• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Front Matter
 Half Title
 Frontispiece
 Title Page
 Preface
 Table of Contents
 A visit to the barber
 Counting the pigs
 The elephant fire brigade
 Three-year-old's apple
 The lion's battle
 Miss Jones's cat
 The monkeys' toboggan slide
 Prissy's curls
 Baby's politeness
 The frog and the worm
 The Simpleton family in search...
 Jack Frost
 An enterprising hippo'
 Three boys and a donkey
 The elephant's journey
 The doll in the desert
 A little surprise
 A country ramble
 Catching the cat
 The trader and the cannibals
 Tommy's dreadful dream
 An alarming patient
 The acrobats
 The lasso trick
 The lion who went a-fishing
 Our neighbor, the black cat
 The giant and the dwarf
 A foreigner
 A ride for nothing
 The Frenchman's pig
 Josy's cat
 His first photograph
 Three studious youths
 How Mr. Bunnie missed the...
 Advertising
 Back Cover
 Spine






Group Title: Red nursery series
Title: Very funny stories told in rhyme
CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE TURNER PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00084120/00001
 Material Information
Title: Very funny stories told in rhyme
Series Title: Red nursery series
Physical Description: 128, 4 p. : ill. ; 19 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Lomax, Alfred E.
Wood, Elizabeth W ( Author )
Sheila ( Author )
Groser, Horace G ( Author )
Sunday School Union (England) ( Publisher )
Morrison and Gibb ( Printer )
Publisher: Sunday School Union
Place of Publication: London
Manufacturer: Morrison and Gibb
Publication Date: 1896?
 Subjects
Subject: Animals -- Juvenile poetry   ( lcsh )
Wit and humor, Juvenile -- Juvenile poetry   ( lcsh )
Children -- Conduct of life -- Juvenile poetry   ( lcsh )
Conduct of life -- Juvenile poetry   ( lcsh )
Children's poetry   ( lcsh )
Children's poetry -- 1896   ( lcsh )
Publishers' advertisements -- 1896   ( rbgenr )
Hand-colored illustrations -- 1896   ( local )
Bldn -- 1896
Genre: Children's poetry
Publishers' advertisements   ( rbgenr )
Hand-colored illustrations   ( local )
poetry   ( marcgt )
Spatial Coverage: England -- London
Scotland -- Edinburgh
 Notes
General Note: Date of publication from inscription.
General Note: Verses by Elizabeth W. Wood, "Sheila," and Horace G. Groser.
General Note: Publisher's advertisements follow text.
General Note: Some illustrations engraved by Holman and Ferrier.
General Note: Baldwin Library copy illustrations are hand-colored: probably by young owner.
Statement of Responsibility: with numerous illustrations.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00084120
Volume ID: VID00001
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 002239235
notis - ALH9761
oclc - 232606067

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover 1
        Front Cover 2
    Front Matter
        Page 1
        Page 2
    Half Title
        Page 3
    Frontispiece
        Page 4
    Title Page
        Page 5
        Page 6
    Preface
        Page 7
        Page 8
    Table of Contents
        Page 9
        Page 10
    A visit to the barber
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
    Counting the pigs
        Page 14
    The elephant fire brigade
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    Three-year-old's apple
        Page 21
    The lion's battle
        Page 22
    Miss Jones's cat
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 26
    The monkeys' toboggan slide
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
    Prissy's curls
        Page 34
        Page 35
    Baby's politeness
        Page 36
    The frog and the worm
        Page 37
    The Simpleton family in search of the North Pole
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
    Jack Frost
        Page 44
        Page 45
    An enterprising hippo'
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
        Page 51
        Page 52
    Three boys and a donkey
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
    The elephant's journey
        Page 59
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 62
    The doll in the desert
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
    A little surprise
        Page 69
    A country ramble
        Page 70
    Catching the cat
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
    The trader and the cannibals
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
    Tommy's dreadful dream
        Page 78
        Page 79
    An alarming patient
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 82
    The acrobats
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 86
    The lasso trick
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
        Page 91
    The lion who went a-fishing
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
    Our neighbor, the black cat
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
    The giant and the dwarf
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
    A foreigner
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
    A ride for nothing
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
    The Frenchman's pig
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
    Josy's cat
        Page 116
        Page 117
    His first photograph
        Page 118
    Three studious youths
        Page 119
    How Mr. Bunnie missed the party
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
    Advertising
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132
    Back Cover
        Back Cover 1
        Back Cover 2
    Spine
        Spine
Full Text










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The Baldwin Library
University
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VERY FUNNY STORIES
TOLD IN RHYME.






























































They laughed, and they listened, and they all cried for more,
And he told a tale more funny than the tale he told before.







THE RED NURSERY SERIES


TOD NNHY




TOLD IN RHYME


WITH NUMEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS


LONDON:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL UNION
57 & 59 LUDGATE HILL, E.C.


Aok



























































































PRINTED BY

IORRISON AND GIBB LIMITED. EDINBURGH














prefatory jNote


1 OST of the verses contained in this volume
have hitherto appeared only in serial form;
some have never before been published. They
are chiefly from the pens of Elizabeth W. Wood,
" Sheila," and Horace G. Groser, author of Little
Folks' Land." The initial signatures, W.," S.,"
and G.," correspond respectively to the names of
these writers.























