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THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
HIS MAJESTY ARRIVES AT WINDSOR. SEE PAGE 143
WALLYPUG IN LONDON
G. E. FARROW
AUTHOR OF "THE WALLYPUG OF WHY," THE MISSING PRINCE," ETC
ILLUSTRATED BY ALAN WRIGHT
METHUEN & CO.
36 ESSEX STREET, W.C.
HER MOST GRACIOUS MAJESTY QUEEN VICTORIA
IN COMMEMORATION OF 22ND JUNE, 1897
VICTORIA by grace of God our Queen,
To thee thy children truest homage pay.
Thy children! ay, for Mother thou hast been,
And by a mother's love thou oldest sway.
Thy greatest empire is thy Nation's heart,
And thou hast chosen this the better part.
Behold, an offering meet thy people bring;
Hark! to the mighty world-sound gathering
From shore to shore, and echoing o'er the sea,
Attend! ye Nations while our paeans ring-
Victoria's children sing her Jubilee.
The grandest sight the world hath ever seen
Thy kingdom offers. Clothed in fair array,
The Majesty of Love and Peace serene,
While hosts unnumbered loyalty display,
Striving to show, by every loving art,
The day for them can have no counterpart.
Lo sixty years of joy and sorrowing
For Queen and People, either borrowing
From other sympathy, in woe or glee,
Hath knit their hearts to thine, wherefore they sing-
Victoria's children sing her Jubilee.
With royal dignity and gracious mien
Thine high position thou hast graced always;
No cloud of discord e'er hath come between
Thy nation and thyself; the fierce white ray
That beats upon thy throne bids hence depart
The faintest slander calumny can dart.
Thy fame is dear alike to churl and king,
And highest honour lies in honouring
The Sovereign to whom we bend the knee;
"God save the Queen," one strain unvarying-
Victoria's children sing her Jubilee.
What prophet, or what seer, with vision keen,
Reading the message of a far-off day,
The wonders of thy reign could have foreseen,
Or known the story that shall last for aye?
A page that History shall set apart;
Peace and Prosperity in port and mart,
Honour abroad, and on resistless wing
A steady progress ever-conquering.
Thy glorious reign, our glorious theme shall be,
And gratitude in every heart upspring-
Victoria's children sing her Jubilee.
Behold, ye tyrants, and a lesson glean
How subjects may be governed. Lo! the way
A Woman teaches who doth ne'er demean
Her office high. Hark! how her people pray
For blessings on the head that doth impart *
So wise a rule. For them no wrongs do smart,
No cruelties oppress, no insults sting,
Nor does a despot hand exaction wring;
Though governed, Britain's subjects still are free.
Gaze then-ye unwise rulers wondering-
Victoria's children sing her Jubilee.
CHANT ROYAL ix
Queen Mother, love of thee doth ever spring
Within thy children's hearts, a priceless thing,
Nor pomp nor state that falleth unto thee
Can ever rival this grand carolling-
Victoria's children sing her Jubilee.
G. E. FARROW
MY DEAR LITTLE FRIENDS,
You will no doubt be surprised to find
this book commencing with a perfectly serious
poem, and one which probably some of you
will find a little difficulty in understanding.
When you have grown older, however, and
happen to look at this little book again, you
will be glad to be reminded of the historic
event which the poem commemorates. Now,
about ourselves, when I asked in my last book,
The Missing Prince, for letters from my little
readers, I had no idea that I had so many
young friends, and I can hardly tell you how
delighted I have been at receiving such a
number of kind letters from all parts of the
I do hope that I have answered everyone,
but really there have been so many, and if by
mistake any should have been overlooked, I
hope my little correspondents will write again
and give me an opportunity of repairing the
Such charming little letters, and all, I am
happy to find, really written by the children
themselves, which makes them doubly valuable
And how funny and amusing some of them
were to be sure! And what capital stories
some of you have told me about your pets.
Some pathetic incidents too; as, for instance,
that of Shellyback,' the tortoise, whose little
owner wrote a few months after her first letter
to say that poor 'Shellyback' was dead.
I have been very happy to notice how fond
you all seem of your pets, for I have always
found that children who make friends with
animals invariably have kind and good hearts.
And the poor dumb creatures themselves are
always so ready to respond to any little act
of kindness, and are so grateful and affectionate,
that I am sure it adds greatly to one's happi-
ness in life to interest oneself in them.
One of my correspondents, aged eight, has
embarrassed me very much indeed by suggest-
ing that I should "wait for her till she grows
up," as she should so like to marry a gentle-
man who told stories." I hope she didn't mean
that I did anything so disgraceful; and besides,
as it would take nearly twenty-five years for her
to catch up to me, she might change her mind
in that time, and then what would become of
Some of my letters from abroad have been
very interesting. One dear little girl at Dar-
jeeling, in India, wrote a very nice descriptive
letter, and concluded by asking me to write
" something about the stars," and speaking of
new stories brings me to another subject that
I wish to talk to you about.
You know that I spoke in my last book
about writing a school story, and one about
animals. Well, when I found that so many of
you wanted to hear "more about the Wally-
pug," I was obliged to put these two books
aside in order to gratify your wishes. I hope
that you will be as interested in hearing about
his Majesty this time as you were last.
You will be sure to notice that the pictures
are by another artist, but Mr. Harry Furniss
has been away from England for some months,
and so it has been impossible for him to illus-
trate this volume. Some other time, perhaps,
Dorothy and he will give us more of their
work; but in the meantime Mr. Alan Wright
has been very interested in drawing pictures
for this book, and I hope you will be pleased
with his efforts.
Now, about writing to me next time. When
I asked you to address me under care of my
publishers, I did not realize that in the course
of business I might find it necessary to change
them sometimes, and so to avoid any possi-
bility of confusion, will you please in future
address all letters to
MR. G. E. FARROW,
c/o Messrs. A. P. WATT & SON,
Norfolk Street, Strand.
What am I to do with all the beautiful
Christmas and New Year's cards which I
have received ? Will you be vexed if, after
having enjoyed receiving them as I have done
so much, I give them to the poor little children
at the hospitals to make scrap books with?
I happen to know how much they value and
appreciate gifts of this kind, and by allowing
me to bestow them in this way, your pretty
presents will be giving a double happiness.
Well, I must conclude this rather long letter
now, or I shall be accused of being tedious;
but really it gives me almost as much pleasure
to write to you, as it does to receive your letters.
Good-bye. Don't forget that many of you
have promised to write to me again, and that
I am always more than glad to welcome any
Believe me, dear Children,
G. E. FARROW
HIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE
MOST extraordinary thing
has happened; the Wally-
pug has been to London!
But there, I am forgetting
N that possibly you have
never read The Wallypug
of Why, in which case
you will, of course, know nothing about his
Majesty, and so I had better explain to you
who, and what, he is.
To begin with, then, he is a kind of king
of a place called Why, which adjoins the
mysterious kingdom of Zum. I am afraid,
though, that if you searched your atlases for
a very long while you might not find either of
2 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
these places, for the geographers are so un-
decided as to their exact position that they
have not shown them on the maps at all.
Some.little friends of mine, named Girlie and
Boy, have been there, however, and I can tell
you, if you like, the way they went. This is
the way to Why:
Just go to bed and shut your eyes
And count one hundred, one by one;
Perhaps you'll find to your surprise
That you're at Why when this is done.
I say perhaps, because this only happens when
you have been particularly good all day, and
sometimes boys and girls are not quite as good
as they-but there, I won't say what I was
going to, for I am quite sure that it would not
apply to you. This is the way to Zum:
Not when the moon is at its full,
But just a tiny boat-shaped thing,
You may see Pierrot sitting there
And hear the little fellow sing.
If so, just call him, and he'll come
And carry you away to Zum.
There, now, I've told you the way to go to
both places, so that, if you wish to, you can
go there whenever you please.
HIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE 3
I am telling you all this because one day
in the spring Girlie and Boy, who live in
another part of London, came to see me, and
we had been talking about these things for
about the hundredth time, I should think: for
these children are never tired of telling me of
all the strange things which happened to them
when they journey to these wonderful places.
In fact they were just arguing as to which
was the most interesting place to go to, Why
or Zum, when my housekeeper, Mrs. Putchy,
came to the door with the unwelcome news that
the carriage had come for my little friends, and
that it was time to say good-bye. After they
had gone I sat staring into the fire wondering
where Why could be, and if there was really
such a person as the Wallypug, when my little
dog Dick, who had been lying on the rug
before the fire, suddenly jumped up, and
barking excitedly, ran to the other end of the
study, where a picture, which I had bought the
day before at an auction sale, stood leaning
against the wall. Now this picture had been
sold very cheap, because no one could tell at
all what it was about, it was so old and dusty,
and the colours were so dark and indistinct.
4 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
I had bought it hoping that it might prove
valuable, and there it stood till it could be
sent to be cleaned and restored. Imagine my
surprise then, when, on following Dick across
the study, I discovered that the colours in the
WITH SLIPPERS ON HIS TAIL
picture had all become bright, and were work-
ing one into the other in the most remarkable
way, red running into green, and blue into
yellow, while a little patch of black in the
centre of the picture was whirling round and
round in quite a distracting manner. What
HIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE 5
could it all mean? I stared and wondered,
till, out of the confusion, there gradually grew
shapes which bore some resemblance to human
beings, and, presently, I could recognize quite
distinctly, first a young man in knee breeches,
smiling in a particularly self-satisfied way, and
escorting a large fish, who was walking up-
right, with slippers on his tail, and who wore
a waistcoat and necktie. Then an amiable-
looking old gentleman, carrying a wand, who
was followed by a curious little person, wearing
a crown and carrying an orb and sceptre. A
particularly stiff and wooden-looking soldier
stood at the back of this strange group. Judge
of my amazement when, quite as a matter of
course, the whole party deliberately stepped
out of the picture into the room, and, before
I could realize what had happened, the old
gentleman with the wand came forward with a
flourish and an elaborate bow, and announced:
"A-hem! his Majesty the Wallypug of Why
I was so astonished that for the moment I
could not think what to say, but at last I
managed to stammer, as I made a low bow to
6 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
"I am delighted to make your Majesty's
The Wallypug smiled very affably, and held
out his hand.
"I have come up for the Jubilee, you know,"
"We've come up, you mean to say, Wally-
pug," corrected the old gentleman with the
wand, frowning somewhat severely. "I am
the Wallypug's professional adviser," he con-
tinued. "I am called the Doctor-in-Law-
allow me to introduce the rest of our party.
This," he went on, bringing the young man
with the self-satisfied smile forward, "is the
Jubilee Rhymester from Zum; he hopes to
become a minor poet in time. And this, indi-
cating the wooden-looking soldier, "is Sergeant
One-and-Nine, also from Zum." Here the
Doctor-in-Law took me aside and whispered in
my ear, "Slightly cracked, crossed in love;
speaks very peculiarly; capital chap though."
Then crossing to where the Fish was standing,
he said, "And this is A. Fish, Esq., the cele-
brated lecturer on the 'Whichness of the What
as compared with the Thatness of the Thus.'
He desired to accompany us here in order to
"HIS MAJKSTY THE WALLYPUG"
HIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE 9
find material for a new lecture which he is
preparing upon the 'Perhapness of the Im-
probable.' He's awfully clever," he whispered
"I'm sure I'm delighted to see you all," I
said, shaking hands with each one till I came
to the Fish, who held out a fin. Er-er-how
do you do?" I stammered, somewhat taken
aback by this strange proceeding.
"Quide well with the egscebtiod of a slide
cold id by head," said the Fish. I'b subjecd
to theb, you doe. It's beig id the water so
butch, I fadcy," and he smiled.
I don't know if you have ever seen a fish
smile, but if not I may tell you that it is a
very curious sight.
"I suppose you can manage to put us up
here for a month or two?" calmly suggested
the Doctor-in-Law after a pause.
Dear me," I exclaimed in alarm, "I don't
think my housekeeper could possibly-"
"Why not ask her?" suggested the Doctor-
in-Law, touching the bell.
A moment or two afterwards a knock at the
door announced that Mrs. Putchy was there.
"Oh, Mrs. Putchy," I said, stepping just
io THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
outside, "these gentlemen, er-that is to
say, his Majesty the Wallypug of Why and
suite, have honoured me with a visit, and
I am anxious if possible to offer them such
hospitality as my poor home affords. Do you
think that we could manage anyhow to find
room for them, for a few days at any rate?"
Now Mrs. Putchy is a very remarkable
woman, and I have never known her to show
the slightest surprise at anything, and, so far
from seeming alarmed at the prospect of having
to entertain such notable visitors, she seemed
His Majesty of Why, sir? How charming!
Of course we must do our best, and how
fortunate that I put on my best gown to-day,
isn't it ? Dear me, and shall I be presented
to his Majesty?"
Certainly, Mrs. Putchy, if you wish it," I
said. In fact, if you will call General Mary
Jane, I will introduce you both, as you repre-
sent my entire household."
Mrs. Putchy disappeared, returning almost
immediately, followed by the servant, General
Mary Jane, with her mouth wide open, and
accompanied by the cat, who rejoices in the
HIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE ni
extraordinary name of Mrs. Mehetable Murchi-
son. These members of my household were
duly presented to the Wallypug. Mrs. Putchy
made her curtsey with great dignity, but
General Mary Jane was so overcome at the
thought of being presented to royalty that she
fell flat on her hands and knees in her humility,
while Mrs. Mehetable Murchison, realizing, no
doubt, the truth of the old saying that "a cat
may look at a king," went up and sharpened
her claws on the Wallypug's legs in the most
friendly manner possible.
It was when the cat caught sight of A. Fish,
Esq., that she completely lost her presence of
mind, and with arched back and bristling fur
glared at him in amazement.
"Priddy pussy, cub alog thed," said the
Fish, stooping down and trying to stroke her
with one of his fins; but Mrs. Mehetable
Murchison, with a startled glance, tore out of
the room, showing every sign of alarm.
"And she's so fond of fish too, as a rule,
ain't she, mum?" remarked General Mary
Jane, who had somewhat overcome the awe
with which she had at first regarded the pres-
ence of royalty.
12 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
"Fod of fish?" repeated A. Fish, Esq.,
inquiringly. "What do you mead? "
Why, you see, sir," explained Mrs. Putchy,
"we often have fish for dinner-er--that is to
The Fish was glaring at her in a horrified
way, and Mrs. Putchy had become quite
Let's change the subject," suggested the
Doctor-in-Law, to our great relief. The most
important question for the moment is, where
are we all going to sleep?"
HIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE 13
This gave Mrs. Putchy an opportunity for
exercising her wonderful ability for manage-
ment, and after arranging for the Wallypug to
have the spare bedroom, and the Doctor-in-
Law to have my room, I was to have a bed
made up in the study, while the Jubilee Rhyme-
ster was to sleep in the attic, One-and-Nine
was to have a box under the stairs, and there
only remained A. Fish, Esq., to dispose of.
"There is the bathroom, mum," suggested
General Mary Jane brilliantly; we could put
a lid on the bath and make up a bed there."
Bedder sdill, fill id with water, ad thed
I could sleeb in id," suggested the Fish.
Oh yes, of course!" said Mrs. Putchy,
" and now I must go and see about the supper."
And, with a low curtsey to the Wallypug, the
admirable little woman hurried out, followed by
General Mary Jane, who gave a nervous little
bob when she reached the door.
