Front Cover
 Title Page
 January 7, 1871
 January 14, 1871
 January 21, 1871
 January 28, 1871
 February 4, 1871
 February 11, 1871
 February 18, 1871
 February 25, 1871
 March 4, 1871
 March 11, 1871
 March 18, 1871
 March 25, 1871
 April 1, 1871
 April 8, 1871
 April 15, 1871
 April 22, 1871
 April 29, 1871
 May 6, 1871
 May 13, 1871
 May 20, 1871
 May 27, 1871
 June 3, 1871
 June 10, 1871
 June 17, 1871
 June 24, 1871
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00020
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00020
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page 5
    January 7, 1871
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    January 14, 1871
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
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    January 21, 1871
        Page 25
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        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
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    January 28, 1871
        Page 35
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        Page 41
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    February 4, 1871
        Page 45
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        Page 51
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    February 11, 1871
        Page 55
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    February 18, 1871
        Page 65
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    February 25, 1871
        Page 77
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    March 4, 1871
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    March 11, 1871
        Page 97
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    March 18, 1871
        Page 107
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        Page 111
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
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    March 25, 1871
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
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        Page 125
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    April 1, 1871
        Page 129
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        Page 136
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    April 8, 1871
        Page 139
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        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
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    April 15, 1871
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
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    April 22, 1871
        Page 159
        Page 160
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        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
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    April 29, 1871
        Page 169
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        Page 176
        Page 177
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    May 6, 1871
        Page 179
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        Page 185
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    May 13, 1871
        Page 189
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    May 20, 1871
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    May 27, 1871
        Page 209
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    June 3, 1871
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    June 10, 1871
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    June 17, 1871
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    June 24, 1871
        Page 251
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    Back Cover
Full Text

- ~~ca-' --

- -- D i







IT is very well known,
Since the world was begun,
That there's one thing alone
Of all neathh the sun,
That is perfect, and splendid, and always unchanged, and immortal.
That's Fuo!
His praises are sung
In a unison grand
By the old and the young
In every land: -
And how much the dear creatures adore him, you must see, if you'd
fain understand!
His wisdom and wit
Ever mingling, they run;
And the sides he has split,
And the good he has done,
Are quite beyond human computing; for, you see, all the world's full
of FUN !
He's foremost in Art,
And in prose and in verse:
His pencilling's smart,
And his penning is terse,
And he sells for one penny a week; within reach of the poorest nian
Now this year has been named,
As everyone knows,
For one of the famed
International Shows-
But the world's truly Great Exhibition is the one I'm about to dis.
For the triumph most proud
Of the year Seventy One,
By all people allowed,
As sure as a gun,
Is before you in Volume Thirteen of the famous New Series of FUN I

"M.AY it please your Serenity," said Fux's Groom of the Chambers, LA BELLE FRANcE has called. Shall I show her up ?"
No, sirrah I don't mind your showing up' her ministers;-her you must usher in, if you please I"
The G of the 0 smole and retiredrand in a few minutes returned, and introduced LA BELLE FRANCE.
Glad to see you, my dear," said FUN, "and hope you have got all traces of that nasty scarlet fever out of your
constitution. You look exhausted-pray, take a seat." The poor lady sank into the nearest chair.
"And in what way can I be of service to you, Madame ?" asked the great one.
"Oh, Serenity You know what changes of Government I have suffered-the Empire-the Committee of Defence- "
"And now after de fence, the carte and THIERS, eh ? "
"My unhappy children are distracted for want of a Government," she continued.
"We, madame," said FuN, "are nearly distracted with the Government we have."
"You refer to your House of Communes?"
"Of Commons," said FuN, correcting a mispronunciation. "There is nothing of the Commune (any more than the
uncommon) about their intellects, and so far from burning down ourpublic buildings, there are very few of them who lie under
suspicion of a desire to set fire to the Thames. But I interrupt you.
"I come to ask your aid, then! My newly-acquired peace and freedom are threatened by the number of aspirants to my
hand. First of all, there is one at Chislehurst, who erst chiselled "III" after his name. He desires that 'le file de son perch'
should take the place of le neveu de mon oncee' and there are many who would help him back to my capital."
"And their own interests !"
"Quite so! Then the ORLEANS family have shaken hands with the elder BovlBON branch."
Truly Republican, that! The descendants of EGALrnt take the Liberty of Fraternity to further their own ends."
"Now, I want a ruler who is wise, good, popular, handsome, witty, elegant, noble "
H'm!" said FuN, I really do not know where you'll get the article I"
"Monsieur, who holds the mirror up to Nature, should consult the glass himself !"
Eh oh ah !" said FUN, blushing gracefully, "I beg your pardon; you are too flattering !"
Sire," said LA BELLE FRANCE, hear my petition! Accept the Crown. Come, and rule over my people !"
Fairest lady, it may not be I must not give up to one country what was meant for mankind. I, who rule the habitable
globe, may not devote myself exclusively to any particular portion of it. Such are the penalties of greatness! Nay, restrain
your tears, if I cannot accede to your request, I can at least assist you to rule your people yourself. A careful study of this
work will teach you the wisdom you will require!" .
And then as FRANCE, smiling through her tears, welcomed the precious gift, the potentate presented to her

CE E9jirtentlj 'Ixnr of ^tD J Rfu 5d ji f fun.

AxswEns to Correspondence, 13, 23, 33,
43, 51, 63, 76, 85, 95, 105, 115, 127, 137,
1;7,157, 167, 175,187, 207, 219, 239, 249,
Art and Science, 88
April Showers, 171
Angelina to Egardo, 197
BSN Bost-.. ,' \fxr.', 9
Board o [-.., lnm,, 11 '
5selgravian Lauhlirei', -.'. i] ,Lt (A),
Bubble and q;'lo ik, I'4
Busy Bee Wr[.gr, EtC., 2.j
CHATS t7 1, e1A 61 7i ,
208, 220, 240, 250, 258
Comic Lecture (A), 5
Card iA), 25
Cinderell., 37
Cart before the Horse (The), 46
Comic Copy, 93
Conju ration, 127
Coming'Boatrace (The), 135
Castles in the Air, 139
Census (The), 145
Correspondents' Column (A), 169
Coppernieking System (The), 170
Cosmetic Catastrophe (A), 199
Calumny (A), 239
Dotast, Acrostic, 6, 16, 25, 37, 53, 61, 67,
83, 95, 105, 107. 118, 130, 145, 119, 167,
170, 179, 201, 209, 239, 241, 253
Duffers' Guide (The), 21
Daw and the Damsel (The), 33
DisinteTested One (The), 36
Distressing Case (A), 51
Do you smoke it ? 56
Deadman's Point, 73"
Dream (A), 108
Doings of the Cracks (The), 209
ESSAY (An), 98
Examination Paper (An), 120
Edmund and Jane, or the Bold Bohe-
mians, 197 '
Extremely'Adamantine C.in, 201
English Gentleman (An), 212
FaROST (4), 31
Flowery Language, 87
Fotanate America, 97
Fiate's Favours,.129 .
Feast in the manner of the Ancients
(A)," 188;
GuY Bottonstpne, 79
Grammatical Homoeppathy, 125
Glory, 131
Groves of Bloomsbury (The), 159
HERE, There, and Everywhere, 47, 62,
125, 140, 165, 181, 132,242
Honest Criticisem, 27
Has Anybody Lost a Dog, 41
History of a Hero (The), 55
How they did not Advertise when there
were Dramatists, 107
How I was Shot for a Spy, 137
Hands-No, Feet off, 145
Highly Satisfactory, 149
Horses (The), 217
History (A), 233
IN his Teens, 5
In the Matter of Popular Processions, 180
JUNE the -th 1 242
KING of Brentford (The), 26
LINre to a very Old Air,'16
Lesson of the Lifelioit (The), 23
Lukewarm, 25 ...
Little Confusing (A), 55
Lines written in Dejection, 84
Letters to the Editor, 103, 150
Latest Telegrams, 137
* Last Pipe of Winter (The), 141
Last Sensation (The), 165
Labourer's Hire (The), 170
Legal Fix (A), 181
Lay of the Impecuniotte (The), 190
MY Pocket, an Autobiography, 41 .
My Birthday, 41

Muddled Chivalry, 78
Man-Milliters, 78 '
Moonshine and Mist, 95
My sole Proprietbr, 99
Model Design [,4), 115
My Ane store; 135
My Voluqteer, 157
Music, 18 ,
Mi'iey o0 Sr,-ing (The), 187
M5,r6 {(A.I `05
Nr w Ye il%' ishes, 15
Notlry rirn., 17
No Ia M,'i,.. '.4
Not stin, g Much, 68
N'a i6b. re, 177
Noble Nine of Knockemdowns (The),
Now and Then, 251
OvUR Shorthand Notes, 13, 23, 27, 43, "03,
63, 66.78, 93, 105, 107, 119, 180, 140,
150, 165,175,185, 169,207, 219,:231,241,
Orders, 11
Oddituary (An), 26
Oh, Heigho, 79
On All Fours, 88
Ole, 125
Organized Accidents, 150
Ode to Simpson (An), 175
On Sufferance, 252
PRIDE of Spain (The), 27
Procrustean M es, 125
Philosophical Reflection (A), 136
Persevere, 138
Partial Statement (A), 14S'
Puss on Protection, 199
Peep at the Prussians in Possession (A),
QUEEN's Speech (The), 56
RomsAn Noses and Snub Noses, 13 .
Remarkable Effect of the Weather, 46
Randall's Thumb, 57
Round of the Pantomimes (The), 63
Reminiscent Poem (A), 87
Romance of the Period (The), 98
Run through the Royal Academy (A).
Reminiscences of the Royal Academy,
STRANoE but True, 7
Sketched from the Life, 15
Singular Effect of the Late Frost, 16
Second Thoughts, 21
Smoke, 36
Sleeping on it. 51
Songs Before Sunrise, 87
Single and Double Blooming, 89
Shocking Butchery (A), 95
Single and Double, 98
Sehoolma.ter a Field (The), 130
Serenade (A), 131
Spring, 161
Scenes of Childhood, 169
Second Month (The), 185
Short and Sweet Counsel, 185
Spirits and Water, 205
SometCig, 231
Spotiig Notes and Anticipations, 17, 61,
88, i.8, 167, 180, 210, 243
Sage Stuffing for Green Goslings, 75, 85,
8, 105, 109, 127 131, 141, 151, 161, 171,
t17, 190,2j, 2 0l, 23, 249, 257
Saling Barge iatch (The), 252
TucBINo over New Leaves, 11, 23, 32, 44,
54, 83. 138, 141 160, 205, 247
Three Unions (The),.6
Teapot The) "1
Three Valen- .es (The), 68
Twenty Two and ThirtyFive, 105
Tired, 115
Tables of Wood and Tiables of Stone, 155
Taking a Rise, 232
Una-kiss-tomed to it! 159
ywieBtT (A), 8 .
-V tiee of Affe ton (The), 93
Vacci-National Anthem (A), 108

Very Bad Case (A), 15.7
Villanous Ambition (A), 243
WORD for Womankind, 47
Way to do it (The), 62
Wisdom of Nations (The), 79
Wait and Hope, 113
Woman s Rights, 140
Waiting for my Chop, 160
Wht is laughter ? 165
Welcome (A), 231

BROKEN Olive Branch (The), 163
Bruceque Reasoning, 193
Bull's Census, 153
Dame Briiannia's School, 91
Iatrlipg's Dowry (The), 81
Darling's Wedding (The), 124
Demon Success (The), 19
Derby Day (They, 217 .
Field'Marshall Winter, 29
H.M.S. BuStill Dog, 9 '
Impieial Burle.que of Peace, 1ll
John Bull's Valentine to Dame Europa,
Last (andWorst) Occupation of Paris,"
Modern Mazeppa (The), 234
On Surfferanie,'255 .
Peace at a Price, 101
Reign of Terrier (The), 203
Splendid Opening (A), 59
"hoilt Child ('the), 173
The last Paris Fashion, or the Cap that
does not Fit, 143
Too Busy Bee (The), 251
Too Late, 49
Too little for the Money, 39
Trying it on! 183
Who Next 245

As Long as It's Broad, 15
Air anRa Hair, 18
At The Nonze," 38
Approaching Royal Ceremony (The), 77
April the First, 142
Awakened Conscience (The), 155
Among the Wrestlers, 166
Art v. Nature 175
'All-L owe I 135
BABY Hippopotamus (The), 97
Bar Practice, 115
Boatrace (The), 146
Bab Ballads (The) :-
No 85, Old Paul and Old Tim, 35
CUPID's Dictionary, 67
Course and Effect, 114
Coming Events, A Few Aquatic Sugges-
tions, 132
Commune (The), 172
Cruel only to be Kind, 179
Cut and Come Again, 210
Communist Refugees in London, 248
DISUNION Bank (The), 8
Don't Believe Hedrsay Evidence, 38
Doctbr's Stuff, 655, ''
Difficult Pas age (A), 61
Dry Humour, i3 ,
Differing in To-Toe, 220
Delicately Put, 231 -
Discipline is Everything, 240
EaTRY of the Prussiafis into Pgris, 100
Elaborate Compliment (An), 132
Easter Monday Reiiew (The), 156
FUN's Twelfth Nightpharacters, 12
For more Reasbin than onei 34
Face-etious. 64 ;
"-.lUnet for in Fourritenth Century (A),
Fur,'s crt.nes f..r the Million, 7(
Fer-i, M Art l tr,', I',"

GENTLr Blow (A), 11
Golden Hair, 24
Gan of the Future (The), 32
HARLEQUIN Nightmare, 58
Head and frort of his offending (The), 62
Hammersmith Bridge, 145
Harrowin' Eatin', 241
IILUSTRATIONS of Popular Songs, 80
Idealitie of Modern Costume, 139
Injurbd Female (An), 155
In Spite of his Teeth, 162
International Exhibition (The), 196
Kw.E-Plus Ulster (The), 87
Keep to the Point, 93
Knowledge is Power, 195
LIceNssIN Bil) (The), 186
MiODEN Taste in Dress, 91
M.ral Tale (A), 110 .
Marriage, A la mode. 120 -
M king assurance Doubly Sure, 198
Miss-Steak (A), 239
NEw Solution of the Old Difficuly (The),
162 d Te
Near the Church, 208
Notes in Nhtural History, No. 6, p. 25,
No. 7, p. 76
Oua Contribution to Army Beform, 104
Old Boy (An), 107
One Man's Meat, Another's Poison, 133
Oxford and Cambridge Athletic Sports-
.Mind v. Muscle, 152
Our Derby Hieroglyphic, or Clear and
Comprehensive Tip Typical, 211
Our Sporting Artist, 251
Only That, 253
POPPING the Question, 31
Police Festival (The), 52
Pilgrim of Love (The), 66
Pat Reply (A), 128
Putting Him Down, 155
Post d Up, 178
Pets, the Puss, and the Pitched Battle
(The), 206
Proper Vehicle (A), 250
1hotographbic Fiction (A), 244
QUEEN of the May (The), 188
Rival BRacks (The), 84
Recurring Types, Ancient and Modern,
Retiring Disposition (A), 155
Romance of the Race (A), 218
Rough on Rufus, 219
Recollections of the Royal 'Academy :
No. 1, p. 192; No. 2, p. 202; No. 3,
p 234 .. I
SKATEo-Sbootiflo, Adventures of Mr.
Popsmash (The), 22
Skinflints, 40
Studies from the Antique, 51
Saddle on the Right Back (The), 96
Season (The), 136
signal-Danger, 169
Sketch at Esom (A), A Chiel's
Amang ye taking Notes, 209
TALE of St. Valentine's Day (A), 65
Tempting, 106
Too Young, 119
To the Scientific, 158
True History (A), 182
Two Headed Nightingale (A), 238
To the Purpose, 247
VOLUNTFPE and Voluntary, 14
Valentines, 70
Very Accommodating, 168
Vaterlanders, 28, 48
Visitor from Foreign Parts (A), 258
WoE in Hendon, 42
What Next? 54
t'at is n 1 ,il For. l .'.. ,i
1o aquin u.rr.,d, ,n.d A'," 117
WSeddnog oL' n tri1, 126
'W[at'a 1h 1 I long as you're

Who y i o r., 17,
Wholly in Error, 205


O W-of news blithe bearer-
Time, the old scythe-bearer,
Laughing so merrily
Steps on the scenes.
"Readers of FUN," he cries,
"Hail Seventy-One I he cries,
Why P-because verily
FuN's in his teens.
Volume Thirteen it is--
Here plainly seen it is!
This New Year's gift you all
Hail with glad miens.
Pleased with its various
Virtues, hilarious
Voices uplift yo' all-
"FuN's in his teens!"

With rods for the foolish ones-
Whips for the mulish ones -
Scourges for knavery,
Satire's machines,
Friend of humanity,
Truth and urbanity,
Foe to all slavery,
FuN's in his teens!

What an amount of wit,
Truly a fount of wit,
Sparkling, it bubbles up
When one least weens.
All men on earth fully
Feel how he mirthfully
Brightens Life's troubles up-
Fco'd in his teens!
Each one rejoices so,
Raise your glad voices, oh,
Princes, and Emperors,
Monarchs and Queens!
Nobles and nobodies,
High bodies, low bodies,
Each in good temper roars
FuN's in his teens !"

Wisdom and Merriment
(Try the experiment)
Both, from his pages glad
,Every one gleans-
Laughter awaking still,
See how he's making still
Folks of all ages glad-
FUN's in his teens!

SoUTr London appears to possess in the person of a RaB. Ma.
MURsELL a humourist of the ARTRMus WADa kind, with a touch of the
MARK TWAIN order. He delivered a lecture on "NAroLBON III. and
the War the other evening, from the reports of which we make an
extract or two. He describes the man of Sedan seated musing by
a fountain at Wilhelmshohe:-
The water seemed to change with the changes of reverie ...... Now he waq
with Eugenie and his only Bon; but what made the surface look red 7 It was but the
darting by of a gold fish; but it Fo changed his Imagination that it conjured up
the pent brow of Bismarck, the stern glance of Moltke.
We fear MR. MURSELL is like many a genius, unconscious of his own
powers; or he would have put that quip in the more telling form of a
conundrum-" Why is the darting by of a gold fish like the pent
brow of BISMARCK F" Do you give it up, gentle reader ? To do so
would be a confession of weakness-especially as we can't tell you the
answer. Or put it thus-" Why is the stern glance of MOLTKE like a
gold fish ? With the aid of a burlesque writer, and a little violence
applied to "rudder and ruddier," it might be done.
But to return to our conundrumist: after a passing jea d'esprit
about the declaration of war on St. Swithin's day, and the fact that it
has been raining blood ever since, he got towards the end of his
entertainment, which he concluded, according to the SouthLondon Press,
with these words:-
Humanity was putting itself once more on the march. The Empire of Napoleon
was vanishing for ever, and ever that prodigious foundering-that sublime victory
of life over death, there was one beam of thou, 0 Liberty I
There is something a step beyond the sublime in the idea of the "one
beam of thou, 0 Liberty." To borrow a form of speech from Mu.
MURSELL's apparent model, he is a most remarkable Thouist.

A Pocket Borough.
SCENE: -A Bribery Commission.
First Commissioner: Well, sir-you say the candidate called on
you. What happened then ? "
Witness: "He insulted me grossly, sir !"
Second Commissioner: How do you mean, insulted you F"
Witness: He took out a ten pound-note, and said I should have it
if I'd vote for him!"
Third Commissioner: And, pray, what did you do P "
Witness: Well, sir, I felt I ought to pocket the affront,' and I
did! "

Hints to Emigrants.
WE extract the following paragraph from an American paper:-
In the United States just now there are 27 young women studying theology, with
a view to becoming preachers; 19 are studying law, and 67 are studying
Our advice to all about to emigrate to the States is founded on a study
of this interesting statement. We advise them to forswear sermons
(there are twenty-seven women going to preach, and the sex is long-
winded), to avoid litigation (there are nineteen women going to be
lawyers, and the sex argues more than it reasons), and, last but not
least, to apprentice their sons to the undertaking business, which we
have sixty-seven good grounds for believing will prove lively.

The Wrong Animal.
A coNTrEMPORARY relates that:-
The professor of chemistry in the Iowa State university, said in a lecture : "Fluo-
hydric acid is very poisonous; a drop on your tongue will kll a dog in a minute."
We beg the professor's pardon-there's a mistake there, and we'll
prove it, if you'll oblige us by letting the professor put a drop on your
tongue. In that case it would kill not a dog but a donkey.


6 F U N [JAHVARY 7, 1871.

.FUN-OFIOCS, W'eFnesday, Jan. 4th, 1871.
HE political skyis not clear yet. The clouds whichwethinfk-have
passed are succeeded by others,- and a turn in the wind may;
T bring them all back upon us. The weather is what sailors call
dirty, and the good ship "Great Britain" is not yet safe
in port.
The Admiral looks round on his crew, and as he does so, and.while
he remembers what the good ship has gone through he smiles. His
men will be true, and the vessel, if she stands in need of overhauling
and repairing is still seaworthy.
All right! Let the storm come, she has weafthred many a worse
one, and will pass through this onetunharmed !.

A UNION there was when the world began
Conferred as-:aH& isong and comfort on man-'
One remnant of Eden, before the ban,
Which at times he still recovers.
A union-still with happiness rife,
Which strengthens the soul in that bitter strife
With trouble and. care,cailled. Human Life-
The uniol of two true lovers.,
-But another Union there ie' I ween,,
A part of our pitiless Poor'Law Machine,
For grinding the face of the poor and'mean,
A jail-like, chilly and mirk house;
Where husband 'and wife are torn apart,
And the babe is'snatched bff the -mother's heart,
A llace marked down in Misery's chart,
By the name of the Union Workhouse.
And now a third Union appears in view!
It is not like the first of'the other two--
The Union; declared when the world was'new
're esia h ad marred simplicity.
But the Union,-which scorning heaven's decree,
Forbids-in this' boasted land ofithe free--
The poor man, easing a humble fee,
To dream of wedded felicity!

A, Shocking Sell.
"Loox heree,' said RBGINALD ALTAXoNir BROWN) stoppIing iiAfrt1t
of an elegant exhibition tablet, and reading,
Tb e hi-weekly Lively Ezistence sells more than all the other sporting papers put
"Sells more what? HVowcan a- paper sell anything ?"
Replied his friend AuGUSTUS FITZHI RHMRT '{MYTHE, "Dear boy,
that's only evidence of the editor's ignorance of the English language.
He should have said:-
The bi-weekly Lively Exist oee sells [its readers] moetre tan ll-the othersporting
papers -put together,
"I see; but it!s. like reversing the fable. of the boys and- the.frog.
The throwing out of tips may be sport to the editor,a but it'adeith and
destruction tothosa'.whwaeeled by them' "

Azn Anti-Climax__
THIS story won't do anyhow:-
Mrs. Agaseiz says that in certain Amazonian tribes, on -the.day of his marriage,
while th'e 'edaltig'dstftities *are going on, the bridegroom's hands are-tied up in a
paper bag filled with-fire-ants. If he bears this torture smilingly-and unmoved, he
is considered fit for the tdials-of matrimony.
If instead of applying a few ants, they tried the effect of one' either.
in-law, 'weddoubt if any aspirant would get throughthe'ordeal.

Information for -the 'Police.
WE regret to have to "rvdrd a'case of "inhuman conduct of a
mother" which eclipses all previous cases of the kind. A lady of
some eminence, MooN by name, tfter frequently threatening him,
blackened her son's face; and-afterwards-left him in an exposed place
on a biting cold day in-we blush to-record- a state of nudity. Is
there no re-dress for him ?

Nzw improved and anagrammatical reading-Treaties; Tear ties.
A'DFrcuL'r but praiseworthy task for the School Board :-Gather-
rg the juvenile outcasts of the street under Edudation's Forster.ipg

THE land is wrapt in a silent shroud,
And the voice of the river, once so loud,
In frozen chains is dumb.
The winds are bitter, their pipe is shrill,
And Nature groans in the darkness chill,
And life seems stark and numb.
1. Within the fair Alhambra Courts
SWhat wondrous architectural art,
In arch and column'tall disports
The quaint devices, that-impart
The secret of their foreign-birth,
No products of the Spanish earth.
2. In Australia's central waste
A plant by Providence seems placed,
To feed the traveller in his need,
With stores of a--nutritious seed.
3. I am not guilty!" cried the maid.
Blindfold and barefoot on she strayed,
Nor did the irons, white of heat,
Touch the pure whiteness of her feet.
4. Beyond the fens, upon the slope it lies,
Where many a beck down the upland hies.
SSOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, Noi. 198.-Glad Yuae:- Granny, Landau,
Antipodal, Dance.
CoRnMTr e:0LTION8 OF AcROSTIO No. 198, RECItirD DEC. 28th.-Goblins of
Grays; Ardmore; Pik; Old Maid; Timothy and Co.; 1Pimlico Tom Cat; Chief
Justice; Conum E. S.

In a rde;nt theatrical action, brought by a Ms. WALL, to recover
damagesOfbr' breach of contract, Miss ELISE HOLT was called as an
interested witness, for the complainant. On the very' delicate question
of tights, o pleasant, conversation took place. Witness stated that-
. She ordered new things, such as boots and tights; to look nice.
Mr. Jaines.-Yon always look nice.
Witness.-I always go to the green room to look at myself.
After the foregoing gallant admission from the' barr iter for the
defence, aid, the equally eonscieAtlias acknowledgment of the fair
actress, who can' wonder, that a sympathising jury should declare
the plaintiff's favour? Not wV; more especially as Miss HOLT
also said:-
It is my first appearance here, which iwf1l'w apleaffet.
This we can readily believe,- as itWely -muti., be quite distiessing to
have to appear in public with ond's'ohiefa attraeious hiddeu'=adcr the
antiquated garb 'of every day life. A good deal-of the evidce turned
on the question whether or not MR. WAL vead a notice-p4sted in the
green-room of the. Strand, Theatre. The -plaintiff distinctly denied
having done so up to a certain time, and so gained thltdaywan&'the
damages; and when the verdict was given an indign Ad old lady was
heard to exclaim on leaving the court, "How calAu ona expect a
WALL-eyed party to read anything?"'

,TIHis is a strange tale of an alligator:-
A Florida alligator recently deceased, reported to hbve had two billiardballs in
its stomach. The-directors, however, couldn't "find thecue."
Nor can we! If it had been a crocodile we might have traced a
connection with pyramids." Though for thait-matter we don't see
why the deceased alligator might not have losathis life in,a public
Curing him I
CHICAGO is famous for, its bacon. Here's a wife who haas4M curing
her husband bacon-wise :-
Mr. and Mrs. Sanson, of Chicago, filed cross bills for divorce. .]iettlifed that
she poured a.pailful of boiling water over his bead, and thewnscraped''th hair off
with a pan, -he submitting-' to see how' far she would go."
We'll bet she didn't go far'through a head so dense as to submit to
such an operation.

Wanted-a' Transformation Scene.
THE Dragon of Wantley will doubtless amuse some thousands of
West-enders-would thatrome good fairy might spirit away from the
East-end the Dragon-of Want.

JANUARY 7. 1871.]



THOSE who do not
I now me may per-
haps believe the
who know me will not.
Still it is quite true.
REGINALD was a plea.,
sant old gentleman with
a fine sense of humour.
He had considerable
property and lived on
W imbledon Common.
He had one beautiful
S e o edaughter-but that is
,not to the point.
One afternoon, as
reading books in his
drawing. room, it was
announced to him that
Wa Common Man de-
.sired to speak with
He" gave orders that
the Common Man should beadmitted.s. And admitted, the Common
Man was.
He was a very Common Man indeed. A tshai~ lig
fellow with an irresolute manner and a shrinking, eyes.. H03was
pressed as costermongers are dressed when following their calli g.
"What is your pleasure, goodsai4,lsaid OLD REGINALD.
"oBeg pardon, guv'nor," said thel3B anmon Man, "I hopes ou won't
be hard on me."
"Not at all," replied OLD REGINALD. :
"I'm-I'm a Burglar," said the Common Man..
"Indeed!" said R.GINALD. "Take a chair "
"Thank you kindly, gav'nor," said he, "but I'd a'her stand."
And he did stand.
So far there is nothing very incredible in my story.. But it gets
more remarkable as it goes on.
"How do you like your profession?" said OLD REGINALD.
"Well, guv'nor," said the Common Man "I don't like it noways,
and that's it."
"That's what ?"
"That's why I'm here. I belongs to a gang of twelve wot'* work-
ing these parts just now. We cracks cribs by turns. It's-it's my
turn to-night."
And the Burglar'wept like.a~oi ,
This, I preaume,.is Rioue-dI OLD REGINALD.
"No, guvUeiit ai h*Reaoumi e 4 theBburglar. It's Funk."
"The. ames ogkhltm. n s .
It ais thei arB*gar'that.I objeotetoo It'so the having to
commit. -is I like' the credit of it, sir,, it's the danger I
object ta d '
"No*rbyriA*s.ofeur gag we'retou &*craok cribs in turn.
That is.n ,ot4 i one 'of .us
cracks -ight? Iwhile, he;
other ,oelmt atcl outside, ,
and gi:wh*.Offi A', :
',.I./ ge.rs al-.
ways -wv@*d in, -twos or
threes said OLD, REGI-
"P'raps'. ought to know .
best?" suggested the Bur-
"Perhaps you ought.- In-
deed I am sure you ought.
What crib do you propose
to crack to-night P"
"This here one.".
"Mine ?"
prepared to ring the bell.
"Please don't do that,
guv'nor. You ain't never
a-going to give me into uens-
tody ?"

"Well, I think it would be better."
"No, no, auv'nor, don't do that. Listen to me first. I ain't a-going
to hurt you."
It's my turn to crack your crib to-night. Now will 3 ou help
me ?"
"I hardly see my way," said OLD REGINALD, thoughtfully. "Still,
if I can be of any use--"
Look here, guv'nor; eachmember of our gang is bound to get fifty
pounds worth of swag from each crib he cracks. If he dont he's shot.
Now, I see a handsome silver salver and coffee pot and, creamjug as I
come in here. Wot might be the value of that handsome:silver salver
andicoffee pot?"
"The cream jug is electro. The coffee pot with sugar basin and
salver may be worth five and forty pounds."
"That's near enough. I'll take 'em. Here is a flimsy for fifty
And he handed OLD REGINALD a bank note for that amount.
"Still I don't quite understand--"
"I want's you, guv'nor, to be. so good as to leave your bedroom
window open tonight and place'that salver and them silver traps where
I can get 'em. handy. I shall have cracked my crib, bagged my swag,
and made myself safe Antil my turn comes round again."
"Certainly," said QD REGINA.aD, holding up the note to the light.
"But, let me ask, howecan you.iaftbrd to pay so handsomely for your
depredations ?"
There are a dozen on us,-sirir Each of us cracks a crib once in
four months and each swagsat4eastsfifty pounds worth- often more,
but at least that. After each,,iplant, the profits are divided. List
quarter, the twelve cribsawe, cracked brought us in eleven hundred
pound.-that's ninety pounds odd a piece. When my turn comes, I-
pays a fair price for the fifty pounds worth I swags (for I have been
honourable brought up) and I gets forty pounds to the good. And
forty pounds a quarter is a hundred and sixty pound.- a year. And I
lives on it. Sometimes it's more-now and then it's less, but wotever
it is, I lives on it."
And the honest fellow took a receipt for the note and departed.
OLD REGINALD was as good as his word. He left his bedroom
window open and placed the salver where the Honest Burglar could
readily find it. The Honest Burglar was as good as his word, and at
two o'clock in the morning he came and found it.
So far all was simple and straightforward enough. But now comes
the curious and incredible part
of my story,
The fifty pound note was part
of the prqeeeds of a previous
burglary,. The number of the
note was akmpwn, and traced to
OLD RGINMAD who had to ao-
count for itosbeing in hisnosusB.
Now the twelve burglas!W4
in the meantime been armn"ted
by the police (this is also inere-
dible) and were condemnedi to
penal'ervitude for life.
So. ,Ou REGINALD had ,no
hesitatift. in stating the IAote
No oneja.elieveil himn,;gsa o;A
obnawiUllbive me.
So. he1agypaled to the Honest
Burgla tomorroborate his story.
But the gonest Burglar, hav-
ing discovered thatthe whole..
thing, coffee pot, salver, and all. ,'
was the commonest electro, was
so shocked at OLD REGINALD'S
dishonesty, that not only did he decline to corr4b ~) lhiso but
actually and, I think, very properly identified,,hi', .acspa .
And OLD REGINALD Was also sentenced to(pep t ad he
and the Honest Burglar worked for many e.on he same
works and had many opportunities of y ta :-VMrvffm its
moral, social, and politicalpoints of view.,

A connspooNDENT wishes to know if the horses occasionally intro.
d4noed (inz)sac)mecquisit taSte() on the boards of a theatre are rubbed
'dow with stage/wisp-et ,
NorTz.Thts so incredible -that Itio.neeessary tp explain, howit he en04.
lhe'Honest Zt'glar, nothaving sepured his fifty pounds worth of booty (for the
coffee pOt, &c., turned out, as will be seen by thesequel, to be.electro), wam doomeie
to be shot. This caused the honest fellow to give such information to the police as
ensured the capture of the gang.

8 F N. rJAuARY 7, 1871.

. ,/) I[ I I nA .a



S150 C" Irair

1~~J\\\ ,~

1. The Directors put their heads together. Grand anti-matrimonial results. 4. Matri-money,-any money not under 150 per aanum.
2. Even Bank Directors are but men, and let us hope there are still such things as 5. For the Directors, with the ccapliments of the season.
curtain lectures.
3. Should not the unfortunates, be labelled, in order that young ladies might be on 6. We presume this is the sort of thing of which the Board approves.
their guard? 7. A degrading spectacle indeed-domestic bliss on 100 per annum!

IF TJ IN .,-JANUARY 7, 1871.


JANUARY T, 1871.]

Or all the cries on all the earth,
To make a clever man regret
That Thespis ever came to birth
And started with his wagonette-
A cry there is-the very first
Of evils in the trying way;
The most persistent and the worst-
I want an order for the play!"
You don the buskin or the sock,
To act as often as you can;
Or, black amongst a blacker flock,
Become a literary man.
No matter where you choose to go,
No matter what you do or say
This cry pursues you to and fro-
"I want an order for the play "
Your country cousins come to town,
At mistletoe and holly time;
They hunt you up and hunt you down
To send them to a pantomime.
Your uncle, or perhaps your aunt,
Prefers to go and not to pay:
You cannot answer with a shan't,"
"I want an order for the play!"
Your tailor begs a box, perchance;
Or else your friend, your very best.
Your lovely partner in a dance
Lisps out the very same request.
In fact, you, may as well prepare-
From dawn to dusk, from day to day
To hear this echo everywhere;-
"I want an order for the play!"

Plane Mpeaking.
WE are getting a little tored with pamphlets and
other publications from a MB. JoHN HAMPFis, of
Swindon, who takes the decided pseudonym of Com-
mon Sense." He insists that the-world is not a globe
,but a flat. Well! if it will content him (and relieve
us of his missives), we don't mind admitting this much,
that if the rest of the world is like.him it is a flat. Will
that satisfy him F

WE can safely recommend MB. CooTE's Robnson Crusoe, Tale of the
Tub, &c. (BonDIE AND MIDDLETON, Long Acre), when we give the
grounds for our recommendation:-Firstly, because each book may be
purchased at the small price of sixpence which, oute qui coute, is
about five times more than it's worth. Secondly, because they're
intended for magic lantern lectures for children, into whose minds it
is desirable to instil such slang expressions as I'll have your cat,"
and such refinements 'of pronunciation as are implied by jokes about
"firm and terra firmer." Thirdly: because age should command
respect with children, and that from that point of view all the jokes
are eminently respectable. Finally, because any one with ordinary
ability and a magiu lantern could improvise better lectures.
Of all the comic publications we have seen for some time, commend
us to A Lementation on Republican .France (VA j.Rome) by MR. ST. JoHN
BRENNAN. It reminds us of the Swinbumnian MuMe, intoxicated on
pap. What is the meaning (or metre for that matter) of "a throne
plastered with song F" Unless the author mean- plastered with
ballad sheets, we really don't see his figure. The whole thing is an
excellent joke, but we warn its author (seeing he announces several
other volumes of poems ") that it is a joke likely to pall on repeti-
The Bill Posters' Directory will be invaluable to publishers, public
entertainers, and a host of others, containing as it does the names of
bill-posters, number and nature of public rooms, and titles of news-
papers in all the principal towns of Great Britain and Ireland.
Illustrated Plying .Sheets (TRuBNER, Paternoster Row) will be a
delight to the little folk; but the oldsters will enjoy it too, for it is
full of those quaint Munich pictures which are a joy for ever to those
who know them. The silhouettes especially, by PAUL KONEWKA, are
beyond all question the best things of the kind that have ever been
MESBns. MASTER HODGsoN AND Co. are determined it seems that it
shall be no fault of theirs if the Emerald Isle is in ill odour. Their


Bosie:-" Ou, BaLLA, IT'S 80o CAPITAL! IrF YOU TAND s0, THE wnD
WILL CARRY YOU AWAY !" [Oharlie withes Ae were the wind I

new perf times Lothair," The Flowers of Tallahogue and "InI
Memoriam are not only fragrant, but boast a scent which if followed!
up properly will encourage a new Irish industry.

"Taoov art gone from my gaze as a beautiful dream,"
And never again wilt thou gladden my sight !
As I stood on the "bridge," 'spite the wind s wailing scream,
Whilst we breasted the current of Thames' muddy streak%
Thou did'st leave me, unkind one, to shibt, as I might I
Ah! I how little I thought as I gazed on those charms-
And paid, all too costly, six bob and a spat -
Thou wert fickle as fair and, alas, from these arms
Would'st be k a bird-mid the tempest's alarms-
My neat and' expensive new wideawake hat!

A SHAKESPrEIAN clownand two mu'sicianers of the igist class
were once on a time at an hostelerie; and they bethought them they
would drink, but to cheer the cup they were about to crush they said
they would e'en toss up, or to be strict in terms, go the eccentric
man out !
Head, for a ducat, head!" cried the clown.
Which it did.
The tenor tossed with a fiver having no smaller change-such is
the changeless luck of tenors, the even tenor of their way.
He was head teo.
Bass," said the clown, luoking the stout and deep-toned vocalist
in the face, Bass is the slave that pays."
Oh, SHAKESPzARF, SHAKESPzEAR, what outrages are committed in
thy name!

C.-:_Jjm 111 L 1 .11

FUN.[JAuARY 7, 1871.



King Pantomime.

Queen Burhlsque.'

Prime Minister, "Citizen" kAerriman. High Admiral Paul Herring.

Lady of the Bedchamber. Ataster of the Buckhounds. Royal Basso and Tenor.

A Cruel Outrage.
A GENTLEMAN in the disguise of a friend called on us at our office
and committed the following cruel outrage upon us. "What," he
asked, is the difference between a plan of a battlefield and a roasted
pippin ? After many vain struggles, we assured him we gave it up.
" One," said he, "is a war-map-the other a warm apple." He had
the cruelty to lea*e us without an- attempt to resuscitate us, and we
were found several houis afterwards in our easy chair with a cigar in
our mouth and our feet on the mantelpiece. We have communicated

with the police. They wished us the compliments of the season with
the usual fatal results.
Evolved from a Numskull.
THosE who would preserve their health should ride little and walk
often-it's so easy to catch cold in a nmnb-nibus.
PARIsH-the thought I as the indignant labouring man, out of
employment, exclaimed when offered "The House."


ANOTHER eclipse of the sun. General Sol superseded. =-Newcastle Daily Chron-
fle twice slays the slain." Says the prisoners turned on the deceased and in a
most brutal manner killed him. He was removed to the Infirmary where he died
shortly afterwards 'I= Boxing Day celebrated by Christmas boxes on the year. =
King of Ptussia continues to prey for victory. = Paris not yet occupied by Prus-
sians. Prussians fully occupied with Paris. = Another railway accident. Defec-
tive tire. We are tired of defective system. = Paris runs short of coals. Fuel
and far between. Prussians will soon supply firing enough. = Intense cold. Hope
it will soon be in-past-tense. = Prussians have sunk six British colliers. Our
Government will retort with coals of fire. = Tupper's readings. He can't read,
and no one went to hear him. Obvious result, a triumph I = British farmer send-
ing out seeds to ruined French people. He will be looking after his labourers
next = Lord Lawrence Chairman of School Board. If the Horticultural Society
will give a.prize for sour grapes, the show will be large. = Immenstecompetition
for Secretaryship to Board. We should give the successful.aandidate a good
retiring pension, and hang the others I General Guerilla to be shot at Marseilles
for retreating. It's one of the first principles of Guerilla warfare =sSupply of beef
exhorseted in Paris.= Great Britain getting-up madbecause of ollierasunk in Seine.
= American -threw himself out of the window of the Albemarle Hotel. Why?
"Irritated because he could not spend the winter in Paris I "= Miss Ricketts head
of Biighton School Board poll. Rickets are not catching. = Pardoned Fenians
grumble:JIustalike 'em. We never did. = Testimonial to Prim from grateful
Spain-*w's bullets.

THE proud Romah nose,
If to battle it goes,
By the fist of the foe may be shattered;
But the nose that is snub
Never cares for a rub,
And will flourish in beauty though battered.
Dear FANNY !
The nose that is snub
Never cares for a rub,
And will flourish in beauty though battered.
This snub nose of mine,
Though LAVATEa assign
To its owner some qualities bestial,
To poetical eyes
"Excelsior !" cries,
And proves all its longings celestial.
Dear FANNY !
My nose to my eyes
'"iExcelsior "' cries,
And indicates longings celestial!
And, as noses, you know,
Are for use, not for show,
How the snobawho at snub noses carp, err;
My nose, you observe,
Cannot boast beauty's curve,
But at smelling what nose could be sharper ?
Dear FANNY !
My nose, you observe,
Cannot boast beauty's curve,
But at smelling what nose could be sharper?

What-Do They Deserve P
TaEmitis no smoke without fire. For some time past-within the
last year or so-a set of uninteresting fools, instigated possibly by a,
set of interested rogues, have been obstinately opposing vaccination,
and encouraging the ignorant poor to evade and resist-the Vaccination
Act. There was the smoke, noxious enough, and now we begin to see
the smouldering fire :-
Smallpox prevails in London to such an alarming extent that amongst the pauper
population alone there are at present, 308 known cases. The increase of the
epidemic is especially notable in the East-End.
Those, who have misguided the ignorant poor, with this result, should
be compulsorily vaccinated, not with JENME8's vaccine lymph, but a
Jenner-ous application of cowhide._

Quick Travelling.
A sco iTrzI writer puts this mild proposition before us,:-
The initial velocity of. the gaes developed by the combustion of gunpowder is
about 7,000 feet (nearly one mile and quarter) per- second,-say from London to
Margate, in a minute.
No, thank you! 'When we want to go for a "blow to Margate we
would rather walk than be conveyed, by the most elegant, combustion
that refined gunpowder could be capable of.

The Lark, the Liver, and the Lac.
ON the authority of a daily newspaper we are informed that three
individuals did a short time back lay waste the property of divers Bow
tradesmen. We are told that they specially selected the shop of a
respectable man for outrage, pelting each other with the respectable
man's fish till they were tired, and then throwing the rest of his stock
into the adjoining house. The reporter then goes on:-
They visited a butcher's shop and seized a calve's (sic) liver, which they flourished
and threw into the middle o the road. After capsizing, several things they reach-
ed Bromley, and, observing a, milkman, they upset a large milk can containing two
gallons of milk, and the lacteal stream was spilled over the footpath. This was the
end of their spree, as they termed it. They were all captured, and consigned to
durance vile.
Imagine, if iybau an, three burly ifellowd, nourishing the liver of a
calve," 'afathrowing it into the centre of the Bow-road. This was
no commonuaction, but it must be observed that these were no common
men, for are we not told that by the simple fact of their observing a
milkman they upset a large can, for which they were, by some ignorant
policeman of course, consigned to durancee vile," where Mi., PAGET
after due admonition, sentenced each to pay a fine of 10s. Wo aro
glad to see that clever men are respected by someone besides.ourselves,
and beg to propose.that for his luenit.M. PAGET receives, a testimonial,
which should mostrappropiately'take the form of a calve's liver and a
lacteal stream.

ON the principle, that" who.slays fat oxen should himself be fat,"
we presume those-who :eep carnivorous animals must be expected to
betray ferociousinatincts. At aWy rate the members of the Zoological
Society the otherday/listened, without a murmur-iunless.a murmur of
anticipative delight-to theproposition that:-
It was very desirable to make a second attempt to get a live manatee for the
London gardens.
Dire as have been the sufferings of the Parisianl from want of food,
they have not displayed the same cannibaklpropensities as we find,
these scientific enthusiasts exhibit in their:diesie to have a live-man-

&.01lassic Con.
WHEN was Aurora like Great Britain? When she was s89 delighted
at getting rid of her Tithe-onus.

Susioas to 60am puagests,

[We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
T. T.-Act on principle do you P In our opinion those who do things
"on principle" generally keep an eye on their own interest.
ONE MORE.-If your errors against Prosody were duly punished you
would be liable to a heavy sin-tax.
JEMMY TAPE-would hardly be Read Tape if published.
ALF. P. (Boundary-road, St. John's-wood) sends us that fur-lorne joke
again and wants thirty stamps for it by return." We have stamped often
.enough under the infliction. We shall begin to-kick soon.
MEDICUS -You're a Cure! We hope your patients say so, too.
TRAVYILEUR.-You must be, indeed, you've, fetched that joke from such
a distance.
HoRAoi OD XI. Boox I.-Not quite the subject for a joke just now.
S (Ludlow).-Ses Dictionary for meaning of repeal."
CLAPTRAP.-NO, thank you. Convey our high consideration to Bosh,
your brother, and giumbug, your mother-in-law twice r-moved. (Most
people, we believe, envy you. They would be satisfied if their mothers-in-
law were once removed.)
C. D. B.-Your Pegasus is about the roughest goer we ever met with.
We detect a very decided spavin in his off foreleg. Sell him and get a
A CHAMPION or HE SEx.-But, dear madam, are not the shrieking
sisters, who talk about Woman's Rights, as a rule disappointed old maids
-Man's Lefts, that is to say ?
R. A. R. (Kennington).-Thanks; but it would be doing him too much
B. TRESSILIAN.-Send your address, and you shall have an answer.
W. C. (Edinburgh).-+-Thejournal is one ..that it is scarcely worth your
while noticing.
I. C. (Wardour-street).-We cannot return MSS. unless the senders
take the trouble to comply with our rules. See above.
Declined with thanks:-F. S.; A. F., Pitlochry : Barkis, Carmarthen,
F. D.; B. M.; F. R.; Inventus; R. A., Home Office; "A Collision;'
H. F. A., Upper Sydenham; Constant Reader; R. B., Maft-.lane; B. B.;
A. N., Mile End; B., Liverpool; C. R., Edinburgh: S.; P. It.; Sub-
scriber, Chichester; J. M S. ; Septimus S.; W. T., Walworth; Toodles;
J. M. L..; B., Leeds; C. F., Dalston; Brag; S. L. F. D.; C.M., Islington;
D., Liverpool; Cuss; The Eldest; P. P.; T.J., Manchester; Seedy Swell;
F., Highbury; Curiosus; Director; V. W.; Plenipo; S. R. M.