1i)
'I


CONTENTS

PAGE
A VISIT TO THE BARBER II
COUNTING THE PIGS 14

THE ELEPHANT FIRE BRIGADE 15
THREE-YEAR-OLD'S APPLE 21
THE LIONS' BATTLE 22
MISS JONES'S CAT 23
THE MONKEYS' TOBOGGAN SLIDE 27
PRISSY'S CURLS 34
BABY'S POLITENESS 36
THE FROG AND THE WORM 37
THE SIMPLETON FAMILY IN SEARCH OF THE NORTH POLE 38
JACK FROST 44










CONTENTS


AN ENTERPRISING HIPPPO'

THREE BOYS AND A DONKEY

THE ELEPHANT'S JOURNEY

THE DOLL IN THE DESERT

A LITTLE SURPRISE

A COUNTRY RAMBLE

CATCHING THE CAT

THE TRADER AND THE CANNIBALS

TOMMY'S DREADFUL DREAM

AN ALARMING PATIENT.

THE ACROBATS

THE LASSO TRICK

THE LION WHO WENT A-FISHING

OUR NEIGHBOUR, THE BLACK CAT

THE GIANT AND THE DWARF

A FOREIGNER *

A RIDE FOR NOTHING .

THE FRENCHMAN'S PIG.

JoSY'S CAT

HIS FIRST PHOTOGRAPH

THREE STUDIOUS YOUTHS

HOW -MR. BUNNIE MISSED THE PARTY


PAGE
S46

S53

S59
63

69

70

S71

S 74

78
80

S83
S87

S92

S95
S 98

104

107

i io




19

S 120









Very


funny


Stories


A Visit to the Parber


" ,.OOD morning, Mr. Barber,
And pray how do you do?
With my distinguished custom
I wish to favour you.
" Your terrified assistant
Should know it's not polite







VERY FUNNY STORIES


To scramble through the window,
As if I were a fright!

" I'm not so very ugly,
He has no need to fear;
It's just my bristling love-locks
That make me look so queer!


"I'm told it is the fashion
To wear a close-cut crop,
And so, you see, I've entered
A world-famed barber's shop."

The barber's heart was melted
By such a compliment;
He said, "Please step this way, sir,"
As if on business bent.

Then, chatting of the weather,
The porcupine sat down,
But soon the barber's smiling
Was turned into a frown.

And when the task was finished,
He gazed, with bitter tears,
On heaps of broken scissors
And blunted garden-shears!







A VISIT TO THE BARBER

Meantime, to his neat dwelling
The porcupine did hie;
But when his wife beheld him,
She gave a startled cry.

"Who are you, ugly stranger,
I pray you tell me that,





ftt








She gave a startled cry.

And why should you be wearing
My husband's best silk hat?"

"My dearest, don't you know me,
Your faithful porcupine?
'Tis now the height of fashion
To wear short crops like mine."






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Alas! the storm that followed
That poor shorn beast did crush;
His lady called him door-mat,"
And even "scrubbing-brush."

And now he's cured for ever
Of being such a fop,
And never more will enter
That world-famed barber's shop !
W.



Counting the ]igs

" >TvOU Sambo, have you fed the pigs?
Hi, Sambo, do you hear?"
"Yes, sure me fed 'em long ago;
Dey's all right, Massa dear!"

"You Sambo, did you count the pigs?
That, Sambo, must be done."
"Sure, Massa dear, me count 'em all;
Me count 'em all but one.

" Dere be one little speckly pig,
He frisked about so gay,
Me couldn't count him, Massa dear,
No count him anyway/"






THE ELEPHANT FIRE BRIGADE

The Elephant fire Brigade

0 H, have you not heard
Of that monarch before-
The rich famous Rajah
Of Ramadampore?
Why, what can your teacher
Be thinking about,
In history lessons
To leave his name out?
Well, listen a moment,
And briefly I'll tell
The wonders that once
In his country befell.
'Tis not of his riches
I want you to hear,
Nor yet of his armies
With banner and spear;
But a marvel that puts
All the rest in the shade,
His wonderful ELEPHANT
FIRE BRIGADE.
'Twas charming to see
How adroitly they worked;
No call" was neglected,
No duty was shirked.






VERY FUNNY STORIES

One night the King's palace
Burst out in a blaze;
And, trembling with terror,
The crowd stood to gaze.

But while no one tried
To extinguish the flame,


T V(i :


Tramp, tramp, to the palace
The Fire Brigade came.

They set down their buckets,
Filled full from the pool,
Where in summer they loved
Their hot bodies to cool;







THE ELEPHANT FIRE BRIGADE


And, using their trunks
As a syringe, they flung
Many gallons of water
The ruins among.







VERY FUNNY STORIES


It. 2ti l1--


When the terrible fire
Was "got under" at last,
In turn to each window
The Elephants passed.







THE ELEPHANT FIRE BRIGADE 19

And putting their heads
To the balcony end,
Allowed the scared inmates
Unhurt to descend.

Nor was it the fault
Of the clever Brigade,
That the Chamberlain old,
Sliding down half afraid,

Forgot, in his hurry,
Behind him to look,
And received the whole weight
Of the Rajah's Head Cook;







20 VERY FUNNY STORIES

For the monarch next day,
In reviewing the band,
Said, "A troupe so well drilled
I am proud to command! "


So it's certain-- ; oh, well,
If you think it's "all stuff,"
And refuse to believe,
Why, I've said quite enough.
G.







THREE YEAR-OLD'S APPLE


Zhree-year-old's


applee


" ERY good he has been all morning,"
Y& Thought Three-year-old's mother one
day,
So she said to the dear little fellow
On the nursery hearth-rug at play,

"See, here is a rosy-cheeked apple,
But don't eat it all alone;
Go and offer a half to some playmate
Who hasn't got one of his own."


