The Shpiel ( February 13, 2006 )

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Heavenly-Haloed

Howard
A pro-Stem testimonial
by Josh E. Kaller

How could I omit our favorite Jew-
jockey, Howard Stem, from a Jewish
newspaper? In my assessment of
Stem, I could be wise, sophisticated
and tasteful with tact and talent. Instead, I decided
to toss class into the air like a skeet target, and aim.
All you Ster lovers out there with softly sealed
memories of naked cowboys, bountiful breasts, teasing
temptresses, tasteless taunts and all that jazz associated
with Stem will be satisfied with where this is going. This
is not a bashing. This is a gentle revelry, an exploration
of Howard Stem's role as part a very impressive class of
counter-culture pundits who manage to break balls and
barriers.
Sure, Howard can be sexist, but he represents
something special in the spectrum of cultural freedom.
There has not been an individual who has fought
more battles with, and paid more fines to the Federal
Communications Commission, than Stem. Do not
underestimate thephilosophical premise that follows this
man's foils. Howard has done for radio what the Kama
Sutra has done for picture books. He has proclaimed to
the heavens, the FCC, NBC and NYC and his words have
penetrated. He is the middleman and the middle- class
maven who has a multi-million-man army following his
audio assaults.
Howard has made an entire nation of people
question what is feasibly free for them to think and say.
It's 2006, not 1984. Thank you, Howard. You have made
sure to take a big bat to big brother. We need people like
you to ensure that the tight-tuchessed tyrants don't go
too far and take away all the fun in the world.
Howard is only a foot soldier in the long line of
opponents to oppression. He follows a natural Jewish
tendency to fight culture and class through the centuries.
Abraham was one of the oldest rebels; he was around
way before James Dean spoke the words "blue jeans."
Let us skim ahead through the Jewish rebel, files and
come across Marx. His thought thumped the world.
How about Ron Jeremy? Who said Jews don't have any
jewels! True, it is hard to swallow a category that groups
our forefathers, freedom fighters and philosophers with
a fore-player, but realize that each of these individuals
have specifically redefined the boundaries four freedom.
(continued on page 3)


Hamas Victory Leaves Uncertain Future
By Kimberly Gouz


University of Florida political science
and Jewish studies professors are interpreting
the Hamas landslide in recent Palestinian
elections, to assess how the outcome might
affect Israel's future.
Patricia Woods, political science and
Jewish studies professor, said corruption
and division within Fatah, compounded
by the political party's inability to address
key economic and social issues within the


Palestinian territories, led the Palestinians
to seek alternative leadership.
She said Hamas, which opposes
Israel's right to exist, will be forced to
moderate its policies to remain in power.
Hamas is currently listed as
a terrorist organization by Austrailia,
Canada, the European Union, Israel, the
United States and is banned in Jordan.
(continued on page2)


C,
b


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Valentine's Day -- Matzo Ball Style?

Oy Vey! Another V-Day
By Josh E. Kaller


For senior Matthew Bernstein, roses,
chocolates and Hallmark greetings have no
significant meaning this or any Feb.14. It's
just not Kosher.
"Historically, Valentine's Day holds
a religious connotation," Bernstein said.


The root of Valentine's Day is in
Catholicism but with pagan origins. It was
first celebrated as a feast in 496 C.E. by
Pope Gelasius I. However, the holiday's
invention had two intentions: to celebrate
(continued of page 3)


NewsReal
Turlington Plaza is Saved
From the Foreskin
Stem Cells, Anybody?


Editorial Cartoon
Letters to the Editor
Dear Rabbi
Calendar
Kill Me...I'm a Hippy


Crossword
Jew's Reviews
Kabbala Losers
What's in My Fish?
Anthony Rapp-ing






Page 2 The Shpiel

Hamas
(continued from page 1)
"All of the tangible
things the Palestinian people
want a reasonable economic
system, security and freedom
of movement require peace
with Israel," Woods said. "Ei-
ther Hamas will negotiate with
Israel, or it will run the risk of
disappointing the people who
voted it into power."
Woods said Hamas ran
under the platform of forming
a clean, transparent and non-
corrupt government.
"One slogan was 're-
form and change,' she said,
"and they referred to them-
selves as 'Mr. Clean.'"
In addition to being an
alternative to the Fatah party,
Hamas received support as a
result of its social welfare pro-
grams created by the move-
ment for Palestinian Muslims
throughout the West Bank and
Gaza Strip.
"A vote for Hamas
is not necessarily the same
thing as support for suicide
bombings," Woods said. "The
movement has been engaged
in grassroots work in [Palestin-
ian] communities for 20 years,
and it has funded schools, hos-
pitals and orphanages in the
process."'
Avraham Balaban,
professor of modern Hebrew
literature, agrees that Hamas
may be forced to moderate its
position over time.
"It is very easy to be
an extremist movement when
you don't have control of the
real power," Balaban said.
"Now that Hamas has control
of the government, it will have
to become more moderate, to
[obtain] support."


