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Bush honors President Young
Way around the college
Uhlfelder enters UF race
Flint Hall gets full restoration
April 1, 2000
Where Are They When
You Need Them?
It was a quiet day in the Dean's Office.
Too quiet. I had just settled back to read
the latest exciting issue of the Middle
Management News, when it happened.
These people barged past my secretary
and burst into my office. They were loud.
And they were not happy.
"What are you going to do about it?"
they demanded. "It's just not fair."
"You're really supposed to take a num-
ber, you know," I suggested. "But now
that you're here, what's on your mind?"
"Look," said the most highly steamed
of the group, "you clearly don't grasp the
situation. The April 1 issue of CLASnotes
is due soon, and we represent the coven
of anonymous writers who provide the
over-the-transom and under-the-door
articles that have made this issue what it
is. You depend upon us for the deep and
highly insightful articles that constitute
this scholarly work. And I gotta tell ya,
we are at our wit's end."
"But why?" I asked. "You've always
done so well in the past. Careful, rea-
soned essays that invariably strike to the
intellectual core of the issues."
"Yeah, but that was then. This is now,
and look what's happened. All the great
story lines are gone," he moaned.
"That's right. The colorful people, the
unorthodox ones, the strange birds we
could always count on, have moved on.
First Andy left for 'Bama, and we thought
we'd never fill the void, but then, just
when we needed him most, John gave us
some of the juiciest material we could
have wished for. I tell you, it was like
shooting fish in a barrel."
"Right," chimed in another, "that was
good, but then Betty joined the team, and
our cup ranneth over. These people were
Vol. 14 The University of Florida College of Liberal Arts and Sciences No. 4.5
Bush Honors President Young
Chuck wins 1st annual One Florida award
last week that
(Chuck) Young is
the first recipient
of the One Florida
Award. This annual
prize is awarded
to that person in
the state of Florida
who has made the
greatest impact on
the goals and ambi-
tions of One Florida.
Young's award took
the form of a one-
way ticket to Los
made the presenta-
tion as part of his
hne Jebster presents President Young with une Florda Award.
campaign to com-
memorate Black History month in Florida.
In making the award, the governor said,
"President Young, first in California, and
now once more in Florida, has stood up
for what he knows is right. The extent
of his support for One Florida is widely
known. I am so pleased to name Charles
Young as the first Poster Child of One
Clearly touched by the governor's
warmth, Young expressed his deep ap-
preciation for the honor. "You will never
know how much this thrills me, Governor
Bush. I truly count this among those
prizes I never expected to receive. Indeed,
nothing means more to me at this time.
Asked whether his previous chilly reac-
tion to the One Florida policy was now
a thing of the past, Young said, "The
answer to that should be obvious to all
who know me. At this time, the Guy and
I have a unique relationship. Just let me
say that I support his programs with all
the enthusiasm I can muster. My opinion
of him has never been higher."
Following the award ceremony, Presi-
dent and Mrs. Young were invited to
the Governor's Mansion for dinner and
conversation with the first family. Young
indicated that Bush asked him to provide
tutorials for his wife on Customs Line eti-
quette. \ ly first suggestion was that her
passport was maybe not the best place to
store the foreign purchase receipts."'
Ready, Fire, Aim! -Official motto of the Florida Legislature
See Ravings, page 4
Way Around the College
With the addition of six more faculty this
year and 15 over the past three years, chair
Stan Dermott says the department will soon
be able to address their daunting backlog of
Chuck Frazier will present a keynote paper
at the National Society of Criminals meet-
ing (Marion, Illinois) entitled, "How My
Research on Organized Crime Prepared Me
for Success in the Provost's Office."
The search for a senior faculty member in
Creative Writing will be extended into its
fifth year. Recent fiction writing candidates
rejected by the department included Carl
Hiaasen, Jesse Ventura, Harry Potter, Danielle
Steel, and Bill Clinton.
Chair Mike Radelet has suggested a new
mode of execution for death row inmates,
namely that they be pecked to death by
ducks. "I got the idea from my experience as
chair. This method should satisfy even hard
core death proponents, since it is both more
painful and of longer duration than current
A well-placed Tigert official observed, "You
know, they really do serve good food at Hoot-
ers." His future plans include checking out
the cuisine at Cafe Risque.
Thought for the Day
According to my calculations,
your problem does not exist.
