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Win Phillips names new Dean of CLAS
Way around the college
CLAS becomes a named college following large donation
April 1, 1999
Vol. 13 The University of Florida College of Liberal Arts and Sciences
A Slogan for UF
At the highest levels of UF
(excluding Century Tower), it has been
decided that we need a new campaign
slogan to put the finishing touches
on our burgeoning corporate image.
CLAS, of course, is prepared to play its
normal cooperative role.
As you know, UF has received
incredible response to the current
mantra, "It's Performance That Ought
To Count." However, having milked
that sage observation to within a
shadow of its life, Tigert is now ready
to move on to the next motto maximus.
An administration spokesperson
has advised the deans, "We need
something catchy for the faculty to
rally around. Totally meaningless, of
course, but something you can't get out
of your head. No matter how hard you
Your crack CLAS management
team immediately lurched into
action, proposing a Slogan Contest.
In keeping with the democratic,
egalitarian decision-making process
at UF, how better to secure a People's
Slogan than by inviting faculty and
staff to submit insightful, compelling
entries. We're calling this competition
"A Shibboleth for the Millennium."
Early entries have been pouring in
already, including: "You Can Bank On
Us", and "Quality-A Concept Whose
Time May Yet Come...But Don't
Hold Your Breath," and the somewhat
obscure, "No One Does It To You Like
We invite you to submit your own
uplifting slogans, the printable ones of
which will be listed in future issues of
this learned journal.
Win Phillips Named New
Dean of CLAS
Capaldi Purge of Deans Continues
n yet another high level personnel move, Provost Betty
Capaldi sacked CLAS Dean Will Harrison and replaced
him with "the man in my life," Win Phillips. When
asked to comment, Capaldi said, "Well, I see this as
actually a family matter and really none of your business.
But if you must know, Mr. Nosey Britches, it's something
Win has always wanted. He just adores Will's office."
Capaldi announced that Phillips would retain his other
administrative duties as Vice President for Research, Dean
of the Graduate School, Dean of Engineering, and Lord
High Pooh-Bah. "I know some will say he may not have
time for the extra duties of running CLAS, but if Harrison
can handle it for 10 years, how hard can it be?"
Reached at his Turlington Hall office, a despondent
Harrison said, "I'm just devastated. All along, I thought
Betty really, really liked me. After my total devotion to all
her causes, this is how she treats me. See if I feed her rats any more."
Phillips announced that one of his first moves will be to "abolish the dreaded CLAS
logo." Next, he plans to subsume CLAS into the newly formed College of Engineering
and Auxiliary Disciplines.%
New Office for Geography Professor
President Lombardi announced today that
he has changed the office assignment of
Professor Ary Lamme from Turlington
Hall to a new location in the UF Bat House at
Lake Alice. Lamme, president of the Friends
of Lake Alice, recently was successful in
blocking the administration's desire to build
dormitories on the Bat House site.
Lombardi says there is no trace of
vindictiveness in his action. "As you know,
my administration is renowned for its
kind, generous treatment of our enemies, I
mean colleagues. This is just another clear
"Professor Lamme has long displayed his
undying affection for Lake Alice and those
lovable little dingbats, so it seemed the least
I could do was bring him in more extensive,
intimate association with his two passions."
"However, I do have one question for
Professor Lamme. Can you say guano!?"
Reached at his new Bat House office,
Lamme claimed he did like the proximity
to Lake Alice, but conceded certain
disadvantages of the Bat House office. "It's
actually a bit dark in here, and I find it best
to leave the office before dusk, when activity
picks up a lot. It is also a good idea to
cover all books at night. But, on the other
hand, students don't bother me a lot during
my office hours, and parking is never a
Way Around the College
Mike Zerner will be at Goerings this weekend to sign
copies of his new book, The Art of Holding Multiple
Padget Powell has signed a contract to write Monica: The
Rest of the Story. Powell anticipates a short book.
Elizabeth Langland has accepted a position as dean of
Enological Arts at UC-Davis.
During a recent oral history interview with Fidel Castro,
Julian Pleasants learned that El Presidente secretly plans
to defect from Cuba to pitch for the Florida Marlins.
Jane Brockmann has been named by President Lombardi
to head up Bank Appreciation Day, which will become a
festive, annual university-wide event.
History Prof Discovers Fountain of Youth
At a news conference yesterday,
Professor David Colburn
announced his discovery of the
IsC legendary Fountain of Youth,
sought since the days of Ponce de
Leon. Photos taken of Colburn
(see picture at left) convincingly
supported his assertion. Hawking
bottles of the youth-promoting
water, Colburn observed, "I'm
going to make a bundle off this
one, baby. The dean's office alone needs several tank cars
of the stuff."
Bob McMahon, chair of History, observed, "I'm
stunned. You would never know by looking that David
is in his mid 60s." And Colburn's wife, Marion, was
similarly amazed. "The last time he looked like that
was in high school. Since then it has been all down hill.
Mercy, he needed this."
However, his employer, UF Provost Elizabeth Capaldi,
had a different view of her Vice Provost's transformation,
attributing his youthful demeanor to the UF Bank.
"Unlike certain people in CLAS, David Colbum is a real
believer, and as I've told you a hundred times, terrific
things happen from the Bank. So when David truly
believed, and clicked his heels together three times, I saw
the change in him immediately."
Colbum described the only real problem as being
carded at all the local bars.%k
Secure Lucrative Endorsements
macintosh Corporation announced
Monday that they've struck a
deal with UF Provost Betty
Capaldi to be their official spokesperson.
The five-year, $49.95 contract includes a $7
signing bonus. "We think Provost Capaldi
will be extremely effective in motivat-
ing higher ed brass around the country to
invest in the best technology," said a MAC
spokesperson. "Plus, she's a gifted speaker
who blew us away with her off-the-cuff
slogan ideas like 'MAC's not dead. It'll be back.'"
