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The Comic almanack
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00008
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1842
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00008

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image : cold water cure
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Preface
    The comic almanack for 1842
        Page 299
        Before dinner and after
            Page 300
            Image
            Page 301
        January
            Page 302
            Image
        The gaieties of Tom Gad
            Page 302
        Ringing a peal and ringing a belle or the pippy correspondence : a diary of love and inundation
            Page 303
            Page 304
        February
            Page 305
        Valour and discretion : the ancient and honourable lumber troop
            Page 306
            Page 307
            Image
        March
            Page 308
        High and low water
            Image
            Page 309
            Page 310
        Register of inventions for 1841
            Page 311
        April
            Page 312
        Over head and under foot
            Image
            Page 313
            Page 314
        May
            Page 315
        Shop and the shay
            Page 316
            Image
        Miseries enough for the year
            Page 317
        June
            Page 318
        Up hill and down dale: narrative of an ascent to the summit of Primrose hill
            Image
            Page 319
            Page 320
        July
            Page 321
        Blood heat and freezing point
            Page 322
            Image
        Society for the confusion of useless knowledge
            Page 323
        August
            Page 324
        Ups and downs of life or polytechnic pond erings elaborated in the bell
            Image
            Page 325
            Page 326
        September
            Page 327
        New edition of burns
            Page 328
        Going ! gone ! the auction here
            Image
            Page 329
            Page 330
        A Smith's vice
            Page 330
        October
            Page 331
        Premium and discount
            Page 332
            Image
            Page 333
        November
            Page 334
        Parlour and the cellar
            Image
            Page 335
            Page 336
        December - notes of the month
            Page 336
        December
            Page 337
        Proceedings of learned societies 1841
            Page 338
            Page 339
            Page 340
        Earnest love letter
            Page 341
            Page 342
        Likelihoods
            Page 343
            Page 344
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text













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S Odd And Interesting

Dickens once visited Crilkshank's Atudio and there saw
a series of pictures illustrating the career of a London
thief. There was a sketch of Falin's den. the Artful
Dodger, Charley Bates and Bill Stkes. All these Dickeni
.worked Into the book, "Oliver Twist."


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THE

COMIC ALMANAC.


IST SERIES, 1835-1843.






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The Cold Water Cure.


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THE


COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPIIEMERIS:IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,

QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
STHACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.












"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF."

lBiti mango Tunbreb Illustrations

BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.











PRELIMINARY.




T HE Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long
been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as
among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending
over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive,
they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the
varied excellences of his marvellous power.
The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of
the Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged
upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers
Mayhew, the late Robert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has
been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of
"Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently
appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and Barber Cox, or the Cutting
of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for
1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2s. 6d., but
in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to Is.
The change did not produce the increased circulation expected,
and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2s. 6d. In
this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added,
and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner,
the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the work.
For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly
sought after by collectors, and as much as 61. and 71. have
been given. for good copies.
A Second Series, completing the work, will shortly be pub-
lished. It will be uniform in size and appearance with the
present volume, and embrace the years 1844-1853.
J. C. H.















THE


COMIC


ALMANACK


FOR 1842.







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


BEFORE DINNER, AND AFTER.

GUESTS were assembled-formal, prim, and staid-
The conversation did not yet come pat in;
The bachelor found speeches ready made,
The ready maid looked twice as hard as Latin;
The lord was stiff-the lady half afraid
To spoil her silk dress with the chair she sat in i
A dreadful dull demureness fill'd the place;
Boom-attics might be caught on that first-floor;
No racy word from all the human race
There gathered-nothing to create a roar-
Weather and poetry their themes of grace-
They talked of snow, and Byron,-nothing Moore.
There broke no pun upon the startled ear-
Nothing the soul of etiquette to smother;
None were at home, but each on each did leer,
As who should say, You're out," and Does your mother P"
Their words were dry, and yet they did appear
To throw cold water upon one another !
They stood, or sat, like lumps of social stone,,
Their wheel of life went round, yet no one spoke;
Or, if they did, not speeches from the thrown
From horse or gig, were more devoid of joke;
The little fire that, in the grate had grown
Dim, had a longing for a stir, or poke.
The hes were stupid, and, it might be said,
The shes were as uneasy as the hes:
It was all heavy there, and nothing led
To anything, but minding Q's and P's;
While every heart was absent, every head
Ran upon soup, fish, flesh, fowl, tart, and cheese."
Nothing was on the carpet, when there came
This bright announcement:-" Dinner on the table!"
Then wagg'd the tongues, which soon began to frame
A young confusion, like to bees, or Babel,
And each face wore a smile, that quite became,
Just as a doctor's bottle wears a label.


[i842.


































AM






C _~-


Before dinner and after


'~
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J BEFORE DINNER, AND AFTER.

Dinner pass'd over-they were quite genteel;
The wine went very fast and freely round;
None vulgarly, that day, took malt with meal,
But still in the best spirits all were found;
As they sat at the table, they did feel
As if their soles would never touch the ground.
The cloth was cut, and the dessert was spread,
Fresh bottles crown'd the hospitable board,
Their jolly cheeks grew fast from white to red;
So pass'd the wine-their bark of life was moor'd
Quite safe in port, while head'did nod to head
Familiar as the scabbard to the sword.
Now grew the conversation fast to fruit,
The fruit had grown already very fine;
The wine produced no whining, and, to boot,
No epicure refined about the pine;
But Love did all around his arrows shoot,
Lanced from his beaux against the ladies fine.
Each Miss's joke now made a pleasant hit,
No lover's sally could be deem'd a miss;
Less stately, too, the dowagers did sit-
They let their feelings loose on that and this;
Their tongues, in fact, were bridled not a bit-
The prude would have said "thank ye" for a kiss.
The guests gave out a host of best good things,
By way of compliment to their good host;
Brim full of eloquence, a friend upsprings,
And hopes that he will always rule the roast;
The praises of the belles another rings,
And turns, at once, the Ladies to a toast.
So freedom reigns; whereby it seemeth clear
That people grow most cordial after dinner;
Till then, the dearest woman seems less dear,
The thinnest gentleman's thin wit grows thinner;
The cheerful will be cheerless, without cheer-
You must have meat and drink, as you're a sinner !








JANUARY. [5842.


S THE GAIETIES OF TOM GAD. '
1.
OFF goes Tom Gad, while John his lad
Stands holding his nags so handy;
Mary behind, with thoughtfulness kind,
Is there with a bottle of brandy.
Master is going-(oh, how they'll be missing him
When he's in London)-and Missus is kissing him!
10. King of Hanover claims some of the Crown
Jewels of England.
"To lose for want of asking is no joke !"
'Twas just like Ernest, though in jest he spoke.
20. West Middlesex Assurance bubble burst.
Creditors in the suds.
Like coining gold appeared the plan, when new,
But soon they found their Mint was tura'd to Bue.
Short days.
Send prosers to pot,
Who are dry and statistical,
And rather drink egg-hot,
Than be eg-ot-istical.








Tom's journey ended, begins his spree;
Slap into the Bull and Mouth drives he.


[1842.


JANUARY.




























































Ringing a peal and 'Ringing a Ilelle








JANUARY. [5842.


S THE GAIETIES OF TOM GAD. '
1.
OFF goes Tom Gad, while John his lad
Stands holding his nags so handy;
Mary behind, with thoughtfulness kind,
Is there with a bottle of brandy.
Master is going-(oh, how they'll be missing him
When he's in London)-and Missus is kissing him!
10. King of Hanover claims some of the Crown
Jewels of England.
"To lose for want of asking is no joke !"
'Twas just like Ernest, though in jest he spoke.
20. West Middlesex Assurance bubble burst.
Creditors in the suds.
Like coining gold appeared the plan, when new,
But soon they found their Mint was tura'd to Bue.
Short days.
Send prosers to pot,
Who are dry and statistical,
And rather drink egg-hot,
Than be eg-ot-istical.








Tom's journey ended, begins his spree;
Slap into the Bull and Mouth drives he.


[1842.


JANUARY.







1842.]


RINGING A PEAL, AND RINGING A BELLE
Or, 7Te ipRpy Correspondence: a Diary of Love and Inundation.


I.
Mr. Pippy's Valentine.
THis elegant production was painted on a sheet of paper with a lace border,
and presented a singular mixture of sentiment and improbability, viz.-a little
boy, in a species of undress which the police would certainly prohibit from be-
coming the general fashion, riding in a car, like an enormous periwinkle shell
turned topsy-turvy, upon wheels, and drawn by two pigeons--a proceeding of
which every thinking mind must admit the impracticability, since the atmo-
spheric resistance of the birds' wings could never afford sufficient fulcrum to
draw so large a vehicle with any momentum, especially with cowslip collars
and rosebud traces.-[See Proceed. of Chawturmut Lit. and Scien. Inst., p.
30.] A church with a pointed spire and two windows was seen in the dis-
tance, perfecting this tasteful composition of protestant mythology. At each
corner were intricate red loops, like mud-worms in convulsions, termed true
lovers' knots; and below were eight exquisite and novel lines, of which we
present the reader with the termini, leaving him to fill them up as he pleases:
-"heart-smart," "languish-anguish," "flame-name," "you be mine-
Valentine."
H.
Miss Celia Potts to a confidential Female Friend.
Oh, my dear Charlotte,
What do you think? Mr. Pippy, the young apothecary, who came
down here to take our union of fourteen parishes at 20 a-year, has sent me
a Valentine. Not a common, impudent penny one of an old maid, with cats
and parrots all about her, but a beautiful picture of a little Cupid-such a
love !-riding in a thingemygig, drawn by two what-d'ye-call-'ems, with-oh,
my!-eight lovely verses underneath. I know it's from him, because it's
scented all over with the best Turkey rhubarb and oil of peppermint, and I
found a small piece of pill adhering to the envelope-how a trifle betrays the
secrets of the heart! My mind is all in a titter-totter-do come and see me.
Chawturmut, Yours very sincerely,
Feb. 14. CELIA POTTS.
III.

AMr. Pippy to Miss Potts.
Adored Celia,
The auricles of my heart contract with accelerated circulation as I pen
these lines. I can no.longer conceal that my love is as firmly fixed upon you,
as with a solution of gum-arabic. Are your affections free for me? and may they
be taken immediately, and repeated every four hours with one of the powders ?
-alas I scarce know what I write. I have already directed a dozen
draughts, to the wrong people: one old lady has swallowed half a pot of ring-
worm ointment, and Mrs. Jones has been rubbing her little boy's head with
lenitive electuary. You alone can write the prescription that shall administer
to my incertitude. Ever devotedly yours, -
PHINEAS PIPPY.







