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George S MorisonThe Baldwin Libraymq3 UniversityFlorida

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HAPPY THOUGHT HALL

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IHAPPY TLH OUGHTHALLBYF C BURNANDAUTHOn Or iAlP Y THOUGHTS IMORE HAPPY THOUGHTSOUT or T OWN cILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHORBOSTONROBERTS BROTHERS1872

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CONTENTSCHAPTER ITHE IDEA ADVICE TITLE PLAN ON PAPER SUGGESTION COSTBOODELS OLD FRIENDS JENKYNS SOAMES DESIGNS STAIRCASESBAYS OBJECTIONS ORDER OF ARCHITECTURE STABLES PRICEGIVEN UP CAZELL S IDEACHAPTER IINOTIONS GUIDE WANTED BLACKMEER CHILVERN HIS ELEMENTVIEWS OBSERVATIONS DISCUSSIONS FISHING TROUT SHROPSHIRE THE LAKE THE SOLITARY CASTLE HERMITS GAMESDIFFERENCES AT THE HOUSE 13CHAPTER IIIWITHIN THE HOUSEKEEPER WINDOWS INFORMATION THE ORIELVIEW FLOOR MILBURD S INQUIRY TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTMATERIAL AN EXAMPLE CRONE POOR MEDITATIONS THEFRESCO TAPESTRY ARMOUR MICE RATS THE GHOST 19

viii ContentsCHAPTER IVALONE THE SECRET DOOR UNSOCIABILITY THE PICTURE GRIMTHOUGHTS ONE CHEERFUL IDEA MELON HIDING CRUELJOKES SPIRAL ANGLES ASSASSINS WHITE LADY A COMFORTNERVES THE DOOR A GROWL SNIFFS A FOLLOWER REASONING SAD THOUGHTS OUT AT LAST 24CHAPTER VON THE ROOF DOWN AGAIN FURTHER INSPECTION VARIETYELIZABETHAN NORMAN COLOUR RAYS FILTERED CUI BONOSUGGESTION PLAY IN STORE THE STABLES PREVIOUSTENANTS GOOD INTENTIONS NAME 1CHAPTER VICHOOSING A PARTYROOMS DECISION ODD MEN RETURN ARRANGEMENTS THEORIESOBJECTIONS PROPOSITIONS ELECTIONS THE LADIES WHO SHOST GUESTS HOSTESS MORE PROPOSALS GRANDMOTHERSAUNTS HALF SISTERS SISTERHOOD PROPOSED GRAND IDEACHAPERONS TERMS IDEAL A PROFESSION A DEFECT ORADVANTAGE ADDITIONAL ATTRACTIONS OLD MAN DULNESSTHEATRICAL PLANS THE PRESIDENT EXPLANATION IDEA 36CHAPTER VIITHE NEW ORDERA BROTHERHOOD SIMPLICITY A DIFFICULTY MET ILLUSTRATIONSPROCEEDINGS INTERVIEW QUESTION ANSWER MODELS PETITSFRlERES TERMS RULES AND REGULATIONS THE SCHEME DISMISSED THE LIST SETTLED 44

Contents ixCHAPTER VIILA MOR24NG DISCUSSIONON DEAFNESS ESCAPES BUTTONHOLED A DISCUSSION MORNINGLOST RAGE DESPAIR 53CHAPTER IXA WET DAYRAIN THE MEDFORDS CONVERSATION A PROPOSAL ACCEPTED THETRICK THE LECTURECHAPTER XOUT OF AN ALBUM ON LOSS OF PATIENCE MRS FRIMMELY S SUGGESTION A DAY DANCE 71CHAPTER XIA NIGHT SURPRISE 7CHAPTER XIIOUR LIBRARY BUSTS DISTINGUISHED CHARACTERS M ELANCHOLYGUESSES SOAMES MRS BOODELS AGAIN MILBURD HIS JOKEA NUISANCE 80CHAPTER XIIIMUSIC MEDFORD MILBURD S SONG CONSEQUENCE OPINIONS NOTECOMPLIMENTS EPIGRAM THE DAMP FIREWORK 84

x ContentsCHAPTER XIVOUR POSTAL ARRANGEMENTS 88CHAPTER XVMRS BOODELS BOODELS HIS GRANDMOTHER S OBSERVATION HERFATE SEALED THE COMEDY HER DEPOSITION NEW PROPOSALAWKWARD MILBURD S RELATION INVITATION THE DINNERHOUR RECOMMENDATION DECISION 91CHAPTER XVIFRESH ARRIVALS DESCRIPTION A HISTORY 95CHAPTER XVIISUNDAY SUNDAY REASONS A CHAMBER DIALOGUE 108CHAPTER XVIIIMORE SUNDAY THOUGHTS IN MY ROOM A TELEGRAM IMPOSSIBILITIES INTERRUPTION 116CHAPTER XIXTHE PROSAIC GENTLEMANA WALK WITH SIGNOR REGNIATI 120

Conen ts xiCHAPTER XXA SUNDAY CONVERSATION 123CHAPTER XXICOMMENCEMENT OF MY SAYINGS FOR SUNDAYS 130CHAPTER XXIILTHE PROGRAMME THE FARCE 136CHAPTER XXIIIAFTER THE PERFORMANCE CONVERSATION COMMENCES 181CHAPTER XXIVCHILVERN S BALLAD THE MORAL 191CHAPTER XXVIN AND OUT BEFORE THE FIRE MEDITATIONS SURPRISES HAPPYTHOUGHTS AWAKENINGS SLUMBERS BELL PULLS BOOTSVALET DIFFICULTIES MRS REGNIATI WHAT S ON THE TAPISMATCH MAKING CUPID 198

xii ContentsCHAPTER XXVIAT DINNER WEIGHT WATCHING JOKES PROTEST AWKWARDSITUATION AN ANNOUNCEMENT INQUIRY ARRIVAL PRACTICALJOKES 206CHAPTER XXVIIFIFTH WEEK DIFFICULTIES HINTS BOODELS SECRET ARRIVAL OFJIMMY LAYDER A CHANGE PRACTICAL JOKES PLAYING THEFOOL DRESSING UP MORE JOKES CHEMICAL LECTURE EXPERIMENTS RESULTS OPEN WINDOWS COLDS DEPARTURES SMALLBY DEGREES BEAUTIFULLY LESS THE SHILLING AND THETUIMBLER ROODELS LAST TWO S COMPANY CONCLUSION 209

HAPPY THOUGHT HALLCHAPTER ITHE IDEA ADVICE TITLE PLAN ON PAPER SUGGESTION COST BOODELSOLD FRIENDS JENKYNS SOAMES DESIGNS STAIRCASES BAYS OBJECTIONS ORDER OF ARCHITECTURE STABLES PRICE GIVEN UP CAZELL SIDEAAPPY THOUGHT To geta country house forthe winter To fillL I it with friends Toj have one wing forbachelors Anotherwing for maidenswith chaperons To have the Nave as itwere of the house for the married peopleI ll tell you what you ought to do says Cazell to meYou ought to build a nice little snuggery in the countryB

2 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLI object to the costCost Bah that s nothing You can always get aBuilding Society says he enthusiastically to advance youany sumI ask how these Building Societies proceedSimply enough saysCazell who invariably knowseverything about anythingonly if you act on his information and go wrong hegenerallydenies warmly afterwards that he ever saidsuch a thing Simplyenough he continues Yougo to the Society you giveS em some security any security will do and you could get2 that easily enough I nodcheerfully more to encourageCAZELL him to proceed than fromany feeling of certainty as tothe means of obtaining the security Then having satisfactorilyto himself disposed of this difficulty he continues Well

Title and Plans 3your security in this case would be your title deeds of the houseand landHappy Thought Title deedsThen he goes on as if he d been accustomed to do thissort of thing every day you say how much you want Thenthey ask you it s becoming quite dramatic where s yourhouse You say wherever it is you know Cazellputs it in this way as impressing upon me that before theBuilding Society I must tell the truth and not pretend tothem that my house is in Bedfordshire for example when itisn t Well he resumes then they ask you what sort of ahouse do you intend to build Then you lay your plan beforethemHappy Thought The Plan of my HouseThey examine it that is their architect does theyinquire about the land and then they decide whetherthey ll buy it for you or notrot I should think but I don t say soThen he goes on You make the purchase and handover the title deeds Pay them a rent and a per centageevery year until the whole is paid off when it becomesyoursIn fact I put it bluffly to him I can build a houseB2