JA -ARY 7, 1871.]


[JANUARY 7, 1871.'

WOUNDED [Serjeant ugh feel* intensely flattered, of course !

THE Cornhill is a good number this month. MR. GEORGE
MEREDITH'S Harry Richmond improves on acquaintance. There
are two capital papers also-"Sheep-shearing" and the Venetian
In Belgravia the most noticeable paper is "Year One of the
Republic," by the late Paris correspondent of the Telegraph. M.
OLLIER'S "Thoughts in War Time" is much above the average of
magazine verse.
We have received samples of the various forms in which MEsssBS.
LETTS turn out their world-renowned diaries. He must be difficult to
please who cannot in such a variety discover one suited for his
MESSRS. CARTER'S admirable Vade Mecum is enlarged and improved
this season, and'is accompanied ,by an order sheet, which greatly
assists the intending purchaser. This spirited firm overcomes the
inconvenience arising from the abolition of the sample post, by
sending all seeds, &c., free. A sell for the Postmaster General!

The City Diary, which is issued by the City Press, is in every
respect worthy of the repute of that excellent paper.
The Oxford and Cambridge Toilet Club Almanao of Ma. CLEMENTS of
the Poultry is quite novel and original, and decidedly one of the
prettiest of the many pretty publications of the kind, this season.
The Chemists and Druggists' Almanac is as excellent as ever this year.
Among other things it teaches, the reader How to Live "-and the
answer is not by avoiding doctors."

The Good Time.
THE other day forty-eight South London tradesmen were fined for
deficient weights and measures. It is high time the public had a mea-
sure-from the Legislature. When that good time comes the traders
will have to "weight a little longer" instead of having short weights.

NOTICE.-Noso ready, the Nineteenth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d. ;. post free, 5s.; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.


(Late HANCOCK and COMPANY, Limited) introducer of the celebrated
Frbm 30 to 50 per oent. less than hand-made, and more perfect.
The New Illustrated Catalogue, bound in cloth, Free for Two Stamps.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Priblished (for the Proprietor), at, 80, Fleet-street, t.0, -London: January 7, 1871.


JAUAR 14, 1871.j FUN. 15

I wmISH you-well, what shall I wish P ---
For if your case to mine bears affinity,
All that comes to your net will be fish,
And good luck be a real divinity.
I wish you a happy New Year,
With no troubles and worries to fret it;
And to prove that my words are sincere,
Let me add that I wish you may get it.
May your friends all be honest and true;
May your foes be all open, avowed ones;
May you get all your debts when they're due;
May the praises that greet you be loud ones;
If these are the things you desire,
'Tis an honest ambition; to whet it,
Permit me to say I admire
Your object-and wish you may get it!
May your home be a haven of peace;
May your wife be still fond and caressing;
May your comfort for ever increase;
May your children be always a blessing;
May each scheme you engage in succeed,
And may nothing occur to upset it:
Ah, that would be bliss! And, indeed,
Sincerely-1 wish you may get it!
May you never o'erdraw at your bank,
Though you've generous e'en to excess been;
And may some of your pensioners thank
The hand, that has kind in distress been;
May you ne'er say a good word in vain-
Do a good deed-and have to regret it.
If you only get this, 'tis a gain
Past counting. I wish you may get it!
The chance is against you, of course;
And when the long twelvemonth is finished,
Your trouble will all be in force,
Your happiness somewhat diminished.
In that case your comfort you'll find-
And experience is sure to abet it-
In a conscience that's clear, and a mind AS LONG AS IT'S BROAD.
Contented. I wish you may get it! Charlie (reading):-" THE THERMOMETER REGISTERED 12 DEGREES BSLOW
NOT IN THE WRONG Box. The nice young man Tom (drly) :-" THAT IS NOT FAHRENHEIT.
for a small tea-party: The tea-eadet. Charlie (more dryly) :-" No; RUT IT IS VERY-PAR-IN-COLD.

WE have heard that the agonies of some gentlemen who undertake
to do special and picturesque account a of battles, sieges, &c., are, when
the time for work arrives, not much less severe than those of the wounded
belligerents. Parted are their periods, severed their sentences, and
nipped in the bud are the great historic word-paintings which were to
have become so famous. Did the general press but follow the example of
its leading sporting contemporary all might yet be well. Yielding to
the universal demand for picturesque English, the Sporting Life looked
round for a man worthy of and equal to the occasion, and having
found one, boldly launched him on the sea of ice in the Parks. No
less boldly the inspector went on his rounds, and in due course, a
beautiful article appeared in the already sparkling columns of the
Life-an article which must have made all the other sporting papers
in London pale their ink with envy. Nobly he describes his journey,
commencing with the following soul-stirring words:-
"Hard lines for the skaters to-morrow were the first words that greeted our
ears on emerging into Fleet-street yesterday.
What eloquence! What fancy! And then what powers of observa-
Journeying westwards through the Green Park, amid a severe and blinding
shower of snow, one could hardly fail to be struck with the singular and weird look
of the trees standing out bare and black against the white snow .... Life-
guard-men, grenadiers, costermongers, idlers, holiday makers, and every human
genus were well represented; nor was the gentler attraction of ladies in every grade
ofsociety wanting to add charms to a scene which for variety and homogeneousness
could hardly be equalled.
Oh, thrice happy Sporting Life, to possess a reporter of such wealth
in ideas and glorious language with which to clothe them. But our
astonishment increases as we proceed. After describing the "kaleido-
scopic scene" our friend proceeds in what our transatlantic friends
would call a nonsequitous manner :
The slides afforded the most varied study of humanity, boys, middle aged and
elderly men all following one another down the slippery promenade with the

VOL. XI1r.

utmost regularity, and it was somewhat amusing to see those with spectacles-ere
venturinie on a slide-cnrefully remove them and put them into that pocket of their
coat which would be the first to meet the ice in the event of their falling.
How did each man find his own spectacles again P This our
informer did not wait to see, for proceeding through a Russian city
in winter (1) he emerged in Regent's Park, but here there must have
been a thaw, for we are told that "the water was thronged in all direc-
tions with pleasure seekers," and this idea is not dispelled when we
hear that" mixed and numerous was the throng that poured off tke

Not Genu-wine.
THERE seems less of a stationery character thha1 of a go-ahead one
At Leeds, John Sherry, stationer, has been fined 5 for personating a voter at
the School Board election.
Perhaps he was only obliging:-vide playbills-" in the unavoidable
absence of MR. BLANK, the character will be sup-port-ed by Ma.
Sanarx "-unsophisticated of coarse.

Ply Not Yet.
MRS. PRALAMOP having read that "The Flying Squadron was
ordered to Bermuda" said she hbd heard a good deal about ballooning
during this war, but she had no idea we had a balloon fleet in
A Needless Enquiry.
WHEN you take a stitch in time do you hem-brace an opportu-
nity ? We think sew.

WHY does the gorilla prefer the tropics to any other part of the
world ? Because it's the only place he can call his zone.

.FUN OF77C0, Wednesday, January 14th, 1871.
IHE great struggle between France and Prussia still continues,
and may still be prolonged, for there is truth in GARIBALDif'
words Paris is not France," and the fall of the capital may not
conclude the campaign. Both nations have gone through a
terrible trial. France has been tried by adversity,-Prussia by
success. Of the two trials the latter is the more difficult to sustain.
With nations as with individuals adversity often developed unsuspected\
virtues, and splended heroism. Success on the other hand has not:
seldom destroyed noble characters, and betrayed meanness'andigreedK
in those the world supposed perfect.
Let Prussia beware of the whisperings of the Demon oftSuccessaL

ON Thames's breast the mimic icebergs float,
The which our lads with eager glances note;
Thinking, mayhap, o'er its imprisoned tide
On ringing: keel of gleaming steel to glide,
And keep- Frost Fair, as in a former day
'Twas held on Thames, they hear their grandsires sayr
1. What all seek as a blessing:
Yet what-folks once possessing,'
May.find *as the reverse--
No blessing but a curse.
Stilt wish we Fate would us
Accustom to that cuss!
2. He chews of dark remorse the cud,
Who sheds-so history teaches-blood!
Another fluid be it said,
'Tis oft as perilous to shed.
An easy conscience would you feel,
Stain not with that your spotless steel-
3. Once she illumed a bright and sacred lamp:
Bat now, alas, for the burglarious scamp
(How easily from good to ill we can turn!)
She lights a dark and an unholy lantern.,
4. The Directors they gathered around their Chair,
For the whole directorial body was there,
And they made a decree
To this effect-" We
Do hereby declare we'll consign to OLD HARRY
Any clerk we possess
Who Ventures on less
Than one hundred and fifty per annum to marry.
5. When little charity-children meet
On grand occasions, they do not eat,
Though buns in plenty, and cake galore,
Make the tables groan with their ample store. .,
Now what the charity-children do
The penny-a-liner will-tell to you.
SOLUTION or AcnOSTIC No. 199. A New Year :--ArraA, Nacre,
Emma, War.
CORRECT SOLUTnroS oF ACROSTIo No. 199, RECEIVED 4th JAN.-Ashleigh; Timothy
and Co.; Asphaltus; D. E. H.

Literary Notice.
WE are astonished to find among the literary announcements of
Mzssas. LONGMANS AND Co. the following startling passage:-
MR. MELVILLE is too well-known and too popular an author to suffer
from this; but it should be a warning to writers to select titles for
their works which are not capable of misinterpretation.

"If you're waking, Karl," &c.
KARL BLIND has written a letter to the Times
Ridiculing Earl Rus'el's idea of this country being threatened by Germany. He
points out that Schiller styled this country" the bulwark against tyrants."
We are not BLIND, and so cannot see the connection. As for the
bulwark against tyrants," the BULL hasn't been working tnat way of
late. He has been paying less attention to Schiller than to silver.

A very Old Grievance.
ARCHIMEDES only wanted a lever of sufficient length and rulcrum
to move the world; even inin those day the "purchase" system was
How TO FRITTER AWAY Tism ?-In making omelettes.

IN the sandwich Islands it is death .for a man's mother-ia-law to vi-it him
without permission. Happy Sandwich Islandert!- ide Press.
WHO was it, when I first was wed,
Declared I was her dear son FRED,"
But didn't mean a word she said?
My Mother-in-law.
Who, when our honeymoon was o'er,
Came just to stay a week-no more!-
And proved herself a horrid bore ?
My Mother-in-law.
Who-coming for a week to stay-
Remained serene, day after day,
And showed no wish to go away?
My Mother-in-law.
Who sowed the seeds of married strife
Between the husband and the wife,
And brought a blight upon our life ?
My Mother-in-law.
Who never lets a quarrel flag ?
Whose tongue is ne'er too tired to wag ?
Who taught her daughter how to nag ?
My Mother-in-law.
Whom would I fain-ah, fain beguile .
To some far-distant Sandwich Isle-
The infamous old crocodile ?
My Mother-in-law.

A VALUED contributor, whose rhymes are generally so fluent that
we have more than once or twice been compelled to remonstrate with
him for putting too much water in his ink, writes to inform us that
the genial current of his soul has been frozen up. He had planted,
he says, a. seasonable little poem, which was to have been composed
in triplets, on the model of MR. TxENNson's "Two Voices." Having
arranged all his rhymes, somehow after the order following-
............... snow ............... drip ............... breeze
threw .......... slip ...............ip knees
....... ... onl ............... trip; .. ............ freeze-
he found, on turning the tap of his imagination, that it-refused to run
at more than the rate of one line for three. The result is curious, and,
in a manner, perhaps unintended, striking. We have, it is true, met
with something like it before, in a certain work called" Whims and
Oddities"; but it would be odd indeed if a whim were not to be
repeated, say, once and a half in a generation and three-quarters. At
any rate, here is our chilly contributor's contribution:-
"No more the steamboats o'er the wide tide glide,
Or, when the narrow stream is low, go slow:
Or when the Thames is making slack track, back,
To keep the vessel off the fore-shore, ori
Not to be technical, and drop shop, stop.
No more from London Bridge away may they
Start, or to Chelsea's lonely pier steer near !
The river's all blocked up with ice. Nice price
To go by road! Though cab and bus cus uis
When twice the sum we on a May day pay
Is now received with scorn as their bare fare. '
The poet in the public parks marks larks
Beneath the notice of his pen, when ten
Shillings is all the cash he's seen (mean, mean !)
To spend upon himself and some rum chum,"
For charges, he assures you, he has actually been out of pocket,
sir, in your service, what with cabbing down to Kensington, and
walking across to Wandsworth, and bussing over to Battersea, and
giving sixpence to this fellow, and a shilling to that, and looking in
here for a drop of brandy-and-water, and pulling up there for a glass
of ale, and watering the horses incessantly, and I really must say,
when you come to consider-the matter in a fair light, and you ought
to be well aware that I am not the Poet to aslc more than is right and
proper, that half-a-sovereign in advance for personal expenses will not
go far between two in such weather as this, which has froze Joe's
nose, though I forgot to bring in those rhymes before, or more. I am
fully aware, as I stated in a private note, that my faculties are unfor-
tunately congealed, for a time. But I must throw myself on your
kindness and generosity, at this inclement though festive season; and
meanwhile I am, dear Sir, your obedient servant, promising on future
occasions to write with pith, SITH "

]F7 [JANU I ART 14, 1871-,


or ANNO DOMINI 1870.
IT is now the commencement of 1871, and as a natural consequence
the oldand-effete year of Anno Domini 1870 has passed intd oblivion
and inta that bourne from which no dominies return.
Yes hail-ithe sweet new year; For am I not still here ? Still lead-
iagoithe:van, And .almost now a gentleman!
7hbat'sany. idea of verse, none of your long rigmaroles that one can't
follow. iLl ust here beg to remind my readers that the word van, as
expressddiimmy poetic, muse above, has no reference to four-wheeled
conveyancesc;ppringedor otherwise, for the transportation of goods or
passag.ridby the.day, week, or hour, at moderate charges, or by the
job; SWpo;waken.I took to-writingtthe sporting leaders which have
astonisEhlddtthe.world duingiihe past few years, I gave up the moving,
Stdde aziduthough I iltElU:hM.amy pen.as though it were a coal-scoop
n:-bbdynm6tieesithat,-.hen-libeswork comes out in all the dignity of
largeftype,.and- thoughfl.:ean' twrite straight -even yet, that doesn't
unubhhtertoathet nlilic.
iThe season I.mimke these.remak~ks; Sir, is because a lot of people in
Shhir: jealuny ofus my'bigh-oand elevated,'not to say lofty, position as a
sporing.-writertanriing alone-quite lonee. asunre you-have begun
to imitate any style of diction. I call it dictionadvisedly, because I
.always use a dictionary when I am writing. "These parties, finding
how vain is the attempt to produces auohmatter as mine, have in their
dissatisfaction fallen: back on the -uppiiinnialid plan of talking slight-
-ingly.of akman-who though I say it as shouldn't-isn't fit to be
compared with them.
Yet if their minds to obloquy theyrturn, They'll find I'll meet them
with my gaze so stern, That never more they'll venture to asperse, A
,man as sblemn asia funeral hearse.
fremourseithelasty.parttiso'oidlyfor the rhyme. I am of quite a
:laifferenat-ast>6feiountenancesa,-you know.
IBat- to --trentmttohe: van; -tand ifter that I will go on with the
rrtrespective'glanedhackwaird.at tlhe past year.
TbThe-van'.l-meatiis--wdl it's-,not anything that goes on wheels; it's
.a F!gure-.ofeapeehh-and :as I've mislaid my dictionary I can't iay
exably *ihat. -Iddoklnow however that I lead the van of. sporting
writets-.nbt-that Fve* everseenit-but because I've been told so on
the authoTity-of -a man who looks over my work in the paper upon
whose circulation the sun never sets-need I say I refer to the
Diurnal Eluctrum ?
On mature consideration however I think I will not retrospise. Not'
that I am afraid you would discover anything against me, for you
can't be always expecting me to give winners; and when I do make
a mistake I always prove it's the horse's fault and not mine. Didn't
I:go for Kingeraft when Macgregor won; and didn't I say Macgregor
must walk in when Kingcraft landed ? And then didn't I say
Macgregor was a "puffed-up impostor" ? And didn't I say Kingcraft
would win the Leger ? Ana didn't Hawthornden win ? And-well
that's a fair specimen of my last year's form, so we needn't go any
further, especially as my amanuensis (a young man who adds his
literary ability to my horseracing knowledge) has gone to spend his
holly days at home, and the Christmas tide.hasn't turned yet to bring
him back.
Perhaps if it had the fbregoing lines might have been a bit
There's an animal entered in each of. he Spring handicaps which is
certain to win. Yours literarily,

..ark-o+'Spada !
A CONTFIPORARY states that DR. COLLIs BBoWNE has invented a
new spade:-
The back forms, as occasion requies,.appdAe, a fry .gipansport5breastplate; the
handle can be used as a rest focitherpid and~dnaddition.-it can easily be iransform-
edinto a pick" and an axe. a.morgsat erminor.dotgils, ofithis novel implement
are a saw, a hammer, and a matchbox ;.addite whole!iaso' igat and portable as
to be easily carried on the march.
We are inclined to think this implementwill puzrietthose terrible
bores, who are always talking about "calling a spade a Spade." We
give them due notice we are going to buy a sample of themewinvan-
tion ; and if any of them comes worrying us ..about calling asppade -a
spade, we shall call our spade into requisition. After a fellow'-has
been fried, breastplated, rifled, picked, axed, sawed, hammered, and set
light to, the probabilities are he'll leave off calling a spade names.

Naval News.
We see there's a three gun double-screw gunboat in the service
called the Bulflnch. We beg to suggest that it should receive a new
name. Bulfinach is only appropriate to piping times of peace.

JANUARY 14, 1871.]

S ,. -: And hue&had thought
his- nakah-arms
Ware braweas light-
4 ing cocks,
.Who found delight in
'war's alarm,
And liked hlihard
-- thumps stand
Who loved the ,batfitedieaeearra.y,
Who still.would smitetandisparamet,
The boldest~warriorsa bhisiday.
"Graves !:" he.ciid;"kalend Igo
To reap a triumph'glorious I
Alone, will I defeat -the foe,
Alone, return victorious."
And-if the enemy had but
His fierce assault withatooid not-
He them in pieces He could not.
Back to his castle halls that day
Had LIONEL returned,
The conqueror in that furious fray,
What fame he would have earned I!
He would have won a laurel crown
Such as won e'en the Cidnot!
He would have gained a bright renown.
He did not.
Yet still, you say, although he failed,
For courage so intense,
That not a moment e'en it quailed
Before such odds immense,-
For pluck that bravely fought and fell,
Shall History, with her quill, not
Record the name of LIONEL ?
She will not.

Bound to Bath.
,THERE are a-set of madmen-or let us say of enthusiasts, it means
the same, hiqggand is more polite-who even in such weather as this
bathe in "the Serpeanine, where the ice is specially broken for them.
We thought these, water Cures were unsurpassable ; but it seems that
Canada .boastslbal'aers with water-on-the-brain more abnormally
developed. iBaths ,have been erected -above the falls of Niagara
*Enable:lthe' bather to enjpyithe sensation of a plunge-holding a rope, be it
understood-'*into the rapids ofaliagara. Though the nrst impression appears to be
that of-beingdorn lidib from limb, it is sAid,.after getting used to it, to be a
delightful sensation.
It's all very well to say "holding a rope" but suppose the rope
doesn't hold! Besides a cramp, a momentary spasm even might make
the-bather loosen his grip and then-well; there would be one fool less
in the world. People, who go to Bath in this perilously sensational
way, ought to have their heads shaved,-and a straight jacket fitted
on them.

IN answer to the anxiousienquiries of "Etiquette" we beg to say
that when a man is said to "take his hook it does not mean that he
"follows his bent."

Too FAsT.-How is money soonest wasted By ducks and-rakes.


his men
To battle with the
He raised hia&sword on
high, and then
He bade the hugles
The foe had vowed the
', county side
,To waste. 'He swore
they'should not.
''" Charge I" tohis mer-
ryman he cried.
They.wotild mot I

18 F U N [JANUARY 14, 1871.

A Precedent.
to have Cleopatra's
Needle brought to
England and erected
in honour of one of
our great generals.
History offers a pre-
cedentfor this, which
will at once occur
to our readers when
we quote the words
"Date Obelisk Be-

"BBwAze of the
Bull" is of course'
the indicative. But
how would you parse
the "cow mooed ?"

A Query.
WHEN "the tide
serves," do its "wai-
ters" all wear white
ties and Berlini

WHY is biting a
sixpence like oppo-
sition? Because
it's a counter-

" My mother bids me bind my hair" is a charming sog.

K H -*,I4 i'.0. .
i: '. ,,."

But in these days of chignons it must not be sung with too much spirit.

Wa are informed
by a philologist of
of great eminence
(he. lodges in an
attic) that'the super-
lative belonging- to
the comparative
"jeer" is "jest."

IT is said that it
is impossible to make
a rope of sand. We
haven't tried, but
really, we 'know
so many "strands "
ready made for the
purpose that we
don't see the diffi-

Don't Split.
who has been read-
- ing the sporting
papers lately, says
she is not sur-
.prised to learn, that
the turf is in a bad
way, there are so
very many "cracks"
on it.

FTJN.-JANUARY 14, 1871.


JAgtarY 14r 1871.7.

SOME people seldom think at all,
Though fancying they do;
What thoughts they have are very small,
And their ideas few!
A thought if it, by chance, should e'er
Within their heads be caught,
Is cherished with devoted care-
They want no Second Thought!
With one, brave thoughts come trooping on,
Like soldiers in review;
And, like the ranks when pass'd and gone,
Are soon forgotten too!
He never halts Thought's flying" feet,
To see with what 'tis fraught;
And so we hardly ever meet
In him, a Second Thought.
Another is so diffident,
And full of doubts and fears,
That thought to him seems only sent
For trouble, pain, and tears !
He hesitates some act to do,
Its reason must be sought-
Then puzzles as to what is due'
To adverse Second Thought!
There is a saying, often good,
But often bad confest-
A saying little understood-
That Second Thoughts are best."
They're often not so good-but then
This useful lesson's taught,
Well balance, both with speech and pen,
'Twixt First and Second Thought.
In life there are so many things
Our thoughts to occupy, I
While daily work'its duty brings,
And years go rolling by.
With rest and labour, woe and bliss,
There's little time for aught
But little trifles-such as this-
Which need no Second Thought!

A Rider. -
THE spur of the moment is a capital thing in con-
nection with a stir-up.




PaEFAcE.-These rules are intended for the study of young gentle-
men who can do nothing whatever to promote social festivity at this
genial season of the year. They will not only exonerate the student
from the task of amusing his fellow-creatures, but will also exclude
the possibility of his being invited anywhere a second time.
1. When the host asks you to dance:-Tell him you never did-never
could-won't-shan't! Say that you knew a man who danced
beautifully in his youth and was transported for life soon afterwards.
Ask-him whether he thinks it consistent with anything like intellect.
Give him a bit of your mind: Banter him in a cool and unconcerned
way about the greengrocer in evening dress who looks after the hats
and: overcoats downstairs. Tell him you should like to see him dance.
Have none of his impudence, and end by never dancing at all.
2. When the hostess implores you to sing :-Sprained your ankle in
two places. Joke about a lame excuse; then run away and hide
behind somebody until everything has blown over. Say that the gift
of song is bestowed only on the happy-the careless-the free'; and
that you've got something so awful the matter with you that you
really can't manage it. Laugh audibly, and confess that you know a
song about the merry, merry sunshine, but can only sing it in the
summer months when oysters are out of season. Left your music at
home. Anything you like; but, at all events, don't sing.
3'. When anybody asks you to say something funny :-Close the left
eye suddenly, keeping the right one quite stationary. Incline the
head slightly upon one shoulder, and thrust the tongue into the cavity
of either cheek. Place both hands upon )he knees, which must be
extended somewhat by an artistic foreshortening of the legs. When
the attention of the entire company has become riveted upon your
every movement, roll your head rapidly from side to side, smile

naturally, and exclaim with much liveliness (as if the notion had only
just struck you)-" Herd we are again I" If they don't like it, let
them go. /
4. When tht beloved one sits'next you at supper :-Eat nothing, except
while her deep and expressive eyes are turned another way. If the
eyes remain too long averted, you can recall them by gently nudging
their owner and suggesting the joint explosion of a beon-bon. At the
moment of detonation she will probably struggle to repress a shriek;
upon which you can declare phat she runs no risk so long as you are
there to protect her. You may also assume despondency and absence
of mind. Offer the beloved one mustard with tipsy-cake, spill the
salt in her champagne, et catera.
6. When the entire company urges you to go home :-Say that you
shan't if you don't like. They be hanged! Observations on the
freedom of England and liberty of the subject. Attempt metaphysics,
but shut up if an obvious and painful failure. Sing a little song about
not going home until the appearance of daylight. Try to quote an
epitaph beginning with Hic jacet." After pronouncing the first
word with emphasis you can say that you don't know any more Latin
and don't wish to. Leave the room with dignity if not with steadiness.
6. When the man gives you your hat and over-coat:-Tell him you are
excessively sorry that you have only a three-shilling piece in your
pocket, and you can see by the look of his eyes that he has no change.
Enquire affectionately after his wife and family. If he assumes an
insolent demeanour, hit him violently somewhere near the nose.
then order a five-wheeled cab, and inform the driver that you engage
by the century. Tell him to take you all round the Zodiac and by no
means to knock his head against the Equator.
7. When you get home :-Go to bed and sleep soundly and innocently
until the day after to morrow.

WHY is an arrest like newly-pitched palings ? Because it makes
one "tarry."

22 F N[JAkuARY 14, 1871.


Popsmash says "Why not combine the two amusements ?" A splendid idea: away-away Enormous success! He brings down his bird.

Another enormous success. Wonderful instance of the sagacity of the "friend of man." Owing to the severity of the cold, the faithful
creature is frozen to his master's coat.

A surgical operation is required. (Siamese Twins,
please note.)

A frozen dog and a tailless man were seen urging
their wild career.

They were Popsmash and his faithful hound
hurrying to home and hot water.

A Chip of the Old Block. Ease and Disease.
WE know a beautiful Benedick whose wife has presented him with OUR cheery bagman tells us that phthisis is catching, for he always
such a "chopping boy; that one's really bound to axe after him. finds the decline of day brings on a consumption of spirits at night.;

Proverbial Phoolosophy. TuRREY iT called the sick man ; but Egypt should be called the old
TT's all very well to advise people to "strike the iron when it's hot," woman. VWhy Because it's a-Nile.
but they had better hold 'their hands off if they don't want them WHY do monkeys in small menagerie cages die so soon ? Because
burnt. they have been used to better climbs.

JANVuRY 21, 1871.1 F U N .2

DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 202. .. '-- --
THE wind to warmer quarter veers;
The ice breaks up and disappears;.
The shroud, that lately wrapt the scene,
Is gone: again the fields are green;
The skater heaves a long-drawn sigh-"
And sadly lays his irons by. ;
1. Full in his face the rain and sleet
In never-ending torrent beat;
Still on he rode, nor turned aside
But swam the swollen river's tide.
And when he reached his home, I wis,
By early morning, he was this.
Spurred into a canter
The gray mare be bestraddled,
The witches flew out '
With a gruesome shout
And after bold TAmnito skedaddled.
When Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Begin to talk in terms of art, 4
It's probable they'll mention me. d.ment, or -
4. The fussy tug, with snort and scream,. o i n -
It's course did onward bear;
And behind it, floated on the stream
The grand old Timiraire.
No more to brave
The stormy wave '
The grand old Tesniraire.
SOLUTION or ACOSTIc No. 200.-Snow, Cold: Sara-
cenic, Nardoo, Ordeal, Wold. All___
D.E. H.; Con; Ruby's Ghost; Paddy; Gray'b-Inn; Biddy and
Potter. _-___" ._ _

Wanted a Turnover. .-
THE gentleman who has arrived at "the sere and
yellow leaf" would like to turn over a new one, and
begin his little book again. NOTES IN NATURAL HISTORY.

A NLvEa-fMng remedy for Cold within :-" Cold No. 6.-" The remarkable silence of the cat tribe in their step is one of their most -
without." leading eharacteristics."-BuFFON.

TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. IT is cracked through and through or is broken,
Snt,- Literature is my profession, for years I have lived by it, and This heart that still tenants my breast;
as all literary men are brothers, I dare say you will be proud to make Since the words that may ne'er be unspoken
my acquaintance when I inform you that to me the world is indebted Were breathed by my brightest and best.
for that soul-stirring and famous music.hall dittywhich runs thus:- The most wretched of men you behold me,
'Twas on a beauteous summer morning, With Hope newly torn from his clutch;
Several hours before the day had begun dawning, For the lips of my Lucy have told me
That a young man gave his landlady warning, She loves me "a little- not much."
For the very simple fact that she his togs had been pawning, It was cruelly kind to present me
And he was a jolly, dog. This ringlet, her ea, te, and a glove:
The landlady was all in a flutter, It was not in such gifts to content me-
And she fell down a flight of stairs with the bread and butter. The gift that I sought was her love.
At the poor servant girl she was heard for to mutter, But I fear that my Lucy possesses
Who couldn't reply because of her stutter, A heart that no- passion can touch,
[NoTE.-This last word can be altered to "impediment," or tongue When she frankly and fairly confesses
tyymg," or stammer,' and will be sure to cause great laughter.] She loves me "a little-not much.
t Though she was a jolly dog Shall I brood on my grief like a RoussEau,
I also wrote the famous tiger comic ballad which had such a run. Or find a new partner for life ?
It goes- Shall I imitate ROINnsON CausoB
Come all you folks that loves a lark, Or C(ELEBS in Search of a Wife?
I'll tell you of a spree, What an end for the hopes that supported
I was going out t'other night with my pals after dark My steps through the world like a crutch,
And they was a-going with me. To be told by the dear one I courted
You will, of course,'see by the foregoing lines that I am the literary She loves me "a little-not much! "
man you want- your verses are so dry, while mine are really comic,
and with the assistance of a broad brimified hat and cutaway coat A Good Reason.
always make a sensation. Now, I'll give you a-good offer, I'll do AN American paper alleges that Louisville, Oregon, is the quietest
the poetry in Fu for half as' much again as you pay now, on condi- town in the United States. It adds "there are but three women in
tion that you put my name to it. Answer yes or no at once and it." Enraged at this insulting libel on the fair sex, we at once
oblige SPARKLINx G POhTWINE RARRY. telegraphed to Louisville, regardless of expense, to enquire if the three
[N.--] ladies would sit down quietly under such an accusation. The answer
we have received is that the three ladies live several miles apart;
A Pr-EoNAsm in Theatrical Nomenclature: The Veau do Veal. that one of them is deaf, another is dumb, and the third is bedridden.





FUK OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan, 18th, 1871.
SGRzAT King Cold
Is a warrior old:
He rules o'er the realms of snow.
Heis marching forth
From his lair in-the north,-
You can hear his.clarion blow,
Where the keen wind pipes o'er the frozen seas
And the dead and shrouded wold.
And the banner he flings to the icy breeze
Is the yellow fog-wreath's fold.
He is coming great King Cold!,
He has come where the foes are met,
Before the starved and leaguered town.
His flag in the frosty ground is set,
And. he flings'his ringing gauntlet down.
And he laughs, the great King Cold,
At the French and German nations;
As he cries "Your fathers in days of old
Lacked much of your civilisations.
For when my trumpet blew,
And when my banner flew,
From camp and leaguer, watch and fray,
For winter they withdrew.
They would not stay
For me to slay
As I now am slaying you! "
And so in the hours.of frost and dark,
He deals his bitter blows,
And side by side, so stiff and stark,
Sink down both friends-and foes-
The coward and the bold!
'Tis hisjoy:to strike
At allalike
That grim old chief-King Cold.

WE have to regret-but when we say "we," we mean our readers
rather than ourselves-the sudden and even unexpected demise of
BILLY TOMPKINS (whose name as connected with the opening, and
arrangement of our letters has been mentioned in our "Answers', to
Correspondents ").* lie had long been in a bad way, consequent
upon frequent attacks of "Head-scenter" of an aggravated kind, but
we hoped to drag him through-by his hair, if not otherwise-when
we were informed of the approaching marriage of the PaniNess Louise
to the heir of the DUKE OF ARGYLL. When that fact became public,
JIM (see above for correct name) was attacked by it, in a confluent
form. About Christmas he began to refuse aliment in any other shape
than that of roast beef and plum pudding; and we regret to add was
found under our table last week, grasping in one hand a morsel of
mincepie and in the other a fragment of a joke, bearing the words
all for-Lome." The latter fraction has 'been placed in the hands of
the police, who are confident they are on the track of the guilty
person," so that he is pretty safe to get .off. We hope that those who
sympathise with us .in our loss of this promising child will call. .We
were often tempted to murder him, and we'll try to make them do.

Like Winking.
THE following seems to throw some light on the obscure statement.
that "a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse." We confess
however we don't see what light, ourselves:-
Here is the way to tell a horse's age: After the horse is nine years old, a wrinkle.
comes on the el elid at the urper corner of the lower lid; and every year thereafter
he has one well defined wrinkle for each year of his age over nine. If, for instance, a
horse has three wrinkles, he is twelve. Add the number of wrinkles to nine, you
will always get his age.
This is a wrinkle indeed, and will enable one to estimate the years of
a' gift horse without looking in his mouth, which is not polite, and
what's more not always safe with a strange animal. At the same time
we may as well add that we believe the writer of the above paragraph,
while penning it, wrinkled his eyelid pretty considerable. In fact he
wunk with his left eye solemnly. How is that for heye ?" as the
IAmericans say.
THE best day to go shopping: Choose day.
We are not quite surewhether the name is "Billy Tompkins"--butour readers,
t by a reference to a number some six weeks back (to be_ had on application with
i stamps, at this office), will be able to learn the right name/and regret accordingly.

[JANuARY 21, 1871.

[.A humble attempt to naturalise on f oeur numerous French refugees- Le
Boi d'Yvetot.]
GaEAT Brentford once a king possessed
(He's not in History written),
He got up late, went soon to rest,
And slept, by fame unbitten.
His brows no golden circlet bore,
A cotton nightcap nothing more-
He wore!
Oh, ho, ho, ho Ah, how absurd!
A pretty monarch on" my word-
My word!
He, in this palace, built of mud,
Through four meals daily scrambled.
Upon an ass of no rare blood
His kingdom through he ambled.
His faith was cheerful, simple, sound-
His trustiest body-guard he found
A hound.
Oh, ho, ho, ho! Ah, how absurd!
A pretty monarch on my word-
My word!
Extravagance was not his bent,
Though he'd a chronic dryness.
Yet since he gave them all content,
None grudged drink to His Highness.
He no exciseman kept, I wot,
But levied on each cask-and got-
A pot.
Oh, ho, ho, ho! Ah, how absurd!
A pretty monarch on my word-
My word!"
STo Beauty he was never blind,
Although no more a laddie.
He was so fatherly and kind
His subjects called him Daddy."
His troops, ne'er sent to warfare stark,
Had oft in shooting at a mark
A lark!
Oh, ho, ho, ho! Ah, how absurd!
A pretty monarch on my word-
My word!
This good man ne'er from neighbour-state
Annexed a contribution,
A model he to rulers great,
Made mirth his Constitution. -
His subjects' eyes-unused to swim
With tears-first, when they buried him,
Glew dim!
Oh, ho, ho, ho! Ah, how absurd!
A pretty monarch on my word-
My word!
Of this old king of pure renown
The portrait is preserved now.
As tavern-sign in Brentford town
For ages it has served now.
On holidays from far and near
The folks come there and swig their beer,
And cheer!
Oh, ho, ho,-ho! Ah, how absurd!
A pretty monarch on my word-
My word!

Flare up and Drat The Union."
We are not surprised to hear that banking-clerks, when they dis-
cuss the 'notorious ukase on the great Marriage question, agree to
dispense with the monosyllable to which they are so well accustomed
-" dis."
Off the Rail.
IT is altogether an error to suppose that the Commissioners appointed
to enquire into the truck system are competent to pronounce upon the
tramroad question. _
Defeat'of General Chanzy.
The efforts of GENERAL CHANZY, like the efforts of all the generals of
France since the war began, have resulted in General Mischanc(z)y.

J 21, 1871. F U N 27

[THE success of ME. HaIN FRISWELL's recently published work
emboldens the present author to give a few of his literary remini-
'scences to the reading world. If not quite so interesting as a novel
in penny numbers they ate at all events as true as Truth itself,)
TEs-eoN ianot at all the man that his works would lead you to
expect. He loves.beer, and smokes like the funnel of a Citizen steam-
boat. You.-should see his coat'when he goes out for a long walk in
the country. Such a coat! and yet I've told him a dozen times if I've
told himonce to send itosomewhere and get fresh braid and buttons.,
He tall:abouthis genins,4eo ; but, says I, give me braid and buttons.
The.ontly.thing Idenit like-about Ala T. CAaLYLE is that he talks
too nmulhi Just'- setihiimon -anything you like-and I can't get a
word inuedgewaya. Fbr tlegiffrof the gabl k Ihould back Tom against
BLLLT GLADSTONE or ikjK BIs%&GK, each of which.eminent speakers I
have -heard at our club and appreciated. OARLYLE is all for Germany
-just now, and,thats why we, ain't such bosom,friends as we were
I know SWNBURNE. It was a great loss to society when young
ALGERNON, got married and- became a sedate- family man. I like
respectability very well in its way, but a two or a three of warm gin
with animated and intellectual conversation is anything but bad.
"ALGY," said I, on meeting this distinguished poet in Bond-street the
other day, that waistcoat is rather too large for you." I expected
one of his bitterly cynical repartees in reply to my deserved -sarcasm,
but he merely smiled and passed on.
'STUAur ..',LL is an old and valued friend of mine. I once- asked
him -whether he was a close- relation to any of the STUARTS who
reignedbver-England sometime ago. He gave me no verbal answer,
Sbut yousehould/have seen his look; it was-worth a photograph to say
the-very-least of it. I always like to tackle. MILL about his political
'economy ; he writes verywell about it, but in friendly conversation
he is-no match for the nimble individualwho nowaddresses yen.
Another man that Tilmowand esteem is R BOBERT BROWTING.; Simple
as a boy, just like 'his -poems. No humbaugEabout Bon. We talk
about the'weather, BbmandI -'do, He:is atmaster of this absorbing
,subject. ailh of eDjgginmRialBn,. aend I aa1wyi.gifve him as gpod as he
I knowTBraEBBandalit of other clever.people. Some day I shall
tell you all' kboulithera Live in hopes, please.

A Nursery Note. TH
WuEN.people see a child
bandy-legged they are -ap
to .attribute the defect i to its
being "put to its feet" too '_
soon. They forget that the :' i
habit may have been ac- ,
quired even earlier. A baby
sometimes gets its (s)waddle-
in' clothes, we believe. .

A Pattern. -.
FANCV -woRK too often
leads to a neglect of real
work. How often do chil-
dren go in rags, because
their mothers are tatters!

Wa knowapainter so de-
voteditot ariA;that he spends -l
all the,4yminhis' study, and .,
retires every night. to, his

Way- can;.yowubraeketa-a, i
tooth-ache- andite.,reapedyt
Because one's a, rack:d,.i -
the other a console.
IT is a curious fact that
not one of the beds in John
o'Groat's house can boast a

WHEN is. a chicken like- "
credit P-When it's trussed.- .

AANTEUFFEL gives Faidherbe the lie. Faidherbe does ditto to Man-
teuffel. The truth probably lies between the two. = Inundation at
Rome;, rather too impartial to .be taken by either side as a special
judgment. But it will be-bycboth -== Lord Derby talked sense
about Our Defences. But then hoawas not talking to the House of
Peers. = French lady says in Daily yews that English ladies don't
know how to cook. English ladies show their powers of quizzin'.
Clearly, British.female is not meant to be, roasted. Cannibals, please
note. = General Troohn proclamates' Pity, he stops at that!
Generals might fight sometimes., = Greenwich washes its hands of
petition asking Gladstone to resign. So much the better for. Green-
wich! = Released Fenians depart. Bar Halpin, who refuses on "legal
grounds." Not worth a Ha'pinrny tI= Bombardment bringing Paris
to its senses. Mens sana in c ,rpore, Seine, oh! =- Frost over. Plenty
of soft water. It was so hard lately, we had to go for it with a pick-
axe. = More Cannon-street meetings. The great guns are loud.
Blank cartridge! = Chinese atrooitiesat Huwnau. Who knows where
it is ? = Army of the Loire boasts it -has still some Ohanzys left.

From Paris, Direct.
Oua special correspondent in Paris tells us'a good story. He says
that he went to dine at a restaurant the other day. He had a frugal
repast, but when it came to paying he found its price most exorbitant,
By a prompt measure he compelled the proprietor to reduce the sum
by one half. He told him, in fact, if he did not, he would go to
GENERAL TRoc U and have him requisitioned as a war horse for
the heavy cavalry. You don't see it P Why he was such a high-
Making their Deboos.
Tax three elephants at the Jardin des Plantes have been sold to M.
DEBoos, butcher, of the Boulevard Haussmanan. Provisions would seem
from this fact to be nearly at an end in Paris-at any rate food is
truncated, it has run so short.

WHEN does, a pass deserve to besetyled a gorgo?-When it's of a
ravine-oRs nature.

UCH has been said in days of yore
About the pride which Spaniards claim.
The days of Spanish pride are o'er
The land has nothing now but. shame
Her flag is stained- her scutohaoendim,
And blotted with the blood of Puau '
He fredd her from a rule of wroAng
In battle brave, in council great,
With courage high- and purposestusg.
He steered the storm-tost ship ot.ft4te;
That ship had ne'er contrived to swim
Save for its skilful pilot, Pai.
Through troublouns times he lediherway,
And held a guiding torah, on high,;
He might have ruled with royal.sway.
But put the crown serenely by;
No thoughts ambitious dwelt:with him,
The purely patriotic PnAm.
But patiently he ever sought
I i ,A ruler for his native laud;
1 For that he pondered and he.thought,
For that he laboured and he Iap ned.
T/ hough storms might threaten-m-kiesook dim,
Undaunted still was gallant PtM.
At length his toil had its reward;
At length a king is found for Spain:
But freedom won, and peace restored,
The martyred statesman blood must stain !
The cup of guilt o'erflows its brim
When grateful Spain has murdered PalM.
Young monarch, on your new-found throne,
By heart thabitter-lesson learn
Which by the patriot's death is shown I
S- To shame the pride of Spain must turn,
For, hark! through loud triumphal hymn
There swells the requiem of Pain.


[JANtARY 21, 1871.

1. The pious William-why don't they canonize him T 2. "Ego et rex meus." 6. The wonders of the air.
3. Hans Schmidt-warrior and cheesemonger of the Vaterland. Ah, how goes 7. The Herzog von Boschenschlossenstein and his hereditary grand cousins at
the cheesemongery now Versailles. They don't seem to care for fighting, but they are very good at
4. German strategy-in ambush. looking on.
5. A notion for Moltke-the German band-if the Parisians can stand that they can 8. This is the dinner the Prussians promised themselves for Christmas day. Did
stand anything, they mean Christmas day 1871





]F UT N --TA-NuAmY 21, 1871.

*, J

A, L



0,OITW-\r '% gX

JANUARY 21, 1871.]


IT somehow always seems my fate
To fail in all I wish to do.
So when I said I'd learn to skate
Of course I felt I should fall through."
"'Twas ever thus from childhood's hour"-
I knew my wishes would be crost;
Vain was my hope the plain to scour,
This bitter frost!
They told me that the ice would bear
A good deal more than my lightweight.
The promise of a treat seemed fair,
My breast with hope became elate.
"My obstinate and adverse luck
My perseverance may exhaust!
Come- come, old boy, and show your pluck
This bitter frost !,"
In terms like these I strove to cheer
My bosom till the happy day,
When "early closing left me clear
To seek the park and glide away.
Of skates I chose a splendid pair-
And down with pride the price I tost.
"Away," I cried, "life's sports to share
This bitter frost! "
I early sought my couch that night
Prepared at break of dawn to start.
,As soon as ever it was light
I rose and drest with beating heart.
Then peeping past the blind I saw
A sight that proved my bliss was lost-
Alas," I cried, why here's a thaw!
Ain't that a frost?"
So here I am, unlucky wretch,
Encumbered with these useless skates
I'd gladly sell for what they'd fetch-
'Tis -vain to struggle with the fates!
My hopes are foiled! Who'll buy? Behold
New skates- for half the coin they cost.
[Of course as soon as they are sold
Will come a frost!]

WHY, is sham-piety always badly constructed -Be.
cause of its (s)cant foundation.

DON'T think, gentle reader, that I am a teetotaller. I scorn the
word, and am a moderate all round imbiber, my special favourite, if I
have a favourite, being at the present time threeorum hot with sugar
and lemon. What I mean when I call myself a total abstainer is that
-I do abstain from and abhor fun of any kind. I always was of a
serious turn, and at an early age took an interest in the police columns
of the newspapers.
It has been remarked of me that, by a combination of happy cir-
cumstances, I am always on the spot when anything particularly
Harrowing takes place, and thus I have seen more brutal murders,
shocking accidents, fatal fires, and have a more extensive knowledge
of police blunders than the oldest inhabitant. Many a time and oft
. has the briny welled from these eyes as I have listened to the cadgers'
stories. Sympathy is cheap, and they are always welcome to it-at all
events they don't get anything else.
But by far the most sorrowful thing that has met my gaze for many
years occurred the other day. I was passing down a splendid terrace
near the New Cut, when an old gentleman suddenly appeared at his
street door, and looked sadly down the steps. Seeing no one about, he
drew from the tail pocket of his elegant coat a blooktin teapot, evi-
dently of great age, and proceeded as though to throw it in the road.
Just, however, as he was about to cast it forth, a better thought seemed
to strike him, and bursting into a flood of tears, the old gentleman
clasped the bruised pot in his arms and retired within doors. I was
deeply affected by the scene, and wept a few, but wiped them soon,
and proceeded to the Surrey Arms, where I raised my spirits and com-
posed the following beautiful lines:-
My old teapot, how many times
I've drunk your blessed brew;
How oft I've thought of horrid crimes
When stirred t6 madness by bad times
And been subdued by you.

