Front Cover
 Front Matter
 Half Title
 Title Page
 The comic almanack for 1839
 Back Matter
 Back Cover

The Comic almanack
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00005
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1839
Publication Date: [1870-71]
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00005

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
        Image : cold water cure
    Title Page
        Title Page
    The comic almanack for 1839
        Page 161
            Page 162
        Stubbs calendar or the fatal boots
            Page 163
            Page 164
            Page 165
            Page 166
            Page 167
            Page 168
            Page 169
            Page 170
            Page 171
            Page 172
            Page 173
            Page 174
            Page 175
            Page 176
            Page 177
            Page 178
            Page 179
            Page 180
            Page 181
            Page 182
        Association of British Illuminati to be held in the town hall Birmingham in August 1839
            Page 183
            Page 184
            Page 185
            Page 186
            Page 187
            Page 188
            Page 189
            Page 190
            Page 191
            Page 192
            Page 193
        Poetry at sight
            Page 194
        A settler's letter
            Page 194
            Page 195
            Page 196
            Page 197
            Page 198
        Blarneyhum ass trologicum pro anno 1839
            Page 199
            Page 200
            Page 201
            Page 202
        Ascot cup day : from the racing calendar
            Page 203
            Page 204
        Extracts from the annual register
            Page 205
            Page 206
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text


S Odd And Interesting

Dickens once visited Crilkshank's Atudio and there saw
a series of pictures illustrating the career of a London
thief. There was a sketch of Falin's den. the Artful
Dodger, Charley Bates and Bill Stkes. All these Dickeni
.worked Into the book, "Oliver Twist."

.. .-.*: ^ .":,!

*V ^ 4* .
i '

*- -

P r

Nt Uerily
nttu raitg
of lortiha

-7 3
V lge (ift of
Virginia Graham



cO(1%S 3 A3



IST SERIES, 1835-1843.

U ayuf t c a 6L &MLZ' J
4 i 1 -A
s ~;c a aIt, eAAOO ~7


O!tl eh i- s (L ik) -

The Cold Water Cure.


.**'" ^ ; ^.









lBiti mango Tunbreb Illustrations


FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843.



T HE Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long
been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as
among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending
over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive,
they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the
varied excellences of his marvellous power.
The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of
the Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged
upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers
Mayhew, the late Robert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has
been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of
"Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently
appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and Barber Cox, or the Cutting
of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for
1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2s. 6d., but
in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to Is.
The change did not produce the increased circulation expected,
and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2s. 6d. In
this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added,
and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner,
the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the work.
For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly
sought after by collectors, and as much as 61. and 71. have
been given. for good copies.
A Second Series, completing the work, will shortly be pub-
lished. It will be uniform in size and appearance with the
present volume, and embrace the years 1844-1853.
J. C. H.



FOR 1839.



MYSTERIOUS M urphy, whose transcendent skill
Makes hail, rain, vapour,
a Come forth obsequious to your will,-
At least on paper,-
s 1 Tell us what famous college
0 Bestow'd your wondrous knowledge
S Perchance your learned sconce found it at once;
8 Perhaps by degree of T.C.D.
S 7 Some say the Prince of Evil has been too civil,
And that, in change for all your knowledge boasted
You're doomed-like other murphies-to be roasted.
Some think, like me for one,
0 You've kissed the Blarney Stone;
But though your blunders make a pretty rout,
Sure, if you're right, by second sight,
You well may be, atfirst, a little out. -
But cock your weather eye athwart the sky,
e Of wind and storm disclose your store,
For one year more,
And tell us true.-
S Led by your lies the ships lie to,
o- i Or snugly arbour'd, with bower anchor ride,
And lose the tide-
Their funnies near, the watermen look sad,
Short cut or shag alone their sorrow lulls,
In sunshine read your page of weather bad,
And shake their heads, for no one wants their sculls.
But, sad to think, the washerwoman's pain,
Praying for rain,
And vainly hoping, as for showers she sniffs,
To fill her butts with your delusive ifs.
Ah, me! I sought the throngs in Beulah's bowers,
Seduced from home by your fair fiction,
SBut found none out, amid the drizzling showers,
Save my sad self and your prediction.
Now if again the weather's care you take on,
Don't try your flam on,
But if you wish to save your bacon,
Give us less gammon.


_r 2 _


SOME poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has really hap-
pened to him in this mortal life, lie would be sure to make a good book, though
he never had met with a single adventure from his birth to his burial; how much
more, then, must I, who have had adventures, most singular, pathetic, and un-
paralleled, be able to compile an instructive and entertaining volume for the use
of the public !
I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders of travel in
the deserts of Arabia or Prussia: or that I have been a very fashionable character,
living with dukes and peeresses, and writing my recollections of them as the way
now is. I never left this my native isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one,
who had rooms in our house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and extras);
but, as our immortal bard observes, I have in the course of my existence been so
eaten up by the slugs and harrows of outrageous fortune, and have been the
object of such continual and extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe it would melt
the heart of a mile-stone to read of it-that is, if a mile-stone had a heart of any-
thing but stone.
Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during the
twelve months of the year,- have been arranged by me for this Almanack. They
contain a part of the history of a great, and, confidently I may say, a good man.
I was not a spendthrift like other men. I never wronged any man of a shilling,
though I am as sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in Europe. I never injured a
fellow-creature; on the contrary, on several occasions, when injured myself, have
shown the most wonderful forbearance. I come of a tolerably good family; and
yet, born to wealth-of an inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I
had, and eager to get more, I have been going down hill ever since my journey of
life began, and have been pursued by a complication of misfortunes such as surely
never.happened to any man but the unhappy Bob Stubbs.
Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne the com-
mission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am now-but never
mind what I am now, for the public will know in a few pages more. My father
was of the Suffolk Stubbses-a well-to-do gentleman of Bungay. My grandfather
had been a respected attorney in that town, and left my papa a pretty little
fortune. I was thus the inheritor of competence, and ought to be at this moment
a gentleman.
My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my birth,
when my papa, a young'fellow pretending to study the law in London, fell madly
in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a tradesman, who did not give her a
sixpence, and afterwards became bankrupt. My papa married this Miss Smith
and carried her off to the country, where I was born, in an evil hour for me.
Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me as an
impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend after her marriage,
will pretty well show you what a poor foolish creature she was; and what a reck-
less extravagant fellow was my other unfortunate parent.

