The Comic almanack


Material Information

The Comic almanack
Physical Description:
2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication:
Creation Date:
Publication Date:


Subjects / Keywords:
Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
non-fiction   ( marcgt )

Record Information

Source Institution:
University of Florida
Holding Location:
University of Florida
Rights Management:
All applicable rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier:
aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID:

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Title Page
        Title Page
    The comic almanack for 1850
        Unnumbered ( 10 )
        Before and after marriage
            Page 304
            Page 305
            Page 306
        In praise of Sherry Cobblers
            Page 307
        Any one for Egypt ? - Egypt !
            Page 308
            Page 309
        Good old times
            Page 310
        All a blowing ! all a growing !
            Page 311
            Page 312
        Affecting copy of verses written by the wretched bridegroom
            Page 313
            Page 314
        Bon mot to wafers : or seals for shutting up governors lovers debtors and creditors
            Page 315
        Lord Mayor in Ireland
            Page 316
        Dreadful case of agricultural distress
            Page 317
            Page 318
            Page 319
        Breach of promise
            Page 320
            Page 321
        Cockney enigmas
            Page 322
            Page 323
        Happiest day of my life
            Page 324
            Page 325
        College for ladies
            Page 326
            Page 327
            Page 328
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text



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Virginia Graham

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from 1835 to 1843, a nine years' gathering of the BEST
HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest Quips, and the
A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Wood-
cuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE,

may now be had of the Publisher, crown 8vo, 600 pp.,
price 7s. 6d.

SThe First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise
THE COMPLETE WORK, extendingfrom 1835 to 1853.

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FOR i85o.




How do the Gentlemen do before marriage ?-
Oh, then they come flattering,
Soft nonsense chattering,
Praising your pickling,
Playing at tickling,
Love verses writing,
Acrostics inditing.
If your finger aches, fretting,
Fondling, and petting,
SMy loving,"-" my doingg"
Petseying,"-" wetseying."
Now sighing, now dying,
Now dear diamonds buying.
Or yards of Chantilly, like a great big silly,
Cashmere shawls-brandy balls,
Oranges, apples-gloves, Gros de Naples,
Sweet pretty skuggies"-ugly pet puggies;
Now with an ear-ring themselves endearing,
Or squandering guineas upon Sevigaes,
Now fingers squeezing or pla% fully teasing,
Bringing you bull's eyes, casting you sheep's eyes,
Looking in faces while working braces ;
Never once heeding what they are reading,
But soiling one's hose by pressing one's toes;
Or else so zealous, and nice and jealous of all the fellows-
Darting fierce glances if ever one dances with a son of France's;
Or finding great faults, and threatening assaults whenever you "' valtz;"
Or fuming and fussing enough for a dozen if you romp with your cousin;
Continually stopping, when out a-shopping, and bank-notes dropping,
Not seeking to win money, calling it tin" money, and promising pin-money;
Liking picnics at Twickenham, off lovely cold chicken, ham, and champagne
to quicken 'em;
Detesting one's walking without John too goes stalking, to prevent the men
Think you still in your teens, wont let you eat greens,"and hate Crinolines;
Or heaping caresses, if you curl your back tresses, or wear low-neck'd dresses;
Or when up the river, almost sure to diskiver that it beats all to shiver the
sweet Guadalquiver;



1850.] AFTER MARRIAGE. 305

Or seeing death-fetches if the toothache one catches, making picturesque
sketches of the houses of wretches;
Or with loud double knocks bring from Eber's a box, to see Box AD Cox,"
or pilfer one's locks to mark their new socks;
Or, whilst you are singing a love song so stinging, they vow they'll be
swinging, or in Serpentine springing, unless to them clinging you'll go
wedding-ringing, and for life mend their linen.
Now the gentlemen sure I've no wish to disparage,
But this is the way they go on before marriage.

How do the Gentlemen do after marriage ?-
Oh, then nothing pleases 'em,
But everything teases 'em;
Then they're grumbling and snarling-
You're a "fool" not a "darling ;"
Though they're rich as the Ingies,
They're the stingiest of stingies;
And what is so funny,
They've never got money;
Only ask them for any
Andthey haven't a penny;
But what passes all bounds,
On themselves they'll spend pounds-
Give guineas for lunch
Off real turtle and punch;
Each week a noise brings about, when they pitch all the things about
Now bowing in mockery, now smashing the crockery;
Scolding and swearing, their bald heads tearing;
Storming and raging past all assuaging.
Heaven preserve us it makes one so nervous,
To hear the door slam to, be called simple Ma'am too:
(I wonder if Adam called Mrs. Eve Madam;)
As a matter of course they'll have a divorce;
Or my Lord Duke" intends to send you home to your friends:
Allow ten pounds a quarter for yourself and your daughter;
Though you strive all your might you can do nothing right;
While the maids-the old song-can do nothing wrong;
"Ev'ry shirt wants a button !" Every day they've cold mutton;
They're always a-flurrying one, or else they're a-hurrying one, or else they're
a-worrying one;
Threatening to smother your dear sainted Mother, or kick your big Brother;
After all your fine doings, your struggling and stewings-why, the house
is in ruins!"
Then the wine goes like winking, and they cannot help thinking you've taken
to drinking;
They're perpetually rows keeping, 'cause out of the house-keeping they're in
bonnets their spouse keeping ;
So when they've been meated, if with pies they're not treated, they vow that
they're cheated;
Then against Ascot Races, and all such sweet places, they set their old


