Front Cover
 Title Page
 September 11, 1869
 September 18, 1869
 September 25, 1869
 October 2, 1869
 October 9, 1869
 October 16, 1869
 October 23, 1869
 October 30, 1869
 November 6, 1869
 November 13, 1869
 November 20, 1869
 November 27, 1869
 December 4, 1869
 December 11, 1869
 December 18, 1869
 December 25, 1869
 January 1, 1870
 January 8, 1870
 January 15, 1870
 January 22, 1870
 January 29, 1870
 February 5, 1870
 February 12, 1870
 February 19, 1870
 February 26, 1870
 March 5, 1870
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00017
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00017
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page iii
        Page iv
        Page 5
    September 11, 1869
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    September 18, 1869
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    September 25, 1869
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    October 2, 1869
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    October 9, 1869
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
    October 16, 1869
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    October 23, 1869
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    October 30, 1869
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
    November 6, 1869
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
    November 13, 1869
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
    November 20, 1869
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
    November 27, 1869
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
    December 4, 1869
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 134
    December 11, 1869
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
    December 18, 1869
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
    December 25, 1869
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
    January 1, 1870
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
    January 8, 1870
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
    January 15, 1870
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
    January 22, 1870
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
    January 29, 1870
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
    February 5, 1870
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 223
        Page 224
    February 12, 1870
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
    February 19, 1870
        Page 235
        Page 236
        Page 237
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
    February 26, 1870
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
    March 5, 1870
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 261
        Page 262
    Back Cover
Full Text


0N V,

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T waa the fashionable hour in the height of the season-the
recise period for enjoying the Lady's Mile and the ladies'
ows. Conscious, yet modestly conscious, that he would be
-- greeted by the fair with the inclination of the heart as well as
S of the head, FuN strolled into the Park. A murmur of delight ran
through the serried crowd of rank, wealth, and beauty, as soon as
his presence was observed. Members of Parliament vied with
one another to attract his notice, and obtain a recognition, tho
{ news of which telegraphed with all the promptitude that the General
V Post Offoice is capable of, would in the course of a few days, more or
'- I less, reach their constituents in the country, and send a thrill of
mingled pride and joy through their breasts.
As he sauntered along leisurely, Cabinet Ministers did not
scruple to push their way through the surrounding crowd in order
to exchange a few words with him, and profit by the wisdom
which he carelessly concealed beneath puns and bon mots.
Very good Land Bill that of yours," he said approvingly to one
eminent member of the Government, but I am afraid even that
won't satisfy some of the Irish people. Where's BoB ? He seems
keeping out of sight-a little nervous about that taxation experi-
ment of his ? Well, we will wait and see what his budget is like
before we condemn him:-he succeeded to the muddles of a Chan-
cellor of the Exchequer whose party's idea of finance seems to be
limited to getting hopelessly in arrear. Tell FoRSTERa I think his
Education Bill a good oneb. I should like to have seen something
--more sweeping and decided, but of course everything is a matter of
compromise and this ought to pass without much of the meddling
which mars so many good measures. Good day "
A little further on he encountered another Secretary of State
anxious to obtain a word or two from him. "Well, my pattern of
Pall Mall reformers," he said, smilingly, "I am glad you have
kept your estimates down. That is as it should be. What is the
'latest news from Somerset House ? I hope the President is
better :-he is much missed. I don't see how the Irish Land Bill
can be properly discussed in the absence of a statesman whose opinion is so highly esteemed in Ireland. Ah, there's


BRUCE-he pretends he.doesn't see me He's not quite easy in his mind about his attempt to legislate for our cabs. But he
means well, so I shouldn't be hard upon him. Tell him so. It will relieve his mind. Au revoir!"
Before he had gone a dozen paces, he was again accosted by one of the Ministry.
Well, my worthy friend," said he, shaking the new comer warmly by the hand, "I am glad to see you are doing so much
at the Poor Law Boarxd But you and I are thoroughly aware that the whole Poor Law system is rotten, and must eventually
be remodelled eaibely.. Still you deserve great credit for making the best of it. I'll tell you what, if Her Gracious Majesty-
as she laughingly proposed when I dined with her at Windsor the other day-should confer the sovereign power on me for
twenty four hours, one of the first things I should do, would be to send you an order to hang a few St. Pancras Guardians "
"Conduct them to the scaffold instead of their BERE-if I may jest in your presence," said the other, with diffidence.
"BYou are forgiven," was the answer, as Fusi continued his promenade, meeting in a few minutes yet another Minister.
"Ahey, measmate, what cheer?" asked FPu, playfully going through a little pantomime, illustrative of the action of
hitching upsunh~aced nether-garments with tarry hands.
Come aboand, yer hoAMr?" answered the First Lord. Fleet in capital order, and expenditure considerably reduced.
Shall we enter it a& a rwueaedia orm at the Admiralty ? "
Make it so' said t&he Adasiral of the (universally) Read.
But at this moment a handome carriage and pair came towards the place where Fner was standing, and at a sign from the
lady -who gracediit, dew up by the railings. She was attired richly, but not extravagantly, in fabrics of English manufacture.
Fux hastened to the side of the barouche, tan was welcomed with a sunny smile.
"My dearest friend and councillor,'" said BRITANNIA, shaking him warmly by thae hand, "I am glad indeed io see yoau.
Thanks to youst advice.. y Ministes seem likely to. carry en the Uovernment in a igehly satistcetory manner, and tie session
promises to pasoer without ainy of the bitterness of party squabbles for place. I am glad to hear, too, that thewe appears to be
some hop of beof telf 'txa 4e and Colameroe, and I trust that the Ministry are considering your sugge"stons for relieving
the terrible distress nastag the poor.'
". They are thinking about it. but you wi3R have takeep them to the point 1by iequent eaquiries as to their progress,"
"I awiBi and truse our Gracious Majesty, the qM=, will do the same."
She bap so It was with deep regret thatI hear she had ben, suffering frol neuralgia. Unfortunately the only remedy
*w PAt at hark"
Wkat is that f"
My-new rolette "
WOf oursel I ought to hawe known that without asking.' Ah, my excellest fiend, how ean I thank you sufficiently for
nviceasyaoucone1i oime, thahbenefits witlih whih you Load me. Is there no way in which I can show my gratitude ?"
"By aceptmc g thief humrbe offering," said Fow, preseating kcis new Toluj.
Ab my bind friend, that is not displaying Bmy grritude, 1t is ooeaesing my obligation to you! "
At bhiamoment certain Royal Personagea ap)proaeed the carriage and playfully insisted upon FuN's accompanying them
for a ridt in Rtten Row. Pable toresist so grsei'os an inwiatioWo, FrW tore himself aay ftroQMi the fair dame to whose service
he is devoted, and rode off, leaving BRITANNIA reposing on her cushions, happy in Lhe pei-uiat of-

9t 1e6lj WRsmt of fl qf gain' 11 un.



S. .'Was a man of might;
Vassals twice two-hundred
Mediaeval manners
GUNDRED'S were, of
.' c.- And he marched with
S-And a troop of horse,
1 "r' To invade his neighbours,
And of fruits despoil
Of their life-long labours,
<' _---,_\ N Profits of their toil.
And he England swore
S- ~ Solemnly to vanquish
S- ~~- (Did he for the store
I_-- Locked-up in the Bank
-Anwish F)
-- And no doubt his name
-a- "Would reflect eclat back
In the scroll of Fame.
But for one slight draw-
2-r jThat one day the foe
Z- Chanced his brains to
Which, of course, you know,
Modified the matter.

And no Wonder.
WE learn with unmitigated satisfaction that as a sporting exquisite
was exhibiting his pigeon-slaying prowess before a select company
of ladies" (save the mark!) his gun-doubtless in disgust-"re-
coiled." '
Wno should be appointed Sculptor to the Society of Friends P-
Theed (oblige by pronouncing the th as in then ").

IN the Cornhill Ma. CHARLES READE out-London-Journals the
London Journal in startling interest, in the "Just at this moment-to be
continued in our next" style. Altogether the number is a good one.
Belgravia contains several readable papers this month, and a
violently sensational story. MR. SIDNEY 13LANCIIARD figures as a
gentleman in a red coat" as successf:'ly as if he were a gallant officer
of militia. The illustrations are neither better nor worse than usual.
London Society is a capital seasonable number. Especially good is
the view of the Row "At Albert Gate : "-so few artists give us the
real swells!
The Sunday Magazine is excellent as usual. The illustrations of
"The Crust and the Cake," "Forgotten by the World," and
"Samson," are alone worth double the price of the number. The
" City Man is good as ever.
In Good Words we have pleasant reading, and plenty of pictures.
But what was MA. GERALD MASSEY about, to begin with-and every-
body else, for that matter-to make such a blunder about carmina
nuptiale ? A singular adjective and a plural noun-it's the reverse of
OWEN MEREDITRH' curious bungle of Serbski Posme! Why will people
meddle with languages they don't understand? English would
answer the purpose very well, and it's no sin to be ignorant of the
Good Words for the Young is brimful of g.od reading, thanks to Dn.
The pictures-with the exception of those to Margot "-are capital.
"Miss Hooper is real jolly."

To the point.
THE now bayonet is to combine the properties of a cleaver and a saw.
It will in the first-named form be first chop, and in the latter case it
will be an unpleasant means of evi-serrating an enemy, should the
point ever have to be discussed.

The Right Nan.
WE are glad to see that the statue of OLTVER CROMWpTLL, for the
Manchester Town-hall is to be by Mn. NoBLE. "Shall CROMWELL
have a statue ? is an old question, and is best answered by this proof
that he was one of Nature's NOBLE-men.

VOL. X. ,

IF' U J [SEPTEMBER 11, 1869.

PUN OFFICOE, Wednesday, September 8th, 1869.
E E have not yet recovered from the paralysis consequent on the
collapse of the Great Corner House," when a fresh calamity
creates a panic in a new and hitherto unsuspected quarter.
There was a sort of instinctive belief that if a man insured
his life, and paid his premium regularly, he was safe. An Insurance
Company seemed something as solid as the Bank of England.
But the bubble has burst, and the general security is sorely shaken.
The calamities produced by the failures of banks are bad enough, but
from the very nature of its professions, a bankrupt Insurance Office
spreads even worse disaster. The savings of a lifetime, the struggling
toiler's provision for his children, the professional man's store for his
old age, the provision for the widow and the orphan-all these are lost
in the wreck !
The reflection is a sad one : but when we learn how the wredk is
accomplished the sadness gives place to anger and astonishment.
Recklessness and folly, gambling and financing, agents' fees and com-
pensation- the old story! Of a truth the company that can play
ducks and drakes with such money, and then calmly oleoes its doors
and suspends payment, deserves the name of Assurance!"

MIs. BEECHER STOWE made her first success by whte-*aMthig the
black. She is now trying to revive an expiring popularity by blahtea n
ing a white. Her real story of LADY BYRoN's life it about asMi
as the proofs she adduced to vouch" for the truth of Uncle Tow)'s
Cabin. As in that instance, so in this, she is detected in the most reck-
less assertions, and the gravest blunders.
We need not examine MES. STOWE'S story very minutely. This
quotation of one passage will be sufficient to expose the fallacy :-
At the altar she did not know that she was a sacrifice ; but before sunset of that
winter day she knew it, if a judgment may be formed of her face and attitude of
despair, when she alighted from the carriage on the afternoon of her marriage day.
It was not the traces of tears which won the sympathy of the old butler who stood
at the open door. The bridegroom jumped out of the carriage and walked away.
The bride alighted and came up the steps alone, with a countenance and frame
agonized and listless from evident horror and despair.
MAR. STOWE professes to have received the account of LADY BYERON'S
life from LADY BYRON'S own lips. Did her ladyship deal in this
" fancy reporting ?" The account is that of an eye-witness. If MaRs.
STowE did not receive it from LADY BYRON, and as she was not
present herself, there is but one conclusion to draw: that she has
hashed up this description-a purely sensational bit of fiction-like a
vulgar MAcAULAY in petticoats. This is not history, it is tall writing.
We decline to accept MRns. STOWE'S statements, and wait for DR.
LUSHINGTON to break silence, preferring the explanation of an educated
judicial mind to the gushing of a professional sensation-monger.

A Lesson in Spouting.
WHEN the poet commences his Autumnal Ode with the line
Lone blossom of the waning fields,"
does he mean by loan blossom" to indicate the pop-py ?

A Chisel.
WHY is a sculptor at work on a marble bust of the authoress of
Lost and Saved like a corporate tdwn in Oxfordshire ? Because he's
Chipping Norton.

The Cattle Plague.
WE have got tired of Ma. SIDNEY COOPER'S everlastingly repeated
cattle pieces. There is no question about their- Yes, there is
though! CuYr-bono ?

TuE number of people we have seen this season "done brown" is
perfectly astonishing.

IF a "monkey had the gift of speech, how would it commence ?
Be jabers !
OUR own PATENT.-The best Printing Machine Feeder.-The
MATERFAMILIAS, sorely against her will, has allowed Master TOM to
follow his bent and has sent him to sea;-what London Hostelrie does
he represent ? The Mother Shipt'un.

WHEN HARmY and JAcK, at the birds for a crack
Together tramped the stubble;
Though there fell to JACK's gun full many a one,
Yet the bag of friend HARRY scored double.
For why ? Because he had this, don't you see,
And it saved him a vast deal of trouble !
1. On festive board, in cricket field,
What various delight 'twill yield.
2. When in this style HUNT sang erewhile
What reader could resist him ?
The lines I pitch upon, in which
He tells you JENNY kist him."
3. At (EDIrus she gravely winks-
And Give it up P remarks the Sphinx.
4. If you've got the beginning and middle,
You'll find this concluding the riddle.
5. Beside the waves BarrANNIA's said to rule,
As a retreat you'll find it snug and cool,
6. This ybt1il find in a drama, which certainly goes a
Great ifity Miles in advance of Formosa.
SOLUTIro or AOnosgtw No. 129. &esie Holiday: Sash, Echo,
Admiral, S4aliti, Iliad, Diata, Expiry.
Co*u itSt Bntr.ro.. or Acaosric No. 129, MxEt uTb B tr. lt i-Haphazard;
Cemaacros; T,mrtay and Co ; D H.; Rtlby's Ghost; OGray' Gallivanting
Grenet; 8n.diS aid Snuffers; Dalziel Gottge; 4. A. H.; Left in Town; Brixton
us; Clar,; Leonuta;i O.. H.; Twepenny; Old John; A H. F,; Wellesley; J. H. L.

TO THE EDITOn Of "-or ."
Sn,-The -Patl All Grette the other day translated a paragraph
fromi a Vienna paper, touching Win-gies as their voieos. It says that
a certslk teRnor "drihks the brown juice of the gatbtinus." What
the juice is that ? I have heardot a certain legendary swell, GAMBRINU S,
king of Brabant, who is traditionally called the inventor of beer. I
think he is mentioned in Hans Breitmann. Is it possible that the
P. .M. G. has not hit on the right tap ? Yours,

Wheezy does it.
IT is difficult to estimate the full extent of the suffering caused by
our variable climate.-Harvest reports state that in some parts of the
country even the wheat is "husky."

'Hap-he's Right.
OUR timid contributor, taking a tour through Wales, never attempts
to pronounce the names he meets with-fearing an attack of Ap-
Shakesperian Conundrum.
WHY should mercy be ever a benefit to the light-fingered gentry ?-
Because it blesses "him that takes."

A-weel !
WE are not quite sure whether the best term to apply to those who
have run mad on the subject of velocipedes, is not cranky."

Maxim for the Million.
AcTION should follow thought. No farmer can plough a field by
turning it over in his mind.

NONE but the wilfully blind can deny that even that scourge-" the
bottle "-does its work.

GROWING PAINS.-Cucumber frames.
FEE SIMPLE.-The money which is soon parted from the fool who
goes to a quack.
WHERE the "Half-guinea" Trousers might possibly be appreciated :
In Af-ghani-stan.
How See the Conquering Hero comes should be played: On a
DINERS OUT.-City clerks who 'believe in public companies v.
private enterprise.
DESIRABLE STATE OF DESTITUTION.-Having nothing to reproach
one's self with.



71 -


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SEPTEMB3ER 11, 1869.]


% saiXLT x galttt,
S for PE.TSETTLLA she did not see the locket open and did not
notice the fall of the posy. I very much doubt, if she had seen
Tk it fall, whether she would have thought anything about it.
For, you see, she was told that the locket was the charm-that
her happiness and welfare depended on that gold and jewelled orna-
ment, and had never heard a word about its contents.
But somehow just as RAGGATTI picked up the posy PETSETILLA felt
that the morning was rather chilly. She gave a little shiver, and
thought to herself how silly it was to get up at that early hour just to
hear a little bird chirp. Her tirewoman was sound asleep, for the
princess never used to wake her to dress her at such an early hour.
But she felt this morning that it was very lazy of her attendant to
sleep on so soundly. She shut the window down with a bang and
suddenly determined to undress and get into bed again. But she
could not get to sleep again. She was restless and unsettled, and
tossed and tumbled and never clodad an eye until nearly nine o'clock,
so that she had just got into a nice doze when her tirewoman brought
her her early cup of tea. But PETSETILLA didn't want the tea and
didn't like being disturbed, and so for the first time in her life she
spoke crossly to the poor girl. And then when she had done it
she was angry with herself, so she vented her dissatisfaction by finding
fault with the tea, and at last turned over in a pet and tried to go to
sleep again. But she didn't get her nap until she cried herself to
sleep over the thought that she was very naughty and fretful.
But she never guessed the real cause of the change, and as for the
locket that had snapt to again, so that she would have no reason to
suspect its contents were gone even had she known that it ever had
anything inside it.
RAGGATTI had not had a very profitable night's work, but as soon as
he picked up the posy he turned his steps homeward.
I've been very lucky," said he to himself, very lucky indeed, for
besides the rags I've gathered-and I might not have found any at
all!-I've seen the princess and I've got a keepsake for REMsKx."
So he hurried homeward singing cheerily all the way, and so happy
and contented that he quite forgot he had had nothing to eat all night
until he saw the breakfast that his good wife had prepared for him.
And then he sat down and ate with a relish, and never seemed to know
that the bacon was a little rancid and that there were too many horse-
beans in the coffee.
He had not sat down many minutes before REMSKY made his appear-
ance. RAGGATTI would not tell his son about the posy till the lad had
finished his breakfast, for fear pleasure should spoil his appetite. But
when REMSKY was just ready to go, the old man told him of his
morning's adventure, and at
last produced 6K the little
withered bunch of flowers.
i REMSKY seized the poor
posy and kissed it reverently.
Then he folded it up in a
clean kerchief, and buttoned
it up beneath his jerkin over
his heart. And after that, as
it was time for him to go to
i f, 'I his work, he took leave of his
4/ j parents and hastened away to
in= ,the garden.
S"Poor boy!" said RIcG-
-, eGATTI, "I'm glad I was able
to bring it to him-though to
be sure I wasted some time
3 about it. I haven't collected
Y half as many rags as I ought
to have done-I've not done a
good night's work. But, my dear," said he, turning suddenly to his
wife, what's the matter with the bacon ? I didn't notice it till this
minute, but it tastes very odd! what can it be P-it isn't the coffee
is it P That doesn't seem as good as it should be."
You see RAGGATTI had parted with the posy now, and that made a
difference in him.
And what alteration did it make in REMSxKY why, none at all! He
was happy and contented already, and all the fairy posies in the world
couldn't improve his disposition in that respect.
But as FELICIA'S gift was thus entirely lost on the gardener's boy, I,
can't help thinking what a pity it was that PETSETILLA didn't get it
back at once, for she was fretful and peevish now, and all her at-:
tendants suffered for it, and suffered the more because they had never
known her to be anything but good and kind and considerate before.
Lawk bless us! said one of the waiting women to another as they
stood behind the Princess's chair while her hair was being done,

during which operation the -
Gold Brush and Comb inWaiting
caught it rather severely," Lawk k'
blessus, anyonewouldthink she'd :'
lost the fairylocket, only you can
see it's there round her neck! :
"What is all that noise P"
asked the Princess presently.
"If you please, yourHighness,
it's the peas being brought in
for the pigeons !" said the First
Lady in Waiting.
Now the Princess had seen the
peas brought in often and often,
but it seemed to her there had
neverbeen so much fuss and noise //
about it, so she looked out to see
howitwas that it annoyed horso.
She saw REMSKY superintending the unloading of the carts.
Dear me! what a handsome young man," said she; "it's a pity he's
not good and happy and contented, which he is not, for he has no gold
or jewels about him-not so much as a stud or sleeve-link!"
And REMSKY looking up said to himself: Fairest of Princesses, what
bliss it is only to look upon you. I am too blest to have the privilege
of being so near you! "
And then he went back to the garden and sowed a very largo letter
P in mustard and cress.

THERM was some consternation, I can tell you, in Aphania when the
Envoy of his Serene Mightiness FizrororF Archduke of Noxdorea, rode
into the market place; for it was evident from his wearing his helmet
wrong side foremost that he was bound on a warlike mission.
The Archduke's Herald, by name BRAMANTIP, was a person of com-
manding appearance. He rode on a splendid black charger and bore
a huge silver
clarion. His ,
tabard was L
broidered, and
a long white ld
ostrich plume k
adorned his
The armins of
Nexdorea wore
blazoned on
the Herald's
tabard and on
the banner at-
tached to his
clarion. The
arms of Nex-
dorea, I ought
to tell you,
ing to the
Herald's Col-
lege "gules,
on a bend, or,
a goose and six
gooselets wad-
dlant, in their
pride, proper:
crest, a blue-
nosed baboon,
proper, snorant
in an arm-
chair, argent:
supporters, two
per, cracked,
sable :-Motto, 'Poached or Pickled.' "* These armorial bearings, as
you may .suppose, looked very noble when embroidered in gold, silver,
and bright silks.
B.AMAxNTr reined up his charger in the centre of the market-place,
and blew a single blast on his silver clarion. Thereupon DisAnmis and
DIMAams, the Heralds of KING BUNoo, who had been duly informed
by post of the proposed visit of BILaAMTIr, took up their place on the
stops of the town hall, and despatched their pages BAnoxo and BoKAxnDO
to ask the stranger's mission and conduct him to the Royal Heralds.
The chief produce of Nexdorea consisted in ben's eggs, which were exported to
all the surrounding countries. Hence the allusions to poultry in the arms.

_ I --

12 13 iiT ANT. [S&PTEMBEII 11, 1869.


Desperate struggle for liquid refresh- FIZZER complained that when you Some fellows are deuced lucky in They 're off They come!
ment at Barnes. did get a bottle of BASS's other getting good places.
people shared it.

"Put down that umbrella," cried the crowd. BUITONS, of Cheapside. shrieks, Hurrah for Oa- Realizing his position: Barnes JoNEs thinks his wife will be glad
ford I Hail Columbia !" Cer- Common-twilight, and to hear Oxford won.
tainly," say both Nationalities. cleared.

I nHAv seen contests between rafts on the Neva. I have watched
the rivalry between the gondoliers of the Venetian lagoons. I have
noted the struggle between the swarthy bargeenos of the Manzanares.
I have marked the strife of the swarring skippers of the Mississippi.
I have beheld the contention of the caiquemutgars of the Golden Horn.
It only remained for me to view the brotherly agonism of the American
and the Oxonian, pacifically pitted against each other at Putney.
The day was one which the Puerta del Sol might have been proud to
own, or the Nevskoi Perspektif might have envied. It might have
warmed the heart of a Saturday Reviewer even. I hope it did, for I
always love my enemies. Did I not give tobacco to the tawny
Algerine, who was calling me an infidel, and uttering canine curses on
the tombs of my ancestors, and who thought the poor Frank couldn't
understand him ? Did I not put outside some real Bourbon the gentle-
man from Chicago, who wanted to bowie-knife me for a difference of
opinion as to the merits of English and American oysters ? Why
should I grudge a little sunshine to the liver of my friend the bitter
critic? He was there; I saw him; he wore a white hat. All great

men, except some, have worn white hats from the time of Caesar
downwards. Caesar wore a laurel wreath round his, instead of a band.
I have been in crowds a little at odd times. I have been carried off
my legs on the Boulevard, in the days of barricades. I have been
within an ace of a ducking in the fountains of Madrid, when there
was such a scrouging to catch a glimpse of Prim. I have been pretty
well rumpled at a big reception at the White House. I have had my
toes trodden on by the heavy boots of the Russian peasant, my ribs
compressed by the elbows of Neapolitan lazzaroni. But the sen-
sation of the mobbing along the riverside on the day of the Inter-
national Boat Race, did not-strange to say-recall any previous ex-
perience. As for the race I did not see it, for a stout gentleman,
whose professional services were, I think, devoted to the slaughter of
fat oxen, was planted in front of me. I was supported on my left by
a Transatlantic youth, and on my right by an enthusiastic Oxonian.
Behind me was the million. I couldn't turn right or left, and I
couldn't see over the stout party's head. kUnder these circumstances I
need say no more.

SEPTEM~BER 11, 1869.] ] _' N 13



CO MAIDEN sat at her
window wide,
Pretty enough for a
prince's bride,
Yet nobody came to
claim her:
She sat like a beautiful
picture there,
With pretty blue-bells
and roses fair,
And jasmine leaves to
frame her.
And why she sat there,
nobody knows,
But thus she sang as she
plucked a rose,
The leaves around her
"I've time to lose and
power to choose,
'Tis not so much the
gallant who woos
As the gallant's way of wooing "

A lover came riding by a-while,
A wealthy lover was he, whose smile
Some maids would value greatly.
A formal lover, who bowed and bent
With many a high-flown compliment,
And cold demeanour stately :
" You've still," said she, to her suitor stern,
"The 'prentice work of your craft to learn,
If thus you come a-cooing.
I've time to lose and power to choose,
'Tis not so much the gallant who woos
As the gallant's way of. wooing! "

A second lover came ambling by,.
A timid lad with a frightened eye
And a colour mantling highly.

He muttered the errand on which he'd come,
Then, only chuckled and bit his thumb
And simpered, simpered shyly.
"No," said the maiden, go your way,
You dare but think what a manwould say,
Yet dare to come a-suing !
I've time to lose and power to choose,
'Tis not so much the gallant who woos
As the gallant's way of wooing!"
A third rode up at a startling pace
A suitor poor, with a homely face,
No doubts appeared to bind him.
He kissed her lips, and he pressed her waist,
And off he rode with the maiden, placed
On a pillion safe behind him.
And she heard the suitor bold confide
This golden hint to the priest who tied
The knot there's no undoing,
With pretty young maidens who can choose,
'Tis not so much the gallant who woom
As the gallant's way of wooing! "

Drawing an Inference.
IF there is anything wrong with your mouth, you should not go to
a dentist, but to a chemist and druggist, because he can sell gums as
well as draw teeth.

Barbaric Thought.
CHINA is at length to experience the blessings (?) of the railway at
the hands of the Barbarians. Will the sleepers on the lines be of the
"willow pattern P Of course the plare-layers will be natives.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed, envelope; andid~elo not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
V. J. E. H. (Glasgow).-Conflb Wfiting is olealy not ybur vocation-be
warned in time!
"A LITTLE brother and sister" should be good' children, and curb their
destructive propensities, by not cracking a joke even.
CAPTAIN W. (Wells-street).-You seem to have been mistaking memory
for imagination.
HoMo (Weardale).-Your category of cats is not to the purr-puss.
"W. C. (Kingskerswell).-You should distinguish between the local and
W. (Lincoln).-Your magpie joke is as old as the opera-indeed we think
it was made on the magpie before the maid and the magpie."
BoB.-A farthing would more than equal such a Bob's worth I
GILBERT (Newcastle).- Thanks.
G. M. C. (Gravesend).-Don't be absurd.
J. T. (Kentish Town).-You could not have come to us with a worse
E. H. (Dublin).-Thank you.
H. R. E. (Stockwell).-We Irust the "Harvard harf-'ard" joke will not
run as long as the head-scenter I
A SunSOcarIB from the Commencement.- Sorry the rejection of your
MS. has hurt your feelings. With regard to the order, we need name and
Declined with thanks :-The Modem Shylock; C. C., Hawarden: G. G.,
Louth; A Boating Lunatic; J. R ; J. J., Manchester; J. A. P., hunder-
land; Doggie; Ridiculus; F. R., Mortimer-road; Haphazard; Theo;
C. K. J.,Dunoon; J. L., Liverpool; C. R,, Leeds; Nemo; M., Paris;
C. E. G., Mark-lane; H. H., Bristol; Formosa-Jane; N. B.; H. L. S.,
Glasgow; Dexter; G. F. S.; Volunteer; B. F., Leicester; Miss M., Wake-
field; Murshroom; Lord H.; C. A. K., Chester; E. E. S., Selhurst.

NOTICB.-Noo ready, the Sixteentl Half-yearly Volumd of SU, being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post'free, 6s.; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. eao.

I t- __ .

14 F J .F N. [SETEMBI Rx 11, 1869.

/, ------ ---

Curious Similarity of Fashion in the char-woman and the charming woman.

W'Wy have found a treasure Let MR. BOUCICAvLT look to his laurels and his profits;
a let M4x t HATTErTON at once purchase of MESSRS. SIMPKIN AND MARSHALL a copy of
Colour; or, the Island of Humanity; a drama in three acts. Its object is "to make the
popular attractiveness of sensational and romantic incidents subservient to a moral end;
this exhibition of the lan talionis may lead some minds to wholesome reflection, while the

story it is hoped will be full of interest for the
hour to all who read it or witness its produc-
tion." For the hour! It is a joy for ever!
We won't spoil the reader's enjoyment by re-
vealing the plot, but we will quote a couple
of songs, and the stage directions, in hopes
that the Oxford eight at Drury Lane will lose
no time in learning them-it will beamore dif-
ficult task than feathering, we can assure them.
Kidnapper's Song.
Chorus:-White slave! t, t, t!*
Black lord! Klh, klh, klh !*
Ha, ha, ha!
Tia, tla, tia, tla!t
Ho, ho, ho!
Klh, klh!i
Hark to the tide!
Ksh, wsh, wrh, wl' !t
Steady, stand still!
Tsb, tsh, tsh!b
Soon as the wave returns,
Wh, weh, wrb, wesh, ksh !t
Bun with a will.
Where the whites lie asleep,
There on them noiseless creep. [Snore.] [
Wh, wch, wrb, wsh, ksh !t
Wsh, wrh, wlh, wch!$ [Snore.] {
Startle their dreams away!
Shout the alarm !
Then like a lightning-flash,
Snatch at each arm !
Chorus:-White slave! t, t, t !-
Black lord! klh, klh, klh !
Ha, hi, ha!
Tia, tla, tia, tla!+
Ho, bo ho!
Klh, klh!
Sounds marked are clicks or sections; t* from
the point, klh* from the side of the tongue.
+ The sound tla+ is a loud flap caused by sucking
the front of the tongue from the back of the mouth.
The sounds marked T are prolonged sibilations
with no vocal sound. Their effect is highly imitative.
II The snore is to be snored, not spoken.
I With very soft and slow staccato-utterance.
Overseer's Whip-Song.
Swing the cat,
Whit, F,* ah !
Ha, ha!
Tit for tat!
Whit, F,'* oh!
Ho, ho!
Whit, lh, ah, oh I
Whit, lh,* ee!
Retribution is our law,
We have felt the cruel claw.
Strike again!
Whit, F,' ah!
Ha, ha!
Are we men
Whit, F,* oh!
Ho, ho I
Whit, lh,* ah, oh!
Whit, lh,* ee!
You have taught us what we do,
See our former selves in you!
The sounds marked are inspirations expressive
of pain. The word "whit" is pronounced without
voice, and accompanied by the action of striking.
We must admit we cannot quite understand
all these directions. We are at a loss to make
out how "wh," "rrrrh" can be "sibilations"
-with or without vocal sound; but then we
have had no opportunity of judging of their
"highly imitative effect." Then, again, we
are more puzzled to understand how to pro-
nounce whit" without voice!
We trust Mn. CHATTERTON will lose no time
in securing this extraordinary effort of genius,
and let us have the joy of "witnessing its

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
list of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable eare and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at onee the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, 8.E.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phanix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at A0, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Sept. 11, 1869.

SEPTEMBER 18, 1869.]


You ask me why I cough and sneeze,
And how I manage to exist
Where all I see is early mist,
Or, early missed is all I seize ?
It is a land of shop and till,
Where actresses affect trunk hose,
And ballets destitute of clothes
The rampant cad with rapture fill;
A land where futile Government
Let loose a mob upon the town
To pull the Hyde-park railings down,
With BEALES, M.A., for president.
Where beer is drawn with foaming head,
And Art's prolonged to make life short,
Where logwood tints the crusted port,
And bones and alum make the bread.
Should BARNBY'S Union institute
Such changes as shall make it crime
To sing B flat and that sublime
Chest A of REEVES be ever mute.
ThoughPowER's Greek Slave,chainedhandtohand'
Should rank as sculpture really great,
And though the Thames Embankment wait
Fpr streets to joint it with the Strand-
I can't join CooK's Excursions South,
To Palestine or Pompeii,
A wife and children nine have I,
And barely live from hand to mouth.

Quite a New Move.
FUN, OLD BoY,-I went out on "the first" to have a
crack at the birds, expecting a good day's sport, but,
will you believe it ? my gig-lamps went out too-conse-
quently, it was all up with MY-(n)OpE.
[Our correspondent's experience with, or rather with-
out, the partridges should have received earlier notice,
but, strangely enough, it was pigeon-holed.]

IN what part of Paris do they make the best Bi-
cycles ?-In the Two-wheel-eries.

THE new series of Once a Week is commenced with spirit and smart-
ness. There can be no reason why it should not be a success if well
carried on, and we shall be glad to see it prosper. Apropos of a little
note in it;-" a fiddlestick's end" having been described to mean
nothing" because old fiddlesticks ended in a point, the writer of the
note asks "How can a thing which ends in a point be said to terminate
in nothing ?" He has forgotten Euclid's definition, A point is that
which hath no magnitude."
St. Paul's contains a very sensible paper on Burlesque," with other
articles of the usual calibre in this best of magazines. The State of
Parties is a very clear and clever essay.
The Argosy is welcome with Johnny Ludlow to the fore again.
Tinsley's Magazine has an interesting article on Croquet. Altogether
the number is a capital one.
Temple Bar is very readable this month, the padding being much
above the average of the magazine.
The 8t. James's is to be congratulated upon the decided improvement
in its illustration. Its literary contents are good, an article on Our
Minor Poets" being one of the most amusing papers we have read for
some time. "A Life's Assize is welcome back again.
Nowadays is not to appear for some months, its next number being
announced for December. We trust it is a case of "reculer pour
nieux sauter," and that the suspension will not injure it.
We gladly give a word of commendation to an unpretentious little
magazine, entitled 5, Bow Churchyard, a periodical written and sup-
ported by the members of the establishment of MEssRS. COPESTAKE AND
Co. While we see from the reports in the magazine that athletic
sports are not overlooked, we are glad to fid to find the employs exhibiting
literary tastes, which cannot but raise them above the level of the
music-hall and bar-parlour. The papers are unaffectedly written, and

"*^M -- '->-is--..-

Old Lady:--"WHy, I BE oN so80 PALM AS TItA OHURCI, TERiE'S A

the verse-though that is not saying much for it-will compare with
the average of magazine-poetry.
We have also to acknowledge the receipt of The Young Ladies'
Journal; The Naturalist's Note-book; Scientifle Opinion, and the
Carlow College and Gardener's Magazinee.

A Comical (l)attitude.
EUGENE, Oregon, has an ordinance for the punishment of any person
"lying drunk across the sidewalk." A man recently arrested for that
offence was discharged by the magistrate because the evidence proved
him to be lying along the sidewalk in a longitudinal direction."
This calculation of longitudinal will allow the topers to take a con-
siderable latitude.

Pen-ny Wise.
WE see that "the reports of the Porcupine Expedition will be
published shortly." We presume the expedition finds its own quills.
If not, we trust that the proper authorities will on this head-jog its

Sighed at the Seaside.
WHAT is the use of blowing up a brass-band ? Why even the
fellow who comes to collect coppers is blest with so happy a disposition
that when he hands round the hat, the more you pitch into it, the
better he is pleased!

WHICH of his relatives is a habitual criminal the last to desert ?
His haunts.
ADVICE TO RIDERS OF BIcYCLEs.-Study the modus-upper-hand-i.




[SEFi:,iEEn 18 1869.

4F4.VUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Septembner 15th, 1869.
T is consoling to think that whatever may be the results of Mis.
BEECHER STowE's Byronic revelations, her motives are beyond
the reach of suspicion. If she had published her defence of LADY
BYRON immediately after the publication of the Gurocomi book, if
she had put it in the form of a letter to the papers, if she had confined
herself to a concise statement of her story and a verbatim report of
LADY BYRno's confidence, we might have pardoned indiscretion, im-
becility, and injustice, for the sake of the generous friendship which
led to them. But as she has allowed time to slip by until she could
make profitable arrangements, as she has by simultaneous publication
in American and English magazines made the best terms, and as by
spinning out her materials into d sensation article (full of blunders
which strict veracity would have avoided) to make the most of her
bargain, there can be no two questions as to what promptedher.
For the everlasting dollar,, and to revive a most deservedly expiring
fame, she has-under psetence of vindicating one who needed no
vindication, least of all against a GuICcoLI-flung filth on two dead
people who cannot defendl themselves.
Shame on such a cra*-g for notoriety! Fie upon the woniaw ho, in
order to make herself conspicuous, is not above the indelicacy of
scrambling up the statue of departed genius, leaving her dirty marks
as she goes! __. .
WE hope that all thsse interested in law-reform will note a sug-
gestion for an amelioration of our statutes offered by :the case of
CLEMENT HARWOoD, brought before the Lord Mayor the other day,
charged with robbing a -firm (of which he was a clerk and his father a
partner) of fifteen thousand pounds in a most deliberate antdingenious
The evidence was conclusive, but ere the trial was concluded the
prosecutor abandoned the case, and the Lord Mayor allowed him to
withdraw, feeling the interests of justice were not endangered by
such a course." In other words, a clever scamp is sufficiently punished
if he be only threatened with prosecution. Let us then as a proper
measure of law-reform abolish all the expensive processes which follow
on prosecution. Let it be sufficient henceforth to say to a criminal
after the preliminaries, "consider yourself condemned (as useful a
formula as consider yourself kicked "), and let him go and- "'blot out
the crime by a new and better career."
To be- serious, the case is a blot on our legal system, and points
strongly to the need of a Public Prosecutor. If, as the Lord Mayor
said, it was necessary to "-institute the prosecution in the interests of
the public," it should have been pressed to its bitter end by a public
official, not have been allowed to drop.
We regret to think the case is another illustration of one law for
the rich, another for the poor." If the prisoner instead of being
CLEMENT HARWOOD, son of one of the firm, who by well-considered,
craftily-managed, long-continued fraud, embezzled fifteen thousand,
had been BILL SMITH, struggling clerk, overcome by sudden tempta-
tion, taking fifteen pounds aye, fifteen shillings that passed
through his hands, would the Lord Mayor have considered-that the
abandonment of the prosecution did not endanger the interests of

Much Virtue in an Or."
THE Pall Mall Gazette was to bring back the golden age of litera-
ture. Well, it is certainly an "'or "iferous journal, and frequently
deals in or "-true tales. Here's one of them.,
A grouse moor or a deer forest have no more claim to be regarded as part of the
national wealth because they produce a high rent, than a concert or play have tobe
regarded in that light because people will pay large sums for a place at them.
A classical friend shrieks at this parse-ye my-eye We should
have said, a moor or deer-forest has," and a concert or play has "-
but then we do not write leading-articles for the P. H. G. To put it in
Pallmallese, "the Gazette or LINDLEY MURRAY are wrong," that is either
the Gazette are wrong, or LINDLEY MURRAY are wrong, but whether it
are or he are we-well, we has our own opinions.

A New Thoroughfare.
WE understand that it is in view to petition the Board of Works to
alter the name of Holywell-street, and call it Boucicault's Buildings.
Of course London improvements must ere long compel the abolition of
that thoroughfare altogether; but possibly that will be of the less con-
sequence as the notoriety of the name will have expired by that time.

DOUBLE AC 'O ST,:O.,,: No. -;'3 2. -
WE read a strange, sad tale of shame,
That's told to make a noble name
Less dear to hearts that still UL'ii,.
In his great genius, yet we grieve
The less, for from her lips the tale -
Of calumny will surely fail.
1. He told the lovely lady just to put aside her hair,.
Lest the life-blood should bedew it as he fell before her there;
He knew his fate was certain as he hung upon her kiss,
And the fatal Three surprised him, and the end of. all-was this.
2. A grave man this, at least at school we knew
His words read solemnly, his views were true;
And yet he made dry jokes, and'manya one
To this day lives, embalming oft a .pun.
3. A brilliant knight
Went out to the fight,
And over the foemen he rolled,
The surcoat he wore
His cognisance bore,
And the colour was gleaming with gold.
4. The oldest of all olden stories,
The fairest of all pretty tales,
He tells, while her eyes' azure glories
Each tress of her auburn hair veils.
5. Did the kiss, I wonder, wake him when he slept beneath the moon-
Happy mortal, and a goddess came to gaze on him and ". spoon ?"
But 'tis stranger still to see it as it now goes o'er the seas,
Flying westward with the dolphins, and a cheery western breeze.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 130.-First Birds : Fib, Ibi, Reservoir,
Salad, Tongs.
pool; Bellum; B. P. R.; Old Maid; .Two'Olapham Contortionists; T. F. I. ;
Old Mortality; Egham; Sapiented; Bis dat; Tiny Ditton; Nemo; Napier; Donkey
Doddy; 3 Carshalton Fools; Tom and Jem; Long-legged Louisa.; Fylde; Gray's
Gallivanting Giants; Flora D.; Slodger and Tiny; Old Barnacles ; D. E. H.;
Ceiriog and Llwynog; Thomas and Ceilings; W. T. P.; Old John; G. P. S.;
Old Cider Eye; Tiglath Pileser.

Free and Easy.
SMALL blame to- any man for according a cordial response, on a
fitting occasion, to a convivial sentiment. But such tokens of good
fellowship are clearly out of place in business hours. Taking a
hurried luncheon at the S. and P. buffet on the Metropolitan Railway,
- the following, in staring letters, met our eyes, just as we were raising
a glassto the lips, "To the City Trains." We declined ;-considering
the proposition of such a toast at such a time to be a piece of the most
unwarranted impertinence.

From the Shires.
THE thorough JoHN BULL sturdiness of character,-inseparable from
the well-to-do British farmer, is manifest in the following clipping
from the Gloucester Journal:
I Hereby Caution all Persons NOT TO TRESPASS on any LAND rented by me, in
pursuit of Game, or otherwise, as I will not be trespassed upon.
S* Upton St. Leonard's, August, 1869. a *
How long will it.be before the law of copyright is so far amended as
to enable the pen to state as emphatically as the plough-"I will not
be trespassed- upon ?
A SCKOOLMASTER the other day was explaining to his class the
difference between the Latin pronouns iste and We.. "Ills means
that yonder, iste this near," said the pedagogue. Then turning to the
sharp boy of the class, he said, as he pointed to a distant range, "What
is that?" Well," said the boy, "I should call them misty, but I
suppose they are illyy."
Changing the Subject.
TnHE Penny Mechaneic gives some instructive particulars concerning
"The Tenacity of Fibres." What an interesting article might be
written on "The Tenacity of Fibbers "-we fancy that we could
spot some people whose whole lives have been one gigantic
PEOPLE who let the grass grow under their feet: Aeronauts.
NEw and Improved Name for a Notorious Board of Guardians.-
THE first of September and the first partridge legitimately dropped
this season arc much alike-both fell" on a Wednesday.


F U N .-SEPTEMBER 18, 1860.





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,M III I I I I II t"l- l l II Ili 1 11 41


-ZZ --Z--z-



SEPTEMBER 18, 1869.] 1 N 21

(Continued from our next.)
THE world, it has been said,.knows nothing of its greatest men.
The world knew nothing of TIMOTHY TOTTERS. Therefore TIOTYa
TOTTERS was one of the world's greatest men.
The world knew nothing of TIMOTrv TOTTERS. Nobody knew
anything of TIMOTHY TorrERS. He didn't know much of himself;
others were obliged to teach him when he went to school. In early
life he and himself were not on speaking terms, and it was not until
he was of mature age, that they had a bowing acquaintance in the
looking-glass when he was shaving.
TIMOTHY was a young man. Yet, though he was some years
younger than his father-or even his mother-he was not excessively
young; at least not invariably. As a rule he was no younger than
most lads of his age. It has been stated on good authority, that
before he was a young man--indeed almost before he was a boy-he
was a child. He has in fact been heard to say that he began life as a
baby; but even if this be true it is not such an original trait in his
character as to claim the title of genius or even eccentricity.
We have ourselves heard from his own lips that he got his schooling
as a boy; but unluckily it did not occur to, us at the time to ascertain
whether he went to school, or school came to him. In either case,
however, the result was the same.
As he grew up he grew down, which compelled him in course of
time to purchase a razor. This is the only anecdote of his early career
which has reached us.
He was about three and twenty when he became attached to a lady.
It was owing to the handle of his umbrella catching in her lace-shawl
at the Crystal Palace. But nothing came of it. Three years later he
met with an heiress. He had met with several-probably many- in
the interim, for he always walked to business, and lived at Brixton.
The name of the lady was PERRY WINKLE-and pin money was
therefore no object. Nevertheless TIMOTHY laid his hand and fortune
at her feet. She told him he might keep the hand as it was of no use
to any but the owner. He asked her if 'she would bear his name.
She said she would if he did not mind carrying the thickest end. He
begged her to name the day. She said she thought it was the day
after yesterday or the day before to-morrow, but could not be sure
which without consulting the almanac. He next entreated her to
share his lot. She said if he had a LOT already that would amount to
bigamy; but on his explaining his meaning she consented to littlemy.
They_ were subsequently married. Both of them were. Each was
married to the other, and both, in the words of the poet, were married
to the two, mutually.
They had a family. It consisted of a husband, wife, unmarried
sister, and a boy and girl. The first three took their first floor which
they let furnished. The last two were born. So were the others
probably-at least there is no evidence to the contrary. But the last
two were the children of TIMOTHY and his wife. The others were
their lodgers.
Their lives were uneventful. TIMOTHY was buried in the course of
time, and Woking cemetery. As his wife lived to be his widow she
may be said to have survived him, more especially as there is ground
-at Woking-for the belief that his decease preceded his funeral by
several days.
His relict behaved with spirit. Though she had lost a husband,
she did not p out handbills, but cried him herself. She did not
recover him. But she found another.
We may add to this brief record of TIMOTHY TOTTERS one little fact
which speaks volumes for his kindly disposition and manly courage.
After he had turned sixty-five, although of considerable ago, he never
one moment hesitated to grow older.
With this touching tribute to his virtues, we must close our notice.

"A MATCu is about to be played," says a contemporary, "on a novel
principle by the North of Ireland Cricket Club. The contest is
"Liberals v. Conservatives." We are glad to learn that there is a
chance of any principle at all in such a political contest-its introduc-
tion is certainly novel enough. Under the circumstances we presume
the bowling will not be underhand.

Art Note.
THE portrait of the present Lord Mayor has been painted by Mn.
EDGAR WILLIAMS. The portrait of his Lordship's successor will of
course be "after LAWRmNCE."

THE LATESTsNEws."-Just published, a new volume of FrN.

ALL vainly have minstrels and poets divine,
With music mellifluous ceaselessly sung,
That life's sweetest sweets are the pleasures that twine
Their tendrils to garland the path of the young;
For wise to my sorrow, I ever shall hold,
The best of its treasures belong to the old.
Oh, Youth is engirt with the fetters of care,
Disheartening drawback, misjudgment, and slight,
While Age, in each action as free as the air,
Still moves in a world of untrammeled delig t;
And youth's brightest pleasures seem cheerlessly cold,
Compared with the comforts.enjoyed by the old.
To kneel to the fair, and be promptly refused,
Or snared by a huntress on Hymen intent;
To have every act of politeness abused,
And marriage presumed-on, when nothing is meant.
To fall into traps, and be quartered and hung,
Are blisses that lie in the path of the young.
To bask in the smiles of a bevy of dears,
And be by the dainty ones coaxed and caressed,
To have wondrous secrets reserved for his ears,
And sunny heads laid on the breadth of his breast,
Without a suspicion that Mater may scold-
Are raptures that only exist for the old.
To sacrifice comfort to Fashion's demands,
And wear through the dog-days the hottest of clothes-
A heat-soaking helmet, skin-tights on the hands,
And corn-propagators to comfort the toes:
To live in hot dread of the world's wagging tongue,
Are charming sensations enjoyed by the young.
But through the hot summer to know the delight
Of gossamer garments conducive to ease;
The soft, dimpled, sugar-loaf head-gear of white,
And cool inexpressibles, bagged at the knees-
Defying all tortures the fashions enfold,
Are joys that are claimed as the rights of the old.
To lack recognition of genius and worth,
To have burning eloquence set down for rant,
Profoundest philosophy burked at its birth,
And beautiful sentiments sneered at as cant.
To see all one's actions misjudged, are among
The special delights of the fortunate young.
Enthroned amid dullards from morning till night,
With ponderous platitudes bursting, to sit;
To prose on unceasing, and find with delight,
Pretentiousness swallow'd as wisdom and wit-
To palm off old pewter on people for gold,
Are comforts that gladden the hearts of the old.
Oh, poets may warble whatever they will
Of the joys that belong to the season of Youth,
But wide to the breezes one minstrel shall still
Proclaim on the housetops the sorrowful truth,
That all its enjoyments are hueless and cold,
Compared with the raptures reserved for the old !

Any Green in it P
A CONTEMPORARY sees in the Belfast election a sign of the benefit
produced by the Irish Church Bill. It professes to see it in the fact
that the electors instead of going in for the old colour of Orange have
elected the HUGH DE GRaY- and SExMOuR in it. We trust this view
is not tinged with coeleur de rose.

A REPORT has crept into the papers that the PRINCESS or WALEB'S
children at Wildbad "take to donkeys." Scores of British snobs
have at once left for Wildbad in the hopes of attracting the patronage
of infantile royalty.

Fashionable Intelligence.
THE EARL and COUNTESS OF WARWICK have left town on a visit to
the EARL or WEMYSS. A wemyss-ical follow of our acquaintance has
written a pretty ode on their departure. It commences thus-" Oh,
WARWICK, how WE-MYSS you."

