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Florida University
College of Literal Arts and Sciences

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In order to raise funds for faculty salaries, the CLAS Players present The Wizard of OZ (50 cent admission): starring David Colburn as
Dorothy, Albert Matheny as Toto, Jim Mueller as the Tinman, Lou Guillette as the Cowardly Lion, John Watson as the Scarecrow, Mar-
garet Fields as Glenda the Good Witch, Yumiko Hulvey as the Wicked Witch of the West, Neil Sullivan as the Wizard, Angel Kwollek-
Folland and Terry Mills as Munchkins, Allan Burns as Uncle Henry, Cynthia Butler as Auntie Em, and Jack Sabin as the Horse of a Differ-
ent Color. Special appearances by Bernie Machen, Joe Glover and Sheila Dickison as flying monkeys.

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* Geologists discover
calling people "dumb
as rocks" is often offen-
sive to rocks.

* In a surprise move
the College of Agri-
cultural and Life
Sciences has voiced
support for a new
biology degree offered
by CLAS. In a con-
ciliatory move, Dean
Sullivan is giving the
Math department to
IFAS.

* Oxford English
dictionary removes
"Going Postal" and
replaces it with "Going
PeopleSoft."

* Chemistry depart-
ment receives OSHA
award for 10 days
of accident-free
work place. Previous
record of 9.6789 days
held by the English
department. Chem-
istry professor Will
Harrison's response was
"WOOHOO," as he
knocked over a vat
of chemicals

during his excited state. the microwave or make
coffee for chauvinist

* Marketing consul-
tants propose changing
the University of Flor-
ida's name to Florida
University since the
new acronym will have
appeal among students.

* "Ye Olde Deanery
Kitchen" in 2014 Tur-
lington has been sold
to Starbucks to create
a franchise for a multi-
lingual internet cafe.
Evelyn Butler says she
is glad that she will no
longer have to clean

pigs.

* Communication sci-
ences and disorders
department invites
Harvard President
Lawrence Summers to
give lecture on "When
to Keep your Mouth
Shut."

* Anthropology
department forms
AA (Anthropologists
Anonymous) group for
those who can't stop
digging in the dirt.

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In a move designed to protest the lack of their hands, Associate interesting. I must create a record of it
invitations he has received to Tupperware, Dean Jim Mueller and for future generations to learn from,
Pampered Chef, and Partylite candle parties, his brother, geology Fi says Jim.
Associate Dean Terry Mills has decided to chair Paul Mueller, have Romance Langauges and Literatures
become the college's first-ever Tupperware become Creative Memo- Chair David Pharies plans to sell
consultant. "I often feel left out of social ries scrapbooking con- Mary Kay cosmetic products. "The
gatherings whose sole purpose is to sultants. "I never realized shampoo and conditioner
overcharge for petty products," says all the intricate set is my favorite
Mills. "I decided it was time to do details product," says
something about it, so I'm hosting of my Pharies.
a Tupperware party this weekend life
in the Keene Faculty Center." are
Mills says the spring collection is so
S to die for.
S His move has prompted other B
faculty members to pursue this line
f of work. With tons of spare time on

SIIKI.sOR -C

Be Rest o t5s!
Are you a faculty member about to celebrate your 60th birthday? If so, the college is ready
to fund an all-expenses-paid fest in your honor! You can invite hundreds of people
you don't know to talk about very specific research in your area. Due to the 4
huge success of the program in the physics department, the college has decid-
ed to open it up to all CLAS faculty members. "Often, ages 30, 40 and 50
are such pivotal birthdays and garner huge celebrations," says Dean Neil Sul-
livan. "The physics department has brought it to our attention that 60 is a
milestone too, given that it is a nice increment of time easily divided by
two. It should also be recognized." To make your fest official, just stop
by John Watson's office any day after 4 p.m. to confirm your funding.

CLAS Converts to

the Metric System
Due to the overwhelming success of other recent campus changeovers,
including the PeopleSoft transition, CLAS has decided to convert
completely to the metric system. "We are inching, er..., centimeter-
ing ourselves toward a more consistent future," says CLAS Dean Neil
Sullivan. Others in the college are not so optimistic. Says Jack Sabin,
"You give Neil 2.54 centimeters and he'll take 1,609.344 meters!"
But Sullivan assures he'll go the extra kilometer to make sure it's a
smooth transition, even though all other UF colleges and the entire
US will remain with the English system.

I/ IThe College
of Liberal
Arts and
Sciences has
teamed up with WCLAS
radio to disburse the latest round
of faculty bonuses. Any fac-
ulty member who is spotted on
campus by the roving "Krazy CLAS" van

will receive an automatic $5,000 bonus, with an added $10,000 if they can
answer a 1980s trivia question. Any staff member who spots the van will get
a WCLAS bumper sticker and a 5x7 autographed
photo of President Machen, since they
don't need monetary bonuses. To
spot the "Krazy CLAS" van, just
look for the polka-dotted Chevy
Astro driven by the man in the
pig suit. This bonus program

tattoo yOU!
In order to promote unity between the arts and the sciences Dean Neil Sullivan has instituted
a new policy of back tattoos for faculty. These tattoos will be a small version of the CLAS
logo. "This will be a more real reminder that everyone in CLAS is part of the same family,"
Sullivan says. "Students were leading the way with this trend, so it also puts the faculty more in
sync with our students. While there is no current plan for a forearm tattoo, Sullivan says that is
always a place for the college to grow in the future.

I

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All UF staff members are encouraged to
fill out the staff survey that is being distrib-
uted this month. The survey consulting firm
has identified pressing issues on campus,
which the following sample
questions address. Please
S) remember to print your
F,- 1 name, UF ID number and

Do you feel the consistency
of toilet paper on campus
is too soft, too hard, or just
right?

Do you think interim provost
Joe Glover should wear con-
tacts?

How many Gator football
games have you attended?

Would you name your son
Urban?

Would you support giving
a portion of your paycheck
to fund the severely under-
funded athletic programs on
campus as well as faculty
salaries?

Do you prefer to use blue or
black ink pens at work? _

Do you feel you are able
to take enough
smoke breaks at
6 work?

If so, would you support
a measure to build more
buildings and abolish
various parking lots?

How much do you love
PeopleSoft?
a) A lot!
b) A whole lot!
c) More than words
can describe!

If you could change one
thing about your job, what
would it be? (Please do not
include responses related to
your boss, co-workers, work-
ing environment, parking,
salary, job description, ben-
efits, or the university.)

Do you like the
number 5?

Are there too many
parking spaces on
campus?

A generous gift from an anonymous donor (initials are
believed to be N.S.) has allowed for the potato rock in
Turlington to be superimposed with an image of David
Colburn in honor of his return to CLAS. It is based on
his 50 X 50 foot halo portrait that now hangs in Tigert.

Chock full o' happy memories!
Hipper than you are!
It's the performance that counts!
An experience of a lifetime!
Random new logo!
The same as yesterday, poised for a new tomorrow!
50% less state of Ronda in every bite!
College of Literal Arts and Sciences
Rumor & Scandal CoGntrol
News & Publications
2008 Turlington Hall
PO Box 117300
Gainesville FL 32611-7300
editor@clas.ufl.edu
http://clasnews.clas.ufl.edu