• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Front Matter
 Half Title
 Frontispiece
 Title Page
 Preface
 The comic almanack for 1841
 Back Matter
 Back Cover














Group Title: The Comic Almanack : an ephemeris in jest and earnest, containing merry tales, humorous poetry, quips, and oddities.
Title: The Comic almanack
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00007
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subject: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078634
Volume ID: VID00007
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image : cold water cure
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Preface
    The comic almanack for 1841
        Page 253
        January
            Page 254
            Image : Jan.
        Twelfth night ( not Shakspeare's )
            Page 255
            Page 256
        Curiosities of ornithology
            Image : curiosities
        February
            Page 257
        Saint Valentine : des oiseaux
            Page 258
            Page 259
        March
            Page 260
            Image : March
        Theatrical fun dinner
            Page 261
            Page 262
        April
            Image : April
            Page 263
        Dividend day at the bank
            Page 264
            Page 265
        May
            Page 266
            Image : May
        Settling day at the corner
            Page 267
            Page 268
        June
            Image : June
            Page 269
        Licensed victuallers' dinner
            Page 270
            Page 271
        Did you ever
            Page 271
            Page 272
        July
            Image : July
            Page 273
        Ode to the sea : ( with interruptions )
            Page 274
            Page 275
        August
            Page 276
            Image : Aug.
        Invasion of Boulogne
            Page 277
            Page 278
        September
            Image : Sept.
            Page 279
        Lament for Bartlemy fair
            Page 280
            Page 281
        October
            Page 282
            Image : Oct.
        London lions
            Page 283
            Page 284
        November
            Image : Nov.
            Page 285
        London fog
            Page 286
            Page 287
        December
            Page 288
            Image : Dec.
        Christmas comes but once a year
            Page 289
            Page 290
        Botherum astrologicum pro anno 1841
            Page 291
            Page 292
        Latest news from court
            Page 292
        Original notes
            Page 293
            Page 294
        Manners make the man
            Page 294
            Page 295
            Page 296
        Brandy and salt
            Page 297
        Association of British Illuminati
            Page 297
            Page 298
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text













Al












S Odd And Interesting

Dickens once visited Crilkshank's Atudio and there saw
a series of pictures illustrating the career of a London
thief. There was a sketch of Falin's den. the Artful
Dodger, Charley Bates and Bill Stkes. All these Dickeni
.worked Into the book, "Oliver Twist."


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THE

COMIC ALMANAC.


IST SERIES, 1835-1843.






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The Cold Water Cure.


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i







THE


COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPIIEMERIS:IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,

QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
STHACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.












"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF."

lBiti mango Tunbreb Illustrations

BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.











PRELIMINARY.




T HE Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long
been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as
among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending
over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive,
they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the
varied excellences of his marvellous power.
The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of
the Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged
upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers
Mayhew, the late Robert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has
been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of
"Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently
appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and Barber Cox, or the Cutting
of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for
1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2s. 6d., but
in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to Is.
The change did not produce the increased circulation expected,
and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2s. 6d. In
this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added,
and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner,
the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the work.
For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly
sought after by collectors, and as much as 61. and 71. have
been given. for good copies.
A Second Series, completing the work, will shortly be pub-
lished. It will be uniform in size and appearance with the
present volume, and embrace the years 1844-1853.
J. C. H.
















THE


COMIC ALMANAC

FOR 'I84I.







254 JANUARY. [1841.


COMMONS, BUT NOT SHORT COMMONS.

MARTYRS IN PRISON.
SHERIFFS in custody !-in very quod !
Deep, but still jolly, in their dreadful sin;
Both regular rum'uns,
Each a noble feller,
And living just as if the House of Commons
Had got a splendid cellar,
And shoved'em in the Duff and Gordon bin!
How very odd! The bar of the House.
A sheriff's officer's the soul of trap,
Like pot-house people, always at the tap,
Though not a bar-gent.
Thanks that no sheriff here was sent to prison
By any officer of his'n
Tapp'd in the time of" tarms"
But simply handed over to a sergeant
At arms!
These are no poets robb'd of attic bliss,
For when did Grub-street feed on grub like this ?
Ham, chicken, veal, or tongue A sergeant
For supper, 'stead of the "Night Thoughts" of Young; at arms.
Stilton,
Instead of Milton,
Champagne most sparkling, eau de vie most fiery,
And baskets full of cards of fond inquiry! -
J orums of punch, the bowl a very fixture,
A nd made, like snuff, a sort of Prince's mixture;
N o end of wine, and, ergo, no repining,
U useful distinction betwixt wine and whining;
A prison-palace-comfortable, airy, Milton
R ather a safe than dungeon, though terms vary; Stilton.
Y our sheriffs keep good terms with JANUARY.

6. Twelfth Day.
That biggest cake, so prime andnice,
What's its price ?
Guineas two!-well, there I'm done!
What's the other ?-guinea one!
Humph! that little 'un-you can buy
For half-a-guinea:-O my eye!
If you please, a penny bun!































JANUARY Twelth Night-drawing Characters








TWELFTH NIGHT.
(Not SHAKSPEarE'S.)
Miss MrFrms was a blooming nymph,
Of almost half a century,
Who long had grieved her book of life
To keep by single entry.
She'd once a quiver-full of beaus ;
Old, young, short, tall, dark, light:
Stokes, Nokes, Tibbs, Nibbs, Hill, Till, Fox, Knox;
But never Mister Right.
In fact, she was a leetle proud,
And loved to play and park it;
And so, like many another fair,
She'd overstood her market.
The Baker woo'd her once, and oft
At eve love's tale would tell her;
But all she said to him was this,
Begone you kneady feller !"
The Pieman, too, had tried his luck:
But there again her pride
Stood in her way: she couldn't bear
To be a Tarter's bride.
The man "wot drives the pleasure wan"
Had loved her to insanity;
But, as she said, "What's pleasure? Stuff!
And wans is nought but wanity !"
The Miller next, in honey'd words,
That love so promptly teaches,
Assail'd her heart. But Come," said she,
"None of your flowry speeches !"
The Clothesman, too, although a Jew,
Desired to be her beau;
But finding Phillis look so cold,
Returned to his old Clo'."
The Pawnbroker had also shown
A flatt'ring predilection:
But No," said she, don't look to me
For Pledges of affection."
Thus all the men she jilted then,
And one reply they got:
"She'd rather live without a tie"-
But now-she'd rather knot.
So one twelfth-day-that is, one sixth-
She went the cakes to view:
Like all the world, who feel, that day,
A cake-oEthes too.






THE COMIC ALMANACK.
Of course the boys soon pinn'd her fast,
(No greater plagues on earth!)
And her poor gown became the vic-
Tim of their boy-strous mirth.
A cracker, too, by sad mischance,
And while with fear she panted,
At one fell bounce, soon fired her flounce-
Though not the spark she wanted.
A hero bold who stood close by,
Quick to her rescue flew,
And tore away the flaming robe :-
Her pocket vanished too.
She went into a fit-so strong,
That two young Tailors swore
They'd never seen in all their lives
So tight a fit before.
The swain into whose arms she'd fall'n,
When to herself she'd come,
Seeing that she was "all abroad,"
Begg'd he might see her home.
Arrived, they talk'd of this and that,
Love, war, and heroes dead.
A soldier he-a man of rank
(And file, he might have said)-
A Polish Count, a Knight Grand Cross,
K. X., and Q. E. D.;
Grand Master of the Blood-red Dirk,
And R. O. G. U. E.
In fine, to make a long tale short,
He tickled her ambition;
And soon at Church persuaded her
To altar her condition.
Then off she wrote to all her friends-
Aunt Smith and Cousin Cole;
To tell them all the news, how she
Was tied to a great Pole.
But, oh! pride, pride must have a fall;
Her cash he soon got through:
And then, one mizzling Mich'lmas day,
The Count he mizzled too.
And ever since, on fair Twelfth Night,
A wand'ring form is seen:
A female form, and this its cry:-
Vy vot a Cake I've been!"






























Curiosities of Ornithology.







i841.] FEBRUARY. 257


A MARRY-TIME VIEW.


10. Queen Victoria's marriage.
To gaze upon the wide expanse of ocean,
Far as horizon, I confess, sublime ;
To feast our eyes on nuptial groups in motion,
Is, notwithstanding, just as marry time.
A Royal wedding host and pouring rain,
Both rushing on to-gether, and to boot,
By the park railway, carriages in train,
With shoals of footmen and of men on foot.
A gathering of the people, all from home,
The reigning Queen and raining sky to view; A
In Italy the millions rush to Rome,
Are they not free to roam in London too?
Throngs of the curious-curiously met,
An inconsistent batch of low and high;
Drunkards, for instance, getting drench'd with wet,
And still declaring they were very dry!
Women with pattens found to clog the way,
Young thieves aspiring to the golden fleece,
'Mid torrents fair, that soaked, with equal play,
A new policeman, or a new pelisse.
Tea-totallers, with spirits under proof,
And lots of water for them overhead,
There was, because men would not stand aloof,
A general jam, but one that wouldn't spread I
Matters grew pressing, and, without regard
To toes or ribs, a bonnet or a belly,
The jam I speak of soon became so hard,
It nearly jammed some people to ajelly!
Yet at that Royal wedding, people say,
The pickpockets their trade did sadly botch;
For one industrious youth came all the way A
From Seven Dials to steal a single watch I

12. 11th Hussars, called Prince Albert's own.
God save the Queen!-we love her, and the sign is-
Millions of warm huzzas still greet her throne:
One thousand prime hussars she gives his Highness;
But she is more than them-Prince Albert's own!


wedding ring.


Watchman in
Seven Dials.





The new
Belle and Crown.






THE COMIC ALIANACK. [1841.

SAINT VALENTINE.
Des Oiseaax.
SWEET Valentine, thy praise is heard
In ev'ry grove so green, oh!
And thousand birds press on to join
The Concert Yalentino.
There's not an oak, or ash, or elm,
But some fond couple bears;
The very apple-tree itself
Is cover'd o'er with pairs.
And though the groves are bare of leaf,
As far as eyes can reach;
And not a bough one bud can boast,
They've lots of flow'rs-of speech.
There's young Jack Daw, and young Mac Caw,
And Phil O'Mel (though late),
Each pressing on his am'rous suit,
With all his feather weight.
The beaux so very pert are grown,
That, when their lady wills,
Like oppositionist M.P.'s,
They wont withdraw their bills.
There's Mister Ostrich 'mong the belles
Is quite a forward chap,
Which, Ostrich-like, he seems to think
A feather in his cap.
Miss Pelican declares her beau
Is got beyond endurance;
And wonders at-she really does-
His Pelican Assurance.
Miss Pigeon's trying to look shy,
He's calling her crosspatch !"
But, though a Pouter now she seems,
'Twill be a Pigeon match.
The Peacock leads his belle along,
And presses her to wed;
And now he gives his lips a feast,
Then gives his tail a spread.
Each fowl has got some pretty gift
Beneath his am'rous wing:
Some offer wreaths of orange flow'r;
The Dove has brought his ring.






SAINT VALENTINE.


There's not a birdie, young or old, '
But feels that love has caught her:
The Eagle wants a little sun,
The Daw a little Daw-ter.
It's no use feigning this and that,
For little Love, ifegs !
Is firm, and makes each lady bird
Confess that eggs is eggs."
List to the loves of Lisson-grove,
From robin, lark, and linnet;
While busses from the Nightingale
Are passing ev'ry minute.
The very bosom of the deep
Seems under love's soft sway;
And flocks of water-fowl are seen
Indulging their fowl play.
There's rev'rend Rook, and Daw, his clerk,
Sitting with well-stuffd craws,
Read to lend a helping hand
To forward the good caws.
Each bird a poet now becomes,
And sings some sad refrain;
The Yellow-hammer ev'n has got
His yellow-ham'rous strain.
Some try to shine in repartee,
Who can't be smart in ditty;
The very Peewit on the heath
Turns all at once peewit-y.
I know not if the birds have part
In our new marriage laws;
But if they've not, it's clear they ought
To have their special claws.
In faithfulness they beat us far;
For, spite of all their freaks,
You never see the feather'd tribe
Going before their beaks.
So fare-you-well, fair ladies all;
I hope, before next spring,
Throughout the land you'll set the bells
All of a wedding ring,






MARCH.


HAT-ON GARDEN.

