Front Cover
 Front Matter
 Title Page
 Half Title
 Spoonful I
 Spoonful II
 Spoonful III
 Spoonful IV
 Spoonful V
 Spoonful VI
 Spoonful VII
 Spoonful VIII
 Spoonful IX
 Spoonful X
 Spoonful XI
 Spoonful XII
 Spoonful XIII
 Spoonful XIV
 Spoonful XV
 Spoonful XVI
 Spoonful XVII
 Spoonful XVIII
 Spoonful XIX
 Spoonful XX
 Spoonful XXI
 Spoonful XXII
 Spoonful XXIII
 Spoonful XXIV
 Spoonful XXV
 Spoonful XXVI
 Spoonful XXVII
 Spoonful XXVIII
 Spoonful XXIX
 Spoonful XXX
 Spoonful XXXI
 Spoonful XXXII
 Spoonful XXXIII
 Spoonful XXXIV
 Spoonful XXXV
 Spoonful XXXVI
 Spoonful XXXVII
 Spoonful XXXVIII
 Spoonful XXXIX
 Spoonful XL
 Spoonful XLI
 Spoonful XLII
 Spoonful XLIII
 Spoonful XLIV
 Spoonful XLV
 Spoonful XLVI
 Spoonful XLVII
 Spoonful XLVIII
 Spoonful XLIX
 Spoonful L
 Spoonful the Last
 Back Cover

Title: Sage stuffing for green goslings, or, Saws for the goose and saws for the gander
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00026308/00001
 Material Information
Title: Sage stuffing for green goslings, or, Saws for the goose and saws for the gander
Alternate Title: Saws for the goose and saws for the gander
Physical Description: 3, 236, 4 p., 1 leaf of plates : ill. ; 19 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Rowley, Hugh, 1833-1908
Rowley, Hugh, 1833-1908 ( Illustrator )
George Routledge and Sons ( Publisher )
Dalziel Brothers
Camden Press ( Printer )
Publisher: G. Routledge and Sons
Place of Publication: London
Manufacturer: Dalziel Brothers ; Camden Press
Publication Date: 1872
Subject: Wit and humor, Juvenile   ( lcsh )
Children -- Conduct of life -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Conduct of life -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Pleasure -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Courtship -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Etiquette -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Honesty -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Christian life -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Publishers' advertisements -- 1872   ( rbgenr )
Bldn -- 1872
Genre: Publishers' advertisements   ( rbgenr )
novel   ( marcgt )
Spatial Coverage: England -- London
Statement of Responsibility: by Hugh Rowley ; with one hundred and twenty illustrations by the author ; engraved by the brothers Dalziel.
General Note: Illustrations engraved by Dalziel after Rowley.
General Note: Publisher's advertisements follow text.
Funding: Preservation and Access for American and British Children's Literature, 1870-1889 (NEH PA-50860-00).
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00026308
Volume ID: VID00001
Source Institution: University of Florida
Holding Location: Baldwin Library of Historical Children's Literature in the Department of Special Collections and Area Studies, George A. Smathers Libraries, University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved, Board of Trustees of the University of Florida.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 002236798
notis - ALH7276
oclc - 04332577
lccn - 11018706

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Page 1
        Page 2
    Front Matter
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
    Title Page
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    Half Title
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
    Spoonful I
        Page 18
        Page 19
    Spoonful II
        Page 20
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
    Spoonful III
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 26
    Spoonful IV
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
        Page 31
    Spoonful V
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
    Spoonful VI
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
        Page 41
        Page 42
    Spoonful VII
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 46
    Spoonful VIII
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
    Spoonful IX
        Page 50
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
    Spoonful X
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
    Spoonful XI
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    Spoonful XII
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
    Spoonful XIII
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    Spoonful XIV
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
    Spoonful XV
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
    Spoonful XVI
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
    Spoonful XVII
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
    Spoonful XVIII
        Page 90
        Page 91
        Page 92
    Spoonful XIX
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
    Spoonful XX
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
    Spoonful XXI
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
    Spoonful XXII
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
    Spoonful XXIII
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
    Spoonful XXIV
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
    Spoonful XXV
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
    Spoonful XXVI
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
    Spoonful XXVII
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
    Spoonful XXVIII
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
    Spoonful XXIX
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
    Spoonful XXX
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
    Spoonful XXXI
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
    Spoonful XXXII
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
    Spoonful XXXIII
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
    Spoonful XXXIV
        Page 160
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
    Spoonful XXXV
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
    Spoonful XXXVI
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 172
    Spoonful XXXVII
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
    Spoonful XXXVIII
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
    Spoonful XXXIX
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
    Spoonful XL
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
    Spoonful XLI
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
    Spoonful XLII
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
    Spoonful XLIII
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
    Spoonful XLIV
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
    Spoonful XLV
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
    Spoonful XLVI
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
    Spoonful XLVII
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
    Spoonful XLVIII
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 230
    Spoonful XLIX
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 236
    Spoonful L
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
    Spoonful the Last
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 252
    Back Cover
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
Full Text

The Baldwin LibraryUnivmityofFlarid

I XA AS AA8 l CiC 1 V T 1 1SIA

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KLEiiI 3S 4 JIb 6 1Ii ILi rSr i1ffl 74Io







SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGSN NOflings do you feel disposedtIwith our sage stuffingSay O improper ganderswill you have our propaganda Say 0 ducks delicious little ducks can youduckline our seasoningSay O ye pretty smallfooted donkeys won t youdigest our pointed thistles Let us 0 blockheads cut youto the quick if you ve got one with the double toothedI

2 Sage Stufing Jorsaws of knowingness 0 green blades permit us to mot youSay 0 bores shall our pearls be cast before you to no purpose Say 0 swaggering stoopid big babes and cigarsucklings shall our bells jingle their Proverbial Foolosophyfor you in vain No we rather imagine not We knowthat the words of wisdom nowadays are generally lookedupon as a nuisance a feahful bawah Plato s sayings youcall platotudes Scissaro makes you want to cut itPausanias can t make any ass pause Bruyere puts youinto a mental brouillard and you think he isn t half as muchthe cheese as gruyere you like Lamb in any other formbut Charles you leave your Locke unopened you don tcare to save your Bacon Tupper isn t tuppermost in yourthoughts unint Horace ting to you is Horace unless atAsscott or Donkeystir you can t bear moral songs muchless Suffer gless poor old Sophocles and agilis viridisquesenectus Paddy Green If any one recommend you toGoethe entire animal with the most Schillerbrated Germansor Shakespeare you only answer Mon cher Shakespearedejd d ennui you like meandering more than Menandering you probably know Laura but your ignorance ofPetrarch is depLaurable you think more of your whiskersthan your wits more of inScipioent moustachios thanScipio more of your boots than your brains you won thave a Bunyan if you can help it though Young yourNight Thoughts are really well notworth much you affect venal Jews more than Juvenal

Green Goslings 3quite Bulwerser Lord Lytton by skipping every word butthe story in his books pass Vi r gils and fastsover sacrifice Xenophon to a scene of fun and consume themidnight oil on the sole condition that it be intimatelyblended with vinegar mustard lobsters c c c etceteraWhy is this 0 gobe mouches Why 0 why is it thusIs it because everything the axiomatic swells ancient andmodern say is too heavily put because all their proverbsare solemn uns because they don t amuse you becausethey are too dry for your palate because they re a pack ofold duffers eh Of course Therefore we are going tosage stuff you more lightly more crummyly more Burlodramaticcally and more easily for you to take in but aswe know we too might lead you to the undiluted water andnot make you drink we are going to try the effect of putting a little spirit in this same water a little spice in it aknob or two of sugar a slice of lemon or so and somethingelse besides of an everfizzing character to make it sparkleand tempt you to imbibe it 0 Gander with gooseto Besides laying our own eggsperience before you we shall alsoomeletauxfilzesherbesify the eggsperience of others and whenour sage stuffing rebukes you we hope its effect will beto make some of you pull up the green blinds of unwisdomwhich so many of you will keep carefully drawn down as ifS common sense lay dead within youWe shall watch to see if you improve we know you 01 2

4 Sage Stuffing forGoslings as we meet you every day iri the Row at the clubat the play we sit next you on the same coaches dine atthe same houses drink sherry with you at Poole s stop atthe same places sail in the same yots stalk the same dearshunt the same game flirt with the same women for thespirit of Fun is everywhereA chiel s amang ye takin notesAn faith he ll prent itbut don t please do not be angry for remember it s onlywritten inf 4

READER dear Reader we are about to commence pessimisticising and sage stuffing you we are about to give youa sharp sauce which is equally sauce for the goose and saucefor the gander of our own manufacture you may perhapsit is not impossible now and then find us using the ingredients of others as our own but remember if you shouldthat we only so use them as our hone to sharpen our dulledge or blunt point upon them not that we should have thevery faintest scruple in using anybody else s jokes ideasetc if cribbing and plagiarism were in our line inasmuch asno end of people use ours but as it isn t we don t exceptas we say as a hone If you are already sage you may beques scais je you can and most probably will quote oursagejestsions to your less wise friends and acquaintanceS as your own but if you are not as we are about with ourProverbial Foolosophy to out Tupper Tupper it will beyour own fault if you find us like the unhappy man whose

