IVA ;-c 174,4, Tl,le --
THE REAL ADVENTURES
[P. 158. --i -
,tic Meal ATibntu
BY F. C. BURNAND,
AUTHOR OF THE NEW HISTORY OF SANDFORD AND MERTON,"
HAPPY THOUGHTS," ETC., ETC.
With Fifty-six Illustrations by
LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD.,
8, 9, io, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C.
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS,
TO ALL FOR WHOM
HAS CHARMS GREATER THAN
THIS RECORD OF A SHORT BUT NOT UNEVENTFUL CAREER
BY THEIR OBEDIENT SERVANT,
THE REAL ROBINSON.
SETTING FORTH THE "WHY" AND THE "WHEREFORE,"
ALSO THE "HOW" AND THE "WHEN," WHICH IT IS
HOPED THE READER MAY CONSIDER AS BEING OF
AN EMINENTLY SATISFACTORY CHARACTER
THE ROBINSON RECORD-HIS PARENTS-DE MORTUIS
NIL NISI BONU. .
MAKING A NAME .
A CRISIS FOR CRUSOE .
A NEW DEPARTURE 51
ON BOARD 62
THE CAPTAIN'S WILL .66
THE REAL CRUISE 0 71
SARA GOSSA . 8
A BUSINESS DINNER 86
ON SAIL OR RETURN? 98
I SAIL WITH THE GALE
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE ISLAND.
MORE TRUTH .
ISLAND DIARY CONTINUED
AN AWFUL TIME
LEVEE OF BLACK MAIL .
"AM I NOT A MAN AND A BROTHER?"
ROBINSON, ATKINS, & CO. .
A HAPPY RETURN
TREASURE RE-TROVE .
WINDING UP AND STOPPING
A Blank Page
A very Peculiar Man
" TA-RA-RA BOOM TO-DAY
Adjusting the Balance
Billy in Disgrace.
Making a Name
Robinson forges a Cheque
Afflicted with Toothache
Speaker set free .
A tearful object
The other Robinson
New White Gloves .
.To face 19
xii is't of Ihlustrationu.
Making the Captain's Will . .. 70
A Spanish belle .. 71
Jolly Jack Robinson. .. 80
A whispered confidence 81
"Two to one" To tace 85
Taking in Supplies 86
Acting on Impulse. . 92
The Collaborator-in-chief 94
"Heaven defend the right .96
"Will Atkins" ...... 98
Alone on Board 105
Scanning the Horizon . . 107
I was knocked about". 114
"On a gigantic rock" .. .115
"That repose which only innocence unconscious knows." Toface -25
The Fight for the Chicken . 126
"A CAT-AND-DOG LIFE" .131
Tent making 135
I took aim at the bird .. .141
"Where are we now ?" .. .143
Was I on the track of a Blackfoot Indian ? ..148
Arrowing Situation To face 150
" Spare my life," I cried 15
The Neck Step To face 154
"Oh, blow it !" .. 156
"I won small sums 165
" I tumbled back on the straw . 170
iList of IlIustrations. xiii
By the Sad Sea Wave, or an Indian Notion
" After Dark .
"Arrayed in the best suit "
"I waited and waited" .
" Over a pipe and a glass .
On an old sea-chest .
Nina and I .
. To face 170
fbe ieal a tibentures
SETTING FORTH THE WHY" AND THE "WHEREFORE,"
ALSO THE "How" AND THE WHEN," WHICH IT IS
HOPED THE READER MAY CONSIDER AS BEING OF AN
EMINENTLY SATISFACTORY CHARACTER.
E live in the era of the Great
Confidence Trick as illustrated
by Reminiscences, Recollections,
Confessions, Revelations from old
Manuscripts, Rummaging in old State Papers,
examinations of original documents, startling dis-
coveries and still more astonishing disclosures.
Now from the blackest characters, blackened or
whitened by partisan prejudice, the overlaying
coats of colour are gradually being scraped away,
2 Cte 3eal 9bbentures
and some persons who, as it was popularly sup-
posed, ought to have been hung instead of their
portraits, are found to possess beautiful benign
countenances, quite in keeping with the spotless
record of their lives recently unearthed in the
Dryasdust Department of the Pigeonhole Office.
On the other hand, many whom in our early
childhood we had been taught to admire as heroes,
to reverence as teachers, and to love as models
for our imitation, are now shown to us either as
fabulous personages, the creations of Myths, or
if they existed, the undeniable and undisputable
evidence of their lives proves them to have been
deserving the censure of all right-thinking persons
and the execration of ages yet unborn.
How these celebrities contrived to hoodwink their
contemporaries is, to a certain extent, a puzzle, but
it is not too much to say that the hypothesis of the
Cryptogram will account for the otherwise inexplic-
able silence which was purchased at the time by
those arch impostors, to whom, one ray of light
on the miserable secret of their lives meant utter,
hopeless and instant ruin.
of Robinson tru!soe. 3
It is not astonishing, then, that the time should
have arrived when the world, towards the close
of this wonderfully inquisitive and in every sense
remarkably curious nineteenth century, should
discover that it had not yet heard the last word
about Robinson Crus.e. Only in the interests of
Truth would I venture to publish the extraor-
dinary papers placed in my hands by the eminent
firm whose names are appended to the first
document, to which I now beg to draw attention
by including it in these prefatial remarks.
The following extracts from the private diaries
of "John Robbingson Crewso," originally thus
spelt, speak for themselves. The date is 1720.
We beg your closest attention to them :-
"Airil I. Book published to-day. Received with immense
approval. Sale going on. My share will be big. Wish I
could get rid of my Inkybus.
"April 8. First rate. Book precisely suits the highly re-
spectable and commercial public. Capital! Always thought
this style of autobiography would achieve success. It has.
Why was I not alone in this ? What tyranny !
4 Cbe 3eal Zitbbteture;
"May. Netted 300ooo clear. The book was an inspiration.
Yet not happy. Inkybus.
"July. Simply a fortune is this book. Invested, bought
property. Money is not happiness: wealth is, though. Now
what is the next idea? To buy off my Inkybus? What will
he take ? When money's a drug in the market.' I wish he'd
take THAT-and remove himself."
The allusions to the Inkybus, and to his evidently
having been writing under compulsion, are mys-
terious. I will not anticipate the solution, which
will be found in the confessions of the True Robin-
son. What his next idea was, will be gathered
from further extracted entries in a diary dated the
following year 1721.
"Aug. The Respectable Robinson must not be overdone. Is
he played out? Why should I not tell people the truth ? The
truth is not to be told at all times, but when it is, it should be a
startler. Suf1jose I protest against the other Robinson ? How
about two Robinsons in the field? I see a glimmer.
Or--Should it not be given to the public as a frank and open
confession of follies? I am getting on in years, and folks who
have been so interested in the Ideal Robinson would be anxious
to know everything about the Real Robinson. But would such a
work come well from the writer by whom they had already been
of Kobfin on Crusot. 5
so delightfully deceived? Yes : but not at first. I will tell
ihem that the Respectable Robinson is a fraud. I will publish
the true story of my life. Then I will admit that I wrote the
Respectable one as well. And will inform them frankly that
I was not my own master at the time, but the slave of an
nkybus. The Inkybus is no more. He is gone : never to
return: at least, I hope not. Thus I shall obtain a double
success. Let me pen the sort of address to the public which
is bound to attract their attention."
ADDRESS [OR CIRCULAR].
"Since my return, and while living in the strictest seclusion,
it has come to my knowledge that a book of autobiographical
memoirs purporting to be the Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
has been published, and has met with unexampled success.
I have sent for the book, and hope while I am reading it
to obtain an interim injunction-so I think the lawyers term
the method of procedure-against the publishers. My own
book, compiled from memory, assisted by various diaries, has
been ready for some time past. I was merely keeping it back
for the sake of giving it those finishing touches which every
work of literature, or art, requires, ere it can be fairly placed
before the public. The publication of this other work, which
must be that of literally 'Some Adventurer,' forces my hand,
and, to quote ancient Will, 'with all its imperfections on its
head,' 1 must send forth my own little volume at once. For
this purpose I have invited subscriptions, and the list so far
looks uncommonly well. When the amount at present promised
is realized as cash payment, I shall immediately place my book
in the hands of some straightforward publisher, and it will be
issued in parts according to the total subscriptions, which must
be paid one quarter in advance."
6 i)t ral 9brntures
"December. Arranging book-The Truth about Robbingson.