1-7






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Just half an hour later she asked him
(For mothers never forget),
How did' you like your apple?
And whom did you share it with, pet ?"
"Well, I went to my little pussie,
And whispered into her ear,
'I've got such a pretty red apple,
So will you have half of it, dear?'"
"I'm sure that you tried," said his mother,
To do just what you were told;
But why wish to share it with Kitty,
You queer little Three-year-old ? "
Then Three-year-old looked up bravely,
Though his dear baby face was red,
"'Cause pussies don't ever eat apples,
And, I wanted it all," he said!
W.

Zhe Lions' Pattle
TWO lions once, the best of friends,
-K Went for a.walk together,
But' in a wood the pair fell out,
Whilst talking of the weather.
So hard they fought with tooth and claw,
So well they matched each other,
That, at the end, each noble beast
Had eaten up his brother!







MISS JONES'S CAT


Two tails alone were left; perhaps
To point the moral, whether
'Tis wise for e'en the dearest friends
To take a walk together!


)'iss Jones's


Cat


He did not wish to wander at all.


A ISS JONES'S cat was a gentle creature,
M I Who never seemed to know he had claws;
You could read his goodness in every feature,
And every hair on his velvet paws.

He was shy and timid, and far from clever,
And did not wish to wander at all;
Indeed, I very much doubt if he ever
Had been to the top of the garden wall.






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Till one sad evening six cats came peeping
At Puss 'mid the flower-pots trying to play;
Right over the wall they came crawling, creeping,
And led Miss Jones's pussy astray.

For he showed the delight he couldn't help feeling,
As soon as he heard of the wondrous store
Of dainty scraps, to be had for the stealing
Each night in the boarding-house next door.








Over the wall they came crawling, creeping.

So off they went, and, all danger scorning,
They sat in the pantry, having a feast,
When suddenly, without sound or warning,
Appeared the big house-dog,-terrible beast!

To the six strange cats it little mattered
How their new friend might fare, and they
fled;
Leaving him there with wits so scattered,
That up to the third-floor landing he sped.







MISS JONES'S CAT


In the night there arose a dismal howling
('Twas Pussy, waking from troubled dreams!),
Which set the house-dog barking and growling,
And roused the sleepers with starts and
screams.

They left their beds with no thought of pity,
And all the house through, with bustle and shout,









I




They followed the steps of Miss Jones's Kitty,
Until they found him and drove him out.

He reached his own door all dusty and weary,
And wept, "I'll be good, and no more will
roam ;
Miss Jones may be dull, and the garden dreary,
But still, after all, there's no place like home! "
TV.







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OG MESO LATE
"O -E PL DON "'T-J I0II0 TIHATrllill, WA. .. YOU.'L..KE l ATE Or--DINNER "
LL Of-I ROVER PLEASE DON'T 00 THAT VAY ; YOU'LL I%+AKE nIE SO LATE FOR DINNER "'






THE MONKEYS' TOBOGGAN SLIDE 27


The monkeyss' Coboggaq Slide


There dwelt an eighteen-foot giraffe,
Who browsed upon the trees.

' MWAS in the wilds of Africa,
,. Midway betwixt the seas,
There dwelt an eighteen-foot giraffe,
Who browsed upon the trees.

He was a truly gentle beast,
This handsome, tall giraffe,
Although he had a lordly stalk,
That made the monkeys laugh.







VERY FUNNY STORIES


But now and then he was aroused
To wrath, as you shall hear;
His temper grew a little hot,-
The monkeys called it queer /

One day he wandered from his home
Beside the sandy creek,


He waved his paws, away he went.


A grove of green acacia trees
With eagerness to seek.

At length he found the lovely spot,
And straight began to clear
The leafy boughs, with such a tongue
As made the monkeys jeer.







THE MONKEYS' TOBOGGAN SLIDE 29


In silence long the feast went on;
Our friend used all his powers,
Endeavouring to rectify
A fast of several hours.

So centred was his mind on work,
That'he was loth to check,


The
A


And soon a string of creatures gay,
With joy disported there.

innocent giraffe scarce felt
weight upon his neck.


And when he heard a chuckling sound,
He still attacked his food,
And muttered, with his mouth too full,
Those monkeys are so rude!"







VERY FUNNY STORIES


Meanwhile, an enterprising beast,
A monkey, small but bold,
Had crawled along a spreading branch,
Then, loosening his hold,

Had dropped upon the diner's head,
And, with a gay Good-bye,"
Turned from his friends, with cager wish
A daring scheme to try.

He waved his paws, away he went,
And had a splendid ride,
Thus making of the poor giraffe
A grand toboggan slide.


And, hoping to dislodge them all,
His legs in turn he shook.







THE MONKEYS' TOBOGGAN SLIDE 31

This made the other monkeys sigh
His happiness to share,
And soon a string of creatures gay
With joy disported there.

Still more and more drew nigh to watch,
Then stayed to join the fun,
Swift sliding down, then climbing up
As fast as they could run.

The great giraffe at length found out
What liberties they took,
And, hoping to dislodge them all,
His legs in turn he shook.


This met with such success.







* VERY FUNNY STORIES


But 'twas in vain; they would not cease
This fascinating game,
And all his mild appeals and threats
Produced no fear, nor shame.


He waved his hinder hoofs aloft,
Which caused distress indeed.


'I'll say no more," the sufferer cried,
Sufficient I have said;
And now I'll speak by deeds!" With this,
He stood upon his head.







THE MONKEYS' TOBOGGAN SLIDE 33

This met with such success, that he,
Encouraged to proceed,
Next waved his hinder hoofs aloft,
Which caused distress indeed!