And they'll never leave town, nor to Broadstairs go down, though with bile
you're quite brown;
For their wife.they unwilling are, after cooing and billing her, to stand a cap
from a Milliner-e'en a paltry twelve shillinger;
And it gives them the vapours to witness the capers of those bowers and
scrapers the young linendrapers;
Then to add to your woes, they say nobody knows how the money all goes,
but they pay through the nose'for the dear children's clothes;
Though you strive and endeavour, they're so mightily clever, that please
them you'll never, till you leave them for ever-yes! the hundredth
time sever-"for ever-AND EVER "!!
Now the gentlemen sure I've no wish to disparage,
But this is the way they go on after marriage.




OH, I have quaff'd of many a drink,
Right from Tokay" to "Tiddlelywink;"
I have grown dizzy upon the Mountain;"
Cool'd me with Soda from the fountain;"
My eyes have glisten'd with Malmsey" brightening;
My soul been rous'd with Thunder and Lightning;"



With "Rossignol" I've filled my throat,
Till another "jug! jug !" was all my note;
And when that cloy'd-the feast to vary-
I've madly swallow'd my Canary;"
I've tippled Punch of my own brewing;
Gone first to "rack," and then to "ruin;"
Like Cleopatra, th' Egyptian girl,
I've drain'd my draught of precious "purl;"
My heart I've warm'd with nice lamb's wool;"
I've had at your "dog's nose" many a pull;
And cried aloud between my, sips too,
"It's the sweetest thing I've put my lips to."
But tho' sweet your dog's nose" to my two lips,
Oh, sweeter still are those "mint juleps;"
Yet much as Juleps I adore,
I love my neat "Old Tom" still more;
But-away with all vain artful dodges!-
I doat upon my cordial Hodges ;"
And yet it must-shall be confest-
1 love a little Jackey" best.
Still it doth Jackey-Tom eclipse,
To press my Bishop" to my lips;
Yes, 'tis that "Bishop" most I prize,
That lifts my soul up to the skies.
Yet no!-there's one so sweet and good,
That I could die with-that I could!
What tho' Old Tom" this heart enthrall?
I love a Cobbler" more than all!
What tho' my Bishop" spicier be?
A Cobbler" give-oh, give to me!
My "Jackey's" strong-my "Hodges' fine;
But ah! my "Cobbler" is divine;
In summer cool "dog's noses" are,
But Cobblers" cooler-sweeter far.

When to the Opera I repair,
I always take my Cobbler" there;
When at a ball I seek delight,
My Cobbler" makes me dance all night;
For 'tis my greatest joy and pride
To have a Cobbler" by my side.
1 love all Cobblers !"-If any best,
The last alone excels the rest;
With each I cry, between my sips too,
'Tis the sweetest 'Cobbler' I've put my lips to."




Or course we snail have a Railway to Grand Cairo-the LONDON AND
GREAT DESERT DIRECT. How the antiquaries will get over this attack upon
the very seat of their learning it is impossible to say. Will they stand idly
by and not resent this blow levelled at their renowned Sesostris-this slap
given to their Cheops?
However, as a matter of course, there will be a continual succession of
cheap trips under the influence of Crisp. Every Englishman, who can afford
to spend a week and a five-pound note in the pursuit of pleasure, will be sure
to go. For in addition to the MAGNIFICENT SCn.NERY," FREE ADMISSION
TO ALL THE PYRAMIDS," &c. &c., the advertisements will doubtless assure
us that in every town at which the train stops, a professor will be. engaged,
so that whilst the travellers are swallowing their soup, they may be crammed
with a complete knowledge of the language of the country-a process which
will enable Englishmen to digest Coptic and Oxtail at one and the same time.
This Railway will assuredly be the making of Egypt and the Egyptians.
In a very little time the Desert Sara will become as lively as Cremorne, and
its sands as much frequented by the ladies as those of Ramsgate while the
gentlemen are bathing. Villages will spring up in the bosom of the country
almost as rapidly as mustard and cress would in the bosom of an Irishman.
The sources of the Nile will afford beautiful spots for picnics where parties
bringing their own tea may be accommodated with hot water; and the great
Lake of MAeris will of course be thoroughly repaired, and opened as a Na-
tional Swimming Bath--warranted free from Crocodiles.



