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The Comic almanack
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00011
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1845
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00011

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image
    Title Page
        Title Page
    The comic almanack for 1845
        Unnumbered ( 10 )
        Short treatise on tides
            Page 46
        Eclipses for 1845
            Page 46
        Twelfth night : or what you will
            Image
            Page 47
        Horoscopes made easy to the meanest capacity
            Page 48
            Image
            Page 49
            Page 50
        Ode to love
            Page 51
        Sentiments for the stage
            Page 52
        Reason for fuddling on st Patricks day
            Page 53
            Image
        London improvements
            Page 54
        Opening of the royal exchange
            Page 55
            Page 56
        Ode to fashion
            Image : Lady Day
            Page 57
        Note on the naval forces of Great Britain
            Page 58
            Page 59
        Quarter day
            Page 59
            Page 60
            Image
        Spring : after Thomson
            Page 61
        Blighted ash
            Page 62
        Going to St. Paul's
            Image : St. Paul
            Page 63
        Panic at the bank
            Page 64
            Page 65
        Lines written in a lady's album
            Page 65
        Fine art distribution
            Page 66
        Gardening for ladies
            Page 66
        Horticultural fate
            Image
            Page 67
        Notes of a continental tour in the summer of 1844
            Page 68
            Page 69
        Mutual plate presentation and friendly testimonial association
            Page 69
        Golden rules for mendicants
            Page 70
        Summery justice
            Image
            Page 71 (MULTIPLE)
        Rules for medical students walking the streets
            Page 72
        Historical questions : a la mangnall
            Page 72
        Chinese proverbs
            Page 73
        Reasons for closing attorney's offices at six
            Page 73
            Page 74
        Great fire of London
            Image
            Page 75
        Contest for an aldermanic gown
            Page 76
        Antipathies of remarkable characters
            Page 77
        Essay on comets
            Page 78
        Fall of the leaf
            Image : fall
            Page 79
        New literary association of the friends of France
            Page 80
            Page 81
        Report of the committee on washhouses for the people
            Page 81
        New table to calculate wages
            Page 82
        Directions for brewing
            Page 82
        Young England
            Image : court
            Page 83
        Assessed taxes
            Page 83
        Polka Plague
            Page 84
        National gallery
            Page 85
            Page 86
        Sports and pastimes
            Page 86
            Image : boxing
        Our prize prophecy
            Page 87
            Page 88
    Back Matter
        Back Matter
    Back Matter
        Back Matter
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text
















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NOTICE.


The FIRST SERIES of THE COMIC ALMANACK"
from 1835 to 1843, a nine years' gathering of the BEST
HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest Quips, and the
Best Things of THACKERAY, HOOD, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH,
A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Wood-
cuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE,
LANDELLS-

may now be had of the Publisher, crown 8vo, 600 pp.,
price 7s. 6d.

SThe First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise
THE COMPLETE WORK, extendingfrom 1835 to 1853.






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COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
T-HE BROTHERS MAYHEW.



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"THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.-INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE 1ST FOOT."

igity mang unbnkb llastrations
4B Y GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

SECOND SERIES, 1844-1853.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDAN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.
'NEW YOK : SCRIBNER. WELFORD AND CO.















THE


COMIC


ALMANACK


FOR 1845.







46 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [I845.

A SHORT TREATISE ON TIDES.
THE tides have baffled the ingenuity of some of our greatest
philosophers, though Halley was more successful than any one else
in his attempts to get to the bottom of them.
If we were disposed to go deeply into the tides, we should require
the reader to follow us through a variety of mysterious hierogly-
phics, which we are sure would be unintelligible to the majority.
Dashes, crosses, circles, and triangles would be scattered over the
perplexing page in profusion, while the only result might be, that
as 0 is to a hyphen, so would be a couple of asterisks.
We, therefore, prefer leaving the study of the tides to those whose
taste for the subject would lead them to a practical acquaintance
with it, which may be picked up anywhere up or down the river.


THE ECLIPSES FOR 1845.
ON the 6th of May there will be an eclipse of the sun; but whose
son it is to be the almanack does not mention.
On the 24th of March there will be a total eclipse of the moon, only
visible in London. A rabid leader will appear in the "Nationale,"
and the feelings of the editor will quite run away with him, on
account of Paris being eclipsed on this occasion by Ie perfide
London.
On the 30th of October there will be a total eclipse of the Horse
Guards' illuminated clock by a tremendous fog. This eclipse is
expected to give such satisfaction, that it has already been an-
nounced for repetition on the following evening; but after the 31st-
the fog will be dropt.
On the 13th of November there will be a partial eclipse of the sun
-that is to say, the eclipse will show its partiality by being only
visible to those in a high station, who look up to it. It will first
show itself to Primrose Hill about four seconds after eight, A.M. It
will look in upon Professor Airy at the Greenwich Observatory
about five minutes after nine.
There will be a number of eclipses in the political world next
year; but we do not intend to throw any light upon them. No
doubt Lord John Russell will do his best to eclipse Sir Robert Peel,
and that eccentric planet, Brougham, will strive as much as he can
to eclipse Campbell, and throw him completely into the shade.







46 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [I845.

A SHORT TREATISE ON TIDES.
THE tides have baffled the ingenuity of some of our greatest
philosophers, though Halley was more successful than any one else
in his attempts to get to the bottom of them.
If we were disposed to go deeply into the tides, we should require
the reader to follow us through a variety of mysterious hierogly-
phics, which we are sure would be unintelligible to the majority.
Dashes, crosses, circles, and triangles would be scattered over the
perplexing page in profusion, while the only result might be, that
as 0 is to a hyphen, so would be a couple of asterisks.
We, therefore, prefer leaving the study of the tides to those whose
taste for the subject would lead them to a practical acquaintance
with it, which may be picked up anywhere up or down the river.


THE ECLIPSES FOR 1845.
ON the 6th of May there will be an eclipse of the sun; but whose
son it is to be the almanack does not mention.
On the 24th of March there will be a total eclipse of the moon, only
visible in London. A rabid leader will appear in the "Nationale,"
and the feelings of the editor will quite run away with him, on
account of Paris being eclipsed on this occasion by Ie perfide
London.
On the 30th of October there will be a total eclipse of the Horse
Guards' illuminated clock by a tremendous fog. This eclipse is
expected to give such satisfaction, that it has already been an-
nounced for repetition on the following evening; but after the 31st-
the fog will be dropt.
On the 13th of November there will be a partial eclipse of the sun
-that is to say, the eclipse will show its partiality by being only
visible to those in a high station, who look up to it. It will first
show itself to Primrose Hill about four seconds after eight, A.M. It
will look in upon Professor Airy at the Greenwich Observatory
about five minutes after nine.
There will be a number of eclipses in the political world next
year; but we do not intend to throw any light upon them. No
doubt Lord John Russell will do his best to eclipse Sir Robert Peel,
and that eccentric planet, Brougham, will strive as much as he can
to eclipse Campbell, and throw him completely into the shade.
























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TWELFTH NIGHT.


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f'TWELFTH-NIGHT: OR, WHAT YOU WILL."
HAIL to the Twelfth-Night King whose reign
Is short, but truly merry;
His ministers are cake, champagne,
Hot negus, port, and sherry.
His subjects are the young and gay,
Who their allegiance own;
Over the drawing-room is his sway-
An easy-chair his throne.
It once was very truly said,
By poet of renown;
Somewhat uneasy is the head
That's doomed to wear a crown.

The Twelfth-Night King is free from care,
No crown his ease can balk;
'Tis much too small for him to wear-
That little crown of chalk.

No cares of state before him rise,
No treaties, but a treat;
Sugar in every shape and guise,
Gives sweets unto his suite.
Hostilities he need not dread,
Like some in regal stations;
A Twelfth-Night King is at the head
Of friendliest relations.


FACTS THAT DO NOT COME WITHIN THE RECOL-
LECTION OF THE OLDEST INHABITANT.
THE invasion of England by the Prince de Joinville,
The liberty of the French press.
A ministry of one year's duration in Spain.
The presentation of the accounts of St. Stephen's, Walbrook.
A good engraving from the Art-Union.
A fine day in Glasgow.








48 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1845.


HOROSCOPES MADE EASY TO THE MEANEST
CAPACITY
OF course every one knows that horoscopes are divisible into twelve classes,
and that one of the twelve Signs of the Zodiac is at the head of each class.
With this information any one with the aid of the following learned treatise
will be able to cast his own nativity or that of any other person.
The first sign of the Zodiac is
LIBRA,
Which formerly belonged to a person of the name of Themis, but was taken
from her for using false weights, and hung up, as a warning to tradesmen,
among the constellations. Who at present holds them LempriBre omits to
say. The Libra are uppermost in the Zodiac from the 22nd of September to
the 21st of October; consequently, any one born during that period is put
into the scales and weighed accordingly. Churchwardens who cannot balance
their accounts, and Ramo Samees who can balance anything, are generally
born under the sign of Libra. It favours also young ladies who hear from
Joseph Ady, and are blest with a large balance at their bankers.
The second on the list is
SCORPIO,
Whose malice and sting come into play from the last-mentioned date, and
penetrate everywhere up to the 21st November.
Sheriffs' officers, lawyers, stage-door keepers, and anthropophagi, are
always born under this constellation.
SAGITTARIUS
Comes next. Old Chiron, the Nimrod of his day, dwells at this Sign of the
Zodiac. He was put in possession of it by Jupiter for having taught Achilles
how to pull the long-bow. He favours Derby sweeps and the Epping Hunt,
but his patronage cannot be of much value to the latter, as his influence is
only good from the 22nd of November to the 21st of December.
The protdg6 of Sagittarius is generally fond of hunting the slipper and
shooting the moon. He is known by his carpet bag, stuffed with bricks and
straw. He sports a moustache, but never shows any tip.
The fourth sign is
CAPRICORNUS,
Who was originally Jupiter's wet-nurse. His lease of the Zodiac extends to
the 21st of January, after which he is obliged to pull in his horns.
This constellation is noted for the number of stupid people who are born
under it. They believe everything they see advertised, and put their trust
in pills and Moses and Son. They are mostly called "Gents." They spend
their money in Coal-holes, and smoke a kind of cabbage called "cheroot."













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FLYING ARTILLERY.







1845.] HOROSCOPES MADE EASY TO THE MEANEST CAPACITY. 49

They abound at promenade concerts, and on the tops of omnibuses and paddle-
boxes on Sundays.
Capricornus, when he has finished going the Circuit of the Zodiac, is suc-
ceeded by
AQUARIUS,
Or the Watering-pot. Aquarius is only allowed to reign till the 21st of
February. The former name of this Sign was Ganymede, who was taken up
for sheep-stealing by an eagle, who was noted for being the first beak of his
day. He was carried before Jupiter, who condemned him to pour out the
nectar at a free-and-easy, of which he was chairman, in Olympus; but upon
being detected mixing the grog of the gods, who always took their liquor
neat, Ganymede was, in consequence of his foolish propensity to cold water,
sentenced to take the sobriquet of Aquarius, which, before the Flood, was
the Latin for Father Mathew.
Aquarius is the patron Sign of Vauxhall, which he makes his residence
during the summer months. Temperance and Teetotal people are born under
his benignant favour. Doctors, too, are his children owing to their liberal
use of aqua pompaginis. One half of the London milk is supplied to the
metropolis by Aquarius.
PISCES
Makes up the half-dozen of the constellations. Fish in the Zodiac, it seems,
comes into season about the 22nd of February, but will not keep after the
22nd of March. Very little is known about the private history of these
strange Pisces; they are supposed to have been a couple of John Dorys,
who, Neptune having advertised in Lloyd's List for a wife, introduced
Amphitrite, a Wapping lady, to share his oyster-bed with him. Neptune in
return, gave the Pisces the entire swim of the Zodiac, where, if Aquarius did
not brandish his watering-pot right and left about him for a month before
them, they would have nothing but currents of air and thorough drafts to
swim in. This would have made them feel very much like fishes out of
water. The Pisces look after picnics and ministerial white-bait dinners.
ARIES
Makes his triumphal entry into the circus of the Zodiac on the 20th of March,
and keeps on the move till the 21st of April. He was the original proprietor
of the Golden Fleece, but having, from his hasty temper, got into Chancery,
he was fleeced, and then locked up for life in the Zodiac. He encourages the
breed of April fools, and looks after Chancellors and lawyers that they may
have abundance of clients.
TAURUS
Is the prototype of John Bull, who crossed the British Channel with a pair
of corks, and, landing at Calais, carried off Europe, or Europa. Young France
has often attempted to take this bull by the horns ; but, as Old Moore quaintly








