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 The comic almanack for 1849
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The Comic almanack
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00015
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1849
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00015

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image
    Title Page
        Title Page
    The comic almanack for 1849
        Unnumbered ( 10 )
        Projected lines to run through all almanacks
            Page 252
        Fashions for 1849
            Page 253
        Dream of the year
            Page 254
            Image
            Page 255
        Railway trip in the autumn of 1848 in search of the picturesque
            Page 256
            Page 257
            Page 258
            Page 259
            Page 260
        Emigration carried to an absurd extent
            Page 261
        Syren and the philosopher : a marine duet
            Page 262
            Page 263
        Incredible testimonial - the Earl of Oldbuffough's daughter's doll
            Page 264
            Page 265
        Astleys historical questions
            Page 266
            Page 267
        Apollo arrested by a writ
            Page 267
            Page 268
        Conscience money
            Page 268
        Things that are indispensable for a gentleman's pocket
            Page 269
        Pocket book picked up in the great desert
            Page 270
            Page 271
        Capital offenders
            Page 272
        Extensive order
            Page 273
        What do all Englishmen take off their hats to?
            Page 273
            Page 274
            Page 275
        Squibs in statues
            Page 276
        Valuable advice
            Page 276
            Image
            Page 277
            Page 278
            Page 279
        Play - bill dialogues
            Page 279
        Education on the "mutual advantage" system
            Page 279
        Pretty little puzzles to puzzle pretty little puzzlers
            Page 280
            Page 281
            Page 282
        Military game of goose
            Page 283
        Tales of a landlord
            Page 284
        Song of the knocker
            Page 285
            Page 286
            Page 287
            Page 288
            Page 289
            Page 290
        Rules and regulations for the conduct of strangers visiting London
            Page 291
            Page 292
        Domestic manners and customs of the Bedouin Arabs
            Image
            Page 292
            Page 293
            Page 294
        Dreadful case of poisoning or another of my husbands stupid jokes which he thinks are so clever
            Page 295
            Page 296
            Page 297
        Frightful state of things if female agitation is allowed only for a minute
            Page 298
            Image
            Page 299
            Page 300
            Page 301
            Page 302
            Image
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text
















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NOTICE.


The FIRST SERIES of THE COMIC ALMANACK"
from 1835 to 1843, a nine years' gathering of the BEST
HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest Quips, and the
Best Things of THACKERAY, HOOD, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH,
A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Wood-
cuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE,
LANDELLS-

may now be had of the Publisher, crown 8vo, 600 pp.,
price 7s. 6d.

SThe First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise
THE COMPLETE WORK, extendingfrom 1835 to 1853.






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THE


COMIC


ALMANAC.


2ND SERIES, 1844-1853.











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THE


COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
T-HE BROTHERS MAYHEW.



:tI T'


"THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.-INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE 1ST FOOT."

igity mang unbnkb llastrations
4B Y GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

SECOND SERIES, 1844-1853.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDAN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.
'NEW YOK : SCRIBNER. WELFORD AND CO.















THE


COMIC


ALMANAC


FOR 1849.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


PROJECTED LINES
TO RUN THROUGH ALL ALMANACKS.

MOVEABLE FEASTS.-The greatest one on record is the Barmecide
Feast of Sancho Panza.
FAsT-DAYs.-Greenwich Fair at Easter and Whitsuntide, the
Derby, the Thames Regatta, balloon days at Cremorne, and mas-
querade mornings at Jullien's.


/ -'


CAIVABSING THE LITVEY.


MICHAELMAS DAY.-Election of the Lord Mayor-Moses takes
his measure, and rushes home to cut up the goose.
LEAP YEA~.-It takes three springs to make one leap year.
PuRImcATIoN.-It is very curious that the very day after Candle-
mas should be the anniversary of a Blaize."
HOLIDAY AT CHANCE. OFFICES.-The English of Chance. is
Chancery.
Low SUNDAY.-Boating on the Thames, or riding in the Park on
a hired horse.
OLD MAY DAY.-An exiled Pole in England.
LENT.-To ascertain its beginning and end, you have only to
become security for a friend at a Loan Office.
BARTHOLOMEw.-One of the reduced fairs.







FASHIONS FOR 1849.


COaISTMAs.-The Earl of A-db-r-gh presents all his servants with
Christmas Boxes-of Holloway's pills.
OLD LAuY-DAY.-The only lady whose age is known to a day.

















THIS IS WHAT LADIES CALL A MInIATURE BBOOCH III

FASHIONS FOR 1849.
T.P rage for flounces in ladies' dresses will grow deeper and
deeper. Two noble Duchesses will compete as to the greater
number. They will continue each time bidding one flounce over one
another, till their dresses will be nothing but flounces. The fashion
.is evidently borrowed from the hackney-coachman's cape.


PORTRAIT Of A LADY OF RANK AS SHE WILL APPEAR AT THE HORTICULTURAL PETE
NEXT YEAR.
Gentlemen's fashions will remain just the same, that is to say, as
ugly as ever.







254 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [I049,


A DREAM OF THE YEAR.
(AFTER PLANCIE'S DJEDALUS.")

















I'M in such a flutter I scarcely can utter
The words to my tongue that come dancing-come dancing-
I've had such a dream, that it really must seem
To a telegraph e'en like romancing-romancing;
I must have got frisky on Kinahan's whisky,
Although I don't wish you to blab it-to blab it;
Or else 'twas a question of slight indigestion,
Through eating too much of Welsh rabbit-Welsh rabbit.

I dreamt Lord John Russell was dining with Fussell,
To meet Louis Blanc and Alboni-Alboni,
When Feargus O'Connor declared, on his honour,
He'd only had half a polony-polony.
On which all the Chartists and Suffolk Street artists
Ran off to the train and got in it-got in it,
In spite of their fears of the new engineers,
Who blew up a boiler a minute-a minute.

On this, Ben Disraeli, who'd burnt the Old Bailey,
Declined being paid for his trouble-his trouble;
And ran in a funk to the Joss on the junk,
To prove Schleswig-Holstein a bubble-a bubble.
So Barb6s and Blanqui both looked very cranky,
Because Jenny Lind chose to marry-to marry;
But Thackeray cried, If you bother the bride,
I'll wed her at once to John Parry-John Parry."
















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.YritA 5izrZioament


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A DREAM OF THE YEAR.


I next had a row, I can scarcely tell how,
With Van Amburgh for showing his lion-his lion,
And stealing a sack from the widow Cormack,
In which she had popp'd Smith O'Brien-O'Brien;
When Soyer came up with a Summerley cup,
Just purchased at Stowe for a shilling-a shilling,
And told the inspector he'd give him some nectar,
Provided they came to no killing-no killing.

Then Anstey arose, and he took off his clothes,
To prepare for a six months' oration-oration;
When Monsieur Dumas said he was but an ass,
To bathe in the Hyde Park stagnation-stagnation.











POUB-WAsEBD--,- FOU-ARMED.

On which hurry-scurry they flew in a hurry,
To shut Mrs. Gore in the Tower-the Tower-
With Juba and Pell, to amuse her as well,
Whilst she wrote fifteen novels an hour-an hour.

But Charles Dickens caught up a plate quick as thought,
And made it spin round on his finger-his finger:
Till Wellington came, and observing his game,
Was afraid any longer to linger-to linger.
So Gilbert A'Beckett swore he would soon check it,
And drew up a statement confessing-confessing,
That all he had done had been nothing but fun,
So Wakley might give him his blessing-his blessing.

I next heard a scream, and a whistle and gleam,
A racketing noise and a humming-a humming;
And then an increase of the railway police
Proved Mr. G. Hudson was coming-was coming.
As he aimed at my head I jumped clean out of bed,
For I knew he would give me no quarter-no quarter;
And a knock at the door as I fell on the floor
Show'd the servant had brought my hot water-hot water.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


A RAILWAY TRIP IN THE AUTUMN OF 1848 IN
SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE.
IT is not so easy to find the New Waterloo Terminus of the
South-Western Railway, but, by dint of innumerable halfpence to
innumerable little boys, and chartering several policemen, we
found it at last. It is a good day's walk from Waterloo Bridge-
that is to say, if you cross the river
in the morning, you may reach it 11
before the evening; even then you
will require to have a guide, or
else you will infallibly pass it -
without ever suspecting that tre- -e -
mendous high wall, with a lamp-
TEE TERMINUS OF THE SOUTH-
post growing out of the top, is WESTERN RAILWAY.
The architecture of the terminus partakes very largely of the
impromptu Baud-box Order. The offices must have been designed
Sby the architect who ran up in
S one day the House of Commons tn 1.
Committee Rooms. You imagine z
innumerable floors must have ,
~ been torn up, for all the works
("3 published at this office are bound -
in strong boards. However,
t they look very light and airy,
Though hardly adapted, we S
Should say, to stand against a
strong wind. It would be a
curious sight to see, some day "
next March, a covey of railway i L1
offices winging their way down i %.
the Strand in the direction of
m, Birdcage Walk. i
But the railway is whistling ~
to us. Suppose we take a four-
penny trip down the line to view
the

[\i;J ^ SPLENDID SCENERY FROM WATERLOO < l
SBBIDGE TO NINE-ELMS. o
We believe there is nothing "
like it in the world, excepting ,
the Blackwall line. 0 ii "
We will jot down right and _
K left the principal beauties that
S most enchant ut on this pictu- .
resque little railway, which is
certainly the most laconic line


[1849.