6 Sage StuIinzg forwritings alas were said to be eternal as he wroteto no end Having thus told you what we are going to dowe are now going to do it permit us to offer you ourSPOONFUL IBurns says0 wad some power the giftie gie usTo see oursels as ithers see usHe makes a mistake for you ought dear boy to be exceedingly thankful for the sake of your own peace of mindthat it is impossible and impossible it is as you dhave to get bekind your own back to do itKnow thyself says the sage Quite so Ha ha by allmeans know thyself but tell it not in Bath publish it notin the streets of Brighton don t pray don t let anybodyelse know what you knowThe difference between a good man and a good felleris simply enormous The difference between a goodwoman and a good looking one is even more stupendousThe D v l they say is not so black as he ispainted Dear reader you may feel quite certain that heis exactly the colour you like bestYou like young ladies of course you do we shouldutterly despise you if you did not for what can be more

SGreen Goslings 7S j iientrancing nevertheless you take our advice and if youwould get on don t neglect the more olderly onesA beautiful woman with no feeling no soul is like asilk stocking with no no no ankle in itDefinition of a woman who paints ahem TheLady of the LakeWhen lovely woman stoops to follyShe does it cos she thinks it s jollyOh stoopid stoopid stooping stoopid femalesGentle Reader pardon our exceedingly mild sarcasm butwe have ventured to draw you a black Amour here goingthe way most amours do go Gentle Reader he is goingto break down77

8 Sage Stfing forSPOONFUL II7a l l Z1 U L lL 11 I U U G cUST only just frozen yet on you goc skating Just only just introducedyet on you go flirting In thefirst case before you know where you are you arelet in in the second case before you know where you

are you can t get out of it In the first casethe water is cold but in the second hang it it s hotwater you get into Why not wait dear boy till youraffections like the more solid bank on which it would beso much wiser to remain are ripaReader there has been more coming down heavilyboth on the ice and in the world in connection with thefigure called Cupid s bow than perhaps with any otherRemember this in skating and in worldly matters thegreat thing is having a good balance and being able tokeep it on the ice and the Bank Cuttingthrees double threes eights noughts and so on on the oneisn t half such good fun as drawing them on the otherJust act in the world as you would on rotten iceavoid that which is dangerous Don t say it s difficult todiscover its rottenness its superficiality Bahyou know all about it as well as any one it don t hideitself under a bushel or even a bush the real secret is youdon t want to see it because it s niceApropos of skating c remember this Pleasure isselfish that which is joy to you means cold hunger firelessness starvation death even to others if you like skating whilst others are frozen if you like swimming whilsthundreds of shipwrecked wrvetches may possibly be battlingwith death in the same sea don t as the wit says subscribe to Exeter Hall Missionaries for not half the peoplego to the d 1 that ought to nor let your charity begin at

o1 Sage Stuffing forhome and stop there but much more to the purpose becharitable at X mas time and send a fiver now and then tothe Life Boat InstitutionThe King of Prussia has been called the Will of Providence To get rid of him the French have now to payS the Bill of im providenceThe last thing the King of Prussia said at Versailles wascertainly the best thing he said whilst h6 was there hesaid in his own German vay Je m en vaisFrance poor France for you has commencedthe Rain of TearsFrench cooking is wholesome enough but an entree a laPrusse will always make the Gaul to riseA contented mind is a continual feast yes perhapsbut there are men gastrophilistic parties whose god istheir tum tum whose Paradise is Eden an drinkin whoread it that a continual feast is the best way of getting acontented mindThe cook who curries your lobsters chickens c cc to perfection can hardly fail also to curryyour favourPaunch A la Remain A man who sticks to the tableA man who has a paunchant for eatingP S Don t call a man who sticks to the table gluttonous glutinous is the wordWhine from the wood A creaking doorAn un flattering Port trait A red nose

Green Goslings IIA Mayor s nest GuildhallYes there is no doubt about it a short cut to the heartis frequently through the stomachReader Beloved Reader we hear people spoken of assponges awful sponges tremendous sponges Haha it isn t water THEY absorb though anything but it04a

12 Sage Stuffing forSPOONFUL IIINGENUOUS YOUTH haveyou a young lady in youreye if so mind itDo as you would be doneby This is entirely Smithkinson s creed for his married life is not happy heprotests he shall only be toor delighted to run away withrs Somebody provided hecan only guarantee Mr Somebody s running away withMrs Smithkinson RuffianAn intellegshowall if not an intellectual treatThe BalletMrs Eyebury Barnes has we are informed taken upher cross Nonsense we don t believe it unlessS it is a good big diamond one

Green Goshzngs 13Mrs Skippingtone Smyijthe Smyijthe widow has weare told put off the old man yes quite so butsimply because all the young ones had first put heroffHow many a time has love dimmed the eye of Beautyand and ah sad retribution how many a time has themouth of Beauty dim d LoveNemo mortalium omnibus horis sapit no one can tellwho he sits next to in an omnibus clever poetThe most dangerous tho most entrancing form of Rougeet Noir Ladies lips and bootsWe hear of people who have pet dogs that do everything but speak by the living jingo it s lucky forthem for both of them dogs and owners they don t dothatWhen about to make a phool of yourself ask yourselfthis question Is she worth going to the the Bad forWe should like to have an even hundred on our ability toguess your answer ehCaning a boy for whistling on the Sabbath is perhaps thebest yes perhaps the very best way to make him cordiallydetest that weekly event for ever afterwards it is quite assure a way as taking him three times to church every Sunday of his holidaysHow many a swellish party we see in the Row andSt James s Street A stranger unacknowledg d unapprov d is like the wind of Heaven le comes you knownot whence and he goes you know not whither

14 Sage Stuffing forMoney in this world can do nearly everything for youit can make your home a mundane s ium c c cbut it can not make you a gentlemanThere s many a cloven hoof wears patent leatherWe are very much afraid could Mephistopheles onlywalk about London A D 1871 offering a good many of uselderly parties the same bargain he offered Dr Faustusthat there would incontinently be a very sensible in creasein the number of youthful Burlington Arcadians and acorresponding de crease in the number of padded bewiggedold gentlemanly bores one is now accustomed to see abouttown

Green Gosibngs 15SPOONFUL IVES yes of courseL you 0 Cornet and1 I Sub lieutenantRi Lord Doffleswellmay get up yourrocking animal sI spirit with yourspurto genteel ifyou think it lookswell and if you areweak enough toimagine peopledon t know howit s done but theless accustomed tohorses reader andrider who wouldbecome the centaur of admiring observation had better

most carefully remember unless he wish to be sentaw flying that he must first be able gracefullyand by Bellerophon securely to show on before he risksS showing offWhen the poet saidThe proper study of mankind is manhe was in error that is the study of womankind theproper study of mankind is ladiesThe female heart is like iron softest when warmest weshould then attack it whilst it s maleableWhen other hearts and other lips their tales of loveshall etc etc etc if you are a lady go and tell yourhusband immediately if you are a gentleman do NOT tellyour wifeHandsome is as handsome does if you are a gentlemanbe gentle nothing is more admired by other men andN B and by women than gentlemanlinessLet the only thing low about you be your voiceOnly do half as well as you would be done by andwhat an agreeable fellow you will beWe hear people spoken of as being no better than theyought to be This is very sad considering the height ofthe 1871 standard of goodnessHabit and custom become like use a sort of secondnature the habit or custom of not using pockethandkerchiefs sufficiently often to very young children is most

Green Goslings 17highly to be reprehended as is also the habit or customolder children have of chewing and sucking toothpicksnoisily chewing and sucking them to show we can onlypresume they have had some dinner Ah goslings yourhundred stoopid little tricks do stop em before they become a habit don t chew toothpicks and oh please donot rattle a lot of loose sovereigns etc in your trowserspockets you ve no idea how you bore people whose teethare not defective but whose supply of sovereigns perhapsS isDo you know what the Cinque Cento is Do youNot you well we ll tell you it is the love of Mammonsimply the unutterably snobbish worship of money let uscall it s d eism if that s not the Chink we rechained to every man Jack of us and woman too we can tvery well say what else isOf two evils choose the lesser of two foolsthe richerMany a man who passes through life simply as anagreeable diner out might have done wonders if he hadonly been poorer Competence and toomanyironsinthefireishness squash talent How hod it is yet many a fellowwho is contented to be considered only a brick at thebottom of the ladder might we trow well with his cementstalents have im mortar lized himself if he had been unableto come down with the dust if he had only beenhard up2