22 F U N [SEPTMBER 18, 1869.



1. Tias is the immaculate borough of Bilgewater. posed the promising young nobleman brought forward by the energetic
2. This is the energetic lawyer who was agent for the Tory party lawyer, who was agent for the Tory party in the immaculate borough
in the immaculate borough of Bilgewater. of Bilgewater.
3. This is the promising young nobleman brought forward by the 11. This is the ardent politician who undertook to make general use
energetic lawyer, who was agent for the Tory party in the immaculate of the argument that overcame the reason that induced the virtuous
borough of Bilgewater. elector to resist the overtures of the man who came down from the
4. This is the wealthy merchant, who opposed the promising young moon to counteract the influence of the patriotic publican who attended
nobleman brought forward by the energetic lawyer, who was agent for to the voters in the interest of the able attorney, agent for the Liberal
the Tory party in the immaculate borcugh of Bilgewater. party, who supported the wealthy merchant who opposed the promis-
5. This is the able attorney, agent for the Liberal party, who supported ing young nobleman brought forward by the energetic lawyer who was
the wealthy merchant who opposed the promising young nobleman agent for the Tory party in the immaculate borough of Bilgewater.
brought forward by the energetic lawyer, who was agent for the Tory 12. This is the extensive employment by the ardent politician of
party in the immaculate borough of Bilgewater. the argument that overcame the reason that induced the virtuous
6. This is the patriotic publican, who attended to the voters in the elector to resist the overtures of the man who came down from the
interest of the able attorney, agent for the Liberal party, who sup- moon to counteract the influence of the patriotic publican, who at-
ported. the wealthy merchant, who opposed the promising young tended to the voters in the interest of the able attorney, agent of the
nobleman brought forward by the energetic lawyer who was agent for Liberal party, who supported the wealthy merchant who opposed
the Tory party in the immaculate borough of Bilgewater. the promising young nobleman brought forward by the energetic
7. This is the man who came down from the moon to counteract lawyer, who was agent for the Tory party in the immaculate borough
the influence of the patriotic publican, who attended to the voters in of Bilgewater.
the interest of the able attorney, agent for the Liberal party, who sup- 13. These are the free and independent constituents who were dis-
ported the wealthy merchant, who opposed the promising young satisfied with the extensive employment by the ardent politician of the
nobleman brought forward by the energetic lawyer, who was agent argument that overcame the reason that induced the virtuous elector
for the Tory party in the immaculate borough of Bilgewater. to resist the overtures of the man who came down from the moon to
8. This is the virtuous elector who resisted the overtures of the man counteract the influence of the patriotic publican, who attended to
who came down from the moon to counteract the influence of the the voters in the interest of the able attorney, agent for the Liberal
patriotic publican, who attended to the voters in the interest of the able party, who supported the wealthy merchant, who opposed the pro-
attorney, agent for the Liberal party, who supported the wealthy missing young nobleman brought forward by the energetic lawyer, who
merchant, who opposed the promising young nobleman brought was agent for the Tory party in the immaculate borough of Bilgewater.
forward by the energetic lawyer, who was agent for the Tory party in 14. This is the petition for bribery got up by the free and indepen-
the immaculate borough of Bilgewater. dent constituents who were dissatisfied with the extensive employment
9. This is the reason that induced the virtuous elector to resist the by the ardent politician of the argument that overcame the reason that
overtures of the man who came down from the moon to counteract the induced the virtuous :elector to resist the overtures of the man who
influence of the patriotic publican, who attended to the voters in the came down from the moon to counteract the influence of the patriotic
interest of the able attorney, agent for the Liberal party, who sup- publican, who attended to the voters in the interest of the able
ported the wealthy merchant who opposed the promising young attorney, agent for the Liberal party, who supported the wealthy mer-
nobleman brought forward by the energetic lawyer, who was agent for chant who opposed the promising young nobleman brought forward by
the Tory party in the immaculate borough of Bilgewater. the energetic lawyer, who was agent for the Tory party in the immacu-
10. This is the argument that overcame the reason that induced the late borough of Bilgewater.
virtuous elector to resist the overtures of the man who came down 15. This is the Commission of Enquiry arising from the petition for
from the moon to counteract the influence of the patriotic publican, bribery, got up by the free and independent constituents who were
who attended to the voters in the interest of the able attorney, agent dissatisfied with the extensive employment by the ardent politician of
for the Liberal party, who supported the wealthy merchant, who op- the argument that overcame the reason that induced the virtuous

SPrrEnte n 18, 1869.] F TJ N o. 23

elector to resist the overtures of the man who came down from the
moon to counteract the influence of the patriotic publican who attended
to the voters in the interest of the able attorney, agent for the Liberal
party, who supported the wealthy merchant who opposed the promising
young nobleman, brought forward by the energetic lawyer who was
agent for the Tory party in the immaculate borough of Bilgewater.
,16. Thisas -the result of the Commission of Enquiry arising out of the
petition for bribery got-up by theiree and independent constituents who
were dissatisfied with the extensive employment by the ardent politician
of the argument that overcame the reason that induced the virtuous
elector to resist the overtures of the man who came down from the
moon to counteract the influence of the patriotic publican who attended
to the voters in the interest of the able attorney, agent for the Liberal
party, who supported the wealthy merchant who opposed the promising
young nobleman brought forward by the energetic lawyer who was
agent for the'Tory party in the immaculate borough'df Bilgewater.

'S to the man with
I waaSta balance in
i H Here's to the party
N.wwho's einucs,
Here's to the friend
who's unable to
And here's to the
swell that will31
Let the toast gee-
Dr'Drink to him,he,
I 'warrant, excuse for
a bumperUll be!

Here's to the swellwith
a landed estate,
L. Here's to the chap
who has nil, sir,
Here's to the card who's
presented with
And to him who's
presented a bill,
Let the toast gee-
Drink to him, he,
I warrant, excuse for a bumper will be.
Here's to the cove with the shirt-front of snow,
Now to him who's not even a dickey;
Here's to him on whom Fortune all gifts doth bestow,
And to him now, with whom she is tricky.
Let the toast gee-
Drink to him, he,
I warrant, excuse for the bumper will be.
For whether they're sinking, or whether they swim,
Poor or wealthy, I care not a dump's sum.
Come fill up a bumper-nay, fill to the brim,
And drink to mankind as a lump sum.
Let the toast, pray,
Pass, sir, for they
Will prove an excuse for our moistening the clay.

Woman's Work.
WE hope that sensible men will do all they can to favour the schemes
for finding employment for women. We had far rather see them
employed in sober business than devoted to tight-laceyness.

WE read that DR. CARPENTER is now at Stornaway preparing to
re-examine his 'warm and cold areas.'" Is this the right man inthe
right place ? We should have thought that a Constable would do the
job better than a Carpenter-but perhaps the Policeman is out of his
clement when he is (S)torn-away from his own peculiar haunts.

Shakespeare below Stairs.
OuRn cook detected in the act of giving a joint or so of cold meat,
through the railings, to her ROBERT, excused herself on the ground
that they were "airey nothings."

himself a scholar and a thinker, if not a poet. His versification is
polished and correct, a rare virtue in these days : but he has, to our
thinking, spoilt the effect of his work by mingling the classical story
of the OClohian maid with modern instances and illustrations. There
is an incongruity about this which reminds one of the pictures of the
old painters in which mythology was muddled-up with biblical
history, as for instance in the. picture of the finding of MOSEs, wherein
PHARAOH'S daughter is receiving the babe from the hands of the river-
god, Nilus!
The book is marvellously got-up, and the frontispiece is an excellent
photograph of MR. SANDWs's -ine picture of Medea," which has been
so much admired and spoken of in connection with the Royal
MR. MERCER'S Utnder'le TPeak (HOTTEN) is a pleasant enough little
volume of vers d'eccasion. The translations are very neat, and, to say
nothing of the matter, the manner of the verse generally is correct,
musical, and agreeable. What MR. MECER modestly calls his
"jottings in verse," are much nearer poetry than much that ispublished
by self-styled poets. The book is turned out with an elegance worthy
of its contents.

Coming Events.
Or the schemes Ireland's burdens to ease,.
Which comes next you'll at once understand.
-Having settled the question of Sees
We must turn to the question of Land.

"Oh, stay!"
By all means MR. MooRE! We repeat your adjurationtrothe ladies,
"oh, stay! and "flly not yet." If they don't wish to depart alto-
gether they will be careful how they stay." They should give heed
to their 4stays--a laissez-aller especially a tight4acey alter policy will
not do.

R, uling 'ihe Waves.
A MEMBER of the Milomathic Society of Paris proposes to utilize
the force now expended uselessly by the waves of the sea." We are
inclined to think it will be supererogatory to try to bind the tide. It
of course remains to be proved whether watches could be supplied
with motive power by the Spring tide, or musical boxes be fitted with
Literary Mem.
A NEW volume of poems by GERALD MASSEY is-announced under the
title of A Tale of Eternity." We suppose it is "to be continued."

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketkhes, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsiblefor loss.0
H. 0. (Brixton Hill).-The only joke we can see in the sketch is your
attempt to slip in an advertisement gratis.
HYPERazN.-There is Shaksperian authority for the distance you are
from a Satire.
C. L. (Artichoke Club, Manchester). Cannot'your friend apply himself ?
A HUMAN-NATURALIST.-We could not flat-ter suoh a natural by de-
scribing it as sharp.
JENNY JoNEs.-Your Pegasud would seem to be your native goat from
its extraordinary caperings. Next time please remember FUN is spelt with
one "1 ," and its office is not in the Strand-do this to oblige the postman.
HAZAED (Southsea).-Your rhymes are too risky for us!
CARBONIC ACID.- Clearly not Laughing Gas."
GRATIS.-Not for no price!
G. B. T. (Malvern).-We think we can lick it into shape.
T. S. (Coggleshall).-Thanks.
M. (Edenderry).- So funny that we cannot improve on it, and so must
regretfully leave it. Thanks.
C. F. M. (Stanhope-street).-Your letter is enigmatical. We cannot
understand to what you refer.
REt.-Why not Demirep as Formosa is your theme ?
C. J.-Under consideration.
Declined with thanks :-F. F. S.; A. Q. C.; E. J., Durham; B.; S. F.,
Dalston; W. W.; F. C., Redhill; A W. B Clifford's Inn; Theta;
H. K. G., Southsea; J. M. W., Sheffield; Trinobant; Toodles; M. S.;
E. J. P., Jersey; M. E. K., Highbury Bill Park; Bold; Clerk; P., Leeds;
E. J. P.; E. and R. M square; Mig. B., Dalston; J. W, Liverpool; R.,
Kingsland-road; Nimmins's Boy; P. J. R.; F. F.; Nemo; Under a
Cloud, Ormskirk; Astronomicus: Libbigee; B., Slough; E., Brooklard;
J. M. R.; Sero sed Serio; Subscriber, Southwick; H. M, Rochford;
Jeeroosalum Pony; Xenocrates; A. R. M., Swansea.

24 F U W [SEPTEMBER 8, 1869.



LADYBIRD, LADYBIRD, FLY AWAY HOME. A Chirp from the Exchange Grasshopper.
o e dof n th ladb meto te resue THE introduction of Russian Railway Loans into the market under
1 Tnic hops are in danger of perishing, and the ladybirds come to the rescue. their present outlandish names was, to say the least, an ill-advised
Millions of these red-cased, black-spotted insects have suddenly made their te present outlandish names was, to say the least, an -advised
appearance in Kent and Sussex, and have even extended their flight to the me- proceeding.
tropolis ..... In some places it has been impossible to walk without crushing Egyptian Seven per Cents, 1862, 86 Ditto Orel-Vitebsk Railway Loan, 81
numbers of these diminutive creatures to death."-Standard. to 87. to ).
Ditto foscow-Jaroslaw Railway, paid Ditto oharkof-Azof, 83} to 3.
I WOULD I were a bird, up, 82J to J. j Ditto Charkow-Krementschug, 83 to J.
A ladybird so wee! Ditto Four per Cents. (Nicolai Railway) Ditto Tambrff-Kozloff, 76 to 77.
No; I should look absurd 68 to J. Sardinian Fit e per Cents 72 to 74.
Among all fowls that be Even if they were going for a song it would be simply impos-
Besides, how vain in print sible for an Englishman to join the Co-Russ.
Besides, how vain in print
A transient frame to steal,,
If doomed to die by dint The Common-huile.
Of some plebeian heel! THE musical papers appear to be astonished that the first theatre
No; in some other shape in the capital of Italy is not yet lighted with gas." It is hardly to
I'll gain the public eye, be expected that Florence would give up its oil without a struggle.
And while men, wondering, gape
Through twenty columns fly: GEMs or OCEAN.--Whitby jet and Margate jetty.
Oh, yes! I'll be a four-
Legged chicken, two-legged flea, NOTICE.-Now ready, the Sixteenth Half-yearly Volume of FU.N, being
Huge hailstone, mushroom, or THE NINTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Enormous gooseberry. Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; pest free, 5s. ; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. eaeh.

Messrs. GOODE, GATNSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMl TE3 for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Docc. Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : Sept. 18, 1869.




HE pages led
to the town
hall, each
to h holding one of
his gilded reins.
When he had sa-
luted the royal
heralds by drop-
ping the mouth-
Spiece of his clarion
c w f towards the ground
three times, he
-_ placed it to his lips
and blew a chalt-
DIsAXs and
DIMARIn answered
with a blast on
their gold bugles,
and then the parley
began in the pre-
ssribed form.
"How many
N horses has your
master got ?" ask-
"Three," replied
defiant tone.
What colour
are they?" asked
-' "Crimson, yel-
low ochre, and ul-
tramarine!" responded the Archducal Herald.
"Then turn round three times and state what your master's instruc-
tions have been," was the answer.
Then BRAXANTIP doffed his helmet, and resting his reversed clarion
on his knee made the following proclamation in a loud voice:-
"Know all men by these presents "-here he tossed a handful of silver
pieces down for the Aphanian crowd to scramble for-" that we,
FZrPorfa, Serene Mightiness, Electoral High Seignior, and Here-
ditary Archduke of Nexdorea, do hereby proclaim and renounce,
costeris paribus, and if not, why not, and how otherwise, that we ruler
by direct descent from HOLLABOYS the First, do, in consideration of
the affiancement, spoongelt, and betroth-splice of our august sister, the
serene and lovely NINNIASTERAFINA, Princess of Nexdorea, with
RuMTrus REX, lawful and only recognized monarch of Aphania, claim,
demand, and of right intend for to make our own, the regency of the
said kingdom of Aphania on behalf of the said Serene Loveliness
and the said recognized sovereign. Wherefore, why, because and on
which account we the already-enumerated Serenity do call upon BuNCo,
heir presumptive to the throne of Aphania and at present unlawful
occupant of the said throne, to vacate the same here now and imme-
diately, hei presto cockalorum ad libitum, and in twinkelinguio bed-
postli--in roof whereof witness our hand and seal to counterfeit
which is fe lony under Act of Parliament for the better registration of
Trade Marks. And lastly, in conclusion, finally and to sum up the
matter, our aforesaid Serenity doth hereby solemnly mention that sup-
posing the recited BUNGo do not vacate with promptitude we the
heretofore-quoted FIzpoPorr do declare war, to the last drumstick,
against him, and will prosecute our righteous and just conflict with him
while a parchment remains unburst. And to prove our sincerity, there
lies our glove, seven and three quarters long-fingers."
When BRA!Anarr had concluded his harangue DISAMIS stept for-
ward and said in a loud voice:-
Oh, yes! oh, yes! oh, yes!! Does not his Serene Mightiness the
Archduke of Nexdorea and Electoral High Seignior of that province
very much wish he may get it? We, the august and powerful BUNG o
by appointment Regent, and in presumptive right Monarch of all the
Aphanias hereby accept the Archduke's challenge, taking up his glove,
and defy him to combat to the last beat of drum. Whereto witness
KING BUNGo his mark. Hip! hip! hurrah! "
DisAmis picked up the glove which BRAIANTIP had thrown down.
Thereupon the Archducal Herald produced a long green silk purse
from the pocket of his tabard, and emptying the money it contained
into the streets, exclaimed: -


We, the Serene Archduke, accept the defiance, and hereby to prove
that we rely on the justice of our cause rather than our super-eminent
resources and insuperable valour, we do present our heretofore friends
and henceforth enemies with a largesse to enable them to buy muni-
ments of war. Long live FzroProrr FF! "
And now it's all over," said DIsAMIS, at once laying aside all offloial
hauteur, hadn't you better come in and have a stoup of something?"
For of course all heralds, like Freemasons, were brothers, and DISAMIS
thought a good deal more of BRAMANTIP, the enemy's herald, than of
the first general in KING BuNoo's army. The crowd had by this time
dispersed, finding there was nothing to be got; for the money which
the herald distributed was Nexdorean currency, and as the Nexdorean
currency consisted of brass and german-silver, it was of no value in
Aphania. The scattering of a largesse to enable your enemy to buy
muniments of war was a ceremonial peculiar to the territory, and was
never neglected. KING BUNCO, however, was so disgusted at the Arch-
duke's meanness in sending money, which was not exchangeable against
Aphanian coins that he sewed it up in a sack, and returned it by
BRAMANTIP, with "his compliments, and he was too old to play at
dumps, and these medals were of no use for any other purpose."
This terribly enraged the Archduke, as you can fancy, and he vowed
that he would burst his biggest drum, but he would have his revenge
for the insult.
With this intention he enrolled three hundred of the bravest drum-
mers in all his army into one regiment, and he had the returned
largesse made into buttons which were sewn on the uniform -a pale
green turned up with chocolate-which he selected for this picked
corps. They were to lead the van of his invading forces, and the
most powerful drums in his armouries were appropriated for their use.
On the front of their shakos was the regimental motto, Pfitskyi chew
diki," whichis the Nexdorean of for the honour of our halfpence."
KING BUNGO called his Privy Council together and announced that
he was about to enter into a war against the Duke of Noxdorea, who
wished to assume the rule of Aphania on the grounds of his sister's
engagement to RUMTI. The nobles were indignant at the insolence of
this petty prince, and immediately offered their services to their King.
Each promised to bring all his vassals into the field, and engaged to
send in within three days a muster-roll of the number of drums he
could lead into the camp. It was determined to assemble the people
the next day when the King should address them. It was felt that the
threatened invasion of the Archduke would enrage the people against
him, and restore them to their allegiance to the King.
This was exactly the effect produced, which, as you know, was the
very opposite of what FizrororF had calculated upon. The populace
cheered KING BUNGo loudly when he appeared in full armour on the
balcony of the palace, and hundreds volunteered active service that
very day. Popular excitement was at its height for the next few weeks.
The papers teemed with articles breathing a warlike sprit, and the
street bards chanted war-songs and played the national air of Aphania
on their barrel organs. "BUNoo for ever," "Down with FIZPOPOFr,"
were chalked on the walls, and a farce entitled T4Q ArcMh4k9e'

a aa f me- Ua--aum --fssalliBB
Boots," in which the Archduke was made up like the ruler of Nex-
dorea, and was submitted to all sorts of indignities -was produced at
the principal theatre and received with enthusiasm. The satirical
journals were very severe upon the invader, who was held up to
ridicule in their columns as Squib-pop-bang, and depicted as an ex-
ploding firework.
In the meantime gigantic efforts were made to bring the army into
an efficient state. The Most Honorable Body of Benchers of Justice,
the very flower of the legal profession, voted seven thousand sheets of
parchment and two thousand of vellum for drumheads: and the
DUKE BINGr, who was the largest proprietor of timber planta-
tions in all Aphania, gave free permission to the whole army of
drummers to go into his forest and cut their sticks. A spirited and
ingenious civil engineer who invented a machine for making metal
drums at the rate of four a minute was knighted on the spot and made
Chief Inspector of Drummery.
You will have noticed, I fancy, that I have spoken of nothing but
drums in describing the warlike preparations of the Aphanians. The
reason is that they fought with drums, and I will tell you the how, why
and wherefore of their so doing in the next chapter.


SEPTEMBER 25, 1869.]



[SEPTEMBER 25, 1869.

_ J'FNUN OFFICE, Wednesday, September 22nd, 1869.
ISTORY, if it does not exactly repeat itself, as some assert, has
funny echoes, imperfect though they be.
We wonder whether it struck the Prime Minister lately when
he was recruiting down at Walmer, that there was a sort of
parallel between him and a previous ruler, and that each found his
puzzlement on the same coast.
The courtiers of CANUTE assured him that the seas would obey him.
He tried the experiment, and failed signally.
The counsellors of GLADSTONE declared that he could abolish the
Irish sees. It did not seem likely, but he tried-and succeeded.
The question is now, whether he will be able to rule the Land as he
has ruled the Sees! His subordinates think he will-the British
public trusts he will. He himself knows it is a big question to
grapple, and is accordingly grave" and reserved. We have not the least
doubt that he deeply sympathises with that early monarch, CANUTE,
who had so much difficulty in ruling those waves, over which as
Britannia's deputy he should have borne undisputed sway.

AN Irritated Traveller "-and there are and must be lots of them
-writes to the Times to complain of the delay in issuing tickets at
the various railway stations. It is a well-known fact that at few sta-
tions are they issued until it is impossible to take your place in the
train without needless hurrying and scrambling. Everyone seems
puzzled to learn the reason of this policy. We have much pleasure in
offering a solution. We throw it out in an interrogative form :-What
if the Railway Companies allow the booking-clerks to pocket any
extra cash arising from over-payments for tickets ? What if the
booking-clerks with an eye to that profit, find it convenient to give
the public short change ? What if with a view to preventing the
public from discovering the mistake, the booking-clerks put off the
issue of tickets till the last moment so that in the bustle and hurry
people may pocket their change without examination ? And what if
this habit be so general that it has acquired the technical name of
"fluffing ?"

OCn able contemporary the Globe is always clever, but at times its
cleverness takes an ironical turn, which we fear must puzzle its sober
readers uncommonly. Here is an instance:-
It was a constant grievance that between Orkney and the mainland there existed
no means of communication but the steam-packet; but it was not till yesterday that
the Orcadians, who suffered most from their isolation, and who were practically
fu their off than the Americans, were restored by the telegraph to their relative
proximity to the mainland. One cause of this long felt inconvenier ce, was, it must
be said, political-the Liberal party in the island having the local influence pretty
much in their own handF, and being unwilling to admit any other which might
prove adverse at elections. Not only so, but they discouraged improvements of
other kinds, and the resources not only of Orkney but of Shetland were allowed to
languish without harbours, without communication between the seaports and the
inland towns, lest new comers might bring new ideas and disturb the ancient solitary
reign of Orcadian Liberalism.
There is something so gravely comic in describing the Orcadian
stagnation asLiberalism that it can onlybe equalled by the commentary
of the great French naturalist on the Academical definition of a
lobster. The definition was that a lobster is a red insect that
walks backwards." The naturalist's comment was that the definition
was excellent with some exceptions-" a lobster was not red,- it was
not an insect,-and it did not walk backwards." The Globe's definition
of Liberalism is almost as excellent as the Academy's crustacean expo-
sition. Only "Liberalism does not discourage improvements. It does
not allow places to languish for want of means of communication. It
does not object to new ideas."

The Worth of Words.
IN a journal edited by MR. ARSENE HOUSSAY there is a critique on
some poems by a German, MR. FIDOLIN WnRM, who is especially
praised for his poem We are seven !" It is pretty evident that this
"Worm can turn "-WoRDSwonTH into a German equivalent.

Our Noble Selves.
A PATRIOTIC Clerkenwellite, and follower of BAL-ES, read the other
day that on Sunday next, there will be a celebration at Prague in
honour of the Reformer Huss." He at once exclaimed, Why
shouldn't there be one here for hus reformers ?"

THE NEXT MARCH OF SCIENCE."-From Exeter to Liverpool.

IT does not need Stellarum Vox
To prophesy about this time-
At the autumnal Equinox
That these will be recorded prime."

1. An idle, careless, worthless loon,
A thorough undeserving coon.
This is a nice archaic name
To use when such a chap you blame.
2. Reader, if you love roast pig,
You this writer's name will twig.
3. Some come at Christmas, and some come at spring,
Some have leaves only, but others have blooms,
Of a florist or bookseller ask for the thing,
And each will supply what your want he assumes.
4. Scribblers publish books by scores,
Poems" by A, B, or C!
But you find them endless bores,
All devoid of poesie-
Poesie!-why, some are not
Even this, as well I wot!
5. A nation on Euphrates' margin fixed,
With a religion that is rather mixed.
Not to be found through- ordinary media-
Perhaps though in the Penny Cyclopedia.
SOLUTION oF ACROSTIC No. 131.-Breech Loader: Bowl, Rondo,
Enigma, End, Cave, Header.
CORRECT SoLUTIOMr OF AcnosTIO No. 131, REoIVXED September 15th.-J. 0. P.;
Our apologies are due to Jerseyman, Buds, Washington, and Timothy and Co.,
for the accidental omission of their names from the list of correct solutions of
Acrostic No. 130.

THE Atlantic Monthly contains MRas. BEECHER STOWE'S last fiction,
plus a little extra sensational paragraph, that brands the authoress
with if possible a plainer stamp of unsincerity. It is a bit of buncombe
about the family reasons that keep LADY BYRON'S English friends
from speaking, and about LADY BYRON having an American name,
with a little more highfalutin about the national characteristics of the
American. However, the American press, and a member of Congress,
in the Times, have shown us MRS. STOWE'S real place in American
literature. The other contents of the number are of a high order of
merit, a paper on log-rolling being particularly interesting.
In Our Young Folks there is a most amusing chapter of MaR.
ALDRICH'S Bad Boy "-I hope the story will be separately published.
The rest of the number is good as usual, and the illustrations above the
average as a rule.

Save me from my Friends.
PERHAPs the crowning injury inflicted on BYRON's memory by
MRS. STOWE'S libel-as it is proved to be by LORD WENTWORTvf-is
that it has called forth in the poet's -defence GENERAL BENJAMIN
BUTLER, of New Orleans infamy.

Shameless Beggars.
WE beg to call the attention of the officers of the S1ociety for the
Suppression of Mendicancy to the Saturday Review and other supporters
of Mas. BEECHER STowE's Story." They have been guilty of per-
sistently begging-the question.

Ne Sutor.
IT is reported that ToM KING, the prize-fighter, has been converted,
and has taken to preaching. We should think his arguments have
scarcely as much of the "knock-down" character as formerly.

A laughing-ass.
SOUTH Bend, Indiana, has a "champion laugher," who claims to
laugh "louder, longer, heartier, and more scientifically than any other
man, black or white, in Indiana." Is his scientific" laugh produced
by laughing gas ?
Swell's Guide off the Turf, a companion volume to Ruff's Guide
the Turf.

WHERE a certain sporting Lord's affairs should be wound up. In
the En-Clumber-ed Estates Court.




.1 ~'

rEMBER 25, 1869.

*c~--~-~;~ I







- ,-----,~- -- -~


/1M \


'1-" ~t



kC n




HOUTGH not, as com-
mon rumour says,
Remarkable in other
No haughty supercilious
Could scorn so well as
At sight of snobs his lip
would curl-
His lip would quiver, twist,
and twirl
In an astonishing degree-
He often curled his lip at

His men, to give them all
their due,
Were most accomplished sneerers, too :
Their Colonel gave them, with a will,
Six daily hours of sneering drill.
"Now, by your right, prepare to Whish'!
Come, all at once and smartly, 'Pish'!
Prepare to Bah'! By sections, 'Phew.'
Good! At three hundred yards, Pooh-pooh "
And though (as I can prove too well)
They could not sneer like COLONEL BELL,
Still, not to flatter them a jot,
They were a supercilious lot.
Some two-and-thirty years ago
He sailed to fight the Paynim foe,
For then a dreadful war began
'Tween England and the Ottoman.
Once, going round his daily beats
In Stamboul s uninviting streets,
He heard these words, in accents clear,
" Oh, Little Stranger, welcome here!"
The Colonel stopped-lhe had no choice,
For, ah! it was a WOMAN's voice!
And through a window dark and grim
Two EYES flashed, lightning-like, on him.

Such eyes I So soft-so full of soul!
Such silent pathos in their roll!
No deadlier weapon women wield:
Au reste, her face was quite concealed.
"Oh, sir," the vision whispered, "though
You're certainly our country's foe
Let's hail the emblematic dove
As subjects of One Monarch-Love!"

Oh, ma'am," he said-I will not stay
To tell you all he chose to say;
But all the workings of his brain
Were in the same impassioned strain.
Oh, sir," the eyes replied, "I fear,
You dare not penetrate up hero-
I'm no mere drab in humble life,
I was the Sultan's favourite wife "
Oh, ma'am !" said he-suffice to add,
The gallant Colonel, rapture-mad,
This graceful sentiment displays
In fifty-seven different ways.
He sought the Hareem's portals wide,
He sneered the sentinel aside,
And -when his scornful eyeballs flashed,
The very guard fell back abashed!
On cloth of gold in negligd,
The Sultan's former fancy lay;
He saw that once (in early life)
She might have been his favourite wife.
ZARLINE (her name) with one big bound,
Threw COLONEL BELL her arms around,
And danced her best, but truth to tell,
She was a creaky, old gazelle.
The Colonel gazed-then turned away;
Lovefled, and Duty held its sway :
That sterner stuff that, near and far,
Makes British warriors what they are.
S"WHY BELL, my boy, come, come, what's this P
Unmanned by thoughts of simple bliss ?
Unsoldiered by a lovely girl ? "
The warrior's lip resumed its curl.
But ah, too late. The Sultan's ears
Much sharpened by his jealous fears,
Had overheard, behind a screen,
The creakiness of fair ZALLINE !

The Colonel soon was seized and bound;
He struggled not, but looked around,
Relying on the wide-spread fear
Instilled by his notorious sneer.
But ah! the move was ill-designed;
The Sultan he was old and blind,
And all the Hareem's soldiers then
Were elderly, short-sighted men !
Those soldiers soon contrived to pack
The gallant Colonel in a sack;
But, mindful of his scornful fame,
The Bosphorus, with gloomy roll,
Closed mournfully upon his soul; ,
Its billows sang the only knell


SEPTEMBER 25, 1869.]



[SEPITEMER 25, 1869.

A ROLL for breakfast is an old institution. On board the Albert
Victor you get a roll for dessert, for dinner is generally just about over
when you pass the Nore. As my friend ToMKNms said-and, thank
goodness, he suffered for the atrocity afterwards-" it is well to
appease the craving of the appetite before you get the Nore-ing in
your stomach." His vile jest disagreed with me, but I am profoundly
pleased to say it made him awfully ill. You never saw such faces as
he made-it would have made the fortune of MR. CHARLES WATKINS
if he could have got his nob in Chancery "-Lane.
We left the Swan pier at eleven, and were soon threading our way
through the Pool. [I mean to go to the East for the opening of the
Suez Canal, and I shall publish my experiences in a book entitled from
the Pool to the Pyramids. N.B. This effect is registered.] We passed
Greenwich which reminded me of Whitebait, and Crossness which
brought reminiscences of Smelt. And we passed Woolwich which
was so deserted it seemed more like Dull-wich, and Greenend and
Gravehithe, and other places about which I am not quite so clear.
But I am perfectly certain we dined. Considerably. Everything
was so good, and there was such an extensive choice that when the
obliging purser asked me what I would take, I replied with a feeble
smile, WATT, you please." He gave me goose, I believe-if so it was
a natural selection videe DARWiN).
Well, sir, I ate- ate-ate-ate cstera. So did To xINs; but after
the feed he was-I record it with pride-upset-era! It was rough, you
must remember-so rough that only the A. V. put to sea, so there is
some excuse for TOMKxNS, though he had professed himself to be a
capital sailor. All I can say is he didn't "turn out" so!
The dinner was a sight, sir! There was twice what the poet saw
when he wrote about "fifty feeding as one." To be sure some as won,
lost afterwards, but that was because of the toss.
The skipper-so called to distinguish him from the rest of the crew
who wear "jumpers "-informed me at last that we had made Margate.
I only wish I had! I'd take out a patent and sweep the profits-a
regular Haul by the Sea that! On reaching the jetty we lay-to, so he
informed me, though I thought the odds rather against us.
Your instructions were that I should go round the Foreland. As
you did not specify the route ToxmsNS insisted on going round it on
the landward side, and I assented, the chief assent being the hill out of

Margate. As everybody knows the Downs are further on. But the
Ups are here, and no mistake about it!
This for the present concludes my diary. I await further orders
and a cheque, before proceeding further.
P.S. I have left my Dictionary of Quotations behind me. Please
shake a few Latin extracts over the above, I am afraid to venture
without the book, but there's something, I know, about," Crass inge,'s"
and whatyemaycallit mari magno "-look 'em up for us, there's a
good fellow.

Mutato Nomine.
THE papers inform us that an extraordinary outrage was committed
the other day at a place called Ruffec, in France. An insolvent banker,
when brought up for examination was fired at by one of his creditors.
This is of course an inadmissible method of making a debtor payhis shot,
and we fancy the place where such an attempt was possible is in name
like another place in France-Too-long videe British tourist passing .
It ought to be minus the ec."

Lex Talionis.
WE are glad to read that the whirligig of Time on the other side of
the Atlantic can plead a set-off for the Albert Insurance Company.
The San Francisco News Letter laconically put the news thus:-
Insurance Company robbed. Tit for Tat.

Sweets to the Suites !
REPOwrs say the Viceroy of Egypt has ordered a large quantity of
sugar-making machines of a Paris firm. He evidently expects that he
will have to do a good deal of "sugaring when the canal is opened.

GLANCING at a large establishment in Fleet Street the following
meets the eye-" The London Dinner "-" PARTRIDGE AND COOPER "-
All very good in its way but not quite to our taste.

A WHIFF or THE BRINY.-Free Rendering: For Children in arms
free," read "shrimps included."


ONFOUND 'em! lady-
birds and beadles
i/L lAnd daddy-long-
legses, as well !
That keep one thus on
pins and needles,
X Lor! what to do I
cannot tell.
legs and wings,
I can't abide them
e creeping things!

ee There's flies! One
wants a little
in a doze,
When, drat the
things, they buzz
and creep
Upon a poor old
lady's nose.
Lor, how they tickles at they stings!
I can't abide them creeping things!
There's earwigqdropping in your cup
When in th&arbour you takes tea.
There's whatto-u'igbt-time wakes you up,
That will netliudge, and seldom flee.
Distress such zacoH etion brings-
I can't abide them creeping things!
Confound 'em, beadles, gnats, and wopses,
Flies, spiders, ladybirds-what-nots!
I'd like to stomp 'em all to copses
As ants is, so says DR. WATTS.
I find to life too much they clings-
I can't abide them creeping things !

!A Great Desideratum!
THERE is an excellent new invention in umbrellas, called "The
Desideratum," in which the silk is woven of an extra thickness at the
edges of the folds where it is most exposed to wear and tear. The
principle might be applied with great advantage in other cases. We
fancy Nature herself has taken the hint; for we have observed in the
case of many who are supposed to do a great deal of head-work an
extra thickness in that part.

The Will and the Way.
THE Illustrated News records at full length the will of the late
manager of the Albert Assurance Company. We don't know any-
thing about his will, but we don't approve of his way-of managing a

On the Cards.
COLONEL TIGHE, of Woodstock, Kilkenny, intends to place 10,000
in the hands of the new Irish Church body. This is quite in accord-
ance with HOYLE's rules-ties should always pay!

Up to the Mark.l
HERR. SCHOTT, burgomaster of Mayence, and chief of a well-known
musical firm there, presented on the occasion of his silver wedding the
sum of 4,000 florins to the benevolent fund of his employs. We
should like to see others go and do likewise-like a SCuOTT.

Composition and Confusion.
WE see it reported that RUBINSTEIN has composed a cantata entitled
"The Tower of Babel." We should think there was a fine opening
for a telling libretto, especially at. the moment of the confusion of

A Ripper.
MR. JEFFERSON's Rip Van Winkle has so delighted his countrymen
(when they found it had been appreciated in England) that he is asked
to build a theatre of his own, and go on acting it for years. This is,
to use a Yankee phrase, letting him Rip with a vengeance!"

WHAT FUN wishes every British Farmer:-A good thrashing.


HAn by the Penge Station on the London, Chatham and Dover line
there is a little colony called the Alexandra Cottages. It is inhabited
by working men: -not by the horny handed artizan merely, that is to
say, but by those who work with head as well as muscle-clerks,
accountants, printers, shopmen, travellers, and tradesfolk-in short, by
real working men, who have had the good sense to take their families
out to pure air and pleasant country. The railways by raising their
fares did their best to thwart this excellent plan, and offer only
grudging and inadequate privileges, instead of giving to every in-
habitant of the colony a working man's ticket available by every train
up or down-there is plenty of room in the trains!
On Saturday the 11th instant, the colonists held at Sydenham theo
first Flower, Fruit and Vegetable Show of a Horticultural Society
which they have started among themselves in a spirit of friendly emu-
lation. Although the scheme was little more than a month old, any
one who had a chance of viewing the neat and well-kept gardens of
the Cottages would have been prepared to find the Exhibition what it
was, a highly creditable collection. We hawno space to give the list
of prizes, or to say more than that by a process of natural selection "
that would have delighted DARWIN, a conawetion was found to be es-
tablished between HALL and Heartsease, BASrntm and Beans, PAR-
TRIDGE and Pumpkins, BANTIN an& Bunloeotf Radishes. Hearty
cheers greeted the successful, and pzsed that th irless fortunate rivals
felt no envy.
We have noticed this little exhiubtfnibfl. lewe think among the
thousands of readers who peruse telS esolumns some may be incited
to set a-foot similar exhibitions undirsdaf ilaarebmnstancos. If so they
will understand how it is thatwn h aeleolfedoto eauch an undertak-
ing as genuine, honest wholesome flti"'

I LOVE the sea, the stormy sea,
Where billows break, and winds blow free.
I love-I love the boiling foam,
The British sailor's darling home.
I love the tide, the rolling tide,
Where big white-horses madly ride,
While loud the piping breezes sing,
And grey-gulls dip a wandering wing.
I love-oh, how I love the view
Which distance lends enchantment to!
I love the sea-as I said before,
But I love it most as it's seen from shore !

[ We cannot return unaccepted M88. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
QuEscus -A very queer-ous -we; do. not mean to allege (j)oak-
casionally funny even.
GIRL OF THE PERIOD.-We are sick of the subject.
ORIGINAL.-Well, they were once, but it was long ago.
Cow (Edge Bill).-It is your fault if our" estimate of your muse (or
moos) is low.
ALPACA.-Llama-ntably bad.
UNLUCKY PICK.-For goodness sake run down to Margate and constitute
yourself a Pick-le by a dip in the sea-anything rather than write verses.
A. H. (Glasgow).-It is not "up to our mark "-you can't make your
glass-go high enough, evidently.
G. (Cursitor-street).-The letter is extremely funny, but you ought to
know we have no legal right to use it.
LADY LEE will see that we have (in last No.) touched on the subject she
F. H. C.-Declined with thanks. You must take your turn, our corre-
spondence is large. Why write two notes on one sheet, each iona different
S. (Camden Town).- Photographs of the late Paul Gray may be.obtained
of Mr. C. Watkins, of 54, Chancery-lane.
"Gaow FAT."-Do, please! And cease to grow fatuous.
WASHINGTON.-Double Acrostics won't Wash-ingtsn.
YARMOUTH.-Many thanks1 Bneflcentt Bldater, but you seem to have
rather missed the point.
G. D. J. (Mayfair).- Oh, why didn't you suggest it earlier ?
Declined with thanks.:-J. H., Glasgow; C. A., Stoke Newington;
B. R. ; Comedian, Alloa; Oh, the Wretch; Solitaire, Eastbourne; P. P.;
Humbry-hater; S.'s, Peckham; J. P., Dalston; J. M., Denmark-road?
L E. R., Fahan; L. R. S.; Z. X.; E. S. B.; Kiss me Quick; 8: T.;
W. W.; J. C. T., Islington; Theo; J. H., Birmingham; E. H., Salford;
M. D., Bayswater; P., Leeds; Nigger; M., Birmingham; T., Dalston;
F. B., Aldersgate-street; Peepers; Next to None; B.; Ambo; C.,

SEPTEMBER 25, 1869.]

I 34 F U N [SEPTEMBER 25, 1869.


LONG ago (in the days of my bachelor life)
When I suffered few sorrows or cares,
I became a young Ccelebs, in search of a wife
With a turn for domestic affairs.
People told me that women were thoughtless and weak,
And unfit to be trusted alone;
So I made up my mind that the treasure I'd seek
Was a wife with a will of her own.
For decision and firmness I hunted about,
Among spinsters of every degree:
Till I singled a strong-minded ladylove out
As exactly the treasure for me.
I prepared for refusal but got the reverse,
And felt proud as a king on his throne,
When I found myself married for better or worse
To a wife with a will of her own.
But the honeymoon scarcely was over and past,
When I slowly began to suspect
That I'd made my decision a little too fast,
Without taking my time to reflect.

I was bullied and snubbed till I said with a sigh,
"How I wish I could only have known
What it is to be bound, till you happen to die,
To a wife with a will of her own! "
I'm dull as an owl and as meek as a mouse,
While my wife has her will and her way:
Of an evening I cannot stir out of the house,
Though I'm awfully fond of the play.
There's a moral, no doubt, in our cat and dog life;
And that moral I've carefully shown:
You should never look out, if in want of a wife,
For a wife with a will of her own!

The Right Man in the Right Place, again!
WE learn from the San Francisco News Letter that an Admiral has
been ordered to survey a ship-canal route across the Isthmus of Darien.
We presume that a civil engineer will be ordered to take command of
the Fleet next!

.ow ready, FUN, Yol. IX., Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d, or free by post, 5s.
To be had of all Newsagents.

Messrs. GOODE, GATNSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOUIREEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Sept. 25, 1869.

OCTOBER 2, 1869.1


THE brown leaves fall-
The hoarse winds call-
The joys of summer vanish all-
How altered is the scene!
Yes, this and that for great and small
A solemn lesson mean!
1. An excellent one
In November,
Is issued by FeN.
2. She said he was an awkward youth-
And something else, which rhymes, in truth.
3. Of watered silk, I guess,
Some kind this doth express.
4. Herein the folks of old kept ashes-
We moderns use it for hot mashes.
5. They say,
That thdy
MakR this of clay:
Perhaps they may,
But I have seen them made at times-
In potteries i no, pantomimes!
6. It's cool as a draught; but, ah, in a powder
Its action's more rapid, and stronger, and louder.
SOLUTION OF AcnosTIC No. 132.-Stowe, Byron: Stab,
Tully, Or, Woo, Endymion.
Diggory Dibble; Ferndale; Thalassa; Old Maid; Bravo Ned.

Tell that to the Marines.
A rROVINCIAL contemporary has rather startled us by
stating that the Hythe regatta was held on the
Marine Parade." We should think the tale would only
be believed by the Marines on parade. A regatta on
dry land would be like a fish out of water. Surely the
report must have been written by a goose-an amphibi-
ous bird that would not see any difficulty in holding a
regatta ashore.

ADvIcE TO SPAIN.-As it's all SERRANO, let it also be
"all serene oh !

Driver :-" FLY, MA'AM ? "

THERE were -it would be vain to attempt to conceal the fact-two
reasons why AUNT MARIA was an old maid.
Her once raven locks were thickly sprinkled with silver, even when
I can first remember her. Dear AUNT MARIA, I have very early recol-
lections of her, for she seldom visited my father and mother without
bringing an orange, a toy, or-better still-a small coin, as a gift for
her already too gifted nephew!
I can see her now-that tall yet not ungraceful figure, crowned by
an ungraceful but not tall bonnet. I can picture to myself still the
bag she carried on her arm. She called it her ridiculee," and it had
a chronic plethoric appearance which used, I remember, to plunge me
into deep speculations as to what she had brought me.
But I am wandering from my theme. There were, I repeat, two
reasons why my AUNT MAHIA was an old maid.
It is a term which I regret to think has less of veneration than of
depreciation in it. Yet it has tender associations! What says the
poet ? Well, I m not quite sure, for my recollection of quotations is
not to be depended on. But he says something like this:-
Who, when I was ill-used by pa,
By brothers-sister,-kind mamma-
The lot! took pity on me ? Ah,
My unmarried aunt!
But to return to my subject, my AUNT MARIA was an old maid for
two reasons.
One would be inclined to consider a single reason more than
sufficient to condemn a young and perhaps beautiful woman to so lonely
a condition. Of the many reasons which the mind conjures up at the
thought of a female thus afflicted each one is sad enough in all con-
science. A broken heart? A faithless lover! A beloved snatched
away by too early death! War, death, and sickness laying siege to
the heart, as SHAKESPEARE beautifully observes! The cruelty of
relatives! The slander of friends! The malice of foes! Insufficient

means! Incompatibility of temper! Difference of station! Alas,
what a catalogue of ills is summed up by the very idea of an old maid.
Think then with pity of my poor AUNT MARIA who for two reasons
was an old maid.
My hand trembles as I record them. My pen almost refuses to write
them down. However, here they are.
My AUNT MARIA was an old maid for two reasons.
1st. Because she was fifty-four years of age and did not grow
younger every year.
2nd. Because she was unmarried.
It pierces me to the heart to think how many are in the same plight
for the same stern and inevitable reasons.
Such is a romance of real life!

IF you have heard the breezes sigh
Your loved one's name, in wandering by;
If you have heard the pearly shell
The tale of distant regions tell;
If you have heard the ocean cry
Defiance to the cloudy sky;
If you have heard the gentle stream
Sings songs of peace as in a dream;
If you have heard the woods complain
Because the year began to wane;
If you have heard the rocks reply
To waterfalls that shouted high-
You've heard a good deal more than I!

So far as may be practicable-no strap!



[OCTOBER 2, 1869.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, September 29th, 1869.
HERE can be only one opinion as to the state of the stage in
the present day. Our ancestors delighted in SHAxSPEARE-
aye, even in the times when GOLDnMITH and SHERIDAN offered
attractions. Now-a-days we find that even a TAYLOR or a
BOrCICAULT can outbid him. And yet he is acknowledged to be the
greatest and most dramatic poet the world ever knew. The con-
clusion is that our ancestors had taste and education, and that we
have not. They would have irrevocably damned pieces which we
make successes of, or permit to drag a bepuffed and lingering ex-
istence, propt up by notices in the papers that "places may be secured
a month in advance "-yes, or an hour either for that matter.
But we must divide the blame between the public and the managers,
who find SHAKSPEARE spells bankruptcy." FECHTEr'S Hamlet was
a success. KEAN'S Shahlsperian revivals drew full houses. But they
were managed by men of taste, education, and scholarly attainments.
They were not star performances, with one moderate actor and a crowd
of duffers. When we get companies as carefully taught as FECHTER'S,
and supers as well-drilled as KEA's, with their taste and education to
back them, there will be no need to complain that the public does not
care for SHAKSPEARE.
We cannot believe that in the nineteenth century genius can be
neglected for clap-trap- originality for a mosaic of plagiarism- sense
for sensation. If SHAsrPEAnE is to be superseded by Pinohbeak, the
English stage is indeed a stage lower than it was.

Tan Gardeser's Magazine holds too high position to 'e suspected of
ulterior motives when it condemns the Horticultural Society for
making the Garden r's Chronidcle its eclusie and favoured organ. If
the Society possessed a journal of its owna no one would complain, but
that it should thus favour-if such questionable practice does avour- :
the Chronicle, is disgraceful to society and periodical alike. It is as -if
the Agricultural Society, for instance, compelled its members to take
in the Daily Tdegraph, by giving its reports exclusively to that
The Horticultural Society ought to be re-named. It is a sham
under its present management. It is a Dilke-and-Cole-tural Society,
and solely intended to promote the undertakings, glorifications, and
periodicals of members of the clique.
Oh, for another PEABODY to relieve the other poor of London- poor
Art, poor Science, and poor Horticulture. If he would buy up South
Kensington-the Gardens and the Museum-and convert them into a
wilderness, he would not only avert disgrace from England, but give
some chance of a regeneration in horticulture, science, and art.

Wax Work.
WE hope MADAME TUSSAUD will lose no time in adding the effigy of
Mits. BEECHER STOWE to the Chamber of Horrors. The assassin of
reputations, the libeller of the dead, will not be out of place there.
Beilides one who has done so much to obtain notoriety deserves to get
her share of whacks.

The Right Name.
A SOCIETY of noodles, anxious to revive the errors of Protection,
is being advertised and billed just now. It is called the Revivers "
-would not the "Dead-alives" be a more suitable title. Their motto
is of course-" Let us all progress-backwards."

No Mistake.
THE Standard the other day spoke of a notorious Insurance Com-
pany as the "Alhert." This was not a misprint by any means. The
mistake was in not spelling it All-hurt.

DON'T try the stubbles until, as MR. VELVETEEN advises, the
Turmuts is Beet."

him stay dinner.
appropriate prize for proficiency in astronomy-a necklace of BAILY's



HAVE a little fable here,
That boasts an application
( The Wolf, as emperor of
t Wethe wood,
Was feared throughout the
All creatures had a whole-
some awe-
With reason- of his coup de
,with it erst he had
struck down
Their leaders, beasts of some
And so, no wonder, few
would stay
Beneath the tVolf's imperial
Among the rest the Stork
And to a far off district
At length a bone by some
Fast in his Wolfship's gul-
Ad t llet stuck-
And sticking with great resolution
Endangered much his Constitution.
With eyes protruding from his head,
With gasping breath-in short, half dead-
His Wolfship hastened to recall
The Stork and other creatures all,
And thinks the former, if you please,
Is bound to give him instant ease.
With dexterous beak the kindly Stork
The bone extracted like a cork:
And having cured the imperial ill
By aid of beak, sent in his bill.
"What cried the Wolf, "you monster mean,
Sure you already paid have been!
"How paid ?" exclaimed the Stork in wonder.
The Wolf replied in tones of thunder,
When late that bone you to withdraw
Thrust your weak head into my maw,
Be thankful that it was not ate off!
Receipt your bill- I plead a set-off."
When late a personage fell sick,
And troubles gathered round him thick,
And he in dread of revolution
Had to amend his Constitution,
From refuges across the foam
He called the pardoned exiles home,
That their return to all might be
Of better things a guarantee.
That's very well! But now they're there,
Will there be no more change of air ?
May no new complication teach
To grab them while they're in his reach ?
The Stork upon experience acted
And no more bones for Wolf extracted.
Then is it wise-1 doubt it much-
To venture thus within a clutch
You once with difficulty fled
And by a short neck saved your head ?

No such Great Shakes.
THE Thunderer of Printing House Square gives the following inci-
dent as having occurred during a late thunderstorm.
On Wandsworth-eomnmon a tree was literally shattered in two.
"Shattered" in two, only ? Surely there can be nothing very re-
markable in this; we fancy, indeed, that we have heard of greater
Shatters-En Espagne!





~iIIII '6~






OcTOBEB 2, 1869.]


ACT I. The Council Chamber.
Enter JOHN FERNE (a Civil Engineer) and Ma. DANnY (a Supplement
to the Bill of the Plan).
JOHN FEnNE.-So this is Mompesson Abbey, through which our
new line is to run. Now, Danby, do the only duty you have to dis-
charge in the piece, and tell me who is stopping at the Abbey, together
with the principal characteristics of all the guests.
DAwnY.-I will. First of all there is Lord Mompesson, the pro-
prietor, an old Tory Lord of the most scrupulous class. His son, the
Hon. Arthur Mompesson, a young man of eighteen, with a strange
taste for flouring his head, is still more imbued with the prejudices of
the old school than his punctilious old father. This being the case it
will not surprise you to learn that their chosen guests are-
Firstly. A fat, old, retired contractor, of singularly vulgar manners,
who gets drunk in the society of ladies.
Secondly. His beastly son, who also gets drunk habitually-who
spouts his own poetry when he is sufficiently sober-who smokes in
every room, whose avowed resort is the tap-room of a neighboring pot-
house, and whose favourite toast is the barmaid of that establishment.
Thirdly. Doctor Brown, a Radical of the most pronounced type,
who pockets his political prejudices in order that he may profit by
Lord Mompesson's patronage; and
Fourthly. A prurient old maid, of the accepted type, who listens at
keyholes. fExit MR. DANBY, to undress and go home.
JOHN FERNE.-A pleasant family party. [Exit, until he is wanted.
DR. BRowN.-Then three cheers for CROMWELL.
DR. BROWN (savagely).-Why?
BOB BUNNYTHORNE.-Because he was a hass. I don't think much
DR. BRowN.-Yah! I wonder what CROMWELL would have
thought of you!
EVA.-Dear friends, these intricate political discussions have no
interest for me. I am too weak to follow you through the mazy rami-
fications of the topic on which you are all so well qualified to speak-
So, if you please, we will change the subject. Here is a sentiment for
you-How beautiful are tradespeople !
ALL (Radicals and Tories).-Yah!
EvA.-They are-I ought to know. My mother, LoiD MOMPESSON'S
niece, ran away with the family pot-boy, and I never passed a happier
time than when I was pulling beer behind the bar of the Devil and
the Bag of Nails !
HoN. ARTHUR MOMPESSON.-Ah! how I love that girl. When I
am twenty, I will propose to her. (Strikes his forehead and knocks some
of the flour out of his hair, which makes him look about fifteen.)
[Procession: Exeunt LonD MOMPESSON, ARTHUR MOMPirssoN, DR.
EvA (looking out of window).- Ha! There is John Ferne, the young
engineer, who was staying at the "Devil and the Bag of Nails" last
summer. Come here, young engineer! [Beckons.
Enter Joan FERNE.
EVA.-Come and see the old abbey. [Exeunt.
Enter Miss MYRNIE.
Miss MYRNIE.- Well, I'm sure! A nice young couple to be sure !
I always disapprove of couples. I consider them improper. I shall
report this.
Miss MvRNIE.-Eva is wandering over the ruins with a strange
young man!
HON. ARTHnR.-Ha! When I am old enough I will thrash him!
ALL.--How is this, sir ? Who are you, and where have you been
with Miss Eva ?
JOHN FERNE.-We are old friends, sir, Eva and I. But I did not
come here to see her. I came to run a line of railway through your
abbey, which must be pulled down.
ARTHUR.- Pull down the abbey! Impossible.
JOHN FERNE.-When you are a little older you will understand that
to an Act of Parliament nothing is impossible.
ARTHun.-This is infamous. (Here follows a rhapsody.)
His SYCOPHANTS.-Utterly abominable.
MaR. BUNNi THORNE (aside to JOHN FERNE).-If you will arrange to
let your line make a detour, and so save the abbey, I will give you a
JOHN FERNE.-Secoundrel [Tableau.

