April 1, 2001

C LASnotes
Vol. 15 The University of Florida College of Liberal Arts and Sciences No. 4.1

Cockroach
Armed with a $10,000 NEH
grant, the Humanities Council
is studying the effect of the
"Cockroach Rule" on promo-
tions to full professor in the
humanities. The rule states
that candidates for promotion
are expected to have a sec-
ond scholarly book weighty
enough that a hardbound vol-
ume "can be used to crush a
cockroach to death."
This rule, previously
thought to be clear, has been

Rule Revisited
deconstructed and shown use of humanities texts?"
to be ambiguous. Several The Council plans to
impending questions face the publish extensive answers to
council; What kind of cock- these questions as soon as the
roaches should the book kill? money is exhausted. A review
What if the book only stuns of expenditures to date shows
the insect? Is it the depart- that two Madagascar hissing
ment, the chair, or the dean cockroaches were purchased
who certifies the death? If for $53. Another $973 was
you can freeze and revive a used to purchase sherry,
cockroach, what is death to cheese, and crackers.
the cockroach, anyway? Rob-
ert D'Amico, chair of philos-
ophy, adds, "Is this an ethical

"Astronomy is looking up."
-Stan Dermott, Astronomy
Chair

"We now estimate that approximately
78.2% of all statistics are meaningless."
-George Casella, Statistics Chair

"English was good enough for Jesus
Christ and it's good enough for the
children of Texas."
-George W. Bush, US President, on
the importance of foreign
language study

In honor of Professional Secretaries Day on
April 25, Dean Sullivan has declared that
all executive secretaries, senior secretaries,
administrative assistants, program assis-
tants, and office managers and assistants
will have the day off. Faculty will be in
charge of answering the phones, setting up
appointments, ordering supplies, preparing
reports, typing memos, greeting guests,
handling all crises and essentially running
the entire college as staff do on a daily
basis. Sullivan says he feels the experience
will teach faculty just how lucky they really
are to have it so good. Some faculty, how-
ever, feel it will be the toughest day of their
career. One faculty member who did not
want to be identified, but has gone through
six secretaries in the last year, said, "I don't
know what I'm going to do. I have no clue
if the water or the coffee grounds go in the
coffeepot first. They don't teach you these
things when you're getting a PhD."

Way Around the College

DEPARTMENT NEWS
Physics
The physics department is holding a garage sale
this weekend to raise money for the Quantum
Theory Project.
Many physics
professors have
donated their
most prized
possessions for
the cause. Jack
Sabin is selling
his collection
of Engelbert
Humperdinck
memorabilia,
including an
autographed 8x10 photo and Humperdinck's
"Great-est Hits" LP Sabin says he could not
part, however, with the first record-
ed episode of the Lawrence
Welk Show. "They just don't
t e make highquality music vari-
ety shows like this anymore.
Thank goodness for PBS. If
they don't do it, who will?"
Neil Sullivan has finally
decided to part with his collection
of physics t-shirts, which include
such sayings as: "I am the Ther-
monator," "Physics is Fun," "Let's
get PHYSICal," "I Love Magnets," "Gravity
Always Wins!" "Matter Really Matters," and his
personal favorite, "I've just fallen into a black
hole, and I can't get out."

History
Chair Fitz Brundage was recently thrown out of
the Two Bits Lounge at the UF Convention Cen-
ter and Hotel. After he ordered a glass of wine,
the bartender had a hard time believing Brundage
was of legal drinking age, so he asked to see his
I.D. Brundage claimed he did not have his driv-
er's license with him since his wife drives him to
work everyday. "I've seen his kind before," says
the bartender. "He's an underage college student,
trying to get a little action. I mean, come on, the
sneakers and Gator t-shirt are a dead give away."
Since Brundage could not provide proof of his
age, the bartender said he had no choice but to
throw him out of the bar.