To Miss Eliza Hicks, in Gracechurch Street, London.
0 Eliza! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven! My Thomas is an
angel not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such as I always vowed I would
marry:-on the contrary, he is what the world would call dumpy, and I hesitate
not to confess that his eyes have a cast in them. But what then ? when one of
his eyes is fixed on me, and one on my babe, they are lighted up with an affection


which my pen cannot describe, and which, certainly, was never bestowed upon
any woman so strongly as upon your happy Susan Stubbs.
When lie comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you could see dear Thomas
with me and our dear little Bob as I sit on one knee, and baby on the other, and
as he dances us both about. I often wish that we had Sir Joshua, or some great
painter, to depict the group; for sure it is the prettiest picture in the whole world.
to see three such loving merry people.
Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that can possibly be,-the very image
of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the delight of everybody. Nurse says, that
when lie is older, lib will get rid of his squint, and his hair will get a great deal
less red. Doctor Bates is as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could desire.
Think what a blessing to have had him Ever since poor baby's birth, it has never
had a day of quiet; and he has been obliged to give it from three to four doses
every week;-how thankful ought we to be that the dear thing is as well as it is!
It got through the measles wonderfully ; then it had a little rash; and then a
nasty hooping cough; and then a fever, and continual pains in its poor little
stomach, crying, poor dear child, from morning till night.
But dear Tomis an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has lie had no
sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby. IIe walks up and down
with it for hours, singing a kind of song (dear fellow, he has no more voice than
a tea-kettle), and bobbing his head backwards and forwards, and looking, in his
night-cap and dressing-gown, so droll. Oh, Eliza how you would laugh to see him.
We have one of the best nursemaids in the world,-an Irishwoman, who is as
fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can never be). She takes it to walk in
the Park for hours together, and I really don't know why Thomas dislikes her. He
says she is tipsy very often, and slovenly, which I cannot conceive ;-to be sure,
the nurse is sadly dirty, and sometimes smells very strong of gin.
But what of that? These little drawbacks only mrke home more pleasant.
When one thinks how many mothers have no nursemaids; how many poor dear
children have no doctors: ought we not to be thankful for Mary Malowney, and
that Dr. Bates's bill is forty-seven pounds ? How ill must dear baby have been,
to require so much physic !
But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, El4za, how much
this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every week; a glass of brandy or
gin at dinner ; three pint bottles of Mr. Thrale's best porter every day,-making
twenty-one in a week; and nine hundred and ninety in tile eleven months she
has been with us. Then, for baby, there is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas,
two guineas for christening, twenty for a grand christening supper and ball (rich
Uncle John mortally offended because he was made godfather, and had to give baby a
silver cup: he has struck Thomas out of his will; and old Mr. Firkin quite as much
hurt because lie was not asked: he will not speak to me or John in consequence);
twenty guineas for flannels, laces,little gowns, caps. napkins, and such baby's ware:
and all this out of 300 a year But Thomas expects to make a great deal by
his farm.
We have got the most charming country-house you can imagine; it is quite shut
in by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty miles from London, the post
comes to us but once a week. The roads, it must be confessed, are execrable: it
is winter now, and we are up to our knees in mud and snow. But oh, Eliza! how
happy we are: with Thomas (he has had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear man !)
and little Bobby, and our kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so far to see us, I leave
you to fancy'that we have a charming merry party, and do not care for all the
gaieties of Ranelagh.
Adieu! ,dear baby is crying for his mamma: a thousand kisses from your

There it is. Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints of porter a
week; in this way my unnatural parents were already robbing me of my property.




1 in 10. Fleet Prisn. Fe be wary 9. 1838
i am sory to say, in anser to yure lofeingletter, that we are all like to want bred,
for i have gained my law sute quite sattisfactury, witch it greves me the more that
hou tell me the rufe of the cottige is tumbled in for the lawyers say it is now mine
for me and my hares for ever witch i fere you have all got wet skins, but it is a
comfurt i follered my sute, so you shall here the upshot of my downfal witch is
this-arter the big wig in the big hall had givd it against me my lawyers sed if i
had any money left i shud vindickit the law and stand up for my famley and my
rites so with no more ceremony sais he ile cary it afore the lords-so arter a long
time it cum to my turn afore all the parlyment howse-thinks i wen the nobs ears
it all the hares of there beds will stand on end; so i went to the great place were
all the lords, as i thote, was all awaiting for me, wen dash me if there was but too
fat old fellers aslepe-(i thote i shud see 2 dosin,) and the same judg as heard about
it afore-blest if i arnt done thinks i-so wen my countsillers got up and told it
agen he nodded his hed evry now and then, seemmily to say its all rite. for my
part i cudnt elp crien wen i herd ow ill ide been used: but weather becos he had a
bigger wig on than afore or becos he was aslepe like the others, he givd it all on
my side this time, so my lawyers sed i was a lucky feller and they wanted sum
more mony from me, but as i ad no more to give em they put me in this please its
called the Fleet tho its not a ship board tho they say its very much among the
knavey. But now ime in for it and can't get out unles i can melt the arts of the
lawyers, witch they say is very ard, xcept by the solvent act. won comfort heres
plenty of gude satiety, mostly jentilmen, and non so bad off as begars and balot
singers tho they seem in a state of universe sufferige. Dere Molly, if the wals is
tumbil'd down its no use to mind your rexpextabilaty, but think of leafing in the
spring for i fere it will be too hairy for the heds of the children witch they have
always been used to a thatch, and sel the stiks and send me the munny if its ever
so little its ofe yure mind, as i say to miself wen i lye awak a nites for i cant get no
slepe for thinking of yew and the piggs, witch i wish we wos all in the church-
yard for its very cold and ive no fire witch is grately dettrementil to my rest. ive
jist heard of a fine plase cauld the Swan, were i shal hop to get wen i cum out, were
there no law nor lawyers nor cottiges nor law-sutes nor no nothing but jist the
world afore us to do as we like, and if there's rume ile send for yew and the children
carter. so no moar your affeckshinate husband,
An Appeal Case. "The Master's Report." Who are you?"