ACT II.-The Tapestry Chamber.
Enter EVA, very ill, and DocTon BaowN.
EVA.- Shall I live, dear Doctor ?
DR. BRowN (diplomatically).-Wo will try and arrange that youa
AnvTHr..--Doctor, what is the matter with her.
Dn. BuowN.-Hush-She loves John Ferno-rWe must persuade her
that he loves her or all will be lost.
ARTHUR i.-Agony, when I love her so!
DR. BuOWN (soothingly to EvA).-And it shall be loved by its
little John Ferne it shall-there then-and it shall be married to its
John, it shall. (Aside, melodramatically to ARTHnU) Hush, it is our
only chance !
EVA.-Oh, are you telling me the truth ?
ALL.-We swear!
EvA.-Oh happiness! And will lie soon be here ?
ALL.-He will !
EVA.-When? when?
ALL.-Now! (Enter JOHN FERNr.)
ALL.-Pretend you love her-Don't ask why. Hush!
[Procession : Exeunt LORD MOMPESSON, HON. ARTHUR, DR BRowN,
EVA.-My own John.
JOHN FERNE (rather in the dark and coldly).-My beloved Eva.
EvA.-How happy we shall be.
JOHN FERNE.- Certainly.
EvA.-How long have you loved me, John?
JOHN FERNE.-Eh ? Oh, (looking at his watch)) hullo, I must be off.
(Aside) Forward ininx! [Exit rapidly.
Enter Miss MYmNIm.
Miss MymBim.-My dear, he don't love you a bit-ho was only
acting. [Exit.
EVA.-Acting! Heavens, this is too dreadful! I will catch cold
and die! (Rushes to windows-opens these, and stands in tCe.epo air,
allowing the snow to fall on her.)
BRowN, MR. BuNNYTHORNE, BOB Bunw axTsmu, ad Miss MyRxws.
ALL.-What is this ?
DR. BEowN (impressvely).-She has caught her death! [TaUiae.
ACT III.-The Council chamber.
(A long scene between the two BUNNYTHORNES in which they get di nk
and abuse one another. It has nothing whatever to do with the piece,
and will, no doubt, have been cut out long before this page is in the
enlightened reader's hands.)
HoN. ARTHUR.-Well, I have been to London, and I have used my
influence to such good effect that the railway will not pass through
Mompesson Abbey.
HON. AETHUR.-I shook all the flour out of my head, and looked
about twelve. My extreme youth so touched the committee sitting
on the Bill, that they cried like children, and ordered the promoters to
the Tower. There let them lie! How is Eva ?
DR. BROWN.- She lives, but you must give her up, my child. She
is too old for you; and besides, sho loves John Ferne. HIo only can
save her life.
HON. ARTHUR (resignedly).-Then send for John Ferne.
JOHN FERNE (who always turns up when he is wanted-entering).-
Behold him here Eva! (Rushes to her.)
EVA.-No; John PFerne, you were only acting.
JOHN FERNE.- No, no-I really like you- I do indeed.
EVA.-You do!
How. AbTHau.-Take her, John Ferne, she is yours. As for me
(shaking all the flour out of his head) send me to Harrow, or Eton, or
Winchester, somebody, where I may forget her.
EvA.-Arthur, I shall always look upon you as a dear, dear son.
CURTAIN. [ Tableau.
OURSELVES.-This piece is not one of MR. ROBERTSON'S happiest
efforts. It is well written, as, indeed, are all his pieces-the dialogue,
in parts, is quite as good as anything he has done, but the construction
of the piece is careless and the story suffers immensely by the charac-
ters being Anglicised. Such a collection of incongruities as the guests
assembled at Mompesson Abbey would be, in England, an utter im-
possibility. It is well played by MR. NEVILLE (who, however, looked
ridiculously young for a man of fifty), Ms. CLARKE and MR. PARBELLE
-admirably by Miss FOOTE and Mn. BILLINGTON. MR. MARSHALL did
his best with a dreadful part. MR. COLLETT has a good make up "
and Miss STEPHENS has a congenial part as Miss Myrnie. Scenery
good without being pretentious.

1. Running the gauntlet through two lines of idle eyes. 7. And such delicious feelings afloat!
2. A little inconvenience in lodgings may be borne; but your head in the garret 8. A good deal of weather has a habit of turning-up.
and your feet on the landing-hang it all! 9. But a fellow mvust get a blow.
3. Ha I those dear little-Lady Birds. 10. Another matter that you blow very much indeed.
4. Music, of course, is always exquisite. 11. The only not unpleasant recollection of the place.
5. And vocal harmony ecstatic bliss! 12. A memento of the sea-shore obtained, after unheard-of exertions, by daring
6. Such charming people ashore! stratagem and at fearful risk.

OuR warmest support has always been given to the Crystal Palace,
which does worthy work as "the Palace of the People's Pleasures."
But we have no words to express our disgust at the repetition on
Wednesday last of the so-called Concert, in miserable imitation of the
Monster clamour at Boston. In America anything that is "big is
considered great," but we hoped better things of the Crystal Palace.
It is consolatory to see that Mr. MANNs held aloof from the vulgarity,
which we feel sure was not approved of by any of the many able and
educated officials, though possibly quite in accordance with the tastes
of the managing director.
The Tonic Sol-fa Society have thoroughly disgusted all people of
taste by a repetition-for profit's sake- of a folly which was pardoned
in the first instance on the score of curiosity.
We trust the inhabitants of Sydenham and its vicinity will take steps
to prevent any recurrence of the nuisance. It is simply abominable that
people of delicate nerves and invalids-and there must be many within
reach of the noise- should be disturbed by the repeated firing of guns,
because a convocation of idiots cannot distinguish between noise and

Perils of the Streets.
WAYSIDE outrages have again set in with the Equinoctial gales.
One boisterous night we came upon an elderly gentleman in a
suburban district as he was engaged in a desperate struggle with-
an umbrella. .
MAY Education spread, but never let it enable a cabman to count his
horse's ribs

WE met-heigh ho !
A year ago;
To see was to adore you.
At least I know
I told you so,
And many more before you.
I bade you speak-
Your blushing cheek
Referred me to your mother;
Yet, fatal freak,
Within a week
You flirted with another.
My hopes were bright,
My cares were light,
NKo Fate our loves could sever:
'And now to-night
I have to write
"Adieu, adieu for ever!"
But know, my pet,
I'm not as yet
I do regret
That we have met,
But not that we have parted.

INSECTS we wish fa(r) ther.-Daddy Longlegs.


(To be concluded in our last.)
CoRNELIUS CHUFFLE took after his father. Like him he was born
on his first birthday, and was exactly a year old on its anniversary.
After that he grew older. He attained his greatest age on the day of
his death.
CORNELIUS also took after his mother, but that was when he began
to run alone; even then he only took after her when he thought she
was carrying something good to eat. This eccentric child was fond of
eating and drinking, and lost many a good appetite in consequence.
Let this be a warning against gluttony! When he could not get what
he wanted he cried, and the habit became second nature in conse-
quence. As he grew up to be a man he continued to cry. We have
ourselves heard him crying mackerel at the West End more than once.
People thought at first CORNELIUS was weak-minded, but those who
saw what heavy baskets he carried on his head, thought there could
not be much the matter with it. He only once showed signs of
imbecility. He raT all the way from the Old Kent Road to the Fire
Brigade station in Farringdon Street. Arriving there breathless he
said to the superintendent "There's a fire at my uncle's!" The
superintendent with business alacrity enquired where his uncle resided
and immediately dispatched an engine, on which CORNELIUS rode, to the
scene of the disaster, On reaching CORNELIUS's uncle's, the firemen
were surprised to see no signs of a conflagration. But CORNELIUS
ushered them into the kitchen where there was a fire in the grate just
enough to boil the kettle for tea.
"I told you there was a fire at my uncle's," said he.
We believe the firemen were rough upon CORNELIUS.
Although he did not marry, CORnELIvs had a wife and family. He
did not marry because he was married. His wife married him.
CoRNELTaU was a party to the proceeding, but he took no active part,
and did not seem to like it.
His wife was his better half, She was even considered his better
three quarters by some. She ruled him with a rod of iron, which
generally did duty as the kitchen poker. CORNELIa was a pattern of
a husband; but rather a variegated one in consequence. This was the
more strange as he was Irish: that is to say, he often remarked that
he would have been Irish if he had been born in Ireland of Irish
parents; and there is no reason for doubting his assertion.
CORNELIUS unfortunately had confused ideas of the rights of pro-
perty. Owing to the want in this country of a system of national
education, he had never learnt Latin, and consequently failed to dis-
tinguish between meum and tuum. His logic had also been neglected,
and he was found arguing from wrong premises-those of an opulent
jeweller-and transported. He was not transported at being tran-
sported, which might have been due to the fact, that criminals in those
days were sent into convict ships, instead of transports.
Australia was a clime that suited him-in short in a few years he
managed to climb to an exalted position. He became a wealthy man
and owner of a large property. In doing this, however, he was by no
means singular, many respectable people in the colony having begun
with the same advantages.
Two years ago CORNELIUs had reached the mature age of nine and
forty. We may leave our readers to draw their own conclusions as to
his present age, merely premising that he died last fall.
As yet no movement has been organised in England to erect a
monument to him. On the whole, however, wicked. as his early life was,
we scarcely think he deserves a statue.

Rum-very I
WE excise this par (it is our duty) from the prices current of the
Daily News :
RuE.-About 200 puns, sold at firmer prices-fair to fine, 2s. 4d. to 3s. 7d.
Is this a sample of the style at 2s. 4d. ? With puns at this price we
can't do better than recommend everybody to buy up our back volumes.
A complete set of the New Series of FUN, at this rate, must be honestly
worth a fortune. As the touting booksellers say-
Z' Only a few copies of this very interesting work now remain, and copies will
soon become scarce.
Take a Lesson from the Partridges.
THAT admirable institution, Guy's Hospital, is about to be en-
larged; now is your opportunity, holders of long purses or stray
sovs., imitate the "birds," and come out strong on "the wing."
Is 'em P
ACCORDING to the writer of Uncle Tom's Cabin LAD Y BYaROx's life
was Stowe-icism. MRs. STOWE'S is Egotism.

WHY is drawing from nature infectious ? It's sketching.


NAY, do not blame, my own one,
If I am late-if I am late,
And left thee long, thou lone one
To cogitate-to cogitate.
For could Love's wings have borne me
To this dear bow'r-to this dear bow'r,
Thou would'st not have to scorn me
For this late hour-for this late hour.
But Love his wings withheld, dear,
'Tis ever thus !-'tis ever thus!
And so was I compelled, dear,
To take the 'bus-to take the 'bus!
But 'buses slowly roam now,
And I was baulked-and I was baulked.
I know I d have been home now
If I had walked- if I had walked.

A Loaf-ly Idea.
WE learn from a contemporary that-
A new method of making bread has been discovered, and a patent taken out for
the process.
We regret to learn that the novelty only consists in the non-grind-
ing of the flour. We were in hopes that in those hard times some
philosopher had found out an easy way for a man to mako his bread
without as much grinding as is at present needful.

Taken-in to Bait.
AN American paper says:-We are glad to announce that the fish-
ing of lake Ausananquotansongomongotongo, in Oxford County, is
reported as first-rate. The fishing there ought to be good, FUN thinks,
since the mere name of the lake takes a line.

Stet Nominis Umbra.
A REPORTER of a local paper speaking of the plaintiff in a lawsuit
said he "bore the name SNooKS." We are glad to hear of the exist -
ence of one so resigned and tolerant. SNOOKS is a namo we over could

Net Profits.
SOME experiments have lately been made at Shoeburyness to test the
properties of the newly-invented gabion-netter. Should it not answer
the expectations formed of it, it is stated that the directors of a certain
Insurance Company will be consulted, owing to their experience in
gaby(on) netting.

SMSIFomts 1f Ostargsgxihwfs,

[ We cannot return unaccepted MfS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
PUNSTER.-An excellent pseudonym! None of your friends will know
you under that disguise, to judge from the specimen.
PPERn.-We don't know who is to pay you-twe shan't!
S. (Strand).-If Dr. Johnson had lived in our time he would never have
said, Sir, let us take a walk down Fleet-street," because he would have
known that he would never get beyond the window of Number 80.
POETICUS says if we reject his MS. he shall take it Elsewhere. Else-
where has our sympathies. We are sorry for Elsewhere. We are indeed t
THE MAN IN THE MOON.-Then why not send your carte ?
V. A. G. A.-Thank you.
C. M. D. (Queen's-road, Bayswater).-So you are "compelled to send
duplicates." Why even Falstaff would not be a cad, "on compulsion."
W. T.-Thanks!;
E. W.W. F. (Leadenhall-street).-Thanks.
INDIGENOUS.-A trifle too serious for us.
H. and T. S. (Bristol).-We have no doubt your butter would be good
in puff-paste, but shall not try the experiment.
B. A.-Under another form, perhaps.
A. D'O. B.-A captain and strike a woman! Fie I-and not even to send
your address to back up your courageous attack I Pah
Declined with thanks :-W., Malvern Link; Bodmunds; H., Surrey-
street; J. M., Camberwell; A. C., Southboro'; C. C., Cheltenham; WIah-
ington; Reuben Sparks, Ryde; Mentor; E. S., Holloway; Panky; W. C ,
Kingsland;W. B. C.; H. S., Ball's Pond; Jenkin; C. M., Hers;
Waltham Black; T. J. B., Selhurst; S. T. 0., Buxton; J. C. H., Dublin;
D., Shorneliffe; G. B. B., Manchester; Snooks; A., 62.; J.D., Prestwich;
D. T., Hartlepool; Doubtful; Vulpes, Brough; G. G., Louth; Broadrun;
S. W.; My Aunt's Nephew; T., Dalston.

OcroBEB 2, 1869.]



[OCTOBER 2, 1869.


THE summer are over,
The winter are coming
No more in the clover
The bees is a-humming.
The daisies is thinning,
The buttercups also;
The leaves is beginning
Likewise for to fall so.
The gales of October
Is heard in the Channel,
And folks as is sober
Is putting on flannel.
The storms that is blowing,
The coning and drumming,
Says summer are going
And winter are coming.

How do you take it P
A BANKERI'S CLERX wishes us to expose a grievance. "The Firm"
make an invariable practice of paying his hard-earned salary soft."

Ne Sutor ultra Crepidam.'
THE writer of an article in the Daily News of recent date discoursing
pleasantly on a shoemaker's holiday naturally enough puts his foot
in it. We quote the passage:-
The resting benches are empty, lights shine from the windows of the villas, or you
see the glimmer of dresses on the grass, and the clink of teacups.
This, we take it, is a clink-cher !

Wanted, more Light on the Subject.
EXPERIMENTS made in the Channel Fleet with the Colomb signal
lights appear to have given every satisfaction. Do we owe this in-
vention to the Columbarian society, and are the messages transmitted
in pigeon English ?

A Thought at a Small Tea Party.
'TIs a selfish age. How often does it occur that you find a company
of the most intense respectability comfortably seated around the table
while the source of their enjoyment, the teapot, is left to stand."

THE Alum-ni of London Tradesmen.-Bakers.

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Oct. 2, 1869.

OCTOBER 9, 1869.]



NY one who knows his Universal History must know all about
the "War of the Shoestrings," which lasted for thirty years
Sand nearly depopulated seven kingdoms, two archduchies and
a republic. It began in the reign of KING GoAMiBoo of
Aphania, who was indeed the cause of the war. For that monarch
commanded his people to abjure shoestrings and adopt button boots,
which gave serious offence to KING LoBO of Carinia, a country that
dealt largely in hides, and consequently had an interest in the sale
of shoestrings which were always made of leather in these regions.
TheAphanians were not slow to appreciate the benefit of buttoned boots,
and the commerce of Carinia languished accordingly, for the Aphanians
everywhere extolled button boots, and their example and advice had
great weight with the surrounding countries. Of course Lono could
not go to war on this pretext, but his representative at the court of
GOARIBoo was ordered to persevere in wearing shoestrings with long
ends, although the official directions for court dress forbade shoestrings.
The Carinian ambassador therefore appeared at a levee with the long
shoestrings and was not allowed to pass. A long correspondence
ensued on the subject, and the
diplomatists of both nations
had their hands full. The
quarrel spread-other coun-
tries became entangled in the
dispute, and in the end seven,
kingdoms two arch-duchies
and one republic found them- t.
selves squabbling about an
ambassador's shoestrings.
The difficulty, however,
might have been avoided but
for an unfortunate accident.
At a conference held in
Aphania to settle the dispute -
if possible by arbitration, the -
representative of Lono was
present and as a matter of
course wore his long shoo- -
who was also present, had the
ill-luck to tread on them and .
untie them, and when the
ambassador rose to go he
tripped over his own shoe-
strings and had an ignomini-
ous tumble. The next day
war was declared, the
different powers concerned
took sides, and the contest raged for thirty years, when the com-
batants left off from sheer weariness.
At the end of the war the various nations concerned found themselves
in a very reduced state. Not only had they spent vast sums and run
heavily into debt, but their male population was sadly diminished, all
the men capable of bearing arms, who could be persuaded to enlist,
having entered the army and got killed. Only the wise fellows who
did not see the object of risking their lives on the question of a shoe-
string were left, and they turned their wisdom to account as soon as
peace was declared. They began an agitation against war which
resulted in the assembling of a Peace Congress of all nations.
At that Congress it was agreed that in future war must be conducted
on a principle which did not involve loss of life. Bloodshed, as was
shrewdly observed by the president, was not argument. Wars there-
fore were not logical and could not be carried on logically. It was
necessary to find a substitute for fighting.
At first it was proposed that duels between the kings or statesmen,
who quarrelled, should decide the matter, but this was not quite
sweeping enough as a reform. It was next suggested that disputes
should be settled by tossing up a coin and crying "obverse and
"reverse "-the side which called correctly twice out of three times to
be considered the conqueror. This was scouted as democratic.
Finally it was determined that battles should be fought with drums,
and that the side which drummed the loudest should be held to be
This proposal gave general satisfaction for many reasons. It did
not do away with armies, the pomp and circumstances of soldiering
and the solid advantages of commanding and officering. It also
retained the semblance of a contest, and would encourage skill and
enterprise in the construction of drums. The members of the Congress


signed a solemn undertaking that from the first of next month they
would settle all national disputes by appeals to drums instead of arms,
and all the contracting nations vowed that they would see the agree-
ment carried out, and unite in punishing any nation that ventured to
depart from the rules of the Congress.
The Peace Congress lasted for a week, and went off without any
quarrels or fisticuffs, which was rather an unusual thing for a peace
congress to do.
All the nations at once set about re-organising their war departments.
Spears and guns were sold by public auction and were bought up by
the agriculturist for hop-poles and pea-sticks. Swords wore utilised
as carving knives, sausage-machine blades, and scythes. The money
thus realized was expended on the purchase of drums. Mutton became
so cheap, in consequence of the slaughter of sheep for the sake of their
skins, that you could get prime joints at three halfpence a pound.
Lamb, on the other hand, became proportionately dear, lamb parclunment
being too small for military purposes, and the farmers consequently
feeling reluctant to kill the animals when so young.
All the inventive skill of the various countries was turned to the
manufacture of drums. The Governments offered prizes for the
loudest and most portable drum, and the competition was of the live-
liest character. Meantime sword and cutlass drill, bayonet exorcise,
and rifle-shooting fell into disuse, and all the soldiers were set to
learn the tattoo. The whole vast tract of territory resounded with
"rub-a-dub-dub from morn till night.
In Aphania which, as has been frequently recorded in this story,
was a literary country, the
new mode of warfare and the
drum practice consequent
thereon wore anything but
~ .t.^ popular. There was a stir
about it in tho Talk House
Sa" nd it was finally decided
that a district called Bootin-
ter on the sea coast should
be devoted to the training of
the soldiery and the manu-
S facture and trial of big
To the scientific traveller
Bootinter was a place of
great interest, and was in-
variably visited by all
tourists of note who could
obtain a pass from the War
Department. Most interest-
ing trials might be witnessed
there ; the great contest car-
rioed on being that of drums
b --- 'versus cotton wool.
Sc- There had boon a groat
change in the defensive
armour of the soldier as a
natural result of the change
in the method of warfare. A
pith helmet with padded ear-flaps, quilted with cotton wool, was
adopted. The object in making these helmets was to defend the
organs against the noise of the drums, and the object in making the
drums was to overcome the deadening effects of these padded pro-
tections on the sound of the instruments.
The contest was carried on with varying results. A very loud drum
would be invented, and a large number manufactured for the troops at
great outlay, when suddenly a now medicated wadding would be
discovered which rendered the now drum inaudible. Thereupon a
bigger and louder drum would be made, and the medicated wadding,
of which large quantities had been ordered, would be found useless,
and a new experiment had to be tried. And so the contest went on
until the drum had become a colossal instrument, from which sound
was produced by volleys of cannon balls, and the wadded helmets had
become so huge and heavy that they had to be supported on a light
wheeled framework something like a go-cart.

OrTUM cuM DIG.-A child's holiday at the sea-sido.


46 F N [OCTOBERo 9, 1869.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, October 6th, 1869.
FIGHT indeed Largesse, gallant knights! Largesse! (No
allusion intended to the large S of the upper case, Mn.
ALDERMAN BESLEV). Well, let the best man win. What we
want in a Lord Mayor is not so much a magistrate as a host-
one who can dispense gracefully the hospitalities of the Guildhall on
civic-aye, and national occasions. There will be such next year, and
the present Mayor has been tried and found fully equal .to the
emergency. ALDERMAN BESLEY may be the same type of man, but at
any rate it is a virgin type, and we have had no proofs. Nevertheless,
we repeat, let the best man win. But stay! One of the champions
lowers his lance. The Mayor retires! Well, we hope in justice to his
backers he will publish the names of those who signed the requisition
and did not vote.

THERE exists, with regard to the cartoon in our last number, an
erroneous impression, which in justice to Ma. CHATTERTON and our-
selves, we take the earliest opportunity of correcting.
The conventional type of manager in that picture was not intended
to be a portrait of Ma. CHATTERTON. Still less were the words beneath
it-designedly framed to express the vulgarity of the sensational
drama as opposed to the dignity of the Shakespearian-meant as a sug-
gestion that they resembled his style of speaking.
We have scarcely exchanged half a dozen words with MaR.
CHATTErTON in our life, nor do we for one moment suppose that he
speaks in that manner. Those who have observed how scrupulously
we avoid all topics which we do not consider "within the limits of
becoming mirth," will know that we should have refrained from
making the misfortune of any one's neglected education a theme for
public ridicule, as we should from jesting at his poverty or his


ING CHARLIE has been
often sung-
A constant theme in
former days;
And never tired the Muse's
Of chanting in his
[And yet, you know, twixtt
you and me,
A greater scamp could
scarcely be!]

Nor were the bards the only
Who gave him their sup-
For nobles gave their lives,
their sons,
Their lands, to aid his
[Although when King,
twixtt me and you,
He showed his gratitude to
And e'en historians have striven
To whitewash him as Prince and King,
Although to none of them 'twas given
To quite effect the thing.
[Because, you see, twixtt you and us,
He was a most owdashus cuss "]
Ah, well! where ignorance is bliss "-
"HDe mortuis "-'tis just as well,
Although perchance they did amiss,
No ugly tales to tell.
['Twixt you and me, we're not, you know,-
Thank Heav'n-all MEs. BEEcnE. STOWE !]

THE ONLY SEA-AIRS WE DON'T LIKE.-Those played by the German
bands and organs, which infest our watering-places.

We hear of them often, and pity must feel
For victims of tumult who die by cold steel.
A country can scarcely be quiet, bereft
Of rule, and to duffers for Governors left.
1. An ancient legend I have heard,
That now seems foolish and absurd,
Wherein a creature, one of these
Is made the hero; now one sees
With wonder, that they leave dry ground
To sail the sea, the world around.
2. His father and sister and mother
Exclaimed with unanimous breath,
That bairn is no end of a bother,
And fairly fatigues us to death.
4. Never a sweeter name, England or France
Gave to a lady-it calls up a glance
From bright eyes, which, to help you the answer to guess,
I should say would belong to Sclavonic princess.
5. I scarcely know where 'tis, but you
Will find it in an atlas classic,
Not far from shores where once men drew
The wine denominated Massic.
And thither was a poet sent,
And often cursed his banishment.
6. I've heard it used in slang to mean
The revels kept up late at night:
I've seen it on a village green,
Watched by young urchins with delight.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 133. Heavy Gales: Hilding, Elia,
Annual, Verse, Yezidees.
SorrrTIONs or ACROSTIC No. 133, RECEIVED 29th SEPTEMBER.-None correct.

M BAnRx SULLIVAN has re-opened the Holborn with a drama
which is practically a departure from the programme of good sterling
English dramas which, he announced. Plain English is from the
French. It has considerable merit, and when the metaphorical
pruning knife has been freely applied will run well. On the first night
its action was interfered with by the needless introduction of two
impossible servants, and its plot was rendered somewhat incom-
prehensible because Henry Rutland, to whom is entrusted much of
its explanation for the audience, was almost inaudible. MR. BARRY
SULLIVAN acted Frank Blunt so well that we can only find fault with
his wig. Ma. GEORGE HONEY was excellent as Timothy Martin, and
MR. STEPHENS performed Brassey Harrell capitally. MR. LIN RAYNE,
as Reginald, showed promise of better things, especially in the last act.
The ladies had little to do, which was to be regretted, since MRas. VEZIN
was one of them-however, what she had to do was done admirably.
When Owen Cheek and Gagg have been eliminated the comedy will
deserve better the success it achieved on the first night, when much of
the hissing at the earlier portions was so obviously that of hired
disturbers, that the public sympathy grew warm in favour of the
acting. The dialogue is unequal, and the scenery effective, though
gaudy. A slight sketch entitled Wait for an Answer brought up the
curtain, and the performance concluded with The Waterman, in which
MEssas. COTTE and HONEY divided the honours. By the way, can
anyone tell us why the "jolly young waterman is always dressed as
a man-of-war's-man?
On the 9th instant MI. LsrTox will open the Olympic with David
Copperfleld, which is to be produced under the supervision of Mr.
DICKENS. A strong company has been got together, and there can be
little doubt that under MR. LISTON'S liberal and able sway the little
theatre in Wych-street will regain and add to its old popularity.
The Polytechnic has a new attraction in the shape of PsoioErsson
PEPPER's lecture on the Amsterdam Exhibition, which should draw if
only because every one will be curious to understand the meaning of
tentoonstelling, which is suggestive of canoodlingg" and all that is
The St. James's, which is to open shortly, is being entirely re-deco-
rated and fitted. Among the chief attractions we venture to prophesy
will be the new drop scene painted by MESans. O'CONNOR and WHITE.
It is appropriate, picturesque, and admirably carried out. We are glad
to note a step in this direction, for we are weary of the curtains and
frames, temples and fountains, flights of steps and swans, which are
generally found in such works.

SOMEBODY'S Sluy-.AGE.-Exhibited daily betwixt Holborn-hill and

F U N .S-OCTOBERom 9, 1869.




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OCTOBER 9, 1869.]



HERE never was a
SWho studied more
/ His very simplest plan

The smallest of his schemes,
(As I've already stated)
And all his wildest dreams,
Were equally debated.
But, ah! of all the host
Of social cons that harry,
This con perplexed him most,
S'a Shall I do well to
marry ? "
For A. espoused a wife
Young, lovely, and with money,
And people thought their life
Would be one moon of honey.
But, ah, before a year
O'er life's rough road they'd jolted,
With some disgraceful peer
Good Mns. A. had bolted.
While B., whose wife is plain,
Poor, cross, and half-demented,
Seems always, in the main,
Exceedingly contented.
But there is C., his joy,
(His wife, a year united,
Has given him a boy
And C. is quite delighted.)
And STUTELY sees his pride,
And thinks it pleasant, rather,
(And also dignified)
To be a baby's father.
"But ah! thinks he, perhaps
This baby, full of graces,
May prove the worst of chaps,
And have the worst of faces !
To-day's bright source of joy
May joyless be to-morrow,
And this much-cherished boy
May bring his parents sorrow !
"I'll see how he turns out,
His parents' care rewarding,
A Crichton or a lout,
And I'll be ruled according.
"If Baby turns out well,
I certainly will marry-
If Baby proves a sell,
A bachelor I'll tarry "
Now, Baby's good as gold,
With cheeks as red as roses,
A' d STUTELY (rather old)
To some fair maid proposes:
Now, Baby's cross and cries,
And won't let Nursey clean it;
And STUTELY seeks his prize,
And says he didn't mean it.
Well, Baby, fat and bluff,
And first-rate health enjoying-
Is sometimes good enough,
And sometimes most annoying.
And S., with puzzled fate,
Immediate marriage throws up,
And thinks he'd better wait
And see how Baby grows up.
'When baby grows a lad
No rule of conduct stops him ;
And when extremely bad,
His father comes and whops him.

And STUTELY says with joy,
"I'm glad I thought of stopping;
I couldn't whop a boy,
And boys want lots of whopping !"
When baby grows a man
He takes to serious teaching;
And later on, began
A course of highway preaching.
And STUTELY cries "Well done!
A credit to his mother!
That's something like a son-
I wish I'd such another! "


And Instinct whispers Mate !
You're wasting time, you gaby "
But Prudence whispers Wait!
And see what comes of Baby "!
And Prudence gains the day,
For Baby takes to orgies:
He seeks the sinner's way,
And finally he forges.
And Baby, for his crime,
Is numbered, shaved and sorted,
And to a penal clime
Is carefully transported

And STUTELY shakes his head,
And says he's glad he tarried;
And STUTELY'S still unwed,
And means to die unmarried

A Plain Answer.
AN advertisement in a contemporary commences thus, "Can you
identify your watch ? Can you recognize your umbrella ?" We can
identify the former, having a good memory for faces. As to the
latter, we lent it a friend some time ago and have never had a chance
of recognizing it since.



A STRANGE place this London! It contains as many peculiar people
as a continent does different nations; and with boundaries as clearly
defined. Take Bow Street as an example :-if you could cover it with
your hat-especially of a Saturday afternoon-the chances are you
would catch all those pleasant butterflies, who flutter over the stage and
round the stage, to delight the eye, or pay the salaries.
Come on it from which quarter you please, the moment you are in
Bow Street you tread on enchanted ground. Come from the Strand
and Eastward, which district is of the newspaper, newspapery,-come
from the Russell and Bedford Squares, which district is of the snob,
snobby,-come from Regent Street through Covent Garden, which
district is of the swell, swelly-and you are in a new world the
moment you set foot in Bow Street. The capital of this Bow-heria is,
I think, bounded East and West by the sides of the street, with a
tendency to bulge out towards the Albion. On North and South it
ranges from the emporium of the perennial MAY to the hairdressing
saloons of CLARKSON, the master of Wiggery. Within these limits
you will meet the theatrical world generally. In order to prove it, let
us, d la JOHNSON, take a walk down Bow Street.
Yes I Here you are! Say rather, here they are! That's a great
basso, unctuous and easy tempered. He is in converse with the spirited
manager of a transpontine theatre, which might set an example of
order and good arrangements to its Cis-Thamesian brothers. He is
going to produce an operetta, if you please, and is talking over the
musical question with the great singer, recalling as he should do in
such a locality, pleasant recollections of the Cave of Harmony.
" Who's that?" Well, he looks more like an actor than any of the
others, with that farcical hat and shaven face. But he's a patron of
the drama merely. He's not the rose, but he has lived so near it, that
he has acquired the odour and outward seeming. The face behind
him is not on the grin, but it is suggestive of Gaiety. To his right
"an old man "- no, he isn't, but they generally call him so in the
Drury Lane play-bill-it's a way they have.
Are you enamoured of the prospect ? Dost love the picture ? there
straight before is the party who will frame you in it. Yes, a
Theatrical Agent, looking as comfortable as if he had no internal
doubt as to whether he had not sent the two hundred ballet-girls, who

[OCTOBER 9, 1869.

are wanted at John-o'-Groat's Theatre, to the Land's-End Lyceum,
which is awaiting the fifty supers that have gone to the J. o' G. T.
Yonder's a villain-but it is not his fault. He is the embodiment of
virtue, struggling against the cruelty of the British Dramatist who
will write villains' parts for him. He is doubtless commingling his
grief with that of his friend, who has also been a villain, at times. It
is hard to be a villain, and smile and smile, when you would like to
try some other line of business.
Another manager-another actor- a speculator in tickets Miss !
Here they all come. I don't mention the lady's name, because it is the
habit of some bold Britons, if once they have had an actress pointed
out to them in the street, to say they know her very well, and to
circulate other stories to her disadvantage. There, don't be offended !
You're a gentleman, and wouldn't do such a thing, but I might be over-
heard, and I respect the stage, and take off my hat with pleasure to
the clever and kindly women who adorn it, in spite of libLls and lies.
What do you say to sherry and bitters ?

For Music.*
INKERY pinkery toe-toe!
Toosery poosery show, show!
Hie to da-da,
Kiss-kissy ma,
Ickle-y pickle-y, bo, boh !

A good Raisin.
A SPANISH paper says it is currently reported that the King of .
Portugal will accept the throne of Spain. We should have thought
that considering the fruits of the country the report should have been
made by grape, not currently.

A Home Truth.
COUNT the cost before setting out on a continental trip, or you may
find yourself, incontinently, "all abroad." |
And why not ? It's quite as much sense as you find in most songs nowadays..
-AuTHOR. [We can't say; we never can hear the words of songs nowadays.-EJ.]


OCTOBER 9, 1869.]


Sin,-Seeing in your advertisement columns the other day an
announcement of a "poet's pipe," and being anxious to devote any odd
time at my disposal o. the achievement of the highest distinctions of
literature, I purchased one. I was told it is so called because. it can
always be stood-up when not in use. This may mean that it is
impossible for it to be stoopid- and yet you can scarcely have poetry
without an ink-line. Anyhow the new invention seems practical and
sensible -epithets rarely awarded to poets.
But to my purpose! I have devoted myself to smoking the pipe
with a view to qualifying as a poet; and I enclose specimens of my
style at various periods.
This is my style before the first pipe: -
Twinkle, twinklek little Daddy-longlegs,
You'll burn yousse in, the gas as sure as eggs are eggs;
This is my style siter thseb pipes:-
It I eer se caution,
I possibly may
XWin someday a portion .
Of thbe. petical bays.
This is ay style aler si gi les:-
Ah, mea! als, me!
Weal I coAl be
A yaag eockllly bI'lt up in a treg,.
for I rwald sing
Till the.' woods should *i;wg-
Cheep chip, ehip, eheitap, twit twee, twee, twee, twwee
After my' ninth pipe--
oLtowNEss, A soN1at
Aye, iaurn, sad heart, in a deceitful- woilt
'Where all Uf hollow, and all things decay-!
Froli t&a dgk moment when I first was hbwlcd
O vLiW hatd sphere, that ever was its way ;
Whewe all that were, should be; what must- be, may-!.*
Therefore, lament not for expiring. Truth,
For Honour's frailty, Dignity's disuse,
For hollow Friendship, and the lack of Ruth :
All these be things of rarity forsooth
Compared my sharp suffering profuse!
This much decayed -this hollow double tooth
Still keeps on aching, aching like the deuce.
Come, gentle dentist, give me respite, popping
Therein the patent Pamphlyxanageticon stopping.
After my twelfth pipe : -
[As this is an epic of six thousand lines, we omit it in mercy to our
readers, whose death it would be, and then where would our immense
circulation be next week ?-Ed. FUN.]
THERE, SIR I ask you if that is not poetry ? if so, be good enough
to send round the price of a quarter of a pound of the best Bristol
Bird's Eye at once. I'm out of baccyy, and in the meantime the world
is losing poetry. Yours, &c., TYRO.

Wire in !
WE see that the new Great Oceanic Telegraph Company arc going to
sink their wire without sinking a lot of capital too in hiring the Gr-e
East rn to lay it. We always thought that the "paying-out" so fre-
quently alluded to in accounts of her cable-laying, must have been a
great drain of the shareholders' pockets. We observe, however, that
to make cock sure of the laying, LORD POULETT has been elected chair-
man, and has begun to sit already.

A Surprise.
THE Seabirds ornamenting the capitals of the pillars of New Black-
friars Bridge are all "looking down." After the protection they have
lately enjoyed we confidently expected to find them looking up "
Has the hideous railway bridge anything to do with it ?

HirrorHAGY is outdone in Paris, where the eccentric bon.vivants
have had a banquet off rats. What a pity the notion was not thought
of earlier. It would have been an appropriate substitute for the
white-bait dinners of a certain Ministry And yet no! Cannibalism!

I'll d make it poetry I should like to know what it is !

's Ee beautiful. If that don't

The Chancellor of the Exchequer is to be seen practisin 0.1a a bicycle near his
residence at Warlingham.-Scotsman.
LowE, and behold The Chancellor
Of the Exchequer,
Keeping up his pecker,
Cool and collected as an icicle,
Upon his bicycle!
Will he the tax on things of two-wheels cancel, or
Does he design with imposts now to bleed
The pockets of each rider,
Owner, provider,
Strider, or guider,
Of the now popular velocipede ?
Sure, a divided duty he must feel
(While the sharp exercise improves his health)
Between the duties that he owes
To these and those:
Those are the interests of the common-wheel,
A)d these the interests of the commonwealth.
LOWE, there he flies
Before our eyes,
)W h silver hair and a complexion ruddy5
Well, 'tis a good thing that he is a votary
Of the new rapid rotary!
Solace the Exchequer's Chancellor is he,
Ot course you see
'flat keeping balance is his proper study!

Age before Koneaty.
'iTex J soI ,. 1Ae notorious forger of' fossils and other relics, was
brought bebre aWe Northajlterton magistrates charged with theft. Hoe
pleaded itb4 when he comMitted it, he was superannuated with
drink."' We suppose. h& bekli had more thnz hqqW ".'old.

WE understand, thlM #f4 Session, thllese will be- q decided attack
made upon the law- ofCapita Puaibhment. The forces of the oppo-
nents of Hanging are strengthened by the accession of the Temperance
party. Of course the latter might be expected to oppose the Drop.

A HINT roa LIFE INSURANCE COMPANIES.-Honesty is the best

ksllf.r 30 t 00fffjsYplthriffis,

[ We cannot return unaccepted S118. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope ; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
W. C. D. (Pockham).-Encloses us "a trifle from his pen." He should
get rid of that pen immediately, or it will get him into a scrape. It should
be commuted into a retiring pen --.
A. B. D.-Well! You can't rhyme hippopotamus ?
THE author of Nursery Rhymes has evidently not been put to his
feet" yet-at any rate his lines don't scan.
J. L P. (Brighton).-We have no recollection of the matter.
NovICE.-We are not so sure of that, for there are so many faults in the
drawing, that we should not set you down as without any vice.
J. A. W. (Glasgow).-MS. illegible. At least, we have no time to spare
for Chinese puzzles.
MICHAEL CAssIO (Pimlico).-Your MS. was evidently written after the
noted occasion when you put an enemy into your mouth "-with the well-
known result.
HIBERNUS (Dublin) -Why send your printed rubbish "Doctor and
Devil" and Juventus Mundi?" We shall keep them (until our wanted
paper basket is emptied) as a curious instance of inanity that has achieved
the honours of typo.
EIGHT READERS -Ate readers-we never did In this case we think
we've drunk readers.
T. A (Cockcrmouth).-Ttcy may serve as hints-nothing more.
C. F. M. (Stanhope-street).-We cannot depart from our rules.
BOXLEY (Jersey).-A free admission to the Asylum for Idiots awaits
your call at our office.
W. G. D. (Chatham).-Thanks for the suggestion.
Declined with thanks.-L. B., Charles-street; J. B. B.; A. C., Glis-
gow; L. T.; Buz-Fuz, Plymouth; E. B., Birkonhead; A R. C.: Booby;
L ; R C., Notting-hill; F. D Vale Place; Alpha, Chelsea; B. D. C.;
F.; W. J. M., Strand; McK., Maze Pond; R. G. N., Walting-street; B.;
F., Musleyne do Laine; Pain-Avoider; S. L. M., Buxton; J. J.; S Dal-
ston; Beebee, Liverpool; Amicus Cure-itm; Loggerhead; Jem Baggs ;
F., Manchester; An Owl: The Imnperturlhable; 1) S ; Toollelum Tay;
Basque; F. D., Dublin; W.; A Cuss and No Mistake; Ludovic


I? U N1

[OCTOBER 9, 1869.

t~. ~ j

-1 'IJ

Miss Priscilla Evergreen (to Bathing Woman) :-"OH, OH, COULD I HAVE A dark BATHING-GOWN, PLEASE; I'sM so FAIR, YOU SEE!"

IN the Cornhill MR. CHARLES READE'S novel is full of thrilling
interest. The only drawback is that it seems drawing to an end. The
illustrations are good, and the remaining contents are up to the
average. There is one of MR. ARNOLD'S clever but conceited essays
among them for the delectation of those who can appreciate him.
Belqravia gives the last chapters of John Company," which is
effectively wound up. The Brittany Legends series is tellingly con-
tinued, and MEssRs. THORNBURY and ROBINSON contribute to the
excellence of the number. MR. LEITCH's In the Valley is the best
art. The illustration to Mt. SAWYER'S musical lines should have been
sent to a comic periodical. The buxom lady hiding behind a tree no
bigger than a lamp-post is very funny.
London Socie'y is brisk and amusing this month. MB. WHYTE
MELVILLE'S rather sensational story "M or N" is wound-up in it. The
illustrations are pleasantly varied, some pretty, some comic, and the
number altogether is a good one.
In Once a Week the best thing to our mind is a fanciful illustration

imitation, and as a political satire, are very flat. Of the illustra-
tions we like best a very pretty landscape-one of the class of pictures
for which this magazine is noted.

The Premier and the Aberdeen Invitation.
WHAT use, Aberdonians, a scheme to arrange,
That cannot turn out as you plan it ?
Geology knows not an instance of change
Of a GLAD-STONE to Aberdeen Granite.

A Lesson.
IT is stated that a man at Montreal, to play a trick on a fellow-
lodger, drank of a good deal of a bottle of whisky which the latter had
strongly impregnated with Morphia. He died in consequence. Let
this be a warning not merely against taking morphia, but against
taking more-than-is-good-for-ye.

Sto.ndiro' Shnot

of winged seeds." The other cut would have borne better execution. .
The literary contents are on a par with those of the first number, and A WELL-KNOWN Irish Q.C. has refused to stand for Tipperary. He
there is room for improvement. declines to be its BuTr-and we don't wonder, considering the amount
Tinsley's is a good number, with an agreeable variety and not too of shooting that is done there.
many serials. An article on the Decline of the Drama," is clearly
and temperately written. The Laputa travels are a rather feeble MOTTO for Libellers of the Dead :-Beast, oh!

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Oct. 9, 1869.

OCTOBER 16, 1869.] I 1J N 55

THE light and lively bard intends
Hereby to utter proclamation
To literary lady friends
Throughout the limits of the nation.
An album is a pretty thing-
The verses of the bard are clever;
But he requests to say (or sing)
He cannot scribble rhyme for ever.
Society is rather hard
Upon the light and lively bard.
"You have a little time to spare,
Do write me, Mr. Bard, a sonnet
Upon the latest hue in hair,
Or else the newest style of bonnet.
I know you have a ready Muse-
Your lyrics are intensely funny;-
To write for love you can't refuse,
You write so very fast for money! "
Society is rather hard
Upon the light and lively bard.
Suppose the bard were in a line
Who seek to cultivate the Nine
Tn regions which are called the upper;-
Were he the genius of his day,
And not among its flippant scoffers,
His lady friends would flee away
In terror from his rhyming offers.
Society is rather hard
Upon the light and lively bard.
The bard will never more indite
For album, out of town or in it;
Though Phoebus give him skill to write
A dozen epigrams a minute.
There's one resolve he cannot shrink
From firmly but politely hinting ; -
He quits the world in pen and ink,
And only speaks to it in printing.
Society shall not be hard
Upon the light and lively bard.

WHY should a M. F. H. be a happy man ? Because
he presides over a (Y)ap-py Family.


THE St. Paul's magazine contains besides a trenchant critique on
.Fo,' sa, and an interesting paper on Buf'm, a most amusing story of
a "Turkish Bath"-an editor's tale. We fancy it must have some
foundation in truth, and we wonder if the voluminous contributor is
the same one who used to leave us cartloads of copy written on wall-
paper, the margins of daily journals, and old shirt collars!
The St. James's gives us two papers on the BYRON controversy, and
an article on the stage. MR. HANNAY'S novel continues to amuse, and
has a strong personal flavour that is not unpleasant, The portraits of
statesmen improve. They look well by gaslight-in daylight there is
a dryness and weakness about the colour, but the likenesses are
In Temple Bar the most-read paper will be that on LADY BYRON'S
character. It will well repay perusal. We are glad to see the critic
of poetry of the period deals sharply with the Transatlantic TUPPER,
WHITMAN, whom some really clever men have been weak enough to
praise for the mere sake of eccentricity. The rest of the contents will
be found fair enough.
Good Words is a pleasant number with plenty of pictures. The
Commissioner on "the Banffshire Fisherman" is a singularly attrac-
tive paper.
The Sunday Magazine opens a new volume without a serial story.
This seems a pity, for excellent as are the essays on serious subjects
which form the bulk of the magazine, we do want a little lighter
matter mingled with them. The illustrations are excellent-especially
one of Charity, which is not unworthy of the pencil of MR. SANDYS-
and that is high praise !
In Good Words for the Young King George's Middy" comes to a
stop somewhat abruptly, and Lilliput Lectures" close. Although
the instalment of the North Wind is brief, the number altogether
is a capital one. A change of editorship is announced, but the

Magazine will not lose ground under the command of MA. GEORGE
THE Atlantic Monthly is pleasantly varied. We look in it in vain for
any reply from MRS. STowE to the flat denial that has been given to
her BYRON fiction.
In Our Young Folks MR. ALDRICH's "Bad Boy" discourses very
truthfully about the tender passion as felt in boyhood. The other
contents are amusing as usual.
We have also received the Gardener's Magazine, Scientiflo Opinion,
the Young Ladies' Journal, the Naturalist's Note Book, the Carlow
College Magazine, 5, Bow Churchyard Kragazit e, and Le Follet, all fully
up to their respective standards of merit.

Pen-ny Wise.
THE DUKE or ARGYLL is said to have desired that the consumption
of quill pens should be curtailed, and that of steel pens increased in
proportion, and a careful inquiry is beidg made into the matter by
heads of Departments. Is His Grace doing this in the interest of the
goose, sympathetically, or with a view to adding a supplementary
chapter to his notes on "The power of flight?" But does it not
strike him that to encourage cur-tailed goose-quills is flying in the
face of Nature, like MR. DARWIN ?

THE Broad Arrow commences an article by saying "That glorious
institution, the regimental mess," &c. Just as if that glorious institu-
tion a mess were confined to regiments. Even an Insurance Office
may indulge in it.

To TOURISTS IN PARIS.-Visit the Caf6s Chantants in the Champs
Elysies if you would enjoy your coffee au lay.

VOL. X. v



SUN OFFICE, Wedaresday,.Oetober 13th, 1869.
OW they are making such vast improvements the City we trust
they will not spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar. With the new
Bridge at Blackfriars, the Viaduct when it is open!- at
Snow Hill, and the new Street to the Mansion House, we
shall have a city that we can show with pride to the foreigners who
visit us. But surely, to make the picture perfect, we must remove
the old houses between the Poultry and Bucklersbury, and throw
open the space to give a fine sweep to Mansion House Street, and a
good view of the Bank and the Exchange; A spirited and wealthy
corporation like the City should not' hesitate a moment on a matter of
such simplicity, or plead pounds shillings .and pense as an excuse for
omitting to crown that edifice of improvement and.-adornment, of which
the first stones are laid at Snow Hill, Blackfriams Bridge, and, in
Mansion House Street. The old hen-ropost must ,go, if. the City is
setting its house in order; and the sooner the better, i .anot merely on
testhetic- grounds, but because the narrowness of the -thoroughfare at
present is a danger and disgrace to London.

THE difference in the number of slaughters which distinguishes
between a murderer and a hero is not exactly a fleabite. But the
bounds which would seem to divide a monarch from a maniac are
infinitesimally small, to judge from the following extract from the
Pall Mall Gazette :-
A correspondent of one of the German periodicals gives an account of a person-
age now enjoying a considerable amount of notoriety at San Francisco. This is
" Norton the First, Emperor of the United States," as he pleases to call himself,
with the acquiescence of his fellow-townsmen. This exalted potentate may be seen
p!.r'mbulating the street from morning to night, clad.an a uniform of blue-green
with epaulettes, and a general officer's hat, with a rose in his button-hole. When
he wants money he goes to a banker's or a merchant's counting-house, and de-
mands small remittances, which his obsequious subjests.selomrTefuse -him, though
how far they are daunted by his threats of sovereign displeasure and forcible extor-
tion may be doubted, seeing that in very truth the Emperot Norton I. is nothing
more than a poor lunatic, an English Jew by origin, and one of the first pioneers "
of California, who lost his wits on the occasion of one of the destructive fires which
befell San Francisco in the early years of its existence. Anywhere else, probably,
his Imperial Majesty would have been consigned to the company of otherimaginary
sovereigns in some local Bedlam, but the good-natured Californians tolerate and
even voluntarily support him. Whln he goes to a restaurant or a first-rate hotel
for his daily meal he demands attendance with a majestic voice, and assumes airs of
the bib"l-t rlieritv to all around him. His dinner over, be sometimes (not always)
asks 'i. l. b. but the answer is sure to be Never mind, Emperor !" When
in want of a new uniform he advertises the fact in the paper, as a requisition to his
subjects, and subscriptions are forthcoming at once. He claims relationship with
most of the European sovereigns, those at least of "legitimate" authority.
Napoleon III. he hates as an interloper. He entirely ignores his Hebrew ori in,
arguing, with due regard to logic, How can I be a Jew, seeing I am so nearly re-
lated to the Bourbons, who it is very well known were not Jews Norton the
First is a generous monarch, and gives away his tributary dollars, for which he
certainly has no need, to the destitute, being not willing, as he says, that any one
should suffer from poverty in his dominions.
NORTON I. dresses well, lives well, calls every cing his brother, and
when he wants money taxes his people. What else could he do if he
were really king of the Gold Coast. The trait exhibited in the last
sentence is not so general among crowned heads. But in other respects
what is the difference between this deluded man and a despot? 'We
suppose the distinction is that a despot is a clever man ruling over
idiots, and NORTON an idiot ruling over clever men.

Pall -Mall English.
THE English of the district of Pall Mall, according to the Gazette of
that region, is a very peculiar dialect.
The agreement of a verb with its nominative is not considered requi-
site, and pronouns are used in the singular or plural at the pleasure of
the writer. Illustrations of this elegant idiom may be found in every
number; the following are taken from Harvard's apologia" in the
Gazette of a recent date:-
"Here is Hr. Lori-g's own words"-" Tliese sort of contests, it will be said in
future, arc apt-to breed both Bile and Bunkum."
Phrases which are no less remarkable for elegance of style than
grammatical accuracy.

A New Moon, indeed!
A GERMAN philosopher has written a pamphlet-of 2000 pages by
the way! -to prove that we shall shortly have a second moon.
Can the development of this new lunar, influence account for the re-
action which has been set up in some minds-if we may be pardoned
the term-in favour of Protection.

[OCTOBER 1i, 1869.

SUMMER shade, and winter path,
Flying from the breeze's wrath.
Sere and yellow, withered, curled,
Ever in wild eddies whirled-
Welladay that we must say
Farewell, summer's gone away!
1. The cockney in the stern-sheets sat,
But really he did not know what to be at:
Till the boat seemed so likely her stays to miss,
That the boatman cried "lubber!" and bade him do this.

