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The Comic almanack
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00018
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1852
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00018

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image
    Title Page
        Title Page
    The comic almanack for 1852
        Unnumbered ( 10 )
        What is it ? : from the ouran - outan town journal and monkey world gazette
            Page 352
            Image
        How I went up the jung - frau and came down again
            Page 353
            Page 354
            Page 355
            Page 356
            Page 357
        Bloomerism in full blow
            Page 358
            Image
            Image
        Battle of the harvest field
            Page 359
        Battle of the yatches
            Page 360
            Page 361
        Modes of addressing persons of various ranks
            Page 361
            Page 362
        True history of the Koh - i - noor
            Page 362
            Page 363
            Page 364
        Mrs Beakey's table and chair talk
            Image
            Page 365
        Irish auctions
            Page 366
        Prophetic and mysterious hints for 1852
            Page 367
            Page 368
            Page 369
            Page 370
        Eclipses in 1852
            Page 371
        The nightingale
            Page 371
        Golden age coming
            Page 372
        Gold in Australia
            Image
            Page 373
            Page 374
        Our own notes and queries
            Page 375
        Opera Habitué
            Page 376
            Page 377
        Mr Bull's glass of water
            Page 378
            Image
        Curious trait of national manners
            Page 379
        Table of probable duration of life
            Page 379
        Riddler
            Page 380
            Page 381
            Page 382
        Our advertising column
            Page 383
        Our own president of France
            Page 384
            Image
            Image
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text
















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NOTICE.


The FIRST SERIES of THE COMIC ALMANACK"
from 1835 to 1843, a nine years' gathering of the BEST
HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest Quips, and the
Best Things of THACKERAY, HOOD, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH,
A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Wood-
cuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE,
LANDELLS-

may now be had of the Publisher, crown 8vo, 600 pp.,
price 7s. 6d.

SThe First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise
THE COMPLETE WORK, extendingfrom 1835 to 1853.






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THE


COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
T-HE BROTHERS MAYHEW.



:tI T'


"THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.-INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE 1ST FOOT."

igity mang unbnkb llastrations
4B Y GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

SECOND SERIES, 1844-1853.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDAN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.
'NEW YOK : SCRIBNER. WELFORD AND CO.
















THE


COMIC ALMANAC

FOR- 1852.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE WHAT IS IT P"
(From the Ouran-outman Town ouwrnat and Monkey World Gazette.)
A VERY curious creature, unknown hitherto to the philosophy of
Monkeydom, has been lately brought to this city, and is now to be
seen at the Zoological Gardens. The stranger has been examined
by the most learned citizens of Ouran-outan Town, and particularly
by the President and Scientific Committee of the Society for the
Promulgation of Unintelligible Knowledge; but opinion is divided
as to his probable genus, race, and species. It is confidently stated,
however, that he shows symptoms of belonging to a debased and de-
generated breed of some savage Ouran-outan race, who, cut off from
civilization and refinement, offer now a humiliating example of what
a monkey may come to. The conjecture is supported by a sort of
unintelligible jargon uttered by the animal. He frequently repeats
sounds which may be spelt thus-"johnsmithstrandlondon;" and
"dammeifthesemonkeychapsdontthinkthey'remen;" but upon no
possible rules of philological philosophy can the meaning (if, indeed,
it have any) of this gabble be ascertained. The animal, when cap-
tured by a hunting party from Ape Valley, was covered in a most
ludicrous and absurd manner, by pieces of cloth cut into barbarous
shapes, and presenting a sad instance of the utter 'negation of all
rules of taste and propriety. He is believed not to have any natural
fail, and so conscious is he of the want that he seems to have
fashioned two cloth artificial ones, in which, by a strange and savage
ingenuity, are placed (or misplaced) pouches, or holes-to be used, it
is conjectured, for hiding his young ones. The animal, when taken,
made no resistance, but seemed considerably surprised, and re-
peatedly uttered a sound like monkeyshaveme," or monkeysgot-
me," opinions are divided as to which; afterwards he looked steadily
at his captors and distinctly pronounced sichalotoguys," the ap-
parent spelling of which was taken down on the spot.
Since its arrival at the Zoological Gardens the animal has mani-
fested signs of decided intelligence. Meat having been set before
him, instead of eating it like a civilized Ouran-outan with his paws,
he produced, from some of his pouches, two strange instruments,
one of a cutting nature, the other furnished with prongs, by means
of which he divided the morsels and raised them to his mouth.
After feeding he now walks round the company upon his hind legs,
in the manner of a rational being; and were it not for his absurd
clothes, his habits of rubbing or brushing his hair, washing his face,
never biting nor kicking, and especially were it not for a sort of
chimney-pot which he wears upon his head. many Ouran-outans
would really be inclined to think of him as approaching, in some
degree, to the verge of a dim and cloudy rationality. At all events
the creature is a matter of enlightened curiosity, and we understand
is likely to form one of the main attractions at the approaching
Exhibition of the Want of Industry of Monkeys of all Nations.


[1852.




























Monster discovered by the Ouran., Outangs.







i852.]


HOW I WENT UP THE JUNG-FRAU, AND CAME
DOWN AGAIN.

(By PETER TWITTERS, PHILOSOPHER, CAMDEN TOWN.)

[From his own private Diary, which he kept for publication in the Times,
only they didn't put it in.]

July 25t7h.-Determined to ascend the
Jung-Frau mountain, which is totally
inaccessible and impossible to climb. Diffi-
culties only add fuel to the fire of a
Briton's determination. Was asked what
I should do when I got to the top. Replied,
come down again. That's what everybody does
who goes up high hills. Engaged guides, porters,
&c. Provided ourselves with necessaries, such as
ladders, umbrellas, skates for the glaciers, ropes,
brandy, camp stools, &c., and started. Quite a sensa-
tion in the village. Landlord of hotel with tears in
his eyes asked me to pay my bill before I went. Didn't.
Began the ascent; ground became steepish, as maybe
seen by the illustration. Hard work. Suppose such a
gradient would puzzle Mr. Stephen-
son. Talking of Stephenson, the
whole party, puffing and blowing like
so many locomotives. Pulled out our
camp-stools and tried to sit down on them.
Ground so steep that we
all lost our balance, and
e tumbled down to the bottom
of the slope. Never mind. /
Gathered ourselves up, and
at it again. Recovered our former
/' position, and getting higher, found
the slope still more excessive. In
fact, it was a wonder to me how we
managed it at all. Approached the
glacier region, and found it rather softish. Un-
pleasant consequence of which is that the whole
of our party sink up.to the neck in half-melted
sludge.
\\ Scrambling out
/" \ \MIr again with much ado, we feel
r'-' < ~ chilly, and refresh with brandy.
Being apprehensive of the ava-







TIE C6MIC ALMANACK.


launches, we keep a sharp look-out and dodge them. At one time
six huge masses of moving snow fell together, but we watch
our chance and slip between them with
the greatest dexterity.
Next danger a really dreadful one.
Arrive at a fearful precipice, the edge
very much overhanging the base, so
that it formed a species of cave. Called
a council of war. Council of war were
for going home again. Rebuked them,
and pointing to rough edges of rock, proposed to
try to crawl to summit. Set to work accordingly.
Dangerous business, but succeeded. On the top
of this tremendous cliff, discovered a vast chasm
or crevice, which appeared to bar all further pro-
gress. Guides in despair. Much
too wide to jump. Looked
Down. Crevice did not ap-.
S i pear to have any bottom in particular.
Called another council of war, and at
the same moment a violent squall of
wind and snow sweeping by, put up
my umbrella, when, horrible to relate,
the storm caught it, and lifted me into
Sthe air; the principal guide, who caught
my leg, being carried up also, and in a
moment we were hurried, in the very
thick of the squall, and deafened by its
howling, across the abyss, and landed
on the further bank. The guides on the
other side now flung across the rope,
which we caught, and fastened to a rock, and one of their number,


[1852.








HOW I WENT UP Timt JUNG-FRAU.


unfortunately the heaviest,
proceeded to come across.
The remaining two,
however, not having
strength to support his
weight, he fairly pulled
them into the crevice, so
that we were obliged to
drag up the whole three.
Found that we were now
not far from the summit. Saw
it before us rising in a sharp
peak against the blue sky.
More of the steep slope work.
Guides at last become so dread-
fully exhausted, that I have to
drag up the whole four. Terribly hard work. Nothing but my
splendid muscular development would
have enabled me to go through with it.
Ice decidedly too rough for skating
over, as may be seen by the following dia-
gram.
Close to the summit, when another dreadful
crevice with a high rock on the opposite side
threatens to stop our progress. Surmounted
the difficulty by a daring gymnastic feat, performed
as follows:-Standing on each other's shoulders,
the lowest man let his body incline over the cliff,
so that I, as highest, reached the edge of the oppo-
site side, and made fast the rope to a projection in the
rock.
Thus we happily got over, and in half an hour reached
the extreme peak of the Jung-Frau, where we clustered


AA2


x852.]








356 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [ 850
together, and gave three
British cheers, while half a
dozen eagles flew round and
round us.