They had scarcely disappeared before One-
and-Nine came up to me and whispered:
I am muchly impressionated by that lady
with the most militaryish name who has just
gone out. Can you kindly inform me is she
14 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
Detached?" I inquired in bewilderment.
" What ever do you mean?"
If a person is not attached to anyone else,
they are detached, I suppose, are they not? "
said One-and-Nine rather impatiently.
Well, if you put it that way, I suppose they
are," I replied, laughing. You mean, has she
a sweetheart ? Well, really I don't know. I
have an idea though that Mrs. Putchy does not
Then I shall considerize my prospectuous-
ness with great hopefulosity!" remarked the
soldier with considerable dignity, walking back
to the Wallypug's chair.
"What does he say?" asked the Jubilee
Rhymester. He is a little bit cracked, you
know. Could you make out what he was
driving at ?"
"Oh, yes, I could understand within a little
what he meant," I replied. He seems to
have fallen in love with General Mary Jane
at first sight, from what I can gather."
"Really! Dear me! He is always doing
that sort of thing, do you know, and he
generally asks me to write poems for him
when he gets into that state. I have written
SHIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE 15
as many as 137 odes in one month on his
Good gracious," I replied, "and does he
pay you well for them ?"
"Pay me!" exclaimed the Jubilee Rhymester,
staring at me in surprise. Of course not.
Do people ever get paid for writing poetry?"
"Why, yes, to be sure they do," I answered.
Well, I've never heard of such a thing in
all my life," said the Jubilee Rhymester; "I
always thought that poets had to pay to have
their verses used at all, and that that was why
they were always so poor while they were
alive. Of course I knew that people some-
times made a fuss about them after they were
dead, but I have never heard of such a thing
as a live poet being paid for his work."
"Nonsense," I replied; "I believe that quite
a lot of money is sometimes paid by the
magazines and other papers for poems and
"Well, I am delighted to hear it," said the
Jubilee Rhymester, "and I shall certainly start
writing to-morrow. I have no doubt whatever
that I shall make my fortune before I go back
16 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
Shortly after this Mrs. Putchy announced
that supper was served, and a little later my
guests retired to rest, being thoroughly tired
out with their long journey. I sat up in my
study a little while longer to smoke a pipe,
but was just thinking of going to bed when
there was a tap at the door and the Doctor-
I say, I thought I had better come and
arrange with you about money matters," he
said; I didn't like to mention such things
before the others. Now then," he continued,
" how much are you going to pay us for staying
with you ?"
Pay you!" I gasped. "What on earth do
"Well, you see, it will be a great thing
for you to have such distinguished visitors,
don't you know, and you ought to be quite
willing to pay liberally for the honour," said
the Doctor-in-Law, smiling amiably.
Now Girlie had told me what a greedy,
avaricious person the Doctor-in-Law really
was, despite his benevolent appearance, but this
cool cheek almost took my breath away. I
was determined, however, to let him see at
HIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE 17
once that I was not to be imposed upon, so I
said as firmly as I could, "Now, look here,
Mr. Doctor-in-Law, please understand once
and for all, that as you were all so kind to my
little friend Girlie when she was at Why, I
am quite willing to entertain his Majesty the
Wallypug, and the rest of you, to the very best
of my ability, but as for paying you for being
here, the idea is absurd-impossible!"
ID QUIDE GAVE BE A TURN
Just then a terrific hullabaloo in the passage
caused us both to run to the door. We could
hear that the noise proceeded from the bath-
room, and, hurrying to the door, we found
i8 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
A. Fish,. Esq., sitting up in the water shout-
ing for help, while Mrs. Mehetable Murchison
and a whole group of her feline friends were
out on the tiles, glaring through the window.
"Dear be, dear be," panted the Fish, when
he saw us, I'b so frighteded, just look at all
those cats. I had beed to sleeb ad was just
dreabig that sobeone was sayig, "Mrs. Behe-
table Burchison is so fod of fish, and we ofted
have fish for didder," whed I woke ub and saw
all those horrible cats looking id ad the wid-
dow; id quide gave be a turn. Do drive theb
We soon did this, and, pulling down the
blinds, we left A.. Fish, Esq., to his dreams
and soon afterwards retired to rest ourselves.
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES
W HEN I entered the breakfast room the
next morning I found that the Wallypug
and the Doctor-in-Law had been up for some
time, and were both gazing out of the window
with the greatest of interest.
"I hope your Majesty slept well," I re-
marked to the Wallypug as I approached
"Very well indeed, thank you," he replied
smilingly. The Doctor-in-Law and myself
have just been saying that we are sure to
have an enjoyable visit here. We have been
greatly interested in the man-machines going
past. We have never seen anything like them
"The man-machines!" I exclaimed, puzzled
to know whatever he could mean.
20 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
Yes, the men with wheels instead of legs,
"Oh, you mean the bicyclists, I replied,
laughing. "Have you really never seen any
No, indeed," replied his Majesty. "Are
they born with wheels on, or do they grow
I laughed, and fortunately just then the
youngster opposite, who always rides to school
on his bicycle, came out of doors wheeling
his machine, and I was able to explain to the
Wallypug the principle upon which they worked.
Dear me; the Doctor-in-Law told me that
the machinery was part of the man, but now I
see that it is separate. And he charged me
sixpence for the information too," he complained,
looking reproachfully at the Doctor-in-Law.
"Charged you sixpence!" I cried.
"Yes," replied the poor Wallypug. "He
offered to tell me all about them for sixpence,
and as I was really very curious to know I gave
it to him, and then he informed me that they
were a peculiar race of people who came from
Coventry, and who were all born with wheels
instead of legs."
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES 21
"Take your old sixpence then, if you are
going to make all that fuss about it," said the
Doctor-in-Law, crossly, throwing the coin down
on the table and walking out of the room in
a huff. I'm sure I did read somewhere that
they came from Coventry," he added, popping
his head in at the door and then slamming it
violently after him.
The boy opposite was still riding up and
down the road, and I made up my mind that
although I had never spoken to him before,
I would ask him to let the Wallypug examine
his bicycle more closely.
With pleasure," he replied, raising his hat
politely to the Wallypug, when I had explained
who he was; "and if his Majesty would like
to try it he is quite welcome to do so."
The Doctor-in-Law's curiosity had so far
overcome his ill-humour that, when he saw us
talking to the boy, he came forward and offered
to help the Wallypug to mount.
I really don't think he had better," I said,
"he might damage the machine."
Oh no, he won't hurt it, I'm sure," said
the boy generously; and so with our united
assistance the Wallypug got on to the bicycle,
22 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
and after a few preliminary wobblings started
off in fine style. Faster and faster he went,
clinging desperately to the handle-bars, till
we, who were running beside him, could no
longer keep pace with him.
I can't stop," we heard him shout; and a
moment later he charged straight at a large
stone and half a brick which lay in the middle
of the roadway.
Poor Wallypug! The sudden impact threw
him right over the handle-bars, and he landed
in a huddled heap on his hands and knees in
the gutter. The machine flew in half, and the
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES 23
front portion careered madly away by itself
till stopped by the kerb.
We hurried up to his Majesty to discover if
he was much hurt, but, with the exception of
a few scratches on his hands and knees and a
thorough shaking, he seemed to have come off
SI suppose we can't stick it together again?"
he inquired, gazing ruefully at the broken
bicycle, and I was obliged to tell him that
there was not much chance of our doing so.
The boy to whom it belonged bravely made
the best of the matter, especially when I told
him that the next half-holiday he had I would
take him to Holborn to choose another one
in its place.
24 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
And when I discovered that he had a half-
holiday that very afternoon, it was arranged
that General Mary Jane should order a car-
riage at the livery stable, and that we should
all drive to the city after luncheon.
The Wallypug, after a good wash and a
hearty breakfast, went to his room to lie down
for an hour or two to recover from the effects
of his accident, and I was just answering my
morning letters when there was a knock at
the study door, and the Rhymester entered.