4 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLwithout having any money I mean by getting the moneyfrom the Building SocietyPrecisely Any dayI hesitate It really is if Cazell is correct much betterthan hiring a house or taking lodgings And what doesCazell think the cost will beWell says he put it at 2 000 the outside I reflectthat the inside too will be a considerable expense A goodstrong house Why I knew a fellow build one for 1 500Just what you want Then there s the ground say at anothertwo And there you are Four thousand altogether Wellyou d pay em a mere rent for that and so much tacked onwhich would each time reduce the principal And when youpay your last year of rent and interest it ought to have comedown to a five pound noteThis is admirable What a glorious society is the BuildingSociety if Cazell is only rightI will draw out plans at onceWill he come down with me somewhere and choose thelandCertainly Why not try Kent he asks I have noobjection to Kent But I suggest wouldn t it be betterfirst to settle the sort of thing wanted

Suggestion 5Happy Thought Put it down on paperA billiard room absolute necessityStables DoBath room adds Milburd to whom on his accidentallylooking in we appeal for assistanceHappy Thought While I amabout it as Milburd says whynot a Turkish bath In the houseExcellentWhat after thisMilburd suggests smoking roomand library Yes That s allMILBURDNot all Milburd thinks that aRacquet Court wouldn t be bad and while I am about it itwould be scarcely any more expense to have a Tennis Courtand by the way a positive saving to utilise the outside wallsof both for FivesQuery Won t this cost too muchThe question is says Boodels he has been recentlyimproving his own house What is your limitNo I argue let s see what an imaginary house will costand then I ll have so much of it as I want Say I putit a house is to cost two thousand

6 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLCan t be done for the money says Boodels positivelyThis is rather damping but on consideration it s just whatBoodels would say in anybody s case except his ownI pass over his opinion andcontinueFor argument s sake let ssay the house costs four thousand This I feel soundsvery pleasant but what will theBuilding Society say and howabout the security Thesehowever are details for subsequent consideration One thingat a time and these extrasrather hamper one s ideas SoI say 4 000 and leave it atthatBOODELS OF BOODELS More says Boodels butyou might do it for thatI repeat For argument s sake Formula admittedWell then I suppose it to cost four thousand I can onlyspend two thousand Very good I ll only have as it weretwo thousand pounds worth of house

Designs 7Half a house in fact says MilburdThis is not the way to put it but I am I feel right somehowI appeal to my friend Jenkyns Soames who is writing a bookon Scientific EconomyHe replies that mine is correct in theory if taken from acertain point of view We admit that this is a sensible way ofputting it And are generally satisfiedThere s one thing I must have I remember aloud as I sitdown to draw a first plan my Studya Y a a a I aal A d B d C d7 I I i aD C E d Faa aA Billiard Room F Dining RoomB Tennis Court a a a c all bay windows andc Racquet Court lights high up accordD Library ing to roomE Study d dd c doorsOn this plan every room is en suite

8 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLHow about your staircases says Boodels and yourkitchen ehI observe that this is only a commencement That myobject is to remember everything gradually and so omitnothingHappy Thought Only one floor and one flight ofstairs1 a 6 1 ir nm iSHere I find the library has been forgottenAdd on the library in dots like a railway mapHow do you get there from the study asks MilburdWhy by doors through the dining roomAwkward suggests BoodelsNo I don t think soHow do you light your study asks Cazell

Bays 9Eh AhHappy Thought From aboveThen says Milburd as if there was an end of the wholething you lose a bed room by that and another over thebilliard roomTrueHappy Thought Bring study more forward and light it bybig window in front I do so in dotsMilburd says Throw out a bayThis is his invariable resourceI throw out a bay window also in dots and then we surveyit carefullyHappy Thought To have an In door Amusement Hall forWet WeatherWill your Amusement hall be the HallWell YesThen the front door will beI indicate in dots the front door and the drivePrecisely says Boodels and just as you re in themiddle of a game of something up comes a party to callyou can t say you re not at home and the servants can topen the door while the ball or whatever it is is flyingabout

10 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLTrue Then bring it more forward Or make anew planrirm IT iiThen the bath room s forgotten says Milburd Add it indots to tennis courtThen over every room there ll be a bed room and dressingroom So that ll be a good houseWhat style asks CazellElizabethan decidedly I reply They think notGothic s useful says BoodelsItalian s better observes MilburdSomething between the two suggests Cazell

Price 11Twelve rooms below twelve above Stables outside addedsubsequentlyHappy Thought Submit this to Chilvern my architecturalfriendI say Estimate it roughlyHe does it after a day orsoRough Estimate About8 000That I say a littlestaggered is rather overthe mark than under itehOver No he repliesUnder I mean ofcourse to have everythingdone well thoroughly wellOf course says he there CH ECHILVERNare men who will run youup a house in a few weeks and charge you about 4 000 Butwhat s the result Why you re always repairing and it costsyou in the end double what you d have paid for having itthoroughly well done at first

12 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLI ask how long the building would take Chilvern is ofopinion that it would be six months at the leastThen I say I ll give it up I wanted it for ChristmasThen the notion of the party must be abandonedHappy Thought An abandoned party Dreadful characterBoodels says he s sorry for that as he can t go into his ownhouse just now it being under repairCazell suddenly exclaims I tell you what we ought to doWe listen He goes on We ought to take a house for theWinter Season the lot of us together and then ask our ownfriendsBoodels observes that if we agree to this he will supplysome servants as his are doing nothing Chilvern can tell uswhere there s a place to be let Just what we want aboutan hour s train from town Queer old mansion a bit out oftrim he tells us in fact he was going to have had the job ofrestoring it only the people suddenly left but he d put that torights Would we go and look at itCarried nem con

CHAPTER IINOTIONS GUIDE WANTED BLACKMEER CHILVERN HIS ELEMENT VIEWSOBSERVATIONS DISCUSSIONS FISHING TROUT SHROPSHIRE THELAKE THE SOLITARY CASTLE HERMITS GAMES DIFFERENCES ATTHE HOUSEE go down Hertfordshire I find on inquirythat there is no Guide to this countyBlack ignores it Murray knows nothingabout it and Bradshaw is silent on thesubjectHappy Thought While at Our Mansion write a Guide to HertfordshirecY Arrived at the station we inquire forBlackmeer Hall Six or seven miles todrive I ask if this distance isn t against it I am met bythe unanimous answer Not at allChilvern points out the beauties of the road as we go alongWe become silent not liking to have things perpetually pushedunder our notice as if we couldn t see them for ourselves

14 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLThere s a fine bit he says pointing to a gate We nodAren t the colours of the trees lovely he asks We agreewith him For the sake of argument I observe that I ve seenfiner Where he inquires I don t know at this momentuwhere but being on my mettle I am certain that I have seenfinerHappy Thought In DerbyshireHe pooh poohs the notion of Derbyshire Then he continues giving us bits of useful information like a disjointedlectureThere s a tree for you he exclaims Then There s aqueer old roof eh No notice being taken of this he continues Fine beech that Beautiful view isn t itPresently Just look at the sky now and so onCazell begins to resent it so does BoodelsChilvern says pointing left and right Ah these fields arethe place for mushroomsBoodels says that his own fields in Essex are betterNot better than this says ChilvernBoodels returns that they are and that he Boodels ought toknowChilvern pauses to allow the subject to stand and cool as itwere then he begins again

Discussions 15That s a fine cow there This is a great place for cowsIt s where all the celebrated cheeses are madeAh my dear fellow cries Boodels you should see thecows in Gloucestershire They are cowsCazell agrees with him but caps it with Yes but I ll tellyou what you ought to do to Chilvern you ought to go tothe Scilly Islands and see the cows thereMilburd says if it s a question of going to islands why not tothe Isle of Wight and see Cowes there I laugh slightly asit doesn t do to encourage Milburd too much The others whoare warming with their conversation treat the joke with silentcontemptThere s a larch for you cries Chilvern in admiration of agigantic fir treeThat exclaims Cazell My dear fellow whenever heis getting nettled in discussion he always becomes excessivelyaffectionate in his terms My dear fellow you ought to go toSurrey to see the larches and the firs Boodels observes in achilly sort of way that he doesn t care for larches or firsIn order to divert the stream of their conversation I remarkthat I have no doubt there s some capital trout fishing abouthere I say this on crossing a bridgeAh says Chilvern see the trout in Somersetshire My