1849.] A RAILWAY TRIP IN THE AUTUMN OF 1848. 257
that was ever sent through the electric post by one company to
another.
We are sitting with our backs (though, by-the-bye, we have. but
one back) to the New Cut; the fertile district of Lambeth is on
one side, the milky river on the other.
We were quite taken aback with the immense forest of
chimneys which the engine cuts
through like so much brush
wood; they seem to be the only
vegetation of the place. It is
easy to distinguish the chimneys
| ]that have been recently stacked
? from those of previous years' ,
fa crops. A curious windmill, sup- "
o z posed to have attained the age
of three hundred and twenty, S
meets the left eye. It is quite
the Methuselah of windmills.
Cockney artists come from far
,"/' s itand near to ask it to give them
a sitting.
Your right eye will not fail to
light up with the group of merry
Snipers that are sitting on the
roof of the "Duke of Welling-
o 2 ton." Their bright tankards
Sparkle in the sun, with which \
They moisten their respective -
clays. They present a pleasing
picture of the happy peasantry
of the suburbs. One laughing
fellow presents his tankard to
us, but we are obliged to refuse
it, from the reason that the rail-
way will not stop to allow us to
z take it.
An immense volume of smoke
i from a supposed brewery, though
the perfume from the brewery is "
not particularly hoppy, is at the
< t present moment delivered to the
A public in numbers. The passen-
ger, if he is wise, will shut his
eyes, and not open them again till be sees that it has quite
blown over.
A magpie in a wicker cage, suspended from an attic window,
is worth the passing sympathy of the third-class passenger. The
first-class ditto can have no sympathy, from the obvious fact that
he cannot see anything (MEM. To enjoy nature, there is nothing
like the third-class; to enjoy a good snooze, there is nothing like
S







258 THE COMIC ALMANAC [11849.

the first.) We do not envy that poor magpie, with the engine
rushing by him all day long. See how he crouches into the corner
of his prison! And hark! he has learnt the railway whistle.
Wretched bird! thou canst not have a pleasant life of it. How
willingly, methinks, thou wouldst hop the twig, if thou couldst!
But what is that? It looks like a large game of scratch-
cradle-but no, it isn't-it is
merely the top of a gas factory.
We wonder if they take off the ~ /
Slides of those immense black V
cauldrons, when they want to
; see how the pot boils ?
Behold how contentedly that
man is smoking his pipe, with
S his bare arms resting on the par- o
Sapet of the railway, as if it were
a cushion. The train rushes
Screaming by him, but not an
eye winks, not a nerve shakes.
SThe pipe still hangs from the
lips of that iron man-well
adapted to live so close and be, J
a railway sleeper. By-the-bye, ,
Sit cannot be pleasant to have
an engine almost touching your
bedroom window whilst you are
Shaving! e
Look to your right, you will
see the Houses of Parliament,
the Barrycade of Westminster .
that has now been up for six e
years, and likely to remain up
t for thirty more. The bird you
see on the top is a crane. It 5
Sis sacred hereabouts, and is high-
Sway robbery if any one attempts
to dislodge it.
S The Thames is worth looking '
Sat; but you must be quick, for =
unless you look down that nar-
row street before the train passes I I -
h it, you will not see it. The silver I
speck-like a half-crown-you
see at the end of that lane is the Thames.
Turn quick to the left; you will perceive what an English-
man most delights in-a fight.
Bah! you're too late; the Policeman has emerged from some
invisible spot, and the fights adjourned. One man in blue'disperses
five hundred Britons.








1849.] A RAILWAY TRIP IN THE AUTDMN OF 1848. 259

You will see plenty of English Interiors on each side of the
country. They display all varieties of paper, mostly at a half-
penny a yard. How desolate the fireplaces look, and yet they are
interesting, as the last abiding-places of the grate must always
,be.
How ferocious those chimneys look !-they give you quite a
turn. Hurrah! now we ap-
___ proach Vauxhall! At night you
can see the fireworks for nothing.
Sometimes they drop in also
upon you. A Roman wheel oc-
casionally visits the first-class
Carriage, when he proves a very








L troublesome visitor, and which '
no one likes to turn out. The (
sticks-the departed ghosts of
f the short-lived rockets-think
nothing of falling down upon the
j third-class passengers. But in







S the day-time you have nothing
of these entertainments. All
you see is the shell of the
pagoda peeping through the
trees, or an artist busy in
veneering ham for the sandwiches; or you may get a small
view of the airy abode of II Diavolo, who led such a wire-drawn
existence.
Holla! there's a cab coming over Vauxhall Bridge, and a
steamer going underneath it. The horse still carries it over steam
occasionally.
Now, you have reached the Vauxhall terminus. But which
s2







THE COMIC ALMANAC.

is the way out There, down
that trap. Why, it looks like the


[1849.


w ( ccabin of a steamer; but it isn't. j :
J Venture down it-it only takes
1 you into the cellar, for the pas-
sengers at this station are shot b
< out through a dry arch. But
this species of exit-underhand "
as it is-is not half so perplexing
as the one at Waterloo Bridge
C' i -as they will persist in calling
S the terminus -though never
were Directors so far out in their calculations. Here, asyou rush
in a hurry to discover the exit, you are stopped by the following
directions:-

i=aTHE WAY OUT





Well, how have you enjoyed your trip ? Only consider the
variegated landscape, the picturesque scenery, the wonderful insight
into the domestic habits of the natives, which you have just en-
joyed in your delightful little trip of three minutes' rapid flight
over roof and chimneys, from Waterloo Bridge to Nine Elms.
If you are a real lover of nature, you will never forget it as long
as you live.






RAILWAY PORTRAITS, TAKEN AT THE RATE OF TIFTY MILES AN HOUO













EMIGRATION CARRIED TO AN ABSURD EXTENT.

on,


YWIDDICJXBB SITTING AXONGST THR RUINS OF LONDON.


AN ASYLUM FOR STRANDED PASSENGERS.-The Lowther Arcade
has been called the Gents' Umbrella. Might it not also be called
the Ladies' Parasol ?


THE HAUNT OP THE REINDEBE.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE SYREN AND THE PHILOSOPHER.
A MARINE DUET.













SYmEN. Here beneath the deep blue waters
Where the sea-plants twist and curl,
And the ocean's loveliest daughters
Dwell in palaces of pearl,
Come unto me. I've a notion
That for those of mortal birth
Fairer far must be the ocean
Than the dry and stupid earth.

PmIL. No, fair Peri; I have lectured
On each scientific theme,
And propounded, and conjectured-
Showed the air-pump, gas, and steam.
But, to make my story shorter,
I was taught, e'en in my teens,
When the nose is under water
Suffocation supervenes.

SniR.s Golden hallswith diamonds dusted
Shall rejoice thy wondering eyes.
PHM. No, with barnacles encrusted,
There each foundered treasure lies.
SYREN. Every costly jewel twinkles
In the ocean's caverns green.
PHIL. No, there's naught but weeds and winkles
On those rocks that I have seen.

SYirE. Daintiest food, my mortal lover
I will bring thee with this hand.
PHL No, I fear I should discover
'Midst the viands too much sand.







THE SYREN AND THE PHILOSOPHER.


STYEN. I will love thee well and dearly,
Sing thee songs of music rare.
PHIL. No, acoustics prove most clearly
Sound exists alone in air.

SYREN. Sea-born nymphs shall serve your table-
Syrens of the fairest mien.
PHIL. I assure you 'tis a fable,
Mermaids yet have ne'er been seen.
One there was in Piccadilly,
Half a fish, and half an ape;
You must think me very silly
To believe in such a shape.

SYREN. Horrid science! ever giving
Negatives to fancies fair;
Yet, if I can't have thee living-
Dead, my kingdom you shall share.
I will raise the waters o'er thee;
See, they rise! you have no boat.
PHIL. But I swim away before thee,
Furnished with a Patent Float!









A LITTLE DIETERENCE BETWEEN THEM.
Bagman (with his bill). "I say, waiter, haven't you charged me
as a gentleman P"
Waiter. "Oh! no,-as a commercial traveller, sir."

To DESCRIBE A CIRCLE ROUND A GIVEN POINT.-Get into a cab,
and order the driver to take you to the Bank of England.

How TO SEE JENNY LINE's PORTRAIT.-Visit an affected mother;
let the subject of your conversation be the Opera, and she is sure
to introduce one of her daughters who is universally acknowledged
to be the exact picture of Jenny Lind."


I849.]







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


INCREDIBLE TESTIMONIAL.
THE EARL OF OLDBUFFOUGH'S DAUGHTER'S DOLL
CURED BY THE USE OF
HOLLOWAY'S OINTMENT, ROWLAND'S KALYDOR AND MACASSAR,
GRIMSTONE'S EYE SNUFF,
PARR'S LIFE PILLS, STOLBERG'S VOICE LOZENGES, ETC.


MOERISON'S PILLS-A GREAT REDUCTION OX TAKING A QUANTITY.
EXTRACT from an interesting Letter from Lady AMELIA (the lovely Daughter
of the venerable Earl of OLDBUFFOUGH) to her Cousin, Lady ARAMIUTA
LAMB.
NAPLES, 9th of October, 1848.
M DEAREST, DEAREST, DEAREST, EVER FONDEST ARAINxTA,-On my
arrival here I was so sorry to learn that my darling doll had been thrown
out of the carriage, and sadly hurt by the fall; but I must tell you, first of
all, she had been terribly upset by the shaking of the steam-vessel, for she
tumbled out of her berth, and it was a thousand mercies she was not smashed
into a thousand pieces. As it was, the shock was too much for her delicate
nerves, and she was laid up for a month in a drawer. Her beautiful ringlets
(auburn, you will recollect) all fell off. Her lovely complexion had completely
gone from dropping into the sea, and her pretty eyelids, once so quick, would
neither open nor shut, though I tried pins and everything I could think of to
make her open them. Oh, Araminta darling, believe me when I assure you
I was tossed about so madly that I was completely bouleversd.
"I was quite distracted with the fearful change. I called in the assistance
of the most experienced Italian doll-makers, but their remedies were unavailing.
My little pet gradually got worse, when mamma's French. maid, Smith, per-








1849.] HOW STARS ARE DISCOVERED. 265\

suaded me to apply to my sister's toilet-table for restoratives. After several
applications of Macassar Oil to her bald head, I cannot tell you how delighted
I was to perceive the hair beginning to grow again. I jumped for joy. I
was quite a little mad thing for the space of ten minutes! But I persevered,
and now (thanks be to that sweet Rowland) her ringlets are just as beautiful
as ever, with this slight difference, that they are now jet black instead of the
light auburn they formerly were. The little dear looks all the better for the
change of hair. Still its complexion was so very bad, 1 did not like to take
her out with me into society at all. Smith again, like a good creature,
recommended me to try some of Rowland's Kalydor. I did. I washed the
darling's face with it every morning for a week, and you
will scarcely believe it, but it is no story, when I assure
you that my doll has quite resumed her pristine bloom,
and is now as pure and as lovely as ever. But her eyes
pained me the most, so I made bold to ask Sir John LO
Sheepshanks, who never travels without Holloway's Oint-
ment, to oblige me with a little bit. He gave me as
much as would cover your tongue, and, before putting her ME
to bed, I placed it over her eyelids, and the next morning
gave her a good pinch of Grimstone's Eye Snuff, when,
upon pulling the strings, will you credit me on my word,
my dearest Araminta, when I inform you that her eyelids
opened and shut just as well as when my dear papa gave
me the beautiful doll on my birthday. I was going to give
her a small box (price lls.) of Parr's Life Pills, but Smith
assured me she would probably come alive, and I was
frightened, as we have no nurserymaid here to attend to -
her. My doll is now quite a new creature, and I should TE HUM' OP EN."
advise you, Minta dearest, to try the same remedies, if ever you find yours
looking faint, or losing her colour, or growing old.
Toute a toi, mia amica cara Minta,
AMELIA.
"I forgot to tell you, that my sweet pet also lost her voice from catching
cold rather late one night at the Opera. 1 gave her half a dozen of Stolberg's
Voice Lozenges, and now she says 'Pa' and Ma' more distinctly than ever.
You recollect, too, her voice was a deep baritone. It has changed to the-most
beautiful falsetto! Isn't it wonderful?"


