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NOTICE.

The FIRST SERIES of THE COMIC ALMANACK"
from 1835 to 1843, a nine years' gathering of the BEST
HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest Quips, and the
Best Things of THACKERAY, HOOD, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH,
A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Wood-
cuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE,
LANDELLS-

may now be had of the Publisher, crown 8vo, 600 pp.,
price 7s. 6d.

SThe First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise
THE COMPLETE WORK, extendingfrom 1835 to 1853.

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THE

COMIC

ALMANAC.

2ND SERIES, 1844-1853.

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THE

COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
T-HE BROTHERS MAYHEW.

:tI T'

"THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.-INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE 1ST FOOT."

igity mang unbnkb llastrations
4B Y GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

SECOND SERIES, 1844-1853.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDAN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.
'NEW YOK : SCRIBNER. WELFORD AND CO.

THE

COMIC ALMANAC

FOR 1848.

186 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1848.

A NEW OPENING FOR VALENTINES.
VAMLNTINES have hitherto been sentimental. This is a sad mis-
take in a matter-of-fact age, when Love may knock at a person's
door long enough before he will be admitted, unless he comes
handsomely dressed, and with his pockets full of money. The
old conventional altar, with a couple of hearts on it pierced
through with a skewer, which postmen leave at houses wrapped
up in pink covers, on the 14th of February, is but sorry fare
for young ladies who have been educated upon a hot luncheon
every day, and who would sooner have a basin of turtle than
the prettiest pair of pigeons that were ever served up with pink
ribbon on the best satin paper! Lovers forget that we are a
nation of shopkeepers, and should play their counters accord-
ingly. How much better, instead of sending an immense tulip with
a gentleman sitting inside of it, it would be to forward a small
view of their fortune, drawn out in gold and silver on their banker's
cheque-book Ladies might not take the trouble to look under the
paper rose, which when pulled out discloses the portrait of a spooney
Adonis, in a blue coat and black moustachios; but a sketch of what
the same Spooney" intended to do, when married, in the way of a
carriage or an opera-box, would be a puzzle which every young
lady could but be deeply interested in finding out. Beauty is com-
pletely a matter of taste; but a good establishment, with unlimited
millinery, powdered footman, violets all the year round, and sub-
scription to the French plays, is a simple thing which no two
mammas could possibly dispute about, and which every well-
regulated daughter must appreciate at the very first glance. In
fact, the more such a Valentine was looked at, the more it would be
admired. The question nowadays is not, whether you are hand-
some-that concerns your looking-glass only-but whether your
fortune has a handsome figure. Hymen has gone completely into
the commercial line; and the closer Valentines resemble advertise-
ments, the easier young gentlemen who offer themselves at a "tre-
mendous sacrifice," will find themselves go off. Cupid has turned
buteher-boy, and it is wonderful how he has enlarged his business
since he has taken to serving his customers with something richer
than a couple of sheep's hearts every day for dinner! For further
inquiries, the young lady is referred to the plate opposite.

.f l

-IO ME- ET LIKE A V IEXIINE
s~oMETflfle L'I1E A VAL.FrIINqE.

, f pl-y 11"'j. -,-

1848.] 87

PROBLEMS VERY EASY OF SOLUTION.
GIVEN-A haunch of venison.
To Find-Currant jelly, and six persons to eat it.
Given-A pound to Joseph Ady.
To Find-Something to your advantage.
Given-A flat contradiction.
To Find-A wife in hysterics.

"i -AO ET

REVEBSING THE OLD PROVEBB-THE MOUNTAIN DOES GO TO MAHOMET.

PROBLEMS RATHER DIFFICULT OF SOLUTION.
Given-18,000,0001. to Ireland.
To Find-An Irishman who is the least thankful for it.
Given-A bottle of British brandy.
To Find-A gentleman to drink it.
Given-The legal fare.
To Find-A cabman who is satisfied with it.
Given-A wife and twelve children.
To Find-The man who is contented with his lot.
Given-A good flogging.
To Find-A schoolmaster who doesn't say "it hurts him a great
deal mbre" than the boy he is flogging.
Given-Advice.
To Find-A man to act upon it.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

Given-One hundred philanthropists.
To Find-Anything they have given.
Given-A dog, a cat, and a mother-in-law.
To Find-The house that is not too hot to hold them.
Given-Several cooks on board wages.
To Find-Any tea and sugar left in your tea-caddy.
Given-A railway accident.
To Find-The person whose fault it was.
THE MOST DIFFICULT PROBLEM OF ALL.
Given-The Comic Almanack."
To Find-A bad joke in it.

THE STOCK MARKET.
Old Gentleman.-Oh! my boy, you have called for the paper,
have you? Well, I suppose you read everything-know of course
all the news. I shouldn't be at all surprised now that you can tell
me the price of stocks ?
Newspaper Boy (very quickly).-Two bunches a penny, sir.

FULL MOURNING AND HALF MOURNING.
IN this age of costumes, when everybody cries out for a par-
ticular dress, from a Puseyite to a charity boy, we think the poor
shopmen in the Mourning Dep&ts have been shabbily overlooked.
The Half Mourning Gentlemen should be dressed in the style of
the old pictures seen in Wardour Street, one half black, the other
white. And the Full Mourning Gentlemen, who have to wait on
disconsolate widows, and offer them a choice of weeds, should be
black from head to foot, and that effect not produced by art but by
the hand of nature. No Ethiopian artificiality, but a real Nigger
reality.

NEW YEAR'S DA..-Now kill your dragon, for the friendly game
of snap, and hire your blindman, only take care he is a good buffer.
Now get your needle ready for the purpose of threading, and hunt
everywhere for a slipper, only if there is a wood pavement in the
neighbourhood, you need not go far to pick up one. Now riddle
your company well with conundrums, and bore them with acting'
charades, till every one is tired of the fun, and fairly gives it up.

TIHE HEIjT or COOWADICE.-Kicking a man with a wooden leg

[1848.

1848.]

ODE ON ST. CECILIA'S DAY.
[A LONG WAY AFTER POPE.

LUXLEY'S TRUMP CARD

DESCEND, great Bunn !-descend and bring
A furnace of poetic fire;
Nib fifty pens, and take your fling,
Boldly of foolscap fill a quire.
In a namby-pamby strain,
Let the tenor first complain;
Let the falsetto sound,
With nasal twang around,
Till in applause 'tis drown'd.
Then in more ponderous notes and slow,
Let the deep bass go down, extremely low.
Hark the shrill soprano near
Bursts upon the startled ear!
Higher and higher does she rise,
And fills with awful screams the flies.
By straining and shrieking she reaches the notes,
Out of tune, out of time too, the wild music floats;
Till, by degrees, the vigorous bawl
Seems to decay,
And melts away
In a feeble, feeble squall.

In music there's a medium, you know;
Don't sing too high nor sink too low.
If in a house tumultuous rows arise,
Music to drown the noise the means supplies;
Or when the housemaid, pressed with cares,
To yonder public-house repairs,
Some gallant soldier, fired by music's sound,
Will order pints of half-and-half all round.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

John the footman nods his head,
Swears he'll not go home to bed;
In his arms a partner takes,
As some courteous speech he makes;
And suddenly the joyous pair engage
In giddy Waltz or Polka, now the rage.
But when the violin puts forth its charms,
How the sweet music every bosom warms !
SSo when the dilettante dared the squeeze,
STo hear of Jenny Lind the opening strain,
And in the rush serenely sees
His best coat torn in twain,
Transported simpletons stood round,
And men grew spooneys at the sound,
Roaring with all their wind;
Each one his power of lung displayed
In bawling to the Swedish maid;
/0 While cheers from box to pit resound
fW For Lind, for Lind, for Lind !
But when through those mysterious bounds
Where the policeman goes his rounds,
The Poet had by chance been led
'Mid the Coal-hole, festive shed,
What sounds were heard,
/What scenes appeared,
S \ How horrible the din !
0 Toasted cheese,
If you please.
Waiter-stop!
Mutton-chop.
Hollo Jones,
Devilled bones;
And cries for rum or gin!
But hark! the chairman near the fire
Strikes on the table to require
Strict silence for a song.
Thy tongue, 0 waiter, now keep still;
S.Bring neither glass, nor go, nor gill;
The pause will not be long.
S The guests are mute as if upon their beds;
N OaP THE' SH Their hair uncurl'd hangs from their listemng
heads.
By the verses as they flow,
By their meaning nothing though,
Full of tropes and flowers;
By those lofty rhymes that dwell
In the mind of Bunn so well,
Like love in Paphian bowers.

[1848.

ODE ON ST. CECILIA'S DAY.

By the lines that he has made,
Working at the poet's trade- '
By the marble halls" so smart,
By other lips" and "Woman's heart,"
True poetry at once restore, restore,
Or don't let Bunn, at least, write any more !
But soon, too soon, poor music shuts her eyes;
Again she falls-again she dies, she dies.
How will she now once more attempt to thrive ?
Ah Jullien comes to keep her still alive.
Now with his British Army
Quadrille, so bright and balmy,
Or, with four bands meeting,
Two men a large drum beating,
He gives the tone
Of dying groan,
Or soldier's moan,
When at his post
His life is in the battle lost.
With five bands surrounded,
Is Jullien confounded ?
No onwards he goes,
And his arms about he throws.
See: wild as a wild duck the baton he plies:
Ahi! down in the chair he drops, closing his eyes.
My eyes! He dies!
He comes to life-for Jullien all have sung;
The name of Jullien is on every tongue.
The boxes and the pit,
Both they who stand and sit;
With Jullien's name the entire house has rung.
Music the greatest brute can charm,
And savage natures will disarm.
Music can find luxurious ease,
Making what bargain it may please.
A salary it can improve
To any sum that it may love.
This the delightful Lind has found,
And to the tune of fifteen thousand pound.
When the full house enjoys the Swedish bird,
E'en fashion deigns to lend its ear,
So eager 'tis to catch each little word,
That were a pin to drop it must be heard;
And people come from far as well as near !
Of Orpheus now no more let poets tell,
For Jenny Lind may boast with greater reason:
His numbers he for gold could never sell-
She makes her fortune in a season!

[92 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1848.

A CURIOUS INQUIRY.

BY A MEMBER OF THE ANIMALS' FRIEND SOCIETY.
IwoNDERwithwhatfeelingsdoes
a cat contemplate a fiddle P Does
the sight of it move his bowels of
compassion ? Does he look upon
it as the hated persecutor of his
innocent race for years ? Is he
4 vindictive against it P Does some
inward voice tell him that on
that very spot was murdered
perhaps one of his dearest re-
lations ? Does he feel prompted
"OH EM PROPHRTIC SOUL! MT UCLB.,
to revenge ? Does it ever strike
him that it may be his own case to-morrow ? If a cat feels all this,
then the sight of a fiddle cannot be the pleasantest object in the
world to him, and I fancy I see in my mind's eye a family of orphan
kittens weeping over a violin as the cruel instrument of their
father's death. But, alas! it's all fiddle-de-dee. Cats have no feel-
ings, or else every Tom in every village would be a Hamlet!

How To BEGIN THE NEW YEA.-The first thing is to take one
year off your age. Recollect every year you grow older you are
one year younger. Ladies are not restricted to any number. He
must be a fine bore indeed who succeeds in piercing a lady's years!

How To PUT Down REPEAL IN IIELAND.-Agitate for it in
England.

1848.]

SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF MR. BROOK GREEN.

NOT WITTY HIMSELF, BUT THE CAUSE OP WIT IX OTHERS.

PooR Brook Green was always too ready to display his ignorance.
Nothing could restrain him, when he found a good opportunity.
A gentleman was showing the Elgin marbles to some ladies in the
British Museum, when Green rushed up to him, and said in the
most positive manner, "Excuse me, sir, but I think you called
those stones marbles!" "I did, sir," replied the gentleman, rather
surprised. "Well, but now look at them, really you cannot call
them marbles." "But I do, sir, I maintain that they are," ex-
claimed the gentleman in a simmering passion; do you pretend
to tell me that they are not the Elgin marbles P" Pooh, pooh,"
said Green, with a contemptuous smile, "it's ridiculous-you can't
be serious." Since they are not the Elgin marbles, then, sir,
perhaps you can tell me what they are?" "Oh! that's not for
me to say," answered Brook Green; "but I can only assure these
ladies that they're a precious dealmkore skittles than marbles," and
he walked away quite triumphantly.
Smith and Jones were looking over a new portrait of Buggins,
painted by Muggins. "It's too dark, much too dark," said Jones,
" you can hardly see a thing." "I tell you what it is," exclaimed
Smith, "the lights want bringing up; what do you say, Green?
Don't you think the portrait would look all the better if the lights
were brought up P" "Certainly," he said, and he left the room.
They were wondering what had become of him when he walked in
five minutes afterwards with a pair of lighted candles. "My dear
Green," said Smith, "what have you brought those candles for?"
""Come, that's cool," answered poor Brook; "didn't you say the
lights wanted bringing up ?" Jones gave him one of his frownis
which lasted five minutes.
He thought every one was imposing on him, and no wonder, for
he was being hoaxed almost every minute of his life. "What's
this !" he asked, whilst looking over some engravings. That's
Cleopatra's needle, sir." Well, on my word it's very like a needle,

194 THE COMIC ALMANACK. LI48.
and a stitch of it must have saved nine of any other needle;" and
he laughed away as if he had made the very best joke in the world.
" And what is this, pray P" he asked, taking up another engraving.
"Why, sir, that is the great Pyramid." "Nonsense, my dear
fellow, you make a mistake; if the last was Cleopatra's needle,
this one must be her thimble," and he gave the shopman such a
dig in the ribs that he was kicked out of the shop.
"Look at that idiot !" he cried, pointing to a man who was leading
a watering-cart; will you believe it, I have told him no less than
ten times that all the water is running out of his cart, and yet he
takes no notice of what I say."
You could persuade Green to believe any absurdity. "I wish you
would step over to the Bedford, Green," said young Thomson, and
order me a dozen of port ?" I haven't the time," answered our
hero. Well, then, will you get me half a dozen; the deuce is
in it, my good fellow, if you haven't time enough for that!"
Green actually went; and he would do the same thing for you
to-morrow. He has been known to get half way over a river, and
then swim back again for fear of not reaching the opposite side.
On another occasion he ordered a pair of globes, but sent them back
because they were not exactly alike. He also had a sun-dial fitted
up in his bedroom, to enable him, as he said, to rise every morning
with the sun.
Brook Green's knowledge of literature was very superficial. The
editor of the Quarterly made a wager with him once that he would
not mention a single thing correctly out of Shakspeare. "Can't
I, indeed!" he exclaimed; "why I know his works all through
from beginning to end: first of all, there is a set of chessmen, then
there are two dice-boxes, after that six dices, and lastly, a game of
draughts. I'll just trouble you for the money, if you please." The
poor fellow had always looked upon a backgammon board, which
folded up like a book, as a copy of SHAKSPEAE'S WORKS, for so
it was labelled; and he was quite indignant because the editor of
the Quarterly would not pay him the wager, which he considered
he had fairly won.

AGRIcuLTURAL.-Turn down your flower-beds to see if they are
damp, and give them a good shaking. If they want airing, let
them have an extra sheet of snow, and pass the warming-pan once
or twice over them. Rub up your "Sweet William" with tallow,
and let your Old Bachelor" have a warm bath the last thing at
night, if you fancy he has caught cold.

DmECTION FOR HUSBANDS.-All the wards of a latch-key should
be home-wards.

1848.]

THE DAWN WHEN UNADORNED ADORNED
THE MOST.

'" IN THE SHADB."

BlIGHT blew the wind, and plaintive rose the air,
Dark was the morning, but the night was fair;
A misty shade hung over great and small,
Afraid to rise, yet unprepared to fall.
Birds clustered shivering amid the trees;
Thermometers stood still at twelve degrees;
The wolf was dormant in his mountain lair;
The tiger strutted forth to take the air;
The elephant upon his mossy bed
Reposed instinctively his monstrous head;
Even the windmill paused, as if it found
Not yet the time for turning itself round.
The thunder through the air with caution crept;
The very chamois looked before it leapt;
The nightingale went forth long ere 'twas dark,
The early morn was ready for the lark.
The cuckoo nestled in the budding rose;
The pink was dying in cornelian throes. '
The dahlia, with the thickening gloom upon her,
Looked nightlier than the nightshade (Bella Donna);
And all was silent in the distant glen,
Save that tremendous hum-the hum of men!

196 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1848.

THE DUTY OFF TEA.

WE wonder the ladies never agitated for the reduction of the duty off tea.
They should have formed an "Anti-Tea League." If they had only laid
their tongues together, the death-rattle of the duty would have sounded for
ever. The noise would have made ministers tremble, and the great wall of
China would have shaken like a row of plates on a kitchen dresser with the
tremendous reverberation. Imagine 12,000,000 tongues calling out "Repeal
the duty off tea and then conceive, if you can, what the intensity of that
clamour would be when every one of those 12,000,000 tongues was a female
tongue We pronounce this omission a terrible lapsus linguce on the part of
the Wives and Daughters and Grandmothers of England. Where, we ask,
is Mrs. Ellis ? that formidable female champion of Great Britain.
Let us suppose that this Utopia has arrived. Tea is free! Bohea has
burst its fiscal fetters, and the "bes black" is emancipated from its custom-
house bonds. Now, it has been proved by every political economist that the
cheapening of an article always increases its consumption. What oceans of
tea then will be drank when the luxury can be procured at six farthings a
cup cheaper! A dish of tea" will be magnified into a soup-tureen; urns
will swell into the size of beer-barrels; and a tea-caddy will assume the
dimensions of nothing smaller than a corn-bin. The carts of No. One, St.
Paul's," will vie in grandeur with Barclay and Perkins' drays; and John will
be told to go down into the cellar to bring up another hogshead of the Best
Sixpenny Mixed." Scandal, which, next to the sloe, forms the principal
ingredient in every brewing of tea, will increase also in proportion to the con-
sumption. No one's reputation will be safe. It will be quite frightful to
calculate the dear innocents who will die the death of kittens in the social
cup," and the innumerable characters that will be put into scalding water,
and scraped as clean as bitter-almonds, at every The B&union !" Washer-
women too-the greatest trait in whose amphibious characters is proverbially
the tea-tray-will be in a state of celestial scan. mag. all day, and will fine-
draw their customers' respectability at the same time that they mangle their
linen. Female society, in short, will grow into a species of Inhumane Society;
and inquests will be held amongst gentlemen after dinner on the lost reputa-
tion of their friends, and the verdict will be "Felo-de-se at Mrs. Candour's
Tea-party," or "Found Drowned in a Teetotaller's slop-basin." Husbands
of England! beware of Cheap Tea, or else the sugar-tongs may be turned
against you in the same way that St. Dunstan treated a certain French
gentleman by the nose.

2-a-

A GOOD CUI' OF TEA. (WREN TITE'Dl'Y IS TAEI\'OP.F)

~Pn~ In-orrPMcrdoLT~oor*r
4f Dudrhy. and a~a~Per
~Kysoa ando
e~oitrr ~F'4;uovnd d
~i~-~1~e~t -

1848.] 197

LAYS OF MODERN BABYLON.
BY YOUNG WHAT D' Y' CALL.
(AGED NINE YEARS AND A DAY.)

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD AND HER DOG.

THE ancient dame of Hubbard,
More ancient there are none,
Has hied her to her cupboard,
To fetch her dog a bone;
From shelf to shelf her eyeballs
Quickly and madly glare,
The cupboard of Dame Hubbard
Is desolate and bare.
Again, with eagle's vision,
She scans the wretched void;
She seeks a bone; but there is none,
And none that dog enjoyed.

Now for a pleasant substitute
She racks her puzzled head,
And to the baker's darts she forth
To buy the dog some bread.
But presently returning
With all that she required,
The bread falls from her palsied hand-
Ha! ha! the dog's expired.
The mournful rights of sepulture
She hastens to fulfil;
And at an undertaker's
Incurs a heavy bill.