18 Sage Stuffing forThe difference between being a Rochefoucauld anda riche fou call d is immense rich fools would do well totry and lessen it however of two evils choose the lesserBetter be a rich fool than a poor one any dayO reader youthful roving racing riding hippomaniacalreader 0 remember thisThe medi evil bold baronial swell s Fastnesspreserved him the 1871 swell s fastness does pre ciselythe other thingThe medievil bold baronial swell s fastness enabled himto rob and plunder with impunity the 1871 swell s fastnesssimply enables people to rob and plunder himThe medievil b b swell s fastness was fortified the 1871swell s fastness is forty per cent ifiedThe medievil bold baronial swell in his fastness used tokeep captives waiting for ransom the 1871 swell in hisfastness thinks far more of keeping himself captive atingand handsomeThe medievil bold baronial swell in his fastness usedthe bill and drew the bow but the 1871 swell in hisfastness uses up the beau by drawing the billAnd the medievil bold baronial swell had in his fastnessdunjons but the 1871 swell has in his fastnessonly duns without any jons no chonce whatever of paying themOh be advised ye swells in your 1871 Fastness denarcotize yourselves from the mental De Quinceyfications

Green Goslings 19of its vapid but intoxicating pleasures ere it become foryou a ruin and tumble about your ears let not its ivyits parasites cling to you and thrive on your decayOh be warned in time ye 1871 swells in your modernCastle of Indolence take its moat out of youreye beware of its awful cells pay less attention to the fitof its drawbridges think of the expense of its keep andraze it don t race it to the ground4

20 Sage Stuffing forSPOONFUL VSadvice to meddlingpeople who alwayslike to try and findz out a woman s Hhow old she isLetter H aloneHere you are theSI much wanted letterS H for the Greek alphabet for whichby the bye the curry comb o ontes akaioi ought to thankus a lovely Grecian bent one Here you are the letterH Lord Byron or whoever wrote the celebrated conundrummeant when he said it s too long to quote the whole of it

Green Goslings 21Without it the ensign and middy should roamBut law suits for him who expels it from homeIt presides o er man s happiness honour and healthIs the prop of his house and the end of his wealthYou tell us it s not an H ural position but quefoolez vousis that our fault No it s yours dear Sir and Madamyou insist upon admiring it and nothing evidently willmake you drop itThe Golden Age A D 1871 N B HairdyeWhenever by any chance we go through the BurlingtonArcade which is seldom as our bootmaker lives in it wedon t care to be Buhl ied tho we Bernau malice wheneverwe do go through it we are sure quite certain to meet thatp tit creve Toddlekins Toddlekins house by the bye whereM3rs Toddlekins lives is a trifle beyond Windsor and at lastwe rather twit him with his Arcadian rambling say slydog and the usual amount of feeble feeble twaddle onealways employs when wishing to flatter a man by makinghim think himself a gay Lothario an 1871 Zampa butToddlekins is equal to the occasion he spurns he scornsthe implied accusations of Dongiovarneyism and assuresus quite seriously Ha ha quite seriously that his doctorit s too ridiculous that his medical adviser his physicianhas ordcred N B please observe ordered his Burlington Arcade promenade that being such a niceDRY place

22 Sage Stuffing forThe other day Smyijthe when he started his new mailphaeton completely overran the constable We are happyto say the constable was not at all injuredP S Smyijthe wasSomebody once asked what is a guinea Do youknow the real value of a pound If not just try and earna few you ll soon find outWe all know the upshot or down shot rather of sittingbetween two stools but how about sitting between twofools isn t the im idiot neighbourhood of ati ass as badEh RatherFamiliarity dearest Mrs Jarmingal breeds allsorts of things but among the most to be dreaded of herchildren are satiety indifference and contempt We areperfectly aware that some people consider it the thing tocrimp the hair to put it in curl papers and otherwise prepare for making themselves look beautiful on the morrowbut belle dame we put it you as mildly as possible whatnow what does your sposo think of it how does he like theprivate over night arrangements your night cap pillar ypreparations which you make for the sake of obtainingSociety s valuable admiration next day does he consider the game worth the pair of candles you invariably useover it Remember dear Mrs Jarmingal he fell in lovewith you when you were got up number onein the programme and he may it is not impossible fallout again if you are never more so for him Is it fair

Green Ccostings 23to say nothing of untidy slippers curl papers curling tongssticky glycerine paste c c c et cetera is it fair torun the chance of putting his eye out with hair pins a misfortune which frequently hairpins to husbands of crimpyhaired ladies and to otherwise besides this state of frightfulporcupineism number two render un captivating all thebeauty he married to be his and his only for ever Is itfair No certainly not Familiarity sweetest lady breedsindifference indifference breeds don t care ishness don tcare ishness slights slights annoyance annoyance angeranger quarrels quarrels rows and Rows many Rows infallibly breeds wretchedness most utter wretchedness andPenzance Be good enough dear Mrs Jarmingal toBeware Mrs J you will oblige us you will oblige us verymuch indeed by BewaringI

24 Sage Stuffing forSPOONFUL VIL LIN GLY wesubscribe tothe theorythat if therewere no boresin the worldS pleasurea b bu half itsenjoyableness A wet day for instance is a bore we abhor butwithout rain we know we should have no hunting no peasno cover for our birds no soft water for our tub Duns area bore but if we were not dunned by tradesmen wherewould be the gratification of being able to pay our billsThe bore may have his mission may even be of use if youlike in Society but the fact of knowing this don t make us

Green Goslings 25love bores any the more and confound em what a lotone meets every dayWe are hardly ass enough to try and be a second Hercules and attempt to strangle the Hydra of Boredom he stoo like the other party who every time he touched hismother earth was more alive and kicking than ever he snot to be strangled but we may we presume talk abouthim and mention a few of his weaknesses in order that youmay rechognize your own pigculiarities and act accordinglyLet us more in sorrow than in anger begin with thesound advice giving bore look at the four ReverendSpanish Ecclesiastics delineated above three of the holymen you will perhaps be kind enough to observe are utterlyunsettled in their minds upset quite miserable and perspiring from every pore because simply because the fourthholy man has thought it his duty to give them his candidopinion and a bit of his mindWe all know that sort of boreThen there s the JOB ly comforting bore let us imagine small pox or cholera or elephantiasis or lumbagosmall pox he prefers to be very prevalent then he s in hiselement He finds out that you have either not or thatyou just have been vaccinated in the first case he informsyou that 1897 people expired only yesterday and advisesyour immediate vaccination in the second case he tells youthat vaccination is often attended with far more serious consequences than anything else in the world that it renders

26 Sage Stuffing foryou always more liable to softening of the brain and hardening of the vesicles of the cutaneous malacopterygious andsub interior tissues of the mucous membrane and so on onon Then there s the practical joking or bear fightingbore who is sure to tell you when he meets you in the parkthat it was your house or at any rate the one next door toit which he heard was in flames when he passed the endof your street just now Then there s the engaged couplebore you meet and have to stay with in a country housearen t they a bore aren t they even an ubiquitous bore Ifyou go into the billiard room to knock the balls about therethey are with the present state of their game twolove or love six if you go into the library for abook there they are again if you go to cut a rose for yourcoat at dinner there they are in the gardens there theyare in the drawing rooms morning rooms dining roombreakfast room green houses hothouses everywhere andalways there just when you want to be there too and youdaren t interrupt em or everybody would yell at youThey are a great boreThen there s the malapropos bore who when he meetsyou walking with your olderly and alas unfortunately veryjealous wife pokes you in the ribs calls you sly dog andsays I ll tell your wife you ruffian you This IS mywife you indignantly answer you introduce em MrsPortarlington Smith Mr Potius Aper Oh I really begyour pardon he apologizes but I certainly thought that

Green Goslings 27very lovely fair haired girl I saw you alone in a privatebox with at the theatre c c c0out a little volume of poems and would A so like youropinion of a few stanzas or so that my frend would1APleasant isn t itThen there s the bore who is just thinking of bringingout a little volume of poems and would oh so like youropinion of a few stanzas or so 0 that my friend wouldonly be good enough NOT to write a book Jobmight also have said Then there s the bore who is perpetually bragging of his shooting knowing perfectly well thathe never shot anything in his life but a 30o dog or a abeaterYou ve the bore too who mixes your 20 port with water

28 Sage Stuffing forand who chews for ten minutes preparatory to chuckingem away your best 1 6 cigars you ve the pedantic borewho objects to any other sort of antic you ve the absentbore who is certainly always in the wrong for not beingabsent you ve the bore who has always according to hisown account a Duchess or at any rate a Countess dyingfor him you ve the chemically conjuring bore who nearlyblows the house up and does 19 of damage before youcan say Fred Robinson then there s the old china andmarqueterie cabinet bargaining bore who will insist ontaking you into filthy slummy purlieus to look at shammediaeval rubbish and who tells you the price of everythinghe possesses even to his socks and pocket handkerchiefsalso the incorrectly musical humming bore the old JoeMiller tary story telling bore the bore who don t mincematters with anybody and the bore who does with everybody the betting bore with his horse voice and ossy fiedheart the sponge bore who by the bye is invariably drywho never has any small change to pay his share of a cab orwhat not and who has invariably just emptied his cigarcase the argumentative interrupting and contradictorybore the bore who insists upon your dining with him andwho then gives you foul food not half as good as you wouldhave got at home the spirit medium believer bore thisspecies as the spirits he delights in are not real we call themyth elated bore the spiteful black tongued tale bearingbore the near sighted bore who cuts you dead the deaf

