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The Comic almanack
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00012
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1846
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00012

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image
    Title Page
        Title Page
    The comic almanack for 1846
        Unnumbered ( 10 )
        Another railway newspaper
            Page 90
        Abolition of dueling
            Page 90
        January
            Image : Aquarius
            Page 91
        Divers interesting questions for my readers to consider
            Page 92
        Pisces
            Image : Pisces
        Fire escapes
            Page 94
        February
            Page 93
        Lay of the blighted potato
            Page 95
        River
            Page 96
        March
            Image : Aries
            Page 97
        Stag
            Page 98
            Page 99
        Trade wind generator
            Page 99
        April
            Page 100
            Image : Taurus
        Novel chess problem
            Page 101
        Miscellanea curiosa
            Page 102
        May
            Image : Gemini
            Page 103
        Merrymans manual ; or clowns handbook of popular hilarity
            Page 103
            Page 104
        June
            Image : country
            Page 105
        Day before
            Page 106
        Ought Oliver Cromwell to have a statue ?
            Page 107
        July
            Page 108
            Image : Leo
        Bouquet projector or cerito catapult
            Page 109
        Bow street grange
            Page 110
            Page 111
        School of design
            Page 111
        August
            Page 112
            Image : Virgo
        Historical memoranda
            Page 113
        Martyrs of science
            Page 114
            Page 115
        September
            Page 116
            Image : Libra
        Revelations of London
            Page 117
        Unpublished poem
            Page 118
        October
            Image : Scorpio
            Page 119
            Page 120
        Tubal Cain
            Page 121
        First annual report of the Astley's Association
            Page 122
            Page 123
        Stanzas suggested by a view of Rosherville
            Page 124
        Stanzas suggested by a view of Rosherville
            Image : Sagittarius
            Page 125
        November
            Page 125
        Historical memoranda
            Page 126
        Hints to novelists for 1846
            Page 127
            Page 128
            Page 129
        Mottoes for cracker bonbons
            Page 130
        Corn capers
            Image : Capricornus
            Page 131
        December
            Page 131
        Judicium astrologicum
            Page 132
            Page 133
            Page 134
            Page 135
            Page 136
            Page 137
            Page 138
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text
















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NOTICE.


The FIRST SERIES of THE COMIC ALMANACK"
from 1835 to 1843, a nine years' gathering of the BEST
HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest Quips, and the
Best Things of THACKERAY, HOOD, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH,
A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Wood-
cuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE,
LANDELLS-

may now be had of the Publisher, crown 8vo, 600 pp.,
price 7s. 6d.

SThe First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise
THE COMPLETE WORK, extendingfrom 1835 to 1853.






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THE


COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
T-HE BROTHERS MAYHEW.



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"THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.-INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE 1ST FOOT."

igity mang unbnkb llastrations
4B Y GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

SECOND SERIES, 1844-1853.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDAN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.
'NEW YOK : SCRIBNER. WELFORD AND CO.

















THE


COMIC ALMANAC

FOR 1846.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


ANOTHER RAILWAY NEWSPAPER.
THE RAILWAY BELLE ASSEMBLEE.
EVERY one who has observed the mass of railway papers that have shot
up during the past half year, must have been astonished that none, devoted
to Fashionable Railway Intelligence and Literature, have yet appeared,
appealing more especially to those who have souls above the share-market.
We have the pleasure of announcing the immediate appearance of such a
periodical. We are aware that, at present, all sympathies, interests, and
affections, social and general, are absorbed by the mnilways; but the Rail-
way Belle Assemblee," whilst it never loses sight of the mighty spirit of
the age, will contain such literature alone, as the member of the beau monde
seeks for in vain, at present, in the bewildering and endless lines of adver-
tisements, and the single and double supplements of the daily and weekly
press.
The arrangement of amusements, &c., mnay be looked for asfollows:-A
grand race is about to take place upon the Great Western, from Paddington
to Slough, between the ten o'clock down train and a shower of rain. In
the event of fine weather, the meeting will be postponed until the next
day.
A ddjedner a la fingers is about to be given at the Wolverton station,
whilst the train stops, next Saturday. The pretty young lady with the dark
eyes, who makes the coffee so hot that the passengers cannot drink it, has con-
descended to preside. The visitors will arrive exactly ten minutes before
they depart. A band will accompany the passengers the whole distance-
round the hats of the guards; and a pyrotechnical display will take place off
the Birmingham terminus, when the engine fires are raked out for the night.
On Wednesday next, an interesting soirde of men of letters will be held,
at eight o'clock, with the Post-office bags, at all the different termini. The
clerk at the Kingston station is expected to get the sack five-and-twenty
minutes after, but it will not reflect any discredit on him.
Eastern Counties ailwoay.-An interesting lecture on steam, and the
properties of the engine, was given by the engineer of the Blazes," locomo-
tive, on Tuesday, to the new stoker, on the tender. The proceedings con-
cluded with a private dinner of two polonies, a small loaf, and pot of half-and-
half.
InPORTANT.-By a recent Act of Parliament every director is liable to be
called upon to ride in front of the train, whenever it is necessary, as a buffer.
As a great part of them are men of straw, the fitness of these buffers for the
purpose is unquestionable, in addition to the chaff which they have always at
command.

ABOLITION OF DUELLING.
The members of the various Clubs have come to the determination to put
down this atrocious custom. In the event of not being able to form a court
of honour, from the scarcity of the principal ingredient, they have decided
that all future quarrels shall be adjusted by the Carrara Water, in a gallery
suited for the purpose. And, moreover, that the Carrara Monument Com-
pany, shall erect a tablet, to perpetuate the social death of all who may be
worsted in the meeting: anybody being corked, to be ranked, like claret in
the same state, as worthless.


L1846.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


ANOTHER RAILWAY NEWSPAPER.
THE RAILWAY BELLE ASSEMBLEE.
EVERY one who has observed the mass of railway papers that have shot
up during the past half year, must have been astonished that none, devoted
to Fashionable Railway Intelligence and Literature, have yet appeared,
appealing more especially to those who have souls above the share-market.
We have the pleasure of announcing the immediate appearance of such a
periodical. We are aware that, at present, all sympathies, interests, and
affections, social and general, are absorbed by the mnilways; but the Rail-
way Belle Assemblee," whilst it never loses sight of the mighty spirit of
the age, will contain such literature alone, as the member of the beau monde
seeks for in vain, at present, in the bewildering and endless lines of adver-
tisements, and the single and double supplements of the daily and weekly
press.
The arrangement of amusements, &c., mnay be looked for asfollows:-A
grand race is about to take place upon the Great Western, from Paddington
to Slough, between the ten o'clock down train and a shower of rain. In
the event of fine weather, the meeting will be postponed until the next
day.
A ddjedner a la fingers is about to be given at the Wolverton station,
whilst the train stops, next Saturday. The pretty young lady with the dark
eyes, who makes the coffee so hot that the passengers cannot drink it, has con-
descended to preside. The visitors will arrive exactly ten minutes before
they depart. A band will accompany the passengers the whole distance-
round the hats of the guards; and a pyrotechnical display will take place off
the Birmingham terminus, when the engine fires are raked out for the night.
On Wednesday next, an interesting soirde of men of letters will be held,
at eight o'clock, with the Post-office bags, at all the different termini. The
clerk at the Kingston station is expected to get the sack five-and-twenty
minutes after, but it will not reflect any discredit on him.
Eastern Counties ailwoay.-An interesting lecture on steam, and the
properties of the engine, was given by the engineer of the Blazes," locomo-
tive, on Tuesday, to the new stoker, on the tender. The proceedings con-
cluded with a private dinner of two polonies, a small loaf, and pot of half-and-
half.
InPORTANT.-By a recent Act of Parliament every director is liable to be
called upon to ride in front of the train, whenever it is necessary, as a buffer.
As a great part of them are men of straw, the fitness of these buffers for the
purpose is unquestionable, in addition to the chaff which they have always at
command.

ABOLITION OF DUELLING.
The members of the various Clubs have come to the determination to put
down this atrocious custom. In the event of not being able to form a court
of honour, from the scarcity of the principal ingredient, they have decided
that all future quarrels shall be adjusted by the Carrara Water, in a gallery
suited for the purpose. And, moreover, that the Carrara Monument Com-
pany, shall erect a tablet, to perpetuate the social death of all who may be
worsted in the meeting: anybody being corked, to be ranked, like claret in
the same state, as worthless.


L1846.










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AQUARIUS Jolly Young Watermen








1846.]


THE ZODIAC.-JANUARY.
AQUARIUS.--THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN.
OUT DOOR INSTRUCTION.
THE common water-plug offers a capital medium for illustrating the lead-
ing principles in hydrostatics and hydraulics. When opened, the effort of
water to find its own level may be turned to account, in diverting and in-
structive methods by the young professors of the neighbourhood in the
absence of the police, who are, generally speaking, inimical to science. To
produce a jet, the water must either conic up or come down. In the case
of a fire-plug, ir comes down from the New River; and if the rates are not
paid, the company come down as well upon the delinquentsfor the money,
until the latter come down with it. In the Trafalgar fountains, it comes up
to the surface, but not at all to the expectations. In either case the force is
the same. This increases, in an inverse ratio, to the opposition offered;
and by compressing it at the orifice, it may be thrown in any direction by a
little judicious management of the sole of the foot. In this manner, benevo-
lent boys may frequently be seen distributing water gratuitously to the passing
pilgrims.

THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN JANUARY.
RECOLLECT, if you slip down in the street this month not to evince any pain,
but rather laugh: get up smiling, and walk away with a joyous air.
Do not try rashly to cut the outside edge on the Serpentine, but practise
by yourself, at midnight, with a full moon, on secluded Hampstead ponds,
until you are perfect; because, it usually happens, that the instant you wish
to show off before some young ladies you know, your heels will go higher
than your head, and you will look contemptible.
That family parties at this time of the year are not those wonderfully lively
things they are conventionally supposed to be: the presence of a few lively
acquaintances being indispensable to make them go off well. Relatives don't
care to exert themselves to be entertaining before one another; or if they do,
all the rest know what is coming.

THE GIPSY'S PROPHECY.
"BELLE of Norwood! dark-eyed gipsy, come, and let me cross thy hand,
Give me knowledge of the future, if it be at thy command:
Full one thousand shares in railways, I have been let in to take;
Tell me, swarthy star of Beulah, when will they my fortune make ?"
"List, my pretty gentleman, with piece of silver cross my hand,
I will tell you when your shares will bring you money, beeves, and land-
When the figures for the base of Nelson's column shall be made,
And the throng of population chokes the Exeter Arcade.
When the leading streets of London are not closed, and altogether;
And the lamps of Vauxhall Gardens are not put out by wet weather.
When the Byron of Thorwaldsen in the Abbey takes its place;
And the Turf shall be surprised by something like an honest race.








THE COMIC ALMANACK.


When the Income Tax is talked of, as a legend of the past;
And St. Paul's is seen for nothing, gratis, unto all, at last.
When the hostess at a party says, You must not go away,'
All the time hopes entertaining that you will no longer stay.
When all these things come to pass, in honour bright, and no mistake,
Then, my pretty gentleman, the railways will your fortune make."





















DIVERS INTERESTING QUESTIONS FOR MY READERS
TO CONSIDER.
WHAT do you generally think-
1. When yon ask if any one is at home, and the servant tells you he don't
know, but will go and see; asking your name: and then comes back and
answers in the negative ?
2. When a man at an evening party says he does not waltz, because his
head won't stand it ? "
3. When you find a broken dish behind the dresser, and the cook says, the
cat did it?"
4. When a friend presses you t6 come and see him very soon-any day-
he always dines at five ;" but won't state a time ?
5. When a married couple are more than usually affectionate, and use en-
dearing terms, in public ?
6. When a lady, holding out her glass for some wine at a supper, says,
" Oh, really; the least drop in the world, Mr. Smith: stop, stop?"
7. When the clown, a sweep, and a milk-pail, are all on the stage together,
in a pantomime ?
8. When, at a small country party, the lemonade and negus get gradually
weaker towards the end of the evening ?
9. When you see a gentleman vandyking between the area railings and the
lamp-post, addressing vague words to imaginary people ?


[1846.


























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PISCES Too deep!








94 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1846.
of being tricked in return; whilst the shaft rankles the more,
because it is not known who has sent it.
Do not accept an invitation to Hampshire for wild-duck shooting,
unless you wish to catch a rheumatism that will last you for life.
This sport consists in sitting all night up to the knees in mud,
half frozen, armed with a long gun, which your fingers are too
cold to let off. This, however, is your only chance of safety, as, if
it did go off, the recoil would knock you backwards, and you would
never get up again.
In early times the greater part of the month was dedicated to the
Saxon god, Thaw.



FIRE ESCAPES.

THE frequency of accidents from fire renders some certain
method of escape desirable. The following have received medals:-
S The first is founded on those
ingenious machines we find in
the Dutch toy-boxes, for causing
soldiers, ducks, sheep, and even
tea things, to march, deploy, and
fall into lines, in the most
orderly manner. One of these
will be kept at the corner of
every street, and,
% uy by the aid of four
policemen,will always iy
raise the preserver, or
lower the preserved,
in this manner.
The next is simply by a
parachute, formed of canvas,
which may be folded up,
and kept in the window-seat. l
Should there be any wind, the --
Sinmates will be carried to the --
end of the street, and perhaps -
further, which is of course, an
.. ,'ut.a,-e An ingenious ar-
a chitect recommends that the
ceiling of every room should
be a shower-bath on a large
scale, always charged. This
is practicable, but in the event of the bath going off when
there was no fire, the results would be very inconvenient.