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


expresses it, Y puppyes aint yett born that can baitte yo Johnn Bull."
Taurns looks after the Spanish Legion and the Lumber Troop, and gives
them their indomitable valour. Sir Robert Peel was born under this con-
stellation, which accounts for his having offered his constituents at Tamworth
a Bull. Taurus superintends the bulls that are kept in the Vatican at Rome;
and all Irishmen who are born between the 22nd of April and 21st of May,
are under his influence. Taurus frequently shows himself at fairs and market-
days, when, if the weather is at all hot, he will toss any one for a cool hundred
at heads or tails.
GEMINI
Are nine, though properly only two, in the order of Signs. Castor and Pollux
are the twins alluded to. Their berth in the constellations they received from
Jupiter, and very naturally too, as he was their father. Their mother was
Leda, a regular Spartan, but no relation to the present member for West-
minster. The saying of What a shocking bad hat!" was first applied to
Castor. Beggarwomen, who exhibit two children on a door step, very unlike'
one another, are relieved under the lucky star of the Twins. Castor and
Pollux go on very Well till the 21st of June, when, as it is longest dayin the
year, they generally get tired of one another's company, and do not come
together again for a twelvemouth.
CANCER
Is a very bad Sign, indeed. It first attacked Hercules when he was attempt-
ing to come Van Amburgh over the Hydra. Hercules did not take the
Cancer very much to heart, however; but, with one blow, packed him off to
Heaven, where, there being a place vacant at the time in the Zodiac, the
Cancer was sworn into it, and has filled it very creditably ever since. Cancer
sometimes puts the seasons out of order, by thinking he is a crab, and walking
accordingly, which is always the case when the summer is a little backward.
LEO
Is the next that comes upon the tapis of the Zodiac. It is the same Leo
whom Hercules got over in the forest of Ardennes, by means of animal mag-
netism, having thrown him into a state of coma, with a few passes of his
club. This made the second candidate Hercules returned to the Zodiac Par-
liament. England (not the Young-but the Old) was born under the protec-
tion of the Lion, who, for this reason, is always called by orators the '' British
Lion," and painted on signboards, giving his paw to the British arms, in
friendly confab with the British Unicorn. Mr. Carter, the greatest Lion
tamer since Hercules, was born during this month; and young dandies and
authors, who patronize tea-parties, are called Lions."
VIRGO
Comes last. She rises every year on the 22nd of August, and goes to bed, in
her golden palace of the East, on the 21st of September.


[I845.







i845.]


ODE TO LOVE.
WRITTEN ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.
OH, Love how potent is thy sway;
Thou'rt terrible indeed to most men!
But once a year there comes a day,
When thou tormentest chiefly postmen.
Oh, hard indeed the lot must be,
Of him who wears thy galling fetters!
But e'en more miserable he
Who must go round with all thy letters !

When at the door our vision greets
The postman, as he knocking stands;
The hearts of half-a-dozen streets,
Perchance he carries in his hands.

It seems a profanation quite,
That all the sentimental touches
Which lovers hit on when they write,
Should be within a postman's clutches.
Must the affections of the heart,
To trade with which no lover fancies,
Be then degraded to a part.
Of England's national finances P
Must all that love has fondly said,
Freely, with no reserve to cramp it,
Require a little square Queen's head
To give it currency and stamp it?

Must sentiment extremely fine
Be down the area rudely cast;
The postman bawling, Valentine!"
While in the act of going past ?
But love will lay the highest low,
Make some, despairing, seek the river
To drown themselves; while many a beau
At sight of Cupid's dart will quiver.
E2








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


SENTIMENTS FOR THE STAGE.
FOB A BRITISH TAR.
The lubber who would strike a lovely woman in distress is un-
worthy of the name of T. P. Cooke.
FOR A PRIMA DONNA.
Ah, Ferdinand! when treading the field of battle, when reaping
laurels for thy noble brow; when in the hour of triumph or of
revelry, thou art far from her who loves thee, still thou wilt think of
Carolina, and madly recollect, She wore a wreath of roses." Sings-
She wore a wreath of roses."
FOR LORD COLLINGWOOD AT ASTLEY'S.
Go, tell Admiral Tomkins to spare no time in bringing the
enemy's ships to surrender! Go, tell Ensign Sir Hildebrand Smith
instantly to board the 90-gun frigate; and let the memorable
words of our noble admiral ring with electric shouts through the
entire British fleet, that England expects every man this day will
do his duty."
FOR A HEROINE OF DOMESTIC DRAMA.
Take thy gold, base lord, and know that the heart which truly
loves, though beating in the humble breast of a housemaid, would
sooner die on the rack of the Inquisition first, than wear the velvet
robe of infamy. From my heart I spurn you.-[Th -ows purse at
his feet.]
FOR A GENEROUS BROKER.
Come dry up your tears, Missus; and as long as I have a crust,
or a roof, in the house, you are welcome to share it with me-for
the man who is not affected when a lovely woman cries is a heart-
less wretch, who deserves to walk through life branded with in-
famy.
FOR A CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN STEWARD.
Ah! that picture. It reminds me of a long-lost daughter. In
moments of darkness it has smiled upon me, and seemed to say,
"True happiness is in our own minds. It is not purchased by
riches, or dependent on fraud. It is only acquired by virtue, but
shrinks abashed from vice." Ah! the picture smiles again !
The eyes beam on me-the nostrils dilate-the mouth speaks-
everything counsels me to be good. Yes! I will return my ill-
begotten wealth, and henceforth strive to become that noblest work
of Nature, an honest man.-[Falls down before the picture and
weeps.]


1845.







1845.] 53


THE REASON FOR FUDDLING ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
I'VE often heard it asked by many,
Why on St. Patrick's Day
Poor Paddies will expend their only penny,
Moistening their thirsty clay:
There is no record that the saint was given
To that strong dew," which smacks of earth-not heaven.
Yet, stop!
'Tis said, in a profane effusion
Of some old villain,
That Patrick's mother, to the Saint's confusion,
Kept in Inniskillin
A sheebeen shop;
But this I honestly believe's abuse,
Invented by some faithless boozing sinner,
Who wanted anything as an excuse
To take his fourteenth tumbler after dinner.
The saint I'm certain was a saint devout,
Drinking the purling stream quite "cold without;"
In fact he'd taken the teetotal pledge:
For what cared he for whisky, port, or sherries,
Who ate his hunk of bacon neathh a hedge,
From which he plucked a poor dessert of berries ?
Because
Red hips and haws
Are not like filberts, and their attendant salt,
Those strong provocative to make men malt."
The only cause that I could e'er discover,
Why on the anniversary of ST. PAT.
Your true Milesian will get half-seas-over
(And sometimes more than that),
Is-and the reason's simpler than you think it-
Whilst any man,
Like Kinahan,
Brews L L whisky-somebody must drink it.




































THE DAY AFTER -"S Patricks Day in the morning:








54 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1845










MIL

















LONDON IMPROVEMENTS.
IMPROVEMENT, hail! Thy busy hand
To court or alley gives no quarter;
Against thee nothing now can stand;
Thou art too strong for bricks and mortar.

Before the parapets and tiles,
Houses and streets promiscuous fall;
Thou hast so altered old St. Giles,
Few now would know him, by St. Paul.

The gallant captains, Parry, Ross,
Each made the trial once or twice,
To take a desperate cut across
Some awful blocks of thick-ribbed ice.

No thoroughfare," did nature cry,
So Ross and Parry homewards flew:
London Improvement doth defy
Each cul de sac, and cuts it through.

At parlour, factory, or shop,
At public entrance, private door,
Or window e'en, it does not stop,
But rudely pushes more and more.

Improvement, too, performs a task,
Worthy a scientific hand;
Turns sand into the sugar cask,
Thus into sugar turning sand.







I845.J


OPENING OF THE ROYAL EXCHANGE.

DAYs have been often big with fate,
But ne'er was day so big of yore,
As the October twenty-eight,
In eighteen hundred forty-four.
That day will memorable be,
When taken in by history's range;
For on it thousands went to see
Victoria open the Exchange.
Serene was the morning,
And plenty of gravel
Was spread on the road
Which the Queen had to travel.
Busy policemen far and wide
Were spread upon the pavement's side;
Who oft the truncheon bravely drew
'Gainst those who would the line break through.
At length her Majesty appears,
Amid enthusiastic cheers;
There's not a gossamer or beaver
But what is waving to receive her.
Her dress was satin rich and rare,
A silver tissue, neat but splendid,-
The sleeves were short; and from the hair
Two matchless brilliant were suspended.
A riband o'er her shoulder hung,
Of costly jewels was the border;
To which with graceful ease was slung
The star that marks the Garter's Order.
Prince Albert, at her side, was dressed
In uniform without a crease,
While carelessly across his breast
Was thrown the Order of the Fleece.
Chamberlain, Master of the Horse,
Were present, as a matter of course.
Assist me, Muses, while I throw
The whole procession into verse:
For metre hath an easy flow,
And poetry is always terse.
Lifeguards sent on before to clear the ways,
First carriage drawn by half a dozen bays,
Containing Usher of the Sword of State,
The Exon of the Yeomen of the Guard,
Usher of Privy Chamber, Page to wait,
Each thought himself, no doubt, a wondrous "card."







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


Carriage the second, drawn by bays as well,
With Lord and Groom in Waiting on the Prince,
And Silver Stick,-such an alarming swell,
He's spoken scarce to anybody since.
Third carriage, drawn by bays again,
Which did a splendid load contain:
The Treasurer of the Household he was one;
Was it supposed any might dare to dun P
'Tis prudent of her Majesty, though funny,
Always to go about well stocked with money.
Fourth carriage-bays again-had for its freight
Four of the minor officers of State.
In carriage five-drawn by bays also, six,
There sits at ease the costliest of sticks-
Gold Stick, of course, is meant; and Norfolk's earl
Sits opposite a very pretty girl,-
A Maid of Honour; while on t' other side
A Woman of the Bedchamber doth ride.
Carriage the sixth is drawn along
By six black horses large and strong;
That carriage ample seats affords
Unto two ladies and two lords.
Now follow Yeomen of the Guard,
Now Footmen, four and four;
Now the state coach, with Grooms right hard
Against the wheels and door-
In fact, there is, without a joke,
A footman placed at every spoke.
Within the coach a form is seen;
It is Her Majesty the Queen!
Who seems extremely puzzled how
To keep upon the constant bow.
Prince Albert vainly at her side
Attempts the labour to divide;
He shows that he is nothing loth
To make obeisances for both.
But no the people wish the two
To join in a grand bow de deue.
And thus Her Majesty the Queen,
Like to a Chinese mandarin,
Is forced to keep her head in action
Throughout the entire city's range :
Great must have been her satisfaction
To find some prospect of a 'Change!


[1845-




































LADY DAY Old & New Style.










ODE TO FASHION.

OH, Fashion! it were vain, indeed,
To try your wondrous flights to follow;
Onward at such a pace you speed,
Beating the Belle Assemblge hollow.
One moment hovering on our coats,
To change the cutting of the skirts;
Then with rude grasp you seize our throats,
Altering the collars of our shirts.
Now trimming up with ribands gay,
And flowers as well, a lady's bonnet;
Then with rude hand tearing away
Each bit of finery upon it.
Shrouding one day the arm from sight,
In sleeve so large that six might share it,
And making it next month so tight
'Tis scarcely possible to bear it.
Upon a lady's dress, again,
With arbitrary hand it pounces;
Making it one day meanly plain,
Then idly loading it with flounces.
But one of Fashion's worst attacks,
By which mankind she most ill-uses,
Has been in dooming us to sacks,
From Taglionis down to blouses.
I'd rather wear the shaggy coat,
That hangs upon the heedless heifer,
Than what I've seen at door-posts float,
As a Gent's Fashionable Zephyr."
Then, fickle Fashion, fare thee well,
To follow thee I'll not endeavour;
The fabled frog should warn the swell,
My motto is-"highlows for ever."







THF COMIC ALMANACK.


SUPERIOR CRAFT-IN DOCK AKD OUT OF DOCK.