_1J

Had no time to make scientific experiments; but ascertained
that the strength of alcohol is not diminished in any sensible degree
by the extreme rarefaction of the air at great heights. I subjoin
a telescopic view of mountain scenery, as it appeared through my
double-barrelled lorgnette. N.B. I squint.
Having got up, prepared to go down again, an operation which
was performed in a much quicker style than the other. Started
down a slippery slope, and missing our foot-
S ing, and not being able to stop ourselves, pro-
Sceeded in this manner, down at least 2000
( 7,f feet, before we were brought up by a ridge of
rocks, composed of uncommonly hard granite,
S against which we. rebounded like footballs.
Up, however, and at it again. Came to
i another difficulty; found ourselves in a
dreadful gully or ravine, with no sort of exit
but a narrow cleft, down which poured a tre-
i mendous cataract, into an awful black and
foaming pool 500 feet below. There was
/ nothing for it but to fling ourselves into the
/'/ torrent, allow ourselves to go over the water-
'/ fall, and take our chance m the cauldron-
which we did, in the manner shown in cut.
f The exploit was quite dreadful, from the roar
of the water, and the speed with which we
were hurled through the air, and soused at least 100 fathoms (for
I counted them) into the pool below, where, after we had reached the







1852.] HOW I WENT UP THE JUNG-FRAU. 357

surface, we were whirled about for at least an hour and a quarter
before we managedto emerge. Found
the experience I had picked up-in
the Holborn swimming baths of little '
avail in descending this cataract, but
was only too happy to escape at any
price. The rest of the journey was
comparatively easy, owing to a very
happy thought of mine. Happening
to see a roundish-shaped avalanche
roll past, remembered the globe
tricks in the circus, where Signor
Sadustini kept his balance on a big
wooden ball going down an inclined
plane. Communicated the notion to
guides, waited for the next ava-
lanche, jumped on it as it passed,
and went down like winking, always
keeping our places upon the top of
the ball, which gradually increased
to such a size, that it carried off \
several chalets beneath us. But that,
of course, we had nothing to do with; keeping, our places as well as
Sadustini himself, until thehuge
snowball came to a full stop in
the midst of a pine forest, where
S we clambered out of the snow,
and after several hours' hard
walking, reached the village,
'. where we were greeted by a
deputation of the authorities,
headed by the hotel-keeper hold-
ng my bill in his hand, who de-
S-- livered an address of congratu-
lation, and inquired when it
would be convenient for me to
Settle. Postponing, however,
S considerations of business to
those of festivity, a romantic
rural fte was got up in honour
of our return. The happy peasantry poured in from all sides,
singing, Come arouse us, arouse us, we merry Swiss boys." The
notary had a table in the corner, which is always usual. The
Seigneur du Village and his lady sat on a rustic throne. All the
peasants had jerkins and breeches, and bright stockings, with lots
of ribands, and all the peasantesses had short muslin petticoats
and pink satin shoes. Choosing then, as a partner, the loveliest
and the most virtuous-I was particular about the last-I opened
the ball.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


BLOOMERISM IN FULL BLOW.
THE ladies are about to turn over a new leaf, a leaf in the matter
of costume, unprecedented since the days of the fig leaf. Petticoats.
are to join hoops and farthingales; and long skirts, having long
swept all before them, are now, in their turn, to be swept into the
limbo of all the vanities.
Of course, now, breeches, trowsers, and all their synonymes, will
no longer be forbidden words. The tribes of the unmentionabless"
and the "unwhisperables" have had their day. We observe, how-
ever, that certain pretty modifications of the original terms are
recommended, and we are told to choose between "Pantilettes and
Pettiloons." But why not call the objects in question "trowser-.,
ettos," or, if an Americanized phrase be thought appropriate,
"limb envelopers" or "understanding swathers," might be advan-
tageously adopted.
It is, of course, to be anticipated that the reformed costume will
spread upwards, as well as downwards, in society ; giving us an
opportunity of reading, on the morrow of the first ensuing drawing-
room day, that Her ladyship wore a splendid pair of loud satin
pants, of deep purple, with a double broad yellow stripe running
down the leg, and new patent elastic straps, tastefully embroidered
with gold." At the same time, as it is inherent in the nature of
things, that pantaloons have to be kept up at the waist as well ak
down at the ankle, we shall expect to see advertised "The ne plus
ultra ladies' braces," and the Better than new plus ultra feminine
suspenders."
One dreadful question remains unsolved: it looms upon us as we
approach it, and the nerveless pen splutters in the nib. However,
we will make the effort, and state the problem: Given-a horse,
and a lady about to ride it. The lady is in Bloomer costume-the
horse fully caparisoned for a lady in Bloomer costume. Query:
Will the horse have two stirrups; one on the near side, the other
on the off?
What the parks and public gardens will be we have confidently
and fearlessly set forth. The mothers, daughters, grand-aunts,
second-cousins, and great-grand-nieces of England, may be expected,
one and all, to abjure the ancient faith of furbelows and flounces.
Oedunt arma togc, says our old Latin grammar, which literally.
translated, means, "Arms yield to the gown;" but now the gown
has had its day, and in its turn, yields-not to arms, however, but to
legs. Long was the reign of the proverbialized petticoat; but, like
the speech of a prosy orator, it has been interrupted by the impera-
tive cry of "cut it short."
Still we will not complain, even though Bloomerism may take a
step still farther, may aspire to Hessians with tassels, may dare to
sport tops. For, as was sagely remarked by the American editor,
Why, if female society be pronounced a humanizing agency, should
we not endeavour to see as much of the ladies as possible ?"


[1852S












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.1852.] 359


THE BATTLE OF THE HARVEST FIELD.
A BRILLIANT victory has just been achieved by the troops of
General Concord, Commander-in-Sheaf over a formidable field-not,
however, of artillery, but of wheat. The enemy-i.e., the wheat, was
very thickly planted on the ground, there being hardly room, indeed,
amongst the heads for the insertion of another ear; and upon the
approach of General Concord and his forces, immediate measures
were taken for the attack. The Commander-in-Sheaf drew up his
army in three lines: the first consisting of several brigades of the
gallant Sickle-eers, supported by flanking parties of the Reaping-
hook Light Bobs, and a strong detachment of regular and irregular
Rakers. Behind, and designed to support this division, were the
two celebrated brigades of Light and Heavy Binders. In the rear
were disposed a powerful body of the Royal Horse Harvest Wagon-
eers. Scattered bodies of Foot Gleaners were dispersed here and
there, and the refreshment of the forces was amply provided for by
a perfect battalion of settlers and vivandieres, who, with the most
cool and heroic courage, penetrated into those parts of the field
where the enemy was falling fastest, with eatables and drinkables
for the forces. So certain, also, was the Commander-in-Sheaf of
victory, that he caused hospital accommodation, in the shape of
barns and granaries, to be erected for the cut-down masses of the
enemy, who were conveyed thither by the gallant Wagoneers.
The battle commenced at sunrise, by a combined attack from the
Sickle-eers and Reaping-hook Light Bobs. The effect was tremen-
dous. The enemy could not stand a moment before the sweep of
our forces, who penetrated slowly but surely into their dense ranks,
mowing them down by thousands. All this time the Light and
Heavy Binders supported their comrades with the greatest efficiency
and effect; and the Rakers, regular and irregular, performed pro-
digies of valour. Indeed, the coolness of the troops, in one sense,
was as remarkable as their heat in another., Every movement was
performed with unflinching steadiness, and not a man fell (by
tripping over a rake) but his comrade stepped into his place (until
he got up again). The Binders also distinguished themselves by
their discipline; arid the order, "Form Sheafs Prepare to receive
Harvest Carts!" was regularly obeyed with splendid promptitude.
The fate of the day became speedily evident. The Corn made no
resistance worth mentioning, but it certainly stood up with great
pluck to be cut down; and by the direction of the Commander-in-
Sheaf, was carried to the receptacles provided for the disposal of a
brave enemy, with all the honours of the harvest field.
By sundown the victory was complete. Not an individual of the
enemy held his head erect. On our side there was a terrible effusion
of perspiration, and a great quantity of provisions and drink were
reported missing; but on the whole the Battle of the Harvest Field
may be considered as one of the most advantageous victories ever
won.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE BATTLE OF THE YATCHES.
A TRULY affecting copy of verses, made by a British Tar in Spit, .
head last August, and corked up in a bottle, floated to the end of
the Herne Bay Pier last week. The bottle was speedily uncorked,
in a vague expectation of Cognac; but the finders, discovering that
the only spirit which it contained was the spirit of the verses, mag-
nanimously surrendered the whole to the board of Admiralty, as
justly and legally appertaining to that body. The Board, having
sat upon the bottle (and broken it), rose as soon as possible after
instructing the First Lord to transmit to us the poetry, with a
polite note, stating how they had come by it, and lamenting that
the poet should have so obstinately adhered to his peculiar mode of
spelling the word Yacht."
THE BATTLE OF THE YATCHES.
OH, weep ye British Sailors true,
Above or under hatches,
Here's Yankee Doodle's been and come,
And beat our crackest yatches!
They started all to run a race,
And wor well timed with watches;
But oh they never had no chance,
Had any of our yatches.
The Yankee she delayed at first,
Says they, She'll never catch us,"
And flung up their tarpaulin hats-
The owners of the yatches!
But presently she walked along;
0 dear," says they, she'll match us
And stuck on their tarpaulin hats,
The owners of the yatches!
Then deep we ploughs along the sea
The Yankee scarcely scratches,
And cracks on every stitch of sail
Upon our staggering yatches.
But one by one she passes us
While bitterly we watches,
And utters imprecations on
The builders of our yatches.
And now she's quite hull down a-head,
Her sails like little patches.
For sand barges and colliers we
May sell our boasted yatches.
We faintly hears the Club-house gun-
The silver cup she snatches-
And all the English Clubs are done,
The English Clubs of yatches!


[1852.







.852.] MODES OF ADDRESSING PERSONS OF VARIOUS RANKS. 361

They say she didn't go by wind,
But wheels, and springs, and ratches;
And that's the way she weathered on
Our quickest going yatches.
But them's all lies, I'm bound to say-
Although they're told by batches-
'Twas build of hull, and cut of sail,
That did for all our yatches.
But novelty, 1 hear them say,
Some 'novelty still hatches!
The Yankee yatch the keels will lay
Of many new Club yatches.
And then we'll challenge Yankee land,
From Boston Bay to Natchez,
To run their crackest craft agin
Our spick and span new yatches.


