Front Cover
 Title Page
 January 2, 1884
 January 9, 1884
 January 16, 1884
 January 23, 1884
 January 30, 1884
 February 6, 1884
 February 13, 1884
 February 20, 1884
 February 27, 1884
 March 5, 1884
 March 12, 1884
 March 19, 1884
 March 26, 1884
 April 2, 1884
 April 9, 1884
 April 16, 1884
 April 23, 1884
 April 30, 1884
 May 7, 1884
 May 14, 1884
 May 21, 1884
 May 28, 1884
 June 4, 1884
 June 11, 1884
 June 18, 1884
 June 25, 1884
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00044
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00044
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page 1
        Title Page 2
        Page 1
    January 2, 1884
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    January 9, 1884
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    January 16, 1884
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    January 23, 1884
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    January 30, 1884
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 46, 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
        Page 51
        Page 52
    February 6, 1884
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 62
    February 13, 1884
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68, 69
        Page 70
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    February 20, 1884
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
    February 27, 1884
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90, 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
    March 5, 1884
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
    March 12, 1884
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
    March 19, 1884
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
    March 26, 1884
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132, 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
    April 2, 1884
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144, 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
    April 9, 1884
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 160
    April 16, 1884
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
    April 23, 1884
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
    April 30, 1884
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186, 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
    May 7, 1884
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 202
    May 14, 1884
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 212
    May 21, 1884
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218, 219
        Page 220
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
    May 28, 1884
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 230, 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 236
    June 4, 1884
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
    June 11, 1884
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
    June 18, 1884
        Page 261
        Page 262
        Page 263
        Page 264
        Page 265
        Page 266
        Page 267
        Page 268
        Page 269
        Page 270
    June 25, 1884
        Page 271
        Page 272
        Page 273
        Page 274
        Page 275
        Page 276
        Page 277
        Page 278
    Back Cover
        Page 279
Full Text

Alf 0





"PERHAPS that gentleman would be good enough to assist," said the
Professor, smiling persuasively upon the Public. I am sure, sir, you would
make a most sensitive subject.'"
Not a bit of good experimenting on me," said the Public, bashfully;
"I don't even know myself what object my yearnings are fixed upon."
"Wholly immaterial, I assure you," replied the Professor, blandly; "so
long as it is a fact that you have an ardent, a frenzied, an all-absorbing, soul-
engrossing, wild, tearless, passionate, too-deep-for-words, insatiable, restless,
feverish, ceaseless yearning after something."
Every gesture, every glance, the attitude, the bated breath, the throbbing
pulse, of the other proved that the Professor's words indeed painted the
true state of the case. His hand pressed tightly over the region of the
heart; his eyes widely opened, and fixed tearfully upon a something far, far
away; his disengaged hand stretched out as if to clutch the unattainable;
the "subject" writhed in an agony of helpless longing.
For WHAT ? Indeed he knew not; for a something, perchance, beyond
all hope of human attainment-for a something, perchance, as yet unre-
vealed to the mind of man !
"It is enough !" said the Professor, solemnly. "I do not pretend to
supernatural power; the abstract, rhythmic oscillations of the cerebro-
physical portion of the physical recesses, suffice to indicate to me all I
would know. It is as simple as daylight. Tie up my head in a sack."
And hastily attaching himself to his subject by means of a small cable,
the Professor (who was none other than FUN himself) rushed frantically
hither and thither, dragging his victim after him. Never pausing for a
moment, he dashed, after one or two attempts, straight at a niche-the niche
of Fame-thrust in his hand, and drew forth a book bound in red. This is
the object of your yearning," he said calmly, removing the sack from his head.
The "subject" sprang forward, seized the book, covered it with kisses,
sobbed aloud, grasped the Professor's hand with fervent blessings, and then
sank down in his easiest chair, opened the first page, and knew no more of
what passed in the little outer world.
Who was the Professor?" We have already told you-FUN.
Who was the subject'? Have we not said ?-the Public.
What was the book?" Need we answer ? No! It was the


A Day in the Country, 269
After the Battle, 169
Aldermanic Dirge (An), 183
An Effete Praise, 168
An Hiss-Torical Lay, 224
An Incubus Demolished, 189
Another American Outrage, 135
Arizona John, xo
Artists at Play, 159
As Bad as the Worst of 'Em1 199
Averted, 6o
Away and Unwell, r37
BABIES Trains, 77
Ballad of Bigotry, 173
Benevolent Effort (A), 29
Betrothal Bangle (The), 232
Blot on the Bill (The), r8o
Blunderberrys at Breakfast (The), 3, 28, 31,
41, 6t, 77, 88, I17, 148, 163, 219
Briton's Self-Restraint (The), 273
Burnt to Death, 192
CADDISH Carol (A), 245
Can't Help it, Poor Things 1 7
Catching Them Easels, 151
Carol of Colours (A), 39
"Cold Comfort." 13
Conservative Counsel, 61
Conversations for the limes, 27, 59, 66, 93,
137, 171, 190, 209, 215, 239, 25r, 268, 277
Coronets on the Floor, 189
C.O.S., or Providing for the Poor (The), 107
Creature of Impulse (A), 99
Deal of Difference (A), 55
Defeat, 65
Dirty Trick (The), 134
Divided Skirt (The), 215
Doing Baddeley, 27
Dots by the Way, 19, 109, 205
FAR Better, 114
Fearful Vision (A), 2oo
Fearless Five (The), g19o
Feeble Folks, 213
Feminine Franchise, 192
For His Country, 153
Funny, Not Frghtful, 221
GENUINE Offer, A, 30
Getting Tired of It, 177
Greatest Living Wonder (The), no4
Gulls and Gullibility, 95
HEALTH Exhibition, 222
Heart Yearning (A), 223
Home Grown, 163
How to Confer, 202
Inevitable Result, of Course (The), 233
In Memoriam: H.R. H.the Duke ofAlbany,
16o; Charles Reade and H.J. Byron, 173;
Sir Michael Costa, 193
Intelligent Foreigner Settles the Queen's
Speech, 43; Addresses His Constituents,
62; In Parliament, 73, 82, 94, 105, 115,
219, 136, 147, 158, 169, 183, 270, 271
In the Background, 75
In the First Week, 9
In the Public Interest, 245
In the Wrong, of Course, 267
Invulnerable One (The), 37
JocKavs Pulled Up, 20
KNICKNACKS, 20, 23,6o, 71, 811 93, 1c3,13,
223, '35, 157, 267, '77, l89, 233, 246, 258,
268, 273
LA Galhre, 149
Laws of Ling, 259
Lays from Lempnure, 18
Learning to Love It, 248
Lost, 50
Lowering the Standard, 23
Lydia to Horace, 87
MARKETS (The), 49
Men and Things, 249

Mental Torture, 28
Merv-ousness, 125
Millennium, by George (The), 30
Misplaced Beauty, 73
Monster (The), 167
More Wilde Than Ever, 270
Murderous Marquis (The), 235
NATURE and Human Nature, 96
New Year's Motto, 3
Noble Record (A), 236
No Port in a Storm, 82
Not all Show, 258
Nubar and Lloyd, 179
OCTAVIUS Ebenezer Potts, 7, 19, 52, 53,
127, 195, 245
Of Course, 16x
Old Songs Reset, 52
Only Possible Way (The), 235
Only Remedy (The), 29
On the Track, 18
Our Extra-Special at a Billiard Tourna-
ment, 29; On Old Tongue, 5t; And the
M. P. F. S. A., 65; At Khartoum, 87;
Visits the Mahdi, z25; At the Mahdi's,
242; Becomes a Primrose Leaguer, 179;
At the Health Exhibition, 205; At the
Band of the Belgian Guides, 240; Goes
a-Fancy-Fairing, 261
Our Royal Guest, 257
PEACE and War, t16
Planetary Pophecies, 48
Police Intelligence, 83
Political Sensitiveness, 228
Polymorphe, 33
Premier's Portmanteau (The). 241
Prophet's Ally (The), 141
QUITE the Exception, 38
Quisby and Barkins at the R.A., 199, 209,
RANDOLPH: LeaderandC.C.N.U.C.A.,92
Ranks Resolve, 83
Rather Embarrassing, 184
Reading Up, io1
Really Too Cynical, 49
Reasonable Requests, 210
Red Herring Policy (The), 220
Referred to Another Department, 8
Round of the Theatres, 8
Royal Institute of Painters in Water
Colours, 237
Royal Society ofPainters in Water Colours,
SANCTI-toNmOUS Southend, 278
Sanitary Cook (The), 55
Seers and Hearers, 178
Sensible Conduct of Private Brown (The),
Shocking Outburst (A), 229
Slashes and Puffs, 2, 12, 22, 32, 42, 54, 64,
76, 86, 98, 1o8, 118, 228, 140, 152, 162, 172,
182, 194, 204, 214, 226, 238, 250, 262, 272
Slighted, 221
Society Song of Spring (A), 202
Some Day, 51
Song of the Opposition (The), 74
Standing the Racket, 126
Strong Position (A), 39
That Foolish Fourteenth, 67
That Measure, 99
Their Holidays, 251
The Topic, 150o
Those Fellows Ourselves, 157
Titled Toilers, 117
Too Late, 158
Tory Biscuit (The), 203
To the Ladies, 253
Turf Cuttings, 52, 84, ro6, 1x4, 119, 129,
246, 173, 221, 227, 239, 252, 263, 271
Turkey to the Fore Again, 21
Universal Provider (The), 123
Upholding the dignity, 242
VAIN Valentine (A), 73
Very Genuine, 124

WAITING for a Wind, 248
Warbles of the Week, 7, 17, 28, 37, 50, 59,
72, 8t, 94, 104, I14, 124, 136, 147, 153, x68,
178, 184, 200, 210, 222, 246, 252, 267
Whistler's Notes," Harmonies," "Noc-
turnes," &c., 239
Wicked Stories, 253
Woodstock Weathercock (The), z95

ADDING Insult to Injury, 248
Almost a Goner"1 9
Altar-gether Different, 53
American Exports, 260
An Art Treasure, o06
An Element of Disruption, 34
Another Brute, 149
"Arcades Arm-Beau," 237
At the Academy, 193
BAR-Bar-One, 224
Between Sailor and Shipowner, 117
Birds of a Different Feather, 13
British Soldiers of the Present Day, 263
Brute (The), 21
By No Means on the Line, 183
By the Way, 19
CAPITAL Offence (A), 264
Cast A-Part, 126
Certain of Sympathy, ino
Chinese Gordon, 52
City Fathers Please Note, &c., 141
Complete Vestryman (The), I., 154; II, 18i
Conservative "Plant" (The), 18o
Considerate, 84
Consoling. 137
"Court" Etiquette, 257
Covert Sarcasm, 10
DRRBY Tips, 213
Difference Certainly (A), 120
Doings at Lords, 236
Dullard (A), 242
FAREWELL to the Speaker, 97
Fearful Fix (A), 249
Fighting the Bill Line by Line," 163
Filia Pulchrior, 159
First Chop, 65
GLADSTONE Jam (The), 71
Got the Ball at his Foot, 77
Great Battle between Gladstone, &c., 75
HAD him, 73
Hard Lines for Them, 223
Health Exhibition (The): Exhibits Acci-
dentally Omitted, 203
Health Exhibition (The), 216
Hint to the Profession (A), 44
How He Dropped In Her Estimation, &c.,
How we Hush It Up, 225
INCLUDING Her in the Cat-alogue, 107
I Never Can Forget, 202
"In Statu Quo," 270
In the Cold! 130
In Vino Vulgaritas," 261
Irish Jaunting (Car) Remarks, 62
LAUDATOR Temporis Acti, 227
Law as to Dog-Bites (The), 4
Leap Year Ball (A), 105
Letting the Cat Out, 205
Little Beauty and Much Beast (A), 24
MAKING an Impression, 33
Mater Pulchra, 158
M: D. and, D. D. (Or a Rude Reception),
* 151
" Meesilf For Iver," 190
Memo for Mr. Chaplin, 43
Merv.ellous Opportunity (A), 96
Mixed, 74
Monster I (The) 269
Municipal Industry, 192
NEW Year Allegories, i
No Hurry for a Day or Two, 127

No Man is an Antiquary in His Own
Country, 171
Not Exactly His Meaning, 212
Not Fair, 78
ONE Bright Side, 56
" Only Fancy!" 195
On Thespian Ground, 87
Optical Delusion, 61
PARTICULAR to a Shade, og09
"Phrases" of the Franchise Bill, 115
Physical Female Training, 40
Picture of Ireland Free (A), 201
"P'lice, Sir!' 215
Political Parrot (The), 169
Politician in Embryo (A), 83
Poor Mask (A). 85
Popular Estimation, 170
"Pot" Hat and the Flower-Pot (The), 191
Precarious Existence (A) 105
Putting a Little Life Into It, 63
RACEY Response (A), 259
Railway Incident (A), 253
Ready Reply (A), 31
Rival Butcher Boys (The), 173
Rcoting Out the Sentiment, 142
Saved Again, 150
Scruples and Drams, 125
Senators in Harness, 95
Serious Difficulty, 211
Short Cut (A), 1i9
Sketches at the Royal Academy, I., 196;
II., 206; III., 234
Sketches at the Very Royal Society of
Painters in Water Colours, 240
Sketches at the Equally Royal Society of
Painters in Water Colours, 241
(S)Old Tom, 51
Some Boat Race Mems., 139
Something to Fear, 179
Spirited Animal (A), 88
Studies for the Season (The), i6o
Such Delicate Darlings, 174
Suspicious Parcel (The), 116
THAT Most Enjoyable Sunday, 164
Thought Reading, 277
Tight Hold-'Arry on 'Orseback (A), 138
True Blue, 41
VALENTINE Visions, 66
Value of Sound Criticism, 14
" WALK-(H)ER," 278
Way to Govern Those Parts (The), 254
Weighty Argument (A), 29
Whitsuntide Wooing (A), 247
Widow Again (The), 161

" APRIL Fool's" Boat (The), 144
" By Your Leave," 46
"Dual Control;" or, The Egyptian Infant,
Driving His Team, 230
Dynamite Vermin (The), 255
Friendly Call (A), 79
Franchise Boat Race (The), 155
Franchise "Bill," 275
Gladstone is la Franchise, 265
Grand Twelfth Cake for the Million, 15
Half-Sovereign Trick (The), 197
High-Mettled Racer (The), 218
Led Astray, 165
Lament of the Aldermen (The), 175
March Winds, 120
May Day, 186
Old Style and New Style, 5
Our Mutual Friend, 90
Old Speaker and the New (The), xoi
Pulling Together: The Parliamentary
Cracker, 57
Questionable Intentions, 243
Suitors Popping the Questions to the
G. O. M., 68
Science versus Pluck, rxi
Tittivating the Khedive, 25
True Mahdi; or, Converting the Arabs
(The), 132 s
When Doctors Disagree--, 207

JANUARY 2, 1884.


TAP, tap, tapperty-tap, rang the clinking
music of a lady's high-heeled boots through
the marble halls of Mr. FUN; then, as a
pert little face suddenly peered through a
torn corner of a screen in the joke-distiller's
sanctum, the Jester's face beamed, and his
eyes twinkled while he asked its dainty
owner her pleasure.
I have called," she said, "on behalf
of the anxious ladies of London, to inquire
whether the report is true that you had a
serious explosion here last night."
"The report was both true and loud,"
answered Mr. FUN; "but the explosion
was not serious, being merely a jocular one.
A few comic retorts burst forth suddenly,
and the office boy was at once attacked with
"Poor lad !" cried the sympathetic
beauty. "But you treated him kindly?"
"Certainly, madam," answered the

manufacturer of wheezes. We promptly
strung him up by the heels to the gas-meter
till he sorted himself together. No pains
are spared, I assure you, in educating the
lad how to bear bravely the effects of any
concentrated jokes which happen to strike
him during his dangerous occupation."
"You are a kindly creature," sighed the
tender-hearted little damsel.
Thank you, mademoiselle, I am more
than that-I am the village Hampden, the
Oliver Cromwell, and the poet laureate of
comic literature rolled into one," said Mr.
FUN, modestly; "and at present I am en-
gaged in condensing, distilling, and making
a careful analysis of my new jokes, which
will soon gladden the hearts of the British
When, you darling frivolist ? "asked the
fair one. "When ?" retorted the com]
forter of the sad, why, in the




VOL. XXXIX,-NO. 973,



S- -----a -


JANUARY 2, 1884.

ERE we are again Such a lively
time we're having. (Happy New
Year to you!) New pieces all over
the place, and sometimes two or
three at a time. Well, the more
the merrier, let us hope!

At the Royalty The Three Hats
SI has been put on (that's perfectly
S\ grammatical, now, though it doesn't

management went to Bath-at
least it was first produced there
some little time ago. It isafarcical
I' piece of what has come to be
SI.' known as "the Criterion" order.
The first act is dull for about two-
THi ROYALTv- THE WiLv WIDOW thirds from the start, when it livens
(DRIVES HER SUITORS WILE!) up, and is very funny; the second
act is uproarious mirth throughout,
with a capital climax; the third act is, on the whole, tame (naturally so,
perhaps), but the piece finishes briskly enough. The female interest is
not strong, though some of the lines in the scene between the two ladies
in the last act are,

The acting is very excellent indeed. There is a deal ot strongly
appreciative skill in Mr. Robert Brough's portraiture of the apprehen-
sive husband-it is at once comic and natural; Mr. C. H. Stephenson
makes one young again with one of his comic Irishmen; Mr. Owen
Dove, one of the adaptors of the piece, is quaintly amusing as a re-
markable and
looking writ- 2 ,
Mr. Walter k .- : l

Everard, too, \ "
gives a touch- U
ing picture of
the mental I
distress con- .
sequent upon / I
rashly saving
the life of a \
fellow-crea- '
ture; and Mr.
Earle L.
new comer, HAT IT I
shows a quick
sense of character and a commendable sincerity of style. The ladies,
Mrs. Cecil, Miss T. Hastings, and Miss R. Blanchard, have no chance.
The Three Hats is preceded by Mr. Salaman's farce, Deceivers Ever, in
which Mr. F. Desmond now assumes the part of Wheezer very comically;
Miss Alexes Leighton looks very nice, and (knowing her part by this
time, probably) plays very nicely as Mrs. Temple, the fascinating widow.

The Crystal Palace pantomime, to which I made passing allusion last
week, will be found not to disappoint anticipation. Mr. Harris has
done all that elaborate scenery, pretty and tasteful dresses, and the
engagement of a clever company
could do to command success, and
S there is little doubt of his obtaining
.' \ it. The words" are, of course,
S entirely lost in so large an audi-
? torium; but the pantomimic antics
and clever singing of Mr. J. H.
S' Milburn as the ferocious hero do
not miss their mark, nor do Mr.
V .: D'Auban's agility and remarkable
d(lancing. Miss Emma D'Auban
makes a dashing Selim, and Miss
Annie Poole's singing is of superior
calibre, nor is she wanting in the
attractive appearance or the viva-
city ot manner necessary. An
Y. elaborate ballet-in which the
graceful MIle. Luna takes the chief
CRVSTAL PALACE.- SELIM, THE S(E)LIM place, and the amusingly clever
AND (NOT SO VERY) FAT-IMA. little children pupils of Mr.
D'Auban, in the prettiest costumes
of blue and white, go gravely through the evolutions usual on such occa-
sions,-is one of the chief attractions.

I suppose nobody is expected to care anything about theiece in which
Miss Lotta has made her first appearance in England, at the Opera
Comiq u e.
If so, expec-
station will
^. ^/ \not be dis-
S, and it is not
worth while,
perhaps, to
S, inquire into
the locale of
-,a story which
.< among other
ties, a baro-
net with
two young
persons strongly American in their accent and diction, all evidently
born there. It is an irreconcilable mixture of the wildest burlesque and
what seems to be the dismalest melodrama, only it's all sham, and
"things are not what they seem." But Miss Lotta is the point. Awk-
ward name, Miss Lotta; seems as if she had an elder sister. It ought
to be Lotta Aur et simple, or Miss Lotta Something, that is, if you care
twopence about euphony. But about her acting? Well, I like her.
She has her faults. As far as I can see she can't dance with any finish,
her singing is just respectable, and she has some objectionable bits of
action. Her Musette, moreover, in spite of her pleasant, romping,
hoydenish ways, lacks something
of reality; it is not so much a child
as a person of acute observation /
imitating a child-she 's too know-
ing. But in spite of this Miss Lotta 'il ,
(most awkward name!) is a tho- ( 'i
rough artist ; her queer antics, gri-
maces, twirls, and twists, her leaps i
and bounds, have some sort of *'I
meaning and reason in them. She /
has a very clear idea of light and r ..
shade, and good facial expression. i
I should like to see her in a real "
play. During several of the scenes -
between her and Mr. Howard ,-' '. j -
("specially engaged from Wal- -:a. ,-. -
lack's "), I kept wondering why r "__-
their faces were not blacked. Miss :;, t
Lotta was unfortunate in her re- VAUDEVILLE.-MISS DE WITT-PLEA-
ception. In presumable ignorance SANT ENOUGH DF WITTNESS.
of English canons of taste, she
sang a well-known revival hymn (a thing she should never have been
allowed to do), which, as might have been expected, was promptly hissed,
and a portion of the audience, after the manner of a portion of first night
audiences, having tasted blood, became unruly and foolish. The company
is very good, Miss F. Trevelyan giving a clever performance of an un-
pleasant part, interesting as a promising style in process of development.

The reaction has set in, and pantomime promises to be almost what
it ought to be this season. I haven't the space at command this week
to say all I think of the Drury Lane pantomime, but I hope to return
to the sub-
ject later on.
Meantime, I
.\V may say that
4' it is bound to
l prove a treat
S. for the "little
ones." The
main point,
to the proces-
.nsion of fairy
4 tales, is a
.. combination
of many ex-
cellences; it
is just the
dren's hearts
to the bottom. It is placed on the stage with unstinted liberality, beauty,
and taste : the costumes are delightful.

JANUARY 2, 1884. IF U N 3'I

Miss Emelie de Witt, who appeared as the heroine of Plot and Passion
at the Vaudeville the other morning, gave a by no means bad rendering
of the part. She has the advantage of looking the character, and of
possessing no radical defects; she, however, lacks grasp and depth, and
must learn a great deal before she can hope to cope satisfactorily with
such a character. Mr. Edward Sass (who has improved wonderfully of
late) well supported her as De Neuville. Mr. Barnat made a peculiar
Desmarets : he was apparently set upon a spiral wire spring, and was
altogether grotesque. NESTOR.

I DON'T see it," said Mrs. Blunderberry, rustling the newspaper as
she turned it inside out, and then peering in between the folded sheets as
if it were a peepshow. You say Mr. Gladstone has made Mr. Tenny-
son a baron, but I can't find any account of it."
You don't look in the right place, Mrs. Blunderberry," replied her
lord and master, with his mouth full; "try the births and deaths.
You'll find, Died on such a day, at his residence, Alfred Tennyson,
Poet Laureate; and then, a little higher up, Born, on such a date, at
such a place, the Baron What's-his-name Thingummy."
"That young person will come into the garden without twice asking,
now that he has been made a peer," said Mrs. Blunderberry, reflec-
And that, madam," cried her husband, that is your opinion of the
morality of the British girl Am I to understand, Mrs. B., that a
whistle and a coronet would tempt you from your husband's side to the
shadow of our solitary rose-bush? Do you wish me to believe that
music and a seat in the House of Lords is all that is requisite to lure
you from the breakfast-table to the garden gate ?" And Mr. Blunder-
berry pointed melodramatically with his fork to the butcher boy, who
was lounging along the pavement yelling a popular melody.
"No, Solomon, not me !-never! But girls are not what they
were twenty years ago." And Mrs. Blunderberry shook her head re-
proachfully at the kippered herring on her plate.
No, my dear, they are not. They are older-and uglier-and
stupider !" And then Mr. Blunderberry muttered something into his
egg, which it was just as well the wife of his bosom did not overhear.
Mrs. Blunderberry, cogitating deeply, gave her herring to the cat,
pushed back her chair from the table, and reflectively patted her fore-
head with the mustard-spoon.
"Solomon she cried with sudden vehemence.
Wow-ow-ow-what ? answered her husband, starting violently and
choking over his coffee.
"Is it too late ? Oh, Solomon are you too old to be a poet ?"
"Ha, ha no, ma'am, no Fetch out the fiery untamed Pegasus,
raise me a Parnassus by the side of the water-butt, buy me a shilling
rhyming dictionary, and twine the bays to deck my blushing brow."
"You can get the dictionary for ninepence, dear, in the City, and
there's plenty of twine and a strip of green baize upstairs in the lumber-
room ; but I don't know about the other things."
But why waste all these aids to poesy upon your unworthy husband,
Mrs. B. ? Are you not yourself an incarnate poem? You only want
a couple of rhymes at each end of you to be an original verse. You
would make a lovely sonnet if your feet were the right length, and--"
I must say, Mr. Blunderberry,"interrupted his good lady, "I think
it is a pity you should introduce vulgar personalities into your remarks,
and, after all, it isn't so much you being a poet as a peer that I care
about; and I'm sure I don't see why you shouldn't be both : you wrote
me some lovely poetry before we were married."
"Did I?" answered Mr. Blunderberry, as pleased as Punch, running
his hands through his hair and smiling complacently at his better half.
" Ah, yes-yes-I remember-a mere trifle-knocked off in half an
hour-but pretty-yes-it was a pretty idea."
"It was beautiful, Solomon !" said his wife solemnly and with great
emphasis ; "and I was thinking if you were to send it in a registered
letter to Mr. Gladstone, he 'd--"
He 'd send a coronet next day by Parcels Post, with his compliments.
I haven't a doubt about it. Lord Blunderberry, D'Acacia Vhila-that's
me, ma'am !"
o Perhaps he 'd only knight you," mused his better half; you've not
had so much practice as Mr. Tennyson."
More likely, Mrs. Blunderberry, he would reserve all the honours for
you," growled her husband. "If you had a string of middle-aged an-
cestors in armour, half a dozen murders, and a ghost in your family, he'd
make you a peeress in your own right. As it is, he will probably content
himself by gazetting you chief of the Female Intelligence Department."
With this parting sarcasm Mr. Blunderberry bolted from the room.
"I don't care what he says-they are very beautiful verses," sighed
Mrs. Blunderberry, taking a little packet, tied by a dirty white ribbon,
from her dress; "but he doesn't care for me now as he did when he
wrote them." And she dropped a tear or two upon the discoloured paper
and its faded ink as she drove the cat away from the milk-jug with her
disengaged hand.


A New Year's Motto.
THE poor old year has passed away,
The young year's with us blithe and gay;
There's but one motto for the day-
Make it up !
If friends-and friendship can't be bought-
Are severed by an angry thought,
The quarrel set aside as nought-
Make it up I
If he to whom you once sighed "yes,"
At draper's shop has made a mess
Of purchases ;-don't hate the dress-
Make it up I
If debtors clamour to your woe,
Objecting that your payment's slow
Of that amount you know you owe-
Make it up I
If laughing children claim their due,
Entreating for a tale that's new,
And you can't think of one that's true-
Make it up !
If quarrelling, in lovers' bliss,
When she said "that," you answered this,"
Remember now the New Year's kiss-
Make it up I
If time has stolen, unaware,
Your once luxuriant back hair,
And sallowed your complexion fair-
Make it up !
And should hard Fortune on you frown,
And ne'er success your efforts crown,
In other words, if luck is down-
Make it up I

I 4 ]


At Greenwich lately two dog-bite cases were heard. The bitings were proved; but as the plaintiffs in both cases were unable to prove that the dogs had Witten any
other yhrson, they were nonsuited.


-- -- -I ,! l vt--- l "1' N \\\ ni

"Leg of?" said Smith. "Yes-confounded dog just bit it oft. l'ou seem to have been in the wars too? "Yes," said Brown "a confounded dog made a set at
me too, and I fancy he's torn my clothes. Why, here comes Green-he's got a bit out of him too

I '-
I .- -
i I, ____-__ :

7 1 E-

II T tt Ii -I ----

"The fact of Robinson's dog having bitten all of us gives us a clear case against him," said the three victims; and they proceeded against Robinson.

I ,-. I

Robinson has a lot of other dogs.

1 4


7 U N ,-JANUARY 2, 1884.



"The child is father to the man."- Old Proverb.
(See Cartoon.)
FAREWELL, Eighteen Hundred and Eighty and Three!
Though gone from our sight,
On memory's wings we are sending to thee
A parting good night;
Thy pranks and thy progress we witness no more,
Because thou hast fled,
And now Eighteen Hundred and Eighty and Four
Is reigning instead.

Thus ever the laws of unchangeable change,
As cycles decay,
Mould them into friends who at first are but strange,
At last die away:
Thus summers and autumns and winters and springs
In turn come to view,
And that which is old, in the nature of things,
Yields place to the new.

Yet let us not hastily deem that the young,
So fresh and so bold,
At all points excels him from whom he has sprung,
The grey-bearded old;
There's room for improvement in each, 't is confess'd,
And, should it appear,
That's one step tow'rds what we're all wishing- id est,
A happy New Year!

JANUARY 2, 1884,


No, I. AIR-" I'll meet you when the sun goes down."
SH another year
has made a
oL start,
t 0 4 \Which reminds
us of our
For our hair,
''j which with
W ease we now
L I can part,
-, bits of grey
"___- among the

S- same old
4~~, A-trying to
II" amuse the
S -- At the same old
game we shall
aye be found,
And continue till the sun goes down.
For it 's oh it is so,
And week by week appearing,
We are ever persevering,
For it 's oh it is so,
We must never let the fun go down.
Oh! the Crown Prince went to see the Pope,
And his visit has received no frown ;
They were equally satisfied, let's hope ;
And we may let it settle down.
The Czar tumbled out of his royal sledge,
But we know he didn't crack his crown.
Some gruesome brutes keep shops, some allege,
Where they never let their girls sit down.
For it 's oh it is so,
I 'd like to get and chuck 'em
In a reservoir, and duck 'em.
For it's oh it is so,
How they'd shiver when the sun went down !
The Frenchman has "annexed Sontay,
Irrespective of the all-round frown ;
It's cost him a deal in a general way,
But he's taking son the in the town.
And Sarah B. takes a leaf from his book-
Takes a drawing-room as he would take a town.
Madame C. having made her small to look,
With a riding-whip she soon bore down.
For it's oh it is so,
There's a spirit of aggression
Holds the Frenchies in possession,
And it 's oh it is so,
They require a lot of taking down.
Oh, the brig Euphrates went ashore,
But nobody contrived to drown;
The Lisbon earthquake gave no more
Than a shake or two, and settled down ;
The G. 0. M. had a present fine,
Derby china of the kind called crown,"
And Barnum's white elephant cuts a shine,
And I 'm hoping that this song goes down.
For it 's oh it is so,
That while we earn our money
In a-trying to be funny,
For it's oh it is so,
We like to make our fun go down.

"RECRUITs are not eligible," says a daily paper, "if they have de-
fective back teeth." In that case, we presume, they are sent to(oth)
the right-about, though it seems rather hard on them, by gum !

(Latest Intelligence. France and Tothier/lace (any European nation).
From our Special Correspondent.)
CAPITAL OF TOTHERPLACE. The misunderstanding between France
and this country is likely to lead to consequences unpleasant for the
latter, as the French have threatened to send a representative-perhaps
even an ambassador-here, unless their demands are complied with.
The threat is causing the utmost consternation among the populace,
who are eagerly buying ammonia, caustic, and other remedies to hold
in readiness against contingencies. Pressure is being put upon the
Government to give France all she asks in order to avert the evil. .
The difference between this country and France cannot be patched up,
and the French representative is on his way. It is rumoured that he is an
ambassador, which provokes the utmost consternation, as it is generally
believed that an ambassador's bite is much worse than an envoy's. A
fence is being erected all along the frontier to keep the avenger out, and
the greatest precautions are taken to insure the safety of the populace.
Ammonia, caustic, and other preventive are being served out at the
public dispensaries. The greatest dread and uneasiness prevail. .
The French ambassador has got in, in spite of all precautions, and is
rushing wildly up and down the streets of the capital. A proclamation
has been issued, commanding everybody to remain indoors. A large
body of police, dressed in leather as a defence against bites, are endea-
vouring to capture the French ambassador, whose symptoms are most
The French ambassador has caught and bitten a small boy who incau-
tiously strayed into the streets. Ammonia was immediately applied to
the wounded part, but the boy's case is looked upon as hopeless. .
The police have happily succeeded in capturing the French ambassa-
dor, but the plucky officer who felled him was badly bitten in several
places. The ambassador has been returned to France, carefully packed
in a strait waistcoat. His language was horrible in the extreme.
Seventeen persons in all have been bitten.

PARIS.-M1fonday.- The misunderstanding between Madame Lune
and Mlle. Lautre has assumed threatening aspects. All the male rela-
tives of Madame Lune in Paris held a meeting to decide upon a plan
of revenge upon Mlle. Lautre, and it was at once decided that the
whole body should call upon the lady and thrash her with a stick. On
further consideration, however, it was considered more prudent to wait
for reinforcements, as the fifty-nine gentlemen present were decided to
be too few in number to attempt the task single-handed; and it was
therefore decided to invite all Madame Lune's country cousins to join
in the enterprise. The meeting was a somewhat excited one, all the
speakers speaking at once and foaming at the mouth, while forty-four
of them were carried out in a fit, and the rest clawed out their hair by
the roots, and otherwise damaged themselves. Their howls and exe-
crations kept Paris awake during the night.
Tuesday.-The country cousins having arrived in large numbers, the
whole body proceeded to the house of Mlle. Lautre, and simultaneously
pulled her nose, howling the most fearful epithets. All have since had
fits, and one hundred and seven of them have had to be chained down.
Wednesday. -In consequence of the Lune-Lautre affair, two thousand
seven hundred and twenty-nine duels are arranged for next Sunday.
The distance is to be twelve thousand paces, and the weapons wooden
guns constructed to throw a small stick fully ten feet. The relatives of
Madame Lune have written to the Singe, declaring the relatives ot
Mlle. Lautre to be humpbacked body-snatching vampires; while the
relatives of Mlle. Lautre, in the columns of the Potence, described the
relatives of Madame Lune as bloodstained, spindle-shanked, carrion

Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
DON'T dew things that everibuddy else kan, but orlwais be trien to
dew sum thing which nobuddy else kan dew.
Another thing is, be reverlushenery if yew like, but be praktickle.
Tri to impress yewr personality on people, be az obstenate as a mewl,
az swave as a pot of kreme, az pugnashus as a spider, az industrus az
an ant, as argumentative as a republiken, or az obdurate as a Feeniun,
but hev a persunaliti and a traid mark. Remember yew can't help
making enemes, for tew be frens with awl in the universe, yew wood
have to no every man and woman in it. If yew air pure yew will lie
dizpized; if competent yew will be neglekted ; and if rich yew will be
envied. Remember that if idleness hed been yewr lot, yew wood either
been a grammivveres or a carniverous annimel-the fakt of yewr being
neither shows yew waire maid tew wurk or starve.
Don't taik credit to yewrself for ben grateful ; if yew were trooly
grateful yew wood be going doun on yewr hans and nees orl day and
nite. Never lament over a lost change, there are a serten number of
oppertoonities in orl of our lives we miss.

8 FI U N JANUARY 2, 1884.

To VISIT all the theatres of course you will be set upon,
So Mr. FUN his Pegasus immejutly will get upon,
And tell you how in swallowtail and choker he will swell about,
Examining the pieces which he 'll be compelled to tell about.
There's first of all Her Majesty's has put on the abiding hood
That covers up the story of the wolf and small Red Riding-Hood;
They 've put it on with brilliance, determined not to scant a mime,
Reviving all the glories of the elder time of pantomime.
But Drury Lane will run them hard, and look around with a sweller
For Cinderella shows itself the height of Cinder-ellergance;
Don't talk to me of pantomimes, and spectacles, and Paris's,
'T will take a lot of doing to eclipse Augustus Harris's.
At Covent Garden pantomime will yield to things more "properer,"
They mean to have a season of the better English operer ;
The folks at the Princess's are contented with their Claudian,
For people keep on booking, and a-crowding, and applaudian.
Lords and Commons, at the Haymarket, still constitutes the pabulum
(Derived from Swedishfabula, or, if you wish it, fabulum);
Pygmalion and Galatea up at the Lyceum is,-
The very best advice that we can give to go and see 'em is.
In the Ranks, at the Adelphi, for a prosperous career fully
Decided at the outset, and it now pursues it cheerfully ;
The Strand the Compton Company at present holds possession of,
And ancient English comedy are giving us a session of.
And then we just may indicate to laughter-loving laity,
They have a new burlesque in hand at present at the Gaiety,
A-chaffing Mary Anderson and Gilbert with severity,
And setting parties laughing with its humour and temerity.
The Vaudeville and Company excessively amusion is,
It's where that very comical arrangement called Confusion is ;
A laugh may be considered one of Nature's great felicities-
Vou '11 nearly die of laughter at that piece's eccentricities.
But if it's hearty laughter your determined aim you set it at,
Why, Mr. Toole's establishment's the safest place to get it at ;
Where Law's A Mint of Money, and Paw C a.' ..* a, and -,' Dora is,
And each poor individual a writhing, shrieking roara is.
Then Falka, at the Comedy, will have a full attractiveness-
To get a decent seat in time will need a lot of activeness ;
Three Hats is at the Royalty, to pass your time amusingly;
The Crimes of Paris show at the Olympic quite confusingly.
The Millionaire is at the Court, and still continues prosperous;
The Golden Ring shows fairies fair and demons breathing phosphorus;
The Savoy, and Zolanthe no longer I confess is there,
For the story after Tennyson, entitled The Princess, is there.
You '11 notice the St. James's on the old revival caper is,
For there you '11 find that clever play they call The Scrap oj Paper is;
The Glass of Fashion, in whose praise J. Hollingshead 's a dinner, oh!
Passes away in favour of a comedy by Pinero.
Located at the O.Comique the celebrated Lotta is :
She just the sort of subject for a sketch in terra cotta is-
She's neat, and small, and nice and round, a "pleasing us a handle"
And just the sort of dot with which to ornament a mantelpiece.
La Vie is at the Avenue, made Christmassy and season'ble,
Its powers of giving pleasure are quite reasonably reasonable,
They say it's quite as funny as an ordinary serial;
And they say they've got a pantomime at harpyland Imperial.
At all the minor theatres they scorn awhile the ranty mine,
And go in for the glories of a seasonable panty-mine:
There's Yack who sowed the Beanstalk, if I rightly understand, '11 be
Discovered out at Islington, and grandly at the Grand 'll be.
The Surrey shows us Jack and 7ill, with all its wonted brilliancy
Of dresses, pantomimists, and the witty lines' scintill'ancy;
Queen Dodo (the Britannia) is one in half a million,
And Sailor called the Szndbad shows himself at the Pavilion.
The Elephant and Castle with its pantomime quite pat it is,
The famous Richard :l .- -, ; connected with his Cat it is;
The Standard for its pantomime old Puss in Boots has got of 'em,
And that, I may reveal to you, is just about the lot of 'em.

S- ,i , ',i .: ,- ...':- i -'

WE read that, at the Mansion House meeting in connection with the
proposal to apply the "Beaumont Trust" to the purposes of a Winter
Garden, and so forth, for the poor of East London, Mr. Richie expressed
his hopes of seeing "whole families sitting in the open air in a pleasant
garden, listening to good music."
We are further informed that, on its subsequently occurring to Mr.
Richie that the success of the scheme might possibly depend to some
extent upon conditions beyond the control of the committee, a deputa-
tion was instructed to wait upon the Right Hon. Aquarius, Chief Secre-
tary for Pluvial Phenomena. We may state that the right hon. gentle-
man referred to was appointed some years ago to the control of the
whole cycle of the months, a post which he has continued to fill with
energy and constant attention to his particular line of business.
Having been ushered into the presence of the right hon. gentleman,
the deputation explained that its object was, "while fully recognizing
the benefits conferred upon agriculture by an adequate supply of mois-
ture, to submit to his notice the advantages likely to accrue to the fre-
quenters of a pleasant garden' from an occasional change from the
prevailing unpropitious attitude of the meteorological phenomena."
THE RIGHT HON. AQUARIUS, having heard the remarks of the de-
putation with much attention, replied that, while sympathizing most
cordially with the object in view, he was powerless to make any impor-
tant change, owing to a certain quantity of rain being served out to him,
with instructions to get rid of it somehow during the year. He would,
however, lay the representations of the deputation before the Govern-
ment. As to the other phenomena, they were not in his department;
but no doubt if they applied to the Right Hon. Boreas, Secretary
A MEMBER OF THE DEPUTATION. "We don't care to beard him;
be's so violent."
The deputation then thanked the right hon. gentleman for his courtesy,
and withdrew.

On the second reading of the Bill for Reducing the Supplies of Rain
and Wind-
THE MEMBER FOR MARCH (MR. ARIES), who introduced the Bill,
severely criticized the expenditure of the Government in rain and wind.
When he was in office, a very long time ago, the month he represented
used to be dry. (Cries of "Choked with dust !" and Everything
parched up!" from behind the Treasury benches.) The plea that the
Government had so much rain, and must do something with it, was
sheer nonsense. The fact was, they were incessantly drawing it up
from the sea--
Yes-to rob me! (Cries of "Order," and "Name.")
pass over with contempt the remarks of the hon. Member for Pontus.
Irresponsible frivolity, in pursuit of a fad, is apt to forget the interests
of the vast army of agriculturists. There are innumerable complaints
from the farming interest of the insufficiency of the rain supply--
A MEMBER. Only from Farmer Sandysoil. Farmer Loamacres and
Farmer Claylands are swamped out.
THE PRIME MINISTER. Winter gardens are a ridiculous fad, and
people have no business to sit in the fresh air. It is a scientific fact that
sunshine is most deleterious to-
calumny I will not sit and listen to- (great confusion).
After further heated discussion the Bill was thrown out by a large
majority, and the weather will therefore continue much the same as
ever. We should advise Mr. Richie to make inquiries as to the
probable cost of roofing over his winter garden, and refusing admission
to all open air in an unsophisticated condition. All the same, we
are glad to read of the charitable proposal for benefiting the East-end

TANUARY 2, 1884. FUN. 9

In the First Week.
HEIGHO here it's rounded,
The circle again;
Another knell sounded,
Another chance slain;
I dozed in a dream all
The last wrong year through :
This one shall redeem all-
Be really New.
On Monday, despising
The poppies' sloth tricks,
I'll start early rising
At something to six;
And Tuesday (some debtors
Would make of them spills),
I '11 sort all my letters,
And pay all my bills.
On Wednesday, tiring
My limbs in the strain,
And vastly perspiring,
I '11 catch the last train !
On Thursday, though loudly
Invited to pass
"Just an hour," I'll proudly
Stop at the third glass.
On Friday, a moral,
Re-dawning of life:
I won't have a quarrel-
Though wrong-with my wife.
And Saturday,-fPaters
Admiringly shout!-
In pe-ram-bu-la-tors
I '11 take the bairns out.
And Sunday, the sermon,
By Drydust, D.D.,
A long 'un, a firm 'un,
I'll ponder till tea.
And then, vague doubts hover
About my bad brain-
The same Old Year over ALMOST A "GONER!"
I'll begin again. Swell Cad (condescendingly).-" Now, REALLY, TOTTIE, YOU DO LCOK

"IT was stated at the half-yearly meeting of the Chelsea Waterworks A Notion to be borne in Mind.
Company that the directors had determined loyally to accept the deci- THE benevolence and philanthropy of Yuletide are now matters of the
sion in the Dobbs case- By Jove Three cheers for the noble past. The younger brother no longer uses the best hollow-ground razor
directors Here's a comforting contrast to the grasping sordidness of belonging to his eldest fraternal relation to open oysters with. No, a
the other water directors Then there is some little principle-some gentle calm pervades society. All is peace-perhaps because plenty
little exception to the general worldliness and sharp practice-still left in has departed ; so let us all try to cultivate cheerfulness during the New
this mean--Eh? Why, here's a further bit of that paragraph which Year," hoping for the best, but being prepared for the worst," especially
we were going to overlook: "which, it was believed, would not mate- when buying Cadbury's Cocoa and chocolate by merrily, happily, and
really diminish the income of the concern." Oo-o-h that takes a little pungently speaking our minds when adulterated spurious trash is
bit of the gilt off, and seems somehow to discount the value of the "loyal attempted to e palmed off on us instead of Cadury's genuine articles-
acceptation," considered as a virtue. Meanwhile, it's always graceful wholesome, stimulating, and nutritious as any similar productions by the
to "loyally accept" the state of affairs-when you can't help yourself. best chocolate and cocoa, old or modern masters.