NOTE ON THE NAVAL FORCES OF GREAT BRITAIN.
BY A FRENCH ADMIRAL.
THIS note is avowedly designed as a companion to the pamphlet
of the Prince de Joinville, which was intended to show how easily
England might be taken by the French; but omitted to say how
the matter might have been taken by the English. The note is
written with the same exactitude as to facts, the same knowledge of
the subject, and the same spirit of candour by which all recent
French works on England have been distinguished. We give an
abridgement of the note, which, in its original state, is extremely
full, and at the same time particularly empty.
In looking at the state of the English marine, I turned my at-
tention to the depots for marine stores, which of course comprise
the whole of the naval resources of perfidious Albion. To judge
of the British marine from the state of the marine stores, nothing
can be more contemptible than the former, because nothing can be
more insignificant than the latter. I asked one of the manne-store
dealers how he would provision a man-of-war with beef for a long
voyage, and he had nothing to show me but a quantity of beef
bones, which he valued at five pounds for twopence. The English
sailors, it is well known, cannot fight unless they are maddened
with grog; and I looked over the marine-store dealer's establish-


[1845-







IZ45-J QUARTER DAY. 59

ment for the exciting liquid. I looked in vain; for he had only an
enormous quantity of empty bottles, some of which he told me he
had that day been purchasing. I must do the English the justice
to say that they provide well for the dressing of the wounds of their
sailors, for the marine stores include vast heaps of linen rags, some
of which I observed were brought from persons casually coming into
the depot to dispose of them.
Being desirous of avoiding any feeling of partiality or prejudice,
I determined not to be satisfied with a mere examination of the
stores, which must constitute the true strength of a nation's marine;
and I resolved to see her vessels afloat on the Thames, for which
purpose I made for the river. I made directly for Hungerford, one
of her richest ports, and found a considerable fleet of steamers,
several of which were manned, and at work, so that I could well
judge of their capabilities. They seemed for the most part well
officered, but there appeared a want of enthusiasm among the men;
and a great deal of quarrelling went on among the various captains,
which proves that the British navy is not in that state of union
which the English flag-the Jean d'Amitie, or Union Jack-is
emblematical of.
"Determined to give a fair trial to the merits of the British
marine, I asked of the perfidious Britons themselves which was the
best boat, and each began vociferating loudly the praises of the
vessels before me, on the deck of one of which, L'Homme pas
married (the Bachelor), I soon found myself. She hadno guns with
her, and when I asked the captain where they were, he laughed in
my face, knowing, of course that the French Cabinet would submit
to any humiliation rather than undertake a war with his, the
captain of the Bachelor's, Government. At Chelsea, which is to
London what Havre is to us, there was a flotilla of two vessels, and
there was a great deal of small craft lying about, which as I passed
appeared to assume an insolent attitude. On leaving the vessel I
was made to produce a portion of the ship's papers, which I had
been made to hold in my possession, and pay fourpence for before
I was permitted even to embark on board the vessel. If England
still avoids a war it is not the superiority of her craft, which is
wretched enough, but it is something more than her craft-it is her
astounding cunning."



QUARTER DAY.
(Communicated by the late Capt. Herbert Reginald De Courcy.)
In some remote parts of England there exists an absurd notion,
that tenants are bound by some obsolete law to pay rent four times
a year. As I always entertained very opposite opinions on matters
of -Dr. and Cr. to the mercantile portion of my fellow-creatures
(having entered the army at the early age of sixteen), I was pre-







IZ45-J QUARTER DAY. 59

ment for the exciting liquid. I looked in vain; for he had only an
enormous quantity of empty bottles, some of which he told me he
had that day been purchasing. I must do the English the justice
to say that they provide well for the dressing of the wounds of their
sailors, for the marine stores include vast heaps of linen rags, some
of which I observed were brought from persons casually coming into
the depot to dispose of them.
Being desirous of avoiding any feeling of partiality or prejudice,
I determined not to be satisfied with a mere examination of the
stores, which must constitute the true strength of a nation's marine;
and I resolved to see her vessels afloat on the Thames, for which
purpose I made for the river. I made directly for Hungerford, one
of her richest ports, and found a considerable fleet of steamers,
several of which were manned, and at work, so that I could well
judge of their capabilities. They seemed for the most part well
officered, but there appeared a want of enthusiasm among the men;
and a great deal of quarrelling went on among the various captains,
which proves that the British navy is not in that state of union
which the English flag-the Jean d'Amitie, or Union Jack-is
emblematical of.
"Determined to give a fair trial to the merits of the British
marine, I asked of the perfidious Britons themselves which was the
best boat, and each began vociferating loudly the praises of the
vessels before me, on the deck of one of which, L'Homme pas
married (the Bachelor), I soon found myself. She hadno guns with
her, and when I asked the captain where they were, he laughed in
my face, knowing, of course that the French Cabinet would submit
to any humiliation rather than undertake a war with his, the
captain of the Bachelor's, Government. At Chelsea, which is to
London what Havre is to us, there was a flotilla of two vessels, and
there was a great deal of small craft lying about, which as I passed
appeared to assume an insolent attitude. On leaving the vessel I
was made to produce a portion of the ship's papers, which I had
been made to hold in my possession, and pay fourpence for before
I was permitted even to embark on board the vessel. If England
still avoids a war it is not the superiority of her craft, which is
wretched enough, but it is something more than her craft-it is her
astounding cunning."



QUARTER DAY.
(Communicated by the late Capt. Herbert Reginald De Courcy.)
In some remote parts of England there exists an absurd notion,
that tenants are bound by some obsolete law to pay rent four times
a year. As I always entertained very opposite opinions on matters
of -Dr. and Cr. to the mercantile portion of my fellow-creatures
(having entered the army at the early age of sixteen), I was pre-







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


paring on the 25th of June, 18-, to avail myself of the loveliest
moonlight night that I ever witnessed, to transport the few valuables
that several years of half-pay had left me, when I was presented
with a short note from the sheriff of Middlesex, in which the worthy
functionary expressed a strong desire to avail himself of any trifles
I might possess to the amount of 481. 98. 6d.
This circumstance so utterly disgusted me with the world that I
determined to put an end to my existence, and havinggcommunicated
my intention to my wife, she not only concurred in the policy of my
determination, but expressed her willingness to assist me in its
perpetration. It was to the hands of that once-excellent woman
that I owe as respectable a death as ever terminated the chequered
life of a captain of Foot, for on the 18th of July, 18-, the following
announcement appeared in the Times newspaper, under the head of
"Deaths:"-
"On the 16th ult., of decline, Captain Herbert Reginald de
Courcy, of the Regiment of Foot. His loss will not be easily
supplied in the corps, of which he was a distinguished and respected
member. He served a considerable time at Birmingham, where he
was quartered for eight months."
The next day I laid aside my wig, shaved off my moustachios,
and removed a false front tooth, which I had worn since infancy,
and the metamorphosis was so complete, that having one day im-
prudently ventured into the park, a tailor, to whom I was indebted
a considerable sum, actually inquired of me the way to the Colosseum.
Mrs. Captain de Courcy shortly after obtained her pension as an
officer's widow, and for some years I enjoyed my ghosthood without
a single unpleasant interruption; but
This world is but a fleeting show,
For man's delusion given;
There's nothing certain here below"
but death and quarter-day. About a month ago I discovered that
Mrs. Captain De Courcy had presumed upon my decease, and actu-
ally considered herself in a state of widowhood, for ever since she
has admitted to her table a very uncomfortably good-looking fellow,
of the name of Briggs. What can I do P She defies me to interfere.
I am only her cousin from Yorkshire. Should I say a word, the
authorities at the War Office might object that I was "returned
killed" by a decline, and possibly be mercenary enough to deprive
me of my hard-earned pension. Again, I say, what am I to do P
As an officer and a gentleman, I ought to resent the injury. I will
-I swear it, come what may-I will throw off the mask. I will
kick Briggs, and uphold the honour of my profession, but not till
this day has passed, for this (I blush while I write it), this is
quarter-day, and I can't afford it.







L L~tte, S/Q rinffM^r Ato c/w; An^s r C so^-teysi ,%
,weL ^ f( -^l^ ers -rS
Sa- U Sf^ ya ^ v o y in Mnewrv.. J.
,A-r^ v ahtW A ay^va&r. f-efdt


THE SPRING QUARTER.







1845.]


SPRING: AFTER THOMSON.
A POEM on Spring I could indite,
Through a whole canto I could run it;
But then I feel 'tis useless quite,
For Thomson has already done it.
He's worked the subject through and through,
Looked at it under all its phases;
Yes, he's drained dry the very dew,
And threadbare he has worn the daisies.

Each little flower he's made his own,
Not one to future bards resigning;
From buttercup, that stands alone,
To jasmine round a door-post twining.
To try on such a theme to sing
Were only labour lost indeed;
So well has Thomson touched the Spring,
Succeeding poets can't succeed.

Shall I describe the tender bean,
Turning its head with caution round,
As if half-fearful to be seen
Bursting so early from the ground?
Or shall I sing the parsley mild,
Nipped by the cold autumnal frost;
Like a well-meaning forward child,
In its advances sternly crossed ?

No! let me inspiration seek
Where villagers, in cheerful clump,
With health bedecking ev'ry cheek,
Are clustering round the local pump.
That pump which, e'en as memory's tear
Gives freshness to a heart that's saddish,
By pouring out its liquid clear,
Revives once more the drooping radish.

Or shall I sing that nice spring-van,
By pleasure-parties often sought,
When they're in treaty with a man
To drive them down to Hampton Court F
To-day a cargo of the fair,
To-morrow moving goods its duty;
That van must its allegiance share
'Twixt furniture and female beauty.







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


THE BLIGHTED ASH.

A STORY OF A SEARED BOSOM.

IT was May the merry month of May, and bees from flower to
flower did melodiously hum, when a traveller, wrapped in an old
weather-stricken Macintosh, wound down the little hill that enters
the little village of Somerton. The old clock had just struck the
hour of sunset, and the lark retired to his nest; the screech-owl was
beginning to tune his voice for his nocturnal screeching; while the
bat, wrapped in contemplation, kept his keen eye steadily fixed on
the setting sun, which had begun to gild the highest peak of the'
distant mountains. Alas it is ever thus: man in his haughty
pride, like the mountain holding its head high above those by
which it is surrounded, only acknowledges the smile when it is too
late to take advantage of the warmth; or, to use a more homely
illustration, we cherish the ray, though we may have neglected the
meridian.
By this time the stranger had reached the bottom of the hill, and
in a few minutes he was seated before a foaming tankard of ginger-
beer, and a generous plate of captain's biscuits, in the parlour of
the little hostelry of Somerton. The host of the Blighted Ash "-
such was the name of the hostelry-was a man a little above the
middle stature, with firmly-knit knees, a pair of shoulders slightly
rounded, a forehead bronzed by repeated exposure to an autumn
sun, a capacious chest, and an upper lip with that peculiar curl
which is the sure sign of native aristocracy. The traveller eyed him
with searching interest, and the landlord returned glance for glance,
as he replenished the invigorating pot, at the desire of his customer.
At length the latter invited the former to partake of his cheer, and
the stranger having pushed the captain's biscuits towards the host
of the Blighted Ash," both of them fell into a profound silence,
which was only disturbed by the ticking of the clock, or the loud
laugh of revelry in another room in the hostelry.
Nearly an hour had elapsed, when the stranger, drawing his
chair close to that of his companion, looked steadily in his face, and
throwing off a flaxen wig, discovered a natural head of hair, in
which Rowland seemed to have combined with Oldridge, for the
hair displayed all the gloss of the Macassar, added to all the vigour
of the Balm of Columbia. It was but the work of an instant; and
in another moment the stranger was locked in the arms of the inn-
keeper, while the latter murmured out My son !" and the former
shrieked-" My father !"
*
Both of them, a few days afterwards, left the Blighted Ash,"
never to return; and many a legend did the village gossips relate,
of how the landlord of the Blighted Ash" at last found a balm
for his seared bosom.


[1845.
























~YW'~1


GOING TO ST PAUL'S.







i845.]


GOING TO ST. PAUL'S.
OH! 'tis a glorious sight to see
Those rosy little chaps,
Decked by the hand of charity,
In graceful muffin caps.

Yet wherefore place their calves so small
In unbecoming leathers,
Exposing their slight legs to all
Varieties of weathers ?

When looking at those slender legs,
We feel a thousand pangs,
To think how fragile are the pegs
On which existence hangs.

Sure one must have a heart of stone
Those urchins to abandon!
How little-were they left alone-
They'd have, alas to stand on.

The very cap they're doomed to wear,
Has cruel mockery in it;
Type of a luxury so rare
They ne'er can hope to win it.

'Twas mockery on those heads which placed
The emblem of the muffin;
A treat they can't expect to taste-
Those boys all born to nuffin.