MODES OF ADDRESSING PERSONS OF
VARIOUS RANKS.
(BY Oua FAST PROFESSOR.)
A Duke, or other Titled Person. "Now, old Strawberry-Leaves;"
or, as the case may be. An Earl carries Five Balls, and a Baronet
a Bloody Hand, which naturally points out the mode of addressing
the bearers. A Bishop is gratified by being addressed as Old
Shirt-Sleeves." If the ecclesiastic wears spectacles, it is de rigueur
to add, facetiously, that you observe his is not a See Sharp."
An Archdeacon you will, of course, call "Archy;" and a Bural
Dean you will address as "My Rustic." The Clergy, as a body,
you will speak of as the "White Chokers." The Lay Aristocracy
are simply styled The Nobs." Attention to this rule is requested.
An irreverent young reporter (from Ireland) having recently in-
cautiously asked an official of the House of Lords who that Buffer
was P" (indicating a nobleman who was speaking,) was solemnly
answered: Sir, we have no Buffers here; they are all Peers of the
Realm."
A Police Magistrate. Before you are fined-" My Lord;" Your
Worship;" Your Reverence;" Your Excellency;" Your Ma-
jesty;" or whatever title of honour comes readiest to your tongue.
After Justice has done her worst, you will merely allude to your
enemy as the Beak."
. Yowr Father. Speaking to him, say, Guvnor," or Old Strike-
a-Light;" of him, "The Old 'Un."
A Tradesman. Your address in this case will depend upon the
state of accounts between yourself and the party spoken to; but an
easy familiarity should generally be preserved; and it is a good
rule, if you wish to please a tradesman, to call him by a name, or







.852.] MODES OF ADDRESSING PERSONS OF VARIOUS RANKS. 361

They say she didn't go by wind,
But wheels, and springs, and ratches;
And that's the way she weathered on
Our quickest going yatches.
But them's all lies, I'm bound to say-
Although they're told by batches-
'Twas build of hull, and cut of sail,
That did for all our yatches.
But novelty, 1 hear them say,
Some 'novelty still hatches!
The Yankee yatch the keels will lay
Of many new Club yatches.
And then we'll challenge Yankee land,
From Boston Bay to Natchez,
To run their crackest craft agin
Our spick and span new yatches.


MODES OF ADDRESSING PERSONS OF
VARIOUS RANKS.
(BY Oua FAST PROFESSOR.)
A Duke, or other Titled Person. "Now, old Strawberry-Leaves;"
or, as the case may be. An Earl carries Five Balls, and a Baronet
a Bloody Hand, which naturally points out the mode of addressing
the bearers. A Bishop is gratified by being addressed as Old
Shirt-Sleeves." If the ecclesiastic wears spectacles, it is de rigueur
to add, facetiously, that you observe his is not a See Sharp."
An Archdeacon you will, of course, call "Archy;" and a Bural
Dean you will address as "My Rustic." The Clergy, as a body,
you will speak of as the "White Chokers." The Lay Aristocracy
are simply styled The Nobs." Attention to this rule is requested.
An irreverent young reporter (from Ireland) having recently in-
cautiously asked an official of the House of Lords who that Buffer
was P" (indicating a nobleman who was speaking,) was solemnly
answered: Sir, we have no Buffers here; they are all Peers of the
Realm."
A Police Magistrate. Before you are fined-" My Lord;" Your
Worship;" Your Reverence;" Your Excellency;" Your Ma-
jesty;" or whatever title of honour comes readiest to your tongue.
After Justice has done her worst, you will merely allude to your
enemy as the Beak."
. Yowr Father. Speaking to him, say, Guvnor," or Old Strike-
a-Light;" of him, "The Old 'Un."
A Tradesman. Your address in this case will depend upon the
state of accounts between yourself and the party spoken to; but an
easy familiarity should generally be preserved; and it is a good
rule, if you wish to please a tradesman, to call him by a name, or







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


make some allusion, derived from the trickery of his particular
trade. A Grocer you will call "Young Chicory;" ot, if a female,
" Mrs. Beans." A Sausage Vendor's shop you will enter playfully
imitating the cry of the itinerant merchant who supplies daily food
to the canine and feline menial. And a Woollen Draper you should
salute with, "Well, Devil's Dust."
The Waitress at a Restaurateur's, or elsewhere. Mary, my love,
my only angel, come here;" Sarah, my darling, what's good for
my complaint P" Jane's very sweet upon me, ain't you, Jane P"
A Bo-lkeeper. "Here, Pew-opener.'
A Pew-opener. "Here, Box-keeper."
All sorts and conditions of Men. In any manner in which a gen-
tleman would not address them.


THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE KOH-I-NOOR.
Now for the first time made public, in spite of the most lavish offers
to the Author from Her Majesty's Government.
THE Koh-i-noor is made of the very best crown glass, and the
workmanship is very superior. It was originally a chandelier orna-
ment in a dancing school kept by a Mr. Fogrum at Ponder's End,
about the middle of last century. Mr. Fogrum, however, growing
serious, turned his dancing-school into a Newlight chapel, and
preached a charity sermon in behalf of himself. That night two
rascals determined to rob the chapel of the collection, and accord-
ingly opened the door with a one-pronged fork, and got in. Find-
ing, however, that the collection consisted only of a penny token, a
card counter, a penny farthing, and a bad half-crown, one of them,
under the impulse of vexation, jerked the half-crown into the air,
when it struck down the Koh-i-Noor from the chandelier-the would-
be thief putting the bit of glass into his pocket as a memento of
the transaction.
The next day William Priggins, for so was he named, enlisted in
the H.E.I.C.'s service, and presently joined his regiment, the 007th,
at Juggerbadab. Not liking the service, however, he deserted,
blacked himself all over, gave up wearing clothes, and set up as a
Thug. After doing a good stroke of business in this new line, he
was ultimately apprehended by the officers of the Rajah Jibbety.
Jibbety, and, to save his life, offered to give up the Koh-i-Noor,
which he told the Rajah he had stolen out of a pawnbroker's shop
in Whitechapel. The Rajah was at the time in pecuniary difficul-
ties-so much so, as to have serious notions of coming to London
and taking a crossing, or singing Hindostanee lyrics, with a tum-
tum and his heir-apparent, in the streets. Being a statesman of
great acuteness and foresight, however, he saw that something
handsome might be made of the Koh-i-Noor, and, in the first place,
christened it by that name, it having been formerly called Bit-o'-


[1852.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


make some allusion, derived from the trickery of his particular
trade. A Grocer you will call "Young Chicory;" ot, if a female,
" Mrs. Beans." A Sausage Vendor's shop you will enter playfully
imitating the cry of the itinerant merchant who supplies daily food
to the canine and feline menial. And a Woollen Draper you should
salute with, "Well, Devil's Dust."
The Waitress at a Restaurateur's, or elsewhere. Mary, my love,
my only angel, come here;" Sarah, my darling, what's good for
my complaint P" Jane's very sweet upon me, ain't you, Jane P"
A Bo-lkeeper. "Here, Pew-opener.'
A Pew-opener. "Here, Box-keeper."
All sorts and conditions of Men. In any manner in which a gen-
tleman would not address them.


THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE KOH-I-NOOR.
Now for the first time made public, in spite of the most lavish offers
to the Author from Her Majesty's Government.
THE Koh-i-noor is made of the very best crown glass, and the
workmanship is very superior. It was originally a chandelier orna-
ment in a dancing school kept by a Mr. Fogrum at Ponder's End,
about the middle of last century. Mr. Fogrum, however, growing
serious, turned his dancing-school into a Newlight chapel, and
preached a charity sermon in behalf of himself. That night two
rascals determined to rob the chapel of the collection, and accord-
ingly opened the door with a one-pronged fork, and got in. Find-
ing, however, that the collection consisted only of a penny token, a
card counter, a penny farthing, and a bad half-crown, one of them,
under the impulse of vexation, jerked the half-crown into the air,
when it struck down the Koh-i-Noor from the chandelier-the would-
be thief putting the bit of glass into his pocket as a memento of
the transaction.
The next day William Priggins, for so was he named, enlisted in
the H.E.I.C.'s service, and presently joined his regiment, the 007th,
at Juggerbadab. Not liking the service, however, he deserted,
blacked himself all over, gave up wearing clothes, and set up as a
Thug. After doing a good stroke of business in this new line, he
was ultimately apprehended by the officers of the Rajah Jibbety.
Jibbety, and, to save his life, offered to give up the Koh-i-Noor,
which he told the Rajah he had stolen out of a pawnbroker's shop
in Whitechapel. The Rajah was at the time in pecuniary difficul-
ties-so much so, as to have serious notions of coming to London
and taking a crossing, or singing Hindostanee lyrics, with a tum-
tum and his heir-apparent, in the streets. Being a statesman of
great acuteness and foresight, however, he saw that something
handsome might be made of the Koh-i-Noor, and, in the first place,
christened it by that name, it having been formerly called Bit-o'-


[1852.








1852.] THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE KOH-I-NOOR.. 363

Glass." In the Rajah's capital, the city of Huggerymug, resided a
jeweller of enormous wealth, called Tiffin Gong. This man the
Rajah caused to be summoned before him.
"What is the value of this inestimable diamond P" he demanded,
showing him the Koh-i-Noor.
Tiffin Gong made his salaam, and after looking at it, replied,
"May the Rajah live for ever, and until the middle of the week
after. The value is eighteen pice," which amounts to three farthings
English money.
"Tiffin," said the Rajah, "just look again; and then look at this
bowstring. Is not the value of that diamond just twenty millions
of lacs of rupees ?" And he put his hand to his throat, and made
a cheerful choking noise with his tongue.