Romance Languages and Literatures
Chair Geraldine Nichols is ecstatic after com-
pleting her smoothie punch card at Smoothie
King. "It's taken me 5 years to do this, but now
that I finally have earned my free smoothie, I
can't wait to enjoy it." Nichols, who had to pur-
chase 5 smoothies in order to get one free, says
she plans to share the tasty frozen treat with her
office staff.

page 2

Harrison, Desperate, Goes Undercover

Former CLAS Dean Willard
Harrison, sick of the mundane
life of the chemistry lab and
craving the prestige and power
of his old position, applied for
the deanship using the unimagi-
native alias Harris Willardson
and a poorly doctored photo-
graph.
When confronted with his
sham, Harrison was woeful.
"My fingers are getting weak
from having to push the start
button on my computer in the
morning," lamented the for-
mer dean. "And even though I
now call [my former secretary]
Evelyn on average 100 times
a day for help, it just isn't the
same as having her at my beck
and call in the next room. Plus,
I can't stand being harassed by
Dave Richardson any longer. He
talks to me like I'm some rap-
per, always calling me 'Former
D' no matter how many times I
ask him not to."
Harrison's application
packet was initially thrown into
the junk pile by search com-

Pack-Rat Watson Rescued
Fire-rescue crews had to extract CLAS
Minister of Finance John Watson from his
office last week. He was trapped inside and
could not find his way out due to all the
crap he has collected over the last 50 years
including talking dolls, eagle photographs,

mittee chair Ken Wald, who
was automatically rejecting any
applicant who was taller than
5' 8." "I'm just fed up with all
of these tall people all over the
place," said Wald. "Who cares
what someone's credentials are
if I develop a crick in my neck
whenever I have talk to him?"
Secretary for the search
committee Evelyn Butler quick-
ly discovered Wald's blighted
methodology. "I told him:
'Listen Ken, either get yourself
some platform shoes or get the
heck off the committee.' Geez,
I've seen plenty self-serving
actions in my days in the dean's
office, but this one was just
plain lame."
Harrison's application
ended up in the reject pile a sec-
ond time because, according to
Wald, "I personally am sick to
death of these hard science peo-
ple dominating the dean's office,
which we all know is the matrix
of CLAS power. I think the next
dean needs to be someone from
the social sciences, humanities

or the sciences that are
social. I can't think
of one single teensy
weensy reason why
we shouldn't have a
social scientist as dean.
I mean, I am open to
considering anyone,
just as long as they are
a goddamned social
scientist."
When Butler was
sifting through this
second pile to make
sure that Wald had not
inadvertently thrown
a social scientist in
with all the other sci-
ence rejects, Harrison's picture
caught her eye. "He used one of
the photos taken during his ten-
ure as dean, and I can recognize
that pleading 'Give Me Your
Money Now' smile anywhere,"
she said. "I mean, really, is he
so cheap that he couldn't even
get a new photo taken for his
application?"
Harrison says he is devas-
tated by the turn of events and

aging stuffed animals, unvarnished wooden
sculptures, fake paintings, flashing window
lights, and numerous other items, most of
which are described by his wife as useless
pieces of junk that he is not allowed to
bring home.
Watson
claims he could not
find his phone or
computer anywhere
and has not been
able to see out of
his windows since
last fall due to boxes
,.!-. of stale candy that
now reach the ceil-
ing. He was further
put out when rescue
crews didn't arrive
on the scene until
almost 4:00 in the
afternoon, a full two
hours after Watson's
normal "quit-
CLASnotes April 1,2001

Lord High Executioner
As someday it will happen we are told,
some victims must be found to turn deficit into gold.

Oh, our One he's got a little list
of offenders he is sure ne'er would be missed.

There's the distinguished regents who with courage did but try
to preserve the system,'though One Florida they did bye.

They'd none of'em he would miss,
-oh yes, he's got them on his little list.

Then there are the counters in the commissary,
who with rules of thumb redefined the chad.
And time did pass and'spite brave judiciary
were but finally truly had.

They'd none of them he would miss,
Oh yes, he's got them on the list.

is not sure how long he can last
without having a deck, couch,
and wingback chairs in his
office. "Life over here in Leigh
Hall is pure hell compared to the
luxury and power I experienced
in Turlington," he said. "Can't
we just burn my resignation
letter, and I can take my old

job back? The reigns o
will fit back on my hai
gloves. No one will ev
that I left, I swear."

