Front Cover
 Title Page
 July 6, 1872
 July 13, 1872
 July 20, 1872
 July 27, 1872
 August 3, 1872
 August 10, 1872
 August 17, 1872
 August 24, 1872
 August 31, 1872
 September 7, 1872
 September 14, 1872
 September 28, 1872
 October 5, 1872
 October 12, 1872
 October 15, 1872
 October 19, 1872
 October 26, 1872
 November 2, 1872
 November 9, 1872
 November 16, 1872
 November 23, 1872
 November 30, 1872
 December 7, 1872
 December 14, 1872
 December 21, 1872
 December 28, 1872
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00022
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00022
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page 5
    July 6, 1872
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    July 13, 1872
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    July 20, 1872
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    July 27, 1872
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    August 3, 1872
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
    August 10, 1872
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
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        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    August 17, 1872
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    August 24, 1872
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
    August 31, 1872
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
    September 7, 1872
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
    September 14, 1872
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
    September 28, 1872
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
    October 5, 1872
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
    October 12, 1872
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
    October 15, 1872
        Page 158
    October 19, 1872
        Page 159
        Page 160
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
    October 26, 1872
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
    November 2, 1872
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
    November 9, 1872
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
    November 16, 1872
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
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        Page 203
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        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
    November 23, 1872
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 215
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        Page 217
        Page 218
    November 30, 1872
        Page 219
        Page 220
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 227
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        Page 229
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    December 7, 1872
        Page 231
        Page 232
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        Page 234
        Page 235
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        Page 239
        Page 240
    December 14, 1872
        Page 241
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        Page 250
    December 21, 1872
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 262
    December 28, 1872
        Page 263
        Page 264
        Page 265
        Page 266
        Page 267
        Page 269
        Page 270
    Back Cover
Full Text

I v




/ HE danger of absolute darkness was, not to put too fine a point upon it, imminent! The gas-stokers had struck
without a moment's warning, and the meters by such measures were placed in immediate peril of utter exhaustion.
The sympathies of the British Public-by the British Public we mean that portion of it affected by the
gas-strike-were not altogether with the Companies, but they were strongly with-the British Public If the
Companies had behaved with as much fairness as (pace MR. BRIGHT) is compatible with commercial enterprise, the
sympathies would not have had to fall back quite so much upon selfishness for support. But the Companies,
availing themselves of their monopoly, have so long laid-on for their own purposes air, gas-tar, sulphur, and water, in the pipes
by which they were supposed to supply London with pure gas, that when the strike compelled them to fall back upon the raw
material it rather improved than injured the position of the consumer.
But at any rate the Gas Companies contrived to create a panic, on the occasion of the strike of the stokers. This was so
general, that people who lived in the South Metropolis, and who had been accustomed to light candles in order to be quite sure
their gas had ignited, began to hope that the strike had something to do with it.
The Lord Mayor, the Sheriffs, and the heads of the Corporation proceeded at once to the Fun Office, to consult the Chief
Magistrate of the City.
The Worshipful the Mayor observed that the darkness must necessarily afford a great opportunity for betting. He was
interrupted by a voice from the background, which exclaimed, Shut up "
It was found that this courteous intimation proceeded from the Chief Commissioner of Works, who had for a long time
past been seeking admission to the Editorial sanctum, but had been excluded on account of his rudeness to the office-boy.
We're all in the dark at our place he urged.
And so are we! echoed the Home Secretary.
"Then you two had better strike!" observed FUN, amid tumultuous applause. "Ah, my worthy Chancellor of the
Exchequer-you here "
Well," whispered the C. of the E.," I'm obliged to come to meetings of this kind, to see those two fellows home. But
this darkness is a serious question-can you grapple with it ? "
With ease, my dear boy," responded Fur, but if I do so, you must enter into an agreement with me. If I light up
the City, you must lighten the Income Tax "
Done! was the answer.
And then without a moment's delay FUN threw a glorious and unquenchable illumination not only across London but
athwart the whole world by the publication of

9xteenatlJ Plum of flt gef $erie l f of

"A-tr N4ev6 111

ANOTHER Glorious Success, 5
All the Difference, 73
An Alarm at Brighton. 76
Autumn Maneuvres (The), 99, 145
Aquatic Hints, 171
Augspur in the Realms of Fiction, 197
Augspur's Winter Course. 220
Answers to Correspondents, 13, 23, 33, 43,
53, 63, 7 83, 9, 105, 17, 127, 137, 147,
1S7, 17, 177. 187, 197, 207, 217, 229,
239, 219, 262, 270
BERR, 27
Ba tue (A),211
Belinda's Smile, 246

CHATS about Migs, 21, 34, 44, 64, 65, 84,
118, 128, 138,158,168,188, 193, 208, 249,
Complete Angler (The), 76
Cesarewitch Stakes (The), 110
Copy, 165
Concerning Acrostics, 165
Changed 166
Christina. 254
Christmas lumbers, 264

DOUBLE Acrostics, 11,21. 25, 35, 53,57, 67,
75, 95, 97, 118, 119, 129, 139, 149, 159,
169, 187, 195, 205, 215, 219,237, 249, 253,
Ditton Ditty (A), 55
Dispensing with an Editor, Fl
Dr. Deadwood, I Presume, 73
Diekory Dock, 107
Daniel Dabble, 254
Debts of Gratitude, 254

FABLIS of Zambri, the Parsee (The), 23,
27, 37, 47, 57, 71, 81, 8', 103, 115, 125,
135. Second Series, 207, 227, 239, 213
259, 271
Fun's Guide to Margate, 85
Family History (A), 191

GENTLE Savage (The), 7
Goodwood h Discretion, 43
Good-natured Man (A), 155
HERE, There, and Everywhere, 11, 15, 53,
43, 45, 72, 94, 97, 117, 120, 131,141, 150,
162, 187, 190, 200, 21,, 238,'242, 262, 265
Husband's Boat (The), 63
History of lamsgate, 110
How to Stock an Aquarium at the Sea
Side, 120
How I Discovered the Sea-Serpent, 121

JAMEs JONES, the Journeyman Joiner, 41
Jackdaws of Brighton (Tee), 83

KNoxxsus Remarks, 151
KeX ping up to the limes, 242
Lay of a reckless One (The), 151
Legend of Immortal Truth (The), 207
MYSTERIOUS Disappearance of C olone;
Guido Vaux, 6
Margate Monday (A), 67
My Uncle Bill, a Biography, 130
Modern Version (A), 171
My First Evening Party. 233
Mems. on the Calb ndar of 1873, 265
Mutatis Mutands, 266
Magisterial Magnanimity, 271
NoBLn Game of Polo (The), 52
New Licening Act (Tnh), 135
No Quarter for the Quarterly," 191
New Ballad of Policeman Ex (a), 233
Not in Evidence, 252

OUR Shorthand'Notes, 8, 21,'25, 38, 48,
55, 65, 78. 87, 100, 110, 119,129, 139,149,
159, 169, 179, 189, 205, 215, 219, 237, 241
251. 266
Our Warrior Colonel at Wimbledon, 26
Our Leger Analysis, 98

Poets (Tise), 31
Piper C. Peckover's Foreign Substance,
REWARD of Srorting Merit (The), 23
Roundabout Ramble (A), 66
Romance of Ramsgate (A), 115
Regular Round (The), 131
Ringing Down, 137
Remonstrance (A), 156
Recent Cesarewitch Handicap (The), 16)
Ruined! 170
Raidy-made Injustice, 228
SEsiNGo a Subject, 47
.porting Notes, 51
Sometimes, 77
Sporting Explanation, 77
Sensible Lover (-), 104
Spectral Visitant (A), 161
Sporting Card (A), 180
Supper at the Perfidious Tavern, 247
Smithfield Club Cattle Show (The), 260
TURNING Over New Leaves, 14, 54, 105,
148, 1.7, 218, 230, 24)
To Margate by the Boat, 93
To my Parrot, 271
"Tom Hood's Comic Annual for 1873, 261
UNSUSPECTED Corruptions of the Text of
Modern Poets, 232
VIRTUOUS Indignation of Bethnal Green
(The), 16
Vaux Again Triumphant, 36
Very Unspntimental Journey (A), 46, 56
Victim of Imagination (The), 147
" WORDns, Words," 167
Warehouseman at the Dinner Table (The),


AT the Seaside, 79
Cheap at the Price, 123
Co-operation too Civil! 267
Essence of Margate, 90
Effect of the New Licensing Bill, 101
End of the Story (The), 1.:8
Exile, 163
Food and Fashion, 49
Forsaken, 143
Just on the Strike, 225
Little Wee Claimant (The), 213
Lowe-land Highlander (The), 245
Next Act (The), 235
Old Fight (The), 9
On the Stump, 173
Parting Word (A), 59
Question Meet to be Met (A), 153
Bamsgate Reminiscences, 113
Sauce for the Fish, 18
Suggestion (A), 183
That Troublesome Monkey Again, 203

Tympklns's Christmas Dream, 256
Valour and Vaux at Wimbledon, 29
"Will Close Shortly," 39
Welcome Guesi (A), 69
Working of the Licensing Bill (The), 122
Waterlow Hero for the City (A), 193


A-(T)TEMpTING Persuasion, 54
Alternative (An), 55
Aye Eye Sir! 118
Autumn Manoeuvring Sketches from the
recent Campaign, 156
An Un-alp-y Guess, 241
Arrivals and Departures, 266
BaowN Study (A), 158
Bubble and Squeak on the Nile, 176
Bull-Stalking at Chillingham, 186
Barmecide Fare, 188
Borrowed Plumes, 263
CRICRET at Kennington, 42
Chop in the City (A), 136
Cross Purposes, 143
Civil Force, 220
Capital and Base, 231
Cheerful Suggestion (A), 234
Christmas Crackers, 261
DISTINCTION with a Difference (A), 14
Definition (A), 31
Drawing-Room Study, 44
D)ux Femina Facti, 45
Deaf and the Done (The), 107
Division of Labour, 128
Dig at a Pig (A), 148
During the Sermon, 189
Dry and Crusty, 250
Doubtful Admission (A), 260
EAST London'Museum (The), 12
Emotional 202
FACT (A), 78
Female Fashions, 82
First Cloud Across the Honeymoon (The),
Free Rendering (A), 137
Fishy Pronunciation (A), 138
Fact! Really!! (A), 168
Fashions for November, 195
First Ball (The), 263
GROUND of a Strike, 41
Grave Parliamentary Question (A), 62
Going Beyond his Last, 74
Grilogy by the Sea bide, 96
Good Horse can't ba of a Bad Colour
(A)," 1;5
Going a Crupper I 178
Guy Fawkes, 196

HEARTY Wish (A), 25
Here-ing and Seeing, 117
Hey, Ninny, Ninny !" 141
How does it Strike You? 142
Head and Front of his Offending (The),
High Tone, 252
He Jests at Scars," 270
Incorrigible, 182

JEST on the Scaffold (A), 216

KNOCK-Down" Blow (A), 21

LITTLE Knowledge (A), 11
Logical Reason, Answer and Question (A),
Little Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing
(A), 38
Last of the Season (The), 75
Little too much (A), 155 .
Live and Learn, 20ti
Literary Turn (A), 219
Lower Tone, 252
MONKEY Show (The), 72
Men of Margate, 87
Mercitul Man is Merciful to his Drin't
(The), 106
Melancholimaldia, 146
More or Less True, 159
Making Sure of it, 212
Mild Objection (A), 221
Mayor and his Betters (The), 228
Making an Ass of Himself, 240
Non (and a Wink) Notion (A), 8
Not so Bad as it looked, 24
Non mi ricordo, 51
Not Rowing in the same Boat, 61
Not so Dusty, 1 0
Not so far out, 185
Not too Particular, 199
On, where, and oh where? 65
Oat-ium Cum indig-nitate, 84
Out and out, 97
Omens, 101
Our Illustrious Visitors, 127
Of Course, 230
Old Lady of Threadneedle Street (The),
PATTERN Cook (A), 48
Philosophy of Cricket (The), 69
Plait Speaking and Plain Dealing, 132
Pantomime Preparations, 216
ROYAL Academy Soirde (The), 18
Ramsgate Ramblings, 109
Right Away, 127
"Rolled into One," 172
Ringing the Changes, 237
"Relative agrees with," &c. (The), 241
So never and yet so far, 28
Settler for a Squatter (A), 58
Suit-able Dinner (A), 64
Significant, 95
Summiner-up (A), 105
Sketches at Ramsgate, 116
Sorrowing Widower (A), 139
Short-Sighted Argument (A), 162
Stage Direction (A), 198
Star-Telling 205
Second Brew (The), 208
Too Much, 35
"There's Many aTrue Word," &c., 85
Tart and Smart, 119
T o Sides to the Question, 129
I 'king a Hint, 152
Taking a Stiee 'utof Him, 202
T) mk) ns in the I ark Ages, 224
Tempting Offer (A), 229
Turning a Hair, 262
UNIVERSAL Strike (The), 22
VERY Knowing, 108
Views of Christmas, 251
Whole Crew in Mutiny (The), 94
Wunton Waste, 169
Wealth or Art, 192
Wishing for a., ore, 215
Watch o'Clohk, 218
" What's Saune for the Garotter, should
be "Sauce for the" Grazier, 253


S "EARNING oft is
fraught with
(So they tell
us) when it's
dull and

Can't endanger
one a tittle.
List, then, ur-
chin, while I
StLearning is
A o C pa dangerous
T i thing .

we t Make of woman'se
Sa eyes your
C. books,
As the bard of
Erin taught
Or of SHAKES.-
PEARE's run-
B-ning brooks,
Then you'll find small harm they've brought you-
Love, a painful-pleasant folly,--
Or a pensive melancholy!'
From the day, described as natal,
Till your death, perform your mission.
Ignorance is bliss, and fatal
Is a little erudition:-
But be sure, if that's a curse,.
Little-earning's ten times worse!

A Coup de Theatre.
THE Swiss Timres tells a deeply interesting story. FELIX PYAT,
when the Commune's fall was imminent, asked aloud in the Assembly
for an instantaneous poison to prevent his capture by the Versailles
troops. A friend with truly Christian consideration took him a small
bottle of Prussic acid, but PYAT on learning that if the cork came out
it would be dangerous (of course if the cork never did come out, a
fellow might carry a phial of it for ever) declared he would prefer a
pomniard. Nevertheless he went home and took it! The Prussic Acid?
No! The poniard! Not very! What then ?-He took flight.

Big Talk.
THE Philadelphia Ledger announces that the Boston Jubilee is to be
commenced with "a colossal prayer uttered by 25,000 clergymen."
We shall be glad to hear of so many of them being unanimous, but
we are anxious to know whether a steam clerk won't be required for
the "Amen."
A Morno rOR THE PARSIMONIOUS.-" Parting is such sweet sorrow."

I HAD half a mind to head this article A Warning to Editors,"
but true gentlemen and illustrious artists are ever forgiving in the
moment of triumph, and so I will be a true gentleman and illustrious
artist, and by that means my copy will be, of course, inserted.
I often wonder what a man of common mind would do if he were
as clever as I am. He'd very likely cut his throat or become bank-
rupt-perhaps turn teetotaller; but I-I am adamant itself, and,
though sometimes scared at my own ability, I feel it is my metier to
show the world how truly modest and humble a man may be in the
midst of a success unprecedented, unparalleled, and unapproach-
Three weeks ago, noble readers of FUN, I published a letter in the
columns to which I add an occasional brilliance, and in that letter I
told you that north ef Humber there was awhorse called Spennithorne.
At that time few persons were aware of his existence. But my blast
upon the trumpet of Fame roused the spirit of inquiry. Spennithorne
was sought out by my clients, he was backed heavily by them, and-
need I repeat what everybody now knows ?-the horse I selected won
in a canter. Far be it from me to assume merit where merit is not
due, but I firmly believe, in my own mind, that Spennithorne knew
he was honoured by being my representative, which knowledge was
as good as a 141b. allowance.
Therefore, generous sportsmen, don't be shy. Remember, that after
all, gratitude is but a lively sense of favors to come, and to those
that are grateful there shall be yet many winners. The AUGSPURt
testimonial fund (A. S un, Esquire, 80, Fleet Street, chairman, secretary,
and provisional committee) has just been inaugurated, and the chair-
man, secretary, any member of the provisional committee, or anyone
but the Edttor of Fun will be happy to receive contributions. Not but
what the individual last referred to would be sufficiently happy to
receive aught that might be sent, but intending subscribers are in-
formed that he is getting up (shamelessly and all by himself) an oppo-
sition testimonial. Judge then between us, and GIVE FREELY.
It maybe as well to remark for the convenience of those who intend
subscribing to the Successful Turfic, Tippic, and Terrific Testimonial
(A. SPUR, Esquire, secretary, &c.,) that the following contributions are
not essential to the complete success of the undertaking:-
Champagne bottles. Ham bones.
Oyster shells. Pickled whelks.
Old Dutch clocks. Second-hand toothbrushes.
Brick bats. Insect powder.
Temperance tracts. TUPPER'S poems.
Cold pease pudding. Soiled paper collars.
Cheques to be crossed carefully, hampers and parcels of game to be
marked private, and post office orders to be made payable to
Yours expectantly,
P.S.-Stamps taken at 6d. in the Shilling ones preferred pro-
vided the same quantity be sent.
P.P.S.-I think I told you once of an eminent sporting writer who
bought a copy of Shakespeare wherein to verify a text from the
Beggars' Opera. This is his last. It refers to the Sunbury Coach, and
is culled from the columns of which he is the great racing luminary.
The professional cebahman who accompanies Lord Maeduff is not only a great
expert with "the ribbons," but possesses a fund of humour and anedote that
recalls reminiscences of the days of Mr. Samuel Weller, Sen. I

6 1 FUN. [JULY 6, 1872.

uN" 07vCRm, We&Adsay, TJuly 3, 1872. I only want justice. Did he, or.did.he not promise, at St. George's,
Bloomsbury, three-and-twentyNyears~ago next Michaelmas, to love,
honour, and obey, and with all hismworldly goods me to endow till we
THE QLD FIGHT. both thought better of it; leastways -or. contrariwise, at any rate till
Labour. Loquitur. death did us part, or I got a protection order from the magistrate ? Out
PuT up your hands! foriwe shall have to try of my own blessed earnings, sir, (that is to say,, the money he left me
W which of the two i s strongerhall hae tor to pay the rent), have I got a beautiful new THOMAS'S Sewing
Which of the two is stronger- you or th a dump-I! Machine; a sweet watered silk jacket from NIcHOLSON'S, in St. Paul's
Capital'shout onlur work y Labour inwealths not worth a dump- Churchyard, let alone-let alonesa bottle of Madame VALEnY's Uda-
Capital's only Labour in a lump!box carve, tene. Goodness only knows know I have pinched and pined and
This motto then upon.your cash box carve, starved myself,'and my deserted infants, to maintain that man in riotous
When Labour ceases, Capital must starve. luxury-bringing home no less than three commercial travellers and a
Why, every week, youneedob Croesusnt with dense, volunteer in uniform to supper at one in the morning; and raising the
A hundred pounds, where ich w ore content with pence, house because there was -nothing in the larder but ErrPPS Cocoa, and
Our thews and intellects, which work your gain, BATTY's Nabob Pickles. iHe said, ini his sneering -way, that I might
Locked-out, mean loss to you-to us mean paan, as well offer his friends Glonfield Starch. The next time they come
And we are used to it-have borne.starration w
Far better than your wealth can. bear stagnation! my way, 'lll see that they get it.
Far better than your wealth can bear stagnation!I am abandoned, deserted, outraged, neglected, my. heart is.withered,
To-each.his work-to every man his need- and the water in danger of being cut off; to say nothing of the gas,
.i lEngland:.were degenerate indeed, whose lastrwords to me on Monday were, "Mrs.:Fox" (hisrreal name
t apidalaLabour long abide is Fox, sir, leastways, he married me- as such)-"' Mrs. Fox, a- settle-
LFoerface to face; not brothers side by side. ment or a summons." And, if there were one ,thing needed to'fill my
cup of bitterness-and I am sure that three half-pints of YOUNGEn's
ale is all I take between sunrise and supper-if one additional pang
MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF COLONEL could be added to my misery-misery which no Neuraline can alleviate,
GUIDO VAUX. no Lone Whisky lull to slumber, I find it in the fact of your having
COMMUNICATION FROM HIS FAMILY.--AWFUL published my Busband's Portrait-his portrait do I say? Rather
DOMNESTIC DISCLOSURES. should I stigmatise it as a vile, cruel, and calumnious libel. Those
his e) es! That his nose! Themn his moustaches! Why, drat your
LETTER FROM MISS SARAH ANN PRIMSTITCH. impudence, fellow, what do you mean ?
THE MYSTERY AT LAST CLEARED UP. The long and the short of it is that if the Base Wretch does not
ro TE EDITOR or FUN. immediately return to his wife and family I shall take the law into
Sm,-It is the last worm, the proverb beautifully tells us (seoo my own hands-no, I mean I shall appeal to the law. I know a Party,
Tupper, p. 399), which breaks the camel's back; and the trampled sir, which he knows Mr. DOUGLAS STRAIGHT, M.P. Likwise he is not
straw will turn and rend you. Many a mickle makes, good hot unbeknown to the gentlemen-ladies who stand up for Woman's
pickle; an owl in an ivy bush is worth two in the hand, and the -Rights. There is but one cure for such conduct as that of which my
pitcher goes often to the well but lets well alone at last. I have abandoned-I mean my abandoning-husband has been guilty. That
borne much, sir-much more than, in the present maddened state of cure, sir, is the CAT with nine tails, villain, and nine knots in each
the brain, I dare to tell. The anguish, the delirium which oppress me tail. I intend to petition Parliament on the subject immediately. 1
impel me, as with the force of hydraulic pressure at eighty-five tons yet love him to distraction, and I should like to tear his eyes but.
to the square inch (how ie hated water!), to write to you. Sir, I am a As for your unmanly sneer about my omitting to pay for the trum-
woman. Nay, more, I am a wife. Nay, more, I am a mother. Nay, pery advertisement which you were compelled to insert in your rub-
more, a grandmother. Nay, more- [Goodness gracious, we hope the fishing paper last week, I despise it. I am a woman, Sir, and women
lady is not going to say any more.-Ed. FUN.] never pay for anything if they can help it. Ask the cabmen and
SMoi ter t e y d w m H nd the pastry-cooks if they do. Ask my dressmaker. And there is a new
Sir,- monster, rather-what have you done'ith my Husband? glac6 silk coming home next Wednesday, and poor little IGYy hasn't a
Till he knew you his hearth was unblighted, his honour unscathed, shoe to his foot. My brain.burns
his pillow unruffled, and the weekly books settled with tolerable punc-
tuality. Till the accursed hydras, pen and ink, crossed his path, he Your distracted Wife and Mother; no, I mean his distracted Wife
was the most confiding, the most affectionate of husbands. In all the and Mother; leastways his Lawful and Ill-used Wife,
confiding simplicity of a woman's nature, I let him have a latchkey. GODIVA VAUx.
I wouldn't open the door, and I was always waiting up for him, P.S. Since he chooses to spell it VAux, I was too hasty when I said
with something warm for supper; but that matters little. He it was Fox. Really and surely it is-but no; I must not reveal the
has betrayed the sanctity of that latchkey. He has stopped out to secrets of the prison-house. G. V.
all manner of hours; and now he has gone away. He has disap- Accompanying this remarkable communication we found a note
peared. Where is he? No-no, by Heavens I am not mad; but written on pink paper, folded in the form known as the "cocked hat,"
he'd better come home; or, I'll limb him, and you too, you Fiend, ian sttealn on ed (inpaper, folded wax) with the form known as the cocked ehat,"
into the bargain. and scaled (in bronze wax) with the impress of a squirrel eating a
hazel nut, and containing the following, written in the minutest of
He a Colonel! He's no more a colonel than my Dolly Varden skirt ta an hands. cotaiin in the minutest of
is a colonel. He's a-but, hush! 'tis the night watch. I'll tell you
what he is, sir. He's an Image [we Imew that a long time ago : Ed. 0, Mr. Editor, where is he where can I see him now, if only for five minutes,
FUN]. He is the most depraved, the most profligate, the most heart- the cruellest, falsest, dearest and sweetest of mankind? Is he in trouble? Is
ss of mankind. Yes, Demon; you know that you're a Gay Man; that dreadful story about his wanting bail, true ? lhat is bail f Is it anything'
less of mankind. Yes, Demona; you know that you're a Gay Man ; to drink? Has he any clean linen ? I slip this note with fear and trembling
and if I come near you, I'll tear your eyes out. [Is this meant for us, into Mrs. Vaux's letter. Were she to discover it there would be an awful dis-
or for the Colonel We ask the question, since, being funny," we turbance. Her temper, sir, is his, with a great deal Vlore of her own, added. Tell
must be necessarily gay."] him-tell Gumo-that if he is alive and at liberty there is one heart which yet
mustbe eats for him in a chastely platonic manner; and oh! Mr. Editor, why, why, in
Where is my lost GuY-my Guy, my Gui-d-d-d- do? [Here that cruel picture you published of him turn into such pitiless ridicule his Blessed
the paper is blotted.] What am I to say to the Butcher ? How shall Legs. They are not bandy, sir, they are beautiful; and he never wore larger than
I meet the searching eye of Mrs. HERSINGROE, at the general shop ? small sevens in gloves. Yours respectfully,
What further excuse can I make to the Tallyman ? and how am I to Si~AH Ass rPaiSTrrca.
Provide bread for these helpless babes; and, another nearly-, but We stop the press to announce the receipt of letter (postage unpaid),
there is madness min the thought. and bearing the post-mark of the Helvetic Confederation. The con-
In a word, Viper LThe VAux family seem remarkably strong in tents of the missive will speak for themselves:-
epithets], where is he ? Has he enlisted in the Blues ? No, I am Hotel des erges, Geneva.
aware that he is not courageous, and that his Nose might perhaps (notel d as Borges, Geneva.
stand in his way under the new Army Regulations. Has he joined the Dear u, am here (no date.)
Mormons ? I can scarcely believe it, for in his pensive moments he uN,"- am here awfully jolly ; and, as your special cor-
has often murmured that enough was as good as a feast; and that one respondent, the obsert ed of all observers. All about the arbitration
wife was rather better than a feast than otherwise. I believe he put next week.- I am now going to enjoy a "private smile" with BANCRnoFT
it thus: that she was a more than a double-breasted waistcoat-full; DAVIS and CALEB CUSHING. CoxcnuimN, and I don't speak (he tried me
but this childlike remark was uttered in the days when he was a Mani once and summed up dead against me), but more of this anon. We
and before he became a gentleman of the press," forsooth. I'll pressure in a fair way of ettling the arbitration. HA and I ar great
him! A-A-A-h! if I only had him here! [Here, the paper on chums butI don't think much of ScLoIS. Be is proud. I hate
which this epistle is written appears to have been what is in vulgar pride. Yours arbitrarily, GUIDo VYAX.
.language termed "scrunched."-ED.] P.S.-Please remit, handsomely.

JULY 6, 1872.]


Book I. OnDE 8.:
Now, NoRAH-my love,
By the powers above,
Why will you kape killing' poor PADDY MOLLOY,
Till he bates a retrate
From the dust an' the hate,
An' won't ride in state like a bold sodger boy ?
No longer he loves
The last taste of the. gloves;
For he drids the rid stramefrom a crack on the nose :
An' practisin' daily.
The art of:shillelagh
Don'timake him an honour- to friends or to foes.
Like the-dirrty-spalpeen
Who-driisedlike z-woman-to kape- im froziTJtay~.
Oehl "NoRAHumy love,,
Bythe.powers above,
Ydu remakin. a girl;ofpoor PADDY, MOLLOY.
Bookl E Ode 38&.
TV xose an!' the :thisti
Are nottworth whistlee;
TBeiflbwerof my;heartisitbe shamroe.,so greens
Itb6olks nata an' swater
When .drinkin'Vthe= rattr4,
Atnsuekin'.the sowl fromna littl&Ahud&ien;.

THAT' theo stbeks-wera goingg, up,, I;should!have bough timorte- and.:
held theaetillthey f11e flatter thaniaflonnder.
That that clear'headedi Jones had;linvested iithe undlertaking,,TI
shpuld.harve -sai& he:waseanold fooliand put mrapmoneysinto some
thing peloes.
That- youiwere.ppsitively 'comiong,Ilcould have-p.repagled-a plausi,
ble excuses and gpnedinto the country.
That the ungrateful. oldicurmudgeow intendeddlaving the. property;
to thattaycophants William;. I shouldijust hwe--fawned:on :hiiseven r
moretha'n.Ldid, inithe hope. that he wouldzchange'histmindij
Thatt. thbe cistermenover was *dangerously, frail, I! should hve in--
seantly had/it--removed, and' tne chil&-.wuld4'have-tumbldddii.soonerr
than he did..
Thatthaeywere realyinailo, and:were determined' to; marry ,any.-
how, I' shbuld .off course,r,have given amy-daughttr a cursing, and;
turned her into the'street:
That the Trustees were speculating with our money, I could have-
gone in with 'ein.
That you were so fond of Johannisberger, I could have-made a,
pretence of trying to get you some.
That your son needed the place, it would have been easy to-make
you believe I favoured his appoint nent.
That your brother was in Malta, I should certainly have-missed
seeing that place.
That you were about to marry the daughter of my old friend, I
should have written him-that you were a very improper character.

The thread of an argument.
A MAN at Iowa City is reported to have cut his throat and severed
the arteries of his wrists. Three doctors took their needles, sewed him
up, and he recovered; whereupon the doctors sent in a billfor three
hundred dollars. He declined to pay, but the doctors proceeded
against him and won their action. He not only had his mortal coil
shuffled back upon him, but had also to pay for a lot of sewing thread
too, which seems a little hard, especially as three hundred dollars must
be more than such an idiot was worth.

Branching off.
A TRANSATLANTIC journal gives an account of that. combination of
the ynch with the L for which America is noted:-
A wife murderer named Branham was taken out of Sparta prison, Kentucky, on
the 30th ult., at midnight, by a mob, and hanged to the nearest tree.
Our sympathies are with the tree, which was not consulted in the.

Trick and Tie.
MERIT apart, Broken Ties is scarcely a happy-title for a play-it
suggests Brummel's valet and "our failures."

HE were a-standin', were that Injin, in an attitude uv studied neglect
a-gazin melancholy at the Monyerment-that splendid pile which pokes
itself up among the houses beyond the Tems, as you look across from
the other side. He were a dilappydated rooin-a regular low-down
galoot, who hed outlasted his happiness-sech as roams numerous
enough in the foot-hills o' the Sierrys where he may be frequent seen
snakin' the pine-nut from beneath the fallen leaf, or campin' on the
trail of the edible grasshopper),. but sech as out o' Californy and
Nevarder is extremely seldom. W'atihe,-were a-doin 'way ovur yer in.
Lundun, without any mines to'seUll,orrainyivnmigratin' prospectuses to
;distribit, IPev already pointed out:: he-was'a-watchin' the Monyerment
*-a-watcbin' it with sech a fixed' regard uv tender interest as I never
Seen in Injin eyes afore, except, the same .wus bent upon su'thin' to
!eat, His tattered blanketshuagdin a. stitot> trooly regal marjesty
}from his two shoulders., Hit-head4mhie i'p etemeto, have sustained a
!recent unsuccessful rastle withaa-thWasmhing'nhilihek,were ornymented
;with a sprig from the tail'u.wa neagle.. HiianfetiMsparts (if one part
nuv a Digger Iojin ken.beAinferier? toAn a6ertppat>)wus swaddled in
:hissancestral deer-skins, which:etedontbj'.iBtheseaauv a thousand
festivals. His face were-. r thehagg tde)stleflIinest, an' at the
same time the pensivestfdiscriptioma. Tftedernd t'tlijia !
SRemembrin the barny;climateo'Y CslifrAn-y herg.ol; her perpetute
rounddo. sirarberri-s, her i A-treeflher-Y-semnitefihileaG den Gate, and
the' other- perticklers in whickt she rather laysitower any Yurrupean
country5 my heart were warmed over, as it.,were towards this my
countryman. Fer;'as above stated, he slung sech yeaain' and aban-
donedi.' contemplation. at that. Monyerment !-a& Mosyiament, I may
add4outa which if'Pdtience'sebtslin' atglgri*(sh Bwere prob'ly
ibetsmilit'at her own.. I'apprac editeadin :twmancork:some con-
"Psrd er," Ilsaid, "ken .Id6 anythinger-
He;'ididLt'advance any repljybutIW seenieventhocghtlthie remains
o' th ewaxrpint onto his chee]4,that Icouidtatq;anu Ilwere about to
turn-msadly)'away from thesacred4 presenoeuwvan iiatrag etive soul,
'en'he-started out o' that,,an' gripped metiglHttonto lth'sleeve o' my
lhnen coat-yer's the mark,- 'Tblen he p'ihted4to the,'shinin' summit
*o' the.structecr and got rid o' 'thErsetimenUtf6llBin' : -
"'Hi-i-e! Grabig cactus-h- h)l! Stiekenflil sedd&*no m ntamc
upquickl-yow! Paleface seten sheaphigsie-ug *
This, untutored child uv the'Ocoidenteda stook lieMin baUl
iatthe plinto' the Monyerment fet,'one o"thwgiganti Sijiep~ew
uvwhis:M tire:.wild.

An Assault.
Iriis statd- that at the Huddersfield Police Court a man was com-
mitted toaprison for twelve months :-
For an inhuman assault on his wife, the assault consisting of his playing the
"Dead March" in Saul" over her.
We quite agree as to the brutality of this, and-what is more,-if the
instrument was a barrel-organ, we are for hanging him.

The Coach before the Horse.
THIS is rather startling intelligence !
No little scandal ha, been caused in the Civil Service by the discovery that candi-
dates have sent up their coaches to be examined for them (one to avoid detection
bungled his answers and got plucked). .
If this is what coaches are driven-to, it is time. they weredriven off
the, royal road to knowledge.

A knock-down blow.
TMns is good news indeed:-
About 160 of the colliers in the employ of the Bridgewater Trustees at Middle
Hulton, rear Bolton, are on strike. They do not consider that the advance they
have recently obtained is commensurate with the increased price which is being
given for coal by consumers.
We sincerely hope the masters will see the propriety oftreducing, the
price of coals to consumers in order to stop the advance.

A Doubtful Proof;.
THE, .Echo the other day, affirming that the Geneva Arbitrators did.
not-mean to separate, urged that the Lord Chief Justice intended to
stay for Fome time as he had "sent. for and. received his fishing
tackle." Toour mind this looks as if he meant to "take hishook.."

For the Row.
THn accomplished equestrian may be able to cope with all the trilks
and vices of horseflesh-yet how indignant would he be were you to
term him a horse-coper!

' 7

8 FUN. (fJULY 6, 1872.

L J J -y


THE Ballot Bill has been considerably disfigured by the Lords.
They have played the old Harry-stocracy with it! = Strike in the
building trade. If it will stop the bricks-and-mortar invasion of the
country round London, we don't mind. = The Lords had an evening
of Billingsgate over the Ballot Bill. Propriety found a representative
in LORD CLANRICARDE! = The latest from America is that Kansas
farmers are troubled by grub-worms with s'de whiskers." We beg
to suggest a shave." It looks like it. = The wife of MR. JONES, of
Bow, presented him the other day with three sons; and mother and
children are doing well. The SMITHS must look sharp or they will be
outnumbered. Now then, SMITH! = Coroner's jury find four men
guilty of murdering a man near Wigan by "purring." They, of
course, suggest that part of their punishment should be the adminis-
tering of the cat. = A new monthly magazine is to be published "-
there, don't be alarmed I It's at Turin this time. = South Kensingtcn
has a ,show of musical instruments. Wants to be celebrated for
trumpets also as well as shams. = TAPPING convicted of wicked per-
jury in the Partington Divorce Case has been sentenced to two years
of hard labour. As the poet says, The oakum-picker tapping," &c.
= The striking laundresses, of Kensal Town protest against men's
washing. Such conduct may be fairly described as dirty. = The steed
in Leicester Square is still without a iider. Let us put MR. AiRTON
on horseback there! = Great Conservative gathering. Something

described as "a Conservative working man spoke of the Ministry as
"those fellows." Don't think much of that fellow!

An Exhaustive Division.
A CONTEMPORARY urges the propriety of erecting perpetual unlimi-
ted fountains giving drinking accommodation to "dog, beast, horse,' and
man." We should incline to strike out dog, horse and man" and
let "beast" stand for the lot, because there seems under the present
division to be a marked slight to the "Donkey "-unless he is
supposed to be included under the head of "man.' He often is.

Ad Absurdum.
MR. CHAEiLS READE has been defending the murderess DIBLANC.
He implies that a mistress if she goes into the kitchen-the Cook's
domain-must not be much surprised if she is murdered. By all means !
But let us be just to all, and apply this principle strictly. In that
case, a gentleman who ventures into his stables, his garden, or his cel-
lar, must expect to be killed by, respectively, his groom, his gardener,
or his butler.

An Irresistible Bait.
ANGLERS who would spin for jack successfully should follow our
advipe-try a spinning-jenny!

]FUN.-JULY 6, 1872.



JULY 6, 1872.] iIN 1


HALF of the year is fled,
And summer, which once seemed dead, I
As the Dean said with-comic asperity,
Sets-in with accustomed severity.
When the month begins
We tnd, for our sins, 6
The warmth.displays pitiless, ferity.

1. For a diadem
'Tis hardly a gem
The craftsman e'er would borrow;
Its name it receives
From the sombre leaves
That bear the stamp of sorrow.
2. You find it in a leafy spot,
'Where fierce suns cannot bale :-
A thing to seek when days are hot,
But not a thing to take.
3. If you aspire to make it, when
The sun is gladly shining,-then
'Neath music's charm if you would bring it,
Why make your dough, and soon you'll sing it
4. A clever book by a clever man,
When his career of fame began.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 276. Height, Season :
Harness, Erke, Idea, Glass, Hero, Taxation.
Hermes Trismegistu-; Ruby's Ghost; Bab; Smug; S E. O.,
Dawlish; D. E. H.; Homelcss Punsy; Pimlico Tom Cat; Chops
at Gatti's; Ozone; Yerrip; Alfti; Charley and Ti; Sido; Sodger
and Tiney.

Atalanta and Collar'd 'un.
"ALL is oar! i' was the Atalanta Four-tune, not
see the Conquering Hero!" -

Past endurance. A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.
A. CORRESPONDENT writes to us to complain of a .Fitzdarence Mountmorency :-" Now, CONFIDENTIALLY, WHICH DO YOU
neighbour, whose peacock screams incessantly. What REALLY THINK THE BEST OF THa MISS BROWNS ?
of that? We have a friend who lives next door to a Miss Constance Tallowfat (daughter of a retired Bone-boiliot) :-" WEALL!
ladies' school, and is constantly annoyed by the s.und I DON'T KNOW; JULIE IS PRETTY, BUT, BETWEEN YOU AND H-A D I, ADA IS

HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. Miss MAGGIR BRENNAN loses none of the verve with which her name is
associated, and calls doan repeated acclamations from the gods. To
WITHIN the past twelve months so many new pieces have been pro- those who have heretofore only seen Mu. GEoRGE eIGNOLD in ex-
duced, and so many old plays revived, by the management of the tremely "robust" parts, his acting of the cold impassible captain is
Queen's theatre, that a pcbange in the programme attracts, as a rule, indeed a treat; and the representative of the Undergraduate himself,
but little attention; and this may possibly account for the fact that Ma. W. H. VxRNON, is an actor considerably above mediocrity. MR.
something more than usually desperate has been lately done to secure VOLLAIRE and MR. HENRY MAnsTON do their best, but are so badly
the attention of a neglectful public. The new four-act drama, The fitted with parts that it would seem a mercy did some beneficent fairy
Undergraduate, produced a few nights back at this house, would be reduce them to the level of pantomime, and effect a rapid change.
intensely realistic were it not that its incidents could not possibly take Ma. VOLLAIRE would make an excellent scout, and Ma. HENRY
place in real life; its various situations would be novel were it not MARSTON might impose on any one as a college Don.
that they have unfortunately been seen upon many stages in many With regard to the mistreatment of undergraduate character by one
plays already, and the whole business would be melodramatic were it who was for a short time himself an undergraduate, we need say little
not, also unfortunately, that ridicule claims the major portion of this here. Still we are reminded of an old proverb which says somewhat
awkward compilation for its own. Fancy an old scout telling a baronet- tritely, but in this case appositely, "'Tis an ill bird which fouls its
undergraduate's mother that her son gives him as much trouble as any own nest." But the whole compilation bears its own contradiction so
four men upon his staircase, and assuming a patronising air that in distinctly upon it that, we can only wonder that long columns of large
such company would ill become the head of a college; and fancy later type should have been wasted in telling the world that MR. FREUND'S
on, when the hero has been seduced into playing at an unknown game Undergraduate is known to none less than to undergraduates themselves.
of cards for fabulous stakes, and sinks drugged and helpless into-a ON Wednesday, June 19th, the annual dinner of that excellent
chair, this same scout assuming the part of guardian angel, and in a charity the City Orthopwdic Hospital was held at the London Tavern,
blaze of limelight and to slow music bursting through the window to the chair being taken by the EARL OP ABERDEEN, who kindly consented
discomfit the blackleg and succour the undergraduate! In addition to preside at short notice in place of the MABQUis or LoRNE, who was
to all this there is a comic principal, an abduction, several love-scenes, indisposed. About a hundred sat clown to table, and the amount of
an attempted murder, a grand reconciliation, and mirabile dietu a subscriptions announced by the secretary was very satisfactory.
special atmospheric delusion, evidently taken from Murphj's famous During the evening due honour was done to the various gentlemen,
Almanack, which comprises, frost, snow, vivid lightning and real who take continuous and active interest in the welfare of the Hospital
teaboard. thunder, the ozone from which has a material influence in in Hatton Garden, and amongst whom the surgeons, MR. CHANCE
calming the angry feelings of the principal characters. and MR. N. H. SiavENs, deserve special recognition. The EARL
'Far different from the play itself is the acting, which is in the main or ABERDEEN having to leave early, Silt JOHN BENNETT took the chair,
of the best possible description. Of Miss HonsoN's impersonation we and continued the list of toasts. The proceedings were enlivened by
can only say it is at once powerful and delicate, natural and artistic, vocal music, and the singing of Miss BLANCHa RmivxEs was highly
and does much to make anaudience forgetful of the author's blemishes, appreciated.

SFUN. [JvaL 6, 1872.


YEs, sir! Me an' your hartis' went to the hopenin' according' to
orders, xcuted with punkshuality and dispatch (N.B. a light truck on
'ire). In order to explain the thing clearly, hallow me to dror it
out geographical. Bednal Grin is bounded on the west by London,
on the East by the Eastest end o' London, on the North by somewhere,
and by the Docks on the South. It is haso surrounded on hall sides
by poverty, hunger, bad publics, pawnbrokers' shops, an' westrymen,
an' if it weren't for our parson-and 'ow he finds time to write them
'ANsARD Debates as M.P.s steals their speeches from is surprisin' to me
-it ud be more a 'owlin 'er wilderness than it har.
Your hartis' sir is a harrystoerat! I 'ad itched my moke to as neat
a shaller as a feller need wish to drive to market in; but he turned up
his nose countymeelus, an' sez he, he'd rather 'ave a Nansum, which
don't ply in our naybrood, owin' to most of us a-keepin' of our own
conweyances-if it's on'y a 'an'-barrer.
'Owsomever it ended in us walking ; as made your hartis' that
dry as we was druv to take refudge in a cool peooter of porter, in
which he buried his harrystocratically countymeelus nose for as long
as it 'ud take yer to measure a bushel of peas-which don't shell out
up to especktashun this year owin' to the 'eat.
Consekently we wos delayed. The Prints-in spite of your hartis'
a-sayin' as His Ryle 'Ighness wooden' begin without him--had run

throo the hopenin' and we jest got theer in time to see a ninthoosya-
stick cheer, and 'ear a glimse of his back as he got inter the cardge.
The Building' bein' hall as there was left to see, we seed it.
Arkitektoorally I don't know nothing about it an'can't say whether it's
lothic, or Donic, or Goric, but it belongs to whichever o' them orders
(not admitted after seven when I were chektayker at the Theayter
Ryle, Bednal Grin) as mose resembils summat between a dish-kiver
and the tin-linin' of a railway tunnle.
The most iniristin' objek as it contains is, as far as we Bednal
Grinners are consarned, the Hanimal Produks," as is a narangmen'o'
meets and other arktikls o' food, which is a rare an' curus spectkl
down about 'ere. Which we 'opes as the show will be hopen o'
Sunday so as we might 'ave a belifool o' looking' at meat if ue adn't
none for our dinners. Which is hoffen. Wun thing I noticed were
as in them parts as these 'ere produks come from, the beef an' muttn
is red an' white, wot we sees 'ereabouts bein' a newniform brown
At this pint, your hartis' wanted sum beer, and then sez as he
must ge to Mawlburrow 'Ouse to explain to his Ryle 'Ighness 'ow it
were as we wos so late, and to pollergise for his habsins. But he
preevus took me to a namanbeaf shop in our naybrood wheer he stood
cowheel, ealpies, an' plumduff, not a part-takin' itselff owin' to its bein'

JULY 6, 1872.1 F U N 13

probable as the Prints he' sed might arst him .to stay an' dine, an it
weren't hetyketty to refoose nor yet not to 'ave.a napitite.
Wherfor I begs to suskribe myself with umbel dooty.
Your obdient servt,
N,B. A light trunk on 'ire. Orders xcuted with punkshuality and
dispatch. Waitin' at evening' parlys. Enquire in the coalshed if I
ain't in the tatur-shop, or sen' roun' to the Hanker Biershop.

SuNnY weather bright and cheering !
Azure skies, at last, and fair !-
'Artist hands must never weary-
Sunny weather's rare.
White umbrella, easel,:brushes,
Quit the corners where ye lurk:
Noon has followed morning's blushes ;
I must get to work!
Idleness is ever folly;
I must e'er the meadows free.
Fare you well, my cousinmPomrLY,
Till we meet at tea.
"May you come! Well- swear sincerely
Not to hinder or delay-
Swear to let me work severely-
Then-perhaps you may.
There's a nook will suit us nicely ;
Thousand bees upon the wing ;
Smiling river ; trees-precisely!
Just the very thing.
Pitch our humble tent securely;
Not a beam can struggle through:
'Neath-the white umbrella surely
There is room for two.
Where's my pipe! I'll just begin it.
("Always smokinglike a Turk' ?) ,
Just a rest for half a minute,
Then I'll set to work.
Labour's cheek is ever rosy-
Precious moments quickly flit-
If that volume isn't prosy,
Read a little bit.
Let me lie and rest supinely,
Drinking dreamy poet lore:
POLLY, dear, you read divinely-
Read a little more.
Let me.hear of brooklets purling,
Something 'birds' and something skies,'
With a maze of ringlets curling
Nearly inmy eyes.
Are my dreamy senses failing ?
Tell me calmly if it's true,
That the white umbrella's sailing
Up among the blue ?-
Six o'clock already P Never!
Where's the work that was to be ?
Why, I haven't touched-However,
Let's go home to tea.

THE Times of the 24th inst. contained an official communication
from COLONEL HENDERSON, as to the Police Regulations during
H.R.H. the PaiNm OF WALES's visit to Bethnal Green, which astonished
that neighbourhood and puzzled the public. By a singular error it
was gravely announced that "to prevent obstructions to the thorough-
fares on the occasion of the opening of the Bethnal Green Asylum by
H.R.H. the PaiNoc or WALEs certain directions were to be observed.
Did the gallant Colonel, with keen foresight, already regard the New
Museum as the future asylum for South Kensington refuse, or did he
.slyly allude to the excellent physician of the Bethnal Green Lunatic
Asylum, who although one of the two chief promoters of the museum,
was to be unworthily ignored in the day's proceedings ? When FUN
,sees a modest man disliking to sound a fanfare on his own trumpet, he
-rather likes to startle him by blowing it for him. The minor actors
in the Bethnal Green performance, or ,the '" Reception Committee,"
-were ostentatiously presented to His Royal Highness; the authors of
the successful piece were not called for. FUN begs to lead before the;
curtain Da; JOHN MiLLA, aand in hand with SIn ANTONIO BRaDY.

SIr,-I have incurred considerable expense in collating the following
wisdom from the unpublished works of the illustrious Da. JOLCOP'PL
Sprun. If one human being is benefitted by them my surprise will
be esteemed an ample equivalent fur the outlay. DOD GRILE.
However rich a man may be, he needs not despair of marrying, so
long as he continues sufficiently old, and his cough goes on regularly.
If his paralysis shows a disposition to assist, it increases his chances.
People who honour their fathers and their mothers have the com-
forting promise that their days shall be long in the land. .They are
not sufficiently numerous to make the life assurance companies think
it worth their while to offer them special rates.
There are people who dislike to die, for apparently no better reason
than that there are a few vices they have not had the time to try; but
it must be confessed that the fewer there are of these untasted sweets,
the more loth are they to leave them.
The man who has lost caste has no title to congratulation when he
has merely found it in another's eye.
Men ought to sin less in petty details, and more in a lump; so that
they might the more conveniently be brought to repentance when
they are ready. They should imitate the ,touching solicitude of the
lady for the burglar, whom she spares much trouble by keeping her
jewels well togetheruin a box.
The Psalmist never saw the seed of the righteous begging bread-
In our day they sometimes request pennies for keeping the crossings in
To Dogmatism, the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as'theSpirit of Evil;
and to pictures of the latter it has appended a tail, to represent the
interrogation point.