Then over all his prostrate foes
He lightly tripped and pranced,


Oh, how those monkeys rued the day I


An Irish jig, a tarantelle,
And two Scotch reels he danced.

Oh! how those monkeys rued the day
That ever they had tried
To pass the time by getting up
A grand toboggan slide!






34 VERY FUNNY STORIES
And that giraffe of Africa,
Who dwelt betwixt the seas,
Did ever after feed in peace
,Upon acacia trees!






prissy's Curls

4[gEAR Auntie told us a tale one night
Of a sweet little girl who always did
right;
She had golden curls and her eyes were blue,
And the thing she was bid she would gladly do;


Now you all may be sure, when Auntie said this,
She looked at us both-and especially Pris,
But Pris (who's a naughty and mischievous girl)
Said, "I should be good, if my hair would curl!"


So when Prissy and I were going to bed,
I looked at her smooth straight locks, and said,
"If you'd only let me, I'd make you good-
With a comb and some papers I easily could."







PRISSY'S. CURLS


And Prissy was willing, so then and there
I brushed, and I combed, and I curled her hair;
But oh! if you'd seen her when it was done,
You'd have laughed, though ske didn't think it
fun!






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Yet my time and trouble were simply a loss,
For all next day she was naughty and cross.
" Curls aren't so pleasant" (she said)" as they seem,
For they hurt your head and they make you dream;
" And mine aren't pretty at all, as I know,
For everyone looks and laughs at me so!
And I wonder how she of the golden curls
Could be such a pattern to other girls!"
W











Saby's oliteness
S Baby's busy little feet
Were constant patter keeping,
They chanced upon poor puss to step
While she lay calmly sleeping.
Then suddenly the laughing face
Was changed to one of pity,
While anxiously the piping voice
Cried, "Please excoose me, Kitty!"







THE FROG AND THE WORM


The Frog and the 'Worm


A LESSON IN GOOD MANNERS.






VERY FUNNY STORIES


The Simpleton family

IN SEARCH OF THE NORTH POLE

OR years the Simpletons had sighed
On some adventure forth to ride,
And, learning that much work remained
For travellers where the Ice-King reigned,
They met one evening, and agreed
To borrow some high-mettled steed


(Thinking alternately to ride him,
And let the others run beside him).
Across the prairie then they went,
But soon their plan they did repent;
To go by water they consent.







THE SIMPLETON FAMILY


*R -;:.=, _'

c=--L


Says Mrs. S.,
May tax your


"This stream, my dear,
strength; but I will steer."


They reach the rapids- 'mid the rocks
Encountering some. few trifling shocks.






VERY FUNNY STORIES


On land once more, they hoist a sail,
And all blow hard when breezes fail.


A team of Arctic dogs, though faster,
Are awkward when they face their master.







THE SIMPLETON FAMILY


The ladies now are overjoyed
All further jolting to avoid.


"We surely must have reached our goal,"
Says Mrs. S. ; "I will unroll
My parasol to mark-THE POLE!"







42 VERY FUNNY STORIES





Now take your pistol, love, and fre









A grand salute-'tis my desire;
1'





-The relations this reuire-


















Far off the bullet -took effect:
ANow take yo, wr stole, love ad
On e moment, tumbled d the next.
The regulations this require. '







"- t'-"I )-_ I i. I l
Now take your pisto!, love, and fire






A grand salute- s my desi re ;

The regulations this require."t







A polar bear, who stood erect
One moment, tumbled down the next.







THE SIMPLETON FAMILY


*' 'J \\* "-

" Unfeeling wretch!" cries Mrs. S.,
In tones of motherly distress,
"Where shall these orphans find redress?"


A startling fact, and far from nice,
Concludes the quarrel in a trice---
The "land" they tread is floating ice!






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Says Mrs. S., "I feel quite ill,
And as the climate grows more chill
I fear we're drifting northward still!"
G.

Jack jrost
,ACK FROST, the Wizard, was gruff and grim,
He saw how the little ones frowned on him.
"Do they think," he cried, "that the flowers are
dead,
Just because they are sent to bed?"
So, in the night, while the north wind blew,
Upon their window a sketch he drew.
Lovely it was in the morning sun:
Who can say just how it was done ?
"Ah!" said Daisy, and "Oh!" said Don,
" Here are the flowers with their night-clothes on!"













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THAT WICKED LITTLE BROTHER!






VERY FUNNY STORIES


An Enterprising lippo'.


He went to make researches.


IR Humpy Hippopotamus,
A beast most enterprising,
Looked down with scorn on quiet folks,
Their peaceful ways despising.

"Why .can't you be like me," he said,
"Progressive, bold, and clever?
My spirit rises, light as air,
My watchword is 'Endeavour!'"

The tawny lion blushed with shame
The wild goat fell a-weeping,
The humbled leopard slunk away,
Within the shadows creeping.







AN ENTERPRISING HIPPO'


Then Humpy Hippopotamus
With curling lip departed,
And on a new and dangerous trip
Courageously he started.


Straight upwards in a big balloon,
Which rose by leaps and lurches,
'Mid moons and comets, suns and stars,
He went to make researches.


His pride had short existence.


The gaping beasts turned out to see,
And wondering cries were uttered,
As, to admiring friends below,
His handkerchief he fluttered.






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Alas! for Hippopotamus,-
His pride had short existence!
The force of gravity is strong,
The car made slight resistance;


And with a harsh and fearful sound,
Like breaking twigs of willow,
Sir Humpy fell-to rest his head
Upon no silken pillow!


He lighted on a house of glass.