"I sat up most of the night writing poetry,"
he remarked, "and I
have just brought you
one or two specimens.
The first one is called
'The Ode of a Toad.'
Perhaps I had better
read it to you. My
writing is rather
peculiar," and he began as follows:
THE ODE OF A TOAD.
There was once an old toad who lived under a tree,
Hippety hop-Flippety flop,
And his head was as bald as bald could be,
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES 25
He was deaf as a post and could hardly see,
But a giddy and frivolous toad was he,
With his hippety-hoppety-plop.
And he gambolled and danced on the village green,
Hippety hop-Flippety flop,
In a way that had never before been seen,
Tho' he wasn't so young as once he had been,
And the people all wondered whatever he could mean,
With his hippety-hoppety-plop.
But the old chap kept bobbing about just the same,
Hippety hop-Flippety flop,
Till everyone thought he must make himself lame,
And not a soul ever could find out his aim,
In keeping up such a ridiculous game,
As his hippety-hoppety-plop.
Some said he was mad, tho' as mild as a dove,
Hippety hop-Flippety flop,
And as the result of a push or a shove,
Was a little bit cracked in the storey above,
But I fancy myself the old boy was in love,
With his hippety-hoppety-plop.
"There! What do you think of it?" he
asked when he had finished.
"Well, candidly, I'm afraid not very much,"
I replied; "and what on earth do you call it
an ode for?"
"Why, you see, ode went so well with the
word toad. I was going to call it 'Ode to a
26 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
Toad,' but it isn't to a toad at all, though it's
about a toad. Ah! by the bye, I might call
it 'A Toad's Ode,' mightn't
I? I think that sounds
very jolly." He altered
the title in pencil.
I have another which
I think you will say is
very touching." And after
"I LOVE BUT THEE"1
getting his handkerchief
out in case he should be moved to tears, he
THE BALLADE OF A BUN.
Don't talk to me of Sally Lunn,"
Or toasted tea-cake nice and hot,
I do not care for either one
A single solitary jot;
My heart is fixed and changeth not,
In all the world-whate'er I see,
And rich or poor-whate'er my lot-
Oh! penny bun, I love but thee.
For thy dear sake all cakes I shun
Smeared o'er with jam. No apricot
Or greengage tart my heart hath won;
Their sweetness doth but cloy and clot.
What marmalade in fancy pot
Or cream meringue, though fair it be,
Thine image e'er can mar or blot?
Oh penny bun, I love but thee.
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES 27
I vowed to cherish thee, or none
(Such love thy simple charms begot),
When first I saw thee, precious one;
And now to some sweet lonely spot,
Some shady dell or mossy grot,
Come let us hasten, you and me,
And I will eat you like a shot;
Oh penny bun, I love but thee.
Small boys or girls that homeward trot
From school in time for early tea,
This moral ne'er must be forgot:
Love penny buns, and they'll love thee."
"Isn't it affecting?" he inquired, wiping his
eyes when he had finished.
Well, perhaps I didn't quite appreciate
the pathos of it as I might have done," I
answered, trying hard not to laugh. You
see I was paying so much attention to the
scansion. I find that you have altered the
refrain in the Envoy. Surely that's not cor-
rect, is it?"
Oh, you are a great deal too particular,"
remarked the Rhymester crossly. "Why, I
should think from the Doctor-in-Law's de-
scription of a critic that you must be one."
"What did he say a critic was?" I asked.
28 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
"Why, he said a critic was a person who
found fault with another, for not doing what
he was unable to do himself. And he charged
me fourpence three-farthings for the informa-
tion, and as I only had fourpence halfpenny I
have to pay him the odd farthing when I sell
some of my poems. Can you tell me how I
can set to work about it ?"
"Well, I hardly know," I replied, "unless
you send them to the editors of the various
magazines. They may take them, but you
must not be disappointed if some of them are
rejected. You see they cannot possibly print
everything that is sent to them."
There were several magazines in the study,
and I suggested that the Rhymester should
make a list of the addresses of the various
editors, and he was busy about that till lun-
At half-past two the carriage came to the
door, and goodness only knows what General
Mary Jane must have told the livery stable
people about the Wallypug, for, evidently
anxious to send an equipage worthy of royalty,
they had painted an enormous monogram in
gold on the sides of the carriage, while the
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES 29
coachman was resplendent in blue plush and
gold lace, with silk stockings and a powdered
The Wallypug was delighted when he saw
this elaborate turn-out, and so were the others,
SEQUIPAq OUS GRANDIOSITY"
for I overheard One-and-Nine murmuring
something about equipageous grandiosity,"
as he climbed up to the seat beside the coach-
man. When the Wallypug, the Doctor-in-
Law, A. Fish, Esq., and the Rhymester, were
seated, there was no room left for the boy
and myself, so we followed behind in a modest
dog-cart, which was hurriedly procured from
the livery stable. Many were the wondering
glances bestowed upon the carriage, with its
30 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
somewhat remarkable burden, as we drove
along through Kensington to the Gardens.
And everywhere our appearance was hailed with
enthusiasm, people being evidently under the
impression that the Wallypug was one of the
royal guests invited to the Jubilee festivities.
Who could he be? That was decidedly the
question which everyone was asking, and I
could not quite determine who was causing the
greater sensation, the Wallypug or A. Fish,
Esq. These two individuals, however, com-
ported themselves with the calmest dignity,
only the Doctor-in-Law seemed flurried by the
attention which they attracted, and smiled and
bowed right and left, whether the people took
any notice of him or not.
As we approached Hyde-Park corner atten-
tion was diverted from the Wallypug's carriage
by the fact that another royal equipage had
entered the Park gates; and as the Princess
passed us, an amused glance and a whispered
conversation with the other occupant of the
carriage showed that the Wallypug's extra-
ordinary party had not escaped Her Royal
After going once round the Park we went
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES 31
out at the Marble Arch and along Oxford
Street to Holborn, our progress through the
crowded streets everywhere attracting the most
excited interest. And when we stopped before
one of the large bicycle deftdis in Holborn the
crowd around the carriage was so large that the
policeman had quite a difficulty in preventing
a block in the traffic. Our business was soon
transacted, and, having secured an excellent
machine for the boy in place of the one which
his Majesty had damaged in the morning, we
drove back to Kensington without further ad-
The Wallypug's curiosity, however, was so
awakened by what he had seen that, as soon
as we had been refreshed by a cup of afternoon
tea, he suggested that we should go out for
a walk; accordingly the whole party proceeded
to Kensington Gardens, followed by a curious
and somewhat derisive crowd of small boys,
who would insist upon advising the Wallypug
to "get his hair cut." Now, I happened to
know, from what Girlie had told me about
her adventures in Why, that the Wallypug,
though a kind of king, had to do as his people
directed and not as he liked, and that when
32 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
he had presented a petition in Parliament to
be allowed to have his hair cut, they had
divided upon the subject, and so he had only
been allowed to have half of it cut, and as the
long half had by this time grown very long
indeed, he certainly did look rather remark-
able; that was no excuse though for the
street boys' rudeness, and his Majesty very
wisely took no notice of them. A. Fish, Esq.,
came in for the greatest amount of attention,
and when a few drops of rain began to fall,
and he put up an umbrella for fear that he
should get wet, the crowd became so excited
that the Doctor-in-Law wisely suggested that
a return should be made. His Majesty, how-
ever, was bent upon sight-seeing, and so the
party separated, the Doctor-in-Law, A. Fish,
Esq., and One-and-Nine going home, while
the rest of us continued our walk. When we
reached the Gardens, the Wallypug was greatly
interested in seeing the palace where the
Queen was born, and said that he should cer-
tainly petition his Parliament to allow him to
have soldiers walk up and down before the
gates of his palace, like those which he saw
here. He admired greatly Princess Louise's
FOR FEAR HE SHOULD GET WET
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES 35
statue of the Queen, which stands in front of
the palace, and said he couldn't imagine where-
ever they could have got all the white sugar
from to make it with, and I think that he was
inclined to disbelieve me when I told him that
it was not made of sugar at all, but of white
marble ; for he said that if that were the case
he couldn't think why they wanted to put
such high railings around it, as no one would
wish to carry away a marble statue of that
size, whereas, if it were sugar, as he suggested,
why, of course, the railings were there to pre-
vent the children from climbing up and break-
ing off little pieces to eat.