"If people-only knew how fodlish'it is "tortake their wine with a
dash of prussic acid, it is probable that they would prefer to take it
with that addition.
"A man's honour," says a philosopher, "is the best protection he
can have." Then most men might.find a heartless oppressor in the
predatory oyster.
The canary gets its name from the dog, an animal whom he looks
down upon. We get a good many worse things than names, from
those beneath us-and they give us a bad name, too.
Let the Church take heart; scoffers are like travelling fools : they
always select the fairest walls upon which to inscribe their defacing
names. They are like them in divers other respects.
"Eccentric is the -solemn judgment of the stalled ox upon the
sun-inspired lamb.

SMSID to pOdnsuxitts.

[We cannot return wuneceepted XSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
palied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ouresakes
responsible for loss.]
BOBBING AnouND.-You have mistaken the first letter of your pseu-
donyn ;-it should be R," for the joke was originally the property of
Joseph Miller, Esq.
M. (Mile End).-Your lines should be telegraph wires, they are too
strained for verse.
"VERY GooD."-Which it ain't!
R. L. (Lavendar-road).-Unsuitable. is our answer "in the usual
course;"-if you had adopted "the usual course," by sending a stamped
and directed envelope, the MSS. would have been returned.
H. A. H.-The man who can write halting verse on the 25th of June,
must expect no quarter from us!
friends knew you were, they would issue a writ de Lunatico.
TiNxan.-'Twould be well if you applied your art to your verses.
STOKx NEWINGTON.-Bless you! Your tale interests us much!
ADMIRER OF WIT.---Tis as well as it is. Why should the race be per-
petuated ? Besides, you could adopt the result of your friend's accident.
Declined with thanks :-J. D., Blue Anchor-lane; F. G.; Tommy *Dodd,
Burton-on-Trent; H., Lant-street; Gladiator; B. B.; T. A. M.; E. M.,
Dane Hill-row; Joey, Chelsea; J. R., Leicester-square; I. T. J.; W. W. J.,
Fenchurch-street; W. B.; Impudence; B., Fearnley-road; X. P. Y.;
C. P.; St. E's Ghost; A. E.,-Norfolk Terrace; R. W. A., Glasgow.


[JULY 6, 1872.


The Bermit's L, tter is a farrago of talk on everything under the
sun-and something more. Its tendency, if anything so wandering
can be said to have a tendency, seems to be towards Odgerism. It is
a pity the Hermit should have so far ventured from his retirement.
Hal and I (STOCK, Paternoster Row) is apparently a burlesque
defence of religion against atheism. It is therefore scarcely in our
line,-we don't consider creeds can be comically argued.
Joseph Mortar to his Brethren (REEs, Ipswich) is an incoherent
address to working men, penned by an admirer of SIm C. DILKE. It
is amusing at any rate, and perfectly harmless. Its object appears to
be to advertise the "Financial Reform Almanac."
A pamphlet on Foreign Wines, by MR. VERKRUZEN, is pleasant reading
this hot weather, and is moreover instructive. It contains particulars
as to the vintages of the last ten years, and a number of interesting
details. The last page gives three or four receipts for making cool
summer drinks, which are very delicious-especially the Mai Trank.
MR. VERKRUZEN is doiui good wor. in introducing the pure and fine
German wines, too seo inm mrt with here. Let us commend specially
to hock-lovers a cool ilasu of Dei.d sheimer Auslese this hot weather !

The Value of Kindness.
IT is reported that a man was killed somewhere in the country a few
days since while crossing the rails." It only shows what an excellent
thing is kindness. If that man had shown consideration for the
feeling of dumb things, and conciliated instead of crossing those rails,
he might be alive to read this paragraph. Even the best steel rails
are not invariably of the best of tempers :-take our advice and
never cross them.

Now Ready, the Twenty-second Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. ; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. eakh.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
On the 5th July will be published, price One Shilling,
A selection from the early volumes, with three hundred illustrations.

C R --O Q U[ET C R KEi"-.. I ~~A C... K

Printed by JUDD & CO., Phwnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor.), at 80, Fleet-street, E.O.-Loadea: Jul) 6,1872.

JULY 13, 1872.!


COME, swear to your FUN,
My Hurlingham gun,
No more upon pigeons to fire;
For their flight is so fleet
That they constantly beat
The electrical spark in the wire-
The wire-
As we learn from the sage TEGETMEISR.
And you too, oh, cook,
Must be brought unto book.
If pigeons in pies you will thrust,
No more you'll prepare
With their legs in the air,
And their toes sticking out through the crust-
The crust-
So to treat them is fairly unjust.
Once we thought nought could match,
The electric dispatch;
But theTost's proved the worst of King Logs.
The transmission of words
Is transferred to the birds,
And the telegraph's gone to the dogs-
The dogs-
Its fleetness the pigeon's flight flogs !

You-go too far!
DE. FOBES WINsLOW writing about the insane
rhapsody" published by the friends of JOHN SELBIr
WATSON, and purporting to be written by him, declares
it to be corroborative proof of the pri oner's lunacy.
Unfortunately he speaks of this proof of insanity as
"worthy of the pen of VICTOR HUGO!" This would
be a very good plea, if genius were a qualification for a
madhouse; but surely Da. WINSLOW must see that with
such a high standard for admission, the asylums would
be comparatively empty, and then what would become
of mad doctors?

THE BisHOP OF WINCHESTER is going to abolish fees at
baptisms, and the Church Herald says apropos of the bill,
that it hopes he will at the same time sweep away
parish clerks altogether! Are these the Amen-ities of
religious journalism ?

- 5


THE Royalty has produced a new piece, S. D., the venture of
a gentleman who on this occasion signs himself Bertie Vyse
Who Bertie Vyse is we must not tell, but we are breaking no confi-
dence when we say he is well known, as the Editor of two defunct pub-
lications, as the on6e-happy possessor of a wooden gun, and as the secre-
tary of a trade society. The only refl action of which we are capable,
after listening carefully to the new -nd original comedy-drama, is
that it appears much easier at the Royalty to produce s. d. behind
the curtain than to obtain it in front of the house. It may be as well
though to inform our readers-we give this on the authority of the
author and the programme, not as ihe result of observation-that
S. D. has a second meaning, Love. Self, Devotion. The story runs
upon the love which a most exemplary young doctor, who becomes
suddenly and mysteriously rich, beirs for a lovely girl, the daughter
of a merchant who becomes equally suddenly and mysteriously poor,
and upon the machinations of a cashiered captain and another
merchant, though to what end these same machinations are directed
it would not become us to say, as we really don't know. There is a
forged letter, and of necessity arising therefro m a rupture in the love
ties of the doctor and the beauty; bat we think that all ends happily,
as a marriage takes place, in token wberpof some person unknown and
unseen tinkles upon an empty glass with what suggests itself to he a
-long-pipe stem in feeble imitation of church bells; but as this is done
before the wedding party sets out, we are, maybe, mistaken. Tne
only thing positive about the play is that one of thi characters insists
at intervals of ten seconds exactly on the fact of his being "a blunt
min," but constant repetition takes the edge from even this brilliant
joke, even as we are told constant dripping, i.e., drops of water, will
wear away stone. It may be as well to remind .the actor entrusted
with this clever oratorical display, that true comicality is as inde-
pendent of knee orookings and tricks of the m uth as true acting is
independent of red paint; and in conclusion, and as a return for this,

we may confess our ignorance of the fact that City speculators and
company mongers settled their a counts at Tattersall's.
If, as people say, an Englishman is happiest when he is dining, and
if-as we know an Englishman loves a garden, those who were pre-
sent on the 2nd instant at the annual dinner of the Gardeners' Royal
Benevolent Society were blest beyond their merits. Anyhow they g t
their desserts-from Windsor Castle principally., Such grapes! Such
peaches! Such melons! The mouth of our memory still waters at
the recollection. But-as we were g.ing to say, ere the fruit led us
astray like our first varentess-the great dining-room of the London
Tavern was a combined fernery and palm house for the nonce, thanks
to MEssRs. VEITCH, LER, and WILLIAMS, while the tables and there
were many-were a sort of table-land of Cashthere, covered with roses
(an acre or so of them) from Mr. TuaNe,'s nursery at Slough. Amid
such surroundings we could have enjoyed a dinner of herbs with con-
tent, but we had such a feast as the London Tavern is noted for, and
such rare good wines as the worthy managerbthereof, Ma. WHITPIBLD,
has stored away, in his cool and capacious cell4rs. And when the
banquet was over we had "a feast of reason and a flow of soul" of the
best quality, for there can be no better chairman found anywhere
than the Rev. REYNOLDS HOLE, who combines the horticulturist, the
rosarian, the literary man, and the orator, with all the high qualities
of the true English parson"

The Sole Excuse.
A CONTEMPORAuY declares itself at a loss to understand the verdict
recorded in the following case:-
Two men have been found guilty of murdering a poor journeyman shoemaker
near Papiermuhle, in Switzerland, because be re'isted them wbhn they trid to
steal h's boots. And the jury found that on this aspect of the facts Wteir crime
was committed with "extenuating circumstances."
We presume by extenuating circumstances is meant a simple desire to
stand in his shoes.


SFU[JL. 13, 1872.

ire- ;street, and get a summons against COLONEL GUIDO VAUX, alias Fox-
FUN OFFIC., Wednesday, July 10, 1872. ED. FUN.)
Is this your gratitude ? Are these my just rewards, and is it thus
A FISH'S TALE. that JovE his plighted faith regards?" .Hic pietatis honos ? Sic aos
A v unfortunate F sceptre reponis? Is this the way in which F treats its special
A vRY unfortunate FIS, correspondents ?
Who had opened two widely his faues, The story of my woes shall be brief ; but it shall be brief. Tremble,
Has gulped-very much 'gainsthis wish- WOBBLn s! The mills of the gods grind slowly, but they shall bring
A dose of the hottest of sauces :-f thy nefarious nose to the grindstone. I arrived in town last Thurs-
Oh, wasn't that FIH very flat day at 6 p.m. from Geneva, whence the last despatch I condescended
He opened his mouth very wide- to send you was dated. Looking in at my club (I had to knock up
To enlarge it what trouble he took! the porter), the Junior Cockroach in Pall Mall, to obtain a clean dicky
He expected some millions inside, and a champagne cocktail, I found a telegraphic message from you,
And he got all he wished-with a hook! directing me to proceed iostanter to Bethnal Green, and to write a
Oh, wasn't he savage at that! long eclectic, aesthetic, and archaeological notice of the pictures and
If hungry, or surig from droth, articles of vertu in the Hertford collection, so generously lent to the
If hungry, or suffering from drouth, public by SIa RICHARD WALLACE; the hero of Scotland, and the god-
SRemember, dear Fyou, if you re wise, father of innumerable Newfoundland dogs. I knew him well several
It's as well while you open your moeyesh, hundred- of years ago. We were at the battle of Bannockburn to-
Not to close so completely your eyes,-o gether, and took a "richt gude willlie waucht" together, in company
Oh, dearwhat a flounder youlook!with the rIGHT HoN. ROBERT AUSTIN THE BRUCE. the Rev. Dr.
For claims indirect-and that's flat- ComYN, and RB RoY 'MACGREGOR SCHOOLBOARD, EsQ., author of
Directly your claims will pay cost; Waverley and composer of" Paddleyour own canoe." Your telegram
By trying to snap at a sprat, concluded with these remarkable words:-'-Don't blow up the
You a mackarel clearly have lost-- museum. The collection is very good, and the object a very worthy
You've got all you asked-with a hook one ; and it's quite hot enough in Bethnal Green already."
I thought, Malignant Gnome, that in this reminder you were alluding
to the heat of the weather. Little did I imagine the nature of the
THE VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION OF BETHNAL caloric which I was fated to endure in Bethnal Green. I at once
THEN- Vobtained a hansom cab, and, feeling somewhat fatigued by my journey,
GREEN.* desired the driver to proceed at a rate of not more than four miles an
PROTESTS or THE OUTRAG.D INHABITANTS, WOBBLES TEa TEntILEs hour. I could not help noticing when we had quitted Shoreditch,
DENOUNCES THE HARDENED MISCREANTS OF A REPTILE PRESS. threaded the narrow (but architecturally exquisite) Church-street, and
E O NL ADEN t A ET N were proceeding along the superb and majestic Bethnal Green Road
EXTRAORDINARY ADVENTURES AT THE EAST END that windows were generally thrown up as the vehicle passed; that
OF COLONEL GUIDO VAUX. from these casements heads (with a nobly intelligent cast of coun-
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. tenance) 'were protruded; that fingers were pointed at G. V. from the
foot pavement; and that a confused murmur of tongues floated on the
4 friendly taproom, Holywell ane, hosreditch. ambient air. ,In one instance a fine young fellow in the kennel, whose
ao smatter what date. apparel consisted of half a shirt and one trouser leg, gave a shrill of
COME, come, I say, old fellow, this is rather too much of a good welcome when he saw me, and applying his 'dirty thumb to the tip of
thing. When I agreed to become your special correspondent (at a his intellectual looking nose, spread his fingers out in the shape of a
salary of 5000 per annum, paid half-hourly in advance), here, there, fan. Happening to be Perpetual Grand Piano of the antediluvian order
and everywhere, par monts, par vaux, et par chemins, it wasn't in my of Hippopotami, I returned the Masonic Sign and smiled blandly. The
contract that I was to be assassinated. Already have I undergone the next moment I found a fragment of a vegetable product of some kind
most awful perils, the direst hardships, and the most exquisite tor- deposited at the base of my double-breasted waistcoat. It was a cab-
tures on your account. Although you may ignore the fact, or affect bage stump. "Sweets to the sweet," I said gaily, sticking the
to doubt my veracity, I find that within the three months I have leguminous fragment in my button-hole. Once more there came in
passed in your service I have spent 2,627 3s. 10d. in bribes to contact with my nose a substance of oval form, and of a dirty white
foreign potentates, flunkeys, ambassadors, and journalists and police- colour. Fractured by the concussion a yellowish *iquid exuded from
men on your account. In addition to this pecuniary loss:- it. The article had a powerful odour, less resembling BREIDENBACH'S
Innumerable times have I been confined in noisome police cells on perfectly Wood Violet than asafoetida and bilge water. It was in truth an
false charges of being d- k and d-s-r-y, or d-k and i-c-p-e, and fined five egg. I had received an Ovation. Well, this was one of the penalties
shillings on your account, when all the time I had only been studying "Life."
Thrice have I sate in the stocks in the rural districts in order to discover from y for popularity. The illustrious cannot he private even if
she o rte nc ~otr i et d ict dr de ve we must pay for popularity. The illustrious cannot be private even if
actual experience whether county magistrates had still the impudence to order the they would. As a rule the world knows nothing of its greatest men.
infliction of a barbarous and obsolete punishment. When it does recognise them it throws rotten eggs and decayed cab-
Once have I been privately hippedd in Newgate in order to afford personal bage stumps at their heads.
gratification to members of the aristocracy, and "copy for the gentlemen of the
press, and to ascertain how many lashes could be given in a quarter of minute by I remained in the Museum, absorbingly engaged in the per-
s Jo BENTT's watch formance of my critical task, from nine a.m. until dusk. How
Once have I been warned off Newmarket Heath by the stewards of the Jockey exquisite are there the GUIDOS; how warm the CLAUDES, hOW fiery the
Twice have I been kicked off the premises of the Patrician Pigeon Slaughterers TURNERS in the WALLACE loan collection! and SPiEs what a style
Association. there is about him! and' POND There, indeed, you have a true artist.
Ten times have I been refused admission to the Royal Academy Exhibition by the The refreshment room of SPIERS and PoND is one of the most splen-
Bloated Beadles of that Consequential Corporation.
On several occasions have I experienced the severest mental anguish from attend- did contributions to the Bethnal Green Museum.
ing the performances at several Metropolitan Theatres Royal, which I disdain to I was engaged in criticizing half a pork pie arid a glass of iced
mention claret, when I heard a voice behind me say in a low but agitated
Never have I spent a happy day (nay, not even at Rosherville), never has the tone-
calm sleep of innocence visited these weary eyelids since the fatal moment when in n
your Editorial den I signed the Horrid Compact, drew my flrst half hour's salary If thatisn't the warment, I'm flummoxed.
(in advance), and received from you the definitive instructions: Go AND BLOW TO I twig his conk," responded another voice.
vsRTBODYn, AD THEN oo ASD BE BLOwED TOURsELP. Ill bet three pots o' cooper it's the bloke," muttered a third.
All these things have I borne with a patient shrug. At least they With these were mingled sotto voce exclamations of" Cheese him!"
stopped short of murder. But, sir, when it comes to having your "Nobble him!" Stag him!" "Hit him over the nut with a ripping
clothes torn off your back (including a new pair of trunk hose with chisel!" Knock his two eyes into one !" and the like. Unac-
one and'ninepence in the left hand pocket); your hat (one of MELTON'S customed to hear such language, I turned round and saw a knot of
best) crushed over your manly temples- your eyes blackened; your intelligent East-Enders glaring at me with ominous eyes.
nose twisted; your teeth displaced ; your corns trodden upon; your "Hooroar!" they suddenly cried. "Oh, the werry willing' himself;
ribs fractured; your stomach jumped upon; your backbone sat upon, and we shall get the under pound that WOBBLns has offered for his
your feelings outraged, and your life threatened-to say nothing of comprehension. It'll be twenty quid apiece !"
having to listen to WOBBLES the Terrible, the Anarch of the East Gentlemen!" I remarked, 'anxiously; I really am at a loss to
End, I think, sir, it is time to protest; I think it is time, as my understand-"
friend, COLo NL Haxs BREITMANN says, to raise CAIN and break Now, look here! exclaimed an intelligent East-Ender, striding up
things." Sir, I will no longer endure these insults. By my Jump- to me, and thrusting a fist, of the size and hue of an ah-top kidney,
me Tibby I won't. G.V., sir, will strike ;-and not, "as HAdOneus full in my face. Stow that! Are you the Speshious Co.Respondent?'
stabbed, with steel in myrtle dressed." He will be constrained to I am proud to say that I am," I replied, bowing graceful and
strike you my facetious friend, and in the eye. (Boy, go to Bow- thinking.of FUN.

JJuL 13, 1872.3]

FU~. 17


Then," pursued the intelligent Eist-Ender, there's one for the Viper newspapers, maligning and vilifying our beloved Bethnal Green,
Speshious, and another for the Co-Respondent!" And with that, he on the occasion of the auspicious visit to the East of their Royal
gave me, with the utmost promptitude; and punctuality, two of the Highnesses the PRINCE and PaINcEss OF WALES. Prisoner at the Bar,
finest black eyes I ever felt in myselfa- the sentence of the Court is, that you be taken to the corner of
I did not lose my equanimity; but,, merely borrowing a quarter of a Church-street and Shoreditch, and Burnt Alive."
pound of raw beefsteak from the young lady behind the bar, I ap- "May I say one word?" I asked quietly.
plied the cooling viandto my bruised optir,,when anIntellectual Being, Yes," replied the President. Gaoler, gag hims"n
in c .rduroy, barred my passage. "Before that ceremony is performed," I resume, mildly but.,
"I am a Horny Handed Son of Til!"- he remarked, cleverly firmly, I have one remark to' make. Pray do nottn- laur und3itha.,
putting in his left Horny Hand beneath'my left ear. erroneous impression that burning alive is a process, to wiitlk I ain,
"I am an' Enthusiastic though Humble lover of art!" shouted unaccustomed, or which will do: me any haunt. I havebeema pevp w.
*another gentleman, in fustian, "and that's what's for supper." And tually burnt on the evening of the Fifth, otfNovembse, ai:overtie,
he broke four arches of the bridge of my nose. United Kingdom, any tMine these two hundredland.fi t saal"
"I cede to None in Loyalty !" shouted, a third.Patriot, with a seal- There was a murmum'in court, followed by as cry .e8l'iw'Di at'
skin. cap, "and if you want any more, ring the- top bell!" As he November, why that'viGuy Fawke's day."
spoke .he struck, and all my back teeth went down my throat. It is," I responded-prouddl,, drawing m elf uwtu"my IuB.m h+
And: a-fifth champion of the Right advanced., He was clad in Velve- "AND I AM GUy Fwss ..a".
teen, with amoleskin waistcoat, and round hisvamistic neck was a red My friend, the) friend of my infancy,"' shrieked- Wi=iBrLs t1
kerchief. Terrible, as after embracing me on both. cheeks, he fellgsobbinJin
H'im a costermonger!" he roared; "and-in five minits yer mother my arms.
shan't know yer." Brayvo GuY !" shouted the multitude in court.
He broke several of my ribs, and was preparing to jump upon me; Guy FAWKES for ever," yelled far-off Haggerston.
when an Authoritative Personage in a white waistcoat and green "" ive GUIno I" roared contiguous Hackney.
spectacles bestrode my prostrate form. I. was carried in, triumph from the Tribunal. I dine witWom junis
Stop, stop," he pleaded ; "'my justly indignant, but too impulsive to-night on "Staggering Bob" at a penny a sline. But who is to pay
friends. I am the brother-in-law, by the uncle's side, of a vestryman. for my dickey, my crushed corns, my broken ribs, and my injured
Law and order must be respected. Hardened miscreant as this feelings ?
grovelling wretch has confessed himself to be, he is still entitled to a I am, Sir, yours in.a dismembered condition,,,
fair trial. Alter that; my loyal friends, he shall have it hot. Away TaEHmKAuTIL m v i OL
with the Traitor to the Tribunal of Justice. Let him be brought P.S.--And so Mrs. G. V. hasibeen looking you upi eh!7 I wish you
before WOBBLES the Terrible !" ofher a rtr
No sooner wer.athese remarkable words uttered, than.I was seized j her. a Tartar.
by the (paper))oollkt'rofnmv artificial fror t; bonnetted: "ballooned,"
and draggedonbtofl thesltuilding. In th Cambridge' Zoad I was de- A' RH EU M1TI;TL
livered over tl t tei untnxler mercies if a furious- muoij, including
Mr. J. L Tlmsw,, uinthe character of he Spitalfields Weaver, the
Editor of the Bas*nal: G-'een Bombshell (price one halfpenny); Messrs. Wild ambition filled
BARNEY LYPEY, Sh~t v Miouci, and Moss SHELLB&AGS of 8horeditch; -my head
Mersrs. REDPOLL, Si a ytE; TWITTERS, and "SPARR6WPAINT, bird A dramatist tp be;
fanciers, of Club Now, and several infuriated piemen; A Bill sticker There wasn't room:-
advanced, and first covering me with a thick oat ,ofpaste stuck me all I'm. now instead
over with proclamations signed by WoBmanse the Teriible. Asking -t rheumatist. you
me if I wasi"'willing." to- have any more, hal it, me in the eye with see:
his pastebrusb, and'.depasted, derisively. I wvas pelted with red her- And surely there caat.
rings, sprats, tomato sauce, old-clothps, ends of three-halfpenny cigars, not exist ,
tripe, and "porlk that had passed, the inspector by tiae. skin of its A:more successful rheu-
teeth." At tbiaconjuncture-a difficulty arose'as to the modia of con- matist!
veyance to the Dread Tribunal. My toes being trodden to-a pulp (I
forward one, by book-postfor your inspection), I could not walk, and It's now about a week
the benighted multitude objected to carrying what they called sich s now aago
a lump of Hugliness as me." They little knew how many times I That my d~ I
hai been chaired in triumph through the streets by the noblest, the made ;
dirtiest, and the raggedest in their land. At last the problem was My arm and shoulder
solved by Mr. WHELKS, costermonger, of Boundary Street, who, n-y seemed to grow
harnessing his moke" or donkey, from a "shallow," piled highwith Accustomed to the
greens and carrots, mounted on the back of the fiery steed,, and trade-
beckoned me to him. In the twinkle of an eye, I found a handcuff; And I shall be if I per-
to that handcuff was attached a chain; that chain was atatched to the d sist
collar of the moke;" and thus I, Sir, I, GuIDO VAUX, a Colonel in all A mOt suoessful rheu-
the Asiatics, a Royal Academician, a Doctor of Civil Law, a Barrister A matei'U
of the Inner Temple, and the SJpecial Correspondent, was dragged
down the Bethnal Green Rbad at the heels of ajackass. Fiatjustitia! L
Ruat eaglum. What pecuniary compensation, Sir, are you prepared On lotion.. liniment,
to offer me for this indignity? and, li"n
Arrived at the portal;-of thle Tribunal (the Elephant and Shoestrings Such endless cash I've shedi;,
beershop),'I was atl length- unchained from the moke and hauled In this new rdle-the denneiii m. .-
into the presence of? WoBaLEs the Terrible,, who was awaiting. my I scarce can make my bleadl;;
arrival in- the taproom. I found WOBBLBES man of stern aspect and Although.I have full nmaWSiitwl4,
unbending determination. He was clad in a scarlet robe, a Welsh As'a successful rheumatiigt!'
wig, jack-boots and a fall, andiwas'-armed with three life-preservers And yet rheumatics are.mi.mlt -
and an a'quebus- A jury of a hundred and forty-four Eist-Enders They're romamnt albs.aout,.
was at once impanelled, and priSoto entering the jury-box they all Some higher Ioint I fain wouliltBuch-
swore to have the blood-of the cove.in the dock." I was thatcove. Aristocrati gouti!
Villain, thy name," thundered WOBBLES the Terrible, hurling a In future, learn, I shaIfieniB
leaden inkstandtat my head. As goutist-not as rinumatiatt
Wot's yer-name, yer wagabone," echoed the Clerk of the Arraigna s outist-
(a sweep), hitting me over the shins with a patent Ramoneur machine.
Non me tua fervida terrent dicta, fe ox," I replied loftily. Dii
me t,'-rent et Jupiter hostis. My name is-" To a Tea.
"We don't understand French here," observed the President, and WE should like to be told on good authority whether, if a man gets
we don't care what your name is. You're a special correspondent, 'tight off the tea-spirit "Robur," he may be fairly described as being
that's quite enough. Gentlemen of, the Jury, you needn't take the in his cups. Of course in future to speak of the Chinese, herb -as
trouble to consider your verdict. You and I found this scoundrel cheering but not inebriating will be an in-congou-ruity; because' the
guilty ten days ago. We convicted him of being the author of two new stimulant derived from it is a thing we all can wet our (h)eye-son,
scandalous libels which appeared in the Daily Earthquake and the Daily until we feel quite any-howqua.

18 FUN.

[JULY 13, 1872.

A doI

1. Oa Aristocratic correspondent goes to the Soirde. 5. After refreshment, Fair quiet and sweet rest.
2. Ice o d alke. 6 A little lecture by a member ot the Dilettanti society on the evils of intemperance.
3. Dance and walk round by our A. C. and the 40 Academieiens. .A z e at whist by tae kind permi.aion ,f Mr. _-11i-s.
4. Now this sort of thing is all very well, but wheo e's the refreshment. 8. Final clear out by Mr. W-lk-r's Demon Blower.


-- I (JJ .-JULT 13, 1872




- -





JvrL, 13, 1872.] F U'N 21

AT the city on the lake,
What a lot of pains they take .
To prove that BULL must millions like a noodle owe.
But I shouldn't be surprised,
When the subject is revised,
To hear it's all a "do for Yankee Doodle, oh !
1. The Mantuan bard could strike the epic lyre,
And tell a hero's tale in words of fire;
But, ah, no less his muse contrives to please
What time she sings of rus and rustic ease,
Of fields and vines, of cattle and of bees.
2. Coats and waistcoats off are flung;
Every dog hangs out his tongue;
Cattle seek the shadows cool-
Stand knee-deep in every pool;
And the heat, so late a comer,
Fairly takes its name from summer.
3. Every soul with sorrow laden,
Has some vision blest- AAA
Has a notion of an Aidenn
Where it may find rest:
This would Scandinavians call, a
Buddhilt title for Valhalla.
4. The crafty Turk
Np effort will shirk
To flatter the wealthy Giaour;
Upon him he'll plaster
The epithet master,"
And seem to acknowledge his power. M
5. I don't like an adder;
A cobra is badder-
But creeping things among
You'll not find much worse 'uns
Than poisonous persons,
Who stab with a slanderous tongue.
6. I do not think you would be able -
To name a nicer vegetable;
And now the doctors have found out A KNOCK-DOWN" BLOW.
That it is very good for gout,
I mean to plant a lot about! Gus (gushing) :-" HANNAH, Yro'RE THE DEAREST GIRL IN THE WORLD "
Saw, Umbra, Mission, BMast, Edge, Rabid. WHAT'S-HIS-NAME t'
CORRECT SOLauTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 277, received 3rd July:- Gus :-" EXPLAIN, LOVE!"
Honi less Pansy; Ruby's Ghost., Hannah :-" WHY, DON'T YOU SEE, GOOSEY, YOU'RE Hannah-praiser!"

JULV. "Five London Theatres are now to be let." We quite agree with
Miss TaAcanRA's novel continues to ripen and improve in the the suggestion. To be let alone. The latest magazine announced is
Co-nhil, and "ea-and Emerald" grows more interesting, thoughThe Etcetera. The list is long enough already. It is to be hoped it

ndoTh eatre iety begins with a fair number N with areisse-ity. = Youth charged at Bow Street for going to sleep at the
ondon Society begins that the presence of the a fair nam er of with Adelphi during the performance. Another Adelphi success. Hydrate
adywitersdodes notehad h prendeance of femniesof eteral of chloral superseded. = A fire broke out the other day in the box con-
lady-writers does not foreshadow a preponderance of feminine litera- gaining AuTON'S beacon. Failing the Thames, he was bound to set
In Templ ar"Good Bye, Sweetheart," comes to an end. Wen something on fire! The Indirect Claims have been sent to the deuce.
Inl Tiss rel, B ar "Goodou Bye, S .weethea, comes sto y whinh end Gone-in the right :direction at last. = Government declines to annex
s s itauedw sor uite and nil d ub i M. less'Th story which the Fiji Islands. Have got fidgets enough -already. e The select
is to succeed, will quite reconcile us to the less. The other contents Committee on Habitual Drunkards have reported. Now we shall see
are of the usual qurnal contains the beginning of what promises to be what absurdities habitual sobriety is capable of saying. = Ma.
capital story, "A Woman's Vengeance." Skunktown" is good, and to Colombo i-coals about to export castlrrier-pigeons to Colombo. Columbthe Gretna
.the remaining papers are above the average of merit. Pb-coals to Newcastle surely! =The last of the Gretna
"Satanella" is finished in the Gentleman's Magazine (and so this priest-blacksmithsis dead.- -A LoNGfarewell,"&c.
month we lose two women we loved-in a literary sense-Ma. WHYTE
ME LVILLE'S Blanche Douglas and Miss BROUGHTON'S Lenore Herrick).
The -magazine contains also a inemoir of CHARLEs LEvER, and other Hat-titudes Everything.
papers more or less readable. AN ingenious American-who has probably seen such things in the
The Argosy is much the same as usual. We look in vain for Strant in old days-has "invented" and patented a "luminous hat."
Johnny Ludlow. "Scarborough" is very poor and weakly written. These, he says, would
Everybody remembers the capital song about the three little pigs Preserve the wearers from being run over by cabs at night, and would, to some
that perished in the attempt to. say "umnph, nmph, umph! when extent, enable a saving in the lighting of streets-vith gas to be effected.
they were cnly just old enough to say "wee, wee!" We have just Thereis another advantage which he overlooks. Husbands, discovered
received a sequel by MR. A. S. GATTY, published by MEsssRs. COCKS AND by their watchful spouses in the act of attempting to unlock the front
Co., New Burlington Street, It tells how the bereaved mother of the door with the butt-end of a cigar, might plead .their hats as an
piggies, who was old enough to kInow better and ought to have beer' excuse for light-headedness.
warned by the fate of her children, came to an untimely end through
endeavouring to pass herself off as a juvenile by saying" wee, wee!' ENCHANTING Music FOR Lovans.-From the Heigho!-lian Harp.



IF you will not raise the dollars
You must wash your own shirt-collars.
If you like a nice clean shirt,
Wash your linen free from dirt.

CLOCKS are striking now! And hence un-
Wonted tears are shed by BENsoN.
Temous Edax always men ate,
And he thus wrings tears'from BENNETT !

Last Nurse, Housemaid, Footman, Cook,
Also went and gone and strook,
Missuses-unhappy elves-
Had to do the work themselves !

AT so very low a fee
Cleani, g chimbleys don't soot me!
If you do not fork out nimbly,
Go and sweep your own foul chimbley!

JoCKEYs strike ;-and those outsiders,
G-ntlemen, are their own riders ;
Owners on their own nags shown us-
Prove the horses bear the one.

Whereupon, by such disasters
All the missuses and masters,
Utterly obfusticated,
Went and gone and emigrated !

ALL the children thus are ruling-
More half holiday ys, less schooling,'
4" Quoth the master, If I like.
Mind you, I can go on strike."

PEELEBS always have, I ween,
On the strike with truncheons been.
With another strike they'll pot us,
By assisting to girottc us .


WHEN our artist sent his block
Then he struck, strack, strick, street, strock.
Learning he'd >track, strick, strook, streck,
On his strike we placed a check,

Advocation. Arithmetical.
TH .New Orleans Picayune records the marriage of one of its editors A CONTEMPORARV states that M. FAUBRE has refused three offers
-MR. HOLBROOK with a poetess known as "Pearl Rivers." When of foreign engagements on the score of patriotism. We don't see
the RivEas and HoLanooxa become one, such a meeting of the waters what a score of reasons has to do with it. One reason will do. Three
should demand a bridal veilof Avoca. engagements are not enough for FAURE.

JULY 13, 1872.] ] FUN 23

SIR,-I have translated from the Persian of ZAMBRI, the Pa~~ee, a
contemporary of ZOROASTER, and a much better man, the following
fables, which I think quite equal to the worst of those written by'the
late Mn. ZEsor. I have a lot more on hand, and shall: continue to
translates long as you will stand it. Don GaRILE.
A,#rt seeing a cat approaching, and finding no avenuedf escape,
went boldly up to her and said:
"Madam, I -have just swallowed a dose of powerful :bane,.and in
accordance with instructions upon the label have come-out'df imy hole;
todie. Will you kindly direct me to a spot where amy'orpse will!
,prove peculiarly offensive ?"
Since you. are so ill," replied the cat, I will -nmyselftransport you
to a spot whichI. think will suit."
;Somsaying, she struck her teeth through'the nape wfthis ne6k and
"trotted away with 'him. This was more than he had lbargained,1for,
:andthe-squeakedsbhrilly with'the pain.
'" Ah'! said the, cat, ".a-rat who knows he has butfa-faw.minutes to
live,)never:makes a fuss about a little agony. I don't thinik,imy fine
ifllow. ,you;have:taken.poison enough :to hurt eitherryon-orane."
!So, heimade a meal of him--broiled, 'with ratsup.
'ffthis "fable does .not .teach :that a rat gets no .profit by.lying, I
ihneuld be pleased to:know'what it does teach.
.A frog who had, been sitting up all night in neighboutlymonverse
with an, echo of:elegant leisure, went out in the gray ofthennaroing
toiobtain.acheap breakfast. Seeing a tadpole approach.
"'Halt! he croaked," and show cause why I should niotdthaonu"
'The ladpolestopped and.displayed a fine tail.
'"Enough." said the frog, "I mistook you for one ,ofusB;;smnii if
fth-re is anything I like it is frog. But no frog has a tail,.asianatter
,While he was speaking, however, the tail ripened and dropped-off,
-and its. owner stood revealed in-his edible character.
".Aha! "-ejaculated .the frog, "so that is your little game! .If,
iinateadof adopting a disguise, you had trusted-to my.mercy, Lsholild
btpave spared -you. But I am down upon all manner of deceit." i
AAdahelhad.himain a fricassee.
iLearn from:this that he would have had him. anyhow.
.an-old-man carrying, for no obvious reason,,rasheaf of sticks ?met
manothieridonkey whose cargo consisted merely of abaundle of stones.
'"tupposewesawop;">said the donkey.
",yVeysygod,'air,"-assented -the old man; "lay your load upon my
shoulders,-andttakeo ffmy parcel, putting it upon your own back."
Theidorkey complied, sofar as concerned his own encumbrance; but
neglected to remove that of the other.
Smarty! said the merry old gentleman, I knew you would do
that. If you had done any differently there would have been no point
to the fable."
And laying down both burdens by the roadside, he trudged away as
merry as anything.
An Elephant meeting a mouse reproached him for not taking a
'proper interest in growth.
"It is all very well," retorted the mouse," for people who haven't
the capacity for anything better. Let them grow if they like; but I
prefer toasted cheese."
The stupid elephant not being able to make very much sense of this
remark essayed, after the manner of persons worsted at repartee, to
set his foot upon his clever conqueror. In point of fact, he did set his
foot upon him, and there wasn't any more mouse.
The lesson imparted by this fable is open, palpable; mice and
elephants look at things each after the manner of his kind; and when
an elephant concludes to occupy the stand-point of a mouse, it is un-
healthy for the latter.
A wolf was slacking his thirst at a stream, when a lamb left the side
of his shepherd, came down the creek to the wolf, passed round him
with considerable ostentation, and began drinking below.
I beg you to observe," said the lamb, "that water does not
commonly run up hill; and my sipping here cannot possibly defile the
current up where you are, even supposing my nose was no cleaner than
yours, which it is. So you have not the flimsiest pretext for slaying
I am not aware, sir;" replied the wolf, that I require a pretext for
loving chops ; it never occurred to me that one was necessary."
And he dined upon that lambkin with much apparent satisfaction.
This fable ought to 'convince any one that of two stories very similar
one needs not necessarily- be a plagiarism.

"SPECIAL NOTICe,-To all whom it may concern. This is to ,give
notice, that subscription lists for the Augspur Testimonial Fund will
close on Monday next, at twelve for one o'clock, after which time no
money can, on any pretence, be taken. The amounts have flowed in
so freely and continuously, that the chairman .an LWd oisional com-
mittee (A. SpuE, ESQUIRE, secretary) find themselvesintth ?proud and
happy positions of men who have done their duty.; anlilthey beg to
return thanks to their friends and the public for -past favours, and
.hope by steady attention to business combined with punctuality and
!low prices to :merit a continuance of future patronage. Hot joints
'from 12 till 2. Chops and steaks at a moment's notice. .No charge for
cooking. Goodbeds."
II should have been more pleased with the 'foregoing nAtice if it
hadn't been for the meddling of old WILK1'N, who because he.lent us
hisifirst floor front for a committee room and-ubscribed [chops, I sup-
'pose-ED.] towards the testimonial, insisted ontouriputting imaome lines
4fromlhis coffee-shop circular, which he says are of'his ownfemposi-
dtion,.and fit to appear anywhere and in anything. It was ia great
wonder we escaped with only that. 'He wants to geta great advertise-
Mment:out of my fame.
I flmrdly like to tell you, sir, knowing ,how badly your own testi-
mo iidiLhs fared, how sweltering postmen have brought in bushels of
letters ;-and hew two clerks have teen for a week constantly employed
in asgning the register-vouchers for those which contained post orders
andiatanips. But, cheer up, we are going to have a grand.banquet at
which 81a JOHN BENNETT is going to pre-ent me -with one. of his
matchless automaton spider-handed chronographs, and though the
attendance is to consist as a rule.of swells only, we have decided'that
*oan '(if yon behave well).and the editors of the Sportsman and the
Weakly Dispatch shallthave a side table, where you can eat, drink, and
!bermerry, and listen totthe speeches.
Among the many'thousand missives I have received, there is one
which:gives:mergreatandlipeculiar pleasure-one from a most illustrious
personage,-enelosing a valuable diamond ring and a copy of verses, in
which he speaks (for himself and his noble order. I shall wear the
ring on theanight. ofthebanquet, .andmneantime enclose the copy which
accompanied:it, and which isifor.that reason alone worth something.
It is dated M-lborongh House.
A -usvpU, my ancient, I trust you're quite ,well;
U.fililonir-bosoms with wonder!
G rant us permission our wishes to tell,
iS ay will you place .your.legs under
IP perfect a table as ever was.laid ?
U .needn't come-dressed, so don't be afhai4;
M, .efuse, and you'll make a great blunder.
I suppose I-must go. It's one of the pains of :greatness. .I am
told that.the correct evening dress for: such occasions is a -pinksahirt
andcd011r, a white tie, lavender trousers and gloves, a white waistcoat,
patent shoes, and a spring hat to be held gracefully under the arm.
What a toff I sha'l look! I 11 let 'em see whether I needn't come
dressed ornot. So now to get ready. AUGsPUB.

(We cannot return unaccepted fSS. or Sketches, unless they are accon.
panied by a stamped and. directed envelope; and we do -wt hold ourslesa
respnsil for loss.3
SS. (Coventry).-We would not have sent thee thither, young bard; but
since thou art here, prythee stay there. Thou bhast modelled thy verse
on the local ribbon, wouldd seem,-'tis long, and soft, and flat.
VIGOROUS JOE.-Your lines are singularly feeble. A clothes' prop might
help them.
DAYBREAKIST.-We had already received a copy of the Spiritualistic
Journal. When such prints cease to call us idiot and liar, we shall begin
to doubt our own sanity and veracity.
P. D. We.have left off our "Cookery column," but as you want a cool
drink here's a recipe. Go to the nearest bar, wait till someone orders a
drink, and when.he is supplied, take it, and swallow it.
WARBLNG WAGGONER.-You may be able to crack a whip. You can't
crack a joke anyhow.
WE shall feel obliged if Mr. Day, of Birkenhead, will send us his correct
address, that we may return his thirteen stamps for Augspur's tip.
Declined with thanks:-J. 0. K., Haverstock Hill; -, Newport; N.,
Matlock Baths; M., Greenock; F. E. W.; Somebody, Cambridge ; X.;
McI., Greenock; H., Lawrence Pountuney; R .C.; S., Germyn-street;
F.; W., Nottingham; F, H., Charing Cross; S., Huddersfield; F., Clifton-
ville; R. R. S.; M., Liverpool; Chips; S. L., Kingston ;: F., Dalston; B. B.;
Wayz Goose; M., Sutherland Place; C. S., Shacklewell; Fumblefist;
A. J., Camden-road; B., Chalk Farm; D. L. J.; 0. E. R., Dalston; Will;
Bloater; H. H., Sydenham; The Old Hat; Chili; Budofredum; P.,
Islington; X. Y. Z.; Clutterbucket; G., Yarmouth; Bethnal Green; Rose-
red; Toodles; Classic-cuss; Dewdrop; R. W., Pentonville.

I 24


Farmer Slade :-" AH, JIMI, T'OLD OOMAN'S ,GONE AT LAST!"

The Evils of Liquor. Temperance in Speech.
WE see from a provincial paper that a child two and a hilf years NEVER make mention of the "canny Scot-it might wound the
old died the other day at Masborough from the effects of inautiously feelings of dwellers in the Land o' Cakes and-Whuskey.
swallowing what is described as "washing liquor." Our teetotal
friends are so fond of recording deaths fr m driinig alcohol, that we NOTICE!
make a note of this r, silt of water-drinking. We are not surprised at Now Ready, the Twenty-second Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
the fatality, knowing the sort of washing (and drinking) liquor THE FIFTEENTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIEB.
supplied by the water companies. Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, bs. ; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.

True Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
TRUTH," says a solemn contemporary, "is the picture, the manner Now Ready, price One chilling,
is the frame which displays it to advantage." We know lots of fel- THE ESSENCE OF FUN,
lows who employ a deal of gilt to frame their truths. A selection from the early volumes, with three hundred illustrations.

Is Recommended to those who wi-h to restore prav hair t, its natural colour. H A W T H 0 R N B L 0 0 M
Is Recommended to th seo who wi-h to pr(.vejt their ani fro n falling off.
Is Recommended to thoee who wish to prevent lher hair from turning gray. BUTTERFLY ORCHIS-CROWN BOUQUET.
Is Recommended to those who wi-h a pleasant ard fragrant pon.ade.
Is Recommended to those wh, uish a re fectly harmless preparation simply =T' E3]E ZWY- :P7 EJ .'FTTMi :ECS.
for dressing g, the hair. M ol
Is Recommended to all, from the nursery to old age, producing the effects Made only by
requitd by Har esorers and the luxury of a Pomade. THE CROWN PERFUMERY COMPANY,
Manufactured only by
Wholes it 1 and Export Perfumers, 40, ST-RAND, LONDON. 40, STRAND, LONDON.
For sale everywhere at 3s. 64d. and 7s. per bottle. For sale everywhere at 2s., 2s. Gd., 3s. Od, 6s., 10s. 6d., 21s~, and 42o. per bottle
&rited by JUDD & CO., Phiwnx Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dootors' Commons, and Published (tfor the Propnetorl. at 80, Fleet-teet, B.C.-London: Jul) 13, 1872.


[JULY 13, 1172."

JULY 20, 1872.1


THEY uFed to sing, our worthy dads,
Of England's wooden walls;
But now I guess on ironclads
Old England's glory falls;
And well we've proved the metal tower
Can face the broadside's fiery shower.
1." Stitch, stitch, stitch,
In poverty, hunger and dirt,"
The woman was sewing a something which
Is named in The Sog of the Shirt.
2. He dwelt apart from worldly strife,
And passed his days afar from quarrel,
Brown was (says PRAED), on quitting life,
Fir nulla non donanaus laurel !
3. "Needles and pins, needles and pins,
When aman marries his sorrow begins !"
Which means, if I rightly interpret the lines,
That the bone of your bone may be covered with
4. On Dartmoor will 5ou meet with this,
A lofty towering rock, I wis.
5. If you chance to be far-gone
In critical jargon,
Perchance when allowing a voice to be good
You will seem to be saying it's fashioned of wood.
6. Through Kent's valleys if you prowl,
Among the serried hops;
Full oft, you'll see, a curious cowl
The clustering trees o'ertops.
7. Though you've only one egg in the nest,
What odds ? 'twill encourage the rest.
For Fortune is like an old hen,
Must have one egg-and then you'll get ten.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 278.--July Heat: Jacinth ;
Umbrage; La, Yeast.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF AcROsTIC No. 278, Received 10th July :-
Yerrip; Brown of Ours; Luciola; Pik; 1-'; A Frittered Pea;
Homeless Pansy; Hoptop; Rubv's Ghost; Competition Wala;
D. k. H.; Cree; Brother Jack ; Bubbleyjock ; Biddy and
Potter; Gyp.
N.B. By a clerical error, the solutions of the last two acrostics
hive been transposed.

AN' MAY THE HEAVENS BE YER BED! (Swell gives her a copper.) Ah' MAY THE
BLESSED SAINTS GRANT YE better circumstances !"

A MAN at Twickenham finding the bailiffs in his house took them
a butt of bees to commence the inventory with. He was fined for
such bee-hive-iour. = The heat at 'New York has been intense.
Luckily a good deal of cold water has arrived from the Lake of
Geneva. = The rate-collectors at Nottingham are going to strike for
advanced wages. That's a strike that we hope will endure, for its
settlement would entail a raising of the rates! = ALFRED WIGAN has
appeared in "The First Night "-for the last time! = The Lords
have swallowed a portion of the Ballot leek. The rest of the leek
won't hold water, all the same! = Welsh choir won a prize at the
Crystal Palace. All compatriots of that quire have since had several
sheets in the wvind. = Masons have comic in from strike, but leave
the carpenter and hodman out! = French Minister of Finance,
GOULARD, wants a loan of three milliards. Let us see how Goulard's
Extract will raise the sum. = A Woman's Peace Congress at St.
George's Hall. Oh, yes. Comparatively a peace congress, for they
didn't all speak at once. = A shabby attempt to swindle ex-Governor
EYkE was defeated. Britannia's tardy'justice, to the man who saved
Jamaica. = MR. STANLEY, of the New York Herald, said he had
discovered LIVINGSTONE. Has since been found out, himself. = The
Wimbledonians are at work. Haven't found the work too dry for
them as yet! _

The Staff of Life.
WE clip this curious advertisement from the Birmingham .Daily
Post :-
t AKING Eusiness and everything for use. Profits 3 per week. Illness cause
of living. Bent low. Good thoroughfare. Price 30.-Address, &c.
We should like to learn what sort of illness it is that causes living.
Our acquaintance lies chiefly among illnesses that cause dying.

CAUTION MoNEY.-French Bronze and-English Sixpences.

The Right Tap.
THE South London Press records an admirable arrangement for
conducting the Ballot. The voter .-gives up his register ticket and
passes through a turnstile into a solitary chamber:-
The turnstile operates an open counter-index, showing the number of voters who
have passed in one at a time only. Within the cabinet the voter finds a series of
lever handles, a handle for each candidate, the names being prominently exhibited
at each handle, and shown also by distinguishing colours to enable those who can-
not read to vote by taking notice of the colours only. These are the voting
levers. The voter votes by moving one at a time the handles or levers corre-
sponding to the candidates for whom he wishes to vote. The spindle carrying
these voting levers is so connected with the sp:ndle of the turnstile, that the
movement of the latter regulates the number of votes allowed to eacst voter. He
may move any one of the voting levers from one position to another and back
again, but he can move only one lever at one time.
There,are other details we need not mention, but the whole thing, as
our contemporary remarks, will be so like drawing beer that it will
almost reconcile the corrupt to the abolition of "treating." "If the
lever meaning a plumper were labelled "stout," and those recording a
split vote half and half," the illusion would be complete. Me.
McFARLANE GRAY (the inventor of the automatic steering apparatus
of the Great Eastern) is patentee of the apparatus, and deserves the
thanks of all voters for thus combining the ballot and the beer-engine!
If the ballot is to knock improper practices on the head, this seems the
right tap to give them.