He lighted on a house of glass,
And instantly went through it,
Upsetting pots, and breaking plants,
Almost before he knew it.







AN ENTERPRISING HIPPO'


Wounded amidst the wreck he lay
With groans he tried to stifle;
For though his spirits were so light,
His weight was not a trifle!

And very quickly it appeared
His trials were not over,
For Humpy found a bed of flowers
Is not "a bed of clover" !

The injured owner, in a rage,
Cried out, "I'll bring an action!"
"'Twas not my fault!" the sufferer said,-
It was the earth's attraction."

Alas! excuses were in vain,
And, very shortly after,
A wounded "prisoner at the bar"
Was tried, 'mid jeers and laughter.

Hard-hearted Beaver brought a charge
Of Rash Precipitation,
And Cowardly Attempt to Blame
The Force of Gravitation."

Vainly poor Humpy tried to look
Serene and independent;-
Vain was the weeping eloquence
Of counsel for defendant!

















































THE PRISONER AT THE BAR.







AN ENTERPRISING HIPPO'


The beasts, once scorned, as jurymen
To their great task had risen,
And, with one voice, the verdict gave
That sent him, to a prison.


And bitterly they wished the law
Could keep him there for ever,-
Sir Humpy Hippopotamus,
Whose motto was "Endeavour!"


With eighteen months' hard labour.


No more that noble name he hears
Pronounced by friend or neighbour,
For now he's "Number ninety-six,"
With eighteen months' hard labour.
W.























































"COME ALONG, CHILDREN; DINNER IS READY."


~







THREE BOYS AND A DONKEY


Three Poys and a


Donkey


He munched the dainty shoots.


n DONKEY, fat, and young, and gay,
.-4. That knew not whip or rein,
Fed day by day on tender grass,
Beside the banks of Seine;
A happy beast, who roved at will,
His trials all before him still.

One day, as in a hollow green
He munched the dainty shoots,







VERY FUNNY STORIES


I., ... .-,; ,- I

Two boys in wooden shoes, and one in squeaking boots.


There came two boys in wooden shoes,
And one in squeaking boots,-
All scrambling up a neighboring mound,
Whence they could view the country round.


And first, the wee Napoldon
In triumph gained the height;
Then after him the tall Philippe
At length appeared in sight;
And just behind did softly steal
A third, which was the stout Basile,







THREE BOYS -AND A DONKEY


i--;! ,,.f1^

Upon the donkey's back they climbed.


They quickly spied the donkey out;
Philippe, delighted, cried:
"Come on, come on, here waits our steed,
And we must take a ride!"
Down to the hollow then he stepped,
And after him the others crept.

And soon upon the donkey's back
They climbed without mishap,--
Philippe before, Basile behind,.
Betwixt them little Nap;
And all the time the donkey stood,
And showed no temper-bad or good.








VERY FUNNY STORIES


But when they sought to ride away,
And did their wishes state,
Their steed would pay no heed to them
But paused to meditate.
Until, of patience all bereft,
They beat the donkey right and left.


Their steed would pay no heed.


Then, with a wild and sudden start,
The suffering beast went on,
And flew so fast, that hats, and wits,
And breath alike were gone;
With quickening speed it fled amain
For miles across the level plain,


~
II ~-
~111
\ c ~~~J/"-
Ir?
II-~ : i


o







THREE BOYS AND A' DONKEY


For miles across the level plain.


At length it reached the journey's end,-
A pond all slime and weeds,
And, plunging wildly, threw the boys
Among the water reeds;
Then, with a bray that meant "Good-bye,"
It left them in the mud to lie.

Three sadder mortals did arise
From that unpleasant bed;
Three wiser boys went limping home,
It scarcely need be said.
"We have done wrong, I know and feel,
And I repent!" said stout Basile.







VERY FUNNY STORIES


Plunging wildly, threw the boys
Among the water reeds.


"Remorseful feelings," said Philippe,
"'Tis true I do not lack;
But what I mostly feel is this,
That on a donkey's back
We'll ride no more, whatever may hap."
" I quite agree," said little Nap.








THE ELEPHANT'S JOURNEY



'he Elephant's Journey


He ran at the top of his speed.



.NE morn, while the grass was still dewy,
An elephant started from home;
To the Lakes for some ten days of boating,
It was his intention to roam.



To the station, though burdened with luggage,
He ran at the top of his speed;
For he thought, "Should the train go without me,
'Twould be a misfortune indeed!"


.e


~--1
=--~---~-~--
S;-
-~-~-~-~--~--~I~
---L
--
r







VERY FUNNY STORIES


Arrived in good time on the platform,
To step in the carriage he tried,
But the door was a little too narrow,
And he was a good deal too wide!


"It would be so easy," he murmured,
"To enter the northern express,
If the doors were but made a size larger,
And elephants just a size less!"


The porters tried pushing and pulling.







THE ELEPHANT'S JOURNEY


The porters tried pushing and pulling,
'Mid jeers from unkind passers-by,
But they stopped very soon, sad and weary,
And one of them said, with a sigh-

"There's only one means I can think of,
For getting you in at the door,
And that is by simple division,-
Just cutting you up into four /

"The process perhaps might be painful;
Besides, you would then have to buy
A ticket for each of the quarters,"-
"Absurd !" cried the elephant, "why?"

"I know not," the porter made answer,
"For that is no business of mine;
But you'll see in the guide to our railway,
'Tis bye-law one hundred-and-nine."

But the elephant-feeling unwilling
His small store of savings to spend
In paying four fares for one journey-
Remarked to the porter, "Good friend!