Kenneth Wald, politi-
cal science professor,. thinks
differently.
He said some mem-
bers of Fatah have made their
living off of the aid money the
Palestinian Authority receives
from Israel and the world com-
munity, and will be unwilling
to give this money up.
"The idea of a loyal
opposition is not very devel-
oped in Middle Eastern soci-
ety," Wald said. "I wouldn't
be surprised if this election
resulted in a civil war between
the factions."
Wald said the Pal-
estinian Islamic Jihad -- a
movement committed to vio-
lent resistance against Israel -
- will also have an incentive to
undermine Hamas, if Hamas
decides to enter peace negotia-
tions with Israel.
"The Jihad can pro-
voke Israel with military ac-
tion, which will make it very
hard for Hamas to govern,"
Wald said.
Wald also noted that
if the United States and other
donors around the world "do
what they said they will do"
and refuse aid to a Hamas-led
government, Hamas will be
forced to get funds from coun-
tries with anti-Israel policies,
like Iran or Syria.
"When I put all of this
together, I'm just not optimis-
tic," Wald said. "I'd like to be-
lieve that things will turn out
better as a result of this elec-
tion, but I'm very skeptical
that this will be the case."


Israeli Democracy Remains Strong

Despite Sharon's Stroke
By Michal Meyer and Kimberly Gouz


On a December visit
to Israel, Avraham
Balaban found himself
watching political life play
out in the wake of Prime
Minister Ariel Sharon's
first, and minor, stroke.
Less than three
weeks later, Balaban
tuned into the news from
his Gainesville home to
discover the prime minister
had suffered a second stroke
that, this time, could be
fatal.
Despite an uncertain
political landscape, Balaban
believes Israel's strong
sense of democracy will
carry the state though yet
another trial, the latest in
a series that have plagued
Israel since it's creation in
1948.
"When you read
the headlines, sometimes
you feel the whole system
is collapsing, but this is
not the case at all," he said.
"Democracy took very deep
roots [in Israel], and no one
questions it."
For many years,
Balaban who was born in
Israel and returns regularly

Looking to.Have Your
Voice Heard? Don't Be Shy.
We're not.
Contribute to The Shpiel
Send submissions to
kimgouz@theshpiel.org


Ariel Sharon in a Nutshell
By Shira Kramer
1948: Served with distinction in Israel's war of 2000: Made a controversial visit to the Temple Mount/
independence with.neighboring Arab states. Haram al-Sharif, a holy site for Jews and Muslims around
1953: Founded and led Unit 101, Israel's first special- the world. The Palestinians cite Sharon's visit as the trigger
forces unit, created to combat terrorism against Israeli for the Al-Aqsa Intifida, an outbreak of violence that ledto
civilians. Unit 101 specialized in counter-terror strikes, the resignation of Israel's then prime minister, Ehud Barak,
Sharon invented many counter-terror methods still used in the political crisis that followed.
today. 2001: Elected as prime minister after the collapse of Ehud
1967: Commanded an armored division in the Six-Day Barak's Labor-led government.
War, in which Israel captured the Golan Heights, West 2002: Launched Operation Defensive Shield to expel
Bank, Gaza Strip and Sinai Peninsula. terrorists in the West Bank after increasing fatalities due
1973: Retired from the military and helped found the to terrorism that peaked with the Passover Massacre, a
right-wing Likud political party -- the main conservative suicide bombing in which 30 people, many of whom were
party in Israel. Holacaust survivors, were murdered.
1973: Called back to duty during the Yom Kippur war, in 2005: Disengagement plan enacted, removing all Israeli
which he commanded troops across the Suez Canal into settlers and troops from the Gaza Strip and four settlements
Egypt. This daring move helped Israel gain the upper hand in the West Bank.
in thewar, establishing Sharon as a war hero to many. December 2005: Formed Kadima, a political party
1982: As defense minister, Sharon oversaw Israel's consisting of members from the left and right, after
invasion of Lebanon and the drive to Beruit. During opposition from some Likud members.
the occupation, the Israeli-allied Christian militia killed 2006: Suffered a massive stroke on Jan. 4. Deputy Prime
hundreds of Palestinians at the Sabra and Shatilla refugee Minister Ehud Olmert was confirmed as the acting prime
camps. Sharon was forced to resign after an Israeli inquiry minister, and states he will continue Sharon's disengagement
found him indirectly responsible. l. an.


for research-- criticized
Sharon and his policies. In
1982, he published the first
poem against the Lebanese
invasion and its architect,
Sharon.
In Balaban's poem, a
dying soldier askshow Israel
had chosen a man whose


hoarse voice was good
only for leading soldiers to
the battlefield and how the
state had nominated a man
who can thrive only on the
battlefield, like a mushroom
thriving on a rotten root.
"It was very harsh,
blatant," Balaban said. "I
wrote in on Monday, and
on Friday it was in the
newspaper 24 hours
afterwards, Sharon invaded
Lebanon."
Balaban said
Sharon's policy as prime


minister follows from the
assumption that there is no
one to negotiate with on the
Palestinian side.
But Balaban also
noted that many Israelis,
fatigued from years of
conflictwith their neighbors,
were looking to Sharon
as a leader who could
"miraculously" sort out the
situation.
"Kadima must
overcome the Israeli
tradition of centrist parties
collapsing," Balaban
said. "Once the common
denominator- Sharon and
his political goals -changes,
the glue holding left-wingers
and right-wingers together
may dissolve."
But whatever
happens during the Knesset
elections in March, patience
is crucial.
"Everyone who
tried to solve the situation
quickly, failed," Balaban
said. "I hope the leaders of
both sides are capable of
leading these tired nations
into some kind of peaceful
coexistence."