"On second thoughts," said the jeweller, "the value of the
diamond is exactly twenty millions of lacs of rupees."
The Rajah ordered in his Durbar or council, who were smoking
their pipes, sitting on the door-mats in the lobby, and then before
them repeated his question; to which the jeweller, with one eye on
the bowstring, returned his second answer.
You see," said the Rajah, Tiffin Gong is an excellent judge of
jewels. He declares this wonderful gem worth twenty million of
lacs; he shall have it for nineteen and a half, which is just as though
I had given him a half lac as a present."
Of course the Durbar were in raptures at this liberality, and
sung the national anthem, "Bramah save the Rajah!" with the
greatest enthusiasm. As for Poor Tiffin Gong, he saw that he was
but a departed coon, and turned very nearly white with rage and
terror. He had not got exactly nineteen millions and a half of lacs,
but he handed over nineteen and a quarter. Upon which the
Rajah, holding this to be a breach of engagement, retained the
Koh-i-Noor and the rupees too; and when Tiffin Gong complained
of being kept hanging about the court trying to get his own, the
Rajah said he might try another sort of dangling, and so hanged
him literally, and in thorough good earnest.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


Being thus undoubted possessor of the jewel, the Rajah ordered
the Chroniclers and Keepers of the Records to invent all sorts of
stories about the Koh-i-Noor, and to stick them as notes into the
next edition of the History of Jiggerydam, his kingdom, all of
which was done to admiration, and everybody who did not believe
the notes,, was beheaded, except a few, who were hanged. The
after story of this wonderful jewel may be soon told. The Rajah
wore it in his nose, but was speedily made war upon by another
Rajah, who was determined to have a grab at the priceless stone.
The Rajahs met in single combat, and were found after the battle
with only a hand of each remaining, a whisker which could not be
identified, and the Koh-i-Noor between them. It then fell into the
possession of the Emperor Mahommed Bung, from whom it was
taken after fifteen years' war by the celebrated Mahratta chief,
Tater Khan. Bung, in fact, had, as a last resource, swallowed the
stone, which choked him; but Tater Khan had it out in no time, as
he said himself, by the help of Allah and an oyster knife." The
Khan's descendants, who were continually conspiring against each
other, and putting arsenic in each other's curry with intent to get
possession of the bone, or rather stone, of contention, at length fell
into arrears of tribute to their proud landlords, the H.E.I. ., who
at last, backed by the Government, put in a distress, seized the
Koh-i-Noor, and sent it home; when Mr. Bramah, who is no re-
lation to the idol of that name, made a cage for it, and all the world
had lately an opportunity of seeing it. We regret that all the rubs
which the Koh-i-Noor has received have failed to heighten its
brilliancy, and it is the opinion of those best acquainted with the
facts, that the gem is not brighter now than when Mr. Fogrum
hung up his chandelier in his dancing-school at Ponder's End.


THE KOH-I-NOOR AS IT APPEARED IN THE CRYSTAL PALACE.


[182.

























A -vicr 0







1852.]


MRS. BEAKEY'S TABLE (AND CHAIR) TALK.
WELL, my love, Charles thought that as I had vowed I would
never matry into furnished lodgings, we had better wait until he
had saved money enough to furnish a house comfortably. I was
sillier then than I am now, and I thought his wanting to postpone
our marriage didn't look much like love, so I sulked. He was
sillier then than he is now, and minded a woman's sulks. He
furnished a house completely from top to bottom, from an adver-
tising warehouse, and the whole bill came to 291. 11s. 3Sd. We
married and took possession. Here is my diary of the week,
love; I preserve it for any of my young friends who are in a hurry
to marry.
Monday.-Charles, while shaving, rested his left hand heavily
on the dressing-table. It smashed under his hand, he cut himself
severely, and it was a mercy he didn't have his dear nose off. I
flew to the drawers for something to stop the bleeding, and the
keys broke or the locks wouldn't work, and we had to open the
drawers with the shovel. The hay, with which the easy chair was
stuffed, smelt so disagreeably, that we were obliged to send it out
of the room, and, as Anne was carrying it, the chair came in
halves, the back and arms falling away from the seat.
Tuesday.-The frame of the looking-glass gave way, the glass
fell out, and smashed the beautiful little French clock dear uncle
Brooks gave us.
Wednesday.-I had a headache, so Charles wheeled the sofa near
the fire for me. Doing so, two of the legs came off. He propped
it up with books, but by-and-bye I heard a sort of frizzling; it was
the glue, which the fire was frying. Hastily removing the sofa, we
divided it between us; Charles fell down with the end, and I got
the back on my poor toes.
Thursday. The dining-room table suddenly parted in the
middle. The lamp fell on Charles's head (making him swear
sadly), and I received a lovely goose, and all the gravy, in the lap
of my new satin dress. That night the screws of the bed slipped
in the rotten wood, and one side gave way. We came to the floor:
I was sadly bruised, and Charles hurt his head, and used very
strong language against the advertising wretches.
Friday.-One of the brackets of the curtain-rod broke, the cur-
tains, rings and all, came on mamma's head, crushing her new
bonnet. Getting on a footstool to dust a picture the stool broke,
and I fell against the picture, breaking the glass, and cutting my
forehead. The pole of a music desk came out of the stand, the
candles fell and greased the carpet (which was actually beginning
to lose its colour already), and the book smashed Charles's violon-
cello. N.B. Not so sorry about this last.
Saturday.-Moved into furnished lodgings, where we stayed until
we could afford to deal with a respectable upholsterer.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


[1852.


IRISH AUCTIONS.
In consequence of the difficulties and disputes which have attended recent.
sales by auction in Ireland, under the Encumbered Estates Act, and other-
wise, the Irish authorities have published an official set of conditions of sale,
framed in conformity with the spirit of business in the sister country, which
are, in future, to be universally adopted there. Anxious to render this Al-
manack of as much use as possible to the man of business, the editor has, at
the last moment, found room for this document:-

CONDITIONS OF SALE BY AUCTION IN IRELAND.
I. The highest bidder to be the purchaser, unless some gentleman bids more.
II. If any dispute arises as to who was the highest bidder, the sale is to stop
until the parties have fought it out: but if either combatant is killed, he
shall be allowed to amend his bidding for the sake of his bereaved family.
III. If after a piece of land has been sold, it cannot be found in the estate to
which it belongs, it shall be taken from the estate that lies most con-
venient to it; but the purchaser shall pay the owner of the latter the
full price of the piece thus taken; but this purchase-money shall be laid
out in improving the same. Anyhow, they must settle it between them.
IV. If a lot has been wrongly described, such misdescription shal not vitiate
the sale; but compensation shall be granted as may be just. If a piece
of land has been described as a house, the auctioneer shall be bound to
build a house thereon with the money paid for the same: and if it is
not convenient for the purchaser to pay for his purchase, the money may
be borrowed out of the poor-rates. If the vendor or the poor complain
of this, they must write to the newspapers; and if they can't write,
more shame for them.
V. The auctioneer shall not be liable to be called out upon any pretence what-
ever connected with the sale now about to take place; but this condition
shall in no wise prevent his giving satisfaction in regard to any other
sale, or his conduct in knocking down other lots or bidders.
VI. In regard to its being insulting to ask a gentleman to show his dirty parch-
ments, and make out titles, and all that bother, no title shall be required
beyond the seller giving his word of honour that the title is as good as
possible, and better. After this, if there's any awkwardness, it's a case
for the Phaynix Park.
VII. If what the lawyers call "outstanding terms" can't be got in," they
must stop out
VIII. If it shall turn out that the seller has sold property to which he was not
entitled, and which belongs to somebody else, and the right owner, upon
proper application, unreasonably refuses to give up possession, the
trouble and expense of bringing him to a sense of what is gentlemanly
conduct shall be equally divided between the seller and buyer.
IX. If the purchaser thinks he has paid too much, the balance shall be handed
back to the auctioneer, to be treated as liquidated damages, that is, laid
out in claret, to be drunk by all the bon flde bidders at the sale.
X. The auction duty shall not be paid at all, as it only helps to maintain
English ascendancy.
XI. Should there be much starvation on the estate, or mucn difficulty in get-
ting enough rent out of the tenants, part of the purchase-money shall be
laid out in publishing, in the English papers, an appeal to the charitable.
XII. That none of these conditions shall be binding on anybody who disap-
proves of them.





























PROPHETIC AND MYSTERIOUS HINTS FOR 1852.
(By our own judicial and judicious Astrologer.)


JANUARY.
ANOTHER new year! Something will probably happen before long. If it
does not something else will. Look round corners as much as possible ; and
don't go to the end of the world, for fear of falling over the edge. Begin new
undertakings which promise to be profitable. A bad month for marrying a
shrew.
FEBRUARY.
Give no bills in which February is included, in respect of its being so short.
Never pull your shirt collars so high as to r.un the risk of the nether man's
catching cold. A bad month for hanging yourself-put it off. Eat as much
as you can. If anybody make you a handsome present-take it, and fear
not. One of your friends will cut himself shaving-seek not to know which;
pry not into the secrets of destiny.
MARCH.
Never take hold of the poker by the wrong end. Go forth into the streets
and gather a bushel of March dust; it is worth a king's ransom. Take it to
the Goldsmiths' Hall, and they will pay you for it-(a king's ransom is
30,0001., which will be at once handed to you). Spring commences. Cut








368 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1852

the pearl buttons off your shirts and sow them in the flower-pot; they will
come up oysters. Avoid the vanities of dress, but do not go abroad without
your pantaloons.







APRIL.
Lie in bed all this month for fear of being made an April fool. Many
things happen in April. A good month to receive a large legacy in, but
don't reject a small one. Clouds will gather in the social horizon. You will
have a quarrel with your wife, which will be brought to an amicable con-
olusion by means of a shawl. Avoid bonnet shops. A bad month to be
bankrupt in.