16 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLWhy in some places you could catch twenty with as many fliesall at onceCazell tops this without a pause he says Ah if you wanttrout you should go to Shropshire I never saw such a placefor trout You ve only got to put your hand down and youcan take them asleep in the ditchesMilburd exclaims incredulously Oh yes meaning OhnoMy dear boy says Cazell emphatically I assure you it s aknown thing Tell a Shropshire man about trout in any othercounty and he ll laugh in your faceExcept for politeness we feel all of us a strong inclination toact like the ideal Shropshire man under the present circumstancesWe enter an avenueThe driver tells us we are approaching the house We passa large pond partially concealed by trees In the centre thereis an island with a sort of small ruined castle on it It is as itwere a Castle for OneHappy Thought Sort of place where a Hermit could playSolitaire And get excited over it Who invented SolitaireIf it was a Hermit why didn t the eminent ascetic continuethe idea and write a book of games

Diferences 17Happy Thought To call it Games for HermitsMilburd exclaims Stunning place for fireworks We mightdo the storming of the Fortress thereHappy Thought Good place say for a retiredstudyCazell says I tell you what we ought to do with thatmake it into spare rooms A castle for single gentlemenThey could cross in a boat at nightChilvern is of opinion it ought to be restored and made agem of architectural designBoodels says if anything he should like it to be an observatory or on second thoughts a large aquariumCazell says at once If you want to see an aquarium youshould go to HavreChilvern returns that there s a better one at BoulogneMilburd caps this by quoting the one at the CrystalPalaceCazell observes quickly that the place for curious marinespecimens is Bakstorf in Central RussiaYou ve never been to Central Russia says Milburdsuperciliously Professing to have travelled considerablyhimself he doesn t like the idea of anyone having done thesameC

18 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLI wish exclaims Cazell using a formula of his ownI wish I had as many sovereigns as I ve been in CentralRussiaThis appears conclusive and if it isn t here we are at theHouse Blackmeer Hall Elizabethan apparentlyAN OLD WOMAN RECEIVES US AT THE DOOR

CHAPTER IIIWITHIN THE HOUSEKEEPER WINDOWS INFORMATION THE ORIEL VIEWFLOOR MILBURD S INQUIRY TYPICAL DEVELOPMENT MATERIAL ANEXAMPLE CRONE POOR MEDITATIONS THE FRESCO TAPESTRYARMOUR MICE RATS THE GHOSTN old woman curtseys and ushersour party into the Hall itselfT which is lofty and spacious7A but in a mildewy conditionJ4 t The floor is partly stonepartly tiles as if the originaldesigner had been in his day uncertain whether to make aroof of it or notA fine old chimney with a hearth for logs and dogs is at oneend and reminds me of retainers deer hounds oxen roastedwhole and Christmas revels in the olden timeThe windows are diamond paned To open in compartmentsThe old woman tells us that this was rebuilt in fifteenc2

20 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLhundred and fifty two and then she shows us into the drawingroomThis is a fine apartment with an Oriel window giving on toa lawn of rank and tangled grass Beyond this chaos ofgreen is a well timbered covert dense as a small blackforestThe distance between the trees becoming greater to the leftof the plantation we obtain a glimpse of the lake which wepassed on our roadThere is another grand fire place in this room The wainscot wants patching up and so does the parqueted floorThe old woman tells us that they say as Queen Elizabethwas once hereMilburd asks seriously Do you recollect her ma amThe crone wags her head and replies that it was aforeher timeMentioning the word Crone to Boodels I ask him whatrelation it bears to Cronie Cronie almost obsolete nowmeans a familiar friend I explain to him He says thankyou and supposes that the two words have nothing in commonexcept soundThe notion being in fact part of my scheme for Typical Developments Vol XIII Part I On sounds of words and

Crone 21their relation to one another I offer him my idea on thesubjectHe asks What is itHappy Thought Crone is the feminine of CronieCronie is an old friend Crone is an old friend s old wifeWhich sounds like a sentence in one of my German ExercisesThe Old wife of the Old friend met the Lion in thegardenBoodels says Pooh If he doesn t understand a thing atonce he dismisses it with pooh As I ascend the wide oakstaircase with room enough for eight people abreast on everystep I reflect on the foolishness of a man saying poohhastily How many great schemes might anyone nip in thebud by one pooh What marvellous inventions apparentlyridiculous in their commencing idea would be at once knockedon the head by a single pooh The rising Artist has an infantdesign for some immense historical Fresco He comes I seehim as it were coming to Boodels to confide in him Imean says he to show Peter the Great in the right handcorner and Peter the Hermit in another with Peter Martyrsomewhere else in fact I see an immense historicalsubject of all the Celebrated Peters Then why notoffer it to St Peter s at Rome and why not Pooh

22 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLsays Boodels and the artist perhaps goes off and drowns himself or goes into business and so is lost to the World If I dlistened to Boodels Pooh I should never have got on so faras I have with my work on Typical Developments I hope tobe remembered by thisMilburd is calling me Everyone in ecstasies What wonderful old chambers Oak panels diamond panes Remainsof tapestry containing probably a fine collection of moths Oldrusty armour on the walls Strange out of the way staircasesleading to postern doors and officesChilvern observes that it all wants doing up and commencesmaking plans and notes in a book which he takes from hispocket in company with a small ivory two foot rulePlenty of mice says Cazell looking at the old woman forcorroborationYes in winter time she saysAnd rats inquires MilburdI ve met em on the stairs replies the old lady quitecheerfullyGhosts too suggests Boodels He has become somewhat melancholy of late and says that he is studying thephenomena of Unconscious Cerebration which Milburdexplains is only a name for thinking of nothing without

The Ghost 23knowing it Boodels in consequence thinks Milburd a merebuffoonWell my husband she answers in a matter of fact waymy husband he see the Ghost I think it were last Christmas twelvemonthThe Ghost exclaims Boodels much interestedYes the White Lady says the old woman as pleasantlyas possible There s the marks on the floor of the stainwhere she was murdered There that gentleman s standingon itGood gracious so I am A dull sort of mulberry colouredstain It won t wash out she goes on I ve tried it Andit won t plane out as they ve tried that And so she finisheswith a sniff there it isMSTsIT

CHAPTER IVALONE THE SECRET DOOR UNSOCIABILITY THE PICTURE GRIM THOUGHTSONE CHEERFUL IDEA MELON HIDING CRUEL JOKES SPIRALANGLES ASSASSINS WHITE LADY A COMFORT NERVES THE DOORA GROWL SNIFFS A FOLLOWER REASONING SAD THOUGHTS OUT ATLASTVERY one is silent for a minute and thenwe smile at the absurd idea of therebeing a ghost about I linger for a fewseconds after the others They go outon to the landing When I leave theroom I pass out there too They are all gone I catchsight of a small door in the panelling on my right at theend of this corridor closing quickly They are gone evidently to visit some other quarter of the house They mighthave stopped for me Very unsociable One seems to hearevery footfall in this house And even when you re notspeaking your thoughts appear to find an echo and to berepeated aloud In this short narrow gallery there is an old

The Picture 25picture of a man in a Spanish dress holding a melon in hishand His eyes follow me Curious effect I stop for amoment They are fixed on me Remember some story aboutthis somewhere when it turned out that there was a man concealed who came out to murder people at night living happilybehind the picture in the day time Cheer myself up bythinking that if Milburd had seen this picture he d have namedit The Meloncolic ManOdd I don t hear their voices They can t be playing meany trick and hiding If there is a thing I detest if there isone thing above another absolutely and positively wicked andreprehensible it is hiding behind a door or a curtain or infact behind anything and then popping out on you suddenly Heard of a boy to whom this was done and he remainedan idiot for the rest of his lifeHappy Thought To look cautiously at the corners Toopen the small door quietly and say Ah No Noone there All gone down A dark narrow winding staircaselighted only by loopholes so that one is perpetually goinground angles and might come upon anyone or anyone uponyou without any sort of preparation I can quite understandassassins coming down on their victim or up on their victim orup and down simultaneously on their victim in one of these

26 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLold places Assassins in the olden time I wonder if it s trueabout the White Lady The old woman s husband was nota bit frightened of her so she says Perhaps he had comehome rather tipsy and mistook some shadow in the moonlightfor a ghostMy eyes are fast becoming accustomed to this obscurityHappy Thought There are no such things as ghostsOn the whole I d rather meet a ghost than a rat or ablackbeetle or a burglarThe diminishing scale of what I would rather not meet ina narrow staircase at night is the burglar rat blackbeetleghostI hear something moving below or aboveI look cautiously back round the last cornerNothingHappy Thought To shout out Hi you fellowsShouting would frighten a burglar or a rat but would have noeffect on a blackbeetle or a ghostNo answer I descend a few more steps Something seemsto be coming down behind me Almost in my footsteps and atmy pace Ah of course echo But why wasn t there anecho when I shouted I will go on quicker I m nota bit nervous only the sooner I m out of this the better At