A coffin she has purchased,
And madly rushes in;
Jupiter Gammon! there's the dog
Upon the broad, broad grin!
Bewilderment and pleasure
For mastery contend:
Dame Hubbard's startled by the dog
But glad to see the friend.
She fain would entertain him
With something to his wish;
To fetch some tripe, she gives a wipe
To a half dusty dish.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

I

Then, fleet of foot and gay of heart,
Returning with the tripe,
She dimly sees, throughclouds of smoke,
Her dog behind a pipe.
But when did woman's patience
Fall overcome and dead?
Never while Mother Hubbard
Had heart, and heels, and head!
Off to the tavern straight she flew
For wine, drawn from the wood;
She brought it-and upon his head
The dog inverted stood.
Untiring and undaunted,
A fruiterer she sought;
The fair and fragrant gooseberry,
The currants, too, she bought;
The strawberry, whose noble leaves
Of dukedom are the type;
The raspberry, which, like the mind,
Is long in getting ripe: [small;
She bought them all, both great and
But entering with the fruit,
The sound of melody she heard-
The dog did play the flute.
The dame was not insensible,
The music touched her heart;
He should have man's attire, said she,
Who plays a mortal part.
And acting on the impulse,
A tailor's shop she gained,
Where a paletot, lately registered,
Was speedily obtained.
She had not reached her cottage door
(She carried still the coat)
When she beheld upon the green
Her dog, who rode a goat.
Another mission, and the last,
Dame Hubbard doth perform;
A wig, she reason'd to herself,
Would keep the dog's head warm.
Then with the wig upon her arm
She towards her dog advanced,
And found him strangely occupied-
A jig he wildly danced.
Gay hose from the hosier she obtained,
A glass he stood before,
Wrapt in self-admiration
For his gay clothes he wore

[1848.

ABSENTEES AND EMIGRANTS DURING 1847.

When old men on the winter's night
Shall mix their pleasant grog,
And youth attempts its first cigar,
Think of Dame Hubbard's dog.
When the maiden of the household
For sweet repose prepares,
Taking the rushlight and the plate,
One in each hand, upstairs-
Think of the good Dame Hubbard,
And hope through life to jog
With a friend that's half as faithful
As her old eccentric dog.
G. A. A'B.

DIFFICULT THINGS TO BE MET WITH ON THE
CONTINENT.
A table d'h6te without a single Smith.
A monument that has not an English name upon it.
A waiter at any of the hotels on the Rhine that does not sell
eau-de-Cologne.
A bit of soap that can be persuaded to lather.
A Frenchman on the field of the Battle of Waterloo.
Two fine young Englishmen dining without champagne.
A Dutchman on the top of the spire of Strasburg Cathedral.
A Commissionaire, or a Conducteur, or a Portier, that has not
served in the Imperial Guard.
A Frenchman speaking any language but his own, an English-
man that looks happy, a German that looks clean, or a pig that
has the slightest resemblance to a Christian pig.
The precise rule of arithmetic by which hotel bills, particularly
in Switzerland, are made out.
An Irishman, a Welshman, and a Gascon travelling together.
A party of English ladies the payment of whose luggage does
not far exceed their railway-fare.
A looking-glass without a group of Frenchmen before it.
A regular John Bull returning home who is not glad to get back
again to England.

ABSENTEES AND EMIGRANTS DURING 1847.
Lucy NEALE has returned, after a sojourn of many months, to
Ethiopia, where it is to be hoped she will pass the remainder of
her days. She was accompanied by Mr. Daniel Tucker, Miss Mary
Blane, a large suite of buffalo gals, and other sable bores. Specie
to a very large amount was carried off by Bones, and his numerous
instruments.
The TWELVE FLOUNCES which were conspicuous last year in the
most fashionable circles, and were seen everywhere dangling after

ABSENTEES AND EMIGRANTS DURING 1847.

When old men on the winter's night
Shall mix their pleasant grog,
And youth attempts its first cigar,
Think of Dame Hubbard's dog.
When the maiden of the household
For sweet repose prepares,
Taking the rushlight and the plate,
One in each hand, upstairs-
Think of the good Dame Hubbard,
And hope through life to jog
With a friend that's half as faithful
As her old eccentric dog.
G. A. A'B.

DIFFICULT THINGS TO BE MET WITH ON THE
CONTINENT.
A table d'h6te without a single Smith.
A monument that has not an English name upon it.
A waiter at any of the hotels on the Rhine that does not sell
eau-de-Cologne.
A bit of soap that can be persuaded to lather.
A Frenchman on the field of the Battle of Waterloo.
Two fine young Englishmen dining without champagne.
A Dutchman on the top of the spire of Strasburg Cathedral.
A Commissionaire, or a Conducteur, or a Portier, that has not
served in the Imperial Guard.
A Frenchman speaking any language but his own, an English-
man that looks happy, a German that looks clean, or a pig that
has the slightest resemblance to a Christian pig.
The precise rule of arithmetic by which hotel bills, particularly
in Switzerland, are made out.
An Irishman, a Welshman, and a Gascon travelling together.
A party of English ladies the payment of whose luggage does
not far exceed their railway-fare.
A looking-glass without a group of Frenchmen before it.
A regular John Bull returning home who is not glad to get back
again to England.

ABSENTEES AND EMIGRANTS DURING 1847.
Lucy NEALE has returned, after a sojourn of many months, to
Ethiopia, where it is to be hoped she will pass the remainder of
her days. She was accompanied by Mr. Daniel Tucker, Miss Mary
Blane, a large suite of buffalo gals, and other sable bores. Specie
to a very large amount was carried off by Bones, and his numerous
instruments.
The TWELVE FLOUNCES which were conspicuous last year in the
most fashionable circles, and were seen everywhere dangling after

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

the' heels of the finest ladies, have likewise left the shores of
England. It has been said they have been "tucked up" com-
fortably in France.
The WooD PAVEMENT has broken up its numerous establishments
about town, and is now nearly swept away from the surface of
London. Wood has been turned out of the city as well as Middle-
sex, though it was thought he would have been returned at the
head of the poll, so numerous were the plumpers he received from
the immense bodies of the corporation. He has been dreadfully
cut up lately, and has retired into private life, for no one is better
qualified to shine on the domestic hearth than Wood. When he is
in one of his lively sparkles, every one draws in a circle round him,
and even the coldest person holds out a hand to him, and is glad to
stir him up.
ToM THUMB is at present in America, after having made his for-
tune in England, like a pastrycook, by selling kisses. He was the
first to start the cheap 'busses. He has lately been married to a
dwarf. Barnum, his keeper, says the marriage must be a happy
one, for there can be no doubt about wearing the breeches, since
husband and wife only make up between them

"A PAIR OF SMALLS."
THE BRITISH DRAMA.-It has gone no one knows where. It is at
present an absentee, but is expected to come before the public again
shortly. Rumour says it is on a visit to Mr. Macready. It could
not have a better guardian, for it is not the first time Mr. Macready
has proved himself perfect host for the British Drama. The last
accounts, however, were that it was stopping at the Wells for the
benefit of the waters, and that it was so far improved in health as
to be able to draw a very large house.
THE OLD PARLIAMENT.- It left England last July, after an
unusually long residence in London of seven years. It has left
Behind one representative, called "Free Trade," now aged two
years. According to the latest inquiries, it was doing as well as
could be expected."
ETON MONTEM.-For particulars of this absentee, please inquire
at the different masquerade shops.

[1848.

201

THE UNIVERSAL SMASHER.
SMASH" is a word peculiarly the pro-
perty of the Fast Man." We believe it
a means to break, demolish, crush, annihi-
Slate. Like repudiation, it is of American
origin, for we recollect there is the ele-
gant Yankee term, eternal smash." A
S smasher," consequently, is one who
smashes; and the Universal Smasher is
a young gentleman whose particular vo-
cation and amusement is to smash every-
thing and everybody.
We remember meeting with
one, after the first night of a
I new comedy, at a popular cafi,
where the clever young wits
Sof the day mostly con-
e gregate to lay down
Sthe law for England
upon fashion, literature,
Cigars, royalty, casinos,
metaphysics,ballet-girls,
and morality.
He attracted our notice first by speaking very loudly, and calling
out, in a voice as voluminous as the late lamented Mr. Toole's,
"Waiter, another bottle of ginger-beer 1" It was not so much the
order, as the martial tone in which it was conveyed, that first
awakened our curiosity. We expected, at least, to see a giant. We
turned round and only found a pigmy. It was our wonder how so
big a voice could find a residence in so small a body. But if the voice
was immense, what were the sentiments that we afterwards heard
emanate from the same lips !
The poor author, whose piece but two minutes ago had been
announced amidst the greatest applause "for every night until
further notice," was declaredto be an impudent nobody." Every
one of his brilliant jokes was stolen; all his points, only points
gained by cribbage. The young gentleman before us traced the
pedigree of every epigram, gave the descent of each witticism, proved
the birth of the plot, and established beyond a doubt the parentage
of each separate scene. "A comedy, sir! It's no more a comedy
than Joe Miller's a comedy. Dramatise a Jest Book-give it a pro-
verb for a title, and you will have a better comedy than that. I
tell you what it is, sir,-Jones must be smashed!"
He had no sooner come to this decision than there sounded and
resounded a tremendous echo of long-repeated "hip-hip-hurrahs !"
We inquired whence they came. It was a supper-party upstairs
commemorating the glorious triumph of the evening. Poor Jones i
he little thought that moment, when probably he was returning

202 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1848.

thanks for his health, and was full of joy, champagne, and the
happy intoxication of success, that the decree had just been irrevo-
cably passed that "he must be smashed !"
The conversation travelled on. Our unknown friend next criti-
cised the actors. One was "a stick," another a "pump;" the
gentlemen were "muffs;" the ladies something that may be con-
ceived, but cannot be printed. The unhappy manager even did not
escape. "He had never seen a piece worse put upon the stage. It
would disgrace a penny theatre. By Heavens! he would show him
up-such a humbug must be smashed!"
We looked with awe upon this wholesale "smasher." We trembled
lest we should be the next victim, and involuntarily curled ourselves.
up in the dark corner of the box to avoid his destructive notice.
A stranger who came in happened to lay upon the table a series
of engravings, which had just been published, and were selling, it
was reported, most extensively. "Excuse me, sir," he said, taking
up one of them; I hope you've not been buying this rubbish P It
is nothing but a rank imitation of Hogarth-without any of his
talent, execution, or purpose. It is satire diluted to the weakest
gin and water. The fellow who has put his name to it deserves to
be smashed, and I have a good mind to do it."
"In mercy, I hope, you will change your mind, sir," said the
stranger, rising and taking off his hat; or at all events, that you
will stop till I have had my supper. You wouldn't smash a poor
'fellow' with an empty stomach, surely ?" and he held out his hand
with smiling good-humour to his intended smasher."
The laugh went against the latter, and seemingly it did not
sweeten much the fine cordial spirit through which he viewed men
and things.
In the course of the general conversation Macbeth" was men-
tioned. "Macbeth!" he exclaimed; "a stupid, vulgar melodrama,
only fit for the Britannia Saloon. Why, it wouldn't succeed at the
present day unless it was brought out as a pantomime with plenty
of blue fire. Inmy opinion, Shakspeare is a tremendous do-I don't
hesitate to say so-and I should like uncommonly to smash him."
Tennyson shortly afterwards was declared to be deserving of the
same fate.
Byron also was a great mistake; Walter Scott, too, was no better,
and they ought both of them to be smashed.
Shelley was an impudent pretender, and ought properly to have
been smashed long ago. By Jove, he'd do it some day!
It was poor Goldsmith's turn next; but he relented, saying, with
a mutilated sigh, he was scarcely worth smashing.
But Milton was "a ponderous take-in-a violent mistake." He
was very good for old women, no doubt, but as heavy as cold
dumpling; and nothing but sheer starvation could force him down
his throat. He wished to Heaven some one would smash him !
Present authors were knocked on the head in the same heavy
pavior's-hammer style of criticism. Who was Dickens, pray? only

1848.] THE UNIVERSAL SMASHER. 203

an inventory-taker! What was Bulwer? the hero of sixteen novels I
James was a drug-a perfect James's powder: Sheridan Knowles
a Fitzball in blank verse! And as for the ladies, they were all-
poetesses, novelists, political economists, and generous Newgate
visitors-the whole Fry of them, smashed indiscriminately of a heap!
We wonder how so many of them have survived.
We never witnessed such cruel slaughter. It was a regular battle
of great men and noble characters. Everybody, no matter how high
or low in the world, was fair game for this Universal Smasher.
His mouth was a Perkins' steam-gun, firing a hundred small shot
every minute. Papers and periodicals were brought down by the
same process of sharp-shooting. The Times ought decidedly to be
smashed. It only wanted three good men to do it;-he'd put his
name down for one. The Spectator was a block of Wenham ice-
not even fit for sherry-cobblers. The Atheneum was an immense
but, that butted at everybody. The Examiner bowstringed the
Queen's English, and strangled common-sense. And as for Punch,
it was a damp squib-that was fizzing, or attempting to fizz, every
week; and the sooner it was smashed the better!
We felt uneasy in the presence of such a tremendous man. We
longed to possess the faculty of the telescope, and slide into our
selves one-sixth of our natural length. We felt confident, if we
remained much longer exposed to the blows of one who hit so hard,
that we should inevitably be smashed into such very small bits that
if we were ever put together again we should always be pointed at
afterwards as the most curious specimen of mosaic. A runaway
engine in a crockery shop could not create a greater feeling of alarm
amongst the cups and saucers than that infernal little smashing
machine imparted to our fragile nature. We need not say, there-
fore, how relieved we felt when a venerable bald head in the room
rose, and very quietly said, "Gentlemen, we have heard and seen a
deal of smashing to-night. Everybody, great and small, has been
smashed in his turn. Not a person, living or dead, has the slightest
reason to complain; they have all been smashed fairly and equally
together. Now, I only want to know, after our friend has smashed
everybody-which he must do if he goes on at the present rapid
rate-whatever will he do ultimately with himself ?"
"Oh! leave him alone," we could not help exclaiming; "he'll
smash himself !"
There was a general laugh, and the Universal Smasher left the
room, giving us, as he passed us, such a look that we felt we were
doomed. That look clearly said-it pierced us like an arrow with
a message tied to it-" To be smashed in our next." We hope all
benevolent souls will pray for us !
"Who is he P" we asked, as soon as we breathed again.
"Don't you know ?" said our neighbour, with the greatest
astonishment. "He's Brown I"
Who's Brown ?" we inquired, in a faltering voice, and a cold
shiver.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

It's strange you never heard of Brown! He's the editor of the
Penny Whistle."
"Oh, indeed !"
We have inquired everywhere-we have offered any sum of money
-we have begged and prayed of newsvendors and friends, and
bookstall-hunters, to buy us, at any price, the Penny Whistle; but
we have not seen yet that fearful work of extermination. We now
offer a reward of 1001., and our blessing, to anybody who will send
us a copy of it, no matter how dirty it may be. We shall not be
happy till we know positively whether we are smashed or not!

THE RESPECTABLE MAN.
A HIGITLY respectable Man
Is Iscariot Ingots, Esquire,
He's Post Obits" on half the Blue Book,"
And a mortgage or two in each Shire;
And having more cash than he needs,
Why he lends to the poor all he can,
And only takes sixty per cent.,
Like a highly respectable Man.
He's his house like a nobleman's furnish'd,
His sideboard, too, blazing with plate,
And half silver, half gold, you'd declare
It belong'd to some peer of the State;
So it did-till he seiz'd it in payment
Of his sixty per centum per ann.;
And now he gives dinners to show it,
Like a highly respectable Man.

His Father-in-law's an Attorney,
And his Brother a Dealer in Wine,
And his Brother-in-law's a Bum-bailiff,
And his Son in the Auctioneer line;
So first you've "half wine" for your Bills,
Then are sued, seiz'd, sold up by the Clan;
For he loves to assist his relations,
Like a highly respectable Man.
For the Assurance of Lives he's an Office,
To make his small profits the more;
If you ask him to discount, he tells you
For security you must insure."
Adding all honest men ought to do so-
Besides it's so easy a plan,
And with something to leave on your death-bed,
You die such a respectable Man."

[1848.

THE RESPECTABLE MAN.

It is said he's a tyrant at home,
That the jewels his Wife has for show,
Were all of them salves for some wound-
That each diamond's heal'd up a blow;
That his Children, on hearing his knock,
To the top of the house always ran-
But with ten thousand pounds at his Banker's
He's of course a respectable Man,
Yet he's kindness itself to young bloods,"
And when Lordlings solicit his aid,
Why he talks like a Father, and asks
How is sixty per cent. to be paid ?
Such extravagance really would ruin
The richest in all Hindostan;
But to serve them he'll do a "Post Obit"
Like a highly respectable Man.
Still some scoundrels" declare he's hardhearted-
That he curses each beggar he meets-
That for rent he unhous'd his old Father,
And of want let him die in the streets.
Pooh! pooh! he subscribes every quarter
For the Mission'ries sent to Japan,
And if that doesn't make one respectable,
Why, what is a respectable Man ?
Of Religion he well knows the value,
For he was the first of beginners
To run up a fashionable Chapel
For elegant mis'rable sinners;"
And to hire a good-looking Parson
To tell Dowagers "life's but a span,"
For he loves to serve both God and Mammon,
Like a highly respectable Man.
His Daughter has married for love,
Though she'd offers from persons of Rank,
And "my Lady" at least might have been
With the money he had in the Bank;
But since she thought fit to disgrace him,
She may live in the best way she can,
So he leaves his own Daughter to starve,
Like a highly respectable Man.
Then he makes a fresh will ev'ry quarter-
Or when he's a fit of "the blues"-
Or his Wife has offended him somehow-
Or some Son will not follow his views;
And he threatens to leave them all beggars,
Whene'er they come under his ban-
He'll bequeath all his wealth to an Hospital,
Like a highly respectable Man.

206 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1848.

EVERY-DAY RECIPES.
BY A VERY FAST IMAN.
How TO GET A RIDE FOR NOTHING.-When you have reached your desti-
nation you must scream out in a loud voice of alarm, Hallo! stop--I've got
into the wrong omnibus," and rush out as quickly as you can, blowing up the
conductor for having brought you so much out of your way.

S'ULL INSIDE, SBI, BUT PLENTY OP BOOM 01 THE TOP."
How TO LIVE UPON NOTHING A-YEAn.-Get elected a Member of Parlia-
ment, and you may contract as many debts as you please without paying one
-of them.
How TO GET A DOZEN Or WINE FOE NOTHING.-Go to twelve different
wine-merchants, and get each of them to send you in a sample bottle. You
have only to say afterwards the wine isn't exactly to your taste-you wanted
a much fuller wine-and you may get another dozen by the same means free
of expense.
HOW TO GET A GLASS OF WARM BRANDY AND WATER FOR NOTHING.-
Fall in the ice, and you will be carried to the Royal Humane Society's esta-
blishment, and a glass of brandy and water will be given to you directly. If
you are very bad a second will be administered, and you will be put to bed,
and have a good tuck in" into the bargain.
HoW TO GET A LIBRARY FOR NOTHING.--Borrow books, and, of course,
keep them.
HoW TO GET A LUNCHEON FOK NOTHING.-Look in at the auctions, and
patronize one where there is a sale of wine. Take a biscuit with you, and
you may have as many glasses of port or sherry as you please. Just make a
small bid now and then, for recollect Homer sometimes nodded.
How TO HAVE YOUR PORTRAIT TAKEN FOR NOTHING.--Just fight a duel,
or run away with somebody's wife, and your portrait is sure to be given in
one of the illustrated papers.
How TO DRESS FOR NOTHING.-Go to an advertising tailor, and get him
to take out your clothes in poetry. The same with your hatter, bootmaker,
and hosier. Your poetry must be very poor stuff if you cannot get a suit of
clothes out of it, and its feet must be lame indeed if they do not afford you a
pair of Wellingtons.