Let's Play Party Politics


By Hillary D'Angelo
Likud
*A right-wing party founded in
1973
*First came to power in 1977
with Menachem Begin as
prime minister
*Led by Ariel Sharon from
1999 until 2004, when he
founded Kadima
*Many. Likud members
supported Jewish settlement in
the West Bank
*A minority of Likud members
opposed Sharon's unilateral
disengagement from the Gaza
Strip
*BenjaminNetanyahu, former
prime minister and current
leader of Likud, opposes
current disengagement plans

Labor
*A left-wing party with roots
going back to 1930s Labor
Zionism
*Labor joined Likud in the
disengagement from Gaza


*While generally supporting
disengagement and peace
negotiations, members vary on
how peace should be achieved

Kadima
*Founded in November 2005
by Ariel Sharon after he split
from Likud
*A centrist party with members
drawn from the left and right
of the political-spectrum
*Favors a two-state solution
and a terror-free, demilitarized
Palestinian state
*Favors Israeli control of
Jerusalem and large Jewish
settlement blocs
*According to recent opinion
polls in Ha'aretz, an Israeli
newspaper, Kadima would
win a majority if voting were
held tomorrow

Did you know that
Israel has more than 30
political parties?


.t h e s h pp i e 1 o r g


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The Shpiel Page 3


Turlington Plaza is Saved!
By Marc Kantrowitz


On a sunny winter
afternoon, boisterous bands
of students ebbed and
flowed through Turlington
Plaza. One constant was
the Turlington Preacher
condemning sex, drugs
and Mick Jagger often
in the same breath. Today,
the preacher was Brother
Jed Smock, surrounded by
an argumentative crowd,
as he sang "I can't get no
satisfaction."
A one man show,
Smock calls himself an
"itinerant evangelist." He
has spent more than half
of his 63 years as a college
campus preacher. Though a
Methodist, while preaching
on campus Smock said, "I
only represent myself and
the Kingdom of Heaven."
Originally from
Columbia, Mo., Smock
offered his wife as evidence
of his success in "saving"
people on college campuses.
On meeting her at the
University of Florida, his
first words were, "Repent
of your sins, you wicked
woman!" The rest is


history.
For girls,
Smock's fornication
alternative is
renewal and '
salvation from sin in
the form of "born-
again" virginity.
For the guys, he
recommended they
simply "Marry a
submissive girl;
you don't want to
marry one of those
feminists."
One girl
said: "How can
he do that? Is he
really saying that?" after
Smock called sororities
whoremongers and referred
to their members as whores.
For some students,
the preacher's words are
contradictory to the point
of irrationality. Joanna
Sainmervil, a senior in
economics and a Christian,
approached Smock and
asked, "Doesn't the Bible,
teach not to judge other
people?" No response. After
asking a few more times,
she realized she was being


stonewalled. "He is in no
position to judge students,
and does not act how a
real Christian should."
Sainmervil said. "No one
can judge but God."
Finally, Sainmervil
decided the preacher's
presence is a stunt rather
than a serious attempt at
outreach.
Those who do
receive answers, like third-
year Ph.D. student Charlie
Meyer, are surprised. Meyer
asked the preacher whether
he worries about turning


people away from
Jesus with his
S exaggerated antics.
Smock replied that
people are turned off
by their own denial
of his message of
.truth.
As students
gathered around
concrete tables
covered with
the banners of
different campus
Organizations,
Smock belted on
with chants of "No-
No. Ho-mo, No-No Ho-mo,"
and drew even more people.
Smock's own message of
social and sexual revolution
promotes self-restraint,
combined with conservative
gender roles and opposition
to abortion and same-sex
marriage.
While Smock has
made his presence felt, in
the past other preachers
have stepped over the line.
Last semester, David Miller
was briefly detained by
the police for disturbing
classes in Turlington. He


was protesting UF's new
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual
and Transgender Affairs
section in the Dean of
Students Office. Smock
defended Miller, a good
friend of his, by saying "no
office on campus should be
catering to sin, sodomy and
immorality," or sex of any
kind.
Is this really the way
to reach students, through
hellfire and brimstone?
Maybe so.. The preacher
man in Turlington said it
works for him.
Chants of "Jesus
Christ is in the clear, get
the sinners, get the queers"
overpowered the plaza's
hubbub. Faces in the crowd
varied between shock and
amusement. The guys made
unprintable jokes while
the girls huddled together
whispering murmurs of
disbelief.
"Lets get wasted," he yelled
mockingly at the crowd.
"Let's get laid!"
But no* one turns
away. Smock is a master at
commanding attention.