HOW STARS ARE DISCOVERED.
Moxs. ARAGO says:-" Talking of the new fashion of discovering stars:-
there's my friend Millevoye, who wrote to me post-haste one morning to say,
he had just discovered two new stars! Now, one star is enough at any time,
but two were so surprising in my eyes, that I rushed to him immediately to
see if there was anything in them. Come, my dear Millevoye,' I said, 'can
you look me in the face and say you have discovered two new stars?' 'I
can,' he said boldly, and he turned his eyes full upon mine. The absurdity
of the thing flashed so ridiculously upon me that I could not help laughing-
the double discovery was at once apparent-for t1hepoorfellowo squinted. Take
my word, never believe in a new star till you have seen it yourself."







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


ASTLEY'S HISTORICAL QUESTIONS.

MA-Y of us owe to a visit to Astley's our earliest initiation into
the mysteries of histories; and we
are of opinion that a set of ques-
tions should be framed in accord-
ance with these grand dog-mata-or
horse-mata, as a maliciously-dis-
posed person might call them-
which we have gleaned from the
boards of that great equestrian
establishment. The arena of the
circus is not a mere desert of sand
or sawdust to him who looks at
it with an intelligent eye, for many
a wise saw may be picked up from
the aforesaid sawdust, if the eye
itself does not disdain the humility
of the pupil. We subjoin a few
specimens of the sort of questions
and answers that would be found
to meet the case, if we looked at
history through some of Astley's
grand spectacles.
Q. How was the battle of Waterloo
decided ?
A. By six Scotch Greys popping
out from under two trusses of straw
HisoBicAL PORBTAiT o oBsDS. beautifully divided into six, and
representing about half a pint of standing corn," from which the
gallant fellows emerged in time to discomfit" eight French
cuirassiers, who retired before the battery of the flats of the
enemy's swords upon their highly polished breast-plates.
Q. How did Napoleon succeed in crossing the Alps ?
A. He was carried across in an open boat on the backs of four
supernumeraries.
Q. In what manner did the Emperor travel to Russia ?
A. In a pasteboard hackney-coach, gorgeously emblazoned with
Dutch metal, and which had been discovered among the rich relies
of barbarism used for the old melodrama of Xaia of China.
Q. How did the Duke of Wellington behave at Waterloo P
A. He never spoke a single word, but pranced about, looking un-
utterable things, on a piebald charger.
Q. To what are our successes in India attributable ?
A. To Lady Sale having surmounted an extensive range of plat-
forms on a highly trained steed, and called upon the whole strength
of the company, with a numerous train of auxiliaries," to advance


[1849.







APOLLO ARRESTED BY A WRIT.


for the honour of Old England," while the Dand in the orchestra
played "Rule Britannia."
Q. Mention some prominent points connected with the burning
of Moscow P
A. There were several terrific bangs, which had the effect of
throwing a red glare over the whole scene; and several of the public
buildings fell like the flap of a dining-table, showing underneath a
very ruinous state of things; while the inhabitants appeared to be
indulging themselves in letting off squibs and crackers into the air
for the purpose of heightening the horrors of the conflagration.
Q. What became of Napoleon's trusty Mameluke P
A. On the last occasion that he took a part in public affairs he
was recognized as a baker who had been just pillaged and pummelled
by the clown in a pantomime.
Q. State some of te most striking peculiarities of the late Emperor
Napoleon P
A. He chiefly depended for his advice on the "ferry-man" of his
army; he took immense quantities of "property" snuff from a
"practicable" snuff-box; he granted long interviews to "females in
distress," and finished every alternate speech he made by declaring
himself the son of destinie."



APOLLO ARRESTED BY A WRIT.

IT was said of a certain officer of a certain sheriff, nihil etigit
quod non ornavit," which means that it was really an honour to
receive a tap on the shoulder at his hands, and we have no doubt
that even a writ wo ad have acquired from his peculiar touch a grace
and a dignity. We know there is nothing that may not be elevated
by poetry, and we have endeavoured therefore to force the Muses
into the service of a writ for the purpose of investing it with a new
charm, and giving it what it ougt to possess-a taking character,
in place of the old prosaic form, which is repulsive rather than attrac-
tive, and instead of enabling every one who runs to read, causes every
one who reads to run. We would throw it into verse, and, by giving
it poetical feet, place it on quite a new footing:-

Oh, come to me where Denman sits.
Victoria unto thee
Sends greeting, from her store of writs,
The one which now you see.

Within eight days we do command
(I'll own the time is short),
At Westminster, you'll understand,
You must appear in court.


1849:]







APOLLO ARRESTED BY A WRIT.


for the honour of Old England," while the Dand in the orchestra
played "Rule Britannia."
Q. Mention some prominent points connected with the burning
of Moscow P
A. There were several terrific bangs, which had the effect of
throwing a red glare over the whole scene; and several of the public
buildings fell like the flap of a dining-table, showing underneath a
very ruinous state of things; while the inhabitants appeared to be
indulging themselves in letting off squibs and crackers into the air
for the purpose of heightening the horrors of the conflagration.
Q. What became of Napoleon's trusty Mameluke P
A. On the last occasion that he took a part in public affairs he
was recognized as a baker who had been just pillaged and pummelled
by the clown in a pantomime.
Q. State some of te most striking peculiarities of the late Emperor
Napoleon P
A. He chiefly depended for his advice on the "ferry-man" of his
army; he took immense quantities of "property" snuff from a
"practicable" snuff-box; he granted long interviews to "females in
distress," and finished every alternate speech he made by declaring
himself the son of destinie."



APOLLO ARRESTED BY A WRIT.

IT was said of a certain officer of a certain sheriff, nihil etigit
quod non ornavit," which means that it was really an honour to
receive a tap on the shoulder at his hands, and we have no doubt
that even a writ wo ad have acquired from his peculiar touch a grace
and a dignity. We know there is nothing that may not be elevated
by poetry, and we have endeavoured therefore to force the Muses
into the service of a writ for the purpose of investing it with a new
charm, and giving it what it ougt to possess-a taking character,
in place of the old prosaic form, which is repulsive rather than attrac-
tive, and instead of enabling every one who runs to read, causes every
one who reads to run. We would throw it into verse, and, by giving
it poetical feet, place it on quite a new footing:-

Oh, come to me where Denman sits.
Victoria unto thee
Sends greeting, from her store of writs,
The one which now you see.

Within eight days we do command
(I'll own the time is short),
At Westminster, you'll understand,
You must appear in court.


1849:]







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


It is an action on the case
At Laura Thomson's suit-
Her claims, if you have got the face,
Come forward and dispute.

Take notice, also, by the way,
If this you fail to do,
The aforesaid Laura Thomson may
Appearance make for you;

And then to judgment proceed,
With execution straight.
My friendly counsel prithee heed,
And thus avoid your fate.

Thomas, Lord Denman, you I call
Witness, of learning sober,
At Westminster's historic hall,
This first day of October.

But if, ere four brief days have fled,
The debt and costs be paid,
No further you'll by law be bled-
Proceedings will be stay'd.




CONSCIENCE MONEY.

"A FAST man, who acknowledges having read the 'Co3uc ALMANACK' of
last year through the shop-windows, and is ashamed now of the petty mean-
ness, begs to forward to the Editor, as conscience money, the sum of One
Shilling. The halves of six blue postage-stamps are now enclosed, and the
remaining halves will be forwarded as soon as the first are acknowledged."





[The above have been duly handed over to Mr. Bogue, who has generously
paid the amount into the Poor-box for the Relief of Distressed Jokers-a
most deserving charity.-ED. C. A.]


[i849.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


It is an action on the case
At Laura Thomson's suit-
Her claims, if you have got the face,
Come forward and dispute.

Take notice, also, by the way,
If this you fail to do,
The aforesaid Laura Thomson may
Appearance make for you;

And then to judgment proceed,
With execution straight.
My friendly counsel prithee heed,
And thus avoid your fate.

Thomas, Lord Denman, you I call
Witness, of learning sober,
At Westminster's historic hall,
This first day of October.

But if, ere four brief days have fled,
The debt and costs be paid,
No further you'll by law be bled-
Proceedings will be stay'd.




CONSCIENCE MONEY.

"A FAST man, who acknowledges having read the 'Co3uc ALMANACK' of
last year through the shop-windows, and is ashamed now of the petty mean-
ness, begs to forward to the Editor, as conscience money, the sum of One
Shilling. The halves of six blue postage-stamps are now enclosed, and the
remaining halves will be forwarded as soon as the first are acknowledged."





[The above have been duly handed over to Mr. Bogue, who has generously
paid the amount into the Poor-box for the Relief of Distressed Jokers-a
most deserving charity.-ED. C. A.]


[i849.








1849.] 269

THINGS THAT ARE INDISPENSABLE FOR A
GENTLEMAN'S POCKET.
ADVERTISERS seem to imagine that a gentleman's pocket is as
capacious as a kangaroo's-everything is for the pocket. We sub-
join a few that will go to the bosom of every gentleman, especially
those who have carried them-as the pressure of so many articles
must have been rather inconvenient, if carried in the waistcoat
pocket.
Pocket-comb. Pocket Guide.
Pocket Shakspeare. Pocket Dictionary.
Pocket Map. Pocket Classics.
Pocket Case of Instruments. Pocket Dressing-case.
Pocket Sandwich-box. Pocket Life-preserver.
Pocket Cab and Hackney- Pocket Constable's Staff.
coach Fares. Pocket Respirator, &c., &c.
to say nothing of innumerable Pocket-Books and Pocket Pistols,
the latter of which, we think, a gentleman had better be without.
To contain all the above articles, a gentleman's pocket need be as
large, and packed as close, as a pocket of hops. We shall be having
Houses for the Pocket next! and, who knows, a Pocket Railway?














A POCKET GIETLEMAN.

THE GAME OF FRIGHT.
THIS round game has been played very extensively in France and
other countries this year. In some circles the king has been thrown
out and all the honours put aside, which has increased the fright to
a very great extent, as it was always doubtful what low card would
be the next turn up. Hitherto the clubs have been uppermost, and
the knaves have shared all the spoil; but people are just beginning
to see through the game, and are calling for a fresh pack; so we
hope there will soon be an end to fright.








270 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1849.


A POCKET-BOOK PICKED UP IN THE GREAT
DESERT.