VELL, I'd give a farden to know vy they calls this here Hatton Garden.
I'm sartain sure it must be done in jest; for if every hat aint hoff instead
of hon, I'm blest Hat on, indeed veil, sartinly it's vindy; and here's a
pretty shindy. They've rose the flat'lent element at last, and here it's pep-
pering on, a precious blast It's nuffin but a regular blast of ruin, undoin'
every von vith vot it's doin. Vell, blacksmiths must be
most unconscionable fellows, if, such a day as this, they
vants a bellows. I can't even svear; my pals u'd
hardly know me: I don't feel no occasion to say "blow
me." Oh I oh here's a go The voman's blowing
over; she's a regular charmer, but so unkimmon fat it
can't much harm her. Vont there be chimbley acci-
dents :-ay lots. Look, look at Harmer and Flower's
flower-pots; they're a falling' on that old gentleman's
head as valks below; and vot's vurse, it's too vindy
for him to return the "blow." [They say as
Alderman Armour. Alderman Harmer has left the town off, and he's

made a breeze in the city vith the vind as he vhisk'd his gown off.] Vell,
I'm hoff, so here goes; my eyes, how it blows That ere image-boy can't
hold his tray; ain't his kings and queens, and dukes, a rattlin avay. There
goes a couple slick; the vind's broke Vellington and little Vie. Go it, my
hearty that's it, you've shivered Bonyparty; and, notwithstanding the
furious vay in vich it blows and rains, if he ain't a stopping to pick up Na-
poleon's remains Yell, I've heard of "mad as a March air," and precious
mad I find it is, still I can't say as I care: as long as I get home safe, and
there's nobody killed, I sees no great harm in it; only I hopes that them as
vere particularly anxious to raise the vind, is vell satisfied this very minit


16. Gibbon died, 1794. "l Degustibus non est disputandum."
High winds, and no mistake.

"Will you not take another cup?" said the mistress of the tea-party.
"No," answered the awkward gentleman, who had prematurely risen to
depart; but, upon the word, his foot slipped over the hearth-rug, and he fell.
"In refusing that cup of tea, and tumbling so soon after, you remind me of
'Gibbon's Roman Empire,'" said the wag of the tea-party. "Why?"
"Because you are a living illustration of the decline and fall."


[1841.


































MARCH Theatrical fun-dinner.










THEATRICAL FUN DINNER.
THE Bard of Avon summon'd his ghosts
Around his own bright shade, in hosts,
And the characters came to the Poet of Fame,
To hear his mighty say.
"Well, now," he cried, "bright spirits all,
Hither to-day you have my call,
To quit the volume in which you are bound,
And make, together, a holiday round,
And go in a group to the play."
So the principal characters, giving a look
Of delight, jumped out of the Shakspeare book;
Daylight was on the wane.
Out they skipped, ready equipped,
And started for Drury Lane.
In full-ness of hisfat led Falstaff, spruce and clean,
(No false staff wanted he whereon to lean)-
The van.
P Othello, black, beneath his dazzling vest,
Polished with Warren's best,
Look'd just the man
For women fair to love him,
You felt you couldn't take the shine out of him!
Romeo escorted Juliet-pretty lisper, she fed on Romeo's whisper.
Hamlet, the fencing dueller,
(The only modern Hamlet we can boast,
Was born a jeweller;
Just as each uncle that our poets sing
Reigns now a pawnbroker, and not a king);
Hamlet, I say, took up his princely post,
Between his uncle and his father's ghost.
Shylock, the Jew that Shakspeare drew,
Had nobody to draw him now-so walked;
Macduff, Macbeth, lago, and the rest,
Marched all abreast.
The witch alone, dress'd in her riding-hood,
Travelled upon her broomstick, as she should.
Grov'ling below her, in the rear,
Crawled Caliban,
While Clown
Turned somersets eternal up and down,
That he was born, to make it plain appear,
A Somerset man !
On, a few paces, jolly Bardolph goes,
To light the party with his flaming nose.
Now they gain Drury Lane:
There, of course, they need do no more
Than present themselves at the free-list door;
Over the book Jack Falstaff bends,
To write the name of" Shakspeare and Friends."
When, lo with sighs, and tears in his eyes,
And to everybody's immense surprise,
Mr. Parker cries,







THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1841.

With a look of most discomfiting woe,
"I'm exceedingly sorry to tell you so,
But Shakspeare and friends are now no go;
No go, I say, but to go away.
They are struck entirely off the list;
For the whole concern has taken a twist.
It's the Chamberlain's pleasure, 1 vow, with pain,
And Shakspeare's diddled at Drury Lane !"
By Falstaff's flabbergastered frown,
You see he now is thoroughly down,
Where he stood before like a swell so nobby,
He's ready to burst with passion and thirst,
And he'd get up a row, and bully 'em now,
But he sees the new police in the lobby:
So, to hide what he feels, he turns on his heels,
And to all his retinue making a sign,
Shouts, "Boys, follow me on the road to dine !
As we are not free at this house of base uns,
We'll march at once to our own Freemason's;
The Cuffthat will greet us there, we know,
Is better than this last knock-down blow;
And there-of us every mother's son-
Shakspeare saint, or Shakspeare sinner,
As bonny before we've often done,
On the fat of the land, will feast at a grand
Theatrical Fun
Dinner !"
The tavern is open, they've gathered 'em there,
Fat old Falstaff has taken the chair;
He's eating away like an old gormandizer,
Who's been into College and come out a sizer.
And Bartley perceives, now he's taken enough in,
That Falstaff himself cannot play without stuffing.
Close behind his benevolent face,
And belly and back, as he's taking his whack,
Good Master Clown is making grimace,
And acting toastmaster-in-chief of the place.
Falstaff glows, from his top to his toes,
His great big body keeps warming his clothes,
As he puffs and blows, while his glass overflows,
He is lighting his clay pipe at Bardolph's nose !
Drury Lane has dismissed him, alack !
But Falstaff's accustomed to getting the sacc!
There he sits like a friar or monk,
Till the guests around grow uncommonly drunk;
The witch of the party, with gin they cram her,
In their eager strife for the good of the dram her;
But Shakspeare's voice, from bottle and stoup,
Warned all the spirits to go their ways,
And Cruikshank had hardly finished his group,
Ere they'd all got home to their several plays!



































A P R I L I know a&ban R Shaks:(A consol-atoory refietion )







APRIL.


263


FISHER'S LAKE SCENERY.

AMONG sweet April showers there's no dangler
So persevering as your fervent angler:
Left, by less fond companions, in the lurch, Dandies ask, How will
Upon his lonely boat he'll take his perch, the weather go ?
And fish for ever there by line and rule,
His poets must be all of the Lake school;
The only prose writers he'd ever brook,
In social brotherhood, are Poole and Hook;
Beat him on land, he thinks the insult odd,
Beat him by water, and he'll kiss the rod;
Has he a secret you would know past doubt,
Your only chance with him's to worm it out:
Take him abroad to ride, he'd rather die
Than have a coach, if he could get afly:
He'd like to sit for life upon a raft,
In perpetuity of gentle craft!
What if a little hostel, by the stream,
Offer fish, gratis !" what is that to him ?
He'd rather sit, when clouds have hid the sun, A heavy swell.
Between the rain and river, catching none.
What are the jolly inmates all about ?
Drinking warm brandy, genial ale, or stout:- Rainbows for
And he ? Oh he is taking cold without! fine beaux,
whether or no!
12. Easter Monday.
Mayn't I go to the fair, ma'am ?" Bet inquires;
." Suppose all sorts of evils there beset you:"
Missis, I aint that sort of girl, you know,
Harmless fair fun is all as I desires:"
"Well, if the weather's fair enough to go,
I think it will be only fair to let you:"
So fair, fair girl, fair day, and fair permission,
With the fare to the fair crown Bet's condition!
23. Death of Shakspeare, 1616.
"Sweet Bard of Avon!"-"Well," says Jack, "how you
Can call him Bard of A-won, goodness knows!
I'm sure as I don't: stop! I think I do;
He stands A 1, at Poet's Lloyd's, I s'pose!"
POETIC LICENCE. Poet's corner.
I say, lend me a crown!
I've only three shillings in my pocket:
Well, hand them over, and then you'll owe me two!






THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184[.



DIVIDEND DAY AT THE BANK.

WHAT a crowd! what a crush!
What a row! what a rush!
What screaming, and tearing, and noise,-
Of cabmen and footmen, policemen and bus-men,
And poor little run-over boys!
From Lombard-street, Prince's-street, Broad-street, King-
William-street,
On they come driving full spank:
Old and young, great and small,
Fair and brown, short and tall;
For it's Dividend Day at the Bank.

Oh! it's Dividend Day!
Oh! it's Dividend Day!
And all sorts of queer incongruities:
Old men and young maids, deaf ears and bright eyes,
Are coming to claim their annuities.
All questions now cease-
Is it war ? is it peace ?
Who cares! Or for news of the Frank!
For Fleet or Conscription,
Turk, Russ, or Egyptian ?-
It's Dividend Day at the Bank.

Dear uncle," says Miss,
With a smile and a kiss,
"How rosy you're looking to-day !
Stay stop! stand you still!
There's a fly on your frill!
Psh! there; now I've brush'd it away.
And here, look, dear nunks, is a beautiful purse:
There, take it-no words-hush- don't thank!"
And another great buss
Accomp'nies the "puss"-
(1'" It's Dividend Day at the Bank.)

The merchant on 'Change
Thinks it looks rather strange
That his wife should come out all that way-
From Kennington-common-
Such'a very fat woman !
And such an" uncommon hot day !"
To meet her dear duck,"






DIVIDEND DAY AT THE BANK.


Her "love" and her chuck:"
And then she's so hearty and frank,
Prates and chirps like a bird,-
But, of course, not a word
About Dividend Day at the Bank.

The Minister now,
With pre-occupied brow,
On some secret service" is gone;
While loyal committee,
From borough or city
Is left in its glory alone.
"Yet he promised to be
Here exactly at three-
Only think! and a man of his rank;
And possessing such zeal
For the national weal!"-
But it's Dividend Day at the Bank.

Now summer suns glow,
And summer buds blow,
And summer birds gladden each hour;
While soft strains of love
Are heard from above,
And Beauty sits lone in her bow'r:
Sits lone in her bow'r,
And droops like the flow'r
That of rain or of dew hath not drank
To her lover she cries;
But no lover replies !-
It's Dividend Day at the Bank.

Oh! tne poet may sing
Of the beauties of Spring,
In a hymn to the sweet first of May;
The hero attune,
To the eighteenth of June,
His glorious, uproarious lay;
To Saint Valentine's morn
Let lovers forlorn
Write verses, in rhyme or in blank;
I'll carol my lays
To the glory and praise
Of Dividend Day at the Bank.









MAY GAMES.-Hoaa's-WAKE.
THE village is out, the village is out,
Peasant and clodhopper, fool and flout;
Fast in the collars the grinners are seen,
And the squeaking grunter is loose on the green:
Halloo him, follow him, frighten him on!
Whip him and skip him, fast bid him be gone i
'Bout him, and knout him, and give him the flail, I wish
And put plenty of soap on his curly tail!
Thus, in the midst of a beautiful run,
My tale is begun, my tale is begun!
Like a man after lodgings, who's got a firstfloor, you may
You're down on your belly, you country boor;
And his tail has given your fingers more
Soap than they've seen for a year before ; get i
Good little tail, sleek, greasy, and lean,
Trying the villagers' hands to clean;
And see how they flounder, and see how they fail,
In seeking to hold by the slippery tail!
Thus, while pig.and tail the villagers diddle,
My tale's in the middle, my tale's in the middle!
'Mid laughter, 'mid laughter, run after! run after! Polish Fate.
The tail of the grunter taunts great and small!
Catch it you can't, for it bobs aslant,
Like an eel that's beating the heels of you all!
That pig so sleek, it'll hold for a week
Its present connexion twixtt Grisi and squall;
Till fairly worn out with its slipping about,
When you catch it, it wont have a tail at all:
So here, at the tail of the sport, my friend,
My tale and the pig's tail are both at an end!
27. Order of the Bath. 1725. Water Witch. Cotter's Saturday
Night.
(Family Tale of a Tub.)

31.- Wit Monday.
Pray, who is the fellow of infinite fun,
Of whom men declare that his wit, like the sun,
Shines and sparkles along-that its bright sallies glide
Like a fresh summer river at flow of its tide ?-
Why, join wit, sun, and tide, and it's perfectly clear B
You mean jolly young Whitsuntide-Prince of the year! Admiral Do Witt.


[I841.


MAY.



































MAY Settling for the Derby Long odds and long faces











SETTLING DAY AT "THE CORNER."
"As 1 was going to (the) Derby,
All on, &c."-OLn SoNe.
I wisr I'd never bet;
I wish I'd never seen a horse or colt;
I wish I'd neverjoin'd that jockeying set
I wish I'd stopped away
From Epsom on the Derby Day-
And all such places!
I wish I'd kept at home,
And never shown my person-at a
Hippodrome.
I wish, instead of going like a dolt
To those horse races,
I'd gone to Cowes Regatta !

We've all our ups and downs, I know,
Both great and small;
But, oh!
Those Epsom Downs are worst of all.

What could have made me join those gambling jockeys ?
(Out-of-door Crockies:)
How could I reckon so without my host?
How could I, cockney born and bred,
So run my head
Against that betting post ?
Brought up in staid pursuits
(Not among nasty animals and brutes),
ow could I think, to such a blust'ring clan,
My reason and my cash to yield ?
I never was a martial man;
How could I take the field ?"