CURIOUS SUMS FOR THE CALCULATING MACHINE.
BY JOLLY COCKER.
CALCULATE the number of English ladies who understand French
thoroughly; can read it, but cannot speak it.
Deduct the amount that has been lost at railways from that
which has been made by them, and state what article of value the
difference (if any) will purchase.
The ages of seven elderly ladies amount in their passports to
148; find out their real ages.
Ten friends of Green sit down to play at unlimited loo, and 931.
are lost before the morning. Everybody declares he has lost.
You are to find out, if you can, which of the party has won ?
The population of the earth is 800,000,000. Required to find
one person who will mind his own business.
Thompson (of the Albany) pays 121. annually for income-tax.
His cigars cost him as much; his opera-stall four times as much;
his horse six times as much; and his gloves, bouquets, bets, and
tiger ten times as much. What is Thompson's real income ?
A carpet-bag of an ordinary capacity will hold two coats, three
pairs of trousers, one dressing-case, one pair of boots, six shirts,
two night ditto, three pairs of stockings, six collars, and one
dressing-gown. These articles can be put into it with perfect ease
when you are going to make a week's stay in the country. How
much will the same carpet-bag contain if you are going to Boulogne
for an indefinite period ?
Solomons buys a diamond ring for 11. He sells it, and loses
"thirty shillings, by Gosh, by it." He buys it again, and sells it
at another loss of 21. How much does Solomons make by the
ring ?
Your tailor applies for money; "He has a little bill to take
up." There are 30,000 tailors in London. What is the sum total
of all the little bills they have to take up in the course of the year ?
A "Triumphant Success" averages generally from 51. to
51. 17s. 6d.; Crowded Houses" hold 61.; Overflowing Audi-
ences" will bring in as much as 81. 12s. How much is a "Blaze
of Triumph" worth P
The two Doves are always quarrelling. Mrs. Dove is very ill-
tempered, and Mr. Dove very obstinate. He will smoke cigars at
home-will stir the fire with the bright poker-will bring friends
home late to supper-will whistle; all of which practices Mrs.
Dove abominates. She remonstrates; Mr. Dove retaliates. A
tiff ensues; and Mrs. Dove goes home to her mother. Ascertain
the mean difference between them; and state the amount which
Dove has to pay every year in diamonds, boxes to the opera, new
velvet gowns, and trips out of town.

Why are the Protectionists like walnuts ?
Because they are very troublesome to Peel.

[1848.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

ANECDOTES OF SCIENCE.
PERFECTLY ORIGINAL.
STAYS were first invented by a brutal butcher of the thirteenth century as
a punishment for his wife. She was very loquacious; and finding nothing
would cure her, he put a pair of stays on her in order to take away her
breath; and so prevent, as he thought, her talking. This cruel punishment
was inflicted by other husbands, till at last there was scarcely a wife in all
London who was not condemned to wear stays. The punishment became so
universal at last that the ladies in their own defence made a fashion of it,
and so it has continued to the present day.
BERLIN GLOvEs.-The custom of servants wearing Berlin gloves at dinner
was introduced by Sir Jonas Bullock in 1811. He had a favourite black
servant who used always to wait at dinner. The Lady Mayoress was dining
with him one Sunday, and she had occasion to call for some blanc-mange.
His black servant brought it to her, when his large black thumb by the side
of the blanc-mange had such a shock upon her ladyship's feelings that she
fainted away and was carried home to the Mansion House in a state of great
danger. She never rallied. Sir Jonas was so hurt by this melancholy
event that he insisted upon his servants for the future always wearing
Berlin gloves when they waited at table; and from this the fashion was
introduced at Devonshire House, and then at Court.
MuFFrIN.-We know very little of muffins previous to Johnson's time.
They are supposed to have been invented by a Scotch physician, who was
attached to the suite of a German Count who came over with George I.
He gave the recipe for nothing to a baker, on condition of his providing him
with the address of all his customers. The bargain was faithfully carried
out. The physician died extremely rich, and the baker also. Crumpets
and Life Pills were likewise their invention.
BONNETS were made, only fifty years ago, by a French milliner who was
exceedingly ugly. The gamins used to follow her, and laugh at her, calling
her nose, which was very large, the most ridiculous names. This annoyed
the poor milliner, and she invented the bonnet to escape their ribaldry.
The disguise was so effectual that every Frenchwoman who was no prettier
than herself was glad to adopt it. Those who were not ugly formed such a
small minority that whenever they appeared they were sure to monopolize
all the notice and gallantry of the gentlemen. This exposed them to the
sarcasms and envy of their own sex, till they were compelled at last to
assume the same hideous style of head-dress. The marvel is that the fashion
should ever have become popular in England.
CURRANT-JELLY was first eaten with hare in 1715. There were no pota-
toes at table, when the Duchesse de Pentonville (then an emigrant), asked
what there was. "Nothing but confitures," was the reply of the maitre
d'hotel. "Bring me the confitures, then," said the lively Duchesse; and
she selected the currant-jelly, much to the amusement of all the nobles
present. The king, however, hearing of this, ordered hare for dinner, pur-
posely to try it with the currant-jelly, and he liked it so well that he con-
tinued it for six days together; and so the currant-jelly spread all over
London till it became an established fashion in the best English society.
ELECTRICITY.-Franklin brought down the lightning with a kite; but this
stroke, wonderful as it is, is nothing compared to the daring flight of a Mr.

Prettiman in the month of September last. After various trials, a few
generous friends having supplied him with rope enough, he succeeded, by
some great attraction, in bringing down 1541. 17s. 21d., simply by flying a
little kite in the city; and this, too, was achieved at a time when there was
the greatest difficulty in raising the wind, and there was scarcely a penny
stirring anywhere. He has since tried the experiment, but it has failed
every time, owing, it is reported, to his paper being a little too flimsy.
TmumcPH or MAGNETisr.-Dr. Ell-ts-n declared, that by magnetizing
a person he could make him see most clearly the interior of himself. The
Marquis of L-nd-nd-y called, and insisted upon a trial upon himself; no
other proof, he declared, would satisfy him that mesmerism wasn't a hollow
humbug. Accordingly he was put into the most beautiful state of coma.
"Now look into your head," said the Doctor, "and tell me what do you
see?" "See?" answered the magnetized patient; "why, stuff and non-
sense! I see nothing at all." "Look again." "It's quite useless: I tell
you there's nothing in it." The Marquis was quite furious when told the
result of the experiment; but he consoles himself with the reflection that
there is a great deal more in mesmerism than meets the eye. The talented
Doctor has since favoured us with the following aphorism:-
In ridiculing a science, a man cannot look too deeply into his own head before he
declares that there is nothing in it."

BEWARE.

BEWARE of a man who travels with a pair of dtielling pistols.
Beware of a young lady who calls you by your Christian name the first
time she meets you.
Beware of port at 30s. a dozen.
Beware of a lodging-house where you are treated as one of the family."
Beware of every cheap substitute for silver," excepting gold.
Beware of cigars that are bought of a bold smuggler" in the street.
Beware of a wife that talks about her dear husband," and that beauti-
ful shawl" in her sleep.
Beware of a gentleman who is "up" to all the clever tricks, and knows
a dodge or two," at cards.
Beware of giving an order to a deaf man on the first night of a new piece.
He is sure to laugh and applaud in the wrong places, and so cause a dis-
turbance which may be fatal to the success of your farce.
Beware of entering a French shop which has the following inscription:-

"HERE THEY SPIKE THE ENGLISH,"
unless you can speak French very correctly, or are prepared to pay for the
consequences.

1848.]

BEWARE.

210 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1848.

MATRIMONIAL WEATHER TABLE;

TO BE HUNG UP IN ALL PANTRIES AND SERVANTS' HALS.

Constructed by a Butler of.twenty-nine years' standing behind his Master's
and Missus's chair.

S\--

i7-rj.

Causes of Change.

Cold meat for dinner

Money forte housekeeping:
weekly expenses produced

A proposal to go up the
Rhme, or to Baden Baden

Hint of an evening or dinner
party

A box for the Opera

No one down to breakfast at
10 o'clock to make tea

Indications.

Very Sharp and Cutting;
dead calm; horizon very
black
Very Stormy; repeated
thunderstorms about 10
a.m.; violent explosion at
"Sundries"
xNNNNNNO, or

NNNNNNXo

Extremely Close; heavy
clouds on master's brow;
gloomy depression; mis-
tress and the young ladies
Rainy

The same, with additional
closeness

Regular Storm, blowing up
everybody, and which
makes the bells ring all
over the house

Boys home for the holidays Unsettled; continual hurri-
I cane for six weeks

Results and Dreadful
Consequences.

A visit, directly after din-
ner, to the club

The puddings arecut off, and
the servants' beer

A trip to Ramsgateor Broad-
stairs, and master goes
down on Saturdays and
returns on Mondays
The old Mr. and Mrs.
Glumpy are asked to
dinner, and the Misses and
young Mr. Glumpy and a
few friends are asked to
drop in in the evening
Tickets forthe Horticultural,
or seats taken at the
Lyceum
Missus unwell; cannot come
down to breakfast; the
young ladies suddenly
indisposed," and do not
show themselves; master
goes out, and slams the
door fit to shake the house
down
Repeated thrashings

MATRIMONIAL WEATHER TABLE.

Causes of Change. Indications. Res andDreadful
Consequences.

New baby, or a new pair of Squally and changeable
boots

Dividend day

Series of contradictions

Taxes

Washing day

Grand dinner party

Grand evening party

Fair

High wind; very Stormy;
air charged with thunder

Foul; every symptom of a
Storm, but carried off to-
wards the evening by a
timely cheque
Very Rainy, pours buckets
from morning tonight; up
to your ankles in water

Sharp, Frosty, and Unsettled
in the morning; very Hot
before dinner; exceedingly
Fair at dinner; pointing to
Wet after, and frequent
Storms towards 12 p.m.
Strange singing in the ears
and dancing before the eyes
all night; curious noises
over head, and a fearful
famine that devours every-
thing about 1 am.; blows
dreadful cornet-a-pistons
till the next morning

Dines out; home very late.
(Let him take care to whom
it falls to pull off master's
boots on a night like this !)
Theatre; oysters for supper
(perhaps); a new bonnet
Nervous headache; mistress
dines in her bedroom; no
pudding for dinner, or
essert
Finding fault with every-
thing; cook blown up for
dinner, and one or two ser-
vants discharged
Master dines at club; not
home till late; smokes a
cigar in the evening; mis-
tress faints
Abusing the servants, and
counting the spoons, and
running throughthe guests
as soon as -they are gone.
Coldmeat next day, carried
offwith pickles
Nothing but barley- sugar
temples for breakfast, and
blane-manges for dinner
for days afterwards

GENaERA OassEvATrows.-When it is Fair, the servants or guests in the house can
move about with the greatest safety; but if it is at all Cloudy, or the weather looks in the
least Unsettled, then he had better look twice at the above table before he takes the
smallest step, or else he will have the matrimonial storm breaking over his head., If missus
is out, then the atmosphere is generally Fair; but it is invariably Stormy when master
goes out and does not come home for dinner. If master and missus are bothin, look out
or a change or a sudden squall; and the eyes of missus will probably point to Wet.

1848.]

211

212 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1848.

THE GULL.

On, the London Gull is a curious bird,
He'll believe of an omnibus cad the word;
And if for Brixton he is bound,
In a Chelsea bus he will be found,
\ Oh, the rare old Gull, with a rare old quill,
For a rare old friend will accept a bill;
N And, it's rather superfluous to say
That the Gull the bill will have to pay.
The Gull, to free him from human ills,
Will gulp down boxes of Holloway's pills;
And will rub his hair three times a-day
With stuff to prevent it from turning grey.
He is right; for, to give the stuff its due,
; It turns the hair not grey but blue.
Oh, the Gull, in the course of his evening walk,
When he sees a fellow with face of chalk,
Standing beneath a gas-light's glare,
And looking the picture of meek despair,
With a well-brush'd coat of rusty black,
A child in each hand and three at his back,
With pinafores clean, and little white caps,
Will give the scoundrel sixpence, perhaps.
For the Gull don't know that the pallid cheek
Is cleverly lin'd with the whitening's streak;
And the Gull is equally blind to the fact
That the children have all maturity's tact
In assuming the looks of want and woe-
That, in fact, their business well they know.
The Gull will often go to the play,
Where for the dress-circle he'll blandly pay,
And will credit the boxkeeper's whisper low,
That the places are taken in every row;
But he thinks one vacancy he may find
If the Gull to fee him should feel inclin'd.
When, of course, the obliging Gull is willing
To pay the myrmidon a shilling;
And finds himself, when the evening's gone,
In a front seat sitting all alone.
For, strange is the fact, that all who pay
For taking front seats remain away.
Oh, the fine old Gull, when the fact he reads
Of a tradesman who twenty sovereigns needs,
And thrice the security offers to lodge,
Is instantly caught by the rare old dodge,
And lends the sum on an-I 0 U,
With a pawnbroker's duplicate or two.

A PRIZE BAD JOKE.

But the twenty pounds, when he comes to claim,
He finds how worthless the tradesman's name;
And when with the duplicates off he goes
To the pawnbroker's shop, they the fact disclose,
That the documents all are forged-odd zounds!
By the tradesman who wanted the twenty pounds.
And of everything making a similar mull,
Quite ruin'd at last is the rare old Gull.

THE DOMESTIC SERVANTS' EARLY CLOSING
MOVEMENT.
A GREAT domestic movement is in agitation, which, it is expected,
will convulse the social fabric from the area upwards, and shake
our households, not only to their centres, but to the very top of our
chimney-pots, our weathercocks, and our cowls. The contemplated
measure is a demand on the part of our domestic servants for a
general early closing of all private houses at eight o'clock, so that
after that hour the cooks, housemaids, nursery-maids, and others
in our establishments may go forth in search of moral and intellec-
tual recreation in the open air. It is argued, and with a considerable
show of justice, that after cooking our dinners, and washing up
our tea-things, the female servant has a right to go and get her
mind cultivated, and her tastes elevated, or, as it were, put in soak
in the fountain of the Muses, to be rinsed, and send forth its
gushings when fitting opportunity might offer.
The Domestic Early Closing Movement will entail on the masters
the necessity of limiting their wants, and allowing none to extend
beyond eight P.M., which it is contended will be found quite long
enough for all reasonable purposes.
The moral and intellectual training will generally be commenced
by the policeman on the beat, but as boldness increases, the domestic
servant may venture to improve her mind at some of the harmonic
meetings in the neighbourhood of her master's residence. Adjacent
barracks will be particularly sought after for the culture which it is
the object of the Female Servants' Early Closing Movement to
obtain.

A PRIZE BAD JOKE.
A GENTLEMAN of fortune having offered a prize of 1001. for the
best bad joke, we beg he will send the money immediately to Mr.
Bogue's, as we challenge the world to produce a better worse joke
than the following:-
Why is a cab-stand, the horses of which have the new Patent
Inflated Horse Collars, likely to be serviceable to ballooning ?
Because it is the latest improvement in air-'os-station!
(Three cheers, boys! hip hip hurrah !)

1848.]

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

MATERIALS FOR AN IRISH SPEECH.
"SAXON -oppression-moral force dagger-forefathers-re-
venge-first gem of the sea-trampled upon-oh!-finest pea-
santry-Cromwell-slaughter-Erin's daughters-blood boil-ah !
cruelty-debt of 80,000,000-robbery-sacrilege for 500 years-
tyranny-be Irishmen-assert yourselves-pikes-iron bars on the
railways-moral force-be patient-repeal-hereditary bondsmen
would you be free ?-pay in your subscriptions"-(tremendous
cheering !)
By filling in any ordinary words to make a kind of grammatical
sense of the above (though that is not absolutely necessary), an
excellent Conciliation Hall speech, or a Monster Meeting harangue,
inculcating peace, quiet, and content, in the true Irish incendiary
fashion, may be produced during any month of the year, but if it
is in the depth of the winter, the effect, of course, is considerably
stronger.-N.B. Patriots' materials made up in the same way on
the shortest notice.

SWEET ARE THE USES OF TEARS.
A GERMAN chemist has discovered this year that there is sugar
in tears. We have been told by poets that there is sweetness in
all things," but we little thought that it lurked in the corner of
every squint. We always thought that crying was a sign rather
of a sour disposition, but according to this new discovery it would
seem that the more a lady cries the more her temper is sweetened
by it. By-the-bye, hysterics must be invaluable to a cook on board
wages who has to find her own sugar What a lump of sweetness,
too, Niobe must have been,-for she was all tears." To a grocer
of the present day she would have been invaluable, for she would
have supplied him all the year round with "the very best moist."

COPY-BOOK TEXTS FOR YOUNG AUTHORS JUST
BEGINNING TO WRITE.
FAR-FETCHED puns corrupt good jokes.
Hate a Scotticism as you would a Printer's Devil.
Beware of Irish mad bulls.
There's many a slip between the MS. and the tip.
Whatever is, don't write.
One purchaser is worth a dozen pressmen.
The best proof of a work is in the selling.
If you wish to know all the errors in your book, get a friend to
review it.
Persons who write to see their names in print should recollect
that a hundred cards only cost five shillings!
There's but one step from the publisher's to the buttermonger's,.
Paternoster Row is the beginning of Amen Corner.
Never pause for a word as long as there is Finis."

[1848.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

MATERIALS FOR AN IRISH SPEECH.
"SAXON -oppression-moral force dagger-forefathers-re-
venge-first gem of the sea-trampled upon-oh!-finest pea-
santry-Cromwell-slaughter-Erin's daughters-blood boil-ah !
cruelty-debt of 80,000,000-robbery-sacrilege for 500 years-
tyranny-be Irishmen-assert yourselves-pikes-iron bars on the
railways-moral force-be patient-repeal-hereditary bondsmen
would you be free ?-pay in your subscriptions"-(tremendous
cheering !)
By filling in any ordinary words to make a kind of grammatical
sense of the above (though that is not absolutely necessary), an
excellent Conciliation Hall speech, or a Monster Meeting harangue,
inculcating peace, quiet, and content, in the true Irish incendiary
fashion, may be produced during any month of the year, but if it
is in the depth of the winter, the effect, of course, is considerably
stronger.-N.B. Patriots' materials made up in the same way on
the shortest notice.

SWEET ARE THE USES OF TEARS.
A GERMAN chemist has discovered this year that there is sugar
in tears. We have been told by poets that there is sweetness in
all things," but we little thought that it lurked in the corner of
every squint. We always thought that crying was a sign rather
of a sour disposition, but according to this new discovery it would
seem that the more a lady cries the more her temper is sweetened
by it. By-the-bye, hysterics must be invaluable to a cook on board
wages who has to find her own sugar What a lump of sweetness,
too, Niobe must have been,-for she was all tears." To a grocer
of the present day she would have been invaluable, for she would
have supplied him all the year round with "the very best moist."

COPY-BOOK TEXTS FOR YOUNG AUTHORS JUST
BEGINNING TO WRITE.
FAR-FETCHED puns corrupt good jokes.
Hate a Scotticism as you would a Printer's Devil.
Beware of Irish mad bulls.
There's many a slip between the MS. and the tip.
Whatever is, don't write.
One purchaser is worth a dozen pressmen.
The best proof of a work is in the selling.
If you wish to know all the errors in your book, get a friend to
review it.
Persons who write to see their names in print should recollect
that a hundred cards only cost five shillings!
There's but one step from the publisher's to the buttermonger's,.
Paternoster Row is the beginning of Amen Corner.
Never pause for a word as long as there is Finis."

[1848.

EXTRAOBJ)J1NAEY rIIGBT OF LADY BI3DI S -ON =E SEA- COAST.

1848.]