304 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1842.
IV.
Miss Potts to the confidential Friend.
My dearest Charlotte,
We have given a small party, and he has formally proposed. He was
very timid at first, but it was the red wine negus that did it, for Mamma
very kindly made it pretty strong, and gave him a good dose, immediately
upon my singing-" I'd marry him to-morrow." He says he has loved me
"ever since he first saw me at church in that beautiful cloak." My dear, it
was my old pelisse, which I had turned, made into a capucine, and lined with
blue Persian; but love gilds everything by its magic: possibly it converted
my last year's straw bonnet into a Tuscan chip. It is pouring in torrents,
and they say if it goes on we must have a flood. He is sitting at his surgery
window, looking at me, between the red and blue bottles, with a spy-glass.
Yours ever,
Feb. 20. CELIA.
V.
Mr. Pippy to his friend Mr. Tweak.
My dear Tweak,
How uncertain is everything in this world I was to have been married
to-day to the loveliest of her sex, but the floods have so risen, that nothing but
the roof of the church is visible. It began yesterday morning, when the canal
banks broke, and increased with such rapidity, that I was compelled to spend
the day on the dining-table, and am now driven to the second floor, with no
provision but a flask of lamp oil and some tooth powder. The sick paupers of
the Union I attend have just arrived on a barge, which has got aground on the
bridge. The bell-ringers, also, who were practising in the belfry when the
irruption took place, are fast enclosed therein-the doors being under water,
and the windows too small to get out at. They are ringing for help, and the
sound is awfully painful, as it was to have been my bridal peal. A letter has
just been brought by Tom Johnson, in a mash-tub, from my adored Celia; I
hasten to read it. Yours ever,
Feb. 23. PHINEAS PIPPY.
VI.
Miss Potts to Mr. Pippy.
Dearest Phinny,
Do not, I implore you, think too much of Hero and Leander. Our rustic
Hellespont is far too cold for you to plunge into and swim across, and such a
proceeding might excite the gossip of our neighbours. Let us endure this
trial with patience. The waters are certainly abating, as the French bed
in our back room is now visible, and John has caught three fine eels in the
pillow-case, which I send you, as well as my pet Carlo, who will swim back
with any answer you may have to send.
Yours very affectionately,
CELIA POTTS.
VIT.
(Extract from the Chawturmut Gazette.)
Married, on the 28th inst., Phineas Pippy, Esq., to Celia, daughter of
Anthony Potts, Esq. The ceremony, which was delayed by the late floods,
was performed as soon as the waters sufficiently fell-the party going to the
altar in a punt.







1842.]-I E- I


Tom Gad, a swell, in a town hotel,
Is breakfasting like a king;
Besides his proggery, lots of toggery
Hatters and tailors bring;
While John declares, he's blest if ever he
SLook'd so smart as he shall in his livery!



S14. Crockford cuts the cards, and throws up
L U the game.
l When Crocky, after many rubs,
S On gaming turn'd his back,
HEAD. 'Twas just as though the king of clubs
/' Were shuffled from the pack.

S 16. Lord Cardigan's trial and
ii acquittal.

21. The Pennard Cheese. "Not guilty, n
my honour."
SA mighty fuss about a mity cheese
From Zummerset, Her Majesty to please;
A wrong foundation sure its fame was built on,-
So mighty high-it must have been a Stilt-on.

26. Explosion of the great projectile in
Essex.-Lots of calves frightened to
death, all for the public weal.

Look out belo- 28. Conviction at Worship-street, for selling
above a ioke. spurious T, which shows the necessiT
of avoiding an uncertainT.
x


1842.1


FEBRUARY.






THE COMIC ALMANAC.


VALOUR AND DISCRETION:

THE ANCIENT AND HONOURABLE LUMBER TROOP.

(From their Private Despatches.)

IT is at all times a pleasing task to chronicle heroic deeds, and we hasten
to immortalize the proceedings of this gallant body of veterans during the
past year. Amongst their most daring and successful attempts, have been the
taking possession of Eel Pie Island; the storming of the baked apple-stand,
at Temple Bar; the blockade of Bolt-court, and the celebrated passage of the
Paddington Canal, under the direction of General Blackrag, the great city
undertaker, to whom the attack was entrusted, from his experience, as he
himself stated, in marching at the head of the corps. He was ably seconded
by his usual auxiliary, Dr. Bluelight, the formeryproviding the shells, and the
latter the mortars, the combined effects of which produced terrific execution.
From the usual habits of the troop, it may readily be conceived that counter
marching was the mancouvre at which they felt most at home; in fact, the
only idea they had of a regular march," was the one between February and
April. During their encounters, they have given and taken no quarter, except
an occasional fore one of lamb; whilst their undaunted courage was well
shown in the speech of Ensign Miggins, who declared "that he would never
shrink from coming to the pint, even against a rampart of quartz;" and his
unshaken energy in bearing the standard was never known to flag, firm as its
contemporary in Cornhill. Their acknowledged love of card-playing having
induced some unpleasant gambling transactions, it has been resolved, by the
head of the members, to prevent all legs from bearing arms in their body;
and a late regulation orders the colour of their plumes to be a deep crimson,
not only as emblematical of blood and glory, but from its precluding the possi-
bility of any one, at any time, showing a white feather. It is truly delightful
to contemplate the harmony which reigns amongst them at present; and it
it somewhat remarkable, considering their aptitude for catches of all sorts,
that they have made no prisoners. The only approach to anything like dis-
cord in the troop, was upon the occasion of the dispute relative to a contem-
plated attack upon Burgundy and Madeira; but even this added to the general
harmony, since, although the dinner service was demolished in the contention,
this one war was productive of one hundred peace; and it furthermore enabled
the members to present to their friends several unique pieces ofplate, at a
small outlay. We are indebted to their laureate for the following-

WAR SONG OF THE LUMBER TROOP.
BLow forth the clarion's pealing sound,
Your voices raise on high,
And send the bottle quickly round,
To drink to victory;
The campaign to the champagne yields,
The festive board invites,
Extinguish every thought of care- '
Blow out your very lights:


[1842,.







1842.] WAR SONG OF THE LUMBER TROOP. 307

Our march in glory's bright career,
All other troops surpasses;
For, whilst they charge their fellow men,
We only charge our glasses;
No tears our conquests e'er await,
Nor bier, with trappings sable,
They-leave their dead men on the field,
We-ours, beneath the table !

At Waterloo, a fearful game
The trumpet call began,
At three card loo we win our trick,
And trump it-when we can:
The verdant bays the chaplet form,
For which the warrior prays-
A different game we strive to win,
Not for, but on, green baize.

The ranks that join in our piquette,
By deep oldfiles are form'd;
We keep no watches but our own-
Our posts are never storm'd;
Our own reviews, in brilliancy,
The Quarterly" outshine;
Our only challenge is to take
A glass of generous wine.
And should we ever take the field,
Our troops would be found fast;
Thefirst might trust to our support,
For sticking to the last;
And ever, upon equal terms,
Our enemies we'd meet,
For, did they treat us with a ball,
We would, in turn, retreat.


HIGH TREASON.
March 16. The boy Jones found feasting in the larder at the
palace.
Why, what a scandalous piece of disloyalty,
To want to be picking the mutton of royalty i





















































But glory is a kin' o' thing I shan't pursue no furder._











III.
Tom Gad, my eyes! to his own surprise,
Is learning how to dance;
Wherever he goes, he'll point his toes
As gentlemen do in France:
He'll be the pink of a London beau-
Quite the fashion, and all the go!



7. A wooden spoon presented by an
old woman to the Queen.
All the spoons of the nation soon mride
known their wishes, -,'
To be speedily plunged in Her Majesty's ,' .
dishes;
Yet 'twas found to be useless to take any
more,
For the spoonies at Court were too many
before. u e~a

SI ||d a14. Reported destruction of the Falls

of Niagara. D
'Twas said that the Falls, with a terrible Tnrt
pwNse din,
Had fall'n from their perch on high;
But now it falls out that they ne'er fell in,
And so 'twas a fals-i-ty.
'Tis shocking to spread such news appall-
ible,
SAbout these Falls, which are still infall- pa n
ible. tns.


[1842.


MARCH.


Ball practice.


Finishing lesson.
















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High and Low Water


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1842.] 309

HIGH AND LOW WATER.
A LETTER OF THE LIONS OF LONDON.

"From a Young Lady in Town to her Friend in the Gountry."
POLITE LETTER WRITER.


I KNow, my dear Ellen, you think me to blame
For not writing once, since from Clumpsted I came;
But, what with the whirl and confusion of town,
I declare I have scarcely had time to sit down.
We are now in The Season;" by fashion's blest laws
Always fix'd at this point of the twelvemonth, because
To mope in the country's a terrible thing,
With nothing to watch but the progress of Spring,
As its cowslips and primroses burst from the ground,
And nought but the chirps of the wood-birds resound.
But how different London-one scene of delight !
Sights and concerts by day, balls and operas by night.
And we've all been so happy, so busy, so gay,
With one drawback alone-it has rain'd every day!
You cannot conceive, if 'tis not pointed out,
How quickly in London you travel about;
So I'll tell you, all fabulous narratives scorning,
The various places we saw in one morning !
Our lodgings we left about half after nine,
And, taking a coach, we drove off to the Shrine
Of the Chapel at Bethlehem, whence we could glance
At the fine church of Auch, which you know is in France.
Next, into the famed Polytechnic we dropped,
And there, a few minutes, at Canton we stopped;
Then quitting this spot, with despatch just the same,
By the route of Pall Mall, into Syria we came
At the Kineorama-a tour rather fleet,
Since to Egypt you pass, without quitting your seat,
From whose ancient relics, time-worn and corroded,
We reached St. Jean d'Acre just as it exploded.
(To make my accounts with localities tally,
The fortress I mean overlooks Cranbourne-alley.)
And after we'd travell'd these scenes to explore,
We got home to dine, at our lodgings, by fcur.
We've attended the second interment of Boney;
We've heard Sophie Lodwe, and seen Taglioni;
Whilst Nisbett and Keeley, in London Assurance,
Have killed us with laughter, beyond all endurance.






THE COMIC ALMANAC.


With respect to Haitzinger and Stoeckel Heinefetter,
We fearlessly state, we have heard many better
Amongst our own people, deserving more praise,
Not omitting the young Infant Sappho, whose lays
Forced a cockney to state, against euphony sinning,
Entranced by her strains, that "her vays vas quite vin'ning!"
We climb'd up the stairs to the Monument top,
But it pour'd so with rain that Papa wouldn't stop.
We saw nought but the Thames and the fog, I declare,
Or, as Tom quoted, nil nisipontus et aer."
So we went to the Tunnel, because, as Pa said,
There, at least, we should have a dry roof o'er our head;
But we very soon found, to our horror and fright,
That the river, presuming it still had a right
.To keep its own bed, and annoy'd at intrusion,
Broke in all at once, to our utter confusion,
And, had we not flown at the top of our speed,
You ne'er would have had.this epistle to read,
But I find I have come to' the end of my sheet,
And the postman is ringing his bell in the street;
So, with hundreds of kisses, I'll finish forthwith.
Believe me, love,
toujours a toi,
MARY SMITH.


REGISTER OF INVENTIONS FOR 1841.
SOME excitement has been caused among the learned bodies onthe
Continent, by the discovery of a new Chlorine Bleaching Fluid, of
novel and unexampled powers, the invention of which is due to Pro-
fessor Jiigler, of Scampsburgen. Not only has it the power of
removing the most permanent stains from a person's character, but
it also clears the most muddy conscience in the course of a few
applications; and a small quantity applied to the head as a lotion
is gradually absorbed and filters through the brain, removing in its
course all unpleasant reminiscences and uncomfortable thoughts.
Its mollifying powers have been tested on a number of the hardest
substances, including the heart of a metaphysician, which, in a few
seconds, it entirely humanized. Diluted with water, and sprinkled
on the floor, it purifies Houses of Parliament, Lawyers' Offices,
Private Lunatic Asylums, Cheap Schools, and Race-course Betting-
stands; and, used medicinally, a few drops, taken internally, blunt
the intellect, and if administered before a trial, will totally destroy
any souvenir of a former event that it may be deemed advisable to
get rid of in a principal witness. We ought in justice to add, that
the Mnemonic Tincture was also the discovery of the talented Jiigler,
which is equally useful in causing persons to recollect things that
never happened at all.


[1842.






REGISTER OF INVENTIONS FOR 1841.