2. A character we owe
Before she took to libelling departed poets so.
3. Riches take wings and fly away,
And the wonder was small in a former day,
When half a sovereign seems to have been
Described as a regular flying machine.
4. To cithar, mandolin, theorbo,
You need, to make them squeak and snore, bow.
And this also
Requires a bow,
At least I think it does, you know.
5. A beard, and sandals, and a shirt horse-hairy,
A dish of pulse, a dwelling solitary!
6. You shudder that form to behold,
At the sight a cold chill runs throughout you ;
And yet you need scarcely be told
You carry one always about you!
SOLUTION or ACeOSTIC No. 134.-Autumn Change : Almanac, Un-
couth, Taffeta, Urn, Mug, Nitre.
Grosvenor Restaurant; Godfrey; Slapdash; Non Sine Pore; Uncas; Walsall Races;
Bleu. Corbleu, and Parbleu: Bear's Den; S. and K.; Gray's Gallivanting Giants;
Old Maid; Nect r; A. M. ; W. B.; Digging Dibble; Ross; Younger Men; Jersey-
man; Lara; Mu Nu; D. E. II.; S. and Reginald; Proteus; Gem; Timothy and Co.;
Bis Dat; Old Cider Eye; Prior of G.; Ram; Emilie; Tom-all-by-himself; J. A. H.;
Slodger and Tiney; E. A., Dalston; Sour Sermon; Nemo; R. H., Port Ellen;
Beatre C. ; Caterham; Pimlico Tom Cat; Barnacles; Linda Princess; Norwood;
J. H. L.
By an oversight last week D. E. H. was omitted, though he gave a correct
solution-the only one-of No. 133.

THERE never was such a lucky chap as DIcc DowTro, my old
schoolfellow. He went through life with a singular immunity from
bothers and troubles. But his crowning felicity was that he never
had his mother-in-law to stop with him.
Who does not know what that awful sentence means ? First there's
the letter from "dear mamma" inquiring how her "dear child" is.
The dear child is going on pretty well. That means that circum-
stances over which she must have control are about to happen and call
dear mamma to the side of her dear child. And once installed-and
under such circumstances-she is mistress of the situation. No
smoking can be allowed. You musn't bring a friend home to dinner.
It's very wrong to stay late at the club. Had you not better give up
your study-you don't want it-and make a nice little sitting room of
it for dear mamma ? But that's not the worst.
The dear child and the dear child's husband being after all only
human, don't get through life without differing in opinion once or
twice. Dear mamma thinks you are a brute to behave so to that sweet
child! And she backs up the sweet child and teaches her rebellion.
She teaches rebellion in another way too, for the servants can't
stand her, and they all leave.
Now DICK DOWTON escaped all this. Lucky DICK DOWTON! I told
him I thought he was lucky. He laughed, and told me the secret.
But that deserves another chapter.
DICK DOWTON never had his mother-in-law to stop with him. He
never married, you see. That's how he managed it.
Wasn't he a lucky dog ?

A Cheering Prospect.
AT the Farewell Finlen Banquet the interesting guest and hero of
the evening made a speech, at the end of which he stated that He
intended to rehabilitate himself and then return to this country."
That's all right. We are glad to hear it: we shan't see him back for
some time.


\ .8

~- -~-- ~-


pi i









,- \


~7 I1&





ACT 1. SCENE 1.-Franklin's Villa at Acton.
LAURA.-My own. [They do.
Enter the Pa*NCE ansd PBNC*SS OF WALES to Royal Box. Enter at
the same moment MR. C. H. STEPHENSON as FRANKLIN, to Staqe. En-
thusiastic reception of PR*NCE and Pi*NC*SS OF W*LES by audience,
and graceful acknowledgment thereof by MR. STEPHENSON.
MA. FRANKLIN (still rather overpowered by his reception).-Away, I
would be alone! (They away.) I would indeed be alone, or rather, a
loan, that I might borrow myself, and place the bank once more on a
satisfactory footing. Eater his wicked cashier RAWLINGs.
RAWLINGs.-The Bombay Castle in which Walter Coram, your
principal creditor, was returning to England from India, has gone to
the bottom and all hands are lost!
MR. FRANKLIN (devoutly).- Heaven be praised! [They pray.
(At this moment, great excitement of snobs and snobbesses at 0. P. end of
dress circle. They have just discovered that with a little manneuvring
the R*y*l back hair can be distinctly seen over partition of box. Special
excitement of ore dowdy snobbess in third row, three from the end.)
LORD ALFRED.-Laura, I can never marry you. Can I say more ?
LAURA.-You cannot, my ever frank and noble Alfred!
[They fall into each other's arms.
SCENE 2.-Exterior of Jessop's Herbarium, Love Lane, Lambeth.
Enter JESsoP.
JEssoP.-I had three months for practising without a diploma, but.
somehow a month of my time has been remitted.
RAWLINGS.-It has, and through my agency. The Home Secretary
is a customer of ours, and I told him that if he didn't release you, I
wouldn't let him overdraw.
JEssoP.-My best of friends. But your object ?
RAWLINGS.-I want you to personate a dead man, one Coram,
who was our principal creditor. He is drowned, but we can easily
account for his escape, and you shall have half the swag, 30,000.
SCENE 3.-Interior of Jessop's Laboratory.
Enter KATEY JESSOP and WALTER CORAM (who for some reasons best
known to himself is passing as MR. WALTERS).
CoRAIM.-Katey, you saved my life, when I was desperately ill, and
as a return, I will tell you its story. 'Tis now some thirteen thousand
years since-
KATEY (interrupting him).-No; pray don't.
CORAM.-At all events you will listen to my escape from shipwreck ?
KATEY (resignedly).-Well, go on.
CoBAM.-I was to have returned from India by the Bombay Castle,
round the Cape, having taken the unusual precaution of sending my
shirts and socks by overland mail. However, I didn't sail by the
Bombay Castle, which was lucky, as all hands went down with her.
KATEY.-And your shirts and socks ?
CORAMs.-Came overland as usual. It is an expensive mode of
transit for heavy goods, but I love my shirts and socks and would not
put them to the inconvenience of coming round the Cape with me if it
could be avoided. Besides, I am an old opium-eater, and do many
eccentric things under its influence. For instance, I have 50,000 a
year, but I take lodgings in Love Lane. Again, I love you-yes,
you, Katey!
KATEY.-Oh, forbear, kind sir-I love Rawlings !
Enter RAWLINGS, with several boxes.
RAWLINGS.-Yes, sir, she loves me. I am sorry.
CoRAM.-Oh, don't mention it, I'm sure.
RAWLINGs.-You're very good.
COnAM.-Not at all-it's of no consequence. [Exeunt.
CORAM.-Ha 1 those boxes! They are mine, and they contain my
shirts and socks! How came they here ?
RAWLINGs.-Looking at those boxes, sir ? Ah, there's a curious
tale connected with them. They belong to one Walter Coram, who
commissioned me to bring them here.
CoBAM (sagaciously, aside).-There is some imposture here, but I
will dissemble. (Aloud, with hidden meaning) Oh, indeed!
RAWLINGS.-Yes; I'll tell you all about it--
Tableau. Act drop fulls.
ACT II. SCENE 1.-The Gardens at Acton Villa.
Enter Mn. FRANKLIN, RAWLINGS, and JESSOP, disguised as CORAM.
MR. FRANKLIN.-I am so glad, Mr. Coram, that you did not meet a
watery grave! (Aside) Wretch! why were you not drowned. [Exit.
RAWLINGS.-Jessop, all prospers, so far. You are supposed to be
Coram, and you have Franklin completely in your power. Now, I


love his daughter, Laura, and you must insist on his giving her to me.
You agree. Enter FRANKLIN.
JEsssP.-Franklin, let ERwlings marry your daughter.
FALNKLIN.-Never She is engaged to Lord Alfred. [Exit.
lEnter KATEY tfiind her father.
KATEY (sees JESSOo).-lMy father in that strange wig? Why, oh,
why is this? (Faints.)
LORD ALFRED.-A fainting girl! I will sce her safely home.
pnte" LArkA.
LAUDA.-Lord Alfred with his arm round a young woman!
SCENES 2 AND 3.-No matter.
SCENE 4.-lHungerford Bridge by night. A poorly painted tricky scene.
A scene-painter with no sense of shame (and scarcely any of persperctiv,)
rushes on and bows. We thought we had put an end to this impertinence.
E.,ter KATEY.
KATEY.-I will commit suicide !
CORAM.-Not so! [Takes her away.
(And it was for this that we were compelled to sit out two long and mean-
ingless front scenes Well, well, this is a vale of tears.)
ACT III. SclNE 1.-Lombard Street. (T'elvOe Adldphi whidms and
orphans are discovered on the pavement, selling shares of all kinds to
twelve Adelphi stock brokers who buy and pay in the open street )
Enter somebody from a bank. Ilc sticks a placard outside Payment
stopped," as in pantomimes. The Adelphi widows howl, and the Adelphi
stockbrokers assume the attitudes of triumphant fiends. Rally,
SCENE 2.-No matter.
SCENE S.-The Bank and Bank parlour. Clerks and cashiers discovered.
Adelphi customers transacting business.
RAWLINGs.-There is a run on Franklin's. When will Jessop
arrive with the forged cheque for 20,000, which I have arranged
shall be dishonoured, so that he may have Franklin in his power F
Enter JEssoP. He presents a cheque for 20,000.
CORAM (from somewhere).-Here is the money! (Pays it across the
counter and pockets the cheque, forged with his own nanm. It seems weak
of him to do this, but he is an opium-cater and has reasons of his own.
SCENE 4.-JESSOP'S Room in Charing-cross Rittel.
Enter JEssor and RAWLINOs.
JESsoP.-The cheque was honoured by no other that Walter Coram
himself! What shall we do? IHe will be down upon us directly.
RAWLINGs.-We must murder him!
SCENE 5.-The lost man's room. CORAM discovered.
CoRAM.--[Of all the eccentricities of this wealthy opium-eater, his
shutting himself up in one unfurnished back attic, with barred win-
dows, in Love Lane, Lambeth, is themost remarkable.] (They bring
him coffee-he takes it.) Ha, this coffee is drugged with opium! No
matter-I am an old opium-eater, and I like it.
[Drinks it without, further inquiry.
(In the mean time flames have burst through the floor of his room, the
boarding ofwhich. is quite consumed. Eventual''y it attracts his attention.)
CouAsm.-Ha! Fire? No matter. I am an old Parsoo, and I havo
a great respect for fire. And yet, perhaps, I had better give the
alarm. (Goes to windoww) Ha! it is barred! Strange that I should
never have noticed that before. Well, well, no matter.
SCENE 2.-No matter.
SCENE 3.-The attic floor and roof of Love Lane. (The house io showut
inflames. With a view to the i,..i.. .,(visitors to the Adephi, they
are requested to forget that the ground plan of the theatre resembles the
longtitudinal section of a squirt, the pointed end of the instruntt repre-
senting the exit into the Strand.)
Enter SHYLEY and KATEY, scrambling over the roofs, especially KATEY.
They plunge into the lames w the famcs with the insane view of reecuing the un-
fortunate ConAM. Tableau !
ACT IV.- The Villa at Acton. All enter.
CoRAM.-I am Coram.
ALL (except RAWLING and JEssoP).-Astonishment I
RAWLINGS AND JBssoP.-Confusion !
COnAM (to RAWLINOS and JESSOi).-Give me up my shirts and socks,
go to Australia, and I will forgive you.
LORD ALFRED.-Laura, will you marry me
LAURA.-I will.
CoRAM.-Katey, will you marry me ?
KATEY.-- I will!
OURSELVES.-The piece opens very well. The first Act is ingeni-
ously conceived, and smartly written indeed, the play throughout is,
in a literary sense, not unworthy of its authors. But its construction,
told, as the story is, in thirteen scenes, is childish, and the plot is
wildly improbable. It is fairly well acted by Mu. BELMORN and Ma.
ATKINS. Mss ELIZA JOHNSTONE plays a street-boy very cleverly. Mu.
B! VERIDGE is an acquisition to a theatre where satisfactory actors of
gentlemen are not too numerous. The scenery, as usual, is ridiculous.

OCTOBER 16, 1869.]


62 F U N [OCTOBER 13, 1869.

THIs is about the time to see Exchange Buildings in full blow.
Lloyd's- you know Lloyd's ? No, I don't mean circulation over half
a million "-I mean the Shipping Insurance. Here you are! All these
gentlemen are A 1 Lloyd's: not copper-fastened, but secured with a
much more valuable metal. There's a sprinkling of shipowners too.
It is a stormy season, and insured and insurers are on the qui vive for
the latest news from the innumerable agents of Lloyd's. If the riveilld
of the British drums follows the sunrise round the world, the report
of the Lloyd's agents goes with it, keeping account of arrivals and
departures, casualties and escapes.
You would not suspect these lounging swells of being men of
business!" No, very likely not, for they are shrewd ones, and it's a
part of their little game not to let people think that the lottery in
which they are engaged can quicken their pulses a bit. The stakes
are big, and thousands of pounds depend on a vessel's passing the
thousand-and-one unseen, unknown perils of the deep. It's tremen-
dously like playing with Davy Jones at "Heads I win, tails I lose," on
the lid of his locker.
But in spite of all this, they find time at Lloyd's to tell the best
stories and crack the best jokes that go the round of the city. The
latest riddle and most distracting conundrum of the period, generally
date from Exchange Buildings, and were first published under the
roof of the mysterious Welshman, about whom, I believe, Notes and
Queries even is in the dark.
You cannot spot these gentlemen by any striking peculiarity of
costume or character as you could our friends in Bow Street. And yet
they have their distinguishing features, that enable the peripatetic
philosopher, who is thoroughly acquainted with the city, to ticket
them without difficulty. He knows them all, bless you-the fussy
little gentleman with a sharp nose, like a hawk of business habits,-
the stout old boy with the beard, the spectacles, and the ample vest--
those two young swells with a slight suspicion of horsiness, and that
old party with the face so strongly suggestive of rootootooit," that
you think he must have flung the baby out of window, hanged Jack
Ketch, and be in momentary expectation of a visit from Bogy!
A word in your ear! Do you know any one at Lloyd's P Because,
if so, we'll go in and get the beadle to call him out for us. I am told

the luncheon arrangements are excellent, and we may as well see
everything while we are about it!

A Tale of Two Smashers.
SMASHER No. 1.-At the late sessions held at the Central Criminal
Court one EDWARD CANE was indicted for having in his possession
sixty-four counterfeit half-crowns with intent to utter them. Guilty.
Sentence-Five years' penal servitude.
SMASHER No. 2.- HENRY FINCH was indicted for manslaughter.
Driving a van at a rapid rate, when intoxicated, he had knocked down
an old gentleman who was crossing the road opposite Garden Street,
Stepney, so seriously injuring him that he died a few days afterwards
at the London Hospital. Sentence-Six months' hard labour.
So are Life and Property appraised in our Courts of Justice in the
year of grace One thousand eight hundred and sixty-nine.

A Handy Man.
A RECE-r police case has drawn attention to the arduous duties
expected of auctioneers, who have to contend with the violence of
brokers. But an advertisement in the Times the other day proves that
their labours are less Herculean than Atlantean.
Mr. Oldfield has just had placed in his hands for private sale an excellent detached
family residence with attractive grounds, croquet lawn, well-stocked kitchen garden
and small paddock, the whole about two acres.
We should think M OLDFIELD's hands were also two achers, having
to hold a house and grounds up in this way. He must have more
strength or skill than a friend of ours who the other day was clumsy
enough to let a handsome widow and twenty thousand pounds slip
through his fingers.

A Yankee Notion.
THERE is no foundation for the statement that an English gentle-
man visiting at Niagara, cast his eye over the Fall and has been
suffering from cataract ever since. The rumour arose from the fact that
when the gigantic mass of descending fluid fell upon his gaze it rather
made his eye water.
Scan: Kag :--Macmillan's.

OcTOBER 16, 1869.] F U N 63


But that as a rule, I think, is rats,
And oftentimes only mouse.

OME people be-
lie v o in
ghosts, and
Consider them
all a do,
Like the spirits
of HOME-
and that
they're a
I really think

Oh, a hollow
turnip on
top of post,
With a can-
die alight
And a long white
sheet, is a
kind of
S ghost
S That as boys
we have of-
ten tried.

;There's another
sample of
a 'Ihaunted
I. house:

But on real ghosts I have ne'er clapt eyes,
Though I once committed a crime,
That well might empower a sprite to rise
At the stroke of the midnight chime.
For old Aunt Sally, that ancient aunt,
I smote with a stick on the head,
And her ghost, if legends speak truth, should haunt
Her murderer's sleepless bed!
But I ne'er of her ghost have yet caught sight,
And I scarcely fancy I shall,--
Aunt Sarah perhaps is no wandering sprite,
In short no Volatile Sal.
But ah, the ghost I would give the most
If I could set eyes upon,
Is what I can't see and that's the ghost
Of a chance of getting-on!

(To be continued from a previous number.)
You didn't know MRas. PETTIFER ? No more did we. But if we
had she might have been one of the world's greatest men. There is
only one reason why she should not; and that is that she was a
woman. That's the only difficulty in the way, but difficulties were
only made to be conquered.
She was, no doubt, unmarried till the day of her union with
PETTIFER, subsequently described as the late lamented PETTIFER, and
therefore presumed to be defunct. History, however, does not record
when he defuncted, or what particular reasons he had for defuncting,
though they were no doubt satisfactory to his mind, or if not to his
mind, to that of his widow's, which is the same thing, as her mind
probably did duty for both, since it was frequently remarked by his
friends that PETTrrPE never had a mind of his own. His friends
might or might not have had minds of their own. They didn't lend
them to him, anyhow. It was left for the generous nature of his wife
to give him a bit of hers. She did so. We may even go so far as to
say, frequently.
MRS. PETTIFER saw a great many changes in the course of a life
more or less long, or possibly both. She ended by being a widow, she
began by being a gal-her aunt said she was a minx, but we never
accept the testimony of aunts-and she middled by being a wife.

That was about the most she did. In fact, if we except making pickles
and preserves, having the neuralgia, and blowing up the servant girls,
that was the chief occupation of her active and prosperous life.
She lived principally on solids, without however absolutely abstain-
ing from liquid nutriment. We may mention milk, tea, porter, and
ginger beer. Nor must rum be without a nicho in this memorial
temple. Oh, she did! Her dearest friends have admitted as much.
What is more-they did too. Further; they do still. But only a
teaspoonful to take the edge off the Souchong.
Sue kept a lodging house, which with touching gratitude kept her
in return. Her lodgers, we are bound to say, did a good deal towards
keeping her too, but.-aomehow she did rot keep them, not for long, at
any rate. And they said the same of their ttea sugar and spirits.
They said they never could manage to koep *thetlong.
She had been beautiful- as a child, accordingt6 the evidence of those
who had not seen her af that interesting period. In more mature
years, she was not beautiful. Shod bokdd best on Sundays. The hair
she didn't wear on Sundays became her less than the hair she did. It
was rather a richer" brown for 'one thing. We have often thought
that if; sheolhad not married P1ATi a she would have been very
single. Oh, excessively single.
Now wethave gone-sdifar, we'may asWell'finish with her history.
For though not one of the w6rld's greatest men she was a Public
character. It was called'Thd'Goat bii Boots. We know no more of
her eventful history. But. her fourpenny ale is good of its kind.
N.B. -Examine your change before taking it from the counter, not
necessarily for publication but as a-guarantoo of good faith, without
which none is genuine.

"'Pon my Sole.
.THamiSis something curiously interesting in this extract:-
'I'The'phmsatiant waya in which' a scrupulously regulated diet affects physical as well
aasmorll-mian are infinite. Mr. Walker found'thtit'When he ate' moderately, and
'nad brought himself intosbaUnd health the'sAlaftielfbW were easy which had been
'tight. Hestudied a pair Of shoes. He had a pair rather smaller than utual, which
afforded him the opportunity of making his observations with great accuracy.
Having purposely tried excess of diet, he found them so painful as to be unbeatlblo
on the feet. But they were perfectly easy and comfortable when he ateo lly'lthat
happy quantity-enough. Our philosopher traces even corns to Iii l'gentl6n.
The result of over-eating is a tightness in 'the bittss. 'The 'exact
reverse follows upon over-drinking. The tigltilebs flies'froni the feet
to the head, but not with heeling in its wings.

THE Californian Alta has a correspondent in Europe signing himself
JAY BEE (a play upon Gaby" we suppose). The other day in speaking
of England he mentioned some one called VIcroIm REx." What
wrecks, if not the shattered remains of The Jay Bee, of California, A 1,
copper-bottomed and lead-headed, which ran aground on the shoals of
ignorance ?

gn1lltrs l a0 toxifntotego .,

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
WE shall be gra'eful for a call from the ignoramus who, confusing the
editorial, with the plural, 'we ', left at our oltice a copy of our last number,
with the words our life" underscored, and a note in the margin-" Oh,
grammar!" 'We wish to have him stuffed and presented to the Bri ish
Museum as the only known specimen of the Acephalous Gibborer (Anthro-
pomorphon gastrocerebratum. Lin.)
WAX.-You may be, but you don't strike our fancy.
W. W.-" A puzzle" indeed-but we won't trouble you for the solution,
A. P.-A most un-'A-P. attempt at a pun.
NIPPER.-A good idea, but the execution-we don't allude to the hanging
is vile. Follow the example of the country and keep it private
INTERnFEN CE.-If you are, as y,,u state, a regular subscriber, it is curious
you should not know that we do not consider questions of faith fair subjects
tor ridicule.
FAMA SEMPER VIRET.-Thanks for the suggestion.
R. (Kensington).- It "came under your notice "-it is beneath ours.
T. D. (Hartlepool).-Thanks.
S. (Portmadoc).-No enclosure received.
W. B. S. (West-square).-'Under consideration.
Declined with thanks :-S. A. L., Bayswater; Jack A. ; W. W.; T. 0.,
Wakefield; A. H., Fortwilliam; M. D. S.; H. R K., Harrow; J. J. B.,
Liverpool; Estoffel; W. G. J., King Henry's-road; Babillarde: Not North
British; B. B.; M. A. E., Ormond-street; I D., Yot; C. H.; Noodledum's
Aunt; F. L.; S. E., Lambeth; Boodle; The Runm Pup; C. 8., Dalaton;
M., Liverpool; E. H. B., Trowbridge; J. H. L.; Duns Scotus; Amiable
Ass; Titty Fal Lay; F., Manchester; B. L Manchester; Nem Con; Queer
Cuss; L. F. W.; Never Say Die; C. E. M. C., Southsea; Taradiddle;
Young Roscius; The Spectre; P., Kensington; F. J. W., Brompton;
T. T.; X ; Nemo; The Chiel; W. B, Burton; Kitty F.


[OCTOBER 16, 1869.


FOR those who are not sick of the BYRON Controversy MR. HOTTEN'S
True Story of Lord and Lady Byron will supply some additional par-
ticulars. It is a pity that the name of the book and the mention of Mas.
BEECHER STOWE on the title-page have no doubt inadvertently been so
placed as to be likely to mislead people into supposing it is a separate
publication of the Macmillan paper. The preface is interesting, but
unfortunately is not signed, and we are a little shy of MR. HOTTEN'S
prefaces since he hoaxed us so successfully about CARLYLE.
While speaking of the BYRON Controversy, we must not omit
mention of Lord Byron's Defence, a smartly written squib in which the
poet is supposed to answer his traducer in the Don Juan metre. The
parody is deftly managed, and the hits are uncommonly hard. One line
in it is so good that we venture to quote it. If at any future period
the Americans, as seems not impossible, start a Herald's College, and
"find arms for their notabilities, it will serve as a motto for the
STOWE escutcheon :-
"The prurient always will traduce the pure."
We can honestly recommend Turner's Sixth English Reading Book
(GROOMBRIDGE) as a good educational work. The principle is sound
and simple, and the selection capital.

Juvenile Songs (PITMAN) will answer its purpose of amusing the
nursery, without overpuzzling little heads with the mysteries of music.
Some of the ditties by ROLAND Quiz are noticeable for being just
the style of thing needed for the little folks, for whom it is not always
the easiest thing to cater.

0, Live !
A CONTEMPORARY says that the question whether a man can swim in
oil was solved the other day at Nice. "A workman at an oil-factory
fell into a tank of olive oil nine feet deep. He was a good swimmer
but went to the bottom at once and was only saved by aid of a com-
rade." We don't see the solution. The man is said to have been a
good swimmer-it is the wick-ed that swim in oil.

More Free than Welcome.
THEBE has been a great gathering of the friends of Freedom to
raise a subscription to send FINLEN out of the country. We sympa-
thise with their design-he ought to have been sent long ago at the
public expense. At the same time we are rather sorry for Freedom.

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSPORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JTUDD & GLASS, Phamnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E. C.-London: Oct. 16, 1869.


%. 4airg OXifrhfxef=);.

HE Aphanian army was inspected twice every year, and was
Sin the highest possible state of efficiency, although it was
hinted by some of the journals, which were opposed to KING
BUNGo'S Ministers, that the supply of drums was defective,
and that in spite of the enormous sums spent on the trials the
best instrument had not been chosen. It must be admitted that
there was some slight ground for these complaints, for the biggest
and noisiest drum had not yet been invented, and until it was,
the authorities were desirous not to spend too much money on
articles that would have to be condemned and thrown aside. Just at
the time of the war with Nexdorea an ingenious person had made
a discovery that was calculated to effect an enormous saving in the
expenditure. Hitherto the cotton-wool used for the helmets had been
a vegetable produce, but the inventor of the new article manufactured
it from the fleeces of the sheep which supplied parchment for the
drums. For this economical plan he was presented with a gold medal
and a hundred a year. He might have made a hundred thousand a year
by his invention had he been allowed to carry on the manufacture as
a private speculation, but that of course was not allowed-it became
the monopoly of the Government.
The Archduchy of Nexddrea was, as has been-said before, only a
small principality, and its army was far from numerous, while its
drums were still of a primitive and inferior character. But FIZPOPOFFr
turned his relationship-by-marriage with so many powerful monarchs
to good account. His brothers-in-law might have declined to lend
him their armies if war had been still conducted on the old plan, but
by the new system there was no loss of men, and only a little wear and
tear of parchment, so they made no objections:-indeed they rather
profited by the arrangement, as FizroPori of course would have to pay
and victual the troops.
FizProorr took the field with a very large force, therefore, and his
troops were armed with every of drum, from light infantry
with skirmishing tom-toms to heavy cavalry with kettle-drums, and
artillery, with enormous instruments, drawn by twelve horses a piece.
Although Aphania was the larger and more wealthy country, there-
fore the two armies, thanks to the Archduke's allies, were on pretty
equal terms. If, as the public prints of Aphania openly avowed, the
Bootinter trials had not produced a really serviceable drum, that
would stand the wear and tear of a campaign, the prospects of KING
BUNGO were far from brilliant, and it must be admitted that the in-
vasion created a considerable panic, and the funds were in a very bad

THE Aphanian army was posted on the frontier, as it was ex-
pected that FIzroPoFF would enter at the nearest point, but that
crafty individual took a circuitous route through a friendly and
neighboring state, and entered the Aphanian territory within a few
miles of the capital. The townsfolk were of course thrown into the
utmost consternation, for the Archduke's army cut off all communica-
tion with their forces, and there seemed to be a very strong probability
of the place being carried, and its inhabitants put to the drum, before
the alarm of the invasion reached the defending troops on the
The news of the approach of the hostile army was brought by REMsKY,
who was engaged in driving the usual waggon-load of peas to the
palace. On observing the approach of the enemy, he pulled up, and
jumping from the shafts concealed himself by the roadside. The
vanguard of the Archduke's army, coming up almost immediately, took
possession of the waggon and in their delight at such a prize did not
trouble themselves to look for its original owner. There were two
things of which the Nexdoreans were passionately fond-music and
vegetables, and the soldiers looked forward with rapture to a cheap
but unlimited repast of pea-soup. As soon as they were out of sight
REMSKY took to his heels, and avoiding the main road run as fast as his
legs could carry him to the town. He gave the alarm, and the gates
were closed, while DISAMIS and DIMAnrB hastily summoned all capable
of bearing drums to the defence of the walls. There was but one
regiment of regulars in the place, and that was the household troop of
Bungo's Own." Their drums were not for use but show, being
headed with tissue paper only, so that they were of no avail for the de-
fence, which had to be entrusted to volunteers and civilians.
The alarm had already spread to the palace when REMSKY reached
it to report the capture of the peas. The Lord Pigeoner, true to his
duties, although the whole court was in an abject state of terror, was
awaiting REMSKY in the Court Yard, and heard the lad's story with
infinite disgust, "for," said he, "those browsing Nexdoreans are so


fond of green meat they won't leave a single pea in the district-they'll
devour mustard and cress by the acre, and cabbages by the mile!"
KInoBuNro, on learning the extent of the calamity which threatened
him, assembled his family and his immediate attendants and made thoemn
a most feeling address, beseeching the latter to defend the palace to the
last drumhead. He announced his determination not to relinquish the
crown even though he were deafened in its defence.
"You, my child," said he, turning to PETSETILLA, "you hlave
nothing to fear. You wear round your neck a charm which will insure
your happiness and content wherever you are. But as the value of
the locket may tempt the rapacity of the invader we will remove the
posy to some less attractive keeping! "
"Posy-what posy ? asked the princess, and I shan't give up my
pretty locket for anyone I" and she stamped her foot.
The King was surprised at this ebullition of temper, though he had
fancied once or twice of late that his child did not display the equable
temperament that had graced her younger days.
"PETsETILLA, my love! said the Queen, "do not grieve your poor
papa, at a time when he has so much to harass and distress
him. He is showing the greatest consideration for your welfare. In
that locket is the fairy gift-the dried bunch of heart's-easeo -on the
retention of which depends your happiness. No one would think of
stealing the withered bunch of flowers, but the locket is valuable and
might become the spoil of the enemy. You had better take out the
posy and-"
But I never knew there was anything in it," said PETSETILLA, and
she at once proceeded to open the locket, which, as we know, was
now empty!
At this discovery the King turned deadly pale, staggered back,
and sank into a chair. The Queen fainted away, and all the
attendants, as they were bound to do by court etiquette, began to wring
their hands and wipe their eyes.
"It must have been stolen!" said his Majesty, when he recovered
No!" said his consort, who was examining the locket, "look here
the fastening is very defective, and I have no doubt that it opened and
the posy fell out and was lost."

"DUKE BINGI," said the Monarch, "take the chief executioner and
seven assistants-go to the Guild of Goldsmiths and Jewellurs and
bring me the heads of the eight leading craftsmen."
The Duke obeyed his monarch's orders, and followed by the heads-
man and seven assistants hastened to the Guild of Goldsmiths. But
like loyal citizens, the whole Guild had hurried off to assist in the de-
fence of the city, so the Duke had his walk for nothing.
Every one who could in any way assist in defending the city had
rushed off at the summons of the heralds. REmsKr's mother, who was
a laundress, had organized a corps of washerwomen, who armed them-
selves with tubs upon which they drummed with no inconsiderable

TOL. X. 0

OCTOBBaR23, 1869.]

C6 F U N [OcTOBE 23, ISCO.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, October 20th, 1869.
T is to be hoped the strict investigations of the Bribery Commis-
sioners may do good. The -righteous M.P.'s must see to it that
they are not thrown away, ffor they have cost us much-we dc
not mean in 'money 'That respected names have been dragged
through the mud, that men:of position have been compelled to confess
themselves perjured, that ladies have been cross-examined on admis-
sions of corrupt practices, that the veil has been withdrawn from
private 'life and one half of the people in a borough shown taking
bribes, and the other half giving all these things cost the country so
much in repute and self-respect that they can only be justified by the
good they are finally to effect. Some surgical operations are too
serious to be attempted unless there is strong hope of benefiting the
patient. The nation must be in earnest, disfranchise the peccant
boroughs, and severely punish corruptors and corrupted, even though
they be decent tradesmen," "respectable solicitors," or "influential
An exhibition with a vengeance! The canvas outside has long de-
ceived us, with the saintlike picture of the candidates who will never
allow corrupt practices, and the Arcadian electors, who would go into
fits at the mention of a bribe. The Commissioners have thrown open
the show to the public, and candidate and constituents alike are found,
with dirty hands, grovelling in impurity-a spectacle of degradation '

SURELY there can be no truth in the rumour that the Corporation
are jealous of all schemes for the improvement of the City that do not
emanate from their own brains If so, the sooner the City calls into
authority men who carry their brains in their heads, instead of their
corporations, the better for our national credit. A common-an
uncommonly common Council-must not be permitted to let the immense
traffic of London be strangled in a narrow thoroughfare like the
Poultry, when the remedy is iso easy; nor must it be allowed to
deprive the City of a central station that will connect the ,heart of
commerce and business with all the railways-and why ? Because the
scheme is not turtle-fed-because it did not spring from the brains of
an alderman!
Luckily there are shrewd men, clever men, active men in the Corpo-
ration-a numerical minority it is true, but then an ounce of brains is
more powerful than tons of the, ahem, constituents of corporation.
We look to them with confidence, and they may feel assured they will
be warmly supported in their efforts to guide the Common Council to
a just course.

A Blow for Homoeopathy.
FIvE young women have died in Louisville, Illinois, from the use
of a face powder which was adulterated with lead. The lead -in
direct opposition to the similia similibus eurantur theory-acted in-
jurieusly on their heads.

IN consideration of the fact that the Midland Railway-of all the
lines in England!-communicates directly with thirty-two important
seaports, the Board of Directors has decided that the name of its
energetic General Manager shall be changed from ALLPOIT to All-

Proverbial Nonsense.
A CORRESPrOInseD T of the Daily News writes to say that it costs him
on the Mid-Sussex line 8s. 9d. for a return-ticket to Chichester, but if
he goes on to Portsmouth he .can get a return ticket for 7s. 6d. Does
not this at once refute the old maxim that you go further and fare
worse ? "

Naval Note.
THE crew of the gunboat Whiting was, says a contemporary, paid
off last week at Devonport. There must have been a good supply of
".fresh whiting about the town on that occasion.

From a Moody Contributor.
To HARvsE undoubtedly belongs the great discovery of the circu-
lation of the blood, but who, we ask, originated the circulating
library ?


ELOCIPEDES are all the
Said Toxxmis, I will one
And on it scour the
SI'll make the wondering
Public blink,
And with my grace, I
s/ rather think,
A stonish MAnY JAN !"

He hired the swift veloci-
h HlIe mounted on his two-
A wheeled steed,
T, m eTo charm his MARY

Unhappy TomsKINs, luck-
less JonN !
For he no sooner had got on
Than he was off again.
They picked him up, and brushed his knees,
And he recovered by degrees,
Though sorely racked with pain.
He calmly thought the matter o'er,
And thought he'd wait a bit before
Astounding MARY JANE.
And then he set himself to learn
The way to mount, and run, and turn,
And laboured might and main
To master that unruly beast,
Intending, when he'd learnt, to feast
The eyes of MarY JAE.
But days went by-weeks-months-and still
He had a tendency to spill-
His struggles were in vain!
Meanwhile a chap who took no heed
Of a two-wheeled velocipede
Went courting MARY JANE.
He got on quicker with his suit
Than ToMKiNS with *his two-wheeled brute-
And did such speed attain,
That on the day our TOMKeIS strode
Bicycling to his love's abode
He'd married MARY JANE!
Now, lovers, by this tale take heed-
Remember, a velocipede
To Cupid is a fool for speed:
For Love the race will gain.
While you are figuring about
On bicycle-great swells no doubt !
A swell may come and cut you out,
And win your MARY JANE.

A Juvenile Delinquent.
IT is sad to witness the propensity evinced even by the very young
to break the laws of meum and tuum. We saw a little rogue the other
day, barely two years of age, (ah! you may stare!) who had his father's
eyes and his mother's nose and chin.

The Right Man.
COLONEL St HTE, says the Arnrmy and Navy Gazette, is about to visit the
camps of instruction and manoeuvre on the continent. A very Shute-
able person to do it-especially if a report is wanted.

Imperial Improvement.
THE latest bulletin from Paris states that the Emperor is much
better. We always thought there was room for improvement in him.

WHY is the first person singular, present tense, indicative mood, of
the verb To BE like a great Kingdom ? Because it's Siam.

... THE

\> ~

-- --- -------------- __ _
--------- -------____ __


IF J N .--OCTOBER 23, 1869.



` '- I 7- -

OCTOBER 213, 1869.] F TJ N .

ONE stays at home, the other sails the seas,
And sails anear the classic Cyclades.
Will she find wavelets crowned with silver foam,
While he rough weather fears, though safe at hoire ?
1. You can buy a little book,
That will teach you rules for this.
But although therein you look,
You will scarce find how to kiss.
2. The morning sun with silver sheen
Made all the meadow fairer green;
I sought it ere rough crowds could pass,
And found it hidden in the grass.
3. You write upon paper, you use pen and ink,
And yet I dare say you have ne'er stopped to think,
How strange was the mass that your paper was when
It came from the garments of various men.
4. "I'd live for ever," cried the King
To courtiers in a glittering ring;
This," cried the sage, will make you live,
For ever; great the boonI give."
5. She sang it, I know, with a'tremnilous throat,
But I recognized still a most musical note.
In HULLAH'S notation I found it, and swore
I could hear my love sing that one note evermore.
6. A lady has seldom too many,
Although she may sneer and complain.
Unhappy the maids without any,
Though numbers are seldom a gain.
7. You've heard of auri sacra fames -these
Are what the poet mentioned, if you please.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTic No. 135.-Riots, Spain : Rams,
Imp, Olga, Tomi, Spin.
SoLUTION OF ACROSTIC NO. 135.-None correct.

Good for Both Sides.
PURITY of election can only be arrived at when can-
didates, whether blue or yellow," have the good
sense to determine that no voter shall see the colour"
-of their money.



D 1

Jones, Visiting his friend Smith:-" How VERY CIVIL ALL THESE VILLAGERS

xli ______________________________________________________________

THE Olympic re-opened last week under the management of MRn.
W. I-I. LISTON, who has had it superbly re-decorated, and commenced
his season with a drama from the pen of MR. HALLIDAY. The piece
is a dramatic version of DICKENS's David Copperfield, but as the hero
of the novel becomes subordinated in the play to the Peggotty family,
the playwright very properly calls his work Little .Em'ly. The chief
personages are, to quote from the bill:-" Dan'l Peggotty (rough, sir,
.rough, but a regular babby in the form of a sea porkypine; afterwards
Harlequin), Uriah Heep (be umble, Uriah, says father to me, and
you'll get on; afterwards Clown', Mr. Micawber (waiting for-in
short, something to turn up; afterwards Pantaloon) and Little Em'ly
(Peggotty's darling, a most engaging little beauty, afterwards
Columbine)-we beg pardon! But really the aspect of the programme
is so very pantomimic that we see we have inadvertently given the
characters transformations which do not occur-" in short," to quote
Micawber, this is not a pantomime. On the contrary, it is a drama of
strong interest, on the whole cleverly constructed, and well written,
while in moral worth as in artistic merit it far outweighs other
dramatic thoroughfares recently opened.
We are inclined to pronounce Miss FANNY ADDIsoN's Rose Dartle
the best piece of acting in the piece, but where so much is good it
is not easy to decide. Miss ERNSTONE'S Martha was almost equally
lifelike and earnest. Mn. J. IRVING's Uriah Heep was an excellent
realisation of DICRENs's character, whose almost excessive creeping
and cringing were due to the novelist less than the actor. Uriah's
laugh is a triumph. Mr. Micawber was acted by Mn. ROWE with
ample humour governed by moderation. MR. EMERY'S Peggotty was
excellent. Minor parts were effectively rendered by Miss LEE and
I Miss EwsLL, and Miss PATTI JosEPis played Em'ly with feeling and
taste. The scenery was nothing extroardinary, which may account
for the readiness with which the scene-painter accepted a call and
rushed on to destroy the illusion of his own work.
r: The piece was warmly received on its production, and will no
doubt long hold a place in the bill, and bring full houses to the pretty
little theatre.

'TwAs night! About the abbey-spiro
The eddying lightning flashed;
The sombre clouds with streaks of firo
Were every instant gashed.
The wild wave beat against the cliff,
And roared the distant thunder;
The promontory rocked as if
Its breast would burst asunder.
It was a wild, wild night indeed,
The stoutest heart to scare.
But, mounted on his coal black steed,
What did that stranger there ?
About his form a cloak was wound,
A hat pressed on his brow;
His steed dashed on with rapid bound,
His spurs were red, I trow!
What did he there ? Go, ask the bard,
What might the stranger be ?
"I do not know It rained so hard,
I didn't go to see!"

A Good Notion.
There has always been a little difficulty in English in distinguishing
between "story a narrative of facts" and story a tissue of
falsehoods." Suppose in the future we always spell the latter
' SoWE-ry." _

"Autumn (Dresoes."
WHAT shocking taradiddles the advertising drapers tell. If ocular
demonstration is worth anything, Autumn scuds along under bare


[OCTOBER 23, 1869.

I. 0 I''
'. 1X- ~

-=5--; ci

R c 0 -u-- c--- -- -- -- '-- --


OuR sprightly young contemporary, The Latest News, is very much
puzzled by the following advertisement:-
swarms will occur as per notices. Postulants will hive and buzz as directed in
September circulars. For honey certificates apply to past grands. For light, see
further advertisements.-J. G. B.
It can't understand what sort of a Bee this J. G. B. is, and is
unable to define what a Buzwing is! A Buzwing is evidently a flying
A Case of Pickles.
IGNORANCE, in the eye of the law, is no excuse for crime. We
observe that many shopkeepers ticket up, "This Season's Jams" at
"per jar "-are they aware of the serious consequences that might
follow an indictment for per-jar-y ?

A Lop-sided Remark.
JuDICIous decoration, whether it be a flower-pot in the cottager's
window or a rose-bud in a swell's coat, costs but little, and goes a
great way-Water parties should bear this in mind and "trim" the
A FAIR correspondent, in common with the generality of her sex, has
a confirmed habit of under-scoring her letters. We were not in the
least surprised to see her the other day make a dash across the street.

IT is as great a consolation to a young woman as it is to an old
politician, to have a good cry."

THE NEW BANKRUPTCY ACT.-Insuring your life.

S3 sbas to onnesotnizts,
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
Sesponsible for loas.]
A DUBLIN correspondent who sends us pointless epigrams in print would
do well to save his postage-stamps-we use wax-matches to light our pipe.
A REGULAR MUFF.-We trust your regularity will not extend to your
communications with us.
PERKINS.-Who announces himself as the modern Shakespeare," aged
17 at present, engaged on making observation on the human species and
learning English history, and who wishes us to inform the public that the
disgraceful state of the stage is not to continue much longer, winds up with
"this letter will one day be worth its weight in gold." Well, we're humble-
minded, we've offered it to the British Museum which won't take it at a
gift. Will Perkins commute its value -we'll take its weight in postage-
stamps. No, not defaced!
PUGILIST.-We recognize your fist, but you don't hit our fancy this
S. F. S. (Thrapston).-Thanks for the pho'o.
VAGA.-Look in the law report's in November, and you will comprehend.
C. R. (Paddington).-Many thanks; butwe cannot see our way to making
use of the enclosure.
HIGH TIDE.-We should recommend you to go and join your friend at
the Prestwich Asylum, only we fear you would not be admitted. To be-
come qualified for a Lunatic Asylum you ought to have had some sense to
Declined wi'h thanks : -A Fact; V. J. E. H., Glasgow; W. T. D.,
Chatham; C., Wells-street; Kiutims, Putney; F. G., Leipzig; Tat; Jenny
Geddes; F, Leadenhall-street; R. K. S., Glasgow; A. W. C., Glasgow;
J. G., Chelmsford; G. W., Bermondsey; K Basinghail-street; Exon;
Miss T., Brigh-on; Mater; Trojan Horse; M. C. W. F. C, Dursley;
A. B. D.; A. S., Walworth; A Volunteer Contributor; W. G., Finsbury;
One of our Constant Readers; S. M.; C. A. W., Swindon; J. H., Liver-
pool; Friendly Maori; Mulligatawny; B. T.; S. M.; G. S. P., Brixton;
F., Dals on; J. L.W., Manchester;A Goose; B. L, Leeds; Johnnie
Raw; Nem Con; Traddles.


OcTroIn 2?, 1869.] YU N 73

Or, '6,.llia plH,6i ( gol i.
ACT I.--Ofice of the Juege d'Instruction. Juae a'Instruction discovered.
MADAME BONVAL.-Detect me the murderer of my husband.
JUGE.-I will! We have a suspected man in custody.
MADAME BoNvAL.-I will hide behind this curtain while he is being
JUGE.-It is very irregular, but be it so! [She hides.
ALlnvAn.- Of what am I accused, Monsieur le Juge ?
JUGE.-Of the murder of Maurice Bonval. You were seen in his
company late on the night of the murder. His money was found upon
you, and you owed him a grudge.
ALMIvAB.-But I didn't do it.
JUGE (impressively).-Are you sure of that?
ALMIVAR.-Quite sure.
JUGE.- In that case I will release you. [Does so !
MADAME BONVAL enteringg from behind curtaird).-That man is the
JUGE.-But, Madame, you forget-he denies it) in toto.
MADAME BONVAL.-He may have had interested motives for
doing so.
JUoG.-Hardly. A gentleman would scarcely deny a crime if B'e
had really committed it. Still, perhaps, I was in error when I
allowed him to go free. I will away and consult a higher authority
on the subject. It is rather late to do this, but no matter. kEriI to
learn his duty).
VAUBERT, a police spy, comes forward.
VAUBERT.-ThIat man is; the murderer.
MADAME BONVAL.-How know you that ?
VAUBEaT.-Professional instinct. Follow my instructions and I-
undertake to bring the crime home to him.
MADAME BONVAL.-My hand on it!
BOTr.-He is the murderer!!!
ACT II.-Salon in the House of MADAME ST. ANGE. Spasmodic
footman discovered.
SPASMoDIc FOOTMANs (with appropriate action).-Madame St. Ange.
MADA-ME ST. ANGE.-The guests have not arrived, Pierre ?
SPASMODIC FOOTMAN (with appc opriate action).-No, Madarm.
MADAME ST. ANGE.-You can go.
SPAsMODIc FoOTMAN (with appropriate action).-Yes, Madarm.
[Exit, with illustrative gesture.
Enter gues's. Like all Frenchmen, they wear crop wigs coming to a point
over the forehead. They interchange repartees, and are much amused
with each other. The audience are much amused with them.
Enter peer Miss FARPEN, as a iFrench marquis in a crimson tie. She
lets off an intellectual 4re-work, as first guest. Then exit poor Miss
VAUBERT.-Madame St. Ange, let me introduce a lady who is
anxious to know you.
MADAME ST. ANGE.- Welcome, lady.
VAUBERT (aside to MADAME BONVAL).-Almivar will be here anon.
You must fascinate him.
MADAME BONVAL. (with full reliance in her powers of fascination).-I
ALL.-Welcome, Almivar.
ALMIvAi.-Thanks, friends. I have been charged with the murder
of my notary, and honourably acquitted. Amusing mistake, wasn't it ?
ALL.-Ha! Ha!
MADAME BONVAL AND VAUBERT (aside to each other).-Ho! he!
SOMEBODY.-Come-a turn at Baccarat
ALL.- We will!
(MADAME BONVAL gazes steadily at ALMIVAR under the mistaken im-
pression that she is fascinating him.)
ALMIVAR (aside).-That woman is extremely annoying!
They play at Baccarat. MADAME BONVAL stares ALMIVAiL out of
countenance all the time. He loses.
ALMIVAR.-Confound the woman's impertinence! (He changes his
seat, but she follows him. He loses more than ever).
ALMIVAn.-Oh hang it, I can't stand this!
VAUBEILT (aside to MADAME BONVAL, andjumping at a conclusion),-
He is the murderer !

ACT III.-MADAME BeoNv.ALS apartment.
VAUBERT.-The scheme works bravely.
MADAME BONVAL.-Almivar will be here dire; ly.
VAUBERT.-YOU must continue to make love to nim.
VAUEERT.-We are all to sup at the Caf6 Anglais to-morrow, Give
me the dagger with which your late husband was slain.
MADAME BONVAL.-Behold it here! Oh, horror! (Tin'ilces over a
sofa, after giving him a. curious weapon, which we know to be a dagger
because it is expressly stated. It is elaborately chased, apparently the
work Of BENVENUTO CELLINI in early infancy.)
Ain.rvan.-Madame Bonval!
MADAME BoNvAL.-Monsieur Almivar!
ACT IV.-Coafi .Anglais. Enter ALMIVAR, VAUuIERT, and MADAME
BONVAL to wholesome light supper of champagne and apples. They sit
VAUBERT (by way of making himself agreeable at a supper party).-
Behold this dagger-it is the weapon that stabbed Maurice Bonvul 1
ALM.A- n.-Ha! (Shrinks.)
VA-aEIaT (aside to MADAME BONvAL).-Ho is the mrrdeSTer !
MADAm"BONVAL (aside to VArEmcT).-Evident1y!
V&uBNe (aloud).-The weapon is elaborately carved,
Axmrvjm, (coolly).-So was its victim, ha! ha I
VAU 3EMo (aside to MADAME BoNVkL).-He is NOT the murderer !
MADAMI BONVAL (aside to VAUBXRT).-Evidently.
VAUBmC (alovd).-It struck him to the heaxiti
ALM Ta (who don't like this sort of thing atsipper).-Don't, there's
a good flow.
VATBBB r (aside to MADOAMS BoNAraY).-He is the murderer I
M ALAEE BONVAL (aside to VAUBERT).-Evidently.
AZMIVAR (who is getting rollicking).- ComeR Onemore, apple, before

VADBERT (aside to MADAME BONVAL).-He' isN irwthe murderer.
MADAME BONVAL (aside to VAuaBERT).-EvidentlylI And what is
more, I love him! [ Tableau.
ACT V.-Apartment on the Quays.
Enter VAUBERT and MADAME BONVAL (as v.sstal).
YVAUTEkT.-I have changed my mind sine I gave the cue for the
end of the fourtkhAet He is the murdescr I
MADAME BoeVAl, (who is begimning to have a poor opinion of
VAuIBEET's qualifications as a detective).-Ohyou get out. (ends hima
on to the balcony.)
Enter ALmIVAn..
MVAmivA.-Madame Bonval, I love you.l May I hoe ?
MADAME BOrwAL.-You may (He hopes.)
VAUTJDET (from balony).--He is NOT the murderer
MADAME BONVAL.-I must toll you who I am-I am the widow of
Maurice Bonval, whom you were suspected of having murdered!
ALmsIvAu.-You (Aside.) Oh, agony.
Enter VAUvnET from balcony.
VA1n3ERT.-Stop! Behold this dag- Oh! (as in pain.)
ALMITva AND MADAME BONVAL.-Are you unwell?
VAUBEnRT.-No; it is nothing. (1,umb!es at his tail pocket, and
eventually produces pantomime dagger from it). Behold this dagger!
ALMIvAR.-Ha ha! I will confess all! I did kill Maurice oonval!
ALMIVAn.-And thus-thus he is avenged! (Stabs himself, and dies
in great agony.)
VAUBERT (with inspiration).-He is the murderer!!
OURSELVES.-An ingeniously conceived, but very unpleasant story.
The second act is very poor- the first and fifth are good. That the
piece is successful is attributable to the fact that it is strongly
sensational, and that the story, unencumbered with underplot, is kept
well in view throughout. Mu. WIGAN played a very unpleasant part
in a masterly manner. MR. CLATTON, careful and conscientious, did
full justice to a part which is quite out of his line. Miss NEILSON was
artificial and extravagant to the last degree.

Overing the Post.
So far, say the papers, only five hundred holders of Government
Stocks have signified their wish to avail themselves of the now rule
for the transmission of their warrants by post. It is strange that
stocks and posts should not agree, but perhaps the stiff-necked owners
of such stocks fancy that this form of paper -' collar" might be incon-


[OcToBER 23, 1869.

Jones (who has been accosted by a party unknown) :-" BEG PARDON-YOU REALLY HAVE

Now don't all you journalists speak at once!
But here's an opening:-
THE PRESS.-Wanted, an Editor, for a small coun-
try paper, just commencing, will be required to
report and assist at case.-Address, stating age, terms;
and qualifications, to Mr. -, &c.
The sort of editor required is one of a
composite-or compositor-order. He will
have to be strong-minded enough to "set-up "
his own opinions-to "lead" (N.B., not
" conduct") his own leader. He must be
able not only to manage an editor-ship, but to
look after the galleys." We wish the small
country paper may get him !

Statue Quo P
THE other day it was reported that the
pugilist MACE had been converted, and was
preaching. Now we read that he is at New
York, giving a series of statuesque illus-
trations." We presume these illustrations
are not those cuts appealing to the eye,
which he has often supplied to his adversary's
frontispiece. But what are we to understand ?
Has he taken to the pulpit or the pedestal P
Is he assuming the character of Stiggins, or
does he appear as Fib-us Apollo ?