Very Unfair.
A CORRESPONDENT of the Press Association telegraphed the other day
that a child had been born at Newport, with two heads and three legs.
The whole body appeared well nourished, and the limbs fully developed. One
portion of this strange body live, 30 hours after birth; but the other portion died
within five hours, but became reanimau d, and finally died in convulsions.
We protest against this in the interest of the other babies. This child
might have been satisfied with having very nearly two lives. It dis-
played reprehensible greediness in dying three times.




26 FU N [JULY. 20, 1872..

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 17, 1872.
*" Faux-t praterea !"
HURRAH for the gorse and the heather,
Hurrah for the beautiful weather,
While warriors assemble together
On Wimbledon's gravels and chalks.
Professional, noble, or trader-
Of Fngland each swears to prove aider,
And gallantly meet the invader-
Hurrah, then, for Valour and VAux!
Hard work 'tis in rivalry viewing,
At shooting, and sighting and tying,
In all sorts of attitudes lying,
Like one who in deer-forests stalks.
From dawn till the bugle's "cease firing" ;
The riflemen toil without tiring,
Withpluck, that commands our admiring-
Hurrah, then, for Valour and VAux !
And, lo, comes, all smilingly, Beauty,
To watch men performing their duty-
For love of their country, not booty-
With the Colonel she talks and she walks.
Thus, with pride in her countryman's valour,
A roseate blush flutter shall o'er
Dear Woman's bright cheek, to which pallor
At the very first thought
Of war would be brought-
So hurrah for VAUX, Virtue and Valour '-
Hurrah then for Valour and VAux !

Mx Sweet Youth [whence this unusual amenity of address the
part of our unusually inflammatory correspondent ?-ED. Fua.]
Did you ever read the Fairie Queene ?" No; of course you never
did. Poetry was an" extra" in the ragged school, where you received
your imperfect education. But no matter. A time may come when
every peasant in England shall understand-BRowNIN Allow me to
favour you with the following quotation from the Prince of Poets."
I don't mean BROWNING, but the other gentleman:-
Lo, I the man, whose Muse whilom did make
As Time her taught, in lowlie Shepherd's weedes,
Am now enforced, a far unfitter task,
For trumpets stern to change mine oaten weeds,
And sing of Knights' and Ladies' noble deeds.
Tn other words, my poppet, "Armar virumque cano"'; and I am the
Man who sings, even as SPENSER sang, and VItGIL before him.
SPENSEa was an inthiate friend of mine in Queen BEss's time. He
was Viceroy of Ireland, and Lord of the Manor qf Wimbledon, and
I was obliged to blow him up once rather severely in consequence of
his objecting to my driving six donkeys, tandem, on the common.
I am at Wimbledon, my cherub, and I am encamped. But, unlike
AcHIlLEs, sulking for the loss of BRISEIS, I have not retired in
dudgeon to my tents. On the contrary, I am sitting at the entrance to
the Vauxian Pavilion, and invite all and sundry to partake of the
Loving Cup with me: ,
It's a way we have in the Army
And a way we have in the Navy
And a way we have in the 'Varsity,
To blow each other up.
A great deal of nonsense has been talked about the brewing of Dainty
Davids, Cooling Cups, and the liko. Here is my recipe-a recipe
which I flatter myself will rather take the shine out of your ridiculous
Badmintons, Sandringhams, George the Fourth's Mixtures, and the

Red Heart Rum
Robur (the new Tea Spirit).
Spirits of Wine
Old Tom
Green Chartreuse
Pebble Gunpowder .
Cayenne Pepper
Cdrry Powder
Worcestershire Sauce
Nabob Pickles
Capsicums .
Stinging Nettles

One quart.
As much as you like.
One quart.
Half a pint.
Three ounces.
Two ounces.
One pound.
One bottle.
A penn'orth.
A handful.
The same.

Add a pinch of ground glass, a little, deadly nightshade, ten chops
of creosote, some essence of ginger, and plenty of brimstone; ice in a
brickkiln, add a little Chili vinegar, and a spoonful of Scotch snuff,
and if that doesn't cool you, I don't know what will. A few an-
chovies and a hot-cross bun or two may be taken as a relish. N.B.-
Tavern keepers preparing this drink .ire advised to take away the
hat of the gentleman ordering it, lest (such is the ingratitude of man-
kind) he should subsequently object to pay for it.
Mr. WHISTLER and I have taken several wash-hand basins full of
this compound without feeling any deleterious effects therefrom. Mr.
W., however, is of opinion that a little Bourbon whisky would not do
the mixture any harm. I have much pleasure in enclosing a testi-
monial as to its virtues, just received from an eminent medical
Strand Theatre, July 12th.
DEARl SIm,-I tasted the sample of G. V. Loving Cup," kindly for-
warded (in a conical shell), to this establishment, and Sir THOMAS
HENRY immediately committed me for two months, without the option
of a fine, for jumping on the P Division of Police.
Yours gratefully,
But to business, my Beamish Boy. I need scarcely point out that
I am the life and soul of the Wimbledon Encampment, and I proceed
to give you a brief schedule of my daily avocations. I rise at gunfire
(firing the gun myself, and taking the time from a B.Nso.,'s chrono-
graph), and proceed to try myself by court-martial and condemn my-
self to three hours' solitary confinement in the cells. The cells have
a feather bed beneath and a blanket, sheet and counterpane above. I
release myself at ten a.m., and go on fatigue duty: that
is to say, I read all the morning newspapers. After that, I injure
my constitution by smoking three full-flavoured Hayanas. I subse-
quently form myself into a square, and prepare to receive cavalry ; but
the cavalry, I am glad to say, has not yet arrived, Mrs. G. V. being
unable 'to carry out her threat of riding down to Wimbledon,
and "letting me have it," through the want of a new scarlet riding
habit, and a pair of somethings of chamois leather with black feet.'
If you will forward her a cheque this little difficulty may be obviated;
or stay, on second thoughts you had better send me the draft, and I
will immediately write to my friend, GEORGE HOBSON, to do what is
The whole of the afternoon I devote to shooting. I have already
won all the preliminary stages of the QUEEN'S Prize, and expect to
carry off all the other cups and pools in a canter. At seven, p.m. I
receive the officers of the Victorias, the H.A.C., and the London
Scottish, at a modest but succulent banquet in my tent; at nine the
Loving Cup (my Loving Cup) goes round; and at eleven, the tattoo
;" beaten by Lord BELLEW (specially retained for this occasion
oy), I retire to rest. Under these circumstances (including the
Loving Cop) you may imagine that I have but little leisure for literary
labour; but 1 hope (with the assistance of Mr. WHISTLER) to be able
!to send you a full, true, and particular account of the doings in the
camp next week. Adieu my Charmer,
Yours fraternally,
P.S.-Don't forget the-cheque, you Dear old Thing.

A Journalistic Question.
WE. steal a few lines from our readers in the interests of us, their
servants, the journalists. The case of "BussET v. the Associated
Press," involves the question of the right to dismiss summarily and
ignominiously a man who has done you good work for several years.
It has been concluded unsatisfactorily for both sides by the dismissal
of a jury that could not agree, though the division was ten to two, we
will not say on which side. We conceive that the point is one of the
greatest importance to journalists, who may object to being ruined at
a moment's notice without a chance of reply, explanation or -de-
fence: and we therefore trust that a fund will be collected to ensure
the question, which is not personal but affects a class, being brought
to a conclusion one way or another.

Danger Ahead !
AN inference, only to be appreciated by very peculiar people"
may be drawn from the following extract from an evening paper.
Sir William Alexander has greatly improved in health within the last few
days, and it is now thought that all danger is over. Sir William Gull, however,
till continues his visits.
What does the worthy doctor say to. it I

A Deil too strong,
A LADY of our acquaintance is so furious at the idea of the strike of
domestic servants, that she designates .the Scotch lassies who started
the idea perfect Dundeemons." ..

JULT 20, 1872.] F'T1 3 N'. 27


A CATERPILLAR had crawled painfully to the top of a hop-pole, and
not finding anything there to interest himbegan to think of descending.
Now," soliloquized he, if I only had a pair of wings I should be
able to manage it very nicely."
So saying he turned himself about to go down, but the heat of his
previous exertion, and that of the sun, had by this time ripened him
into a butterfly.
Just my luck! he growled, I never wish for. anything without
getting it. I did not expect this when I came out this morning, and
have nothing prepared. But I suppose I shall have to stand it."
So he spread his pinions and made for the first open flower he saw.
But a spider happened to be spending the summer in that 'vegetable,
and it was not long before Mr. Butterfly "was wishing himself baAk
atop of that pole, a simple caterpillar.
'He had at last the pleasure of being denied a desire,
aoc fabsula doet that it is not a good plan to call at bouses with-
out first ascertaining who is at homethere.
It is related of a certeini Tartar priestf;tat being abottiUt aerifies a I
pig he observed tears in the victim's eyes.
"Now I'd like to know what is the matter with you ? he asbed,
"Sir," replied the pig, if your penetrationa-wdre equal to that offthle
knife you hold, you would know without enqsuiring; but I don't mind
telling you. Iweep because I know I shall be badly r.isted. '
">Ah," returned the priest, meditatively, having first kiltledthe pig,
"we are all pretty much alike : it is the bad roasting &t f4hetln
us. Mere death has no terrors."
Fromnthis narrative learn that even priests Eometi*eSlet'hild lf'
only.half a truth.

A foa and a duck having quarrelled about ther ownership of a Frog,
agreed&to refer the dispute to a lion. After hearing a great deal f
argument,'the lion opened his mouth to speak.
'I am very well aware," interrupted the duck, "what youth de"
cisioni.s, It is that by our own showing the frog belongs to neither
of uSI and you will eat him yourself. But please remember that lions
do not l4te frogs."
"To me," exclaimed the fox, "it is perfectly clear that you will
give the frog to the duck, the duck to me, and take me yourself. Al-
low me to state certain objections to "-
"I was about to remark," said the lion, "c'rt 'tAife you were dis-
puting, the cause of contention.-brdl hopped&sway. Perhaps you can
procure another frog."
To point out the moral f 'this fbMle Uild bdto6fl'r a gratuitous
n sult to the acuteness'offs t trear.

A dog being very much annoyed by bees ran, quite accidentally,
into an empty barrel lying on the ground, and'looking out at the
bunghole addressed his tormentors thus :
"Had you been temperate, stinging me only one at a tinm, you
might have got a good deal of fun out of me. As it is, you have
driven me into a secure retreat; for I can snap you up as fast as you
come in through the bunghole. Learn from this the folly of intem-
perate zeal."
When he had concluded, he awaited a reply. There wasn't any
reply; for the bees had never gone near the bunghole; they went in
the same way he did, and made it mighty warm for him.
The lesson of this fable is& that one cannot stick to his pure reason
while' quarreling with bees.
An ass meeting a pair of horses, late one evening, said to them:
"It is time all honest horses were in bed. Why are you driving
out this time of day P"
"Ah!" returned they, "if it is so very late, why are' you out
"I never in mylife," retorted the ass, angrily, knew a. horse to
return a direct answer to E. civil question."
This tale shows that this ass did not know' evea*wigy.
[The implication that horses do not. answer questions seems to.have
irritated the worthy-fabulist.-Ta&NSLATeR.],
A stone being cast by the plough against a lump of earth, hastened to
open the conversation as follows--
"Virtue, which is the opposite of vice, is best fostered by the
absence of temptation I"
' The lump of earth, being taken somewhat by surprise, was not
prepared with an apothegm. and said nothing.
Since that time it has been customary to call a stupid person a

Ilarik aftda:aB y be fude, be nude!
Both foot Mailtadrain-fall sop,
But be stemaoh endued with the best'that's brewed
By YottialBAss, ot ALLsopp.
Then let Ii Ibooze till we sit and snooze,
As all good men should do,
Nor pretermit the benefit
Which must from malt accrue.
So all good sorts who've floored their quarts,
And nobly stood tbeit' share
May fortune give them while they lide
Ale-plenty, and to spare.
SShank and flank go nude, go nude;
Both hand and foot so pass!
But be stomach renewed with the best that's brewed

Too Hasty.
TaE Australian papers relate how a young German lover, offended
at being slighted by the object of his affections,
Rode over to the farm early one morning, and knocking down with an axe two
I men who barred his passage, entered the house in quest of the young lady. -She
managed to escape to a neighbour's house; where, however, her infuriated lover
followed her, and made a most savage assault upon her. According to the report.
he knocked her down, broke her jaw-bone, tried to pull her teeth out; and jumped
upon her until she became insensible.. Help was at last forthcoming, and the
ruffian was secured.' The young lady was at one time in grdat danger, but it was
expected that she would soon be sufficiently recovered-to. give evidence against her
He'will probably be severely punished for his foolish precipitancy.
He should have married her and brought her to England, when he
dould have nearly killed her for next to nothing !

If, and but-ter.
F63o a case reported in Food, Water and Air, it would seem that
"Dutch butter" is simply a translation of Australian fat. It is a
pity that the right of translation is not so reserved as to retire alto-
gether. We fear, however, that Holland is not the only place where
butter is made that is so fresh as to be quite original, entirely inde-
pendent'of the cow. From the tallowy taste of some Irish butter it is
only too plain that it comes from Candle-ends-we should say Wick-
low! I



OR solid fare, I don't much
My appetite is small,
. But I'll imbibe against the
'Of tosspots, one and all.
If I'm thin-clad, yet be not
A chillI do not fear,
For I wear inside my outer-
S hide
A-.good-gat-coat of beer.
Flank and hi lk, be nude,
Both foot and hand may
lButbe'stontahimbued with
the-best that's brewed,
AninaP, 6hls, or

No sandwich fty hotild
eve I
But give me Just a bit of
to i fibble while I drhk.
I do not mind the rain or

they 'cfa't disttrbe ty'

rm so 3grd oet and
clothed about *
With a palette' f beer !


[JULY 20, 1872.

r i I; ________________


The Vicar (vainly trying to elicit the name of The Seqrent by leading
Little Tussy :-" OH, IF YE PLEASE, SIR-A NEERWIG I "


TaHE soporific effect of some sermons is well-known, and chloral
even, the latest and surest of narcotics, has failed to drive them
entirely from the field. Hew many after toiling all the week, and
vainly longing for a refreshing sleep, have had reason to bless the
orthodox discourse, with as many heads as a poppy-plant.
Hitherto, however, the sermon has been confined to the narcotic
division of the Pharmacopoeia. Now, if we may believe Sword and
Trowel videe advertisements, page 7), the sermons of the REv. C. a.
SP-ROGEN lay claim to a wider field of medical usefulness. We quote
the passage:-
*.* The Publishers call attention to the remarkable fact that they have now
issued Mr. Spurgeon's Sermons weekly for more than sixteen years, and that all
this time the circulation has not only been very large, but has steadily increased.
This unparalleled fact, unprecedented in the pulpit of any age or church, speaks
for itself, and is a higher eulogium t an the most friendly'reviewer could pro-
nounce. It is also noteworthy that an equally warm reception has been given to
the American Edition, and that the Dutch, German, Swedish, and French trans-
lations have commanded an extensive sale; and the Sermons ha% e been acceptably
received in Welsh. Danish, and Italian.
Entirely and effectually cares Scurvy, Ringworm, Itch, Redness, Pimples, Blotches,
Eruptions, Eczema, and every form of Ski. Disease, also Wounds and U cers, with
absolute and unfailing certainty.
We presume written directions how to use these cutaneous curatives
accompany each volume, for there is nothing here to show'whether
the sermon is to be taken internally or applied outwardly. We are
curious to know whether any testimonials from eminent clerical

authorities, vouching for the efficacy of the new remedy, can be seen
on application at the Tabernacle.

A WaITER in the Times says the manufacturers are in great difficulty
as to how to conduct their business. They are, says he,
Openly heard to express a hope that they will never again know a season n f
such pr. sperity in trade. Owing to the indolent habits of the workmen, less w,. k
is now being done in some establishments than in seasons of dulness, and lese
profits are realized.
This puzzles us! When there is less work doing, with less profit,
than usual, how the season can be one of such prosperity is a
conundrumn we cannot solve; unless all manufacturers are as
financially brilliant as,the manufacturer of boots, who sold them so
cheap that he lost a shilling on every pair, and could only manage to
recoup himself by selling them in large quantities.

Two in the bush.
WE learn from the Huddersfield Weekly News that the good people of
Honley are in ornithological difficulties. Every night in some
willows overhanging the. Holme a mysterious bird twitters, and the
local wiseacres cannot decide whether it is a nightingale or a sparrow.
We rather fancy they would have recognized the bird if it had been a
goose (h)only.

F UJNI.-JULY 20, 1872.

\ \\

~: ~"


- <1-


JutY 20, 1872.]

Ju .Y 20, 1872.]

I'm smoking, taciturn and grave ;
I'm seated on the river's strand,
Where mournful willows sadly wave:
A rod is in my hand.
My thoughts are borne on Fancy's wing
As far away as, one could wish;
I don't expect to catch a thing-
I didn't come to fish.
I've some misgiving in my mind
I didn't even bait my hook,
However, I am not inclined
To haul it-up and look.
A little after morning's beam
This round, unthinking world had gained,
I placed that hook within the stream--
And there ithas remained..
I broke from sleep's enthralling ties;
By wild poetic yearnings fired,.
To sit among the butterflies,
And try to get inspired.
To seek, 'mid blature's calm retreats,
And sweetly unfrequented scenes,
The -poet-pulse that grandly. beats,
In monthly magazines.
I sat when morning bathed the sky;
'Tis eve-and I am sitting now,
With "inspiration" in myieye,
And poet on my brow.
And where, across the river's span,.
The,sad, opposing willows wave,,
There sits aidan smokes another ma4,_
Abstracted, silent, grave.


A Curious Fact in Natural History.
THE other day we found in a scientific
work a recipe headed, To destroy black
beetles." The insects aimed at are not black
and are not beetles; but there are thousands
of them in, our kitchen, .so we procured, as
directed, large quantities of bracken or common
fern and strewed it about. The beetles did
not "eat it ravenously and die," nor did
" their relatives pick their bones," which may
have been due to the fact that they have no
bones. The next night we out the paragraph
out and laid it on the kitchen fl.ior. In
the morning it was found, considerably dogs-
eared and thumbed, lying in the midst of
thousands of defunct cockroaches. Curiously
enough the sides of each corpse were split.

Exchange no Robbery.
A CONTEMPLATIvz contemporary thus medi-
Adam Smith defined man as an animal that makes
bargains. Certainly, he is right. No other animal
does this. No dog exchanges bones with another.
We fear ADAM SMITH never went to a me-
nagerie, and that it is too late to offer to take
him to one. But we shall be happy to take
bur contemporary to the Zoo-any Monday.
HTe will there see in the monkey house, each
individual monkey helping himself to his
neighbour's provisions, and so intent on the
bargain, that he does not see that another
neighbour is helping himself to his. If this
doesn't look like modern speculation, we don't
know what it resembles.
A Burning Shame.
AN ardent admirer of the fair sex saw the
other day the announcement of an article
on Sensitive Flames in the Journal of the
Franklin Institute. Having obtained a copy
of the work at great expense and trouble, he
was delighted to find the paper was a purely
scientific treatise.

And, by his eye's unmeaning light,-
Although he holds a rod and line,
His thoughts appear to wander quite
As distantly as mine.
I found him there at morning's beam;
I've watched him through the noontide ray ;
And there he sits, and doesn't seem
Inclined to go away.
We watch each other on the sly,
Whene'er each other's glances stray,
And- when we catch each other's eye,
We look another way.
I've seen his waistcoat wildly heave,
I've seen him glare, as madmen do,
Until I rootedly believe
That's he's a poet too.
Perchance -his soul resembles mine-!
Perchance his troubled waistcoat means
That he, like me, essays to shine
In monthly magazines!,
Full often when he meets my look
He'll start, and tap his brow, and frown,
And then he'll seize a little book
And scribble, something down.
I hate to seem to merely try,
While he appears to try and do;
So, when he scribbles something, I
Pretend to scribble too.
And now my noble task is, done ;
(And he has finished, I suspectA).
ll read it by the setting sun,
And judge of its effect.
S 4,. *
I do not know how his may be;
The work-o'er-which he pondered 19ng;
But my attempt, it seems to me,
Is like a comic song!






[JULY 20, 1872.


Ho s they dress at the Camp.

Shooting. Mental impression of the Londoa Scottish. Oh! The beer. The Hebe of the pas-, and the present Ganymede.

The Guard's Camp. Which's way (hie) ou' ?" Home.

CNce more the bearded warriors grim,
With telescope and gun
Are hard at work in their Camp at Wim-
In their Camp at Wimbledon.
So come, let you and me-and him-
Just take a pleasant run
T) visit our friends in the Camp at Wim-
In the Camp at Wimbledon.
The H. A. C.'s, so tight and trim,
The Vics, so full of fun,
Will welcome us down to the Camp at Wim-
To the Camp at Wimbledon.
And you, oh, B, the scene shall limn,
How fields are fought and won
By the Volunteers in their Camp at Wim-
In their Camp at Wimbledon!

How, when it rains, these heroes swim,-
How roast, when glares the Eun;
How valour is shown in the Camp at Wim-
In the Camp at Wimbledon.
And till the sunset's rays grow dim,
The busy world we'll shun,
And take our ease in the C mp at Wim-
' In the Camp at Wimbledon!
And then, with liquor to the bfim,
A tankard, likb a tun,
They'll fill for us in the Camp at Wim-
In the Camp at Wimbledon.
And so till bugles douse our glim
With laugh, and song, and pun,
We'll spend the night in the Camp at Wim-
In the Camp at Wimbledon.




AFTER an absence of some years, employed in visiting various dis-
tant colonies, MR. and MRs. BANDMANN have returned to London, and
a few nights back made their appearance before a metropolitan
audience at the Queen's Theatre, MR. Tom TAYLOR'S play of .arcisse,
with which the name of BANDMANN is most associated, being the ve-
hicle of reintroduction. The sharp-tongued enthusiast on the subject
of his country's wrongs was portrayed with as much force as ever, and
Mits. BANDMANN pleased her old admirers in the role of Doris Quin-
ault. With regard to the new performers in Narcisse nothing need be
said, beyond remarking that. MR. GEORGE RIGNOLD was painstaking
and artistic as usual, that Miss ISABEL CLIFTON, as the Marquise de
Pompadour, rather surprised the most critical portion of the audience
with the excellence of her representation; and that a little more un-
animity in the pronunciation of Parisian names would have been
attended with advantage.
Were it not for the statement published by the Lyceum manage-
ment that Miss BATEMAN'S engagement must positively terminate on
the 27th inst., we should feel inclined to prophesy a long and success-
ful run for Medea in Corinth, a piece admirably written, and so far as
the principal character is concerned, splendidly acted. The story of
the connection between Medea and Jason differs so materially in its
versions that Ma. WLL's has had no difficulty in varying his adapta-
tion from those which have preceded it. The episode of the death of
Glance (or Glaucea as MR. WILLS calls her) is told by Medea, who is
supposed to read the operation by second sight, just before the
laughter of Merinerus and Pheres (here called Lycaon and Melan-
thus) and in. this portion of the play as well as in an incantation scene
Miss BATEMAN literally enthralls her listeners, and gives evidence of
histrionic power not even foreshadowed in Leah. The triumph of
the enchantress over her recalcitrant spouse is powerfully and weirdly
portrayed in the final tableau, and the curtain falls on a purely
artistic triumph. Ma. RYDrnv as Creon is stately but somewhat
stagey in his elocution; and MB. CHARLES WARNER makes an ex-
cellent Orpheus-an Orpheus who has not yet any sorrows but those
of other people to trouble him.: Of Ma. SwinequaNE'S Jason it is
difficult to treat. He is certainly not the Jason who excited. the love
of all women and'the wonder of all men; but seems to be a kind of lay
figure intended for the reception of Medea's objurgations. Miss VIRGINIA
FaANCes makes.a pretty and loveable Glaucea; and, though far from
enthusiastic on the subject of infant phenomena, we cannot withhold
our testimony to the precocious ability of MIss WILLA BROWN.
The concluding nights of MR. JOHN S. CLARKE'S engagement at
the Strand Theatre have been devoted to that favourite acter's
impersonation of Paul Pry. Though retaining many of the manner-
ismp so associated with .Ollapod, Pangloss and Wellington de-Boots,.
Ma. CLARKX's rendering of the inopportune visitor must be confessed
one of the most ludicrous bits of character-acting ever witnessed, a
statement corroborated by the tumultuous laughter which follows
almost every move and every word of the actor.
A new comedietta, entitled Our Farm, was the other night produced
at the Queen's. It offers no subject for comment beyond the remark;
that it reminds one forcibly of Domestic Ecoonomy, but as it gives Miss
MAGGIE BRENNAN "opportunity for a more than usually vigorous
display of her peculiar business, and allows MR. VoLLAiRE to show
his abilities, it is pretty favourably received.
We must record-the generosity and kindness with which our lead-
ing musical celebrities gave their services on Saturday the 6th to a
concert in aid of the family nf the late H. N. BAENETT.. SIMS REEVES,
HATTON- here be rames! and they were not without the aid of the
ladies, including our favourite everybody's favourite-Miss WYNNE.
They all sang, admirably and accepted encores most liberally, -though
by some mismanagement the concert had not been made sufficiently
known to attract such an audience as it deserved.

Please your. Worship.
WE sincerely hope this story is: a hoax:-
Several cases of pocket-picking on the occasion of the Prince of Wales's visit to
the east-end were detected by the vigilance of the police, and adequately punished
at Worship Street. In one instance Mr. Hannay-expressed a wish to see the modus
operandi her e ethree thieves conspired to rob, and it was illustrated for the
magistrate's edification by Ihe.'detective, who performed upon the chief usher's
pocket in court.
We are aware that already our jails are rather schools in vice than
reformatories. Surely our police courts are not going to be converted
into establishments for instructing youth in the art of pocket-picking.
We are curious to know whether that art is included in the drill of
our detectives.
',. Palmam Qui Meruit Ferat.
GOD temp rs the wind to the shorn.-LAcB." Nevetthelcss, it was
STEaKS who wrote it.
*f -% At

MR. EDITOR,-The other day as I was going along the street I saw
ina shop window a book called The Food Journal. UNCLE GEORGE had
just tipped me, so I was rather flush, and thinking probably that a
book about eating would be nice reading in school-time, when I go
back after the holidays, I went in and bought it. What do you
think P There is an article on School Dietari,'s in it, meaning the
sort of grub fellows get, and the chap -he signs himself M.D., so I
suppose he's a doctor-says that hampers from home" are abomina-
tions which cannot be too strongly condemned,' and he advocates their
being forbidden by the master. It ain't likely old SWISHTALE would do
that, and have us all come for.two helps ;-but all the same M D.'s a
pretty sort of a sneak to try it on, and I have been talking it over
with young WOPSHOT, and he and I think we'll do like they did at
Bethnal Green, offer a hundred pounds to anybody to bring M.D.
into the playground for an hour ,when rotten eggs are i season.
The only question is, supposing somebody brought him should we he
legally- compelled to stump up the hundred pounds ? because we
couldn't, you. see. Yours, &c.,
*, You had better consult a respectable solicitor.-Ed.

Measure for Measure.
THE WFareI seman and Draper obliges us with the following
quotation from "The Young Men's Petition to their Employers,"
recently circulated-at-Ipswich:- &
"We form no vain capricious wish,
No idle words deliver,
The boon we ask is small to grant,
A trifle to the giver;
But great to us is health and strength,
And sweet is virtuous pleasure-
A little time at evening chime,
An hour or two of leisure."
We have seen worse verse in pretentious magazines, and regret to
learn from our contemporary, who of course knows the trade well,
that the young men are not very likely to find their poetical effusion
aid them in obtaining their wish. Surely the employers should deal
liberally with those who are so good at their measures.

The Claims.
IT appears from the statement made by an American visitor at the
Young Men'sChristian Association in Alderagate Street, that the
meaning of the word Alabama" is here is rest." The Claims have
frilly carried out the meaning, for they have rested at one point for
many years-and it isn't quite sure that that point is settled now.

$xxsfas Ia $1%sgoalnhtxISx

Wrvan motretn unancepted 'MS. or Sketches, unless: ney are acco, m.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and wvs 4& not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.)
C. (Vauxhall Walk).-Our rule demands a stamped and directed en-
velope. We cannot make an exception in favour of a gentleman, who
says, ""I enclose stamp for return"-especially when he omits to en-
close it!
W. M. (BrToad-street).-We give it up. We are too busy to waste time
qn conundrums.
JOKIST.-" Small remuneration !" We can't :-there is no coin small
enough to represent the value. I
D. (Islington).-It always seems odd to us that when people-are in your
'situation their friends remove razors and knives, but do not take away
pen and_ink.
ILnTraius.-Look. here, sweet child! If, as you say-it will be of vital
importance to your poem," let somewhat" rhyme with come at."
Make it.so-as they say in the navy. Literature will be neither the
better nor the worse for it in a week or so.
XI-N-" Please insert this." That's refreshing this hot weather, and
so we have gratefully inserted 6' this "-in the W. P. B.
J. D. (Blue Anchor-road).-Why send to us when Bermondsey would
in the present dearth be, glad of the least contribution of a watery
Declined with thanks :-Quiz; 0. J. B., Glasgow; F. P., Southampton;
G. T. S., Retford; F. A., Nottingham; F. F.; J. P., Liverpool; R. and C.;
Shoni; W. W. J., London-street; H. T., Regent-street; G., Birmingham;
X. Y. Z.; Whitehands; J. H., Brighton; P. C. W.; F.; A. J. B., Cannon-
street; S. L.; N. H. ; B., Liverpool; Querist; The Irrepressible; A mason,
free!; S. M., Dalston; W., Islington: D.; F. N., Borough-road; Corker;
Undergraduate; P. P., Cloudesley-square; F. W. B.; R. C., Leeds; Planks;
E. C.; S. H., Sydenham; Care; A Builder; F. F.; Chips: Seedy; D. L.;
Q.; C. and Co; R., Bow.

JurY 20, 1872.]


[JULY 20, 187'.

The Bumbleten Yeomanry at sword drill.

THi Food Journal advocates tea so, uncompromisingly, one would
almost fancy it was the organ of the tea-trade, from such tea-traits.
Good Words appears with a black border as a mark of regard to its
late Editor. It is as excellent as ever, and the memoir of D a. MACLBOD
by DeAN STANLEY is really beautiful.
The Sunday Mfgazine is strong in both literature and art this
The Younq Gentleman's BMagazine will lose none of its interest for
the boys; its contents are as varied and amusing as ever.
Lmdon Society Holiday Number is rich in pictures. Ma. COLNtws
contributes a too close echo of DEKKBx We are curious to know how
the author of A Midsummer Medley" parses the passa'e-" was far
from being without of a charm." The number as a whole is excellent.
Good Words for the Youn7 never seems to flag. Commend us
specially to the Menagerie and the Lost Ship."
O'wr Young Folks is chiefly remarkable for its instalment of "A
Chance for Himself" It is a little overcrowded with Our Young
Contributors'" amateur performances.

From the Atlantic Monthly we still miss BaET HAUTE. We hope
success has not made him idle. Nevertheless HOLMEB with his Poet
at the Breakfast Table," and the "Echo Club," with other eminently
readable papers, make up a good number.
The People's Magazine is a good number. The new editor is to be
heartily congratulated on the fresh spirit he has introduced.
We have received a copy of the Volunteer Chronicle and .Rseve
Forces Gazette, which seems to fully carry out the principle involved in
its title, and in it we notice with pleasure the remarks of ENsiew
FRANK POOLE (19th Surrey). on the subject of obedience among

Qui facit per alium.
A MAN has been committ-d for trial for attempting to stab a gentle-
man to whom he was a complete stranger, in Kensington Gardens.
Prisoner, when charged with the offence, said there was a distress warrant in his
house, and he went out with the intention ofterminating his existence. Seeing the
prosecutor, however, he fell upon him.
This is straining the maxim qui faeit per alium faolt per.se; and we
sincerely trust that the idea of committing suicide by proxy will be


S-')nITR is a Pure Spirit, and free from Essential

POi1UR Is remarkably pleasant t, the taete.
P e asslste tigesti n, and supports the Vital

ROB~l .IR pneeoet Imrortant qoalitiee wlhi h
mre erit of great benefit to the Faculty.

ROlUIR Is Lees Inebriating than tany nther
S4rlt, but eontaits greater otimulati g
Qaalh tIe.

UM D3 wa 3& U.

T ToR .-"ro the '"t. Cbeinham-olace. Beleraceosqoare, 8.W., Ird NOv. WI.
"ODU.-"Fromthe anlyslof the New Sptit buI,' it appears to -e a cor itl
R, and tc 'F .lmulant, .o ding in solution. n ea er reeable form. ingredients eat.
ettaed to exhilarae the ertem without n abseqteit depreeslon. ing pure, it moot
take a high pslitio,, as a gplrit for notementle the vtal forces, and dlpon.lnA many of
te pernicious drinks that now flood the market, to the mamilet injury If the ebli'.
"JAM *I''V.AN. F. .S."
Thol Anal, a1.*ai Oaistar, ,ommitneeon. 2. Adeloiil-ter. itraed. London, 0th Aug.171.
R"oUit 1. have made a a',lysnl of the *slrit termed Robur,' and find I, to con-
tain the active ontituenteofTee. viz., Tunnhnt, Thelne, &c. The comnbiation is
a eecliar and re1mtrtable one and there can be no doubt but that the action t the
Alcohol is materially modified ; nothing of an injurious earateir was deteel ed.
"ARTHUR HILL, HASSALL. M.D., Author of Food and Ie Adulteratlons,'
'Adolteratlona Detected,' &I."


I EOBUR has d marvellous effect in sorthl-g the
s Nervous System, and ind.icing refresthiug

ROeu*l nfrrds, when mixe with Aerated or
Itd Water, a most delight-ul BeTe-nee

ROOBUR Is Sold by the Pr'ncluDl Wine Meroehant
and Gtroeers In Great Blritatin and Ireland, 42S.
per dA.
OlleUR-Whnletaie only Irom the RohirDis.
tiery Compay No. 'o. Bonny-street am.
den-town Station. London. N.W. .

r, ,mne, oy J UUDD CO., Phtenix Works, 8t. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street. B.C. London: Ju n 7 2.



JULY 27, 1872.1


FOR a couple, one dish very often will do,
Yet our Restaurants charge for that one dish as two!
How quickly they'd learn, at small cost and less trouble,
That folks, who share portions, eat treble, not double
As much as they would on this niggardly plan,
Which insists on a separate plateful per man.
1. A sweetbread by name
Is all very well;
But few, whence it came,
Are able to tell.
And few-far fewer-coull one thing affirm for it-
What is the learned and technical term for it!
2. This Pegasus, absurd and flihfhty,
MaRK TWAIN bestrod& in Otaheite,
When MARK on lofty themes outlainches,
The crittur squats upon its haunches.
3. Bobadil hid behind the wall,
When over the parapet dropt a ball:
With a hop and a bound it onward sped,
,And cropped like a daisy poor BOBADIL's head!
4. It needs a weaver's skill, you understand,
To make stuff ribbed ". as the brown sea-sand,
5. Without a sou or a copper to sky,
I'm as happy as I can be;
For I care for nobc dy, no, not I;-
And nobody cares for me.
6. What the creature is I cannot tell-
But CANON KINesLEY ought-to!
For he sings how one in the linn it fell,
And a terrible end was brought-to.
7. To the simile "ugly as sin,"
One's faith if 'tis proper to pin;
The saints from the sinners more clearly to show,
They used this in paintings long ages ago.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 279.-Geneva Claims:-
Georgic, Estival, Nirwana, Effendi, Venom, Aspara-
CoaRier SOLUTIONS OF AcROBTIc No. 279, received 17th July:-
H,,meless Pansy; Yerrip,; Lindis; Zcbedee; Smug; D. E. H.;
Biddy and Potter; X. Q.; lQ.


A MILLER of Stockton has been summoned for using an article
supposed to be sawdust for the adulteration of meal. It was stated
The stuff impugned had been duly delivered at the defendant's mill, that it went
by the name of Jonathan," and that it was largely and habitually employed in
the adulteration of Indian meal, barley meal, and the larinaceous compound known
as pig meal."
The analyst could not swear "Jonathan" was wood, but it was
"woody." We imagine it must be produced by triturating those
celebrated'nutmegs which cousin JONATHAN manufactured. The
miller was fined, but the magistrates were at a loss what to do with
the sacks of Jonathan." The stuff was finally destroyed; but if we
may believe the Chicago Tribune that an excellent brandy is manu-
fatured from pine sawdust in that enterprising town, it is a pity that
" Jonathan was not passed back to his own parish. Only we hope
the Chicagese will keep the spirit for their own consumption-or
perhaps we should say their own del trem-for if every drop of ordinary
spirits is, as the teetotallers say, a nail in one's coffin, a glass of this
wood-demon must go far towaids providing a plank for it.

More like it.
SOMEBODY quotes the following from CoNFUCIUS:-
Return a good deed by the like; but never revenge an injury.
CONFucIUs, if he hadn't been an old donkey, would have put it more
neatly, thus:-Return a good deed by the like; revenge an injury by
the dislike.

Pabulum for Thought.
"GAME as a Pebble" is a common expression-Why! on almost
any sea-shore you may see a boulder stone.



Dennis:-" FAITH, Miss, I DUNNO!"
Dennis :-" AN' SURE, MISS, I DON'T MANE To !

Latest per Train.
GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, who is still at large-like one pea in a
drum and making a d al of noi-e, has Nent us his platform," which
is so comical tuat we can't help thinking that his Secretary, GEORGE
P. BEMIS, has be-n consulting with his old friend and fllow-trave ler,
MARK TWAiN. We just put side by side some of the iems in the
programme to sho v the consistency of the Man of Destiny, next
President of America :-
War with England. Reduction of Army and Navy.
Non-intercourse. I Ocean Penny Postage.
Vote by BAllot to Boys of Penal Servitude for Briber and
Eighteen. Bribed.
Success to Strikers. Cninese Emieration.
Compulsory Education. Vaccination prohibited.
Free trade means England and Free Banking-down with mo-
low wages. nopoly.
What do our Odgerites and Dilkeites say to the possibility of any man
who aspires t, a Preidency of a great country being capable of such
rot? Even they must see the folly of TRAIN. Perhaps !

The Long and Short of it.
A PHILOSOPHICALLY inclined journal observes: -
Genius m likes its observa ions in short-hand; talent writes them out at length.
It strikes us that's why so many of the observations of genius are
quite unintelligible to most people.

L'enfant Gate.
THE Woolwich Infunt is suffering from internal injuries. Studded
shot have been fired from it and have injured its little tummy. Why
this studied cruelty to the child P



FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 24, 1872.

THE session's nearly over!
And soon, a happy rover,
To Dover- or to clover-
Each M.P. goes!
Anotice up-" This shop
Will shortly dose."
"Alarming Sacrifices!
Reductions great in prices!"
And similar devices,
The shop-front shows!
And members, bent on grouse,
Are glad to hear the House
Will shortly close.
But the House we cannot flatter-
It nought has done but chatter-
And scarce one useful matter
Has passed, one knows,-
And the disappointed country
Hopes such faineant effront'ry
Will shortly close!

Wimbledon, July 16th.
MY COCKALoortm,-This is written from the shoulders of my
supporters, four of the brawniest members of the gallant London
Scottish, at Wimbledon. The position, although glorious, is a some-
what giddy one, and I am obliged to rest on elbow on the frosty
pow of Sergeant JOHN AN-risoN (formerly known as the Great
WizaIrd of the North), of the Kilt Company, while using the bald head
of Corporal ALISTER McALISTEsc as a blotting pad. I am afraid that
Private McSXE.sn ca, who is bearing up my left leg, has had too
much Loving Cup; or, perchance, 'tis the treacherous shiftiness of the
Wimbledon soil that makes him stagger so. Again, it is rather difficult
to write copy amidst rounds of cheering, and cries of Bravo VArx !"
" Heaven bless you, Colonel," from a hundred and fifty thousand
people; and with all the Pied Pipers of Hamelin or Caledonia or
Jericho-or wheresoever those confounded bagpipes come from-
,skirling out Auld Lang Syne," Willie brewed a peck o'maut,"
and similar patriotic ditties. However, an orderly of the Royal Horse
Guards Blues is waiting to convey my manuscript to the "Fun"
office. Duty must be attended to. When was a VAUX late with his
"copy"? [Aylways: Ed. Fuw.] Steady, there, Private Mc SnearssIeG,
and in another half-minute the world shall know how -the Queen's
Prize at Wimbledon, in July, 1872, was won by Colonel GuIno hVAtx,
Honorary Commander of the Lbndon Scottish, and Perpetual Bom-
bardier of the H.A.C.
I am sorry-I am sincerely sorry for my old and dear friend,
Mic. A more gallant, a truer-hearte, a truer-hearted, a pawkierr" Scot does not
exist ; and with one distinguished exception (ahemo!) I consider, nay. I
authoritatively proclaim him to be the very best marksman in the
United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. We were educated
together at the establishment of the Rev. Mr. Me SnELrr aNDo',
Whistlebinkie, N.B., where Mr. WHISTLER was a day boy. I always
predicted, from the way he had of scraping his slate pencil, and his
exquisite dexterity in frying sausages in a shovel (over the school-
room stove), with bear's grease for dripping, that MICIIn would
become a crack shot. But "there is no armour against Fate," as my
old chum, BEa. JoNsoN, used to say, and Colour-Sergeant MienCiIE,
of the London Scottish, was fated to be honourably defeated by
You may have heard that the recumbent attitude has now become
the universal position for long-range shooting, and at the firing point
fur the 1,000 yards range on Tuesday, a long grassy bank, slightly
raised, had been prepared, on which the competitors, six or eight
abreast could lie and fire-as if from an intrenchment-at the target
in the distance. As a rule, I shoot as I write, Lying; but on this
occasion, I deemed it expedient to "vary my usual prone attitude.
Thus, for the 800 yards range, I stood my back to the butts, and
bending down my head, looked between my legs. When the 900
yards had to be polished off, I fell flat on my back and elevated-my
legs as far above my head as possible, and balancing my rifle (a KEuPa
Ai-MSTONG), loaded with Chocolat MENIEB and Ceramic lessenrs, from
the South Kensington Museum, pulled the trigger with my left great

(JULY 27, 1872.

toe, and fired (as it seemed to the uninitiated) pointblankat the blessed
Sun. In reality, the shot, after making a parabola of against
the Milky Way ricochetted at an anale of 45j degrees to the summit of
the Westminster Clock Tower, much to the discomfiture of Mr. Ayrton,
who was busily employed in his aerial laboratory making squibs, and
chucking them into the Thames, with the intention of setting that
noble stream on fire. After that the bullet sped straight to Wimble-
don, and hit the desired bull's eye. But at the 1,000 yards came the
crucial test. What did G. V. do, Sir, at that conjuncture ? He stood
on his head, carryin.r his rifle between his teeth, and then, by a sudden
movement, sprang into the air, described a double somersault,
making twelve bulls' eyes in.the course of each gyration. Bulls' eyes!
I made so many that three old women outside the palings of the en-
campment have set up stalls for the sale of .swectstuff; their stock-in-
trade being composed of the spare bulls' eyes with which I have
generously presented them. But this is warm work, and I must take
breath. Pheugh!
CovRIS, the silver medallist, I very soon disposed of; and HEATON,
with about a hundred-and-fifty more di-tinguished Freischiitzer, soon
discovered that they had no chance with G. V. Chance They never
had the p host of one. But why do I talk of ghosts ? Perhaps G. V.
may be in league with -- Horrorror! Perhaps at the Wimbledon
Windmill, and by the pale moonlight on Monday night, G. V. met a
party in a blood-red mantle, and with a hollow voice, and by the name
of ZAMIEL. Perhaps there was an Incantation scene, and a skeleton
chorus, and a Stventh BuVet was cast. Perhaps G. V.'s name. is
CASPAR. But no more.
So apparently superlatively superb was the shooting of Colour-
Sergeant MICHIE that, from a comparison with other scores (except
one; except one, aha !), it seemed that his aggregate of 65 could not
be beaten: and his friends caught him up in their arms, and raised a
tremendous cheer. I looked at my own- private score and chuckled.
I heard the thundering echoes of multitudinous acclamations, "A
MICIc E a Mic:siE !" "Auld Scotia for ever !" I marked tha time by
a gold chronograph which I had borrowed (from the shop window in
Bond Street) to Oblige BENsoN (Ae says that he will be obliged to
Prosecute, but that's only his Fun), and grinned. The cheering con-
tinued, and, in secret exultation, I whistled like the Oozly Bird in
the midst of the Great Desert of Gobi, when he discovers a plump
missionary coming that way with the Dairymaid's Daughter (a beau-
tiful little tract) on his arm. Then, with slow and solemn steps, but
full of stern confidence, I made my way to themy way to the ess Tent of th
London Scottish. I was alone. The Giants ani,t be alone. I wore
a sly-blue kilt, scarlet kniclerbockers, and eighty-seven cairngorms
as waistcoat buttons. In the remote distance Mr. WVsrrISTL followed
me, clad in Magenta frews and a Roman toga, and reciting alternate
stanzas of Ossian in Gaelic, and Fie Fie at the Fair," in the purest -
BanowixrsE, which he pronounces charmingly.
Colour-Sergeant MI-Es. blushing like a peony, was on the shoulders
of his dhuine-wassels. The gallant London Scottish were pressing on
him offerings of haegis, Finnan haddies, Cockaleekies. sour sowens,
Dundee marmalade, bubbly-jocks, Tam o' Shanters, Cutty Sarks, Shorter
Catechisms, and other refreshing beverages. The supposed victor was
weeping tears of joy and tryingto sing"Johnny Cope," while the pipers
were playing "Jock o' Hazeldean" on an AIrXANiDRE Harmonium in the
key of Asia Minor. I looked on, sadly and serenely, when a tall man,
of somewhat American aspect, although clad in the garb of old Gaul,
walked up to me, and said:-
Dr. LIVINGSTONE, I presume!"
I remembered then that I had a long white beard, and that I wore
a naval cap with a faded gold and. 'I hose circumstances accounted
for the stranger's mistake. I smiled gently and replied,
"No, STANIEY, I am not Dr. LVnINusToar. I am Dr. VAVX, Pro-
fessor VAuX, the Rev. G. VAUX-COLONEL GULIDO VAVX in a word."
STANLEY immediately expired, and did not return to his disconsolate
family till the grouse shooting commenced. The crowd collapsed,
and the supporters of Sergeant MICImE, dropping that hero as though
he had been a hot potato, rushed towards me with flashing eyes and
unsheathed usquebaughs.
Cead Xlitle f,,ilthe ." they yelled in their native Erse, which may
be translated as, "What the deuce brings you there "
"'Domner anso Blizn," I responded, in the purest Gaelic.
We are Clan Alpine's warriors true," they roared, "and you're a
regular do. Colour-Sergeant MClIEi, already the winner of the Blue
Ribbon of Wimbledon, the Gold Badge of the Association, and a
cheque for 250/., has carried off the Queen's Prize, and right worthily
has Ae won it, and long may the pivcky Scot live to enj,.y his laurels.
His score is 65. Gowo! Gowo!" ("Gowo"in Gaelic means "Shut
"I am very sorry," I resumed mildly; "but mnqgna est veritas ct
prevalebit. My SCORE is THREE HUNDRED AND SixTY Two."
Colour-Sergeant MICIIIE immediately went into mourning, but
being restored by copious draughts of the G. V. Loving Cup,'


JULY 27. 1872.] F UTN 37

which I had brought with me in casi of accidents, his noble instincts
forbade him to nourish anything resembling fee ings of envy or un- THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE.
charitableness towards me. Making his will in my favour, and pre- TRALT TH P BI Y Da aL
sending me with sev ral (unpaid) scores t ottsh hoses all in TANSLATED ROM THE FESIA BY SD GILE.
the metropolis, he hailed a hansom cab, and buried himself in the XII.
heart of his native mountains.
Oddly enough, Sergeant MICHIE took with him the Wimbledon Bl. I 1 --N old gentleman sat dowm
.Ribbon, tho Gold Badge of the Associa ion, the Queen's PFize, and, in ii dy, upon an acorn,
* particular, the X250 cheque. Parenthetically, I may as well mention se fioning it a very comfort
that your own cheque arrived here safely, but through the careless- seat, we r otndly to
ness of Mr. WHISTLER, it has somehow got mislaid, and I should b Tche warmth of his
obliged if you would forward another by.return. After the departure caused the cornew to r
of Colour-Sergeant MICHIE, G. V. of course became the lion of the day. nate, and it grew so ra
The H. A. C. fire l a/;u de joie in my honour, and Lady'l)uci sent to that when the sleeper a
ask me to tea at the cottage. I was, of course, photographed in my he fortk himself setti
exalted position on the shoulders, of my gallant henchman, by Mr. the fork of an oak, sixt
CHARLES WATKINS, of Chancery Lane, assisted by Mr. HATER, of rom the ground.
Pimlico, and the directors of the Stereoscopic Company. Adieu 1 my "Ah! "said he, "
true and brave companion--and don't forget the cheque, fond of having an exte
Thine always, GuIno. ; Bhappens to please my f
P.S.-If you hear any malevolent rumours about my attempting to P but this ne does not s&
claim the Queen's Prize, being denounced as an impudent swindler, of 4 possess that merit. I
my being kicked round the refreshment buffets by the just y incensed :k -\' I will go home."
Colour-Sergeant MICHIE, and of my subsequently being given into ? Up to this point, this
custody for attempting to purloin a corkscrew fronathe London Scot- #-( teaches that it is easi
tish mess tent; all I can say is crede Vax. Tiaere isadeodsetayanst say go home than to go
me by tle hrelrhines of the press at Wimbioledo,. Mr. GODEFROY DE k We'l, well!" he
BouILLON hates G. V. COSrELIUS O'iHo, Esq., loathes me; the great sumed, "If I cannot c(
MACFUDGe has sworn to have moy,blood; and G. DISsueTus StAMB.A, circumstances to my v
Esq., is pledged to have my dat. I grieve to say that he shall not have -can at least adapt my
it. If these vassal miscreants of the Fourth Estate were not my deadly n to cireumstancea. I d
foes why should they have suppressedthe fact that Colonel Guio VAx I to remain. 'Life'-
was the winner of the match at Polo, or Hockey onHorseback, played certain eminent ph
in Windsor Park ? Why should they not have made mention of the pher in England
gratifying circumstance, that when the Glatesn was fired into by the say, whenever there shall be an England to say it in-' is the del
Hotspur, the turret of the first-named vessel contained, in addition to combination of heterogeneous changes, both simultaneous and su
a rabbit, a goat, and a fat hen, a stuffed effigy of Colonel GuIDO VAux, nive, in correspondence with eternal eo-existences and sequence
smoking a short pipe, and reading the libra, y edition of the Theory have, fortunately, a few years of this before me yet; and I sup
of Foreign Exchanges," by the Right Hon. GEORGB JOACHIM GOSCHEN, can permit my surroundings to alter me into anything I choose."
M.P., First Lord of the Admiralty ? But whither are truth and jus- And he did; but what a choice!
tice fled? ,Ingrata Patria, as Scipio A icA xrs remarked. I artiek to I should say that the lesson hereby imparted is one of content
the health of Col u -Sergeant Aftchie, of the London Scottishi, and I wish combined with science.
him better luck next time. XmT."