Why did I, stupid dolt,
Back that confounded, desperate Solace colt,
Or of that mulish Muley make a pet ?
No doubt, large sums I thought of soon amassin';
But what a double ass I was to bet
On that Ass-ass-in!

The bounds of prudence how hard to regain !
When once a man o'ersteps 'em!
But I have done : Richard's himself again !
Yes, be assured,
I'm now completely cured;
At least, this shall be my last dose of Epsom.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.

It was an awful moment-that run-in-
(Especially for those young minors short of tin!)
I own I felt my heart sink then,
And all my thoughts seemed driven into a Corner :"
And then I thought of North America, and Canton,
And then I turned a scorner
Of men,
And thought of Joseph Manton.
And then the race-course whirled before my eyes;
And then I heard a voice, in words of thunder,
Say,
Heyday,
Good sir! you seem to have some great surprise."
"Yes, and it's Little Wonder !"
However, now
That's past,
And I have made a vow
That bet shall be my last.
All wagers now I nauseate and detest
(" Odds" and the rest);
All jockeys hate,
(Welter and feather weight);
All meetings fly
(October and July);
In short, I think all racing sad,
And all its courses bad.
And as for the stupidity of those who go,
The difference, I trow
(If there's a tittle),
'Twixt Donkey-ster and Ass-cot's mighty little.
I've burnt my books;" no horse again I'll back
(Racer or hack):
No more I'll hedge : and by the Grecian gods,
I'll not stand on the long odds.
With tens, and fives, and fours, and threes to one
I've done. I've done with saying "Done, done, done!"
My means no more I'll stake upon a Derby Day:
It's my last lay.
From this day forth for evermore,
Though I should live to four-or forty score,
I'll never lay another shilling-
If I do I'm a villain-
(Be this the moral of my tale),
Though you should make me the most tempting offer-
Golconda to an empty coffer-
A thousand sterling to a pint of ale-
You shan't prevail.
No matter what the sum,
I wont.

Come,
I'll bet you half-a-crown I don't!


[1841.







I ,


S,2

~JT~uv' fV


'K


J U NE The unlicensed Victudllers Dinner


PF


.I;P~il







1841.] JUNE. 269












THE OXFORD ARMS.

DEEn SUZAN,
I set up all Knigt to set down to rite u a bout a horrit deed that has put all
the grate Law years to work, and has been a drawing Thiers from the Nayshuns
hies. It is a shock King crime, no less than a shoot in at the Queen. The as-
sassin-hating will-in was quite in low life-nort but a pot-boy! (not as that is
any dis-a-peerage-ment; for I here there is Potts a arch deecon, and Fill pots
a Bishup;) but he did not ware his best to go before her Mad-jest-i, but own lie
his work-a-day close, which I think was tatterd and tome, for I hurd mast her
say be went there with ragged Side intenshuns. One thing is de-litefull to no,
that the Queen got off as well as the pistoll, witch the will-in tuk. From the
way he presented the weppon, it is. thort he is one of the leveling classes,
though it is won-durd what his aim could be. Sum say he wos like Sir Wall-ter
scots True Bar door,
"Burn-in with luv-to fire for fame;"
which I cant-see, as that true bar door came "beneath his lades windo;" but
this pot-boy went into the 0 pen park, and turn'd the Queen quite pail, a shoot
in thru the pail-ings! The Public in dig Nashun nose no bounds: the Public
Houses of the People, with their benches and their bar, are to Congrat tulerate
the Queen on her he scape from the pot-boy. He was a errand will-in; and as he
was tuk in one Park, i understand he is to be tried by another, wot is as good a
Judge as he. His name is oxford, and a hug lie feller he is, thono feller, I am
tolld, of the Oxford wot has a call edge on the banks of the Ices, which is a
river, you No, and, I spoze, is all ways froze. They say the grand jury cant
help find in a true Bill against him, which reminds me of my own true Bill, who
lives with farm her Constant. i Give my luv to him, and all so kep it for your-
self; and so for the present good buy. Yours till deth,
OAnua LIrE.
11. Bacon died. 1294.
A con about Be-con.
Why is a good cook like a Student of Philosophy ?
Because she has long been accustomed tofry her bacon.
A Bacon Frier.
Bacon's a bygone, for him I don't care,
More than girls care for school when they're out of their teens;
Don't call him a bygone-of Bacon I swear,
It's more proper to class him among the has-beans. AN UNDERTAKER.
19. QUEEN VICTORIA'S ACCESSION. our largest ndertakng
As once our Queen succeeded to the throne, oce took tefe?
Why, I once took tea
Setting her people all to merry-makings; shillings in the pound on
So may she not succeed to that alone, a debt of tenthousand,
and that was the largest
But eke succeed in all her undertakings! undertaking I ever had.






THE COMIC ALMANAC.


THE LICENSED VICTUALLERS' DINNER.
TiE dinner of the Licensed Victuallers is better to them than the
wisdom of Solomon, or the ore of lore: it is their feast of literature,
for they consider it in the light of a splendid annual-magnificently
bound in calf for society-with the cloth edition especially reserved
for themselves. Itis pleasure to behold their spread, the chairman
soaring into Epicurean sublimity, like the spread eagle, or feasting
like the golden vulture upon quid vzlt. See, they have gathered in
the strength of their conviviality. Every one of them is a landlord,
if not a lord of the land; how they labour at their vocation of cram!
Their festive board has become a board of works; and they are all
busy about the pleasantest half of the trade of carver and gilder.
Every man, like a tailor, is taking his full measure; their whole
vision is given to thepro-vision; and they are now, more than doctors
and lawyers, among thefeed. Pollok's Course of Time" is nothing to
the course of victuals now produced. All the creatures that figure on
their sign-boards have been brought up and dressed for the nonce.
Rarities are here, which it must have required a new edition of
" Cook's Voyages" to procure. The Goose with the Gridiron, the
Magpie without the Stump, the Swan with two Necks, and the throttle
of some youthful Boniface acting Lad-lane for the luxury: a joint
from the Pig in the Pound; the Blue Boar done thoroughly brown;
the meek Lamb` sent saucey from the Mint; the Dolphin, by off-
slicing process, changing its size and not its dyes; the Cock" with
exquisite stuffing, so that it emulates a firm of city silversmiths, and
becomes "Cock Savoury;" the Hen and Chickens, quite a gentle
brood, roasted for food; "the Salmon," accustomed to swim,
now beginning in consequence to sink; and last, not least, the Pea-
cock assisting at the spread! Sure here is food for reflection, and
the great body of Licensed Victuallers may rejoice in the victuals
thereof.
Dinner is now over. The Queen" is disposed of; the "Royal
Family" are settled; the "Army and Navy" are dispatched.
Although it is not an ordinary, they have gone through the ordinary
toasts: the business of the evening is about to be commenced; the
Chairman is on his mettle, and on his legs. He is a wit and a wittier;
a patriot ont he side of the public-houses and the public. Bodily,
as well as oratorically, he is a great speaker, and his eloquence is now
let loose. He informs the company before him of the great importance
of the humane andintoxicatingeociety to which he belongs. He tells
them that the Licensed Victuallers are connected with all that is ele-
vating (spirits for instance), civilizing, and admirable, in town and
country. They are identified equally with the lush and the litera-
ture of the land; for he is prepared to contend that whatever has
been great in literature is deducible from lush. Every author of
eminence has been more or less inspired from the tap, the bin, the
cellar, or the bar. The Edinburgh Castle has never been a Castle


[1841.






THE LICENSED VICTUALLERS' DINNER.


of Indolence; and taverns must be regarded as the fountains of the
mind. Vehement cries of "bravo!" and drawit mild!" here inter-
rupt the speaker; but he declares he cannot draw it any milder,
and that it would be stale, flat, and unprofitable if he did. He
would prove his case. The poet who quaffs British brandy is filled
with patriotic spirit, and writes nobly for native land. The wit con-
fines himself to what is rum. The nautical novelist sticks to port.
Gin inspires the great delineators of human life. What, for instance,
but gin-twist could have brought Oliver Twist to light ? He would
repeat-that lush and literature were indissolubly connected, and
that the press and the punch-bowl were one. Yes, the very press
was nothing but a great punch-bowl. Its thunder, devilism, and
vituperation, were the spirit; its bland praises were the sweets;
its sarcastic truths and stings were the blended bitter and acid;
its pleasant news was the aroma from the lemon-peel; its quarrels
were the hot water; its sneers were the cold: it sometimes created
a terrible stir; but then punch was nothing without that; and,
finally, the newsmen were the glasses, and when all was done, the
editors were the ladles-he said ladles emphatically, lest they should
be taken for spoons-that doled it out to the eager-swallowing com-
munity. (Loud cries of "capital," and incessant cheering.) All
these things incontestably proved that the kings of the lush were
the kings of the literature of the land; and, therefore, the Licensed
Victuallers were at the head of the civilization of the empire. It
was said that "knowledge is power;" very well-then the public
had to thank them and their brewers. They might talk of their
cheap periodicals, but, he would ask, would there be any circulation
of instruction in this kingdom if it was not for the respectable firm
of Read and Co.? Another gentleman was a WhLitbread-he might
say, a wit-bred and born: but there was no end of illustration;
and, if knowledge was power, it was a brewer's dray-horse power;
it passed to the public through the cellars of the publicans, and all
he could say was, if it came up heavy," it went down light. He
should, therefore, give-Prosperity to the Licensed Victuallers'
Institution."
The toast is drunk with applause-the Chairman shortly after
follows its example, and by two in the morning the company have
got under the table over their wine.


DID YOU EVER?
DID you ever know a sentinel who could tell what building he
was keeping guard over ?
Did you ever know a cabman, or a ticket-porter, with any change
about him ?
Did you ever know a tradesman asking for his account who had
not a bill to take up on Friday ?"






THE LICENSED VICTUALLERS' DINNER.


of Indolence; and taverns must be regarded as the fountains of the
mind. Vehement cries of "bravo!" and drawit mild!" here inter-
rupt the speaker; but he declares he cannot draw it any milder,
and that it would be stale, flat, and unprofitable if he did. He
would prove his case. The poet who quaffs British brandy is filled
with patriotic spirit, and writes nobly for native land. The wit con-
fines himself to what is rum. The nautical novelist sticks to port.
Gin inspires the great delineators of human life. What, for instance,
but gin-twist could have brought Oliver Twist to light ? He would
repeat-that lush and literature were indissolubly connected, and
that the press and the punch-bowl were one. Yes, the very press
was nothing but a great punch-bowl. Its thunder, devilism, and
vituperation, were the spirit; its bland praises were the sweets;
its sarcastic truths and stings were the blended bitter and acid;
its pleasant news was the aroma from the lemon-peel; its quarrels
were the hot water; its sneers were the cold: it sometimes created
a terrible stir; but then punch was nothing without that; and,
finally, the newsmen were the glasses, and when all was done, the
editors were the ladles-he said ladles emphatically, lest they should
be taken for spoons-that doled it out to the eager-swallowing com-
munity. (Loud cries of "capital," and incessant cheering.) All
these things incontestably proved that the kings of the lush were
the kings of the literature of the land; and, therefore, the Licensed
Victuallers were at the head of the civilization of the empire. It
was said that "knowledge is power;" very well-then the public
had to thank them and their brewers. They might talk of their
cheap periodicals, but, he would ask, would there be any circulation
of instruction in this kingdom if it was not for the respectable firm
of Read and Co.? Another gentleman was a WhLitbread-he might
say, a wit-bred and born: but there was no end of illustration;
and, if knowledge was power, it was a brewer's dray-horse power;
it passed to the public through the cellars of the publicans, and all
he could say was, if it came up heavy," it went down light. He
should, therefore, give-Prosperity to the Licensed Victuallers'
Institution."
The toast is drunk with applause-the Chairman shortly after
follows its example, and by two in the morning the company have
got under the table over their wine.


DID YOU EVER?
DID you ever know a sentinel who could tell what building he
was keeping guard over ?
Did you ever know a cabman, or a ticket-porter, with any change
about him ?
Did you ever know a tradesman asking for his account who had
not a bill to take up on Friday ?"






THE COMIC ALMANACK.