My own publisher. Subscriptions and orders coming in. Sale
of original work taken a fresh start. Shall defer the Real
Robinson. How astonished they'll be to learn (in about a year
or two,) that I wrote both, although the first was not written
with a free hand! /"
"That this plan," I am now quoting from the
solicitors' communication to me, "was never fully
carried out is now almost certain. There is no
record of any such work in the British Museum, nor
in the Public Library of Hull. Had the book been
published, it would doubtless have attracted con-
siderable attention on account of the unparalleled
success of the original Robinson. It would have
been followed by a pamphlet confessing that one per-
son had written both accounts. Among the papers
of' John Robbingson Crewso' (so originally spelt)
are,-an old subscription list of names, against
several of which is marked paid,'- numerous
orders for the forthcoming work, with letters
mentioning the amount sent as pre-payment,-a
number of unreceipted tradesmen's bills, a printer's
account (unpaid) for proofs and revises of Chapter
of llobinsion rutt. ot. 7
First of the Reminiscences of J. R. C.,' which is clear
evidence of the author's intention to publish the
remainder of the MS. since fortunately discovered
by a member of our firm. For ourselves, being
perfectly unprejudiced, we are of opinion that these
Reminiscences reveal the character of The Real
Robinson, and that the other work hitherto ac-
cepted as the only veracious account of Robinson
Crusoe's Adventures, was written by its author
partly voluntarily, partly, and latterly, on com-
pulsion (which the strange narrative will be found
to fully explain), in order to suit the highly sensitive
respectability of the society with which, as a
nameless wanderer returning to his native country,
he was desirous of associating. This first book,
' Life and Adventures of Robinson Crusoe,' opened
society's doors to him. He made money by it,
and on becoming free and independent, he was
about to own frankly that he had not always been
the irreproachable being as depicted by himself in
the previous successful book, when he was removed
from this transitory life, and his papers came into
the hands of the then existing representatives
8 ibt 3tal bbuentureS
of our Firm. The packet was brought by a remark-
able youth attired in a curious sort of livery. His
hat was glossy with a silver band round it, the
brim being very much turned up at the sides. He
wore a collar open in front with a fall fastened by
a horse-shoe pin. This he informed us was for
luck.' On the breast of the outer garment, which
we have every reason to believe was a frock-coat,
appeared three rows of enormous buttons made
of some metal closely resembling silver. After
delivering the packet he thrust his hands into his
capacious pockets and remained there steadily
regarding our office-boy, who, becoming alarmed,
summoned us to his assistance. But the messenger
was impervious. He replied curtly, civilly, and
satisfactorily to such questions as we put to him,
only making one observation at the close of our
examination-in-chief to the effect that Though he
was not on his oath, yet he couldn't tell a lie if he
were to try and was in a general way always gay
and hearty.' After delivering himself of this
sentiment, or song-and-sentiment combined, he
turned on his heel, looking once over his shoulder
of 3obtiisoin Crusoe. 9
to inform us that his surname was Walker, and
that his christian prefix was also a surname very
nearly resembling the name of the ever-venerated
'Judicious Hooker.' Indeed the moment for his
departure was well chosen, as the Head of our Firm
arriving at the instant intimated his intention of
sending for a constable. This however is a
digression suggested by the fact of our junior
clerk, who had a pretty knack with his pencil,
having taken a life-like portrait of the messenger
as he first appeared on the doorstep of our office.
That these papers should have been sent to us in
this manner remains in our six-and-eightpenny
opinion ever a mystery. Why was the page blank,
and why almost silent? Why did he say as, after
our interrogatories, he handed in the last portion
of the MS., 'A page and leaves' and then
immediately disappeared? Who sent him? Who
sent him with this MS. ? The desire to part with
the papers betrayed itself.
"Does not this anxiety to relinquish a position
held under false pretences raise Robinson still
* See page 12.
Io EC)e aRtal 1bbtntures
higher in the opinion of honest men ? Any
subscriptions towards a 'Crusoe Memorial' we
shall be happy to receive. We have by us a
small and valuable collection of 'Crusoeian
Relics,' for which we are open to any reasonable
offer. As for the manuscript, we have guaranteed
its genuineness and have disposed of it to an
eminent publishing house, who have intrusted the
task of editing to a literary gentleman who is
above suspicion. Our task is done.
We have the honour of signing ourselves
WALKER BOGUS BROTHERS & CO.,
Solicitor,, Tiamon b 4tcrchatits, antb tintral gcnts,
CRUSOE BUILDINGS, I, LITTLE QUEER STREET,
Premising only that, after carefully perusing the
above document, and, according to instructions,
having edited, revised, and arranged "The Remini-
scences of John Robinson Crusoe," I have no
hesitation in expressing my own conviction that we
have here before us The Very Robinson, I place the
entire collection in the hands of a generous public,
of jobintion CLrussoe*
which, in the hope of spreading the truth, or of
exposing an impudent forgery, or with both objects
combined, will order, I sincerely trust, thousands
of copies of this valuable publication, and will
send it, regardless of expense, to every spot in the
habitable globe where the name of Robinson
Crusoe is known.
The Recorder of Robinson, Ed.
A Blank Page.
[See fage 8.
THE ROBINSON RECORD.--HIS PARENTS.-DE
MORTUIS NIL NISI BONUM.
Y DEAR father was a
very peculiar man.
SHe had been twice
married. I was the
elder of two boys
whom he called his
sons, as I believe
we were, though
I have never had
more than his word
for the statement.
SMy father, al-
A very Peculiar Man. though generally
regarded as of a serious tui-n, had a strong sense of
humour himself, but he lacked appreciation of the
same quality in others; and though I say it who
14 jte 3aI Rtbbentures
should not, I question very much whether he was
to be implicitly relied upon in every case. Of my
mother I can say nothing, as I lost her when I was
quite a baby. Of my "second mother," as I used to
call Billy's, my younger brother's or half-brother's
mamma, I cannot say much. She disappeared,
and my third mother I lost also at an early
age. My father accused me of carelessness.
But I was not to blame, as when I lost her it was
through his fault, not mine, as I shall forthwith
proceed to show. The simple narrative is as
One day we, that is, my step-mother and I, were
out together picnicking,-Billy being confined te
barracks, that is the nursery,-when a strange tall
man in a sort of uniform, whose face I shall never
forget, came up to her and whispered something in
her ear. She bade me take no notice, and told me
I could go on eating the gooseberry pie with as
much sugar and cream as I chose, and might then
fill myself a bumper of some currant wine, which
I did with a gusto that left little to be desired
and none to be obtained. As my father somewhat
of 1 oiin on t ror. 15
finely used to say, that's a currant that will play
old gooseberry with some of them." I smiled: in
my earliest days I always smiled at my father's wit.
The recollection of the occasions when I failed to
smile is still painful. But I had an honest attach-
ment to the currant wine, which never did me any
harm, however it might have treated others who
made its acquaintance for the first time late in life.
After finishing the remains of everything, I fancy
I must have fallen asleep, as I remember nothing
until I found myself seated on the step of my
father's door, wrapped in a piece of sail-cloth
labelled "Little John Robinson, junior, No. i,
Queen Street, Hull-this side up with care," and a
watchman with a lantern (as was the custom in those
nights) standing by me, who said he had already
knocked at the door. That he stated the truth was
soon proved by the appearance of my father, who
was so rejoiced at seeing me again that he could
scarcely contain his joy, but must needs hug the
watchman, and so bang and cuff him in the
ecstasy of his great delight as to render him
perfectly senseless and unable to use his rattle, of
16 Cbr Rteal Rbbenturro
which, however, my father had taken the precaution
to deprive him at the earliest stage of their friendly
encounter. As for me, I ran up stairs and beheld
the scene from the first-floor window; and thinking,
mere child that I was, that my father might take
some harm from the warmth of his zeal which
seemed to have reached fever heat, with great
presence of mind I seized the cold-water jug and
emptied its contents right on to his bald head.
This served its purpose, and my father, who was
ordinarily a pious man, though without any preten-
sions to be a saint, used such awful language as he
rushed up the staircase to my little room that, as
I informed him through the keyhole, "he was not
fit to be admitted into the society of gentlemen,"-
indeed, he was only attired in his dressing-gown,
slippers, and night-cap,-" and that therefore, with
great reluctance, I should continue to keep my door
shut, or should spring the watchman's rattle "-
which, childlike, I had carried upstairs with me, in-
tending to use it as a plaything, and so accidentally
had a command of the situation; "which," I con-
tinued, "would alarm the neighbours, and I should
of Robtnton QCrutoe. 17
be forced to give evidence against him before the
magistrates, when he would not only be imprisoned
for assault, but also fined five shillings for every
oathhehad used; and as by my own reckoning hehad
uttered exactly one hundred of these awful expres-
sions, his knowledge of arithmetic would enable
him to arrive at the sum for which he would be
mulcted." I also reminded him that, though a
mere infant, I knew the nature of an oath,"
and could swear to the nature of every one he
had used while pummelling the watchman. His
interview through the keyhole at first created a
certain coolness between us, yet, I may say, I felt it
less than did my worthy sire, who was only in the
costume I have already described, with nothing
warm about his legs, while I lay in my own little
bed with my blankets round me, from which coign
of vantage I delivered the greater portion of my
harangue. Billy, my half-brother, was shivering
in his cot, not knowing what to make of it; but
the threat of a boot at his head caused him to retire
under the bedclothes, and be no more heard or
seen till the following morning.