A Growl 27last a door Thick solid iron barred and nail studded doorWhere s the handle None Yes an iron knob It won tbe turned It won t be twisted It s locked or if notfastened somehow No a faint light is admitted through thekeyhole and by putting my eye to it I can see a stone passageon the other side Perhaps the old woman has locked this byaccident And perhaps they are not far off I shake it Adeep low savage growl follows this and I hear within twoinches of my toes a series of jerky and inquisitive sniffs Thesniffs say as it were There s no doubt about it I know you rethere the growl adds Show yourself and I pin youHalppy Thought Go upstairs again and return by the otherdoorHope nobody while I am mounting the steps again willopen the door and let the dog up here for a run or to see whoit is in a professional wayNo Up up up Excelsior I seem to be climbingdouble the number of steps in going up to what I did incoming down My eyes too after the keyhole have not yetbecome re accustomed to the light I pause I could almostswear that somebody two steps lower down behind me stoppedat the same instantIs there anyone playing the fool Is it Milburd I ll

28 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLchance it and ask I say Milburd cautiously No Nota sound I own to being a little nervous Someone BoodelsI think once said that fine natures were always nervousHappy Thought When nervous reason with yourself quietlyI say to myself reasoning this is not fright this is notcowardice it s simply nervousness You wouldn t this addressed to myself be afraid of meeting a a forinstance say a ghost no Why should youYou ve never injured a ghost that you know of and why shoulda ghost hurt you Besides nonsense there are noghosts and as to burglars the house doesn t belong tous yet and so if I meet one there d be no necessity to struggleon the contrary I might be jocosely polite I might say Makeyourself at home you ve as much right here as I haveBut on second thoughts no one would or could come here torob this place It s emptyOdd I cannot find the door I came in at I thought thatwhen I entered by it I stepped on to a landing but I supposethat it is only a door in the wall and opens simply on to a stepof the stairsPerhaps this is an unfrequented staircase One might belocked up here and remain here for anything that the oldwoman or her husband would know about it

Sad Thoughts 29If one was locked away here or anywhere for how longwould it remain a secretWhen one has been absent from town for instance formonths and then returns nobody knows whether you ve beenin your own room all the time or in Kamschatka They sayHallo how d ye do How are you Where have you beenthis age They ve never inquired They ve got on verywell without you Important matters too which absolutelydemand your presence as the letter says which you find onyour table six months afterwards settle themselves withoutyour interferenceThe story of the Mistletoe Bough where a young lady hidesherself in an oak chest and is never heard of for yearsin fact never at all until her bones were found with herdress and wreath is not so very improbableSuppose the old woman forgot this staircase suppose myparty went off thinking that I was playing them some tricksupposing they stick to that belief for four days what shouldI do I don t know I could howl and shout That sallWhat chance of being discovered have I except by atradesman wanting his quarter s account settled very badlyand being determined upon hunting me up wherever I was

30 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLA door at last AndS light and fresh air throughthe chinks It opens easilyS and I am on the leads ofthe roofWith aBIRD S EYE VIEWof the surrounding country I breathe freely once moreNow the question is how to get down againSICH A GITTIN UP STAIRS MASSA

CHAPTER VON THE ROOF DOWN AGAIN FURTHER INSPECTION VARIETY ELIZABETHANNORMAN COLOUR RAYS FILTERED CUI BONO SUGGESTIONPLAY IN STORE THE STABLES PREVIOUS TENANTS GOOD INTENTIONSNAMEUST as I am asking myself this I meet Chilvern on the roof He is examining thechimneys The others are below choosingStheir rooms It appears that no one hasbeen up the narrow staircase exceptmyself He shows me a different wayS downWe take another turn over thehouse This time more observantlyVarious orders of architecture Chilvern as an architectmakes a professional joke He says The best order ofarchitecture is an order to build an unlimited number ofhousesHappy Thought Who was the first scientific builder

32 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLAnswer Noah when he invented arky tecture N B Thiswill do for a Sunday conundrumPart of it is very old the staircase and tower part where I vebeen and wall of the yard at the back overgrown with ivyshows the remains of a genuine Norman archAnother quarter is decidedly Elizabethan while a long andwell proportioned music room of which the walls and ceilingonce evidently covered with paintings are now dirty damp andexhibiting here and there patches of colour not yet entirelyfaded is decidedly ItalianOf this apartment the cronie can tell us nothing Shenever recollects it inhabited We undo the huge shuttersfor ourselves and bring down a cloud of dust and cobwebsThe rays of light bursting violently as it were into thedarkness become after once passing the square panes orwhere there are no panes the framework suddenly impureand in need of a patent filter before they are fit for useChilvern admires the proportions and asks what we ll makeof this roomA pauseHappy Thought A Theatre Nothing more evident nothing easierI notice that both Boodels and Milburd catch at this idea

Play in Store 33From which I fancy knowing from experience Boodels turnfor poetry that they have got ready for production what theywill call little things of their own that they ve just knockedoffAlmost wish I hadn t suggested it But if they ve got something to act so have I If they do theirs they must let mine bedoneSettled that it is to be a theatreOdd that no one part of the house seems finished Saxonsstarted it Normans got tired of it Tudors touched it upAnnians added to itHappy Thought Alliterative on the plan of A wasan Apple pieSaxons started itNormans nurtured itTudors touched it upAnnians added to itGeorgians joiced itVictorians vamped itJoice I explain is a term derived from building tojoice i e to make joices to the floors Chilvern saysPooh To vamp is equal in musical language toD

34 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLscamp or to dodge up The last owner evidently hasdone thisHappy Thought Good name for a Spanish speculativebuilder Don Vampa di Scampo Evidently an architect ofChdteaux d EspagneWe visit the stablesThe gates are magnificenttwo lions sit on their tailsand guard shields on twohuge pillars After thiseffort the owner seemsto have got tired of theplace and left itWe notice this of everyroom of various doors ofDON VAMPA DI SCAMPO IN AN many windowsARCHITECTURAL OPERA Successive tenants havecommenced with greatideas which have so to speak vanished in perspectiveBoodels becomes melancholy He says I should call thisThe House of Good IntentionsI point out that these we are going to perfect and utiliseA brilliant idea strikes me I say

The Name 35Happy Thought Let us call it Happy Thought HallI add that this will look well on the top of note papern2

CHAPTER VICHOOSING A PARTYROOMS DECISION ODD MEN RETURN ARRANGEMENTS THEORIES OBJECTION PROPOSITIONS ELECTIONS THE LADIES WHO S HOST GUESTSHOSTESS MORE PROPOSALS GRANDMOTHERS AUNTS HALFSISTERSSISTERHOOD PROPOSED GRAND IDEA CHAPERONS TERMS IDEALA PROFESSION A DEFECT OR ADVANTAGE ADDITIONAL ATTRACTIONSOLD MAN DULNESS THEATRICAL PLANS THE PRESIDENT EXPLANATION IDEAI HERE are it appears sixteen bedi rooms in the house independentlyS I of servants roomsThe question is How shall weJ r I decideI Happy Thought Toss upWe do so The odd man totoss again and so on I am thelast odd man Boodels chooses the room with the stain on thefloor He says he prefers it

Arrangements 37We drive back to Station Thoughtful and sleepy journeyChilvern is to arrange all details as to fitting up and furnishing This he says he can do inexpensively and artistically ina couple of weeks timeMilburd points out clearly to us that the old woman in chargeevidently doesn t want to be turned out and so invented theghost We all think it highly probable except Boodels whosays he doesn t see why there shouldn t be a ghost We don tdispute itThe next thingis to make up aparty Cazelltells us whatwe ought to doWe ought hesays to formourselves into acommittee andask so manypeopleWe meet in the I LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DOevening to chooseour party Rather difficult to propose personal friends whom

38 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLevery one of us will like We agree that we must be outspoken and if we don t like a guest proposed we must say soand as it were blackball himOr her This remark leads to the question Are there to beany ladies Boodels says decidedly YesChilvern putting it artistically says We want a bit ofcolour in a house like thatCazell wants to know whd is to be the host Boodels proposes meI accept the position but what am I exactly that s what Imust clearly understandMilburd explains a sort of president of a Domestic RepublicVery good Then how about the ladiesChilvern says we must have a hostess We all supposedoubtfully that we must I ask Won t that interfere with ourarrangementsBoodels replies that we can t have any arrangements without a hostess He says after some consideration that he hasgot a Grandmother who might be useful Chilvern deferentiallyproposes an Aunt of his own but does not as it were press herupon us on account of some infirmities of temper I ve got ahalf sister who was a widow about the time I was born and ifshe s not in India