Did you ever know an omnibus cad who would not engage to set
you down within a few yards of any place within the bills of mor-
tality?
Did you ever know a turnpike-man who could be roused in less
than a quarter of an hour, when it wanted that much of midnight ?
Did you ever see a pair of family snuffers which had not a broken
spring, a leg deficient, or half-an-inch of the point knocked off?
Did you ever know a lodging-house landlady who would own to
bugs?
Did you ever know the Boots at an inn call you too early for the
Morning coach?
Did you ever know a dancing-master's daughter who was not'to
excel Taglioni?
S Did you ever know a man who did not think he could poke the
fire better than you could ?
Did you ever know a Frenchman admire Waterloo Bridge P
Did you ever know a housemaid who, on your discovering a frac-
ture in a valuable China jar, did not tell you it was done a long
time ago?" or that it was "cracked before?"
Did you ever know a man who didn't consider his walking-stick
a better walking-stick than your walking-stick ?
Did you ever know a penny-a-liner who was not on intimate terms
with Lytton Bulwer, Capt. Marryat, Sheridan Knowles, Tom
Hood, Washington Irving, and Rigdum Funnidos ?
Did you ever know a hatter who was not prepared to sell you as
good a hat for ten-and-sixpence as the one you've got on at five-and-
twenty shillings P
Did you ever know a red-haired man who had a very clear notion
of where scarlet began and auburn terminated ?
Did you ever know a beef-eater go to the play in his uniform P
4 Did you ever know a subscriber to the Anti-Cruelty-to-Animals
SSociety who didn't kick the cat ?
Did you ever know a lady with fine eyes wear green spectacles ?
'Did you ever know an amateur singer without "a horrid bad cold?"
Did you ever see a cool fat woman in black in the dog-days P
Did you ever go to see Jack Sheppard without feeling a pro-
pensity to run home and rob your mother
Did you ever know an author who had not been particularly ill-
used by the booksellers ?
Did you ever know fifty killed and fifty wounded by a railroad
accident, without the fifty who were not killed being congratulated
by the directors that they were only wounded ?
Did you ever know a man who did not consider that he added
ten years to his life by reading the Comic Almanack P"

















-- -



4 '- /

I~~~t14;7jw.,r : ~ ~ Y L
Ak ;~


A


J U LY- Long days and Long ears .
J U LY Long days and Long ears







1841.] JULY. 273

THE USHER OF THE BLACK ROD.


THE time of holiday is fled from little Master J.,
He's going to the school instead of going to the play;
His master is come home, his fate 'tis easy to forebode,
And heartily he wishes now the schoolmaster abroad:"
He cannot love him, though he be sweet-temper'd, 'tis in
vain,
Unable is the boy to see the sugar in the cane!
A chaise is waiting at the door, in which he's doom'd to go,
He knows and feels its very wheels will bear him to his woe;
The thing he rides in he derides, and there, for joy, would
dance
If master, chaise, and all, were safe at Pire la Chaise, in
France!
To force a young and chubby boy to school, away from home,
'S like taking a young Regulus to Carthage, back from
Rome:
Upon his bed, more like a board, he cries and lies awake,
Hisfruit is fruitless, and he feels he doesn't need his cake!
His bat is changed into a bawl, the rod 'll never stop,
It's always whipping bottom, now, instead of whipping top:
Book'd for a flogging, whether book proclaim him dunce, or
clever,
Kept from the playground, oftentimes upon no ground what-
ever:
Penned in from good hard exercise, hard exercise to pen,
And told that slaving present boys is saving future men!





School exercise.

23. Chinese Expedition blockaded Canton.
.Sailed for Chusan.
Our British Bull, whom nothing well can stop,
Directed by Victoria Regina,
Went, right ahead, into a China shop,
And set himself to work a breaking China!
Be sure he didn't preach or Cant on there:
The expedition he had set his shoes in,
Kept fighting with an expedition rare,
And didn't stop for picking or for Chusan!
The town was well besieged; for Johnny took
Position up too strong to be evaded;
And, like the wood-cuts of this comic book,
Canton was soon most thoroughly block-aidedl
T


Boys

go back

in coaches.

Thrashing

time

approaches.


Now

School-

storms

reign:

6 9 *
dQ*

Begins

again

the

Hurry

-cane.



Pickingandehoosing.




Wooing in black
and white.






THE COMIC ALMANAC.


ODE TO THE SEA:
(WITH INTERRUPTIONs).
Written on Margate sands, by Miss Belinda BBucklersbury.

O lovely Sea; sweet daughter of the sky!
To thee I pour my soul; on thee I cry:
Oh! let some sister Naiad float this way,
Lend me her wand, then 'mid the waves I'll stray.
[Here you are, my lady. Bathe you for a shilling. Comfort-
ablest machine on the beach; and no hextry charge for soap
and towels.]
Oh! for the merry sea-bird's wing, to fly
To where yon sunny cloud floats in the sky,
And seems a fairy palace built of light,
A happy home, where all is gay and bright.
[Try a donkey, ma'am. He'll carry you as quviet as a lamb,
and nuffink von't tire him.]
Ocean! how strange, how wondrous strange thy power,
At morning's dawn, or glowing sunset hour !
'Ev'n now my heart earth's narrow bounds hath pass'd;
My swelling brain for its cribbed cell's too vast.
[Take a pair o' sculls, ma'am. I'll row you a mile out and a
mile in for half-a-crown; and there aint a trimmer little craft
in all Margate, than Moll o' Wapping."]
All sweet emotions on thy shores abound:
All gentle passions gentler here are found.
'Twas here first sprang to life bright Beauty's Queen;
Nurtured and cradled on thy billows green.
[Buy a Wenus's ear, Miss? or a box o' powders to percent
sea-sickness? Only von and sixpence the lot.]
Here soothing thoughts come borne on zephyr's wing,
And round the heart, like summer flowers, spring,
Sweet thoughts of love, that all thoughts else control,
And in one mighty passion bind the soul.
[Here's a prime box o' smuggled cigars, Miss, for your sweet-
heart! or a nice little keg o' rale French brandy, for your-
self! Let you have 'em a bargain.]
While yet a child, Ocean, I loved to stand
Gazing and listening on thy pebbly strand;
And, even now, the song I seem to hear-
The mariner's song, to my young heart so dear.
[Yoi-hoi!-Yoi-ee-ho !-Yow !-Yoi-ee-hey -Eiugh ? Yoi-oi!
-Oi-yoi!-Ee-ow-oi-yo hough! &c. &c.]


[1841.







ODE TO THE SEA.


Oh! mighty, wondrous world; what fearful forms
Of giant force thou nursest in thy storms!
Here pond'rous whales 'mid crashing icebergs stray;
There vast leviathans with tempests play.
[Here's your perriwinkles! penny a pint! Winkle-winkle-winkle-
winkle-winkle-man! Fine fresh winkles, only a penny a
pint !]

Behold, along the beach, these beauteous shells !
In each, I ween, some ocean-spirit dwells:
Pluck we the first. It's pearly depths behold!
What hues of crimson, em'rald, azure, gold!
[Oh! crikey, Bill; vot a conch that lady's got!]

Alas I'm but a hapless child of earth;
I cannot stray where syren songs of mirth
Are heard in coral bowers with pearls bedight;
On me sweet Fortune never smiled so bright!
[Try your luck, marm, in the Lottery? A musical box, two
paper nautiluses, and a piece of the wreck of the Royal
George. Only von shilling a ticket, and only two numbers
wacant.]

Ofttimes at eve, when the pale moon shines clear,
And soft winds sigh, those notes I seem to hear:
Ev'n now, methought I heard the magic strain,
Oh! syren, sing that well-known song again!
[Nix, my Dolly, pals, fake away-
Ni-ix, my Dolly, pals, fake away.]

But, oh! a weight oppresses my sad soul;
My spirits sink beneath its dread control.
[EASE HEB !-Ease her !]
Thy boiling waves my daring footsteps spurn;
To earth again in grief I'm forced to turn.
[HALs TURN As TARN !-Half turn astrn !
Go ON I-Go on !]
Farewell! farewell! though I could stay and gaze
On thy bright tide, sweet Sea, for endless days;
But earthly voices call me to the shore,
I must away; fare-fare-thee-well once more!
(In a very small voice, half a mile of.)
[Holloa, marm, you can't get back! you've let the tide come up all round
you, and if you attempt to stir you're a drowned woman. Stop where
you are, and hold fast by your camp-stool till the man comes; and he'll
bring you ashore wery comfortable on his back for half-a-crown.]








276 AUGUST. [184i.








pill



A WATER PARTY.

TEA-TOTALLERS IN THEIR CUPS.
A PoaT, a tea-totaller, lay losing of his breath, T
And rhapsodizing, as it were, within the jaws of death. T
Mad scraps of most perverted verse, from Campbell, Scott, or Hemans T
And full of spirits, as of song, in his delirium tremens;
He gasped a cup and couplet-both were finished in a minute, T
Then died of drinking too much tea, with too much brandy in it! T
A lawyer turned tea-totaller, from drink to get reliefs, T
Brief was his vow, and broken soon, perhaps, for want of briefs ;
One summer's day, near Temple Bar, with temperance to look big, T
He tied its medal to his gown, its riband to his wig; r
When, all at once, a sudden thirst of his resolve made sport,
The inn he turned into, alas! was not an inn of court: T
And that tea-totaller was found in a curious place to find one.
Not bright with wit before a bar, but as drunk as a beast behind one!
Tea-total T
A lady with a ruby nose, and skin all blotched about, T
Who suddenly perceived that gin put her complexion out,
Soon took a water vow," right well determined none should warp it,
And kept it till, one day, she fell for dead upon the carpet!
They took her up, they chafed her hand, they rubbed her temples over;
How was it, then, that lady dear did never more recover ?
Why the drunken waterman had turn'd-(some horrid death he merits),
As temperance had made water scarce-her cistern on with spirits!
It's odd what things befal men of a temperance way of thinking,
Most strange the best tea-totallers should always die of drinking
Soaking the stomach so with tea, as if its coats were fustian,
Yet, somehow, bursting with, at last, spontaneous combustion;
The teapot is the sign from which, most vigorous, too, their sups they are,
Yet when they meet they're sure to be discovered in their cups, they are;
And when their next procession comes, just take a notice cursory,
How many totallers will die of their sober anniversary.
4. Oyster days begin. Milton's Paradise Lost. 11. Dog days end.
Tom was a martyr-but it was to spirits, wine, and prog; Barking
The name that people called him by was always-Jolly Dog! m
He died of surfeit-and his friends, all at a funeral splendid, Essex.
Wept tears of pious grief to find his jolly-dog days ended!
Company's
Terminus
at
Heundsditeb


























































AUGU ST -Idees Napoliennes .


i--l










THE INVASION OF BOULOGNE.
From Henry Dobbs, Stoker on Board the City of Edinburgh Steamer,
to Bill Ball, Touter to the Commercial Company in London.
S0 CRaKY BIL-ven i tuk my Last tender partin offyew down in the cole
ole off the city off Heddinborow and Himprinted that here kis on the hafec-
shonat mouth of yewr sister kate vich she sed she wood never wash off the
Blak til it wore away in the riglar Coarse off natur, litel did i think i shoed
ever cum to be puld up afore a lot of fresh Beaks and cald upon to comit
Purgatory by swearing my name was mountseer Hornree Doe instead of plain
Harry Dobbs. Arter a deal of bother and giberish, Gilty or not gilty, ses
they. Parly voo fronsy, ses i, at vich the juge de Pay (so cald i suppose
becaws yew ar obleegt to Bribe him befour yew can get anny justiss out off
him) busted out a laffin ; arter vich the Porkipine du Raw repeated the kestin,
Gilty or not gilty, ses he, Non mi record, ses i, at vich off vent the old juge
agen, works nor ever the Lord mare and mister obler, tho i ust to Think they
vas the Rumist chaps for Larkin a feler off to the gallass as ewer i seed.
Thinks i if yew vents to cum down uppon me with yewr Burns justiss i shal
cum down uppon yew vith my Cokes.
"But to Begin at the beginin. at Blakvall ve tuk on board a Grate menny
of the mountseers, most on em cummin down by the Stand-up train-vich
gravesend Dito and Dito Dito hern Bay and margit. Bean my 1st inter-
duxion in fresh sosiaty i may say i vos tuk 3 a turn astarn at fust But sune
got my steem up and vos awl rite in no time. Vot i most admires in the
frensh carekter is vot devvels they ar to Drink theyde got lots off sperrits
vith em, and ass i say Ven yewr going a Long viage there nothing like
sumthink Short. Afore ve vos fairly out off the riwer the gemmen vos A
seas over, and sich Rummy felers for Brandy i never clapt my iis on. Allso
hosions of lemmonaid and neguss, and ass nateraly concludes amung so
menny papishes lots of pop-ery. The same of soder vater and ginger bear,
spannish juce vater and 0 sucree, so that ass the capten sed instid off bean
at Hern bay yew mite have fancied yewrself at the Cove of Cork. And deer
Bil alow me to say in regard of Drinkin there aint no cumparrison between
the 0 D V and the 0 Sucree. The fust is rely a capital 0.
"Onfortinat the vind began to get up ven ve got into Blew vater, and sune
arter cummin on a gale vas a deth Blow to their merryment, the grate guns
sune clearing avay their pokket Pistols. From ramsgit ve run to Rye, vich
yew mite hav told by the Rye faces, and the fowl vether continnying the
mountseers vos awl sicks and sevens. Arter a vile there vos a bit of a lul,
vich yung Bony tuk the hopertunity of the sea sicknes making him a litel
moor Sober to adres his joly cumpanyons every 1, vich such ass dared
venture their ankerchers from their mouths Waved em in the air cryin ip ip
huray in their frensh lingo, and then awl vent down into the salloon and
sune carter cum up agen Togd out ass genralls and Kernels, vich vos fine
Nuts for our felers, and deer Bill my opinyan is they vood hav tuk franse
prisoner Esy anuff only for 1 thing vich is this, Bean awl Listed ass Coman-
din ofisirs and no Privets their vosent nobdy to obay orders ven the vord vos
gev to Fire, and next time they atemts a hinwasion they must take out less
Musk and moor Muskits, and not fancy they can konker a kingdum vith
nothing but sedlits Powder.
"The 1st land ve made in franse vas Cape Greeny,* vich vos werry
Query-Cape Grisnes F-Rig. Fnm.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