Cold, without. A Tail of aChancery Suit. Iumi-nation.



I HAVE called this chapter cutting weather," partly in compliment to the month
of February, and partly in respect of my own misfortunes which you are going
to read about, for I have often thought that January (which is mostly twelfth cake
and holiday time) is like the first four or five years of a little boy's life; then
comes dismal February, and the working days with it, when chaps begin to look
out for themselves, after the Christmas and the New Year's hey-day and merry-
making are over, which our infancy may well be said to be. Well can I recollect
that bitter first of February, when I first launched out into the world and ap-
peared at Dr. Swishtail's academy.
I began at school that life of prudence and economy, which I have carried on
ever since. My mother gave me eighteen-pence on setting out (poor soul! I
thought her heart would break as she kissed me, and bade God bless me); and be-
sides, I had a small capital of my own, which I had amassed for a year previous.
I'll tell you what I used to do. Wherever I saw six half-pence I took one. If it
was asked for, I said I had taken it, and gave it back;-if it was not missed, I
said nothing about it, as why should I ?-those who don't miss their money don't
lose their money. So I had a little private fortune of three shillings, besides
mother's eighteen-pence. At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had
such lots of it.
Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better himself: and
I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels: I never was very high in the
class or very low; but there was no chap so much respected: and why ? l'd always
money. The other boys spent all their's in the first day or two, and they gave me
plenty of cakes and barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to spend my
own money, for they would insist upon treating me. Well, in a week, when their's
was gone, and they had but their theeepence a week to look to for the rest of the
half-year, what did I do? Why, I am proud to say that three-halfpence out of
the threepence a week of almost all the young gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came
into my pocket. Suppose, for instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of gingerbread,
who had the money ? Little Bob Stubbs to be sure. "Hicks," I used to say,
"1l buy you three-halfp'orth of gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next
Saturday:" and he agreed, and next Saturday came, and he very often could not
pay me more than three-halfpence, then there was the threepence I was to have the
next Saturday. I'll tell you what I did for a whole half-year:-I lent a chap by
the name of Dick Bunting three-halfpence the first Saturday, for threepence the
next; he could not pay me more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I
did not make him pay me three-halfpence for three and twenty weeks run-
ning, making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad dishonour-
able fellow, Dick Bunting; for, after I'd been so kind to him, and let him off for
three-and-twenty weeks the money he owed me, holidays came, and threepence he
owed me still. Well, according to the common principles of practice, after six
weeks' holidays, he ought to have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which was my
due. For the
First week the 3d. would be 6d. Fourth week ....... 4s,
Second week . ... s. Fifth week ...... 8s.
Third week . 2s. Sixth week . 16s.
Nothing could be more just; and yet, will it be believed ? when Bunting came
back, he offered me three-halfpence / the mean, dishonest scoundrel !
However, I was even with him, I can tell you.-He spent all his money in a
fortnight, and then I screwed him down I made him, besides giving me apenny
for a penny, pay me a quarterof his bread and butter at breakfast, and a quarter of
his cheese at supper; and before the half-year was out, I got from him a silver
fruit-knife, a box of compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced waistcoat, in which.I
went home as proud as a king: and, what's more, I had no less than three golden
guineas in the pocket of it, besides fifteen shillings, the knife, and a brass bottle-
screw, which I got from another chap. It wasn't bad interest for twelve shillings,
which was all the money I'd had in the year, was it? Heigh ho .I've often wished
that I could get such chance again in this wicked world; but men are more avari-
cious now than they used to be in those early days.



Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and when I gave
the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it as a token of my affection for
him, my dear mother burst into such a fit of tears as I never saw, and kissed and
hugged me fit to smother me. Bless him, bless him," says she, to think of his
old father And where did you purchase it, Bob ? '-" Why, mother," says I, I
purchased it out of my savings" (which was as true as the gospel).-When I said
this, mother looked round to father, smiling, although she had tears in her eyes,
and she took his hand, and with her other hand drew me to her. Is he not a
noble boy ?" says she to my father: and only nine years old !" Faith!" says
my father, he is a good lad, Susan. Thank thee, my boy: and here is a crown
piece in return for thy bottle-screw;-it shall open us a bottle of the very best, too,"
says my father; and he kept his word. I always was fond of good wine (though
never, from a motive of proper self-denial, havingany in my cellar); and, by Jupiter I
on this night I had my little skin full,-for there was no stinting-so pleased were
my dear parents with the bottle-screw.-The best of it was, it only cost me three-
pence originally, which a chap could not pay me.
Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous towards my pa-
rents: and a capital way it is to encourage liberality in children. I gave mamma
a very neat brass thimble, and she gave me a half-guinea piece. Then I gave her
a very pretty needle-book, which I made myself with an ace of spades from a new
pack of cards we had, and I got Sally, our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink satin
her mistress had. given her; and I made the leaves of the book, which I vandyked
very nicely, out of a piece of flannel I had had round my neck for a sore throat. It
smelt a little of hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book, and mamma was so
delighted with it, that she went into town, and bought me a gold-laced hat. Then
I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper; but I am sorry to say of my dear
father that he was not so generous as my mamma or myself, for he only burst out
laughing, and did not give me so much as a half-crown piece, which was the least
I expected from him "I shan't give you anything, Bob, this time," says he; "and
I wish, my boy, you would not make any more such presents,-for, really, they are
too expensive." Expensive, indeed! I hate meanness,-even in a father.
I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave me. Mamma
asked me about it, and I told her the truth,-that it was a present from one of the
boys for my kindness to him. Well, what does she do but writes back to Dr. Swish-
tail, when I went to school, thanking him for his attention to her dear son, and
sending a shilling to the good and grateful littleboywho had givenme the waistcoat!
What waistcoat is it ?" said'the Doctor to me, and who gave it you ?"
Bunting gave it me, sir," says I.
"Call Bunting:" and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you believe it ?
he burst into tears,-told that the waistcoat had been given him by his mother, and
that he had been forced to give it for a debt to Copper Merchant, as the nasty little
blackguard called me. He then said, how, for three-halfpence, he had been com-
pelled to pay me three shillings (the sneak! as if he had been obliged to borrow
the three-halfpence !)-how all the other boys had been swindled (swindled!) by
me in like manner,-and how, with only twelve shillings, I had managed to scrape
together four guineas. *
My courage almost fails as I describe the shameful scene that followed. The
boys were called in, my own little account-book was dragged out of my cupboard, to
prove how much I had received from each, and every farthing of my money was
paid back to them. The tyrant took the thirty shillings that my deaf parents had
given me, and said that he should put them into the poor-box at church; and, after
having made a long discourse to the boys about meanness and usury, he said, Take
off your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his waistcoat." I did, and stood
without coat and waistcoat in the midst of the nasty, grinning boys. I was going
to put on my coat,-
"Stop," says he, "TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!"
Ruthless, brutal villain! Sam Hopkins. the biggest boy, took them down-
horsed me-and I was flogged, sir; yes, flogged! Oh, revenge I, Robert Stubbs,
who had done nothing but what was right, was brutally flogged at ten years of age i
-Though February was the shortest month, I remembered it long.