Sisterhood Proposed 39On the whole we think that if Boodels would have noobjection to his grandmother comingNot in the least says Boodels I think she can stand afortnight of it or soCarried nem con Boodels grandmother to be lent for threeweeks and to be returned safelyHappy Thought to suggest to ladies Why shouldn t therebe a sisterhood of chaperons Let somebody start it Ohsays a young lady I can t go there wherever it is because Ican t go alone and I haven t got a chaperonNow carry out the idea The young lady goes to The Homethis sort of establishment is always a Home possibly becausepeople to be hired are never not at home well she goes tothe Home sees the lady superioress or manageress who asks herwhat sort of a chaperon she wants She doesn t exactly knowbut say age about 50 cheerful disposition polished mannersGood Down comes photograph bookYoung lady inspects chaperons and selects oneShe comes downstairs Is she asks the lady manageressto be dressed for evening or for day a fete or for whatWell then that s all settledTerms so much an hour and something for herself What theFrench call a pour boire

40 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLThis is a genuinely good idea and one to be adopted I amsure What an excellent profession for ladies of good familyand education of a certain age and an uncertain incomeThey might form a Social Beguinage on the model of theone at Ghent No vows All sorts of dresses All sorts offeeding Respectable address And a HomeBoodels grandmother it turns out is deafHere again what a recommendation for a chaperon and howvery few employments are open to deaf people No harmlessbodily ailment would disqualify except a violent cold andsneezingA chaperon with a song useful Consider this idea infuturo Put it down and assistthe others in our listWe ought to make our company a good saladI propose my friend JenkynsSoamesi Jenkyns Soames is a scientificmanJENKYNS SOAMES ESQ We mustn t be dull saysProfessor of ScientificEconomy Boodels which I feel is covertly an objection to my friend

Theatrical 41Chilvern says that he thinks we ought to have an old manWhat forWell he hesitates then says politely that with allyoung ones won t Mrs Boodels be rather dullHappy ThoughtOld man for Mrs Boodelsto talk to her throughher ear trumpetBoodels says Oh nohis grandmother s neverdullMilburd observes thatthis choosing is likemaking up charactersfor a play He takes ina theatrical newspaperand proposes that weshould set down whatwe want after the stylein which the managersframe their advertiseTIlE LEADINGI HEAVYments But soft I must dissembleWanted A First Old Man Also A Leading Heavy

42 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLHe proposes Byrton Captain Byrton He was in a dragoonregimentHappy Thought Good for Leading HeavyMilburd s man is Byrton Mine is Soames I have an instinctive dislike to Byrton I don t know why perhaps becauseI perceive a certain amount of feeling against SoamesBoodels Proposal That we should meet once a week todetermine whose invitations should be renewed and whoseconge should be givenAs President I say Well but I can t tell our guests thatthey must goCazell strikes in I tell you what we ought to do only askeveryone for a week and then if we like them we can ask emto stop onAgreed That we take these matters into weekly considerationMilburd wishes to know who is to order dinner every dayHappy Thought Take it in turn and I ll begin as PresidentBoodels when this has been agreed to says that we ought tohave gool dogs about and outside a large house like thatI tell them that there is one a very fierce beastBoodels says he s sure I must be mistaken as they went all

Explanation 43over the house and there was only a little snarling growlingpuppy making darts at a mouse or a rat which he saw movingbehind some door which was lockedHappy Thought Keep the facts to myself Only a Puppyand I thought it was a mastiff Good name by the way for anovel Only a Puppy If I d shaken that door again thenthey could have let me outWe ve all got dogs except myself I have I say my eye on adog I remember someone promising me a cleverpoodle a year ago Willthink who it was and callon himCazell is of opinion thatwe ought to wear some peculiar sort of dress and callourselves by some nameHappy Thought Whynot be an OrderSomeone is just goingto speak when I beg hispardon and say Lookhere I am STRUCK BY A HAPPY THOUGHT

CHAPTER VIITHE NEW ORDERA BROTHERHOOD SIMPLICITY A DIFFICULTY MET ILLUSTRATIONS PROCEEDINGS INTERVIEW QUESTION ANSWER MODELS PETITS FRkRESTERMS RULES AND REGULATIONS THE SCHEME DISMISSED THE LISTSETTLEDPROPOS of the Home for ChaperonsThe Happy Thought Whynot start a new BrotherhoodSA social and sociable one AnorderWhat do I mean asksMilburdSimplest thing possibleHosts are so often in want ofsome one to fill up A guestdisappoints them at the last hour and where are they to getanotherWell says Boodles how is another to be got

A Broterhood 45Easily if in a central situation there were a House a largeHouse where male guests of all sorts could be obtainedI explain myself more clearlyA lady says Oh dear Our ball will be overdone withladies I mean we ve got plenty of gentlemen but I don tknow what s the matter with the young men now a days hardlyany of them danceIf my Happy Thought is carried out why here s her remedyDown she goes to the Home Rings Enters Sees theBrother Superior or ManagerWhat sort of young men do you wantWell specially for dancing and generally effectiveTHE EFFECTIVE LITTLE BROTHER THE INTELLECTUAL LITTLE BROTHERGood Here is the very thing to suit you We ve got

46 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLonly three of these in as there s such a demand just now forthis article during the seasonTHE SPRIGHTLY LITTLE BROTHER THE THEATRICAL LITTLE BROTHERTHE SERIOUS LITTLE BROTHER THE MUSICAL LITTLE BROTHERVery well Send them at tenWith pleasure and if any of the dancing brothers come inthey shall be forwarded to you later in the evening

Rules and Regulations 47Teirs so much an hour Supper ad lib included Breakagesnot allowed as discount Any complaints as to inebrietyserious and compromising flirting or of laziness to be made tothe manager or brother superiorI would call this OrderTHE LITTLE BROTHERS OF THE RICHThere should be no vows and the rules to be strictly observedshould be1 To live in community the House being supported by thelabour of the Brothers who shall receive a certain allowance each one per annum out of the profits2 Always to be ready to fulfil engagements whether fordancing parties dinner parties or other social gatherings3 The Serious Brothers will devote their time only to suchliterature as suits their professional duties4 The Sprightly or dining out Brothers shall pass monthlyan examination in good stories anecdotes and bonsmots5 The Musical Brothers must be up in all new songs andarrangements shall be made with publishers for SingingBrothers and Playing Brothers to receive a fair percentage on sale of pieces indirectly

48 HAPPY THOUGHT HALL6 The General Utility Brothers must be up in anecdotes andjokes play a little sing a little sport a little and do everything more or less so as to make themselves indispensableto country houses where there are large gatherings7 The Theatrical Brothers must be perfect companions foramateurs and know all about charades and extemporecostumesAny Brother found dining or doing anything at his ownexpense to be immediately dismissedI submit this scheme to the civilised world hoping to meet aWant of the 19th centuryBoodels says that practically a Cricketing Eleven meanssomething of this sort being generally speaking merely asociety organised for the purpose of staying at other people shouses free of chargeCazell wishes to know if we are going to waste our time intalking nonsense or are we going to settle about our guestsThe question I say is whether my proposal is nonsense ornotChilvern hopes we ll make out our list

The Scheme Dismissed 49Jenkyns Soames settled Byrton ditto Old Mrs BoodelsBYRTON AN ETONIAN IN TWO FORMSUpper Form Lower FormBOODELS GRANDMOTHERNowHappy Thought on seeingthese pictures To ask BoodelsBOODELS GRANDMOTHER AT EIGHTEENgrandmother then ThenE

50 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLMilburd votes for asking the Chertons Capital girls hesays and appeals to Boodels Boodels opines that yes theyare very nice girlsNo humbug about them says MilburdWith this recommendation we put down the ChertonsMiss Adelaide and Miss Bella41ADELAIDE CHERTON BELLA CHERTONHappy Thought Pine AppleStyle