Capaldi said she's thrilled to endorse the company's products and
that she'll "give ample time-at least two weeks-to all colleges to
change out their hardware" to reflect the new association.
According to the results of a recent Chronicle of Higher Education
marketing survey, the procurement of academic superstar spokesper-
sons like Capaldi to peddle professorial products may swiftly become
commonplace. "The Chronicle survey confirmed something for us
that we already suspected," says one Nike executive. "There's a vast
untapped demographic of university academics out there who are
dying to become more hip. They want to be told what to wear, read
and eat to make them more marketable. These academics-"Genera-
tion Prof'-have got money to spend," he
explains, "but little confidence in their
The unofficial word around the Col-
lege is that several CLAS faculty have
already been offered endorsement deals.
Cultural Studies maven Amitava
Kumar (right) has been tied to a well-
known chain of hair salons, and word
has it he may also be introducing a new .
line of trendy eyeglass frames (called
"Tenure Eyes") in an Eyeglass Express
spot to air later this semester.
As an offshoot of their "khakis swing" campaign the GAP plans
to inundate Gen-Proffers with a spate of ads col-
lectively referred to as "khakis ad nauseam." A
GAP insider revealed the company was in final
negotiations with the following CLAS notables:
Medievalist Al Shoaf for "khakis joust," Public
Opinion expert Ken Wald for "khakis politicize,"
and President John Lombardi for "khakis rule
with an iron fist."
And for Gen-Prof offspring: Honors Director
Sheila Dickison is reportedly in negotiations with
Mattel for an "Academic Barbie" (left) equipped
with a repertoire of phrases like, "That's DOC-
TOR Barbie, to you," "Publish or perish," "That's
soooo esoteric," and "Let's go get a latte."
Miniature hairbrush, framed PhD diploma, and
windowless office sold separately.%
I Lombardi: Songs for Inspiration
JVL with the Metropolitan Opera and Chorus
Gainesville 221787 2D $33.98
Just in time for that special graduate on your list, President John
V. Lombardi announces his new CD, which he says, is a "must-have
item." The CD features inspiring moments and rousing out-takes
from Lombardi's writing, speeches, and Ray Washington interviews,
all set to music with an Italian flavor.
"We think it will put Lombardi in the hearts and minds of
aspiring intellects all over the world," said Jack Battenfield, head
of University Relations. "And if not, I'll be flipping burgers at
The project was initiated in response to the Pope's recently
released LP. As Lombardi
noted, "It makes sense, since
both the Pope and I are
beloved charismatic leaders,
outstanding singers, and
Faculty, staff, and alumni
may order the new CD through
their local Gator Club, which
will contribute 10% of all proceeds directly to Coach Spurrier.k
Attention: Dean Dufty
Your car has been idling for 3 days in the Departing Flights lane at the Gainesville airport. Please give us a call.
Your wife doesn't know where you are either.
CLAS Becomes a Named College Following Large Donation
Dean Predicts Overwhelming Support of Faculty and Alumni
he college formerly known as CLAS took on a new
identity today with the announcement of an astounding
$50 million gift from the Phillip Morris Corporation.
At a press conference hosted by President Lombardi, Dean
Harrison and the Marlboro Man, plans were unveiled for a
complete makeover of the college, which will henceforth
be known as the Phillip Morris College of Liberal Arts and
Dean Harrison saw the name change as a non-issue with
faculty and alumni. "Who really cares what colleges are called
these days? This is hardly a controversial matter. As someone
once said, 'What's in a name?'"
Lombardi noted that traditional Arts & Sciences colleges
have become unduly stodgy and out-of-step with the times.
The Phillip Morris College will be dedicated to creative
curricula, specialized consumer issues, and goal-oriented
research. "For example," noted the president, "it has been my
personal conviction that tobacco is greatly misunderstood as
an entertainment product. I am convinced it is the paper in
cigarettes that causes the alleged health problems, not the lush,
aromatic leaf tobacco filling. On this basis, I believe it would be
more proper to levy a heavy tax on trees, thus discouraging the
wanton contamination of tobacco by the insidious effluents of
cigarette paper. Of course, at this point it is still just a theory."
One other small change announced was that the college logo
will be modified slightly
(see new model at right). L
"This is a small price
to pay for our exciting
"Besides, I never
really liked that
damn logo. I just iO
used it to irritate the
president." k /
Radelet Takes on New Private Sector Duties
M ike Radelet, chairman of Sociology and Defender of
Lost Causes, has been appointed to the Board of
Directors of EXECUTIONS 'A' US, a private, public
service organization whose mission is to reduce the backlog
on Death Row. Records obtained by CLAS sources show that
Radelet received stock worth approximately $3 million dollars
for his consulting duties. Associate Dean Joe Glover allowed
that this was "a little on the high side" for CLAS consultants, but
he "was certain that it was for a good cause."
The consulting agreement calls for Radelet to support a
"limited number" of executions each year, as long as they are
conducted in a humane manner.
"I resolutely refused to endorse their plans to draw and quarter
inmates," said Radelet. "Although it does have a certain visceral
appeal, and it pretty much does away with recidivism."
"It' s hard to put a price tag on this sort of thing," he
continued, "but about ten thou per event works for me. Hey, it's
not like they were going to live forever anyway."
"However, this is not about money. I do this to improve my
Bank position. No, not the UF Bank, you twit, mine."
Radelet insists that his love for his fellow man has not flagged.
"I really view this as following UF suggestions to increase our
Mike Radelet's latest outreach program. outreach activities.",%
Will the last dean to leave UF please turn out the lights.