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850.] ANY ONE FOR EGYPT ?-EGYPT !" 309

Then the Pyramids will be just the very place for some Mustapha Bunn to
begin an operatic season in; the only thing required to be done will be to fit
up each Sarcophagus as a private box; get a monster band with a mammoth
ophicleide to play the Desert, and engage the celebrated vocal statue of
Memnon to sing a solo. What a splendid joke too for the clown to let off on
the first night of the Pantomime; when, after turning his toes in, rolling his
eyes, and thrusting his tongue out, he cries, Here we are again! Thirty
centuries are a-lookin' down on us! Somebody's a-coming!" This alone
would fill the Pyramids.
Then again as a place for posters, the Pyramids would soon shut up"
Waterloo Bridge. Noses and Son alone doubtless would engage one entire
side of Ptolemy's, whilst Jullien would cover Cyphreus with a monster
Of course all caravans would be superseded, and camels only used for
picnics and penny rides at fairs. The once-renowned Ben Haroun ad Deen
will be waiting to comfort the hungry passenger, crying aloud as he stands
beneath the glorious Sphinx, Allah is good!-Baked 'taturs all hot!-and
Mahomet is his Prophet. Here's your prime flowery sort!" Whilst the
once bloodthirsty Ben Hassan, as he leans against the bright gas-lit Cleo-
patra's Needle, will lift up his voice with "May the Prophet bless you. Ham
sandwiches a penny."
The salutary effect that this mixing of the English with the Egyptian
will have upon our Poetry and Romance, can be much better imagined than
described,"-as George Robins used to say in every one of his advertisements.
Instead of our trumpery "Wilt thou love me then as now?" and "Yes,
dearest, then I'll love thee more!" we shall have good wholesome emotion,
and "no nonsense," in the shape of the following little Anglo-Arabian snatch:
"For thirty days I could not eat-neither have I slept for the fleas and
excessive weeping.
Her face is like the full moon, her hair like capsicums, and her nose is
the finest of Grecians.
She moveth like the willow branch, and she speaketh Coptic with a pure
Pyramidical accent.
"Her breath is like ambergris; she hath rubies and pearls, and jacinths,
and heaps of red gold in the consols."
This is sterling affection if you like. There are few Englishmen who
could keep a flame burning for thirty days.
When all these things are worked out, it will be time to begin agitating
for that great moral change, the introduction of Polygamy into England. If
true-born Britons are to be forced still to continue monogamists, what, we
would ask, is to become of the surplus lady population ? Either they must
be induced to emigrate in a body to the Grand Sultan, or an act must be
passed to make bigamy according to law. Something must be done for as
matters are at present, our wives are just one too many for us.



THE good old times" are past, my boys,
The good old times" are past.
And, if it's true what Hist'ry says,
It's lucky we live in other days
Than the good times" past;
Then the Noble's might was the only right,
But the people have grown stronger:
The iron collar's off their necks-
Thank God they're dogs no longer !
The good old times" are past, my boys,
The good old times" are past,
When the skies were bloody with martyr fires,
And daughters lighted their fathers' pyres,
In the "good times" past.
Then, mothers at the stake gave birth;
And, to make their sufferings stronger,
Had their new-born babe flung in the flames-
Thank God, we burn no longer!
The good old times" are past, my boys,
The "good old times" are past,
When we kill'd-not kept-our aged poor,-
Burnt them as witches by the score,
In the "good times" past.
Then a child of five was burnt alive,
For making the tempest stronger;
And a dog they tried, and a corpse beside-
Thank God, that lasts no longer!
The good old times" are past, my boys,
The "good old times" are past,
When the balls were cut from each dog's paw,
For fear they should hunt-so ran the law,
In the good times" past.
Then manure, they said, was bad for the game,
And rendered the flavour stronger;
So they made it death to Manure the land-
Thank God, that lasts no longer !
The good old times" are past, my boys,
The good old times" are past,
When the walls of Temple Bar were spread
With many a "traitor's" rotting head,
In the good times" past.
Then for forty shillings men were hung,
And the thirst for blood grew stronger
Man's life was valued then at a sheep's-
Thank God, that lasts no longer!


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AT the time of the French Revolution it was the fashion for ladies to wear
their dresses as tight round as pillow-cases; but now-a-days all is confusion
and bustle. That plaguy half-moon thing has set the ladies' dresses swelling .
and swelling, till it will soon take as much stuff to make a skirt as it does
to make a tent. Forty years back a "full dress" would go comfortably into
a bandbox, but now it is only with a great deal of pressing that more than
one can be squeezed into an opera-box.
It was bad enough when "ye faire damezelles" had hoops all round, like
sugar casks or painted posts; but now they are encompassed with air-tubes
big enough for an atmospheric railway, and it is high time for the husbands
to meddle with what they don't understand, and pick the ladies' dresses to
pieces. In ten years, unless an Act of Parliament is passed to prevent the
spread of feminine dresses, ladies will be such awful swells" that there will
be no coming near them. Husbands, to obtain the least "peace and quiet,"
will be obliged to blow their wives up not less than three times a day. Ladies'
maids will be required to have lungs like an ironfounder's blast; for if, when
Mary is directed to puff her mistress up into a "good figure," she cannot
blow her out "nice and full," of course she will be told to suit herself with a
place where "good wind" is no object. What a dreadful situation it would
be for a poor dear lady of fashion if any one should call when she's en d&shabil 6
-and consequently, by mere force of contrast, as thin as a Passover biscuit.
There she would be running about the house wringing her hands, either pro-
mising, like a true Christian, to give a kiss for a blow, or else crying, like the
lady with the Mackintosh life-preserver in a storm at sea, Oh dear Oh
dear! Will nobody blow me out ? Will nobody blow me out ?"
One thing is certain; our parties will soon become literal spreads," and