The List Settled 51Boodels says that as they often go on a visit to his grandmother she can bring them bothSettledBoodels lends us a butlerPious with a turn for hymns inthe pantry Milburd brings avalet A sociable creature withan inclination to be affable andjoin in the conversation roundthe dinner tableMilburd presents us with aOUR BUTLERgroom whose wife cooks Thegroom himself has waited attable occasionally At first hesays Woa to the vegetablesand the sauces He cannonsagainst the butler and tells thedogs to get out carn t yerAfter a few days he is in goodtrainingByrton brings a soldier servant who will only attend to hismaster OUR GROOMmastere2

52 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLThe Chertons have a ladies maid who affects the latestfashion but is a failure in glovesMrs Boodels maid is an elderly feS male The vinegar in the kitchen saladWe engage on her recommendation a housemaid and a charTHE CHERTONS AID woman of irreproachable antecedentsa Chilvern who gives himself aholiday brings his clerk a sharplittle fellow of sixteen to cleanthe boots and render himself generally useful The first day he wasMimpudent to Mrs Boodels maidMRS BOODELS MAIDand was thrashed by Byrton s servantHe is now quiet and subservientOUR PRETTY PAGE

CHAPTER VIIIA MORNING DISCUSSIONON DEAFNESS ESCAPES BUTTONHOLED A DISCUSSION MORNING LOSTRAGE DESPAIREAF people are very happy says BoodelsthoughtfullyPerhaps replies the Professorof Scientific Economy a deaf person can gain no information fromconversationWho does asks Bella pertlyWho finds mushrooms in afield asks Chilvern who has been engaged in this latelyGive it up says Milburd That s the worst of Milburdwhen a conversation is beginning to promise some results henips it in the bud with the frost of his nonsenseBella asks what Mr Chilvern was going to say He has

54 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLnearly forgotten but recalls it to his mind on Cazell repeatingthe word mushroomsAh yes says Chilvern evidently feeling that the brilliancyof his simile has been taken off by the interruption I wasgoing to say a propos of Miss Bella s remark about no onegaining any information from conversationI didn t say that Mr ChilvernNo of course not We all side with Miss BellaChilvern nowhere Ah well he says I thought you didAnd if I had asks Miss Bella triumphantlyEh well if you had Chilvern meditates and thenanswers if you had why then I was going to say thathere he breaks off and finishes well it doesn tmatter now but it was very good when I first thought of itHe disappears i e from a conversational point of view inour laughter He is extinguishedWhat s he saying asks Mrs BoodelsMilburd takes up the trumpet He says shouts Milburdit being quite unnecessary to shout that he s a very cleverfellowAh says Mrs Boodels Mr Chilvern s always jokingI never said anything of the sort says the injured Chilvernto her defending himself through the ear trumpet

On Deafness 5sAh observes Mrs Boodels perfectly satisfied I wassure he never could have said that Then she considers for afew seconds After this she remarks Cleverness is not oneof his strong pointsWhereupon she smiles amiably Chilvern walks to thewindowWe were saying says the Professor who evidently has awhole three volume lecture ready for us that deaf people arehappy Now I controvert that opinion To be deaf is not ablessingThen says Milburd a person who is deaf is not a blessedold man or old woman as the case may beYou misapprehend me my dear Milburd What I wouldsay about deafness is this exit BELLA quietly is thisthat the loss of the sense of hearingIs seldom the loss of hearing sense interrupts Boodels atthe door Exit BOODELSTo a certain extent continues the Professor who hasMilburd now as it were in his grasp Boodels althoughputting it lightly was right Sense is uncommonSpecially common sense I observe Being my firstremark for some time But I like the Professor and hisphilosophic views have an interest for me that they evidently

56 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLdo not possess for natures which will be always butterflyingaboutYou are right says the Professor turning to me whereupon Milburd rises quietly and gets to the door ExitMILBURD But common sense though I admit wronglydesignated does not convey to us a positive pleasure Thequestion which we are considering namely whether to be deafis a happiness or not should be treated in the Socratic methodand the whole reasoning reduced to the simplest syllogismsThrough the window I see Bella going out with MilburdAdelaide is with Boodels Chilvern is pointing at me theyare all laughing I smile to them and at them as much as tosay Bless you I m with you in spirit but the Professor hasmy body Byrton I see meeting them He has his driving coaton Hang it they re gping for some excursion without meThoughts while the Professor is talking on the pleasures ofdeafness Where are they going to Why didn t they tellme I think Bella might have given me some notion Ifshe s with Milburd won t he make fun of ne Is he tryingto cut me out or not If yes it s deuced unfair of himBella doesn t look back or make any sign to me to come If Ijoined them now should Ibe de trop No How can I It sall our party generally They disappear into the shrubbery

Buttonkoled 57Professor suddenly asks me That you ll admit I supposeHappy Thought As I haven t heard a single word of whathe s been saying to reply guardedly Well to a certain extentperhaps but then I pause and frown as if considering itwhatever it isThe Professor is lost in amazement But he exclaimsyou must admit that By what theory of approximation canyou show that we do not attain to such perfectibility of numberunless you would say as I have heard advanced by the Budengenschool that the expression is but a formula adapted to our humanexperienceI wonder to myself what point he is arguing with me Hissubject was DeafnessHappy Thought In order to find out where he s got to inhis lecture ask him Yes but how does this tell upon DeafnessI will show you but it is impossible to discuss conclusionsunless we settle our premisses I hear the trap in the stableyard and Byrton woa woaing Bother Will you bring somedeep objection to a premiss which is fundamentalI beg his pardon which premissHappy Thought Better find out what he is talking aboutthen differ from him point blank and leave the room

58 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLHappy Thought Pair off Same idea as that excellentparliamentary arrangement when you agree to differ withanother member for a whole session on every question andthen go away and enjoy yourselfThe premiss repeats the Professor that you would notadmit just now I do not say he adds I hear the wheelsCan I jump up and say Excuse me and run out I could ifI was a young lady or an elderly one But a man can t do itspecially as President or Host without being rude that youhad not good grounds but what are those grounds Here heplants his binocle on his nose leans back and stares at meGood Heavens If I hadn t differed from him or I mean ifI d only understood what theHappy Thought To ask seriously Re state exactlythe premiss I disputed I m sure to catch a glimpse of thetrap and horses as they drive past the lake Hang the ProfessorSimply says he in putting the first premiss I used theold formula viz that the point in question was as clear as thattwo and two make fourGood Heavens have I been disputing that with you Ialmost shoutWhat else he asks astonished

Morning Lost 59Why I I really cannot speak I am so annoyedI ve lost a whole morning and whole day perhaps and a jollyparty and and andWhat s the matter asks Mrs Boodels handing herinstrument of torture to the Professor What does hesayHe says commences the ProfessorJe me sazue Exit myself hurriedly I rush to thestableJames Where are they goneThey said sir as they were gone to the meet Ounds isout near ereGONE TO THE MEET

CHAPTER IXA WET DAYRAIN THE MEDFORDS CONVERSATION APROPOSAL ACCEPTED THE TRICK THELECTUREROVOKING I do believe saysMiss Adelaide Cherton it s literally set in for rainMrs Boodels without troublingherself to raise her ear trumpetsmiles blandly and proceeds withher knittingHappy Thought A deaf person can always talk to herselfand obtain a hearingMiss Bella exclaims Oh what shall we do if it rainsWhereupon Miss Medford observes that the gentlemen willamuse usMiss Medford is an addition to our party She was broughtby Mrs Orby Frimmely and Mr Frimmely subsequently

The AMedfords 61came down with her brother Alfred Medford a celebratedmusical amateur of thenobility s concerts A veryinteresting looking youngman Mrs Boodels observesaloud when he arrives butshe is a little afraid of himon finding that he can do aconjuring trick He onlyMISS MEDFORDhas onehas one Happy Thought JapanI continue reading the esc Tommy stylenewspaper I determine towithdraw presently to myown room where I shall lockmyself in andHappy Thought for WetDay Write letters JenkynsSoames observes that he shalldevote his day to correctinghis great work on ScientificEconomy for the press MRS ORBY FRIMMELYMrs Orby Frimmely says Happy Thought Thethat it s wonderful to Anyhow style

62 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLher how Mr Soames thinks of all the clever things hewritesSoames remarks upon this modestly that he has made theone subject his study and all his thoughts are given to its developmentMrs Boodels requests that the Professor s last observationmay be repeated to herSolo on the Ear trumpet by Miss Medford Milburd strollsin then Boodels Mrs Boodels suddenly informs everyone thatshe is deeply interested in Mr Soames work and as it is a wetday will he read some of it aloud to amuse usThe ladies look at one another and smile Mrs OrbyFrimmely exclaims Oh do and laughsMilburd says it s just the thing to while away a happy hourand instances the Polytechnic as being his favourite place ofamusement in LondonMr Soames replies to this that the Polytechnic and himselfare different institutionsAll right says Milburd go ahead Whereupon Milburdrushes into the library Silence during his absence It isbroken by Medford asking Boodels if he s ever seen the trickwith the shilling in the tumbler Boodels replies that he hasbut would like to see it again Medford is just producing