Green Goslings 29bore who unfortunately won t cut you at all the melancholy bore the frisky bore the borrowing bore the pugnacious bore the sleepy bore the next door neigh borethe important bore and the invalid boreThe invalid bore is a boreThe bilious man with an indifferent liver is seldomamusing at the best of times for when he s a weak jecurhe s generally a weak joker as with bad coffee the horridchicory s sure to predominate so with the bilious man hishorrid jecur is sure to be his first thought but when hemakes you his confidant about his pains pills pangs poultices and plaisters Bohoo isn t he a bore Does he expectto please you by an account of all his sufferings does heexpect to gratify you or is it upon the dog in the mangerprinciple as he s no appetite himself he wishes to take awayyours The invalid bore should go to bed and stop thereS at any rate till he gets betterThen there s the bore who always jejunely asks for alittle sherry or some bread if you please or what notand lets you see his mind is intent on getting it and it onlyjust while you are telling him your best and least knownstory Is he a bore RatherUpon our word amico we are almost inclined to thinkthat the wild bore of the woods is better fun than the mildbore of the cities one you can hunt t other hunts youone you can pot t others spot you one s head is valuablewith a lemon in his mouth t other s is not at all valuable

30 Sage Stuffizg forwith or without a lemon in his mouth out of one you mayget ham t other gets ham and confound him eggs tooout of you one chews roots t other chews his che roots thatis chooses your cheroots one eats trees acorns c t otherprefers to gnaw away at your makogany one whets histusks upon anything suitable for instance green oakst other only wets his tusks with your best Pomerey andGreenoReader we are told that by feeding our enemy we heapcoals of fire upon his head it may be so but we regretvery much very much indeed that we must say we havenever yet come across any one member of the genus borewho made the very faintest pretence of acting as if he considered it was so or who in the very least degree objectedto such a coald coallationaJ rzk i

Green Goslings 31SPOONFUL VIIHE very highest stations inthis life are attended witha certain amount of dangerand anxiety to those whofill them the troubles ofthe great are known onlySto the great andand attendantsoot alightsTrue greatness does not consist in being a big man thisis a mistake most big men appear to labour under Beautyof proportion does not consist in being very small this isa mistake most small men appear to labour underIn Vino Veritas Bah not in vino s it In vino impertinent imbesilly stupidity more likelyWe hear people perpetually saying Ah poor so and sohe died like an angel What s the use of dying like anangel after living as long as possible like a beast

32 Sage Stuffing forA needless remark give the d 1 his JewHe takes him dear boy and his Christian tooThe amount of cheek some people have will indubitably prevent their ever being put out of countenanceModesty can be carried too far The lady who worespectacles to hide her n k d eyes was a silly creecharPlain bet you a fiver she was plain dayvlish plainEvery dog has his or her dayThere is no doubt about it the most beautiful the mostcharming ALICE in the wide world when her figure issufficiently ample is Alice D sweetsweet s dA fool and his money and his cigars and his breakfastsand his private affairs and his conversation and his toutela boutique are soon parted if N very B if he is a goodnatured fool the bad natured fool simply parts with thatwhich he knows no one will take hisadviceWhat a much happier gosling you would be and oh howmuch happier your friends will be if you would only keepyour bills down half as carefully as you do yourwristbandsBe strong athletic stoopids if you like certainly by allmeans but please do be natural don t try and look sostrong please look comfortable We don t allude to realrowing men c but to their imit eightoarsReader gentle reader have you ever yet come across the

Green Goslings 33man or the woman who according to their own accounthas not once been most PASH onately adoredAWe constantly hear associated and toasted The threeW s Wine Weeds and Wome i it is a very commontoast yet dear Peruser how exceedingly different are thesethree if you will only think it out The two formerimprove by age the ah the latter don tYes clever boy you are quite right the Old Mastersare preferable to the Old MissusesWe should almost be inclined to imagine that some ofthe very charming young married women who so often actas chaperones were more in want of guardians for themselves than the spinsters of a certain a very certain agethey frequently act for however if these pets of ball roomc Cerberuses don t mind it and Society says it s all3

34 Sage Stuffing forright what is it to us only we should say that a pootychaperoner was fatal to the chaperoned for she is far lessdangerous to throw sops to than the poor souls she guardsWith the Cerberus of fable they chucked him a cakewith our Cerberus you d like to to chuck herunder the chinI lil

Green Goslings 35SPOONFUL VIII4F oi EADER there is nothing likeaccustoming your chilo dren early to the influence of great very greatmen Miss Nomer thenursemaiden here whenshe puts on her smartWithout the smile from partial beauty wonOh what were man A world without a sunand heirOn the 28th instant the wife of the Rev SeptimiusGodolphin Jones M A of a son stillborn P S N B13 2

36 Sage Stuffing forThe Rev Mrs Septimius Godolphin Jones M A ma hashowever several other small sons who do their very best tomake up for this mishap by living as noisily as possibleIn France ce n est que le snake colour indeed ce n est quele premier pas qui colte in our pays in England il n y aque poor Pa paysDid any one ever hear a very short man acknowledge hewould like to be as tall as a household troop six feet threeor so Did any one ever live in a very seedy lodging thelandlady of which had not once kep er carridgeUnfortunately lady land lady P S But we dhope she will be so very kind as to wash her hands beforemaking our pastry as this nature printed impression wasin replica on everything she touched this morningTo think that Poverty hated Poverty keeps us under sucha dooced dirty thumb as this it s too disagreeableA penny saved is a penny gained Upon this principlethe way to win at pool and whist is N B This dear boyis a certainty Don t play but if you must play

Green Goslings 37do it for shillings take away the and then perhaps youmay find play payFamiliarity with your servant especially breeds contempt and yet if you never speak nicely to him it breedsdiscouragement and discontent have therefore 0 captaina juste milieu between the Scylla of treating him as an equaland the Charybdis of treating him like a dog and thenperhaps he will not go to Creeemorne in your best greatcoat and then perhaps he will not to pay you out putboiling water some morning in your douche take himshower bath in place of cold1 KRil I IIN i UK

38 Sage Stufing forSPOONFUL IXSUNDAY outersSS u n d a y t r ip p e r se t i t m o n d e e nS dimzanck Sunday threeand sixpen nyday excursionists Sunday sandwiches there is one most excellentmaxim which as the junketting season is now coming onyou will do well to study in both its meanings it is Always keep your right foot forward The sage when hesaid this neant persevere do your best lose no timeand such like flatitudes when we repeat his words we use

Green Gosliigs 39them altogether in another sense Oh Mr TompkingsMessrs Chepe and Gnarsties the eminent haberdasherstrusted and elegant assistant O Mr Tompkings when siryou so gracefully escort two invariably two of the youngladies from the Millinery Department who are kind enoughto keep company with you on your Sunday trips wouldyou oh would you keyindly MOST curly hatted one wouldyou confer the favour on us of keeping your right foot forward onlyprovided the before alluded to two young damselsfrom the M department keep their right foot forward tooat the same time as yours in plain language why the doocedon t you keep step And you too 0 more distant thonot less elegantly oiled and curled and overpoweringlyscented Italian warehouseman grocer cavaleary servantyto Susan and Matilda Martha why the Mephistopheles doyou not never keep step neither0 dashing haberdasher 0 light hearted linendraper 0tasty Tompkings and 0 gracefully greasy grocer pleaseplease keep step to say nothing of the look of the thingN B you 11 never be taken for officers if you don t keepit we feel convinced it would be so much more comfortableto do so just try it and seeBrown a rather un tubbed man in an office somewhereyou know clerk says he is perpetually being hauled overthe coals by his chief he looks as if he were but that heintends to wash his hands of the whole concern goodthing anything makes him wash em at all as he is clean

40 Sage Stuffing forknocked over by it knocked over Brown possibly but notclean certainly not cleanWhere scent is in abundance foundAll s not sweet and all s not soundWonderful compass Smith s voice has on Sundays onthe boat he begins A flat and goes right up to Kew Marvellous isn t it but what s more extraordinary still hekeeps it up all the way there Possibly you could do it ifit s not ex sostenuto much tryV Vernal showers says Arry who has come out in hisSunday at vernal showers be blowed in vernal showersI calls emP S Arry deserves to cadjer bad coldWe beg pardon for asking it but is it necessary forcounter jumpers to use counter feet We are thus inquisitive because they so often doAppropriate flower for some men s coats not a daffadowndilly but a duffer down Picca dillyCleanliness may be godliness yet how many men arethere not who think a great deal more of having a blue tieon than of ablutionThey say a man s style of dress gives a clue to his character What precious bad characters some of you fellersare then to be sure Augustus any one can recognize youin your lion s skin and your Asstrachan skin and your sealskin it don t require one to be very in telligent to tell a