MAY.
A merry month. Gather May dew (query: what are you to do with it
when you get it?) Dance round the maypole. On no account dance round
the north pole, or the south. Get your friends to do bills-it promotes gene-
rosity and liberality, which are virtues. Your hat will be blown off-if it be
windy enough, and you don't hold it on. Be obliging; give anybody who
asks, free permission to run pins into anybody else-innocent amusement
ought to be encouraged.








JUNE.
A bad month for your house to be burnt down-unless, indeed, it be in-
sured for double its value, or your wife be in it. When you ride in the Park
and the boys tell you to get inside the horse and draw down the blinds, don't
-it's not seemly. Make money-Pass your bad half crowns. Give your
clean-picked "bones to the poor-charity covers a multitude of sins. If a








1852.] PROPHETIC AND MYSTERIOUS HINTS FOR 1852. 36.9

comet appears, let it alone; and when it is tired of appearing it will dis-
appear. If you see a ghost, tell it to stay there; and come for us, and we
will go and look at it.









JULY.
Walk about in armour for fear of mad dogs. The planetary system this
month will go on as usual; distrust anybody who tells you to the contrary.
Be a philosopher, and have as few wants as possible-cut off your legs, and
then you wont require boots, which you will find to be a saving. When you
sleep in church do not snore; it is disrespectful to the establishment. If you
go to the opera and drop a double-barrelled lorgnette from the fifth tier, and
it cracks a man's skull below, bring an action against his representatives for
the value of the glass. Make yourself comfortable.








AUGUST.
Events will take place and circumstances will happen; also things will
come to pass. Beware, therefore, and trust the stars. You may have a cold
in the head, and you may not. Tace is Latin for a candle, and things must
be as they may. Avoid apoplexy, give no encouragement to rheumatism,
and, if you are taken ill with typhus fever, don't stand it. Drink not physic
slowly, and take chloroform when you're having your hair cut or sitting for
your daguerreotype.










SEPTEMBER.
Go out a shooting; but shoot not the moon, unless you find it convenient.
BE







* THE COMIC ALMANAC.


A good month for drinking beer, but avoid salts. Recollect what the wise
man sayeth: a bush in the hand is worth two in the bird. Be sage, stuffed
with sage. The time for travelling. It' you let your moustaches grow, you
will immediately begin to speak French and German. Get a passport from
the beadle of your parish, vised by the turncock. Avoid sea-sickness by
never ceasing eating and drinking when at sea. If you see the devil have
nothing to say to him; he is very far from respectable; cut him.

OCTOBER
The harvest is gathered, and the barns are full. The best month for brew-
ing-domestic storms and natural convulsions brewing as well as porter.
Get all you can out of your friends. Make love to pretty women with
money. If you go to California take care you don't dig up brass for gold.
Take heed, the world will come to an end some day; pay your rent if you
are obliged-not otherwise. Avoid breaking your leg in three places, five of
your ribs, putting your collar-bone out, and fracturing your skull.

D. -BOGUE.I


ALM ANA Al ANAA





NOVEMBER.
The month for committing suicide; avoid it, however, for yourself. Give
your friends presents of rope; if you give them enough, the sage sayeth, they
will hang themselves. Fogs are thick; but the wise man sees through
them. Roads are muddy; but the rich man rideth in a cab. In this month
your hair will grow. Do not be alarmed. Buy the Comic Almanack.

DECEMBER.
Winter commences. Bills come pouring in. Trust yet to the stars. Do
the Income Tax-so saith the moral philosopher. All flesh is grass-but
beef is not water cresses. Make moral reflections, and pay no bills. A bad
month for paying bills. Give no Christmas dinner; but go to some one's
who does. Receive presents of turkeys, geese, pickled salmon, and cod, with
oysters for sauce. Look out for Saturn in the ascendant in the house of
Mars; and when you see a comet with a green tail, send an express to the
astronomer royal, with a lock of your hair.


-9--t-


[1852.










ECLIPSES IN 1852.
THE SUN will be eclipsed the whole year round by the brilliance of the
work the reader holds in his hand. Visible to all the inhabitants of Her
Majesty's dominions, of the United States of America, and of every other
country where English is understood.
The MOON will be eclipsed, during various portions of the seasons, at the
Princess's Theatre, by a set of opposition Moons to be got up by Mr. Grieve.
Visible to the audiences each night.
JUPITER has been so completely eclipsed by the crack boat of that name
belonging to the Gravesend Star Company, that he has drawn in his rays in
disgust, declined upon his axis, assumed a mean-in fact, a remarkably mean
distance, and generally shut up shop.
PALLAS will be eclipsed by Mr. Barry, whose new PALACE will approach
within eighteen or nineteen years of completion. Visible to the inhabitants
of Westminster from dawn to dusk, and to the population generally, through
any dull medium-say the Estimates.
OTHEn ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION.
To convert Astronomical Mean Time into Mean Civil Time.-Beating
being the shortest way to make mean people civil-beat time.
To find the distance of Terrestrial Objects.-Take a yard measure, and
measure -it. Another way, useful if the object be a window, a friend, or a
public character, is to throw a stone at it, and if you hit it, you may be sure
it is within a stone's throw.
To set a Sun Dial.-Dig a hole in the earth, and set it. Sun dials are,
however, seldom known to thrive much. The Seven Dials in London grew
up in a soil composed of old clothes, Irish, onions, Jews, and Gin; and the
population is still literally celebrated for knowing what's o'clock, with occa-
sional rectification by the police.
Directions,to know the Stars.-Notice whose names are printed largest in
the play-bills, and precede the largest sums in the schedule of a manager
when he goes up to the Insolvent Court. Another way is to notice who play
or sing most carelessly when the house is bad, or look sulky when applause
doesn't come.
To calculate Longitude from the Meridian of Greenwich.-Ascertain
how often a person has eaten whitebait that season.

THE NIGHTINGALE.
A CHARMIa songster of this species warbled its nightly music from a high
tree in the corer of my garden. It generally began its jug-jug just after
sundown, when it distinctly whistled the bass solo, Now nurse and child are
fast asleep," from Guy Mannering. The formation of the larynx prevented
the lower notes from coming out with full effect, but the performance, in
other respects, was perfect. Truth, however, compels me to add, that the
bird did not, as has been asserted, whistle the words. The same nightingale,
when he saw over the garden wall a gentleman staggering along, after a
convivial party, used to whistle We wont go home till morning," with great
glee. I only observed it make a change once, when the air selected was,
"Jolly companions every one."- William Kiddjy, in the Gardeners' Journal.

THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE.-Stopping a railway train to ask the Guard
what o'clock it is.










ECLIPSES IN 1852.
THE SUN will be eclipsed the whole year round by the brilliance of the
work the reader holds in his hand. Visible to all the inhabitants of Her
Majesty's dominions, of the United States of America, and of every other
country where English is understood.
The MOON will be eclipsed, during various portions of the seasons, at the
Princess's Theatre, by a set of opposition Moons to be got up by Mr. Grieve.
Visible to the audiences each night.
JUPITER has been so completely eclipsed by the crack boat of that name
belonging to the Gravesend Star Company, that he has drawn in his rays in
disgust, declined upon his axis, assumed a mean-in fact, a remarkably mean
distance, and generally shut up shop.
PALLAS will be eclipsed by Mr. Barry, whose new PALACE will approach
within eighteen or nineteen years of completion. Visible to the inhabitants
of Westminster from dawn to dusk, and to the population generally, through
any dull medium-say the Estimates.
OTHEn ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION.
To convert Astronomical Mean Time into Mean Civil Time.-Beating
being the shortest way to make mean people civil-beat time.
To find the distance of Terrestrial Objects.-Take a yard measure, and
measure -it. Another way, useful if the object be a window, a friend, or a
public character, is to throw a stone at it, and if you hit it, you may be sure
it is within a stone's throw.
To set a Sun Dial.-Dig a hole in the earth, and set it. Sun dials are,
however, seldom known to thrive much. The Seven Dials in London grew
up in a soil composed of old clothes, Irish, onions, Jews, and Gin; and the
population is still literally celebrated for knowing what's o'clock, with occa-
sional rectification by the police.
Directions,to know the Stars.-Notice whose names are printed largest in
the play-bills, and precede the largest sums in the schedule of a manager
when he goes up to the Insolvent Court. Another way is to notice who play
or sing most carelessly when the house is bad, or look sulky when applause
doesn't come.
To calculate Longitude from the Meridian of Greenwich.-Ascertain
how often a person has eaten whitebait that season.

THE NIGHTINGALE.
A CHARMIa songster of this species warbled its nightly music from a high
tree in the corer of my garden. It generally began its jug-jug just after
sundown, when it distinctly whistled the bass solo, Now nurse and child are
fast asleep," from Guy Mannering. The formation of the larynx prevented
the lower notes from coming out with full effect, but the performance, in
other respects, was perfect. Truth, however, compels me to add, that the
bird did not, as has been asserted, whistle the words. The same nightingale,
when he saw over the garden wall a gentleman staggering along, after a
convivial party, used to whistle We wont go home till morning," with great
glee. I only observed it make a change once, when the air selected was,
"Jolly companions every one."- William Kiddjy, in the Gardeners' Journal.

THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE.-Stopping a railway train to ask the Guard
what o'clock it is.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE GOLDEN AGE COMING.

(from the Sydney Morning Herald, 25th December, 1861.)

