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P1T'T''''''''''''''''' ~1IT TI crjp. ui VOLUME 1 I S S U E FEBRUARY 1Nih-13 13-26, 2006 13-26 SHEVAT L33YJ 5766 0000000 G Ca 00001O-00O000000 00U000,0010 0GOG Heavenly-Haloed Howard A pro-Stem testimonial by Josh E. Kaller How could I omit our favorite Jew- jockey, Howard Stem, from a Jewish newspaper? In my assessment of Stem, I could be wise, sophisticated and tasteful with tact and talent. Instead, I decided to toss class into the air like a skeet target, and aim. All you Ster lovers out there with softly sealed memories of naked cowboys, bountiful breasts, teasing temptresses, tasteless taunts and all that jazz associated with Stem will be satisfied with where this is going. This is not a bashing. This is a gentle revelry, an exploration of Howard Stem's role as part a very impressive class of counter-culture pundits who manage to break balls and barriers. Sure, Howard can be sexist, but he represents something special in the spectrum of cultural freedom. There has not been an individual who has fought more battles with, and paid more fines to the Federal Communications Commission, than Stem. Do not underestimate thephilosophical premise that follows this man's foils. Howard has done for radio what the Kama Sutra has done for picture books. He has proclaimed to the heavens, the FCC, NBC and NYC and his words have penetrated. He is the middleman and the middle- class maven who has a multi-million-man army following his audio assaults. Howard has made an entire nation of people question what is feasibly free for them to think and say. It's 2006, not 1984. Thank you, Howard. You have made sure to take a big bat to big brother. We need people like you to ensure that the tight-tuchessed tyrants don't go too far and take away all the fun in the world. Howard is only a foot soldier in the long line of opponents to oppression. He follows a natural Jewish tendency to fight culture and class through the centuries. Abraham was one of the oldest rebels; he was around way before James Dean spoke the words "blue jeans." Let us skim ahead through the Jewish rebel, files and come across Marx. His thought thumped the world. How about Ron Jeremy? Who said Jews don't have any jewels! True, it is hard to swallow a category that groups our forefathers, freedom fighters and philosophers with a fore-player, but realize that each of these individuals have specifically redefined the boundaries four freedom. (continued on page 3) Hamas Victory Leaves Uncertain Future By Kimberly Gouz University of Florida political science and Jewish studies professors are interpreting the Hamas landslide in recent Palestinian elections, to assess how the outcome might affect Israel's future. Patricia Woods, political science and Jewish studies professor, said corruption and division within Fatah, compounded by the political party's inability to address key economic and social issues within the Palestinian territories, led the Palestinians to seek alternative leadership. She said Hamas, which opposes Israel's right to exist, will be forced to moderate its policies to remain in power. Hamas is currently listed as a terrorist organization by Austrailia, Canada, the European Union, Israel, the United States and is banned in Jordan. (continued on page2) C, b i~. . Valentine's Day -- Matzo Ball Style? Oy Vey! Another V-Day By Josh E. Kaller For senior Matthew Bernstein, roses, chocolates and Hallmark greetings have no significant meaning this or any Feb.14. It's just not Kosher. "Historically, Valentine's Day holds a religious connotation," Bernstein said. The root of Valentine's Day is in Catholicism but with pagan origins. It was first celebrated as a feast in 496 C.E. by Pope Gelasius I. However, the holiday's invention had two intentions: to celebrate (continued of page 3) NewsReal Turlington Plaza is Saved From the Foreskin Stem Cells, Anybody? Editorial Cartoon Letters to the Editor Dear Rabbi Calendar Kill Me...I'm a Hippy Crossword Jew's Reviews Kabbala Losers What's in My Fish? Anthony Rapp-ing Page 2 The Shpiel Hamas (continued from page 1) "All of the tangible things the Palestinian people want a reasonable economic system, security and freedom of movement require peace with Israel," Woods said. "Ei- ther Hamas will negotiate with Israel, or it will run the risk of disappointing the people who voted it into power." Woods said Hamas ran under the platform of forming a clean, transparent and non- corrupt government. "One slogan was 're- form and change,' she said, "and they referred to them- selves as 'Mr. Clean.'" In addition to being an alternative to the Fatah party, Hamas received support as a result of its social welfare pro- grams created by the move- ment for Palestinian Muslims throughout the West Bank and Gaza Strip. "A vote for Hamas is not necessarily the same thing as support for suicide bombings," Woods said. "The movement has been engaged in grassroots work in [Palestin- ian] communities for 20 years, and it has funded schools, hos- pitals and orphanages in the process."' Avraham Balaban, professor of modern Hebrew literature, agrees that Hamas may be forced to moderate its position over time. "It is very easy to be an extremist movement when you don't have control of the real power," Balaban said. "Now that Hamas has control of the government, it will have to become more moderate, to [obtain] support." Kenneth Wald, politi- cal science professor,. thinks differently. He said some mem- bers of Fatah have made their living off of the aid money the Palestinian Authority receives from Israel and the world com- munity, and will be unwilling to give this money up. "The idea of a loyal opposition is not very devel- oped in Middle Eastern soci- ety," Wald said. "I wouldn't be surprised if this election resulted in a civil war between the factions." Wald said the Pal- estinian Islamic Jihad -- a movement committed to vio- lent resistance against Israel - - will also have an incentive to undermine Hamas, if Hamas decides to enter peace negotia- tions with Israel. "The Jihad can pro- voke Israel with military ac- tion, which will make it very hard for Hamas to govern," Wald said. Wald also noted that if the United States and other donors around the world "do what they said they will do" and refuse aid to a Hamas-led government, Hamas will be forced to get funds from coun- tries with anti-Israel policies, like Iran or Syria. "When I put all of this together, I'm just not optimis- tic," Wald said. "I'd like to be- lieve that things will turn out better as a result of this elec- tion, but I'm very skeptical that this will be the case." Israeli Democracy Remains Strong Despite Sharon's Stroke By Michal Meyer and Kimberly Gouz On a December visit to Israel, Avraham Balaban found himself watching political life play out in the wake of Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's first, and minor, stroke. Less than three weeks later, Balaban tuned into the news from his Gainesville home to discover the prime minister had suffered a second stroke that, this time, could be fatal. Despite an uncertain political landscape, Balaban believes Israel's strong sense of democracy will carry the state though yet another trial, the latest in a series that have plagued Israel since it's creation in 1948. "When you read the headlines, sometimes you feel the whole system is collapsing, but this is not the case at all," he said. "Democracy took very deep roots [in Israel], and no one questions it." For many years, Balaban who was born in Israel and returns regularly Looking to.Have Your Voice Heard? Don't Be Shy. We're not. Contribute to The Shpiel Send submissions to kimgouz@theshpiel.org Ariel Sharon in a Nutshell By Shira Kramer 1948: Served with distinction in Israel's war of 2000: Made a controversial visit to the Temple Mount/ independence with.neighboring Arab states. Haram al-Sharif, a holy site for Jews and Muslims around 1953: Founded and led Unit 101, Israel's first special- the world. The Palestinians cite Sharon's visit as the trigger forces unit, created to combat terrorism against Israeli for the Al-Aqsa Intifida, an outbreak of violence that ledto civilians. Unit 101 specialized in counter-terror strikes, the resignation of Israel's then prime minister, Ehud Barak, Sharon invented many counter-terror methods still used in the political crisis that followed. today. 2001: Elected as prime minister after the collapse of Ehud 1967: Commanded an armored division in the Six-Day Barak's Labor-led government. War, in which Israel captured the Golan Heights, West 2002: Launched Operation Defensive Shield to expel Bank, Gaza Strip and Sinai Peninsula. terrorists in the West Bank after increasing fatalities due 1973: Retired from the military and helped found the to terrorism that peaked with the Passover Massacre, a right-wing Likud political party -- the main conservative suicide bombing in which 30 people, many of whom were party in Israel. Holacaust survivors, were murdered. 1973: Called back to duty during the Yom Kippur war, in 2005: Disengagement plan enacted, removing all Israeli which he commanded troops across the Suez Canal into settlers and troops from the Gaza Strip and four settlements Egypt. This daring move helped Israel gain the upper hand in the West Bank. in thewar, establishing Sharon as a war hero to many. December 2005: Formed Kadima, a political party 1982: As defense minister, Sharon oversaw Israel's consisting of members from the left and right, after invasion of Lebanon and the drive to Beruit. During opposition from some Likud members. the occupation, the Israeli-allied Christian militia killed 2006: Suffered a massive stroke on Jan. 4. Deputy Prime hundreds of Palestinians at the Sabra and Shatilla refugee Minister Ehud Olmert was confirmed as the acting prime camps. Sharon was forced to resign after an Israeli inquiry minister, and states he will continue Sharon's disengagement found him indirectly responsible. l. an. for research-- criticized Sharon and his policies. In 1982, he published the first poem against the Lebanese invasion and its architect, Sharon. In Balaban's poem, a dying soldier askshow Israel had chosen a man whose hoarse voice was good only for leading soldiers to the battlefield and how the state had nominated a man who can thrive only on the battlefield, like a mushroom thriving on a rotten root. "It was very harsh, blatant," Balaban said. "I wrote in on Monday, and on Friday it was in the newspaper 24 hours afterwards, Sharon invaded Lebanon." Balaban said Sharon's policy as prime minister follows from the assumption that there is no one to negotiate with on the Palestinian side. But Balaban also noted that many Israelis, fatigued from years of conflictwith their neighbors, were