Green Goslings 41gent in stanter for that which you look upon as nobbyother people only look upon as snobby don t be a phooland pretend to be what you are not for you doit so badly Miss Mary hanne igs of igate dear borrerdplooms is hojus Look at these ostriches without their lostriches their feathers well they don t look half as bad without them as you do with emzdI

42 Sage Stuffing forSPOONFUL XEEP BO Certainly byall means PEEP BO i inearly youth or with earlyyouth is quite charminggreat fun immense excitement but don t haveA J j to play peep bo later onwith the parties whosend out those beastly dun coloured documents with thepeople who use those disgusting dark blue wove envelopes and letter paper don t have to play it with dunscreditors harpies who ll be each one only too harpy tobe however well you may talk creditor jump down yourthroat if you attempt to put em off They 11 say Bo toyou O goose in a jiffey if you give them but half a chancenot peep bo but limbo Do not do itWe are told to take care of the pennies and that the

Green Goslings 43pounds will then take care of themselves we don t believea word of it you take care of the sovereigns and flversdear boy and hang the coppersBuying jewellery and paying for it are twoutterly different mattersThe burnt child may dread the fire but it don t preventhis keeping on burning his fingersWe are constantly hearing the remark that So and Sohas got it in him Do for goodness sake Soand So if you have got it in you do DO let s have itoutWe call the Spaniard indolent he calls an EnglishmanIng lazy the difference between the two is sometimesthis with the indolent Spaniard ask him to do anythingno matter what everything is anana tomorrow With the indolent Inglazy spendthrift everythingis buy an buy With the Spaniard how sad thisis perhaps said by an ecclesiastic when he oughtto pray with the spendthrift how sad this is perhaps saidwhen for a necklace he has tick and he oughtto payWalk in the path of Virtue N B Providedit s your ownThe housemaid who ah rises in the social spherefrom the use of a broom in Belgraveyah to the use of abrougham in Brompton simply drops one more H shehas dropt many in her time but this last one puts a straw

44 Sage Stuffing forcoloured chignon on the camel s back hitherto cleaning outhearths has daily been her first occupation now her entiredaily ditto is doing ditto to heartsThe wicked man who is rich is not by any manner ofmeans a wicked man Oh dear no he s a naughtymanHere s something for little Smirk M P to dodge up tobring into his next speech it may pass for ouiginal for hisown among strangersMr Mayor and gentlemen the Wooden Walls of OldEngland are quite put in the shade just now by theah Ram parts of our Iron cladslaughter and brayvo may they however Hear hear andcheers may they prove hardships to our foes Brayvohooray may they Hear hear ear ear may they oorayfor Smirk angcore may they ear ear in their sea ram icquality immense cheering from two men who alone see the joke whichwe Englishmen have spent a a Minton same two mencheer again never prove brittle No no and great applausefrom all parts of the house no never prove brittle butah but BreakingSmirk M P think of thisWe hear people spoken of as not having a second ideaPshaw that s nothing we know a lot of people whohaven t even a first oneThe part of the Park men like to bask in alone TheLady s smile

Green Goslings 45Dining with the Blues and having the blues at dinneris not in the least the same thingThe difference between having a swell face and a swell dface is very unpleasant is very distressing is most disagreeableYou may learn something from the very greatest foolwhat NOT to doMany a mqn who is put up for a club gets itAhem three black balls and rely upon it that to makeit quite perfect some mauvaise langue some kind friendwill most certainly be found only too ready and willing tosupply the little black tail afterwardsReader gentle reader never act against a convictionnever if you feel that you are about to commit a sottisein plain language about to make a thundering ass of yourself refrain and let no amount of bamboozlement makeyou leave off refraining Look at Bridges Loader below heacted against a conviction observe the result Disagreeable eh Very much so indeed and this is how it happenedYou know the way amateur theatrical dresses sent downto country houses invariably arrive incomplete Charles II

46 Sage Stufjing forgets no wig and unless some lady will take compassionon him and kindly lend him one of her evening headdresses a curled one has to appear cropped like a convictor a cornet or Claude gets no white tights and has toadore his Pauline in his own black velvet knickerbockerswell it was something like this happened to Bridges Loaderwith his dress as The Assassin of Henry of Navarreand he will navarre forget it He got no sword butas he had to run a sword slap through poor Henery a swordwas indispensable he got as you can perceive his legs allright ones warranted not to come down or turn roundunlike poor Robinson s when he did Henry VIII whosecalf which was not kept up tight by the Honi soit que maty pense business came down with a run before he had beentwo minutes before his audience but good stiff ones awkward to sit down or even bend the knee in but good serviceable stalwart limbs he got these all right and his big copperchain with the emeralds and rubies c worth 12 ooo 000a piece in it and his c but no weapons nevertheless itwas a beastly shame of Clinker man in the Tenth persuading him against his conviction into wearing not only hisClinker s reg mental sword but hang it all his sabretascheas well which don t you know even when you are used toit and wear it the proper side is the most swinging banging twisting boring thing out however here you seeBridges Loader Esq at the moment of his taking the oathto assassinate the Huguenot monarch

Greenz Goslings 47You will no doubt agree with us in considering that allthrough Clinker s fault the imposing effect of the foulassassin s adjuration was much very much impairedBridges Loader thought it was at any rateNo let nothing ever tempt you to act against a conviction

48 Sage Stuffing forSPOONFUL XIcharminingseason of being blushed at which is delicious sreal blushon ofrose bloomtin t edbeing blushed for which is less agreeable youthson of beincbelievedand of believing season of being beloved and of belovingseason of being blushed at which is delicious season ofbeing blushed for which is less agreeable youthjejuney mooney and spooney it would perhaps be as wellfor you to bear in mind that Woman s Love Love N B

Green Goslings 49not gammon Love that faith whose martyrs are the brokenheart is perishable goods sweet whilst sweetah what can be more sweet for can anything be moreecstatic more deliriously delicious than looking deeplydeeply looking into the eyes of her you love than inhalingthe soft breath of her who loves you in fact can languagesay how sweet Love is but like that flower in your coatlet it only once begin to fade let it only once begin todroop do what you will you ll never bring it back to itspristine freshness no power can ever again make it what itwas We are so apt not to realize it when we are well offthe just washed dog rolls in the mud to dry himself thejust got up oiled curled and figged out child mouchershimself on his cambric frock the happy youth just comeinto 10 ooo a year takes to racing the lucky stockjobber or city swell isn t content to try and rough it on aundred thousand pound but speculates and the man witha doting wife doesn t one bit appreciate the glorious prizehe has won but seeks for more Alas we never knowwhen we ought to be content but look to this if anybodyloves you REALLY loves you and there is no mistakingthe real thing if you are so blessed as to possess it for thecounterfeit prize that love oh prize it see that it is notyour fault if it fade see that it is through no idiocy of yoursif it cool see that you have not your stupid self to thank ifit dwindle and disappear for when your voice has lost itspower when your smile has lost its charm you ll never4

50 Sage Stuffing forregret it but once but that once 0 dear boy will be foreverLove is like sunshine as the latter softens your bear sgrease yet hardens the varnish on your boots so does Loveaffect different natures so does love make that which wascrusty crummy and that which was soft adamantLove is like moonshine absurdly like moonshine as itwhitens and brightens and otherwise heightens and lightensthe object it strikes on only leaving everyone else the shadierby comparisonLove is like champagne intoxicatingly charming whilstthe fiz and sparkle last but given to get flat after a timenot only that but like champagne when over iced it losesits flavour from coldnessLove is a magnifying glass which does not give enchantment only lenz it to those in itNo one no no one is ever deaf to the voice of Love wehave all of us an ear in our heart that catches its faintestwhisperWhat oh what are widows but wheed ling creaturesWonderful it is isn t it how different how extraordinarilydifferent different things look in different lights for instance all the doctors are unanimous in saying that theythink Mrs Attekynnes Attekynnes wants keeping upAttekynnes Attekynnes on the contrary says he knows shewants keeping downThen again look at the Burlesques as seen from your

