Front Cover
 Title Page
 January 4, 1882
 January 11, 1882
 January 18, 1882
 January 25, 1882
 February 1, 1882
 February 8, 1882
 February 15, 1882
 February 22, 1882
 March 1, 1882
 March 8, 1882
 March 15, 1882
 March 22, 1882
 March 29, 1882
 April 5, 1882
 April 12, 1882
 April 19, 1882
 April 26, 1882
 May 3, 1882
 May 10, 1882
 May 17, 1882
 May 24, 1882
 May 31, 1882
 May 31, 1882
 June 7, 1882
 June 14, 1882
 June 21, 1882
 June 28, 1882

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00040
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00040
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page 1
        Title Page 2
        Page 1
    January 4, 1882
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    January 11, 1882
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    January 18, 1882
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    January 25, 1882
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 39
        Page 40
        Page 41
        Page 42
    February 1, 1882
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
        Page 51
        Page 52
    February 8, 1882
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 62
    February 15, 1882
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    February 22, 1882
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
    March 1, 1882
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
    March 8, 1882
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
    March 15, 1882
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
    March 22, 1882
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
    March 29, 1882
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
    April 5, 1882
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 146
    April 12, 1882
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
    April 19, 1882
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 160
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
    April 26, 1882
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
    May 3, 1882
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
    May 10, 1882
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
    May 17, 1882
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
    May 24, 1882
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
    May 31, 1882
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
    May 31, 1882
        Page 229
        Page 230
        Page 231
        Page 232
    June 7, 1882
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 236
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
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        Page 241
        Page 242
    June 14, 1882
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
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        Page 249
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        Page 251
        Page 252
    June 21, 1882
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 262
    June 28, 1882
        Page 263
        Page 264
        Page 265
        Page 266
        Page 267
        Page 268
        Page 269
        Page 270
Full Text


"i A

;V A

N. "









A!" muttered FUN; "Orthodox Palestine Society, under the auspices of the
Grand Duke Nicholas-to sustain the Russian orthodox religion in Palestine
-to look after the interests of Russian Pilgrims-to carry on the scientific
exploration of the country-monasteries to be formed-agencies created as bases for the
operations of explorers-subsidy from the Russian Government-ho 1 ho "
Then the Jester went off to read the above to JOHN BULL; but JOHN was staring
fixedly across St. George's Channel, and was so absorbed that FUN could not gain his
attention by any device, and gave up running pins into his calves in despair. So the
Patriotic Joker saw that it was time to take the matter into his own hands. Hastily dis-
guising himself in JOHN'S hat and coat, he borrowed a ladder, and went round Palestine
Nice convenient monastery you 're running up," he said, suddenly poking his head
over the wall.
"Eh? Oh!-ye-ee-es," stammered the Northern Power.
"So nice and strong, and-commanding, like. I suppose this is the great bell to sum-
mon the brotherhood to prayer?" said the Great Chaffer, pointing to a hundred-ton
"Ye-ee-es," said the Muscovite feebly.
"And the holy brothers seem to be so well disciplined; keep step so well together,
and all that," continued FUN. Now, I suppose you admit orthodox brethren of all
nationalities "
"Oh ye-ee-es," whispered the Muscovite, almost inaudibly.
"Ah! I I thought so," said the Joker ; and I 've brought a few good brothers, who
are waiting below, and would like to step in-"
"Oh !-well-why-you see-I've-a-mislaid the key of the-don't you see-that
is-door," stuttered the confused Slav.
"Don't matter a bit; the brothers are accustomed to get over walls-that is, if you
won't consider it a breach-of etiquette," said the Genial Jeerer, significantly.
The Muscovite turned away sudd to get a rifl-a prayer-book ; and FUN took the
opportunity to slip his Thirty-fifth m. e into the building, and slide silently down
the ladder.
The Muscovite turned, saw the book. lened it, began to smile, grew absorbed, sat
down, and became lost to the outer woria, .;.rapped in its overpowering pages; and the
time had come. At a sign from FUN, the British sold-ahem!-brothers advanced,
and noiselessly took down the building stone by stone, carefully depositing these by the
side of the Suez Canal, to be handy if wanted. -
And when the Muscovite had read the volume through seven times, he rubbed his
eyes, gazed around, grunted, sniffed, snorted, and trudged back to St. Petersburg.



k Z~'>



i ;I; i

AN Evil Day for Fun, 12
JEsop Revised, 41
Another Touching Case, 55
An Easter Offering, 154

BOAT RACE (The), I33
Bilious Bacchanal (The), 149
Bradlaugh Case Joke (The), 1i5
British Professional Sculler (The), 207
Bank Holiday Reminiscences, 233
Bank Holiday Maunder (A), 239
Boon to Mermaids (A), 122
CHANGE of Date (A), 59
Custom Wanted (A), 76
Cares of a Conductor, 77
Complete Defence, 86
Comprehensive Quartern (The), 175
Carols of Cloudland, 197, 251
Common Sense, 205
Cheerful, 206
Crescendo, 234
Curt Comments, 9, 30, 31, 43, 62, 74, 114,
179, 242, 251, 254
Conversations for the Times, 92, 96, o05,
123, 133, 145, 163, 167, 179, 249, 259
DTrs by the Way, 7, 61, 245
Different Views of Valentines, 171
Dropt H (The); 95
Disappointed Again, 103
Ditties of the Day, 71, 83, 91, xix, 117,
128, 143, 153, 163, 170, 185, 195, 205, 217,
229, 240, 249, 259, a65
Detached Train (The), 136
De Profundis, 23
Dying out, 222
ETEIRNAL Fitness of Things, 165
Evidently Misinformed, 81
Extraordinary Omissions, 133
FlsT Week (The), 13
Foolish Friend (A), 122
First of April (The), 228
Finishing the Matter off, 187
Floats and Flies, 18, 22, 40, 50, 60, 72, 76,
87, i06, Id6, 126, 138, 148, 158, 176, i8o,
190, 200, 230, 235, 244, 260, 264
GLORIOUS Medallist (The), 43
Government by Committee, 55
Glasses Round, 138
Hard Lines, 31
Haunted, 230
How that Bill was Born, 240
How to Win on the Turf, 217
Here we R.A-again, 8o
Harmony (The), 199
IMPERIAL Photography, 2t
Influence of Mind over Matter (The), 23
Intelligent Foreigner (The) Hunts, 49
In a Gallery, 196
JAW, 157
KITCHEN Reignge (A), 86
Kindly Impulse (A), 222
LUNACy Safeguard (The), 7
Literary Somnambulism, 29
Little Crazy (A), 45
Legal Valentine (A), 64
Likely Tales, zo1
Luckless Lords-in-Waiting (The), 107
Lost Letters, 164
Living Hope, 187
My Neighbors, 2
My Valentine, 64
Mr. FuN's Valentine 66
Mild Compliment (A), 66
Monroe Doctrine (The), 195
Missing the Points, 197
Murdered, 20ox
Monster (The), 224
Marvels of Hydropathy (The), 224
NOT Much, 12
New Road to Renown, 95
Not so Ricketty, 147
New Freak (A), 159
Neglected Signalman (The), 41

OUR Round of the Theatres, 8
Our Round of the Entertainments, 14
Only a Pauper, 54
Open to Doubt, 144
Our Wits, 155
Our View, 18i
Our Hard-uW Contributor, 206
Our Extra Special sees the last of his Co.
operative Ox, 2 ; and his Ostrich Brood,
19 ; Ostrich Feathers his Nest, 8 ; Set-
ties the French Treaty, 32 ; At Berlin,
51; On the Coming Session, 53; At the
Sportsman's Exhibition, 82 ; and General
Skobeloff, 93; On the Channel Tunnel,
103 ; At the Crystal Palace, i- ; Modern
Romeo and Juliet, 115; At tie Univer-
sity Race, i25; On Show Sunday, 137 ;
Follows Jumbo, 149; At the Naval Ex-
hibition, 164; On a Trial in Anowaria,
170; At the Academy Private View, 181 ;
On the Ring of Nibelungen, 191; Com-
pletes his Cycle, 202 ; On the School of
Dramatic Art, 212; On the Derby, 219 ;
On the Egyptian Crisis, 241; On the
Polyglot Drama, 243; Goes to the Dogs
and Horses, 255
Oscar to the Rescue, 241
PADDIES Evermore, 13
Panic Fashion (The), 44
Prince and the Savages (The), 75
Penitent (The), 97
Preparation, 21o
Preposterous Policy (A), 229
Phantom Foe of Montmorency (The), 253
Parliamentary Mems, 66, 81, 102, i12, 122.
234, 244, 154, 177, A86, 196, 201, 234, 245,
Perfect Anchorite (A), 219
QUEEN'S Speech (The), 45

RECOVEhED Son (The), 21
Robbery Statistics, 28
Recantation (A), 133
Retrospection, 139
Removing the Obstacle, 250
Revelation in Advertising (A), 112
SPORT and its Troubles, 9
Some Encore Verses, 19
Some more Encore Verses, 28, 34
Sine Linea, 29
Song of the Petitioners, &c., 31
Short Day's Work (A), 34
Shadow of a Man (The), 39
Saving the Mark, 44
Saint Valentine, 63
Scheme of Revenge (A), 92
Safety at Last, 96
Simply my Opinion, 107
Slopworker (The), 156
Startling Disclosures, 159
Spring Time, i68
Safe Plan (The), 186
Scientific Theatre (hie), 221
Sigh of Relief (A), 231
Sambo to Oliver, 261
Symptoms (The), 269
TOWN and Country Magistrate, 32
To Parents and Guardians, 62
That Little Matter of the Tunnel, 102
That Ward in Chancery, 113
That Memory of Mine, 126
That Wicked Song, 139
TIrying Task (A), 143
Teetotally Wrong, 144
Twaddle, 2xo
Tips for the Twenty-tourth, 2T7
urf Cuttings, 83, 91, 117, 134, 243, 153, 175,
185, 218, 235, 265
Vegetable Boot (The), 263
WHAT 's in a Name, 27
Wild Legend (A), n2r
What a Conscience, 148
Whitsuntide Warble (A), 222
Why? 269

YET more Encore Verses, 49
Yet further Encore Verses, 54

ANY "Port" in a Storm, 17
An Answer not Required, 55
According to the Letter, 95
After the Funeral, xo3
Appreciation, 113
Apropos of the Boat Race, 125
Ada and a Bettor, 135
An Easter Holler-day, 154
At a Fancy Dress Ball, 157
Ass-stone- wishingn, 59
An Old Master, 182
An Overdone Pace, 266
Apropos, 219
An Unexpected Visitor, 244

BIT of Dilemma (A), 4
But then the Little Dears, &c., 66
Brick (A), 115
Between You and I and the Post, 168 -
Bakeries, 182
Britannia's Spring Cleaning, 223
Brown and Jones Hire a Fishing, 239
COLD Without, 19
Chalk to Robert (A), 43
Cruel Old I ady, 52
Change of Date (A), 59
Complete Builders Again (The), 78
Custom and Customers, 82
Channel Tunnel (The), 93
Complete Cuccess (A), io8
Cutting Chaff, 114
Counter Attraction, 147
Clown and Pantaloons (A), 164
Cure-ious Notion (A), 187

DAWN of Genius (The), 20
Death Warrant (A), 86
Daily Advertisement (A), 98

EXTRA Hard Lines, 32
Economy in the Army, 149
Easter Monday Memoranda, 156
Expressive, 255
FAIRY Tale (A), 14
Fear Not, 5
Fashions (The), 206
Fun's Derby Hieroglyphic, 209
Flunkeyana, 252
Fishy Stream (A), 262
Fitting it in, 169
Getting on in the World, 31
Gentle Craft (The), 165; Spring Time,
207 ; Waiting for Bites, 212; Hooked
Foul, 224; 250

How it Came About, 21
Humanitarian Lunatic (The), 24
How to Encourage Promotion, 46
Head of Game (A), 64
Harrowing, 245
IRISH Hot, 9
In the Lump, 39
It's a Weakness, 45
Incorrect Scales, 56
Inef-face-able, 75
Innocence Triumphant, 263
International Arrangements, 256
Into the Hat, 178
It couldn't have been put more tenderly, 263

Jutiso and his Friends, 104
LiKE Father like Son, 77
Little Learning is a Dangerous Thing (A),
Looking at it in a Different Light, 136
Law Laid Down (The), 236
MARKS-man and He-marks-men, a
Marry come up, 0to
Most Satisfactory Explanation (A), 4o0
Mixed Policy the Best (A) 146
Money Makes the Heart Glad, 231

NECK or Nothing, 13
Not so Distracting, 118
Natural Atmospheric Causes again, 202
Nice and Toothsome, 208
Nature's Act of Reparation, 246
ON the Box, 62

On the Trot, 84
On his Honour, 94
Ocular Demonstration, 97
Outraged Honour, 167
Outside (The), 211
Odorous, 221
One of the Pleasures of the Country, 234
Our American Cousins, 270
Philistine Wretch (The), 2t
Proof Positive, 42
Possibilities of the Future, 51
Picture of Disappointment (The), 139
Professional Frieze of Bank Holiday Vo-
taries, 156
Penny Wise, 166
Putting a Point on it, 210
Practical Party (A), 242
Putting it more Delicately, 251
Poor Martyr, 253

QUESTIONS and Answers, 30
Quite Pat on Wheels, 188
Quite a Lucky Accident, 33
RETURNING Good for Evil, 29
Rent-al(l), 39
Red-hot Boy (The), 85
Remarkable News from the Atlantic, 15o
Recollections of the Royal Academy, 189,
SOME Mistake Somewhere, 23
Some other Things he may run a Risk of, 27
Saving the Mark, 44
Some Valentines of the Period, 73
Scourge (The), 127
Shining Idea, 137
Sport and the Drama, 145
Subject for Charity (A), 160
Soft Answer (A), 197
Storage of Electricity, 201
Sun and Heir, 198
Soft Hammer turneth away Noise (A), 220
Sad Dog, 222
Slippery Answer (A), 233
Study (A), 261
TOUCHING him on the Raw, 168
Try on for a Drink (A), 179
Triumphant Trio (A), 191
Those Atmospheric Causes, 192
Timing it, 232
UBIQUITOUS Condiment (The), 243
Very nearly Broken, 107
Visions of the Night, 241

WHAT is to be done with these Precocious
Infantile Excrescences?" 269
Who is it for? 74
Worth Fighting for, 123
Wakening (A), 124
Willing but Unable, 155

Attempted Extortion, 15
Arm-in-Arm, 47
At Work Again, x26
Between Egypt and Erin, 267
Caught in the Act, 89
Clearing the Course, 130
Expelled, 88
Easter Eggs for the Obstructionists, 141
Vaster Holidays (The), 151
Egyptian Difficulty (The), 237
Electric Lights, 247
Egyptian Question (The), 257
Great Question of the Day (The), o09
Games for the Holidays, 226
Infuriated Turkey (The), 36
Irish Horse (The), 214
Lords versus Commons, 99
Misfits, 193
Old Year and the New (The), 5
Opening Night (The) 57
Political Paul Pry (The), 119
Royal Valentine (A), 68
Royal Wedding (The), 172
Shoulder to Shoulder, 203
Throne of Egypt 'The), 25
Tempting Bait (A), 79
Victim of Red Tape (The),i83

High-class Merriment, well-made Jokes, Patent Puns (so simple, a child might "manage" them), electrical Quips, and powerful Cranks.
Jokes (and readers) set off with the best designs. Old Jokes repolished equal to new. Only the best materials used. State Parties supplied
with useful hints. All drawings marked with plain (or handsome) figures, from which no deviation will be made, and every "articl-" sold
at much less than prime cost. No connection with any other Firm.
L.--persons with emply heads should finish throughout on our higher system.

MEssRs. FUN & CO., finding
it necessary, in consequence of
the continued development of
their business, to open their
XXXV. Emporium of Wit and
H Iumour, take the opportunity in
announcing the same of referring
to other matters worthy the at-
tention of their numerous cus-
tomers and patrons.
\ The stock of pens (assorted,
sharp-pointed steel for incisive
writing, and goose-quill for gen-
tler purposes) has been largely
Ink, a judicious admixture of
gall and sugar, has been laid on
at so much per quarter, which,
as we intend to give no quarter
whatever, cannot but be an im-
a mense saving.
OUR PRINCIPAL DRAUGHTSAMAN. Foolscap, for conversion into
head-coverings for those whom
they may fit, has been provided with a due regard to the enormous strain
on this department.
I ,i' lll

,, ,

|| iii ,, i


Arrangements have been entered into with numerous Comic Merchants
for a constant supply of Humour.

Pegasus will be jobbed for the season, and will probably require a
good deal of jobbingg" before he
will consent to gallop.
F. AND Co. are in telephonic
communication with Nine Muses
and Co.
Verses, bon-bon mottoes, and
opera bouffes transmitted on the
shortest notice.
The new Emporium will consist
of extensive premises, on which will
be built a large number of superior
arguments, as well as several sati-
rical, whimsical, and jocular struc-
tures of novel design.
F. and Co. present gratis here-
with (in lieu of other matter, for
which no extra charge would have
been made) authentic portraits of \
the gentlemen of the firm; and,
while thanking their customers and
patrons for past favours, trust, by
strict attention to business, to merit -
a continuance of the same. .

VOL. tXXV.--NO. S69.

2 F U N JANUARY 4, 1882.

As I glance with a brotherly feeling around,
Either sideward or over the way,
I reflect on the sorrows and sins to be found
In the street where at present I stay.
But it 's never my custom on morals to preach,
Or to slander or scandal incline;-
Ioshould think it unmanly, by action or speech,
To be hard on a neighbour of mine.
/ I believe that there hardly exists upon earth
I"So unblushing a drunkard as Groggs:
sWith a longing for liquor which dates from his birth,
Has he reeled by degrees to the dogs.
They declare that he bullies his children and wife
When excited by spirits or wine;
I could paint you such terrible scenes in his life-
Only Groggs is a neighbour of mine.
I can scarcely believe that there ever drew breath
A more impudent liar than Braggs;
t w ad is With his bouncers and crammers he talks you to death,
n oFor his tongue never falters or flags.
St t If he stumbles by accident over the truth,
S" t It is clearly quite out of his line.
fc I.ol d n'T would be well if I cut such a dangerous youth -
n ad m e Only Braggs is a neighbour of mine.
'T is my settled belief that there never saw light
Such a cheat and a swindler as Priggs:
From his boyhood the rascal, by day and by night,
SHas been running his larcenous rigs.
.ns.e a .d I could have him condemned if I felt the desire,
STo a punishment swift and condign;
I could soon put the wretch into felon's attire-
Only Priggs is a neighbour of mine.
Happy' souls !-they may drink, they may lie, they may
They may revel in vice and in crime,
Ste- fWhile they chance to inhabit the square or the street
n7 wWhere I fix my abode for a time.
n h Ah, my Groggs, and my Braggs, and my Priggs-'t is a
MARKS-MAN .AND RE-MARKS-MEN. As a censor of morals to shine.
Y3oun2q S&uire (/o Keeper).-"I REALLY THTNK, SMITH, THAT MY I should think it unkind, as I told you before,
FATHER SHOOTS WORSE AND WORSE EVERY DAY." To be harsh with a neighbour of mine.
BACK'ARDS !" "AIRY NOTHINGs.-Music hall songs.

table, signed by the thirty-three subscribers to the Ox Fund, washing
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL SEES THE LAST OF HIS their hands of the whole affair, and upbraiding me with having grossly
CO-0PERATIVE OX. mismanaged my trust. They called it "trust" advisedly, Sir, for as it
happened not one of the thirty-three co-operators had paid the money
I TOLD you a fortnight since, Sir, how I was summoned for having killed down for his share in the beast, and I was accordingly some 25 out of
our co-operative ox in my back garden without a licence; but no words pocket on that head-and carcase-alone.
of mine can describe the indignity I subsequently suffered at the hands of Finding, after consultation with a lawyer, that I could keep my
the law and its myrmidons. Not only so, but the retail butchers in our neighbours to their bargain, I served them all with county court sum-
neighbourhood, overjoyed at the failure of our cheap beef scheme, monses ere I slept, and once more rearranged the joints for the raffle,
mustered at the police court in full force, and made quite a hostile intending to get up early, draw the various lots, and hurry the meat off
demonstration in its purlieus as I went in to judgment. my premises to its various owners forthwith.
Of course I could not deny the killing; I was caught, so to speak, Alas I waited too long. The temperature went up perceptibly in
red-handed, and my excuse that the act was a mere oversight of mine the night, and in the morning, on going out into my back garden, I found
led to a chorus of "Yahs I" from the assembled butchers, which the the night inspector I had seen at the green-yard knocking at the back
magistrate did not attempt to check. He was very nasty to me, in fact, door, accompanied by the parish officer who had come before about the
was this magistrate, and asked me what I thought London would be slaughtering.
like if every householder took home a fat ox and killed it in his back Well?" I said, as I opened the door to them.
garden by a mere oversight? And when I replied that I was not good "But it isn't well," replied the night inspector. "It's confoundedly
at answering bad conundrums, and so would give it up, he fined me the bad Can't you smell it ?"
full penalty and 4 16s. 8t. costs, which, thanks to your timely advance It was too true. The double journey, the tarpaulin, the hot night
of my next week's salary, Sir, I was able to pay. had done their work only too effectually.
I then applied for the return of the co-operative joints which had been It will go very hard with you this time," said the district inspector
seized, and was referred to the green-yard, where I found the beef, as he served me with a summons for harbouring meat upon my premises
which had cost me so much, wrapped up in a tarpaulin, and looking unfit for human food. "You will be treated as an incorrigible offender!"
anything but prime. The police officer on duty suggested, with a signi- And with that about a score of my neighbours, who had been watching
ficant sniff, that I had better give the whole lot to the poor-his insinu- from their windows, gave a loud cheer.
ation evidently being that it was at best a poor lot; but my temper was It was, perhaps, a weak thing, Sir, for an Extra-Special to do, but I
up, and, hailing a growler, I had the whole of the joints placed in and sat me down and wept amidst the ruins, so to speak, of that erst prize
on it, even insisting on the production of the tail, which, it turned out, carcase.
had been appropriated by the night inspector and secreted in his *
helmet. Including the cost of the thirty-three abortive county court sum-
The cabby charged ios. 6d. for taking me and my co-operative beef monses, and my second fine at the police court, I reckon that I am this
home, and on arriving there, the last straw, as I thought, was placed day not less than 449 18s, 91d. out of pocket, thanks to that confounded
on my burdened back in the shape of a round-robin I found on the hall Co-operative Ox.

JANUARY 4, 1882.



Or, Our Infallible Predictions for the Year 1882.
JANUARY.-The sign Aquarius rules this month, consequently, fire
insurances due at Christmas must be paid, or the man with the water-pot
will decline to assist at conflagrations. Saturn's position in Taurus will
not trouble the Astronomer-Royal very much, but many young persons
may seriously feel the effects of the holiday solstice.
FEBRUARY.-The sign Pisces rules, so things in general are pretty
sure to be fishy. Mars is stationery at the beginning of this month, and
you can therefore draw upon him to any amount, though it is question-
able whether he will accept your productions. Unfortunate persons
born on the 29th must go without their birthdays.
MARCH.-The sign Aries rules ; the British Navy will accordingly be
enhanced by the addition of a new Ram. At the vernal ingress Uranus
will be rising, and lots of people will get up long after him. Three kings
have their birthdays this month, so coals will be dearer in some places
than in others, and overseers must be appointed on the 25th.
APRIL.-The sign Taurus rules, and discussions may not improbably
arise as to whether the last Bull is of Papal or Irish extraction. Jupiter
wisely leaves Ireland, but Saturn lingers : a distinguished foreign sus-
pect may therefore be lodged in Kilmainham Gaol, whilst a shower of
rain will perhaps catch the Duke of Cambridge taking a little walk
without his umbrella. Simpletons may come to grief on the 1st.
MAY.-The sign Gemini rules; affairs naturally get mixed, and it
becomes almost impossible to tell t' other from which. The solar
eclipse on the 17th will attempt to explain the truth about the ghosts ;
and on the 24th the Queen's health may be drunk from 3.58 A.M. to
7.55 P.M., after which the less said the better.
JUNE.-The sign Cancer rules, and the tempers of many proceed to
grow crabbed. Mars will transit the ascendant of an eminent statesman's
horoscope, and there will be a frightful row in the House. The well-
disposed portion of the inhabitants are recommended to hold tight, and
not to take lodgings in the square of Saturn.

JULY.-The sign Leo rules, so there will, of course, he a new lion f',
the London season-probably Cetewayo. Notwithstanding that divi-
dends due on the 5th will be paid on the 8th, Sol is very high, and
things will be about as hot as they make them. Mars still continues to
be a nuisance; hence the Prime Minister wishes to goodness that he
could close the session at once.
AUGUST.-The sign Virgo rules, and young women naturally play an
important part in society. Mars enters Libra, which is not to be found
on the map, but we may hope it is somewhere in the middle of the
Pacific Ocean, and that Mars will stop there.
SEPTEMBER.-The sign Libra rules, and little girls once again set
about practising their scales. Persons whose moon was located in the
twenty-seventh degree of any sign are requested to forward it to the
harvest. Jupiter, Venus, Mars, Saturn, and Neptune make arrange-
ments to illuminate the sky with the electric light, and go off to Mar-
gate for a spree.
OCTOBER.-The sign Scorpio rules, and a terribly severe caution is
given to snakes. The trine aspect of the sun is fortunate for all but the
pheasants ; a brilliant new constellation will appear under the name of
Hood's Comic Annual, and people who live in glass houses shouldn't
throw stones.
NOVEMBER.-The sign Sagittarius rules, so an Archer may again be
seen to the fore on many race-courses. Persons who object to explosive
compounds will do wisely to keep out of the way on the 5th. The royal
horoscope makes a great many splendid promises, and a curious relic of
the Middle Ages will appear in the city of London on the 9th.
DECEMBER.-The sign Capricorn rules this month, consequently
housekeepers will be able to procure a good fresh butter. The stationary
position of Uranus, the retrogradation of Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, and
Neptune, the square of Mars to Uranus, and lots of other funny things,
will produce extraordinary results. There will be wind and rain, and
coughs and colds, and odds and ends of every description ; in the midst
of all which the Prophet will sit upon a monument, and smile compla-
cently at the world as it marvels at the accuracy of his prognostications.

JANUARY 4. 1882.

4 FUN.


i i'

N '


The Meteorological Authorities were just getting up their prophecy one day, when in walked the Clerk of the Weather. 'Look here," he said. "Just you be
a little moderate in your descriptions of my phenomena. I'm not going to get into hot water for what I turn out, and perhaps get the sack. Just you pitch it a bit
milder, or I'll have you un for libel."

Now th1. 'aw of libel is pretty comprehensive; and this i, why the Met. Authorities have lately served out our hurricanes and things under the title of" light breeze,
and so on -and they look under the furniture too. even before they venture on that strength of language

-- -- ,~A,- T-- ,n' lli

'B-u1.---,tI 1 hea tat e,
But we hear that the very next time the British Public is cau-ht in one of these softly-predicted convulsions of nature, he intends to go straight off to that Met.
orty, and hanq hm if he doe nt teach ,. So the Authority in in a difficulty.

F -T IN.-JANUARY 4, 1882.

, ,/ 7

- A / -






I /



JANUARY 4. I882.


RING in the glad New Year,
Sound the silver bells !
Ring let the people bear
How the music swells I
Ring out the joyous sound,
A New Year is born !
Tho' snow lies on the ground,
Bright now be the morn.
Off, with all his cold care
The Old Year has fled;
Gone when the trees are bare,
And the roses dead ;
Gone with storm and wild shout,
With mad thunder-roar,
The fierce waves casting out
Wreakage on the shore.
Hail to this the New Year,
Let the bells be rung !
Let the warm sunlight cheer,
And joy-songs be sung !
Come, with your laughing face,
Banish all our fear,
Let our warm greeting grace
The bright, glad New Year.

Mums the Word!
IN the papers of the 27th ult., the Aberdeen police are
credited with having discovered a clue to the Dunecht mys-
tery. "Anxious, however, to catch the principals, they are
holding their hand for the present." We should have thought
under the circumstances it would have been better for them
to hold their tongue, but suppose by the expression "hold-
ing their hand" that it is on the cards that this clue will
turn up trumps. There has been a deal of bungling hitherto,
and they have not been equal to the tricks of the offenders,
so it is to be hoped they will come out of this affair with

Seasonable Query.
DOES breathless expectation necessarily precede the pro-
duction of a Pant-omime ?

Gross MISMANAGEMENT.-When a bookseller
sell 144 copies of Hood's Comic Annual."

does not

MArs. Brown. (who dines in the miadle of the day).-" YES, OH, YES I WE

His sire, exceedingly self-willed,
Had robbed a rate collector,
Committed perjury, and killed
A wealthy bank director ;
His grandsire-(men of moral twist
Described him as "a dasher")-
Had been a thief, a bigamist,
A forger, and a smasher.
His grandsire's sire (whose life affords
A sketch of skill distorted)
Had slain three Quakers, seven lords,
And nineteen babes (assorted) ;
His grandsire's grandsire had the curse
Of genius misdirected-
I only know that he was worse
Than all the rest collected.
His aunts and uncles, too, had braved
Stern virtue's scorn, unheeding,
And been disgracefully depraved
And criminal exceeding ;
He'd had an uncle, too, whose joys
Were horribly unseemly-
He'd killed and eaten seven boys;
And him he prized extremely.
This man, inheriting the ame
Of all these felons blended-
(For why should I conceal his name ?)-
Was Mr. Weldy Sendydd.

SAFEGUARD.-A Tale of a Valuable Ancestry.

Now Brown (a man, as we shall see,
Of evil inclinations,
Regarded Weldy's pedigree
With envious sensations.
Thus, when poor S. indulged a freak
For travel's dissipation,
And for the space of quite a week
Got lost to observation,
That Brown (whose character was grim
With glaring imperfections)
At once impersonated him,
And claimed his gay connexions.
And S., continuing to roam,
And having no suspicion
Of all this treachery at home,
And graceless imposition,
Enjoyed, in vulgar phrase, his "whack
Of little dissipations,
Then unexpectedly came back
To home, and its relations.
And then he called on folks around,
Delighting to unravel
(With view to ravish and astound)
His tangled skein of travel :
He told them how in various climes
(The while they chuckled mutely)
He 'd done the most atrocious crimes,
Describing them minutely.

It's very nice," they said, "and yet,
For all this gay misdoing
They '11 hang you-much to our regret!"
But S. explained, pooh-poohing,
How his relations, all inclin'd
To evil unrestricted,
Had all been proved unsound of mind-
In other words, convicted.
On hearing this his friends were free
With their felicitations ;
But when he tried to prove that he
Belonged to his relations-
(You '11 possibly conceive his spleen
And bosom-rent condition)-
He found that wicked Brown had been
And collared his position
Behind the talismanic shield
Of lunatic relations,
That Brown indulged his unconceal'd
Old Bailey inclinations;
His right to have his naughty way
Was never once disputed ;
While Sendydd, as I'm grieved to say,
Was neatly executed.

THE COLISEUM ?-Of course it does. Why
shouldn't the "Colley see 'em," in fact, if its
eyes are in proper order ?


JANUARY 4, 1882.

I IOUGH evening dress is a bore,
In Christmas's toils we are
bound again;
We join the dress-circle once
To do the theatrical round again.
It isn't a time with advice
To come down severely, or
Sa banter mimes,
So all that we say shall be nice
Of comedies, dramas, or panter-
; mimes.
Obeying the usual call
Of duty, we give you the gist of
1 them
S (Of course, we have visited all-
S-_~ You'lI see, from the following
list of them.
/ t Without supernatural aid
Their numbers, no doubt, had
"., resisted us;
But, somehow, we weren't afraid,
For FIogerty's Faiy assisted us).
The Garden has Little Boy Blue,
B'o-Pep (which an interest gives) in it,
And also a wonderful Shoe,
And Little O/d Woman who lives in it.

Who 'd acting and gorgeousness gain
(And writing), the best plan to do so is
To drop in one night at "The Lane"
Where Harris's Robinson Crusoe is.
The Standard has Sinbad, and that
Is certainly one in a million.
And Whiltington, boys, and his Cat
Is capital at the Pavilion.
The Eorty disport at "The Wells,"
The pleasure they give is de- ,
lectable. .
The Bluebeard at Sangers' excels, -.
The Grecian is more than re- '
You'll at the Britannia find -.
The wonderful Dove that En.
chanted is ;
If towards Mother Bunch you 're I
You 11 find at the Surrey she
planted is. e l
7he Children who're left in the
At the Crystal are dancing a
sarabun ; 1
Ton Thumb (Alexandra) is good, --
And Aladdin's "all there" at TIHE SURREY.-MAC-TIIS
the Mara-bun. .'IACTING.

They're all good, as pantomimes go,
Through the list I have pretty well past of them,
And Little 7ack Homer, you know,
At the Eleph. and Cas. is the last of them,
Burlesque is again to the fore,
And rather esteemed of the laity,
At Royalty P/uto you '11 roar,
A/a/dIin's first-rate at the Gaiety.


You 'll at the Lyceum enjoy
A comedy played with felicity,
And Patience still rules the Savov
(At last all their light's electricity).
The Adelphi has Takenfiom I/fe
Some not unfamiliar material;
The 1W/il of Marfarlane is ri'e
At that afternoon place, the Imperial.
If theatrical Rivals you seek,
They bear, at the Globe, the appellative ;
You'll find at the Op'ra Comique
Mr. Sims's agreeable relative.
The Olympic, the Memberj r S.
Will show, let us say for a week or two,
The fun of the piece, and no less
Is sure to elicit a shriek or two,

The Haymarket, Comedy, Strand,
The Court, Prince of Wales's-it's strange in 'em-
The Vaudeville, Princess's, and
The Cri' show their bills without change in 'em.

There's a dish of the Drama to carve !
But sit you and have a good stuff of 'em,
There's none have occasion to starve,
For, bless us there's surely enough of 'em.'

in Sportsman.)

I have rented a capital house
In a suburb delightfully handy for town,
And, knowing your skill at the snipe and the grouse,
I'm perfectly bent upon having you down ;
My mind, I assure you, incessantly runs
On bringing you down; and I've plenty of guns.
Your sporting propensities being so keen,
I count upon seeing you here for a spell,
For-as your acuteness will probably glean-
I've rented a capital shooting as well.
This item will keep you from holding aloof:-
"Five hundred magnificent acres of roof."
The agent's account was no meaningless chaff,
Or "side" for the better securing of flats;
In the limited space of a roof and a half
I came upon seventeen coveys of cats ;
It was perfectly true, what he said in the spring,
That "the kittens were healthy and strong on
the wing."
Of course it 's a fact that the neighbours preserve,
Which only gives weight to the agent's remark
That "It's best to maintain some amount of reserve,
And always proceed with the sport after dark."
But then, he assures me, the sport is complete,
If you wait till the constable's passed on the beat.
Your dogs, unaccustomed to work on the slates,
Might possibly suffer some dangerous falls ;
But-hang it I have it, as sure as the fates-
We might set the pointers to work on the walls !
They 'd yield to command and persuasion con-
And have no objection to stretching a point.

I regret that the tensional state
Of Irish affairs (as I 'd reason to ear,
Was certain of happening early or late),
Is duly reflected most painfully here ;
Entailing results of the awkwardest sort-
I speak of the tenants' obstruction to sport.
I'm deeply and dismally troubled to find,
What I hardly expected, to give them their due,
In each of the neighboring tenants, a mind
Distinctly opposed to the sport I pursue.
I assure you I seldom am greeted with smiles-
Nay, even with courtesy, out on the tiles.
Nay, quite on the contrary, many turn out
With jugs and revolvers whenever I shoot,
While others appear at their windows and shout,
And hurl a tin kettle, a jug, or a boot ;
To show the complexion their enmity wears,
They say that the cats I 'm pursuing are theirs!
So the gun must be shelved and the sportsman be still,
And Tabby must rove, unmolested, about,
And "sport" must be simply a title, until
This spirit of restless obstruction dies out;
When I heard of the Irish misdoings I said,
"You may say what you like, but this spirit
will spread."

"One Good Turn," etc.
THE Marquis of Bath turned down II,ooo pheasants at
Longleat this season. It would be interesting to know at its
close how many of this number turned up again.

SERPENTS now coil round the arms and in the hair of
fashionable women. This is not surprising, seeing how long
they have worn boas round their necks I

JANUARY 4, 1882.

Pat (who has been ejected, and has been nursing his wrongs in a neighboring
[Bangs away with shillalek at the door.

A Miss B. STRONG, of Ross, has produced some artistic and poetical New Year's
Cards with a drawing of the Bacchante, with a view (a sea one), to obtain funds for
the Seamen's Home and other nautical charities. In addition to the beauty of the
cards, the cause for which she pleads is so good that her claim for patronage is a
Strong one.
There has been a positive epidemic of panics,-theatres, churches, chapels, and
a music hall having all been visited in this terrible way. To those who cannot,
under such trying circumstances, be equal to presence of mind, there is but one real
safeguard-absence of body.

Latest from Portland.
"The glitter of riches often serves to draw attention to the worthlessness of the
possessor," particularly when a cove 's sneaked a diamond bracelet at great risk
and it turns out "a regular duffer."

"Gaol-birds do not like the ground-cell, it's often far too damp to be pleasant."
"Birds of a feather flock together" when caged in quod, which fully accounts
for the cool retired prison becoming quite a knave-iary at times.

Too Frequent Ingratitude.
EVERY kindness ought to meet with a return. Yes, so it ought, but be kind
enough to lend a friend an umbrella, and see if it does, that's all.

MR. JOHN BRIGHT says that he likes to see hundreds in arms; but they should
be babies in their mothers': it's the only way to get any peace at all; and he thinks
any price may be paid for that, when the dear little chicksies are getting up their
high notes. The dear old man !

A Mere Mur-mur !
DURING the agitation amongst the Metropolitan Police, a waggish superintendent
always alluded to the complainants as the mur-myr "-midons of the law I

MW To CORREFsONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind hiimseif to acknowledge, return, or fav for Contributions. In no case will they be ictirned unless
accompanied by a stamped and dirncled envelope.


7 I

(A Letter from Our Ow

0 FUN.



"Honey soit qui mal y pense."
BEES are now hived by electricity with great success. On the power
being applied they are so shocked" that they fall in a kind of trance,
and are at once "trance"-ferred to a new hive. Next, we suppose, we
shall have our bees for convenience of swarming inhabiting the cells of
galvanic batteries!
The Playful Old Creatures.
EVEN old ladies of seventy can be winning while playing whist, dear
boys; at least, so that jovial little card, Lord Harry, remarked at the
club the other night, and he says he 's paid bitterly for the experience.
Cumulative Horrors.
CENTRALIZATION.-Roughs going to a monster meeting.
DECENTRALIZATION.-Roughs dispersing therefrom.
INDECENTRALIZATION.-The mock Litany-mongers who abound at
such gatherings, and in defiance of all that is sacred spout their blasphemies
with impunity.
"Surrly in the morning !"

For Excellence of i, I For Oleaullnes
Quality. G0d Medal i use.
Sold by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere.

Just published. Price Twopence.
"FUN" ALMANAC for 1882.
Now Ready. One Shilling; post-free, is. zd.
And other distinguished Authors.
To be had oi any Bookseller and Newsagent, at all Railway Bookstalls, and at

Cocoa thickens in C
the cup, it proves
h- addition of
Neither scratch nor spurt, the pouintst b new Starch addition E
process. Sample Bo, 6d., or post-free 7 stanips. Works: i
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London: Printed by Dalaiel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at 733 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 4th, 1882.