SEVEN men-eh? there's evidently an error in their description-have
been convicted by the Arundel bench of magistrates, at the instance of Clerkenwell Vestry again.
the Soc. for the Prev. of Cruelty to Animals, for chasing a strayed deer AT the meeting of the Clerkenwell Vestry the other day, one of the
for a long distance, beating and throwing stones and other missiles at it. members called Mr. Goad (another member) "a thorough old rascal."
On being rescued the deer was found to be horribly mutilated-according It is very wrong to Goad a man to fury by such an assertion. The
to one account, among other things, both its eyes being knocked out- vestry will hardly Go(ad) down to posterity as a peace-loving band if it
so the magistrates thwarted the efforts of the best charity in existence, indulge in such unparliamentary language. It would seem, from the
the S. P. C. A., by letting off the convicted vermin with a fine of" nearly published reports of the general squabble that ensued, that a suitable
ten pounds" among the seven. When one reads this kind of thing one carol for the Clerkenwell Vestry would be "We are a merry family."
feels almost inclined to lump all one's Christmas donations into the
Cruelty to Animals Prevention Society, to the exclusion of all assistance
to the genus to which the Arundel vermin are supposed to belong! Wynne-some.
FIVE thousand poor and invalid people in the coal mining district of
HAVING missed every bird during a day's shooting in Blankshire, a Ruabon, in North Wales, were provided with Christmas dinners by Sir
youthful and desponding sportsman came to the conclusion that his Watkin Williams-Wynne. This is a sure and sensible way of Wynne-
cartridges had frozen, so he placed them in the kitchen fender to thaw, ing the affections of one's fellow-men. And what a Wynne(d)-fall it
and watched the result anxiously; several reports shortly after concerned must have been to the poor creatures I
him,-one was that he would spend his holidays in bed.
MEM.-The Premier has received his porcelain, but the other China
NOT always an Unpleasant "Snack."-A fish "snack." question still remains in satui quo.

To CORRESPONp;Ts,-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

10 TJ'N JANUARY 2, I884.

Arizona John. I--- ', '
WHEN in a situation it always pays the best
To have your wits about you, for it helps the interest; I "-- -
And a man gets so encouraged by succeedin' when he tries, -- -
That the more you crowd him downward, the more he's "
bound to rise. '. _,
As when near Tres Alamos, while working' at his mine, f. -"
John Lyons, late of Tombstone, without the least design ..,, J
To involve himself whatever in any kind of tricks, .I .
Got inside an unprovided and a most unpleasant fix. -
John Lyons, late of Tombstone, had just put in a blast,
When he saw four buck Apaches approximation' fast
Upon their headlong horses in a rackaloose career,
And every one preceded by a long projectin' spear.
He had planted all the powder, and was just atop the shaft, .
While the foemen kept a-comin' like as they was telegraph;
To run was to be taken, and to stay was to be slew-
And in such a situation how-whatever could he do? I,
Bein' quick upon the trigger, Lyons did not stop to choose, I .
For a match was in his fingers, so he lighted up the fuse,
And dropped behind a boulder to disabuse their aim,
When at him like a sheriff's writ full dig the Injuns came. t
He had timed the fuse so nicely that the 'Paches reached the
Exactly at the nick of the explosionary shock :
Bang! How the big rock busted as the powder gave a flare! .
While a rain of stones and gravel went a-thunderin' through
the air. .
It was four red Apaches who also had a rise, ." ''** '". '
And started for the hunting-grounds on horseback thro' the '
skies; ,.r. &
Or as if they had the notion, but recalled it there and then,
For they speedily descended as four non-existent men. .
John Lyons, late of Tombstone, just down behind his rock, -. :' n
Escaped the influential effect of such a shock; ,, '
And examinin' the prospect, he very plainly sees \f-/.-f He has worked the blast quite perfect-likewise slammed CO VERT SARCAS M.
his enemies. COVERT SARCASM.
Lady Vi. Dernon (rather given to flirting).-" Do YOU BELIEVE, CAP-
When narratin' the adventure which I've chanted in my song, TAIN, THAT FOXES ENJOY BEING HUNTED ?"
If he terms them blasted Injuns" no one calls his language The Captain (one of her Victims).-" CAN'T SAY, I'M SURE, LADY
For their hopes were surely blasted which they fondly Lady Vi.-" OH, IMMENSELY SUCH FUN, YOU KNOW, TO SEE
And with patent giant-powder by this Arizona John. [" Just like the arrant little flirt," said the Captain afterwards.

NEW LEAVES. "Where to Dine" (H. Vickers).-This useful book may be com-
"Il Matrimonio Segreto," by D. Cimaroso (Ricordi).-This is one of mended to the consideration of all who are desirous of knowing "where
the series of M. Ricordi's "cheap editions of complete operas." to dine" in London.
theBouvardia Waltz," by Robert Coverley (J. B. Cramer and Co.)- "Wild' Fowler's Dog-breaking" (Illustrated Sporting Times).-This
We say 't is well marked and well timed, charming Cover(ley), and we book is full of valuable advice and instruction on the subject of break-
don't tell a Cram-erd and well timed, charming Cverley, and we ing" sporting dogs, by one who evidently thoroughly understands it.
"Dont," by Censor (Field and Tuer), is another of the vellum-parch- "Shoddyville," by Paladin (Kirby and Endean), is a social and politi-
ment shilling series. This is an amusing book to read; some of the cal satire, and is sufficiently well written to be well understood.
advice given is sure to be serviceable; but as to following it all implicitly,
we say emphatically "Don't." Oh, Lawes !
"Henry Irving, Actor and Manager," by "An Irvingite" (George THE Rev. W. G. Lawes, a missionary in New Guinea, says that
Routledge and Sons). -This is professedly an answer to Mr. Archer's certain adventurers in that region have been purchasing land at one
"Critical Study, published by Messrs. Field and Tuer a short time penny an acre. This is indeed "dirt-cheap; we would not mind buying
ago. The arguments are before the public, and which is right-Mr. sixpennyworth ourselves, if times were not so hard. The very thought
Archer or the Irvingite "-is a question their readers will decide for of losing such a chance makes one feel quite acre-imonious.
themselves. There will be divergence of opinion-six on one side, per-
haps, and half a dozen on the other. THE Government is at the present time all eyes-Franch-ise.

Cadbury s
Cocoa thickens In the
cup, It proves the ad-
dltion of Starch., a L n poIn s
PURElll SOLUBLEIlli REFRESHINg1lll ssps.. ,. a.a,s.........A,..

London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 2nd, 1884.

JANUARY 9, 1884. FTJol II


LA -.I

SOME New Year figures here are seen: For Beauty, there's the ball-room belle; For archness and bright winning gi ace,
First France, whose love for China's warm- For Brain, observe the "masher" wise; Our artist draws four New Year's cards;
That's Peace; while Industry, I ween, For Temperance, behold the swell; Each little maiden's lovely face
Is shown by yon old lady's "form." "New Leaves the savant typifies., Would win men's hearts-they've wonyour bard's.

VOL. xxxIx.-NO. 974.

12 FU N JANUARY 9, 1884.

To return to the Fairy and Nursery Tales Procession at Drury
Lane and its beautiful dresses. There is a set of armour in white and
silver which is a triumph of originality, simplicity, and effect; a set
S .... __-.--- -. --- of H olbeinesque page dresses,
too, are extremely pretty-buit I
mustn't go into details, or I shall
S ''.' neverstop; the scene, moreover,
is apiece of stage management for
J;. which Mr. Charles Harris deserves
at least the putty medal of past-
mastership ; nor does this exhaust
its merits : obviously an immense
amount of thought has been ex-
pended over it-witness such little
S' touches as the half-hatched chicken
in the Humpty-Dumpty egg-and
several of the exponents of the
fairy tale characters display an ex-
cellence of pantomime acting in
its widest sense (I may, perhaps,
without invidiousness, select the
Dm v LAN.-PASTOUR-EL.LE AND young lady who personates Dick
CINDER-ELLER. Whittington as an instance) which
gives a spirit of thoroughness to a scene which, finishing with the entry
of Cinderella in her pretty coach and six, tiny footmen, coachmen,
pages, Shetland ponies, and all complete, has beauty enough and in-
terest enough to stir even some of we elders who have not quite forgotten
the days when we lived in the delightful world of fairy lore. There is
more in Mr. Harris's pantomime than this scene, however; in a very
beautifully painted woodland glade, for which we have to thank Mr.
H. Emden, occurs a real old-fashioned ballet with wreaths and gar-
lands, in moonlight; dawn comes, the fairies retire, and suddenly the
stage is filled with a
brilliant crowd of fox- I P, .
hunters a capital | ', ', ,
effect. Then there i'
is a comical "cat '*
catrille" by the Rosa
Troupe, the graceful ;:' 1
performance of./Enea, i.
and a sort of ballet 0 '
transformation scene .r
of a novel kind, and
when it is added that
thestoryiskept clearly ,
in view throughout,
nothing more need be '
said to prove that Mr.
Harris has well pro-
duced a thoroughly DRURY LANE.-AMPLa PROTECTION
good pantomime, and
made ample amends for last year's shortcomings. Mr. Harry Payne is
the clown, and they tell me the harlequinade goes merrily enough now;
it was scarcely so on Boxing Night, and-I don't like all those ad-

The company of principals is first-rate; just a nice compact company,
enough for what is wanted, and not a strag-
gling ha'porth over. Miss Kate Vaughan
embodies the heroine with all the grace and
daintiness she has accustomed us to. I'd no
idea her singing voice was such a good one
either until I heard it under the test of this
1 large house. The dry humour of Mr. Harry
Nicholls, and the determined, not-going-to-
stand-any-nonsense fun ofMr. Herbert Camp-
I bell, as the two Sisters, is first-rate panto-
mimic work (in its modern sense). Miss
Mario is every inch a Prince, and her sister
every inch-stop! on second thoughts, that
is not saying much-Miss Dot Mario cannot
4 boast much in the way of inches, but she is
very neat, and pleasant, and quaint, and a
DA: dainty dancer. Mr. Reuben Inch, who plays
Disutriv LANE. ELECTRA, the King, is "every Inch "- no! stop
A Sicwrcut OF AN ELECTRA- again! Mr. Harris, with his usual enter-
TYPE. prise, has forestalled that joke by embodying
it in his "Book of the Play." Never mind,
several thousands of us made it as soon as ever we knew the sometime
Grecian actor was to play the part. By the way, have you noticed how
"Grecian" the present Drury Lane company is? Just run your eye
down the cast: Parker, Inch, Miss Victor, Nicholls, Campbell, Miss

Vaughan, all, all "came over with the Conquest." But why descant
upon the individual merits of such panto-
I i "... '" ,' mimists as the genial Harry Parker, the inex-
l .'I ',, I" legged Fred Storey, and the clever vocalist,
SMiss Kate Sullivan (was it her name, I won-
der, that first suggested her appearance as a
.", }.. l fairy queen of the W. S. Gilbert school)?
^ .i" '. Mlle. zEnea, in her graceful flying act, and
S-'' Mlle. Palladino, must not be forgotten, or Mr.
Geo. Lupino, a first-rate young pantomimist;
but the moral of it all is, go and see Mr.
Harris's pantomime; the fun is not uproarious,
/' 1 but there's plenty, and it's a real children's
., ,;' piece.
S.- The International Theatre, High Holborn,
Sr '- .' has opened with one of those curiously incon-
DruRY LANE.-A CASE OF sequent and motiveless melodramas in which
"Tors" AND TOP-HEAVY. most of the good people are incomprehensible
imbeciles, and most of the wicked ones feeble-
minded scheme-makers of phenomenal luck. Its title is Mizpah. No
actor or actress can expect to shine in such a production; but Miss
Agnes Thomas, Mr. G. Canninge, and Mr. J. H. Darnley, give a fair
account of themselves.

Her Majesty's is another house with a pantomime ot the right sort.
Dear, dear how it carries one back to see Mr. Fred Vokes (one of the
earliest of the grotesque twisters of thin black legs, who have since so
grown among us) and his merry sisters! And how Miss Jessie has
grown! Ay, ay, here they are !
Here's Miss Victoria, merry-eyed wo
and "merry-smiled" as of yore,
full of tomboy spirits, and an evi- L--
dent personal enjoyment, which is I
contagious. Here's the before-
mentioned Miss Jessie, lightest and .-
neatest of "footers ;" and here 's
the redoubtable Fred, covering
miles of ground with his endless I
legs, and waving them gaily over
his sisters' heads, all, all as it was
in the days when we were young-
at least, a dozen years ago But
Time, who in kicking up his capers
has danced a thin place in the car-
peting of the writer's head, has '-
not spared even the Vokes Family. "
Miss Rosina has gone, and so has HER MAJESTY'S.BLUE-BOY ATTITUDI.
Fawdon. Well, well, we mustn't NODS AND RosiE PosE-Y.
complain we have Mrs. Fred in
their place, and that is something. Mr. Leader's pantomime has other
attractions, though. The Blue-Boys, Rosie-Posies, and Johnny Stouts
are all first-rate, and the latter very funny. There is a good and well-
thought-out Ballet of the Seasons (although the children's dresses might
fit better, and their wearers be "made up" a little), and the principal
dancer, Mile. Sampietro, is one of the best I've seen-this, with a full
recollection of the wonderful Henriette d'Or. Her satellites, the Robins,
though but too obviously suggested by the Swallow Ballet," do their
work gracefully and with some character. I don't think much of the
mechanical change; it is a creaky and rather clumsy-looking affair (it is
not really so),
scenes are
The cast
further in-
cludes Mr.
James T.
Powers (a
quantly co-
mical panto-
mimist of
ability, whom
you may remember as a member of the Willie Edouin troupe, recently
at the Avenue), Mr. T. F. Nye, Miss Julia Seaman, Miss Marie Wil.
liams, Miss Clara Jecks, and Miss Emily Miller, all of whom, except
the first, have little to do, and do it extremely well. Mr. C. Otley

JANUARY 9, 1884. FUN. 13

plays the wicked King Kantankeros with some ability, but I don't like NEW LEAVES.
his comic song. Woods ana Forests.-This, being a new weekly journal of forestry,
ornamental planting, and estate management, is far from being a
The late Mr. Dutton Cook's last work, On the Stage," upon which weakly" plant. It seems destined to take root, grow up, and flourish.
he was engaged at the time of his lamented death, has been passed for The Theatre contains excellent photo-portraits of Miss Mary Ander-
the press by his friend, Mr. Moy Thomas, and is now published. It son and Mr. Henry Irving (there must be a thousand and one portraits
hardly needs me to say that Mr. Cook had peculiar qualifications for the of Irving), the latter accompanied by some interesting extracts from
production of such a work, and, apart from the mournful interest it will Mr. Austin Brereton's "Biographical Sketch." The other contents
have for his friends, it will prove as interesting and valuable to the are of the usual varied character.
theatrical student as the same author's companion work, "A Book of The Leisure Hour.-This month has a charming coloured frontis-
the Play." piece, "The Professor's Class," by R. Caldecott. Very humorous and
clever. The Sundav at Home has for frontispiece a very pleasing picture
The late Tom Taylor's play, The Serf, has so much that is dramatic in colours, No Place like Home," after Birket Foster. The Boy's
in it that the wonder is it has not been revived long ago by one or other Own Paper has a coloured page, Our Crowns and Coronets ;" valu-
of those managers who are thrown into despair by the "plentiful lack able for reference ; and The Girl's Own Paper has a picture, The
of good romantic plays of which they complain. This, by the way. Mr. Girl's Own Carol," which is simply a gem.
C. W. Spencer, who essayed the chief part in this piece the other morning "John Bull and his Island," by Max O'Rell (Field and Tuer).-
at the Gaiety, displayed considerably more than ordinary fitness for the Much has been justly said in favour of this clever, humorous, and
task he had set himself. A slight deficiency in the management of his quietly satirical, but withal truthful book, which we have no wish to
voice was the only serious fault I was able to find with him, save such gainsay; but, given an author, say English or American, of equal in-
as a little experience will soon eradicate. He has a manly style, com- telligence with Max O'Rell, a ten years' residence in Paris, rates and
mand of pathos (a little undeveloped, perhaps), and a sense of propor- taxes "paid like a man "-setting aside colds and sore throats-and we
tion and humour rather unusual in a comparative novice (I believe Mr. think as much might be written of La Belle France."
Spencer's experience has been confined to one engagement at the Grand, "Rigmarole Charades in Doggerel Rhymes," by Stephen Pyc (E.
Islington). He, moreover, has the sovereign merit of never indulging Tellier, Paris).-This ought to be a welcome book for winter nights.
in violent elocution-all this, of course, without that roundness and The Charades will be fine Pye for the young ones.
finish which only experience can give. Six months under a good "Whitaker's Almanac" (Whitaker).-Every year's issue of this un-
manager would do much to develop the powers of an actor of the Henry rivalled almanac possesses the rare merit of being better than the last.
Neville type-a school in which there are no very promising acolytes at "Heroes of the Hearth "-A Chistmas Annual (W. H. Guest)-
present. Mr. Spencer was well supported by Mr. Beveridge as the ob- contains a dozen (thirteen to the dozen) pleasingly told stories by as
jectionable Russian, and Mrs. Macklin (a very clever lady whom I, for many different, but not indifferent, authors.
one, should like to see oftener). Mr. Stephenson made a good old Khor. "A Ghostly Annual" (H. Vickers).-What is "The Truth about
NESTOR. Ghosts" ? We give it up.

"Cold" Comfort.
"When one thinks he has 'sat in a draught and caught cold,'heshould
quickly put on his hat and take a rapid walk or run. The aim must be,
not to warm, but to revive energy. And the man who carries a
snuff-box, and uses it at once, may generally feel safe."-Dr. Mortimer
Granville on Colds" in Daily Paper.
IN this caution of a climate
Often we behold
Folks, from peasant up to primate,
Prone to "taking cold."
Hoarseness, "stuffiness," and wheezing,
Noses red and sore,
Are matters that are most unpleasing,
Not to say a "bore."
But, it seems, you 're safe enough
If you take a pinch of snuff!
The notion is a smart M.D.'s one,
Late of nightcap fame-
His nightcap notion scarce would please one,-
This is less to blame.
Speaking of our climate cruel,
He would fain disclose
That there's no need for grog or gruel,
Or the tallowed nose.
Stimulants, he says, are "stuff,"-
Simply take a pinch of snuff I
When you first begin to shiver
Through a sudden chill,
When "nerve-centres" jar and quiver
(As they sometimes will),
Then, to aid your circulation,
Jump about, or run;
If you cultivate stagnation
Mischief may be done.
Just a trot is "quantum suff."
Added to a pinch of snuff!
Lo! he who nightcaps said were handy
On our slumbering pates,
"Nightcaps" such as rum or brandy
Strongly deprecates.
Then let the rappee pass round daily
When your friends you meet;
On through life let's travel gaily
Sneezing through the street.
Henceforth he will be a muff
Who neglects his pinch of snuff !

Elderly Gent (who wants to go to Cheapside).-" I BEG PARBON, BUT CANj
Mrs. Goodolesort (who has just purchased a Chicken from adjacent shop).-

I4 FUN JANUARY 9, 1884.


,I( OF

THERE are no more discriminating ini --f t-iiat than Joe and Gus, always to be seen hob nobbing together between the three glasses of milk and the seven-fly
bun. Joe is comic portraitist to the if.. ,* and the Geezer's Annual; while Gus does dramatic criticisms for the Tic, a theatrical paper which changes
its proprietor once a month, and can never find its cash-box, dear boy.

.-_, -- I-- I i --

"U.,k ,.'' .i.: .t,. p',r, happening one day upon a copy of the tklee/ly V/weze; here's a portrait of Gus The Man of the Ape signed Joe I expect
Gus must be some really celebrateHdipersn. .How ignorantI must be not to know who Gus is I .must really inquire about Gus, 'The Mam ot the Age I..... Lor! "
pnde the Public; y I see in this notice, signed 'Gus, in the Tic, that nobody can draw nowadays but Joe and here I've been ignorant enough to buy
Caldecott, and Baxter, and Du Maurier, and all those. Must really throw 'em away, and get Joe."

,' v -u. l,0
A, / '.":"-".'l:- ,'- ,'.^ 1 ^... I ..... .. ^ **! :

So off go the Public to Miss Fame, to ask about Gus and Joe. And Miss F. says, says she: "Eh? Never hean, j C
young lady at the other counter." 1. .

F I TTN -JANUARY 9, 1884.


* ..
%. .'




(See Cartoon.)
BRITANNIA, whose frequent thought
Is tending to some welcome hearty,
Just now begins to think she ought
To give a Parliament'ry party,
And would not have it come to nought.
Wherefore she seeks her faithful Cook,
Who takes the hand that's callPd the "upper,"
And bids him get, by hook or crook,
A something downright nice for supper,
Or else he may be brought to book.
Then he, as anxious for her sake
As for his own, and ne'er a sloven,
Suggests that he should straightway bake
(To please the infants) in his oven
A rich and toothsome Twelfth-Night cake.
And sure enough he sets about
His work with skill, most deftly mixing
Ingredients, and-not without
Iced sugar ornaments affixing,-
A very pretty cake turns out.
Says he, Pray, madam, calm your fears,
And stay your mind from perturbation;
The currants they '11 pick out with cheers,
And hail it's banner'd decoration:
I specs 't will suit the little dears !"

JANUARY 9, 1884. FU N 17

No. 2. AIR-" Lots of Love for b

"A i 4 .A

they r
Lots of news for breakfast, lots of news for tea,
Lots of news for supper (or dinner, as may be);
Their lives would be unhappy, as a lunatic might see,
Unless they 've lots of news from night to morning.
There's been a riot in Newfoundland,
The Cheese of the Cheshire's no more,
The Grosvenor Gallery's opened, and
Our Gladstone is seventy-four;
Professor Owen's a K.C.B.,
The Irish capers don't drop,
And they are about to demolish, I see,
The Old Curiosity Shop.
Lots of news for breakfast, lots of news for tea,
Lots of news for other meals no doubt there'll also be ;
But as for all the rest of it, we think you'd better see
The papers that they publish every morning.


Worth Knowing.
THE saw-" We live and learn "-is not absurd,
Nay, proofs are round about us swarming;
For lately, as you probably have heard,
His Grace the Duke of Westminster averred,
"The House of Lords needs no reforming."
No changes in our Peerage he'd suggest,
Save that its influence be augmented;
Besides all this, the noble Duke of West-
Minster declared for Britain 't would be best
With our wise Peers to be contented.
"Give the Upper House of work a greater share,
Yea, let it have more legislation."
Doubtless his Grace the Duke means well; but there,
Were Peers to muddle any more-O where,
0 where would be our nation ?

Trade Mems.
A BARBER is an ubiquitous individual, because, by nature of his avoca-
tion, he is always cropping up.
A martyr's lot, or that of a political agitator, is generally very akin to
that of an unsuccessful Act of Parliament, inasmuch as he is hardly
A carriage-builder, like a potman, prides himself as a rule on his suc-
cessful turn-out.
A newsmonger must always be said to exist on sufferance, as he lives
by the leaf of every publisher.
Actors are not so susceptible as many imagine. They need not, after
all, object so very strongly to be cut up, as they naturally take to pieces.

THE Laundress's favourite Shakspearian Play.-" The Comedy of


H, every hour and
Every day,
S If you will
believe my
The people
bustle about
r, and say
They're want-
s_ ing to hear
the news;
They're rather
fond of regu-
lar meals,
They're par-
tial to nice
But news is the
joy of their
souls, one
A d -t hi- what

THE STRIKER'S SONG.-" Woa, hammer !"

IT was a party seated at a dark table in a coffee-house; before him
were some sheets of paper ruled with lines in batches of five; he was
engaged in placing black dots among the lines. Ever and anon he
gazed furtively around, while the slightest sound sufficed to make him
hurriedly hide the sheets of paper beneath the table, and feign to examine
the ceiling.
"Hist! whispered the waiter; "man in long black coat and white
choker coming' in. Look out!"
In nervous haste the party blotted his work, huddled it into his
pocket, and concealed himself in a cupboard. When the shades of night
had closed around, he stole softly out, and hurried along in the deepest
shadows. Unceasing dread filled his mind; and, indeed, not without
cause, for, carefully following his trail, hurried a black and sombre form
in a long black coat, white tie, and black cotton gloves, with a hymn-
book under its arm. With frantic efforts it strove to overtake the fleeing
one, who suddenly dived into a dark doorway and glided noiselessly
upstairs into the darkened apartments of the Lion Comique.
Hush!" whispered the pursued one. Be cautious, for there 's one
of 'em on my track already. Here's my last new one. He's got scent
of it somehow-quick, hide it from him!" And the pursued one
cautiously took from his pocket the sheets covered with lines and dots,
and went secretly home by another route. But the man with the white
choker was not to be baffled; he was on the track. In his hymn-book
there gleamed in the pale moonlight a white, unprinted, virgin page.
That page had to be filled-it lurked in waiting for its prey; and the
man in the white choker and black cotton gloves slowly crawled all
round the residence of the Lion Comique.
I've got a new 'un, just written for me," whispered the Lion Comique
in the secret night to the music hall manager; "splendid tune (so the
composer says; I can't read music myself, of course) ; but one of 'em's
on the scent already. I'll sing it to-night, you know where; only you
must take care that he doesn't get scent of the hall and sneak in. It 's
all over if he does." And off went the manager to take precautions ;
all the employs at the music hall were sworn to secrecy as to its where-
abouts; every "patron" seeking admission at the doors had to solemnly
swear that he had no connection with any revivalist congregation. Not
a word about the affair was allowed to get into the papers; and the
audience were forbidden to whistle reminiscences of "The Great Croker's
latest one about the streets, on pain of horrible vengeance.
"What ? Couldn't find any to put in it ? screamed the theatrical
manager. "Why, what the deuce is the use of a pantomime without
Well, you see, the revivalists appropriated them as fast as they came
out, and put hymn-words to 'em; and it's forbidden to use any tune
once hallowed by anybody who happens to hum it while wearing black
gloves and a white choker, and the audience would throw gingerbeer
bottles. But stay, there 's one left-they haven't got scent of the Great
Croker's latest; I '11 put words to that, and perhaps it will save the
But that evening, just as the pantomime was about to commence, a
sombre form in a long black coat, white tie, and black cotton gloves,
made a claw over the shoulder of the orchestra conductor, and, with a
wild yell of triumph, waved aloft a sheet covered with lines and dots;
then it clapped it on to the blank page of its hymn-book, and, madly
waving its black cotton umbrella, cleared the auditorium at a bound,
and disappeared. And when the devoted actor began the first note of
the Great Croker's latest comic song, a rain of bottles fell upon him, and
he was removed to the hospital; for the man in the white tie had annexed
the air, and to sing it as originally written is for ever forbidden.


18 F U N JANUARY 9, 1884.

IT had gone on ever since he had written those beautiful tales about
NARCISSUS; OR, THE MYTHOLOGICAL "MASHER." the London poor for the Daily Elaborator. He hadn't a moment's peace
I SING of Narcissus, a "of his life," that's what he hadn't. They were not long in finding out
p e- phe began by calling at the office of the Daily Elaborator, fully primed,
.Wc ho lived in the and beginning straight at the counterman:
SaWho lived in the I ain't no great 'and at tellin' a story, but here it is, wot there is
,, .Th h this y ti h's to tell. It was jest about this time last year that I found myself one
Though this youth'ssairtenouneran
cerebellum was "Hold on said the counterman; I don't want to hear all this."
Smore or less So Bill Ulkin, seeing that he had addressed the wrong person, made a
His sappy m dive over the counter and into the editor's room at the back.
thing sublime. "I ain't no great 'and at tellin' a story," said Bill; "but 'ere it is,
Narcissus' visage was wot there is to tell. It was jest about this time last year that- "
faultlrc s's infeature "Don't come bothering me; I'm busy," said the editor. And just
Though it didn't at that moment Bill caught sight of the Special Commissioner himself,
S' ith intellect the gentleman who had written those beautiful articles about the poor;
S g ""w' n glow, so he bolted after him, and hung on to his coat-tail until he reached his
in short was suite of handsome apartments.
'ellish, symme- "I ain't no great 'and at tellin' a story," said Bill, taking a chair;
.-. t..cal creatu1 but 'ere it is, wot there is to tell. It was just about this time last
SLess noted for sense year that I found myself one dark night, along with mother and bro
!!!i '5"- "I, than for show. their Sam "
t- an rho "Be offm-I'm busy," said the Picturesque Commissioner. "What
;II: This youth's conver- do you mean by coming and- "
station was not very But before he could finish, in burst little Jinny Skinnybone and took
Clever, a chair. "Well, sir," said Jinny, shyly. "I dunno as there's much to
It wasn't o'erladen tell. However, it was last Christmas Eve as father was down with a
with wit, black eye, and mother she was on the drink- "
But when he was very much moved, he'd endeavour Will you go and-- ?" said the Commissioner; but at that mo-
To shine,-but in vain, I admit. ment in trudged Joe the Pieman.
No gleam of intelligence e'er was detected Well, 'ere goes, as you must 'ave it," said Joe, taking a chair. It
In N. as he chatted with men ; was one day last year, jest about Noo Year's day, as I 'ad a bit o'luck;
But he 'd piously murmur Bai Jove !" when affected an' it come about like this- "
(For folks worshipped Jupiter then). But he was interrupted by the entrance of William the Wall-eyed
Lighterman, and Sticky Joshua the New Cut Runner, and little Tim the
He 'd frequently lounge in a calm, "haw-haw fashion Mudlark, and Slippery Tom, and a lot more.
At various restaurant bars, Well, 'ere's the story, wotever it's worth," said the latest arrivals
On the barmaids he'd gaze with a kind of compassion, in chorus. It was last Twelf Night that a queer thing happened to me.
And puff cigarettes or cigars. I'd bin down Wappin' way- "
His coat and his trou-- well, his clothes were the tightest,
His hat ol the glossiest kind, A
His collar was high, and his cuffs were the whitest '
That e'en among "chappies you'd find. ..
The barmaids were "mashed" as they gazed on his figure,below, 1
And served him with soda and b.s,
But Narcissus would only complacently snigger,
And murmur, "Bai Jove who are these ?"
To the Sacred Lamp" temple he'd go, for devotion .
(Where the Goddess Burlesque used to reign) ;
Here his masher companions showed jealous emotion,
And yearned for his freedom from brain.
Each barmaid endeavoured by wiles to enmash" him,
Adoring his eyeglass and hat;
But (to use a Scotch saying), their ways "didna fash" him,
Ihe was much too self-conscious for that. The Commissioner sprang through the window-sash into the street,
But Cupid, anon, by his coolness embittered, fifty feet below, and. hid himself in new lodgings; but they are all on
Revenged himself (artful young elf !), his track again. And it isn't a matter of one story apiece, bless you !
And in one of the mirrors which round the bar glittered there isn't one of 'er that hasn't at least a dozen ready, and plenty in
He made N. catch sight of himself! reserve; no fixed charge, but just what you like to give 'em. They 've
all given up their former callings, and calculate to start afresh on this one.
Like a statue he stood, his own beauty admiring,
And frequently uttered an "Oh I "
Till at length the officials, when time for retiring, Not Suiting them to a Tea.
Requested Narcissus to go. fON Tuesday night the paupers in the Women's Ward of the Lambeth
But there he stood gazing, his optics still fixing Workhouse kicked up a disturbance, owing to gruel being substituted for
On the form in the mirror displayed, tea, and forty of the ringleaders were locked up. We do not sympa-
Till, thinking Narcissus his drinks had been mixing, thize with rioters as a rule, but the deprivation in this case does seem a
They called in the law to their aid. most unnecessary act ofgruel-tea.
The Law, in the shape of some Bobbies, then entered,
But N. their approach noted not, ui Bono?
And finding his gaze on the mirror still centred, Cui Bono ?
They dragged him away from the spot. A CONTROVERSY has been going on as to the inventor of the custom of
Then helpless and limp he sank down in the gutter, sending Christmas cards. We cannot see that there is any good to be
And was changed to a tree (so they say), obtained by this agitation, as if it could be positively proved who is
Which henceforth bore "mashers" quite sappy and utter,- responsible for this awful calamity, we doubt very much if any jury would
So mashers exist to this day. convict the originator.

THE MODERN "STAR" CHAMBER.-The green-room.



JANUARY 9, Y884. FU N 19


Now twenty years have come and gone,
And we have welcomed aye the comer;
And one by one they still roll on,
As does the springtime and the summer.
We hear the midnight bells ring out,
The carols sung in joyous chorus;
We welcome give with merry shout,
That tells of glad days now before us.
The New Year comes, all young and sweet,
No halting gait nor aged shuffles;
But fair and smart, and dressed so neat,
Betrimmed with costly lace and ruffles.
Now "Eighty Three," with all his care,
And honours that he won so fairly,
Goes tottering off with frosted hair-
Some blame, while others laud him rarely.
The New Year comes with winning smile,
His face is loving, fair, and youthful;
He might a maiden's heart beguile,
His words are all so soft and truthful.
He promises the long bright day,
That wealth should through the land be flowing,
That birds shall sing, and minstrels play,
And flowers bedeck the way we're going.
There is a something hangs around
Glad youth, when on his way he's wending,
And tells in ringing silvery sound
That sunshine shall blight the ending;
But what the closing hours may be,
What storms may come on land or ocean,
The sage must patient wait to see--- Thr i
For FUN has not the slightest notion. i i

WHEN is a passenger to Ramsgate, per L. C. & D. R.,
like a miller?-When ie's got to Sydenham Hill (to sit-in- B Y T H E W A Y.
a-mill). Puff!-puff!-puff!-puff! She (referring to his game of Football).-" WHICH DO YOU PLAY-
SOOT-ABLE MEAT.-Sweep('s)-stakes. I PREFER 'UNION.' [Of course she pretended she didn't under, stand.

A Benevolent Effort, occurred to him to be honest; his motto had always been "Persevering
einnere ginviteny H ke Coo, Es and hres knavery," and he had to congratulate himself on the result.
THE annual di nner given by Hookerby Crooke, Esq., and other Noctius Phatt, Esq., having spoken in a similar strain, and pointed
charitable gentlemen, to the honest poor, took place last night. The out

thety ot s e nd rt o hing ee e oe incidentally that the small hours of the morning had een expressly
object of this excellent undertaking isr thi wra together some of those chosen for the meeting as being the time best fitted for catching one's
who have ignominiously failed to to make their way by dint of honest in- fellow-creatures napping, Mr. Deft Dijjits, the eminent pickpocket,
dusty, to endeavour to explain to them the fallacy of the popular proverb entertained the company with an exposition of a fe of his favourite
"Honesty is the best policy," and to stimulate them to the adoption of tricks of manipulation, and Mr. Fly Cadger warbled some thieves'
a more profitable field of labour. Among the gentlemen present were ballads with taking choruses, in which the audience heartily joined.
Hookerbhy Crooke, Esq., the eminent and world-renowned stock and After which a vote of thanks was offered to the chairman, and the
share manipulator ; Noctius Phatt, Esq., the well-known manufacturer of meeting broke up. Notices were posted up in the all to the effect that
fresh butter; General Tunza Sand, the influential cotton exporter from Mr. Dijjits would give a series of free lectures on prestidigitation during
America; Mudwhorl Nodrane, Esq., the illustrious speculative builder; the rest of the winter months, and that those anxious that their sons
Asknce Questyens, Esq., the ee wealthy fence; and others who, from up- should learn a business more profitable than their own had proved, could
patently hopeless beginnings, had made their way by dint of persevering apprentice them to Mr. Ainshent Bird, the distinguished trainer of the
dishonesty to fortune and distinction. t o t a ne n o bs
At one a.m. precisely the invited guests sat down to a substantial repast, youth of the Mint and Whitechapel.
to which they did full justice. They were chiefly pound-a-week clerks
with M.A. degrees, and secretaries who could correspond in twenty Ootavius Ebenezer Potts.
languages, literary men, curates, and barristers in the enjoyment of
twenty pounds a year, and so forth. The cloth having been removed, HIS FILOSOFY.-ADVISE.
Mr. Hookerby Crooke took the chair, and proceeded to address a few DON'T dispare at being humble: thare iz a mishun for ever man,
'words of seasonable advice to those assembled. however lowly, and a wurk for ever woman, however humbal. But this
He could not find a better example, he said, of the flatteringly suc- mishun, which iz the mishun of humanite, konserns humanite only. In
cessful results of dishonesty than the dinner of which they had just nacher's wurk thair iz nothing that rekwires yew to rite it.
partaken. It was supplied by Messrs. Trash and Garbayge, the well- If yew look at being put down in the rite lite, it duz yew orl the
known refreshment contractors, and was a swindle throughout. The gude in the world.
"hare," as they had doubtless found out, was dyed rabbit with a sprink- There is proberhly no man whoo heznt been put down by a woman,
ling of dog; while the "wine," in spite of its many ingredients, would but there is proberbly no woman whoo hez not been controlled by a
not be touched by any sane person. Over this rubbish Messrs. Trash man.
and Garbayge would make, say, fifteen shillings a head profit. Why did The soner yew lern how to taike a snubbing, the sooner yew will le
not the miserable ill-paid creatures whom he addressed throw up their independent; yew will hey in life tew make a serten number of ad.
situations, and become refreshment contractors to a man? Why did vanses, and yew will be lucky if yew do not enkownter a scrten number
they not take a leaf out of his book, and try finance ? It had never even of rebuffs.

To CORRESPONDaNTs.-Thze editor does not bind himself to ack,,wviedg-e, return, or pay Jor Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

20 FU N JANUARY 9, 1884.

TRUE artists are often jealous and revengeful. Michael Angelo, for
instance, played some funny little tricks on contemporaries during fits of
envy. The French are
artistic to the core-not
mere shopkeepers like our-
selves-therefore they feel
their self-esteem has sorely
suffered, because "celes-
tials" having recently
proved that they are better
washerwomcn than "brave
Gauls." The Gallic envy
on this point is the primary
causeofthe Franco-Chinese
complication, at least, so a
-' wealthylaundry proprietor,
located near Lestaaare
Square, informs us, and we
have not expanded his
statement-no, not even a
little bit.
WE remarked to our
informant "that, of course,
prestige must be upheld," but inquired whether washing dirty linen in
public is the best way to elevate a business, political or private. Our
simile settled on his brain, and he dwindled slowly away.
A CHINESE war medal is already talked about in Paris-nay, more
than spoken of, for unless the mad dog of mendacity has fixed on the
calf of our usually trustworthy Parisian correspondent's leg, a sample
decoration has been struck. The design is chaste and simple. On the
obverse of the "bronze," a French sailor is depicted stealing a roast
sucking pig from a Chinese shop (N.B.-Typical of war); on the reverse
is modelled a humble Chinese soldier feeding a Turco with potage A la
nitchiie (i.e., bird's-nest soup. N.B.-Typical of peace). The motto is
a brave and gallant one, taken from Johnson, viz., "There is a reciprocal
pleasure in governing and being governed."

CAPTAIN M'CAFFERTY, ex-convict and Irishman, having acquired a
competence in America, employs his fortune in carrying out a system of
revenge towards England; but, with all his wealth, the noble captain
(carried away by sentiment, like the leaders of his party in this country),
neglects his starving countrymen, and leaves the English nation to act
the part of good Samaritans towards them. There is a grim sort of
humour about the conduct of M'Cafferty aud the clique he belongs to.
Should we ever see this gentleman's effigy exhibited in Madame Tussaud's
show, we will bow to it with reverence as a pleasantly speechless figure of
the modern Irish patriot.
A NEW and startling criminal libel case may suddenly jump up before
us, like a pantomime demon out of a trap, unless certain imaginative
gentlemen "dry up" and cease drumming out statements that Weston
uses five-pound notes as corn-plasters and eats gold-leaf sandwiches.
He hates such rampant popularity thrust upon him.

WHY does not this unsophisticated pedestrian make tracks to the
Transvaal? Once there, with the aid of a Boer costume by May, a wig
by Clarkson, and a coach up in Dutch-English by any Limehouse pro-
fessor, gentle Weston would score. 'Cos why? Well, it appears that
when the Boers confiscate native lands, they are promptly divided into
plots and raced for by those qualified to try for them. In order to enter
a match it seems necessary that the would-be competitor must prove
having killed a few men or women; so Weston, being a peace-loving
citizen, will probably think our hints useless, and that this par. is wasted.

TWELVE Dublin organ-grinders ushered in the new year by playing
their instruments of torture "all together at once, bedad!" The savage

breasts of several Home Rulers and dynamitists were soothed by the
airs of Tiddy Fol Lol," Come back to Erin," The Bay of Biscay,"
and "Oh, what a Wicked Young Man you are! tenderly broken up
with Pop goes the Weasel and other operatic airs. No very bad
dynamite crimes were committed immediately afterwards.
WATFORD justice: knock a magistrate down, then roll him in the
mud till he resembles an Egyptian mummy-sentence, one month's
"hard ;" threaten an inspector of police-sentence, six weeks' "hard."
Moral: if you have an inordinate desire to linger long in the cool grot
and mossy cell, pull a policeman's nose, don't' be stupid, and shoot a

Jockeys Pulled Up.
JUST like the base, ungrateful nobs,
For which we rides and teaches bosses,
We mustn't plank our poorest bobs
Down againstt the guineas of our bosses.
We chaps who make the running must
Not run into debt like swell debtors,
We mustn't raise that kind of dust,
Nor take to betting, like our betters.
Our only study is the stud,
And chatting among stable cronies;
We must refuse, like so much mud,
Though horsey men, a bet in ponies.
'T is only ours to keep a seat,
Refusing every kind of treating;
And if we're beaten, or we beat,
A J. must not impair that beating.
Just perch us on our proper horse,
Our proper weights and measures taking;
Don't even let us see the course,
Nor dream of bad things like bookmaking.
Your coats and jackets jockeys don,-
To think of money's wicked sinning,
To have with you a pound upon
Your horse is vile: your game is winning.
It's only lordlings full of cash
Who are allowed to kick the traces;
The mashers keep us to our mash,
Our stakes are those of steeplechases.
But are my lord who call the gods
To ban the jockeys' bets that shock his
Keen sense of right in laying odds,
More virtuous when on the jockeys ?

WHAT a number of mellifluously criticized violinists exist who play
with magnificent technical skill and pathetic artistic refinement! Yet
how comparatively few cooks live who can make a curry worth poetically
raving over We write this more in sorrow than in anger.

AN ACCUSATIVE "CASE."-The witness-box.


Price One Shilling. Also of

FUN ALMANAC for 1884.
Price Twopence.

To be had fall Newsagents, at all Railway Bookstalls, and at

P erfete Cadb r S

Cocoa thickens In the
cup, It proves the ad-
COD' LIVER OIL I'. PU o. d lt of starch. ocoal
At 1/4, 2/6, 4/9, and 9/-. Sold Everywhere. PURE111 80LUBLE11I REFRESHINIII11

London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, NW., and Published (for the Proprietors, by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 9th, 1884.


JANUARY I6, 1884.

Turkey to the Fore again.
WE said there was life in the old land yet,
Though the Russ had one triumph scored;
We bellowed, She isn't wiped out, you bet ;
A return match there '11 be," we roared.
And the crescent will make the eagle cross,
As she did in the days of yore.
And you see of prophets our bard's a boss,
For Turkey's again to the fore.
For it's Turkey to the fore, my boys,
That's what we '11 see once more,
The dear old days
Of Beaky's craze,
Now Turkey's to the fore.
Oh, we haven't a deep disdain of France,-
She 's a dab with the pot and pan,
And she's so au faith of the mazy dance
That she says of it I can-can."
But she'd far better leave the East alone,
And that Tunis at once restore,
For the whole wide East is the Turkish throne,
And Turkey's again to the fore.
For it's Turkey to the fore, old pals,
There's not a land can score
The slightest rise
When good and wise
Old Turkey 's to the fore.
You '11 see him for nothing Soudan secure,
His intentions are never mean ;
And he '11 teach us how to house London poor,
For you know he's absurdly clean.
And you put him to shut up Boer cheek,
And the flower of the Fenians flour;
You see, he will do it all in a week,
Since he's once again at the fore.
For our Turkey to the fore, my boys,
Means all our troubles o'er;
E'en wicked W.E.G.
Was forced to beg
The Turk come to the fore.
So let's all go in for a double shout,"
That's boozing and bellowing too,
Two accomplishments which you'll hardlydoubt
We can boast until all's true blue.
Now we'll take intelligent interest
In all pouring of gush and gore,
Now the blooming East has eclipsed the West,
And Turkey's again to the fore.
And it's Turkey to the fore, dear chums,
It's Turkey sea and shore;
Might joins with right
To win the fight
When Turkey's to the fore.

A "Rip "-remand.
"In responding to the toast of the House of Lords
the other day, the Earl of Durham said that he re-
garded many of the members of that House as political
Rip Van, Winkles' who had been asleep for many
years."-Daily Pajer.
"Rip Van Winkles ? Ah yes, 't is true
Their ways," cry many, "do not content us;
So useless are most of the things they do,
You cannot say that they Rip '-resent us.
A better comparison you '1 not find,
For they're oft of a Sleepy-Hollow kind."