18 I)t 3eaIl abbentures
After this incident, my father and I became the
warmest friends, and as the watchman's story was
not believed by anybody, my father being one of
the most respectable persons-and there were a
great many such-in Hull, and as the watchman's
rattle, which we had burnt as fire-wood, could
not be found anywhere, and as, further, I
denied all knowledge of the circumstances (what
son so bad as not to stretch a point for his
father?) the unfortunate watchman was degraded,
his badge indorsed, and himself transferred to a
county gaol, where, in the distractions of night and
day duty, he would soon forget the episode in his
chequered career which had ended so sadly for
him, and so fortunately for me, as I was now
taken into my father's confidence; and, I may add,
there was scarcely anything he did of which I was
long in ignorance. Yet I was sorry for the loss of
my second step-mother, the third Mrs. Robinson.
She had been very kind to me, and often would I
rush at my father with a broomstick or coal-shovel
when he was more demonstrative than usual in
his display of passionate attachment towards her,
"Ta-ra-ra Boom to-day."-O/d Song.
of 3Aobinwon Ctrto e.
and stand between him and the object of his
Poor dear third mother! I am not surprised
that she disappeared with the tall military-looking
stranger and never wrote, sent for her things, or
re-appeared in the old house of Hull.
Hec olima meminisse fjvabit," which quotation
in the original tongue shows that my education
has not been neglected.
20 Cb1e Real Rbbtnturto
HAVE already men-
tioned the existence
\ of a% younger half-
loaf" may be better
than no bread," but
half-a-brother is worse
than no brother at all.
His name was "Little
Billy." He was a
stupid and expensive
boy. It was in consequence
of his stupidity that he was
always being sent to fresh
S T schools and regularly "de-
clined with thanks" after
Little Billy. the second half. My father
of Robainen Crt10or.
used to style him School-Billy," and often have I
heard him complain of the enormous amounts my
brother's education cost him. However, as Billy
invariably returned to us with horrible tales of
starvation, poor feeding, insufficient care, and
cruelty generally,-charges which he brought
against all his teachers, from the head-master to
the last usher,-and as my father, who was not a
man to be trifled with, at once threatened criminal
proceedings against each school in turn, I am now
of opinion that Billy was not quite so expensive a
boy as my father would have made him out to be;
and I know as a fact that on two occasions, the
school authorities compromised the threatened
action by giving a receipt in full for the year's
account, and in addition fitting out my brother with
an entirely new suit of clothes of the best material
and cut in latest fashion.
Suit against suit," quoth my father, cheerfully,
"quite neat and appropriate."
After this episode half-brother Billy became my
father's favourite, and, as was natural, fell in my
estimation. I saw through his wiles. He had
22 e"e teal abbl ntures
only to pretend to be bullied at school to insure
being petted at home. I set myself to adjust the
balance, and so far succeeded, that during one short
vacation, my half-brother declared, that in future
he would rather remain permanently at school.
Adjusting the Balance.
of Robinsson rusot. 23
MAKING A NAME.
Y half- brother com-
plained to my father
of my conduct to-
wards him, but, un-
fortunately for little
Billy, our parent
knew too much of
the true nature of
the "atrocities," of
which Billy was
at school, to give
bily in Disgrace. entire credence to
his charges when brought against me (who was
now once more in favour with my father) at home.
Besides this, Billy was always prying and sneaking
24 ~1)t ~eal 1bbetnturre
about, so that in many cases when my father failed
to punish him, I, as the elder brother, efficiently re-
presented the paternal action. At last I was weary
of Billy, and either he or I would have to quit.
I regret to say that, when my father had lost five
sovereigns, they were found in my brother's secret
Next day Billy was sent abroad. Who took him
there I forget; where he went I was not informed.
He left without a word of regret, without admitting
his guilt, but, on the contrary, protesting his
innocence. He quitted the house without bidding
me good-bye. This, however, was pardonable, as I
was absent at the moment of his departure, and
perhaps, had I been present, the separation might
have been painful to one, or both, of us. On my
desk I found a letter in Billy's handwriting to this
effect:-- ack, you thief and liar, you have blackened
my character, look out. When I grow up big and
strong I'll give you the soundest thrashing you ever
had in your life. Hoping that you will have had many
a sound one before that time arrives, I leave you."
of Robint on Cr;toe. 25
Here followed a somewhat indifferent drawing of a
clenched fist and nose, with the inscription which
I copy from memory. This inartistic and
spiteful effort was signed simply "Billy." In my
diary at that time I find this entry: Billy gone !
shall we ever meet again ? Not if I know i."
SHow Fate dealt with us both, time and this book
will show.* We might have. got on very well to-
gether if he had only exhibited more good-fellow-
ship towards me. I know he frequently excited
suspicions of me in the minds of those who would
otherwise have trusted me with considerable sums.
I had defied him to bring his innuendos to the proof.
The moment came when I, much against 'my will,
was the means of proving to him, to my father and
to all our little world that-but I have already told
the story of the five sovereigns. Had they been
found in my box-but they were not. He was a
revengeful, morbid, sneaking, back-biting cur was
my half-brother. He had short black curly locks,
The slight allusion to my brother contained in that work of fiction
which I shall call THE FALSE ROBINSON, is purposely misleading.
Waiy it was so will be shown in the course of this trustworthy and
veracious narrative offacts.-f. R. C.
26 Eb lital RIibentures
and I think Mrs. Robinson number two was a
quadroon or something of that sort. Which fact
would account for a good deal that subsequently
occurred. For the present enough. I shall pass on
to other matters.
I have never been able to ascertain exactly what
class of industry originally brought my father to
Hull. His answer to my questions on this subject
was invariably in the form of advice to "mind my
own business," and my retort as invariably was,
"Your business is mine; and indeed, in spite of
his unlimited confidence in me, it was not until I
had discovered-I always had a turn for exploring
-several. engraving plates, tools, patterns of
bank notes and impressions of our Gracious
Sovereign's head and tail, as seen on the current
coin of the realm [with the appearance of which,
however, I was not too familiar-though I have
often had in the course of my subsequent career to
bewail and account for its disappearance] I say it
was not until I had discovered these 'graving tools
and other implements, that I was able to go to my
father with more thanfilial boldness, and advance my
of Aobtiutgon Criusor. 27
claim on his affection for a small share in the profits,
while abstaining from any offer of participating
actively in the work.
Indeed, I was not made for toil of any descrip-
tion, and preferred to pass my days in idleness,
roaming about Hull, going down to the pier, watch-
ing the boats, making ducks and drakes on the water,
tossing coins with the youth of my own age,-but
not of my own intelligence,-for luncheons, dinners,
and drinks, in which hazards fortune kindly supple-
mented whatever was lacking in my skill, and I could
count on a very decent income to be derived from
most games.wherein the aforesaid element of skill
reduced the uncertainties of chance to a minimum,
-such for example as the diversions of billiards,
bagatelle, and a few of the superior games of cards ;
so that, had the occasion arisen, I should have been
no charge on my industrious father; nor, if my
parent, in the mysterious designs of Providence, had
been withdrawn from me, should I have wanted for a
meal, or indeed for as many meals as might have
satisfied my naturally good appetite in the course
of the day. I was young, I was idle. I admit
2-8 Le Rtral O bbentureS
it.* Now that the ungrateful and malicious .Bill
had departed, I was the only son. My father said,
" He did not like to see me lounging about with my
hands in my pockets." The retort was obvious, but
I am glad to remember now that I did not make it,
and to this reticence on my part I attribute his
assuming towards me in the course of the year a
more confidential attitude than had hitherto been
I regret to say that I affected many fopperies
about this time. I was but a lad of seventeen, but
both in manner and dress I was far in advance of
my years, for I needs must be attired in the latest
fashion, come home at the latest hours, and indulge
in sleep when my father was already up and at work.
I soon became "the cock of the walk," as the
phrase is, and perhaps my bearing towards my
equals and superiors, was not all that would have
approved itself to. true modesty; yet it is no great
laudation of myself to say that Nature had done
for me what. she .had, left undone in.others, .so that
I was physically. and intellectually a couple of
In The False Pobinson this is also admitted.-ED.
of *Robinwon Artuwor.
inches taller and several degrees stronger than
most of my companions.