(De Spoons feels sure he, has found the residence of the lovely girl he met at the
Smith's party.)

My old teapot, thou held'st a quart
When first I purchased thee;
But now thy measure's getting short,
Thy sides are bashed, thy nose the sort
That cannot straightened be.
My old teapot, now I am rich
And join the giddy throng,
I can't you in the dusthole pitch
Without a nervous conscience-twitch,
And thought that I've done wrong,
My old teapot, you are the last
Of all my varied set,
By ones and twos the rest have past
Into the cart, which is the last
Sad scene they all have met.
S My old teapot: and shalt thou go
Into the dustbin too P
My answer must, I think, be No,
I'll have thee mended in Soho,
And made to look like new.

Happy-happy Pair !
AT the risk of having our heads shaved-and really an audience of
lunatics would have just finished off the scene-we would most of us
have gone to Bath the other day to witness a wedding which took
place there. It was a double wedding, the two brides and the two
bridegrooms being deaf and dumb; and when the ceremony was over
a lad from the Blind School played the Wedding March and "other
appropriate music" we are told. What music is most appropriate to
deafness we wonder! Did MENDELSSOHN write "Airs without Notes
as well as "Songs without Words?" At any rate the wedded couples
are likely to be happy, for they can scarcely have words with one



3U2 IFUN. [JANUARY 21 1871.

1. The authorities civil and military thought it would be a good idea to have a gun 4. The piece was levelled at a mark, in the presence of the committee. But unfo'-
to be mounted on a camePs back. tunately the obstinate creature had its own ideas as to the position it
2. The notion was accordingly carried out. should take up during the firing.
3. There being no camels and no mules "in store," a humble substitute was 5. The result was that the committee did not see the experiment carried out as they
secured. would have wished.

Napoleon Fallen (STRAHAN, Ludgate Hill) is a clever and novel
example of lyrical drama, but we confess to a desire to sde its author,
AMR. BUCHANAN, revert to the homely pathos of the London Poemns,
which still remain as his best work. At the close of the preface he
says I have nowhere in these pages expressed my own political
opinions," which is puzzling; for one can scarcely see how he could
avoid, in treating such a theme, the introduction of some tinge of his
own political creed.
Every Boy's Book (ROUTLEDGE, Broadway) has deservedly reached
another edition, "with alterations and additions." With a view to
collating the two editions, we asked for a sight of the copy we gave
to an ingenious youth a year or so since, and were informed that
repeated study and frequent application to it had worn it away to a
stump. A fact like that says far more for the value of the work than
the most elaborate critique.
In Muriel and Other Poems (SHRIMPTOr Oxford) MR. WEATHERLY
proves that a man who wins the Newdegate needs not necessarily to be
destitute of all poetical talent. .We prefer the "other poems" to
Muriel, and see in them much promise.
WE regret that in our issue of the 24th ult. we should have
published remarks upon MR. HOTTEN'S -Piccadilly Annual of a very
damaging character. The statement that the annual in question
was entirely composed of piracies and reprints is not true, anid we are
very sorry that it should have been made.

Too Much of a Good Thing.
ATHLETIC sports are highly to be commended so long as they are
kept within reasonable bounds; but, unfortunately, there are those
who cannot even write a letter without jumping from the first person
to the third.

How Dust They !
HERE's the latest news of the counter-feit sovereigns-so called
because they were only fit to nail to a counter:-
Several members of the New York firm" which recently issued circulars offer-
ing to supply counterfeit sovereigns to tradesmen in England have been appre-
hended. It appears that they have not limited their operations to European cities,
as it is stated that they have pretended to sell counterfeit bank notes in America,
and, on receiving the money, have forwarded neat little boxes containing only
sawdust and shavings. Merchants, farmers, and people of all classes are thus
said to have been swindled.
" Swindled is a harsh term to apply to a process common enough in
the lapidary's trade-the cutting of diamonds with the assistance of
diamond dust. If the New York firm "swindled" those who applied
to it for sham sovereigns, may we ask if the applicants meant to swindle
any one else! It seems almost a pity by thus apprehending, or
misapprehending, the ingenious firm to discourage this new branch of
industry-we mean sawdustry. At least we are not quite sure what
we mean.*
Let us hope-with Substantial Benefit.
PHOTOGRAPHERS, on the occasion of the Eclipse, appeared oblivious
of one of the first lessons of childhood-in the eagerness they mani-
fested to grasp at the shadow."

To Raw Recruits.
DRILL may well seem tedious and interminable-of course, there can
be no end to ever-lutions.
A not uncommon occurrence with scribes. The disease is so prevalent among
authors, journalists, and feminine correspondents, that it is known to the faculty,
we believe, by the name of writer's cramp." Which accounts not only for the
lacteal secretions of the nuciform fruitage of the palma edulis, but also for the
cramped English so often met with in the course of our reading. [This note, of
which I am rather proud, has been added in the unavoidable absence of the editor
-consequent on his being somewhere else at the time-by a gentleman on the staff
of a scientific paper.-MASTEa PRINTER.]


ACT I.-SCENE 1. A Village Gremn. F allyaers dancing. As' soon as
the audience get tired of it and express their disapprobation, the villagers
cone forward and sing.
The Men.-Hopping, skipping
To and fro
The Women.-Lightly tripping
Weawill so-
Both.-Catch the :flee-
Catch, the flee-
I Catch the fleeting bliss below.
The Men.-Gaily.dancing
Here-we go,
ThelVWomen.-And, inx prancing,
We've, you know-
Both.-Caught the flee-
Caught the flee-
Caught the fleeting bliss below.
Enter Toinkino. He expresses :y various actions his love for somebody.
The villagers sympathise with him in dumb show.
Song, Tomkino.
Of all the maids so nicely dressed
There's none like Sariasalli.
She is the ,darling of this breast,
And resides in our valley.
The audience think they have heard something like this before, and
Shiss loudly. Encore Tomkino.
A hunter bold am.I,
I climb the lofty Alps,
And I jodel up on high
Like other mounting (with.desperation) chalps!
Despising wind and weather
And frost and snow together,
Seeking for chain-
Seeking for cham-
Seeking for chamois leather.
Enter Sarasalli. Tomkino embraces her.
Sara.-My love !
Tomk.-My life'!
Sara (recitativo).-Your loving transports cease. Protect me! save
me! Here is the police!
All.-Sarasalli, say-oh, say!
Why from him you run away!
-Why's your heart so.quick and throbby,.
Did you Rob -
Did you Rob-
Did you Robert nickname Bobby.
Sara.-Ah, no! far worse, far greater is the sin for which he
threatens he will run me in! Oh, stars eclipses, comets, planets,
moons. My missus says I've stole the silver spoons.
They all draw back in horror. Enter, the Rural Constable.
Aria, Policeman.
From information I've received
From one who is to be believed
You stole the spoons-you stole the spoons!
LHe pauses for want of a rhyme.
Villagers comingg gallantly to the rescue).-
So let us dance our rigadoons.
Policeman {suggestively).-
And I will strike my gay bassoons. [ Which they do.
Solo, Tomkino.
Now things have reached a pretty pass,
Oh, cruel, cruel, fate!
How. can I wed, alas,
A lass
Who steals her missus's plate.
(As he:is singing, a tame jackdaw walks in with a salt spoon in its claw.)
A felonious daw,
Look at the spoon it has got in its claw.
Tomkino.-You'll find all the rest
In its nest
In the straw.
He approaches the bird, takes salt from the spoon puts it on the bird's tail.


The Villagers.-We caught the thie-
Caught the thie-
The leader of the orchestra shakes his hiad wildly. Villagers look ashamed
of themselves.
Tomkino (showing spoon to constable).-You see Sarasalli could "not
have stolen the silver spoons!
Policeman.-Why P
Tonk.-Because they are. Britannia metal. See the mark!
Policeman.-Enough! Lam convinced.
Sarasalli.-I have proved&ny innocence !
.Policeman.-In no sense!
All.-Sarasalli and Tomkino
Now shall have a gay wedino!
-Tomk.-Thank you, friends, for words like this.
What an assur-
What an assur-
What an assurance of bliss !
All.-Let the wedding now begin-
We're all assis -
We're all assis-
We're all assistants therein.

Milk Below !
IN Bermondsey, says the Sou'h London Press, recently the supply
of water was so scanty, that it was purchased at three halfpence for
four gallons. "Strange to relate," adds the S. L. P., "it was supplied
by themilkmen." We see nothing strange in the fact, for of course
an. unfailing supply of water is one of the first necessities in every
diary. Aided by the white cliffs of his native Albion, a dairyman can
.dispense-with cows, but he can't do without water. We should feel
obliged if our contemporary would state whether, under the ciroum-
stances it relates, there was any falling off in the supply of milk in the
district; and if there was any rise in the price of milk.

Eaton Square.
PROrESSOR EATON states that he has discovered that this globe will
only support life for another twenty six millions of years. Well, it
will last our time, if it contrives to hold out for about half that period.
Floreat Etona, as we used to say at school. May the professor live to
see his calculations proved or disproved.

[ We cannot return unaccepted M88. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
H. T. R.-Your MS. is foo long.
R. A. B.-Very many thanks; but we fear the public generally does
not care much about the gibbeting of carrion. Nevertheless we do keep a
BONES.-" De bonis nil nisi mortuum."
CRoPPrER.-Cropper, Cropper, it's scarcely proper!
BoREAs.-A bore, as we don't require the article, and have said so a
hundred times.
UNHAPPrY PUNSTR.-Well, it is not felicitous to make a pun so obvious
that it must have been made twenty times before.
L. H. (Liverpool).-Necessity knows no law-and must therefore be
guided by the opinion of its solicitor.
E. L. (MIaidstone).-That will do. Thanks.
E (Olympic).-The same thing, in other words, has been done.
C. Ji. .-Thanks.
W. J. J. (Brentwood).--Wo cannot enter into the matter.
W. V. (Kennington-park).-As you write from the office of a periodical
(to judge from the envelope) you ought to know that to expect an answer
in two days is absurd. We originated the idea of the Roman Fall, but
there has since-been such a rush for it that we have let the fall drop.
P. P.-All back-numbera may be had on application at the Office-or
through your newsagent.
A. (Kensington).-Much obliged for the suggestions.
McDurr -We have not room enough for "all your little chickens."
And they're-weak.
Declined with thanks:-A Clerk; J. 8., Old Kent-road; A., Hatfield-
asreet; R. F., Southwark; S. T. P.; Bones; C. A. L. B., Woodbridge;
R. C., Bayswater; G. B. S.; J. W., Limerick: Prig, Deptford; W. C.;
G. B. G., Sduthend; J.J. A., Clapham-road: 0., Arundel-street; G. F.,
Paddington; Noodle; N. D. H., Alfrel Place; G. D. S., Battersea;
Medicus; Awful Cuss; J. C. C., Islington; Linden, Woodbridge; D.,
Ballymena;,T. L. C ; Nelusko; D., Liverpool PF. L.; Amicus; Old
Reader; M. D., Leeds; Y. Z.; E.normous; Placid Party; T. F. D,

J: AvAar 21, 1871.]

;,34 F U N [JAUARY 21, 1871.

I J.t

The Sunday Magazine opens. the year with a strong number. The
S".City Man breaks new ground, and the artists are in force.
Good iWords contains a paper of HAWTHORNB'S worth'studying, in
addition to other readable articles, including a very interesting essay
on HUOH MLLBR with a capital portrait. It is one of the best
numbers we remember. We fear, judging from the sample in this
number, that the Poet Laureate's "window." is scarcely worthy of the
panes he has bestowed on it.
Good Words for the Young is full of enjoyment for the little folks,
both in pictures and letterpress. "The Princess and the Goblin" is
simply glorious fairy-work.
The Atlantic Monthly begins its twenty seventh volume with spirit,
with HOLMES and LONGFELLOW to the fore-and no MRS. BEECHER
STOWE.' We specially commend Our Whispering Gallery" as
charming talk about writers-without small scandal. Those who love
THAc EBRAy-and who does not?- should read it; but privately, for
if they be men they will probably cry over it.
I Our Young Folks has the beginning of a capital new story, "Jack
Hazard." The other contents are quite up to the mark.
We have'also received the Young Ladies' Journal, Le Folret, No. 1 of

THBE~TAXDAnD, 7th March, 1870, in a notice of Mr. Streeter's
Catalogue, says:-"The practical information furnished is very in-
teresting, and will no doubt be appreciated by those who may read this
useful little work."
CouRT JoVTNAi, 19th March,, 1870:-'Mr. E. W. Streeter, gold-
smith and jeweller, 37; Conduit-street, has issued a handsomely-bound
catalogue of diamond ornaments and machine-made jewellery."
UNrrED SERVICB GAmETTE, 9th April, .1870 :-" Mr. Streeter, like his
great predecessor in the goldsmith's art, Benvenuto Cellini, combines
literature with handy-work, and publishes books respecting his precious
specialities, almost as handsome as the articles of which they treat."

the Popular Edition of the Waverley Novels, Wisden's, Cricketers'
Almanac, and the Westminster Papers.

A Mechanical Ri4dle.
SEva AL individuals have been placed in the strong room at Earls-
wood for attempting too rashly during .the frost to ,understand the
A LITERARY MACHINE.-A remarkable invention has been patented, which
will enable a person to read and write when reclining back in an easy cha:r
before the fire, and. while lying in bed or on the sofa, obviating the fatigue of
holding a heavy book, and the inconvenience of incessantly stooping over a table.
At last then .Sia B,OYLE Roc0H is outdone, for BBowT says the
machine will enable you to be in two places at once. JoNES however,
insists that it is no good in the summer when fires are not used; and
ROBINSON has crippled himself for life in attempting to understand
how to recline back in an easy chair. We have of course unriddled
the problem,-which is simply that when the literary machine was
patented the schoolmaster had. returned from abroad, and was "lying
on the sofa obviating the fatigue of" doing his regular work and the
inconvenience of attending to his ordinary duties.

APHonisM for Extortionate Cabbies: Love me, love my "Mogg."

MoRNING ADVERTISER, 12tli March, 1870 :-"It has claims on all
persons of taste, for its really beautiful designs and effective represen-
tations of the choicest patterns of the art of the goldsmith, with the
additional advantage that they are all produced at the smallest price
beyond intrinsic value, that such elegant and rich specimens of orna-
ment can be executed. The book is in itself handsome ani attractive "
PUBLIC OPINION, 16th April, 1870:-" The beautiful designs of the
various articles are engraved in the best style, and apart from the
information the volume contains, these designs,-together with the ex-
cellence of the printing, paper, and .binding, give the work anintrinsio
value, to which the idea of a trade circular is altogether foreign."

Printed by JUDD & Co., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprletory, at 80, leet-Street, E,C.-London: Jan. 21, 1870.

JANUARY 28, 1871.J




i HEN rival adorers come courting a maid,
V There's something or other may often be said
y Why he should be pitched upon rather than him,
This wasn't the case with OLD PAUL and OLD TIM.
No soul could discover a reason at all
For marrying TIMOTHY rather than PAUL;
Though all could have offered good reasons, on oath,
Against marrying either-or marrying both.
They were equally wealthy and equally old,
They were equally timid and equally bold.
They were equally tall as they stood in their shoes-
Between them, in fact, there was nothing to choose.
Had I been young EMILY, I should have said, /
You're both of you old for a pretty young maid,
Three score at the least you are verging upon "-
But I wasn't young EMILY-let us get on.
No coward's blood ran in young EMILY'S veins,
Her martial old father loved bloody campaigns;
At the rumours of battles all over the globe
He pricked up his ears like the war horse in Job.
He chuckled to hear of a sudden surprise
Of soldiers compelled, through an enemies' spies,
Without any knapsacks or shakes to flee-
For an eminent army-contractor was he.
So when her two lovers, whose patience was tried,
Implored her between them at once to decide,
She told them she'd marry whichever might bring
GoAd proof of his doing the pluckiest thing.
They both went away with a qualified joy;
That coward, OLD PAUL, chose a very.small boy:
And when no one was looking, in spite of his fears,
He set to work boxing that little boy's ears.

The little boy struggled and tagged at his hair, '
But the lion was roused, and OLD PAUL didn't care-
He smacked him and whacked nim, and boxed him and kicked,
Till the poor little beggar was royally licked.
OLD TIM knew a trick worth a dozen of that,
So he called for his stick and he called for his hat.

"I'll cover myself with cheap glory-I'll go
And wallop the Frenchmen who live in Soho!
" The German invader is ravaging France"
With infantry rifle, and cavalry lance;
And beautiful Paris is fighting her best
To shake herself free from her terrible gues'.
" The Frenchmen in London, in craven alarms,
Have all run away from the summons to arms;
They haven't the pluck of a pigeon-I'll go
And wallop the Frenchmen who skulk in Soho! "
OLD TIMOTHY tried it and found it succeed,
That day he caused many French noses to bleed,
Through foggy Soho he spread fear and dismay, J
And Frenchmen all round him in agony lay.

He took care to abstain from employing his fist,
On the old and the crippled-for they might resist-
An elderly one may have pluck in his breast,
But the young and the strong ones are cowards contest.
OLD TIM and OLD PAUL, with the list of their foes,
Prostrated themselves at their EMILY'S toes:
" Oh, which of us two is the pluckier blade ? "
And EMILY answered and EMILY said:
" OLD Tim has thrashed runaway Frenchmen in scores,
Who ought to be guarding their cities and shores;
OLD PAUL has made little chaps' noses to bleed-
OLD PAUL has accomplished the pluckier deed I "

Positively Comparatively Superlative.
THe South London Press is answerable for this assertio;:-*
It is said that the sanitary condition of Camberwell is better than that of any
other parish in the metropolis.
That is to say that Camberwell is not only Camber-better than- other
parishes, but is actually Camber-best of all. The South London
districts will be both Surrey and glad to hear this pleasing intelligence.
Of course rents will rise, as people will flock to this, most sanitary
locality in the hope of living to a Camberwell Green old age.

Natural Selection.
HERE'S an interesting bit for Du DAWINs:-
An American paper states that in Detroit, Michigan, fashionable young men have
taklien to wearing earrings 1 -
And why' not? We have no doubt these young persons felt that
nature had not endowed them with such an extent of ear to no pur-

V,.'L. XTIi. Di

35 I


t FUVN OFFICN, Wedaesday, Jan. 25th, 1871.
HE attention of the country has been directed of late to the
4; state of our defences, and the result of the scrutiny has been so
a unsatisfactory that the subject is likely to occupy a prominent
place in the chief debates of the coming session. A number of
energetic M.P.'s have 'followed the lead of MR. TaREvELYA, and the
administration of the War Department is likely to be thoroughly
criticised. If rumour is to be trusted-and it comes from quarters that
are well posted up-a few questions as to the state of things in Pall
Mall will reveal eccentricities which it will be hard to defend or to
explain away.
But before all these minor details of bureaucracy come the two
great questions-how much money do we spend on our national
defences ? and do we get the value for that money ? There is little
need to pause for a reply. The sum is a vast one. The result is
microscopic. In the present aspect of things on the Continent,
England must be prepared for the worst, and MR. CARDWELL will
have to show that he is capable of so preparing the nation, or he must
resign the task to abler hands.

You tell me you love me! It's all very well;
You are truthful and tender, I know;
But then all the force, 'tis not easy to tell,
Of a love that has nothing to show. '
If this hand bore a ring (say a diamond for choice)
Twould recall the last grasp of my dear;
And earrings (of pearl) my beloved one's voice
Would whisper for aye in mine ear!
Your letters, of course, in your absence, my own,
My bosom encourage and warm;
But the depth of your love would more clearly be shown,
If expressed in some solider form.
Oh, do not for coldness your darling upbraid,
From accusatives pass to the datives;
Your sentiments might be so nicely conveyed
In a barrel of Whitstable natives.
Oh, return to me soon, and the day shall be named,
That for ever shall make us, love, ne6!
Yet let not my prudence be hastily blamed
If I'd first see the settlements done.
I know, love, you've lands and great riches in store-
You don't prize them o'er much, I can see :
But yet, dear, of course you would value me more
If you settled the whole upon me.

W. learn from the Builder that the New York Post Office has come
to a new arrangement with regard to pillar-boxes:-
The pillar-boxes are connected with a pnetimalic tube 'tbat runs round the city
to the general receiving-bouse. As the letters acre dropped into the box they are
blown along the tube at the rate of 65 miles an hour.
This of course is a good puff for the post-office: but will ordinary
correspondtants care to have their letters flung to the winds in'this
way ? Besides what is to prevent the litters from being blown out of
the box ? We hope before our authorities adopt the system, they
will give it a searching trial, and finally settle the question-" tubey
or not tubey! "

Duly Qualified.
An American paper informs us that:-
The Rev. Dr. Duvail, who is in the Winconsin stste prison for murdering Iis
wife, has requested that he be appointed chaplain of the institution !
Well, there is no doubt that the gentleman must feel a strong "con-
viction of his own fitness. He will probably hold the appointment
for life. imprisonment for that term bring, we understand, the punish-
ment for murder in those parts. In England such a chaplain would
be suspended before he had held the appointment, long.

Wanted a Light Porter.
WE are coming to Eomething in these ballooning times!-
OVERHEAD TRAVELLER WANTED, to carry about ten toas.-Full particu--
lars to &c., &c.
We suppose the object of the advertisers-a Birmingham firm possibly
-is to send a representative to travel in cannons for them in the
French capital. But we think they will find it difficult to- discover
anyone capable of carrying ten tons.

[JANUABY 28 1871.

ITCHLY it charms me thus
S to sit
\ And muse upon the
While smoke wreaths
from a pipe new-lit
Around my brows are
The printers copy need, I
And idle is their type.
But why should I care,
who have got
My pipe!

You rate me for my idle
And designate me
The moment, you assure
me, seems
Just ripe for noble work.
,Well! things, you know,
begin to rot,
As soon as they are
So let them do it. I have got
My pipe!
I know what mighty prospects ope
According to your view,
Before me, bright with Fame and Hope,
Great objects to pursue.
On them why should I waste my shot,
A brace of long-billed snipe -
I hate long bills, and I have got
My pipe !
It's very wrong, I know, of course,
To let such chances slip.
I feel one should exert one's force
To hold them in one's grip.
But if I like my humble lot,
Why should I strive to gripe
At Fortune. Don't you see I've got
My pipe!
And after all, what is life, pray,
Except a whiff of smoke!
And when you've puffed it all away
What's left ? A pipe that's broke-
A pinch of ashes, on some spot
Knocked-out, for Death to wipe
Away for ever. Well, I've got
I pipe!

Plate, oh, thou reasonest well!
THIs bit of news is a little foggy, as if transmitted by postal
The camp table of the King of Prussia is graced with the cuious thin, well-worn,
old historical plates which the Great Frederick took to the wars with him.
Are we to understand that these "historical plates" are engravings ?
Or are they simple crockery ? It is not impossible that the martial
monarch may have a natural admiration for engravings "in line."
At the same time, however, the pictures one would expect him to pre-
fer for the sensational scenery of the theatre of war would rather be of
A-delfy character.

What's the Hods !
Ws clip the following from an American paper:-
Some of the masonic lodges in Boston have both coloured and white members.
The masonic lodges would seem to be built of dark bricks pointed with
mortar. It would have been strange if such a benevolent order as
that of masonry had excluded poor wights who had the misfortune to
be black. But we should like to know whether when 1the masons are
"tiled" the black brothers are roofed with felted wool.

A Shaksperian Con.
WHy did FALSTAF. call BAlDOLPH a lighthouse to his face P
Because he had a blazing beakeon.

1 36

Jliruigy '28, 1871.1 F~J4 .37

As related to-and with the aid of-a Child of the Perio.
Tie other day I was at the house of a friend on a visit, and was
left by myself with one of the children for some time. He was about
nine;, and although I am constitutionally shy with youngsters I
thought I might manage to amuse him, so I proposed to tell him the
story' of Oinsrella. His acceptance of the offer alarmed me -
" Ttank you, I think I've heard the children speaking of it." How-
ever, having gone so far I could not recede.
Once.npon a time, said I-" Yes, they generally begin like that,'
observed he, critically; "I suppose it's a story for young 'uns." I
nodded and went on. Once on. a time there was a Baron, who had
been twice married. His two daughters by the first marriage were
very much older than his third daughter, whose mother died young.
" He was pretty old when he married again then. Did he marry a
young girl ? asked my juvenile friend. I nodded. He shook his
head gravely. I went on again. The two elder sisters were very
harsh and stern to the youngest and made her do all the work. "Stop
a minute," cried my juvenile friend, "did they keep a servant P I
ventured to say I thought not ; whereupon he continued, Because
then, you see, of course one of 'em must do the work, and it was her
place as the youngest. I always make the young 'uns fag for me.
The law of primogeniture-I think that's what DR. WAPSHOT calls it
-is 4 law of natural selection; don't you think so? I hurried on
with my narrative: After a time, said I, there was a grand ball at
the palace, to which, as the prince was now of a marriageable age, all
the young-ladies of the neighbourhood were anxious to go. Would
he be allowed to marry a subject ? interposed my young friend,
adding instantly, but perhaps he was only a German Prince." I did
not contradict the -theory, but continued : CINDRRELLA'S two sisters
went to the ball, gorgeously dressed, and left her behind crying by the
fire. All of a sudden her fairy godmother-"Eh! said my listener
starting, "I say! Is this a fairy tale ? Because you know, in my
Youth's Preceptor,PRorFESOR MATHER O'PHACT says that's all nonsense,
you know." I said it certainly was a fairy story, and that
OINDEaELLA'S godmother was an enchantress. "You mean'a gipsy, I
suppose, and that accountsfor the objections of the elder girls to the
Baron's second marriage, and for CINDERELLA'S low occupations." I
trembled, but proceeded. CINDERELLA's godmother asked her to get
her a pumpkin out of the garden. And then cribbed the spoons
while she was gone," suggested my tormentor. No, I said, she
merely told her to bring the mouse-trap in which there were six mice,
the rat-trap, in which there were two rats-" I say," said the boy,
" the Baron ought to have kept a terrier-or a cat. At anyrate he
might have had some vermin destroyer!"-I went on as if I did not
hear him. Then CINDERELLA was told to bring four lizards out of the
bick-kitchen. "Would you mind, just to oblige me," said my young
friend, "making them efts. You see, a back-kitchen is not the usual
habitat of the lizard." In deference to his wishes I made the lizards
efts; but when I went on to describe how the godmother changed
them into'a splendid equipage and gloriously app'treled servants, he
once more interposed: Well, but the old gipsy woman couldn't do
anything of the kind." p]ut, argued I, this is a fairy story. Oh,
well, if you say that, of course there's an end of the matter," said he
in the tone of a grown-up person giving way to the fancies of a child
-only in this ease the conditions were reversed. In nervous and
hesitating words I proceeded to describe the metamorphosis of
CINDERELLA'S rags into a splendid ball-dress. "There, now," said he,
triumphantly, "don't you see if' there were any of that fairy work
how wrong it would be from a politico economical point of view, as
discouraging our native manufactured? That old godmother ought to
have been sent to the treadmill! I affected to disregard his remarks.
CINDERELLA, said I, went to the ball-" What! without a card.? "-
and, I continued, not noticing the interruption, she danced with the
prince-" What without an introduction ? But she was obliged by
her promise to her godmother to leave the palace before twelve-
"How jolly early for a ball!"-under penalty of having all her
enchanted finery and equipage transformed to its original state. The
ball was continued for three nights. Wasn't that rather vulgar ?"
asked my infantile censor. Not in those days, said I, trembling as I
spoke, lest he should/demand the precise date. On the third night,
said I, the prince, who had tried very hard to find out who she was,
but had failed-"I should have given my lord chamberlain the
sack! "-contrived to detain her till close upon twelve. At the first
stroke of the hour, she ran away, but before she could escape from the
palace, her equipage had vanished, and she was in rags. But in her
hurry she had dropt a glass slipper which the prince picked up. "I
beg your pardon," interposed' my young companion, "did you say a
glass slipper? I nodded. "And she had been dancing Why, she
must have smashed it all to bits." But then, I urged, this is a fairy
story. "0, ah! I forgot!" said he,-with a too evidently contemp-
tuous pity for me for having committed myself to such an absurdity,
but with an equally evident intention to hear -me' out courteously. I

poceeded to describe how the prince sent out a herald with the glass
dlippex, declaring that he would marry her whose foot it fitted. My
young friend thought he would have done better to advertise ; but
when I proceeded to say that no one could get the slipper on until it
came to CINDRRELLAj he could not help laughing-" I beg your pardon,
but, you see, doing the work and slaving about as she did, she must
have spoilt her hands and got big feet, like MARTHA, our cook. I was
about to urge once more that this was a fairy story, but he anticipated
me, and apologized for forgetting that fact. "And I suppose,"
continued he, "that the prince married her; but I should think he was
jolly sorry for it, because she must have been precious like a soullery
maid, you -know!"
At this moment my young friend's parents returned, and I was
enabled, by taking a hasty leave, to escape from him. Bat if ever
I tell a fairy tale to a child of the period again, may I be condemned
to prosecute researches with the spectroscope into the composition of
the solar orb for the rest of my natural life I

THE fatil circle closes in around
The hapless city. On the startled ear
Hark how the voices of the guns resound,
As still the foe creeps nearer and more near;
Perchance at last, with one resistless bound,
A path with steel, and not with fire, to clear,
And o'er the fallen town his conquering lag to roar I
1. A "vestment" about which, I ween,
The High and Low Church folks between,
There has much controversy been.
2. Happy grammarian, versed in many a tongue,
His long life crowning
With quiet sleep, he had his requiem sung
In long procession up the mountain's side
His followers bore him,
And laid him where, except the heavens wile,
Was nothing o'er him,
3. Supposing I were you, and supposing you were I,
And supposing.we both were somebody else, a change we should
4. Once 'twas a graceful pastime on the stage,
But now vulgarity is all the rage;
Breakdowns are rampant, wit and humour dead';
And legs have quite usurped the place of head.
5. The vessel shakes her snowy wing,
And I my love must leave;
Her arms around me closely cling,
'The while my lips receive
The parting kiss that says farewell,
As words could never-never tell.
6. The baron has ridden fast and far,
To tell the king where the foemen are;
And red with blood from his charger's side
Are the spurs that fiercely the baron plied.
7.'Four beggars met, and small, I ween,
Had the meals they that day tasted been,
But each produced from his wallet his store,
Nuts, oranges, raisins, and' figs galore-
And what for a banquet could beggars wish more !
SoLUTION or Acaosuu Nos 201.-River, Skate: Riches, Ink, Vesta,
Edict, Regale.
CnOREECT SOLUTIOeB OF AcaoB wt, No. 201, ncrnIevo JAN. 18th.-Zamberinn;
Pimlico Tom Cat; T. aEd T.; S Brace of Owl; Ardmore ; Dan; Bauggine
and Muaglns; Con; Brahom; Tomni Pinch; C. J. A. ; D. E. H.; AsphaLus ; Har-
row Weald; Ruby's Ghost; Goblins of Grays; Cusses at Brighton; Neli&e snd
Charlie; Biddy and Potter; Pentonville Chump; J. 0. P.; R. B. H.; Yerrip;
Ashleigt ; C. C. C. ; Chuscada; Slodger and Tiney; Sour Lemon; Chummie;
Timothy and Co.; Old Maid; R.K.; G.H.E.

Oh, Snakes I
WE fancy there must be a screw loose in this paragraph:-
From 75 to 100 British subjects in India die every 24 hours from snake bites.
At that rate our eastern dominions will run a chance of being depopu-
lated; for with every wish to provide the snakes with victims, we
don't think the supply can be kept up with so large a demand.
Perhaps there's a little error in the figures, the adder not being a
native of India.


[JANUARY 28, 1871.


Too Bad of Him.
AN advocate of
"Woman's Right's"
declares that man
has taken the most
unfair advantage of
his supremacy by
making ourlanguage
even a standing in-
sult to the sex. For
instance, she says to
describe wrong-do-
ing, he has coined
the verb to herr,
while to sing sacred
music is to hymn !,

A Good )Charac-
WE know a fellow
who is so excessively
hospitable that 'he
will even entertain
doubts, and has fre-
quently harboured
malice., As for his
friends he is. always
ready to take them

WHAT is the dif-
ference between eau-
de-vie and cold
weather? One tips
the nose, and the
other nips the toes!

Emigrd (to English friend) :-" AH, MON AMI, I JUST COM OF TO HEAR, IN THIS PLACE,

Natural History.
have their preju-
dices and predilec-
tions, like the rest of:
the world. For in-
stance, they have al-
ways held up the
bee as a model of
economy and fru-
gality. Yet a single
glance at a bee will
prove that it is guilty
of a much greater
'waist than the
maligned wasp.'

THE French sailors
in the forts outside
Paris appear to have
found a congenial
occupation which
must remind them
of their regular em-
ployment. They are
pitching shells
into the Prussian

WHY should you
never carry an en-
crier, or portable
bottle of writing-
fluid ? Because you
will, find it an ink-


PFUJN.-JANUARY 28, 1871.



\ I

\;i, ~;)


I wAs down Piccadilly some little time back,
When the dirtiest dog ever seen
Took a fancy to follow quite close in my track,
To my lodgings near Paddington Green.
I would willingly spend ev'ry atom I'm .worth,
To find out who his master may be;
For, supposing he owns any master on earth,
Why on earth should the brute follow me?'
Permit me to ask,
As I'm still in a fog,' ,*
"Has anyone lost such a thing as a dog!P"
Only fancy a gentleman drest in the style,
And reflect what that gentleman feels
When he traps the metropolis mile after mile
With a strange little whelp at his heels.
But the worst of my story I've still to relate;
For he settled in front of my door,
And informed me as plainly as language could state
That we never should part any more.
Permit me to ask,
As I'm still in a fog:
Has anyone lost such a thing as a dog ?"
If I drive him away he returns to his post,
If I kick him he won't even stir;
And I've emptied a butt of cold water almost
On the head of that quaint-looking cur.
How he picks up his meals is a mystery quite;
Though I'm rather inclined to believe
That he haunts the back slums in the dead of the night,
And is awfully given to thieve.
Permit me to ask,
As I'm still in a fog ;
"Has anyone lost such a thing as a dog ?"
Could I learn his address I might coax him away ;
Could I hit on his owner at least,
I would gladly part company, even to-day,
With that highly intelligent beast.
He has robbed me of peace, he has robbed me of sleep;
And I hardly know which I shall do-
Whether sell him to pay the expense of his keep,
Or present the dear creature to you.
Permit me to ask,
As I'm still in a fog:
"Has anyone lost such a thing as a dog ? "
N.B~-The above has been rejected by all the professional "comics "
of the day, and is recommended strongly to amateurs.

Historical Note.
IT is much to be regretted that History, while it records with great
minuteness. the number -of fiddlers attached to the court of the early
monarch COLE, and even goes into details with regard to his partiality
for a bowl and baccy, makes no mention of the manner of his decease.
Recent researches in the British Museum have led to the discovery of
a black-letter ballad in which occurs the passage:-
Scuttled his knob in the twinkling of a bedpost.
We are led by internal evidence to the belief that this refers to the
scuttling of the knob of CozE. Antiquarians please note.

A Stray Tip.
WHEN a man is unable to tell the time by his watch because there
are two hands and he doesn't know whish-ter-ber-lieve," it is a
tolerably sure sign that he has partaken of more refreshment than
Nature requires.

'Tis Distance Lends, &c.
OuB friend LACKCOiN says he has an extensive relation-one of the
"widest-spread" nature possible. f e is his aunt's grandmother's
third husband's sister's niece's brother-in-law's uncle, twice removed
and he is a regular miser. Which, says L, proves that his existence
is far and near."

ANOTHER Cape of Good Hope: Cape-ability.
(THE following has been delayed in transmission).-An occasional
correspondent points out to us how fruitful the Germans are in
resources. On a late occasion when fuel was scarce they constructed
a Yule log from a Feld Pote.


AFTER leaving school I retained the simple and unaffected manners
of boyhood; in the left pocket of my inexpressibles I still carried six
yards of string,, some toffee, a pair of scissors and a long piece of slate-
pencil. Cherished memorials of the olden times !
I grew up-accomplished, beautiful, and overflowing with senti-
ment. I had no money to speak of, but my Uncle EDWAnD from
Bombay possessed millions. He choked himself with a fish-bone when
I was nineteen; and my piece of toffee, crammed into his mouth at
the moment of suffocation, prolonged his life for several days. He
left me all his money when he died. Poor Uncle EDWARD I
In those days I had a tailor whose bill I refused on principle to
settle. I once met this persevering tradesmen on board a penny
steamer. We were alone, close to the bulwarks; and he suddenly fell
into the Thames, but I declare 1 never touched him. I immediately
threw out my six yards of string to the drowning dun; he seized one
end so tightly, that I involuntarily abandoned the other. Verdict,
Acoidential Death.
After Uncle EDwARD's decease I became a rich man. But, I pined
for a bride of equal opulence. I found a lovely creature, all beauty
and wealth; but she leved another. With my own scissors I
abstracted a look of her auburn hair. She married my rival and lost
all her money in railways very soon afterwards. The hair was only
My slate-pencil has not yet proved of any particular service to me,
but I still preserve it as a relic of my guileless boyhood.

ONcE more this old globe I abide o%,
Completing its circle forlorn,
Brings the day round, so many have died on-
The day upon which I was born!
'Tis the forty-sixth ) ear since the issue
Of My Life" in the form you survey:
So the proper remark is-" I wish you
Many happyreturns of the day I"
The book's sadly dog's-eared and blotted-
Nay, some of the pages are out!
And some are unhappily spotted
With teardrops of grief or of doubt.
And my frontispiece seems growing yellow,
And my hair is besprinkled with grey.
But my friends say I wish you, old fellow,
Many happy returns of the day! "
No doubt it is kind in intention;
But when one's sick, sorry, and old;
There be plenty of things one could mention
One would rather as wishes be told;
And as touching the book you have read of,
If you ask me for candour, I say
That it's time to write Finis" instead of
"Many happy returns of the day."

What does it mean.!
THERE are so many old statutes which can be routed up like the
Sabbath Observance Act under which some struggling traders have
been lately prosecuted by a busy Bss, who is not always Right; that
we never know what fossil statute may not be routed out by malice,
bigotry, or ingenuity. Perhaps the following case is an instance of
some such resuscitation:-
A WIHELBARROW OFFENCE.-Frederick Wood, labourer, was charged with
driving wheelbarrow, on the 17th ult., at New-road, Barnet.-P.C. 335 8 proved
the case.-Discharged on paying the costs, for which a week's time was allowed.
We confess we cannot see how driving-or even overdriving a wheel-
barrow can constitute an offence, unless the overdriving means driving
over some one's toes. The sentence is almost as puzzling as the
offence, for the labourer was discharged without a fine-but had to
pay costs, which looks curiously like the old verdict of "Not guilty,
but we warn him not to do it again."

Shakespeare for the Million.
"Tizzy 'nough-'twill serve "-as the intelligent youth exclaimed
when he paid his humble sixpence to the gallery.

"THE glass of Fashion":-Nose-goggles, just now.
"THIS is the prowdest moment of my life," as the newly-launched
ship said, when her bow touched the water.

JAwuAEY 28, 1871.)]

42 FU N. [JANUAiY 28, 1871.


1. This Bear escapes from the Welsh Harp at Hendon. 5. The inhabitants of Hendon make up their minds to the dreadful emerg'ney.
2. The Public at once see what he is like. 6. How they tracked the fearsome beast.
3. How he escaped through the curiosity of a Peeler and the weakness of 7. And ran away on seeing it (as they thought).
his bars. 8. Why not call out the military? say some.
4. How he met a native-mutual terror. 9. No, no-the civil power is sufficient, say others.
10. Strategy by net is on the eve of execution when the bear is captured single-handed and produced by the proprietor.

IN Hendon, when the sun was low, Then shook mamas, to terror driven,
The bullseye of 820 0, For fear the youngsters should be given
Affrighted with its sudden glow To that wild beast, whose force had riven
Young Ursa snoring peacefully. The bars of the menagerie.
And Hendon saw a dreadful sight, But wider 'gan the rumour flow
When startled by the glaring light, In Hendon, and those parts, yof know;
The youthful Bruin sought in flight And soon they vowed the overthrow
The shrubs and evergreenery. Of Ursa, ranging rabidly.
By that bear-rumour sore dismayed, 'Tis morn; at least it's nearly one,
Each nursemaid owned herself afraid And, armed with blunderbuss and gun,
For their diurnal promenade Assembled every mother's son
To take her charge of infantry. In volunteering panoply,


The strife approaches. On, ye brave,
Who would from bears your offspring save,
Wave, rustics, all the pitchforks wave,
And charge your rusty musketry.
When, lo, who is it that they meet
But MR. WAiNER in the street,
And neathh his arm, subdued and beat,'
The cause of their -anxiety P

A very Soft Answer.
WHAT we like to see in scientific discussions is temperate and logical
language. We generally get it, more or less: but we seldom fall in
with a specimen of such calm argument, such grave deliberation, and
such considerate, language, as are to be found in the following letter,
addressed to the editor of the City Press by the enthusiast who will
insist that the world is flat because he can't see found it:-
SInTor,--How about the solar eclipse, on account of which this nation has been
swindled out of about 2,000.L, including the loss of the Psych4t You, and other
ignorant blockheads of the press, said it was it a disgrace to England not to lend
her aid ; ard I alone told the Government that you were a parcel of lying knaves.
Am I right or wrong ?
Swindon. o JOHN ABrPDEN.
We have received a polite note from Mn. HAmrnsN, but as it is not
quite so much to the point as this one we will not waste type on it.
How about the solar eclipse ? is a question which at once silences
all scientific men. It was only predicted long ago on a theory, based
among other things on the belief that the earth is a globe revolving
round the sun, with the moon revolving round it. How about the
solar eclipse ? says MH. HAMPDEN, in order perhaps to prevent others
from asking him the question.
But all this has nothing to do with the innate grace of MtR.
HAMPDEN'S arguments. "Ignorant blockheads" and "lying.knaves"
are unanswerable syllogisms. What "Ideot" means we don't under-
stand, not being versed in foreign languages. And what is the
English of "phool" ? Perhaps Ms. HAMPDBN knows.

Cab Rank. Hi!
On Monday evening Mr. and Mrs. George Moore entertained 150 cabmen to
supper at their house in Kensington Palace Gardens. On leaving each man was
presented with an almanac and anew shilling.
Now this was very nice and very appropriate, all men require
k" nack to get along in the world, but who so much as he who has
to get along a knacker." And to no class of men that we know of
can a shilling of their own be a thing more perfectly new than to the
(50 times 151) cabmen. Still it is to be feared some of the favoured
150 whilst holding the glittering bauble in their hands actually
spat upon it for luck, and it may be imagined that some-those
advised to avoid drunkenness-went so far as to aplit their shilling "
in order to Drink Long Life to the generous givers in a noggin-neat,
and just one noggin-Mo(o):'!

Theatrical Mem.
A CORREsPONDDNT wishes to know whether the waggon of Thespis
was the origin of the word "dray-ma." ,We don't profess to be a
classical coach, but as only men performed in the earliest times we are
inclined to think that Thespis's waggon was really a stage and carried
-the mails.

Walking in the Zoo.
WHAT is the difference between a zebra and a Cannon-street orator ?
One's the donkey that's got the stripes; and the other's the donkey
that deserves them.

A Happy Accident.
KEno FaosT having placed his veto on more than one suburban
"gate-meeting several cases of broken legs have since been noted.

A Nut'for Republicans.
IT is a well-ascertained fact that as a rule the centre of a common
wheel is a nave. o

A Query for the Choir.
WOULD choristers sing better if instead of surplices they wore

Oh !
IF a man sells you a second-hand paletot, and charges you the full
price of a new Ulster," why ought you to keep your carriage in it ?
Because it's a coat. choose.

CONTINUED bombardment of Paris. An ocean of shells seem to pro.
duce as little effect as shells of ocean."= The famous Sergeant Hoff
has taken himself hoff." Said to be a Prussian spy. = Prussian-
spy-dishcovery, common in Paris, as groundless as the old four-and-
twenty blackbird's ditto. = Petition for winding up of Patent Bread
Machinery Co. Limited. It of course came before the Master of the
Rolls. = Mn. FoRTsrt, at Bradford, expressed his belief in his Educa-
tion Bill. His constituents don't share in it. Bill consequently
dishonoured. = MR. RoeRsucK writes to say that England is in a bad
way, and is in need of a man to preserve her. He knows a party-
"address J. A. R."-J. A. R. gon! = Jury have recommended that
.the manufacture of gunpowder, caps, and other explosives be carried
on "under" a government inspector. Rather hard lines for him,
poor fellow! = Anti-Gladstone Meeting of the hole-and-corner order
at Greenwich. Gladstonites turned the tables, and smashed the
chair. = Weather continues unsettled. A great many Christmas bills
ditto! = Frost made an R. A. In consequence of the recent inclement
weather? = LORD VEiNON Chairman of Committee for sending seeds
to the French farmers. T'er-non semper vir.t. Very proper! = Meet-
ing of Republican French sympathisers, presided over by Odger. They
sympathize with the French because they tell them mob law is the
rule of the foule. = Certain silly volunteers think because they have
paid for their uniforms they may wear them where they like. Mustn't
wear them at all without leave of the authorities, as all sensible
volunteers know. = The sympathy of the better portion of the public
inclines to France, but checked by Tomfoolery of the Merryman. Save
France from her friends I = French getting the worst of it. But the
worst of it is they won't acknowledge it. = Mr. Childers has not
resigned. We should not have been resigned if he had.

Drawn with a Head.
BIBBli says he has a rooted objection to Teetotalism. We suppose
he means a tap-rooted objection.