THIS colony is a remarkable colony. The ancient gentleman (we
forget his name, and there isn't a Lempribre nearer than Cochin
China), who turned everything he touched to gold, must have called
here on his way to Hades. Gold, gold, nothing but gold. Let us
calmly review what Australia has done since Christmas, 1851.
Although she has separated from the mother country, it was not
in anger, but only as a rich child's establishment is naturally apart
from that of poor parents. We did not neglect Old England; we
paid off her national debt, and we deposited in the hands of trustees
(the Emperor Jullien I., King Abbott-Lawrence, and Sultan Abd-el-
Kadr) a sufficient sum to render taxes in England unnecessary for
two hundred years. Having thus done our duty as a child, we
leave the old lady to amuse herself her own way. But we shall
not forget her, and each Christmas we shall delight in presenting
her with a new Fleet, a box of palaces, or some other tribute of
affection.
We laid down the Cape and Algiers Railway, as also that from
Gibraltar to St. Petersburgh, and the eighty thousand miles of line
in India. We cut through the Isthmuses of Suez and Panama, and
lengthened the grand canal of Venice to the Black Sea.
* We bought up all the opera singers in the world at their own
price (the largest drain our exchequer has known), and we founded
the Australian Opera. Meyerbeer received 100,0001. for his open-
ing work-Le Kangaroo, and the "Hopping Chorus is worth the
money.
We arranged a financial system for ourselves, the leading feature
of which was, that there should be no fractions, no change, no bar-
gaining (this nearly drove the women out of the colony), and no
tick. The lowest price of anything was to be a guinea.
We have an electric telegraph communication between our new
capital, Aureopolis, and every other metropolis in the world. Pain-
ful as it is to hear the needy creatures of other continents squab-
bling about miserable loans and wretched subsidies, when, perhaps,
the whole sum at issue is not fifty millions, and disagreeable as it
must be to regard one's acquaintance as paupers wrangling over
halfpence, the lessons are not without instruction.
Such are some of the achievements of Australia. But she is not
all-powerful. We have a failure to record. All her proffered trea-
sures could not buy one of the writers in the Comic Almanack. Yet
it must be done. Gird up thy loins, young nation! The rest were
trifles, but here is a task worthy of thee. Thy mines of wealth
against the mines of wit; for one of those priceless men thou must
have. To the Diggings to the Diggings !


[1852.




l~il1________*_1___4nC_3__1










THE GOLD IN AUSTRALIA.
[Private .and confidential letter from Mr. JEMMY BULLSEYE, Professional
Burglar, M.S.M. (Member Swell Mob), P.P.P. (Professor Pocket
Picking, &c.), T.C. (Transported Convict), TO IxEY MOSHEs, ESQ.,
R.S.G. (Receiver of Stolen Goods), F.R.F. (First-Bate Fence), Dead-
man's Court, Filch Street, Whitechapel.]
BOTTINEY BAY, 1 April.
MY DEAR MOSHES,
Giv us yer congraterlations old chap, for luck as turned at last.
Thank evings I'm now a maid man, and a real transported conwict, and no
mistake. Ha ha! No more bissines-no more senter bits, nor kro bars,
nor skillington keas, nor dips into pokkets with nuffin in 'em-nor putting old
ladis on the grate when 'ot, to make 'em tell vere the spoons is-no more rows
with them ere Peelers, nor interviews with the Beaks-nor no more pollis
wans, nor Hold Baileys, nor Middlesects sesshuns, nor Surgeon Adamses, nor
Recorders, nor Ballantines nor Clarksons. As I said afore, in one wurd, no
more bissines. I'm a-coming out in the respectable line, and I'm agoin to
keep a gigg. I've made my lucky, and I can afford to pass the remaneder
of my days a-doin' nuffin but enjoying on myself.
In two wurds, Ikey, I've maid my fortin. I've 5 portmanties chok full of
gold. How you'd like a grab at 'em, eh ? The rigglar stuff; shinin' like
sufferings, and worth never so much more, bekase more purer, and no allhoy.
You remember the littel Jobb for which I got into trubbel-the plate down
Hackney way, which we didn't find out to be Britania Mettle till jist as it
was in the meltin' pott, and the pollis had me by the choler. Well, I staid in
Pentonwill too ears, and then we kum out here, a hole ship lod on us, rigglar
outanouters as ever stood in a dok, and then they set us to make rods, and
me and Bil Smuth, and Jerry Gibbs-him as knocked the old lady on the
'ead for pleasure, arter the bissines was over, and the swag sekured-and
half-a-dozen more, was all tyed to one change, with a lot o' sogers ready to
shoot us if we played doun our piks or spaids for a minit. But let me tell yer,
as things 'as turned out, the praktise was capital, for suddenly one morning'
there kame word, that about a dosen of miles from us, there was a bed, a
rigglar bed of gold made up in the earth, and that nobody had anything to
do but to stupe down and pik hup the peace. By gom, Ikey, when the
sogers heard this, off they cut, and set to work at the golden sand with their
baggynets, and, as you may be sure, also off we kut arter them; and there
we wos, the hole wak of us, konwicts and no konwicts, picking' up the yaller
metal like 1 o'clock, and mindin' nuffin else. And now we found out the
advantage of our rod making praktise, for, for every ounse of gold the rest
piked up, we got a 2. So we soon had the change off, and, in less nor 6








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


weeks I had for my share at least 50,000 lbs. worth-which, by-the-by, I
am grieved to say, that disonest skoundrel, Bil Smuth, tryed to pilpher from,
but a dig from the pik axe settled his ash, as so it did Jerry Gibbs's, whose
'and I found in my pokkits-the unprinsipaled thif, who had no more respect
for reallysed property than nothing at all. And so, to make a long storey
short, here I am, a-goin' to sale for Urope by the next ship with all my gold,
and quite sartin of being reseaved according to my merrits, as weyed by the
hevvyness of my Koffers.
I have hardly maid up my plans yet, but I think I'll by an handsome house
somewhere near Tyburnia-I like the name ; and I'll call it either Burglary
Lodge," or Felony Villa," or The Fence," and I'll furnish part on it quite
slap-up like the nobses; and part on it like Newgate, and part like Penton
will, and part like the Pennytenshiary, just to keep hup a scentimental re-
memberahce of the old Times. I'll get a Kot o' arms too. The Herralds'
Offis will soon find that for me, but there must be a dark lantern in it, and a
skillington kea, and for a mottar, Sucksess to Swindlin," in a dead lan-
gwidge, which is more genteeler nor a livin one. In course I'll have an ouse-
warming, when I'll ask the Rekordor of the sitty of London, and the Kommon
Surgeon, and Surgeon Adams of the Middlesects, and the Kommishners of
Pollis, and Dannal Wittles Arvey. I should think they'd come. I don't
bear no mallis, and I'll give 'em good wittles. Sirkmstances is altered, my
Lords," I'll say after dinner, when I'm a-standing with a glass of champagne
in my 'and, "And I forgive you for having sent me out to Bottiney Bay, kon-
sidering wot's come of it, and if any of you would like to try your luck akross
th: water, I'll give you a letter to a hold pal of mine that worked on the
same chaue as me for five ears, and he'll put you hup to the time o' day
if anybody will." I shood think, Ikey, as that would be a handsomee way
of doing the thing, and letting bygons be bygons. I wudn't be surprised
arter that if they made me a Middlesects magistrate, or a visiting Justass, or
summut o' that kind, and when I goes to a Pollis offis just for old assossia-
shun's sake, you'll read in the papers how the Honorable Genlmn was akkomo-
dated with a seat on the bench beside the worthy magistrate, Ha ha!
Ikey, the gold will do it al. I wouldn't be surprised if I get a testymonial,
or if there be a subskription to raise a monyment to me-or a lot of amsouses
for dekayed prigs, to be called Bullseye Amsouses," with the names of the
churchwardens of the Parritch karved over the entrance door. In course I'll
keep a carridge, which is more convenient than a wan with V. R. painted on
the side; and I'll have the deerest pue in the most fash'nable chapple-
Parritch churches is low-and I'll subscribe to the societies for the pur-
tection of property and the suppression of voice. Its wot is looked for in
men in a sartin position.
Sutch then, Ikey, ,are my present plans. I wad ask you to my house
warming, but fear you mite not like to meet some of the Gents allooded to,


[1852.








1852.] OUR OWN "NOTES AND QUERIES." 375

you being still in the old line of business, and not unkimmon well of. How-
soever, we'll have a quiet tawk when we meet, over a glas of grogg and a
pype. Yours affexndly,
JEMMY BULLSEYE.
P.S. In coorse I'll go into Parlyment, but representing nyther St. Alban's
nor Harwich. No, no, dang it, not so low yet as that kums to nyther.


OUR OWN "NOTES AND QUERIES."
PIKES AND ASSES.
Mn. SAMUEL FLOPP presents his compliments to the Editor, and begs to
propound the following question:-
Mr. Flopp, passing the other day through the Camden Town Turnpike,
observed written upon the gate-
"For every horse, mule, or other animal, not being an ass, the sum of
1d."
Mr. Flopp wishes to know whether it was owing to the last reservation,
that he was allowed to pass toll free.
Perhaps some of our correspondents will answer the question.

BLACK'S THE WHITE OF MY EYE.
"There is a proverbial expression, You can't say black is the white of my
eye.' How ought a person to vary the phrase to suit his own case, sup-
posing his eyes to be blue ? An answer will oblige. J. P."

SIR,
Digging in my garden, I found a flat stone with the following
inscription-
JONBUMPSISGROUND
Can you inform me what language this is? I have submitted the question
to both Universities, and a fortune-teller in the New Cut, but I can get no
satisfactory reply. I am myself inclined to think it either Phoenician,
Chaldee, or ancient Cornish."

"The following very curious fragment of an epitaph is to be found in a
churchyard not a hundred miles from Biggleswade:-
SAfflictions sore, long time I bore,
Physicians was in vain-'
Cetera deunt. Can any of your readers'inform me of the name and
profession of the deceased, what he died of, and whether the undertaker was
paid for his funeral ?"







6 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1852.