LORD WIMBORNE'S seat, Canford Manor,
has been damaged by fire; but, owing to a
plentiful supply of water, the flames were pre-
vented from destroying the building. In com-
memoration of its aqueous advantages the
house might be known in future as Water-


First Wretch.-" How's YOUR WIFE, OLD MAN ? '

Light Literature.
IN the papers ot the 7th appeared the following :-" It is noted in the meteorological report
that the sun reappeared in London yesterday for the first time since the 23rd ultimo." This new
and theatrical style of announcement from the Meteorological Office suggests that presently they
will notify a similar occurrence as "'return of the old favourite;" and possibly we may have some
reference to his having been on "a starring tour," while it would be perfectly true to record the
reappearance as "a brilliant success."

ACCORDING to a newspaper called The Smoker, "the hookah is the most splendid of pipes."
If this be true, we should advise every puffer of the fragrant weed to procure one by hookah
by crook." The same periodical says that "the cigarette is a sort of female cigar." Perhaps
so; but we were always under the impression that the feminine cigar was a "she-root."

voL. XXXI??.-NO. 975.

22 JF U *N JANUARY 16, 1884.

SLASHES AND PUFFS. the chorus, indeed, is one of the clearest and truest singing I have ever
HE new piece, Princess da or heard. Miss Leonora Braham, whose rendering of the part of Ida was
S' I Castle Adamant, atP e I the Sa- musically a foregone conclusion of safety, displayed very high qualities
oy, juCastle Adamant, at the Sa- of comedy and elocution in her opening address to the collegians, as
Sprospecy, just produced with eery well as in her rendering generally. Miss Brandram was duly portentous
Sis probabspect lengthened career' and mysterious as Lady Blanche (Professor of Abstract Science), playing
Sprathing l the au thors have done with considerable humour and her usual vocal excellence. Miss Chard,
since The Sorcerer. This latter albeit very nervous at
pee still bears the palm I first, presented plea-
think, of the series musically. sant Lady e, i
Princess Ida appeals more to and sang her comic -
ordinary tastes, though not in song with apprecia- I ,.
suc a astes thouo end tion, and Miss Jessie
sunh a way as to offend musi'
cians either. There is some- Bond (one of the best
thing irresistibly comic in the singers in the corn- .
trio of the brothers at the end of pany) was the bright-
the Prologue-in the music, I est and neatest of
mean, as distinct fromthe words; Br he r. .
.... .. and the finale to the second act Bracy, the latest re- ;. ,:'
-.-... s- is a strong and effective piece of cruit here brought
.r "L, r'.,,,-- writing. But the piece abounds hand pleasant voice to
in effective numbers, and one v -
THE SAVOY.-A DAUGHTER OF "THE might takethemalmostseriaim; bear with effect. Mr. ...
PLOUGH" (OBVIOUSLY THE INN WHICH i out the the Lely sings well, and
SUPPLIES THE LUNCHEON). but, to pick out theplums, themuch co-
opening chorus, the finale to the mediation for his sub- THE SAVO.-SPIRITS IN BOND.
Prologue already mentioned, the first male trio of the first act (encored), ed rend eration for his sub- T SAVOY.-SPIRITS IN BOND.
the quintette of the two ladies with the three gentlemen (recalling some- "intoxication scene," but there is a slight tendency to obtrusiveness
what the quintette in Patience), the duet for Melissa and Lady Blanche intoxication scene, but there is a slight tendency to obtrusiveness
(fill of character and old-time quaintness in words, music, and render- about his Cyril. Mr. Richard Temple does valuable service with his
ing), and a pretty song for the Princess in the last act, while the final sonorous voice, and he and his two companions make the most of the
chorus is probably as graceful and melodious a number as anything in comicalities ofthe three warriors. Mr. Rutland Barrington is a dignified
chorus is probably as graceful and melodious a number as anything ie opera and sleepy-voiced monarch, and Mr. George Grossmith "gives a con-
the opera. ----- scientious rendering of a small part."
Although Mr. Gilbert has (wisely enough) been content to rely for
his dialogue The dresses are rich and tasteful, the scenery beautiful in the extreme,
upon his pre- and the thoroughness of the stage management is obvious in the won-
viousversion, derful completeness and cohesion which is its result.
or (as he pre- -- '
fers to call To-night (the 16th) Confusion, at the Vaudeville, reaches its two
it) perversion sm hundredth representation. On Friday, the Prince's, Mr. Edgar Bruce's
of the same new theatre in Coventry Street, opens with Mr. Gilbert's Palace of
story pro- t Truth. On Saturday week Mr. Gilbert's new one-act piece, Tragedy
duced at the II and Comedy, appears at the Lyceum. A new musical comedy (possibly
Olympic (let called Dorothy) by Messrs. H. C. Stephenson and Alfred Cellier, will
us be sternly e)j see the light at the Royalty anon. All this by authority.
accura t e)
within three
days of four- Something more by authority. I am authorized to contradict the
teen years rumour (which I have not heard, by the way) that Mr. Charles Collette,
previously, ,. made up as Adonis Evergreen in My Awful Dad, sat to Mr. Linley
he has found THE SAVOv.-WE GAVE AN ELECTRA-TYPE LAST WEEK- Sambourne for the "Fast Young Father Time" in the issue of Punch
plenty of HERE IS A STEEL ENGRAVING. for the 5th inst.
scope in the
lyrical portion for free play of his rich humorously-satirical fancy and There is a good deal of weediness" about Mr. Law's new piece at
technical skill: the quaint little ballad for Hilarion in the Prologue, Toole's, and the mesmerism as a basis is far too strained a notion with
"I 'm such a disagreeable man," At this universitee," The ape and such a character as Kerosine Tredgold (" Kerosine" as a Christian name,
the lady," "We may remark," "Death to the invader," and Gama's too, is of rather an exploded style of humour), but there is a deal of good
song in the last act, remain prominently in my memory as striking spe- dialogue, some of the
cimens of clever and various phased humour. The "disarming" song lines being exceed-
and chorus of the brothers embodies a very comic and original notion, ingly smart, and the -'
and the two pathetic ballads, Whom thou situations, if not alto- -
hast chained," and "I built upon a rock" gethernovel, are fairly
(particularly the latter), will bear favourable well worked up to _
comparison with the usual run of such things. (that at the end of the i '
i But (although the master of rhyme will pro- second act with con- -
bably admit that "decide and outside," "this siderable skill). Mr.
and is," university and perversity," "rove Toole is in his ele-
M and love," and "hearth and lath" do not ment, and succeeds
rhyme) every song in the piece bears an im- in keeping his greatest "\
-. press of care, finish, and sense of proportion, friends and his worst
4 -S which in itself gives rise to a most pleasurable enemies (if he has any) '
\ exhilaration in the listener. The piece is in roars as long as he '
burlesque of the purest kind, teeming with a is on the stage. Miss
refined humour which never disturbs for an Thorne is an able THE SAVOY.-THE IDA AND THE SEEKER.
instant one's reverence for the original, or assistant, and Miss
jars upon the grace of the subject; the first Erskine plays with a determined earnestness and finish that have a very
act, however, was felt to be much too long. comical effect, although the character is not a very tangible one. Miss
rHE Savov.--THEY CALL Linden, at the head of a tribe of young ladies bearing the names of the
HIM GAMA; HE'S MUCH The rendering of the piece is very adequate: week for their own, has very little to do, except in the first act, where
MOKE LIKE A GAFFER. the company, particularly, have overcome her representation of a "designing thing" is capital. Mr. Ward is good
with seeming ease the average actor's diffi- too, but I shall have a word or two to say, and a cut or two to give,
culty of dealing with blank verse: it falls as naturally and trippingly about it next week. Meantime, on the whole, it is all very funny, and
from their lips as one need desire; and the singing level seems higher; exceedingly well mounted. NESTOR.

JANUARY 16, 1884. 23

I. -Say twenty years ago:-
MATILDA JANE 1 you've got the face
To feign to think I haven't told yer
That I object to have the place
Filled up with that confounded soldier?
I do not hate the rank and file-
I rather honour their profession-
But I rebel against the style
In which that fellow takes possession
I 'd stand a man of decent size,
But my objections are emphatic
To fellows having heads that rise
Upon a level with the attic;
The way he bumps himself about
Inside the house! Unless it ceases
One day the walls will tumble out,
And all the place will fall to pieces.
Commanding height may have its charms,
But not for me; I bear the traces
Of tripping over legs and arms
He leaves about the stairs and places.
No-my regard he'll never win,
Unless you're able to divide him;
You needn't hope to sneak him in-
He's far too big, you cannot hide him.
II.-A few months hence, after a little more lowering:-
Matilda Jane! the case is clear:
Without an atom of compunction,
Again you 've had that soldier here,
In spite of all my strict injunction !
I may respect the soldier's trade-
Nay, even reach the point of gushing;
But give me men I'm not afraid
Of treading on by chance, and crushing.
In vain I say I won't permit
His entry at the door, and lock it,-
He enters through the letter-slit,
And then you hide him in your pockit;
I 'm even fearful he's between
The leaves of heavy books I 'm shutting-
I've found him in the soup-tureen,
And in a pie that I was cutting !

One evil day my stick, or hat,
However much the thing may grieve me,
Will fall upon and smash him flat;
And Mr. Binns will then receive me.
My mind foresees, of hope bereft,
This awful deed to which I 'm fated:
The British army-(all that's left)-
In one fell blow annihilated!

An Ex-Traineous Offer.
MR. P. T. BARNUM has offered Mr. G. F. Train fifty thousand
dollars for a course of lectures; Clearly, then, the "King of Humbugs"
must think this "Train a "first-class" one; in fact, he would have
not offered more, probably, had it been all "Pullman Palace Cars."

Go to it in a Soudan"-chair.

THE Mahdi's Soudan tragedy, in which he plays the leading part, is
truly a masterpiece of dramatic construction; but the Mahdi "heavy "
man has had his honours
thrust upon him with reck-

r \ His abilities and interest-
\ ing private habits have
Been dilated and expanded
on in our most mendacious
Young English fashion.
The False Prophet will
outrival the poor departed
Marwood in Press atten-
tions. Through our pri-
vate wire we have just
Received some information
about the mad magnani-
mous Mahdi, viz. :-
"Monday Night.
--Knockers-out in a
We have not space for
a goodly mass of words,
so interpret the telegram
thusly : "James Mace,
and his Maori Slade, have been introduced to the Mahdi at El Fakeup
Bosha. The Mahdi having witnessed a display of science between
Mace and his pupil, decided on having a set-to with the scientific
master. In two rounds the false prophet slogged Slade by accident-
who was acting as second to his tutor-and slew Mace, who departed
this life without showing the least ill-temper or annoyance. It is
reported that Slade is also defunct."
THE great "Nap.," whose intellect was passably sleeky, found his
cards fail him when playing the Egyptian game, and used to assert,
after his great failure, that Egypt is an unclean nest, filled with very
bad eggs." Birds of prey are not generally very particular as to sanitary
affairs, but both Egypt and the Egyptians were too highly perfiuned to
induce the imperial Eagle to remain long there among them.

ONCE upon a time there lived a thoughtful affable old lady-house-
holder, who possessed an astounding faculty for collecting eggs. Some
she bought, but most she kleptoed. The ancient dame carried on her
artistic efforts to accumulate for centuries, and was most careful in the
treatment of her eggs. She turned them upside-down every other day,
and by this cogent treatment was often able to keep them for some
time. She was the most wise old person we ever had a cup of tea with,
for when she thought an egg was really going badly to the bad, she first
held it up to the light, to make certain that it was far past the musty
stage, and when feeling sure on the point, she would either present it
gracefully back to the lawful owners, or, in a skittish wanton manner,
would throw it at the head of one of her neighbours, and then decamp
to some dark corner and chuckle.

THE ancient dame got terribly disfigured, however, in trying to cast
away an Egyptian bad egg: it was a singularly corrupt egg, but very
elastic, and when dropped in an artful manner by the old lady-for she
was too nervous, knowing how bad it was, to fling it boldly at any one
-the defective egg bounded up in her face, and discharged its un-
pleasant contents over her cranium, rendering her unfit to appear in
society till much soft soap and hot water had been used and dabbled in
by this worthy old person.

MODERN JUDGE (summing up). I am of opinion that the prisoner is
guilty of murder, because the evidence clearly shows that he threw a
slice of German sausage in the prosecutor's face.
MODERN FOREMAN OF A JURY (roughly interposing). But he did not
succeed in killing him, my lord. We object to hear any more babble.
Our verdict is, "Guilty of libel with extenuating circumstances."
MODERN JUDGE. You are a very ill-mannered fellow. Are you not
aware that my word is law ? Still, I suppose I must accept your ver-
dict ; but thank your stars that the curried eggs and hot mulled claret I
have just consumed for lunch both calm and soften me, otherwise I
might commit you to Holloway for contempt in daring to differ with me.
MODERN JUDGE (losing his temper). Withdraw you-you d-d-dif-
erence of opinionated j-j-juryman I You d-d-daring d-delinquent
juryman I Usher Tipstaff remove that sonorous verdictive-I should
say vindictive-excrescence, or I wouldn't give a shilling cigar-stump
for his safety.

24 F UN. JANUARY 16, 1884.

SI"I' 7.i- TJelT' .

EVsERY year FUN sees the same painful pantomime. King Manager (a good but mistaken potentate), purposing to carry away little Johnny Bull, secures the services
of a music hall-ahem I-" Genius" to fascinate him. He gives the Genius a turn "-and the Genius gives everybody else one.
i 1 -- ,J.i j 1 C 1C. 1 f 7 7 5 1 ".- ,

Disguising himself in female attire, he attempts to fascinate,

And we hope to see him, ere long carried away to a place of safety (and decency) by the good Fairy Mater, who will signify to King Manager that she will not
bring him back until the evil "Genius" shall be banished for ever to his own proper Dismael Realms of Inane Vulgarity (By the way, little Johnny need not despair:
the Halls of Music contain many good genii-ay, and geniuses too; only King Manager sometimes blunders in his choice,)

F TJN, -JANUARY I6, 1884.

E I f.

-v V\\W I


V lI (P T A '^ ^'T 1Y (



0- -.



(See Cartoon.)
BEHIND the chair the barber stands,
Upon it the Egyptian sits,
And to a pair of skilful hands
His shaggy head submits.
Snip, snip! the scissors go,
And many a lock is soon laid low:
Here is a bit too long by far,
There is another that won't lie neatly;
Down on them both the sharp shears are,
Cutting them off completely.

"No more !" the sitter cries, for quite
Enough's been taken off for him;
But that hairdresser finds delight
In making heads look trim.
Snip, snip I he's clipping still,
Determined to have his own sweet will;
So the Egyptian needs must stay
. Chafingly under the operation,
Till he has got from the barber a
Regular tittivation.

JANUARY 16, 1884. FUJN. 27

HERE died an actor years ago,
His name was Baddeley (don't mistake),
His Christian name I do not know-
,'nk I only know he left a cake.
And once a year-this is the pith
:, Of his bequest-the actors make,
At Drury Lane, acquaintance with,
,',' And very promptly cut, that cake.
Each year an actor, dramatist,
Or critic, p'r'aps, will office take,
I And show his strength of mind and wrist,
And make a speech, and cut the cake.
-. An actor's quite aufait with "cuts,"
The critic will the "scalpel" take,
THE BADDELEV CAKE, WITH The author (minus "ifs" or buts ")
ACCOMPANYING CUT. The pruning-knife to cut the cake.

And so in eighteen eighty-four
Great Harris bids them boil and bake,
And bring him punch and fizz galore,
And lots of guests to eat the cake.
In flock the guests, and all and each
Have something of a thirst to slake;
Then "Jim" Fernandez makes his speech,
And "has his knife into" that cake.
Then everybody takes the chance,
Amid the "batten," "float," and "rake,"
To laugh, and talk, and drink, and dance,
And so assimilate the cake.
Then here is Hamlet drinking punch,
And here is Judy eating hake,
And here the witches "munch and munch,"
And here's a "fairy" on" the cake.
And there's a person steeped in crimes-
The blood of them would fill a lake-
In conversation with the Times,
And going shares" in fizz and cake.
Then over there there may be seen
A shifter on the cadging fake; "
And farther on a royal queen
Is pocketing a piece of cake.
Her partner for a mild quadrille
Observe a dashing danseuse take;
And see a haughty tyrant fill
His hat and boots with bits of cake.
Then here the Ref. and Sportsman jam,
And here the Globe and News are met,
And here is Nestor "slashing" ham
And puffing at a cigarette!
And here and there, at beck and call,
His cheerful smile without a break,
Augustus Harris welcomes all,
And offers each a bit of cake.
And so the merry hours go on,
Till one can scarcely keep awake;
And so we feel we must be gone,
And, like Bob Baddeley, "leave the cake.
"Good f'ler, Augustus," each affirms ;
(And if we, while his hand we shake,
Express ourselves in glowing terms,
Attribute it to-Baddeley's cake.)
May his successes be immense,
A dozen fortunes may he make-
Do Baddeley" in no other sense,
And eat his cake and have his cake.

COALS went down a shilling a ton on New Year's Eve. This is a
grate relief to the poor, though it is somewhat ash-" ton"-ishing news.
[N.B.-FUN has achieved this marvellous joke all by himself, without
the aid of a coal-laborator!]


JONES. Very queer thing-there's been rather a suspicious-looking
character hovering about my place for the last day or two. There was
a something about his appearance at first sight which caused me to-
wears a big mask, you know, and disguises his voice in a high squeak.
BROWN. Why, that's the very fellow who 's been haunting my place.
Hangs about the area until he catches the cook's eye -
JONES. And then sneaks into the kitchen-
BROWN. From which there subsequently proceed sounds like the
strumming of aharp accompanying the chanting of a seductive melody--
JONES. Which swells in force until it becomes an impassioned, wild,
ejaculative-a-whatduyoucallit-like some wild half-savage call to arars.
BROWN. Exactly. Fearful row; with oral imitations of trumpets and
hangings on the kitchen table in a kind of representation of salvoes of
JONES. That's it. And then he seems to be banging the fire-irons
about and doing screams, y' know-like the cries of the wounded. And
it all seems to finish up with a sort of loud triumphal march. Don't
like it at all; it keeps on for hours, and makes my head ache. Don't
like to complain, because the cook's very touchy, and would leave at
once. Fellow can't mean to rob the house, I fancy, because fellow who
meant to rob the house wouldn't make all that row, eh ?
BROWN. Shouldn't think so. I had the curiosity to steal down into
the kitchen after the servants had gone to bed, and I found three little
harps hanging up on the dresser, each marked with the name of one of
the domestics. Very queer-why, look There's the very identical
fellow! He's enticing a policeman on duty down a dark doorway.
Let's follow.
TONES. Why, there-he's teaching the constable something or other
-a short speech about "great advantages," and "certainty of promo-
tion," and "whole penny a month and free kit," and "prize-money
payable to descendants."
BROWN. And now he brings out two little harps, and hands one to
the policeman, and teaches him a song-that song. Yes, how sweetly
plaintively seductive are the first few bars Now it swells and swells
into the stirring, maddening war melody. The constable joins in the
strain : it positively carries one away-makes one's blood boil-maddens,
intoxicates! Jones, my friend, do not approach me at this terrible
moment; I thirst for human blood, I assure you. If you will credit it,
I yearn to dash headlong at the foe, and fling myself into the heaving
bosom of the crashing fray. Look out, Brown ; I shall hit you with my
JONES. I care not; I too would mingle in the harsh, remorseless
conflict. Defend yourself, I say I Strike-I will not yield! Dear me,
Jones, what a relief when they cease I I must really apologize for my
violence. I was not myself; I am usually so quiet and businesslike.

BROWN. I was worse than you; but think no more or my rash words:
indeed, I do not desire your blood. See, the policeman conceals the
harp beneath his overcoat, and proceeds upon his beat. Ha! he entices
a loafer down the dark archway; he commences the speech. Let us away I
JONES and BROWN. By the way; that party in the mask-never sus-
pected it-H.R.H. the D*ke of C*mbr*dge himself! In despair at
failure of police and others in wheedling fellows to join the army, actually
disguised himself and went round to teach'em that song. Supplied the
harps gratis, to be returned into stores when called for. Complete suc-
cess, they say.
BROWN. Oh, yes! My cook keeps a recruiting sergeant always in
the kitchen cupboard, gets two or three new "followers" every day,
sings 'em that song, hands 'em over six at a time to the sergeant, and
gets five shillings a head for 'em.
JONES. Exactly. Burglar on my roof the other day ; policeman went
up. Collar him?" Not a bit of it; whipped out his harp, sat on a
chimneypot, and sang him that song. Burglar took shilling, and went
off with policeman to barracks, snuffing air in search of foe. Grand

28 F U N JANUARY I6, 1884.

Mental Torture.
THE atrocious and sickening piece of cruelty practised lately upon a
schoolboy makes the blood positively boil-
absolutely run cold !
We have all read of the demoniacally in-
I y genious method of punishment by which a strap
was fastened round his tongue and tied to a
chair ; yet how few ofus have really recognized
in what the true torture of the punishment lay!
\ The actual torture, as the deeply-scheming
-"' teacher doubtless knew, was not bodily pain,
""' I\' nor the shame of disgrace. No; it lay in
anxiety-anxiety lest the strap should slip off.
With a view to gauge the sufferings under-
gone by the unhappy boy, we got an enemy,
the other day, to tie a strap round our tongue
S- and attach the strap to a chair; and then we
stood still and tried to keep the strap on for
two minutes. We tried every plan we could
think of, kept our tongue quite still, curled
it tightly into a hook, pressed it against the
.' i roof of our mouth ; but that cruel strap would
~'6', not keep on! If any one fancies himself clever
enough to manage the thing, let him try for
himself. But, seriously, if this sort of cruelty
is to be tolerated in our schools, we shall soon
have teachers proceeding to the inhuman ex-
% K'- tremity of compelling boys to balance feathers
.- ^ on their noses and bob for cherries I Where
u is our boasted civilization?

HERE'S a pretty mess!" cried Mr. Blunderberry, spilling the cocoa
over the newspaper and putting his elbow in his egg.
Never mind, dear," cried his better half, cheerfully, as she whisked
a napkin off the table and upset the cruets, "never mind, dear, I'll
clear it up in a minute."
"Oh, yes!" growled her husband, smearing the egg on the cloth,
"it's you they're waiting for! You are the sort of woman to tidy up
Egypt with a duster, and polish off the Soudan with a stove-brush. It s
a pity you weren't born a broom, so that you might have made a clean
sweep of everything."
swOh! what have they been doing now?" cried Mrs. Blunderberry,
clasping her hands, and dropping the forgotten napkin into the coal-
scuttle ; "is it those wretched Nile-ists again?"
"Great Atlas! no, it isn't, ma'am; and it isn't Lord Randolph
Churchill; and it isn't the Clerkenwell Vestry. Do you know of any
double-action steam-engine that can force an idea into that brain of
yours? Look here! the English say Egypt is to surrender the Soudan
-can you understand that, eh?"
"Of course I can, Solomon," replied Mrs. Blunderberry, with
wounded dignity; "but why won't they give it up?"
"Why won't they give it up?" yelled her lord, in savage repetition:
"because it isn't a confounded riddle, Mrs. B.; because it isn't an in-
fernal conundrum. You're a pretty kind of Sphinx, you are! oh, you
know a lot about Egypt, don't you? You only want to be broader at
the base and finer at the top to be a pyramid; stuck in a sand-heap,
with a lot of lizards running over you, you'd do first-rate for the ruined
Temple of Blunderberry-bah! "
I don't see what there is to be so angry about," replied the good
lady; "if they 're not to give it up, why don't they keep it?"
"Great gracious!" screamed her husband, "ask me another You
only want to be a little more crooked, with a dot underneath you, to be
a note of interrogation. Why don't they keep it? Do you think the
Soudan's a shop for the sale of mummies, and obelisks, and-and-and
cataracts? Have you formed an idea a Soudan is something alive to
pet and feed, and take out walking by a string ? Do you want a tame
Soudan to keep you company while I'm in the city? Keep it? A pre-
cious lot you know about it."
"Well, but, Solomon, whatever it may be, if they are not to give it
up, and not to keep it, I don't understand--"
"Who said they weren't to do either-or both?" interrupted her
lord and master, viciously throwing a salt-spoon at the cat; "it's just
one of the impossibilities to make a woman understand politics. Do
you think if I bored a hole in your head, and fixed a telegraph-wire to
your brain, you'd be any the wiser?"
I'm quite sure you couldn't do that without my knowing it," cried
Mrs. Blunderberry, triumphantly.
"Pshaw!" interposed her husband, impatiently, "do you think I
might get a scrap of intelligence into you with a hammer and chisel?"

Then after a pause, he muttered to himself, I wish to goodness I 'd
never bought those Egyptians.'"
"Oh, Solomon!" cried Mrs. Blunderberry, with a face of horror.
"Don't-oh, don't tell me you've gone into the slave trade."
"At last-at last, ma'am, your penetration has discovered the fatal
truth. My rakish little schooner lies in the offing. We sail at midnight.
' Hoist the black banner high.' By-the-bye, will you be good enough
to embroider a skull and crossbones on your new black silk skirt? Aha!
the Rover is free!" And Mr. Blunderberry struggled into his great-
coat, and hailed his omnibus from the top of the steps.
"That's his nonsense, I suppose," said Mrs. Blunderberry, musingly.
"But I wonder what he meant about buying Egyptians.' If they are
females they don't come into this house, that's certain. Heigho! there
are plenty of white slaves in semi-detached villas." And she took up
one of her husband's socks and commenced darning it.

No. 3. AIR-Fromi "Princess Ida."

\I T- -, --._ _-

NOTHING wonderful or great,
On my word-on my word,
Or exciting to the State,
Has occurred-has occurred;
But, as any one can tell
In a trice-in a trice,
Vestrymen in Clerkenwell
Aren't nice-aren't nice;
They can shout and yell and stamp,
So it seems-so it seems,
And can flourish with a gampp,"
Venting screams venting
And their conduct has relation
To the state of agitation
Caused by mental aberration,
Or bad dreams-or bad dreams.
Oh! these are the phenomena
Distinghishing the common,
In Clerkenwell we see,
On the Parish Vesteree.

Mr. Lowell having made
Up his mind-up his mind
To Lord Rectorship evade,
Has resigned-has resigned,
Though the hope of all and each
Is, they say-is, they say,
That he '11 go and make a speech
Any way-any way.
An universal sys-
Tem of buoys-tem of buoys
They've decided on, and this
By a church just consecrated

An escape is celebrated
From assassin execrated
That destroys-that destroys.
And, oh! these grim phenomena
Are just a trifle common
Than one would wish to see
In a large communitee.

Old masters they unfurl,
With some nous-with some
On the classic walls of Burl-
Ington House-ington House.
For to say the Grosv'nor shirks
Would be bosh-would be
While it shows such splendid
By Sir Josh-by Sir Josh;
They who smash and rifle one's
Should from your fists (and
Suffer knocks-suffer knocks;
In Soudan they'll cease their
Which they'll leave it to the
And the Bobbies have their
'Spite of mock-'spite of mock.
And these are the phenomena
Related by a common,
To fill the souls with glee
Of the whole communitee,

IRONY OF FATE.-A little boy named Steel was charged the other
day with begging. Very fortunate for him to be charged only with begging,
since, upon the face of it, it was a case of Steel.

JANUARY 16, 1884.


The Only Remedy.
A certain weekly Tory review says, "The prospects of 1884 seem very
gloomy indeed. How will it end? But if, casting aside all
selfishness and apathy, we work hard, and unite all men against the
attack of the Radical enemy, then 1884 will witness the downfall of Mr.
Gladstone, and it will end more happily than it has begun."
"THE year commences sadly," says the Whalsitsname Review
(A Tory "Jeremiah publication),
The outlook of the youthful year it vows is rather blue,
And it mourns about this nation's degradation.
It asks, How will it end, this very gloomy '84?
Ah, that," (it adds with sorrow) is the question,"
And then it weeps and fidgets in a manner very sore,
In a sort of journalistic indigestion.
And it talks as though we shortly should behold the British
Crown fall,
Unless we fight together to cause Mr. Gladstone's downfall.
It doesn't ask that Randolph should be taught to utter sense
(A matter that 'he really stands in need of),
It doesn't ask that Salisbury should act with less pretence,
And should modify his rashness," that we read of;
It doesn't ask that Parliament should try in '84
To be free from that Fourth Party's frequent "larking,"
It doesn't crave that shelter should be found" for London's
(But that, perhaps, is hardly worth remarking);
It asks not that John Bull should on the Premier let his
frown fall:
Only one thing will content it, that is, "Mr. Gladstone's
But how shall we o'erthrow him? Shall we butter him a
And thus upset this statesman who 's so wiry ?
Shall we run him down to Greenwich Park and stand a donkey
Taking care the "moke" 's untamed and very fiery?
Shall we knock him o'er the mazzard with some tree he's
lately felled ?
('T would be the way to stop his mocking laughter),
For according to that journal we shall shortly be compelled
Thus to act, if we'd '" live happy ever after."
It is kind, though, of that paper, not to let this wicked town
Its prescription's very modest-only "Mr. Gladstone's down-

COMING TO THE "FAURE."-Electric lighting.

Irate Cabby.-"'ERE, I SAY, WOT'S THIS 'ERE?"
Portly Party (gruffly).-" FARE I"

I WENT in a hansom and a humble spirit, Sir, yearning for informa-
tion on a game of which I knew little. I had some idea what a match
meant, but as to what a tourna-ment-especially "with the spot-stroke
bard," an additional feature as to which a friend informed me on our
way to the Aquarium-I had only the very vaguest notion. In my own
mind, in fact, I presumed the spot-stroke bard" to be a retired marker,
with a rolling eye and a beard, taking his cues from current billiard
events, and giving to the world such appropriate effusions as "An Ode
to the Crimson Sphere of Destiny," The Baulker Baulked," "Oh, for
the Hazard of it! "On the Strict Cue T.," "Out, Damned Spot!" and
so on; and I was quite disappointed when, on inquiry, I found that no
"pocket" edition of this bard's works had been published.
Now that I know my supposed bard is a mere past-participle, not
a poet at all, I am thinking of starting as a Billiard Bard myself, and
have already written a lyric commencing, "Break, break, break on thy
Cold Slate Bed, 0 Peall! This is by the way, however, and it is time
I reached the scene of the contest, with a view of marking for myself the
peculiarities and humours of the game.
[My friend interferes here to protest against me doing anything of the
kind. At billiards, he tells me, you never "mark" for yourself, but
leave it to the marker. I forgot to ask him if you are at liberty to
"re-mark" on your own account; it is only re-asonable you should be.]
I am not a billiard player of note, Sir, as I have said, though I have
for many years been aware (and have tried to teach my domestics) of
the truth of the saying, "Who breaks, pays."
There! exclaimed my companion, as we took our seats overlooking
the verdant field where so many champions have plucked "green baize"
to bind about their victorious brows. There! Roberts has just given
his first miss." "Has he ?" I returned, standing up to see the presenta-
tion. "Well, what has he given the young lady?" But loud and

angry cries of "Sit down in front I" and "Shut up !" caused me to
instantly relapse into silence and my seat.
I was still puzzling out the reason of Mr. Roberts making his dona-
tion in public, when the intimation that Collins "had just made a
cannon," followed by affirmative cries of "Played, indeed!" induced
me to whisper the query to my friend, "Then they play billiards with
cannon-balls, eh ? But before I could receive an answer, I was further
puzzled at hearing that Roberts, who appeared to me to be scoring as
fast as ever he could, was putting on a break."
"A continuous break, of course?" I asked. "Yes, yes," ejaculated
my companion. "It's the break of the evening, if I'm not mistaken."
Now, I'd heard of daybreak, though I'd never seen it; but "evening-
break" seemed such a novelty that I determined to write to the Meteoro-
logical Society about it.
Strange to say, the more Mr. Roberts put on the break," the faster
he went; so the billiard break must be so called on the lucus a non
principle. The longer I stayed, Sir, the more puzzled did I become.
Thus, a player is allowed to baulkk" his opponent as much as ever
he can. Fancy a runner baulkingg" his rival, though, or a bowler, or
an oarsman!
Again, this is about the only game where you need not mind your
p's and q's; or, at any rate, there is no reason to mind your "cues," for
the marker most attentively looks after them for you.
Another billiard paradox is, that whenever a player called for "a
rest," he at once essayed to make a more than usually difficult stroke,
instead of sitting down and taking his rest" like a sensible man.
Again, professional "billiardists" are not at all the "cue"-rious lot
you would expect to see. My friend goes so far as to say they are noted
for their "good form" many of them, but this is going rather too far.
I have no notion how the tournament ended, but have, at any rate, the
satisfaction that I have seen some really "immense" cannons, as well
as a selection of the game's "big guns." It's no wonder the affair
" went off" so well, is it?

g To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they bc ret rmid unlns
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.





A Genuine Offer.
THE hull of the brig Providence, which ran ashore near the South
Foreland, has been sold by auction for four and sixpence.
This is cheap. We will take the entire British mercantile navy at
similar prices-or, stay a bit: it isn't worth while to wreck them: we
will say another eighteenpence on each if sent in in seaworthy condi-
tion, carriage paid. Cargoes can be left inside. Address FUN Office,
153 Fleet Street. And-we'll tell you what: when we are in possession
of the mercantile navy, and it becomes our business, we will introduce
a startling innovation, a thing unheard of-namely, some kind of pro-
tection for it in case of war.
Our action may be considered peculiar-nay, verging on the insane-
but we will take care that that "fast Russian armed cruiser," designed
to "hover about the trade-routes and sink every British merchant vessel
she catches sight of," shall find it rather warm work, and wish she could
sail twice as fast.
So, while we're about it, just let 'em lay down a couple of dozen fast-
armed cruisers (only more so than the Sabiaka) at, say, ten shillings
apiece; and we '11 pay on delivery. We don't think we '11 take the
present British Navy; no, it's hardly up to the style of thing we require.
There are one or two ships we don't mind saying half a crown for.

The Millennium, by George!
HOORAH and hooray! and bravo! and hooroar!
There's nobody needn't be poor any more !
The land 's to be taken an' give to the State,
An' the rent's to perwide us our livingses, mate.
It's a beautiful thing, and you needn't pooh-pooh it,
For Mr. H. George is a-going to do it.
A hundred a year for our widows ('t ain't bad)!
A dowry for every daughter, my lad !
Each orphan took care of, and, pain to assuage,
Perwision perwided for all our old age.
So let us make.haste and, in every quarter,
Be old, or an orphan, or widow, or daughter.
Do more than earn bread we've no need for to try,
We needn't get scrapin' an' putting it by ;"
Our widows and children perwided with pelf,
We needn't work more than for bread for ourself.
But who '11 make the bread Mr. George don't explain us-
'T will grow upon trees, p'r'ps, or spring up spontan'us.

the Pie

ALFRED BIRD & SONS, Birmiailghan. will send on receipt of HayV met
address, post-free. PASTRY AND SWEETS."-A Little leal pld
Work containing Practical Hints and Original Recipes for amrolddbi
Tasty Dishes for thie Dinier and Suppejr Table. SimplaBo

Cocoa thickens in the *,f
cup, It proves the ad. RER| I I
ditlon of Starch.

London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors, by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 16th, x884.

JANUARY 23, 1884. F T TlN 31


/________________ ___ ___ ______ _____ ii


OH, Solomon! cried Mrs. Blunderberry, with a sob, I do wish
you would manage to get home from the City in good time."
"Good time!" repeated her lord, pushing away his plate, with the
bacon untasted, and pressing his hands to his forehead, where the pain
was. "Do you think a City man goes by clockwork? Do you fancy
that a Blunderberry is only a couple of cog-wheels, a spring, and a lever?
Got a notion business is done by turning a handle and lilting a crank ?
I tell you what it is, Mrs. B., with your ideas of the manner in which
the commercial integrity of the British Isles is maintained, you only
want to be planted in a dirty office up a dingy court, with two old quill
pens and a crooked ruler, to be worth ten thousand a year."
Well, but-Solomon," said his better half, musingly, as she sprinkled
salt over the jam ; "but haven't you got to know about the things that
go up and down-the shares and things, I mean ?"
Oh! what a wife I have! exclaimed Mr. Blunderberry. What
a woman for intricate calculation! What a brain for figures I Yes,
ma'am, you 've only got to understand the noble pastime of see-saw,-
here we go up, up, up; here we go down, down, down. Oh, my head 1"
And Mr. Blunderberry groaned, and made a face at the coffee-pot.
Poor Solomon What can I do for you? said his wife, fluttering
round to his side with the jam-pot.
"Leave me alone, d' ye hear? Just leave me alone. Do you think
a man with his head in a whirl with figures and calculations-and other
things-wants a woman pirouetting round him the next morning? Do
you think it's a wife's duty to turn herself into a teetotum ? Got an idea
that Blunderberry's better half ought to twirl like a Catherine-wheel ?"
You shouldn't work so hard, dear," cooed his sympathizing spouse.
"It was shocking the state you came home in last night."
Eh cried her husband. "What?? Do you suppose I married
you, Mrs. B., in order that you might make insulting personal remarks
about your marital superior ? Do you think anything short of a rock-
drill and a hundredweight of dynamite will force the fact into your mind

that I was detained in the City on business? I repeat, on business,
Mrs. Blunderberry !"
"Then I suppose if you're so busy, you want to get to the office
early this morning, Solomon ?" said his wife. And there goes your
"Let it go I" cried her husband, defiantly. "Do you think the
giant intellect of a Blunderberry is to be shackled by a licensed to carry
twelve inside and ten out ? Do you think the mind of your lord and
master is to be fettered by threepence all the way ?-No, Mrs. Blunder-
berry-no I Give me the telegraph forms, and I'll send a message to
say I shan't be at the office till the afternoon. Britons never will be
slaves, least of all a Blunderberry. Oh, my head And after working
till midnight, Mrs. B., I need repose-repose I and Mr. Blunderberry
flung himself on the sofa,
I'd better empty his great-coat pockets," murmured the good lady
softly. "They seem rather bulgy." And she turned out three cigars, a
lobster-claw, and a theatre pass.

Not Right in the Main.
THE Herne Bay Water Company were on Saturday, I2th inst., fined
five pounds and costs for failing to keep their water-mains charged.
This is, we believe, the only instance on record of a water company
failing to charge sufficiently. According to the Dobbs decision and
other cases, their plan is invariably to overcharge.

Advertising Novelty.
IN consequence of the locality of the house not being generally known,
the Novelty Theatre has placarded the hoardings with a small map of
the immediate district of that theatre. There can be no doubt that this
is a good "plan to get the people there.

VOL, XXXIX.-NO. 976.

32 FTJ

TOotL's.-" As I was a-sayin' last week, Mr Law's new piece at
this house, in spite of some weakness and reminiscence, is very funny
and clever, and Mr. Toole
makes you die a-laughing
-with his comical ways and
words, old and new. Mr.
^I Ward is very pleasant in a
I sketchy character founded on
I a good notion; Mr. G. Shel-
S ton, as our old friend, :the
bibulous and acquisitive
I brother of the scheming lady,
gives a capital rendering of a
i bit of character, and the half-
i dozen ladies named after the
second and following days of
a. .the week (if there had been
a son, he would, of course,
TOOLES.-THE MESMERIST-(OBSERVE HER have been christened Son-
MtSMEi-EVES. day), though most of them
are quite subordinate charac-
ters, have not a stick among them, and, besides being funny in them-
selves, are the cause of much fun in others. When Mr. Ward is vacil-
latingly doubtful which he wants to marry (it should be Weddings-day,
I take it), and Mr. Toole tells him to "name the day, and stick to it,"
and when the latter gentleman expresses his disinclination towards one
of the ladies because "Friday's such an unlucky day,"-my, how you
laugh Lots of wheezes "on these names will be worked up, no doubt,
as time goes on: somebody will want to take a Monday out," I should
say, or enjoy a "Saturday half-holiday," and so on; each young lady
might have as her favourite some paper, too, published on her own par-
ticular day-Miss Tuesday enjoys her FUN, of course. Well, Rosher-
ville may be
the place i I
to spend a ._ '
happy day;" .' "
but Toole's -.-' ',. '
is the spot o ,- t;*--.-
for those
who wish to -
seeadelight- L, V < .
ful week, '
the days in .'V, 4 "
it are plea- I
sant ones, -.-, "
"dua day dor
a thundery ,"
day, or even IN THE FOREGROUND.
a fast day,
among them; all are bright, sparkling, sunshihy, exhilarating days, and
will bring up the mercury of the spirits in a flash from the underside of
THE GLOBE.-The Glass of Fashion (" in spite of first night criticism
and first night 'omens' ") having been withdrawn, its place has been taken
by a new three-act piece by Mr. Pinero, which seems likely (if first
night omens go for anything) to speedily make way for something
else. It is the fashion (started by the remarkable resemblance of Mr.
Pinero's first big success, The Squire, to something else), whenever Mr.
Pinero pre-
S S tr 'Y /} sents a piece
'' for public ap-
| +;P' A --/'^ proval, to im-
,. immediately ex-
S claim,"Now,
"let's see
I where he got
S. it from;" con-
11, .sequently,
S. _' ,,' i ,,' ) nobody will
I I I I -' be surprised
to find Steer-
S forth and
,Little Em ly
(more or less
ToR GLOBE.-Low WATER AND HIGH TIED. in disguise) in
Low WFater;
not even when, at the end, we find Steerforth turning into Eugene
Wrayburn, and Little Em'ly into Lizzie Hexham. For my own part,
I don't so much object to meet them; I'd ten thousand times sooner


*N o JANUARY 23, 1884.

find the essence of a novelist's character embodied in a strong play than
a feeble dramatization of a novel (and dramatizations of novels are
generally more or less feeble). "The pity of it" is, though, in this case
that Mr. Pinero has wilfully played fast and loose with his characters;
his play is a wild nightmare of misapplied cleverness, and it cuts one to
the heart to find brilliant wit, true pathos, and tender poetry robbed of
their effect by a most extraordinary misconception of human nature.
Given all this, however, the behaviour of a certain portion of the audi-
ence is hard to explain. Surely
they cannot think a dramatic -
author deliberately fails to
please them; on no other
hypothesis can the cruel at-
tempt to call him on solely to
wound his already sufficiently
chagrined feelings be ex-
plained. Hiss his play, by all
means, if it is a bad one, but
temper justice with mercy, .
and stop there. ,

The piece had the advan-
tage of a very reasonably good
cast-in individual cases, one
of marked excellence. No- OPERA COMIQOUE.-LOTTA AS "THE MAR-
thing, for instance, could be CHIONESS "-A NICE PART TO AL-LOTTA I
better than Mr. Carton's ren-
dering of the cool cynical Q.C. The part is not, truly, of a difficult
class; but it presents pitfalls, nevertheless, of exaggeration and so on,
which Mr. Carton was very dexterous in avoiding. Mr. C. Cartwright,
too, is an excellent delineator of a "wicked young man," natural in
style, and showing a healthy avoidance of over-colour, although with a
tendency to drop into too low a tone of voice at times. Mr. J. L.
Young's old Linklater was full of observation and character. Mr.
Hamilton Bell is just cut out by nature (and isn't likely to be cut out by
any one else) for the boyish Josey. Mr. Gardener's Skilliter, though
but a small part, was very soundly and truthfully played; and Messrs.
Chevalier, Smily, and Squire were capital in small parts. Mr. J. L.
Shine's Dicky Smallpage was a dapper little performance, invested with
a tinge of humour and a tinge of seriousness in the proper places. The
ladies scarcely showed up so well. Miss Daly had nothing to do; Miss
Compton has scarcely yet conquered a certain hardness which has
hitherto characterized her style, and which seems most pronounced in
her dealing with pathos-it is becoming subdued, however, I think-
and her diction is admirable : a very difficult little speech, in its way-
her description of the disposition of the supper-table-was given with
skilful emphasis, and the performance was otherwise of excellence. Some
defects in the character of Rosamond prevented the full appreciation of
the very winning and sympathic rendering of it by Miss Abington.
OPERA COMIQUE.-I went to see Lotta as Nell and the Marchioness
on the second night. The stalwart policemen who held guard on the
previous evening had gone home, so I groaned, and hissed, and cat-
called, and said, "How's your deceased wife's sister?" and sang "We
won't go home till morning," and po-
litely remarked Good evening" when -
Nell died, and never a soul to say me
nay. If first-nighters" really want
to enjoy themselves thoroughly, let
them take my advice and become
" second-nighters I"

It is related of the late Charles
Dickens that, witnessing on one occa- I
sion an unauthorized adaptation of one
of his novels, he very early in its career '
cowered to the floor of his box, covering
his ears, and groaning, and imploring
his friend to tell him when it was "all"
over,beingpresumablytheheartless mur-
der of his innocent creation. The more THE STRAND. HERE WE ARE
than usually disjointed production in AGAIN." (SEE OUR ISSUE FOR
which Miss Lotta now disports herself O, THE MODERN MINNIE-SINER.
reminds one forcibly of this anecdote
-" Oh, Mr. Dickens, what would your pa say? Why Old Curiovity
Shbop at all, any way ? Why doesn't Miss Lotta go on and do her little
hornpipe, eccentric kicks, drapery high-hitches, and comic songs, and
never "give it a name" at all? or why doesn't she get a play with a
character called Miss Lotta in it, and play it ? She'd do it well. She's
clever-exceedingly clever-quaint, exhilarating, and a decided artist-
in her way; but she discounts those attributes heavily when she appears
in characters utterly foreign to her style.
All about Minnie Palmer next week. NESTOR.