The Round Pond and the little model ships
interested His Majesty most of all though, I
fancy, and he spent quite a long time admiring
them, until, while assisting a small boy to get
his ship ashore, he had the misfortune to slip
into the water himself, and had to be fished
out with the assistance of a boathook.
His Majesty certainly did not look either
dignified or regal as he stood on the bank
saturated with water, and his royal robes cling-
ing about him in the most woe-begone manner
-and as the crowd had greatly increased, I
36 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
was very glad to get the poor Wallypug into
a cab and drive home.
On our way there, the Rhymester, being
very much afraid of getting his clothes wet,
sat in the furthest corner of the cab and
HIS MAJESTY HAS AN ACCIDENT
amused himself by writing a verse on the sub-
ject of his Majesty's misfortune, which read
somehow like this:
King George I've heard is King of Greece,
But since this luckless slipping,
The Wallypug I do declare
Should be the King of Dripping."
I think his Majesty thought it rather un-
kind of the Rhymester to make fun of him
- -r- r,-
THE NEXT DAY'S ADVENTURES 37
in this way, but before he had time to think
much about the matter, we had arrived at our
destination, and to my great surprise I could
see a vast crowd collected at the doors of the
building in which my flat is situated.
SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
W HATEVER could it all mean? The
Doctor-in-Law stood on the steps,
calling out, "Walk up, walk up, ladies and
gentlemen, and see the Talking Fish," while
large posters were pasted on the walls, bearing
the words, "Admission Sixpence" and "One
The Commissionaire who usually stands at
the door was looking very surprised and angry,
while the page boy was grinning all over his
face. Whatever was happening? I hastily
paid the cabman, and followed by the Wally-
pug made my way through the crowd to the
"Admission sixpence each," said the Doctor-
in-Law, holding out his hand.
YAU.L UP !!!
"WALK UP, WALIC UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
"What do. you mean?" I replied, "and
what is all this crowd doing here ?"
"Admission sixpence each!" repeated the
Doctor-in-Law stubbornly, not taking the least
notice of my questions, and holding his wand
across the doorway so that I could not get in.
"Nonsense!" I cried; "I'm not going to
pay to go into my own house."
Pay for the Wallypug then and I'll let
you in free," said the little man insinuatingly.
"I shall do nothing of the sort," I cried,
pushing past him and hurrying up the stairs.
To my surprise I found my rooms occupied
by strangers. Sergeant One-and-Nine was
reciting some of the Rhymester's poems in
the dining room to three deaf old ladies, two
of whom had ear trumpets, while A. Fish, Esq.,
was holding a kind of levde in my study, seated
in a chair placed on the writing table, and was
surrounded by an admiring crowd of people
who were asking all sorts of questions.
Mrs. Putchy met me at the door.
"Oh, sir!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad
you've come home. I haven't known what
to do with all these people."
"But what does it all mean, Putchy?" I
42 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
inquired. "What are they doing here at
"Why, you see, sir!" said Mrs. Putchy,
" Mr. Doctor-in-Law found that A. Fish, Esq.,
was attracting a good deal of attention out of
doors, and he thought that it would be a
capital idea to have a kind of show here and
charge sixpence admission to see him; and
if there's been one, I'm sure there's been a
hundred people up here this afternoon. The
remarks they've been making too, and 'the
questions they've been asking. Why, one old
lady, sir, wanted to know how much you paid
A. Fish, Esq., a week, and if I was quite sure
that you gave him enough to eat. They've
broken three chairs too, and that little Venetian
glass vase that stood on the bracket in the
corner. And just now I caught some little
boys tearing pictures out of one of those illus-
trated books you brought home last week."
Here was a pretty state of affairs. The
strangers had by this time left A. Fish, Esq.,
and had collected around the poor Wallypug,
who had been waiting in his wet clothing in
the hall, and I was obliged to politely but
firmly insist' upon them at once leaving the
SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
house, telling them that their money would
be returned at the door.
I should think so, indeed," said one angry-
looking stout lady. "Why, the whole thing
is a fraud and you ought to be thoroughly
ashamed of yourself. Talking fish indeed! I
don't believe he's a fish at all-at any rate,
not what I call a 'fish,"' and she flounced
down the stairs only to return a moment or
two afterwards to say, "I thought you said
that we were to have our money back."
So you are, madam," I replied.
"Well, why don't you see that we get it
then? That man downstairs refuses to give
me any money. The whole thing is a swindle.
But I don't mean to be defrauded in this way,
I can tell you."
I went downstairs and told the Doctor-in-
Law that he must at once return everyone
their money, and this after a great deal of
grumbling he did, while the Commissionaire
and the page boy tore down the posters out-
side the door at my request.
I explained to the Doctor-in-Law that this
sort of thing must not occur again, and made
him promise that he would never again use
44 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
my rooms as a place in which to hold a
I really felt rather annoyed about it, for I
could not imagine whatever the neighbours
would think of me for permitting such a scene
to take place in my rooms, but it evidently
was useless now to say anything more about
The next morning, despite the wetting which
the Wallypug had received at the Round Pond,
his thoughts still ran upon boating, and nothing
would satisfy his Majesty but that he should
go for a row. I suggested Richmond as the
best place to start from, and so we drove
over Hammersmith Bridge and across Barnes
Arrived at Richmond we had no difficulty
in securing a nice boat.
I'll row for one," said his Majesty.
"And I for another," said the Rhymester.
"Very well then," I replied. "Perhaps the
Doctor-in-Law will steer, and so we will
manage very nicely."
Quite a large crowd had collected to see us
start, and perhaps that is what made the
Wallypug so nervous; as it was, as soon as
HIS MAJESTY FELL BACKWARDS
SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
we pushed off, his Majesty fell backwards
with his feet sticking up above the seat,
while the Rhymester stuck one oar deep
down into the water and pulled it with all
his might, while the other flourished about in
The Doctor-in-Law's idea of steering con-
sisted in pulling first one string and then the
other, and so we did not get along very well
just at first.
When the Wallypug had picked himself up
from the bottom of the boat, however, and the
Rhymester and he made another attempt, I
think we should have got along fairly well if
the Doctor-in-Law, in trying to get out of
the way of a passing boat, had not steered us
into the bank, where we stuck fast in the
mud till someone on the footpath very kindly
pushed us off again. After that I thought it
best to take the oars myself, and his Majesty
steered under my direction. In this way we
managed to get a little way past Teddington
Lock by luncheon time, and having found an
eyot with no one on it we went ashore and
unpacked the hamper of good things which
we had brought with us.
48. THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
It was a beautiful day, and I think that we
all enjoyed the picnic immensely. I know
that I did for one, and so, I think, did his
Majesty, for after the meal he laid aside his
crown and royal robes and made himself com-
fortable on the grass under the trees, and
looked thoroughly happy with a big cigar in
HIS MAJESTY ENJOYS HIMSELF
A. Fish, Esq., busied himself in preparing
notes for his lecture on the Perhapness of
the Improbable,"and the Doctor-in-Law, having
piled all the cushions in the boat at one end,
threw himself upon them and read the news-
In this way the afternoon passed very com-
fortably, and the Rhymester, after scribbling
upon several pieces of paper, came and read
to me a poem which had been inspired by
our beautiful surroundings; he called it
SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
The water's as wet as wet can be,
And the trees, and the grass, are green,
While the little birds sing and the fishes swim;
'Tis a most delightful scene.