Photographic Portraits. Whilst the Adelaide Gallery and Poly-
technic Institution of London are vying with each other for supe-
riority in producing those remarkably pleasant-looking and cheerful
representations, Mons. Le Coeur, of Paris, has adopted his new
,system of taking them, which it seems he addresses especially to
young engaged people. The optical structure of the human eye, it
is well known, forms a Camera Obscura, by whose action the linea-
ments of the loved one are correctly stamped upon the heart. The
chief difficulty has been experienced in fixing the picture so formed;
for it appears that, after marriage, there are few, if any, traces of
the features that were impressed there before.
Amongst the Patents taken out during the past year, the Poly-
glossographic Adamant Steel Pen ranks high in. estimation. It is
particularly recommended to the notice of the public, for the facility
with which it enables people, not only to write in any language
they like, but to transcribe with grammatical elegance.
The Parvenu Medium Point is invaluable to those ladies and
gentlemen who have experienced a sudden rise in their fortunes; as
it saves them from exposing their want of education to their
epistolary friends.
The Platino-Zincoid Poetical Nib will write Stanzas to Mary,
and lines to a Moss Rose, in any quantity; peculiarly adapted for
Albums and Fashion Books. To paid, regular contributors to
Annuals and Magazines, who revel in the mill-horse style of writing,
it will be found of incalculable advantage.
The Romance Rhodium Quality will furnish tales for newspapers
at a column an hour, varying in thrilling intensity, or historical
epoch, according to the ink used, which may, it appears, be procured
with the pens. The Newgate Writing Fluid is the most popular
at present.
The Patent Circumslogdollagizing Leader Pen will prove highly
advantageous to gentlemen of the Public Press, from the facility
with which it produces leading articles on any popular theme. We
had the satisfaction of trying a Corn Law pen, which answered
admirably; and we hear the ingenious inventor has manufactured
Chartist, Commentary, and Abusive pens, on the same principle, as
well as Review Nibs.
The Engineer of the North-south-east-western Counties Railway
undertook, for a trifling wager, to travel at the rate of twenty miles
a second, and actually arrived at the appointed station some time
before he quitted the terminus He states that this intense velocity
is obtained by using gin and water in the engine, instead of water
alone, which imbues it with a species of temporary intoxication.
The Leviathan steamship, to run between England and America,
will be launched early in the Spring. Great fears are, however,
entertained as to whether there will be room enough in the Atlantic
for her to turn round, without damaging her bowsprit between
Liverpool and New York.


I842.]







APRIL.


IV.
Tom Gad to-day will go to the play;
Who does Tom Gad meet there ?
Two pleasant men, whom he'll meet again,
And a lady fresh and fair.
A lady-fie !--upon my life,
Tom Gad, ye divil, I'll tell your wife.




6. The will of Wood of Gloucester litigated.

LINDLEY MURRAY states that will indicates a future;
SIR MATTHEW WOOD finds a present derived from a will.

He scraped all day-he scraped alway-
He scraped from stocks and stones-
If he could have sold his flesh for gold, ,
He'd have scraped his very bones.
Gold was his good-untired he stood,
For nothing but gold did please,
Till he rested his bones, neathh the churchyard stones,
And left his Leg-at-tees.


9. One Boa Constrictor, at the Zoological Gardens, swallows
the other.

The cunning serpent in the park
One day was feeling rather hollow,
So took his brotherfor a lark,
Or, just as likely, for a swallow.


11. Military Flogging on Sunday-Lesson for the day.

"Good day, good deed;"-when simpler method fails
(Thus thought the proud Bashaw of many TAILs),
That teacher sure will mend the slowest dunce,
Who uses NINE quick reasons all at once.


[1842.


























21; ..
















.I ~"Ls~~i ~~ M r..
J~


Over-head and Under-foot









OVER HEAD AND UNDER FOOT.
BAILIE MUCKLESCRATCH dwelt at Glasgow, in the Candleriggs. He was
what is called a warm man; that is, one who had rubbed on well in the
world, as indeed it is probable most of his customers did, the Scots being a
people celebrated for playing the rubber of life. The baillie kept, in American
phraseology, a "store"-in London vernacular, a chandler's shop; a bazaar,
whose staple consisted of oatmeal and red herrings, esculents in great esteem
north of Tweed. It has long been the opprobrium of philosophy that no
satisfactory reasons have been assigned for the proneness, in Caledonia,
towards porridge and salt fish. With unqualified satisfaction the announce-
ment is here made that their large pewter Minerva medal will be presented,
at the next meeting of the British Association, for the best treatise on the
" causes and effects" of a taste, -evident on the most superficial glance at the
natives of that country. He also kept an only son, Sandy Macalister Muckle-
scratch, who kept- but that is not part of our present affair.
Now, though the elder Mucklescratch evinced no ambition in selecting a
worldly position for himself, he had an itching about the appearance of his
heir. To this end, after a course of "humanities" at home, he consigned
him to a member of the College of Surgeons, an establishment renowned for
the sobriety and decorum of its disciples. No youth since the days of
Esculapius was ever in so fair a way to dignify the profession of medicine as
the young Glasgovian, if his own account was to be believed; and who was
so likely to possess the real facts of the case ? To be sure, the honour was
not attained free of expense ; but could it enter even the heart of a Scottish
chandler to suppose that his son might carve at the same table with Sir
Benjamin Brodie, or Sir Astley Cooper, without sharing the cost of the enter-
tainment. Day by day accounts arrived from the medical student: those
who observed their effects upon the receiver might have concluded they were
not quite satisfactory; but what could be expected from an old fellow who
lived upon "cock-a-leekie" in the Candleriggs? Fortunately, some of these
letters have been preserved; we copy one, to show the progress made by the
writer in other composition as well as that peculiar to AMateria Medica.

Governor,-Science can't be purchased without dibbs. When we want
subjects, we must shell-out. My share, for next lecture night (as there will
only be four of us), will take-the shine out of a ten pound stiff. Send the
price of the spread, old trump, to your dutiful son, SANDY."

However well calculated such studies might have been to procure patients
for the son, they dealt differently with the patience of the father. Indeed, it
can hardly be held unreasonable that a man who had existed for half a century
on fourpence a day should feel a little disposed to inform himself how ten
sovereigns could be required for the fourth of a supper bill. Full of this
natural curiosity, the man of groats went to Edinburgh, embarked smack for







314 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1842.

London, and presently domiciled himself on a lower floor in the neighbour-
hood of Upper Gower Street, where, as the bill in the window implied, gen-
tlemen were taken in, and done for." The traveller was weary: with his
nightcap mounted, and his chamber's light ignited, he was about to seek
Nature's restorer. What scared him from his purpose ?
The clock had told ten, and in the drawing-room apartments vertical, four
of the Won't-go-home-till-morning" club assembled to pass the day. Gen-
tlemen," shouted the chairman, "here's co0FUSION TO ALL ORDER Now the
Charter chant, if you please, with honours." Then rose the company, and
while each executed a rigadoon to his particular taste, all pealed forth in
chorus-
"Long life to jolly drinking!
Send round the wine like winking:
The liquor's free,
And so are we-
Hurrah! for jolly drinking!"

Thus, from night to morn the carouse continued, and each returning sun
was the signal for its repetition. There was but a choice of evils for the
ground-floor tenant-to remain where he was, and be killed by the inch, or
rather, by the foot, or pay a se'nnight's rent for a night's lodging-which
would have despatched him at once. All day did the miserable meal-man
seek his hopeful,. with sorrow, and no success, and all night (truth compels
the confession) over the sire's head did the son perform the dance of death.
A shocking bad life was Sandie" leading: both the elder and the younger
Scot were pursuing the M.D. after a fashion Miaximd Deflendum. .The
week ended, leaving the Glasgow magistrate with just enough of life to assist
him back to the Candleriggs. A trusty friend in the Great Metropolis, how-
ever, was commissioned to discover the retreat of the prodigal, and compass
his restoration to the disconsolate parent. After a time, and a rigid stoppage
of supplies, this was effected; and Macalister Mucklescratch's career of dis-
sipation ended, as many a similar course has terminated, in his being sent to
the Old Baillie!

Far north as he was born, the ancient Scot had a warm heart. Kindness
worked its accustomed office; and it was not long before the prodigal son
became the pride and comfort of his father's house. A pleasant thing it is
to see the pair seated together, and hear the old man, with glistening eyes,
repeat his especial bon mot. "Eh, Sandie, my lad, when you and I were
practising 'ABOVE' BELOW,' wha would ha' thought it would have ended in

'ALL's WELL!'"







1842 MAY. 315


V.
T6m Gad, for a lark, attempts Hyde Park,
All for to ride on a horse;
Which meets his spur with some demur,
And kicks without remorse.
Tom Gad, about Achilles' statue,
How all the people are staring at you'





12. Mr. Muntz complains of the ventilation of
"the House," and advocates more hair.'


29. Restoration day. Hearts of oak cut their
sticks.

"To witch the world with noble horsemanship."

While all the rest are riding at their will,
The poor hack-author wags his weary quill;
Save through his garret-roof he knows no rein;
No stir-up, but when publishers complain;
No shay drawn up for him; pegg'd to the shop, he
Must hear no cry of hounds-but copy, copy !"
He knows no hunter but the printer's devil,
Comes to no checks but those when critics cavil,
Or such as touch his raw, if he's a feeler,
When driven to drive a bargain with a dealer.


Bless me! there's a Flea.


Draft Horse. Hunter and Hack.


Seller and Buyer







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE SHOP AND THE SHAY.

Ou life is twofold," Byron says; and it's very certain that we pass an
equal part before and behind the curtain;-from the chandler, whose trade's
his prop, and contrives, all the week, to stop behind the counter of his shop,
in the midst of red-herrings and split peas, French eggs, Prussian blue, Irish
butter, and Dutch cheese, with many other articles similar to these-but
Sunday he gives up to ease; and, cutting the cheese" for the day, with his
shay, makes a little display, and off for a trip drives away, with his wife in a
toilet most gay, to 'bide by his side, with the pride of a bride, for a ride where
their own wishes guide.
Then there's the gentleman some folks call a fop, who lodges very near the
house-top, and dines off a solitary chop, in a coat too worn even to pop, and
which no old clothesman would swop-that's the shop !-Then he turns out a
dandy complete, to swell up and down Regent Street, with neat polished boots
on his feet, not in dread of the friends he may meet, nor anxious to shuffle away
-that's the shay !
And next, Mrs. Brown, in a fright, that her seventeen daughters, in spite
of their figures so slight, and eyes bright, do not marry as fast as they might,
determines her friends to unite, and sends out to each an invite; and all the
day's in a sad plight, herself putting up each wax light, in order that all may
go right, as she trusts the blanc mange will be white, and not spoilt by her
own oversight; and, by evening, is ready to drop-that's the shop!-And
when night comes, rewarding their pains, her daughters, in mousselain-de-
laines, with flushed cheeks and quick-throbbing veins, to the cornet--piston's
shrill strains, are flying about with their swains, whom they hope to entrap
in their chains, as fast as a set of mail trains; and all is as gay as a bright
summer day-that's the shay !
And the young opera danseuse, who goes to learn how to walk on her toes,
or study each elegant pose, to an audience of empty pit rows, in her toilet
of everyday clothes, with her cheeks pale as death, and her nose, from the
cold, almost couleur de rose, the which she incessantly blows, as she goes
through each posture and hop-that's the shop I-And, at night, from her
place at the wing, she comes on the stage with a spring, and plaudits through-
out the house ring, at the sight of so sylph-like a thing, and her lover's the
son of a king, round whose neck her white arms fondly cling, until pulled aloft
by a string, she floats on a bright canvas sunbeam away-that's the shay I
And the poor scribbling author, whose will is a few brilliant thoughts to
distil, that may flow with his ink from his quill: who grinds his brains just
like a mill, in his garret deserted and chill, and thinks till he makes himself
ill, in the hopes that his pockets may fill, when the publisher praises his skill,
and who trusts, from his efforts, to reap a good crop-that's the shop!-And
when his said work proves a hit, and the sharpest reviewers admit, that it
shows many traces of wit, and he's thought for their coteries fit, and soon of
his debts can get quit, no longer obscurely to flit, but soar in the day-that's
the shay I


[1842.






























































~~'ri


The Shop and the Shay
The Shop and the Shay


-L
5-











MISERIES ENOUGH FOR THE YEAR.