Oy Vey! Another V-Day
(continued from page 1)
an unknown martyr St. Valentine and to create a parallel Catholic holiday
to draw the pagans away from Lupercalia, a Roman festival celebrated
for the fertility god. Faunus. This ritual included wool, milk, goats, chil-
dren, laughs and a dog. The pagans would sacrifice the animals and make
thongs, called Februas, from the skins. They would then whip women as
they ran around ancient Rome to ensure fertility.
Through the generations, the message was reinterpreted into
Snoopy-loves-Snookums cards, heart shaped candies, fluffy red cuffs
and a multi-billion dollar industry. This year's projected Valentine's Day
spending will be more than 12 billion. Despite this significant sum, not
everyone in the world celebrates the consumerism and romanticism of
Valentine's Day. Observant Jews and Jehovah's Witnesses both give up
the day of love. Jehovah's Witness Nakia Taylor, 20, is one person who
ignores the day.
"Being Christian entails trying your best to give honor and glory
to God, and if I am celebrating a holiday that does not show that my dedi-
cation and worship goes to Him exclusively," Taylor said. I'm not doing
the right thing."
Taylor and Bernstein are the minority on this day.
Ami Gavarian, 22, celebrates Valentine's Day as long as he has
sonieone to celebrate it with. Though his mother is a Rabbi, she respects
her family's choice to celebrate the holiday.
"My mother has no judgments," Gavarian said. "She's more like,
'You do your thing. I'll do mine.'
From cards to candy, flowers to dinners, Gavarian says he will
do whatever it takes to make his girlfriend happy.


To all the Valentine vixens: Have no concern for those who choose
not to celebrate this day. Jews have it covered. There's always constant flir-
tation to be found every Friday night at the dinner table. And there's a re-
cent reprisal ofTu B'Av, which is a reinvigorated Jewish love day in which
women walked around ancient Israel in white dresses in fields of fruit.
Bernstein supports the traditional Jewish approach.
"You shouldn't have to wait for Valentine's Day to express your love
for your partner," he said. "You can give flowers and candy any day of the
week."
This Tuesday will be a day like any other for Bernstein, with classes
to attend, e-mails to check and phone calls to answer. He might even take
his girlfriend out to lunch. But more than likely he won't be caught wearing
a leather thong while whipping her in the Plaza of the Americas.
- About.com andWikepedia.com contributed to this report.


Stern
(continued from page 1)


Well, I don't-know about Ron, but
you catch my drift.
Howard is a face at the
front of intellectual liberation as
our leaders fight for a social norm,
a status quo and a mental stagna-
tion. I say, "fight on, Howard and
company." But to be honest with
you, I'm a little sad to see Howard


leave the public airwaves and join SIR-
IUS radio for a $500 million deal. Who
is going to defend the layman's right to
be foul-mouthed now?
So, the next time people tell you
Howard is trash, look them deep in the
eyes, throw your fist into the air and
spout out, "Fight, you cowards!


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Page 4 The Shpiel


From the

Foreskin
JDate and e-stalking: A testimonial
by Will Pafford

Growing up a white Protestant boy wasn't
always Christmas and pepperoni pizza.
There were many questions I had that made adolescence
pretty difficult; questions like, "Can God see me in the
shower?" and more importantly, Why is God watching me
in the shower?" At the top of my list, however, was a question
of great importance: "Will I ever find the Jewish girl who is
right for me?"
Now, I wasn't completely clueless. I had actually read a
Jewish girl's diary once in high school, but it wasn't too
helpful. Maybe because it was homework or perhaps because
the dating scene was just different in 1940s Holland, but either
way it wasn't too applicable for my current situation. I needed
the wisdom of a personal matchmaker who would know me,
and figure out which Jew I would be most compatible with. In
short, I needed an internet dating site.
Luckily, there are plenty of racy Jewish meat markets online,
the most prominent being JDate. The single greatest feature
of JDate, which shoots it right to the top of my e-stalking
hierarchy, is the ability to flirt with another member. This
gives you the capability to choose from an assortment of flirt
genres such as romantic, humorous, etc., until you find that one
special phrase that shows just how witty you are at selecting
from a list of suggestive expressions. So far, my favorite flirt
is a tie between, "I'm here to sweep you off your feet-got a
dustpan?" and, "Judging your book by its cover, I'd love to
curl up and read the rest." I don't really get the second one,
but whenever I read it I always picture myself spooning with
a giant book next to a warm fireplace, and I like that image.
It's calming.
To date, no one has flirted back, but.it might be my own fault
for putting up a picture of myself in a tree holding two oranges
like they're testicles. Now that I think about it, that photo of
me burning a dollar bill, while pretty gangsta, probably wasn't
the best picture to try to hook a Jew either. I'm not giving up
though, because when it comes to dating I won't settle. I'll go
for the Goldman.