JANUARY 23, 1884. FrUN.

"Polymorphe." \\ t 1
"The hospital, of which one hall is to be transformed into a theatre,
is that of St. Louis in the Rue Blichat, and the opera, of which the first i
and only performance will be given at ten o'clock this evening, is called \ i I

the conductor of the orchestra is a medical man, and the members of the -
orchestra and the actors are either doctors or medical students." /
THANKS, Saint Louis, for that thing I
Of mad dreams-a new idea: \.-l.- LL I.
To benevolently bring /
Ailing Thespis to Hygeia; t, -
To relieve her from the throes -t .
Caused by comic song concoctors, (' -""v V,'__'.
And allow her find repose .
In the ditties of the doctors.
When the Muse was poor and gay,
Beggars' Operas elated
Humour needs to be to-day '
Like a tumour, operated. ,
When the burlesque rhymelets halt,
And the Scala scrannel screeches,
And all Art wants blood and salt,
.Let's rely upon the leeches.
Their prescriptions, with their frills,
Shall combine to cure, console us; '
Pizzicato we'll take pills, I i
With a ballad gulp a bolus. ..
Thumb on pulse and thumb on string
Of their viols, they will lead us:
If we don't like what they sing, I'i
Why, despite No fees, they '11 bleed us! ,j
They will drive a big drum daft ,
To arouse an opiumed-doser; _- I
They 'll compose a sleeping draught
To help some bear the composer.
And, albeit as a saint,
For his screed's sake he may grieve, he .
Will ordain when people faint, --
There's enough recitativi.
Ah, what scores of healing art! MAKING AN IMPRESSION.
Icicle or salamander, She (softly)-" I SHALL NEVER FORGET TIllS NIGHT-AND THIlS BALL."
As the Diva treats your heart, He (tenderly).-TELL ME-WIHY? She.-" AND TIIAT LAST WALTZlI"
Or the tenors raise your dander. He.-" You DELIGHT ME She.-" AND You!"
Scores to drown or draw out, Hie.-"g You ENTRANCE ME! THEN I IIAVE IMPRESSED YOU?"
Scores for w e t an ,or weighty; She (more softly than ever).-" YES I YOU'VE ABOUT SMASIIHED TWO
Made by four scores to reach eighty. OF MY ToEs I
But the doctor who beats time,
For a time-too oft rehearses; Honesty Rewarded.
And a mute's his foremost mime, THE other day an English labourer found a lost post-bag, and he was rewarded
Though he may need singing nurses, with five shillings. The parsimony which is apparent has been made much of by
Let him have the science pure certain Radical organs; but after all, when one comes to look at it, was the reward
HeOf a Handel and a Harley, an out-of-the-way one ? The letters were the property of the Crown, and the finder
But he's sure of thefinale. was naturally rewarded by the crown.

"Mr. Barnum's white elephant arrived January 16th."-Vi c Daily Prcss.




STN JANUARY 23, i884.


I-v -; 11 -

Tir fact is, this syslcin of pecunia'y incentive to recruiting, which is being extended far and wide among the various classes of our social system, bids fair to
undermine thle very foundations of social life. Before long, when Brown and Jones meet, they will simultaneously button each other and begin: By the way, have
you considered the advantages of joining the arm--?" And ever after they will avoid one another like a plague.
Fi, -.I I_ __- f- t ," .-- _. ==

We tell you solemn'y it is extending to all classes You will be unexpectedly
gratified by an invitation to dinner Irom the duke down the street;

And after dinner his Grace will most condescendingly draw lhis chair close to yours,
and begin : Let me lay before you a few of the advantages of a martial career--"
And if he proselytises you, his Grace will get-say a fiver-from the Authorities.

_FTJN ,-JANUARY 23, 1884.

L -M_ b
^ni .... ,Mb


(See Cartoon.)
DANCE a baby-diddy;
What shall nanny do widdy ?
She'll stop its cries,
And wipe its eyes,
And make it look neat and tiddy.
Precious as a guinea,
She'll find it a nice clean pinny,
And wash its face,
And say its grace,
And give it some pap for dinny.
She'll let no old fogey
Or horrible ugly bogey
Walk in at night,
To give a fright
To her beautiful roguey-poguey.
What if Nursey Francey
Is tumming along by chance,
And wants to swing
Ze ickle sing,
And give it a nicey dancey?
If she does, its nanny
Will tell her at once she canny;
Ze pet says, No,
Don't want to go;"
So please, Missy France, you shanny


JANUARY 23, 1884.

NEw SERIES, NO. 4. AIR-" Don't you believe it."
: told ba female

Don't you believe
it, don't you be-
lieve it
(Unless you have
reason to credit
the tale),
Don't you believe
it, dear boys.
If a party informs
i you, pretending
to know,
't That Australian
Females increas-
Iingly grow-
..II (Unless you have
reasons for

Don't you believeDon't you believe
it, dear boys.
If I say, as a bard, Water Co.s do die hard,
And their impudent shiftiness cloys-
(Unless you've a clte to its being quite true)
Don't you believe it, dear boys.
If over a statement you happen to come-
Don't you believe it, don't you believe it-
Of the pow'rs and demands of humanity's turn,"
Don't you believe it, dear boys.
And don't you believe that its cravings you '11 dam
(Unless you are certain) by acres of jam;
If it isn't a "story," it's clearly a "cram "-
Don't you believe it, dear boys.
If St. Andrews they say has elected Lord kIeay,
And a Liverpool failure made noise
(Unless you 'e a clte to its being quite true),
Don't you believe it, dear boys.
If a party comes up ind politely opines-
Don't you believe it, don't you believe it-
That the Barnet prize-fighters were let off with fines,

But (barring you're sure that it isn't a "hum ")
Don't you believe it, dear boys.
I 'e heard (through the trade) there's a Canton blockade,
And that Egypt no longer enjoys
Kartoum ; but (ij you are not sure that it's true)
Don't you believe it, dear boys.
They say Wilson Barrett a matij/e stood:
Don't you believe it, don't you believe it
(Unless you're quite sure that he has been so good),
Don t you believe it, dear boys.
A Princess they have at the Royal-no less,
And some one or other, I artfully guess,
Will get up and call her the "Royal" Princess-
Don't you believe it, dear boys?
In the Mansion House Hall they'd a juvenile ball;
The "Dust-box Decree" France enjoys-
(Unless you've a clue for believing it true)-
Don't you believe it, dear boys.

Something to Resolve.
DEAR us, how oddly things happen sometimes! There was a man
taken up the other day for popping around the street with a revolver :
it was Richard Sheridan, and he said he was shooting at a star! Only
fancy, to begin with, a party with that theatrically-flavoured name shoot-
ing at a "star "! But that isn't all. What name do you think the
policeman who arrested this "popping" gentleman bore? 'Why, James
"Pop "ham, to be sure I And where do you think he arrested him?
Dear! dear! Why, in "Pop "lar, of all places I But even that isn't
all. One of the bullets crashed through a gentleman's bed-room window,
and (naturally) embedded itself in the wall; and-oh, my !-where do
you think that gentleman lived ? You '11 never guess. Why, if it wasn't
in Gun Lane! There What a lot of funny jokes some people would
make about this incident I

FORTUNE had a bad time of it with him. It so happened that she
was in a particularly bad temper when she caught sight of him, and so
she at once made a dead set at him with a determination to keep it up
for good. Now, at the moment of her catching sight of him he was
very nicely dressed, and looked comfortable and prosperous ; there
were no holes in his shoes, and his hat was nicely brushed the right
way, and not an atom of oil or ink on it either. We '11 just change
all this finery," she murmured-and even as she spoke he went into his
lodgings. And when the gloomy shades of evening had fallen, he
emerged again-but, oh, how changed There were patches on his
boots now, and ink and oil on his hat ; there was a desolate glimmer
along the seams of his coat, and the chink of pocketsful of loose coppers
-the unfailing accompaniment of the movements of the wealthy-was
wanting. "Ha! ha! this is better I" murmured spiteful Fortune, as
her victim slouched along in the darkness with a small bundle under
his arm, and entered the nearest pawnbroker's.
But the queer thing about it was that the sad change in circumstances
did not appear to depress the victim in the least; on the contrary, there
was a deep and self-satisfied twinkle in his eye.
Eh ? Doesn't mind it, eh ? Not down' enough yet ? We must
pile it on a bit more," she said. And as she spoke the victim took off
his miserable coat and boots, left them with the pawnbroker, and made
his way toward the unpleasant haunts of the squalid and the vicious.
"For," murmured Fortune, "we'll see how he enjoys herding with
that sort of company."
But, strange to say, the victim continued obviously contented. Very
good," said Fortune, "we'll go a step further." And at these words
the unfortunate man plunged desperately into a baker's, stole a loaf,
was marched off to the magistrate, and sentenced to three weeks with
hard labour. And Fortune attended daily at the prison to deride her
victim; but there was growing into her mind a sad impression that she
was being played with in some queer way, for-there could no longer
be any doubt about it-the victim liked it.
It's too spitefully provoking," said Fortune; "I declare I won't be
laughed at so, I won't! We 'll see how he enjoys mud-plunging."
And, sure enough, as soon as the victim had served his bit, out he
came, painted his nose starvation blue, and proceeded slowly along the
gutter, dismally whining Tidings of comfort and joy." But every
now and then the victim was obliged to retire to some sequestered corner
to hide the satisfied twinkle of his eye.
Yes, he was enjoying himself-it was too much. In vain Fortune
conducted him to horrible East-end lodging-houses and dark arches, and
made him pass nights there ; sent him off for long terms of penal servi-
tude; starved him; kicked him through the medium of beadles and
policemen; refused him parochial relief-he SMILED I-he LIKED
it He absolutely revelled in the conversation of the lowest of the low
and the squalidest of the squalid ; a night on the staircase of a horrible
lodging-house filled him with the liveliest satisfaction ; he hugged him-
self when the police moved him on, and could hardly contain his joy
when they ran him in; and the way he beamed upon the treadmill,
winked at his oakum and his crank, gloated over his workhouse skilly,
stroked and arranged his rags-it really was-there--!


"What a nasty, wicked, aggravating, horrid wretch you are !"
screamed Fortune, appearing to him. "Can't I do anything that will
make you miserable ?"
"I really do not see any plan open to you, ma'am," replied the
"You unreasonable, inhuman thing said Fortune. Here have
I been trying all I know to cast you down, and-I could positively
cry. Why, everybody but you dreads squalor, and misery, and--"
"Quite so, madam," said the victim; "but, you see, I am a NEWS-
Why-why didn't you say so at first ? screamed Fortune. And
she went into hysterics.

WIT should be thought about, humour laughed at.

38 F] N JANUARY 23, 1884.



*. r- i_ _. "'T"'___
Every Orphan shall be provided with a Dower Every Man shall have a Masher Collar, an Income Every Widow shall have ioo a year I In view or
and a Dress Improver at the expense of the for Life, and a Copy of Mr. George's immortal work, the anticipated increase of mortalityamonghusbands,
State. Progress and Poverty." every husband shall protect himself as he can.

AN extraordinary incident happened the other day in the case of a
gentleman resident in one of the suburbs of London. Having left his
city office at the customary hour
K.-:,, -about five p.m.-he proceeded-
in complete safety by train to the
.' -. suburban station about a mile from
his residence. There he alighted,
Sand proceeded on foot to his villa,
arriving, entirely uninjured, in time
for dinner.
H--e positively states that, al-
though the road he took was only
-- lighted by the ordinary street
lamps, assisted by an unbroken
line of shops, and although he only
encountered about one person to
every two steps, he was not mo-
lested in any way, nor left for dead
at any single point of the route.
On his arrival at home, both his
wife and the other members of his
family carefully examined his head,
.\x^ but failed to find any marks of
flint-stones or bludgeons, while his
watch, purse, and pin were safely
.in their respective positions. We
need hardly add that his arrival
... caused the utmost surprise and joy
,to his family, although he had no
.. little difficulty at first in persuading
them that he really was himself.
The affair has occasioned much rejoicing in his road.

A surprising teat, which speaks well or the courage of the sex, was
performed lately by a lady resident in the neighbourhood of Clapham.
Having paid a visit to a friend next door, and prolonged her stay to a
hazardously late hour-about 4.30 p.m.-she suddenly realized, with
much consternation, the necessity for her return home. As it was
already getting dusk, the perilous nature of the enterprise may be easily
imagined, while we need hardly say that the seven gentlemen who
happened to be in the house at the time were unwilling to face the
extreme risk to themselves which would arise from any attempt to escort
her home. After several vain endeavours to lift her over the garden
wall, squeeze her through a hole in the palings, and introduce her into
her home by way of the chimneys, the lady-a woman of great deter-
mination-decided to attempt the journey to next door by way of the
public street. She was accordingly escorted as far as the hall-door by
the gentlemen, and then made a dash down the steps, through the gate,
and headed in the direction of next door, the seven gentlemen holding
the door ajar on the chain to watch her progress. The journey teemed
with the most exciting incidents, nine distinct attempts being made to

rob and injure her; but, strange to say, she arrived at her destination
with but trifling injuries. It is believed that there are dangerous
characters hanging about the neighbourhood.

Messrs. Jones, Brown, Robinson, Smith, and friends have succeeded
in forcing their way home from the -- Theatre in the Strand to the
nearer end of Pall Mall. Scouts having been thrown out ten paces in
advance, the main body, armed with sword-sticks and knuckledusters,
advanced in close order down the centre of the roadway, and experienced
some severe fighting at various points. They, however, arrived at their
destination-the Desperadoes' Club-with the loss of a few watches, and
some more or less severe contusions.

Peerage Protection.
"The Lord Mayor, speaking the other day of the Bill for the Abolition of the City
Guilds, said he had confidence in the wisdom and patriotism of the House of Lords,
that they would make short work of the Bill that might be introduced. The City of
London would appeal to the House of Lords to," &c., &c.
0 GUILDS! said Fowler, "calm your woes,
Fear not the Corporation's foes ;
The value of their threatened Bill
We quickly shall reduce to nil:
For when the Commons dare bring in
This measure that is fraught with sin,
Let them for utter rout prepare-
We '11 ask the Lords to help us-There "
It is as though some urchin, caught
In doing what he "didn't ought,"
Exclaimed, "You see, I'll fetch (boohoo!)
My great big brother out to you "
So doubtless Firth andall his set
Will tremble at this "bogey threat;
Perhaps they'll shrink and cry Oh, don't !
Oh, spare us I" or-perhaps they won't.

"Cave !"
A WEEKLY journal says, "The margin left to the Government, it the
Tory party votes together and is joined by the Parnellites, is not very
large-certainly not more than thirty-and there may well be fifteen or
sixteen Members ready to form a cave.'" From this it would infer
that some people expect the Government to "cave in."

Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
In sivility thair iz a happy medyum. Sivility, karried to the extream,
iz tew be abjured ; but, on the uther hand, insivility it iz unessesery tew
diskowntenense. Thare air a serten number ov people who ken never
sai "No" without "Konfownd yer."
It iz az well to rekerrlekt that we must awl ov us maik konsesshuns
at times. If we wair awl to hev our wais, it wood never rane.

JANUARY 23, 1884.

A Carol of Colours.
A CAROL of colours I fain would sing,
Of hues now in vogue for ladies' dress;
Of tints adopted in Fashion's Ring "
(A mysterious circle, I must confess).
Bold is the bard who would dare to rhyme
On ladies' apparel-all flounce and frill-
For the feminine garb of the present time
Most men with dismay and with awe would fill;
But I 'll try to describe, with a reverent air,
The last new colours for ladies' wear.
These divers colours of mystic shade
Have titles at which you will be appalled:
There is "rotten orange" and "currant decayed,"
And "unripe gooseberry" one is called;
" Terra-cotta," crushed strawberry, and brick red"
(Most mortar-fying this.last, I wot),
" Ciel" blue-which is heavenly," so 't is said-
And "wine colour" also, and pray wi(ne) not?
"Nile green" is a hue, too, that mention claims
(One would think 't were but suites to se-nile dames).
Then there's "bullock's blood" (ugh! we have ne'er beef-fore
A name so horrible chanced to see);
A dress of this colour need have no gore,-
It has gore enough, as you '11 all agree;
And elephant's breath is in vogue just now,
And Cheveux de la Reine (which is damp, I guess),
And "dogs' ears," a colour which, you '11 allow,
Has been hitherto found more in books than dress;
And Cafi-au-lait" is a tint of the day
I must not forget in my little lay.
There's "maize "-that a-maize-s (excuse the joke!)
And another that surely would fog" a few,
Named Fumte de Londres, or London smoke,"
While scarce a meat colour is butcher's blue."
We shall doubtless have other strange tints ere long,
Such as "half-boiled carrot," "potato steam,"
"Red herring," "mashed turnip," or "cabbage gone wrong,"
Or "mouldy cheese," or "curded cream,"-
But, there 1 I've perhaps had enough to say,
Though you '11 own this is rather a "hues "-ful lay I

"DAVID BRACE, nine years of age, in answer to the coroner, said if
he told a lie he would be punished by the policeman.
"William Lambert, a lad, believed that if he told a lie he would be
punished by Mr. Jones, the schoolmaster.
"THE CORONER. And who else? WITNESS. My father.
"CORONER. No one besides? &c., &c."-Newstayer.

In view of the system of catechism by coroners and magistrates, we
beg to append a few handy and correct answers to be learned by heart
by British youth
._ of "tender age"
all over the
iness for pro-
duction at the
i I courts. Our
R (r youngsters may
\ rely upon the
I trustworthiness
and strict adhe-
sion to fact in
BO. these answers,
which will be
found most use-
ful in showing at
a glance that the
young gentlemen are "fly" to the strength of their position, and not to
be terrified out of their rights.
MAGISTRATE (or CORONER). Do you know the nature of an oath ?
Boy. Yus. We uses 'em all day long down our alley. Some calls
'em "foul language." You can shout it out all day long, in the streets
or wherever you likes; and the law'11 wink at it, and dig yer in the ribs.
MAGISTRATE. Do you know what a lie is?
Bov. Reether. Tells lots on 'em.
MAGISTRATE. What will be done to you it you tell a lie?
Boy. Nuffmin. You'll tell mother to give me a wollopin'; an' then



Waitress.-"'MASHED,' SIR?"

she '11 hike'me 'ome and try it on ; and I shall give 'er a black eye with
a stone or a saucepan, or p'r'aps fracter 'er skull.

up to all manner o' larks-such as blindin' people with lime.
MAGISTRATE. And what punishment will follow upon that ?
BoY. Seven days' imprisonment; but I shall git let orf, 'cos I've such
a good character.
MAGISTRATE. And how will you be punished if you torture a cat or
BoY.aSixpence fine, out o' mother's savings.
MAGISTRATE. And if you stick a knife into somebod- ?
BoY. Ninepence fine, out o' mother's savings.
MAGISTRATE. And if you succeed in wrecking a railway tra- ?
BoY. Shillin' fine, out o' mother's savings.
MAGISTRATE. Under what circumstances will you be punished with
greater severity than you have yet described ?
Boy. Not under no kind on 'em. The 'Ome Sectary 'ud make it
pritty 'ot for ennybody as tried it hon.
MAGISTRATE. Do you know the meaning of the term "tender age"?
BoY. Don't I, jest? It's a term employed by mugs and softies-like
you-to indicate a cove as is old ernuf to murder an' rob, but ain't old
ernuf to be punished for it. Old Bob Sliprey, our fence, he says I'm
wuth two of yer growed-hups at lots o' lays, an' he aint sure he wouldn't
back me agin' the lot for crackin' a crib.
MAGISTRATE. One more question. What punishment would follow
upon your stealing a pennyworth of something without violence-say
because you were hungry?
Boy. Oh, that's another affair. That's a series job, that is-dessay
I 'd git a month, an' the birch rod, and three years' reformertry, an' ten
years' industrial school, and wot not, for that. That 's what you folks
calls a "crime," that is. I ain't ser green as to steal without vierlunce
-not me I
A CAMEL-TRAMWAY in Russian Asia is spoken of. More hump-bug!

W" To CORRESPONDBNTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envslofe.

40 FTUN. JANUARY 23, 1884.

"Mrs. Fenwick Miller recently stated that physical training was no less necessary for emales than mental."

WHY should not girls, as well as men, Lo I first they revel in "La Boxe," And next are two young damsels, who
Enjoy athletics now and then ? And deal each other tidy knocks;" The horizontal bar can do ;" .
"They shall," kind Mr. FUN replies; To boxing they should surely cling- To spoon" with bar-tnaids swells are prone,
So off they go for exercise. Most girls are partial to the "ring." These "' bar "-maids they 'd best leave alone.

Some fair ones "ladies' clubs" may choose, And that health's prizes may be won, The grand result one may foresee-
But Indian clubs these damsels use; These girls (like pleasing dramas) "run." Our wives will large of stature be-
And belles (not "dumb" ones) now regard And pater has to now begin Developing such width and height,
Their beauteous "biceps firm and hard. To take his spin-sters for a "spin." That husbands will seem lost to sight.

NEW LEAVES. Weal-ly Now !
"Zadkiel's Almanac (Cousins and Co.) is "up among the stars." A WEEKLY paper says, "for weal or woe, the Session of 1884 will be
"The Year Book of Photography" (Piper and Caster).-There is no a remarkable chapter in the history of the British Parliament." Now
information needful to photographers but may be found in this book. is the time then, evidently, for all true patriots to say (or sing)-
Era Almanac is full of information on theatres and theatricals. Many "Weal do our best for weal or woe.
good tales are told by men of notable names, and some curious sketches Shall we shrink back ? We woe-n't! Oh, no !
drawn by stage artists. Though Fortune's wheel strange turns may show,
The Century and St. Nicholas.-The beauty and interest of both the We weal-d our power and ne'er say woe !'"
art and literature in these magazines can scarcely be surpassed. Their
variety, too, is delightful. IN a cod-fish, which seemed rather an odd fish, an entire set of false
MAacmillan's.-Amongst other attractive articles, "The Literature of teeth was found the other day. From this it would appear that there are
Introspection will be read with profit and pleasure. dentists even in the deep," though whether the inhabitant of the briny
The Antiquary.-There is much in this magazine, both quaint and came by these toosy-pegs" dentally or acci-dentally, report sayeth not.
curious, that lovers of the antique will like. Some would doubtless consider this story too-th-in; in any case, the fish
Household Words has always something to suit every sensible one in found it so.
the household.
Macaulay's Lays of Ancient Rome," by Lord Macaulay (Longmans, "SARAH BARNUM," according to a contemporary, "is selling like
Green and Co.).-Thanks be to the publishers who lay us on such lays hot rolls in London." In Paris the book certainly played a rdle that
as Macau-lays. was not a very well-bre(a)d one.

"The CLEAN Black Lead."
-JAMES DOM oo Cadbary
Successive awards C adr
for Excellence of
Quality and C AUTION, If
Cleanliness in use. Cocoa thickens in the
BLACK LEAD cu- starch. -Coco
BEWARE of Worthless Imitations. PURE II SOLUBLE 111 REFRESHING Ia 1
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors, by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 23rd, 1884.

JANUARY 30, 1884.


-Lii"i' liwI

-,~,--- -I


'If-' _i #-


I DON'T see what there is to complain of in this weather," said Mrs.
Blunderberry, as she dropped the piece of bread she was toasting inic
the cinders. "I think it very pleasant."
"The weather will continue to appear till further notice, by the kind
permission of the wife of Solomon Blunderberry, Esquire," muttered her
lord, helping himself to the biggest sausage. "In spite of celestial
omens and newspaper criticisms, the weather has obtained an unqualified
success, and will be repeated daily during the season."
"There are primroses in flower in Devonshire, and strawberries
coming on in Cheshire, and trees budding, and-"
"And a shower of frogs in Ayrshire, and the sea serpent distinctly
viewed off the Spanish coast," interrupted Mr. Blunderberry.
"No-really?" cried his good lady, pausing in picking the cinders
off her toast, and upsetting the fire-irons in her eagerness. Then what
I say is that something must be going to happen."
"Not a doubt of it, madam ; and if nature proposes working more
miracles, I wish nature would take you in hand and endow you with
"But, Solomon, it is no laughing matter. First there were the red sun-
sets, and then there wasthe white elephant, and nowthereis that Mr. Henry
George, who wants to take everything from every one and give it to some-
body else. Such convulsions of nature must have their significance."
"Perhaps, Mrs. B., you will favour me with your views respecting
him," said Mr. Blunderberry, busy with his egg, but speaking with a
nasty emphasis which told of a coming explosion.
"Well, dear, I haven't viewed him yet, but he seems a wonderful
curiosity, though gentle and well-mannered, and of great consequence in
his own country ; but I suppose, like all of them, he can do a great deal
of mischief."
Great deal of mischief i I should rather think he could. Why, if
he were let loose to trample over the land, what would become of us,
eh, Mrs. Blunderberry? Where should we be?"
"What I say is that a monster like that ought not to be allowed to
go through the land spreading ruin and desolation."


"No, dear, of course not; but I suppose they will keep him safe in
the Zoo ; and, after all, he isn't nearly as white as he's painted, and his
Gracious goodness, woman! are you going mad? Henry George in
the Zoo! Henry George painted white! Henry George's trunk! What
is the woman talking about?"
About the elephant, dear. Weren't you ?"
"Great Jumbo!" cried Mr. B.; "you're amarvellous zoological wonder,
you are! You know everything worth knowing about four-legged beasts,
don't you? You want a cage to yourself in a menagerie ; you want a
yellow caravan wi'.h red wheels to take you round the country ; with
half a dozen coloured pictures and a big drum you'd make such a show
as was never seen in the length and breadth of this happy island."
"Which are you talking about now, dear? Mr. George? "
"No!" yelled Mr. Blunderberry, "I'm talking about a wife whose
head is like a school resurrection pie with a very thick crust, and nothing
inside but scraps, and bones, and watery gravy. A wife? Great Croesus I
-a wife who, jf she were only a widow, that man George, with his con-
founded generosity with what isn't his, would pension at a hundred a
year out of the State purse."
Is that what Mr. George says? Oh, what a nice man he must be!
At all events, he understands the needs of our sex."
Oh, that's it!" cried the master of the house with growing eloquence.
"That's the effect of this confounded American coming over here. You
want to be a widow; you 're longing to attend the funeral of your
Solomon; you pine to finger that hundred a year. Well, Mrs. Blun-
derberry, you just shan't. I 'll let you know who's master of this house;
I '11 explain to you who runs this establishment. As long as I live, Mrs.
B., you shall never-never touch that widow's pension-if I die for it."
Then Mr. Blunderberry darted from the house, to catch the morning
conveyance to the City ; while Mrs. Blunderberry looked after him sadly
through her tears.
"After all," soliloquized the good lady, drying her eyes, "I expect
Bhudda is better than George, and I shall go to see the elephant this
very afternoon ; there can't be any mistake about 1hin."

VOL. XXXIX.-NO. 977.


42 FUNTJ JANUARY 30, 1884.

tinued).-I was remarking last
week, when I was most rudely
-i interrupted (by the exigencies of
,- space), that Miss Lotta heavily
.. discounts her undoubted clever-
ness and exhilarating quaintness
It by appearing in characters so ut-
.~ terly foreign to her style as Nell
and the Marchioness in the Old
Curiosity Shop-characters, more-
over, of which everybody has long
ago conceived a settled ideal; the
struggle in the-mind to reconcile
the real (as presented by Miss
*Lotta) and the ideal (as conceived
by oneself, with the assistance of
OPERA COMIQUE.-THE BEST SALLY OF the author), "worries" dread-
THE PIECE. fully, and prevents appreciation
of what is good in both. Fancy
Little Nell with an American accent, and the Marchioness dancing a
hornpipe and a can-can? _____._

The performance in itself is very funny-I allude to the Marchioness
part of it, of course : I dismiss the Little Nell side with contumely; in
fact, I don't quite grasp what the notion or object of this double is at all,
unless it is to show how expeditiously a death scene can be worked off
when you really set your mind to it. Miss Lotta has no mercy on her
good looks in her make-up, and she 's just the dirty-faced, tattered-gar-
Smented, flappy-capped figure one con-
jures up in the mind's eye : she dances ,
that hornpipe with some quaint hu- It II
mour, and shows a sense of comicality .

all more or less thrown into the back- -.
ground; but Mr. Wyatt, of the Gaiety, .
shows some sterling acting qualities, as li '
well as his known dancing powers, as l.
Dick Swiveller; and Mr. R. Pateman .i
is rather powerful as the grim Quilp;\
Miss Coleman is an unmistakable '
Sally Brass; Mr. C. Coote is out of '
place, but not bad; and Mr. Calhaem
is out of place, and-not good! The ,1, __. *.
churchyard scene is very pretty. '

is back again. She showed some bash- NeFARIOUS SCHEME.
ful reluctance at the last moment, keep-
ing the audience waiting some half-hour or more after the advertised
time of commencement, and certain wild spirits expressed a desire for
" Lotta to fill the gap; but when the curtain went up at length all was
forgiven, apparently. Miss Palmer has toned down her exaggerations
and grimaces to some extent, and is so far improved, and to be com-
mended for intelligent reception of criticism, but I doubt if anything
would make a genuine actress of her-she hasn't a ha'porth of the
acting instinct in her composition. She is very merry, however, and an
immense favourite: a long run for
her is inevitable. A certain
'" 'youthful joyousness in her style is
'I taking; she has a rich mezzo-
i soprano voice, and doesn't always
7 *t \ sing incorrectly, and her dancing
'I -her best point-is very skilful,
1 t: 7' I i ; '- ,] exhibiting ease, grace, and finish,
and reminding us of youthful days
when quondam public favourites
S were wont to disport themselves
H upon this very stage with these
very selfsame "flaps," and
S .|. "rocks," and "high cuts," and
1. 1 '1 all the rest of it. And where are
those favourites now ?-all gone
into tragedy, or high comedy, or a
higher place still, and here comes
this light-hearted and light-heeled
THE PRINCE'S.-THE PRISONER AT THE transatlantic maiden, to remind
BAR- us what they once were, and what
they are no more, and we feel sad
and sorry, and look around for some one to plant for a drink. Our artist
is perfectly mad about her; actually he shaved and disguised himself as
a female just to get one of those portraits of her that Mr. Samuel

Walker of Regent Street was giving away to every lady who visited the
" best places" during the first week, and he wasn't a bit ashamed of it
The programme, by the way, is a
dreadful size (folded once more, it
A would have been less inconvenient,
S *''' / and I would have forgiven it, but
2 'never in its present shape, never!) It
is a pamphlet of excerpts from the
*London Press opinions of Miss Minnie
Palmer, and is embellished with an
inferior cut lent by the editor of an
obscure "so-called comic," which
pamphlet raises a yearning desire for a
-' *i companion work containing the other
part of those opinions I!!
.-e -ii \ 1' THE PRINCE's.-There is no need
to call up the spirit of exaggeration to
THE PRINCES.-BRUCF, THE Mo- describe Mr. Bruce's new theatre as a
NARCH OF THE PRINC. triumphant combination of beauty,
comfort (not to say luxury), and safety.
The theatre proper is extremely elegant and tasteful, reminding one of
the Savoy in its general arrangement, its cream and gold decorations, its
electric light and its panelled ceiling. The tone of the upholstery and
hangings (officially described as red orange) gives a cozy aspect to the
whole which is very soothing. And then the spacious corridors the
lovely foyers! just look at the ceilings !-the beautiful smoking-room
with its kiosk, looking like a gigantic birdcage with the imprisoned bar-
maids hopping about, now here, now there, like beneficent birds as
they are! And then
that delicious grotto !
Myambitionisfired; I' .L
have place hollowed -
out under the road "
just like it, at home i N' o Z
-across my front T ..d a e m
area; it's used for u. t g
coals just at present; ais, ,,.i
but I've no doubt, .o.i
with a little virgin 'I IIo r
cork, an electric light P
or two, a spasmodic
little fountain, and .o
an "IEolus Water ,/r
Spray" arrangement
I could make some- TlE PRINCE'S. ZEOLD th Are you in pain.
thing of it. But it M Fprince, that thus you do coanton yourself
won't ru to a M HILAMIR. Na, Zeolide. I do but study hnow
won't hrun to sumptu- To add another to my many attitudes
ous marble staircases Of utterly unmeaning gracefulness.
or iron curtains in my establishment.
The success of the opening programme was scarcely brilliant, although
the audience was. Mr. Sidney Grundy's clever little piece, In Honour
Bound, went smoothly, but somewhat tamely withal. Miss Helen
Matthews spoke in so low a tone as to be generally inaudible, and a music
stool broke under Miss Tilbury. The cast of the Palace of Truth was
a strong one, but somehow the right spirit seemed to be wanting. m Mr.
Anson, I think, and Mr. Maclean (generally alluded to as a "safe man,"
as though he were some relative of the celebrated Griffiths) lost none of
their points, but there
was a hasty feverish-
ness about the per-
formance of the first
act generally. After-
wards matters calmed
down a bit, and Miss
Lingard redeemed
,I very nobly and beauti-
I fully what threatened
I TEat one time to be an
r- inferior performance
,of Princess Zeolide.
Mr. Kyrle Bellew
seemed unable to curb
his admiration for the
beautiful as person-
THE GLOBE.--Our Regiment. THE EN Mo. ENID ally exemplified, and
THURSTON THURSTON FOR REVENGE. his continual postur-
ings were somewhat
overdone, even for "the most conceited coxcomb in the world," more's
the pity, for the performance was otherwise clever. Miss Tilbury made
a very spirited Az6ma-the part is a safe go from end to end if the

JANUARY 30, 1884. 1FUN. 43

actress is only sharp enough to hit the keynote, and Miss 1 | |_
Tilbury did not miss her tip. Of the other performers no
one made much impression; even Miss Sophie Eyre, though '
playing carefully and. well, showed scarcely so well as usual;
and that excellent actor, Mr. Beerbohm Tree, was clearly out
of his element.
THE GLOBE.-There seems some probability that the for- .
tunes of this house may take a turn for the better with the i--
production of Mr. H. Hamilton's lively adaptation, Our Re-
giment. It would be odd if this piece should turn out a second .
Confusion, as to all appearance is not unlikely ; odd as that
rara avis, a survival of a matinde, odder for the coincidence .---
that both pieces first saw London light at the same theatre-
the Vaudeville-one not given as a specialist to matinees. ,i1
Opinion of the piece was expressed in these columns on its
first production, and little further need be said on this occa- 1
sion; it has, of course, undergone compression, and its clever '
dialogue and amusing situations suffer nothing by the process; '
it is genuinely funny, and in spite of a number of artistic
faults, should have a good time.

The piece has the best of treatment at the hands of the
Globe company. Mr. E. J. Henley (all the Gaiety young
men are coming to the front) gives a capitally consistent ren- '
during of a by no means easy, because a not particularly likely i
part. Mr. Gerald Moore, with that dry (not to say rasping) -\ '
drawl of his, is as full of infinite vacuity as ever, and Mr. W' i.
E. W. Gardiner as the curate again shows his grasp of cha-
racter. Miss Fanny Brough resumes her original part, Enid, ___ --
which she plays with excellent finesse and finish throughout,
Miss Abington makes a delightfully delicate and refined -
Maud, and Miss Florence Trevelyan completes this clever
andgraceful triumvirateof unblushingly matrimonially-inclined
spinsters-the by-play of the three is really worth noticing
throughout. Miss Carlotta Leclercq (who has made us so. ..
used to her excellent acting that there is nothing left to say in
her praise), Mr. J. F. Young, and Mr. H. J. Lethcourt com-
plete an excellent working cast. ._ -
That clever lady, and tried friend of the noble army of
amateurs, Miss Pattie Bell, receives a complimentary benefit
at St. George's Hall to-morrow (Thursday). An attractive MI EM O. FOR M R. CHAPLI N.
programme is announced, and she has my best wishes for a Snooks-" YOU DON'T LOOK WELL, JUKES."
Snooks.-" LAW You DON'T SAY SO."
A MOMENT of dilemma is an hour of repose. Jukes.-" YES. FACT. GOUT AND TOOTHACHIE."

THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER SETTLES THE vill oblige vit a song? No, sanks, Milors Granville and Derby, not a
QUEEN'S SPEECH. breakdown!
IT vas ze dead of your night! Nevarezelesser, it vas ver' livally night.
Ze rain it vas blue like eldarely boots; ze vind it vas pour catan' dogs GEORGE NICHOLLS, of 552 Old Ford Road, was summoned by
as harder zan it could. Zare vas knock at door of ze street. Ze feet- Mr. Harrison, sanitary inspector, for exposing and removing a quantity
mans (he say he is footmans; but he have six foots and von half, so I of papers, there being every reason to suppose they were infected with
call him feetmans) he tell me zare is two suspicious party doun ze estair small-pox.
desire see me. Zey entare. Quelle surprise I It is-ze long-lost Grand The gentle GEORGE first allowed his daughter, ill of small-pox, to lie
Ole Man. Vit him is Milor Selborne. I demand zem to give it a name, on a couch in a small room, the open door. of which communicated with
also vat can I do for zem. Ze Lor' Chancellor say zey have try to settle the shop ; then, after being instructed not to take anything from the
ze Queen's Espeech, and it have ver' near almost qvite settle zem. I house or shop, he good-naturedly sent out a large stock of newspapers
make reply, Milor Selborne, you are like Meestare Grossmit, you to infect the world without; then this good lovable man let a room in
'are such a susceptible chancellor.'" Zey say I sink I am ver' funny, the house to a woman with four children, concealing from her the item
but zey vould like to see me try my 'and at it. I say, 'And it ovare I" of the small-pox. For this GEORGE was fined five pounds; but as,
Zey 'and it ovare, and I settle ze speech from ze tone like von of ze luckily, he did not happen to possess this sum, he was sent to prison for
clock come (a. fourteen days. Now, by the time the sweet GEORGE comes out, and is
MY LORDS AND GENTLEMANS,-'Ow are you? Vat vill you 'ave? once more at liberty to inflict deadly injury and grief upon his neigh-
Give your ordares! Plaisir first; business ven zare is time for it. 'Ow hours, no doubt some few persons will be half dead-possibly quite so-
do you like London? Milor Tennyson, I am glad to see you-who cuts with the disease which he took such pains to spread.
your hair ? My lords, zis time you must pull tro ze Bill of your sistares Now, provided one of these cases of illness can be reasonably traced
of your wife ven she is decease. Also no larks vit ze new Reform Bill to the action of George Nicholls, why, in the name of reason, humanity,
ven it come up. Gentlemen of ze Commons, I suppose you are all cram- justice-anything, in short, but law-should not George Nicholls be sent
full of talks zat you have rehearse to your sistares and your cousins and off for penal servitude for life ; or, in the case of the death of the victim,
your aunts. Please oblige vit a leetle vork as vell zis time. Zose gentle- hanged? WHY ?
men who sit on ze Ministerial benches vill please not sit too much on
zeir opponents. Mr. Firth, do not let your London Reform Bill be More Zealous than Wise.
smozzared zis Session. Mr. Chamberlain vill bear in mind zat he is not A DEMONSTRATION organized by the Bishop of Rochester has taken
yet Pres-I mean Premier. Gentlemen of the ze Opposition party, place in South London, called "A Temperance Parade." It is all very
politics are all very well, tres bien! but obstruction and opposition are as well to show what rapid strides the movement has made, but unfor-
different as-as ze milk vich ze cow can give and zat vich ze milkmans tunately antagonism is provoked by teetotalers parading themselves.
sell. Gentlemen of ze Home Rule party, no one vishes to neglect Ireland;
but zare are such places as England, Scotland, and Vales, and zey reqvire
a leetle consideration zis time. And now, my lords and gentlemens, who IT is paradoxical that the moment war is concluded, peace is concluded.


JANUARY 30, 1884,

"Some one break inn ?" we chuckled. He, he I Hear how he bungles."
"New hand? Pooh !-he's a newspaper correspondent, in character, getting
experience. It's all right."

" \.. ", "" -

"Why, there!" we said, peering through the bannisters. What did we tell
you? Has a pen behind his ear, and a copy of the Daily Entertainer in his
pocket. Ho, ho I "

a stop him ; he'll bring back that plate in the course of the day, with an apology, and explain that he did it
t with the Crib-Crackers.' He, he 1-newspaper correspondent fancying he can deceive us!"
1,11, (# AGMJy H1 A Wx-r 'j1idilifw-i,.

And the next morning, much amused, we sat down comfortably to await the return of that correspondent with the plate. Somehow we fanc) he can iave been a
correspondent, after all.


(See Cartoon.)
"THERE'S the bell!" So once again
Our far-famed Parliamentary train
Is just about a-starting;
Up drive omnibus, hansom, and fly,
On to the platform the passengers hie,
Hurriedly bidding their friends good bye
On the point of their departing.
"By your leave!" The luggage truck
Is trundled along and running amuck
Amongst the ticket-holders ;
Goods of all kinds for the van are there,
From Egypt and-Ireland and goodness knows where,
Municipal parcels, electoral ware,
And the bags of hobby-moulders.

"Take your seats 1" And in they go,
And make for a journey long and slow
Extensive preparation;
Fora Parliamentary train is less
In the nature of what is called express"
Than of one (as probably you would guess)
That stops at every station.

ARY 30, 1884.


II ~


\, 0


Nd '
'I ii






1 A~/0,~





Planetary Prophecies.
'According to an astrological almanac, "JUPITER joined by good aspect with the MOON is good
for trade, for opening shops, &c.,and for dealing with bankers or clergymen; MARS sojoined with
the Moon is favourable for dealing with chemists, cutlers, surgeons, and soldiers; the Moox in
good aspect with the Sun is favourable for asking favours, seeking employment, or travelling for
health; the MOON in good aspect with MaRCURY is favourable for literary employment, dealing-
with publishers, &c.; and the MOON in good aspect for VENUS is favourable for courting,
marrying, &c."
No end of earnest people fail, in trade, in love, in writing,
Not from any disregard, or for want of trying hard;
So to those who 've been defeated, after lots of heavy fighting,
I desire to here present a useful boon:
Which is, let each striving tradesman, bard, or journalist, or lover,
All those who 'd fain win wealth, or are not in brilliant health,
.Ere starting any enterprise, take care that they discover
Which planet is in "aspect with the Moon."

Note, ye who fain would open shops, or commerce would embark in,
Or with moneyed folks would rank, with a balance at the bank
(And those who deal with clergymen, I'd put a slight remark'in),
For you there is a season opportune;
If you'd drive a "roaring trade," and thus amass a mammoth fortune,
Or to travel would arrange for a beneficial change-
All folks concerned in either way, to start I would importune
When Jupiter's "in aspect with the Moon."

When Mars is in good aspect with the Moon is then the season
With Medicos to deal, or to purchase goods of steel;
If arranging with the army, too, to prosper you'll have reason,
And pills bought now no person can impugn;
And also please observe, if asking favours be your mission,
Or employment you would seek at a tidy wage per week,
You should wait until the sun is in a pretty good position,
In fact, till he's "in aspect with the Moon."

And oh! my brother seribbling-folk, for fame and fortune eager,
Working hard in many. ways, say with dramas, tales, or plays,
'T is probable that hitherto your chances have been meagre,
And your pathway is with prizes seldom strewn.
If publishers and editors and readers you would soften,
And your right reward would claim-which (of course) is lots of fame-
Allow me to inform you, you may do so pretty often,
When Mercury's "in aspect with the Moon."

And last (but oh! not least) a hint to lovers I would mention-
To young folks (bless their hearts!) who are struck by Cupid's darts-
To those who 'd fain "propose," and who are honest in intention,
This lay will tell the proper time to "spoon "
(But though Love's ruled by Luna, it should not, like her, show changes,
For a fickle, transient flame isn't worthy of the name),
Each true lover will succeed if he his courting-time arranges
When Venus is in aspect with the Moon."