It makes me yearn for I don't know what,
To come from I don't know where,
And take me away to the thingummybob
And the what-you-may-call-'ems there;
and he told me that beautiful scenery always
affected him in that way.
It was now time for us to be thinking
about getting back, especially as I should
have to do all of the
rowing. So we got
into the boat again,
and I rowed back as .
far as Twickenham,
where we stopped at
Eel-pie Island to have
some tea. While we :-
were waiting for it to AN UNFORTUNATE VOLLEY
be prepared, we began a game of tennis,
but were obliged to leave off, as an unfortun-
ate volley of the Doctor-in-Law's caught the
Wallypug on the nose, and so his Majesty
declined to play any more.
THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
We persuaded him to join us at cricket,
though, having found some stumps and a bat
and ball in an outhouse on the Island, and
got on very well for
some time till, at a
Sshout of "out, leg
Before wicket," the
Wallypug (who had
Caught the ball very
OUT nicely on his shin) fell
forward on to the
Doctor-in-Law, crushing his hat well over his
eyes, and ruffling his temper considerably.
In fact, I was very glad that tea was
announced just then, for I feared that there
was going to be a bother, and, as it was, the
Doctor-in-Law kept scowling at his Majesty
I shall make him pay for it," declared the
little man, and, during tea, which we had at
wicker tables by the river's edge, he was busy
making out an account, which later he handed
with great solemnity to the Wallypug. His
Majesty apparently could not understand it,
and passed it on to me. On examination, I
' found it to be worded as follows:
SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
His MAJESTY THE WALLYPUG OF WHY,
In account with
To damage of one hat, o 7 6
,, Physical injury, 0 2 0
,, Moral deterioration, 15 6 9
J22 17 8
,, 3 per cent. discount for cash, 3 6 2
26 4 ii
"What do you mean by moral deteriora-
tion ? demanded the Wallypug.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as other people
do, I suppose," said the Doctor-in-Law. "It's
always charged now, I believe. I read some-
thing about it in the papers this afternoon,"
But the addition is all wrong," I expostu-
"No, it isn't," replied the Doctor-in-Law,
rudely snatching the document from me and
putting it into his pocket-book, "and if it is,
it's nothing to do with you. I shall charge
it in our expenses, which the people of Why
have undertaken to pay, so there." And the
avaricious little fellow ran off to the boat,
which we afterwards found he had been
52 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
letting out on hire to small boys at a penny
The return journey was accomplished with-
out any remarkable incidents, and on reaching
home I found a very pressing invitation from
Girlie's mother for the whole party to attend
her "At Home" the next day.
It appears that this lady had called upon
me while we were out, and Mrs. Putchy had
told her of the Wallypug's arrival.
His Majesty was good enough to say that
he should be delighted to accept, and so I
wrote off at once to say that she might ex-
W E had a terrible fright the next morn-
ing, for the poor dear Wallypug got
lost, and for some time we could not imagine
what had become of him.
It happened in this way : directly after break-
fast his Majesty said that he should like to
go for a walk and look at the shops.
"I'm not going," declared the Doctor-in-
Law. I have some very important letters to
We all looked up in surprise, for we did
not know that the Doctor-in-Law had any
other acquaintances in London.
"Letters from which I hope to derive a
princely income," continued the little man
grandly; "and, therefore, I have no time for
such foolishness as looking into shop windows."
54 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
"He's afraid thad he bight have to sped
sub buddy," remarked A. Fish, Esq.
Nothing of the sort," replied the Doctor-
in-Law, turning very red though.
"Well, don't waste time talking about it;
let's go if we are going," said the Rhymester;
and so, as I also had some correspondence to
attend to, it was arranged that the Wallypug,
the Rhymester, and A. Fish, Esq., should go
for a little stroll by themselves. I had some
doubts in my own mind as to the advisability
of letting them go alone, but they promised
not to go beyond Kensington Gardens, and
to wait for me there just inside the gates.
After they had gone I settled down to my
letter-writing, and was getting along nicely
when the Doctor-in-Law interrupted me with:
I say, I wish you would let me have about
twenty sheets of note-paper, will you, please ?"
"Twenty!" I exclaimed in surprise.
"Yes, twenty," said the Doctor-in-Law.
"Or you had better make it a quire while
you are about it."
I thought the quickest way to get rid of
him was to give him the paper, so I got up
and got it for him.
"And a packet of envelopes, please," he
said, as I handed it to him.
"Anything else?" I asked rather sarcasti-
"Stamps!" he replied, calmly holding out
"Well, really-" I expostulated.
"Oh, halfpenny ones will do. You're surely
not so mean as to mind tenpence, are you?"
"I don't think I'm mean, but-"
Hand them over then, and don't waste so
much time talking," said the little man im-
patiently, and so, just to get rid of him, I
gave him the stamps and sat down to my
I had hardly begun when he came back.
Don't you take any other newspapers
than these?". he demanded, showing me a
"No, I don't, and I think it's rather ex-
travagant of me to have those," I replied.
"Well, then, how do you suppose that I
am going to manage? I want at least five
other papers, and it's most important that I
should have them."
"You might buy them," I suggested.
56 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
"They are so dear," he grumbled.
"Well, why don't you go to the Public
Library then?" I suggested. "You know
where it is, and you could see all of the papers
there, you know."
"Ah, a capital idea," he said, putting on
his hat and going out.
"Now," I thought, "I shall have peace at
I was not left undisturbed long though, for
a few minutes later Mrs. Putchy came to the
"Oh, please, sir, will you go down? Mr.
Doctor-in-Law is having such a bother with
I hurried out, and found the little man very
"This postman won't give me a letter," he
cried when he saw me.
Perhaps he hasn't one for you," I answered.
But I saw him giving them away all down
the street for nothing," persisted the Doctor-
in-Law. "And when I asked him in a civil
way for one, he refused to give it to me. It's
no use for him to say he hasn't one, when he
has a whole packet in his hand now, and a
lot more in his bag, no doubt. Are you going
to give me a letter or not?" he continued,
turning to the postman.
" ARE VOU GOING TO GIVE ME A LETTER OR NOT?"
No, sir," continued the man, smiling. I
haven't any for you."
"Very well, then," said the Doctor-in-Law
decidedly, "I shall certainly write to the Queen
and tell her that if she employs you any longer
I shall take all my custom away, and I shall
58 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
not send the twenty letters, that I intended
writing to-day, off at all."
I endeavoured to explain to the little man
that the postman could not possibly give him
a letter if he had not one addressed to him.
"Oh, that's all nonsense," he exclaimed,
going off in a huff. "Of course you would
take his part."
Before I could settle down to work again
the Rhymester and A. Fish, Esq., returned.
"Where's the Wallypug?" I demanded.
"Oh, he's coming by the next 'bus," said
the Rhymester. Haven't you had any rain
"No," I replied.
"Oh, we had quidt a sharb shower," said
A. Fish, -Esq:, "ad I was afraid of getting
wet, so we stopped a 'bus-there was odly
roob for two though, ad the Wallypug said
thad he would cub od by the dext."
I hope he will get home all right," I said
anxiously. "I don't think you ought to have
left his Majesty by himself.
"Oh! it's only a little way," said the
Rhymester; "he's sure to get home all right."
An hour passed and there was no signs of
"SO WE STOPPED A 'BUS"
the Wallypug. I now began to get seriously
It would, of course, be the easiest thing in
the world for his Majesty to take the wrong
'bus, and be taken goodness knows where.
I couldn't think what was best to be done.
The Rhymester suggested sending the Crier
out, but I never remembered having seen one
at Kensington, and at last, after searching for
some time ourselves in Kensington Gardens,
and making inquiries in High Street, and fail-
ing to glean any tidings of his Majesty, I
thought it best to go to the Police Station.