(SUPPOSED TO HAVE BELONGED TO A FASHIONABLE TOURIST.)
THE Great Desert is only solitary confinement applied to travelling.
If you wish to know yourself, travel by yourself; and, egad! you
will never wish to renew the intimacy.
I can't make out the Sphinx; but I suppose it must have been
the first likeness taken in stone. If the Egyptians could not make
better riddles than that, they were perfectly right in never trying
their hands upon another.
They say this place is very romantic; but, on my word, I cannot
see it, and I have looked everywhere. If there be a romance, it can
only be a flying volume of Sand. I recollect my eyes filling several
times, and certainly I cried once till I was nearly blinded; but on
the whole I prefer the Waverly Novels.
If the Pyramids had been in Paris, they would have been broken
long ago for barricades.
We are strange creatures; we leave London because it is empty,
and come to the Great Desert for a change; for myself, I like London
best; there may not be a soul, but you can get a sherry-cobbler,
and there is the waiter at all events to speak to.
What is Society ? Running away from one's self; but here you
only run to meet yourself. You might as well turn hermit, or toll-
man on Southwark Bridge.
I have met with but one sign of civilization since I have been
here, and that was an empty soda-water bottle off Cairo!
I cannot see the fun of climbing up that Great Pyramid. It is
immense labour, and, like an election, is attended with bribery and
corruption at every step, for you have to pay those greedy Moors
before they will give you a hand, or the smallest lift.
I could not help shouting out, as I saw a big fat alderman-looking
fellow going up, "Twopence, Moor, and up goes the donkey !" It
was very vulgar, but I could not help it.
It is time that those forty centuries were relieved. I know of but
one man to do it, and that's Widdicombe.
I am certain solitude begets contempt. If I were to stop here
another day I should positively hate myself.
I had the bump of travelling, but have quite lost it now, after
travelling for a week on a camel.
Stupid people express their astonishment at the quantity of stores
collected by the Egyptians to build the Pyramids, and never bestow
the smallest wonder at the immense collection of dust; and yet the
one is just as wonderful as the other, and, I am sure, much more
difficult to get over.
Decidedly travelling in the plains of Egypt will never be com-
fortable till they introduce watering-carts.







1849.] A POCKET-BOOK PICKED UP IN THE GREAT DESERT. 271

If you wish to ascertain how slowly the sand of human life trickles
through the minute glass, go to the Great Desert. But I suppose
"what must be, must;" in other words, as the Duke of Bedford
would say, "Che Sahara, Sahara." But the proverb is rather
musty.
I wonder they do not lay down a railway here. No elevations
required, no tunnels excepting through the Needles, and Obelisks,
and Tombs; everything is as smooth as a billiard-table; it looks as
if it had been laid down on purpose, ready ruled for a series of lines.
One thing, however, is very plain, and that is, they do not catch me
in the Great Desert again until there is a railway!




















nmCD OVER MATTER.

Cheapside at four o'clock, Gower Street on a Sunday, the Ancient
Concerts, a Jury-box in the dog-days, a pantomime in July, a Blue-
book on a wet Sunday-anything, confound it! is better than this
Great Desert. On my word, I never saw, since I have travelled, a
place with so little in it.
"Here, Bou Maza, bring my camel to the door. I'm off to
London."

UNPUBLISHED DOGMA or DOCTOR JOHINSON.-" The man who wears
a moustache has no right to eat vermicelli soup."







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


CAPITAL OFFENDERS

A WOMAN who says "my love," and "my dear," and "my pet
sweet," to her husband in public, and pulls his hair, probably, in
private.
A young man who is studying statistics, and tells you "the
number of quarters of bonded corn there were in HaInburgh in
1835 was 10,000 more than any other year," and quotes voluminously
about refined tallows and prime Muscovados from









PORTER'S PROGRESS."

A woman of great intellect, and a young lady at supper who
wishes to go into a convent.
A man who is perpetually boasting of his favourite old port that
has been these fifteen years in bottle," and gives you nothing but
British brandy.
A woman of fifty years of age who dresses like a girl of nineteen.
A woman who drops her pocket-handkerchief every five minutes
at an evening party, in order to test the gallantry of the gentlemen.
A man who gives a dinner party, and keeps saying to his guests,
"You see your dinner, gentlemen."
A woman who is always talking about her delicate constitution."
An old maid who doubts, during dessert, if you could love madly,"
and then asks, What is your beau ideal of the tender passion?"
A young man who quotes Latin at a social party, and proposes
health and toasts; or a German at the Opera who hums all the
tunes, overture, and recitatives, stamps his feet, and takes snuff.
A faded coxcomb who talks of his successes with "the dear
creatures."
An old fellow who is always recollecting a capital thing he heard
five-and-twenty years ago."
An old play-goer who will insist we haven't a single actor left,"
and then tells you, "You should have seen Dicky Suett."
A man who has seen better days," and will recollect the time he
had "thirteen different sorts of wine on his table, and kept his mare
and French cook, but no one cares that for him now"-the that
being a snap of the fingers.


[1849.










AN EXTENSIVE ORDER.

TOMEAS URE 12













Spacious Gentleman.-" Will you have the kindness, young man,
to measure me for a pair of those at 12s. P"


WHAT DO ALL ENGLISHMEN TAKE OFF THEIR
HATS TO
WHO is it that gets the most salutes in Eng-
land? We do not mean the powder which is
thundered into the Queen's ears wherever she
goes, but the quiet salute which a person makes
by taking his hat off:
Now, every Englishman dislikes taking his hat
off. It is a trouble, and no genuine John Bull
likes more trouble than he can help. It must be
something, then, of very great importance-of
general love and feeling-a chord that strikes all
Englishmen's hearts-that makes everybody, THE BRIDGE OF SIZE.
without a single exception, take his hat off to it ?
What can it be ?
Is it Prince Albert? No; for, familiar as the prints of His
Royal Highness may have made his handsome face in the eyes of
those who look into print shops, still, from love of retirement, he is
not generally known by the public, and he could easily pass down
Lowther Arcade without fear of being recognized.
Who is it, then ?
Is it the Duke of Wellington? No. It is true he commands a
number of upraised hats. All those who know his venerable nose,
The base perpetrator of the above has been dismissed. We hope the reader is
pacified.-ED. C. A.










AN EXTENSIVE ORDER.

TOMEAS URE 12













Spacious Gentleman.-" Will you have the kindness, young man,
to measure me for a pair of those at 12s. P"


WHAT DO ALL ENGLISHMEN TAKE OFF THEIR
HATS TO
WHO is it that gets the most salutes in Eng-
land? We do not mean the powder which is
thundered into the Queen's ears wherever she
goes, but the quiet salute which a person makes
by taking his hat off:
Now, every Englishman dislikes taking his hat
off. It is a trouble, and no genuine John Bull
likes more trouble than he can help. It must be
something, then, of very great importance-of
general love and feeling-a chord that strikes all
Englishmen's hearts-that makes everybody, THE BRIDGE OF SIZE.
without a single exception, take his hat off to it ?
What can it be ?
Is it Prince Albert? No; for, familiar as the prints of His
Royal Highness may have made his handsome face in the eyes of
those who look into print shops, still, from love of retirement, he is
not generally known by the public, and he could easily pass down
Lowther Arcade without fear of being recognized.
Who is it, then ?
Is it the Duke of Wellington? No. It is true he commands a
number of upraised hats. All those who know his venerable nose,
The base perpetrator of the above has been dismissed. We hope the reader is
pacified.-ED. C. A.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


and know how much England is indebted to it, pay him that little
mark of respect. But, popular as the Duke is, every one is not















A GOOD PARTY CRY.

acquainted with him, and there are even a few who still nourish
a dislike of his political opinions, forgetting the best part, and only
recollecting the worst part, of the man.
Can it be a creditor ?
Certainly not; for debtors always make a practice of avoiding
their creditors, especially those of a large amount, or one of the
Hebrew persuasion. There may be a few who get a stray lift of
the chapeau, by way of reconciliation, but in general the eyes of
him that owes rarely meet the eyes of him to whom money is owing.
We are all blind to our'own interest, especially when we pay 10 per
cent. for it.
Perhaps it is the wind P
Now, this is a vile quibble; for the reader knows well enough
that no man takes off his hat to the wind. On the contrary, the
whole energy of a man's ten fingers is concentrated on the rebel-
lions rim, with the view of holding the fugitive castor on. The
wind takes off many hats; it is repeatedly done on Waterloo Bridge,
and round the corner of St. Paul's Churchyard-you will see it
any day during March; but it is preposterous to say that a single
hat is ever taken off to the wind.
Well, then, what is it ?
Patience for ten lines, and you shall know. Growl, amiable
reader, but read.
It is, you must know, a curious instrument, or rather a collection
of instruments, that go at once to the bosoms of all Englishmen.
It subdues discord, and substitutes pleasant harmony for it. No
sooner is a note of it heard than off flies every hat, the whole
assembly rises; fifty thousand bare heads-if there are so many
present-instantly respect the majesty of the appeal, and fifty


[1849.








1849.] WHAT DO ALL ENGLISHMEN TAKE OFF THEIR HATS TO ? 275

thousand voices-if you can only count them-join in glad response
to it.
But what is it ?
Foreigners even respect it, and take off their hats.
Once more-What is it ?
Well, that which has most hats taken off to it, is-
Stop! I have it (cries a young musician, who had the signal
honour of beating the big drum in the Drury Lane orchestra on the
stormy nights of Monte Christo) : It's-
Be quiet, sir. It's no such thing. Learn, young man, that
you've no right to rob any one of his secret. Sit down, sir, and
allow us to say-
Well, then, say it, and be-
Hush-breathe not a word that may be offensive to















BARS POLITE.
We were just going to say, if you had not interrupted us, that
that which has more hats taken off than anything else is-is-is-
Is what P
Is Gon SAVE THE QUEEN!
And this proves that we Engligh are the most loyal people in the.
world-at least as far as hats go.
But who can tell whether the reason why the tremendous shower
of revolutions, which have fallen this year as thick as hail all over
the Continent, have done such little injury in England, is simply
because our beloved country is deeply insured in every office, farm,
mansion, cottage, in every English heart, by the loyal policy of
GoD SAVE THE QUEEN ?
So, "Hats off!" and let us all sing-
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing, with heart and applause,
Gon SAVE THE QUEEN !"
r2








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


SQUIBS IN STATUES.
HE newspapers make no mention of a
statue that was forwarded to the
SBeaux Arts at the late competition,
for the best design upon the
Republique. It was a like-
ness of the Siamese Twins,
who are supposed to have
sent their adhesion to the
French Government. It was
meant to typify Fraternit6
and Egaliti, but was objected
to as being too figurative.
The artist altered the atti-
tudes and sent it again; say-
) ing hehadmade the statue lite-
ral enough this time, and that
I Ihis correction enabledhim for-
tunately to include Liberte, in
addition to the other two types
of the Red Republicans. Upon
being exhibited, it was found
S-that he had made the Twins
FraternitB, EgaUit6, Libert6-d'Apris la fighting in the most frater-
Republique Rouge. nal fashion. The result of the
Liberty was, that the artist was immediately carried off to prison, for
such designs upon the Republique could not be possibly winked at.