Dean of Education sought. No
experience necessary. First person
to bring in this ad guaranteed
Herbert moves to capture essence of Florida
C hancellor Adam
that the university
formerly known as UF 6 .0 i t1SjI lk'd 1 :
now has a new, more ap- .- .. ....
propriate title. "For the ... 7
indefinite future, this old .... -
will be known as Florida
Interim University," he
"Given the extent of
currently being expe-
rienced, it would seem The entry sign at University Avenue and 13th Street, updated to
inappropriate if we failed reflect Herbert's decision.
to take this into account.
Florida Interim University represents 'truth in advertising' that is so important to all
of us. As is well known, never would we wish anything but success to what we all in
Tally refer to as our interim-flagship university. And let me add that Albert has been
retained as interim mascot."
UF's interim president and interim provost both declared their interim satisfaction with
the interim designation. "We are most impressed with the chancellor's interim sup-
port," they emphasized, "given his interim attention span."I%
Lombardi Sells Truck
Opts for sportier life-style
Former UF President John Lombardi has sold his legendary red pickup truck, after
placing a "for sale" ad in the Alligator. The aged vehicle was purchased by a visit-
ing graduate student from Venezuela, who said Lombardi told him the truck was only
used to drive back and forth daily from the president's house to Tigert Hall.
"He spoke Spanish so fast that I didn't really get all the details, but he assured me the
truck is in mint condition and a real bargain at $15,000," reported the student. "But is
Lombardi really a Latino name, like he said?"
To replace his truck,
the former president
has purchased a gold
Edition. "Who says
The UF Bank didn't
work?" a smiling
edly said as he paid the
dealer in cash.
Asked about the new
car, Lombardi said, "I
was so sick of that GD
pickup truck that I could scream. Sure, it was a good prop for me as president, and I
must say, I got a lot of PR mileage out of it, but what I really wanted was wheels that
scoot. Wanna drag?"%
Uhlfelder Enters UF Race
Presidential search committee ecstatic
In a Tallahassee press conference yesterday, controversial BOR member Steve Uhlfelder threw his hat into the ring as a candidate
for the president of the University of Florida. "I see it as my duty," says Regent Uhlfelder,
"to give back to the university what it gave to me when I was a student, namely a hard time.
No, seriously, I have a sense of noblesse oblige, you might say. I hear my alma mater
calling to me, 'Come back, Steve, come back and work your magic
here once more.'"
"And," continued Uhlfelder, "so many faculty have urged
me to run. It's almost enough to make me sorry I once
called them a half-assed collection of effete decon-
structionists. As president, I will restrict that sobriquet
solely to the Department of English."
When he was a student at UF in the 1970's, the regent was known
for his political activism and crusading for various causes. Former VP for
Student Affairs Art Sandeen remembers Uhlfelder well. "I am confident he
would be every bit as good as president as he was in student government.
He was a legend in his own mind-I mean, time."
Uhlfelder announced that his campaign as presidential candidate will be
based on complete faculty autonomy, instantaneous tenure, and utmost
respect for disparate views, a platform he promises to place in effect im-
mediately after Hades reports widespread ice skating.
In a closing aside to reporters, Uhlfelder said, "Off the record, folks, all this cam-
paigning stuff is a drag and a complete waste of time. The chancellor has assured
me that the presidency is a lock. Adam says I am exactly what UF deserves. And to
show his utmost respect, he plans to name me the John Cleese Professor of Political
Architectural Triumph at Lake Alice
Shoreline masterpiece dedicated
he Center for Creative Parking
Solutions recently held the
dedication of its newest aesthetic
jewel. While the location at Lake Alice
was opposed by what the administration M N
called "bunny huggers," parking officials
declared, "Something had been miss-
ing around this otherwise useless area,
and now the ambience is complete. The
clean, parallel lines of the multiple park-
ing decks flow in joyful symmetry across
the water foreground, lending a certain
je ne sais quoi that will be difficult to
dismiss." The dedication was completed
by breaking a magnum of High Detergent
WD-40 across the entrance gate. ,. .
Plans were also unveiled for the next
parking garage, or as referred to at UF, Admirers gather daily to celebrate newly enhanced view at Lake Alice.
a Temporary Automotive Repository
(TAR), which will be added on the Plaza weight." Further clarifying his position, before Arts & Sciences tries to turn it into
of the Americas, another site that offi- he added, "Our objective is to spread TAR a useless people area."%
cials declared "was not carrying its fiscal around the campus on any remaining tract
Ravings, continued from page 1
naturals. It was a writing Valhalla."