SEA-SIDE ENTOMOLOGY.
THE LADY BIRD.
AN extraordinary flight of Lady Birds distinguished the annals
of Margate and Ramsgate last year. They covered the coast
for miles, extending all the way to Herne Bay, and even as far as
Gravesend. They are supposed to have been brought from London,
as the decks of the steamers were completely strewed with them.
-The piers at all the watering-places, the hotels, the tea-gardens, the
shrimp-parlours, were immediately occupied, and it was a matter of
difficulty, soon after their arrival, to find a single bed empty. The
inhabitants foolishly imagine that these Lady Birds commit a deal
of injury, and they do everything they can to drive them away
from the place. They lay traps in the windows to catch them,
consisting of a piece of pasteboard, on which is inscribed a charm,
of two simple words, "TO LET;" or sometimes it is only one
word, as "TOLETT." Directly the Lady Bird sees this, she knocks
at the door, and flies into the house; but when once she is
inside, she is subject to all the little persecutions which, since the
sea-side was discovered, have been showered upon the poor race of
Lady Birds. She is teased out of her life; she is not allowed to eat
anything in comfort; her meals are taken away from her; till at
last her whole enjoyment is poisoned, and she is glad to wing her
way back again to London. Naturalists, however, have proved
that the Lady Birds do incalculable good to every spot where they
settle. Broadstairs has been built by their pretty exertions. Erith
has been raised by them out of the sand; and Rosherville would
never have been dug out of a chalk-pit if it had not been for the
swarms of Lady Birds It is true they buzz terribly, and make a
great noise whenever more than two of them appear together; but
this defect is more than counterbalanced by their gay colours, which
resemble the richest silks and satins; and their dazzling appear-
ance, which sparkles with all the force of diamonds when viewed by
candle-light. Nothing prettier than to watch an assembly of them
in the evening. They crowd at the libraries; they fill the ball-
rooms, where they mimic the movements of the waltz; they throng
Tivoli and St. Peter's, where the fireworks are not more brilliant
than they; they sing, and dance, and laugh, and do everything
like human creatures, but reason. And these are the poor little
harmless creatures whom the inhabitants of the different watering-
places delight in persecuting. Why, they carry gaiety and happi-
ness wherever they appear; and as for hurting anybody, there is
not a sting amongst a whole townful of them.
It is a fiction to suppose that the age of the Lady Bird can be
told by the marks on her back. This provision on the part of
nature would in fact be quite superfluous, for it is very curious that
no Lady Bird at the sea-side is ever less than fourteen, or more
than eighteen.

THE COMIC ALMANACK.

The Lady Bird visits the watering-places generally about June,
and stops there till the winter. The first gale blows them back
again to London, where they pass the foggy months in the various
shops, theatres, and ball-rooms. When Tom Thumb was in town,
an extraordinary flight of Lady Birds might be seen every day at
the Egyptian Hall.
TIE MARINE APHIS VASTATOR.
Very different to the Lady Bird is the Aphis Vastator, or com-
monly known as the Sea-side Lodging-house keeper. It is a most
ravenous tribe, to be met with at all watering-places. It will eat
through anything. It has consumed, before now, a week's provi-
sions in a day. It is always seeking somebody to devour. These
vastators, or rather devastators, live mostly on the poor Lady Birds,
who suffer dreadfully from their depredations. A Lady Bird, who
has taken a lodging in the morning, has repeatedly been eaten out
of house and home before the evening, and been obliged to fly for
safety. Nothing escapes the fangs of the Marine Lodging-house
keeper. It will work its way into locked drawers, and runs through
a tea-caddy with as much ease as if it had the key. It will clear a
trunk in a day, and empty a work-box whilst the Lady Bird is
taking a plunge in the sea. Its fangs are so constructed that
they close directly on everything they touch; and their eyes are so
sharp that they protrude into every letter and parcel that comes
into the house. What they do not consume they hide; what they
cannot hide they destroy or else give away; for the male Devas-
tator is just as nimble as the female, though he is rarely seen. He
comes the last thing at night, and is off the first thing in the morn-
ing ; walking off probably-for he has very long legs-with a coat, or
a pair of trousers that was found lying about in your portmanteau.
The Aphis has generally a large brood of little Aphises, which
she rears in the back kitchen. They all partake of their mother's
nature. They crawl about the house in search of stockings and
frocks, and from their small size can creep almost into anything.
Their appetites, too, are almost superhuman. They will lift the lid
of a rump-steak pie, which has been left on the landing-place, and,
in less time than you can drink a glass of wine, they will have ab-
stracted every bit of meat out of it. If they settle on a leg of
mutton they will not leave it before they have picked it clean to
the bone. In fact, their skill in polishing a bone would fill you
with wonder, if nothing else. They shrink from no pastry; and
the largest tart does not appal them. Their powers of suction, too,
are just as great. A bottle is no sooner put upon the table than it
is empty; and if there were twenty bottles they would go through
every one of them, and the stronger the contents the easier the ab-
sorbing process seems to be!
When the winter comes round the Aphis Devastator looks over
her stores, and begins to count if her provisions will last her till the
summer. Her coals are put away into the cellar; her wine and

[1848.

BACON'S NOVUI ORGANUM.

spirits are arranged in the different cupboards; her candles are
measured out; and everything placed upon the save-all system.
Woe to her young then, if she catches one of them lifting the lid of
a pie, and helping himself to the solids or fluids within! The
chances are she would eat him up on the spot. The husband's
appetite, too, is put upon a reduced scale, and he is only allowed a
glass of grog when there has been stuffing for dinner, or when
another Aphis drops in. The voracity of the whole family is kept
under during the winter, but then it breaks
out with all the greater fury afterwards.
The legs and shoulders of the first lodger
of the season generally feel this pretty
sharply. He has not a joint which, after Blight oa Leof Mutton.
the first day, he can call his own. A blight
invariably follows; for whatever the Aphis Vastator touches is sure
to go immediately.
It is difficult to describe the Aphises externally, for they take up
so wonderfully quick the habits of each new lodger that they are
always changing.

YOUR ROOM IS PREFERRED TO YOUR COMPANY.
AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION OVERHEARD IN BAKER STREET.
Mrs. Armytage, the greatest woman in the world (ringing the bell
at Madame Tussaud's)-" Oh, if you please, madam, I have called
to inquire if you wanted a 'magnificent addition "
Madame 'r.-" No, thank you; we're quite full."
Mrs. A.-" You might find a spare corner, madam."
Madame T.-" A spare corner? Why, bless me, my good
woman, you wouldn't have me turn out the 'Royal Family' to
accommodate you!"

BACON'S NOVUM ORGANUM.
WHAT is the greatest obstacle to Jews sitting in Parliament ?
The extraordinary quantity of gammon they must swallow.

ADVICE TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.-Never attempt to buy
furniture at a sale, excepting on a Saturday, for on that day only
are the sale-rooms freed from the Jews, whose countenances never
appear as at an auction so particularly forbidding.

BACON'S NOVUI ORGANUM.

spirits are arranged in the different cupboards; her candles are
measured out; and everything placed upon the save-all system.
Woe to her young then, if she catches one of them lifting the lid of
a pie, and helping himself to the solids or fluids within! The
chances are she would eat him up on the spot. The husband's
appetite, too, is put upon a reduced scale, and he is only allowed a
glass of grog when there has been stuffing for dinner, or when
another Aphis drops in. The voracity of the whole family is kept
under during the winter, but then it breaks
out with all the greater fury afterwards.
The legs and shoulders of the first lodger
of the season generally feel this pretty
sharply. He has not a joint which, after Blight oa Leof Mutton.
the first day, he can call his own. A blight
invariably follows; for whatever the Aphis Vastator touches is sure
to go immediately.
It is difficult to describe the Aphises externally, for they take up
so wonderfully quick the habits of each new lodger that they are
always changing.

YOUR ROOM IS PREFERRED TO YOUR COMPANY.
AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION OVERHEARD IN BAKER STREET.
Mrs. Armytage, the greatest woman in the world (ringing the bell
at Madame Tussaud's)-" Oh, if you please, madam, I have called
to inquire if you wanted a 'magnificent addition "
Madame 'r.-" No, thank you; we're quite full."
Mrs. A.-" You might find a spare corner, madam."
Madame T.-" A spare corner? Why, bless me, my good
woman, you wouldn't have me turn out the 'Royal Family' to
accommodate you!"

BACON'S NOVUM ORGANUM.
WHAT is the greatest obstacle to Jews sitting in Parliament ?
The extraordinary quantity of gammon they must swallow.

ADVICE TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.-Never attempt to buy
furniture at a sale, excepting on a Saturday, for on that day only
are the sale-rooms freed from the Jews, whose countenances never
appear as at an auction so particularly forbidding.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

THE CHEMIST'S CAT.

SM CELSUS PHIPPS was chemist, not one
Sof your ordinary men,
Swho put their trust in
I huge coloured glass
bottles, and drive a
Sarge trade inlozenges.
No, Phipps was an ex-
H nerimental chemist,
S a and he acquainted the
-- e public with the fact by
piet means of an inscrap-
__.__ _tion to that effect over
his door, while he con-
firmed the neighbours in the belief by occasional explosions more
or less violent. On one occasion he went so far as to blow the roof
off his house, but that, he said, "was an accident." Moreover,
Phipps was a licentiate of Apothecaries' Hall, and jobbed the
paupers at 11d. a head, including pills and plasters. Mr. Phipps's
establishment was evidently the home for natural philosophy. Ex-
periments abandoned by every one else were eagerly sought after
by Phipps; and he had a valuable auxiliary in his cat.
When science slumbered, the cat might be seen comfortably
dozing on the door-step; but when anything new in medicine or
chemistry turned up, the cat had an active life of it. The poor
thing had taken poison enough to kill hundreds of rich husbands,
and antidotes sufficient to restore double the number. It had a
stomach-pump kept for its especial use. You might generally
guess when anything extraordinary had happened, by missing the
cat from its usual place, and seeing Dick, Mr. Phipps's boy, who
had the job of holding it during the experiments, with slips of
diachylon plaster all over his face and hands. It had become
familiar with prussic acid and arsenic in all their insinuating forms,
and had some slight knowledge of the smaller operations of surgery:
still it went purring about, and was always at hand on an emer-
gency, ready to have any drug tested on its person. Phipps was
proud of it. My cat, Tom, sir," he would say, has done more
for its fellow animal, man, than all the philanthropists that ever
taught people to be discontented."
All went on smoothly till the introduction of ether, when Phipps
determined to see if he could extract a tooth from a person under its
influence. The cat, of course, was to be the especial patient. Dick
was summoned, Tom caught, the ether administered, and Phipps

[1848,

HUNTING AN HEIR.

selected one of the largest tusks. But the ether could not have
taken proper effect; for, with a frightful yell, Tom freed himself
from Dick's grasp, favouring him at the same time with severe
marks of his esteem, which made him roar, and disappear, A la
Harlequin, through the plate-glass window, doing immense damage
to the chemicals and Galenicals displayed therein.
But Tom soon came back, for no one would have him. Science,
who labels some men F.R.S.'s, or tags half the alphabet to the end
of their names, had not forgotten to mark her humble follower,
the cat. He had lost one ear in some acoustic experiment; one
eye was closed for ever, from having the operation for squinting
practically illustrated some dozen times; and he was lame in one
of his hind legs, the tendon having been cut to exemplify the
method of operating for club-foot; while his coat, once remark-
ably glossy, had such a second-hand, seedy appearance that it
would not have tempted a Jew.
At last he died, a martyr to science. Phipps had invented some
wonderful pulmonic lozenge, containing a great deal of morphia,
which was to cure coughs at first sight. Tom had been rather
.asthmatic for some time, owing to inhaling noxious gases; so
Phipps gave him a good dose to begin with. Next morning he was
found very fast asleep, and extremely rigid in his limbs. Dick
suggested that he was dead, but his master indignantly repudiated
the idea; so Tom was kept, in the full expectation that he would
one day start up quite lively, till at length the moth got into
his coat, and Phipps was compelled to consign his furry friend to
a grave in the garden. Phipps never had his usual spirits again.
His experiments were at an end; for though he would sometimes fur-
tively introduce some drug or other into Dick's tea or beer, that
young gentleman soon found it out, and took his meals ever after-
wards with his mother, who was the proprietress of a veal-and-ham
pie dep6t in an adjacent court. Phipps wanders about the College
*of Surgeons a melancholy man, and amuses himself dreaming
over experiments he would perform if he could only get such
.another cat! He is not best pleased however, when he meets any
young friend of Dick's, who violates private confidence by running
after him and inquiring at the very top of his voice, Who killed
the cat ?"

HUNTING AN HEIR.
MY DEAREST ELIZA,
Oun pretty little pack of Belgrave Square Harriers had their
first winter meeting on Thursday last at Lady Hurtleberry's.
It is impossible to conceive a more desirable place for the sport
of their hunting than her Ladyship's. The gorgeous rose-coloured
damask hangings give the finest possible tone to the complexion,
the purple-flowered tapis sets off the foot to the greatest advantage,

HUNTING AN HEIR.

selected one of the largest tusks. But the ether could not have
taken proper effect; for, with a frightful yell, Tom freed himself
from Dick's grasp, favouring him at the same time with severe
marks of his esteem, which made him roar, and disappear, A la
Harlequin, through the plate-glass window, doing immense damage
to the chemicals and Galenicals displayed therein.
But Tom soon came back, for no one would have him. Science,
who labels some men F.R.S.'s, or tags half the alphabet to the end
of their names, had not forgotten to mark her humble follower,
the cat. He had lost one ear in some acoustic experiment; one
eye was closed for ever, from having the operation for squinting
practically illustrated some dozen times; and he was lame in one
of his hind legs, the tendon having been cut to exemplify the
method of operating for club-foot; while his coat, once remark-
ably glossy, had such a second-hand, seedy appearance that it
would not have tempted a Jew.
At last he died, a martyr to science. Phipps had invented some
wonderful pulmonic lozenge, containing a great deal of morphia,
which was to cure coughs at first sight. Tom had been rather
.asthmatic for some time, owing to inhaling noxious gases; so
Phipps gave him a good dose to begin with. Next morning he was
found very fast asleep, and extremely rigid in his limbs. Dick
suggested that he was dead, but his master indignantly repudiated
the idea; so Tom was kept, in the full expectation that he would
one day start up quite lively, till at length the moth got into
his coat, and Phipps was compelled to consign his furry friend to
a grave in the garden. Phipps never had his usual spirits again.
His experiments were at an end; for though he would sometimes fur-
tively introduce some drug or other into Dick's tea or beer, that
young gentleman soon found it out, and took his meals ever after-
wards with his mother, who was the proprietress of a veal-and-ham
pie dep6t in an adjacent court. Phipps wanders about the College
*of Surgeons a melancholy man, and amuses himself dreaming
over experiments he would perform if he could only get such
.another cat! He is not best pleased however, when he meets any
young friend of Dick's, who violates private confidence by running
after him and inquiring at the very top of his voice, Who killed
the cat ?"

HUNTING AN HEIR.
MY DEAREST ELIZA,
Oun pretty little pack of Belgrave Square Harriers had their
first winter meeting on Thursday last at Lady Hurtleberry's.
It is impossible to conceive a more desirable place for the sport
of their hunting than her Ladyship's. The gorgeous rose-coloured
damask hangings give the finest possible tone to the complexion,
the purple-flowered tapis sets off the foot to the greatest advantage,

220 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1848.

whilst a grand piano by BROADWOOD, and a harp by E RARD, afford
the most convenient opportunities for the display of accomplish-
ments.
The "meet" took place at nine o'clock precisely, and a better
"room" could not be desired.
As each member of the Hunt keeps her own harriers at Walk,"
the first Meeting is always interesting from the number of new
"drafts." In addition, therefore, to those harriers that hunted
last season, with all of whom you are well acquainted, the following
new entries were made:-
Lady Browbeater's Lucy Jane; "too short in the head," to my
fancy.
The Hon. Mrs. Rattletrap's Julia Rose; a lively creature, and
"gives tongue" beautifully.
Mrs. Major Fubbs's Clementina Louisa; very dumpy and dull-
sure to be "latter'd."
Mrs. General Rowdedow's Lucidora; all that heart could wish-
fine nose, capital mouth, splendid chest, and a forehand and arm
of perfect symmetry.
There were one or two others introduced during the evening, but
none of them possessed the necessary qualifications for the Belgrave
Square Harriers. The beaters" upon this occasion had been my
brother Charles, whose Captaincy, by purchase, depends upon my
being eligible married off papa's hands; young Musparrot, simi-
larly circumstanced; and old Major Muggs with four daughters,
aged respectively twenty-six, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, and thirty.
They had great fears at one time that our first
meet would prove blank," as they had beat
up all the clubs during September and October
without pricking" an Heir either apparent or
presumptive. Major Muggs had the good for-
tune to hit upon a track at last, and a finer
specimen I never saw during my short ex-
perience. Five feet eleven, Roman nose,
D'Orsay whiskers, and said to be worth twelve
thousand a year when of age in January next.
He was found lying in some elegantly furnished
apartments in the Albany, sitting on a beau-
tiful form of velvet. As soon as he made his
appearance in the enclosure at Lady Hurtle-
berry's the pack was laid on. Amelia Frog-
morton "challenged" first; I, you may be sure,
was not slow in answering her.
S The Heir first made for a Polka Quadrille,
THE nEIR-PREBUMPTivX closely waited on by Amelia, with myself for
OF GREASE. a vis-.-vis. Having got as far as Pastorale,
he doubled" round by the piano, Mary Warbleton having turned
him" by Jenny Lind's Ran tan plan, from II Figlia del Regimento.
He then took away" to the card room, but being headed" by my

THE LANGUAGE OF VEGETABLES.

brother Charles, who was purposely stationed in the doorway, he
made for the harp; where I pressed him very hard with Boclhsa's
Fancies. He doubled again, and ran straight to the supper-room,
closely followed by the entire pack, but the champagne coming on
pretty briskly, Lady Hurtleberry thought it right to call us off"
for the evening, the Heir being ultimately bagged by the Major and
Musparrot, and carried to the Club; for what purpose I
leave you to guess. The Heir has been "turned down" twice
since, and already shows symptoms of distress. I have not the
least doubt that in a short time longer, I, yes I, my dear Eliza,
shall have the pleasure (but this is entire nous) of introducing you
to a real juggled heir.
By-the-bye, I must send you a copy of a song written by that
rattlepate Rattletraps. It is to the air of
Bright chanticleer proclaims the morn.
Bright chandeliers the room adorn,
Each thing's arranged with care,
And gayest smiles and silks are worn
This night to catch the Heir.
With a heigho! Letty!
Hark forward, you forward Miss Betty
To-night we hunt the He-e-e-i-r-
To-night we hunt the Heir !
Poor Heir you feel our sport a bore,
We read it in your face;
If you'll propose to one-no more,
You'll find us give you chase.
With a sigh from Letty !
Or forward, too forward Miss Betty !
No more we'll hunt the He-e-e-i-r-
No more we'll hunt the Heir!

THE LANGUAGE OF VEGETABLES.
WE do not think there is in the whole history of letters anything
more beautiful than the two following specimens. Any one ac-
quainted with the vegetable vocabulary cannot fail to be touched
deeply by them.
The first was addressed to Sigismond by his devoted wife Toot-
sichfootsich, when he was imprisoned by Kalbskopf II. in the im-
pregnable fortress of Dummerkerl, in the Spitzbiibe mountains, in
Moldavia.
The originals, and the monuments of Sigismond's wonderful
escape, are still preserved, with the greatest reverence, by the proud'
descendants of his wife's noble family. Admirers of conjugal

221

affection have been known to journey to the Spitzbiibe Mountains
purposely to look at them. The first letter was scratched with a
pin on a large cabbage leaf, and sent into the castle wrapped round a
pound of butter :-
"Beloved Greens!-Dry thy Onions. There is Cabbage in
the horizon. Suppress thy Spinage, there's a darling Bean. Sup-
port thy Haricots with Beetroot, and never let young Radish leave
thy dear Asparagus. May Pickled Gherkins watch over thee, and
Early Peas strew Mashed Potatoes, with Blessed Chickweed, over
thy suffering Turniptop Where is thy boastod Sourkrout ? Have
a little Brocoli, my own sweet Bean; and put thy Chickweed in
Parsley. There is Tomata yet for both of us, so pray hide thy
Cauliflower for a few short Sprouts, and Capers must soon be ours !
Confide in Mangel-wiirzel. I enclose thee a hundred Greens from
the bottom of my Green Stuff, and remain, my fondest Beetroot,
THY OWN DEAR MARROWFAT."
The answer, though in a humbler strain, was not less eloquent.
It was rolled up in little crumbs of bread, which were made into
the shape of pills, and thrown out of the prisoner's window:-
"My sweetest Marrowfat !-My Asparagus is well nigh bursting.
My Salad is overflowing, and I cannot rest at night from too much
Mustard seed. Send me, an thou hopest hereafter for Asparagus,
a Scarlet-Runner, and a small Cow Cabbage. Trust in Sage, and
throw thyself fondly on Watercress.
THY UNFORTUNATE GREENS."
The Scarlet-Runner, which is the vegetable emblem for a file,
was hidden in the heel of a boot, and the Cow Cabbage, which
is the beautiful synonym for a rope, smuggled in, to the poor pri-
soner through a large German sausage, of which he was passionately
fond. He escaped that
very night, and repaid
Y V- with the affection of a
whole life the devotion of
his attached "Marrowfat,"
That is to say his wife; we
Sdo not give a translation of
St hese memorable letters,
-- -as we wish our readers to
refer to the Language of
S' Vegetables itself; for we
Feel .it is so fascinating a
science that when once
they go into it, they will
not leave a single vegeta-
Sble unturned till they have
got to the root of every
....- word.