Not Tantalus, who strove in vain
To grasp the luscious berry
(His fate suggested, 'tis quite plain,
The pastime of bob-cherry);

Not Tantalus was doomed to bear
More than those luckless chaps,
Who, muffinless, must ever wear
Those tempting muffin caps.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


A PANIC AT THE BANK.
IT was the 11th of November. It had been raining since three
o'clock. A thick fog enveloped London. Horses smoked, as if in
a terrible passion with the weather; and omnibuses rolled along,
breaking for once their daily custom of stopping at every lamp-
post on the way. I had a secret presentiment something strange
would happen.
St. Paul's struck one-two-three-four o'clock. I counted them
distinctly, one by one. They sounded like a death-knell. A dead
silence ensued, invaded only by the cries of Cl'pam M'l'end !"
that broke forth in fitful shouts from contending cads. I did not
feel well. I was leaning against a lamp-post at the corner of the
Bank-wet to the skin. My mind was very uneasy. I had that
day accepted a bill. I was vowing within myself never to accept
another, when a sudden noise-a fearful rush-recalled me to my
senses. I looked around, and saw a large stream of human beings
pouring, in fearful force, from the principal door of the Bank. Man
seemed league in enmity against man-clerk looked on fellow-clerk
with the lowering eyes of a malignant fiend. Their looks alarmed
me. Not a policeman was in sight! What should I do P Was the
Bank on fire ? I had no money there, still there are moments when
we can feel for others. It was like a human river broken from its
bank, carrying ruin and terror wherever it went. Could it be a
panic P I recollected my Julia had 5001. standing there in the suit-
able name of Smith. I dashed the drops of perspiration from my
fevered brow. I endeavoured to recollect myself. It was but one
effort. I determined, let it cost me what it would, to follow them
to the end.
There were full two hundred beings. They formed one unbroken,
moving mass. They were running, as if with one will, frantically
together. Their speed was unnatural. The rain only made them
run the faster. Not an umbrella had they amongst them. At last
they reached the corner. The clerks behind ran as if for their very
lives. I was alarmed, and ran after them, the agent of some mys-
terious fear. I lost sight of them for a moment. Again I saw
them-and, oh! what a scene presented itself to me! A band of at
least two hundred desperate clerks were struggling, fighting madly,
to get admission all into one omnibus. Their screams were dreadful.
One fat cashier was lying, dead or wounded, under the door-step,
bathed in mud. Another was shouting in agony, at the door, unable


[i845.








LINES WRITTEN IN A LADY'S ALBUM.


to work his way out or in. Twenty or thirty clerks were climbing,
to the imminent peril of their lives, on to the roof. At the same
time a severe engagement was taking place amongst a determined
dozen on the box, to decide by brutal force who should remain
master of the one seat. In the algebraical fraction of a minute
every place was invaded, and the omnibus rolled away before me,
like some frightful dream. How many lives were lost I cannot tell.
The subject was too painful to inquire into. I felt a degree of pity
for the pettiness of human nature, and had a strong glass of brandy-
and-water.
Never, as long as I live, shall I forget the 11th of November!
[This phenomenon, we have been told, is not so strange as it may appear. Let the
curious reader only be present at the Bank, on the first rainy day, when the clock
strikes four, and he will infallibly-should there be only one omnibus in waiting-
witness the same desperate struggle for places as occurred to our German-minded
correspondent on the memorable llth. It is a very amusing sport, we have bee.
told, to be a spectator (under an umbrella) of this animated clerk-race.]



LINES WRITTEN IN A LADY'S ALBUM.
BY THE LATE DANIEL LAMBERT.

ELLEn, I will not praise thine eyes,
Nor laud the beauties of thy cheek;
For I have grown into a size,
That ladies titter when I speak
Of love and vow they'll ne'er be won
By suitors weighing half a ton.

I will not sing of every spell
That decks thy form-thou'rt not for me;
For I've a voice that doth excel
A school-boy blowing in a key :
And lovely lips have o'er and o'er
Declared my singing quite a bore.

But let me breathe this fervent prayer,
That when to him thou hold'st most dear
Thou yield'st thine hand, oh! make him swear
To shun the wiles of bottled beer;
And, should he pause, then point me out,
And say-" Behold, that's horrid stout !"


i845.]








LINES WRITTEN IN A LADY'S ALBUM.


to work his way out or in. Twenty or thirty clerks were climbing,
to the imminent peril of their lives, on to the roof. At the same
time a severe engagement was taking place amongst a determined
dozen on the box, to decide by brutal force who should remain
master of the one seat. In the algebraical fraction of a minute
every place was invaded, and the omnibus rolled away before me,
like some frightful dream. How many lives were lost I cannot tell.
The subject was too painful to inquire into. I felt a degree of pity
for the pettiness of human nature, and had a strong glass of brandy-
and-water.
Never, as long as I live, shall I forget the 11th of November!
[This phenomenon, we have been told, is not so strange as it may appear. Let the
curious reader only be present at the Bank, on the first rainy day, when the clock
strikes four, and he will infallibly-should there be only one omnibus in waiting-
witness the same desperate struggle for places as occurred to our German-minded
correspondent on the memorable llth. It is a very amusing sport, we have bee.
told, to be a spectator (under an umbrella) of this animated clerk-race.]



LINES WRITTEN IN A LADY'S ALBUM.
BY THE LATE DANIEL LAMBERT.

ELLEn, I will not praise thine eyes,
Nor laud the beauties of thy cheek;
For I have grown into a size,
That ladies titter when I speak
Of love and vow they'll ne'er be won
By suitors weighing half a ton.

I will not sing of every spell
That decks thy form-thou'rt not for me;
For I've a voice that doth excel
A school-boy blowing in a key :
And lovely lips have o'er and o'er
Declared my singing quite a bore.

But let me breathe this fervent prayer,
That when to him thou hold'st most dear
Thou yield'st thine hand, oh! make him swear
To shun the wiles of bottled beer;
And, should he pause, then point me out,
And say-" Behold, that's horrid stout !"


i845.]







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


FINE ART DISTRIBUTION.
I'VE got a ticket, goodness, what a saving !
A guinea for a very fine engraving.
Ten shillings is its value-some say five;
But what of that ? the Fine Arts ought to thrive:
And if its real worth were but a shilling,
To patronize the arts all must be willing.
But of their eagerness, the best solution
Is the most gratifying fact,
That to the plate a chance is tacked
In some most promising Fine Art distribution.
How anxious all must feel,
At every circuit of the wheel,
When the reflection doth arise,
That one in several thousands gains a prize;
That prize a picture worth one hundred pounds!
According to the artist's estimate.
But when the critics come to judge, odd zounds!
They set it down at a much lower rate.
Art Unions have to all things been applied;
Twelfth-cakes, pianofortes, and Stilton cheese;
And fifty other articles beside,
Which could be made a pretext just to squeeze
A little money from the public pocket.
But now no more is to be got,
Parliament thought 'twas a bad lot,
And down one day accordingly did knock it.

GARDENING FOR LADIES.
THE MAMMA'S CALENDAR FOR JULY.
YouR daughters now demand your serious attention. Dress and
plant them in rows for evening parties. Weed poor relations. Sift
" Debrett's Peerage well through, and do your best to nail the oldest
branches. Lay traps for bets at races, and hoe young gentlemen
for gloves. Calculate the advantages of foreign, as compared with
English husbandry, and cultivate whichever promises to turn out
best. Remove younger daughters to the nursery, and towards the
30th transplant young sprigs to narrow beds at preparatory schools.
Cut your box at the opera, and look forward to spa watering for
the autumn. Trim your old man well, if he does not come out
handsomely: if the trimming should fail, forcing must be resorted
to. Put your frames in muslin bags, and cart away loose furniture
to the Pantechnicon. Graft slips on window-panes, labelled "To
Let," and harrow your servants with board wages. Clear out your
husband's purse, or if he is rather backward this year, transplant
him to back kitchen; and, screening yourselves from exposure, drill
policemen to say the family have gone out of town."


[1845-







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


FINE ART DISTRIBUTION.
I'VE got a ticket, goodness, what a saving !
A guinea for a very fine engraving.
Ten shillings is its value-some say five;
But what of that ? the Fine Arts ought to thrive:
And if its real worth were but a shilling,
To patronize the arts all must be willing.
But of their eagerness, the best solution
Is the most gratifying fact,
That to the plate a chance is tacked
In some most promising Fine Art distribution.
How anxious all must feel,
At every circuit of the wheel,
When the reflection doth arise,
That one in several thousands gains a prize;
That prize a picture worth one hundred pounds!
According to the artist's estimate.
But when the critics come to judge, odd zounds!
They set it down at a much lower rate.
Art Unions have to all things been applied;
Twelfth-cakes, pianofortes, and Stilton cheese;
And fifty other articles beside,
Which could be made a pretext just to squeeze
A little money from the public pocket.
But now no more is to be got,
Parliament thought 'twas a bad lot,
And down one day accordingly did knock it.

GARDENING FOR LADIES.
THE MAMMA'S CALENDAR FOR JULY.
YouR daughters now demand your serious attention. Dress and
plant them in rows for evening parties. Weed poor relations. Sift
" Debrett's Peerage well through, and do your best to nail the oldest
branches. Lay traps for bets at races, and hoe young gentlemen
for gloves. Calculate the advantages of foreign, as compared with
English husbandry, and cultivate whichever promises to turn out
best. Remove younger daughters to the nursery, and towards the
30th transplant young sprigs to narrow beds at preparatory schools.
Cut your box at the opera, and look forward to spa watering for
the autumn. Trim your old man well, if he does not come out
handsomely: if the trimming should fail, forcing must be resorted
to. Put your frames in muslin bags, and cart away loose furniture
to the Pantechnicon. Graft slips on window-panes, labelled "To
Let," and harrow your servants with board wages. Clear out your
husband's purse, or if he is rather backward this year, transplant
him to back kitchen; and, screening yourselves from exposure, drill
policemen to say the family have gone out of town."


[1845-












































HORTICULTURAL FATE








1845.]


THE HORTICULTURAL FATE.
THE morn was beautiful and bright,
The sun-that general adorner-
Was gilding with its glowing light
The iron rails at Hyde Park Corner.

The lodge beneath its radiance gleamed,-
Into some curds there shot a ray;
As if within the bowl it dreamed
To find on earth the milky whey.

Lured by the clearness of the sky,
A party, though the hour was late,
Resolved on ordering a fly,
To waft them to the Chiswick Fete.

And by those sympathetic chains
Few can describe, but each one owns,
The same idea had struck the Paynes,
Brown, Thompson, Edwards, Smith, and Jones.

Oh, sympathy thou hast the power
To make twelve hearts in concert throb;
And eke to give, within one hour,
Twelve different liv'rymen a job.

Thus did thine influence extend
(Explain it, ye who study physic);
Making a lot of parties send
For vehicles, to go to Chiswick.

No sooner had they reached the spot,
Than straight the sky is seen to lower;
And, like a curious watering-pot,
Pours down a most terrific shower.

The belles can't save their satin bows,
STheir silks are watered-how they scamper !
Fate on that feto unkindly throws
A sudden, but decisive damper.
r2







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


NOTES OF A CONTINENTAL TOUR,
IN THE SUMMER OF 1844.
BY SAMUEL SPOONER, ESQUIRE,
FELLOW OF THE ROYAL HUMANE SOCIETY, &C., &C.
HAPPENING to be at Ramsgate in the summer of 1844, and being
much out of spirits at the loss of 41. 10s. in raffles, for which I had
won a card-rack-my mind, by-the-bye, has been upon the rack
ever since-I determined on availing myself of an opportunity to
visit the Continent, which the starting of an excursion boat to
Calais on the following day held out to me.
I retired to my apartment at the hotel, and was soon wrapped in
the arms of Morpheus and a pair of Witney blankets, from both of
which I emerged at six, for our vessel was chartered to start pre-
cisely at seven. Having swallowed a hasty pint of shrimps and a
rapid plate of bread and butter, washed down by a cup of tolerable
Twankay, I threw my zephyr over my arm, lashed my hat to my
button-hole by a piece of string, and flung myself on to a camp
stool near the binnacle of the packet. Our captain was a thorough
tar, with a white hat and a cotton pocket-handkerchief. He had
served (as a witness) in the action between the Thunder and the
Bachelor, off Westminster Hall, and was continually quoting the
words of Nelson to the crew who acted under him. These consisted
of a steward, a stoker, a boy, and a common sailor; the steward
steering the ship, the common sailor taking the tickets on landing,
and the boy throwing the rope to the people on the pier at the
termination of each voyage. The gallant old captain, in quoting the
exclamation of the hero of the Nile, always interpolated two words
to adapt the invigorating sentence to the exigencies of his own
craft, and was continually shouting-
Englad expects that every man (and boy) this day will do his duty."
By this happy device of our captain the boy was inspired with the
same enthusiasm that animated the men, and the result was that
the captain was the idol of his little crew of mariners..
We left Ramsgate with a stiff hurricane all around us, steamingup
in the teeth of the wind, and a good biting breeze it seemed to promise
us. On getting outside the harbour, we lurched up to the right,
then tumbled over to the left, and pitched heavily with the vessel's
head smack into the wave, as if, like a thirsty bird, she was dipping
down into the sea to take a deep drink of it. Several of the pas-
sengers performed the same extraordinary manoeuvre, and I threw
myself in helpless misery flat on the deck, where I continued to roll
backwards and forwards between the mast and an iron grating
which covered the part of the vessel containing the machinery. I
had little opportunity of cultivating the acquaintance of my fellow-
passengers, one or two of whom occasionally tumbled over me, and


LI845.