looking to Sharon as a leader who could "miraculously" sort out the situation. "Kadima must overcome the Israeli tradition of centrist parties collapsing," Balaban said. "Once the common denominator- Sharon and his political goals -changes, the glue holding left-wingers and right-wingers together may dissolve." But whatever happens during the Knesset elections in March, patience is crucial. "Everyone who tried to solve the situation quickly, failed," Balaban said. "I hope the leaders of both sides are capable of leading these tired nations into some kind of peaceful coexistence." Let's Play Party Politics By Hillary D'Angelo Likud *A right-wing party founded in 1973 *First came to power in 1977 with Menachem Begin as prime minister *Led by Ariel Sharon from 1999 until 2004, when he founded Kadima *Many. Likud members supported Jewish settlement in the West Bank *A minority of Likud members opposed Sharon's unilateral disengagement from the Gaza Strip *BenjaminNetanyahu, former prime minister and current leader of Likud, opposes current disengagement plans Labor *A left-wing party with roots going back to 1930s Labor Zionism *Labor joined Likud in the disengagement from Gaza *While generally supporting disengagement and peace negotiations, members vary on how peace should be achieved Kadima *Founded in November 2005 by Ariel Sharon after he split from Likud *A centrist party with members drawn from the left and right of the political-spectrum *Favors a two-state solution and a terror-free, demilitarized Palestinian state *Favors Israeli control of Jerusalem and large Jewish settlement blocs *According to recent opinion polls in Ha'aretz, an Israeli newspaper, Kadima would win a majority if voting were held tomorrow Did you know that Israel has more than 30 political parties? .t h e s h pp i e 1 o r g w W.- w The Shpiel Page 3 Turlington Plaza is Saved! By Marc Kantrowitz On a sunny winter afternoon, boisterous bands of students ebbed and flowed through Turlington Plaza. One constant was the Turlington Preacher condemning sex, drugs and Mick Jagger often in the same breath. Today, the preacher was Brother Jed Smock, surrounded by an argumentative crowd, as he sang "I can't get no satisfaction." A one man show, Smock calls himself an "itinerant evangelist." He has spent more than half of his 63 years as a college campus preacher. Though a Methodist, while preaching on campus Smock said, "I only represent myself and the Kingdom of Heaven." Originally from Columbia, Mo., Smock offered his wife as evidence of his success in "saving" people on college campuses. On meeting her at the University of Florida, his first words were, "Repent of your sins, you wicked woman!" The rest is history. For girls, Smock's fornication alternative is renewal and ' salvation from sin in the form of "born- again" virginity. For the guys, he recommended they simply "Marry a submissive girl; you don't want to marry one of those feminists." One girl said: "How can he do that? Is he really saying that?" after Smock called sororities whoremongers and referred to their members as whores. For some students, the preacher's words are contradictory to the point of irrationality. Joanna Sainmervil, a senior in economics and a Christian, approached Smock and asked, "Doesn't the Bible, teach not to judge other people?" No response. After asking a few more times, she realized she was being stonewalled. "He is in no position to judge students, and does not act how a real Christian should." Sainmervil said. "No one can judge but God." Finally, Sainmervil decided the preacher's presence is a stunt rather than a serious attempt at outreach. Those who do receive answers, like third- year Ph.D. student Charlie Meyer, are surprised. Meyer asked the preacher whether he worries about turning people away from Jesus with his S exaggerated antics. Smock replied that people are turned off by their own denial of his message of .truth. As students gathered around concrete tables covered with the banners of different campus Organizations, Smock belted on with chants of "No- No. Ho-mo, No-No Ho-mo," and drew even more people. Smock's own message of social and sexual revolution promotes self-restraint, combined with conservative gender roles and opposition to abortion and same-sex marriage. While Smock has made his presence felt, in the past other preachers have stepped over the line. Last semester, David Miller was briefly detained by the police for disturbing classes in Turlington. He was protesting UF's new Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Affairs section in the Dean of Students Office. Smock defended Miller, a good friend of his, by saying "no office on campus should be catering to sin, sodomy and immorality," or sex of any kind. Is this really the way to reach students, through hellfire and brimstone? Maybe so.. The preacher man in Turlington said it works for him. Chants of "Jesus Christ is in the clear, get the sinners, get the queers" overpowered the plaza's hubbub. Faces in the crowd varied between shock and amusement. The guys made unprintable jokes while the girls huddled together whispering murmurs of disbelief. "Lets get wasted," he yelled mockingly at the crowd. "Let's get laid!" But no* one turns away. Smock is a master at commanding attention. Oy Vey! Another V-Day (continued from page 1) an unknown martyr St. Valentine and to create a parallel Catholic