To find it a rapid thaw when you have purchased a new pair of skates,
and have invited a party of ladies to see your performance.
Getting soaked through, on your way to the Epping Hunt, and being told
that you have only taken your share of the Easter-dews.
Driving your feet hastily into a pair of new Wellingtons, in order not to
miss the train (time and boots a tight fit), and finding, by the feel, that the
straps are at their bottoms ;-boot-jack not to be found.
Being asked to dine, on a New-year's day, with a family, in which the
children always expect presents.
Taking a box at a theatre for the express purpose of hearing the wonder-
ful new vocalist, and finding, when you get there, only indispositionn" and a
stale comedy.
Being "not at home' to an old friend, and coming downstairs, in a for-
getful fit, before he has had time to leave the house.
Bowing, in your usual bland and affable manner, to a gentleman in the street,
whom you recollect, as soon as he has passed, that you ought to have kicked.
Popping the question" in a pair of tight boots; the lady seeming in no
hurry, and to enjoy your agony.
Going out to be godfather, and remembering, at the proper crisis for pre-
sentation, that you must have left "the" silver cup in some omnibus.
To be interrupted while writing a Bill-et-doux, by the recollection of a bill
over due.
Being asked to carve, if you are a musician or literary man.
Being compelled, in a party, to sit down to whist; and hearing your
favourite part in an Italian quartet, which you had studied for a week before,
sung by a murderous wretch whom you long to strangle.
Writing an appointment to a lady, and a disappointment to a tailor, and
cross-directing them.
Paying your rent punctually, on quarter-day, to your landlord, and being
distrained on the next day by his landlord.
Having ascertained, by a peep down your friend's area, that there is a
turkey on the spit, and calling, accidentally, of course, about dinner-time, you
feel rather sheepish when the cold mutton is brought up, and learn, in the
course of the evening, that the kitchen fire had been lent for the dinner party
of the next-door neighbour.
Abusing a person whom you have never seen, to a respectable-looking
stranger, who, after apparently nodding assent, with the patience of a martyr,
quietly observes that he is the man. The unpleasant anticipation of loose
teeth, as you see him making up his bunch offices.







318 JUNE. [1842.













Tom bets apace at Ascot race:
Ah, Tom, it's all a do!
You're backing yellow, you stupid fellow,
And look, the winner's blue!
There goes, Tom Gad, a twenty pounder
As flat, you are, as any flounder.

Starting Post.
Weary and wet, the traveller meets a post,
No Morning Post-but one of dreary night,
That looks, beside, so very like a ghost,
That he-no upstart-yet starts up in fright,
Winning Post.
And at the finger-Post his finger points,
Trembling, poor gentleman, in all his joints;
Then up comes Tom, a fellow of good heart,
And says, "I say,
That Post is meant to Herald you your way;
It is no ghost:
Neck and Neck.
In Hamlet's play it does not take that part,
And here's a reason why you should not start-
It's not a starting-Post."
The winning-Post-that is to say, the goal,
Vaulting ambition's route from pole to pole,
Racers.
Where, neck and neck contending, Greek meets
aGreek,
Leg follows leg, the strong defeat the weak,
Where score the graceful racers o'er the plain,
And the whole game is one Leger-de-main.
S Floored by the Leger.


Hedging a Bet. Walking over the Coarse.


Don-Caster.



























































/I


Up-hill and Down-dale







1842.] 319



UP HILL AND DOWN DALE:

NARRATIVE OF AN ASCENT TO TIE SUMMIT OF PRIMROSE HILL.
BY MESSRS. POi'RINS AND VULT.

THE celebrated Primrose Hill, which is estimated to be nearly one hundred
,feet above the level of the Regent's Canal, forms one end of the great chain
of the Metropolitan Alps, which comprises the respective hills of Highgate,
Ludgate, Snow, Saffron, Mutton, Addle, Tower, Corn, Constitution, and
many other peaks. Whilst the enterprises of Sherwill, Clarke, De Saussure,
Auldjo, and others, had carried them to the summit of Mont Blanc, and M.
Agassiz had overcome the hitherto impracticable Jungfrau, and given their
published accounts to the world, it is somewhat strange that no narrative
has hitherto been published of the ascent of Primrose Hill. To supply this
void in our literature, as well as to furnish an account to Peter Parley, which,
in the event of his refusing, I should have sent to the Penny Magazine,"
I was induced to undertake the excursion. Although the time of year was
somewhat against me, yet, from the noble offer of Mr. Vult, whom I met
casually in the diving-bell at the bottom of the tank in the Polytechnic In-
stitution, I determined, at all risks, to make the attempt.
On inquiry,'we found that the charity boys of the district schools were best
acquainted with the localities, and we therefore engaged four of them as
guides. Their parents did not seem to comprehend our intentions, but pos-
sibly this arose from reluctance to allow their children to join our venture:
but we overcame their scruples by offers of liberal payment, and named the
eldest (" Plucky Simmuns" as he was familiarly termed by his fellows) as
our chief guide. We also contracted with a broom merchant in Kentish
Town for our ice-poles.
The next morning at nine o'clock, and in a deep snow, we left the Albany
Tavern, amidst a crowd collected to see us start; and crossing some palings
and apiece of broken ground, prepared to ascend. Our progress soon be-
came one of extreme peril, as the snow had been collected from Park Village,
and shot out on this waste, forming vast hills, which required great labour
to surmount. Once I completely stuck fast, and before I was extricated
nearly left one of my cloth boots behind me. Our respiration also became
very difficult, evidently from the rarefaction of the air at so great a height,
although Mr. Vult persisted in attributing it to the hot rolls we had eaten
at breakfast. We crossed this large confusion of snow, which we presumed
to be part of the Chalk Farm Glacier, and were astonished, on arriving at the
opposite side, to see a man in these wild solitudes. He was evidently a
child of the mountain, and proffered for sale an article he termed ginger
cocktail," which he assured us would prove most palatable. We bought
some, and went on.
The conduct of our guides was most remarkable : in circumstances of the
utmost peril they betrayed a levity almost unnatural, and more than once
took to snowballing each other, as if they had been on level ground. We
continued to ascend until the dreary waste of the Hill opened on us in all
its awful grandeur. No living thing was visible, and the earth below was
fading in the misty distance, leaving no trace of its existence but the tops
of the tall chimneys on the Birmingham Railway. Once, and once only, Mr.
Vult fancied he heard the squeak of a train coming in: this might or might






THE COMIC ALMANACK.-


not have been the case. The cold was most intense, but we had made up
our minds to succeed or die, and we pushed bravely up the last slope.
At half-past eleven we reached the summit-and never shall 1 forget the
eventful moment. My companions partook of my excitement, with the ex-
ception of Mr. Vult, who having had the care of the brandy flask in the
ascent, and not being a teetotaller, had indulged in so many tastes, that his
conduct was most unscientific. He insisted on trying to waltz with Sim-
mons, and threw his new hat at a bird that flew over our heads. A passing
breeze carried it down the Hill with as much ease as if it had been its name-
sake production of the fields-the work of the Aranea Sylvestris, or Gossa-
mer Spider of Linnaeus.
With respect to the view, so dense was the fog reigning around, that we
saw nothing beyond twenty yards from us. What lay within that radius
was, however, very magnificent, consisting of a deep layer of snow, broken
only by our footsteps. In answer to my inquiry of Simmons, if avalanches
were common in the winter, he replied, with much candour, That he didn't
disactly know, but he believed there was lots of nuts and brandy-balls, now
and then." Having satisfied our eyes, we prepared to act similarly towards
our stomachs: and we were glad to find our elevated situation had no other
effect upon our animal economy than wonderfully increasing our appetites.
The guides feasted at a small distance from us; their provision consisted
principally of cold bacon, which they had tied up in their neckcloths, where
it acted as a stiffener. We allowed a bottle of Guinness amongst them,
fearing, if we gave them more, they would get confused, and unable to find
their way down again. After dinner I proposed "Prosperity to Science,"
which Mr. Vult insisted upon giving with three times six, and finished by
falling down on the snow, quite overcome. The sentiment given by Plucky
was simple, and indicative of pastoral feeling. He merely exclaimed, as he
slapped his hand against his yellow-leather indispensables, Here's luck!"
and drank up nearly all the bottle at a draught, to show how much in earnest
he was.
I wrote some notes in pencil for our friends to keep as souvenirs, and made
several scientific observations. On endeavouring to ascertain, fi:om the fall
of the mercury in my barometer, at what height we stood, I was surprised
to see no traces at all of the mercury on the index plate. I subsequently
found Mr. Vnlt had tumbled on it, and all the quicksilver had ran out.
As afternoon advanced we prepared to descend, dreading lest night should
overtake us in these wild solitudes. Our guides showed us a method of
coming down the declivities, at which they seemed very expert. They sat
on the snow, and glided down with the rapidity of a railroad. Not liking to
trust myself alone, Plucky took me behind him, and we got down safely. Mr.
Vult, however, over valiant, would go by himself, and consequently, after
sliding at a fearful rate, he suddenly disappeared, having, as we imagined,
slipped into some tremendous crevice of the glacier. We found that he had
fallen into a hole where the railway navigators had been digging for clay,
the water in which had got slightly frozen over, and then covered with'snow.
This accident somewhat checked our ardour, but we congratulated ourselves
upon its fortunate result. At length we reached the level ground, and re-
turned to our inn, highly gratified with our excursion, although we would
recommend no one to undertake so perilous a task from mere motives of
curiosity.


[I842.







1842.] JULY. 321


(-v









Champagne. vii.
Tom Gad has stray'd to a masquerade,
Where there's row enough for a wake;
All dress'd up false, he begins to valse,-
N Oh, what a precious rake !
If your wife knew, Tom Gad, Tom Gad, now!
Upon my word you are too bad now!

Real Pain.
1. Chimney-sweeping Act in force.-Machines
put up, boys put down.
Ice-Cream.
Veil! gone is all the profit as I reaps;
t^ A sweeping clause has done avay vith sveeps;
/ -Our lads vill into hevil courses rush,
The boys has got the sack, and mustn't brush:
Their hindignation's most uncommon hot,
Because they mustn't go no more to pot;
Scraping's guy up-but, in a many shapes
They'll be a getting into other scrapes.
Dominoes.
I puts my young 'un in a bran new suit,
And when he's rigg'd, the gallows little brute
Goes rolling on the bed.
"Ullo," says I, you're spiling of your togs;"
Says he, "D'ye see,
It's all along of love for the old trade:
Tongue and Chicken.
Father, I vos a sweep, as vonce you knew,
And still I likes to be all over lue."
Census return. All the madmen included.
0 1 facilis decensus-easy 'tis
From intellect to go down into madness,
Which now's reflected in its every phiz,
And every form of goodness and of badness
Return'd before us at the land's expense,
A census true of all its want of sense
7






322 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1842.


BLOOD HEAT AND FREEZING POINT.

'Tis a bad plan to fight, whatever be
The provocation-just attend to me,
And you'll ne'er rue it;
Although with rage you find your fingers burn,
As obstinate as Grissel's masons turn,
Only instead of striking-never do it.