sink into very dull affairs, for there will be no dancing, since it will be phy-
sically impossible for more than one to stand up at a time. The hornpipe-
sailor'sor college-is the only English pas seul, and that, we are afraid, would
not exactly suit either Almack's or the ladies.
If those dreadful dress-extenders" come into fashion, flirting assuredly
must go out. It will be impossible for gentlemen, if the dear creatures keep
them at such a distance-at the very outskirts as it were of their soul's idol,
to come within the mortal range of the very best aimed eyeballs. A squeeze
of the hand will be as rare as a squeeze at Vauxhall. The supper room on
the night of a grand spread" will be a curious place. There the gentlemen
will stand, armed each with a long baker's peel with which to hand the
ladies their refreshments. The greatest nicety, however, will be required in
presenting a trifle, a glass of wine, or a jelly by these means, lest the whole be
deposited in the fair creature's lap. Still if the ladies will persist in blowing
themselves out before they come, they must not complain that they cannot
eat anything when they are nearly bursting.
It would require the great prophet Moore himself to foretell all the mischief
to come unless these gowns are taken in a reef or two. If a cry is raised
against advertising carts for blocking up a street, what noise will the city men
make to a skirt stopping the way like a dead wall! No doubt this last fact
will be taken advantage of by every hill-sticker in London, and many a poor
dear, on returning home, will find she has been walking about all day with a
three-sheet poster behind her, announcing there then were "IMMENSE ArTTrc-
TIOrs, and had been entirely re-decorated and painted."
The omnibus drivers, too, will throw up their reins to a man, unless,
like Pickford's, they are allowed to charge according to size and weight, and
their licences are altered from "thirteen people" to two skirts" inside. But
the most frightful picture for contemplation is, in the event of another French
Revolution, what will become of the women ? With those dresses they are sure
to be seized for making barricades with. Three or four ladies, a carriage, and
a pianoforte or two, would be better than all the paving-stones in Paris.
The ladies had better be careful, or the gentlemen in revenge will intro-
duce the old Dutch costume.



,-6 5h4 6 -/

1850.] 373



IN grief and sorrow I rue the day,
A young woman first led me astray;
There is no hope for me, to-morrow,
My life must end in shame and sorrow.
In the morning, at ten, St. George's bell
Will toll for me-dreadful for to tell;
For then, alas !-oh, bitter lot-
They ties the horrid fatal knot.

Percival Spooney is my sad name,
1 do confess I was much to blame;
I see my folly, now it is too late,
And do deserve my most dreadful fate.

On the first of April, it came to pass,
I well remember,-Alas alas!-
The very thought makes my heart to bleed,-
I did vow to do this horrid deed.

Oh, hadn't I never seen Ann Power,
Might have been happy to this hour;
Keeping company with that artful Miss
Has brought me, in my prime, to this.

It was, while a-walking in Love Lane,
She first put the thoughts into my brain;
Sure, I had much better ne'er been born,
For now I must end my days in scorn.

Intent on effecting my vile plan,
1 seeks her father-a grey-hair'd man;
And, like a madman, straight attacks him,
'Twas a heavy blow when I did axe him.


With a heart of stone, or hardest metal,
The poor old man I quick did settle :
He soon was silenc'd, that fatal night,
And quite cut up-what a horrid sight!

Indeed-indeed, it was shocking sad:
How could I do it ?-but I was mad;
When I did think on what I'd done
I felt inclin'd for to cut and run.

Her mother was,-oh, horrid fact!
A vile accessory to the act;
For she did urge me on, you see,
To do this here atrocity.

Young men, by me pray a warning take-
Shun woman's company ere 'tis too late;
If you're a-courting, strive your lives to mend,
Pity my sad untimely end.

To-morrow, many the crowd will swell,
To behold the awful spectacle :
What a dismal sight, alas! to see
A young man launched into misery.

As the church bell tolls the hour often,
The sad procession will begin;
And then, 'midst many a tearful eye,
My hands they will proceed to tie.

While the fatal noose they do prepare,
The Parson he will breathe a prayer,
Then vainly ask for me a blessin',
And pardon crave for my transgression.

Sadly, I confess, I've done amiss.
I know there is no hope for bliss.
To-morrow I shall be a public gaze,
And then in torments end my days.






Obliged to be sharper, be-
cause les blunt than usual.

- Love should come with a:
ring, but not without a rap.

To-day I write:
To-morrow I writ.

Look out for a Latitat.

A little "soft solder"
for a little tin.

A billet more than deou
for a bill that's over-due.

Pig's cheek pleases-Wo-
an's tickles-Man's offends

I send you an oat (a note),
Responded wheat.

ay we never differ,
But always correspond.

Like a sheep I seek
consolation in my pen.

This is between you and me
and the post.

Though we correspond, I
trust there'll be no words
between us.

You can't do wrong,
If you do write.

May the female be as trust-
worthy as the mail.

I write on spee:
and hope it will answer.

You know the hoad;
Become the possessor of it.

Though a person of extreme
I write this in confidence.

Pray give me your count e-
nance; it will put a bette
face upon the matter.

I trust you wont be dread-
fully affected on receipt
of this.