VALUABLE ADVICE.
To PERSONS ABOUT TO MAIRY.-Don't buy your furniture at
Felix Summerley's Cheap Art-Manufacture Mart.
The above advice is given to young couples about to plunge into
the deep waters of matrimony-that awful plunge which is to de-
termine whether their future happiness is to go on swimmingly, or
to sink for ever like the Tlegmaque, with all its fabulous treasures on
board, when nothing is saved from the wreck excepting a few spars.
That long voyage, however, which ends only with the loss of one
of the mates, is generally never undertaken but with the strictest
economy. The speculation may turn out a bad one; things may
be thrown overboard from distress that swallowed up, before sailing,
a little ocean of money, but they are usually selected with care, and
nothing is shipped but what will fetch in the end almost as much as
it cost at first. A mother-that most thrifty shipper in the harbour
of life-generally lays in the cargo, and every article is weighed to
a scruple in the scales of her judgment, before it is sent home to
make the anxious passage to the Uuited States.
We can imagine a fond but imprudent couple going to Felix
Summerley's beautiful Emporium of Art-Manufactures. They have


[1849.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


SQUIBS IN STATUES.
HE newspapers make no mention of a
statue that was forwarded to the
SBeaux Arts at the late competition,
for the best design upon the
Republique. It was a like-
ness of the Siamese Twins,
who are supposed to have
sent their adhesion to the
French Government. It was
meant to typify Fraternit6
and Egaliti, but was objected
to as being too figurative.
The artist altered the atti-
tudes and sent it again; say-
) ing hehadmade the statue lite-
ral enough this time, and that
I Ihis correction enabledhim for-
tunately to include Liberte, in
addition to the other two types
of the Red Republicans. Upon
being exhibited, it was found
S-that he had made the Twins
FraternitB, EgaUit6, Libert6-d'Apris la fighting in the most frater-
Republique Rouge. nal fashion. The result of the
Liberty was, that the artist was immediately carried off to prison, for
such designs upon the Republique could not be possibly winked at.


VALUABLE ADVICE.
To PERSONS ABOUT TO MAIRY.-Don't buy your furniture at
Felix Summerley's Cheap Art-Manufacture Mart.
The above advice is given to young couples about to plunge into
the deep waters of matrimony-that awful plunge which is to de-
termine whether their future happiness is to go on swimmingly, or
to sink for ever like the Tlegmaque, with all its fabulous treasures on
board, when nothing is saved from the wreck excepting a few spars.
That long voyage, however, which ends only with the loss of one
of the mates, is generally never undertaken but with the strictest
economy. The speculation may turn out a bad one; things may
be thrown overboard from distress that swallowed up, before sailing,
a little ocean of money, but they are usually selected with care, and
nothing is shipped but what will fetch in the end almost as much as
it cost at first. A mother-that most thrifty shipper in the harbour
of life-generally lays in the cargo, and every article is weighed to
a scruple in the scales of her judgment, before it is sent home to
make the anxious passage to the Uuited States.
We can imagine a fond but imprudent couple going to Felix
Summerley's beautiful Emporium of Art-Manufactures. They have


[1849.










~1i~1J~] -


~,'.



~'z~


SMou- i.- -1)a u ra Pa&Lie.'







VALUABLE ADVICE.


no more money than they can spare, but the husband has an eye
for the beautiful, and the wife likes-and where is the woman that
doesn't P-to have everything of the best. They are tossed about
on the beautiful carpets and lovely counterpanes, quite dazzled with
the glittering warming-pans, inflamed with the glowing coal-scuttles
of every possible age and period, whilst each bright poker they
touch burns them to buy it. They go on hopping from one easy
chair to another, now dwelling on a carved Artevelde sofa, now con-
versing with a Gothic dumb-waiter, dumbfounded the next minute
by the sweetest causeuse of the middle ages, till they come to a
lovely bedstead, where they pause and linger in speechless admira-
tion. At last exclaims the enraptured-
Emma. Oh, how lovely Look, Edwin, dear, how beautiful it
is decorated!"
Edwin. "Yes! but they might have selected some better subject.
It would not be very pleasant, I imagine, to
wake up in the middle of the night and see
people killing one another before your sleepy
eyes. But it's wonderfully painted to be sure.
That man with the sword through him is
quite a bit of real life. However, King John
is of a more peaceful nature. Send the latter
home, if you please."
Shopman. Allow me to call your atten-
tion to this wonderful blind. It is painted /
by Corbould. The subject is' Richard going '
to Palestine.' "
Emma. "I never saw anything like it.
Isn't it charming, Edwin, darling ? It would
do very well for the back window of the
pink bedroom-you know there's the chimney
of the gas-factory, and the preparatory school
for boys just opposite." An Art Blind.
Edwin. "Precisely so, dear. Put it with the other things."
Emma. Oh, what dear funny chairs."
Shopman. "They're the latest discovery in Gothic manufactures;
copied from a rare hieroglyphic on the tomb of Cheops. The Earl
of Peckham has six dozen exactly similar."
Edwin. "Very peculiar-they will do
for the hall. What is this, pray P It looks
like a cross between an altar and a side-
board."
Shopman. "Excuse me, sir, that is a
washing-stand-the only one of the kind.
It was made for the Grand Duke Skru-
bisknosklenoff, but his lamented death
has left it on our hands. We can let you
have it a great bargain."
Emma (ecstatically). Oh, darling Ed-
win, do have it, dear." An Art Toilet-table







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


Shlopman. "Thank you, sir. Here is a dressing-table, madam,
that will just match with it. It was made from a design of Lord
Waltzaghane, one of the first masters in point of art of the Young
England School, and is universally admired. May I include it
with the other articles, sir P I'm sure you'll like it."
Edwin. "Very well, then; but that's enough. Come away,
Emmy."
Emma. Oh, stop one minute-look here-did you ever ? Isn't
it elegant ? What is it, pray P"
Shopman. "Why, ma'am, that is a clothes-horse, made from a
drawing of Edwin Landseer's. Prince Albert has the companion
to it."
Emma. "Oh, do buy it, Edwin; I wont ask you for anything
else, indeed."
Edwin. Very well, then; but mind, it's to be the last."
They take arms, and are about to leave the tempting shop, when
Emma's attention is suddenly drawn by a curious mug, at which
she cannot help laughing.
Emma. Oh! what is this, pray ?"
Shopm2an. "That, madam, is a teapot, designed after a popular
pattern, very generally known amongst the
Ethiopians under the name of the 'black-
man's teapot.' It is universally admired."
Edwin. I think it very ugly."
Emma. "How can you, Edwin! Why, I
think it so very distingui. I must have it;
do buy it, there's a dear."
An Art.Teapot. Edwin. "Now, come along, darling-I'm
in a hurry."
Emma. Well, if you wont, I will-I'll buy it myself, and make
you a present of it, Edwin."
Edwin. Psha! that's nonsense, child."
Edwin and Emma leave at last, and after dinner, when they are
happy in assuring each other for the ten thousandth time that
"they never knew what love was before," the new purchases arrive,
and the bill is brought in.
The future husband reads out the following bill:-
s. d.
To a beautiful historical Louis Quatorze French bed-
stead, designed by Chalon (very cheap) . 35 0 0
To one Egyptian clothes-horse, the favourite design of
Edwin Landseer . . .. 15 10 0
To one "blackman's teapot," in the very best superfine
wedgwood (a rich curiosity) . .. 7 2 44
To a magnificent blind-a pure Corbould . 40 10 0
So six Gothic Swan-of-Avon Egyptian chairs ., 60 0 0
To one Stonehenge dressing-table . .. 26 11 2
To one Grecian washing-stand (a decided bargain) 102 0 0
Sum total 286 13 61


[1849.








MAKE A WORSE ONE IF YOU CAN.


We need not repeat the lady's fierce commentaries, or the gentle-
man's running fire of explosive criticisms upon the various items of
the above little bill. Suffice it to say, the art-manufacture goods
were returned, and Edwin and Emma bought at an auction the next
day articles that suited their purpose just as well for 121. 14s. They
admitted the superior beauty of Mr. Felix Summerley's Art-
Manufactures, but the expense, they both agreed, was quite pre-
posterous."
Edwin and Emma are married now, and are still of the same
opinion, so we cannot help thinking that they must have been in
the right.
The fine-art manufactures are certainly very beautiful, but
there is moderation even in purchasing one of the earliest efforts of
Teniers.


PLAY-BILL DIALOGUES.
THE play-bills have got into the habit of asking questions. We
should not be surprised to see the other play-bills answering them,
in this way.
Adelipi. "Did you ever send your wife to Camberwell ?"
Queen's. Well, I can't say that ever I did, but I'll make a point
of asking her the first time I see her."
Haymarket. Lend me five shillings ?"
Victoria. My dear fellow, I only wish you may get it."
Covent Garden. What will the world say ?"
Surrey. Ri tol de riddle lol, riddle lol de lay."
Lyceum. Which Mr. Smith ?"
Norton Folgate. "Whichever you like, my little dear."
Douglas Jerrold. "Time works wonders."
Paul Bedford. "I believe you, my b-o-o-o-o-oy."


EDUCATION ON THE "MUTUAL ADVANTAGE"
SYSTEM.
Pedagogue (who gives Food for the Mind for Food for the Body).
" I tell you what it is, young Suett. It is not the first time your
father has sent me bad mutton, and while he sends me such a bad
leg as he has done now for three days running, I'm not going to tell
you whether Constantinople is the capital of Otaheite or not."


MAKE A WORSE ONE IF YOU CAN.
Q. WHEN is a landlord an insect tamer ?
A. When he has ten-ants at will.


1849.]








MAKE A WORSE ONE IF YOU CAN.


We need not repeat the lady's fierce commentaries, or the gentle-
man's running fire of explosive criticisms upon the various items of
the above little bill. Suffice it to say, the art-manufacture goods
were returned, and Edwin and Emma bought at an auction the next
day articles that suited their purpose just as well for 121. 14s. They
admitted the superior beauty of Mr. Felix Summerley's Art-
Manufactures, but the expense, they both agreed, was quite pre-
posterous."
Edwin and Emma are married now, and are still of the same
opinion, so we cannot help thinking that they must have been in
the right.
The fine-art manufactures are certainly very beautiful, but
there is moderation even in purchasing one of the earliest efforts of
Teniers.


PLAY-BILL DIALOGUES.
THE play-bills have got into the habit of asking questions. We
should not be surprised to see the other play-bills answering them,
in this way.
Adelipi. "Did you ever send your wife to Camberwell ?"
Queen's. Well, I can't say that ever I did, but I'll make a point
of asking her the first time I see her."
Haymarket. Lend me five shillings ?"
Victoria. My dear fellow, I only wish you may get it."
Covent Garden. What will the world say ?"
Surrey. Ri tol de riddle lol, riddle lol de lay."
Lyceum. Which Mr. Smith ?"
Norton Folgate. "Whichever you like, my little dear."
Douglas Jerrold. "Time works wonders."
Paul Bedford. "I believe you, my b-o-o-o-o-oy."