'Your plan, though so clever, is useless,
So put that idea aside;
If you'll hoist me with proper machinery,
High up on the roof I will ride!"






62 VERY FUNNY STORIES

They hoisted -him quickly and gently;
The train rushed away with a roar.
"This is pleasant!" the elephant murmured;
"Why haven't I tried it before?


"Though it is a tight squeeze in the tunnels,
I'm whole, and I've paid but one fare;
And then, after all, it is certain
There's nothing like sun and fresh air!"
G.






THE DOLL IN THE DESERT


Zhe poll in the )esert

N E summer eve, a lion bold
Sat down to rest and dine,
Ere yet the darksome shades of night
Replaced the sun, which, round and bright,
Still did its best to shine.


He dined off dishes, chosen all
His curious taste to suit;
Don't ask me what those dishes were-
His menu-card would scarcely bear
Inspection too minute.


Suffice it that he dined and drank,
And then, arising, said:
"My energies I must exert
To find some dainty for dessert,
Before I go to bed."


So, to a wild and rocky vale
He cautiously did pass,
But there was nothing to enchant,
Except a single cactus plant,
And several blades of grass.






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Yet stay! What wondrous sight is this ?
Behold a pretty maid,
With big blue eyes and golden locks,
Who leans against the frowning rocks,
Nor seems at all afraid!

O dainty sweetmeat for dessert,
'Tis happiness too much!











What wondrous sight is this ?

A greedy grin plays round his jaws,
A quiver seems to thrill his claws,
As if they longed to clutch.

"Her eyes are open-yet" (he says)
"Her slumbers must be deep;
And oh! what fun to see her fright,
To make her pretty cheeks turn white,
When she awakes from sleep!"






THE DOLL IN THE DESERT


Then, drawing back a pace or two,
With eyes still fixed on hers,
He springs, with movements strong and fleet,
Beside his victim's very feet-
Yet not a limb she stirs!

She must indeed be ignorant,"
He grumbles, with a sneer;











He springs

"For if she loved the things called books,
She now might know me by my looks,
And show some proper fear.

"Some ,practical zoology
I'll teach you, yes, I will!
I'm fond of eating little girls"-
A breeze of evening lifts her curls,
But every limb is still.






VERY FUNNY STORIES


"She might show some proper fear."


And while the lion stands to gaze,
There fades from off his face
The greedy grin it bore erewhile,
And very soon a doubtful smile
Appears, to take its place.


Uncanny must that creature be,







THE DOLL IN THE DESERT


There's something in her fixed regard
That thrills him through and through;
Though living in the Torrid Zone,
It seems to chill him to the bone-
He knows not what to do.

The hair uprises on his head,
With terror gleam his eyes;












He turns .and flies.
Uncanny must that creature be,
Who calmly looks on such as he!
And so aloud he cries:

"It ill befits my dignity
For luxuries to long,
And, in the evening, to partake
Of dainties, is a great mistake,
For those who would be strong!






VERY FUNNY STORIES


"I almost think I'll go away,
Though she's so plump and fair;
Perhaps it makes her rather shy
To have a lion standing by-
Besides, it's rude to stare."


He gently turns, and slinks away,
With drooping tail and mane,
Then faster flies, with all his strength,
And takes no rest, until at length
He reaches home again.


Long, long he thinks, and wonders how
Such calmness she preserved;
But does not guess, for all his pains,
That china dolls, who have no brains,
Can scarcely be unnerved!







A LITTLE SURPRISE


L little Surprise

E AST night brother Freddy was sitting up late,
SWriting away at a terrible rate;

Books all around him, crammed full of knowledge,
Which boys must learn who are going to
college,

And long strings of figures that dance in your
head,
And keep you awake after getting to bed.

Well, right up till midnight he patiently worked-
Not one of those difficult lessons he shirked-

And feeling quite sure that no meddler would
find them,
He piled up the books with the candle behind
them,

And, spotless and neat, twenty pages of paper
Lay finished and dry when he blew out the
taper.

Then, groping his way to the- library door,
Not making a sound on the carpeted floor,







VERY FUNNY STORIES


He locked it, and quietly crept up the stairs-
Not noticing Kitty slipped in unawares.

And here is depicted the little surprise
That greeted next morning his horror-struck eyes.
G.











\ Country gamble

GOOSE and a donkey went walking
together,
And talked in an affable way of the weather,
"How stormy last week!" "How unsettled
to-day!"
"Would it rain or be fine ?" "Well, one hardly
could say."

Such compliments, then, were exchanged by the
pair,
As few would have thought of, while taking the air;







CATCHING THE CAT


The donkey brought out his most elegant bow,
While the goose would have blushed, if she had
but known how.

And then they went on to lament and complain
That the way people spoke of them gave them
much pain;
And the dame, as she wiped her bright eyes with
her wing,
Sighed that "donkey and goose mean about the
same thing."
Thus, pleased with each other, they rambled along,
And the donkey obliged his dear friend with a
song;
And each of them sighed as they murmured adieu,
"I never met anyone equal to you.
S.


Catching the Cat
] OW, Mr. Green had swarms of mice,
And Mr. Brown had none;
So Mr. Brown, who kept two cats,
Agreed to lend him one.

"A beauty, sir, and black as ink;
She'll quickly clear your house,
And in a week you'll boast to me
You've not a single mouse! "







VERY FUNNY STORIES


All very well; but when he sent
To fetch Miss Puss away,
Miss Puss declared that where she was
She much preferred to stay;


. She much preferred to stay.


In vain did Joe persuade, entreat,
And do his best to coax;
That wary little pussy cat
Was .sure 'twas all a hoax.