JANUARY 30, 1884. FU N 49

("An action was brought yesterday against fish-salesman,
Billingsgate Market, to recover 6 ....s....d.... paid for falsely
represented to be The jury found for the plaintiff" -
We recommend the above form to be kept stereotyped at the news-
paper offices. It will be found to save the time of the compositors
greatly. Of course the blanks will have to be filled up according to
circumstances. For the present occasion the addenda are as follow -
"AARON ALEXANDER--4 los.-six barrels of Norway pilchards-
Dutch herrings.")
BILLINGSGATE FISH.-Billingsgate was, if possible, more fishy than
ever yesterday, new methods of swindling being in great demand, and
good prices being freely paid for bad articles. During the earlier hours
some large purchases of putrid goods were made. The following prices
ruled:-Norway pilchards (doubtful-sold as Dutch herrings) 20-30
times their value; Norway pilchards (decidedly queer-ditto, ditto) 35-50
times value ; Norway pilchards (putrid-sold as best Dutch herrings)
50-1,ooo times value ; offal (topped Norway salmon) loo times value;
putrid ditto (topped turbot) 1,000-3,000 times value; double putrid
refuse (topped mullet, cod, &c.) 2,500 times value. There was some
demand for genuine goods, which caused much derision.
BILLINGSGATE (later).-In consequence of the large return made by
the costers who had been swindled during the earlier hours of the day,
a large business was done in bad language, epithets finding a free exchange.
In some cases violence was offered, but not readily accepted, both sides
ruling firm with a forward tendency of the fists. Language in general
ruled low, although it had received a decided impetus from the morning.
DEAD MEAT.-Some heavy purchases of" frozen were made before
daylightbyour suburban butcher, whokeeps nothingbut best home-reared.
Winks and chuckles were freely exchanged between our butcher and the
salesman, evincing a complete understanding. The following prices
were quoted :-Beef, half to one-third as much as Mr. Stikkens tells us
when we go to pay the bill; mutton about same; best Welsh ditto about
one quarter.

A Strange Incident.
A VERY peculiar and interesting affair took place in London yester-
day. A negligent-looking man strolled into the Quod Street Police
Station, and addressing the inspector on duty, said, Sir, I come to ask
your advice." "Out with your patter, and don't be verbose," suggested
the inspector. "You have a countenance I do not mistrust," observed
the N.-L. M. "What's the odds?" queried the inspector. "Have you
passed a bad night ?" "Bad nights-bad days," was the reply. Then
profound silence reigned in the police office as constables of various
grades gathered in to gaze at a stranger who was not a prisoner. Curio-
sity at last overcame discipline. "What's the matter with him ?" they
asked with keen official interest, in one voice. I don't know, my
trusty blue ribbonites," answered the inspector on duty; I think he's
mad." "Yes," whispered the N.-L. M. with a hoarse croak, "I am
mad-mad-because my trousers always look slovenly and bag at the
knees." "He ought to see Colonel Henderson," said the inspector
promptly; take him to our chief, and let him tell his tale." He was
taken, and told it. Sir," said Colonel Henderson, after patiently
listening; "sir, you are a vastly entertaining nincompoop. Slovenly
trousers are easily made smart: go to the nearest respectable hosier's
shop, and buy the Argosy Brace. Now get you gone, for I have an
appointment with a begging-letter writer, who has sent a note asking me
for the loan of eight shillings."

A Pill-(oh!) Case.
AN evening journal recently stated that the French take pills freely
and frequently. This may or may not be true, but one thing is certain :
if that nation does not go in for pills to any great extent, it, judging
from its recent filibustering expeditions in Madagascar and elsewhere,
goes in pretty largely for pill-age I

(See recent newspaper reports and articles on butter productions.)
DESPAIRING of bullocks and roots and wheat,
Benevolent theorists sadly meet
To try and discover the thing that's best
For the agricultural interest.
They fancy, if done on a largish scale,
The making of butter can hardly fail,
And prattle of places wherein the churn
Is daily employed, with a fair return.-
Now, why do you snigger, 0 Public-WHY ?
And why do you mockingly wink the eye ?
You cannot be truly-although you seem-
Astonished that butter is made trom cream ?
Why utter ye slyly the question Where ?"
Ye cannot be doubting the whole affair?
A person would think, from the way ye speak,
You never saw butter from week to week I
A couple of columns-no fraction less-
Discusses the theme in the daily Press:
The writer, in planning it out, allows,
To make it successful, a hundred cows.
You duly refrigerate, part, and churn-
Machinery serving at ev'ry turn-
And, having a care that the cream is sweet,
The butter resulting can then compete.-

Now, what is the matter, 0 Public ? Say!
Whatever amuses you thus, we pray ?
Ye doubtfully gurgle at each new word
As if it were twaddle and most absurd!
It's passingly strange that ye thus should scoff-
That mention of butter should set you off
In manifestations which point, in brief,
To painfully cynical disbelief 1
Ye wouldn't, assuredly, tell me flat"
That butter is made of unwholesome fat;
That butter-producers would hardly dream
Of distantly thinking of using cream ?
You wouldn't asseverate, As for that,
There isn't so much as a single pat
Of genuine butter in England's bounds-
No-not if you offered a thousand pounds ?
I earnestly trust that you don't accept
The horrible notion that cows are kept
To simply be slaughtered for London's meat
When sickness shall carry them off their feet ?
I cannot believe that you bluntly say,
"Available evidence points that way,
While as for the butter, there's lots of fuss
And twaddle-but none of it reaches us !"
You never would mutter, Who cares what's best
For the farmer's-or any one's-interest ?
Shall we, if abundance the tradesman bless,
Be swindled and poisoned one whit the less ?
We always experience Fortune's frown-
When corn is abundant does bread go down ?"
Oh, fie on you, public A most unkind,
Deplorably practical state of mind!

A "STICK you couldn't beat a dog with.-A "stick" of "copy."

50 FUJN. JANUARY 30, 1884.

NEW SERIES, No. 5. AIR-" Oh, johnny!"

q 9 [ I, i- x f 0 h, Johnny!
where's your
wonted glee?
'Oh,- Johnny!
where's it like
to be?
When one 's unfortunate glee is seldom found-
Drink to the bottom and let your woes be drowned.
The Board of Trade, I 'd mention
(They're wise, it seems to me)
Are turning their attention
To saving life at sea.
The Bill of their invention
Commends itself to us ;
Should that succeed, we '11 have no need
To sing to sailors thus :
Oh, Johnny I don't you go to sea !
Oh, Johnny stay at home with me,
Or it's a certainty that you will be drowned,
Sink to the bottom, and never more be found.
We 've politics and plenty
Around us, I daresay,
We hear the same things twenty
And thirty times a day.
Our dolce far niente
Contentedly we take-
But, fortune plan the Grand Old Man
Succeed, for goodness sake !
Oh, Johnny sleep with but one eye,
Oh, Johnny keep your powder dry;
Wise men are Liberals, you are, I '11 be bound ;
Back up the G. 0. M., and Salisbury confound.
They've had (I saw the heading ")
A-what one, p'r'aps, may call-
"Salvationistic wedding"
At Exeter its Hall.
The bride came, nothing dreading,
And had the whole thing pat,
And bridegroom, each then made a speech-
And Booth sent round the hat !
Oh, Johnny what a sight to see I
Oh, Johnny! how much better we I
Though eccentricity sends the laugh around,
On its side, if honest, let us all be found.
They've had-keel-haul our gun'l!-
A block in that Canal;
The Clarence-stap our funnel!-
Was burnt and sunk, old pal.
Hoorahl the Mersey Tunnel
Is bored completely through;
Of Hodson's Horse" I 'm tired, of course,
And so, no doubt, are you.
Oh, Johnny! juries disagree ;
Oh, Johnny prisoners ain't free !
Wielders of dynamite safely should be bound,
And proof afforded that they can't be drowned !

BAG AND BAGGAGE POLICY.-Making a "Gladstone" hold all your

HAT morning our rural policeman
111 went forth on his beat with new
hopes, new interests; for the new
system of recruiting by police had
come into force-into police force.
_Each hedgerow teemed with a
new delight, and the handcuffs in
his tail-pocket jingled like mar-
riage bells. All that day he em-
ployed his most potent eloquence
in his country's cause among that
) portion of the youth of the village
which stood over the standard-
five feet three. But alas! that
evening the village policeman
plodded dully, a disappointed
officer, on his homeward way.
t Some one of great importance
h! ad come down by train from the
0 Horse Guards-some three hun-
dred long miles away-to meet
him on his return and ascertain
ii ) his luck. The great one from
2 London sat in the parlour of our
S inn to receive the constable.
Youhave succeeded inincreasing
the British army?" were his first
anxious words, gasped in a fever of
.-i ^hope and despair.
milt,[I U"Your Royal Highness,"said the
constable-(then the great onefrom
the Horse Guards could be no other than-why, of course ; that uniform,
those orders, that umbrella It was, indeed, H.R.H. the Field-Mar-
shal Commanding-in-Chief !)-" Your Royal Highness," and the con-
stable covered his face and sobbed.
"John," murmured the F.M.C.C., "you are our last hope. We
depend upon you. I had dreamed of thousands more men for the British
army; but that is past; and if we can secure but one more man-to
make our first line look more-a little more-not quite so- And
the F.M.C.C. stopped, choked with emotion.
Presently he continued, Bring in this one man, and five pounds per
head upon him shall be your guerdon."
"Your Highness," replied our constable, I will not deceive you;
it is in vain, unless we lower the standard still further."
His Royal Highness winced. "Well, since it must be," he said,
"let us say one inch less and one year younger."
Useless," said the constable ; we must make it one foot less,, and
ten years younger." For the far-seeing constable had formed his plan ;
he had his course marked out; he had his eye upon the new man needed
by the British army; it was but a question of height and age. Still
further reduction must-he knew it; but things must be done by degrees.
The next day the dauntless officer went forth again on his persuasive
beat; he harangued in vain; the standard-four feet three, and six
years of age-was still too high. When he returned, the great one from
the Horse Guards was there again. They wept on each other's bosoms.
"We will make it fifty pounds per head," said the Duke.
"Your Highness," said the constable, we must lower the standard
another two feet and another five years. There is one who might be
persuaded, provided his nurse--"
Secure him for our first line!" shouted the Duke, "and we will say
a thousand pounds."
The next day the news flew on lightning's wings that the constable of
Little Pigways had made a recruit, and the first train from London was
crammed with colonels, each anxious to secure the man for his own
regiment. They all met the constable as he entered the village. "Stand
back, gentlemen, I beg," said the F.M.C.C.; "he belongs to the whole
army; let no selfish personal interests- Then he stopped and
turned pale, for the policeman was sobbing bitterly.
"I had almost secured him,," he moaned. His eye glittered with
the thoughts of a martial career, when the sudden arrival of his
nurse- And the unhappy constable broke down.

An Axe-iom!
(A Scene at Hawarden.)
MR. SHORTER bought a brand-new axe to give to Mr. G.,
And after some alarumss and excursions" in that quarter,
The Premier took the present, and the donor in high glee
Marched back to Brum," according to the Hawarden reporter.
Lest an axe-idental inference be drawn from this-lo 1 we
Beg to state the donor did not wish the Premier's reign were Shorter.

JANUARY 30, 1884.


Some Day!
(With Apologies to Mr. Hugh Conway.)
I KNOW not when your bill I '11 see,
I know not when that bill fell due,
What interest you will charge to me,
Or will you take my I 0 U ?
It may not be till years have passed,
Till chubby children's locks are grey;
The tailor trusts us, but at last
His reckoning we must meet some day!
Some day-some day-some day I must meet it,
Snip, I know not when or how,
Snip, I know not when or how ;1
Only this-only this-this that once you did me-
Only this-I '11 do you now-I '11 do you now-
I'll do you now!
I know not are you far or near-
Are you at rest ? or cutting still ?
I know not who is held so dear,
Or who's to pay your little bill."
But when it comes, some day-some day-
These eyes an awful tote may see;
And don't you wish, my tailor gay,
That you may get your s. d. ?
Some day-some day-some day I must meet it,
Snip, I know not when or how,
Snip, I know not when or how!
Only this-only this-this that once you did me-
Only this-I '11 do you now-I '11 do you now-
I'll do you now!

George-ic !
PROFESSOR MAX MULLER pooh-poohs the "confiscation
without compensation theory of Mr. Henry George, and so
does that advanced Radical, Admiral Maxse.
Howe'er we may desire true land reform,
Most folks object to robbery, that's flat;
Max Miuller, and e'en Maxse thinks George too warm,"
And the Maxse-imum of Britons, too, think that!

A WRITER in a medical contemporary, pointing out the
advantage of knee-breeches for labourers, &c., over the ordi-
nary trousers, says, "This is a century of long clothes."
"The age of long clothes I" 'T is enough to appal-
Each man it should fill with alarms-
"Long clothes, indeed I" what would he make of us all ?
Does he hink we're all infants in arms!?

Customer (bleeding, to Operator, who has not quite recovered from the effects
of last night's supper at the Hairdressers' Protective and Friendly Union).-

THE new Sacred Elephant, Sir, is said by the eminent President of
the Zoological Society, who I consider to be unmistakably the "Flower "
of his profession, to be apparently "not quite a full-groan one." Well,
I think otherwise; and perhaps if the Professor had heard the holy beast
groaning in his sleep as I did, he would admit that it was as much like
a particularly full and complete groan as they make them.
The colour, continues the P. R. Z. S., is darker than that of ordinary
elephants, being "perhaps of rather a more blueish or slatey hue."
Quite so; and what else can be expected after the way in which Old
Tongue has been slated by a disappointed Press and public, I fail
to understand. The only thing absolutely white about him, in fact, are
his toe-nails and his tusks and his molars; so that he may be said to save
his colourable reputation in a great measure by the skin of his teeth "
One of my first notes is partially erased ; the fact being that having re
peated italoud tothe editorof a "weekly, "he called on thekeeper to throw
me to the lions. My remark was, as far as I remember, to.the effecthat
if the alternate presence and absence of the "pig-ment," alluded to by
Professor Flower, gave Old Tongue his patchy appearance, he ought
to be called, not "piebald," but "pork-piebald." I admit that the
observation is better cancelled. Only think what it might otherwise
lead up to, Sir. Why, the trumpeting of a pork-piebald animal would
probably be alluded to as a Melton Mow-" bray "next I It is too terrible!
The sacred quadruped's hoofs are of a horn" colour, I was told. I
did not ask further; but I should deduce from the row he made when
he greeted his mahout that his trunk is of a most decided trombone or
ophicleide hue. His ears, I presume, are of a good big-drum colour,
and his eyes of a pronounced visual barrel-organ tint.
By the way, I came, to the conclusion before I left the Zoo that Toung

was one of Barnum's winning cards after all. Otherwise he would
scarcely have "trumped so repeatedly, would he, Sir?
The large flesh-coloured patches of the sacred beast struck me very
forcibly. And putting this and that together-viz., his patchiness and his
holiness-I come to the conclusion that it is to these features his strong
natural odour, a kind of unlimited patcholy," don't you know ? is due.
The patch at the base of the trunk makes it look as though nature
started qff with the intention of giving Old Tongue a pair of flesh-
coloured "trunk-hose," but that the material would not last out.
I prevailed on the mahout to take tea with me on Tuesday. A
"contemporary" is wrong in thinking Radee a dusky son of Ind and
Coope. He is, as he told me with quite a Radeeant smile, a water-
drinker, like the good Buddhist that he is. (Mem.-a pencil-quip of
mine-Something about Professor "Flower" and the "Bud "-dhist is
illegible). Radee told me, when I remonstrated with him for not wear-
ing boots, that he believed in the transmigration of soles," and so kept
his prepared to foot it at any moment. From this and several other of
his remarks during tea, I think, Sir, he must have been a wag in his own
country. He is not open, though, to write a comic life of Buddha for
FUN, for I asked him.
If any one tells you that Tongue breaks off and chews the succu-
lent tops of the green bays with which his enclosure is surrounded,
don't you believe him, Sir. The "green baize" is not a tree at all; it
will be only a little plant" of your friend.
By the way, Sir, if you wish to keep an original quip in reserve re
" Old Tongue," I will make you a present of one for future use. Bide
your time, and some day, when you see a chance, observe nonchalantly
that Barnum's beast is considerably "more holy than whiteous"
There Never say again, Sir, after this that your Extra-Special does
not help to a-quip you for the social fight 1

To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will ej be retneb d unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

52 F]U"N JANUARY 30, 1884.

Old Songs Reset.
No. XI.
/ *AIR-Who is Sylvia?
WHAT'S a sausage? Why is it
What ev'ry one's afraid of?
SFor the doubts of that which it
Is very likely made of-
That 't is some disgusting bit.
Is it horse, or is it dog?
(For anything will make them!)
Things unfit for human prog,"
Yet some people take them!-
And, when helped, declare 't is hog !
Then to sausage let us sing,
That it is excelling
S" In the worst of everything
? A_~~E A-" entering our dwelling,-
There disease and pain to bring.

Men and Things.
-- THE editor is the most irresponsible indivi-
dual. As a rule, he always returns what he
The unhappy scholar, afar from his guar-
JST G .~tTC Ldian's smiles away from home.
There is no more supposititious race in crea-
-- im s ta tion than Italian operatic tenors : they are
always s'p'osa-ing (supposing).
The vestryman voracious is most groaned at
by the ratepayers when he resumes his eat.
The gardener takes no pleasure in his work
-his spade to do it.
CHINESE GO RD ON. The corn chandler is always feeling his pulse,
and butchers are always putting out their
JUST GOING TO CALL ON THE MAHDI. "OH, JERUSALEM tongues. Such is existence!

Octavius Ebenezer Potts. stituted by 'Arley the Actor-because it wasn't), my success, I say, was
HIS IS S so immense that I immediately commenced to drink the Old Year out on
HIS FILOSOFY FLAKES. the strength of it. Being drunk-I mean, having drunk the Old Year
OWR ames shood be entered in the futsher. We live for an our, but out to the last drain, and the funds still being unexhausted-I commenced
die four eternity. on the New Year, and am now busily engaged thereon. Consequently,
If yew pull doun a house, yew must shaw up its fellow. I am tco busy to attend to mere sporting matters at present. In a week
Let the altitood of yewr anser be commensewerate with the white of or two, or even three (I like to be liberal, so I'll give you three), I may
your kwestshunner. have something to say about the Waterloo Cup; at the present moment
Thare is a plezzher in noing wee ar whot others think weer not akin I am discussing-most agreeably and amiably discussing-the Cham-
too nuthin els I no ov. pagne Cup. One thing at a time, dear boy, one thing at a time, and
If yewr going to market without anny munny, drink fair whatever you do.
They '11 be offering truffles, and charging for hunney. Yours truly, TROPHONIUS.
Karried too exsess, orl vertues bekum vises, and the grater the former
vertshu the more distinct the vise.
A hole for a rat, a kennle for a dog, and a koutch for a woman. NEW LEAVES.
He cannot juge the piktsher whoos nose abuts it, nor estimate the white
of the mountain whooz hand may touch it; so wee are judged by our The San Francisco News Letter Christmas Number contains a choice
contemporary, and sentenced by posterite. collection of pictures and stories, verse and varieties (deftly interleaved
Az for me, I appeal for justis of my kritiks and mersy of mi karaka- and interlarded with advertisements), sufficient to satisfy the most
tourists. fastidious, whatever they may have a liking for or a yearning after. A
large coloured print of "The Telegraph Hill Observatory," Frisco;
TURF CUTTINGS. another of "The Hotel de Monte," Monterey; and a large engraving of
SU S "The Palace Hotel," Frisco, are also given with this capital Christmas
SIR,-If you want to know why I haven't written to you lately- "Stokes's Pocket Memoriser" (Stokes).-This is only one of Mr.
though I don't know why you should, I'm sure (who was that said Stokes's ingeniously invented aids to memory; but that it is a very
"Hear hear "? Hadn't you better sit down ? Why can't you be quiet complete one ought to be "committed to memory."
when you come out to enjoy yourself?) The fact is, I've been too busy. "A Strange Life," by Nemesis (Palmer and Co.).-As "a fortune
My success over the Arley Hunter's Steeplechase Plate last month was made by one penny postage stamp," verily it may be stamped as a
(people are wrong, by the way, who suppose this race to have been in- strange life "to lead," or A Life of a Strange Stamp."

Cadbury's I

Coo= thickens in the
cup, it proves the ad-
dition of Starch. ae met wl eera approbation. Wi mo as
a ladpLcl, Ban neither scratch not PUrt, the point% bag

FEBRUARY 6, 1884.

IF roses never had a thorn,
And women dressed without a pin,
I'd not regret that I was born,
And not committed many a sin
(That is, if naughty words I've sworn
When pin or thorn has pierced my skin),
If roses never had a thorn,
And women dressed without a pin!
There is a love that I might win-
Sweet as a rose, and bright as morn-
(She's also got a little tin);
She might perhaps my life adorn,
If roses never had a thorn,
And women dressed without a pin!

Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
WHEN the ritch man bilds, the pore iz ren-
dered hoamless.
Offents iz boath given and taken hi phules.
Experients iz a kommoditi bort by phules,
and appropriated bi wize men.
Frenship iz a pretty wurd, but, like most
pretty things, it meens nutthin.
If yew sea too pretty wimmin walking along
tu gether, yew ken put them doun az frenz.
Four wun whoom Faim seaks, a hundred
seak her.
He whoo talks frentch tells lize.
Thair iz nutthing smorl in a riddle or trifling
in a konundrum. The wurld iz the wun, and
existence the uther.
"Relief" iz the kry of the weery; but
"Rest" is the prair of the dieng.
Owt of ten invenshuns, nine appeel too our
loer nacher, and wun too things wurthy ov us.

United States-men.
Mr. Parnell proposes, with regard to the subsidizing
of Irish Members, that, funds not being forthcoming in
Ireland, each State in the American Union should sup-
port a Member in the British House of Commons. He
will be called Member for Mayo, Galway, Sligo, or
what not, but he will really be the representative of
Pennsylvania, California, or New York.-Daily Paper.
"To BEARD the British Lion in his den,"
Parnell suggests his Members should be paid
By persons in America, and then
The League might "push" the agitating
Some Irish Members noww are bad enough,
Consisting of the meanest howling types,
But on John Bull it would be rather rough
To have more brawling "stars deserving

Too-too True.
A CONTEMPORARY has an article entitled
" Political trumpet-blowing."
The phrase may seem, perhaps, a trifle hard,
Yet some M.P.s show "brass" whene'er
they "stump" it;
As soon, too, as one plays a likely card,
Some other Member tries his best to "trump"

A WEEKLY paper says that "Mr. Henry
George's theories will soon explode if no one
supplies the soapsuds for his bubbles." Doubt-
less the writer means that the American orator's
soft soap as regards his "no compensation"
creed will dwindle somewhat sud-denly. Let
us (s)oap so.

FOR-MAHDI-BLE FOEs.-Those sheiks who
have declared for the False Prophet.

FUN. 53

YOUR BRIDAL." [And, by Jove! that switch stung.

"'Tis True 'tis Pity; Pity 'tis 'tis True !"
THE dreadful gales of the past few days gave intense meaning to the now well-worn expression,
"The bitter cry of outcast London," for it was bitterly cold for the poor homeless ones. On the
morning of Saturday week a policeman's attention was called to something which was lying under a
baked potato-can in Whitechapel, and upon the constable making an examination he found the
" something to be a child of eleven, who had crawled beneath the can, unknown to the owner,
and was fast asleep. Luckily in this case the boy, who had no home, was warm and comfortable;
but the sad thing is, that there are so many more destitute children in the London streets than
there are potato-cans on wheels.

VOL, Xxxly_,-Iio


54 FUN.

FEBRUARY 6, 1884.


bert's new one-act play, Comedy
and Tragedy, is a strongly dra-
matic production, and Miss An-
derson, in essaying the principal
part therein, cannot at least be
accused of want of courage. That
) she has qualifications which carry
Sher sometimes successfully, some-
times triumphantly, and always
i \ safely through the multifarious
.I and constantly-changing emotions
S7,1' and circumstances of the part can-
not be denied; but (if Mr. Cham-
t berlinn will excuse my use of the
word) at many places the too
"' familiar and apparently not-to-be-
conquered artificiality and insin-
DuTHE LYCE DALL-LEANS. cerity make themselves apparent.
Miss Anderson throws herself
heart and soul into the part; she
has studied it line by line, and point by point, and in its course gives
many admirably natural touches; she only fails where she might have
been expected to fail-in the expression of deep emotion. Her fear for
her husband's safety, and her baffled agony at not being understood,
would, I doubt, have made but small impression but for the dramatic
strength of the situation ; to me the rendering at this point was unreal,
crude, and conventional. The capitally-written comedy speech was
given in admirable style, if also a' trifle stagily. Staginess, however,
and a speech of a strong Elizabethan flavour, do not go ill together.
Miss Anderson's success with the audience was unequivocal, and the
performance 0
was to my
mind the N.
most uni- A
formly pleas-
ing of any- L l a
thing she has t t p
yet done in p[r t
this country, "
the emotions '"
of the part; T i t
grave and r
gay, follow v
each other in i
such quick Ii I -
succession, ..
and are for THE LYceUM.-Comefdy and Tragedy-MlSS Anse.RON ACTING
themost part AS THA-LIAR.
pleasantly or
well expressed, so that the ill-expressed ones have no time to seriously
annoy, and are lost amid the good ones, and one goes home placid.

With regard to the play, Clarice is not a heroically estimable lady (I
am not, however, exactly prepared to say that she is therefore quite
precluded from possibility); she is evidently possessed of "a temper of
her own," and probably has her mild-ooking husband well under her
imperious thumb. The "trap" which these two prepare for the Duc
D'Orleans is a trifle "mean," and, it seems to me, superfluous as well,
for would not D'Aulnay s discarding
G~ C\ his profession of actor, and resuming
his gentlemanly rank (a course which
1 he has to adopt, as it is, before the
S Duc will consent to fight) have made
it all plain sailing in the light of day
without the necessity for any "trap"
whatever (except, of course, one to con-
vey the doctor, seconds, and combatants
to the field)? All seems to end "hap-
pily," but might it not have been awk-
ward even in the heyday of the duelling
system, for any one who enticed a con-
fiding Regent into his back garden,
and there mortally wounded him in a
secondless duel? Possibly; but what
THE ELEPHANT AND CASTLE.-A does it matter? These are but slight
LITTLE SHILLINGER." and "back-ground" defects of an ex-
tremely clever play, the main object of
which-the provision of a striking part full of point and variety, and
with one thoroughly dramatic situation, wherein a leading actress may
display her versatility-has been triumphantly accomplished. Mr. J. H.
Barnes played the Duc with skilful delicacy, and Mr. Alexander made

themostof hisslightopportunity. The remaining characters "came like
shadows," so let them "depart."

An afternoon performance of a novel character took place at the Ele-
phant and Castle Theatre on Friday week. Mr. Cave entertained the
children employed in his pantomime of Dick : -'. at a feast of
meats and cakes, plum pudding, tea, and many other substantial and
evidently satisfactory matters. Following the historic precedent set by
the renowned Master
Thomas Tucker, the
youthful guests pre- ,i.
paid for their repast I ,
in song. Besides the --
series of Nursery i
Rhymes sung in the K -
pantomime, they gave '-,
the Harrow School ':' '
song, "Forty years *" i
on," all in capital s' ,|
style. The precision .. '- i
which they display, p--'"('.
seeing that the majo- t. b ,|-
rity, if not all of the -.., ',
children, sing by ear
only, is evidence of ~- ~
no little skill and SADLER'S WELLS.-FUN ON THE BRISTLE.
patience on the part
of Mr. Cave, who has instructed them himself (proving himself, in this
instance, a veritable Cave of Harmony). After a wind-up with God
save the Queen," a change of scene discovered the banquet, which
presently the youngsters were discussing with evident satisfaction. At
the end of about a couple of hours the festivities were brought to a con-
clusion by the presentation to each small guest of a bright new shilling
(the girls appropriately giving Mr. Cave a very bright bob" in return),
and the company wended its way homeward.

This (Wednesday) afternoon a performance for the benefit of clever
Mrs. F. H. Macklin (Miss B. Henri) takes place at the Gaiety. As
You Like It (Mrs. Macklin, of course, playing Rosalind), with a really
first-rate cast, is the piece chosen. I trust the lady will have "a good
house," she is certain to give good return in talent for anybody's money;
it were Henrisonable to expect more than that.

On the following afternoon at the Globe Miss Belle Howard gives a
matinie, and produces a new three-act burlesque by Mr. Alfred Murray,
entitled Petite Carmen. Miss Howard's admirers, who I think Carmeny,
will doubtless flock to the scene. Mr. Murray wrote an unsuccessful
play once, I believe (which is far from being an unique uniqueity), but
let us hope that Fate will on this occasion make Carmends to him.

On the evening of the same day Nell Gwynne is to be produced at
the Avenue, with Miss Florence St. John in the principal part; but after
all, it is the public that will do the principal part," they hope,

Mr. Sheridan and the Fun on the Bristol combination are disporting
themselves at Sadler's Wells once more.
They only stay for twelve nights, dating from
the 20th ult. ; but they mean cramming as
many laughs into the time as '11 fit. You r---
might go and give them a few. What do you
say ?,

The Princess of Wales, with her illustrious
husband and suite, made the acquaintance of -
Princess Ida at the Savoy on the 26th ult. -.1 l
It is understood that their Royal Highnesses I
were mutually gratified. i'

On Saturday last Miss Minnie Palmer gave
her first morning performance of My Sweet-
heart at the Strand. Next Saturday this little i.. "
lady commences a series of Saturday afternoon
performances, at which certain pieces, com- SADLER'S WELLS.- "THIS
mencing with the Little Treasure (Miss IS THE JEW THAT SHE-
Palmer, of course, as Gertrude), and to be RIDAN DREW."
followed by La Cigale, &c., will alternate with My Sweetheart.

The end of the Millionaire approaches. His heir is already prepared
to step into his shoes. He is coming from America, and is new and
original; but I don't know what he's called.

FEBRUARY 6, 1884. FU N. 55

The Sanitary Cook.
The Paris Academy of Cookery has, like the Chamber, just consti-
tuted its bureau.' It has also taken as a motto the words Cookery the
auxiliary of medicine.'
THE cooks of the future, I saw them assemble,
And vote the reform of their frivolous craft,
They 'd menus that made men of appetite tremble,
They 'd programmes like foretastes of very black draught.
Their caps were as stern as the helm of Minerva,
And bravely renouncing both glory and wealth,
Each one on the spit swore he never would serve a
Repast that was not quite conducive to health.

The dinner-bell then like a passing-bell sounded,,
Suggesting rash thoughts of a suicide's stake;
Of yew-tree and cypress the soups seemed compounded,
The entries seemed exits, the joints seemed to ache.
The joints !-nay, no dish half so juicy and carnal
Is suffered our M.D.'s prescriptions to cross;
We feast on dry bones like a ghoul in a charnel;
If horseflesh is wholesome, how good must be os!

The plump partridge couched in its sweet bed of truffles,
The bouillabaisse daily by Sala discussed,
The lobster, whose blush a mild mayonnaise muffles,
The crawfish and cocks' combs neathh vol au vents' crust.
No chef/will consent, though he's bribed by a Crcesus,
Though sirens entice him and Caesars compel,
To cook the least bit of a dinner to please us,
They're pledged but to keep us disgustingly well,

They '11 serve but the food with which hermits would quarrel-
The meaner the menu, the seller the swells;
They 'll give leeks to dukes, and to marquises sorrel,
And serve table d'oatmeals at grandest hotels.
And princes, perforce, will take diets of cloisters,
And kings slake in rain-pools their right royal thirst,
And emperors drop down to winkles from oysters,
And maybe prefer the last fare to the first.

But, no a sweet whisper of hope flies the Channel,
There 's life (that's disease) in the diner-out yet
"Oh! go on preparing the phial and flannel,
Your livers and lungs will still suffer, you bet.
We never experienced any compunction
Exerting a wholly legitimate skill;
We merely continue our fine ancient function
Of helping the doctors, by making you ill."

Snobkins (who links he recognizes some one he knows).- "OI-ER !
Nobkins (who declines to be patronized).-"As I HAVE BEEN IN EXISTENCR
THAT YOU HAVE." [Snobkins does nol pursue his inquiries any'furtther.

HEY 'VE launched a beautiful brand-new
And they've sent her forth on her maiden
P trip ;
And it gives unqualified joy to state
That the brand-new vessel behaved first-
They found her far-and-away exceed
f The contract nominal rate of speed ;
S-- er engines use but a pound of coal;
And she does not pitch, and she does not
l '-,.. I [er grateful passengers all attest
"-^i The stores were quite of the extra best;
SAnd the drinks were good, and the berths
were prime ;
And she made the passage in splendid
So give, my Muse, the accustomed tip
That Jones and Company built the
ship ;
And the splendid engines that made
her go
Came out of the shops of J inks and Co.
Her high stability adds a crown
To her thoughtful architect, Mr. Brown;
Her stores, admittedly far from trash,
Came straight from Whatsaname, Blank, and Dash ;
While Corks and Cooper supplied the -drinks;
And the berths were fitted by Bird and Binks.

But they launched a horrible brand-new craft,
And, filled with passengers fore and aft,
She went and acted, we grieve to say,
In quite the horridest kind of way;
In spite of efforts of steam and sail,
She droned along like an aged snail;
She '11 roll and pitch when it's far from rough,
And can't accommodate coals enough;
And all the passengers loudly scout
The stores as thoroughly bad throughout;
And the berths were vile-which is not the worst-
For the masts fell out and the boilers burst.
And the ship was built by the firm of--Whoa!
My Muse, you mustn't go teaching so!
You 'll find the custom does not prevail
Of naming the makers of things that fail! .
The weak machinery, gorging grist
In vain, was fitted by-- Ause, desist!
For bad construction that made her lop
We blame her architect, Mr.--taop!
Her stores, that ought to be simply lung
To dogs, were purchased of-- Hold your tonge'!
And the berths were fitted by-- Tunefil maid,
Desist, and drop it-it's bad for trade!

How now?
CONTRARY to the usual impression concerning them, it would appear
that our Gallic neighbours are, after all, colloquially a very taciturn
people. This is abundantly evident from the from the fact that, when they fully
understand your meaning, they invariably refrain from "comment.

56 1FUN. FEBRUARY 6, 1884.

"Owing to the mildness of the season before the present storms set in, strawberries and wild flowers were in bloom in several parts of the country,
and in Wales the birds had laid their eggs."

/ -- ----

"It's no good," said the British Farmer; I can't make anything answer in this climate." And he went to try and get a hint or two from the birds and things,
as a last resource. "What's the use of asking me" said the bird. "Here I've been and laid my little egg, thinking it was Spring; and if the frost hasn't come
and nipped it I"


FU N .-FEBRUARY 6, 1884.


--~i7L~vi~ ~





(See Cartoon.)
IN order that Parliament newly may sit,
Her Majesty summons
Her trusty and well-beloved servants, to wit,
The Lords and the Cummons.

The thing of a bonbon then puts you in mind
(If with mind you've supplied it),
For, pop !-the House opens, and straightway you find
A motto inside it.

That motto is known as Her Majesty's Speech,
And gives her impression
Of politics at the beginning of each
And every Session.

Its purpose is reckoned prophetic ; but more,
There's cunningly hid in't
Full many a matter you knew of before,
With some that you didn't.

So read, mark, and learn, nor allow your belief
To grow any slacker,
Because 't was produced to the House, by its chief,
In the guise of a cracker.

FEBRUARY 6, 884. F N. 59

NEW SERIES, No. 6. AIR-"Fair, Fat, and Forty."

I. 'OW nobody will
i' venture, we'll
undertake to
~ ) say,
To disrespect,
-_ a Oppose, reject,
'Or thwart in any
Se s The plan which
our landlady
(and we sup-
pose it's true)
et, e e s Out Hampstead

iWill try to carry

CHORUS (more
TX or less descriptive
Wtof our landlady).
-AA Oh, she's fair,
fat, and forty,
Far from haughty, haughty, horty-
"She 's quite aware She has her share
Of faults, and that she '11 own;"
Into our room she's walk,
And she 's talky, talky, talky,
Until we wish, for goodness sake! she'd leave the news alone.
The Heath's proposed extension, to which she thus refers,
She mixes up
With Altcar's Cup
In that queer brain of hers;
The Queen of Madagascar she marries to O'Neale,
The private who
Made that to-do,
With which courts-martial deal.
For she's fair, fat, and forty,
Of Shat's going on reporty"
"She hears such tales About them gales,
As beats all ever known;"
Her medical adviser
Says the sneezes of the Kaiser,
Likewise his cough, have set them off-"Just let them kings alone !"
And then she quite attributes unto those gales, si veal,
The wreck and spill
Of that said Bill
For Manchester's Ship Canal;
From which, you see, she mixes its former painful fate
With the faintest touch
Of its present much
More gratifying state.
Yes, she,'s fair, fat, and forty,
And she 'll sortie, sortie, sortie
In search of news, To cull, confuse,
And garble till we groan;
.All Indians' willy-nilly
Must be christened Ilbert Billy,
She says she hears, and thinks we ought to let them all alone.

She says Sir Frederick Leighton from "the Artists" does retreat,
And hears he will
With Lord Churchill
Go shares in Bradlaugh's seat;
And solemnly assures us it's no mistake or cram,
For she's seen the seat
Where both will meet
In the town of Birmingham.
Oh, she's fair, fat, and forty,
Far from haughty, haughty, horty-
"She's quite aware She has her share
Of faults, and that she '11 own;"
She says Cetewayo hooked it,
And if not born black he looked it
When they caught him in an hour or so and asked him why he'd flown.


SCENE-Say Pontyfridd, or anywhere in Wales; or England, jor that
matter; or, in point of fact, Scotland or Ireland.
MR. MAUREX PERIENCE. Hullo What are you doing to your
house ? It's not usual in this country to-
MR. INNOWE VAYTE (or Druid, ifyou prefer it). No, I 'm aware
,it's something out of the common, but I like the tone of the penny
postage stamp, and as I have such a heap of obliterated ones by me, I
fancy it 'd look nice to cover the front of the house with 'em.
MR. MAUREX PERIENCE (with a mental uneasiness which he cannot
exactly account for). Ah !-yes-but-very nice, no doubt; but, at the
same time, the houses of the people down in the village aren't-in fact,
it 's not usual in this country to-
MR. INNOWE VAYTE. No, I know-that's one reason why I like it;
it's a novelty-something out of the common.
MR. MAUREX PERIENCE (suddenly understanding his own vague
uneasiness). Yes, that's just it! But I wish you would scrape those
postage stamps off. There-I knew it 1 Look-there 's a man stopped
to look on; his brow contracts; he mutters threateningly; he grinds
his teeth; his fists close convulsively; he is joined by a woman who has
also stopped to look on; they commune together minatively ; their eyes
blaze with stifled indignation ; they nod their heads and descend to the
village. Oh, my dear friend, be warned ere it is too, too late I Tear
down those dreadful, disastrous penny stamps from your house, or be-
ware of the awful consequences.

,) ,, 'i '> -- -

MR. INNOWE VAYTE. Pooh!-there's no danger. Those two are
simply jealous because they haven't a sack of obliterated penny stamps
to put on their hou--
MR. MAUREX PERIENCE. Oh, no, no I Do not make light of the
time-honoured, the sacred, the inviolable instincts of an ancient people.
Believe me, it is not usual in this country to cover your house with
postage stamps. Ha I What do I hear ? It is a distant murmur like
that of the far-off sea I Vayte, dear boy, the villagers are aroused. They
have heard of your act of innovation, your insult to the holy conven-
tionalism ever latent in their souls. They have not been accustomed to
houses covered with postage stamps ; they feel it keenly, intensely ; it is
a sacrilege You have aroused the people, and they come I
FIRST PAPER READER. Long account of that postage stamp affair, I
see, to-day. Crowds are still blockading the house, mad with fury. It
seems the news has spread like wildfire all over the country, and that
societies are being formed in all parts for the purchase of mincing-
machines to chop up the man-what's his name ?-Vayte-to chop him
up as fine as possible when they 've caught him.
SECOND PAPER READER. Oh, yes I twenty-five thousand persons
from all parts of the country are at present marching to the locality, each
armed with an instrument of torture. It is under discussion whether the
victim shall be publicly burned over a bonfire composed of sacks of
obliterated penny stamps. All the women from an alley in my neigh-
bourhood were sharpening their nails on my coping this morning with a
view to tearing out his eyes. But one can well understand the people's
feelings, you know, when one considers that there hasn't been a single
case of covering a house with penny stamps within the memory of the
oldest inhabitant of the village.

FIRST PAPER READER. D' ye know, I 'm rather sorry for that postage
stamp man. I fancy they needn't have done it, under the circumstances.
You see, he agreed to take 'em all down after they'd pulled off both his
legs and all his waistcoat-buttons; but it seems he overlooked one in a
corner and left it up, and the people caught sight of it.
SECOND PAPER READER. Still, I think they went a trifle too far in
mincing all his distant relations too.
FIRST PAPER READER. Well, you see-the violated traditions of an
ancient people!

60 IF'T N FEBRUARY 6, 1884.

,THE British public has not been in such a flutter of excitement to re-
ceive explanations concerning Mr. Barnum's white elephant joke as our
American showman's agent surmises.
The B. P. may be "a hass," but in a
good-natured way it has appreciated
/ the little pleasantry promptly, admir-
ing sadly at the same time THE
CATERER'S grotesque sense of humour.

IT is eminently satisfactory that
such a mild, respectable, moral poten-
tate as King Theebaw gives a certifi-
cate attesting that Toung Taloung is
of the sacred breed.

The only time a rash creature tried
to induce us to cash a bad "fiver," he
returned it rapidly to his pocket (when
we called "police "), and his protests that it was a genuine note were
THERE is no truth in the report that "General" Booth is in treaty
with Mr. Barnum's agent for the purchase of Toung Taloung.
THE curious end of the explosives case suggests these questions-
Do the police deserve to be blown up for their vivacious and ticklish
conduct in the matter ? and is nolle 5rosequi a free Latin translation for
burked inquiry?
A SAGE, well versed in Egyptian affairs, has lately discovered-not
onions-but the fact that a defeated army generally sings, "We don't
want to fight, and by Jingo if we do!" with a good stomach, when
officered by our conquerors. _

IN connection with home matters, another strange fact has been
revealed to us-viz., that a boy who is sent out to purchase a penny
cane, with which he is to be flogged, seldom obeys his order either with
alacrity or cheerily, whether in Cairo or London.

WHEN Lord Randolph Churchill remarked at Woodstock recently,
"I am but a pigmy," we sternly rebuked the bad taste of an ardent
Liberal, who whispered, "He is going too far by two letters-but he
gets rasher and rasherer every day."

WHAT constitutes a good day's shooting ? When the Prince of Wales
shot about, with four other great guns, last week over Sir P. Miles's
estate, "only" two hundred and seventy head of game was bagged, the
sport being reported as very moderate." One poacher would walk a
considerable number of miles to secure fifty-four head of game during a
night, and simper Good business over such a bag towards morning,
should he not be bludgeoned by gamekeepers who are above bribery.

OUR habits are less convivial than
might be expected or supposed by an
inquisitive public, but we cast aside our
blue ribbon and toasted Miss Cook (not
bodily but spiritually) in hot filtered
water. Her plucky conduct in seizing
a stalwart burglar at Sutton Lane, near
Twickenham, deserves our warmest
watered recognition. Had this lady
been armed with a revolver, she might
have been the means of cooking a
S. f ruffian's goose, so causing a dastardly
S housebreaker to occupy a back seat in
the ferry of Charon, and preventing him
ever patronizing Twickenham ferry or
its vicinity again.

EVERYTHING is good in its sea-
son." Just drop down suddenly on
your back in the dirtiest part of Covent
Garden; after rising, pick up the piece
of orange-peel which caused your fall,
take it home with you, and while vinegar and brown paper are being
applied, ponder upon the truth of the above maxim.

"VERY jam-tart little woman Lady Stebbins is, ain't she ?" whis-
pered one masher to another in the ball-room. "Yes!" moaned Sir
Spiffany Stebbins, who overheard the remark; "but she's more than
tart-she's a positive tartar, my boys."

(Being an awful nightmare which we had conjured up for ourselves by
dwelling upon the possible contingency of the law deciding in favour of
the plaintiff in the Miles Platting Case.)
SCENE-The Church oj St. Patron at Little Underthifmb.
Pray has it reached your ears what form of cult
Awaits us here this morning ?
SECOND H. M. OF C. (in same manner). Not a whit.
Wherefore, with purpose to be well prepared
Against contingency, I am provided
With all the sacred books of all the creeds
Of which I could bethink me. Here's the Koran;
The Vedas here; the Shin-to (or Shin-to);
And in, a van without, a goodish weight
Of sacred tablets relative to Pasht;
And here is Lempriere, in case the Patron
Should patronize the Greek mythol-he comes !
(The Congregation grovel abjectly with their noses on the hassocks as the
PATRON of the LIVING enters and seats himself on a throne, to the
accompaniment of aflourish of trumpets and a salvo of artillery.)
FIRST H. M. OF C. (awed). He waves his haughty hand, and from
the vestry
There issues one clad in a form of garb
Unknown to me. Do you- ?
SECOND H. M. OF. C. I rather think
It is the gentleman our mighty Patron
Has nominated to the vicarship.
His vestments-let me see-a belt of beads,
Some feathers in his hair, a collar formed
Of buttons and assorted human teeth,
And pigments, red and yellow, on the face.
I have a little book descriptive of
The various forms of sacerdotal garb,
Extant and obsolete; but cannot find
The one he wears. 'T is hardly ritualistic-
Nor could one style it evangelical.
FIRST H. M. OF C. But mark, he brings a queerly painted block
Of wood, and dances round it seven times,
And bangs his head before it on the matting,
And sprinkles it--
SECOND H. M. OF C. Of course How dull I am !
It is the South Sea Island ritual !
Why, to be sure. See, now he casts his eye
Around the congregation, with a view
To choose a victim for a sacrifice.
I rather think he has his eye on you.
He whets a knife; he chants an invocation.
Again he looks at you. I had a slip
Of sandal-wood, showing, in hieroglyphics,
The South Sea Island service. Ah I 't is here;
I '11 find the place and-pray look over me.
FIRST H. M. OF C. See! He hath marked a victim for his knife,
And beckons him-in truth it is the bishop !
And now his lordship (all unwillingly)
Approaches up the aisle--
SECOND H. M. OF C. Protesting, though,
And showing most emphatic disapproval.
FIRST H. M. OF C. His lordship has no sympathy at all
With these departures from canonic rules.
But see, the priest selects a likely spot
About his lordship's waistcoat, while ihe Patron
Smiles his august approval. Poor my lord !