holiday to draw the pagans away from Lupercalia, a Roman festival celebrated for the fertility god. Faunus. This ritual included wool, milk, goats, chil- dren, laughs and a dog. The pagans would sacrifice the animals and make thongs, called Februas, from the skins. They would then whip women as they ran around ancient Rome to ensure fertility. Through the generations, the message was reinterpreted into Snoopy-loves-Snookums cards, heart shaped candies, fluffy red cuffs and a multi-billion dollar industry. This year's projected Valentine's Day spending will be more than 12 billion. Despite this significant sum, not everyone in the world celebrates the consumerism and romanticism of Valentine's Day. Observant Jews and Jehovah's Witnesses both give up the day of love. Jehovah's Witness Nakia Taylor, 20, is one person who ignores the day. "Being Christian entails trying your best to give honor and glory to God, and if I am celebrating a holiday that does not show that my dedi- cation and worship goes to Him exclusively," Taylor said. I'm not doing the right thing." Taylor and Bernstein are the minority on this day. Ami Gavarian, 22, celebrates Valentine's Day as long as he has sonieone to celebrate it with. Though his mother is a Rabbi, she respects her family's choice to celebrate the holiday. "My mother has no judgments," Gavarian said. "She's more like, 'You do your thing. I'll do mine.' From cards to candy, flowers to dinners, Gavarian says he will do whatever it takes to make his girlfriend happy. To all the Valentine vixens: Have no concern for those who choose not to celebrate this day. Jews have it covered. There's always constant flir- tation to be found every Friday night at the dinner table. And there's a re- cent reprisal ofTu B'Av, which is a reinvigorated Jewish love day in which women walked around ancient Israel in white dresses in fields of fruit. Bernstein supports the traditional Jewish approach. "You shouldn't have to wait for Valentine's Day to express your love for your partner," he said. "You can give flowers and candy any day of the week." This Tuesday will be a day like any other for Bernstein, with classes to attend, e-mails to check and phone calls to answer. He might even take his girlfriend out to lunch. But more than likely he won't be caught wearing a leather thong while whipping her in the Plaza of the Americas. - About.com andWikepedia.com contributed to this report. Stern (continued from page 1) Well, I don't-know about Ron, but you catch my drift. Howard is a face at the front of intellectual liberation as our leaders fight for a social norm, a status quo and a mental stagna- tion. I say, "fight on, Howard and company." But to be honest with you, I'm a little sad to see Howard leave the public airwaves and join SIR- IUS radio for a $500 million deal. Who is going to defend the layman's right to be foul-mouthed now? So, the next time people tell you Howard is trash, look them deep in the eyes, throw your fist into the air and spout out, "Fight, you cowards! t h e s h p i e 1 W W W 0 r 9 Page 4 The Shpiel From the Foreskin JDate and e-stalking: A testimonial by Will Pafford Growing up a white Protestant boy wasn't always Christmas and pepperoni pizza. There were many questions I had that made adolescence pretty difficult; questions like, "Can God see me in the shower?" and more importantly, Why is God watching me in the shower?" At the top of my list, however, was a question of great importance: "Will I ever find the Jewish girl who is right for me?" Now, I wasn't completely clueless. I had actually read a Jewish girl's diary once in high school, but it wasn't too helpful. Maybe because it was homework or perhaps because the dating scene was just different in 1940s Holland, but either way it wasn't too applicable for my current situation. I needed the wisdom of a personal matchmaker who would know me, and figure out which Jew I would be most compatible with. In short, I needed an internet dating site. Luckily, there are plenty of racy Jewish meat markets online, the most prominent being JDate. The single greatest feature of JDate, which shoots it right to the top of my e-stalking hierarchy, is the ability to flirt with another member. This gives you the capability to choose from an assortment of flirt genres such as romantic, humorous, etc., until you find that one special phrase that shows just how witty you are at selecting from a list of suggestive expressions. So far, my favorite flirt is a tie between, "I'm here to sweep you off your feet-got a dustpan?" and, "Judging your book by its cover, I'd love to curl up and read the rest." I don't really get the second one, but whenever I read it I always picture myself spooning with a giant book next to a warm fireplace, and I like that image. It's calming. To date, no one has flirted back, but.it might be my own fault for putting up a picture of myself in a tree holding two oranges like they're testicles. Now that I think about it, that photo of me burning a dollar bill, while pretty gangsta, probably wasn't the best picture to try to hook a Jew either. I'm not giving up though, because when it comes to dating I won't settle. I'll go for the Goldman. Stem Cells, Anybody? By David Joshua Weiner Today,'Alzheimer's Disease is slowly killing someone's grandparent, and currently, there is little hope for a cure. All we can do is to watch the slow slipping