Sow your wild oats, and
reap five-p'un'-'otes.

You do!
I dun.

The "Governor" holds out,
and wont give up the keys.

Eat a hearty breakfast, and
Dinner forget.

To one who possesses a good
large chore amie (share o'

If I correspond with you,
You must "match" with

You're dying for me you de-
So you are, poor old fellow,
-your hair.

Friendship is the cement of
life, and we the bricks."

You require bleeding;
Allow me to stick you.

This is the land of Liberty,
so I take one.

Don't be always for-getting,
And never for-giving.

For cleaning your tables
there's nothing like a good

One chaste salute,
Go it my two-tis.

Give your countenance, and
you'll give something ex-
tremely handsome.



IT is sad pity the City of London broke off their bargain about the
Connaught waste land. Everybody was waiting for the fun, when his
Civic Majesty should pay his state visit to the Kingdom of Bogs that
he had added to that of Gog's. How the boys" would have laughed
to see the whole procession stick fast in the mud, and the man in armour,
weighed down in his own scales, sink up to his helmet in the swamp.
How the "finest pisinthry" would have cheered to see the gilt coach,
Lord Mayor, Recorder and all, suddenly disappear in the illigant muck.
In compliment to his new subjects, the Emperor of all the Bogs and
Gogs, of course, would have ordered the faithful Birch (for spare the
birch spoil the boys") to supply a "feast" replete with every Irish
delicacy of the season. The bill of fare for this most probably would
have been, First Course-Praties wid de bones in 'em; Remove-the
smallest taste in life of salt mate, to make the poteen come like a
" rale blessin." Then to win the hearts of his new subjects the King
of Cockneydom would, doubtlessly, have spoken in the richest brogue
he could manage. At Donnybrook he would have chucked all the girls
under the chin and called them Macrees," and Astores;" and de-
lighted the men by flourishing his shillelah and crying Och! Goroo!
Goroo! Tare an 'ouns will nobody thrid on the tails of my gownd ?"
while, to complete the thing, he would have directed the "Mace-bearer,
darlint, to feel round the tint for the bald hids of the Aldermin."
Really our London Mayors are almost as strange animals as the
Irish Bulls.

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THE state of the British Farmer is growing desperate. Unless something
is done quickly, they will ere long become mere men of straw. As it is,
the distress prevalent in the different counties has nearly reached its climax.
The farmers are so tied down in NOTTS that scarcely any of them have
tasted Champagne for the last six months. There isn't a man in BaDs that
dreams of hunting more than twice a-week, and Oxox, nearly mad from being
driven so hard, has scarcely a dozen families in which the French language
is spoken.
The great question of what will become of the British Farmer has been in
part answered by Mr. Hiceter, who has become-insolvent. It appears that
gentleman has for some time expected the Ploughshare of Distress to cut up
his hearth, and the Harrow of affliction to dig its teeth and nails into the
bosom of his family. This he has long anticipated, on account of his not
having paid any rent for the last two years-indeed from the fact of farming
seldom paying, Mr. Hiceter had long since learned to look upon the agricul-
tural business as an extensive field for hoeing (owing). Mr. Hiceter com-
plains that he has suffered much from his kidneys, which have been diseased
for these last two years. His barley, he says, has run to nothing but beard.
His ears, however, have been remarkably long; still, his corn has been so
bad of late, that it has been as much as he could do to hobble on for this long
time. Two large fields of Mangel Wurzel have been swallowed up by a
Native de Paris, whom he engaged to perfect his daughters in the French


tongue; and the whole of his six acres of canary seed have gone to teach the
girls singing.
The sympathy of the country for miles round has been raised on behalf of
the Misses Hiceter. Their accomplishments are such that if they were not
born, at least they have been bred ladies of quality. In the midst of their
sorrows they find great comfort in the use of the globes. They do not com-
plain, but pass their time singing Italian duets, and they have already worked
several superb ottomans. Their extreme repugnance to the disgustingly
early hours, and vulgar laborious offices of a farm life, completely reconciles
them to their present condition of having nothing to do. They also feel
great consolation in knowing that in future they will be able to appear every
evening in "low-necked dresses," without being pointed at by the ploughboys,
and to dine at the much more civilized hour of seven, without being called
proud by the Goodies.
In their prosperity it was ever the object of the Misses Hiceter to ennoble
and refine the low manners and customs of the British Farmer. It was
through their exertions that their brother, Mr. Albert Hiceter, was induced
to wear a diamond ring and yellow kid gloves whilst guiding the plough.
Whistling at the plough was also strictly forbidden by them among the farm
servants, and white berlin gloves and meerschaum pipes rigorously insisted
It is very gratifying to learn that these two young ladies have made up
their minds to marry only persons of independent fortune and title, and to
leave their papa as soon as they conveniently can, unless he consents to
forego his filthy clay pipe before company.
We subjoin a few of the lots and purchasers at the late sale:-
Lot 5.-A capital Guernsey Cow; a first-rate Spanish Guitar; two Breed-
ing Sows; and a lovely Chalk drawing of a "Brigand," by Miss Victoria
Hiceter.-(Bought for 22 10 0 by Ensign Namby, whose features bore a
great resemblance to those of the Brigand.)
Lot 8.-Thirty sacks of prime Potatoes (Early Yorks); a patent Rat-trap;
a splendid Embroidered Cat; Wheelbarrow, never used; four ropes of strong
Onions; six dozen of the best French Cambric Pocket Handkerchiefs; and a
binocular Opera Glass.-(Sold very cheap to a Gin Spinner of the name of
Lot 22.-Capital Set first-rate Harness; several Embroidered Collars;
sixteen Hay Forks; three rows lovely Imitation Pearls; two bushels of
Buckwheat; nearly a peck of dirty White Kid Gloves (warranted cleaned
only twice); and a bunch of handsome False Ringlets.-(Purchased by the