appropo. But dident go ashore til ve got to neer Bulloan, ven the chap ass
had got the Live egle in the cage bean too Drunk to make him Go threw his
performenses and me having tuk the hopertunaty of Toggin myself out in
1 off the hoffisirs castoff sutes, jined the xpedishun ass a Vollunteer, vith the
egle atop off my hed and 1 off the Cole saks under my cote to Bring avay
the Lewy nappolions in. Ve then marcht to Bulloan and jined by several
weny Respectabel fish wimmen entered the barrax, vere there vos a Rigler
shindy betwixt the sham solgers and the Real vons. Yung Bony shot 1
poor feler, ass he sed for the Meer fun off the thing and to kepe the game
alive, vich deer Bil it seems werry Ard don't it for a chap vot refusis a Napo-
lion to be put off vith a Pistole. Ass sune ass wede got kikt out of the
barrax Prince lewy gev a Permotion in honner. 1 chap vos created a Lee-
gun of honner, a nuther a Shivvileer, a nuther a Gennerrallissimmo and so
on, and deer Bill i beleav i vos created Sumthink, but not bean quite perfect
in my frensh ar unable to say vot i am, so pleas Direct at pressant ass
nuthink but Nite off the egle, and ven i No myself Betor vil drop yew 4 a
house to inform.
Ve next marcht to the Hi toun vich tawk of fresh Perlitenes they shet
the Dore in our fases; and then Repared to the Grand collum Bilt by the
original Bony to comensurate the Grand viktry ass vos to have bean obtained
by the Grand army ass vos to hav invaded ingland. Hear, arter bilkin the
dorekeper out off his 6 pense, the chap vot carried the standard mounted up
to the top, and me Thinkin that vos the safist place for the pressant Followd
his leader vith the egle, vich as sune as ve arrived at the sumat had a Wery
hextensif vew off Prinse lewy a cutting his unlukky, folowd by his flowers
at Hi pressure spede, and awl making for the coast ass if the devvle ad em.
In coarse the collum vos sune surrounded and ve vos sumond to cum down.
Poor mountseer havein the fresh union Jak found upon him vos sune tuk
up and sent to Prisn. But deer Bil takin the Hopertunaty off a rigement off
the nashonal gards and a kumpny off the John Dams and a batalyan of the
perventif sirvis Rushin on the poor standard barer at the Botom of the
collum i Let fly the egle from the Top and taken out the cole sak Blakt
myself awl over and rented my cloas into a meer Stoker, so ass ven they
come to xamen me Found nothing like Proof pozitif, and instead off bean
brote in a frensh Hero shal turn myself out to be nothing but a Halibi.
"Ass for the Grand army most off em ran into the vater and vos Tuk
prizners by the bathin wimen. Sum got Pepperd by the John Dams and
sum got Salted by the oshun, but deer Bil to conclude i shal newer jine a
Bony party agen as lungs i breathe, and Prinse lewy will excuse me sayin he
showed himself a Propper goose for ingagin in sich a war of Propper gander.
"yewrs Truly,
HARRY DOBBS."


[1841.



































S EPT E M BE R Massacre of St Bartholomow








1841.] SEPTEMBER. 279


THE BLACK BOTTLE IMP.


SEPTEMBER, men say, is the season of sport,
They have it at college, they have it at court;
They have it afield, in a manner most pleasant,
By means of the partridge, the hare, and the pheasant;
And I now ask the reason, of saint and of sinner,
Why it shouldn't be had, now and then, after dinner ?
The guests were assembled in uniform dress,
They all meant to get at but not into a mess;-
Dinner's over! they are not mere troops of the line, -
So the peach and the pine lend a zest to the wine:
Port, sherry, and claret, are small for a swell,
And there's one of them orders a draught of moselle!
'Tis brought, but, behold! how the terror is vast,
All the eyes of the chairman are looking aghast!
And his hair's standing up, with a kind of a dread,
On exactly the place where it should stand-his head;
And the officers round him first wink and then nod,
As much as to say, How exceedingly odd!
Perhaps they may think him absurd or uncivil;
Well a gentleman may be who looks on a devil!
A bandy-shanked, big-bellied, black-bottle imp,
With the legs of a spider, the arms of a shrimp,
And a couple of feet, with remarkable toes,
That keep dancing defiance wherever he goes!
"He has kicked thro' a peach, he's jumped over a pine,
He'll murder this merry mess-table of mine;
My senses are scattered, my feelings are hurt,
I ne'er saw such a devil come in at dessert!
What, ho! turn him out!" the command wasn't heard,
For the officers answered him never a word!
Then he storm'd and he threatened, to heighten the sport,
In a manner most martial, to hold a full court;
But the black-bottle devil was not to be done,
He first gave a leap, next a skip, next a rmn;
And then quietly halting, right under the snout
Of the swell who had summon'd him, pour'd himself out!

10. Quadruple Treaty ratified, 1840.


Escape from
Cork JaiL











New Chaco for
P. Albert's Own.







280 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1841.


A LAMENT FOR BARTLEMY FAIR.
BY A SHOWMAN.
OH! lawk; oh! dear; oh! crimeny me; what a downright sin and a
shame,
To try to put down old Bartlemy Fair! I don't know who's to blame:
Whether it's the west-end nobs, or the city folks-confound 'em I could cry
with vexation;
But this I will say, if it's the latter, they ain't fit for their city-wation.
What is to become of all us poor showmen, as has embarked every penny
we've got,
In learned pigs, and crocodiles, and sheep with two heads, and wax Thurtells,
and what not ?
It's werry unfair to make us an exception to the general rule of the nation:
You orts to consider our wested rights, as free-born Britons, and allow us
a compensation."
When you stopped the rich West Indy merchants from dealing in poor
African niggers,
You allowed them twenty millions of money; and, surely, showing a few
innocent wax figgers
Aint worse than stealing one's black feller creturs, and carrying 'em off, and
treating 'em worse than swine ;
And, let me tell you, a lamb with two tails is much more preferable than a
cat with nine.
Oh! dear; oh! dear-; what is to become of us all, from Mr. Wombwell down
to the penny peeps ?
We're wuss off than the poor silenced muffin-men, or the poor unfortynat
forbid-to-go-up-the-chimbly sweeps!
It's fine talking, taking to other businesses; and going out as lackeys and
servants, ifegs!
Who, d'ye think, would take, as lady's maid or nurs'ry governess, poor Miss
Biffin, without either arms or legs?
And what great duchess or countess would like to have walking behind her,
in Regent Street,
With a powder'd head and long cane, poor Thomas Short, the Lincolnshire
dwarf, as measures only three feet ?
Or what gentleman in the Park, driving his cab on a Sunday afternoon, would
choose
For his tiger, stuck up behind in top-boots and white gloves, the Notting-
ham youth, as stands 7 foot 3 in his shoes?
To say nothing of the indignity of the thing: for how is a man to go to
submit to come down,
From being a Royal Red-Indian Prince, to nothing but a poor common-day-
labouring clown?
And the Siamese twins, oh! Gemini, they might advertise in the Times for
a century,
Before any merchant would take them into his counting-house, to keep his
books by double entry.
And now Mister Bunn's given up Drury Lane to Mister Musard and his
French and German crew,
What is the dancing elephant, and the performing lion, and the acting horses
and dromedaries to do ?







184I.1 A LAMENT FOR BARTLEMY FAIR. 281

And the poor Albanians, with their red eyes and long hair so flowing and
white ?
By Jove, such news as this is enough to make every inch of it turn grey in a
night.
And the Indian juggler, poor fellow! neat as imported from the coast of
Delhi,-
He may swallow swords and daggers long enough before he's able to fill his
belly!
We've all our ups and downs in this world, it's said-or, at least, used to be;
But Marshall Mayor" wont leave so much as a poor single Up-and-down
for we.
And one thing I must take the liberty to say, I don't see why the poor
people's fairs
Should be put down and done away with, while the rich Fancy people are
allowed to keep up theirs ;
And as for the morality, it does seem rather funny to shut up Bartlemy
Fair o' Mondays,
While they keep open their genteel wild-beast-show in the Regency Park
o' Sunday,
Our booths are our homes; and we've nowhere to go to when these are
taken,
They must recollect that the Learned Pig ain't a lord, like the Learned Bacon.
The learned pig may carry himself off to Newgate market-it is but just
over the way,
And the alligator may indulge himself shedding crocodile tears for ever and
a day:
The elephant may pack up his trunk; for Smithfield he must abandon:
And the mare with seven feet may cut her stick, for she hasn't a leg to
stand on:
The wonderful calf with two heads had better pack up his traps and begone;
For the' Lord Mayor hasn't no fellow-feeling only for calves with one.
The pelican had better go and peck his bowsum somewhere else, and not
stop here in such distress,
A-bringing up his four little ones (with a drop of blood a-piece) to be only
pelicans of the wilderness:
The industrious fleas may hop the twig as soon as they like, for one thing is
very clear,
If they ain't off of their own accord, the Lord Mayor will soon help 'em off
with a flea in their ear!.
As for myself, I've made up my mind what to do; though, of course, I can't
quite keep down my sensations,
In parting with a animal which I have so long looked on almost as one of
my own relations ;
But I shall sell my GIGANTIC DURInAM HEIFER (and so put an end to their
noises and rows),
And then-as the next nearest trade-I shall take to Waccination, and go
and live at Cowes !







OCTOBER.


[1841.


A PROMENADE CONCERT.

HARPER and-Beau-man, and Platt and Cooke,
I bring you into this comical book;
Just as I've seen you blowing so hard,
At your own original Strand Prom'nade!
Harper, you're no harper at all;
A harper sings as he rattles his strings;
You don't meddle with any such things:
Your strings are your lungs, with their brazen tongues; Harper.
If men don't like your play-they nay lump it;
But you beat, you know, the world at a blow,
And it can't play a trick but you're sure to trump-it!
Beau-man! Bowman! I tell you what,
If you are a bowman I'll be shot;
From a narrow chest you do not sigh;
No quiver have you, and no big bull's eye;
Yet with your long bassoon so deep,
Through passages many you're heard to sweep: Bowman.
Some of them light, and some of them dark,
And, whatever their measure, you hit your mark.
Platt! Platt I I can't stand that-
To call you Platt is both rude and raw,
Just as if you were a man of straw,
Or a twister of hair, or a man at a hell,
Playing the part of a Bonnetter well.
No, no; that is no go;
The public never will let it be so: Platt.
You are a navigator born,
And all your life will be rounding Cape Horn;
Your sails will be full of fair wind to the last,
And there's no one more perfectly used to the blast
Cooke! Cooke! you comical elf,
You never dressed anything but yourself;
You are no Cook, sir, although, by your fun,
I'-" known some few people most thoroughly.done; Cooke.
You are "first hautboy," a tried and a true,
And 'what- pleasant hours I owe, boy, to you!






Low note. High note, Sharp. Flat. A flourish 'f Trmpets.














3~i~ ralr
((BRASS MovrrT'?~-~ -7~ _=_1
~oRT~ ~ r la













ti
I, i. I.