LORD BYRoN's face and Mas. STOWE'S
Shop windows now display,
And prove there are more ways than one
To make a scandal pay.
The former face is fair to see,
The latter not the least:
Together they suggest the tale
Of Beauty and the Beast.

Duck him!
HEBNRY BitowN, a poultry salesman, was
fined the. other day for cruelty to a number of
ducks, in the shape of packing them too
closely in a wooden box. It is a pity such
brutality to animals cannot be punished
otherwise than by the pocket. The wooden
box ought to have been the wrong box in this
instance; in short, as an Irishman might say,
it should have been the stone-jug, to which
we would have gladly seen him in-duck-ted.

A Derivation.
IN a police court the other day sausages
were defined as "bags of mystery"-let us
see: the Greek is mew-sterion," of course.

A PoP-auN.-Roederer.

NOTICE.-Early in November will be pub-
lished, with Numerous Illustrations, price One
Tom Hood's Comic Annual.
Also, sixteen pages, toned paper, Profusely
Illustrated, price Twopence,

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the totad cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JTUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E. C.-London: Oct. 23, 1869.

OCTOBER 30, 1869.]



'HERE was flutter in the bosoms of the
Ladies of the Lea,
When occurred a change of curates in their
village by the sea;
For appointed to a living was the old BAR-
And coming down to take his place, was
JAMES, the curate new!
I BARTHOLOEW was reverend, but elderly and
And a martyr to lumbago-he could scarcely
get about;
But JAMES DE VYSs was young and fair, and
comfortably off,
With the gentlest indication of a sweet con-
sumptive cough.
His linen would have suited AnBERT EDWARD PRINCE or WALES,
He was properly particular about his finger nails.
His legs were straight as arrows (as the picture of him shows),
His feet were little toddlekins, with tiddy-iddy toes.
Though anything but foppish, he was careful in his dress,
His trousers were perfection, his boots were nothing less.
I think he wore the smallest gloves of any man alive,
(His hand was barely seven, and his fingers only five).
'Twas no unseemly vanity, but admiration meet,
Of Nature's skill as shown in abstract, hands, and legs, and feet.
He loved them for they proved that Nature only can combine,
Simplicity of outline with perfection of design.
It sprung from abstract reverence for Nature's Wondrous Touch :
Any feature in the Kosmos he'd have reverenced as much,
If any other feature had appeared to him as neat
As his pretty little legs, and little hands, and little feet.

And JEssIEs, JANE, and MARGARET, the Ladies of the Lea,
When they heard that JAMEs DR VYSE their future curate
to be,
Resolved to do whatever well-intentioned girls should do,
To atone for having slighted poor old fat BARTHOLOMEW.


Then JESSIE (little JESSIE!) thought, How heedless have I been,
Of all religious duties, and in charity how mean!
I will mortify the body with fatiguing exercise,
I will work a pair of slippers for the REVEREND DE VYSE."
And JENNY, who for many months her parish work had shirked,
Exclaimed, "How have I slumbered, while devouter people worked!
Of penances and pains it's fit that I should suffer some,
I'll embroider pretty braces for the curate that's to come "
And MAGGIE said," Oh, sluggish one (alluding to herself)
" How long shall works of piety lie idle on the shelf ?
Lest REVEREND Df VYSE should think my toil a hollow form,
I will knit a pair of gloves to keep his jack-a-dandies warm !"
But JESSIE, who at needlework was rivalled once by few,
Had grown quite out of practice during old BARTHOLOMEW :
And when the High Church slippers were delivered to Di VYSE,
They were very well intended but preposterous in size.

And JENNY, who for old BARTHOLOMEW had never toiled,
Found her schemes for decorating young DE -VTsE were nearly foiled ;
Want of practical experience with braces sent her wrong.
It was very kind of JANE, but they were very much too long.

And M3AGGI'S want of practice told upon her efforts, too,
She had never knitted anything for old BARTHOLOMEW.
The gloves were kindly meant, but they were clumsy as could be.
Poor MAGGIE did her best-but they were big enough for me !

And did DEL VYsE reject these gifts because misfitting ? No.
He wore them conscientiously, determining to show
That curates should endeavour (though with awkward presents curst)
To conciliate parishioners-at all events at first,
And JESSIE, JANE, and MARGARET, the Ladies of the Lea,
Were eager all their presents on the Curate for to see ;
So they clambered up his garden wall, in three successive lift?,
And there was JAMES a-gardening in all his little gifts.
But the slippers, very roomy, made his feet appear a size
That caused both JANE and MARGAsSET unqualified surprise.
And the gloves that MAGGIE knitted in her leisure, I declare,
Were more like boxing gloves than those that curates ought to wear.
And the braces, though he triced them up as short as they could go
Left his trousers very baggy- anything but come ilfaut ;
They might have been suspended on a pair of wooden pegs,
So completely did they muille all the drawing of his legs.
And JEssIE (who had laboured at the slippers on his feet)
Said, "His trotters, I allow you, are particularly neat,
But such coarse ungainly hands possess no interest for me,
And his legs are just as clumsy as a pair of legs can be! "
Then JENNY (who had made the pretty braces for him) spoke,
"I do not believe his legs deserve the comments they provoke;
But I quite agree his hands are veryawful in their way,
And his feet I oh goodness gracious, what monstrosities are they! "
And MAGGIE (who had knitted the unhappy pair of gloves),
Said, "His hands too big ? Oh, nonsense! Why, his hands are perfect
But I quite agree with JENNY that his hands would suit a boor,
And I quite agree with JESSIE that his legs are very poor."

So JESSIE, JANE, and MARGARET, the Ladies of the Lea,
Were satisfied that JAMES was as ungainly as could be;
They never quite recovered from their disappointment sore,
So they all became Dissenters, and he never saw them more!
Young ladies, if you wish to marry curates, don't refuse
To work at gloves and slippers, c'en for old BARTHOLOMEWs ;
Or your hands will lose their cunning, and you'll disappointed be,
Like JESSIE, JANE and MARGARET, the Ladies of the Lea.





"6 IF J U N. [OcrTOBE 30, 1869.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, October 27th, 1869.
Qi HEN Fashion ceases to be a f lly it too often becomes a
OVV crime. The present day offers it to us under both aspects.
SFolly can scarcely further go than in the dress of the
fashionable young man of the day. He wears everything
that either is uncomfortable or is hideous. If his stick-up collars, and
broad-lapelled short coats, his tight trousers and straps, his hat, his
hair, and his walk do not make him miserably uncomfortable they at
least invest him with a fatuous imbecility which even the Dead Sea
Apes of MR. CARLYLE would shun. But he simply constitutes a
misery to himself, and an eyesore if not a laughing-stock to others.
It is reserved for the fair sex to convert Fashion into a crime-and
if suicide and self-mutilation be crime, the present prevalence of
tight-lacing, and the mischievous effects on the foot and ankle of the
high-heeled shoe cannot escape condemnation. Do the girls of the
period wish us to believe their libellers, that-they pinch in their
waists to such smill diameters that they cannot be supposed to have
any heart- or lungs either, for that matter? Do they think a
tottering craning gait like that of a beginner on stilts will ever walk
into our affections ?
Pooh! Let them study the exquisite proportions of Venus,
attended by the Graces, rather than the deformity produced by the
laces. There is no trace of the Graces in the wasp-like figure of the
modern belle, and it would be as impossible to put the stays of the day
on the incomparable statue of the goddess of Beauty, which is the
model of female form, as it would be to dress it in an hour-glass.

WE are glad to see the Times speaking out strongly against the
sheer cruelty of our road-making. It would scarcely seem necessary
to tell people in the Nineteenth Century that it is simple brutality to
lay down sharp knobs of granite, or keen-edged splinters of flint upon
hard roads, and expect to have them ground down by that sensitive
organisation, a horse's hoof. The French, whom we islanders set down
as peculiarly cruel to animals, have long since abandoned the
barbarous practice, and use steam rollers, where asphalt is not laid
While we are on the subject, we may as well ask the Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals why it has not instituted proceed-
ings against the parish authorities who have charge of that part of the
Strand which runs on the south side of St. Clement's Church. It is
paved with slippery slabs, and its gradient is arranged to f*hway
towards the outside of the circle-you might as well expect horses to
gallop on the dome of St. Paul's, which seems to be the model on
which the road is laid. The result is that one seldom passes along
it without seeing a horse down: and we venture to assert that more
horses fall there than in an equal space anywhere else in London. The
road should be at least level, if not inclined slightly towards the
church, instead of from it.

I HAVE found out a gift for my fair,
I have found where the wood pigeons breed,
But let me the plunder fbrbear,
She would say 'twasia barbarous deed.
Good gracious!; the frights," she exclaimed,
Are'pigeons like that when they're young F
I wonder you were not ashamed
To tender such food&to my tongue!
"Do kill the poor creatures! you ought
To have left them until they could fly,
,And then their destruction have wrought,
And brought them me baked in a pie!"

An Hour true Tale.
COMPLAINTS as to short time reach us from the North. Let the
authorities at Greenwhich Observatory, who, we apprehend, are paid
for such services, see to this, or they will speedily discover that the
public take their time from-FUN.

A Silver Lining to the Cloud.
THIS ray illumes the poor collier's life,-when he seeks a newmaster
he takes his pick."

OCTOBER, thee we gladly hail,
The season of stout English ale,
When that true Briton erst was born,
The good and brave John Barleycorn.
Then let us round our brows entwine
The barley-ears and Kentish bine,
And worship at the Bacchic shrine.
1. A stone that boasts a wondrous charm,,
And keeps its wearer from all harm-
Or so they say,-'twixt you and me,
I think it's fudge and fiddlededee!
2. Cease, Cockney bard,
Your jarring strain-
My peace is marred
By your refrain,
So don't you do it, friend, again!
3. If your logic you have studied
With a brain that is not muddied,
You will see down to the bottom, I
Rather fancy, of Dichotomy;
If your division does not err,
This will define its character.
4. He wore a suit of seedy black,-
His white cravat, of starch in lack,
Completely put me off the track.
Said I, Good sir, are you the curate,
To whom I ought to pay my pew-rate."
Quoth he, Too high my calling you rate!"
SOLuTION or AcRosTIc No. 136.-Leaves Fallen: Luff; Eva, Angel,
Viol, Eremite, Skeleton.
Dorothy J.; Coombs; Frank and Maria; Diggory D.; Double M.; Derfla and
Ycul; Slodger and Tiney; Timothy and Co.; B. P. R.; Black and Tan; Dead
Pansy; Old Cider Eye; Poor P.; Imperial; The By; J. 0. P.; Norwood; Ruby's
Ghost; Little T. H.; Doddy; Pen; Tarnagulla; 3 Carshalton Fools; Wellesley;
Pimlico Tom Cat ; Skin and Bones; Bleu Corbleu and Parbleu; P. of Greenwich
Linda Princess.

A Gigantic Feat.
WE are assured by MR. OLDrIELD, for whom we expressed our
sympathy the other day on finding he had had a house and grounds,
covering two acres, placed in his hands, that he is prepared to outdo
the Atlantean feat that fact implies. He is prepared at our bid-
ding" to knock the house down with one blow of his hammer.

Milk, Oh!
Tins is strange indeed-
A N active Man as GROOM, to milk and attend to pigs, poultry, etc.; one who has
Sfded a similar situation preferred. Apply, etc.
We are a little puzzled to see why a man is to be styled a groom
because he milks and attends to pigs, poultry, etc. But we are at a
greater loss to understand how he can milk pigs-we should have
thought the process much the same as shearing them-sheer nonsense.
We were a bit bothered about the milking of the poultry till it struck
us the fowls might be some French kind-good lait-ers. Of course
the etc. "includes pigeons.

Banting Outdone.
SUFrErxns from a superabundance of (be pleased to print this in the
smallest type) fat, will learn with satisfaction that at the Crystal
Palace, and many other places of public resort, they may arrive at
their correct weight for the small charge of one penny."

"How are you off for Soap ?"
WE heartily wish that some commercial" would put this once
familiar query to the Man in the Moon, he so invariably, fails to come
out of election enquiries with clean hands.

Wanted, a Partial Eclipse.
POLICE reports point out to us that charges are daily preferred
against delinquents. This should not be; in a court of justice no pre-
ference should be shown.

To the St. Panoras Board of Guardians.
VARIETY is charming,- enough of Harley-quinade, show us a
thorough good transformation scene.

OCTOBER 30, 1869.]


T ,.N'T think as ever I did know sich rubbish as that MIas.
ALDRBTN goes on. as lives close agin us, as 'ad 'er little boy's foot
sca'd i frightful, thro' a-pullin' a kittle of bilin' water over 'isself, as
is ruly five next birthday, and a nice child, only let run wild about
the place, and 'is mother always a-writin' of novels, or else a-gaddin'
out, and them two poor children left to that one gal, as 'ave every-
think to do, and washes once a fortnight, and only a woman 'arf
a-day, and no wonder as that poor man's shirts looks the colour they
do, and never a button on the fronts, as'll keep fastened.
Not as I know nothing about 'em, and shouldn't, if the gal hadn't
come running into me that Tuesday as the little boy scalded 'is foot,
a-saying as she didn't know what to do, and is cousin to my gal, not
as ever I encouraged 'er a-comin' in tellin' what went on in 'er
missus's house a-knowin' well as the dog as can fetch can carry, as
the saying' is.
Not as ever I thought they was well off, thto' hearingg as ALnERTON
were in the coal line, not with a wharf and waging, as is respectable,
but one of them as cadges about for orders, as they couldn't make
a-livin' out of a shilling' a ton was it ever so.
I'd often noticed th e little boy, so I goes in when I heardd he was
'urt for to see- arter 'im, as they'd laid 'im on a sofy in the back-
patlour,.and there he was, a-whimperin' more than cryin', as that gal
'ad. been and dragged 'is little sock off and.broke the blister in 'er
'u~iy; but I've got a wonderful dressing as I. always keeps by me, for
seAlds, and by ths,time as I'd laid ikon with-.nice bit of old linen he
wasmore easy ; ttat poor dear child wae ; that dirty that I says to
ter gal, "Why, he can't 'aVe 'ad a 'ath thigqtureoe months "
Oh !" she says, "their ma won't ever 'ave them touched with
cold water, thro' 'avin as were laid up with rheumatic
fever, all thro' being' too much washed."
I says, Rubbish." I says, "A little warm water and a sponge
would mat e this child twice as comfortable." But, bless you, there
wasn't such a thing as a sponge in the house and they only 'ad their
neck washed now and then with the foot of an old stocking.
Well, jest as we 'ad made the little boy all right, in come 'is ma,
as 'ad been out along with the little gal. She come a-rushin' into the
room, all 'er 'air a-stragglin' down, and a-sayin', "Oh, my own
darlin', my angel; is he dead, is he killed ? "
I says, Bless me, no, and not much the matter, only don't go
a-tearin' 'im like that; let him be !" for she was a-clutchin' at 'im
with 'er harms, and the little gal began a-screamin', as were all dirty
finery and a squint.
So I says, Do let the child be quiet, he'll be all right."
"Ah," says MRas. ALnsRTO, "my good soul, you're not a mother."
I says, "Excuse me, mum, but I. am, as is three livin' and two
She say, "And can you speak so cool ? Oh, if I were to lose my
darlin's, all I should say would be, bury me with 'em."
Ah," I says, "that's all werry fine, but it's again nater." She
kep' a-lookin' at me with a quizzin'-glass as she wore round 'er neck,
with a old gilt chain, ani she says, "Ought I to send for a physician ?
What ought I to do ? My husbandd would never forgive me if I neg-
lected this hangel; and if anything were to happenn to 'im we should
break our 'arts."
I says, "'Arts is tough things. But," I says, "with common care
this boy'll be about agin in less than a week."
"Oh," she says, "bless you for them words," and went on a lot of
foolishness as made me quite sick of 'er rubbishin' airs. So I wishes
'er good day, and said as I'd send to inquire for the little boy.
The poor little fellow says, "Oh, come again soon," as I promised I
would. I let two days go by, 'avin' 'eard as the little chap were
doing' nicely, and then I says to my gal, I says, "Give a eye and see
as that puddin' keeps bilin', for I'm a-goin' into MRS. ALDERTON'S to
see the little boy."
"Well," she says, "mum, you can go if you please, but if it was
me, I wouldn't stoop to go over 'er door, as is no lady, and 'ave been
a-larfin at you, and imitatin' of you to 'er husband and a-sayin' as
she'd 'ave you in jest for 'im to 'ave a good larf at you."
"Well," I says, "let 'im larf, poor feller, for I don't think as he've
got much to larf at besides; but," I says, "I shall go in, for I never
listens to anything as is said about me by servants' repeatin', as'll often
make mischief where none wasn't meant."
So in I goes to MRS. ALDERTON'S, as was a-settin' a-writin' in a
room more like a dust'ole than a humann bein', and 'er that dirty.
She was coming' the grand, and spoke that 'aughty that I says, "I
only come to ask after your little chap, as is doing' well, I hope ?"
She say, "Thanks; MASTER ALDERTON is a-progressin'," and keeps
on writing .
So I gets up, and says, "I wish you good day."
She says, "I'm sorry I can't ask you to stop, as I am expecting'
friends, people of consequence."
I says, "Oh, indeed. I'm sorry as I intruded, as wouldn't be a
interloper nowheres"


She says, "Wherever do you get your langwidgo from, it's
Why," I says, "the same as where you gets yours from "
She bust out a-larfin, and says, "The idea of my spoakin' sich
langwidge as that!"
"Well," I says, "I don't mind about your langwidge, but I think
it's a pity as sich a fine lady should set in such a pigsty, ns a little
soap and water wouldn't do you no 'arm; and as to your poor children,
they're masks of filth," and out I goes; and out I goes; d if she didn't cill out to
the gal, "Show this 'orrid, vulgar, ol-iroman out, and never let 'er
enter my doors agin."
I did walk out, a-feelin' thanklif that I wasn't sioh a one as 'er,
with all my faults.
It was about a month carter that, a&one mornit a-going down into
the kitchen I see Ma. ALDBiuro's servant a-settite. there in 'er bonnet
and shawl. So I says, "What W .Nngs you in litre, MAMIA, at this
time of day ?"
"Oh," she says, "I'm a-gain' 'ome, and only stepped in to say
good-bye to CHARLOTTS."
So I says, What 'ave yon left your place for P"
Oh," she says, "my place 'ave left me, for the brokers 'as been in
and seized every stick, and I ain't even got my box from 'cm.'
I says, Wherever is that Mais, ALDnTON and them poor children F"
"Oh," she says, "they're in the house without. a chair to set on,
nor yet a morsel of fire nor f6od since breakfast yesterday, as were
only a bit of bread and a pen'orth of milk."
I says, "Where's he got to ?"
"Oh," she says, "he's been away over a week; and' it's my opinion
as he'll be found in the canal, for if ever I see a man drove desperate
it's 'im." "Well," I says, I don't like to go near 'er, as might look
like crown' over 'er; but," I says, "you go back and tell 'er if I can
be of any use to 'er, I shall.be glad."
So she went, and come back in a few minits, a-sayin' as Mns.
ALDERTON would be glad to see me ; and in I went, and founl 'or and
them poor children dowright destitute. She began a-takiu' on when
she see me, and was wore out for hunger and so was the children.
So I says, "Now, you bring 'em into my place, and when you've 'ad
your breakfast we can see what's to be done ;" and I never did see
anyone eat like them poor children; and as BRowN was away from
'ome, I 'ad 'em stopping' with me for three days, and the first thing as
I did was to give them children a good bath, and 'ave their bits of
clothes washed out, and kep' 'em in bed till they was dried.
As for the mother, she went off to some friends as anrced to 'elp 'or,
and would take 'er in, so off she went with 'er children, and afore
going' she says to me, MRS. Bsow, I'm ashamed of the way I've
spoken of you as a wulgar, tipplin' old woman."
I says, "MRS. ALDERTON, ma'm, don't mention it." I says,
"As to bein' wulgar, I am only what I were born to; and as
to tipplin', that is not my 'abits, the' I might be overtook in a fault;
but," I says, "it's time enough for parties to call me wulgar when I
sets up to be anything but plain MARTHA BROWN." I didn't mean to
be 'ard on 'er, but I know'd as she'd been a-takin' me off in 'er
writing's and 'er newspapers, so couldn't 'elp a-speakin' ; but," I
says, "there's my 'and, and I wishes you better luck, and only wishes
it was in my power to 'elp you more."
She says, "You've been a true friend to me and the children, and
you'll never 'ear me speak anything but good of you."
And so off they went, and I heardd arterwards from 'or', as said they
was a-gon' to hemigrate; but I don't care where she goes, I'm afraid
she's a rank sloven, and will be all the world over.

Aim,-" Their groves o' sweet myrtle."
THEIR bowls of rich turtle let aldermen reckon,
Where hot steaming green-fat exhales its perfume;
Plain mutton which grazed on the hills of green Brecon,
Yields liquor more wholesome-more cheap to consume!
More grateful the scent (though it sometimes o'erpowcrs)
Of garlic and leek in my lowly tureen,
Than the musk-breathing spices which Araby showers
To flavour the soups of the gourmand's cuisine.
Oh well with himself may the epicure question,
Is turtle a true or a transient delight?
For the succulent reptile impairs the digestion-
Its paly ghost glimmers through the dreams of the night.
Then leave to the corpulent Mansion-house glutton
His turtle decoction-a fat rich and green,
And quaff the quintessence of juicy Welsh mutton,'
Which fragrantly steams in my pewter tureen!

THEi Box OFFICE.-A tip as to the locality of the next "mi I."


[OCTOBER 30, 1869.

7: \N N t

Brown (punster as above) :-" WELL, YES-LOOKS VERY LIKE AN erer, DON'T IT?"

THERE is a strong American flavour about the re-opened St.
James's. The manageress and a considerable proportion of the
company either are Americans or have been long in America, and the
playbill is we suppose framed on the American model-at least we
have not seen anything like it here before, and do not consider it an
improvement, though it affords a laugh when it "has much pleasure
in introducing to the English public "-the author of The Jumping
Frog !
The theatre has been re-decorated. It is to be regretted that the
same taste which presided over the decoration of the refreshment rooms
did not extend to the house, which has a little too much of the
cracker-bon-bon and Twelfth Cake style of ornamentation. The pithas
disappeared, its place being occupied by commodious stalls, and the
old system of fees is abolished.
The performance commences with an OFFENBACHIAN operetta, which
has slightly lost bouquet in the process of decanting into English
bottles. It winds up with a ballet. The fine old comedy She Stoops to
Conquer occupies the post of honour. It is fairly acted on the whole,
though the brilliant dialogue does not always have justice done it.
Tony Lumpkin, Mr. Hardcastle, and Miss Hardcastle were performed,
respectively, admirably by Mu. LIONEL BaROUGH, well by MIR. MARK
SMITH, and somewhat too stagily by Miss HRIBERT. The scenery is
good; the drop-scene especially being a work of high art.
Tho season opened under favourable auspices, and we wish the
venture all success, since, following in the wake of Mu. BARRY
-SULLIVAN, the management intends to give us the sterling old plays of
the best days of the drama.
The care and forethought with which the comfort and convenience
of the audience are attended to at the Gaiety Theatre cannot
altogether compensate short-comings on the stage. We have scarcely
as yet had any dramatic gems worthy of such a setting, and the Life
Cease, an adaptation by MESSRS. OXENFORD AND WIGAN is hardly
likely to take the place of Koh-i-noor. Though ingeniously adapted,

it is somewhat tedious in development, while the sympathies of the
audience can lay hold of nothing save the dogged fidelity of an agent
of police, and must recoil from both hero and heroine. MR. CLAYTON
made a decided hit as the agent,Vaubert, a most characteristically made-
up and earnestly played part. MR. ALFRED WIGAN was hardly at
home in the part of Bertrand Alvimar. Miss NEILSON, who once
showed some slight promise, entirely failed as MADAME BONVAL. Her
performance being confined to "inexplicable dumb show," was
scarcely audible beyond the front row of the stalls, and attitude after
all is not everything. Miss FARREN acted the Marquis de Fontelle
with spirit, and some of the other subordinate parts were fairly
sustained. The plot is unpleasant, and the denouement, in our opinion, a
mistake. Instead of stabbing himself with a very "property"
dagger, Alvimar ought to fling himself or fall from the balcony, to
escape from the gendarmes of Vaubert. The scenery was effectively
painted, and the dresses were excellent. But we agree with the
translators of the piece-that is, if we may deduce their opinion of its
success from their refusal to come before the curtain. The
performances commenced with the sparkling operetta of Lischen and
Fritzchen, and wound-up with that best-abused-and perhaps worst
written of burlesques-Linda of Chamouni. Pretty music and telling
costumes are very well in their way, but a burlesque requires a plot,
neat writing, and at least one or two new jokes. All the vivacity and
talent of Miss FARREN even cannot rescue such dulness, and it seems
likely that the burlesque will only be noted in dramatic annals,
because the Times first condemned it sweepingly, and then a few days
afterwards -just about the time, to be accurate, when the new drama
by MEssKs. OXENFORD AND WIGAN was underlined-announced that
on second thoughts the burlesque was not so bad after all.

Weight for Age.
The Count de Chambord attained his forty-ninth birthday a week
or so since. The Real Bore is perennial, and of his birthdays there
is no Count.

OcroE 30, 1869.] 83



M not at home-
that is to
I can't see any
one to-day-
I'mbusy, that's
Delusive hope !
will come,
Receive the mes-
sage with a
Pooh! Rub-
bish! Pack
o' stuff!"

For JONES is one
of those good
(There might
be fewer
though, per-
Who never
take a no!
And he'll persist
in coming in

"I see you're busy Never mind,
Ill call again ere long. You'll find
That what I said was true -
I ought to say that ere I go
I really hope he doesn't owe
A penny piece to you.
"It's said that MRs. D. is gone-
Of course one won't be hard upon
Poor BRowN-but still it's odd,
They disappear the self same day,
It looks a shade suspicious, eh ?
And by the way, young DODD-
"You know young DODD, in Casrrm's Bank,
He's only got himself to thank-
But still the rumour goes
That he's been doing bills with Bnow*N.
Reported commonly in town-
Oh, everybody knows! "
And so he prattles on and on
Until you wish him high upon
Oblivion's topmost shelf.
Another caller! Ask him in!
And yes-no-yes! You well may grin-
Behold it's BROWN himself.
But, lo! the chatterer, unabashed,
Has into conversation dashed-
Well, BBowN, and how d'ye do P
You're looking well-quite fresh and spry-
It's very odd, but he and I
Were talking about you."

Speaking Feelingly.
THE graceful weeping willow commands our admiration, but who
ever said a good word for the whipping birch ?

The Law Conquers Impossibility.
A xMA who goes tolaw without a leg to stand on, is sure to "put his
foot in it."
Equine Sagacity.
WE observe that the second horse in a late race, with commendable
prudence, "saved his stake."

Bags of Mystery.
A SHEFFIELD sausage-mIaker has been sentenced to throoee months'
hard labour for going the whole hog in pork-sausages with decayed
horse-flesh. When we think of the fatal diseases that might have
sprung from a string of sausages, we honour the bench that ridded-
as SHAKESPEARE Imeant to say-" ShetliAd of this mortal coil."
[N.B. Parties acquainted with Greek will be charged extra for this
number, in consideration of their getting an extra joko out of xo ia.]

The Lord Mayor and corporation."
TIE London correspondent of a provincial paper writes as
"The best all-round Lord Mayor we ever knew was Sir Bonjamia Phillips."
It would be no easy task to realize the appearance of an aldernmn
who did not present a portly presence and, d fortiori, there should be
no mistake as to the rotundity of the Chief Magistrate of the City.
The above testimonial places Six BENJAMIN in a position of which lie
may well feel proud.

"'Tis an Ill Wind that Blows Nobody Good."
Ar'TaR the disgraceful disclosures elicited at the late Election Conm-
missions, little surprise will be felt if certain constituencies "get the
bullet." The proceedings must have served to hasten the day when
the whole body of electors will get-the ballot.

A Choice.
A CORaRESPONDENT who cannot understand an advertisement he has
met with-
Wanted a Lady w'ho can Vamp well."
Is advised to apply to any music-hall pianist, or to the editor of
MAacmillvin's Mufgitzine.
Rowing in the same Boat.
WE see it stated that Mtit. B ows, the American sculler, rows in a
skiff made of paper. There is nothing new in this di-skilt-cry (con-
found the bull) : -whole families are too often "floated into society
on "paper."
A Mistake, and no Mistake.
THE extraordinary conduct of the Humane Society, with regard to
the lighterman, Slatterly, whose frequent rescues of drowning people
they refuse to recognize, is only to be accounted for by the old saying
Humanumn est errare.

[ We cannot return unaccepted M'SS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsiblefor loas.1
Jo KING.-No; you're not, your only a Wood B. Joe Kerr.
C. W. M. (Mansfield .-A feeble imitation!
W. T. (Ryde).-Don't ride your Pegasus further-'tis a sorry bru'e,
and will never find a rhyme for hippopotamus." We knew a German
once who could rhyme it, but he spoke English very imperfectly and swore
JOHN MILTON, JUNIOn.-We don't know where ysu can taken out a
"poet's license "-wouldn't one to be drunk on the premises do ? If so
apply at the nearest public-house.
GREENHORN (Regent-street).-It is not at all likely that we shall en-
couraze you in plagiarising the ideas of our staff. Mind your own shop,
and don't try to rob other people's tills.
SHORTHAND WeITER.-'ihe verses are of too flimsy" a nature.
FaEE LANCE seems rather devoid of roint.
NEPTUNE.-YOur jokes are not dry enough, your satire is not whetted
FaIzz.-Much obliged to you, indeed.
A. B. D.-" Cudgel thy wit no more "-it can't be done.
J. L. P. (Brighton).-To what sketches do you refer ? Be more explicit.
S. (Pertmadoc).-lt did not reach us, anyhow!
BOB.- Say rather tis -he who writes vulgarly.
TROJAN HousE.-Thanks, old hoss.
EmtLIE.-We would do much to oblige a lady, but we cannot insert such
rubbish as that.
G. R. W. (Paddington green).-So you would like to puff yourself in our
columns and in such execrable verse! Walker, indeed, say we!
Declined with thanks :- L., Barnstaple; C. G., Lombard street; Nemo;
A. B., Hyde-park; T. C. J.; 0 R. J. C.; A Great Many Admirers; A
Bloak; Oliver Twist; J. T. P.; Red Liohtie, Arbroath; B ; J. C., Hull;
G. G., Newton-street; W. E., Temple; H. H., Boundary-road; S. T.;
S. C.; J. C., Hackney-road; J. I. J., Wes'min-ter; W. C, Kingaland;
Attendant; E. C., Clapham; C. M., Liverpool; Toodles; Non; Ilen-awry;
B., Leeds; W. T. F., Dalston; A- N. E., Campden-bill.

S gsi

oumeu bte ouS gossip to begin,
Still threatening to go !
"Not heard that SMITH has gone to smash-
That Buows has stolen his partner's cash.
No, thanks,! I won't sit down.
For I'm just off. Dear me! to think
You hadn't heard "-then with a wink-
"I never fancied BRowN !

84_ F U N .* [Oca2nnt 30, 1869.

"Sono, Soho," said the bold MAiCO. Which proves that the bold
MARco, like a great many other foreigners, had at one time reside I in
that strange region where all the nationalities meet to talk bad
English, to discuss worse politics, and to smoke worst tobacco.
The disreputable statue in the centre of the square would seem to
be typical of the dilapidated and decayed condition of Royalty in this
quarter. Three fourths of these seedy moossoos "- to use the term
arbitrarily applied to all broken-English-speaking persons-are
conspirators of the deepest dye, and the reddest republicanism. But
they are only harmless visionaries nevertheless. Their conspiracies
are as little likely to be hatched out, as the fly-spotted eggs in the
windows of the dingy little caf6s of the neighbourhood.
It is more than likely that few of them would care to quit their
adopted country even if they had the chance of an amnesty. Could
their native air smell more of garlic than this atmosphere of Soho ? If
it could we would rather not include it in the programme of our
Autumn excursion. No They are perfectly contented, Don, Senor,
Herr, and Monsieur alike! There are no agents of police to dog them
at every turn, and haven't they their own dear little, illegible, dimly-
printed, flimsy, incomprehensible newspa ers ?
Strange vicissitudes the old square has seen since princes had their
abode there-and a greater than any prince, a man of genius,
HOGARTsr the painter set up his sign there! And 'tis classic ground
too! Ultima ccelestum, terras Astreva reliquit, and when she did so
this was the particular spot she quitted. Yes, where the minarets of
the Alhambra glitter in the smoky sunlight, Science made her last

stand, and tried to blend instruction with amusement-and tinted
fountains in the Panopticon. On that spot PITTEHi now capers
lightly and nightly!
But our foreign friends care nothing for these old associations, these
strange vicissitudes. What are the traditions of Albion to them ?
What should they care for changes, who have seen dynasties over-
thrown ?
Come along, my bold young Briton,-let us quit the spot. We
can't deprive it of its foreign flavour-we're as much out of place here
as a Christmas plum-pudding among Neapolitan ices. But if you like
we will so far sacrifice to the genius loci as to go in here, and have a
glass of absinthe.
Le Folly!
WHY should we look to medical men to put down the eccentricities
of Fashion ?-Because they can best administer Clo'-reform

One for his Worshipful.
PRELIMINARY pastime to "passing the Chair." Passing the

No Team for the Genuine Sportsman.-" Driving partridges.
NOTICE.-Nov. 15, with onerous s Illustrations, price One shilling,
Tom Hood's Comic Annual for 1870.
Also, Nov. 1, sixteen pages, toned paper, Profusely Illustrated, price 2d.,

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state tha', having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and superv.ston, a Series of REVISED ESTIM TES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : Oct. 30, 1869.


/ ,


% ifairg EtealagiaM't.

AGGATTI, who, beside being a Rag-gatherer was an honorary
member of the Worshipful Company of Kettle-menders, had
called together the brethren, and pointed out that they might be
of immense service to the besieged town if they would set to
work drumming on all the tin kettles they could lay hands on.
In fine, the inhabitants of Aphania were so energetic in their pre-
parations, and set up such a tremendous clatter and tattoo, that the
Archduke thought it prudent not to commence the assault that day,
and ordered his troops to pitch their tents. His troops had had to
make rapid and forced marches.of great length, and it was only prudent
to give them a rest.
Night closed in, and the weary soldiers of FIZroPOrF sought their
straw couches, while the inhabitants of Aphania retired to rest worn
out with the harass and anxiety of the day. An occasional and faint
" rub-a-dub-dub," from the enemy's outposts, responded to by a drop-
ping rattle of "tum-tum-tum" from the walls, showed that both
besiegers and besieged had watchful sentries and vigilant pickets.
Within the town a solitary lamp gleamed in the casement of
RAGGATTI'S humble abode. He and his son were sitting up contriving
plans for the preservation ef their native city.
So they seemed delighted at the capture of the peas ? said the
"Enraptured," replied the son; "and the Lord High Pigeoner
assured me that they were inveterate munchers of green-food."
What a pity the Royal Pea-warehouse is not outside the walls.
We could entice them all into that and then lock them in."
"It would not hold half the army, it is so full of peas just at
"Very full?"
"About three quarters-why "
RAGGATTI did not answer, but he jumped up and executed a vigorous
double shuffle which lasted for about half an hour. When he had
sunk exhausted into his chair his son questioned him as to the mean-
ing of the demonstration.
"I've got a splendid notion!" said RAGGATTI.
"What is it ? asked REMSKY.
His father looked cautiously round, to make sure they were not
observed, and then whispered something in REMsxY's ear.
Excellent! said REMSKY, his face beaming with delight.
"I'll go and lay the proposition before his Majesty," said the
And I'll put the plan into execution," exclaimed the son.
They clasped hands and remained silent for some minutes.
What's the matter now ? asked the royal Porter putting his night-
capped head out of the window in answer to RAGGATTI'S knocking. It
was past ten and the royal household retired early.
I want to see his Majesty. I have an important communication to
make about the means of defending the city and defeating the invader,"
"Oh, bother! won't it do in the morning ? asked the Porter,
"No! I must see his Majesty immediately."

With very much grumbling the Porter went and woke the Head-
porter, who in his turn roused the Groom of the Chambers, and he
summoned the Warming-pan in Waiting, who informed the First Lord
of the Bedchamber. And the First Lord of the Bedchamber tapped
at the King's bedroom door.
Cmbrr g rum phfrr said his Majesty.
The First Lord tapped again.
C'fnd wo'y wah P growled the monarch.
If you please, your Majesty, there's some one wants to speak to
you about a plan for defending the city aid routing the besiegers, and
he says it's immediate!"
"Well, then," said the sovereign, who was now fully awake, "just
bring me the crown, and show him up."
So the First Lord of the Bedchamber brought the crown, which the
King slipped on over his nightcap as he sat up in bed to receive his
The First Lord of the Bedchamber then communicated with the
Warming-pan in Waiting, and the Warming-pan in Waiting imparted
to the Groom of the Chambers, and the Groom of the Chambers in-
timated to the Head-porter and the Head-porter told the Under-porter
that the gentleman might walk up.
Of the details of the interview between His Majesty and RAGGATTI I
can give you no report, for, of course under the circumstances, no
reporters were present, no record appeared in the Gazette, and the
matter was kept a secret.
But the result of the interview was that the first Lord of the Bed-
chamber had to step down into the.Library for pen, ink, and paper;
and when these materials were procured, KING BNwoo with his own
royal hand wrote out an order commanding the keepers of the Royal
Pea-Warehouse to deliver up possession of the building and its con-
tents, together with all vans, waggons, carts, tax-carts, barrows, and
trucks, and the horses, mules, and asses thereto appertaining, besides
baskets, boxes, and packing cases used on the promises, to His Majesty's
faithful and well-beloved subject, RAGGATT.
Armed with these credentials, and by the aid of REMSKY, RAGOATTI
removed all the peas in the Royal Warehouse to a range of buildings
without the town. The peas were taken out under cover of night by
the gates farthest removed from the beleaguering forces.
REMSKY took leave of his father at the gates, and the latter returned
home, while REMSKY drove the last load of peas to the repository with-
out the town, and having stored it there, drove off in the direction of
the enemy's camp.

"MAY your Serene Mightiness's boots never be tighter!" said
FIELD MARSHAL GAGAGAoGUM, entering the Archduke's tent with
the usual salutation.
Well, GAGGS, my boy," said the Archduke, who was of a jovial and
rollicking disposition when in the field-and successful, well, GAGos,
my boy, what is the news ? Has BuNGo capitulated ?"
No, your Serenity, he has not! But a young man has presented
himself at the outposts and states that he wishes to be conducted into
your august presence. We have searched him, and he carries no con-
cealed weapons, so that if your Mightiness elects to admit him it can
be done with complete safety."
"What is his object in demanding an interview?" asked Fiz-
He will not breathe a word on that subject to any one but yourself,
Highness! "
"What is he like P"
"Young, slightly-formed, and not ill-looking !"
"Is he bigger or stronger than I am ? "
"Neither, your Highness."
"Then send him in."
The Field Marshal retired for a moment, and then returned loading
in the son of RAGGATTI.
He says he hasn't a card about him, but his name is REMSKx, and
he's an inhabitant of Aphania."
"That will do, Field Marshal, leave us !" said the Archduke, who
had taken the precaution to cock his pistols while the Field Marshal
went out to fetch REMSKY.
Now then, what is it ? asked the Archduke sharply, turning to
REMsKY leant one hand on the back of a chair, placed the other
under his coat-tails behind, cleared his throat, and alternately rising
and falling on his toes as he proceeded, in accordance with the em-
phasis of his utterances, he began the following remarkable oration.

Canii, winner of the Cesarewitch, is described as being "fiddle-headed."
A first fiddle, of course.


NOVEMBER 6 1869.]


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, NArovember, 3rd, 1869.
ERE lies a gallant gentleman! is the tribute of sorrow
and regard which all alike will pay to the late EARL OP
DERBY. Those who disagreed with the politician, could-
not but love and, admire the man; and Lancashire
throughout its length and breadth will mourn long .for one-
whose warm heart and open hand never failed its people in-
times'of difficulty or distress.
SHi political opponents were as proud of "the Rupert of
Debate" as his friends were. The knight without fear' addi
without' reproach, who to the last battled so stoutly against'
odds, takes with him to his grave the nation's honour: and
affection.' On his bier we may lay, if'not the victor's wreath,-
)-at least'the hero's, beside' the dinted sword. Before'it, those
:who 'were ranged on the opposite side in the political battle
field are not ashamed to lower their banner and sink'their.:
arms, as they -d'osad reverence-to the' honoured dead. Eng-,
'land will looked, and: long in vain, foranother Cavalier as fear-
'less, as gentle, and as noble as'."the Rutpert'of-Debate'.'
iliupert gtteordb',
RnieT, Sorrow,' uncontrolled
In all hearts gentle, generous, and brave--
For, lo, stout heart and open hand lie cold
In DEsmn's honoured' grave.
Nobly he bore his paty .
True to his monarch, loyal to his land,
With soul too fiery for mean trickster's art-
E'en in his.errowgrand.:
Bring, Britain, here tly'wreath,
And on our gallant Rurnat's coffin lay;
By that keen blade-(how fretted it the sheath!)-
Hacked in how many a fray !
Aye! Let your salt tearsfall;.
Oh, widowed Shire,.he oft hath bid rejoice-
No quicklier stirred his heart the battle-call
Than Charity's soft voice.
Unsullied as his shield,
The record of his life shall History ter;-.
"Quick in the council, foremost in the. field,
He loved his country well."
Opponents-yet no foes-
Mingle with friends theit sorrow o'er his'biert
So mourned, so honoured, passes to repose
Our dauntless Cavalier.!:

WE should rejoice very much to see the proposition of the Rev. F.
0. MonRIs to impose a tax on guns embodied in, a practical form. by
the Chancellor of the Exchequer. It would be a more defbisible: tax
than that on dogs, and would be infinitely more serviceable.- Those
who live in the suburbs, a few miles from town, are subjected to con-
stant annoyance, not to say danger,' by the popping and banging of
idle hulking vagabonds, who prowl about after small birds, and are not
too careful in what direction they fire, or how near they are to the
highroad. The-wanton destruction of the birds, is not the only harm
they inflict, for they never scruple to fire into fruit trees, doing
infinite injury to the young wood and'the tender buds. Under
pretext of shooting, moreover, these loafers snap up many unconsidered
trifles; and many an idler has been transformed into a poacher if: not
a thief by the temptations to which the possession of a gun expose him.
We sincerely hope MR. Lows will revolve this question on his
bicycle; and should he come to the determination to. impose a tax on
guns we shall for the first time in our lives hail gladly the addition of'
an impost to the numerous burdens which the British tax payer has
to grin and bear.

Musical Intelligence;
Mn. SIMS REEVES is unfortunately subject to such frequent indis-
positions that we feel sure it will'gratify his admirers to learn from
the Leeds papers that he; is-to use the vernacular-" all alive, and
kicking "

[NovEMana 6, 1869.


Oxm'goes.to where the great hidalgos dwell,
Perofhace he'll represent us fairly well.;:
Thie;othermnust-'foregocalLslouting larks
Andrforthep people-kee the Ippple's parks.
L.-If- it comes, aff- thinly: it does, sixth on the scale,
Yoanll'reach-it quite easil -yes,:without fail.;
TYn'll.ind' it, well uttereda'muisicalmnote
'tV-should come from the chest;-notbe sung in the tliraot.-
21He should'be, arhis nameimplies,.a friend-
But friendships come sometimes to-saddest end.
He was called "faithful" once, a poet spoke;,
And added thereto-an unseemly joke.
3. In:the nigger-tongue correct,
This word, if you recollect,
Names-a tint brunettes may wear;,
Should be shunned by maidens faii.
4. If I stepped down, you might;expressoby this
The act, and yet exceeding strange it is,
It means far more-without exaggeration,
It-might express a general conflagration.
'.s' "'IMTe.rest have gloves of sweet perfume,
The gauntlet strong of mail,
The broider'd cap and flaunting plume,"
His name taught -Moors to quail.
6. A name of a swell in-a nation, we know,
Used to boast of that hero in ages ago.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC- NO. 137. Emperor, Empress: Etiquette,
Mushroom,-Pulp, Elixir, Re, Offers, Riches.
Cdoaerd SarturW- opr AcnRsTro NO. 137 RvcsVED October 27th.-Linda
Prinoegsr.f Dot; Q.- E. D.; C. and. Sarah; SeCrr Wheel; Blueskin; Derfla:and
Teul; D;,E.H.; Biddy Timothy and Co ; Lilla; Carl6tta; Frank and Maria; J.
O. P.; Dead Pansy;'J. H:; A. L. and McK.; Pipehop; Ri A. M:; F. A. T,; Ruby's
Ghost; Thiklassa;' Acrostio Solving Cot; Yerrip; Old' London; Podge's Grand-
mother; Mid Nnu Totterdown; Suffolk Dumpling; Prior. of G.; Slap Dash; Dick;
Pimlico Tom Cat; Nemo; Old John.; Slodger and 'iney; Vansittart; Gray's
Gallivanting Giants ; Bravo Ned; J. H. L.

How it Happened.
STa Broad&.rrow is very indignant about another case of red tape,
o which it gives an account, epitomised below:-
Lieutenant-ColoaelTwyford, commanding the 2nd Administrative Battalion Hants
Rifle Volunteers, an officer who has laboured hard for the good of the force for some
time past, recently intimated to his men that he intended shortly to introduce the
new spade-drill, which may now be said to form a most essential part of military
instruction; Colonel Twyford had an interview with-an Engineer officer attached to
the department at Portsmouth, and.a letter written to one of the Control officials-at
Portsmouth, where thousands of necessary implements for the operations are stored
applying for the use of them. According to the instructions given him, the Colonel.
wrote to the War Office on the subject, asking for the use of the tools, and received
an intimation that his request could-not be complied with.
We have had recourse to our own spiritual medium, and are enabled
to describe the way in which.the Colonel's application was received.
We put it in. a dramatic form for convenience:-
JoNEs, a clerk, discovered: reading: the Times; Buown, another-
clerk, reading the Standard; RoBINsoN, a third clerk, reading an
official document.
RoBmIsoN.-Oh, I say, ye know, here's a fellah wants the use of a
lot of spades for spade-drill.
Buowx.-Oh, bother! We shall have beggars:always applying for
spades for spade-drill, ye- know.
JoNEs.-Can't be done-of cawse!
RoBINSON sits down and writes.-" I am directed by the Secretary
of State for War to acknowledge, ete., and. to inform you that your
application cannot be complied with. I have the honour to be.
OMNEs.-Oh yaas, of.cawse! Couldn't be done!

As Lost Opportunity.
"The Cambridgeshire," a racing tipster, announces to be a gift." for
his selection; Somehow or other he might have lugg'd in the
sweet word Ely-mosynary.

The Coming "Fifth."-A Caution.
STan streets, are no places for fireworks-don't drive a horse with a
"blaze'." on his face.
A FREE TaANSLATION.-DediCated to Autumnal Croquet-players.-
ZLatet anguish) in herbd:-You'll catch rheumatism if the grass is

FU J N.-NOVEMBER 6, 1869.



44 ~

// 1,

/ 1h

BORN MARCH 29, 1799.

DIED OCT. 23; 1869.

NormiErn 6, 1869.] I' TJ N. 91

/' Murgatroyd's Office.
MUnn.-I am a bill-
4discounter and money-
lender, with gruesome
secrets in my bosom.
Enter MRs. MOULD.
Mns. M. -Which it's
wishing of you health
and happiness, sir.
SMURG. (aside).-Ha!
SI that Woman! (Aloud.)
SlWthat would you ?
a ten pound note as I
wants,as can'thurtyou,
and which will keep a
poor lorn woman from
Revealing unpleasant
secrets about a kid.
Muns Graovn.-Here is the'sum-! Be off. [Exit MRs. M., with gold.
Enter FELICIA, his niece.
MURnanorno.-Felicia, you. must marry my ward, Sit\Simon
Simple, Bart.
FELIIA.-But he is such an ass !
MXInATRtor.-No matter. Asses are not included in. the table of
prohibited affinities. Soft-he comes.
tmoGAToroY (aside)'-- Sir Simon, you- must marry my niece.
Smi SIoN.-Certaitsly. Anything you like. [Erit'MfUirsATROYD.
Sm SimoN.-Felicia, I love young in spite of that absurd back hair.
FELrcIA.- Sir Simon, I can never be yours, notwithstanding your
canary wig.
SI Sa oN.-And why ?
FzLicrAl.-I love another! Behold- him!
Enter-a CLERK.
CIRanx.-It is too true. (Embraces her;)
SmI SIeON.-I see it is. I will drop a tear. [Drops one.
MURGATROYD.-Well, is the affair settled.
Sm SimoN.-It is-I cannot marry that girl. In the first place,
she loves another. In the second, I am not such a fool as I look.
MURGATRO n.- Then (ha! ha!) I will be avenged! Ybu think
you are Sir. Simon Simple. You are not Sir Sibmon Simple I
ALL.-H bl!
AeURGATRoYM.-Listen. Consumed by an abstract desire to have a
titled man for a nephew-in-law, and not finding one handy, I created
you a baronet. I mentioned it at the time to the College of Heralds,
and they had no objection. But you are not a baronet. You are
Augustus Cooksey, the son of Mrs. Mould, washerwoman, by her first
husband! Thus, at one word, do I hurl ye from your high estate!
ALL.-Ineredible! TABLEAU.
ACT II.-Mrs. Mould's Zodgings. Mr. and Mfs. Mould at supper.
Mns. MovLan.-Here is your tea, bread, and butter. As for me, two
kidneys is ample.
MOULD.-Give mne your kidneys. I will be trampled on no longer.
A kidney for me, and one for your boy Augustus Cooksey, late Sir
Simon Simple. For you, none!
MRS. MOULD.-Ah, me! (Weeps.)
Enter AUGUSTUS CooKsE.r.
AoGUsTus.--What! Think you I would take my mother's kidney
out of her very mouth ? Here, mother, take both!
[Nobly gives her both. She eats them ravenously.
MIOULD.-Oh, Mrs. Mould, I'll pay you out for this!
AUGrsTUS.-Stay. I am slow m expressing myself, but I am pretty
quick at seeing the right thing to do. I am a young man of good im-
pulses, but defective elocutionary gifts, and I cannot forget that that
insolent drunken old cat is my mother, and I allow no one to insult
her but myself!
MRS. MOULD.-Ify noble boy! [ WIeps over him.
AUGUSTUs.-Get out, mother. [-Eseunt MR. and MRS. MOULD.
Enter FELICIA and A CLEaK.
AUGUSTUS.-Felicia, you here ?
FELICIA.-I do-and I feel too-feel, deeply, deeply, for your de-
gradation. Once a baronet, now a cad!, Oh, I am glad- truly, truly
glad, that I refused you.
AUGUSTUs.-Ever generous Felicia! But why here with A Clerk ?
FELICIA.-I have just married him, and we seek concealment from
the indignation of uncle Murgatroyd.

AUGUSTUo.-Then go in there. It is my bedroom. (They go into
his bedroom.) [Exit AuGousTUS.
Bfter MRS. MOULD and MRS. MERTON, a mysterious lady, veiled.
MRS. MOULD.-BUt who might you be, ma'am ?
MRS. Mm ETON.- No matter. Do you remember my leaving a babe
in your hands, twenty years ago, for you to bring up as your own ?
Mns. MouLn.-Let me think! (After a violent effort of memory.)
Yes, I do-I do! We called him Augustus Cooksey.
M1ts. MEuTON,-I was his mother- nay, I am his mother still! Oh,
let me see him'.
MRS. MouLD.-He is greatly changed, you would hardly know him.