How to do it.
WE extract a notice, headed IMrriage in High Life," from a
recent number of the San Francisco fewstter :-
The Rev. Dr. Renton, ed't.'r-in-chief of the Pacific, united in the holy bands of
matrimony, June 12th, in Oakland, Timothy L. Barker. Esq., of the mercantile
firm of Wellman, Peck and Co of thi. city, to Mi-s Mary R. Si an son, of 0 kland,
a recent graduate of Mills' Institute. His Excellency, Newton Booth, Governor of '
the State, acted as groomsman on the happy occasion. No cards, cakes or callers
It will be observed that over there, Editors move in high fe, and
perform the marriage service without being -' assisted by several
bishops; while state officials act as groomsmen. We expect shortly to
announce that "the EFitor of Fun has united ia the bands of matri-
mony Jeremiah Reddimony, E'q., of the firm of Reddimony, Gold-
schildt, and Rothschmidt to Miss Selina Barblew, who recently took --
high honours in tne Cambridge Local Examination. The Right -
Hon. the First Lord of the Treasury acted as groomsman. No billets
bridecakes, or bores."
A certain Persian nobleman obtained from a cowgipsy a
Much Ado about Nothing. American oyster. Holding him up by the beard he addressed
THERn seems to be a dearth of news this year before the arrival of thus:
the silly season. If not, why does a-contemporary tell us this :_ "You must try to forgive me for what I am about to do; and
An English girl crossed the Atlantic the other day to marry an American whom should nevll set abof utit allowing you if it wer haven'ot so easymuch tim
she had never seen, and.only knew by correspondence. should never think of swallowing you if it were not so easy; but o
tunity is the strongest of all temptations. Besides, I am an orj
When a girl makes up her mind to marry a fellow, the Atlantic is as tuand ery hungry."
inconsiderable an obstacle as the fedow's wish not to marry her. an. very well," replied the oyster; "it affords me genuine pie
to comfort the parentless and lhe starving. I have already don
Sound and Fury. best for our friend, here, of whom you purchased me; but although
A SCIsNTric contemporary assures the public that:- has an amiable and accommodating stomach we couldn't agree.
The Royal Geographical Society are taking steps to press upon the Government this trifling incompatibility-would you believe it ?-she was abo
the importance of an expedition to the North Pole by way of Sm-th's Sound. stew me! Saviour, benefactor, proceed."
That's a good advertisement for SMITE ; but if we were the Society we I think," said the nobleman rising and laying down the oe
would swop the steps for a good long ladder that would reach to the I ought to know something more definite about your anteoee
top of the Pole, and let SMITH Sound his own trumpet. before succouring you. If you couldn't agree with your mistress
are probably no better than you should be."
Trying it on. People who begin doing something from a selfish motive frequ
EVERYTHING will come in useful if you keep it seven years. A drop it when they learn that it is a real benevolence,
young lady, merely to put this to the test, has deprived herself of a
new dress-and purchased a plain gold ring. Morro FoR CamcKETes.-There's nothing like Leather-hunti

n, one
og in
y feet

I am

ier to

ill, I
as a
s.' I
ose I



e. I

e my
h she
ut to

. you



38 FUN.

[JULY 27. 1872.

S ii

Street Arab:-" No, Guiv on !"
P. P. :-" CAN Yo Warr F
8. A. :--No, Guv'No I"

IT is decided that a dining-house-keeper cannot charge for a double
portion the price of a triple, or seize his customer's hat to pay the
difference. We hope this will make the judicious grieve-no! the
Grieves judicious. = The House will be up by the tenth of August.
"Come, upgrouse ye, upgrouse ye I my merry men all I = It is re-
ported that KING COLE, of South Kensington, is about to abdicate. We
hope the rumour is not too true to be eood! = AYRTON at it again!
DR. HOOKER, famous for taking care of his Peas and Kew, is about to
resign in consequence of the 2Edile's urbanity. We should prefer to
see the AEdile become a Hooker, and take his hook.

A Match for them.
A LITTLE while ago CAPTAIN SHAW reported that out of six fires
occurring in the Metropolis during twenty-four hours, on a certain
Friday, three were caused by children pla ing with Incifer matches.
We presume that he intends by implication to condemn such infantile
amusements; and we beg distinctly to deprecate any interference with
the recreation of the little ones. At the same time we admit that the
darlings would do well to suck the explosive matter off the ends of the
matches before striking them. It may be urged that the matter in
question is a strong poison; but we do not see that that should at all
militate against the children's amusements.

An Injudicious Illustration.
A c&sE of matrimonial squabbling and fighting is reported by the
South London Press, as recently tried before MR. TAYLOR, the County
Court Jud.e for Lambeth. As it appeared to be a case for recon-
ciliation rather then separation, the erudite judge interposed, and
suggested the former. Addressing the wife he said:-
She doubles, remembered that Ruth said of her husband, that his people should
be her people, and his God her God.
The result was that the wife consented to return to her husband; a
course which reflects more credit on her, heart than her head. We
don't remember RUTH's addressing the observation to her husband.
If our memory serves us better than the learned judge's served him,
it was to her mother-in-law that RUTH thus expressed herself.

A Capacious demand.
IT seems the builders have "run up houses, until people begin to
expect too much from such exalted dwellings.
JTOUSE.-WANTED, on lease, an eight or ten roomed house, with a studio, or
capacity for making one. The neighbourhood of Kensington or Notting-hill
preferred.-Apply, &c.
A house with a capacity for making a studio! This artist will next
advertise for an easel with a capacity for painting pictures!


V] UN.-JULY 27, 1872.

*21 z
- I" 1 -U




JuY 27; 1872.]. I NT.U 41

IWOULD I were a, rill,
That gambols dn a hill,
Reflects the sky, and huriies by,
Without a thought of ill!
And yet I scarcely know,-
For, ah, my waves below,
There would be eels, which give me squeals
Where'er I chance to go.
I would I were a bird,,
Whcse song with joy is heard;
A harmless thing on painted wing,
That says no wicked word. i
And yet I scarce can say,
For urchins have a way -
'With needles hot my sight to blot,
And that would scarcely pay.
I'd rather be a flow'r,
And blossom in a bow'r,
And circumvent the place with scent -
Of rich and fragrant pow'r.
And yet I scarce can tell,
For if they liked the smell,
They'dpick me quick, and stick me slick
In button-hole of swell.

Too Retiring.
A ii was charged at the Middlesex
Quarter Sessions with attempting to pick
pockets at St. Stephen's Church, West- a .
bourne Grove. He escaped conviction GROUND OF A STRIKE.
owing to the unwillingness to appear of
lndies who-e pockets he had tritd. Were Stout Customer :-" WHAT TWOPENCE FOR A SbAVE
the dear creatures ashamed of being Barber :-" YES, sIp, FACT IS I IND THAT ALL THESE STRIKES iaAKLE PEOPLE COmE IN

JAMES JONES, THE JOURNEYMAN JOINER. brown sugar. "Sir," said JAMES, "Many's the pound you've had of
me one time and another. Give us a couple of ounces of the three-and-
A TEMPERANCE TRACT. fourpenny souchong." "Get out." said the grocer, "I shouldn't
T RE was not a nicer boy than little Jim in the parish. He was think of asking you for a carved sideboard or a dining table! JAMES
strong, smart, and healthy; and could b3 seen any Sunday toddling was disgusted at his selfishness. He went home and thought the
o with his father's pint and pipe, occasionally taking a pull at the matter over seriously, and determined to reform. He smashed the
home with his father's pint and pipe, occasionally taking a pull at the teapot, melted the pewter medal, and sent out for a pint of half and
former. He grew up to be an intelligent and rapid workman. teapot, melted the pewter medal, and sent out for a pint of half and
There wasn't a neater hand as a joiner in the upholstery trade. It half.
treat to see him fitting up a chess-table or any such delicate job. After a time his struggles to return to-respetability were success-
was a treat to see him fitting up a cess-table or any such delicate job ful. He is now in the employ of the Sheriff, and lives in elegant
he was so nimble at it. Of course he earned very good wages, and mansions of which he is put temporarily in possession. He always
could always have his pot of beer, aye, and stand a glass or two to a takes gin-and-s water, cold, d smor etuarily in possession. He alwaysns.
hiss fortunate fellow-workman. He married JENNY, the niece of MaI. takes gin-aud-water, cold, and smokes Returns.
TainmTs of "the Hope and Anchor," and they took a comfortable If this veracious narrative opens the eyes of on e single reader to the
little cottage and brought up their family respectably. Mas J. could evils of indulgence in tea-drunkenness, the object of the writer will be
h ve her porter when the doctor recommended it, and as for Jm every accomplished. a
sunday evening he took his gin-and-water and pipe like a duke.
Unfortunately this was too bright to last. One day JIm fell into "Ancient Costume."
conversation with a smug-faced man in a shiny hat, who had a roll of A CoNTeroi nur gives an obituary of
paper under his arm. 'Ihis fiend in human shape told him a number Sergeant Donald Macleod, Highlander and celebrated swordsman, born, June'
of amusing fictions, and so worked on his mind by promising him a 1688; died 1797; aged 109.
pewter medal in six months time, that the unlucky young man signed The following passage is from a sketch of his career.-
the pledge. From that moment his downward course began. JAMss ., His early life was spent in the midst or incredible hardship. with shortness
Jovas became a confirmed tea-drinker. His indulgence in that nar- of food and clothing, whine comprised, meal, porridge, oatmeal cakes, milk and
cotic poison ruined his digestion, disordered the action of his heart, sh-."
and completely shattered his nerves. Nor was this the only evil this Of course it is nothing new to learn, that "of old," Highlanders
tippling did him. The gallons of hot water he swallowed injured the were afflicted with shortness of clothing (the kilt, to wit), or with
coats of his stomach, and were strongly prejudicial to the nutrition of scant allowance of meal, milk, or fish, as food, but it is rather new to
his body. His wife fell a victim to the same pernicious indulgence, us, that their clothing comprised porridge, oatmeal cakes, fish, &c.
and not only drank it to excess, but also gave it to the children, who We had imagined them clad in limitless uncut and unkempt hair,
grew weak and sickly in consequence. rusty ragged tartans, dirks, claymores, snuffs, and Scotch mists.
Before long the miserable JoNis found his shaken nerves telling But now we find, they were clad in milk, fish, and oatmeal, we can
upon his ability to do the delicate work for which he had once earned but conclude they ate the other things, and can readily believe such
such a repute. His master's customers complained of the inferior food and such raiment in early life, "comprised" "incredible
quality of the goods, and his master found it was necessary to dis- hardships"-conducive to longevity.
charge him. He could not obtain employment as a joiner any longer,
and was driven to French polishing to earn his bread. An Enthusiast
At last came the ultimate-dromedary which fractured the straw's An Enthusiast.
vertebra Jimmt had not had a cup of teafor several days, when he A MAN the other day poisoned himself with a packet of "vermin-
happened to be passing the door of the grocer, with whom he had destroyer" of his own invention and manufacture. Of c u -se this is
spent so much of his wages, and saw him standing at his doorto watch a capital advertisement for the article, but we fear the inveator will
the delivery of a cart-load of best sand, for improving the quality of not greatly profit by it.


[JULY 27, 1872.


Faces familiar at the Oval.

Confused Recollections of the Game.

Delight of the spectators, at a "good 'un of GRACE s."

HEnE's a cheer for the cricketers, stout devotees
To the game in which Britons delight;
Who can play all day long, with the greatest of ease,
And spend in enjoyment the night ;-
PROPERTaus-like, sic noctem paterd, sic et
Carmine aurant-till morn brings back cricket!
There's a match at the Oval, so let us away,
To watch the contention once more;--
The bat has the best of it now, so they say,-
And truly the fellows do score !
We've arrived at the gate-paid our bob for a ticket,
And sit down contented to study our cricket.
The game is beginning-each man to his place,
As the bowler makes sign with his hand ;
And yonder-ah, me! how familiar the face !-
As umpire see LILLYWHITE stand;
And, lo, there are CHARLWOOD and GRACE at each wicket-
To-day we shall see something very like cricket!

It's long since I ventured a swipe or a draw,
Though at one time I could play a bit-
But I shouldn't much like to be bowled at by SHA w,
He's so-Hang it! Well hit, sir, well hit!-
A very clean drive right across to the thicket-
I mean, to the trees. Come this is pretty cricket !
Well, bowling's not one of the easiest jobs,
And the ins" are determined and stout;
But at last by full pitches, or shooters, or lobs,
The last is at length given "out,"-
A catch at short leg, where a smart man stood picket;
now we'll to lunch ere resuming our cricket.
Come fill up a flagon, and fling up a hat,
And cheer for each cricketing elf !
It grieves me to think I'm so old and so fat
That I can't have an innings myself;
But, alas, I no longer can ran like a pricket!
(Or two year old buck, and the last rhyme for cricket.)



Sm,-It may interest you to know that my absence last week from
your columns was caused by duties of public importance, which in con-
consideration of a small unsettled account between us, you shall be the
first to publish. Need I inform you, who know me so well, that I-1
the felicitous AUGsPUa. the hero of a hundred straight tips-am in
private life known as Warmingpan, of the famed HOtel de Jacobus,
where an ad libitum supply of hats can be obtained at a moment's
notice P You are aware of it, I know, Mr. Editor, for many a time and
oFt, in poorer albeit happier days, have you partaken of the ectelettes A
1a chapeau blanc, the rissoles A Melton, and the potage an bisque du
Lincoln et Bennett at my particular table. But you do not know that
our success has been so great, and our stock of old clothes so extensive,
that, as our proprietor can only wear one hat at a time, we have
&dtermired to open up a limited liability company for the supply of
sartorial suppers and collations des chapeaux, by which means the
Millennium will be one step nearer, and the old-clothes man become a
t'ing of the past. Gentlemen can deposit coats, trousers or vests,
hoots, umbrellas, or hats several days beforehand, and may telegraph
instructions on the morning of the race-of the dinner I mean-and I
guarantee full justice shall be done them. Large or small parties
accommodated, and gentlemen or families waited on at their own
residences. All complaints to be addressed to the secretary's office,
Hatfield. N.B.-I am the secretary.

And now, that business being over, let me have the pleasure of
looking forward in the interests of my subscribers to the Goodwood
Meeting. I always look forward to Goodwood with great interest,
because my instincts are those of an aristocrat, and aristocracy and
Goodwoed are synonymous. There is yet another reason why I love
the ducal meeting, and this is based on my admiration of a good joke.
A good joke needs no bush, says the old proverb; no one admits that
more freely than I do. And therefore, when that splendid quip about
" Glorious Goodwood "-a.quip which has the advantage of terseness,
being cont-ined in its own two words-appears annually in the
columns of a sporting contemporary, I admit its crankness and am
glad. Indeed, so glad.
Let us g. t on ; let us invoke the spirit of prophecy. Cold without I
.find it best. But I am in a quandary, which two bottles of the best
methylated have failed to dispel. My familiar has this time only
made me acquainted with the initial ltPer of the name possessed by
the positive winner of the Giodwood Stakes, and so I can only say-
To you who'd back the winning horse
I freely will confess,
That foremost on the Goodwood gorse
Careering o'er that famous course,
Will rome the letter S.
But whether Shannon bears the bell,
Or Spennilhorne, I cannot tell,
And so I'm in a mess.
All you who love to bet on Stakes,
Are looking out I guess.
My previous reputation shakes,
My very heart within me quakes,
I am in sore distress.
For Sparrow may secure the tin-
Suppose Survivor were to win!
And Sudeley starts with S'!
So, what's to be done ? Leo's have another invocation. Perhaps a
little sugar will this time be an assistance. Now then-
0 muse so glorious, descend, descend,
I promise certainly my ways I'll mend ;
Psay then admit me to your soft caresses,
Dispel the bother of these blessed S's.
I never nursed a Spennitborne. No, that's not it. I am a bold
Survivor, though I'd rather be a driver. That won't do. On the
green banks of Shannon, Shelmartin was nigh, and Sparrow was
present, but Sudeley was by. D- Sudeley. There's nothing for it
but another invocation . Where's bottle? Where's b'tl I
shay. Shelmartin wash nigh. B'tl B'tl fr inv'cash'n ...
[We regret to say that the foregoing is all that can be deciphered of
the Augepurious manuscript, and even in the face of the fact that our
gifted but too easily impressed contributor will charge us with envy
and malice; we must say, that his great success-which by the way
we do not for a moment grudge-has turned his brain. The opening
part ofhis article is only the raving of a disturbed imagination, and
he is now in the padded room always contiguous to our editorial
sanctum, amusing himself by taking away his own hat in payment for
an imaginary dish of cutlets. We will give five shillings and a new
hat to any one who wil fetch him home.-'

WE had foolishly imagined the lowest depths of insane burlesque
had long ago been reached, until, on a recent visit to the Adelphi
Theatre, we discovered-thanks to M,. CHARILES SMITH CHeLTNAMK-
there was yet a deeper still, which had been unearthed and dressed up
in the interest of the British public. We cannot for a moment believe
that Leat/herlungos has beenwritten orproducedforany otherpurpse than
that of giving a stern lesson against the growth of the illegitimate
drama; and, speaking from experience, one dose of the new medicine
will, we think, be found more than sufficient. With all respect for
Ma. CHELTNAA, we must admit that we never until now gave him
credit for the awful cleverness which has enabled him to produce a
burlesque which bur'esques nothing, which teems with jokes not in
the least jocular, and which abounds with puns of the most poverty-
stricken proportion. We cannot for a moment imagine that L:ather-
lungos is intended to be burlesque to anything o her than the drunken
helot was to the Spirtan child-what temperance lecturers nowadays
call a fearful example-or we -should be inclined to recommend tqe
author, on the next occasion he has finished a skeleton structure, to
hand it over fur completion to someone who can- write a little. By
this means MaR. CaaTNAm may avoid commencing as he does now, with
a piracy in his very tit'e from a well-known epigram of HOOD'S.
WE hope we do not deserve to be kicked for a breach of manners, if
we relate how plea-ant a day was spent last week by a rather nume-
rous party of ltterateurs and journalists at the residence of SHBerIF
Sia JoHn BsNEsTT, The Mounts, Robertsbridge. The morning was
gloriously fine, and the visitors cleared their lungs of the London fog
and smoke amid acres of hops and miles of roses, and enjoyed the
beauty of the surrounding country. Among the company were the
nephew of the MIKADO, and several distinguished Japanese visitors. An
excellent luncheon was laid in a marquee on the lawn in front of the
Elizabethan mansion, and at its conclusion a f w toasts were given and
responded to with a spirit, which a smart downfall of rain failed signally
to damp. The maj, rity of the party left the Mounts in a capacious
waggonette in time to catch the last train, and gave a parting cheer for
their host, and LADY BENNETT, whose courtesy and consideration had
added much to the enjoyment of all.

They manage these things better.
THE American papers complain because a man was recently
discharged from Rhode Island Penitentiary (it having been found he
was innocent of crime for which he was imprisoned), and only
received two hundred dollars as compensation for eight years' detention.
We do things better over here. We should not have insulted him by
the offer of such insufficient compensation. We should have given
him nothing! Except a free pardon-for a crime he had not committed.

AITsfen.s to &amSyanmis,

[ We cannot return unaccepted AfS. or Sketches, unless s they are accom-
paniesd by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do, not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
R rn.-As we were not the offender, allow us to decline a perusal of
the castigation. Our time is much occupied, and under any circumstances
we could not go into the question. *
Quans.--" Will we look over the enclosed ?" It is a crime we can-
not look over-and from a Friend, too!
W. P. J.-If you do "follow up that scrap another week you will find
yourself in the waste paper basket.
TRuNTDE.-We don't like thunder when it only chirps. Reach us
down some of the usual growling stuff.
PEN.-We should consider you the pen-ultimate.
KEwaiosrrY.-Dr. Hooker will not fall a victim to Ayrton and his Kew-
Klux Clan, and therefore there is no need for the lines.
AiL-A mru.-You want a cheque for that ponderous old joke! Learn
that our rate of payment is not like that of the Post office, regulated by
BTOLWBarrs.-You're talking nonsense. After all the Lady of Lions
very properly got Clawed.
ENeQmRsn.-We make point of paying for MSS. that we use. But so
many MSS. sent us do not pay!
EvAN J.-The conundrums are not what you call "boni fide." They
are boned entirely. The verses are original-even eccentric.
-, Kingsland.-Go to Bethnal Green.
Declined with thanks:-- Corpus; -, Chester; T. R., Glasgow; Molly;
Rollo; 3. B., Wells-street; T., Hammersmith; Stamps; L. J, Aeton;
W. H., Kensington ;p-, Brighton; J. D., Glasgow; Signs of the Times;
D. (Ex-Canadian); D. S&, Brixton; Ole Clo'; Binks; D. D.; X. Y. Z.; F.,
Kingsland-road; Q in a Corner;S. W.; A. Postman's Grievance; Volun-
teer; H. B., Chippenham; Querist; F., Wimbledon; Titi Faalw; G.,
Tottenham-court-road; Infelix; Z.; Poll Parrot; Communist; L,
Twickenham; Froze-out; Truepenny p Cogging Greek; K. R.; W. W.
Beckenham.;. -, Wandsworth:; F. it S.; QualityL: Bedding-out; 0.,

JuLY 27, 1872.T

FUiNS. [JuY 27, 1872.
/ ~t,! ,. ,~~~~rlll~Bi S

SBigleton:-" YEs, AH, YES ; I THINK PERHAPS IF I WERE TO SING ONE OF MY COMIC SONGS (with a snigger) IT MIGHT keep them going

Cook's Excursionist is full of the most agreeable sketches of tours,
suited to all pockets and all holidays, from a run to Alton Towers to a
trip to Jerusalem. We can bear personal testimony to the excellence
of MR. COOK'S system, having recently shipped seven unprotected-
females for the Continent with his tickets and coupons, which they
inform us are better than passports, and ensure them civility, kindness,
and attention, wherever they go.
The Ladies appears to be a desirable and useful periodical. It ap-
peals to women who, while not entirely neglecting patterns for work,
have souls with higher aspirations than tatting sham Brus-els lace.
The monthly part of the Illustrated Penny Paper carries us well
along with the moving story of The Broken Ring," by the Editor.
We have received Loose Leaves, a periodical published (printed and
we believe written for the most part) at Chur.h Stretton Asylum
every month-we presume at full moon. To judge from this sample,
the confined lunatics contribute better things to their magazine than
many idiots at large do to general periodical literature. A ballad en-
titled "Buffer and Blazes," by E.H.P., is simple and touching.

Is Recommended to those who wish to restore gray hair to its natural colour.
Is Recommended to those who wi-h to prevent their hair frona falling off.
Is Recommended to those who wish to prevent their hair from turning gray.
Is Recommended to those who wi-h a pleasant and fragrant poLrade.
Is Recommended to those who vish a per fectly harmless preparation simply
for dressing the hair.
Is Recommended to all, from the nursery to old age, prodding the effects
require, d by Hair testorers and theluxury of a Pomade.
Manufactured only by
Wholesal and Export Perfumers. 40, STRAND, LONDON.
For sale everywhere at 3s. 6d. and 7s per bottle.

Received:-Colburn's New Monthly; The Sunday at Home; The
Leisure Hour; Golden Hours; The Ladies; The Young Ladies' Journal;
The Gentleman's Journal; The Hawthorn.

Nore Taxes.
IT is stated by a contemporary thit a tax on domestic servants is to
be introduced into France. Well may the unhappy country complain
of the ruin brought upon it! This is indeed the last straw, and of
mammoth growth. Let us hope M -. LOWE will not take the hint and
propose a similar impost! It would be paintmn the lily and gild.ng
the refined gold, to tax us for servants who already tax our patience so

Literary Note.
WE are indebted to an able contemporary for the following infor-
The autumn Play at Drury Lane is to be founded an The Lady of the Lake "
by Mr. Andrew Halliday.
We are grateful! We have Iways labored under the clearly
erroneous impression that The Lt dy of the Lake was by SIR WALTER
SCOTT. We shall know better in future.

Made only by
For sale everywhere at 2s., 2s. 6d., 3s. 6d., aud 6s. per bottle.

Pruned by JUDD & CO., Phoeni Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : July 27, 18';.

AUGUST 3, 1872.]


Glad to hear you are going for a holiday, but
shall expect copy as usual.-Extract from Editor's
MoEN will arise
Like orient flies,
That moonlight emeralds meet;
The nightingale's twitter
Shall quiver and flitter,
And percolate through the street.
Stars shall burn blue,
And transmeate through
The purple being of bards;
And beetles shall wake
In the nascent lake,
And rattle their jubilant shards.
Thunders shall gleam,
And the night-winds dream,
And comets shall carol like snails ;
And the wild cascades,
And their plantigrades,
Shall waltz with the morning mails.
But never a sound,
Well-tempered and ground,
Shall slip through our finger tips;
But To-morrow shall lay
Its hands on To-day,
Discounting a fierce eclipse!
With a whoop halloo,
Shall the raucous dew
Go hunting the lark from the fallow,
And the simpering owl,
Like a sensible fowl,
Shall batten on wild marsh-mallow.
What does this mean ? "
Why, you ought to have been
Better instructed, you see,
Than to ask for rhymes
In these holiday time
From an overworked ass like me!


A SOMEWHAT novel entertainment has just been produced in the St.
James's great Hall, with an evident remunerative prospect. The Royal
Marionettes, who we are told ran for four years in Dublin, and thfn
performed for three hundred nights in Liverpool, have naturally
expressed a wish for change of scene, and their manager, treasurer,
and Prompter, MR. W. G. BULLOCK, has therefore taken the large hall
in Piccadilly, wherein his prote6ges may for a limited number of
nights amuse a metropolitan audience. A temporary stage occupies
about a third of the hall, and on it the puppets, to the intense delight
of the juveniles present, and to the no small satisfaction of their elders,
go through all kinds of clever mimicries ; tight-rope dan d stilt
walking and jigging being among tt e smalles-of their performances.
Then comes a regular dramatic representation, entitled Little Red
Riding Rood, in which the marionettes play their parts so well, that it
would be a decided advantage if some of our leading burlesque actors
and jounes premiers would step in and take a lesson. One drawback
to the complete success of the venture has, however, an existence the
size of the hall being far too great for the power of the voices
supposed to convey the dialogue.
In a smaller division of the same building the MOORnE and BURGESS
Minstrels are as firmly ensconced and as successful as ever, and as
they have discarded a great portion of their old programme with
their old title, they appear less than ever likely to perform out of
London. No matter how the weather may be-in season and out of
season-Ms. G. W. MOORE has always a full house to encourage him
in his frantic jokes; and MR. HUGH DOUGHERTY-who by the way is
the best stumper" we ever beard-finds no lack of sympathies with
his sentiments. A comic sketch entitled Gripsack is productive of
much laughter, and among the ballads, MR. BEAUMONT REED'S
"Dreaming, still dreaming '" is the success of the evening.

Jenkins and the Claimant.
An item of provincial news is to the effect that as "the Claimant"
passed through Gloucester he was presented by a MR. JENKINS with a
bottle of corn-solvent. Holders of Tichborne Bonds will be glad to
hear that there is something solvent about him!

My Eye, and "-Ellen-" Martin."
ELLEN MARTIN has been sent to prison for knocking down her old
father, and casting a great weight of crockery upon him. She had
previously seized a carving knife, and threatened to "rip him up from
top to boto bottom." For the offence first mentioned she has been pun-
ished by the law; it would be unbecoming in the Press to add a
reprimand. But for that violent and unnatural threat, we feel that we
must express the strongest condemnation. Words are inadequate to
convey a sense of our disapprobation. "ip him up from top top to
bottom !" How could she? the jade! The thing is impossible.

Flints and Glass-houses.
THE -Parochial Critic describes a funny affair which took place in
connection with the Bethnal Green Workhouse. The master had
been accused of accepting a present of poultry from one of the con-
tractors, and the Guardians who were'directed by the Local Govern-
ment Board to reprove him, had it appears helped to consume the
fatal fowls. Ma. FLINT, one of the Guardians while pointing out
this fowl participation said "he remembered on one occasion there
was a turkey on the table," but on being pressed on the point
admitted that he himself had partaken of it. His excuse was that
" there was no helping it." If the turkey was so tough that there
was no helping it, we don't wonder at the Guardians taking the
matter up seriously.

To Young Men!
SOMEWHERE in New York the ladies-unmarried, of course- have
established a "Society for the Encouragement of Young Men desirous
to Marry." Well, if each girl can't encourage a young man by
herself, there is no strong reason why such a society should not be
founded. But it will not last long! The members will fall out, from
envy of the superior advantages that must fall to the lot of the Chair-
maness or Prebidentrix, or whatever may be the ridiculous name the
girl in chief will assume. And then again;-the moment the she-
manager has encouraged a young man to her own complete satis-
faction, there will be a vacancy in the management!



45 I


.FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 31 1872;
WHEN dining a restaurant at,
Take with you a shocking bad hat:-
There's an excellent reason falls pat.
And I'll tell it you (verbvm sap. sat !)-
To give for a plat (or a plat)
An excellent tile, would be flat:
The converse of giving a sprat
To catch a huge whale, like a vat;
While a bad four-and-nine's tit for tat,
In exchange for a salmi of rat,
Or a portion of civet de cat,
Or for dishes with lumps of cold fat;
So remember that Fashion rules one thing- and that
Is to take out to dinner your very worst hat.

I rPOTrST I despise a man whose soul is not above a pun. 'Tis a
pestilent habit that destroys all witty conversation. And yet at times
there's no helping it. Said my friend Mc. F oNGus to me the other
day, "It's plaguy hot- enough to cook a man! "Egad, it shall
coox me !" said I, and away I went to procure tickets at the Excur-
sionist Office in Fleet Street.
I am but a mortal at the best, but give me-give me, say I, oh,
dispenser of tickets and coupons, wherewithal to be whisked away by
the rapid London and Brighton to Newhaven, thence to proceed to
Dieppe., "It is the Brighton of France," said OBUNGUS, who aims at
being an epigrammatist. You libel Dieppe when you say so, said
I, for upon my word, save in the matter of smells, which curiously
survive a constant water-service, it is a town the like of which one
does not see in England.
I hate a digression-especiallywhten my mind is full of the excellence
of the rapid train service to Newhaven. Nevertheless I cannot for
the life of me help asking you, my dear YORICK, if you are very mar-
ried, and whether (if so, alas !) your wife has an endearing appellative.
If so, I hope it is not like Pillikin. That's what my wife calls
me, and though well enough in private life, it is derogatory to
dignity and inimical to sentiment under certain circumstances of
publicity. For instance, suppose while you are hurrying on ahead to
secure her a berth on the boat, your wife elects o trip over the
"rakes "-'tis a theatrical term, but let it pass for want of a better-
on the railway wharf-and falls flat on her face, shrieking to
PILLIKIN !" for aid, is it not better to pretendto be someone else ? I
think so I
If ever, friend YoIeaK, you get a holiday for a run from Newhaven,
may it be your lot to ship with CAPTAIN FRASER, and if so abjure stuffy
cabins, an' you love me, and walk the bridge with the jolliest skipper
afloat. It is better to see the moon sink and the dawn widen
till the sun jumps up, than to lie on a bench like a dissecting table
and hear forty passengers snoring like one-no! not like one, for then
you might snatch a nap in the intervals.
DIEPPE Into the harbour through the narrow passage with its
crucifixes on either side. An irreverent kite has left its tail to
decorate one of them !
I wonder whether the young-backslider who left the long tail of
his kite fluttering on one of the tall crucifixes at the mouth of the
harbour has been excommunicated! I should box his ears myself if I
knew him.
There has been a dreadful rumour in the boat that they are very
strict at the Douanerie at Dieppe. At any rate they deal gently with
us this time. They open the box I have charge of, find the tray full
of feminine apparel- lift it, and finding more feminine apparel, pass it
with a smile; the proprietrix all the while talking to them in English.
She is under a strong impression that if you talk English to a French-
man long enough he will at last understand. It might be so; if the
experiment were carried out to its bitter end!
To the Hotel Victoria! Certainly; 'tis clean and reasonable, is
handily situate between boat and rail; so we will place ourselves
under the motherly wing of MADAME GUIBON, who understands and
talks English. I begin to see symptoms that if my someone cannot let off
a little superfluous talk there will be an explosion!
One's first revisiting of a foreign town is always like a dream! 'Tis
some compensation for being married to think one's wife can assure
him it is a reality by a domestic pinch.
I observe, the sparrows-I always thought the sparrow was a
cockney-talk French. I cried "get out" to one to-day and he took

[AuGusT 3, 1872.

no notice, but the moment I said va-t-en, petit cochon! he was off-
like a bird. At the same time I may observe that the dogs all
scratch themselves in English, exactly like our own curs.
And are they not curs About fourteen parts Pomeranian, to six of
any other breed under the sun: and what makes it. worse the ill-bred
wretches are ill-bred enough to enjoy the joke. I see dozens of
Frenchmen leading about dogs in strings- not with a view to a stone
and a horsepond, as would be the case with such animals among us
humane Britons-but with the pride of an owner escorting a quadru-
pedal triumph. One dog-there was a little bull-terrier in him, which
may excuse it-actually winked at me as he towed his'owner past.
1 think I see what the English Citizen would do if he saw the
pavement-" public property, sir, by gad! "--invaded by chairs and
tables, as it was in front of the cafd where I smoked my weed this
evening.. The republican Frenchman stepped into the gutter with a
pleasant smile, and went his way. I can't think I see the landlady of any
such placein Englanddoing anything butcallawaiter, where as the suave
lady who presides at the Cafe Suisse, ran to a new arrival, popped a foot-
stool before madame, and whipt a journal into monsieur's hand before
they were fairly seated. They manage these things better in France, as
was observed by one who is only saved from being a plagiarist by the
fact that he died before I was born.
It is sad, as you say, beloved SMELFruNGas, that the French are an
immoral people-because I see it leads to this awful spectacle; viz.
that one sees abig bearded man of forty, in his blouse,trotting aboutwith
his mother, in a white cap, on his arm, or perhaps his daughter-if she
is old enough to reach his arm; if not she takes his hand. It also
exhibits these mere work-folk taking off their hats to each other and
each other's wives, as if they were swells in Hyde Park! This is indeed
But I must wind up my unsentimental notes at this point, because I
want the rest of the sheet of paper, for a note to the Editor. I wish
to suggest to him that an advance of several years' salary would be a
tasteful recognition of my past service. At the same time, in order to
show that I, too, can make sacrifices, I will take out all my vacations
for those years at once, in order to balance matters

To QUIET BABY.-Steer to windward of Soothing Syrup, as you
have seen men avoid the deadly Upas tree. Procure. Procure a towel of the
exact longitude of the child to be quieted. Fold twice lengthwise,
and once laterally. (The towel may be crash.) Insert a string in the
middle, sufficiently long to hang from the bows of the bassinette to
within an inch of the innocent's nose. Saturate the towel with
chloroform, and suspend as indicated.
To BEAT AN EGG.-Procure a smooth plank, which set up, at an
inclination of thirty degrees. Seat yourself at the top, holding on
tight, and having under your hand the egg; which you have previ-
ously coated with soft pitch. The egg should also rest lightly upon
the plank. Let go all! You will get to the bottom first, and the egg
will be ignominiously beaten.
To MAKE WATER-PIPE.-Take a long hole of the required size, cut
it up into convenient lengths, and smear it with molasses. Roll it in a
bed of dry sand. This will form the core, and it may then be wound
with clay to the desired thickness, and baked in a Parliamentary
To P.RsERvE YOUn FumniTnU -Plaster it with a compound of
flour and tar, which must be kept moist. After people have learned
your process, the wear and tear of the furniture will be so small as to
be practically ridiculous.
the carpets to loaf about where the sun has a habit of coming.

A Frightful Suggestion.
THEY are growing a new kind of grape in America. The Editor
of the Am4erican saj s:-
The skins are useful for umbrella covers.
We hope no time will be lost in introducing into England a fruit
which would be found so peculiarly fitted for our climate in summer.

But me no buts!
Inow shipbuilding will probably lead to the gradual extinction o
our old nautical phraseology-some day we expect to hear the bow of
a ram termed her butt-end.

Birds of another Feather.
THE bold "White Cliffs of Albion are an Englishmen's pride :-
the reverse must be said of the blue rocks of Hurlingham-happily
hid away in an obscure corner,

AUGUST 3, 1872.]



A .MAN staggering wearily through'the streets of Persepolis,-under
&a.J heavy burden, said to himself:
I-wish I knew what this things Ihave on my back; then Icould
r-give.some sort-of conjecture as to what I design doing with it."'
itSuppose,".said the burden, "I were a man, in a sack; what dis-
-'position would .you make of me ?" '
"The regular thing," replied the man, would be to take you over
-to'Constantinople, and pitch you into the Bospborus ; but I should
*,'ptobablyeontent-myself with laying you down and jumping -on you,
mas-being moremagreeable to my feelings, and quite as efficacious."
1 "But suppose," continued the burden, I were a shoulder of beef
-...which I quiteaas much resemble-belonging to some poor family."
"JUIthatemase," replied the man, promptly, I should carry you to
-.imyslarder, my; good fellow."
S"But if I were a sackof-gold, do you think-youmwould find me very
cronerous ? saidd the harden.
Great deal would depend,"' was-the:answer, upon-whom you
happened to belong to; but I may say, generally, that gold. upon the
shoulders is wonderfully light' considering .the weight of it."
," Behold," .said the burden, "the folly of mankind; they cannot
,perceive that the:quatity of the burdens of life is amatter;of no im-
..portance. The question of pounds and ounces isAthe only considera-
tion of any real weight."
This fable ought to have been made to-teach.thaWthis is true only of
involuntary burdens.
^'-a^.rtr^TiH-^^ ^^^-t^^'^^S"-- /S

Two thieves went into a farmer's granary and stole a sack of kitchen
vegetables; and,,one of them slinging it across his shoulders, they
began to run away. In a moment all the domestic animals and barn-
yard fowls about the place were at their heels, in high clamour, which
threatened to bring the farmer down upon them with his dogs.
"You have no idea how the weight of this sack assists me in
escaping, by increasing my momentum," said the one who carried the
plunder; "suppose you take it."
Ah!" returned the other, who had been zealously pointing out
the way to safety, and keeping foremost therein, it is interesting to
observe how a common danger makes people confiding. You have a
thousand times said that I could not be trusted with valuable booty.
It is a humiliating confession, but I am myself convinced that if I
should assume that sack, .and the impetus it confers, you could not
depend upon your dividend."

A common danger," was the reply seems to stimulate conviction,
as well as confidence."
"Very -felY,uissented the other, drily; "I am quite too busy to
enter intoiithese: subtleties. You will find the subject verypably
treated in thd Zend-Avesta."
But the bastinado taught them more in a minute than they would
have gleaned from that excellent work in a fortnight.
If they could only.have had the privilege of reading this fable,: it
would have taught.them more than either.
A river seeing a zephyr.earrying off an anchor, asked him, "' What
are you going to.do with it? "
I give it ap,"rreplied the zephyr, after mature reflection.
"Blow me if 1-would'!".continued the river; "you might justlas
well not have takenit atCall."
Between you and me,"' returned the zephyr, "I only picked it-up
because it iscoustomary for zephyrs to do such things. But if you
don't mind 'I will, esrry:it up to.your head and drop it in your
This fableteaches such a:multitude of good things that it wouldibe
irnvidious to mention any.

'TwAs yesterday I-satme in
My hard poetic chair;
And long I sought, to woo and win,
A muse that wasn'! there;
I racked my unprolifiocbrain,,
Disconsolate and glum;
Awaiting ever and-agAin
A "flash that wouldn't come.
It agonised my soul to trace
Mly long array of-rhymes-
Invariably common-place,
And drivelling at times.
I said :-"A theme sublimetand grand
l..Must occupy my pen ;
My poet-pinions, ill expand
And rise triumphant then!
S' Now, ever since the world began,
T' he.striver forAthejbays
Has-mingled-withhis bifellaw-man
And-mArked -hislittle--ways,
And I will go and seek him out
In pleasure's gay .abode:
1 11 go and see whathe's-about,
And put him in an ode."
I went to groves of dazzling light,
To mark him when he fetes;
And piid, (if I remember right),
A shilling at the gates;
Perhaps the Bard was seen to dance-
And is the Bard to blame ?
And must the Bard again advance
The reasons why he came P
And if he sipped the grateful bowl,
And then desired to fight,
It's all because the Poet's soul
Is beautiful and bright,
And, if he loved to smile and sing,
Why who intends to go
A-stopping of him F-f'ihat's the thing
That I should like to know!
And what's it got to do with you
If Bards prefer to shout,
And ruthless myrmidons in blue
Agree to turn 'em out P
The Bard denies he made a row,
4nd had too much to drink-
Besides, he's got a headache now,
And doesn't want to think.

Suspended Animation.
THE French Journals hive a peculiar way of celebrating an anni-
versary which happens to be unpopular with the Government. and
therefore hazardous in the observance. On the anniversary of the
taking of the Bastille the Republique Franfaise suspended publication.
This may be called economical enthusiasm.

48 F UNT. [AUGUST 3, 1872.


MASSACRE of Innocents in the House, to allow of dispersion in time
for slaughter of grouse on the moors. = Edinburgh scavengers have
struck. A prospect of a nice scrape for Edinburgh! = They are
going to pull down Northumberland House. The Lion will migrate
to a congenial desert. We mean Leicester Square. = John Bright
receives a testimonial from the Potteries. Does this mean that'he has
been pottering about long enough? = A young lady has been
smuggled out of Jersey in a hamper. Of course this cr'ates a sensa-
tion! = Child at Birmingham said to have died-of eating a crab.
Inquest': doctor declares cause of death to be convulsions, not crab.
What a disappointment for that crab!

Hayti in the Shade.
ACCORDING to the latest accounts, Germany has been displaying
her love of annexation in a distant part of the globe :-
Hayti, having resisted what the Germans' consider certain just demands on be-
half of a merchant, has suffered the loss of two corvettes, which were captured, in
reprisal, by the German war ships Vireta and Gazelle.
Of course, classical people like the Germans will plead that the
element of discord was first introduced by (H)ate.

In a Marked Manner.
SHAKESPEARE may be quoted as an authority that vaccination dis-
plays one of the attributes of mercy-it blesses him that takes."

Whiskey in the Jar.
A CONTEMPORARY tries to teach a mozal lesson against whiskey. It
reports how-
A widow recently expiated with her life a taste for whiskey. While cleaning a
wine-merchant's office she drank from a bottle of carbolic acid, and died shortly
afterwards, alleging she thought the bottle contained whiskey.
This won't do anyhow! If the old gal had really possessed a taste
for whiskey she would not have mistaken carbolic acid for it I!

OuR excellent contemporary the Family Herald informs us that:-
The daily supply of water to London is now estimated at 107,00e,000 gallons.
This is hardly definite enough ;-does it mean, inclusive or exclusive of
the gallons of liquid sewage supplied by several of the so-called
A little Doubtful.
IT is reported that the Governor of Belfast in Maine, U.S., has
among his curiosities a grasshopper five inches in length, with a body
as big as a sparrow. In spite of its size we should call it a tiddy-
DON'T use bad language- or you'll catch no fish. The professional
fishermen of the river are a most provoking set of men,-they so
commonly, you see, work you up to a pitch."

FUNS.-AuGusT 3, 1872.


AUGUST 3, 1872.]


Coelum, Non Animam.
As in California the missionary seed of
Christianity produced only a feeble lassoing
of the aboriginal heathen, who was coaxed
up to the baptismal font at the tail of a
wild mustang; and asin Mexico the exotic
"bull-fight blooms with only a temperate
luxuriance of barbarity; so does the deadly
American free-fight, when transplanted to
the slime of the Nile, degenerate into the
comparatively innoxious scrimmage."
'one of these sprang up in Alexandria, the
other day, and though carefully cultivated
by gentlemen familiar with it in its native
wild-namely, the American Consul Gene-
ral, his Secretary, and three American
officers of high rank in the Khedive's
army-the fruit it bore was ridiculously
disproportionate to the skill and experience
of the gardeners. To drop our metaphor,
, nly one man was hurt; and he, it was
feared, would not die. This is disgraceful.
Had these five gentlemen "-swopped lead"
irL New York or San Francisco, at least
three of them would have -spread their
soles to the genial horizon. We are quite
serious in thinking these marksmen should
have remembered that American honour
was at stake.

War and Harmony.
THE Band of the Coldstreams, under
DAN GODFREY, threw a little cold water
on American notions. They proved to
the Bostonian Monster Concertists, that
music is a very superior thing to mere
noise. Let us hope our cousins may never
have to learn from the rest of the regiment
that blustering is not quite so good as

ii ITt5,


'K-P -
I, ,~

I~X~ hzJSY~Y

First Coster :-" GOT E'ER A BIT 0' CORD, MATE?"
ON us!"

THE uncomplimentaryremarkspassedupon me atthe conclusionof my
last contribution have caused great sorrow in the bosom of my family.
Not but that I can bear the poisoned shafts of malice with equanimity,
and not but that the charge of ebriety falls harmless except among
those who know me; but I cannot bear the imputation of falsehood,
nor can any of that numerous band who look to me as their pride
and the provider of their Sunday's dinner. Still, I regard it as a
joke, and as such will allow it to pass unchallenged.
I believe that I did not quite decide as to who should win the
Goodwood Stakes, owing to a slight indisposition which prevented my
applying myself to business, as I otherwise should have done; but
to make up for it, I have to offer you choice of two tips. The first
has been forwarded tome by the Sporting laureate and is as fo'lows:-
Merry it is in the good green wood,
When the mavis and merle are singing,
And merrier still at the green Goodwood,
When the saddling bell is ringing.
0 Annie Wood, you are no good,
And Paganini's string]
Will never hold the weight of gold
Required to break the ring.
But Shannon I know will the whole way go,
Though she'll have to give way to Finesse,
And though timid Kingcraft has delivered his shaft,
The Admiral goes by express.
There's plenty more of it, but as it's all like the foregoing I've
done a bit of editing on my own account. And now for the straight
There's a horse that will run on the glorious" Moor,
And carry the Stakes off he will, I am sure.
It isn't Survivor, for though he'll be second,
The judge will place Spennithorne first I have reckoned.
While my hand is in I may as well say a word or two about the Cup.
'Tis said that Musket's shot his bolt, and can no longer race,
I thought it was a certainty for him to get a place.
But in his absence there is one I never can forget,
'Tis the offspring of the Zephyr, who will pay his last year's
debt. AOsPruR.

Bah !
A SACRAMENTO journal gravely tells the following extraordinary
"A number of sheep on Patton's ranch, north of the American, were not sheared
last fall, and hence their fleece is very long. During the fall it got very dirty, and
probably grass and other seeds fell into it. At all events, since rain commenced to
fall, grass, with blades say two inches loLg, is growing luxuriantly out of the wool,
and the sheep travel about carrying their pasture es upon their backs. Any grass
which the, sheep itself cannot reach a friend is allowed to nibble, and he or she
reciprocates. We haven't seen the sheep ourselves."
We should say if that writer believes the story he needn't want to see
those sheep. The nearest looking-glass will present him with a view of
one of the greenest animals he ever beheld.

THIS advertisement from a contemporary makes our blood run cold!
W ANTED a good BODY HAND. Also good Trimmers.-Apply to Mdlle. Coffin,
Are the Resurrectionists themselves being resurrected ? We trust the
Police are on the alert.
[The author of the above is fortunately a bachelor or he would be
unfortunate enough to know that this is only a milliner's announce-
Aristotle and Teetotal.
IT has been suggested that the Father of Practical Philosophy was
himself addicted, though in wise fashion, to occasional imbibition.
Nor when reeling did the kingly reason utterly desert him, An
eminent scholar desires proof of this. Well, the peculiarity is noticed
(perhaps) in the epithet. Born at Stagira, was not ARISTOTLE
emphatically the Stagirite ? And he never on any recorded occasion
staggered wrong. N.B. We commend this to our Teetotal friends.