Church Ratiocination.
IF the verger charges you a shilling for putting you into a seat;
to refuse to pay him is pew-siller-nimity.

AN argument in favour of over-crowding:-" 'Tis spacee that
A Contradiction in Terms.
WHY is courage out of place in a dauntless hero P Because it's not
his spherer.

[We eannof return unaccepted MXS. or S'ketc1ies, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourseie
responsiblefor losss.
LvcipBt.-Not posted-up in light literature though.
F. C. B.-Alas, your much-prized joke is not up to the mark.
TENAX (Weymouth) does certainly ax ten riddles, but they are all weak.
C. (Dublin).-Thanks, but we can take no notice of it.
FLORA.-Your floral offering runs too much to dandelions and grass
rather than flowers of speech. The lines are so laboured, we could
almost fancy you grew them in mustard and cress.
L. (Islington) sends us some clever lines and begs us if they are worth
anything to "forward the sum to any deserving charity.'" We shall send
it to a Reformatory, as then in time L may reap the benefit of it. His lines
are stolen from an American paper!
BRIEnLEss (Temple).-We are tracing the monogram. You will hear
from us.
Y. Z.-Your struggles to be comic remind us of the plunging of the
Rhinoceros when it fell into the ice the other day. We feel inclined to
follow Mr. Bartlett's example and fetch a rope for you.
PUNIST.-We don't see why "to oblige you" we should insert your
very bad puns-especially as we can make worse ourselves, if we only try.
M. (Stratford).-Much obliged ,
I. McK. (Manchester).-We hope to do so!
H. M. (Preston).-Thanks for the suggestion.
Declined with thanks :-T. T.; A. M., Ewell; T. N., Lambeth: Doddy;
Taunton Hospital; L. X. A Manchester; A. M Hull; F. S.; K. S. W.,
Plymouth; W. J. J., Brantwods; R. W., Glasgow; H., Great Coram-
street; A. M.; Toodles; H. F. A., Sydenham: P. X. Y. Z.; J. W., Sal-
ford; G. G., Shields; Whiskey; G. B., Brighton; F. L. W., Liverpool;
S., Hornsey-street; W. M. T., Brecon; 8., Manchester; C. 4.. C., Bays-
water; C. J., Kennington Park; Three, Hot; W. R. P., Liverpool; F. A.
L., Fognall; D. W. G. Blackburn: C. R. W.: B. B.; J. K.; A. J. H.,
Leadenhall-stre-t; H., Wa erloo; Uncle Jack; Old Subscriber; Sleep-and-
pay-the-rent; G. H., Whitehaven; J. W. C., Londonderry; R. Wolvr-

JAimAY, 28, 1871.]

14 FUN.1 [JANUARY 28, 1870.

LACES OP paupers' SKIN!" [Collapses.

1MTR. SHIRLEY HiBBERD's Garden Oracle (Gardener's Magazine
Office) is an admirably arranged diary and note-book, with directions
for every month's work. An article on the management and ordering
of small gardens will be found exceedingly useful by those for whom
it is written.
THE Royal Blue Boo0c, which may be briefly described as the essence
of the Directory is just issued, and is compiled and arranged with the
care and lucidity, which have long since gained for it the popularity
it deserves.
The Year Bwk of Photography under the able editorship of MR.
WHARTON SIMnsoN continues to hold its position, and to appeal, by
the many interesting scientific topics which it treats so clearly, to a
wider public than its title modestly claims.
Spanish Towns and Spanish Pictures (HAYES, Henrietta-street) is one
of those useful manuals which owe their origin to judicious selections
from the well-kept diary of a traveller-not a "tourist." MRS.
TOLLBMACHE has collected much valuable information, and she
conveys it in an agreeable manner.'

NOT the Motto for Skaters: No heel-taps.

THs ExAMNER, 26th March, 1870:-" Catalogues, as a rule, are
about the least interesting .combinations of typography published,
except, of course, those having some special object in view MR.
STREETBR, of Conduit-street, whose speciality is the manufacture of
jewellery by machinery, has, however, produced a little book, artisti-
cally printed, illustrated, and bound, containing iome useful informa-
tion on such topics as the quality of the gold and the workmanship of
articles of jewellery, the manufacture of watches by machinery, &c.
The engravings are admirably executed, and the designs show great
taste end originality."

Remarkable Evidence of a Previous -State of Existence.
A PROVINCIAL paper, reporting the career of an eminent divine, just
departed, says:-
He was a well-known author and contributor to Serial Literature. He was
Hulsean Lecturer at Cambridge in 1841-2, and examiner of Logic and Moral Philo-
sophy in the University of London. From 1841 to 18657-for eighteen years prior to
1853-he was Vicar of Wymeswould in Leicestershire, and during four succeeding
years offio!ating minister at Quebec-street Chapel. He owed his appointment (as
Dean) to Lord Palmerston in 1867.
Marking well the dates, we are favoured with the concluding remark:
"He was born in London in 1870." If this is not "previous
existence what is ? Let the learned look to it.

Le Follet.
THE girl of the period is accused of being too practical. And yet a
glance at her chignon proves how fond she is of building castles in
the hair!

NOTICE.-Now ready, the Nineteenth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s.; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, 1s. 6d. each.

THE COURT CIRCULAkR, 19th March, 1870, says:-"Ma. STREETEE,
of Conduit-street, has just published a neat catalogue, with very elabo-
rate and artistic designs of diamond ornaments, jewellery, and watches
and clocks, made by maclhin'ry. By this process the most costly
articles of this class may be obtained at a much cheaper rate. The
book is a very useful one, and handsomely got up."
THE BROAD ARROW, 9th April, 1870 :-" MR. ITREETER (everybody
knows MR. ST-REETER), has sent us a very pretty little book, quite a
'machine-made jewel' of a book; in fact, the type, illustrations,
binding, and tout ensemble of which are perfectly unique."

printed :y JU'DD & Co., fPhmnix Works, at. Andrew's Hill Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: Jan. 28, 1870.

, r-BL--A-- 4, IS1. FR O M



The will was gone !!! Alas! poor Cyril de M. Then the wicked, full of glee, began to batch plots. And the bad distant relation succeeded to
the estate.

On a gloomy night three villains lay in wait for
their vi tim.

Anon three mangled corpses strewed the soil.

Ere one short year The faithless Emily-Alice was
had expired, betrothed to the usurper.

Madly Cyril endeavoured to drown his griefs in the wild pleasures of the world.

But in the silent midnight hours his rest was ever horribly disturbed.

Reckless, at last, with rage, he tracked the savage intruder to its lair-when- Once more the heir had his own, and the faithful Emily-Alice returned to his
- in a long-neglected chimney-pot he found-the will! 1! virtuous side. Thus, though vice, &c.


46 F UJN FEBRUARYY 4, 1871

.FUN OFFICE, fWednesday, Feb. 1, 1871.
E have all looked forward to the London Conference as a
means towards bringing the Prusso-French war to an end.
But JuLES FAYRE, instead of trusting to this hope, has
wisely availed himself of the negotiations which brought him
into communication with Versailles, to treat for peace, and arrange
the terms of capitulation. All will rejoice at a step which seems to
promise peace, but it seems impossible not to feel sorrow that France
having so long and nobly endured should but drag her feeble limbs to
the door of the Conference to sink exhausted on the threshhold--
too late I

Sm,-I should have written to you before, but have not been able
to collect myself or my thoughts sufficiently under my great astonish-
ment. You will remember, sir, that we have had some frost. Also
that we have since had a thaw. When the frost froze up all my water
pipes I did not repine, as I considered that was but natural; but, sir,
I do object to the warmth coming in so swiftly as to thaw not only my
water but the pipes also, which run all over the house. But the
worst part of the matter is, sir, that the butter, cheese, candles, and
even the cold meat thaws in a most remarkable manner. In fact, so
great is the change in the temperature that of a dozen eggs left by me
for experiment in an exposed spot last night only the six smallest
(possibly they were also the hardest) remained this morning. I notice
that the policeman, who is on very friendly terms with our cook
appears to be suffering from an entirely opposite freak of nature, for
he has within the last few weeks fattened out tremendously. Perhaps
you may have heard of sudden warmth effecting similar phenomena,
if so reply at once to Yours truly,

Conjuring Extraordinary.
W a shall notice next week the magic of PROiESsoR HERMANN at the
Egyptian Hall, meantime let all take the children during the holidays.

The "Telegraph" Moon again !
WE are glad to learn that the real, original, old Blue Boar "-the-
Paris correspondent, who, in the days of the Empire, made us all love
(if we laughed at) our Daily Telegraph is still alive, and well, in the
besieged capital. Who does not remember the glorious moon which
flooded with splendour a night scene at St. Cloud, on a night which
the Saturday Bliew ascertained to have been moonless-to all except
specially gifted lunatics? We: detect our-" long-missing moonist" in
the following passage in the Telegraph of the 24th January :-
PARIS, Jan. 20.-Midrinaht; a bright moon overhead; violent cannonading in
the distance l:was returning from a, dinner party.
Empires decay, and fetes at St. Cloud vanish; Paris is reduced to dogs
and cats, but still our friend" goes to dinner parties." And still, true
to its votary, that no-surrender moon looks down with a bright smile,
haunting his visions. Yes, there is that "bright moon overhead" on
the 20th of January, the almanacs of ordinary people announcing a
"new. mnon on the 21st "-an arrangement which would have shorn
of their silver beams writers, who do not, like our friend, provide
their own "moonshine."

.Stitch, Stitch, Stitch.
THE Sick and Wounded sentimentality, and the excessive and
misdirected charity, to which it has given rise, have had a new light
thrown upon them by the South London Press. That very able journal
has discovered that the clothing sent out for the sick and wounded-
clothing which we have it on the evidence of an eye-witness often lies
useless and rotting-is made by contract, and that the contractors
Now paying poor woman the extravagant sum of threepence-halfpenny per pair
for finishing trousers, the long seams of which only have been stiched by machine!
It is possible, we understand, for a woman working hard during long hours, and
only putting in "slop" work, to make three pairs per day, which, if it could be
kept up, would realize five-and-threepence a week. Recently tents given out to be
made at twopence-halfpenny each, and shirts to be finished-all but the sewing of
the seams, which could be done by machinery-at sixpence the dozen, each shirt,
it is calculated, taking two hours to finish !
Shade of Alton Locke Still living echoes of the Song of the Shirt !
What shall we say to the charity that "sweats the poor at home, to
lavish advertised but needless philanthropy upon foreigners!

A Pair of Seizers.
VWE learn that Cincinnati arms its police with steel nippers instead
of clubs or revolvers. The implements of course would do-at a pinch;
but we think we see a tendency towards the homoeopathic treatment
of crime in the use of pinchers for the suppression of vices. We sup-
pose the constabulary of Cincinnati is described as a Police Forceps.

SIR,-I want to know what is wrong with these beautiful lines
which I wrote the other day. I showed them to a critical friend, and
he says I have harnessed the car of glorious Apollo in front of my
soaring Pegasus. Yours, &c.,
The moon was baying the watchful hound,
As it stole through the azure depths profound;
And the dark made hideous the long-drawn howl,;
As midnight hooted the lonely owl.
The heavens had quitted the beams of day;
And the casement lighted the taper's ray,
Where her couch sought beautiful ISABEL,
As the hour struck the clock with silvery knell
And beneath the window, the shrubs among,
A serenade sang her lover's tongue:-
The hawk shall mourn the dove,
The flower shall shun the bee;
Ere her deserts my love,
Or me abandons she I
When mountains rills shall climb,
When earth shall drown the sea;
Then us shall alter time,
Our vows shall give-up we!
[The only parallel we can recall to this most ingenious instance of
Pegasus being backed to any amount is a story related of one,of our
poets-was it Crabbe ?-who, being somewhat backward as a youth,
wrote the following lines on the death of a mouse, which was killed in
his father's house by the family cat.
This mouse killed our kitten;
And so its history is written.
It is of course allowable in verse to arrange sentences in inverse order,
but then even in verse they must not imply the converse of their real
meaning.-Ed. FuN.]

Sportsmen !
THs recent hard weather has crowded the columns of the press with
accounts of the slaughter of rare birds, whose visits to our coasts are
very few and far between. We protest in the interests of humanity
and natural history against this reception of the feathered strangers,
and we feel sure that if the newspapers would refuse to record these
murders, for the glorification of those who commit them, one incentive
to the slaughter would be removed. At the same time we ourselves
will with pleasure record every instance in which a genuine sportsman
lodges a charge of small shot in the tenderest part of those idiotic
birds, the local geese, who will go hedge-popping after rare visitors,

A Wonderful COnger-egation.
A 36-lb. Conger taken off Ramsgate fairly out-Ostrich's Ostrich.
Its stomach was found to contain, says the Surrey Comet (not to come
it too strong, we hope), the following miscellaneous collection of
A large thick woollen glove, three pieces of coarse blue serge, a pocket-comb
three inches long, part of a leather brace, a bone button, some tobacco, and a long
bone, apparently the leg bone of a wild fowl, nearly five inches in length, were all
tightly compressed together.
We are asked to swallow the marvellous statement that "'the fish ate
well-when cooked!" Certainly it ate ravenously when living.
Probably a few encaustic tiles would have suited its maw-the maw
the merrier.

The Greater contains the Less,
A PARIS correspondent tells this story:-
A few days ago, in the same flist-rate restaurant at which I' aw the supposed
salmon, I was offered lamb for dinner. The proprietor declared most solemnly it
was innocent lamb. Whereupon, with a trust in human nature which is worthy of
the garden of Eden, I agreed to eat the innocent meat. What do you think it
was I It was the opposite of lamb-it was wolf.
Of course the lamb had laid down inside the wolf, according to the
Yankee definition of the millennial relations of the lion and the juvenile
sheep. Under these circumstances lamb can hardly be said to be the
opposite of wolf, seeing that it was the contents of wolf, and that
considering the war on the continent, the correspondent in question
need hardly have ranged himself among the non-contents, by com-
plaining of the dinner.

FEmBuARY 4, 1871.]


Some sincere effort should be made to cheek habits which are notoriously on the increase, and which
threaten to degrade women even of the well-born and educated classes beyond the help of theories, however
brilliant, of their rights. It is.honest-and prudent to confess that drunkenness is no longer quite unknown
even in the most charming drawing-rooms, be it under the form of dipsomania or oinomania, habitual or occa-
sional excess.
We could multiply stories of the shifts to which well fenced-in ladies have been reduced when in their own
homes spirits were not easily attainable; how one took to stealing the spirits of wine used for lamps, and another
-employed an old clo' man to fetch her champagne. Saturday Revieo.

ATURDAY Reviewer,
Whose unsparing whip'll
Flay all people, who err
SIn the way of tipple,
Think you us in vile
Credulousness sunken,
That you dare to style
English women drunken!

Fiction is your forte!
That secures you patrons;
Let your fancy's sport
Picture frisky matrons."
English wives, we know,
'Do not cut such capers.
'That's no matter,.so
You' can e8ll.your:papers!

,Girls, too, once you drew!
Of the period" named them;
What-foolscaps you threw-
Yes, but. no one claimed them !
.-England, at your strictures
Laughing, said df hermaids
hYours were -fanoy.;pictures,
Fabulous asmermaids!
Why, ff'true.>your case,
.All:themnation grovels
In a Stateimore base,
Than eensation novels
(Which you say forsooth
Whdlly are exempt of
.-Any spark of truth)
Ever yet have dreamt of!

THE Honorable Artillery Company gave ,their annual Assault of
Arms on the 25th ult., and the large assemblage of Jadies and'gentlemen
present showed the interest taken in the athletic sports of this ancient
corps-the fons et origo of all our volunteer regiments. The enter-
tainment was varied; there being foils, sticks, sabre and bayonet,
rapiers and gloves (not to mention some capital wrestling). The
most noticeable displays were the cavalry sword exercise of Burr
and OTTERWAY (of the 2nd Lifeguards), the quatterstaff bout between
MEssRs. NUNN AND LAWFoDn, and the rapier encounter between
MESSRS. WAITE AND MUNDAY, the latter Of whom in this as in a
fencing match showed himself a master of the small-sword.
Cedant togis arma :-From rapiers to readings! We have much
pleasure in .noticing a charitable entertainment given by MR. DIamON
CaOKER on the 23rd ult., at Lammas Hall, Battersea; where his un-
rivalledLpower of imitating celebrated actors were most heartily ap-
preciated and warmly acknowledged.
"GOOD fortune," as the proverb .says (or words to 'that effect)-.
makes us acquainted with pleasant lunch-fellows" ; 'but our good
fortune never served us a better turn in that 'way'hen when the other;
day it introduced us toa most agreeable company and a most excellent;
collation on board the good ship Gambier, the ifirst'vessel about to be:
despatched by the new and enterprising Cape and Natal Steam Naviga-'
tion Company to the gold and diamond fields at the Cape. She is
well-appointed in every respect, the low rates rdf iher freight and
passage money being due to an economy achieved'by an improvement
in her machinery, which saves coal without sacrificing speed. The
best wishes were expressed for her swift journey, which was ensured
by the appointment of an able commander in the person of CAPTAIN
J. A. Cox.

"Wears yet a precious jewel in his head 1
A BoOK has just appeared under the title of One Thousand Gems from
the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. It is, it appears, a collection of quota-
tions on various topics, extracted from the numerous discourses of MR.
BEECHER. In other words the Gems are paste-and scissors.

In one point at least'
You're than Harpies harder!
When they'd foul. a feast,
They ne'er blamed the larder.
Monsters brutal-passioned
When you've done creating,
You what you have fashioned
Fall to deprecating!

Fie, the trick's found out!
While with savage rigours,
Thus you laid about,
Youibut fought lay-figures.-
And of'women too!
Chivalry protect us;
Champions such as you
Never shall direct us!

IYou can ne'er have felt
Sister's care for brother-
You can ne'er have knelt
By the knee of mother-
No sweet maiden e'er
With her love has dow'red you;
'Or your pen had ne'er
Shown thus venom-soured you I

BAYARD of the Press,
Spite ofoall protesting,
You will, nevertheless,
Write yourthemes, suggesting
Women all are drunken,-
Keep on flinging dirt, you'!-
Women all are sunken
From the paths of virtue.

Yet is throwing mud
Manly occupation ?
Get you with bad blood
Healthy circulation P
Is the game worth trying
At suchcost of taper-
'Woman's worth belying
Just to push a paper ?

The Good Old Times.
WHO-does not remember the lines of SCOTT in which he tells how-
Belted Will Howard is marching here,
Wiuh hot Lord Dacre with many a spear.
The LoiD DACRE of that period was assisting Loan HOWARD, warder
of the Western Marches, in repressing the larcenous raids of the
Border moss-troopers. It is touching to find 'his descendant still
standing up for the rights of property,.as recorded'in the following
At thSaBffronWalden ptty sessions, John Rumble, a poor,misecrable-looking man
with one eye,twas charge l with stealing a quantity of wood, value 2d the properly
of Lord Dacre, at Crishall. onthe 7th December. He pleaded guilty and said he
toek it'tominke a fire with; he hakl 'otly 8s. per week and a family of six to keep.
Fined with'leniage 11s., costs 9s., or 14 days. Defendant said'heo had no money
and must go'to prison. He was committed.
Lucky.Joam RUMBLE, who is-a itick-stealer of the present day, instead
of a moss-trooper of !the good dld times, when ScorT's "het Lo it
DACRE "-who naturally would not have appreciated his suffering from
cold-would have given'him short shrift and a long halter. We trust
that, as df course he 'knows :history and poetry and all that sort of
thing, he will reflect on this, and be grateful -to the .present LoRD
DAaRE.for his tender mercy.

How -is 'that for high P
AMERICA is likelytto have a crow-not to say an everlasting bird of
freedom-to pluck with Prussia, in short, another 'set of Alabama
claims if this story be not all a bam:-
General Von lMfoltke was appealed "to by some gentleman in society the other
evening to settle some disputed point in connection with the history of the American
Civil War. "I know nothing about the Amejican Civil War," was tho quiet
reply, at which more than one in the loom expressed surprise. "No," said the
great strategist, "I have purposely kept myself in ignorance upon that subject;
because there was nothing to be learnt from it. War is a science, and any record
of the mere scrambling of two armed mobs can only produce confusion in the mind."
GENERAL SHERIDAN, who is the American military commissioner with
the Prussian army, must have been a very fiery Sherry, if he heard
this report. And what will the presidential BUTLER say ?



48 F U N [FEBRUARY 4, 1871.

1. While the Germans take Paris, why should net the French armies seize on 5. The discipline of the army is something extraordinary. Here we have Fritz;
Berlin-A pleasant little surprise for the Vaterlanders on their return, he has been put lwrs de combat, and is waiting for the werd of command to fall down.
2. The best hated man in Europe." 6. The Three Graces. Design for colossal group to be placed on the Arc de
3. Romantic incident of the war. Carl receives a sausage of the Fatherland from Triomphe.
Gretchen to whom he is troth-plighted. 7. German imperial charity. Contributions to the hospitals, ambulances &c. of
4. The German has a keen sense of humour. He must have his little joke. Paris.

F U N .-FEBRUARY 4, 1871.




AIi!/ I





NEvER do a sudden deed
Or act without reflection;
"The more of haste, the less of speed"
I hold a sage direction.
To act on impulses occult,
I count a peccadillo;
And best my comfort I consult
When I consult my pillow.

Some call such caution laziness,
And say that while one lingers,
All chance of fortune and success
Is slipping through one's fingers.
For loss of what is but a fluke
I ne'er will wear the willow;
All gambling hazard I rebuke,
And so-consult my pillow.

Give me a placid easy life,
Devoid of hurry-scurry.
Let those who choose rejoice in strife
And fret their souls with worry.
I'd rather doze upon the shore,.
Than toss upon the billow;
And so it is-as said before-
That I consult my pillow.
For eider-down I do not sigh-
Spring-mattresses I spurn.
On straw I am content to lie,
The dry ground serves my turn
As well as grand four-poster made
Small matter where my head is laid
When I consult my pillow.
For life is nothing but a dream,
A sleep and an awaking;
Then why about what does but seem,
. Such trouble are you taking!
Whene'er my weary lids shall close,
I tenui pulvillo
Shall meditate a long repose--
No more consult my pillow.


- C>


ALTHOUGH as a rule we refrain from retailing gossip which is often
malicious and always untrustworthy ;' we for once break through our
regulation to relate a circumstance calculated to create the deepest
excitement and the wildest interest not only in commercial circles but
at the West-endwhere the misguided subject of our narrative has been
accustomed to move in the best society. MR.-- (at the desire of the
police, in whose hands the matter has been placed, we suppress the
name) has for the last ten years been manager of a well-known and
thriving bank. Although barely five and thirty he has always been
believed to be a man of the strictest integrity and the most
acute business habits. Two years ago he married; and although
he at that time took a fine house in a fashionable square and
began to give receptions of some magnificence, it was not for a
moment supposed that he was at all exceeding his income, still less
that he was guilty of misappropriating the large sums of money
which were constantly passing through his hands. Some weeks ago
however he was observed by his subordinates to be somewhat distrait,
and excited. This he attributed to his suffering from a severe cold
and an attack of neuralgia, and the excuse was borne out by his
appearance, for he certainly looked far from well.
On the morning of the 19th instant the employes at the bank
noticed that he was peculiarly restless and fidgety, frequently consulted
his watch, and every now and then seized his hat as if with the
intention of leaving, but as suddenly hung it again on the peg. At
length, apparently after a desperate struggle he quitted the bank.
When next seen he was walking in the direction of the river, towards
the docks. On his road he met with an acquaintance, and conversed
with him it would seem for some minutes on irrelevant matters, with
apparent calmness. After this he must have retraced his steps.
for he was seen by a friend, who was on a penny steamer, standing on
the Thames Embankment, silently contemplating the waters, as if in
anxious meditation. As the boat hastened on that was the last this
witness saw of him: but we have since learnt from the unfortunate
man's own confession that he immediately afterwards took the fatal

plunge-hastened to the dentist's and had the tooth which had so long
troubled him extracted. While returning to the bank, he had his
pocket picked of a silk pocket-handkerchief, of the recovery of which
the police hold out small hopes.

Form, Riflemen, Form.
THE City, always foremost in wise movements, has set afoot one to
raise a fund for the purpose of providing ranges, drill grounds,
armouries, head-quarters, &c., for the City Volunteer Corps, which
have by hard struggles maintained a high position in the Volunteer
Force of the country, and deserve encouragement and aid- or rather
we should say claim them at the hands of those who feel that our
national defences require strengthening and enlarging. We are glad
to note that in the regrettable discussions, encouraged by ODOGE and
his following, touching the FAVrE demonstration, among the mis-
guided volunteers who ignorantly confounded their rights as citizens
with their duties as soldiers, and the fact that they bought their
uniforms with the fact that they could not wear them without leave,
only one City corps was rep--no! misrepresented. We may add
the Lord Mayor is chairman of the committee, which numbers many
distinguished names, and that a handsome sum has been already sub-

A Parallel.
A VERY occasional contributor informs us that he saw some ghosts
the other night and would have fainted but for a quarter of best
pineapple he had handy, after taking which (hot and with) the spirits
quite disappeared. If his statement be true (which we don't believe)
why was our correspondent extremely unlike an isosceles triangle ?
Because he was rumbuoyed. [We have inserted the foregoing out of
a feeling of pity, as it is the first glimmering consciousness of even a
bad joke ever shown by its perpetrator. However, we can promise
our readers that it shall never occur again.]

`EBBrARY 4, 1871.1


[FEBRsUAny 4,1871.

The City Police have had their annual festival. . rooms were appropriately
separated for dancing, concert, etc.. the evening was spent in a most enjoy-
able manner.-City Press.

Oun City Police
(May their joy never cease-
While they still are the best to-keep-peace men)
Gave their jollification
At Bishopsgate Station-
So long live our City Policemen!
Long live our City Policemen-
Our excellent City Policemen,
Poor Scotland Yard
Sighs very hard
For men like our City Policemen!

In the rooms, set for dancing,
How gaily were prancing-
And each with a partner apiece-men
Who, for once forgot duty,
And thought but of beauty,
Appreciative City Policemen!
Long live our City Policemen !-
Our sensitive City Policemen,
Whose hearts on the beat
Did duty complete
For our amiable City Policemen!
Nor did music's delight
Less fail to excite
When for concerts did dances release men.
With voices sonorous
They'll take-up a chorus-
Intelligent City Policemen!
Long live our City Policemen-
Musical City Policemen!
May every year
Bring additional cheer
To our well-beloved City Policemen.

MRS. CAROLINE GIACOMETTI PRODGERS has made another appear-
ance in public-this time in the Divorce Court. MRS. C. G. P. has
her troubles. Married to MR. GIACOMETTI-
Differences took place whilst on the marriage tour, and Mr. Giacometti stated a
short time since, when he sought for a restitution of conjugal rights, that she had
refused to continue to live with him, butas his wife had 50,O0ol.in the Funds alone,
it was asked that she should continue to live with her husband. She had gone to
his residence, turned up her nose, and went away without leaving any message.
MR. GIACOMETTI is a sensible man. 50,000 lying solitary in the
Funds crying aloud for companionship have doubtless roused him to
a sense of his duties. Half the amount would have had double the
effect upon us. "Why," said one barrister to another, during the
progress of the case, "did Mas. PRODGERS so disfigure herself?
Give it up ? Because, when her nose is transposed Mu. GIACOMETTI
nose her not. "But," replied the other, "if MBS. PRODGERS visited
her husband's house and went away without leaving any mess(u)age, she
cannot have deserted him, unless indeed, he were at the time-like the
old ladies in the story-arguing his cause from different premises."
(Collapse of first speaker and clearance of the court.)

Row, Brothers, Row !
THE slaves of the pen are too often accused of a want of stamina and
muscle and a consequent disinclination for athletic sports. We are
glad to find that the Newcastle Daily Chronicle completely refutes the
A SPECIAL EDITION of the Chronicle will be issued immediately after the
conclusion of the GREAT BOAT-EAC6 THIS MORNING, giving a full descrip-
tion of the contest by our own Reportersl
Would we had been there to see the great boat race contested by our
own reporters." We should like to see how short-hand could tackle
the long stroke.

THE other day in an exhibition billiard match between BENNETT
and CooK the latter was credited with a break of 752. BaowN says
this must be a mistake, for JONES (his informant) was on the spot all
the time the game was being played.



FELrX PYAT says, TRocHu is a Laocoon who will strangle the
Republic." So did not the classic Laocoon strangle the serpents.
TRocHU will resemble the classic party and be strangled. = Paris
papers say Germany is being invaded, and the Prussians have no
refuge but Paris. The Prussians won't be taken in by that refuge, if
the Parisians are. = ODGER wants to be paid for the sunk colliers and
to have them too. Can't have his cake and eat it as well. Hess cake
enough for anything! = Six JOHN PAKINGTON says Bradford does
not express public opinion and implies he does. And yet rude people
will say the public is a fool! = GAmnRTTA at Lille still preaches "the
bitter end." Deserves a bit o' rope's end. = Great want of fuel in
Paris. It gets all its firing from the Prussian batteries = GAMBETTA
says France would rather wage eternal war than allow herself to be
mutilated." We would rather live for ever than be made into
sausages. = Latest telegrams from the St. James's,- War is not a
lasting piece. = Bill-discounters prosecute infantry officer. Law
declines to help them, as they had been helping themselves-to 70 per
cent! = Liberal Association at Greenwich pass a vote of confidence in
GLADSTONE. Confidence not confined to them, the hole-and-corner
resignation-requisitionists must have their share! = VICAR oF ST.
PANCRAS says that on account of large number of inquests on persons
dying in the local workhouse, poor people won't take indoor relief.
Not in that form. Rather live out of it. = MIss FAITHFULr to lecture
on behalf of French refugees. Ill wind that blows nobody's trumpet.

AIR-"In my bark I roll."
0 RArPILY, rapidly onward afloat,
Runs the turbid and truculent Thames;
I sit on the prow of my beautiful boat
And manipulate manifold mems.
I ride on the wave near the Battersea pier
Of the terribly treacherous Thames ;
I long for a tankard of foaming brown beer,
And I watch the trees waving their stems.
Up, up, springs a breeze and the billows soon rise
O'er the tacitly travelling Thames;
My gondola cleaveth along in surprise,
And the spray looks like liquefied gems.
"Wo; breakers, I feel," cries the man at the wheel,
And our sail giving way at the hems ;
Out, out, go the oars, and we make for the shores
Of the tawnily telluric Thames.
Earlswood, Jan. 28.

Ex Nihilo.
ScIEmTilc people-it is very pleasant for unscientific people to
know-cannot always do as much as ordinary people, ordinary seamen,
even, for instance:-
Professor Marsh has also, among other curiosities, the result of discoveries made
during the expedition, a single joint of a venerable sea-serpent, from which he will
be able to construct a snake not less than 60 feet long. The projecting arm" to
which the rib was attached shows the monster to have been in every way a reptile
of immense proportions.
Many a common sailor has constructed a much bigger sea-serpent
than that, not only out of a bit of floating seaweed, but even out of
nothing at all.

Throwing a Light on it.
A coiUiSPONDENT begs us to tell him the name of the author of the
following lines, which he has met with recently in the course of his
tlear, moveless, fiery-tipped flame;
On thee in lucky hour I came
Thy light the best I do proclaim,
For writing fit,
Despite thy strange outlandish name,
Our answer is-BuRNs clearly!

Nothing New !
1IERB's an instance of the force of example!
At the Southampton quarter session, George Henry Henderson was sentenced to
ten months' imprisonment for, within four months of his bankruptcy, converting
to his own use goods entrusted to him as bailee. He was one of the principal jewel-
lers in Southampton.
Of course he had taken the Old Bailee as his model. But a jeweller
should know a good nugget from a bad Newgate.


Ir England to herself is true,
No foreign foe she e'er will rue ;
But when we see the forces great
That fence each European state,
We feel assured the English nation
Needs better war administration.

1. The dice are rattling, the cards displayed,
The stakes are staked and the bets are made;
When, lo, there's a knock at the iron door,
And& the tables suddenly sink through the floor!
The detective police have made descent
On. this secret gaming-establishment.
2.An" organ usually said
To be appended to the head.
And yet the cricket-mark, I beg,
Is blest with one in each fore-leg!
Some insects (microscopic showmen
Prove) carry theirs in the abdomen.
3. MAic TArL jollyy used to be
In dismal straits, we know.
How many fain would feel, as he,
When in a shaky Co P
4. Eastward of the Celebes
Lies an island in the seas;
And this place you puzzle o'er
Stands upon its southern shore.
5. This is a puzzling word to guess
A contradiction and no less;
For when you have the word aright,
The contrary you'll find it quite!
6. In Roman comedies, at times,
To raise a laugh the clownish mimes
Wore visors with capacious maws,
That worked with practicable jaws;
-And from the groundlings won applause.
SOLUTION OF AcRosTIC No. 202. West, Thaw : Wet, Eldoritch,
Sonata, Tow.
CORRECT SoLTIONBs OF AcnosTsI No. 202, RECEIVED JAN. 25th.--Pik; Cliff;
Old Maid; Blackheath Owl ; Pimlico Tom Cat; Timothy and Co; Sour Lemon;
Chummie; B. P. R.; Skinny Paw; Buggins and Muggins; T. 0. R. E.; D. E. IL.;
Biddy and Potter; Ardmore; 3 Eccles Cakes; Charley and Ti; Ruby's Ghost;
Slodger and Tiney; Cruelty Reach; J. 0. P.

Sporting Papers please Copy.
WHY is a racehorse's journey from paddock to starting-post generally
like the opening of a sermon ?
Unanimous answer from millions of excited turfites-Don't know.
Correct solution from unblushing querist-Because it's a preamble.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible.for lossj3
E. L. (Blackheath).-Why parody a parody that appeared so very
recently in our columns ?
S. N. (Hackney).-As we can't insert the copy, it's no use your "thank-
ing us to insert your name or initials at the end."
I. N. (Canonbury-road).-Not a great gun, according to our report.
CHuMPrxis.-Consult History.
F. S. (Chard).-If you wished the sketch back you should have complied
with our rules.
M. (The Valiant).-Not suitable.
E. (Ockendon-road).-See answer to F. S.
T. (Brecon).-We don't understand you.
G. L. M. (3, Grosvenor-equare).-I hat For-Lorne joke is treasonable.
We shall communicate with Scotland Yard.
C. M. (Rathbone Place).-No, thank you.
C.. W. (Wootton Bassett).-You have been answered. Have the
goodness to wait your turn. Our correspondence is heavy-very!
Declined with thanks :-Bones; R. W.; H., Eamont Terrace; Wide-
awake; 0. O. 0.; D. S., Glasgow; Bristol; A. C., Edinburgh; E. J.,
Walworth; G. B., Brighton; W. W. M., Canterbury; Toodles; J. E,
Barnsbury; Etonian; E. B., St. John's Wood; Banbury; A Cuss; Blen-
follern; E. L. S., Mincing-lane; Constant Reader, Sheerness C., Egham;
W. D., Battersea; A. E. G.; B., Wolverhampton; V. L.; A. P. L.; R.,
Barnsbury Park; Champagne Charlie; M., Blandford; John, Fulham;
W., North Shields; C., Deptford; G. W. W., Birmingham; P., Dudley;
E. W., Clement's-lane; C. J., Kentish Town; T. F., Mark-lane.

FEBRVARY 4, 1871.]


Porter (explaining) :-" WELL, 'M, YE SEE THE NEXT TRAIN DON'T STOP
[Old Lady is much better for the explanation.

IN Sans Breitmann as an Uhlan (TRUENER, Paternoster Row) MR.
LELAND aptly transfers his Teutonic hero, with all his old tastes and
habits, to the battle-fields of France. The spirit of the old ballads is
well-sustained. We shall not spoil sport by quoting any of the verses,
but we can't resist extracting one of the notes, explanatory of the by-
this-time-well-understood (as Hans would say) word "requisition."
A little girl, the daughter of an American quarter-master,-
Had confiscated or foraged or skirmished as it was indifferently called,
a toy whip belonging to her little brother of four years, who was clamorously
demanding its return. I cannot let you- have the whip," said she, gravely, as I
need it for military purposes; but I can give you a requisioh for it on my papa,
.who will give you an order on the United States Government."
We have received what announces itself as -Don Tuan, Canto Seven-
teenth, without giving us any external ground for supposing that it
is not a genuine Byronic fragment. A 'glance at the first page, how.
ever, is sufficient to prove that it is the most hopeless Brummagem."
The genius of BYRON was in dressing-gown and slippers during the
composition of Don Juan ; but it never in its worst deshabille descended
within miles of the bathos of this imitation, in which pitiful rhymes,
hopeless metre, and an all-pervading lack of point, sense, or purpose
find their appropriate level. We must, however, in fairness add that

MR. STREETER, successor to Hancock & Co. (Limited),37, Con-
duit-street, leading from Bond-street, W. All articles sold at 37,
Conduit-street are of the best London make.
Ma. STREBTEn, 37, Conduit-st., W., introducer of 18-carat gold jewel-
lery, machine made. Illustrated 'Catalogue post free for two stamps.

[LE~au"Y 4, 1871.

KITTY, sweet and seventeen,
Pulls my hair and calls me HARRY; "
Hints that I am young and green,
Wonders if I wish to marry.
Only tell me what reply
Is the best reply for KITTY ?
She's but seventeen-and I-
I am forty, more's the pity.
Twice at least my KITTY's age
(Just a trifle over, maybe)-
I am sober, I am sage;
KITTY nothing but a baby.
She is merriment and mirth,
I am wise and gravely witty;
She's the dearest thing on earth,
I am forty-more's the pity.
She adores my pretty rhymes,
Calls me "poet" when I write them;
And she listens oftentimes
Half an hour when I recite them.
Let me scribble by the page
Sonnet, ode, or lover's ditty;
Seventeen is KITTY's age-
I am forty, more's the pity.

To those about to Marry.
THERE is a Young Ladies. Society at Memphis, the
members of which bind themselves not to marry any man
who cannot give his flance'e a diamond ring. A weak-
minded American print suggests that the young men
should form a society and bind themselves not to marry
any girl not possessed of a fifty dollar chignon. Why the
dear creatures would .get the fifty dollars out of their
swains and the chignon would go to aid the diamond ring
in decorating the mercenary damsel. No! let the men
bind themselves not to marry any girl who has not passed
an examination to qualify her'as a suitable wife, who can
make beds, pies, her own dresses, garments for a possible
family, her husband happy and her home comfortable.
All that is more difficult to make than the price of the
chignon or even of a diamond ring.

: FROM A BENEDICT.-The best Bachelor's Bin."-
When he's bin, and gone, and done it!

there are seventeen stanzas out of the 107, of which the poem consists,
that we can find no fault with save that their similarity is so great
that when we quote one as a specimen, we quote all. We give the
first that occurs, the preference:-

* a a 5

If the rest of the canto had been equally meritorious, we should have
been able to say more for it.

A Newt-onian Theory.
OUR American cousins don't seem to be very strong in their natural
history:- .
A reptile.of the.lizard species has just been found embedded in the body of a
petrified fir tree near Calistago, Nape County, California. It does not open its
mouth, but keeps up a constant palpitating motion of the throat. The reptile is
about four inches long from the tip of the nose to the tail, and has four legs, the
feet of which have five claws, whilst its head resembles that of a small frog.
From the description it is pretty clear that this interesting little
reptile is probably only an early specimen of the newt-in short, simply
one of the eft-soons.

MR. STREETER, successor to Hancock & Co. (Limited), 37, Con-
duit-street, leading from Bond-street, W., introducer of machine-made
watches and clocks.
CLOCKS, for the dining-room, drawing-room, library, and
boudoir; bronzes, &c.-MR. STaEF.Tsi, 37, Conduit-st., Steam Works,
Coach and Horses-yard. Illustrated Catalogue post free for two stamps

printed by JUDD & Co., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-Street, B.C.-London: Feb. 4, 1571.


-FEBRUARY 11, 181. FU T. 55

'N, 1 6

Farmer :-" Lo !"

Sm GUY lived in the middle ages, which was his misfortune and not
his fault. He was fond of killing everybody who disagreed with him,
which was his fault and not his misfortune.
SIR GUY loved and was beloved in return. The fact of loving was
pleasant, and the fact of being beloved in return was almost over-
powering ; nevertheless, he bore up against it like a hero as he was.
he lady of his love was beautiful, accomplished, and amiable; but
she could neither read nor write. Very few ladies could read or write
in the middle ages.
Sm GUY sickened at bachelor life. The buttons were continually
coming off his cuirass, and it cost him a pang whenever he gave four
shillings and ninepence for a new hauberk. He longed for
We have already stated that the LADY ALICIA was beautiful. Her
features may not have corresponded with our modern ideas of womanly
loveliness; but she was admired in the middle ages, and we must
respect the taste of our ancestors because we owe them every-
At the age of thirty Sm GUY was an approved warrior. He had
lost several arms and legs in battle, and had also contracted an incur-
able squint through the perpetual expectation of receiving the point of
an enemy's arrow in the tip of his nose, This was only one of the
many anxieties which attended the feudal wars of that period.
SIR GUY wedded the LADY ALICIA, not without having put the
castle of her venerable father to fire and sword in order to gain his
consent to their union.
Were they happy? Let us hope so. There was no Divorce
Court in the Middle Ages.

IF any difference there be
'Twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee;
You'll own there also will be some
'Twixt Tweedledee and Tweedledum;
And t'other, "looked upon as sich,"
May easily be told from which.
And the conclusions drawn from these are
That POMPEY, who resembles CXSAX,
And OJCSAR, who's like POMPEY too,
Are very similar to view;
But POMPEY being, of the pair,
The most resemblance said to bear,
Why then, when we are told that these
As much alike are "as two peas,"
It follows pea must differ from pea,
Since C.sAn is less like than PoxEYr,
Who were alike to such a pitch
Themselves could scarce tell which from which,
But each himself with chalk would mark;
And even then, when in the dark,
Could no more see the difference
Than you of this can find the sense.
For if you find it-pray, you note it-
You're better off than he who wrote it.

WHY does a Jack Tar remind one of Shrove Tuesday F-Because
one's a Salt-the other batter-y.

VeL. XIII. '


[FEBRUARn 11 1871.

05 FUN OFFICB, Wednesday, Feb. 8th, 1871.
HE coming session will open with some difficult work for the
Ministry. It is true MR. GLADSTONE is still firm in his seat for
Greenwich, and that the pretended petition asking his resigna-
tion of the honour of representing the head-quarters of whitebait
and shrimps was a dodge of the opposition, who counted too much on
the appeal to human selfishness which they pressed so hardly.
Nevertheless several members of the Ministry have contrived to make
themselves unpopular, beside the incapable BRUCE and the irrepressible
AYRTON. The session opens fishily-let us hope it will be a good

Do you Smoke it!
THE fall Mall doesn't joke-intentionally-just as "the 10th doesn't
dance." We are therefore bound to believe that the astounding para-
graph we quote is intended to be believed-to give delight to Cope's
Tobacco Plant and cast a gloom qver the Anti-Tobacco Journal.
Smokers do not like to hear it asserted that they" mske beasts" of themselves
with their nasty tobacco, yet the reproach is more just than perhaps they imagine,
for it seems that some beasts, tigers for instance, are occasionally confirmed
smokers. A correspondent of the .Neilgherry Excelsior gives the following curious
evidence on that point:-" I observe," he says, that you give an anecdote of a
tiger snatching a cigar from a gentleman's hand and bolting with it. A friend of
mine once had a tiger cub and a terrier pup in rearing. He was a great smoker,
and the pets would play about the room while he indulged in the weed. The
sweeper noticEd that there was a gradual decrease of the cigar ends thrown away
by his master, which could only be due to his master becoming less moderate in his
habit or the use of the cigar ends by some one else. Determined to ascertain the
cause, he watched, and found one evening, after his master had retired to bed, that
the tiger cub was the new customer for the cig.r ends, his companion, the pup,
bringing him a firestick, stealthily abstracted from the kitchen. These are not the
only instances of tigers taking to smoking. Mehemet Aly, the most-enlightened
ruler of Egypt, kept a tame tiger, a full-grown one, to which he always handed his
hookahafter he had exhausted thescehted opium ball. On one occasion, the Pasha
having gone out to dinner, the hookabadar prepared the hookah, as usual, and
leaving the mouthpiece on the favourite chair of his Highness, went to watch his
return. Enter. g the room with the Pasha, the first object thatmet their Eight was
the tame tiger lying fa't asleep near the hookah. The Pasha called in vain, andi
the hookabadar shook the tiger in vain. He was dead drunk, having exhausted by
smoking every atom of the scented opium ball." It is fair, however, to add that
smoking does not appear to affect the appetite of tigers in India, for, according to a
report recently made by Mr. Mackenzie, officiating Joint Secretary to the Govern-
ment of Bengal, as to the cost of destroying these and other wild animals, it seems
that they continue to eat far more than their proper share'of the poor people in the
jungle districts.
Had this occurred at the period mentioned by the poet-
Once on a time,
When pigs were swine,
And monkeys chewed tobacco,
we might have accepted it unhesitatingly- as it is, we are just off to
call on MR. BARTLETT at the Zoological Gardens to ask him to have a
weed with us in the den of the Bengal tiger. The experiment is a
perilous one, but we will risk, it, in consideration of the advantage
that may arise to the public if it be proved that tigers are as fond of a
weed as wolves (according to the well-known story of the nigger
violinist) are of music. What a splendid thing it will be for the
" Sahib who is implored by the natives of an Indian village to des-
troy the local man-eater." While exploring the jungle for the beast
he will be able to take a hint from the Pall Mall smoker, and act on
the old whist maxim-"when in doubt play a stump."

A Hint for the School Board.
THE Russian scheme of military re-organisation has just been made
public :-
Every male subject of the Czar, on reaching the age of 21, is to be compelled to
join the army, and will be enrolled for 15 years. He must serve seven years with
the colours and eight in the reserves. No exception on account of rank is to be
allowed; and only public professors and teachers will be exempt from military
As there is said to [be a want of masters for the schools to be esta-
blished under the new Bloard, we venture to suggest as a remedy the
adoption of the Russian military system in England. We will bet
our best set of teeth, our wife's chignon, and the baby, to a ha'p'orth
of roast chesnuts there will be no lack of teachers, then!