Even when struck, never return the blow ;-
Blow the return your independence show;
Put up with a put down-let no regards
For empty honour tempt you to exchange
Your pasteboard challenges, however strange,
But cut the cards,
Then shuffle off yourself; declare no war;
And, recollect, 'tis always better, far,
For your assailant to turn up his nose,
Than you your toes!

Words beget blows-from blows contusions rise,
Which, cutting off your lachrymal supplies,
May dam your eyes-
At least their conduits; tempt no further brawl;
For though "black eyes most dazzle at a ball,"
You'd find, in spite of all you'd thought before,
A ball would dazzle your black eyes much more.
Think of your challenger, bent straight on fight,
With purpose cruel,
Arising from his bed, at day's first light,
To do ill.

True to the moments, see his seconds first,
Who for your heart's best blood already thirst,
Like murd'rous Thugs;
With you yourself-pale as a taper's light-
Creeping, like snail, unwillingly" to fight
With slugs !
Think of the morning fog, by whose assistance
All may be mist, unless, defying distance,
His vision, at such moment far too clear,
Cutting all chaff,
May lay you, by his barrel, on your bier,
'Twixt life and death, or, rather, half and half!









































































Blood-Heat and Freezing-Point


~-~ ----

i"--

;-
n


i-.:
i:-
~-~1C




f-
r4 .Irnia8rP


Air










SOCIETY FOR THE CONFUSION OF USELESS
KNOWLEDGE.
AUnasT, 1841.-At the Annual Meeting of the British Fill-us-off-ical
and Feeding Association, at Ply-mouth, the following ingenious plan was
promulgated-for a Company for the Confusion of Useless Knowledge. It
is needless to say that so praiseworthy a project met with the unbounded
sympathy and concurrence of all the members present.
It is intended by the Company to supply the present enormous mental
appetite of the public with a full feed of science and literature in a series
of sixpenny bits, or bites. To prevent the appetite from becoming cloyed
by too continuous a fare of any one kind, the bits will be so intermingled
and diversified as to keep the biters always expecting and never satisfied.
Thus, the biography of Bacon will be relieved by a bit of the history of
Greece; a bit of Astronomy, by a bit of Brewing; a bit of Roman History,
by a bit of Algebra; a bit of Chemistry, by a bit of Commerce; a bit of
the History of the Church, by a bit of Sir Christopher Wren. Vegetable
Physiology, bit I., will be probably followed by a Treatise on Probability;
from the study of which the reader may, if he please, try to find out when
he is likely to see Vegetable Physiology, bit II. The whole will thus form,
in the mind of the student, a most desirable complication of the Novum
Organon, Athens, Malting and Mash-tubs, the COesars, Logarithms, Oxygen,
Tariffs, Telescopes, the Arian Controversy, the building of St. Paul's, Cellular
Tissues, and Reversionary Interests.
The success of various topographical works, which, in their periodical
production, illustrate perhaps a description of Northumberland, with views
in Norfolk or Middlesex; and of the Encyclopsedias, which accompany the
article Entomology, with probably the plates of Clockwork, or Geometry,
justify the Company in adopting a similar mode of arrangement.
The Company propose, in order to insure the greatest possible degree of
ultimate perfection, to commence some of the subjects with bits, developing
the present notions of the scientific world, and to keep them incomplete till
they can conclude them with the discoveries of the next generation on the
same topics; so that the statements in bit No. 1 will probably be corrected
by the subsequent discoveries in bit No. 2 of the same subject, to be pro-
duced ten years hence; but, considering the philanthropic views of the
Company, they will consider themselves quite at liberty to abandon, incom-
plete, any of the subjects which it may not be very easy for them to finish;
considering it to be fully in accordance with their general object to leave to
their followers that glorious desideratum of the aspiring and energetic
mind-
"The Pursuit of Knowledge under Difficulties."
Y2








324 AUGUST [1842.












VIII.
Tom Gad can't eat his morning meat,
His head of pain has twitches;
^ And his faithful chap can't find a rap
Of coin about his breeches:
S But turns the pockets of each inexpressible,
.e Merely to show how far they were accessible.

Losing Hazard resembles the sea, it is plain,
b For it certainly swallows things up by the main;
I But the fellow who in the destructive game dabs,
Though he catches no fish, is full sure to throw crabs.
He deserves to be beat with the best of crab sticks,
P& For though "six, seven, eight," have got, each of them,
tricks,
They, at last, lay the gambler undone on the shelf,
And then he is taken by old .ick himself;
Besides, he's a noodle undoubted, who'd try
To be making a livingby going to die!

S 15. The boy Jones sent to sea.
Jones, you'll be tossed at sea, as I've a notion;
But the dread perils of the ocean, 0 shun !
Winds, when the fair Aurora dawns, 0 roar
Not in your might till Jones has gone ashore;
Waters, swell not yon yeasty billows high,
Till that young swell's on land, and very dry;
For though his name is Jones, and though he did
Enter the palace, and not touch the knocker,
There is no reason right why Jones's kid
Should be consign'd to Davy Jones's locker.


It's a science methinks-though La
Fontaine may brag,
That, in language of slang, sir, is not
worth a mag;
And, although men some mighty phe-
nomenon see,
When it loosens the elbow or stiffens
the knee,
S Yet they get to no end, and are still
plunged in schism,
While the world's looking on, and ex
The Finish. claiming that'tis hum-
Bug every bit-and as much waste of
time
As thus cramming mag-knee-'tis-hum
into rhyme.

























































The Ups and Downs of Life










THE UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE;
Or, Polytechnic Pond-erings Elaborated in the Bell.
MR. GREEN is, with all deference to the gentleman of another colour who
generally assumes that title, the real Prince of the Air. He rides upon the
whirlwind where he lists: the atmosphere welcomes him with hail! and the
bridled tempest offers him its vains. If the perfection of the science of
abrostation he so perfectly within his grasp, it is plain the elements must long
since have yielded: he knows all their economies, and regards the zephyrs as
familiar airs. The mischievous wind, so often presuming on its intangibility,
by committing all sorts of depredations, and then scudding off, is compelled
to confess its inability to cope with him, and to own the presence of Green
in its eye." Hecate is, compared to him, a dull, powerless agent; for his
spirits do not wait for him on the rather uncertain tenement of a foggy
cloud-which, from its surchargement with aqueous vapour in suspension,
stands a chance of converting them into weak grog-but lie neck and heels
at the bottom of his car, assimilating, in their nature, to bottle imps. When
other people call a coach he unconcernedly takes a fly, and floats up like
down. Other blessings attend his aerial wanderings. His champagne and
stout are sure to be up; his cold pheasant is palatably high; and his other
refreshments range far above all imitations. He takes leave of the world, not
as an anchorite, but to enter a livelier grade of superior society, moving in an
elevated position; and bears with philosophical indifference the wide reverses
of his existence, from the most rapid rise to a subsequent decline and fall;
although, at the same time, no man has more uniformly good prospects. We
only wonder how he can tolerate our dull earth, and wager he never feels so
secure with the flags of the pavement as he does with those of his own
balloon. His very nature must have been reduced to what it works in-the
atmosphere: and those who may eventually succeed to his possessions can be
no other than the Airshire legatees. The rise and fall of the stocks affect him
not-his own keep pace with his situation ; and the glance of his eye sweeps
the whole range beneath him with a bird's-eye wipe. There are but few
difficulties on earth that he cannot grapple with. His balloon is his sub-
stantial and impregnable castle in the air, which he has built himself: and
he always has his wits about him cool and collected, though, like a wool-
gathering ruminator, he is constantly in the clouds. Although Mr. Green
was long connected with the Polytechnic Institution, where his aeronautic
whirligigs used to demonstrate the power he had acquired in guiding balloons,
we are convinced he never went down in a diving-bell, for he would have
been literally out of his element; unless the galvanic experiments at the
same time could have chemically decomposed the water around it into its
constituent gases, and he would then have gone aloft with his darling hydro-
gen. We once saw him contemplating the diving-bell; but it was with the air
of an eagle of the sun gazing at a dabchick, apparently lost in wonder, not
at the machine, but at the eagerness of the visitors to descend in it, to the
chilly depths of the tank. It was evident that he no more regarded them as
of his own species than the brilliant libellula, rising in the sunshine, owns
the immature chrysalis lying at the bottom of the pool.
We ourselves, who are not a prey to such flights of ambition, hold the
Polytechnic Institution, and its million wonders, in especial reverence from
beginning to end, and think it fortunate that its professors live in enlightened
times, or they would be assuredly burnt for necromancers, ard form their own
fire-clouds; producing photographic shadows of themselves, by the glare of







326 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1842.

their own faggots. Not being inclined to soar aloft, we rather approve of the
diving-bell, and often pay it a visit. It affords matter of gratification to
everybody. The scientific man goes down to measure the pressure of the
atmosphere upon the drums of his ears, and see the displacement of water by
air; the sightseer and curiosity-hunter, to experience a novel sensation;
the hair-brained lounger, fresh from Regent-street, with his little stick and
blotting-paper-coloured Chesterfield, to put up a lark," although the bottom
of a tank of water is certainly rather an unlikely place to find such a
creation; and the lover of display, to gratify a trifle of ambition in becoming
the pro-tempore lion of the place, as he emerges from the bell on its emersion
from the water, in the bright eyes of the pretty girls who are looking down
on his sub-aqueous venture from the galleries above.
The diving-bell, in the present era of compound-progressive science, is only
in its infancy-its tinkle will, ere long, be changed to a toll: we speak
metaphorically, and do not allude to the shilling paid for entrance. We have
passed the adventures in the picture which illustrate the article BELL-
Diving," in the Encyclopsedias, representing two gentlemen, who have
secured places inside, holding air-tubes, and one, more venturesome; who has
strolled to take a cold without, carrying a small bell on his head, and a boat-
hook in his hand, amidst rocks and sea-weeds. Bolder schemes are in pro-
gress. The bell will open a new line for travellers to the Antipodes, by going
right through the sea at once, and thus curtailing the journey by the
geometrical relation which the diameter bears to half the circumference.
Neither should we be surprised if people, addicted to go down to watering-
places, go down at once to the very bottom, and choose waterproof summer
villas on the beds of'or lakes and rivers, exempt from land-tax and ground-
rent; when, stationed in the water, they fling defiance at the law of the
land. Such a position would be a fitting site whereon Father Mathew and
his proselytes could erect a temple to the Genius of Teetotalism.
We need not add, it will take some time to bring the public mind to an
idea of the security of these abodes. The shilling'sworth of flurry and .ear-
ache which the adventurers purchase so readily, still, however, finds a
rapid sale. We descended the other day with a lady who had a great
deal of the former commodity for her money. Her fright was extreme,
wvhen the huge monster that contained us first swung off its perch; and,
when its mouth touched the water, she gave way to the wildest despair,
even to attempt breaking the windows with her parasol. The only moment
of security she experienced was when she reached the bottom. Here she fairly
jumped down off her seat, on which it had required great exertion to retain
her, and begged to be left where she was, now she had once reached the
ground again, observing, we might go back in the bell if we chose, but, for
lier part, she preferred substantial footing to again trusting herself in such a
crack-me-crazy vehicle.







1842.] SEPTEMBER. 327


Ix.
Tom Gad, d'ye see, out on a spree,
Gets whopp'd in Covent Garden;
They knock him down, and crack his crown,
And leave him not a farden:
And then, for making such a fuss, to-day,
They give poor Thomas into custody.