The exiled Taycoon of Japan has engaged in business as
a photographer at San Francisco.
I WILL take you standing, sitting, but you '11
have to stand the sitting,
For a Taycoon who is exiled can't afford to
stand a thing ;
And I think a might-be monarch, who has had
to do a flitting,
Should be commonly regarded less at stand
than on the wing.
And the very best emporium-that style pre-
vails at 'Frisco,
Which goes in as much for tall talk as it does
for lowly lives;
I 've before my regal lens you may compose
yourself, and risk, oh !
E'en your sisters, and your cousins, and your
maiden aunts and wives.
For, par excellence, a prince has a delightful
way of taking,"
Be it civil lists, or merely the affections of
the crowd
(Though I can't say that in my case the lost
burden caused much aching),
And I'll take you plain or coloured, and
I'll take you mild or loud.
As my parentage will vouch for, I've a special
gift for poses
Of the angular and awkward, modern super-
high-art style,
And the people who'd be taken with stiff
fingers and blue roses,
Will find out in .my collodion that they've
thoroughly struck ile.
Come, walk up, a prince awaits you, and will
royally adjust
The position of your flounces and your attitude
of bust;
And his knowledge of Court customs will
enable him to place
Even shoddy German traders in a pose akin
to grace.
lie of course knows to perfection how to
simper and salaam;
In the act of hari-kari would you figure, here
I am;
It would be a nice memento, mounted with
superior care,
To diminish the acuteness of your relatives'
Then what backgrounds I can give you I No
perspective, and all that
Mean subserviency to Nature-backgrounds
beautifully flat,
With birds stuck on them like wafers, and the
trees stuck through like sticks ;
Why, against that, Venus Victrix, poor old
thing, might still play tricks !
Then, if ever I recover my dominion, or part,
Think, oh, think! what signal lustre will be
shed upon your carte!
When a Taycoon has retaken his hereditary
To be taken by a Taycoon takes a coon from
off his feet 1

0 Gem-ini!
THE police are said to be at their wits' ends
about the IIatton Garden Post Office robbery.
They must not tope as much; they must get
u-p earl-ier, and never say die-amond till they
can meet each other with the exclamation,
"We have discovered the thieves, 0 pal!"

An "interest" table.


-- II I

- -- -z-
------ -----%-- .-

EGD --

.Esthetic Youth (who has been sending Wiggles oft to sleep by reading poetry).-" THEY
Wiggles (suddenly waking up).-" DONT, OLD MAN; HAVE A STRONG S. AND B. AND
[At this period Wiggles had to run and fetch a doctor.

A Greecy Fate.
No wonder the members of the new Greek Chamber are not quite so spotless and clean-
handed as we could wish. To go through an election in the Kingdom of the Hellenes, to can-
vass in Greece, to be carried in Greece, ultimately to sit in Greece, remember, are operations
calculated to result at best in the candidate's "fatty" degeneration. "Stainless" politicians
under such circumstances are wellnigh impossible.

vol., xxxv.-NO, 870



i2 FU

jSot Much.
I KNEW that Love and Hope were
But never entertained a notion
That I should illustrate the tale
Of Woman's wiles and Man's devo-
Despair, with one terrific blow,
Has bowled me over like a skittle.
t It seems but half an hour ago
Since I adored her- ust a little.
IHow oft we stole the spoony walk-
In streets adjoining Piccadilly-
When Passion prompted all my talk,
And made my talk intensely silly
Of things we said and vows we swore
I scarcely recollect a tittle;
She blushed confessions o'er and o'er,
Till I believed her-just a little.
A hated rival crossed my path,
And seized the false and fickle rover;
I might have slain him in my wrath,
But he was two yards high and over.
M.y joys are (lead ; my dreams are fled,
Like babbles bright, but, ah I so brittle ;
And yet I only wrote, and said
That I despised her-just a little,

OLD MASTERS.-Although displaying numerous examples from many
choice collections, the present assemblage is perhaps not so rich, as a
whole, as some of its predecessors; nevertheless, there are abundant
.specimens of rare excellence to delight the lovers and instruct the earnest
students of the Old Masters."
THE GROVESNOR GALLERY Winter Exhibition is chiefly notable
for the large collection of pictures by G. F. Watts, R.A., which are in
themselves a monument of that gifted artist's rare and exalted abilities.
We might be almost tempted to say, Watt's it all about ? but it is
not so. There is a very admirable collection of water-colours, surpassing
previous displays in these rooms, and containing many noteworthy works
'y young men of exceptional abilities.
THE SOCIETY OF BRITISH ARTISTS has gathered together in its
present Winter Exhibition a considerable number of good praiseworthy
works, although there are perhaps none of particularly high standard.
Most of the members maintain their relative positions, but outsiders do
not suffer by comparison. Whilst the elder artists are well represented,
the younger men show strength and power, boding well for a vigorous
future. A large number of indifferent and inferior works have found
places on the walls which would have been better filled by others that
have been returned to the artists with the "Council's regrets."
Exhibition is a fair average collection, amongst the most remarkable
works being Sir John Gilbert's The King ;" J. W. North's Season
of Mist ;" Alfred Hunt's "Durham; Clara Montalba's "Coming into
Port;" J. D. Watson's "A Warm Reception;" Wilmot Pilsby's
"Withies and Sunday Morning; Birket Foster's "St. Gervaise,
Falaise-Market Day and The Falls of the Tummel; Basil
Bradley's "Getting in the Barley;" and "Red Lotus Lilies," by Walter
Duncan. Most of the other works in the gallery will commend them-
selves by their merits as well worthy of attention,
sent Exhibition may be characterized as above the average, many
works of superior calibre being in the collection ; as such, we may point
to E. 3. Gregory's "Greenhithe" and "A Calm on the Medway;"
Harry Hines "Early Morning," "Pr6 Mill House," and "Rough
Sea :" G. J. Wimperis's "Low Tide;" John Fullylove's "Cottages
in Leicestershire ;" W. Small's "Squire Western and his Daughter ;"
Mark Fisher's "Near Honfluer" and Pasturage by the Sea ; G. G.G
Kilburne's An Appointment ;" T. W. Wilson's "First Love ; T.
Collier's Stacking Peat; J. D. Linton's "The Earl of Leicester ;"
G. Clausen's "An Interior-Study ; H. G. Hine's "Mill at Offham,
Sussex;" and C. Green's Cup and Ball" and Yours Devotedly." At
a time when "black and white" is being more deeply studied, better
understood, and generally appreciated, the drawings by Mr. C. Green
may be looked at as able examples. Many other works in the gallery
highly merit attentive observation.


FUN sits holding his head and rocking himself to and fro in an agony
of fear and perplexity.
Now and again he gazes at himself in the glass to ascertain whether
the fixed stare of idiotcy or the meaningless glare of insanity is visible
in his eye. Now and again he looks at his spirit bill to discover whether
he has inadvertently brought on delirium tremens. Now and again he
pinches himself, or inserts his penknife in his calf, to find out whether
he is dreaming some dreadful dream. Now and again he rubs himself
with a lucky sixpence to undo any evil spell which might possibly be
upon him. Then he goes through a series of processes to the end of
ascertaining whether it is the world that is mad-whether the com-
munity of his fellow-creatures has del. trem,-whether they it is who are
acting under the influence of sleep-whether they are labouring under
some nasty spell. And at length he almost begins to think that that
must really be the state of the case.
For there is something peculiar about things-some strange, unwhole-
some, horrible, revolting mixing up of the awful, the sad, the tragic, the
comic, and the burlesque-which FUN (who is good at understanding
things, mostly) can not understand, and doesn't want to either I
Twice lately has there fallen upon FUN the black shadow of a tragic
occurrence-a shadow that has chilled him until he has drawn tighter
about him his particoloured cape,and awed and grieved him until he
has thrown down his bauble and hidden his face.
The first time it seemed to be a murder. He seemed to hear a pistol-
shot; he seemed to see the head of a people fall; then linger in agony
for many weeks; then die. He seemed to hear the wail of the people
go up; to hear regret and indignation on every tongue; to hear vows of
vengeance upon the murderer, and reports of groups of men drawn
together for vengeance. Then he thought he heard rumours of an
approaching trial. He, deluded ashe was, fancied that all this was tragic,
serious, and awful. But gradually, as he observed, it seemed to his
senses that laughter mingled with the sounds of grief and anger. Then
FUN seemed to be in a place where the murderer sat at a table ; and
they told FUN that it was a court of justice, and that the murderer was
on his trial. But-was it all part of one troubled and incongruous dream,
or a dream in the midst of other events that were real ?-FUN seemed to
have a feeling that he had got into a theatre by mistake, and struggled
always to get out of it and find the court of justice; yet others around
him seemed to think it was the court; and FUN'S brain ached with all
this. And one who was called the prisoner (but seemed to FUN'S be-
wildered sense to be the clown) flung ceaseless gibes and roaring jests at
one called the judge (who seemed like the pantaloon). And this went
on for many weeks, and the merriment grew fast and furious; and to
FUN'S wild puzzlement it seemed that there was going up and down
traps, and rallies, and many trick-acts, and turning of somersaults per-
petually, and blue and red fires ; so that FUN could bear no more, but
hurled himself from the pandemonium and fled.
And the second time it seemed as if some respected and earnest man,
with many relatives and friends who loved him well, was lost between
earth and sky. And none could tell if he had gone to the sky or not.
And this seemed a grave and sad thing too; for search was made all
round the coasts, and in foreign lands, for some trace of the missing
man or a balloon-for a balloon was in it. But while FUN was
thinking sadly on this too, this too seemed to turn to merriment; for
there were those-whether men, or devils, or vermin, FUN could not
make out in his bewilderment-who made a gay jest of casting upon the
sea sham balloons to lead the searchers on fool's errands, and bottles
containing lying manuscripts purporting to come from the lost man.
And at this stage FUN seemed to grow full of loathing, contempt, and
abhorrence, and to wonder why devils were allowed to stray on the
earth, and why all noisome vermin were not swept away from the face
of it.
And still FUN knows not whether he wakes or sleeps-whether he is
mad or sane-whether he is in the midst of a vision that makes the frame
But this one thing he knows-that since he has found out upon what
foundations mirth and merriment are built up now, and to what use
they are turned now, and what occasions are thought fitting for them
now, he will have no more of this his profession henceforth, but will
burn his bauble, lest the world may think that he hath formed it out
of a mute's staff.

THE "glad New Year" has begun by bringing to an end the long
and successful life of Mr. IIarrison Ainsworth. The recent bestowal of
honours by his native townsmen put a crown upon his career. By his
works he has charmed, spellbound, and delighted millions during his
lifetime, and millions may mourn his loss now that he is dead ; but it
is some consolation to know that "his works live after him," and their
power will reign supreme, though he has ceased to reign.


Paddies Evermore.
At a recent Land League Ladies' Meeting at Ballydehob, the police
cautioned them that they would be prosecuted if they persevered, and
Were answered by the singing ofa revolutionary air, "Paddies evermore."
OH, these Lady Leaguers truly
Act as sure none others can;
They deny and scorn so throughly
The supremacy of man!
Do they cry, the pretty darlings,
When they're chided ? No such thing !
But with voices clear as starlings
They contemptuously sing.
When police, on force relying,
Bid them mind what they 're about,
'T is their method of replying
Paddies evermore" to shout:-
Though we always thought that Paddies
Meant, in either prose or song,
Not the lassies but the laddies;
But it seems that we were wrong.
English folk might think it folly
And a sign of mauvais ton,
If, say, Paul called himself Polly,
Or if Jane called herself John.
But O'Briens and O'Gradys
Inconsistencies ignore,
So no doubt these Irish ladies
Will be "Paddies evermore."

A Long Line of Relations.
IT is said that "Prince Bismarck will shortly make im-
portant statements concerning the relations between Prussia
and the Vatican." The sisters, and the cousins, and the
aunts in the line of country indicated must be careful what
they are about, or things will look very Prussian-blue for

Latest from Washington.
SAYS Judge Porter to Guiteau,
Your insults I veto !"
Guiteau says to his Judge,
"Your remarks are mere fudge."

POLLY-THEISTS.-Worshippers of Mary.

Young Lady (who notices men's dress).-" OH, DEAR! How DIREADIFUL !

Monday.l-Rise solemnly-and earlier than usual, somewhere about
half-past ten-full of the awe-inspiring thought that this is another mile-
stone on the road of life (poetic idea that, but seem to have seen it some-
where). And at once, in the matter of that getting up, I must amend!
I'll buy an alarm, and fix it perpetually at eight. Mustn't overdo it.
This will tend to the properly social breakfast of a family man, as dis-
tinguished from the naughty newspaper repast of the solitary. Into
town, and don't talk to Brown in 'bus, because he belongs to a con-
vivial club where newspaper men go-and I must begin to drop low
company at my time of life. Home early for dinner, instead of going
to my club for sherry and bitters and a chat. Result: dinner not ready,
and a row. Never mind, must begin to practise patience.
Tuesday.--Well, it wasn't exactly eight. But if I did stop the alarum
and go to sleep again, one can't revolutionize one's existence all at once.
And it wasn't more than half-past nine, after all. Practised patience
by settling row, and hearing the other party remark that she was glad
I knew when I was wrong at last Had to say just a word or two to
Brown-on business. In fact, I am going to-well, rather use Brown
than otherwise. To the club: must mix with one's fellow-men. But
no sherry and bitters, and resolutely refuse whist. Quiet evening in
bosom of family. How the baby does vociferate! Teeth, of course;
but he couldn't make more noise if they were tusks.
Wednesday.-Ha I up at seven this time. Not the alarum, though
-the baby 1 Rather a row about baby, I'm afraid, and this time I don't
exercise all the patience requisite to entitle one to rank with the pro-
verbial Job. In fact, I rather bang the door than otherwise. Bad, this
-at another milestone on road of life, etc.; but Angelica is irritating
at times. Stay out to dinner, and telegraph "business." It's insult to
injury, I 'm afraid, but-well, I do get home before twelve; and I was
adamant in refusing that last whisky punch at the club.

Thursday.-Splendid offer in the City, in Peruvians. aut no, 1 have
given up this kind of rash speculation, this commercial gaming; must
think of wife and family. Feel that I really owe myself something for
resisting, and am early at club ; and I think the waiter said tweo sherry
and bitters. In good humour home to dinner, and find Angelica i:
dining with her mother. Not a good humour, but rather too much
grog-and words subsequently.
griday.- . Those Peruvians! Brown cleared four thousand
over them, and sneers at me offensively for waiting, Buy ; this isn't
speculation, it's certainty! Shun club, and am amiable, as usual, at
home. So is Angelica, which is not so usual.
Saturday.-Why was I so ridiculous about giving up gaming-that is
to say, why didn't I give it up yesterday, and not the day before? Ptru-
vians nowhere. Fifteen hundred to the bad. After melancholy day in
City go to club to cheer myself up. Whist till past dinner-time. Why
did I renounce it ?-win forty pounds, which is something, in spite of
Peruvians. Don't tell Angelica, because she has always told me so.
Don't tell about whist either; would only make her think the drawing-
room wanted a new carpet.
Sunday.-Throw bootjack at that confounded alarum and smash it:
man can't be a slave to that kind of thing; destroys his individuality,
hang it I Invitation from Brown. Good fellow, Brown, lends me the
four thousand without interest. Dine at his convivial club, and even
the newspaper men rattling amusing company. But something awfully
powerful in convivial cigars, or it may have been convivial oysters.
Seem to create inextinguishable thirst-and home four o'clock. Oh,
dear, the first week's just about the same as the last. Well, we '11 put
off the turning over of the new leaves till-till 1883.

A Nominal Suggestion.
MR. DE GEX, Q.C., has been appointed Treasurer of Lincoln's Inn
to the natural De-Gex-ion of the unsuccessful candidates.



Once upon a time there was an enchanted palace, named the War Office, where an old miser, named The Authorities, slept a long enchanted sleep; while sentries ol
red tape held him bound, and also watched over the bounty money and medals, due to many a deserving soldier, that they might not be given to him. .
Once upon a time there was an encha pe) the Pey r O fn Blare an old miser nad The Authorities. slept a n enchanted s Authities.
red tape held him bound, and allo watched over the bounty money and medals, due o a deserving soldier, that they m Oigh 1o tse while h se earned

them. And everybody was happy and contented. merain anie the g ging or to re due cturie s ago.

__ _FIUN.-JANUARY ir, 1882.


* 9 T J ; n i - i. i .. -- .. .- ^ i. |M i.- -- i -- .i. -n...| 1 '' ,_ ^ J L "._ ._ -,~ i-


Mrs. Britannia,--"YOU

JANUARY 11, IS82. F U N 17

(Being FUN'S Prophetic Description of the next Fire in a London
OUR special reporter, inquiring around,
Has noticed that very acute and profound
Sensations exist on a theme that requires
Attention-the theme of theatrical fires.
The many remarks that have reached him attest
That the feeling which animates every breast
Is one of disgust, in its liveliest shape,
At the present inadequate means of escape.
The common opinion was loudly exprest
That the matter should not be permitted to rest
Till measures effective, and thorough, and sure,
Were taken to render the public secure.
Our special reporter took pains to amass
The views and opinions of every class,
In order to thoroughly well understand
The feeling in vogue on the subject in hand.
He found the opinionists' principal goal
Was banning the manager body and soul,
With notions for rending him body and limb,
And plans of ingenious tortures for him.
The Carpenter said that the first thing to do
Was sawing the manager slowly in two ;
And then he proceeded to put into shape
His capital plans for ensuring escape.
He went the whole round of the home of the play
And showed, in a pithily practical way,
His method of bolting and barring, contrived
To yield at a touch when the moment arrived.
The Mason, not much of an orator, toiled
To explain how the manager ought to be boiled.
"There's safety," he said, "in one method alone-
That's building the stairways entirely of stoae."
There wasn't a doubt that the manager ought
To be slowly disjointed, the Clothier thought;
Then briefly he mentioned the thing that would pay,-
Unburnable clothing for folks at the play.
The Attendants remarked (though they didn't condemn)
That if the affair were entrusted to them,
Each being supplied with the key of a door,
The audience never need fear any more.
The Public, by anger and bitterness stirred,
Were first too indignant to utter a word ;
From subsequent gasps it was gleaned that they yearned
For the hanging of everybody concerned.

Then a play was announced, and the audience went,
And put on those clothes which that Clothier sent;
The Carpenter-highly intelligent man-
Had made all the doors and the bolts to his plan ;
The stairs were of stone, and as broad as could be,
And every Attendant was given a key;
And things were as safe as the heart could desire,
When one of the audience shouted out Fire !"
But the Carpenter party of whom I have sung,
To save himself sevenpence-farthing, had hung
The doors without hinges, and so it transpired
That they couldn't be opened, now that was required.
They couldn't in any event, if you please,
Because the Attendants had lost all the keys;
Moreover the Mason, most prudently bent
On saving elevenpence, cost of cement,
Had gaily omitted the same from the stair,
Which fell when the audience hurled themselves there.
And the patent unburnable dresses were shed,
As the maker had glued them to save him in thread.
But it wouldn't have mattered had all been in shape,
As the Audience set themselves not to escape ;
Their plan was to block up the exits, and shout
And fight as if mad-and they carried it out.
And after it all, when they came to inquire,
They found that there never had been any fire ;
As it happened, they all had escaped from a grand
Manslaughtero-suicide, splendidly planned I

I ... "
i p ..*.

"Yielding to the exigencies of the weather, the Porte ha, postponed until thlu
spring the introduction of reforms nArminnia. -LontI DI I ,VKIN, Z)aiy 7,1* 4;p ;,
January .nd, iS32.

AT Christmas-time (aid other times) you '11 generally find
Some folks who are not very much to theatres inclined ;
And there are other people who to cater for them aim-
Now let us note the pabulum provided by the same.
The Canterbury Music Hall, for elegance and ease,
Is eminently calculated connoisseurs to please,
Ofev'ry ballet spectacle you '11 find it has the pull
In something which they advertise "Cabul, Cabul, Cabul."
The Oxford has a programme which, they tell us, is immense:
There's the lady they've engaged at an unlimited expense,
There's jolly Nash, whose laughing songs we never can resist,
There 's Leybourne and Fred Albert and a fair ventriloquist;
They've balladists, contortionists, and pantomimists too,
Miss Russell singing songs as years ago she used to do,
There 's Sydney Franks, Miss Stewart, Bessie Bellwood, and the rest;
There's liquor too; but that's a thing we never, never test.
Then the Westminster Aquarium has lots of things to see,
And all the extra shows and things are absolutely free;
Farini's Tattooed "Nobleman," a novelty will rank;
Miss Beckwith you '11 discover with her brother in a tank.
The Moore and Burgess Minstrels, in St. James's greater hall,
Will quite repay the visitor who goes and makes a call.
The quips and cranks and jokes and things are far from falling flat;
There's such a song about "a Girl who wears an Archer hat."
They've ballad concerts now and then at what they call "the Vic. ;"
The Mohawks at the distant Agricultural are "slick ;"
And at the Agricultural they have a country fair;
And mirth and joke and jollity are quartered everywhere.

The Increase of Crime in Ireland.
"THERE never was any party, faction, sect, or cabal whatsoever, in
which the most ignorant were not the most violent; for a bee is aot a
busier animal than a blockhead." So says Pope, and his words apply
to uneducated ruffians in Ireland, who think to advance their ends by
slaughtering inoffensive women and mutilating harmless cattle. Mr.
Herbert Gladstone says that the state of Ireland is exaggerated tenfold
by the English Press; but, unfortunately for this sweeping statement,
everybody must notice that the list of bond fide outrages enlarges daily.
These crimes show what harm a handful of fanatical maniacs can work
on the minds of an uncultivated, illiterate peasantry,-who otherwise
would be cultivating their land, breeding and converting their pigs into
gentle bacon, instead of attacking each other. Surely at last they will
find out that to kill with intent to salt is better than to assault with
intent to kill.

iS I~F U NIiJi1. JANUAIZV 11, 1882.

SELL, well, on the whole I'm in-
clined to think it is a good thing
Christmas does come but once a
year. Not that I don't enjoy Christ-
mas-I do extremely. I like the
-- jollity, and merry-making, and par-
ties, and things (though I don't think
S I should care to be the host to the
Moreton Brothers), and I like Christ-
S mas Day itself-especially when it
comes on a Sunday ; the tradespeo-
I ple "keep it" on the Monday, and
") "forget all about asking for Christmas
S boxes until too late : why, I had to
postman to give him his; but I 'm
S' glad Christmas comqs only once a
year; and if you want a reason from
a single-handed noticer of theatrical
S novelties, well, look at the theatres I
How am I to get through that lot
\ before the next Christmas novelties
The Drury Lane pantomime is a
triumph of gorgeousness and "gag," and there is as strong a cast as
could be wished for. The people at Covent Garden have put on a
wonderful Shoe which admirers of humour and mechanism will (strange
to say) be sorry to see the "last" of. Taken from Life at the Adelphi
is a clever melodrama of the WIorld and Youth pattern, with perhaps a
trifle more literary merit, which you'll own is not extravagant praise.
It is just a question to me whether Aladdin at the Gaiety isn't as funny
as the famous Forty; the dresses are very novel, and Mr. Edward
Terry's is a welcome return. Mr. Pinero's Squire has created a sensa-
tion in more senses than one. Some of these things I hope to touch
upon in detail next week.

On Boxing Night the Lyceum gave us a scene of luxury and beauty
before the curtain, and what seemed like a look into the past on the
stage. Like all looks into the past, though, things were seen "with a
difference." In Two Rojs's, Lottie, Jack, and Our Mr. Jenkins were not
quite the pleasant persons I used to think them. Digby Grant alone
stands the test of time. This confirms me in an impression which I
have always had, that this piece is a triumphant example of dexterously
"fitting a company." The mannerisms and peculiarities which are the
life-blood of Grant are more or less personal to Mr. Irving; the same
may be said of Our Mr. Jenkins and the late Mr. Honey, and, in a much
less degree, of Jack and the late Mr. H. J. Montague.

Mr. Irving's Grant is still the finished study it always was, with many
thoughtful touches added, though the lavish adulation he has received
is, I think, scarcely called for,-he surely fails to give the right variety
to the recurring How dare you ? addressed to Jack. I should take
the first to be an exclamation of pure anger at what he must think an
outrage; the second, a sort of agitated "surprise that such thing can
be; and the third (when I should suppose him to have recovered
himself), a piece of pompous self-assertion. Then, again, the impatient
"Ah I ahl I ah addressed to Lottie, becomes a sort of funny little
bark which is irritating. But on the whole the performance is worthy
of the actor, who shows by innumerable little touches the man of
genius, thought, and resource, giving very perfect picture of the hum-
bug who has even humbugged himself.

Mr. David James's genial face and manner were heartily welcomed
in the person of Our Mr. Jenkins, who was deservedly applauded for a
very complete performance. Some judicious excisions have been made
in Jenkins's speeches over the sample case," and it is a pity but what
the same supervision had been exercised over some in the third act.
Mr. Terriss is a very good Jack, but lacks tenderness somewhat. Mr.
G. Alexander (a new comer) gave a careful rendering of Caleb Deecie,
and Mr. Howe played Furnivall carefully.

The Ida of Miss Helen Mathews (who appeared vice Miss Fanny
Josephs, indisposed) was very praiseworthy, particularly in the second
act (but why in the name of wonder, Mr. Irving, hasn't she a three-fold
dining-room screen to hide behind instead of a ridiculous fire-screen

that would scarcely hide a fly ?) ; but, with every disposition to favour a
painstaking lady, I can only describe Miss Winifred Emery's Lottie as
superficial; she works conscientiously and does her best, but there is
decided want of depth.
The good old days of the Royalty seem to have returned, the days of

merry "Patty Oliver," when we always got our farce to begin with, our
two-act domestic drama, and our bright well cast burlesque to complete
the tale. Some weeks ago I said "the Royalty is nothing without
burlesque, and, with such a company, why not have a burlesque?'
Mr. Henderson has wisely taken my advice- (of course of course mI
advice)-and the result is brilliant success.

Pluto is the model of what a burlesque should be, except that it lacks
rather in "character "-sparkling lines, funny puns, coherent story, and
first-class mounting have made it a draw already. Miss Thompson's

Orpheus is full of vivacity, and she has forgotten none of her cunning as
a dancer. Mr. Glenny is a funny Aristseus, and Master Gerard a supple!
Cerberus. Mr. W. J. Hill is Pluto-and everybody knows what W. J.
Hill is; his inimitable drollery is rather thrown away on the part, though.

By the way, Mr. Hill sings a very comical duet with Miss Wadman on
the Glou-glou" air from La Mascotte-that evidently wants another
verse; what do Mr. Hill and Miss Wadman say to this?-
EURYDICE. When tenderly you call me duck,
And sing it to me in the wrong key,
PLUTO. When underneath your chin I chuck,
And for the act you call me don(g)key;
EURY. Ah, then, for causes not remote,
To which we cannot well be blinded,
PLU'ro. We of the duck and donkey's note
Are irresistibly reminded.
EURY. Duckling's note is sweet,
PLUTO. Donkey's that can beat.
Low his gentle voice is, haw hee-haw I hee-haw !
EURY. Soft their pretty quack.
PLUTO. Duckling's best to eat,
EURY. Donkey 's best to beat,
PLUTO. Though his gentle voice is haw I hee-haw &c.

Miss Wadman's Eurydice is very pleasant and amusing, her singing
being particularly good; Miss Maude Taylor is a sprightly Proserpine,
and Miss Trevor deserves a word for a rather funny "Classical Tilly
Slowboy." There is a bright, down-East, Rocky-Mountain air about
Miss Ella Chapman's Charon, with its distinctive dancing, singing, and
banjo-playing, which is very taking and refreshing.

Mr. Sims's piece at the Opera Comique is outrageously funny, and
thoroughly Simsian. Thoroughly Simsian in the madness of a mirth
which yet has method in't" ; and a big point in its favour is that, amid
all the wild, intricate, and diverting complications the characters get into,
the audience is never allowed to lose the thread for a moment, and the
story is held so well in hand that a few sentences at the end set every-
thing right. Afother-in-Law is a piece to be seen by every one with a
taste for what the author rather harshly calls "frivolous" comedy. It is
a piece thoroughly clever, thoroughly funny, and thoroughly pure.

Miss Sallie Turner gives full effect to the character of the Mother-in-Law,
Mr. Vernon makes the most of the perplexed author Talfourd Twigg,
Mr. Bishop is splendid in make-up and manner as thejoke-cutting lawyer,
and Miss Houliston is a very pleasant Rosa Matilda, a lady whose pecu-
liarities are sufficiently indicated by her name. The company, indeed,
is very good all round; but the characters are of the class that "play
themselves," making no great call upon the actor. NESTOR.

JANUARY I1, 1882. F U N 19

WE go to the play, and we greatly admire,
We are such a couple of fools I
The doors to be opened in case of a fire,
We are such a couple of fools
But cannot help thinking, to make it all right,
In case of a theatre "catching alight,"
They ought to be use-able every night,
We are such a couple of fools!
We think more security ought to be found,
We are such a couple of fools I
For workers in collieries under the ground,
We are such a couple of fools I
We think when a train is smashed up on the rails,
And it's shown what an option of codes there prevails,
The men who compile them should people our jails,
We are such a couple of fools I
We're pleased to remark we 've been frequently dunned,
We are such a couple of fools !
For the Mansion House Ellis Political Fund,
We are such a couple of fools I
The Treaty of Commerce twixtt England and France
Shows little appearance of rapid advance;
We don't think the thing has the ghost of a chance,
-We are such a couple of fools !
We'd bring nary blush to America's face,
We are such a couple of fools!
But the trial of Guiteau we think a disgrace,
We are such a couple of fools I
We think 't would be best to withdraw the police,
And give Mr. Guiteau immejut release,
For, when he is lynched, they can try him in peace,
We are such a couple of fools !

London Cottage Mission.
To aid in building a new mission hall for this deserving
charity, a Bazaar is to be held at the Myddelton Hall, Isling- COLD W I THOU T.
ton, on the iith, 12th, and 13th inst.; all whose mission it is onfs.-" WHAT WILL YOU HAVE, BROWN? "
to be charitably disposed can render valuable aid by their Braown.-" OH! I DON'T KNOW; I THINK I'LL HAVE A ScOTCH COLD."
patronage, and get good value for their money, in giving their ones (inclined to be waggish).-" AH, DO. I HAD AN ENGLISH ONE
support. This, though in our columns, is not said in Fun. LAST WEEK; IT WAS FIRST-RATE."

IT is not for me, Sir, to say in what particular paths of life I have
distinguished myself. It is not for me, in fact, to anticipate the epitaph
a sorrowing nation may inscribe upon my tomb. But yet, Sir, in case
any question should arise on this point when I am gone-in case, say,
rival inscriptions be urged, or disputes arise as to the exact words
which would most fitly find a place on my memorial slab-I would ven-
ture to suggest that the following short and simple legend would appro-
priately represent what may haply prove the crowning labour of my
Extra-Special life:-
Yes, Sir, that is all. Few words, you see, and simple as may be;
and yet, to those who know the living ostrich intimately, or have studied
in books the habits of that leggy bird, they will, methinks, tell a story
at once eloquent and adventuresome, and convey a suggestion of pluck
and determination so abnormal that it is certainly not for me to dwell
upon them.
He brought them up by hand !" Yes, let that be the record of the
future; but meanwhile, as you may have guessed, such an epitaph would
be slightly premature. As a matter of fact, that is to say, I am still en-
gaged in bringing my four young and downy ostrichlings up by hand,
and the operation is by no means completed,
You will recollect, no doubt, in what a sudden way seven nearly-
hatched ostrich-eggs were left on my hands early in November. How
thereupon the members of my household and myself devotedly took to our
beds, each of us with his or her egg, and never allowed one of the seven to
get cold for close -upon fifteen days, is also matter of history, though the full
details of that fortnight of domestic heroism still remain to be written.
But since our devotion was rewarded by the hatching of five young birds
(one, alas I never lived to come down from the attic where it broke its
shell, but came to a sooty end up the chimney) you have heard nothing
of the brood. The truth is that ill-omened Co-operative Ox of ours has
monopolized my time and attention, and the fact that I am still bringing

up four feathery younglings by hand is in itself a significant proof, I
think, that they have been saved for some great end.
Far be it from me to boast, but there is something pleasurable, say
what you will, in being the first ostrich farmer in my native isle; and it
was mainly this feeling that sustained me when, during that severe spell
of weather we had some weeks since, I thrice left my warm couch each
night and administered beet-tea to my callow charges through a glass
But amply have I been repaid or my care, and I only wish you could
look in now, Sir, and see me as I sit writing in my secondhand green-
house, with my four young ostriches around me gambolling in their
downy glee, and already giving fair promise of that development of tail-
feather which fills the ostrich farmer's soul with jocund joy.
There is always a fly in the ointment, though, and the inherited in-
stinct which leads my young birds to swallow any odd articles of hard-
ware they find about is already becoming annoying. So long as they
kept to rusty nails, pieces of flowerpots, and the covers of empty meat-
tins, I laughed at what I thought a queer idiosyncrasy ; but when it came
to them swallowing between them a valuable Chubb's latchkey and a
presentation silver fruit-knife, which I carelessly left about, I seriously
thought of muzzling them.
I have not yet done so, however ; in fact, the bird which bolted the
Chubb has grown so much more than the others that I am not sure it
would not pay to feed him on old keys altogether.
But this point, and many others of equal interest, I propose to raise
shortly at a small gathering I have convened at my house to consider
" Ostriculture in all its phases. I have invited Dr. Darwin, Professor
Huxley, the Secretary of the Zoo," Mr. Tegetmeier, and other ornitho-
logists to attend, and if the ostriches only survive, I anticipate a most
instructive meeting.
Meanwhile, as Biddy, my favourite bird, is making a spirited attack
upon my heels, I will say no more, but proceed to distribute the sixteen-
pence in bronze, sent by an appreciative returned South African colonist,
amongst my lanky proteges.

4r To COHRsNlcDR.NT- .-7.e Fditor dors not liut himself to ac-knowledge, return. or pay for Contrilblion,,. In Ito es-dI/wt "i'd Iet,,ne'd nndcss
acrompanied by' a s/,,,,,iednd ,soo et e ,juj e~nr'elioji.

20 F UNT3Zi. JANUARY I1, 1882

-- -- V

kk _


A Great Blunder.
Oscar Wilde says he is disappointed with the Atlanti.-daiaDly Pajer.
THERE's Oscar Wilde, that gifted chylde,
Fair Poesie's anointed,
Has, like a brick, the Atlantic
Crossed, to be disappointed.
Poor Oscar Wilde, aesthetic chylde:
The Atlantic ought to know it 1
A fault so grave to misbehave
And disappoint a poet!

Very like a Whale.
"A DEAD whale was washed up on the beach at Milford last Sunday
morning. It measured sixty feet in length, and was so high it could be
smelt nearly a mile away." This is the tallest thing in whales that has
ever been seen with the eye or perceived with the nasal organ. There
is a well-known dirge entitled "'Let us wail," but we should think the
generality of people would not a whale themselves of the opportunity.


Just published. Price Twopence.
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Now Ready. One Shilling; post-free, Is. 2d.
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And other distinguished Authors.
To be had or any Bookseller and Newsagent, at all Railway Bookstalls, and at

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London : Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moflitt. at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January nith, 1882.

JANUARYiS, 1882 FUT 21

(A Ballad of the Other Side of the Question, by
a Wron-headed Contributor whom we have
since discharged.)
IN deep and agonizing doubt,
And grim remorse that knew no stint,
A wretched father crawled from out
His humble home behind the Mint;
As pale as some dejected ghost
With inward bitterness and gall,
He sat upon a corner-post
Beside his favoured house of call.
A broken tale he tried to spin,
From which, as near as I could learn,
He seemed to be a partner in
A paying burglary concern;
His story-not devoid of force,
Yet inconsecutively spun-
Appeared to point to some remorse
About a lost and injured son.
He'd sold this son-so ran the tale-
To pine within some Arab's grip,
Beneath the subterfuge and veil
Of orthodox apprenticeship;
It seemed that when this act was done
It had not come to him to learn
Of that great opening for his son,
The paying burglary concern.
He might have had an honoured name,
And learned to burglarize and that,"
The father said, "instead of shame
Attaching to an acrobat ;-
While now, of father's care bereft,
He don't know how to steal a blow I "
(The very lowest kind of theft,
As I suppose, that burglars know.)
0 reader, spare this father's acts
Their seemingly deserved abuse,
And let's examine all the facts
In hopes of finding some excuse :
The parent, poor and ill-advised,
Without one trusty guide on earth,
Had never fully realized
The gutter's elevating worth.
In tearing, at that early time
(Which lacked the after-light to come),
His child from out the wholesome crime
And healthy squalor of the slum,
He scarcely grasped the fearful fall
(At which the sense in horror starts)
From these advantages to all
The acrobat's unholy arts.
His understanding failed to see
(Because his mind was so depraved)
That when at home one must be free,
And go abroad to be enslaved;
He had no notion, being thick,
That happy freedom's very roots
Are nurtured by a mother's stick,
And fostered by a father's boots.
It turned the father's care and doubt
To hopes benign and genial joys
To tell him folks were searching out
The parents of those very boys.
Paternal love is not a whim ;
I knew he grieved for what he'd done,
And was the means of causing him
To re-embrace his injured son.
The grateful father since has taught
His child the calling of its dad ;
I lent him cash, and he has bought
A little "jemmy for the lad;
I 'm confident that he will win
A name to give his parent joy.
Last night I caught him breaking in-
I'm very glad they saved the boy.

Child of Inquirng Mind.-" You MUST BE VERY OLD, BETTY."

Reform it altogether.
THE Chaplain of the Middlesex Hospital has written to the papers on behalf of a young woman
and her child, the husband having been struck down fatally by fever within a week or two of his
arrival in London with his family. By the time this appears in print we have no doubt the
public will have generously responded and given the fresh start" asked for; but what about
the fever den near the Euston Road alluded to? We should think it was time the sanitary in-
spector made "a fresh start" in that direction.

A Will-ing Villain.
A FORGER now expiating his crime in penal servitude bitterly complains that he was alwa) s
taught from his youth up he ought "to set to work with a will," but that he had scarcely conm-
menced to practically carry out the advice of his father than he found himself in a place w here he
is not allowed to have even a will of his own.

\IfL. XXXV.-NO. b7I.


JANUARY 18, 1882.



SUPPOSE as long as there is
a demand for such plays as
Taken from Life (and there
seems to be a pretty strong one
i -just now) they will be written,
t and I suppose as long as they
are written they will be styled
"new and original." The
Piece, let me say at once, is
a thorough success and that
Sis the justification of its exist-
in I ," ence. Mr. Henry Pettitt, the
S author, has felt the audience-
S' pulse with consummate acumen,
\ and gives them as much clap-
SV- trap as they can reasonably de-
sire. The Adelphi management
S" have mounted the piece to per-
.?- fection, and it is very respect-
All the necessary ingredients of a play of this class are forthcoming.
We have a mortgage, a communicative villain (with a "comic man"
"under his thumb" for "dirty work"), a will, an abducted child, a
blustering cub of a hero who is always threatening to thrash some one
"like a dog," or requesting somebody to "take a piece of advice," or
calling attention to his virtues generally (one of which is a clandestine
marriage with the sister of the man whose guest he is), or committing
some other such impudence.