Having visited London at my father's wish,
whence I returned without his express permission,
-having a great desire to see him on a matter
of some importance,-I was able, as the billiard
markers had it in the slang of the time, "to put
on side," and to comport myself greatly to the
admiration of both sexes, young and old, in our
"The cock crows so!" would the wise elders
exclaim, and so it came about that (as I have been
informed, not being myself evidence of the fact) the
gossips, old and young, # would inquire of one
another, "Did he crow so yesterday?" "Ay,"
would be the answer, "he crew so! . you
How nick-names grow, and become fixed, cling-
ing to the sturdy oak-and I was sturdy, though a
sapling, with alas very little "sap," in the school-
boy sense of the term-about me. Crew so stuck
Being of a.sluggish disposition [I never lose my
0o Ije I CaI tl bbentutare
temper except when a sense of injury rouses my
indignation, and then, Heaven forgive me I am a
very lion on the war-path] I used to spend some
of my leisure leaning against a garden-seat that
adorned the exterior of The Three Plucky Ptgeons-o
a well-known hostelrie whose bar and billiard-room
I frequently patronised, to the great content of
mine host, a very worthy man,-- and having a
pretty wit for poetry and music I sang:
Yes, I am Robinson Crew-so,
And I can use a good cue so.
Here I illustrated my meaning dramatically, whereat
they were immensely tickled:
Come to the table,
And if you are able,
Conquer young Robinson Crew-so!
The challenge was accepted. I lost my first two
games, but as luck would have it, when I had
boldly backed myself for a heavy sum and a dinner
at the hostelrie, to be moistened with a few bottles
of my excellent host's best Oporto, fortune changed,
and I just contrived to win by five,-a near thing,
of otabinson Qru oe. 31
of which my companions after dinner tried to
take a mean advantage. Their schemes came to
nothing, however, and before midnight I was
enabled to return home far richer than all my com-
panions put together. I call this the "Memorable
Robinson Crew-so Evening,"-and so did they.
Perhaps they do so to this day.*
From this time forth I added Crusoe (thus spelt)
to my name to distinguish me from my father
There is the stamp of truth in the account of the otherwise appa-
rently odd surname.-ED.
Making a Name.
32 bet ~Eal bibentturet
TILL I was not com-
/ pletely happy, nor
t at mature age, and
where there is no-
K thing to be gained
by avowal, or con'-
cealment, of the
Honest truth, am I
able to affirm that
I have ever known
the man who was
Robinson depressed. though I have come
across some poor simple creatures who, without one
halfpenny to rattle against another in their pockets
to be spent on their own pleasures, and working for a
wife and family entirely dependent on their exertions,
of Robiinison rttoet. 33
have affirmed that they were entirely contented with
theirlot. Their "lot!"-their "little" I should have
said. But I always put them down as poor-spirited
humbugs, nay, hypocrites, with whom I have no-
thing in common, and wouldn't have even if I could.
Yet, all things considered, I was about as happy
as any other young fellow of my own weight, size,
.age, and skill. I may fairly say that I never cost my
dear father one single penny more than he could
afford to give me, and of what that amount was,
who could be so good a judge as I ? Not that with-
out a murmur he used to hand me over a certain sum
every quarter-day,-- was always noted for my strict
punctuality in matters of business,- nor do I
hesitate to admit that he did not present me with
such other trifling amounts as my necessities
demanded from time to time, without a protest
which was, as I often pointed out to my father, quite
unworthy of him.
He had recently started a Joint Stock Bank-
Robinson, Bogus & Co.-and his signature of" Jack
Robinson to a cheque or a bill was as good as
cash without discount.
34 Ebt Aeal a Lbbentures
About this time I believe my father sent a con-
siderable amount of money abroad. I never in-
quired into the matter, as I fancied it was for my
brother's schooling. To this day I am not sure of
the fact. I saw what I thought were foreign notes,
but it only struck me. as odd that they should be
sent abroad from here. Perhaps I was wrong.
They might have been given in exchange. It was
not my business, I am glad to say. The only
evidence I had of my half-brother's existence was
a notice which arrived by post from the Brazils
intimating that "William Robinson of Hull, son of
John," intended to adopt the same surname as that
of his half-brother, and would henceforth be known
as "William Robinson Crusoe." How he had
obtained the information I didn't care to inquire,
and indeed at the time I was inclined to consider
the message as a hoax. I did not communicate the
news to my father, not considering it of sufficient
My father wrote a bold though a clerkly hand,
and many a time, to save him trouble, for about this
period he was dreadfully overworked, I used to draw
otf aobinsn ctrusoe.
and sign a considerable number of cheques, chiefly
small ones, on behalf of the firm; for as "Mr.
Bogus" and "Co." were non-resident,-and, indeed,
to speak truly, I had never seen these parties in my
life,-I felt justified, always with the object of sparing
my father as much labour as a dutiful son is bound
to do, in signing for the absent partners as well
as for my revered parent. What came of this
consideration on my part will be seen in the next
Robinson forces a Cheque.
36 Cibe J'to al 2IbMbnture!5
A CRISIS FOR CRUSOE.
NE afternoon, a memorable
one in my career, I was
afflicted with a severe
toothache. I am blessed,
I may say, with a power
of endurance beyond
1 most other men, and
rather than waste one
E of Nature's gifts which.
can never be satisfac-
\\ torily replaced, I would
suffer agonies, and
indeed should have done
so, but for the assistance
Afflicted with Toothache. of a friendly chemist, who.
let me have a large bottle of stuff with a very strong
and peculiar smell, one drop of which at once allevi-
ated pain, and the quantum of one pint taken off at a.
of Robiutnon Crtzot. 37
draught would, I presume, remove it so entirely that
the sufferer would never more be troubled. Charged
with this bottle, (as in another sense I was, seeing
that my friend put it to my account, though I have
since been informed that he has no sort of claim
upon me, the sale of this stuff being undoubtedly
illegal,-hut this, I admit, made no difference to me
at the time, as legally or illegally dealing, all my
tradesmen received equal measure from me)-and
being temporarily relieved from pain, I went to the
office before the hour of closing. Never liking to
obtrude where I am not required, I had contrived
a small secret entrance by which I could gain
access at any time to the partners' private room.
On entering the apartment quietly, I was somewhat
surprised to find my father engaged apparently
in finishing some minute instructions to the junior
clerk, in whose hand I noticed more than one five-
pound Bank of England note, a circumstance that
struck me as odd, seeing that nearly all our deal-
Sings were through the medium of paper issued. by
the County Banks. Struck by this incident, I
offered to withdraw, but my father assured me there
was no necessity for my so doing, and bestowing a
kindly nod on the youthful clerk-Simon was his
name-which the latter did not appear to me to
receive in the best possible spirit, though at the
same time, just as he was passing out of the door
into the counting-house, I could not help observing
a movement of his right eye which had all the
marked character of a confidential wink.
Simon closed the door after him, and my father
locked it on the inside, and then procuring a pass-
book and ledger motioned me to be seated, and
commenced to address me in the most earnest and
affectionate manner possible.
"John," he said, "our name stands high in the
world of commerce. Our name is an excellent one."
"Excellent," I replied, remembering how fre-
quently I had written it, and not precisely foresee-
ing the turn the conversation was about to take.
"When a Firm, like a man, is popular, it will be
familiarly known by some sort of nick-name," he
I acquiesced. He had evidently heard of" Rob-
38 Cbe Rrar Rbb~ntures,
of IRobinon rutoe, 3
"You may have come across the name by which,
as the youthful Simon has recently informed me, we
are familiarly known in the commercial world ?" he
I hesitated. I had heard a whisper of it, but I
fancy they had been afraid to utter it plump out-
right in my presence.
Putting Bogus & Co. aside, who, as the merry
wags say, are the partners that should most fittingly
represent the firm, the same small wits style us not
Robinson but Robbing-father,' and Robbing-son.'"
And here he paused.
I jumped up indignantly.
Can we lie under such an imputation ? I ex-
That is precisely the best course to take," re-
turned my father, "for the wind will be tempered
to the shorn lamb."
"Who is the shorn lamb ? I asked respectfully.
"I cannot particularise," returned my father;
there are so many of them."
But," I ventured to observe, "you said the wind
would be tempered-"
"Yes," my father calmly interposed," when raised.
The wind must first be raised, then tempered."
I admitted the justice of the remark, and was
"John," continued my father, "the calamities
of mankind afflict the highest and the lowest.
Through luxury and extravagance, the monarch on
his throne may be suffering agonies of indigestion
during a long Court ceremony; or to take a less
dignified illustration, the tramp during his night's
sojourn at the workhouse may have to complain of
indifferent skillyy.' The great middle class is alone
the safe one, intended by Providence to bear the
greatest burdens themselves, and to exist for the
benefit of the highest and the lowest."
Quousque tandem ? I said to him with playful
affection, being anxious to show that he had not
vainly expended money on my classical education.
"What were you pleased to observe, John ?" he
inquired in his wise and grave manner.
"Sir," I replied, somewhat abashed, "I expressed
in ancient Latin the old question, 'What are you
driving at ?' "
40 Ebt Ataf bboxtrte;te
of Aobiiwoit Cruwoo.