Policemen are the upstarts" of the nation,
For every one appears above his station;
And would you know his tyranny full well,
I fear you'll buy your knowledge in a cell.
1. Why is the back of a hare like a narrow escape ?
Because it's "a hare's breadth."
29. Rent Day-Landlords' levee.
Bent Day !-a day when all hearts most are rent
With torture-save, the heart of lusty Dan;
Then gets he that which makes him most content,
Rent from the ragged and rent-breeches man;
Bent upon rent, and all without remorse,
SYet Dublin deems the foul extortion fair,
And swears that, as he's ridden the high Horse
So long and well, she now will make him Mayor-
A Mayor who, though he makes of flfties-cronies,
Yet has a most maternal love for Ponies.
Star-gazing in season.
Yes! gaze, and cry, "My stars-all wondrous fair.
'That, by your shining do behave as sich,"
Look up-you'll find..your very soul'is there
Look down-youribody's rolling in the'ditcn!


Leading the Van.


"'The Beauty ufthe Heavens."







328 THE COMIC ALMANAC. 1842.



NEW EDITION OF BURNS.

Published October 30, 1841, at the Toyer.

THE indefatigable Mr. Swallow has obligingly forwarded to us
the following list of valuable relics, which were rescued from the
"devouring element," during the late conflagration at the Tower:-
Half of the lid of a pot, inscribed-" Fox's Circassian Cream,"
and supposed to have belonged to Renard, the Spanish Ambassador
at the Court of Queen Mary.
The handle of the warming-pan which was used for the bed of
the young princes the night previous to their being smothered.
The bowl of the identical pipe with which the executioner of
Guy Fawkes composed himself, after he had accomplished his
unpleasant duty.
A portion of a bottle, which contained the liquid used to polish
the Bluchers of Edward the Black Prince; part of the label, with
the letters WA-- still in high preservation, and clearly indicating
the determined resolution of that undaunted hero.
A tile, with the initials W.R.," and which, it is judged from
the caligraphy, belonged to the time of William Boof-us.
A massive trowel, the state of its edge proving that there must
have been a strike" of Masons in former days.
A spice-box, supposed to have contained the mace of the ancient
Lord Mayors of London.
A fragment of a Cigar, very probably a portion of the Begalia.
A five-shilling piece, in an imperfect state; doubtless the crown
that Richard the Second resigned to Henry of Lancaster.
A constable's truncheon, with a certificate of its having formed
the Duke of Wellington's staff at Waterloo.
The feet of the gridiron that cooked the last chop, but one, for
the ill-fated Duke of Buckingham.
Apitch-er, used by the tars to drink grog out of, after the dis-
persion of the Spanish Armada.






























































Goino! Cone!!










GOING! GONE!
THE AUCTION-HERE.

GIASSES, tables, pictures, chairs, Dutch ovens, and beds;-and
knots of men upon the stairs, with knots upon their heads;-and
the dining-room table put in the front drawing-room, and covered
by the back parlour carpet,-supporting the auctioneer, and the
clerk, and catalogues, and desk, altogether enough to warp it.-And
each hale porter stout is drawing lots" about, which, if brittle,
you may think fortunate, if from the room they are thrust whole,-
from the specimen post of the best front bed, and the book muslin
covers, that once were red, to the cinder-sieve and knife-board, in
the dust-hole.-" Any advance upon seven-eight, nine, ten, eleven
-going !-thank you, sir-twelve, thirteen. Tap gone for thirteen
-the cheapest bargain ever seen; they are yours, sir; if you pay,
they may go at once away. Six iron hoops, a water-butt, a bottle-
rack, and broom."-" Oh, Mr. Auctioneer, there's some mistake, I
fear, for not a word I said."-" But, sir, you nodded your head."-
" Oh, yes, to a friend in the room !"-And when the sale of the
silver things is going to begin, the room's so hot, and the crowd
so dense, from the people scrowdging in;-and the struggle for the
loss is so great 'mongst those who compete, that you'd say there
was a race for the plate in a general heat.-And there's a great
Jew upholder, that I'm forced to uphold on my shoulder-leaning
upon my chair, with long, black, greasy hair, that would make Sir
Peter Laurie swear, and a coat as rough as a bear; it's rather too
bad to let him in amongst respectable people, in his bear-skin;
and I don't know what he can mean, but I suppose it's his fat that
makes him lean.-" Ladies and gentlemen, I must beg silence,-for
the babel of your tongues may be heard a mile hence.-I first offer
to your notice an article of vertu, as old as the world itself, both
curious and rare too, that was dug up beneath some ruins in the
Sicilies,-and is from the undoubted chisel of Praxiteles-represent-
ing a Venus, without legs, arms, or head; auz reste,-the trunk is
very beautiful, so is the chest."-" Mr. Auctioneer, your classic
knowledge is rather queer; and I don't wish to hurt you, but I
cannot understand Venus being an article of virtue; and if this
mutilated image is Venus coming from the sea, as you say, I
should rather incline to think that the sharks had been following in






330 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1842.
her lee all the way."-" We have here a fine painting by Vandyke,-
a correct portrait of anybody you like-and a bust of the celebrated
ballad-singer, Homer,-who, throughout the towns of Greece, was
a roamer,-where 'tis known, by even the most illiterate dunce,
that he'd the luck to be born in seven different cities at once;-but
all his endeavours to raise a penny from each of these places
seemed to fail,-for he never got out-door relief from any, although
it seems to have been a Union on a most extensive scale.-I'll
thank you to give me a good bidding, if you please-for you rarely
see such authentic originals as these-which I have offered to the
gaze of the beholders.-The bust upon which you have all bent your
eyes was buried in Pompeian lava for centuries,-where it, all that
time, had lain."-" Then, perhaps, sir, you can explain the meaning
of the motto 'Austin and Seeley,' on the shoulders."-And in the
midst of this general din the rafters of the floor all tumble in,-and
down to the parlour the company and auctioneer go,-which rather
cumflusticates those who are sitting below; and so,-amidst
the general confusion and rout,-we ourselves will contrive to
scramble out-from the room in which we were crammed;-and, on
gaining the fresh air, we are almost tempted to swear, if we go
there again we'll be-shot !


A SMITH'S VICE.

WHEN late-too late, indeed-it was found out,
That shoals of large Exchequer bills were spurious,
It made, no doubt,
The holders furious-
And indignation grew quite busy with
That fraudful felon, Edward Beaumont Smith,
When prosecuted, at the Queen's expense,
Guilty, he pleaded;
An act that surely did not show his sense,
And little needed,
While he had this defence :-
Gentlemen,-any frauds by me displayed
Were in the way of trade;
I forged the bills, 'tis true; what then, I ask?
Pray was it, do you think, the sort of task
To earn for me a scourging ?
For, since the days of Vulcan, I would know,
Up to this very last Exchequer go,
How could a Smith be great, except in forging ?"






330 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1842.
her lee all the way."-" We have here a fine painting by Vandyke,-
a correct portrait of anybody you like-and a bust of the celebrated
ballad-singer, Homer,-who, throughout the towns of Greece, was
a roamer,-where 'tis known, by even the most illiterate dunce,
that he'd the luck to be born in seven different cities at once;-but
all his endeavours to raise a penny from each of these places
seemed to fail,-for he never got out-door relief from any, although
it seems to have been a Union on a most extensive scale.-I'll
thank you to give me a good bidding, if you please-for you rarely
see such authentic originals as these-which I have offered to the
gaze of the beholders.-The bust upon which you have all bent your
eyes was buried in Pompeian lava for centuries,-where it, all that
time, had lain."-" Then, perhaps, sir, you can explain the meaning
of the motto 'Austin and Seeley,' on the shoulders."-And in the
midst of this general din the rafters of the floor all tumble in,-and
down to the parlour the company and auctioneer go,-which rather
cumflusticates those who are sitting below; and so,-amidst
the general confusion and rout,-we ourselves will contrive to
scramble out-from the room in which we were crammed;-and, on
gaining the fresh air, we are almost tempted to swear, if we go
there again we'll be-shot !


A SMITH'S VICE.

WHEN late-too late, indeed-it was found out,
That shoals of large Exchequer bills were spurious,
It made, no doubt,
The holders furious-
And indignation grew quite busy with
That fraudful felon, Edward Beaumont Smith,
When prosecuted, at the Queen's expense,
Guilty, he pleaded;
An act that surely did not show his sense,
And little needed,
While he had this defence :-
Gentlemen,-any frauds by me displayed
Were in the way of trade;
I forged the bills, 'tis true; what then, I ask?
Pray was it, do you think, the sort of task
To earn for me a scourging ?
For, since the days of Vulcan, I would know,
Up to this very last Exchequer go,
How could a Smith be great, except in forging ?"







1842.] OCTOBER. 331













X.
All pale and weak, before the beak,
Degraded Tom is taken;
He was too late to save his pate,
He is to save his bacon!
& He stands and listens, sad and dogged,
To "fined five bob" for being grogged.

S 15. The Ladies at the Palace, hearing that at the
expected birth Royal salutes were to be given,
petitioned the Prince that they might not be
overlooked in the arrangement.
S24. A tidey overflow of the Thames.
S The river o'erflow'd-to the grief of good fellers,
Thl Ptnat -ie- The tide soon invaded the publicans' cellars;
The buyers ne'er found that it injured their store,
For surely the gin was all water before.
80. Affair of the Caroline-M'Leod's acquittal.
It would have been almost beyond a joke
e For such a cloud to end in aught but smoke;
tai.rl i, But had he been sedate, discreet, and staid, he
asa lHad never quarrell'd about any lady;
And Grog-an, grog had mix'd, in better quarters,
Than came of mixing up in troubled waters.
Fancy Portrait.
g Maling light of it.
~)Th&Ctouit0is nont! Eagle.

NzKf


Forging by Bill Smith-hot work.


A burning shame.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT.

No third-floor front that ever looked upon the golden waters of Ball's
Pond harboured swain more favoured by nature and art than the young
Augustus Kutitphat. His father was the renowned Orlando Kosenem Von
Kutitphat who, passing over from Germany to this country in three ships,
became arbiter elegantiarum at Hockley-in-the-Hole, and his mother was
nearly related to that unprecedented Simpson who conferred immortality
upon the bowers of Vauxhall. At the age of nineteen Augustus was
bereaved of his parents, from whom he inherited a mine of brass (in his
face), and a harvest of curls (hair-looms) unparalleled in the annals of
(Bear's) Greece. He was not, as he himself asserted, critically handsome,
but eminently genteel. Manners make the man," he was accustomed to
observe, but the tailor, the gentleman: appearance is the premium where-
with you can discount society; it's gammon to talk about the aristocracy of
birth; why there's a second fiddle at Astley's that no Duke in the 'Red
Book' is fit to hold a candle to: Inever had a grandfather, and is there any
mistake about me ?"
In this way of thinking, and a primrose satin waistcoat, Augustus pro-
ceeded to essay the truth of his philosophy. A great poet has said, All
the world's a stage;" had he added, "licensed only for the performance
of pantomime," the fancy would have well assorted with the fact. To
succeed in the drama of life the performer needs only activity-to keep
his eyes open, and his heart and his mouth shut. The two former of these
elements of success Kutitphat possessed; had the three been combined, he
might have become Lord Mayor. Though a denizen of Islington, inhabiting
a chamber which, had the house been another remove from town (at the
Antipodes), would have been the cellar-by grace of patent-leather Welling-
tons and a Polish tailor, he himself achieved a polish that not one in a
thousand would have known from the true metal. Even the ingenious youth
who, with a red coatee ard nose to correspond, enacts the esquire at Crock-
ford's, looking after the coursers of the knighfs-errant who there do congre.
gate-even he, albeit as good an authority in such matters as the Lord
Chamberlain himself, was almost led into the indiscretion of a bow.
Augustus had just turned into St. James's Street, when our Cad-Crock-
fordian caught sight of him. His right hand had all but reached the bit
of felt that did duty for the rim of his hat; but it fell ere the error was
irretrievable. "No," he soliloquized; "it ain't not qvite the ticket, but
unkimmin good at the price: blest if I wasn't nearly had-wont he step
into some on 'em. At first, wouldn't I have pounded it he was a real swell;
but, now I twig him nearer, his mother don't know as he's a taking of
the air."