Then we have the virtuous heroine (white frock and hair down all
complete,'also plain merino gown and black shawl for poverty), the
vengeful villager, with a sick wife, turned out of his cottage (wife dies,
of course), and the smart female servant; add to this the young engaged
couple always "on the snap," with a few minor characters, and we are
Except that we must have a "sensation scene "-and on this occasion
we get "within a measurable distance" of the Clerkenwell explosion.
We have the historical innocent-looking barrel (nice little bit of clap-
trap introduced here, with little child listening to the "tick-tick," and
saved, saved I by the nice, gentle, kindly user of dynamite), and a big
bang comes, and a hole in the prison wall (which we have seen twice
already), and neat slices of wall fall from the neighboring houses, supers
scream, the hero breaks prison, and the curtain descends on a really
well-managed and effective scene.
By-the-way, there were peculiarities about Clerkenwell Prison, it seems,
which rendered it high time that wall was blown down. Judging from
two separate peeps through the wall, it was the custom to bring cells
into the exercise ground for the convenience of visitors, and clear them
away for exercise-time 1
Considerable stage knowledge, experience, and study are evidenced
by the way the piece is put together, the story made steadily progressive,
and told with clear directness; but there is nothing in it a person of
ordinary intelligence might not accomplish with decent application; the
persevering course of education required to bring any one to the pitch
of calling it "new and original" must, however, be enormous.
I have never been able to regard Mr. Warner as a great actor, in
spite of many opi-
nions more valu- '
able, perhaps, than
my own, and I
think both he and A -
Miss Gerard have t
more than they
can manage in -
Taken from Life. i
Both seem to me
excellent in quiet '.
passages and little -
bits of comedy, 'I \
but their pathos is
artificial, and has
the effect of mere
Mr. Warner's
noisy rage on discovering the loss of his child strikes a false note, too,
-it is merv rage, and nothing else; there is nothing of the father's

torture or anxiety in it. The actor, however, has a pleasant, manly
presence, which carries off many defects both in himself and the parts.
Mr. Fred
Thorne gives a
very careful per- "
formance of Titus o
Knott. Mr.
Brooke plays as ,
well as anybody
in the piece as T i
the socialist. Mr.
Beveridge, who is The l
subjected to a
good deal of vul- .-i"l
gar abuse during
the piece, makes .
the most of a not
difficult part THE ADELPlI.-MAGUIRE'S APPEAL TO DF.nsy-Do as,
"the villain ;" but you WOULD BE DENBY.
Mr. Price's Den-
by is rather tame, particularly for a gentleman who is generally de.
scribed as violent-tempered-a fact that would be scarcely discoverable
without the information.
Miss Edith Bruce is duly sprightly as the inquisitive Mary Maguire,
whose queries are not to be stopped by any brusqueness of Mr. Knott's.
1 suppose she would excuse her inquisitiveness with the remark, "I 'm
Maguireing information." The lady and gentleman who play Bella
Greystone and Bob Channell respectively should practise the art of
vraisemblance; They appear to be on excellent terms with each other
until they speak, and seem, indeed, to regard the speeches set down for
them as rather vexatious interruptions to a pleasant conversation.
Two things are noticeable at the Adelphi: there is no programme of

the scenery in the play-bill, and pit and gallery tickets can be purchased
at the box office, available any night. NESTOR.

Fishes for Food,
FISH is being again put forward as the best and most nourishing food
for those who do brain-work. Not only so, but different kinds of fish
best suit certain classes of brain-workers. Thus, politicians should eat
plaice; poets sole; musical composers cods' sounds; surveyors perch;
missionaries "natives; Cambrian bards whales; and so on, each of us,
according to our calling, thus obtaining the particular "phos-for-us"
Nature intended us to have.

Absence of Mind.
THE most surprising case we have recently heard of is that of the old
seafaring gentleman who on arriving at an hotel began to unpack himself,
and only found out his mistake on arriving at the "bottom of his chest"
without coming to his boots.

A Pointed Allusion.
THE gentleman who "sat down on the spur of the moment" has since
been kicking against the pricks."


JANUARY I8, 1882. FU N 23

'T IS well to court the Comic Muse,
And build the light and lively rhyme,
For friends to smile as they peruse
My verse for just a little time.
Good souls, they greet my frolic lay,
Where'er the jovial feast be spread;
They laugh to hear me sing to-day,-
But will they laugh when I am dead ?
I love to ply the jester's art,
And hold that all the ills on earth,
When rightly viewed, may well impart
A theme for merriment and mirth.
Not over-cynical the vein
That serves to bring me daily bread;
But will the bantlings of my brain
Make any laugh when I am dead ?
Methinks 't would be a happy thing
To say Non omnis moriar,
And leave my lays for some to sing
When I am flown to realms afar.
No doubt a rival will arise
To play the songster in my stead;
But, friends, do all that in you lies,
And strive to laugh when I am dead.

A New Casus Bell-i.
THE agitators against bell-ringing in cities continues. Bell-
icose bell-igerents declare church bells should be silenced,
without even the right of a-peal against their sentence. Once
it was proper to call people to worship thus, but it was a
knell-ementary custom, and is now quite behind the age.
The passing" bell, bellow these unbellievers, ought by this
time to have "passed" altogether, and every triple bob
"major" should be forthwith placed on the retired list. This
is, in fact, an utilitarian age, and bells are out of fashion, like
the rest of the bell lettres; whilst quarter-jacks no longer
"chime" in with the popular taste. Society is likely, there-
fore, to speedily revert to the status quo ante bell-um; in
other words, will go back to a state of unem-bell-ished sim-

GARDENING ITEM.-The rolling-stock is certainly of the
railway plant order. It requires great care in being moved
-more than it generally gets.

r2 Amok

Bus-driver (to our bicycling friend Brown, who is taking his lamp to be seen
Brown.-" I BEG PARDON- "
Bus-driver.-" HIM AS DRIVES THE 9.40 ADELAIDE."
Brown.-" I-REALLY-ER- "

The following, according to the Field, is the actual state of the law, as brought into notice in connection with a recent case at the Gloucester Quarter Sessions, This
little bit of law is precisely in Mr. FUN'S line-in point of fact, it supplies him with comic copy of the truest kind, without so much as an effort at imagination on hi,
part. He has only to say that the statements in these verses, as far as the stars, are simply a paraphrase of what he found in his newspaper, without any tittle added
"out of his own head.

WHY is the law so simple ?-Pshaw I
Why don't they complicate the law ?
Too much simplicity's a kind
Of insult to a powerful mind.
FUN reads with scorning unconcealed,
A case that's mentioned in the Field,-
A little case in which we see
The simple laws of larcenee.
It seems that somebody had rent
A boiler from a tenement;
But when the owner tried to bring
To justice those who had the thing,
The sapient Law got up to say
(In Law's untangled, simple way)
That "larceny" must not be mixed
With taking anything "affixed."
" Receive" a boiler unattached,
And lo I to jail you '11 be dispatched.;
But you "receive," untouched at all,
A boiler rent from any wall 1
A boiler unattached and free
Is just a chattel, don't you see?
But in a boiler fixed, you deal,
You know, with property that's "real.'

And if, when you've detached the thing,
Some reason prompts your taking wing,
And you, upon some future day,
Return and take the thing away,
It will be needful, then, to learn
If you intended to return
When going off the former time,
Before the Law can gauge your crime.
If you did not intend, you see,
You have committed larcenee,
And changed by thought-no matter how-
That boiler to a chattel now I
But granting when you made your track
You had a thought of coming back,
The boiler then will simply be
A piece of real propertee.
And, in this case, a person who
Receives this property from you,
Will simply do, in point of fact,
An honest, gentlemanly act.
Whereas the man with whom you place
The boiler in the former case
Would be a thing the Law would try-
A criminal of deepest dye.

This is the law, as just revealed
Within the pages of the Field;
Whether with truth we're not advised,
But, oh we shouldn't be surprised.
And, by the way, we mustn't miss
An issue hanging on to this :-
The owner, say, regains the prize,
His boiler, and intestate dies;
To whom that boiler shall descend
Must necessarily depend
On thoughts that burglar chanced to frame
When first detaching of the same;
For if the burglar on that day
Designed to take the thing away,
The boiler, being real," would run
Directly to the eldest son.
But if the other case stands good,
The boiler, as a chattel, would
Be then divided into shares
Of equal size among the heirs.

vented (h)entails, the Americans cocktails.



" Oh, do let him go this once, Mr. Policeman! lie's very young,-give him another chance.'

^_ 1

"Pray don't return the blow, sir, I beg of you It is his ignorance which caused him to break your head open and rifle your pockets. Pray do not call a cruel
policeman and give him in charge I Please remain quiet and let him escape give him one more chance."

I ~ 1 h.~.---"*

-\ .~I

"Please connive at his escape, Mr. Warder; it was only a little murder, 3yo know; give him one more chance-do let him murder one more person '

F JFUN.-JANUARY 18, 1882.

f .

- N


JANUARY 1, 1882. 27

On Cetewayo s visit to England he will run some risk from small-p'x and measles."-Daily X.e's, January lo.

Affection of the heart. Consumption (of food, &c.). Sleeplessness. Softening of the brain.
S .l

I'LL tell you a funny thing as happenedd to me when I was a model-
a artist's model, you know-rare nice thing being a artist's model, I can
tell you, getting' well paid for sitting' on an easy chair, or standing doing
nothing all day, except looking grand like, and plenty to eat as well, for
these artist chaps always send us gentlemen in a good dinner, and some-
thing to drink, you know; but that has nothing to do with what I was
going to tell you.
Well, you must know that whenever an election of Academicians, or
Associates, or anything of that kind is going on, we gentlemen-models,
you know-are always waiting about to catch the name of the fortunate
fellows that get elected; and then, if we know any of them, away we
rush as 'ard as we can pelt to be the first to tell them the good news, as
that always means a 'ansome tip. You'll easily understand 'ow anxious
we are to catch the names as they 're given out.
Well, one of these times I 'ad been waiting about ever so long, and
was getting rather tired, when I heardd the name of Mr. Griffin, the
celebrated sculptor. Hurroo! says I, that's my man I You see, I'd
been sitting to Mr. Griffin for the figure of Jupiter that 'e was making.
What do you think of that, now ?-me havingg my 'ead taken off for
Jupiter? Wasn't that grand, eh? Well, that's my man, says I; and
off I started as 'ard as I could go to 'is studio down in Pimlico way;
and when I got there, bother if 'e 'adn't gone for the night, and there
wasn't no one there to answer the bell; so, after a good deal of asking
about, I found that 'e lived out at Shepherd's Bush, but nobody couldn't
tell me exactly what part, nor the name of the street; which was a little
bit awkward, wasn't it, now?
Shepherd's Bush is rather a biggish place, and a goodish step from
where I was; but I'm not a man to be knocked over by a pea-shooter,
I can tell you; so after havingg something to eat and drink, away I
started again, determined to find my man, if possible.
Well, as I 'ave just observed, Shepherd's Bush is rather a biggish place,
and I found it a bit of a puzzling where to begin; so after looking
about a bit, I thought I 'd try the oil-shops as being most likely to
know. Then I went to the bakers, then to the butchers, and so on,
until I thought I 'd asked at almost every shop in the place, but none
of them knew anything about Mr. Griffin, the artist. By this time the
shops got pretty nigh all shut up, so then I thought I'd try the public
'ouses. Now, this was rather slower work; naturally, ye know, a man
cannot go into a pub, and out of it again, as quick as 'e can a butcher's
or a baker's, so that by the time I found one that knew Mr. Griffin, I 'd
been into a dozen at least, and it was getting rather late-maybe nigh
twelve o'clock. However, when I got the address, away I went as 'ard
as I could, and soon found the house but it was all dark. Well, havingg
come so far, and 'ad so much trouble, I was not to be put off, so I gave
a loud knock, but no one answered, and this I 'ad to do two or three
times. At last a female voice cried out,-
Who's there ? and what do you want ?"
I believe Mr. Griffin, the artist, lives 'ere ? and I want to see 'im,"
said I.
"But it's far too late, and you cannot see him to-night."
"Sorry to disturb 'im, mem, but I must see 'im on most important
"Wait a minute and I'll come down." So presently the door was
opened by a lady, who wanted to know what my business was.
Well, my business is with Mr. Griffin, mem."
"But Mr. Griffin is in bed, and you cannot see him; and, as I am his
wife, you may deliver your message to me."

Well, mem, in that case, of course, it can make no manner of dif-
ference," said I; and so I told 'er what I'd come about, and you should
'ave seen 'ow the woman started and shouted out,-
"John I John get up immediately. You're a Royal Academician."
I 'ope there's no mistake, mem, but John is not the Christian name
of the gentleman I 'm seeking."
"It is John, I tell you. Certainly I ought to know what's his Christian
name, when I've been his wife for the last ten years," cried the lady in
a shrill voice.
"Well, mem, I don't mean no offence," says I, "but the gentleman
I want to see is Mr. Charles Griffin, and he's a sculptor, and 'as his
studio down Pimlico way."
"Nothing of the kind, I tell you; nothing of the kind," said the
lady, getting very excited. "His name is John Griffin, and he's an
architect, and his offices are in Finsbury Circus."
"Then, mem, I'm afraid I've- And afore I could say any more
a big man came, 'alf walking, 'alf tumbling downstairs (rubbing 'is
eyes as if 'e'd just been kicked out of bed in the middle of 'is first
sleep, and didn't know whether it was 'is own housee or not), calling
"What's the matter ? what's the matter? What is ail this confounded
noise about, eh ?"
"Why," said his anxious wife, "here's a man come to tell you that
you're an Academician, and he will insist that your name is Charles
Griffin, and that you're a sculptor; when he must know very well that
your name is John Griffin all the time, and not Charles, and you never
were a sculptor at all."
Hum I there must be some little mistake here," began the gentle-
man, rubbing his chin and looking very grave, when 'e was interrupted
by 'is wife.
"Nothing of the kind, you stupid fellow. How can there be any
mistake, when the man has come all the way to tell you that you're a
Royal Academician, and you won't believe it ?"
Ah," 'e went on, just as if 'e 'adn't been interrupted a bit; "ah,
there's evidently some mistake here. I think we had better wait and
see what the newspapers say in the morning."
Oh, bother the newspapers," cried the wife. Bother the news-
papers, say I. Why, John, you are without exception one of the
greatest stupids I ever met with. Here, when a man comes all this way
from Piccadilly and wakes you up in the dead of the night to tell you
such good news-that you are a real Royal Academician-you won't
believe it, just because he's fool enough to say that your name 's
Charles instead of John, and that you're a sculptor, when you know
well enough that you 're an architect all the time. Why, your own
mother wouldn't believe you could be such a silly."

A Church Aisle.
THE inhabitants of the Isle of Arran wish to erect another church
there. The island is only about twenty miles long and ten miles wide,
and is not densely populated. As they have already fourteen churches,
the Duke of Hamilton has refused to give a site for the proposed addi-
tional church. He considers the notion to be Arran-t nonsense.

Killing not Murder.
THIS is eminently the case in Egypt, where, if you kill a native
Egyptian, it is conveniently brought in as a case of fellah-de-se.

28 FT N TANUARY 18, 1882.

Pn '* / HEN we would getany one into a row,
W 'e are such a couple of fools !
We have in our minds an effectual
We are such a couple of fools!
We'll bite off our noses and slice off
our ears,
We '11 snip at our arms and our legs
with a shears,
Q '. Then say it was him, and he'll get
S 'JTh seven years,
-' i1"' -' We are such a couple of fools I
e, WegrieveMr. DillonandMr. Parnell,
We are such a couple of fools!
Tho' free of their city, ain't free of
their cell,
We are such a couple ot fools !
S '' We want to be virtuous, orderly, nice,
,- So, consulting the Middlesex Magis-
trates thrice,
We've crowded the streets with im-
K "_ portunate vice,
S__We are such a couple of fools !
Though theatres both of us fondly adore,
We are such a couple of fools i
Mr. Pinero's Pieces" is getting a bore,
We are such a couple of fools I
He may not have copied The Squire, it is clear,
But these are our thoughts and we places 'em here,-
"It's not that we doubt him, but isn't it queer?"
We are such a couple of fools !
We wouldn't give much for a servant girl's chance,
We are such a couple of fools !
When masters of dancing lead them such a dance,
We are such a couple of fools !
As juvenile Arabs we wouldn't be shipped,
We'd die before letting our tickets be snipped,-
And now we 'll leave off, or you 're sure to get hipped,
We are such a couple of fools I

A GOOD robbery, like a good murder, has gre !'rractions for a
certain class of newspaper readers; hence it is the i it:est of a journal,
in such cases, to pile up the agony as much as possible, so as to sustain
the interest until something fresh occurs to knock it out of the public
mind. This is how we are supplied with authentic details of affairs of
the sort :-
Monday. "GIGANTIC ROBBERY.-A gentleman's house broken
into-His wife's boudoir entered-/5oo,ooo worth of jewels stolen."
Tuesday. THE GREAT ROBBERY.-Further discoveries-Loss of
property estimated at f250,000."
Wednesday. "The Robbery at a gentleman's house.-The police
making investigations.-Loss not so large as was at first anticipated-
believed to be not exceeding 100,oo000."
Thursday. "Robbery from a gentleman's room.-The police on the
track-Latest particulars-Articles supposed to be missing found intact
-Loss now put down at from /750 to 1I,000."
Friday. "A recent Robbery.-The police have obtained a clue-
The occurrence formerly somewhat exaggerated-Loss in jewellery, &c.,
now declared to amount to only /30."
The thief who lately broke into a gentleman's house has been caught,
with all the stolen goods in his possession, consisting of a clothes-brush,
a wooden paper-knife, and a pair of Abyssinian gold solitaires-value
2s. 9d."
And the gentle public, having their attention rivetted on the Atrocious
Tragedy, find no leisure to calculate how many times two shillings and
ninepence will go into five hundred thousand pounds.

One Good Turn," &c.
THE man who "turned" an honest penny having been promptly
arrested at the instance of the Mint authorities for coining, had the
charge dismissed on his proving that there was nothing dishonest in his
act. His lathe with which the penny was turned, however, was declared

WHO shall dare say, Sir, there is nothing new under the sun, when I
myself am daily enjoying an entirely original sensation, shared, I imagine,
by no other householder in these extensive realms? You, Sir, who
already know the exquisite pleasure which is associated with sitting
under one's own vine and fig-tree (I prefer a walnut-tree myself, but the
feeling is very much the same) can to some extent enter into my new joy,
but not wholly so. No, Sir ; not until you actually keep ostriches upon
your own back premises can you fully understand with what jocund

glee it is that I now sally forth, when necessary, with a dinner-knife in
my hand, and cut the trimmings for my wife's new bonnet I
Next to being able to gather her new dresses ready-made from the
garden, I really think the above sensation is the most ecstatic a mere
mortal can expect to feel, and this very afternoon, after plucking enough
tail-feathers to adorn all my little girls, and give a handsome set to their
Aunt Mary Anne on her approaching birthday in addition, I felt so
jubilant and defiant that for awhile I was impelled to rush off to Regent
Street in order that I might snap my fingers derisively at all the leading
bonnet-shops in that thoroughfare.
Thus my New Year, as you see, opens most encouragingly, but you
must not suppose there is no cloud on the horizon. On the contrary,
there is a very black one, as big, not as a man's hand, but as a whole
man-being, in fact, the Kaffir keeper who came over in charge of the
parent ostrich birds in November last, and disappeared, as you will
remember, with the adult birds shortly after.
This Kaffir, Mujumba by name, turned up again on Boxing Night, I
much regret to state, after knocking up thirteen of my neighbours in
mistake and scandalizing the whole terrace, he being in liquor at the
time, fell down my area and indulged in such vehement Anglo-Kaffir
ejaculations that I was glad to get him to bed in the coal-cellar as soon
as possible.
The next morning this iniquitous negro had the effrontery to come up-
stairs and claim board wages from the night he ran away, and, on my
threatening to kick him out, went away muttering, and returned in two
hours, in three four-wheel cabs, with the chairman, secretary, and execu-
tive committee of the A Defence League, who, without asking
my leave, proceeded to hold a meeting in my hall, and passed a resolu-
tion (on my refusing to pay Mujumba ,5, and give 1 Is. to the funds
of the League) holding me up to public reprobation as the foe of the
helpless aborigines and the spoiler of the alien. They then each abused
me in turn, and went off in their growlers shaking their heads at me as
a very bad lot.
The secretary was quite right, though, in assuring me that I should
live to regret my heartless treatment of the ingenuous Mujumba, for every
day since has that wretched Kaffir, in company with any rascally abori-
gine he has been able to pick up, come up and made a disturbance
before my door, besides, as I believe, having designs on the young
This morning he was accompanied by a Lascar and a John Chinaman,
the latter of whom went round the terrace on the pretext of selling
tonquin beans, and told all the servants he remembered seeing me, as
a young man, a prisoner in the convict settlement at Singapore; a vile
calumny, which that unscrupulous old Mr. Pettifer at No. 18 will be sure
to turn to evil account.
The Aborigines' Defence League declare too that they will show me
up at Exeter Hall at their May Meeting, and, were it not for my young
birds' constant development, I should be very much upset. As it is,
though, I defy them and all my enemies, for-and this is in strict confi-
dence, Sir !-I have just learned from the returned colonist at No. so
that in three weeks more the healthiest bird will be fit to bear me I
Only think the sensation that awaits my first appearance on ostrich-
back in the Row !

So it Ap-"Piers."
THE dispute between the Thames Conservancy and the London Steam-
boat Company ought to be quickly settled, and without litigation. Both
sides can of course demand the judgment of their "Piers."

Mersey on Us!
THERE were ninety fewer ships arrived in the Mersey last year than
in 188O. The difference is not astonishing. Such statistics are necessarily
"vessel-ating in their character.

THREE men have been fined for what is known in the poultry trade as
dubbing fowls, which consists in cutting off the combs and wattles
of the, cock birds. As this piece of cruelty arises from the rules of the
poultry societies, the officials connected therewith are the real culprits.
We should have no hesitation in dubbing" them-cruel brutes.

HOUSES.-A working-men's "club."

JANUARY 18, 1882.

VEIL your face, Titus, clothe
Yourself in shame, for this disgrace of mine ;
Oh, goody Caesar, loathe
The rake who counts one day without a line.
A day of no account,
And whose account would bankers' clerks appal,
Whose incidents amount
Only to rest and happiness-that's all.
A day you'd say was not;
A day of dreams, and dumbness, and delight;
A day without a dot,
Without a line, to recollect all night !
It came to pass, somehow,
As crimes will in this world's disgusting state,
For which your noble brow
Was far too high, my moral potentate.
It came to pass that I,-
I, the galled galley-slave of pen and ink,-
Could not write, wouldn't try;
Couldn't make copy,-better, wouldn't think.
Nor thoughts that bring in pence,
Nor thoughts that bring in pride to one's poor skull;
I wasn't e'en intense,-
Only superbly, beautifully dull!
It wasn't nightingales,
It wasn't roses, and it wasn't love,-
Love, faugh! MS. in bales
Bulge from the coats where laid a woman's glove.
It was no burning care
For progress, or for freedom, or for right,
Nor such care's fruit-despair ;
It was divine stagnation and delight.
And, ah I how it was kind,
That wicked day, sterile and desolate,
With inkless hands and mind,
Delivered wholly from its paper-weight I
So, do your worst or best,
0 model Caesar, whose mild spirit pines
For work,-here's my request :
Give me the holiday without the lines.

Mare! Mare, quite Contrary!
THE boy who translated "trans mare," "across a horse,"
now "seas" the meaning of "mare more clearly.

- PUN.




Literary Somnambulism.
IN a recently published letter respecting the resemblance of the plot
of The Squire to that of the novel Far from the Madding Crowd," Mr.
Comyns Carr suggested that perhaps Mr. Pinero was a literary somnam-
bulist who unconsciously appropriated ideas evolved from the brains of
others. This curious suggestion set Mr. FUN a-thinking as to whether
such a thing could be possible with anybody at all, and then whether it
could be possible with Mr. Pinero, and then-if so-whether it could be
possible with every one else, not even excepting his noble self.
"Dear me I" said he, after a troubled reverie; "can it by some ex-
traordinary chance have happened that I, whom the wiser part of the
world regard as the very fountain of wit and humour,-that I have after
all been only delighting my friends with brilliant sayings unconsciously
filched from their genuine authors? Oh, horrible, too horrible, quite
too-too horrible!"
Impressed by this disturbing notion, and determined to sift the matter
thoroughly, Mr. FUN closely cross-examined all those friends or ac-
quaintances who knew him best, and was hugely relieved to find that
none had ever heard of or seen him walking in his sleep, or reading in
his sleep, or writing in his sleep, or doing anything whatsoever that
would justify any one calling him a literary somnambulist.
Then Mr. FUN took to skimming the works of sundry modern authors,
to see if such a charge might be substantiated against them. But after
running through a dozen plays and a score or so of novels, he suddenly
"' Why, all the best things in these writings I 've heard before. In
fact, now I come to think of it, I've said them all myself. Look

through my own volumes; you may have to go back ten or even fifteen
years, but you 're pretty sure at last to discover the origin of these fine
bits. Yet what more natural than that latter-day dramatists and
novelists should draw on me for their inspirations-at only a penny a
week, too I 've a precious good mind to raise my price."
And Mr. FUN came to the conclusion that, in addition to his large
and recognized circle of readers, there must also be a considerable
number of literary persons who do him the honour to peruse his pages
during their hours of slumber.

Deed Amusing.
DURING the hearing of a case at the Clerkenwell Police Court on
Saturday the 7th, when a lodging-house keeper charged a lodger with
stealing two pawn tickets, a witness created some amusement by ad-
mitting that she had received "a mortgage deed" from the prisoner
relating to a diamond ring in pledge for /2. The idea of laughing at
the lady! We only wish the name of our unknown benefactress had
transpired, and we would have helped to hand her name down to poste-
rity. The individual who could invent such an ingenious term is no
ordinary person; we should say she has done some "spouting" in her
time, but henceforth we shall hear of nothing so vulgar. Never again
shall we speak of going to our "uncle's," it aunt allowed, nor allude to
popping round the corner. The language of the future will speak of
effecting a mortgage upon-the family flat iron.

A "PAS DE DEUX."-The father of twins.

M'r To CORRIESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or par for Contributions. In no case will they be el'urned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

Gent (addressing Servant).-" PRAY, HAVE YOU A FIRST-CLASS TICKET?"

THE right of railway companies to clip the tickets of passengers is
being stoutly contested. A barrister has had to pay 41s. for resisting,
and a doctor has been fined 2 and i i9s. costs for the same thing.
The point seems to be whether the companies have right to take a piece,
but the magistrates evidently think that assaulting the companies' ser-
vants is not the way to keep the peace.
A pathetic letter appears in last Wednesday's Teleeraph from "An
Old Clown," deploring the decay of pantomime, the result, he says, of
the great length of the openings to this kind of entertainment. The
Old Clown, who must be the age of Mathewselah, forgets that instead
of being less of pantomime than formerly, there is more, only it occurs
in pieces called farcical comedies," they now are full of Clowning."
William Thompson, a man of colour, described as a "fire-eater," has
been fined fixe shillings for creating a disturbance in the streets. He
collected a crowd by putting lighted lucifer matches into his mouth,
and when toll to move on made use of such bad language that he was
locked up. It seems, therefore, that his offence was not what he put
into his mouth, but what came out of it.

How TO MAKE CHICKEN SALAD.-Out of "heny"-thing.

Price One Shilling; post-free, IS. 2a,.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
"'Dick Boulin' is entirely free from vulgarity, or fromeaught that can be said to be
objectionable."-Public Ointo71.
'The book opens with a capital sketch of coach travelling as it was some five-and.
twenty or thirty years ago. "-Pictorial World.
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."-Reynalds's.

The Latest Addition to the Round Table Series,

May now be had at all Booksellers'. PRICE ONE SHILLING.

-Cocoa thickens n COCOA
Sold IU I the cop, it proves
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London : Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, HiAlh Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
j.,. iJ. January iSth, 1882.

11 cost a

94 1 7"Fle


JANUARY 25, 1882.


Hard Lines.
"DEAR SPOONER,-Please to understand
Some alteration have I will;
Your copy comes so late to hand
You keep the presses standing still.
A. hundred times I've had to speak,-
This makes a hundred times and one;
Your copy for the coming week
Will please be here to-morrow,-FUN."

"DEAR MR. FUN,-I will concede
You have some grounds for so complaining;
My copy does come late indeed,-
But then it's very entertaining.
Again, my dilatoriness,
Of which you are so fond of speaking,
As when I 've shown you you'll confess-
Is not my own peculiar' seeking.
"You say, and firmly, 'please to send
Your copy to me by to-morrow :'
I ask you, how can verse be penn'd
When baby's racked by wind and sorrow ?
' How can I promise this shall reach
In time to obviate 'half-timing '?-
I ask you, is the infant screech
Conducive, as a rule, to rhyming ?
"You say a hundred times and one
You've hinted I 'm a laggard. Truly !
But walls are thin, and, Mr. FUN,
The next door children are unruly;
Can prose be writ to time, perforce,
No matter when I may begin it,
If on the stairs they're playing horse,'
With screams and tumbles ev'ry minute ?
"You say that I must alter, then,
And stick to this like any lichen :
Could you, Sir, write to order when
The slavey will sing in the kitchen ?
I 'd tell her not to, but she'd cry,
Give warning, and go home to mother';
And when you lose one slavey, why,
You know not when you '11 get another.
"Could you, Sir, write amid the strum
Of next door's-left's-pianoforte,
Or opposite's harmonium
(They're playing now A che la more) ?
A bicyclist lives at the back-
You want my copy sent in sooner-
He blows the bugle till he's black ;

Song of the Petitioners for the
Release of the Bribery Prisoners.
AIR-" Drink to her who long."
WINK at those who long
Escaped the public eye;
The patriotic throng
Whom gold could ever buy I
Oh, voters' hearts were made
For agents' hands alone,
By other fingers played
They yield no silver tone;
Then wink at those who long, &c.

For many a treasured place
When WEALTH and WORTH would stand,
WORTH came with open face,
But WEALTH with open hand I
To charm with golden thought
And manly speech WORTH tried;
But WEALTH the real gold brought,
And won them to his side I
So wink at those who long
Escaped the public eye,
The patriotic throng
Whom gold could ever buy I


AN influential meeting has been held in London on the subject of the Opium Trade, when Sir
Rutherford Alcock, who is opposed to its suppression, read an able paper. The only argument
in its favour, however, seems to be that it is remunerative to the Government, and that if we did
not engage in it some other nation would. That it will be continued is a moral certainty, though
where the morality comes in it is difficult to determine.
An old man named Abraham Ridge has been sentenced to three weeks' hard labour for begging.
It appears the old offender owns a shop in Fleet Lane, which his daughter manages while he gets
drunk, and when unable to get any money from her for drink he begs. Considering he has not
been sober for three years, he is literally a "beggar for drink."

VOL. XXXV.-NO. 872.

- -

2J TFUN. JANUARY 25, 1882.


EVERYTHING, Sir, not even excepting ostrich farming at its most
critical stage of development, should give way to one's duty to one's
country, and as soon as I quite understood that you wished me to find
out what M. Gambetta really meant about this oft-delayed Commercial
Treaty, I allowed no private business of mine to stand in the way, as
that ill-advised young ostrich who tried to block up the passage as I was
proceeding to my cab found out to its sorrow when I somewhat roughly
charged it with my umbrella and cleared it from my path.
I completed my plan of operations whilst en route to Paris, and was
thus able on the morning following my arrival to proceed without hesi-
tation to M. Gambetta's official residence in the Rue de Bac-(Anglica
back street, of course), where I was quickly asked what my business was.
In reply, however, I handed in a card I had specially prepared with a
view to dissembling, bearing on its face this romantic legend,-


Electeur de Chelsea.

Within less than three minutes of presenting this curious credential, I
was ushered, all muffled up as I was, into the French Premier's presence,
and found him intently studying my prepared pasteboard.
"Mon cher Sir Charles," he exclaimed, as he advanced eagerly to
meet me, "this is an unexpected pleasure I But why this mystery?
What-why-why, mafoi!" he added, hurriedly, as I turned down my
collar and removed my hair from my eyes, "why, you are not Sir
Charles at all I Sacrd nomme d'une pipe, Monsieur, who are you? "
"'' Calm yourself, sir, I beg," I returned, I am not Sir Charles Dilke,
as you very truly observe. Nor did I claim to be that distinguished
baronet. My name is Bart, Monsieur Gambetta, Cornelius D. Bart,
of the Rue du Roi, Chelsea, London, S.W., and I am very proud to
know you," I added, advancing and seizing the fiery Gascon's hand.
"Monsieur, this is insufferable," exclaimed Gambetta, dancing about
the carpet. You shall be turned out instantly into the street, sir "
"Into the street!" I echoed. "No, no I You would Rue that,
Monsieur L6on, believe me I" and I looked at him with such an irre-
sistible twinkle in my eye that he vainly tried to still look angry.
"Come, come," I went on, "let me explain. I employed an artifice
to gain admission to your presence, I admit, but it was for no mere
personal end; I am come here, Monsieur Gambetta," I continued,
striking a dramatic Caesar-addressing-the-Senate sort of attitude, "on
behalf of a mighty London periodical named Le FUN-in other words,
on behalf of the united peoples of Great Britain and Ireland."
Out!" exclaimed the French Premier eagerly.
"Just so," I went on. "J'y suis! et, with your permission, Mon-
sieur, jfy rest, at any rate, for a little while !" and I took an easy chair.
My inimitable sang-froid had conquered. M. Gambetta positively
beamed at me as he asked, "And what do you really want?"
"What do I want?" I returned. Why, I want to know, on behalf
of thirty-seven millions of people, what is your little game ? Why don't
you make this Commercial Treaty with us, eh ? "
Instead of replying, M. Gambetta rose, went to the door, opened it
suddenly, and with one well-planted kick sent the Monsieur who was
listening at the keyhole into the apartment opposite. Then he shut it,
looked out of both windows, examined a large cupboard, and whispered
to me, What I tell you is for publication in England only, remember I"
"Just so," said I.
"Well, you can say," observed M. Gambetta, "that I am playing a
very difficult game over here just now, and I can't afford to risk a single
trump card yet. I am ready enough to siqn," he added, with a look of
expressive sagacity, "but I don't want to re-sign. Comprennez vous ? "
"Parfaitemen!" I ejaculated. "Then it will be all right in the end
I may tell them, eh ? "
Most certainly 1 he replied,
"And we shall be 'Treatied' with as much favour as before?" I
guessed, with a smile.
"With more," he answered.
And there'll be no hitch about woollens ?"
Stuff I" exclaimed Leon.
"No, nor about stuff either, I hope," I retorted.
There, go along with you he cried, "Dilke has arranged every-
thing, and you can tell your people in FUN I am their friend, after all."
I will tell it them in FUN and in earnest too," I exclaimed, pressing
the great statesman's hand. And so we parted.
So you see, Sir, our readers may, after all, safely reckon on cheap
claret and two-shilling kids as before. It's only a question of time.


Town v. Country Magistrates.
WE do not know where Longton is, but it seems to be a place where
the ruffian can revel at a remarkably cheap rate. In bold bad London,
if, as happened a few weeks ago, a gentleman of cheerful disposition and
light heart, full of animal and ardent spirits, takes it into his head to
playfully tap a custodian of the peace, who differs in opinion with him,
gently on the nose, he is promptly run in, and next day receives a severe
sentence of imprisonment, though no great harm may have been done.
It will be remembered that in the case we speak of the "gentleman
frivolist's" sentence was subsequently altered to the trifling fine of 20;
at all events, the G.F. will remember it for some time. But how dif-
ferent in the country what rural sport can be indulged in, if you only
know the way to go about it Now, in Longton you can strip your own
child naked, fasten his feet together, place a strap round his poor little
shoulders tightly, and try to force him down filthy drain-pipes, 12 inches
in diameter only, till his howls and shrieks of tenor and pain bring
some idiot without any sense of humour to his rescue ; all this can be
done for the moderate fine of 5s.-less than the price of a stall at the
theatre; why, it's enough to make even an Irishman's mouth water.
Of course one could not expect the Longton magistrates to think the
conduct of Mr. Levy Booth, the perpetrator of this pleasant wheeze,
brutal; he being a barber by trade, it is only proper that barbarous con-
duct on his part should be ignored by the Bench. It is to be most
sincerely hoped, though, when in business he is engaged in removing a
magisterial beard or clipping judicial head, his frolicsome nature won't
assert itself, and a slaughtered or an earless magistrate or two be found
in Longton ; we shouldn't like to lose any of these wiseacres, or hear of
them being injured in any way, dear old souls !


JANUARY 25, 1882. FU N 33

It so happened that all the physicians, nurses, and other officers at that Hospital were out for the day, and Sairey Hann, aged ten, was the only official left in charge.
"And the first thing was, where was she to look for them medsuns? They mostly kep 'em in the dust'ole, but sometimes they put 'em up the chimley."

//y0 1, I A
.7 .K .\\,...

And then she lugged 'im out and sat 'im in front et a stove, between four open winders, while she unitedd hout the medsuns; and she found the c'rect packet at
ast-that 'un labelled 'Proossic acid '-and give 'im a good round dose, an' let 'im go." But it so happened that it was only granulated magnesia that had got into
the Prussic acid packet; so, as there did not happen to be anything particular the matter nith that patient, he only went away iith a regular wholesale cold-which
was quite a stroke of luck for that Hospital, and got it's name up !

3)t F1


Having sung the verses given last week, we slowly and reluctantly retire towards
thl "wing," as though to "go off;" the intelligent public, perceiving by our manner
that we have more to say, applaud vociferously. With smiling faces we return to the
front, and continue our vocalization as follows:-
A FAD we display may occasion surprise,
We are such a couple of fools 1
We don't want to go and be doctored at Guy's,
We are such a couple of fools I
When death throws out threats we want some one betwixt,
And when we are ill we would rather be fixed
Where poisons and medicines aren't so "mixed,"
We are such a couple of fools !
And we'd rather not go where they '11 keep us for days,
We are such a couple of fools I
In a state of disease that the students may gaze,
We are such a couple of fools !
And, so to our imbecile notions we cling,
That little relief to our minds it can bring
To learn that "it's only the regular thing,"
We are such a couple of fools I
For kindness we don't think you'll easily beat,
We are such a couple of fools I
Mr. London News Ingram's great pantomime treat,
We are such a couple of fools I
lie does a good deed who so brightly contrives
To lighten the dulness of poor little lives ;
We 'd rather do that than be richer than Dives,
We are such a couple of fools I
The Salvation Army 's eccentric, we own,
We are such a couple of fools!
But when blackguardly scum will not leave them alone,
We are such a couple of fools !
To protect them we hold is authority's place,
And the way they behaved in that dastardly case
At Sheffield, we think is a simple disgrace,
We are such a couple of fools !
We think of blows up on Her Majesty's ships,
We are such a couple of fools I
And smiles of derision arise to our lips,
We are such a couple of fools !
And, though they are quickly replaced by a sigh,
The notions, we think, of the Admiralty
Concerning a "siccative," seem rather "dry,"
We are such a couple of fools!