Horrors in High Life.
THE fashion, which has for some time past led ladies of the highest
rank to witness the slaughter of innocent pigeons at Hurliugham, has
resulted as we always predicted it would. The sex has become
hardened to bloodshed. Only last week a beloved and gracious
Princess-Marchioness attended at Wimbledon-so says a daily paper
-to "witness the shooting of her husband! And they have been
married but little more than a year!



FUN.AUT 3, 1872.

.z-~fl r-cr

You remember the Treatise on Whist I wrote in the middle of the
last century for my friend HanOLE. He turned out an ungrateful fellow,
and, in the end, used me shamefully but meeting him subsequently
(in company with Ma. WHISTLEre and the late DANIEL WEBSTER, of
whom MR. W. is a niece) on board a Mississippi steamer, I "had
him" at the noble games of Euchre and Draw-poker, and left him, at
last, completely "snagged," with nary red in his pocket, and nothing
to eat but alligators.
I was always a first-rate hand at games, both of chance and of skill.
I am "CAvENDISH," 1 was NIMROD," I am half "STONEHENGE." I
taught the" OLD SHEKARRY" to shoot and to draw the long bow. I have
beaten PAUL MOrPHY into a cocked hat at chess. Three times have I
broken the bank at Homburg, and twice at Baden Baden. I think
that I am pretty well known at the Newmarket and Doncaster Sub-
scription rooms. They rather dread G. V.'s batting at LoRD's I appre-
hend. I have been heard of at the Oval, I fancy. Aha!
The following are a few of the games in which I have been, from
my youth upward, a proficient. Croquet, piquet, bizique, lansquenet,
blind hockey, pyramids, bagatelle, singlestick, golf, nurr and spell,
tossing the caber, putting the stone, throwing the hammer, skinning
the lamb, thimblerig, hunting the wild buffalo, skating, swimming,
riding six'wild horses bare-backed at once, palming off old jokes on
the comic papers, (this is a very good game so long as you are not
found out; when you are detected you receive kicks instead of half-
pence), running a muck, swing the elephant, hide and seek, getting
up bubble companies, quarterstaff, change ringing, passing counter-
feit florins, 6cart6, and beggar my neighbour. With regard to my
savoir faire in legerdemain, the Kriegspiel, and the Royal Game of
Goose, I refer you to my fast ally and protgy,, Mr. W. CREMER junior,
of Regent-street. Still, if there be one game above another in which I
excel, in which I am pre-eminent and unrivalled, it is the noble game
of POLO.
I learnt it from my dear old chum 3IARCO POLO, of Venice, who
brought it with him from Crim Tartary.
And oft on Venice Aolo,
Have we played that game of.Polo,
And scampered for the goal-o,
Till o'er each play'r did roll-o,

To the bruising of his poll-o,
Till VAux at length left solo,*
Each rival out did bowl-o.
And crying out "sic volo !"
With all his noble soul-o,
Did win that game of Polo.
But this is no time for mine eyes in fine poetic frenzy to roll-o. I
have been down to Windsor to witness the game of Polo as attempted
by the officers of the Ninth Life Guards and the Royal Blue Lancers.
I mean the Life Guards and the Ninth Lancers. But the weather is
really-o so hot, that one scarcely knows what one's writing. I am
composing this in a sitz-bath. Ho! boy, a maddening wine cup here,
and mix it stiff. Soho! That will do. Maidens, your health. A-a-a-h!
Another flagon! Ha! WHISTLER, I looks towards you.
The gallant, but inexperienced warriors were making a complete
mess of the game-hitting each other's shins instead of the ball,
frantically cannoning against each other's ponies, and generally
showing their incompetency properly to carry out this truly glorious
sport. I watched them for a time from the recesses of the Historic
Oak, where my old ally HEiNXE the hunter, had invited me to take pot-
luck; but, at last the playing grow so clumsy, that I lost all patience.
HERNE," I said, briefly, "this kind of thing won't do. I must cut
Bully for you, replied HERNE.
In hoc momento" I resumed, these loafers must be made aware
of what hockey on horseback means. Give me a bumper of hock, and
hey for Polo."
HERINE handed me the intoxicating fluid. I drained a bumper of
Jesuitsgarten (VErXnRUZEN's best), followed by a flask of Johannis-
berger, and-
The fray was at its thickest. The ball was spinning round on its
axis in a sardonic manner. The merry brown hares came leaping,
and bit the hocks of the ponies. CORNET nD BOOTS, of theL. G's.,caught
a tremendous cropper," and wept bitterly. LIEUTENANT TkIBE, of the
Ninth L's. managed to get one foot out of his stirrup, and was imme-
diately put under arrest by the inflexible Colonel of the regiment
(N. B. This is the same LIETTENANT TaImE who, being found guilty of
setting the first problem in Euclid to the music of the spheres, was
sentenced by a court-martial to be sent to Coventry by the way of
Bath, Jericho, and Hong Kong. The sentence was not confirmed by
For the information of the Saturday Reviiw, the Colonel wishes us to state that
he is quoting Italian and not Latin.


H.R.H. the C-m-r-in-C-f ; but the ill-humorous Lieutenant was
severely reprimanded and warned not to be so awfully clever in future.
Which accounts for his mishap at Polo.)
At this moment (the foot and'the stirrup moment) a solitary horse-
man, armed with a hockey stick, large and long as "the mast of some
tall Admiral," might have been seen approaching the competitors.
There may be, perhaps, a slight solecism in describing the mounted
figure as a horseman, seeing that he rode a donkey. But I was that
cavalier, or rather asineer. My peaked hat was on my head, my pipe
was in my mouth, my match-box was at my belt, my foot was on my
native heath, and my name was GunDO.
A murmur rang through the throng. "'Tis the Colonel, bless his
eyes!" the gallant plungers cried.
Adsum," I answered. "I am O0. K. orl krekt,' and I'll
show you how to play hockey. Out of the way there! VAUX is
"One moment," LIEUTENANT T.-interposed. "Isn't your hockey-
stick rather above the regulation size ?"
"I'll tell you what it is, my youthful friend," I answered, affably,
"my opinion is that if your. friends don't look after- you you'll be
squaring the circle, or discovering aerial navigation some of these fine
mornings. It isn't a hockey-stick- at: all I'm going, to play with,
whackey. It's a AMaypole-o." With this I smote him playfully over
the mazzard, and tucking up my shirt-sleeves, gave my fiery steed the
spur (I had a torpedo charged with dynamite screwed into each
bootheel), and prepared for business.
In the course of seven minutes and-a-half I made two hundred and
seventeen goals. I hit CORNET DE BOOTS'S charger so severely that
the regimental surgeon was compelled to amputate all the animal's
legs;at the knee; but, nothing daunted, the courageous little brute-a
pure Shetland-continued, like WIDDRINGTON at Chevy-chase, to fight
upon-his stumps. I scattered dire confusion among the' L. -G.'s, and
made the L.'s wish that they had never been born. And at last,
victorious, but well nigh exhausted with fatigue, I pocketed the ball
as a trophy of triumph, and rode off, followed by the ringing cheers of
the brilliant assemblage, to Virginia Water, -where I took tea-with"
HEIRNE, the Hunter, Mt. WHISTLER, and.the Master of the Berks
A few concluding and-critical remarks.on the history of Polo.may
not ba.out of place. AsI have already informed you, it is an Oriental
game; introduced into Europe by MAnco POLO; although some declare
that it took its name from CARDINAL POLE, who brought it from
Hockeywowski, in Poland. The late LONG POLE WELLESLEY was a
capital Polo player, so was MR. PAULO, the well-known pantaloon.
In the East, the game goes by various names. Thus, in Affghanistan
it is known as Crackumshins," in the Punjab as Heeloverhead," in
Cashmere as Humblecumstumble," and in Nepaul as "Shindy-gaff."
Among the hill tribes, the ball, instead of being spherical, is of an
elongated and tubular form, convex at both ends, and resembling a
roly-poly pudding. When a wooden ball is not procurable, a live
hedgehog will do quite as well A sucking-pig or a baby will likewise
afford much sport, and the game is then known as "No child of
I have drawn up fiv goldenn rules, which I commend to the atten-
tion of all those who wish to become good Polo players.
1. Don't spare your pony. In addition to spurs, a three-pronged
fork inserted in the extremity of your hockey stick may prove service-
2.. If your pony falls under you, hit him with a life preserver (the
butt-end of a revolver will do as well) till he gets up again.
3 Always continue to hit something. A friend's legs will be none
the worse for a smart tap or two.
4. If anybody hits you, cry foul," and appeal to the Public Press
for redress.
5 and last. Don't be such a brainless, idle, vicious donkey as to waste
your time playing Polo at all.
But the heat of the weather un-nerves me, and I once more seek
sucoour from the maddening wine cup. More draughts, then, from
VFuKEUZEN's abundant store. Give me Geisenheimer, Rudesheimer,
Liebfraumilch, Assmanshauser, Imperial Tokay. Ha! what says
Simon the Cellarer ? The Colonel's'drank the hoc/i right out. Has he ?
Never mind! Bring me a goblet of Robur.
Bring then the Robur, the Robur, the Robur,
Bring then the Robur, the Spirit of the Tea,
Though very nice it is sure to keep you sober,
And thus will prevent:you from going on a spree.
Nice variation on "Prends done le sabre," isn't it ?
Yours apologetically,
P.S. Mr. COLAn, of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Animals, has just sent up his card. What' can the worthy gentle-
man want ? There can be no cruelty to animals in Polo. I pause for
a reply.

WITH fierce intent,
On bloodshed bent,
To slaughter many an innocent,
The grave M.P.s
Of all degrees
Are glad of tidings such as these.
1. A German says "ja,"
And a Briton says ah,"
When they to a statement assent;
But one nation, I guess,
When it wants to say yes"
Will a sibillant syllable vent.
2. In English lanes a pleasant shade
By lofty branching treesais made
Such umbrage, travellers declare,
Is never to be found elsewhere.
3. In your cake this to hold
Is pleasant, I opine,
But not for countless gold
Would I have this in mine.
4. Parks full, churches full, balls fall,
Theatres full-let's say all's full;
When it is done,
Off they all run,
The country of folks in the fall's fall.
5. DAmocLES on royal bed,
Feasting was pursuing;
Saw, on looking overhead,
What the sword was doing.
6. To thee, sweet Spanish fruit,
I pay a lover's suit-
And gladly pay;
Gloryto thee impute,
And touch my humble lute,
'Neath branches grey.
7. Nymph of the stream,
Your white feet's gleam
I see among the pebbles;
And I can hear
Your accents clear
Above the ripple's trebles.
SOLUTION OF AcRosTIC No. 280.-Glatton, Turrets: Gusset, Laurn,
Acicular, Tor, Timbre, Oast, Nucleus.
CORRECT SOLUTIO rs OF AcaOSTIC No. 280, received 24th July :-Hoptop ; Tittums.

[ We cannot -return unaccepted ISS1. or Skeiches, unless -they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold. ourselves,
responsible for loss.]
X. Y. Z. (Mincing-lane) writes-"Enclosed is original joke cheque,
will oblige," to which we would gently put a full stop, to teach him
Feces.- Yes! and green Figgs too!
G. G. (Greeneck).-We are in no lack of minor cannons just now.
I. O. K. (Haverstock Hill).-We have again and again stated that we
do not undertake in this department to serve out diluted omniscience in
our correspondents' own jugs. Nevertheless, we will oblige. To direct
a letter so as to attract the notice of Colonel Ponsoaby, the Queen's.:
Secretary," appears easy enough. Direct it, in gold letters, on a flame-
coloured envelope, to the care of the Emperor of China. If that doesn't
attract his notice, his powers of observation must have offered from the
C. (Sloane Square).-That will do! Our Office, by the way, is not in
the Strand, but Fleet Street.
S. (Ulverston).-Send a stamped and directed envelope, and repeat the-
question; and we will inform you.
VImtLtMrnsT.-Stamp forfeited, for non-attention to our rules.
Declined with thanks:-C. B. W.; D. L., Stoke-on-Trent: Nosey; F.
J. R., Stratford; B., Glasgow; S., Portmadoc; M. S.; G. V.; Ellen";
Wilks; W. R. S., Manchester; H. E. L., Argyle Square; G. B. T.; -.
Allea; G. D.,Berwick-on-Tweed; R. W., Bristol; L., Watford; W. W. J.;
Peter; W. M., Prince of Wales' Road; Chopstick; D., Kingsland Road;
Furiosus; Beef, Burton on-Trent; P. T.; W., Islington; Dizzy'un;
Scumble; -, West Brompton; First Fiddle; H. W.; L. M., Leeds; R.,
Liverpool; 'Ware Wit; 120th Day; S. S.; D. G., Manchester; Wil-
loughby Jones"; L. Brighton; W. J. A., Anerley; Flix; T. H.: W. F. L.;
Boiler; G., Wimbledon; P. P.; Eighty too; E., Lincoln; Volunteer;
L. C.; Vaccination; Westward Ho!

AUGUST 3, 1872.1.


FAUGuST 3. 1872.

- 7z- -- .
--~--jIF- N ?


Young lender, putting on his gloves-he always rows in kid gloves :-" LOVELY MORNING POR GOING ON THE WATER. WATER VERY

The Esence of Fan (80, Fleet Street). If our readers imagine that
we are about to praise this volume, they are not mistaken. To say
our modesty will not permit us to do so.would be simply absurd.
Modesty is but the concealment of excessive vanity, and that is not
our besetting sin. It is by a well-balanced mind, and a large share of
" self-reverence self-knowledge, self-control," that we are led to the
conclusion that this is the most marvellous shillingsworth of the age.
Which-as the bard has feelingly sung-nobody can deny I
MRs. EILOART has never written anything better than her new"
novel, Woman's Wrong (BENTLEY, New Burlington Street). She has
always been happy in drawing her characters and in her descriptions,
and this time she has hit upon an ingenious plot-or rather on a plot
involving a most interesting point. The story turns on the dilemma
in which the heroine is placed, who must either give up the guardian-
ship of her child, or deny that she is legally married, to keep the child
with her. How she decides, and what arises from and follows after
that decision, it is only fair to author and reader to leave the latter to
The perennial Mouldy," Laureate of Wimbledon, has just brought
out a new song, Salisbury Plain (HAaIuSON, Pall Mall), a comic rdsumd
of the disagreeables and drawbacks of the last autumn manoeuvres.

Alas, that circumstances have prevented us from hearing it sung in the
tents of the Vies this year!
We are glad to see that Erdwhea (TRuBEER, Paternoster Row) has
already reached a second edition.
MESSRS. SAMUEL BBOTHERS, of Ludgate Hill,have issued a startling
pamphlet, to illustrate their manufactures. They have chosen a galaxy
of distinguished folks, Princes, Peers, and Politicians. They have
taken their measures-taken their portraits-and, finally, taken their
lines! Such a work is a takir.g one indeed! But we fear the combina-
tion of fashions and figures may here and there militate against
certain styles. Who, for instance, would select the cut of coat
associated with the courteous Commissioner of Works, or the kind of
surtout linked with the abilities of the wise Home Secretary ?

A General Heading.
WE learn from a Wisconsin paper that Oskhosh in that state
Claims as a monstrosity a baby born without brains.
Here in England we can claim-not as monstrosities but ad common
objects of everyday life-lots of babies who were born without brains.
What is more, they have grownaup "as sich."

Printed by JUDD & CO.. Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dotors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietorl, at 80, Fleet-street, B.O.-London: August 3, 18e.




Some years ago
That HOOK the theme has writ on,
Why should not I,
In fresh rhymes, try
To sing The Swan at Ditton ?
Let swells resort
To Hampton Court,
To happy Hamp'on flit on,
Or higher go
Up-Thames ;-but, oh,
Give me The Swan at Dittor.
We held of late
Our wayz-goose file;
And our selection hit on,
A pleasant spot;-
You'll guess I wot,
That means The Swan at Di!on.
I like to dine,
And sip my wine,
And pass the jest, and wit, on,
To smoke a pipe
On Thames's ripe,"
Before The Swan at Ditton.
So here where HooK
His pleasure took,
The song will I transmit on
To bards who'll come,
When I am dumb,
To sing The Swan at Ditton.
Mine hostess' eyes,"
HooK used to prize,
Long since hath death alit on,
But still there's there
As bright a pair,
To grace The Swan at Ditton.
So let us quaff
Our shandygaff,-
Nor think life's cares a bit on ;
To eat and drink,
And smoke-not think-
We seek The Swan at Ditton.

Owner or Canine Individual:-" NOT A GOOD HbUSE-DOG, BECAUSE HE

THE ScLTAN has sent the EMPRESS .EUGENIR a sapphire, value tnree
thousand guineas. Wish he would show a similar sympathy with us
in our safferings. = The trial of Fisx's murderer results in discharge
of the Jury. They couldn't agree-no more did he and Fisx. = An-
nual motion for the Abolition of Capital Punishment lost. Will hang
over till next year. = More LIVINGSTONE letters in the style of
our special correspondent." We wish the story did not rest quite so
exclusively on the New York Herald and the Daily Telegraph. = The
French have come down splendidly for the loan. A-loan! they did
it." (Not SHAKESPEARE but near enough for most people's knowledge
of that playwright.) = Hops in Kent promise a splendid crop. Ale
(bitter ale) smiling morn! = Gentleman signals the guard on London
and Brighton Railway, in order to stop a ferocious fisticuff match-and
is prosecuted for it. Mem.-Communication with the guard is
intended "to be seen, and not heard." = Great meeting of the
London clocks, to move that strikes are getting so common, that it is
unadvisable to record the hour. = Teetotallers' Fete at the Crystal
Palace; no liquor sold at the bars." No need for it, they brought
quite enough with them, for all purposes of intoxication.

"When taken to be well shaken."
A GENTLEMAN from California, at present on a visit to England,
assures us that earthquakes are so common at San Francisco that even
the ragged urchins in the streets have shock heads!

By Gums!
WE are informed that during the past season the Italian coral fishery
has been very successful, and will realise about three million francs.
This is good news for the babies, and seems to promise a large crop of

Mm. POE possessed a raven,
Calling him-for rhyme's sake- shaven;
Also, calling him a "craven "-
That's a word that rankles.
On a bust it used to sit,
And declined to move, or flit;-
While my raven does-to-wit
Comes and nips my ankles.
Now that bird of MR. POE
Seemed one word alone to know,
Which became uncommon slow
After several verses.
"Nevermore was all, you see,
It remarked to MR. P.:-
While my raven oft says d,"
Joined with various curses.
But his raven could not claim
Any sort of christian name,
Like another known to fame-
You'll in DICKENS find it.
So I've christened my sad rip
With a name of fellowship-
But he doesn't mind it!

WE have received a copy of that extraordinary journal called the
Anti- Vaccinator. It strikes us as a strange fact that a publication
which advocates the non-repression of small pox should be published
by PIT-MAN !


AuOVST 10, 1872.]

56 F JUN. [AVGST 10, 1872.

1UN OPFICE, Wednesday, Aug. 7, 1872.

EaE for holidays you leave,
Word of warning pray receive-
Courtesy if still you lack,
When to business you come back,
I'll provide you with a sack!
A*ST*x A* T*N.

-HOOmKER's worthier far than you,
A*RT*N! A*rT*N !
We shall choose between the two,
And I fancy, do you know,
He will keep his Kew-and, oh,
You will get the cue to go!

No, said I, may Ibe whipt if I do! 'Twas on the question whether
I should go to Paris or no; and I had twenty good reasons .why I,
shouldn't. First of all ;-but I need not waste twenty lines on argu-
ments when one will suffice! Twentiethly, then,-'tis an elegant
word that, the. which, my dear YonICK, you might well preach an
extra lone sermon in order to introduce (only let not me be there to
hear)-20thly, then, I, didn't go, and if that be not full and sufficient
reason, you must imagine another for yourself.
If it were for nothing else than the scenery, the Newhaven and
Dieppe route is to be preferred to the others. 'Tis English- enough at
times, 'tis true ;-as if Nature had been an original dramatist, and
adapted Somerset and Devon from the French. But there's always a
passage here and. there-in the landscape, as in the play-which
betrays.thesource. But as you get nearer Rouen, the long lines of
poplars om the banks of the water-courses. are so, thoroughly French
that you feel the right of.translation is altogether reserved. '
One of the things-so. I have been told often-that they manage
better in France, is the cab service. Se be it, say I, too polite, after a
brief stay in that country, to contradict anybody flatly. And after
all 'tis the politeness that does it. Your French cabman, with his blue
coat and metal buttons, his red waistcoat, and his shiny hat, over-
charges you with a smile and a bow, and then asks for a pour-boire
beside, so civilly that it would be bearish not to submit to the
extoit'on with a good grace. Whereas our cabmen-but, no! I will
not join in the hackneyed (no joke intended) cry :-in the course of a
life spent, to a considerable extent in hansoms and other cabs, I have
seldom had a dispute or an incivility; but it is easy to give a poor dog
a bad name.
The Hotel d'Angleterre for me, I exclaimed, as I sat me down in
the open fly. Oui, Monsieur," said my driver, with a bow-they
always say that with a bow, if you speak English to them. When I
hired a fly at two francs an hour to take my bettermbst half to see
the churches, she would have fain have had him drive faster than the
rate of pay seemed to him to demand. Go on quicker," said she.
Oui, Madame," with a bow. "You are not driving a bit faster! "
Oui, Madame," with a bow. "Conf"-my dear, interposed I.
Confute my assertion if you can," said she, "but I assert you don't
quicken your pace! Oui, Madame," with another bow. Would it
not be better, think you -I again interposed- if you were to talk
French, or he were to understand English ?
I am but an indifferent Frenchman, myself; and you, my dear
YOiIcx, are better acquainted, I feel sure, with Greek and Hebrew
than the modern tongues:-"'Tis a way we have in the 'Varsity,"
quoth the poet. But 1 assure you there is much fun to be had out of
a companion who either can't or won't talk French. Eh, voild
M'sieu' cried mine hostess gratefully, as I entered the hotel, after a
brief absence, to snatch a cup of coffee and a weed, while Maxima pars
men was dozing in an upper chamber till a certain folk vacated a room
on a lower floor. Voila m'sieu'! echoed the threefilles. de ehambre,
assembled in congress around a lady, who was wringing her hands on
the first landing and asking plaintively for her "box." 'Tis an
unlucky word, that seems to mean only the British custom of sparring,
to French ears, for I noticed one chamber-maid was armed with a
broom, a second with a duster, and the third with no matter what, as
if expecting a fray.
What a truss of straw is to a drowning man, a phrase-book is to a
tourist feeble in foreign tongues. 'Tis an amulet-that is to say, it
is borne about piously, but never looked at. It is as well that it
should be so, for the man who looked under the heading "dialogue at
an inn" for anything he wanted, with the faintest hope of finding it,

must be an ass, over whom-great as is my sentimental sympathy
with the honest long-eared tribe-I would not waste a tear. Can
voulet me rooms on the first floor? "-" Have the goodness to send the
chamber-maid; "-" My boots are wet through; "- are sentences
translated into excellent French by the compiler -of the book ;-but
why the deuce did he not contemplate the possibility of one's wanting
some strong fingered person to uncord a box, for instance, or do a
thousand other things for which he gives no French equivalent.
But I haven't said a word about Rouen yet. I hate digressions, so
let us begin another chapter.
IV.-Rovra (continued).
Let us have a chamber that gives upon the. Quai. The river, and
the trees, and the asphalt whereon the. rank, fashion, and beauty of
the town may be seen promenading, are a pleasant outlook. It is true,
I admit, that the promenading continues till a late hour, and the
sitting under the trees for sweet conversations in a high key till a
later hour. It is also true that the carts begin to go by, with a
jingle of bells at an early hour. But if you cannot fatigue yourself
into oblivion of this by rambles about Rouen and the neighbour-
,hood,-'tis your fault, not mine !
An interruption, "TToo! too !" Soldiers ? Not at all. A luggage
train coming to discharge goods on the quai. But the horn ? Why,
look you, there's a man in a blouse, running before the engine, tooting
on his horn at intervals, and then rushing on ahead, as if it were not
over eighty in the shade! He is the very type of Conservatism,
:striving to blow his trumpet, and pretend to outstrip Progress. Too !
But after all, one hates the idea of progress here at Rouen, when
one sees how relentlessly that arch-radical Time has swallowed up the
pinnacles, and parapets, and gargoyles of the old churches there, St.
Vincent looks like the ornament off a bride-cake after the children
have had it for a plaything, 'tis so blackened and crumbled. But
don't be debarred from entering it for all that. It is a little casket
composed of painted glass of rare beauty. There is a processional
window by the south door that is simply exquisite. But what is this
against a pillar by the west entrance ?-a "plan for the restoration of
the church," and a box for "contributions for the restoration of
the windows." Not a sou- not a centime, say I. Where will you find
modern glass to repair the ravages that Time and the other sans cu lott, s
have made in the painted panes! And, for beauty's sake, let the old
structure crumble away by degrees, rather than efface it at one f-ll
swoop of restoration! But what can you expect of people who allow
that hideous, iron skeleton spire to roost on the cathedral tower! If
the Prussians had knocked that into space with their Krupp guns, I
could almost forgive them their occupation of Rouen.
Tootle turnm, tootle turn, tum! Prum, pa, pa! No it is not the
rail this time, but a couple of sturdy red-legged buglers, tootling in
front of the 24th Regiment. May I be black-holed for a month if the
twang of the bugles, monotonous though the march be, is not more
inspiring than the drums and fifes. And the. gallant fellows need
something inspiring, for yesterday I followed them to the exercise
ground in St., Sever, by the Railway station; and they were drilled
pretty continuously from six till ten! They are not set-up like our
fellows, but I fancy they bore the fatigue of that long parade all the
better for that.
But 'tis time I marched on. Yes, of course, I went to St. Ouen--a
far finer church than the cathedral- and to the big clock, and the
Palace of Justice, and the statue of JoAN or Asc--to say nothing of
the statues of CORNEILLP. and BOIELDIEU. "Do you know," said a
charming English lady, my neighbour at the table d'hote, I made
such a mistake yesterday. I said there was a statue of BOI.LEAU
before the hotel; and to-day I see it is BoIELD)IEU. Of course, they're
different?" "Yes," said I, "BoILEA was -an author- and-and
BoIELDIEU was a-a writer!" And, hang me, if I could make a finer
distinction at the moment; forgive me, shade of BOIEL:rEU, and send
not the ghost of la Dame Blanche to afflict me.
But 'tis time to pack up, thought I, balancing a slender purse.
'Tis ever a bad quarter of an hour, while one waits to see what the
bill will amount to. May its results, my dear YorIIcx, ever be as
reassuring as I found them-about half what I expected Fifteen
francs apiece per diem is r asonable enough in all conscience when
you have lived well, and without stint,-and (what is more) keeping
up certain British observances beyond d heu-ner and the table d'h6te.
Au revoir, Botel d'.Agleterre Au re'ir, madame et monsieur !
May we meet again erelong, HiNS,-and thanks to you all. A If.
gare but I prythee, cocher, as we have some minutes to spare, give me
the time to snatch a cup of coffee and ap'tit verre in the green recesses
of the Caft du Square.
A brief breathing-space at Dieppe, diversified by a regular ovrafar/,
that set tiles and chimney-pots flying, and tie French folk shrieking
and shouting, as they only can shriek and abshout; and then we .arc
agaig.on board the Orleans.

AuGVsT 10, 1872.] F TU iTi 57

Positively 'tis time to begone when one has made his second pun in
Frenih, as I did to the gargon at the cafr. I had made the first at -. -
Rouen when purchasing a cigar-holder. But as to tell it you properly.- -
I should have to ask you to come and smoke a weed with me, and you
are much too many folrnme to do so with comfort, I will e'en let it
C" 'est un asses bow oaleZmbourg--pour sa Anglais !" said the shop "
keeper. Then, said! I will go home to-morrow.
At daybreak we 'steam -out of the harbour, and are all too soon in
sight of Newhaveno. Alltoo soon, not merely because the tide won't -
serve at the bar jdist yetf btt"because the "resonant steam eagle" of
the fast London andlBrighton"'cRailway is going to whisk me back to
work. For there isgleOpersuading' editors to their own good, and my
proposal-an advaindwiot salary and accumulation of holidays-hasf' .
been treated with'iileitontempt',and there's nothing for it but to get
into harness again' -

Txa-tATErD FROsm. THE PagBi.N sBY DoinJrRGIam. ,
xvtr. --

AN: improvident 'man, who had quarreled with his wife con-
cerning household expenses, took her and the children out on the
law," intending to make 'an example of her. Putting himself in an
attitude of aggression, and turning to his offspring, he said :
"You will'observe, darlings, that domestic, offences are always
punished by a loss of blood. Make a note of this and be wise."
He had no sooner spoken than a starving musquito settled upon his
nose, and began to assist in, enforcing the lesson.
"My officious friend," said the man, "when I require illustrations
from the fowls of the air you may command my patronage. The deep
interest you take in my affairs is, at present, a trifle annoying."
I do not find it so," the musquitto would have replied had he been
at leisure and am convinced that our respective points of view are
so widely dissimilar as not to afford the faintest hope of reconciling
our opinions upon collateral points. Let us be thankful that upon the
main question of bloodletting we perfectly agree."
When the bird had concluded, the man's convictions were quite
unaltered, but he was too weak to resume the discussion; and although
blood is thicker than water, the children were constrained to confess
that the stranger had the best of it.
This fable teaches.
A defeated'warrior snatched up his aged father, and slinging him
across his shoulders, plunged into the wilderness, followed by the
weary remnant of his beaten army. The old gentleman liked it.
See said he, triumphantly, to the flying legion; "did you' ever
hear of so dutiful and accommodating a son ? And he's as easy under
the saddle as an old family horse "
I rather think," replied the broken and disordered battalion, with
a grin, "that MR. 3NEssAs once did something of this kind. Only his
father had thoughtfully taken an armful of lares and penates; and
the accommodating nature of his son was, therefore, more conspicuous.
If I might venture to suggest that you take up my shield and
scimitar --- '
Thank you," said the aged party, I could not think of dis-
arming the military; but if you would just hand me up one of the

heaviest of those dead branche,'I think thwmerits-of my son would be
rendered' sufficiently apparent."
The routed' olumn passed him opy 'the' one shown. in the immediate
fore ground-of our sketch, anditwawquite enough for both steed and.,
.Fd&sla-stendit that History repeats itself, with variations,

ABOUT labour -and wages,
A conflict thder rages,
And Capitals brought to disbursal;
And before we have done,
The quartrt=will run
To a limit, almostauniversal.
1. When nightingales gurgle.
And niit'.' full of beauty ;.
Come, come, let us burgle."
And bear-off the booty;,'.
2. This plant so little profit yields, -
We it plant in our neighbour's fields!"
3. Hop, skip, and jump,
OCMA came-plump,-
Over the brook, never caring a dump!
4. If you are wise you'll frown on it,
Nor let the sun go down on it.
5. A peddler here I recognize,
Of corn, provisions, merchandise:-
Slang puts-him down as one who lies.
6. The mother of poetry, famed for her Runes;
With sophies and ologies all set to tunes.'
7. I1 dwell on wax, I live on ice;
Harmless, yet noted for device.
SouTroN or AcaRosTIc No. 281.- .Portion, Cutlets ; Panoreatio,
Oahu, Ricochet, Twill, Insouciance, Oubit, Nimbus.
CORRECT SOLUvTIONS OF ACROrTIC No. 281, received 31st July:-None correct.

From. an Af-freighted One.
THE Midland Railway Company have advanced .the coal freight
from Derbyshire to London to 7s. 3d. per ton-It is to be feared -that..
this freight may develop into a panic.

A LAD at Greenock killed himself with an extra dose of very strong
whiskey at Greenock fair. This sort of whiskey-drinking is a very
Green-ockupation for a lad!

An Excellent Strike.
THE undertakers' men have struck. All right! We'll be hanged
if we will have our funeral shorn of mutes, so we'll put it off- for
ever, if they like!


[AUGUST 10, 1872.

Young Hodge:-" THUR BEAN'T NO ROAD HE-UR!" Trespasser -" AH, so I SE :-BUT I WASN'T LOOKING KOR ONE.'

BELIEVE me I am so sick and weary of my constant triumphal tips,
and the envy and malice of certain persons attendant thereon, to say
nothing of the fact that I can see another man wearing a beautiful
new demi-hunter which I feel sure was sent to me by a grateful
backer, that I think I shall retire on my well earnt laurels and take a
public house, where I shall be glad if'all my old friends and patrons
will give me a call. But it is as well not to hide such a light as mine
under a bushel, so I will just quote my lines from last number:-
There's a horse that will run on the glorious Moor,"
And carry the Stakes off he will, I am sure,
It isn't Survivor, for though he'll be second,
The judge will place Spennithorne first I have reckoned.
I presume it is superfluous to add that Spennithorne won, as I
predicted. While I am about it, I may as well call attention to my
Cup selection, also a winner:-
'Tis said that Musket's shot his bolt, and can no longer race,
I thought it was a certainty for him to get a place.
But in his absence there is one I never can forget,
'Tis the offspring of the Zephyr, who will pay his last year's debt.

Broken French.
THE columns of the De'bats stand out brilliantly in the ranks of
French journalism-let us wish France, less absinthe, and-more Le-

A Terrible Woman.
THE Massachusetts Census for 1870, among other remarkable facts,
records the existence of a woman, who was married for the fourth
time in her twenty-fifth year. If she goes on at that rate for a few
more years, she will cause a serious diminution of the male population.
We suspect her-and very strongly-of being one of the secret sup-
porters and propagandists of Woman's Rights; since out of the
four who married her, only one Man's Left.

Testina lente !
A PELLow can sometimes repent too rapidly to do himself good. A
man at Chicago, who is worth a quarter of a million of dollars, and
employs a hundred and fifty work-people was fined fifty dollars the
other day for stealing a case of bitters while he was drunk. He
ought to have been satisfied with his drink for the day, and should
have left his bitter" repentance till the following morning.

"Shut the door in the doctor's nose."
THE Northern Ensign records the death of a veteran, aged one hun-
dred and five years. It adds:-
The old man retained his faculties to the last."
We doubt the statement with regard to one Faculty. Had he retained
a member of that, he would have been physicked into another world
long ago!

F Ii ]N.-AUGUST 10, 1872.




,AUGUST 10, 1872.) F U N 61

SHED me some drops of ink!
Broach me a flask of wine-
Surely a man needs,somewhat to drink, -
Could wine be better expended '
Now-when my holiday's ended?
One more year on the mill, I i-
Twelve months more at the pen, a o
Ere I of respite again have my fill-
Idlerdays-nine or ten!
Time's rapid flight seems suspended, -or- c -
Now t ohat my holiday's ended!
Swift-as a swallow's wing,
Short-as a winter's aday,- -
Such are the pleasures ,ur holidays bring,
Slipping so quickly away ;
Scarce is its worth. comprehended
When-lo! the holiday's ended!
Well, the respite was brief-
Yet sufficient its length,
If it.bas brought to the brain relief,
Giving the nerves new strength;
Still by its boons you re attended
E'en when the holiday's ended.
Man is appointed to.toil ; lh p m p T .
Life like a shuttle is cast;
Pleasure and labour, the gem and the foil
Heav'n counts its jewels at last,
So, be sweet Patience commended
Now--when my holiday's .ended -----
Aye! But the sting of it's here,
Just as I'mbackiinto harness, NOT ROWING JN THE SAME BOAT.
Others are off to sea, mountain, and mere, Captain George to his fair Angelique :-" Aw! D'YOU xnow I SHOULDN 'T W.ONDAW IF
Places made fairer by farness! ......
Now that my,holiday's ended! [Good thing for the Captain the fellqe is deaf.

DISPENSING WITH AN EDITOR. back all the sooner for that. And now (concluded this envoy extra-
ordinary, insincerely I apprehend) perhaps you think the family
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. honour requires that I should take this writing round to some more
Srs,-I have just been discharged from a cannon-I don't mean newspapers ?-End of the Messenger's Tale.
that; my feelings deceive me-but from a daily newspaper, upon And producing the present manuscript from the back cellar of his
which I earned a tolerable honest livelihood as editor-in-ordinary. coat, my unhappy brother discovered he had dropped and abandoned
While employed upon that sheet- a sheet, I repeat it-it was a part it in his flight. That is why I do not enclose it.
of my inadequately remunerated toil to compose the leading articles, JAMxs Wt EDEN.
the same which have excited so much comment, and been so widely
copied. Inadvertently, I brought away with me the manuscript of
one of these, which was written while I was still enduring the insult Getting a pull.
of a weekly stipend from the sheet in question. As I am determined IT has been stated by some prophet (N.B. not the CUMMINGe man)
that no more of my composition shall grace that paper, I beg you will that Lake Erie is drying up. Pooh! it is only a passing drain on its
insert the article in your columns- columns, Sir, which are never resources in consequence of the attempted liquidation of the great
base and are always capital! (Sir, your pardon; one of my ancestors Erie Railway Company. After the way in which the Fisx party
was an architect-he built an ark.) I should not presume to ask "milked" the speculation, we don't wonder at the lake's being short
this favour of a stranger, but such are my feelings that I cannot even of Simpson.
so much as enter the other establishment again; the proprietor told
me so himself. Indeed when I dispatched the present manuscript
to the office by a messenger, it needed but a single glance at that A Work of Delicacy.
returning gentleman's altered countenance to convince me that the THosE who have the stability of our Navy at heart need feel no
copy was declined. That nose, that halo about the left eye-Sir, they alarm at the fact that the Admiralty are manufacturing "mushroom"
would hare convinced anybody. This messenger-a younger brother anchors ; they are merely for use in the torpedo service to ketch-up
of mine-afterwards related his experience; and I cannot do better, electric cables.
on an empty stomach, than transcribe it.
TALE OF THE MESSENGER. Comparisons are odious.
I went up to the door (said he) and asked to see the editor. A WE know full well what the English rough is, but teyend him
person seven feet long, and rather too broad in the shoulders for beauty, there is a deeper depth-in the Belfast linen trade there are
confronted me and demanded my business. "roughers."
"Copy," said I, sententiously, "copy from JAMEs WEEDEN, EsonQR.,
whose brother I have- Bow-wow.
SKnuckling the dust out of my eyes I arose:
"Anybody else hurt ?" I gasped. "You ought to provide this WE see in a contemporary an advertisement headed, "Dog Diseases
building with a conductor. A newspaper office without a lightning Cured by Homoeopathy." This is nothing new. We have known
conductor is just flying in the face of the tempest!" many jolly dogs fly for relief to "a hair of the dog that bit them."
"There hasn't been any lightning," said he; "it's my way."
"No lightning !" retorted I with a sneer; "no lightning! Perhaps For Value Received.
you will be denying next that I fell."
He made no reply, and turning contemptuously upon my heel I IN musical circles, with a view to recognize the late monster gather-
strode away. For the first few squares or so I felt something, which ing, Boston, erst the "hub will in future be known as the hub-bub
may have been a leather trunk, overtaking me at intervals, but I am of the Universe.


AUGUST 10, 1872.


OH, did you go
To the Monkey Show,
And seek North Woolwich Station?
You had a treat,
For there you'd meet
Full many a poor relation; "-
And grandmama,
Nevvy, niece, and, nunkie ;
For says DARWIN, says he,
We all must be
Descended from the Monkey.
The orang-outan
Is like a man,
As any person can see;
From Connemara,
You'd swear was a chimpanzee.
And all about
The trace shows out
In prince and lord and flunkey; -
For says DARWIN, says he,
We all must be
Descended from the Monkey.
So all you toffs
In fine set-offs,
And dears in Dolly Vardens;
The fal ioas tiace
Of our early race
At the Show in Woolwich Gardens

Observe how man
At first began-
To own it, don't be funkey!--2
For says DARWIN, says he,
We all must be
Descended from the Monkey.

The reason why.
A CONTEmPORARY, evidently ignorant of- University life, states
The city of Oxford, with its 35,000 inhabitants, can now boast of not having a
single occupant in its priton-an unusual circumstance that was marked by the
hobuting of a white flag on the tower of the gaol on Saturday last.
It omits to add that all the undergraduates are away for the long
vacation, and of course the Oxford tradesmen are off for a holiday too.

Out of the frying-pan.
IN Cleveland, Ohio, U.S., recently, two butchers, having a spite
against a farmer called SCHWEITZER, went to his house to wreak it
upon him. They found there only his grand-daughter, nine years
old, to whose clothes they set fire after saturating them with coal oil.
Will JUDGE LYNCH oblige us with those two miscreants slowly
poached in petroleum, larded with time-fuse, and served up hot!

The Ruling Spirit.
A GAMBLER at Cincinnati was congratulated recently upon hie look-
ing in much better health than he had done for some time. He
replied I'll bet you twenty dollars I don'tlive a week! "-and he
won. His friend has got the twenty dollars by him ready, but up to this
date the winner has not called for a settle. mtnt. Yet they say gamblers
are graspers!


AUGusT 10, 1872.1] F'JIN'. 63

THE HUSBANDS' BOAT. struck me two awful blows right on the bridge of the nose, without-
the coward giving me the slightest notice of his intention.
(A SAD REBMBMBEANE.) I have a most confused notion of what followed. I have an indistinct
I HAD for some days been looking forward to my trip to Margate, and remembrance of hurrying down the pier with my handkerchief to my
y spare time had been mostly employed in gazing into all the tailors' face, amid the yells of the low cads who haunt the place on Saturday,
all the tailors' and I know that Dick Johnson and Bill Smith pretended they di4nt
and hatters' shops in our neighbourhood, when, just as I was about know me. I've got two black eyes, and can't go back to Londono t
giving up in despair all ideas of original toggery, 1 met Dick Johnson, if you donme ve mind I'll send you next week some experiences of my
to whom I confided my trouble. sojou don Margad I' send you next week some experiences of my
"Going to Margate," says he; "so am I. We shuts at two on
Saturday, and then I'm off in the husbands' boat. Bill Smith: and
Jack Brown's a-going, so you'd better come too. I've got a regular A ,M EET MIVIOVEMENT.
swell tourist suit-two quid a time, and a pair of sand shoes; oh, and
such a leghorn cady with striped ribbons. Don't we mean being toffs THE matrons up North,.they are all upon strike,
neither. Do come, old pal!" They won't let:th. butiqhrs charge just what they l.ae,
On condition that he put me in the way of getting a nice-looking In regular.manner
suit, different altogether from what our people compel us to wear, I They've set up their banner,
consented; and so we took a turn into Norton Folgate,,where. I And this is the mottw beneath, ts devices-
ordered the goods. I'm not half a ba4 hand at judging, patterns, it "Down with the-butchers-or dpwn with the prices! "
being in my line, you see, and so when I turned-into Fenchurch-street Strike, girls, for.freedom-the Fnglishman's boast;
station oa last Saturday I quite dazzled poor Dick and his. pals. I'd You-not the butchers-shall soon rule the roast.
got a beautiful pink and black shirt -with long cuffs, a. green .silk Forswe.ring all joints
sailor's kiot.with, flowers in ,gold, a suit of large pattern-shepherd's Tillyou've carried your points,
plaid, yellowsandshoes with red laces, and a straw hat and piaggery. You'll find such joint-action will carve them in elices-
I felt, as the, Yankees say,,real grit, and I know all-the fellows, hated "Down with the butchers or down with the prices."
and envied me, which, is just the thing I like, because, that very *fact
shows the women are fond of you.
I know you haven't much room for personal descriptionwhich is a A Puzzling Relation.
pity, as I should like to tell you how the other fellows, were dressed, A PITTSBURGH paper recently stated that a gentleman of the name
so that you might be able to agree with me in the statement that, forstated that a gentleman of e
taste and elegance, I fax outshone any one either.iA-the tr"in or on of APPLETON, who nearly perished in a fire, was the favourite grand-
bsen of his uncle." It is our proud duty to add the further information,
boahe ride down to Thames Haven was not productive of anything that his cousin declared he was the best son he had ever had.
special. One old cove objected to our smoking,,but we'd- got.him, as
the smoking compartment was quite full, and we'd arranged with the A Nobby Idea
guard. It was awful fun, for when the old boy, began to cough, we
puffed up like steam-engines; and Bill Smith, who's awful sarcastic, BY OUR OWN SMALL COALMAN.
told him he was a fool for getting into a carriage.with gentlefolks. WHY are coals the most contradictory articles known to commerce ?
But we always get some fun when we have a day out, so I don't think -Because, when purchased, instead of going to the buyer they go tV
the funking of an old man with tobacco anything special, especially as the cellar.
something rather unfortunate happened to me at the conclusion of the
journey. Not of a full habit.
When we got on board the boat, which we did as soon as ever we THE Royal Humane Society puts forth the following,-" Avoid
could, so as to collar the seats, we went aft and spread ourselves out, thing within two hours after a meal." There must be mny among
much to the disgust of the old blokes, and the chaps who take their ,thn wth twoh o te a meal T mst be l n smn
wives down. When they see three swells taking up the room of six, f the great unwashed." to whom this advice, if sound will be super-
they look awfully vicious, and, so long as they don't show fight, it's '
jolly. Dick Johnson, however, gave up to a man who looked as if he
wouldn't mind having a row, and who, as soon as he got a seat, pushed AWsk'tS t10 0ftsy btfiS.
Bill Smith and me up, so as to make room for his wife, and as he
kicked my bottle of stout over my new shoes and the legs of my [ We cannot return unaccepted MSX or Sketches, unless they are accom-
trousers, we got up, rather than have an unpleasantness. I think panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
fighting very low, and that's the reason why I generally prefer the responsiblefor loss.]
society of gentlemen. HonATio.-There are clearly more rules of English grammar than are
After leaving our seats, it was proposed, and carried unanimously, dreamt of in your philology.
that we should get upon the paddle-box, where we should have been G. I. T.-Take a hint from your initials, and American slang, and-
very comfortable, had it not been that that awkward brute Johnson, git!
nearly fell into the water scrambling up. The result was that the TBMPTUS.-You're slow. Somebody made that joke long ago! You
captain, a most infinite being, had us all hiked down in the most igno- must pull yourself along by your own forelock.
minious manner, and what's worse, looked at our tickets, and made us] S. (Newcastle-on-Tyne).-" Caveat Emptor," of course,- means a man
pay first-class fare all round, because he had seen us in the saloon i who empties out caverns. If that us not the right translation, it serves
art" tw you right for asking us such questions.
The enyment which seemed so great in anticipation, loked now F (Bridgwater).-Your IS., besides being unsuitable, is written on
much as though it would fail in reality, so I determined to have a try both sides of the paper. Next time you meditate favoring us, cut your
for my a, h g ps fare a e m f oe m e paper up into slips about the size of a half-sheet of note-paper. Write on
for myself, and, having paid first-class fare availed myself once more one side only, and number the folios in the left hand corner. When this
of the qvarter-deck, while my friends went forward. My principal is done, favour us still further by burning the whole batch.
reason for separating from them was, that I had seen a very nice- PHOxo.-Oh, no!- that's rhyme and reason.
looking girl sitting all alone by the man at the wheel, and, thinks I H. D. G. (Threadneedle Street).--As our rule is not complied with,;he
to myself, "now my lad, here's your opportunity." I walked along stamp is forfeited.
until I came close up to her, and then fastened my eye upon her face. W.-" Reflections on Blotting Paper !" Impossible! It absorbs, instead
I know the power of my eye, and therefore was not surprised to see of reflecting.
her blush and look down, Finding I had made an impression, I Qum.-We don't see that likeness of a hat to a cutlet, which you do.
crossed from where I was standing, and sat down beside her. Now I The French for "hat" is chapeau, not chop-eau
wish it to be distinctly understood that I wasn't at all rude-I don't T. (Islington).-We suspect, from the ring of it, that your joke has been
think I was ever rude in my life to anybody; and in proof of this, already cracked.
I'll tell you what I said. VIOLONCELLO.-You have missed one musical allusion in the Bard.
"Don't be frightened, my dear; I won't hurt you. I can't abear Oh, thatthiscot Perth; Quaker; --haHA T.g; E. S.,
to see a nice gal like you pining by herself. I'll look after you while SDeclined with thanks :-Cany Scot, Pertho; Quaker; Chang; E. S.,
we're here." And as the boat had by this time reached Margate Pretty Poll; S. T,, Islington; Recruit; A. M., St. John's Wood; Salis-
jetty, I placed my arm round her for the purpose of escorting her up bury Plain't; A. B.; F. A., Barnsbury; Diddlodum; ticket ; 0. K.;
the pier. And what do you think the ungrateful creature did P Per- C. M., Spring Gardens; G. C., Gipsy Hill; Dolly Varden; G. W. L.,
haps you won't believe me, but it's true nevertheless. Wimbledonian; S. R., Kingsland: Q in a Corner; B. B.; Borough High-
She started up, and calling to a fellow who jumped on board, street; Venturesome; Mancevrer: R. D.; F., Richmond; Chips; Tourist;
screamed Oh, JAMES, save me from this ruffian!" And-oh that I On, Stanley, On;" Devious Cuss; B. G.; Doggie; T. H. E.; William;
should be one of the living victims of man's inhumanity to man-he T., St. George's in the East.