1845.] MUTUAL PLATE PRESENTATION. 69

I hoped if I ever tumbled over either of them in after life, that it
would be under more favourable auspices. The chief part of the
voyage was passed by me in a state of unconsciousness, and I was
roused from a sort of swoon by the information that we had arrived
at the mouth of Calais harbour, which there would be no possi-
bility of entering. After beating about for a space of time that I
subsequently ascertained was four hours, though it had appeared
to me about forty, we put back, and hopped, skipped, jumped,
toppled, sidled, ambled, pitched, tossed, and tumbled over the briny
deep-a great deal too deep for me to trust it again-into the harbour
of Ramsgate. After getting safely on shore we all began to abuse
the captain; but the jolly old tar, placing his thumb on the end of
his nose, gave a puff at his cigar, and went below to his dinner.
One of the party, a London attorney, who had come to Ramsgate
in pursuit of health and a runaway cognovit, threatened the pro-
prietors of the packet with an action for not taking us to Calais,
according to agreement; but he had no sooner served process on
the agent than he was referred to the little words Weather per-
mitting," at the bottom of the bill announcing the intended landing
at Calais. This made all the difference in the contract, for the
words should have been Weather or no," in order to sustain the
threatened action.

PROSPECTUS OF THE
MUTUAL PLATE PRESENTATION AND FRIENDLY
TESTIMONIAL ASSOCIATION.
THE principle of plate presentation has never yet been thoroughly
understood, or, at all events, it has never been completely and satis-
factorily acted on. The great advantage of obtaining credit for
public and private virtues through the medium of inscriptions on
cups and snuff-boxes cannot be too seriously or emphatically
insisted on. It is therefore proposed that a society should be
formed on the plan of the United Brothers, the Associated Sons of
Harmonious Freedom, and other similar institutions, the object of
the projectors being the presentation of testimonials in honour of
the private and public virtues of the various members.
It is proposed to issue ten thousand shares of one pound each,
one shilling deposit being paid at the time of allotment. The holder
of ten shares will be entitled to a snuff-box on the death of his wife,
with an inscription eulogistic of his virtues as a tender husband."
On the death of each child he will receive a pencil-case, with a brief
allusion to his qualities as the "best of fathers;" and on the
decease of himself, his widow will be presented with a tooth-pick in
albata, having a consolatory motto engraved on the back of it.
Applications for shares to be made at the offices of the Electro-
Mosaic-Nickel Continental and Birmingham Gold and Silver Esta-
blishment, 0, Houndsditch.







1845.] MUTUAL PLATE PRESENTATION. 69

I hoped if I ever tumbled over either of them in after life, that it
would be under more favourable auspices. The chief part of the
voyage was passed by me in a state of unconsciousness, and I was
roused from a sort of swoon by the information that we had arrived
at the mouth of Calais harbour, which there would be no possi-
bility of entering. After beating about for a space of time that I
subsequently ascertained was four hours, though it had appeared
to me about forty, we put back, and hopped, skipped, jumped,
toppled, sidled, ambled, pitched, tossed, and tumbled over the briny
deep-a great deal too deep for me to trust it again-into the harbour
of Ramsgate. After getting safely on shore we all began to abuse
the captain; but the jolly old tar, placing his thumb on the end of
his nose, gave a puff at his cigar, and went below to his dinner.
One of the party, a London attorney, who had come to Ramsgate
in pursuit of health and a runaway cognovit, threatened the pro-
prietors of the packet with an action for not taking us to Calais,
according to agreement; but he had no sooner served process on
the agent than he was referred to the little words Weather per-
mitting," at the bottom of the bill announcing the intended landing
at Calais. This made all the difference in the contract, for the
words should have been Weather or no," in order to sustain the
threatened action.

PROSPECTUS OF THE
MUTUAL PLATE PRESENTATION AND FRIENDLY
TESTIMONIAL ASSOCIATION.
THE principle of plate presentation has never yet been thoroughly
understood, or, at all events, it has never been completely and satis-
factorily acted on. The great advantage of obtaining credit for
public and private virtues through the medium of inscriptions on
cups and snuff-boxes cannot be too seriously or emphatically
insisted on. It is therefore proposed that a society should be
formed on the plan of the United Brothers, the Associated Sons of
Harmonious Freedom, and other similar institutions, the object of
the projectors being the presentation of testimonials in honour of
the private and public virtues of the various members.
It is proposed to issue ten thousand shares of one pound each,
one shilling deposit being paid at the time of allotment. The holder
of ten shares will be entitled to a snuff-box on the death of his wife,
with an inscription eulogistic of his virtues as a tender husband."
On the death of each child he will receive a pencil-case, with a brief
allusion to his qualities as the "best of fathers;" and on the
decease of himself, his widow will be presented with a tooth-pick in
albata, having a consolatory motto engraved on the back of it.
Applications for shares to be made at the offices of the Electro-
Mosaic-Nickel Continental and Birmingham Gold and Silver Esta-
blishment, 0, Houndsditch.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


GOLDEN RULES FOR MENDICANTS.
1. ALwAYs carry a box of lucifers in your hand. It is the JEgis
of a beggar's life, and shields him from the invasion of policemen.
2. Never be lame and blind together in the same town. One
infirmity at a time is enough for the coldest sympathy.
3. Run sedulously after Quakers and fat ladies, especially if you
have with you at the time a wife and a large family.
4. Never fail to sing out well in cold weather. If you have three
or four little boys and girls, of mixed sizes, to sing with you, all the
better. Always choose the middle of the street to give effect to
your voices.
5. You must be "frozen out" regularly ever winter, and mount
duty in the streets, with a pitchfork, tipped with a cabbage, over
your shoulder.
6. Your costume in each season must be the opposite of that
usually worn; that is to say, during the winter, a pair of very thin
trousers and a corazza will be all you require. Shiver violently, and
chatter your teeth as often as a person passes you. A sailor's hat,
striped shirt, and canvas trousers, are not bad in a country town.
.7. Mind, in your orations, you "haven't tasted food for three
days," and make a practice of picking up bones, or old crusts, out
of the gutter, and gnawing them, if there is any one looking at you.
8. Never be too modest, if any one has relieved you, to ask for
"an old coat, or a pair of old shoes." Recollect, Holywell Street is
not too proud to purchase the most worthless of wearing apparel.
9. Take care, if you are deaf and dumb, not to answer any one.
Suffer yourself to be taken into custody rather than notice the im-
pertinent questions of an officer of the Mendicity Society.
10. Take care of long crossings, if you are very lame. It is ex-
tremely unpleasant, as well as infra dig., to carry your crutches and
run all of a sudden, if you happen to have at your heels a mad
bull or a racing omnibus.
11. Chalk writing is unprofitable, and belongs to the old school.
If you are driven to it, don't mind about spelling incorrectly, and
be sure you are starving." Quiet spots, like Gower Street or
Russell Square, are the best markets for this branch of the pro-
fession. In great thoroughfares you will have your fresco or cali-
graphy rubbed out by every unfeeling passer-by, and be obliged
ultimately to walk your chalks."


[1845.








































SUMMER-Y JUSTICE The heat of argument







i845.]


SUMMERY JUSTICE.
MAY it please your ludships, Edward Thomson owns
Two small estates-one let on lease to Jones.
To admit the eldest son I hold is fair-
[Usher, I wish you would let in the air.]
It was the intention of the first testator-
[Who's stopped the working of that ventilator ?]
I've searched the books, and it is there laid down,
On the authority of Smith v. Brown,
That legatees may reasonably enter-
[Open that other window in the centre.]
It is decided in the Term reports,
And 'tis, in fact, allowed in all the courts,
That vested interests go with the land-
[This heat is really more than I can stand.]
We cannot shut our eyes, if so inclined-
[The sun's too dazzling, pray pull down that blind.]
I warmly urge the infant ought to take it-
[That square of glass wont open; Usher, break it.]
The tenant's liable for all repairs-
[We may all melt, for what that Usher cares.]
The mortgagee's demand must end in smoke-
[I'm positively roasting.] vide Coke;
The rights of justice still I must maintain,
See Carrington-[Pray, Usher, break that Payne.]
I trust your ludships will not yet determine,
While neathh the weight of your judicial ermine,
Your judgment 'twere impossible to school;
Your ludships can't, I'm sure, just now, be cool:
To ask you to decide were simple mummery,
For in the dog-days justice is too summery.


OCCUPATIONS OF THE PEOPLE.
THE returns under this head are extremely interesting, and some
curious calculations may be made from them. It appears that there
is, in England and Wales, about one lawyer to four lunatics; thus
giving him a chance of at least a couple of clients. The tables are,
however, very incomplete; for we find no account of the number of
omnibus cads, who are lumped under the head of other educated
persons." We presume that convicts come home from transporta-
tion are included among persons returned as independent.







[1845.


THE COMIC ALMANAC.


RULES FOR MEDICAL STUDENTS WALKING
THE STREETS.
TAKE as much room on the pavement as you possibly can: if you
are with four or five friends, walk all arm-in-arm together. Don't
make way for a lady; the road is plenty wide enough for her. Joke
smartly with the cabmen, and hail every omnibus which is passing,
and then walk a different way. Ask each policeman How's G
149 ?" and enter into playful conversation with every beggar who
asks you for a penny. Enter newspaper shops to inquire the price
of the Penny Magazine," and stop outside cookshops to imitate the
action of the carver. Shriek out Lur-li-e-ty" as often as you
please, and compliment cooks and housemaids standing at area-
gates. Stop private carriages to inquire if they are "hired," and
tap stout gentlemen on the off shoulder to enjoy their surprise when
they turn round and see no one there. Buy baked potatoes in the
street to keep your hands warm, and play at catchball with them as
you go along. Pelt dogs with stones, or anything else you can get;
and cry Balloon" when there is none. Converse freely with old
clothesmen, and laugh openly at persons in distress. Stare young
ladies out of countenance, and quiz aged people on their very
juvenile looks. Ring bells vigorously as you go home of an
evening, and rattle your stick violently against the area-railings,
taking good care to remove all pewter pots that may be hanging on
them.


HISTORICAL QUESTIONS:
X LA MANGNALL.
WHEN was ginger-beer first invented ?
In whose reign did the British highlow first come into use ?
Who built the Elephant and Castle?
Who was the originator of the arrangement which placed "a
sandwich and a glass of ale for fourpence" within the reach of the
whole population of London ?
When was the House of Hanover first brought over to England,
and what is its present address ?
'When was the fantail first worn, and by whom ?
What were policemen invented for ?
In whose reign was the unicorn attached to the British arms P
When was the Battle of the Constitution fought in the Registra-
t'on Courts ?
Upon what occasion did policemen first wear Berlin gloves?
Who was the last of the outlaws, and state a few of the actions
in which he distinguished himself?







[1845.


THE COMIC ALMANAC.