[1848.

THE COMIIC ALMANACK.

222

IF,
!! !AND ? ?

Ir marriages are made in heaven, what a pity the happy pair
should leave the place directly, upon a mere matter of ceremony!
If thou stoodest outside the door, thy hand upon the handle, hast
thou ever paused to arrange thy curls, and to pull up thy collar,
and to inspect first thy wristbands, and then thy boots ? If so, thou
hast loved, ay, and madly too.
If a good name were purchasable, how few would avail themselves
of the luxury if they had to pay ready money for it!
If there is really" luck in odd numbers," we can account for the
curious fact of so many ladies stopping half of their lives at the age
of thirty-nine.
If two is company, and three is none, what a very melancholy
time old Cerberus must have of it!
If "distance lends enchantment to the view," then the British
Drama ought to hold out to speculators the most enchanting views
in the world, for never were its prospects so distant as at the pre-
sent moment.
If Napoleon had won the battle of Waterloo, Gomersal must have
died comparatively unknown.
If man and wife had a plate glass to their hearts, how long would
they remain together P
If soda-water had only been known in the time of Alexander, it
is but fair to conclude that the murder of Clytus never would have
taken place.
If England were to be divided to-morrow morning equally among
all its inhabitants, we should not like to be the man whose dismal
lot for life turned out to be Trafalgar Square!
If Janus really had two faces, we deeply pity him, if he ever
drank a tumbler of Vauxhall punch, for he must have had the fol-
lowing morning two headaches instead of one!
If animals could speak, we can imagine the first words a donkey
would address to man would be "Et tu brute."
If there were no "if's" in the world, there would be no arguments;
no rules of three; no political economy; no more ingenious specula-
tions about the fate of Europe if .England had lost the battle of
Waterloo (if it had, several shareholders would never have lost
their money on Waterloo Bridge, by-the-bye); no more letters from
Joseph Ady about certain valuable information if a sovereign is
sent by return of post; no more liberal promises from fathers as to
what they will do if their sons will only improve, and keep good
hours; no more financial experiments (Sir Robert Peel's scheme
for the income-tax was only one elongated if," and its repeal is a
still more extended one); and lastly, this clever little article upon
if's" never would have been written, if there had been no such
word in the language as if."

THE COMIC ALMANACK.

THE LITERARY SCARCITY.
A LETTER FROM A LONDON PENNY-A-LINER TO A PROVINCIAL DITTO.
I Ton, my boy, how are you? Precious slack
e [ here, I can tell you; business never was
so dull. I haven't had an Atrocious Mur-
der on my hands these three months. If
this panic continues I shall be so much
out of practice that I'm blessed if I shall
know how to do a Murder when a good
opportunity occurs. Unless some good
lady has the kindness to kill her husband
--(how fashions change! I can recollect
\ the time when husbands used to kill their
wives: however, it's all the same)-I must
S starve, without having the chance either
S of making a penny by my own death. By-
the-bye, I have had serious ideas lately of
committing an "Awful Suicide"-don't be startled, I mean only in
the papers. I have reckoned it up, and find that I should make
nearly a sovereign by it-a temptation, my tulip, in these times, and
well worth an imaginary duck in the Thames.
See, my dear Tom, I make it out as follows:-
8. d.
AWFUL SUICIDE (say from Waterloo Bridge), at three-halfpence
per line . . . . 3 0
A ROMANCE OF REAL LIFE (founded on the above) . 2 6
PUBLIC INQUEST ....... . . .5 0
ADJOURNED MEETING . . .. 2 9k
MALICIOUS FABRICATION, a long letter from myself, declaring
most circumstantially that I am not, and have never been dead,
and spurning in the most indignant manner (to the extent
probably of three shillings) the Verdict of "Temporary In-
sanity" . . . . 4 7
Another Letter, commenting with moderation on the atrocious
cruelty of the fabrication, and lashing Lord John for not insti-
tuting proceedings for the discovery of the Monster in human
form, who first propagated the Heartless Rumour .... .1 11I

19 9j
Now I know, Tom, this would be unprofessional, but really in
times like these, when a capital execution scarcely turns up once
a year, it doesn't do for a person to be over nice; besides, if I do
extinguish my vital spark for six days, where's the great harm ?
Not a person sustains the slightest injury; I have no relations to
blackguard me afterwards for not dying. I have no heirs to sue
the paper for damages; I have no grandmothers to be hurried into
an early grave by the intelligence; and I get a week's dinners by
dying at a time I was never more puzzled how to live. My table,

[1848.

STHE LITERARY SCARCITY.

I can assure you, has not groaned under the luxuries of the season
for ever so long. So where is the great sin of leaving this sublunary
sphere for seven days, if I cannot keep soul and body together with-
out it ? Psha! it's all affectation, and I have a good mind to try
an Awful Suicide to-morrow; and, to make it more interesting, call
myself a Gentleman of Fortune." All this scarcity comes of edu-
cating people, and the march of intellect, and the rage for im-
provements! Did you ever hear such nonsense P Why, I suppose
civilization will be taking such rapid strides that the wood pave-
ment-(I hope you have got one in your place; the bit of wood in
the Strand lit my fires for two winters running: what a field it
was for accidents, to be sure! I used to pick up two a day)-will
be cut eventually from under our feet, and we shan't have a bit of
orange-peel, or a slide even, to stand upon, or as much as a drop of
prussic-acid to warm our hearts with before going to bed of a cold
night. It's all a mistake; and if I am a victim to it I shall lay
my death at the door of civilization, and charge them with it. Why,
the cabs are nothing to what they used to be-they wont upset;
and I do really believe the omnibus conductors are getting civil,
merely to spite us. The lightning conductors, too, are very little
better. I haven't been able to drink your health in a drop of elec-
tric fluid for many a day. Where it will end none of us can tell.
The steamers have done a little for business, it's, true, and I expect
they will do a great deal more for us; but what, I ask you, is a
Cricket amongst so many P Besides, one doesn't get such a good
blow-out every day. Education, I see, will be the ruin of us all. I
have serious thoughts of turning an informer, and reporting my
own cases; or, if it comes to the worst, of going over to Dublin, and
stopping there patiently till the row at Conciliation Hall begins. I
wish it would take place to-morrow! They are a long time about
it for Irishmen; for the winter is coming on, and I must give up
all thoughts of coals, unless I get a good Destructive Fire or two.
Candles, too, come dear when you cannot find, search where you
will, the smallest bit of Seasonable Benevolence to pay for them.
There's only Railways left us. Do you know, I drink the health of
that dear Eastern Counties every time I am lucky enough to get
an Awful Accident out of it. Why, Tom, my boy, I was only
thinking this morning, as I was leaning over London Bridge, hoping
an ill wind would blow me something good, that I would -start a
railway, and so make my own Accidents, and write them, for greater
accuracy, on the spot. I might contract with the different papers
to supply them cheap all the year round. But then I recollected,
and a burning tear bedewed my eye, that that line of luck was all
over, that the poor stags were fairly run off their legs, and that an
end had been put for ever to Capel Court. Twelve months sooner,
and the thing might have been done. I only wish I was in Hud-
son's shoes, that's all. What a deal of money I would make, 'lining
-wouldn't I, just!
Well, Tom, I must leave you. The neighbourhood has just been
Q

1848.]

226 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1848.

thrown into the greatest consternation by an Enormous Goose-
berry." I run to measure it with an India-rubber band, for that
stretches the best. I hope it is a crammer; at all events I must
make it large enough to serve me for dinner, and leave me some-
thing to fill my pipe with afterwards. Good-bye, Tom. I hope
Liverpool (you lucky fellow, you had the Fever all last winter; you
ought to have made your fortune, too, with the Irish) is better off
in Accidents-it is much richer I know in Fires-than London. If
not, I will make this agreement with you: you shall have my In-
human Neglect by the Parish Authorities, if you bequeath me your
Awful Death by Starvation. Is that a bargain P
I remain, my dear Tom,
In a state much better conceived than described,
Yours regularly "in a line,"
A. CuAhCE.
The Ether's a failure; not a single explosion worth having. Can't
ou send me up a Shower of Frogs in your next letter P You shall
ave an Infamous Hoax by return. I say, the American Sea-
serpent has not had a turn lately, or the Oldest Inhabitant, and,
entiree nous, Lord B-h-m has not been killed once these seven
years; I have got his Life all ready. I will toss you for him, if you
like. What do you say? Two out of three? or Sudden Death?
Young Flimsy was complaining at the Blue Bottle last night of
the pressure of the Times. He said he had a most Wonderful
Appetite" on Thursday, and invited half-a-dozen "liners" to supper
on the strength of it, but the Currency deprived him of every penny,
notwithstanding he had a Curious Case of Instinct, which he made
sure would bring him in half-a-crown.
Address to me at the Illustrated Weekly Murder Sheet Office.

ILLUSTRATED CONUNDRUM.
(THE OLDEST ON RECORD.)

Question.-W.A

Answer.-W I ,\ A A

A MYSTERY OF LONDON.
DRIZZLING mist begins to fall. The clock of
St. Clement's strikes seven. A November fog
lowers its invidious veil over the bright face of
London. I hurry on, impatient to listen to the
rival strains of the cricket and kettle, who, I know
from a mysterious singing in my ears, are gaiiy
carolling on my hearth in Clare Market. "There
is no place like home !"
With these thoughts I redouble my speed, even
as the jaded cab-horse quickens his broken knees
when he sees in his mind's eye, through distant
S streets, the door of the livery stable. The fog has
the thickness of repeated blankets. It is no light
task for a blind dame to thread a needle in the
dark. That task, however, is as light as the sun
I with 20,000 additional lamps on its birthday, com-
pared to the difficulty of threading Temple Bar in
a fog! But patience, like the boy Jones, will get
through anything.
I have shaken off the mud of the city: I breathe
the balmy smoke of Westminster. My high-low,
or rather my high-lows (for I have two) beat once more the proud Strand. I
pass the antique apple-woman on my left; on my right I leave Holloway
and his far-famed leg of twenty years' standing-that Wandering Jew of
advertisements which is perpetually running through the papers. I drop a
sympathetic pill to the memory of Aldborough. Proud Earl! Never did
mortal lay the flattering ointment to his soul as thou hast done I hurry
onward.
But what fragrant perfume, stolen or strayed from Araby the Blest, plays
round my nostrils? It cannot be the fog, for it is so like stewed eels. It
salutes my nose with all the warmth of a long-absent friend. I follow it, as
Hamlet did the Ghost. An invisible attraction pulls me gently on, even as
the magnetic duck which a child leads where be will by applying a load-
stone to its nasal organ. I neither see, nor feel, nor hear; I only smell.
My whole nature is standing on the bridge of my nose. How blind is man !
In my ardour I have nearly upset a respectable stranger: I beg his most
unadulterated pardon a hundredfold; but lie heeds me not. A rich necklace
of pies, Twickenham's fairest jewellery, dazzles his weak vision, and fastens,
as with a golden hook, all his eyes. He is under a Savory spell, longing for
More. A hundred appetites glisten from his cavernous brows. Epicurus
and Dando seem to have chosen his high cheek-bones for their respective
thrones. His mouth opens and shuts a thousand times, just like the Strand
Theatre opposite; but, alas! takes in nothing by each new motion. Hunger
could not well have spared a leaner Frenchman. Poor Monsieur I have
disturbed thy joyous reverie, and would fain make amends for it. Here is
sixpence to buy thyself luscious pies, freighted with all the boundless wealth
of the generous eel." But he is as deaf as a relation that is rich. His
thoughts are seated at the rich banquet within.

The parish engine is pulled along by a lusty beadle, like an invalid chair
atBrighton by one of the plethoric Sons of Plush. Six little boys subscribe
their voices and their strength, but there is more of the former than the
Q2

228 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1848.

latter. There is merriment in Drury Lane; loud cries of "Fire" play gaily
upon the ear. Even a policeman-that rarest object of vertu-is seen. He
illuminates for two seconds the busy scene with the light in his laughing
eye" of bull. The fire-escape is unrolled, like a tall mummy, from its dark
slumber of ages, and stretches its spider limbs high into the air as it yawns
again into life. It crawls, like a centipede on its hind leg, as far as Temple
Bar, and there draws itself up, like a big note of exclamation, and makes a
full stop. Peradventure it reaches the fire three days afterwards. There is
a time for all things.
But whose is that ecstatic figure? It is as familiar to my vision as
Cooper in George Barnwell. Who can it be? Yes-no-yes! It cannot
be By St. Jullien, it is the dismal Child of France The clock of St.
Clement's strikes ten. What! Monsieur, hast thou for three foggy hours
been poring over those self-same pies ? Thy admiration smacks, methinks,
of the bigot. Thou art indeed an enthusiast. Hie thee to Soyer Catch
him between a poem and a pdtd, bursting with the richest stuffing of the
goose-I mean the pdtd. Perform the same rites before his household pans
of stew; let thy every limb speak thy admiration, and my head of hair,
bought but yesterday at Truefiit's, he will give thee, for half such prodigal
worship, thy weight in pies, be they of gooseberry or mutton, or the ham
and veal dedicated to Thespis, or even the delicate eel, the dear object of
thy silent love! Concealment has indeed fed upon thy damask cheek, and
picked it-would I could say clean !-to the bone. Toici, mon Noble
Seigneur, de quoi te regaler." Be sees not the proffered Joseph; he hears
not my tones, sweet with charity. He stirs not: he stands on holy pave-
ment. Poor Frenchman, I would tarry with thee, but I must rush me home
to supper. Haven't I tripe waiting kindly for me! My clay, too, points to
heavy wet; and my pewter will lose its head if I am not quickly with it.
Adieu.

Night has spread its shutters over London. All is still, save a spirituous
cry of Va-rie-ty," that comes at muffled intervals leaping through the air.
There is not a Gent to be seen. Even Lord Ellam has retired to his bed
under the ducal counter. Sleep snores heavily in the Strand, and the night-
mare rules in the City. All humanity, save editors and milkmen, is between
the sheets.
All, did I say? It is false. There is one figure still, very still, on its
legs. He is no purveyor of chalk, or human kindness. He is not a thief
either, save one of Time; and better to rob him than Rogers' bank,-
though, it is true, the notes may be stopped, but the minutes, alas! never.
Whose is that figure? Egad It is the Frenchman's.
There he stands, opposite the same identical emporium. He is wrapt in
mystery and a Spanish cloak, with a collar borrowed from the poodle. He
has not moved the whisper of a pig to the right or to the left. What fearful
secret can chain him to that awful spot ?
His iron glances seem as if they would pierce like nails at tenpence
a-piece the shutters of that Dep6t. The hunger on his countenance is not
yet appeased. I offer him an Havannah, the best that the Green of Turn-
ham can produce. He answers me only with a sallow smile. No complaint
escapes his lips, though it is clear as Thames water that is filtered that he
is ill at ease. Ah! perhaps he is doing penance for some early crime?
.Perhaps it is a vow he has registered in some album to please his Love?
Perhaps-but I waste the valuable ink of the printer with these idle sur

A MYSTERY OF LONDON.

mises; be the awful cause what it will, from the bottom of my purse, noble
stranger from the noble Land of the Cancan, I do feel for thee! Thou
wouldst never remain outside a piscatorial pastrycook's for nine long hours,
transfixed like a pose plastique (only thou art dressed), unless there were
some strange mystery at the bottom of it!

I cannot sleep. My pillow is burning hot. Fever shares my bed.
The vision of that unhappy Frenchman keeps pulling aside the
curtains, and crying aloud in my ear, Curiosity doth murder
sleep." It is too true Who can close his eyes, though they be
weighed down with two bottles of port, of the best Public Dinner
vintage, and sealed with the
smoke of three-times-ten
cigars, when he has a secret
gnawing at his heart ?
don my morning suit, and ,
walk breathless, breakfastless.
to the Strand. THE SrPIIT LBVBL.
Clerks are plodding to their high stools in the City. All waistcoats are
turned towards St. Paul's. Omnibuses are laden with cashiers-strict
lovers of punctuality-who eat, and drink, and sleep, and make love, by the
chronometer. The antique apple-woman is putting on her great coat, the
relic of her late relict, a deceased cabman. Holloway determines to have an
immense spread, and lays down a roll of ointment eight yards without a
seam. Newspaper boys sing in quires as they canter along with wet
bundles under their arms. The sun rises; the puddles reflect its golden
smiles; the cocks and hens visit their daily cab-stand; the postman's knock
is heard; the clock of St. Clement's strikes nine. London has begun a new
day.
But what are these facts to me? No more than Spanish Bonds, for I do
not even look at them. I have but one object in view, and that is the
Frenchman.
But the cloak has disappeared, and the person inside it. His penance,
doubtless, is at an end-his humble vow fulfilled. He is gone: but, how
strange! he has left his boots behind
him. There they stand, in the middle
of the pavement, bolt upright-one a i
Blucher, its companion a Wellington
-as if they had risen out of the coal-
cellar over 'night, like a couple of -r
mushrooms. A phantom policeman
attempts to take them up, but they
are riveted to the spot. But, see! I
the poor exile comes this way: slip-
pers are on his feet. He claims his
boots. "Take them," says the mau i
of law, bound in blue, and lettered
B 32. No! They will not stir. He
ulls them with a pair of boot-hooks,
but if there were a Woman's Obsti-
nacy in each sole, they could not
maintain their ground more stoutly.

1848.1

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

[1848.

A pickaxe is brought. The boots are pulled up at length, but in company
with the flag-stone. They are carried on the latter, as on a tray, before the
magistrate. Their disconsolate owner follows them in his slippers. He
unfolds his simple unadorned tale of woe. First he identifies the boots.
The name of Marquis de Carambole" appears inside each. Next he states
he had been giving a lesson in French for sixpence to a family in the Lane
of Leather. On his way home he stopped to admire some pies arrayed most
temptingly in a sumptuous window. He tarried longer than he intended,
but the luxury of the sight beguiled away the unconscious moments. He
felt his feet getting very warm, but he thought it was only the grateful
steam of the shop. He still looked on, turning over the sixpence alternately
in his mind and in his pocket, whether he should spend it, or keep it to have
his hair curled. At last he resolved on the rash purchase. He attempted
to move, but his right foot was fastened to the pavement, and his left foot
too; he was motionless; he was literally screwed-he had grown to the
ground. He was riveted to the spot, not only in admiration, but in positive
reality. For four interminable hours he endured worse than the torture of
Tantalus, for eel pies were not known in the dark ages of Pluto. A feast
was before him which he could not touch. Twelve o'clock at last put a
friendly termination to his sufferings : the shop closed. He was left in the
streets of London all by himself. He felt cold. His feet were benumbed,
but he could not do anything to keep them warm. Stamping was out of the
question, for he could not even lift them. A policeman told him once to
" move on," but unfortunately he came like a shadow, and so departed. He
thought of his landlord, of his tailor, of his washerwoman, of everything that
was dear to him. A tear washed his cheek. He trembled like a creditor.
He did not like to shout for aid, his position was so very ridiculous. At last
necessity, the coldest he ever experienced, conquered his vanity. He cut
his straps, and ran away like a second Napoleon, leaving Wellington and
Blucher masters of the field. Having finished, the poor Orphan of France
demands, in a voice of tears, that his boots may be restored to him.