SOME people brave the whelming wave,
A broiling sun, or a frozen life ;
Of cutting care I get my share,
The horror of The Carving Knife.
I wish I was a foreigner,
A Hottentot, or a heathen Turk,
Or in a poor-law union, where
They never want a knife and fork.
Before a joint, unhinged, I stand,
When called on for a favorite bit,
And surely as I try my hand,
So sure I put my foot in it.
Folks say I'm not a useful man ;
Yet, anxious to be serviceable,
And do them all the good I can,
They learn, with me, to wait at table.
Patient as martyr at a stake,
I bear the baitings of relations,
Who give no quarter, while they make
O'er mangled lamb their lamentations.
I'm very slow about a brisket;
Bacon's a bore-at duck I quake;
To cut a pheasant's far from pleasant,
And e'en a jelly makes me shake.
From leg I'd rather run away;
Vain flight of fancy is a wing;
A merry thought, I sadly say,
To me is a forbidden thing.
But cut I will, and that full soon,
For some fair land where freedom lingers,
Where I can feed me with a spoon,
Or, like a Frenchman, use my fingers.

25. Equi-noctial Gales now about.

Pray, sir, did you mean that blow in jest ?
No, indeed, sir, I never was more in earnest
Oh I'm very glad of it, for I never put up with a joke.

your purse
when you
at the

n 1n ?l

Or so much
the worse

8 SrD &

for your


For some
there live
choly !-
who feed

S = 9 *

and tflhivo
by oLhers'





WIIEN my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was forbringing
an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing his eyes out (when, dear
soul! she would not have torn the eyes out of a flea, hadit been her own injury),
and, at the very least, for having me removed from the school whore I had been
so shamefully treated. But papa was stern for once, and vowed that I had been
served quite right, declared that I should not be removed from the school; and
sent old Swishtail a brace of pheasants for what he called his kindness to me.
Of these the old gentleman invited me to partake, and made a very queer speech
at dinner, as he was cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and
his own determination to be kinder still to me, if ever I ventured on such prac-
tices again; so I was obliged to give up my old trade of lending, for the doctor
declared that any boy who borrowed should be flogged, and any one who paid
should be flogged twice as much. There was no, standing against such a pro-
hibition as this, and my little commerce was ruined.
I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get further than
that dreadful Propria que.mariius in the Latin grammar, of which, though I
have it by heart even now, I never could understand a syllable-but, on account
of my size, my age, and the prayers of my mother, was allowed to have the
privilege of the bigger boys, and on holidays to walk about in the town; great
dandies we were, too, when we thus went out. I recollect my costume very
well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a white waistcoat, embroidered neatly at
the pockets, a lace frill, a pair of knee-breeches, and elegant white cotton or
silk stockings. This did very well, but still I was dissatisfied, I wanted a pair
of boots. Three boys in the school had boots-I was mad to have them too.
There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in our town in those
days, who afterwards made his fortune in London; I determined to have the
boots from him, and did not despair, before the end of a year or two, either to
leave the school, when I should not mind his dunning me, oi to screw the money
from mamma, and so pay him.
So I called upon this man, Stiffelkind was his name, and he took my measure
for a pair.
"You are a vary young gentleman to wear dop boots," said the shoemaker.
I suppose, fellow," says I, that is my business and not yours ; either make
the boots or not-but when you speak to a man of my rank, speak respectfully;"
and I poured out a number of oaths, in order to impress him with a notion of
my respectability..
They had the desired effect.-' Stay, sir," says he, "I have a nice littel pair
of dop boots dat I tink will jost do for you," and he produced, sure enough, the
most elegant things I ever saw. Day were made," said he, "for de Honourable
Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, but were too small."
Ah, indeed I" said I, Stiffney is a relation of mine: and what, you scoun-
drel, will you have the impudence to ask for these things ?" He replied, Three
"Well," said I, "they are confoundedly dear, but as you will have a long
time to wait for your money, why I shall have my revenge, you see." The
man looked alarmed, and began a speech: Sare, I cannot let dem go vidout;"
-but a bright thought struck me, and I interrupted-" Sir don't sir me-take
off the boots, fellow, and, hark ye! when you speak to a nobleman, don't say
"A hundert thousand pardons, my lort," says he: "if I had known you were
a lort, I vood never have called you, Sir. Vat name shall I put down in my
books ?"
"Name?-oh why-LonD CoinWALLIs, to be sure," said I, as 1 walked off
in the boots.
"And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes ?" Keep them until I send for
them," said I; and, giving him a patronizing bow, I walked out of -the shop, as
the German tied up my shoes in a paper. *
This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned upon these


accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a peacock, and easily
succeeded in satisfying the boys as to'the manner in which I came by my new
Well, one fatal Monday morning, the blackest of all black-Mondays that ever
i knew-as we were all of us playing between school-hours-I saw a posse of
boys round a stranger, who seemed to be looking out for one of us-a sudden
trembling seized me-I knew it was Stiffelkind: what had brought him here ?
He talked loud, and seemed angry-so I rushed into the school-room, and,
burying my head between my hands, began reading for the dear life.
"I vant Lort Cornvallis," said the horrid bootmaker. "His lortship be-
longs, 1 know, to dis honourable school, for I saw him vid de boys at church,
"Lord who ?"
"Vy, Lort Cornvallis, to be sure-a very fat young nobleman, vid red hair, he
squints a little, and svears dreadfully."
"There's no Lord Cornvallis here," said one-and there was a pause.
"Stop! Ihave it!" says that odious Bunting. "It must be Stubbs;" and
SStubbs! Stubbs!" every one cried out, while I was so busy at my book as
not to hear a word.
At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the school-room, and seizing
each an arm, run me into the play-ground-bolt up-against the shoemaker.
Dis is my man-I beg your lortship's pardon," says he, I have brought
your lortship's shoes, vich you left-see, dey have been in dis parcel ever
since you vent avay in my boots."
Shoes, fellow !" says I, "I never saw your face before;" for I knew there
was nothing for it but brazening it out. Upon the honour of a gentleman,"
said I, turnin ground to the boys-they hesitated; and if the trick had turned
in my favour, fifty of them would have seized hold of Stiffelkind, and drubbed
him soundly.
"Stop!" says Bunting (hang him!), "let's see the shoes-if they fit him,
why, then, the cobbler's right." They did fit me, and not only that, but the
name of STUBBS was written in them at full length.
"Vat?" said Stiffelkind, is he not a lort ? so help me himmel, I never did
once tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying, ever since, in dis
piece of brown paper ;" and then gathering anger as he went on, thundered out
so much of his abuse of me, in his German-English, that the boys roared with
laughter. Swishtail came in in the midst of the disturbance, and asked what
the noise meant.
It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir," said the boys, "battling with his shoemaker,
about the price of a pair of top-boots."
sir said I, "it was only in fun that I called myself Lord Cornwallis."
"In fun Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill." My
beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. "Lord Corn-
wallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots-four guineas."
You have been fool enough, sir," says the doctor, looking very stern, to
let this boy impose upon you as a lord; and knave enough to charge him double
the value of the article you sold him, Take back the boots, sir, I wont pay a
penny of your bill; nor can youget a penny. As for you, sir, you miserable
swindler and cheat, I shall not flog you as I did before, but I shall send you
home : you are not fit to be the companion of honest boys."
"Suppose we duck him before he goes," piped out a very small voice. The
doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the boys knew by
this they might have their will. They seized me, and carried me to the play-
ground pump-they pumped upon me until I was half dead, and the monster,
Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the half-hour the operation lasted.
I suppose the doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, for he rung
the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me; as I got out of the
trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. "Vell, my lort," says he, "you have
paid something for dese boots, but not all by Jubider you shall never hear de
end of dem." And I didn't.

( i j


~~lill ~i




FIRST DAY OF TERM.-Effects before Causes.

15. Judges breakfast with the Lord Chancellor.
GoOD judges in the law are they
Of Sherry, Claret, and Tokay,
And when their lordships deign to joke,
And banish Lyttleton and Coke,
They order that the best old Port
Shall henceforth be a rule of court;
That care shall be the fate of asses,
Their only circuits be of glasses;
THIS FRONT And vow, 'midst clattering peals and thumpers,
TO BE To charge no juries save in bumpers.
SOL D. So happy on such TERMS as these,
They seem a court of common please,
And wish, the toils of life to soften,
That such RETruNS would come more often.

6.. Old Lady Day.
A learned saw does sagely say, that ancient dames should have their day,
And calendars, 'tis very clear, provide it always once a-year;
Thus, dearing, sneering, canting, kind, the kiss before, the bite behind,
Fair fames, foul names, and Hyson Tea, all go to pot right merriTie.
Come, now, I propose we try a rubber.-I'm shocked to hear it, I hope he'll
drub her; these matches seem such infant's play;-Why, they're rather
childish, but it wont do to throw a chance away,-And therefore you lose
the trick, my dear: She'd give 'em the game if I'd let her.-Oh! I'm quite
shock'd.-Don't mention it, ma'am, I suppose you know no better.-But as to
Melboure, people say, he's now grown quite a fixture.-Well, that may be;
there are some shams, but it's genuine Howqua's Mixture.-Oh! I've disco-
ver'd a thing so strange, I could set you all by the ears if I chose it; but I
greatly mind your peace of mind, so I never, never, never will disclose it.-
Ah what can it be, whisper to me, or I never shall live to leave the place.-
Then I fear it's your lot to die on the spot, but, as a very great secret, these
are the facts of the case:- *k *- *