A Spirited Refusal.
THE other day the Lord Mayor received a deputation on the subject
of Licensing Reform, but refused to grant the use of the Egyptian Hall
for a meeting on the subject, stating that opinion on the matter could be
obtained at the London Tavtrn or the Cannon Street Hotel. His lord-
ship has evidently a good idea of the eternal fitness of some things, when
he considers a tavern or hole! the proper place to discuss thispublic ques-

A NON-LITIGANT POPULATION.-The people who live in Concord



WHEN the sun rose everything was going wrong.
In the most evil part of Ireland a Court was sitting; probable mur-
derers were being tried before twelve possible ditto. The judge hope-
lessly charged the twelve possible ditto, and these promptly shouted
"not guilty" before he had time to get in the full stop at the end of
his remarks.
The judge groaned, and gave it up.
At that instant a Commanding Figure arose from the body of the Court,
and motioned the judge to vacate his seat. The judge looked in his
eye, bowed meekly, and withdrew; and, amid awestricken silence, the
Commanding One took the seat, and said,-
An amusing game, no doubt. Let it cease. The jury can retire-
to the dock. The prisoner is guilty of murder-off with him to execu-
tion. The twelve gentlemen from the-jury-box are guilty of connivance
at murder-off with them to penal servitude. Call the other prisoners
-and a jury for each."
When the sun set, Ireland had come to its senses; and, the mur-
derers having been executed, the population was not in excess of the
available space and supplies.
At the Royal Mantrap Theatre everything was inflammable; there
was one narrow exit; all the gangways were entirely blocked with
chairs. The Lord Chamberlain was mildly protesting, with many
smiles and much gentle counsel, and the manager was bowing, and
acquiescingly doing nothing whatever in the way of precautions.
Then a Commanding Figure bonneted the Lord Chamberlain, and
stepped upon the stage. "Manager," said the Commanding One,
"your licence is revoked until the theatre is rendered perfectly safe.
Shut it up. Destroy all this inflammable scenery. Good. Now set to
work at plans for safety, and submit them to me."
When the sun set, the London public were in a fair way of shortly
being able to attend the theatre unroasted.

At the Blunder Alley Police Court the law and the magistrate were
leading one another wrong and making a muddle of it between them as
"Stolen a bun?" said the magistrate, "twenty-one days with hard;
intimidated a non-unionist ? three days' imprisonment; run up a house,
which fell down? five pounds fine; sold putrid meat? ten pounds fine;
placed an obstacle on the railway? forty shillings; tortured a horse to
death? one pound."
A Commanding Figure arose in the Court, took the magistrate gently
by the back and dropped him into the dusthole, and placed the present
laws on the fire; then the Commanding One spoke :-
"Stolen a bun ? discharged; intimidated a non-unionist? three months
with hard ; run up a house, which fell down? seven years penal; sold
putrid meat? twenty-one years penal; placed an obstacle on the railway.
line? death; tortured a horse to death? death."
When the sun set, the more horrible and inexcusable forms of crime,
those without temptation, had died out.
A deputation was waiting upon the Home Secretary to impress upon
him the necessity of suppressing the liquor traffic, shutting all places of
amusement on Sunday, stopping the harmless enjoyment of all persons
not of precisely the same tastes as the deputation, and tyrannizing over
every one except themselves.
Then a Majestic Figure was seen standing by the side of the Home
Secretary; the Majestic spoke :-
Oblige me by getting the House to pass this little Bill. It provides
for the closing of all wells and every other water supply for drinking
purposes, compelling everybody to keep out of their homes during the
whole of Sunday, and generally incommoding egotistical and meddling
persons." The Home Secretary bowed and obeyed.
When the sun went down, the liquor abolishing Sunday recreation
crushing confraternity of meddling hobby-riders were extinct.
That evening, in his magnificent palace in Fleet Street-the palace
which has in its imposing front the great white lamp, inscribed with the
word "FUN," as an invitation to the faithful-reclined on a costly
ottoman the Caliph Haroun Alraschid the Second, surnamed "FUN."
Before him grovelled the Office Boy.
"Your Majesty has done a good day's work ?" he inquired, "Ex-
cellent!" replied the Potent One. "I have descended among my people,
and, mixing among them incognito, redressed much wrong. Ireland is
restored to its senses; the play no longer signifies Death by Torture;
the Law of Upsidedown is no more; meddling Egotism is dead."
"Strange, too," replied the Office Boy, "that they did not think of
these things long before Thy slave did I "

A KIN' o' EXPLANATION.-" Try Kino is not the singular of trichinee.

FU-JN .-JANUARY 25, 1882.





ii ~J~,ii I Ii 1


\\\ \Tv~~



7,-J ---21/ Amrl- 1

J NUARY 25 I882


The Shadow of a Name.
I CERTAINLY am a sadder,
If I 'm not a wiser man ;
I fancied I could have had her-
Which I could not do, nor can :
r is sad to have been so foolish,
And let her imflame my heart,
But now it is getting coolish,
Because we 're obliged to part.
If I had been "made of money "
It might have not been the same I
Gold always makes life look sunny,
And gilds any common name.
She might have got over PETER,
If written in precious stones
On a golden locket from Streeter-
But couldn't get over JONES I
My poverty may distress me,
But "Peter" 's a constant ban !
No woman will ever bless me,
And make me "a happy man."
They won't accept ring or locket,
Or me! so it is not strange
That in heart, and name, and pocket
I 'm constantly wanting change !

Pauper Returns.
THE career of a pauper in the Strood Union goes far to upset
the theory that the poor are so averse to the workhouse that
they prefer death. Ten months ago this beauty was left a
legacy of s,oo6, which he squandered in that short space,
publicly boasting that he did not care how soon he became
penniless, as the authorities were bound to take him back.
When he had money, there's no doubt he lived "freely;" but
the worst of it is that by living now at the country's expense,
the scoundrel will still be living "freely."

Verbum Sap.
A CABDRIVER has been fined 40s. and costs for running
down a policeman." We think nothing of doing that; in
fact, we might go as far as saying that, if they deserved it, we
should "run down" the Royal Family themselves.

REN T- AL (L).

"Sohidified Wine and Brandy.-An Italian has invented a process for
.solidifying wine. I may add that a chemist has found a chemical combi-
nation by which he can solidify and even crystallize brandy."-Daily Pajer.

The Antiquary (Elliot Stock) begins its new vol. with "new features."
Its old features were very good, and are to be retained, though they put
a new face upon it. The Bibliographer bears a strong resemblance to
his elder brother, 7he Antiquary, their features being much alike-"the
same with a difference." They might almost be taken for twins of an
ancient race, as they come from the excellent "Elliot Stock."
Alacmillan. The interest of the present number is enhanced by an
article on "John Morley's Life of Richard Cobden," and the third and
last part of Carlyle's Edinburgh Life," by Professor David Masson.
Ward and Lock's Illustrated History of the World." The present
number deals with the Grecian world-and is decidedly Greek" for
all. Their Amateur Work is likely to achieve its aim as a guidance
to "self-helpers."
7he Lasure Hour, Sunday at Home, Boy's Own Paper, Girl's Own
Paper, &c., are well up to their average.
Household Words has its usual attractiveness, and a fascinating frontis-
piece in colours, Pussy," by J. F. Herring. Cats have often done
for fish, but here it is the Herring has done for "Pussy."
Night and Day laudably pursues its laudable purposes.
The Publisher's Circular (Sampson Low). The "Circular's" annual
analysis of the number of books issued during the year 1881 is a squarely
prepared tabular statement got from all around-an all a-"Round
Table" annual, in fact.
The Gardener's Chronicle Almanac is a sheet calendar with flower
border printed in colours, and mounted suitably for hanging against a
wall-but not the "garden wall."
Le Follet.-The fashions of the day-and by the month.
"' Murray's Complete London Time Tables, "-so simply arranged as
to be a friend and a guide to either the philosopher or the f-1.
The Pantomimes and All About Them," by Leopold Wagner (John
Heywood).-The author is evidently thoroughly up in his subject, and
has converted a great deal of curious information into a truly interesting
book for all who are interested-and who is not ?-in pantomimes.

40 FU N JANUARY 25, 1882.

CROBATIC and pantomimic feats introduced into
a modern story form dramatic fare of a highly
amusing kind from the incongruity of the ele-
ments; the fun will be uproarious and farcical,
of course, but fun there will be, hearty and
genuine. Two things are, however, necessary,
-the story must be coherent, and the eccentri-
cities must arise in a more or less natural manner
from, it.

In AMacfarlane's Will at the Imperial the pan-
tomimists have it pretty nearly all their own way,
and the story is reduced to vanishing-point. As
a natural consequence, the fun of incongruity is
lost and the pantomime becomes purposeless,
neatly done as it is, and comical as much of it is
S (hough a good deal of it is reducible to incon-
gruous slaps on the head and unexpectedly sit-
ting down with emphasis)- three acts of mere
pantomime begins to get dull about the middle
of the second act.

Mr. F. Desmond, who really is very funny,
seems to be the funniest of the lot, from the fact
of his costume suggesting nothing but an ordi-
nary every-day sort of footman, whom you might
expect to meet anywhere (so that his antics par-
take of the unexpected), and in the second act
THE IMPERIAL.-TRY. the various slaps, leaps, tumbles, and tricks are
ING TO MAKE HIM both interesting and diverting, because they are
"GO DOWN." directed to a distinct and intelligible end-the dis-
covery of the will. The adoption of extravagant opera-bouffeish cos-
tumes, such as those in which the musicians appear in the last act, defeats
its own end: it as-
serts a predetermi- .
nation to be comic, )
and it requires an .
enormous amount s
of comicality to
bear out such an as- 1 l
section. G M

There are several X
ladies and gentle- d
men of ability hid-
ing their lights under
bushels in the piece,
and doing so much k
looking on" at
the acrobatic contin- THE I EERTAL.-AcousT-(ST)I'.
gent that it seems
rather an oversight that they are not supplied with programmes.
Under these conditions Messrs. Alfred Nelson, H. G. Dolby, Misses

.............. ....-I..-

'I- -


T. Lavis, Alice Ingram, and Kate Lee cannot be expected to shine very
brilliantly-and they don't.


excellence of the acting, much to a curious kind of interest which is
thrown over a rather ordinary and not unfamiliar sort of plot by Mr.
Merivale's avowed intention of giving something like the old legend of
Faust in a modern guise. The parallel is carried through with consider-
able ingenuity in many points, though not so successfully in others.

Daisy (which, as a name, is a sufficiently good parallel for Marguerite)
is, for instance, scarcely so innocent a character as her prototype; and
the ubiquity which was natural enough in the original Mephistopheles,
in the case of his modern representative is dangerously near the borders
of the absurd, as well as being rather suggestive of the use of keyholes.
"You have all been puppets in my hands," declares this individual at
one point--he is certainly one in Mr. Merivale's hands. On the other
hand, the rejuvenescence of Faust (or Faucit), the endowing him with
riches, the calling up of Marguerite (so kind of Daisy to turn up just at
that particular point of the conversation !), and the general tenour of the
Garden Scene are all reproduced with cleverness and plausibility. There
is some delicacy shown, too, in the "shadowing of the struggle between
good and evil spirits of the original in causing the events of the last act
to take place on Christmas Day-with its "peace on earth."

Of itself, the story of the piece is interesting enough, if not particularly
new (though the motives of some of the characters are weak enough),
and the dia-
logue, exceptfor (/
a childish pun, '-
and some of ,
Lestrange's di- "
dactic speeches, I
displays some
really brilliant
The third act .-
is too long,

The part of
Old Nick -I
mean the Sin-
Nick-no no I
the Cynic-fits
Mr. Vezin like
a glove; his
firm, incisive .
style is admir- --.'
ably adapted to -
the enuncia-
cruelties and
sardonic humour, and he has made a very finished study of the part.
Mr. Arthur Dacre's Guy Faucit abounds in the art which conceals
itself, and Miss Litton displays a sustained strength and delicate ap-

By the way, the piece is about a will-Macfarlane's-but what about
it I don't know.

The Cynic, at the Globe, appears destined for a lengthy and pros-
perous career; much of this happy result is due, I should say, to the

3, 0.!


JANUARY 25, 1882. F U N 41

preciation in the difficult scene at the end of the third act which she
has never excelled. Miss Louise Willes plays well in an unattractive
part, Lady
S 'I Loose scum-
// bother the
E G, Luscombe; Mr.
t EHamilton is a
Cheery Hon.
) Jem Gosling,
and Mr. ]Philip
Beck a judicious
Captain Fair-
X6 field.

Messrs. A.
Wood, David
Fisher, Sen.,
Mr. Selten,
A and Mr. Gardi-
ner play minor
h h parts with ef-
fect, and Miss
Goldney quite
"Ah, understands the
COATES. Emily Chal-
loner (after-
wards Lady Coates). Miss Meredith is rather artificial. The scenic
artist-I maysay the Cynic artist-has done his work well; the Rook's
Nest and the church and village of Mould-on-the-Moss are two beautiful
transcripts of nature under different aspects. NESTOR.

AN old and decrepit dog, who had in times past served his master
well in the chase, had the misfortune to incur the anger of the latter,
who in a hasty moment shot at him, and missed him.
The huntsman was thereupon seized with the most melancholy re.
Ah, unhappy man I" he cried, "in whom this act forebodes well
for the coming partridges; for he who will aim wide of a hound hath,
in sooth, small chance of hitting a bird."
He then shot at him again, and killed him,
Chastisement delayed is worse than sowing sweet peas in December;
so that he who seeks to correct his friend, and cannot find him, should
lose no time in searching, but proceed to administer blows to another.

A CHIMNEYPOT grew so proud of its elevated position that it could
not forbear addressing the fire on the hearth below in the following
strain :-
Thou poor dependent on the will of others, who wouldst shoulder
and die did not my lungs lend thy breath passage to that higher world
in which I stand eminent."
"Nay, old stiff-spine," answered the other, "it is my mercy alone
that permits thy existence, for I have only to add flame to the smoke
which I condescend to exhale through thy filthy pipe to reduce thee to
something less than annihilation." Thus speaking, he began to verify
his words, and the chimney was soon set a-blazing.
A sweep, who happened to be on the roof, and to have overheard
the controversy, thus addressed the malcontents :-
"0 unmetaphysical misanthropists in the boundless ocean of inanity,
know that all secondary and submissive objects have their prototype in
man, who alone is capable of decided action." He thereupon threw some
water, which he had with him, on the fire, which immediately went out
for a walk, and entered the chimney for the purpose of cleansing it.
Here, however, he stuck, and finally could only be released after a long
interval by the process of being taken down with and inside the flue.
The man who smokes his pipe bottom upwards to keep out the rain
must not be surprised if thereby the tobacco falls out, for so it is ordained
that reversed systems entail reversed fortunes; and he who steals an
egg to throw in a neighbour's face had much better have bought it to
shovel down his own throat.

A "Fetch and Carry" Ship.
THE newest man-of-war is to be called the Caroline. She is not to
be a Caroline-o'-battle ship, however, but merely a composite sloop.

LET'S sing a song of skilfulness in managing
And how the Railway Companies abolished all
their cares;
Let 's carol, gentle reader; let us chirp of no-
thing less
Than the plan, its execution, and its wonderful'
The companies, deciding-as they'd often thought
That educating signalmen is nothing but a bore,
Decided on a singularly admirable scheme
For banishing the habit and its worry, like a dream.
They settled on employing, with acuteness seldom known,
A joint and mutual signalman whom nobody should own,
To find his sphere of labour on a certain piece of line
Whose connection with the companies you could t well define.
So, having bought the signalman, according to design,
They simply went and placed him in a box beside the line,
And shirked responsibility and worry's weighty load
By not so much as teaching him a word about the "code."

They told him to amuse himself; the box was pretty full
Of bells for him to play upon, and levers he could pull;
They never told him which of them was right, and which was wrong,
But left him, and forgot him. Then they sent the trains along
The mind within that signalman incessantly was strained
In working out the question as to whom he appertained;
And he felt a very crushing and uncomfortable blow
On hearing both the companies declare they didn't know.
The heart within that signalman went down like any stone,
Because he felt so fatherless, neglected, and alone;
He went to both the companies, with tears within his eye,
To beg of them to notice him. They never would reply.
For both those happy companies were proud of their design;
They'd not a bit of trouble with that section of the line;
Delivered from anxiety, uneasiness, and right,
They ate their meals with relish, and they went to sleep at night.
The signalman got weary-for his heart was very full-
And sickened of the levers that were there for him to pull;
He 'd sit and ponder wearily for long unbroken spells,
And quite ignore his semaphore and tinkly little bells.
He thought of other signalmen the companies possessed,
Indulged with little niceties, and noticed and caressed,
And wondered when the time would come when he would also be
Acknowledged by the company, and sit upon its knee.
His kindly fellow-signalmen would think of him at times,
And send along, to comfort him, a set of little chimes;
Or gaily work his semaphore, intending to console-
Would work it like the little wooden monkey on the pole.
At times he'd sit and wonder, in his melancholy way,
Would wonder what the semaphore intended to convey,
And whether any purpose in a crimson glimmer dwells,
Or try to put a meaning to the tinkly little bells.
He desperately struggled-but the struggle was in vain-
Against a growing fancy he began to entertain-
(The potency of brooding on a solitary mind !)-
That they must possess a meaning of a queer and hidden kind.
He toddled to the companies to get them to ex-
And told them of the fancies that were seething
in his brain;
They told him he must rouse himself, and really
try to quell
Such idle superstitions ; and perhaps he wasn't
At last he got so wretched-(which you only can
In one who is the victim of unqualified neglect)-
That he left the weary levers which he loathed to that degree,
And the bells, and flags, and semaphores, and ran away to sea.

O To. CORRESPONDENTS.- The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will thiev be returned unless
accompanied by a stamnied and directed envelope.

42 FUN. _ANUARY 25, 1882




A Radical Cure for both Conservatives, Liberals,
and Everybody in fact.
"SORELY defeated but not conquered," sighed Hubert Ergmont.
Polished and persuasive, he had sought Maude Dundas, only to be re-
fused ; the truth is, he had twanged his light catarrh every night for
three weeks under her bed-room window, while singing of his ardent
love, till Maude thought his cold must be chronic, and visions of a
consumptive husband induced the beautiful blonde to reject him,
Hubert having discovered the adorable girl's reason, immediately
pawned his opera glasses, for he was poor, though of noble birth, while
Maude's wealth was too too almost. Having procured four shillings
and sixpence, he invested the filthy lucre in a bottle of Sanford's
radical cure for catarrh, which instantly cured him. He promptly
married Maude, and they send Mr. Sanford a turkey regularly every

A "Signy" qua non!
QUEEN RANAVALOMANJAKA, of Madagascar, we are informed, has
signed the pledge. We are not at all surprised to hear it ; in fact,
we could imagine this monarch signing anything rather than her name !

Price One Shilling; post-free, Is. 2a.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
Dick Boulin' is entirely free from vulgarity, or from aught that can be said to be
objectionable "-Public Opinion.
The book opens with a capital sketch of coach travelling as it was some five-and-
twenty or thirty years ago."-Piclorial World.
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."- Reynolds's.

The Latest Addition to the Round Table Series,

May now be had at all Booksellers'. PRICE ONE SHILLING.

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1'oints. Suit all Hands. Tuirnd-up Points.
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Boxes, at all Stationers'. Selected Sampie Box, by post, for 7
Sor 3 silaimps.-iBrnunghamr. PURE' SOLUBLE 1I REFRESHING ,!!


FUN. 43

"There were rewards given us for bravery. I myself
got .12 from Dublin. They could have their choice of
either medals or money. These are Parnell medals. I
preferred the money. I saw some of the medals.
Riordan, the captain, has one."-See Captain Moon-
light's evidence concerning the midnight raids, at the
Munster Winter Assizes, Telagrrafh.
WHITE-HAIRED, but soldier to the core,
He sat beside his cottage door;
The little children joyed to be
About his venerable knee.
Bold was his aged eye, as though
It still were turned upon the foe ;
Dauntless his soul, as might attest
The countless medals on his breast.
Well loved he, when his work was done,
To sit and tell how these were won;
Kindled his eye, as thus he spoke
To all the wondering little folk :-
"Well did I win these discs that shine
In Land League army's martial line;
Ne'er were these doughty arms afraid
To mingle in the midnight raid.
"No dreaded task to me, but fun,
To join with ten in fighting one;
When armed, and drunk, Inever ran
From woman, child, or (crippled) man.
"This glittering star so nobly gained,
Tells of an infant bravely brained ;
This clasp which decks my breast is there
For cutting off a woman's hair.
"To win this disc, I broke the head
Of palsied grandam in her bed;
I gained this little silver prize
By digging out a horse's eyes.
"Earned I this other sparkling toy
By running from a little boy ;
And this by winning in a deep
And bloody combat with a sheep."
The hero, bent with many years,
Concluded, shedding manly tears;
The while, by veneration led,
The children stroked his hoary head.
In such a gallant life one reads
The Land League army's glorious deeds,
In which the mouse's pluck we find
Paired with the demon's gentle mind.

THE parish of St. George the Martyr-or,
rather, the Vestry thereof-deserve our grate-
ful thanks. It points out to those who persist
in throwing orange-peel that it is a punishable
offence, and that the guardians will prosecute
all offenders in future. Now that people know
they can be fined from forty shillings to five
pounds the nuisance may cease. The notices
might be headed "There's many a slip from
the kerb to the hip."
According to Professor Judd it is the verdict
of geologists that a coal deposit exists beneath
London, and that if properly bored for, could
be obtained in Middlesex. The prospect of
having collieries in our midst is indeed a black
look-out. Such a circumstance would really be
a frightful "bore."
All lovers of art will rejoice that the cele-
brated picture "The Monarch of the Meadows"
has been found. It is a wonder it was not dis-
covered before, since a missing picture would
most likely be in Gainsborough Street-where
it was.
egotistic "jetty-tourist."


A Good Bill to be introduced next Session.
THE continuous break-up of railway carriages and passengers on our different lines suggests
the great advantage of the other "continuous brake" being used on our railways. A Bill is to
be introduced in Parliament shortly, to make the use of the continuous brake compulsory on
all British railways. We hope it may pass. Broken bones are not pleasant; and as this Act
is introduced for the benefit and safety of passengers, the lawmakers should make no bones
about it, but pass it at once. It is the Earl de la Warr who is going to fight the passengers'
battle, and thanks are due to him for it.


VOL. XXxY.-NO. 873,

44 FUN.


"An Old Sailor," writing to a contemporary, states that he has known the Plimsoll
mark to be painted out, and shifted three times during one voyage.

"LET 's go for a trip," said Captain Death;
We've a spanking gale and a wintry sea ;
It will warm your heart and prolong your breath,
Bold tar, to come for a trip with me;
She's lightly laden, my trusty barque,
And the wave's far down from the Plimsoll mark."
Oh, the sky was black, and the gale was brisk,
Among the ropes you could hear it rave;
But the seaman glanced at the brave white disc,
And it stood two feet from the murky wave.
And he tripped aboard her without ado,
And he said, "Good Captain, I'll sail with you."
Said Captain Death, "For a jiff we'll stay
To complete the load of our trusty barque-
A few light scraps that will stow away,
Too little to lower the Plimsoll mark."
And the seaman's heart was content and light
As he kept his eye on the disc of white.
They brought the rest of it, bale by bale;
They poured the load in the roomy hold;
Not once did the stream of cargo fail
Till several days had been duly told;
Yet the good white disc that would surely save,
Still stood two feet from the murky wave.
Still poured the cargo, and knew no check,
Still bales and cases came thick and fast ;
And they piled them high on the creaking deck,
And they lashed them high to the stately mast;
And the demons of hurricane howled with glee
As the good barque Catacomb put to sea,
And through the scuppers the waves rolled in ;
And over the bulwarks would slyly stare
The black wave-demons, and jeer and grin-
The black wave-demons with hoary hair.
But the seaman suffered nor care nor cark,
For they could not reach to the Plimsoll mark.
Then the black wave-demons retired and jeered,
As if the task were beneath their skill ;
And the gale went down, and the heavens cleared ;
And all the waters lay calm and still
Save small sly ripples that lapped and roll'd
Over the bulwarks and down the hold.
Then the seaman said, in a kind of doubt,
The deck's three feet in the briny sea,
And we'd best be pumping the water out."
But Death, the captain, he said, said he,
"There's the Plimsoll mark that is sure to save-
Why, it stands two feet from the rippling wave I"
Then the seaman said, as he scratched his head,
"Two feet ain't barely enough, maybe ? "

Then Death, the captain, he grinned and said,
"You can have it as high as you like," said he;
And he hauled it up, until, white and brave,
It stood six feet from the rippling wave.
So the seaman banished his fears of wreck,
And his throat got rid of its awkward lump;
But the waves crept up till they reached his neck,
And he thought it might be as well to pump ;
But the waves crept up till he turned and fled,
And took his perch at the mainmast-head.
But the gay white disc that had power to save,
The brave white disc that the seamen love,
Was never submerged in the angry wave,
But ever was visible far above.
When the seaman's mind was perturbed and dark,
It would cheer as he looked at the Plimsoll mark.
Then the seaman crept to the lofty truck,
And his toes were lapped by the rippling sea;
But the faithful mark that can scare ill luck
Was over him, bearing him companee;
But the seaman was silent, and held his breath :
"Just climb a bit higher," said Captain Death.
Then the lazy ripples closed, sly and soft,
Above the truck, like a great grey shroud;
But the brave white Plimsoll mark soared aloft,
And the seaman with it-above the cloud.
He cared no more for the silent sea-
He'd climbed a bit higher with Captain D.

WE read in the Globe how, on Sunday evening, during the service in
St. Paul's, a young fellow stood up and expressed his astonishment that
such doctrines as those of the preacher's should be tolerated, and how,
in consequence, "a kind of panic, which might have been attended with
serious consequences, ensued."
We do not recollect whether it was in the same paper that we also read
the following:-
"During a recent concert at the Albert Hall a slight scratching was
heard behind a board, followed by the appearance of a mouse on the
platform. In an instant the utmost confusion reigned among the audience,
a simultaneous and frantic rush being made toward the doors. Many
ladies fainted, and some considerable time elapsed before the police could
render any aid to the screaming gentlemen who attempted wildly to
climb up the columns and walls out of the way of the terrible animal,
which pursued its terror-striking course round the hall, clearing a wide
lane among the paralysed spectators in its progress. At length, after
many efforts, the police succeeded in capturing the brute, and the audience
once more resumed their seats, though not before many gentlemen had
been permanently prostrated by the fright, the brains of many being en-
tirely undermined and softened by the appalling event."
"A terrible scene occurred the other day at the Crystal Palace. A
baby in arms was heard to utter a note of lamentation consequent upon
its feeding-bottle having slipped from its grasp. In another instant the
terror-stricken audience were piled in huge and struggling masses at the
various doors, and it is feared that but a few of those present will ever
thoroughly recover their faculties.

44. FUN.


AVAUNT, begone Molest me not!
My soul would yearn alone.
What common tread shall soil the spot
Where stands the Poet's throne ?
I would not have one mouse about]
In earshot of my song,
While I the swelling stanza shout
In music loud and long.
I am a Bard. Beware, beware
My flashing eyes, my floating hair !
Nay, not a hint of cleaning up "
My spirit brooks to-day.
From Helicon was brimmed the cup
That lures me worlds away.
Undusted yet one other week
My furniture may stand.
Apollo summons : who shall seek
To stay my throbbing hand ?
I am a Bard. Beware, beware
My flashing eyes, my floating hair !
The petty, paltry things of earth,
So dear to meaner men,
When thoughts Titanic leap to birth
Retard the glowing pen,
Of articles to eat or drink,
Or articles of dress,
The nobler nature scorns to think,
Though needing them no less.
I am a Bard. Beware, beware
My flashing eyes, my floating hair !
Just now I had-so I believed-
Some verses "On a Storm ;"
Not only very well conceived,
But exquisite in form.
I scratch my head, I beat my brow.
'T is vain; I cannot find
A fragment of my lyric now :
No matter. Never mind !
I am a Bard. Beware, beware
My floating eyes, my flashing hair F

A BURNING SHAME.-Using corn for fuel.


Tan (glorious).-" NEVER HEED, MAN! A'LL TELL 'UM YE 'RE-(htic)-
0~0 WEEL "

MR. FUN, who is en rapport with the chief members of the Go%'ern-
ment, has been favoured with a glimpse of the forthcoming Quee.2's
Speech," which he hastens to print for the delectation of his readers,
I congratulate you on the resumption of your deliberative labours,
which I trust will keep you from stumping the country in your late un-
paralleled manner.
I beg hereby to explode the report of there being no Queen's Speech
this session. A Queen's peach is commonly a fruitful source of rumour.
I am glad to state that my relations with the European Powers are
on the best of terms; they are sufficiently well-bred to behave them-
selves when out visiting.
I have entered into a partnership with regard to Egyptian finance,
and although, "if two men ride a horse one must sit behind," the
politest nation in Europe would scarcely be guilty of asking a lady to
take a back seat.
The state of Ireland continues to cause me grave alarm, which I trust
will be dissipated by your deliberations on the subject, although last
session the subject caused your deliberations to be somewhat dissipated
I congratulate you heartily on the improvement in trade, which means
higher prices for all commodities; and especially congratulate those
with fixed incomes.
I regret to say it has become necessary that you should be asked to
adopt the cl/ture, which my Ministers have "taken from the French."
It is open to speculation whether "the French" may not be congratu-
lated on its loss.
A Bill will be laid before you for the purpose of remedying the defects
of local taxation, by making it imperial, which means where one man
already paid a penny, every man will have to pay the same, thus
remedying the defect of jealousy.
A Bill will be laid before you for the admission of Mr. Bradlaugh, an
admission you doubtless receive with various feelings.

I recommend the Bankruptcy Laws and the Municipality of London
to your profound attention, though I doubt whether you will make much
out of either, however hard you study, unless you happen to be intending
defaulters or shippers of turtle.
It is intended to lay before you a Bill for the compulsory registration
of all intending murderers as "cranks."
I am able to inform you that my Commercial Treaty with France is
ap'oroaching its settlement-if, indeed, it be not "settled already.
I lxave given instructions that the Estimates for the ensuing year be
laid before you as speedily as possible. I may mention, en passant,
that my youngest son is about to be married.
Having nothing more particular to say, I beg to wish you a very good

Strange Want of Intelligenoe on the part of an
WE don't know what is coming to dogs nowadays. Here a police
sergeant-a real live one-tries to force his way into a man's house in
Southwark (whilst in plain clothes), and the dog on the premises does
not find out that he is a policeman, but goes and bites the officer's leg
like an idiot, Really, if things go on like this we shall have to start a
reformatory for stupid dogs, with the late St, Paul's staff as assistants.
They would understand, at all events, something about the canine

The Unruly Member.
FROM Northampton it is stated that a family of four have been almost
killed by eating tinned tongue. We were about to remark that we knew
a man who was quite killed by his wife's tongue; but, of course, that
isn't the same thing. At Northampton the tongue was potted. It is
impossible to pot" a woman's tongue.

46 FUIN. FEBRUARY I, 1882.


' No soldiers served in this department !

'I~~~ rl 1:TW j ;;iiii:rfl

-4- 1- 1 'i ,1J. 7 1,fj 1

'K ,~

JmoN BULL (to Veteran).-" Workhouse? Just round the corner here to the left."

~-::'~ ii''




~ F~3I ...~i




(See Cartoon.)
DISSENTER, Papist, Churchman, arm-in-arm,
United by humanity's sweet charm I
Well do ye aim to shield from lawless harm
The law-abiding;
And Russian savages, whose cruel will
Impels them on to outrage, rob, and kill
Their Hebrew neighbours, may perchance stand still
Beneath your chiding.
To those old zealots of the Cross retrace
Your thoughts, who deem'd they merited God's grace
By persecuting unto death the race
That gave their Saviour :
What would they say, were they but here to see
This outcome of your Christianity ?
Would they not stare and marvel mightily
At such behaviour ?
Although harsh discords yet bestain your creed,
At least ye have in charity agreed
To hold a victim of the Jewish breed
E'en as a brother;
And oh while thus your hearts in pity burn,
'T were truly well if ye could likewise learn
To cultivate a larger love in turn
For one another I


"RIDE two hounds? No, I did not nevare at all ride two hounds;
but I have, en Continent, seen them drive two, tree, ah oui! seex dog,
and in ze hippodrome I have seen von ride six horse all at ze vonce ; but
ride two hounds, nevare." Zat is vat I ansare Jollidogue, but he tell
me how zat he mean have I ride aftare ze hounds? I reply nevare.
He say he go into ze Middlelands to-morrows to hunt, vill I go vit him ?
I say I am like your fox, mon ami, I am game. Vat your fox not game,
but vermeen ? zen voill! I am vermeen-killare . Ze to-morrow
ve go. Ze train put us down at Norsamptons, and ve put ourselves up
at ze hotel zare. Jollidogue ask me to tell ze boot to call us in ze morn-
ink; I ask Jollidogue if he is vat you call screw, if not, if he is.screw
loose, or again if he is tight. He explains he mean John ze Boots, who
year ze Jack boots, and I must tell him to take ze boot Jack to our room.
I find ze landlords ; I say, "Landlords, look here, old fellows, you tell ze
landlord, boot-no, you tell ze boot-land-no, I vill commence again.
Boot-no-Jack-diable!- landlords, tell ze boot Jack zat year ze John
boots to bring ze Jack boot to our room." Ze landlord say vill I have
a split sodas. I say, Split? I shall split my jaw vit your langvidge "
Next morninks I go vit Jollidogue to ze bait stable, vare I expect ve shall
get ze bait to put on ze hook for ze fox; but no, he tell me it is ze etabliss-
ment of ze livery-stable keepare. I say he look hearty, vessare or not
he is livery. Zey bring me a horse ; he is soroughbred : ze vay he dance
make me sink him fancy bread. I am up-so is he-in ze air; he dance
-I sink he must have belong to a circus. I say, "Vo !" but he vill not
vo-no, he von't vo. Jollidogue shout me to hold a short rein. I say my
reign over zis animal vill be ver' short. Ze ostlare ask me vill I have a
crop. I tell him none of his cheek, ze cut of my hair is not nozzink to him;
but Jollidogue remark he mean my vip. Zey give me a vip ; I give it ze
horse, and he go along-sidevays. Ze leetle boys call me to get inside,
but I take no notice. My horse persist in valking on ze pavement, he
try to go in a shops, ze young lady escream. I beg her pardons, and ve
go on annozare few yard. My horse vill now do nozzink but valk-I
sink he sink he is at a funerals. At last ve get out of ze town into a
lane. He begin to trot. I sink my head vill fall off. At a cross road
ve met ze man vit a lot of dogs vit zare tails up. Jollidogue say it is ze
huntsman vit ze pack. I notice ze huntsman shuffle ze pack, and ven
zey vill not shuffle he cut ze pack vit his vip. Jollidogue observe zey go
to ze meat; it vill be a big meat. I say I sink too so, ze meat for so many
dog. Toute suite, I comprehend Jollidogue mean ze meet, for presently
ve are zare.
Lots of zem know Jollidogue ; but how they estare at me and my
horse Quel bonheur! zare is ze charming Miss Jollidogue, and I feel
my heart jump more even zan ze trot of my horse have made it.
Mees Jollidogue is alvays lovely; but to-day, vit ze glow on her cheek,
ze sparkle in her eye, her lofally hair braided neatly undare ze chimney-
pot hat, her habit vitout a wrinkle from vare it meet ze neat little stickup
collar down to ze tiny vaist, and vit ze smallest foot and most bevilder-
ing ankle just peeping from ze fold, she seems Venus and Diana in von.
I say she shine brightest in ze saddle, and some von say Yes, on ze
Brush system." She tell zat I have a good mount, zat she like to see
men in tops. I 'ask if she mean zose men among ze turnip-tops in ze
next field? She say "No, mahogany tops and cords." I zink she chaff,
and say zey are for ze leetle boys-ze top and ze streeng. I vould like
to keep by her side, but my horse dance avay. Jollidogue say he is a
ver good huntare, he is by Fidget-dam Skittish. I say Nuisance I "
Just zen ze hounds vat zey call give tongue, everybody gallop and say zey
have found. Before I can ask "Vat ? zare is a shout; ve are off, my
horse is off, I am nearly off-his back. I demand vat is it vich is up? I
learn ze hounds have got ze scent. I ask if zey use ze Jockey Club scent
in ze hunt. Before I get ansare zare is more shout ; zey say somesink
have broke avay. My horse start so sudden he almost leave me behind.
But I cling round his neck and ze stirrup stir up round my ankle, so I
am allright. Mees Jollidogue and I are togezzare; she sit so square
and easy, it seem she and her horse are von. I do not sit square, neizer
am I easy, and I sink my horse and I will soon be two. Ven I get breaf,
I say Mees Jollidogue, you are von pearl." She say if I no look out
I sall get a purlerr." She say "It is awfully jolly." I say it is jolly
awfuls. Zey cry Hark forward !" and I vish zey would hark backwards;
zey also shout Whoo-oop I I shout Who-ooP also. Some von
say "Vare bullfinch." I look round and I say" Vare bullfinch? Novare I
Zare is an esparrows and zare is--" But before I have said more I
rise, I am high and dry; -I fall, I am low and vet. I am out of ze hunt,
I am vat you call in ze svim. My horse crawl out of ze estreem. I sink
I vill go back and change; my horse sink'he von't. His resolution is
ze strongare, and, as you say, ze resolution is carried, I am carried also.
Again he trot, he canter, he gallop, he fly I Ze grass, ze hedges, ze
trees, ze everysink flash by like the vind. Zey are in ze next field ; I
sail catch zem. Hoorahs vive la chasse! In front zare is a hedge,
and zare is a tree. It is too late to stop My horse rush-he spring
so high I cannot go undare ze tree-so I hang on to ze branch. I still
hang on, but my horse does not vait, everyvon is gone, and I am indeed
vat you call up a tree !


1 fI I I' ,K ,- .. I

Still anxious to be acquitted on the plea of insanity, our two comedians plunge into
the morning papers, and continue:-
We may be deceived, but we think all the same,
We are such a couple of fools !
In Egypt we're playing a tickle-ish game,
We are such a couple of fools I
And look at the Crises all over the shop ;"
With Gambetta (who's gone), and with Bismarck (who '11 stop),
We 'd not like to reap their political crop,
We are such a couple of fools !
We think you've been going a little too far,
We are such a couple of fools !
I. 3ril;ri; your "working men's trains," G.E.R.,
We are such a couple of fools I
We think, if you bring men so early to town,
You might in the waiting-rooms let them sit down,
Your refusal gives insult as injury's crown,
We are such a couple of fools !
At Indian news our delight's unconcealed,
We are such a couple of fools !
We're glad the Vernacular Press Act's repealed,
We are such a couple of fools I
The Indians aren't polite as a mass
In speaking of English officials, alas !
But we think bottled feelings will generate gas,
We are such a couple of fools I
To give an opinion we firmly refuse,
We are such a couple of fools I
Concerning the Russians' behaviour to Jews,
We are such a couple of fools I
For, once we begin, we would speak without stint,
And the Editor's certain to give us this hint-
"Expressions as marked are improper for print,"
We are such a couple of fools I
We'd like to get coals at a penny a ton,
We are such a couple of fools I
But shouldn't exactly regard it as fun,
We are such a couple of fools !
If Westminster Abbey were used for a shed,
And every night as you lay in your bed
The fire-damp exploded and blew off your head,
We are such a couple of fools I

THE ELECTRIC BRUSH.-This elegant article of the toilet, an en-
graving of which so often adorns our back page, appeared in our issue
of January 25th, by the accidental dropping of a figure 2, to be obtain-
able for is. 6d., although another part of the advertisement distinctly
showed the price to be 12s. 6d.-I2s. 6d. is the "Brush System," not
is. 6d.