Stem Cells, Anybody?
By David Joshua Weiner


Today,'Alzheimer's Disease is slowly killing someone's grandparent, and
currently, there is little hope for a cure. All we can do is to watch the slow
slipping away of personality and memory; to watch a once vibrant person diminish
to a mental state where loved ones become strangers. Aphysical state where diapers
become necessary.
In time, scientists will develop ways to reverse the effects ofAlzheimer's.
They will rebuild damaged brain cells and restore Alzheimer's victims to health.
To perfect such treatments, however, may require the destruction of life. So
the question arises: "Does Judaism sanction the destruction of one life to save
another?" The Talmud, Judaism's oral law, clearly forbids saving one life at the
expense of another, by asking the simple question: "Who is to decide which life
represents the-greater good?"
This raises the issue of stem cell research. There are several methods by
which stem cells may be acquired, including from an aborted fetus. According
to Jewish law a fetus may be aborted if it threatens the life of its mother. Unlike
Americn'-law, the religious, "Orthodox" -- derived laws in Israel, approve the use
of such stem cells for research.
However, the primary source of stem cells in Israel comes from embryos
that never left the Petri dish extra embryos left over from in-vitro fertilization.
The Jewish legal status of these is not as clear as those from aborted fetuses.
Rabbinical opinions suggest that an embryo does not achieve "fetal
status" until it is implanted in the uterine wall. Before this stage is reached, it


_0000__ 0000000000000000000


"What can Isay? Ijust have a thing for Jewish guys. "


cannot develop into a viable fetus and, having no real "life
potential," is not considered "life." Hence, there is no Jewish
legal opposition to using such embryos for stem cell research.
There is, however, one major qualification. Jewish ',
law makes it clear that a doctor may not "create" embryos //
specifically for stem cell research. Their initial purpose must
be for implantation. Such stem cells must be leftovers.
Dr. Yoel Jakobovits of John Hopkins University
School of Medicine once stated: "It appears that Jewish legal concerns may be
more permissive than is generally understood. Clearly, it behooves us as Jews,
to avail ourselves of whatever Torah and scientific knowledge we can, not only
as we try to find the Jewish legal guidance for ourselves, but perhaps equally
important as we strive to fulfill our national mandate to be a Light unto the
Nations."
Maybe now we can understand why Rabbi Maimonides, the great
medieval sage, stated that, "Knowledge of the Divine cannot be attained without
knowledge of the natural sciences."
As we strive to reach the Divine we must remember that Judaism isn't
just attending Yom Kippur services or a Passover Seder. There are laws that
guide us through every moment of our lives, from waking up in the morning to
going to sleep at night. These Jewish laws also guide us in any career we choose,
be it law, medicine, engineering, business or music.


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The Shpiel Page 5


'7F'


Q. What does
.i Iit mean to be
the "Chosen
People?"

A. Throughout
history, Jews have had their share of smarty-pants thinkers
creating some history-altering theory, philosophy or
movement. So it's obvious that we Jews must be blessed
upon high...hold on, sorry to rain on the pomp parade, but
how many not-so-cool, corrupt members of the Tribe do
we have to make excuses for before we can say, "Alright,
we are not so different?" Clearly we can't regurgitate
Freud, Marx and Einstein at every Bar Mitzvah, flashing
the world a proud smile, and giving a big thumbs-up as
we glide on by. It's time to dismount and revisit what
Jewish pride is really about. What is interesting, relevant
and worthwhile is not simply looking at who these famous
over-achievers are but rather at how they became who
they are. More times than not, it was through a serious
amount of hard work and dedication.

"And now, ifyou hearken to Me and guard My covenant,
you shall be to Me a chosen people from among all the
peoples, for Mine is the entire world. You shall be to Me
a holy nation (Exodus 19:5)

The Saadia Gaon (Rabbi b. Egypt 882) taught,
"The Jewish people are a unique nation by virtue of
the Torah." In other words, without the Torah, there is
nothing that sets us apart. There is'no hard-wired special
gene that makes us different. So then we have to ask,
what is the Torah? For now, I'll avoid the quicksand of
theology, leaving that for another "Dear Rabbi." Let us
say most basically that "Torah" is a spiritual pathway
towards deepening our sense of self and hooking back up
with our essence, our place of origin (not a reference to
Boca Raton).
With that said, the definition of a "chosen people"
becomes quite different than the "We got it goin' on,"
theory. Our "chosen-ness" is really a product of our
ability to choose ourselves. In this way, all of humanity is
looking to find its place, its home and its mission. Jews,
with so many big hitters in the history books, have got to
be careful not to wait for the next guy to be written up
for fulfilling our nation's mission. Every human being
contains within himself or herself the unlimited capacity
to become truly.great and to bring, real change to a world
that so desperately needs chosen people.
Shalom,
Rabbi Yonah Schiller
rabbiyonah@theshpiel.org