THE ZODIAC.-FEBRUARY.

PISCES.-THE FISHES.

THE SOXG OF THE UNSUCCESSFUL ANGLER.

I cANNOT tell the reason,-it is really very odd,-
My tackle is first-rate, and I've a most expensive rod,
Bought at the Golden Perch, the shop that's always selling off;
And yet, with all my outlay, I've got nothing but a cough.

I think the fish are altered since old Walton wrote his book;
They shun the simple gentle, and suspect it with a hook."
I think I mayn't be deep enough: in vain I move the quill,
For fish as deeply as I choose, the fish are deeper still.

No pike I've seen; the only one was that unpleasant wicket,
Where threepence I was forced to pay, and now I've lost the ticket;
Nor yet a single perch, for which my lucky stars to thank,
Except the perch I've taken on this damp, rheumatic bank.

I can't pick up a chub, thought on the lock all day I stick;
They say it is impossible a lock of Chub to pick:
A flounder would be welcome; but unfeeling wags remark,
I shall get lots of them to-night returning in the dark.

Upon that bobbing quill, all day I have done nought but gloat,
Till I've almost become one; as the song says, I'm afloat!
Come soles, brill, flounders, fresh or salt; however flat ye be,
Be sure you will not fail to find a greater flat in me.




THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN FEBRUARY.
BuY a bottle of reviver to renovate your coat and trousers for
forthcoming parties. Rout up old kid gloves, and send them to be
cleaned.
That, on the 14th, if there is any one you wish to insult, it can be
done cheaply and anonymously by a valentine, without the chance







1846.]


BALLAD:

THE LiY OF THE BLIGHTED POTATO.
AI-" I HAD A FLOWER WITHIN MY GARDEN GROWING."

I SAW a murphy in a garden growing}
I boldly prigged it-nobody was there;-
Rich in all charms familiar to the knowing;
Of size unrivalled, and of kidney rare.
At ev'ning hour I put it in my cellar,
Where never murphy had been put before:
I thought myself a very downy fellow;
I smiled upon it, and I shut the door.

Next day I took the murphy out to peel it,
Casting the peeling carelessly away ;
When-horrid fact! I shudder to reveal it!-
I found it blighted-hastening to decay.
Vainly I strove the wholesome parts to cherish;
But nought remained of what is now so dear:-
Only with life shall the remembrance perish,
How bad potatoes have turned out this year !







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE RIVER.
BY COVENTRY PATOBRE.
IT is a venerable pier,
Though anything but sound;
So old, the Rainbow shatters it,
To Hungerford when bound;
And over all the mud expanse
A river runneth round.
Upon a rise, where pewter pots
And rows of benches tall
Look pleasantly, the Swan" beneath,
Where concert singers squall,
Resteth, in quiet dignity,
A shrimp and winkle stall.
Around it, heads, and tails, and ends,
Are scattered left and right;
Above, its long Suspension Bridge,
For railways far too slight:
And faces through its railings gleam,
A taking of a sight.
Beyond the river, bounding all,
A crowd of chimneys stand,
The Shot-concern their central point,
As sooty as a band
Of sweeps around their May-day Jack
Extended hand in hand.
The verdant Greenwich boat is come,
The touter's lungs are strong;
The comet bloweth lustily,
The "gents" indulge in song;
And running down, the river flows
Like black pea-soup along.


NEW LINES OF RAILWAY,
IN CONTEMPLATION FOR 1846.
Capel Court and Queen's Bench Extension, with a branch to
Whitecross Street.
Somerset House and Andover Direct Junction.
Central African.
Herne Bay and Hanwell.
Liverpool and New York Suspension.
Golden Square and Michaelmas Day Junction.


[T846.



























ARIES Ram-pant jollities.


I

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x846.] 97

THE ZODIAC-MARCH.
ARIES.-THE RAM (IN SMITHIELD).
SONNET TO THE RAM INN.
SHRINE of the sainted Bartlemy! whose fte
Was kept up in thy sanctum all the night,
When for the booths the hours got too late,
And stern policemen snuffed out every light
From hoop of dips, or lamp balloon so bright,
Leaving nought else to snuff but morning air;
Fair temple! once a scene too gay to last,
In every sense the focus of the fair!-
But now thy glories all away have past!
No more thy fiddlers country dances play
(Polkas, thank goodness, were not known); no more
Thy earnest votaries danced in wild array-
Until they sent their feet right through the floor.;-
No-all have gone! the blight has seized thy hops!
Unwieldy brutes block up thy very door!
Sheep, laden with long loins of mutton-chops,
And living steaks and sirloins by the score,
Hereafter sent to Dick's," the Cheshire Cheese,"
The "Rainbow," and a hundred taverns more,
Where waiters, frantic, ceaselessly do roar,
"Cook, single mutton,"-" Small steak, underdone!"
Or, "Chops to follow, with eschalot for one !"-
Oh, Ram! my pen can't paint such scenes as these,
The pens of Smithfield only should attest thy fun.

THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN MARCH.
LADY-DAY is the 25th. If you mean to change your residence about
that time, bespeak a van in time, large enough to carry off every-
thing at once without coming back again. But as March is a
month in which the wind is generally very easily raised, hope for
the best.
That Parliament gets into full swing this month; therefore, give
up all notion of seeing a newspaper in a coffee-room under an hour
after the sixth gentleman has applied for it.,
The world of fashion is beginning to awaken. Change from the
chrysalis state of the twelve- shilling tweed to the butterfly transition
6f the guinea paletot. Highlows are, however, still to be met with
on wet evenings, in damp situations. The gossamer sometimes
takes flight this month to distant regions, therefore procure a piece
of string..
Should you be unfortunately incarcerated for debts exceeding
20, Nicol's registered paletot will be the most suitable wear, as
the advertisements say, that wearing it insures a general sense of
freedom.







98 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1846.















THE STAG

A NEW READeDG FROM "AS TOU IKE IT."

ScENE.-The Alley. Present, Two DIRECTORS.
1st Dir. Come, shall we take a look at Capel Court P
And yet I'm sorry, when I see the stags,
To think how we, being as bad ourselves,
Do call them rogues and knaves.
2nd Dir. Indeed, my friend,
The many-sided Brougham doth grieve at that,
And in that point swears we are more to blame
Than are the rascals that have gammoned us.
To-day, another genl'man and myself
Did sit beside him, as he took his lunch
In a steak-house, whose antique sign peeps out
Of a dark court, not far from the Exchange.
To the which place a poor sequestered stag,
That from a fall in shares had ta'en a hurt,
Did come to languish: and indeed, my friend,
The wretched animal heaved forth such groans,
That their discharge annoyed the diners round,
Almost to cursing; and the big, round tears
Coursed one another down his innocent nose
Into his stout; and thus the hapless stag,
Much marked of the many-sided Brougham,
Sat o'er the poor remains of a small steak,
Moistening his plate with tears.
lst Dir. But what said Brougham ?
Did he not moralize this spectacle ?
2nd Dir. Oh, yes! into a thousand similes.
First, for his weeping in his needless stout;
"Poor stag," quoth he, thou makes half-an-half







THE TRADE WIND GENERATOR.


As tapsters do, putting more water in
To that which had too much." Then, being alone,
Cleaned out, forsaken by his moneyed friends,
"'Tis right," quoth he, I foresaw what would come
Of joint-stock companies."-Anon, a lot,
Who'd sold in time, sat down hard by to dine,
And ne'er asked him to join 'em. "Ay," quoth Brougham,
Dine on, ye fat and greasy citizens;
Had all their rights, you'd be in the same book
As that decayed and broken bankrupt there."
Thus most invectively he pierceth thro'
The Stock Exchange, the City, Capel Court.
Yea, and Directors; swearing that we, too,
Are men of straw, humbugs, and something worse,
To fall foul of the stags, and drive them out
Of their assigned and native dwelling-place.



TO FIND OUT WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS.

Go into Trafalgar Square, on a breezy day, without a mackintosh
or umbrella. Then stand under St. Martin's cab-stand when the
fountains are playing. If you get wet through immediately, the
wind is due W.; if it takes a little time to do so, it is N.W., or
S.W.; but if you remain quite dry, it is N., S., or E., which can only
be ascertained by standing respectively at the foot of the column,
under the terrace, or before the club. It hath rarely been known to
fail.


THE TRADE WIND GENERATOR.
A VERY civil engineer, residing in Liverpool, has favoured us with
his plan for raising whatever winds may be necessary to ships, for
the purpose of commerce. His idea is, to fix a colossal pair of
double-action bellows, worked by steam power, at the stern of every
ship, which, being put in action, will blow directly on the sails, and
propel the vessel in any given direction. This entirely precludes
the chance of a ship ever becoming becalmed. He candidly tells us
that he cannot claim the entire credit of the invention; and he can
remember the late Mr, Joseph Grimaldi working something to the
same effect in a pantomime, when he was a child; but the boat
being made in this instance of a washing-tub, and rigged with a
mop stolen for that purpose from an itinerant vendor, no clear
notion could be formed of its power.







THE TRADE WIND GENERATOR.


As tapsters do, putting more water in
To that which had too much." Then, being alone,
Cleaned out, forsaken by his moneyed friends,
"'Tis right," quoth he, I foresaw what would come
Of joint-stock companies."-Anon, a lot,
Who'd sold in time, sat down hard by to dine,
And ne'er asked him to join 'em. "Ay," quoth Brougham,
Dine on, ye fat and greasy citizens;
Had all their rights, you'd be in the same book
As that decayed and broken bankrupt there."
Thus most invectively he pierceth thro'
The Stock Exchange, the City, Capel Court.
Yea, and Directors; swearing that we, too,
Are men of straw, humbugs, and something worse,
To fall foul of the stags, and drive them out
Of their assigned and native dwelling-place.



TO FIND OUT WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS.

Go into Trafalgar Square, on a breezy day, without a mackintosh
or umbrella. Then stand under St. Martin's cab-stand when the
fountains are playing. If you get wet through immediately, the
wind is due W.; if it takes a little time to do so, it is N.W., or
S.W.; but if you remain quite dry, it is N., S., or E., which can only
be ascertained by standing respectively at the foot of the column,
under the terrace, or before the club. It hath rarely been known to
fail.


THE TRADE WIND GENERATOR.
A VERY civil engineer, residing in Liverpool, has favoured us with
his plan for raising whatever winds may be necessary to ships, for
the purpose of commerce. His idea is, to fix a colossal pair of
double-action bellows, worked by steam power, at the stern of every
ship, which, being put in action, will blow directly on the sails, and
propel the vessel in any given direction. This entirely precludes
the chance of a ship ever becoming becalmed. He candidly tells us
that he cannot claim the entire credit of the invention; and he can
remember the late Mr, Joseph Grimaldi working something to the
same effect in a pantomime, when he was a child; but the boat
being made in this instance of a washing-tub, and rigged with a
mop stolen for that purpose from an itinerant vendor, no clear
notion could be formed of its power.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE ZODIAC-APRIL.
BULL IN THE PRINTING OFFICE.
-BY W. WORDSWORTH, POET LAUREATE.
OH! Bull, strong labourer, much enduring beast,
That with broad back, and sinewy shoulder strung,
Draggest the heavy wain of taxes, flung
In growing heap, from thy poor brethren fleeced.

Hadst thou a literary sense of shame,
How wouldst thou crush, and toss, and rend, and gore
The printing press, and hands that work therefore,
For the sad trash that issues from the same.
If they would print no other works than mine,
The task were nobler; but, alas, in vain,
Of audience few and unfit I complain,
Bull wont believe in Southey's verse and mine.

Arouse thee, John, involve in general
doom
All who bid Wordsworth rise for
SByron to make room.



THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND
IN APRIL.
S-E very cautious, on the 1st, of attending to
gratuitous advice given in the street, respect-
C ing your pocket-handkerchief, straps, or coat-
tails. Mistrust everything and everybody
until midnight, if you would escape being
laughed at.
The month of April is showery, therefore get an umbrella; but
remember, that whilst it is fine, a cottpn one at half-a-crown looks
as well in an oilskin case as a silk one at a guinea; and that when
it is wet, nobody cares what you have, never stopping to look.
That you must renew your acquaintance with all sorts of editors
to get orders to the Opera, and thus move in the great world at a
small outlay. N.B.-Gloves worn the evening before at a party
are sufficiently presentable in the pit.
Angling begins this month, and its professors become all hooks
and eyes. If you wish to kill time (and nothing else) sit in a
Chertsey or Hampton punt, and wait for barbel.


r1846.


100













Co MPoS Iros
ROo.


TAURUS._ A literary Bull.


V.B~L


* lCl











NOVEL CHESS PROBLEM.

NEITHER SIDE TO WIN IN ANY MOVES.


























PUNCH takes the Press, and checks the Albert Hat.
Albert Hat retires, and Punch checks the Queen.
Times' Thunderbolt checks Railway Engine, surrounded by Stags.
Church makes a move towards O'Connell.
Corn League retires one square.
Albert Hat mates the Crown.


MISCELLANEA CURIOSA.

SELECTED FROM THE MISCELLANIESS" OF J. AUBREY, ESQ., CONTAINED IN
THE ASHMOLEAN MUSEUM, AT OXFORD.