SMRls. MERTON (with a mother's anxiety).-Is he much grown ?
MRs. MOULD.-Much. He wears an eye-glass now.
iMRS. MEnRTON.--He had no eyeglass when I left him with you. But
that was twenty years ago!
MRns. MOULD.-Which he is coming up-stairs, mum. As you have
come to claim himand take, him home with you, you might not wish
him to know you are-here. If so, conceal yourself in that corner.
MRS. ME EToN.-Evidently my best plan. [Conceals herself.
MURGATROYD. Scoundrel! My
niece and. A Clerk are here give
them up, or I'll-
[Threatens AUGUSTUS with stick. '.
AuGrSTUs.-Not so! -
[AUGUSTUs takes stick and snaps it
across his knee.
IMURGATROYD.-Ha! This to my
very stick!
[Is about'to strike AUGUSTUs. AUGt'S-
TUS prepares to murder MUiGA- .
TROYD when MRS. MaERTON rushes
from corner in which she was con-
MR.s. MERTON. Hold! He is
your !!! TABLEAU. -44
ACT III.-Mrs. Merton's house. Enter MR. MOUrD.
MaR. MOULD.-I have fled, from my wife, and, I am Mrs. Merton's
confidential butler. [Exit MOULD.
SIMPLE) followed by MRS. MOULD.
MtRS. MOULD.-Which my husband is concealed in this house, and
well I knows it. Perhaps he,is in thisroom. [Exit into inner room.
SEnter MR. MOULDn. 1e
sees his wifc's umbrella
and is about to fies, when,
S enter MRS. MOULD, who
stops him.
J1 M1he. M ovLD.n-Which I
am a reformed character,
Mould, and will make
things pleasant if you will
31 o UL D. Angel of
Light, I am thin for
ever! [ They embrace.
MEtOtrMRS. MEnTON, fol-
lowed by MUROATROYD:
MRs. MuERTON.-Arthur
Merton, late Augustus
Cooksey, late Sir Simon
Simple, beholdyour father!
I was about to explain this
at the end of the second
*iact, but the curtain fell,
p and afterwards the matter
escaped me.
ARTUuR (late, &'.).-My father! [They embrace.
Mes. MERTON.-Let us celebrate this joyful occasion with a dance.
MERTOs, late A UUSTUS C00KSEY, late SIR SIMox SIMcPLe) with a
housemaid. CURTAIN.
OURSEL vEs.-The first and second acts are cleverly designed and
capitally written. The third act is very weak and altogether unworthy
of the other two. MIR. BYnox made a successful ddbit in London as
Sir Simon. He has hardly acquired the self-contained bearing and
perfect repose of an old actor, but his performance was distinguished
by many excellencies nevertheless. MR. CLARK and Mss. STEPmUENS,
admirable as they always are. Mn. PABSELLE's make up as Murga-
troyd is excellent, and unconventional. The scenery is sufficiently good.


[NOVEMBEn 6, 18(9.

WS have much pleasure in reproducing for the amusement and
initrdini of our readers a very curious illumination, which forms the
i., t;i .af a rnre and undiscovered MS. in the National Collection.
i..- ,. is n t decipherable in parts, but those who are acquainted
with the works of Ds Wozux will agree with us that the author
writes Eke Wnnea ;-indeed, in some passages, very much as if he
lK d as taigue in his cheek, too!
Frnam this mawee we gather a few strange facts. Ye Bobbye,"-
whom cBB a jlntr probably with a deeply sarcastic intention styles
"'Y '.,,wi-ri" ",f ye Peace"-would seem to have been something
like the Dame, an oppressive and powerful invader of our English
Liberties. He is to be seen in the centre of the illumination cruelly
and inexcusa My assaulted by two persons who from their garb are
eiidently yesocable and well-to-do citizens." The lower group is
q..:. -.:f La the text as an ilustration of the manner in which cer-
tayne eville-does were wont to interfere with ye B.ibbye in ye
:; .-u3.: of A,. dutye." The upper group is described as showing
how ye Botbye executed a certain feat which our author calls
" runnyge in." Above these figures occurs a representation of a
dog, with the pculiar helmet of ye Bobbye tied to his tail. This is
suseeptihle of two interpretations:- one is that the dog represents
courage and honesty, the virtues of the fourfooted guardian, and the
contempt in which they were held by ye Bobbye;-the other inter-
retation rests on the tradition that the Bobbye was an enemy to dogs,
because they barked when he was hanging about any place, but that
he liked cats, which were often accused of stealing cold viands that
had been really consumed by the Bobbye himself.
On the left hand of the figures just described is a representation of
a Court of Justice, as conducted at the period when ye Bobbye was
in the height of his power. In the background two Bobbyes are seen,
bearing heavy clubs, and intimidating their prisoner who has been
brought up charged on their evidence. A third Bobbye is in the
witness box going through the form of taking an oath. The figure
in front of him is that of the magistrate or Justasse as the MS.
denominates him. His face expresses a complete belief of all that the
Bobbye is going to say. Other Bobbyes are seated in the body of the
court and are using significant gestures to indicate their readiness to
swear to everything that the witnessing Bobbye thinks fit to say. The

venerable BEAxs, who was himself a Justasse," has some curious
remarks on the subject of ye Bobbye's oath, which we will briefly
mention. He says such an oath was called a Scotland Yard oath,"
and he explains that as a Scotland mile was in old times facetiously
taken to mean a mile and a bittock," that bittock being in reality
more than a mile, so a Scotland Yard oath" meant truth by the
same measure-that is to say, truth and a bit over-which was a good
deal more than the truth.
On the other side of the illumination two Bobbyes will be seen
evidently enjoying in the highest degree what is going on in the back
ground. This is evidently allegorical, and represents a bird which,
bearing a resemblance to the conventional goose of old illuminations,
seems to be elevating a Bobbye, evidently of superior rank, to a pedes-
tal, and making a hero of him. The meaning of the word "Bath" is
obscure, but persons of weak mind used to be sent there to have their
heads shaved.

Domum, domum, resonemus!"

SIcK of the'shingle and tearful for town again,
Weary of wandering-cloyed with our clan;
Cheerfully chattering, bronzed up quite brown again,
Steaming to London as hard as we can.
Ah! what a merry time have we not had of it-
Breasting the billows and braving the breeze ;
Sorry to leave it ? 0 no! we are glad of it-
Glad to get back to bleak parks and bare trees !
Gas in the twilight now gleams again rosily,
Home is a snuggery nothing can match ;
As we drive up to the porch, ah! how cozily
Gloweth the fire-light from under the thatch.
Sated with laziness, leisure, and vanity,
Yachting, and bathing, and seaside renown;
Swiftly we hasten, with pleasure-urbanity,
Back to the noise and the bustle of Town!

NEVER talk with your mouth full. If you talk with a bit
mouth you must expect to be hoarse.

in your

NoTEmvnE 6, 1869.] F 'U N. 93

A Humble Address on the Openinq of Blackfriars Bridge and
Holborn Viaduct.
jesty! Welcome
once more
To the City your
l Ivisits oft gladdened
Sof yore !
w We wait for your
coming-we watch
7!. for your face,
As children who long
for their mother's
embrace :
The days have been
dark, let the pro-
mise be bright;
|| -Your presence among
us shall scatter the
S night.
face to your people
As the Spring after
S-Winter the sun
after rain!

S- There be sorrow, and
l--l famine, and want
in our isle,
Though its woods may be fair, though its harvests may smile,
For Industry's hand quits, a-weary, the plough,
And Labour stands idle with sweat on its brow,
And Commerce is languid, for well doth she ken
Less merchandise now? are her exports than men.
Then come once again; mid your people to dwell--
The land will recover, and all-shall be well.
True, loving, and loyal, we mourned when your brow
By grief was o'ershaded- rejoice with us now!
The shadow still spreads o'er the length of the land-
The veil can be lifted by only one hand;
Let this day prove an omen of happier days,
When Prosperitygladdens the isle with its rays,
When Industry smiling shall till the rich soil,
And Labour shall sing and not sigh o'er its toil.
Welcome Your Majesty! Hark, how it swells
The people's glad cry o'er the clash of the bells'!
How eager they strain loving eyes for your face-
Like children who'look for another's embrace.
Queen-Mother, we greet you, how gladly, once more
To the City your visits oft gladdened of yore.
Oh, welcome your face to your people again,
As the Spring after Winter, the sun after rain!

Pigeon's Milk Nowhere.
THEY must have strange creatures in Ireland still, though ST.:
PATRICK did drive out the reptiles. 'We have it on the authority of
the Pall fall Gazette, that-among the clauses in LoRD LEITRIM'S leases
is a provision that the tenant shall protect the eggs of hares and!
rabbits." Irish rabbits must be more extraordinary than Welsh ones,
and whatever Irishmen's manors may 'be, their (r)'abits must be
Country Produce.
RECENT reports state that Bridgewater 'has'produced a large crop of
the Bribe-berry. The'only objection to this fruit (of an inquiry)'is tl at
it stains the fingers very.much.

England Expects, etc.
AN "Anxious Bargee writes:to us to know whether by keeping- as
near as possible to the towing path," he is adhering to the "path of

THE MODERN ISTHmtI GAMn.-The Suez Otanal.
FOLKS who have not missed their vocation :-The Vokes Family.
FRno grave to gay:-The conversion of Bunhill Fields Cemetery
into a recreation ground.

MnR. RomIsoN's Pictorial Effect in Phofograpliy (Pnnm AND CAuTER)
is a very valuable contribution to the literature of Art. It will be
found most useful in a wider sphere than that for which it is specially
intended, for the hints upon composition will be studied with advan-
tage by draughtsmen and painters. The style is so clear and simple
that a child could understand the instruction it convoys, even without
the aid of the apt illustrations with which it is supplied. The hand-
book is elegantly turned out, print and paper being excellent, and
contains some clever etchings and photographs. The other illustra-
tions are scarcely so successful, being reproductions of woodcuts byono
of the thousand-and-one processes which are meant to supersede wood-
engraving, but always fail to do so.
THE Knight's Ransom (WARNE AND Co.) is a reprint of a popular
novel by Mas. VALENTrIN, and forms one of the Household series
of novels issued by this firm. An interesting story, with clover illus-
trations, turned out in the best style of printing, is certain of the
success it deserves, and needs no elaborate commendation at our hands.
The same firm issues The Poetical Works of E zLIZA CooK, as one of the
Chandos Classics," at a price which places them within the reach of
all, and yet with such good paper and print as to make the price a

School or Jail.
WE rather agree with the St. Pancras meeting in the following
The determination of the Middlesex magistrates to erect a new county prison, at a
cost for the site alone of upwards of 12,000 is already evoking opposition on the
part of the Metropolitan parishes. A meeting in St. Pancras lastmight declared such
expenditure wasteful and unnecessary, and an agitation throughout the count, y in
opposition to the proposal is threatened.
Would it not be better-to expend the twelve thousand in educating
rather than punishing-in multiplying schoolmasters not jailors ?
Twelve thousand pounds' worth of Prevention is bettor that twenty-
four thousand pounds' worth of Cure.

No, thank you!
WE are sorry to note a new invention-clever enough, we admit -
by which the labels on bottles are to be superseded by printing on the
glass itself by means of elastic types. Here is the description :-
In bottle printing it is done direct upon the glass itself, being permanently burned
thereon, or varnished, in which latter case it is twice as durable as a paper label,
whilst paper, trimming, paste, and fixing are spared.
Yes, but unfortunately the genuine liquor is spared too; and bottles
that once held genuine vintages or brows will be available for inferior
imitations. We always draw a knife across the label when wo finish
a bottle of BASS or GUINNEss, but such a precaution against fraud will
be rendered impossible by the now invention.

gmobytrils t0 sfltfiap l ts.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are need-a.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourtetees
responsible for loss.]
B.-The absence of any mention of Lord Derby's death in the 'ast
number was due to the fact that that number-in accordance with thec.xi-
gencies of our circulation-had .gone to press before the sad event was
SIENNA.-One half of your contribution is indecent, the other plagiirf'sed
from our columns-not half bad that!
F. J.-Your letter of twenty-sirx folios has little chance of apptMring,'till
we issue a quadl'uple number: --No! not quadruped "-no insinauion
was meant.
(Sydenham).-You're too sharp. Look at the sentence again, and you
will see the 8. T. is right, and you are wrong.
BOXLt Y (Tavistock).- All right, we'll have that free admission thefi'rst
time you perform in town. So look out.
NOT M. P.-Personally we incline to the accent on the second syllable,
because of the Greek, but the general voice lays stress on 'ho first.
H. L. H.-Faulty in construction :-we wish correspondents would be
contented when their MSS. are sent, and not have them scented too.
Ancvs.--Non Semper .Arcum tendit .Apollo.-You are wide of the mark,
yet your aim is laudable.
YoUNGo GovEmROa.-The young friend is right-it is a comical matter,
and yet 'tis a matter of coarse.
Declined with thanks:-J. B. F., Primrose-bill; S. B Slough;
.T. W. S.; Trojan Horse; L. F. IL, Exeter; T. C, Weedon; E. B. ;.Carel;
.P. F. H.; J. J.; W. M. E, Darlington; W. W. B.; S. J. S Camnbrwell;
W. R. W., Gloucester: B.; A. H Fortwilliam; W. T Rlyd; J. B.;
E. L., Hackney; Toodles; B., Liverpool; M. R, Dalston; The Chii;
J. T., Blaekheath; W. F. H., Mayfair; T. H. 8.; J. W.; F. N,, Bityd-
water; 8. P. C., Nottingham; J. C., Forest Gate; Mortimer; Bung; QGAz;
H. M., Bayham-street; J. R.; W. P. H.; Planet; W. T, Leeds; Gcnt;
0. 0.; Amicus; A Rider; P. D.; Nihilominus.

94 IF' U [NOVEMBER 6, 1869.

Youth, with effgy, to Page, with Bith-chair :-" H! BUTTONS! I'Ll GI YE' A BROW AND Y GuY FOR YOuR!"

NOX ET PRIETEREA NIHIL. It is night: the summer breezes seem to get into my head,
What is, is-what isn't, ian't-that's not bad!-I'll go to bed.
IT is night: light winds of summer whisper to the elm trees high, W t h ngo
And the trees with fluttering bosom murmur back an answering sigh.
All is still: the placid moonbeams bathe the scene in softened light, A Keen Perception.
And all nature sleeps, reposing in the beauty of the night. i n n j
But I'm smoking hard, and drinking something stronger far than tea, s Budding Knihave grow" in thsufficien utly by Christma' windows justo slope into now, we
And I don't feel very jolly for Amelia's false to me. inquire--wi they have grown sufficiently by Christmas to sope into
My Amelia was a beauty, hair she had, hung to her waist, the sirloin of beef
Ay, it was the proper colour, yellow, in the best of taste.
And her eyes were blue and tender, and her boots were neat and small, Measure for Mleasure.
Like her hands. Her figure, too, was nicely rounded, straight, and tall. WE see advertised by MESSRS. HOGG AND Sow a guide to versifi-
All1 her features were perfection, nose, and mouth, and chin beneath, cation entitled Bules of /hyme. We presume such rules are foot-
And she always kept on smiling just to show her pretty teeth, rules.
And I used to take her with me every time when I went out,
And I used to stand her luncheons, sherry, bottled ale, and stout: LONG MAY BHE ENJOY IT.
And she told me how she loved me, how she hoped I loved her too, THE REAL QUEEN'S PRIZE." Health..
And if I continued faithful she could never prove untrue.
But alas! she went to Margate, where she goes when out of town,
And she met upon the jetty some one walking up and down. Now READY, sixteen pages, toned paper, Profusely illustrated, price 2d.,
She's no longer my Amelia, she to me is now a myth, FUN ALMANAC.
Jones is my name-hers was BAKER- it's MRS. PERCY SMITH. o. 15, Numerous Illustrations, price One Shiin,
But I truly can't help thinking that my fate is rather durain- Ao rou ans r O
Hardish lines-to go on living in the paubpos

Measrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state tha', having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furnmture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phmnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Nov. 6, 1869.

NOVEMBER 13, 1869.]

F UN. 5

THERE's the May'r
In the Chair
I declare,
And the Mace
In his place
With his face
Ha! ha!
Stuck close to the glass
As they pass!
Soldiers bold
Next behold;-
Steel and gold
They gleam.
Well, and then
Three times ten
They seem-
Or probably more,
As before
They stream!
There's the last,
They are past-
All too fast!
What's that ?
Here's a crowd,
Shouting loud,-
I'm endowed
With fat,-
They squeeze and abuse me,
They push and ill use me,
My hat!
Oh, they've taken my hat


N --
$ N,
V -


a' S.

.Drayman to .Pedestrtan:-" HAVE A CARE, SIR!"

THE Winter Exhibitions are opening. MR. WALLIS, as usual, shows
an admirable collection of pictures by British and Foreign Artists, at
the French Gallery in Pall Mall. The foreign artists decidedly pre-
dominate in number, and perhaps in merit. Some of MR. LEADER'S
exquisite landscapes, however, claim first rank for England in that
CRESWICK are all well represented in the gallery: and there are
pleasing works on the walls by MESSRS LIDDEIHDALE, HOUGHTON, and
CALTHROP, among others.
The Bond-street Gallery is, we regret to say, somewhat disappoint-
ing. The number of oil-paintings is small, and should have been on
that account the more excellent. We cannot believe that at this time
of the year it is impossible to get together a better show of works of
this class, and we fear that either from want of judgment, or some
less worthy cause, good pictures have been excluded and bad ones
hung. The water-colour exhibition is large, but its standard is not a
very high one. MR. FITZGERALD'S "Grandfather," AMR. BARNES'
"Prawn-seller," and Promenade "-very badly hung-MR. SMALL'S
"On Guard,"-Mn. Siums's "Cottage Pets," and pictures by MESSRs.
RossITER, BRITTEN, and SMALLFIELD are among the few paintings
which repay one for a visit. The arrangement of the water-colour
rooms is a decided improvement on last year.
The person who compiles the impertinent play-bill of the St.
James's Theatre is under the delusion that the name of the author of
the Jumping Frog is not known in England. Why, a shilling book
containing that and many other of MARK TWAIN'S amusing sketches
has been on every bookstall for a year and more-his contributions
have appeared, signed, in an English magazine, and his writings have
been popular at Penny Readings. This instructive Yankee had better
go back to his grandmother at New York with a shipload of raw

THE RECRUITING SYSTEM :-Bought cheap, and sold dear.
bed of Pro-Crust-es.
MOTTO for the hopelessly involved, See-debt mternumque

THE clothes had been washed, just washed in a tub
The morning, though windy, was fine ;
And MARY, well-skilled in the science of scrub,
Had hung them to dry on the line.
When thinking too loosely and freely they flapped,
And dreading the loss of a shirt,
I imprudently pulled the line tauter-it snapped,
And down the clothes fell in the dirt 1
"And such," I exclaimed to my passionate spouse,
"Is of kindness the consequence dire;
Thus ever, when soaped, do Society's sows
Go wallow again in their mire.
"Thus, fined for false measures, the scoundrels of trade
But practise extortion the more ;
And children whose debts foolish parents have paid,
Contract bigger debts than before.
"Thus, pledged to abstain, does each beer-bibbing beast
For one pint he swilled whilom, swill ten,
And Fenians from Bridewell, too rashly released,
Spout treason and twaddle again.
"Calm, MARY, thy choler, some tact and finesse
May repair the results of my freak;
And this shirt, if it's starched with a little address,
May adorn my fond bosom a week "

An Excellent Opportunity.
IT is announced that EARL RUSSELL and his family will pass this
winter in Italy. A reform, long called for, might now be appro-
priately introduced as a graceful compliment to his lordship. Let the
rate of postage on letters to and from the Continent be reduced to
something approaching a reasonable charge.

MANY a man who can knock down abullock with case could not for
the life of him tie a fly."



[NovEMBnER 13, 1869.

FUN OFFICR, Wednesday, November 10th, 1869.
HE times take time to mend. The country does not recover all
in a minute from the effects of OVEREND AND GURNEy smashes,
l;, Albert Insurance exposes, and the long strife of Labour and
Capital, with alternate strikes and lock-outs.
Yet, surely something should be done to prevent worse following on
bad. We are suffering from a partial paralysis, but that is all the
more reason that we should not lose strength more than we can possi-
bly help. Nerve and muscle may be fettered by the disease; but
would any wise surgeon suggest their removal as a cure ? A quack
might. And that is why we fear that the glib talk of emigration
aggravates rather than amends the condition of the country. England
breeds and rears stout fellows, and, as soon as they are old enough to
be valuable, ships them off to other countries! If that is not "losing
strength," what is ?P It is not even gaining ground," for now-a-days
our Colonies are independencies rather than dependencies, and should
they-which is, we hope and believe, most improbable-imitate our old
American possessions, and take to kicking, it will be no great satisfac-
tion for England to reflect that she has supplied so much bone and
sinew for the effectual performance of the act.

BY the time these lines are in our readers' hands, the Lord Mayor's
show will be over. We may however take it for granted that the
authorities have as usual allowed the roughs to have undisturbed
possession of the streets after the procession has passed. There will
be the usual rush, and the usual loss of hats by misguided respectable
donkeys who get into the crowd.
Nothing could be easier than to stop this horse-play which still
further degrades a show we have no great right to be proud of at its
best. Half a dozen policemen, posted at intervals along the route, would
by closing across the street be able to stop the rush, and prevent the
accumulation of roughs which gathers as it goes. The City Police are
quite equal to the task, for they are a fine body of men, of a far
higher stamp than the ordinary Metropolitan constables. If they
only have the order, we feel sure they have the power to prevent the
scene of riot and ruffianism which yearly brings the Civic Ceremony
into discredit.

THE days grow cold-the nights are long,
Let's gather round the roaring logs
With pun and picture, tale and song ;
We'll bid defiance to the fogs,
And frosts and snows, and sullen sky :
This book shall make the season fly.
1. The Witless they named him,
He cared not a bit;
The wise might well claim him,
So keen was his wit.
2. Oh, gnats and fleas, and creeping things,
With legs and feelers, wings and stings;
While thus about you buzz and creep,
This will not let me go to sleep.
3. The sun's o'erhead in midmost heaven!
An hour ago, it struck eleven.
4. It's a good sort of lozenge for cold or for cough,
And drives their most harassing symptoms off.
5. She stood upon a wood-crowned height,
Her babes, as BREITMANN says, were mit her.
She gazed upon the hard-fought fight-
A wandering bullet chanced to hit her.
A fate she'd have escaped, no doubt,
By Minden' what she was about.
6. His wonderful self-approbation
Declared he was competent quite,
To perform a most grave operation,
Or lead our good fleet into fight.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 138. Brew 2eer ; Bezoar, Rhyme,
Exhaustive, Waiter.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 138.-None correct.



BORN 18TH FEB., 1795. DInD 4'T Nov., 1869.

ANOTHER honoured head laid down to sleep!
A heart, Gon-filled with pity for the poor,
Is still:-behold how many come to weep,-
His mourners all the hapless, who endure
Scant food, and hard-earned wage, and cold, in silence deep!
England, too, claims her place beside his grave,
Her son-though he was born beyond the seas.
"Stronger than water, blood !"-and she may crave
Share in her benefactor's obsequies,
Among his nearer kin beyond the Atlantic wave.
Come, tearful Charity, and sit you down
Beside the tomb that holds the good man's dust.
And yet-look up and see where angels crown
The generous, the gentle, and the just-
So Heaven's approval stamps the bright and pure renown.

A Handel to his Name.
THE .IMusical Standard tells the following amusing story :-
At the Crystal Palace during an organ performance by Mr. Coward, the r ame of
Handel, then inscribed on the front of the great instrument in the centre transept,
attracted the attention of a listening couple, and was made the subject of enquit y on
the part of the lady. That's the name of the gentleman who's playing," was the
confident reply of the swain in her company, given with all the pride of superior
We suppose the swain imagined that the organ was a grinder and
could not be played without a Handle of some sort.

WE sometimes hear of insults offered to the British flag in foreign
parts-insults that are promptly avenged. This is the first time we
have heard of anything of the kind happening in an English port-
the act of an English officer-and allowed to pass unpunished.
The Commander in Chief at Portsmouth, Vice Admiral Sir James Hop2, G.C.B.,
struck hisflag on board the Duke of Wellington, and proceeded to the Channel
This is a case of "a Briton striking home "in the most unprovoked

Bullet for You!
A CONTEMPORARY states that "CAPTAIN BROWNE, late commanding
the GUICOWAR's Horse Artillery, was tried by court-martial and
dismissed the service, not for any dispute with his Colonel, but because
he did not show up at His Highness's ball." This is missing the ball,
and "getting the bullet" with a vengeance.

Which ?
A MODERN German drama has been adopted for the English stage
under the title of Won not Wooed." The principal characters will
be sustained by MR. HERMANN VEZIN and Miss NEILSON. Under these
circumstances we have no hesitation in saying that Ma. VEZIN is most
likely to prove the "one not wood."

A Perennial Winkle.
WE are glad to see that MR. JEFFERsoN is making a triumphant
tour of the United States in the character in which he made such a
Rip-utation in England.

A Question.
THE Nord of Brussels reports a suicide at Vienna, and says that
someone "blew out his brains last night with a pistol." We should
like to have medical testimony on the point, as we have the strongest
doubt whether a man who discharges a pistol at his own head has any
brains to blow out.

WsY is a balloon like silence ?-Because it gives ascent!
A STOCKBROKER is always a good chap to make your share ami.
WHAT would a man have been termed had he predicted "in the
brave days of old" the publication of a halfpenny evening news-
paper ?-A N'-Echo-romancer.

( \' /_____ IGi

ii AU
CLI PC )/--' K I

I^ N





NOVEMBER 13, 1869.]


To all the jolly men I know,
The jolly women also-
To all my friends, both high and low,
That I can truly call so-
To all the set who, knowing me,
Would greet you most politely;
I'd introduce you-but, you see,
I know them very slightly.
I've clung for many years to SMITH,
In fine and cloudy weather ;
I thought that friendship was a myth
Till we were friends together.
A splendid sort of chap is he
To those who judge him rightly ;
I'd introduce you-but, you see,
I know him very slightly.
You'd like our fellows at the club,
Of chaff there's little danger :
They never sneer, they never snub
The unassuming stranger.
You'd soon be friends with two or three,
Suppose you met them nightly ;
I'd introduce you-but, you see,
I know them very slightly.
You'd fall in love with EMnMA Bnow-,
If only once you met her ;
If once you called at Camden Town,
You never could forget her.
As pretty as a girl can be,
And musical, and sprightly ;
I'd introduce you-but, you see,
I know her very slightly.
I wish you knew my UNCLE JACK,
From whom I've expectations ;
In short, I wish you knew the pack
Of my esteemed relations.
I'm pretty sure you'd all agree,
And cling together tightly;
I'd introduce you-but, you see,
I know them very slightly.

A Questionable Statement.
IN Ze Sport we have a description of the wolves in tho'Ardonnes
and on the Pyrenees:-
The bathing stations, when buried under mnow, present a curious aspect. The
inhabitants have abandoned them, the houses are shut up, the wolves roam through
the streets with mournful howls. This spectacle is to be witnessed even at Bag-
ndres de Luchon.
We do not pretend to be infallible, but if we had heard this said of
Ramsgate or Margate we should have at once guessed that the re-
porter was labouring under an error, and mistook the lodging-house
keepers in winter garb for wolves. Such a mistake cannot be
considered an unnatural one.

A Tire-ade.
We are glad to see steam tramways are getting general recogni-
tion :-
The authorities of Glasgow have granted permission to run experimentally, omni-
buses drawn by patent road steamers, with india-rubber tires, through the streets
of their city.
But stay If india-rubber tires, won't it soon be quite worn out ?

A Morris Dance,
THE capers cut by the petitioner in the case of tne DUKE Or
NEWCASTLE's bankruptcy, on hearing the decision of COMMISSIONER

Across the Walnuts.
Has Sherry of a nutty flavour a peculiar tendency to affect the
head ?
A CoFEEs STALL.-Too often, Horse Beans.
A SONG that should have a running accompaniment.-The Hunts-
man's Chorus.
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." Case in point-see
drapers' windows-The Improved Shakespeare collar.
WITH whom are you most frequently placed on rapport? With the

Ir newspaper editors find a difficulty in filling their columns at this
dull time of year, it is their own fault. There is a thrilling paragraph
in the papers, every day, headed Military and Naval Intelligence"
which describes, to a throng of breathless readers, the significant fact
that ENSIGN JONES is stopping with his mamma for three months, or
that the curly little lad in the blue jacket whom you noticed as having
fallen asleep at the SMITHS' juvenile party, is appointed midshipman
to the Ridiculus Mus 2. These paragraphs are constructed with all
the ingenuity of the To be continued in our next school of com-
position, in which the author abruptly quits the subject just when the
reader's nerves are strung to the highest pitch of expectation. Thus
we learn that-
Yesterday a Board of officers, consisting of Col. Clark, 7th Dragoon Guards, CAl.
Andrews, Royal Horse Ariillery, and Capt. A. T. Stewart, 6th Innirkilling Dragoons,
assembled in the officers' mess-room, 7th Dragoon Guards, to I report upon t.he quali-
fications for promotion of Lieut. Thomas Davison, Cornet G. D. F. Sullivan, and
Cornet C. K. Rennell, 15th (King's) Hussars. A similar Board, consisting of C'l.
Dillon, 2d. Battalion Rifle Bligade, Major E. Bowles, 4th Battalion. 60th Itilles, ind
Major Miller, 67th Regiment, assembled in the officers' mess-room of the 2d, lBt-
talion 13th (Prince Albert's) Light Infantry, to report upon the qualifications fior
promotion of Lieuts. E. B. Quirk and B. B. Twyne. The examination in each ca-e
was carried on in accordance with paragraphs 159 to 165 of the Q'(- ''s Ragul.ai-
Here is a forcible bit of picture-writing. We have the Board of
Officers-their names and ranks-the very regiments to which they
belong and the very spot on which they assembled. We liicha thie one
trembling Lieutenant and the two trembling Cornets, blinking under
the eagle eyes of this Rhadamanthine three, and breathlessly we hurry
on to learn their fate. Will COL. MINeS, COL. Acus, and CArT.
RHAI)MAI.NT Ius be merciful, or will the wretched subalterns be rclegatel
once more to dull regulation text books P At this point the author
deserts his subject, and, so to speak, begins a new chapter, and in the
belief that at all events at the end of the story we shall learn the f;:i,,
of the unhappy subalterns, whose fortunes have so deeply interest
us, we prepare to listen to the proceedings of another similar board,"
which assembled in a similar place, to try the qualifications of two
similar subalterns, for similar promotion. So far so good-the trick of
repetition is perhaps unworthy of a skilled romaneist, but the upshot
may perhaps account for it-it may be necessary to the proper
development of the story. But of upshot there is non What
becomes of DAVISON P Where is SULLIVAN ? and how about 1UeNNILL F
are questions that are in everybody's mouth. In the face of the fact
that these vital doubts are still unsolved, it is Ibut a poor satisfaciuon
to learn the exact paragraphs of the Queen's Regulations under which
these examinations were conducted ; because, for anything that app(i ars
to the contrary, they may have been the wrong ono !
The interest that Great Britain takes in the personal history of her
Military and Naval subalterns may reasonably be supposed to (xt nd
to subordinate members of other callings. If newspaper editors are at
a loss for paragraphs, let them open a column for Medical Students'
Intelligence," Utterings from Utter Barristers," "The Moveiments of
our Deacons," "Prospective Arrangements of Attorneys' Clerks." Thi
information that Dresser PERKINS has exchanged his valuable set of
amputating irons for House Surgeon JOHNsoN's silver watch and
chain and three sovereigns, or that B1owN, of the Inner Temple, lii:
consented to hold SMITH'S brief in that robbery-with-violence ease, if
SMITH should happen to be in another court when it is called on, or
that the REV. JOHNs PARSON-, the now curate of Simpleton-super-marr,
has been required by his vicar to engage an older and uglier house-
keeper, are facts in which society will take an interest as it does in
learning that-
The usual furlough season has commenced at Woolwich, and leave of ahbrence
has been granted to a number of officers of the garrison.
Or that-
Ensigns Hickson and Grey, of the 1st Battalion 3d Buffl, stationed w.th deput at
Chatham, have received leave lill the 30th of December.

A Fact for the Festive Board.
THERE can be but little harm in "drinking like a fish so long as
it is borne in mind that fishes have but two gills.


WHEN does a bonnet cease to be a bonnet ?-When it becomes you,
my dear! ______

IMITATION FUR !-At a Drag-hunt.
AGE REFORE HoNESTY.-In some Wine Merchants' Catalogues.
A COCKNEY ONs.-A regular bone of contention:-The aitch bone.
TuOooRAPHICAL definition (may be seen through readily.)-West
Ham-Cremorne Sandwiches.


102 IF U N'... [NOVEMBER 13, 1869.

On, law! And well may you invoke the genius loci when you are
pushed about by crowds of eminent practitioners, as if there were no
law of assault and battery, and an action would not lie when you are
pushed into the gutter by eager barristers in a hurry to get into
Chancery, a destination to which other folks do not hasten so gladly,
and whence they do not return so quickly.
There they go! Barristers in wigs and gowns, and the gentlemen
who "instruct" them-it sounds like teaching weasels to suck raw
eggs-with blue bags. What, you don't know who that is? Did
you never hear of ELI and ELI of Lewis Place ? And that-you don't
know who that is ? Why that is-but go and look in KING'S window
and you will see the cartes de visit of all the legal celebrities-the
window is like the key to a historical picture. All the heads of the
profession have been served up on plates by those Herods the photo-
graphers. You can see the younger members of the bar looking
longingly at MR. CHARLES WATKINS'S show-case further up the Lane,
and wishing they had arrived at photographic fame ;-for when you
have had your carte taken for the public, you have some hopes of
keeping your private carriage.
The Lane is a thoroughfare with strongly-marked characteristics.
Cause and effect are close neighbours :-there are the law courts, and
here are the barred-windows and bolted doors of the sponging houses.
The distance between the two is small indeed.
Look here-here is the only legal matter that can be easily compre-
hended by the uninitiated-you see that board, Chambers of the
Master of the Rolls ? I have no doubt you have often wondered
whether they were French rolls ;-look at that board, and you will
immediately see from its grimy state that the rolls are rolls-in-the-
mud! No wonder that people who get into Chancery are said to
"stick in the mud after that.
If you are wise you will be content to confine your knowledge of
the law to such an acquaintance as you may acquire by frequenting this
narrow way which leadeth to the courts, and studying the faces of the
passers-by. There goes SRRJEANT BLOWOFF, and here comes young
PHEALESS-and that stout man is a bailiff-yes, he is, but you need
not bailife me unless you like. Pardon the vile pun, my young friend,
but you know they never make any good jokes here-except such
practical jokes as dismissing a case with costs."

Come along-let us quit this atmosphere of quiddits and quillets,
cases, tenures, and tricks. Let us exchange the scene of the law's
delay for Fleet-street :-what say you? will you take your Mentor to
the London and stand him a dinner ? So be it-I prefer SAWYER'S to

Our Gazetteer.
THE Prompter's Paradise: Kew.
The Billiard Sharper's Paradise: Poole.
The Spinster's Paradise : Isle of Man.
The Auctioneer's Paradise: Sale (Cheshire).
The Promoter and Director's Paradise : Diddlebury (Shrop-

In-questionable Shape.
IF the Cambria Daily Leader is serious in stating on the 28th ultimo
The fatal accident on the Great Western Railway is adjourned to Monday next,
all we can say is that the Railway Companies are guilty of a
deliberation we never suspected them of, in arranging for the slaugh-
ter of their passengers.

Quite So!
A THEATRICAL paper says:-
The eminent tragedian Mn. will appear shortly at the Theatre.
Our remark as to that is the shorter the appearance of any tragedian
the better, in our opinion.

STRAPPING FELLOWS.-Doctors and Dominies.
THE man to administer a facer to the "gold ring."-Ms.. BOUr-
THE only "rotten concern" in which we care to invest :-A Basket
of Medlars.
DIFFICULT TASK IN THE HOT SEASON.-Keeping one's weather-eye
open, without constantly wetting the other one.
column of the Times.

NovEnBER 13, 1869.] F UJ N 103


E'VE reached a nice
"A^ ~ crisis in Com-
merce and
How long will it
take us to get

And the sole satis-
faction for all,
I'm afraid,
Is to hang a Di-
rector yes,
hang a Direc-

Oh, confidence
will not for
long be re-
So Yet a few years
ago any Bub-
Was certain of
getting to-
gether a
__ "- Board--
So, let's hang a
hang a Direc-
tor !

Our incomes are
Stocked, and
we scarcely
can pay
Our taxes-we tremble to meet the collector.
Till now we were very well off in our way-
So let's hang a Director-yes, hang a Director!
And just at the time when we've nothing to spare,
The railways, confound 'em, have taken to hector;
They have doubled-aye, sometimes have trebled the fare-
So let's hang a Director-yes, hang a Director!
We have pinched, in the hope of insuring our lives,
But the Company proves to a careful inspector
So rotten, 'tis useless to tell us it thrives-
So let's hang a Director-yes, hang a Director !
Directors-aye, guinea-pigs, all of the lot-
Let's make of the tribe, mob, conspiracy, sect, or
Whatever you call 'em examples: why not?
Let us hang a Director-yes, hang a Director!

A vaER particular friend of ours objects to the clever performance
of a certain family at Drury Lane Theatre in the Belles of the Kitchen,
on account of its being Yokes," et prceterea nihil.

Literary Intelligence.
WE are enabled to give unqualified contradiction to the report that
M CHARLES DICKENS intends to bring out a companion to his Cricket
on the Hearth under the title Croquet on the Lawn.

Latest from Chelsea.
WHY is a man who hates writing like one of the inmnatesof Chelsea
Hospital P-Because he is a pen-shunner!

Ex Cathedra.
WHY is a St. Paul's scholar who has adopted the Navy as a profes-
sion like a waterproof covering ?-Because he's a tar Pauline.

DoEs a fox hunter always wear Tally-hosiery!
WHY a wife should be submissive to her husband.- She is his
BE WAtNsn.-Marriage often brings a man's home to a state of

IN Rhyme and Reason, and One by One (ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, Broad-
way) we have two of the prettiest children's books of the season.
When we say that they are illustrated by OscAn PLETSCll and other
German artists, our readers will be able to judge of their excellence.
It is something, indeed, to be able to-place such art in the hands of
our children. The first-named is a collection of juvenile verse, the
second consists of fables and short stories, and both are turned out
with all the luxuries of excellent binding, paper, and type, in the very
best style of the Camden Press.
In .Nursery Numbers (WAxNE, Bedford-street) we have a bright
pleasant book for the younger children, who will be tempted to
learn to count by the capital coloured pictures, in which a pretty and
fanciful mode of teaching the figures is conveyed by some easily-loarnt
The same publishers also issue four more juvenile picture-hooks of
the Aunt Louisa" series, Dick Whittington, Lily Sweetbriar's Birth-
day, Uncle's Farm Yard, and Diamonds and Toads-all pleasantly illus-
trated and readable.

A Hint for Henderson.
THE San Francisco News Letter contains complaints against the
police of that city for pistolling people on suspicion, and not only for
pistolling them but for not doing it well:-
There was never a lot of such poor marksmen known. They almost invariably
miss people who are running to fires and after street cars, and seldom do more than
break the arms or legs of mne who are standing quietly on the corners, or of women
gazing into shop-windows. In the case of the latter, the fault probably lies in the
haste of the officer, who usually fires before he gets a good shot, when it is just as
easy to approach and stick his pistol under the bonnet. Some allowance must of
course be made for excitement, and more for the timidity which impels the officer to
break around the corner before the trigger is fairly drawn.
We trust the amusing journal we quote is not taken in at Scotland-
yard, or we may have COLONEL HENDERSON revolving in his miad the
propriety of revolvers for the force.

For Notes and Queries.
IT is a curious fact that the British Waterman when plying for a
fare used to call out Here you i !" The Greek Ferryman of course
always had a A in his boat.

A CELEBRATED antiquary whilo searching in the Fleet river for Roman
relics, turned up his nose. It is said that he will present it to the British

gsittrs to 6(o1riospa0thtii.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and wo do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
MERJA (Moseley).-We cannot make out the meaning of your note.
H.-We have cast our eye over the lines. We can't scan them.
Vox PoPruL-We should recommend you, instead of reading the poets
when the lamp burns dimley," to turn your attention to the spelling-book
-you seem under a spell! The lines which you say wore written by the
spirit of a departed poet doubtless belong to the invisible world- it is im-
possible to scan them! It is a pity the habit of correct quotation was not
among those you contracted when at College"-" et stetirtntque ?
ONE who does not consider himself a goose (Cambridge).-You are sure
of the monopoly of that opinion, whatever its worth.
TnADDLES.-Some of your lines are capital, but then they are the red
ink lines ruled between the verses.
H. W.-Be happy-one of your contributions is accepted.
E. S. (Somerset House).-Too late in the day.
ILrOnRD.-Surely you mean Rum-ford, you send us such a queer
HIGH TIDE.-Then don't do it again. Your apology is accepted.
CHor.-In spite of the masculine hand, we guess you to bo a miss -
Q. E. D.-If you do purchase the book, you will see that you are utterly
wrong in your notion of what constitutes a polysyllabic rhyme.
W. T. (Ryde).-See last answer; yet you were nearly right, if you could
but have left it alone.
BEN L.-Thanks for suggestion.
Declined with thanks:- Trojan Horse; F. L.; W. C., Kingsland; B.
Dunce; J. W.,York; F., R. M. A., Woolwich; Non-Swearing German
A. B., Romsey; Adolphus; Subscriber from the First; C. A. V. ; Black-
wall; S. D.; E.B., New Burlington-street; J. T. ; W. ., Gloucester-road
J. R. ; W. H.; Polly G. G.; A. P., Kidderminster; W. E. ; Embowed
Eld; S.; H., West Cononia ; Jibber; D. F., Kingsland; T. L. W., Liver-
pool; V. V.; Peppery Party; M., Leeds; N. N. N.; S., Liverpool; Niddle
Noddle; Nursery Rhymester; P. W., Broughton; Curlius; The Boy's
Aunt; Null :.Fil: ; A Stinger.

104 *F --J N [NOVEMBER 13, 1869.


CHATS ABOUT MAGS. Wool he be Worsted?
NOVEMBER. A "WELL-KNOWN alderman is reported to be one of the candidates for
Tinsley's is a good number this month. We regret that the indis- the seat vacated by Ms. LAYARD. We rather think, however, that the
position of the authoress compels the suspension of Austin Friars electors of Southwark will be deaf to his entreaties, and will not let
for a time, but the magazine gains by the greater scope afforded for him stuff COTTON into the ears to set their brains wool-gathering.
Belgravia is not up to its usual mark in the pictorial department.
If we are to judge from the cut to "Do you know this ?" of the NOTICE.-Nov. 15, with Numerous Illustrations, price One shilling,
illustrations of Miss Xilmansegg advertised as by the same hand, all Tom Hood's Comic Annual for 1870,
we can say is we are sorry for Miss K.! The literary contents are
hardly as brisk as they generally are. Containing Contributions, artistic and literary, by T. Archer, F. Barnard
In the Cornhill the hero of MR. READE'S story is becoming rapidly E. C. Barnes, M. Browne, W. G. R. Browne, F. F. Broderip, W.
spoilt-by turning swell. A paper on Hara-Kiri is interesting. The Brunton, E. Capern, C. S. Cheltnam, H. S. Clarke, D. Cook, E. Draper,
other contents are much the same as usual-just a bit dry perhaps. L. H. F. Du Terreaux, W. S. Gilbert, L. C. Henley, E. H. Jones,
London Society is possibly keeping its best artists back for the H. S. Leigh, A. Locker, W. J. Prowse, W. Reynolds, T. Robbins, H.
Christmas number. One picture-to some pleasant lines, "Phases Sandercock, W. Sawyer, C. W. Scott, J. Scott, A. Sketchley, M.
of London Society "- is very weak. The literary contents are light Stretch, J. A. Sterry, J. G. Thomson, W. Thornbury, G. Turner, W.
and entertaining as ever, and we are promised a new novel next J. Wiegand, the Author of Lilliput Levee," and Tom Hood.
We have also received this month's number of the always interest-
ing Scientific Opinion; of The Young Lady's Journal, a sheer miracle Also, Now Ready, sixteen pages, toned paper, Profusely Illustrated,
as regards both quantity and quality; Science Gossip, with some price Twopence,
admirable engravings; The Naturalist's Note-book; The Westminster FUN ALMANA C.
Papers; The Carlow College Magazine; The Elizabethan ; and The
Shipwrecked Mariner, a publication which pleads a good cause, and *** The number of FUN containing the Cartoon, entitled Oh, Stay !"
should be supported by all Englishmen. has been reprinted, and is now on sale.

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Priee
List of their Furmture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD a GLASS, Fhoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Nov. 13, 1869.

NOVEMBER 20, 1869.]

Ub' UN.


(A Transpontine Bcmanee.)
HE sun was setting in its wonted west,
When HONGREE, Sub Lieutenant of
) Chassoores,
Met MARRY DAUBIGNY, the Village Rose,
Under the Wizard's Oak- old trysting place
Of those who loved in rosy Aquitaine.
They thought themselves unwatched, but
they were not;
For HONGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chas-
A rival, envious and unscrupulous,
Who thought it not foul scorn to dodge his
And listen, unperceived, to all that passed
Between the simple little Village Rose
And HONOREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chas-
A clumsy barrack-bully was Dunose,
Quite unfamiliar with the well-bred tact
That animates a proper gentleman
In dealing with a girl of humble rank.
You'll understand his coarseness when I say
He would have married MARRY DAumoINY,
And dragged the unsophisticated girl
Into the whirl of fashionable life,
For which her singularly rustic ways
Her breeding (moral but extremely rude),
Her language (chaste but ungrammatical),
Would absolutely have unfitted her.
How different to this unreflecting boor
Was HONGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores !
Contemporary with the incident
Related in our opening paragraph,
Was that sad war 'twizt Gallia and ourselves
That followed on the treaty signed at Troyes;
(Brave soldier, he, with all his faults of style),
And HONOREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores,
Were sent by CHARLES of France against the lines
Of our Sixth HENRY (fourteen twenty-nine),
To drive his legions out of Aquitaine.
When HONGREP, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores,
Returned-suspecting nothing -to his camp,
After his meeting with the Village Rose,
He found inside his barrack letter-box
A note from the commanding officer,
Requiring his attendance at head-quarters.
He went, and found LIEV-
"Young HONGREF, Sub-Lieu-
tenant of Chassoores,
This night we shall attack the
English camp,
Be the forlorn hope' yours-
you'll lead it, sir,
And lead it, too, with credit, I've
no doubt,"
(These last words with a cruelly
obvious sneer),
"As every man must certainly
be killed
(For you are twenty againstt two
thousand men),
It is not likely that you will
But what of that ? you'll have
the benefit
Of knowing that you die a sol-
dier's death." ?,
Obedience was young HoNoi EE's strongest point,
But he imagined that he only owel

Allegiance to his MAIRY and his king.
"If MAHRY bad-e me lead these fated men,
I'd lead them-but I do not think she would.
If CHARLES, my king, said Go, my son, and die,'
I'd go, of course-my duty would be clear.
But MARRY is in bed asleep, I hope,
And CHARLES, my king, three hundred leagues from this:
How know I that our monarch would approve
The order he has given me to-night ?
My king I've sworn in all things to obey-
I'll only take my orders from my king !"
Thus HONGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores,
Interpreted the terms of his commission.
And HONGREE, who was wise as
he was good,
Disguised himself that night in
ample cloak,
Round flapping hat, and vizor
mask of black,
And made, unnoticed, for the
English camp.
He passed the unsuspecting
(Who little thought a man in
this disguise
Could be a proper object of sus-
And ere the curfew bell had
boomed lights out,"
He found in audience, Bedford's --
haughty Duke.
"Your Grace," he said, "start not-be not alarmed,
Although a Frenchman stands before your eyes.
I'm HONOREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores.
My colonel will attack your camp to-night,
And orders me to lead the hope forlorn.
Now I am sure our excellent KINo CHARLES
Would not approve of this-but he's away
A hundred leagues, and rather more than that-
So, utterly devoted to my king,
Blinded by attachment to the throne-
And having but its interest at heart,
I feel it is my duty to disclose
All schemes that emanate from COLONEL JOOLes,
If I believe that they are not the kind
Of schemes that our good Monarch could approve."
"But how," said Bedford's Duke, do you proposo
That we should overthrow your Colonel's scheme ?'
And HONOREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores,
Replied at once with never-failing tact-
Oh, sir, I know this cursed country well,
Entrust yourself and all your host to me,
I'll lead you safely by a secret path
Into the heart of COLONEL JOOLES' array,
And you can then attack them unprepared,
And slay my fellow countrymen unarmed.
The thing was done. The DUKE or BEDFORD gave
The order, and two thousand fighting men
Crept silently into the Gallic camp,
And slew the Frenchmen as they lay asleep,
And Bedford's haughty Duke slew COLONEL JOOLES,
And married MAIRY, pride of Aquitaine,
To HONGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores.

WHAT is the form of an escaped parrot ? A Polly-gone.





[NovEMEia 20, 1869.



i .

Worry probable.
A PAcx of fox hounds, a country paper relates, bolted the other day
into the shop of a Pontypridd grocer, and seized a seven pound parcel
of tallow candles, which they "worried" and devoured before the
huntsman could beat them off. Note the sagacity of the dogs! not
for them the precious stuff sold now-a-days as butter, they preferred

Better Pay him than the Doctor.
PATERFAMILIAS, glancing over his butcher's bill, wonders when his
youngsters will have finished teething."

WHERE does a biting wind blow from ? Gnawr!
Where does a squall come from ? Sow !

A BAD INVESTMENT.-The Shoemakers' Stocks.
A STIRRING ADVENTURE.-Brewing a bowl of punch.
HAPPY DAYS FOR PAUPERS.-When their toke is of bullocks."
BELL-ICOSE.-Useful exercise for volunteers: "Camp "-a-know-
ledge-eh ?
WHY is a Haunted House like a Clock ? Because it's a horror-
EN-FIELD TO WIT.-What the Birmingham gun trade wants-a fair
field, and no favour.
BAIROWED FROM THE COSTERs.-What are ghe shipping charges on
apples ? A penny freight.
How You MAY JEW YOUR LANDLORD.-Let three quarters' rent run
on, and then tell him you have a leash of the pramishes.

.FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, November 17th, 1,869.
MORE complete success than the Queen's visit to the City
could not have been. Cloudless weather and an imposing
ceremony gone through without any failure may count for
much: but it was the popular and unofficial demonstration
that was the great event of the day. Such a spontaneous and hearty.
reception as greeted Her Majesty's first appearance for many years
among her faithful people, silences completely the doubts of those who
believed her prolonged absence might weaken English loyalty. It is
to be hoped that now she sees the genuine pleasure 'her presence
among them gives to her subjects, the Queen will give them many
opportunities of seeing her. ,
Some apprehension was felt, in consequence of a so-called Fenian
proclamation posted in various places by some malevolent or idiotic
person,, that an attempt would be made on the Queen's life. Her
Majesty, however, with the courage she has always displayed, came
fearlessly in an open carriage at almost foot-pace. She knew she was
safe among her people. They were her real Life-Guards; and had
any madman ventured to attempt to injure her, his life would have
fallen a sacrifice to the just indignation of the populace.
The cheering crowd that lined the streets on that memorable Satur-
day set its foot on disaffection and stamped out treason.

THE contest between the railways and the public seems drawing to
a close, and victory declares for the latter. In answer to a letter on
the subject, the chairman of the London and Brighton has stated that
with the beginning of the year there will be a reduction of the
suburban-traffic fares. This, of course, means that all the companies
in the Southern Confederation will lower their prices, and renounce-
it is to be hoped for ever-a. policy which has been injurious to them
as it has been unjust to the public.
It is only right that on MR. LAINSe, the chief instigator of the in-
crease, should devolve the duty of announcing the reduction. No
doubt experience has proved by the stern logic of pounds shillings and-
pence that prohibitive fares do not increase traffic receipts. But it is
impossible to avoid asking, whether Ms. LAING and SmIR EDWARD
WATKIN have not had reason to attribute their exclusion from Parlia-
ment since last election to the unpopularity their railway policy earned
for them ? If so, they may rest assured that their return to a liberal
railway policy will conduce to their return by Liberal constituencies,
for the English people is a forgiving race.

The Full Meaning of the Word!
WHEN penny-a-liners say that charity children are
penny buns, does it.mean that they have a blow-out ?

re-galed on

IT is proposed that in future the ladies shall have a congress of
their own, to be called The Sew-shall Ladies Congress."

ILLEGAL PHA-RAcY.-Compounding a felony.
THE Chief of the Darkies on.Doncaster Race-course.-The Town
laughed at-from the Stubble to the Platter.