THa APPROACH OF BLUCHER.-INTRBPID ADVANCE OF THE FIRST FOOT.
"Certainly," says the urbane magistrate; but you must first pay for the
damage you have done to the pavement."

A MYSTERY OF LONDON.

The poor Frenchman pleads that it is not his fault; but his plea is as
bootless as himself.
A policeman, with the bump of science, craves leave to explain the
mystery.
Leave is given to him; and, clearing his throat, he speaks thus:-" I
think I can tell, sir, what is the mystery at the bottom of all this. It is
Gutta Percha. This Gutta Percha, sir, is a new material of a waterproof
substance; at first soluble, which afterwards hardens, and resists the action
of water. It is used largely for boots. It is not proof, however, against
heat. The consequence is that when it is exposed to a great warmth it
becomes adhesive, and very tenacious of the footing it occupies. There is
an instance of a cook whose Irish cousin was warming his feet at the fire;
he had on soles made of Gutta Percha. His boots adhered to the hobs, and
there he stuck in
I the kitchen for a
r x. fortnight till a frost
came. It was called
Hobbes' :Essay on
the Understand-
ing.,
The man of the
oil-skin cape is re-
primanded severely for this joke, and then resumes: "It is
exactly the same scrape with this gentleman, if he will
excuse the liberty I take in calling him so," he said, bow-
ing to the Frenchman. The fact is he remained so long
admiring those eel pies that his soul expanded at the sight,
S and when he wanted to go he found he could not tear him-
self away: the Gutta Percha had become melted with the
heat of the cook-shop, and strapped him to the pavement
like a statue on a pedestal."
The mystery was as clear as if it had been strained with
isinglass. The boots were investigated, and lo! the police-
man's words for once were truth. Gutta Percha was at the
bottom of each boot! The spell was solved, and so after a
time were the soles. But let the reader scrutinize closely
the pavement in the Strand; and on the left side, before he comes to
Temple Bar, he will be able to pick out a flag-stone, opposite the Royal
Emporium for Eel Pies," which has on it the perfect imprint of the soles of
a Blucher and a Wellington. It was on that very bit of granite where the
poor Frenchman stood for nine hours, buffeted by the stream of people that
ept flowing backwards and forwards, and tortured beyond any modem
martyrdom by the tempting feast spread before him, which he could only
devour with his hungry eyes.
Of all the new inventions there is not one which is likely to make a firmer
stand, or keep its ground longer, than Gutta Percha.

-4--

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

TEE FEMALE TARS OF GREAT BRITAIN.
FASHIONABLE YACHTING.

THE ladies are invading everything. The Stock Exchange, Capel Court,
the field, the lecture-room, the betting-ring-places exclusively devoted
hitherto to black coats and legs of the same colour-have been recently
graced, or disgraced, as the case has been, with the presence of the fair, and
sometimes unfair, sex. The clubs, it is true, are still in the hands of men,
and woman, though she has voice enough in laying down the law at home,
has none as yet in Parliament; though we are confident if a handsome
duchess, or Mrs. Nisbett, were only to put up for a county (say Bucks), that
she would no sooner announce her intention of standing, than every Buck in
the borough would rush forward to offer her a seat. Common politeness would
carry her into the House of Commons. Government, however, is not the only
floating and sinking thing that has a helm. Our yachts are open to the
ladies; and, till they can steer the Vessel of State, they are at full liberty to
soil their giants de Paris in handling the tiller of a Yacht. Are the quick-
sands of office more dangerous to thread than the Needles ? And what are
the breezes, and the ups and downs of a parliamentary life, to those of the
ocean? Go,.ask Earl Grey, and he will tell you that he would sooner have
fifty berths under Government than one in a royal yacht, any day!
The example set by the Queen every year has turned all the ladies mad for a
Yacht. .It is customary now, instead of packing up the drawing-room furni-
ture whilst the family is out of town, to have it carried on board, where it is
fitted up on deck, or does state duty in the cabins. The Turkey carpet covers
the vulgar planks, the bell ropes are substituted for the coarse ropes ; and
chairs, richly inlaid with mother-of-pearl, replace the plain lockers. The whole
household is transported generally aswell, though apoplectic footmen sometimes
desert after the first day, preferring board wages in May Fair to the best
wages on board, in the Mediterranean.
The following extract from a Lady's Log Book will best illustrate this
new fashion. It is written in the beautifully small handwriting of the en-
terprising Lady Augusta Fiddle-Faddle, who sailed in the Jenny Lind on a
cruise to Paris, last October.
Sept. 2nd.-Started from Cowes. Sea just like a rocking-horse, up and down,
up and down; not at all pleasant; very giddy; wind blowing all day at my back,
nearly breaking my beautiful ostrich feather; no appetite for dinner; took an
early tea, no muffins, not even a sally-lur.n. Gave orders that the French cook (a
promising pupil of Soyer's) might be told "to take good care it didn't occur
again." In bed at eight, very unwell; ordered the rocking of the vessel to be
stopped immediately, but not a soul paid any attention to my sufferings.
3rd.-No new milk for breakfast; told the butler to send for some directly;
the impu ent fellow sent word, that there was no possibility of making Cowes
so soon." Ordered his beer to be stopped. Dreadful noise overhead. Tuld
Adolphus to inquire what it was. The intelligent lad brought me intelligence that
it was the housemaid sweeping the carpets on deck. Went upstairs, and asked
the reason why the deck was not ready before twelve o'clock. Told Jane and
Maria Louisa that I would have the strictest discipline maintained in my Yacht,
or else they had better suit themselves at once with other situations. Superin-
tended the dusting of the ottomans, and reprimanded John Thomas for going up
the dirty ropes without his Berlin gloves on. Detected a faint smell of tar, and
ordered the carpet to be sprinkled with eau-de-Cologne, and feathers to be burnt
in every room in the Yacht. Threw my glove over the railing of the vessel to see

- A'citrc cJo/n- rdis~,'t. J~j ~it.R y ~ ah~rr JO~Y

YACTIN G FOR I VDIESL-MAYA LK II 'iuE.' MIlDITEuRAlllNEAN.

I

1848.] THE FEMALE TARS OF GREAT BRITAIN. 233

which,way the wind blew; but on its going straight down and sinking very rapidly
recollected that my purse was inside. A thorough draft arising at that moment
blew off myftcwh towards the right, and proved beyond a doubt that the wind was
in a straight line to Brighton. Determined to go there, and told the coachman
in charge of the Yacht to make as much haste as possible, as I wished to make a
morning call on Lady Bandury Bunn, who was staying there, with all her little
Bunns. It turned out, however, towards four o'clock, that we were not many
hundred yards' distance from Havre; but as I had not a French bonnet with me
I declined going on shore. In the evening, a ball, and I played a small concertina
(I had brought with me to charm the dolphins), to enable the poor servants to
dance. John Thomas and Jane Hussey went through a hornpipe as well as the
uneven state of the Yacht would allow them. Served out tea and sugar at eight.
Towards nine there was a very strong smell of tobacco; searched the Yacht,
escorted by Adolphus, who carried two wax candles before me; we found the smell
proceeded from the servants' hall. Descended the narrow staircase cautiously, and
surprised, in the pantry, the butler, John Thomas, and the French cook, each
smoking with the window open, what is called, I believe, a pipe. Ordered these
offensive articles to be seized, and to be instantly thrown into the lowest depths of
the sea; and did not retire to rest before my orders were strictly executed.
Looked into the housekeeper's room, and gave directions for a muslin cover to be
made for the gold Cupid that holds the compass; if I am correct in so terming the
long darning-needle that is kept under a glass shade.
4th.-Wind very fair to-day. Curled my hair "for the first time in ringlets.
Inspected some Valenciennes lace I have bought, a perfect bargain, of a French
smuggler; it will look well on a velvet dress. Told John to drive direct to Paris.
The insolent fellow asked "if I would go by Brussels, or did I prefer Vienna ?"
Gave him instantly warning. He turned the vessel round with its head towards
London. Told him that was not the road to Paris, when he said he was going
back to Southampton to suit himself with another place." Rang the bell, and
told Grisetta to tell all the servants to come upstairs. The poor girl only speaking
French, the stupid servants, who worry my life out, did not understand her.
Directed my page Adolphus to summon the butler before me. Mr. Smithers ap-
peared with his hat on; I asked him how he dared to appear in my presence with
his head covered ? His answer was, that he had had two wigs blown offalready,
and he had caught a violent cold in his head." Asked him What was his cold
in the head when the discipline of the ship was at stake ?" and he could not answer
a word. Told him I should report him to Sir Valentine as soon as we landed in
Grosvenor Square. Being determined to punish the coachman, ordered him to
leave the box, and took the whip out of his hand in the presence of my maid and
the German governess. The menial coloured, and to make his degradation the
more striking, I pulled the cockade off his hat. I then took the what-d'ye-call-
it, the long pole that pushes the vessel along, and attempted to guide it. The
fatigue, however, was too much for my wrists, and I split my gloves in the
exertion; was afraid, besides, of turning the vessel upside down, but disguised my
fears before the dependents. Left the pole, and picked my way down to the
servants' hall. Found the servants, male and female, at dinner, the butler in the
chair, and Mrs. Bantam, the housekeeper, at the bottom. Apologized for in-
truding, for I thought it was best to be civil. Spoke kindly, and told them to serve
me properly, and their rations of tea and sugar should be doubled. Mrs. Bantam
thanked me. Then told them that "a great act of insubordination had been
shown by the coachman above, and that I had been obliged to strip him"-(Here
I paused to take note of the effect of my words; but no sympathy was, I am glad
to say, evinced)-" of his situation." I reminded them of their duties, and con-
jured them to be faithful to their mistress, and they should not repent it when
their wages were paid; but I told them plainly, if they coalesced with the coach-
man it should be as much as their situations were worth. If any one of them was
displeased, and thought herself ill-used, or out of her proper element, she
might leave the ship that instant, and I would be the last person to prevent
her bettering herself. Not one amongst them took me at my word, and I was

234 THE COMIC ALMANAC. LIB4B.

pleased more than I can express at their fidelity. I told them as much, and
confessed I had anticipated a mutiny, but had made up my mind fully how to
act in case the smallest sopqeon of treachery had declared itself. I would have
opened the plugs at the bottom of the yacht," I said loudly to them, "and we
should have all sunk together, after I had taken the precaution to write a letter
to the Times, in which every one of your names would have been reported at full
length, with your christian names and ages." I was going on in the most elo-
quent strain, when the most dreadful thumping occurred to the ship, and there
was anoise overhead such as I had never heard before, even at one of Verdi's
operas. I nearly fainted, for I thought a whale had run against us, and had
burst in one of our panels; but a young footman, who had run upstairs and down
again whilst I was losing my colour, assured me it was only the bowsprit (for so
he called the long pole which protrudes from the front of the vessel) which had
been shattered to pieces in consequence of its coming in collision with South-
ampton Pier, which happened at that moment to be in the way. I then recol-
lected that I had left no one in charge of the Yacht, and hastened upstairs, I
fund a Custom-House officer coming up the rope ladder by the side, and gave
the coachman into custody for having violated the laws of his country. The man
searched him, and said, with the greatest nonchalance, that there was nothing
about him that warranted his detaining him. He then asked me if I had any-
thing to declare. Anything to declare ?" I said. "Yes, I declare that your
conduct is the greatest piece of impertinence I have ever heard of;" and I went on
in a great passion for a long time. The man got very angry, and I had a very
good mind to have him thrown into the sea for his insolence; but I conquered
my pride, for at that moment Prince FitzunStartz, the young Bohemian noble-
man who first brought over the polka, came tripping on the yacht, and I was
too glad, in order to escape, to take his arm, though he had just been smoking.
I recounted to him the dangers I had gone through, and he would have it I
was "quizzing" him, just as if I was likely to joke upon such a matter of
life and death. We had scarcely reached the end of the pier when an officer
stopped us, and informed me that the Jenny Lind was seized by the Custom
House authorities for having on board a quantity of smuggled goods. Oh dear!
oh dear! that Valenciennes will cost me dearer than what 1 might have got
it for at Howell and James's, and they wouldn't have asked me for the money for
six years to come at least; whereas I paid that smuggler every bit in sovereigns.
Oh! that stupid Yacht!

HINTS TO AGRICULTURAL SOCIETIES.-
About November stuff your calves for ap-
proaching show, and put the tails of your
Sprigs over night into curl paper. Rub a
Little bear's grease on the head of your
sheep, and pass small-tooth combs through
a their fleecy wool. Wash your Southdowns
in warm soap.and-water, and let your little
porkers have a good lathering, particularly
about the chops. Trim your cows with satin ribbons, part the hair on their
foreheads down the middle, and fix it with bandoline. Black the hoofs of
your bulls, stir up your Durhams well, and see that they are properly mus-
tered.

PRETTY THOUGHT.-"I would not be a pig," says a Dutch poet, '-tor
then I could not eat it."

LAYS OF MODERN BABY-LON.

BY YOUNG WHAT-YOU-MAY-CALLEE.
(Aged.five yea V and a day.)
" HIGH diddle lofty diddle and diddle wondrous high-
Diddle exalted like balloons far up into the sky."
Thus sung a youth of Kensington, a youth of gentle mien,
Whose mother came from Knightsbridge, and whose sire from Turnhan
Green.
"High diddle diddle," warbled he, "the fiddle and the cat,"
But very much I marvel now what meant the youth by that.
But words contain all mysteries, as difficult to trace
As Cleopatra's needle when it works the fragile lace,
And into many patterns all rapidly it flies-
As the clouds take strange appearances in floating through the skies.
" High diddle diddle," sung the youth with energy intense,
"The cat and fiddle," whispered he-alack, he spoke not sense.
" The cow," he murmured mournfully, and rather out of tune,
" Has at a bound sprung from the ground, and cleared the silver moon."
I wot not of his purpose in singing such a strain,
But hush! don't interrupt the youth, he takes it up again:
" Over the moon the cow has jumped, and then, such sport to see,
The little dog laughs quite outright, with a loud ha! ha! HEE !"
And now a sad elopement it is our lot to mark-
Why should the little dog have laughed ? how came he not to bark ?
For 'twas his solemn duty to try the course to stay
Of the roguish dish to thwart the wish, ere with spoon he ran away.
The song of youth is ended, but ever and anon
The murmur of the melody goes undulating on;
The echoes give in fragments the words "high diddle diddle,"
Then with a rush there comes a gush of-bark! "the cat and fiddle."
The melody again I think I hear-or shall hear very soon-
The line that says the rampant cow has jumped right o'er the moon,
The little dog is laughing too, such merry sport to see,
So in half-broken accents whispers a voice to me.
But worst of all, and last of all, and saddest thing to say,
A voice insists that with the spoon the dish has run away."
The music of the melody has floated through the air,
And died off like the premium upon a railway share.

-4--

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

A BUNDLE OF DEFINITIONS.

THE SEAT OF PAIN.-A seat in the front row of the dress circle of the
Adelphi Theatre, judging from first impressions, which they say last the
longest, is decidedly the Seat of Pain.
A pew in a fashionable church is a religious ordinary, held every Sunday,
price one shilling!
The weathercock, after all, points to the highest moral truth, for it shows
man that it is a vane thing to a-epire.
The Horse Guards are the Bright Pokers of the army. They are kept up
exclusively for show, most highly polished, but never intended to go into the
thick of the fire.
Sons treat their governors like oysters : they never cease "sticking" them
till they have made them shell out."
The Press of England and the Press of France are both noted for their
convictions-but the first are moral convictions, and the second legal ones.
Abd-el-Kader and a Turkey carpet are very much alike. They never come
out so strongly, their designs are never so apparent, and their colours never
have so much effect, as after a thorough good beating.
The Albert Hat is one of those things very much better described than
felt.
Many ideas are exceedingly pretty, which, when inquired into, are found,
like a necklace of birds' eggs, to hang upon the slightest thread, and to have
absolutely nothing in them. Some authors evidently look upon ideas as
children do upon birds' eggs-public property which there is no harm in
stealing. They string them, too, very much in the same strain-drawing
everything they can out of them, and decorating themselves afterwards with
the empty shells.

AGRICULTURAL SPORTs.-About Autumn catch your prize labourer, and
joke him at your annual Show; put him on a platform, and make good quiet
fai of his having brought up sixteen children on five shillings a week for
twenty years. Compliment him most highly on his sobriety and all the
cardinal virtues, and give him a good-natured dig about his little potato
ground. Give him a glass of wine and five shillings; and when you are
tired of the absurdity, tell him to sit down, and call up your fattest pig and
bull, and sustain the rollick of the day's amusements by awarding them
premiums of 101. and 151. each. This is capital sport, and gentlefolks come
far and near to see it, only we doubt if the poor labourer sees exactly the
fun of it.

TRUEFITT ON SHAKSPEARE.-An aspiring hairdresser, who has been to see
Romeo and Juliet, wishes to be informed whether the parting which the
lady describes to be such sweet sorrow" was in the middle, or only on one
side ? We are really unable to say with any certainty; but the faults of
lovers, which often lead to a parting, are generally on both sides.

L1848,

1848.] 237

MOVEMENT OF THE FINE ARTS.
THE Fine Arts are seized at present with a strange movement;
they are all going backwards. One would fancy they were retreat-
ing, or that they had lost something on the road, and were turning
back to pick it up. We scarcely imagine --
it was worth while going out of their JaLMS Crove
way to embrace the Middle Ages; it
shows but little taste on their part.
They might as well dress in the costume
of that period, and wear Gothic night-
caps, and medieval high-lows, and talk,
and write, and flirt in the language of
that period, as to attempt to reconcile
its hard angular painting (all their pic-
tures look to us like coloured problems
-as if Euclid had been their drawing- r 1
master) to the spirit of our own times.

present age in the stiff kitchen-poker
style which Messrs. Pugin, Dyce, and
such like retrograders, would wish to
revive! How would the immortal
Simpson look P How would the popular
Jim Crow appear to us, when carried
two hundred years back P Why! we
should not know them again.
Perhaps this going backwards is for Portrait ofJimCrow,alterHerbert.
the purpose of enabling the artists to jump farther onwards, as the
French proverb says, e-
culerpour mieux sauter;" or
is it to make the Fine Arts
so much younger, by knock-

years off their age P We al-
ways thought that art was
of no particular period, but
for all time. Antiquated la-
dies may gain by the above
process of youth-making,
and we can imagine in our
own mind's ear (if the mind
has an eye it must have an
ear) a very old man saying, "Ah I wish I could go back to the Middle Age !"
but really the Fine Arts should be above such weakness. This
love of going backward may account, perhaps, for so few artists
getting forward in their profession. Let them turn their backs
upon the past, and the future may smile brightly again upon
them. The English school of painting will not stand long, if it is
built with old'materials; some four hundred years old..

238 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1848.