[1842.
























































Premium and Discount







,1842.] PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT. 333

Angelina Ampletin was one of the prettiest girls in Pimlico, and, if
there was any truth in rumour, very far from one of the worst catches.
Papa had retired from business at Billingsgate, with money enough to found
a dozen joint-stock 'banks, and leave a handsome surplus. In fact, his
turbot and salmon were all gold and silver fish Now, as Augustus entered
the enclosure of the Park, Angelina and one of her friends were studying
ornithology on the margin of the stream that meanders between the Horse
Guards and Buckingham Palace. A glance of soul-speaking sympathy
passed between the youth and maiden-and, behold the tiny hand of her
Breguet had not accomplished another revolution ere they were in con-
fidential communication. Let us not dwell on the progress of their loves;
day by day did they perambulate the sylvan shades of Kensington Gardens
(so called because destitute of both flower and fruit); and at length the
critical avowal was made-Angelina blushed her passion-" she lived only
for her Augustus ; would he, indeed, fondly love on to the close ?" History is
divided concerning the exact nature of his reply. According to one
account he is said to have declared that, if false, nothing should prevent
his being "jiggered ;" while another asserts that, in evidence of immuta-
bility, he called upon the zephyrs that sighed around them, then and there
to blow him tight." Alas for Augustus, that which the figure of his
form had built up, the figure of his rhetoric laid desolate. Angelina was
the soul of refinement and education, having been finished at Turnham
Green. With a look of horror she fled the presence of Kutitphat-that
blow was the unkindest cut of all!
It was November, but still the weather was delicious. All the gay
things of nature were abroad; and even the wretched sought to borrow a ray
of the rich sunshine. Over the still verdant carpet of Hyde Park were
gliding graceful groups of fair women; while, among them, moved a form
that seemed to have little business there at such a time. Bless ye dear
muffs and boas, no heresy is here intended, for instinct would curl the nose
of an angel in Eden who should chance upon a fellow in the ddbris of an
ancient Taglioni, and no shirt. Was it a wonder, then, that Angelina gave
a wide berth to Augustis when she encountered him in such a category?
Where were now his airs and graces ? All-all gone The station, like
"the herald Mercury," exchanged for a posture between a faint and a sneak;
the glance of scorn, for the mien of supplication; the sheen of promise, for
the sear of despair People speak of Brummel frying his own tripe as if
it were something to wonder at. Let them take a turn in St. James's
Park, any day between the first of January and the last of December, and,
unless they shut their eyes, they will discover more than one member of the
Kutitphat family at a discount.







334 NOVEMBER. [1842.


Tom Gad, Tom Gad-my lad, my lad,
Now never mind your head 0 !
Here comes your wife to save your life;
You must sit up in bed 0!
You must put up with one attack from her,
And then put up your traps, and back with her.


2. Michaelmas Term begins.
CHAMBER PRACTICE.
Fiction all day-to use, whatever the fact is-
To find that everything against some Act is-
Champagne to drink all night, till the brain rack'd is-
That's Chamber Practice!
A BBaEr.
For pay, to prove the honest man a thief-
For pay, to break the widow's heart with grief-
To stifle truth-for lies to gain belief-
That's a Brief!
S DEEDS carefully abstracted.
Ten thousand words, where ten would serve the
Ten thousand meanings, discord meant to breed,
Where none can understand, and few can read-
l. That's a Deed 1
S 9. The Lord Mayor takes water at West-
minster Hall, and wine at Guildhall.
Royal Babby born
THE NURSE'S SOLILOQUY.
Gog and Magog-all How do I dote upon my royal charge,
a-gog. Born to be great, and growing to be large;
Sprung, in his beauty, from the parent-tree,
Pray, Mrs. Lilly, when An heir, and eke a-parent too, is he.
is His Royal Highness to Dear bellowing babby-apple of my eye,
be dressed en grande A young trump-card, turn'd in the royal rubber;
tensue Don't know, my As Duke of Cornwall, how he used to cry,
dressed the nursel.is And now he's Prince of Whales oh! wont he
blubber!












I '


A4,


The Parlout and The Cellar









THE PARLOUR AND THE CELLAR.
" Mos' epic poets plunge in medias res,"
So, as the better plan with scenes like these
(At least, the quicker),
I treat the past as a foregone conclusion,"
Whereby the reader's saved no small confusion,
Seeing my dram, person" are in liquor.
Opens our scene what time thus spake the host
(A gentleman who has two friends to dine,
That two, as you perceive, are soused in wine,
Like Jacob's swine):
Rising to do the honours of the board
(His case of drink" such as became a lord),
"I beg to pro-po-pop-prop-pose a toast;
Not to my honourable friend that's down,
For he al-sted-dead-ready is done brown;
But to the gentleman before me there
(Is there a pair P),
Filling, with so much dignity, his chair:-
A toast, the very birthright of a nation,
Where virtue is the attribute of station;
A toast, were I the swi-swe-swain that delves-
Or peer, or plebs, I'd drink while I'd a hand
To hold a glass in-or a leg to stand-
Our noble selves."

Thus sped affairs-up stairs,
Or, properly to speak it, in the salon
A manger, where a group of the elite
Were busied in the intellectual feat
Of swilling claret by the gallon.
'I said "up stairs," however, let me state,
To indicate
That, under the aforesaid festive salle,
There lay a spacious subterranean hall,
Cellar, or, with your leave, we'll call it vault
(Because the word is wanted for the rhyme),
Wherein, at that especial point of time,
There sat a party deeply gone in malt;







THE COMIC ALMANAC,


Consisting of two Christians and a nigger
(Meant, you will understand, to represent
Servants of the establishment),
Now, let me beg you to observe the figure,
Whereby the artist hath portrayed the latter-
Nothing in ebony was ever fatter;
In look and leer a more incarnate satyr;
How better could he illustrate our matter,
Which is a satire P
Hark! Mungo speaks-" 0 golly! what a go,
Them four-ur-twenty bottle ob a row,
Beer in um casks, and claret on um shelbes;
Come, massa butler! neber spare um whack;
Mungo shall drink, solong as Mungo black-
Our noble selbes.'"

Smile on-but have a heed, least, soon or later,
Apply the de te fabula narrator."



DECEMBER-NOTES OF THE MONTH.

1. Bernard Cavanagh detected.
He went too fast; in hopes his trick would tell
To bite the Bark-shire boys he took a spell;
But Reading sauce soon cured the hungry sinner,
And now he'd jump to get a Christmas dinner.

9. Prize Cattle Show-Blank faces.
There gazes John, delighted on
The blowing bloated beast;
'Tis hard to swear which of the pair
Of brains possesses least.
21. Ladies scold least.
Pray what's the reason they have less to say?
Why, simply this, that 'tis the shortest day.
25. Dine out (if you can).
Christmas upsets the world:-a very slow pull
Have foreign places: Turkey's deem'd divine;
But who cares twopence for Constantinople;
And isn't China fairly lost in Chine?


[18I42.







THE COMIC ALMANAC,


Consisting of two Christians and a nigger
(Meant, you will understand, to represent
Servants of the establishment),
Now, let me beg you to observe the figure,
Whereby the artist hath portrayed the latter-
Nothing in ebony was ever fatter;
In look and leer a more incarnate satyr;
How better could he illustrate our matter,
Which is a satire P
Hark! Mungo speaks-" 0 golly! what a go,
Them four-ur-twenty bottle ob a row,
Beer in um casks, and claret on um shelbes;
Come, massa butler! neber spare um whack;
Mungo shall drink, solong as Mungo black-
Our noble selbes.'"

Smile on-but have a heed, least, soon or later,
Apply the de te fabula narrator."



DECEMBER-NOTES OF THE MONTH.

1. Bernard Cavanagh detected.
He went too fast; in hopes his trick would tell
To bite the Bark-shire boys he took a spell;
But Reading sauce soon cured the hungry sinner,
And now he'd jump to get a Christmas dinner.

9. Prize Cattle Show-Blank faces.
There gazes John, delighted on
The blowing bloated beast;
'Tis hard to swear which of the pair
Of brains possesses least.
21. Ladies scold least.
Pray what's the reason they have less to say?
Why, simply this, that 'tis the shortest day.
25. Dine out (if you can).
Christmas upsets the world:-a very slow pull
Have foreign places: Turkey's deem'd divine;
But who cares twopence for Constantinople;
And isn't China fairly lost in Chine?


[18I42.







1842.] DECEMBER. 337


xII.

Tom Gad got well-no more a swell-
Is home among his friends;
His mind is eased, his wife is pleased,
And here my story ends-
With just this moral-" Unless you'd be undone,
Don't leave your spouse, and come alone to London."



-" f t CHRISTMAS FARE.
S7 A MEnnY MUG! though he could not be uglier, he
Has nought about him that betokens Jugg-ler-y.

A GooSE, even tailors have, who cut it fat,
And use the goose itself to get aflat;
And when the cloth is spread, which they have
i f C stored,
They lodge it there, a portion of their board.

Snap Dragon-Fiery face-ias.
CHINE'S Christmas fare, cries Pat, but, by my sowl,
\ ^ Sure TurKEY isn't, for it's Christmas fowl.

Eat your pudding hot; but-
Don't burn their mouths,
The little dears while treating,
-Though still the proof
Of pudding's in the heating.


A round game at Christmas.







338 THE COMIC ALMANAC. 1I842.

PROCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES, 1841.

THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY.
[OuR country readers may probably not be aware that there exists in Lon-
don a body of pleasant-minded gentlemen, constituting a society bearing the
above name, who collect, with never-wearying application and research, the
various statistical reports connected with every subject of the day. Their
proceedings are duly chronicled in the different scientific and literary reviews,
but as these may not be within the reach of all, we have collected the most
interesting points discovered by their labours, during the past twelvemonth,
and present them as a Year Book of Facts" to our admirers.]

Some valuable particulars have been gained in connection with the supper
taverns of London. Of every twenty visitors, it appears that eight order
Welsh rabbits, six ditto broiled kidneys, four ditto poached eggs, and two
ditto chops or steaks, as their taste may direct; and that these numbers are
divided into seven medical students, five lawyers' clerks, three gentlemen
from the country, the same number of men about town, and two shop-boys or
single tradesmen, who imagine they are so. Of these, more than one-third
call the waiters "Charles," or Tom;" two in five join loudly in the burdens
of The Pope," and The Monks of Old;" and one in four encores the
comic songs by striking his fists upon the table, until the cruets commence
performing an intricate figure of their own, and finally tumble down upon the
floor.
The statistics of Camberwell Fair are exceedingly interesting; and the
following return of the state of fifty dolls there purchased, at the end of a
week from the time of buying, will be read, we are assured, with avidity:
Had their eyes poked in, and rattling loose in the head. 12
Ditto picked out. . . 8
Despoiled of their wigs. . . .. 6
Lost their arms and legs .. . 9
Melted before the fire .. ..... .3
Had their noses beaten flat against the bars .. ... 7
Totally destroyed . . 4
In tolerable preservation . .. 1

Total . ... 50
As the affection of a child for its doll proverbially increases according to the
dilapidated state of the latter, the above tables afford an interesting view of
the probable existing proportion of nursery attachments at the present
moment. One child in three, at the Fair, had a mouth covered with ginger-
bread crumbs, and five in twelve had the stomach-ache. The promenade
Concert d'Et6, which lasted all day long, embraced twenty-two penny trum-
pets, or cornets-a-bois, nineteen musical fruits, six fiddles with packthread
strings, and four drums, varying in price from sixpence to two shillings. A
solo, by a very young performer, on a tin rattle filled with peas, was very
much admired.
A paper, involvingsome singular points of'manufacturing economy, has
been written, entitled, What becomes of all the pins ?" It appears, froni
Professor Partington, that twenty millions of pins are daily manufactured in







PROCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES.