SHOES came into Englande with Henry the Fourth his wife, Joan of Na-
varre. Before that time the nobles did wear dried flat fish, cunningly tied
on with thongs of hide. And hence the name of soles as used to this day,
and by alle men.
In 1580, a shower of potatoes did fall in Lancashire, at which the hus-
bandmen were sorelie afraid. They were sayde to have been brought from
America in a whirlwind, and, being hitherto unknown, became directly
common.







[1846.


THE COMIC ALMANACK.


The Polka is a measure danced by salvage men and women in Hongrie.
Item.-Sir Francis Drake assures me he hath seen it kept up for twenty
minutes and more, until the salvages were like to drop; the reason whereof
is difficult to tell; but he takes it to be a religious ceremony, as the whirling
dervishes in the Indies doe practise.
Tobacco is a plant growing in China on inaccessible mountains, whence it
is plucked by people in balloons made of fish-skin, and preserved in red
leather bottles underground. Sir Walter Raleigh did use it first. Its vapour
inhaled is an admirable narcotic ; and one Master Aytoun, deprived of it, did,
in its stead, smoke strips of Blackwood's Magazine; but this well nigh cost
him his life.
The first drinking glasse used in Englande had no foote whereon to stand
(to encourage drinking), but fell always; and was hence called a tumbler.
A Bristow man, living at Castile, did learn the art of making soap, which
he set up here: and straightway upon this it became common to wash one's
self twice and thrice in the week. Nay, Mrs. Gregoire, the commissioner his
wife, did cleanse her hands, and eke her face each daie. Soe that it was soon
the rage; and people before they went to stay with such and such a one
would saie to him, How are you off for soape ?" meaning therebye that if
he had not good store, they would none of him; and soe went on their way
betymes.
I do remember when they did call cats Tomassins, which, being corrupted
to Tom, is still in use with the vulgar; but the etymologie thereof I could
never learn, save that the word came from Flanders. Item.-My good friend,
Mr. Marmy, assures me that he heard them shriek and cry like infants,
beneath his chambers; such as could only be frighted by tossing the fire-irons
and fender about their ears. But he verilie believes they were devils' imps
and familiars. Item.-Mr. Glanville gave him a charm to exorcise them,
which is as follows, writ on fayre parchment:-
"Tomassin, tomassine, alabra,
Parlak vak abracadabra."

The which being pronounced, they would frantically take to their heels and
scuffle off like mad, to return no more.
To preserve beer from being soured by thunder:-Summa, it is best to
drinke it all off before the' storm. They doe practise this in Kent with cer-
tainty, and other parts of England. This also on the authority of Mr. Glan-
ville.
Men in liquor have droll conceites. I knew such a one, being a justice of
the peace, who, when tipsie, would take off his peruke to salute the company
with obeisance, and then, putting it on a bottle, would sing a song that had
neither beginning nor end, but went merrilie on over again: the which he
wold never stop until carried awaie to bed. And yet he was well to doe, and
a clever man, but lacked prudence.
My Lord Saye his gardener tells me that during the late storm he did
track a flash of lightning through a gooseberrie bush, which marvel he had
often heard of, but never saw before.


A correspondent inquires, "Why is beer always excluded from the dinner-
parties of those who drink it every day when alone ?" We pause for a reply.































GEMINI Odd-fellows.


'we zm136AV.Y1Wm C.&-dr )'/-

i~Z S ej


1,.1


: ?A








1846.]


THE ZODIAC-MAY.

GEMINI.-THE TWINS.

THE new explanation which our artist has put forward, of the origin of the
term Gemini, so clearly tells its own story, that any further remarks upon
the subject from us are unnecessary. The situation of the twins, however,
suggests that we should make some allusion to the state of the Clowns of
England; on which subject we purpose bringing out a work in the same style
as the Wives, Mothers, Queens, and other female facts of the said favoured
country.
The progress of burlesques at the various theatres has done much to in-
jure pantomimes; and it is feared the race of Clowns will become extinct,
unless, in these days of educational enlightenment, some means are taken to
train up fresh ones as the old ones drop off. To this end, we mean to esta-
blish a school for infant Clowns, who will be taught practical jokes in classes;
and old ladies, shopkeepers, lodging-letters, and little boys, will be provided
for them to play off their tricks upon. Proper works will be provided for
them to study: and from one of the most elementary, not yet published, we
make the following extract ; premising that the Clown to a travelling circus
is the first step on the ladder of pantomimical perfection:-

CHAPTER FROM

THE MERRYMAN'S MANUAL;

OR, CLOWN'S HANDBOOK OF POPULAR HILARITY.

CHAP. II.-How TO COLLECT THE CROWD IN FRONT OF THE SHOW.

[N.B.- The Performers are to walk about as if they were noble Lords and
Ladies. The Manager, as a Venetian of high birth, with a whip in his hand,
and the Merryman, stand on the steps.]

Master of the Show. Now, Mr. Merryman, be so good as to tell the com-
pany-
Merryman. Yes, sir. (Counts his fingers.) Ten, twenty-eleven, four-
teen, two.
Master. 'What are you doing, sir?
Merryman. I'm telling them, sir.
Master. Nonsense, Mr. Merryman. I mean you are to tell them the
nature of the exhibition.
Merryman. That's capital good.
Master. What is capital good, Mr. Merryman ?
Merryman. Eggs and bacon.
Master. I did not say eggs and bacon, pir. I said, exhibition. Also, the
sports and pastimes-
Merryman. That's better still.
Master. What is better still, Mr. Merryman?
Merryman. Pork and parsnips.
Master. Sports and pastimes, sir (sternly).








1846.]


THE ZODIAC-MAY.

GEMINI.-THE TWINS.

THE new explanation which our artist has put forward, of the origin of the
term Gemini, so clearly tells its own story, that any further remarks upon
the subject from us are unnecessary. The situation of the twins, however,
suggests that we should make some allusion to the state of the Clowns of
England; on which subject we purpose bringing out a work in the same style
as the Wives, Mothers, Queens, and other female facts of the said favoured
country.
The progress of burlesques at the various theatres has done much to in-
jure pantomimes; and it is feared the race of Clowns will become extinct,
unless, in these days of educational enlightenment, some means are taken to
train up fresh ones as the old ones drop off. To this end, we mean to esta-
blish a school for infant Clowns, who will be taught practical jokes in classes;
and old ladies, shopkeepers, lodging-letters, and little boys, will be provided
for them to play off their tricks upon. Proper works will be provided for
them to study: and from one of the most elementary, not yet published, we
make the following extract ; premising that the Clown to a travelling circus
is the first step on the ladder of pantomimical perfection:-

CHAPTER FROM

THE MERRYMAN'S MANUAL;

OR, CLOWN'S HANDBOOK OF POPULAR HILARITY.

CHAP. II.-How TO COLLECT THE CROWD IN FRONT OF THE SHOW.

[N.B.- The Performers are to walk about as if they were noble Lords and
Ladies. The Manager, as a Venetian of high birth, with a whip in his hand,
and the Merryman, stand on the steps.]

Master of the Show. Now, Mr. Merryman, be so good as to tell the com-
pany-
Merryman. Yes, sir. (Counts his fingers.) Ten, twenty-eleven, four-
teen, two.
Master. 'What are you doing, sir?
Merryman. I'm telling them, sir.
Master. Nonsense, Mr. Merryman. I mean you are to tell them the
nature of the exhibition.
Merryman. That's capital good.
Master. What is capital good, Mr. Merryman ?
Merryman. Eggs and bacon.
Master. I did not say eggs and bacon, pir. I said, exhibition. Also, the
sports and pastimes-
Merryman. That's better still.
Master. What is better still, Mr. Merryman?
Merryman. Pork and parsnips.
Master. Sports and pastimes, sir (sternly).







104 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1846

Merryman. Now I've got it. Times and passports.
Master (whipping him). Take that, sir!
Merryman. Now keep still, can't you? You'll take all the whicksters off
my calves.
Master. Now, Mr. Merryman, inform the company the nature of the per-
formances as exhibited before all the-
Merryman. Exhibited before all the-
Master. Potentates in Europe.
Merryman. Potatoes in Europe. (Confidentially, to the crowd.) That's a lie.
Master (sharply). What did you say, sir?
Merryman. I said, they'd see it all by-and-by.
Master. Dancing on the tight and slack rope-
Merryman. Prancing on the slight and tack rope-
Master. With a variety of ground and lofty tumbling-
Merryman. With a variety of round and crafty grumbling-
Master. Remember the price. Halloo (Through a speaking trumpet.)
Threepence each is all we ask! Servants and working people twopence!
Merryman. Recollect: be in time. All in to begin! Threepence each
is all we ask; but we'll take as much more as you like to give us. All in
there! all in! [Exeunt company, to re-appear in one minute.
This will give a fair notion of the value of the work. In addition to a
series of such helps to education, phrases, to be committed to memory, will
be hung round the room. These will be principally for the pantomimists,
and will consist of sentences like the following :-" Here we are again i how
are you ?" "Now, don't be a fool!" "Here's somebody coming !" "I saw
him do it, sir!" with other similar ones.
The co-operation of all friendly to the interests of the Clowns is earnestly
requested to promote the welfare of this institution.


THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN MAY.
THAT there is an ancient quaint rhyme, as follows-the old almanacks
having a wrong version:-
"In April,
Grisi opes her bill;
In May,
To hear her you pay;
In June,
She's in full tune;
In July,
Her benefit is nigh;
In August,
Take a stall you must."
That the only Poles now found in May, about London, are the distressed
patriots in the cheap eating-houses and copper hells in the neighbourhood of
Leicester Square. The sport is not extinct, as little boys may still be seen
dancing round the more eccentric specimens of the class. The only reason
that these poles have not fallen down, like those in the country, is, that they
are supposed to be very hard up.
That although the almanacks declare that perch, ruff, bream, gudgeon,
flounders, dace, minnows, trout, and eels may be taken this month, this, to
say the least of it, requires confirmation. We have tried often, but never
took anything, except taking ourselves off after a fruitless time.


































The country here is swarmin' with the most alalrmin' kind o' varmin








1846.]


THE ZODIAC-JUNE.

THE LAND-CRAB.

[Extract from a forthcoming Novel, by the Author of The Spy,"
The Pilot," T2w Bed Rover," &c. &c. &c. &e.]

"IT was too late. Their fearful enemy, that scourge so dreaded by the
negro race of the Southern States, the terrible Land-Crab, was upon them.
Copper Joe, never remarkable for heroism, lost the small remains of presence
of mind which the encounter with the Comanches had left him, and, in attempt-
ing to fly, fell prostrate, injuring his abdomen severely. Andromache, with
her youthful charge, after a vain effort to rouse her fat husband, Noah, to
resistance, joined in the general rout. But the heroic Sambo stood his
ground. His eyes glared, his white teeth shone from ear to ear, as, with
right foot firmly planted in advance, he stood a sable Antinous, awaiting, with
uplifted club, two onsets of the terrible enemy. It was a dreadful moment !"



THE QUEEN OF THE FETE:
BY ALFRED TENNYSON.
I.-THE DAY BEFORE.

[To be read with liveliness.]
Iv you're waking, call me early, mother, fine, or wet, or bleak;
To-morrow is the happiest day of all the Ascot week;
It is the Chiswick fete, mother, of flowers and people gay,
And I'll be queen, if I may, mother, I'll be queen, if I may.

There's many a bright barge, they say, but none so bright as mine,
And whiter gloves, that have been cleaned, and smell of turpentine;
But none so nice as mine, I know, and so they all will say;
And I'll be queen, if I may. mother; I'll be queen, if I may.

I sleep so sound all night, mother, that I shall never wake,
If you do not shout at my bedside, and give me a good shake;
For I have got those gloves to trim with blonde and ribbons gay,
And I'm to be queen, if I may, mother; I'm to be queen, if I may.

As I came home to-day, mother, whom think you I should meet,
But Harry-looking at a cab, upset in Oxford-street;
He thought of when we met, to learn the Polka of Miss Rae-
But I'll be queen, if I may, mother ; I'll be queen, if I may.








36 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1846.

They say he wears moustachios, that my chosen he may be;
They say he's left off raking, mother-what is that to me ?
I shall meet all the Fusiliers upon the Chiswick day;
And I will be queen, if I may, mother; I will be queen, if I may.

The night cabs come and go, mother, with panes of mended glass,
And all the things about us seem to clatter as they pass;
The roads are dry and dusty; it will be a fine, fine day,
and I'm to be queen, if I may, mother; I'm to be queen, if I may.

The weather-glass hung in the hall has turned to "fair" from "showers,"
The sea-weed crackles and feels dry, that's hanging 'midst the flowers,
Vauxhall, too, is not open, so 'twill be a fine, fine day;
And I will be queen, if I may, mother; I will be queen, if I may.

So call me, if you're waking; call me, mother, from my rest-
The Middle Horticultural is sure to be the best.
Of all the three this one will be the brightest, happiest day;
And I will be queen, if I may, mother; I will be queen, if I may.

II.-THE DAY AFTER.
[Slow, and with sad expression.]
If you're waking, call me early; call me early, mother dear;
The soaking rain of yesterday has spoilt my dress, I fear;
I've caught a shocking cold, mamma, so make a cup for me,
Of what sly folks call, blackthorn, and facetious grocers, tea.

I started forth in floss and flowers to have a pleasant day,
When all at once down came the wet, and hurried all away;
And now there's not a flower but is washed out by the rain:
I wonder if the colours, mother, will come round again.