64 FUN rAunAusT 10, 1872.

Ilk 1 .1 1 u 'I-' -'',_
Our friend B. goes to dine at a noted restaurant. "It's quite unnecessary" he says to take any money ;-put on an old suit of clothes
and a bad hat and there you are "

CHATS ON THE MAG S. This month's London shows DonR to unusual advantage. The
Billingsgate sale is especially fine, but all the illustrations are piquant
AUGUST. and true.
IN the Cornhill the improbable but amusing "Pearl and Emerald" The Gentleman's Magazine is an average number. We look in vain
story concludes. Miss. THACKERAY gives us a delightful instalment for WHYTE MELVILLE and COWDEN CLAnKE, and their absence is
of her story. But why does MaR. LEsLiE put the black silk young scarcely atoned for.
man" who has taken his degree into a scholar's gown ? It is strange The Argosy contains nothing very special this month.
that not one drawing in a hundred of university costume is correct- The monthly part of the Penny Illustrated carries us to an interest-
and yet it would be so easy to learn what is proper. The number on ing point in MR. LATEY's story, The Broken Ring."
the whole is a good one.
London Society seems a little more lively than usual, and contains at
least one good paper-" Tot"-if an unlikely story. "Talk of the Friends will please accept, etc.
Town" is too gushingly feminine-too full of" Oh, my dear Mr. So- The Standard chronicles the sudden death of a gentleman at a party,
and-so." "The Troubadour" is a deliberate-borrow, from MAccABE, and says that at a moment's notice" he leant on the table and died.
spoilt in the borrowing. Perhaps the art is scarcely up to the old stan- It would be interesting to know who gave the unfortunate gentleman
dard. t o ie
In Temple Bar Miss BEALE reappears with another Welshsketch, that notice.
and the general contents will pass muster. But we miss the interest
of a good leading story, and are not entirely sure that MR. WIKIxn To bee or not to be.
COLLINS, announced for October,will altogether supply the place of his IT is reported that an old lady at Twickenham was recently stung to
lady predecessors. death by bees. The papers say "she took a great interest in bee-
Old Merry's Monthly is an excellent juvenile magazine, with plenty keeping." We fear this is a proof of the ingratitude of bees, who
of variety and plenty of pictures. evidently took no interest in keeping her.


Printed by JUDD A CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hil, Doctors' Commons ,and Published (for the Proprietorl at 80, Fleet-street, B.C. London: August 10, 1872.

AUGUST 1-7, 1672.]

THE House and the hot weather are
breaking-up at the same time. Bad for
the harvest and the holiday-makers. =
Coals still on the rise. This is too bad, as
it is now the Fall. Short supply of dear
meat. That is of less consequence, as we
can't afford to buy coals to cook with. =
Spain is still in an unsettled state. That
seems to be its settled state now. -
French Loan an immense success. Fi-
nance Minister feels like a Gou-lardy
dardy swell. = The Saturday Review, the
organ of the carriage folks, makes a
furious attack on street tramways. We
think HorP told this unflattering tale
before. Young lady at Manchester
horsewhipped a fellow who sent her in-
sulting letters. Served him right. =
EARL GRANVILLE went to. Hastings to
meet another pier.

A New Curriculum.
UNDER the heading "Educational," the
lirininglham Jlatly Post had the other day
a long list of advertisements relating to
Apartments. An old acquaintance- CHUB
HoBBS-thinks this is the right wcrd in
the right place: after a five-and-thirty
years' experience with landladies, he
admits that he has much to learn of their
ways and mysteries.

Case in Point.
NAVAL men speak of the Arm as the
sister-service;- France, it may be noted,
has a General Cissey.
Square Rooms.



Bertie (who has visited his Uncle at King's Coll: b: b and been to chapel there) :-

THE Food Journal is noticeable on two scores this month; firstly for
the solemnity with which MR. COCHRAN speaks of The REV. SYDNEY
SMITH," when about to record a joke made by the witty canon ";
and, secondly, for an excellent notice of an excellent place, the
City Restaurant in Milk Street, one of the most comfortable eating-
houses in the City-and one where your bat is safe, too !
Tinsley's is much the same as usual. The illustrations and verse are
queer, but some of the prose-" A Baseless Fabric for instance-is
readable enough.
O,,ce a Week comes out with a new wrapper, which is an improve-
ment. Of the p 'rtraits, those of PROFESsoa OWEN and EDMUND YATES
are simply excellent A new novel is begun in this number, and the
other contents are of the average form.
The first number of Etc. is like most first numbers, not much of it.
The announcement that the Editor does not identify himself with the
political or other opinions expressed in the magazine is an ill omen.
An Editor without convictions or opinions is a nonentity, generally
peculiar to magazines that edit themselves.
The Overland Monthly is not remarkable this time, but announces
JOAQUIN MILLER for the next number. A Tale of Spanish Pride"
is a crib from an old French story.
Macmillan's is a good number this month; but Ma. BLACK'S
amusing Adventures of a Phaeton is, we regret to see, drawing to
a close. The gem of the number is a memoir of CHAnLEs LEVER.
We confess we miss the "Echo Club" in the Atlantic Monthly,
though its later papers had hardly been as good as the early ones.
There's a good story by MR. ALDRICH this month, and a clever
sketch entitled "Miss Cassandra Lippincott's Courtship." The
Triumph of Order," by JOHN HAY, is splendid!
Our Young Folks carries Jack Hazard forward a bit, and contains
the usual amount of readable matter. The "Cherry-coloured cat"
story is an annexation from Joe Miller.

You Bet!
AN American paper informs us that Elizabethstown, in Indiana,
is called Betsy for short." It is not the Bess't name they could have
chosen for brevity.

He :- WHAT is the grief that clouds my CHLOE' s brow,-
Why do her lips such angry phrases utter ?
She :-Oh, pooh! I don't know where to turn, I vow,
For eggs and butter!
He:-Nay, heed not eggs and butter, CHLOE! beef
And lamb and mutton rather patronizing.
She :-In that suggestion see I no relief,
Since meat is rising!
He --Then let fat bacon hiss on embers hot,
Or sausage, which cheap food for hungry soul is.
She :-A good suggestion, dear !-considering what
The price of coal is!
ie :--Alas, each scheme I urge has met defeat,
Adown my cheek despair's chill teardrop trickles !

She :-We have one refuge left-Australian meat-
Tinned meat, and pickles!,

Reuter wrong?
WE do not think that REUTER could have been the wronger in this
case, but that the Daily News, from which we quote, is responsible for
the drowning of three distinguished French parts of speech:-
M. Delaunary, the director of the Observatory, was drowned here yesterday
with three other persons, MM. Canot, Chavire, and Bourrasque.
It seems to us that a bourrasque (sudden squall) made the Canot (boat),
in which MR. DELAUNARY was, chavirer (to upset); and that the two
nouns and the verb should have survived.

Fags are Stubborn Things.
THE beginning-not the conclusion-of a public schoolboy's career
is the fag "-end.



[AvGuST 17,.1872.

denly a hand and then a head appeared at the carriage-window. If the
FUN OPFICS, Wdnesday, dAug. 14, 1872. guard-for it was he, coolly walking along while the-train was at fair
speed-had known how near I had come to hitting him between the
A WELCOME GUEST. eyes I don't think he would have smiled so politely. 'Tis a eaustomn
"WLL done, oar welcome guest, well done! calculated to startle the uninitiated, and they might surely adopt some
WDiscoverer or welcome guest," other means of learning if your ticket is for Anvers." The guard
Discoverer of Lr S yo u;N had to put the question once or twice to the Briton opposite me. He
So truly havEngland greet your part, wants to know if you're for Antwerp," said I, in response to a be-
ThaSo trul every h ave you pBslad your part, wildered stare. Antwerp! Yes! but why couldn't he call it
That every gallant Btsh heart Antwerp and not Onverse! At Anvers I changed into the train for
Leaps forth .tpomeetyou! Bruxelles, and was glad enough to get there at eleven at night, after
Through Afric's fever-haunted wild EO long a journey.
You pushed your w'y still on- and smiled Brussels is certainly "a city on a hill." I rather suspect the natives
At fear and danger; of this flat country were so delighted at finding a hill that they said,
You found and aided LIVIn GTOME, "Let us build city on this mountain 1" Oh, they do call it a moun-
And England hails you as her Eon, tainn! One of the principal streets is the Rue do la Montagne dela Cour.
And not as stranger! It has splendid Boulevards, and a magnificent new quarter on the
And so we greet yqu, where you d, south eastern side. Then there are picture galleries many, and
Anotd he we greett landu, where you stand .churches not a.few; though of these latter even the cathedral, St.
Another bond twixtt land andland- Gudule, though its west front is very grand, hardly comes up to one's
We call you brother expectations. The finest bit of the town is the Grande Place, with the
We welcome you with warm embrace otselde Ville, the.:Xaison dru oi, the gilt gable-ends of the halls of the
The scion ofthat grand old race Guilds, and finally the noble monument of EGMONT and HORN. In-
ur common mother. deed, if you do as I aid, and ramble about without a guide in the old
part of the town, you will see many beautiful old houses, and notable
carvings. If you don't care for that, there is Wauxhall-with real
A RO'NRD ABOUT RAM BLE. fireworks, two Catherine wheels, half-a-dozen squibs, a Roman candle,
I not ive you the why, the ow, or the wherefore, ut there I and a sixpeny rocket. Or you can try the Zoological Gardens-for
I was on board e the boat at Harwich, ound for Rotterdam. It twas a the music (especially if the Guides play) not for the animals, which are
lovely nht, and every turn of the paddles brought up a bright flash tw o little elephants, lots of brd a Frenchified town key, and roos ofe
of blue phosphorescence, which, as one of the sailrs told me. is all gn- igtle was aThed tow e ihsa Fdr e oieds tohw d ad riee ofl
fishes' eggs, a piece of inform-tion which I place freely at the disposal animals, I was amused to s.e what odd breeds they had treated poodle-
of MR. B i.cy Lam, of and end Watf. At about ten in the morning fashion, by shaving their hind-quarters. I met a through-bred
we were cautiously making our way into the Ma as with breakers to Sk('e terrier that had bcen treated in this style.
right and left of us, 1f:nging their white crests high into the air. .Des it in poodle terrier Cealeste suporie.
That, I confess, was ihe end of the pleasant part of the journey, for Ho seemed to feel the degradation! But if shaving them were
from tat hour till two we toiled slowly up the river between the most I all they did to dogs in Brussels I would forgive tLem-hey harness
monotonous ban s-all so much of the same tope that I could set them to little carts and make them drag loads that would mak MR .
them up in it as below :- t COLAM tear his hair. I earnestly hope some day there will arise a
d ad Belgian Edition of the lamented MR. MARTIN, to stop this barbarism.
............ I. ........... L ............ T'he cookery is half French and half German, but visitors soon st-em
to be acclimatited, for I saw one young English girl almly eating
e ypell s ofmaplke trees a r a snipe with cherry tart (tniss the crust). But then I foresaw that she
S. would end by marrying one of those wasp-waisted officers in the
a The water. The bank. c iows ofmog-iie trees. Widmis. Belgian Service. By the way, at some of the tables d'iS'e they have
otterdam at last! Truly "a sort of vulgar Venice," a et habitand et a naty habit of not chaging your knife and frk; wherefore corn-
curious enough to repay a visit, though I don't feel quite safe in walk- metrd me to te clean and comfortable Hotel de la .P,,8o.
irg through streets which are apparently called trat because all But why should I loiter at BruEsls when there is Antwe:p to come!
the houses are out of the perpendicular. Life in an attic here must After all that is the place to visit, a town full of the rarest treasures.
be on a sliding sca'e. You see this is all made-land, and man is apt to ,Look her e o l ot there p iounr portmanteau and
fail hen he tries his hand at creating. e of, if t is only to see he alle e Reep ofthe own Hall, with
f hries hBot Lava' paintings. Put up at the eotel do la Pair, where you
A tourist who doesn't go steeple-chasin g is no tourist, so I set off E n y s a g a n o taste, whol antl
to visit a tall tower I could sepy. I found a big church, a tall tower will find your host is an Erglisman, and a man of taste, who can tell
and large windows ;-but the church and tower were built of ordi- uyou where the art treasurs are. here is the cathedral with its
rasy brick, and ihe windows were of plain white glass. I foreswore I.ubens, there is St. Andr with its miraculously carved pulpit, and
stecple-chasirg in Botterdem after that, and sought mine ease at bt. George that seems built of the finest illuminated mitsals, and St.
mine inn. the Hotel de Bolloned in the High Street. where I found Paul and St. Jacques, and half a dozen more, and the huseumbesides.
English serre me better than French, and potinto horrid complications It is usless to ty and enumerate half the wonders to be seen in this
with the Dutch coins, guldens and cents. By the way Dutch, to judge rare old town- s m o T
from the shop-signs and other inscriptions, seems very like the But the boat will start oon so I must be off! There's the Union
attempt of a nation, shaky in its spelling, to accomplish the English jack; "and steward-a bottle of BASS." The Scheldtis very like the
language. For iimtance "' stoomboot" is not bad for tesmboat Mass in point of scenery,. and one is not sorry when Flushing is past
fcr a beginner, though I admit there is nothing very English about and we steam out to sf a. In a few hours we are in Harwich, and in
"bhasrrnidjer" (baee iry spelling is doubtful) writ up over a the hands of the Customs, who very properly exact duty from those
basrbst irs, aend apparently meaning "hair-tailor." I wonder if they who have been foolish enough to buy boxes of German and Flemish
call a dentist a tooth-cobbler! cigars! "Anything to declare!" "No," said I, "unless a pair of
At five the stoomboot" again, and some hours more of flat banks, wooden shoes pays duty as foreign timber! And so ends a round-
mrp-trees, and windmills, as we steam by quaint Dordrecht to a t ram But dn forget my advce about
Moerdyk, with a passing view of a stupendous bit of engineering, the the Botel de Ville at Antwerp. Go there- and remember me in your
bridging of the Diep, with about two and twenty stupendous spans, will for telling you. Never mind being ignorant of Fltmish-or even
for the railway, which at present has got no further than Moerdyk of French; I met two Britens who, without a scrap of any language
The railway carries us through much the same scenery as the boat. more foreign than the English of the -Western Counties, had got
and as evening comes on you can trace the ditches for miles across the trough the whole of Belgium, merely by flourishing the green covers
evel bn th, white swathnls f mist -A .-4 of their COOKss tickets.

J e og a come S am Bg 1u t o l
them, and spreading over the land like the ghost of a tablecloth.
No wonder the people wear wooden shoes, like boats! What then- The Puff Direct.
matism the cows and horses must have It is clearly a country that WnAT is the most expensive volume that has been produced of late?
wants wringing and airing-it has been passed through a mangle and A volume of smoke ;-with coals at two guineas a ton! We are look-
smooth, d out already, ing anxiously for a cheaper edition shortly.
As we crossed the Belgian frontier we stopped to have our baggage
examined. At Rotterdam the Dutch douaniers had stuck labels on At-Tent-ion.
passed luggage, like postage stamp edging. Her e they drew little WHAT strike is that which has been carried out with perfect order,
corkisrews in chalk on your portmanteau. At last on we went towards without inLcnvenience, and marked by a moat successful conclusion.?
Antwerp. It was getting dark and I was beginning to nod, when sud- -The striking of tents- at Wimbledon.

Amo=rT 17, 1872.] 67

BEHOLD, emancipate from toil,
The Briton leaves his native soil,
And makes a cast,
In search of pleasure- fleeting game,
With feet so fast!-
Yet well may he from labour claim
Some rest at last!
1. So great a pride in Britain's coast,
As freedom's isle, have we;
So great the liberty we boast,
That even stone is free !
2. If you've wine in the Docks
Thatihas often bten tasted,
You will suffer from shocks
To see how it's wasted-
For of course the cask's shrunk
By the quantity drunk.
3. If in your facial nerves this piin ne'eridwelt,
Yiu can't describe it-for it must bb-felt..
4; To this-not sufferance- should I ascribe-
The place as "badge of all of Shylock's tkibe."
5: I love my Loo -
Oh, that I do,
My Loo I aye embrace;
I take her hand,
Yet oft-demand
This gal," to take her place,
6. This with pronunciation somewhat chary-
Was her profession said the lovely Sairey.
SOLUTION OF. Acmostro No. 282.-Session is ended: Si, Elms, Share,
Season, Impend, Olive, Naiad.
'"oazcrT SorMTIOss or ACeosTic No. 282 (822) received 7th August :-Yerrip;

I TraDi I promised last week to tell you how I get on after, my
adventure on the husbands' boat, when I was so cruelly treated, and
even if I didn't, I dare say you will be glad of any information con-
cerning seaside Whitechapel. Margate is, I daresay, a beautiful place
in fine weather, but as, since my eye has been better, and I have been
able to get about, we have had nothing but rain, except wind, there is,
no opportunity for me to descant upon the effect of the sun-upon the
jetty, or the stars on the promenade.
But to begin at the beginning, which philosophers have decided to
be the best way of commencing a narrative. I fancy I've made rather
a sensation here. When, at the conclusion of my last article, I was
left sorrowful and alone-no, not alone, for about a dozen human'curs
pursued me jeering and scoffing-I rushed along until I found, whatIl
wanted, a private bedroom in a private house. I don't like hotels-
unless someone elsepays, they're expensive and not always comfort-
able-at least so I thought then; but subsequent events have caused
me to alter my opinion. Having settled myself down I bathed my
broken face with beefsteak and briar-root, and solaced my wounded
self-esteem with tea and shrimps. That is, I would have done the
latter had it not been that the t-a was bad and the shrimps worse, so
I lit my pipe, and was going to try and enjoy myself that way, when
my landlady-if anybody can be your landlady when you've only been
in the place an hour and only mean stopping a day-burst into the
room, and ordered me to leave off smoking. She was a powerful
woman, and a determined-her eyes flashed the lightning generally
sold at fivepenbe a quarter; and worse than all, there was not
another bed to be got in Margate. So I, thinking discretion the
better part of -valoor (an original sentiment entered at Stationers' Hall
and registered for transmission abroad), put out my pipe' and
I will draw curtain over the horrors of that night. I know'that
my work is much read by the fair sex, as well as by those of a dark com-
plexion, so I will merely remark that Ephraim B- himself could not
have bitten more out of me than his representatives did; and in the
morning I arose tattooed in a manner sufficient to have established
the identity of a dozen claimants. I wandered down to the sad sea
waves, and to their music composed the following beautiful monody,
about which I will merely premise, that it is written in the plural
number, first because it is a monody, and secondly because it
thereby avoids the too frequent repetition of the letter "I,"

about which,

and many other errors, the printer has already com-

Come let us ponder,
While on sand we wander,
After' tea;
At the rate of lodgings,
And the tolls and dodgings,
By toe sea.

Oh, those Norfolk Howards
May well make us cowards.
How they bite !
They raise quite a swelling,
Andthesense'ofr melling
Don't invite.
Here will we seat us,
Where no one can cheat us,
Near'thu pier;
And we'll watch the ripple
While we take our tipple-
Bottled beer.
Let us scan the offing,
Where at danger s offing,
Boats appear.
But our eyes get dim like,
And all seems to swim like-
'Tis the beer.
This sort of composition, though extremely excellent, is so easy to
me, that I dare say I should have monodised till now had not an
event happened which will form one of the sweetest memories in that
sweet thing, the existence of your own representative. I was sud-
denly aroused from the contemplation of sever 1 empty battles by a
tap on the shoulder, and looking round saw a deputation of the
inhabitants of Margate. At first the natural modesty which is one of
the chief attributes of my character, and which, sir, makes me the
most gentlemanly of your correspondents, made me bashful, but
confidence was restored when the leader of the band stepping forward
"'My name is E. H. Thomson, in yonder Pier Hotel my barmaids
draw the beer, the brst in Thanet [a statement I cordially endorses,
and we, the inhabitants of Margate, invite you to a collation special
prepared in honour of the representative of Fur."
At the mention of the word FUN, the deputation gave three'cheers,
and two of its members threw double somersaults, and said,
putting out their tongues, "Here we are again ?" TMhese artists I
afterwards discovered to be Mr. Thaddeus Pingston and Mr.
Edward P> Wells, the two famous comedians of the Hall by the Sea.
Having gently chidden them for their interruption, Mr. Thomson
"This," said he, leading forth an elegantly-attired and noble-
looking yachtsman, "is Tom Tadboard, our champion souller; uand
this," taking by the hand another handsome youth, "is Sir
Mount. Fitoelarence, the Osbaldeston of Margate." That idiot
Johnson (who had neglected mei in the moment of my adversity)
was of course present, and accompanying him was Count
Scart,, of Galway. Ma,.y other no'a'ilities were there, but my
readers must be satisfied with knowing that their family name
was legion.
Then for the first time inimy life did I feel the pleasures of true
greatness ; and as I, in a neatispeech, accepted the invitat on, the gun
upon the Fort would have gone off had its powder been dry and its
touchhole trustworthy. But one cannot get everything in this world.
The procession was then reformed, Mesemi Wells and Pingston
throwing cat'nwheels as a kind of advanced& gu rd; and am'd the
acclamations of the multitude, the drawbridge of the Pier Hotel was
let down, and we entered the banquet hall. which had been illu-
minated by an additional thousand lamps. Mr. Undersheriff Beard
said grace, and your correspondent responded, while at the same
moment a brilliani pyrotechnic display, consisting of-
[We must iwr-the interests of our readers protest againshthis rub-
bish, especially as we have this morning received letters froa'-various
prominent hotelkeepers in Margate inclosing heavy accounts -against
the special correspondent of Fun, who must have had as many mouths
as the N.H.'s of which he speaks. However,, we have reduce4'him'to
his original rank as extra sub-deputy bill-sticker, and have repudiated
all hi 'netes of hand and I 0 s.]

A Waters-pout.
Tas elements were unpropitious at the Crystal Palace Teetotal
Gathering (festival, we were about to write)-in sympathy with a
thirsty suffering public the skies declined to "smile" on the oc-

FU N [AUGUST 17, ~872.

T, 1

HowS 'rHA.r.._ UM P IRE


[AUGCUST 17, 1872.


FU N.-AUGUST 17, 1872.



&ieua A17, 1K~2.1 F ~ N .7

A wolw went into the cottage of a peasant while the family was
absent in the fields, and falling foul of some beef was quietly enjoying
it, when he was observed by the oat, who weLt directly to her master,
informing him of what.ske had seen.
"I- would myself have dispatched the robber," she added, but
feared you might wish to take him alive."
Soethe maniseoured a powerful ,olub and went to the door of the
house, while the cat looked in at the window. After'taking a survey
of the situation, the mausaid:
I don't think I care to take.this fellow alive. Judging from his
present performance I should say his keeping would entail no mean
expense. You may go in and slay him if you like; I have quite
changed my mind."
"If you really intended taking/him prisoner," replied the cat, "the
object of that bludgeon is to me a matter of mere conjecture. How-
ever, it is easy enough to see you have changed your mind; and it
may be barely worth
mentioning that I have
changed mine." o "
"A he interest you
both take in me," said
the wolf, without looking
up, "touches me deeply.
As you have consider-
ately abstained from
bothering me with the
question of how I am to
be disposed of, I will
not embarrass your
counsels by obtrucing a
preference. Whatever
may be your decision,
you may count upon my
acquiescence; my coun-
tenance alone ought to
convince you of the meek
docility of my character.
I never lose my temper,
and I never swear; but
by the stomach of the
Prophet! if either one of
your domestic animals is
in sight when I have
finished the conquest of
these ribs, the question of I
my fate may be postponed
for future debate, without
detriment to any nim-
portant interest."
This fable teaches that
while you are c nsider-
ing the abatement of
a nuisance it is impor-
tant to know which
nuisance is the more
likely to be abated. --
A man was plucking a living goose, when his victim addressed him'
thus :
"Suppose you were a goose; do you think you would relish this sort
of thing ?"
Well, suppose I were," answered the man; do you think you
would like to pluck me ? "
"Indeed I would.! was the emphatic, natural, but injudicious reply.
Justso," concluded her tormentor; "that's the way I feel.about
the matter."
This narrative proves that it is right to pluck living geese.

A peasant sitting on a pile of stones saw an ostrich approaching;
and when it had got within range he began pelting it. It is hardly
probable that the bird liked this; but it never moved until a large
number of boulders had been discharged; then it turned to and ate
"It was wery good. of you,isir," then said the fowl; "pray tell me
to what virtue I am-indebted for this excellent meal."
"To.piety," replied the peasant, who, believing that anything able
to devour stones mustbe a god, was stricken with fear; "I beg you
won't think these were merely cold victuals from my table, I had
just gathered them fresh, and was.intending to have,them dressed for

my dinner; but I am always hospitable to the deities, and now I
I suppose I shall have to go without."
On the contrary, my pious youth," returned the ostrich, # you
shall go within."
And the man followed the stones.
The falsehoods of the wicked never amount to much.
While a man was trying with all his might to cross a fence, a bull
ran to his assistance, and taking him upon his horns tossed him over.
Seeing the man -walking away without making any remark the, .bull
"You are quite welcome, I am sure. I did no more than my
"I take a, different view of it, very naturally," replied the man,
"and you may keep your polite acknowledgments of my gratitude
until you receive it. I did not require your services."
You don't mean to say," answered the bull, that you did not
wish to cross that fence! "
I mean to say," was the rejoinder, that I wished to cross it by
my method, solely to avoid crossing it by yours."
.Fabula docet that while
the end is everything the
means is something.
A traveller famishing of
thirst in a desert, debated
with his camel whether
they should continue their
journey, or turn back to
an oasis they had passed
some days before. The
traveller favoured the
latter plan.
"I am decidedly op-
posed to any such waste
of time," said the animal;
"I don't care for oases
1 .. myself."
iI should not care for
them either," retorted the
man, with some temper,
"if, like you, I carried a
number of assorted water-
as t tanks inside. But as you
will not submit to go
back, and I shall not con-
sent to go forward, we can
only remain where we
4 "But," objected the
camel, "that will be cer-
tain death to you! "
"Not quite," was the
quiet answer, "it involves
only the loss of my
So saying he assassi-
nated the beast and appro-
priated his liquid store.
A compromise is not always a settlement satisfactory to both

SSome New Studies for Artists.
A TRADE SMAN-defying competition.
A Broker-working under the market rate.
A Drill Sergeant-squaring the police.
Schoolboys -bandying words.
A Witness-charging his memory.
Railway Passenger-tied to Time.
Man in the Moon-washing his hands of bribery.

ANOTHua steamer has been wrecked on the Tusbar rocks. We
think their tusks ought to be drawn. Instead of chloroform, we should
advise gunpowder as an anesthetic.

Cutting it Short.
Fox the sake of brevity let us in future speak of the "Claims"
about which so much ink has been wasted, as the wrecked," not
as the "indirect." __ _
THE HAUT Ton.-Coals at Thirty-six shillings.

72 FUN. AUGUST 17, 1872.


ONE was not unprepared to mert this sort of fellow passengers.

Baut who would have expected these.


Celebrated Naturalists met by our artist at the show. (We hear he was not there.)

ENCOURAGED by the success which very properly welcomed the pro-
duction of London Assurance, the spirited managers of the Vaudeville
Theatre have brought out that famous old comedy The School for
Scandal, ar d the public has shewn a due appreciation of their judgment
in doing so. Oz course the weight of the piece falls on the shoulders
of MA. FARHlEN, who, as Sir Pe'er Teazle, gives another proof that the
genius of the father has revived in the son. A more finished piece of
acting we have not seen on the English stage. MR. CLaYTON plays
Joseph bu face creditably, but is not becomingly dressed; and MR.
NEVILLE In ikes a passable Charles Surface. We need hardly say that
MH. HOMAcE WIGAN gives a masterly rendering of the little Nabob, or
that MESSus. TnioNE and JAMES, as Crabtree and Sir Benjamin, acquit
themselves admirably. Welcome again are the pleasant face and
merry smile of Miss OLIVER, to whom we would rain have seen the
part of Lady Teazle entrusted. The comedy is followed by The Very
Last DSays Jf Pompeii. We thought-nay, hoped-we were at the very

last da, s of burlesque, that is of such burlesque as has been in vogue
of late years; but if MR. REECE will undertake to give us more of
such admirable fooling as this,.we shall be g'ad to renew the lease of
burlesque. Naturally, a great deal depends on the acting of MEssus.
THORNE and JAMES, but they are quite equal to the occasion, and while
they are on the stage we fairly laugh till our sides ache-or until our
neighbours in the stalls begin to consider us a nuisance and wish us
removed. The burlesque has already outlived the piece on which it
was founded, and it certainly deserves to run for a still longer time.
Our advice to our readers is to go by all means, and if they enjoy but
half as hearty a laugh as we did, we will guarantee that if proverbs
tell truth, their obesity shall be greatly augmented.
We see with much pleasure that H.R.H. THE PRINCE Or WALES has
graciously consented to become the patron of that excellent institu-
tion, the Hospital for Diseases of the throat, in Golden Square. The
Hospital does such service to professional people, who-e living
depends on their speaking and singing powers, that it shall always
have our voice-in return for the restoration of theirs.

AUGUST 17, 1872.1


Mr name is SAunDY, and this is the record of my Sentimental
Journey. MR. ANES JORDAN GANNETT, proprietor's son of the York
- with which paper I am connected by marriage, sent me a post-
card in a sealed envelope, asking me to call at a well known restau-
rant in Regent-street. I was then at a well known restaurant in
Houndsditch. I put on my worst and only hat, and went. I found
Mn. GANNETT at dinner, eating pease with his knife, in the manner of
his countrymen. He opened' the conversation characteristically thus :
Where's Da. DEADWOOD ? "
After several ineffectual guesses I had a happy thought. I asked
Am I my brother's barkeeper ? "
MR. GANNETT pondered deeply with his forefinger alongside his
nose. Finally he replied,
"I give it up."
He continued.to eat for some moments in profound silence, as that
of a man very much in earnest. Suddenly he resumed:
Here is a blank cheque, signed, I will send you all my father's
personal property to-morrow. Take this and find Da. DEADWOOD.
Find him actually.if you can, but find him. Away!"
I did as requested; that is, I took the cheque. Having supplied
myself with such luxuries as -were absolutely necessary, 1 retired to
my lodgings Upon my table in the centre of the room were spread
some clean white sheets of foolscap, and sat a bottle of black ink. It
was a good omen; the virgin paper was typical of. the unexplored
interior of Africa; the sable ink represented the night of barbarism,
or the hue of the barbarians, indifferently.
Now began the most arduous undertaking mentioned in the
York- I mean in history. Lighting my pipe, and fixingnmy
eye upon the ink and paper, I put my hands behind my back and took'
my departure from the hearthrug toward the Interior. Language
fails me; I throw myself upon the reader's imagination; before I had
taken two steps my vision lit upon the circular of a quack physician,
which I haid brought home the tday before, around bottle ofhairwash.
I now saw the words, Twenty-one Fivers! This prostrated me
for I know not how long. Recovering, I took a step forward, when my
eyes fastened themselves upon my pen wiper, worked into the similitude
of a tiger. This compelled meito retreat to the hearthrug, for rein-
forcements. The red-and-white dog displayed upon that article turned
a deaf ear to my entreaties; nothing would move him.
A torrent of rain now began, falling outside, and I knew the roads
wereimpassable; but chafing with impatience I resolved upon another
advance. Cautiously proceeding via the sofa, my attention fell upon
a scrap of newspaper; and to my unspeakable disappointment I read :
"The various tribes of the Interior are engaged in a bitter
It may have related to America, but I could not afford to hazard
all upon a guess. I made a wide detour by way of the coal-scuttle,
and skirted painfully along the sideboard. All this consumed so
much time that my pipe expired in gloom, and I went back to the
hearthrug to get a match off the chimney piece. Having done so I
stepped over to the table and sat down, taking up the pen and spread-
ing the paper between myself and the ink bottle. It was late, and
something must be done. Writing the familiar word Ujijijijijiji I
caught a neighbourly cockroach, skewered him upon a pin and fastened
him in the centre of the word. At this supreme moment I felt
inclined to fall upon his neck and devour him; but knowing by
experience that cockroaches are not good to eat I restrained my
feelings. Lifting my hat I said,
"DR. DEADWOOD, I presume "
He did not deny it !
Seeing he was feeling sick I gave him a bit of cheese and cheered
him up a trifle. After he was well restored,
"Tell me," said I, "is it true that the Regent's Canal falls into
Lake Michigan, thence running up hill to Omaha, as related by
PTOLEMY, thence spirally to Melbourne, where it joins the delta-of the
Ganges and becomes an affluent of the Albert Nicaragua, as HEnO-
DOTrS maintains F "

The rest is known to the public.

He's worth-y of his hire.
SEE the stalwart reaper laying the ruddy harvest low in swathe
after swathe, and think, reader, think-what a swa(r)th-y look there
is about him!
The Perfect Cure.
THE useful before the ornamental ;-contrast the outside show of
.the zebra with the solid, streaky, good qualities of "the animal that
pays the rint."
WHEN does an infant evince a taste for a literary life ?-When
it takes kindly to its squills.

DOWN the river we were gliding;
We were gliding in the shade:
We were terribly confiding,
ANGELINA, I'm afraid !
There were zephyrs gently sighing
In the barley and the oat;
And I know that I was lying
At the bottom of tie boat.
As a bit of.incidental
Information, I may say,
I was very sentimental
On that comfortable day.
ANGELINA, we're divided,
And your step remotely range!
For your guardian has decided
On a continental change.
Where the foliage is shady,
Once again I am afloat-
And again there is a lady
Who is sitting in the boat;
And the weather's Oriental,
And the lady's very gay-
Yet I'm not so sentimental
As I was the other day.
All'her smiling cannot-win me,
(She's rema kable for "go ")
And the sentiment within me
Is a-burning very low.
I would fan the dying ember
Into madness, but I can't,
For I cannot but remember
That the lady is my aunt.
She has funds and shares and rental-
But, endeavour as I may,
I can not be sentimental.
As I was the other day.
She is nervous, my relation,
For the ru Jder's in her charge-
And there's dreadful agitation
When w.'re coming to a barge;
Nay, I often see her calling
Her resources into pliy,
For some obstacle appalling
That is half-a-mile away!
My relation looks parental,
Though she's flighty as a fay-
And I can't be sentimental
As I was the other day!

aSlubmTS ig (S Ssads

[ We cannot return -unaecepted rSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
VAT A LARKS!-We don't quite see how excursion, diversion, and im-
mersion" can be called "three popular versions." Vat a geese-it seems
to us.
D. (Brighton).-Your lines are more suitable for a.Mathematical paper
than for a comic journal-they possess length without breadth.
S. B.-The lines are not in our line.
ALF (Forest Hill).-Not 'alf good enough.
F. G.-Perhaps you'd like us to think that frog story's plot original-
a frog's tale that you'd evolved out of your own head like a tadpole.
Pooh! it's all "roley poley gammon and spinach" again, without rhyme
or reason.
W. (Pinner).-As the word is "vigilant" not "vigilent," your anagram
loses its charm for want of a spell.
J. G. (Bayswater).-See Fun Almanack of 1863.
CAusTIC.-Why not Lunar Caustic ? We detect the Lunatic influences
more decidedly than the Caustic property.
S. (Ardwick).-See our rule. We cannot return the sketch.
Declined with thanks :-E. M., South Molton; G. E. L., Portland Place;
Tootsicrat; F., Dalston; H. E. T.; J. S., Islington; Balloonist, Reading;
H., Clifton; Mudlark; John Thomas and Maria Jane; A. B. 0. S.; S. C.,
Welbeck-street; H. G., Islington; W. L., Moorgate-street; Frabjous; N.,
Manningtrec; Peter Bloggs; P. T., Dalaton; G. B. D., Hants; Chalks;
X. P. Y., Glasgow; Al., Boxford; W. G. A., Smithfield; Hobbnaila; Peter
Piper: C. E. H., Kensington Park; Yank; W. W., Liverpool; Wash-tub;
C. D. F.; R., Leeds; Brothers Cheeryble; S. T.; B. N., Kingsland; Bolt ;
Double You; D. E. D.; Butcher's Meat; S. 0. A.; Drawist; Telegram; J.,
Kensington; -, Walworth; Dandie Dinmont.


I A TrUST 17 187:'.

_111 _1 m111i iii



Peace, be still I
* THE'Peace society is running some risk. It so pesters folks with
silly circulars that it is like the man in the SMITH-CRABBs poem,
lie who in search of silence silence hoots
Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes.
Our friends by constantly pitching peace into us are making us
bellicose, and there will be a serious quarrel anon between us. Of
course a Peace Society with several PEASE on the committee should 1 e
averse from a split.

from a Plane.

A SERMON in stones we have recently had,
Of which an epitome giving,
You may say premier S TONE was uncommonly GLAD,
To learn t'other STONE Was still LIVING.

Posting the Coal.
MANY of the South Yorkshiie collieries have been flooded;-we
only wish that the coljieries in return would flood the market-
with their produce !-but that deluge, we fear, will be aprei

BOYS' SUITS, 16s. TO 45s.



Printed by JUDD & CO., Phamix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, B.C.-London: August 17, 1872.

I Tf

AUGUST 24, 1872.]


The Reigning Authority.
THE Sindian states that no rain has fall- .
en at Kurrachee for the past two years.

buckets we shall be very happy to send ,_ _
it the rainfall which through some red
tape muddle in the office of the Clerk of
the Weather has been mis-sent to this
island within the last few weeks. Kur-
rachee's showers have evidently got \
pigeon-holed somewhere in the office, and
we are getting the benefit of their disco-
very by some Weather-office AYnrox.

THERE are seventeen newspapers now
in Japan. We fear the Japanese will
begin to object to European Civilization
if we begin by inserting the journalistic
end of the wedge first. It would be kinder
to that interesting nation to begin with
small-pox, wife-beating, murder, delirium
tremens, and some of the minor blessings
of culture.

SUBMARINE electricians are the men to
"pay their way "-they can readily make
both Ends meets.


-Good Farms needs no Bush.

THE closing year,
My volunteer,
Is on you once again,
And I envy not
The job you've get
On Salisbury's bleak plain.
1. The stars are beginning to fade,
And the dawn is beginning to twinkle ;
And if twixtt the sheets I were laid
I should save a grey hair and a wrinkle,
Which come from late hours I'm afraid !
2. The Tory mind it much bewilders
Put recently in nomination
Without the ancient agitation.
But surely things go better now
Without the old and useless row
3. Tabitha's pa wore a broad-brimmed hat,
But I loved the darling in spite of that;
And never a pronoun so impressed me
As the sweet little word with which he addressed me!
4. From here I look down
On river and town,
A very pleasant sight.
That distance best
Lends interest
Which is upon a height.
5. At Christmas time,
In pantomime,
This word best graces
The clown's grimaces.
6. An untamed fiery coal-black steed,
Bore me o'er river, moor, and mead ;-
I shut my eyes, I strove to scream-
I screamed, and lo! 'twas but a dream.


SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 283.-Strikes General:- Swag, LTare,
Rubicon, Ire, Kidder, Edda, Seal.
CORReCT SOLUTIONS or AcROSTIc No. 283, received 14th August :-Homeless
Pansy ;Pat.

MAY the wing of good fellowship never have its primary feathers
clipped, by a fine of five shillings.
May the teaspoon of temperance never stir up disaffection in the
glass of the moderate drinker.
May hope illuminate our future, without calling on the past to pay
for the oil.
May the tree of Liberty flourish, and may somebody else have to
pay for the manure for it. *
May the laurels of Great Britain never be plucked to flavour foreign
May the hinges of friendship never require palm oil.
An Upright judge, and a downright jury "-and, if possible, a
straightforward counsel.
May the cheerful heart never want a bottle to give himself.

THE workfolk of Bradford have held an open-air meeting, and
pledged themselves to abstain from butchers' meat for a month, and from
veal and lamb totally. It appears to us that if a fellow can live
without meat for a month, he may very well give up veal and lamb
for the other fraction of time. We have often thought of giving up
eating altogether, but we find the force of habit too strong for us.

False Alarm.
SOME silly paper declares that:-
The hay crop must be a failure in some parts of Lower Canada, as it is reported
that the grasshoppers there have got lame hopping from one blade to another.
We have a capital hay crop in England, and yet, if not the Grass-
hopper, at least the indigenous Cricket has had its stumps up for a
long time.



AUGUST 24, 1872.

76 FUIN.

FUN OFFICE, Fednesday, Aug. 21, 1872.
RELEASED from legislative bands,
The Ministers have quitted town,
And seek the shore, and fling them down
On the Sands-the Sands!,
A banjo with three twangling strands
The PRiMiR's constant care bespeaks,
He finds the harmony he seeks,
On the Sands-the Sands!
There's LowB,-who famed for sleight-of-hand's,-
This holiday design of his is,
To pass obliterated tizzies
On the Sands-the Sands!
AryTON, who art sounders'ands !-
Intends to try his hand at sketches,
He'll quite cut-out those daubing wretches
On the Sands-the Sands!
There's GoscHNw-who the fleet commands,--
Will choose fine weather for a sailing,
But stay, if squalls forbode sea-ailing,
On the Sands-the Sands!
There's BRUCn, whose tender heart expands
Towards criminals condemned to swing,-
He'll hang about like anything
On the Sands-the Sands.!
And CADMWELL, lord of guns and brands,
His-military zeal will smo'her,
And stray like a manceuvring mother,
On the Sands-the Sands!
Thus rulers of our British lands
Shall lay their cares and toil away,
And roam contented day by day,
On the Sands-the Sands!

IT is with the deepest regret that we learn the death of the most
eminent surgeon of our day, Ma. F. C. Sxxy, C.B., F.R.S., of Mount
Street, Grovesnor Square, whose long and useful career closed on the
15th instant, in the seventy-third year of his age. Until the last he
had laboured for the benefit of his fellows, and had published letters
and treatises on various diseases, works which were the fruit of a
large and ripe experience, and will ever tend to alleviate the sufferings
of humanity. In this sense, his death is a national, a world-wide
calamity; but on his patients and friends- for to become his patient
was to love him as a friend-will fall a sense of personal bereavement,
no less than a feeling of almost hopeless deprivation :-for to receive
his medical advice and aid seemed like a renewal of life, so great was
the confidence which his vast skill and infinite kindliness always

SINcE the days of my earliest childhood angling has been with me a
fervent passion. As soon as I could toddle I used to middle, i.e., catch
tiddlebrats, vulgarly known as sticklebacks, and when at school the
reference to POPE GREGORY's celebrated joke about the young anglers
made a deep impression upon me: now that I am grown up, and one of
the best fishermen of Hampstead Ponds, I am determined to eclipse all
previous writers on the subject, and have taken especial care that no
one shall be able to accuse me of plagiarism. Following are a few
extracts from the work just in the press:-
Fishing with a rod and line is called angling. Catching fish with a
rod and line is called the same. There is a vast difference between
fishing and catching fish; but as all anglers are brothers it would be
invidious to alter the title of the two occupations. The word is
derived from angle, a corner, because every tiue member of the gentle
craft gets his fish in a corner, before catching him. It may be as well
here to remark that the famous little JACK HORNER was the WALTON of
his day, and that the mention of his thumb is merely an allegorical
allusion to the craftiness with which he threw in his rod and line, [Let
me see, do you throw in your rod as well?] and pulled out beautiful
red lobsters.
Soles are extremely hard to catch with the rod and line, principally
because if you hook one, the other of the pair pulls him off. Skilful
solefishers, however, carry a small harpoon, with which they transfix
both. as soon as one sole bites. The best bait for soles is egg and
bread crumbs.

The crab is a wary and vivacious fish, and is best taken on a Sunday
afternoon in the neighbourhood of Battersea reach, where I have seen
as many as a dozen crabs caught in as many minutes.
Jack lurks in obscure and curious places, and may be observed as
was said of him by an eminent philosopher, to take his pleasure sadly.
Jack and 'Jill both abound in the neighbbourhood of the Welsh Harp
fishery. Sunday is also the best day for them.
Methods of baiting are extremely diverse. A. friend of mine, a
livery-stable keeper assures me he prefers a feed of corn to anything.
I suppose he means ground bait. But whatever may be the difference
of opinion about Ihe use of worms or paste, let me advise my reader.
always to place his bait at the hook end of the line; unless indeed he
is fishing for flies, or as it is generally called fly-fishing, and then. he
can put it where it is most attractive.

MY dear Miss JONEs,
The semitones,
In which you couch your diction,
Must fail, I fear,
To mortal ear,
To carry home conviction.
Then, do not speak
In accents weak,
Or I, in sheer vexation,
Must e'en divulge,
That you indulge
In such low conversation" !

ON the peaceful Sunday which succeeded the prosperous opening of
the Brighton Aquarium, ahorriblerumour-tobe subsequently confirmed
by the utterances of the public crier-spread through Brighton. The
Alligator had escaped! Immediately on receipt of a telegram to
that effect, we dispatched a Special Correspondent (who would not go
without having his life insured, and the loan of a suit of armour from
,he Tower) whose telegraphic reports we print below.
He is still at large. Three children are missing. The police have
just carried past the hotel what appeared to be the semi-devoured
remains of a boatman.
The waiter has just announced that the monster is to be seen floating
on the surges just in front of the space devoted to the ladies' bathing
The Mayor and Corporation, have held a consultation, and have
voted a supply of jackdaws to pacify the monster's appetite. The
voting for the special birds to be sent is now in progress.
I hear that a number of persons complain of sever e ites.
I have just seen Ma. LEE, the -custodian, and his information is
reassuring. As the beast was brought from the Nile in a cigar box,
and came to Brighton in MR. FRANK BUCKLANDS8 pocket, he is not
likely to do much damage unless allowed to remain at liberty till he
grows up.
The three children have been discovered in a bathing machine
engaged in the private investigation of a borrowed pot of jam.
The boatman on the stretcher was suffering from over-exertion in
"unpacking glass." N.B. The glass contained spirits, renewed d-
or rather sans discretion.
The monster in the offing was a log covered with barnacles. It is
now in tank 25. The Corporation has taken its jackdaws home.
Confidence is restored. The;return of the number of people bitten
last night does not exceed the average.
The Alligator has been found. He had fallen out of MnR. BUCK-
LAND's pocket at the station, and had taken refuge in the toe of one of
the boots of the station-master, placed outside his door to be blacked.
The creature revealed his whereabouts by biting the gentleman's big
toe. He has been brought to the Aquarium in a soup-'plate. All is

A Nobbier Idea.
WHY are cows more contradictory articles than coals F-Because
when they are not sold they go to the byre.

1 AUGUST 24, 1872.]


Sm,-In reply to your furious letters regarding the absence of any
copy from me last week, permit me to say that it would have beemaw-
well had you investigated matters before making such grave and
unjustifiable charges as appear in the correspondence received by.ame.;
,I am informed that such words as donkey, swindler, and lazy scond6&el
are libellous, especially when they havea, foundation in fact, and so
you may, confidently expect a -i-.iLfrom my legal adviser, as soon as
he has determined upon the legal advisability of the step. But as
neither of us has the least wish to,be hard upon one who,whateveamay
be his faults as an editor, possesses considerable frankness aa.Amman
being, we may if you will make-'anything in the way of a deearp.o-
position be inclined to listen to reason. But this statem@Vent.W-ithett
.prejudice. The law of libel is'this country's paUadiunmmiawsaid ise-.
covered by ALFRED THE GREAT, Baa BOmROHME (alias Borca vmwaasa
AmiraAL Rous (inventor of Isthmian ambling above .wat, o the
O'DONNowHo's the Glen, MR. W ALTam,JtI.P., and Mausams-5~.OaAm
and'T. HUGHES, who formed ike first special jury eveaimpandie&W-
the protection of the Bfitish.'subject. iAid, sir, at tlii ety mwmeuti,
I and my solicitor represent the outaged British su-b ect. W ,awin
prepared with a tin of the best Adouble aiatilled AustEaiean 'seeptO
brains, a dagger with savekaiildades, a whalebone Edwamd (withdak-we-
ounce bullet), and a-,bewl.fI-robur. We have, as my.solicitar;says.
such a respect for theilaw J taw-eeasrnta.ake it into our om
and.to wait on youi'w lthe.aboveingredients for the. aranogeme itf
a lasting-peace between au. Batt ba sure and have your cheqzebok
handy when we call.formaaey orbleod can alone satisfy the cravings
of my'wounded spifisam&tha t alseo ofmysaicitor.

And -now having'aetlfltyoresr b uvai rill just explain to my
kin&readers andgene&. e paonstlhe.r why I did not sparkle
as usual in youi number. h'vre:wbeen todthe seaside. During the
Sussex fortnight;luawB7fen.eein .insg'blsiness with pleasure. I did
notgo to Goodwea41 th bein .lg la'slight misunderstanding between
myself and the dtk* *fehr se eredithe wan-m friendship once existent
between us. Eve indiaeienIlbmeionstiaai y:declined to make one of
the fashionableeaBsetypasty so-admired and envied by all thereportemst
during Goodwoe~ week, and base returned his grace the tickets
for the grand shadikierso obligingly sendB me. He would like, 'I
know, to maket inp; I.but whenoence I quarrel with a man, .I am
adamant itself,.env though that. man be my oM friend the Duke of
Goodwood. WueR 'eu believe it ?-an envious fellow actually
stated the otheral it, ins:reply to some observations of mine similar
to the foregoiagdfhatl'iaeeis.i anch title imthe British peemage.
As if I did.ft'- omw my -own: faif-aS titte,! 1 .think this person
imagined thatbaigee.se( oed o istinBussexEadl'because the Good-
wood week be Btheussex'rfminightttathe;iauke of Goodwoodis-
Duke of Sussex.. 1%lBnIhinow -.better than tha;;and I should like to
ask, If a man isn't to be dukeof his own park and house and race
course, and, above all his own- grand -stand, what's the use of being a
duke at all ? And remember that on the answer to this question
depends a great political argument, for if you once admit the weakness
of dukes, you let in Conservative reaction, and then what is to become
of the country ? I pause for a reply.
At Brighton I consider I made a bit of a sensation, and kept up the
agony at Lewes, and then after the races I stayed for a week. at the
first-named place just to oblige the promoters of Jhe aquarium, who
wished to avail themselves of my great sporting knowledge as to the
arrangement and disposition of the various candidates for aquatic
honours. During my stay I made many original observations, not
"only in the course of conversation, but in my notebook, and shortly
will be published the journal of a tour to Brighton and Lewes, with
remarks by the way on the history of aquaria," by AuGrPUR.
Please brder early as a large demand is expected.