Here I found a very important-looking
official in uniform, with a big book in front
"What is it?" he inquired, glaring at me
I've called to know if you could assist me
in finding a friend who, I fear, has lost his
way," I replied.
The official did not answer me, but reached
down another large book.
"What's his name?" he inquired gruffly.
His name? Oh-er-his name is-er-
that is to say he is the-" I had not the
62 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
least idea what the Wallypug's name really
was, so I couldn't very well say.
"What's his name?" shouted the official.
"I'll ask you what he is presently."
"Well, I'm very sorry, but I really do not
know his name."
The man glanced at me very suspiciously.
"You said he was a friend of yours-it's
a very odd thing that you don't know his
name. What is he?"
"He's a a Wallypug," I stammered.
" That is to say he-er-"
Wallypug! exclaimed the man contemptu-
ously. "What's that?"
"Why, it's a kind of king, you know," I
explained, feeling that the explanation was
rather a lame one.
"A kind of king!" exclaimed the police
officer. Explain yourself."
"Well, I'm afraid I can't explain more
clearly than that," I replied. "This gentle-
man has been- staying with me for a couple
of days, and went out this morning and lost
"Where did he come from?" asked the
"Why," I answered.
"Why? Because I want to know," he
shouted. "Don't let me have any further
prevarication. Where did the man, or Wally-
pug, or whatever you call him, come from?"
From Why. From a place called Why,
you know," I repeated.
I don't know," said the officer. I've
never heard of such a place. Where is it ?"
"Well, really," I said, I'm very sorry, but
I cannot tell you. I don't know myself."
"This is very remarkable," said the man,
glaring at me through his glasses. "You
don't know your friend's name; you call him
a Wallypug, and can't explain what that is,
you don't know where he comes from-per-
haps you can tell me how he reached your
I was now really in a fix, for how could I
tell this man that his Majesty had stepped
out of a picture.
I thought the best thing to do was to hold
How did he come?" repeated the officer.
I shook my head.
THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
"By steamer? "
I shook my head again.
"Did he drive?-or come on a bicycle, or
I remained silent.
The police officer stared at me for a moment
or two, waiting for my answer.
"Look here, young man," said he at last,
evidently very angry indeed. It strikes me
that you are having a game with me. You
had better go away quietly or I shall be obliged
to take you in charge as a lunatic."
But I assure you that-"
How was your friend dressed ?"
"Oh, he wore a somewhat battered gold
crown, and carried an orb and sceptre, and
was dressed in knee breeches and a velvet
cloak with an ermine collar."
The man gave me a keen glance and then
rang a bell. A policeman appeared a moment
or two afterwards, and the officer whispered
something to him, of which I only caught the
words, "harmless lunatic."
"Lunatic, sir; yes, sir. Step this way,
please," said the policeman, and before I could
realize what had happened I was bundled into
a small bare room, and the key was turned in
the lock and I was a prisoner.
Here was a pretty state of affairs. The
stupid people had mistaken me for a lunatic,
and I was no doubt to be locked up here
till a doctor arrived.
Of course the only thing for me to do was
to sit still and wait as patiently as I could.
Fortunately the police people thought of tele-
graphing to the other stations to find out if
anything was known of an escaped lunatic;
and from Fulham came the reply, "We have
found one ourselves, He calls himself a Wally-
pug, and is dressed like a second-hand king."
This caused inquiries to be made, and even-
tually I was taken in a cab to Fulham, where
we found his Majesty in the charge of the
police, he having been found wandering about
the Fulham Road quite unable to give what
they considered a satisfactory account of him-
It was most unfortunate that his Majesty
should have taken the wrong 'bus, for, not hav-
ing any money with him, he was set down in a
totally strange neighbourhood, and had quite
forgotten my address. Of course, now that
66 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
we had been brought face to face, we had no
difficulty in convincing the police people that
we were what we represented ourselves to be,
and were soon, to our great relief, on our way
"I don't think that I should like to be a
policeman," remarked the Wallypug, on our
"No?" I answered. "Why not? "
"They have to catch dogs for a living?"
remarked his Majesty solemnly. "There were
several brought in while I was waiting, and
the policeman who had caught them seemed
so pleased about it."
I explained to the Wallypug as well as I
was able about the muzzling order, and his
Majesty was highly indignant, and when I
pointed out several dogs with muzzles on he
was more indignant still.
"And are they always obliged to wear those
horrible wire cages over their heads ?" he- in-
I told his Majesty that in London the order
for wearing them had been in force for some
considerable time, and we had a long talk over
the matter, his Majesty declaring that he
UNABLE TO GIVE AN ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF
should try and invent a new muzzle which
should be more comfortable for the poor dogs.
Oh, here we are at last," he exclaimed, as
we turned the corner near my house. "And
there are the others on the steps!"
Here they are! Here they are !" shouted
the Rhymester to the others, and everyone
rushed forward to assist his Majesty to alight,
seemingly very glad to see us back again.
We were quite as delighted to get back, I
can tell you, and I was so relieved at having
found the Wallypug that I hadn't the heart
to refuse the Doctor-in-Law's request that I
would give him ten shillings worth of penny
stamps to put into the letters which he had
been writing while we had been away, although
he would not give me the slightest clue as to
what they were wanted for.
AN 'AT HOME' AND THE ACADEMY
W E were quite ready for luncheon, as.you
may imagine, after our morning's ad-
ventures, and directly afterwards his Majesty
set to work on the new dog's muzzle which
he had promised to invent. In about half an
hour he had constructed one with which he
was intensely delighted, and he persuaded A.
Fish, Esq., to try it on that we might see
It certainly was very simple, but as there
was nothing whatever to go over the mouth,
I felt sure that it could not possibly be very
useful. I did not like to tell his Majesty so
though, for he seemed so thoroughly proud
of his achievement.
It was now time to go to the 'At Home,'
so, wishing to do honour to the occasion, our
AN 'AT HOME' AND THE ACADEMY 71
'State Coach,' as we called it, was sent for,
and we drove off in fine style.
There were a great many people invited to
meet us, and I could see that there was quite
a little flutter of excitement when the Wally-
IT CERTAINLY WAS VERY SIMPLE
His Majesty, however, in his simple, good-
natured way soon put everybody at their
ease, and laughed and chattered with the
Girlie and Boy had both been allowed to
come into the drawing-room, and Girlie quite
claimed the Wallypug as her own particular
72 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
guest, while Boy renewed his acquaintance
with the Rhymester, whom he had met before
at Zum, and despite their mother's protests
they carried these two members of our party
off in triumph to show them their play-room
and toys and to talk over old times.
While they were away the Doctor-in-Law
made himself very agreeable to the ladies,
and I watched him bowing and smiling and
chatting, first with one group, then with
another, with great amusement. I found out
afterwards that he had promised several of
them portraits of his Majesty and suite for
2s. 6d. each as soon as they should be taken,
and in every case had asked for the money
in advance; but the great event of the after-
noon was when A. Fish, Esq., wrapped up
in Mrs. Putchy's pink woollen shawl, borrowed
for the occasion, and surrounded by a group
of young ladies, consented after much pressing
to deliver part of his lecture on the "Per-
hapness of the Improbable."
"You bust sed for the Rhymebster though
to help be to read id, for by cold is still so
bad thad I can'd do id by byself," he explained.
So the Rhymester was sent for, and his
AN 'AT HOME' AND THE ACADEMY 73
Majesty also came down to hear the wonderful
lecture. It had been turned into verse by the
A. FISH, ESQ., OBLIGES
Rhymester, who, after an affected attempt to
clear his throat, read as follows:
THE PERHAPNESS OF THE IMPROBABLE.
If this were that, and these were those,
And hither nearer thither,
Why, which might be whatever it chose,
And there be any whither.