LONDON LIONS.
"To mister wilyam Waters gardner to squire Brakenhurst, Pipe uppon trent
stafordsheer.
"DEER WILYAm,
"i now Take up my cast mettle pen & ink to inform yew that i arrived safe
in lundun by the Hup train without bean Blowd to attoms, having proffiden-
shally tuk my please in a fust clas carige, which the charges is for bean Blew to
bits in a 2nd class twenty shilin & bean Only yewr arm broke in the fust class
30 shilin. Allso their is a 3rd clas lately aded, wear in adision yew may catch
a Bad cold & rewmatisum for life for the smal charge of 14 shilin. But to return
to arriving in lundun, my i! it is a rare plase. Off its size yew may juge wen i
tel yew i have Bean hear a weak & hay not yet seed awl, But i hav seen a grate
menny wunders-plays & concerts & cosmyrammers & diarammers & call-
and-see-ems & one think or another. But i wish i had cum herlier in the season,
ass threw the fog i hav Mist a gud dele.
"Ass natural xpex i 1st pade my cumplements to Sent Pawl: it is a Bew-
tifull bilding-only the lower 4 which yew carnt sea for the sut & the hupper I
which yew carnt sea for the fog. Leastways such was the case the day i was
their: also the Same afterwoods at West minster aby, partickly the poets corner
bean quite cuvverd with Rhyme. And appropo i doant advice strangers to
visit lundun like me by the Gide buke, ass i found the disadvarntige of taking
the lions ass they ar set down, namely 1st goin to Sent Pawls, then to West
minster aby, then to sent Marys witechappel then to sent Looks chelsy &
cettera. And the same of uther xibisions, ass from axual xperiance cannot re-
cummend going from the sologgicle gardens in the regensy park to the sologgicles
in the Sorry side; & then to the diarammer & then to the teams tunnel.
"But to return to sent Pawls, i went inside & was lost in Asstonishment,
partickly at the smal space ass is aloud for serves, which deer wilyam, it is just
ass if at Trent hall master was to shut up the Drawing rume, & the dining rume
& the library & the sirvents awl & so forth & only live in the Butlers pantry.
After lissenin to the singin for about T of a nour i axt 2 off the beetles as was
crawling about wen theyde begin to pray, but instead off replying the 2 blak
beetles busted their selves out a laffin & ran off like Devvles coach orses.
"My next visit was Doory lane, which is the 1st Inglish theater going--
for frensh fidlers and Jerman orn bloers. The music was very Bewtifull
partickly the basune, which quite went to my art, & put me in mind off Deer
ome & the grene feelds & meddows & evrythink-it was so like the cryin of a
young carf that had Lost its muther. Wat added very hi to the Afect off the
musik was the young gentel men & ladys a beating time with there walking stix
& umberrellows, which aded to sum Humming the hair and others a marching
about exact to to the tune rely shows wat may be Dun in such a plase ass
lundun & ow sirvissable sich things is to improve the Nashonal taste. Also
the same of dres, which it cumbines the hellegancys off a maskerade & fancy
bawl, menny of the young men bean Drest in the karecters of plowmen with
smok froks & cettera, and others like hakny coach men & homynibus cads, and
sum Disgized in likker. Allso it is very pleesing to sea how atentif the young
men ar to the percedings, for even if a lady cums in during the performense they
woant so much ass Stir from there seats-for feerd off Disturbing the musik.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


[1841.


Next morning i went to take a walk in covven Gardin, but was very dis-
apinted, instead off finding it Lade out in gravvel walks & flour beds, edged
with box and twiggy hosiery, was ful of shops & grate lung gallery, & instead
off at 1 end a Prety litel arber like ware i ust to sit corting yewr Deer sister
mary is nuthink but a Grate church with a luminated clok & a lot of grave
stones lying about.
"Allso, deer wilyam, i musent forget the briges. they ar really Wunderfull
& ass for the arches i never sea sich Archery .in awl my Days. But
Wat yew woodent Like is making yew pay tol, just ass if yew was a boss or
a has, only with this difrance, not allowing yew to cum Bak the same day with-
out paing afresh, which the 1st time i went over waterloo brige i ad quite a
Waterloo batel with the man about it, & wat was wuss for the unperlitenes of
the thing, a Bewtifull yung lady coming that way, i axualy cort the feller a
Tolling the bell. But the most curus of awl the briges is 1 built by mister
brunel which goes Hunder the water instead off Hover it, & in lew off entering
threw a turnpike gate as usuel, yew are obleegt to go down a Wel ole, tho for
my own part i Declind the later, ass the old maxum ses Let wel alone..
"From their i perceded to the blue cote skule, a wunderfull site, wear
underds & underds of litel bys & gels of boath sexxs is tort evrythink free, &
ass befour observed the bys is known by their Blu cotes & the gels by their Blu
stokkins. Same day went to sea Gys hospital, so cawld on account off the young
doctors making sich Gys off them selvs: also from there to Sent tommasses
but unfortynat coodent gane admission, not bean 1 off Sent tommases Days.
Consequensialy, wishing to have a pepe at the shipping, i inquired my way to
the flete, but instead off Old inglands sudden wals found nuthink but sum un-
comon big Stone wals & on axing a noo please wear i cood sea a gud large
Ship or 2 was Derected to Smithfeeld.
Another day i went to sea the towr, wear is anuff guns and canons to
canonize old Maimit aley & all his raskly egipsions put together. Allso the
mint ust to be hear, but not off late ears, tho they still preserve the ax as cut
off the hed off Hanna Bullion.
Yestoday i vissitted the ile of Dogs and spent the evening at the indyan
Bow Wow, which, deer wilyam, a indyan Bow Wow is the same thing ass a
inglisb Row de Dow. But to conclude, deer wilyam, in spite of lundun & awl
its wikkidnes i shal be glad to cum down to deer natif stafordsheer agen, for
ass i say, Ome's ome after awl-wen yewr munnys spent, & deer wilyam, giv
my Tru luv to yewr sister mary & beg her exceptence off the inclosd smawl
trifl off a steal bodkin which i wood have maid it a silver thimbull but unfortynat
wayed moor then 2 a ounse, & deer wilyam, if theirs anything i can dew for
yew in lundun doant say no, i wood go threw fire and water to serv yew, but
pleas to send the munny, & rite ass sune ass yew can, not forgeting to pay the
post, which is ass follos'namely for 1 a oz. 1 peece of stikkin plaster, for a hole
2 ditos or 1 Blu un, for 1i oz 3 ditos or a Blak & blu, and so on up to a pound,
abuv which, as a pork pi or a stilton chese or anything of that sort, it wood be
Better to send it by the Rale rode or pikfords van. So no moor from yewr
umbel sirvent
RALPH ROUGHDIAMOND."






































NOV E M B E R- Sees-unable.weather








NOVEMBER.


ON GOOD TERMS.

TERM-AGANTS.
GA-ITH sweet Lawyers, in Westminster-hall;
There's more game in your bag, than a sportsman e'er shoots:
Youfeed, and you'refed, let whatever befal;
And your flowing gowns cover your sins and your suits,
Who says that yours isn't a right royal sport,
When it's known that you all make your fortunes at Court ? Termagants.
5. France in a state of spontaneous combustion.


France is a powder magazine,
A sort of foreign infernal machine-
A barrel of brimstone, of odour ambrosian,
Apparently brewed for a triple X"-plosion!
She's been fermenting her beer for years!
She laughs in her frenzy, or revels in Thiers-
For war she'll riot, at peace she'll scoff,
And she wont go on till she does go off
She's quite in a "fifth of November" state,
To blow up some one at any rate;
If Guy Fawkes were over there-my eyes!
She'd make him a Peer-as the Duke of Guys!
She'd have her Monarch in air be blown;
Not one of the throne, but the overthrown !
And when he was shivered to atoms, she'd wait
To pick up his bits to bury in state!
She'd shoot at him till he was quite unnerved,
And then address him on being preserved.
But a King-to say it I do not stickle-
In such a preserve must be always in pickle !
I wouldn't be Louis-Philippe, I say,
If 1 had a thousand Louis a-day.
To be King in a laud of such whimsical slaugh
'S like being a Monarch inside of a mortar i
21. Princess Royal born, 1840.


CBARDLE HE (NO HeMNU ).
As you're born in a palace,
It's clear you must not
Be permitted, young baby,
To sleep in a cot:
So they've stirred up their wits,
SWith invention's pap-ladle,
And determined to give you
A Nautilus cradle;
Most loyally certain,
Whate'er it may do,
It will ne'er make a naughty lass,
Baby, of you


Through air as
dark as
dirty muslin,









Duke of Guys.


The city people
go
a-guzzlin.


f-






-Lod
Lords in wa:t.n_.







286 THE COMIC ALMAACK. [1841.


A LONDON FOG.
Now, the sun, after a vain attempt to catch a glimpse of St. Paul's, or the
Monument, gives it up in despair; while his morning herald, Lucifer, finds the
fog more than a Lucifer match for him, and goes out like a damp Jones-and-Co.
of a windy night. Now, the sleepy housemaid is in a fine trepidation, on dis-
covering that her missis was right in giving her seven-o'clock ring an hour
ago; she (the maid) having just counted eight in full, on the kitchen clock.
Now, hook noses and cries of clo" are more rife than ever; and, somehow or
other, silver spoons and forks disappear more frequently from the domestic
hearth." Now, the poor behind-hand city clerk, who must be at his desk, in
Lombard-street, by nine (it is now half-past eight by Lambetls Palace clock), de-
termines to sacrifice fourpence on the Iron-boat Company; and, having passed
an agonizing ten minutes in the cold, sloppy cabin, is at last annihilated by the
steward's informing him that, in consequence of the denseness of the fog, the
captain has determined not to run the boat this morning. Now, invisible cab-
men drive unseen horses along viewless thoroughfares, and omnibusses go,
flitting like so many Flying Dutchmen, through the mist and fog. Now, the
two young gentlemen who have a coffee-and-pistol appointment at Chalk Farm,
find it anything but agreeable to be set up only three yards asunder, instead of
having the length of Primrose Hill between them, so as to have.had a reason-
able chance of missing one another. Now, a walk in the neighbourhood of
Smithfield is by no means improved in its desirableness; it was bad enough
before, but nothing to what it is under the "Bull's new system." Now, young
Government clerks, who have to trudge from the west," as they call it
(namely-Marylebone-lane, Chesterfield-street, Portland-place," and so forth),
are highly indignant, and more than usually vituperative of the superiors of
their departments, whom they commonly describe (particularly if of a political
turn) as vile sinecurists, "grinding the last drop of blood from the brows of a
suffering people, to pay for their own pleasures, and to minister to their own
inordinate desires !" Now, nursemaids not accustomed to the care of children"
(in a fog), suddenly find their tender charges minus divers coral necklaces,
ostrich feathers, gold lockets, &c. &c.; while the interesting young lady who
leads dear little Fido about the parks, in a string, and reads Lord Byron the
while, is horrified on finding that, for the last half hour, she has been engaged
in dragging after her a mere remnant of blue ribbon. Now, omnibus cads only
shake their heads in reply to your most earnest appeals and uplifted fingers,
for their vehicles are all full, and can take in no more." Now, "blacks" come
down in torrents; and coal-heavers and chimney-sweepers are the only persons
that can show a decent face on the occasion. Now, wood pavements are in
nice condition; particularly that in the pleasing bend by St. Giles's church;
where
They slip now who never slipped before;
And they who always slipped now slip the more."

Now, housemaids do their work in no time; for it's of no use looking out for
raps from chamber windows. Now, on the 5th. little boys exhibit their Guys
in all parts of the town; and, on the 9th, children of a larger growth" make
Guys of themselves all the way from Guildhall to Westminster and back. Now,







1841.J A LONDON FOG. Z0o

everybody has got a shawl, comforter, boa, or bandana, round his or her neck-
except the philosophers, who appear in respirators; the result of which is, that
the shawl, comforter, boa, and bandana-ites, escape scott free, while the philo-
sophers catch most confounded bad colds and sore throats. Now, unhappy is
that mamma who has a juvenile party for an excursion to the Monument; for,
of course, they'll all twelve cry their twenty-four little eyes out-equally if
they go and can't see anything, or are kept at home because nothing is to be
seen. Now, on the river is confusion worse confounded, and smuggling is
going on most prosperously in all its branches. Now, the old traveller,"
just arrived by the Antwerp packet, who will carry his own portmanteau and
great coat, finds, on stopping to change arms, at the nearest post, that one or
other of the commodities has disappeared while he was comfortably adjusting
its fellow. Now, telegraph captains and weathercocks have a nice easy time of
t, and the guide to the York column is gone to see his cousins in the country.
Now, men with wooden legs look very independent, as they stump over the
slushy pavement; and people who have the misfortune to possess complete sets,
are sadly perplexed at the crossings of the Royal Exchange, Charing Cross, and
the Regent's Circus. Now, hare skins and worsted comforters are hung out
prominently at the haberdashers' shops, and furs, "at this season," are, by no
means," selling at reduced prices." Now, the man "wot lights the lamps" in
St. James's Park, is in a regular state of bewilderment, and not unfrequently is
found running up one of the saplings instead of the lamp-post. Now, the
young gentleman who has an assignation in the "grove at the end of the vale,"
begins to wish he hadn't been quite so urgent in the matter, and would give
his ears for a decent excuse to be off the bargain. Now, honest John Sloman,
the grocer, at the corner of Cannon-street, in consideration.of the werry orrid
state of the weather, is inveigled by his wife and daughter to visit one of the
promenade concerts; to which end, having never been at a promenade concert
before, honest John provides himself with a stout cane and his easy walking
boots, warranted to do four miles an hour over any turnpike-road in the king-
dom. Now, clubs are crammed, particularly the Oriental, where enormous fires
are kept up, and the chilly old nabobs cling round one another like bats in a
cellar; Now, as the plot (alias the fog) thickens, torches make their appear-
ance; first by dozens, then by dozens of dozens, then by dozens of dozens of
dozens: Charing-cross is as difficult to navigate as the North-west passage,
and the parks are impossible; hackney coaches drive up against church win-
dows; old men tumble down cellar holes: old-women and children stand
crying up against lamp-posts, lost within a street of their own homes; om-
nibus horses dash against one another, and are handed over to the knacker; a
gentleman, having three ladies and a young family of children to escort home
from Astley's (on foot, of course), is in a nice predicament; all the little boys
in London are out, increasing, by their screams and halloos, the bewilderment
of the scene (scene, did I say ?); pickpockets are on the alert; ditto, burglars;
policemen are not to be found; watchmen are missing ; in short, the whole town
is in such a state of commotion and panic, that it only requires a well-organized
banditti to carry off all London into the next county.