Green Goslings i5point of view and from your wife s and yet you know shelikes putting on her tightest and newest and pootiest bootson the windyest days and then you can t for the life of youget to see em in the same light others do but pshaw wemight if we had space or time to think it out will someday give you a thousand examples but let one more sufficeour sketch at the end of this chapter look at it do there sa good feller well you no doubt suppose it s meant torepresent one of those humbugging little legless tumblerswhich you see seedy Italian parties selling in the street youthink it s simply an Ottoman with a feather in his cap anda very badly drawn one too now don t you but just obligeus by turning him upside down will you and then look atiteh How about it now ah things are deceptive arn tthey You see now that it is not an ottoman but a lovelywoman sitting on one the pride of the Sir Walter Raleighoh pshaw Sirraleigho we mean the joy the light ofthe Harem the Peri of Pera a gal at a Galatta windowShown sitting by the BosphorusWith eyes as bright as phosphorusanything in fact but a legless tumblerDear boy in this mundane sphere it is very frequentlydangerous and nearly always disappointing to judgesolely by appearances for seeing is not always believingwe have let you down very easily you thought you had4 2

52 Sage St z0fing foronly a legless tumbler and you find you have a lovely ladybut be careful 0 be careful or you may some day reversehorribly reverse the order of things and thinking you havegot the lovely lady find alas you kave only got thelegless stumbler162mi

Green Goslings 53SPOONFUL XIIVERYBODY from themonstrum eruditionis to the merest abecedarianknows that the deafadder won t listento the voice of thecharmer howeverindeafaddergabblethe charmer maybe in trying to makehimself charmingor at any rateT heard thereforerrJ 0 deaf adders wegive you a picture full of double meanings instead of boring

54 Sage Stuffing forourself and you too with writing many words but thoughour croquis a double entente is meant to represent a rustic Ewe do hope it may not prove a rusty key to you but altrothat it may open the door of a cell in your brain big enoughto take in our meaningWe are asked this question If riches be a possession tobe desired in this life what is richer than wisdom Don ttry and give an anser goose don t say pork chops orstewed eels or guess like that it isn t a riddle it s amaxim we are asked we say what is richer than wisdombut as the rich heathens and shethens the deaf adders ofSociety don t agree or try to appear to look as if theywished to act as if they didn t agree to this and certainlygo on as if they didn t want their children to agree to ithinc ille silly because useless lackrhymc lack rhyme amwhich however don t lack reasonPaternal maternal elder sorornal and big brotherlyReader every sort of branch is most easily bent andtrained N B Especially the Olive branch whenyoung An old dog learns no new tricks unless he s asad dog if you want to teach him anything you must takehim in statu puppy lari whilst he s a puppy so t is withyour olive branches then is the time to see that eroticsand erratics sap not away the rising sap of sapience inthe olive branch s brain then is the time to see that theolive b s mind is not undermin d with trash then isthe time to see that the olive b s food for thought is not

Green Goslings 55only toothsome but digestible and nourishing You don tgive babies in arms beefsteak pudding with horse radishsauce and stewed mushrooms removed by Norfolk dumplings with Clos Vougeot or gin sling in place of Liebfraumilch to wash em all down not you why then letyoung girls who don t see the precipice you allow them tohang over have even before they are out all the spiciestL iB 1 x V jII R NNmost decousue literature that is to be got for money as theirmental papulum

56 Sage Stuffig forAh if we were not such a lazy d l beg pardon wemean such a Lazydaemon if we were not such a Lacedaemonin being so sparing of our words what a lot we could say onthis most pregnant theme0 goosey pater 0 mater ditto when you read thewritings of Genius if you ever do when you see thepaintings of Genius more probable as it s fash nable to goto the place where they can at any rate be looked at whenyou hear the music of ditto also probable thanks to theMonday Pops c being in vogue and stumble unwittinglyover all the innumerable glorious works of innumerableglorious dittos doesn t it make you who have never doneanything in your lives but read novels with preposterousheroes and harrowin heroines and your best tolook pretty doesn t it make you feel rather small ratherbored just perhaps a trifle sorry you have wasted your opportunities so much Doesn t it at any rate determine you totry and train up your olive branches in such a manner thatthey may turn out a little just a little more useful thanyourselves your purely ornamental selves0 patres familiasses 0 wives of same spare not yourrods and spoil not your olive b s ne putes Papa te tuncamare filium tuum quando ei non das some birches forremember this the great thing is to be a good Toby ticklerand not to be tobytickler about how often you do it 0 byall means if you insist upon it be most pharmacopious withthe stimulating pil hydrarg and with the fullest bodied

Green Goslings 57blackest doses O spare not the oily oil of castor drawnif it so please you in the coldest possible manner butdon t oh do not neglect in your medically affectionateanxiety for a healthy corpus the absolute necessity of theepicene olive b s mind being made healthy also O permitnot the olive b s to waste quite all their time in flying flitting and flirting butterfly flutterby like from leaf toleaf of a novel from flower to flowerof h onied monied love talk 0 grudge not the pecuniaryoutlay which a strong lunged strong armed strong mindedAB BA Able Bodied Birchelor of Arts for your maleolive b s will entail and if you would duenna good withyour female o b s have so undeniably ugly a governess ofsuch very mature years that no one can by any earthlypossibility flirt with her who will therefore perhaps kindlyspend her time in seeking to make her charges admirableNOT herself admiredLastly and above all O ye sweet scented and stillblooming May trees O ye fruitful but dilettanti Patres ofyouth remember O please Papa and Mama dear rememberthis that as years glide on you will get the very reverse ofthanks from the olive b s for your neglect of their mentalmanurage as t is only when your o b s have grown intotrees that they learn to appreciate from seeing it in othersthe value of that which they have failed from your faultsalone to acquire during juvenility for believe us theysoon are made to find out that the sharpest and most useful

58 Sage Stuffing foredge in this world is Knowledge They soonare made to find out that of all the rotten branches in allcreation the rottenest the very rottenest is anignoramus6 93 t

Green GosHings 59SPOONFUL XIIIRE you a fluffy gander Have you beards andmoustarchios and wishkers and so on Or are youa plucked smoothfaced young cavalry looking goslingWell in either case what is your opinion of the other caseLook at these two boobies in arms with no more sense thantwo babies in arms Colonel Stables here condescendingly

60 Sage Stuffing forwalking with one of his cornets well they respectively say tothemselves What do women care for smoothfaced boysand Bet you a fivar gals don t care for old duffers like thecolonel Ha ha gooses you re both wrong why because there is no such deceiver as conceit thoughwhat you say to yourselves only makes us surer than everthat one of the greatest the very greatest and most comfortable blessings Providence can possibly bestow isgiving you a thoroughly good opinion of yourselfThe thief sees in every bush an officer Miss AramintaFitzlowgown says She only wishes SHE couldP S N very B Are you a military man if so thisis the sort of woman for you to marry for her motto is anofficer s good as a feastThere is now we much fear an end of the Napoleonicdynasty we regret it sincerely for Napoleon III was notonly an emperor but a gentleman and England s friendwe should O so vastly have preferred to have seen the endof another dy nasty instead need we say we allude toAuricomania to the Auricommon golden haired dye nastydye very nastyLots of French maids about England now bonnes withno bonnets you know We should never be surprised tohear them sing to our lovely Peleecemen Robert i e BOBBYtoi quej aime Dare say they do never mind let emYou complain O virtuous goose of the shocking wickedness of Paris eh But why is she so wicked our fair

Green GosliHgs 61Lutetia why Because simply because the world andhis wife you and we and everybody go therePoor France Poor Frenchmen Your Marseillaise hasturned out but a sorry goose step a oie march in the wrongdirection after all To think that the Parisians should havehad to eat donkey to think that they shouldnot only have sung aux armes citoyens but have had tosing aux dnes citoyens as well to think that their jourde l an should have been a jour de r dne and at sixfrancs a pound Poor baudets poor bodies we pity youboth the eaten and the eatersThe eye of the master fattens the horse perhaps hippophagistically with a view to eating him eh curriedperhapsP S N B This is where eating donkey has the pullover eating horse you can t have a nightmareAh curry may be warming but there s a much nicerform of curry than that which is more warming stillTerpsi curry for you may talk ofGetting hot as chutneyRowing down at Putneybut give us dancing with a nice girl who s a well set upfigure straight as a Terpshickory wand and a good performer for warming one thoroughly all overQuotation to make on seeing wild fowl at dinner T isnow the widgeon hour of nightP S N B If it s not a widgeon but a chicken or a

62 Sage Stuffing forturkey and you still make this quotation you must makebelieve you thought it was a widgeon you understandHe who touches pitch and toss for sovereigns on wetafternoons at the club c will not be defiled but cleanedS outRaising the neighbourhood odd to say is easier fareasier than raising the windHaving a bit of a breeze with your wife is not calculated to cool either of youWe hear a great deal about the the sac rament of marriage Pshaw it isn t the sack raiment of marriage peoplego in for it s the silk raiment the purple and fine cambricand double milled extra superfine Saxony lined throughout with silk and velvet collar and cuffs raiment they wantHy men and women don t care a snuff of his torch for aplain gold hoop unless it has a good big diamond one tobe its keeper3 7