A Gem in its Way.
THE authorities of St. Martin's-le-Grand are responsible for the
(Night and Sundays inclusive)
For the receipt of Newspapers, Packets, Letters, &c.
No tourist exploring the beauties of the Emerald Isle sends us this-it
may be seen, neatly engraved, at the Edgware Road branch Post-

The Astute Paper and the Statute Holiday.
THE Times Eays:-
The 5th of August was probably named for the Summer Bank Holiday merely
as being out of the way of the bills falling due on the 1th.
Several schoolboys are thanked for pointing out that the recent holiday
took place on the 6th, simply because it was the first Monday in the
month of August.

I wisd to lead a pleasant life,
Avoiding duns and debt,
To keep aloof from care and strife,
And neither game nor bet.
Yet somehow it would .ber am
/ To say I'm blest in lot;-
Because you see sometiameI am,-
But then, sometimes I'muset!
It's very nice, whepiin a.shop,
To buy whatever you view,
Provided want of cash won't pop
'Twixt purchases and you.
I wish I were a wealthy man
To buy things that enchant;
Because you see sometimes I can,-
But then, sometimesrI can't.
It's quite delightful-truly fun-
To act as thoughts may strike ;
And pleasant, too, to leaver undone
The thingsone does' t like.
I often wish to have my way,
Thus free from all restraint;
Because you see sometimes I may,-
Bat then sometimes I mayn't.
An even temper.to possess-
A mind that's balancedwell-
Must be a bliss I-cant express,
That tongue may-never tell.
My temper's pretty fair, but.elfl
Act tranquilly I don't;-
Because, you see, sometimsLfwill,-
But then, sometimes I wet. !
Well, well! The besata mancea.do
Is not to growl at fate,
Not too depressed when ills a aeome
At bliss not too elate ;
That I may so behave, otd pal,
I would the heavens-would graint;,-
Because although sometimes I shsal,
I know, sometimes I shan't.

LORD SHAFTBSBUrs recently laid the memoriat-eltone of the model
dwelling-houses to be erected by the-Artisans' Labourers' and Generl-
Dwellings Company at Lavender Hill, Wandsworth ;- ,j.
His lordship in the course of a few observations, congratulated the comrpaly
that there were to be neither pubic-honses nor taprooms iu this workman's city of
the future.
The report does not put a capital to Company, but we imagine the Co.
will find it necessary to establish a public-house, for the convenicenoe
of workmen, who cannot afford a cellar of their own,- or their work-
man's city will be one of a very remote future. Did no Artisan tenant
get up to congratulate his lordship that there was no cellar in his
ancestral mansion, and no club-room to which his lordship could claim,
admission ? How sweet it is to talk teetotalism with the key of the
cellar in your pocket! How noble to preach tea, upon Chateau
Yquem, and IlOET and CHANDOI How great and good it is to recom-
mend-after a glass or two of CROFr's port-sobriety to workmen, who
have no control over the adulterating tendencies of their butler Oh !

Keeping and Preserving.
We see it stated that:-
Thirty thousand cases of preserved meats were shipped from Victoria for Europe
last month.
We are for this kind of preserve as an opposition to game-videlioet,
the little game of the butchers, who may keep their meat, if we can
get ours preserved.

The Twelfth.
PooR old RooAY, who came down late- on Sunday to the lodge,
wasn't up in time to take his part on the Monday morning. He said
"they might be very fond of the twe:fth-but he went hi for a
dozin' too !"

Out upon ye.
Bore should never play at cricket in school-hours-they are pretty
sure to be caught" at it.


[AUGUST 24, 1872.

F \nx\kaJ{tN4 vA I YPM 11 \ N46FAw aA

Squire, who has sent "some grouse and his compliments" to a friend, meets his mnetsenger
Sam, looking into empty hamper :-" WELL, ZUR, I GIED 'UN THE GROUSE, VBUT I COULD'N'

HoxTON murderer still undiscovered. Latest "Police intelligence."
Girls taken up for dressing as sailors. They should have known
that you can't put on the tar, without getting into a mess. = Three
Emperors are about to have an interview. This amicable meeting
does not augur that a time is at hand when honest men will come by
their own. = Another libel case against a newspaper breaks down.
Perhaps in time the liberty of the press. will not have these
liberties taken with it. = The Licensing Bill has passed. 'Tis a
mixed medley-" let us see how it will work," as the brewer said. =
EARL RUSSELL has been writing to the Timis about an Irish Parlia-
ment. Will somebody please take away that child's pen, wipe his
fingers, and lock up the inkstand. = Brighton Aquarium at last
successfully launched. Would have been wrecked bat for aid coming
from LEE-ward. = The Times says dpropos of hanging for murder;
that "what is needed is something which will overwhelm the imagi-
nation with dread, and identify the very thought of murder with
the extremity of horror." This is an unanswerable argument in
favour of chopping up murderers alive in sausage-machines, making
them eat themselves for breakfast, and finally firing them out of
cannons. = LORD POLLINGTON opposes MR. CHILDERS at Pontefract,
sending his address apparently from Nancy to Pontefract so rapidly
that it did not pass through the intervening space. Wrote like an
angel, and talked like poor Poi,-." = The women of Cumberland

returning :-" WELL, SAM, DID YE GIVE THE


are striking against the high price of meat. The butchers will soon
cease to have any steak in the country! = The District Railway is going
to raise its fares. Now that we have so many trams running, this is
equivalent to sinking the receipts. = It will beobserved that the Session
has concluded without that maiden speech from MR. WATNEY, M.P.
for East Surrey. Editors of Works on Elocution will kindly accept
this intimation. = Several members of the Government had a little
explosion of gun cotton in Whitehall Gardens. These are the results
of ministerial wool-gathering.

The Advantage of Matrimony.
A SHEFFIELD slater, LAw by name, has'just been sentenced to ten
years' penal servitude for a murderous assault upon MAuY BAITES, who
had brevet rsnk as' his wife. Foolish fellow, if by marrying her, he
had made her LAW, he might have taken the Law into his own hands
for a good deal less in the way of penalty.

Mouth and Foot Disease.
A FARM labourer killed himself the other day by drinking a
poisonous liquid used for sheep suffering from foot disease. He was
intoxicated when he took it, but we are not quite as- assured as the
coroner's jury, that he did not think the remedy was suitable for
mouth as well as foot disease. He was clearly suffering from the


F UN.-AUGUST 24, 1872.


II -,

AuGUST 24, 1872.] FU N 81

A CAT, waking out of a sound sleep, saw a mouse sitting just out
of reach, observing her. Perceiving that at the slightest movement of
hers the mouse would recollect an engagement, she put on a look of
extreme amiability and said :
Oh it's you, is it ? Do you know, I thought at first you were
a frightful great rat; and I am so afraid of rats! I feel so much
relieved-you don't know! Of course you have heard that I am a
great friend to the dear little mice."
Yes." was the answer, "I have heard that you love us indifferently
well, and my mis ion here was to bless you while you slept. But
as you will wish to go and get your breakfast, I won't bore you. Fine
morning-isn't it? Au revoir "
This fable teaches that it is usually safe to avoid one who pretends
to be a friend with,.ut having any reason to be. It wasn't safe in
this instance, however;
for the cat went after
,that departing rodent,
and got away with

Ahippopotamus meet-
ing an open alligator
said to him:
"My forked friend,
you may as well collapse. -
You are not sufficiently
comprehensive to em-
brace me. I am myself
no tyro at smiling, when
in the humour."
"I really had no ex-
pectation of taking you
in," replied the other,
"I have a habit of ex-
tending my hospitality
impartially to all, and
about seven feet wide."
"'You remind me,
said the hippopotamus,
"of a certain zebra who
was not vicious at all;
he merely kicked the
breath out of every-
thing that passed be- -
hind him, but did not
seek to induce things
to pass behind him."
It is quite immaterial what I remind you of," was the
The lesson imparted by this fable is a very beautiful one.
A sheep, making a long journey, found the heat of his fleece very
uncomfortable, and seeing a flock of other sheep in a fold, evidently
awaiting for some one, leaped over and joined them, in the hope of
being shorn. Perceiving the shepherd approaching, and the other
sheep huddling into a remote corner of the fold, he shouldered his
way forward, and going up to the shepherd said:
"Did you ever see such a lot of fools ? It's lucky I came along to
set them an example of docility. Seeing me operated upon, they'll be
glad to offer themselves."
Perhaps so," replied the shepherd, laying hold of the animal's
horns; "but I never kill more than one sheep at a time. Mutton
won't keep in hot weather."
The chops tasted excellently well with tomato sauce.
The moral of this fable isn't what you think it is. It is this: The
chops of another man's mutton are always nice eating.
Two travellers between Teheran anid Bagdad met half way up the
vertical face of a rock, on a path only a cubit in width. As both were in
a hurry and etiquette would allow neither to set his foot upon the other
even if dignity had permitted prostration, they maintained for some
time a stationary condition. After some reflection each decided to
jump round the other; but as etiquette did not warrant conversation
with a stranger, neither made known his intention. The consequence
was they met, with considerable emphasis, about four feet from the
edge of the path, and went through a flight of soaring eagles, a mile
out of their way! *
This is infamous I The learned Parsee appears to wholly ignore the distinction
between a fable and a simple lie.-Taies.AToa.

JUST to show our readers what the declined with thanks of our
Answers to Correspondents really means, we publish a few "jokes,"
and hereby warn the authors that if they write to request cheques in
consequence, we will publish their names, and so enable their
relatives to acquire their property (if they have any) under a writ de
Quiz asks, Do you bruise your oats ? and replies illogically and
dismally, "no, be we 'ates our bruises!"
C. (Brixton) inquires, Why could not the Claimant have been to
Stonyhurst ?" And incoherently adds because he's a Univ-R. C. T.
man! "
A SCHooLBOY wishes to know the difference between the first bell
at school and a sailor, and endeavours to explain his infamy by alleging
that the former opes your eyes, and the latter eyes a rope.
AN UNWILLING CURATr enquires what is the distinguishing fact
between a popular form of Charade, andca cane traversing the first
letter of the Alphabet. He conceals his imbecility behind the flimsy
pretext that one is Acros-
tic and the other is a
stick crossing A.
SMIrr (We know this
old offender by name)
expresses a wish to know
why MR. REMNEL is like
1a noted Fenian- but no!
"that way madness lies,"
and we decline to say any

Nothing when you
are used to it.
WE are happy to state
that the recent explosion
of gun-cotton in White-
hall has done no injury-
except to the pockets of
those who have to pay
for the broken glass.
When we state that the
S Members of the Ministry
present on the occasion
were the Premier, the,
Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer, the Home Secre-
tary, and the First
Commissioner of Works,
the public will understand
that all were so used to
being blown-up that they
did not suffer in the least. We take the opportunity of stating that
COLONEL YAUX was not present.

DEAR TomxINs, your notorious nous
Will hint to you how proper a
Return will lbe a box of grouse
For boxes at the opera.

Latest from the Moors.
Sxoxne s told NoExms that he was off to his moors NoExINs
met SNOBKNS at Margate. SNoBxiws told NOBxKINS he was n route
for his moors. "Then," cried N, "where are they-in the South P "
Yaas," said the imperturbable S. "You've heard of The moors in
Spain. I've got a castle there too !" N. says S. is a fool. S. says N.
is a fool. Wethink both. What's your opinion?

More's the Pity-and less the Pit-at-y.
THE potato disease is already stalking among the stalks of the
plants in the district of Fermoy. We had well hoped that Ireland
would have been spared this in-Fermoy-ty.

A Sad but Seasonable Reflection.
BY Mas. CAnorn.
SINcE the grouse season began, it is sad to note how prevalent has
become the habit of back-biting in fashionable society!

PRovNCIAL ToUr for the St. James's Hall Puppets.-Marionette-
shire. (N.B.-Wales.)-

2 FUN.

(AuoUST 24, 1872.


'TIs somewhat alarming to fancy
Your darling-say, LucY or NANcy-
Has fashioned her headgear so jolly,
On merely a parrot-a polly,
But, then, fashion always is folly!
And to think that the dress of a lass
Should owe its design to an ass,
Yet those, who with Grecian bends toddle, "
And don't think such nonsense is odd '11
Of course taken ass for a model!
You will even find girls who enjoy
A fashion derived from a toy-
The trees in those German-made boxes
Of sheep, or of geese, or of foxes,
Or other such "herdses" and "flockses! "
And these fashions go only to fill
The milliner's bill-or her till-
And this, too, when people announced
Coals and meat at five shillings an ounce-
How much can we spare for a flounce ?

Kidney, peut-ltre.
A Mas. KsIBNY has just died at INew Hendon at the advanced age of
one hundred and two. If there are any more of the same kidney in
the district, we shall counsel our Life Insurance companies to look out
for customers in the neighbourhood.

Go it my Pippins !
THIs familiar adjuration for the present season at least has lost its
raison d'etre. Barren orchards testify too plainly that they are gone!

Justice, at last.
ANOTHER brutal husband-says the Huddersfield Weekly N'ews-
has been sent to prison for beating his wife, to whom he had been
married fifteen years-
Treating her abominably during the whole of that time. His plan of operation
was to go into his wife's bedroom, upset the bed, take up the children who were
sleeping by her side, and, after dashing them on the floor, kick his wife. He had
only given her 20s. to keep herself and f ur children for nine weeks. He made no
defence, and when he appeared before the magistrates he was in a state of intoxi-
For all this he was sent to prison-for one month! 'That's about two
days for each year :-We should like to know how many married men
and how many bachelors there were on the bench when he was
condemned. Will nobody get up a petition in favour of this injured
man ? If so, no times to be lest, or he will be out again ere sympathy
can properly display itself in the papers.

A Fatal Weapon.
IT is'reported from Paris--so says a contemporary-that the once
dreaded mitrailleuse is to be abolished in France. We are in a
position to add that the barrel-organ of the London Savoyard will be"
substituted, as quite as fatal and much more annoying to the enemy.

Break, Break, Break!
WE don't quite see why the cabman's wife at Notting Hill, who
smashed her furniture when a distress was put in, should have been
sentenced to seven days' hard labour. She might fairly plead that as
her visitors were brokers, she thought they would like things ready
broken for them.

Too Obvious.
JiNKINs has already received a box of game from the moors, for-
warded by young LACKASH, who owes him a heap of money. He
calls it a delicate attention. We think it is grouse flattery.


Tur Aquarium stood by the old chain pier,
And during the spring of the present year,
Said the engineer,
The time, 'tis clear,
For crowning the edifice soon will be here.
Many a reservoir, many a tank,
With rocky bottom, or sandy bank,
Stood ranged around in that building fine,-
In truth wouldd have proved a noble shrine,
If they had but completed the whole design;
But for that, you perceive,
They couldn't get leave,
Without incurring the reprobation
Of the wise jackdaws of the Corporation.
One morning they saw
A little jackdaw
Settle down on the roof with a sapient caw,
In the vestibule
So shady and cool
He hopped about with his little foot-rule,
And he measured this and he measured that,
From the crowning ridge to the lowest flat-
And he said, Ho, ho!
I'd have you know,
You've gone two inches more than you ought to go.
And that clock tow'r
For telling the hour-
You can't erect it, you haven't the power ;
I mean in fact
To be very exact
And to make you build strictly according to Act!"
And all the jackdaws
Re- echoed his caws,
And said, You of course must attend to the laws "I
So they marked out the rum line,
With straight-edge and plumb-line,
And bade them not swerve a hair's breadth from their thumb-line.
So the Chair, LEE, and LORD,
Who kept watch and ward,
O'er the building, exclaimed with uncommon accord,
"For obstructing our scheme by this splitting of straws,
May the deuce fly away with those silly jackdaws!"

fip! hip! and Hooray!
All Brighton is gay,
They open the Brighton Aquarium to-day:
Where fish of all ranks,
May be visited, thanks
To the efforts of those who've worked hard at the tanks :
There are flounders and dabs,
And lobsters and crabs,-
Blue fish, and green fish, and red fish, and grey fish,
Dog fish, and cat fish, and sun fish and cray fish,
(Of the latter, some say that their proper name's craw fish)
And oysters, and mussels for those who like raw fish.
There are whelks, there are whales,
Sea-slugs and sea-snails,
And all kinds of fishes with scales or with tails.
But there's one thing just now
Which the jackdaws allow,
Is by far the most prominent thing of the bunch-
The directors mean standing champagne and a lunch!
'* *
At last the vice-chair
Has a toast to declare,
And he rises up with a mischievous air;
With a merry tone and a cheerful laugh
He gave the jackdaws their measure of chaff.
He chaffed the surveyor, he chaffed the may'r,
He chaffed them here and he chaffed them there,
He chaffed them in all sorts of seasons and weathers,
In their robes, like the peacock's borrowed feathers,
He chaffed them for spouting and shouting and talking,
He chaffed them in sitting in standing in stalking,
He chaffed them for this, and he chaffed them for that,
Till the Corporation all thought they sat
On cushions stuffed with pins and with needles,
From the first of the Aldermen down to the beadles.


Now these silly jackdaws are all very sore,
And utter their caw,
With disgust and awe--
But let's hope that they'll never do so any more;
But in future strive all they can to increase
The Aquarium's objects in quiet and peace;
Or 'mid general applause,
Instead of jackdaws,
The public may possibly christen them geese!

SmI,-I see by the English papers thatone person has been complaining
because his neighbour keeps boas and anacondas in his back garden-
or rather does not keep them there, but allows them to escape.
Another person murmurs because a large baboon from next door will
come over the wall and play at puss in the corner with his wife.
What would these people say if they resided as I do on the Continent,
and had next door to them such institutions as I have. On my left is
an Industrial School for orphan fleas. The hours of study are from
nine to twelve and two till five, and during the interval the little
pupils play leap-frog in all directions. I assure you when the two
o'clock bell rings and they hurry back to their teachers, there is a
rustle all through the house as of the wind in the branches of
Vallombrosa. Some of the little fellows board at the school, but I
have nocturnal evidence to prove that most of them are merely day-
boarders. On my right I have an orthopcedioc hospital for decayed
barrel-organs. I cannot say that the unhappy creatures trespass
much, but the groans of some of the poor sufferers during operations
are painful to a sensitive mind. In the house opposite mine, a retired
naval officer devotes his time to teaching navigation to weevils and
cockroaches. The latter when the wind is high are sometimes blown
out of the rigging of the model ship in his back-garden into our soup-
kettle. After this I trust the murmurers I have named will become
reconciled to their baboons and boas.

[We cannot return unaccepted M .SS or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsiblefor loss.]
BILL.-We cannot honour you with a place in our columns. Do not
renew your attempt, for such a Bill will ever be at a discount.
BuGLEMAN.-You need not do a key-bugle in our interests.
E. C. (Douglas).-Stamps for -.ack numbers, subscriptions, etc., should
be sent to the Publisher not the Editor, in order to ensure immediate
SPES.-But the verses were a hopelessly bad spes-imen.
PaOFESSOR (Hastings).-We fail to see why we should send you ten
shillings in stamps for obtruding on us a rdchauffi of a joke made some
weeks since in Shorthand Notes." Don't know what you profess,"
but hope you don't practise" this sort of thing often!
A. B. (Charing Cross).-We are unfeignedly sorry for you. It will be
a great deprivation to you.
0. J. L. (Guildford).-We quite sympathise with your desire to conceal
your name in connection with that MS. Our waste-paper-basket is dis-
cretion itself!
ALPHA.-We have seen a Bet(t)a!
J. H. S. 0. (Wyverby).-We do not recognize the ecclesiastical law in
the matter of Acrostics. We beg leave to represent to you that jokes
should not be admitted into sermons-but you will pardon our ignorance,
as sermons are not our metier.
K. (Bevis Marks).-When a stamped and directed envelope has come
with a rejected MS., we do not notice it in this column, but return it with
as little delay as we can.
- J. W. (Strand).-We have no recollection of the matter.
W. M. (Dalston).-No, it was not worth it-so we didn't send it.
H. W. L. B.-Thanks for the suggestion.
MAncus.-We do not consider "trials" and "smiles," and "saw" and
"adore," comic rhymes. They are no rhymes at all-and quite the reverse
of comic, simply melancholy.
B. R.-Make haste and supply us with another peg for a joke.
Declined with thanks :-L. V. R., Charlotte-street; C. H. W.. Hornsey;
J. F. P., City; W. H. E.; G. K., Glasgow; J. L. Ramsay; R. B., Guilford-
street; Home, Sweet Home; Coster; F. D., Dalston; R.,Brompton; W. S.;
Brixtonian; Cricket; M. B., Islington; B. R. S.; F. T., Liverpool;
Milesian, Belfast; P. B., High Holborn; E. P., Holloway-road; Toodles;
-, Junior Naval and Military; J. W. D., Lee; W. W. J., Streatham Hill;
B. J. W., Southport; W. T., Seymour-street; P. P. A. G., Old Weston-
street; W. M., Kentish Town; J. T.; J. R., Liverpool; St. Monday;
Doodledum; Q., Kingsland; S. W.; E. H. L., Bromley; T. K., Win-

AUGUST 24, 1872.1


[AUGUST 24. 1872.

english TProprietor to his Groom :-" Is THERE A PADLOCK ON THAT OAT-BIN, JEM
Jem : r-" No, SIR."

IN Good Words we have an appreciative memoir of the late Editor, an
interesting bush story, and the continuation of the two leading stories.
We are glad to welcome a little song from EDWARD CAPERN, who seems
to be getting too idle to warble nowadays.
Saint Paul's is to be purchased this month by all means, if only for
MR. BucOANAN's perhaps too cruel squib about the Monkey and the
Microscope." Barney Geoghegan" is funny, and in fact the whole
number is an extra good one.
The Sunday Magazine maintains its high statue, both in point of
literature and in excellence of illustration.
Our Young Folks' Weekly Budget would be a grand threepenn'orth,
if only because it contained half a dozen clever drawings of MR.
PROCTOR's about certain awful giants.
Good Words for the Young continues its serials, which (though we
could ill spare "the Deserted Ship," "the Travelling Menagerie,"
or even "the Dutch Admirals ") seem to us to somewhat overweight

the magazine. Variety is, after all, the most desirable feature in
periodicals for the young.
The Ladies is improving very rapidly, and bids fair to become the
representative journal of the fair sex, without being so entirely devoted
to frills and tatting as to make itself unwelcome to the lords of
Received-The Young Ladies' Journal; The Gentleman's Journal;
Colburn's New Monthly; The People's Magazine; The Young Gentliman's
Magazine; Golden Hours ; Sunday Magazine; Leisure Hour; Nautical
Magazine; Westminster Papers; Gardeners' Magazine.

On Wednesday next, the 28th,
Thanet Record, and Chronicle of all the Celebrities.

BOYS' SUITS, 16s. TO 45s.



Printed by JUDD & CO, Phamnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the ProprzetorJ. at 80, FLeesttreet, B.C. London: August 24, 1872.

AUGUST 31, 1872.]

E .uiNf.

COME let us take the Eagle boat,
The day is bright and shiny;
A holiday we will devote,
As soon as we can get afloat,
To sniffing of the briny!
Although the waves be mountains high-
In short, are Appeniny;
We will not at the peril cry,
But calmly wet our other eye,
While sniffing of the briny!
We'll take a glass of calid, cum,"
Or else of frigid, sine;
Of brandy, whiskey, gin, or rum,
Until we're getting frolicsome
While sniffing of the briny !
We'll pass the jest, and sing the song,
As soon as we are winey;
And so we'll pass the time along,
And cheer the hearts of all the throng,
While sniffing of the briny!
And gaily thus will we proceed,
Until we're feeling diney,
And then we'll have a jolly feed-
Oh, can't one eat a lot indeed,
While sniffing of the briny !
Then after all we'll take a nip,'
A glass of brandy tiny;-
A stopper-over-all "s the tip,
Whene'er you dine on board a ship,
While sniffing of the briny.
And go I'll lay you Lombard Street
Against an orange Chiney,
That when on land you set your feet,
You'll own you never had a treat
Like sniffing of the briny.

An apt Quotation.
WE do not know what is the Margate motto for
Paterfamilias. That of the olive-branches is ocean cume

Importunate and persistent youth :-" ERE YER ARE, SIR, COME ALONG ;
[Yf.B. Angelina is engaged to Edwin.

[THE special correspondent whom we have at .considerable trouble
and expense-sent out to Margate in the interests of our readers, sends
us the following account of his investigations
Margate is built on the banks of the boundless ocean. I discovered
that almost as soon as I arrived here. The intelligent native who is
looking over my manuscript says that Margate has no banks; but
this I know to be untrue, as I cashed the cheque you sent me yesterday,
and am ready for another.
The pier and the jetty are the principal fortifications of Margate.
Their appearances are very different. The pier is a white stone struc-
ture, while the jetty is, as its name denotes, of raven blackness. At
least it should have been had its projectors been consistent. I haven't
been on the pier since a man I met there finding I represented your
-widely circulated and elaborately edited paper thought it incumbent
upon him to make a pun, and thereby qualify himself for my society.
He said, We call this the pier because you can peer from it at the
people on the jetty." I turned and fled in horror, but was calmed by
the recollection that the "joke was at least as good as any of .those
made in LORD GRANVILLE'S recent great speech at Hastings. I prefer
the jetty, though, because there's no charge for admittance.
Bathing may be performed here by those who like it. I saw some
people in the sea, the other day, who actually seemed to be enjoying
themselves. I think, however, this sort of thing should be begun in
youth, and that an edict should be passed by Government that no
one shall be allowed to bathe away from home who cannot swim.
Bathing is best conducted from a machine. I saw an old gentleman
-undress himself at the foot of a cliff the other day, and the tide had
gone so far out by the time he had completed his preparations, that
he resumed his ordinary paraphernalia and reserved himself for a
future occasion. I discovered that the aborigines of Margate do not
bathe, and I fancy they must know best about it.
There are splendid opportunities for fishing on the sand at low

water. The only drawback is that there are no fish, if I miy except a
belated winkle or two, and a few crabs about the size of house-spiders.
There is, however, plenty of seaweed, of which I fancy my landlady
makes tea.
The principal productions of Margate are boat-,hotel-, and lodging-
house-keepers. There are also cliffs, donkeys, and brass bands and
bottled beer, and as you look to me for an opinion, I must decide in
favour of the latter (provided you deface the label), as alone 1,kely
to be without guile.
Beware of hotels where the waiter's stereotyped remark is, It's
very good, sir." A friend of mine objected the other day to being
served with gin and ginger-beer, when be had ordered hock and
seltzer; and the only satisfaction he could obtain was the assurance,
"But it's very good, sir." This is one only of a dozen instances of
similar business at the same house; and the worst of it is, that it is
not a joke but a fact.
And so having got down to stern realities and the end of my powers
of observation, I will have off and take some refieshment. Waiter,
a bottle of Bass."

A Hawk's Eye.
AT the late meeting of the British Association, Mu. HAWKSHAW
stated his conviction that coal may be found under the chalk on his
own estate,-the pleasantest piece of news we have met with for many
a day- in Black and White. Let him take a chalk !

His Mark.
A SIMPLE cross is all that is needed to mark the candidate to whom
the voter gives a preference-yet there are those to be found who
complain that this is the crux of the illiterate!

Hint to Fire Insurance Companies.
A THEATBE should be assessed at a doubly hazardous premium when
the manager fills his house with paper.




F IGoSfT 31, 1872.

Augustus, with a roar of irreverent laughter :-" MY LOVE, I ONLY MEANT CAPTAIN CLIFTON'S YACHT IN THE ACT OF TACKING I"
[Oh, Blissful Reconciliation !

COME, come with me unto the pier
Wherd we will promenade, my dear,
Or on the sand,
-We'll do the grand,
While hark'ning to the Margate band.
In Society
Never let's say, die.
Awake, awake, the moon is high,
(I know you're list'ning on the sly)
Oh, peerless maid,
Don t be afraid,
For you, my love, I'd freely die.
In Society
We mayn't tell a lie.
Come look alive, don't be so slow,
Among the dancers let us show.
Through Seaside Hall
Let's take our crawl,
You as my belle with me for beau.
In Society
One must not be shy.

Archaeological Mem.
OUn readers may not be aware that the pier at Margate was built by
the eminent architect RENNIE-or rennie other man.

END of Session. Departure of Ministers for Margate, incog.
Anxious to see FUN's special Margate Double Number. = CaILDERS
returned for Pontefract. LoanRD POLLINGTON'S four-leaved shamrock
lopks very green! =WHALLEY devoted the last minutes of the Session
to damaging the cause of the Claimant. Save me from my Whalley-
able friends! = Grouse crop more or less doubtful. Rather less
than moor. = The claimant has appeared at the Oxford Music Hall,
supported by the M.P. for Peterborough. It is not stated whether
MR. WHALLEY sang or not. = MR. Lows is at Dunrobin. We wish
he was going to have done taxing. = Riots at Belfast are still Bel-
fast and furious. = Riots ab out Licensing Bill at Exeter. Got up in
the interests of the Treble-X-ter party. = Statements that the French
Government had licensed gaming tables in provincial towns are
categorically denied." Well! they were dogmatically asserted.

IN Ireland, as might be expected, they seldom do things by halves:-
in fact we think we may venture to say that twice they slay the slain.
At any rate the Leeds Mercury tells us :-
A DESPATCH from Belfast states that one of the police barracks has been wrecked,
and POLICE-COMMISSIONER BAILEY was iDjured while charging the mob. Hous s
have been wrecked, and serious fighting was going on on Saturday morning. The
carman who was killed in the demonstration on Thursday is dead.
It appears that one of the principles of Home Rule is that no man is
to be allowed to be killed without dying.

Racing Eights.
WE have it on good authority that at the approaching Regatta the
most exciting contest will be between two eights. We allude to the
Ramsg-eight and the Marg-eight.

AUGusT 31, 1872.]





[AGousT 31, 1872.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesdag, Aug. 28, 1872.

Kwow yo the land where machines and buff-slippers
Are emblems of deeds which its pastimes combine;
Where people, alternately loungers and dippers,
Now loaf on the jetty now leap in the brine !
Know ye the lbnd of the brave and the free,
Of the Rooms of Assembly, and Hall by the Sea,
Where the Boat of the Husbands each Saturday stays,
And the sea-sick are chaffed in the rudest of ways ;
Where the winkle and shrimp are the fairest of fruit,
And the voice of the fish-sellers seldom is mute ;
Where, though lodgings are scarce and provisions are high,
Still crowds of the holiday Londoners fly,
And their minds unto jollity madly apply;
Whbre the girls are all fair, and the youths are all fine,
And there's lashings of spirits, of ale, and of wine!
It is Margate the Jovial; the subject of FUN,
Who smiles on its sands, on its sea, on its sun;
May its visitors thrive and enjoy themselves well,
And, returning to town, have such stories to tell!


\ Margate* who had got beyond
A, O his depth,t called lustily for
S succour.
"Anything 1 can do for
you? inquired the engaging
"Happy to serve you, I am
sure," said the accommodating
Command me," added the
w e y---ez earnest Crab.
"Gentlemen of the briny deep,"
exclaimed the gasping sava,,t, "I
am compelled to, decline your
friendly offices, but I tender you
my scientific gratitude; and as a
return favour I beg with this my
last breath, that you will accept
thefreedom of the BrightonAqua-
rium, and make it your home "
bu This tale proves that scientific
Moral gratitude is quite as bad as the
natural sort.
A man carrying a sack of corn up a high ]adder propped against a
wall, had nearly reached the top, when a powerful hog passing that
way leant against the bottom to scratch his hide.
"I wish," said the man, speaking down the ladder, "you would
make that operation as brief as possible; and when I come down I
will reward you by rearing a fresh ladder especially for you."
"This one is quite good enough for a hog," was the reply, "but I
am curious to know if you will keep your promise; so I'll just amuse
myself until you come down."
And taking the bottom rung in his mouth, he moved off, away from
the wall. A moment later he had all the loose corn he could garner,
but he never got that other ladder.
Moral: an ace and four kings is as good a hand as any one can hold
in draw poker.
A stone which had lain for centuries in a hidden pla-e complained
to Allah that remaining so long in one p osition was productive of
"If thou wouldst be pleased," it said, "to let me take a little
exercise now and then, my health would be the better for it."
So it was granted permission to make a short excursion, and at once
began rolling out into the open desert. It had not proceeded far
before an ostrich, who was eating a keg of nails thoughtfully placed
there for the purpose, left his repast, dashed at the stone, and gobbled
it up.
This narration teaches the folly of contentment; if the ostrich had
been content with his nails he would never have eaten the stone.
I don't believe this.-TaNSLrToa. + This I believe.-TRANSLATOR.

A cook and a hen were speaking of the size of eggs. Said the cock:
"I once laid an egg-"
0, you did !" interrupted the -hen with a derisive cackle, "Pray
how did you manage it ?"
The cock felt injured in his self-esteem, and turning his back upon
the hen addressed himself to a brood of young chickens.
"I once laid an egg-"
The chickens chirped incredulously, and passed on. The insulted
bird reddened in the wattles, with indignation, and strutting up to the
patriarch of the entire barnyard repeated his assertion. The patriarch
nodded gravely, as if the feat were an everyday affair, and the other
I once laid an egg alongside a watermelon, and compared the two.
The vegetable was considerably the larger."
This fable is intended to show the absurdity of hearing all a man
has to say.
Two whales seizing a pike attempted in turn to swallow him, but
without success. They finally determined to try him jointly, each
taking hold of an end, and both shutting their ey<-s for a grand effort,
when a shark darted silently between them biting away the whole
body of their prey. Opening their eyes they gazed upon one another
with much satisfaction.
"I had no idea he would go down so easily," said the one.
"Nor I," returned the other; "but how very tasteless a salmon is."
The insipidity we observe in most of our acquaintances is largely
due to our imperfect knowledge of them.
A snake tried to shed his skin by pulling it off over his head; but
being unable to do so was advised-by a woodman to slip out of it in
the usual way.
But," said the serpent, this is the way you do it !"
"arue," exclaimed the woodman, holding out the hem of his tunic;
"but you will.observe that my skin is brief and open. If you desire
one like that, I think I can assist you."
So saying he chopped off about a cubit of the snake's tail; and it
had the desired effect.
The moral is that an effect desired by one may not be agreeable to
another, differently situated.
An oyster who had got a large pebble between the valves of his
shell, and was unable to get it out, was lamenting his sad fate, when
-the tide being out-a monkey ran to him, and began making an
"You appear," said the monkey, "to have get something else in
here, too. I thick I'd better remove that, first."
With this he inserted his paw, and scooped out the animal's
essential part.
Now," said he, eating the portion he had removed, I think you
will be able to manage the pebble yourself."
To apprehend the. lesson of this fable one must have some experience
of the law.

A note for Antiquaries.
IT is recorded in history that Margate was a favourite resort of
William the Third, who frequently embarked there for Holland. The
inhabitants-especially those who let lodgings-are still noted for
their attachment to his memory. They put Bills in their windows
when their rooms are not occupied, and-when they get lodgers they
continue to make much of their Bill.

Vote and Interest.
THE Ballot, it appears, will not have the effect of inducing an
increased percentage of the electors to vote-ia .point of fact at
Pontefract-a Ponte-fraction-amounting to about -one-third of the
whole body of electors, abstained from voting.

Not bad for you, ma'am.
Miss PEALAMOP was seated on the jetty one Ssturday afternoon.
"Is that the husbands' boat ?" asked a neighbour pointing to a dis-
tant trail of smoke. "Yes I spouse it is," said Mas. P.

Straight from the shoulder.
No ardent sportsman will clamour for the abolition of the House of
Lords;-tramping through the stubbles, breech-loader in hand, he
appreciates to the full the value of a Second Chamber."



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IFTJ1"*T.-AuGUST 31, 1872.



AuUSTr 31, 1872.1

F U 93


EAR away o' the wea-
V thor bow, splice the
left hand button of
the main brace, all
hands aloft the main sheets,
Ease ar stop ar go on a-head,
and away we madly career past
the London, St. Katherine, East
and West India Docks, en route
for Margate. It is jolly, the
sniff of the briny and of un-
limited stale tobacco, boat's
sails and Bass' ales, concer-
tinas and pilot coats, &c., &c.
Character ? oh, plenty, and
veryfine studies too! but why (o
people (No.1) bring out enor-
moas telescopes to survey
wharves and shipping ten
yards off P
One thing at all events there
is about a boat-full of Margate- o.
bound human nature. No. 4.
It's always jolly, and full
of fun and excitement, and smothered and drowned themselves in heaps and heaps of luggage ; but
No. 1. obliging teoo-for how else can no matter, the time had corne. Margate was reached. The "Eagle"
you account for the amateur comic vocalist (No. 2) who knows every had swooped on its spray.

No. 2. No. 5. No. C.
one of the music hall songs from beginning to end; or the senti-
mental warbler (No. 3) who is a trifle shaky in his upper G in the most 1z
ecstatic portion of Mary Blane?"
But it was too bad of our accordion minstrel (No. 4) to wait until we
had passed the Nore to sing Dr. Bolus, "now then my pals, chorius," MUM
"Is any one ill, is any
one ill"
Here's a "funnel little
joke": Jones (No.5) takes I
Sup a commanding posi-
tion in close proximity
to the chimney, and
then imagines the sun
is wonderfully warm at
his back.
Ah! here we are at
the Reculvers at last,
with the sun shining
brightly and a beauti-
ful breeze. "This ere's
proper and no error! "
remarked a sweet youth
(No. 6) just emerged
S from the vasty depths of
a foaming tankard. It's
true upon arrival at the
jetty our pleasures
__ were dashed by a raid
-o rof white-smoker d por- "
No. 3. terso who scrambled and AN NUrUY SUN.


[AUGoST 31, 1872.

(Ora Board a Fishing Smnack.)

THE production of a travestie twenty years after its original had
been tried and failed, would have the appearance of a treat for the
old folks, were it not that persons with two decades' experience of the
London stage are, as a rule, too wise to trust their ears to the tender
tickling of modern burlesque. Certainly we should think that of the
well-filled house which witnessed the production of Mu. REECE's "bit
of moonshine in three rays," there were not half a dozen who had seen
the Ptincess's drama, not a dozen who had heard of it; and therefore
we arc bound to believe in the truth of the apparently paradoxical
statement, that burlesque need not be burlesque at all if tha dresses
are scant and the breakdowns plentiful. As both these conditions are
complied with in The Vampire, it may be considered a perfectly
triumphant effort of genius in this particular line, more especially as
no recognisable reference is made to anything of a general character.
MR. TEARY plays the leading part with ability, and sings a We sh and
French medley very well. Miss BELLA GOODALL sings something
about her "native little Strand," which is much applauded by the
gods, who possibly accept the statement literally, and the remainder
of the company have for the most part little to do but exhibit their
MR. J. A. CAvE's two-night venture at the Surrey Theatre has, we
trust, proved a complete pecuniary success. On the occasion of our
visit the chief items in the programme were two songs and five mur-
ders by the beneficiaire, who undauntedly accomplished his purpose to

the delight of a numerous audience. Next in order of notice is the
peculiarity of intermittent brogue, no one engaged in the drama of
Kathleen Mavourneen, with the exception of MR. CAVE, being able to
stray more than half a sentence a time from his or her own vernacular.
The effect of this was somewhat surprising, and forcibly reminded us
how useful would have teen that actor who delighted an Adelphi
audience a short time back, by playing a Spanish grandee of the
highest rank with a powerful Galway accent.

Go to Bath.
SNEERWELL, who has just returned from Margate, says that people
write to the papers about the indecorum of the bathing. He thinks
there's less indecorum than Terpsichorum, and describes the dancing
as a sort of watercan-can.

Musical Mem.
WE understand that an eminent composer of comic songs is
re-arranging the old melody, Come unto' these yellow sands." It
is intended for the jolly dogs who make night musical at Margate.
The first line will be "Come unto this yell-oh jetty."

A Pleasant Bush.
TURmNPIKE are not yet things of the past in rural distriots-we
should like to see JOHN BULL go at them-like a Bull at a Gate!

AuGUsT 31, 1872.]


I IOAF on the Parade,
I linger on the Jetty;
I hear afar off played,
An air from Donizetti;
I smoke cigars, I watch the ocean,
And don't like violence of motion.
1. Since Thanet's soil is sandy,
You will not not find this handy.
2. A "pilgrim of love,"
On the cliffs up above,
Of his passion so restless was singing,
And shouted as if,
Of his loved one each cliff
He'd fain set with echoes a-ringing.
3. Two and two,
The schools you view,
Marching to the beach;
And to guard againstt disaster,
A pastor or master,
Walks solemnly after each.
4. Bring forth the steed! "-
But a sea-side mount
Is a horse, indeed,
Of little account.
5. He talked of common objects of the shore,
Laid them in orders, species, by the scoe :
I rather think we counted him a bore !
6. Of course I disputed a boatman's claim,
And I called the knave no flattering name,
He said it was this, and declared it a shame.
7. Poor MOLEBLINK, who's unable
To see clearly, I suppose,
Tripped last evening o'er a cable,
And has hurt his little nose.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 284. Autumn Recess :
Ashlar, Ullage, lic, Usance, Miss, Nuss.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIC No. 284 received 21st
August:-Ruby's Ghost; Iloptop; Cuff; Sidos; Original Kittens;

Appearances are deceitful.
THOss who were privileged to see our iron-clad fleet
at Portland have carried away a high opinion of its
sterling qualities-but the vessels were only plated."

r% ~
/ -1-

Boatman :-" FISHING, SIR, YES, SIR "
Tom Noddy (cot at all a good sailor) :-" GOOD DAY, EH ? "

EVERYBODY of course is aware that the Vehioulunm Balneariaum
Marinim, or Bathing Machine of commerce, which grows so plentifully
on the sands, was first discovered at Margate. The invention was due
to a Quaker of the name of BEALE. Although he failed to realize a
fortune, but on the contrary was ruined and died in the workhouse,
his memory is still held in reverence by the inhabitants, and monuments
are frequently built in his honour. These monuments take the form
of a box-on four wheels, and may be seen from the space in front of
the Hall by the Sea with the naked eye. The wandering Ethiop, in
his public capacity of troubadour, thus touchingly alludes to our
Friend-to the air of Lucy Neale :-
In Margate lived a Quaker erst-
Named BENJAMIN, and BEAL ;
To build Machines he was the first,
Wherein can bathers peel.
Luckless MR. BEALE ;
If you'd ta'en a patent out, you might have made a deal!
It is conjectured that the classical bard had MR. B. in his eye when
he spoke about the Deus ex Machind, meaning that his bathing machines
played the Deuce with him.

Sic fat-ur.
WE clip the following interesting advertisement from the Manchester
Evening Mail:-
WANTED, a FAT MALE or FEMALE, to travel and exhibit with a Giantess :
must weigh ovsr 20 stone: constant situation: good salary and comfortable
home.-Apply personally, J. B., &e.
This is a stoutly worded notice, with no half and half measures about
it:-Any one who can boast of twenty stone may make his bread.
We wonder if there will be many Claimants!

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accon.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold oursepel
responsible for loss.]
D. 0. N. T.-We hope that the joke struck you so severely as to defy
B. (Oswestry).-" The little Boy met with a deserved fate, we should
have cut the cake, and given a cut to him too, for being so unrhythmical.
Besides at this time of the year little boys should go to Margate, not to
E. A. P. (Princes'-square).-We refuse 'eaps that are better than those.
J. F. (Manchester).-Such a buffer as you ought to know all about
CARTER AND GILDER.-Cannot you give a grain of sense ?
T. S. M. (Fulham-road).-Really if you will spoil pens, waste ink, and
deface paper, we don't see why we must send a cheque by return."
A. L. (Padiham).-Your intentions are very much better than your
friend's verification.
MRS. H. (Sherborne).-No, thanks.
QuaRIST.-It's Margate from Tuesday till Friday; and Par-and-Margate
from the time of the arrival of the husbands' boat till the Mondaf.
H. D. G. (Threadneedle-street).-Stamp forfeited, and MS. waste-paper-
basketed ;-for two reasons. You did not attend to our rule, and you sent
us an unwarrantable plagiarism of Mr. Sketchley's Mrs. Brown.
D. (Melton Bowling).-Please send for it.
Declined with thanks:-A. W., Edinburgh; J. E.; Veto; Hobnails;
Savans, etc.; R. R. S., Stratford; W. G. A., West Smithfield; D. N.; H.,
Gateshead-on-Tyne; H., Burton-on-Humber; F. L.: S., Liverpool;
McK., Gower Place; W. N., Sussex-road; Alphie; J. W. L., Greenock;
A. J., Camden-road; W. W. C., Edinburgh; H. S., Finsbury; H., York;
-, Nottingham; Anceps; P. W., Lincoln; S., Kingsland; Slyboots;
Awful Cuss; V. V.; F. M., Kingsland: T., Stoke; -, Warwick; Volun-
teer; T. W.; Doctor; Villikins; D., Leeds; Florist; B. L., Islington; R.,
Newcastle; Weariful; P., Strand.

96 iE'UJ'SY. [AUGUST 31, 1872.


I '\
t;T-*~- ,Q ___ fl~-.- -
II ------.zz~7 N-

Mr. Periwinkle (to fellow mer.bers of the Pebbleologic Club) :-" AH, MY PRIENDS-HERE IS MATTER FOR CONGRATULATION -PERHAPS
Voice from the Sea :-" DROP THEM THERE SHOES O' MINE-OLD FELLER! I'M A-WATCHIN' OF YER!" [Sensation.

THE Whole Duty of Man at Margate is to wear yellow slippers.
Ladies adorned with shoes of that description are nautically described
as the buff-alow gals."
The dabs of red jelly to be fond on the rocks at low water are not
strictly edible. They are individuals of the Anemone species. The
word "Anemone may be variously pronounced: e.g.-Aynymony,
Anighmony, Annymoany, Annymonigh, or Aynymoan. There is
however only one correct mode of pronunciation, which of course we
need not indicate.
The periwinkle is very susceptible of the power of music. If you
purchase a pint of them already-boiled, assist them out of their shells
with a pin, and place them on the table close to the piano while you
play a lively air, they will remain perfectly motionless.
On the sands it is better for girls to wear button boots, and not shoes
and sandals or they'll find some extra sand'll get into them.
If you meet a young lady going towards the green near the Clifton-
ville, it is not polite to tell her she looks fair and Fort-y."

Margate pork is very highly spoken of; and the place is also noted
for its Clifton-veal.
MARGATE has bells in its church,
Whose chimes are uncommonly pretty;
But they're constantly left in the lurch
For the charms of the belles on the jetty.

My Eyes I
IN a recent police case at Bow street an eccentric scripture-reader"
was fined for being drunk and disorderly, although he wildly denied
the soft impeachment, while admitting that he could not altogether
explain the circumstances which had brought him to this pass. We
can! The report describes him as:-
A well-dressed young man, wearing a profusion of light hair and sprctieles.
There's the reason! A man wearing a profusion of spectacles must
have seen more than double, of course!

BOYS' SUITS, 16s. TO 45s.




THE cry is still They're rising,
With rapidity surprising! "
And the news is very bad;
With the winter drawing near,
And everything so dear,
Our prospects are but sad.
What disasters could be harder !
Empty grate and empty larder,
Are enough to drive folks mad.
1. The Yankees vow they're very nice,
And always they partook of 'em:-
I'd eat them- not at any price!-
I do not like the look of 'em.
2. Master Tommy, here's a fruit
Which I think your taste will suit.
Take and eat it then, but mind
Where you fling away the rind.
3. Within the central open space
Stood gladiators face to face ;
With blow and stab, with cut and thrust,
They purpled all the thirsty dust.
But, lo, one staggers-stumbles see,
He sinks exhausted on his knee :
Will he the people's mercy gain ?
They have no mercy-he is slain.
4. A mouth that grins from ear to ear,
A face expressive as a pumpkin,-
Hobnails-a billycock-and here,
Behold the bumpkin!
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 285. Autumn Drudge ;
Abed, Uproar, Thou, Upland, Mug, Nightmare.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OP AcROSTIC No.285, Received 28th August:-
The Piggery; Blandford Camp; Alfti; D. E. H.; Charkly and Ti;

Wart an absurdity.
AN American paper states that a girl in Illinois has
drowned herself because of having warts on her hands.
We have known girls driven to all sorts of disasters by
persistent chaps, but this is the first instance of warts
inducing a young person to drown herself. Perhaps she
was only trying Wart-er Cure.

A PEW nights back MR. UNDERSHERIFF BEARD was presented by his
friends with a handsome testimonial, consisting of some articles of plate
and an illuminated inscription. The ceremony of presentation was
conducted by SIR JOHN BENNETT, after an excellent repast, at the Star
and Garter, Richmond, the sheriff dilating on the many virtues, both
public and private, of his deputy, and expressing his extreme pleasure
in performing the task imposed on him. In reply, Mn. BEARD referred
with some emotion to his long connection with City matters, and
warmly thanked the gentlemen who had given him so lasting a proof
of their regard. Several other speeches were made, and some good
songs were excellently sung by the musical party under the direction
of Mn. AmNSLEY CooK, before the guests departed.
The recent Margate Yacht Race maybe, without doubt, regarded as
a complete success, as the competitors were numerous and the finishes
close and exciting. The vessels were divided into three classes, the
first being won by Mn. MOSELEY'S Eudora, the second by Mn.
TELFonD FIELD'S Dione, and the third by MR. BAYLY'S Arrow. The
day was at first rather damp and gloomy, but at the time of the start
the sun shone out splendidly, and there was plenty of that essential to
yacht-racing, wind. In fact, so far as our representative was con-
cerned there was rather too much, and the result of a journey once
round the course on the committee's steam yacht was such as to deprive
him of the power of entering into further particulars.