DECEMBER. [1841.


A STIRRING TIME.


PUDDINGS, as well as people, begin to go to pot;
cooks, as well as drunkards, get their coppers hot.
Lemons excel hypocrites in getting candid: currants,
from house to house, like crooked legs, are bandied.
At moist sugar, instead of white, the busy servants
jump; and wisely begin to like that which they can-
not lump. Mothers who beat their children, whenever
the whim comes in their head, now actively betake
themselves to beating eggs instead. The family as-
semble, but it's no longer "my lovely Rose," or my
sweet William, with his pretty stock, the flour of the
Christmas pudding is now the flower of the flock!
Father, the only one who never would to their low
obscurity demur, is now just as anxious as any to join
in a general stir. Ambition, alive in his breast, awakens
a mighty surprise, to think that he, who was always
mincing matters, should begin to mince pies! and they
prophesy, as he rakes the plums, in the bowl of China
or delf, that he'll live to a Christmas-day that shall
see him worth a plsm himself. How fond he is on'em
all," says nurse, meaning to be clever; "I declare
he's a mixing with his family more than ever 1" "Yes,
nurse," responds his spouse, who thought she could
do no less, "your master's acting the part of presi-
dent of the family mess!" and so on-nothing whatever
their placid temper a-spoiling, until the pudding's
made, and tied up, and shut down, and in the copper
a-boiling!
21. St. Thomas, the shortest day.
He who is short of tin, with rent to pay,
'S a great deal shorter than the shortest day;
Rent is heart-rending, when it's over due,
Four quarters, and no quarter but to sue:
You strain your nerves for cash, with great and small,
Only to be distrained on after all;
And meet, when in the worst of mortal messes,
A fresh distress to crown your old distresses!


25. Christmas Bills:-
Alarming accounts for China.
A British Settlement.


De Porkey's Tresor.

Shortest Day.


So dark, I can't
see my hand.






Bosom Friends.


Clock after Sun.


i it


FI841.


DECEMBER.














F-= r

~j~ibz~~I I



_



Ii /



Lerrls)




DE EM E -A S aI ow a Ch iL mas' ( a-a ais i











CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

CHRISTMAS comes but once a year;
By Jove! it hadn't need come more,
Unless it wants to ruin me
Outright, and turn me out of door!
That horrid fit of gout, brought on
By neighbour Guzzle's Christmas cheer!
I thought it would have kill'd me quite;
But Christmas comes but once a year.

I very seldom touch a card,
For gambling's not at all my sphere;
I wish I hadn't played last night!
But Christmas comes but once a year.
In drinking, I'm most moderate:
Oh my poor head: oh, dear! oh, dear!
Why did I taste that nasty punch P
But Christmas comes but once a ybar.

I do not often play the fool,
And join in romps with younger folks;
But where's the stoic can resist
When pretty lips so sweetly coax
"Come, nunks, one game at Blindman's-buff;
There, turn round roast beef-never fear!"
A nice lumbago I have got;
But Christmas comes but once a year.

I'm rather fond of gardening,
And curious plants delight to rear:
The best, my mistletoe, is gone;
But Christmas comes but once a year.
The tree that on my natal day
Was planted by my father dear-
The holly-tree-is stripped quite bare;
But Christmas comes but once a year.

My kinsfolks-cousins, nephews, aunts,
All come to dine on Christmas day;
It's been the custom many years
(Which Heaven forbid should fall away):
But scarcely had they all arrived,
When down the snow came, dull and drear-
So deep, not one can get away;
But Christmas comes but once a year.
U







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


Of course it's very nice indeed
To have one's kindred thus around;
And hear one's old paternal walls
With song, and dance, and mirth resound.
But, then, they've taken all the beds:
And lying on two chairs, oh! dear;
Up in a garret-where there's rats-
But Christmas comes but once a year.

The London gentlemen I met
At Drury-lane, when last in town,
Have written to say, if all goes right,
By this day's train they're coming down.
I know I was a Zeetle sprung
That night, and by their note it's clear,
I've asked them all five to my house:
But Christmas comes but once a year.

My wife, in honour of the time,
Would have a friendly Christmas ball;
They've danced a hole right through the floor,
And ruined quite the party wall.
And daughter Ann has fall'n in love
With some poor dev'l, not worth, I hear,
Enough to pay the parson's fee;
But Christmas comes but once a year.

The servants, too, must have their rout
(I love to see them gay and glad);
But then they needn't all have got
So very drunk-and very mad;
And give one warning "then and there,"
And bid me "take my beef and beer;"
And beg I'd "pay their wages up:"-
But Christmas comes but once a year.

The Christmas bills are pouring in,
My family's increasing fast;
Four girls, five boys-Ann, Kate, Jane, Sue,
Tom, Dick, Jack, Fred, and Prendergast:
And nurse has just come in to say,
Another little stranger" dear
Is just arrived-there, that makes ten:-
But Christmas comes but once a year.


[1841,









BOTHERTUM ASTROLOGICUTM PRO ANNO 1841.





















NOTE now, oh! reader, the denotements of my prophet sketch:
open your eyes upon the symbols which I symbolize. Behold
the Cross and the Crescent in neighbourly collision; yet the Crescent
is not Burton Crescent, nor the Cross, King's Cross, though these
localities approximate in as close degrees: but they tell of Europe
cooking the Goose of a Pacha for the Turkey of a Sultan; and, by
this time, the bird is plucked and basted, and may be considered as
thoroughly done. Witness, too, how the dismayed tee-totaller
gazes on the wreck of the Chinese world below. But Bull is in the
heart of the shop; no juggler could save the jugs; every cup is a
cup too low; the plates are dished entirely, and the case of cruelty
is equal in atrocity to the murder of Ware. Now is exemplified
the difference between a Man-darin and a daring man. It is break-
ing-up time, but no holidays. Loud is the music of Handle among
the crockery, bit its verbal oratory is demolished by the entire
annihilation of spout. It is going to pot with a vengeance, and
occasions, in China, the perfect distortion of every human mug. Tea,
however, is scarce for a season. They refuse to give us their green
for our gunpowder: they mix their mixed with poison, and it is
now How queer!" instead of How-qua!" They refuse the bid-
v2







292 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1841.

ding of Pidding! But turn from hieroglyphic revealments to the
signs and prognostics of the domestic world. Is your curiosity
moved to interest in the play of Destiny ? I then will act the part
of Tell. Upon the palace of Victoria I behold the shiiing of a new
sun; the hopes of royalty may now be boy-ed up, and a fair young
passenger lately arrived by the first royal train will move to another
station, and take a place lower, by reason of what has taken place.
I seethe world settling, like cards, into pax. Peace coming a-pace-is:
war we shall pose with repose. The political horizon shows clear.
There will be an improvement in the State; and notwithstanding
the recent explosion of Dr. Church's engine, I foresee no danger to
Church. On the contrary, the sun will shine on Parson's Green;
and, as regards the revenue, there is every chance for a surplice;
probably owing to the New Church rate at which the said engine is
going.








DR. CHURBC'S ENGINE.





LATEST NEWS FROM COURT.

Nov. 21st, 1840.-Princess Royal brought in, and "ordered to
be laid on the table," like a bill.
Dec. 3rd.-Bill Jones found under the table, and ordered to be
sent to the Counter like a willain. (" So much for Buckingham !')
A little girl, a stranger in the palace
Came, and the nation there was nothing sad in;
Aladdin's lamp then brightened joy's full chalice,
How very different when they found a lad in !
The little boy's intrusion proved annoyant,
The little girl made all a little buoyant ?







292 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1841.

ding of Pidding! But turn from hieroglyphic revealments to the
signs and prognostics of the domestic world. Is your curiosity
moved to interest in the play of Destiny ? I then will act the part
of Tell. Upon the palace of Victoria I behold the shiiing of a new
sun; the hopes of royalty may now be boy-ed up, and a fair young
passenger lately arrived by the first royal train will move to another
station, and take a place lower, by reason of what has taken place.
I seethe world settling, like cards, into pax. Peace coming a-pace-is:
war we shall pose with repose. The political horizon shows clear.
There will be an improvement in the State; and notwithstanding
the recent explosion of Dr. Church's engine, I foresee no danger to
Church. On the contrary, the sun will shine on Parson's Green;
and, as regards the revenue, there is every chance for a surplice;
probably owing to the New Church rate at which the said engine is
going.








DR. CHURBC'S ENGINE.





LATEST NEWS FROM COURT.

Nov. 21st, 1840.-Princess Royal brought in, and "ordered to
be laid on the table," like a bill.
Dec. 3rd.-Bill Jones found under the table, and ordered to be
sent to the Counter like a willain. (" So much for Buckingham !')
A little girl, a stranger in the palace
Came, and the nation there was nothing sad in;
Aladdin's lamp then brightened joy's full chalice,
How very different when they found a lad in !
The little boy's intrusion proved annoyant,
The little girl made all a little buoyant ?










ORIGINAL NOTES.
FROM THE
BIRMINGHAM MUSICAL FESTIVAL FOn 1840.

SEPT. 23.-Birmingham Musical Festival.-Ordered a cab; made
for Euston-square Station; landed awkwardly; got into port; ran
against a man; trod on his toe; gave my own port-man-teau to the
porter. Paid my fare; had the satisfaction of hearing the clerk
say, That's the ticket!" Was told I must be sure to shew it
when called upon; said, Very well;" always did like to have some-
thing to shew for my money. Travelled briskly; steam engine a
giant apparatus-a sort of Colossus of Roads; found they'd got me
into a line; couldn't help it; obliged to go; been a long while going.
Arrived at last; put up at the Hen and Chickens; thought, from
the sign of the house, charges might be fowl; agreeably surprised
to find them fair.
Monday.-Attended rehearsal. Splendid hall; grand interior;
glorious outside; ruined the builders. Brought the stone from the
Isle of Anglesea; sent the architects to the Isle of Dogs. Good re-
hearsal; noble orchestra; organ finely developed. Knynett acted
non-conductor; stamped as if he was paying stamp duty; very
droll; took the flats in, put the orchestra out. Glorious array of
singers: Miss Birch stuck to her perch; Miss Hawes obeyed the
laws; Dorus Gras-made no faux, pas ; Braham's throat gave tenor
note; Phillips shone in barritone ; big Lablache gave bass sans tache;
Cramer led with cap on head; Loder and Cooke played by book;
Dragonetti and Linley worked very well-o, on deep contra basso
and violoncello; bassoon of Beauman bothered no man; horn of
Platt came in pat; Harper's trumpet obligato, capitally took its
part-o; Cook played show-boy with his hautboy; and, to end without
a blunder, Chipp's drum had, its leather under,half a ton of smothered
thunder. Heard 'em play.; remembered the railroad, and couldn't
help thinking that I'd got off the line into the chords.
Tuesday.-Festival began. Shop full; a crammer for Cramer.
You've heard of the Chiltern Hundreds, they're nothing to the
Birmingham thousands. The seats were all uniform, but no uni-
form for the staff officers, only ribbons in their button-holes; beaux
with bows. Singers came on, and performance went off admirably.
Tednesday.-Town crowded; weather wet, but the people pour-
ing in faster than the rain; music hall made fine shelter; full
again; Mendelsohn's hymn of praise produced lots of praise of
him; people delighted; performance stupendous; singers tired;
Phillips almost knocked up; went out to refresh himself; strolled
too far, and was quite knocked down; robbed of his purse by three
brutal button-makers; he treated them to some sovereigns; they
treated him to an extra allowance of punch; he was bruised con-






THE COMIC ALMANACK.


siderably, but his watch and his barritone escaped without injury;
heard a tallow chandler say, that Phillips and Mendelsohn were
the heroes of the day, but that Mendelsohn had the glory of the
composition, and Phillips of the whacks !
Thursday.-Influx of nobility-nobs and bobs-Sir Robert Peel
among the latter.
Friday.-Festival over; grand fancy ball at night:
Drinking, dancing, all revel, no rest; proggery, toggery, all of
the best; whisking, frisking, whirling about, till daylight comes,
driving the candle-light out: then tired, not fired, their pillows
they clinch, and the festival's come to its very last pinch.