I have been wild and wayward, but I am not wayward now,
I think of my allowance, and I'm sure I don't know how
1 shall make both ends meet. Papa will be so very wild;
He says already, mother, I'm his most expensive child.

Just say to Harry a kind word, and tell him not to fret;
Perhaps I was cross, but then he knows it was so very wet;
Had it been fine-I cannot tell-he might have had my arm;
But the bad weather ruined all, and spoilt my toilet's charm.

I'll wear the dress again, mother; I do not care a pin,-
Or, perhaps, 'twill do for Effie, but it must be taken in;
But do not let her see it yet-she's net so very green,
And will not take it until washed and ironed it has been.

So, if you're waking, call me, when the day begins to dawn;
I dread to look at my barege-it must be so forlorn;
We'll put it in the rough-dried box: it may come out next year;
So, if you're waking, call me, call me early, mother dear.







I040.J 107


"OUGHT OLIVER CROMWELL TO HAVE A STATUE ?"

THIS dispute maybe easily settled as follows:-In the Great Hall of the Ducal
Palace, at Venice, are the portraits of all the Doges, except Marino Faliero,
whose place is occupied by a frame, enclosing a black curtain, inscribed,
"L ic locus est MIarini Faliero decapitati pro criminibus." In like manner,
in the new Houses of Parliament, we suggest that Cromwell's place should
be filled by an empty pedestal, on which might be written, Here Oliver
Cromwell would have been, had he deserved it." As the villains of one age
are generally the heroes of the next, in another hundred years the whole
nation may set up a statue to him unanimously, and then the place will be
ready.


THE FARCE ASSURANCE COMPANY.

PROFESSOR Bachhoffner, of the Royal Polytechnic Institution, has sub-
mitted a plan to the managers of the different theatres, whereby the ill-effects
resulting from the summary damnation of various farces may be avoided. He
proposes to erect a gasometer, contiguous to each theatre, to be filled, on the
first nights of comic dramas, with laughing gas, which, being distributed
through various ventilators, at the last bars of the overture, will keep the
audience in screams of cachinnation throughout the performance; so that the
papers can conscientiously speak of "peals of laughter," and hurricanes of
applause." By the same means, the talented Professor also proposes to turn
on carbofiic acid gas, diluted with atmospheric air, to depress the spirits, for
serious five-act legitimacy, and induce sleep.




THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN JUNE.

IF you go down to Ascot races on an old Norwich coach, at twenty shillings
a head, when you leave it and get on the course, say, a man you know (the
coachman) brought you down on his drag (the coach)." In going home be
careful to conceal yourself, that you may not be discovered jolly, pelting open
landaus with pin-cushions, or making a banner of your pocket-handkerchief
tied to a walking-stick. Do not go up to carriages whose inmates you know,
until the race is over: you will then get lunch, and will not be asked by the
girls to join a sweepstakes, which never pays.
If not in funds, hide at home, on the Derby day; and when you go out at
night declare you never saw a better race. The position of the horses may
be read for nothing on the pen-and-ink placard outside the Globe and Sun
offices.
The angler this month will find fish most abundant at Blackwall and Green-
wich. Almost all sorts may be readily taken with brown bread and butter.
That otter hunting is in season this month, as the almanacks gravely
assure us. When the thermometer stands at ninety in the shade, there can-
not well be "otter" hunting.







o08 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [[846.


THE ZODIAC-JULY.
LEO.-ANDROCLES.

A LAY OF ANCIENT HISTORY.

PART I.
'Tis of a foreign gentleman, Androcles was his name,
Who being somewhat seedy"-many others are the same-
Having no shares to stag, no scrip to get from a new line,
Walked off into a savage place, with Humphrey's duke to dine.
Chance brought him to a rocky cave, whence issued cries of woe;
A lion there was screaming, with a splinter in his toe:
He volunteered his services; the noble brute, not proud,
A surgical inspection of his tender foot allowed.
Androcles drew the splinter out; the lion joy expressed-
This ends the first part of my lay; Part II. contains the rest.

PART II.
There's tumult in the Forum, and the people onward press;
Androcles, now a criminal, is in a precious mess:
He's got to meet a lion, hungry, savage, and unchained;
And act Van Amburgh with a beast that never has been trained.
The Colosseum's rows are filled with citizens of mark-
Vespasian's amphitheatre, not the one in Regent's Park-
The tribunes and 1& ioXXot are all making up their books,
Or drawing for a lion sweep," with eager turfish looks.
The den is opened, horror reigns, no soul is heard to speak;
Androcles strikes an attitude, like Keller's Poses Plastiques;
When Nero, darting from his cage, no longer fierce and wild,
Takes up the doomed one in his arms as though he were a child;
And roars and dances gaily on his hind legs loud and long,
As we have seen the Nigger when he sings the Banjo song.
The criminal is innocent!-he need no longer stay;
And with the lion arm-in-arm he bows and walks away.-
And so long live Androcles, and the lion long live he;
And next time such a thing occurs, may we be there to see!





























































LEO Androclesand the Lion.










THE BOUQUET PROJECTOR, OR CERITO CATAPULT.
THE great difficulty experienced in throwing bouquets to popular
performers has long been the subject of complaint at the Opera
and other theatres. It is calculated that, in every twelve bon-
quets thrown at the stage, three fall in the stalls, four hit R,
the fiddles, two reach the proscenium (one of which tumbles
at the feet of somebody it was not intended for), and !
the rest fly into the pit-boxes, where they were
never meant to go, or break into pieces in the
air, showering down like floricultural rockets upon
the heads of the spectators. To remedy this in-
convenience the Cerito catapult has been in-
vented. It consists of a gun working with a ,
spring; and the nicest aim can be taken,
as it is screwed on to the front of the
box. N.B.-Double-barrelled machines
for a yas de deux; and bouquets pre-
pared, like grapeshot, to tumble into thirty =-- T
small ones, for danseuses Viennoises and h- n
Anglaises.

THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN JULY.
AT the beginning of the month tell your partners at evening
parties that you have not yet decided whether you shall
go to Wiesbaden, Naples, or the Tyrol for the autumn;
Sbut be careful towards the end to bespeak the humble
lodging at Gravesend or Margate.
Do not take a horse in the park that bears marks of
collar and crupper, because it looks like one you might
have hired at seven-and-sixpence for the afternoon's
ride.
A walk at the West-end should not now. be taken
except in evening dress, that people may think you are
going to a dinner or evening party. A reputation for fashion and fortune may
be cheaply purchased by walking under the colonnade, at half-past midnight,
in the same costume.
If you wish to escape from society and get yourself into condition, sponge
upon some friend who has moors in Scotland for a fortnight's deerstalking.
This sport consists in running with your back parallel to the horizon, and
your nose within two inches of the ground, against the wind, for several
hours. Do not ask where the deer are, as it will betray your inexperience:
everybody is supposed to know.







THE COMIC ALMANAC. [846.




















THE BOW-STREET GRANGE.
BY ALFRED TENNYSON.
WITH blackest mud, the locked-up sots
Were splashed and covered, one and all
And rusty nails, and callous knots,
Stuck from the bench against the wall.
The wooden bed felt hard and strange;
Lost was the key that oped the latch;
To light his pipe he had no match,
Within the Bow Street station's range.
He only said, It's very dreary;"
"Bail will not come," he said;
He said, "I have been very beery,
I would I were a-bed!"
The rain fell like a sluice that even;
His Clarence boots could not be dried,
But had been soaked since half-past seven-
To get them off in vain he tried.
After the smashing of his hat,
Just as the new police came by,
And took him into custody,
'He thought, I've been a precious flat,
He only said, The cell is dreary;"
Bail cometh not," he said;
He said, "I must be very beery,
I wish I was in bed !"
Upon the middle of the night,
Waking, he heard a stunning row;
Some jolly cocks sang out till light,
And would not keep still anyhow.








[846.] THE SCHOOL OF DESIGN. III
He wished to bribe, but had no change
Within his pockets, all forlorn,
And so he kept awake till morn
Within that lonely Bow Street grange.
He only said, The cell is dreary ;"
Bail cometh not," he said;
He said, "I must be very beery,
I'd rather be in bed!"
All night within that gloomy cell
The keys within the padlock creaked;
The tipsy 'gents' bawled out as well,
And in the dungeons yelled and shrieked.
Policeman slyly prowled about;
Their faces glimmered through the door,
But brought not, though he did implore,
One humble glass of cold without. .
He only said, The night is dreary;"
Bail cometh not," he said;
He said, "I have been very beery,
I would I were in bed !"
At morn, the noise of boys aloof,
Inspectors' orders, and the chaff
Of cads upon the busses' roof,
To Poplar bound, too much by half
Did prove; but most he loathed the hour
When Mr. Jardine chose to say
Five shillings he would have to pay,
Now he was in policeman's power.
Then said he, This is very dreary;"
"Bail will not come," he said;
He said, "I'll never more get beery,
SBut go straight home to bed !"


THE SCHOOL OF DESIGN.
IN chronicling the designs of this school for the past and forthcoming year,
we cannot fall in with the abuse lavished upon it by some of our contempo-
raries. We believe, from many others, that the following will be most likely
to interest our readers:-
A design for a new dance against next season, by the Terpsichorean pro-
fessors, to meet the depression in their trade, since everybody knew the Polka.
A design of the journalists of England to make the gentlemen of the bar
understand their proper position.
A design of the journalists of France to attribute their thrashing in Algeria
to the gold of perfide Albion."
A design of the Times newspaper to expose the railway swindles and
burst all the bubbles.
A design of certain medical students against the knockers and bell-pulls
near Guy's and St. Thomas's.
A design for a human oven, to enable savage aborigines to cook their
victims instead of eating them raw, by Colonel Pelissier; a laudable attempt
to exhibit the refinements of French colonization.








[846.] THE SCHOOL OF DESIGN. III
He wished to bribe, but had no change
Within his pockets, all forlorn,
And so he kept awake till morn
Within that lonely Bow Street grange.
He only said, The cell is dreary ;"
Bail cometh not," he said;
He said, "I must be very beery,
I'd rather be in bed!"
All night within that gloomy cell
The keys within the padlock creaked;
The tipsy 'gents' bawled out as well,
And in the dungeons yelled and shrieked.
Policeman slyly prowled about;
Their faces glimmered through the door,
But brought not, though he did implore,
One humble glass of cold without. .
He only said, The night is dreary;"
Bail cometh not," he said;
He said, "I have been very beery,
I would I were in bed !"
At morn, the noise of boys aloof,
Inspectors' orders, and the chaff
Of cads upon the busses' roof,
To Poplar bound, too much by half
Did prove; but most he loathed the hour
When Mr. Jardine chose to say
Five shillings he would have to pay,
Now he was in policeman's power.
Then said he, This is very dreary;"
"Bail will not come," he said;
He said, "I'll never more get beery,
SBut go straight home to bed !"


THE SCHOOL OF DESIGN.
IN chronicling the designs of this school for the past and forthcoming year,
we cannot fall in with the abuse lavished upon it by some of our contempo-
raries. We believe, from many others, that the following will be most likely
to interest our readers:-
A design for a new dance against next season, by the Terpsichorean pro-
fessors, to meet the depression in their trade, since everybody knew the Polka.
A design of the journalists of England to make the gentlemen of the bar
understand their proper position.
A design of the journalists of France to attribute their thrashing in Algeria
to the gold of perfide Albion."
A design of the Times newspaper to expose the railway swindles and
burst all the bubbles.
A design of certain medical students against the knockers and bell-pulls
near Guy's and St. Thomas's.
A design for a human oven, to enable savage aborigines to cook their
victims instead of eating them raw, by Colonel Pelissier; a laudable attempt
to exhibit the refinements of French colonization.







* 12 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [r846.

THE ZODIAC-AUGUST.
VIRGO.-THE OLD MAID.
[SCENE-A TEA TABLE.]
You like it weak, Miss Patience Crab,-the same, just as the last P
(As I was saying, all those Smiths are living much too fast.)
One lump of sugar more, my dear? Thank you, that's just the
thing;
(No income can support those trips to London every spring-)
Another crumpet, dear Miss Quince-nay, just one tiny bit ?
(The set the girls made at Sir John did not turn out a hit.)
Poor Carlo don't seem very well; I think he has caught cold-
(The eldest girl is passable, I own, but much too bold.)
The poor dear darling little dog is anything but strong.
(Depend upon it, we shall hear of something going wrong.)
Another cup, love ? Sugar ? Milk I hope you like your tea P
(I don't mean to insinuate-no matter-we shall see.)
Now let me recommend the cake; you'll find it very nice.
(I really hope that those poor Smiths will take some friend's advice.)
[Cats and dogs begin to fight-parrot screams-confusion.
The conversation is broken up.]


THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN AUGUST.
ABouT the 10th, look for falling stars-not various actors,
authors, and singers I could name, but shooting meteors. If they
do not appear, you must blame them, and not me.
Towards the 12th, tell all your friends how deuced disagreeable
it is to be tied by the leg from pressure of business, and not able to
accept an invitation to the Highlands, where a thousand acres of
grouse have been preserved on purpose for you.
About the end, buy a guinea shooting-jacket, and hang it about
your room. Also keep an old gun, to be cleaning whenever you
friends call.
By the way, if you should go to the North, avoid buying one of
those shooting-jackets said, in the advertisements, to resemble the
" bonnie heather," because your back, being seen in motion, may be
taken by an inexperienced friend for a bush with a bird in it, and
you will probably receive the contents of his double-barrel in the
neighbourhood of your lumbar vertebra.

















































VI Rod Unmatched enjoyment.