Math Chair Headed to Bollywood

f power Math Chair Krishna Alladi will return to India this summer to star in the Bollywood production of
nds like Fuzzy Math, the tragic tale of a math professor who can only count backwards but has overcome
en notice the odds (and perhaps the evens) to be accepted by his family and into the math world. Apparently,
Alladi was chosen for the film role because he fit the rare character description producers were
looking for: an Indian man with a background in the sciences. Alladi says he can identify with his
character, and feels he will be able to play the part well. "There are three kinds of people in this
I7 world; those that can count, and those that can't." He will spend the entire summer making the
0 movie, which is due to be released next year pending Alladi's approval of the final cut.

CLASnotes April 1,2001 page 3

Heesacker's Beach Photo Regarded as "Amazing"

A picture Psychology Chair Mar-
tin Heesacker took at the beach
came out great this week, with
some even calling it "amazing."
The glossy 4x6 photo, taken
by Heesacker with his own cam-
era, is widely regarded as the best
on the entire roll of 24 exposures.
At least three people have already
requested doubles.
Eckerds photo process-
ing employee Kelly Monogan,
who developed the picture in
the store's state-of-the-art color
processing lab, was immediately
impressed with the shot. "When I
first saw the picture, I was blown

away,

" Monogan said. "We get a

lot of beach pictures in here since
it's Florida and spring break time,
but this one is truly something
special."
According to photo experts,

what makes this picture

so special

is that its three subjects are all

related, even though none of them
are related to Heesacker. He was
apparently trying to figure out
how to use his camera, and the
flash simply went off, snapping

the photo.

"It was a complete

accident that I took this great

photo,

says Heesacker.

"I con-

tinue to amaze myself with all my
undiscovered talents."
Even Jane Dominguez,
who takes photos for CLAS and
regards herself as a photo expert,
said she has never seen anything
quite like it. "Just the color con-
trast and positions of the subjects
are very remarkable. Some people
just have this innate ability to
capture the essence of the human
spirit on film. I am one of them,
and apparently so is Heesacker.
We welcome him to our world."
Heesacker picked up the roll
of film Tuesday afternoon after a

long, frustrating delay.

"I used the

one-hour photo deal, but after one
hour and five minutes, they still
weren't ready. I waited another 45
seconds, and then demanded to
see the manager. Finally, after an
additional two minutes, my photos
were done."

Heesacker says he has no
plans to quit his day job as psy-
chology chair and professor to
pursue a career in photography,
but admits stranger things have
happened.

Battle On, Francophile

Associate Dean Carol Murphy, in protest of the

ongoing marginal-

ization of the study of foreign languages, has vowed to speak only
French for an unspecified period of time. Work in her office has

come to a virtual standstill

as all of her meeting s are taking twice
as long as usual,
and wild gesticu-
lating punctuated
with "OUI" and
NON!" has taken
over as the primary
mode of commu-
nication. Com-
menting through
an interpreter in
between bites of
brie cheese on a

baguette she said, "I will not back down on such an important issue

that is at the core of a liberal arts

education. Vive la

resistance!"

Radelet Leaves for University of Colorado,

Takes Sociology Department with Him
Mike Radelet, current chair of sociology, will be leaving UF in June
to assume a position at the University of Colorado, Boulder. As one of
his perks, he is allowed to move the entire UF sociology department
to Boulder so that its fine work can continue uninterrupted. Interim
Dean Sullivan has reluctantly agreed to pay the entire cost of moving
the faculty and their families to Boulder in June.

"It's going to be great,

" said Radelet. "They are completely

renovating a structure dedicated to the work of the new faculty. Actu-
ally, it's a decommissioned Titan missile silo, and we'll all be housed
together. In case of crisis, it can be hermetically sealed with its own
food and air supply for two weeks at a time."
Most sociology faculty have signed on to the move. One question
mark is Vice-Provost and Sociology Professor Charles Frazier, who
has not yet formally resigned from his UF position. According to one
source, however, he was overheard recently saying, "When Glover
comes to Tigert, I quit."

A farewell reception in honor of the move will be
Keene Faculty Center in July or August.

held in the

Former CLAS Student Expected Less

UNIVERSITY OF
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A former CLAS student has issued a formal complaint against CLAS and UF,
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stating that she got
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