RULES FOR MEDICAL STUDENTS WALKING
THE STREETS.
TAKE as much room on the pavement as you possibly can: if you
are with four or five friends, walk all arm-in-arm together. Don't
make way for a lady; the road is plenty wide enough for her. Joke
smartly with the cabmen, and hail every omnibus which is passing,
and then walk a different way. Ask each policeman How's G
149 ?" and enter into playful conversation with every beggar who
asks you for a penny. Enter newspaper shops to inquire the price
of the Penny Magazine," and stop outside cookshops to imitate the
action of the carver. Shriek out Lur-li-e-ty" as often as you
please, and compliment cooks and housemaids standing at area-
gates. Stop private carriages to inquire if they are "hired," and
tap stout gentlemen on the off shoulder to enjoy their surprise when
they turn round and see no one there. Buy baked potatoes in the
street to keep your hands warm, and play at catchball with them as
you go along. Pelt dogs with stones, or anything else you can get;
and cry Balloon" when there is none. Converse freely with old
clothesmen, and laugh openly at persons in distress. Stare young
ladies out of countenance, and quiz aged people on their very
juvenile looks. Ring bells vigorously as you go home of an
evening, and rattle your stick violently against the area-railings,
taking good care to remove all pewter pots that may be hanging on
them.


HISTORICAL QUESTIONS:
X LA MANGNALL.
WHEN was ginger-beer first invented ?
In whose reign did the British highlow first come into use ?
Who built the Elephant and Castle?
Who was the originator of the arrangement which placed "a
sandwich and a glass of ale for fourpence" within the reach of the
whole population of London ?
When was the House of Hanover first brought over to England,
and what is its present address ?
'When was the fantail first worn, and by whom ?
What were policemen invented for ?
In whose reign was the unicorn attached to the British arms P
When was the Battle of the Constitution fought in the Registra-
t'on Courts ?
Upon what occasion did policemen first wear Berlin gloves?
Who was the last of the outlaws, and state a few of the actions
in which he distinguished himself?







1845.]


CHINESE PROVERBS,
DRAWN FROM BO-HE AND SUE-CHONG.
NEVER do anything hastily: remember it is the last cup of tea
which is the strongest.
Be not too prodigal: the kettle when too full puts out the fire.
A little scandal is to tea what an olive is to wine.
Butter not your bread on both sides, lest in your old age you be
left without bread to butter.
It is a wise washerwoman who knows her own twankay.
Measure your green according to your black.
Happy is he who can take the rough with the smooth-the
strong hyson with the fine pearl gunpowder.
Delays are dangerous: remember the hottest toast.will get cold
by standing.


REASONS FOR CLOSING ATTORNEYS' OFFICES
AT SIX.
THE lawyers' clerks, having been bitten by the linendrapers'
shopmen, have caught the fashionable mania for shutting up at
six," in order to give them time for that mental cultivation which
filling up writs, attending before the Master, and copying bills of
costs, are not likely to facilitate.
At a recent meeting of some influential articled clerks, and a
numerous body of common-law journeymen, the following reso-
lutions, embodying reasons for closing attorneys' offices at six,
were unanimously agreed to :-
1. That the study of history is conducive to the cultivation of the mind.
That the performances at Astley's begin at half-past six, and it is de-
sirable that the clerks who are anxious to profit by the dramatic repre-
sentation of the great historical events of our own time, should have an
opportunity of doing so.
"2. That it is perfectly true the Cider Cellars and the Coal Hole (where
the noblest study of mankind, which is universally allowed to be man, can
be effectually carried on) do not present many attractive features till after
nine in the evening. That, nevertheless, the cigar divans are in full
operation before that hour; and it is therefore expedient that six should be
the time appointed f.r the cessation of business.
3. That stout and devilled kidneys, when introduced into the animal
system too late at night, are liable to impede the action of the digestive







1845.]


CHINESE PROVERBS,
DRAWN FROM BO-HE AND SUE-CHONG.
NEVER do anything hastily: remember it is the last cup of tea
which is the strongest.
Be not too prodigal: the kettle when too full puts out the fire.
A little scandal is to tea what an olive is to wine.
Butter not your bread on both sides, lest in your old age you be
left without bread to butter.
It is a wise washerwoman who knows her own twankay.
Measure your green according to your black.
Happy is he who can take the rough with the smooth-the
strong hyson with the fine pearl gunpowder.
Delays are dangerous: remember the hottest toast.will get cold
by standing.


REASONS FOR CLOSING ATTORNEYS' OFFICES
AT SIX.
THE lawyers' clerks, having been bitten by the linendrapers'
shopmen, have caught the fashionable mania for shutting up at
six," in order to give them time for that mental cultivation which
filling up writs, attending before the Master, and copying bills of
costs, are not likely to facilitate.
At a recent meeting of some influential articled clerks, and a
numerous body of common-law journeymen, the following reso-
lutions, embodying reasons for closing attorneys' offices at six,
were unanimously agreed to :-
1. That the study of history is conducive to the cultivation of the mind.
That the performances at Astley's begin at half-past six, and it is de-
sirable that the clerks who are anxious to profit by the dramatic repre-
sentation of the great historical events of our own time, should have an
opportunity of doing so.
"2. That it is perfectly true the Cider Cellars and the Coal Hole (where
the noblest study of mankind, which is universally allowed to be man, can
be effectually carried on) do not present many attractive features till after
nine in the evening. That, nevertheless, the cigar divans are in full
operation before that hour; and it is therefore expedient that six should be
the time appointed f.r the cessation of business.
3. That stout and devilled kidneys, when introduced into the animal
system too late at night, are liable to impede the action of the digestive








74 THE COMIC ALMANACLK [1845.

organs, and impair the intellectual faculties, thus depriving the employer of
the full benefit of the clerk's shrewdness and activity. It is, therefore, of
the last importance that, by an early release from business, the stout and
kidneys may be absorbed by the gastric juices, and the gases given off, by
evaporation, in sufficient time to enable the clerk to devote a isens sana in
corpore sano by ten o'clock in the morning, to the best interests of his
principal.
"4. That the Surrey Zoological Gardens afford opportunities for the study
of natural history, which can only be followed up by daylight. That the
habits of the bear, the tiger, and other animals, cannot be said to be without
interest to an attorney's clerk; and that the knowledge of how certain savage
creatures secure their prey may hereafter be of great service in the practice
of the legal profession. It is consequently obvious that the lawyers' clerks
should be enabled to profit by so valuable a lesson.
5. That the shooting galleries are seldom open after eight, and that the
knowledge of the use of powder and shot is essential to a lawyer, as he will
often be called upon by a client to decide whether a defendant is worth the
articles alluded to.
6. That there are many other occasions when, by an early closing of
the office, the lawyer's clerk will have an opportunity of being present
at some-




//. '








'''Il


r -


BRITISH ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF SCIENCE.







































STIRRING UP TH GREAT FIRE OF LONDON.
STIRRING UP THfE GREAT FIRE OF LONDON.







j845.]


THE GREAT FIRE OF LONDON.
AMONG the events for which the past year will for ever remain
a marked twelvemonth on the page of history, is the Great Fire of
London, which broke out, for a considerable period, three nights
every week, as a public prediction had declared it should, regularly,
till further notice.
We are fortunately enabled to give the particulars of this great
conflagration on the occasion of one of its grandest eruptions. It
commenced a little after dusk, and there can now exist no doubt
that it was the work of more than one incendiary.
Flames were distinctly seen to issue from one of the windows of
Old St. Paul's (which seemed to have been renovated only to be re-
consumed). They evidently proceeded from a torch, which, we are
assured, was applied by a man in a seal-skin cap.
No less than three individuals were observed, busy in assisting
the progress of the flames, by tossing ignited straw, &c., about with
pitchforks. The glare distinctly revealed their shirt sleeves, thus
proving them to be without coats: but, owing to the confusion, their
faces were not identified.
The devouring element was brought, by a lad in a short jacket
(said to have been out at elbows), with aid of a lighted stick, into
contact with the touch-hole of a howitzer, which exploded with a
loud noise. This proceeding was frequently repeated during the
evening,-it is believed out of mere wantonness. The same heart-
less principle induced others to throw squibs, crackers, and other
fireworks into the blazing ruins.
Neither the crowd nor the attendant policemen offered in the
smallest degree to interfere. The cries and shouting of the multitude
were tremendous, but seemed to partake of an exulting character.
By a little past ten o'clock the flames got under, apparently of
their own accord; and, though several towers and steeples had been
seen to fall with a tremendous crash, which was heightened by the
frequent tocsin of gongs and the explosion of artillery, little damage
is imagined to have been done, the destruction having principally
extended to the fireworks and other combustibles already mentioned.
The motive assigned for this act of incendiarism is sheer self-
interest on the part of the perpetrators, who received a shilling
a head from people who came to witness it. The fiendish project, we
fear, was crowned with the most complete success.







[1845


THE COMIC ALMANACK.


THE CONTEST FOR AN ALDERMANIC GOWN.

A CERTAIN alderman, well known in town,
'Twas rumoured had at last resigned his gown;
Report was right, denial had been vain,
That gown, just like the gentle Desdemona,
Had oft been made to turn and turn again
And still go on, by its too thrifty owner.
At length it had become disgraceful truly;
Upon economy no more he stands,
But taking off his gown, resigns it duly
Into the livery's (that's his footman's) hands.
The livery servant looks into the street,-
He sees two dealers in old clothes come down;
Shouts he, "I will invite them to compete
For this now vacant aldermanic gown."
They poll against each other; one is willing
To give, but not to go beyond, a shilling:
The other puts it to the livery's sense,
By tendering on the instant thirteen pence.
They wrangle, and their offers slowly raise,
Till at the self-same figure both remain;
The choice the anxious livery dismays,
The vacant gown which of them ought to gain.
At length it strikes the livery-of the two,
The one that wears three hats must be a Jew:
Unto the other is the gown decreed,
The livery saying he is left no choice,-
In fact, he's quite without a voice:
He is, indeed!
The corporation having laid it down
No Jew shall have the aldermanic gown.







1845.]


ANTIPATHIES OF REMARKABLE CHARACTERS.
ALMosT every person who has lived in history has had some
particular antipathy. Julius Cresar couldn't eat a periwinkle, and
Alexander always fainted at the sight of a blackbeetle.
Chaucer would be unwell for days if he heard the cry of
"mackerel!" and Spenser never saw a leg of mutton without
shivering all over.
Boadicea hated red whiskers: it nearly cost Caractacus his life,
because he came into her presence one day with a tremendous pair on.
The smell of pickles always sent Cardinal Wolsey into hysterical
fits. He called upon Henry the Eighth once while the monarch
was lunching off some cold meat, and Wolsey fell down under the
table as soon as he smelt there was pickled cabbage in the room.
Henry, thinking the cardinal was intoxicated, had him locked up in
the Tower immediately.
Cleopatra couldn't look at a person with freckles : Antony had
all his soldiers who were at all freckled painted black to please her.
Napoleon took a violent hatred against any one who didn't take
snuff: it is said the cause of his separation from Josephine was
because she never would take a pinch from him.
Alfred the Great could not bear the taste of suet-dumplings.
Artaxerxes had such an intense horror of fleas that he would not
go to bed without a suit of armour, made like a night-gown, to fit
close to his skin. He would lose his reason for days when bitten by
one. There was a reward of ten talents, during his reign, for the
apprehension of every flea, dead or alive; and merchants would
come from far and near to claim the reward.
Queen Elizabeth had the strongest antipathy to a sheriff's officer:
she would run away as fast as she could directly she saw one, and
continue running for miles, until her guards, who knew her weak-
ness, stopped her.
Old Parr would turn pale if he touched a piece of soap: this is
the reason he never shaved. Cicero had such an antipathy to the
Wednesday that he used to remain in bed all that day; and Anna
Bolena could not hear the word potato pronounced without turn-
ing violently red, and feeling low-spirited for weeks afterwards.
Charles the Second never could go through Temple Bar. It
used to take the whole strength of Villiers, with Rochester and
Nell Gwynne, to push him through it. Cromwell never could pass
a tripe shop without bursting immediately into tears.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


AN ESSAY ON COMETS.
BY OUR OWN ASTRONOMER.
THE word "comet" has been derived by some from the Latin
coma, a tail; but the better derivation is comma, because it never
can come to a full stop.
Every comet has a tail, or train, which may be compared to some
of those monster trains which are occasionally the subjects of news-
paper paragraphs.
What a comet is we do not exactly know. It is certainly an
eccentric body, but there are so many eccentric bodies in these
days, that this hypothesis affords us no assistance.
A comet has a curious propensity to cut and come again, at very
long intervals.
Astronomers talk of the mean distance of a comet from the
earth, but as no comet ever came nearer than several thousands of
miles, which is anything but a mean distance, we should be glad to
know the meaning the astronomers attach to the word alluded to.
There is a comet due in 1848, being the same one that favoured
us, or rather our ancestors, with a visit at half-past eight P.M., on
the 21st of April, 1556. As the oldest inhabitant" will not have
had the honour of a previous acquaintance, it is very possible that
some other eccentric body may be mistaken for our old acquaintance
of the sixteenth century. Perhaps an inferior planet, disguised
in a long tail, may endeavour to pass himself off for the expected
visitor.
The safest mode of predicting a comet is to prophesy its ap-
pearance at least a century hence, and something luminous is
pretty sure to turn up, to enable posterity to find something like a
realization of the prediction. Any astronomer desirous of naming
an earlier day for the appearance of a comet should stipulate for
its being visible at some outlandish locality, where no witnesses
will be in attendance to test the accuracy of the prediction.
The comet of 1770 has very shamefully broken its appointments
with the astronomers, and shown a degree of unpunctuality which
is no less perplexing than it is unbusinesslike. The comet ought
to have entered an appearance, according to the law of comets, every
five years and a half; but the eccentric body has been non in-
ventus ever since, and we should be glad to see it regularly out-
lawed from the solar system.
Comets are generally called periodical bodies because their tails
are so exceedingly lengthy, like those which are continued from
month to month in some of the periodicals. They differ, however,
in one respect, the former being very luminous, and the latter
utterly destitute of brilliancy.
Between the years 1771 to 1780 there happened a regular glut
of comets; no less than five having appeared in the period alluded
to. This extraordinary assemblage was no doubt the first regular
specimen of a monster meeting.