THE FIRST NIGHT OF A PANTOMIME.
'Tis boxing night-every theatre is crammed,
S As close as a jelly the people are jammed;
Every corner is full from the roof to the floor,
h And money is being refused at the door.
The play of George Barnwell is being gone through,
S 'Mid the usual regular hullabaloo.
j .-- A middle-aged actor appears on the scene,
SRepresenting the weak-minded youth of eighteen;
'Tis true he's past forty, but collars turned down,
S With tie a la Byron, and wig of light brown,
With whiskers shaved off, and rouge daubed on in
plenty,
The old boy of forty looks something like twenty.
SBut our sympathies, somehow, he doesn't engage,
He's laughed at whenever he comes on the stage;
His uncle they wont let him murder in peace,
But the incident causes a cry of "police."
The uncle elicits no pity at all,
For shouts of rude merriment follow his fall;
And when his assassin has killed him outright,
Some wag" in the gallery bids him good night."
The pathos of Trueman, though good of its sort,
Is met with proposals for cutting it short;
And Barnwell goes off to be hanged 'mid a cry
Of shame," turn him out," serve him right and good-bye."
The pantomime now is awaited by all;
The house for the overture raises a call;
Confusion prevails, bits of orange-peel flit
From the gallery's hands to the heads of the pit;
The cat-call so loud, and the whistle so shrill,
Are blended with shouts such as Bob, where's your Bill!' "
At length the musicians have taken their seats,
The leader a lamp with his fiddle-stick beats;
Such silences ensues that the dropping of pins
Might be heard through the house when the playing begins.
The overture's always a musical salad,
A mixture of Polka, Cachuca, and ballad:
If the season has furnished a popular air,
The ear that is ticklish will meet with it there.
The taste of the public will often insist on
A solo for trumpet or cornet-a-piston,
Which, played well or ill, from the audience draws,
At Christmas, a general round of applause;
During holiday time you can never do wrong
If even a passage you gave to the gong,
Or formed a quartette most delicious and tender,
With poker, and shovel, and tongs, and the fender.

THE FIRST NIGHT OF A PANTOMIME

The overture's finished, the curtain's ascended,
A scene is before us exceedingly splendid.
A lovely princess is reduced to despair
At long being wooed by a man she can't bear,
A wretch in a mask with inelegant features,
That are found nowhere else but in pantomime creatures;
But after the lady there constantly dangles
A youth whose thin calves are bedizened with spangles;
For under his cloak his legs we discover,
And afterwards harlequin" peeps through the lover.

Of course the princess has a father severe,
With a mouth quite extending from ear unto ear;
His head is terrific, and, monstrous surprise,
If you look down his mouth you'll distinguish his eyes.
And as to his voice, if its source you should trace,
You'll find it proceeds from a very odd place-
A sort of incision just under his chin,
Through which he sends forth a most horrible din.
The choice of his daughter he does not approve,
And nothing the heart of the tyrant will move;
The lovers are both to despair giving way,
When of splendid machinery there's a display.
Some clouds from the stage unexpectedly rise,
While a sort of pavilion descends from the flies;
But somehow or other, it seems, in the air,
Their machine always is out of repair;
The clouds make a hitch, and refuse to expand,
Or the flying pavilion is brought to a stand.
The obstacle soon is surmounted, when straight
A fairy appears-the expounder of fate.
She bids the fair lady abandon her gloom,
And the aspect of columbine quickly assume;
At which the princess, being gone to the wing,
Has the whole of her dress dragged away by a string;
Then in petticoats wondrously short she advances,
And gives at the house the most sunny of glances.
To the youth in the spangles the fairy next speaks,
And bids him of harlequin practise the freaks;

1848.-

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

The shape he assumes, and attention to win,
His head he sets off in a wonderful spin-
So rapidly twisting and twirling it round,
That we wonder it does not drop off on the ground.
The father and friend are let loose on the town,
As pantaloon one-and the other as clown;
A loud here we are!" gains a general shout,
Pantaloon says his mother's aware he is out;
And then, 'mid a mutual kicking of shins,
The fun of the pantomime fairly begins.
Of course there's a baker who's robbed by the clown;
Of course there's an image-tray coolly pushed down;
Of course there's a baby crushed flat as a flounder.;
Of course there's a lady with pickpockets round her;
Of course there's a pie, and of course (who could doubt of it?)
Directly it's opened, live pigeons fly out of it;
Of course there's a window, and steadfastly view it,
Of course you'll see harlequin neatly jump through it;
Of course there's an uproar, and then, to enrich it,
Of course there's a clamour for Tippitywitchet;"
Of course it's encored, and, it need not be said,
Of course we're indulged with Hot Codlins" instead;
Of course they all meet in the Cave of Despair,
And of course no one knows how they ever got there;
And of course the last scene is the Realms of Delight,
And of course there's a hope that you'll come every night;
And of course the kind fairy appears once again,
But why, she of course don't attempt to explain;
Of course she propitiates all her kind friends."
The curtain then falls, and the pantomime ends.

_

CHANGE.
How many minds has Julia got?
'Tis really hard to say;
But she must have a precious lot-
She changes one each day !

[1848.

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Ai- '
7 I.

T1'IH UNIVERSAL PHILANTHRO PI S T.

1848.] 241

THE UNIVERSAL PHILANTHROPIST.
PHILANTHROPY, how pleasant is thy name !
How often have I sat up half the night
Some panegyric on thee to indite,
Until I've warmed myself into a flame
Enough to melt my heart within my frame.
Yes, on the subject I delight to dwell,
Penning those sentiments that always tell-
Calling on wealth to wear the blush of shame,
Because 'tis sometimes slow to "give, give, give"
The means whereby the famished poor may live.
Philanthropy! thy dictates I obey;
To pay thee homage I shall never cease;
(To "Poor Man.")
"Give you a penny! Nonsense! get away;
If you're not off I'll call for the police!"

THE CITY "FAST MAN."
FADDLE is a distinguished member of
the Stock Exchange, and decidedly
one of the "fastest men" in the City.
fHe makes his appearance in the City
at about half-past eleven every day;
strolls about the neighbourhood of the Bank,
with his hands in the pockets of his coat-tails;
takes a sandwich at the Auction Mart, or
oysters in Finch Lane; and goes away about
three, with the idea that he has been very
busy. We first met him at the Hanover
Square Rooms. His dress was rather pecu-
liar; and at the first glance you said (to your-
self), "This is no common man;" and it is
rather singular that the more you knew of
him, the more you became confirmed in that
opinion. His coat was very long in the waist,
with singularly capacious sleeves; his neck-
cloth very narrow; and his whiskers a triumph
of art in the curling line. His waistcoat was
considerably larger than any you ever saw,
\ -- except on an ostler; his shirt was embroidered
and very transparent, with some pink substance underneath, that
made one fancy he had recently been using the flesh-brush very
vigorously. His trousers were very tight about the legs; and his
boots very tight about the feet. The first remark he made was on
a young lady, who he said was "a good stepper." He next stated
B

1848.] 241

THE UNIVERSAL PHILANTHROPIST.
PHILANTHROPY, how pleasant is thy name !
How often have I sat up half the night
Some panegyric on thee to indite,
Until I've warmed myself into a flame
Enough to melt my heart within my frame.
Yes, on the subject I delight to dwell,
Penning those sentiments that always tell-
Calling on wealth to wear the blush of shame,
Because 'tis sometimes slow to "give, give, give"
The means whereby the famished poor may live.
Philanthropy! thy dictates I obey;
To pay thee homage I shall never cease;
(To "Poor Man.")
"Give you a penny! Nonsense! get away;
If you're not off I'll call for the police!"

THE CITY "FAST MAN."
FADDLE is a distinguished member of
the Stock Exchange, and decidedly
one of the "fastest men" in the City.
fHe makes his appearance in the City
at about half-past eleven every day;
strolls about the neighbourhood of the Bank,
with his hands in the pockets of his coat-tails;
takes a sandwich at the Auction Mart, or
oysters in Finch Lane; and goes away about
three, with the idea that he has been very
busy. We first met him at the Hanover
Square Rooms. His dress was rather pecu-
liar; and at the first glance you said (to your-
self), "This is no common man;" and it is
rather singular that the more you knew of
him, the more you became confirmed in that
opinion. His coat was very long in the waist,
with singularly capacious sleeves; his neck-
cloth very narrow; and his whiskers a triumph
of art in the curling line. His waistcoat was
considerably larger than any you ever saw,
\ -- except on an ostler; his shirt was embroidered
and very transparent, with some pink substance underneath, that
made one fancy he had recently been using the flesh-brush very
vigorously. His trousers were very tight about the legs; and his
boots very tight about the feet. The first remark he made was on
a young lady, who he said was "a good stepper." He next stated
B

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

that he had been at the Corner" all day: on our inquiring where
that was, he said, with a contemptuous look, Tattersall's, to be
sure!" He then told us that Lord Levant's Wide Awake" was a
likely horse for the Leger; and said, if we were doing anything on
it, we had better not lay out our money on Captain Spavin's
" Flare Up." His next inquiry was if we knew Tom Spraggs P and
upon our answering in the negative, he ejaculated, quite loud,
"Don't he drive cattle, that's all ?" We fancied at first that Mr.
Spraggs might be a drover, but abandoned the idea in favour of its
being some technical term we did not understand. Here the con-
versation flagged, and to resuscitate it we made a remark on Mr.
Faddle's coat-studs, and asked what they were made of Teeth,"
he said. "Teeth!" we could not help exclaiming; "what teeth?"
"Why, foxes' teeth, to be sure," he said, turning away with an air
of infinite disgust, and never spoke to us again.
We watched him at supper, and found he did not wait on other
people much, but took great care of himself. We heard him offer
to get a spaniel of some extraordinary breed for a young lady; but
he never thought of asking her if she would take anything, though
he was eating all the while himself. His appetite, in fact, was
rather extensive. He partook largely of the substantial, then
addressed himself to the plovers' eggs and lobster salads, and
finished with a deep tankard of beer, which he called "malt."
Later in the evening we thought a strong odour of tobacco pervaded
the hall, and going out we found the fast man" with a "weed in
his off-cheek," as he elegantly expressed it, just preparing to start.
His dog-cart was at the door, he jumped in, the small tiger (quite
a portable boy) climbed up behind, Mr. Faddle blew a few loud
notes with his post-horn, and we saw him no.more.

EXPRESSIVE CHINESE PROVERBS.
NEW milk is not got from a statue.
An emperor may have the measles.
A disobedient son is a mad bull tied to his father's pigtail.
The man who breaks his egg in the centre is a fool.
He who marries an angry woman must sleep in a bed of fireworks.
One bird's-nest in the soup is worth two hundred in the bush.
.A wise man at court is like a mermaid in a ball-room.
Carrying a peacock on your head does not make you a nobleman.
Teaching a woman scandal is like teaching a kettle to boil.
A comet can be caught any time by putting a little salt on its tail.
Ambition is like hunting for fleas.
If a golden key wont open a woman's heart, try one of brass.
Shave with a file, if you like, but don't blame the razor.
Looking into the future is like giving A blind man a pair of spectacles to
see through a millstone.
The hasty man drinks his tea with a fork.

[i848.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

that he had been at the Corner" all day: on our inquiring where
that was, he said, with a contemptuous look, Tattersall's, to be
sure!" He then told us that Lord Levant's Wide Awake" was a
likely horse for the Leger; and said, if we were doing anything on
it, we had better not lay out our money on Captain Spavin's
" Flare Up." His next inquiry was if we knew Tom Spraggs P and
upon our answering in the negative, he ejaculated, quite loud,
"Don't he drive cattle, that's all ?" We fancied at first that Mr.
Spraggs might be a drover, but abandoned the idea in favour of its
being some technical term we did not understand. Here the con-
versation flagged, and to resuscitate it we made a remark on Mr.
Faddle's coat-studs, and asked what they were made of Teeth,"
he said. "Teeth!" we could not help exclaiming; "what teeth?"
"Why, foxes' teeth, to be sure," he said, turning away with an air
of infinite disgust, and never spoke to us again.
We watched him at supper, and found he did not wait on other
people much, but took great care of himself. We heard him offer
to get a spaniel of some extraordinary breed for a young lady; but
he never thought of asking her if she would take anything, though
he was eating all the while himself. His appetite, in fact, was
rather extensive. He partook largely of the substantial, then
addressed himself to the plovers' eggs and lobster salads, and
finished with a deep tankard of beer, which he called "malt."
Later in the evening we thought a strong odour of tobacco pervaded
the hall, and going out we found the fast man" with a "weed in
his off-cheek," as he elegantly expressed it, just preparing to start.
His dog-cart was at the door, he jumped in, the small tiger (quite
a portable boy) climbed up behind, Mr. Faddle blew a few loud
notes with his post-horn, and we saw him no.more.

EXPRESSIVE CHINESE PROVERBS.
NEW milk is not got from a statue.
An emperor may have the measles.
A disobedient son is a mad bull tied to his father's pigtail.
The man who breaks his egg in the centre is a fool.
He who marries an angry woman must sleep in a bed of fireworks.
One bird's-nest in the soup is worth two hundred in the bush.
.A wise man at court is like a mermaid in a ball-room.
Carrying a peacock on your head does not make you a nobleman.
Teaching a woman scandal is like teaching a kettle to boil.
A comet can be caught any time by putting a little salt on its tail.
Ambition is like hunting for fleas.
If a golden key wont open a woman's heart, try one of brass.
Shave with a file, if you like, but don't blame the razor.
Looking into the future is like giving A blind man a pair of spectacles to
see through a millstone.
The hasty man drinks his tea with a fork.

[i848.

AN IMAGINARY RUN ON A TURKISH RAILWAY.

FORMATION of the new railway
) across the Isthmus of Suez is sugges-
tive of some curious speculation as to
the mode in which business will be con-
ducted by the Turks, whose tree of
knowledge is rather green upon such
I U matters, and may get its owners into a
line from which it will not be easy to
extricate themselves.
i The Lamp of Aladdin, of course, will
be used as a safety signal, and the bow-string (that great moral
engine" which draws everybody in the East into one common
terminus) as a signal of danger. It is also understood that the
celebrated -lave of the Ring" will be posted by turns at the
different stations to announce the arrival of the trains; and that in
place of the electric telegraph, the celebrated telescope of Prince
Ai (which beat Lord Rosse's hollow) will be used in conjunction
with the Prince Hassein's carpet to discover accidents and despatch
assistance; while the apple of Prince Ahmed, which cured all dis-
eases, will be used for the relief of the sufferers. The solemnity of
Eastern manners will have a singular effect among the-to us-
every-day associations connected with railway travelling. We can
fancy a director, on a dividend day, exclaiming, "Holy Profit!"
but we can not fancy the chairman and directors dining together
afterwards at the Bosphorus Blackwall, wherever that may be,
without wine or whitebait, and getting through the gormandizing
process with their fingers. Then, on coming away, what a tedious
process it must be; the finding of the slippers which have been left
in the hall-an annoyance which an English director could imagine
if he had ever been obliged to leave a festive party at the Crown
and Sceptre in a small Wellington and a big Blucher, belonging to
other gentlemen. Of course, the subordinates on the line will be
equally polite with their betters. As a train arrives at a station,
the Oriental guard will rise from his chibouk, and say, with a pro-
found salaam, "Kosh Amedid! You are welcome!" and express a
hope to the party, Pasha or highly-fed Aga, as they alight from
the first-class carrages, that their respective shadows may never
be less-which, by the way, to men who are wont to indulge in
habitual oxen, stuffed with perpetual pistachio nuts, is rather an
uncharitable wish than otherwise. Then the official will solemnly
approach the second class, and exclaim, "Mashallah, oh ye gents
-(there are doubtless gents in the East)-but are the tickets of
the faithful ready P" and add, on receiving them, Bishmillah, the
Mare of Mahomet be praised !" To the third class, where the un-
believers will throng, the expression will be-" Allah is great, and
a2

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

Mahomet is his Prophet. Dogs of Christians, tickets !" Reversing
the English custom, a carriage must be set apart in every train
for the infidels who do not smoke.

THE POTATO ITSELF AGAIN.

WE are glad to announce the recovery of the Potato. It has been
too long absent from the festive board, and we are sure its re-
appearance at the dinner table will be hailed with all the warmth
of a public friend, whose generous nature enables thousands to keep
the pot boiling all the year round. How rejoiced the Baked Leg
of Mutton will be to embrace its old companion once more I The
two agree so well that they never should be separated. We can
imagine the pans and kettles too, which have been growing rather
rusty in its absence, will now brighten up again at its return, and
bless "its dear eyes," a la T. P. Cooke, to see it looking so well. In
Ireland its recovery will be quite a national feast. The "whole
biling" of them will be, let us hope, in every man's mouth. In
England, also, it will be a guest everywhere, from the palace to the
potato-can. England is proud of its Champion; and justly-for no
Champion strips so quickly for his rounds as the Potato. May it
never leave us again! We could well spare a better vegetable.

HOW TO MAKE SURE TO WIN.
A TALE OF A FAT CATTLE SHOW.
THE other day, in some country town,
A husbandman, who owned the name of Brown,
Had such a heifer as was never matched
In all the homesteads round;
So fine a head, such legs, and buttocks clean,
Small-boned, well-fleshed, its peer was never seen,
Juste milieu-fat and lean.
Farmers admired, and graziers praised galore.
Until the lucky owner vowed and swore,
The lowest price for't wor a hundred pound."

[1848.

HOW TO MAKE SURE TO WIN.

But we all know that love can't get fat upon flowers,
And the heifer was found to fatten on praise.
Rent day would come round,
Yet no hundred pound
Appearing-our farmer flared up" to a blaze,
And getting a hint the stumpy" to raise,
Thought the very best way to get the best price
Was to dabble a bit-he was not very nice-
In a morsel of gambling, and offer his friends
A chance for the prize, which should certainly go
By way of a raffe-five guineas a throw.

Great was the clatter, the noise and array,
Of farmers at dinner the next market day.
The host of the Crown
In Diddleton town
Counted up on his fingers that forty sat down
To devour his hot roast and to drink his best ale,
Whilst they talked over crops, or reckoned the sale
Of their hay and their oats,
And the eels from their moats,
Of their lucerne, their tares,
Their apples, their pears,
Their boars and their sows,
Their calves and their cows;
But one and all joined, when the dinner had past,
In the cry Now the raffle; who'll win her at last ?"
But amidst all the noise one farmer was still,
Till he'd given his stomach a right hearty fill.
Then from deep neathh his waistcoat a deeper voice stuttered,
Cousin Stumps, thou'lt be in't, mind, and I'll share wi' you,
And Hodge, bo', you've paid, and I'm halves wi' you too.
And as for my meaning, I'se just dropped the tin,
And wi' your luck and mine I feel cock-sure to win.
I doant'come from Yorkshire for nothing, you know-
It's just three to one that I win on the throw;
And my luck, which has stood up so mony a time,
Makes me sure in a hour the beast '11 be mine."

"Clear off the dishes and cloth in a trice;
Bring in the grog and bring in the dice,
Two, three, four, and seven,
Eight, ten, and eleven."
The dice rattle down, and the numbers are told,
One after another the farmers are sold.
Till it's Farmer York's turn,
And his digits they burn

246 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1848.

To handle the box and to give it the twist
That at old Crockford's College is taught to the wrist.
The ivories clatter-
All silence their chatter,
As they see with surprise and vexation enow,
How Dame Fortune will always well grease the fat sow.
The gamble is done-
Fat Yorkshire has won!
And the heifer, the glory of Diddleton town,
Is to trudge to his straw-yard from that of old Brown.
Stop awhile," halloos Stumps, half York's chance was mine,
And, safe enough, Hodge, t'other half must be thoine:
He went' halves' in my chance, and he went shares in yours;
And he's won the prize heifer to make it all ours.
He don't come from Yorkshire for nothing, you see,
But makes 'cock sure to win'-for you and for me."
MORAL.
Now all good youths and maidens, pray,
Who this true story scan,
Remember what I'm going to say,
And act on't-if you can;
Still on life's chequered strange highway,
Whatever path you cross,
Don't be too greedy, or you may
Make sure to win-a loss.

WHAT A GENTLEMAN MAY DO, AND
WHAT HE MAY NOT DO.
HE may carry a brace of partridges, but not a leg of mutton.
He may be seen in the omnibus-box at the Opera, but not on the box oL
an omnibus.
He may be seen in a stall inside a theatre, but not at a stall outside
one.
He may dust another person's jacket, but mustn't brush his own.
He may kill a man in a duel, but he mustn't eat peas with his knife.
He may thrash a coalheaver, but he mustn't ask twice for soup.
He must pay his debts of honour, but he needn't trouble himself about
his tradesmen's bills.
He may drive a stage-coach, but he mustn't take or carry coppers.
He may ride a horse as a jockey, but he mustn't exert himself in the
least to get his living.
He must never forget what he owes to himself as a gentleman, but he
need not mind what he owes as a gentleman to his tailor.
He may do anything, or anybody, in fact, within the range of a gentleman
-go through the Insolvent Debtors Court, or turn billiard-marker; but
he must never on any account carry a brown paper parcel, or appear in
the streets without a pair of gloves.