In a tandem ?" he asked, with a touch of inde-
finable irony. I was not aware that the Romans
drove their horses in that fashion. But enough of
pleasantry. There are the highest and the lowest in
intelligence and in capacity for business, as well as
in stations of life. The middle intelligence may be
as easily the sport of the latter as the prey of the
former, but it will be the fault of the highest
capacity if it does not make use of what the great
middle-class, which is the backbone and sinew of
all commerce, provides for it."*
I acquiesced, and cheerfully observed that Robin-
son, Bogus & Co. ought to be doing an uncommonly
fine business, judging from the unexceptionable
character of their paper, and the great respect and
esteem in which they were held by all men of
business, not only in our own town but throughout
the commercial world.
My father heard me to the'end, and then, in a
voice wherein I fancy I detected the notes of deep
emotion,-I was never very slow at detecting any-
The sketch here given of the elder Robinson's style is so far in
accordance with the allusions to him in THE FALSE ROBINSON as to
prove a common original. -ED.
42 Vbe Itnal abbtuturrs
thing deep,-thus resumed his discourse: My
dear John," he said, producing several cheques,
which at first I did not recognize, but soon guessed
whose drawing they were, "you are a born artist."
I bowed. But as, in the interests of truth, a father
should never flatter his son, I am bound to tell you
that you are not a genius. Genius is original. Now
in all your designs," and this word he used with
marked emphasis, "I remark no touch of original
genius, nor in your numerous drawings do I see
anything but the merest copies of" here he
hesitated, then resumed, of, I will say, an old
master. With the best intentions in the world, my
dear John,-and you I am sure would be the last to
disavow them-I must inform you that you will not
benefit the firm of Robinson, Bogus & Co. by per-
severance in this course, and as you have hitherto
constituted yourself 'Bogus & Co.,' I shall now
proceed to dissolve partnership. I have taken
the precaution of settling everything on my
Married again! I exclaimed in utter astonish-
of Robiteowit QvCrit e
"And settled," he replied. "Yesterday, at the
Church of St. Simon Without. Had you, my boy,
been in the habit of attending that place of worship
every Sunday, you would have heard the banns duly
published. Mrs. Robinson has a snug jointure of
her own, and we are going to live at some distance
from our native land, which I recommend you also
to' quit within the next four-and-twenty hours, as,
after that time, our shutters will be up. The old
house"-here my father was visibly affected-" will
be to let furnished '-with a man in possession
within it; and you, my dearest boy," and he
grasped my hand warmly, you have to make your
choice. On the one hand, a copyist's career sud-
denly terminated by incarceration; on the other,
wherever it may be, as the poet says, 'fresh fields
and pastures new'-a perfect description of a spot
most propitious to the exercise of your talents,
where there is plenty of verdure about, and where
a young fellow like yourself can be up and doing."
Here a noise in the outer office attracting his atten-
tion, he broke off suddenly in his discourse, motioned
m3 to silence, and stepping stealthily to the wall he
44 Ore t Sear l bbenturte
showed me a small hole bored in it, through which
aperture he could command whatever was going on
in the outer office, at the same time indicating to
me a similar one to which, as I understood from
him, I was at once to apply my eye. This is what I
saw, and what I presume my dear father did too.
Two men, one with a red waistcoat, from which
sign of authority I gathered that he was either a
beadle or a Bow Street Runner, and the other in a
shabby suit, stood before the counter engaged in
conversation with our youngest and, temporarily,
our only clerk, the others having obtained leave of
absence for the eve of St. Swithin's Day (a festival
that my excellent father always made a point of
religiously observing-over his table being in-
scribed St. Swithin's admirable maxim about
"providing for a rainy day ")-and evidently much
puzzled by the youth's answers.
"No he ain't in now, an' he ain't likely to be,"
says Simon, who had the simplest way with him,
as he's gone to Mr. Bogus's housee by coach, and
won't be back till to-morrow morning an' as I'm
the only clerk left 'ere, and I think you're up to no
of Robinson Ctrttoe. 45
good, I'll just let out Speaker, who'll give you a bit
of his mind, before I call a constable." With
which he jumps down from his perch, and before
they could say Jack Robinson!" which name was
indeed on their lips, the faithful fellow looses a
bull-dog hitherto kept for precaution's sake in
these troublous times, in a basket under the
counter, and Speaker, for such was the animal's
name, "spying strangers in the house,"-which I
have since learned is a parliamentary expression,-
without more ado made for the nearest pair of
calves, and would have forced their owner to pay
for his rash intrusion, had not the greencoated red-
vested man fled precipitately. Honest Simon
called the dog back, barred the door, and my father
on coming out from the private room was com-
mencing with tears of joyful pride, and a flow of
eloquence I have rarely heard surpassed,-he was
a master of these two streams, which he could turn
on at pleasure, so that at any moment he was
able to secure a flood of tears and a flow of elo-
quence, nay, even to pour out a torrent of invective,
-I say, he was about to employ these mighty
46 C, be 3i~aI 2bbtnturtei
forces in order to express his high commendation
of the lad's praiseworthy conduct, when Simon,
standing at some little distance from us (my father
being within a few paces of the door-mat, and my-
self just within the doorway,) and still holding
Speaker by a stout chain, cut short my father's pero-
ration, somewhat rudely, with the brief exclamation,
"0 stow that gammon "
As a scholar, I have since read of the surprise of
Epaminondas at finding the mouse in his helmet;
of the startled look of Leonidas the bravest of the
brave, on observing the suddenly rebellious attitude
of Kokasnukos ; I have pictured to myself the wrath
of Poluphoisboio on being answered by his hitherto
gentle partner Molasses; the indignation ex-
pressed on the face of Socrates when the drachma
was returned to him as being of doubtful value;
but, putting all these and many other historical and
classical instances together, and combining their
forces, they could not approach in sublimity to the
expression of suppressed painful emotion that
passed across my father's features at this inexcus-
able rudeness on the part of his frotge', Simon.
of Robintton Crusor. 47
My father drew from his breast-pocket a hand-
kerchief, exclaiming, as he raised it to his eyes,
"The viper that I have cherished in my bosom."
"I daresay it is," said Simon, it looks as if it
wouldn't be the wuss for a wash. What do I mean ?"
he asked in reply to my father. Why I mean that
'ere wiper as you're a moppin' yer heyes with and
as you was a talking about chirruping in your
My father intimated gently that he would speak
with him in private.
"No, sir," replies Simon, in a decided tone,
"wot you've got to say will be said in the presence
o' Speaker, which he knows me as feeds him, and
don't know you. So you just 'and over coin afore
the 'ole biz'ness busts up, or blessed if I don't fetch
the constables. I've been a doop long enough.
Ah would jer ? "
This last adjuration was addressed either to my
father or Speaker who was nobly struggling to be
"'Doop,' as you call it, or not," observed my
father cheerfully, here is five pounds for you," and
48 fte leal tibbenturef
he held out a crisp looking "flimsy," such being, as
I believe, the technical term in his trade. "I think,"
he added playfully, "you'll soon change your note."
And where should I be if I did ?" asked the lad
with a hideously cunning leer. No, no ; you go
and change your own notes for yourself, and give
me the ready-rhino."
"How much ?" asked my father, who was a
thoroughly business-like man.
Two suv'rins down," says Simon, and I tie up
My father readily produced the two gold pieces,
and stretching across to the counter, placed them
there, the dog dancing and jumping as if he were
straining the last link of his chain, which Simon
shortened with one hand, in order to allow of his
reaching over to the counter, whence he took the
sovereigns and put them in his pocket.
Now," says Simon, I shall tie up Speaker and
bolt. You can fasten the door after me, if you can
get past Speaker, and no one's a bit likely to try to,
get in as long as he's there. And the last piece of
advice as I gives to both of you two, Robbing
of Aobfitnoon Crumt+
father and. Robbing-son Crusoe, is just this .
'Step it' !"
With which he made for the front door, the dog
getting to the length of his chain, in a vain attempt
at following his youthful friend.
But as there is many a slip twixtt cup and lip, so
are there just as many on a rough floor over a door-
mat. And here was an instance in point. Down
went Simon, sprawling. Speaker ran up to him,
thrust his nozzle under his ear, and exhibited
signs of the utmost distress. The poor boy but
now so gay and festive, lay stunned in a swoon,
having fallen against the iron threshold. My
father was just commencing a discourse on the
vanity of the best intentions, when, fearful lest the
dog should do the lad any injury, I slipped dexter-
ously behind the counter, and drew the dog's chain
sharply through the iron ring in the floor to which
it was fastened. Speaker resisted, but my strength
was too much for him, and in spite of his strug-
gles, for it never occurred to the obstinate brute to
run at me, I close-hauled him, as the sailors say,
up to the ring, and fastened the other end of the
chain to the bars of the grate.