[i845.








































THE .FALL OF THE LEAF.










THE FALL OF THE LEAF."
MISTER and Mistress Henry Brown
Were in society but young beginners;
And their ambition was to gain renown
By giving very nice -rcherch dinners.
It was their boast, they used to say,
Not to attempt a great display;
In a small house it would have been misplaced,
Therefore they merely aimed at perfect taste.
It was a standing joke with Mister Brown-
A joke in which he hated to be foiled-
That there could be no other house in town
Where taste so ruled the roast-ay, and the boiled.
'Twas the commencement of the autumn season,
After some time in his own mind reviewing it,
Brown gave a dinner, simply for the reason
That few-except himself-would think of doing it.
A London dinner-party in September,
Brown did opine, was something out of the common line;
A sort of thing to talk of and remember.
The arrangements having been completed,
The guests are round the table seated;
Of turtle-soup each one had got a plate-
Some one remarked the summer had been brief-
Yes !" Brown exclaimed, "'tis in the season late,
We must be looking for the fall of the leaf."
He'd scarcely said the words, when, with a crash,
Down came the dinner-table flap,
Sending some iced sauterne, with sudden splash,
Into his lady's lap.
Fish, water-bottles, knives and forks, epergnes,
Came rattling down upon her all in turns:
The sudden movement no one could control-
A slice of bread went off into a roll.
Decanters seemed disposed to fall,
As if they'd had a drop too much;
And stoppers never stopped at all-
In fact, refused to act as such.
'Twas a mishap, and yet, the truth to tell,
Mister and Mistress Brown both had their wish;
They hoped the dinner would go off all well,
And so it did go off-ay, every dish!








THE COMIC ALMANACK.


NEW LITERARY ASSOCIATION OF THE
FRIENDS OF FRANCE.

PROFESSED patriots being always addicted to abusing their own
country, it is presumed that the height of patriotism would consist
in an Englishman writing leading articles for a French Radical
newspaper. With this view a few literary friends of freedom have
associated for the purpose of supplying the Parisian Press with
Anti-English leaders at a cheap rate, and the following is submitted
as a specimen of the article it is proposed to manufacture.
The subject is a particularly happy one, being no less than the
solemn declaration of the King of the French (while being invested
with the Order of the Garter) that he would never make war upon
the Sovereign of the Order alluded to.
The circumstance that the oath taken includes no promise or
declaration of the kind can of course be of no consequence, as the
leader is intended for a French newspaper. The following is the
specimen:-
"Nous voyons [We see] que perfide Albion (we don't translate
perfide Albion, for everybody knows the meaning of that) a donned
une Jarretiire [has given a Garter] a Louis Philippe [to Louis
Philippe]. Mais, pourquoi cette Jarretiere ? [But why this Garter?]
Nous voyons dans cette Jarretiere [We see in this Garter] une autre
chaine [another chain] pour France [for France]. Oui, oui! [Yes,
yes !] cette JarretiBre infame [this infamous Garter] tiera Louis
Philippe par la jambe [will tie Louis Philippe by the leg] plus que
jamais [more than ever]. En recevant ce Jarretibre honteuse [In
receiving this infamous Garter] on lui a fait jurer, [they made him
swear,] qu'il ne fera pas la guerre [that he will not make war] sur
le Souverain de l'Ordre [on the Sovereign of the Order]. Hein,
hein! [Alas, alas!] notre pauvre champagne [our poor country] est
trahie [is betrayed].
"Mais on a donned cette Jarretibre dishonorante [But they have
given this degrading Garter] au Roi de la Prusse aussi bien, [to the
King of Prussia as well,] et aussi & I'Empereur de Russie [and also
to the Emperor of Russia]. Tons ont jurL la mdme chose, [All have
sworn the same thing,] de ne pas fair la guerre centre le Souverain
de I'Ordre [not to make war on the Sovereign of the Order]. Et qui
est le souverain contre qui on a jure dene pas fair la guerre? [And
who is the sovereign against whom they have sworn not to make
war?] Pourquoi, la Beine Victoria, pour 6tre certain. [Why,
Queen Victoria, to be sure]. Et qui est elle ? [And who is she ?]
Powrquoi, perfide Albion, come une inatiBre du courant. [Why,
perfidious Albion, as a matter of course]. Laisser les Anglais
aller se pendre [Let the English go and hang themselves]
dans leurs jarretieres, [in their garters,] come cette miserable
Mademoiselle Bailey, [like that unfortunate Miss Bailey,] de qui on
change quelquefois [whom they occasionally sing about]. Mais no


[1845.







1845.] REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE ON WASHHOUSES. bI

laissez pas les Franpais [But do not let the French] suivre l'exemple
[follow the example] de la demoiselle & qui nous avons fait alktsion
[of the young lady whom we have alluded to]. Laissons les rappeler
[Let them remember] le sort horrible [the horrible fate] de cette
june dame, [of that young lady,] qui pent avoir 6t6 [who might
ave been] une decoration a sa sexe Lan ornament to her sexj mais
pour les jarretibres [but for the garters].



REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE ON WASHHOUSES
FOR THE PEOPLE.
THE committee appointed to select a site for a great National
Washhouse, vacillated for some time between the Fleet Prison and
Covent Garden Theatre; but at length, for the reasons hereinafter
stated, gave the latter the preference.
Covent Garden Theatre has had cold water thrown upon it so
long, that no expense need be gone to in laying on any more of
the salubrious element. The genius of the place is also favourable
to such an experiment as the one proposed, for in the event of
water being scarce, recourse might be had to some of the old pumps,
which, though rather out of use, could easily be made to act again.
These pumps possess the advantage of never causing an overflow.
It is proposed to turn the pit into a drying-ground, the backs of
the seats being used for hanging clothes upon.
Persons bringing their own soap -cannot, on any account, be
admitted into the dress circle with mottled; and a moderate
Quantity of starch will be expected in the private boxes. Tickets
for single tubs may be had at the doors, and family coppers to
admit six may be had at all the libraries.
One advantage connected with the scheme for turning the theatre
into a washhouse, is the opportunity that would be afforded for
employing some of the regular company of actors, who, in the
mangling department, would be invaluable. The style in which
theyhave occasionally got up and mangled some of Shakspeare's
fine things ought never to be forgotten.
With reference to the Fleet Prison, it is suggested by the com-
mittee that it is scarcely adapted to ordinary washing, though for
purposes of whitewashing, it has always been found to answer.
Should Covent Garden Theatre be fixed upon, due notice will be
given of its being open for the season







1845.] REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE ON WASHHOUSES. bI

laissez pas les Franpais [But do not let the French] suivre l'exemple
[follow the example] de la demoiselle & qui nous avons fait alktsion
[of the young lady whom we have alluded to]. Laissons les rappeler
[Let them remember] le sort horrible [the horrible fate] de cette
june dame, [of that young lady,] qui pent avoir 6t6 [who might
ave been] une decoration a sa sexe Lan ornament to her sexj mais
pour les jarretibres [but for the garters].



REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE ON WASHHOUSES
FOR THE PEOPLE.
THE committee appointed to select a site for a great National
Washhouse, vacillated for some time between the Fleet Prison and
Covent Garden Theatre; but at length, for the reasons hereinafter
stated, gave the latter the preference.
Covent Garden Theatre has had cold water thrown upon it so
long, that no expense need be gone to in laying on any more of
the salubrious element. The genius of the place is also favourable
to such an experiment as the one proposed, for in the event of
water being scarce, recourse might be had to some of the old pumps,
which, though rather out of use, could easily be made to act again.
These pumps possess the advantage of never causing an overflow.
It is proposed to turn the pit into a drying-ground, the backs of
the seats being used for hanging clothes upon.
Persons bringing their own soap -cannot, on any account, be
admitted into the dress circle with mottled; and a moderate
Quantity of starch will be expected in the private boxes. Tickets
for single tubs may be had at the doors, and family coppers to
admit six may be had at all the libraries.
One advantage connected with the scheme for turning the theatre
into a washhouse, is the opportunity that would be afforded for
employing some of the regular company of actors, who, in the
mangling department, would be invaluable. The style in which
theyhave occasionally got up and mangled some of Shakspeare's
fine things ought never to be forgotten.
With reference to the Fleet Prison, it is suggested by the com-
mittee that it is scarcely adapted to ordinary washing, though for
purposes of whitewashing, it has always been found to answer.
Should Covent Garden Theatre be fixed upon, due notice will be
given of its being open for the season







82 TIE COMIC ALMANACK. [1845.


A NEW TABLE TO CALCULATE WAGES.
THIS table must depend a great deal on the sort of table kept by
the master of the house in which the servant resides. As a general
rule, the dripping admits of subtraction, and by calculating how
many times the candle-box will go into the kitchen-stuff, a fair
average may be arrived at. It must also be borne in mind, that as
the water is to the milk, so is the beer-money. In families where
the cupboard is left open, it follows frequently, that as the tea is to
the sugar, so is the servant at both of them.


THINGS WHICH CAN BE MUCH BETTER CONCEIVED
THAN DESCRIBED.
GETTING out of an omnibus, and discovering you have left all your
money on the mantel-piece.
A woman discovering her first grey hair.
Putting the lighted end of a cigar into your mouth.
A person's indignation on being told Queen Anne's dead."
Meeting a creditor, and being obliged to sit opposite to him "the
whole way" in an omnibus.
Being asked, in a drawing-room of ladies, to take a few tickets in
a raffle-" the ticket only a guinea!"
Breaking your strap in the pas seul in La Pastorale.
The wine at a public dinner.


DIRECTIONS FOR BREWING.
ONE of the difficulties attendant on domestic brewing is the
expense of the cask, but this may always be got by having 'a barrel
of beer on trial from a regular brewer, and saying it is not quite
out when the cask is applied for. By agreeing to pay for the beer,
one barrel under the other, the expense becomes merely nominal.
In order to prevent the lightning from turning the beer, a light-
ning conductor should be fixed in the bung-hole of the cask, or a
stair-rod would perhaps be an economical substitute.
Families who brew without exactly knowing how, may try the
experiment of a polite note to Messrs. Barclay and Perkins, asking
one of them to step round to put the parties in the right way, if
they should be making a failure of the brewing.
If the beer should be flat after having been left to cool in washing-
tubs, a raisin may be thrown in, and if it fails to produce any effect,
another raisin may be tried; but should the second raisin prove
unsuccessful, it will be waste of time-and raisins-to go on with
the experiment.







82 TIE COMIC ALMANACK. [1845.


A NEW TABLE TO CALCULATE WAGES.
THIS table must depend a great deal on the sort of table kept by
the master of the house in which the servant resides. As a general
rule, the dripping admits of subtraction, and by calculating how
many times the candle-box will go into the kitchen-stuff, a fair
average may be arrived at. It must also be borne in mind, that as
the water is to the milk, so is the beer-money. In families where
the cupboard is left open, it follows frequently, that as the tea is to
the sugar, so is the servant at both of them.