s85o.] BREACH OF. PROMISE. 319

Bev. G. Hodder, who complained that some of the Kid Gloves would not
bear cleaning again.)
Lot 36.-Two pair of magnificent Top-boots; half an acre of fine Turnips;
one quart of Lavender Water; a sack of Oats; a dozen plump Geese; six
new Ostrich Feathers; and a bundle of blue Veils.-(Sold to Mrs. Glyde of
the Bookery.)
Lot 54.-Magnificent Stuffed Spaniel (King Charles's breed); eight good
Spades; ditto Pitchforks ; two beautiful Fancy Dresses (one Circassian Slave,
and one Mary Queen of Scots); several Vols. Italian Duets; splendidly bound
Family Bible (not much used); large Garden Roller; and six loads strong
Manure.-(Knocked down to Lady Guy Tomlins, who had brought her
carriage to take them with her.)



ON the day appointed for the trial of the wretched man MIKE
WINKIN, the rush of ladies was so terrific that, we regret to state, several
highly respectable females met with severe accidents. MRS. DE SMYTHE.
SMITH had her bonnet completely crushed, and her body literally torn
from her. She was carried to a shop in the neighbourhood, where her
head was immediately dressed; her body, however, was found so
injured that it was thought advisable to take it off. Miss BEEVES, we
are sorry to say, also lost both her legs, they having been taken from
under her in the scuffle.
The greatest praise is due to Mas. INSPECTOR DAKIN of the T divi-
sion, who kept up a constant and strong supply of that body.
At ten o'clock Mas. SETJEANT BLUtBA took her seat on thefauteuil.
She was attired in a robe of poult-de-soie rose, trimmed with peau de
lapin blanc garmie de demi queue de chat noir, and with her hair
au cactus. On the "devotionals" beside her were seated the MIssEs


The prisoner on being brought in was assailed with cries of "You
brute! Oh, you brute!" which drowned the call of Miss Asthma the
usher, for Silence, my dears! Pray, silence, my dears!"
Miss Wartz, Q.C., the celebrated authoress of the Trials of Women,"
assisted by fifteen other ladies, appeared for the prosecution; and, having
laid down a lovely pair of braces that she had been engaged in working,
opened the case by saying that-
In the whole of her born days she had never heard of such a down-
right cruel affair.
Ever since she had worn a filthy disgusting wig that covered her
" seat of reason" with horse-hair.
What on earth had come to the gentlemen lately was really more than
she could say.
But men's suits now-a-days were so plentiful that it was the third
time she had appeared in breeches that day.
Really, marriage was made such game of now-a-days, that,
terrible to tell! Hymen had completely extinguished his torch; for,
as he said, le jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle." (Great confusion
and cries of Silence, my dears! Pray, pray, my dears! let us have
The plaintiff in this case is a very good young woman, in the prime
of life, and the pastrycook line;
Whose manners are lovely, morals excellent, character superb, and
eel pies divine.
Early each morning defendant would seek out her shop, and stop there
the whole of the day.
Paying, the great big silly, nothing but compliments for emptying
the whole of the stale-tart tray.
But his promises proved only pie-crust; for he suddenly left her to
make love to a cook-shop next door.
After having sworn the fondest devotion, and lived on her eel pies
for a good six months or more.



And now he sends her a nasty impudent letter, saying, carrots are
things he cannot a-bear;
Though, as the poor fond dear said, she was ready to dye for his
sake, the very moment she heard he didn't like nice warm auburn hair
Mrs. Sniggles was called as witness. She objected to say how old
she was. Might be forty-might be twenty. On her oath, she wasn't
sixty. Would swear she wasn't fifty-nine. Was perfectly well aware
of the consequences of perjury; and yet would persist in affirming that
she had not reached her fifty-eighth year. Objected to answer any more
questions as to age. (Objection allowed.) Knew plaintiff. Had called
to see her, and found the poor thing fainting. She came to a little
when the chemist's young man tickled her. Plaintiff hadn't eaten
enough to lie on a fourpenny-piece ever since. Wouldn't swear to a
At this point of the case, the forewoman of the jury stated to her
Honour that their minds were perfectly made up as to the guilt of the
prisoner: whereupon Mrs. Serjeant Blubag proceeded to put on the
black cap. It was of crepe noir, splendidly trimmed with artificial
flowers of rosemary and rue, and had a very distingu6 and solemn
effect. Her Honour dwelt for a considerable time on the wretched
man's impudent expression of countenance, asking him in a most im-
pressive manner where he expected he would go to, and concluded by
sentencing him to marriage and hard labour for the remainder of his
days, as hanging was too good for him.
The defendant was then removed in the custody of Mrs. Twentystone,
the turnkey, and an old maiden lady of a serious turn of mind was
immediately sent for, to prepare the man for his wretched doom.




