SUM OV OUR
"BILL AN' ME."
S PREFACE TO 5ECONDb EITrON.
Thb'manuscript of this IntsrBsting litilB book was found on
the Bo- .ary in New York, ,August 30, 1883,
Ths dBnmand for the first edition of -a half million coDpias
was so grBat the publishers fsBl disposed to rBmunarata tihe
gsBnJur who wrat. it, Wa therefore offBr onB hundred dolTla
in Eoid ltu ith youngstBr who can substantiate his claim to
"I-LL N' M -E.'
SNNYBODY who went to de World's Fair won't forgit it in a hurry.
y I'm one. Bill Bossit he's anuder. Bill an' me went togedder.
Bill's fader he's a porter on-one ov de Pulman tranes wot runs to
S Chicago, an' he got Bill an' me a free pass on'
S de rode. I don't no ware he got it an' I don't
care. -Mebbe de man wasn't looking' wen he
tuk it. But Bill an' me we got on de trane an tuk a .
feedin' bottle wid us full ov rye wiskey. Bill he got p
de fust drink an' i had to go thirsty. Dere was an aw- ,.
ful lot ov fellers wid bottles on de trane, but wun' ~ g'
man in frunt ov us he had a little bottle full ov white^
powder an' he got sum ice water wunce or twice an' put
some ov the stuff in, an' it biled up just like a gin-fizz. /
He sed it kept hed-ake away. Wen we got ter Chicago
Bill an' me had a wash an' made a bee-line fer de Fair
grounds. Sich crowds I never did see. We ast ware de
mostest fun was, an' one ov dem fellers dey calls Colum-
bus's Gards he sez, sez he": "Youse fellers.want ter go to de / /
Midway Plaisance over dere! "Anythink in it?" ast
Bill. "Bet yure sweetlife," sed de Gard, just as natural as if he warn't
a forriner. 'Sumboddy sed he warn't a forriner neether. We went in a
place an' had sum beer fust, an' dere was a feller inside wot had just cum
ack from a sale on de laik, an' he was sikker n' a dog from C-sikness.
His pal had sum ov de stuff wot de feller had on de trane, an' wen
he tuk a dose ov it, the sik chap kinder braced up, an' he larfed an'
wanted to set 'em up for de hole house. We let'him du it. Wel,
de fust place we went in- ter on de Midway was
wot dey call Old Vien- na," an' dey sed it-was
an imitation ov de capital f Jov Ostria in Yurope. It
lukked very well, better, )i in fact, den menny ov
de people wot was lukk'n _,- I at it. Sich crowds! Gee
whizz! De names ov de_ places broke me all up;
an' nearly all ov de at- tenants dey spoke jer-
man, but it was an elly- / gant show, an' sum ov
de prittiest gals I ever l see were goin' in an'
out ov de quante lukkin' bildins. Der crush was
so bad while we was in s dat a yung lady fainted
ded away. Dey sed it S was nervous excitement,
an' as soon as she cum f two, anuder lady wot
was wid her, she!puld out a bottle ov dat same
gin-fizz stuff, an' mixt up a dose for her friend. We tuk notis dat she was
sune awl rite agen after.
To ennyboddy who that that Ireland
was chefely noted fer its pollytishuns an' per-
leecemen, de Irish Villige was a revylashun, /\
an' 'sum people' sed it warn't Irish at awl, I.. I'
cos dere was never enny fitin' goin' on dere. I' I -
But dere. was sum swete-lukkin' colleenss," -
dey cawld 'em, making' the i
butifullest lace an' linen you
ever did see. An' den dere
was de Blarney Stone,
wot fellers kiss wen -- A
"^ _"X= dey want ter __
) lie suksessful-
ly to dere best
Sgals. I kissed it. So did Bill. It was de
coldest kiss I ever had, an' I woodnt giv
2 sents a duzzen fer' em. Neether wud
SBill. Wun ov de gals wot was making' de
"I y lace had de newralagy thet bad she didn't
S no ware she was, an' I saw her tek sum ov
that gin-fizz powder, an' git well quiker
\ n'er a wink.