EDUCATION ON THE "MUTUAL ADVANTAGE"
SYSTEM.
Pedagogue (who gives Food for the Mind for Food for the Body).
" I tell you what it is, young Suett. It is not the first time your
father has sent me bad mutton, and while he sends me such a bad
leg as he has done now for three days running, I'm not going to tell
you whether Constantinople is the capital of Otaheite or not."


MAKE A WORSE ONE IF YOU CAN.
Q. WHEN is a landlord an insect tamer ?
A. When he has ten-ants at will.


1849.]








MAKE A WORSE ONE IF YOU CAN.


We need not repeat the lady's fierce commentaries, or the gentle-
man's running fire of explosive criticisms upon the various items of
the above little bill. Suffice it to say, the art-manufacture goods
were returned, and Edwin and Emma bought at an auction the next
day articles that suited their purpose just as well for 121. 14s. They
admitted the superior beauty of Mr. Felix Summerley's Art-
Manufactures, but the expense, they both agreed, was quite pre-
posterous."
Edwin and Emma are married now, and are still of the same
opinion, so we cannot help thinking that they must have been in
the right.
The fine-art manufactures are certainly very beautiful, but
there is moderation even in purchasing one of the earliest efforts of
Teniers.


PLAY-BILL DIALOGUES.
THE play-bills have got into the habit of asking questions. We
should not be surprised to see the other play-bills answering them,
in this way.
Adelipi. "Did you ever send your wife to Camberwell ?"
Queen's. Well, I can't say that ever I did, but I'll make a point
of asking her the first time I see her."
Haymarket. Lend me five shillings ?"
Victoria. My dear fellow, I only wish you may get it."
Covent Garden. What will the world say ?"
Surrey. Ri tol de riddle lol, riddle lol de lay."
Lyceum. Which Mr. Smith ?"
Norton Folgate. "Whichever you like, my little dear."
Douglas Jerrold. "Time works wonders."
Paul Bedford. "I believe you, my b-o-o-o-o-oy."


EDUCATION ON THE "MUTUAL ADVANTAGE"
SYSTEM.
Pedagogue (who gives Food for the Mind for Food for the Body).
" I tell you what it is, young Suett. It is not the first time your
father has sent me bad mutton, and while he sends me such a bad
leg as he has done now for three days running, I'm not going to tell
you whether Constantinople is the capital of Otaheite or not."


MAKE A WORSE ONE IF YOU CAN.
Q. WHEN is a landlord an insect tamer ?
A. When he has ten-ants at will.


1849.]








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


PRETTY LITTLE PUZZLES TO PUZZLE PRETTY
LITTLE PUZZLERS.
(A number of the Comic," with the Editor's Autograph, in red ink, will
be given to any one who finds the solution of these puzzles.)
THOMsoN, who is a clerk in the Bank, gives his wife permission to
spend the day with a dear friend at Camberwell. At six he comes
home to dinner, and they bring him up

A AND ,, B \JY




Can you final out how Thomson is to make a dinner of it P


Monsieur le Marquis de Clichy, on his arrival at Leicester Square,
has an order for the Opera given to him. On looking over his ward-
robe, he finds all his stock of linen to consist of





whilst his chaussure is on the following footing:-





How ever is it possible for Monsieur le Marquis to go to the Opera
as a gentleman ?

L, who is an excellent swimmer, goes to Paddington one beautiful
warm summer's evening for a refreshing dip in the canal. He leaves
on the shore
B


[1849.







1849.] LITTLE PUZZLES TO PUZZLE PRETTY LITTLE PUZZLERS. 281

Whilst he is enjoying himself in the limpid stream, B are carried
off by







who leave L as they find him.






How, in the name of goodness, is L to get home ?


Little Tommy and Harry (H, T) have a penny given to them each
by their kind papa, to go and enjoy themselves at the fair. They
get into a swing and are soon whirled to the top. There they re-
main, quite delighted, for half an hour, till it comes onto rain, when
little Tommy and Harry venture to ask AX (the proprietor) when
is he going to move on ?
AX's answer is very plain-" Not till every blessed seat is taken."
How long do little Harry and Tommy remain perched up in the
swing before they get their ride ?


Brook Green has for dinner on Monday a beautiful sirloin of beef
(B), which he flatters himself will last all the week.







On Tuesday he is told there is not a bit of it left. Brook Green is
thunderstruck. He cannot understand it. He asks to see the







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


landlady. She "is extremely sorry, but her bothersome cat (C) has
eaten it all."







You are requested to put the two together, and to state candidly
if you think it very likely; and, if you have any doubt, you are to
find out who really is (C) the cat ?

Mrs. Large (of Wapping) has a private box (A) sent to her at
Christmas, for the Adelphi, by her obliging friend Mr. Sams. The
box is in the upper tier, over the proscenium. Mrs. Large (of
Wapping) does not like any of her dear children to lose such a treat,
so she takes all her family (B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K), besides
one or two friends from Panton Square, who are stopping, for
change of air, with her.
__ -A





B C D E FG HI J K
You are to find out how niany the box was to admit; and how
you are to get Mrs. Large and her party into it without having a
single one over.

MILITARY INTELLIGENCE.-We see a book advertised called The
Cornet Made Easy." We are very glad to hear this, and hope the
poor fellow will make himself comfortable; only we should like to
know what it is that has lately made the Cornet uneasy.

FIRST LovE.-The conversation at Holland House turned upon
first love. Tom Moore compared it to a potato, Because it shoots
from the eyes." "Or, rather," exclaimed Byron, "because it
becomes all the less by paring."


[i849.








1849.]


THE MILITARY GAME OF GOOSE.

















GENTLEMEN OF i PARTICULARLY STAI(YE)D CHARACTER.

WE are apt to boast that the British army has never received a
good dressing, and looking at the uniforms that have lately been
put upon them, we must confess there is some truth in it. Our
officers were never clever at cutting, and this may account'for their
making such bad tailors. It is a thousand pities that the Laurel
which clusters round the brows of our Commanders, should be
entwined with so much cabbage. It is true the geese saved the
Capitol of Rome, but we do not think the Horse Guards need put
itself under the wings of the British goose. If it does, Moses, in a
very short time, will be cutting out Prince Albert as a Field
Marshal. Never was the British army so surprised before, as when
that cruel shell-jacket attempted by sheer treachery to cut off the
Srear from the main body of the forces. The French have a saying
" Le Riaicule tue," so our soldiers may be diminished, in a ridiculous
manner little expected by our political economists, if this new
deadly weapon is discharged at them; for there is many a brave
fellow who can stand fire, who falls dead before ridicule. The
Horse Guards must not be a clothes mart, or a masquerade ware-
house, or else the Duke, when he puts himself at the head of the
army, will revive the old title of the Duc de Guys, and the national
cry will be, Sauve qui peut."








THE COMIC ALMANACK.


TALES .OF A LANDLORD.

His house is free from damp.
The situation is healthy.
The water is beautiful.
The poor-rates are not worth mentioning
The taxes a mere flea-bite.
It is in excellent repair.
It is a quiet fashionable neighbourhood.
Omnibusses pass every two minutes.
Five pounds will make it a "little Elysium."
He has refused double the rent, only he wants
a respectable tenant.




NOT A SEAT AMONGST TiHE."--There is an old
country lady so modest that she cannot pronounce
the word "cherub;" but she always says, "the
dear little angels who have accepted the Chiltern
hundreds."


AN AIRY LODGING,
Country Cousin.-" Well, Tom, my
boy, where be'est thee a-lodging noo F"
Surveyor (pointing up to the top of St.
Paul's).-" Why, I hang out there at
present.. Whenever you are passing my
way, I shall be delighted to see you, if
you will give me a drop in."


[18.9.







285











-- -
..^







THE SONG OF THE KNOCKER.
(A COMPANION TO SCHILLER'S BELL.)

Gents Provoke, Portas Banigo, Somnia Frango.

Firmly screw'd upon the door
Doth the lion-knocker frown.
To-night its reign of noise is o'er;
Courage boys; we'll have it down !
Long its strength defied
Every dodge we tried;
But its nuts no more shall bear it,
From the hinge io-night we'll tear it.

Varied parts of good and ill
It has been its lot to fill.
Many hearts within have bounded
As the postman's knock has sounded.
Cheek has flushed, and pulse has fluttered,
When the written name was uttered.
It might be from one most dear,
Though far off, yet ever near;
Or from one in hopes you will
Think about his little bill;"
Or a letter overland,
Sent from Ramjamjellyland,







THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1849.

Telling how the ardent Coolies
Had wellthrashed the crafty Foolies;
Or a dinner invitation,
Or a Frankfort speculation,
Or a life association,
Or some hints on emigration,
Or a looked-for explanation
Of a former altercation;
Retail changes lately made
In some wine and spirit trade;
Vows, professions, gift, or token,
Promises, or kept or broken:
Each and all, with double din,
Has the knocker usher'd in.












At the corner place a scout,
For the vigilant police;
Let hin keep a sharp look-out,
And, if need be, break the peace.
From the stone-jug free
Must our party be,
Though we keep so by fight,
Or a witch-like flight by night.

He who knocks and runs away,
May live to knock another day.
Let caution, then, all mischief guide,
For fear some danger should betide.
With watchful eyes the boys advance,
Accomplishing a nigger dance,
Performed upon the paving-stones,
To sound of Ethiopian bones,
With air appropriate, from their store,
Of Who dat knockin' at de door ?"
Now, as they near the destined sill,
Hush'd are bones-the dance is still.







THE SONG OF THE KNOCKER.


One mighty BaN the servant scares,
And lifts the inmates from their chairs.
Away! Away not one remains
When the sold maid the passage gains,
And, as the neighbourhood they quit,
Agree their knock has prov'd a hit.
Hush! keep back! your chaffing cease,
Some one's steps are this way bent.
Is it one of the police ?
No,'tis but a tipsy gent,
Singing some night-song
As he reels along.
Now he turns the corner humming
That there is A good time coming."











The straw is lying in the square,
And cabs go by with muffled sound;
Whilst cautious hands no longer dare
To lift the knocker-leather bound.
Through the night
Burns a light
From the bedroom window's height,
As the angel of grim death
Hovers there on dusky wings,
To wait the passing breath
Quiv'ring through life's curdled springs.
Go, the mutes and mourners call,
Plumed hearse and heavy pall!
Head of that sad family
Tenant of the tomb shall be
Ere the ghastly week is o'er,
SAnd the knocker sounds once more.

See the thoroughfare is, clear,
Nothing in it but the lamps.
Now, look sharp the door draw near,
TWrench the knocker from its clamps!


1849.]







THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1849.

SDoes it still resist ?
Give a tougher twist.
Put your stick within the ring.
Now-with both hands-that's the thing!