THE DUKE OF YORK STEPS I-No doubt, but seeing the height at
which H.R.H. is stationed, his steps are exceedingly gingerly in their



50 FU N'. FEBRUARY i8s2.

,' -... HE pressure on
< my space at
time prevent-
any but the
more promi-
nent pieces at
the moment;
hence it comes
that I have
not previously
mentioned a
little musical
c piece at the
Opera Co-
r .y mique called
SLov ers' Knotts.
\ \ It is unpre-
tending, and
.i strikes out no
particular no-
-velty either in
THE OErA COMIUs E.-PaUNS AND (D'o ) Wc VIGG, ESo dialogue or
music, but it
contains plen-
ty of "quips," some sufficiently tuneful melodies, some exceptionally
neat verification, and having the advantage of employing the talents
of Messrs. Richard and George Temple, Mr. Robert Brough, and Misses
Emily Cross and C. Maitland, the exertion of getting to the theatre
half an hour earlier will be well repaid, and you will be brought into
a nice cheerful humour to thoroughly enjoy Mr. Sims's rollicking

The rattling fun of Mr. Sims's piece seems to have taken a firm hold,
and Mr. Bishop as the punning Pownceby, and Mr. Vernon as the
worried author Twigg (they ought to be called "Punsby" and "D'ye
Twigg? according to our artist), upon whom most of the work falls,
carry it through with unflagging spirit, ably assisted by Miss Sallie
Turner as the objectionable prospective mother-in-law. The author
has made the unfortunate McTurtle, with his too-much marriedness
and his prospective breach of promise case, as funny as the nature of
the materials will permit, and the part loses nothing in Mr. R. Brough's

Miss Emily Cross is not too well treated in the shadowy part of Mrs.
Pownceby, but she makes the most of the prying and jealous propen-
sities of that lady, seizing the suspicious letter in the office scene with
vicious triumph. By the way, there is an excellent small bit of cha-
racter acting in this scene by Mr. Ettinson as a ricketty clerk with a
troublesome cough. This seizure by the lady, and affliction of the gen-
tleman, suggest the idea that here we have the coffee and ices-coughy
and I-seize, I mean-referred to in the programme.


Another piece reference to which was "crowded out was The
Fisherman's Daughter at the Royalty. I see it still continues in the
bills, so I conclude that the attractions of the bright and merry Pluto

are sufficient to induce audiences to condone the shortcoming of the
"comedy." The general drift of the story is old (worked to death
almost), the incidents are old, and the "character" is old; moreover,
the incidents are clumsily tacked together, and the characters are moved
by no intelligible motives, and jerked about on their puppet strings in a
most eccentric fashion.

The merits of the piece are all in the acting. Mr. Charles Glenny
has most to do, and works with untiring energy and devotion to invest
his part with reality. Mr. Everill is an old salt" to the life, and Mr.
Mansfield (in another capital "make-up ") throws a good deal of life
into an impossible old man. Mr. Rodney does nothing very creditably,
and Miss Evelyn is wasted on the desert air." The principal points
connected with Miss Hilton's performance of the heroine are a general
feebleness (truly that may be the fault of the part) and a "displayed
line in the bills.

Pluto, however, is capital; you won't find a better dish of its kind
anywhere on the dramatic board; and, from its apparent success, it
would be no misnomer, I should say, to rename it Plutus.

Mr. Clement Hoey has started a third series of Ballad Concerts at the
Royal Victoria Coffee Hall, the principal attraction to which (from the
prominence given to it) appears to be the fact that they are "under
royal patronage ;" but if "royal patronage" does not object to that
style of advertisement, I suppose it's all right. I 've not been able to
get so far afield myself, but I hear, from persons who have and who are
not usually over-inclined to Clementcy, that they have been Hoeyly


In common with a large section of the community, I believe Mrs.
Langtry is paid for her services at the Haymarket (the exact sum is
nothing to do with me or any one but Mr. Bancroft and Mrs. Langtry),
exactly like any other performer-according to her "drawing" powers;
Mrs. Langtry, for obvious reasons, is a "big draw at present-exactly
as any other performer might be; Mrs. Langtry (probably) exercises her
business faculties, takes advantage of circumstances, and gets the best
price she can for her services- exactly as any other performer as-
suredly would. All this seems gall and wormwood to certain champions
of ",the profession," but verily they have their revenge; they call her
"the fashionable amateur."

Messrs. Sidney Grundy and Edward Solomon are said to be at work
on a piece -comic opera or what not -on the subject of The Vicar of
Bray. Mr. Grundy has already proved his possession of more than
average powers; in company with his present collaborateur, he will be
able to show more than ever that he has a Ned upon his shoulders.

At the morning performance at the Prince of Wales's, I understand
Mr. Beerbohm Tree will produce a piece called Mlerely Players. (Query
-is this an adaptation of the novel of that name?) As an afterpiece at
the same performance, I believe this same Tree will produce Apples!

SOME of the usual Irish outrages have been taking place lately at a
village called Knocknagree. At a meeting of the inhabitants it has
been unanimously decided-that is, after the all-shouting-at-once style -
to make a slight alteration in the name of the place, and call it Knockan'-



"Just now the tide of public opinion is setting somewhat strongly in favour of the election of lady members of Boirds of Guardians."-DDaily Tieg-raJi, Jan. 3, 18S2.

. -- Ie e. I I C-h m-an m S".A tIoLI ,s V t11-I 4l 'it
Little Feeds. The Chairwoman. A stormy Discussion.

On the S'-ree, Jan. 3oth, 1882.
I WAS quite prepared to be cautious when I came on here from Paris
with a view of studying the effect of Bismarck's virtual coup d'&dt, for
the cosmopolitan friend who had invited me to visit him warned me that
the streets literally swarmed with detectives, who arrested people over-
heard even to chaff the Kaiser or his "blood and iron" Chancellor.
But I admit, Sir, that I was not prepared, even after seeing the London
comic journals seized the very morning I arrived, to find myself arrested
and charged the very next evening before the Police Commissary of
this Linden district with no less than four distinct statements of mur-
derous and treasonable import.
You will be able better to imagine my surprise when I tell you my
proceedings for the day. In the first place, then, I had sallied out with
my friend (who had a severe headache) to procure a small quantity of
green tea, that it might be substituted for the inevitable coffee. There
being but one place where the tea could be obtained good, we had thought
it better to go in person.
My friend at once noticed we were followed by a police agent, but,
serene in our confident innocence, we determined not to mind, even
when, on going out again after our dejeu2ner, we again found the spy at
our heels. Nothing heeding, we walked Unter den Linden, gaily dis-
cussing some rubbers of whist we had played the previous evening, until
we were tired, and returned home to rest and write letters.
The detective dared not follow us into my friend's room, but he was
waiting for us ensconced snugly behind a lamp-post opposite our house,
when, about 6 P. M., we went out to dine, talking loudly of my new
sensational drama, to be shortly produced at the-well, it is not quite
settled which theatre-and especially debating as to how the villain
should be disposed of in the last act.
At the restaurant I noticed the same police spy at an adjacent table,
and I took care to pitch my conversation in a loud key just to show him
how in my conscious innocence I defied him. As a matter of fact, our
conversation turned almost entirely on domestic topics, quite half an
hour being devoted to apiarian gossip, my friend having questioned me
as to the results of my extensive bee-keeping some year or two since.
Being somewhat tired, I suggested a game of billiards and then home,
and it was on crossing the threshold of my friend's house at the early
hour of 8.15 that, much to the consternation and indignation of us both,
I was arrested and hurried off to the police bureau, as I have already
You can now judge, Sir, how indignantly I met the charge and de-
manded to have details of so false an accusation.
On this, as I expected, the plain-clothes fellow who had dogged our
steps came forward, and having been sworn, proceeded to state that he
knew the English tongue, and had heard me, during the day, make use
of the following expressions, which he read verbatim from his note-book:
I.-"At 10.52 the prisoner remarked to this friend, There, now! I
think this little packet of gunpowder will do the trick!' At the same
time he (that is, me) slapped his breast-pocket 'significantly."
II.-" At 12.2 I heard prisoner say distinctly, whilst within sight of
his Imperial Majesty's palace, 'I could cut the King this very moment
if I had the chance-yes, twenty times if you liked.' At 12.7 he added
excitedly, 7he King's no use, I tell you; the deuce can take him, and
there's an end of it "
III.-" At 6. o, whilst still following prisoner, he exclaimed suddenly,
'I have it, old man! 1'll blow ui the villain with xeroline siccative.

Dynamite's out of date, and I could easily put a can of the new stuff in
the luggage-van when the old ruffian goes by train.'"
IV.-" Put on the alert by these atrocious expressions, I listened
further, and at 7.21, at table No. 4 at the Restaurant Moltke, I heard
the prisoner cry, What would I do? Why, smother the old Queen, oJ
course!' adding, a few moments later, 'If Ismothered the whole swarm,
no one would be the loser. But the Queen-Mother must go !' "
When the spy had finished, the Police Commissary was evidently much
impressed, and my laughter, concealed with difficulty, did not improve
my case. I heard the P.C. remark to his clerk, in German, "A regular
bloodthirsty demagogue. I shall lock him up, most decidedly "
Then he turned to me, and was about to gravely denounce my san-
guinary and regicidal views, when my friend rushed in with an attach
from our Embassy, to whom I hastily explained the ludicrous situa-
tion in a very short time. He in turn made a short speech to the Com-
missary in idiomatic German, on which the latter, though he still evi-
dently regarded me as a dangerous lot, set me at liberty, much to the
chagrin of the hang-dog scout who had dodged me all day.
But I say, Sir, what do you think of the state of a capital, and the
capital of a State, in which such an incident as the above is possible,
and in which an innocent foreigner, who chances to have a preference
for gunpowder tea, and who talks about playing cards, sensational
dramatic scenes, and bee-swarming in the public streets, runs the risk of
being arrested as a Nihilist incendiary of the most murderously com-
munistic type ? I think so little of such a city myself that I propose
leaving here to-morrow.

The Elastic Man.
THIS natural phenomenon cannot be realized even by the widest stretch
of one's imagination, for his skin stretches wider even than that. There
is nothing mysterious, though, about his India-rubber-like epidermis, for
it can be seen through easily by the youngest child-when a lighted
candle is placed behind it. Although spectators are not warned not to
touch the figure, it is quite clear that his skin cannot be "felt." It is
far too elastic to be that. L'Homme Elastique is healthy, and only
suffers from occasional face-ache-a kind of elastic "-doloureux. He is
necessarily temperate in his habits, for he finds it literally impossible to
take a "skin-full," much more make himself "tight." He was a cabinet-
maker by profession, but has now, at Mr. Farini's instigation, joined the
elastic "band," in which he plays first fiddle. Mr. Farini, by the way,
would have exhibited better taste had he not shown the Elastic Man ;
but he elected to show the latter, as "better taste is not a very popular
exhibit just now.

The Way to Spain.
AT Croydon, when Michael Connote, described as a Spaniard, was
charged with loitering about for a supposed felonious purpose, and with
having in his possession certain articles supposed to be stolen, he, in
defence, said he had gone down to Croydon on his way to Spain.
Although this Spaniard Connote know much about geography, or would
have it thought that he doesn't, the fact of his having stolen property on
his person looks as if he did know his way about."

SURR-TAINLY,-The only sort of school permitted should be a SURR-
tified school.

SS To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. It no case will there be returned unless
accompanied ib a stamped and directed envelope.


Philanthropist-" I TRUST.
Philanthropist-" I GRIEVE
Mrs. Grubbins.-" IT'S MIG






1,iiiI, li i ill li, li il


More than a Joke.
MR. BALGUY, the Greenwich magistrate, has fined a butcher's man 20s.
for driving a horse and cart to the danger of the public, remarking that
he did not recollect ever having heard of a butcher's man who drove with
proper caution. From time immemorial it has seemed to be a recognized
thing for these people to gallop through the streets without let or hin-
drance, and it is about time some steps were taken to suppress the nui-
sance. It would be a legitimate field for the Prevention of Street Acci-
dents Association.
A LANG "-TRY AND a STRANGEG "-TRY.-The Jersey Lily's.

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London: Printed by Dalzlel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at Y53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February 1, 1882




'-I ~:3-i~~7 N -~


) L\7"-.. .7


FEELING assured, Sir, that the adoption of the cloture in the House
of Commons will be resisted tooth and nail, or rather, throat and tongue,
by a considerable minority of the Members, I spent the greater part of
last week in devising a form of gag, at once efficacious and comfortable,
with a view of offering it to the Government for their use in silencing
obstreperous speakers when ordinary means shall have failed.
And having at length constructed a satisfactory article, I drove down
to the House on Friday last just to submit my novel gag to the Serjeant-
at-Arms' notice. I found Captain Gossett busily engaged with his
myrmidons, but without his sword, in superintending the delivery of
thirty-three iron bedsteads, which were being borne off in the direction
of the Clock Tower.
"Well, you see, we are hard at it," exclaimed the genial Captain, as
he recognized me with a smile.
"What, are you going to make a night of it ? I inquired.
"It's necessary to be prepared for the worst," returned the Serjeant,
"and I am accordingly having thirty-three new cells fitted up in case
they may be wanted. The sheets will be always kept aired, hot and
cold water laid on,-in short, if the Parnellites and their friends prove
unmanageable, their lodgings will be ready at any hour."
"Your forethought" (I might have said "thirty-fourthought," but I
purposely refrained) "does you much credit, Captain Gossett," I replied.
" I was myself about to suggest a preliminary precaution in the shape of
this,"-and I promptly whipped my newfangled gag from my coat-tail
pocket. "You will see," I added, "that it is so constructed as to adapt
itself to the largest mouth Erin sends us, whilst at the same time it will,
on gentle pressure, fit a small mouth equally well, and being padded,
will in no wise injure the gums of the tenderest-mouthed legislator.
It is applied in the simplest manner, thus-hey presto !" and as I spoke
I seized the parliamentary myrmidon who chanced to be nearest, and
applied my gag before he had even time to protest.
"Excellent 1" exclaimed the worthy Serjeant-at-Arms, "a most ad-
mirable invention, and I will submit it to the Speaker with pleasure.
But, as you see, yours is not the only mind which has been at work,"
and so saying he flung open the door of a committee-room, and showed

me the floor and table literally covered with gags of all shapes and sizes,
gigantic extinguishers and silencing apparatus of the most simple and
most intricate varieties.
I was much struck with one which was seemingly a combination of a
lasso and a respirator on a large scale, intended to be used by the
Speaker without leaving the chair. But considerable practice in throw-
ing it would be necessary, the Captain explained, and he seemed him-
self to rather lean to a much more elaborate contrivance with electrical
motive power, which would not only silence a disorderly speaker, but
force him by the violence of the shock to leave the House.
Nothing has been definitely resolved on as yet, however, and, of
course, the first thing will be to get the culture passed.
After I had examined the various apparatus carefully, Captain Gossett
took me up on the roof of the House and showed me the iron sheet which
can be drawn over should Mr. Bradlaugh attempt to take his seat via a
hole in the glass ceiling. The stacks of old Blue Books accumulated in
the neighbourhood of each door can also, if necessary, be made into im-
passable barricades at the shortest notice, thanks to frequent rehearsals.
Even assuming that the junior Member for Northampton overcomes
every obstacle and reaches the front of the table, a cunningly prepared
trap-door opening into the cellar beneath will-but I remember now,
Sir, I was asked not to go into details on this point.
The bed-rooms fitted up for the Ministers in case of all-night sittings
are really very snug and cosy; and the automatic life-size model of the
Speaker, just completed and sent in by the ingenious constructor of
"Fanfare and "Psycho," cries "Order! Order !" in such a Brand-
like tone that it is confidently hoped it will be sometimes possible to
put it in the chair after dinner, and thus give the real Speaker a little
more rest than he had last Session.
I will not tell you all the other signs of preparation I witnessed ; but
you will easily understand, Sir, that wellnigh everything that prudence
and experience can suggest is being done to prevent the Session of
1882 being given over to lawless license. Let the Government only
determine to furthermore adopt my new form of adaptable gag, as per
sample left with Captain Gossett, and they will have done all that their
countrymen can either expect or demand.

VOL, XXXV.-NO. 874


54 IFU N FEBRUARY 8, is82.


,, i

Again, in response to a peremptory and unanimous call, our comedians proceed:-
WE pity the pauper, and notice with pain,
We are such a couple of fools !
That blessed Guy's Hospital's at it again,
We are such a couple of fools I
You die there a pauper, and seemingly they
Dissect you unless you are taken away;
UVA don't mean to die there, we hasten to say,
We are such a couple of fools I
We smile at that beak who (anxiety fraught)
We are such a couple of fools !
Asked a man if he'd "challenged" a burglar he'd caught I
We are such a couple of fools I
For when we encounter those "six-shooter chaps
We deal them our hardest and deadliest raps,
Proceeding to challenge them afterwards-p'raps,
We are such a couple of fools I
We think that apprentices looking for lights,
We are such a couple of fools I
Should see to their costume and put it "to rights,"
We are such a couple of fools !
Or the risk that they run of sham fits is immense ;
But the hot-poker cure is deficient in sense,
And, doctor, we don't think it's worth the expense,
We are such a couple of fools !
We don't think their acumen worthy of laud,
We are such a couple of fools I
That Railway concerned in an action for fraud,
We are such a couple of fools !
We think there's no person who (working by stealth)
Would torture his body and shatter his health,
That somebody else might be rolling in wealth,
We are such a couple of fools !
The Mid-Metropolitan Railway intend,
We are such a couple of fools !
The question of flying to bring to an end,
We are such a couple of fools I
We travel by land with the speed of a hare,
And also by sea as, of course, you're aware,
With this, when we travel we 'll fly, through the air,
We are such a couple of fools I
Although we don't think any foe will invade,
We are such a couple of fools!
When under the Channel a tunnel is made,
We are such a couple of fools 1
We think we could beat them, supposing they did,
By having a cover at Dover (well hid),
Then pouring in brimstone and shutting the lid,
We are such a couple of fools !
We've recently heard (and we feel very sore)
We are such a couple of fools 1
That Justice has been and miscarried once more,
We are such a couple of fools !

While Innocence suffers, and Guilt, by a flaw,
Is never unearthed, the conclusion we draw
That it's dangerous work to conform to the law,
We are such a couple of fools I
And now we have come to the end of our song,
We are such a couple of fools I
We think, on the whole, it has been rather long,
We are such a couple of fools I
We 've lavishly drawn on the limitless stores
Of your patience, with ever-recurring encores,
And we've fears of becoming a couple of bores,
So-exeunt the couple of fools I

Tumultuous applause ; our comedians return, bow, and exeunt. Applause con-
tinued ; comedians return once more. bow, and retire as before. The audience now
perceive there is no more for them ; the applause gradually subsides, peace descends,
and things go on as usual.

Only a Pauper whom Nobody Owns."
To manage to live seventy years in the world without indulging in
any performance requiring the attention of the public executioner, and
then in ripe old age to suddenly blossom into "murder," as the late
Charles Gerrish did, is happily unusual. It is sad that royal clemency
was not extended to that wretched old pauper, although he, by the
way, was rather pleased than otherwise to be assisted out of his misery
by Mr. Marwood's peculiarly easy method.
Certainly, when we read such an application as was made to Mr.
Barstow recently, and his replies to it, it strikes us there is not much
inducement for a pauper, old or otherwise, to wish to live. Hugh Rose
stated that he had recently been sentenced to fourteen days' had labour
by the magistrate {Mr. Barstow) for being unable to break five hun-
dredweight of stones a day. He also stated that he was "now suffer-
ing" from two distinct complaints, rendering physical labour impossible,
and that his hands were very sore, and inquired what he was to do.
Rose's address was long and somewhat flowery, naturally; but he was
soon disposed of by the tender-hearted Mr. Barstow, who, of course,
remarked, "Bah, stow all that nonsense!" and gaily led Rose to
believe that he must expect a good many thorns in this life, and that
"he could not expect to live in the workhouse," meaning, we suppose,
that he might have the decency to die at once on admission. Hugh
thought he could do light work, but said Mr. Sprightly, a workhouse
official, was of that lively nature himself, that he objected to anything
light in connection with paupers. As Dr. Smiles, of the House of
Correction, seems to have been the only official who has treated this
unfortunate man like a human being, we should advise him, if he is
still alive, to get himself under that merry doctor's care again as soon as
possible, and avoid bothering magistrates for advice.

"Once More unto the Breach."
AN unusual kind of breach of promise case was tried the other day at
Exeter, when the plaintiff, a farmer named George Hole, sought com-
pensation from a Miss Minnie Harding, and was awarded one farthing
damages. From this it would appear that the jury did not think he
was much hurt, or they would have had more sympathy with his plaintiff
tones. Poor fellow Did the naughty puss promise to marry him and
then leave him in the lurch ? There, then; there's a nice bright farthing
for him. Not even this has satisfied the appellant, who says he can never
forget the faithless one; to him she was such a promising girl.

Wanted, a "Head"-itor.
"The Inns of Court have no organized head," laments a legal con-
temporary. This is very strange, for one would suppose that the Bar's
head would be an inevitable complement to the "Bar's-tow" we hear
of so often,

CUE-PIDITY.-A billiard match for 1,ooo.

FEBRUARY 8, 1882. FUN. 55

Government by Committee. [ ,i,,,.~ llll-- ,.

(Some Irish ladies have started another committee to help the evicted,
in opposition to the Lord Mayor's movement.)
LET a bard of small dimensions
Make a humble proposition,
And, observing the dissensions
In the Cabinet's position,
Say that Government is played out
In the provinces and cities,
And the thing that's pushed the jade out
Is impersonal Committees.
Hang a Cabinet and Premier !
They are clumsy, coarse, and cumbrous;
What we want is something dreamier,
And not anything as slumb'rous.
Groups that owe no kind of answer
To the counties, to the cities ;
That's the Government we plan, sir,-
Irresponsible Committees.
Can we even say we plan it ?
No our claim to start that's hollow.
Our own dear Lord Mayor began it,
And the ladies did but follow;
Followed lords and followed ladies,
Singing divers Home Rule ditties,
To the Governmental Hades,-
Ruling only by Committees.
We shall have deceased wives' sisters,
By mammas-in-law assembled,
Settled; wives will bowl us twisters
Where in ancient times they trembled.
They will rule our rates and taxes,
Will the Jennies, Maudes, and Kitties;
And, ah, woe to him who lax is,
Facing their divine Committees !
For a masculine and normal
Government may have its errors,
May be slow, and false, and formal;
Banded women breed all terrors 1
And maybe a quick returning
To the ancient days of Pitt is
As intelligent as learning
How to govern by Committees.

NEVER SAY "DYE "-Certainly not! Every one with
any gumption alludes to it as hairwasb.



AN ancient man of lowly rank,
And humble (as is meet),
To-day applied to Mr. Blank,
At Whaddycallit Street,
Intent on pouring out his great
Emotion to the magistrate.
He simply told-the while he cried
In deeply grateful wise-
Of how his pauper wife had died
Within the walls of Guy's ;
And such a glowing tale he weaved
Of all the kindness he'd received !-
Of how officials, far and wide,
Of ev'ry rank and grade,
With zealous kindliness had vied
In offering their aid,
And wildly struggled, voice and limb,
To get the chance of helping him.

The kind authorities of Guy's,
Competing (as they should)
To gain that deeply-cherished prize,
The sense of doing good,-
Insisted that it ought to fall
To them to do and pay for all.
But kind St. George's officer,
Rejoicing to relieve,
Would not permit without demur
His rivals to achieve
A duty which, for kindness' sake,
HLe fondly yearned to undertake.
And so the question now arose
The pauper came to ask-
The question as to which of those
Should do the gracious task.
To fix on one of them would touch
The others' feelings very much.

All Things Change.
IT is suggested by a daily contemporary that as Newgate is now done
with as a prison it should be open to the public at a charge of, say, six-
pence each, and the proceeds devoted to some deserving charity. The
idea is not a bad one. Nowadays notoriety is everything, and there is
no doubt thousands of persons would willingly pay for the privilege of
being able to say they had been in Newgate.

The magistrate, affected, framed
Some words that might express
His sentiments to those we've named
Upon their kindliness.
They blushed at his admiring phrase,
And warmly deprecated praise.
Although it isn't mentioned how
The matter was arranged,
It only shows the sternest brow
And hardest heart are changed
And softened-who can say how much?-
By sweet officialism's touch.
Such kindly sentiments, which fling
A balm on pauper smarts,
We hear are quite the common thing
In warm official hearts;
They tell us one would find the same
In any parish one could name.

Bar the Dele-gates
IT seems that the Assembly of Delegates in Egypt is causing con-
siderable trouble to both England and France. Our course should be
plain. Why do we not take and "blow up the "Delhi-gates now,
as we did during the Indian Mutiny? Or, if a scolding won't do, we
can send them back to Hindostan, and have them attached-not to say
hung-to their respective posts.

56 N. FREBRUARY 8., ,882.




Success of the Plans. The Test of Endurance. The Company v. A Member of the Public.

MORAL:-There is a law for the rich; but the worst of it is, there is not another for the poor.

F TJN .-FEBRUARY 8, 1882.



(See Cartoon.)
I WANT to see the rising of the curtain,
So please to pass me on into the pit."
"The House is very crowded now, that's certain;
I doubt if there's a place for you to sit."
"Oh, stuff! I've got your Manager's permission,
An order for to-night. See there-that's flat!
Signed Gladstone "'" "Humph! a genuine edition ?
I 'd like to know, sir, how you came by that ?"
"You don't suppose that I have prigged or bought it ?
He gave it to me; I'm a friend of his."
No I 'pon my word, who ever would have thought it ?
I shouldn't; that is, judging from your phiz."
"Beware you tread on insolence's borders ;
Once more I say I've come here as his friend."
"I 've heard of men (no friends) who '11 cadge for orders,
And get 'em too, to make the bother end."
Well, let that be. But I '11 kick up a riot,
And force my way, unless you let me pass."
"You'd be the better off for keeping quiet;
Sheer 'cussedness' would write you down an ass."
"If there's a row at least 'tis you begin it;
Resist my right, and future troubles loom."
"Ah, then, just kindly wait outside a minute,
I'll ask the gentlemen if they'll make room."



"Hitherto the Cambridge Mathematical 'Tripos' has taken place in the depth of winter, in the earliest months of the new year. In future May or June are to be the
seasons when the mathematical gladiators will meet in the Cantabridgian arena and cross logarithms and conic sections together."-Daily Te'legraph, Jan. 28, 1SS?.

The Cram. WRANGLERS.-Fragment of frieze to be found A.D. 3882,
commemorating the last Tripos."

Possible presentment of candidate
for examination.

As to Self-Sufflciency.
I 'LL tell you of the boundless cheek
Of one of whom we 'd better speak
Under the sobriquet of James,
Because I hate inventing names.
This James conceived a craze or whim
That somebody had injured him,-
A man of whom we '11 speak as John,
For reasons lately touched upon.
By reason of his fancied woes
His indignation quickly rose,
Until it reached a point of rage
Too dire to easily assuage.
This state of mind of which we tell,
In our opinion could not well
Be better illustrated than
In this his treatment of the man:-
He pelted him with rotten eggs,
And pulled his hair, and broke his legs,
And hammered all his features flat,
And crumpled up his nice cravat,
And savagely removed his skin,
Foreclosed, and sent the brokers in,
Mixed aconite in all his grub,
And then blackballed him at the club,
And undermined his fair renown,
And kicked him when he'd knocked him down-
But what I 've said's enough to tell
He used him very far from well.
Then, having thus on fancied grounds
Exceeded moderation's bounds,
He found his deep imagined wrong
Had never happened all along.
He went to John that very day,
Determined in a manly way
To grant forgiveness, and be friends,-
Thus making most complete amends.
My conduct may have been unkind,"
He said to John; "but never mind;
I feel I have misjudged you-so
I now forgive you. You can go."
But John (who seemed to bear a grudge)
He hauled him up before a judge,
And there recited all the run
Of nasty things that James had done.
And, though poor James dilated on
The way he 'd up and gone to John,
And freely pardoned him for un-
Reflecting acts he 'd never done,

The Judge exclaimed, Upon our word,
This is the coolest thing we 've heard-
To rend a person limb from limb,
Then go and freely pardon him I"
Said James, indignantly surprised,
"Supposing I apologized,
Good gracious I it might be inferred
That I admitted having erred!"
Then said the Judge, "And can there be
Such glaring self-sufficiencee ?
With crushing scorn the Law will meet
Such base, presumptuous conceit!
We sentence you, with crime imbued,
To lengthy penal servitude;
And also beg to add to that
One hundred lashes with the cat."
When James had worked his sentence through,
And had his hundred lashes too,
The Law found out that all those games
Had not, in fact, been done by James.
And then, with all that noble grace
Which use and time can ne'er efface,
The Law benignly smiled, and so
Free-pardoned James, and let him go.

The Dangers of the Railway.
SIR,-It is my fortune to be stout, stolid, and elderly; but I do not
on that account regard my personal safety to be of any less value than
that of any other man. I have therefore observed with extreme disgust
that certain people are strongly advocating the employment of what they
call a "buffer carriage," to be attached to the ends of railway trains, so
as, in case of a collision, to minimize the danger to passengers in the
centre by means of the superior resisting powers of the extremities.
This is assuredly a most selfish proposal. For myself, I most distinctly
object to being offered up as a scapegoat on behalf of my thinner and
lighter neighbours, and I beg to give the railway companies due notice
that, unless they permit me to take my seat in the middle of the train,
I shall cease to travel on their lines. Please raise your powerful voice

in defence of that ill-used creature who, like your indignant correspon-
dent, comes under the category of "AN OLD BUFFER."

A Postal Drawback.
A POSTMISTRESS has been sentenced at Auxerre to a month's imprison-
ment and one hundred francs fine for reading the correspondence between
two engaged persons, and communicating the contents to an even greater
gossip than herself. The sentence would have been more severe had
there not been a finding of extenuating circumstances, though what these
were we do not know. Probably the Court considered that a "go-
between of some sort was almost inevitable in every love affair.

60 FU N. FEBRUARY 8, 1882.


care and thought over the part, and the result is

comedietta, A
Bed of Roses,
which now
opens the ball
at the Globe, is
an unpretend-
ing little piece,
pleasant, if not
brilliant, in
dialogue, and
interesting, if
not particularly
novel, in idea.
It provides Mr.
Wood with a
sketch of cha-
Sracter, giving
scope for his
skill in depict-
ing varied emo-
tions. The actor
has evidently
expended some
a very happy little

The little piece is well cast. Mr. Arthur Dacre makes a manly lover,
and Miss Goldney plays Dora very well. The young lady who (accord-
ing to the programme) is Miss Medwin in this piece and Miss Meredith
in the next, suffers from a curious insincerity of utterance and manner ;
she seems to try her best, too, so it's a pity.

I saw TheSquireat the St. James's the other night for the first time, and,
in spite of Mr. Pinero's quotations from Dr.Johnson and the "Tatler,"
I am compelled to join the army of the London critics (what a vast con-
spiracy against a rising young author, to be sure I-after the previous
encouragement they 'd given him too !-shameful !) in the opinion that
its resemblance to Mr. Hardy's "Far from the Madding Crowd" con-
stitutes the most remarkable coincidence of modern times.

That, however, is a dead horse, so I need say no more about it. The
Squire is a thoroughly good play, and after all is said and done, I 'm
afraid a general audience cares for very little beyond that. The agony
is rather too much drawn out, and the certainty that the invalid first
wife is sure to die is so obvious all through that it throws a sort of half
unreality over the distress consequent on her existence.

But these are all the faults I can find. Such performances as that of
Mrs. Kendal as Kate Verity, and, in a totally different way, that of Mr.
Macintosh as Gunnion, are worth going miles to see. Mr. Kendal has
greatly improved, too ; he has parted, I hope for ever, with an excessive
''self-consciousness which he once
,- possessed, and which was often
very distressing. All the parts
indeed are played with excellent
finish, down to the little bit of
character Robjohns, Jun., by
Mr. Brandon.

The Philharmonic Theatre
-'f has every appearance of having
come to life again. Opened
....n JIi: Aafter a thorough "clean up"
S and redecorate" (not by any
means before they were re-
quired) by Mr. L. Gordon, with
S ". a new drama of London life "
Sand the time-honoured bur-
(A_. -" > t-1 lesque of K'nilwvorth, it com-
menced well, and "Merrie Is-
lington" is crowding in as in
the early days of the popular
Genevieve de Bralant. In a
.THE GLOBE.-MIR. VsLLACOTT-"VFLL- modest speech Mr. Gordon
A-COTT 'EM AT LAST!" gave a reason for several short-
comings observable on the first
night, and his fortnight of preparation appears to have been a rather
'rocky one.

The principal piece of the evening, London Pride, which is from the

pens of Mr. Joseph Mackay and Mr. Gordon himself, is a favourable
specimen of its class. The story (which calls up genial recollections of

,,:t: "x ,ii, :!%

the great Tichborne Case) is not more weak, nor are the expedients
resorted to to bring the characters into familiar metropolitan districts
more arbitrary, than is usual in such pieces, while the dialogue is decidedly
above the average-generally good, and often clever. The blot on the
story is the insufficiency of motive for Agnes's flight-an ordinary young
woman would have at least waited to put on her bonnet, and would
probably have "walked up and down" in the street until her husband
came home.

The company is
rather a -mixture.
Mr. A. H. Forrest is
a capital gentlemanly
villain, and acts with
force without exag-
geration. Mr. Gor-
don makes what is
known as a "chival-
rouss" Jack, and Mr.
F. Desmond plays a -"t -
drunken old man
with great care and
success : there was a
good deal too much
of him on the first
night, but this seemed
to arise from a desire THE ST. JAt us's.-GUNNIOn AND GurNey 'uN.
on Mr. Desmond's
part to cover some lapses of memory around him-otherwise it was a
judicious and artistic performance of a kind of part generally vulgarized.

Miss Marie Lindon showed some versatility as Phoebe Weasel: her
sprightliness in the earlier scenes scarcely gave promise of the little bit
of impressive acting at the end, though she is a young lady who makes
her presence on the stagefelt, and that without anything like obtrusive-
ness. Miss Emily Nicholls made a quietly good Mrs. Miller. Miss
O'Malley should look to her make-up: those dark lines about the eyes
have a gro-
,', effect from
_"the front"
-caps a pains-
4'taking artist.
Miss D
W indall's
S idea of ex-
~ pressing pa-
thos is indi-
(OuR VERSISN). consists of
clasping her
hands, stretching forth her arms to full length and dropping her head
between them, and as she seems to regard all her speeches as pathetic
the result is curious. The gentleman who plays Zep Renshaw has also


FEBRUARY 8, 1882,


peculiarities (beyond those of his costume). Having found an American
accent knocking about Australia, like an honest man, he takes it home
to Mexico (though I think it belonged to the United States) and leaves
it there, borrowing a sort of Irish-Scotch one in its place (he has ap.
parently been born without one of his own).

The burlesque, which finishes Mr. Gordon's programme, came on so
late that I had only time to see that the management have a first-rate
singer in Miss Emily Nicholls, and a clever dancer and burlesque actress
(who has seen Miss Farren 1) in Miss Marie Lindon. May I give Mr.
Gordon a hint ?-it might be worth while to re-dress the burlesque.


The Royal Avenue Theatre opens in the first week in March with
Madame Favart, under the management of M. Marius. Let's hope
he '11 Avenuemerous audience.

A one-act adaptation, by Mr. Dion G. Boucicault, of Messrs. Besant
and Rice's novel, MTy Little Girl, is to be produced at the Court this
month. This being Mr. Boucicault's first attempt in the direction of
dramatic writing, will induce many people to keep a gooDion him.

Under the title of Manola, M. Lecocq's Le Jour et le Nuit will appear
at the Strand on Saturday. It is our old friend Box and Cox in dis-
guise; or perhaps I should say, Le Box and Lecocq's. NESTOR.

UNDERSTANDING that there has been a great increase in the number
of juvenile criminals, and thinking that this is due to defective training,
we have written the following hints, with a view to the rising generation
being properly brought up"-at the different police courts :-
Children are great nuisances, and should be treated as such. Do not
bother yourself to personally attend to them. A nurse, of course, is the
proper person, and children prefer the ways of servants.
Never refuse a child anything, because if you do he will cry, and that
will be annoying; besides, if you always let him have what he wants,
no matter what it is, he will think you so kind, and repay you in after
On the same principle you must never on any account correct a child ;
they none of them like it. If, however, it should be something so
flagrant that you are tempted to say you will punish it, the promise
will be quite sufficient. They never notice whether parents keep their
word or no.
Whenever a boy is found committing little acts of peculation, such as
'taking pennies, and some horrid frump of a relative is about to point
out the enormity of such a thing, immediately say, "Oh, never mind,
it's only a penny or two."
In the event of the child having an aged grandmama with an afflic-
tion, and the young gentleman is able by small tortures to make her
ludicrous in her agony, mind and let him hear you say, He was very
amusing with poor grandmama."
On any occasion when any of his aunts or uncles shall be bold enough
to interfere on account of some rudeness of which he may have been
guilty, you will of course say out loud, "Isn't he smart, the young
rascal ?"

THE Session's going to open, boys, let's give a goodly cheer
To Gladstone and to Harcourt, and to Forster, if he's here;
To Chamberlain and Charley Dilke, likewise to Henry James,
And Hartington, and other lords with great historic names,
And every man of office, out or in the Cabinet,
That crowd upon St. Stephen's floor, and glad that they have met
After the long vacation, strong and hearty here they come,-
The working and the talking men, the bounceable and dumb.
We cannot mention all the men that we would like to name,
But when they read these lines they 'll know we mean it all the same;
Yet two or three we'll just jot down as leaders in their way,-
First Wilfrid Lawson comes with his jocose teetotal play;
There's Bright, the veteran good and true, that fills his wonted place;
Macliver, of the Campbell blood, and worthy of his race;
There's Fawcett, Holms, and Brassey, a sailor to a T,
He sits among the Civil Lords of the Ad-mi-ral-a-ty.
Sam Morley, sent from Bristol town an honoured place to fill,
And Thomas Chambers carrying the Dead Wife's Sister's Bill;
There 's Childers, he 's the Sec. of War, to manage those that fight
He should be here: the Bradlaugh cause may claim the opening night.
We say no word about Parnell, the hero of a day,
And some of his "bould talking boys," that cannot get away;
But 'mong the many good and true that love their country's cause,
They may get on without them in the making of the laws.
Then on the Opposition side, how shall we count the host
Of all these country gentlemen we see here at their post ?
We 'll mention only Northcote, who is here to bear the brunt,
And Churchill, like a bantam, who comes strutting to the front.
Now to the Queen's "right well-beloved, my lords and gentlemen"
That come from busy town, from garden home, and from the glen,
That come to labour late o' nights and bide their country's call,
We greet you with a ringing cheer and wish "God speed to all.