No. 1.
(On the letter H.)
I DWELLS in the Herth, and I breathes in the Hair;
If you searches the Hocean you'll find that I'm there.
The first of all Hangels in Holympus am Hi,
Yet I'm banish'd from 'Eaven, expelled from on 'Igh.
But tho' on this Horb I am destin'd to grovel,
I'm ne'er seen in an 'Ouse, in an 'Ut, nor an 'Ovel;
Not an 'Oss nor an 'Unter e'er bears me, alas!
But often I'm found on the top of a Hass.
I resides in a Hattic, and loves not to roam,
And yet I'm invariably habsent from 'Ome.
Tho' 'ushed in the 'Urricane, of the Hatmosphere part,
I enters no 'Ed, I creeps into no 'Art.
Only look, and you'll see in the Heye I appear,
Only hark, and you'll 'ear me just breathe in the Hear;
Though in sex not an 'E, I am (strange paradox!)
Not a bit of an 'Effer, but partly a Hox.
Of Eternity Hi'm the beginning! And mark,
Though I goes not with Noar, I'm the first in the Hark.
I'm never in 'Elth-have with Fysic no power;
I dies in a Month, but comes back in a Hour.

1850.] 323


No. II.

(On the letter W.)

THE Vide Vorld you may search and my fellow not find;
I dwells in a Wacuum, deficient in Vind ;
In the Wisage I'm seen-in the Woice I am heard,
And yet I'm inwisible-gives went to no Vurd.
I'm not much of a Vag, for I'm wanting in Vit;
But distinguished in Werse for the Wollums I've writ.
I'm the head of all Willains, yet far from the Vurst-
I'm the foremost in Wice, tho' in Wirtue the first.
I'm us'd not to Veapons, and ne'er goes to Vor;
Tho' in Walour inwincible-in Wictory sure.
The first of all Wiands and Wictuals is mine-
Rich in Wen'zon and Weal, but deficient in Vine.
To Wanity given, I in Welwets abound;
But in Voman, in Vife, and in Vidow an't found ;
Yet, conspicuous in Wirgins And I'll tell you, between us.
To persons of taste I'm a bit of a Wenus;
Yet none take me for Veal-or for Voe in its stead,
For I ranks not among the s-veet Voo'd Vun and Ved.




THE Ancients certainly made a great mistake in not choosing Niobe for the
Goddess of Marriage. Hymen is by far too jolly; he is all smiles-more of
the hyena than the crocodile ; whilst Niobe is just as she ought to be-all
There never yet was a marriage that was not a perfect St. Swithin affair.
No one-unless he has a soul of gutta-percha, thoroughly waterproof-should
think of going to a wedding with less than two pocket-handkerchiefs; and,
even then, a sponge is better adapted to the "joyful occasion." Men take
wives as they do pills, with plenty of water-excepting, indeed, when the
"little things" are well gilt.
If a kind of matrimonial barometer were kept in each family, and its daily
indications as to the state of the weather at the fireside accurately regis-
tered, we have no doubt that on the average being taken the following
results would be arrived at-
Meteorologically speaking, it would be highly interesting could we arrive
at a knowledge of the exact amount of "doo" prevailing during courtship.
Nobody can feel more truly wretched than on the happiest day of his life.
A wedding is even more melancholy than a funeral. The bride weeps for
everything and nothing. At first she's heart-broken because she's about to
leave her Ma and Pa; then, because she hopes and trusts Chawles will
always love her; and, when no other excuse is left, she bursts into tears
because she's afraid he will not bring the ring with him. Mamma, too, is
determined to cry for the least thing. Her dear girl is going away, and she
is certain something dreadful is about to happen; and goodness gracious!
she's forgotten to lock the dining-room door, with all the wine and plate on
the table, and three strange greengrocers in the house. At church the water
is laid on at eye-service; indeed, the whole paity look so wretched, no one
would imagine there was a happy pair" among them. When Papa gives
away his darling child, he does it with as many sobs as if he were handing
her over to the fiercest Polygamist since Henry the Eighth-instead of
bestowing her upon one who loves his "lamb," regardless of the "mint" sauce
that accompanies her. The bridegroom snivels, either because crying's catch-
ing, or because he thinks he ought, for decency's sake, to appear deeply
moved; and the half-dozen bridesmaids are sure to be all weeping, because
everybody else weeps.
When the party return home, however, the thoughts of the breakfast
cheer them up a little; and the bridesmaids, in particular, feel quite resigned
to their fate. As if they had grown hungry by crying-or the tears had
whetted their appetites-they Irown their cares for a while in the white soup.