E "Strete ov Kiro," which dey spell C-A-I-R-O, but I don't
S no wy, was a dandy spot an' no diskownt. It is de boss
sity ov Egypt, an' was stud on de banks ov de Nile before
Sdey fetched it here fer fokes ter luk at. Egypshuns
.. don't hussle like Yankees dew, an thare idees ain't
l l quite so noo. Neether is thare wimin so fresh as ours,
Sbut dey hav niser
/ use more ov it den
laidies in dis kun- ,Q
1 try. But sumhow, r, 01
bote de Egypshun
-- men an' wimin in .'
de strete ov Kiro
hed court. on ter
Yankey ways wen
we was dere. Dey
were just as subject to hed-akes as
Amerikans, only more so, an' dey all
seamed to hav de same kind ov a
kure-dat little blew bottle ov white
Bill Bossit, he's half-jerman, an' de oder half ov him is lo dutch. Wen
we got ter de Jerman Villige he saw so menny pritty frauleins he didih't
want ter cum away. He sed it was just like home to him, but he never was
nearer Jermany den Noo York, only he has a kuzen jerman, an' once had
sum holland winder shades at his lojins. The Jerman Villige is a picteresk
middle ov a Tootonik hamlet. We got so tootonik ourselves dat we had
to, take a tonik too. It was Lager. Bill he got fuller' a
gote, an' was reel sik to his stummik. He sed he had an
inserreksshun in his inside, an' a feller wid a long pipe gev
him a dose ov the fizzin' stuff / yI out ov his own blew bottle.
He sed it wood settle his stum- a L mik. Wel, it did settle Bill's
stummik so quick we wisht it wud settle our uther bills like-
wise. De nawsea left him, an' he sed all he
wanted was a gud blow in de open are. I sed,
"Awl rite, cum outside an' I'll ', punch yernoz,"
but Bill he sed thatwarn't de -. kinder blow he
ment. A little kid wid a hairy /- cap told us to
git a ride on de F'erris wheel, jI im an' I that it
wud be de best chantz Bill an' me'd ever hav
ov gittin' neer even, so we --pade fifty sents
a peace an sot in de car. Gee whizzz! De minit
we started movin' Bill an' me was sorry we
hadn't staid on de erth. Bill sed wen we was
at de top, dat he cud see de hole ov de United
S Staits,.but I gess he lied. We both got as dizzy
'7- j as spinnin' tops, an' I felt as if thare was a
three-ring sirkus in myhed. I kep my ise open
/ d as long's I dared, but we we got nere de top, an'
X-< ,1 ]Ti .f it seemed like ridin' threw nowhere on nothing ,
I jest shet my ise tite, an' brethed hard. It
Swarn't long afore de big wheel got round to de
erth agen an' we got out, but I staggered like a
-_a- bote-horse, an' jest wanted ter lay down sum-
S ware an' let my hed git levil agen. Jest den,
up cums a gud samariten an' he sez to me, sez he, "Feel bad?" sez
he. Yew bet," sez I, I don't no wether I'm standing' on my hed or on
my heels." "Wate till I mix yew a dose," sez he. So he gits a tumbler
ov water'n a tea spoon, an' pulls out ov his poket a little blew bottle.
Out cums de effervessin' powder. "Grate Scot!" sez I, "that stuff 's
awl over de world, it seams "So it orter be," sez he. Wel, sir, I tuk
de glass in my hand, an' he put in a heapin' spoonful ov de stuff an' it
sizzled away in grate shape. "Drink it orf !" sez he, an' I downed it wid
my ise klosed, same's if 'twar fizzik. Den I likt my lips an' didn't under
everybody used der stuff. It was nice tastin', but I soon felt its gud
effeks on my hed. It kleered de kobwebs away in a few minits an' I felt
as spry as ever. But fergoi to ask de man wot de stuff was.
Anoder day we went inter de Turkish Quarter ter see de sites. Bill
an' me had ter larf at de Turks. Dere de lasiest cusses yew ever see, an
dere cheef bizness is smoking an' making' salams, which is wot dey call
making' a kertsey to der grownd wid dere long arms.
Awl de wimin has dare faces kuvver'd awl over exsept '
de ise, jest like losses wot shies to wun side. Sum sez ~_
it is dun to prevent frekkles, an' sum sez its dun to
prevent dudes mashin' 'em-de wimin, not de frekkles. '-
De average Turkeyman is generally verry-much mayrid. 'i
At enny rate he has enuf ov wives tew sho fer it. Dey
call thare rume de "harem," an' de wimin we saw -'-
lukt a harum-skarum lot. If awl his wives are al- / l 1&A
owed tew chatter at wunse, I gess de poor Turk .
offen nedes sum ov dat hed-ake stuff. Too aver-
ige wimin kan tork a man intew a nearly grave, so ,
de Lord noze wot ten or a duzzen kin dew wid a '1
feller. Stil,sum ov de Turkey wimin was so she I.: --. -
ly, an' thare ise shined so britely threw tkir,- 'I --:
blinkers, dat Bill an' me we kinder envid dm- ni-"
Den yew shud jest see sum ovdemwimin dance !