FEBRUARY 6, 1884.

Conservative Counsel.
"Destruction," says a Conservative weekly, "is Mr. Gladstone's poli-
tical standpoint, as it is his favourite amusement. When he cannot root
up some cherished portion of the Constitution, he finds vent for his spirit
with the axe for destructive he must be. His aims differ from
Mr. Parnell's only in the method employed to carry them out. .
Mr. Parnell uses dynamite ; Mr. Gladstone works by Act of Parliament.
Both these men are terribly dangerous 1"
How kind is the noble Conservative party
To tell us what rulers are best for our realm;
'T is only the Tories whose virtue is hearty,
And they (so they tell us) should guide the State's helm.
This wonderful party, whose merits we 've stated,
Would warn us against all the Liberal clan;
And it says to destruction our nation is fated,
For, like that Parnell (who sedition would fan),
Mr. Gladstone's a terribly dangerous man I"
"When some loved institution he finds he can't root up,"
These Tories point out that his bosom it wracks ;
"So selecting the trees that Dame Nature lets shoot up,
His spirit for spoiling he vents with his axe."
Which proves to the world that destructive he must be,
Delighting to do all the damage he can;
And they tell us no longer in G. must our trust be-
They vow, to dismember the empire's his plan,
He is such a terribly dangerous man I "
"With another four years of his ruling," they tell us,
Our much-beloved nation would cease to be one."
(Just think, if a fate so alarming befell us I
No army! No navy! 1 o State! Worse, no FUN!!)
"Parnell uses dynamite, G. legislation,
To work out their schemes, and their dupes to trepan; "
But the Tories point out we may yet save our nation
By putting the Premier beneath a big ban-
And ejecting from office that dangerous man I"
We suppose they infer that he must be Parnellish,
For glorious bribes, like Parnell, does he get;
Parnell takes big cheques with an evident relish,
While Gladstone takes china-a Crown Derby set!
Then let us give thanks to the Tory contingent,
They surely deserve that to hail them we ran;
We knew that Parnell deserved measures most stringent,
But to dread Mr. Gladstone 't is time we began,
For they say he's a terribly dangerous man I "

THE cry of the pig is Give me dirt!"

"IN times like these I wonder people can rest easily in their chairs,"
said Mrs. Blunderberry, plumping herself down on the toasting-fork,
which she had incautiously left on her seat while she drove the cat away
from the haddock keeping warm in the fender.
It seems you can't," answered Mr. Blunderberry, grimly. "Do you
think it promotes digestion, Mrs. B., to jump up and down like Ithose
confounded mining shares? Are you acting under the advice of your
medical attendant when you make a Jack-in-the-box of yourself? Perhaps
you will cease playing the kangaroo and say what you mean."
"Why, Solomon, there 's even the Prince of Wales turning !"
Great Bradlaugh cried the master of the house, seizing the loaf
and slicing it with savage energy, what is England coming to when a
female Blunderberry speaks of the Heir to the Crown as if he were a
teetotum ? Have you got a notion that Albert Edward ought to have
been christened Dick Whittington, so that he might turn again ? Do
you think that H.R.H., with a wheel, a treadle, and a chuck, could be
sold complete as a secondhand lathe ? Turning! turning what ? turning
which ? turning when ? turning why ? Bless the woman! she only wants
a little more tongue and a little less brain to be a Home Ruler, a Nihilist,
a socialist, a-- "
"That's it, that's what I mean," interrupted Mrs. Blunderberry,
hysterically, pouring Worcester sauce instead of milk into her teacup;
"I knew I should remember it presently."
"Remember! do you call that thing you carry about with you on
Sunday and holidays a memory ? With that memory you only want
enough money to waste to be a School Board examiner; a paragraph in
a country newspaper and a certificate from the clergyman of the parish,
together with that memory, would set you up complete as the oldest
inhabitant. If Rogers, the banker-poet, had only known you, Mrs. B.,
he would never have written on the Pleasures of Memory:' he'd have
put a rhyme at each end of you, and given you to the world as a poem.
What is it you remember? Confound it, Mrs. B. display your memory."


Lady (desiring Rita's New Novel).-"HAVE YOU 'Two BAD BLUE
Librarian's Boy,-" I KNOWS A CHAP AS 'AS GOT Two BAD BLACK

"If you go on like that, Solomon, you'll drive the idea out again."
"That's it! there you are I You've got an idea, haven't you ? Just
one idea, quiet, to drive in single harness, and has been ridden by a lady.
You stable that idea of yours, you take my advice and lock it up in a
stall, in case any one should drive it out without your consent. You
give that one idea gentle exercise, but don't gallop it, for fear it should
run away with you. Now, then, trot out your spavined old idea.",","'
"I am not joking, Solomon," said the good lady, as she dropped the
salt-spoon into the cream in endeavouring to fish out a struggling fly.
"Nobody ever accused you of such a thing, Mrs. B.," retorted her
lord and master. For stern matters of fact, uninvested with a particle
of imagination, you are without an equal; you only want a dozen columns
of figures and a blue crown to be a parliamentary report."
"I've got it!" cried Mrs. Blunderberry, delighted.
"The idea?"
"No, dear, the fly." And his better half triumphantly landed the
insect on the tablecloth, and commenced fishing for the salt-spoon.
"Then," said Mr. Blunderberry, rising and hunting for his hat, "then,
Mrs. B., I am to understand that that one-horse idea of yours has run
away, and that I am to go out into a cold and cruel world still ignorant
of the particular turn the Prince of Wales has taken ?"
"Oh, didn't I tell you?" rejoined his better half, thoroughly engrossed
by the salt-spoon hunt. It's quite too terrible. Why, Solomon, the
Prince of Wales has joined the socialists "
"Joined the-Why, great gracious! woman, what nonsense are you
talking now ? What wrong ends have you been tying in a knot ?"
"But it must be true, Solomon, because it's in print." And Mrs.
Blunderberry, dropping the sugar-tongs after the salt-spoon, triumphantly
produced the newspaper, and with the air of one who knew herself to be
right, read, Last Monday evening His Royal Highness the Prince of
Wales attended a small social meeting, held at-"
But Mr. Blunderberry waited to hear no more, but jamming his hat
over his eyes, passed through the front door like a whirlwind.

To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor dous not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or #aiy for Contributions. In no care will they be returrsd unit
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelofs.



FOR ze last two veek ze Membares of your Parliament have been like
your dentist, or your man who play crickey-on ze stump, and like your
crickey man, zey have try hard to bowl out ze ozzare sides. I am like
your chimneysveep, I must follow soot, as you say, so I go to Rabbit-
borough, and I make stump speech to my free and independent electors.
A la foi! zey are too free, some of zems, for zey demand of me to shake
hands and kiss ze baby as if I vas like ze painters of picture for zis year's
Academy, still upon ze canvass. And zey are aussi as independent as
zey are free, for zey say if zare is annozzare election zis year I sall have
to pay five pound for ze vote vare I have last time pay von, and zat ze
pint of four vich is in half vill have to give place to ze 'ole pot. I go
to ze Town Hall, vare I find all ze town. I address ze Mayor as "old
hoss," and I am as busy vit my jaw as ze Jack who is Cheap, or ze lady
who go shopping. I tell ze audience zat ve vill have zis Session Redis-
tribution of Seats, zat is, in your teatres ze gallery and pit sall not be
crowd out by ze estalls. As for Manhood Suffrage, I say I sink ze
mens suffare enough, especially vare ze ladies are so killing as at Rabbit-
borough. Some von demand vat I sink of ze Orangemens. I reply I

do not vondare aftare ze vay zey have been treated zat ze Orange party
are sour, and zat I hope Lord Rossmore vill meet vit no more Ross-tility
from ze Government. I promise to vote for ze new scheme of County
Government, and von of my hearer who have just dine say it is mush
to be desiredd" He is chuck out. Some von move a resolution zat ze
Government are not at home in foreign policy, and all abroad in home
affaires. Von of my supportares move him. Zare is loyally fight.
From ze langvidge and ze row I almost sink myself in ze House of
Commons. I retire by ze back vay. Ze last I see of ze Mayor he have
got ze Vicare in vat you call chancery. Ze doctors of Rabbitborough
have been busy evare since.

Golden Charms.
THE servant girl who won the 4,ooo-prize in the "Arts DWcoratifs
Lottery in Paris, has had the good sense to bank all the money except
forty pounds, as since her good fortune has been known she has been
literally besieged with offers. It is wonderful how beautiful a girl with
four thousand pounds does look; she would to most men have "some-
thing about her (or, in this case, in the bank) which would be very

Itisalways sf Cadbury
"P erf6 cted Cadbs

COD'LIVEROIL io, o .-Cocoa
At 1,4, 2/6, 4/9, and 9/-. Sold Everywhere. PURE 11! SOLUBLE III REFRESHING Ill
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Pdblished (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February 6th, 5884.

FEBRUARY 13, I884. F- JU 63

THE foreigners are right. We Britons do take our pleasures sadly. What a dull affair Valentine's Day is at present I
~ ~ TEY PSS. ..I[S

The suspected original will probably make off in haste, pursued by the identifying postman.

~' VA

Why, he '1 get him into a comer, and carefully compare him with the picture. Should the suspect really turn out to be the party for whom the cariature is meant,
he forfeits one shilling to the postman; but, should the original of the valentine remain unidentified, the sender shall forfeit the shilling instead. It would be a lively
scene; and the postmen would not grumble at the extra work.

VOL. XXXIX.-NO. 979.

64 FUN. FEBRUARY 13, 1884

OR a wonder, I have no new piece to talk
about this week. There has been a three-
act "burlesque drama," entitled Camaralza-
man, produced at the Gaiety, but I haven't
seen it; and although I hear from some
folks that it is "awfully funny," and from
other quarters that it is dreadful rot," I do
not conceive those expressions to be suffi-
cient data upon which to found an exhaustive
'I'll ,' and reliable opinion. Should opportunity
I allow, my valuable opinion will be forth-
I .i.' I i coming anon.

There is something weird and strange in
this pause; and, looking to the number of
theatres now in our midst, it is pretty clear
evidence that the tide of fortune is flowing
freely in the direction of the several treasuries. But the lull gives me
the opportunity of giving vent to some desultory and vagabond thoughts
that have visited now and again what serves me-or rather disgracefully
fails to serve me-as a brain.

First of all, and apropos of the number of theatres, Mr. Mitchell, of
Old Bond Street and Threadneedle Street, has sent me a copy of his
very interesting and useful little work, entitled Plans of the London
Theatres.". These plans show at a glance the position of every num-
bered and reserved seat in all the principal London theatres (to the
number of twenty). I intend to find it very useful myself; I have
placed it on a convenient spot in the vast expanse of my palatial studio
(which was, I believe, originally intended for a boot cupboard), and
whenever I re-
ceive the usual f1 I
numbered invi- -t .
station to "come
and see the new r
piece, and bring
my scalpel," I
shall rush to Mr.
Mitchell's mas- I
terly compen-
dium, which
will tell me at
once, from the
position of my
seat, whether I
shall sit in that THE ROYALTY.-" CUT OFF WITH A SHILLING."
familiar draught,
or be in a position to overhear the inter-confidences of the members of
the orchestra, or be compelled to reveal the thinness of my polar covering
to a party in a box at my back, or enjoy the knowingness of that front-
row-of-the-pitite who recognizes for the benefit of a friend everybody
who comes into the stalls, tells him whose wife that is, and wonders who
Tottie has got hold of this time. Nineteen times out of twenty that
book will tell me none of these things; but I must have my little joke
for all that.

But that pamphlet raises other thoughts. Its by no means exhaustive
list gives twenty theatres, and there are, let us say, at least seven others.
Now, there are only twenty-seven available evenings in the very biggest
month we can produce. This sets the mind speculating. Suppose the
several managers of those theatres
Ot II .DS 1 should take it into their heads to pro-
I duce new pieces one after another every
evening for a month! What a game
| ". the critics would have, to be sure!
Then other things occur to one. By
the time the last piece was produced,
the first (supposing it to have run)
would be a month old, and possibly
ready to make way for a new one (but
that is not an absolute certainty in these
days of long runs); at any rate, it will
not be the great'stretch of imagination
to calculate (say) the lesser half of those
plays as failures. This would give the
managers thirteen more nights, by the
THE ADELIHI.-" IN THE RANKS." end of which time some of the weaker of
the remaining pieces might be ready for
displacement, so that, with a little ingenuity, it seems not impossible
that the managers might keep us going all the year round. And then
there are the matinnes. But this is getting rather awful. How the critic
would enjoy his Sundays !

Another matter, which gives rise to a good deal of thought, is the
growing tumultuousness (so to speak) of first-night audiences. Something
occurs to me which might act as a partial remedy, at any rate, and which
I will refer to presently. Strolling homeward the other evening, I was
pondering this subject, and a very pertinent article thereupon by Mr.
Clement Scott, which I had just been reading in the Theatre. I suppose
some of my brain was engaged with the piece I had just been enjoying,
the Palace of Truth, at the Prince's), and the two matters became
somewhat mixed ; at any rate, I found myself muttering thus:-
"When pits upon first nights like Banshee's wail;
When no stern Bobbies o'er the house prevail;
When galleries emit the chaff of slum;
When to the demon tryst grim critics come;
When managers, with no desire to chouse,
Declare The author is not in the house;'
When groans and cat-calls load the tortured air,
Oh, I would not-no, I would not be there 1"
I thought it was in the play, and I find it isn't.

But I think managers would probably find this boisterousness less, if
not altogether
absent, if they.
were to avoid eeui ]
Saturday, and I'
perhaps even
Monday, as
"first nights." i
The managers' I
best plan-an j, c l, a sc 1a d
absolutely cer-
tain one-is, of t" aiIn

duce good
pieces, for, to C
do them justice, -
critics never
start without fair cause, only, having started, they nine times out of ten-
gradually become unjust, cruel, and a special nuisance to everybody but
themselves. My suggestion of avoiding Saturdays is based upon the fact
of its being a half-holiday with the majority of these young men, and
there is a nothing-to-do-till-Monday exaltation of spirits about them,
which prompts them to wild deeds; moreover, on other evenings they
do not, as a rule, get free from their daily avocations early enough to
take a "brush up" and a meal, and reach the house in time for the
rise of the curtain. This might be made certain by commencing earlier
than the present luxurious hour of eight (just for one night). It would
drag us all prematurely from dinner; but critics don't matter. Monday
is a holiday with many, and should therefore, like all holidays, be
avoided-people are always obstreperous on holidays. I could expatiate
upon this subject, but I haven't the space: I give my notion for what it
is worth-of course the objection to it is that there is most money floating
about on holidays (half and otherwise); but I say no more.
There was a very interesting performance at the St. George's Hall on
the 31st ult. Miss Pattie Bell, a lady who has many a time and oft
proved a tower of strength to the noble corps of amateurs-I have my-
self once had the pleasure of sneering at her in distress, once had my
addresses scornfully rejected, and once caused her an illness and nearly
broke her heart by obstinately refusing to consent to her union with a
pink-faced young man much given to claptrap-and sundry amateurs
conceived thehappynotion of organizing
for her a benefit performance as some n!l )
recognition of her services and genial ij
kindliness. The support" accorded -
to Miss Bell on the stage, with one or
two exceptions, did not rise above the
ordinary amateur level. The support
"in front was contemptible; but let ke l'
us hope that the bad weather kept
many ticket-holders away, and not that
Miss Bell's friends had neglected to
"rally round." The lady's perfor- -
mance of Anne Carew, in A Sheep in
Wolf's Clothing, was well worth seeing /
-careful, refined, and not wanting in V. /
the truthful expression of feeling-
while her rendering of Mrs. Larkings, THE GLOBE.-A "CALsM-UN."
in Woodcock's Little Game, proved her
possessed of considerable sense of humour. Mr. A. Ayres, whose name
will be remembered as part author of His Own Guest, deserves special
mention for Jasper Carew-excellent in every way.
Miss Bella Howard's matinee and Petite Carmen at the Globe occur
too late for notice this week. NESTOR.

FEBRUARY 1884. F U N 65

THE war-fiend once more revels in scenes of blood and
And at the bare recital the nation holds its breath:
"Defeat and dreadful carnage." Alas! a sorry tale
Of weak ill-chosen forces and bravery doomed to fail.
An army of Egyptians unwilling and untrained,
With men like these a victory no leader could have 7
S gained ? "
Such men did Egypt's rulers to fight their battles send-
A wise assortment, truly! Alas! how soon the end!
Ah what could gallant Baker and his courageous band
Achieve with such an army? how could they hope to stand ?
A horde of furious Arabs sufficed with one wild yell
To fright these "pressed" Egyptians, and soon two thousand
Our fearless British leaders fought on with might and main,
Against the Arab spearmen they struggled, but in vain;
In cowardice and terror Egyptian chieftains fled,
Their own recruits inspiring with horror and with dread.
Then piercing shrieks for quarter, for mercy, filled the air, t L--
But soon the Egyptians' pleadings gave way to dire despair; -
The Arabs' spears impaled them, then knives gashed every -- the l
And then ensued such slaughter as o'er which demons gloat.
Amid that hell of carnage, while shots around them rained,
Almost alone the English fought on while hope remained.
And by many a deed of daring, self-sacrifice, and skill
Proved British hearts have courage and heroism still.
'Mid all this wretched record but one bright spot is found- w
No English warrior faltered, each bravely held his ground;
Some few, alas! fell victims, but gloriously they died,
And Britain, in her sorrow, will view her sons with pride.

For the Fourteenth.
Now Love is supposed to be pleasant, FIRST CHO P.
Much joy he is said to impart; Customer.-" I SAY, WAITER, THIS CHOP 'S POSITIVELY ST- GOT A
Yet Cupid, on days like the present, REGULAR BAD SMELL, Y' KNOW I "
Is cruel: he (h)arrows the heart, Waiter.-"'As IT, SIR? VERY SORRY, SIR! GET Y' ANOTHER, SIR.
And the missives he sends by the cartful Y'SEE, SO MANY GENTS 'AS COLDS IN THEIR 'EDS THIS TIME 0' YEAR,
But prove he is tricky and (d)artful! SIR."

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND THE MP.F.A.S.A. "Fellow-countrymen," he began, "the way in which the note of in-
CHANCING to be passing the Abbey a few nights since, just as mid- vitation, secretly circulated at my direction, has been responded to shows
night was tolling, and looking about me in my usual Extra-Special way, how deeply every Englishman of note feels the question at issue. For
Sir, I noticed a closely-cloaked and hooded figure pass me rapidly and many years, in my daily walks through Parliament Square, the terrible
disappear in the dark shadows about the door of the Chapter-House. fact that death has a terror against which neither religion nor philosophy
Whilst still wondering who it could be, a second figure, similarly con- can arm us, has been forced upon my attention. You, my fellow-
cealed from identification, stole past me, and was lost in the gloom, citizens, know too well what I mean." (Cries of "We do! we do!")
So I stealthily followed the next draped individual that passed me "Yes, my dear friends, the most harmless, the most retiring man
up to the very threshold of the Chapter-House, heard him knock thrice, amongst us may, when dead, become a victim to the most cruel indignity
and utter the word "Iconoclast!" on which the door slowly opened and that an effete civilization can afflict. It is an awful, nay, a crushing
admitted him. This only excited my curiosity still further; and as thought, but it must be met and dealt with; and that is why we are
several other cloaked figures came up, knocked, uttered the password, here to-night. Yes, this is the reason why I call on you one and all to
and were also admitted, whilst I stood behind a projecting gable, I made join the League we mean to form at once, under the title of the Mutual
up my mind, in the interests of your journal, Sir, to get inside. Preservation from a Statue Association.
To turn up my collar, turn down my hat-brim, and muffle myself in a Mr. Wilson Barrett, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Mr. Sims Reeves,
handkerchief, were operations quickly performed, and a minute later I Lord Salisbury, Mr. Ruskin, Lord Wolseley, and Sir A. Sullivan having
had the satisfaction of finding myself within the Chapter-House, which, supported the proposal, Lord Hartington, the hon. secretary of the
dim as the light was, I could see was almost filled, though with whom movement tro. tern. (during the absence of Mr. Matthew Arnold), read
it was still too dark to discover. But, after a few minutes of waiting, I the rules of membership, and the enrolment of members proceeded.
heard a voice strangely like the familiar mellow organ of the Premier Each person stepped in turn to the table, and took the proffered
cry, "It is time we proceeded to business; let the lights be turned up." pledge, binding himself "to endeavour, by all means in his power, to
I shall never forget the surprising sight that met my eyes. Within prevent the erection of that embodied horror known as a modern statue,
the octagonal walls of that comparatively small chamber were gathered, in or to the memory of any member of this association, alive or dead."
as it seemed to me, every living Englishman of eminence, irrespective An Emergency Committee was then elected, and invested with plenary
of politics, religion, or aught besides. I found myself, for instance, powers to act summarily on the receipt of any intelligence tending to
wedged in between the bowed form of Mr. Ruskin and the venerable arouse suspicion as to a proposed statue; and Cardinal Manning's pro-
Earl of Shaftesbury, whilst behind me Cardinal Manning, Professor posal to form a second Association for the Summary Suppression of
Huxley, and the Duke of Argyle were chatting in an undertone; and in Statues having being carried, the meeting ended.
front of me I recognized the unmistakable backs of the Right Hon. John But it was not till an hour later the gathering dispersed, and even
Bright and his Eminence Cardinal Newman. But before I had taken then, so deeply moved were the new associates, that they stood talking
stock of the mixed assembly, which in its notable variety was really earnestly in small groups in Parliament Square in the moonlight, ear-
more suggestive of a vivified windowful of photographs of celebrities nestly repeating their pledge one to another as they gazed on the sur-
than any ordinary gathering, a murmur of approval directed my atten- rounding ghastly evidences of the hideous fate they had just taken steps
tion to the fact that the Prime Minister was about to speak. to prevent from ever overtaking them.

66 IF _T T FEBRUARY 13, 1884.

7 1-r


won't; we aren't do it for anything. Please don't ask us to lay our-
THE ULTIMATE. selves open to being scathed, and blighted, and minced up small in a-
letter to a daily paper-one of his letters. We won't commit ourselves.
FIRST BRITISH JURYMAN (in a nervous whisper). I can't help it; I He might disagree with our decision, and then we shouldn't survive it a
don't know what's the matter with me, but somehow I can't fix my month. *
attention on the case. I feel as if- AN EDITOR. And just do half a column of comments on that libel
SECOND B. J. (in the same manner). So do I exactly-as if my soul case.
wasn't my own. I 'm sure I don't know what the witnesses are all A JOURNALIST. No-I won't! Suppose my view of the case doesn't
talking about. tally with his, nice mauling he'd give me. I '11 throw up my place on
THE JUDGE. Gentlemen of the jury, I must ask you once more to fix the staff first, that I will.
your attention on this prosecution for the witness-I mean the pounsel *
for the claintiff. Excuse me, gentlemen, I really feel quite unequal to- FIRST MEMBER OF PUBLIC. And what do you think of the merits of
just as though I- that case-Jones v. Brown?
COUNSEL FOR PLAINTIFF (to witness). Were you-I should say had SECOND MEMB. OF P. Eh? Who, I? Why, really I-I 've hardly
you-that is, did you-really, my lord, I must deg your inbulgence for had time to- (giving a secret and hurried glance all over his news-
a moment. I don't feel very well; I seem as if something was-were- pafer to find an authoritative letter on the subject, andfailing). No; I
COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT. That's just how it is with me. I seem really haven't any opinion about it as yet. (To himself) Glad I got
to feel as if I-I don't know. out of it. What a fool I should have looked if I 'd given an opinion,
THE WITNESSES. So do we. All over as if- and then he'd written to the paper and differed from me! (Aloud)-
PLAINTIFF and DEFENDANT. So do we. Weather it's the whether, What do you think about it ?
or-oh, dear! oh, dear! FIRST MEMB. OF P. Eh ? Oh, why- (doing same as SECOND'
THE JUDGE (collecting himself with a supreme effort, aud in a hoarse MEMBER, with same result). Oh! really, I've read the case so hur-
whisper to jury). Gentlemen, I have found out what ails me: I feel riedly that, &c., &c.
horribly nervous in trying this case : I feel as if some awful authority- .
some mind replete with infallible wisdom, from which there is no appeal THE LORD CHANCELLOR (at a secret midnight meeting of everybody
-were watching the secret workings of my brain with a view to pub- concerned in cases). Awful, you know; quite paralyses a feller! Assure-
lishing them in detail in a letter to a daily paper, and crushing me with you I often give an opinion contrary to my convictions out of sheer fright
caustic sarcasm. that he isn't of my way of thinking. Tell you what-suppose we always
THE JURY, COUNSEL, WITNESSES, and all the rest (in a hoarse send him a post-card to get his opinion on every case, and then act
whisper). That's it, by Jove! That 's what's the matter with us. accordingly?
THE JUDGE (as before). A something seems to tell me-(a kind of The other JUDGES, COUNSEL, POTENTIAL TURORS, &c. Hooray!'
creepiness all over)-that he's in court at this moment, with his eye Yes, that's the way to do it! I e can't go wrong; he's so authorita-
fixed on brain. I wish he wouldn't, you know. tive, you know. There'll never be any more miscarriages of justice.
THE OTHERS. So do we. We feel cold all down our backs. We'll never disagree with Mr. Charles Rea-
[Allfallflat on their faces and tremble at the name, while the House
COUNSEL (to the JUDGES OF APPEAL). My lords, will you have the of Lords unconditionally surrenders its position as the highest
goodness to re-try this case which-- Court of Appeal.

AGAIN this carnival of gaufred papers,
Unkindest cuts of Cupid cutting capers
To sauce poor sages;
Season more horrid than the time'of holly,
That makes men publish forth theit feeble folly
In pictured pages !j
Because, forsooth I some William wants to choose an
'Elpmeet (she 'elps him to my meat), my Susan
Must make me thinner
By spoiling toast and boiling tea, indulging
In dreams of hearts and darts, with which she's bulging,
Dratting my dinner!

I mustn't get my letters in the City
Because to-day libels are voted witty '
(When on one's neighbour);
And men who owe me money will not scruple
To put off paying lest they should centuple
Poor postmen's labour.

Postmen, indeed! as if their case was shocking,
When my head's. rocking with the hourly knocking,'
The giggle and snigger
Of girls at hall doors, maids at area railings
Poring o'er pictures of their charms (and failings)
In face and bigger."

Young men are mad as maids, and maids as misses;
The very air's pervaded by coarse kisses
And orange blossoms;
They give up tare and tret for wild hair-tearing,
Their hearts leap at each knock, that sets me swearing,
Like lively 'possums!

0 silliest saint in all the calendar!
You make the boudoir drivel like the "airy;"
But try your force on
Me, and you'll find no Cupid's bow e'er bent me
(Only one valentine was ever sent me:
That called me Orson!)

I Fub

ARY 13, 1884.'

~ K>.~ K K~


A) t1

~'\\ \

~\ -~-




=>I P.- -1

(See Cartoon.)
IN each Leap Year 't was the custom queer,
As doubtless ev'ry one knows-knows-knows,
That ladies might, if they thought it right,
To the swains that they loved propose-pose-pose.

And even now you must needs allow
No man can easily stop-stop-stop
A girl that sighs for a like emprise,
If she choose the question to pop-pop-pop.

Small wonder, then, if the boldest men
Feel just a little bit shy-shy-shy
With womankind, nor appear inclined
To mention matrimony-ny-ny.

Small wonder, too, if there came to woo
Maids of importunate sort-sort-sort,
And straight began with the Grand Old Man
To beg his moral support-port-port.

Should this so be, whether either he
Accept or list to decline-cline-cline,
The G. 0. M. is to-day for them
Their ownest own valentine-tine-tine.

FEBRUARY 13, x884. FU N 71

CERTAIN men and women, who live upon the doorstep of sense, are
annoyed when a comic paper declines to deride and lampoon all subjects
after the manner of a vulgar Christmas clown, and
elect instead to insert a few serious words casually
for the purpose of leavening its own merry baking
"staffof life." Even Sam Weller and Mark Tapley
had their serious moments, you know.

THE meanest and most despicable Europeans,
whether Englishmen or foreigners, should be
ashamed to gloat over, jest, and chuckle at the
^ Soudan disaster. Yet political pleasantry and
jovial jealousy will always hold supreme com-
mand over some warped minds, and excite merciless

DROLL home-birds, residing both in this country
and on the Continent, assert that the Soudan tribes
are struggling for liberty. Odd birds of flight, who have lived in their
country, state that these Arabs are fighting for slavery. Which ought
we to believe, the droll home-birds or the odd birds of flight ?

WE English may take our pleasure sadly; but we can quip right
merrily in earnest when asking for information from editors of domestic
journals. A grotesque but unoffending inquirer recently wrote to the
chief of a family contemporary, asking strange questions concerning the
resting-place, etc., of a lately defunct public functionary. The editor's
reply was: "Marwood was not buried in Westminster Abbey. The
Premier did not attend the funeral."

A PRISONER, recently charged with disturbing a Salvation Army ser-
vice, remarked, I only joined in; and as I have a strong BASS voice,
perhaps I spoke louder than the rest." The Court seemed to consider
that a cheap mild ale tenor, or, better still, a milk and water falsetto
voice would, have been more suitable to the occasion.

ON the Park Club card case being opened again on Thursday, Sir
James Ingham bowed, received the various members' pasteboards with
his usual grace, and winking delicately at the chief defendant, whispered,
"Jenks, you naughty bad boy, you have been playing high iinks with
some of 'em."

THE following are the latest bills introduced:-Mr. Labouchere: Bill
to prevent Members of the House fixing their cards on seats they intend
to occupy; such acts being to the detriment of an occasional legitimate
gambol among the said Members. Sir J. Hogg: Bill to abolish the sale
of bacon. Sir H. Wolff: Bill to call attention to the neglect of wearing
sheep's clothing by others. Colonel Makins : Bill to reduce the income
of several lawyers, and curtail "roars of laughter" in court. Mr. T. D.
Sullivan: Bill to suppress the
importation of Irish whisky into

A LEARNED physicianstates that
there is a decided increase in me-
lancholic complaints among the
girls of our present day, who often
sadly require occupation, amuse-
ment, and rational enjoyment. A
rapidly rising fashionable doctor
has just prescribed satisfactorily
for a hypochondriacal young lady
of title as follows:-Twelve dozen
pairs of the best gloves having
most buttons; twelve pairs of the
tightest pairs of French boots ob-
tainable; ten visits to the most
expensive Regent Street modiste; ,'
fifty yards of real Maltese lace;
sixteen dinners at the Holborn
Restaurant; one hundred walizes, "'
one hundred and one young men
to flirt with, mixed up; fifty-six pounds of French sweets; to be taken
three times a week to the theatre, and well shaken up with music and
champagne frequently. The patient recovered in less than three weeks.

THE new whistles for the police are to have notes, so that weary
constables may amuse themselves with sweet music during night-duty.
The Flipperty-Flop Young Man and I say, Cabby are likely to
be their favourite airs, we believe.



OH, Grand Old Jam!" whose virtue helps to make
The loaf of politics go down,
This opportunity FUN fain would take
To testify to thy renown.
In Britannia's House" thou hast for years been tried,
Thou art a compound she regards with pride.
Fear not the "House"-flies that around thee buzz-
Heed not the droning Stafford-fly-
Heed not the little Woodstock-gnat (who does?)-
Nor yet the Parnell-wasp so sly.
They cannot harm thee, if they give offence,-
Thy jar is made of genius and strong sense!

A Serious Warning.
ON the I4th of February-never mind when-the thin white hand of
the Duchess of Spanknaggington was closely locked in her husband's.
Silence reigned in the apartment. The duchess had not spoken for
nearly a year-even a nobleman's wife is not able to give many orders
when suffering from paralysis of the tongue, and the lady was afflicted
with this malady. The duke bore up manfully, and a trusting smile
was on his face when, after a sharp knock, the door opened, and Walter
the favourite page entered, bearing a packet on a silver salver.
The duchess opened it with a face expressive of deep anxiety, and
drew forth, with a strange shiver, a gaudy valentine and a number of
bottles containing inferior scent. The horror at seeing the valentine,
and the shock at a bottle of scent being opened, restored her speech I
The duke and the page listened in appalled silence as she made up for
lost tongue-time. "Humiliated outraged by a present of coarse
vulgarity! shrieked the lady as she swooned. Pity I did not get my
presents at RIMMEL'S," said the duke; "his valentines are always in
good taste, and his scent is sweetly unique." The page knelt at his
master's feet, sobbing, and replied, Cheap an' nasty things brings 'arm
an' errorss ; if you'd ony a-patternized Rimmel, we'd a-bin 'appy fur
ever perhapss" Then master and servant wept together till the shrill
harsh voice of the recovered duchess revived them also.

MR. COMMISSIONER KERR'S appeal against the Corporation, from
whom he sought to claim nineteen-fortieths of the fees paid at his court,
has been again dismissed. It is to be hoped that the Kerr-tain has now
finally dropped upon this matter.

72 FEBRUARY 13, 1884.

NEW SERIES, No. 7. AIR-" Tin-! tin! "'
S HERE are two
"young per-
to song,
Who chatter of
T newspapers all
the day long:
SIt's "Have you
read this?" and
"Oh, have you
( seen that ?"
And Have you
'/observed what
they mean to be
"These pars. in
the Standard
you oughtn't to
"Oh, look at
that leader;"
"Just listen to
And so they continue from morning to night,
Till people's remarks become quite impolite.
Click! clack! that's how their tongues go,
Click! clack! out and alack!
The 'Tiser and Times They read (for our crimes),
And spout the contents of them-clack! clack! clack I
Now Parliament's open it gives them a chance,
They read all the speeches (or give them a glance),
And tell us what Bradlaugh and Churchill have done,
And how the "Debate on Address was such fun;
They're strong on the elephant, late of Siam,
They call both his whiteness and sacredness sham-
You can't contradict them, they have such a way,
They 'll argue your head off whatever you say.
Click! clack! that's how their tongues go,
Click! clack! out and alack!
They're up in that freak Of "the burg-u-lar's leap,"
When he broke himself up with a crack, crack, crack!
They know all about the to-do and hubbub
Of thefite of the Forward (that's Birmingham) Club;
With Egypt's new cable they're also aufait,
And show their delight with a frequent "Hooray! "
The bankers and merchants, they 're also aware,
Have just been and dined with the City's "Lor Maire";
They also remark that, as far as they see,
They'd not care to travel in those wagons-lits.
Click! clack! that's how their tongues go,
Click! clack! out and alack!
They know, if you please, -That the gay Viennese
"Exceptional measures" don't lack, lack, lack.
Of the Berlin "white lady" expressing their doubts,
They '11 tell you the whole of the ins and the outs,
And explain that a ghost isn't one of their loves,
And "for 'Berlin white lady' read 'Berlin white gloves'i;
They know, and they speak in the sneeringest way
Of the Frenchman's attempt to enrol at Bombay
Some Lascars, to help them defeat the Chinese-
And they sneer and they sneer till they make your blood freeze
Click! clack! that's how their tongues go,
Click! clack! out and alack!
A tricycle show Has been holden, you know,
With machines for the road or the track, track, track,
Salmon-fishing's commenced, and each one of them vies
With the other in discourse of rods and of flies;
They know and they chatter, with intervals rare,
Of the chap who behaved like a beast to a bear
(Or so it was said); and they're down on the-law
Because Hezekiah escaped by a flaw;
The Islington swindlers they greet with a "Yah!
And regret the defeat of poor Baker Pasha.
Click! clack! that's how their tongues go,
Click! clack! out and alack!
They never will cease, Though you call the police,
And wrathfully tell them to pack, pack, pack.


HERE ve are against !" Zat is vat Leetle Randy say to me in ze
lobby; just like Leetle Sandy, ze ozzare clown in your pantomime.
.For ze holidays are ovare, ze boys in ze school of St. Stephen's have
come back to zeir lessons (mafoi! some of zem are larger vons zan
zey vill get tro vitement), and Madame Britannia have hand me ze
birch, so zat ze ecoliers hide avay zeir toys ven I say Rangez-vous, mes
enfants au travail!" I go shake hand vit Sir Henry Brand.
I say, "Mon chkr, zey should call you Henry Clay. For vy ? Because
zat you are a favourite Brand. I regret ve sall lose you bienidt." He
say, Nevare mind; in Mr. Peel ve shall have brand-new Espeakare to
appeal to. I go hear the Qveen's Speech-quelbonheur, if
ve could hear Her Majesty espeak it! Ze Speech say ve are dear ole
pal vit all ze old familiar faces ; zat zare is von plague still left in
Egypt; state of Ireland ver much mended ; franchise is to be extended;
frontiert ribes sall be defended; Local Government befriended (zis vit
Local Option blended) ; lots of cash to be expended ; hope zat all vill
turn out splendid (I mean to let Milor Tennyson see he is not ze only
poet in Parliament).
In ze Lords ze Masher King-I mean ze Marquis of Tveedle-(it vas
his very knee-breechity get-up deceive me)-move ze Address, and
ze young Lord Vernon, who is got up as von of your tvelve Lancers,
and who espeak as if he vere commanding his troop, second it. Milor
Salisbury say ze Government have paint the picture vit too much couleur
de rose. Milor Granville say Milor Salisbury's sketch is too sombre-
he prefer Salisbury plain to Salisbury coloured. NZanmoins, ze Address
is agreed.
In ze Commons ze Address is move by Mr. Elliot, and second by
Mr. Samuel Smit (I have hear ze names of Samuel and of Smit some-
vare else before, I am sure). Mr. Bourke move to amend it. Ven he
sit down, all ze Government have gone home to tea. Zare is division;
ze amendment is lost. Cependant, it vill nevare do to agree to ze
Address vizout vasting at least a veek in talking, so Mr. Make Kiver
move annozare amendment; and ze Ministry come back vit zare mout
full, and Sir Dilke, vit a jam tart in his hand, apologize he vas too busy
vit ze roast beefs to keep ze pot boiling. Ve adjourn.
Vennisday.-C'est trof vrai! it is too trues, ze defeat of ze gallant
Baker (fortunately he have not himself been butchered). After zese in-
formations, zere is a great din about ze last night dinner-time. Mr.
Gladstone say he alvays go home to tea-I mean dinnare-and ze
Opposition reply zat Ministares, if zey must dine, should bring sand-
vidges in zeir pockets or hats, and eat zem during ze debate. Mr.
Fowler move amendment on ze Transvaal Qvestion. He demand ze
Government should protect ze Zulus from ze Boers. I sink Mr. Fowler
could not say fairer, malgre vat Mr. Ashley say en response.
Sursday.-In ze Lords Milor Salisbury give notice of vote of censure
on ze Government for vant of sure sense in Egypt. Ze report of Gordon's
capture is canard, ze man zat send it a goose. In ze Commons Sir Norscote
give ze same notice, and Lord Hartington ze same information. Mr.
Chaplin is in hurry for Bill to keep out cattle from infected districts. He
move to amend ze Address Amendment, but, nevarezelesser, ze Govern-
ment vill bring in Bill bientdt.

"Mildness of the Season."
THE birds have made a mistake this year,
Begun to sing and to coo too soon;
Then follow their soft mistake, my dear,
Bask in the sun of a winter noon!
Love is in season the whole year round,
Winter is sweet when it feels like June,
Summer is here when the heart's unbound,
And some one will listen to love's sweet tune I

FEBRUARY 13, 1884. F U N 73

A Vain Valentine.
THE heart of your devoted Randy,
Fair Brummina, you have won,-
My former love to me was handy,
But with Miss Woodstock I have done.
Though by her I 'e been well treated,
Still, bright Brum, 'tis my design
To be by you with fondness greeted-
Let me be your valentine!
My former sweetheart, little Woodstock,
Loved me for my noble birth;
For I'm descended from a good stock,
And I'm famed for wit and worth.
Miss Woodstock is too small in figure
For ambition such as mine;
You, fair Brummina, are much bigger,-.
Fain I'd be your valentine !
Wherefore lavish your affection
On these Chamberlains and Brights ?
Liberals won't bear inspection;
Tories are the world's true lights.
Igo in for brag and braying, .
Arts in which few Liberals shine;
"Bounce I daily am displaying,-
Take me for your valentine!
Why should you, with all your glory,
Be without a proper beau?
(By "proper" I, of course, mean "Tory "-
Not like Johnny B. and "Joe ").
Big Brummina, I adore thee;
Wisdom I with youth combine:
Pray, when I soon come before thee,
Take me for thy valentine!
You've had my character just lately
From Lord Salisbury the wise;
He, you 'll find, respects me greatly,
Vowing that I'm sure to rise. H A D H I M.
Lo, he declares, in manner hearty,
That my gifts (and "gas") so fine Rev. Gr-egory Grabball.-"YOUR BENIGHTED INDIFFERENCE TO MY Ex-

MISPLACED BEAUTY. I recognize beauty in every line;
IT's running good reason to absolute waste I gaze in delight on its fulness of colour-
To try and impress on our insular people The way that the green and the yellow combine
That beauty's a delicate matter of taste- With blue and vermillion. Who wishes it duller ?
Not an obvious fact, like a stump or a steeple! I most unreservedly differ from those
What Britishers scoff at as hideous traits Who aye and for ever insist upon airing
Would possibly win an unanimous poean The doctrine that crimson disfigures a nose,
Of eager, admiring, unqualified praise, And emerald hair is obtrusive and glaring.
As marvels of grace, from the antipodean. Pursuing it further, I cannot agree
SWith parties (of minds of a morbid complexion)
T A BE AU T Y. Who hold that the person who sent it to me
Intended to jeer or to cast a reflection.
My molars project-I rejoice that they do;
My nose is enormous and red: I admire it.
I squint like a demon: this pleases me too,
For I hold that the canons of beauty require it.
An idol designed in the Seas of the South,
Canine in its teeth and oblique in its vision,
3 Retiring of nose, but emphatic of mouth,
o .Might seem to the Briton a theme for derision.
S.I've settled to live in a Southern-Sea isle
In which, as I venture to think with elation,
They 'll probably hail my particular style
Now, here is a valentine, voted grotesque Of beauty with pleasure-perhaps veneration.
By ignorant, prejudiced civilized creatures;
Designed as a wild and outrageous burlesque
On folks of pronouncedly prominent features. ONE of the latest new colours for ladies' dresses is called Cupid's
With much satisfaction I frankly agree- Smile." It ought to be very useful on St. Valentine's Day, and even a
And loudly proclaim it, with no reservation- little (l)aughter.
That this is the absolute image of ME:
I.say it with pleasure-complaisance-elation. AN ARTICLE OF MIXED NATIONALITY.-French polish.

To CORRESPONDENTs.-TAw Editor does not bind himself to acknowlkdfe, return, or pay for Contrbuttwns. lI no ca"s wili sAey bs roturwed unlosa
accomyanisd by a stamped and directed onvelope.

74 IF N FEBRUARY 13, 1884.

The Song of the Opposition.
AIR-" The Dutchman's Little Dog."
0O WHERE, and O where is our policy gone?
O0 where, and 0 where can it be?
We're a leader short, with a head that's long,
0 where, and 0 where is he?
What use is a body without a head?
0 where, and 0 where can it be?
That two heads are better than one, 't is said,
--But we prove the contraree!
F A fast-coloured policy-one that will wash-
O where, and 0 where can it be?
What we have is shoddy and utter bosh!
And worried and mad are we.
We've only to try where a fault we may find,
O where, and O where can it be?
And if we talk nonsense-O never mind,
If it bothers the Ministree I
Z Though something is wrong in whatever they
"___ 0O where, and O where can it be?
A statesman we need to carry us through,
__.O where, and 0 where is he?
Our policy once was of life and fire,
0 where, and 0 where can it be?
To insure another we must pay higher,
But where is the currency?
"Abuse 't other side when you've got no case,"
Is advice as good as can be;
Till we get another, our trust we '11 place
In this maxim of-policy.