~_r__ ~1_C_~_~I_ __F___r_____ICCs___~~_ _____1~___










HISTORICAL MEMORANDA:
KINDLY FURNISHED TO THE EDITOR BY THE MEMBERS OF THE OLD
ORIGINAL "ARCHEOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION," RESPECTING
THE NEW HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT.
ACCORDING to Fitzwalker, a monk who wrote in the middle ages,
the first House of Commons was so called from having been the
only house in the centre of the commons, which formed the site of
the present city of Westminster. It was built by King Cole, from
a portion of the ruins of Thebes, whence the stones were brought
in that monarch's one-horse chaise to save expense; and as only
one could be carried at a time, the journeys backwards and forwards
took many years. Subsequently, a peculiar species of cake was
manufactured there for the king, termed parliament; and from the
officers of state being accustomed to eat this during their debates,
the senate took its name. This structure was burnt down in 1834,
by catching fire from the inflammatory speech of an Irish member;
and its rebuilding was entrusted to Mr. Barry, the celebrated clown
at Astley's. Much speculation has taken place as to whether the
lady of this clever pantomimist and architect is the one addressed
by Mr. Tennyson, in Locksley Hall," in the line-
"As the husband, so the wife is: thou art mated to a clown."
Mr. Barry celebrated the laying of the first stone by driving four
ducks on the Thames, from Battersea to Westminster, in a wash-
ing-tub,-being half of the identical butt in which the Earl of
Malmsey was drowned by the Duke of Clarence, afterwards
William IV., in the presence of Shakspeare, Hume, and
Macready.













The notorious Guy, Lord Vaux, celebrated for blowing up the
house, was captured in the vaults of the building. In trying to
escape he dislocated both his ankles,-as may be always seen in the
likenesses of him, carried about on the 5th of November, when the
feet are invariably hind-side before.







114 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1846.

The Speaker of the House of Commons is so called from never
opening his mouth. He has, however, to take in all the members
choose to spout, and therefore may be regarded as the Uncle of the
senate, King Alfred being the Father, or, according to others, Mr.
Byng. But this affinity does not constitute any degree of relation-
ship between Mr. Byng (or King Alfred) and the Speaker, any more
than Mr. Boyle's having been the father of chemistry, made his
brother, if he had one, chemistry's uncle.
The members of the House put M.P. after their names; which
are the initial letters of Mistaken Profession.



MARTYRS OF SCIENCE.
SIT is lamentable to think that so many of those whose discoveries
have tended to advance the general welfare of society ha7e fallen
victims either to their zeal n the pursuit, or the apathy of the
public. The following instances will sufficiently prove the fact:-

JAMES WATT,
Acting upon the Greek maxim, yvoe aeTavrov, devoted his whole
life to solving the mysterious problem of what's what P" Yet he
burst his boiler eventually, and, as he was accustomed with a
melancholy facetiousness to remark, was seldom able to fill his own
stuffing-box. He choked himself with a new roll, which was in
consequence termed a penny buster. His great bust was the work
of Chantrey. To him we owe the invention of the baked-tater can.
His hymns have been much admired.

NEWTON,
The great inventor of the solar system, was descendant of the Earl
of Orrery. He discovered the centrifugal force from watching the
scenes in the circle at Astley's. Whilst seated in his usual place in
the pit one night, he was hit on the head by an apple from the
gallery, supposed to have been aimed at Widdicombe, which led him
to the discovery of the gravity of the earth, though it destroyed that
of the house. Yet this great man was in his old age reduced to
keep an eating-house near Leicester Square, formerly called the
Hotel Newton, but now better known as Berthollini's.

DR. JENNER,
Whilst in the incipient stages of small-pox, was tossed by a cow,
which led him to the discovery of vaccination. Yet he was often
without the means of procuring aha'porth of milk; so that he was
wont to say, when in a merry mood, that although his discovery had








MARTYRS OF SCIENCE.


extirpated the confluent state, it had not left him in an affluent one.
Cowes was his favourite residence, where he diedin a state ofmono-
mania, fancying himself one of them.

HARVEY

Invented the circulation of the blood; yet he composed his Medi-
tations amongst the Tombs" with no other stimulus than a bottle
of his own sauce, during an excursion to Kensal Green. Ultimately,
coming to poverty, he took the situation of Hermit, at Vauxhall,
and lived upon pulse. His works are now only found at circulating
libraries.
PRIESTLEY,

Although he discovered the properties of air, had not sufficient
property of his own to raise the wind. He found out the com-
position of the atmosphere; but was unable to effect a composition
with his creditors. During the "No POPERY" riots his house was
torn down by the mob, who said they would have none of that air."
He afterwards travelled about the country with lucifer matches,
whence he has been erroneously termed a light porter. He died
ultimately from want of breath, ungratefully deserted by that
element which he had raised from obscurity, and left his discoveries
as an heirloom to the nation. He died in a Wynd in Edinburgh,
but his remains were afterwards removed to Ayr, where an humble
admirer afterwards inscribed this terse but touching epitaph upon
his tomb:- .
Here lies Priestley.
Whose treatment was beastly."

DAVY (Sm HUMPHREY),

Until he came of age, was originally a miner in the north of England,
where he invented the wonderful lamp, mentioned in the Arabian
Nights. Hence each miner, on entering the pit, is required to "take
his davy," or he will otherwise be blown up. He was very fond of
salmon-fishing, but was never known to catch any. Poverty having
depressed his spirits he took to laughing gas, and this, combining
with other gases which he was accustomed to swallow in large
quantities, produced spontaneous combustion, of which he died,
whilst at sea, and was there interred in his own locker. During
three days in the week he might be seen in the park, dining with
his noble godfather, the Duke Humphrey. Such was the fate of
one, of whom we may say, in the words of the poet:-
"Take him for all in all, he cannot fail,
To point a moral, and adorn a tale."
I 2


1846.]








16 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1846.

THE ZODIAC-SEPTEMBER.
LIBRA-THE WEIGHTS AND MEASURES.
FROM SPENSER'S "FAERIE QUEENE.''
nbh next inspectors rame, filQ boLis aronnbe,
anb porters jeabie laben bit f te spoale
Of rtapest skoppls," toerftin false torightfs bor founb,
i01 Bir bib ibte tapman's reputation soltr,
$s fgering obtat poor folk bib gain bg togli,
Balking ttrie little less, hi sin transfer
Of jerrie," pennie-pitcr, or Eire tople,
9z get a brauggt against Iet purbastr,
2nt neerr againstt bimstlf in sot ft l bib be arre.

THE JURY'S GUIDE TO FALSE WEIGHTS AND MEASURES.
BAKERs.-" Down again to 5d. !!" placarded on the window, ex-
presses a draught of an ounce against the purchaser. If a micro-
scopic is added in pencil, the loss will be greater.
GROCERS.-" The famous Four Shilling Tea !" stuck in a pyra-
mid of that article, means that a quarter of an ounce falls off in
every pound. Another quarter may be added for every note of
admiration.
GENERAL DEALERs.-" Look 1" in red letters, over the price of any-
thing per pound, intimates that you should do so, and very narrowly,
when the aforesaid pound is weighed.
CHEESEMONGERS.-" One trial will prove the fact !" is an unmis-
takeable evidence of short weight. At the same time, it can scarcely
be called a deception; as, if the affair is ever brought to the trial,
one is usually found to be sufficient to prove anything.
Note-That an armed warrior at Astley's, or Mr. Paul Bedford,
as the Dragon, at the Adelphi, cannot be taken up for using false
scales; but that all Members of Parliament may be called to account
for false measures.

A NEW application of the Wenham Lake Ice has been discovered.
By placing a small portion on the cruet-stand, chilly vinegar" can
be produced to any amount. The success of the Sherry Cobblers"
has induced the more refined West End Clubs to establish Madeira
Shoemakers" for their patrician habitues. The Wenham Lake Ice
is preserved in blankets. This, at first sight, appears remarkable
until we recollect the power of a "wet blanket" to throw a chill
over everything.











T&lAZSH3l r
,r [O41lg3~ ?
'.]4TOglMHVJ_4I


I< T-("its/
r-T~.tvu


LIBRA Striking the Balance..


!r~y ~norz urrrsJ uw
~L~i~r^rOYIP~- i~Ltlp~t
i--te k~S( ,I~r~1/










THE REVELATIONS OF LONDON.

MR. HamISON AINSWORTH is respectfully requested to reveal the
following real mysteries of London, before he concludes his romance,
if it is his intention to do so:-
What becomes of all the old cabs and coaches when they get
past work ?
Where waiters go to.when they have a holiday P
Who is the subscriber to the Metropolitan Magazine," and where
a number can be seen; or whether its existence is a fiction?
Where the money comes from which everybody, without an ex-
ception, is reported to have made on the railways ?
If the toll-keepers on Waterloo Bridge have any private friends ?
What direction of the compass Marylebone Lane runs in, and
where it begins and ends ?
When the gates of Leicester Square were last unlocked; and who
goes in, except the cats ?
What lobster sauce is made of at cheap eating-houses; and what
difference exists between the melted butter of the same places and
thin paste P
Why Piccadilly omnibuses always stop at the corner of Coventry
Street, and then go down a miserable narrow lane, instead of the
Haymarket ?
Why, when you go into a linendraper's to buy a pair of white
kids, you are asked, ten times out of eleven, whether you will not
have straw-coloured ?
Where the crowd of boys rise up from, to open the cab-door, or
seize your carpet-bag, the minute you get out of a railway omnibus,
none having been visible just before ?
What species of position is gained from drinking champagne with
the funny singers at a supper tavern, out of a tankard P
How tradesmen of vast minds contrive to put 25,000 muffs and
boas !" into a house not capable of accommodating fifty P







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


AN UNPUBLISHED POEM.

BY ROBERT BURNS.

"Lilt your Johnnie."

WI' patehit brose and ilka pen,
Nae bairns to clad the gleesome ken;
But chapmen billies, a' gude men,
And Doon sae bonnie!
Ne'er let the scornfu' mutchit ben;
But lilt your Johnnie!

For whistle binkie's unco' biel,
Wad haggis mak of ony chiel,
To4aup in luggies like the deil,
O'er loop or cronnie:
You wadna croop to sic a weel;
But lilt your Johnnie !

Sae let the pawkie carlin scraw,
And hoolie, wi' outlandish craw,
Kail weedies frae the ingle draw
As blyth as honie;
Amang the thummart dawlit wa'
To lilt your Jolmnie!



THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN SEPTEMBER.

Ir anyone sends you a brace of partridges, do not eat them your-
self, but tie one of your own cards to them, write on the back of it,
" shot this morning," and send them where you think the attention
will pay best. In that way you are much more certain to make a
hit than if you foolishly attempted to shoot them yourself.
If you are a member of parliament, get a pair," that you may be
off to your manor, this being now the custom. If you like stag-
hunting, you had better stay on a railway committee.
If you meet a friend, complain of being dull and the emptiness
of London: this looks as if your acquaintances were in the habit of
going out of town; the fact being, that no one you know leaves
London from one year's end to the other except your tailor.
If you are a barrister, you are expected to be on circuit at this
time; but as this is expensive when you have no brief, put a placard -
on your outer door, On the Northern Circuit," and live in a single
room at Manor Cottage, Kennington, or a similar locality.


F1846.













A^


.-


SC.ORPIO The Slanderer _"I could a tale unfold:







1846.] 119

THE ZODIAC-OCTOBER.
SCOBPIO--THE SLANDERER.
WELL, I really can't see how a laugh can be got
Out of slander, and scorpions, and lies, and what not;
If out of such subjects grow matter of mirth,
'Tis for gentry in black who live lower than earth.
And I know for my own part I've reason to grieve
That young women anonymous letters believe;
What a Scorpion was he who wrote my Mary Anne
That I was a very "irregular man!"
Oh! cruel George Cruikshank, how could you invent
Such a horrible picture with comic intent ?
I hope that if ever you've your Mary Anne,
You'll be called, as I was, an irregular man."


THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN
OCTOBER.
HAT if you are a sober man, according to the old song,
you may now prepare to fall as the leaves do," and
die thismonth.
SIf the settling for the Leger has prevented you
From settling your day-book, and you wish to commit suicide with-
out the discredit of felo-de-se, get invited to a battle. Place
yourself about the centre of the wood, and you will be tolerably
certain to be hit by something or somebody.
That theatres are said to open this month; but as nobody is ever
known to go to them, the only proof of this is the fact that they
are found open at a later time of the year.
The clubs become empty about this time, therefore it is a good
opportunity of asking any friend of uncouth or disreputable appear-
ance to dine with you, as he will only afford amusement to the
servants instead of the members, which is not likely to be so painful
to your feelings.
Freshmen go up to the Universities, and may be expected to
come down upon their governors with heavy bills. Medical
students walk the Hospitals, and run into debt.








120 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1846.