The Licensed Victualler's Almanac will be of most use to those for
whose use it is mostly prepared-the licensed victuallers.
The Era Almnanac (Edward Ledger). There is no trickery about this,
except the trick of doing a thing well; it is no slight-off-hand affair,
although undoubtedly "Ledger "-de-main.
Patience Programme (D'Oyly Carte). A sumptuously got-up and
richly covered programme, with illustrations to commemorate the "long
run of Patience. It is also an evidence that those who put their faith
in Patience have been rewarded in the "long run."
"Fables by G. Washington, Tsop, and Bret Harte" (E. Hamilton).
This is a book to get many a Harte(y) laugh out of; the fables are very
funny, so are all the illustrations, which it is only right to state are by
F. S. Church.
"Strange Dwellings." By the Rev. J. G. Wood (Longmans, Green,
and Co.). A glance at these "strange dwellings" so cunningly con-
structed by the so-called lower creatures, almost startles our "five wits."
There seems to be something in the "instincts" of the smallest insects,
birds, and animals, that is far above the human "intelligence to com-

Scent-Valentine's Day.
MR. RIMMEL is again in the field with a fresh crop of valentines-
bright as the daisies, blooming as the roses, scented as the violets, and
will be welcomed as the flowers in May. Go there for yours-I have
for mine-choose Rimmel's for your valentine.
S. Hildesheimer and Co.'s "valentine samples," "Easter samples,"
and "birthday samples" are wonderful "ex(s)amples" of art-work-
manship, in endless variety of subject, admirably suited for the purpose
intended, printed in glowing colours," and embossed on cards ; it is
just on the cards we speak of them everywhere in glowing terms."

What next ?
AT Marlborough Street Police Court, a gentleman has drawn Mr.
Newton's attention to the recklessness of cab-drivers in Regent Street,
when that magistrate said to him, I wish you had been here half an
hour ago; those cabmen are even more insolent to me here than they
are to you outside." This is indeed sad. What a pity it is that some one
cannot be got to speak to them, and show them how very wrong it is to
behave so to a helpless gentleman like Mr. Newton. Of course, if he
were able to take his own part, it would not matter; but to bully a
defenceless individual like a magistrate is awfully atrocious.

AW To CORRESPONDRNTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pav for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

62 FUN. FiFBRUARY 8, 1882

Johnny (whose Uncle has got them a Boxfor thePantomime).-" I SAY, UNCLE, IS IT A LARGE BOX?"

A WIDOW, aged forty, applied to the Lambeth magistrate last week
for advice. She was to have been married on the previous Thursday to
a young man, but when the morning came the young man didn't,
although she had previously lent him eight pounds. Mr. Chance
advised her to think no more about it. Our advice is that she should
think a good deal of it, and remember the next time she gets engaged
that it is not customary for the lady to make advances.
It is said that great surprise was manifested in Court when the sen-
tence on Mr. Skillings was known to be but eighteen months. We
cannot see what there was to be surprised at. The crime was one of
a most horrible and revolting nature, consequently the punishment was
sure to be nominal. No one gets penal servitude for any time nowa-
days without they steal a turnip or something similar.
The Marquis of Bute has given Io,ooo towards the proposed uni-
versity for South Wales, which makes I8,ooo subscribed towards the
50,000ooo wanted. This is as it should be. A university ought to get
on by degrees, ______
A HINT TO THE SCHOOL BOARD.-Increase the staff, but decrease
the stick-the use of it, at least.

THE Oil for delicate "PERFECTED"
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Price One Shilling; fost-free, Is. 2a.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
"' Dick Boulin' is entirely free from vulgarity, or from aught that can be said to be
objectionable "-Piublic Opinion.
"The book opens with a capital sketch of coach travelling as it was some five-and-
twenty or thirty years ago."-Pictorial World.
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."-Reynolds's.
Enlarged to 24 pages, with a
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The whole in an Attractive Cover, Price S I X P E N C E.

Cocoa thickens in COC A
the cap, it proves
the addition of
Starch. ESSE E EI

Lone'--i: Piecd by Dalziel B-. ers, at their Crmde= Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Provnetors) by T. Moffitt. at s~5 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday February P. rSt'

FEBRUARY 15, 1882


I ii.

N the early ages of the world, long
before the introduction of corsets
or boots, red noses or corns, when
costume was, in fact, of that ex-
tremely elementary and unfashion-
able description usually supplied

<^ ..( it St. Valentine's Day, for the ami-
able old saint hadn't at that time
come into the calendar-or exist-
ence either. But he'd noticed,
this ancient party had-and in
A. ,, calling him an ancient party" I
__'V N allude much more to the period he
lived in than to his age, which was
about twenty-two- this ancient
party had noticed that birds always
paired at a certain time of the year,
and he thought it would be a good
S /' idea tor men and women to do the
same. When he bruited his idea
abroad it met with much success-
several unmarried-from-no-fault-of-their-own people declared it to be a
good idea, so it was put into practice at once.

THE first idea had been to let every male choose a sweetheart for
himself for the year (this was in the Golden Age, when females had no
voice in such matters). The plan worked badly from the first, however,
-so many fellows would choose the same girl, and so many girls had no
choosers at all, that complications arose, words arose, and (on some
foreheads) bumps arose. As long as people remained in the semi-savage
state peculiar to the Golden Age, though, these little peculiarities were
disregarded; but as civilization advanced and refinement grew, a change
in the conditions became necessary.
AT the suggestion of a brilliant genius (for there are brilliant geniuses,
or genii, in all ages) each person had his or her name written on a piece
of paper and put into two bags, the males into one, and the females into
another. Then they each drew a name from the bag of the opposite sex
(this was in the Silver Age, when males and females were on equal terms),
and the person whose name was so drawn became the sweetheart of the
drawer for the year. This system was also subject to complications.
Every male drawing a female was, of course, also liable to be drawn
himself by some other female. The interesting question then rose,
whose sweetheart was he ? It often became apparent how varied are the
ideas of duty. The man who had drawn a pretty girl and been drawn
by a plain one, held himself bound by his own act only, and turned to
the former, while the man whose case was the reverse held that there
was a fate in these things," and no man had a right to oppose his own

vain acts to the decrees of chance. Often a man who had drawn a
beauty and been drawn by another would have such a fine sense of his
obligations that he would devote himself equally and assiduously to
both, while the man whom fortune had attached to a pair of plain
maidens would feel it so clearly his duty not to exceed by a hair's-
breath in his devotion to one above the other, that he carefully and
entirely avoided the company of either, lest he should be led into error.

BUT the spirit of change attacked the ceremonies once more (that
poor old St. Valentine had blundered into the calendar by this time, on
the day set apart for these festivities, and they called it St. Valentine's
Day); it was arranged that the young men should solicit the young
ladies by letter to be their valentine, and the young ladies should take
their choice (this was in the Copper Age, when the female was in the
ascendant). The young sparks, to make their letters more attractive,
would write on lace-edged paper, and draw devices and write verses,
until the letter gradually disappeared, and nothing but the verses
devices, and lace paper remained.

UP to this time all had been solemn and serious, but suddenly some
one sent a waggish letter instead of the usual verse-a plump little boy
dressed in butterflies' wings, and a torch or bow and quiver, gold and
silver (this was in the Tinsel Age, when nobody and nothing had any
recognized position). The notion took. Next year there were twenty
waggish letters, next seventy-three, in the following two hundred and
forty-seven, and so on until seriousness was driven from the field, and
St. Valentine's Day, like everything else before or since, came under
the direct dominion of fun ; in fact, as every one declares-the greatest
and the least-" St. Valentine is FUN."

A Nominal Grievance.
CETEWAYO is to be accompanied to England by Ugcongeuana,
Ugobozana, Urgamzeni, and Mkuyana. If not too late, we hope our
Government will insist on his ex-Majesty's companions leaving their
heathen patronymics behind them. With any other names they'd swell
his suite just the same, and would not be received with that "pro-
nounced" prejudice and dislike which would, if they came unchristened,
be manifested.

A Mis-star-ious Term.
WE do not think the term "star prisoners is a good one to apply
to convicts who are in a prison for the first time ; for stars, so far from
reforming early, all scin-til-late !" Stay, though, perhaps it is the
"star" as used at pool that is meant; and that would be expressive,
for it would imply that the prisoners thus "starred" still had the chance
of "another life" before them.

The I"-dea!
"BLIND as a bat" is an old saying which a correspondent tries to
pooh pooh, because he insists that he knows the "vampire bat" can see
its victims. Quite so; but then the proverb could not have alluded to
a bat with an evident "i" about it like the vampire.

VOL. XXXV.-No. 875

64 FUN. FEBRUARY 15. 1882.



A VALENTINE I A valentine I
Who shall be my valentine ?
Say, is it Maud, or merry Bell ?-
Now close your eyes to guess and tell
Who in the game shall draw a prize
For sunny smiles and laughing eyes?-
Say, who shall have a posie gay,
And be my valentine to-day ?
A valentine Who shall be mine ?
And all the wreaths of fancy twine
Around my path and by the way,
And make a sunshine holiday ?
Come, Bell or Maud, and sing to me
The sweetest songs of minstrelsie,
And be my love, my lady fine,
A life-long laughing valentine.

(Picked up in Lincoln's Inn,)
Ern jfly lig o Court of ~I~Ie1tt
Between EDWIN HOPEFUL . Plaintiff
S ctllus by universal consent of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
Little Britain Ireland and everywhere else Queen Defender of the
Faithful to Angelina Coldheart of Maiden Lane in the City of London
Ec command you that within eight days after service of this writ upon
you inclusive of the day of such service you cause an appearance to be
entered for you in an action at the suit of Edwin Hopeful of Bachelor's
Row in the said City attl take notice that in default of your so doing
the Plaintiff may proceed therein and judgment be given in your absence
wMitness St. Valentine Lord High Chancellor of Everywhere this 14th
day of February 1882
The Plaintiffs claim is as follows
I To recover a valuable peace of mind alleged to have been taken
from him by the said Defendant
2 For specific performance of a lover's contract entered into by the
said Defendant
3 An injunction to restrain the said Defendant from entering into
a similar contract with any other fellow
TSjii writ issued by Lovey Dovey and Co. of Love Lane whose
address for service is Over the Garden Wall solicitors for the said
Plaintiff who resides at Bachelor's Row aforesaid but hopes to altar
same shortly.
tjifs EUrit was served by the Postmaster-General.

Then in swaggered the Law. "Haw !" it said, pompously; "there are two fellows named Clowes and Johns- "I know," interrupted FUN. "Ah, well."
continued the Law, I want some kind of valentine-nice, condescending, self-complacent thing-to send to them, intimating that I-ahl-pardon them and permit
them to- Let me advise this design as much more appropriate, forwarded with your humble and remorseful apologies," said FIN.

av -"

Then the Home Secretary came in. "Let me have a threatening, severe sort of valentine to send to the Salvation Army, prohibiting them to march because the roughs-"
"Pooh !" replied FUN, "send it to the roughs instead, just to show you are not afraid." The Home Secretary muttered something about calling again another day.

66 FU N FEBRUARY 15, 1882.

Clara (who hasn't had one).-" WHAT, FROM THAT ODIOUS, NASTY

Mr. Fun's Valentines.
AND FUN he got up on St. Valentine's Day,
And settled to work on the annual "lay,"-
The sending of valentines, various kinds,
Adapted unto the recipient minds.
To Guiteau, assassin, "foul, noisesome, and rank, '
He sent off a drawing-a sketch of a crank ;"
To Harcourt, who's sailing, they say, on the tack,
He packed off some wool, which he placed in a sack;
To Monsieur Gambetta, dejected and triste,
List slippers to look at-a Scrutin de Liste;
To Northcote he sent off a Westcote-a strait "-
For stopping Lord R. "going wide of debate ;"
To Manning, Tait, Morley, the Manxmen's motto,-
Which runs Triajuncta in uno," you know;
He sent to the feverish Arabi Bey
Some things in the Hush-a-by-baby "-ing way;
To Gladstone a lozenge, whose virtue is known
To add to the vigour of this gay lad's tone;
An oakum-tar crown fashioned by an adept
To Chamberlain, King of the Caulkers yclept;
To Forster, whose Saxon has hampered his start,
A "brogue" to walk into the Paddywhack heart;
He sent to the Member for Westminster, Smith,
A Liberal colleague to hamper him with;
To Ellis, our May'r, whom so many abuse,
A guinea, L.S., for the fund for the Jews ;
To Parliament, wordy, dull, wanting in style,
He thinks about sending-himself for awhile.

A Mild Compliment,
COME, play to me, dearest; I long to be carried
Away from our universe over the stars.
I think, from the day when we madly got married,
You scarce have indulged me with eight little bars.
With talent like yours 't is a shame and a pity
That I should be grudged the display of such pow'rs;
And yet, while your husband 's away in the City,
The children assert that you're at it for hours.
There, play as I bid you : it makes me so lonely
To brood after dinner with nothing to do.
We could never try whist with a pair of us only;
Besides, I am hardly much better than you.
I've books by the dozen, but find that they bore me;-
For some are so flippant, and some are so deep.
What a fit of depressions I feel coming o'er me 1
Do play, there's a darling, and send me to sleep.


WHEN the Session of 1882 was ushered in-Black Rodded in, perhaps,
is the correcter term-on the 7th of February, there was no need for
heralds to go about singing Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men,
for 't is our opening day ; nor was any quasi-theatrical notice, such as
"Come early-secure your seats," at all requisite. Many a merry
Honourable Member, who is unused to rising much before noon, had
long ere that digested his first meal, and hosts of them had taken the
sage precaution of securing their seats in the House of Commons before
the clock struck one; which latter feat being achieved by depositing
their hats in the places where they wished to sit, a few glossy new
"chimneypots" somehow became exchanged in a way that almost
amounted to robbery. But, taken all round, the hats were too shabby
to be easily lost; a fact which might puzzle an intelligent foreigner, but
which shows that our legislators have at least acquired some degree of
wisdom. There are tales to the effect that over nine dozen breakfasts
were served in the luncheon-room, and that some specially-imported
barbers did a roaring trade in shaving in the library. Be that as it may,
the benches were certainly crowded with living forms (query, could forms
be crowded with living benches?) when, about the ,esthetic hour of 2.2
P.M., Black Rod summoned Mr. Speaker and as many other of the
faithful Commons as could squeeze themselves into the adjoining
chamber, before the Lords Commissioners. Then the Queen's Speech
was read, and as everybody knew all about it before, everybody was
vastly interested, and promptly dispersed to meditate thereon.
When the Speaker resumed the chair at 4 o'clock a grand crowd had
assembled in expectation of a "scene," nor were they exactly disap-
pointed. By the way, Parliament of to-day seems to differ from that of a
generation ago as much as ancient tragedy differs from modern burlesque.

Once on a time the Session comprised several Acts and only one scene ;
now it is wont to comprise several scenes but only one Act. Mr. Brad-
laugh once more claimed to take the oath as Member for Northampton,
but notwithstanding the fierceness of his oratory, and the support offered
him by the Government with a view to preventing a rumpus, he was
denied his wish by a heavy vote of 286 against 228, and by retiring
after a protest when ordered so to do judiciously saved his coat-tails for
another occasion. Then the Irish contingent raised a question of privi-
lege concerning sundry imprisoned patriots, but Mr. Gladstone cared
nought for their impertinences, and they were squashed more quickly
than might have been hoped for.
As for the debates on the Queen's Speech itself, in both Houses the
Opposition picked very little holes in it, and in both Houses the mover
and seconder of the address were highly complimented on the ability, etc.,
etc., they had displayed (just as if there ever was a mover or seconder
who did not display ability, etc., etc.!); but the Lords polished off their
debate in one sitting, while the Commons had not finished theirs in three,
thereby proving that they may not yet be extravagantly recommended
for "quickness and dispatch."

Ve Patience" and Too-too" valentines by Albert Gray, and the
hand-painted valentines executed by ladies at their own homes upon
porcelain cards. The former are replete with variety, display, and no
small amount of comic humour; the latter show great delicacy of
workmanship and some artistic ability.
"Down the River." Words by Launce Lee (from "Hood's Annual'),
Music by Henry J. Edwards. Tuneful music to tuneful words.


(See Cartoon.)
0 COME with me, my Princess fair,
In Britain's Isle a home to share;
Nor shall that home too humble be
For royal folks like you and me.
Behold I am a Colonel now
(Although I scarce know why or how),
And therefore feel a martial pride
In doing bravely for my bride,-
Who ought to hold an equal place
With others of the ruling race.
I would not have you, love, embark
On keeping house in Bedford Park;
To take a flat in any street
Of London fame were scarcely meet;
Nor would I willingly resort
To claiming rooms at Hampton Court.
Yet while I think of bills to pay,
See, Cupid fondly paves the way :
Though not with flowers, as of old,
But little heaps of shining gold.
What if the coin that aids this whim
Was earned by others, not by him?
What if a pliant people fills
His bag ? 'T is ours to pay our bills.
And so, my sweet, things being thus,
That Cupid is the boy for us.


THOU'RT no king-fisher! Be a finch's love-
The sort of finch to take a Nell, I wis.
A gold-finch, vide in the nest above,
In medio tutissimus Ibis,
My arms shall curlew round. Please be my darling.
My little guiding star, oh, be my starling I
Birds in their little feathered nests agree,
But you may do it quite as well outside-
Agree to share my little nest with me ;
A dove, become a ringed dove and my bride 1
Titmouse, my heart on yours I set it,-pin it,
There's not a little linnet but you w in it.

FU '1N .--FEBRUARY 15, 1882.


9/ ~


Ii'-cu1 iii ,a.a& zo a a 0 0 a


*. ^^. *

FEBRUARY 15, 1882. FUN'T 7I


FLOW'RS, sunshine, and songs divine,
Tho' the year is young, we have had them all ;
Shall I weave them into a valentine,
My lady's love to enthral?
Dress, folly, and fabrics fine,
Pads, powders, and curls, and a crinolette,
Would make a satirical valentine,
And put my dove in a pet!
Rimmel's shop is a golden mine,
With scents and fans, and the sweetest of gloves;
A musical-box for a valentine,
Or the perfumed soap she loves ?
Nay, but wreathed with the rose and vine,
I will send her my own (nay, do not laugh),
My pictured charms for a valentine,
My face, in a photograph !

Different Views of Valentines.
VALENTYNES is-bosh, speshully pretty ones. Ugli ones is better;
you can have lots of fun sometimes with them. It's a prime lark.send-
ing one to skulemaster, and him opening of it 'fore all the bois. It's
larks, too, to send one to the big boi in the skule as is alwase a lickin'
of you, only you gets a jolly good hidin' from him bimebi, you bet.
That ain't no odds, though, 'cos you'd get the hidin' all the same if you
didn't send no valentyne at all. As for sending them things full of 'arts
and darts, and floures and herds, and kupidds and all that, to gerls, it's
rot. You don't see 'em when they get 'em, and you don't have no fun
nor nothing. I shall never send a valentyne to a girl, becos' I 'd rather
spend the munni for kokernuts, and shi the shels at her.
As for the gerls that send them to us bois, I think they must be
sillikins. What's the use of 'em, I should like to know ? You can't
eat 'em, you can't play with 'em, nor you can't swop 'em, nor nothing.
If ever a gerl sent me one, and I node who she was, I'd send her a
uggli one back, and the first time I sor her I'd hit her and send her
hoam cryin'.
Isn't this a spiteful, wicked, ill-conditioned boy? And the worst of
it is, there are lots like him.
OH I I do love valentines, I do Nice pretty ones, of course, I mean,
all lace and ribbons, and gold and silver flowers and leaves, and dear
little tiny birds, and little boys with wings and wreaths on, shooting
with bows and arrows. I don't care so much about the poetry, because
I don't always understand it; but it's very nice, -I dare say. I do so
love to look at the shop windows full of, oh such beautiful, sweet,
lovely valentines; but it always makes me so sorry because they are so
expensive, and I have only such a tiny tiddy purse, and, oh I such a
little money in it, and though I save and save it up for ever so long, I
never get enough to buy the valentines I like best. If I had as much
money as papa, I 'd buy a whole shop full, but I wouldn't send them:all
away. I'd keep the very prettiest for myself, because I do love them so.

I think it's very stupid they are only sent once a year, and wonder
why they can't be sent oftener, or at least on one's birthday, as well as
in February. Then I should get more, instead of only having two or
three about Valentine's Day. I don't know what I should do if I
didn't get them. I knew a girl once who bought a dear little valentine,
and lent it to another girl to post it to her, but she went and sent it to a
boy. Wasn't she a nasty deceitful thing ? I wouldn't have spoken to
her again if she had served me so. To be sure the other girl hated her,
and sent her a horrid, frightful valentine, and it served her just right.


"/ ..: .

AIR--"How do lYou Like London ?"
THE other day I sallied out,
And caught upon his way
An Echo boy to sing about
The topics of the day;
He seemed to be a knowing lad,
Although he was but young;
He'd read his Echos through, he had,
And this is what he sung :-
"How do you like London? how do you like Town?
And how do you like Westminster now Parliament is 'down '?
How do you like the Bradlaugh case, its motions, votes, and such ?
How did you like the Royal Speech, and did it hurt you much ?
"If ever from the Thames you try
To view the Tower hoar,
You'll find the view impeded by
A governmental store.
The First Commissioner (I'm blest I)
I Will earn a vast renown;
He means to do his level best
To have those buildings down.
" How do you like London? how do you like Town?
And are there other buildings there you'd lose without a frown ?
How would you like your monuments in that' Lefebvre's clutch?
How would you like your Griffin down, and would it hurt you much?
"They want a park at Paddington,
And, if they have a site,
To generously give them one
Would only be polite;
In London's vast metropolis,
Where people hive and seethe,
To grant a small request like this
Enables them to breathe.
" How do you like London ? how do you like Town ?
How do you like defective drains ? and houses falling down ?
How do you like the people packed like rabbits in a hutch ?
How do you like contagion spread, and does it hurt you much ?
"King Cetewayo soon I see
Will start across the main;
The case against Mackonochie
They mean to try again ;
The Fates the Irish Leaguers' still
To stay in quod condemn,
Ent we'd a 'meet' on Tower Hill
To sympathize with them.
"How do you like London? how do you like Town?
How do you like defiant priests? and darkies we've done brown?
How do you like Land Leaguers' friends? your feelings do they touch?
How do you like their sympathy, and does it hurt you much?"


HOUGH I have
no. doubt (could
I presume to ?)
r that in the
"palmy days" of
\ the drama, be-
-fore its present
woful decline,
The School for
Z j "-- Scandal was
better played and
mounted than it
Sis at the Vaude-
ville at present,
n oI beg leave to
doubt that such
has been the
case for many a
year past. The
strength of the
cast is scarcely
in o r e striking
SOW HOW THEY CANmXNGE-R. ciousness. Who,
for instance, ever
hitherto paid much attention to the troubles of that (apparently) shadowy
young person, Maria? Yet in the hands of a sympathetic performer
like Miss Alma Murray the part assumes character and prominence,
giving quite a new zest to the story, in which it takes its proper position.
In one or two instances, too,
personal peculiarities in the per-
formers seem to specially adapt ,
them for the parts which have I '
fallen to their lot. The peculiar i
drawling emphasis of Mrs. Can- 11
ninge's elocution (she is a tho-
roughly good actress in spite of the
slight artificiality this mannerism -
gives to all she does) is exactly
suited to Lady Sneerwell, and Mr.
Lin Rayne's wriggly style seems
natural to the part of Sir Benjamin
The Sir Peter of Mr. W. Far-
ren, the Charles Surface of Mr.
Henry Neville, and the Moses of -
Mr. E. Righton are all pretty well i M
known-they retain all their ex- is a
cellencies, with perhaps added a
little of that extra care and ease --
in performance which generally THE VAUDEViLLE.-SAD AND MURRAY.
comes to the good actor who finds
himself well backed up by other
good actors. Mr. Frank Archer's Joseph is a finished and well studied
portrayal of that wily one, and Mr.
Thorne's Crabtree is as drily hu-
last Vaudeville revival. Mr. Mac.
pjlean is a good Sir Oliver, and Mr.
Wilford Morgan is engaged for the
Part of Sir Harry Bumper (with
Among the ladies, Mrs. Arthur
Stirling carries off high honours:
never was the gentle Candour hit
off in more lively colours, or her
"scandal" given with more telling
effect. Miss Ada Cavendish alone
of all the cast disappointed me;
*her acting in the earlier scenes was
restless and superficial in the ex-
treme-indeed, up to her disco-
very behind the screen, this Lady
Teazle, to my mind, was simply
pert, feather-brained, and feeling.
THEVAUDEVILLE.-QUITERENWRIGGLEI less; but the quiet dignity and
pathos of Miss Cavendish's acting
from this point to the end of the scene could hardly be surpassed.

This probably proves the actress more at home with pathos than
humour; but mightn't it be worth while trying to make something of

',i.,, ,,-:. ^ ISi^ ,"^,,


those earlier scenes ? Mightn't there be some suggestion of tenderness
or respect for Sir Peter on Lady Teazle's part amid all her raillery and
teasing ?
The scenery.and dressing of the
stage for the revival, which is
very good, if occasionally over-
elaborated, has been executed by
some well-known upholstery firms
(and the programme doth" indeed
"give them bold advertisement,"
giving them also-precedence over
such minor personages as Messrs.
Walter Hann and Bruce Smith, who
are only scenic artists). Lady Sneer-
well's drawing-room has a washy
look, but that is perhaps not un-
characteristic of the period; and
Charles's sumptuously-appointed **,/ i
rooms are not more so than the
young gentleman's character for
extravagance would warrant; but
a still small voice within will whis-
per that even he would hardly be
guilty of the extravagance (in
more senses than one) of hanging
pictures over tapestry.
But the library scene is undoubt- BE SURPASSED.
edly the most successful and strik-
ing. The warm tone of the brown panelling and generally old-world aspect
that pervades
it, unobtrusive
in its details, --
stamps it with
an air of reality -
which isdelight- 1
fully pleasant,
and which Mr.
Alfred Thomp-
son's tasteful
dresses serve
greatly to en-
hance. Decid- :
edly this revival '
is a thing to be
seen, especially
by those who
think they have
seen The School
for Scandal be-
fore. The Ly-
ceum manage-
ment will have





A Ad



I. The Girl of the Period.
2. For a Butcher.
3. For another one who thinks himself a
4. For a Ritualistic Martyr.

_I r__u_ _,1 I_ I_ _1_I
5. The Pretty One. Yes or No? "
6. For a prominent French Minister.
7. For a Young Politician.
8. For a certain Cabinet.
o. A noble .Esthete.

10. For broken-down Justice.
Ii. With apologies to Madame Tassaud and
12. For a certain M.P.
13. For Dr. F.

f To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor ddes not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pav for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied iby a stamped and directed envelope.

74 FU

Vl i

ruon merry sixteen Cupid's taper's just lit, For Love comes diFgu
For sage forty in socket 't is guttering ; suit,
The postman's rat-tat stirs each short-frocked Treating hearts like th
young chit, When St. Valentine ai
And it sets e'en staid Propriety flut- shoot,
tering. By the help of a lace-

A SERVANT named Emma Widdows has been charged with annoying
the Salvation Army. It would be well, or we should say Weller, for the
army to remember that gentleman's advice, and "beware of Widdows "
When the extremely severe sentences on the rioters at the East end
political meeting were made known, the wives anT relatives outside the
Court presented a most affecting scene, wringing their hands and weeping
bitterly. It is nonsense to say we can but pity these innocent sufferers."
A subscription for their relief is perfectly possible.
A Mr. Perry, described as of good social position, has been sentenced
by Sir Sydney Waterlow to seven days' imprisonment with hard labour
for kissing a married lady at Liverpool Street Statiin. The motto on
his valentine ought to be When other lips."

A "Cure"-ious Case.
THE appointment of the Rev. Doctor Strachan, "M.D.," to the
Bishopric of Rangoon is the first instance we have noticed of a medical
man giving up the cure of bodies to superintend a wholesale "cure of

ised in a post-office "Who, who is it for ?" cries each eager-tongued
e commonest crockery, Of a match, dear, St. V. is the true maker!'
ds him his arrows to And the page boy responds, "Lor you won't
ordered mockery. care for this,
bordered mockery. 'T is a dun for your pa from the shoemaker!"

Price One Shilling ; post-free, Is. 2:1.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
Dick Bouin is entirely free from vulgarity, or from aught that can be said to be
objectionable "-Public Opin iorz.
"The book opens with a capital sketch of coach travelling as it was some five-and
twenty or thirty years ago "-Pictorial World.
"A very amusing sto-y of old coaching times."-Reynolds's.

Enlarged to 24 pages, with a

A decided Novel'y in Ilustrated journalism,.
The whole in an Attractive Cover, Price S I X P E N C E.

The 0rginal and only
B IGenuine produces delicious
Established 183;.

o. USTARD cr.oNi; ft
Mifre.,! ni. t B I B; cnris in I
POWDER Vao-jhirm te j -ra ESSENCEi
odtdress, iot-lree, "PASTRY AND SWEE rS"-A Little' ll ad i. t t lie l' -i l", spurt. tl IJ',ts being StAr
Work containing 1'rac1 cal intt and Orinal cciix fir i..ci li3 ci i rili .. ti 1 i ;t ,!..] s r irled A orie -|R III 0L II-I l RrFRE UINBG I I
Tasty Disis for tihe Dinner and upper ablo. 7' iiti.l I. I ctirtlt-r lic. 7 -t in.;, t ,ll11 R I I I. 1 U LUBLE 11-1 RF RESOHINGlli I I "

FEBRUARY 22, 1882. *F1UI TN. 75


"On Saturday, the
Came the Great Chief Alb.ha Ted-wah,
With his braves, Knols, Tur-ree-Twil-sing,
To the Savages, their wigwam.
Rose to meet them, gave them welcome :
Kun-lee Fow-en, grey with honour,
Grey with honour, great at pow-pow;
Rose the Saganaws, Ker-mitt-tee :
Bent them low before the Great Chief.
Teg-eet-my-ah, medicine man, rose :
Rose the braves, the scouts, the young men,
Rose the singers-story tellers,
Cunning men with brush and pencil I
Warriors who their foes with pens pierce :
Fam'd in many a field of inkshed,
Droo-gai, swift of foot, keen-sighted,
An-dah-sonn, surnam'd "Senn-tenn-shus,"
Irr-veen-prophet, vision-seer :
Rose-their homage paid the Great Chief.
Many wise men, many witt-ee,
There assembled, all did honour
Him, the Great Chief, Alb-ha Ted-wah.

nith instant, H.R.H. the Prince of Wales dined with the members of the Savage Club.

Came the banquet; great the feasting,
And the talking multitudinous.
Then, with voice like rippling water
Making music through the stillness,
Then with words both gracious, graceful,
Alb-ha Ted-wah did palaver :
Won all hearts with speech so silvern-
Silvern, modest, manly, pleasant !
Wav'd his hosts their banquet banners,
Rent the wigwam with their shouting ;
With their shouting then proclaimed him
Of their tribe an honour'd Chieftain.
Then came festal songs and stories.
Lall-Bruff-ha-ha, son of Laff-tah,
Foll-ee-Tool-ha Mag-ee-stray-tis,
GrO-Smee-mocking bird fantastic,
Rad-kleef, Bar-reet, Pans with wood pipes,
Mai-breek, lusty lung'd, melodious,
Mat-ti-son-tis, Leetee-lee-ro,
Klak-Stan-Drew, Har-geet, and Ben-deen,
Pal-ton, An-son, Mak-leen, PI-at,

H8-dell, Proc-taw (Mis-tree, Antik),
Dft-vee-vee-ah, Fran-cO Mar-sal,
Dray-pah, Boys, Fer-nan-dez, Chell-ee,
Wal-shawm, Powlees, So-deen, Nee-kols,
Jo-hann Fah-mah Harr6-vee-an,
Drew their long-bows, shot their arrows,
Shook all sides, all hands rewarded.
Ne'er were held such great rejoicings;
Hand-in-hand danc'd mirth with pleasure.
On the bark in Savage" wigwams,
Is the story writ for ever,
Writ for ever is the story
Of the Great Chief Alb-ha Ted-wah,
Alb-ha Ted-wah, Savage Chieftain;
How he sware long-lasting friendship
With the braves and with the craftsmen,
With the Savages Lan-kas-treen;
How he smok'd the pipe of peace there,
Drank the sparkling Mumm fire-water.
May Manitto bless this compact,
Savage Warriors-Alb-ha Ted-wah.

More Polar Severity. A Casus Belle-i.
MORE injustice to Poland We find on inquiry that all the Polish "THE professional beauty is put upon her mettle," writes a society
revenue is raised by imposts of the most objectionable kind. In short, journal. Her "belle-mettle," we presume; and, if so, the chances are
every tax the unfortunate inhabitants pay is a "Pole tax that some one will eventually "ring" her.

THE BURGLAR'S FAVOURITE COLOUR.-The Invisible Blue, who A "LIGHT" PARADOx.-Talking about the "paraffin "-alia of an
is never to be seen when he's wanted, electric lamp.

VOL. XXXV.-NO. 876.

76 FUTJN. FEBRUARY 22, l8S2.

NEW and "en-
tirely original"
play in four acts,
somewhat signi-
ficantlycalled (in
connection with
this description)
The Miracle, is
reported as hav-
ing been ac-
cepted by the
0Q3 tSurrey manage-
ment. It is from
the pen of the
gentleman who
screens himself
from public gaze
under the pseu-
donymof "Owl"
(the author of
Gerty). I trust
his piece will be
'.owly successful
for the sake of
"Owl lang syne "-and Messrs. Conquest and Merritt.

Meanwhile Mankind is in its proper place, occupying the Globe;
while 7he Green Lanes of England will be found in the Surrey neigh-
Mr. John O'Connor, the scene-painter, has been writing to Mr. John
O'Connor, the manager of the World's Fair at the Agricultural Hall,
ntreting him to change his Christian name. One name is, no doubt,
the "image" of the other, which is very good reason for one of the
;entlemen desiring to be simply O'Connor-classed.

Mr. W. S. Gilbert, if what is said be true, is evidently taking one of
his celebrated "Bab Ballads" as the basis of the plot of his next comic
opera-the fairy who married a mortal, and had a son half fairy, half
mortal, living amid the mortally throng. The theme will be elabo-
rated and solidified, of course, and, one may reasonably hope, extremely
funny-that is to say, if the humour is not wholesale, at least we may
expect a fair retail.
Builders of new theatres seem to be in luck's way just now-two of
the newest, one hardly finished, and the other hardly begun, are
threatened with extinction by railway companies requiring the sites.
And the compensation they will have to pay! Talk about the irony of
fate and enjoyable raillery !

Theatrical Lawyer (confronted by sudden. vision of Provincial Manager).-
" Hullo, Quisby! what are you doing in town? Pantomime a frost?"
Provincial Manager.-" Not a bit of it, dear boy; biggest go' I've had for years.
Had a police prosecution. The fact is, I 've just run up to town to see if I can't find
a bit of ground to build a theatre where a railway's likely to run through it."
The directors of the Crystal Palace Company propose building a
theatre outside the Palace building; if they carry out the plan (and the
theatre) it will not be the first time the audience at Sydenham has been
"put out "-the defective acoustic conditions of the present theatre
being a fruitful cause of discontent. People will, however, probably be
pleased enough to be outsiders under the proposed conditions.

A preposterous piece, called Destiny, was produced at a matinee at
the Globe on Thursday. It treats of the adventures of a stiff-legged
and heavily-spoken young gentleman, who (among other things)
amasses a fortune by fighting the Zulus. The springs of action are more
or less absurd all through, and a double surprise in the last act, though
dramatic, is so-to put it mildly-at the expense of probability. There
is a mother who, feeling that she is going to die, walks from town many
miles to do it, apparently. Mr. A. C. Hatton played an explanatory
old gentleman very fairly ; Mr. R. S. Boleyn played the usual polished
villain in the iron-grey wig and black moustache with praiseworthy
tact. Mr. W. E. Richardson deserves a special word for a very natural
delivery of a bit of pathos; Miss Carlotta Leclercq brought all her ex-
perience to bear most effectively; and Miss Clara Sidney, though very
nervous and short in the dress in the first act, improved in both respects
as the piece progressed.

Mr. E. Bucknall has written a new three-act comedy, to be produced
at the Richmond Theatre on Monday next. It is called fHeiress Hunt-
ing, and I hope there '11 be good sport. Fancy, heiress hunting I with
a Buck-'n'-all! -
Mr. Harris has made a fresh start with his pantomime Robinson
Crusoe, of which a "second edition has just commenced. There are

new dresses and even more gorgeousness, I believe, than ever ; this is
enterprise, and kudos and cash are certain to ac-crusoe. NESTOR,

IT is always a pleasant task to tell of the doings of the good and inno-
cent ; and although it is a very, very sad one to recount how temptation
and peril seem for a time to be about to overwhelm their naturally good
inclinations, yet how great a comfort must it be to the writer on moral
themes to set forth their subsequent escape from, or triumph over, the
evil influences, and their ultimate confirmation in those sound and virtuous
principles which must ever be to the upright mind a source of the truest
and most ineffable delight I
Let me tell in simple words, and without varnish or affectation, the
story of little Joey Phiddlestyx. He was born of solvent but virtuous
parents in the village of London. From the birth of little Joey, the first
aspiration of his parents was to train him with unremitting care and
anxiety in the paths of rectitude and innocence.
It was their dearest ambition to thoroughly inculcate in his infant
mind a knowledge of the Custom of the Trade-that great central piece
of knowledge, to be conversant with which is one and the same thing
with being upright, virtuous, modest, pious, beneficent, and all other
things worth the being. Let our little friends bear in mind and lay to
heart this one fact,-that the man who has thoroughly learned and
mastered the Custom of the Trade needs no other knowledge, no books
(except a day book, ledger, and one or two others), and no further guide
or preceptor whatever to enable him to be good, happy, and an orna-
ment to any circle in which he may move.
As soon as his baby fingers had learned to write, he was taught by
his devoted father to copy labels with pretty words on them, chief
among these being "Carlo Bergonzi, Cremona, fecit," "Straduarius,"
"Amattis fecit, anno "Jacobus Stayner," and so on.
So apt was the dear little fellow, that, ere he had .yet completed his
tenth year, he had learned to copy the very oldest labels, stains and
all, to such perfection, that it was impossible for the cleverest expert to
detect the frau-ahem !-eh-ha-dear me What very unseasonable
weather we are having, to be sure I Let me see, I was telling you the

FEBRUARY 22, 1882. F U N 77

story of little Joey. Well, when he had mastered the labels, his good "Hold hard," said the bad young man, "or else we shall have t.,
and watchful father carefully taught him to place them in new ten-and- advertise this ten-and-sixpenny Turner Straduarius business, eh ? "
sixpenny German violins. After this he was taught to rub down and How dare you speak of that as if it had anything in common with
stain the violins themselves until they looked old too; and this, too, he your wicked tricks?" screamed Joey. "It is not a swindle-it is the
quickly mastered, custom of the trade."
Joey was now growing up; and such had been his progress that he The bad young man had not a word to say, for he saw how cruelly
began to be pointed out to other boys as a model of what a good, simple, he had misrepresented the actions of one whose virtue he now perceived
upright young fellow should be. fully revealed.
No smoking penny pickwicks, nor drinking at bars, for him His Bad young man !" said Joey. I know you cannot look me in the
father, happy and peaceful in the knowledge of his boy's rectitude, face and tell me that the fraud-yes, FRAUD-which you have
decided that he might now instruct him in the higher branches of the attempted is the CUSTOM OF THE CUSTOMER? "
Custom. So he taught him how to face a customer and look as if the The bad young man hung his head-even he did not dare to tell a
ten-and-sixpenny violins belonged to the labels in them, and to refuse base wicked lie in the presence of the good Joey. He had learned a
to give a warranty without exciting suspicion, and to appear to lesson; he crept quietly out, resolved to use his influence among such
murmur "Carlo Bergonzi" or "Straduarius" or whatnot, without really customers as he knew with a view to working up the CUSTOM. So
doing so. we see that even the most depraved are capable, when shown the way
And when little Joey-not little now-had learned to do all this, he by the finger of virtue, of making attempts at reform,
was what all you, my young friends, should strive to be-an honest,
simple, unpretending Christian. There's a good thing to strive after I
And now it is my sad duty to tell how another young man, who had not NEW LEAVES.
the same sound principles, attempted to lead Joey into the paths of The Lifeboat. The February number of this journal contains much
deceit and wickedness. valuable information as to recent services of the boats belonging to the
One day a young man with a bad countenance entered the shop, and noble National Lifeboat Institution, and constitutes the strongest appeal
asked for a violin by Straduarius. Joey was in great glee, for this was for aid wherewith to man the lifeboat."
his first trial at really serving a real customer; so he took down one of "Without a Home," by Rev. E. P. Roe (F. Warne and Co.).-This
the ten-and-sixpenny violins and seemed to murmur "Straduarius;" highly interesting picture of American life will worthily sustain the
and the bad young man joyfully took it and counted out fifty bright gold repute obtained by the previous works of the same author-he is a good
coins on the counter, and was about to go, when Joey looked carefully sound Roe.
at one of the coins, and said, "Here you-not this journey I Won't "The Metropolitan Water Supply," by W. T. Wiseman (G. Hill).-
wash. They're gilded farthings." And so great was the shock to In this work there is a "constant supply" of exhaustive information
Joey's feelings on learning that any one could be so wicked as this, and argument. Who deals wisely with the "water question is a
that he burst into a flood of tears. (W. T.) Wiseman.
He I he I" said the bad young man, "you've spotted it-you 're a "Routledge's Sporting Annual" (Routledge and Sons). Second
sharp 'un too I Tell yer what, if you like to join me we 'll make a nice Edition. We took it for an annual that, in its way, "has no second."
bit out of this; I want a hand in with me." Crystal Palace Mismanagement." By Common Sense (William
Joey flushed crimson with indignation, and was about to give the bad Farmer). The author manages his argument with un-common sense, and
young man in charge. makes out a case almost as clear as "crystal."