THE following paragraph suggests a difficulty for the supporters of
Women's Rights :-
Mrs. Esther Morris, justice of the peace in Iowa, has temporarily retired from the
bench to nurse her baby.
Supposing the justice's other-we dare not say "better "-half should
apply to her worship for a warrant against that blessed infant for a
disturbance of the peace," how would the learned lady act P Would
she be BRuTrs- we beg pardon, BRUTA, enough to bind over her own
offspring F And suppose the child should resist in arms! Would she
read the riot act and call out the military ? We don't know. And we
have the honesty-rare in newspapers-to admit that we don't I

1 456


tceBe't known to you
That much this ses-
sion you will have
to do.
(But, by the way,
although we bid

We don't expect that
you will get half
through it !)
We note with joy
the angry feuds
that rend
The continent incon-
tinent will end :
For we with all our
neighbour states at
Would gladly see
the strife of na-
tions cease,
And Commerce, Art,
and Harmony in-
We saw the coming
fh war with grief and
And interceded. But we spoke in vain.
America another envoy sends
With whom we my discuss, like hearty friends,
The question of the Alabama claim,
Whereon perchance we somewhat were to blame:
Then too we'll strive to calm with oil judiciary
The troubled waters of Canadian Fishery.
I next announce-with pleasure be it said-
Louies my, daughter will a subject wed
(To her no doubt you will present a dowry),
May the young couple's path be bright and flew'ry,
For she is of the roses of our shore ,
All cultivate-and he May-cull-'em-more!
My FAarru CoPmoes.
Go to your debates,
And give attention to the estimates.
Twice is he armed who has his quarrel just,"
But if he'd be thrice armed, perforce he must
Be fore-armed too against all fear of storm:
You'll find our Army greatly needs reform;
The Budget will explain all matters clearly,
Remember safety can't be bought too dearly :
For a good army and a fleet, three-decker,
You'll tip the Chancellor of the Exchequer.,
'Tie his to frame the Budget-yotrs to mend it;
You vote the money-he shows how to spend it.
You'll have some Bills
R efore you bought to treat of certain ills.
At Universities to bar the use
Of tests is one my Ministers produce;
The vote by ballot may your notice ask,
And suffrages to equalise will task
Your time and patience with some other themes,
Domestic questions, and great social schemes.
Which you will take intp consideration,
And do such work with Heaven's approbation
As shall most benefit and serve the nation.

A Fare Prospect.
THz gentleman, who kept his eye upon one small dog for the space
of several months, is about to try whether he cannot feed his imagina-
tion on an eight-volume edition of SHAXESPEAaE. When he has
grazed his elbows and knees on a flight of stone steps, he will be duly
qualified to become head of the Commissariat Department in Paris
in case of a continuance of the siege.

Famuanr 11, 1871.] 57

ACT I.-SCENE: Exterior of a Seaside Hotel. Enter RANDALL followed
RANDALL.-Here we are at Beachington.
BUCKTHORFE.-Now that you have got me here, what do you want
with me ?
RANDALL.-I ;Want you to make love to a young woman here, in
order to ascertain something which is not remarkably clear, about
somebody whose identity is not definitely made out, but who left some
money to a person to whom I will not more particularly refer, but
which money I (for reasons that I need not enter into) am entitled to.
BucK.-And if I refuse.
RANDALL.-I give you into custody on a charge of murdering some-
body (never mind who) although you only killed him in self-defence.
BUCK. (apologetically to audience).-I am under his thumb. (Aloud.)
Good. I consent. [Exit RANDALL.
B ucK.-It is one of the disadvantages of being under a man's thumb,
that you must always do what he wants you to do. If you don't, he's
annoyed, and then where are you ? (Enter EDITH TEMPLE.) Edith l
EDITH.-MT. Buckthorpe! This is a strange meeting!
BuCK.-Once I loved you, loved you blindly. But your papa be-
haved unkindly. And gave poor Reginald his conge. One evening in
the salle-a-manger.
(There is no earthly reason why young lovers should talk poetry to each
other and Cockney rhymes-in French don't count.)
EDITH.-Because he found you bad been tricking. And up your
heels you had been kicking. You often stopped out late at night, sir.
'Twas broken off and serve you right, sir.
BucK.-But I've repeated of it sore, And I won't do it any more,
To pardon me I pray you deign And let the match be on again
RANDALL.-Very good.
BuCK. (taken aback).-You should have hummed something as you
came in. But what do you mean by very good ?
RANDALI.--This is the young woman whose money you are to get
for me!
Enter BANGLES (an old Indian surgeon, marvelleasly made up and admir-
ably played by MR. UDEHTON) and Miss SPrTNN (as elderly maiden,
equally well made up and equally well played hy Mas MAGGaI
Miss SPINwr. -I'm getting up a picnic to the Clump Rooks this day
week. (To RANDALL). Will you go
RANDALL.-I will-so will Buckthorpe I
Buck.-No; I must leave for town to-day.
EDITH (Aside to BcxK).-Oh I Mr. Buckthorpe, plee to stay!
RANDALL.-If you go inform against yon for that murder which
you didn't commit.
BUCK. (Aside, with omSn irrtai),--Tti -I 3O1 a u under hiis thumb!
RANDALL.-Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buokthorpe will join your
(General delight of everybody at this concession- an the part ef a total
stranger, who is the companion of a most manifest and seedy swindler.)
ACT II.-SmENE : The Zanmp R ke-by the sea. Everybody discovered
picnic-ing, the luncheon beiy spread on two picturesque, but evidently
damp and sea-weedi rocks. .A general swell f anemones pervades, this
delightful spot, and =s the $roend is 'covered with small sharp roeks, tmd
all the party wear their shoes, thejoy is general. As the luncheon takes
place about half an hour before sunset in August-that is to say, about
eight o'clock p.m.-it may be presumed that the party ware some time
making up their mind to settle os this idliqhtful spot.
SOMEBODY.-As luncheon is finished, and as this agreeableretreat is
swamped by the tide twice day, and as the tide will be at its highest
in half an hour, perhaps we' better go.
Somour DYEL.-It can'tbe too damp for me-I like it squashy I
[Bat they all gom
Enter rS and SBucUcKoaPrP (s0ho have been overlooked, rather un-
i4dly, 4y the rest of the partv. RANDALL listens.
BUcK.-They've finished, and we're just to late. Oh, Edith, Edith,
you would wait!
If we 'could find a glass and plate, We'd lunch alone en

EDIrrH.-And will yom-always love me, dear ?
BUCK.-While this heart beats with life, I sweeri
EDITH.-But why do you with Randall chum P
BuCK.-Because I'm under Randall' s thumb!
EDITH.-But how?
BUCK.- Why, once upon a time
I killed a man-it was no crime I
I-killed him but in self-defence,--
Of that, I have no evidence.
He knows it, and he says that he
Will give me up to justice-mel-
If I refuse with him to chum.

LBOTH.- Ah mee Ij the weight of Randall's thumb !
[Exit EDITH, wOeping bitterly.
RANDALL.-You've blown upon me I
BECK.-I have. (He is not going to talk poetry to RANDALL.)
RANDALL.-I give you one more chance. Get me the information I
require by this evening and you are spared-refuse, and I give you up -
to justice I [Si*t.
Enter EDITH.
'EiiTH and BuCKTHORPE sit on the dampest and eat sea-weedy of the
twe spiky rooks. What are new dresses to her, or lavender trousers to
him ? The tide rises, phenomeaally, through three cracks i the yrosswd.
It creaks-but they don't care !
BUCK.-This is true happiness, my love, I vow-
I fear no kind of danger, Edith, now'!
Enter RANDALL in a beat.
RANDALL.-PIVe come to fetch you off!
BuCK.-We are quite safe-it's quite calm.
RANDALL (With awful intensity).-But there's a storm blrewing for
you. If you weat to escape it you must do as I tell you.
I 1TWeau ; BUCKTHORPE doing as RANDALL tells hint.
ACT III.-ScoENE: Same as Act I. BANGLES discovered. Eater EDITH.
EDITH.-I'm going to be married to Mr. Buckthorpe I
[Exit EDITH, all smiles and blushes and confusion.
BANGLEs.-Sir, I congratulate you.
BUOKTHORPE.-Stop-it is only right that you should know that I
am an adventurer. I am accused of a murder by Randall, who is a
forger-but I am innocent.
BANGLES (with military decision).-Edith shall mnaty no murder;
BANGLES.-Don't expostulate. I have always tade up-my mind that,
come -what might, Edith should not murder a marrinuer-I should say
marry a murderer.
BUCK.-But I am no murderer.
BANGLES.-I will satisfy myself on that point. Leve it to me. Go
away. [Exit BUCKTHOPIE.
BANGLES.-You charge Buckthorpe with murder.
BANGLES.-Then give him into custody, or I'll give you into custody
aa an accessory after the fact.
RaNDAL .-Confusion!
BANGLEs.-Write a note to the Superintendent of Police, saying that
a notorious criminal is stopping here. (RANDALL does so.) Now you
can go. [Exit RANDALL.
Enter BUCKTHORPr and everybody else.
BucKTroEa (Nmusing,).--This was committed on the 14th of August,
BAerE s.-Eh ?
BucK. (in a general way),-I killed this person-his name was
Peters, and he was a bagman-on the 14th if Auget, 18688
BANGLES.-Yoapitched him over Bauton CUffr
BAmwas.-Having run him tblrowh the uek P
BAnGLos.-Jast Aere. (Skawiy hiUs neck)

BANaLs.-Ancd hang it, sir, do you meoa to say I'm dead P
Bue .-You ? It was Peters!
BAITLs.-Pates be hanged. It was II
BBC-4-Joy !
Enter Plis.
PoMCE.-John Randan-arrest you-OWge of iaglVry.
RANDAIL (with decision).-I Tepeat, Confusion! (Tkey tae off his
svSganil Weiskers.)
JlucL-With oy I' almost trokenadumb,
Once more m free from d Jl' Thumb

OVasELVEs.-A very loosely consiracted and improbable play-the
end of the last act is almost farcical. However, the admirable
manner in which it was acted by Ms. Vau, Ma. BBLFORD, MR.
STEPHENS and Miss KATE BISHOP appeared to blind the audience to
the defects of the play, and indeed almost gave an air of probability to
the most farcical incidents. Miss BisHor is a charming ingenue, MIn.
RIGHTO m a tnoost valuable character-actor. MR. VEZIN's modesty and
self-denial in playing a second-rate part is an example that shouldteach
many pompous incapable a valuable lesson. Miss BUrTON and Mo.
ASTLEY gave full effect to two redundant parts. The scenery is
extremely pirtaresqle, and the new theatre is the prettiest and most
complete in London.


[FBnRVARY 11, 1871.



FTJN.-FEBRUARY 11, 1871.


SFsmsnvrtT 11, 1871.]

AT length is hushed the cannon's roar;
And white winged peace returns once more,
For wiser council now has sway,
A statesmen holds the reins to day.
Let fierce GAMBETTA loud declare
What he had done had he been there;
His be the praise who sought for peace
And bid the siege's terrors cease..
1. Fat mutton and rice
By the Turk are thought nice;
And to show you great favour suppose he shall wish
He will feed you himself with his hand from the dish.
2. This very queer worm-
If that's the right term-
Strange legends prevail of !
A strange kind of beast,
I can't in the least
Make out head or tail of.
S. Where the streams of the Dnieper,
Begin to grow deeper,
You'll find it, if into a map you're a peeper.
4. The man, who pokes
In other folks'
Affairs his nose
Will oft get blows,
That are not jokes.
5. On either side along the hall
Where brackets on the old oak wall,
Whereon wax tapers were displayed
And light as day the midnight made.
SoiuTrow or AcRosTic, No. 203.-Bombard, Assault:
Biretta, Obsequies, Metathesis, Burletta, Adieu, Rowel,
None received.,
Con.--Does not appear to have reached ns.

EainaL 's Bis-mark for starving Paris: Bis dat qui



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Up goes the Animal,
SBOM people are never satisfied. Here's one of them!
A few nights ago a labourer found a pbcket-book at Sheriff Hutton containing
100. He restored it at once, and was rewarded with-threepence !
That labourer ought to have known better than to grumble at the
money given him by the owner of the pocket-book. It is a penny'
more than the sum the donkey ought to have been expected to go
up to.


_77 --- 7-------7---

Mr. John, with great satisfaction :-"YES, YES! I HAVE A GOOD DEAL

PENDING the alteration of the programme at the St. James's,
MRS. JOHN WOOD has revived, to amuse her audience, the old
bagatelle of" Jenny Lind at Last." As in most other bygone burlesques
the allusions in "Jenny Lind "-though pointed and clever enough
at the time of production-have long since become blunted; and we
should think that few in the straggling audience on the night of our
visit recognized in MR. LIONEL BROUGH'S extraordinary character the
poet of our boyhood's days-immortal BUNN. Nothing but the
acting of the manageress and M. BOUG prevented the piece falling
as fat as its predecessor ; and of itself "Jenny Lind" is insufficient
to counterbalance the general dulness of the rest of the pro-
The ripple of laughter which pervades an audience' during the
representation of a well written comedy is undoubtedly a pleasing
sound to both manager and author. It is only when comedy holds
possession of the stage that this sound is heard, a sound differing
indeed from the loud guffaw attendant on the pantomimist's best efforts,
or the doubtful cachinnation which follows the utterance of burlesque
absurdity. This "ripple" can be heard to great advantage at the
new Court Theatre, during the performance of "Randall's Thumb"
(adapted by MR. W. S. GILBERT from a story in Tomn Hood's Comic
Annual), a piece quite up to the author's reputation. Good as is the
comedy, it is not, however, better than the acting, which is the very best
obtainable; and in the mouths of such thorough artists as MzsDAMEzs
FRANK MATTHEWS, RIGHTON and BELFORD, the sparkling dialogue re-
ceives every justice. The house is a fine specimen of the bijou theatre,
and is capitally fitted throughout. Where all is excellent it is hard to
pick out anything for special commendation, but we cannot pass over
the proscenium grotesques of MB. E. GURDRN DALZLEL, which are

[FEBRUARY 11, 1871.

I NEVER was a rapid man;
In fact it may be said
I take my time with any plan
That enters in my head.
I cultivate, perhaps, a taste
That never suited you;
I never do a thing in haste,
But-when I do-I do.
The little girl that I admire
Is like the damask rose;
Her Ma will probably enquire
If I shall soon propose.
Dear mother, let the matter drop;
I like to bill and coo.
I very rarely dare to "pop,"
But-when I do-I do.
I lent a fiver to a friend
(A brother, so to speak),
Who promised faithfully to send
My cash within a week.
I scorn to beg, I scorn to dun,
And lawyers I eschew;
I seldom summons anyone,
But-when I do-I do.
Whenever at my club I meet
I feel that it would be a treat
To knock the party down.
I only venture now and then
('Tis pity though 'tis true)
To black the eyes of other men;
But-when I do-I do.

In for a Pound.
WE cannot help thinking that MR LowE ought to
have sent us a few of his new sovereigns for notice.
The oversight may have arisen in the pressure ef busi-
ness consequent on the near approach of the meeting of
Parliament; andif so it is not too late for hih to rectify
the mistake. We are always glad to encourage merit,
and will insure for any of these works of art he may
send us an immediate circulation. We understand some
dissatisfaction with the coins hasbeen expressed. Parties
who don't like theirs may send them to us.

extremely clever, and which we hope will inaugurate a new era in the
style of theatrical ornamentation.
We have seen some conjuring in our time, and, thanks to the works
of retired prestidigitateurs and the clumsiness of some professors of
the art, know how a good many of the tricks are done. But our
knowledge avails us nothing with so dexterous a performer as
MONsIEUR HERMANN, who, without any apparatus, attired in evening
dress only, comes down among the audience and does the most
marvellous tricks in a manner that defies detection. We most strongly
recommend our readers to pay him an early visit at the Egyptian
Hall, and enjoy the intense pleasure of being thoroughly and com-
pletely deceived with their eyes open and all their wits about them.
Those who affect scenes in the circle, who admire wonderful
elephants, amazing mules, and comic circus clowns, and who have a
fancy for trapeze and bareback evolutions of an astonishing descrip-
tion, should by all means visit the Holborn Circus, where skilful
training, great courage, and unexampled coolness exhibit themselves
in a series of feats which excite the beholders' wonder, and stamp the
establishment as being the undoubted headquarters of equestrianism.

WE are sorry to learn from the columns of a contemporary that the
interest of our cannibal brethren in foreign parts are not being attended
to as they should be. A home missionary has recently stated that there
are only two missionaries to twenty thousand cannibals: at which rate
the latter would barely get a taste apiece. We trust that now we
have indicated the want a supply-will be instantly forthcoming. It
is terrible to think of the sufferings of these poor cannibals, thus
deprived of even the minor luxury which SIDNEY SMITH described-
cold missionary on the side-table.

Fnaxn~my 11, 1871.]


JusT at this season, worn down to a phantom, I'm
Night after night compelled at duty's call
To visit every new play and pantomime
Going a circuit of the theatres all;
Whereof reports in Don Juanic canto my M-
Use will here versify for great and small;
Though nowadays I fear this metre Byrony
More often suffers mangling than does irony.
At Covent Garden there's the legend old,
The Sleeping Beauty and the Spiteful Fairy,
With great attractions, new and manifold,
In scenery and dresses, rich or airy,
And realms of elfland all of gems and gold.
With comic business the effect to vary,
Whereat one laughs until one's sides are aching
To see the taking Paynes are so pains-taking.
At Drury Wantley's Dragon rules the roast!
Andlthere the VoxKszs be, who act so cleverly,
'Tis hanito say which of them pleases most;
And.then the scenery is done by BavanRY ;
And BLANCHARD writes the story (who can boast
HeIr written the best pantomimes that ever le-
Gitimate fun for little folks supplied)-
And there's good comic business too beside.
To Astley's next for pantomime we go,
Where Harlequin Tom Tiddlnmouse is seen
And Twelve Princesses dancing in a row
By way of ballet-while the Frog, I ween,
His hopper-atic airs is meant to show;
The transformation's one one of glittering sheen;
'Wherefore is Astley's not of charms bereft,
Although the spirit of the ring has left.
The Surrey has a pantomime as well,
Bight Mother Goose (how well the story we know I)
Wherein, that old young actor P. Rosmsan
-Divides applause with veteran BoLExo ;
In short the matter in a word to tell
The bird is cooked quite d la otferino;
I need but add by way of explanation
The goose will anser every expectation.
At the Victoria energetic Cave
With Nimble Nip his audience delighting,
Gives all the heartiest laugh the soul can crave
By acting, singing, posturing, and fighting
Better than some of whom our critics rave.
The pantomime is M). SOUTAR's writing,
And there's a patter song of Mn. LEIGH's,
To. add to other matters sure to please.
The Standard takes us to the famous cross,
The Cross of Banbury, and shows beside
Another cross twixtt Chanticleer and boss
Whereon the legend calls on us to ride
And see the dame who ne'er was at a. loss
For music, being so with bells supplied.
Here very gorgeous scenery you'll gaze on,
And silver Amazons look with amaze on!
The Grecian treats us' to the tale, of Herne
S2The Hunter, with the CNonUESTS' wondrous feats :
While the Britannia has to serve its turn
The Man with Mischief loaded; and one greets
At the East London The White Cat, to learn
Whose history was one of childhood's treats.
So there's a chronicle in brief set down.
Of all the pantomimes in London town!

"I SHAN'T live up here much longer," said Hi-EaRT DE WYNKYN to
his friend JONES when the' latter calleii twinspect H. DR.W W new
palatial suburban mansion in the N.W. district. "My feelings forth
porters engaged at our railway-station are too muci for me, and
I am getting thin with anxiety. I never miss one when I am entering
or emerging from a train without the moit dreadful surmises as to hisi
'fite; antdithough after much trouble and aint iaqniry I, ha&e
always found the poor fellow whom I sough?, the joy of recovery is
not equal to the horror of suspense- and -ITnst giveit up. I don't
know whyT'iftLbut, the- men engaged: oan the plate ,are always
calling out, Have us to kill-and I can aesur you hat"my heart
bleeds for them."

PARIS capitulates through famine. GAMBETTA says famine is
nonsense. He jests at scars who never," &c. = French generals
show tendency to suicide. General French policy has been of that
kind. = Prussians throwing supplies into Paris. Half a loaf is better
than shrapnel shell. = GAMBETTA says he will go on fighting-He'd
gamin-better not or he'll get .the gam-worst of it I = PROFESSOR
HUXLEY of the School Board gives his affidavit that a school is a
nuisance. We always thought it was-when we went to one. =
School Board quarreling about opening their proceedings with prayer.
Laborare est rare. When will they begin to work P t New sovereigns
issued with a drag-on. Quite right; we find our soverigns go too
fast. = British Medical Journal, on suicides, says women seldom do it
by cutting their throats. Of course not; if they did they wouldn't be
able to have that last word. = Intense excitement as to whether the
MARQUIS OF LORNE will be married in Highland dress. Waiting for
the Verdict-" Kilty or not Kilty." = Election of Clerk to London
School Board. CRoAD crowed over other competitors. = Capitulation
of Paris per FAVRE. Recapitulation of nonsense by GAmnaTTA. =
MR. AyTTOiv addressed his constituents. Constituents gave him a
dressing in return.

Too Faat.
THER appears to be a good deal in a name* in spite of what
SHAKESPrARE said. At least we can't help concluding as much from
this case :-
Sprightly, paddle wheel steam-vessel, Staff-Commander P. Going, had another
narrow escape yesterdayweek, and the Hants Telegraphanys.-" narrowly escaped
being sunk in Portsmouth. Harbour. She had been to Spithead as usual with de-
spatches, and was returning into harbour with the flood tide at great speed, when
she ran close up to the' floating bridge, which was making its passage across the
harbour at the time, and by a very narrow shave was a collision avoided."
Evidently the Sprightly was too sprightly and used too much despatch
even for a despatch boat, and her commander was decidedly Go.No

Passing Strange.
THn Bvening Courant which is the organ of culture and gentility in
the Modern Athens contains azr advertisement that reminds us of the
mystery of the pig-faced lady:-
LOST, on Saturday last, a Brown Silk Lady's Umbrella (quite new), with name
on handle.-Finder will be Rewarded on bringing it to Walker Street.
Walker-street is we understand a fashionable locality where we might
fairly expect to meet a lady with a handle to her name, or a name to a
handle; but we confess that even there we should hardly hope to see
such a lasus nature as a brown silk lady." We trust the advertise-
ment will meet the eye of BARNUM whose Museum will be incomplete
without this extraordinary phenomenon!

A Reason.
YoUNG BRowN when out dining was asked to take pork,
And though he was a truth-telling child.
He could not but say, as he played with his fork,
"If it's ro-ist, ma'am, I can't; for I'm biled."

AWe cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are aocom.
pamied'by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselv'
respauible Jor loss.3
OLD NICK.-When with Augusta you rhyme buster," to ns you
prove yourself "disguster."
A RISING WIT.-You had better stop rising, because the fall will be
so painful.
DUNSTA .-It was so cruel of you to say herewith enclose poetry"-
it wasn't even verse-much less prose. Don't you do it again.
W. C. (Aberdeen).-Evidently can't see a double meaning.
SQUIB.-A very poor fizzle.
R. (Fitzroy-street).-Your" attempts after the style of Artemus Ward"
are confined to bad spelling only; and most people can spell badly without
any effort.
M. (Uueen's County).-We do not return MSS. unless the senders
,comply with. our regulations.
Declined with thanks :-R. M. W., Leamington; Pim ; B. B.; G. 8.,
Edinburgh; E. C., Plymouth: Nik, Wolverhampton; Medicus; G. H.P.,
Southampton; J. Butler; F. T. H., Kingstown; W. W. D., Blandford;
R. H. H., Craven-street; E. H., Peazanoe; B. W.W.., Dublin Subscriber;
C. D., Torrington-square; Scotsman; G. A. D., Lttlehampton; G. I.,
Holloway-road; W. T. 0., Old Kent-road; E. H., Liverpool; J. E.,
Barnsbury; Mrs. Henerow; Toodles; J. R., Ashford; L. M., sorrow;
B. P.,, Cambridge; L., Colchester; Barnsbury; W. T. H., Kennington;
Hystericus; E. A., India Office; W. F. C., Fulham, D., Melton Bowling.


[FEBRUARY 11, 1870.

tr~ \i I'
; ~i-~
I ~ ~
I ii ~

I ~

' Rieh Maiden Lady :-" WELL, MAY, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING 80 HA1D AT ME ?"
May:-" WHY MA IS ALWAYS SAYING YOU HAVE TWO FACES." on ternation of Mamma.

Spare Moments is a"periodical which might'well be spared. "Un-:
professional lovers of literature," to quote the preface, would "turn
that relaxation to good account" by abstaining from rushing into.
print, until they have by study and practice got a step or so on the
way to the "high standard at which they profess to aim. Children
who have barely learnt their A. B. C. should not be encouraged to
write three volume novels or epic poems.
The Professor's .Poket Book (RUDAIL, Rosa, CARTE AND Co.,.Charing
Cross) will be found an excellent vade mecum not only by professional
musicians, but by amateurs. The name of M. BENEDICT as editor is
sufficient guarantee of merit..
IIN the Cornhill the two stories Harry Richmond" and "Lord
Kilgobbin" are continued with increasing interest, and the other
articles are thoroughly readable, especially the paper on the eclipse.
In Belgravia MR. SALA's Prussians in Paris is the gem, but the
general contents are quite up to the mar,in'aking a good number.
"Poetry and Prose however is notably bad even for magazine verse.
MR. MORLTIMn COLLiNS 'gives us a paper on LANDOR which is readable.

He says "poets ought to live to'a hundred 'at least, but 'the p'oetasters
should be put to depth in their teens: "-is this a literary suicide ?
JOHNNY LUDLOW gives us a capital, story in the Argoy, in which
we may also note aniimprovement in the art department. '
MR. RIMMEL as usual provides for the Feast of St. Valentine with
an assortment of novelties, among which we may especially mention
the ingenious application of 'the postal card and telegram to the
requirements of the season.

A. Winter's'Tale. '
WE note with pleasure that MR. FROST hias ,been reCeived into the
ranks of -the Royal Academicians-" Now is the winter "-to quote
SAKBsPEARE--"made glorious."

NOTICE.-Next week, price OPe Penny,
Profusely Illustrated ~y the best Arti sa.


(Late HANCOCK and COMPANY,' Limited) introducer of the celebrated
From 30 to 50 per cent. less than handmade, aud more-perfect.
The New Illustrated Catalogue, bound in cleth, Free for Two Stamps.
Printed by JUDD & Co., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprletbr), at so0, Fleet-Street, BC.-London; Feb. 11, 1871.


i'BuuArY 18, 1871.J FUN. 65


Thus it happened that tender attachment had sprung up between So De Winkle hated his grocer-for he owed him Thus, when Bimma asked his
De Winkle's grocer and De W.'s aunt. money and dared not to interfere, consent to the unnlp,

IsWs-W WK.' I -- low
I will send it to Bimms." Which he did-and it contained a 100 note. Then Bimms produced it, claim d his bride And Be W. had a dreadful night-
and was happy. De W. wasn't, mare as he deserved.



66 E, TU N '. [FEBRUARY 18, 1871.

"You know I'm the boy of your heart,
--Though sneaks -there be many to tell us,
Our love is now destined to part:
L I r G IBLP It's only because they are jealous!
tR Because I won't bully, and brawl,
to FR MARIAGE Nor in others' affairs interlope, A
Coward! A Coward I' they bawl,"
AR~VE D AT Says John Bull to his dear Dame Europa.
HISI50 AV'EAR ",When one's pluckhas been proved-ashas mine-
I --YEAR MBy giving his foemen their gruel,
BEY He can quite well afford to decline
To be made to take part in a duel.
SAaCT Io N But when it's his duty to fight,
of the With odds he is ready to cope-a
Question of Right against Might!"
BOARD D. Says John Bull to his dear Dame Europa.
"The man, who knows best how to box,
Is a peaceable man, to a moral;
It's not that he fears the hard knocks-
But he-if he begins-ends a quarrel.
He smiles if you call him too slow,
eI But he gives to his foe enough rope-a
Gift, whose result we all know!"
Says John Bull to his dear Dame Europa.
"There are lads in my form, who (for shame 1)
I---If they thought it would pay for their party,
WeWould drag through the mud our good name;
SBut for such my contempt is most hearty.
Their honour has reached a poor pass
Who by means so disgraceful would grope a
a Back-way to the top of the class! "
Says John Bull to his dear Dame Europa.
"Let them talk as they will, my brave John;
SpI know better yogir courage and virtue,
And I don't think the boys will get on
SIn my graces, who thus seek to hurt you.
To establish with me they'll find hard,
THE PILL-GRIM OF LOVE; oIThough I gave them the uttermost scope, a
Place next to yours in regard!
Or, The Thion-" Bank-o's ghost" of a chance for the fair sex. To John Bull answered dear Dame Europa.

gjIt E. )aes Ma. MONSELL Postmaster General. Don't envy him on the 14th
instant, if he does his duty! = Dewsbury Spinner quarrels with his
IT is a very painful task to add another beloved name to the brother end throws himself first into a rage and then into a milldam.
already too large obituary which records the losses this paper He won't have another opportunity of quarrelling. = The Aseerees
and those connected with it have sustained. MR. ROBaRnTson having captured Hodeida threaten to take Mocha. We trust they
was for a long time-until indeed his well-deservedsuccess as will get their Mocha hot. = Man at Southport attempted suicide, but
a dramatist left him no time to devote to periodical literature- as he walked out again when the water was up to his waist, he only
a regular contributor to these columns. The fame of his met with middling success. = Child near Bolton strikes at cat with
comedies has eclipsed to some extent the reputation he won by poker, on the point of which she falls with fatal effect. Children
the clever magazine-work in which he was at first engaged. should not strike at cats with pokers, clearly. = French committee of
But the founder of our modern school of comedy can afford to National Defence become mutually offensive.
let the minor renown pass; his claims on the love and grati-
tude of the public require no augmentation.
When we consider how poor and trite our language is, we Prime Regalias.
scarcely dare to try and put words to the grief which we his It is one of the charms of JOHN BULL's character that he is not to be
friends feel at the death of one we all loved, and were so proud beaten! The Parisians during the siege have been feasting on peculiar
of. We had watched his courageous struggle in the old days, dishes, but the paupers at Newington Workhouse have excelled them
had rejoiced in his triumphs, and were aware of the un- in the strangeness of their banquet, if we may credit a report of it
developed powers, which had he been spared a few years which appeared in a local journal:-
longer would have won him a yet higher osietion asi a The inmates were then regaled with ale, cake, snuff, tobacco, fruit, and sweets,
dramatist, and we have known the long and severe suffering which had been defrayed by private subscription. The guardians and many of the
from which he has been released. He goes to his grave visitors, which included a considerable number of ladies, then adjourned to the
regretted by the public at large; but loved and lamented by board-room, where a very excellent cold collation was provided.
his private friends with a depth and intensity it would be idle We cannot but think the guardians and the visitors-especially the
to attempt to utter, be-which-ing ones-displayed a want of enterprise in not "collating"
___ ,off the olla podrida of ale, cake, snuff, tobacco, fruit, and sweets,
As Broad as it's Long. whereon the inmates had been regaled.
IN Chicago the omnibus-drivers make a difference of one cent
between fat and lean people as passengers. This is es-cent-ially an A Medley and a Muddley.
injustice, because if the fat take up more than their share of room, Ir a certain peer, belonging to the Bedford family, were to take to
the lean take up less, and so the evil would cure itself like streaky "trimming," of what kind would it be? It would B-russel's lace.
bacon. Strictly, the medium folk should pay full fare, the lean ones [We don't apologize for this outrage,-in fact we haven't time. We
get a cent drawback and the stout pay a cent in excess. Them's our have annihilated its perpetrator, and in consequence an active and
cent-iments. intelligent-if too prompt-police is on our track.]

SFBBuAvY 18, 1871.]


CAuDIoLOGY,n.-Te science which treats of the heart." When the science is practised on the 14th of February it usually takes the form
of Postal Cardiology.

WITH loud rat-tap, the busy chip
At every door begins to rap;
And what with these and what with this
He has enough to do, I wis!
1. Cobbler, cobbler, mend a shoe;
I send an old worn boot to you,
And trust that you'll know what to do.
2. Thus while you fight to win the lady, a
Wag says you're natives of Arcadia.
To BIBo.
3. Men say that drink is your delight,
But you with these wet appetite.
4. Fine feathers do not-take my word-
Make, if not borne well, a fine bird.
5. Come o'er the sea, Cockney, with me,-
Oh, but how very unwell you will be!
6. The deeper you the Thespian horrors quaff,
Tne more (I grieve to say) the people laugh!
7. Come let us wander in your mind,
A region pleasant though confined.
8. Your burning passion proves that Beauty's smile,
Like some commercial spirit, may strike ile."

9. You pray with an "a,"when you've preyed with an "e,"
So a very great ruler 'tis right you should be.
10. When with your corps I saw you, at inspections,
Your goose-step walked into my young affections.
SOLUTION OF ACRoSTic No. 204. Reform, Armies:-Razzia, Ear,
Firm, Ocki, Reverse, Manducus.
*,* In reply to several correspondents we beg to state that" elderlteh was
merely a misprint for eldritchh "; but that several solutions accidentally placed on
a wrong file were overlooked till too late.

A Canon of many Tons.
A COUNTRY paper mentions that the incumbent of Weston'Lulling-
field has requested his Bishop to excommunicate one of his parishioners
with the lesser excommunication:-
For being drunk for several consecutive days according to Canon 109.
This Canon would seem to be-we beg to apologise to Ma. BADEN
PRITCHARD and Woolwich arsenal generally-a very incorrect FIASBR
gun. A canon law that enjoins drunkenness for several consecutive
days ought to be discharged and not let off at all.

Buy and Buy, is easel-ly said."
IF we are to believe this statement, picture-dealing still progresses
in spite of the siege of Paris:-
M. Meissonier, who is in Paris, has just sold to an amateur of that city his great
picture of 1807, for 200,000 francs (8,000). It is as yet unf'.'shed.
It appears that there is one French painter at *,ast who has not ex.
changed his pencil for a brush with the Prussians.




A "Follet" for the Fourteenth of, February.

[FBnnuAur 18, 1871.


WILL you kindly excuse me for giving
Advice to the juvenile bard,
Who attempts to get fame and a living
By driving his quill pretty hard P
If his reader gets wearied or dozy
The cause is as clear as the day;.
Even poets grow dreadfully prOsy
When poets have nothing to say.
You may rival the ring and the metre
Of SBELLEY or P6F, at their best,
And your lyre may tb softer and sweeter
Than COLt EIDGU or ]irTS have poiB8et.
You may work till your eyes become weary
At polishing r lay 1
But the best of 0 lo0ms are dreary
When poets hav. nothing to say.
Little matters the tale or the topic.
Some topic or tale must be theip;
Be impassioned, austere, misanthropic,
Or jauntily devil-may-care. '
You can show off your style and your bree4ipg-
Both ex,:ellent things i their Way;
But all poets ara ponderous' reading
When p:o.ts have nothing to say.
Pen the praises of Night and her stillness,
The moon and the stars and the sky ; -
Give a hint that you suffer from illness,
Folks revel ini rhymers who die.
But your sentiqient palls in a minute,
However sublime the display;
People only ask What is there in it P "
When poets have nothing to say.
Little bards, be obliged for my lecture,
And buy my last book for your shelae.,
Though, to tell you the truth, I conj et4pe
I row in the boat with yourselves.
If my Pegasus bolts like a filly,
And carries its rider astray,
You in turn may say verses are silly "
When poets have nothing to say.

PBE&AB.--I have loved three times-madly-maniacally loved.
My constitutional timidity has in each case prevented a verbal declara-
tion of my sentiments, and confined them to the unsatisfactory me.
dium of the post-office. Preferring to hide these amatory outpourings
under the veil of the anonymous, I have hitherto selected the four-
teenth of February as the most propitious day for their indulgence.
With what success the reader shall determine.
MAIA was amiable, accomplished, lovely, and nineteen. Her sole
surviving parent was the widow of an officer distinguished by his
prowess in garrison duty. I respected the mother while I idolised the
daughter. Often as I determined on declaring my passion, so often
did my passion prove beyond the power of speech.
I bought my love a Valentine, elegantly embossed and abounding in
Cupids. The verses were more admirable than I should have con-
ceived a modern poet capable of writing. This graceful missive I
despatched by post.
But, by an error fatal to my hopes, I had forgotten to put a stamp on the
envelope ?
On my next visit I was coldly received. The angel's mother in-
formed me, during a private interview, that she could never sacrifice
her darling's future to a person whose avarice descended so low as a
penny sterling. MARIA, my heart was broken!
I LOVEDn again, and CLARA was perfection. She had a father in com-
merce, no mother, and money of her own. My attachment was of a
nature which beggars description. It ultimately assumed the shape of
a Valentine. Beautiful as I had thought my former offering at the
shrine of MARIA, this tribute of my undying affection for CLARA Bsr-
passed it in loveliness. Consigning it carefully to a large envelope I
affixed a postage stamp with great care.
TAs fatal missive never arrived at its destination !
On questioning the domestics at the house of my charmer I dis-

covered that the postman had rigidly demanded a payment of twopence
in consideration of extra weight. This paltry sum was refused by
CLARA's father.
Could-I ally myself with the family of a sordid miser, whose
mercenary nature could make so much of twopence? I retired in
disgust. CLARA, my heart was broken!
Once more the arrow of the rosy god perforated my bosom, and I
adored FANNY. Both ]her parents were living, and kept a genial though
unassuming tea-table.
I dared not breathe my*passion in words, but resorted on a certain
day in February to the novel expedient of a Valentine. It was a thing
to dream of, a thing of bright imaginings. I procured an envelope
worthy of such a treasure, and affixed in a corner two stamps. There
should be no mistake this time, I said.
That Valentine sealed my bitter fate !
FANNY's parents declared shortly afterwards that they could receive
no more visits from a spendthrift so reckless as to throw money away
by wasting twopence on a letter considerably under half an ounce in
weight. FANNY, my heart was broken!
I shall perhaps love again. In that case I am resolved on forward-
ing my sentiments by the new postal card.

An Epidemic.
ALTHOvGH we have occasionally had to find fault with the Police-
more especially the Metropolitan Division-we cannot allow to pass
without protest the evidences (according to a report in a Sunday
paper) or an unhealthy tendency on the part of the public to assault
the constabulary:-
From Worship-street four men who had violently assaulted a policeman were
committed for trial on a charge of attempting to murder.
At Clerkenwell a lodging-house keeper was summoned for not giving notice to
the police that one of the inmates was suffering fromin the same terrible malady.
We trust measures will be taken to stamp out the diseasb.


(FzBnuARY is, 1871.

1. J***a, medical student, scorns the conventional Valentine, but sends an elaborate 3. The Postal Cardal Valentine.
representation of the condition of his heart, with some intestines-at which he is 4. B n, of Her Majesty's Foolscap Department, has devoted his last week to
rather ood. Frantic endeavours to discover rhymes to bliss," dove," &o.
2. We trust we are not betraying the confidence reposed in us in giving the 5. Miss Blank, that champion of Woman's Rights, receives a Valentine of an
exterior of the Valentine sent by a personage whom we will not name, to another amatory nature. Awful result.
whom we would rather die than mention. 6. The Pilgrim of Love.


IF U N .-FEBRUARY 18, 1871.




I L1

-1 jo

FEBRUARY 18, 1871.] 1 JIN. 73


ACT I.-SosEN : Riverdale House, Twickenham. SIa PHILIP
COURTENAY and M.AioR PEARsoN discovered playing billiards.
SIR PHILIP.-The action of :the first act act ia anterior to the date of
the Crimean war, when the infantry were not allowed to grow mous-
tachios. Bat I wear a pair because I am a baronet.
M&oa PEnaoN.-I wear a moustache and beard-but then (as my
forage cap will show when I'm out in the Crimea in the third act) I
am an officer of yeomanry cavalry, and in the yeomanry regulations
are not strictly enforced.
SI PHILIPr.-I love Janet Trefel, the lighthouse-keeper's daughter.
Enter LADY COURTBNAY (SIR PHILIP's mother), and a comic house-agent.
LADY COURTENAY.-I want to go to the seaside I
CoMIC HovUE-AGENT.-You shall!
ACT II.-SCENE, Interior of a Coastguard Cottage, Cornwall.
Enter MAY PoLDEN, JANET TEtPiL, and ToM POLDEN, a' coast-guard.
Tom PoLDEN.-Marry, 'tis a gruesome night, and the devil will
work his worst round Deadman's Point to-night. The Curlew isin the
offing, labouring heavily.
JANET.-The Curlew And Sir Philip is on board Let me go and
save him!
ToM.-I'll run down to the beach and bear a hand-the gale rages
furiously I
(Goes down to the beach in a very broad-brimmed tarpaulin hat, which is
parched on his back hair-the very hat of all others for a gale of wind.)
([(it with MARY POLDEN.
Enter STEVE HARGAR, a guttural person, with rolling eyes, flashing teeth,
end eyebrows like doortnats.
STEVE (to Janet).-Now, pretty one, [ have thee alone (he gasps).
Nay, 'tis useless to resist (he guggles).
JANET.-Unhand me, ruffian!
STEVE.-Never! (he chokes).
Enter MAnY.
MARY.-Unhand her, monster!
(There is something in MARY's eye that quells even this outrageous,
scoundrel, and he slinks away abashed. But we do not see why one of
JANET'S eyes should not have had the same effect.)
SCENE 2: .eadmdn's Point.
The sea is raging tempestuously, and the demons of the storm are seen in
the act of shaking it violently at the wings. Clouds of dust arise-the
heavens are full of phenomena. The moon' shines luridly, and the air is
filled with flotks of transparent kidneys-fiery volcanoes spurt from the
sea. It is indeed an awful and unusual night. Presently, SIm PHILIP
is seen battling with the waves. He appears to be bound, stomach down-
wards, to an eccentric wheel, which revolves violently. The sea ts tied
tightly round his throat, and the irresistible machinery by which he is
worked carries the ocean along with him. Being a baronet, he is dressed
in a flowing garb of blue muslin. This has a very pretty and natural
effect, and amuses the audience very much. Then' comes JANET. She
leans over a rock and hands him on to dry ground. All laugh.
[An interval of half an hour, to enable Sm PHILIP to recover from the
effects of his eccentric wheel.]
ACT III.-Exterior of Coastguard Cottage.
Enter MARTIN GURDER (a soldier of the 95th), and MARY POLDEN.
MARTIN.-The date of this piece is 1864-that is why I wear a tunic
(single-breasted, date 1859) and an artilleryman's forage cap. But
where is my love, Janet ?
MAY.- She has run away with Sir Philip-and perhaps is married
to him.
MARTmn.-If he has deceived her I'll shoot him !
SCENE 2: Zwan Kelly.-The Fallen Cave. JANET and Si PHILIP dis-
covered making love, MARTIN listening, unperceived, in an uncomfortable
attitude, and in an ungentlemanly manner.
San PHILIP.-Janet, I love you !
JANET.-My sweet pet!
SmI PHILIP.-My dear love!
Enter MAooR PEARsoN.
MAJon PEARSON (significantly).-Come (He'goes.)
MARTIN.-If he has deceived her I'll kill him!
ACT IV.-ScEN : In the Crimea-dead bodies about. Enter an obtru-
sive scene-painter. (We thought we had stopped this sort of thing.)
S[e bows and retires with mingledfeelings.
MARTIN GURDEa (desperately wounded) revives.
MARTIm.-There is Sir Philip also desperately wounded-I will kil

him I (Is about to do so, when enter a Russian, who prepares to stab SIa
PHILIP.) Ha I an enemy I (8/oots the Russian.) I have saved my
adversary's life!
Enter MARY and JANET as nurses.
MARY (goes to MARTiN),-Why, it's Martin 1
JANET (goes to SIR PHILIP).-Why it's Sir Philip! (Trasports.)
ACT V.-SCENs : Pass of the Crnam Dh.
Enter STEVE and an Idiot.
SrEVE.-You say that the lighthouse-keeper has gold in the light.
house I
IDIOT.-I do!-I've seen it!
STEVE.-Good! (He rolls his eyes). You saythat he is in tHe habit
of leaving the lighthouse (in defiance of all regulations) to t 'bare of
Mary and Janet.
IDIOT.-I do !-I've seen 'em!
STEvs.-Then we will go and rob him of his go-o-o-o-ould I (He
works his eyebrows.)
SCENE 2: A room.
Enter MaxY and JANET-then LADY COOvTENAV.
LADY CouaTEsNA.-Woman, who are you P
JANET.-I am your son's wife.
LADY COURTENAY.-But you should not have married him-he is
above you in rank.
JANET.-True, but I loved him.
LADY COURTENAY.-Oh, I understand. Then come to my arms.
My daughter! (They embrace.)
Scene the Last. Half a, lighthouse, presenting sectional view, and showing
two apartments, one over the other. MARY and JANET in upper half.
Enter from a boat, STEVE and Idiot. TAey descend into lower apart.
ment, to rob the misser of his go-o-o-o-ould.
JANET AND MARY.-WO will escape by the boat and leave them
here to starve! (But the boat has drifted of,-very careless of STEVE.)
JANET.-Happily there is another boat always alongside the
lighthouse! (But what would happen to this other boat always alongside
the lighthouse, if a storm arose ?)
MARY.-Ha! That boat has drifted away, also I (Very careless of
the lighithouse-keeper. STEVE and Idiot chevy the two ladies round and
round the rook at base of lighthouse.)
STEVE.-Curses! (Hegnashes his teeth, rolls his eyeballs, works his
eyebrows, scowls, glares, and tears his hair, for he is in a fix.)
Enter MARTIN GUDBER, and SmI PHILIP in a boat.
MARY AND JANET.-Saved I Saved I Saved!
OUR5BLVEs.-A very amusing little skit on the absurdities of the
Modern Sensation Drama. The piece would have been perfectly
successful if some of the audience had not persisted in looking at the
burlesque situations from a serious point of view. Mip FURTADO and
Mas. BILLINGTON played their parts with a mock-heroic carlesatnss
which proved that both actresses thoroughly understood that the
essence of true burlesque acting consists in an apparent belief in the
sapience of inflated dialogue and extravagant "situations." MB.
BURNAND has been ably seconded by Ma. LLOYD, "the scenic artist,
who thoroughly entered into the spirit of the thing. His Comic
Storm at Sea is an admirable caricature. The management, imbued,
no doubt, with some of Ma. BuawAND's infectious drollery, revived
the system of box-keeping brigandage, which has long been in abey-
ance at this house, and succeeded in taking the audience completely by
surprise. They seemed to enjoy the joke very much. Altogether,
the burlesque is undoubtedly MB. BURNAND's best.