The Lunar Calendar
By Mazal
Happy New Year, (If you are an Elm, Maple, Sycamore or Fir).
Here we are in the month of Shevat, right in the middle. And that means the 15t of
Shevat or Tu B'Shevat, the New Year for the Trees. Right now, the rain waters from
the winter months are coming through the ground and into the 'bodies' of the trees,
bringing them back to life. Look out your window and see the buds, then break into
song, for this is also the time of year for the Song of the Sea. At the end of the month
we read the Torah portion about the song that was sung after the crossing of the Sea
(following a harrowing escape from Egypt...you remember, no time to let the bread
rise, so we ate matzo instead). After they passed safely over the dry land, all the Jews
sang together, then Miriam the Prophetess led the women in drumming and dance.
Shake your tambourine and sing to the trees it is the Age of Aquarius, Jewish style.


gl. gifl of

AYVA LON
RHOMb4A: BSeOMAN & TRUDE SPILLANE

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Did You Know?
In Judaism. the husband
has three obligations to
his \itfe \whenever she
requests them. They
are as follows (in no
particular order):
1. Food
2. Clothing
3. Sex











Did You Know?
In 1952 Albert Einstein
\\as in\ ited to become
the president of Israel.


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Page 6 The Shpiel



The Whole Shpiel. and Nothing But

the Shpiel


Across
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hen tie wasn't and now he ig"
48 For this add rmai and hboplI
9 Moiming~ home
11 Not even
13 Betfor the mitnning begins
15 1 114ha tov got u)-.ad with i
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21 ireain i. F.il t I
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If .you'e e in te market
for a movie. it's often J
hard picking from the
many films coming out in
theaters. Don't \\orry, w we're here to help
you choose a movie. Believe me, you'll
like them or you'll get your money for
this paper back! Okay, so you'll like the
movies or we'll feel bad. Enjoy.
-Mark Berman

Friday, Feb. 17th
Date Movie
A spoof of romantic comedies written
by two of the writers from the "Scary
Movie" franchise. Remember that series
of movies that spoofs scary movies but
isn't really all that funny all the time?
,Ai\vav. it's got Alyson Hannigan
(from TV's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"and "How I Met Your Mother"), so
it's got that going for it. Although the
trailers look horrendously unflumnv.


14 k n toi save t[Wie




I ''I r.
1-3 No longer cmaia
'-4 To law down

2 I Wu d L r..:r it.,. r,~,*:


R


reviews Freedomland
Julianne Moore
(yay) and Samuel L.
Jackson (yay again!)
star in this movie where Moore is a
single mother who blames an African-
American man for the kidnapping of her
daughter. Nothing really funny about
that. It looks more sad than anything,
but it could be good.

Friday. Feb. 24th
Running Scared
Paul Walker (the guy from "The Fast
arid the Furious") stars as a mobster...
no, never mind. He's going to be pretty
bad in this movie, because that's what
he does, although the movie around him
could be good. It's got the director of
"The Cooler" and Chazz Palminteri in
it. Something about guns, kids, Russian
gangsters and police stuff.


Kill Me...I'm a Hippy
Josh Gellers
W hen did being a young Jewish
person become synonymous
with being some sort. of
materialistic neo-hippie?
This Jew is a follower
- a bland replication of peers or
immediate elders who blindly
follows examples of older
siblings, older kids from temple
and older carbon copies from
school. Said Semites love Dave
Matthews Band as if the music
was the secret to life. With lyrics
like "Don't drink the water. There's blood in the water,"
who could think otherwise? DMB is quite possibly the
most overrated and yet religiously cherished musical
group in the history of sound, yet each new neo-hippie
Jew "discovers" Dave as a magical, blessed, unique
finding. This needs to stop! DMB is not the answer, not
the antidote and not even a great musical group.
Then notice the unnatural affection these Jews
harbor for Birkenstock sandals. Maybe it's a throwback
to days spent wandering the desert when we Jews needed
hard-soled footwear. It's more of an I may not want to
challenge the government as my parents did in the 1960s,
but by golly I am going to dress like a hippie" sentiment.
These bulky, ugly, two-strapped monstrosities with poor
ergonomic design display that ever so apparent "I just
came back from Israel, and all I got was a false sense
of togetherness and these sandals" look. Unfortunately, it
looks as though these clunky toe-catchers are here to stay,
so just be careful with those leather straps around me I
have a tendency to spill Nlanischewitz at inopportune
times.
Finally, this New Age Jew is more insulated than a
house in Antaictica. By staying within the secure confines
of a Je\wish bubble, youngg Yids ensure they will have
scant contact w ith the goyim who happen to constitute the
majority of the U.S. population. These Jews are the ones
who say United Synagogue Youth conventions were their
favorite high school memories, that their High School in
Israel friends are much cooler than their lifelong domestic-
school buddies, that Birthright was the most meaningful
(and subsequently most socially exclusionary) experience
of college, and that Hillel or Chabad not their donns
- function as their second homes. It is OK to enjoy a
good time spent with people who understand why ham
and cheese is inherently gross, but why exclude the kids
who enjoy a good pork chop?
Soif you see these kids listening to Dave on their
iPods, walking in Birkenstocks to a Birthright reunion,
do them the justice of talking to them on the street. You
might very well be their first step outside the Semitic
sphere.


Did You Know? Contrary to popular belief, Jews
don't have horns! Michelangelo, who sculpted Moses,
read a mistranslated description of Moses, seeing
"horn" for "ray of light" (they have the same spelling),
and the Jews have been horny ever since.