~Ss~s~-







CATCHING THE CAT


"An invitation? Very nice.
Oh yes, I understand;
But then I don't much like the thing
You're holding in your hand.


"There may be mice at Mr. Green's,
There may be rats as well;
But then, suppose-I say, suppose-
You want my skin to sell!"


At this, Joe made a sudden grab,
And chased her up and down,
Whi.-h all the more decided her
To stay with Mr. Brown.


"Ha, ha!" cried Puss, safe up a tree,
"No wish have I to roam;
For kittens, cats, and children, too,
The safest place is Home!"






VERY FUNNY STORIES


The Trader and the Canqibals


ATHANIEL JONES, on business bound,
Finds himself wrecked on hostile ground.

His ship has sunk, his comrades gone,
He reached the shore, alas! alone.

Long time he stands beside the bay,
A melancholy castaway.

Absorbed in grief, he does not hear
The islanders who gather near.

They creep behind him, and at last
Pounce on their prey and hold him fast.







THE TRADER AND THE CANNIBALS 75


To feed a savage tribe he goes;
The cook peculiar pleasure shows.


...7P


A happy thought-" One moment, please!
Some samples of my trade are these."






VERY FUNNY STORIES


"As earrings you may like to use them."
The savage grins-he won't refuse them.


"Depart in peace," he blandly says.
Jones not a moment longer stays.






THE TRADER AND THE CANNIBALS 77


Thus left, the dusky potentate
Began to dance, with joy elate.
The quiet ticking pleased his ear:
Such pretty sounds he loved to hear.

But suddenly he gave a jump
Of fear-his heart went thump, thump, thump-
For, all at once and both alike,
The shrill-voiced clocks began to strike!

Then horror overcame the chief,
He trembled like an aspen leaf.
"I am bewitched! he cried, and ran;
" Why did I spare that trader man ? "






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Z:Ornmy's


Dreadful Dream


'OMMY was sleeping like a top,
When, to his great amazement,
An angry duck, with knife and fork,
Came tapping at the casement.
"Be off, be off, you savage bird,
Or else I'll call my mother!"
The duck replied in hollow tones,
"Why did you eat our brother?


r~11~It
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TOMMY'S DREADFUL DREAM


" Revenge is sweet, and you must die,
No time is this for reasoning;
The oven's ready to a turn,
The cook has made the seasoning.

"They're busy now with Harry Ford,
He's to be cooked for dinner;
And then we'll roast young Jacky Smith,
Who feels a wee bit thinner."












"Oh, let me live," cried Tom, aghast,
"At least till I am fatter."
"As long as you're not old and tough,"
Said they, "it does not matter!"

"I'll never eat roast duck again,"
The culprit sighed, repenting;
The cook he seized and trussed him well,
Without the least relenting.






VERY FUNNY STORIES


He laid him neatly in a pan
With tiny dabs of dripping;
The little ducks looked on, and. then
For joy they fell to skipping.

The oven door was opened wide,
When Tommy, loudly screaming,
Gave a great jump, and found, hurrah!
He had been only dreaming!
S.


kn alarming patient












N Ant-eater .once had a beautiful present,
A new umbrella with ribs complete.
"Such a gift," he said, "makes a downpour
pleasant,
A rainy day will be quite a treat!"







AN ALARMING PATIENT


So, after this, you will hardly wonder
That out he went in the very next rain,
Which was also accompanied by lightning and
thunder,
And wild winds blowing a hurricane.


Alas! poor beast, with his
He wished himself home


turned umbrella,
again, safe and warm;


The whole of his sorrows I cannot tell. "Ah!
Why," cried he, "did I face the storm?"

That night, as he gazed at a bowl of gruel,
While mustard and water washed round his
toes,
He exclaimed, "My pangs are indeed most
cruel!
I'll have a doctor to cure my woes."
6







VERY FUNNY STORIES


And so, at an early hour next morning,
Doctor Gibbon, the monkey, came.
"Good sir," said he, "let this be a warning;
Such heedless actions are much to blame!


"Still, you have merely a touch of fever,
No occasion to make a stir;
But, lest I should happen to prove a deceiver,
Permit me to look at your tongue, dear sir!"-


Out popped the tongue of the sick Ant-eater,
And off the monkey flew in a fright!
No startled bird was ever fleeter
Than Doctor Gibbon in taking flight.






THE ACROBATS


"No wonder it is that the beast is ailing!"
He gasped, as soon as he dared to pause;
"No wonder at all that his health is failing,
While serpents wander around his jaws!"




The Acrobats

I" IS tiresome dwelling on this plain,
G( With nothing to be seen
But stupid sand and stupid trees,
All yellow and all green;
And here and there a babbling spring
That isn't even clean!"







VERY FUNNY STORIES


While thus a sulky lion once
Lamented his dull lot,
A cheerful hippopotamus
Exclaimed, "Nay, grumble not!
For, since the weather is so clear,
The sun so bright and hot,












"I've planned, this very afternoon,
That we shall have a treat,
In watching two skilled acrobats
Perform a daring feat;
So please attend my party, sir,
For many friends you'll meet!"


That afternoon, the eager beasts
Sat by a water-hole,
On either side of which arose
A gaily-tinted pole,







THE ACROBATS


A tight-rope was between them fixed-
Two storks surveyed the whole.

At length one stork politely asked,
Have you a barrow, pray?"
"'Tis here," the genial host replied,
"There need be no delay;
It is the monkey's very own,
He stole it yesterday!"