THINGS WHICH CAN BE MUCH BETTER CONCEIVED
THAN DESCRIBED.
GETTING out of an omnibus, and discovering you have left all your
money on the mantel-piece.
A woman discovering her first grey hair.
Putting the lighted end of a cigar into your mouth.
A person's indignation on being told Queen Anne's dead."
Meeting a creditor, and being obliged to sit opposite to him "the
whole way" in an omnibus.
Being asked, in a drawing-room of ladies, to take a few tickets in
a raffle-" the ticket only a guinea!"
Breaking your strap in the pas seul in La Pastorale.
The wine at a public dinner.


DIRECTIONS FOR BREWING.
ONE of the difficulties attendant on domestic brewing is the
expense of the cask, but this may always be got by having 'a barrel
of beer on trial from a regular brewer, and saying it is not quite
out when the cask is applied for. By agreeing to pay for the beer,
one barrel under the other, the expense becomes merely nominal.
In order to prevent the lightning from turning the beer, a light-
ning conductor should be fixed in the bung-hole of the cask, or a
stair-rod would perhaps be an economical substitute.
Families who brew without exactly knowing how, may try the
experiment of a polite note to Messrs. Barclay and Perkins, asking
one of them to step round to put the parties in the right way, if
they should be making a failure of the brewing.
If the beer should be flat after having been left to cool in washing-
tubs, a raisin may be thrown in, and if it fails to produce any effect,
another raisin may be tried; but should the second raisin prove
unsuccessful, it will be waste of time-and raisins-to go on with
the experiment.
















ri V.


COURT OF YOUNG ENGLAND.


_I

~a'~lr~Fi~










YOUNG ENGLAND.
A BIOGRAPHY.

STHE subject of the present notice was born of very obscure parents
in London, and was placed, soon after his birth, at the doors of the
Treasury, under the impression that Sir Robert Peel might stumble
over it, and be induced to take it in and provide for it. The Pre-
mier, however, merely moved it on one side with his foot, and Young
England began to cry out very lustily; but its voice was so weak
that no one paid any attention to it. Soon after, the bantling
attracted the notice of the press, and its case was laid before the
public, but it excited very little interest; and an appeal to Old
England in favour of Young England was equally unsuccessful, the
former denying the latter to be its legitimate offspring. A novel
entitled Coningsby," was afterwards written, in the hope of doing
something for Young England; but the more the book was read,
the less was Young England thought of.
It is a curious fact, that while Young England never could
succeed in winning popularity, a rival, in the shape of Young
America, was very successful, under the name of General Tom
Thumb, who was received very graciously at Buckingham Palace.
Surely, if mere littleness confers a claim to admiration, Young
England is almost as deserving of it as General Tom Thumb, who,
on the principle that extremes often meet, frequently found himself
in the presence of greatness. Young England would give its little
finger to make its way at Court as little Thumb has done.


ASSESSED TAXES.

As the ordinary almanacks are, in many respects, erroneous in
their information on the subject of assessed taxes, we proceed to
correct a few of the most usual inaccuracies.
It is generally said that 21. 8s. must be paid annually for armo-
rial bearings by persons keeping a carriage. It ought to be added,
that there is an exemption for persons keeping a cab by making it
wait for them.
Every additional body used on a carriage is chargeable; but when
any body additional is used on a carriage as an extra footman, he is
regarded as no body, and he is liable to no other duty than that of
getting up and down when required.
G2










YOUNG ENGLAND.
A BIOGRAPHY.

STHE subject of the present notice was born of very obscure parents
in London, and was placed, soon after his birth, at the doors of the
Treasury, under the impression that Sir Robert Peel might stumble
over it, and be induced to take it in and provide for it. The Pre-
mier, however, merely moved it on one side with his foot, and Young
England began to cry out very lustily; but its voice was so weak
that no one paid any attention to it. Soon after, the bantling
attracted the notice of the press, and its case was laid before the
public, but it excited very little interest; and an appeal to Old
England in favour of Young England was equally unsuccessful, the
former denying the latter to be its legitimate offspring. A novel
entitled Coningsby," was afterwards written, in the hope of doing
something for Young England; but the more the book was read,
the less was Young England thought of.
It is a curious fact, that while Young England never could
succeed in winning popularity, a rival, in the shape of Young
America, was very successful, under the name of General Tom
Thumb, who was received very graciously at Buckingham Palace.
Surely, if mere littleness confers a claim to admiration, Young
England is almost as deserving of it as General Tom Thumb, who,
on the principle that extremes often meet, frequently found himself
in the presence of greatness. Young England would give its little
finger to make its way at Court as little Thumb has done.


ASSESSED TAXES.

As the ordinary almanacks are, in many respects, erroneous in
their information on the subject of assessed taxes, we proceed to
correct a few of the most usual inaccuracies.
It is generally said that 21. 8s. must be paid annually for armo-
rial bearings by persons keeping a carriage. It ought to be added,
that there is an exemption for persons keeping a cab by making it
wait for them.
Every additional body used on a carriage is chargeable; but when
any body additional is used on a carriage as an extra footman, he is
regarded as no body, and he is liable to no other duty than that of
getting up and down when required.
G2







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE POLKA PLAGUE.
THE year 1814 will be ever memorable in our national annals, on
account of the breaking out of a great plague, on which physiolo-
gists have conferred the title of Polkamania." This remarkable
affliction first originated in the Black Forests of Bohemia, where
it took the name of Polka-which is, no doubt, a corruption of
Pole-ca, a word evidently derived from the pole cat, to which, as an
excessive nuisance, the Polka has some kind of affinity.
The boors, or bores, of the Black Forest communicated the Polka
to some Parisians, who always take quickly any malady of the
kind, and it very soon spread among the people of the French
capital. It was introduced into England a short time after, by a
coryphie coming over to fulfil an engagement at Her Majesty's
Theatre. The poor fellow was, indeed, very bad with it, and it was
thought that it would have died a natural death, for it did not
seem to be very taking until Monsieur Juliien happened to catch
it, and infected several places of public amusement with the severe
calamity. The malady now spread with fearful rapidity, and even
Mr. Baron Nathan fell a victim to it in its fiercest shape, while
others of less exalted rank in the Terpsichorean world had it in a
much milder form than the Baron. The symptoms of the disease
are too well known to need a lengthy description. It causes a
contraction of the leg, and a drawing up the heel to a considerable
height, accompanied by a violent twisting of the head from side to
side, and numerous contortions of the body. It gives a strange sort
of motion to the arms, occasions a repeated stamping of the feet,
and induces altogether a singularity of action which is not to be
found in other cases of mania. It is to be expected that the malady
will soon wear itself out, like other previous visitations of a some-
what similar character.


Li845








1845.]


THE NATIONAL GALLERY.
A DIALOGUE.

TOM.
HALL Bill Brown; how's you, and how's your
Sister Jane, and your blessed old mother ?
When you loses that maternal parent, Bill,
You'll never get such another.

BILL.
Why, we're all tollolish, and to-night, as I'm a
Gentleman-at-large, owing to the depression in baked
taturs,
We've all on us made up our mind to go to
The gallery of one of the National The-aturs.
TOM.
Let's see, there's Common Garden, that's a
Well wentilated the-atur just at present;
But then the doors open at no time
During the evening-and that's unpleasant.

BILL.
Then there's Drury Lane-a sort of Italian
Opera, werry much diluted-
Where there's ballets in which ladies
In werry short dresses dance-who might be better
suited.

TOM.
Ah! time was, a National Gallery was worth
A shilling of any man's money;
When Mister Edmund Kean used to do the
Violent pathetic, and Old Joe the excruciating funny.

BILL.
Then you couldn't get a front row without a fight,
And a row with the police no ways,
And the lady you took with you having
All her bones broken-I mean the bones in her stays.

TOM.
When penny oranges fetched tuppence, and bottled
Porter became stout by the change of situation
And used to pay-but, lor what
Wouldn't one pay in a wiolent perspiration!








THE COMIC ALMANACK.


BILL.
Boys could whistle then, and with only
Their wital part beat the steam-engine really;
I have heard that a gallery in full
Whistle once blew out the great chandelier-nearly.

TOM.
Hallo that's six o'clock so I must cut away,
As time's rather pressing;
And our Jane's back-hair 's too short to turn
Up, and too long to hang down, so she
Takes a long time a dressing.

BILL.
No apology, Tom; I'm not one of them
Chaps as is over nice;
And if I can hold a gennelman's horse, and get
Another penny, I'll come in at half-price.




SPORTS AND PASTIMES.

FOR the benefit of our young readers, and, indeed, for the advan-
tage of children of a larger growth, we subjoin a few games, adapted
to the meanest capacities, and the most limited pecuniary resources.

TIE POSTMAN.
The game of Postman is little known by the title we have given
it, but it is very frequently played at. It is a cheap amusement-
if done well; but a good deal may be lost at it, if it is not skilfully
managed. It can be played at by three or four at a time, or even
more, and it may also be indulged in by a single individual. The
game consists of giving a postman's knock at any door, and running
away as fast as possible.
ThE CABMAN.
This is a very amusing game, and is very easily played at. Fix
your eye on any particular cabman, and he will be sure to come
off his stand as rapidly as he can, thinking that you intended to
hail him.
The fun of the game may be increased by looking at three or four
on the same stand, when they will all rush off the rank, and you
have only to explain that you "merely looked, but don't want a
cab;" upon which they will very likely begin quarrelling with each
other, and thus add materially to your amusement.


[1845.








THE COMIC ALMANACK.


BILL.
Boys could whistle then, and with only
Their wital part beat the steam-engine really;
I have heard that a gallery in full
Whistle once blew out the great chandelier-nearly.

TOM.
Hallo that's six o'clock so I must cut away,
As time's rather pressing;
And our Jane's back-hair 's too short to turn
Up, and too long to hang down, so she
Takes a long time a dressing.

BILL.
No apology, Tom; I'm not one of them
Chaps as is over nice;
And if I can hold a gennelman's horse, and get
Another penny, I'll come in at half-price.




SPORTS AND PASTIMES.

FOR the benefit of our young readers, and, indeed, for the advan-
tage of children of a larger growth, we subjoin a few games, adapted
to the meanest capacities, and the most limited pecuniary resources.

TIE POSTMAN.
The game of Postman is little known by the title we have given
it, but it is very frequently played at. It is a cheap amusement-
if done well; but a good deal may be lost at it, if it is not skilfully
managed. It can be played at by three or four at a time, or even
more, and it may also be indulged in by a single individual. The
game consists of giving a postman's knock at any door, and running
away as fast as possible.
ThE CABMAN.
This is a very amusing game, and is very easily played at. Fix
your eye on any particular cabman, and he will be sure to come
off his stand as rapidly as he can, thinking that you intended to
hail him.
The fun of the game may be increased by looking at three or four
on the same stand, when they will all rush off the rank, and you
have only to explain that you "merely looked, but don't want a
cab;" upon which they will very likely begin quarrelling with each
other, and thus add materially to your amusement.


[1845.
































BOXING-NIGHT A picture in the National Gallery.


;1Y


9p"00








T845.]


OUR PRIZE PROPHECY.

SOME of the subscribers to this Almanack have represented to us
that it is scarcely complete without a prediction, and we have, there-
fore, been on the look out during the year for an eligible prophecy.
We were for some time in treaty with a professor of the cabalistic
art; but, as one of our stipulations with the soothsayer was, that
the prediction should not be paid for until it was realized, the sage,
with considerable indignation, declined the engagement. We have
consequently resolved on throwing open the prophetic department
to public competition, and we therefore invite the attention of pro-
fessional seers to the following conditions:-
Prophecies must be sent in before the end of September, written








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


in plain English, without any mystifying allusions to the signs of
the zodiac.
No prophecy to contradict itself more than once in the same
sentence; and where there are two results, one of which must arise,
both must not be predicted in the same paragraph.
A prophecy that Sagittarius will influence the fate of a man of
rank, will not be considered as having been fulfilled by a nobleman
happening to marry, or go out of town, or come to town, in the
course of the month referred to in the alleged prediction.
The assertion that the town of Birmingham is under the influence
of Aquarius will be considered a partially fulfilled prophecy-and
paid for as such-if washing and bathing establishments should be
introduced into Birmingham at'about the time specified.
Prophecies consisting merely of figures, and sent in as nativities,
cannot be taken into consideration, for, though they are no doubt
very correct, they are, unfortunately, wholly unintelligible.
Any prophecy relating to events in Bosnia, Beretzyk in Tran-
sylvania, and other out-of-the-way places, from which a mail never
comes, because it is never due, will be rejected, on account of the
difficulty of testing its accuracy.






I .... .


rRANCIS6"t~ e


[1845.