Trotting him out.
THE energetic proprietor of the North Woolwich Gardens has
originated a novel entertainment in the shape of a Postman's Race.
It may be opportunely remarked, that if letter-boxes were more
generally affixed to the doors of the public, the Postman's race in real
life would not so often be a waiting one.


Visitor :-"MR. THOMrsow IN ?"
Irish Servant :-" No, siR; HE AIN'T COME 'OM1 YET, SIR !"
smi "

(Dedicated at a distance to the author of The Arrow and the Song.")
I LENT a fiver unto a friend,-
He managed somehow that to spend;
And its equivalent, since that night,
Never, as yet, has blest my sight!
Accepted I a certain bill-
Do that again I never will,
For who, that so has once been done,
Knows not how swiftly a bill will run ?
The first friend answered sure, you joke!"
When I about my fiver spoke :
And the bill, from beginning to end,
I had to pay for the other-friend.

A Knock-down Blow.
A MAN, the proud possessor of knock-me-downs," was brought up
at Wandsworth Police-court the other day for plying his trade on
Putney Common. He informed the magistrate that his average
earnings were about ten pounds a day, and But here, stop!
Somebody come and look after this periodical while we go and buy a
set of "knock-me-downs"!

More Light Wanted.
WE see announced a work entitled Gas, and All about it. We trust
its author has thrown some light on that very obscure article. For
instance, we hear about gas with the illuminating power of three
candles ;" does this mean that one must have three candles-we have
very often to employ one-to see whether the gas is alight or not ?


SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.1

98 U N [SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, 'pt. 4, 1872.
WHAT statesmen canthe world produce
As wise and strong of will
Who framed the License Bill ?
No more-
He swore-
Should men get tight
On swipes cr old October;
A Law
He'd draw
Should keep them right,
And force them to be sober :-
He'll make us all. 'tis his intent,
Sober by Act of Parliament-
(So terribly sober
We shan't taste e'en Robur)-
Sober by Act of Parliament.
Now Acts of Parliament, of course,
Were never known to fail,
In making p-ople good by force,
Of threatening them with jail;
And so,
You know,
We'll all forswear
Oar swipes and old Oc:ober ;
By Act,
In fact,
We shall forbear,-
The Act will make us sober :
YVs, we shall be, whatever out bent,
Sober by Act of Parliament-
(So rigidly sober
We shall not taste Robur)-
Sober by' act of Parliament.
From hiccups, and from double sight,
To wean us, he'll prevail; -
He shows us Virtue on the right,
And on the left a jail!-
A BavRe
As wise and nice
Twixt now and next October !
He's sure
To lure
Us all from vice,
And force us to be sober,
Not sober by our own consent-
Sober-by Act of Parliament-
( o-stolidly sober
We would not sip Robur)
Sober, by Act of Parliament!

IT has been for a long time a puzzle among men of letters to trace
the recondite common source whence BoccAccio, and LA FONTAINE (who
both, it is pleasant to believe, died wishing they were among the
literary geniuses who "never wrote a line they desired to blot")
derived the stories which they tell, respectively, in the Docamaron and
Let Contes. We are glad to find the question set at rest by so high an
authority as the Margate correspondent of the Daily Telegraph, who
speaking of the "jetty chaff" says:-
Of such buffoonery one Boccaccio made up his marvellous budget of novels; of
similar ribaldry the stories of a certain La FIontaie are full.,
He gives specimens of the humour, which is lavished on the arrival of
the Husbands' Boat, in these degenerate days, but which once on a
time inspired a BoccAccIO, and a LA FONTAINE:-
Hope you've brought enough money down, Jones." Smith, I see your wife
at the 'All by the Sea last night." How many times have you been tight, Brown ?"
" Ahl! I dessay you have been grin' on anyhow in London;" Wny don't you
stop your old gal's tick for shrimps ?" These are among the impertinent queries
habitually addressed to the Benedicts disembarking from the steamers from
London or Thames Haven at the Jetty-head, who are b'und to run the gauntlet of
"chaff." The bearers 'of parcels are accused of dealing with the co-operative
societies of the metropolis to the detriment of the Margate tradespeople ; the
glimpse of a an meat tin provokes shouts of" Catsmeat !" "Vere's the
sewer I" Who fed his family on a penn'orth of paunch?"
We' shall look' for the appearance in our contemporary of humorous
articles sparkling with inspiration, from this fountain head.

WITHIN the memory of the oldest inhabitant of the turf, who I
believe keeps the Match Book on Newmarket Heath, by the kind per-
mission of ADMIRAL ROUS, there was never such a Leger known as the
present, that is, as the one which is to come. On paper it has been
demonstrated by the mcst prominent sporting oracles of the age, that
it is impossible for any one of the candidates to win, the development
of their badness being so fairly even that it has been decided by ajury
of compel ent authorities, who have sat upon the bodies of several horses
lately suffering from pencil fever, that it would be very unfair to the
public to name the winner until after the race, as it is within the
bounds of possibility that a dead-heat between the whole lot of starters
may take place. This is a sad state of affairs, especially for a friend
of mine, who depending upon the admitted superiority of Queen's
Messenger backed him heavily. I should have been very sorry for my
friend had it not been that he had laid out his money with me-com-
missions are executed here with punctuality and despatch-but in the
interest of friendship I will insert a couple or so of verses from the
couple of hundred he has sent me, which are entitled The Messenger's
Funeral Dirge; or, the Backer's Bereavement," and which will shortly
be published by subscription.
Who would have thought a short time back
That, ere the Leger day,
Struck out would be the foremost crack,
Because he couldn't stay ?
On Messenger I placed my quids,
I thought he was the best;
But him to start stern fate forbids,
'Tis said-he must have rest.
Affliction sore long time he bore,
VETS' doctrine was in vain,
As he went lame, they scratched his name,
And eased him of his pain.
I'd not have cared, had he been spared,
To run at any risk ;
I'd had some fun if he'd have run,
Because of hedging brisk.
I've no doubt you'll find that quite enough, but now I've kept my
promise I'm easier in my mind. It's much easier to give bold adver-
tisement to a fellow like this than to return his money, because that
has gone on the horse I, despite what other prophets may say, consider
will be the winner of this year's Great Doncaster St. Leger. So listen.
Come you who would the winner back,
And listen unto me,
I'll tell you which will be the crack,
And all the foremost three;
I'll tell you which will lead the van
O'er Doncaster Town Moor,
For I'm in fact the only man
Who can make winning sure.
Now see ride forth in all their pride,
The jocks in colours fine,
Look! look! they're off-their ranks divide,
They ride in single line.
Methinks I see three horses leave
The field and lead them elear,
And Wenlocki Sunbeam colt, Khedive,"
Is whispered in my ear.

Pretty Poll-emics!
A CONTEMPORARY states that:-
Next door to the City-road Chapel, where the Wesleyan Conference has been
sitting, the parrot, located in a quiet corner near the building, shadowed over by a
branch of a tree, has at t mes given forth in the gravest manner possible, Mr.
President-Mis-ter President (with emphasis), I rise to order 1"
This looks suspiciously as if there had been a great demand for orders
at the Conference,-as great a demand as poor editors suffer from at
the hands of country cousins and other economical supporters of the
drama. But the whole thing may be a profane joke of a," Polly-theist
of a Parrot" as the Ode to RAE WILSON has it.

A CORRESPONDENT of the Guardian says that at Chobham, the
birthplace of INIOO JONES, the perverted name of INDIGO is frequently
given to the children of the villagers, in honour of the great architect.
The City, as recognition of the regard shewn for the designer of St.
Paul's Cathedral, should present these Blues with admissions to, Christ's

SP.mBEsaB 7, 1872.]


[IN order to give the public a clear and comprehensive view
of the important strategic movements going on upon
Salisbury Plain, we have sent two reporters one to
attach himself to the invading forces, the other to the de-
fending forces. The result will be seen below.]
We have had our first battle, and, let me add with pride,
our first victory. GENERAL BRowNRIOa, our commander, has
achieved an undoubted success, and covered our arms with
laurels, none the less glorious for having been won from
so great an opponent as SIR ALFRED HORSFORD.
At nine o'clock in the morning, .we began to move towards
the field. Our Heavy Cavalry was-sent forward to Uhlan"
-a new military term, which means riding forward by twos
and threes, closely watching the surrounding country, and
getting a glass of ale when no one is looking, if you arrive
at a public. After a short -time, they encountered the Light
Cavalry of ,the foe similarly employed. Our gallant fellows
wished to ride them down at the bayonet's point, but on
receiving orders to retire, effected the movement in squares
with great preeiaion.
About this time, the Artillery began to open fire on'both
sides, .and a great noise they made. As the cannons, how-
over, were 'not -shotted, the damage was but slight, and I
mayay with confidence that our troops took not the slight-
est notice of the guns, but stood 'unmoved on -places which
would have been swept clean by the fire, if shot or shell had
been used. This steadiness -under fire is 'beyond praise,
"Meantime, our infantry.advanced, fours about, and in
squadrons, upon the village of Long Critchell, which was
the key of the enemy's position, though I do not see what
use a key could be when fthexe were no gates or anything
of that-sort to unlock.'
Presently, after we had occupied the village, the head of
a column of infantry echeloned on our centre, but by a
steady charge directly against them, our men outflanked
them completely. The gallant Kilkenny Militia now ad-
vanced at a gallop, shouting Remember the Cats !
Hurroo!" The enemy broke, and fled to lunch, and our
army, at the request of the umpires, withdrew for the same
The,victory, therefore, rests with us. I may add -with-
out, I hope, losing *my credit -for modesty, -that at one
critical moment I was enabled to avert what might have
been fatal toour arms. As the Rifles were debouching on
the plain, with piled arms, awaiting orders to advance, I
saw.a large body of cavalry coming stealthily up in ;their
rear. Setting spurs to my gig-(I find a gig more comfort-
able than riding, saddles are so hard)-I rode along the line
of Rifles, and gave the word of command-" Look out,
they're coming behind you. Fix bayonets, turn round and
charge!" Had the cavalry not turned out to be some of
our own regiments, I have no doubt the Rifles would have
obeyed my orders, and routed them, thus preventing their
own utter annihilation. I grieve to say that the officers of
the Rifles showed a great deal of unworthy jealousy at my
display of military acumen. One of them called me a fool.
-I am, etc.
In our very first contest with the invaders our army has
conquered them utterly. An undisputed victory is scored
up to Sin ALFRED HORSroRD, our general.
The engagement began about nine o'clock, in fact, as
soon as the officers and I had finished our breakfasts. Our
Light Cavalry advanced cautiously, feeling for the enemy,
whom it encountered not far from Hollydown. After a
short skirmish, both sides keeping the requisite two hun-
dred feet between them, the enemy's troopers turned and
fled, leaving a few empty bottles on the field. The main
body now advanced and took possession of several villages,
the principal one being Long .Critchell, which we held
against the repeated attacks' of .the invader. We; had, in
fact, seized upon a position which -the enemy wished to
carry, because, without it, he could not continue his ad-
vance. His object was, clearly, to try and lure us out on
Laflnceston Down, which offered an excellent field for a
general engagement. Our forces, however, had marched
quite as far as they cared to do, and it was. getting towards
the hour of .lunch, so we: contented ourselves with holding
the ridge.

The umpires, who had sent their 'luncheon on to Launceston Down, were
evidently rather put out at our success. But we remained in a state of masterly
inaction, knowing that the enemy could not carry our position, and relying upon
his need of refreshment to compel him to abandon his threatening attitude at
about half-past one.
The result did credit to our strategic foresight. At one o'clock, with the aid
of a field-glass, we could see several of the enemy's officers,eating sandwiches,
which they took out of their holsters. One had biscuits in his tail pocket, and
another was detected devouring cold German sausage. These signs of demoralisa-
tion were hailed with a cheer, and the enemy, imagining that this was the signal
for an assault all along the line, called in his outposts, and returned -to .camp.
By the bye, I may mention, although of course special reporters are supposed
to be noncombatants, that I surprised and captured your representative .on the
other side. A few miles from the scene of operations there is a very.cosy little
country inn. Thinking it not impossible that the tide of battle might setin that
direction, I thought it well to go and reconnoitre, for personal as well as strategic
reasons, because I thought its supplies might not be adequate -to -the calls of a
large army. Entering the parlour I discovered your representative, who was so
engaged in .eating that he did not notice my approach -till J presented a pencil
loaded with blacklead at his ear, and called on him -to surrender, which -he did
promptly. A Jarge mouthful of -ham and .eggs was .taken ,on him, but allowed
him to retainit, .satisfying myself with what remained on the dish.
Our campaign has, therefore, in every respect opened gloriously. 'We.have the
proud task of scoring the first and, as yet, most decisive victory fha.t has een won
in the campaign.
PAcEAL.Y DRAWN BY Oun OwN TiP-Toroaoamaxa.
Scale, seven miles to an inch or so.

+ There wasn't one of course, but I put it in because I draw elephants so well.
I This looks topsy-turvy, but that is owing to its being a bird's eye view.
There is no hill, but I think a hill always improves the landscape.
T This is only there when it rains.
II They don't fire shell, but this was a blot, and I didn't know what else to do with it.
N.B.-The proper way to understand this map is to fix your eye on the centre (Stone-henge)
.and then keep slowly turning the paper round and round until the meaning dawns upon you.
P.S.- If the British Public thinks there are apt elephants, enough, it is no fault of mire,
for the engravers cut out two or three.
NoTE.-Salisbury Cathedral doesn't quite occupy the place indicated, but the fact is I began
drawing. a elephant, but it wasn't gool, so I was obliged to make a Cathedral of it.

A. P. Peeps in at door and retires.

RUMOURED row between PRINCE OF WALES and the Admiralty,
because Royal Yacht fired nine-o'clock gun while the Admiralty Yacht
was in the Roads. Admiralty great guns blew up the Captain, but
the PmINCE took his part. Great gans finally apologised, but the
PRINCE would not let them off. This is only a report! = Autumn
Manoeuvres begin. We disapprove of one Autumn Manoeuvre-the
sending of soldiers to harvest in district where the labourers are on
strike. = Riots in Belfast have subsided. We should suggest turning
the two sets of rioters into an open space, and letting them arrange
matters-d la Kilkenny cats. = ARCHBISHOP TAIT has been indulging
in "Christian" language about "resident heathen," alluding to the
Hindoos and others settled in England. He'd better leave them alone
and turn his attention to the home-grown article. = MR. LowE is
made free of Wick. May he never be snuffed-out as ex luce lucellum."
=The Nottingham publicans complain that Vigilance Committees of
teetotallers are watching them. Short-sighted publicans! After a
little more vigilance the committeemen will prove good customers ;-
if nobody watches them.

A Reflection, but not a Consolation.
Tais world is full of compensations. The more prices go up, the
more we have to "come down" for everything.

Lima Rhyma.
There used to be an old rhyme which ran thus :-
Jump for joy, Jonathan,
Jump for joy, Jemima,
Jums for jay, Jonathan,
The French have takenLima.
To suit modem history this rhyme will have to be slightly altered.
The papers tell us that-
Lima has witnessed a "a smart little thing" in revolutions. The president,
Balta, has been assassinated byGuitterez, leader of a revolutionary movement, who
proclaimed himself Dictator, and was hanged by the people to a lamp-post
immediately after.
We should suggest something graphic and to the point like this:-
Guitterez he Balta slew,
But ere he could say I'm a
President," they hung him to
A lamppost there in Lima.

THE Saturday Review has an article on Legal Epidemics." A
friend of ours, who has been laid up for a long time as a client, says
he thinks the principal legal epidemic takes the form of frequent bill-
ious attacks, accompanied by every symptom of fee-ver.

11 FITJN .-SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.

\\ '* *!x ,'
IAy:^ 'C


\\\N' \

F Wi-

/ w

Dedicated to the Home Secretary.


AN old fox and two of her young were pursued by dogs, when one
of the cubs got a thorn in his foot and could go no farther. Setting
the other to watch for the pursuers, the mother proceeded, with much
tender solicitude, to extract the thorn. Just as she had done so, the
sentinel gave the alarm.
How near are they ? asked the mother.
Close by, in the next field," was the answer.
"The deuce they are!" was the hasty rejoinder. "However, I
presume they will be contented with a single fox."
And shoving the thorn earnestly back into the wounded foot, this
excellent parent took to her heels.
This fable proves that humanity does nothappento enjoy a monopoly
of paternal affection.
A man crossing the great river of Egypt heard a voice, which seemed
to come from beneath his boat requesting him to stop. Thinking it
must proceed from some river-deity, he laid down his paddle and said:
Whoever you are
that ask me to stop, I
beg you will let me go
on. I have been asked "- U
by a friend to dine with
him, and I am late."
"Should your. friend
pass this way," said the ---
voice, "I will show him -
the cause of your deten- ,.> -"'
tion. Meantime you -._, "-
must come to dinner with
Willingly," replied .-.. .-
the, man, devoutly, very '
well pleased with. so ex-
traordinary an honour; -
pray show me the

crocodile, elevating his
distending jaws above
the water and beckoning
with his tongue-" this
way, please."

being asked to dinner is
not always the same
thing as being asked to
An old monkey, de-
signing to teach his sons
the advantage of unity,
brought them a number
of sticks, and desired them to see how easily they might be broken,
one at a time. So each young monkey took a stick and broke it.
"Now," said the father, I will teach you a lesson."
And he began to gather the sticks into a bundle. But the young
monkeys, thinking he was about to beat them, set. upon him, all
together, and disabled him.
"There! said the aged sufferer, "behold the advantage of unity!
If you had assailed me one at a time I would have killed every
mother's son of you "
Moral lessons are like the merchant's goods; they are conveyed in
various ways.
A'wild horse meeting a domestic one, taunted him with his condition
of servitude. The tame animal claimed that he was as free as' the
"If that is so," said the other, "pray tell me the office of that bit
in your mouth."
"That," was the answer, "is iron, one of the best tonics in the
material mediaa.'
But what," said the other, is the meaning of the rein attached
to it?"
Keeps it from falling out of my mouth when I am too indolent to
hold it," was the reply.
How about that saddle "
"Fool! was the angry retort; "its purpose is to spare my
fatigue,; when I am tired, 1 get on and ride."
Tae moral of this fable is too deep for me.


Some doves went to a hawk, and asked him to protect them from
a kite.
That I will," was the cheerful reply; "and when I am admitted.
into the dovecote I shall kill more of you in a day than the kite did in
a century. But of course you know this; you expect to be treated in
the regular way."
So he entered the dovecote, and began preparations for a general
slaughter. But the doves, all. set upon him and made exceedingly
short work of him. With his last breath he asked them why, being
so formidable, they had not killed the kite. They replied that they
had never seen any kite.
This fable teaches so questionable a morality it may properly be left
to interpret itself.
A pig who had engaged a crayfish to pilot him along the beach in
search of mussels was surprised to see his guide start off backwards.
Your excessive politeness quite overcomes me,' said the porker,
"but don't you think it rather ill bestowed upon a pig F Pray don't
hesitate to turn your back upon me."
"Sir," replied the crayfish, "permit me to continue as I am. We
now stand to each other
in the proper relation of
employ to employer.
The former is excessively
obsequious, and the lat-
ter is-in the eyes of the
former-a hog."
The king of tortoises
desiring to pay a visit of
Smceremony to a neigh-
bouring monarch feared
that in his absence his
idle subjects might get
up a revolution, and
that whoever might be
T left at the head of the
State would usurp the
throne. So calling his
subjects about him he
addressed them thus :
"OI am about to leave
our beloved country for
a long period, and desire
to leave the sceptre in
the hands of him who is
most truly a tortoise. I
decree that you shall set
out for yonder distant
tree, and pass round it.
Whoever shall get back
last shall be appointed
l So the population set
out for the goal, and the
king for his destination. Before the race was decided, his majesty
had made the journey and returned. He found the- throne occupied
by a subject, who at once secured by violence what: he had won by
Certain usurpers are too conscientious to rFtain kingly power
unless the rightful monarch be dead; and thtse are the most danger-
ous sort.

A desert i'le.
THE Neapolitan journals report the discovery in Pompeii of a glass
bottle full of oil. Oil as a rule is supposed to pacify troubled waters;
but we doubt if such would be the effect of this indefinite term-oil,
which having lain so long in the ashes may fairly be described as
emb'r-oil. It is strange that no notice has -.been taken of the inscrip-
tion embossed on the bottle, as the maker's name is on soda water
bottles. It runs thus:-.
Our special Schoolboy says this means oleum habere pileum vostrum,"
which is literally translated "Ile have your hat."

A Compensation.
A CONTEMPORARY dprOpeps08- of the Woman's Rights Question says:-
There is no earthly reason why women cannot become medical men." ..-:
To be sure; there are lots of superannuated, medical men who become
old women.

SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.]

104 FU .

[SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.

Knowing old gent (who has only given the bare fare ,)-' WHY, WHAT'S THE DISTANCE, THERE'S THE SECOND MILESTONE JUST THE OTHER
Old gent (startled) :-"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?-WHITE HORSE!"

I NEvER-never did desire
A maiden blest with eyes of fire" ;
Because such flaming things mayhap
Might singe, if not consume, a chap.
I never did a' liking show
For maid whose "bosom was of snow";
Because frost-bitten one might be,
From hugging such a girl as she.
The maid with lips "like cherries ripe"
Has never been my passion's type ;-
Because, when autumn time had come,
You'd have to pick 'em-which is rum!
Noris the maid, who boasts a cheek
" Just like a peach," the one I seek:-
I never-be the truth revealed-
Enjoy a peach that isn't peeled.
The maid whose brow is "ivory white"
Would never give my heart delight:
Although it's good for paper-knives,
I don't like ivory in wives.
One taste I with the poets share-
I like a maid with golden hair;"-
But would she let me- deuce is in't!-
Stave it, and send it to the Mint!

My notion of a girl is this-
A girl that one may hug and kiss;
No ivory, or gold, or snow,
Or fire, or peach, or cherry !-No!
But just a girl-as girls now go.

"In for a Penny, in for"-13s. 6d.
HERE'S another example of the mild and Christian sway of "the
great unpaid ":- a
At Kingston-on-Thames on Thursday, William Taylor, a lad of 15 years, who, in
searching for mushrooms, had damaged a fence to the value of one penny, was
brought before the county bench, and pleading guilty, begged for mercy. The
chairman, hinting at the possibility of a 5 fine, ordered the boy to pay Is. and
128. 6d. costs, and, in default, sent him to prison for seven days.
So the poor lad for a penn'orth of damage to a hedge is to go to prison,
whence the probability is he will emerge with a knowledge of another
sort of "fence," and an inclination to get his living not by mushrooms
but by toads-tools, in the shape of burglars' implements.

An Explanation.
WE learn from a local paper that:-
At the Liverpool Assizes a man named M'Cabe has been indicted for having in
his possession feloniously and without lawfulexcuse, a certain mould on which was
impressed the stamp of both sides of the Queen's current silver coin called a shilling."
We hasten to inform the numerous admirers of that well-known enter-
tainer that this M'CABE is not MR. FREDERICK MACCABE-an explana-
tion rendered necessary by the fact that it is well-known that he
always coins money in the provinces.

SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.1


MY love, you might be beauty's queen;
A form to which the world would bow,
A grace unchangingly serene
Might elevate your spotless brow.
You want the empire beauty gains;
You think it would be very sweet
For crowds of eligible swains
To fall enraptured at your feet:
But true attachment's never bribed;
And my regard for you is such
That, were you all that I've described,
I shouldn't love you half as much.
You long for brilliancy of wit,
You long to flash in speech, like me;
(I do possess, I must admit,
An aptitude for repartee;)
You'd like accomplishments, my dear,
To charm society, and shine;
Enrapturing the eye and ear
With gifts remarkable as mine,
But recollect, my darling, when
You had such magic in your touch,
You'd cut me out," perhaps, and then
I shouldn't love you half so much!
I asked you once to be my bride-
I asked no vain, affected dunce :
You hadn't any silly pride,
But said: Oh, certainly 1" at once,
We might have married any day,
But I was not a splendid catch;"
And so your pa, I'm glad to say,
At once objected to the match.
My wife ? I really do not care
To think of you as being such-
Moreover, darling, if you were,
I shouldn't love you half so much!

Hodge:-" ZMMER'S ELSE!"

A General.
WHIsE special correspondents and military critics are bewailing the
want of generalship displayed in the Autumn Manoeuvres, we trust
that the Secretary of State for War will lose no time in availing
himself of the advantageous offer held out in this advertisement in the
Daily Telegraph:-
G3ENERAL, with coals and stable attached, doing a good ready-money trade.
Price 44, including a first-rate stock. Low rent. Every convenience,-
Apply, &c.
A General, who has a stable attached, and finds his own coals, would
be invaluable as a relief to the overtaxed Control. The allusions to
trade-unless the worthy gentleman has been driven to it by the recent
abolition of purchase,-and to low rent are obscure. But he would be
cheap at forty-five pounds, even though he does adhere to the old stock
as first rate, while most people have condemned it as a mere choking
Not very clear.
A PRovrIcARI paper, in a district where the schoolmaster if not
abroad is at any rate not yet appointed, says :-
We bear that the srecessful candidate for the mastership of our New Public
School has fallen on Mr. A. R., of W-. This however is only hearsay, as we have,
heard nothing authentic on the matter, although we believe it will be found to be
correct. -
In these days of libel-actions and heavy damages our country
contemporary is wise if not very intelligible in saying that the report
is only hearsay, because he hasn't heard anything, but still believes
that the anything he hasn't heard will be found correct. For of course
the Successful Candidate thus distinctly accused of assaulting MR.
A. R., of W., might issue a writ. For our own part we prefer believing
that it was the unsuccessful candidates who fell upon the successful
one. It's more like human nature.,

Irons in the Fire.
THE Mechanics' Magazine has an article on "The Combustibility of
Iron." We are thinking of following it up with a paper on The
Potability of Iron," which does not mean its ability to be made into
pots, but the possibility of its being drunk. Our late laundress, from
whom we parted, because she got up our choler by not getting our
collars up, has to our certain knowledge drunk two flat-irons a week in
the form of gin. Exhibited in this form iron is clearly not a tonic, for
she was ultimately too weak to raise a shilling, and her implements
consequently still remain in charge of an uncle of hers.

Huddersfield Justice.
IT is evident that, according to the Huddersfield Bench, that in
three young ruffians is but a fineable offence, which in a private in
the Dragoons is flat imprisonment,"-or whatever it was that
SHAKESPEARE Eaid. A private in the 5th Dragoons for trying to kiss
his landlady and her daughter was sent to jail for three months.
Three scoundrels who-under circumstances of violence and cruelty
-committed the offence which the soldier could only be barely
suspected of meditating, were fined four guineas the lot. Would MiR.
BaUCE mind spending a little of his holidays in enquiring into this
extraordinary administration of-shall we say, justice ?

[ We cannot return unaccepted MS8S. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
Sn Fu.-It wouldn't do, even at a pinch.
(Westminster).-We shan't print the joke, which we accordingly print
here, for two reasons:-First, we've seen it in an American paper which
probably stole it from an English one, it's so bad. Second, the life of a
fish is no ova before it's born." The life of a fish before it's born is ovum.
0. P. Q.-The pun is, oh, peculiarly old!
G. B. (Lincoln-street).-- Spoiling a good notion, and too long.
W. (Pinner).-Worse and worse.
A M aSTERY."-You mustn't keep the public in suspense at the end of
your lines. Executions are all private nowadays.
L. B.-Did you happen to know the -gentleman you name? We think
not, or you would not be so familiar.
-W. H. (Gateshead).-We should not think of publishing anything so
A. H. (Chester).-Very nearly. Reluctantly, no!
Declined with thanks :-W. H. S., New-street; H. P. F., Greenock;
S. W.; Dunstan; Miss H. Clevedon; S.; 0. L. W., Bath; E. R. B., Isling-
ton; C. A. L., Blackrock; R. S., Glasgow; C. M1. T.. Liverpool; Mapsack;
G., Islington; An Enquirer; R. M.; Constant Reader; F. F., Leeds;
Nepos; iE. S. V.; W. T., Seymour-street; Banjo, Tulse Hill; Noddy;
Bulrush, Galashiels; T. S. B., Canterbury; C. R. C.; T. N., Henry-street;
W. B., Ashford; Constant Subscriber; J. E. S.; -, Tewkesbury; F. S. W.;
Rob Roy; Chips; 0. H., Strand; B. R., Southampton Buildings; S.,
Middlesborough; A. L. S.; Borrioboola; -, Salisbury; Vindex; F.,
Holloway; Miles Ingloriosus; G. G., Warwick; Babbler; Comes; M. P.,

106 F U N SEPTEaER 7, t872.

Barmaid (observing the position of the glass of S. and B.) :-"TAKE CARE, YOU'LL UPSET ITr! "

TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. as seen, if through French spectacles, at least through the glasses of a
TR I OE NEW LEAVES. great artist, whose eye, if anything, magnifies the picturesqueness
THE first volume of The Garden is, as we predicted, a handsome rather than the ugliness of London. C'est une mille Dorie !
drawing-room book, with beautiful illustrations, as well as one of the
most complete guides within reach of the amateur horticulturist.
Theseus, an illuminated work from the gifted pencil of MR. MoYRa vanilla v. Mantilla.
SMITH, is a work of luxe. We call it illuminated, although it is not in
the missal style, but because its almost pure outlines are thrown-up THE Liverpool Daily Albion has been enquiring into the distressed
by a gold background. The story is simply and effectively told. condition of the needlewomen in Liverpool,.and reports, after a visit to
Connubial Bliss (WARD, LOCK, AND TYLER, Paternoster Row) is a COPE'S tobacco factory, that the women employed there are twenty
reprint of a series of clever papers, which have appeared in Figaro; times better off than the needlewomen. This is a settler for the
and those who have read them scattered through the pages of our Anti-tobacco idiots, for smokers can now plead that they smoke not
clever contemporary will no doubt be glad of the opportunity of having merely for their own gratification but for the benefit of workwomen
them in a collected form. generally!
Mistaken Identity, described as a comedy, is surrounded by awful
threats against those who produce it illegally. We don't think the
" gentlemen of the long robe will ever be employed to punish any NOTICE! On Wednesday next,
such infraction of the law. As far as we can make out, the mistaken The Grand Ramsgate Double Number of Fun,
identity is the error of the writer in identifying himself with a
dramatist. Pelwell Bay Punster, and St. Lawrence Court Journal.
The more nearly London approaches its completion, the more clear
is it that it will form a glorious volume of pictures of our metropolis PLENTIFULLY ILLUSTRATED. ONE PENNY.

BOYS' SUITS, 16s. TO 45s.



Printed by JUDD & CO, Phoonix Works, St. Andrevw' Hill, Doct r' Commona, and Published (for the Prop:ietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C- London, September 7, 1872.

SEPTEMBER 14, 1872.]



Drcxony DocK was one of nature's nobility. He was not rich,
neither was he particularly handsome; his hands were large and his
legs bandy; he had a most imperfect acquaintance with soap. and he
regarded gin and porter as the essence of civilisation; but still, as I
have before said,Dickory Dock-christian name Dickory, surname Dock
-was one of nature's nobility. I have the information on no less
authority than that of Dock himself, who told me so when under the
influence of his favourite beverage- dogsnose-and a visit to an open-
air demagoguity demonstration. -
Dickory Dock was in the Royal Ehhorne Militia, but his noble
nature revolted against such an unnatural service, and just as embodi-
ment time came round he was struck with a most sudden and original
idea with regard to its evasion.
"Why P" said he, as he borrowed the last pipeful of common shag
from his aged and decrepit father- a sure sign of nobility. I think I
will stop here and explain that I have no intention of stating that
either the use of common shag or aged and decrepit fathers is a proof
of nobility-I mean that his noble nature rendered him oblivious of
the fact that the old man had no more tobacco left. Perhaps if he had,
Dickory Dock would have borrowed that, too; there was nothing
small in the composition of Dickory Dock. And now having settled
that I will get on.
1 "Why ?" said Dickory Dock, as he proceeded to load his pipe with
| the borrowed tobacco. I try your patience, fair or gentle reader, but
I should like you to understand'that this same tobacco has nothing
whatever to do with my story; but is only an incident. So let us
once more travel.
"11'' I''I bWhy ?" said Dickory, as he lit his pipe; or rather, as he lit the
tobacco which he had borrowed from his ancient and dilapidated
father. By the way, I have always objected to those figures of speech
which make people say, "He lit his pipe," She boiled the kettle,"
etc., my humble opinion being always in favour of the well of English
undefiled, untempered byratiocinatioi or any other form of retrospective
legislation. But this by the way.
Why ?" said D. Dock, as he shook the ashes from his broke-shot
Brosely-Do you like Broselyp ? Gentle reader, I am bound to con-
fess, I do. Give me a long pipe and an ounce or two of INDERWICx'S
best-see advt.-and-I'll blow ye a cloud in which you might soar to
the seventh heaven of literary luxury. But I had quite forgotten my
S" Why I said Dickory Dock, as he 1.<:o, d about for some one from
whom to borrow more tobacco, fr his noble pc kets were averse from
parting. "'Why?" Aha! J'm getting on now-"why should I
not go'to Ramsgate F "
Aud EW46a en ered why ? (Thi is original, copyright, and price
one ha'penny.)
I will not attempt to describe to you the adventures of the noble
X Dock on his road. Prejudice and a ii..it..l aristocracy prevented his
going in the way he would most have liked, vdelheet, that is to say,
i namely, first express; and impecuniosity precluded his travelling
cheap fast, However, one fine morning Dickory Dock arrived on the
yellow sands, so far on his road to fortune that he had not even got
the conventional eighteeapence which has laid the substratic founda-
tion of many millions.
Dickory Dock speedily fell in love; not, as you suppose from his
noble and chivalrous nature, with a lady, but with a gentleman's gold
chain. There's nothing unnatural in that, is there P Annexation
is the first law of nature, says the proverb, and the proverb is quite
For some time Dickory Dock cogitated in secret. At last he said
aloud, "I have it." Not the chain, but only an idea how to obtain it.
Next day when the owner of the chain (name unknown, pedigree
doubtful) went out in one of the sailing boats, Dickory Dock went out
also. He had decided upon waiting until the owner of the chain fell
sick, and then-
I have always approved of Dickory's design; but unfortunately for
nature's true nobility it was never put in execution. Dickory Dock
had miscalculated his powers, and was the first to fall sick. And the
owner of the chain never fell sick at all.
And I'm very much disgusted with Dickory Dock.

W| Chalk it up.
\ >, I PRESUME, JONES," said ROBINSON, the other day, as they stood at
toe pier-head at Ramsgate, that the Albion Hotel takes its name from
toie white cliffs here. See how far they stretch away!" "Yes,"
responded JoNEs, and because it's one of the jolliest places, by long
chalks." RoBINSON said nothing, but the joke rankled for years in his
bosom. By such slight things may friendships be severed.




[SEPTEMBER 14, 1872.

Boatman:-" YES, SIR! SPEINGTIDE, IR! "

u a oyu ob bA TENNESSEE paper declares that Chattanooga is "a flourishtentio n to the
oPRockul the mosht nautical rige you can. B rass buttons always city, making rapid strides towards civilization." Its reasons for this
last two steps ofght roll in the gag w alk should be practise, an if the prou assertion are, that pickpockets flourish there, horses are ill-
aspirant has his soul in the undertaking he may also practise chewing treated, and children get drunk." Without wishing to discourage so
tobacco. (Sometimes this is as good as going should for a shouail!) It Belaypr" Twomising a community, we would point out that the acme of civiofza-
well to cast our eye up at the sky now and thegood remark to This, accompanied tion cannot be attained until the men take to beating their wives to
by a hitch of your nether garments, is irresistible death, whiltempt bathe hief ministers of Christie bak, anity call atonsequentoly wasn't the
If you are going on board you will probably observe that the drowvilenessd. the should listkeers to know within temperance view of the case
boat rocks a little. In that case you will do well to slip down thebecause it brings you avoid cold water, the better for you. Eh
lst two steps of the gangway, and leap agilely on board, catching at
the nose, ear, whisker or w hair of the nearest sailor. Thisis infallible, A Poser.
it makes the rough seaman respect you. You should shout Belay trust" Two weavers who were drunk went to he Rodale Canal. One of
as you execute this manoeuve. obably hBelay is a good remark to thr6w them attempting to bathe was drowned, the other, who was too drunk
in at any point. to attempt bathing, slept on the bank, and consequently wasn't
If you want to show your seamanship, go and sit by the man at the drowned. We should like to know the temperance view of the case.
helm and tell him to "put her head" up or down, it doesn't much The obvious conclusion is that the more drunk you get, and the more
matter which. Whistle loudly-the sailors like it, because it brings you avoid cold water, the better for you. Eh?
on a gale, they say.
These directions will teach you how to comport yourself until the Women of Understanding.
boat has passed the pier-head. After that you will do well to trust to A DUNDEE Wom en ofaUnderstanding.

-whether you trust her or not. of that town, of all grades, have about the largest feet in the United
^ weeshrrn.Kingdom. He has made boots up to 12T inches. This is the place for
fellows who admire women that are all sole. We confess the impres-
OPENING FOR A WINE MERCHANT.-At Port-mad-'oc. sion such feet make on us is calculated to last."

SgB 'TBmsu 14, 1872.]



A mouse who had overturned an earthern jar was discovered by a
cat, who entered from an adjoining room and began to upbraid him
in the harshest and most threatening manner.
"You little wretch!" said she, "how dare you knock over that
valuable urn ? If it had been filled with hot water, and I had been
lying before it asleep, I should have been scalded to death."
If it had been full of water," pleaded the mouse, "it would.not
have upset."
"But I might have lain down in it, monster!" persisted the cat.
"No, you couldn't," was the answer, "it is not wide enough."
"Fiend!" shrieked the cat, smashing him with her paw, "I can
curl up real small when I try."
The ultima ratio of very angry people is frequently addressed to
the ear of the dead.
A spaniel at the point of death requested a mastiff friend to eat him.
"It would soothe my last moments," said he, "to know that when
I am no longer of any importance to myself I may still be useful to
Much obliged, I am sure," replied his friend; "I think you mean
well, but you should know that my appetite is not so depraved as to
relish dog."
Perhaps it is for a similar reason we abstain from cannibalism.
A rabbit travelling leisurely along the highway was seen, at some
distance, by a duck, who had just come out of the water.
Well, I declare!" said she, "if I could not walk without limping
in that ridiculous way I'd stay at home. Why, he's a spectacle."
Did you ever see such an ungainly beast as that duck! said the
rabbit to himself. "If I waddled like that I should go out only at
MORAL, BY A K eANAROo.-People who are ungraceful of gait are
always intolerant of mind.
One evening a jackass, passing between a village and a hill, looked
over the latter and saw the faint light of the rising moon.
"Ho-ho Master Redface," said he, so you are climbing up the
other side to point out my long ears to the villagers, are you ? I'll just
meet you at the top, and set my heels into your insolent old lantern."
So he scrambled painfully up to the crest, and stood outlined
against the broad disc of the unconscious luminary, more conspicuously
a jackass than ever before.
This fable teaches nothing whatever.
A bear wishing to rob a beehive laid himself 6do6 if front of it,
and overturned it with his paw.
Now," said he, I will lie perfectly still and let the bees sting ime
until they are exhausted and powerless; their honey may then be
obtained without opposition."
And it was so obtained, but by a fresh bear; the other being dead.
This narrative exhibits one aspect of the Fabian* policy."

The Fabulist seems here to have employed that favourite figure termed

A cloud was pasinh across the face of the sun, when the latter
expostulated with hifh.
Why," said the sun, "when you have so much space to float in,
should you be casting your old shadow upon me P "
After a moment's reflection, the cloud made answer thus:
I certainly had no intention of giving offence by my presence, and
as for my shadow, don't you think you have made a trifling mistake P-
not a gigantic, or absurd mistake, but merely one that would disgrace
an idiot."
At this the great luminary was furious, and fell so hotly upon him
that in a few minutes there was nothing of him left.
It is very foolish to bandy words with a cloud if you happen to be
the sun.
A cat seeing a mouse with a piece of cheese said, "I would not eat
that, if I Were you, for I think it is poisoned. However, if you will
allow me to examine it, I will tell you for sure whether it is or not."
While the mouse was thinking what it were best to do, the cat had
fully made up her mind, and was kind enough to examine both the
cheese and the mouse in a manner highly satisfactory to herself, but
the mouse has never returned to give his opinion.
The moral of this story has got dropt out somehow.

I WALKED by moonlight on the shore
Where Ramsgate's ramparts* rise;
The Dolly Varden dress she wore,
And she had lovely eyes-
But stay ; I haven't mentioned yet
That "she was some one that I met.
Her hair was yellow as the gold,
Her cheek was like the rose,
And poetry can ne'er unfold
The graces of her nose,-
The Muse admits it with a shrug,
She has no simile for "pug."
I met her, as I said before,
Where Ramsgate's ramparts rise;
We met by moonlight on the shore-
'Twas night, as you'll surmise,
Because you in a general way
Don't meet with moonlight much by day.
She didn't speak. We never spoke.
We ne'er shall speak again.
Nay smile not!-this is not a joke,
I state the fact with pain.
We'd ne'er been introduced, and so,
There was an end of it, you know.
'Tis ever so, and such is life,
As every one allows,
And I was walking with my wife,
And she was with her spouse;
Her spouse the butcher, who-the thief-
Asks sixteen-pence a pound for beef.
And I can but observe once more,
Where Ramsgate's ramparts rise,
I strolled by moonlight on the shore
And met my butcher's eyes ;-
And I thought then-I think so still-
I had not paid my butcher's bill.

A Nautchy Man!
Mas. PBALAXOP, who had been down to Ramsgate Pier, to see the
memorial of GEoRGE THE FOURTH, told MR. P., on her return to the
Granville Hotel, that, considering how very improper that monarch's
conduct was, she could not understand why people should have sub-
scribed for Odalisques for him!

Latest from Ramsgate.
THi sea-serpent has visited the shores of Thanet. He was observed
by people engaged in reading the papers on the pier. He made his
appearance dUting a shower of frogs, and dived out of sight on being
pelted with enormous gooseberries.

I never saw any ramparts at Ramsgate, but it sounds beautiful.
+ See last note. IT Vid note to first verse.

116 I TT N'. [SEPTEMBER 14, 1872.








lilii FO


SEPTEMBER 14, 1872.]


Wj ~j

(Scene, an expensive Watering-Place.)
see you heaw !"
Smart little Mrs. Halfpay, nettled at the insinuation:-" No P WELL, I'M oLAD, JUDGING FROM YOUR FAITH IN YOUR EYES, TO hear
You see! "

AT the Penge flower, fruit, and vegetable show, which has now
become an annual Exhibition without which the Alexandra cottagers
would dwindle down and decay, there was the other day a large
muster of those most interested in the pursuits with which our most
respected and remote progenitors were intimately identified. The
results of the male cottagers' delving powers filled several spacious
marquees, and one gentleman present was so smitten with the sight of
a cucumber nearly two feet long that he has given his landlord and his
editor notice and intends for the future living a truly rural and most
virtuous life, his only luxury being the perusal of agricultural
statistics. The prizes, which were distributed by one of the most
original and staunchest supporters of the show, were handsome and
in every case appropriate, and the manner in which, at the instance
of the BREv. Ma. DRAKEFOED, he was cheered, until the Penge-Becken-
ham welkin rung three times three, proves his popularity. Among
the things exhibited, "not for competition," were some magnificent
lichens, lent by MR. RENDLE, and a gigantic sunflower called the
Mrs. Tom Thumb's Hood or the Mrs. Tom Hood's Thumb -
we are not in a position to say which, but either will do. [This is
evidently the result of an injudicious mixture of enthusiasm, intemper-
ance, and insanity on the part of our new reporter-ED.]

I CHANCED a pick-up to absorb in
The famous hostelrie of COBIN ;
Said JoNEs "than sherry it were fitter
To mingle ginnums with your bitter;
Because, as I have told you often,
Good spirits will Life's bitters soften."

'asrifs 0 (amtaotbits.
[re cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are acmnt.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
OLD BoOTS.-Very old boots, and second-hand ones, too, at that!
D. (Beccles).-In hand, before your note arrived.
LAuNDxESS.-Your lines about washerwomen's grievances are not strong
enough for publication. They might do to dry a pair or so of stockings on.
ST. PARTEIDGE.-A most inapt quotation. You might as well say of a
man who at last happened to hit a bird after missing twenty-post tene-
bras lux.
G. T. (Islington).-Because we cannot warehouse MSS., etc., on the
chance of their being afterwards reclaimed, and because we cannot under-
take to copy names and addresses that are often scarcely legible.
"QUEBEC."-An advertisement, beginning thus, has been sent to us,
with sneers, by about twenty people. "An officer who went to Quebec
and there died soon after" might grammatically as well as naturally leave
a widow to hear something to her advantage even from the much-chaffed
A. W. (Grange-lane, Birkenhead).-You will not see your MiSS. again,
as you do not choose to comply with our very simple rules.
B. (Welbeck-street).-Thanks!
Declined with thanks:-F. J. C., Liverpool; H., Clairville, Cheshire;
G. B. F., Glasgow; G. F., Clapham-road; W. M., Kentish Town; Piggie;
W. T., Seymour-street; L. D., Maida Vale; R. W., Poplar; Noodledum;
P. M., Liscard; W. 0. D. A., Aberdeen; G., Lower Cheam; Bob; C. S. H.,
Aldershot; P., Euston-road; W. ,W. C., Edinburgh; Bobbers; M. M.,
Kentish Town; E. M. F., Higham; D., Liverpool; S. T., Kingsland;
T. J. A.; Old Dan Tucker; F. D.; McG., Glasgow; Tootsicums; B. B.;
W. M., Malden-road; Adventurer; W. L., Kingsland; T. H. 0.; F. I.,
Islington.-College of Fare-don-well.

FU 1~. ESIFTERDER 14, 1872.

Itinerant Minstrel:-" YOUR Goon MAN. HUMPH, I AIN'T your GOOD
MAN; THAT'S HIM A SITTING ON THE BEAT WITH-(rather at a loss for a phrase)

THE 0ornhill carries on Old Kensington "-it is a curious
coincidence by the way that another magazine advertises The
Dingy Old House at Kensington !-and begins what promises so far
to be an interesting Transylvanian tale. A voyage to the Ringe4
Planet is somewhat too much of the fabulous, which we feel inclined
to attribute to the eccentric genius who witched the world with
mythical natural history in Temple Bar some years back. "
We welcome Johnny Ludlow back heartily in this month's Argosy.
He is at his best-need we say more for the magazine ?
Tinsley's begins a new novel-let us hope it will be something more
in the style of Joshua Marvel" than stories we have lately had,
though as each chapter takes title in a quotation of poetry we are not
too sanguine. The other contents are much the same as usual-
particularly the verse !
Chambers's Journal continues its stirring story of "A Woman's

THERE's a pleasant isle
Where the harvests smile;
And a place there's the boast
Of the whole of the coast.
1. le tried to set his nation free,
To some extent succeeded;
He did his very best, you see,
Where liberty was needed-
1ip published tale is, by the lye,
A B]LWER-work of Liberty.
2. With this remark he followed the priest,
And said it whenever his prayers he ceased.
3. What time the fathers marched to Rome-
'Twas duty bade them meet in it;
Their daughters, who were left at home,
All went and put their feet in it.
4. If you like pumpkins, 'tis a shame
To give them an insulting name !
5. A city builded by a lake,
'Wherein some interest we take;
Because therein
We buy our gin.
6. Whene'er I stand
On Ramsgate sand,
And ask where I shall dwell;
To myself, say I,
Once more we'll try
The white-cliffed land's hotel.
7. With some he'll run, with some he'll crawl,
Not always as they'd will him-
But, oh, the hardest task of all
Is, certainly, to kill him.
8. He seeks the sands
in noisy bands;
And cry the snobs,
What vulgar mobs;"
But he's a right, as well as they,
To take a seaside holiday.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 286.-Lounger, Margate:
Loam, Orynthia, Usher, Nag, Genera, Epithet, Rope.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS or ACnOSTIC No. 286, Received 4th Sept:-
None correct.

Vengeance." In Poetry by the Slice," the writer treats BRET HARTE
and JOAQUiN MILLER, somewhat unjustly, for an English republication,
for which they are not responsible, of fugitive papers in the American
Once a Week contains some life-like portraits this month ; of one our
dread of editorial wrath forbids us to speak, but we may say that the
likenesses of MassRs. MoRaIS, HUXLEY and HOLINmGSHEAD-most-
especially of the latter-are excellent. And so is another I A paper
on Shaksperian Dogs" is clever. We don't altogether like
"Rule of Thumb," for its style is very strained at times, e. g. in the
twelfth chapter. We are glad to see the announcement of a new
novel by the author of Ready-money Mortiboy."
In Macmillan The Phaeton" still pursues its pleasant road. The
other contents are solid and good.
The Gentleman's gives us the first part of JOAQUIN MILLER'S new
poem, of which we must see more ere we criticise it. The other
articles hardly seem up to the original standard of the magazine, the
verse especially.



The healthiest spot in all England, Ramsgate stands at the head pf the list. Its rate of mortality for the quarter bging only 11-7 per 1,000,
against an average of 18-2 in forty seaside and inland watering places.-Vide Times leader, August 24th.
The Hotel stands on the verge of the Cliff, 100 feet above the level of the sea.

The Ozone Bath, the Cure for Rheumatism and Restorer of the Hair and Complexion, together with Turkish, Sea-water, and every other
description of Bath, to be had on the establishment. Table d'h6te at 6.80. Good Stabling.

[SEPTEMBER i4, 1872.


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