A Strange Complaint.
THE Chemist and Druggist quotes from a paper recently read at a
homeopathic meeting at Liverpool the following remarks:-
We are frequently applied to by chemists for tubes, corks, labels, and unmedi-
cated pilules, but without medicines; and, although we refuse to supply the
unmedicated pilules, confectionary houses are now manufaoturipg them and selling
them to chemists on a large scale.
We do not.see that the homceopathic brotherhood have any right to
complain of this. It is only carrying out their original precept that
"like cures like." The unmedicated pilules are of course more useful
than the regular medicinal globules in curing that very large class of
invalids who have really nothing the matter with them. Candidly
speaking, we incline to believe that 'the unmedicated are quite as
effective as the medicated pilules-and rather nicer. We miust add,
however, that our only experience of a thorough and persistent trial of
the homeopathic system was in the case of a Chelsea -pensioner who
has been taking sawdust pilules for many yeats In the hope of curing
himself of a wooden leg-but as yet, we mnust adnt, without any
perceptible effect.

7 F N [FBA 18, 1871.


Buyl Bayl Buy
Dearest, my
Heart, and make it thin'.
Cupid, I
Love you, Valentine

Like an "oveing"
I am loving.
Loavely lady mine.
Be the taker
Of a Baker
For your Valentin'.

Be not chilling
And unwilling
To a bob so fine-
Skv a copper"
'Tie not proper,.
Faithless Valentina

Let's in hovel
Live a novel-
You for here-ine,
Is my nature,
A la Valentine!

Do you doat
On scarlet coat,
Military shine
A son of Mars
Who jests at sears
Take for Valentine.

An artist II
Do not fly
From me, maid divine
As fair I ain't
As I can paint,
Yet take me, Valentine

I se-wearr it by
Yon Ashyer Ske-ey
Though bound to Drama's shrine,
It is a fact
I cannot act-
False to my Valentine.

Hymen's torch,
Spire and porch,
In the old world line.;
Wigs prodigious,
Bonnet-hidgeous !
Old style Valentine.

Although I do
Wear livery, you
To fate, ma'm, must resign.
A Calve-inist
You can't resist,
So be my Valentine.

FEBRUARY 18, 1871. F U N 75


IAY, 0 green gusling goslings,
do you feel disposed to come
and be crammed with our sage
stuffing F Say, 0 improper
ganders, will you have our
propaganda P Say, 0 ducks,
de-licious little ducks, can you
duckline our seasoning P Say,
oh ye pretty small -footed
donkeys won't you digest our
pointe thistles P Let us, 0
blockheads, cut you to the
quick (if you've got one) with
the double-toothed saws of
knowingness: 0 green blades,
permit us to mot you. Say,
0 bores, shall our pearls be
cast before you to no purpose F
Say, 0 swaggering stoopid
\\ big babes and cigar-sucklings,
shall our bells jingle their
Proverbial Foolosophy for you in vain? No, we rather imagine not.
We know that the words of wisdom nowadays are generally looked
upon as a nuisance, a feahful bawah! PLAro's sayings you call
platotudes; Scissaro makes You want. .. "to cut it"; P4usA.NAs
can't make any ass pause I BauyfxRE puts you into a mental brouillard,
and you think he isn't half as much the cheese as grnyrbe; you like
LAnB in any other form but CHARLEs; you leave your LOCKE
unopened; you don't care to save your BAcoR; TUPPER Isn't tupper-
most in your thoughts; Horace to you is unint-Horace-ting, unless at
Ascott or Donkeystir: you can't bear moral songs, much less Suffer-
glees-poor old Sophocles, and, agilis viridisque senectus, PADDYs
GREEN! If any one recommend you to Goethe entire animal with the
most Schillerbrated Germans, or SHAKESPEARE, you only answer
" on cher, Shakespeare ds d'enui : you think more of your whiskers
than your wits, more of your boots than your brains, you won't have a
Bunyan if you can help it; tho' Young, your "Night Thoughts" are
really ...... well. not worth much; you affect venal Jews
more than Juvenal; quite Brlwerser Loan LYTTro by skipping every
word but the story in his books; pass Vi(r)gils and fasts ... over,
and consume the midnight oil on the sole condition that it be intimately
blended with vinegar, mustard, lobsters, &c., &c., &c., et cetera.
Why is this, 0 gobe-mouhes ? Why, 0 why is it thus ? It is
because everything the axiomatic swells, ancient and modern, say, is
too heavily put; because all their proverbs are solemn 'uns; because
they don't amuse you; because they are too dry for your palate;
because they're a pack of old duffers, eh of course! Therefore we
are going to sage-stuff you more lightly, more erummyly, more
"Burlo-dramaticcally," and more easily for you to take in; but, as
we know we too might lead you to the undiluted water and not make
you drink, we are going to try the effect of putting a little spirit in
this same water, a little spice in it, a knob or two of sugar, a sheie of
lemon or so, and something else besides, of an everfizzing character, to
make it sparkle, and tempt you to imbibe it, 0 Gander, with gooseto.
Besides laying our own eggaperience before you, we shall also
omeletau fnesher5esify the eggsperience of others, and when our sage
stuffing" rebukes you, we hope its effect will be to make some of you
pull up the green blinds of unwisdom which so many of you will keep
carefully drawn down, as if. . common sense lay dead within
you I
We shall watch to see if you improve: we know you, 0 Goslings;
as we meet you every day in the Row, at the club, at the play; we sit
next you on the same coaches, dine at the same houses, drink sherry
with you at PooLB's, stop at the same places, sail in the same yots,

.stalk the same dears, hunt the same game, flirt with the same women,
for the spirit of FUN is-everywhere,
"A chie's amang ye takin' notes,
An' faith he'll prert it,"
but don't, please do not be angry; remember-it's only written in

-- -" ^- "
READER, dear reader, we are about to commence pessimisticising and
sage-stuffing you; we are about to give you a sharp sauce, which is
equally sauce for the goose and sauce for the gander-of our own
manufacture; you may perhaps-it is not impossible-now and then
find us using the ingredients of others as our own, but remember, if
you should, that we only so use them as our hone to sharpen our dull
edge or blunt point upon them; if you are already sage (you may be,
'que scais-je ?) you can, and most probably will, quote our sagejest-
sions to your less wise friends and acquaintance. .. as your own;
but, if you are not, as we are about with our Proverbial Foolosophy to
out-TurPER TurraP, it will be your own fault if you find us like the un-
happy man whose writings, alas I were said to be eternal as . .
he wrote to no end! Having thus told you what we are going to do,
we are now going to do it: permit us to offer you our

-_ It

O wad some power the giftle gie us,
To see oursel's as others see us I "
You ought, dear boy, to be exceedingly thankful, for the sake of
your own peace of mind, that this is impossible; and impossible it is,
as . .... you'd have to get behind your own back to do it I!
Know thyself, says the sage; quite so; Ha, ha, by all means know
thyself, but-tell it not in Bath, publish it not in the streets of
Brighton-don't, pray don't, let anybody else know-what you
The difference between "a good man" and "a good feller" is
simply enormous. The difference between "a good woman" and a
good-looking one, is even more stupendous.
Permit us to tell you what is your duty to your neighbour. It
is- -to-to-mind your own business.
We are very much afraid, could MEPHISTOPHELES only walk about
London, A.D. 1871, offering a good many of us elderly parties the
same bargain he offered DR. FAUsTUS, that there would incontinently
be a- very sensible in-crease in the number of youthful Burlington
Arcadians, and a corresponding de-crease in the number of padded,
bewigged old bores, one is now accustomed to see about town I

S76 F JN. [ Ay 18, 1871.

No. 7.-" THE LION IN Lov."
Instances have been known of Lions displaying a strong attachment for men, as in the well-known story of Androcles.'-Natural History. -But
as old Daubeny was not again heard of, it seems likely that in his case the lion's affection was of the nature of a devouring passion.

St. -Paur's is very good this month. The only thing we do not like
in it is the sentiment of Ma. DOBELL'S lines to the Tiber on the recent
inundation: it seems so like rejoicing over the poor people's calamity.
Good Words for the Young is a thorough treat. We cannot but
regret that Distant Relations was not prolonged for another number
or so. Does anybody know what "mooching" is ? If not let him
consult MR. CAMDEN.
Good Words contains an admirable illustration belonging to the
instalment of the Laureate's love songs. The literary contents are, as
usual, sound and excellent, and include a most interesting paper by
PitorissoR HUXLEY.
The Illustrated Jleview, a fortnightly critical magazine, contains
besides other cuts an admirable portrait of Mn. RUBKIs. Its literary
department seems ably conducted, and we trust it will be a success.
Such a publication is much needed.
The .Food Journal contains two specially noteworthy papers this
month, one upon adulterated port, the other on trichinatous pork.
The Sunday Magazine gives an unusually interesting number this
month so good that the "-City Man" hardly keeps his accus-
tomed foremost place. The pictures are also, if possible, better than
This month's number of the Life Boat is a most interesting one.

[ Woanomt ,etarn mn..'ctred MSS. eor Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for lo3s.1
SHAxSBPRIAN.-Thanks for suggestion,
B.-As neither fuss here" nor blush, sir," rhymes with Prussia your
Nursery Rhyme is slightly a failure.
M. R. P. (Trevor Teriace).- It appeared in FUN weeks ago.
JULIUS C e2SAR will see why we cannot joke on the subject.
ZAMPA.-We cannot mate head or tail of your outburst.
HoODWINKs.-Your friend's "perpetration" was -the perpetration of a
theft from the columns of an evening paper !
C. J. (Camden Town).-We shall feel obliged if you will abstain from
sending us MS.; our time is fully occupied without having to answer such
absurd questions as you put about ysur rejected contributions.
Declined with thanks :-W, D. E,, Newport; A. F., Meads-row; B. B. ;
C. W., Harrow-road; Anon, Farringdon: A. E., Maidenhead; Bsaww;
B., London Bridge Terminus,; Cantab; J. J. T., Pres'on; "Gambetta;"
Lis;C. W.; C. A K., Brighton; E. F., HB averstock HB ill; Robin, Liver.
pool; W.; G. C., Bath; A. E. C., Scarborough; C., Stirling; P. 0. G.;
M., College Hill; D. R. C., Birmingham; A Crabbed Old Maid; R.,
Ashford; J. A. G., Rotherham; X. Q, Liverpool; E. W., Islington;
K. S. W., Plymouth; T. A., Sowerby; J. R. B.; A. A., Paisley; G. I,
Crane Grove; A. H. W., Chelsea; S, Greenock; G. S., Epsom; F. D,
Guildford; Ignotus; Q. U. I.; S., Brunswick-square; F., Hoddeson.


(Late HANCOCK and COMPANY, Limited) introducer of the celebrated
From SO to A0 per cent. less than hand-made, and more perfect.
The New Illustrated Catalogue, bound in cloth, Free for Two Stamps.

FxBasAur 25, 1871.]



HERE is the Royal Milliner in extasies. Her bandbox-bearer, you chronometric spark who builds the golden watch whose hands shall
perceive, the next as is. Behold the Royal Jeweller approaches, with mark the happy moments of the wedded life that waits our pretty
rings and bracelets, necklets, pendants, brooches. In order next the Princess as a wife.

HERE are the bridesmaids. You perceive they practise the duty, coming are -depicted-that they will come by CuMMING is predicted
which directed by the Act is in all such cases laid-downandprovided- But, ah, the prophet can't profess to know the distant date at which
for she no bridesmaid is, who never crieded'! The Campbells then as 'tis like they'll go.

HERE see the painter, whose effective brush shall limn the pageant for no small detail will his mental grip shun. The Royal Herald with
at its fullest flush, and catch the bridegroom's smile, the bride's sweet his silver clarion as he'll be seen upon the day they marry on. Last
blush. And here's the journalist whose ready quill shall quickly comes the Bishop, who, the service read, in his lawn sleeves, leaves
column after column fill with picturesque report and close description, Lorne and Lady wed.

A Gentle Tap. In the Queen's Name.
WE see announced a new periodical, entitled the School Board Mn. E. CLIFTON, of the Queen's Theatre, takes his benefit on Friday
Chronicle-small beer, we suppose, next. We need not axe the public to crown it with success.

77 1


-8 [Feusn 25 1871

FUN, OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb.:22, 1871.
LET ODGERS and Dodgers
And such blatant Codgers
Talk twaddle about our young Princess's dower;
As yet England's rule 's
Not come down to the fools,
And a sensible Government still is in power.
Does it matter what's said
By people ill-bred,
The whole nation's wish in this matter to baulk P
Let them gull if they can
The true working-man,
The man who wears fustian-which they only talk!
He's a gentleman born,
And looks with keen scorn,
On the Fenian and self-seeking blusterous crew,
And a rudeness to thrust
On a woman is just
The very one thing they don't get him to do!
And the Tooley-street set
Have not found out just yet
For ruling old England the very best plan,
So supposing a TAYLOR
The dowry should rail o'er-
Remember, he's but the ninth part of a man.
Should a member for Brighton
The subject throw-light on,
With cheese-PEEL economy preach with glib tongue,
We shan't take a hint
From the people who stint
At the Faucet in order to waste at the bung.
So I only say "Fudge!"
When the money they grudge!
Why the savages heathen-the very worst tribe
Would shell out their cowries
To pay up shch dowries--
Will Britons do less than the blacks I describe ?
[-Whereon the House at once voted the sum.

Socrates in Southampton Buildings.
ON Wednesday, the 15th instant, ME. COLYAN BURROUGHS who has
long been associated with the press, delivered a lecture on Socrates
and the Art of Government," at the Birkbeck Institution. From an
instructive point of. view no better theme could have been: chosen, in
these days of widened suffrage; but to make it popular and interesting
was a difficulty; one, however, which the lecturer most successfully
overcame by treating the humanity rather than the antiquity of the
subject, to the delight of a large and appreciative audience. The
lecture was illustrated by several pictures: amongst others, a painting
by MR. BunnoGHos from the well-known bust of SocRATEs.

Muddled Chivalry.
A CLERGYMAN whose military genius is lost in Ballinasloe thus'
hurls defiance against the Prussians thro' an Irish' county paper:-
Give me good Irishmen, in whose veins flow (sic) the real Milesian or Celtic blood,
with no other weapon in hand to wage war or to defend an honourable cause but a
black-thorn stick, a cle halpeen," or if you will, a sprig of shilela," I will
wager any bet that etiht thousand Irishmen will smash through-trample on-
and break the seried ranks of 1,000 plundering Prussians, even though the latter
might be armed with a Snider or Chassepot.
This worthy's estimate of his countrymen's valour is not calculated to
strike that terror abroad which he appears to imagine will follow his
utterances, nor are the Milesians themselves likely to feel unusually
flAttered thereby.
No doubt a plundering Prussian armed with what the writer is
pleased to think is a Snider or Chassepot" may be a very formidable
and actually desperate character, but even had he the lives of a score
of cats the odds would be rather against him with eighty "real
Milesians bent on accomplishing his destruction! Nevertheless it is
instructive to know from his Reverence how many Irishmen it takes
to lick a Prussian, so that preparations may be made accordingly,
should Ireland be invaded. We may however rely .upon the Rev.
gentleman's enthusiasm, and that is worth considering, while discuss-
ing the question of defence.

A 1FAcT Pon THm ADmavATY.-Listen to this "My Lords," the
public has its weather eye on- "your War-ships."

Fac-simile of the exterior of a missive, which passed through the oest oa
the 14th Instant.

GOVERNMENT has managed foreign relations well, after all Delight
of Opposition cannot be expressed-on account of the'usual difficulty
of defining nothing. = Army estimates brought: forward-for a
thumping sum. We are quite satisfied on one point-here are the
Estimates! But where's the Army ? = Re-victualling of Paris by
British Government. Transports sent daily into French ports.
French ports daily sent into transports. = Sage journal remarks In
Brazil there is a law to compel men to vote." Well, in Britain there is
a law to prevent women from voting. Same thing. = One of the
Siamese twins is reported to be dying. They will consequently go
into half-mourning. = Murderer of PsiM an ex-detective in the pay
of GONZAL.Z BRAVO. Like master, like man! = ALDERmAN LAwR aes
says one out of every six of our population dies in a workhouse,
hospital, jail, or asylum." Our opinion is that the majority of the
other five ought to live either in a jail or an asylum. = France
generally inclined to pax. Bad for pedlars like GAMBETTA.

Won't Answer.
THE New Prussian (Cross) Gazette seems to be playing at "cresa"w
questions and crooked answers. At any rate in asserting, that :
All material questions have been settled by the Black Sea .Conference5'
it is certainly answering for a little too much. We have several mest
material questions which we want settled, but upon which the Black
Sea Conference has never touched. Here are a few.
Who is going to settle five thousand a year upon us the day after
to-moirow ?
Why didn't we get a beautiful Valentine on the 14th instant?
When will people leave off asking us why the PRINCESS LoUism is
like a heroine of nursery rhyme ?
Who took our silk umbrella at the JONES's party and left us hi
gingham ?
Finally, how is it that although Floriline imparts a delicate perfume
to the breath, and the Anti-Vaccination League asks why give meos
for your lymph ?" still, we are not happy ?

A coUNTma contemporary, apparently aroused at length by the
continental cataclysm from the sound repose into which it had lapsed
through reading its own leaders, announces as a novelty that:-
They have man-milliners in San Francisco.
Let us electrify our drowsy friend by a few parallel passages.
There are bad Manillas in Whitechapel.
There are many millowners in Manchester.
There are mad malingerers in Military Hospitals.
And so on ad infinitutm. What we would fain adumbrate gently to
this somnolent journal is that if he didn't know of the existence 0e
" man-milliners before, and was not aware that the Pa$s fashions
were presided over by a gentleman, now unfortunately arrived, vid'
balloon, at a Prussian fortress, his experience on the subject is little

Nothing to boast about.
AUSTRIA rejoices in the poEsession of eighteen lavdtags-onthis peiam
we could beat her hollow in any English county, but, here we ili

tUo c=a


[FEeRuAny 25, 1871.


TKtE COUNTESS OF CLANMAGCNULTY sat in her boudoir, awaiting the
advent of visitors. Several times the knocker had been plied vigor-
ously since she had taken her seat, but no guest had as yet been
announced. What cared she noew that the first summons had been
given by the handsome clerk of' the grocer, who always called for
orders at four in the afternoon; .or that the arrival of the brecoli
sprouts (for which she had formerly pined) had given the hall-porter
a fresh task ? Nothing. Her mind was fixed on the recollection of the
beauteous Guy ROTTONSTONE, whom she had met at a teaparty the
night before, and who had enchanted her not alone by the manly
graces of his face and the polish on his boots, but by the tasteful and
gentlemanly action with which-Ae:had-handed the muffins and poured
eat the tea.
But the countess was not wholly occupied *-ih-her-thoughts. As is
usual with ladies of ton at mid-day, she held in her lap a large basin of
pea-soup, which, as she mused, was fast disappearing. While busily
scooping out the last few morsels which hung round the side of the
basin, the countess exclaimed, It was scrumptious! "
Well, far my part," replied her maid, "I didn't think so. A
trifle or so too fat."
Too fat He's Apollo's self, the dear, handsome, naughty boy.
[ love him to distraction."
"Pardon me, your ladyship, I thought you meant the soup "; and
the penitent girl threw herself at her mistress's feet, and wept bitter
tears of self-reproach for her thoughtlessness.
As the lady was about to be mollified by these signs of distress, a'
Ioud knocking was heard at the outer:gate, aRd the next moment Guy
EoerroTNSIONE was announced. But our hero deserves a chapter to!
GuT was of noble family, as his name denotes. He had but just
returned from Alma Mater, where he had obtained all the fellowships,
beaten all the bargemen, rowed;.all the stroke-oars, and taken every!
degrees possible. His mind was one dense mass of intellectuality. He
steed six feet six in double-soled stockings; and it was four to oneon.
kin for shape and muscle against the Farnese Hercules. As !he
walked through the streetst:.ihe great bosses of muscle :and the whip-
cord-like thews and sinews -could be seen plainly at work under his
clothes; and he was so intimately known by the public that whenever
anyone anything near as well' made as himself appeared in public the
Fe s used to cry in sheer -admiration, There goes another Guy !"
RorrorsToNs was just nineteen.
The CoUNTESS or OLANMAcONULTY had in early girlhood's days been
given in marriage by a worldly parent to i the Earl, then more than
tvrice her age. Forty years had elapsed since that inauspicious day,
but the Countess had never forgiven herhusband, and now that she
had met with a worthy object, her young love gushed forth, and she
cold have worshipped the Antinous-like Guy ROTTONSTONE.
"Girl, where is thy master ?" she asked imperiously.
"In the front parlour, collecting his rents; he's borrowed'any hussif ;
that's how I know."
The lady pondered a moment. She was anxious to ':be alone with
her loved one. At last she hit upon an expedient. "You have
forgotten the morrow's provisions. Procure two hundles of wood, a
pea'ortbhof hearthstone, a packet of blacklead, two hasdd-roed bloaters,
a'. nomm-of two-and- eight mixed, and a-half quarter stale-crnmmy.
Away. -I would be alone." As the maid!departed, GuY, who had'been
all this time threading the ancestral ;halls of Athe CLANNiACNuLTIES
eztevd&the boudoir.
With three of his gigantic strides he crossed6the chamber, andmeas
a momeatafter on his manly knees/before the Countess.
Lady'siidGuY, in a deep bass voice, thou hast won the precious
jewel I carry imumy bosom. What wilt thou do with it ?
"Peace, gentle trifler," responded the lovesick dame,'" we must
dissemble.'" And they did so accordingly.
Attthis juncture SIR PBNZANCE 0CassWEL aand the judges in'
ordinbay entered the room and pronounced a decree nisi, and Guy at
once bore off his blooming bride to his castle in the Boroug., where
they lived ever after on love and block ornaments, rejoicig in their
own minds that the Earl had4 layedlinto .their hands when he set
epies upon them.
What became of the hoary peer or the maid servant, who had only
too evidently been eavesdropping, history does not show, but a rumour
was for many years current that a shape, like hers was constantly seen,
after dusk, haunting the neighboring shops, where 'she was fated
never to obtain the provisions ordered, by her mistress.

A THING that should take well with the public: Vaccination.


A FRIEND in need's a friend indeed ";
I'm told so, but I doubt it.
With some experience of the breed
I don't care much about it.
His manners may be very nice-
I grant it for the minute;
But when he comes to.give advice
He has a motive in it.
".A stitch in time," as I am told,
""Saves nine" on all occasions;
TBut proverbs-however old-
Are.-often weak evasions.
iLet Reason prose or Logic rhyme,
_Or-Social Science wheedle;
One-stitch is never worth the time
It takes to thread a needle.
"A penny saved's a penny got" ;
A piece of information
That, t; for one, would rather not
Pnt into operation.
.From Avarice's point of view
Suppose you like to try it;
You,-save a penny, it is true,
But lose a pen'orth by it.
They tell us we should "never judge
According to appearance; "
Of all such antiquated fudge
It's time to make a clearance.
.You'.dlend, of course, a thousand pouids,
(And, hope for their repayment)
To:.onei who walks his daily rounds
With holes about his raiment ?

Oh, heigho !
THE culpable recklessness of children playing mith mahkbes; them
prudent readiness of schoolboys letting.off.aquibs,,and:the.strong'pre-
dilection of miners for smoking a pipe in the most dangerous places
underground sink into indistinguishable insignificance when compared
with the heedless way in which sub-editors, of experience vand.skill
send paragraphs of the most perilous character'" to go the ,rodd of the
papers." We quote an instance, considerably less i n aorewthani in
anger :-
Ohio girls have a pleasing. habit of kissing strangers in the streets, and then
wildly screaming, "Oh,-my!,I thought it was cousin Charlie !"
This paragraphwas quoted in a paper which we inadvertently left on
our office table last week. What is the result P Of the seventeen
young men on our staff, twenty-four (of whom no less than two and
thirty are married) have disappeared, leaving behind them notes,
which, in each instance, call attention to our want of a special corre-
spondent at Ohio, and allege that their writers have volunteered, for
the post.
N.B. We are just off to Ohio oursd1atI-e-of course, only to bring
these misguided boys back.

Nolo Abigsalari.
WE have always felt a deep respect for the REV. HENRY WARD
BEECHER of New York-principally, let us honestly avow, on account
of his stroke.of. ;genius in'being sister to Mas. BEECHER SirowE, or
rather because she is his brother. But he has surpassed that achieve-
meat now! An American pappr tells us ---
The Rev. Henry Ward Beecier. tbavin'. reconsidered his refusal to have his
salary increased,eill now receiveQ,,00o dols. per annum.
Who .doesmot admire thehaumility of a man who can go on refusing
aamincrease.if his salary-until it gets so big an offer that it becomes
worth-his-wile to reconsideahis decision ? The quadruped, who is his.
torically-aociated with a humble-minded disinclimatian to.ascend the
giddy rauuids of the ladder of Fame foray maklezai hror
pence sterling, is nowhere in the race.

By your Lif-fey.
THE Daily K e writes of the Republican party in France:-
The past may be against them, and-the present may be insecure for them, but
they at least possess the future.
Has the D. N. secured the services of an imaginative correspondent
from the Emerald Isle ? Blarney's tone crops out in the paragraph.

:FEw'Auar 25, 1871.]


[FEBRUARY 26, 187-1.


I 1

I -

- V


* I~\ /~

''i'f -
1v &:

, ,I- ,
1'1 *" /\

't (

1. Take back the Heart." 5. "The Rhino on the Watch." We beg pardon, 8. Hark, I hear an angel sing."
2. Beauty Sleep." we mean the "Watch on the Rhine." 9. "The swallow's return."
3. "What are the wild waves saying? 6. Liquid Jem." 10. "The Spirit of Spring." 11. "Voices of the Past."
4. "Just before the battle, Mother. 7. "Meet me in the lane when the clock strikes nine." 12. "Won't you tell.me Y, Robin?"


., ,- i .





7uunaman 25, 187L]J

IT'S a shame, so it is, to begrudge
A portion-and that's:all about it,
But they won't-not if I am a judge,
They'll give it, oh, never you doubt it."
This is what Mus. GBUmNDY opined,, and she added beside
In my humble
Opinion, what's going to be given should be voted with-
out e'en a grumble!"
1. Zounds! cried HAL the king,
Won't the knave obey. us P
Thus we treat the thing
Ventures to gainsay us!"
Draw his pistolet and straight
Fired it at the caitiff's pate!
2. A fruit I positively state,
Yet in comparison so great,
To equal it you will be fain
To take a peer of CnARaEs's ;train.
3. A bacon-side he bore for shield,
A bladder did for weapon wield;
Because all other arms would fit less
The heir and offspring of the witless.
4. "How many horses has your father, say,
And what their colours be ? "
Why one is black, one white, one grey,
And the fourth is this, you see.
5. Last eve our troth we plighted,
By silver moonbeam lighted:
Alas, that time should swiftly flow,
It fills my eyes with sorrow
For something to-day can never know
And that will not return to-morrow!
SOLTaIOxN O ACROSTIC No. 205.-Paris, Favre :-
Pillaf, Amphisboena, Rogatchev, Interloper, Sconce.
ouwra 8e SoLtoss or Acnosno No. 205, RcECIVBD FEB. 15th.-
Ruby's Ghost;. Cardamom.

More Chaffy than Wheaty.
E n AiND has often been adjured to keep her powder'd
rye-we fail to see the necessity of it so long as she com-
mands an unlimited supply of good wheaten flour.


lst Cabby (on a very wet morning) :-" WHY, THE DEUCE, GEoRGE, DON'T YOU
[Jack stands a liquor-up immediately.

DEBlrmr's Baronetage and Knightage, and Peerage are so admirably
a iBm ed and so carefully revised and have indeed become such
bsolte necessities that it is hard to know what to say about them
that has not been said, and yet it would be unjust to pass them without
mention. They are perfect.
The City of London Directory is a compilation altogether worthy of
VT[ssRs. COLLINGRIDGE, the spirited originatorsof the City Press. If the
City has had to wait a curiously long time for so necessary a work, at
any rate, it gets it in the highest state of completeness and finish
now that it is published. Nor are the arrangement, care, and clear-
waes it displays the only things to admire in it;. for it is turned out in
an elegant as well as a substantial style.

A Good Bucketing.
Ar Albany a man recently insulted a lady who promptly dashed a
Ticket of. hot water over him. Most ladies would have blushed. She
tuned pail. Some ladies would have "turned hot all over," them-
delre-she turned, it hot all over him. He has clearly won an un-
enviable notoriety by cutting such a splash-in the words of the bard
(ust Scald)-
He leaves a name about well-turned pail
To point a moral or adorn a tail.

Tax moon furnishes the first instance on record of Trust. She
ahineM with borrowed light.

A Question for Phrenologists.
Is it not a necessary consequence that people who are very long-
headed" must be proportionately narrow-minded F"

A Drap o' Whisky.
A BArFrSHxB paper records the decease of "The Poet ofGlenlivot."
When we consider whence he might have drawn inspiration for his
verses in such a locality, w6 only wish our lines had fallen in the
neighbourhood. If the post is vacant we shall be happy to sing the
glories of Glenlivet-only in hexameters. Lines with six feet would
be better able to keep on their legs, after bathing in the Pierian Spring
of Scotland, than your humble dimeters.

A Dogberry Dogma.
Ws are informed by an American paper that:-
In Texas City the chief of police is under arrest for robbery.
We really can see one reason only for wonder in that. The reason
for wonder we refer to is not that the chief of police in' this particular
instance is under arrest for robbery, but that such instances are not
more frequent, when we consider that peachingg is easy, envious sub-
ordinates are many, and that there is much human nature about men.
It only proves how true is the saying Honour among-Constables."

Castles to Let.
Ex-QuaEN ISABEtLA, intending to fix her residence in Austria, is
negotiating the purchase of a chateau near Vienna. Parties, having
chateaux en Espagne or castles in Ayr to dispose of, may apply. If a
gentleman named AxA zus is inclined to part with a Palace in Madrid
on reasonable terms he may hear of a purchaser who has long had a
Spanish-liquorish eye on it, by applying to X. Q. I., Poste Restante,
The Straight Tip (from the shoulder).
A "VICTIM writes to the papers to say there are lots of counter-
feit florins about. Mom.-If any one offers you a counterfeit florin
give him a real floorin' in return.

84 F UTI [FEBasAR 25, 1871.

IT'S hard-very hard on a fellow,
Who's only attained middle age,-
Who in short is just ripened and mellow,
Arrived at life's sunniest stage-
(1 To find he's extinguished completely
uIn the eyes of the sex he holds dear.
(Let me whisper my meaning discreetly-
Not a Valentine's reached me this year!)
1I remember what sweet palpitations-
--/What passion my bosom consumed
Si iAs I pored over fond lucubrations-
Lace-paper, gilt-edged and perfumed.
Last year I got one-and one only,
But how-oh, the shock is severe !
*.. .. I'm deserted, forgotten, and lonely,
Not a Valentine's reached me this year !
Full many of youth's bright illusions
Have faded and and vanished before;
But they left not such rainbow contusions
As the blow that I now must deplore.
No longer will beauty regard me-
No longer her smile be my cheer.
How cruel it is to discard me-
e Not a Valentine's reached me this year.
The postman! A knock! Oh, good gracious!
A letter! For me! Yes, at last-
Humph!-ah, well I if the portrait's veracious
t No wonder that fny time is past.
A hideous old man, all in tatters,
Sh Hook-nosed and with eyes that are blear:
Of re t e ________ dMy recent complaint it quite scatters-
"s "Not a Valentine's reached me this year."
o Yet pshaw why indulge in these snarlings ?
i It's nice if you only reflect!
I'm remembered at least by the darlings-'
----- And I'd rather have sneers than neglect.
Why, if kisses snd smiles are denied me,
THE RIVAL BLACKS. Let me have a box on the ear.
What true comfort the fact has supplied me
Regular Brigade Boy:-" PoLIsH x up, sm?" That a Valentine's reached me this year!
skirmishing Irish Lad:-" SunR THIN, TSR HONNER 'LL NOT GIVE THAT BIT

Vulgar Fractions. A Full Account.
TAxmons have, from time immemorial been looked upon with WE have come on this paragraph in a country paper :
contempt by more sturdy handicraftsmen, and many and most various s80oETHzx LIKE A MANGOLD.-Mr. J. Boucher of Rodhuish, near Williton, has
are the stories told with a view to bringing ridicule and contempt upon received from a friend a yellow globe mangold, which contained a hare, pheasant,
are the storiesupon partridge, wild duck, black cock, two pigeons and two snipes.
the knights of the thimble. But at last the tailors have made a stand, We should like to know with respect to this great globe-mangold-
and have proved that they are capable of entering into the lists with itself, and all which did inherit it; whether the game was' U
any other body of workmen. They can smoke more pipes, drink more ande, atherna whc di invest iet whte the meadc wasputin, fr
beer, and talk more politics than any other trade body, and in Reform and feathers," or the contents were simply the mangold remains.
League debates and Trafalgar-square enactments tailors are world-
renowned. But, still aspiring, they have sought further fame, and The British Flag.
have found it. From the Weekly Dispatch we quote the following THAT "late events our flag disgrace"
paragraph:- Don't credit certain prints.
At the Marylebone Police-court on Wednesday, Mr. D'Eyncourt, in fining some The English Colours in that case
tailors who were charged with drunkenness and disorderly conduct, said "it was Were justly Neutral Tints.
remarkable that tailors behaved so much worse than other men when they were
Of course there will be many ready to doubt the justice of Mn. Written on the Spot.
D'EyNCOURT's statement. To them we venture to propound the THa orders, despite all the brays of the Anti-vaccinationists, who
following conundrum, which we are ourselves perfectly unable to seem to disapprove of the calf being promoted over their long years of
answer:-If it takes nine tailors to make an ordinary individual, how opposition, have been issued from head-quarters that all the cadets and
many "worthy" magistrates are necessary for the formation of a wise boys throughout the naval service are to be re-vaccinated. What a
man ? pity it is that the Admiralty has no poet like DIBDIN to give us an
appropriate stave. In the absence of a bard we would venture to
A Moving Tale. suggest that a composer might make a nice nautical glee out of
WE should like to know the process adopted by the gentleman Haste thee, Lymph, and bring with thee
mentioned in this advertisement:- Jest and youthful JoUlly-ty.
R SALE, a MANSION, at Headingley, in consequence of the present owner
and occupierleaving Leeds with five acres of pleasure grounds. Apply, &c. Arguing in a Circle,
It would be very desirable indeed to learn how when "pleasure WE believe that neither the Editor of Notes and Queries nor MR.
begins to pall" in one place, as MoonR observes in his melodies, we TiaBs is aware that when DANIEL LAMBERT, the celebrated fat man,
may not only "order our wings" but put our acres into our portman- died, there was an inquest held, and that the verdict was "Found
teau and be off somewhere else, Round."


O .

you a young lady "in your
eye" P if so ..... mind it!
': Do as you- would be done by!
This is entirely SMITHKINSON'S
creed, for-(his married life is
not happy)-he protests he shall
be only too delighted to run away
with M1 s. SOMEBODY, provided
he can only guarantee MR. SOME-
onY'S running away with Mas.
SMURxeNsoN! .. Ruffian.
An: intellegshowall (if not an
intellectual) treat; --- The

as. ElrnMnT BR EnaB h as,
we- are informed, "taken up her
cross"; Nonsense! we
don't believe it, unless .... it
is a good big diamond one.
Mas. SKIPPINGTONE SMtyrMHE-SmYrj Ta (widow) has, we. are told,
"'put off the old man"; -- is any gang one deluding her with
ond hopes ?
How many a time has love dimmed the eye of Beauty, and-and-
ah--sad retribution-how many a time has the mouth of Beauty
. .. dim'd Love.
emo mortalium omnibus horis sapit; no one can tell who he sits
next to in anL:omnibus; clever poet!
The. most dangerous, tho' most entrancing form of Rouge et Noir;
- Ladies" lips and boots!
DimseotiB ena, be the better part of valour, but hang valour, you
my, a little in-discretion is-now and then-eh ? of course; quite so.
We hear of people who have pet dogs "that do everything but
speak"; by the living jingo, it's lucky for them, for both of them,
dogs and owners, they don't do that.
When about to make a phool of yourself, ask yourself this question
-"Is she worth going to the-the-Bad for? We should like to
bave an even hundred on our ability to guess your answer, eh ?P
Caning a boy for whistling on the Sabbath is perhaps the best, yes,
perhaps the very best way to make him cordially detest that weekly
event for ever afterwards: it is quite as sure a way as taking him
thmee times to church every Sunday of his holidays.
How many a "swellish party" we see in the Row and St. James'-
atreet. A stranger, unacknowledged, unapprov'd," is like the wind of
Heaven; he comes you know not whence, and he goes you know not
Money in this world can do nearly everything for you; it can make
your home a mundane -s-ium, &c., &c., &c., but it can not. . .
make you a gentleman.
There's many a cloven hoof wears patent leather.
We hear people spoken of as "sponges," "tremendous sponges" !
Ra! ha! it isn't water THEY absorb though: anything but it!
A contented mind is a continual feast: yes, perhaps; but, there are
nmen--gastrophilistic parties-who read it, that a continual feast is the
Best -way of getting a contented mind.
The cook who curries your lobsters, chickens, &c., &c., &c., to'
perfection, can hardly fail also to curry. .. your favour.
Itis not so bad being only a little loose," it's the'being frequently
"tight" that is so objectionable.
You like young ladies: of course you do; we should utterly despise
you if you did not, for what can be more entrancing; nevertheless, you
take ouradvice, and, if you'would get on-don't neglect the more,
.dderly ones.
A beautiful woman with no feeling, no soul, is like-a silk stocking
with no-no-no-ankle in it.
We, should almost! be inclined to imagine that some of the very
Sdharming young married, women who so-often act as chaperones, were
mome in want of guardians for themselves than the spinsters of a
ckera,.a very certain age, they frequently act for: however, if these
da of ballroom, &c., Cerberuses.don't mind.it, and "Society" says
"it'nsalli right," what's it to .us; only we should say that a pcoty

chaperoner was fatal to the chaperoned, for she is far less dangerous to
throw sops to than the poor souls she guards. With the Cerborus of
fable, they chucked him-a cake: with our Cerberls you'd like to-
to- chuck her. ........ under the chin!

'" Go," said a learned sage to me,
"And .seek a lesson from the bee,
-Whosa industry will ne'er recoil
From earnest and incessant toil! "
I listened to that reverend sage,
Renowned for wisdom as for age
And I resolved in point of fact
Upon his kind advice to act.
But you will own 'tis rather hard
In Fleet-street, or St. Paul's Churchyard,
Or e'en on Ludgate's slopes to see
A sample of the genus, bee.
I hunted closely up and down
And all' about that part of town,
But though I sought in every place
Still of a bee Ifound no trace.
At last a friend compassion took
Upon my wild and haggard look,
Cried Come to MARTIN'S, comrade mine,
And steep your cares in generous wine."
How true it is that what in vain
We seek for years, by chance we gain-
I'd sought a bee in lane and court,
And, lo! I found its wing in port.
And now I blessings aye invoke
Upon the sage of whom I spoke,
And still I follow his advice-
The bee, qud wing, has proved so nice.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
W. (Union-street).-Why mark a batch of contributions "private "?
Of course when you do that we can't publish them.
M. J. W.-The merit of your Homoeopathic Love Song is. somewhat
too infinitesimal. In fact, you extend your treatment to your Pegasus, for
so gently you Spurs-'im it doesn't Gall.
A. S. (Upper Baker-street).-Hearing we "except original communica-
tions" honours us with the For-Lorne joke. He is quite right, we do
except that most original communication.
CHA iFORD.-Sand address for return of MS.
B. W. G. R. (Holloway).-For the future title of those Princess of Wales,
when the Prince ascends the throne, we must refer you to Garter; King at
Arms-or the Family Herald.
C. J. (Randolph-street).- Quite absurd and impossible, butrwe ha-t no
space to explain.
OLD :SeBsCIBRaH.-If you will send a stamped and directed envelope
we shall be most happy to supply the information. Here, we cannot.
Miss H. (Near Taunton),-We are much gratified. But your traducer
is one of your own sex.
C. D. (Aeorn-street).-Thanks for suggestions. We trust youM acorn is
not'of t'enature of a 'oax.
Declined with thauks:-P. B., Oxford; Mum; H. W., Croyden: W.
T.; Jane; Alpha: G. C., Bath; B. W.; W. H.; H. C. Bi, Edinbatrgh; C.
B. ;S..B. ;R. B., NewoastleBon-Tyne; F. G. W., St. Leonard's; R T. W.,
Royal Marines; R.,M. S.; J. M., Glasgow; F. "., Upper H6lloway;
S. G. P.; Pinoh; W. T., Bristol; D. W., Edinburgh; Aliok; U. M.,
G. P. 0.; H., Sedgley;;R. T., Lambeth: Clifton; G. W.,.Liverpool;
D.,.Birmingham ; Mawkia; P., Crediton; Lester; O..R. I. C., Ayleford;
T., Hawkins; W. S. K.,.Plymouth; A Sulky Schotlander; J. RL, Kelso.

maIUAXT 25, 1871.]


[PEFRUARt 9 ; 1871.


The Gentleman's Magazine contains an interesting paper by Ma.
HoREs, and a pleasant gossip about CHARLEs LAMB ; while the Table
Talk is as good as ever.
London Society is a fair average number, but we should like to see a
higher standard erected for the verse, much of which is very slipshod.
Ms. YATES keeps the Fldneur up to the mark well.
The Rectangular Review is varied and amusing, but would be better
without illustrations, of tho kind inserted in this number.
Tinsleys' is a good number, but the dramatic criticism in My
Private Box is shambling and weak in the knees. Would that the
pictures were better I
It is curious to note how thoroughly readable Cope's Tobacco Plant is,
although its theme is not a very wide one. To be sure the feeble
nonsense of the Anti-Tobacco Journal serves for a peg for it to hang
jokes on.
IN the Atlantic Monthly the "Whispering Gallery" with remini-

THE SrT ARD, 7th March, 1870, in a notice of Mr. Streeter's
Catalogne, .says.:-".The practical information furnished is very in-
teresting, and will no doubt be appreciated by those who may read this
useful little work."
COURT JOUENAL, 19th -March, 1870 :-" Mr. E. W. Streeter,. gold-
emith and jeweller, 37, Conduit-street, has issued a handsomely-bound
catalogue of diamond ornaments and machine-made jewellery.'
UrrITED SERVICE GAZETTE, 9th April, 1870 :-" Mr. Streeter, like his
great predecessor in the goldsmith's art, B-nvenuto Celliii, combines
literature with handy-work, and publishes books respecting his precious
specialities, almost as handsome as the articles of which they treat."

sciences of HkWTHORNE keeps up its interest. MR. ALDRITCH has a
quaint story, The Friend of my youth" ; and the number altogether
is a good one.
Our Young Folks is brighter than usual this month, and "Jack
Hazard grows in interest.
We have received The BEales and the Cooks, Why John Bull grumbled
about the Wedding Present, The Foreign Crisis, and The Row at Dame
Europa's School; all apparently suggested by the remarkable and not
quite intelligible success achieved by The light at Dame Europa's
The Illustrated Review (No 9) maintains its excellence. The
portrait of DEAN ALrORD is very good indeed.
The Rainbow Stories are the successors of' MassRs. GROOMBRIDGE'S
well-remembered Magnet Stories. "Phil Thorndyke's Adventures" and
" The Rift in the Rock," the first two tales, are worthy successors of
the old favourites.
We have also received .the Westminster Papers, Golden Hours, The
Journal of the London Institution, The 'Gardener's Magazine, Le Follet,
The Lady's Gazette of Fashion, The Coronet, and The Young Lady's and
The Gentleman's Journals.

MoRNING ADVERTISER, 12th March, 1870:-"It has claims on all
persons of taste, for its really beautiful designs and effective represen-
tations of the choicest patterns of the art of the goldsmith, with the
additional advantage that they are all produced at the smallest price
beyond intrinsic value, that such elegant and rich specimens of orna-
ment can be executed. The book is in itself handsome and attractive "
PUBLIC OPINION, 16th April, 1870:-1" The beautiful designs of the
various articles are engraved in the best style, and apart from the
information the volume contains, these designs, together with the ex-
cellence of the printing, paper, and binding, give the work an intrinsic
value, to which the idea of a trade circular is altogether foreign."

hinted by JUDD & Co., Phamix Works. St. Andrew's HIll Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at80, Fleet-Street. B.C.-London Feb. 25, 1871.



MARCH 4, 1871.]


IN this world of mistakes and mishaps and misdeeds -
And the misses distinctly outnumber the hits!-
Where Justice so often at random proceeds,
She condemns twenty guiltless for one she acquits;
We must feel we have more than our portion of bliss
If our life when reviewed has the luck to obtain
From the jury a verdict no harder than this-
Of Not Guilty. But warned not to do it again!"
We strive and we struggle-we err and we fail;
We're anxious to' soar, but we roll in the mire.
We swear we will fight against fate, and prevail.
But we strike a few blows and, incontinent, tire.
Our life is a constant succession of falls,
And struggles to rise that are hopeless and vain :
So 'tis well if for no sterner verdict it calls-
Than Not Guilty. But warned not to do it again!"

I xwow them well, those early songs
That trouble my repose;
The earliest to CHO XKS belongs
Who j6dels Milk below! 's.
The cries of Sweep and Creases" fall
The next upon mine ear,
Or distant costers loudly bawl
Their vegetable cheer.
And soon will come the news-shop boy
Who paper loud halloos,
Why should he such a strain employ
To call the Daily News ?
Songs before sunrise! Sounds of dread,
To hear them I refuse-
Turn round in bed, and wrap my head,
And steal another snooze.

Agricultural Note.
WHEN you talk about the harvests smiling, do you
mean that, by manuring, you make them (m)earth ?