50 Ebe Ital l bbentures
It now occurred to me that the strong smelling
stuff which I had procured an hour or so ago as a
remedy for toothache, might restore the unconscious
youth, and sprinkling a few drops on my handker-
chief, I applied it to his nostrils without, however,
its having any other apparent effect than that of
rendering his trance the sounder. It became impossi-
ble to wake him. Turning to ask my father's advice,
I could not see him anywhere, and then it broke
upon me that for the last few minutes, while my
hands had been full, his must have been full also,
as the only cash-drawer in Ite place was open and not
a single sixpence was visible. My excellent parent
was nowhere to be seen!
of 31obin~on (&ritor, 51
A NEW DEPARTURE.
NSTEAD of delivering
Myself up to useless
grief at my father's dis-
appearance, I removed
the chain from the grate,
kept it tightly in my
Sand until I reached
S the door of our private
room, when I-.let it run
out, for I detest cruelty
Sto animals. Speaker
was free to welcome his
prostrate companion on
his showing any signs
of returning animation,
Speaker set free. or to fly at any in-
truder who, 1 was sure, would not venture to
52 CEbt Aeal 2[bbnitures
enter the premises on the chance of encounter-
ing so formidable a guardian. Gathering toge-
ther several parcels of new clothes and haber-
dashery, a valise ready packed with somebody
else's name on it (it was that of my young friend
Adolphus Jones who had confided it to my care
during our last visit to London together) and
some small savings which had been intrusted to
me by friends for investment,-and I have always
tried to prefer my friends' interest to my own,-I
opened the secret door and passed out into the street
unperceived by a single soul. My luggage was
somewhat of a burden to me, for it must be
borne in mind that I had passed my days in com-
parative luxury, and though a stalwart young
fellow enough among others of inferior size and
weight, I had never been compelled to perform any
such menial office as that on which I was now
engaged for my own benefit. It grieved me that I
should not have a few parting words with my father,
but after all, as we had had plenty of words together
already, and parting or meeting would not add
much to their force, this was mere sentiment, but,
of AoIoinewit Crtuwor
sentiment, I admit, has always been the weak side
of my character; and so, walking down to the quay
at early dawn, I was fortunate enough to find a
Levantine brig on the point of departure.
At that very moment the captain, with whom I
had some weeks before, as it chanced, contracted
amicable relations,-I playfully styling him the
"Captain of my acquaintance-ship,"-was taking a
loving farewell of, as I conceived her to be, his wife, a
remarkably pretty and attractive young woman
whom, as I was sorry to learn, he was compelled by
the rules of his particular service to leave behind him
at Hull every time he departed on a cruise which
might be, as the poet has beautifully expressed it,
"for years, or it might be for ever,"-a rather
lengthy period for a young woman to be left quite
alone. Whether she would have been left quite alone
was a question I might have stopped to consider had
not my immediate business with the Captain been
to propose myself as a passenger for the Levantine
Islands, a beautiful climate as I had been informed;
whereupon the Captain, thoroughly overcome by
his feelings, which found their expression in sobs,
54 Ebt eatl 2Ibbenturet
sighs, vows, protestations of fidelity, and violent
huggings and squeezings, protested that he was
only too glad to take a friend with him to cheer
him on the voyage, and so saying he ran down
the companion-ladder to bid the purser prepare a
cabin for me at once.
An excellent man, your Captain!" I exclaimed,
addressing the disconsolate young woman who was
vainly attempting to stem the torrent of her tears.
"Ah me!" she sighed, "what shall I do with-
out him! 0, Sir, when you visit other climes,
watch over him, for my sake!"
"I will," I replied sincerely, for the sight of an
unprotected female always excites my compassion,
especially when she is in distress. "I will, I
swear! for your sake, my sweet angel! and I took
her hand and pressed it respectfully to my lips.
Who would not have done the same in my position?
She felt she could confide in me. A woman's
instinct in these matters is so true. She knew the
instant we met that her interests were, so to speak,
mine, and that as I drew her towards me, treating
her as I might have done a sister,-not my own, for
of iobftion Cturtwari
alas, I never had one, but as some one else's sister,-
and looking down on her trustful upturned eyes, I
was about to assure her that my friendship towards.
her was no mere lip-service, when she drew away
from me somewhat quickly, murmuring as far as
my ear caught the words, "Take care,"...and
"Captain," from which I concluded, on seeing the
skipper returning across the gangway, that she
was only re-iterating her adjuration to me to guard
and keep watch over her husband,-a task I had
already undertaken to perform.
We were standing behind one of the huge stone
pillars on the quay, so that the Captain did not at
once catch sight of us, but in another second, hailing
us heartily, he bade me come aboard at once, as
the bell was ringing and he had to set sail by
4 a.m., or he would be mulcted by his employers
in the sum of some hundreds of pounds. Whether
he was deceiving me or not in this statement
the reader will decide, if it be worth his while,
later on. Only if I were deceived at the out-set,
was I to blame if I retaliated at the finish ?
Anxious that he should not suffer on my account,
56 E.t be eal 2bbenturro
I waited while he gave his wife a hearty smack, and
pushing him gently before me I told him to go first
as being a Captain by rank, I must follow only as a
humble land-lubbery sort of swab, and taking the
opportunity of pressing into the young woman's
hand a short note [which I had had just time to
scribble with a copying pencil, that writes like ink,
on a leaf out of my note-book,] I uttered softly in
her ear a few words of consolation, saying that I
would write privately and give her news of the
Captain if she would furnish me with her address,
which in a timid hesitating way she whispered in
my ear to me by way of response.
The darkness of night was gradually dissolving
itself into a murky daybreak as the good ship
Crazy 7ane set all sail and stood out for her course
due West. It was dark as I entered my cabin and
deposited my modest valise [with the name of
Adolphus Jones on it], which I was taking with me
as a souvenir of the dear friend to whom it belonged,
of whom I should think as often as I cast my eyes
on his silver mounted brushes and other articles of
the toilet, and whom I might never see again on
of Rtobiinson Crut1or. 57
this earth; and when in my comfortable berth I
stretched myself out, attired in a set of dear old
Dolly's pyjamas, which suited me perfectly as
we were of the same height and build, and indeed
of much the same age, I began to meditate on the
strange series of events that had separated parent
from child, husband from wife, half-brother from
half-brother, friend from friend, and had brought
me to this situation, where, lying on my back,
drowsily dreaming, I just opened my eyes to see
through the port-hole the sun breaking forth
majestically from the murky atmosphere, gradually
developing a flaming brilliancy that gave warmth
and light all around, and more than this, Hope!
For I am as most men are, if they will have the
honesty to own it, a trifle superstitious, and I hailed
the appearance of this glorious sun as a thrice
happy omen. Yes! good luck had smiled on me at
starting, for was it not a fortunate chance that
Adolphus Jones had left his well-stored valise with
me while he had gone to call on some friends? and
would he not be delighted to know of what service it
had been to his fond companion Robinson? I now
58 Efe 11taI bentb ture
resumed a custom of mine of keeping an occasional
diary. I lately found some of its pages which have
assisted my memory in compiling these reminis-
cences. Here is the note on this occasion, Polly
Newport, Queer Street, Hull," and a memorandum
of my own letter to her which ran thus :-Dearest,
it is love at first sight. When you are free I will
marry you. Thereto I flight you my troth and
honor. Thine ever, J. ROBINSON CRUSOE."
of Robinson Crusoe. 59
[A parenthesis between Chapters VI. and VII. containing
passing observations on the plan and scope of the work, and
impressing on the casual reader the conviction of its
Y readers will understand
how overcome with an-
guish I must feel when
presenting them with this
narrative, which goes far
to contradict their earliest
S impressions of the extra-
ordinary probity of Robin-
1/' son senior and the way-
7, \ < wardness of his son. Vice,
when exhibited in its
sordid repulsiveness, can
S never so attract the million
as will the fair show of
A tearful object. virtue. But Truth is above
every other consideration, and if by my silence I
60o d)t Aral 2ilbenttt rs
should have assisted in strengthening and confirm-
ing the reputation gained by the writer whom I
may now style "the Other Robinson," I should
never cease to blame my own false and unworthy
reticence. I am now coming to that portion of my
career from which the mists of romance must be
dispelled by the blaze of genuine verity. After
referring to my diaries made at the moment and
on the spot, I had a mind to print the truth and
falsehood in parallel columns, after the fashion
adopted by "the Other Robinson,"* when he
particularly wished to catch serious persons by
self-advertisement of his own remarkable piety.
But now that I am what then I only wished to make
the world believe I was, I feel I may honestly
declare, and without shame, what I realty was.
For there are so many extenuating circumstances
and motives are so mixed that I am sure a dis-
passionate jury of my experienced countrymen and
fellow citizens will bring me in guilty of no greater
It must be borne in mind that THE FALSE ROBINSON was
written as the true Robinson Crtsoe so frequently tells us, under com-
pulsion," so that he would be sufficientlyjustified in alluding to his own
writing as the work of another hand.-ED.
of 3Aobintoo &tru!oo.
crime than that of yielding to temptations which
few could have resisted and of trying to appear
virtuous out of sheer admiration for noble qualities
which I almost despaired of ever possessing. In
writing that work I yielded to the desire of obtain-
ing a good reputation, the social value of which
had been impressed upon me by one whom I might
style the Imperious Dictator. End of Intermezzo.