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The Shpiel

Volume 1 Issue 1


Executive Director


Adviser


News Editor/
Production Manager
Columns Editor/
Letters Editor
Arts &
Entertainment LTiitors


Director of Operations/
Public Relations
Senior Copy Editor

Senior Staff

Distribution

Finance

Advertising

Fundraising

Copy Editors



Photographer

Art Design/
Photo Editor
Layout and
Production


Rabbi Yonah Schiller
rabbiyonah@theshpiel.org
Michal Meyer
micha@theshpiel.org


Kimberly Gouz
kimgouz@theshpiel.org
Adina Thompson
adinamichal@theshpiel.org
Carly Cohen
carly@theshpiel.org
Alison Meyer
alimeyer@theshpiel.org
Elisa Negrin
biz@theshpiel.org
Laura Jones
ljo@theshpiel.org
Tracy Block
tblock@ufl.edu
Paige Butensky
distribution@theshpiel.org
Zalman Lubotsky
zoro@theshpiel.org
Tara Goodin
tgoodin@theshpiel.org
Marc Kantrowitz
mkantrow@theshpiel.org
Will Pafford, Shira Kramer
Josh Gellers, Tracy Block
Jennifer Tamayo, Ivette Mendez, Allison
Schiller, Adrienne Browne
Jenny Harnish
Chippewa@theshpiel.org
Cara Bowen-Goldberg
cara@theshpiel.org
David Greenberg Communications
david@greenbergcommunications.com


OffyIc ie


Suffice


The Shpiel Pare 7


Chocolate A Passionate Affair
1lr Mi-chal MaVor


What's your relationship
with chocolate? So close
you'd rather go into hiding '
than share with your
nearest and dearest? If so,
it's time to focus on the
relationships that matter.
Chocolate addicts go to .
great lengths to justify
their habits, while those
not passionately attached
to the stuff always spoil
the fun. It gives you
pimples, they say. It makes you fat and
hurts your heart. For years, kind friends
have warned me about chocolate's dark
side. But, finally, science is on my side.
Chocolate, like green tea, contains high
levels of antioxidants that stop those nasty
free radicals from damaging cells. Given
a choice between the two, which would
you prefer? Moderate chocolate eating.is
also linked to lower blood pressure, says
a recent Italian study. Of course, there'll
always be spoilsports who point out that
other, non-chocolatey, effects play a part.
Don't believe them!
So take heart, because you may be doing it
a favor with that piece of chocolate.

Here is a recipe that combines dark and
light, bittersweet chocolate and sweet
meringue.

Pavlova
4 egg whites
1 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla essence
1 tsp vinegar

topping
3 i ounces dark chocolate
2 egg yolks
4 Tbsp water
1 cup whipping cream
fruit for garnish


Pre-heat oven to very high. Line an oven
tray with aluminum foil.
Beat egg whites with 1 tablespoon of sugar
until stiff and shiny. Add half of remaining
sugar, beat for one minute. Fold in rest
of sugar, vanilla, and vinegar. Carefully
mound mixture onto foil. Now create a
circle about 3 inches high, leaving a dip
in the middle of the mixture. Put in oven
and immediately turn heat to very low.
Leave in oven for 1 hour. The outside of
the meringue should be crisp and crunchy
while the inside remains soft. Put on a rack
to cool.
Once the pavlova has cooled, make the
chocolate topping. Break chocolate into
small pieces and add the water. Melt over
a double boiler, stirring regularly. Once
the chocolate has melted, add one egg
yolk and stir. Cook over a very low heat
for one minute and then add the second
yolk. Turn off the heat but keep stirring for
another minute. Let cool slightly then pour
the chocolate mixture onto the middle of
the meringue. Spread the chocolate evenly.
Just before serving, whip cream and spread
over meringue. Garnish with slices of
strawberries, oranges, banana, or whatever
fruit happens to be in season.
That's it; I have to rush off now and find
some chocolate!


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Hillel at UF Asks:

Is there a Jewish Santa Claus?

Yes Virginia, there is a Jewish Santa Claus! UF Hillel will be giving away a brand new $300,000 house
to one lucky winner.

You think you aren't lucky enough to be that winner? That's ok we're actually going to make lots
of people winners. With only 5,000 tickets sold and 63 prizes awarded, you have a 1 in 80'chance of
winning a prize.

But what type of prizes can I win? Am I gonna get some lousy t-shirt? NO!!' Prizes include a 2 year
lease on a new Volvo, a new boat, free airline tickets, a week in a condo in St Augustine, 3 nights in any
Ritz Carlton in the world, 2 nights at the Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas including dinner
and show tickets to Mama Mia. There are Gator Football tickets and Gator Football parking. There are
electronics and much, much more.