The sun is shining in the street,
The clock moves on from three to five.
The pavement glows with dazzling heat,
And all the West-end is alive.
The air with Bouquet-Royal laden,
Or Patchouli's oppressive herb,
Plays round the fair-haired high-born maiden,
Whose Clarence draws up at the kerb.
And now the knocker knows no quiet,
But revels in unceasing riot.
The flunkey first awakes the clang
With Bat-a-tat-tat, bang bang .'! bang !! .P
The doctor greater care observes,
With temper'd knock for shaken nerves.
Next small tat-tat from frightened fingers
Of one in seedy black, who lingers
In fear and trembling at the door,
Before he dares to knock once more.
Professor he, of light guitar,
Or Polish master from afar,
Or poor relation come to claim
Some small aid due to blood and name.
All sorts of objects come and go,
Like some phantasmagoric show.
Patron or beggar, great or small,
The knocker is a lift to all.

Hip huzza! my artful dodgers,
It has fallen from the door.
But the noise has roused the lodgers,
Lights appear at every floor.







THE SONG OF THE KNOCKER.


If we stay we're done-
Vanish, every one!
As the poet sings, like bricks,
Out your luckies and your sticks.











Those evening knocks! those evening knocks!
That herald in a paper box,
Which merchants leave with pens and soap;
And notes in which they humbly hope
You'll patronize the speculation,
And save their household from starvation-
Which if to do you're kindly willing,
They'll call to-morrow for the shilling.
Joy I joy joy we're safe at last.
Where's the latch-key ? Stand aside.
Luck be praised, the peril's past,
And we can our trophy hide!
Wasn't it a lark ?
Hold hard, in the dark,
And the chairs and tables mind,
Till the lucifers I find.


In! in with me,
Comrades a 1, and shut the door,
We will christen it once more.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


STUNNER shall its new name be,
Trophy of our bravery!
Now we have in state enthroned it,
Drink the health of those who own'd it,
Whom we've left, by sad mishap,
Really not worth a rap !
Now the festival begin:
Ope the oysters-Where's the gin P
From the closet have it out.
Here's the corkscrew-pass the stout.
Cruets, pickles, gin and water,
Bread, meat, butter, pipes, and porter,
On the table now we see ;
Fastest of the fast well be.
Governors and landlord scorning,
We will not go home till morning!














RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR THE CONDUCT OF
STRANGERS VISITING LONDON.
Ir your health is proposed, you must say it is the proudest
moment of your life.
You are not expected to take your hat in with you to dinner. It
is liable to be kicked about if you put it under the table-people
mistake it for the cat.
It is no longer the fashion to say, "Here's to you, miss," and
"I drink to you, ma'am," to every lady round the table before you
take a glass of wine; however, if you do it once, never repeat it.
When you begin a speech, you must be sure to state you are
unaccustomed to public speaking.
Take your coat off in the hall, but never give up your umbrella.
If the servant offers to take it down stairs to dry it, tell him to mind
his own business; and if he says another word, threaten to report
him to his missus, and he will soon be quiet. The robberies of um-
brellas in London is something awful!







1849.] RULES AND REGULATIONS. 291
If you go to the opera don't call out for "Music!" or tell
"Nosey," or any of the "catgut scrapers,"
to strike up. Be careful also not to insult
the box-keeper, by giving him a penny to
run and fetch a playbill. If you take a lady,
dispense with the usual gallantry of a bag
of oranges. Should you take any, however,
it is usual to offer them to all the ladies
round you-after you have peeled them.
It is no longer the fashion for a stranger ,
to call at Buckingham Palace; but if there
should be a Drawing Room, you had better
go, by all means, and present your homage
to your Sovereign, for otherwise it might
look disrespectful. You have only to go in AUniversity Chair of Music.
costume, with the sword and cocked hat, and send in your card,
"with your compliments."
If you are invited out to dinner, you must refrain as much as you
can from taking a snooze directly the cloth is removed; and you
should be above drinking the warm water that is given you, in a
blue bowl, for your fingers.
If you intend to dance, do not, as a matter of pride, fill your
pockets with halfpence; and if you have a new pair of Berlins, put
them on, and do not keep them folded up in your hands, as if you
were too shabby to use them.
If Joseph Ady sends you an invitation, write back word that
you will come and take tea with him. You will find him a good
sovereign fellow, and you may probably hear of something to your
advantage.
Have your hair curled; but if you take
a lady down to the refreshment-room,
you-must know her extremely well before
ou can presume to ask her if "she'll
ave a drop of beer," or else she will cer-
tainly be offended. -
When you are leaving, supposing the s.
servant at the door puts his hand out,
shake it by all means, or else the poor
fellow will fancy you are proud.
You are not bound to answer any pub-
lic questions in the street, as to Who
are you P" or to put any stranger in pos- Shakspeare, after Curling,
session of personal facts relating to
"your mother."
If you are in doubt about a cab fare, or want to know some par-
ticular fact about the twopenny omnibuses, or the age of an actress,
or a point at cribbage, or where the best glass of ale is to be had-
write to the Duke of Wellington, and you will have an answer from
the F. M. the same day.
S2








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


You are not bound to go to every theatre, or to see every exhi-
bition in London. In fact, please yourself, and do not stop in town
a day longer than you choose; for you will find the "boots" gene-
rally very reluctant to call you the morning you intend to start.
For better precaution, you had better shave over night, and tie a
piece of string to your big toe for the policeman to pull the first
thing in the morning.


E HE DOMESTIC MANNERS AND
CUSTOMS OF THE BEDOUIN
ARABS.
S6j0' 0 BY ONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN AMONGST
THEM, BUT CAN IMAGINE EXACTLY WHAT
S/ \ THEY ARE.
THOSE Bedouins are curious fellows.
You have heard of a race of Jumpers;
well, they are a nation of Leapers.
We walk, they fly. They are the bats
of the human race-not men, and de-
cidedly not angels, but something be-
tween the two.
Their houses have no windows lower
than the third floor. This is to pre-
vent little boys jumping up. Their
windows are not arranged like ours,
but have small apertures, like the
slits in letter-boxes, slanting down-
wards, to prevent any one looking into
them. Bricks are exceedingly dear, on
account of the height of the walls.
A military review of Bedouin Arabs
exceeds anything of the sort. At a
given signal a whole battalion springs
upwards, gets inextricably mingled in
one dense flying column, and then falls
down again, each man precisely in his
t ~ previous position. They discharge
their muskets when they reach a given
height, and no accident ever occurs,
unless a raw recruit happens to have
sprained his ankle. Some of their light
columns advance twelve feet deep;
when I say twelve feet deep, of course
I mean in the air.
It is curious to see them in the
streets. If the door is not open, they will take a flying leap through


[1849.










rw 20a-oao- low
rrZs at~e ~~' -
'%7Je~3
3 ~r~~~ 2c2a~PIks


' loss oa for the DeNby.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


You are not bound to go to every theatre, or to see every exhi-
bition in London. In fact, please yourself, and do not stop in town
a day longer than you choose; for you will find the "boots" gene-
rally very reluctant to call you the morning you intend to start.
For better precaution, you had better shave over night, and tie a
piece of string to your big toe for the policeman to pull the first
thing in the morning.


E HE DOMESTIC MANNERS AND
CUSTOMS OF THE BEDOUIN
ARABS.
S6j0' 0 BY ONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN AMONGST
THEM, BUT CAN IMAGINE EXACTLY WHAT
S/ \ THEY ARE.
THOSE Bedouins are curious fellows.
You have heard of a race of Jumpers;
well, they are a nation of Leapers.
We walk, they fly. They are the bats
of the human race-not men, and de-
cidedly not angels, but something be-
tween the two.
Their houses have no windows lower
than the third floor. This is to pre-
vent little boys jumping up. Their
windows are not arranged like ours,
but have small apertures, like the
slits in letter-boxes, slanting down-
wards, to prevent any one looking into
them. Bricks are exceedingly dear, on
account of the height of the walls.
A military review of Bedouin Arabs
exceeds anything of the sort. At a
given signal a whole battalion springs
upwards, gets inextricably mingled in
one dense flying column, and then falls
down again, each man precisely in his
t ~ previous position. They discharge
their muskets when they reach a given
height, and no accident ever occurs,
unless a raw recruit happens to have
sprained his ankle. Some of their light
columns advance twelve feet deep;
when I say twelve feet deep, of course
I mean in the air.
It is curious to see them in the
streets. If the door is not open, they will take a flying leap through


[1849.







THE BEDOUIN ARABS.


the window, like a harlequin. The first sign of intelligence a Bedouin
child gives, is to leap straight out of its cradle. A lid is always
placed over it. for the purpose of keeping it down; and when the
lid is taken off the child flies out, like a living Jack-in-the-Box.
A steeplechase is with them literally a steeplechase. They have
no horses, but clear churches, pillars, obelisks, everything that
comes in their way, on foot.
Their animals have, in a smaller degree, the same agile propensi-
ties. When two cats dart up into the air, fighting, they are soon
lost in the clouds, and you will hear them mollrowing above you
for a long time; but I defy you to say, you ever saw both of them
come back.
When the Bedouins go out shooting they pursue the game in the
air, and do not fire until they are right over the bird's back. It is
a mean sport, however, which a real Bedouin gentleman is above
doing. But their children catch sparrows easily, by putting salt
upon their tails.
A Bedouin Arab does not give his hand in marriage, but his foot.
The Sheik blesses his people once a year. He springs from his
balcony, and when he has reached the centre of the populace, he
gives his blessing, so that he may fall equally on the heads of all
his subjects; and then he springs back to his balcony, and the
ceremony is concluded. One poor Sheik (Ben Allah Wishi Washi)
had the gout, and could not do this. He tried to bless them in a
balloon once, but the enraged populace would not have it, and tore
it to pieces, amid loud cries of Shame !" He was sentencedto wear
tight boots for life-the most ignominious punishment that can be
put upon one of Bedouin extraction.
Their postmen are let off from the post-office like pigeons-they
drop the letters down the chimneys.
A meeting is adjourned very primitively. The chairman lifts his











A BBDOUIIN ESTRY MEETING.
Chairman-" Sons of Allah, the meeting is now up."
leg, and the whole meeting suddenly takes to its heels and springs
into the air, like so many thousand frogs, and the next minute there
is not one left.


T849








294. THE COMIC ALMANAC. 1 104U.
Their dances are very lively. They generally take place in the
oen air, or else if they danced in a room, they would be knocking
their heads every minute against the ceiling. To see them all take
the same leap simultaneously, and balancezing some fifty feet above
the earth, is something so extraordinary, that it almost lifts you off
your feet. No less extraordinary are their ballets. They are more
like fire-works than any other exhibition; and you hear the loud ex-
clamations of O-o-h" escape from the crowd, when a premiere
danseuse takes a higher flight than usual. Their grand pas are
always watched through long telescopes, which are let out at the
doors for. six piastres a night.
A Bedouin duel will sometimes last for days, for it is always the
object of the person who is to be shot to get out of the fire of his
adversary, and thus they will go on jumping after one another over
the whole kingdom for a week together.
Nurses toss their babies up in the air, and if they are slow in
coming down, they jump up after them and fetch them.
I have heard of a game of ecarti being played, a vol d'aigle, some
15,000 feet above the level of the sea. The great dodge is to prevent
your partner jumping up behind you to look over your cards.
Bedouin Royalty does not wear a crown, but a pair of spring-
heeled jack-boots, and it is high treason for any one but the Sheik
to put his foot into it.
The Bedouin Arabs are a cheerful people-their active life leads
them to be hilarious. They are early risers, and are generally up
with the lark. They are a volatile, but happy race; and it is very
rarely you hear of a Bedouin Arab having corns. He will take up
a bill, too, quicker than any man.
) --^ \~ --








A BEDO.U.I BAIIFIF.