THE OPERA HABITUE.
You'VE heard of an Habitud-an Opera-going man-
Perhaps yon sometimes try to look as like one as you can,
But, if you want a faithful sketch-correct as sketch can be,
I'll daguerreotype myself-an old Habitud.

And first, I don't know music-for I haven't got an ear;
And I fear I couldn't tell Jim Crow from strains by Meyerbeer;
And once.l made a blunder when the band began to tune,
And asked what Costa was about, to start them off so soon.

The fact is-music bores one, but what is one to do ?
It's very clear that one must try to get one's evenings through;
And so I somehow find myself professing vast delight,
And shouting brava Grisi!"-yes-every Opera night.

I'm got up to perfection. In all that dandy place,
There's no cravat so faultless-no shirt so gay with lace;
My gibus hat-my shiny boots, there's none who see forget.
While words can't tell how tight my gloves, or huge my white lorgnette.

And, every Opera evening, I lounge into my stall,
And nod, and smile to scores -of course-Habitu6s, one and all;
And then adjust that huge lorgnette; and, grave as grave can be,
From box to box, and tier to tier, commence my scrutiny.

There's first the row of baignoires so dark, and deep, and sly;
Then the Grand Tier-the milky way-around the Opera sky.
The First tier so respectable-beloved of Russell Square,
The Second, where the artist haunts high up in middle air.

And well I know by many a sign, by toilet, and by style,
Whether or no the House be good. Spite managerial wile,
One sweep of my lorgnette, and then, I'll confidently say
Which are the boxes duly filled, and which those given away.

The curtain np-my toils commence-and loungingly I pass
Froin tier to tier, and box to box, myself, boots, hat and glass.
And flirt with Emily, or Kate, and chat with dear Mamma,
Or even fling myself away five minutes on Papa.








;2.] THE OPERA HABITU.

And then we talk, oh, how we talk, of pic-nics, rides, and balls;
Or quiz that lady's strange toilette down yonder in the stalls,
And wonder who the men can be in very dubious stocks,
Who've pinned the bill upon the ledge of Lady Swandown's Box.

But the last loud stirring chorus at length has died away,
And the house is up and buzzing, for the Entre'acte hath sway,
The corridors are thoroughfares-as here and there they flit
Our humming, chatting Opera world from boxes, stalls, and pit.










For now there comes the Quarter hour when everybody meets,
The cheery, chatty Quarter hour, when each some comrade greets,
The Quarter hour so terrible, when Critics deep, who sit
In solemn judgment-pass it-in the lobby near the pit.

A chattering joking conclave, that merry clever ring,
With its gossip of all passing things and scandal of the ing,"
Deep Opera diplomacy-the last alleged sore throat:
And all the very newest, and most piquant things afloat.

And thus my evening passes in the summer and the spring,
In lorgnette astronomics, and languid listening,
In sauntering, and gossiping, and lounging up and down,
And mixing up the music with the chit-chat of the town.

Till-from the Great Soprano Queen there's nothing more to hear,
Till-the last loud orchestral crash has died upon the ear,
Till-the last lingering lady has made her last delay,
And the last lingering carriage no longer stops the way.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


MR. BULL'S GLASS OF WATER.

Mn. JoHN BuLL, suddenly impressed with the excellence of water,
demanded that his town mansion should forthwith be supplied.
Bless your soul, Sir," cried nine of his servants, "the house has
water enough, and very good water, brought twice a week."
Bring me a glass of it," said Bull, and while they were fetching
the glass (for John's servants are the dreariest dawdles on the face
of the earth, and are as long opening a door, cleaning a passage, or
doing any little job, except a money job, as the servants of Monsieur
le Nez, over the way, are in throwing his whole house out of windows),
Mr. Bull took up a Blue Book.
Colourless, transparent, inodorous, and tasteless; such are the
conditions of purity in water," read John. O, here you are at last,
you lazy rascal; give me the glass. What do you call this stuff,
you scoundrel-pea-soup P"
Capital water, Sir, stunning tipple, sir," said the fellow auda-
ciously; "your steward pays me a shilling a pint for all I bring in."
Does he!" said John, glancing across the room, to be sure that
his stick was in its corner. Where do you fetch this stuff from,
tell me that?"
Nearest place, in course, Sir. Thames-ditch, Sir."
That all my drains run into! Take that, Sir !" roared -the old
gentleman, kicking him down stairs.
Another servant, smirking, ran in with another glass.
Less colour," said John, but smells like the end of a gas-pipe."
And the bearer went over the bannisters. A third tried his luck,
declaring that the water he brought came from a beautiful tank
near Sadler's Wells.
"Full of live things," said John, shuddering.
A fourth rushed up, Try this, Sir; a dodge of my own, Sir, a
pipe from a tan-pit, Sir-tan very healthy."
Tastes of animal decomp- I'll tan you, Sir," thundered John,
planting his fist between the rogue's eyes, put that in your pipe!"
Well, all the other servants came with glass after glass of dirty
water; for fetching which, John Bull's steward was, they said, in
the habit of paying them enormously, besides encouraging them to
beat anybody who came to the house with a filter, or offered to bring
cleaner water at a cheaper rate. John waxed furious, declared they
were all rogues and cheats, and commanded his steward, one WooD,
to contrive that he should have decent water. So Wood, who is
the merriest, most goodnatured bungler in the world, proposed that
they should all pour their different supplies into one great tank,
which he thought would make the water pure. JoHN BULL didn't
quite see how eight quarts of dirty water would, by being mixed,
make two gallons of clean; but this plan is going to be tried It
seems most likely that John will never get a Glass of Clean Water.


[i852.






























y-- or Joa L iZtCd- &it th Ywrics fCe Sk-tui,
. of, ?s aer->-, 'w.er, eveTty wh/e-re. *^,


-~X-T'"DI~I~U. .CJ~


qA voel I Jai y H








1852.] 379


CURIOUS TRAIT OF NATIONAL MANNERS.

(Extract from the Advertisiag Colunms of the Slickville Patriot and
Locofoco Bowie Knife.)

To be sold by Public Auction, next Wednesday, the whole contents
-furniture and appurtenances-of the late Editor of this Journal's
Office, consisting of-
1. Five Tomahawks (warranted).
2. Eight Colt's Revolvers (have each shot their man).
3. Two Sword-sticks.
4. Three Gouging Forks (patent).
5. Seven Nigger Whips (loaded with lead, and highly recom-
mended).
6. A Horse Whip (same with which Editor said he flogged General
Dodge).
7. Another Horse Whip (same with which General Dodge said he
flogged Editor). These two will be sold in one lot.
8. A Cask of Tar-good for Abolitionists.
9. The Feathers out of Four Feather-Beds--ditto, ditto.
10. Curious Recipes for Brandy Cocktail, Whisky Stingers, and
Gin Trumps.
11. A Pair of Bloomer's Pantilettes.
12. A Bad Dollar, and
13. A Worn-out Pen.
Sale to commence at noon, and no revolvers allowed till a quarter
past.

TABLE OF THE PROBABLE DURATION OF LIFE.
(The number 20 being taken as representing the chance
of living longest).
VEGETARIA. 5
Fox-hunter .. 15
Soldier in the Line 9
Guardsman 19.
Railway Traveller 12
Ditto, on the Midland Counties' Railway .
Habituc of the Legitimate Drama I
Husband of a "Bloomer" (unless he runs away from her) 1
Member of Parliament 15
Reader of Parliamentary Debates 5
Reader of the Comic Alaanack* 20
NoTE.-If a purchaser also, the chance is enormously increased, and, for all practical
purposes, may be regarded as a certainty.-PunBLsHIa.








1852.] 379


CURIOUS TRAIT OF NATIONAL MANNERS.

(Extract from the Advertisiag Colunms of the Slickville Patriot and
Locofoco Bowie Knife.)

To be sold by Public Auction, next Wednesday, the whole contents
-furniture and appurtenances-of the late Editor of this Journal's
Office, consisting of-
1. Five Tomahawks (warranted).
2. Eight Colt's Revolvers (have each shot their man).
3. Two Sword-sticks.
4. Three Gouging Forks (patent).
5. Seven Nigger Whips (loaded with lead, and highly recom-
mended).
6. A Horse Whip (same with which Editor said he flogged General
Dodge).
7. Another Horse Whip (same with which General Dodge said he
flogged Editor). These two will be sold in one lot.
8. A Cask of Tar-good for Abolitionists.
9. The Feathers out of Four Feather-Beds--ditto, ditto.
10. Curious Recipes for Brandy Cocktail, Whisky Stingers, and
Gin Trumps.
11. A Pair of Bloomer's Pantilettes.
12. A Bad Dollar, and
13. A Worn-out Pen.
Sale to commence at noon, and no revolvers allowed till a quarter
past.

TABLE OF THE PROBABLE DURATION OF LIFE.
(The number 20 being taken as representing the chance
of living longest).
VEGETARIA. 5
Fox-hunter .. 15
Soldier in the Line 9
Guardsman 19.
Railway Traveller 12
Ditto, on the Midland Counties' Railway .
Habituc of the Legitimate Drama I
Husband of a "Bloomer" (unless he runs away from her) 1
Member of Parliament 15
Reader of Parliamentary Debates 5
Reader of the Comic Alaanack* 20
NoTE.-If a purchaser also, the chance is enormously increased, and, for all practical
purposes, may be regarded as a certainty.-PunBLsHIa.







380 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [T852.