away of personality and memory; to watch a once vibrant person diminish to a mental state where loved ones become strangers. Aphysical state where diapers become necessary. In time, scientists will develop ways to reverse the effects ofAlzheimer's. They will rebuild damaged brain cells and restore Alzheimer's victims to health. To perfect such treatments, however, may require the destruction of life. So the question arises: "Does Judaism sanction the destruction of one life to save another?" The Talmud, Judaism's oral law, clearly forbids saving one life at the expense of another, by asking the simple question: "Who is to decide which life represents the-greater good?" This raises the issue of stem cell research. There are several methods by which stem cells may be acquired, including from an aborted fetus. According to Jewish law a fetus may be aborted if it threatens the life of its mother. Unlike Americn'-law, the religious, "Orthodox" -- derived laws in Israel, approve the use of such stem cells for research. However, the primary source of stem cells in Israel comes from embryos that never left the Petri dish extra embryos left over from in-vitro fertilization. The Jewish legal status of these is not as clear as those from aborted fetuses. Rabbinical opinions suggest that an embryo does not achieve "fetal status" until it is implanted in the uterine wall. Before this stage is reached, it _0000__ 0000000000000000000 "What can Isay? Ijust have a thing for Jewish guys. " cannot develop into a viable fetus and, having no real "life potential," is not considered "life." Hence, there is no Jewish legal opposition to using such embryos for stem cell research. There is, however, one major qualification. Jewish ', law makes it clear that a doctor may not "create" embryos // specifically for stem cell research. Their initial purpose must be for implantation. Such stem cells must be leftovers. Dr. Yoel Jakobovits of John Hopkins University School of Medicine once stated: "It appears that Jewish legal concerns may be more permissive than is generally understood. Clearly, it behooves us as Jews, to avail ourselves of whatever Torah and scientific knowledge we can, not only as we try to find the Jewish legal guidance for ourselves, but perhaps equally important as we strive to fulfill our national mandate to be a Light unto the Nations." Maybe now we can understand why Rabbi Maimonides, the great medieval sage, stated that, "Knowledge of the Divine cannot be attained without knowledge of the natural sciences." As we strive to reach the Divine we must remember that Judaism isn't just attending Yom Kippur services or a Passover Seder. There are laws that guide us through every moment of our lives, from waking up in the morning to going to sleep at night. These Jewish laws also guide us in any career we choose, be it law, medicine, engineering, business or music. t h e s h. p i. e 1 o r g W W W The Shpiel Page 5 '7F' Q. What does .i Iit mean to be the "Chosen People?" A. Throughout history, Jews have had their share of smarty-pants thinkers creating some history-altering theory, philosophy or movement. So it's obvious that we Jews must be blessed upon high...hold on, sorry to rain on the pomp parade, but how many not-so-cool, corrupt members of the Tribe do we have to make excuses for before we can say, "Alright, we are not so different?" Clearly we can't regurgitate Freud, Marx and Einstein at every Bar Mitzvah, flashing the world a proud smile, and giving a big thumbs-up as we glide on by. It's time to dismount and revisit what Jewish pride is really about. What is interesting, relevant and worthwhile is not simply looking at who these famous over-achievers are but rather at how they became who they are. More times than not, it was through a serious amount of hard work and dedication. "And now, ifyou hearken to Me and guard My covenant, you shall be to Me a chosen people from among all the peoples, for Mine is the entire world. You shall be to Me a holy nation (Exodus 19:5) The Saadia Gaon (Rabbi b. Egypt 882) taught, "The Jewish people are a unique nation by virtue of the Torah." In other words, without the Torah, there is nothing that sets us apart. There is'no hard-wired special gene that makes us different. So then we have to ask, what is the Torah? For now, I'll avoid the quicksand of theology, leaving that for another "Dear Rabbi." Let us say most basically that "Torah" is a spiritual pathway towards deepening our sense of self and hooking back up with our essence, our place of origin (not a reference to Boca Raton). With that said, the definition of a "chosen people" becomes quite different than the "We got it goin' on," theory. Our "chosen-ness" is really a product of our ability to choose ourselves. In this way, all of humanity is looking to find its place, its home and its mission. Jews, with so many big hitters in the history books, have got to be careful not to wait for the next guy to be written up for fulfilling our nation's mission. Every human being contains within himself or herself the unlimited capacity to become truly.great and to bring, real change to a world that so desperately needs chosen people. Shalom, Rabbi Yonah Schiller rabbiyonah@theshpiel.org The Lunar Calendar By Mazal Happy New Year, (If you are an Elm, Maple, Sycamore or Fir). Here we are in the month of Shevat, right in the middle. And that means