Green Goslings 63SPOONFUL XIVDERFUL quite wonderful itis how peculiarly appropriate the present mannerof abbreviating the wordnumber is Peoplewrite number one thusNo I and by Jingo theyS Q are quite right for theybegin very early in lifeto think of number one and soon get to think of No IelseWe hear a great deal about The seat of War Haha you needn t go far to look for the seat of oie for it syour arm chairThe Fool s Pairodice two sixes 6 at the very outside

64 Sage Stuffing forRottenborough the very stoopidest of men informs ushe is going to Brighten we are really delighted to hearit and how glad his wife will beMany people go to four and five balls every night of theseason a party of the name of Legion however says theinterest is much more certain to be kept up if you only goto threeWhen borrowing money of a friend or acquaintanceborrow the exact sum you value his friendship at for asthe fact of doing it at all will finish the business you mayjust as well go in for as much as you can get beforeyou cut himThe man who comes into a fortune will soon let you knowwhat he has always wanted to be a brick or a bruteIf he has ever been hard up himself as he can appreciateimpecuniosity it would do him no harm to think of thosestill in his seedy vant conditionRunning after happiness is exactly like chevying yourblown off hat just when you think you have caught itwhiz away it goes again and when youdo get it you find it earthy muddyLife is just like a game of pool we re all against eachother all try to get safe all look for the pocket all thinkof number one and so long as we re not sold ourselves wedon t mind who is In pool we are rather glad to put aman in in life we don t much care if we put him out Inpool we do our best to cut a man in tho it kill him in life

Green Goslings 65we do our very best to cut him out tho it break hisheartIt s a good thing it s a capital thing being on your ownhook always provided dear boy that your hook is notstraightened by circumstancesIf you are a rake save your hayLet other people make a fool of you if they can and youlike it but don t don t save them the trouble don tmake a fool of yourself and for this very ample reason iffor no other that you only so very much delight your illwishers if you do for pray remember this whilst goingthe pace 0 anserine assinine speciman that tis of thewild oats which you sow other people make a harvestI Ne4 w

66 Sage Stuffing forSPOONFUL XVqNDOUBTEDLY MissBlooming May makes avery tremenjuous mistake when she permitsherself to be talked intoconnubializing old SirFrozedup DecemberMiss May s dismayswhen she discovers allhis decemberling and shams will be too painful EvenBonnie Dundee in his bonnet de nuit didn t we dareswear look half so nice as in his killing kilt therefore onlyimagine Sir Frozedup en deshabille No noi let him take

Green Goslings 67old Miss Tabitha Ann Gorer and leave Miss May to hisjuniors for though eighteen seventy one A D is veryagreeable 18 and 71 a gree in no other mannerHere s a new name for lovers quarrels Cherie andbittersMarriage Miss ing your freedomBelieve Ie if all those endearing young charmsWhich he gazed on so fondly to dayWere to change by to morrow and c c che d marry somebody else he would indeed andnobody would be even civil to youRemember this it takes two people to quarrel and thatbad tempered people punish no one so much as themselvesfor N B N very B in fact N as B as you possibly can Nkicking up a shindy generally but injures the kicker sown shinsLiteral translation of Divorce a mensd et thoro Relieffrom being immensely and thoro ly board iThe great thing in married life if you want to be happyis to believe steadily believe yourself to be all a woman canby any possibility desire and not to allow yourself underany circumstances whatever to be talked out of going onbelieving itDe la Thompson Thompson and his wife the Lady Louisade la Thompson Thompson act in private theatricals Dela T T gets the part of a fast swell his wife that of a pert5 2

68 Sage Stuffing forchambermaid in his role of roaring blade he has morethan once in fact very often to kiss the pert chambermaidthis comes natural enough to De la T T if it wasn this wifeLady Louisa de la Thompson Thompson s lady s maidis an impudent hussey and very much in her way LadyLouisa s going to send her about her business quite rightespecially as she was not only in her way but in herhusband sA boned lark is a good thing for breakfast isn t it Yesof course but perhaps the nicest form of boned lark is astolen kissWe are told that the daughters of the Midianites etcmany hundred years ago were not quite all that could havebeen desired well some of our Midnight etc daughtersdidn t daughter be allowed to go on as they do But therecan be no doubt about it so long as Society only taps a manon the arm with its fan and calls him Naughty creecharwhilst it kicks a woman as hard as possible and dances onher when down for the very same fault that fault will beWhen a man is weak and a woman is weak the twoweeks together must be on fortni t though she gets the worstof it as we cannot imagine a weak woman possibly gettinga greater punishment than coming to see as she inevitablywill her inamorato wish she had not been weakReader Respectable Reader we deplore it quite as muchas you do BUT how many church going apparently

Green Goslings 69pious people are there not who entirely disapprove of doingin public under the mistletoe let us term it that whichthey do not disapprove of doing under the rose IN V n 1L V x NIbI

SPOONFUL XVI11i5T don t do to look back at anything extra nice norat anything extra nasty one is nearly as sad as the

Sage Stuffing 71other dreaming of HER a she was when she first offeredyou an undivided heart some forty years ago perhaps inthe reign of Gorgeous the Fourth don t pay the wakingto find her like yourself obese is so beastlyIn youth our joy has bounds in age our joy knows nobounds in youth our joy knows no bounds in age it knowslots of bounds it s very much bounded indeedIn infancy we cut our teeth in age alack alackour teeth cut usIt is bad going to law worse still having law come toyou life is too short for botheration envy hatred maliceesclandre Divorce Courts etc etc whilst we are wildlymaking the journey to Penzance we are cgetting old andwhen we have got that no more larxLet us live to day for to morrow we dye our whiskers moustaches eyebrows c and living isn t half suchfun as it wasWhen a man falls into the severe and yellow leaf whenhe gets into the fifties or so he pats himself on the backcongratulates and flatters himself because he begins tothink more of himsylph than of sylph like forms that heis leaving off his peccadillos Alas insensate one his loveof flanering flaunting flirting and other Piccadillyuliaritiesare leaving him offIf you are young remember you are getting old if youare old never forget you too were once youngAge alas does damage

72 Sage Stuffng forMuch ado about nothing A man with hardly hairenough left to make a finger ring certainly not a watchchain going about the country with his travelling bag fullof big ivory hair brushes Dear bald one out of nothingnothing comes why waste a lot of money on Bear s greaseand only make your bare poll look unbearably slippery andgreasy when by simply following the lots of examples wedaily meet you might save your money yourself disappointment and get far more thought of why not as they dogive yourself airsA hint to old parties who try to dress themselves to lookas if they were their own grandchild No matter what youwear you re not it nowT is not until all his teeth are gone that the rakeacknowledges his progress is of no availHow is it all the night cases get taken before MrNox and all the assault cases too poor Mr KnocksNemo repente fuit turpissimus does not mean thoughit would be very true that no one was ever very wickedwithout having to repent it some day no it means thatour vices are like our grey hairs at first they come one ata time but after a little by twos threes seventies twentynine trillions and so on until unless you shave your heador blow it off getting rid of em is impossibleMany a man has died of a stupid doctorOld Puffer Blowhard has married again She s a littleduck Sir he says quite young Sir quite young He

Green Goslings 73deplored his dear departed first most truly for twentyyears before she went and rewived well tho the experiment is dangerous he ought to be happy his wife isyoung pretty graceful and evidently fits her position asnumber 2 very well indeed9i l l

74 Sage Suffing forSPOONFUL XVIIrHE Latin for treeis arbor wonSder what the Latinfor family tree isa bore perhaps forthat certainly isthe plain Englishof it when peopleexpect you to situnder the chillingshade of theirs orrather put you upit whilst they narrate its rummyfications We agree withthe wag who said That the man who has nothing to boastof but his swell ancestors is like the potato plant as theonly good belonging to him is underground and we

Green Gosinzgs 75moreover remark that we never yet came across the manwhose Williamtheconquerfication was much good to himor who could write himself a cheque on his pedigree thoughwe do think that ought not to prevent his managing to keepa small one on his tongue when branching off to this mostU passe themeMr Darwin in his new book on the origin of man saysWe are descended from some animal probably arborealin its habits quite right Sir Darwin and what is morewe stick to our original arboreal habits nowadays and continue to get up a tree as often as possibleRemember this 0 dear dawdling dilettante dandy dufferthat in going over a crossing it is better to run over yourselfthan to be run over be an omnibus possibly full of vulgar hotand heavy peopleBrown says it isn t the ladies that run any danger walking home alone it s the gentlemenAs you never know whom your after dinner stories mayoffend if you must tell them let their only relation to thechimney be that they are told sootto vochyIt is very very sad but the chief consideration of manypeople whilst listening to the sermon is simplyWonder if he s nearly doneA book is the sort of friend to have it has not onlyoccasionally dogs ears but has always a dog s fidelity to itsowner for as some one has said you can take him up orput him down or shut him up or even cut him just as you