VIRTUOUS WIDo: JOE -,%AlrziD




















THE NEW MAGAZINE MACHINE.
Tis novel application of mechanism, to the purposes of
periodical publications, is the invention of an ingenious litterateur.
The hoppers above being fed with subject of all sorts, from Cri-
minal Trials" to Joe Millers," the handle is turned, and the
fountain-pens immediately begin to write articles upon everything.
The idea has been taken from the Eureka, but very much elaborated.
The demand for "Virtuous Indignation" is very great just now;
hence all blue-eyed, shoeless infants, taken up for stealing, street-
vagabonds, and rascally poachers (whose punishment it is the
fashion to call "the wrongs of the poor man"), will fetch good
prices, by applying to publishers generally.








121


TUBAL CAIN.

BY CHARLES MACKAY.

[To be sung by Mr. H. Bussell.]

OLD Tubal Cain was a cunning file,
In the days when men were green;
But not till night, when the gas burnt bright,
Was he ever to be seen.
And he fashioned reports for the daily press,
Of sudden deaths and fire;
But a penny a line by his industry
Was all be could acquire.
And he sang, Hurrah! for my handiwork;
Hurrah! for the street called Bow;
Hurrah for the tin that its office brings,
When pockets run rather low !"

But a sudden thought came into his head,
As he gazed on the Evening Sun;
And he thought, as its lists of new lines he read,
That a great deal might be done.
He saw that men whom nobody knew
Soon swallowed up every share;
And he said to himself, I will do so too,
And date my note 'Eaton Square!' "
And he sang, Hurrah for my handiwork;
As he posted it then and there;
Not for wealth and trade were the new lines made,'-
And he staged the first railway share!

And for many a night did Tubal Cain write,
In the tap of the Cheshire Cheese;"
And the penny stamp, with paste still damp,
Procured him his scrip with ease.
And he rose at last, with a cheerful face,
To seek his own house and grounds;
For he very soon made, by his capital trade,
Above twenty thousand pounds!
And he sang, Alas! how I ever could think
Of my newspaper work to brag;
The only use of a pen and ink
Is to bring all the scrip to the STAG !"










FIRST ANNUAL REPORT OF THE ASTLEY'S
ASSOCIATION
FOR THE DIFFUSION OF GENERAL INFORMATION.
THis meeting, first established by Professor Widdicombe, the father of the
Antiquarian Society, promises to become a most important institution.
Through the urbanity of the Professor, who has spent a very long life-in
fact, so long as to be almost fabulous-in collecting information on various
points not apparently properly understood, we have been favoured with the
" Report;" and from it we propose to make various extracts, premising, that
"The Bride of the Nile," "The Conquest of Amoy," The Battle of Hast-
ings," "The ditto of Waterloo," with other dramas, have furnished the
authorities.
THE WONDERS OF ANCIENT EGYPT.
The mysteries of Isis, amongst the ancient Egyptians, were more simple
than they are generally supposed to be; the sacred fires being trimmed with
tow and turpentine every evening, and not being perpetual, but lighted with
a lucifer, when wanted to juggle the multitude. The High Priests received
six shillings a week for keeping them in order; and when the ceremonies
were over, they frequently changed their costume and mingled with the
crowd, to assist the deception. Celibacy was not insisted on, as several were
married men, with families, residing in Lambeth.
Although in the chariot and gladiatorial contests of the Egyptians despe-
rate struggles took place, yet all animosity ceased when the fight was over.
iMany of them, as they prepared for the contest, shared the Memphian baked
potato, or the cold without, with much good-fellowship; and it was not
uncommon, after the fight, to see the victor tending the foe whom he had
forced to bite the dust until his mouth was full of it, and it required washing
down with beer.
THE WAR IN CHINA.
A little circumstance connected with the taking of Amoy was not men-
tioned in the despatches. After Sir Henry Pottinger had addressed the
troops they rushed away cheering, whilst he remained and made his horse
dance a hornpipe for five minutes to the band, although he was directly under
the ramparts. This is an unparalleled instance of coolness and self-possession
in a moment of danger.
EARLY WIT, ETC.
Jokes were common amongst the Normans. Before The Battle of Hast-
ings," when Harold's envoy came to know on what principle William invaded
Britain, William replied, Tell your master we will return his wrongs with
interest, and teach himprinciple." The barons did not laugh, probably from
etiquette; but this must have been a good joke in those days.
Harold was killed by an arrow, as is commonly believed. It was, how-
ever, a species of suicide, as he stuck it into his head himself, on the sly, not
choosing to trust to the archery of the soldiers. Considering the lightness of
the dress in which he went to battle it is a wonder he was not killed before.
His armour was simply rings of tin, tacked upon cotton velvet.
The story of the old chroniclers that Harold survived the battle, receives
some confirmation from the fact that half an hour after the contest he was
seen, muffled in a Tweed, asking the price of some sausages in the New Cut.
These were probably to subsist on in his retirement.
The Norman William celebrated his conquest by taking a pipe and a glass


[1846.


THE COMIC ALMANAC.


122








1846.] FIRST ANNUAL REPORT OF THE ASTLEY'S ASSOCIATION. 123

of grog, with one particular friend, at an hostelry adjoining the scene of
action, when it was all over.

TREACHERY AT WATERLOO.
According to the latest Astley authorities, dated last June, the Battle of
Waterloo occupied six minutes exactly. Several French soldiers walked
undisguisedly into the quarters of the English army before the fight com-
menced ; and some, at the extreme back of the scene, fought indiscriminately
on either side, as occasion required. But the gravest circumstance is, that
in the heat of the action the Duke of Wellington,
approaching Marshal Soult, said to him, Don't let your
fellows fire until mine have!" a course which must have
led them to destruction, had not General Widdicombe
roared, with a voice of thunder, What the devil are
you doing there, you stupid asses?"-which produced
the last grand charge. The story of the ball at
Brussels is an idle invention. The officers were at
no ball at all; except two, who had visited Mr. Baron
Nathan's assembly at Kensington but a little time
previously: and as to their being taken by surprise,
they knew for weeks what was coming, even to the very
hour and minute of the attack, and the precise manner
in which it would be made. The following beautiful
lines are but little known, and well deserve a place in this report.
They are the production of Lord Byron, and were written at the request of
the late Andrew Ducrow, Esq., describing the scene immediately before the
commencement of the battle.
"There was a sound of revelry by night;
And Astley's manager had gathered then
His supers and his cavalry; and bright
The gas blazed o'er tall women and loud men.
The audience waited happily; and when
The orchestra broke forth with brazen swell,
Apples were sold for most extensive gain;
And ginger beer popped merrily as well!-
But hush! hark! what's that noise, just like our parlour-bell ?
"Did ye not hear it ?-No, sir !-Neyer mind;
P'raps 'twas the Atlas bus to Oxford Street.
Strike up, you fiddlers!-Now, young feller, mind!
Don't scrouge, or you shall go where police meet,
To chase the knowing thieves with flying feet!-
But hark! that sound is heard again-once more!
And boys, with whistle shrill, its note repeat;
And nearer, clearer, queerer than before!-
Hats off !-It is, it is-the bell from prompter's door!
"Ah! then was hurry-skurry, to and fro ;
And authors' oaths, and symptoms of a mess;
And men as soldiers, who, two nights ago,
Went round the circus in a Chinese dress!
And there were rapid paintings, such as press
On those who ply the arts, with choking size,
Which ne'er might be completed! Who could guess
How all would look before the public eyes,
When on that Street in Brussels' the act drop would rise!"







124 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [L846.


STANZAS SUGGESTED BY A VIEW OF
ROSHERVILLE.

BY A BANK CLERK.

On, Rosherville! thou bringest all good things
Home to the Gravesend beaux and city "gents:"
A dinner for a shilling, rifles, swings,
Baronial halls, arbours, and canvas tents !
Where comic gentleman, or lady, sings,
And Baron Nathan some fresh dance invents;*
Or brave toxophilites the longbow draw,
And strive to hit the Albert Tell of straw.f

Sweet Eden! which for fivepence we may gain,
Or there and back for ninepence by the Star;
Upon whose deck, released from sacks and grain,
Mark Lane Lotharios smoke the light cigar:
Stock Exchange Stags, and clerks from Mincing Lane,
Who prate of "consols," shares," and scrip," and par,"
Crowding towards the gangway, as they near
The Thames-washed steps of Rosherville's fair pier.

Enchanted chalk-pit! from thy lonely tower
Signor Gellini,+ amidst flames of fire,
Glides on the single rope, by magic power,
When Chiarini Cocoa-nuts retire ;
'And as it darker grows, in every bower
Soft whispered nothings-tales of love, transpire-
All this for sixpence! Can such misers be!
Who'd grudge that sum, sweet Rosherville, to thee P

Yes, Gravesend! to thy shrimps my memory clings,
And to that loved one-would I could forget her!-
Who tied in double knots my heart's young strings;
Dating from Parrock Street each scented letter,


Nathan, Lord Rosherville, and Baron of Kennington, has been immortalized
in Punch. His Terpsichorean ingenuity is remarkable. Perhaps his "Polka
Hornpipe, in chain armour and handcuffs," is his most remarkable dance.
The Albert Tell of straw."-This work of art is an appropriate mark for
the archers to shoot at. It is a species of cross-breed between Guy Fawkes
and a bee-hive.
$ "Signor Gellini, amidst," &c.- This accomplished foreigner, amongst
other acquirements, speaks English equal to any native.
When Chiarini Cocoa-nuts," &c.-The Chiarini family are a race of ani-
mated castanets; and their evident self-satisfaction at this cocoa dance has
originated the saying of being "nuts on anything.






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SAGITTARIUS The Archer (Not"Venus' Son divine")








1846.] THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN NOVEMBER. 125

But flew from me, one day, on fancy's wings,
All for another gent as she loved better;
And left me lonely, in a dark dilemma,
On Windmill Hill, to warble Faithless Emma."*
But as, in La Sonnambula, the man
In love sings, Still so gently o'er me stealing,"
Although I combat with it all I can,
I find that memory will bring back the feeling."
But love, at any time, lasts but a span;
And so, in spite of all my grief revealing,"
I will revisit Rosherville's domain,
And drown in tea with cresses"t all my pain.


THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN NOVEMBER.
WHEN you come back to town do not say to what precise part of
the Continent you have been, or you may be found out; "A Walk-
ing Tour in Norway" is, however, tolerably safe; and the principal
objects may be read up from Murray's Handbook." If you were
seen at the aforesaid Margate, or Gravesend (as the case may be),
say you were obliged to go one day to the horrid place, to see a fellow
who had sold you a horse.
That if you are in debt, the heavy fogs will allow you to walk past
the doors of your principal creditors, which will open several new
promenades to you.
If you wish to pass for a fox-hunter, take a day ticket on the
Birmmingham rail, in the second-class carriages, in pink and leathers.
Everybody will then suppose you have a horse in a box behind-an
impression of which you are not bound to disabuse them. This is
what in melodramas is called "joining the hunting train."
That scarlet-runners may now be planted in ditches, and trained
along ploughed fields in their stirrups.


THE TRAFALGAR FOUNTAINS.
THESE popular ornaments, whose capabilities for jokes have nearly been
exhausted, are about to receive a new interest from the application of an old
philosophical fact. It is well known that a jet of water will support any
hollow conical body as long as it plays: it is therefore in contemplation to
place an Albert hat on the top of each fountain, which will be kept at a cer-
tain elevation, and form an appropriate accompanying trophy to the Nelson
column; the two portraying the United Service.

Flirtations of all kinds thrive at Rosherville and Gravesend, which it
is well beknown," as Mrs. Gamp would say.
t L "Tea with cresses," or Tea with shrimps," each at ninepence, forms the
staple meal of Gravesend. The tea is usually the "strong rough congou," at
three-and-four. One trial will prove the fact.








1846.] THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN NOVEMBER. 125

But flew from me, one day, on fancy's wings,
All for another gent as she loved better;
And left me lonely, in a dark dilemma,
On Windmill Hill, to warble Faithless Emma."*
But as, in La Sonnambula, the man
In love sings, Still so gently o'er me stealing,"
Although I combat with it all I can,
I find that memory will bring back the feeling."
But love, at any time, lasts but a span;
And so, in spite of all my grief revealing,"
I will revisit Rosherville's domain,
And drown in tea with cresses"t all my pain.


THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN NOVEMBER.
WHEN you come back to town do not say to what precise part of
the Continent you have been, or you may be found out; "A Walk-
ing Tour in Norway" is, however, tolerably safe; and the principal
objects may be read up from Murray's Handbook." If you were
seen at the aforesaid Margate, or Gravesend (as the case may be),
say you were obliged to go one day to the horrid place, to see a fellow
who had sold you a horse.
That if you are in debt, the heavy fogs will allow you to walk past
the doors of your principal creditors, which will open several new
promenades to you.
If you wish to pass for a fox-hunter, take a day ticket on the
Birmmingham rail, in the second-class carriages, in pink and leathers.
Everybody will then suppose you have a horse in a box behind-an
impression of which you are not bound to disabuse them. This is
what in melodramas is called "joining the hunting train."
That scarlet-runners may now be planted in ditches, and trained
along ploughed fields in their stirrups.


THE TRAFALGAR FOUNTAINS.
THESE popular ornaments, whose capabilities for jokes have nearly been
exhausted, are about to receive a new interest from the application of an old
philosophical fact. It is well known that a jet of water will support any
hollow conical body as long as it plays: it is therefore in contemplation to
place an Albert hat on the top of each fountain, which will be kept at a cer-
tain elevation, and form an appropriate accompanying trophy to the Nelson
column; the two portraying the United Service.