the 15t of Shevat or Tu B'Shevat, the New Year for the Trees. Right now, the rain waters from the winter months are coming through the ground and into the 'bodies' of the trees, bringing them back to life. Look out your window and see the buds, then break into song, for this is also the time of year for the Song of the Sea. At the end of the month we read the Torah portion about the song that was sung after the crossing of the Sea (following a harrowing escape from Egypt...you remember, no time to let the bread rise, so we ate matzo instead). After they passed safely over the dry land, all the Jews sang together, then Miriam the Prophetess led the women in drumming and dance. Shake your tambourine and sing to the trees it is the Age of Aquarius, Jewish style. gl. gifl of AYVA LON RHOMb4A: BSeOMAN & TRUDE SPILLANE -1 ._ ,I r0) i-I BLVrd . -- .. F r. L 32605 (3S. ) 37-3.4742 9jL /y. aoo00 337-3.a4 I / WWW.G FPTSOF aVAt O.CO1I Did You Know? In Judaism. the husband has three obligations to his \itfe \whenever she requests them. They are as follows (in no particular order): 1. Food 2. Clothing 3. Sex Did You Know? In 1952 Albert Einstein \\as in\ ited to become the president of Israel. . t h e s h D i e I O r W W W Page 6 The Shpiel The Whole Shpiel. and Nothing But the Shpiel Across I1 W-'I 1 1 01 1. 1 UI~ 1 k'IfLM S J LId' I "Ha~ImZka S-; 1 --7 was btm a K- wF hen tie wasn't and now he ig" 48 For this add rmai and hboplI 9 Moiming~ home 11 Not even 13 Betfor the mitnning begins 15 1 114ha tov got u)-.ad with i II I t (iit- .A I.& with ibis 21 ireain i. F.il t I 2-2 What Stni de V *i LAt mift do 23' J3onh asi: insidt .2? A goad place -to dnt out bq "79 -No day but today 3,'Whac~ my~ hunc ii from Down 2 D,-. iV. bramet ff tsi 5 kjri. fc q'. -BEIM: Y : (ill: ? 1. ;'L I 7 i-i.u... prr~i' : pr PIriaI,-1'. hadl '~ Oneofl e 12 F.,-dIA33I wtitibe If .you'e e in te market for a movie. it's often J hard picking from the many films coming out in theaters. Don't \\orry, w we're here to help you choose a movie. Believe me, you'll like them or you'll get your money for this paper back! Okay, so you'll like the movies or we'll feel bad. Enjoy. -Mark Berman Friday, Feb. 17th Date Movie A spoof of romantic comedies written by two of the writers from the "Scary Movie" franchise. Remember that series of movies that spoofs scary movies but isn't really all that funny all the time? ,Ai\vav. it's got Alyson Hannigan (from TV's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer "and "How I Met Your Mother"), so it's got that going for it. Although the trailers look horrendously unflumnv. 14 k n toi save t[Wie I ''I r. 1-3 No longer cmaia '-4 To law down 2 I Wu d L r..:r it.,. r,~,*: R reviews Freedomland Julianne Moore (yay) and Samuel L. Jackson (yay again!) star in this movie where Moore is a single mother who blames an African- American man for the kidnapping of her daughter. Nothing really funny about that. It looks more sad than anything, but it could be good. Friday. Feb. 24th Running Scared Paul Walker (the guy from "The Fast arid the Furious") stars as a mobster... no, never mind. He's going to be pretty bad in this movie, because that's what he does, although the movie around him could be good. It's got the director of "The Cooler" and Chazz Palminteri in it. Something about guns, kids, Russian gangsters and police stuff. Kill Me...I'm a Hippy Josh Gellers W hen did being a young Jewish person become synonymous with being some sort. of materialistic neo-hippie? This Jew is a follower - a bland replication of peers or immediate elders who blindly follows examples of older siblings, older kids from temple and older carbon copies from school. Said Semites love Dave Matthews Band as if the music was the secret to life. With lyrics like "Don't drink the water. There's blood in the water," who could think otherwise? DMB is quite possibly the most overrated and yet religiously cherished musical group in the history of sound, yet each new neo-hippie Jew "discovers" Dave as a magical, blessed, unique finding. This needs to stop! DMB is not the answer, not the antidote and not even a great musical group. Then notice the unnatural affection these Jews harbor for Birkenstock sandals. Maybe it's a throwback to days spent wandering the desert when we Jews needed hard-soled footwear. It's more of an I may not want to challenge the government as my parents did in the 1960s, but by golly I am going to dress like a hippie" sentiment. These bulky, ugly, two-strapped monstrosities with poor ergonomic design display that ever so apparent "I just came back from Israel, and all I got was a false sense of togetherness and these sandals" look. Unfortunately, it looks as though these clunky toe-catchers are here to stay, so just be careful with those leather straps around me I have a tendency to spill Nlanischewitz at inopportune times. Finally, this New Age Jew is more insulated than a house in Antaictica. By staying within the secure confines of a Je\wish bubble, youngg Yids ensure they will have scant contact w ith the goyim who happen to constitute the majority of the U.S. population. These Jews are the ones who say United Synagogue Youth conventions were their favorite high school memories, that their High School in Israel friends are much cooler than their lifelong domestic- school buddies, that Birthright was the most meaningful (and subsequently most socially