76 Sage Sulffing forthink fit without his feeling it What a pity it is womendon t care for books that is books that teach em anythingfor alas as a rule they think far more of HIS story than ofhistory far more of ribbon than Gibbon far more of abookay than of a book ably written more of what they canget for ue livre sterling than of what they canget from un stirling livre and far far far moreof a page in buttons than in structionAh what a pity it is but how frequently are not youngladies heads only like a filbert shell either ful of thedelightful colonel or emptySome beauty we take the liberty of observing is agreat deal more than skin deepWho says high heels are immoral Ignoramass ladieswear such high heels with precisely the same object thatthey go to church in new bonnets they wish to to savetheir solesWhere people expect to go to when defunct appearsto be quite a secondary consideration The difficulty iswhere to go to before that unhappy eventThere is nothing in this world more certain than disappointment expect a sell and you probably won t be soldin getting it so though your great great grandmother is always saying she will leave you well off thoughsaying this is her wont don t think too much of herWILL for believe us O extravagant gosling it is SO muchwiser better and safer to Leave Yourself Something than

Green Goslings 77to be making toztjours too sure of being left something bysomebody else0 rapid Goose forget not the fable of the race betweenthe combatose tortoise and the fast hare think of thepcignes the hair has felt ever since pains which that whichis tortus alone can give pains which the broken heiralone can fully realize and 0 learn from this sad fabulousnarrative how sure slow respectability is to comb it overyou in the long run how certain it is thatVirchew will be trihumfunt in the hendTq1

78 Sage Stuffing forSPOONFUL XVIIIL12 L7L ZA IT S all very well talking about the pale of Societyand so on but pretty much the same little game Beggarmy Neighbour goes on both sides of it The ci devantNXXVLLUT S all very well talking about the pale of Societyand so on but pretty much the same little game Beggarmy Neighbour goes on both sides of it The ci devaidz

Green Goslings 79agricultural labourer Private Spade fait son cwur to MissHeart the prosperous milk person simply with an eye toher pocket precisely as old Arlington Boodles goes in forthe Widow s Lozenge when it s a diamond oneIt s all very well saying call a spade a spade and havedone with it but that won t do in Society Booh not atall why hang it if we were not all all ALL the mostutter hypocrites the world would be simply unbearableFancy if one did live in a Palace of Truth the atrocitiesone would be constantly hearing the wind would then soonbecome very ill tempered to the shorn lamb and no mistakeImagine telling people your real opinion of them and StJingo only imagine getting their real opinion of you whata lot of knocking down we should all have to go in for whata lot of black eyes and sanguineous noses there d be inSociety s drawing rooms and the eye painters we don tmean bella donnafying ladies but men whose business it isto paint out a black eye what a trade they would driveFancy saying to some Hyde Park Gardens Crcesus Wellyou utter cad you don t look half washed you re the utterestidiot I ever met and you haven t one single spark of goodbreeding or agreeableness about you BUT you ve got ajolly lot of money and with it have bought Society s onlyto be bought smile therefore I smile too and you ve got adooced good tap of claret or something curious in sherryand smoke first rate baccies and have also bought a mostcharming girl for a wife and your house is in other ways

80 Sage Stuffing forwell furnished so I m going to be civil to you and meanto make use of you and get all I can out of youFancy this or telling women about their pinchings inand paddings out and of their most patent to the nearestsighted men blacks and whites and reds on their facesOnly imagine itBut yet don t you know it s what would be said anduncommonly often too if Truth only did come out of herwell and the fine old crusted Conventionalisms of Societywent into it in her placeNo no don t on any account let us call a spade a spadelet s all call him a club a gentleman and try and makehim suppose we think him one much more comfortablefor us and very much more comfortable for the creaturefrom whom we want to get un aouf the fowl not to sayfool or goose even stuck up atop of his golden eggs7Rft k IVIC1 4 amIril

Green Goslings 8pSPOONFUL XIXONESTY is thebest policy afterall and MissFatemma Trayloorde who d bepriceless in Constantinople thoshe isn t of muchaccount in EngL land don t mindfrankly acknowledging that her version of Love me love my dog simplymeans if you will only be good enough to love me hangthe quadroopid you may do what you like with himReader this is an opportunity which may not occur againWe invite you to lose no time in seizing it make her yoursfor ever and rely upon it you will never regret it never6

82 Sage Stuffing formind her having the Grecian bend turned thewrong way that don t interfere with her heart s being in theright place as she to quote what some wag has said is in afar happier frame of mind than Diogenes simply being onthe look out for a man a husband and not intending provided he have a nice moustache to be too particular in herinquiries as to his antecedents to see if he be an honest oneor notA great many people we meet are much favoured exceedingly favoured really very much favoured indeedahem ill favouredBlindness would not be such an infliction to some womenas to others who make greater use of their eyesThe height of im probability a man cook asking a policeman to supperThe proverb says Providence sends us boiled pheasantwith celery sauce or cotelettes d agneau aux concombres orpoints d asperge or suet pudding or potatoes a la nature orany other favourite dish and that Mephisto sends cooks tospoil em quite so cooks are stewpid and do occasionallymake unseasonable hashes of things and their minds arealways going to pot and their want of savoir faire isimmense but that s not what we were going to say wesimply want to give you a new reading of the old proverbif you will kindly for potatoes read policeman thusProvidence sends us Policemen and the D EvilOne sends cooks to spoil em

Green Goslings 83If too many cooks do spoil the broth only imagine theclearness of Brigham Young s clear soup the mind refusesto grapple with any such fearful vision it puts one in aperspiration thinking of itApropos of perspirations Jones of Ark is the very hottestman you ever met in your life bet you anything you likehe is why he sometimes absolutely SMOKES Ohyes it s true we have ourself seen him positively smokingalthough Nota Bene althoug sitting up tohis chin n waterWe always used to be quite happy with a glass of dryCuragoa or a thimble full of Maraschino after our ice pudding but fashions alter and people have taken to givingone Chartreuse and its twin beastiality Trappestine soas we dare say you like to be in the fashion we may aswell give you a receipt for making these invigorating preparations save you ten bob a bottle at the least Beat upthe yolks of forty eight eggs until they pshawthat s another prescription this is it Take one pint of thecommonest whisky you can purchase half a three and sixpenny bottle you know the little straw ones of Eau deCologne needn t be genuine a teaspoonful of ess bouquetand after putting in the above ingredients fill up animperial quart bottle with methylated spirits of wine shakeup well and add sugar to suit the palate and then take halfa tumbler full of it after a roll up jam pudding made withtreacle and see what visions of bliss you will get that night6 2

84 Sage Stuffing forwhen you have sought your pillow talk about hatchisPshaw hatchis can t hold a candle to itTry it and see its delishusV

Green Gos izgs 85l aSf POONFUL XXi I tf ii r i i ise EADER we have already told you thatwe consider it luckypeculiarly lucky fortheir own sakes andtheir owners that petdogs have no comprehensible voce di pettoi can not talk and thatthey can not make aSapsus linguae in anyother than their present method we repeat it we are glad that it is so that your Old DogTray is a dumb waiter and not a tale bearer in two sensesor goodness only knows in what colours poor Tray mightI

86 Sage Stuffing fornot poor Tray you to your wife when you got home orgoodness only knows what fearful suspicions he might notindogtraynate into her gentle bosom if he were not tonguetied We rejoice that your pointers can not point you thatyour hounds can not indiscreetly give tongue that yourtoy terriers can not turn out terrier bull toys and that youmay pooh pooh poodles et setter ra in security withouthaving either to get them stolen on purpose or to carry awhacking warning whip to make them cave canem beware ofthe cane instead of yourself BUT Beloved Reader butonly imagine if there were not only Sermons in Stonesbut mouchard ness in lath and plaster only imagine if Wallshad tongues as well as the ears they are said to possess onlyinmagine it for one instant what what WHAT a lot ofbusiness would have to be conducted in the open countryYou have most probably already heard the two first ofthe four following lines though possibly not the two lastones but as we think it perhaps as well that you shouldwe here transcribe them for youE vot prigs vot isn t isn nVen he s cotched 11 go to pris nIf not cotched he thinks all s wellE quite forgets he goes to tothe next paragraph if you will be so very goodHoni soit qui mal y pense i We quote this bon mottoas many soi disant good people tell us they object in toto

Green Goslings 87to seeing the ordinary title of the Evil One in printWe can only say O may their lives ever be such that theymay never see him in any worse formHe who listens through the wallOf himself hears precious smallor in plain English listeners never hear any good of themselves Quite so and they don t often hear much good ofanybody else either unless N B unless anybody elsehappens to be presentWe may as well here observe that if your Littlepitchers have great ears it would perhaps be as wellfor you to break em at onceof the habit of using them

88 Sage Stuffing forSPOONFUL XXI4 I 2 7 i7 kthat is not in the Andromeda part of iti k I7 1of Perseus and Andromeda not one bitthat is not in the Andromeda part of it

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