THE RIDDLER.
THE following queries are proposed for solution by some of our
ingenious readers. Answers must be enclosed to the publisher on
or before the first of April next. Fifty copies of the Comic Almanack
(equivalent to a permanent provision for the receiver for life, with
handsome reversions to his posterity), will be presented to any one
who shall answer the whole correctly. We might have hesitated in
making so stupendous an offer, but felt that the world required for
the year 1852 some universal excitement, rather superior to that
occasioned by the Exhibition of 1851.
CHARADE.
My first young ladies do at balls.
My second will destroy St. Paul's,
My whole on Temple-Bar was seen,
The day Prince Albert wed the Queen.
LAURA.
ANOTHER.
The earth did my first, and the sky did my second,
When the Census throughout the three kingdoms was reckoned,
When the sky does my first, and the earth does my whole,
My second will join the Equator and Pole.
SEMAJ.
A THIRD.
Miss Rose gave my first to my second (her lover),
My third made Miss Rose what you'll please to discover.
WOPS BORSHON.
REBUS.
An electrical agent, an over-ripe pear, a wooden leg, Mr. Dickens'
best novel, half a dragon, a scapegrace, a young frog, an easy-chair,
a French divine, a celebrated map, part of a lady's dress, a London
club, and the sixth of a Knight of the Garter. The initials describe
what the reader is, the finals what he may be if he likes, and the
middle letter what he can never be, though his father was, and his
child must be.
LILLY.
ANOTHER.
A man, a can, a fan, Ann, to scan, a plan-their equivalents
represent the four elements in agitation, and spelt backwards,
describe the most pleasing object in the Great Exhibition. Omitting
Ann and the fan, the equivalents prophesy what theatre will next
be burned down.
INGENIOUS MARY.








1852.] THE RIDDLER. 301
ARITHMETICAL PUZZLE.
I am engaged to a young lady, who will not tell me her age, but
says that if I measure her arm (which is a very pretty one) above
the elbow, and multiply the number of inches by the number of the
Royal Family (in 1851), and then divide by the number of perfection,
I shall discover her age. As I know a shorter way, I hand over the
puzzle to my readers.
JUNIUS
CONUNDRUMS.
I.
What is that which if you stamp upon it, appears above your
head, and if you blow upon it, vanishes ?
II.
Why is the late Lord Mayor like the Crystal Fountain?
In.
Why must John Knox have been the last man in the world to
eat a lobster P
Iv.
Why is the Earl of Zetland (the Grand Freemason of England),
when he wears a waistcoat which his family think unbecoming to
him, like a postage stamp from which the adhesive stuff has been
licked off by a tortoiseshell kitten P
V.
If you went through the Lowther Arcade in company with the
inventor of the Marine Telegraph, and saw an old lady's back hair
coming down, why would you be obliged to ask him to tell her of it
in Arabic or Chinese ?
VI.
If Peeping Tom of Coventry were to put on the Bloomer Costume,
and be carried in a sedan chair, by two black men, from the Marble
Arch to the Menai Bridge, why would he resemble Mr. Macaulay,
on a snowy day, and with an achromatic telescope in his left hand,
taking shelter about eleven o'clock in a pastrycook's shop any-
where in the City P
DESDEMONA B.
ANAGRAMS.
Names of Politicians. Names of Singers.
Confidence shaken. Ah! 0 'xtortionate.
He made a mull. Not worth salt.
Terms--give place. Sick ? 0 sans doubt
Trusted, time past. Yes. Envy, scoffs, vile O.








382 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1852.

Names of Preachers. Names of Actresses.
White Brow in mirror. Nice scented veil.
Do come in Broughams. Who more smart
More bigot. No. Silly, him in Guards.
Rantipole, he! Neat in the calf.
SIPSEHT.
TRANSPOSITIONS.
I.
Transpose Jos. Paxton, Knight, Gardener," and you may de-
scribe what he would have been if Mrs. Graham had smashed the
transept with her balloon.
II.
A transposition of one of the Prince of Wales's titles will give
the three prettiest Christian names for ladies.
II.
You may transpose a line in the second verse of the National
Anthem, until you make something which Dr. Bull little dreamed
of when composing it.
P. PILLICODDY.
FINAL BLAZE OF GLORY.
(Our own Riddle).
Take the year of the Plague, and the month of the Fire,
Take Phoebus-Apollo, with hand on his lyre,
Take a Jew's famous eye, and the eye of the Pope,
And a building where foolish young novices mope,
And a sprat (but alive), and the name of a town,
And a greenhorn by sharpers done awfully brown,
A tree without bark, and a play without plot,
SAnd that isle where as yet Uncle Sam reigneth not,
Take a maid who's had warning, a gun without powder,
The word that makes Englishmen prouder and prouder,
Pick from each but one letter-it lies in the middle,
You'll find what you'll be when you find out this riddle.








1852.]


OUR ADVERTISING COLUMN.

DEPRESSION IN THE LEGAL PROFESSION.-In con-
sequence of the opening of the County Courts, the undersigned begs to state
that his charges will be found strictly moderate, and if his speeches be not ap-
proved of, the money will be returned. Come early. This is the shop for cheap
Law I Now's your time I No reasonable offer will be refused.
LITTL'ETON BLUEBAG.

JOHN TICK, Clockmaker to the King of Loo Choo (by appoint-
ment), and Watchmaker to the heir apparent of the King of the Cannibal
Islands (by appointment), begs to call attention to his Ne-plus-ultra never-say-die
Watch. Goes for ever without winding up-the glass can't break-it strikes with
a cathedral tone, and plays the Row Polka, and the Dead Waltz in Saul, every
alternate quarter of an hour-never needs cleaning, and the general idea of the
whole is so bright, that the dial can always be seen distinctly in the dark. N.B.
This Watch would have carried off a Council medal, had it not been for the maker
not sending it to the Exhibition.

FURNISHED APARTMENTS, within five minutes' walk of the
Bank, the Horse Guards, the Lambeth Union, and the Small Pox Hospital.
The lodger would have the use of the mangle. Partial Board if required. Half
a slice of bread for breakfast, and the run of the cruet-stand for dinner. No at-
tendance, but the lodger will be allowed to ring the bell as much as he pleases.
Apply to Mr. Smith, London.

TO THE BENEVOLENT.-An appeal is confidently made on
behalf of a Young Gentleman, whose cruel and unnatural father allows him
only 100 a year until he does something for himself. The merest trifle-30s. a-
week-will be thankfully received, and gratuities above '20 will be acknowledged
by a dinner at Verey's, to which the donor will not be asked, but at which his
health will be drank. Address Hex Why Zed, Cyder Cellars.
(Not to be repeated.)


TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS.-The thinnings of a
rough young Birch Wood are on Sale. Also a cargo of Bamboos, just
arrived from the Mauritius. Tawse of superior Leather, with the ends of the
tails carefully burnt, are also constantly on Sale. Apply at Floggum Hall, Clapham.

TO THOSE AFFLICTED WITH DEAFNESS.-The Adver-
Stisers offers comfortable Board and Lodging to Ladies and Gentlemen suf-
fering as above, in his own private family circle. The great advantage to be found
in the arrangement will be, that neither he, his wife, his eight daughters, or his
seven sons, ever say, or can be expected to say, anything.

Worth hearing-Address to the Ofice of this Newspaper.
FRENCH IN A QUARTER OF AN HOUR, AND GERMAN
SIN TWENTY MINUTES.-CRAM's NEW METHOD. "Do youunderstand
French ?" I understand it, but do not speak it." How often do we hear this
reply. Professor CRAM asSures his Friends and intending Pupils that in ffteen
minutes he will make them speak French as perfectly as they understand it.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


OUR OWN PRESIDENT OF FRANCE.
THE shadow of a coming event has fallen upon the opposite page
and stayed there. It represents the triumphal entry into Pans of
M. Julhen, chosen as President of the Republic, Leader of its
Armies, Composer of its strifes, Conductor of its Bands, and in
general, National First Fiddle.
The French having tried all manner of governments and all
classes of rulers, and not liking any of them, will naturally, in their
pursuit of harmony, turn to one of its most celebrated professors.
M. Jullien, on the 1st of April, will issue two public manifestoes,
expressive of his political creed:-" The Universal Suffrage Polka,
with ballot-box and kettledrum accompaniment;" and "The
Libert1, Egalitg, et Fraternit Quadrilles," in which all the second
and third fiddles will play the first parts, the piccolos will produce
the sound of ophicleides, and any instrument will be at liberty to
play anything it pleases; all this in token of the equalization of
society, and the freedom of action to be accorded under the new
regime. The time in which this Quadrille will be arranged is the
Good Time Coming, which may be reckoned a very slow movement,
seeing how long it takes to arrive.
These magnificent political morceaux having been duly con-
sidered by the people of France, whistled by all the boys, and
danced to at all the casinos-the cry of Jullien for President"
will become all but universal. The Elys6e will be frantic, the
Orleanists furious, and the Legitimists in despair. Louis Napo-
leon's friends will meditate a coup d'dtat, for the purpose of securing
all the silver plate in France; but which will be defeated by the
counter operations of a conspiracy for the abolition of taxes, and
for giving every Frenchman, above the age of twenty-one and un-
tainted by crime, a salary of 5000 francs per annum, to be paid
quarterly by the government. In the midst of these conflicting
movements of party, the grapd day of election will take place, and
the following will be the state of the poll:-
Jullien 9,999,999
Louis Napoleon 1
Prince de Joinville 1
Duke de Chambord 1
Each of the three latter gentlemen having voted for himself. France
will be immediately thrown into a state of rapturous delight, and
the new President will land at Boulogne from four steamboats, the
band playing the Row Polka, which will be adopted, till they get
another, as the national anthem of France. What the triumphal
entry into the capital will be, is made manifest on the opposite
page. Welcomed by the universal voice of Paris, in one grand
concert monstre-the democrats the basses, the quondam Buona-
partists the tenors, the quondam Legitimists the counter tenors,
and all their wives and daughters the sopranos and contraltos-
then there will commence in France the harmonious reign of
M. Jullien-the President, without a precedent.


[1852.






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