Earlswood, Feb. 26.
SmI,-Some short time back you were good enough to insert a song
of mine in your valuable paper, an event which gave great satisfaction
to me, and made me very popular in our Institution-for you must
knw that of all the periodicals published yours is esteemed the
highest here-no slight compliment I can assure you. I have, there-
fore, taken great pains with the following lines, and we all look
forward to their appearance with great interest.
Yours most inanely,

I remember, I remember, when we all were little boys,
How I used to play the truant, and attach my comrades' toys ;
I recollect these things quite well, although I'm getting grey,
And haven't had a quarter for a twelvemonth and a day.
I remember, I remember, when I'd got to be a man,
How I used to grow my whiskers on a most extensive plan :
I can't forget these trifles, hairy as they may appear-
Yet I'd yield-up all remembrance for but half a pint of beer.
I remember, I remember, as the time would fleetly pass,
How I used to find enjoyment in the gay and social glass.
But, also, I remember, that the glazier called one day
When I had not the wherewithal his little bill to pay.
So I asked him in politely, and for him I placed a chair ;
Then I shook him by the throttle till I shook off all his hair:
And when he was baldheaded he before me stood contest
As one of those who were false whigs-the which I much detest.
I can't remember any more about my youthful days-
I only know that here I am, and wear poetic baize.
Now this fact clearly proves to me that garb we must not slight,
For by its use my garbled verse has reached the reader's sight.


Flowery Language.
WE have met with a polite invitation set forth in a Newport paper
in these words:-
FLOWERING SUNDAY. Porsvns intending placing Railings around TnmIR
Graves before Flowering Sunday would do well to pay a vieit to the show
rooms of, &e., &e.
We can hardly resist this suasive message, but altogether we had
rather not superintend any little light Raillery about our grave. We
have not selected it yet, and on the whole, with the, advertiser's per-
mission, we would rather put off doing so-say, until a week or so. In
fact, as far as our personal feelings are concerned, rather than visit the
Show Rooms with a view to that final decoration we would live till we
were a hundred-we would do so indeed on far less provocation.
Undertakers, we know, are accustomed to regard "epitaphs and
tombs with a business-like familiarity. This is the first time we
have found an ironmonger indulging in irony on such themes.

Convict, Convince !
A vERY proper objection is being taken by the labouring classes to
the employment of prisoners on productive work. We beg to second
the objection in the interests of the prisoners, whose tastes lie in a
direction which may be accurately defined as that of unproductive
work, and who object in the name of freedom to a man's being
compelled to work against his "convictions."

A TELEORAM from Cassel states that the ex-ExPEROR NAPOLEON
meditates leaving Wilhemsh6he for England. He had much better
stop where he is! His knowledge of the country should tell him that
our "liberty of the subject" is not always compatible with the safety
of the ex-despot. As the veracious reporters sent over by the Paris
press have more than once noticed, there are such things as public
invitations to crime in the form of Rubbish may be shot here.'


88s FU N'. [MAucH 4, 1871.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March st,1871.
Wn'VE heard of Dame Europa's school-
But that's across the foam:
For schools, if you are prudent, you'll
Begin to look at home,
'Where one at least (at Westminster) should con the maxim o'er
Of Talk a little less, my boys, and work a little more! "
A School Board there will shortly sit,
Because whole sessions pass,
And yet of real work a bit
Is scarce got through, alas!
Because these noisy urchins will not heed the learned lore
Of "Talk a little less, my boys, and work a little more!"
They keep the very latest hours,
And then-'tis sad but true-
The longer time their talk devours
The less the work they do!
Let's hope that the Head Master will the cause of it explore-
Cry "Talk a little less, my boys, and work a little more! "
For Dame Britannia does not mean
To bear such idle din-.
She'll have the school-house swept out clean,
And have new pupils in,
Unless they heard the maxim, I have talked about before,-
Of Talk a little less, my boys, and work a little more! "

Art and Science.
THE Royal Albert Hall will be opened shortly. We have inspected
it, and our opinion of its acoustic merits-and as we know nothing of
acoustics our opinion has the rare merit of being unprejudiced-is that
the singing of a whole opera company therein will be as the chirping
in an inverted soup-tureen of a young cricket with a severe catarrh.
But having in view the purposes to which we feel as sure the Hall
will be erelong devoted, as we do that the intimate friend to whom we
yesterday lent a couple of sovereigns won't see us again for years; we
are gratified to see to how great a height the LuaL of the period will
be competent to be shot-up, and how tremendous a drop from the
traplze lies in the future before the HANLON midget. Another advan-
tage of the size of the building is that the Christy Minstrels, who will
never perform out of the Albert Hall, London, will be at such a
distance from the spectators that no one will be reminded that their
faces are burnt-corked and not naturally black. All this is reassuring
for the future of Science and Art.

On all Fours.
* IN Mn. DARnwI's new book on the origin of man we are informed
that :-
Man is descended from a hairy quadruped (furnished with a tail and pointed ears),
probably arboreal in its habits and an inhabitant of the old world.
Further on, MR. DAnwon asks "if the progenitor of man had not
pointed ears, why is there a blunt point in the folded margin of the
ear of man?" All right, ME. D.! We don't make any objection,
except that we have known a great many intelligent monkeys and a
lot of men, and we do not see why you should throw a slur on the
former by inserting that hypothetical "probably arboreal." Nothing
of the kind. Man not only "is descended from a hairy quadruped with
a tail and pointed ears," but is that quadruped only too often still-
though he hides the fact under the garb of civilisation. Only wait
till you hear him bray!

Fiat Justitia! !
WE are glad to observe that one at least of our police magistrates is
determined that, as far as it lies in his power, there shall be no ground
for the complaint that there is one law for the rich and another for
the poor. A man was the other day brought before him by the
Society for the Protection' of Cruelty to Animals for torturing a
number of pigeons by packing them so closely in baskets that they
were deprived of food and water, and were suffocated. The magistrate
observed that the cruelty was clearly proved and fined the man-ONE
Well, and why not ? So long as the barbarous practises of the
Hurlingham and other gun clubs are allowed to go on unchecked for
the civilisation of the upper classes and the encouragement of tender-
ness in highborn ladies; it would be rather hard if a poor man should
be debarred from torturing his pigeons.

IT is popularly supposed by a benighted public, who little imagine
the quantity of midnight oil consumed by those who are at once the
lights and the reflecters of the sporting world, that the life of a pro-
phet is one perennial round of pleasure, that his existence is an
excursion of course, and that his dreams are ever of the sweet green
turf, the pride and glory of merrie England and her old nobilitee.
Nothing, however, could be further from fact. The sporting writer
has to think, and ofttimes when the gentlemen of this favoured isle are
sleeping the calm sweet sleep caused by the knowledge that sporting
notes will be published on the morrow, the author of them is making
futile efforts to cull from the Calendar epigrammatically equinoctial.
remarks upon the Spring Handicaps, or is labouring upon the deriva-
tion of some abstruse name bestowed by an ignorant owner upon a
favourite steed.
I knew a man once who was thoroughly conversant with every
description of sport, and he, thinking it very easy, turned sporting
prophet. But he had reckoned without his host of opponents in the
literary world, who though they didn't know anything about the turf
thought themselves a good deal cleverer than my friend because they
could spell a bit better. He was, however, a sweet poet, and he used
to dictate whole columns of verse to me, among which was the follow-
ing beautiful and appropriate ballad:-
I've stood upon the race's course,
I've drunk the stirrup cup,
I've heard the shout of numbers hoarse
At sight of numbers up;
T'vr ronevd onn theb,. rivi'r T'Phamnes

On Cam and Isis day,
And had to make my sporting mems
When others were at play.
I've been upon the coursing ground
When dogs were in the slips-
I've seen the fastest, swiftest hound
That e'er went for the chips;
I've watched the steeple as 'twas chased
O'er Aintree's famous land,
And seen the first three horses placed
From our reporters' stand.
I know the game of nurr and spell,
I've heard the skittles fall,
I've played at hockey in the dell,
I've hazarded the ball;
Of bagatelle and whist and crib,
I'm perfect in the rigs,
Believe me (I don't tell a fib),
I'm good at Irish jigs.
And yet you wonder that I'm sad,
That stolid is my gaze;
You seem to think I should feel glad,
And joy in fleeting praise:
Ah, what to me's the Derby field,
The Leger or the Oaks,
Now that my pen I cannot wield
Like them there lit'ry blokes!

Please shed a tear over the above, and oblige
P.S -I have just been looking through the Court Guide for the-
address of a friend of mine and notice a very peculiar error in it.
LoaD LuROAN is described as Master of the Horse. I should say I
Proprietor of THE Dog would be more appropriate.

Officious !
WE protest against a recent infringement of the liberty of the
subject, whereby a gentlemen, with a good deal of gunpowder on his
premises in the immediate neighbourhood of an open stove and the
pipe he was smoking, was brought before the magistrates and
punished by fine or imprisonment. If he had been left alone he
would in a short time have obtained a discharge in full without appli-
cation to the bench, and his friends and the country at large would
have been saved his funeral expenses.

The Zoo.
TaH papers, with their usual ignorance of the graces of the classics,
have announced that a baby Behemoth has been presented to the
Zoological Society by the female hippopotamus." Of course every
schoolboy knows it should be the hippopota-ma-especially under
such circumstances.

MAnan 4, 1871.] g9



HE very highest stations in
this life are attended with
a certain amount of danger
and anxiety to those who
fill them: the troubles ef
"the great" are known
only to the great, and ..
and . attendant soot-
True greatness does not
consist in being a big man;
this is a mistake most big
S men appear to labour un-
I ? der. Beauty of propor-
tion does not consist in
being very small; this is a mistake most small men appear to labour
In Vino Veritas Bah! In vinw impertinent, imbesilly stupidity ,
more likely.
We hear people perpetually saying, Ah poor so and so, he died like
an angel." What's the use of dying like an angel" after living as
long as possible like a beast.
A needless remark give the d-1 his Jew,"
He takes him, dear boy, and his Christian too!
The amount of cheek" some people have, will indubitably prevent
their ever being put-" out of countenance."
Modesty can be carried too far. The lady who wore spectacles to
hide her n-k-d eyes was a silly creechar. Plain; bet you a fiver
she was plain ; dayvlish plain !
"The D-v-1" they say "is not so black as he is painted." Dear
reader, you may feel quite certain that he is exactly the colour-
you like best !
Every dog ihas his and her day.
There is no doubt about it, the most beautiful, the most charm-
ing ALICE in the wide world-when her figure is sufficiently ample-
is. "Alice D" ; sweet, sweet s. d." !
A fool and his money, and his cigars, and his breakfasts, and his
"private affairs," and his conversation, and his toute la boutique are
soon parted, if N very B, if he is a good-natured fool; the bad-natured
fool simply parts with that which he knows no one will take ......
his advice.
What a much happier gosling you would be, and oh how much
happier your friends would be, if you would only keep your bills down
half as carefully as you do your ...... wristbands!
Be strong athletic stoopids if you like, certainly, by all means; but,
please do be natural; don't try and look so strong: please look
comfortable. We don't allude to real rowing men, &c., but to their
imit-eightoars !
Reader, gentle reader, have you ever yet come across the man or the
woman, who (according to their own account) has not been most
PAs -onately adored ?

Heart and Part.
THERE is much talk of the jealousies of the dramatic profession, but
whenever a real trouble overtakes an actor there are always plenty
ready to take his part.

E. FoasTER.
I SHOULD just like to know where we're going to go with these new-
fangled dodges and notions,
For having elections done quiet indoors without bribery, beer, or com-
motions ?
And to do it just now-when they've just give us votes, as is any day
worth honest money-
To deprive us o' prop'tty we've arely come into is a joke I don't
look on as funny! I
Why, the Parlyment gents ain't deprived of their chance of a-getting
theirselves to a peerage
By a-voting for Government regular and straight-and I'm blowed if
this isn't a queer age
When one's robbed of a right (just because one is poor) as is granted
to chaps, as low-sunk as one-
For they each of 'em want to be made a reel lord, and we only want
to get drunk as one !
Yes, it's hard, so it is, to debar us from beer and our honest election
Of breaking folks' heads, when 'twas nomnashin day-as was business
combined with enjoyment.
Why, to say as we mustn't impress our opinions with a crack of a
stick on a thick 'ead
Is quite unconstitooshonal-that's what it is-and moreover un-
English and wicked.
As for heddicating the labouring class (which me and my mates
thinks as we is)
This purity of election and ballot and that, why, the very worst way
as can be is,
If we ain't to have beer-and a pound now and then-with a few
heads thrown in just to batter,
What interest at all do you think we shall take in any political
matter ?
So just stop this here talk that our rights you will baulkjand alter thb
great constitooshun,
Or you'll find as your bill very probably will bring about a wide-
spread revolooshun.
Wherefore if you give ear and attend to this here and the measure
immejutly smother
Your petitioners as in duty bound ever will pray-but if you don't, we
shall all do the t'other.

Single and Double Blooming.
HanE is a horticultural curiosity! It is a bachelor's button that
would not object to being grafted on a pear:-
WANTED, a SITUATION as HEAD GARDENER. Aged 24. Single; but, if
required, wculd become married to obtain a good place. Perfectly under-
stands the profession, and can produce a good character. Apply
We have seen in the columns of horticultural papers long lists of
"Garden Requirements," but we don't remember to have seen any
marriageable damsels advertised among them; and we are curious to
-know how this gentleman would proceed if "required to become
married." With all his understanding of the profeuma he owid not
"force" any woman to marry him, or train har to tb 1Wg fte of

Another thought occurs to us:-suppose after beooaing naarried he
lost the good place. Would he be equally obliging jul "become
unmarried if required at his next situation? ..

The London School Board.
PaOFESSOR HUXLEY in describing the sort of thing he desired by
way of education observed that he did not mean by physical
h lease of the.globes and all that abominable trash, but the relationship in which
man stands to the universe.
This is all very well for the Professor, but will he find any school-
mistress candid enough and any schoolmaster courageous enough,
while speaking of "man's relations" to enter fully and exhaustively
on the intricate subject of the mother-in-law ?

A Figure of Speech.
WHEN one of the speakers in the recent debate on the propriety of
settling a sum of money upon the PRINCEss LouisE at her mzmnaga,
alluded to the possibility of a numerous future line of Argylls-it was
only a little ornament. (Don't see it ? Only a little LORNE he meant.
Get out!)

9o FITJ N.

-is -\.

[MARcH 4, 1871.

5 't Illl~ S -,

* //)/~1[fJ'lf vIP
7 -

/ X/
*/ ell //0/

^'^^ 7



}.J) I All

." mA I

1. The Traitor's Doom. 5. He is usheredin by the Butler.
2. A distinguished patriot. 6. Receives deputation.
3. Welcome to the land of freedom. Shure, and they're after the fiver, thinks Pat. 7. Is banqueted.
4. A great personage takes him to his buzzum. Allegorical representation ol tae 8. His hair is "requ 'stioned" by female adorers. Apotheosis of Paddy the
G. P. We have not a portrait, and certainly do not intend to buy one. Martyr.




F U N ,-MARCH 4, 1871.



\T\\ I lAR \


Dedicated to the School Board for tie Regulation of Public Business."


I MAc 4, 1871.J


AT early day, or e'er the dawn
Has bid the earth rejoice,
Or e'er the curtains are withdrawn
I hear Affection's voice-
My youngest, in his crib awake,
Begins his unknown tongues:
I bid him sleep for goodness' sake,
He has such potent lungs.
I rise and dress ; and yet again
Affection's voice I hear.
For, while we sit at breakfast, JANE
(Who is my partner dear)
Asks, What for dinner will vou try
Of flesh and fowl and fish!"
To which my usual reply
Is Anything you wish !"
And then the girls besiege my ear-
Affection's voice once more!
They ask for fashionable gear
To spend my hard-won store.
They know that dear papa will give
The little cheques they need.
'Tis vain to vow that, as I live,
I can't afford indeed!
And last the boys want tips forsooth
A five pound note for choice:
Oh, charming frankness, trust, and truth
Of sweet Affection's voice.
I sigh for peace and rest and kef,"
And oft the wish will come
Would to that voice I could be deaf,
Or would that voice were dumb!

A Wise Maxim.
Dmvr dull care away by all means-but not in a
How did the dog look, who dropt the cutlet into the
stream, when according to .Esop he lost the substance
for the shadow ? We are inclined to think he looked

Wershipper of Bacchus (quite out of patience):-"THERE YOU GOES AGIN,-
A-SAYING IT is Halco-hals AS DOE ME HABM !"

STHE Police are to be vaccinated. They're accustomed to being
drilled, but will they like having holes picked in them ? = Negotia-
tiens continue in France. The question is Concord or internal Discord
-peace or pieces ? = The ex-Emperor formally declarates. In answer
the National Assembly formally deposes-him! = MR. FORSTER
brings in a bill to purify, improve, and trinquillise elections. The
"lambs" consider they are fleeced. = Only one M.P. went into the
lobby to vote against PRINcESS LoUIsE's dowry. Fawsett-an havo olim,
rmeminissejuvabit :. = The officer of Franc-tireurs burnt alive by the
Prussians at Rouillez wasn't an officer of Franc-tireurs, besides which
they didn't burn him alive or dead. Good job for him!= MB.WISE will
not resign his seat for South Warwickshire. That's lucky, the House
wants to be more, not less WisE. = Sm ROBERT PEEL asks why LyoNs
went out like a lamb from Paris. = GARIBALDI returned to Caprera.
Hope he'll stop there for his own credit's sake. = At Norwich election
COLMAN mustered a thousand odd more than his opponent, who got
pepper, not to name assault. = Another prisoner escapes from the
" Model" Prison. Name was apparently given to it sarkastick." =
MR. MATIN, M.P. for Meath,being asked by Editor of Debrett for his
arms, replies he carries no arms, as he is in a declared district."
How wiel they vaccinate him ? In a soft place in his head, possibly. =
DuxE or CAMaBRIDGE is to continue Commander-in-chief. The service
is not going to the dogs, by George!" = Birmingham papers make
a great fuss about a madman at large there. They should come to
London, and they'd soon get used to that! = Concert announced by
"Civil Service Musical Society." We shall go! They're sure to
play well-doing it daily from ten till four.

The Old Cry.
A PAWNBROxKE at Glasgow has been fined for taking in pledge a
waistcoat "before the same was completed for wear." The old story!
How the vested interests are protected!

I'M ill and I'm sad,
And the weather is bad,
And the children are not out of danger.
My poor head is aching,
My poor hand is shaking,
And sleep to my lids is a stranger,
But what's that to do,
If one's work to get through ?
And one has but a subject to light on.
Though except my own cares
And wretched affairs
I can think upon nothing to write on.
Then bring me my pen and fill up my ink,
Let my spirits be weary and sloppy,
For the devil (asleep on the stairs, as I think)
Is waiting for comic copy.
There's the rent overdue-
And there's Mo' won't renew,
And SHEARS says he'll force me to settle.
There's a tax from last year-
And the rates in arrear.
Of fish 'tis the prettiest kettle!
And to-morrow, alack,
Why they'll bury poor JAcK,
The friend I have loved from a "babby"!
And I shall not be there-
I've no mourning to wear,
And my best clothes-and only-are shabby!
So bring me my pen, and fill up my ink,
Though my spirits are scarcely tip-toppy,
For the devil (asleep on the stairs, as I think) ,
Is waiting for comic copy!







* /

[MARCH 4, 1871.

Has lately been scanning
The frivolous follies and fancies of town,
And it's his firm opinion
That Fashion's dominion
Is full of abuses we ought to put down.
For ages and ages
(Sea History's pages)
Has Paris been looked on as Fashion's abode,
But during its leaguer
No votary eager
Has been at a loss for a guide to The Mode!
'Twould be but invidious
To say if more hideous
The style of the ladies or style of the men;
Where both are such Guys
To apportion the prize
Would need a new PAIcs-andkpuzzle him then!
With paint on their faces,
High heels and tight laces,
And piles of dead hair on the top of the head,
The fair have desired-
If they can't be admired-
At least to deserve to be stared at instead.
While as for the males
With their Ulsters' long tails,
Their collars, their hats with low crowns and wide brims -
If any one errs
'Gainst taste more than the hers
I think you will frankly admit it's the hims."
Is quite right in banning
The extravagance, dress, and bad taste of the age-
If you don't like his strictures
Pray study their pictures
And say will such figures deck History's page!

A Shocking Butchery.
ON the 17th instant the neighbourhood of Hendon, so recently the
scene of the escape of a large bear, was once more thrown into a state
of the most extreme alarm and excitement by the discovery that a
well-known inhabitant had come to his end suddenly by violent
means. It appears that on waking one morning he looked up and
discovered a tall stout-built man attired in the garb of a butcher
standing over him. A terrific struggle ensued, during which the cries
of the victim were positively heart-rending. We grieve to say that
although these cries attracted several persons to the scene of the
slaughter they stood callous spectators of the scene, which was brought
to an end by the poor creature's assailant stabbing him in the throat
with a sharp knife.
Mu. Mo'rxIxs, his owner, says the deceased has cut up well, and
declares no other pig in the neighbourhood weighs as much. We have
a melancholy pleasure in bearing testimony to his great merits, with
which we became acquainted in the form of sausages.

Emancipation P
WE are fond of boasting that in this land of liberty there are no
slaves. We have always doubted the fact; indeed since our marriage
our doubt has almost merged into a certainty founded on experience,
which like charity begins at home. But if our belief that there is
actually slavery in England needed confirmation, without benefit of
clergy, we should find it in a statement in the report of a recent police
case, wherein it is mentioned that the prisoner, when visited bythe
Sent out his son. The boy fetched a quart of ale, two screws of tobacco, and a
couple of pipes.
That the child was bartered for such trifling commodities does not-in
our eyes at least -diminish the gravity of the crime.
Jeer, Boys, Jeer!
"A History of the Obligations of the World to America" is
expected from the pen of Mn. SEWARD; of course attention will be
drawn to the numerous Transatlantic contributions to the well of
English undefiled," such as collide, excur, reliable, sundown, &c., &c.,
an obligation," as the adage reminds us, the very reverse of



MARCH 4, 1871. PFTUN. 95

LISTLESSLY into the gallery wanders the weary reporter,
Knowing his work is cut out, Parliament having begun.
Yawning, he inwardly prays that in future the talks will be shorter,
Not as aforetime prolonged e'en till the rise of the sun.
1. The light clouds fly
Across the sky,
The wind is piping loud,
With shortened sail
Before the gale
We'll fly, with ringing shroud.
2. The humble worm that lowly creeps,
At length from out its prison leaps
Deserts the old and shrivelled skin,
That hid the gorgeous hues within,
And soars at length with pride on high
A gaily painted butterfly!
3. The boatswain of the Lively Wan
Was clearly not a polished man,
For while upon the deck I lay,
Prostrate with illness one fine day,.
He called me this, and bade me go
And hide my sorrows down below..
4. If you must a witness be,
Don't you go, unless
They with legal form andI fee,
Your attendance press.
5. Your ancient printer, you're perhaps aware,
Was proud about his trade,
And so you'll find in all editions rare
His name is well displayed.
6. Paopmssoa HuxLnn has derision hurled
At the old definition of the world;
It makes a fellow feel uncommon queer
To learn the globe is quite beyond his sphere!
7. In silent shells they were enclosed,
And in their quiet beds reposed;
'Till sacrilegious hands appeared
And caught the victims by the beard.
SOLUTION or ACRosTIO No. 206.- Valentines, -Postal Card: Vamp,
Ambo, Liquors, Elegant, Nausea, Tragical, Idiotic, Naphtha, Emperor,

At Last !
THE Alabama claims are in a fair way to be settled, if what we hear
is true. The Americans abandon their request for an apology for
recognizing the South as a belligerent :-
Upon that score General Schenek will now practically admit that we were right,
that we only did what we were bound to do by the rules of international law and
that Seward and the "Village Lawyer" set up this pretension in ignorance of Vatel
and Wheat6n and all the rest. The point abandoned, the claims resolve themselves
into a mere disputed account. The American Government has claims upon us.
We have claims upon them. The accounts can be examined, set off against each
other, and settled by a cheque for the difference.
Better a cheque for the difference, than a difference for a check!

Board v. Block.
AN acute observer, mentioning the case of MRS. MORRIS, justice of
the peace in Iowa, who had to retire temporarily from the bench to
attend to her baby, adds "this is a hint for the School Board." How?
Anybody knows there is a wide difference between a boarding school
and a nursery. He may depend on it that the Board which at its
outset declined to have formal prayers for fear of any suspicion of
sectarian leanings will not admit of anything of a pap-al character.

Ink-ready-ble !
ALL those who have much writing to do have reason to be pro-
foundly grateful for their latest invention The Ink-supplying Pen
holder "-a very simple contrivance adaptable to any sort of nib. One
dip in the ink-stand secures a supply that enables one to write for an
indefinite time without a second resort to the sable fluid. We have
ourselves with one dip written an amount of matter equal to half a
column of FwN, and we find the saving of time is considerable.

To YoUNG HousErEPaRs.-Never send a thoughtless servant to the
cellar for beer, it should be drawn "with a head."

Miss EMILY FAITHFULL and Ma. RUSKIN have lately been relaxing
their great minds by talking nonsense to one another. Says Mn.
RusKiN to Miss FAITRrULL:-" Woman's work and sphere are as
refreshing as the dews and defined as the moon's "-we suppose he
means sphere" to be understood-" but it is not the rain's nor the
sun's" ;-here we presume he means "sphere" again to be under-
stood. On the whole we think it's lucky that one or two words are
understood, for it is not very intelligible talk. Struck with MR.
Rusxni's moon, Miss FAITHFULL proceeds to indulge in the following
bit of moonshine:-" The dark places of the earth need the pure light
of the moon, and the barren mountain-side looks for dew as eagerly as
the valley "-of course it dew "-if not rather more so, as NICHOLAS
would have put it. But what does all this twaddle mean ? That the
Woman's Rights business is sheer lunacy and that her Mission is a
misty exhalation thrown down in the form of moisture by the chill it
meets with ? We don't suppose that Miss FAITHPULL or MR. RusCIN
means this, but they may in.this instance be talking sense without
knowing it, while they supposed they were dealing in poetry.

TAKE, oh, take those slips away,
O'er which sweetly I have sworn;
For the errors they display
Lightly cannot well be borne :
But MS.'s bring again-
Some to hoard their scrawls are fain!

A Near Escape.
WE are glad to be spared the recital of a terrible and fatal calamity
which might have deprived the Ministry and the country of one of its
brightest ornaments, by the sudden fall on Wednesday last of a tall
factory chimney in Regent-street, as the eminent statesman was walk-
ing to the Houses of Parliament. By the greatest good luck the
Right Hon. gentleman was absent from town on that day ;: and we
may add that fortunately there is no factory chimney in Regent-street
and that its fall was consequently prevented.

In a Pickwickian Sense.
"YOUTH will be served," as the young gentleman observed when he
boldly demanded a penny pickwick.

[We cannot return unaccepted ISS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsibleJor loss.1
IN reply to several inquiries we beg to state that cartes de visited of the
late T. W. ROBERTSON are obtainable of MR. CHAIRLES WATKINs, 54,
No NAME.-We don't feel inclined to become your godfather.
A. M. L. (Peckham).-We are sorry to say your Peckham Rye-mos are
not in our province.
B. (Brechin, N.B.)-We can't help thinking the address is an imposi-
tion on us poor Southerners. Is there such a place in the Land o' Kilts-
we mean, Cakes ?
L. (Feetwood).-Your pun tn the Romans is an e-Norman-ty we can't
R. (Norbiton).-Please quole correctly-Cmssar did noF say "omnis
Gallia divisa eat in Ires parties "-fry "Gallia eat omnis divisa in par!es
tres." There is no necessity for quoting Latin-there is a necessity for
quoting correctly.
J. (Cornhill).-Not in our line. We don't strike a woman, even though
she does happen to be a Royal one!
SQUAtE.-An excellent subject, but this time you are not high enough.
"ESSE QUAM VIDERI."-If bad verse could drive the Prussians from
Paris, you would be the preserve of France, did we print you. As it is
you must be content videe motto) to exist and not be seen in type.
NIcK APTEROs.-Good, but unsuitable.
W. L. B. (Paris).-We fear your Muse has not recovered from too much
horseflesh, just yet.
Declined with thanks:-T. N., Birmingham; T. E.; W. T., Bristol;
Robino; S., North Shields; J. G. A., Hampton; H. 0. B., Liverpool;
E. G.; A., Sunderland; Melviro, I.ower lNorwood; H. E. F., Vere-street,
Thee; J. K., Maidstone; J. W., Rugeley; Diggles; D. E. E., Chelsea;
W. St. G. W., Wells-street: T. W. H., Beaminster: John Barleycorn;
Brown, Dundee; T. M. R, Yeovil; Toodles; B. B.; W. A. 0., Newcastle-
on-Tyne; W. E. G., Mill' Hill; Metempsychosis; J. E., E. H. C., Clap-
ham; O'Malley; I. A, Manchester; E. M, Uxbridge; D. R., Leith
Walk; J. F. B., Edinburgh; A. Spoon; W. I. W.; W. H. 0., Man-
chester; J. R. B.; S. E. de L., Seacombe; Nullum Malum, etc.

96 FUN. [MAH 4, 1871.


WE may congratulate Tinsleys' on an improvement in the pictures,
this month. But there is yet room! The three novels gain or con-
tinue in interest, and the general papers are good with the exception
of The Private Box," which is not by any means a successful attempt
at dramatic criticism. Its praise is less discriminating than its
We get two numbers of the Overland Monthly at once this time, and
we regret to gather from the San Francisco News Letter that the
deterioration we note in it is due to the secession of Ma. BRET HARTE
from the editorship. Still, we have papers by MaR. STODDARD-and
poems-to reconcile us somewhat to the loss. MR. DODGE'S paper on
DICKBNs would never have appeared under the old rdgime-nor "The
Grizzly Papers," which are better suited for the News Letter, say, than
for a magazine. We hope to see our old favourite recover its position
among periodicals next month.
The cry is still they come !"-the million and one imitations and
parodies of Dame Buropa's School! It is some comfort to think that
they cut one another's throats-if things which have apparently no
connection with brains may be supposed to have such useless articles
as throats. In addition to these brochures we receive a Leedel Ballad,
which traces its descent from Hans Breitmann, and is as unworthy as
they of the model.

THE STANDARD, 7th March, 1870, in a notice of Mr. Streeter's
Catalogue, says :-" The practical information furnished is very in-
teresting, and will no doubt be appreciated by those who may read this
useful little work."
COURT JotRNAL, 19th March, 1870 :-" Mr. E. W. Streeter, gold-
smith and jeweller, 37, Conduit-street, has issued a handsomely-bound
catalogue of diamond ornaments and machine-made jewellery."
UNITED SERVICE GAZETTE, 9th April, 1870:-"Mr. Streeter, like his
great predecessor in the goldsmith's art, Benvenuto Cellini, combines
literature with handy-work, and publishes books respecting his precious
specialities, almost as handsome as the articles of which they treat."

We have also received a copy of a burlesque which is being, we
believe, played somewhere. When we are in very robust health we
don't mind going, in the interests of the public, to see a burlesque as a
serious duty. We do not know (thank goodness!) of any reason that
binds us to read one.

The Feast of Reason.
"THE German Emperor," we are told, "gave a grand banquet to
the Crown Prince." Alas, how many a bank wet-and cold too- bhas
been the continual feast of the contented mind of the German privates.
Would it not be well for potentates to refrain from f'e' while the
fates of nations and armies hang in the balance ? An armistice is not
nCc3ssarily a treaty, and should not be cons rued asfeed-us!

Fortune's Buffets.
M. BUFFET declines the post of Minister of French Finance. This
buffet is not a slap in the face for the new' government, but an
acknowledgment that he has been in the wrong boxe. Besides every
buffet is accustomed to being shelved.

The Bride of Can't Abydus !
IT seems probable that the foundations of the Ottoman power in the
East were cemented by the BaEY O-OLOU mentioned by BYRON.

MORNING ADVERTISER, 12th March, 1870:-" It has. claims .on all
persons of taste, for its really beautiful designs and effective represen-
tations of the choicest patterns of the art of the goldsmith, with the
additional advantage that they are all produced at the smallest price
beyond intrinsic value, that such elegant and rich specimens of orna-
ment can be executed. The book is in itself handsome and attractive "
PUBLIC OPINION, 16th April, 1870:-" The beautiful designs of the
various articles are engraved in the best style, and apart from the
information the volume contains, these designs, together with the ex-
cellence of the printing, paper, and binding, give the work an intrinsic
value, to which the idea of a trade circular is altogether foreign."

Printed by JUDD & Co., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Lcndoi: March 4, 1871.

MARCH 11, 1871.]

FUNM. __

Art and literature were largely represented at the post-mortem

WE are glad to see
that a marriage-or
perhapsin considera-
tion of the exalted
position of the con-
tracting powers we
should say a union
is about to take place
which cannot fail to
set at rest- and for
ever all disputes
between this country
and America. The
daughter of the late
American Represen-
tative, MR. MOTLEY,
is about to become
the bride of Ma.
We need hardly re-
mind our readers-
because whether we
do or no, MuR.
HARCOURT will do
so-that a union
means a close rela-
tionshipto the Royal

- Bagging Alsace
and Lorraine.


\~ -~

But these were the real Mourners.

Arma virumque
THE Passing
Eventer of the Sun-
day Times suggests
that those who are
suffering from vac-
cination should wear
a badgeon their arm,
d la Red Cross folks,
to prevent friends
from clutching them
by the suffering
member. He does
not suggest that as
the Red Cross bad-
gers were called the
Ambulance Corps
the vaccinated vic-
tims should be styled
the Havebeenlanced

Force of Habit.
a cheap and noisy
thoroughfare found
himself at the West-
end as a Levee was
in progress: as car-
riage after carriage
rolled up he voci-
ferously exclaimed,
"See the quality!
Observe the quality!'

VOL. XI11.


98 [MARCH 11, 1871.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 8, 1871.
NAY not with tears and wailing should you meet me,
Although mine advent you so dearly buy!
Rather in hope and holy courage greet me,
And self-reliance high!
Too long War's pageantry and passmg glory
Around your soul their witcheries have spread
The blood-stained pages of the Conqueror's story
Were all the books you read!
See to what downfall Glory's dream betrays you,
Defenceless, stricken on your heaps of slain!
Turn-turn to me, whose ready hand shall raise you
To Name and Fame again!
A Name, unsullied by the blood of quarrels,
Shall skill, and thought, and industry secure,
And Fame, more lasting than the hero's laurels,
More noble, and more pure.
So you by Science and by Art befriended,
And Commerce, bearing healing on her wing,
Soon from the ground, whereon you lie extended,;
Shall, renovated, spring!
And thus, mayhap, you have not vainly troubled,
But like the giant, of whom legends treat,
Quit the Earth-Mother's lap with strength redoubled,
The greater for defeat.
We may not always read aright the gesture
Of Stranger-Circumstance, whose voice is dumb :
Clad in Calamity's dark trailing vesture
Not seldom Blessings come.
Aye, and hereafter when you see more clearly
How was this restoration grandly wrought
You'll say Sweet Peace, I did not buy too dearly
The triumphs you have brought!"

An Essay.
IT is not always; in point of fact it is rather seldom than more
often, or indeed, to be yet more particular, it is an occurrence, of
which it may be predicated, that it might befall any given person or
persons once out of ten times, on an average; the other nine occasions
resulting in an-exactly opposite upshot; that the wealth of language,
which the ancients described so admirably as a copia verborum and of
which they offered such splendid examples not only in the Orations of
TULLY but in the Panegyries of ISOCRATES or the Philippics of DEMos-
THENES (not to diverge farther into the limitless Elysian Fields of an-
tique oratory) is combined by one of those unions of which poets speak
as the blending of soul with soul, and the coincidence of one perfect
sphere of intellect with another; with the facility of wielding that
majestic weapon which was first snatched from the wing of JovE's
eagle, although recently supplied to a far greater extent by the tribe
Anser, although that family, thanks to the spread of civilisation, has
had its monopoly trenched upon by the steel points of MITCHELL
GILLOTT, MACNIVEN, and CAMERON, PERRY and other pensive purveyors;
but I do flatter myself that I can do it a little.
[We print this from a pure spirit of charity; its author being in
immediate want of the merest necessaries of life, and believing that
his style may recommend him to Government and procure for him
employment in the shape of the drawing-up of the next Queen's
speech. As his wants are urgent and the compilation of another
speech will not be required for some time, we gladly further the
aspirant's views.-ED.]

Lodgings to Let !
The Orkney Herald holds out a temptation to felony which is
delightful in its frankness and simplicity :-
KIRKWALL JAIL. -We are informed the last prisoner confined in this prison im-
proved the extent of 34 lbs. in three months, yet notwithstanding this the jail has
been empty 118 days I
Notwithstanding the advantages offered and the encouragement given,
the Kirkwall people are not to be tempted, and the jail wastes its
sweetness on the desert air. Won't any London gentlemen volunteer P
Perhaps the jail authorities will pay their passage if communicated
Such Sweet Sorrow.
ONE slight, and that the last, Paris can well afford to bear with
equanimity-when the Germans turn their backs on her.

TELL me not in mournful numbers that the age of chivalry is dead
nd buried. While it lay at the last gasp, in the feeblest possible
tate of pulsation, the humble individual who now addresses you had the
honour of restoring that feudal institution to a weeping and hopeless
world. Listen to my autobiography; it is brief and instructive. The
instructive and the brief are seldom united.

Hle was a Baronet was my hated rival. Apparitors, jmnitors, men at
arms and servitors waited but his beck and call. His castle moat
abutted upon that highly fashionable neighbourhood now known as
the Field of Forty Footsteps. It was Chelsea in the days of old.
And she ?-a poor mummer-a thing of pink and spangles-an
hour's gewgaw-leading burlesque lady at the Zodiac-anything you
please. But I had seen her. To see was to luve. To love was to,
adore, and to adore was- To proceed with my story.
And what was I?-A simple poet; ardent, imaginative, and strictly
rhythmical. The art of poetry is its own reward:- its own reward in-
the spiritual sense. Perhaps from a worldly point of view the axt of
poetry is the reward of its publisher.
The price of admission to the pit of the Zodiac was one zeeohino (a-
rare coin of the period to which my tale refers). Nightly I struggled
for the.front row, and nightly I contrived by brute force to monopo-
lise the central seat. Still I was not happy. I saw the gaze of
myriads, concentrated upon the ethereal being whom I desired most
ardently to retain for my own particular admiration.
Nightly, at the close of the performance, I waited for her at the
mummer's entry. Waited five minutes-eight-seventeen-eighty-
five. I stood with grooms and porters en the opposite side of the way..
My devotion only brought me illness (bronchitis)-dejection (bile)-
and insult (language too improper to be repeated).
She chlarly loved the Baronet. There was but one way. I would'
insult him, challenge him to fair combat d outranee (French for all the-
way there and back again), leave him dead upon the field, and carry
off my beauteous prize to a sweet seclusion on the Lago Maggiore.
I insulted him. I called him haughty oligarch, and he branded,
me in return with the epithet of Minnesinger. We fought at mid-
night with rapiers in the centre of Leicester-square, after carefully
removing a valuable statue which obstructed the play of our weapons.
When I saw my adversary fall, pierced through a vital part, I felt
sorry but not afraid. Fear came later, when the Lieutenant of the
Watch conveyed me under a strong guard to the Tower of London.
My trial was a matter of mere form. The jury was suborned and
the judge was a vile creature of the Court.
My mind is quite easy, although I am to die to-morrow. The
headsman is now sharpening his axe in an adjoining courtyard.

N.B.-She will appear in a new burlesque at the Zodiac next
Saturday. Adieu!

My destiny has ne'er decreed
That I should win a wife;
But, though a single man, I lead
A strangely doubled life.
One solitary case to take,-
Throughout the days of youth
I never had a single ache
But in a double-tooth.
One solitary case, perhaps,
Is nothing to relate;
So let the rolling years elapse
As far as man's estate.
I'd make in music some advance
By twenty-one or two;
Could play the double-bass and dance
A double-shuffle through.
In later life 'twas all the same;-
I studied MR. HoYLE,
And o'er my double-dummied game
Forgot my daily toil.
Whene'er I played my friendly whist
At home or at the club,
I made a single but I missed
Two doubles and the rub.
At forty years of age, alas!
I chanced to lose a leg;
And thus you see, it came to pass
I have to wear a peg.
But Fate, I've proved beyond dispute,
Can never be controlled;
For, though I sport a single boot,
That boot is double-soled.





"HANG it all," said I to the ostler as I drove back to the Globe
stables, "you might have given me a horse to drive that could go a
little more than four miles an hour."
"Bless ye, sir," said he, with a grin, "that's BEN BOSTOCK'S mare-
fastest 'oss in the country."
Stand-fastest horse you mean!"
"Well, I on'y know she won BEN thirty guineas, and against the
winner o' the cup at our last races !"
"How was that P I asked.
"Well, ye see, sir, as you'll allow she aint much of a hoss to look at,
nor yet as far as most people would judge even after driving' of her,
she ain't much to go. Now BEN BosTocK-he's a gen'T'man farmer
he is-was always pretty well knowed for havin' good 'osses, and he
runned inwariable to win the cup in our races. But some'ow or other
he never didn't nohow contrive to win, and he always backed hisself
pretty stiff too so that he lost a tidy sum altogether. Well, thishyer
went on for several year, and what made it the'arder for BEN was that
young SQUIRE MASHAM always contrived to win, though his lossess
wasn't a patch on BEN's. So BEN he swore as he'd be even some'ow
and get his money back ; for,' says he, if I lose to this tune another
year, it'll be a ugly job.' Well, when the races come on, lo, and
be'old there wasn't no 'oss of BEN's entered, and the young squire he
chaffed BEN dreadful about it. But BEN he only grinned and said as
he had meant to enter a 'oss as he'd bought up in the north but that
he hadn't been able to get the crittur home in time. However young
squire wouldn't believe that, and swore as BEN was afraid. Any way,
as usual, young squire he won with his 'oss, Flyaway, and took the
cup. About of a week after the races, on market day, while young
squire were a-standing on the steps o' the hotel, who should come by
but BEN, as was a-ridin' thishyer very mare. Ulo V says the squire,
' is that the 'oss you was a-goin' to enter for the cup?' I rather
think so!' says BEN, looking' as proud as if he was on a thoroughbred
Harrib. Lucky you didn't get her in time,' says the squire.
' Why ?' says BEN. Why, she'd 'a'bin nowhere! says the squire.
' Oh! says BEN, you think so, do yer ?' I do,' says the squire.
' I don't,' says BEN. And then the squire bust out a-larfen. Look
here, squire,' says BEN, 1'1l bet you thirty level guineas as your
SFlyaway won't pass her on the Cup Course any day as you like to
name.' No !' says the squire, it 'ud be robbin' yer, BEN 'I
think it 'ud be robbin' you,' says BEN, with a grin, but I don't object
on that account.' Are you serious ?' says the squire. I am,' says
BEN. I'll bet you thirty level guineas as your Flyaway don't pass
thishyer mare on the Cup Course any day as you like to fix!' Done,'
Says the squire. 'Done!' says BEN, 'and now I'm off home, so you
drop me a line when you've fixed the day.' And with that off went
BEN. Well, the squire he fixed the day, and he wrote to BEN and told
him, naming an hour for the start. Well, the day came and the
squire and Flyaway and a lot o' squire's friends and parties as had
heard o' the bet was on the ground, but doose a bit could they see
o' BaN and the mare. Howsemever they fancied as BEN might ha'
been slewed the prevus night, so they waited a bit, and by and by who
should come walking up as cool as a cucumber, with his hands in his
pockets a-whistlin but BEN hisself. Where's the mare ?',says the
squire. In the stablest home,' says BEN. I thought I'd just come
and see how you was a-gettin' on,' he adds, quite quiet. Hangit all,'
says the squire, some o'these chaps '11 ride over and fetch her '-for
it was a good five mile to BEN's stable. Wouldn't be much use,' says
BEN, for I've locked the door and here's the key,' he says, producing'
of it. Hang it all,' says the squire, ain't ye goin' to run her ? You
bet me'-- I never said I'd run her,' says BEN. 'Not say you'd
run her!' screams the squire. 'Not say I'd run her,' says BEn, quite
solemn. Then what did ye say P' shouts out the squire. Well,'
says BEN, worry slow and distink, I said as I'd bet you a level thirty
guineas as Flyaway wouldn't pass her on thishyer course, on any day
you named.' Well, and I named to-day,' says the squire. In
course you did,' says Bun, and he ain't passed her, has he An'
wot's more he won't, for she's in the stable locked-up, and I've got the
key, and I don't mean to let her out for the day. 'So now you may as
well hand over the thirty guineas!' You may guess the squire was
real mad, and swore as he wouldn't pay, and he appealed to his friends
and laid the case before the Race Committee.and wot not. But he
had to pay BEN at last. And4 that's how thisyer horse beat the winner
o'the cup. I don't see no other way how she could ha' done it
neither "-said the ostler.
Nor did I. So there the.mnatter ended!

A Becoming Pursuit.
IT is reported that MRs. YELVEIVTON has become a farmer in
Missouri. We hope her husbandry will be successful this time.

QUITE the cheese among proverbs: A Stil-ton shows a Wise Head.

Nothing when you're used to it I
IF we may trust the Newcastle Daily Chronicle,the French, like the eels,
have become so thoroughly accustomed to being wounded that they do
not notice it. In a letter from Lille published in its issue of the 22nd
ultimo the following passage occurs :-
Yesterday evening, an explosion took place here at a cartridge manufactory. A
few persons were wounded, but nobody was hurt.
The only case that we can recall as at all parallel to this, is that of the
unfortunate sausage-maker who was minced-up by his own machine,
but retained sufficient presence mind to enable him to reach his home
and break his calamity-in very small pieces-to his sorrowing wife
and family.

Save your Bacon!
Hmn's a chance for happy couples !
given, that the Board of Guardians will, at their meeting, to be holden at tie
Union Workhouse. Great Dunmow, on Tuesday, the 21st February instant, receive
APPLICATIONS from married couples, not exceeding 40 years of age, willing to
become CANDIDATES for the above SITUATIONS.
The Guardians, we are surprised to observe, do not draw attention to
the advantage of a residence in Dunmow, as conferring an opportunity
of winning the well-known flitch-but perhaps theirs is not a Union
of uninterrupted happiness. Very few Unions are!

The Belles of Bandon.
Tcis is the latest instance we have met with of the oppression of
Ireland by the Saxon-or rather by the mail-bags:-
St. Valentine's Day this year in Bandon was the greatest ever known. Poor Tom
Bushe, the postman at the Kilbrogan side, was so hard set that he was compelled to
requisition a donkey and cart to help him to transport his stock. His wife also
came to his rescue, and, by doing the opposite side of the street greatly facilitated
his professional duties.
Alas, that we have no FATHER PRovTto sing, as he once sang the Bell
of Shandon, the charms of the Belles of Bandon, who are so lovely
that their beauty effects a post, and moves a stock.