Conversation 63his shilling when the Professor returns The Professor whohas been searching for something in his note book now asksif they the ladies really wish to hear some of his newbookOh do enthusiastically everybodyI will fetch it down says the Professor much pleased andleaves the roomMedford holds up the shilling and says You see this shillingBoodels begs his pardon for a minute and referring to theProfessor asks I say haven t we let ourselves into too muchof a good thingMrs Frimmely observes that it ll be something to doMiss Adelaide says I hate lecturesMiss Bella strikes in with Well if he bores we can ask himquestionsIt appears that he s going to have a lively time of itMilburd re enters he has arranged the library and begs us toWalk up as if it were a showMedford observes that there will be time before the lecturebegins to show his conjuring trick with the shillingCazell interrupts him with the gong from the hall and Chilvernplays a march on the piano Medford pockets his shilling andobserves that he ll do it afterwards

64 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLThe Professor appears on the scene He requests that theremay be no TomfooleryI say to him No of course not as I really do wish Milburdwould show some consideration and treat the matter seriouslyMilburd apologises for his fun and we attend the Professor tothe library There we find a black board a glass of water anda piece of chalkI propose commences the Professor dealing with thePleasures of Wealth Brayvo from Milburd Immediatelyfrowned down by everybodyI have reduced the calculation to a simple formula intelligible to all intellects of more or less cultivationMedford asks me in a whisper if I do know his trick with ashilling I return hush and look seriousWinks between Byrton and ChilvernCatching the Professor s eye Chilvern looks suddenly solemnand deeply interested It is a pity that they will go on beingbuffoonsThe study of algebra suggests the mode of treatmentWry face made by Mrs FrimmelyMrs Boodels is seated placidly with her ear trumpetraised and on her lips a smile of calm contentment fromwhich we subsequently infer that she doesn t catch one word

Sum by tke Professor 65As the wealth so the Pleasure Here he driazs on hisslate Milburd inquires What s that but is hushed downAs x 2 b 5The product of the extremes equals the product of theMeans and as long as this sum in proportion is observed Ruinis impossibleThe key here is that b 1 000 000Then5x 2b2b2 000 000S X 400 000Not a bad sum per annum says the Professor smiling inorder to throw a little pleasantry into the matter which isbecoming a trifle heavy Mrs Boodels asleep Though Ithought it was more when I commenced the equationI will now he says write down a textWatches out a yawn from Cazell ladiesrestlessTo Give is a Wealthy PleasureAnd on this I make what I call suggestionsF

66 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLThe poor man has it in his power to cause the Rich greatpleasureLet I stand for meImpossible interrupts Milburn sotto voce Our PhilosophicLecturer takes no notice He is rising with his subjectLet us say I is poorMiss Bella says Excuse me a moment and vanishes WishI could get outLet all I s rich friends subscribe according to their meansfrom 5 upwardsResult easily attained 5 000Say that eighty people subscribed 62 10s apiece Arethere not eighty people in London Manchester and Liverpoolwho could do this and not miss it so much as I should miss afarthing put by accident into a Church plate of course I meanby mistake for half a sovereignBut how could such a mistake arise you would sayWe wouldn t but he couldn t tell thatWhy simply because I never give less in Church than half asovereign Ergo I never give in Church unless I have half asovereign in my pocket But I never have half a sovereign inmy pocketSmiles from everyone and applause from Milburd

The Lecture 67towards whom the Professor looks appealingly as much as tosay There I can be just as funny as you only withoutTomfooleryErgo cela va saus direSo you see eighty people could make I happyMedford is practising his trick with a shilling by himselfWhich is equivalent to saying that eighty people couldmake me happyAnd I has it you observe in his power to make eightypeople happy by accepting the subscriptionNote which I suggest to the Professor Should this evermeet the eye of Baron Rothschild let him remember that byhis single act he can attain to the happiness of eighty peopleIf any of you here present happen to be acquainted withthe Baron and will introduce me to him it will be I am surea step in the interests of humanity generally and not withoutits beneficial results to individuals particularly HearhearWith this bit of Practicality the lecture concludesHe tells me in confidence that he finished quickly becausehe felt he was above his audienceF2

68 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLMilburd subsequently offers to introduce the Professor toBaron Rothschild for a considerationNo one as yet has found any of the pleasures of PovertySome one says Absence of Income tax This is met withAbsence of Income Solution rejectedWe found afterwards on our Scientific Lecturer s tableMSS ofLetters to Rothschild by a Professor of ScientificEconomyOne commences thusDear BaronYou will doubtless be surprised at hearing from anhumble individual who has nothing but his Scheme of Personal Scientific Economy and his unblemished character torecommend him to your noticeI am getting up a subscription for myself This soundsput shortly egotistical On the contrary it is CosmopolitanlyPhilanthropical If I am enabled to teach my doctrines fornothing I shall then be slave to no man no not even tomyself as represented by my own necessities May I head the

The Pleasures of Poverty 69list with a sum worthy your munificence and perfectlyOriental wealth Yes I hear you say yes I knew itI shall put your Lordship down for 20 000 and willbe careful to send you a receipt for the money Business isbusinessYrs cJ SOAMESPerhaps one day the Professor of Scientific Economy willpublish his Letters to Baron Rothschild But I don t thinkthere will ever appear a very voluminous collection of Lettersof Baron R to Mr Jenklyns SoamesMilburd asks him what he should say were the pleasuresof povertyThe Professor considersWe all considerThe Professor wishing to do everything methodically writeson the slate in large type THE PLEASURES OF POVERTYFIRST Pleasure

70 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLThen he pauses Then he speaks On thorough consideration I am convinced that Poverty has no pleasuresIf any they are peculiarThey are Grim PleasuresOne grim Pleasure of Poverty is talking about ourselvesA very poor subject observes Miss MedfordAfter a silence during which I am just on the point ofsaying something but don t the Professor addsNo We try very hard but can not see any pleasure inPovertyPENNY WISE AND POUND FOOLISH

CHAPTER XOUT OF AN ALBUM ON LOSS OF PATIENCE MRS FRIMMELY S SUGGESTIONA DAY DANCEUERY What shall we doWe lounge over the roomSundecidedly Mrs Boodelsthinks it s still raining Pour1 ing Miss Bella says Whata bother Miss Medford remembers having heard aproblem worthy the Professor s attention We pause in our indecision and she readsfrom her albumWhat circumstance most justifies loss of patienceThe Professor of Scientific Economy replies a smokychimneyHe explains that he is thinking of a bitterly cold

72 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLday in winter when he wanted to sit in his study and write atreatise on the Amount of change to be obtained out of aRoman Denarius B C 108 On this occasion his chimneywould smoke and he had to sit with the door and windowopen Then the smoke choked him next the draught gavehim cold then his fingers became frozen finally his feet werelike icicles in refrigerating stockings After standing this forabout two hours he could not help sayingEvidently a case where the Recording Angel would noteven chance a blotHappy Thought What a mess that book will be inPerhaps illegibleMiss Adelaide Cherton thinks that to find a wasp inside theonly peach on the wall was most provokingByrton s Opinion Hot coffee over your new cords on ashow meet dayIt strikes me that to come on shore after taking a swim inthe river and not to be able to find your clothes is a circumstance quite justifying loss of patienceApropos of this Chilvern says he recollects a fellow Smitha friend of his bathing and when he came out he couldn t findhis clothes So as some people were coming along the bank

On Loss of Patience 73Smith retired to the stream and Chilvern went to search forthe habiliments The fact was that Smith had gone down withthe stream and his clothes had been consequently left a milebehindChilvern found the clothes then returned but couldn t findSmithThe current had taken him down stream another mileSo it might have gone on had not the river been a tidal oneor worked on some peculiar principles which Chilvern doesn texplain and the stream changing back brought Smithwith it and then he was happy only with a cold for everafterMrs Boodels being informed of the discussion through herear trumpet said that losing a thimble was quite sufficient tojustify any loss of patienceThe gentlemen present observe that they have no doubt itis so but they have had no experienceMilburd thinks that the button off your collar or losingyour stud at the last moment is the most trying thingBella Cherton after walking to the window several times andseeing no sign of fine weather says I ll tell you what I consider most justifies loss of patienceWhat we inquire