AFTER this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, and lived for
some time along with pa and mamma at home. My education was finished, at
least mamma and I agreed that it was: and from boyhood until hobbadyhoyhood
(which I take to be about the sixteenth year of the life of a young man, and may
be likened to the month of April when spring begins to bloom), from fourteen until
seventeen, I say, I remained at home, doing nothing, for which I ever since have
had a great taste, the idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with
father, and used regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to findme in pocket-
money. Poor soul! many and many is theguinea I have had from her in that way;
and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure.
Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put to some pro-
fession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a gentleman, and not a
tradesman, and the army was the only place for me. Everybody was a soldier
in those times, for the French war had just begun, and the whole country was
swarming with militia regiments. "1 We'll get him a commission in a marching
regiment," said my father; as we have no money to purchase him up, he'll fight
his way, I make no doubt;" and papa looked at me, with a kind of air of contempt,
as much as to say he doubted whether I should be very eager for such a dangerous
way of bettering myself.
I wish you could have heard mamma's screech, when he talked so coolly of my
going out to fight. What, send him abroad across the horrid, horrid sea-to be
wrecked and, perhaps, drowned, and only to land for the purpose of fighting the
wicked Frenchmen,-to be wounded, and perhaps kick-kick-killed! Oh,
Thomas, Thomas would you murder me and your boy ?" There was a regular
scene;-however it ended, as.it always did, in mother's getting the better, and it
was settled that I should go into the militia. And why not ? the uniform is just as
handsome, and the danger not half so great. I don't think in the course of my
whole military experience I ever fought anything, except an old woman, who had
th impudence to hallo out, Heads up, lobster !"-- ell, Ijoined tie North Bungays
and was fairly launched into the world.
I was not a handsome man, I know ; but there was something about me-that's
very evident-for the girls always laughed when they talked to me, and the men,
though they affected to call me a poor little creature, squint-eyes, knock-knees, red-
head, and so on, were evidently annoyed by my success, for they hated me so con-
foundedly. Even at the present time they go on, though I have given up galli-
vanting, as I call it. But inthe April of my existence-that is, in Anno Domini
1791, or so-it was a different case; and having-nothing else to do, and being
bent upon bettering my condition, I did some very pretty things in that way.
But I was not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows.-Don't fancy I
looked for beauty Pish !-I wasn't such a fool. Nor for temper; I don't care
about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart in two years. What I
wanted was to get on in the world. Ofcourse, I didn't prefer an ugly woman, or a
shrew; and, when the choice offered, would certainly put up with a handsome,
good-humodred girl, with plenty of money, as any honest man would.
Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen Crutty, with
twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as plain a girl as ever I saw), and
Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, plump, smiling, peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-
skinned lass, with only ten. Mary Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who
had helped me into the world, and who was trusted with this little orphan charge
very soon after. My mother, as you have heard, was so fond of Bates, and Bates
so fond of little Mary, that both, at first, were almost always in our house: and I
used to call her my little wife, as soon as I could speak, and before she could
walk, almost. It was beautiful to see us, the neighbours said.
Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be captain, and
actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was about ten years old, and
promised her five thousand more, there was a great talking, and bobbing, and
smiling, between the Doctor and my parents, and Mary and I were left together
more than ever, and she was told to call me her little husband: and she did, and it
was considered a settled thing from that day. She was really amazingly fond of me.


Can any one call me mercenary after that ? Though Miss Crutty had twelve
thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the bush). I stuck faith-
fully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss Crutty hated Miss Waters. The fact
was, Mary had all the country dangling after her, and not a soul would come to
Magdalen, for all her 12,000. I used to be attentive to her, though (as it's
always useful to be); and Mary would sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at my
flirting with Magdalen. This I thought proper very quickly to check. Mary,"
said I, you know that my love for you is disinterested,-for I am faithful to you,
though Miss Crutty is richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay
her attentions,when you know that myheart and my promise are engaged to you."
The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing like the having two
strings to your bow. Who knows ?" thought I, Mary may die; and then where
are my 10,000 ?" So I used to be very kind indeed to Miss Crutty; and well it
was that I was so: for when I was twenty, and Mary eighteen. I'm blest if news
did not arrive that Captain Waters, who was coming home to England with all his
money in rupees, had been takeh-ship, rupees, self and all-by a French pri-
vateer; and Mary, instead of 10,000, had only 5000, making a difference of no
less than 350 per annum betwixt her and Miss Crutty.
I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles, Colonel
Craw commanding) when this news reached me ; and you may fancy how a young
man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having uniforms and whatnot to pay
for, and a figure to cut in the world, felt at hearing such news! My dearest
Robert," wrote Miss Waters, will deplore my dear brother's loss: but not, I am
sure, the money which that kind and generous soul had promised me. I have still
five thousand pounds, and with this and your own little fortune (I had 1000 in the
five per cents. !) we shall be as happy and contented as possible."
Happy and contented, indeed Didn't I know how my father got on with his
300 a-year, and how it was all he could do out of it to add a hundred a-year to
my narrow income, and live himself! iMymindwas made up-I instantly mounted
the coach, and flew to our village,-to Mr. Crutty's, of course. It was next door
to Doctor Bates's; but I had no business there.
I found Magdalen in the garden. Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!" said she, as in my
new uniform I appeared before her, "I really did never-such a handsome officer-
expect to see you;" and she made as if she would blush, and began to tremble
violently. I led her to a garden seat. I seized her hand-it was not withdrawn.
I pressed it;-I thought the pressure was returned. I flung myself on my knees,
and then I poured into her car a little speech which I had made on the top of tlhe
coach. Divine Miss Crutty," said I; idol of my soul! It was but to catch one
glimpse of you that I passed through this garden. I never intended to breathe the
secret passion (oh, no! of course not) which was wearing my life away. You
know my unfortunate pre-engagement,-it is broken, and for ever! I am free!-
free, but to be your slave,-your humblest, fondest, truest slave:" and so on. *
O, Mr. Stubbs," said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, "I can't refuse
you; but I fear you are a sad, naughty man." *
Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear creature's con-
fusion, we were both silent for a while, and should have remained so for hours,
perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, had I not been suddenly roused by a voice
exclaiming from behind us,
Don't cry, .aary: he is a swbidling, .sneaking scoundrel, and you are well rid
of him 1"
I turned round! 0, Heaven there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor Bates's arm,
while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with the utmost scorn. The
gardener who had let me in had told them of my arrival, and now stood grinning
behind them. Imperence !" was my Magdalen's only exclamation, as she flounced
by with the utmost self-possession, while I, glancing daggers at the spies, followed
her. We retired to the parlour, where she repeated to me the strongest assurances
of her love.
I thought I was a made man. Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL!