Emollit Mores.
THosE who have received a liberal education are rarely of a litigious
disposition-they have learned in their college days to "Come to
WHEN is a wooden hut like whist ? When it is made up of deals.

MacSi 11, 1871.]
I -, -

WHAT can she do but love me,
That little wife of mine ? ,
Her brains are far above me,
For brains are in her line.
I lack the airs of fashion,
The lordling's lofty tone;
But she returns my passion
Because I'm all her own.
I spell and cypher badly,
My aspirates I drop:
My talk-1 feel it sadly-
Is not at all tip-top.
I fear my faults distress her,
But she has never shown
The least annoyance, bless her !
Because I'm all her own.
My face is not APOLLo's,
My nose is hardly straight.
My right eye rarely follows
The movements of its mate.
My form presents unduly
A prominence of bone;
And yet she loves me truly
Because I'm all her own.
The marks of youth diminish,
And on my bullet head
The curls get gray and thinnish
That once grew thick and red.
But why at age be snarling
When youth's for ever flown:
She loves me still, the darling,
Because I'm all her own.



. .

H iI~ IW

--.oTTQo VOs s r r s W L

This wus our design for the Procession. Will it be believed ?-it was rejected by the Pruesian Authorities.


1 100

[MARCH 11, 18'7.1.

;;I -

X'\ \


il Ls

-'UFJI .-N-M ARCH 11, 1871.



Mancx 11, 1871.]


WJ welcomed you, with smiling lip,
On your arrival here 'mid us,
And joyed exceedingly, oh Hip-
Of, the maternal block a chip,
Mahogany-hued little cuss;
We were so proud of you, oh, Hip-
Oh, why evade the friendly grip
Of BucxnAim and of BARTLETT thus ?
Why did you die, oh, little Hip-
How oft their pensive tears will drip,
When your lost merits they discuss!-
They'll make a cast of you, oh, Hip-


SrooNFu IV.
An you a. fluffy gander ? Have you beards, and moustarcheios
and wishkers, and so on ? Or, are you a plucked, smobthfaced, young,
cavalry-looking gosling ? Well, in either case, what is your opinion
of the other case P Look at these two boobies in arms, with no more
sense than two babies in arms, COLONEL STABLES here condescend-
ingly walking with one of his cornets, well, they respectively
say to themselves, "What do women care for smoothfaced boys ?"
and, "Bet you a fivar, gals don't care for old duffers like the
colonel." Ha! ha! gooses, you're both wrong; why F because there is
no such deceiver as conceit: though, what you say to yourselves,
only makes us surer then ever, that one of the greatest, the very
greatest, and most comfortable blessings Providence can possibly
bestow is . giving you A thoroughly good opinion of yourself !
"The thief sees in every bush an officer Miss ABAMINTA FITZ-
LowGoww says, She only wishes SHE could!"
There is now, we much fear, an end of the Napoleonic dynasty; we
regret it sincerely, for NAPOLEON III. was a gentleman, and England's
friend; we should, 0 so vastly, have preferred to have seen the end of
another dy-nasty instead! need we say we allude to Aurieo-mania; to
the-Auricommon, golden-haired dye nasty, dye very nasty ?
Lets of French maids about England now: bonnes with no bonnets;
you know. We should never be surprised to hear them sing to our
lovely Peleecemen "R obert (i.e., BOBBY) toi que j'aime"! Dare say
they do ; never mind; let 'em.
You complain, 0 virtuous'goose, of the shocking wickedness of Paris,
eh? But why is she so wicked, our fair LUTETIA; why? Because
. simply because .g. the world and his wife, you and we
and everybody, go there.
Poor France! Poor Frenchmen! Your Marseillaise has turned out
but a sorry goose-step, a oie march in the wrong direction after all!
To think that the Parisians should have had to eat .... donkey;
to think that they-should not only have sung "aux armes, citoyens," but
have had to sing aux dnes, citoyens" as well; to think that their
"jour de l'an should have been a "jour de Vl'ne," and, at six francs a
pound Poor baudets, poor bodies, we pity you both, the eaten, and
the eaters.

The eye of the master fattens the horse: perhaps-hippophagisti-
cally-with a view to eating him, eh ? curried perhaps. P.S. N.B.
This is where eating donkey has the pull over eating horse . .
you can't have a night mare.
Quotation to make on seeing wild fowl at dinner: "'Tis now the
widgeon hour of night." P.S. N.B. If it's not a widgeon, but a chicken
or a turkey and you still make this quotation, you must make believe
you thought it was a widgeon ; you understand.
He who touches pitch (and toss, for sovereigns, on wet afternoons,
at the club, &c.,) will not be defiled, but cleaned .. ....... out!
Raising the neighbourhood," odd to say, is easier, far easier than-
raising the wind!
Having a bit of a breeze with your wife, is not calculated to cool
either of you!
We hear a great deal about the "the sac-rament of marriage";
Pshaw! it isn't the sack-raiment of marriage people go in for; it's the
silk raiment, the purple and fine cambric and double-milled-extra-
superfine- Saxony-lined-throughout-with- silk-and-velvet collar and -
cuffs-raiment they want! Hy-men (and women) don't care a snuff
of his torch for a plain gold hoop, unless it has a good big diamond one
to be its keeper.

SiR,-I know you are fond of true poetry-there is a romantic
feeling about the manner in which I courted my missus, which I know
will charm you. Though humble my lot, I aspired to her hand, and
popped the question one night when I brought her guv'nor home from
a neighboring pub. During my hours of relaxation I have composed
myself by the following composition:-
"Can you ask me," sighed KATE, and she wept as she spoke,
To leave the fond home of my dad,
Where I revel all day 'mid the bushels of coke,
Ahd ne'er am despondent nor sad ? "
"Ah, lady," said I, don't begin for to funk,
You needn't be frightened of me ;
We'll take care of the shop while your father gets drunk,
And I'll oft take the pledge in bohea."
She mopped up her tears with a neckerchief drab,
Which used for to hang round her squeeze,
And said BOB, you're a brick-you've the gift of the gab,
I think to get married's the cheese."
A week after that we were made one, and have remained, ever
since, Yours obediently, Bon.

SIE,- Can you tell me if it is a fact that PiOFErsson DARWIN was the
originator of speeches; if so, at what period did he flourish, and in
what manner did he flourish his periods P Was LonRD MONBODDO' a
hapless tale, or was he only a tailless ape P Which was the larger, the
French Directory, or that in contemporaneous use at the London Post-
office ? How many bar-lambs are equivalent to an iron pig, and are a
piggery and. a puggery at all alike ? Did the race of Coppers now
settled among us ever hold sway over a Copt ? Would an eager desire
to obtain possession of some new sovereigns be correctly described as
pneumonia ? Is or is not the midnight music of the domestic tom a
catastrophe? Perhaps if you cannot answer all, or some, of these
queries, your kind readers will try and enlighten
[Perhaps they will-we think the task hopeless.-.d.]

For Sale !
WE can hardly wonder at the difficulty which it is alleged exists in
getting men for our navy. We clip this from a contemporary:-
UBLIC SALE OF DECEASED SEAMEN will be held at the Mercantile Marine
Office, SAILORS' HOME, Poplar, On TUESDAY NEXT, 28th Inst., at 2 p.m.
It is rather hard that old salts should be sold like pickles!


[MARcH 11, 1871.


=It"would not be abad idea to economise in the clothing Half the expense of horsing the cavalry might be At the same time a Staff Officer must be retained with
=*.- and mounting of the Commander-in-Chief. saved by making each animal carry double, an imposing and effective uniform, to interview
Emperors, Kings and Chancellors.

The uniform of the infantry The cost of military bands might be Each private should have a few stuffed By a judicious grouping of several General
might be more practical reduced by the adoption of kim- arms issued to him, to serve in Officers inside one coat, it would be possible to ensure
and business-like. pler accoutrements. case of amputations, &c. in the combination of their mental faculties
an equivalent to the brain of one ordinary being.'

Falling back on the resources of the country, A yet happier suggestion is that a colossal "Fraser Gun "-a Allegorical Transparency, representing the certain
our Committee would recommend the few miles m length-should be erected on a result that will follow upon ihe establishment
formation of a Bulldog Corps. pivot in the centre of the island, in order to protect the of our reforms by Royal Warrant.
coast all round.

A Hint for the National Assembly. For a very obvious Reason.
THERE can bS no doubt that the very beat style of Government for IN this country no amount of persuasion would induce a crowd to
starving France just now is undoubtedly a Provision-all one. form a queue-an Englishman never turns tail.

SPEED the day! when the hon. member for The Toy Shop of the SHOULD a sporting man tip you an old crock for either of the
World may take his seat in parliament, BRIGHT-as a Button! Spring Handicaps-ask him, Wedgewood, or Sdvres P



MAnIn 11, 1871.]


TER s of Peace settled. Concession. = Alsace and Lorraine to be
given up to Prussia. Cession. = Prussians to march through Paris.
Procession. = The GRAND DuCRESS OF GEROLSTEIN is not dead.
Consequently no Court mourning. = The baby hippopotamus is dead.
Consequently MESSRS. BUCKLAND, BARTLETT and the Zoological
Society are disconsolate. = Powder-mill explosion at Ewell, and
nobody hurt. Evidently some mismanagement there! We protest in
the interests of the Coroner. = MASTER M'GRATH has been to see the
Queen at Windsor. Who is he ? A painter, a poet, or a philo-
sopher ? Why a greyhound-of course! = The Paris Republicans
hold pacific manifestations in the Place de la Bastille, perfect
order," no hostile demonstrations. They only tied a police
agent to a board, threw him into the Seine, and pelted him till he was
drowned! = Explosion of a gasometer at Barking-nobody injured.
They don't know how to manage their accidents properly. Ought to
apply to the nearest Railway Company for lessons. = Mas. Toxrsx of
the Diamonds acquitted. Torpey-dity of brain among jurymen.
Mem: next time we are charged with robbery, to take a baby into
Court. = Heads of London School Board still at loggerheads.
Couldn't perhaps find logger heads elsewhere. = Prussians entered
Paris. Paris journals, according to promise, did not appear. That
must have pained the Prussians! = Times says "demeanour of
Parisians very dignified and admirable"-" appearance of German
troops very fine and soldier-like." Policy of Times very butter-both-

'TIs a dozen of years-or but little more-
That Tempus has drawn and cracked,
Since my birthdays counted two and a score,
Though I scarcely can think it fact !
Sure years must have flown as they seldom do,
So early at age to arrive,
For I-but a youngster at twenty-two,
feel an oldster at thirty-five l
I gathered honey from ev'ry flower
That tempted my roving lip:
Nor roared to store it, for bloom and bower
Seemed ever with sweets a-drip.
Alas, what a change I have to rue,
When I come to examine the hive.
For the combs, that were laden at twenty-two,
Seem empty at thirty-five!
A ball was at that time my greatest bliss
(A dinner I now like best)
Qnadrille-waltz-polka -nought came amiss,
As a partner s slim waist I pressed,
My form was slim, when I gaily flew
Through the mazy waltz.to, dive :
I danced all the evening at twenty-two,
I'm a wall-flower at thirty-five.
I loved! How often in love I fell
With blonde or with sweet brunette
'Twould occupy far too long tell,-
(Supposing I don't forget)
But all of them jilted the lover true,
Who has managed however to survive.
Oh, would I'd the chances of twenty-two
With the wisdom of thirty-five.
Well, five and thirty is no great age-
As I see you're about to urge.
But I'm growing bald-headed and staid and sage,
And seem on the senile verge;
Yet though to my youth I bid adieu
I will keep my heart alive,
Nor'lose for the shadows of twenty-two,
The substance of thirty-five.

Weight versus Cost.
A SrDE contemporary says :-
The average weight, all the year round, of that portion of woman's clothing which
is supported from the waist, is between 10i and 16 pounds. Are weak backs a
All right for weight possibly- but how many pounds is the cost!
Multiply ten or fifteen pounds by how much to get that ? And as for
weak backs, how many husbands' backs are broken by such expendi-
ture ? Because though the waist supports the clothes, the husbands
can't support the waste.

BAcxK from the city-walls the red wave rolls,
And gentle peace descends upon the land,
Oh, joyous news for'the expectant souls
Who wait for dear ones in that conquering band.
Sound, clarions rattle, drums as on the war-worn track,
The Teuton's proud array triumphant marches back!
1. The one speaks no French, and the other no German,
The latter is PIEzRE, and the former is HERMAN,
And as neither the other one's meaning embraces,
They do nothing else but shake heads and make faces.
2. When descends on the Atlantic
The gigantic
Storm wind of this gusty season
Few folks care
To travel there-
And not, I own, without some reason!
3. Our grandsires they
Were mighty gay,
And many a stately ball
And gala fdte
With air sedate
Frequented at Vauxhall.
4. Come let us stray where Nature yields
A thousand beauties in the fields,
Kingoups, primroses, and lilies,
Violets and daffodillies.
5. In Switzerland, the brave and free,
You tow'rds the North will meet with me.
6. Oh, youth beloved, before your glass
Beware how too much time you pass;
For classic history can tell
The fate which once a youth befell,
Too much enamoured of the grace
And excellence of his own face,
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 207. Dowry, Grant : Dag, Oliver,
Wamba, Roan, Yesternight.
Two Roses; Selrach.

Accepting the Situation.
PERPBEcTION in Photography has, unhappily, not yet been arrived
at; a true artist, alive to this fact, takes your carte according to his

[We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselvet
responsible for loss.
Bxzzv (Winches'er).-Then attend to your Bizzy-ness.
PooR BUT PATRiOTIC.-Yes, we do. But the verses even if patriotic
must not be poor.
APOLLO.-You Apollo! What a lib-us!
G. G. B. (Sale).-No return.
E. G. (Macclesfield).-Y.u must bave been studying "Men of Letters
honestly criticized" We'll immortalise a couplet for you, omitting the
All men are fools, but differing in degree,
But the prime fool . .. is surely thee (sic)
You were all' right in the first line, because you'talk of a subject with
which you are personally acquainted. But the second took you out of
your depth.
OLD UNCLE.-NO, you ar'n't!
(Coleman-street).-Yoa really should not sign with a monogram.
How are we to answer if you do P
E. P. (Hounslow).-You had better apply to the Emperor direct.
W. (Lombard-street).-We fear the suspicion (how raised we know not)
that you were going to write its epitaph, killed the baby Hippopotamus.
E. W. (Smithfield).-Thanks.
BABY.-Go to bed, there's a good child!'
Declined with thanks :-Breechloader; C. H. R., Glasgow; C. D.;
R. M. T., North Shields; M. A. B., Hackney; G. G., Kingsland; D. M.;
T. D. R.; Wakeful; S. 0. L. D.; A. W. K.; A. G., Victoria Park;
E G. C., Middlesboro'-on-Tees; Bristol Bird's-eye; G., Old Kent-road;
W., St. G. W.; W. J. V. ; J. D. H., Weston-super-Mare; Toodles; Qy;
Zeta; H. W., Croydon; T. T.; C. H. H.; Glasgow; H. W., Southwark;
A. S., Threadneedle-street; W. H. F. A., Shorncliffe; 0. R. S. C., Ayles-
ford; G. M., Highgate Rise; E. L. C.; Zaran; J. F., Bolton; E. J. 0.;
Mac; Patrick; C. S. P.; J. J., New Hampton; C. H. E. H., Kilbumn;
B. B.; B. G., Rotherfield-street; E. H. P., Llangollen.


[MARCH 11, 1871.


The authorities at Scotland Yard have decreed
that all the police shall be vaccinated at once.
BROTHER Bobbies, come along,
Leave the beat, and quit the station!
Lo, the theme inspires my song-
Vaccination, vaccination!
Often, brothers brave, ere now
Beef has been our cold collation :
Here you get it from the cow.
Vaccination, vaccination !
Little thought the generous nymph
When cold meat was her oblation,
Cows erelong should stand us lymph-
Vaccination, vaccination!
Come then, brother, bare your arm,
Offer it for medication;
Thus your beauty guardfrom harm,
Vaccination, vaccination!
Brother Bobbies, haste along!
Hark, the doctor's invitation,
Join with me in votive song-
Vaccination, vaccination!

A good Hexam-ple.
AT Hexham a collier by name JOHN
LITTLr has been very properly committed
to jail for three months for smoking in
Acomb Colliery. It's quite right that he
should pay for the pipe-er-ror, and learn
in the seclusion of a cell how to abstain
from tobacco, when every puff may puff
out human lives.

WE greet the Cornhill with cap in hand this month; for does it not
contain a poem- and such a poem!-from our greatest poet, ROBERT
BROWNINO F Some people shrugged their shoulders when they heard
of its price being a hundred pounds; if one could get such poems for a
thousand when one wanted them, the money would not be too much.
But we must not forget in the splendour of Hervd Riel" that Lord
Kilgobbin" and "Harry Richmond" add their attractions to the
number. We can hardly think it worthy of the magazine to reprint
from the Atlantic, as it does in the Hawthorne papers.
Next to the Cornhill shall rank the new-comer The Dark Blue, with
an elaborate wrapper, perhaps too elaborate to last when The Dark
Blue bends over the oars a bit further on the course, and goes in for
the slogging stroke. But it is an exceptionally good number, with
the beginnings of two capital stories, some excellent general papers,
and very neat verse indeed. We have never seen a magazine start
with brighter promise.
For the Gentleman's Majazine it would suffice to say that it contains
a poem by the author of Fetus" and a paper by the author of
" Orion," even if we could not add, as we can, that its other contents
are very interesting and readable.
Be'gravia is pleasant as ever. Especially good and novel is Me
and my Pal." The only blot on the number is a set of feeble verses
on Snowdrops," though MR. MEw's lines do something to redeem
the number's character for verse.
London Society commences what promises to be a readable series of
"Studies of S:reet Life" by Ma. JAMEs GREENWOOD. The verseis an
improvement on former numbers, MR. CoLLINs's "Old Coat" being
admirable vers de socidte. But why was so suggestive a picture as "A

THE STANDARD, 7th March, 1870, in a notice of Mr. Streeter's
Catalogue, says :-" The practical information furnished is very in-
terestii g, and will no doubt be appreciated by those who may read this
useful Ltt J work."
CounT JouRNAL, 19th March, 1870 :--"Mr. E. W. Streeter, gold-
smith and jeweller, 37, Conduit-street, has issued a handsomely-bound
catalogue of diamond ornaments and machine-made jewellery."
UNITED SERvICE GAZETTE, 9th April, 1870 :-"Mr. Streeter, like his
great predecessor in the goldsmith's art, Benvenuto Cellini, combines
literature with handy-work, and publishes books respecting his precious
specialities, almost as handsome as the articles of which they treat."

Dream of the Studio" given without some lines to accompany it ? A
paper called Britannia speaks her mind is not worthy of L. S.
Temple Bar is a good number with two blots, Caught in a Trap,"
which is vulgar, and" Lunar Observations," which is silly. The other
papers are all capital, and the new novel Ought we to Visit Her P"
is so true to life and yet so amusing that every one should read it. -

Too much of a good Thing.
A CONTEMPORARY states that:-
The Rev. Robert Collyer, of Chicago, who is considered one of the best pulpit
orators in the United States, is coming to; England in May, to give us proof of his
Quality, good! But we trust he won't give us a sample of quantity
too; and we hope sincerely he is not the Reverend gentleman alluded
to in a Chicago print, which describing a funeral said The procession
was very fine, and nearly two miles in length: as also was the prayer
of the Reverend the Chaplain!"

A Love-Potion.
BIBvaus, who has long resided within the domains of the London
Water Companies, says that he has, thanks to the wretched mess
supplied him in the form of water, taken such a hatred to AnDs's ale,
that nothing can ever make him love it-not even a philtre !

A Cropper.
AN Anxious Agriculturist who wants to learn about Agricultural
Chemistry is recommended to study the Farmy-copoeia.

MORNING ADVERTISER, 12th March, 1870:-" It has claims on all
persons of taste, for its really beautiful designs and effective represen-
tations of the choicest patterns of the art of the goldsmith, with the
additional advantage, that they are all produced at the smallest price
beyond intrinsic value, that such elegant and rich specimens of orna-
ment can be executed. The book is in itself handsome and attractive "
PUBLIc'OPINION, 16th April, 1870 :-" The beautiful designs of the
various articles are engraved in the best style, and apart from the
information the volume contains, these designs, together with the ex-
cellence of the printing, paper, and binding, give the work an intrinsic
value, to which the idea of a trade circular is altogether foreign."

Printed b3 JUDD & Co., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprictor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London; March 11, 1871.



MARcS 18, 1871.]

REST you awhile, your bleeding wounds to bind,
Clench not your teeth and speak below your breath
Of future vengeance; but, with soul resigned
Tread the steep path that leads away from death,
And white-robed Peace shall you such laurels bring,
As blood-stained Victory ne'er o'er hero's brow could fling!
1. A tricksy sprite
By day and night
Around the witch still hovered,
But the clerk and the beadle
By aid of the needle
That naughty imp discovered.
2.1 met an old sweetheart of mine t'ether day,
And-it shows how the years must have flitted away-
She was aged and thin, and her nose touched her chin,
And she seemed to have rather more wrinkles than skin!
3. In the Temple Church the bishop lies,
With,mitre and crozier and paten and chalice;
And under his feet, if you use your eyes,
You'll see that he tramples the emblem of malice.
4. Little demons a dozen, or maybe a score,
Behind my eyeball crept,
At my nerves like ropes they tugged and tore,
Until I yelled and leapt,
Anal nothing would put the fiends to flight
But an application of aconite.
5. In Costa Rica
You must seek a
Certain bay,
And name it, pray!
6. When you hit DICK on the nose
And floored him in manner so comical,
You did not reflect, I suppose,
That you'd demonstrate facts anatomical-
That by straining some muscles to perfect rigidity
You were able to land on his conk with rapidity.
SOL TION or ACROSTIC No. 208.-Session, Debates: Scud,
Exuviae, Swab, Subpoena, Imprint, Oblate, Natives.
-Ruby's Ghost, Pimlico Tom Cat.

THi Queen has been vaccinated and wishes the fact known. We
have been vaccinated too. Lovers of the picturesque will be glad to
learn that photographs of the most interesting spots are to be had on
application. = Another fatal colliery explosion! Really if the Rail-
way Companies do not bestir themselves the Colleries will carry off
the palm for destructiveness. = A People's Edition of Carlyle is to be
published. The name of the translator is not mentioned. Books not
of much use to "the people" in the original Carlylese. = The mar-
riage of PRINCEss LouISE to be painted by BARNES. The Royal
Academy left in the cold among the out-houses! = Parties still want
to turn MRs. AxDERSON (Miss GARRETT) out of London School Board.
Why shouldn't there be one young lady when there are so many old
women of the other sex on it ? = Spain and Egypt have quarreled I
They have actually gone as far as an ultimatum! Whip 'em and put
'em to bed! = Goschen goes to the Admiralty. We know all about
the land of Goschen-but how about his sea-legs ? = Threatened
disturbances in Paris. Wouldn't it be a great saving of life, to hang
GAMBETA ? = The Greenwich Advanced Liberals view with surprise
and disappointment"-and hold a meeting to say so!-the appro-
priation of French Territory by the Germans. We fear they will
have to be surprised and disappointed until the time when the lamb
will lie down (exclusively, not inclusively) with the lion, and the child
will play on the cockatrice's nest without the chance of losing-if it
stirs the animal up with a stick-say, two fingers, Alsace and

Leave and License.
THE Home Secretary, in answer to a deputation headed by SIn R.
AeSTRUTHER, promised to introduce the bill for Licenses as soon as he
could get leave. He couldn't say fairer.

A CORRESPONDENT who sends as a motto for theatrical managers
"No-burlesque oblige is strongly advised to take leg-bail.


How they did not advertise when there were
WE do not quite know who is the inventor of the modern theatrical
advertisements, in which quotations from the opinions of the press are
given by the half-dozen, preceded in each instance by the name of the
play-as thus:-
DEADMAN'S POINT.-" It is certainly the best play Mr. Burnand has written.
We may safely conclude that Deadman's Point will run for a couple of years at
the least."
DEADMAN'S POINT.-" The melodrama will prove a real and lasting success."
DEADMAN'S POINT.-" It is the strongest sensation drama that was ever pro-
duced. If this piece does not succeed, no sensation drama ever deserved success."
Now there's no particular objection to this-unless the critics com-
plain! For it is a little damaging to their reputation that prophecies
uttered little more than a month ago as to the continued success of
this drama should be preceded as they are now by the ominous

An E-Norma-ty.
A CORRESPONDENT writes to say that he has read in the Broad Arrow
that the screw corvette Druid will shortly leave Sheerness. He wants
to know whether the Druid will be mistle-towed out. If he will call
at our office he shall be taught to mizzle-toed out I!

Cool I
COHARACTERISTIC modesty this of a Yankee woman:-
The Alta California states that a lady has written, inviting the Empress Eugenie
to lecture in the United States.
We fear the generous soul forgets that there is a possibility that the
Empress is not much of a hand at lecturing. But then we suppose
the charitable creature would get the played. out Imperial Highness"
a little plain sewing, or say washing;-French laundresses are so much
in request I



[MARCH 18, 1871.

.OUN OFFICB, Wednesday, March 15th, 1871.

HND in hand,
The conquerors dance,
To the music of a German band
On the red soil of France.
Round and round
They whirl without cease;-
A desolation, vast, profound,
They. make and call it Peace!
Year on year
Will France treasure up
Hatred, revenge, and sorrow here
Until she brims the cup.
Hand in hand,
Oh, conquerors, dance!
But a time may come, you understand,
For poor down-trodden France !

Sm,-I believe it has been said, upon good authority, that coming
events generally advise their arrival. I can bear witness to the truth
of the statement, inasmuch as I have by a curious combination of cir-
cumstances been informed of a glorious double event, by which all our
fortunes are certain to be made if we only take the opportunity by the
forelock, and prove ourselves worthy of the occasion.
The other night, I had no sooner reached home than I was seized
with a vision-seized so strongly that I at once sank down upon the
front-door mat. Restoratives were applied in the usual manner-my
neckerchief was loosened and my ears bitten, the former by the faithful
partner of my bosom, and the latter by my no less faithful dog; but'
all was in vain. Both, however, knew ly the smile that beamed upon
my noble brow that I was happy, and a short-hand writer of eminence
being providentially upon the spot, the inspired words which flowed
from my lips were saved from the obscurity which, alas, swallows so
much that is good.
I have since carefully edited the copy left by the affrighted reporter,
and find that my private information is as follows:-
I am standing upon a green and undulating meadow of immense
extent, surrounded by an excited crowd, each individual member of
which holds in his left hand a little book, and in his right a metallic
pencil. I see that I am the cynosure of observation, that I am
regarded with a deference and affection which makes me proud, and as
the unbidden tear wells into my ophthalmic organ the turbid-group
suddenly composes itself, and a voice, clear as trumpet sound, or noon-
day, slowly chants-
"A napkin round his head the prophet rears-
A napkin soaked with metallician's tears;
The betting-books are opened as he speaks,
And thus the oracle of opening weeks."
By some hidden power I feel compelled to answer him in his own
strain, and the divine afflatus descending all at once, my song bursts
0 vernal handicaps, be quick, come here,
Consult the startled gaze of troubled seer;
And as he sees the hippics fleetly pass,
If he can't spot the winner he's a hass."
[N.B.-The latter pronunciation is out of compliment to my
Immediately the scene changes. I am in a judge's box-I know he
is a judge by his flowing wig and gown no less than by his eagle
glance and impenetrable countenance. The sturdy steeds stand sad-
dled, the jeering jocks jump up-they are off-with lightning speed
they scour the plain-nearer and nearer they approach-the goal is
reached, the numbers go up, Symmetry colt has won the Lincoln
Handicap, and Syrian is second.
All is quiet for a moment, and then the voice I have before heard
again rings out-
"The National, the National, has ever been my joy-
I used to chase the steeples when I was a puny boy.
Ho, hither bring the obstacles, and let the augur see
The issue of the National, arace that's yet to be."
Darkness has descended like a thick curtain, it hangs for a. moment,
rolls up, and the Aintree course is spread before me. The process of
saddling is going on, and the distance is being measured (without any
definite result, however). A judge of a different court has taken pos-
session of the box, amid intense excitement the race is run, Pearl

Diver and' St. Valentine pass the post closely locked, and the
Liverpool Grand National of '71 is a thing of the past.
The scene changes. I am upon the banks off a beautiful stream,
spanned by a lovely wooden bridge, and I instinctively know that I
am at Putney. Sixteen stalwart youths approach to do me honour,
all beautifully dressed in, flannel shirts and straw hats, and as they
come near once- more the voice off the unknown singer is heard to
Fleet are the eights which struggle for the prize,
Swift are the strokes and many are the cries;
But there's a crew which licks them both for weight,
I mean the crew which mans the Chiawiek& Eight."
The beauty of this idea so overpowered me that I-awoke to find my-
self perfectly recovered, and yours sincerely, AUGSPUR.
P.S. Further remarks regarding the cruise on the Thames will
appear in my next.

THE other night, my dinner done,
I sat and sipped my wine;
The Athenaum I'd begun-
So drear a lot was mine!
But soon its dulness o'er my brain
I felt insidious creep,
I struggled with my fate in vain!
It sent me off to sleep.
I dreamt the most insane of dreams
That fancy could rehearse,-
For all things, rushing to extremes,
Of truth were the reverse.
I saw the very strangest sights,.
I heard the wildest news,
I viewed things in the oddest. lights
And in the queerest hues.
I visited the Commons House-
Oh, what a change I saw!
The country squires were full of nous,
The Rads were full of awe ;
DIsRAELI neither snarled nor bit,
GLADSTONE lacked eloquence;
And OSBORNE was devoid of wit,-
And NEWDEGATE talked sense!
I saw the Stage. No manager
Would risk a play's success,
Because he'd leading parts prefer,
And would have nothing less.
No companies of "sticks" were these,
With one sole star," that shone.
And nobody demanded fees,"
And "paper" was unknown.
The Peace Society complained
Our army was too small!
Teetotallers from bosh abstained;
And SPURGEON gave a ball;
The rich folks with the poor folks shared
All coin in bankers' hands;
And acred squires 'twas time declared
To re-distribute lands.
In literature all the fame
Was given to desert:
And if a youngster made a name,
No older hand felt hurt.
The Saturday to drive its team
Had TuPPER just bespoke,
When feeling that must be a dream.
I suddenly awoke.

The Heathen Chinee."
Oun theatre-going readers will doubtless learn with delight that : -
Some romantic plays were acted with great success lately at the New Chinese
Theatre (Wohang's), Hong-kong. The first piece was Leong San Pak's Visit to a
Friend," and the 'second, a contmuation of the firstwas "Chuk Ying Toi's Liba-
tion over a Grave."
The latter piece, we presume, was a farce, but the "visit," if it was
anything like our morning calls, must have been solemn enough for
tragedy. What we like about them is their style of title. Nothing
monosyllabic there! It's the kind of title that in the fitness of things
should belong to pieces like Mn. FALCONER'S Oonagh" and other


FUN. 109

MARcH 18, 1871.]

Ssubscribe to the
theory that if
there were no
bores in the
world pleasure
would lose half
its enjoyable-
ness; a wet day,
for instance, is
a bore we ab-
hor; but, with-
out rain, we
know that we
should have no
S- hunting, no
e peas, no cover
for our birds,
no soft water
for our tub:
Duns are a bore, but if we were not dunned by tradesmen, where
would be the gratification of being able to pay our bills;
The bore may have his mission, may even be of use, if you like, in
Society, but the fact of knowing this don't make us love bores any the
more, and confound 'em what a lot one meets every day. We are
hardly ass-enough to try and be a second Hercules, and attempt to
strangle the Hydra of Boredom; he's too like the other party, who
every time he touched his mother earth was more alive and kicking
than ever; he's not to be strangled, but we nay-we presume- talk
about him. Let us-more in sorrow than in anger-begin with
the soundd advice" 'giving bore : look at the four Reverend
Spanish Ecclesiastics delineated above ; three of the holy men,
you will perhaps be kind enough to observe, are utterly unsettled
in their -minds, upset, quite miserable, and perspiring from every
pore, because, simply because, the fourth holy man has thought it
his duty to give them his "candid opinion," and a bit of his mind.
We all know that sort of bore. Then there's the malapropos bore, who
when ,he meets you walking with o our elderly, and, alas, unfortu-
nately very jealous wife, pokes you in the ribs, calls you "sly dog,"
and says, "I'll tell your wife, you ruffian you": This IS my wife,"
you indignantly answer (you introduce 'em-Mas. PORTARLINGTON
SMITH, 5am. PoTus Arie). "O I really beg your pardon," he apolo-
gises, but I certainly thought that very lovely fairhair'd girl I saw

element. He finds out that you have not, or that you just have, been
vaccinated; in the first case he informs you that 1897 people expired
only yesterday and advises your immediate vaccination; in the second
case he tells you that vaccination is often attended with far more
serious consequences than anything else in the world, that it renders
you always more liable to softening of the brain, and hardening of the
vehicles of the cutaneous malacopterygious and sub-interior tissues of
the mucous membrane, and so on, on, on. Then there's the practical
joking, or bear-fighting" bore, who is sure to tell you when he meets
you in the park that it twas your house, or at any rate the one next
door to it, which, he heard, was in flames when he passed the end of
your street just now. Then there's the engaged-couple bore you meet
- and have to stay with-in a country house; aren't they a bore;
aren't they even an ubiquitious bore: If you go into the billiard-room
to knock the balls about, there they are with the present state of
their game . two love; if you go into the library-for a book,
there they are again; if you go to cut a rose for your coat at
dinner there they are in the gardens: there they are, in the drawing
rooms, morning rooms, dining room, breakfast room, greenhouses,
hothouses, everywhere; and always there just 'hen you want to be
there too, and you aren'tt interrupt 'em, or everybody would yell at
you. Then there's the bore who is just thinking of bringing out a
"little volume of poems," and would, Oh so like your opinion of a few
stanzas or so; O that my friend would only be good enough ..
NOT to write a book, JonBmight also have said. Then there's the bore
who is perpetually bragging of his shooting, knowing perfectly well
that he never shot anything in his life but a 30 dog or--a-a-
beater. You've the bore too who mixes your '20 port with water, and
who chews for ten minutes, preparatory to chucking'em away, your best
1/6 cigars; you've the pedantic bore, who objects to any other sort of
antic; you've the bore who has always (according to his own account)
a duchess-or at any rate a countess-dying for him; you've the
chemically conjuring bore who nearly blows the house up, and does

19 of damage before you can say FRED ROBINSON I ; then there's the
old china and marqueterie cabinet bargaining bore, who will insist on
taking you into filthy slummy purlieus to look at sham mediaoval
rubbish, and who tells you the price of everything he possesses even
to his socks and pocket-handkerchiefs; also the musical humming
bore ; the old Joe Miller-tary story telling bore; the bore who don't
"mince matters" with anybody, and the bore who does-with every-
body; the betting bore with his horse voice and ossy-fied heart; the
sponge bore, who never has any small change to pay his share of a cab
or what not, and who has invariably just emptied his cigar case; the
argumentative interrupting and contradictory bore; the spirit medium
believer bore (this species, as the spirits he delights in are not real, we
call the myth-elated bore) ; the spiteful, black-tongued, tale-bearing
bore ; the near sighted bore, who cuts you dead; the deaf bore, who
unfortunately woon't cut you at all; the melancholy bore, the frisky
bore, the borrowing bore, the pugnacious bore, the sleepy bore, the
important bore, and the invalid bore. The invalid bore, is a bore I
The bilious man with an indifferent liver is seldom amusing at the
best of times, for when he's a weak jeeur, he's generally a weak joker
-as with bad coffee the horrid chiccory's sure to predominate, so with
the bilious man his horrid jecur is sure to be his first thought-but
when he makes you his confidant about his pains, pills, pangs, poultices
and plaisters, Bohoo! isn't he a bore ? Does he expect to please you
by an account of all his sufferings, does he expect to grat(iy you ? or
is it, upon the dog-in-the-manger principle, as he's no appetite himself
he wishes to take away yours ? The invalid bore should go to bed,
and stop there. ....... at any rate till he gets better. Again there's
the board who always jejunely asks for "a little sherry," or "some
bread if you please," or what not-and lets you see his mind is intent
on getting it, and it only-just whilst you are telling him your best
and least known story; is he a bore ? rather! Upon our word, anico,
we are almost inclined to think that the wild bore of the woods is
better fun than the mild bore of the cities; one you can hunt, t'other
hunts you; one you can pot, t'others zpot you; one's head ts valuable
with a lemon in his mouth, t'other's is not at all valuable, with or
without a lemon in his mouth; out of one you may get ham, t'other
gets ham, and-confound him-eggs too, out of you; one chews
roots, t'other chews his che-roots, that is, chooses your cheroots ; one
eats trees, acorns, &c.,,t'other prefers to gnaw away at your mahogany;
one whets his tusks on anything suitable, for instance, green oaks,
t'other only wets his tusks with your best Pomerey and Greeno!!
Reader, the Stiggins and Chadband school will tell us that by
"feeding our enemy we heap coals of fire upon his head" ; it may be
so, but we regret very much, very much indeed, that we must say we have
never yet come across any one member of the genus bore who made
the very faintest pretence of acting as if he considered it was so, or
who, in the very least degree, objected to such a .............
coald coallation!

A, Review.
"He jests at scars," &e.,-and newspapers in this island may there-
fore we presume talk this kind of nonsense:-
SThe Prussian system of sham campaigns, lasting several days, the details being
left to the discretion of the officers in command, will be introduced into the British
army this year.
The Prussian system of sham campaigns, indeed I We should
imagine, judging from their last specimen, that it was a system of
particularly real campaigns : and we should think France was pain-
fully of our opinion. ______

WHAT vital objection may be taken to the policy of the Society for
the Abolition of Capital Punishment? It won't hang-Sir !


[MABCH 18, 1871,


1. Now Brown had a soul and loathed his menial condition. He 2. Through a concatenation of circumstances too complicated to describe, Miss Phmbe was
longed to tnub Jones. This was very natural, the aunt, equally, of Brown and Jones.

7. And poor Jones was fain to accept his menial

8. But the Aunt died and left it"
all to Brown.

9. Then Brown endeavoured to persuade the World that he wap
Brown; at first ir vain;

10. But Brown happened to kT ow the World,
a g!ass. And they soonpu; it all right.

NJ /

)I~ )








/ j
/~;I! Is'!!

F TU -N .-MAoCH 18, 1871.


N. i A

MARCH 18, i871.1



ALICE.- John Lockwood, how I love thee! Little dost thou think
it! And in proportion as I love John Lockwood, so do I hate Mr.
Pym, the lawyer's clerk. These are my sentiments in a nutshell. I
-do not mean to say that I have no views on any other subjects, but
they are not to the point, so I will not recapitulate them.
Enter M&,Pym, a foxy clerk, with gleaming teeth.
PYm.-Alice, I love yer, and would make yer mine!
ALICE.-Mr. Pym-I abhor you!
PYM (with remarkable knowledge of human nature).-Be mine-or I
will be yer enemy for life!
ALICE (upon whom this capital plan somehow fails).-Never! Leave
the house!
PYM.-Oh, urrevenge! urrevenge! urrevenge! (Three stamps (to
prepay postage) and exit. A full band, such as usually accompanies working
builders on all occasions, is heard, and JOHN LOCKWOOD enters amid the
clashing of cymbals and the bray of silver clarions.)
LOCKWOOD (to his band outside).-Remain without, but within ear-
shot, .and whenever I open my mouth, play soft music. (Apologetically
to audience.) It is always thus with builders.
LocxwoOD.-Alice! I am going to be married to Rose Raynor !
ALICE.-Married! You! To! Rose! Raynor! Ha! ha! ha !
LocKWOOD.-'Tis is a strange way of receiving intelligence.
ALICE (aside to her heart).-Down! down! down! Derry, derry
down! down! down! (Aloud.) But are you sure she loves you ?
Are you sure she loves you only ? Are you sure she is prepared to-
(recapitulates principal provisions of Marriage Service).
LOCKWOOD. -Alice, your excited eye, and your incoherent remarks
suggest that you may have been-but no-you never do. Rose Raynor
will be here directly. Receive her kindly. [Exit LOCKWOOD.
Enter ROSE.
RosE.-Alice, I'm going to be married to Lockwood.
ALICE.-But are you sure you love him ? Are you sure you love
him'only? Are you prepared to-(recapitulates principal provisions of
Marriage Service).
RosE (aside).-What an odd girl! (Aloud.) Oh, yes, pretty well.
He is comfortably off.
ALICE (aside).-She does not love him, and I do! He loves her and
he does'nt love me! Despair! despair [Exit ALICE,
TALBETON.-YOu were engaged to me, and now I hear you are going
to marry John Lockwood! False, false gyurl!
Rose.-I had forgotten you for the moment, Tarleton. Pardon the
oversight. I love you fondly and will cheerfully be yours!
[ They embrace.
Enter JOHN LOCKWOOD-full band.
LocKWooD.-Rose In the arms of another!
TARLETON (apologetically).-She loves me.
LoCKWOOD.-Then (working himself up into a terrible state of mind)
my curses-my bitterest curses on you, Tarleton. I will blight your
life! I will interfere with all your arrangements! I will inconvenience
you dreadfully. I will confound your politics! I will pray for rain!
I will run you up a semi-detached villa! I will increase the rate of
discount at the Bank! I will send my private band to play under
your windows. Thus-thus I devote myself to the destruction of the
man who dared to be loved by John Lockwood's fancy! Ha! ha! ha!
ALICE (to TAILETON).-Do not heed him: it is his builder's way.
ACT II.-SCENE 1. Ma. PYM's 0fie'. (Seven years have elapsed.)
TARLETON.-I want to borrow more money.
PYM.-Impossible. Remember that mortgage-money that my client
advanced you will shortly fall due.
TARLETON.- Not for several weeks.
PyM.-Oh, indeed. (Aside.) He little thinks it falls due to-day!
TARLETON.- By the bye, who is the client who advanced it ?
PYM.-I must not tell.
TAnLETON.-Oh, very well. [Exit TARLETON..
Enter LocKwoOD-who has prospered and made much miney since the
last-that is to say, the first act,
LocKwooD.-Is he gone ?
PYNt.-He is !
Locxwoon.-He does not know that the money is due to-day ?

PyM.-He does not.
LoCKwooD.-I lent him the money on the security of his country
house, Rosemount. I WILL GO AND FORCLOSE THIS MINUTE !!! (Solici-
tor's Journal and Law Times please copy.)
SCENE 2.-Rosewnount. Enter a group of creditors.
CREDITORS.-We must have our money immediately.
TARLETON.-Impossible. [Exeunt oinnes.
Enter LOCKWOOD, to melancholy music.
LocKWOOD.--I have come to foreclose. The process is simple. If a
mortgage debt is not paid the day it becomes due, the mortgagee hnas
only to walk into the mortgaged premises, without any warning, and
turn out the debtor by the moral influence of his presence. Now-
now, Frank Tarleton, I think I have you in my power.
Enter a Child.
CanLD.-You're a very ugly old man.
LOCK-WOOD.-How sweetly she prattles. This innocent child re-
minds me that I once heard a clock strike ten in my infancy. I was
innocent then! By Heaven, I'll be innocent now! (Reforms.)
TARLETON.-Lockwood! you here ?
LOCKWOOD.-Yes! The mortgage debt fell due this morning.
TABLETON.-Indeed ? (Aside.) I really think my solicitor Pym,
who is- also your solicitor, might have told me of this.
LOCK vOOD.-I came here to foreclose, but I have seen a child and
the unusual spectacle has done me good. Here is the mortgage deed !
(producing two sheets of foolscap). The beauty of Pym is that he don't
spin out his deeds by unnecessary verbiage. Behold, I destroy it and
my Private Band will celebrate the incident in the usual manner.
TARLETON. -The old man must have been lunching freely.
Enter PYM.
PYm.-John Lockwood-your bank broke this morning!
AcT 3.-Room in JOHN LOCKWOOD'S house. Friendly gathering of
tradesmen to celebrate, JOHN LOCKWOOD'S ruin, they propose health.
They eat beef. And JouN LOCKWOOD sings a very very very long sony.
They cannot stand that, so they go out.
LoCxwoon.-Yes, Alice.
ALicE.-Why don't you marry ?
LoCKWOOD.-I don't know any one who would have me.
ALICE (with all the audacity of perfect innocence).-I will have you
with pleasure, John.
(And this rather outrageous confession is made by Miss CARLOTTA
ADDISON with such extreme grace and delicacy that its outrageous cha-
racter is almost lost sight of.)
LOCKWOOD.-Well it never occurred to me to think of marrying you
-but now you suggest it, I think I will. At all events, I'll turn it
Enter TARLETON and his wife.
TARLETON.-And here is some document that proves that Alice is
entitled to several thousand pounds.
LoCKwooD.-That decides me. Alice, come to my arms!
ALICE.--My own John I [They wait and hope.
OURSELVES.-A piece that sets probability at defiance. It is, how-
ever, cleverly written, and the dialogue is bright and sparkling. The
construction on the other hand is decidedly weak. MA. TOOLE plays
John Lockwood with much homely vigour. It is not his fault that
John Lockwood's motive for persecuting Tarleton is ridiculously weak
and unreasonable. Granting that Lockwood has cause for his vindic-
tive conduct, MAi. TOOLE's embodiment of the character of a good
fellow transmuted into a social demon is everything that could be
desired. Miss CARLOTTA ADDISON played a pretty but difficult part
with a graceful girlish modesty that confirms the opinion we have
often expressed of this charming young lady's talent. Miss COOHILAN
also distinguished herself as Rose. Ma. VaiNON did justice to Frank
Tarleton, and Ma. TAYLOR over-acted the part of the lawyer. His
make-up was capital, and if he will moderate his intensity, little
fault will be found witi his impersonation. Ma. SOUTAn played a
small part capitally--so did a MRa. TEMPEST. The scenery is good.
The "law" of the piece is stage-law from beginning to end.

Taming the Shrew.
GLANCING over the stations of our various men-of-war, we are struck
with an instance of the usual Admiralty mismanagement. The Virago
is at Auckland, and the amanar is at Devonport, whereas of course the
Virago should always have the Tamar as her consort.

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