Flirtations of all kinds thrive at Rosherville and Gravesend, which it
is well beknown," as Mrs. Gamp would say.
t L "Tea with cresses," or Tea with shrimps," each at ninepence, forms the
staple meal of Gravesend. The tea is usually the "strong rough congou," at
three-and-four. One trial will prove the fact.








THE COMIC ALMAIACK.


HISTORICAL MEMORANDA.
DRURY LAKE THEATRE.

'DRuRY LANE Theatre was built in 1667, one year after the great
fire of London, by Mr. William Shakspeare, assisted by Mr. Bunn,
a great dramatist, from the designs of Mr. Planchd, an eminent
architect. Shakspeare was an extraordinary musician; and his solos
on the ophicleide,' whilst in the orchestra of the Globe Theatre,
were much admired. He composed several musical dramas, amongst
which Hamlet, Prince of Tyre," "As You Like It, or So I hope
you'll recommendit," "The Two Gentlemen of Windsor," Antony
and Juliet," have gained a transient popularity. He was originally
in trade at Stratford-upon-Avon, but being convicted of staging"
on the Charlecote Line, he fled to London, and assumed the name of
Fitzball, under which cognomen he published his best pieces. He
was buried, at his own request, in the rotunda of the theatre, under
the fireplace, where his monument may be seen for nothing on going
to take places.


SHOULD the Premier make any unusual stir with respect to the present
vegetable epidemic, it is probable that he will be known to future ages as
Potato Peel."
IN the event of Boz's Cricket on the Hearth" proving successful, a
talented Lord will bring out his Trap, Bat, and Ball on the Mantel-
piece."


[1846.







1846.1


HINTS TO NOVELISTS, FOR 1846.

THE increasing demand for this species of literature, whether with
or without a purpose-the latter style being, perhaps, the most
popular-has called forth a number of new pens to meet it. Some
of these being rather new at their work, stand in need of a little
assistance; and we are most happy in being able to give it, in the
shape of those methods of commencing a tale which experience has
shown to be the most successful, and hence the most universally
followed:-
THE READ-UP, OR JAMESONIAN.
F we examine closely the records of the past, we
shall find that the principal source of the public
morality, or vice, springs in most cases from the
acts or institutions of the government; and this
was especially remarkable at the commencement of
the seventeenth century, in France. The youth of
S Louis XIII.; the feebleness of his character, even
in advanced age; his incapacity, and that of his
regent mother, gave rise to all kinds of imperfec-
S tions, and opened the career to excesses of feudality,
and all.sorts of lawless ambitions. Evil, departing
from this centre, spread amongst all classes of
people: the organization of the clergy affected the
position of the laity; and the intrigues of the
Count de Soissons, Conde, and others, favouredthe
general corruption.
Things stood thus when, one fine spring morning, two horsemen
in military attire were slowly traversing one of the large tracts of
forest land which then stretched between Compiggne and Beauvais.
[At this point search the British Museum, and get up the costumes
from pictures. The low countries" is effective ]

THE PSEUDO-GRAPHIC, OR WEAK BOZ-AND-WATER.
Any one whom business or pleasure has taken across Hungerford
Bridge may have observed, on the right hand, as he reached the
Lambeth side of the river, a curious tumbledown-looking counting-
house, something between a travelling caravan and the city barge,
elevated on some rickety piles, with a rusty balcony projecting
from its river front, and without any visible means of access or







2 8 THE COMIC ALMANAC [1846.

egress, except down the chimney, or along a rotten row of spouts,
barely fastened to its decaying woodwork. It is a dismal, melan-
choly place. The glass has been untouched for years, and is coated
with dirt, although through it may be seen files of old dustocovered
papers, hanging amidst festooned cobwebs and corroded inkstands,
with stumps of pens still sticking in the holes. Everything tells of
broken hearts and ruined fortunes; of homes made desolate by
misplaced confidence, and long, long lawsuits, which outlived those
who started them, and were left-with nothing else, to the poor and
struggling heirs!
It was a miserable November evening: the passengers were
glooming through the haze of the feeble lights, choked by the river
fog, like dim spectres; and a melancholy drip fell, in measured
plashings, from every penthouse and coping, as two figures slowly
pursued their way towards this dreary place, through some of the
old and tortuous streets that lie between the York Road and the
river side.
[TAe heroes (as the case may be) being thus introduced, the author
can qo ahead with his plot, if he has one.]


















THE TOPOGRAPHICAL, OR TRANSATLANTIC.
The long chain of rocky mountains which, reaching from the
Oregon to New York, forms a natural boundary to the prairies on
the Canada side of the Mississippi, is more than once crossed by
rugged tracks, left by the early emigrants to the far west shores of







HINTS TO NOVELISTS, FOR 1846.


the continent. These are here and there dotted with villages,
whose buildings bear traces of their Dutch origin, and watered by
streams flowing through the hunting grounds of the Pawnee and
Webfooted Indians, until they mingle with the roar of Niagara,
above Buffalo.
[Having settled your scene in this locality, you go on about the
Indians as follows :-]
That's the crack of a tarnal rifle from them Mingoes," said the
Scamp, as he listened to the report; "why on 'arth they're not
shot off like natural animals is just above my comprension."
His Indian companion looked to the ground with a low expres-
sive Hugh!" and picked up a shell
"The Huron is a coward," he said: his squaw is idle in his
wigwam; and his mocassins are weak. The Ojibbeway will have
his scalp."
"The creetur is right," replied the Scamp: "I'd back the
downey cove's rifle against any blazer them infarnal Mingoes ever
struck fire into."
[The Indians should always speak in the third person: "fire-
water," great spirit," ".pale-faces," wampum," Sc., will add to the
effect; and the general habits may be ground up from recollections
of the Egyptian Hall.]
THE ECLOGIC, OR GOREAN.
"Then you will be sure and come ?" said Lillie Effingham, as the
party of handsome girls and young men, with whom she was riding,
turned through the opening, on to the turf, at the side of the
Serpentine.
Can you mistrust me ?" replied her cavalier, in a low, impressive
tone, that conveyed a far deeper meaning than the four words.
"Shall not you be there P"
Oh, that is all very well, I know," answered Lillie, patting, with
her small hand, the glossy neck of her Arabian; "but Blanche
Heathcote will be there as well, and Lady Helen, and the bewitch-
ing Mrs. Howard; you will be at no loss for attractive partners."
Charles Trevor-for such was his name-smiled with a peculiar
expression; then, raising his hat to Lillie, pranced off to speak to
some men in the Guards, with whom he was to dine that day at the
Palace mess.
[The reader is now to be let into the secret of who these two indi-
viduals are.]


1846.1








130 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1846.

MOTTOES FOR CRACKER BONBONS.
EVERYBODY knows those kisses, burnt almonds and sugar-plums, in their
envelopes of fringed and gaudy paper, with the concealed Waterloo cracker
inside, which it is so delightful to explode during
supper-time at an evening party ; and everybody
also knows that the motto which this discharge
of enlivening artillery sets free is generally the
most stupid, unmeaning thing it is possible to
conceive. From a quantity we select the follow-
S ing as a fair specimen of the prevailing style:-
Beauty always fades away;
Virtue will for ever stay."
Or,-
"The best affections of my heart are thine,
If you to my petition will incline."
Or,-
"What is beauty but a bait,
Oft repented when too late ?"
Now, in place of these silly ideas, we suggest the following, which will
have the merit of inducing thinking, and, by their matter-of-fact truth, do
away with a great deal of the false atmosphere with which society is in
vested:-
When the master and mistress smile through the night,
Oh, do not believe that their bosoms are light;
Think of the plate they have had to borrow,
And the state that the house will be in to-morrow !
Though, after a Polka with somebody nice,
You get sentimental whilst down stairs for ice,
Before you attempt her affections to win,
First try and find out if she's got any tin.
Oh had we but a little isle,
On which the sun might always smile;
There to reside alone with thee-
How tired out we soon should be !
Recollect, a bad Polkiste don't get much renown,
If you can't dance it well, you had better sit down.
Love's like a trifle, fleeting soon;
Vows are the froth, and man the spoon.
If the night's not very dry,
Find out those who've got a fly,
Whose way home your own one suits,
Because wet walking ruins boots.
He whose gloves are new and white,
Can clean them for another night;
But he who wears them parties twain,
Can never have them cleaned again.
We wish to see the hints here given followed out generally; and we are
sure their good effect on social life will be soon evident.




























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CORN CAPERS.

THE PAS DES MOISSONNEUBS.
WE sing the Viennoises so famed,
And those who at their laurels aimed,
And were the danseuses Anglaises named.
Who made the other opera elves
Begin to look about themselves,
Dreading to be put on their shelves.
Who raised a doubt, in costume wild,
When in the final tableau piled,
Which was the sheaf, and which the child.
They heard the loud approving cheers,
From stalls, and pit, and all the tiers;
For little wheatsheaves have long ears.
And knew, whilst they pursued that track,
Nor showed of energy a lack,
Their wheat would never get the sack.
No league about them did declaim;
The only league, linked with their name,
Was that which oft their audience came.
We hope to see them back again,
Fresh flowers and bonbons to obtain,
Those charming little rogues in grain.
And all the world will be there too,
The stage with fresh bouquets to strew,
And their corn-rigs so bonnie view.



THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN DECEMBER.
THAT you should this month keep "in the house," by which, unlike the
Andover paupers, you will escape dripping.
That managers rely upon boxing night for making a hit; and that orders are
always to be procured for the dress-circle in any quantity on that evening;
"Christmas boxes" being seldom given, and as seldom taken in the
theatres.
That Christmas comes but once a year, which, looking to the bills that
generally accompany it, must be a great comfort to fathers of families.
That the Christmas log is now disused, but the wood of it is found in large
quantities in the wine used in negus at Christmas parties.
Hares will now stand on end with terror at the approach of the shooter,
and may be knocked on the head without expense of ammunition.
That if you go out to a party, and, to save cab-hire, walk in shiny boots,
you will probably bring your "light catarrh with you, as you will find out
if asked to sing.











CORN CAPERS.

THE PAS DES MOISSONNEUBS.
WE sing the Viennoises so famed,
And those who at their laurels aimed,
And were the danseuses Anglaises named.
Who made the other opera elves
Begin to look about themselves,
Dreading to be put on their shelves.
Who raised a doubt, in costume wild,
When in the final tableau piled,
Which was the sheaf, and which the child.
They heard the loud approving cheers,
From stalls, and pit, and all the tiers;
For little wheatsheaves have long ears.
And knew, whilst they pursued that track,
Nor showed of energy a lack,
Their wheat would never get the sack.
No league about them did declaim;
The only league, linked with their name,
Was that which oft their audience came.
We hope to see them back again,
Fresh flowers and bonbons to obtain,
Those charming little rogues in grain.
And all the world will be there too,
The stage with fresh bouquets to strew,
And their corn-rigs so bonnie view.



THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN DECEMBER.
THAT you should this month keep "in the house," by which, unlike the
Andover paupers, you will escape dripping.
That managers rely upon boxing night for making a hit; and that orders are
always to be procured for the dress-circle in any quantity on that evening;
"Christmas boxes" being seldom given, and as seldom taken in the
theatres.
That Christmas comes but once a year, which, looking to the bills that
generally accompany it, must be a great comfort to fathers of families.
That the Christmas log is now disused, but the wood of it is found in large
quantities in the wine used in negus at Christmas parties.
Hares will now stand on end with terror at the approach of the shooter,
and may be knocked on the head without expense of ammunition.
That if you go out to a party, and, to save cab-hire, walk in shiny boots,
you will probably bring your "light catarrh with you, as you will find out
if asked to sing.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


JUDICIUM ASTROLOGICUM.
THE PRIZE PROPHECY FOR 1846.


OURTEOUS READER,
The expense of keeping a prophet having increase
with the diminution of the species, towards which those
mundane authorities, termed police, are in deadly oppo-
sition, my prognostics have lately fallen in arrear. But
the prize prophecy, which was thrown open to competi-
Stion last year, has come to hand; and, fully convinced
that everything put down in it will happen, sooner or
later-or, if it does not, that it ought to have done so;
and would, but for some unforeseen zodiacal altercation
which threw the signs into confusion-I now offer it to you.
And I beg to inform you that if you want cabalistic information upon any
subject: to know the railway likeliest to pay, the definite intentions of
the Prime Minister, the duration of the Income-tax, the fortune or ex-
pectations of any young lady you may meet at a party, or the winner of
the next Derby-the fee of five sovereigns, enclosed to our Prophet at
the publisher's, will ensure an answer by the return of post; containing,
in addition to all he knows upon the subject, a great deal more that he does
not. My limits forbid further observations ; but keep these remarks in mind,
and look out for the fulfilment of what is to happen in
JANUARY.
A frost of some duration will cover the twelfth-cakes of the metropolis at
the commencement of the month, which will begin to be broken up about
Twelfth Night. About the middle of the month the Humane Society will
give a grand dinner, on their retirement from public life, to the Wood Pave-
ment Company, in gratitude to the latter for offering superior attraction to







JUDICIUM ASTROLOGICUM.


skaters, and taking all accidents off their hands. The Serpentine Receiving-
house will be moved to the Strand in consequence; and the Mile End Omni-
buses will furnish the drags. Several diverting little surprises will happen
in families, by the delivery of bills, which they are either certain they paid
at the time," or "don't believe they ever owed;" but, unfortunately, being
unable to produce the receipts, will be brutally compelled to pay them
again.
Great excitement in the literary world, and especially in the magazines;
which, to give an air of novelty to the new year, will contain twenty con-
tinuous stories each. Fearful vision of the individual who reads them all;
in which he will see the Robertses on their Travels, stopped by St. Giles;
whilst St. James is gone, with Caesar Borgia, to pay a visit to the Marchioness
of Brinvilliers, and condole with her on the death of Marston, who has been
shot by Rowcroft's Bushranger, now under the care of the Gaol Chaplain,
whose Revelations of London have no effect upon him. And the weekly
press aiding this complexity, by representing Mrs. Caudle quarrelling with
Joe Miller for Rodwell's Umbrella which the Wandering Jew gave to his
Stepmother-the nightmare of the unhappy magazine reader will be terrible
indeed!
Much discord will prevail in town by reason of nocturnal bands of dis-
turbers of the public peace, called the Waits, who will play "Then you'll re-
member me" for one hour continuously under your window ; and call a few
days afterwards, to prove the truth of their musical assertion. The juries for
putting down false weights," have no power over the measures of these
ruthless marauders.
A BAD RAILWAY ACCIDENT will happen, from a collision of two trains.