Two words that mean sad suffering and pain,
A great reproach in this a Christian land;
Oh! that the guardians knew how great the gain
A Of Charity that flows from open hand.

1. The dearest hopes of all his life
Were centered in it;
And he might lose or win a wife
All in a minute.
2. A place with a parsonage, such a queer name
Of a book by advertisement well known to fame.
3. If she was this,
And worth a kiss,
'Twas scarcely this
To rob the miss.
4. To be with pain and work oppress'd,
To be aweary and distrest.
5. A squire who lived through many a stanza
As famous as old SANCHO PANZA.
6. I fancy they would call this so
In French of Stratford-atte-Bow.
7. This scarcely means in modern speech
The dedication it would teach.
8. Oft sought, oft squandered, oft neglected,
Yet very seldom quite rejected.
9. In married life a quarrel will reveal it,
But not till then do spooney lovers feel it.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 139.-Layard, Ayrton: La, Ally, Yal-
ler, Alight, Rodrigo, Don.
CoaRcT SOLuTIONS OF ACROSTIC. No. 139, REcEIVED, 10th Nov.:-Dead
Pansy; Hector; Tom and Jim; Timothy & Co; J. 0. P.; Lochinch; B. P. R. ;
Diggory Dibble; Lizzie J.

Open Columns.
WE regret to hear reports of a very serious "clack-tar" affecting
the stability of the supports of the Holborn Viaduct. If the columns
are cracked the whole structure must be a little crazy. Let us hope
the pillars of the Constitution are more sound than the constitution
of the pillars. We trust we shall hear before long that the difficulty
-like Holborn Valley- is to be got over.

A rnoVINCIAL paper states-though with evident doubt as to the re-
ception of its assertion-that the child with which MRS. CHUMP pre-
sented her husband, our well known fellow-townsman and butcher,
proves-strange to say-to be a chopping boy." Strange precaution of
nature to endow so young a creature with the instinct needed to sup-
port its existence.

Shutting them up.
THE momentous deliberations of the Court of Common Council have
been conducted on one or two recent occasions with closed doors. We
should be glad to see a little more disposition shown to get through
Municipal business with closed-cupboard-doors.

Drop it !
THE English Riflemen carried off nearly all the long range prizes at
the recent competition at Liege. We hope. that Belgium's grief at
this defeat will not be great enough to make her drop the National




-.7' -1






7 'f ^ i-ip

r. v p

No rxBarE 20, 1869.]

F U N.

OcHONE and wiristhru,
For the fatal philaloo
B'tu t the bould O'DONOGHuE and MlISTHER G. H. MOORE!
Have yez heard about the pother
How they both shot one another,
In a sanguinary struggle on the Bull-ong shore ?
The O'DoNOGHuE, bedad,
'Tis he that is the lad!
Och, 'twas BOBBY PEEL he challenged last to fight, begor!
'Twas himself thin, so to spake,
That smacked MOOE1 upon the chake,
Which indooced him to the meeting' on the Bull-ong shore.
The O'DoNoGHUE, sez he,
Forninst me I can see
There's orators as fustian love to spout galore."
Sez MOORE, It's me you mane-
The deduction's mighty plain."
'ITwas that as caused the jool all on the Bull-ong shore.
So, sez MoonE, "Ye spalpeen, you-
Ye'z called THE 0 DONOGHUE,
Though divvle a one o' me can tell yez what it's for-
Faix, 'tis nothing but a flam-
I as much the Rajah am
Of far Sering-gap-a-tam on the Bull-ong shore !
Then the Chieftain of the Glens
A fiery challenge pens,
'Tis an insult that can only be wiped, out with gore;
So there the hero stud
A-ragin' for the blood
Of the other injured patriot on theBull-ong shore.
MISTHER MOORE, the darlin' duck,
His pen in answer tuk,
Defiance back again like any 1'ine to roar,
"Bedad," sez he, "I'm there,
So we'll settle the affair
And exterminate each other on the Bull-ong shore."
Then their seconds they was sint
Their friends to reprisint-
Ye'd have thought they foightin' mint- and nothing' less or more;
But each was seized wid fear
As soon as it was clear
They'd a decent chance of matin' on the Bull-ong shore.
The O'DoNooHuE, sez he,
Faith, it's jokin' you must be-
Sure, I love yez like a brother, ye noble orat-or."
And Mooun replied, "Hurroo !
Let's embrace and sthrife eschew on the Bull-oag shore."
'Twas thus these heroes bould
Our expectations should,
Abandoning their vows to shed each other's gore.
For, ye see, one didn't dare,
And t'other didn't care,
For a sanguinary ruction on the Bull-ong shore.,
So let us drink unto
The bould O'DONOGHTJE,
And Erin's gallant champion, MISTHER G. H. MOORE.
May their glory never cease
Till they have to swear the peace
'Gainst each other and all patriots on the Bull-ong shore!

A Fishy One.
WHY isn't a closely contested boat-race like a cod's head and
shoulders ?-Why, don't you see, it must be much more like a herring
when it is hard-rowed!

At the Double.
SHOULD not an infantry Lieutenant be styled a Corn-et when he is in
the foot, in a marching regiment ?

To COBBLERS WHO SPOUT.-Wax eloquent.
THE Best (T)issue paper :-Bank of England notes.
OPERATIONS of the Gold-Ring:-Marriages. (N.B. This does not
hold good in United States.)

Temple Bar is an interesting number this month. The Poetry of
the Period is so-called spiritual poetry, which is amusing. Aunt
Sally's Account of the Tidal Wave" is weak. "Mademoiselle
Scuderi" is powerful.
In the Argosy we have a better picture than usual. "Johnny
Ludlow finishes up his "stud story" well. Altogether it is a good
average number.
Once a Week contains a readable variety of articles. The illustra-
tions are susceptible of improvement, but taken as a whole the
number is as good as it is cheap.
THE St. James's contains an appreciative biography of the late Loan
DEBaBY, with a portrait. Cabinet Photographs" is continued, and so
is the series of "Clerical Celebrities "- perhaps on the whole some-
what too much of biographical matter. The illustration of Too
Late," is a most extraordinary one.
Our Young Folks, among other excellent articles, contains a capital
report of "The Doll's Regatta," written in the very vein of fun for
the little ones. "Little Barbara" is a very affecting sketch.
The Atlantic Monthly has an exquisite poem entitled "In Memo-
riam." "Our Phil" is interestingly told, and "A Dredging
Expedition" makes one sigh for such a day on the Gulf Stream.
"The Brick Moon" is a wonderful story.
We must say a word for a new venture, The Gentlemai's .hmrnal, the
first number of which is the. biggest nine-penn'orth-and the best-wo
ever saw. The chromolithograph of Hunting the Tiger" is very
good. The literary contents are wholesome reading too, which we
cannot say for most publications for boys.

Letter from Let-in.
I' you do not see what you require in the window, ask for it.
SIa,-Attracted by the above announcement in the window of what
appeared to be a respectable ironmonger's shop, I recently entered the
establishment and stated my modest requirements, viz., a glass of bitter,
cheese and biscuit. Nothing but a speedy exit saved me from a well-
intended boiw with a bronze fender, rather a nasty weapon. Let this
be a warning from one who has been. TAKEN Ix.

None of your Source.
TE Ga'C t Journal says:-
It is very pleasing, to hear of the safety of Dr. Livingstone. He writes to any
tatIss has- founadtha Eource of the Nile. We hope he. will return with it Ehortly
to Eaglsela.
We hop e won't. That is to sy, we hope the DoeCtr Taii shrtly
Return to. Englnd, but we hope he will not bring the source of the
Nile with him;,; fir we are now getting into a time of the yeaw- when
wel shall not be in any want of water. If, however, the Doctor decides
to bring it with him we; hope se will first take the precaution to clear
it of crocodiles, for they are a species of wildfowl" not very popular
*with Eng~smen.

Lex Tallajas.
A GERMAN-sAusAGE-MAXKB wa tried at Lambeth the other day for
'killing one of his workmen.. Be quasmelled with him, knocked him
down, and then, lifting himn p flianghim into a copper cosntaiiinigAtty-
five gallons of scalding ho water,, which of course tilbd llim The
brute should be punished by the law of retaliation,, aand taugl*twAvit
is to boil" ith something else than rage.

WE observe that at the Hammersmith Police Court MR. DAYMAN is
often called upon to hear "night charges."

EACH succeeding mail confirms the fact, at first received with in-
credulity, that at the Cape spadep turn up diamonds.

POSITIVE-a guinea fee. Comparative-a sovereign remedy.
Superlative-advice gratis.

A SOUNDING-BOARD :-The Board of Trade.
WHAT celebrated divine do a donkey's panniers resemble ?-The
Wicar of Bray!
"FINE FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS."-Not always-the "Bunt-
ings are sober-coated.

112 F U N 'N [NOVEMBER 20, 1869.

-\ "Comin' versus Income.
.-- A SAN FRAwcisco paper states that "in
Virginia City, Nevada, pretty waiter-girls
are taxed." The pretty waiters taxed for
1 ~their pleasing traits might suggest a very
popular impost to MR. LOWE. Taking all
females who are be-coming-ly attired as
waiters, he might by introducing the tax in
this country induce all who had pretensions
to good looks to insist on being taxed-it
would be a voluntary female poll (or should we
say "chignon ?") tax.

H Dis-gas-ting!
0 THE gas in our district is so bad that it is
if positively incorrigible. Will it be believed ?
..-it positively went out without our leave the
other evening, and we never noticed its ab-
sence though we had lit two or three candles
in order to see whether it was properly
lighted at the beginning of the evening. We
guess, the gas-o'-meter must be almost as
irregular as the metre of WALT WHITMAN--
anyhow, its contents are quite as obscure.

A Strange Fatality.
A POOR fellow who went to see the Lord
Mayor's show the other day got much
knocked about in the crowd, and positively
lost his head. Some kind-hearted Irish
bystanders, who saw the accident, took him
home with the intention of breaking his head
I gently to his family, but the latter fortunately
did not observe the loss. According to the
-latest reports he is progressing.

A Curious Fact.
TRUTH is stranger than fiction. A gentle-
man in our neighbourhood astonished at the
backwardness of his potato crop, had the
ground examined by a most experienced
judge. It was discovered that the potatoes
were short-sighted and couldn't see their way
through the soil. After dressing the ground
with a liberal supply of spectacles, our friend
was rewarded by seeing the tubers growing
like winkihg.

Shocking Inhumanity.
ON Saturday last we hear that an eminent
medical practitioner while crossing the
Thames at Blackfriars fell in with a friend.
Although the bridge was crowded at the time
by what we fear we can only call fiends in
human shape, no notice was taken of the
occurrence. The two sufferers proceeded
together to the nearest tavern and liquored
Similia Similibus.
THE Life Guards who assisted at the
A NEW VIEW OF VESTMENTS. opening of the Bridge and Viaduet wereall
(picked men. The pockets of a good many of
( FA C T.) /the spectators were in the same predicament.

THE LOST ONE. The hours of thine absence, oh, how can I count,
Save as CRUSOE his days used to notch?
I HAvE gazed on thy face with the truest delights- Thou art gone-though rewards up to any amount
How oft have I gazed there for hours! I have offered for thee, Punctuality's fount,-
But, alas, now for aye thou hast taken thy flight! For some rascal has stol'n thee, my watch!
Time may pass all unheeded by me, for a blight
Has shattered my reasoning powers. Etiquette.
No more shall those slender and delicate hands OFTE disguised in liquor.-The Morella Cherry.
Be watched with attention by me;
For thou'rt wandering perchance now in far-distant lands,
They no longer may point to me duty's demands A NoD'S AS nOOn AS, &c.-What mollusc should the fair sex shun?
Which I once so delighted to see. (But they won't),-' If inks !



th:e veloci-
But here's the
chap, say I,
for speed!
What a very
strange run-
I ning that is
of his nose!
For speed,

Is regarded with wonder wherever he goes;
And he's always prepared heavy wagers to lay-

Here he is in the act,
By which his own nose he has constantly backed!
iTo a very baed cold the de velopme ent owes.
'Twas a coldin his head to begin with, ofcourse,
But ended in making him funnily ho(a)rse.
The gang,
With the emusic-hall twang
Describe as "a snorter" thisu steed in their slang!
With collectors of taxes comes often to blows.
For they are desirous to tax his proboscis,
And he says "they knows that his nose not a hoss is."
The youth

With his nose gets ahead very fast, you'll suppose.
For that organ, as you may perceive from the crook, it
Is greatly of use when he wishes to s hook it. "
Oh, yes!

Like this capital 8,
These lines are "the tale of a nose," you'll confess!

Strange Ind-kneed!
CONSIDERABLE excitement should be felt in surgical and anatomical
circles on account of a case in the Bankruptcy Court the other day
when it was proved that one KwNEE was up to his neck in difficulties.

ON special occasions we believe that the Chief Commissioner of
Police calls out the reserve of the force. Too many flagrant cases
lead us to infer that this must be-not in the x division only-an un-
known quantity. _______
WE rarely see a bicycle rider without feeling assured that he will
be better of." ________
WHEN the value of a joke entirely depends on the sound, it is per-
haps as well not to crack it.

Sic itur ad dis-astera.-JoHN GILPIN'S Ride.

113 1

IT is not everyone who wears a kilt that is a Scotchman, especially
on the stage, where the native of Caledonia generally confounds the
Doric twang with an Irish brogue, and may be said in the matter of
costume to be "kilt entirely." Even those of us who have been
fortunate enough to attend a London Highland celebration, and yell
incoherent health with a foot on the table, or with a "richt good
wallie waught," and have learned all about "haggis and cookie
leekie," and bannocks and gigots" and tappit hens," and think
ourselves sonsie lassies," or "pawkie chiels,"-have only a vague
notion of what real Scottish talk is like. We read BURNs with a
glossary and confound him with the Skalds; and even the gentle
shepherd seems to have a crook in his speech. What then must have
been the feelings of a whole lecture hall fall of ladies and gentlemen
who met at the City of London College, in Leadenhall-streoet, to hear
Mu. CHARLES FERRIER read extracts from the humorous and pathetic
poetry of his native heath P Well, the curious part of it was that, as
he read even TAx o'SHANTER neither in stage Highlandish nor in
Cockney Gaelic, they liked it so much as to rise to real enthusiasm,
and henceforward we shall perhaps be able to have a nicht wi'
BURNS," without its being followed by a morning with aches ; at all
events, we should advise anybody who wishes to hear the Immortal
exciseman born beyond the Tweed," well interpreted by being well
read, to look out for Mu. FaE ERn'S next reading.

Like a Shot !
A CONTEMPORARY, in discussing pauperism the other day, came out
rather strong. It recommended that:-
The really destitute-(we admit the politico-economical difficulty) -should have
work to do, and wages in return; the recalcitrant sturdy b ggar, pur et simple,
should be shot out of hand as a pest to society, and a foe to the common weal.
We hope, in the interest of humanity, that when our friend recom-
mended sturdy beggars to be shot" out of hand, the shooting was
only intended in the sense in which other rubbish is shot."

Paving the Way.
LONDON lately in some parts anticipated the welcome presence of
Royalty. Oxford Street for many days past had been looking up."

A Tale of Tubbs.
WHAT a graphic volume would it be if Marylebone's relieving
officer were to publish his experiences of "the short and simple annals
of the poor."

5 bmite s ta rrniloxbfnxf.

[ W cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.0-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do n t hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
3. K. (Harlow).-If we were to discuss poor FREEMAN'S platitudes, we
should be really laying ourselves open to one of his charges against current
literature-that it spreads abroad a parcel of rubbish," by retailing his
F. C. S. S. (Exeter).-If you read FUN you would know better.
NEPTUNE.- Quite at sea this time.
PRESUMPTUOUS Acis" (Barrow-in-Furness).-We wish you (and
other presumptuous Aces-wo hope that plural is correct) would consume
your own smoke. This is the epigram our office-buy wro:e on your
envelope. Rubbish not to be shot here.
In your barrow in furnace had you to be burned
Consigned your MS., you our thanks would have earned. i
T. B.-You must be legible before you can be eligible.
NrPTUNE.-We are flattered by your encomiums. But .we must decline
the verses as a question of manner not matter.
C. J. T. (Sherborne).-Much too late in the day.
E. G. (Chelsea).-The drawing would pass-the joke won't.
EGOMET.-We can see no fun in your contribution-but you can have
your revenge by not seeing your contribution in FUN.
J. J. M. (Abergavenny).-If y)u require the return of the sketch, why
don't you attend to our rule, and send a stamped address ed envelope ?'
E. J. M.-Please not to send other matter with your Acrostic answers.
Declined with thanks.
Declined with thanks:-W. C., Kingsland; J. D., Jewin-crescent;
L. L.; Maxwellton; Observer; II. R. K., Harrow; J. G. P., St Jamos's;
H. H. C., Dublin; F. D., Hackney; J. F. L., Bridgenorth; J. T.,
Brixfon; Corrander; B.; Anonymous Ass; My Aunt; F., Dalston; T. B.,
Liverpool; R. S.; AnotherNoodle; Curio; 0. R J. C, Aylesford; J. B. C.,
Liverpool; 0. C.; Gilbert, Newcastle-on-Tyne; F. 0.; D. J. F.; G., St.
Ives; E. T.; J. H. T., Bridgend; R. W. B. J., Bow; N. A. M Glasgow;
Jones; J. B., Forest Gate; R. W., Paragon-road; J. H. F., Charrington-
street; J. H. P. ; R., Poland street; Incipient Punster; P., Athenoy.

Nov mnan 20, 1869.]


[NOvEMBER 20, 1869.


THE ROYAL VISIT TO THE CITY. to merest scums from London slums. But one and all, both great
and small, they shout and bawl, and welcome call.
By oUR MOON-STRUCK REPORTER. And lo, 'tis she, Her Majesty! Come, three times three In every
key let us agree to shout till we so hoarse shall be, a bo'sun, he who
A LOVELY day Both sides the way, the streets are gay, with grand roars at sea, might sing a glee, (say up to G.) along o' we.
display of flagp. Hooray! The people, they along them stray, or God save the Queen! Long life, serene and evergreen, be hers to
patient stay, despite delay, for they essay to see to-day, with glad glean, whose gentle mien with pleasure keen we all have seen.
survey, VicrORIA, whose gentle sway we all obey. Hoozay! And now it's time to cease to climb Parnassus. I'm, unlucky mime,
Hoozay! The trumpets bray. Hats off, I pray as in bird-lime or some such slime, stuck fast for rhyme for this
Here comes the Mayor, I do declare! His head is bare; with sublime prime chime!
graceful air, bows here and there, he lets us share. And look, too,
where a lady fair, with jewelled hair, so debonnair, sits by him.
Blare of trumpets, glare of banners ne'er her heart can scare, as they NOTICE.-Now Ready, with Numerous Illustrations, price Is.,
repair through street and square and thoroughfare, where folks, I dare r
assert or swear, on bench and chair, will cheer and stare. Tom Hood's Comic Annual for 1870,
Oh, look at that old party fat! Just twig his hat! With skins of Containing Contributions, artistic and literary, by T. Archer, F. Barnard,
cat 'tis bound, that's flat. Or if not fur, as I aver (perchance I err), E. C. Barnes, M. Browne, W. G. R. Browne, F. F. Broderip, W.
his porringer is feathered, sir His character we all concur in guess- Brunton, E. Capern, 0. S. Cheltnam, H. S. Clarke, D. Cook, E. Draper,
ing-per programme-as spur of memory's stir to London-her, if L. H. F. Du Terreaux, W. S. Gilbert, L. C. Henley, E. H. Jones,
you prefer, Remembrancer. H. S. Leigh, A. Locker, W. J. Prowse, W. Reynolds, T. Robbins, H.
And now, hurroo!-in order due, by two and two, like heroes true, Sandercock, W. Sawyer, C. W. Scott, J. Scott, A. Sketchley, M.
the Horseguards (who are red not blue), delight our view, their coats Stretch, J. A. Sterry, J. G. Thomson, W. Thornbury, G. Turner, W.
look new, "their swords is drew," prepared a few to hack and hew or j. Wiegand, the Author of "Lilliput Levee," and Tom Hood.
run you through, which you would rue. Now bid adieu to retinue- let
them pursue their route while you-though you eschew a loud shaloo,
with much ado bid welcome to the Queen. Hurroo! dAlso, Now Ready, sixteen pages, toned paper, Profusely Illustrated,
Yes! Here she comes! I hear the drums, and louder hums price Twopence,
from countless sums of swells and chums -from men worth plums F U N ALMANA C.

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state tha', having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-atreet, E.C.-London : Nov. 20, 1869.

BU tN,

NovEMBER 27, 1869.]

By out SProrTINoG RPOnTER.
THE Great Viaduct fixture was inaugurated on Monday the 8th
instant. It produced eight runners, and came off at eight o'clock
There was a large crowd of visitors, but little or no betting, though
I observed a select body of backers, with short clay-pipes lounging
about near the starting post.
The weather was particularly fine and the course in good order.
THE HAxsom STAKES, of Sixpence a Mile, and Sixpence the extra
person. Children to be paid for. One mile.
Ma. WOLDRAMi'S Sixteen-forty-one . (Jarvey) 1
Ma. NEGRETTI's Hansom-is-as-Hansom-does (Cabby) 2
Ma. STAMP'S Growler . . (Driver) 3
Ma. WRIGHT's Keb . . (Whip) 4
Ma. SoyMoun's 'Ansum . . .. (Hi) 0
Ma. NEoGRTTI, Jun.'s Nought-one-seven-two (G. Woh) 0
Ma. A. WHEATSrTONE' Hoss-and-Hansom (G. Hugh) 0
MR. BuoN's 'Ospitaller . (Coachey) 0
The moment the flag fell they all got away well together. Growler
made play with 'Ospitaller in close attendance. Hansom-is-as-
Hansom-does managed to get by them, and rushed to the front,
followed by Nought-one-seven-two and Keb. Half-way over the
course Growler dropped back, and joined Hoss-and-Hansom which
had never been in the running. At this point Sixteen-forty-one
began to creep up, keeping close to the right hand side. On nearing
the stand Nought-one-seven-two drew across the course, which drove
Keb and 'Ansum out of their track, and allowed Growler to pick up
lost ground. A few yards from the post, Sixteen-forty-one went to
the front and without ever being headed won in a canter by a length.
Hansom-is-as-Hansom-does ended two lengths in front of Growler,
Keb fourth, and 'Ansum next. 'Ospitaller came in last dead lame.
Later in the day there was some good racing between the Bays-
water, Paddington and Kilburn 'buses. The Islington 'bus was the
favourite, but the City Atlas was well supported.
I am sorry to have to record that the proceedings did not terminate
without the circulation of some ominous reports. The unfortunate
manner in which the names of some of our nobility have been mixed

- C ,

up with racing transactions will preclude any surprise at the
announcement that when the Viaduct settlement came off, several
piers were stated to be cracked up.

DEAU Bee, your industry unique
Provokes me to admire you;
I scarcely work one day a week,
How seven days' work must tire you!
And yet to our Established Church
You seem a foe obdurate,
You leave Religion in the lurch,
And slave like any curate.
Beware! for while you thus extract
Your gold from Flora's digging's,
You might provoke by such an act
The rancour of a Stiggins.
Besides, your labour might suggest
To unbelieving BRADLAUGHIS,
That laws which Sunday trade arrest
Must be unjust and bad laws.
You wouldn't wish to propagate
Such sad immoral teaching,
And make each naughty reprobate
Deride our solemn teaching ?
'Twere better far to stay at home
And give to leisure one day;
To feast within your straw-built dome,
And work again on Monday.
Go, quaff from waxen cups thy fill,
Industrious flower-inspector!
No grudging Sunday Liquor Bill
Can rob you of your nectar.

MAXIM. -A poor man is to be avoided-he lacks principal.




. FPUN OFFICE, Wednesday, November 24t7, 1869.
HE parish of St. Pancras is acquiring a terrible and unenviable
notoriety. While it was content to be the purveyor of amuse-
ment to all who read the reports of the squabbles of its Guardians
at the Board-meetings, little harm was done. But when seven
inquests are held in one day on the bodies of paupers who perished, as
proved by the medical evidence, from the unwholesome state of the
wards, the case becomes serious. England in the Nineteenth Century
cannot afford to have it said that because parochial dignitaries want to
keep down the rates, the poor are to be allowed to die-as people died in
the Black Hole at Calcutta, and from the very same cause !
This is the evidence, and it is authenticated by the medical testimony
of such eminent men as MEssRS. SOLLY and BRUDENELL CARTER, as
well as by the fact of the numerous deaths.
But, of course, the parish authorities have their-answer, and their
friends, who (when everything has been prepared for their visit pos-
sibly) report favourably on all the arrangements. Of course the
Coroner got up the case, and, of course the two Medical Inspectors had
interested motives in reporting, and, of course, the paupers were
prevailed upon to die in order to further their aims -at least the St.
Pancras Board would have us believe so.
We, however, prefer to accept the statements of MEssns. SoLLY and
CARTER, and to ask the Poor Law Board whether they intend to per-
mit parochial authorities to revive in civilized London of the Nine-
teenth Century the horrors of the Black Hole of Calcutta!

"THE quality of mercy is not strained." It is certainly not
clarified in some cases when it is filtered through the Home Office.
Not very long since SIR E. G. C. EARDLEY was sent to prison for
bigamy, but pardoned-or rather released afterwards, on the plea of
ill-health, and on the understanding that he was to expatriate himself.
It is doubtful whether such clemency would be displayed to any
bigamist not also a baronet; but such immunities are not the only
blessings of the order.
Sm E. G. C. EAnnLEY has apparently recovered his health, and has
returned to his native land, for a short time since he was brought up
on the charge of obtaining 5 by false pretences. But when he was
brought up on remand, the prosecutor declined to go on with the case,
and the magistrate (doubtless remembering the conduct of the late
Lord Mayor under similar circumstances) allowed him to withdraw.
Once again, then, our baronet gets off scot-free! We protest against
his immunity in the interests of the Baronetage, to which such large
additions have been recently made-it is not fair, by allowing such
latitude to SIR E. G. C. EARDLEY'S eccentricities, to subject such a
numerous body to so strong a temptation to crime !

A Good Joke.
MI. BERNAL OSBORNE possesses such a keen appreciation of
humour, that we are at a loss to understand how he can refrain from
laughing in the faces of the Waterford electors, who are meditating
the return of CAPTAIN MACKEY the Fenian, now a convicted felon
in an English prison. The proclamations say his return will place
him and the electors of Waterford in their proper colours before the
world "-only an Irishman could see the propriety of being repre-
sented in the House by a man who won't be there at all!

Spoiling the Crops.
THEY don't manage some things better in San Francisco. We
observe that, at the Mechanics' Fair held there recently, there was
exhibited a rope made of the twisted hair of convicts cropped in the
state prison. In England we make much more profit out of the
trimming of our felons -we make expensive chignons of them,

THE WonsT ExcunsioN OUT.-A go of gin.
A COMMON, but reprehensible, practical joke:-" Pinching" an um-
The public credulity.
FINE AnT DEFINITION.-The old masters (aye, and the modern
ones, too) :-Wives.
WHY is a man who is fond of writing like a cheap means of tra-
velling F-Beeause he's a pen-esteemer.

[NovEMBER 27, 1869.

APPEARANCES, like facts, possess
A stubbornness which, I confess,
'Tis hard to overcome.
Yet some appearances, forsooth,
Are just the opposite of truth-
You'll notice I say "some."
Crime, undetected, shows a face
So calm ; of guilt you see no trace-
No slightest hint therein.
While Innocence, if snubbed or dunned,
Becomes so highly rubicund,
It seems not shame but sin!
What sunny and delightful hues
In Bubble Companies one views,
When on the verge of "bustin'."
Your ripple going for a walk
As well might think a cabbage-stalk
A staff that .he could trust in.
There's Mn. SQroBBLE with his wife
Appears to lead a happy life-
Before spectators, tender;
But when there's nobody in sight,
My goodness, how they brawl and fight,
With poker, tongs, and fender!
Oh, you'll grow wiser by and by,
And view with a suspicious eye
All kinds of outward seeming;
And then, unless you're deaf and blind,
Appearances you oft will find
With vile delusions teeming.
E. G. I've an appearance here,
I sketched it down on Ryde's famed pier,
Near Cowes that fill no dairy.
Look at this party! Does it strike
Your fancy that he is so like-
So very like a

A Trying Position.
THE Tines the other day informed us that three eminent engineers
are to "sit upon" the piers of the Holborn Viaduct. The piers
deserve to be sat upon, in one sense, for not having stood better, but
we should think the position of the three eminent engineers will prove
a rather difficult one, since sitting on the piers, they will not only
have to report upon but support the bridge.

Spanish Intelligence.
THE crown of Spain has been offered to the DuxE OF GENOA. Of
course he will accept the Genoa-rous gift.

WITCH NOBODY cAN DENY.-A Lancashire one.

] ET' T ..-- .. 27, 1869.




I ~

(Dedicated to the St. Pancras Board of Guardians.)

~YARA4?D a_

NoVmBarn 27, 1889.]


FoGes and frosts and funny weather,-
Cold and muggy both together;-
One truly can't:telLwhat one ought to be at:-
For this is the season'-and this is that!
1. This the carpenter will use
Who has to deal with female screws;
I don't intend
Mean folks, my friend.
2. A book-in-breeches, if I were,
This is the form I should prefer.
3. Put;two and two together, you're an adder.
This is as bad as that-it- can't be badder.
4. Although of course one always knew
That these things grew,
Not until recently could one assume
That they could bloom.
5. A celestial performance-yet I know
'Twas on the stage some years ago.
6. If you've not got them in by this,
Your gardener has done amiss;
For in the Spring,
When they should fling
Their leaves out, they'll be late, I wis!
7. With this, so folks declare,
The old and wrinkled fair,
By certain parties clever,
Is made beautiful for ever.
8. This person you may call ; a steward "-
On shore though, not with land to leeward!
SOLrTION or ACROSTIc No. 140.- winter Annual:
Wamba, Irritation, Noon, Tolu, Eliza, Russell.
Nov.-Nell and ii ; 1). P. W.; Pimlico Tom Cat; Four Lemon ;
Bind; Old Cider Eve; Semo; Defsla andl Ycul; Halleaths ; P.
M. 1I.; C. and E. L.; Suffolk Dumplinz; B. P. R.; Edmonton;
Toodles ; Cheeky Trio; Dead Pansy; Cuddie Ileadugg; Rowley;
Tinm Bobbin; Gray's Gallivanting Giants; Ruby's Ghost; Tar-
nagulla; Podge's Grandmother.
We have to apologise for an err;r which was overlooked in the
formation of Acrostic No. 139.

A TIGHT FIT.- Del. Trem.

Is! Pickpockcet :-" SEEN THE LORD MAYOR, BILL ? "

BIOGRAPHIES OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST MEN. Such was the distinguished career of a man, who, but for the acci-
er d fro r ext m r.) dent of birth and the want of money, might have risen to a position of
(Reprinted from ouer next mer.) great eminence in the eyes of the world :-he might, in short, have bo-
SOME men are born to honours, some achieve honours, and some come a guardian of St. Pancras parish, a post for which his intellect
have honours thrust upon them. PETER PEDDLER was not one of them. suited him, and the duties of which he would have duly discharged if
The only honours he ever scored were ace and knave, at threepenny he had not been afflicted with a conscience and troubled with a heart.
points, and even then dummy held the knave.
He was.the child of his parents, who consisted of a father and mother
principally. As a baby, we grieve to inform MR. GEORGE CRUIK- Proving a Title.
snAmi K and friends (who will kindly accept this intimation), he took to TiHE new journal entitled the Commercial World sets a good example
the bottle early. His mother having eloped with the best beadstead of honesty. A glance at the initial letters of its heading is sufficient
and the table linen, including a suit of clothes belonging to the lodger to convince one that it is what it professes to be-a three pen-ny
on the first floor, with the man inside them, the infant PETER was left paper.
to his own resources, so no wonder he took to the bottle as a succeda- p
neum. Owing to the perversity of the milkman, who was to have sup- At the Bottom of it.
plied him with one cow's milk, but called in the aid of the pump, the WE are informed that the cracks in the columns of the Holborn
poor child as he grew up took after his iron nurse. Viaduct have arisen out of a misunderstanding.
Though so early addicted to the bottle he never got on. His school-
master said he never knew such a backward boy. We don't like
children to be forward, but they might be sideways in preference to the Pack o' Nonsense !
exact reverse. The Cotswold Hounds meet occasionally at "The Balloon." What
His youthful path lay through flours, best, seconds, and middlings, ldthey must be occasionally
owing to his having been apprenticed to a baker. He made bread-for
a whole neighbourhood, but could hardly contrive to get his own
living. Though he got up at early hours there was little prospect of Gate along with ye !
his rising. His end was sudden-both ends were, in short, for one GATE meetings are threatened with abolition at the hands of the
finished with two feet and the other with a bald patch on top of his Jockey Club. Bad news for lovers !
He died. The parish held him in such high esteem that it buried MEN who dot the i's :-Pugilists.
him gratis. Perhaps this was owing to a fellow-feeling on the part Poon RELIEr.-Being relieved of one's watch.
of the Chairman of the Board. He was a dyer too, and that made him ,,
sympathise. A CLASS deserving Legislation on Abstract Principles. -Pick-
PETER had never married. It was chiefly in consequence of this pockets.
that his widow did not marry again. It is also believed to be due to NOT a bad name for one who has to stand the fire of all the critics:
this that his orphan children were not left destitute. -BOXALL.


122 IF U N [NOVEMBER 27, 1869.

&, (adfaig dtabagwcz.

" ERENE Mightiness, Electoral High Seignior and Hereditary
Grand Archduke of Nexdorea: -May it please your wor-
shipful Highness, the humble individual who has the
honour of addressing you is a frozen-out market gardener.
Sire, the hearts of all market gardeners turn to your Serene
Mightiness and the great and good nation over which you rule.
The Aphanians are a slaughterous and beef -loving people. The
Nexdorean race is gentle and vegetarian, and the market-gardener
yearns for annexation to your Serenity's dominions. Sire, I
am a market gardener with an especial grievance. I am a copious
cultivator of peas, your Mightiness, and used to be purveyor to the
Royal pigeonry. But of late a new Ministry has sprung up and the
most pinching economy reigns in Aphania. Will your Serenity credit
it, that although the purveying of peas to the palace has been an
established office for hundreds of years, my appointment has been
cancelled on the shabby pretence that as there are no pigeons the peas
are not wanted.
Serene Mightiness, by this paltry economy I have thousands of
waggon loads of peas thrown on my hands. I welcome your Mightiness's
arrival as an opening for disposing of my wares. I am ready to pro-
vision yourwhole army on the most reasonable terms with the requisites
for that wholesome viand so beloved by the noble people of Nexdorea-
pea-soup !
"Serene Mightiness! Do not imagine this selfish motive is the only
one that actuates me. I have reserved a more important consideration
until the end. Sire, I have it in my power to give Aphania into your
hands. My father, who like myself is disaffected, and suffers under the
tyrannical rule ef BUNGo, is within the town, and at a given signal will
fling open the gates for the admittance of your Serene Mightiness's
army. By the end of four days he will have managed to carry
out his operations, and your Serenity shall march into Aphania with-
out difficulty."
What guarantee can I have for this ? said the Archduke.
I will not ask to be paid for my supplies of peas until after the
capture of the city, and when your Mightiness orders the assault you
may tie me to the biggest drum in your arsenal and stun me to death
if at my signal the gates are not opened as I promise."
Just sit down, will you, and put your proposition and undertaking
down in black and white."
"With pleasure, sire, if so humble an individual as a market-gar-
dener may be seated in your august presence."
Oh, rubbish," said the Archduke.
So REMsxK sat down and drew up his offer and guarantee in a neat
and legible form. The Archduke looked it over, approved of it, and he
and REMSKY affixed their signatures.
"And now, young fellow," said his Serenity, as we have settled that
all right, I'll trouble you to go and fetch in your peas, for I haven't
tasted a spoonful of pea-soup since I quitted Nexdorea."
"At what time does our Serene Mightiness dine ? asked REMsxy.
"About two. I can't bear late dinners. Of course I have to dine
late at home because it's a matter of state, but in the field I can do as
I like, so we feed at two !"
"Then I regret to say that it would be impossible for me to provide
the peas. My warehouses are under the drums of the garrison, and I
can only remove the peas at night."
"Well, then, mind you bring me some for to-morrow; my brave

fellows have not tasted
peas for weeks, and, by
the way, just hasten your
father's operations, for
the sooner we carry the a
city the better. News of
the invasion may reach
the Aphanian com-
manders, and if they at-
tack us in the rear and
the garrison makes a
vigorous sally in front it
would be rather ugly."
In four days, your -
Mightiness, the gates
shall be flung open for
you. TheAphanian army,
if it knew of your ar-
rival, could only arrive s
by forced marches weary
and demoralized, just in time to witness your triumphal entry."
"There's something in that!" said His Serenity.
RroSxy took his leave. The same night he brought his first
waggon-load of peas to the Nexdorean camp and was promptly taken
prisoner by the outposts, who were of course unacquainted with his
interview with the Archduke. REMSKY begged to be taken before his
Mightiness, and after some difficulty persuaded his captors to carry
him to Fizrororr's tent.
"How's this ? asked the Archduke, when he saw who the prisoner
was, "what have you been doing, eh ?"
"I was bringing in my first supply of peas when I was captured by
your soldiers!"
"Is this so F asked the Archduke. The captain of the guard said
that the prisoner was taken when endeavouring to bring a waggon-
load of peas into the lines.
"Very right of you, captain," said the Archduke, You've done your
duty nobly, but this young man is in my employ on secret service."
So he stated, your Serenity, but as he had neither pass nor safe-
guard, I doubted his statement!"
Ah, of course, I ought to have thought of that! said FizroporF.
The upshot of the affair was, that REMSKY was provided with a pass
which forbade any interference with his movements, and gave him
right of ingress or egress at all hours and in all places.
This was just what REMSKY wanted. He set to work for the next
three nights and conveyed all his peas into the Nexdorean camp, where
two or three large tents were given up to him for store rooms. And for
three days the Nexdorean forces ate pea-soup to their hearts' content.
On the fourth day Rs isxr waited on the Archduke, and informed
him that all was ready. The army was accordingly directed to march
on the city, with trumpets blowing and banners flying, but with strict
orders not to discharge their drums till the Archduke gave the word
of command.
His Highness led the way mounted on his piebald charger. His
staff surrounded him, and on his right a teamof eight cart horses drew
along the largest drum in his arsenal. RE MsKY was bound to this
enormous instrument. One bang of the steam hammer by which this
drum was beaten would have stunned him to death.
The whole Nexdorean army followed in double lines.
It was an imposing sight.
As they approached the walls of Aphania, which were
crowded with aged people of both sexes, REMsKY gave a
long shrill whistle. To the amazement and delight of
the Archduke the huge gates of the city were thrown
open. He galloped up to REMSKY, shook him warmly
by the hand, and ordered his bonds to be at once
Then he rode to the front of his army, took off his
helmet, and waving it in the air gave the word of com-
mand in a loud voice-
Each soldier in the Nexdorean army plied his drum-
sticks as if the success of the day depended on his single
effort. But not a sound camne save a subdued topping.
The silence of the Nexdorean drums was no mystery
to REMSKY, who had slipped away as soon as his cords
were loosed.
REMSKY had made good use of the pass which the
Archduke gave him and wandered all over the camp day
and night. He discovered that the drums were stacked
outside the tents to be ready for immediate use in case of a surprise.
This was so much the better for the scheme he and his father had in
their heads.
Armed with a small bradawl and a large basket of peas he spent the
night in stealing from tent to tent. Artfully boring a small hole in


NOVEMBER 27, 1869.] F UJ N 123

the parchment of each drum where it would be least likely to attract
notice, he filled up the whole of the interior of the instrument with
It was a tremendous task and he had to work very hard to get it
done and at the same time keep a sharp look out so as not to be found
tampering with the arms.
His father was entrusted with the task of conveying the peas from
the stores to the camp, leaving them at a place previously agreed on
whence his son could fetch them. This considerably lightened
REMSiK's labours. Had he been compelled to convey the peas from
warehouse to camp he would never have found time to fill the drums.
While the Archduke and his army supposed REMSKY was bringing
in the provisions from his distant warehouses, the artful young fellow
was stealing about the camp spiking the drums-to borrow a term
from the artillery.

A.BUTTERFLY bachelor-naughty, old boy!
My innocent maidens beware of!
He's said to be sterling, but mind the alloy,
His heart you can all have a share of.
But though he is fairly decrepit, you know,
He has still such a fancy for pleasing,
That he seems to rejoice i la FARMNTOSH BEAU !
He is winning in spite of his wheezing.
My naughty old man, though a bachelor gay,
Has the air of a gallant-the sinner-
He ogles the milliner over the way,.
But fears indigestion at dinner.
He talks in a jaunty and insolent air
Of women he's won or is winning;
But he certainly puffs on ascending a stair,
And shows his best teeth when he's grinning.
He haunts, like a funny old fellow, the spots
Of youth in its exquisite spring time,
By the side of coy maidens he wickedly trots,
But he's, pig-like, afraid of the ring-time.
He searches for violets, bloweth the rose,
In Frenchified fashion les baisers.
-In a bed of patched wrinkles reposes his nose,
He has certainly comical ways, eh!
A shambling, a rambling, a merry old dog,
Who, of course, tumbles nightly to pieces,
May be fancied by some no unbearable clog
For the sake of his lace and his leases.
But still, merry maidens, I beg you reflect,
Though he now is so civil and courtly,
You'll all grow more beautiful still I expect,
But he'll take to drivelling shortly.

A Fact for Mr. Freeman.
THE brutal sport of bull-baiting has long been abolished, but how
many are there even in the present day who bait their horses !

Foreign to the Subject.
Ir a man commits himself under the influence of a bowl of punch,
how should he be tried ?-By a "mixed jury.

A SPRIG of ob-bility. The Sprig of'Shillelagh.

THE inauguration of the LEIGo HUNT memorial has doubtless sug-
gested the publication of some of his best Essays (HorrafN Piccadilly),
with an introductory biographical sketch, which does not strike rs as
particularly well done. The frontispiece is a view of the monument,
which is plain almost to ugliness. It is unnecessary to speak of the
essays, which are dear to all lovers of English literature, and are
welcome indeed in this very handy and elegant form.
The Swallows of Leigh 'Farn (HOGG, York-street) is an amusing
story for children, being the fabled doings of a family of those birds
and their feathered neighbours-whose portraits, not always flattering
ones, lighten up the pages. It is a pity that the author has fallen
into a "vulgar error" with regard to birds, when he speaks of a
swallow going to sleep and covering his head with his win "- as a
fact a bird does not put its head under its wing, it lays it in the
feathers of its back.
From MEssRs. MOFPAT AND Co., of Dublin, we have received besides
a batch of pamphlets theological, polemical, and political, a little
volume of verse Concerning Earthly Love, written by "a Country
Parson," who would have done better to stick to sermon-writing, we
think; Heirs of the Soil, a story intended, we presume, to settle the
question of Land Tenure in Ireland, but rather calculated to engender
the heart-burnings that spring of bigotry and intolerance: and
Redemption Thouqghts, a volume of bald prose cut into faulty blank
verse lengths, with a dedication which we consider profanity : and a
portrait of the author that looks very like vanity.
We have received from the Albert Press, Great Russell-stroet,
specimens of Fernographs for illuminations. The designs consist
of texts combined with groups of ferns, and their effect when coloured
cannot but be beautiful.

An Objection Overcome.
THOUGH Commerce is said to be in a bad way, Trade must be look-
ing up, to judge from this advertisement, clipped from a provincial
TWANTED, a HOUSEMAID. A parlor maid kept. State age, wages, and all
" particulars. A personal interview preferred. One who has lived in a trades-
man's family not objected to. Apply to Mrs. S-- Huse, near .
Let the community of tradesmen take comfort I The prospects of
a servant who has lived in their families are not hopelessly destroyed;
to be in their employ does not impress an entirely indelible stain on
her character. Let the hopes of housemaids look up! To be in the
service of folks who keep a shop needs not necessarily to be a bar
against their return to respectability and genteel situations.

[ We cannot return unaccepted .SS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
Musicus.-We use blue ink in preference to our life-blood as a writing
fluid, on this journal. Your notion of comic writers is too funny-which
your MS. is not.
A PATER.-Such apater could hardly go father, and fare-no, rhyme
H. B. (Harrow) has harrowed our feelings, with a joke about being
ploughed for examinations. Let this answer prove a scareo-ifer.
C. B.-Our rules are plain enough. We wish your writing was ditto.
ToRTOISE.-You have made our hair stand on end.
GEORGE (Fenchurch-street) says, Having composed the following con-
undrum, will you please insert it?" We deny the charge. We did not
compose it!
W. R. B. B.-We believe a penny will do.
CHOP.-Still far from first of your kind.
QUIEN SABE.-An accidental suspension. We quite agree with you in
your estimate of the MS. you enclose.
QuousauETANDEM.-We never heard of a donkey tandem before.
GEM AND VIOLA.-Our rules will not permit us to oblige you, or we
could not say no to two fair damsels with such pretty names.
NOT A SWEARING GER MAN.-You seem to know as much about rhyme
as our Tom-cat- in fact, we prefer his mows.
T. P. D.-You should not "venture to think"-it only confuses you.
We don't believe in your watery twaddle.
AMATEUR.-The New Series of FUN began in 1865. Be careful of that
reputation of yours among your maiden aunts-you won't got it elsewhere.
Declined with thanks :-C. B., Baker- street; W. S, Newcastle-on-Tyne;
Bingo; R. F., Hastings; Ten Hours, Winchestor; G. V. E University
College; T. V. W.; H. W., Liverpool; A. S., Glasgow; Ben; Steel Pen;
J. B., Westminster; M. M.; J. B. T.; C. J. C. 0., Manchester; Sultan,
St. Paul's; Suggestion; Park-lane; G. H. W., Pontypridd: G. G. V.,
,Walsall; Popinjay; M., New Hampton; B.; C. H., Piccadilly; Pakoe;
G. A. D., Granville. square; Wee,; C. W. A.; Lebanon; C. M., Liverpool;


Oh, if I had a blundherbuss, I'd go and fight a jewil, ma'am."-MOLLY BLALLIGAN (Tender Irish ballad).
1.-The O'DONOGHuE writes a letter. 6.-The Warrior's notion of how it is to be settled.
2.-MR. MOORE in consequence orates and calls the O'D. a Sikh. 7.-MR. SMITH thinks firing in the air more civil.
3.-The Chieftain invokes the God of Battles thro' a party by the name 8.-When the O D. hears Boulogne is suggested, he cries Agmny What
of SMITH. about the Channel passage ?"
4.-Mu. SMITH bears the missive like a bird. 9.-The seconds thereupon talk it over.
5.-MR. MOORE's military friend awaits MR. SMITH at the Bur- 10.-And agree to withdraw the objectionable letters on both sides.
lington." 11.-The principals will henceforth exhibit as the Siamese Twins.

IN St. Paul's we have in "In Babyland" an admirable description
of an infant-nursery established by private charity. The fortunes
of the French Empire is the political paper of the month, and there
are-as there always are in this excellent magazine-several other
most interesting papers.
Good Words is a pleasant number this time. House-hunting"
is capital and well illustrated. Holyhead Breakwater is good, too,
and the Editor's Peeps at the Far East" are chatty and pleasant as
The Sunday Magazine has a very interesting instalment of Episodes
in an Obscure Life." The illustration to Sundays on the Conti-
nent" is very good, as are those to the last named paper.
Good Words for the Young appears with a new and very telling
wrapper this month. Its contents are admirable, as usual. The new

Editor continues his story, in which Diamond at last gets to The
Back of the North Wind," and RicHARD Rowe gives a capital sketch
of Running Away to Sea." The pictures are plentiful and excellent-
The illustration to Keeping the Cornucopia is a marvellous speci-
men of tint-cutting, with difficulties of no small magnitude to over-
A VOICE from our waste Lands :-" 'Till called for."

NOTICEB.-Now Boeady, with Numerous Illustrations, price Is.,
Tom Hood's Comic Annual for 1870.

Also, Now Beady, sixteen pages, toned paper, Profusely Illustrated,
price Twopence,

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state thae, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furmniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Nov. 27, 1869.

DECEMBER 4, 1869.]


THE law allows not, as we see,
My second in my first;
My first with second seems to be
Of all their class the worst.
1. A great cavalcade comes and prances before us
In song, and their word forms a part of the chorus.
2. Go search upon the banks of Rhine,
Or in the land of France;
The grape there yields a noble wine,
Beneath Sol's ripening glance.
But never wine was there, I wis,
That could at all compare % ith this.
3. He follows, as all huntsmen know,
A useful occupation;
And they upon him will bestow
This strange abbreviation.
4. If a horse could play a tune
On the mountains of the moon,
Prancing in a hansom furious,
'Twould be this, and very curious.
5. The music of BROWNING rings fainter and fainter,
But still one word more gives the name of a painter.
6. 'Twas a shame to shut up the most beautiful girl,
And to cut off her hair with each wandering curl;
For my part, I know that I'd drowning seek rather
Than bear such a name as bore JOSHUA'S father.
7. A sort of CHADBAND in possession
Of muffins, this is his expression.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 141.-Ifirmary, Work-
house: Interview, Noddebo, Fair, Irk, Ralph, Mossoo,
Adieu, Riches, Yoke.
CORRECT SOLrTIONS or AcosTwer No. 141, URORTavR NOV. 24th-
Timothy & Co.; Tad and Her Grandmother ; Dead Pansy; McC.;
J. 0. P.; Podge's Grandmother.

A THREEPENNY BIT: -A native oyster.

A SPOT or RAIN.-Manchester.

This is JACK PERKINS who thought himself up to the weather-instead of
that, the weather is down on him.

MESSRS. CASELL, PETTER AND GALPIN publish The Child's Bible,
The Popular Educator, The Household Guide, and other works of the
moral and instructive class. So particular are they, it would seem,
that when tempted by the allurements of Doii's illustrations they
published Baron Mfunchausen, they ensured the propriety of that less
serious work by securing a clergyman to edit it.
DR. TYNDALL is a scientific man, one of our most distinguished
savants, and he his especially gained a reputation in connection with
his researches into Light and Heat.
The British Public is a creature of impulse, and when it sees the
name of MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTER AND GALPIN to a book, takes it for
granted that an article emanating from a firm which goes in for the
moral and educational will be in all strictness and integrity what it
professes to be.
The British Public is a creature of impulse, and when it sees the
name of DR. TYNDALL to a book called Natural Philosophy, issued as a
new publication, will take it to be of recent date, and will suppose that
it is the Doctor's work, especially as far as the treatise on Light and
Heat is concerned, at least.
MESSRS. CASSELL, PETER ANB GALPIN have published Natural
Philosophy in Ea.y Lessons, by JoHN TYNDALL."
Da. TYNDALL writes to Scientific Opinion, and says "neither upon the
cover nor upon the title page is there a word or date to inform the
public that the book, as far as I am related to it, is a reprint of some
short articles written fourteen or fifteen years ago for Hughes's Book of
Lessons, and published in that book side by side with contributions
from various other scientific men. I use the words as far as I am
related to it' becau-e the Essays on 'Light' and on 'Heat and
Chemical Power,' with which the volume ends, are not mine. They
are from the pen of MR. ROBERT HUNT, and bear in a very subdued
form"--on one page and in very "small caps" indeed-" their
author's name." He adds, "The articles could never stand, and were
never intended to stand, as a separate work on Natural Philosophy."
The British Public, PaoFEssoa TYNDALL, and MESSRS. C., P. AND G.
are in the position of the little girl, her cat, and her grandmother.

Said the little girl, "Someone in this room is a stupid-and it isn't you,
puss, and I don't mean me !" Stupid is not the word to apply in
this case, but the British Public will no doubt have no difficulty in
finding a word-and it isn't you, puss, and I don't mean me !"

MY love, I cannot call thee fair :
'Twere difficult, methinks, to trace
One feature that the world will dare
To call good-looking in thy face.
But Love is blind, and sets aside
Thy faults of countenance and limb :
Thy husband feels with proper pride
That thou art fairly fond of him.
I cannot call thee rich, my dear:
'Twould scarce be true, in any sense,
To call thy twenty pounds a-year
Profuse and princely opulence.
And yet a maxim thou cast find-
A sentiment in which I join--
Which says that a contented mind
Is better than a lot of coin.
My own, I cannot call thee wise,
For, oh! far otherwise thou art;
In Learning's race to take a prize,
'Tis requisite to make a start.
It grieves me not that thou hast got
No farther than thine A B C;
For thou hast mastered (happy lot!)
The science of adoring me.