"OH, bear me hence," the maiden cried,
"Your steeds are strong and fleet;
Nay, tell me not you're full inside,
And cannot spare a seat.
Fly-swiftly as the swallow flies-
And set me safely down
Where sick to death my mother lies,
Away in Somers Town."

" What ho, conductor Prithee stay I"
Exclaimed the City man;
"Come, waft me to the Bank, I pray,
As quickly as you can.
Up Ludgate Hill, and thence through Chepe,
Insanely, fiercely dash;
My needs are great, my troubles deep,-
Our firm has gone to smash !"
"Look sharp," the maddened father sobbed,
Your dawdling drives me wild.
I 'm broken-hearted, ruined, robbed,-
My fair, my only child !
At school, as far away as Bow,
I left the erring girl;
But scarce a dozen hours ago
She bolted with an Earl 1"
" Blackwall, conductor, for your life !"
The stricken husband wept.
" Since last I saw my missing wife
I 've neither drunk nor slept;
But now far eastward am I bound,
For near the Isle of Dogs
A body in the night was found
Resembling Martha Moggs !"
Who says the bold conductor leads
A life of little care ?
On lip and brow he daily reads
The symptoms of despair.
Ah, London passengers full oft,
Whichever way they ride,
Though looking lively up aloFt,
Feel very ill inside !


78 F'UN. FEBRUARY 22, 1882.




" Mantelshelf unsafe ?" says the Builder; "only just stuck into the plaster ? Oh. that'll keep up right enough if you just support it with a bit of postage-stamp margin."
I ~ '

_ ji. 'i2_-. ^^ v-iQ ^^

So the tenant tries, and really makes a capital job of it. Only there's one cause for anxiety: that confounded fly that 's buzzing about should take it into his
head to sit on the mantelpiece, it's a serious question whether the addition of his weight mightn't- So the tenant has to keep his eye on that insect.

S, k I It Nil
^ ,I _-'- -__ S '' *''

Oh, pleesir I" says the domestic, "'ere's a man a-taking the overcoats an umbrellas out ofthe 'all, an' the kitciicn chimbley s a-fire, and they're a-cutin' orf the
gashe and the cat'his seyeoff tuck in the copper n floo and a-dthein'ev cured like a 'errin'u" "Ican't come," says the tenant, sepulchrally; who is to watch that fly ?" And
he takes his eye off that fli for one instant, and the evil-minded fly alights upon-

FU1JN'.-FEBRUARY 22, 1882.


&\.,l \ *

*J4 U



- \


(See Cartoon.)
Bow-wow Bow-wow!
What a very horrid row !
Such a howling, such a squeaking,
Scarce can I be heard a-speaking :
I must stop this shindy now.
Bow-wow Bow-wow!
Hark, hark Bark, bark !
On their backs I'll leave my mark!
But, although I've brought a muzzle,
How to fix it-that's the puzzle:
Better keep intentions dark.
Hark, hark Bark, bark I!
Woa, then Woa, then !
Tory, down, sir! Keep your den!
Quiet, Patrick You're the first one
I must tackle, as the worse one-
Quite as bad as any ten.
Woa, then Woa, then !
Good dog Good dog !
Have a bit of Irish bog ?
Can't bear collars ; don't it need 'em ?
Would it like to run at freedom ?
Shall I take away its clog ?
Good dog Good dog !

FEBRUARY 22, I882, FU N. 81

LET'S chuckle and hug
ourselves tight as we
t trace
How the science of healing
advances apace;
Let's wrinkle our noses in
S arrant conceit
S'; That nothing's omitted to
make it complete.
Pray tell us, the country
that's under the sun
Where anything nearly so
thorough is done
S- In rendering perfect, effec-
tive, and quick,
Arrangements affecting the
cure of the sick !
Defy you to do it! That's
all we can say,
While singing, Ri tooral li looral li lay.
Our method is perfect, and that is the sum !
With a dol de rol doodle de doodle de dum.
Determined disease shall succumb in the fight,
Benevolence proffers its more than a mite
To furnish the founding, the funds, and the fees
Of our grand institutions to baffle disease;
John Bull is elated and cocky to see
His hospitals simply as good as can be
And only replies with a withering "Pshaw !"
If you even should hint at the signs of a flaw.
And he knew at the price he was willing to pay,
Sing tooral di looral li looral li lay.
That simple perfection was certain to come,
Sing dol de rol doodle de doodle de dum.
Then science-(our science is all of the best)-
Perceives the arena and enters with zest ;
In league with benevolence, arm within arm
With that crony of science, its paramount charm,
It gives up the time it delights to afford
To laudable work in the hospital ward,
With the pleasant result (as we see at a glance)
That illness has divil a ghost of a chance !
Oh, dear, it is nowhere at all in the fray,
A-singing ri tooral li looral li lay;
And has to admit that its future looks rum,
With a dol de rol doodle de doodle de dum.
The moment a party has broken his leg-
The moment his life's at the uttermost dreg-
The moment he's off with a favouring breeze
To the dismal but natural bourne of disease-
The moment, in short, that he's any way queer,
Whatever his malady, slight or severe,-
The fact is before us, so noble and grand,
That the hospital instantly takes him in hand I
No more need we worry or trouble a day,
While singing ri tooral li looral li lay;
Disease is a worm under science's thumb,
With a dol de rol doodle de doodle de dum.
'The beds are a marvel; the nurse never nods ;
The discipline's truly a theme for the gods;
With a system that's simply perfection itself,
Each medicine finds its appropriate shelf;
A patient's insolvency never impedes
The efforts of science in serving his needs;
In fact, on this theme we can even say more-
That poverty opens the hospital door I
The saying of which is as much as to say,
While chirruping tooral li looral li lay,
That he's cured ere a feller can twiddle his thumb,
With a jubilant dol de rol doodle de dum.
Let's say, an unfortunate patient is found,
From illness or accident, flat on the ground;
Our course of proceeding is perfectly clear-
We carry him off to a hospital near;
We summon an a mbulance-Likely! Oh, yes!
"A thing the metropolis doesn't possess ?
There isn't an ambulance van in the towti" ?
Perhaps you'll oblige me by writing it down I-

You're chaffing a chap in your queer little way,
With a doubtful ri tooral li looral li lay.
Oh, likely How probable Query I Oh, come!
With a see any greenery weenery wum?
What ? Double the invalid up in a cab
Where every jolt of it gives him a stab?
What ? Meditate murder, and hail one of these
And fill it throughout with infectious disease ?
What ? Bundle an invalid, dying with pain,
On a shutter exposed to the wind and the rain?
You cannot be chaffing-your look is too sad-
Excuse the suggestion-I have it !-you're mad.
Try Hanwell; they tell me it's pleasant and gay
With a wild irresponsible tootle turn tay,
Though Bethlehem Hospital's chosen by some
With a weird and unreasoning doodle de dum.

ALTHOUGH the outside world must have thought it rather absurd that
the debate on the Address, in reply to so simple a thing as the Queen's
Speech, should have dragged its weary length through six sittings of the
House of Commons before coming to a close, this prolixity did excellent
service as a safety-valve, and enabled many Members to let off a large
quantity of superfluous steam which had been generated during the recess.
Mr. P. J. Smyth (does his name rhyme with "pith," or "scythe," or
"with" ?) eloquently disburdened himself of thoughts on the desirability
of Irish legislative independence, and Mr. Gladstone still more eloquently
kept his thoughts on the subject to himself, by making a speech which
allowed the patriots to hope for everything or nothing, as the case might
be. In reply to an amendment raised by the facile author of "A His-
tory of our Own Times," Mr. Forster gave a history of his own time in
Dublin and elsewhere, and having happily escaped from the dangers of
an explosive letter in Ireland, took a very merciful revenge by "blowing
up the Land Leaguers in London. Mr. Gibson hammered away at
the Government, and Lord Randolph Churchill cried "Cock-a-doodle-
doo." The Solicitor-General for Ireland showed that, while he was
Porter as a friend, he could be stout as an adversary. Mr. Plunket spoke
as if he were the colonel of the English Garrison ; and, in answer
to sundry wild constructions placed upon his holiday orations, Mr. Cham-
berlain edified his audience by a spirited rendering of "Not for Joe 1"
Many of Mr. Parnell's admirers made speeches or interruptions, or both;
and at length the debate expired of sheer inanity, but slightly regretted
by any who knew it.
Beyond this preliminary skirmish there is very little to chronicle, ex-
cepting that Sir H. D. Wolff and Mr. Ashmead-Bartlett still appear
anxious to learn something about foreign politics, and that the Lords
as well as the Commons have had some conversation about the publica-
tion of a rather irregular pamphlet by the Queen's printers in Ireland.
This pamphlet, which was inadvertently put into circulation by Mr.
Godley, secretary to the Land Commission, was written by Mr. Fottrell,
solicitor to the same : its title is How to become the Owner of your
Farm;" and as the author has since had to resign his office, we may
expect from the same hand another short composition-" How to become
the Loser of your Situation."
But all these things are trifles. The real interest of the Session com-
mences with the reform of the Rules of Procedure of the House of
Commons, as to which our Premier's emphatic opinion is that-
If I had a Parliament what wouldn't go,
D'ye think I 'd dissolve it ? Oh, dear, no !
But I'd give it a dose of the Frenchified CIO-
ture, and that would make my Parliament go.
We do not say that these are Mr. Gladstone's own words exactly, but
they undoubtedly convey the drift of his meaning.

An Anti-climax.
IT is quite useless to tell a Cockney sluggard and "ne'er-do-weel" to
go to the ant. The odds are he has never seen the insect, and couldn't
go to it if he had, unless some one advanced him his railway fare to
Epping Forest. We would suggest a practical alteration of the precept
in question, which should, if it is to be made useful, assume a negative
form ; and, instead of recommending the Cockneys whom it may con-
cern to go to the ant, strongly urge on them not to visit their uncle I

A Home Rule State-meant.
THE Home Rulers and the Land Leaguers have succeeded in erect-
ing Ireland into a "State." The daily papers all write about "The
State of Ireland."

82 FU N FEBRUARY 22, 1882.

"A.rofos of a recent violin case, the presiding judge, Mr. Justice Field, in expressing his full approval of the verdict, remarked that the practice of putting false
labels on goods of any sort was one that could not be justified by any usage of trade."-Dailv Telegrafh, February 13, 1882.

CDZ-A 11 1 [:, ---- .... I -

,II I .: fl

"Pills; oh, yes, sir, you can have any name on the
box you like; we keep labels ofallthe great makers.

"Pommery, sir? yes, sir. I know it's right; I've
just put the label on myself."

"Signed? No. it ain't; they don't sign 'em now, you
know ; but you 'll find a label at the back, m' lord."

I HAVE explained on more than one occasion, Sir, that, though of a
generally sportive disposition, I am not in reality such a thorough
sportsman as I could wish. To tell the truth, I have lacked oppor-
tunity. For instance, I should doubtless have brought down many more
birds than I have had I been placed in a position, like other affluent
sportsmen, to first bring them up. Again, I might long ere this have
been a master of foxhounds had not my experimental mastership of one
fox-terrier induced such unpleasant differences with the Excise officials
as to effectually damp my dog-mastering zeal.
As to steeplechasing, I never felt inclined to "a-spire to that (try
back, Sir, as the Nimrods say,'you have just passed a quip 1); but I
should have much liked to have been an owner of race-horses, "owner-
ous" as are his duties (look out, Sir, there is another small joke for
you I), had I been to the manner born-or, in other words, had I been
born a lord of the manor.
Thus you see, Sir, it was my misfortune rather than my fault that I
was not able to take a prominent part in the management of the Sports-
man's Exhibition at the Agricultural Hall, which has just come to a
successful conclusion.
"It is very thoughtful of you, Mr. Etherington," I had said to the inde-
fatigable secretary when he first pressed office upon me, "but under the
circumstances, unless you wish me to make an exhibition of myself, I
must really decline."
Nay, nay," he had urged, "we have many departments. There is an
angler's branch, for instance. Could you not assist in that ? "
"No," I had returned, "I dare not even tackle' the angling."
"What do you say to quoits, then ? "
Quoit out of the question I" I had replied, cheerily.
"Ah, by the way," the secretary had finally exclaimed, "there is a
fencing department. Can't you be a judge in that?"
"Fencing I" I had echoed. "Indeed I cannot I! Consider yourself
'foiled' again, my dear sir."
Nor was Mr. Etherington able to make me alter my decision, and it
was after all as a simple spectator only that I visited the interesting
"Sportsman's Exhibition early last week.
Having carelessly lost my marked catalogue, I cannot bring all the
points to your attention, Sir, which I had intended. But I remember
quite well that I was much struck in the cricket, and fencing, and
athletic departments at finding that not even one sportsman had ex-
hibited any bad temper. I asked the ubiquitous manager how this was,
and his reply was promptly made. "It 's just this," said he : "we only
admit novelties at this Exhibition-things which have not been shown
elsewhere before-and as the bad temper you allude to has been shown
elsewhere over and over again, why-"
Precisely so," I interrupted, "and I congratulate you, Mr. Raffety,
on your useful rule." And with the same we passed on to inspect the
"coaching and riding" department, which happened just then to be
under the inspection of the judges. Seizing a moment when there was
a general lull, I asked the manager, in a loud tone of voice, if he had
ever seen a four-in-hand that reminded him of a man on horseback.
He admitted he had not; on which, fixing as many of the judges as
I could with my eye, I said, "Ah, you must have had a very limited
dramatic experience, then, for f have often seen a stage.' coach' that
is not only like, but literally is, a 'Ryder.'"

At this, Sir, the judges all expressed a desire to know more of me,
and I had the satisfaction of attending them whilst they completed their
labours, nothing escaping their eagle eyes, from the very serviceable
handicapsp" for jockeys shown by Mr. Verrall, up to the patent
dramatic billiard-table, with all the actor's "cues" marked with white
There was a novel kind of gig, too, for driving bargains in, which no
bagman should be without; and a "shooting" coat of such a pattern
that it would bring down any bird of sensitive taste which came within
The hares shown were fine ones, as a matter of course ; whilst
the whips, shaped and feathered like arrows, I took to be special designs
out of compliment to Archer, the reining favourite on the turf.
The new "vampire bat" I saw is just the kind of implement with
which our cricketers should meet the demon bowler, if he come again ;
and I must specially commend the "flies" exhibited in the angling de-
partment, which are so natural that several of them were self-deceived
as to their reality, and went and got stuck on a fly-paper I produced as
a test before they remembered they were artificial specimens.
I would also hastily refer to the highly original fourteen-buttoned
boxing gloves for ladies; the new salmon spear (trade mark-a screw, and
motto, "Dumb spiral spearo !"); the Robin Hood bow, which is quite
an Archer's bow-ideal," fitted as it is with a small "bow-window," for
the more effective taking of sights; and the evaporating saddle, said to
be much patronized at provincial race meetings. And, in conclusion,
Sir, I would congratulate the promoters on their Exhibition, and wish
them as much patronage and supportt" another year.,

,,(7- -)


I Very Dis-Hordle-y.
MRS. GIRLING was reported to have left the Shaker community at
Hordle. The report was, however, subsequently discovered to be in-
correct-Hordley consonant with fact, in short.


FEBRUARY 22, 1882.F'I S. 83


:, /

AIR-" We are a Merry Family."
ONE night ere dinner had been dished,
Or dusk had closed the parks,
Some ladies called and said they wished
To make a few remarks.
As FUN and they had met before,
He didn't feel afraid,
He bowed them in and closed the door,
And this is what they said :-
"We are three sisters, partners in a Government concern
(That one desires to start alone you haven't now to learn):
In folly, crime, stupidity, we 're much upon a par-
We are a merry family, we are, we are, we are 1
"We have a District Railway Co.
Economizing lights,
With some intent, it seems, to throw
The pointsmen into frights;
When trains arrive with only one
Where erstwhile there were two,
We simply ask you, Mr. FUN,
What is the man to do ?
Although we 've railway accidents upon us by the score,
If this be true, we may expect experience of more;
And then we s'pose we'll have some trembling pointsman 'at the bar.'
We are a merry family, we are, we are, we are I
"Our Queen intends to take a trip
And spend a little tin.
(The Tories say she leaves the ship
Because they aren't 'in '!)
A man has tried to hack and hew
Queen Anne about the head
(We mean her statue), though he knew
Her Majesty was dead.
We've Boers in Southern Africa on rowdy errands bent,
We've jurymen in Sheffield who at prettiness relent,
We've sturdy threatening beggars who a peaceful passage bar,-
We are a merry family, we are, we are, we are !
"We have-how lookers-on must quiz !-
Of ready dupes a horde
Who'll think a dressed-up' female is
A dead and buried lord ;
We keep an Empress from our shore
By poisoning dogs-such work !-
And any music we abhor
As 'sinfu' in the kirk.
We've heaps of breach-of-promises' with damages absurd,
And here and there a murder of some baby has occurred,
A little face of innocence disfigured by a scar,-
We are a merry family, we are, we are, we are !"

ANY "PORT IN A STORM.-Well, almost any; but we think the
most tempest-tossed mariner would draw the line at a real British
"port." He might as well drown as die of poison.

Out of Town, Thursday last.
SIR,-Sporting matters showing a tendency to get on all fours again,
and give themselves a shake previous to "pulling themselves together,"
like a dog which has risen from a nap for a stretch (beautiful simile 1-
other papers please don't copy), and rouse itself from its moribund con-
dition-events and fixtures coming, as I might say (were I in the habit
of resorting to puns, that last resource of baffled witlings), with mori-
bundance every day-it becomes my painful duty, Sir, to address you
once more, and to commence another series of those brilliant letters
which are the feature of this journal for eight happy months of the year.
It is with some regret, Sir, but with no surprise, that I find myself
obliged, in my very first communication of the season, to complain of
your conduct. I hope you are able (though I don't think you can be)
to reconcile to your conscience the act which has cost your readers (pro-
bably) millions, and me (certainly) fame. I allude, as you are no doubt
aware, to your omission from your last issue of my (as events have proved)
correct tip for the Waterloo Cup. It is weak on your part to assert
that you had so much Valentine matter that I was "crowded out."*
"What are valentines?" I ask-with tears in my eyes, and no expec-
tation whatever of getting a satisfactory reply-" What are valentines
to the reputation of your Sporting Prophet? "t Of course, nobody will
believe that I ever sent that tip now, but conscious rectitude, and the
following memo., extracted verbatim from my note-book:-" MEM. : to
give Snowflight for the Waterloo Cup, and Sut or Witchery for runner-
up. Query-kill first wife ? -will support me in this heavy trial.
Next week I hope to turn my attention to the Worcester Spring
Meeting and the University Boat Race, for which latter I think, at present,
is the card to play. Meantime, with the assistance of an artistic young
gentleman of the staff (kindly lent by you, Sir), I beg to present my
readers with a portrait of

We at first intended to print this sketch (after the manner of some of
your sporting contemporaries) over and over again as "the winner" of
each event as it came off, merely altering the name to suit the circum.
stances, or perhaps now and then turning the horse round, or sideways,
or upside down, as a means of disguise; but further reflection and the
innate honesty, both of myself and the artistic young gentleman, has in-
duced us to give the portrait "all at once in the above manner. Fare-
well till next time. Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
P.S.-Look out for some thundering good things this year.
P.S. 2.-Keep on the look-out.
We need scarcely say that this is all entirely apochryphal.-ED. FUN.
t Having regard to the peculiar nature of the Prophet's "reputation," we should
say the proper reply to this question would be Hyperion to a satyr."-ED. FUN.
I Trophonius seems a little confused here. We observe that he dates from "Out of
Town;" he appears to have acquired some bucolic obscurity "far from the adding
crowd."-ED. FUN.

Horse or Rider.
WE see, much to our surprise, that Whitechapel is likely to be a winner
of one of the spring handicaps. Can this be the case ? For our part,
so far from thinking Whitechapel was a horse, we assumed him to be a
jockey, or at any rate an equestrian of some sort, for we have for many
years been constantly hearing that "Whitechapel Road."

A HAZY NOTION.-Trying to remember when a bill is "dew."

W To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pfay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

84 F U N FEBRUARY 22, 1882.

\ .' ^i -, ; \. I rl


Wrangling over the ,Wrangler. Price One S'illing; fost-free, Is. d.
and with truth, he is man," Oxford declares with equal reliance the Author of MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."

A very amusg story of old coaching times.-Reynldss.
Turning the Tables." "FUN" OFFICE, 3 FLEET STRE E.C.

Old en t-" declare that Monaco may be naughty, COULD NEVER BUY A HORSE WITH LEGS LIKE THAT!"

THE METROPLTN ASYLUMS' BOARD.-This heading so frequently "

Wrangling over the aWrangler. Price Oit Shilling;post-free, Is. 2d.
THIs E last Senior Wrangler is in a ver parinmaoxica position, as each DICK BOULIN'S FOUR-IN-HAND.
great English Alma mater claims him. Thus, whilst Cambridge says, By the Attractive Co ver, Price SI XPE NC." E.
and with truth, he is "Herman," Oxford declares with equal reliance,
which we admit it is impossible to deny, that he is "Herman," too. Dick Boulin isentirely free from vulgarity, or from aught that can be said to be
Nor is this all, for now we have London University also declaring that objectionable "-Public O Ninion.
the last Senior Wrangler is "Herman." Can this curious behaviour be "The book opens with a capital sketch of coach travelling as it was some five-and
the result of a "spell," we wonder ? twenty o thirty years ago "-Pitorial World.
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."-R-ynolds's.
Turning the "Tables." "FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, E.C.
OF course there is a great deal of gambling at Monte Carlo, but in
the immediate neighbourhood it is concealed as much as possible. THE
"Men-tone" it down at the adjoining watering-place, whilst at the P IC T O RT AT W O P L D
fashionable resort, on the other hand, it is to the interest of both men P IC T O R IAL W O RL D
and women to declare that Monaco may be naughty, but for all that it Enlarged to 24 pages, with a
certainly is not Nice."
THE METROPOLITAN ASYLUMS' BOARD.-This heading so frequently
appears in the papers that we are led to ask what is the matter with it ? I
Is it inferior to the lodging given to the inmates, or better, or what ? It A decided Novelty in Illustrated Youwnalism.
is high time the matter in discussion were settled The whole in an Attractive Cover, Price S I X P E N 0 E.

Fir t-clas-, extra stonZ, with Obique, Turned-p, and Rounded C a d b u r
P-ints. Suit all Hands. Turned-up Points. Wiisuit all work. CAUTION-It
gilt. L the cup, it proves
abo and.. the addition of
Bo ,s, .all Stationers'. Selected o opo- Boo, by post, or. PURE III SOLUBLE!! I REFRESHING I
or z3 stamps,-Biruinnghaoo Z =
London: Printed by Dalziei Brothers. at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W.. and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at z53 Fleet Street, E.C.
WnedyFebuary 22 1882

MARCH 1, 1882. FUN.


First his father had hold of him; and he and the School Board man wore that relative to a skeleton. What am I to do?" said the skeleton "if I correct hium
the Home Secretary will have me buried alive !"

': I I I,


Then the police got hold of him, and suffered from his boots, nails, and teeth. What can I do?":pleaded the magistrate; "it'I dare to punish him in any way,
the Home Secretary- At length the magistrate did get hold of him, and fined him a penny. And the Home Secretary descended upon that magistrate, who
is now a broken old dotard.
_' ,\\ 1 VIAI/!, 1 hJ N\- -

Then the Industrial Schoolmaster got hold of him ; and he dragged up the schoolmaster before the terrible Home Sec. for cruelty in looking at him too hard. But
in a few years' time. we are happy to say, the Red-Hot Boy, who is being so carefully trained for an outlaw, will grow up; and his name will be "Legion" and
Nihilist;" and then the Home Secretary will get hold of him, and his windows will suffer. So a word of advice to the Home Sec.-Drao the Red-Hot Boy!

VOL. XXXV.-NO. 877.

86 FUN. MARCH 1, x882.

A Kitchen Reignge.
The Queen of Saxony met with an accident while busy in her kitchen.)
VIVE la Reine!
SNever her-probably-fat frame be lesser;
SOne Queen's reign
Contains the soupe-fon of a model-bless her!
ToldishA model made
To shake the modes that worry male bread-winners;
"_'A queenly kitchenmaid
To dish democracy by dishing dinners.
Her household arts
/ Save half the ancient Civil List that kept her.
Se Paste for her tarts
She rolls out deftly with her regal sceptre.
And when they eat,
Her lucky guests, those toothsome tarts at supper,
She must seem sweet
E'en to that scornful social crust called "upper."
Papa appoints
SMarshals the while she chooses chickens chubby;
She bastes her joints
While Ministries, disjointed, bait her hubby.
And with the dear
Disdain rash men rank among women's vices,
Perhaps you hear:
"The mutton's burning; come, King, drat that crisis!
She won't ignore
Plain baking, though some Jingo's blood be boiling;
The spoils of war
She deems less than the peaceful turtle spoiling!
And Rads, who 're wild
For land's and capital's redistribution,
Grow reconciled
Seeing her modest meat-jack's revolution.
Ah, Queen of Tarts!
-Queen who enslaves not, but who saves a slavey,
Who nobly smarts,
Not making graves, but looking after gravy,
Pure potentate
A DEATH WARRANT. Of pot and grate, decidedly more moral
Lady Cus/omer (hesitating over Purchase).-" DEAR ME, MR. HIGcs, Than lots more great,
THIS FOWL LOOKS AS IF IT HAD DIED A NATURAL DEATH I" A sprig of parsley to you, not base laurel!
Poulterer (readily).-" I'LL WARRANT YER IT DII), MA'AM, FOR I

(The Globe, in speaking of the American adulteration of cotton-bales and of the loss to the purchaser, says:-" This loss tells very heavily against English manufac.
turers, and compels them in their turn to resort to 'shoddy' practices, as the only means of making a profit."-Coimnels? Ahem Ha! Compulsion necessary to
that end, of course! Ah! no doubt !-Priz'ate reflection by Mr. FuN.)

WE 'VE often heard detractors state-
Unscrupulous and reckless roughs !-
That Englishmen adulterate
Their manufactured cotton stuffs :
We always knew this vile abuse
Had NO foundation or excuse.
One sees the venom at the core
Of such a libel at a glance;
Traduction's self could find no more
Unfounded statement to advance-
A barefaced effort to detract,
Untrue in substance and in fact I
Besides, this so-called "trade abuse"
That's so maliciously decried
Not only seeks for no excuse,
But is completely justified;
It therefore is with pride we state
That Britons do adulterate.

Our cotton goods-with just intent,
Which needs no word to justify-
Contain some eighty-five per cent.
Of worthless dress," at least; and why ?
For cause we haven't far to go :
Because consumers like it so.
Consumers, ev'ry one admits
(Except the villain who attacks),
Prefer a stuff which falls to bits
Before it's fairly on their backs ;
The makers (scarcely need we state)
Abhor to thus adulterate !
The makers, loth to thus endure
This hollow system they detest,
Will even often sell it pure
The while describing it as drest!
To show that this admits no doubt
I've often heard them blurt it out.

THE TelegraMh says :-"The Rhine is said to have reached the
lowest level of the present century "
Practical comment on above statement, as overheard by Mr. FUN :-
ToM. Wairdjer go for yer rollerdy larst year, 'Arry? Ramsgit or Jersey?
'ARRY. Ramsgit or Jersey! Well, you can't a-got out o' one
syllable, or you'd a-knowed as Ramsgit an' Jersey ain't 'ardly my form.
The Rine, that's more like my address,-Clone an' the Dratchenfelze,
and 'ome by Parree; so now yer know.

I Besides-we 've hit it to be sure !
Hooray we have it yes, of course!-
The manufacturer, though pure,
Is really left without resource,
And every good intention fails
In view of sanded cotton-bales !
Of course exactly I This is why
The manufacturer is bound
To "dress" and to-ahem !-to lie,
In order just to hold his ground.
He knows-he owns it, to be sure !-
Consumers like their cottons pure.
The manufacturer isfjust-
Not shifty, please to understand;
Nor does he seize (as meanness must)
The first excuse that comes to hand
He does no wrong; and when he wrongs,
To some one else the fault belongs.

A Cure for Eleph-antics.
THE correspondent who wrote to Mr. Barnum's agent in England to
ask him why he did not pack up Jumbo and remove him to the docks
in his own trunk is requested by that gentleman to give him a call.

BEST TREATMENT FOR THE POOR.-Drive a steak into them. If
that is not enough, chop them.

MARCH I, 1882.



HI ERE is plenty of real humour
I i n Mr. Burnand's Manager at
the Court, and a large amount of
first-class acting is brought to
bear upon it; but the story un-
fortunately (without going into
the question of resemblances and
sources) is extremely slight -
little more than an anecdote, in
fact-rather uninteresting, and a
I." l t' good deal attenuated-thislatter,
S I I apparently, for the purpose of
I.2, \ .. ,r. introducing some boisterous prac-
-u-, tical fun, a process always result-
ing in weariness to the audience
if carried beyond certain limits.

The first act is brightly and
.,.. cleverly written-with too much
_- reliance on puns, however, and
those not always of the most
THE COURT.-MIANAGER CHIFF TRYI; G robust description and intro-
TO ASSUME A CHIFFUL EXPRESSION. duces us to Mr. Clayton's mas-
terly portrait of the Manager, a
performance remarkable for delicate perception both of humour and
character, as well as for finished ease. Mr. D. G. Boucicault rattled
through the part of Pulverstock agreeably enough, but he would do well
to omit that purposeless and not very successful imitation of Mr. Irving.

The second and third acts consist of a struggle between real humour
and a fussy kind of outrageous wildness-to the ultimate defeat of the
former. I don't know that this wildness would be altogether out of
place in such a piece if the story were only a little more pointed, but
there is a great deal too much of it-the last act degenerates into panto-
mime, though there is something comical in showing us the back of an
imaginary play during its performance.

By the way, a dramatist has got us on to the stage at last. We've
been hovering about it for years; we've been in the theatre lobby in
The Turn of the Tide, M1other-in-Law, &c. ; we've been in the green-
room in Mlasks and Faces and The Prompter's Box, and we've hung
about the wings in The First Nigkt, Behind a Mask, &c., &c., &c.; but
it was reserved for Mr. Burnand to take us right on to the stage, so that
we can observe how very much bigger than the actors members of an
audience are.

Miss Lottie Venne is sprightly without extravagance as Nettie Millsom,
and in the registry office sings with cleverness and effect a "Dado "song
(wherein Mr. Burnand may be suspected of being under the influence of
the aesthetic trio in Patience by those who remember the "this" and
"that" business-those who "can put this and that together," in short).
[Mem. by the way, for this registry scene: marriage invalidates all a
woman's previous engagements;
Nettie signs the theatre agreement '
and gets married immediately after
-nice legal point here.]

Mr. G. W. Anson makes a tho- '
roughly characteristic Joe Vinton,
Miss Linda Dietz (whose opportu- i
nities are limited) plays pleasantly -.
as the capricious prima donna, Mr.
Clifford Cooper is rather wasted on
Phillibere, and Mrs. Leigh's known
ability receives confirmation in Mrs.

But the most remarkable per-
formance of the whole was undoubt- -- .r-h M
edly that of Miss Measor as the deaf -, liii'
old charwoman, showing as it does -.
a valuable grasp of character-bear- -
ing, costume, and manner are all to 7/
the life-as well as a courageous -
sinking of her individuality in the -
cause of art on the part of a young THE COURT.--Miss LINDA DIETZ AS
and prepossessing actress; and WILL NOT ACT "iN CONSEQUENCE OF
though the part is small, the per- A LITTLE LINDA-SPOSITION.'
formance evidences qualities of
thought and observation which should stand Miss Measor in good stead
in the future.

A three-act farcical comedy from the French by Mr. HI. J. Byron will
be the next novelty at the Criterion, and will probably have for com-
panion An Old Schoolfellow by Mr. F. W. Broughton.

--- i, 'I
J .)

___~ -

The Annual Benefit of the Royal General Theatrical Fund will take
place on the morning of Monday the 2oth inst., at Drury Lane Theatre,
which Mr. Harris has set at the disposal of the committee for the purpose.
I hope the response to the appeal will be Royal and General, and not
only Theatrical. NESTOR.

Taken In-and Done For.
RESPECTABLE BIRMINGHAM TRADER (ruibbitg his atriaferots hlltands).
Well, 'pon my word, if you had told me ten days ago that the last of all
the Stuarts would have turned up at my villa with no luggage, but his
hereditary crown left at the station, I should not have believed you.
No ; likely, possible, probable as the thing seems now, I should have
been a ridiculous idiot, and doubted. Ah I doubt has lost even better
men than I; so I'll doubt no more. I 'll be cocksure of everything.
And how could one doubt him-or her? (I am not quite sure of the sex
yet, but that does not matter.) So gay, so bold borrowed sixpence to
give to the porter, who came to see whether he (or she) was good for
the extra fare. Had such a delightful way of asking for that extra fare
without knowing me, and so aristocratically obliging in taking a cheque
for three times the amount, and saying he (or she, again) would get it
cashed somehow. I will ruin my great-grandmother for that patrician.
I owe it to society. The patrician owes a good deal to everybody-but
what matters it ? Aristocracy is not bound by ordinary laws ; and oh!
to have the last of all the Stuarts under one's roof. There, Betsy, four
bottles of champagne to recover oneself, and send three up to his High-
ness; he might like to treat the pawnbroker's young man who has just
I am Lancastrian, and I am a solicitor-two qualities, two nobilities
which preclude all ideas of taking in; and when you come and tell me
that a client who says he is the King of Dahomey, and is only waiting
for a post-office order to regain his realm ; when you tell me that a
monarch like that is merely a common trickster, and that the two
millions I have given him on the security of his lead mines and crown
jewels (which, whatever you may aver, are not lead), I am forced to the
conclusion that you are only actuated by base sentiments of jealousy;
that you want to know a crowned head yourself, sir; that you can't
manage it; and that the autograph of the Pope and Bismarck are
nothing to you in comparison with the paltry care of your children's
fortune. I am a reasonable British business man, and, consequently,
anything in the shape of an autograph-above all, anything in the shape
of a lord-I revere, and lend money to,
RESPECTABLE BIRMINGHAM (after, say, two years). Where's the
police ?
RESPECTABLE LIVERPOOL (after, let's put it at thrte years). Oh,
where is the Public Prosecutor ? for I haven't any money left with which
to prosecute myself.

CONSTANT SUBSCRIBER.-No, dear boy, we do not think a chim-
neysweep's dress a suitable one for a fancy dress ball; it would be too
dirty. If you wish to create aversion and alarm, go as a private in the
Foot Guards.

]F'TIJI-.-MARCH- 1, 18821.





v -vq

1 ]F TN .-M ARCH 1, 1882. '1

[di l- ^ ^


(See Cartoon.)
"I HAVE done it at last! I have done it at last!
It's been hanging about me for many months past;
To avoid such a trial I didn't know how,
But it's over and-see the result of it now !
"'T was in vain that I asked for a different cure
And explained to the doctor my motives were pure,
Being fully assured that this pill at the best
Would be morally certain to stick in my chest.
" Yet although I was told, in a way to deject,
That this only could have the desired effect;
I was also informed that my critical state
Wouldn't warrant at all such a tempting of fate.
"So what was I to do? The dilemma was sad;
My prescription was scouted as utterly bad,
While they sternly refused t' other cure for my ills
Which was centred in one of their orthodox pills.
" I rebelled the temptation was greater, I swear,
Than my spirit-beg pardon, my organs-could bear;
But-oh, dear !-I must scuttle away rather fast,
For I 've done it at last I've done it at last! "

(See Cartoon.)
WHEN the enterprising burglar isn't burgling
(If we ought to credit Mr. Gilbert's rhyme)
He delights to hear the little brooks a-gurgling,
And to listen to the merry village chime.
But his predatory instincts he can't smother
While his love of nature's rather overdone;-
Oh, take one consideration with another,
The policeman's lot is not a happy one !
When the conscientious Bobby, meaning surely
To do right, has tried a door beside the street,
And has found that it is fastened quite securely,
He at once departs in peace along his beat.
It is therefore most undoubtedly annoying
To discover how, while thus his mind's at ease,
That the enterprising burglar is employing
The assistance of some skeletonic keys.
But the enterprising burglar's little hobby
May be ultimately carried to abuse,
So he's collar'd by the conscientious Bobby,
Who will listen to no frivolous excuse :
Let him vow he is a friend or is a brother,
All the same he'll have to stop that sort of fun;
Still, take one consideration with another,
The policeman's lot is not a happy one !