For more information, go to http://ufhillel.org/raffle.php or email diane@ufhillel.org
w~~ w w


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Page 8 The Shpiel


KSbbIla Losers There's A What In My


By Leo Stein

H ey Britney, listen
up. We need to
chat about this whole
Kabbala thing. It is
okay. You can take it.
I mean, you are 'not
that innocent' anyway,
right?
I heard you got
a tattoo of Hebrew letters. I did
some research and found out that
the Hebrew inked onto your body
actually comes from an old mystical
chanting that means "white-trash-
desperate-for-attention-meshuginah."
It is amazing how much meaning
three letters have. It fits you well.
But honestly, I would be lying if I told
you anything fits you well. I guess
the problem is me. Maybe I should
be more accepting, drink some more
Kabbala water or something. I just
don't understand this whole shtick you're doing with
Judaism. Do you even know what Kabbala means? No,
it is not a Jewish-traditional bread! In fact, I bet you do
not know a thing about our culture. It is like that song
where you say, "I'm a Slave for You." Were you paying
homage to the Jewish people's suffering in Egypt or
simply alluding to your disturbingly erotic relationship
with your husband, Kevin? By the way, please spare
me the intimate details of your relationship with your
husband. I already have enough garbage in my trash can.
Britney, I believe in your Kabbala-ness as much as I laugh
at the irony of Madonna singing "Like a Virgin." But hey,
1 even enjoy her more than some kazoo-voice-of-a-singer.
Oh Britney, if I could just "Hit You Baby One More Time"
with some Torah, I would teach you an old Talmudic
lesson: No matter how hard you try, you just cannot teach
anold dog new tricks, uncLss. of course, she can lip synch
her way out of it.

Anthony Rapp-ing
By Leo Stein

B roadway and silver screen starAnthony Rapp spoke to an
energetic crowd on January 25 at the Phillips Center for
the Performing Arts. Rapp is best known for the Broadway
role of Mark Cohen, in the remarkably successful rock
opera Rent. Even more notable (at least in my humble
opinion) was his role in Dazed and Confused, in which
he dreamed he was getting it on with Abraham Lincoln (I
shtick you not). Rapp's on-stage shpiel was followed by
a frantic question-and-answer session that seemed even
more impassioned than a Beatles concert.
It isn't that often a Broadway play features a Jew as the
main character, so it was only fitting that I beat down the
screaming fans and thespians to ask him a few Jewish-y
questions. I spoke with Rapp about a recent trip to Israel
for Rent's movie premiere.

Shpiel: What in your life is not kosher?
AR: The political situation in the current administration in
tlfis country, that is definitely not kosher to me. Also, the
sc-apegoating of gays and lesbians in the last election is not
kosher to me.

Shpiel: What is, the most kick-ass thing about being in
Israel?
AR: The hummus-unbelievable. Unbelievably great. I


Fish?
By Elisa Negrin


O ne of the greatest
culinary mysteries of all
time remains the notorious
Gefilte Fish. As inexplicably
omnipresent as the infamous
holiday fruitcake of our non-
Jewish brethren, gefilte fish
is the unrelenting, steadfast
appetizer of the Jew\ish holiday


Fool

Facts


table. w 1-,

Full of yummy, lip-smackinmg-.... -' .- .... --. .
ingredients such as carp, pike
or whitefish mixed with eggs, matzo meal and seasonings,
the gefilte fish is then shaped into cute little balls and
simmered in a delightful vegetable mush. To cover up the
taste, serve it chilled with plenty of horseradish.

But wait, there's more! Ladies and Gentlemen, this jar
of fish even comes with its own deliciously-smelling and
scrumptiously-tasting jelly. Some of the most bold and
daring Jews prefer to drink the jelly from a straw, but we
don't recommend this. In fact, unless you are a seasoned
veteran, we advise a thorough dejellification of your fish.


Shpiel This newspaper, meshuggenah.
Actually, it means a long presentation or
talk
Yenta An older gossipy woman who

enjoys matchmaking and name trashing
Shema Most famous and important
prayer in Judaism that sums up the meaning
of being Jewish (Hear! Oh Curious, ask a
Rabbi)
Chabad A Jewish Hasidic movement
known for their hospitality and mellowness
(only joking!)


don't know why, I mean, it's
the same ingredients.

Shpiel: Can you talk a little
more on what Israel was
like for you?
AR: I was blown away.
There's this incredible
energy there. It's so vibrant
and alive. But it's a troubled
place too. I thought the
people were very forthright.
They were really open,


Kabbala The deepest study of the Torah's
messages and unfortunately the trendiest
scam
Torah The Five Books of Moses, the
Prophets, The Hebrew Writings and a
special section for that long bar-mitzvah
portion.
Birthright The always-winning lottery
ticket for Jews! Imagine going to Israel for
free because you're Jewish (or "say" you're
Jewish)
By Arieh Alkali


outspoken. And then there's
Jerusalem, crazy. It's
amazing that there's this
place with all these myths
and stories and legends. And
it's all in this one place. It
doesn't make any sense it all
happened there. Everyone
has all these stories, and I
don't know what they could
do to make things better
over there. I wish the people
could listen to each other or


do something.


Shpiel: Thank you
much and take care.
AR: Shalom.
Shpiel: Shalom.


very


There you have it readers.
Bet you didn't know
Anthony Rapp spoke
Hebrew.


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