The Theatre has a charmingly picturesque -
portrait of Miss Minnie Palmer, and an excel-
lent likeness of Mr. Kendal. The editor has a
strong vigorous article upon "First Nights at
the Play," and Mr. Godfrey Turner discourses
learnedly upon "Back Falls," a good subject
to fall back upon. The other contents are full
of interest.
The Century.-The art portion of this maga-
zine is particularly strong this month: instance,
the "Head of a Man," by Rembrandt; "The
Musician," by Courbet; the cuts in "How
Edwin Drood was Illustrated;" "The Portraits
of Dante," and many others. The accompany-
ing articles are equal to the art.
St. Nicholas also is remarkable for its art
productions, and the ever-charming stories and
verse to which they are wedded.
Household Words has the usual amount of
good sound reading and instructive matter.
Macmillan's begins with a sound article on
"The Expansion of England," by John Morley,
followedby "The Winter Exhibitions," more
-- of "The Literature of Instrospection," "The
M IWizard's Son," &c.
M I X E D. The Leisure Hour and Sunday at Home are
Ist Sportsman.-" BEAUTIFUL CREATURE YOU WERE OUT WITH YESTERDAY."- genuinely good. The Boy's Own Paper has a
2nd Do.-" AH I WHAT D'YOU THINK OF HER?"- Ist Do.-" A I. LOOKS WELL- capital coloured frontispiece of the officers of
BRED."- 2ndDo.-" COULDN'T BE BETTER."--Ist Do.-VERY GOOD ACTION TOO. "Our Royal Navy," and a coloured page of
MOUTH SOFT."- 2nfdDo.-" ER-WELL, YES."- IstDo.-" How OLD?"- 2ndDo. "Rank Marks." The Girl's Own Pafer is full
--2nd Do.-" LADY I WAS OUT WITH IN THE MORNING. WHAT ARE YOU ? "-- The Musical Monthly should command the
Ist Do.-" FILLY YOU WERE OUT WITH IN THE AFTERNOON." attention of the musical.
e OWgnal ad only
IdR D o S A Genuine produces dEglicious do Cd bm
m m ]l Cstards wtotEggs, at
B IR D n Pt alf ths cost and trouble.

6d. ho n and is.Established 1837. URE s
Solde cey . .

han will send Cc tie W In the
onee of cap, ,,,S dt CIt, prve theV~ a..
.ddes post.free, "PASTRY AND SWBETS."-A Little ueeaenit t S
Work Containing Prctical Hints and Original Recipes for romaddbyaUew proe m lSxPieMedaloawrdw
a st o D eo r t e D ionn and uppe r T abe. S G1 m.PU R E 1ll SO L U B L E ll R E F R ES H IN G lll

FEBRUARY 20, 1884.


1. /\ -

/ i -f "




THE White Elephant was evidently in a most uncomfortable state of
mind; he was sitting moodily in a corner on his hay, and turning up his
trunk with unutterable contempt.
Why don't you eat your dinner ?" we asked.
He turned his eye slowly towards us, but merely observed, "Ugh!"
For a few moments there was an awkward silence; then we ventured
to say, Something gone wrong? Palmed off British brandy on you in-
stead of Cognac, perhaps?"
"Pooh I" he replied surlily, "I'd soon put that to rights-pot by
violence, mind you ; I, have no sympathy with violence-but my air of
dignified command would soon---But that's neither here nor there.
Fact is, I object to being cut out.'"
Cut out ? we asked in astonishment. Why, are you not admit-
tedly the most sacred of all bea- "
For the first time his natural dignity gave way to a momentary ebulli-
tion of petulance, as he said quickly, "No, I 'm not! I've been grossly
deceived-flagitiously-a-duped-swindled-in point of fact." Then,
evidently ashamed of having been betrayed, even for a moment, into
violent language, he continued, "It was distinctly represented to me
before .I consented to start from my native land that I should be the
only sacred animal in the British Isles. On this understanding, sir, I

came here. What do I find ? They have attempted, sir, to keep the
state of affairs a secret from me; but in vain. It came upon me, sir, like
a-if I may indulge in undignified violence of simile-like a thunderboltl
Sir, I am not the only sacred animal in the British Islands; so far from
it, that I am far inferior in sacredness to a little miserable confounded
wretch of a-pray excuse me; but the outrage on my feelings!"
"But we can assure you," we said, "that the British do not-no
reflection, of course, on the wisdom of the practice-do not worship
animals at all."
The Sacred Elephant gazed at us; there was a momentary expression of
sorrowful surprise in his well-bred eye, which was instantly suppressed;
he was evidently mastering himself with a great effort.
I am grieved to find that you also can lend yourself to misrepres-
to be mistaken as to facts," he said calmly. "Let me, then, inform you,
sir, that the worship of animals is one of the distinguishing characteristics
of the British Islands. The deference paid to a few of them, such as
myself, in the East, is positively as nothing to the universal adoration of
them here. Let me ask you a question. Should I-even I-be permitted
to roam at will over the fences, and trample down the crops, of my native
country? Why," he exclaimed, "if there isn't one of the miser-one of
them peeping into my house !" And, as his pink places deepened in
a flush of indignation, we perceived an inquisitive fox-hound taking a
look in.
"There, 'sir I" exclaimed the sacred one, letting himself go. Who
would dare, sir, even to suggest that that miserable little animal should
not tear pell-mell over his sprouting wheat and annihilate it ? What
punishment, sir, would expiate the crime of the party who should shoot
that other miserable little animal he tears after-that thing with the
bushy tail ? What hope, sir, would there be for the hapless human being
who should cause a Derby favourite to lose the race by getting in his way?
What, sir, would a man not go through to secure success in reducing the
thickness of the tail of yet another miserable little brute-the, what do
you call it ?-the tarrier-tirrier-terrier? Isacred, sir? it is an outrage.
I am nobody. I am the victim of the most unscrupulous system of--
And the duped creature hastily passed his trunk across his eyes.

Foi.L-Boi.N interest dies young.

Vnt~, %XI-NO, 98fQ



76 FU N. FEBRUARY 20, 1884.

HE AVENUE.-Except for individual ex-
cellence on the part of the various artistes,
there is nothing of the slightest interest in
.-. the first two acts of Nell Gwynne. The
.' *' S first act is so loosely put together that it is
e',, difficult, without the aid of the book, to dis-
Scover "what they're at;" and for the
', second act, reliance is placed entirely upon
I, the well-worn, device of mistaken identity
(from which Mr. Farnie never seems able
[ *' 1 to shake himself free), doubled, trebled, and
i|i, ', quadrupled as to its victims, though scarcely
so as to its humour. The last act is short,
has a capital scena, capitally given by Miss
Florence St. John; and a genuinely funny
scene, both in conception and execution, for
Messrs. Roberts and Brough. By an odd
THE AVENUE.-MARJORIE, A coincidence, too, the dresses, which up to
BIT OF REYNOLDS'S. this point, though pretty and tasteful enough,
have been nothing out of the way, in this
act suddenly burst into some of the prettiest combinations of tints and
originalities of design that I remember to have seen. The music struck
me as rather monotonous and ordinary, but this is a point upon which
I should be sorry to be positive on the strength of a single hearing. The
Clock Song is very pretty.
The cast, from a singing point of view, is very strong. Miss St. John,
in the best of voice ; Miss Giulia Warwick, with the best of skill and
style; Mr. A. Cadwaladr (a new tenor of some value); and Mr. Henry
Walsham, form a goodly quartette. Mr. Dwyer wasn't bad when he
was in tune, but he frequently wasn't. Messrs. Brough and Roberts
were unde-
viatingly co-
mic through-
out, and Miss
Victoria Rey-
nolds (who
has been ac-
cused of imi- _e
tating Miss
Lotta and
Miss Palmer,
but who, in
England at
least, gave us
a taste of that
pecu 1 iar
mour which
is not unconnected with the management of petticoats some months
before the appearance of either of those ladies in our midst) gave a
funny bit of character. Miss Agnes Lyndon speaks her part with all
the rollicking animation of a piece of clockwork, and is evidently wound
up at the commencement of each act.

THE GAIETY.-As the following letter, which has fallen into my
hands, is evidently intended for some one else, I hasten to publish it at
once :-
To Mr. W. S. GILBERT, at the Savoy.
MY DEAR GILBERT,-Now that Princess Ida has comfortably settled
down for a long run
at what I may amus-
inglycall Mr. D'Oyley
Carte's electricky
theatre, as well as
been produced in
America (where, hoW-
ever, I am sorry to see
that its success has
only been partial),
you will naturallywant
to know all about
Camaralzaman, at the
Gaiety. It will please
you at the outset to
learn that, on its first
production, the com-
THE AVENUE.-P PING TIMES. panry showed a cheer-
ful reliance upon the
services of the
prompter, a disregard of the author's lines, an indecision of action, and
a taste for extempore interpolation thoroughly in accordance with your

well-known ideas and practice in these matters. All this (with the
exception of the interpolations) has been altered since, much to the
benefit of the
public, no
doubt, who
-find it a
V, bright, brisk,
and genu-
s finely amus-
i aing piece;
but who, not
without per-
s Itinence, in.
squire, If this
Swas whatyou
c meant to
make of it,
Mr. E. Terry
is exceedingly funny as Danasch, whose social position as a MDin gives
the foundation for a whimsical allusion to a certain ardent spint in the
shape of one pun, which turns up in many pleasant disguises at frequent
intervals throughout the piece. Mr. Terry whistles a very comical duet
with Miss Farren (if you remember the excellent whistling chorus given
by the Willie Edouin troupe at the Avenue last summer, you will guess
how comical it is). Miss Farren, who plays with all her well-known
sprightliness and go, has also a I Don't
Know So Much About That' song of -
novel construction, with quaint con-
ceits aimed at the marriage state, with
the freshness and originality of which -
you would, I am sure, be greatly de-
lighted. I am sure you will burst out
laughing, in spite of yourself, when I I I
tell you that Camaralzaman's pa is hen-
pecked, and goes on a larky journey
without his wife (as the King in the
Golden Ring, and other plays, is and
does). Mr. Elton is capital in this part,
and does a highly original dance in the
last act. Miss Constance Gilchrist,
who has succeeded to Miss Vaughan's
place here, succeeds also to ndt a
little of that lady's Terpsichorean
grace and ability; and Miss Phyllis
Broughton, who appears as a Peri in
a costume consisting principally of a
voluminous head of hair, seems (not a
inappropriately) to be coming to the
front. Mr. Chasemore's dresses show
much invention and taste ; and Herr THE GAETY-A WELL BRED-.JIN, 1N
Meyer Lutz's music, tell Sir Arthur, FACT, ONE OF THE DJIN-TERRY.
is tuneful and pleasant. Finally, it
will yield you much personal satisfaction to find that Mr. Burnand's ob.
servations of the habits and customs of Peris coincides with your own.
You will remember describing those beings as tripping, tripping, lightly
tripping,' for simple lack of other occupation; in the last act of Cama-
ralzaman they pursue a precisely similar course, for a precisely similar
"In the course of ordinary conversation,
you have doubtless heard a not too offen-
sively self-assertive person referred to as 'his
lordship; theatrical slang, you may also be
aware, has converted this into-what, for
obvious reasons, I beg to sign myself, yours
very admiringly, "A WELL WISHER."

THE GLOBE. -Any theory that the female
sex is able, unaided, to carry an enterprise to
a successful issue, received a severe blow at
this theatre on the occasion of Miss Bella
Howard's matinee. The company was almost
entirely feminine, and the performance of
Mr. Murray's Little Carmen almost entirely
A01 feeble. The principal point of the entertain-
ment was the prominence given to a certain
THE GAIETY.-THE PERI, brand of cigarettes; but where there was so
WHO DOESN T COME ON, BE- little fire, it is not to be wondered at that the
CAUSE SHEs BROUOHT-ON. puffing was not very successful. It would be
obviously unfair to judge the lines, when the
majority of the performers allowed us so imperfect a version of them.

FEBRUARY 20, 1884.

Babies' Trains.
A crusade of the Paris Figaro has prevailed upon the Paris, Lyons, and
Mediterranean Company to start special trains for babies.
'T is not the sleeping-car I see,
When a prophetic vision peeps
Into the train that's bound to be-
I see the cars where no one sleeps;
I see the lines, like leading-strings,
Arranged to stave off babies' pains
And pins, and hung with babies'" things"
I see the Babies' Trains.

Ah, happy caravans they '11 fly
(E'en as the "crow") straight, nor do,
Spite Stephenson's renowned reply,
The smallest harm to any "coo;"
To "Precious pets !" and "Diddums, then?"
The patient pointsman nobly deigns,
And stokers must have clean hands when
They stoke the Babies' Trains.

The guards, as nurses, will abate
Their present most unpleasant shout;
The porters will perambulate,
Instead of baggage, brats about;
And where the searching whistle's din
Now maddens passing poets' brains,
They 'll signal with a rattle in
The coming Babies' Trains.

Ah, babies, happier than czars,
Who travel fleeing, feed for form,
The damsels at the railway bars
Will keep your feeding-bottles warm;
Your rolling cribs will have no stove
Hurled in them through the double panes,
And hush-a-bye bye-laws alone
Will rule the Babies' Trains.
And, infant voyagers, perhaps
You will not think it wondrous strange
If people with no taste for paps
Fully appreciate the change;
We love your little fun and fuss,
We weep over your aches and pains,
But if you never ride with us,
0 Babies, bless your trains!

"OH, how I do love the dear old English customs 1" gushed Mrs.
Blunderberry with girlish enthusiasm, as she watched from the window
the postman delivering his packages of valentines on the morning of the
Ugh 1 grunted her lord and master from his seat at the breakfast-
table, "you only want an article to be written about you in Notes and
Queries to be an old English custom yourself. Is it one of the customs
of an old English wife to let the bacon get cold before assisting a
famished husband ? Is it one of *the customs of an old English Blunder-
berry to stand sucking its finger at the window while a lord of the crea-
tion perishes for lack of sustenance?"
"Do you remember the valentines you used to send me before we
were married ? asked his good lady, with a sudden tinge of colour in
her cheeks, as she poured tea into the coffee in lieu of hot milk. "Oh,
they were just too beautiful for anything !"
"You're a judge of beauty, ain't you?" sneered Mr. Blunderberry,
with his mouth full. "You're a Ruskin in petticoats I What you don't
know about High Art isn't worth knowing. Why, ma'am, your face,
when you have your frilled nightcap on, is for all the world like a lace.-
edged valentine itself. You only want a distant view of a church steeple,
and a near perspective of a young gentleman with no clothes but his
wings, to be sold for sixpence at any respectable stationer's. Two turtle-
doves and four lines of halting rhyme would set you up complete as
Cupid's emissary."
"Yes, dear," said Mrs. Blunderberry, who had but imperfectly fol-
lowed her liege lord's remarks, so wholly was her attention engrossed
by picking out the fattest sausage and placing it on his plate, "yes, dear,
as I was saying, I do so love all the old customs, and fairy tales, and
nursery rhymes, and there isn't a prettier one in the book than Valentine
and his Cat."
Great Magog I" cried Blunderberry, is the woman in her senses ?
Don't you know it was Whittington, not Valentine, that had the cat ?"
"Well, I'm sure, Solomon, there are other people besides Whitting-


Second Sawbones.-" NOT A BIT OF IT, MY DEAR BOY. IT 's A PERFECT

tine who have kept cats, and all the same I am certain it was Vallington
who turned round three times and caught the Lord Mayor of London,
because I used to play at the game when I was a child.
Ugh I" growled the great and good'man, as he pushed away his
plate in disgust, "I can pardon your inaccuracy in consideration of the
length of the time that has elapsed since you could have played that
game. I tell you what it s, Mrs. B., with your giant intellect you should
study, you should give your mind to one subject-say the alphabet-and
master it completely. Why, ma'am, with a head like yours a penn'orth
of rouge and a guinea wig would turn you into an elegant ornament for
a hairdresser's window."
That's the prettiest thing you have said to me for, oh, ever so long!
exclaimed Mrs. Blunderberry, and she slid round and kissed the place
where the hair ought to be on the top of her husband's head. Do
you know I shall think of that pretty speech all day as your valentine
to me, Solomon ?"
So you shall, my dear," said Mr. Blunderberry, mollified in spite of
himself, ifit will be any comfort to you. You shall be my Valentine.
Why, a yard of beard and a ton of dirt would fix you up as the saint
himself. Good bye, Valentine," and Mr. Blunderberry brushed his hat
and beamed softly on his better half in a better temper than for many a
long day.
"Good bye! good bye I What is it I ought to say ? Oh, do stop. I
shall think of It in a minute."
"Can't wait-time's up," said Mr. Blunderberry) kissing his wife;
"good bye, Valentine, once more."'
He was already half-way down the garden-path, when Mrs, Blunder-
berry suddenly remembered what it was she wished to reply, so throwing
up the window, she called after him, "I've got it now, Solomon-
Orson I Good bye, Orson I Good bye, Orson I"
Mr. Blunderberry turned in savage wrath and shook his fist at her,
while a shout of laughter from those upon and in the omnibus) which
was drawn up at the gate waiting for him, made her dimly realize that
once more she had said the wrong thing.


78 FUJN". FEBRUARY 20, 1884.

"THE search for explosives annually undertaken in the cellars of the Houses of Parliament, which has or many years been little more than a matter of form, is
now carried out with great thoroughness. -See Newshajers.

"They'll find yer I" sniggered the spectre of Guy Fawkes to the Modern Dynamiter. "Here they come, poking in every corner."

And the spectre watched with delight as the Modern Dynamiter was "They ve executed him by this time," it chuckled; "and.now I shall
led away. have another ghost for company. Here he comes!"

What? luavee'texecutedyou ?" it exclaimed, indignantly. "Hezecootid me?" said the M.D : "no fear. They jest give me seven ye'rs penal, an' then let me out
arter three weeks; and 'ere I am back again on the same lay, on'y knowing my ropes better this time." Well, of all the unfairness and favouritism I" exclaimed the
speetre. "They executed me! I shall just walk upstairs and complain about it."

F TJN.--FEBRUARY 20, 1884.

y_ L- q-L



cAZ'x a,


1 11 __,

(See Cartoon.)
NOT with an army at command,
Not fenced about with guns and swords,
But trusting to his single hand,
Amid a host of savage hordes,
The hero Gordon wends in haste
Across the desert's arid waste!

Beset with peril lies his way,
Yet fear he wots not-Nelson-like.
His life would be an easy prey,
If that the Arab dared to strike;
But over him there hangs a spell
The Soudan sultans know full well.

Oft hath he taught to Eastern minds
The grace of noble-hearted deeds;
Oft cast abuses to the winds,
And succoured men in direst needs:
Then shall the charm, that all allow
Is grandly his, forsake him now ?

Oh should the power of his name
Bend the False Prophet to its thrall,
And make him deem the hero came
To pay him just a friendly call,
The ruthless carnage soon might cease,
And Egypt be again at peace !

FEBRUARY 20, 1884. F U N 81

THE QUEEN'S "Leaves having been delicately analysed, are guaran-
teed to be of homely, healthy growth. The allusions in Her Majesty's
admirable work to
Scotch whisky toddy
being brought round
and imbibed on suitable
occasions, while raising
ire in the breasts of
teetotalers, have excited
envy in the minds of
patriotic Irishmen. A
native of the Emerald
Isle says, "Her Majesty
can attend certain rites
in Scotland, and drink
a baby's health in the
condinsed moisture av
the country. Look at
this, now! If her Royal
Sd I Highness would only
t b honour a respectable
wake in would Oireland
wid her company, and
taste a reasonable quantity av the rale pure distillation, niver asking as
to whince it comes, whince it goes, or about excise duty, begorra! but
Parnell would have to retire next day."

MR. GLADSTONE and our Liberal party have pursued the policy they
conscientiously considered best for the interests of our country in Egypt,
therefore, whether mistaken or not, they are entitled to fair play. If
(as Conservatives maintain) our Government is lamentably sick and en-
feebled, is it just professional treatment to anatomize the Ministry before
death with blunt hatchets ? A little cynical, rapier-like sarcasm would
be a relief to the Cabinet after the dull thud of noisome abuse.
BY a miraculous combination of common sense unusual in royal per.
sonages, the Austrian Crown Prince and Archduke John have managed
to discover and expose an American spiritualist. If they could only
contrive to bring their aristocratic detective qualities to bear upon Irish-
American dynamitists with success, the British Government would
willingly purchase each of them a life ticket for Madame Tussaud's.
WHEN Mr. Michael Davitt lectured recently at Newcastle-on-Tyne
anent "The Irish Problem and its Solution," a large and uproarious
audience greeted him, so Michael drew a loaded revolver from his pocket,
which was a very natural thing to do, as that deadly weapon is partly
typical of "The Irish Problem and its Solution." He forgot, however,
to bring a packet of dynamite to sit on, or a surgeon's knife to flourish
about, therefore his simile was unfortunately incomplete. Some Catholic
priests and the police worked hard to quell the tumult occasioned by
the advent of Michael, the brawny North country constables being awe-
stricken at the muscular power shown by the reverend gentlemen who
acted as chuckers-out."
SOME time ago, a Yankee Judge having hanged himself, an American
paper commented on the act as follows: "This is a move in the proper
direction, and tends to simplify
our legal business wonderfully."
English judges are too well paid
to commit suicide; but one
mounted the treadmill last week,
and worked the wheel at Armley
Gaol; but he lingered not long
enough on it. Three months of
such healthy labour would give .
mental repose to some of our legal
luminaries, clear their brains, and .
be an advantage and relief to
society for the time being.
LIBEL frivol1 is a sort of fatal
gift to some people. The beings
to whom this boon has been accorded ought to cultivate it, and not
write rashly, as a person did to a friend the other day, "You just need
a little treadmill or a good punching, for I regard your transactions as
worse than a straightforward thief." Feeling there was some inspired
thought here on reading this curious communication in a contemporary,
we wandered about Whitechapel with our watch dangling out; then we
pulled out five-pound notes in a Limehouse coffee-shop and waved them
about; finally we knocked at the door of a police station, and im-
mediately dropped on the doorstep, shamming sleep, but clutching a
golden sovereign in each hand; but alas I we found no such hideous ex-
crescence as a "'straightforward thief,"

NEW SERIFs, No. 8. AIR-" Little Miss Muffltt."
(OW let us once
more to the
news of the
To treat in our
usual tone;
Ha fu u titself And the tune to
Which most
things occur
(so to speak)
Recount to a
tune of our
.In Europe,
in Asia, in
Africa too,
There's plenty
of news to
h be had;
will find am-
d. pIe, it's true,
(As Little Miss Muffit once sat on a tuffit
Consuming some curds and some whey,
So FUN always hovers around and discovers
The various news of the day.)
That club that got playing at cards in the West
Has found itself on the wrong tack,
But gambling's a sorry affair at the best,
0 gamblers, repent and try bac."
This Easter, it seems, Volunteers will brigade
With the regulars, instead of review,
Which decision has made Brighton sad, I'm afraid,
For she said that the thing wouldn't do.
Oh, Little Miss Brighton, whom few things can frighten,
Will hear of this news with dismay;
But the Volunteers spied 'em, they'll sit down beside 'em.
And frighten the regulars away.
The news we've from Egypt's as bad as you like,
Though Tewfik's behaved like a man;
The deeds of that "noble six hundred" may strike
The balance against those who ran.
America's bothered with floods a good deal-
Her people are suffering pain;
And parties, the breath of whose life is to steal,
Are threatening Epping again.
Oh, Little Miss Public, with vigour that cub lick
Who bothers you every day,
Who sits down beside you to jeer and deride you,
And barter your "commons" away.
There's poor Mr. Bradlaugh (oh, isn't it sad 1)
Another law suit he has lost.
And Parliament 's treated him nearly as bad-
Oh, ain't he tempestuous tost I
And some one's been racking and racking his brains
For something to scribble about;
He's pitched upon clerks who play cards in the trains
(They may overdo it, no doubt);
But the job is too tough, it is certain he '11 muff it
Who tries to deprive them of play;
When once they've espied him they 'll sit down beside him,
And fritter his fortune away.
The times in Vienna are not of the best,-
Had Fortune there settled our lot
We might as policemen have weathered the test,
Although we should probably not.
Cetewayo has bidden existence adieu,
SIt had little for him, we fear;
Bad weather we've had, and we're promised some new,
And another depression, we hear.
But Little Miss Muffit, she sits on her ~tuffit,
Her Majesty's Book is her prey;
There FUN has espied her, and sat down beside her,
And nothing can drag him away!

82 1FTJN. FEBRUARY 20, 1884.

"SIT down, Johnnie," said FUN; "you've been playing in Egypt
long enough, and got yourself in a dreadful mess-no, just see that
Gordon is safe first. That's it. Johnnie, there was once a little boy
who had an island all to himself- "
Oh, ah! I know," said Johnnie; "another of those political squibs
-eleventh thousand, limp boards, of all booksel- "
"Be quiet!" said FUN. And the island was surrounded by water;
and there was a good plucky water-sprite who was incessantly making
his way across the water to distant lands, just to bring home to Johnnie
every necessary and every luxury he asked for. There was no limit to
the generous water-sprite's devotion; but, unfortunately, the water round
Johnnie's island was subject to sudden fits of roughness, while the coast
was surrounded by nasty sharp rocks; so that, although the poor water-
sprite was afraid of nothing, and could make his way through most
storms, the dangers of the coast were too great even for his safety, and
he would often, when returning with his strong arms laden with good
things for Johnnie, find himself in imminent peril of his life. Often and
often he had hurt himself dreadfully on the sharp points, and several
times he had been thrown up ashore nearly drowned- "
Oh, yes, 1 know," broke in Johnnie; it's a pantomime--"
No, it isn't, Johnnie; it's far more like a tragedy than a pantomime.
Well, in spite of the fact that Johnnie was very fond of his brave water-
sprite, and was for ever writing and singing new gongs about him, and
his valour, and his good qualities in general; in spite of the fact that he
would frequently find tears of commiseration in his own eyes, brought
there by the effect of his own songs upon his own imagination; in spite
of all this, it never occurred to him to make little harbours all round
his island where the water-sprite might make his way ashore in safety."
"What a little ungrateful beas-no, I don't mean that," said Johnnie.
" Of course there were-that is, there may have been, or might have
been, good reasons for his not making the harb- "
"Oh, dear, no I" said FUN. "There were no reasons whatever,
except his carelessness as to the fate of the devoted water-sprite. I
daresay you could tell me the name of the sprite, now?"
"Wot ? said Johnny sulkily, how should I know ? "
"Perhaps if you were to exercise your memory a little--"
Oh, well, I s'pose the sprite's name was Poor Jack."
"Well, it 's-a very good guess anyhow," said FUN. "Well, Johnnie
did a great deal of talking about 'Poor Jack,' and even went so far as
to insist (though in an imperfect and not over-effectual sort of way) that
the cockle-shells which Jack sometimes niade his voyages in should not
have any holes in 'em ; but then, you see, this didn't cost Jack anything.
And Johnnie had a pet criminal whom he was always condemning to
(fully-merited) penal servitude for life; and Johnnie's way of carrying
out the sentence .was to lock up the offender and send in a chaplain to
his cell, armed with a bottle ; and when the criminal had dropped a
certain number of tears into the bottle, he was let out to go and repeat
his crime, which he never failed to do."

t r_.m,,, > -"r wnffA --- iJ I/
"What a fool Johnnie must have be-! No, I don't mean that."
I do," said FUN; "and so does a certain good fairy who has
made up her mind to insist upon the water-sprite 's being better cared
for. So this good fairy-whose peculiar name is National Refuge
Harbours Society'-has determined to go to Johnnie and put it thus:
-' What good do you fancy you are doing by making that criminal
drop tears into that bottle ? Do you suppose that the poor water-sprite
wants more salt water added to the quantity he already has to fight
against, to make it rougher still? Why don't you make the criminal's
release dependent upon pounds of stonework instead of pints of tears,
and gauge his repentance by works instead of sobs? Why don't you
make him build harbours of refuge for Poor Jack ? Besides, see what a
lot of money you would save yourself in losses of cargo.'"
"By Jove I" said Johnnie, with tears of nobly generous emotion;
"she s about right there." That fairy will touch Johnnie's heart yet.

A STARTLING FIGURE.-The water-(r)ate (8).


IT is Februarys ze nine, but ze noble lords are not in b 9 state of
minds. Ze statue of ze Grand Duc de Vellinkton he is to go to Alder-
shot, and because ze Grand Duc is for to go to camp, lots of noble lords
are discontent. In ze Commons Mr. Gladstone, en rpfonse to Mr.
Ochone, say ze Government vill not take no notice of ze article in ze
paper of Mr. McBrien, Speed ze Mahdi." Maintenant, in ze debate
on ze Address zey take lots of notice of Milor Rossmore, who vould not
let cloaked treason be sheltered in Ireland's Ulstare. Mr. Gibson say ze
only sin of ze young lord vas loyalty. I am not surprise, zarefore, zat
ze Parnellites are so bittare against him; but now ze Government back
zem up I demand of zem to draw it more mild, and not to vip ze horse
zat pull to pacify ze mule zat kick.
On Monday ze Earl of Longford declare he have long long ford-I
sall mean longed for-return of his vatare rate. Milor Selborne ask if he
don't vish he may get it. Ze noble lord explain he mean ze ecstatic-I
mean zatisitic, not zatisnotic; I mean it-tiens! I have got him !-sta-
tistic return of ze vatare rate. A diner ze Lor' Chancellor ask me for it,
and I say ze vatare rate is von qvartaire vatare to tree qvartaire vicksky.
Ze landlord vill put in ze rest of ze vatare. Apropos ze garrison at
Sinchat, ze Opposition demand Yes or No," que oui on que non, vill
ze Government relieve Sinchat ? Gladstone, & la Ge'rvaise, vill not say
"Yea or Nay." Le Roi est mort! Cetevayo is dead. Colenzo and I
Cetevayo, ze vite bishop and ze black king, gone ; how goes ze game?
Dunn is king-ze king, alas I is done for. Le pauvre Cetevayo. La mort
has saved him-from his friends. Aftare ze dead Zulu, ze live
bore; aftare tragedy, burlesque-Mr. Bradlaugh svears Mr. Bradlaugh
in. Zis done, Sir Norscote move zat he be not allowed to do it. Mr.
Bradlaugh having voted, Mr. Healy move his vote be expunge. Mr.
Healy's move is carry; also Sir Norscote's. Ze next move is by Sir
Norscote, zat Mr. Bradlaugh move himself. Zat move also is carry.
Mr. Bradlaugh go home and ordare von hundred Stiltons I mean
Chilterns-zat is ze cheeze undare ze'cirstumcances. Sir Norscote is to
be call ze Grand Old'Chuckare-out.
Twodays.-In ze Lords Milor Saulisbury vat you call bell ze cat for
ze cat's sin-zat is, he blame ze Government for ze fall of Sincat, and
move Vote of Censure on zeir policy en Egypte. Ze vote is carry by-
majority of ioo. Zeir is great row in ze Lords ovare zis Ioo.
In ze Commons zere is more great row ovare ze Ioo vich Mr. Brad-
laugh have take of Chilterns. Qu'est ce que c'est ze Chiltern ? Toute
suite, Sir Norscote challenge ze Government policy in Egypt. He say
Mr. Gladstone may be great on jam, but here he have got in a pickle.
J'am satis! Ze Grand Old Man reply, and is follow by ze grandiloqvent
young von, Milor Randolph. Ze debate is adjourn at von o'clock till
Sursday, and I go home like von o'clock.
Vennisday.-Mr. Raikes raike up ze question of Grand Committees.
He say zey are grand failure. Mr. Gibson say to Mr. Raikes, "Zat is
hoe P"
Ze Land Registry Bill of Sir Giffard, for Middlesex, is read two times,
and landed, .
Sursday.-Quel horreur! Lord Sudeley declare to ze Lords ze rail-
vay vill run tro your Park of Hide, but hided undare ground. And he
say, "No blow-hole." Lord Vemyss is cross because zare are so few
cross bench. Lord Granville, en response, is in funnyform. Ze Commons
keep up ze adjourn debate en Egypte. Sir Lawson have lot of jokes
save up in ze recess. Zare is no room for zem in FUN, so he bring zemr
out in ze House. Ze poor House is glad to adjourn encore.

A L'EAU PEnRSON.-Aquarius.

FEBRUARY 20, 1884. FUN 83

Rank's Resolve.
They (the Government) might defy the opinion of England and
of the civilized world, but at least the Peers would discharge their re-
sponsibility ; they would place on record the conviction of that House,
and of the large and influential section of the community whose opinions
were reflected there, their protest of indignation-they would not be
accomplices in the completion of dishonour."-Lord Salisbury on the
Vote of Censure in the House of Lords.
SOME persons complain of the House of Peers,
Some people, alas! appear to object to it-
And treat that August Assembly with jeers,
Or otherwise show their disdain with respect to it.
Yet an earnest warning it e'er affords
To those who to peers show incivility,
When they see them continue-these noble lords-
To discharge their immense responsibility.
"Pray, what are their duties? perhaps you 'll ask,
And may fancy your query is most embarrassing.
But no, not at all. Their particular task
Is to use all means of Gladstone harassing,
A Liberal Ministry's not their "form,"
And G. of reforms displays fertility;
So to aid the Tories in raising a storm
Is the chief of their Lordships' responsibility.
Thus, they found in this painful Egyptian theme
To gird at the Government fine opportunity;
So at once, with fidelity quite supreme,
They posed as the friends of a vast community."
And 't is touching to see how the great Lord S.
(Whose "gibes" are to Britain of great utility)
And his fellow-peers their disgust express,
And thus discharge their responsibility."
Such a chance of a mob-catching party cry
Neither they nor the Tory M.P.s could let slip at all,
Lest these troublesome Liberals, by-and-bye,
On certain abuses should tighten their grip at all.
So, from Randolph to Salisbury, lo I they thirst
To point out the Government's great sterility ;"
But the Upper Chamber, you see, was the first
To bravely discharge its responsibility."
And e'en if Egyptian affairs had not
Presented a chance for this Gladstone-worrying,"
These yearners for power would have found some blot
(Or made one) to show we "to ruin" were hurrying.
Then how can we natives of Britain thank
Our fortunate fate with enough humility ?
Let us sing in praise of these peers of rank
Who so nobly "discharge their responsibility."


LANDOWT FEWREOUS, a wild-eyed person of middle age, was brought
up before Mr. Blank at Dash Police Court, charged with being a vestryman
at large.
Suspicion had been first aroused some time ago by the eccentric habits
of the prisoner, several persons having observed him in th6 act of pur-
chasing a "Dictionary of the Billingsgate Language," which he was
subsequently seen to study on several occasions.
Owncertoo Short, a butcher, having been sworn, deposed: "I have
been in the habit of supplying meat to the prisoner, and experienced
much satisfaction at the large quantity he consumed. On several occa-
sions he called at my establishment, took up a side of beef, and consumed
it without turning a hair. When the bills came in he always expressed
much surprise and indignation that the ratepayers had not settled them

Sir Wordington Bullie, M.P.-" I HEARD SOME VERY UNPLEASANT
W-rdington Bullie the Younger.-" I WILL, PA-THAT IS, TILL I'M A

for him; and then he would fetch the Billingsgate Dictionary, and select
such expressions as he thought applicable to me."
Mr. Gottagood Cracke, a neighbour, deposed that the prisoner was in
the habit of starting from home with heavy articles of furniture under his
arms, apparently with the intention of attending a meeting at some place
or other. Pedestrians whom he sighted stood in considerable danger,
owing to his habit of hurling chairs and tables at them, by way, as it is,
supposed, of keeping his hand in and improving his aim. Witness and
other neighbours had suffered considerably.
Here a number of neighbours were brought into court, and it was
observable that all of them wore many pieces of plaster, supported them-
selves on crutches, and wore their arms in slings. The clergymen from
the neighboring churches having proved that they could not hear them-
selves preach, on account of the power of prisoner's lungs when he
practised repartee (which he did daily, all day),
Several physicians were called in to interview the prisoner, and were
unanimously of opinion that his mind was in a parochial state, and that
he was subject to acute vestrymania. He was therefore ordered to be
detained during the Queen's pleasure.

"A DONATION of one thousand pounds has been presented to St.
George's Hospital by an Old Governor,' as a mark of the donor's
satisfaction with the condition of the wards." A young friend of ours
says he wishes all old governors would donate at that rate-always in
favour of deserving objects, of course. As to the wards, he says his
latch-key (who goes round 'em regularly every night about two a.m.)
reports them bright, clean, and cheerful.

THE little woman catch the fearful man.-O. E. POTTS.

W To CORRISPONDMNTS.-The Editor does not ind himsei/ to acknowledge, return, or fay/or Contribution. In no case will thisy I retwrmnd unlen
accomasiHd by a starred and directed wvlohs.

84 FN j". FEBRUARY 20, 1884.


TURF CUTTINGS. Stone, however it-may strike you,
To THE EDITOR OF FUN. Probably may serve you ill-
oTHE EWATER LOO CUP. Yet, however it mislike, you,
T W T L C ""Morrison rmay give.a pill.
SIR,-Here's that tip I promised you. I don't say it's good, and I Take the dogs (it puts it neater),-
don't say it's bad-I 'm indifferent. Anyway, it's decidedly my I 've a weakness for Black Peter.;
TIP FOR THE WATERLOO CUP. Yet I'vethought for many days
Keep your eye, whatever your station, That False Standard I would raise;
Right on-some one's nomination. Che Sara confidence evokes-
Ah, if you win 'twill be a hoax
That of Pilkington or Fawcett? But whatever the upshot be,
Or will Miller's last hold out? Gentle public, look at me:-
(Get a coin and go and tawcett
If you have the slightest doubt.) I will venture, like a man,
Osborne's scarce will be a late 'uin All I own on Spic-and-Span.
If it keeps is even way; And if any one can say fairer than that, I should- like to see him do it.
You'11 fight shy of that of Deighton I am, with lots more tips to follow,
If you've wisdom, I should say. Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
'Iorrison's I strongly, favour,
And in no uncertain tones-
Yet there's of.success a savour SPEKERLASHION is permissible in a man.of stror, but unpardunebbel
In the name of Mr. Stone's; in a man of undowted meens.-O. E. POTTS.

'" The CLEAN Black Lead."
Successive awardsE
for Excellence of
Quality and CAUTION. -.If
Cleanliness in use. Cocoa tblckens in theA

BLACK LEAD ," o S.rc h.0
BEWARE of Worthless Imitations. PURE III 0OLUBLEi! 1 REFRESHING 111
London: Printed by Dalziel; Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors by W. Lay, _53 Fleet Street, .C.
Wednesday, February 20th. T88, 4.

FEBRUARY 27, 1884. FUN. 85

After attempting to extort water-rate on gross value from a ratepayer, returning his cheque, and allowing him to afply at the Hamntersmith Police Court,
the west Middlesex WIaterworks Company admitted that they were in the wrong, and gave in. After a similar attempt, compelling a ratepayer to attend thrice
at Lambeth Court, the Southwark and Vauxhall Company did the very same thing. See newspape-s.

Ap I I




to do so;

86 IFU N. FEBRUARY 27, 1884.

S"-- .OOLE'S.-Paw Claudian, o, the
Roman Awry, by Mr. F. C. Bur-
nand, now playing at this theatre,
M is probably the funniest burlesque
that has been produced for many
years (I expect somebody, with
: S that astounding brilliancy which we
have learned to expect, has already
characterized it as "a happy
thought! "). Mr. Burnand is not
above resuscitating an old joke or
I annexing a new, but he is anything
I, but incapable of inventing very
comical ones of his own. His
I Claudian is represented as suffering
from quite a different sort of "cuss "
to that Pronounced upon him, but I
ToOLES. "WHO'S THAT WINKING AT suppose that "doesn't matter in a
TOOLS.-W W G AT burlesque," and the thing is con-
ceived, carried out, and acted in
such an unflagging spirit of inventive and infectious drollery, that there
is not a dull moment in it. Mr. Burnand has done his work well and
completely ;
he doesn't
seem to have !
missed a )
chance: atthe .
same time, he i-
owes not a /.
little to the r 1h",
company. .!l" -

Mr. Toole .
as Paw Clau- I I
dian (the '.
meaning of .
the title is 7,--- .91
rather diffi-
stand, by the
way : we make a suggestion of a possible solution in the accompanying
cut, but we do not stake our existence upon its accuracy)-Mr. Toole,
with the assistance of a gently sugges-
tive nose and, when he chooses, a voice
modulated to a Barrett-tone, gives an
extremely comical travestie of the ori-
iEF.T. a good comic song, "I pipe my eye,"
sung with a quietly dry humour that
gains him an encore, is a capital Coal-
Holey Clement; the very name of Miss
Thorne as the gentle Sirena is provoca-
i Ii tive of laughter; and Mr. Shelton as
the Tetrarch, and Mr. W. Brunton as
\ Agazil, give very divertingly exagge-
rated portraitures of the originals; but
ujI the mimicry of Miss Marie Linden is
something marvellous; the tone of voice,
the peculiar slow-striding, half-stooping
ToOLE's.-RirI VAN WINKLE, walk, the tremulous head, clutching
fingers, and other little mannerisms of
Miss Eastlake are hit off with the closest fidelity compatible with a most
mirth-moving exaggeration. Most of
the gentlemen are so capitally made up
that, if they didn't speak, they might
easily be supposed to be the originals
just strolled in from the Princess's. The
non-imitative parts are played with a
good deal of spirit; and, in short, as I ,
said before, it is probably the funniest
burlesque that has been produced for '\ \
many years; and if you don't "die
a-laughing" when you see it, you don't '
deserve to see it-there !-and I can't -.
say worse of you.

OLYMPIC.-Cast Adrift, by Messrs.
R. Palgrave and F. Gover, which has
already, I believe, seen the light at the TOOLE'.-THE TETRARCH'S JIG--
Surrey and Sadler's Wells Theatres, is ISN'T IT TETRARCHTIVE.
now playing here. The literary merits
of the piece are not high, and such observation as it displays is rather

of the lesser melodramatic drama than of nature. It contains about
the usual proportion of inconsistency and improbability, and from the
nature of the construction (which is, however,
on the whole, good), the last act partakes of
I the character of anti-climax. In spite of its
defects, though, sufficient dramatic skill is
displayed to make it a very effective and
I workable play; the sensation scene is a good
S / one, and the acting is exceptionally good and
i-- spirited. Miss Alma Murray's refined style,
though, maybe, a little out of place, is ob-
viously a clear gain to this kind of piece, and
Miss Laura Linden's quiet naivete is very
refreshing. Mr. Austin Melford plays the
III lighthouse-keeper, an old salt, to the life, and
Mr. Fuller Mellish is fuller brightness, and
has some skill. Mr. H. H. Vincent, irre-
S sistibly reminding one in appearance of Mr.
SAugustus Harris in nautical drama, is very
TOOLE. AGAZIL. FOR stagey, but he is supposed to be a faultlessly
ENEMIES COMING WITHIN noble young man, so I can find no excuse for
REACH OF HIS HAnMMER describing him in the programme as one
IT AUGURS ILL !!! "where every god did seem to set his seal to
give the world assurance of a villain." The
remainder of the cast gave a good account of themselves, and the scenery
is rather good.

HINTs.-To-morrow, Thursday evening, Signor Salvini commences
at Covent Garden a series of performances which is to continue on
every Mon-
day, Friday,
and Satur-
day, up tothe
5th of April.
He will be
(he is what r
is called a
" heavy" _
man, you
know) by a
large com-
pany of fo-
reign ladies
men, and it HATE!! (Foams.) I'LL HAVE HIS BLOODI a1
may be
hoped, large and enthusiastic audiences.-Mr. John L. Child gave the
last of his series of four recitals at St. George's Hall on the 19th inst.,
on which occasion, in addition to the usual "selection," he appeared, in
conjunction with Mr. James Fernandez in some of the principal Othello
and Iago scenes" of Shakespeare's tragedy. The success of Mr. Child,
who has added several new pieces to his repertoire, was quite equal to
that of previous occasions.-Mr. Samuel Brandram is at present giving
a series of Tuesday afternoon performances at Willis's Rooms. I have
not had an opportunity of attending one of them yet; but as they are to
continue up to and inclusive of April the Ist, I still have a chance or
so left. The three-act comic opera by Millocker, called The Beggar
Student, will be given at a series of matinees at the Comedy Theatre
next month, at which theatre,
by the way, Falka reached
its hundredth night on Satur-
day week last. This lively
piece will probably make its !
two-hundredth and three
hundredth record in due /
course, for which all con-
cerned are entitled to Falka-
redit (full credit?).
Miss Lila Clay starts a tour
with another "ladies only" -
company. Mr. Augustus M. -
Moore supplies her main at-
traction, a piece bearing the
title of Posterity. Mr. Moore OLYMPIC.-MAKING A BOOK-THE LORE O'
says "things will not be all LINDEN.
the same in a hundred years,"
and, dating his story 1984, shows woman as the sterner, and man as the
gentler sex. The Royal Victoria Coffee Hall has started the season
with a large amount of spirit-I really beg pardon, I mean with great
vigour. NESTOR.