VERY FUNNY STORIES


Behold them, then, upon the rope,
'Tis neither strong nor wide!
One stork the barrow has to wheel,
The other stork must ride.
But ah! 'tis vain, they cannot hope
To reach the other side!

That slender rope is far too weak,
It breaks for all their care,
And shrieks and cries in every key
Are floating through the air,
As every beast lifts up its voice
In accents of despair.

But lo! what awful sight is this?
The beasts all change their tone,-
The thieving storks are flying off,
The monkey gives a groan,
No more will he that barrow see
Which was zis very own."






THE LASSO TRICK


The Lasso crick


With simple lasso neatly thrown.


WO schoolboys, Jean and bold Pierre,
Who ran and romped without a care,
'Mid wondering words, and curious looks,
Displayed a sudden taste for books!

Fond parents beamed, and schoolmates jeered,
But calm, unheeding, they appeared;
And, leaving comrades rough and rude,
They read their books in solitude.

Enchanting tales they read with zest,
And learned how cowboys of the West,













88 VERY FUNNY STORIES


Alas! the man had caught the rope.


Around its neck the stranger laid that wily noose,


'1:9

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,
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`-~ "T~






THE LASSO TRICK


With simple lasso, neatly thrown,
Make many a roving beast their own.
Cried little Jean, "And. why not we?"
"Why not?" exclaimed Pierre, with glee.
"We'll make a lasso firm and strong,
To catch the first that comes along!"
The deed was done, and quickly they
Behind a fence in hiding lay;















And very soon they did espy
An unsuspecting passer-by.
He saw them not, he was alone,
So swiftly was the lasso thrown;
Said Jean, "We've caught a man, I hope!
Alas! the man had caught the rope!






VERY FUNNY STORIES


Close by, a dog, on dinner bent,
Was gnawing bones with sweet content,
And round its neck the stranger laid
That wily noose Pierre had made!


They equaled before that fierce Bow-wow.
They quailed before that fierce Bow-'moSe}.


The boys, in happy innocence,
Pulled in their victim to the fence,
And wondered why, though stout and tall,
He made resistance faint and small.

Nearer and nearer still he came;
Cried Jean, "This is a glorious game!"
When lo! a sudden awful sound
Made both the boys turn quickly round.







THE LASSO TRICK


Pierre the bold grew pale with fear,
And Jean looked ill at ease and queer;
For where were pride and courage now?-
They quailed before that fierce "Bow-wow!"

Pierre rushed off with might and main,
Jean strove to hold the rope in vain;

-_T r ~ i
^g^ *^ il^


r-7-'


-ci-a at r
It caused its captors to repent!


And ere that dog's whole strength was spent,
It caused its captors to repent!

With grimy hands, and garments torn,
They meekly bore their schoolmates' scorn;
And- vowed, with many tears, that they
No more that charming game would play!
W.


*-1 ;11?1






VERY FUNNY STORIES


The Lion who went a-fishing

LION once a-fishing went
(An ardent sportsman he!),
"Some good fat fish," he
smiling said,
My evening meal shall be."

I'm getting tired of cattle flesh,
Giraffes are growing rare;
"To stimulate my appetite,
I need a change of fare."

He reached the river, launched his boat-
His punt, I should have said-
And, trusting to no slender line,
He used a rope instead.






THE LION WHO WENT A-FISHING 93

A crocodile espied the
bait,
/ And deftly seized the
cord;
He tugged-the fisher-
man capsized,
And splash! fell over-
board.

Down through the gloomy water-depths
The king of beasts was drawn,







94 VERY FUNNY STORIES
As unresistingly as once
He dragged some dappled fawn.

His breath gave out, his strength was gone,
And in a little while
The lion lay a lifeless. corpse
Before the crocodile.

Now, neathh the wave, encased in glass,
To grace an Exhibition,
That sportsman sits; and visitors
Pay sixpence for admission.







OUR NEIGHBOUR, THE BLACK CAT 95

Our )Neighbour, the Plack Cat









%-- ---



To watch the moon, so bright and round.

SIT and think of bygone days,
When six cats played together,
Enjoying life in many ways,
All through the summer weather.

Over the garden walls we ranged,
Or through the area railings
(But now, alas! the world seems changed,
For even cats have failings!).

To watch the moon, so bright and round,
One night we all assembled,
When suddenly there rose a sound,
At which the bravest trembled.







VERY FUNNY STORIES


It was the barking of a cur,
Aroused from his first slumber!
We hardly dared to breathe or stir,
Till one among our number-

The great black cat that lives next door-
Said, I, for one, won't bear it;


Next time we met him on the wall.


No dog e'er troubled us before,
'Tis cruel, I declare it!

"But (listen, friends, to what I say),
Without one mew of warning,
I'll drive the savage beast away,
First thing to-morrow morning!"






OUR NEIGHBOUR, THE BLACK CAT 97

And so, when daylight came at length,
We hastened (grievous error!)
To see how Tommy's claws and strength
Had driven out our terror.


Alas! our hopes soon found an end;
There lay the foe, just dozing,
Arid at his side was our false friend,
With blandest smile reposing.


Next time we met him on the wall,
With howls the wretch was greeted;
We stormed and wept, but each and all
With calm disdain he treated.


He listened like a senseless log
(The Tom we once thought clever),
And when he said he loved that dog,
We cast him off for ever
W.






VERY FUNNY STORIES


The Giant and the Jwarf


HEN the Lord of Kilmankrauser dined
In his high baronial hall,
Behind his chair stood Hans the Short,
And likewise Hans the Tall.


They were, as you may see yourself,
An ill-assorted pair;
For one was much too long and thin,
The other much too square.




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