MARCH I, 1882. FUN. 91


---- ,

AIR-" Nevder come back no more."
IHE had a sort of common way,
And didn't knock or ring-
A man who called the other day,
And said he'd like to sing ;
He said he'd like to sing a song,
As some had done before,
And if we'd let him come out strong
He'd never come back no more.
Never come back no more, boys, never come back no more;
He took the hat he wore, boys, and turned it o'er and o'er,
And gave us bows galore, boys, and "scraped upon the floor-
This was the thing he chose to sing, and never come back no more:-
"Though scientific men complain
Of scarcity of fog,
We're bound to say that we remain
Content that it should jog ;
And, with the recent illness which
Connaught's fair Duchess bore,
We trust that, having "changed its pitch,"
'T will never come back no more.
Never come back no more, boys, never come back no more,
Though wolves are to the fore, boys, on France's fated shore,
And parties by the score, boys, for English dress implore,
We trust that they will go away, and never come back no more.
"The Queen, they tell, is almost well
Of that outrider's fall;
Great Jumbo, who is at the Zoo,
Declines to leave at all;
A Tapir mite has come to light
And made a small furore;
Officials they to Zanoff say,
Never come back no more,
Never come back no more, boy, never come back no more;
Your conduct makes us sore, boy, so foreign climes explore;
Go where they tunnels bore, boy, or settle at the Nore,
But 'go away' is all we say, and never come back no more.'
".We'd like to ketch the loathsome wretch
Who sent those two machines,
We 'd have him tied to one inside
And blown to smithereens;
We 'd have him cast upon the blast
And scattered to "the four,"
To be secure of making sure
He'd never come back no more.
Never come back no more, boys, never come back no more,
Though o'er a score ignore, boys, the gore, and more explore
Each shore till hoar and wore, boys, and, tore and sore, they roar,
I think I may in strictness say, He'd never come back no more I' "
x Ha I ha! very good, only we call it Marwood nowadays.-ED.

SIR EVELYN WOOD I-Of course; why, the Government would never
have sent him to the Transvaal if he wouldn't.

The Jumbo Scare.
THE sensational account of the attempt of the Zoological Society to
get rid of their elephant Jumbo, which appeared in one of the dailies,
has had the desired effect, and the letter-box of the newspaper in
question has been filled with letters from no end of great people, and
from a tremendous number of little people, some of which we publish.
Toddling Tommy' is heartbroken to think he shall never again
ride on dear Jummy's back, or once again throw empty nut-shells into
his lovely monstrous mouth. Can nothing be done ? He will willingly
subscribe a farthing a fortnight towards paying the 2,ooo."
Little Minnie,' who knows what it is to be separated from those
we love, would like to discontinue taking in her weekly tracts, if the
proceeds would prevent poor Jumbo being sent to America. She en-
closes some small bits of slate-pencil towards a fund for that purpose."
A Tiny Sympathizer' cannot believe that dear Mr. Editor will ever
let those cruel wretches send darling Jumbo away. If his papa will let
him, he will gladly stay away from school a whole term, and give the
money to the subscription list."
We cannot print any more of this correspondence. How gratifying
it must be for the daily referred to to find it is read so extensively by

and Talmage.

Three (Dis)Graces.
ACCORDING to the French news, Madame D'Essarts, her son and
daughter, the descendants of one of the most aristocratic Breton families,
are all undergoing, or about to undergo, criminal sentences. Mama has
been sent to gaol for theft, the son is sentenced to penal servitude for
murder, and the daughter is shortly to be tried for a like crime. They
had not frequented Court society for some time until they appeared at
the police court, so it is presumable their blue blood must have acquired
a black hue from stagnation. They are a merry family, who will have
their D'Essarts.

Still out of Town, last Thursday.
SIR,-In my last I believe-nay, I am tolerably certain-that I pro-
mised to give you a few words on the University boat race and the
Worcester meeting. Sir, I am not going to keep my promise. I've
just been invited to a nice bachelor party on this the last day for sending
in copy, AND I AM GOING. So, you see, you will have to wait till
next week for my boat race remarks, and till next year for my remarks
(if any) on the Worcester meeting. I hope you will like it. That illus-
trative young man you 've lent me has been more active than myself, so
I am enabled to present you this week with the first of a series of sporting
sketches; this one is called


It is very pretty and moral, and there is another coming next week.
Until which bright dawn of joy, I am yours, &c.,
P.S.-Keep your eye on the OXFORD.
P.S. 2.-I do not mean the music hall.

92 FUN. MARCH I, 1882.




Choice of a future form :-
WHEN my soul shall re-
solve upon casting the
Of its present unwieldy
organic abode,
With a view to inhabit,
enliven, and warm
Some other description of
animal form,
I then shall proceed to the
carrying out
Of a plan that I often have
pondered about,
Pursuant to which I shall
hopefully try
A humble career in the
form of a fly.

Reasons for choice :-
Nor am I devoid of an object and aim
In planning to act in the manner I name;
No fanciful object, no vision, no myth;
That object, when stated concisely, is Smith.
Now Smith-as it does me discredit to state-
Is a party for whom I 've the bitterest hate ;
For when we were babes, and our garments were long,
He did me a deep and indelible wrong.
Some peculiarities of Smith noted:-
In studying Smith, I have noted it down
That his cranium's bald at the apex or crown
I've noted that flies with a moment to spare
Are pointedly partial to roystering there ;
I 've noticed the victim's incontinent way
Of striving insanely to capture and slay ;
And after this process protracted in vain,
I've noted him (nearly as maybe) insane.

Aly sensations analysea :-
And after observing him thus for a spell
(As it does me the greatest discredit to tell),
I 've noted that, far from my mind being pained,
Consummate elation has held me enchained ;
I've noted, when turning my thoughts on the fly,
The dewdrops of gratitude start to my eye ;
On suchlike occasions it scares me to think
How often I've treated myself to a drink !
One little drawback scheduled:-
Yet still, at a time when the bosom is warm
With joy in its purest and holiest form,
The mind is unable to wholly ignore
One little insidious worm in the core;
Envenomed though hidden, it poisons the blood,
It gnaws at the vitals, it withers the bud :
Such worm is my guerdon-the feeling that 1
Am debarred from a share in the work of the fly.

Thus tutored, the reader will doubtless detect
My reasons for craving the form I select ;
And when it shall happily fall to my share
It ever shall be my devotion and care
(Though involving neglect of my kin and my kith)
To keep within workable distance of Smith;
And the frenzy of Smith in the present's a crumb
To the frenzy of Smith in the season to come !

"Oh, Horrible, most Horrible !"
WE really think it is about time to discontinue calling England a
Christian country. It seems that almost daily appear advertisements
like the following :-" Wanted a Youth accustomed to Vice."

By OUR OWN PADDY.-Whin are yer friends most useful to ye?-
Begorra, when they're the jury, and mesilf's the prisoner, bedad !



t? ____


MR. HORRIE FYDE. Terrible accident to the Queen the other day I
Never heard of such a narrow escape in all my life I Horse of outrider
became restive- I
MR. SIMPER THYSER (excitedly). And unmanageable- I
MR. H. F. (more excitedly). And reared--!
MR. S. T. (wildly). And threw his rider I And if the outrider had
only been outriding-
MR. H. F. (breathlessly). Inside Her Majesty's carriage instead of
outside it-
MR. S. T. (madly). And the outrider had only been thrown in quite
a different direction to that in which he was thrown-
MR. H. F. (frenziedly). And, in pointfact, everything adappnd
qui'diffrent twhatitddidapn-
BOTH (sinking, exhausted with overwrought emotion). There might
have been a most deplorable accident to Her Majesty !! Nearest
squeak you can possibly imagine !
MR. S. T. turningp ale). Great welkin Wh-h-hy, he-e-re's actually
another Narrow Escape" in the paper. Bless my soul (Reads)-
"Explosion of a Boiler Narrow escape of Her Majesty the Queen I
As a locomotive engine belonging to a mineral train was standing on a
line in Wales the boiler suddenly exploded with much violence. There
is little doubt that, had the accident occurred in Scotland instead of
Wales, and had the Queen been in the habit of travelling in mineral
trains which stand still on the line, and had the thing occurred at a
time when Her Majesty happened to be so engaged, very serious con-
sequences to Her Majesty might have ensued."
MR. H. F. How true I How lucky I What an escape! Why,
here 's another : (reads) Riot in a Casual Ward. Providential escape
of the Queen Riot-curred-Cashl Ward, Blank Workus-Master
and porter 'tacked with much violence-sticks freely used-had Majsty
happnd-be present in ward-occasion-serus consequences mighvinsued.
These were, wevver, haplyverted." (Heaves a long sigh of relief.)
MR. S. T. How fortunate I (Skims paper.) Hullo-another earth-
quake in South America--
MR. H. F. (breathlessly). Any harm dunter Majesty?
MR. S. T. (reading anxiously). No It's all right.
BOTH (prostrated by protracted nerve-strain). What providential
escapes I It is miraculous !

A Hansom Compliment.
THE cabmen of the metropolis ought certainly to feel complimented
at the way in which they are patronized by Royalty." On a previous
occasion the Prince of Wales presided at their festival dinner, and this
year the Duke of Edinburgh took the chair. The Royal Duke, who
says he rides a good deal in cabs (he certainly looks a hansom man),
maintains that the drivers are everything that they ought to be, there-
fore we suppose they always are satisfied, though we certainly thought
we had met with some rare old growlers. To hint at such a thing now,
though, would be rank unbelief.

the area railings, don't you know!


As soon, Sir, as I was aware that General Skobeleff would not come
to London, having been peremptorily recalled, I made instant arrange-
ments to wait upon him in Paris.
And when I say I made arrangements for waiting upon him, I mean,
Sir, literally and positively what I say; for, having learned from inqui-
ries at the Russian Embassy that the General would interview no jour-
nalists whatever, for fear of mischief, I at once determined to resort to
stratagem, and in less than an hour after reaching Paris I had not only
found out from a tame Cossack who travels with Skobeleff, the restaurant
his master patronized, but had interviewed an under-garqon there, had
borrowed and put on his spare alpaca jacket and apron, and was knock-
ing at the first-floor front at No.-well, I will not betray the General's
address-with a pile of tin-covered plates in my hand, and a somewhat
agitated heart in my bosom.
Entrez !" cried a clear musical voice: and opening a door, I found
myself in the presence of the Godfrey of Broth, or as the French would
call him, the Godfrey de Bouillon, of the coming Sclav crusade.
I knew instantly I was in the presence of the hero of Plevna and
Geok Tep6. His long, fair, Dundreary-like whiskers, especially the
left one, with which he was carelessly toying as I approached, his eagle
eye, and the strong smell of Russian leather which pervaded the apart-
ment, were only three of the items which led me to this conclusion.
But they alone would have sufficed, even had Skobeleff, evidently sus-
picious at the sight of a strange waiter at the odd hour of three P.M ., not
instinctively clapped his right hand to his left side as though seeking
the sword that invariably hangs there.
As for me, I felt indecision would undo me, so hastily setting down
my plates, I exclaimed, "Purge au fois, and fillet de bceuf a la jardi-
niere. One and tenpence, and sixpence on the plates, if you please !"
taking care to edge off to the door as I finished.
"Fillet de betf a la jardiniere! exclaimed the Hope of the Sclavs,
jumping to his feet-I might say, in fact, seeing his great stature-
jumping to his six feet four. "What do you mean, fellow?" (I may
state here the General speaks English fluently.)
I ventured to again repeat my former statement.
"It's a mistake, then," cried the Muscovite warrior; "I ordered no
beef ': 'a the female gardener, or, in fact, A la anybody, and you'd
better clear out with it at once," and he motioned me to the door as he
Instead of retiring, however, I flung off my apron, took out the four
and ninepenny pot of caviare I had brought as a peace-offering, and,
placing it on the table, I said, "General Skobeleff-for I know that
Makinabigstirovitch is not your right name 1-I have adopted this plan
of waiting upon you because I have always admired you, and was
determined, on hearing you were in Paris, to express in person my
The General was evidently not pleased at the success of my stratagem;
for though, even as he spoke, his fingers played fondly about the pot of
caviare (4s. 9d., store price), he frowned darkly, and replied, "I am in
Paris openly, sir, and you should have called upon me openly, or not
at all. I dislike artifice."
"What, General!" I retorted; "you dislike artifice? Why, you
surely forget that, as you are a Russian, to visit you by means of a ruse
-a la Rus(s)e, in point of fact-was but natural."
I took this on the well-known principle enunciated by the trite saying Caviare
to the General! "-Y.E.-S.R.

The Liberator of the Bulgars was good enough to smile. "Well,
well," he cried, "have your way; but now you are here, what do you
want ?"
"As the representative of a journal of European fame," I placed a
current number of "FON," Sir, printed in Slavonic, in his hands as I
spoke, "I am anxious to learn your business in Paris. Rumour says
you are here to promote a Sclav propaganda."
Sclav propaganda What is that ?" returned the General.
Well, really, I am not sure," I replied; "but I think it means war
with Germany."
Skobeleff's eyes sparkled as he said, Oh, if I could but double up
Bismarck, I should die happy "
"But England won't help you in your Panslavic crusade," said I;
"don't you know our song, 'Britons never, never, never will be
Sclavs '?"
"Ah, we shall see," murmured the conqueror of the Turcomans. "I
had a midnight appointment with your great Gladstone in the crypt of
the House of Commons next week, and methinks things will go O.K.
even yet, though I shall now be unable to meet him."
0 K. ?" I echoed. "Why, Madame Novikoff has left us."
"'' No matter, I have faith in my star, and my motto is Fortiter in re!'"
exclaimed the General.
It ought to be Sclaviter in modo!' as well," I replied ; and then,
with my usual dramatic instinct, made my exit, covered by the laughter
my quip occasioned.
I had reached the bottom of the stairs, in fact, before I remembered
I had come away without the chief item of information I required; so,
stopping on the mat, I called up at the top of my voice, General,-
will-Germany-go-to-war ? "
Clear as a trumpet the reply of Skobeleff came down to me over the
banisters. "No, sir, Germany will not go to war-the war will go to
Germany !
In another minute or two I had hopelessly lost my way in the Bois
de Boulogne.

Spring Gardens, February 24th, 1882.
I hasten with feelings of intense satisfaction to inform you that the
correspondent who wrote to the papers last year to tell the public that
strawberries and scarlet runners had been picked on the roof of a house
in Baker Street, must henceforth be considered nowhere, or, at any rate,
take second place to your humble servant, who yesterday (Thursday,
23rd ult.) with his own eyes saw two primroses gathered in St. James's
Street, S. W.,just opposite Boodle's Club. Violets in Spring Gardens
will clearly only be a matter of time. I enclose my card, and remain,
dear Sir, yours excitedly, AN ENTHUSIASTIc Rus-IN-URBE'UN.
P.S,-I perhaps, Sir, ought to mention for the further information of
eager horticulturists, that one of the primroses in question was of the
early kind known as the Lord Rosebery, whilst the other was of the Dux
species usually associated with Cleveland.-AN E. R-IN-U.
[EDITORIAL P.S.-The paragraph in the Morning Post of the 24th
ult., stating that the Duke of Cleveland and the Earl of Rosebery both
came to town on Thursday last, may throw still further light on our
correspondent's startling communication.-ED. "FUN."]

" If the bed of grey chalk has not been over-estimated, we shall probably see, in the fulness of time, not only one tunnel, but half a dozen, with their owners touting
for custom in the form of more or less energetic representatives."-Daily Paper.


Mr To CORRESPONDENTS.- The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pai for Contribu'ionw. In no case will t'ie be returned unless
accompanied bv a stamped and directed enzvelote.

MARCH I, 1882.


An Utter Hypocrite,
CHARLES FROST, aged nineteen, just sentenced to three months' hard
labour for obtaining board and lodging under false pretences, is about
as unique a scoundrel as we can imagine. Giving out that he was
engaged at a neighboring brewery, and that he had been recommended
by the clergyman of the chapel attended by the prosecutor, he succeeded
in getting a week's board and lodging, pretending all the time to be
very religious, and every morning and evening falling on his knees in
the kitchen and praying for the woman and her husband. On the
Saturday, when one pound was due, he went out as usual and never
came back, taking with him an umbrella, a robbery which the magis-
trate stigmatized as cruel, to which the prisoner agreed. Mr. Bushby
then said to him, "Not only are you a thief, but a hypocritical scoundrel."
To this he also acquiesced, replying, "Yes, sir, I am," and, when sen-
tence was pronounced, left the dock smiling. If he is not a cheerful
young villain we have never heard of one, and the landlady may con-
sider herself lucky in losing so little. In future she will do well to pay
particular attention to those lodgers who say, "Let us frey."

LITERARY FACT.-Because an author writes with a soft quill pen, it
does not follow that his work will not be hard to read.

Price One Shilling; post-free, Is. 2d.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
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The book opens with a capital sketch of coach travelling as it was some five-and
twenty or thirty years ago."-Pictorial' World.
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."-Reynolds's.
Enlarged to 24 pages, with a
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The whole in an Attractive Cover, Price SIX PENC E.

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London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt. at z53 Fleet Street. E.C.
Wednesday, March i, 1882

MARCH 8, 1882. FUN. 95

I've courted Fame
By many ways and doings,
The jade, however, never came,
Responsive to my wooings;
Her conduct, I 'm prepared to say,
I can't consider venyal:
I've courted her in ev'ry way,
However uncongenyal.
I've tried the literary mode
As well as the artistic;
I've tried the scientific code,
The spiritualistic;
I've tried the festive 'politic,'
Which also proved abortive;
And sporting I abandoned quick,-
I am not very sportive.
I've tried the din and clash of arms,'
I've tried the limp aesthetic,
I 've tried the philanthropic's charms,
I've tried the stout athletic ;
One way I might have courted her,
Which she'd have had to strike to,-
I might have been a murderer,
But that I didn't like to.
"My efforts, and they 're not a few,
Have now begun to languish,
So, Mr. FUN, I come to you
To help me in my anguish;
I mean to try one method more
To gain her approbation,
And for it I require, implore
Your kind co-operation.
"When you are holding up to shame
Some patent malefaction,
Associate it with my name,
And I will bring an action.
It may, perhaps, be transient,
But still I shall be famous;
You '11 get a good advertisement.
"I. G. N. O'RAMUS."

The Dropt "H."
(With apologies to the Author of The Lost
SEATED one day in the parlour,
I was happy and quite at ease,
Katie, my darling, beside me,
Jingling her housewife's keys;
I knew not what she was saying,
I know not how it occurred,
But she spoilt her voice's music
By the sound of an "h"-less word.
She dropt an "h" in the twilight,
'T was lost in the gathering gloom,
But it jarred on my nervous senses
As it hovered about the room;
It occasioned grief and sorrow,
I was sad as I'd been elate
At the inharmonious echo
Of that wandering aspirate.
It altered her speech's meaning,-
The lapse I'll ne'er forget,
And we trembled in silence, fearing
The insulted alphabet.
I have sought, but I seek it vainly,
That one lost "h," on the floor;
It was dropt in the placid twilight,-
'T is lost for evermore.
It may be the London School Board
May soothe my perturbed mind,
But an "h" once lost you can never,
You never again can find.

First Boy (to Companion, who has picked up a purse).-" HERE, HI, D' YER YEAR,

A Saving Clause.
THROUGH the proceedings at a police court case a day or two since it transpired that the
savings of a blind beggar had amounted to ~99. Not bad that for a mend-I-can't sort of in-
dividual. It won't do after this to say "pity the indignant blind." Envy will be more the
feeling. One thing suggested by the incident is that though a poor fellow can't see, he need not
be] blind-to his own interest. This is dedicated to the National Thrif Society.

A HAZARDOUS COMMAND.-To cal on an assembly of convivial soldiers to "charge" their

VOL. XXXV.-NO, 878,

96 FUN. MARCH 8, 1882.



MR. SIMM-PATHIE (to Mr. Swyptowt Cleenc). I don't know how to
express my intense sorrow for your misfortunes, old fellow! Take a
pull at my flask-lay your head on my bosom-let me pat your back-
bite your little finger. Lost every penny in the crash, I suppose?
Why do you turn over the newspaper with such feverish and rapid
eagerness ? Look, here's the report of your bankruptcy-needn't seek
any further. Still you continue 1 Ah, I see-looking for the account
of your trial for forgery? See-here it is under your nose. No-still
this wild, tearless, eager, suffering search! Ah, I have it-you look
for the account of the shipwreck in which all your connexions perished ?
It is here-yet you pass it by I Why, ah why this even-yet-sustained,
tremulous, hollow-eyed, scorching, soul-withering search of feverish
despair? What, oh, what seek you ?
MR. SWEPTOWT CLEENE. No news no line no comforting
word t-yet-yes, here-but no-yes, "Jum-" Ah, no 'T is but
the troopship 7umna.
MR. SIMM-PATHIE. Ha he turns upon me his hollow, wild, de-
spairing, yearning orbs I cannot bear it. Say-what tidings seek
ye in this fixed and fearful gaze ? News of your creditors ?-your trial ?
-your reduction to absolute and crushing penury- ? Ha, he speaks I
MR. SWEPTOWT CLEENE (grasping the arm of Mr. S.-P.). Say-
tell me-has Barnum consented to cancel-will the fifty millions of
American citizens forego-have the Society decided to break the
contr-? Speak I

MR. ONTHELOO-KOUGHT. What is this? The wind freshens-a
storm arises-the sea is mountains high, while the wind-swept cordage
yells again-yet the vessel rolls unguided in the trough of the raging
deep I Ha! the helmsman peruses, absorbed and unconscious of all
around, the daily paper. What madness is this? I will speak to him,
in spite of the printed notice on the- Ho Man at the Wheel!
Danger menaces!
THE MAN AT THE WHEEL (excitedly). I know it! Yes-(reads)
-" He is now reaching that period of life when frequent fits of irrita-
bility-is even now at times positively dangerous-"
MR. ONTHELOO-KOUGHT. He re-inters himself in the journal. I
will seek the captain and inform him of-what ? Does he, too, remain
absorbed in the paper, while the wild and pitiless elements- ? Ho,
skipper We strike a rock-there is a crash of timber I
THE CAPTAIN (reading excitedly). Yes-yes-"he breaks the massive
door of his cage-vast beams eight inches square! The strong walls of
his den bend and crack before the fury of the brute. At such times
none dare approach him save Scott, and- "
MR. ONTHELOO-KOUGHT. Again he inhumes himself in the periodi-
cal I I will appeal to the passengers- How? Do they also- ?
Ho, voyagers! the vessel fills-we founder Hi! hullo I All hope
fades I
CHORUS OF PASSENGERS (reading excitedly). Yes, 't is too true I
"All hope of Mr. Barnum's consenting to cancel- "
MR. O.-K. No, no The fierce and saline billows--
PASSENGERS (as before). Alas, we know it!--" will, ere long, bear
their noble and colossal burden to the shores of America, to take his
part in the mimic pageantry of- "
MR. 0.-K. Ha I the good ship founders-and see,'with eyes fixed on
the daily paper they go down Here Hi! Steward-the life-boat I
** it *

MR. MOOTCHABOWTE. A crowd? A trembling horse ? What can be
the occasion of this assemblage? Ha !-my friend Kummer-Croppar
had a spill from his steed, and broken all his collar-bones, three legs,
and a tooth. Ho I K., my boy, is there any danger?
MR. KUMMER-CROPPAR (faintly, and as if quoting). "The danger
is more real than imaginary. With proper precautions, the huge brute
might still continue to go through his daily performances to the delight
of the little ones of Britain."
MR. M. He is delirious I K.-dear K. 1 How shall he be conveyed
hence ?
MR. K. (as before). "Therein indeed lies the difficulty; although Mr.
William Newman still expresses himself confident of ultimate success."
(Opening his eyes.) Tell me-will they remove him? Will they cut him
off from his accustomed place ? Will they tear him from his natural
position ? Why not let him remain, and tie and bandage him sn that
he can't get out ?
MR. M. (shuddering). He thinks of amputation. No-fear not-your
MR. K. Leg? I spoke of no legs-
MR. M. Of what, then ?

(See Newspapers.)
IT seems a daring thing to say
That those who wish to see a play
Can do so now with easy mind
Concerning risk of any kind;
It bears a hyperbolic hue
Demanding greater trust than man's;
But still, you know, it must be true-
The Board of Works have got the plans !
Each manager, unhappy man 1
Was told to take his house's plan
(With threats of death to him who shirks),
And leave it with the Board of Works.
It needs no brain that's extra brisk-
It's clear, to any mind which scans
The subject, that we 've banished risk-
The Board of Works have got the plans !
We have not heard that they arrange
For making any kind of change,
Or bothering or making free
With structural deficiencee;
We're not asserting that their will,
Or purpose, or intention spans
Improving means of egress-still
The Board of Works have got the plans!
What more could any one desire,
On hearing an alarm of fire
(Although aware, beyond a doubt,
There's not a chance of getting out),
Than sitting calmly in a stall,
The while a sportive flamelet tans
His nose, and musing "After all,
The Board of Works have got the plans ?

Piguliar People
A YOUNG married woman named Agnes Curry has been charged at
the Mansion House with attempting to commit suicide by taking paraffin,
a much too literal way of pouring oil on the troubled waters. She had
quarrelled with her husband in consequence of having cooked a pork
chop for his supper, which was a strange reason, since curry and pork
generally go rather well together. Those agricultural politicians who
want to make out that what is good for Ireland is good for England are
litter-ally wrong : in Ireland the pig pays the rent of the household; in
this case it made the rent in the household.

New Volumes Under the Press of Circumstances.
"A YEAR of the Files," by the author of "Six Months in the Ranks."
"A Fortnightly Inspection," by several "Quarterly Reviewers."
"Able to Answer," a sequel to The Question of Cain."
"The Tartars of Yesterday," an introduction to "The Russians of
"Needle, Belay There 1" by the author of "Griffin, Ahoy I"

MARCH 8, i882. FUN. 97

The Penitent.
NAY, twine about the poet's brow
No gaudy coronal of bays.---
I lack no wreath of laurel now; 1 "
Go, keep them both for brighter days.
I ask a crown-the truth to tell- --
More cheap and easy to obtain :,I''
One lowly napkin, wetted well, I 1
Might calm this fever of my brain.
Bear hence the paper, pens, and ink, il
To-day I will not, cannot write;
Here sadly let me sit and think
Of things that happened yesternight.
Though scarcely in the proper mood
For jotting jingles one by one,
It suits my gloomy soul to brood
On deeds far better left undone.
Say, what was I to Freddy B-
That he should ask me there to dine?
And what was he at all to me,
Except a bosom friend of mine ?
And why was not the dinner plain,
A joint and vegetable feed ?
I put the query once again,
And echo answers, Wty a indeed?
Then, somewhere in a vast saloon,
Were some who sang and some who played
And I forget this afternoon
What laughs we had, or jokes we made.
Full oft, as now it seems to me,
We passed around the brimming cup;
Then Freddy B., with impish glee,
Suggested stopping there to sup.

One thing I never dreamed was this,
That supper meant cigars or drink;
Or, ere I plunged in that abyss,
I might have lingered on the brink.
Go, fetch me seltzer-bring me hock-
And bind the fillet round my head.
I still maintain that four o'clock
Is late enough to go to bed.

PARLIAMENTARY QUERY.-When a scandal is scented out
in the House, is it to the "Noes" that the credit of its ex-
tinction should always be given ?

Teacher having been asked by the new Vicar to inquire oj the Children if they
had all been christened, does so with the following result:-

His Fanciful Little Games.
THE imaginative child who used to wake up early in order to hear
the top of the morning hum, has come to an untimely end owing to his
playing at "draughts between an open door and window.

GOD save the Queen !
A joyous ppean raise
That death can spare
The glory of our days;
Not she to share
The Russian despot's fate.
Liberty and Tyranny
Ne'er mate
E'en in misfortune.
Not for long years to come
May we repine her
Loss. Long to reign o'er us
Victoria Regina I

A-Tacking the Bard.
A CONTEMPORARY states that in Mr. Irving's acting edition of'
Romeo and Juliet several scenes formerly cut out will be found
intact." Does it not mean they will be found "tacked in"?

LOCAL STOCKS. "-Vaga-bonds I

"The sale of Jumbo was brought about by the daily increasing fear that he was
nearing the time of elephant life when he would be in that acutely dangerous condition
known as must. "--W'eekly Paplre
No doubt the council at the Zoo
Felt something like disgust
When first they from their keeper knew
That Jumbo's dangerous state was due.
But still perforce they took their cue,
And cried "What must' be must I"

Church Bawling.
THE Rev. H. A. Walker, Vicar of St. James's, Hatcham, has applied
for a summons against Mr. Churchwarden Saunders for annoying him
during divine service. It appears the vicar insists upon singing the first
verse of the Psalms and some other portions of the service alone, and
he objects to Mr. Saunders turning his solo into a discordant duet. Mr.
Saunders wishes to increase the harmony between them; but the vicar
considers the churchwarden can't sing, while Mr. Saunders evidently
doesn't think the vicar up to a solo. The reverend gentleman's notes
are bound to be of a High order, and there is no doubt they would be
more harmonious if toned down by Mr. Saunders' Lower ones.

Blowing up his Readers.
THAT very hot writer, whose article was written for the Hyde Park
Po, wder Magazine for April, has pursued such a sensational train of
thot ght that the magazine in question is likely to "go off'" very freely,
we h, 'ar.


Illustration is the soul of modern advertising; therefore we need no excuse.
"~~~ ~ ..... ..: -: '

Owing to an IMPENDING BREAKDOWN, is induced to quote ruinous low prices for cash.

* I 7-1'' Ne wliri

The articles only require to be seen and handled to ensure their 'going at once. Arrangements can be made for goods to be sent off without the purchasers
having previously seen them, with payment in advance. The gentleman has also a large stock of all kinds of furniture of noble build and imposing design. He is
well known for his imposing designs."
Mr. FUN knows the gentleman; his name is Legion (not of Honour, but some other place). N.B.-Housefuls of furniture made to Wardour.

S'JFUN.-MARCH 8, 1882.

JJ- is

L -^.

_= ^


(See Cartoon.)
FOOTBALL is such a nice game for the muscular,
Something so lively, exciting, and free,
Played in the open ere daylight's crepuscular,
Giving such scope for the public to see 1
Fortune keeps wavering,
Either side favouring;
Hither and thither the skirmishers run,
Yielding successively,
Charging aggressively,
Ever alert till the battle is won !
Follow up, Salisbury Into them, Donoughmore !
Kick away, Cairns, you are close on their goal!
Ay, but, by Jove here comes Gladstone, so you no more
Need to expect to escape safe and whole.
Strategy tactical
Rather unpractical,
Surely you 've wilfully courted defeat;
While thus he '11 fight about,
Off to the right-about--
Pick up the pieces and beat a retreat!

MARCH 8, 1882. FUN. 101


The plaintiff stated that he took a ticket. He was asked by the ticket collector
to show it, which he did, but refused to allow it to be clipped. .. Plaintiff argued
that the company had no right to clip tickets."-Daily Paper.
THE name of the Briton's synonymous with
The marrow of Justice and Equity's pith,
And shuddering hate of Aggression;
And even the most superficial may see
His firmness in matters of principle he
Regards as his proudest possession.
A vengeance is he to the man who delights
To show opposition to property's rights,"
A scourge to the evil-intentioned;
Oppression retreats to her noisomest den,
And Tyranny trembles and vanishes when
The name of the Briton is mentioned.
The name of the Briton, I 'm ready to swear,
Is honoured and reverenced everywhere,
And nobody ventures to twit it-
Get one of those Brits in a suitable place,
And boldly inquire if it isn't the case,
And see if he doesn't admit it.
These feelings and attributes glowed in the breast
Of Jocabed Robinson more than the rest
Of Britain's immaculate nation;
The firmness of purpose and tact he displayed
Concerning a journey he ought to have made
Are fally_deserving narration.
He'd paid for his transit (I ought to explain
That he was intending to travel by train),
But, when he was passing the wicket,
To wild indignation his bosom was fired
On finding the railway official desired
To clip a bit out of his ticket!
He swore a big oath with his hand to his lip
That innocent ticket they never should clip,
And wrapped it up pretty and hid it;
But the railway official (an obvious ass),
Declared that he couldn't allow him to pass
Or travel by train till he did it.

Oh I! here was oppression and Tyranny too,
And threats against property brought into view
(No matter how sophistry twist them),
Which Jocabed Robinson happened to see,
And, "just as a matter of principle," he
Determined at once to resist them.
The company thereupon growing incensed,
A terribly obstinate struggle commenced,
With summonses issuing weekly ;
The company wholly neglecting its meals,
And Jocabed constantly filing appeals
And paying the costs of them meekly.
He lost all his cases and paid through the nose,
But never submitted, as you may suppose,
For didn't he know that he oughtn't ?
He got into debt, then he pawned his best hat-
But who would regard such a trifle as that
With issues so very imf-.oghtn't ?

This "matter of principle" brought him, in brief,
The joys of receiving parochial relief,
Which seemed to enfeeble him vastly.
I think I must be," he would mutter, the elf!
'The martyr of principle,' somehow, myself,"
With humour sufficiently ghastly.
But still at his heels the same company tripped
Demanding that ticket of his to be clipped,
Till Fate softly uttered her doom's tone.
They never, however, defeated this brave :
He carried his ticket, unclipped, to the grave-
They pasted it on to his tombstone.

"On Saturday afternoon Mr. F. Treves, F.R.C.S., of the London Hospital, gave
a lecture at the Kensington Town Hall. The size of a normal healthy woman's
waist is about twenty-eight inches in circumference, and its shape is oval. The
waist of the costume of the period is twenty-one, and we have known extreme cases
of eighteen and sixteen inches, and the shape is perfectly round.'"-Daily News.

REAL and

11) EAL.

The Royal College of Music.
THE influential meeting presided over by H. R.H. the Prince of Wales
on Tuesday was right royally responded to, the preliminary list of sub-
scriptions amounting to over 10,000ooo. We append some "notes" from
The first thing in connection with musical education is the scales,
therefore a balance at the bankers is necessary; hence the appeal for
funds. Lines and spaces follow, and the Royal College will be on
new lines, and some admirable space is given by the Exhibition Commis-
sioners.q:" Time and tune are the next, and, as the royal speakers in-
sinuated, there is no time like the present for subscribing to a pretty
tune. The air" in teaching music is also most important, and that
at South Kensington will be found salubrious. There are many other
reasons for believing that the new scheme will succeed; many will be
bass enough to give treble the amount they ordinarily would subscribe on
account of the royalty connected with it, especially as music is one of
the Duke of Edinburgh's crotchets, and therefore the public patronage is
not likely to be minimized. The utmost harmony prevailed at the pre-
liminary meeting, and though Mr. Gladstone proposed a resolution
which Sir Stafford Northcote seconded, there was nothing approaching
discord. Of course there are sharps and flats connected with musical
as with every other society, but we chordially wish the undertaking

Prepare to Receive Boarders.
THAT paradoxical article a wooden milestone" might surely be
made of the "chalk bored" we hear so much of in connection with
the Channel Tunnel.


102 FUN. MARCH 8, 1882.


Chorus of certain MILITARY AUTHORITIES : -
As it's not a mere suspicion
That our insular position
Has its comforting fruition
In our safety, common sense
Will admit there's no occasion
To facilitate invasion
By avoidable erasion
Of our natural defence.
Though there be no present danger
Of intrusion of the stranger,
Future time may prove a changer
Of the colour of affairs,
So that every Briton's son '11
Much regret that blessed funnel
Of a precious Channel Tunnel,
As the cause of many cares.
If the bonus to the nation
Of the costly speculation
Be the simple obviation
Of the pangs of mal-de-mer
To a few unstable quailers
Who, unqualified as sailors,
Would be likely to be ailers-
Better leave us as we were !
As we 've failed in ascertaining
How the country will be gaining
By the boring and the draining
Of this tunnel down below,
Do obligingly inform us
(Just to interest and to warm us)
What's the gain that's so enormous ?-
As we should be glad to know.
Chorus of the BRITISH PUBLIC:-
There 's a deal of palaver concerning the chance
Of a tunnel connecting our island with France ;
And we fancy it's queer-as we are on the theme-
That we haven't been asked what we think of the scheme,
For, touching the tunnel,
Whatever is done 'll
Be matter for us to consider, we deem.
We think we may say, for a decentish while
Our custom has been to inhabit an isle,
And it's not in the scope of our memory's range
That we ever desired geographical change;
So, haply this tunnel
In being begun 'll
Appear (as they never consulted us) strange.
As we haven't considered, we cannot declare
As to whether this tunnel's a risky affair;

But, as competent men who have studied it much,
Decidedly seem to regard it as such,
And haply no fun 'll
Accrue from the tunnel-
Just pause ere you give it the finishing-touch.
And (if we are prying, accept our excuse)
Who's building this tunnel, and what is its use?
Who gave them a warrant for making so free ?
And who is to profit ? And whose will it be ?
If somebody's son '11
Throw light on the tunnel,
We '11 look at the matter, and weigh it, and see.
Chorus of afew FINANCIERS and SHAREHOLDERS (to zheB. P.):-
Now, do not give yourselves a scare,
But wisely calm your agitation;
For we will manage this affair,
And that's sufficient information.
We'll tell you (just to stop the fuss,
And take your mind completely off it),
This tunnel will belong to us,
And we shall pocket all the profit.
And if you will demand a share,
And won't attend to our dissuasion,
Why, you can have the risks to bear,
Including, possibly, invasion;
For all considerations fade,
And nought's too good or great for staking
Before the interests of trade-
Before the shrine of money-making.
Mr. FUN will give the answer of the British Public when he hears it-
which he anxiously waits to do.

OUR political world has been enjoying a great constitutional crisis, the
question of the hour being, shall Barnum make away with our Jumbo-
no, no-shall Lord Salisbury make away with the Irish Land Act ? But
it's all the same, with a slight difference: Barnum (Lord Salisbury)
wants to make Jumbo (Land Act aforesaid) perform at his bidding,
instead of at the bidding of its keeper Scott (Mr. Gladstone); so Barnum
constructs a huge box (Select Committee), into which he fancies Jumbo
will walk; but Jumbo is not such a fool as he looks, and won't be
humbugged by Barnum. Then Scott makes an impassioned oration at
the threatened loss of his elephant; whereupon a liberal British public
testifies its sympathy in a remarkable manner, and Jumbo is a greater
favourite than ever. Here our little allegory must come to a full stop,
like Jumbo when they first tried to walk him out of the Zoo.
In defiance of Ministers, the Lords persisted in appointing a Select
Committee on the Irish Land Act, and a Very Select Committee it is too
-being composed of fifteen gentlemen whose unanimity is wonderful.
The first meeting of this V. S. C. was held in private ; we understand,
however, that Lord Cairns, on being nominated as Chairman, said there
was only one thing which would give him greater pleasure than sitting
in the chair, and that was sitting on the Land Commissioners. At this
remark his aristocratic colleagues all laid their forefingers to the sides of
their noses, and wunked a unanimous wink. Refreshments were ordered
in (the four Dukes declining to drink anything but champagne); and
over the glasses some ingenious schemes were propounded for "block-
ing" the Irish Land Courts. Then the company sang in unison "We
are a merry family, we are !" and separated at a late hour almost happier
than even Lords should be.
After re-consideration and soda-water, their lordships decided to
relinquish their injudicious judicial schemes.
The Government will not promise police protection to all the care-
takers in charge of vacant Irish farms; argal, one would think those
who don't get it must be devil-me-care-takers indeed. The Govern-
ment will not permit M. Davitt, convict, to take his seat as Member
for Meath ; as to which the men of Meath may take their A. F. I. Davitt
instead, if they like. But whatever the Government does, it is sure to
offend the Irish Irreconcileables, amongst whom Mr. Biggar has been
conspicuous for a gentlemanly style of language peculiar to himself.
He lately referred to Mr. Herbert Gladstone as "Young Hopeful :"
that Member for Leeds might do worse than rejoin by referring to the
Member for Cavan as "Old Hopeless."
That political Jack-in-the-box, Mr. Bradlaugh, has popped up once
again. Having been twice sent away from the House of Commons,
the Northamptonites have for the third time returned him as their
Member. Tableau vivant, shortly on view,-" The Return of the

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