174 MAY. [1839.

THAT very merry pleasant month of May
Is made for Music, as the poets say; State of the
Whether in shady groves we seek retreat,
Or view the Concert bills in Regent-street, WTeather.
'Twould seem as though the world was gone a-singing-
Green bowers and Opera boxes all are rinngg --
With strains of melody that pour upon us, H
From thrushes, nightingales, and prima Donnas. tocus Pocus
The little birds sing trees in each nook, look fo
And turn over the leaves for want of book; or
While operas, scored for twenty kettle-drums RAIN.
By Costa, sent to pot our tympanums.
But what harmonious armies now besiege
The ears and pockets of each simple liege:
Jew German minstrels, in Whitechapel born,
Brazen performers on a brazen horn,
And he who, having nothing to put in
His empty mouth, plays tunes upon his chin. Hoaxem
Forsaking soap, my washerwoman's daughters
Practise soprano, "o'er the dark blue waters," Folksem
On drying days supreme their glory shines,
And soars aloft, to C above the lines. FINE
But far and wide they solo, catch, and glee 'em
At EAGLE, CONrUIT, STINGO, Call-an-ssum, again !
Where unknown throngs from unknown regions go,
For gin, tobacco, and "The Chough and Crow,"
And MELODISTS', where shopmen, quite sublime,
In counter-tenor murder tune and time,
And while for pleasure, perhaps, abroad they roam,
A little concert waits for them. at home. Would you
know the
r "A small 'WET from
Music Part ." I y
I/"1Buy, Buy, Buye."

I hate all amateurs who play the flute- It's like to
All sulky singing ladies who sit mute-
I hate a piece, made up of variations CHANGE when
On tiresome ditties borrow'd from all nations; cas do cry.
I hate, although I love a cheerful song, cas
To be obliged to listen all night long.


=~ r-~-=

1839.] 75
As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers, to be
devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may as well take
advantage of that season and acquaint you with the result of my amou rs.
Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign, I had completely won the heart of
my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle the Doctor, there
was a complete split between us, as you may fancy; Miss, pretending, for-
sootb, that she was glad I had broken off the match, though she would have
given her eyes, the little minx, to have had it on.again. But this was out of
the question. My father, who had all sorts of queer notions, said I had acted
like a rascal in the business; my mother took my part, in course, and declared
I acted rightly, as I always did: and I got leave of absence from the regiment
in order to press my beloved Magdalen to marry me out of hand-knowing,
from reading and experience, the extraordinary mutability of human affairs.
Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, and as bad
in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that the grim king of
terrors might not carry her off before she became mine ? With the tenderest
warmth, then, and most delicate ardour, I continued to press my suit. The
happy day was fixed-the ever-memorable 10th of May, 1792; the wedding
clothes were ordered; and, to make things secure, I penned a little paragraph
for the county paper to this effect:-" Marriage in High Life. We understand
that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, and son of Thomas Stubbs,.
of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead to the hymeneal altar the lovely
and accomplished daughter of Solomon Crutty, Esquire, of the same place. A
fortune of twenty thousand pounds is, we hear, the lady's portion. 'None but
the brave deserve the fair.'" *
Have you informed your relatives, my beloved," said I to Magdalen one
day after sending the above notice; will any of them attend at your marriage ?"
"Uncle Sam will, I daresay," said Miss Crutty, "dear mamma's brother."
"And who was your dear mamma?" said I, for Miss Crutty's respected
parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name mentioned in
the family.
Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground. Mamma was a
foreigner," at last she said.
"And of what country ?"
"A German; papa married her when she was very young:-she was not of
a very good family," said Miss. Orutty, hesitating.
"And what care I for family, my love," said 1, tenderly kissing the knuckles
of the hand which I held; "she must have been an angel who gave birth to
"She was a shoemaker's daughter."
A German shoemaker I hang 'em, thought I, I have had enough of them, and
so I broke up this conversation, which did not somehow please me. *
Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns were
read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a washing-tub: and
I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in possession of twelve
thousand pounds in the fire per cents., as they were in those days, Heaven bless
'em! Little did I know the storm that was brewing, and the disappointment
which was to fall upon a young man who really did his best to get a fortune.
"0 Robert!" said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was to
come off, "I have such a kind letter from uncle Sam, in London. I wrote to
him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to-morrow; that he has
heard of you often, and knows your character very well, and that he has got a
very handsome present for us! What can it be, I wonder?"
Is he rich, my soul's adored?" says I.
"He is a bachelor with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money to."
"His present can't be less than a thousand pounds," says I.
Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner dishes," says she.
But we could not agree to this: it was too little-too mean for a man of her
uncle's wealth: and we both determined it must be the thousand pounds.