exclusionary) experience of college, and that Hillel or Chabad not their donns - function as their second homes. It is OK to enjoy a good time spent with people who understand why ham and cheese is inherently gross, but why exclude the kids who enjoy a good pork chop? Soif you see these kids listening to Dave on their iPods, walking in Birkenstocks to a Birthright reunion, do them the justice of talking to them on the street. You might very well be their first step outside the Semitic sphere. Did You Know? Contrary to popular belief, Jews don't have horns! Michelangelo, who sculpted Moses, read a mistranslated description of Moses, seeing "horn" for "ray of light" (they have the same spelling), and the Jews have been horny ever since. t h e s h p i e 1 - - w W. w o r g The Shpiel Volume 1 Issue 1 Executive Director Adviser News Editor/ Production Manager Columns Editor/ Letters Editor Arts & Entertainment LTiitors Director of Operations/ Public Relations Senior Copy Editor Senior Staff Distribution Finance Advertising Fundraising Copy Editors Photographer Art Design/ Photo Editor Layout and Production Rabbi Yonah Schiller rabbiyonah@theshpiel.org Michal Meyer micha@theshpiel.org Kimberly Gouz kimgouz@theshpiel.org Adina Thompson adinamichal@theshpiel.org Carly Cohen carly@theshpiel.org Alison Meyer alimeyer@theshpiel.org Elisa Negrin biz@theshpiel.org Laura Jones ljo@theshpiel.org Tracy Block tblock@ufl.edu Paige Butensky distribution@theshpiel.org Zalman Lubotsky zoro@theshpiel.org Tara Goodin tgoodin@theshpiel.org Marc Kantrowitz mkantrow@theshpiel.org Will Pafford, Shira Kramer Josh Gellers, Tracy Block Jennifer Tamayo, Ivette Mendez, Allison Schiller, Adrienne Browne Jenny Harnish Chippewa@theshpiel.org Cara Bowen-Goldberg cara@theshpiel.org David Greenberg Communications david@greenbergcommunications.com OffyIc ie Suffice The Shpiel Pare 7 Chocolate A Passionate Affair 1lr Mi-chal MaVor What's your relationship with chocolate? So close you'd rather go into hiding ' than share with your nearest and dearest? If so, it's time to focus on the relationships that matter. Chocolate addicts go to . great lengths to justify their habits, while those not passionately attached to the stuff always spoil the fun. It gives you pimples, they say. It makes you fat and hurts your heart. For years, kind friends have warned me about chocolate's dark side. But, finally, science is on my side. Chocolate, like green tea, contains high levels of antioxidants that stop those nasty free radicals from damaging cells. Given a choice between the two, which would you prefer? Moderate chocolate eating.is also linked to lower blood pressure, says a recent Italian study. Of course, there'll always be spoilsports who point out that other, non-chocolatey, effects play a part. Don't believe them! So take heart, because you may be doing it a favor with that piece of chocolate. Here is a recipe that combines dark and light, bittersweet chocolate and sweet meringue. Pavlova 4 egg whites 1 cup sugar 1 tsp vanilla essence 1 tsp vinegar topping 3 i ounces dark chocolate 2 egg yolks 4 Tbsp water 1 cup whipping cream fruit for garnish Pre-heat oven to very high. Line an oven tray with aluminum foil. Beat egg whites with 1 tablespoon of sugar until stiff and shiny. Add half of remaining sugar, beat for one minute. Fold in rest of sugar, vanilla, and vinegar. Carefully mound mixture onto foil. Now create a circle about 3 inches high, leaving a dip in the middle of the mixture. Put in oven and immediately turn heat to very low. Leave in oven for 1 hour. The outside of the meringue should be crisp and crunchy while the inside remains soft. Put on a rack to cool. Once the pavlova has cooled, make the chocolate topping. Break chocolate into small pieces and add the water. Melt over a double boiler, stirring regularly. Once the chocolate has melted, add one egg yolk and stir. Cook over a very low heat for one minute and then add the second yolk. Turn off the heat but keep stirring for another minute. Let cool slightly then pour the chocolate mixture onto the middle of the meringue. Spread the chocolate evenly. Just before serving, whip cream and spread over meringue. Garnish with slices of strawberries, oranges, banana, or whatever fruit happens to be in season. That's it; I have to rush off now and find some chocolate! .Corm tco Ih- 3r f"-.'-, , ot irhe J. Wa,. r, e ei z e ni,!on .. We '..f '... ,- n 6 n d .. .:: ,>' *' i _ Hillel at UF Asks: Is there a Jewish Santa Claus? Yes Virginia, there is a Jewish Santa Claus! UF Hillel will be giving away a brand new $300,000 house to one lucky winner. You think you aren't lucky enough to be that winner? That's ok we're actually going to make lots of people winners. With only 5,000 tickets sold and 63 prizes awarded, you have a 1 in 80'chance of winning a prize. But what type of prizes can I win? Am I gonna get some lousy t-shirt? NO!!' Prizes include a 2 year lease on a new Volvo, a new boat, free airline tickets, a week in a condo in St Augustine, 3 nights in any Ritz Carlton in the world, 2 nights at the Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas including dinner and show tickets to Mama Mia. There are Gator Football tickets and Gator Football parking. There are electronics and much, much more. For more information, go to http://ufhillel.org/raffle.php or email diane@ufhillel.org w~~ w w - -I ----L