FEBRUARY.
Parliament will meet at the usual time, when the Refuge for the Destitute
in Playhouse Yard will be turned into an asylum for the houseless peers; the
unroofed rooms and heavy rains and floods turning the intended House of
Lords into a Peerless Pool. The enclosure of the Commons will be at the
same time a great question of doubt.
The following events will be found this month, without fail, in the papers:
-A dreadful fire in America, and another at Smyrna; a steam-boat explo-
sion on the Mississippi; an abortive poor-law inquiry in a Midland county;
a terrible inundation somewhere abroad; and the discovery of a railway
swindle in London; which will give rise to a grand battue of stags,"
directed by the Siva, or destroying engine of the Times."
A new line of railway, direct to Windsor, will be sanctioned the earliest in
the Session; in consequence, those who make a pilgrim's progress to the old
station will find it literally the Slough of Despond.
A bold member, moving that the statues for the new Senate of the sove-
reigns of England shall go up by order of merit rather than succession, will
secure a tolerably good perch for Oliver Cromwell; and it is not unlikely
that Byron's statue will take its place in Poet's Corner at the same time.
Two new steamers, the Emmet and the Earwig, will run between London
Bridge and Chelsea six times for a penny. They will be greatly crowded in
consequence.
SERIOUS RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-A train will get off the line and run down
an embankment into a farm-yard.







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


MARCH.
Several legal gentlemen will be expelled from one mess to get into another,
for reporting cases; a plain statement of facts of any kind being against all
professional morality. The press will, in consequence, turn round upon the
bar; and the bar will get pretty considerably the worst of it. The inscrip-
tion, Tongues sold here," will be transferred from ham and beef shops to
the chambers of honourable barristers. Such reform will be worked that a
leading advocate will, perhaps, hang himself upon finding he has undertaken
a wrong cause. The "Andover Commission" will be revived as the Under-
hand Inquiry."


Von Lumley will arrive from the Continent with a variety of singing birds,
who will pipe Norma, Puritani, Don Giovanni, duets, arias, &c.
TERRIBLE RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-A train going too fast will run over an-
other going too slow, from neglect of signals.

APRIL.
The Shakspeare Jubilee Festival will be celebrated at the only national
theatre" on the 23rd, with the following performances:-
"The Grand Opera of'HAMLET:' the Music by Mr. Balfe ; the libretto by
Messrs. Shakspeare and Bunn.
"After which, a Divertissement; in which Mr. Delferier and Madame
Giubelei will, as Romeo and Juliet, dance the Capulet Polka. Grotesque


Pas de Caliban, from the 'TEMPEST,' by Mr. Wieland; and the celebrated
Desperate Combat from RICHARD THE THIRD,' by Messrs. T. Matthews
and W. H. Payne.


[1846.








1846.] JUDICIUM ASTROLOGICUM. 135

"The whole to conclude with a New Grand Pantomime of 'HARLEQUIN
MACBETH; OR, THE MAGIC CALDRON AND WALKING WOOD.'
From the Opera, the following song may be predicted to be sung by the
first tenor, Hamlet:-
"TO BE, OR NOT TO BE."
"Oh say !-To be, or not to be?
That is the question grave;
To suffer Fortune's slings and darts,
Or seas of troubles brave.
To die; to sleep! perchance, to dream!- T
Ay, there's the rub!-when we
Have shuffled off this mortal coil! -
To be, or not to be!
"Ah who would bear Time's whips and scorns,
The pangs of disprized love;
When he might his quietus make
By one bare bodkin's shove?
Who would these fardels bear, unless
That bourne he could foresee,
From which no traveller returns!-
To be, or not to be!"
Arrangements will be made for the characters to promenade in the day,
time full dressed, upon the top of the portico, to the music of the orchestra-
in beefeater's dresses. The pageant will be very splendid.
A TERRIBLE RAILWAY ACCIDENT will happen, from the engine running up
a cutting, and then falling back on the train.

MAY.
Several young ladies will now receive
bouquets on the mornings of parties, without
having the slightest idea" from whom they
come. Human glow-worms will appear hover-
ing at night, with lanterns, round door-steps
and scrapers, until the Polkas commence;
when the street-doors in the newly-built
houses will take to knocking themselves. A
new musical court of justice will condemn offending
professors to eight hours at the quadrille piano, in-
stead of so many days at the treadmill. A hapless
pianist will be found dead at the instrument, at a
reunion in Eaton Square, after the "after-supper
cotillion."
Several grand morning concerts will take place at
the Opera Concert Room, in which every artiste in
London will sing or play twice. They will commence
at two P.M., and always conclude in time for break-
fast the next morning. An elegant little article
will be invented, called "The Nutritive Lozenge; or, Concert Portable
Larder," to support the existence of those who will wait the programme
out. Arrangements will be made with some machinery from the stage,
for hauling those who faint or die through the windows on to the top of the
colonnade, without disturbing the rest of the audience.








136 THE COMIC ALMANAC. LIf40.

DREADFUL RAILWAY ACCIDENT, from the bursting of a boiler; which will
blow everybody and everything into an impalpable powder. The steam will
cook a number of greens in an adjacent field, and boil a number of pigs;
providing a choice meal for a number of residents in an adjacent union, who
will be turned out to feed for the day.

JUNE.

Ascot and Epsom races will take place. Several pigeons will he let off
after each race; but other pigeons will not be let off so easily on the Tuesday
following. Gentlemen, on their way home, who have ventured to back
unruly horses, will find themselves either hedging," or taking the field"
the other side of it The confusion on the road will be a literal case of wheels-
wvithin-wheels, and jibbers will convert all the carriages into breaks. The road
home, covered with ruined poles; and the police cannot order them to move
on. The rain at Ascot will become the first defaulter, and refuse to down
with the dust;" so that the Heath's Beauties" will all look as if prepared
for a bal poudr6. All the vehicles will get inextricably locked together at
Sutton; and the passengers, not knowing what to do, will all play different
tunes upon their cornets and post-horns, illustrating the horns of a dilemma.
At the end of the month a thunderstorm will, by its electric fluid, create
the greatest disturbance on the telegraph wires of the Southampton Railway,
catching and distorting some messages as they pass, during a telegraphic
game of chess, and other proceedings. The clerk at the Gosport end will be
utterly bewildered threat, being ordered to "checkmate the Kingston station
with the Queen's luggage-bishop."
SHOCKING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-A man, lying across the rails asleep, a
favourite position, will be cut in half, and his superior portion carried down
to Bristol-the inferior remaining at Slough. Parochial quarrel, as to the
inquest, in consequence.

JULY.
Opening of Vauxhall Gardens once more, positively for the last time, upon
temperance principles. Festivals of St. Swithin and Father Mathew held on
the grounds, with appropriate devices in real rain-water. Patent taken out for
the "Vauxhall Illumination Lamp," consisting of the addition of a small
parasol to each lamp. Vauxhall weather-houses sold at the toy-shops.-N.B.
When Widdicombe comes out it will be wet. Mr. Green, finding balloons
cease to attract, having successively tried a night ascent, a lady with her
leopard, a gentleman with his tiger, &c., volunteers to go up on a skyrocket,
and come down with an umbrella, instead of a parachute. He will be taken
before the Lord Mayor, on his descent, for attempting self-destruction.
The night before the close of the Midsummer holidays an immense number
of little boys and girls will be attacked with alarming signs of indisposition,
but on being kept at home will rapidly recover.
The blocks of Wenham ice in the Strand shop-window will melt very
quickly-the only American affair that looks at all clear, or is liquidated
spontaneously, or (as sherry cobbler) worth a straw.
VERY ALAR~aIN RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-An engine getting off the line,







JUDICIUM ASTROLOGICUM.


will carry the train through a gentleman's country house, where he is enter-
taining some friends.

















AUGUST.
The Qu"en, en voyage, accompanied by Prince Albert, will pay a visit to
Calcutta, by the overland route, and come home by St. Petersburgh; starting,
immediately on her return, for Ireland, and thence to New York: the whole
being accomplished within the month. Great confusion in the houses of the
nobility she unexpectedly looks in upon-begging of extra servants, borrowing
of plate, and stealing of evergreens. The illustrated papers for the week con-
tain their thirty engravings as usual, and they are all triumphal arches.
Several shooting stars will be visible in the northern district about the
twelfth. Sultry weather: and the Wenham Lake ice has all melted. Ne
sutor ultra crepidam-no more sherry cobbler after the last.
M. Jullien will give a Concert Monstre, and introduce his Leviathan
Ophicleide, prepared for the country festivals, and containing living, cooking,
and sleeping conveniences for his entire orchestra.
HORRIBLE RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-An express train will leap over the wall
of a viaduct, when those who expected to "go down" by it will not be
disappointed.
SEPTEMBER.
The Annnal Blockade, or Great Plague of London, by the Commissioners
of Sewers and Improvements, will take place this month. The nearest way
frpm St. Paul's to Temple Bar will be through Farringdon Street, Smithfield,
across Gray's Inn Lane, Theobald's Road (Holborn is also closed), Red Lion
Square, Queen Street, and Drury Lane. Endless rows with cabmen in con-
sequence, who object to eightpence for the distance. General emigration of
the British, -who will be found everywhere, in the language of the month, in
large coveys, strong on the wing, and offering excellent sport to foreigners.
It is probable that the last man about town will commit suicide in the centre
of Leicester Square; to explore which hitherto unknown locality an expe-
dition will be fitted out, now that the new street has opened a facility of
communication with the interior.
The stars portend the ultimate death of Bartholomew Fair, Esquire, after








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


several years of wasting decline, the result of injuries received some time ago
from the corporation of London. He will lie in state in Smithfield for three
days, on a handsome bier of gilt gingerbread, and under a canopy of show-
.canvas, with incense burning round him from altars of sausage-stoves. The
Black Wild Indian, the Fair Circassian, the Yorkshire Giant, the Welsh
Dwarf, the Fat Boy, the Living Skeleton, and the Ghost from. Richardson's,
will in turn act as mourners.
ANNOYING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-The train will break down in the middle
of a two-mile tunnel, and will not be discovered until pushed out by the next.
OCTOBER.
Several fires will breakout in and about London, but, as they will be
principally confined to their proper places, no ill-effects will happen, except
in the cases where the servants will neglect to open the chimney-boards, and
emancipate the blacks. About this period we may look for the reappearance
of several muffs and boas from their summer hiding-places.
Rainmaybe expected about the 4th, 8th, 15th, 22nd, and 30th of this month.
I say it may be expected, but this does not follow that it will come. If it does
not, it will fall at some other time, or probably not at all; but the reader may
rely upon one or the other of these meteorological phenomena taking place.
A SINGULAR RAILWAY ACCIDENT will happen from using two engines,
one before and the other behind; which, not acting together, will crumple
the train up between them, like the back of an insulted cat. The tender
will vindicate its claim to its title by being crushed to pieces.
NOVEMBER.
A dense fog-an English festival of "St. Cloud"-will visit the metro-
polis; during the continuance of which several blunders will be made by the
Londoners which would not otherwise have occurred. A celebrated literary
hydropathist will be mistaken for a pump of hard water, until he is run
against and found to be soft. The Penitentiary will be taken for a poor-law
union; the National Gallery for a railway station; and St Paul's and West-
minster Abbey for two religious peep-shows: but Covent Garden Theatre will
not be taken for anything by anybody.
LuDicnous RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-The fastenings of a carriage will come
undone and the train will speed on to the terminus, whilst the travellers
behind are left halfway in the midst of a flooded cutting.
DECEMBER.
The Young England party will be decidedly in the ascendant at the com-
mencement of the holidays; and materially affect the social condition of
the people" in the house.
Popular lectures on "cold," at the Polytechnic Institution, when the Pro-
fessor will have the subject at his fingers' ends. Dr. Ryan, having frozen
water in a red-hot crucible, will next make a piece of ice red-hot without
melting it, by reversing the process.
The march of intellect will be found to have altered all the old Christmas
objects of revelry. The yule log will be supplanted by an Arnott's stove;
the homely carol, by an Italian scena, which the singer does not understand;
the wassail bowl, by British brandy, or perhaps something better; and the
mummers, by the far more dangerous false masks and manners of society, as
at present constituted.
TREMENDOUS RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-Four trains will meet at a cross-
junction line exactly at the same time. Every precaution will be taken to
avoid danger, as soon as the accident has occurred.


11846i