MANNERS MAKE THE MAN.
Know ye the wight one frequent meets,
With brazen lungs around the streets
Soliciting a job ?
His head in shovel-hat encased,
His legs in cotton hose embraced,
And nick-named "Dusty Bob ?"
You hold in small account, no doubt,
One who dust, oh !" doth bawl about,
Yet low as his estate,
Some philosophic thoughts belong
To him whose time is passed among
The ashes of the grate.
Still, these are matters all apart
From thy design, my muse, who art
Just now intent to tell
An episode of humble life,
That was with courtly manners rife,
And thus the chance befell.
"The rosy morn, with blushes spread,
Now rose from out Tithonus' bed,"
Which means, the world had set
(For these are unromantic days)
About its work, and gone its ways,
Forthwith to toil and sweat.
Among the many that arise,
To pay their morning sacrifice,
That is, to Juggernaut,
Themselves beneath Aurora's car,
With Pagan zeal your dustman are
Beyond all others fraught.


[1841.






THE COMIC ALMANACK.


siderably, but his watch and his barritone escaped without injury;
heard a tallow chandler say, that Phillips and Mendelsohn were
the heroes of the day, but that Mendelsohn had the glory of the
composition, and Phillips of the whacks !
Thursday.-Influx of nobility-nobs and bobs-Sir Robert Peel
among the latter.
Friday.-Festival over; grand fancy ball at night:
Drinking, dancing, all revel, no rest; proggery, toggery, all of
the best; whisking, frisking, whirling about, till daylight comes,
driving the candle-light out: then tired, not fired, their pillows
they clinch, and the festival's come to its very last pinch.



MANNERS MAKE THE MAN.
Know ye the wight one frequent meets,
With brazen lungs around the streets
Soliciting a job ?
His head in shovel-hat encased,
His legs in cotton hose embraced,
And nick-named "Dusty Bob ?"
You hold in small account, no doubt,
One who dust, oh !" doth bawl about,
Yet low as his estate,
Some philosophic thoughts belong
To him whose time is passed among
The ashes of the grate.
Still, these are matters all apart
From thy design, my muse, who art
Just now intent to tell
An episode of humble life,
That was with courtly manners rife,
And thus the chance befell.
"The rosy morn, with blushes spread,
Now rose from out Tithonus' bed,"
Which means, the world had set
(For these are unromantic days)
About its work, and gone its ways,
Forthwith to toil and sweat.
Among the many that arise,
To pay their morning sacrifice,
That is, to Juggernaut,
Themselves beneath Aurora's car,
With Pagan zeal your dustman are
Beyond all others fraught.


[1841.






MANNERS MAKE THE MAN.

In sooth, to speak, we would not choose
To state these fellows ever snooze,
For bitter as the bore is,
Nor night, nor morn, in square or street,
Can one go forth, but he must meet,
These grim "memento moris."

But to my tale: at break of day,
Up rose the hero of my lay,
With hope his spirits buoy'd;
And ever as he fill'd his cart,
He felt a space beneath his heart
Establishing a void.

Loud and more loud the murmurs rise,
Like an Rolian harp, whose sighs
At first breathe gently; but
Wild music from its bosom springs,
When the wind howls among the strings,
And agitates the gut.

Though Bob knew nought of &Eolus,
He learnt, from this internal fuss,
'Twas time for breakfast now:
Or, as he said, "for bit and sup,
His innards was a kicking up
Sich a unkimmon row."

'Twas thus intent on dejeuner,
Our hungry dustman took his way,
In search of fitting food:
Nor long his quest, until he came,
Where a spruce, gay, and buxom dame,
Behind a counter stood.

And, as with horny fist he smoothed his hair,
He thus bespoke that lady debonaire:
"Cut us a slap-up slice of Cheshire cheese,
And tip's a twopenny burster, if you please."
Here, 'tis befitting to relate the guise,
In which Bob met the gentle lady's eyes.
A poll with matted carrots thatched,
A face with mud and smut bepatched,
A neck and chest scarce half begirt
With a lugubrious, yellow shirt,
A slip of waistcoat here and there,
Breeches, a demi-semi pair,
And not a vestige of a coat-
Such was our earthy sans culotte.


295







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


When such an apparition met her view,
What was most natural the dame should do P
Straightway address her dainty self,
To seek the treasures of her shelf P
Or clap some musty, antiquated crust,
Between the fingers of the man of dust ?
The latter, doubtless, and it so fell out;
Turning, with ill-dissembled scorn, about,
The lady-baker hardly deigned to drop
Into his palm the patriarch of the shop;
A venerable roll, a fixture there-
A household nest-egg of the boulangere.
Here, a domestic mouse had, long ago
(Soon after it was dough),
Wreathed him, as Thomas Moore would say, "his
bower"
Among the flower:
And happened, accidentally, to be
Chez lui,
When madame put the piece of antique bread
Into our dustman's hand, as hath been said.
Now, let me ask, had Chesterfield been placed,
What time his chyle with exercise was braced,
To make his meal from off a living mess,
D'ye think my Lord had kept his politesse ?
Or acted, as did Bob, the man of dirt,
Who, on the instant that he did insert
His thumb and finger in that roll so stale,
Pull'd out the squeaking vermin by the tail;
And seeing that the bak'ress looked aghast
Upon the means she gave to break his fast-
Blandly observed, "There's some mistake in this,
I didn't ax you for a sandwich, Miss !"


[1841.










BRANDY AND SALT.

THE wonderful cures effected by these ingredients have made such a noise
in the world, that we cannot resist the temptation to publish a few facts and
testimonies which have fallen under our immediate knowledge.
The first case was that of a poor man, who had been for years a martyr to
the gout, and being desirous of trying the effects of the miraculous compound,
but unable to purchase the ingredients, he tried another plan, and perfectly
succeeded in removing every symptom of inflammation, by merely sitting a
quarter of an hour with one foot in a brandy-keg, and the other in a salt-
box.
THE FOLLOWING IS FROM A CORRESPONDENT.
"Dear Sir,-May I beg your insertion of the following ?-I was terribly
afflicted with cancer, heartburn, chilblains, thickness of breathing, warts,
headache, numbness of the joints, deafness, sore throat, lumbago, toothach,
loss of appetite, falling off of the hair, corns, &c. &c., when I was recom-
mended to try the newly-discovered panacea; and, I am happy to say, after
two bottles of the stuff, I am perfectly recovered. You are at liberty to make
what use you think proper of this letter.
"Yours most obediently,
"F. FLAME.
"N.B.-None but the best French brandy will do, some very fine samples
of which are on hand at my Warehouse, No. 99i, Gammon Street, Hoax-
ton."
IROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT.
snr-i Take the liberty of dressing yew about the brandy & sawlt. i
was aflicted with dredfull lownes of sperits & rewmatism which having freely
aplide the abuv has boath Disapeard. sir my way of Aplying is the sawlt
outside wonst a day & the brandy in twice ewery our. its effex is sumtims
really Asstonishing. my wife also takes the abuv Meddisin in her tea, &
finds grate bennifits.
f"sir yewr Most obediant
TuinnAS SPOONEY.
P.S.-sir a neyber of min Tride the abuv on his wife bean Bad skalded
killing a pig but Unhlkky forgot to Put in the sawlt. owevver it was awl
Verry wel, for the brandy aloan Cured his wife & now he's got the Sawlt to
Cure his bakun."



ASSOCIATION OF BRITISH ILLUMINATE.

[The following Extracts from the Proceedings of this illustrious Body,
at the Meeting of 1840, will be read, no doubt, with the interest they
deserve.]
SOME very curious statistical and general reports were made by Mr. Colley
Wobble, on the street refreshments of London. It appeared that the pro-
portion of baked potato receptacles, or, as they were commonly termed,
"hot tator cans," over kidney-pudding stalls, was as six to one. Of these










BRANDY AND SALT.

THE wonderful cures effected by these ingredients have made such a noise
in the world, that we cannot resist the temptation to publish a few facts and
testimonies which have fallen under our immediate knowledge.
The first case was that of a poor man, who had been for years a martyr to
the gout, and being desirous of trying the effects of the miraculous compound,
but unable to purchase the ingredients, he tried another plan, and perfectly
succeeded in removing every symptom of inflammation, by merely sitting a
quarter of an hour with one foot in a brandy-keg, and the other in a salt-
box.
THE FOLLOWING IS FROM A CORRESPONDENT.
"Dear Sir,-May I beg your insertion of the following ?-I was terribly
afflicted with cancer, heartburn, chilblains, thickness of breathing, warts,
headache, numbness of the joints, deafness, sore throat, lumbago, toothach,
loss of appetite, falling off of the hair, corns, &c. &c., when I was recom-
mended to try the newly-discovered panacea; and, I am happy to say, after
two bottles of the stuff, I am perfectly recovered. You are at liberty to make
what use you think proper of this letter.
"Yours most obediently,
"F. FLAME.
"N.B.-None but the best French brandy will do, some very fine samples
of which are on hand at my Warehouse, No. 99i, Gammon Street, Hoax-
ton."
IROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT.
snr-i Take the liberty of dressing yew about the brandy & sawlt. i
was aflicted with dredfull lownes of sperits & rewmatism which having freely
aplide the abuv has boath Disapeard. sir my way of Aplying is the sawlt
outside wonst a day & the brandy in twice ewery our. its effex is sumtims
really Asstonishing. my wife also takes the abuv Meddisin in her tea, &
finds grate bennifits.
f"sir yewr Most obediant
TuinnAS SPOONEY.
P.S.-sir a neyber of min Tride the abuv on his wife bean Bad skalded
killing a pig but Unhlkky forgot to Put in the sawlt. owevver it was awl
Verry wel, for the brandy aloan Cured his wife & now he's got the Sawlt to
Cure his bakun."



ASSOCIATION OF BRITISH ILLUMINATE.

[The following Extracts from the Proceedings of this illustrious Body,
at the Meeting of 1840, will be read, no doubt, with the interest they
deserve.]
SOME very curious statistical and general reports were made by Mr. Colley
Wobble, on the street refreshments of London. It appeared that the pro-
portion of baked potato receptacles, or, as they were commonly termed,
"hot tator cans," over kidney-pudding stalls, was as six to one. Of these







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


cans one in seven was surmounted with lamps; one in three had a spare
valve, to let off steam ; and five out of nine used condensed Dorset scrapings,
averaging about fourpence per pound. The kidney-pudding stalls appeared
to confine their stations to the neighborhoods of the minor theatres, and he
could trace the effect of their nourishing principle in those thrilling and pas-
sionate outbursts, which melodramatic actors threw into such phrases as-
"It is my daughter!" "Begone, sir! and learn not to insult virtuous
poverty;" and the like class. Some of the stalls were embellished with
singularly curious transparent lanterns, representing theatrical subjects on
their four sides.
Mr. Bobbledabs inquired what species of light was burnt inside these
transparencies ?
Mr. Colley Wobble defined it as produced by the combustion of atmospheric
air, acting on a half-consumed continuity of a twopenny thick, set in argilla-
ceous candlesticks. He was led to make these observations from having
perceived a hole burnt in the lantern, where the candle had tumbled over.
The learned gentleman added, in continuation, that one of the most favourite
exhibitions was Kerim and Sanballat fighting for a kidney-pudding, from
Timour the Tartar." He had likewise observed William Tell shooting a
kidney-pudding from Albert's head, and Mr. Stickney riding five kidney-
puddings at once for a horse-he meant to say-that is-the Association
would know what he meant.
Mr. Snuffantupenny inquired if these piquant preparations were expen-
sive ?
Mr. Colley Wobble estimated the general price at one penny each. When
purchased, the vendor made a hole in them with the nail of his little finger,
and poured in some warm compound, out of a blacking-bottle, with a quill in
the cork. The liquid had been analyzed by Mr. Faraway, and was found to
contain one part fat, one part furniture oil, two parts infusion of melt, and
sixteen parts of hot water, with dirt in solution.
Mr. Gambado then read a talented paper on The imaginary barrier pre-
cluding pickled whelks from the tables of the aristocracy;" and having
finished, he begged to propose a Committee of Inquiry-why boiled crabs
were sold at three a penny in Union Street, Middlesex Hospital, when you
might purchase four, for the same sum, on Kennington Common?
Mr. Bobbledabs trusted his talented friend would remember that Kenning-
ton Common was nearer the sea-coast than Union Street.
Mr. Gambado sat corrected. While they were on the subject, however,
he wished to say a few* words on the connexion supposed to exist between
the anatomical school of the said hospital-that was to say, the Middlesex-
and the number of shops for the sale of old bones and doctors' phials, with
which Union Street abounded; and why so many dissecting cases were to
be seen in the window of the pop-shop at the corner.
Dr. Corfe thought the reason was obvious. The scalpels hybernated with
the watches towards the end of November, and the students were thus,
unavoidably driven to use penknives for lancets, and the small ends of tobacco-
pipes for probes and blowpipes.


[I84I,













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