SYewd think dey wos maid ov elastik. An' dey was
de dandiest hie-kikkers yew ever did see! Dey'd
jest as soon kik a hole in de seelin'
S/,-,') or nok de roof outen a fellers' hat
Swid dare those, as luk at yew. I don't
think dey hev ennyjints at awl, an' i
I'll gamble pennies dey never hev '\
no roomatism. A feller sot besides
me i night, wen dey was trying' tew 'I
kik de stuffin' out ov de atmesfear, J \
Ian' he sed he gessed dem gals was
spry enuf tew no a thing er too.
Dey aint takin' no chantzes wid
der roomatiz," he sed. I'll betdem gals take a doseov
this tew or tree times a day," an' he shoed me one ov dem .,
little blew bottles ov powder. I began te'v think that
every modders' son wot wos at de Fair had cottoned .
ter that remmedi. Der big fellers wot wos running' de
show-mannyjers dey kawl 'em-dey awl carried dere little
blew bottles an' yused ter take a "fizz" every now an
agen, but chefely now. Dey sed it yused ter inviggerate tierd branes, an'
freshen up dere think tanks wen dey got rusty
and overwirkt. Wun ov de felers toled Bill an'
me dat wen he felt awl tierd out at nites after de
showwos over, he yused ter take a good dose ov
Sder stuffan' it wud make him slepe like a hum-
min' top. Anuder feller sed dat wen he cudn't
ete nothing an' felt as billyus as a biled lobster,
a gud drink ov it wud settle his
stummik rite away. Bill sed it was 0
nerely as gud a settler as de av- p
Bill he don't no nothing 'cept how
ter lie. a s
Wen we went inter de Moorish Pallas it
was a grate site. 'Twarnt like anything els in
de Fair, an' it reminded Bill an' me ov a buk
weuster reed kawled de Arabyan Nites." We i
never seed sich slender. The Moors wos awl moored in-
side der Mosks, an' der gals wos a heep prittier nor de=-
men, as gals always is wen yew luk klose. Der moor we
saw ov 'em de better we liked 'em. (I tride dat joke on
Bill an' he nerely dide larfin, an' den he went all 'round'
crakkin' de same joke an' making' believe it was his own.) Yew orter see
dem Moorish madens dans, an' watch 'em make dere skirts fli. It seams
sum of de Lady mannyjers began kikkin' 'cos dey sed de gals in de Egyp-
shun an' Indyan, an' Moorish villages kikked two much. I don't no. I
think I has as much rite tew kik as anuder, only dese gals luk .better
doin' it. Bill an' me didn't kik agen it,-not much we didn't.
The place wot ,j attracted de most
doods an' oder f kinds ov men ov
awl nashuns, wos de BUTY show.
It wos like, ,-:l.' nere a free Tur-
key lunsh ter get._''L '' -- '- inside thare, an'
the pretty gals wos '" \ enuf terturna fel-
ler's hed rite round '/ on his shoulders
Bill an' me yused ." ., 'I I ter go there an'
wink at de wimin in thare own langwidge.
Thare was gals ,thare from every nashun
under de sun, an' Bill sed he thort sum ov
dem kem from hev- en. I didn't think so. Dey
didn't luk quiet enuf to be anjels. Dey
seemed ter draw well, but menny ov 'em painted a gud deel better'n dey
cud draw. Dey had a ruddy, healthy glo on thare cheeks that dey cud put
off an' on as dey liked. We never nu wot ajes dey wos and me arid Bill
didn't like to be two inkwisitive. Sum'ov 'em
lukt as if dey cud get reel mad widout enny
pertikler trubble. .*
Bill an' me-met sum wimin fokes wot kern .
from our place. Dey was in de Midway nite an' '
da fer a hole weak, an' dey seamed ter stand \
it pritty gud. One ov 'em sed she liked it bet- i I
ter'n shopping but I didn't believe that. Bill .;
an' me ast her if awl de rush an' noise didn't ,
make her nervous. She sed she didn't kare, as
she'd foundsumthin' thet jest nokt awl de
spots orf ov nervusness enny da, an' she
opened her satchil an' shode us thet everlastin'
little blew bottle. Sez I, If I've sene dat stuff
wunce I've sene it fifty times sinse I cum to de
Fair." Its de best thing out fur to releeve de
hed an' nerves sez she. I git the greatest releef frum it." "I was think-
ing of applyin' fer releef sune myself," sez Bill, fer I've jest changed
my last bill." Wen the wimin herd that dey shuk us, 'cos I think dey
wanted us to sei up de ice-kreme for 'em.