A ROUNDED PElIOD. -The Commonwealth. (Roundhead, can't you
see, thickhead ?)





[DECEMBER 4, 1869.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, .December 1st, 1869.
X E 'have rather a cheerful time coming, at least those of us
I) who are tax-payers, and thanks to a paternal Government
there are precious few who are not. On the first of January
we shall, thanks to the ability of that amateur financier, Mi-.
LowE, be called upon to pay a tax on an income we have not received,
on a carriage we have not ridden in, for property-we have not enjoyed
-in short, for everything that we can possibly be mulcted for in
advance !
The thing is a swindle, and a cruel one. Taxes are heavy enough
when they come simultaneously with the necessaries for which we
have to pay. When we have to pay them prospectively, and all at
once, the burden is rather more than we fancy JOHN BULL will submit
to in silence.
The whole race of tax-payers are not millionaires, and some con-
sideration might have been shown by the appointment of different
months for the payment of these extortions. But when they come all
at once they will be the ruin of many a struggling man-and to make
it better, there is what is called an Act to do away with imprisonment
for debts under Bankruptcy, which will really revive the harshness of
the old law!
JoHN BULL is simply throttled by a LowE fellow, while his pockets
are picked by legitimised plunderers.
Our remark is "Thieves "
IF we may trust rumour the City is likely to be still further im-
proved ere long. The Corporation are so well pleased with their re-
cent successes that they look with a favourable eye upon all sound and
practicable schemes for beautifying the City. We have seen one now
under consideration, which will, if carried out, make London East of
Temple Bar a city of magnificent distances. The old narrow streets
will be widened, open spaces secured wherever possible, and the Civic
buildings concentrated about the Guildhall. -
Of course such a scheme means money, but then the City is rich, and
as it also means work for the many unemployed, we shall be glad to
see it adopted- even if only in part. The Poultry in Cheapside, and
the block of Holywell Street in the Strand, are doomed. The sooner
some one begins to clear them off the better.

My Stars!
HERE you are, my Telegraphic Companies,-now that the Govern-
ment takes your old lines out of your hands start new ones- to the
3. Charles Cros calls the attention of the French Academy to a means of commu-
nicating with the inhabitants of the planets. He states, the Scientific Review says,
that this might be done by sending rays of light from parabolic reflecting mirrors to
the said planets, so as to produce a set of intermittent telegraphic signals, which
would easily be understood. He endeavours to prove that such spots of light would
be easily visible on Venus or Mars, and he alludes to certain bright spots on these
planets which several astronomers have observed at various times, and which may
be telegraphic signals that are being sent to us by the inhabitants of Venus and
There is only one little drawback to this. Who is going to the
planets to explain the code ? Of course, when once that is done, the
whole thing is easy !

A Patriotic Scheme.
A CONTEMPOnARY predicts that the income tax will be reduced by
one penny next year in consequence of the enormous sum realized by
the legacy duties on the estates of the late MARQUIS or WVESTMINSTER
and ME. PEABODY. We would gladly have retained the impost at its
original rate rather than have lost two such men. But what a vast
area of usefulness this opens up for the numerous millionaires who
have never emulated the virtues of a PEABODY, and the wealthy lords
who are not Marquises of Westminster. We throw this out as a hint

Ducks and Drakes.
THIs is startling:-
Mr. Drake, who put down the first oil well in America, and who at one time w s
worth 1,000,000 dols., recently died in the workhouse.
The unhappy DRAKE must have been assisted by the proverbial ducks

in the disposal of his money.
Si'PEr VIRENS. A boarding-school Miss.


H, my double-
Shame it is
to view
Of front-teeth
SpBut no ode
to you!
W We 1 com e,
gri nders
In our back.
most jaw,
Source of pain
and trou-
rage, and
awe I
Tired we are of
Free from
any ache
What the
S 'cook'sbeen
Pudding, jelly, cake ;
Tired of easy bobbing
Up and down of maws-
Jovial grinders throbbing,
Aggravate our jaws!
Swell our flushing faces,
Screw our nerves up, pray!
Till we're left no traces
Of our yesterday:
All our features smother-
Lump them into one,
Till a fellow's mother
Wouldn't know her son.
Fill our days with aniguish-
Fill our nights with grief;
Till our senses languish
Sighing for relief.
Through each nerve and sinew
Shoot the frequent pang,
Till the power that's in you
Fervently we dang!
Hark! the bell for dinner!
Bless we fondly it ;
Since, as I'm a sinner,
We can't touch a bit.
Gleam, ye toosey-pooseys,
Coral lips below!
What of you the use is ?
I can't eat, you know!
Gleam, ye toosey-pooseyt,
While I sit aghast,
Muttering abuses
Of the vain repast.
Go on-ache to-morrow-
Rack me in my dreams,
At each root a sorrow
Gnawing deeply seems.
Let '"the set, ten guineas"
Rest in others' jaws,
While their glittering grin is
Greeted with applause!
Never they in truth ache,
Softening hearts and gums.
'Tis from genuine tooth-ache -
English courage comes.
What are artificial
Good for, if you please ?
Merely as initials
Of digestive ease!
But the brisk neuralgia,
Settled in your cheek,
Drives your English hearts of oak
Crazy in a week!





/ -


/ ^.


(^ *5__


" Ruifianly and unprovoked at-tax on the 1st of January on an elderly Gentleman by overpowering numbers."-See Daily Tapers.

\7 4

Sfl ii

DECEMBER 4, 1869.] F U N 131


OF all the girls that are so smart,
Accomplished, and all that, sir,
The girl on whom I've fixed my heart
My income's eighty pounds a-year;
And she's the daughter of a peer-
I bought in Regent-street a carte of lovely LADY SARAIr,
She is the darling of my heart, and she lives in Belgrave-square. Ah!
My mother and my sisters three
Are chaffing me no end, sir,
And, but for SARAH, I should be
Without a single friend, sir.
My SARAH, though the thing seems queer,
The trusting soul no cause of fear
Appears to apprehend, sir,
And I have sworn I 11 never part from dearest LADY SARAH,
Who is the darling of my heart, though she lives in Belgrave-
square. Ah!
Mistakes occur in families,
The greatest and the humblest.
And thou who art so jolly wise,
Take heed in case thou stumblest.
'Tis known to BENJAMIN DE VERE
That she who is to him most dear
Is rot the daughter of a peer.
0 Muse In vain thou fumblest
For words in which to state that LADY CLARA, and not SARAn,
Is offspring of the noble house- the house in Belgrave-square. Ah!
(I should say LADY CLARA)
Is mistress of the maid, Miss PRATT,
Whose other name is SARAH.
And in the Timnes 'twill soon appear
That SARAH PRATT, with joyful tear,
Is merged in MRS. BEN DE VERE,
And that the happy pair a
Tour abroad have taken, ere they settle down to share a-
Partments neatly furnished, though not in Belgrave-square. Eh ?

IN the interregnum between now and Christmas, one is glad to re-
visit old scenes of delight. What can be more pleasant than to spend
an evening at the bright little house in Wych-strcet, or the even
brighter little box in Tottenham-street ? At the Prince of Wales's-
which combines in appearance all the gorgeousness of the drawing-
room with all the natural grace of the conservatory, School is still
kept by Miss WILTON, assisted by an able staff of teachers-of enjoy-
ment. The dialogue still sparkles, and the company still acts with
its original freshness and force.
At the Olympic, judicious alterations have made Little Em'ly all that
can be desired. The storm scene is greatly improved, and much
tediousness has been excised. Miss ADDIsoN, as Rosa Dartle, still
bears off the palm.
We have much pleasure in calling attention to the approaching
benefit of MR. E. J. YOUNG, at the Queen's Theatre, to whose numerous
frequenters he is so well and favourably known, that even the un-
diminished attraction of Turn of the Tide, and the exceptional attrac-
tion of Milky White, will hardly be necessary to command a bumper.

A Peal of Grandsires. -
SURGICAL operations are evidently not performed frequently enough
in the neighbourhood of the Scotch paper which favoured the world
with this paragraph:-
At the funeral of a child in the Western Cemetery, Dundee, (he other day, the
following relatives let down the coffin-the father, two grandfathers, and the
surviving great-grandfather.
We should like to know how the great grandfather could have
assisted at the ceremony if he had not been surviving.

A BAND OF HorE.-The Wedding Ring.

WHEN we were at school together DE GORELES and I wore intimate
friends. In fact, as we fought each other with great punctuality once
a week, I may say we loved one another like brothers.
After we left school we did not meet for many years. He went.
abroad, and I stayed at home, which was one of the chief reasons why
we saw so little of one another.
He had been in England about a year, when learning his address, I
resolved to call on him. When we parted at school I lent him half-a-
crown and my pea-shooter, and I wished to see if he had a soul of
honour and would return them.
I called at his chambers in the Albany and was at once ushered into
his room. He was sitting on the sofa in an embroidered dressing
gown. His countenance wore a strange air of depression and be-
DE GOBBLES, my boy," said I, with all the warmth of our old
affection, how are you ? "
"Because the one kisses his missus, and the other misses his kisses,"
said he, gazing at me in a vacant manner.
"Why, hullo I exclaimed, What is the matter ? "
He gave a sickly smile, and said When it's a-jar."
I could see that his brain was affected. I was the proy of conflict-
ing feelings, because painful as the spectacle was, it was gratifying to
think that the friend of my boyhood was capable of suffering from an
affection of the brain.
My dear DE GOBBLES,' 1aid silting beside him and taking his
hand, "what ails you ?"
Because he's a head-scenter," was his reply, which at once con-
vinced me of the hopelessness of his disorder.
In time and by degrees, combined with dry sherry, I got him to be
more cool and collected. He told me his sad story.
He loved and was-as he fondly hoped-beloved again. The lady
of his choice was the daughter and heiress of the BisHor o'L KNriY-
CHICKALOLLADADDY in the Colonies. She moved in good society and
so did DE GORDLEs, whose aunt on his gradnmother's side was a Duke
of the blood royal, as he told me.
His adored had one failing. She spent her whole time in construct-
ing or solving riddles. It was owing to his constant efforts to engage
her affection by sharing her pursuits, that my poor friend was reduced
to such a state of mental prostration that everything in the form of a
question appeared to him in the light of a riddle.
The course of true love had gone smoothly enough with him until
that morning, when on visiting his affianced he received a shock that
harrowed up his gentle and sympathetic soul.
The object of his attachment had greeted him on his entrance with
these remarkable words-
Bloodshotten, barbarian, bacchanalian, beholden, beargarden-
It was an insult his lofty soul could not brook. lie left her pro-
sence never to behold her more. After revealing this melancholy
story to me, he rushed to the mantelpiece, snatched down a pair of
bellows, and placing the muzzle to his temple, before I could
interfere-blew his brains out.
I hurried off to break the sad tidings to the bereaved daughter of
the BISHOP OF KILLYCHICKALOLLADADDY. I told her that her cruel
words had driven him to the rash act.
"Why," said she "I was only solving the Double Acrostic in The
Weekly Whirl of Fashion. Just run back and toll him so I'
I did, but it was useless. So we buried him. He never spoke
again. But then we didn't expect him to do so. If we had wo should
have asked him a riddle. His last words were, "I give it up." We
hadn't the heart to take it though. The bishop's daughter never
solved the acrostic, The Whirl of Fashion never reached a second
number, and the result is that to this day she remains in ignorance.
Such are a few of the awful results of indulgence in Charades and
Double Acrostics, a vice to which we owe all the murders, coroners'
inquests, lunatic asylums, patent corkscrews, brass-headed nails, and
other horrors of civilization.

The Creature's at its Dirty Work Again."
THAT nasty woman, MRS. STOWF, has issued what is called "a card"
in one of the American papers, proving that she is determined to carry
on her profitable task of libelling the dead. She intends to dedicate
all that she clears by the dirty work to the Freedmen's School".
Legree himself could scarcely have conceived a more cruel insult to
the negro than that!


THE original culler of simple : Green.

132 F U -N.*

[DECEMBER 4, 1869.

(\ Ii '-' I ,

LET us take a-No, bang it! That has been done to death. Come
stroll with me in the Street of the Fleet, where there is a hurrying to
and fro. It is a locality flowing with milk and honey-at least not
exactly, for there is no dairy in it, and The Beehive is in Something
Court. No, it is a land flowing with printing-ink and printers' devils
-a land of literature and journalism, where all the showers of frogs
and gigantic gooseberries congregate, and whence all the news of the
day issues to the remote parts of the earth.
And here it is that you will meet all the talent and wit of the daily
press, and general literature. You step in and take a sandwich-and
in so doing rub elbows with a gentleman in whom you do not recog-
nise the Editor of the Morning Earthquake. Or you take a sherry and
bitters, and reaching to the counter for it over the shoulder of a party
in front, you knock his hat over the nose of the author of the last
successful novel or the last new play.
That jolly looking old gentleman is one of the veterans in this army
-a gallant soldier, too, who has fought many a long hour by Shrews-
bury clock, or rather St. Bride's. With him goes an Epicurean of
rotundity. You'd scarce think that he had once tripped along a silver
cord and tied himself into a gordian knot to entertain a large and de-
lighted audience; but he has, and the public enjoyed it greatly.
That tall graceful youth, with the spectacles, is a well-known
littdrateur. He has haunted London for some time, and is a poet too.
Hark, he is singing to himself-though the noise in the street is so
great that you would not hear him if you were not listening atten-
"Down with the Parliament, ho, for the King!
Out with that rope, there's a rebel to swing.
Kiss me that girl with the ribbon-decked curl,
And crack me the crown of yon white-livered churl."
A Compositor who passes him murmurs something about the
gentleman's hand-his meaning is not plain.
The cry is still they come! There's the boy to write you an article
on any subject you like at the shortest possible notice with more
illustration, allusion, fun, and humour than most people could squeeze
into as much space in a twelvemonth and a hydraulic ram. He is

conversing with a giddy grey-haired boy, very handsome in spite of
his youth. Go along dear boy, go along !
Two gentlemen from a neighboring island. One belongs to the
Altar and Crown, the organ of the Constitution and Conservatism.
The other hails from the Sempiternal Semaphore, the journal of the
Nation and Liberalism. The lion and the lamb-" you pays your
money and you takes your choice "-hail from the same Emerald
pastures, good luck to them!
But somebody says this is personal, and must be put a stop to, or it
will be as scurrilous as the London letter of The Jobbing Under-
taker" of the BDicksnmville Hedgehog-Heaven forbid! We'll dry
up at once.
[That's all very well, but we had waited till the last moment, and
this was all that repeated messengers could elicit, in slip of six lines,
from our able Special Reporter, who has not been in Fleet-street for a

A Good Excuse.
INVENTORS may be excused from attempting to perfect the
photographic process. It is a thankless office to be a "process

Une Arriere Pensee.
WHEN the Prince gives up his Harri-ers, of course the farmers
round Windsor don't think it Bob-ish.

"ESSENTIAL oil to make an election run smooth.-Palm oil.

THE Toper's fartell-o Tower.-Cognac.
To AMATEUR ETHIOPIAN MELODISTs.-Act as Niggers, if you are
A RE-d ln-DANT ACT.-Calling the attention of Shortcash to that
little Bill."
WIVEs dress plainly, and show your husbands that you are incapable
of flouncing about the room.


WHY am I sad-so sad the livelong day ?
Oft from my bosom steals the weary sigh,
And down my cheek the pensive tear will stray-
Ah, why; ah, why?
'Tis not that I am friendless! many a face
Beams on me still as in the hours of youth,
And many a hand clasps mine in warm embrace
Of love and truth.
'Tis not that I am feeble; I can tread
The savage steep and lay the red-deer low,
Or swim the torrent when it thunders red
In wintry flow.
'Tis not that I am poor; with loud acclaim
Men tell the glories of my lordly line;
Ancestral acres, riches, honours, fame,-
All, all are mine.
'Tise not that I'm unloved; the brightest -cye
That ever beamed hath blessed me with its ray,
The sweetest lips that ever framed a sigh
Pressed mine to-day.
Then wherefore sad ? ah, here I see I've penned
Five separate stazas, so it's nearly time,
By all the rules of comic verse, to end
My gentle rhyme.
With artless mention of the next-door cat,-
My mother-in-law,-my grinder's aching roots,-
My neighbour's piano- or my sleepless brat,-
Or boots-tight boots.
But as I fancy that in sober truth
A smile thus gained would be but feebly wrung-
I'll leave boots, baby, relative, and tooth
Unsung, unsung.

Fire and Water.
THERE is something in this-if there is not in the guns:-
Officers of artillery complain, and apparently, the Army and Navy Gazette thinks,
not without cause, that, in the mimic actions lately introduced, their guns are
captured by cavalry and infantry under circumstances which would be impracti-
cable in real war. They say that their antagonists march up to the cannon's
mouth with a total disregard of the fact that shot and shell would be vomited
therefrom in real battle, and proceed to capture batteries which would be
unapproachable if anything more deadly than smoke were discharged from their
We can propose a remedy. Let each battery be supplied with a
fire-engine, and play upon the advancing foe. If the enemy can
stand the water, they may be taken to stand the fire.

Sweet are the Uses of Adversity.
THERE would seem to be something logically convincing about a
prison! Look here:-
The Fenian Prisoners confined atPortland are said to have expressed their disgust
at the pretended zeal of their false friends, and to have very strongly deprecated
continuance of the agitation on their behalf as likely to prolong rather than
shorten the duration of their punishment."
Why don't they petition Government to allow the zealous friends to
exchange places with them, if they are so anxious for their release?
It would do them both good!

One for the New Zealander.
IT is reported- say the colonial papers-that the moa-the gigantic
bird of New Zealand-has been recently seen alive by a party of
Germans in the Ruabine Ranges. We have heard of German cozens
before, and we should like ourselves to see moa before we believe.

Good News.
"THE PRINCESS MANtIIERITA "-say the Italian papers-" gave
birth to a son on Friday. The prince has received the names of
VICTOR EMMANUEL FERDINAND, and the title of Prince of Naples."
They forget to add that on the Saturday he was offered the Crown of
A Musical Fish.
WE see that the famous STrADIVARIUS violin has been purchased
by a gentleman of the name of HADDOCK. We should have thought
the harp of 'Errin' was more in his line.




Tinsley's is an amusing number. It contains a more than usually
large and varied number of articles, from which] it becomes
invidious to select any for special notice. The verse is pleasant-the
illustration to George Canterbury's Will" exceptionally good.
They must be hard to please who cannot find within the effective
wrapper of Oranges and Lemons-the Christmas number of Once a Week
- something to suit their fancy. The illustrations are decidedly in
advance of anything the periodical has given us as yet. The story of
MR. SAUNDERS is worthy of the author of Abid Drake's Wife-wo
need to say no more.
The Belgravia Annual is an immense improvement on last year.
Though they are most of them ghostly, the pictures are much better.
There is one exquisite bit of engraving by PAN.NEMAKER (showing what
thattalented engraver can do with slight materials), which alone is worth
the price of the book, as an example of the particular style to which it
belongs. The literary contents are interesting. There is a good
story by Miss BAnnDON, a screamingly funny one by MR. ASTEY 11.
BALDWIN, an amusing one by MA. DUTTON COOK, and a musical
legend in verse by MI. TURNER. Among the less happy contents is
" Cyrus Sydenham's Search," by Mt. COLLETTE, one of the weakest
and worst of the herd of imitators to whom MAi. Giitrr's original
art has given rise. "Changing heads with Captain Copp" is some-
what too like an article entitled" A Curious Experience," which
appeared in FUN last March, but then Mn. C. H. Ross, if we may
judge from the announcements of a Comic Annual," is prone to an
indulgence in the sincerest form of flattery "-imitation.

A Toast.
To the very good health of "BnowN, JONES, and ROIeNSON the
respective and respected mayors of Haverfordwest, lHuddorsfield, and
On the Cards.
IT is said that the performing monkeys at the Holbern Amphi-
theatre are undergoing a course of insuttiatainwhiBt, so that they
may exhibit other "trick acts."

At Sea.
IT is no part of the barber's duty to see-to the ship's cmbings."

[We cannot return unaccepted 2rSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and uwe do not hold ourselves
responsible for lo4s.]
N. A. AM. (Glasgow).-We have no recollection of the previous contri-
butions, but if they are as original as your last-" When is a door not a
door ?-When it's a-jar,"-we fear they have long since lighted fires.
PARNASSus PARSNIP.-You deserve to be boiled for thinking that
"girl" rhymes with "spell."
H. A. S.-We never knew such a H. A. S. before!
FLARE-UP.-Should have sent us a cutting. We cannot hunt up such
F. M1. B. (Dulwich).-Has been done long ago. You offer it to our
excellent journal if not already forestalled "-do you take us for a stable?
G. S. (Birmingham).-You should be able to write a decent hand before
you attempt any other kind of writing. Penmanship should precede pun-
EMILY WINDSOR (Ardwick).-Your disloyalty is mere vulgarity that
thinks itself clever. As for your Sam, we shan't sl and him !
H. L. (Conserva'ive Club, Manchester) will receive an answer when he
attends to our rules.
Q. E. D.-The criticism was correct, but its writer does not seem to have
carried theory into practice. The rhyme you send might pass in a batch-
as a special rhyme to a hard word, scarcely.
THE author of Scylla and Charybdis" pays us a bad compliment. He
sends us a religious squib, which shows that he does not read FUN, in which
we do not allow even clergymen to joke on serious subjects. Besides, his first
line is, Oh, who shall we choose Lot him learn grammar and charity.
PnDAGOGUE-ought to be whipt. We should like to see his pupils
administer the flogging.
Declined with thanks :-An Old Subscriber; Chop; Donahoo; Mark-
lane; Wes; W. C., Kingsland; F. L, Lombard-street; Jim B..lF.LB.;
J. H.; Dan; B.; Barnsbury; H. S., Belvedere; J. S. B., Barnsobury;
Trotters; J. G., Cork; W. 1M.; R. C. L., Dublin; M. W., Dublin; "lFor
shame;" W. F. C. Dumos; Minny; P. C. E. 0., Manchester; The
Thorn; F. A., Walworth; Koscybusko; S. R. T.; "Returned with
thanks ;" Grinder and Co.; A. S., Glasgow; J. S., Finchley New-road;
H. P., kennington; G. C. D., Osweslry; L. V., Dalston; Milo.

DECEMBER 4, 1869.]

131 F U i [DECEMBERi 4, 1869.

Mahlstyak (who has been at it all day for a week making a pre-Raphaelite study of seashore) :-" I sAY SOME OF YOU FELLOWS IN THE
-wE WAS practisin' at you !"

Going Ahead Indeed !
WE are getting so much ahead in this present century, that we are
rounding on ourselves and catching up antiquity. It behoves the sub-
editors of newspapers to be careful that they do not admit, as referring
to recent occurrences, paragraphs that relate to barbarous ages. We
are moved to these remarks by meeting in so admirably conducted a
paper as the South London Press, this relic of the brutality of the
A Memphis jury has acquitted a traveller who shot and killed a cabman for over-
charging him.
This is evidently a free translation of some arrowhead inscription
discovered at Memphis in Egypt. We believe there is a place called
Memphis in America, but even in a country so advanced in civilization,
we cannot believe that such an incident could have happened.

An Utter Absurdity.
WE see that MESSRS. DUNN AND Co. advertise a preparation called
"Fragranta intended to sweeten the breath. Would it not be wise
for the candidates for Southwark to distribute bottles to the crowd on
nomination day, in order to purify their language ?

Give Him Rope Enough.
TIDE-END HOUSE, the dwelling-place of the notorious HIIGG, has
been sold. The untied end of a rope would be the most fitting end
for him.

Mem o' random.
FOR the information of the intelligent foreigner, we may state that
FYeo vil is not a seaport town.

The March of Intellect.
OUR postman a lover of the Chronicles of Old England-reads

NOTICE.-Now Beady, with Numerous Illustrations, price Is.,
Tom Hood's Comic Annual for 1870.

Also, Now Ready, sixteen pages, toned paper, Profusely Illustrated,
price Ttopence,

Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state tha-, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogun, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
whole house.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleetrstreet, E.C.-London: Dec. 4, 1869.

DECEMBER 11, 1869.]

F u


% fair dirtabaga t.

O wonder that REMSKY was nearly worn out by his super-
human exertion. When you consider the number of drums in
the vast army which FIZrOPOFF had got together and the
enormous quantities of peas required to fill those drums, and the
time consumed in the operation, the whole thing seems utterly in-
credible. However if one begins to allow incredulity to interfere with
one's study of fairy history, it is time to abandon that delightful
branch of one's education. I trust none of my readers are likely to
doubt the chronicles of Aphania in which this achievement of
REMsKY's is duly recorded. A well known controversial writer has
taken some pains and devoted some time and a large quarto volume to
proving by logic the incontrovertible nature of this historical record.
But those who remember that a lamented Archbishop proved logically
that there was no such person as NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, we, I think,
shall do wisely not to
relytoo much on logic, ______-__
which seems to be of _
a variable value. We
shall do better to ac- 7! _
cept the unvarnished .-,
statements of the his-
No person in his
sane senses who re-
members the enormous
height to which Jack's
beanstalk grew in a
single night, can pos-
sibly refuse to believe
the story of REMSKY'S
peas, which were per-
haps a large and fine
variety of their class,
like the bean in ques-
tion. The history of
Jack and the Bean-
stalk has survived for
years, defying the
ravages of time and
the incredulous tend-
ency of the age. It
is to be hoped that the
extroardinary narra- 5
tire copied in these
pages from hitherto
undiscovered docu-
ments in the Record
Office, will be accepted
with equal faith and
no less readiness.
Time has given its seal
of authentication to the Beanstalk and established its veracity, but there
is an air of conscious truth about this younger narrative that must
command the belief of all who still retain their faith in fairy tales.
When the Archduke gave the word of command, and the drums of
the whole Nexdorean army hung fire, the Aphanians gave a loud
shout. At the same instant the garrison made a sally. Only the aged
and infirm had been left on the walls. The whole available force had
been drawn up inside the gates armed with everything that could by
any ingenuity be made to do service as a drum. Necessity is the
mother of invention, and as in insurrections the peasantry turn their
scythes into weapons, the people of Aphania made bandboxes do
service as drums.
The garrison, I repeat, sallied out, headed by the Honourable Com-
pany of Kettle-menders, mounted on the donkeys which they em-
ployed in their trade to drag their carts, and armed with tinkettles,
brass saucepans, iron frying pans, copper fish kettles, and other
resounding implements of various shapes and sizes and different metals.
After the cavalry came a miscellaneous body of foot armed with band-
boxes, biscuit tins, and a host of other resonant articles too numerous
to mention. The rear was brought by the corps of washerwomen,
armed with washing tubs, and headed by a grenadier company bearing
large coppers from the laundries.
Such an uproar had never been heard of before in the memory of
the oldest inhabitant. The Nexdorean army consisted of tried
veterans, but their bravery was unavailing against such an over-
whelming force of noises. After a few frantic but vain efforts to

'N 135

get some of their drums emptied, and to elicit some sound from them,
the gallant army, which had issued but a short time before full of hope
and pride from the camp, broke and fled in every direction, throwing
away their drums on all sides.
The Archduke made a gallant but unavailing effort to rally his
troops. He tried to discharge a volley of rub-a-dub-dubs from the
steam drum, which he stoked with his own distinguished hand. But
REMSKY had artfully filled the cylinder with peas, and when the steam
was turned on at full pressure the piston could not descend, though
the peas were crushed into a solid conglomerate by the great horse-
power employed. Seeing that further effort was useless, and fearing
that the boiler would burst and injure the Archduke, FIELD MARSHAL
GAGAGAGGUM let off the steam, and turning the Archduke's charger, led
him off the disastrous field.
Still the Aphanian garrison rushed on, making a terrible uproar and
driving all before them. The Archduke's piebald took fright and
Away dashed the terrified animal, helter-skelter, over hedges and
ditches. The Archduke finding the reins of no use, clung to the
pommel of the saddle and shut his eyes. In vain did FIELD MARSHAL
GAGAGGAOGU shout stop him! You might as well have tried to
put salt on thotail of a
Slash of lightning.
Away went the pie-
bald! It know nothing
of the country over
which it was going at
apace that would have
turned a steeple-chaser
pale. It came to a bank
and rails, rose at it like
a bird--but, alas, there
was a terrible drop on
the other side, and
down it came on its
nose and knees in a
gravel pit.
The Archduke was
thrown, and by ill luck
tumbled head foremost
into a largo drum,
which had been flung
away by his retreating
army. He was hurled
into it with such force
that he was buried up
A, tto the elbows, and as,
like all drums, it witas
tightly packed with
peas he could not by
any means extricate
himself. The horse
picked himself up and
hobbled away with no
Sw orse damage than a
S pair of broken knees,
-- but although he was
a sagacious animal it
never occurred to him to help his master out. The result was that
his Serene Mightiness, when discovered some hours afterwards, had
become quite black-or rather pea-green-in the face, and was in fact
miserably smothered.
The news of his death reached the archducal palace some weeks
later, and was received with universal lamentation. The Archduchess
felt quite lonely now that she had no one to abuse and beat her. Even
NINNIASTERAFINA missed his brutality.
"Poor dear," said the Archduchess, "how playfully he flung his
topboots at you! And to think he should be snatched away in his
"It would be something only to feel his fist between one's shoulder-
blades," sobbed the sister. "It would be at least an assurance of his
"He kicked one with such grace," sighed the wife.
"He flung a plate with such an accuracy of aim!" snuffled the
"He used to p-p-p-pinch one so playfully till one was black and
bubbububublue !" broke out the widow, breaking down utterly.
"He was so v-uvuvuviolent and so googoogoogood!" echoed the
In alternate strophe and antistrophe these two silly women bemoaned
their tyrant as the best man that ever walked probably was never
WinEx does a cask of beer look foolish ?-.When it's stoop-ed.

136 F 1U N [DECEMBER 11, 1869.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, December 8th, 1869.
HINGS do not seem to improve in the City. The circulation of
the famous Old Lady of Threadneedle-street is not in a healthy
state. We are almost inclined to believe that she has foolishly
adopted the pernicious habit of lacing, which the younger belles
are injuring their health with. At any rate, we have heard frequently
that "money is tight "- with some painful allusions to waist, of late
coming from the Chief Magistrate himself !
This is a painful case of commercial prostration, and we can only
hope that prompt steps will be taken to bring her round and restore
her previous pursy appearance. At present her scantiness looks
melancholy as well as suspicious.

Dors it not strike MESSRs. SMITH and WILLING that the railways do
them a great injury by not supplying better lights to their carriages ?
We believe we can note an appreciable difference in the number of
evening papers purchased at this time of the year when it gets dark so
early. What is the use of buying a paper which it is impossible to
peruse by the dull glimmer of the carriage lamp, and which one seldom
has time to look over at home ?
The South Western, in this respect, as in others, the worst managed
line in England, is notorious for the visible darkness of its carriage-
lamps; but recently the London, Chatham and Dover Company would
seem to be anxious to rob them of the distinction.


JoirN AwnRnsox, when our acquaintance began, sir,
You'd hair on your brow like a black silky mat;
In outward appearance you're not the same man, sir,
But grey as a badger and blind as a bat.
Your foolish old wife, who in youth was the toast of
The beaux, and the bloods, and the wits of her time,
Confesses that now she is nothing to boast of,
Though counted a match for her JOHN in his prime.
The loss of good looks while your partner's confessing,
She swears that the frost on our forehead, my love,
Is wintry-no more than as winter's a blessing,
Is frigid-as much as the bright sky above.
So down the steep hill as we journey together,
Your hand for protection, and mine, Jon, to cheer,
We'll brave as we may stormy wind and rough weather-
We'll walk with the strength of each other, my dear.
And when we have done with our grieving and joking,
And when it grows dark at the chill close of day,
We 11 enter the smallest of houses-at Woking -
And sleep side by side ; will we not, MR. A. ?

Reason not Rhyme.
Here is an extract reflecting seriously on some country cousins : -
Sir,-Since my residence in Daventry I have noticed how exceedingly ungallant
the gentlemen are. Often when saluted by ladies, not saluting them in return, or
if doine so, by a nod and a stare. At first I was particularly struck wit i the beha-
viour, but being told such was nearly always the case, I would suggest that if some
kind-hearted person would give a few lessons in politeness to the aforesaid GENTLE-
mEN, for such I suppose they call themselves, I think it would not only show good
will to the ladies, but others might be benefitted byit. Yours, etc.
To which complaint, all we have to say is-
If such gentlemen flourish in Daventry,
The ladies should send them to Caventry

Chip from Chippenham.
"CHInTREN of a larger growth can scarcely fail to be interested in
a fact closely allied to the memorable history of the "Four-and-twenty
Blackbirds." We will not keep them in suspense : a pied thrush has
been captured near Chippenham.
City Mem.
NEW opening in the India-go Trade :-The Suez Canal.

Now the light has grown uncertain,
Light the gas and draw the curtain -
Night draws in apace.
Just about this time of year,
Days grow short-of daylight clear
Scanty is our grace.
1. Know you the land of the lobster and oyster,
Where edibles all are supplied you by Put ?
The former's nutritious, the latter is moister,
And this is the way of disposing of him!
2. Ticking, ticking up amounts,
Sit the clerks o'er their accounts,
And these compare,
With charges there.
3. Had a weak king ne'er placed this on the ships,
His royal orb had escapedd perchance eclipse.
4. If you can guess what this is like,
Upon the head at once you strike.
5. Over the blue-
Over the blue
Ocean to trade in cerulean hue,
Over the blue-
Over the blue,
Ships are dispatched not a few.
6. If those little choristers, dear young souls,
Had not come in with clean faces and stoles,
Bringing this, with the other things used for ablution,
It may be averred,
The poor little bird
Would never have suffered such dire retribution.
7. We have our fling,
We skip and sing,
Few creatures gay as we.
You would express
Your mirth, I guess,
By saying you're like me.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 142.-November, Horrible : Nutwrench,
Octavo, Viper, Error, Miami, Bulb, Enamel, Reeve.

IN The Story of Our CUlonies (HoGG, York Street) MR. Fox BOURNE
whose name is a guarantee for any work, for which research, perspi-
cuity, and a judicial mind are required, has added another success to an
already long list. It is, in fact, a history of our British possessions,
detailing the virtues and vices, the designs and accidents, which led
to the formation and development of our Colonial Empire : "-a suf-
ficiently comprehensive design, but one which Ma. BOURNE has carried
out admirably.
The Rules of Rhyme (same publishers) it would of course be
impossible to criticise in these columns, but we must say, that if the
numerous correspondents who favour us with contributions in verse
would study this little hand-book, they would save themselves-and
us-a great deal of trouble!
MR. HOTTEN, of Piccadilly, does good service by the publication
of a collection of Speeches on Great Questions of the Day, by the Premier.
The book is turned out in a handy and presentable form, like all MR.
HOTTEN'S publications, and will bd a valuable vade mecum for the
young orator or the would-be statesman.

A Sticker !
THE Postmaster General, in connection with the Telegraphs
purchased by Government, advertised the other day in the Daily Setrs
for a contract for the Supply of Red Fur Telegraph Poles." This
is an odd sort of pole compared with the general posts at St. Martin's-
le-grand. There they don't allow the hard-worked subordinates a
chance of feathering their nests. Do they intend to offer them a
chance of a warm lining of fur instead ? But why red fur ? Surely out
of consideration for the letters they should be seal-skin.

THE Weald of Kent before the Wolds of Yorkshire

THE Finest Part of the Show at the Agricultural Hall. The
XX-hibition at the Refreshment Stalls.

F JN .-DI)ECEMBER 11, 1869.


~:~:'' ,1



City Men (gathe? ing eound the Old lady in Threadcedle Street, another Victim of Tight-lacing) :-" TOO TIGHT YES,


7 l


q I



DECEMBER 11, 1869.]


ACT I.-SCENE, Old Villa on the Bay of Naples. SARTORIUS, an old
fiddler, discovered, with FIDES, his daughter.
SARTomRus.-Yes, Fides, your poor old father is by chalks the
greatest composer of this or any other day. But he is very old and he
drivels and slobbers about in a manner which I am sure must irritate
FIDES.-Caspar Albano's opera is produced to-night.
SARTORIUS.-And he never sent me a box, though he is my pupil!
Ungrateful scoundrel! (Drivels.) But I must be firm! (Proudly.) I
am a great composer. (Composes himself.)
.Enter CASPAR.
CASPAR (with appropriate action).-Here is a box for my opera.
SArTomius.- Happiness Fides, go and dress-I want to speak to
Caspar, particularly- (Exit
FIDES). Caspar, above all
things, lead a respectable
life (CASPAR quails.)
Now I'll go and dress.
EBter FIDES (dressed).
FJDES.-Herel am- and
how do I look ?
CASPAR (waving his legs
about).- Exquisite!.- I
love you.
FIDEs.-Caspar-this is
CASPAR (wagging his
lead).-It is.
FiDEs.-But my father _
will not let me marry a
CASPAR (slapping his heart).-I will ask him-If he consents ?
FxDxs.-I am yours. [-Exit FinDs.
CArPAR (winking his eye).-Count, I am going to be married.
CoUNT (a sad dog).-Never! It is ruin to a young man. (Aside.) I
will introduce him to the lovely Princess Leonora Falconieri- she shall
swamp his faculties. [Exeunt to the Opera.
ACT II.-SCENE 1. Saloon of Opera Box. Wild Neapolitans discovered
in opposite box. PRINCESS FALCONIERI discovered with a fat man of
easy manners. Also a Countess in pink net.
PRINCEss.-The first two acts of the opera are charming.
(Fat man waves his hand, with an action that speaks volumes.)
PRINCESS.-Ah, here is Count Carnioli-he will tell us about the
(lst man changes his leg with an air of quiet resolve.)
Enter COUNT CAhNIOLI (Fat man hooks his fingers into his waistcoat
pocket and snifs).
COUNT.-The composer is a young fellow who was formerly a goat-
herd. I took
him from his
goats, educated
him, and this is
the result.
Charming! Alh,
the third act is
COUiNeT.- This
i tis the most ex-
quisite air in the
piece. The
re! Md1orish chief,
\M Ef-Strange, is
Etsupposed to be
Skidding adieu to
the Alhambra.
(The Moorish Chief bids adieu in anl air which suggests a feeble amateur
practising the bass part of a very long and slow choral grace. The sham
audience applauds- the real audience don't.)
PRINccss.-They are calling the composer. (Throws bouquet.)
There! I have thrown my handkerchief too! Hew very awkward!
SCENE 2.--House of PRINCESS FALCONIERI, lately the property of JOIIN
MsILnnDAY, EsQ., and before that, the residence of the Pumpydoor.
Enter the PRICEcsssfronm the opera.
PRINCESS.-I wonder if the young man, Caspar, will call to-night ?
Oh, he will not dare -he must know that the handkerchief was thrown
by accident.

Enter Servant.
SERVANT.-A young man, madarm ; this is his card.
PRINCEss.-'Tis he! Show him up.
Edter CASrAR, he trembles.
PRINCESS.-Are you not well ?
CASPAR (throwing out his chest).-Oh, passing well-passing well!
(thumping his ribs). Down,
little flutterer.
PRINCEss.-May I ask to
what I owe this visit ? It
is 12 p.m.
CASPAR (winding his
watch).-It is-I- a-
PRINCESS. You seem
confused. Have you been
drinking ?
CASPAR (clearing his
throat). Drinking ? No,
I-I-I want to play you a
little thing of my own.
PRINCEss.-Do, (aside.) I -"
will slip out unobserved,
and so shall not hear him! (,
(Does so.)
(CASPAR sits dozen to an organ and plays a long amateur fugue, recognized
at once by the audience as the work of the master who composed the
Choral Grace. After five and twenty minutes of this)
PMNcass (re-entering, in desperation).-Look here. If I allow you
to sit with your arm round my waist, will you leave that fearful
CASPAR (working all over).-I will. (He does). [Tableau.
ACT III.-SCENE 1. Boudoir at Villa Falconieri. CASPAR and
PRINxcss discovered.
CASPAR (crying like a child).-It is now six months since the com-
mencement of our relations (to which I will not more particularly
allude) and you have changed much. You do not love me, Leonora!
Lao oRA.-Ridiculous. I love you considerably.
CASPAR (flinging himself on a sqfa).-No. You love that young
operatic tenor. It is all over between us.
LEONORA.-Nonsense. (CAsPAR weeps, like a drivelling donkey as he
is.) I hate men who cry (And so do we.)
CASPrAR (looking at his ".Bradshaw ").-Farewell! I leave you!
LEONORA.-Stay-I did but jest! (Looking earnestly into his eyes.)
I do love you!
CASPAR (working his right arm).-You do P Ecstacy! I remain!
[Theyg embrace, then exit LEONORA.
Enter a Servant with note, which she gives to CASPAR. lie reads :-
Farewell! I do not choose to let my lovers leave mo-I prefer to
leave them! Leonora."
CASPAR (trembling like a jelly). She has eloped with the tenor. I
will after them! (He afters them.)
SCENE 2.-Some Ruins by a Lake. Enter a person of grotesque appearance
whose name is not in the cast. He nods awkwardly to the audience, who
for some unaccountable reason hiss him. [Exit grotesque personage.
CAsrAR.-They left in a carriage and pair and are sure to drive
through this very intricate ruin.
Enter a carriage and pair, with. small portmasteau on roof.
CASPAR (presenting a pistol, not at postilion, who may fairly be supposed
to have the immediate control of the horses, but at the portmanteau on
the r'oof).-Stop!
The carriage door opens and old
SAnTORIus, apparently maue-
lin drunk, descends.
CASPAR (feeling for his eye-
glass).-My old tutor !
SARTORIUs.-Gentlemen, my
daughter Fides is dead- I am 0 a
taking her home to bury her-
I have packed her in that
portmanteau, and she passes as
CASPAR (tearing out his hair o
by the roots).-Pass on, old man !
The PRINCESS and the tenor '
cross the lake in a gondola.
CASPAR (writhing with internal convulsions).-It is she!
(Dies in great agony).-CURTAIN. '1
OuasELVES.-The piece, (a very unwholesome one), is cleverly
adapted by MR. PALORAVE SIMPSON. On the whole, it is detestably
acted. Exceptions, however, may be made in the cases of Miss KATE
SAVILLE and Ma. COGHLAN. Ma. ALLEhTON makes a ghastly display
of his incapacity. The scenery is commonplace.


142 F U N-T- [DECEMBER 11, 1869.

1. 2ie Learned Plyi. 2. A. Scotch Steer. 3. Calves, not to be exhibited by order of the Lord Chamberlain. 4. Black Cat(L). 5. Prize Kid.

That lays the beef (not prices) low :
THE CATTLE SHOW. And many a bullock fat'll
Ne'er see again his cosy stall
Fao North and Sotheh and West and East Within the Agricultural Hall,
Behold them thronging-man and beast- Where is the Show of Cattle.
Feeder and fodder, guest and feast,
All to one spot they battle-
That building vast, and wide, and tall, HERE, THERE, A D EVERYWHERE.
They name the AgriculturalH HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
Where is the Show of Cattle. ON the 22nd ultimo, at the St. James's, the good old comedy She
Stoops to Conquer, in which MR. LIONEL BaoUoH's acting still con-
Thither by railway snort, and fuss, tinues to be the chief attraction, was supplemented by a burlesque
Or in the crowded crawling 'bus, entitled La Belle Sauvage. It is described as by BROIGHAM, but it has
By Hansom, or in growler wus," evidently been so largely re-written to suit the topics of the day, that
Along the roads they rattle, it is scarcely fair to credit-or rather discredit that gentleman, with
To see the wonders great and small, the halting lines and cockney rhyming in which it abounds. The
Within the Agricultural Hall, scenery and dresses, though scarcely so gorgeous as those of Columbus,
Where is the Show of Cattle. a kindred burlesque, were very fine and telling. The last scene, a
Their talk is all of sheep and beeves, burlesque of Trafalgar-square with a very pretty ballet of Indian
Oil-cake, and mangel wurtzel leaves- maidens, ensured the success of the piece-or rather supplemented the
Small change of topic over gieves efforts of Mu. Bnoros, whose acting as Captain John Smith was
Their guileless rustic prattle; genuinely humourous, and original. Mai. MARx SMITH was very
Such talk monotonous they call effective as King Powhatan, and was well supported in the first scene
Not, at the Agricultural Hall, by his Chiefs in council. Mus. JoHN WOOD, as Pocahontas, was not to
Where is the Show of Cattle. our taste. Her first scene was overweighted with a quantity of
operatic music, which it is no depreciation to say was not sung as it
Well, converse upon sheep and kine would be on the lyric stage. For the rest, her acting was spirited and
In your opinion-and in mine vivacious, though at times it hovered dangerously on the limit which
Most certainly-is quite as fine divides fun from vulgarity. Of a hurdy-gurdy song, all we can say is
As Fashion's tittle-tattle, that since the great SCHNEmDER appeared last at this theatre we have
So say we gladly-long live all seen nothing so-well, so lively.
Within the Agricultural Hall, With the combined attractions of GOLnDSMInTH'S comedy and this
Where is the Show of Cattle. rattling piece of burlesque, the St. James's audience have no need to
complain of short fare, but they have an additional bonnie bouche thrown
Yet, no! Prize oxen must, you know, in, in the shape of A Happy Pair, in which MIss HERBERT and MB.
Succumb at Christmas to the blow, FAnREN perform.

SDECEMBER 11, 1869.] F TU N 143

OVERS of old were, so I

Far better off than we:
If the lady were coy they
force would employ
And carry away of she,
And wed her off-hand-
Yes wed her off-hand-
Yhhether she would or no :
But that was in (you un-
The Good Times Long Ago.

a Debtors of yore noduns could
T bore
As duns bore you and me-
They discharged their notes
by cutting their
Instead of byBanknruptcie-
They scattered their brains-
Yes, scattered their brains-
Whether they would or no :
But that was in (as a friend explains)
The Good Times Long Ago.
Masters as well, as I have heard tell,
Had servants worth more than ours.
If they wouldn't obey they sent them away
To hang from the topmost towers.
They throttled the knave-
Yes, throttled the knaveb-
Whether he would or no:
But that was in (remember, I crave,)
The Good Times Long Ago.
So, truly, if we had chanced to be -
Lover, or debtor, or master,
Why, of course, wouldd exactly have suited we
By a deal, than this present, vaster!
But had we been
Poor fellows mean-
Whether we would or no,
We should not quite
Have felt delight
In the Good Times Long Ago!

The Grand Prize Pictorial Double Acrosti.
VIz have received so many solutions of the astounding puzzle in
the Comic Annual, and the incorrect guesses are so much the more
numerous, that we are thinking of throwing in additional prizes for
the three -oret solutions. First Prize-An out-patient's letter for St.
Bartholomew's Hospital. Second Prize-A land-stowardship, in
Tipperary. Third Prize-The Chairmanship of the St. Panrnas
Board of Guardians.

"M RE y Lodgings are on the" Cool Ground."'
Tins is a new style of Lodger that we venture to submit for the
consideration of our late Tory Premier.
WANTED immediately a Servant-Lodger ; an elderly female who has furniture for
two rooms, and a small private income. She may live rent free, have wages,
and a comfortable home.-A.L., etc.
Dear, dear! We should have fancied an elderly female with furni-
ture for two rooms and a small private income might have a com-
fortable home without doing servant's work. How tremendous the
wages must be that can only be accepted by a person so situated I

Guardians' Grammar.
THREE members of the St. Pancras Board of Guardians, MESSRS. A.
deserve the honour of print-submit copy of a return to the editor of
the .Echo, concluding their letter in the following terms:-
And which we (sic) shall feel obliged by your insertion of the same.
The editorial sc is cruel, the grammar is precisely what we should
expect from sich.

F :yav L xn.-Fayal.
Wrcy is the Suez Canal like an unmistakable snub ?-Because it is
thr cat direct.

IN The Cornhill of course the chief attraction is the continuation of
MR. CHARLES READE'S absorbing story. "The Decay of Murder" is
a curious paper. The other contents are somewhat of the ponderous.
Belgravia is happy in the possession of a sketch, called Our Nice
Servant," by MR. SALA, which reads very like an actual experience.
MR. SAWYER and MR. STIGmAND keep up the standard of the verse, and
the art, with the exception of a poor cut to the leading novel, is of the
usual character. We are quite at a loss to see the meaning of the word
' clinical" as applied to climate in an article on Brighton.
London Society is good this month both in art and literature. It is a
number to-buy because it contains pictures by two artists now deceased
-McGoesanL. and MOnTEN-who showed, more than promise at the
time of'thei- too-early death. The Storyrofithe Red Portefouillo" is
well told With the author of The Romane of Medicine we have
grave reason to find fault. His off-hand dismissal of MR. SKEY's
work on-lrysteria, and his childish carping at thateeminent surgeon's
treatment cannot be too strongly condemned. Ignorance should not
trifle with subjects so important as the treatment of disease, and a
superficially writer like the gentleman-or lady-under notice should
remember thatfitt t.
'Jhirti : at Table is the Christmas number of Tinsley's. It is
scarcely up to the mark of previous- numbers, though it has some
capital sto iemW in it, and the generalbseheme is original in conception.
The fuli pag'illustrations are all exceptionally good, the small initial
wood-cuts- coarse- ant amateurislit.
It isnot out off lhee to note-lhre-tlie appearance of T7e British and
Foreign A ]iefanie, an- admirabl'- scientific paper, which, though still
young;las- establisliedlitself likem -youn g giant, under the able conduct
of Mn. TODi. We- trust that another new-blorn periodical, The
Civilia),. which is to' Be the organ off the Government Clerks, will
follow in this promiBig baby's steps, and run alone as soon and as
We- gladly welcome The Grapylic, which in engraving, papfr and
print,,far surpasses anything The Illustrated ever was in its palmiust
daysi- It is ably written as well as finely illustrated, and opens a new
i ouin pictorial journalism.

A Wrinkle- tr Government.
THE most competent authority on the great question, Fixity '

Judging Distances.
ins- is a somewhat difficult task-we-iave known a man to be ir
gone" even,at his own threaslold.
A T0aouBLESOMu TWIN'."- The Doublejohn.

1iXUstss 12 (SiatsgoiistutSi,

[ We cannot return unaceeptled.'f'SS. or S8etches,, unless they are accom-
panied by, a stamped and directWd onvels4ey;; and we do not hold curselvas
responsWilj.fr loss.1
MAR PUZZLEHEAD.-iOW, do you really think a funer il a good theme
Sto crack a joke about ? If so, we know what v c should like to crack abou:
youn, for you're a man, as your fist shows.
'.. is evidently off his Z.-he has no connection with his next. door
nciglihburs, the Y's.
DOLLAR.-A dollar in your own opinion, but as the Yankees would say,
nary rela)d in the public estimation
Ho, BoaN !-If the piers of the viaduct can't stand the weight of tihe
traffic, we feel quite sure the ponderosity of your verse would finish them
at once.
S. (Liverpool).-In trying to crack that joke you seem to have got cracked
H. WV. (Yeovil).- Pray don't be so thin-skinned. But you are amusing,
so, thank you!
V.'A. G. A.-Wait a bit. lhat answers most of your letter. Thank' !
NEPTUNE.--Well! we'll take your word for it, but your Nep-tune is not
W. F. (Pimlico).-If we receive any further repetitions of that old joke
about "Suez-cide," we shall publish the offenders' names in ternorem. Albo
Declined with thanks :-A. S Glasgow; J. I T., Liverpool; Toodlos ;
W. C., Kingsland; P. L., Ormskirk; W. P., Belsize-road; Nutts; i. S. ;
The Younger Brother; A. K., St. Paul's; R. G. D.; E. C., Liverpool; B.
S. M. D Howland-street; Noddleboad; The Cure; B. W. M., Kingsland;
P. M. V., Leeds; S. S, Cookham; M. M.; Nil Admirari; J. B. F.,
Ainge-road; M., Guernsey; Jack; J. N., Victoria-park; H. S., Belvedere,
Kent; Noodlewhang; O. R. J. C., Aylesford ; B, Highbury; Barnard,
Holyhead; W. W., Heavitreo; F. W. P.; A. C. W. H., Chelsea; X. Y Z.;
Jack-a-Dandy; S. B., Pesky; A. R, Peptiford; S. X.; JI. II Leek;
G. B.; Slipper; J. A. M., St. Luke's.

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