FEBRUARY 27, 1884.. 87

Lydia to Horace.
"Horace" means a News Agency at the office of the Great Northern
Telegraphic Company.
I ALWAYS suspected them, dearest,
These new intellectual stores;
I knew the brain 'cutest and clearest
And largest and fullest was yours.
I knew that your lovely old Latin,
Your roses and raptures, can't bring
In enough for my sealskin and satin,
Nor half the Falernian you sing.
And here it's made public, it's printed-
You ought to know print's always right,-
That everything known, hidden, hinted,
You only-you dear !-bring to light.
You flash forth the dread tales of fighting
In Tonquin and Soudan; you flash
Fresh plans to keep H. George from writing
New schemes to keep Parnell in cash.
You tell me French journalists' duels,
And Bradlaugh's more modest set-to's;
You pass from stage stars' real jewels
To waifs who've not even shoes;
You range, 0 my Poet, from horses
And betting, to bonnets and gloves,
From weddings to deaths and divorces-
And sometimes you mention true loves.

How you roam! from the Mahdi's Gehenna
To the Pole, and, describing a curve,
From Anarchist-honeycombed Vienna, ag l
To Russia soliciting Merv.
If it were not for you we should never
Know the least bit about Irving's tour,
Nor that Randy had said something clever,
Nor that Bismarck behaved like a boor.
0 vast mind of infinite knowledge!
You can't think how much more sublime ON THESPIAN GROUND.
You seem than when, quoted at college, Senex (they were discussing the popular Actress).-" CLEVER, DON'T YOU
A mere wretched master of rhyme. THINK?"
But one doubt, dear, does make me sorry,- 7uvenis. -"DESSAY. TOO MUCH OF THE STATUESQUE BUSINESS FOR
Perusing your novel work through, ME. THEN SHE SEEMS SO COLD AND HARD."
You're greater than ever, O Horry! Senex.-"OH, YOU MUST EXPECT THAT, DEAR BOY THEY SAY SHE'S
But are you quite always as true? TEEN CUT OUT OF PORTLAND!"

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT KHARTOUM. that telegraphic communication with Khartoum is interrupted, why,
THOUGH I started for the Soudan, Sir, within three hours of the re- doubtless you will understand upon what mission that mysterious horse,
ceipt of your cypher post-card, I did not manage to overtake" Chinese" or rather camel-man, who was seen leaving my quarters at daylight on
Gordon en route ; but I was so close upon his heels all the way, that the morrow, was bound, and why it was, as he gently caracoled past the
although there was no absolute communion of "soles" between us, I h General's," a voice like unto "Chinese Gordon's was heard bidding
actually entered Khartoum before he had been there a day-nay, for him at all hazards to "wire ind! "
that matter, I found him when I got there just getting through his first In accordance with my usual practice, I have endeavored to secure
"minute," which I had the honour, I may add, of subsequently dis- new subscribers to your estimable journal, Sir ; but, somehow or another,
patching by special camel post to Sir Evelyn Baring at Cairo. it doesn't seem to a "Khar-to-um" to take in a comic journal just now,
Gordon, as you know, Sir, is very "particular" for a "general,"- though I promised them a Special Soudan Number, with local jokes
in the local Fun, an Arab publication called El ur, head lib.
in the local Fun, an Arab publication called El fufer, he is alluded to By the way, I shall certainly try to induce the Mahdi to join your
as the British Government's General Servant, or Mahdi-of-all-work,"- staff. He must be a most comical wag in his way, if what the Arab
and he did not as much as smile when I alluded to the double-humped barber here tells me is true. For instance, my informant, who declares
beast which bore my camp equipage as my kettle-drumedary. But ere to me he sold the False Prophet an artificial beard shortly before e
darkness fell, he had learned to know and appreciate me better; and started as an impostolse Prophet an artificial beard shortly before heto
when, in response to his remark that the Mahdi was an anachronism, I the Red Sea as the "Mahditerranean," and has a grim way of saying
exclaimed, Yes, ever-victorious one he ought to have been born in every time he sharpens his scimitar, that "Allah never intended the
'Mahdieval' times," he sent out aned requisitioned the only bottle o Egyptian ass to be driven by the Giaour with a 'Baring' rein."
champagne in Khartoum, and helped me to make a night of it. Yes, Sir, I feel I should get on with the Mahdi, and as soon as I have
We talked much, only ceasing our conversation as frequent telegraphic completed the translation of the "Works of Joseph Miller" into
inquiries from Lord Granville and Mr. Gladstone were brought in by Soudanese-Coptic-the Soudan-easiest dialect for my purpose-I shall
Stewart. At first the General took them patiently, and dictated civil pay this waggish old Emir a visit.
though laconic answers; but at last he lost his patience as he read out Meanwhile, I am cheering the hearts of the Khartoumese with selected
to me:-" From Granville to Gordon,-Please wire, in addition to extracts from back numbers of your admirable journal, Sir, and pro-
former statements, full details of your confidential intentions and pro- moving, as far as possible, the Millertary-Joseph Millertary, I mean-
bable course of action, for information of Mr. Ashmead-Bartlett "-and aspirations of the garrison, as they man the redoubts which have been
cried aloud, Oh that some wandering son of the desert would but cut built by that redoubtable engineer Colonel Coetlogon. Gordon is busy,
this confounded telegraph-wire dividing the country between the various tribes, from Sou-Dan, even to
As he spoke, our expressive eyes accidentally met; and, impelled by Sou Napthali; quite happy since the wiring of Lord Randolph
a Soudan and irresistible impulse, I slowly winked. Churchill's questions, and the articles from the St. 7ames's Gazettc, have
If, then, in the course of the next day or two, Sir, you should hear ceased. For the present, therefore, Sir, and also for my birthday present,
SBy the way, Sir, the reason I could not over-take the General was, perhaps, be- due on Tuesday the 4th of March, I must ask you to send on my "cir-
-cause I was bound on so serious an under-taking. What do you think?-Y.E.-S.R. cular notes" by a more roundabout route!

88 FEBRUARY 27, 1884.


WHO's won?" cried Mrs. Blunderberry, as she came hurriedly into
the parlour, pinning her collar with one hand, and reaching for the
newspaper with the other.
"Oxford, by eight lengths," growled her lord and master, without
raising his head from the perusal of his favourite column.
Mrs. Blunderberry pondered deeply, and pensively put three spoon-
fuls of brown sugar into the sardines.
I mean, who's beat ?" she said, presently.
Cook, by one hundred and thirty-four points-spot stroke barred,"
replied Mr. Blunderberry.
Again the good lady reflected, and in a fit of absent-mindedness
placed the kettle on the tablecloth, and set the best silver teap6t on the
"I 'm talking about Parliament," she said, bewildered.
Oh, are you, indeed, madam ? replied her husband, with profuse
mock politeness ; "and do you consider you are paying proper respect
to the finest deliberative body of men in the world when you speak of the
rival parties as if they were a couple of carpets? Can you by any means
reconcile it to your conscience to refer to the Liberals and the Conser-
vatives as if they were a game at hopscotch? Who's won?-Bah I
Who's beat ?-Pooh! And Mr. Blunderberry resumed his newspaper
with an indignant rustle.
I was so afraid they 'd lock poor dear Lord Randolph Churchill up
in the Clock Tower when they passed a vote of censure on him for not
swearing when he took his seat for Northamptonshire," said Mrs. Blun-
derberry, rather communing with herself than addressing her lord and
master; "for nobody knows what may happen when it comes to a
"What do you suppose they have been dividing, Mrs. B.?" asked her
lord with savage emphasis, as he peppered a grilled bone with relentless
That 's just what I want to find out, Solomon. I know there was
to be a division, and I know that American gentleman who came over
as Mr. Barnum's agent with the white elephant-Mr. Henry George-

I know he said all the land was to be taken from those who had it, and
divided amongst those who hadn't it; and then when those who hadn't
it had it, those that hadn't it could call for a fresh deal."
Mrs. B., with a pack of cards round your neck, and a row of counters
down your dress for buttons, you'd only want a patent and an adver-
tisement to be a new and original game yourself. A set of rules and a
boxwood case would fix you up complete as a fashionable outdoor amuse-
ment. Make yourself known, Mrs. B.; publish your merits in the daily
papers; send a handsome copy of yourself, with a pretty letter to the
editor, and in another six months no garden party will be complete
without you. Oh, you are a game-a fearful and a wonderful game-a
beautiful and a mysterious game!"
"Now you're making game of me, Solomon-he! he! he!" tittered
the good lady, smiling down to her back-hair; making game of me,
Solomon, do you hear?-he! he! he! What can you say to that?"
"Say?" cried Mr. Blunderberry, waxing wroth. Say? Why, I
say that, old as I knew you to be, I never knew that you were in the
Ark with Noah till you made that joke. Say? Why, ma'am, you only
want a committee of old gentlemen in spectacles to sit upon you to be a
highly respectable fossil. Hang it I Mrs. B., you only need a book to
be written about you and your joke, and a label to be stuck upon you
both, at the next meeting of the Paleontological Society, to be acknow-
ledged as marvellous specimens of pre-Adamite formation."
How you do go on, dear I" said Mrs. Blunderberry, imperturbably.
"I know it's very clever, but you haven't told me yet who came in first
in Parliament last night."
There she goes again l" cried her lord and master, appealing pathe-
tically to an imaginary audience. "Talks as if the House of Commons,
was a foot race I
"And there it goes again l" cried his better half, pointing to the
passing omnibus. Another cab again to-day, Solomon."
Then Mr. Blunderberry, muttering strange words, dived down the
garden path ; and his wife, with a smile of triumph, took up the news-
paper, and murmured as she skimmed its contents, "I'm glad that
Bradlaugh got a majority, and turned out Marriott I"

(See Cartoon.)
THOUGH the Opposition needn't wax so very furious
Just because we've gone the way to which they weren't inclined,
Yet our Soudan policy must seem a little curious
To a man unbiassed in the workings of his mind.
First there's nought to fight about,
Then no cause for fright about,
Then we strive by arms to drive
The rebels to the right-about;
Whilst the net result of an authority so "wavery"
Hardly profits any save the traffickers in slavery.

Where, might ask the Khedive, is your Britisher tenacity,
Famed for holding what you've got, and sometimes taking more ?
Why, might ask the Mahdi, don't you wink at my audacity,
Letting me ramp onwards as you kindly did before ?
First you looked so pleased with me,
Then you looked so teased with me,
Then you get into a pet
And almost look diseased with me!
What reply ? We're governed by a statesman of ability;-
Still, there's such a thing as an excess of volatility.


uARY 27, 1884.




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G.O.H. (sings) "I AM SO VOLATILE! I


"And there are voices, increasing in number and in volume, which call for Lord Randolph Churchill (as leader).! Lord Randolph is now the possessor
of a new dignity, with a title long enough to satisfy the pride of a grandee of Old Castile. He is the Chairman of the Council of the National Union of
Conservative Associations."-Daily Paper.
WHENEVER any nation is in need of a leader, Fortune comes to its aid in its crisis;
I, Randolph the Rampant, am a capital example; and my usefulness beyond all price is;
And my party have made me (because of the wisdom that's hidden beneath my vituperations)
The Chairman of the Council of the National Union of Conservative Associations!"

Sir Stafford's much too meek and mild-
'T is I who have old Gladstone "riled."
Oh! don't I make the Liberals wild ?
They can't shut up this child!

Didn't I go the other day and address the Jingoes at the Prince's Hall up in Piccadilly ?
And I pitched into the Moloch of Midlothian "-rather !-(thus I christened the Grand Old Billy).
When I artfully asked them, "Who's to be your leader?" they said, "You!" and applauded my orations-
And I'm Chairman of the Council of the National Union of Conservative Associations!

And the fellow who dared to try to move an amendment was summarily ejected by my hearers,
Which proves how I 'm respected, and my followers believe in me, and won't allow any interferers!
And I showed that no Liberals are "rational beings," and they shiver if you mention foreign nations-
And I'm Chairman of the Council of the National Union of Conservative Associations!

And the D. T. (which gets a little mixed now and then-a combination of Liberal and Tory),
Says men begin to worship the rising sun--meaning me, Lord R.-and I call that glory!
While the Daily News admits I can pick myself up, after any amount of tumbles and agitations-
Besides, I'm Chairman of the Council of the National Union of Conservative Associations!
Sir Stafford's too open and honest and kind, and Sir Robert Peel said at Prince's Hall truly,
Sir S. sits twiddling of his thumbs and considering what to do "-and isn't, like me, unruly.
Many papers declare I'm a sort of two-edged sword, cutting both friends and foes in my asseverations-
And I 'm Chairman of the Council of the National Union of Conservative Associations !
In short, people say that my influence is growing, and, by Jingo! I fancy they've hit it.
Some say I'm more fitted for pantomime than politics; but, of course, I 'm not going to admit it.
You see if I don't shatter this queerish Quaker Government! and as leader folks shall hail me with ovations-
For not only does my gabble cause agitation and sensation, but also cachinriation-and, moreover, I 'm Chairman
of the National Union of Conservative Associations!!!
And though I often am reviled,
And frequently a "nuisance" styled,
From chattering I 'm ne'er beguiled:
It suits-it suits this child I

FEBRUARY 27, I884. FU N 93

COME and be a member of the riotous M.P. rams! Ridicule, rally,
and revile; wallow and luxuriate in abuse. Men fairly let loose from
the thraldom of domestic tyranny are
always apt to use flouting words to-
wards these to whom they are opposed.
After leaving their wives with a matu-
Sf S tinal kiss, our political epithet-mongers
i" A ~ seem to bud, blossom, and develop
their hot-House of Commons rancour
uncommonly well. In the race for the
world's uncouth Parliamentary Lan-
guage Cup, our modern British states-
men are well in front of the senators
of the United States, and are likely to
beat them in a canter. The question
is, do our ribald M.P.s take lessons in
vituperative verbosity from those
worthy ladies whose profession it is to
purify domestic linen, or from their
own wives, daughters, and sisters? We know not.

THE Globe and the Hecker have fairly broken out into poetry over the
Soudan business :
"From the Globe's tent the clarion sounds, with rending clangour hurried
From Hecker's cave each note resounds, baa! baa! black sheep Tories,
baa !"
Why do people who wish to air grievances, or to inflict cruel pain on
their adversaries, rush so frequently into verse ? Is it not possible to
make prose strong and objectionable enough for such purposes ?

A KEENER official investigation regarding the strange mixtures sold
by spirit vendors would cause a smaller number of customers to emerge
from haunts of revelry and refreshment, ill beyond the hope of recovery.
Two persons have recently been inkwidged at Chester, having de
parted suddenly after imbibing a horrible compound of wine, spirit, and
beer-cask drippings. Our music halls (places of mental and physical
entertainment too terrible to even mention in polite rose-watery society)
are frequented by thousands of persons every night, which fact consti-
tutes a good and sufficient reason why a grandmotherly Government
should see that the health of those reckless people should not suffer by
the moisture they sometimes consume while being amused. The law is
severe enough on milkmen who adulterate milk with wholesome water.

AT the seventh annual meeting of the National Food Reform Society,
Mr. T. W. Richardson was both cordial and communicative, stating
that he had been a vegetarian from his birth (he didn't start this life on
curried lobster and devilled kidneys). Mr. T. W. R. also whispered
that every one ought to consider the question of abstaining from animal
food because flesh meat is at the root of the drink ;-only when a dead
horse happens to be buried under a grape-vine, we venture to add.

MR. HOSACK very properly refused last week to convict a woman of
theft on such evidence as a
"theory" of the police.
After the "hushed-up"
Scotland Yard-cume-German
Embassy explosives case,"
the less we tolerate police
"theories" the better for
the community. Police
"theory" indeed! Why,
we might expect to hear
of an eminent artist being
arrested as a vagrant simply
because he chooses to wear
a shabby hat, should the
police "theory" fashion be
allowed to flourish.

SUBLIME unselfishness is'
indicated by the conduct of
some women. A few weeks ago a poor female was absolutely arrested
for trying to teach her child the iniquity of theft, by burning its hands
most effectively. The prisoner did not mind being run in for the act:
she gloried in it, and sobbed out that she was a martyr. Another matron
has just made an entry into the desolate dock, charged with burning her
stepdaughter in divers parts of the body. This lady was very full up
with self-abnegation, stating that respect for the eighth commandment
induced her to burn the child, and that in doing so she had only per-
formed her duty towards the naughty girl, as ought to be lamed better.

FIRST CITY CAT. How queer to be able to lounge about the roadway
in Cheapside all day long! I can't help thinking it's night.
SECOND C. C. No; it does seem strange. I've just been taking a stroll
round Capel Court and Throg-
morton Street, and you can hear lilii
the echoes of your meows for ten
minutes. A Mark Lane cat I
know tells me it's just the same
there; says it makes him feel quite
FIRST C. C. Well, it does, you
know. I don't quite like to see all
the shops shut up like this, and
never hear a sound like this. Be-
sides, there's nobody to feed us ;
and if it weren't for the mice and
SECOND C. C. I have an idea
that everybody's dead, do you
know? Hist! There's a human
being-haven't seen one for six -: -
weeks; let's follow him and see -
where he's hurrying to. "
FIRST C. C. Why, the lines of -
railway between the City and the
suburbs are all closed and decaying.
Ha! I hear a distant murmur like
bees. Yes, here are the human
beings at last, all in a dense mass
round a building; some of 'emr with
tents, and some of 'em without;
and all sitting on the ground: and
SECOND C. C. Why, it's police
court they 're gathered round, and
they 're waiting for it to open. Look! there's Mr. Jones, who used to,
arrive at his office in our place in Cheapside at exactly five minutes to.
ten every morning; he's camping out with his family by the door.
FIRST C. C. And there's his friend, Mr. Green, who used to part
from him every morning at the third lamp from the Mansion House-
Station, and say, Well, the Government'11 have to explain that some-
how." He 's got his own little coffee-pot and roll just outside the
policemen's entrance.
SECOND C, C. And here's a splendid new set of offices, next door
to the court. What does it say on 'em?-" Overcharge and Sticktoit
Water Company. Permanent Litigation Offices." Here's the Police-
Court Cat-let's ask him.
POLICE COURT CAT. "Nobody comes to town now"? No, nobody's
likely to any more ; they've all had to adopt a new calling-fighting the
Water Company about flagrant overcharges. They always beat the-
Water Company; and the company always makes the overcharge again,
next day, and has to be fought anew.
THE CITY CATS. But surely it does not find it to the interest of its
P. C. CAT. It doesn't care a button about the interests of its share-
holders now. All it wants is revenge, ever since the Dobbs decision ;
and its only object is to annoy the ratepayers.
FIRST CITY CAT. I 'm dreadfully thirsty. Ha! there's one of the
company's turncocks; I '11 ask him to give me a drop of water.
TURNCOCK. Water? Wot's water ? Oh, ah I-I know; thin liquid
stuff wot folks used to wash in. Ah I by-the-bye, now I come to think
of it, I used to have something to do with it before the company took
to its new line o' business; but I ain't got nothing to do with water
now; I 'm retained to serve summonses for the company.
FIRST C. C. Suppose I were to try the reservoir, where you pump ?
TURNCOCK. "Ressyvore"? "Pump"? We don't pump nothing
but the ratepayers. Oh, ah !-I know what you mean-oh, yes I But
it ain't used for water now; it's used for holding' the old summonses an'
all the other papers connected with the cases; but it ain't 'arf big
enough, and we're a-making several more on 'em.
THE CITY CATS. Hullo! what's this crowd of starving persons?
POLICE COURT CAT. Oh! those are the poor people. They couldn't
leave their work to fight the company, so the company diddle them
out of every penny they earn. In fact, that's all the shareholders have
for a dividend; all the rest is spent in litigation.
THE CITY CATS. Oh, well, if we can't have anything to drink, we
suppose we can find a place to sleep in-some disused corner.
P. COURT CAT. Oh, dear, yes I All the private houses are disused,
and quite at your service ; but you '11 find 'em a trifle damp, moss in the
fireplaces, and-stay a bit, though-the cisterns are nice and dry.

94 FUN. FEBRUARY 27, 1884.

NEw SERIES, No. 9. AIR-"1'll tell them my father's a MAarquis."
HERE'S a medi-
I .A~ .rT~ (We'replunging
VDo.' te tAL L Or they're trying
i s11v % to work its
j u a-d formation,
'I e For volunteer
A gra brc rifle men,
The ,a please;
I At Plymouth
Sae. they've just
I been unveil-
A statue of
Drake (on the
And sIeerl. i Anod School
And .' aBoard ex-
pense wants
Ber curtailing,
I woOr where will
erit finish, you
Do they think we're a duke or a marquis,
With several thousands a year ?
But, e'en if we were, we are fain to declare
We should find it a trifle too dear;
Why, gracious! and bless us and save us!
For other folk's learning to pay!
A Tantalus brew-if our ancestors knew,
I wonder whatever they 'd say ?
The Water Co.'s keep up the struggle;
A great breach of promise we scent;
The genial Marriott juggle
In Brighton is now "the event ;"
Messonnier's portrait and Mrs.
Mackay are the talk of the hour;
That wild vote of Censure with hisses
And laughter we quite overpower.
And here is the wife of a marquis,
And several ladies as well,
Into Albert Hall drop, where they open a shop
And various articles sell;
They get themselves up as nice "peasants
Before at shopkeeping they play-
Could one find a peasant who chanced to be present,
I wonder whatever she'd say ?
Referring to Henley Regatta,
They say Poplar Point is to go-
Mr. M. has behaved in the matter
Extremely politely, you know;
They'd seven years penal allotted
Those lads of the Clarence-the worst;
And some one, it seems, would have potted
His Majesty Humbert the First.
At a recent club dinner the Marquis
A Beaconsfield "sculpture" unveiled,
And from east unto west with an unctuous zest
The Government gaily assailed;
He 's yearning and yearning for office,
He's ready to take it to-day,
But if he'd one hour of the coveted pow'r,
I wonder what people would say?
The Bishop, it seems, of St. Alban's
Has raised his episcopal voice,
And, at Epping's nice vicar's call, bans
V(Ik.-ally) one Hobson's choice;
Then Bradlaugh is still at it, fighting-
Northampton's returned him again;
And Egypt is getting exciting-
"The end is not yet," it is plain.
With many a duke, earl, and marquis,
King, queen, and emperor, too,
The news they are spreading concerning a wedding
Which Darmstadt is bringing to view;
And posingg that you were a pilot,
Pursuing your piloting lay,
'Twixt tribord and bdbord, and starboard and larboard,
I wonder whatever you'd say?


-: :.Z- ,, : '.. --:. -*.:---.- .:z .

Friday, ze seventeens.-Milor Ellen Borough is inform by Lord Gran
ville zat zere vill be more policemans add to ze Metropolitan area, to
make up for zose vich have take in charge ze public buildings. Ze
breakare of houses and ze liftare of shops vill be awful mad, but ze vat
you call cookanousmaid vill be jolly glads zat zare vill be more police-
mans in ze area, and ze heart of ze policemans vill go on its beat vit joy.
In ze debate on ze Censure Vote in ze Commons, Mr. Johnmorley is
ver Cross vit Mr. Forster, and reply vit Forster-I sall mean force-to
Sir Cross. Lord Maurice, who have Fitz, also say ze Government have
not vaccinated-pardon, I go say "vacillated." Sir Mike L. Hicks
Beach is shore-I mean sure-ze Government vill upset ze apple-cart at
Khartoum, and put zeirfoot in it at Toekar.
Monday.-Ze Earl of Vems demand of Lord Morley if ze x.p.d. shon
to Tokar have any guns. He is told zey have a camel battery. He
tell me, entire nous, zey might as vell have an electric von, for Osman
Digna have Krupp, vich vill soon corrupt ze defence of ze Kar of Toe. Ze
Vigs get a good vigging from ze Tories for ze injustice to Lord Rossmore.
Sir Norscote and Dr. Lyons (von of ze original British Lyons) demand
of Mr. Gladstone if General Gordon's proclamation permits ze slave
trade. Ze G. 0. M. is like ze leetle boy who go for larks birdsnesting
instead of to church, he have not ze text. Encore ze Censure
Debate. Brighton have its chain pier, but its M.P. vill not be chain.
Mr. Marriott, who came from zere Liberal, vill vote against ze Govern-
ment, zen go back vit ze ioo Chilterns and tell his constituents his story,
and zat he is Tory himself. Every von is glad to hear Lord John
Manners, for in zese times Mannares are not too plentiful in ze House.
Mr. Ritchie ritchiedly, zat is rigidly, oppose ze Government. Zey tell
me he is ze Membare for Hamlets. I sought Mr. Irvink represent zat;
mais, on dil, it is annozzare Hamlets of ze Toware, not ze Lyceum.
Tuesday.-Zare is anozzare Gordon Riot between Milors Saulisbury
and Granville. Ze formare desire to know if ze slave trade is to be
continue in ze Soudan undare ze proclamation of General Gordon. Ze
latter reply he suppose ze General mean he vill put it down generally,
but cannot Soudanly.
In ze Commons Mr. Ashmead-Bartletts continue za debate on ze Vote
of Censure. Bose ze Ministry'and ze Opposition take zeir scuttles out.
Ven he sit down zey return. Mr. Goschen back up ze Ministry. He
undarestand Egypt. Ma foi! it is, so to say, ze "land of Goschen."
Zen Milor Hartington knock ze Opposition into cocked hats. Ve divide.
Majority of 49 for ze Grand Old Man. I sink how Achilles avenged
Patroclus in ze Iliad. Vraiment, ze G. 0. M. have undone in ze Com-
mons vat Milor Saulisbury have done in ze Lords.
Vennisday.-Mr. Hubbard he go to ze cupboard and fetch out bone
of contention. Zare is no chance for Membares private Bills parceque
ze Government appropriate zeir days. On ze Address Debate zare is
split in ze Irish camp. Mr. OhlConnor Power make powerful speech
against ze Parnellites. Mr. Healy try to reply. Speaking of Lord
Rossmore, Mr. Healy call him "a bigoted and malevolent young
puppy." If I vere Lord Rossmore I vould blow Mr. Healy in ze nose.
Sursday.-Ve vill not trade in cattles vit nations vich do not put zeir
foots down on ze foot-and-mouth disease. Ze Duke of Richmond get
ze Lords to say so. Zat is good goods for Goodvoods. Like
Richard Vittinktons, Mr. Bradlaugh return again to ze Commons. Sir
Norscote's motion is revive, and revive ze spirits of ze Opposition. In
ze adjourn debate on ze Address, Mr. Plunkett stick up for loyal Ireland
against ze rebels in and out of ze House.

FEBRUARY 27, I884. IF U N 95

A Bellicose Brain.
A WEEKLY paper refers to the "unjust fo-
reign policy of which Lord Salisbury was the
brain, and is still the advocate."
Lord Salisbury believes in annexation;
Of warlike policy he is the brain;
And he would revel if the British nation
Endorsed his foreign policy again,
His views are strong,-may England e'er repel
'em I
His warlike brain has too much cere-bellum!

Royal Benevolence.
THE Prince of Wales has lately been visiting
the slums.
His Royal Highness recently went round
The various slums, where poverty folks bear:
He saw ill-lighted dens, and oft he found
Himself the only 'Air apparent there.

R's Rmonica.
MIss RIDER, a young American pianist,
was recently acclaimed at a concert given by
the famous Professor Ritter.
Rider and Ritter, what names could be fitter
For charming the ears of Art's capital city ?ate
Hoarse could be neither in wintriest weather,
And even a difference between them's a
Those who are given property of their own
will leern to respect the property of others. SENATORS IN HARNES S.
Befoarwe can be flippant we should bewize. AT THE DIVISION ON THE VOTE OF CENSURE."

GULLS AND GULLIBILITY. She is always giving money to crippled mariners, and organ-grinders,
A CLASSICALLY dressed young woman, who stated that her name wasand begging letter writers; she is the person who is always taken in by
A CLASSICALLY dressed young woman, who stated-that her name was the gentlemen who calls and states that her husband has sent them from
CHARITY, was brought upbefore MR. COMMONSENSE. charged with being town to fetch his watch, which he has left on the dressing table. We
of unsound mind. POLICE CON- don't know what to do with her.
STABLE AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE The prisoner having been ordered to be detained for inquiries to be
stated that he had observed the made, and for her friends to be communicated with, an application was
young woman engaged in weeping made later in the day by DISCRETION, who stated that she was the twin
Sover an r Eth. o pHanse enader" in sister of CHARITY. She had experienced the greatest surprise on hearing
the street. Her conduct had been of her strange doings, as her sister was not at all given to such extra-
most peculiar: after weeping over ordinary behaviour. On being admitted to see the prisoner, however,
W5 the minstrel and reading tracts to Miss DISCRETION at once declared her to be an impostor, named
him, she had administered to him GULLIBILITY, who had done a great deal of harm to the real CHARITY.
Uk beef-tea, claret jelly, and other Owing to the representations of DISCRETION the magistrate stated that
little delicacies, he did not feel justified in setting the prisoner at liberty, and she will
THE MAGISTRATE (to Arisoner). therefore be detained pending further inquiries as to her antecedents.
__What was your object in weeping It is not improbable that Miss CHARITY will take proceedings against
over him? GULLIBILITY for injury done to her on many occasions by means of these
PRISONER. I sympathized with disgraceful impersonations; and meanwhile Miss CHARITY wishes us to
him, because he evidently suffered make public the fact that she is never to be seen about unaccompanied
from some terrible disease. His by her twin sister DISCRETION, and that all allegorical persons not so
face was quite black, except a streak accompanied, but using her name, are impostors. Observe the signature
down the middle of the nose where on label.
the rain had trickled down. He
S told me that he had been so for
--Z years, and that it really required a SIR JONN BENNETT has shown the world that he is not crest-fallen at
good wash with hot water and soap being fined by the Chislehurst magistrates, though he believes they have
S. to get the black off for Sunday. His mulct the wrong man in that armorial bearings penalty. "Fine a man,
sufferings were really dreadful, com- rightfully if you can, but fine him," is the maxim followed by many of
pelling him to make all sorts of our J.P.s. Sir John reminds us of the innocent urchin who laughed
grimaces and get into all sorts of heartily when flogged by his schoolmaster, giving as his reason for doing
S strange attitudes. There was also so that the wrong boy had been thrashed.
a broad line of red all round his
mouth-evidently inflammation, as
some of it came off on a bun which IT is said that Mr. Rowland Winn sent out fifty telegrams in one night
I gave him. to members of the Opposition, calling upon" them to be in their places
THE MAGISTRATE (topoliceman). Is she often taken thus? during the debate on the Vote of Censure. The Tory Whip evidently
POLICEMAN AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE. Yes, your worship, very often, thought that such a wire-y attack would be sure to Winn the day.

To COEXs1roND)zTs.-The Editor does not bind himself to achoawlsdgs; return, or jay for Contributions. In no case ill they be returned u"nAss
accomjamiad by a stamnjed and directed iauvloj4.

96 'ITU N '. FEBRUARY 27, 1884.

Nature and Human Nature.
To make the world a Paradise
Has been Dame Nature's best endeavour;
But man, more practical than nice,
His mission's been to spoil it ever;
And when he tacks" to evil acts,
He sticks to them like sealing-wax.
Say Nature takes a spot in hand,
A touch or two or three, and there is
A well, a knell, a knoll, a strand,
A sylvan glade for sportive fairies
SS (When fays dance round a grassy mound,
They're veiy graceful, I'll be bound).
~Next man upon the scene we see,
And with a rail-contractor treating;
Soon fays of any quality
Must find some other place of meeting,
For fairy plumes, the bard assumes,
TAre not improved by sulphur-fumes.
But why you ask of me this "lay,"
Philosophy in lieu of chortle ?
We like to have our little say-
We doggerel bards are men and mortal;
And there are few of us but who
Object to be dictated to.

S' MR. PARNELL'S paper, United Ireland, in an article en-
titled "Speed the Mahdi," remarked among other things,
"That the patriotic chief may drive every wheyfaced invader
R/ O that assails him into the Red Sea is the desire of every lover
of freedom." Pat evidently refuses to look upon himself as
Sa white man, and wishes to impress the fact that he is really
blacker than he is generally painted; but really the portraitists
O are not to blame if the subject has a depth of tint beyond the
power of human pigments. Of course we do not speak of all
of him-only some (though, we fear, the majority) of him.
Nor let any one fancy there is any incorrectness in our form
A MIERV-ELLOUS OPPORTUNITY; OR, THE WILY BEAR. of speech. Ask Pat himself; he talks about a United Irish-

About the Preservation of Antiquities. THE Maharajah Runbeer Singh has started a large firm in India for
A LONG time ago the old maiden ladies of Altona met together, and the sale of Cashmere wines and spirits. It is somewhat Singh-ular for
in a thrifty spirit made up their minds that they would collect-beg, a Runbeer to run wines. No credit will be given, we presume; all
borrow (without any intention of returning), and steal-all the ancient transactions will evidently be for cash-merely.
toothpicks that came under their modest notice: these were to be sold A WEEKLY paper says it is interesting to picture the available candi-
for the benefit of the poor. Good girls! For the advantage of a deluded dates for situations in a Conservative Cabinet standing in a row, like
public we have collected a few of the well-worn untruths that have been other aspirants at a statute fair Quite so. And perhaps, if they were
circulated lately, and if pressed much, may insert them in order to benefit in office, they might not make any fair statutes.
mankind generally. Good boys! Next to the Egyptian canards and
" expansions," the most cruel story still bounding about is the fib circu- IN THE PRESS. READY SHORTLY.
lated some time back-i.e., that Crosby Hall is to be pulled down. This
building is not to be wrecked, but a great many good dinners are to be Price One Shilling; Post-free, Is. 3d.,
demolished under its roof for many years to come, bar dynamite and other FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY-TWO PAGES, DEMY 8vo.,
little accidents, Irish and English. Fully Illustrated,

A DAILY journal remarks, So far the Conservatives have, like Sancho EX OUR 810NS INTO PUZZLEDOM.
Panza, come for wool, and gone away shorn." This is unkind. Surely
the Conservatives have been pretty remarkable of late for their wool- BY
A SHAM peasants'f&le was recently given by several ladies of rank and The Trade are requested to Order Early.
fashion. It is said to have been very enjoyable. The true peasant's fate,
alas! is often far otherwise in these troublous times. "FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.


PUREliI S0LUBLEIll REFRESHING =l" `o z. ;, 5 to thb .BmwAw.

MARCH 5, 1884.



RIVATE BROWN was not a sol-
| dier, nor, for the matter of that, a
-merpber of the Salvation Army.
S-- He was a private person of the
---.. name of Brown; and we call him
Private Brown to emphasize his
t- ~ privacy.
S-p .Nor was Brown suffering from
any hallucination ; on the contrary.

S111il "Jane," said Mr. Brown, arriv-
ing home from his City office earlier
than usual, "I have snatched an
hour or two from my business to-
S day on purpose to have a good look
for him; and find him to-day I

"Oh, Peter," said poor Mrs.
i Brown, weeping, "I do wish I
could persuade you to consult a
doctor as to your-as to your men-
tal-as to- oh, dear! I don't
know. There isn't any evil genius."
"Jane," continued Brown, "we
will. begin by moving the sideboard,
he might easily hide behind there;
now the piano-that's it ; now the
wardrobe in our room. You go
carefully after us, my dear, and
--.- sprinkle a little of this exorcising
powder to prevent him getting back
again into the same places. That's it; we '11 have him yet."
"Oh, Peter! said poor Mrs. Brown, there isn't any evil gen--"
"Oh, isn't there?." said Mr. Brown. "Then,pray, ma'am, how is it that
I consent to pay the butcher eighteenpence a pound for an under-weighted
joint of half-spoilt foreign beef, sold as prime English? How is it I pay
the milkman in full in return for under-measured milk and water ? How
is it I let the grocer trifle with my affections-the fishmonger-the linen-
draper? What's the meaning of this, ma'am, in the newspaper ?-' I
am surprised the consumer does not derive more benefit from the cheapness
of flour. Bakers are buying their flour at 32s. per sack; each sack of
flour makes ninety-six loaves of bread, and if each loaf realized 6d., that
is 48s. per sack, the exorbitant margin of profit being 50 per cent. The

bakers hold together for their price; one will not sink price because of his
neighbour. Cannot something be done to uproot this system ?' Yes,
ma'am, we can find that evil genius."
Far into the night Private Brown laboured at his search ; the furniture
was moved ; all the carpets were taken up ; every crevice was examined;
and into each place investigated exorcising powder was sprinkled. At
times, when some piece of furniture was being moved, the movers would
fancy they heard a slight rustle and a feeble cry of fright; and at length
they approached the last possible hiding-place-the cupboard where
Mrs. Brown kept her tradesmen's bills. There was a sound of frantic
scurrying, and a despairing cry; and Brown plunged his hand in, caught
something, crammed it into a bottle, and sealed it up with consecrated
sealing-wax. Then he went down and opened a bottle of old port.
Jane," he said, am I not a shrewd business man when in the City ?
Did anybody ever succeed in cheating me in Cornhill? "
"I have heard them describe you as a tough nut to crack.'"
"Exactly. On the other hand, am I not a poor helpless simpleton
when in my suburban villa ? Does there exist such a thing as a trades-
man who hasn't bested me here?" "No," replied Mrs. B.
Why does my whole character alter thus daily the instant I put my
nose inside my private house ? Because, ma'am, there is an evil genius
which, inhabiting every British private house, has the power of softening
the brain of those who enter it. That genius is impotent to enter a shop
or an office; and that's how it is that tradesmen combine to out-manceuvre
consumers, and consumers don't combine to prevent it. Now I shall
catch the evil genii of all my private neighbours; and then we '11 see
whether we don't lower the price of bread, and keep the stone-dust out,
and improve the quality of meat, and get the weight charged for, and
so on."
And that very night there were stifled screams, and a solemn burial
the back garden; and the mould was beaten down over the departed
genius, and the roller was placed over all to make sure; and Private
Brown has laid in a stock of bottles, and is calling round on his neigh-
bours. And we hope soon to see a funeral on a large scale.

A CONSERVATIVE paper remarks somewhat sneeringly that "certain
Liberal and Conservative Members are not inclined to trust Mr. Glad-
stone with the blank cheque of unlimited confidence."
These strange Conservatives continue still
The Premier amongg suspicious folks to rank ;
But why "blank cheque "?-their cry amounts to nil,
They lately had a "check that made them blank."

voL. XXXIX.-NO, 982.


98 FTJN.

MARCH 5, 1884.

HE COURT.-Margery'sLovers,
/ produced here recently, has
proved so unworthy of the posi-
t ion that it has already, by the
S-. ,inexorable indifference of the
': :': *.public, received notice to quit.
'"'A conventional story weakly
told, it cannot fairly be said to
', have deserved any better fate,
and the very first-rate acting
wasted upon it-albeit acting at
this house has a tendency to
that "sleepiness" which over-
refinement of the natural school
not unfrequently results in-
failed to cover, or even palliate,
its deficiencies. By the spright-
S i lines of Mrs. John Wood and
\ Mr. C. Coote, in two characters
-- '' given to amusing though not
Very novel, Americanisms, a
THE COURT.-MARGIR THINKING OF "HIM" certain amount of liveliness was
-THE PLEASURES HIM-MARGIE-NATION. imparted to the entertainment,
which compensated for a good
deal. Mr. Cartwright played the scene with the cards with a good deal
of truth and discretion, Mr. Macintosh exhibited care and sincerity, and
Mr. Cecil tried his best to be pathetic, but nobody seemed to care much.
Mrs. Beerbohm Tree's Margery was very good as far as it went, but there
was something of a lack of finish about it; the remainder of the company
were quite up to the level which we always expect of them. Dan'l
Druce, with Miss Fortescue as Dorothy, is already in preparation, and
will be produced to-morrow (Thursday) evening. Crowds will no doubt
flock to see-the play.

THE GRAND.-Mr. Charles Reade's ever-green drama, It is Never
Too Late to
Mend, was re- .
vived at this
house on Mon- '
day week as a .
sort of sandwich '
between the
pantomime and ,I Ill i
Mr. G. F.
Rowe's to-be- IIiI|
produced at i ,
Easter The Do- ';. I,'1f'- ,
enough (if you I |7
ask me what ."
that means, I ,
can only reply THE COURT.-DIS-CARDED.
that I do' know,
and ask pardon). Mr. Reade's drama seems to suit the tastes of the
Grandees down to the ground, or rather up to the gallery. Great sym-
pathy with the "poor prisoners" is expressed by the occupants of that
lofty region, which is not unsuggestive of a fellow-feeling. The piece
abounds in what are known as "lines" of an effective kind, and is very
well acted. Mr. Frank Staunton is a handsome and chivalrous hero,
and Mr. Lyle a massive Johnson: his acting is best in the prison scene.
The peculiarities and humours of Jacky are given with a careful elabora-
tion, which is not
without effect, byMr.
F. Manning; and
Crawley is played in
a genuinely funny if
somewhat conven-
tional style, by Mr.
C. P. Carey. Miss
SAmy Gloverdoesvery
W THE ,H WO j 1 eand Miss AmyO'Neil
Sets satisfactorily
'- through the part of
the heroine. The
mounting ,is good,
Sand the piece appears
-to have sufficient vi-
WOODN'T, THEN SHE WOOED I end designed.

GAIETY.-The spread ot the matinde system renders it rather a rash
thing to characterize any given piece as the worst ever written, but if a

prize- were offered. for that article, it may be safely said that Young
Coufies, produced here ore morning lately, would have a very fair chance
of success. There, is no need to enter into particulars, or say much of
the unfortunate pi ece. Mr. Walter Everard, Mrs. Digby Willoughby,
and others did thei r best Hunder depressing circumstances.

This remarkable work was followed by a two-act comic opera, entitled
the Nuptial Noose, in. which, although the author did appear to have
some notion of wha?"
is genuine dramatic
material, he dis-
played such a perfect -
incapacity for using 1 I
it that among other ,
results it was only i
by the use of violent
threats, accompanied
by the exertion of
physical force on the
part of my friends,
that I could be per-
suaded to remain for
the second act, so
absolutely certain
was I that it was all
over at the end of TaB GRANP.-FIELDING (oq.) "Is IT WORTH
Act I. By judicious ANYTHING, TOM ?"
excision (say of the
entire dialogue, and several of the songs) something might be made of it,
for the main notion is good enough; but I don't think we are likely to
see it any more. The music was fairly good if not brilliantly original,
though an odd sort of monotone pervaded one or two of the songs. It
is only fair to say that except from a very good orchestra, the execution
was, on the whole, somewhat indifferent. Mr. F. Wyatt made matters
something more than endurable by an exceedingly clever "make-up,"
some very funny dancing, and an imitation of the ordinary comic singer
excruciatingly laughable in its fidelity. The cheery comedy powers of
Miss Chambers, too, were very pleasant and exhilarating; she and Mr.
Wyatt were like a draught of water in the desert; how they helped us to
"bear up," to be sure Mr. H. Hallam and Mr. W. Gregory, Mr.
Rosenthal and Mr. De Lange did reasonably well vocally. Miss Lucille
Meredith, who played the heroine, cannot be said to have improved upon
her performance in Billee Taylor last November.

OPERA COMIQUE.-I suppose weakness of motive is a minor fault in
a farcical play. That being granted, a pretty favourable opinion may be
expressed of Mr. Maltby's free adaptation from the French, Old Flames,
produced here for his benefit last Tuesday afternoon. There is a want
of novelty about a good many of the jocularities; the last act is a trifle
dull and almost unnecessary, and it is rather outrageous to bring a stout
lady on the stage in a French bathing dress, and a cry of they've stole
(sic) my clothes I" for no earthly reason but to bring the drop down with
a roar. Insufficiency of re-
hearsal was also manifest. But/
the piece is full of fun; the )
"business" was excellent, and
the company well selected. Mr.
Maltby was very comical as the
genial but terribly exercised
papa, and Mr. Pateman played V
a curmudgeon with great spirit.
Mr. F. Wyatt, whom I kept ex-
pecting to burst into dance every
moment, made a lovely bride-
groom and husband, and was
provided in Miss Woodworth
with an engaging and intelligent
partner. But the performance
to which, perhaps, least excep- \
tion can be taken, was that of '
Miss S. Myth, who was cast for
Miss Cassandra Fitzworlter-a
lady who does not appear.

HINTS.-The first number of OPBRA COMIQuE.-ONE OF OUR OldFlames.
the Topical Times has reached WHY DON'T WE SEE HIMI OFTENER?
me. It seems a sprightly little
paper of a theatrical flavour, written by those who "know all about
everything for those who thirst for the like information. There's an
independent tone about it that I approve of.-The Two Orphans is in
preparation at the Olympic, with Messrs. Neville and W. Rignold, and
Mrs. Huntley in the original parts. NESTOR.

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