The Other Robinson.
62 TIbt Ural MUnbcnturcm
AWAKING I began
to consider that I
B was not provided,
S as I could have
wished, for a sea-
voyage, having, in-
deed, only four com-
plete sets of tow,.
clothes, made in the
latest fashion, with
Awakingl and buckles to
match, besides a gold-headed cane,-such as was
the mode among young "Beaux" of that time,-
with my watch, seals, other jewellery, and diamond
snuff-box, for none of which things, I regret to
say, have I to this day seen any tradesman's
ot 3Robiitmon Cruaor.
account. If after this lapse of years they can
prove beyond question the legitimacy of their claims
I shall willingly discharge them. No one living
shall be honestly able to say that Robinson Crusoe
owes him a single penny to which he may be legally
entitled. However, as far as these worthy people
were concerned, if they had to wait some little time
for their money, it would only be as though they
had invested in a speculation which would not
immediately produce such profits as they had been
accustomed to realise; for I have since learnt that
these tailors, shoemakers, haberdashers, and such
like, are in the habit of paying ridiculously small
wages to poor hard-working souls who must take
what they can get or starve, while for these very
goods they charge their customers at the rate ot
eighty per cent, interest, and then, forsooth, make
a merit of deducting five or even ten per cent. for
As I regarded my brand-new things, there was
some consolation in the thought that I, at all
events, was not contributing one farthing towards
this infamous traffic. Still it was a matter of some
regret that I had not ordered a nautical costume with
waterproofs to match, which I should have done
in London if, when visiting the metropolis, I had
had the slightest idea of the necessity that was
about to arise. However, I determined to rectify
the omission on the first opportunity, when we
should put into some port, where there might be a
town with some good tradesmen in it. So thinking,
I tumbled out of my berth, and, thanking my lucky
stars for the tranquillity of the sea, I set myself
straightway to dress, a task that, with the assist-
ance of the steward, or whatever he was,-for I am
ignorant in such matters,-I managed to accomplish
without much difficulty. It is true that twice or
thrice the vessel gave a sort of lurch, which, on one
occasion, threw me on my back into my large
canvas bag, and, on another, sent all poor dear
Adolphus's silver pomatum pots, scent bottles, hair-
brushes, combs, flying about in every direction.
The worst thing that happened was the upset of a
bottle of boot-polish over my best cambric shirts,
which annoyed me so greatly that I did not go to
breakfast at the Captain's table in the sweetest
64 CIO Rital 2 1bbruturro~
possible humour. It is this sort of thing that
unhinges great minds: a stupendous crisis in-
volving utter ruin would not affect a man of genius
so deeply as the splitting of & 'pair of new white
gloves just as he was entering a drawing room, or
the snapping in twain of the same Genius' shoe-tie
while he was fashionably promenading.
New White Gloves.
66 Cbe Rtal %bbentutree,
THE CAPTAIN'S WILL.
IHE captain of The
Crazy lane was a
fairly honest fellow,
ing his capacity for
taking a quantity,
Rather too fond of
the bottle, that is
when there was
anything in it worth
drinking; though I
am bound to say
that for the bottle
itself, as a bottle,
Slhe Skipper. he cared little or
nothing, often flinging one at the head of the
cabin-boy or second-mate, or throwing it out to
of aobfitnon cru6oe; 67
sea in order to amuse himself by taking a pot-shot
at it with a fowling-piece. On these occasions I
might have made a lot of money, as he invariably
backed himself at odds to hit the neck of the
bottle, which he only succeeded in doing once
in fifty times. However, I was satisfied by in-
sisting on his limiting his wagers to crowns
instead of sovereigns, as by this he could enjoy
double the amount of sport for precisely the same
The skipper confided all his family matters
to me,-and that such matters were extensive and
various may be surmised from what I shall have to
say later on, if I am permitted to finish these con-
fessions, in which I begin to recognize the task of
my life,-I say the skipper confided in me, asking
my advice, which I gave him willingly, only re-
gretting that I had not complied with my father's
request to qualify myself as a solicitor, as then I
should have been able to make the usual legitimate
charge of six shillings and eightpence for every
opinion with which, whether in writing or verbally, I
might favour my client. It suddenly occurred to me
that I had seen a licence to practise engrossed on a;
parchment, so I was 'able to draw one upon plain
paper from memory, and to affix to it :a large
official seal,-it was the seal of our Company,
Robinson, Bogus & Co. This I presented to the
captain as my solicitor's, diploma, who thenceforth
treated me with extraordinary respect, seldom
asking me for more than one piece of advice per
diem, for which he paid down ready money. Be it
clearly understood that I do not hold up my conduct
as a model for general imitation. I am simply
"My friend," I said to him one day, "a sailor's.
life is hazardous. You have a wife at home ?"
He nodded, and a silent tear in his eye spoke
Your wife is unprovided for," I continued. So-
are your children."
Again he nodded, and another silent tear wetted
the other eye and spoke more volumes. I presumed
he had children, or why should he be thus affected.
at my mention of them ?
"Let me recommend you," I said, "while you.
,are :;haie and hearty,- to, dispose of your "real
and personal property. In short-if you ask my
." I do,'" he replied, at once handing over six and
eightpence, for which, being always scrupulous in
such matters, I forthwith gave him a receipt.
"Then," I resumed solemnly, "my advice is,
SMake your will while the ship rolls.'"
"Make it three bells," he exclaimed heartily;
"pipe all hands to grog, serve out the pens, ink
and paper, and Will it is "
We descended to the captain's cabin, and having,
as he expressed it, formed a Jorum,' we sat down
to the work; he dictating, I writing.
Now though I took great care in drawing out
this document and interlarding it with "Afore-
saids," "Whereases," "The said So-and-so on the
one part," and so forth, repeating these phrases as
often as possible so as to cover some dozen sheets of
paperfor which he insisted on paying me so muchper
folio, yet the entire document came to no more, as
far as its meaning went, than this, "I leave to Polly
Newfort all my froferty whatever and wherever it may
,:Q 1,~ (new tv It : .t1rUoq;t.
70 Ebt l tal tahbbtnture~
be." I advised him to call her by her maiden name
as well as by her title as his wife, and he willingly
adopted my suggestion. We had pleasant night
of it, and I felt sure I had induced him to do the
Making the Captain's Will.
of Aobfin~on CrusOo. 71
THE REAL CRUISE O.
S ^ E were delayed by
stress of weather
for some days, but at
Length were enabled to
put into a fine port on
/ the south-east coast of
Spain, a country cele-
brated for its chateaux
S (of which I sub-
several), for its ches-
-- nuts, onions, and liquo-
rice, and for its hand-
some women, whose
sh bellecharms our versatile
never tired of toasting, though as I
told him, I thought toasting was somewhat super-
fluous in so warm a climate.
During our voyage I had contrived to ingrati-
ate myself not only with the Captain (who taught
me all I know of-naivigation and much more which
I have forgotten), but also with the first mate and
the sailors down to the very smallest cabin-boy,
any one of whom would have jumped into the
water to serve me, a feat of no ordinary danger
seeing that not a single man-Jack of them could
swim a stroke. This ignorance of a most essential
accomplishment has always struck me as strange
in sea-faring men. But so it is. To those who are
born to be hanged, the hours spent in acquiring the
art of swimming would be so much wasted time.
For my part, I had been taught to swim when I
was six years old, and at seven I could dive to the
bottom of the deepest river in England and fetch
up chalk eggs. Many of my rivals in this exercise
used craftily to conceal the eggs in their hands
or in their belt; but though I was frequently the
means of detecting this disingenuous conduct, I for
my .part. was never once suspected, and without?
a blhushI .,na r !confidenfly: assent' that;;,I never
once carried a chalk ,eggs; iii my; hand or: in my
belt, I mention this merely to shpw, what sort
of man the Real Robinson always. has been,
and not for the sake of reviving an old and uselesss
controversy. My readers must take the good' with
the bad in these confessions, and if I honestly tell
them that I was neither all good nor all bad, I
do expect them to accept me at the valuation
which every virtuous citizen must put on candour
and plain speaking. Enough of. this. As the
French say "assez,"-and I think the word as
pronounced very appropriate to a self-laudatory
Our Captain, Jonathan Brown, was a gay dog, a
gay Lothario as the phrase is. It grieves me to
think of the lovely young creature Polly, to
whom he had bequeathed everything, and whom,
on a plea which had never entirely satisfied my
mind, he had left behind him in England. Yet,
it was difficult for me to refer to this delicate
u-.bject.- And delicate I'm afraid she: was, poor
thing,neeeding: :t]iq tenderest care. The, -CCaptaiin
74 Cbe Aeal 2bbrnturts
might have brought her with him. Why he
did not I understood as we proceeded on our
voyage. I pity a man with the Lotharian tempera-
ment. Was Polly Newport Mrs. Jonathan Brown or
not ? Over our grog and pipes at night the Captain
would sing me amatory ditties while I would
confine myself to those of a jovial complexion,
with which indeed I was better acquainted.