ENGLAND'S STREAM OF OCARITY.-We are told by the -.,.s-e-
ment that "The Asylum for Distressed Sewers is always open."
This asylum must surely be the Thames ?
MOCKERY.-" I have learnt this profound truth," says Alderman
Johnson, "from eating turtle, that it shows a most depraved taste
to mock anything for its greenness."
PUBLIc COMMUNISM.-The only kind of Communism that is likely
to go down in England is HA.LFAND-HALF.







1849.]


A DREADFUL CASE OF POISONING;
OR,
ANOTHER OF MY HUSBAND'S STUPID JOKES, WHICH HE THINKS ARE
SO CLEVER.
hMY dear sir, if ever there was a
miserable woman in this world, it
is the poor creature who now
takes up her pen to tell you how
wretched she is. I have not slept
a wink all night. I must tell you
my husband is dreadfully sus-
picious, and so am I-and the
best of women at times; but still
I never could have suspected he
Should have suspected me in the
abominable suspicions manner he
has lately done. Will you believe
it, sir, he declared last night that
he could plainly see I wanted to
"pisen him." The fact is, we had
tr for supper some mushrooms and a
lovely pie just warmed up with a
little steak in it, for I though I would give him a treat-and nicer
mushrooms, or a tenderer steak, I think I never tasted in all my
life-when what does my fine gentleman do but turn up his fine
nose! Only first I must tell you that he ate a very 'arty supper,
and had his whisky toddy all nice and comfortable--for I must
have mixed him six glasses if I mixed him one-
and smoked his pipe, though I have told him over
and over again I would not allow any such filthy
practices in my house, especially the parlour. But
kindness is thrown away upon some men; for what
does my Mr. Smellfungus do, but he turns roundupon
me, and because he feels a big pain in his side, ac-
cuses me on the spot of wishing to pisen him."
Those were his very words. Oh that I should have
lived to have heard them; but it is not the first time
by ever so many that the suspicious creature has
dared to turn round upon me in this bumptious
manner. The first time he degraded himself in my
eyes with these low suspicions was when he had been
eating pies at Twickenham, and we were returning
home in the steamer, when all of a sudden he called
the whole cabin to witness that he was sure Ihad '
pisened him." Oh, dear! I was so struck that I Didn't know which
No, that I didn't; but I told him, once for all, way to turn.
if ever he dared to bring such a heavy charge against me I would
make him pay for it dearly, that I would, even if it cost me







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


my life. Here the monster laughed, and dropt the poison, but he
brought it up again soon afterwards; forI recollectitwas on a Friday,
and we had a most lovely giblet pie for dinner, though not a morsel
as big as a pin's head could I touch, for I was busy all the while
picking bones with my wretch of a husband, and I really thought I
should have choked, I was in such a way with him. He had no
sooner emptied the dish than he threw the "pisen" again in my
face; and he did it also another time when we had a quince pie-
and a nice delicious squince, in my eyes, is worth a Jew's eye any
day; but my dainty lord and master could see nothing but pisen at
the bottom of it, and complained of cholera and pins and needles in
his inside, and I don't know what else. So this morning I packed
up my bandbox, and asked him boldly what he had got in his head
lately P and that his low base suspicions had completely poisoned
my existence, and that I would jump into the Thames as sure as I
was born sooner than be suspected any longer. When my brazen
monster, who is known for not









nTICKING AT TRI.PLS,
draws his chair close up to mine, and laughs in my face, which
made me so boil over that, in the heat of the moment, I threw the
teapot at him, and then the slop-basin, and after that the milk-jug.
I did not spare the crockery, or the brute either, for I was not going
to be accused for nothing, I can tell you; but the more cups I
broke, the more saucily he laughed, till the big drops ran down his
fat face, and he asked me, with a nasty grin I. didn't half like,
" Whether I thought he belonged to a burial society for nothing ?"
Oh sir, the truth flashed all at once across my two eyes, for I
knew my husband had been reading these horrible newspapers
lately, and I felt instinctively they had poisoned his mind, so I ran
out of the house without my bonnet, and-will you believe it P-my
hair still in curl-papers, and got into a cab, vowing 1 would never
put my foot in it again until he had gone down upon his bended
knees and confessed I was a poor injured wrongly-suspected woman.
I would sooner be a widow at once than be thrown about in such a
way. Oh! sir, I ask you if it is not infamous, after being married
to a man these fifteen years and more, to be suspected of giving
him his gruel with a spoonful of arsenic, and of wishing to hurry
him out of this world on a nasty toadstool instead of a fine mush-







A DREADFUL CASE OF POISONING.


room P But, sir, it's these infamous papers. I wish they were all
burnt of a heap, for I can plainly trace every bit of my pretty
Smellfungus's suspicions to those atrocious POISONINGS IN ESSEX,"
which have lately given the public such a turn. Since they have
been published, every husband suspects that his darling wife wishes
to kill him in order to receive the filthy bonus for burying him. I
cannot tell you how many poor suffering wives are separated at the
resent moment from their brutes of husbands because they have
had this abominable poison flung in their teeth every day for the
last two months. The poor innocent injured dears of men dare not
now for their lives take a single meal in their houses, for fear it
should be their last! It's quarrelling with their own bread and
butter, to say the very least of it.
I remain, sir, at my hotel (the Two Magpies"), till my cruel
good-for-nothing lord and master chooses to come and fetch me.
Yours, in despair, crying my eyes out,
AN INNOCENT, LOVING, BUT SHAMEFULLY
SUSPECTED WIFE, AND MOTHER OF
Six LOVELY CHILDREN.
P.S.-Oh! sir, my husband has just been here, and tells me it
was only meant as a joke-a pretty joke, indeed !-and that, as
Hamlet says, he was only "pisening in jest," for how could he help
suspecting, when I gave him nothing but pies-beafsteak pies, eel
pies, giblet pies, quince, and mince, and all sorts of pies-but that
I regularly wanted to pisen him! D'ye see--pies and pisening P I
never heard such a joke! How men can make such donkeys of
themselves I don't know! But I couldn't well be angry with the
silly fellow, for he has brought me such a beautiful shawl; and I
need not tell you, sir, that in matrimony a lovely Cashmere hides a
multitude of faults.










ONE WHO SB A FPInBBG IN IVTBYBOD'8S'PIB.

TEETOTALER'S TOAST.-" The worm of the still-may it soon be
a still worm!"
A CRITIC.-A man who judges an author's works by the "er-
rata."
VANITY.-There is not a mite in the world (says Lavater), but
that thinks itself quite the cheese."








I[849.


FRIGHTFUL STATE OF THINGS,
IF FEMALE AGITATION IS ALLOWED ONLY FOR A MINUTE.







THE standard of rebellion is first raised at a fashionable tea-party.







The rebels rush into the street, break open the public-houses, and ask the
men if they are not ashamed ot themselves to be sitting there, whilst their
poor dear wives are crying their eyes out at home ?

Clubs are put down and a Petticoat Government proclaimed.






4-

Armed patrols parade the streets, and take up every good-for-nothing
husband that is found out after nine o'clock.
Total abolition of latch-keys.

All men proved to be brutes," are taken to business in the morning by
the Nurse, and fetched home at night by the Cook







Those who offer the slightest The greatest reprobates are
resistance are put to mend their sentenced to sit up for their
wives' stockings. dear wives

















A Quiet Hint to vie~Wes of Englia.na


A t:








FRIGHTFUL STATE OF THINGS.


The Lords of Creation are driven to the greatest extremities to enjoy a
quiet pipe.

But if detected, they are immediately made public examples of, by being
sent out to air the babies


L





Those who resist the strong arm of the sex are immediately sent to the
House of Correction, and put for fourteen days upon dirty linen.







If detected a second time, they are sentenced to a month's imprisonment,
and hard labour at the mangle.

The most refractory are condemned to cold meat for life, without benefit
of pickles.


The heartless ringleader is loaded with irons.







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


A member of the Royal Family only saves himself with a fine of twelve
dozen bright pokers, and an Exchequer bond for one hundred steel fenders!






But human patience can endure it no longer, and the poor convicts endea-
vour to elude the vigilance of the watch, by smuggling themselves out
amongst the clean linen.







The secret, however, is accidentally divulged by a criminal of great weight,
who drops through the fragile clothes-basket.

The wretched criminals are"*
carried away by the overpower-
ing force of" Woman's Mission,"
and their precipitate folly only ends
in their being floored at the bottom of
the stairs, where, in aching shame, they lie
and bite the dust.

Five thousand helpless husbands, whose only
crime is their unfortunate sex, are incarcerated in
the Thames Tunnel!
Not a glass of grog, or a newspaper, or a cigar is
allowed them!!

Hundreds perish daily for the want of the common necessaries of life!!!

The Black Hole is beaten hollow!!!!


Frightful rush, and tremendous overflow in the Thames Tunnel, through
an insane attempt of the Boy Jones to escape by the roof! I


[1849.








FRIGHTFUL STATE OF THINGS.


Those who are not drowned, go mad.

An armistice takes place between the opposing bodies. A member of the
Coburg family offers his hand to Mrs. Gamp, but is indignantly rejected by
the lovely widow.

The body of the oldest inhabitant" is found at Herne Bay, where it is
supposed he emigrated for safety.

There is not a single man left, excepting the Man in the Moon.

The ladies, being left to themselves, proceed to discuss their wrongs, when,
after several years' arguments, the world is graced with







THE FEMALE MILLENNIUM.
This continues thirty years, when the argument is decided at length in
favour of
















THE LAST WOMAN,

Who compodges herself in honour of the occasion a nice dish of tea, and








302 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1849.

after propodging a toast to the memory of that blessed creature Mrs. Harris,
dies universally "regretted on the throne of Buckingham Palace.





(





Richardson's ghost makes his last appearance at Greenwich Fair! !


THE END OF THE WORLD !
AND OF
THE COMIC ALMANACK.
READER, YOU ARE REQUESTED TO DROP A TEAR !




TWO LITTLE CUTS THROWN IN.


Au revoir.

We meet again in 1850.





Na o C o rT

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THE LADI jS TRYING A CONTEMPTIBLE SCOUNDREL For a&BREACH- of PROMISE',


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