246 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1848.

To handle the box and to give it the twist
That at old Crockford's College is taught to the wrist.
The ivories clatter-
All silence their chatter,
As they see with surprise and vexation enow,
How Dame Fortune will always well grease the fat sow.
The gamble is done-
Fat Yorkshire has won!
And the heifer, the glory of Diddleton town,
Is to trudge to his straw-yard from that of old Brown.
Stop awhile," halloos Stumps, half York's chance was mine,
And, safe enough, Hodge, t'other half must be thoine:
He went' halves' in my chance, and he went shares in yours;
And he's won the prize heifer to make it all ours.
He don't come from Yorkshire for nothing, you see,
But makes 'cock sure to win'-for you and for me."
MORAL.
Now all good youths and maidens, pray,
Who this true story scan,
Remember what I'm going to say,
And act on't-if you can;
Still on life's chequered strange highway,
Whatever path you cross,
Don't be too greedy, or you may
Make sure to win-a loss.

WHAT A GENTLEMAN MAY DO, AND
WHAT HE MAY NOT DO.
HE may carry a brace of partridges, but not a leg of mutton.
He may be seen in the omnibus-box at the Opera, but not on the box oL
an omnibus.
He may be seen in a stall inside a theatre, but not at a stall outside
one.
He may dust another person's jacket, but mustn't brush his own.
He may kill a man in a duel, but he mustn't eat peas with his knife.
He may thrash a coalheaver, but he mustn't ask twice for soup.
He must pay his debts of honour, but he needn't trouble himself about
his tradesmen's bills.
He may drive a stage-coach, but he mustn't take or carry coppers.
He may ride a horse as a jockey, but he mustn't exert himself in the
least to get his living.
He must never forget what he owes to himself as a gentleman, but he
need not mind what he owes as a gentleman to his tailor.
He may do anything, or anybody, in fact, within the range of a gentleman
-go through the Insolvent Debtors Court, or turn billiard-marker; but
he must never on any account carry a brown paper parcel, or appear in
the streets without a pair of gloves.

S HIRTICULTU RE.
A NEW branch of the Fine Arts has lately flourished, which we do not
know how to designate by any better name than SHIRTICULTURE. It is
the art of painting on shirts an art which
cannot fail to go to the bosom of every one
who enters at all i to it. It was a
favourite maxim of Buf- fon, that Le style c'est
J'homme." With all due respect to one who
dressed animals in the finest language, we beg
to say, that nowadays La chemise c'est
I'homme." The shirt is the man. Depend upon
it, that shortly the par- ticular profession, trade,
penchant, or weakness of every one, will be laid
bare to the whole world upon his breast. The
gent has nearest to his heart a ballet-girl; and
the sportsman is imme- \ diately detected by the
last winner of the Derby peeping through his
"Dickey." The noble game of cricket has been
got up on a piece of lawn, no bigger than
your chest; and we have j seen Jack Sheppard
breaking through a pub- lican's shirt-front. Row-
ing matches not unfre- TEf GENEALOGICAL SaIT. quently run down the
back of a river swell; and we know a gentleman who never appears on
the turf without a whole steeple-chase gal-
loping right over him, b with a tremendous hun-
ter jumping over each shoulder. The rage for
pictorial shirts will i ultimately spread over
everybody in 'the king- dom. Men of noble
descent will be draw- ing out their genea-
logical tiee on a square of fine calico; and ad-
mirers of the Fancy" will be putting their pet
bull-dogs into muslin. We shall have heraldic
shirts, theatrical shirts, military shirts, archaeo-
logical and- antiquarian shirts, temperance and
convivial shirts, and shirts with portraits of
puppy-dogs, men, par- rots, and women We
shall have artists in / shirts, as we have artists
in hair; and every washerwoman's drying-
ground will be an exhi- bition, to which the pub-
li will be admitted without having to pay a
shilling to witness the pictures. A catalogue, in fact, could be drawn up,
and might run as follows:-
EXIBIrTION OF SHIRTS IN THE WASHING ACADEMY OF MRS. TUBBS AND
JACK TOWEL, ESQ., BALLS POND.
1. Portrait of a Fat Cook, in the possession of A 1 and B 2.
2. A Lion's Head, sketched from a celebrated door-knocker in Portland Place,
which was taken off on November 15, 1842, by a noble marquis.
3. Cleopatra, a beautiful pug, and Sulky Bob, a lovely terrier, belonging to the
Houndsditch Stunner.
4. The Last o' Peel-Sir Robert tendering his resignation to Her Majesty.
5. Leg of mutton and trimmings-the shirt of an alderman.
6. Views of Canterbury and York cathedrals-The two sleeves of a bishop.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

7. A Soldier's Beer, and Believing Guard; the shirt of two Blues-The sou-
venirs of a housemaid.
8. "'Till so gently stealing;" Jack Sheppard helping himself in Mr. Wood's
shop-The shirt of a young gentleman in Field Lane.
9. The Last Man-the property of a life-pill manufacturer.
10. St. George's, Hanover Square-The bosom comforter of a young lady.
11. When hollow hearts shall wear a mask;" a view of Jullien's Masquerade-
A False Front, late the property of a medical student, but now belonging to his
cherished Uncle.
12. Distant view of Reading-The shirt of a critic.
13. Polly, a celebrated Hampshire pig, who won the prize for short snouts and
curly tails, at the Royal Agricultural Show, 1845-The chemise of Mr. Giblett.

A LONDON INTERIOR.
IF you have ever been to the Casino, you must have seen young Watts
O'Clock. He aspired, in his Gentish soul, to be a Fast Man;" and certainly
his ambition was gratified, for he was universally looked upon as the Fastest
of the Fast." He went so fast that eventually he disappeared altogether.
I was going home very late, one dark morning, when I heard my nameicalled
out. I looked up, and noticed before my door an immense advertising van.
The name issued again from one of the little windows at the side, and, lo I
recognized the Roman nose of Watts O'Clock peeping through it. Where
there is a nose, I said, there must be a face ; and if there is a face, it is highly
probable that there is a body somewhere to it.
"Come uip, my boy," the same voice and nose continued. I needed no
further invitation. In another minute I was inside the van. True enough,
it was young Watts. The interior was fitted up not very stylishly, but just
as good as any lodging-house. The walls were papered with a handsome pat-
tern, at three-halfpence a yard. In one corner of the room was a turn-up
bedstead, and in the other a large sofa. A table and two chairs completed
the furniture-with a meerschaum and a luciler box.
Glad to see you," he said; make yourself at home."
It's a queer place for home," I could not help saying.
"Not at all. I've been here ten days, and I can assure you it's precious
comfortable. No taxes, and rent only three shillings a week; and nothing
for attendance. Not an extra, except occasionally a turnpike."
And it has one advantage, you can go wherever you like, and move as
often as you please."
"Exactly. Last night I slept in Drury Lane; the night before in the
Borough; to-night, you see, I honour your neighbourhood with a visit; this
morning I make a call in Tottenham Court Road, and then on to Gretna
Green."
"Gretna Green !" Iexclaimed; "whatever is taking you in an advertising
van to Gretna Green?"
A matter of affection," he said, seriously. "Jack, did you ever see an
elopement in high life ? Well, then, my good fellow, you shall see one this
morning. Here, I say, old slowcoach," he exclaimed, putting his head out
of the door, and speaking to the driver. The old shop, Great Russell Street;
and take care of the corners, mind. The stupid fool nearly upset the van
the other day, driving sharp round Percy Street. I was breakfasting at the
time, and received the teapot in my bosom, besides stamping a medal with the
exact copy of my features on a pound of butter."

[1848.

POPULAR CONTINENTAL DELUSIONS.

But how came you here ?"
"Why, the constable drove me to it. We had a running match together
last week. The long-legged runner of the law was gaining rapidly upon me.
I saw Whitecross before me. Fear lent me the rapidity of a mad bull. Every
one got out of my way. I bounded through the Little Turnstile like a pea
through a tube. I found myself in Holborn. I felt the asthma of the bailiff
close behind me. My left shoulder ached with the ague of a thousand writs.
There is a touch in human nature which makes all mankind run; and that
is the touch of a sheriff's officer. I ran across the road, but lo an immense
tower, a moving house, a mountain on wheels, in short, an advertising van,
obstructed my path. Hope whispered into my ear, Get into it, you donkey!'
In another minute I had jumped over the driver's head, and was inside these
hospitable walls. I peeped through one of the eyes of 'Grimstone's Snuff'
posters, and saw my pursuer looking wildly for me in every direction, won-
dering where I had disappeared to. I bought that good driver's silence, and
I have remained his tenant ever since. We go on remarkably well together,
excepting when he takes a strange turn, and upsets me by his clumsy driving.
I stop here, because it is not safe to venture out, and so I have furnished my
portable apartment as comfortably as I can." Here the van stopped, and
Watts said, Now, my good fellow, I must trouble you to leave me. This is
the house where my flame lives. You see it is burning now in the bedroom
window. She elopes with me to-night. 1 have been courting her now, thanks
to that long ladder, for the last week. A modern version of Romeo and
Juliet. She has consented to entrust her fortune to me. She is an heiress,
as I needn't tell you. But her window opens. Dear creature, how anxiously
she's expecting me. Fondest Emily, I fly to you. Leave me, Jackey, and
witness this elopement in high life outside my humble habitation." So
saying, he ran up the ladder which was perched against the side of the interior
of his lodging. I watched him from the street. The top of the monster cart
was just on a level with the bedroom windows. A fair form issued out of one.
A pair of arms caught the trembling figure, and they disappeared together
down the hollow square of the van. The next moment a handkerchief, with a
portrait of the winner of the Derby, was waved out of one of the little windows
of the vehicle, and I heard Watts's voice call out, Coachman, Gretna Green '"
Whether the van ever reached its destination is a mystery which must remain
in darkness for the present.

POPULAR CONTINENTAL DELUSIONS RESPECTING ENGLAND.
THAT Englishmen never eat anything but "biftecks and "pomme-de-
terres."
That a Lord, when he is displeased with his wife, can take her to
Smithfield, and putting a rope round her neck, sell her in the market for a
pot of beer, or whatever a drunken drover chooses to bid for her.
That brandy is allowed to be drunk in the House of Lords.
That no daguerreotype can be taken in London, in consequence of the per-
petual fogs; and that the church clocks are illuminated for the same obscure
reason.
That the only pastryis plum-pudding; the only wine, ale or porter; the only
fruit, baked potatoes; the only song, God Save the Queen," and the only
national amusement, boxing.
That no gentleman's establishment is complete without a bull-dog.
That the ladies propose to the gentlemen; that Gretna Green is an omni-

POPULAR CONTINENTAL DELUSIONS.

But how came you here ?"
"Why, the constable drove me to it. We had a running match together
last week. The long-legged runner of the law was gaining rapidly upon me.
I saw Whitecross before me. Fear lent me the rapidity of a mad bull. Every
one got out of my way. I bounded through the Little Turnstile like a pea
through a tube. I found myself in Holborn. I felt the asthma of the bailiff
close behind me. My left shoulder ached with the ague of a thousand writs.
There is a touch in human nature which makes all mankind run; and that
is the touch of a sheriff's officer. I ran across the road, but lo an immense
tower, a moving house, a mountain on wheels, in short, an advertising van,
obstructed my path. Hope whispered into my ear, Get into it, you donkey!'
In another minute I had jumped over the driver's head, and was inside these
hospitable walls. I peeped through one of the eyes of 'Grimstone's Snuff'
posters, and saw my pursuer looking wildly for me in every direction, won-
dering where I had disappeared to. I bought that good driver's silence, and
I have remained his tenant ever since. We go on remarkably well together,
excepting when he takes a strange turn, and upsets me by his clumsy driving.
I stop here, because it is not safe to venture out, and so I have furnished my
portable apartment as comfortably as I can." Here the van stopped, and
Watts said, Now, my good fellow, I must trouble you to leave me. This is
the house where my flame lives. You see it is burning now in the bedroom
window. She elopes with me to-night. 1 have been courting her now, thanks
to that long ladder, for the last week. A modern version of Romeo and
Juliet. She has consented to entrust her fortune to me. She is an heiress,
as I needn't tell you. But her window opens. Dear creature, how anxiously
she's expecting me. Fondest Emily, I fly to you. Leave me, Jackey, and
witness this elopement in high life outside my humble habitation." So
saying, he ran up the ladder which was perched against the side of the interior
of his lodging. I watched him from the street. The top of the monster cart
was just on a level with the bedroom windows. A fair form issued out of one.
A pair of arms caught the trembling figure, and they disappeared together
down the hollow square of the van. The next moment a handkerchief, with a
portrait of the winner of the Derby, was waved out of one of the little windows
of the vehicle, and I heard Watts's voice call out, Coachman, Gretna Green '"
Whether the van ever reached its destination is a mystery which must remain
in darkness for the present.

POPULAR CONTINENTAL DELUSIONS RESPECTING ENGLAND.
THAT Englishmen never eat anything but "biftecks and "pomme-de-
terres."
That a Lord, when he is displeased with his wife, can take her to
Smithfield, and putting a rope round her neck, sell her in the market for a
pot of beer, or whatever a drunken drover chooses to bid for her.
That brandy is allowed to be drunk in the House of Lords.
That no daguerreotype can be taken in London, in consequence of the per-
petual fogs; and that the church clocks are illuminated for the same obscure
reason.
That the only pastryis plum-pudding; the only wine, ale or porter; the only
fruit, baked potatoes; the only song, God Save the Queen," and the only
national amusement, boxing.
That no gentleman's establishment is complete without a bull-dog.
That the ladies propose to the gentlemen; that Gretna Green is an omni-

250 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1848.

bus-ride from London, and that half the marriages in England, those of
Royalty and cooks included, are celebrated by The Blacksmith.
That commissions are purchasable in the police force, and that the sons of
noblemen are proud to serve in it.
That the result of every dinner-party is for the gentlemen to drop, one by
one, underneath the table, after which they are carried upstairs to the ladies.
That half the population is milors," and the other half millionaires."
That there is no English school of painting, excepting that practised by,
Clowns and Ethiopians.
That the Boy Jones is (if the truth was known) a member of the Royal
Family.
That George the Fourth was in the habit of going to the Coal Hole.
That Watt stole his steam-engine from the French; and other -absurdities
by far too numerous to mention.

NEW YEAR'S GIFTS.
A LITTLE WRINKLE FOR NEXT SESSION.-If the parliamentary privilege of
freedom from arrest is done away with, we are afraid that the question
of the Jews in a British Parliament will touch not only the prejudices but
thb persons of certain members too closely ever to be admitted.
CuoBous DiscoVERY OF A SKELETON.-The perfect skeleton of a goose
is found in November next in Thames Tunnel by a police-officer looking
for an escaped criminal. The poor animal is supposed to have taken
refuge there on Michaelmas day, and to have died of starvation. This
little paragraph is written to record its sagacity. Readers, if you have any
sympathy, you will drop a tear to the memory of that goose'!
WHY do sailors serving in brigs make bad servants ?
Because it's impossible for a man to serve two-masters.
A NOVELTY.-Prince Albert's pig does not get a prize this year.
THE law is a long Chancery Lane that hath no turning but Portugal Street.
"OUR NATURAL ENEMIES"-tailors.
"THE BOTTLE."--" Ah, my dear fellow, you're gradually drinking your-
self into the grave," as the Pint Bottle said to the Quart.
PROVERB JUST IMPORTED FROM BOULOGNE.-A moustache covers a mul-
titude of debts.

QUESTION AND ANSWER.
Shlakspeare.-" What's in a name ?"
Widdicombe.-" The continual nuisance of writing your autograph."

FULL-FLAVOURED SIMILE.
MEN are frequently like tea-their real strength and goodness is not
properly drawn out of them till they have been for a short time in hot
water.

WHO sAYS 1T ISN'T?-The reason so many whales are found about the
North Pole is, because they supply all the Northern Lights with oil.-
Communicated by a Traveller.

DansyClss. CA 4frofesor Boarj S'"n3 JSacye Ci ft Pri tr A ffetnougafAi.
owt eaf. ra S e anykybl meadra d fwver ri Iery 9 ,at mus.leoar ts SMat.e -M. NeSt it comp-efie
ads.pair ado afr you're l a-Aiymf u e 'witro t a eayar asuct in Us mouth, and id srAid aJl
S abwsrarar, -- y CBaAe.l 7i fe af-druad Sre t& drt,-i and pulcr plao3 erT

Pr

GamngClaf _dy ProfeSr &zr &ec&apo. B.r.
/Ow IWtiZ shwr y N W, er to wiPAh he Cardi
"ad wt the Dic, Sy what always win.-

'K L I/

I ."-~ a~
Sy.ty9etz y&a.Nradmi .tA efoumj Ruffi/an
Nti dyl haLf f ric'ct Jw F r. F akf VWT yourk f 2
nto one upon rAs Ste ad ~nlou 2rrj ~r &r o
akB tripuy & 1; L24f f

fthwncew.^&i Pr' fror triidke.
oiu A? kbir mongv M- iou. cano finer ar
rme .DebD --- anai wr shew fie wa yo u woudo
rcs Iadcmsan ce s fo ast A
.i-^---p- /;rlB>

~'i'r r~Ln aIj4parent y jes'~io~it

popmw M -r~X B/ath

To teach the youJo1 idea horw to shoot ii i : a h vaio cinpsLen: ;''. bntricks

250 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1848.

bus-ride from London, and that half the marriages in England, those of
Royalty and cooks included, are celebrated by The Blacksmith.
That commissions are purchasable in the police force, and that the sons of
noblemen are proud to serve in it.
That the result of every dinner-party is for the gentlemen to drop, one by
one, underneath the table, after which they are carried upstairs to the ladies.
That half the population is milors," and the other half millionaires."
That there is no English school of painting, excepting that practised by,
Clowns and Ethiopians.
That the Boy Jones is (if the truth was known) a member of the Royal
Family.
That George the Fourth was in the habit of going to the Coal Hole.
That Watt stole his steam-engine from the French; and other -absurdities
by far too numerous to mention.

NEW YEAR'S GIFTS.
A LITTLE WRINKLE FOR NEXT SESSION.-If the parliamentary privilege of
freedom from arrest is done away with, we are afraid that the question
of the Jews in a British Parliament will touch not only the prejudices but
thb persons of certain members too closely ever to be admitted.
CuoBous DiscoVERY OF A SKELETON.-The perfect skeleton of a goose
is found in November next in Thames Tunnel by a police-officer looking
for an escaped criminal. The poor animal is supposed to have taken
refuge there on Michaelmas day, and to have died of starvation. This
little paragraph is written to record its sagacity. Readers, if you have any
sympathy, you will drop a tear to the memory of that goose'!
WHY do sailors serving in brigs make bad servants ?
Because it's impossible for a man to serve two-masters.
A NOVELTY.-Prince Albert's pig does not get a prize this year.
THE law is a long Chancery Lane that hath no turning but Portugal Street.
"OUR NATURAL ENEMIES"-tailors.
"THE BOTTLE."--" Ah, my dear fellow, you're gradually drinking your-
self into the grave," as the Pint Bottle said to the Quart.
PROVERB JUST IMPORTED FROM BOULOGNE.-A moustache covers a mul-
titude of debts.

QUESTION AND ANSWER.
Shlakspeare.-" What's in a name ?"
Widdicombe.-" The continual nuisance of writing your autograph."

FULL-FLAVOURED SIMILE.
MEN are frequently like tea-their real strength and goodness is not
properly drawn out of them till they have been for a short time in hot
water.

WHO sAYS 1T ISN'T?-The reason so many whales are found about the
North Pole is, because they supply all the Northern Lights with oil.-
Communicated by a Traveller.

	Front Cover
	Front Matter
	Half Title
	Frontispiece
	Title Page
	The comic almanack for 1848
	Back Matter
	Back Cover

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