Wen Bill an' me fust found de beer-tunnel on de Midway we were jest
tikkled ter deth, an' we made visits thare two.noomerus ter menshun. We
was never lonely thare neether.' Dere was allwaze sumboddy or odder
dropping inter sea about sumthin'. It was a gud place ter study jags,
an the different waze dey affex people. We saw men.thare wid fitin' jags,
weepin' jags, larffn' jags, mellenkoly jags, an' quiet "stills." That's
the funnyest kind ov a jag to everybody but the
S"jagee." Den dere was sum wid singin' jags
an' most were singiri' "After de Bawl." I re-
= member de korus was
.- After de ball is over,
\ Wen you have drunk enuff,
Just as you feel in klover
Then cums the head so thff,,
T The worst hed you ever felt, sir,
r But you won't have it at awl,
By taking a Bromo-Seltzer
After the Bawl."
Bill an' me awlwaze uster kall at the beer-
tunnel last thing at nite. We wos so stuck on
the beer thare that we cud'nt keep away, but mebbe we didn't have time
ter regret it nex' morning Yew never saw sich heds in awl yure born
daze. They was like two fresh punkins but they uster feel like mush. I
don't no wether yew ever got a hed ov that kind, but if yew did yew no
w ot it is like. Seem'd ter me's if I'd been
Sbeeten wid a thik stik, an' awl I wanted waz
Ster laydown an' dye. Bill he suffered sumthin'
T awful. He wud git up in de middle ov de nite
an' drink awl de water we had ter wash our-
\ -v selves wid. An sich water 1 Yew had ter klose
ST ver ise wen yer wanted ter
/ drink. Yew kin bet thare's
I more in Shikargo water ner ;, .
people think. Yes, a lot more,
an' ye don't like the luks ov
wots in it ether. Bill an' me
Wel, after Bill an' me had de Dig hed fer about 4
daze in konkushun I wos tellin' a feller wot slept in de q
same ranch what an awful bad time we had getting' over
de effex ov de nites fun. Yure a pare ov fules sez
he. "No nuze in that," sez I, "we wos both borne
so." But yew orter no better," sez he. "We no that,
sez I, "but that don't mend our heds." "But wy in
thunder don't yew take sumthin' fer it? sez he. So
we du,'I anserd, kinder skornful, 'ake awl we kin hold
1- the nite afore. Wot molre d',c want I Yer don't ketch
C ,' on," sez he, n' he tiik a I!ttl ble\i bottle from his stern
-' poke t L'\ e Es. tliatr' c- lie. I do," ce I," an' I've
setn it. or L uin jest like it, wid nrly ever% bo:iddi I have
S met tat de fare. Wot d'ye kawl it enn\i a '" erIllerhe
S uks at me kontemtuos-like an' he sez, ser he, Tha' s
I BROMO-SELTZER," sezhe. "Wel, Grate
Scot I sez I, "r .e-e rbddy I've sene yuse
it has spoke wel ov it, but wot gud is it fer
a big hed?" "Jest yew try it," sez he, "'an'
w e won't no wot a big hed is! Wel, you
i 4 ". I11 bet neether Bill nor me ever had a sore
hed anuder mawnin', fer we uster kepe a
little blew bottle bi-the side o de bed, an'
wen we felt it cummin' on we'd mix a dose an' down it. NS
Bill, he swar-s bi it. So do I. An' I've toled eter bodd, RMOSEL
wot don't no it already, that dere aint ennything on dis- ,i1 '.
erth that ;'urei- a hed-ake ov enny kind, or soothes the I
nerve; qil:jikker'n it-will. E;i'l an' me are awlwaze going' ter
keep a b.tt[le bi us, 'cos we never no wen we need it- a
sp-ehall., Bill-een thn' we aint in .
"DE MIDWAY PLAISANCE.'.
'*.* p 1 i,!iTED 'oC .