This was a song of which he was mightily fond.
THE CAPTAIN'S SONG.
The life of a sailor is ever jolly,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho !
He loves his dear Nancy, his Lucy, his Polly,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho!
His heart is as large
As a Newcastle barge,
And there's room for full three times a score,
If a dozen go out
He just puts about
And ships a fresh dozen or more,
Yeo ho a fresh dozen or more !
On some very fine .evenings, we would, sit on
the deck, and the sailors after piping all hands to
of Aiabin~on CruIooe
grog, would join in the chorus in a manner which,
for harmony and heartiness, I have never known
equalled by the greatest professional singers.
They were uncommonly fond of this liquor, and the
extra supply which was invariably granted them at
my request gave a joviality to our carouses that
many an Imperial roysterer might have envied.
The following was the remainder of the Captain's
I married a wife in Timbuctoo,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho !
I promised I would be ever true,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho!
Unchanged I shall be
When to you from the sea
I return as I hope I shall do !"
Round the world I ranged
And I was unchanged
On returning to Timbuctoo,
On returning to Timbuctoo.
I married a wife in Halifax,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho!
A sailor has only got to ax,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho !
"You'll think of me still
When you're sailing !" "I will,"
76 Vge reat fBwntufi-r
Says I, anid.-I did -bnall. tcks. ..,
I'll think of her ever,
But bless her,-I'll never
Go back to that Halifax,
Yeo ho back to Halifax.
I married a wife in the South of France,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho !
A sailor should never refuse a chance,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho !
"Be my mate," says she,
And I answers wee "
As you do when you parleyvoo.
She cries, Don't forget
Your little Jeanette."
And I don't,-as is plain to you,
My lads !
Yeo ho ain't it plain to you ?
T would take me from now till the gay dog-watch,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho!
To sing of them all, Dutch, Indian, Scotch,
Yeo ho, my lads, yeo ho !
So shout ha ha!
For the Honest Tar
Whose heart is as big as the sea.
Of girls and of fishes
He hooks what he wishes
And he's true as a Tar ;can be,
.. Brave boys !
Yeo ho true as Tar cantle !i
e :-obinttort cru tof. 7
"Them's my sentiments," said the Captain, toss-
ing off a bumper, while the crew, their glasses being
emptied, observed an ominous silence. Could I
respect such a man? Could I but pity the girl
whose fate and fortune (he confided to me that she
had a pretty good sum' safely invested) were in his
hands ? However, there was no help for it at present.
I foresaw that such conduct as this could not go
unpunished. But was I to be the minister of
vengeance or not? That was the question. The
answer was to be given, and sooner than I
"A song! a song!" cried the crew after they
had been served with additional grog at my re
A ditty cries Captain Jonathan Brown. I
call on our visitor for a ditty."
I says 'ditty' to the Captain," I rejoined
humorously, and when the roar of laughter which
this sally caused had subsided, I gave them the
following bacchanalian song. Words and music
my own composition.
78 Rbt eal Itbbenture
You may boast of fine ladies
In England or Cadiz,
I won't interrupt or pooh-pooh-so--
But the man I will throttle
Who won't pass the bottle,
And so I advise you to do so.
You'll do so at once to young Crusoe,
You will-I am sure you will do so,
So give me what's handy,
The gin, rum, or brandy,
By Jove 'tis all one to young Crusoe !
Chorus. (While they pass the liquor and drink) :
We'll do so at once, my dear Crusoe,
Politely we couldn't refuse, so
We'll pass round the brandy
Or anything handy
And drink to our Robinson Crusoe.
Then I sang the second verse:
You may talk of your treasures,
Your leisures and pleasures,
Of jewels, and brides with a trousseau,
But give me Old Port O,
The genuine sort 0,
Says jovial Robinson Crusoe.
But would I Madeira refuse 0 ?
I am not that kind of recluse 0 !
Than all others quicker
I'll swallow the liquor,
Says jolly young Robinson Crusce
of Aobin~ou Cruzoe.
Chorus as before, until the Captain was under
hatches, and great progress had been made in our
voyage by all the crew being half-seas over. It
was now that I first got rid of the nickname which
had stuck to me on shore, and instead of being any
longer Robbingson Crew-so I re-spelt and adapted
the name, putting it into verse form so as to be
better remembered in case evidence of the fact
should. be required at some future time. It was a
wise man who said Let who will make the laws,
I'll write the songs." And here is the extra verse
which they got by heart and sang with fervour:-
No matter what weather,
We're jolly together
And jolly we've been, though it blew so,
This Cruise-you may bet it;
We'll never forget it-
We called it our Robinson Cruise, 0 !
The very first Robinson Cruise, 0 !
I wish we could get three or two so,
Put this to your lip, mate,
And drink to our ship-mate,
Our jolly Jack Robinson Cruise-O I
It was easy after this to say, that not wishing to
be egotistical, I wo6uld-omit the ",'."from the:tm~aid,
or to'give any other facetious reason. as might'~ui:t
-the company in'which I.nMight chance to finid"myself.
But to return to'myvo0yage, the most memorable
ruiiise o' :Cruoe.
"t C~ ~
J i ~
doll Jack Robinson.
,// // /./
of 3i3obinion tCrtw,.
HEII Captain now
confided to me that
Ships was no trader in
the ordinary sense,
S" in carrying goods
,o from one country to
'another, and dis-
Sposing of them free
of all customary in-
S\ "So," said I, de-
A Whispered Confidence. liberately, "in plain
language, you are a smuggler."
"Just that," he replied, nodding pleasantly,
" and as I've taken a liking to you, I am ready
to offer you a share in such transactions as I am
carrying out for my own benefit as well as for
that of a private company."
82 OCtj Rieal 'Atbenturere
How can I serve you ?" I cautiously inquired.
"You will impersonate a rich English merchant.
You can write a neat hand, several neat hands," he
added slyly, and I own to having blushed at hear-
ing his praises as he continued, and are not a bad
copyist, eh ?"
I answered that I had some slight talent in that
"Good;" he returned, "then at the next port
we put into we will take stores on board to the
amount of several thousand pounds, which you
shall pay for with bills of exchange, signed by
the London firm of Walker, Martin, and Co.
I replied that I perceived his drift, and added
that in my opinion, as exchange was no robbery,"
so bills of exchange must be included in a com-
mercial proverb which was respected in all
countries. And after all the value of the circu-
lating medium is quite arbitrary.
He had other plans, and I entered into them with
all the energy of youth and the eagerness of'
gratitude. For had not the Captain been of service
to me when I could obtain no other aid, and was I.
of jobfuitoon Critotor
to forget this? No. Perish the thought! and
though I own my conscience was not altogether at
ease as to the kind of business in which my friend
was interested, yet was it a part of my duty to
inquire into the honesty of his purpose, or to repay
his trust with an ungenerous suspicion? He had
owned to the name of "Smuggler"! But the name is
not the thing, and there is a vast difference between
an honest smuggler and a dishonest one. Besides,
who was I that I should become prosecutor, judge
and jury, and convict a man on his own unguarded
At the next port-(and here I may say that the
names and dates given in the history of the Other
Robinson are so inaccurate as to be only remotely
founded on fact)-at the next port, the name of
which was Azuvero Sumtymagoa, the Captain re-
quested me to see to everything, while he went
ashore "on" what he called "business." No
sooner did our ship come alongside the quay, than
a dark brunette in Spanish dress playing the casta-
nets stood at one end of the gangway, and, no sooner
our luckless Captain, who had evidently quite for-
84 TJbe AtaI bbtnturre
gotten her existence and had other plans in his
head, set eyes on her, than he staggered as if he
had been shot, and, muttering with an oath, Sara
Gossa here! Confound my geography!" he tried
to descend ths companion unobserved, but, to put
it pleasantly, the female companion was too quick
Enriquez !" she called out, and at the same
time a black-bearded ill-looking ruffian with a
naked stiletto in his girdle whispered something to
her which I could see by his gestures was, Shall
I go for him ? "
She inclined her head, and in another moment
the stiletto gleamed in the air like a flash of vivid
lightning, the man was among us, on deck, and I
was showing him, as politely as possible, for I am not
partial to naked stilettos, into the Captain's cabin.
"Avast! messmate! tip us your fin!" cried
our skipper, addressing the foreign visitor with
forced geniality, all the while looking as pale as
a turnip. Then the two men carried on a conver-
sation in a language which I did not comprehend,
but the purport of which it was not difficult to