. this country. These get into general circulation, and after a time, entirely
disappear; but the remarkable fact is, that, like the swallows, nobody knows
where they go to. It is proved that, were it possible to recall these lost
articles, a quantity might be collected sufficient to build the projected foot-
bridge at Hungerfbrd Market, and the residue might be cast into one enor-
mous pin, which should be erected as a column in any part of London best
suited for its elevation, and to be called Victoria's Pin," in opposition, to
" Cleopatra's Needle," at Alexandria. There would be a winding staircase in
the interior, with a saloon in its head, and it might serve, not only as a land-
mark in stormy weather for the fourpenny steamboats plying between Vaux-
hall and London Bridge, but, since the setting up of statues to everybody
that dies is getting into fashion, the column could be crowned with an image
of Shakspeare, Byron, or any other inferior character who has not yet been
so honoured, in London, beyond the lobbies of the theatres and Madame
Tussaud's.
Trom the visiting report On the Lunatic Asylums of the United King-
dom," we learn that the persons of unsound or slightly cracked intellects in
England, amount to ninety per cent., but that straight-waistcoats have gone
out of fashion, being superseded by straight pea-jackets with the majority
of the aberrated. Of a great quantity of lunatics now in Bedlam, five out
of thirteen are addicted to punching the crowns out of their hats, and then
putting them on topsy-turvy; and two in seventeen are not quite clear
whether they are the Secretary of State or Julius Cesar, but collect small
pebbles, which they call petrified bears' heads and five-shilling pieces.
Ninety-one and a half per cent. believe they are perfectly sane, and that all
the rest are stark mad; whilst two in nine are preparing to bring an action
against the Queen for breach of promise of marriage. Of three hundred
wooden bowls allowed them for their gruel, twenty-four had been thrown at
the nurses and keepers in one day; and, in a single instance, one had been
converted into a species of cap, which was put on with much' solemnity, and
the wearer then kept close watch in the yard for the whole week over a
strawberry-pottle, which he represented to be Windsor Castle. At Hanwell,
from the proximity of the asylum to the railway, twenty per cent. believe
that they are first-class carriages, and have a habit of whistling loudly when
they approach, that the others may get out of the way; a proceeding which
is generally advisable.
A statement has also been made connected with the omnibuses of the
metropolis, from which it appears that, when you are waiting at the corner
of any street for an omnibus, seven out of eight are going the wrong way.
Ninety per cent. of the cads ask if you will ride outside when you hail
them; and, out of thirteen passengers, three wear kid gloves, eight sport
brown Berlin, and two none at all.


REPORT OF THE CATNACH SOCIETY.
ESTABLISHED A.D. 1841, ON THE MODEL OF THE CAMDEN, PERCY, AND
SHAKSPEARE SOCIETIES.
RULES.
I.-The Society shall be called the Catnach Society.
II.-The chief object of the Society shall be to reprint rare and unedited
ballads and handbills, printed, at various times, by Messrs. Catnach, Birt,
and Pitt, of Great St. Andrew Street, Seven Dials.
z2







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


III.-The Society shall consist of as many subscribers as can be got to-
gether, and, as a precaution against bolting, the subscriptions shall be paid
in advance.
IV.-A subscription of a guinea a year shall entitle the members to receive
a copy of all the works issued by the Society.

BOOKS ALREADY PRINTED.
1.-The Greenacre Garland; or, a Merrie Manual for Midnight Mur-
derers: A collection of the most remarkable dying-speech bills issued with-.
in the last forty years; comprising letters written, and hymns composed by
the malefactors the night before their executions, speeches on the scaffold,
copies of verses detailing the crime, and written for music, with views of
the execution, and occasional portraits of the felons. Edited by the late
Thomas Cheshire, Esq., of Newgate, Middlesex.
2.-A Collection of Political Songs and Ballads, having reference to
some local particulars connected with a county election in 1833. As the
allusions in these relics are but imperfectly understood, and the interest
has quite gone by, this forms a valuable addition to the works already
published.
3.-The Street Anthology of the Nineteenth Century; comprising notices
of the most popular itinerant musicians of the day: to which is added, an
inquiry into the probable author of Jim along Josey;" with memoirs of the
following eminent perambulators-viz., the little man in the soldier's coat,
with the "jolly nose," who indulges in Billy Barlow and Follow the Drum,
under a very diminutive and dilapidated umbrella, on certain evenings in
Leicester Square; the professional gentleman in the oil-skin cap, and
whiskers inclining to auburn, who sings to the dulcimer and attends the
races; the ambiguous character who ties his hair in bows, wears sandals,
carries a fan, and sings She promised to buy me a bunch of blue ribbons,"
and dances to the chorus-" Tilly ung de rung tung de rung day," as he
plays an imaginary piano on his ribs; the two young gentlemen who black
their faces with soot and tallow, and sing Sich a getting up stairs," stand-
ing upon their heads, and dancing with their feet in the air; the conjuror
who wears a scarlet coat, does the doll trick, and tries to imitate Jerry,"
but who does not succeed therein.
4.-Merrie England in the Modern Time; or, Richardson and his
Friends. A singular collection of showbills and street advertisements,
edited by the late.Mr. Richardson, of travelling-theatre celebrity; including
details of the various fairs he attended, and embracing endless anecdotes of
his contemporaries-the learned pig, black wild Indian, white Negress,
Scotch giant, fat boy, Welsh dwarf, young Saunders, Mr. Samivell, the
equestrian, &c.; interspersed with many outlandish songs and recitations,
and dialogues between masters of shows and Mr. Merriman.
5.-Three Yards for a Penny. A repertoire of some reprinted popular
lyrical poems prevalent at the commencement of the reign of Queen Vic-
toria; including Happy Land," "Claude du Val," "Woodman, spare that
Tree," Nix my Dolly," Wanted a Something," &c. &c.


E1842.







1842.]


AN EARNEST LOVE LETTER.

To the Editor of the Comic Almanack.

GooD MASTER RIGDuM FUNNIDOS,
I am incurably in love with a young lady, residing in
the country, but have reason to think, from what passed between us
at our last interview, that she has some misgivings respecting my
fidelity. I therefore beg you will insert these lines in your
Almanack, which, as it circulates everywhere, will show everybody
that my intentions are strictly honourable.
Yours,
Greatly obliged, &c.,
PHIL. PHILOMEL.

Oh! why these cruel taunts throw out,
And say you cease to love me;
Or my affection that you doubt P
By all the stars above me,
I am not false-yet, since I fear
To meet a flat rejection,
I'll tell you when you may, with cause,
Mistrust my fond affection:

When trains from Railway termini
Start off at the same hour
Two weeks together, then begin
To doubt your beauty's power;
Or, when embankments cease to fall,
Or boilers to explode,
Or engines to run off the line,
You may some change forbode:

When.shrimps are caught at Putney Bridge,
And gudgeons at Herne Bay,
When the Thames Tunnel clears enough
Its shareholders to pay;
Or, when Thorwaldsen's Byron" stands
In Westminster's old Abbey,
You may, with truth, begin to think
My conduct rather shabby:







THE COMIC. ALMANAC.


When Autumn tourists cease to roam
To Switzerland or Baden;
Or when the lessees fortunes make
At Drury," or "The Garden;"
When Zbusses move along the Strand
As fast as you can walk-
Then think my words no longer true,
My vows of love all talk:


But, until then, I swear by all
The topics of the year-
SThe corn laws, sugar, opium, tea,
Lin, Elliott, and Napier,-
By D'Aumale's fortunate escape,
And Marie, "femme Laffarge,"
Who writes as well within her cell
As if she were at large:


Or by Napoleon's catafalque,
'Midst such grand rites erected
(Although it made not half the stir
The French King had expected);
By the dim last declining rays
Of weather-doom'd Vanxhall,
Or by Cerito's masquerade,
Which ne'er took place at all:-


By all these things, and many more
Which I've no time to write
(Because the various mail-trains start
At half-past eight each night),
I swear again, to prove most true,
And every vow fulfil,
Till fashion's idlers quit Hyde Park,
And lounge on Tower Hill.


[IS42.









LIKELIHOOD.
Is it likely-that the young Prince can lead any other than the
life of a soldier, since he is already in arms ?
Is it likely-that you can ride in an omnibus, without catching
one pane, through the absence of another ?
Is it likely-that you can ever get the work you particularly
want at a Subscription Library?
Is it likely-that you can be riding within half a mile of the
theatres, in the evening, without having twenty playbills thrust in
at your coach-windows P
Is it likely-when attending a meeting of creditors, where time is
asked for, that you will ever hear of less than the probability of
thirty shillings in the pound ?
Is it likely-that anybody on the Free List (" the public press
excepted") can gain admittance at a theatre when there is anything
worth seeing or hearing ?
Is it likely-that any account of a fire can be inserted in the
newspapers, unaccompanied by further particulars ?"
Is it likely-that an unfavourable review of a work can appear,
without the author's declaring that the writer has been actuated by
private malice ?
Is it likely-that you will find the National Gallery, or British
Museum, open at the day or hour a country cousin has selected for
visiting it?
Is it likely-that you can receive a present of game from the
country without paying, in carriage, more than it is worth, and
being expected to send a basket of fish in return ?
Is it likely-that your servant will find a coach or cab, on the
nearest stand, when you are in a hurry ?
Is it likely-that a friend will remember to return your umbrella
until the dry weather sets in ?
Is it likely-when you get into an omnibus at the Bank, that you
will arrive at Bond-street in the time in which you could have
pedestrianised the distance twice over ?
Is it likely-that the "positively last night" of a dramatic Star
will be the end of his performances F







THE COMIC ALMANAC


Is it likely-that a publisher will omit to announce a work as
"just ready," when it is not even written by the author P
Is it likely-that you will hear the popular preacher whose fame
has attracted you five miles on a foggy November Sunday morning ?
Is it likely-that you can remember the number of the coach in
which you have left your new silk umbrella ?
Is it likely-that the street musicians will pass on under double
the usual time, if you happen to be in a particularly ill-humour,
or are engaged in the miseries of authorship ?
Is it likely-that a day can pass without the manager of a
theatre receiving ten applications, from "particular friends," for
the use of the stage-box ?
Is it likely-that you can listen to a traveller, without hearing
"when I was abroad," twenty or thirty times repeated ?
Is it likely-for a snuff-taker to offer his box, without observing,
"that it is a bad habit, but he cannot do without it?"
Is it likely-for your country friends not to have seen more of
the London lions than you, who have been in town all your life ?
Is it likely-that a friend will refuse to lend you a hundred
pounds, without giving you plenty of advice ?
Is it likely-that you can take a trip to a watering-place, without
ever-last-ingly running against your shoemaker, and finding your
butcher there, cutting it fat ?"
Is it likely-that you can put on a new pair of boots, without
wishing the maker of them at-a pretty considerable distance; and
driving a hole in the floor with your stamp of-anything but
approbation ?
Is it likely-that a young lady can be induced to sit down to the
piano-forlt, until after she has raised fifty objections?
NOT VElY !







NOT VERY LIKELY.


[1842.