74 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLSitting here she repliedNote This sort of reply rather throws a damper over effortsto be genial Mrs Boodels wishes it to be repeated to herthrough the trumpet Damper through the ear trumpetMrs Orby Frimmely says that trying to get through yourfavourite valse with a bad partner AhM rs 0 F s Happy Thought By the way as it is so wetwhy not have a dance Mr Medford can playSeconded by Byrton and supported by the ladiesAdjournment to Drawing Room Odd We suddenly fallinto our ball room manners Talking to partners quietlyGoing out to get cool on the stairsByrton is dancing with Mrs Orby Frimmely Mr OrbyFrimmely being engaged in town is not hereByrton is certainly very much struck in fact he says so andshows it However he is always being struck always saying soalways showing it and that s allJenkyns Soames has retired to his room probably to writeto RothschildChilvern is Miss Cherton s partnerMilburd is Miss Bella sI don t dance I debate with myself whether I can or notI used to In a waltz for instance I know two steps out of

A Day Dance 5three The third is where I fail Dances change so Mywaltz is the Deux temps for the simple reason that the Deuxtemps does also for the galop that is it does for my galopI flatter myself on my galop Here so to speak I am athome If Medford can only play a galop and if Miss Bellawill give up Milburd or Milburd give her up why je suis sonhonmme I am her manMedford will do a galop he says and immediately before Ihave time to ask if Bella if Miss Bella he strikes into itand the dancers change their step and are whirling round andround then up and down I can t stop them As the operabooks say Rage Madness DespairI catch her eyeShe understands I am sureShe willIf she doesShe stops making some excuse to Milburd and looking at meAha Milburd you think yourself such a lady killer that athis to myself thinkinglyHappy Thought To go up to her and say You promisedmeI do itDid I she says

76 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLMilburd gives in unexpectedly and relinquishes herAha we are off Round and round carpet rather badto dance on up and down I feel that we are just skirting chairs and that another inch will bring down the fire ironswe put on the pace I haven t danced for well forsome considerable time we nearly come bang against thepiano my fault beg pardon but we won t stopOh no says Bella and we don t stopA little quieter just to as it were regain consciousnessfor everything is becoming blurred jerky sentences whiledancing It s more difficult to steer when thereare a few than when Yes says Miss Bella whoquite undertands Myself tenderly Do you likedancing Yes whirl round up and downthen This dance What whirl round justto get the steam up again for the question and put it sottovoce finding myself close to her ear such a pretty little earmade to be whispered into Do you like this danceVery much My heart is fluttering nervously like astray bird under a skylight With anyone Noanswer y question means do you prefer ME to dancewith and not only to dance with butThe music ceases Medford is tired We all thank him

The FinishGong LuncheonIf it hadn t been for the gongBut at all events the wet morning is overHOW DO YOU LIKE 3Y FIZZ

CHAPTER XIA NIGHT SURPRISEOODELS and Milburd knock at mydoor at 2 30 a m afterI ve been asleep twoShours and wake me upto tell me that they hadthought of a Pleasure ofPoverty it was MilburdsaidTo think that you can t be worse off while you hopethat others mayI say Oh don t bother I mean yes capitalgo to bed and turning round try to sleep againThe Deputation thanks me and withdrawsWhat an idiotic thing to do I say to myself What a

Loss of Sleef 79foolish thing getting more wakeful What a cruelthing Hang it it s positively selfish it s turningfor the fifth time and my pillow becoming as hot as a blisterConfound Boodels and Milburd it s all his doing Iknow sitting up in bedIt occurs to me that counting one hundred and forty backwards and then getting out and drinking a glass of water is acapital way of inducing sleepOdd but in Milburd and Boodels coming to rouse me atthis time I find a solution to the other question that we hadoccupied part of our morning in discussingWhat circumstance justifies loss of patienceWhy loss of sleepSOFT REPOSE

CHAPTER XIIOUR LIBRARY BUSTS DISTINGUISHED CHARACTERS MELANCHOLY GUESSESSOAMES MRS BOODELS AGAIN MILBURD HIS JOKE A NUISANCEF all the melancholy objects of ArtBusts are the most soDo you want a sensationf of Miserable MelancholyTake yourselfOff to a dusty library ofbookshelves chiefly emptyand the remainder havingan occasional medical treatise in the original Latin withdiagrams of the human frame no fire rain pouring damp mistover the landscape no pens ink or even paper to tear upinto fanciful shapes and nothing for company except busts ofcelebrated people looking like the upper part of the ghosts ofhalf washed chimney sweepers

Busts 81After a time they only resemble one thing a collection ofseveral homicidal criminalsSit before a bust any bust under the above circumstancesYou wonder to what you would have condemned this hideouscreature had he been brought up in his lifetime before youas a magistrateOn every feature is stamped Ruffian This man must havebeen hung were there any justice in the worldNo This bust is of the late venerable and excellent Archbishop SnufflerIs it possible And all these other savage looking creatures Are says my informant in the damplibrary who only comes in for a minute ArchbishopsBishops celebrated Philanthropists Doctors and men ofscienceAnd here they are perched up aloft like overgrowncherubs whose wings have been taken off by some surgicaloperationHappy Thought If you want to be revenged on somebodyand don t mind expense have his portrait painted with all hisdefects glaringly rendered and present it as a mark of esteemto his family0

82 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLOn his fiftieth birthday give him a bust of himself tobe placed in his hall Depend upon it you ve punishedhimJenkyns Soames our Professor of Scientific Economy wastalking of the Zoological GardensI dispute says he the fact of the Hyena laughingWhyWhy Solvitur ambulando or rather non ambulando forI ve stood in front of his cage for half an hour and I ve neverseen him laugh onceThis was repeated to Mrs BoodelsYes says she that s very probable But when MrJenkyns went awayMilburd tried to cap this by asking as a conundrum whythe Hymna wouldn t laugh in your faceAs Mrs Boodels rose the ladies had to go out too so no onestopped for the answer He caught me alone in a corner andtold me what it was I think he said that it was because theHymna was an Hy brid animal He explained that he meanthigh bredHappy Thought To say Oh that s very old This hasthe same effect on a conundrum maker as the most brilliantrepartee

A Nzssance 83Unless it leads him to come to you three times a day everafterwards with fresh ones all hot as it were from the baker sand ask you perpetually Well is this old11111JO MILLERBringing more Mateiial fvr Jokec 2

CHAPTER XIIIMUSIC MEDFORD MILBURD S SONG CONSEQUENCE OPINIONS NOTE COMPLIMENTS EPIGRAM THE DAMP FIREWORKM ILBURD asks Medford to accompany him in a little thing of hisown The ladies have taken theirturn at the piano and Medfordhimself has favoured us withhalf an hour s worth of his unpublished compositions Milburdannounces his song as A WAITING GAMESuggested by A Dreary Lot is MineA waiting game is mineFair maidA waiting game is mineOne day I shall not be afraidTo ask then hear I m thine

Milburd s Song s5And when that word I ve spoo 5 kenEre yet I am quite greyNe er will it dear be bro o o kenFor ever and a dayMrs Boodels wants to know if he won t kindly sing it to herthrough her ear trumpet He promises to do so one day whenthey are aloneSECOND VERSEA waiting game is mine fair maidA waiting game is mineI ll stay until my debts are paidThe contract then I ll signUnless you ve fifty thousand poundsTo bring me as a dowerIf so those are sufficient groundsFor wedding now this hourNobody asks him to sing again Mrs Frimmely saysShe only cares for French songs English comic songs sheadds are so vulgar Settler for Milburd Glad of itAfter this Milburd says he s got another a better one

86 HAPPY THOUGHT HALLWe say sing it to morrowHappy Thought expressed in a complimentary mannerA good song like yours is better for keepingNote to MyselfThe age for compliments is gone The courtly and polishedAbbe who would have said the above epigrammaticallywhen it would have been considered remarkably witty haspassed away No one believes in compliment It has nocurrency except done in a most commonplace way Butthe epigrammatic compliment the well prepared impromptuthe careful rehearsed inspiration is out of date Now adays there are no wits and no appreciation of The WitsConversation is damped by a bon mot An awful silencefollows the most brilliant jeu de mot as sombre as the darkness after a forked flash or as the gardens at the CrystalPalace after the last bouquet of fireworksConversation is like a boot When damped it loses itspolishThe above remarks occasioned by no one having taken any