~B~t~E~F~Bh~l~rl, a~S~t~3~resmA~g~
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tureen. The champagne goes off, and goes round. Eyes begin to twinkle,
the young ladies get flushed, and titter and giggle with the bridegroom,
until at last the funny man" of the party begins talking of the splendid
gravy spoon he means to give when he's a godfather; but is immediately
frowned down by the old aunt opposite, who has come dressed out as gaily
and as full of colours as an oilman's sbop-front.
Then the father gets up, and after a short and pathetic enlogium upon the
virtues of that sweet girl," whom he "loves as his own flesh and blood,"
thumps the table, and tells the company that any one who would not treat
her properly would be a scoundrel Upon this every one present turns
round to look and frown at the wretched villain of a bridegroom, and then
they all fall to weeping again. But so strongly has the feeling set in against
the new son-in-law, that it is only by a speech full of the deepest pathos,
that he can persuade the company that he has not the least thought of
murdering, or indeed even assaulting his wife.
At last the mother, bride, and bridesmaids retire to say Good-bye," and
have a good cry altogether upstairs. Then the blessing and the weeping
begin again with renewed vigour. As at Vauxhall, they seem to keep the
grandest shower for the last. The bridesmaids cry till their noses are quite
red, and their hair is as straight as if they had been bathing. And when
the time comes for the happy pair to leave, in order to catch the train for
Dover, then the mother, father, sisters, brothers, bride, bridegroom, brides-
maids, and every soul in the house, all cry-even down to the old cook
"who knowed her ever since she were a babby in long clothes" -as if the
young couple were about to be "transported for life" in the literal rather
than the figurative sense of the term.





(xnminatfion aps.




Englislj language antn literature.

1. According to the Anglo-Norman pronunciation, is it correct to say "the
people of Framce love to darnse on the grarse, neathh the bloo sky ?" or is it
more elegant to speak it thus: The people of Frannce love to dance on
the gras, neathh the bleeugh skeeigh ?"
2. In High English is there such a word as Cabbage?
3. Is the "wide-awake hat" a weak or strong Moeso-Gothic phrase? and
give your opinion as to whether wide-awakes" were worn by the early
Teutonic tribes.
[To be translated into French by the Senior and Junior Classes.]
1. I saw a perfect love of a "white chip," at Howell and James's, and
some of the sweetest muffs I ever beheld in all my life.
2. Our Fanny is a great big silly, and your Charles is a perfect duck.
[Observation sur le Comte D'Orsay, par Mademoiselle Sraphine.]
La cravate c'est la, la force et la puissance de cette homme. Elle 6tait
d'une bleu magnifique. Son gilet brod6 en cheveux tains, noirs, et gris,


dtait d'un velour superbe et d'un rouge infernel. Ces yeux-Seigneur ces
6toiles qu'il avait pour yeux Tout ce qu'il regarded, il perce, comme 1'dclair.
Is sont cruels et adorables Mais surtout-surtout! qu'elles d6lires, qu'elles
extase I voir les favors de cet homme ravissant. C'est 11, est toute sa
puissance. 1l sont v6ritablement le lit rosier de mille Cupidons-
O-o-oh sacre nom de tonnerre le comte est un ange terrestriel et s6duisant.

fbtlosopbu of :ogic.
1. Test the following examples by logical rules-
I should like to know your age ?
Would you!
Then you wont.
2. What form of syllogism does the following come under?-
Dinner is late again !
Why is it so?
Because it is.

1. Is the highest power of T equal to x x x?
2. What is the square of Lincoln's Inn, and is it equal to the square of
Belgrave ?
3. State the areas that the K division of the whole force will occupy.
4. Given a & of lamb, required to know how many times C 21 + E 9 will
go into the same.

1. Draw the ornaments of a Corinthian cap, and explain to what kind of
front and facings same is becoming.

1. Are boys monkeys, and men great pigs ?

1. Does Maiden's Hair (Briza Media) bear many flowers. State whether
it grows to great length; and if, when cut, some asses are not very fond of it.
2. Is Sweet William (Dianthus Barbatus) very hairy about head, and
remarkable for bristles? Is he likewise five-toothed, and how many pistils
does he usually carry ?
1. Mention some of the impediments to marriage, and state what ceremonies
will make a marriage complete in Scotland without celebration in facie


2. In the case of separation by mutual consent, to what extent is the
husband liable for the maintenance of his wife ?


1. What kind of crust is the crust of the earth? Is it a flaky one? and
do you think Nature has a nice light hand for a crust ?


1. Explain fully the meanings knit 4, make 1, slip 4, knit 1, pass the slip
stitch over, slip 1, purl 13, make 3, and reduce them into form.


1. Give an account of the general arrangement, size, structure, and mode
of development of the lower bustle, and explain how, in case of accident, you
would remove and take up same.


1. How do you prepare hands ofpork? Must you first clean your hands.
2. In dressing calves' feet, should you first wash your feet?

4fatural Pzilosopfbp ant @ptics.

1. When an object is placed before a mirror, explain the principles why
the appearance of the figure is increased.
2. Are all bodies compressible ? and, if so, state what force is required to
approximate the two sides of the body, so as to describe a perfect figure.

tlRetbanics anb l~i raulfts.

1. If there be one inclined plain and a positive object," state at what
rate all bodies will fly from them.
2. Explain the action of "pumps," and state how many would be required
to cause an overflow at Almack's. State also how many feet ordinary pumps
will work.