Somehow wouldd be the simpler way
To dearer be than cheaper,
And that's why when (each other day)
Would higher be than deeper.
74 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
So worst would be the best of all,
And far more less than either;
While short would certainly be tall,
And therefore thus be neither.
"Beautiful! charming!" echoed all the young
ladies at once when he had finished, while one
ABSENT-MINDEDLY SPILT HIS TEA
lady sitting near me exclaimed, How sweetly
simple!" For my own part I thought that it
was anything but simple, and caught myself
trying to follow the line of argument with the
most brain-confusing results.
AN 'AT HOME' AND THE ACADEMY 75
The Wallypug was greatly distressed when
he discovered that while listening to the read-
ing, and looking at the charming young lady
with whom he had been conversing, he had
absent-mindedly spilt the whole of his cup of
tea over her dress.
"You see, they didn't give me a plate
to put my cake on," I heard him explain
apologetically, "and it was so awkward, for
my cup would keep slipping about on the
The young lady smiled very sweetly and
assured his Majesty that it didn't matter in
the least, and shortly afterwards we left, having
stayed, as it was, far beyond the regulation time.
When we arrived home we found a letter
addressed to the Rhymester in the letter-box,
which in a state of great excitement he tore
open with trembling fingers.
Upon reading the contents he burst into
"Poor man, poor man!" he sobbed. "I
am so sorry to have caused him so much
It is a letter from an Editor," he explained
through his tears, "and he is in great distress
76 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
through not being able to publish my poem.
He says he greatly regrets his inability to
make use of it! Poor man, he evidently feels
it very keenly. I must write and tell him not
to be too unhappy about it."
I had some letters to write too, one to a
photographer in Regent Street, asking for an
appointment the next morning, for I was de-
termined that the Doctor-in-Law should send
the promised photographs to the young ladies
The first thing in the morning came a
telegram to say that we could be photographed
at eleven o'clock, so, after my guests had made
themselves as spruce as possible, we started
off and reached there in good time.
It was suggested that the Wallypug should
be taken by himself, but when he saw the
camera pointed directly at him while the
operator disappeared beneath the black cloth,
he came to the conclusion that it was too
dangerous a machine to be faced with impunity,
so he suddenly turned his back upon it, and
nervously fled from the room.
It was only by promising that the others
should be taken with him that we could get
AN.'AT HOME' AND THE ACADEMY 77
him to sit at all, and even then there was a
strained and nervous expression upon his face,
which suggested that he was in momentary fear
that the thing would "go off."
The Rhymester insisted upon being taken
with one of his poems in his hand, the Doctor-
in-Law wore his usual complacent smile, and
altogether the group was quite a success.
As soon as the "operation," as the Wallypug
would insist upon calling it, was over, we went
downstairs, his Majesty leading the way, while
the Doctor-in-Law stayed behind for a moment
to make some arrangements with the photo-
grapher about commission. We had intended
going home by 'bus, but when we got to the
door his Majesty was nowhere to be seen.
What could have become of him? We looked
up and down the street, but could see no signs
of him anywhere; and at last, after hunting
about for a considerable time, he was discovered
calmly sitting inside a furniture removal van,
waiting for it to start, under the impression
that it was an omnibus.
I'm sure this is the right one," he explained,
" for it has Kensington' printed' in large letters
on it. Come along, there's plenty of room
78 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
inside; the conductor and the driver will be
here presently, I suppose."
I laughingly explained to his Majesty the
mistake which he had made, and we walked
on as far as Piccadilly Circus, where we found
a 'bus to take us to the Academy, which we
intended visiting on our way home. We had
not gone far though, when I suddenly re-
membered that the 22nd June was very close
at hand, and that I had better make arrange-
ments for seats to view the Jubilee Procession
or I should be too late. So it was arranged
that the Doctor-in-Law should take charge of
the party while I went on to the agents to
see about the seats. They would have no
difficulty in getting home by themselves for
the 'buses ran from just outside the Academy
doors straight to Kensington, so I felt sure
that they would be all right.
"How much is the entrance fee to the
Academy?" asked the Doctor-in-Law, as I
was getting down from the 'bus.
"A shilling each," I replied, and I saw the
little man collecting the money from the others
as the 'bus disappeared from view.
I was very fortunate at the agents in being
WAITING FOR IT TO START
AN 'AT HOME' AND THE ACADEMY 81
able to secure a capital window in Piccadilly,
and some Stores in the neighbourhood under-
took to provide a luncheon and to suitably
decorate the window for us.
These arrangements being satisfactorily con-
cluded, I hurried home, and was greatly relieved
to find my guests there before me.
"How did you enjoy the Academy?" I
COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE CATALOGU--
COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE CATALOGUE
"Not at all!" said his Majesty decidedly,
"Waste of money, I call it," said the
Rhymester, sniffing contemptuously.
82 THE WALLYPUG IN' LONDON
I was dever so disappointed id edythig id
all by life!" declared A. Fish, Esq.
Besides, the catalogue was no good at all,"
complained his Majesty. "We could make
neither head nor tail of it."
The Doctor-in-Law was silent, and it was
only by very careful inquiry that I found out
that, after pocketing their money, he had taken
them to an immense hoarding covered with
advertisement posters, and had gammoned them
into believing that that was the Academy, while
it was no wonder that the poor Wallypug could
not understand the 'catalogue,' for it was noth-
ing more nor less than an old. illustrated stores
It was really too bad of the Doctor-in-Law.
T HE few days which elapsed before the
memorable 22nd of June passed very
quickly, and we were all more or less busy
making preparations for the festival. His
Majesty would insist upon polishing up his
regalia himself in order to do honour to the
occasion, and spent hours over his crown with
a piece of chamois leather and some whiten-
ing till, though somewhat battered by the
rough usage it had sustained, it shone quite
brilliantly. Mrs. Putchy herself suggested
making his Majesty some new red silk rosettes
for his shoes, which he very graciously con-
sented to accept. The Doctor-in-Law was
always so spick and span that we scarcely
noticed any change in his appearance, but
the Rhymester had made arrangements with
84 THE WALLYPUG IN LONDON
General Mary Jane to wash, starch, and iron
his lace collar, and he remained in his room
one entire day while it was being done up.
A. Fish, Esq., purchased a necktie of most
brilliant colouring, and One-and-Nine touched
himself up here and there with some red
enamel where his tunic had
become shabby in places, so
that altogether our party
looked very smart as we
drove at a very early hour to
our seats in Piccadilly. To
avoid the crowd we went by
way of Bayswater Road, and
then passed down Park Lane
and through Berkeley Square,
WITH SOME RED ENAMEL in order to reach the back
entrance to the house in Piccadilly where I
had booked seats.. Our gorgeous carriage was
everywhere hailed with great delight, being of
course mistaken for a portion of the Jubilee pro-
cession, and many were the conjectures heard
on all sides as to who the Wallypug could
Our window was in the centre of the build-
ing on the first floor, and we had it all to
ourselves. A table at the back of the room
was tastefully set out with an excellent cold
collation, and in front of the window, which
was most elaborately decorated with velvet
curtains, flags, and trophies, and which was
surmounted by a device which was understood
to be the Wallypug's coat-of-arms, a gorgeous,
gilded, high-backed chair was placed as a throne
for his Majesty, and comfortable seats were
also provided for the rest of the party.
The crowd outside greeted our appearance
with quite a demonstration, as by the enormous
placard outside announcing the name of the
decorators, and stating that they were by
appointment to his Majesty the Wallypug of
Why, of course everybody knew who we were.
Indeed, one learned-looking person in the crowd
was holding forth to an eager audience, and
explaining exactly where Why was situated,
and pretending that he had been there, and
had seen the Wallypug before, ever so many
As the time approached for the procession
to pass, the Wallypug became very excited
and nervous. "Shall I really see the Queen
of England ?" he kept asking over and over