"Ah, yes," she continued, "those
were the days. But look at us
now. We've got nothing to work
with. Oh, sure, there's Young and
Colbur, but come on. What kind
of Interim high-jinks can we pin
on them? I mean, Chuck may have
had some moments in his early days
at UCLA, but no one at UF cares
about that. Besides, the statue of
limitations has probably crumbled
by now anyway."
"But what about Colbur?" I
asked. "Surely he's always good
for a story."
"Well, that is a fall-back posi-
tion," another admitted. "We
can always go after his Napole-
onic complex, but he has behaved
himself so much better since his
promotion that a lot of the fun has
gone. He'll be back, of course, but
for now it's sparse pickings."
"So what do you think I can do
about it? How can I help?"
"Well, for starters, we'd like for
you to nominate Andy for presi-
dent. Just his return alone would
solve many of our problems. Then
if we could get Steve (Spurrier or
Uhlfelder) as Academic VP, future
April 1 issues would be secure for a
"Listen folks, I appreciate your
concerns, but I think you underes-
timate both yourselves and your
target audience. I have every
confidence that many unexplored,
high visibility stories are out there
just waiting to be written. Now quit
your cry-baby, whiney-ass sniveling
and go out there and do what you
do best. The Pulitzers are waiting."
They slowly left my office, mut-
tering under their breath. They
were not convinced, but I was. If
history has shown us nothing else, it
is this-as long as there's a Florida,
writers of their ilk will never want
for good material.
Flint Hall Gets Full Restoration
Plans call for complete authenticity
he renovation plans for
historic Hlint Hall (soon to be
Keene-Flint Hall) are on
schedule for completion by January
2001. University architect Al Dompe
indicates that this project, supported
by generous private funding from
Ken and Janet Keene, is very special,
in that it calls for full restoration of
the building to its original pristine
state. UF historian emeritus Sam
Proctor says it's about time: "Dean Flint Hall as it will look fully restored.
Harrison has been renovating these
old UF buildings all wrong. I have
tried to tell him, but you know he doesn't listen well. What we need for these treasured build-
ings is to get rid of any trace of modem accommodations. Back to the past, I say."
Dompe outlined plans for the authentic restoration called for by Proctor. This includes (1) re-
moval of all air conditioning, with dependence instead on window awnings; (2) replacement of
computers by vintage Underwood typewriters, the model currently used by Dr. Proctor; (3) shift
of rest room facilities from internal plumbing to "a little house out back;" (4) restriction of park-
ing permits only to vintage vehicles; and (4) in keeping with historical accuracy, the banning of
all women students and faculty from the building. Dompe is working closely with Janet Keene
to select period furniture from turn-of-the-century catalogs.
"When completed," said Dr. Proctor, "this building will look just like it did when Eddie Flint
and I first occupied the place in 1912. I'm sure the faculty and students will love what we have
done to recapture that time."
Proctor announced that his next project will be the restoration of the William Jennings Bryan
Lounge in Dauer Hall. "I intend to go directly to our dedicated CLAS benefactors, Ken and
Janet Keene, to talk with them about funding the restoration. Frankly, Janet Keene's architec-
tural taste and sense of history are much better than Dean Harrison's, and I know she will love
AlliCator System Expanded
Now SUS-wide in coverage
he Registrar's Office announces that its
popular and highly efficient Class
Room Allocation Program (CRAP) will
soon be expanded beyond campus borders to
permit further improvement of the system.
By closely matching class enrollment to class-
room capacity, a minimum amount of wasted
seating is guaranteed. CRAP software has
now been refined to incorporate all extrane-
ous classroom space at other SUS universities
into the UF inventory. The greatest opportu-
nity arises from a major excess of classroom
availability at the University of West Florida
(Pensacola). Gulf Coast University (Ft. My-
ers) also reports space to spare.
CRAP will take busy faculty and student
travel schedules into all due consideration,
with every intention to schedule UF classes no
more than three days a week at Pensacola or
Associate dean Lisa McElwee-White, CLAS space
czaress, is shown here on her tireless search for ad-
ditional classrooms. "Nobody ever promised faculty
a 10 minute walk. If I can get here on this bloody
beast, so can they."