CI~^I~I-~F;~-~E=~L-rP~PB~ II, I, t h e 1 W W W o r g e s h p Page 8 The Shpiel KSbbIla Losers There's A What In My By Leo Stein H ey Britney, listen up. We need to chat about this whole Kabbala thing. It is okay. You can take it. I mean, you are 'not that innocent' anyway, right? I heard you got a tattoo of Hebrew letters. I did some research and found out that the Hebrew inked onto your body actually comes from an old mystical chanting that means "white-trash- desperate-for-attention-meshuginah." It is amazing how much meaning three letters have. It fits you well. But honestly, I would be lying if I told you anything fits you well. I guess the problem is me. Maybe I should be more accepting, drink some more Kabbala water or something. I just don't understand this whole shtick you're doing with Judaism. Do you even know what Kabbala means? No, it is not a Jewish-traditional bread! In fact, I bet you do not know a thing about our culture. It is like that song where you say, "I'm a Slave for You." Were you paying homage to the Jewish people's suffering in Egypt or simply alluding to your disturbingly erotic relationship with your husband, Kevin? By the way, please spare me the intimate details of your relationship with your husband. I already have enough garbage in my trash can. Britney, I believe in your Kabbala-ness as much as I laugh at the irony of Madonna singing "Like a Virgin." But hey, 1 even enjoy her more than some kazoo-voice-of-a-singer. Oh Britney, if I could just "Hit You Baby One More Time" with some Torah, I would teach you an old Talmudic lesson: No matter how hard you try, you just cannot teach anold dog new tricks, uncLss. of course, she can lip synch her way out of it. Anthony Rapp-ing By Leo Stein B roadway and silver screen starAnthony Rapp spoke to an energetic crowd on January 25 at the Phillips Center for the Performing Arts. Rapp is best known for the Broadway role of Mark Cohen, in the remarkably successful rock opera Rent. Even more notable (at least in my humble opinion) was his role in Dazed and Confused, in which he dreamed he was getting it on with Abraham Lincoln (I shtick you not). Rapp's on-stage shpiel was followed by a frantic question-and-answer session that seemed even more impassioned than a Beatles concert. It isn't that often a Broadway play features a Jew as the main character, so it was only fitting that I beat down the screaming fans and thespians to ask him a few Jewish-y questions. I spoke with Rapp about a recent trip to Israel for Rent's movie premiere. Shpiel: What in your life is not kosher? AR: The political situation in the current administration in tlfis country, that is definitely not kosher to me. Also, the sc-apegoating of gays and lesbians in the last election is not kosher to me. Shpiel: What is, the most kick-ass thing about being in Israel? AR: The hummus-unbelievable. Unbelievably great. I Fish? By Elisa Negrin O ne of the greatest culinary mysteries of all time remains the notorious Gefilte Fish. As inexplicably omnipresent as the infamous holiday fruitcake of our non- Jewish brethren, gefilte fish is the unrelenting, steadfast appetizer of the Jew\ish holiday Fool Facts table. w 1-, Full of yummy, lip-smackinmg-.... -' .- .... --. . ingredients such as carp, pike or whitefish mixed with eggs, matzo meal and seasonings, the gefilte fish is then shaped into cute little balls and simmered in a delightful vegetable mush. To cover up the taste, serve it chilled with plenty of horseradish. But wait, there's more! Ladies and Gentlemen, this jar of fish even comes with its own deliciously-smelling and scrumptiously-tasting jelly. Some of the most bold and daring Jews prefer to drink the jelly from a straw, but we don't recommend this. In fact, unless you are a seasoned veteran, we advise a thorough dejellification of your fish. Shpiel This newspaper, meshuggenah. Actually, it means a long presentation or talk Yenta An older gossipy woman who enjoys matchmaking and name trashing Shema Most famous and important prayer in Judaism that sums up the meaning of being Jewish (Hear! Oh Curious, ask a Rabbi) Chabad A Jewish Hasidic movement known for their hospitality and mellowness (only joking!) don't know why, I mean, it's the same ingredients. Shpiel: Can you talk a little more on what Israel was like for you? AR: I was blown away. There's this incredible energy there. It's so vibrant and alive. But it's a troubled place too. I thought the people were very forthright. They were really open, Kabbala The deepest study of the Torah's messages and unfortunately the trendiest scam Torah The Five Books of Moses, the Prophets, The Hebrew Writings and a special section for that long bar-mitzvah portion. Birthright The always-winning lottery ticket for Jews! Imagine going to Israel for free because you're Jewish (or "say" you're Jewish) By Arieh Alkali outspoken. And then there's Jerusalem, crazy. It's amazing that there's this place with all these myths and stories and legends. And it's all in this one place. It doesn't make any sense it all happened there. Everyone has all these stories, and I don't know what they could do to make things better over there. I wish the people could listen to each other or do something. Shpiel: Thank you much and take care. AR: Shalom. Shpiel: Shalom. very There you have it readers. Bet you didn't know Anthony Rapp spoke Hebrew. w w w t h e s h p i e 1 0 r , r 75 |