"Dear, good uncle! he's to be here by the coach," says Magdalen. "Let us
ask a little parry to meet him." And so we did, and so they came. My father
and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and the parson who was to marry us next
day. The coachwas to come in at six. And there was the ted-table, and there
was the punch-bowl, and everybody ready and smiling to receive our dear uncle
from London.
Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the Green Dragon with a
portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, of whom I just caught a
glimpse-a venerable old gentleman-I thought I'd seen him before. *
Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping at the pas-
sage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and talking, and How
are y/u?" and so on, was heard at the door; and then the parlour-door was
flung open, and Crutty cried out with a loud voice-
"Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!"
Mr. Stiffeilind!-I trembled as I heard the name I
Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsey, and papa made him a
bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it most warmly
-then came my turn!
"Vat," says he, "it is my dear goot young friend from Doctor Schvis'hen-
tail's! is dis the yong gentleman's honourable moder" (mamma smiled and made
a curtsey), "and dis his fader! Sare and madam, you should be broud of soch a
sonn.. And you, my niece, if you have him for a husband you vil be locky, dat
is all. Vat dink you, broder Crotty, and Madame Stobbs, I ave made your sonn's
boots, ha! ha!"
My mamma laughed, and said, "I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, he has
as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county."
Old Stiffelkind roared louder. "A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very sheap
boot too! Vat, you did not know I make his boots! Perhaps you did not know
something else too-p'rhaps you did not know" (and here the monster clapped his
hand on the table, and made the punch-ladle tremble in the bowl), perhapss you
did not know as dat young man, dat Stobbs, dat sneaking, baltry, squinting fel-
low, is as vicked as he is ogly. He bot a pair of boots from me and never paid
for dem. Dat is noting, nobody never pays; but he bought a pair of boots, and
called himself Lord Cornvallis. And I was fool enough to believe him vonce.
But look you, niece Magdalen, I ave got five thousand pounds, if you marry him
I vil not give you a benny; but look you, what I will gif you, I promised you
a present, and I vil give you DEsE!"
And the old monster produced THOSE TERY BOOTS which Swishtail had made
him take back. *
I didn't marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was a nasty,
ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever since.
And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky paragraph in
the county paper-I'll tell you how.
SIn the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked, profligate,
unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to be very facetious about
the Marriage in High Life," and made all sorts of jokes about me and my dear
Miss Crutty.
Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, Bunting,
who.had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance by my adventure with
him, and had his shoes made regularly by that foreign upstart.
Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this particular period,
and as he was measured by the disgusting old High-Dutch Cobbler, he told him
his old friend Stubbs was going to be married.
"And to whom?" said old Stiffelkind, "to a voman wit gelt, I vl take my oath."
"Yes," says Bunting, "a country girl-a Miss Magdalen Carotty or Crotty,
a place called Sloffemsquiggle."
"'Schlofemschwiegel!" bursts out the dreadful bootmaker, "Mein Gott, mein Gott!
das geht nicht-I tell you, sare, it is no go. Miss Crotty is my niece. Ivill go
down myself. I vill never let her marry dat goot-for-noting schwindler and
teif." Such was the language that the scoundrel ventured to use regarding me!





D --

..i- -

;4i~'i .r
4 .~yi)

1839.J J

-P3 rty,%,Atr ow. I

OG40 e! 0, 7 7--


E. 177


Wfis( flt/l l\ di Sh a r r W 'ion'--..,-' iimimssj-.--'
HOW TO SCREW AN AUTHOR.-Dr. Slop's Complaint.

20. Mr. Serjt" Talfourd withdrew his Copyright Bill, 1838.
O Lonigman, Longman, Orme, Brown, Green, and Co. Words are
And other dons of Paternoster Row !
O enemies of authors here below, Windv
From those who're great to those who are but so--
Against you, Slop indignant does complain,
Clanks in your face his literary chain;
Stop, tyrants! who, for your peculiar gain,
S By day and night the contents of his brain
He sows the seed, you gather in the crops;
You sack the till, and he supplies your shops;
You quaff champagne, while meanest malt and hops all
Do scarcely once a fortnight enter Slop's ]inow it.
chops. know it.
So wickedly does fortune treat our crew;
So partially she deals betwixt us two;
Nothing can miserable authors do
DBut squeeze and squeeze, while pitilessly you
Until you squeeze the hapless carcass dry.scr
For such great wrongs is there no remedy ?
O, callous House of Commons! tell us why .Driving a Bargain!
You pass poor authors' wrongs so careless-ly
Be these the terms for literary men: Never think
First pay us authors, let booksellers then
Feed aftei us who wield the godlike pen.
O what shall I. O. U, learned ION, when, to please
Thy happy bill, by law shall here prevail, a Poet.
Leaving to me (and to my sons in tail),
Of all my works the profit of the sale:
As for the publishers-why, rat it, they'll


WAS there ever such confounded ill-luck ? My whole life has been a tissue of ill-
luck: although I have laboured, perhaps, harder than any man to make a fortune,
something always tumbled it down. In love and in war I was not like others. In
my marriages, I had an eye to the main chance; and you see how some unlucky
blow would come and throw them over. In the army I was just as prudent, and
just as unfortunate. What with judicious betting, and horse-swapping, good luck
at billiards, and economy, I do believe I put by my pay every year,-and that is
what few can say who have but an allowance of a hundred a-year.
I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men; I chose their
horses for them, and their wine; and showed them how to play billiards, or aeartd,
of long mornings, when there was nothing better to do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather
die than cheat; but if fellows will play, I wasn't the man to say no-why should
I? There was one young chap in our regiment of whom I really think I cleared
3001. a-year.
His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a gentleman.
A poor, weak yohng creature; easy to be made tipsy: easy to be cheated;- and
easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for him that I found him; for if anybody
else had, they would have plucked him of every shilling.
Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, and chose
his champagne: and did everything, in fact, that a superior mind does for an
inferior-when the inferior has got the money. We were inseparables-hunting
everywhere in couples. We even managed to fall in love with two sisters, as young
soldiers will do, you know; for the dogs fall in love with every change 6f quarters.
Well: once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had chopped poor
Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as ever wore sword by side, had
cast our eyes upon two young ladies, by the name of Brisket, daughters of a butcher
in the town where we were quartered. The dear girls fell in love with us, of
course. And many a pleasant walk in the country; many a treat to a'tea-garden;
many a smart riband and brooch, used Dobble and I (for his father allowed him
6001., and our purses were in common) to present to these young ladies. One day,
fancy our pleasure at receiving a note couched thus:-
"Deer Capting Stubbs and Dobble-Miss Briskets presents their compliments,
and as it is probable that our papa will be till 12 at the corprayshun dinner, we
request the pleasure of their company to tea."
Didn't we go I Punctually at six we were in the little back parlour; we quaffed
more Bohea, and made more love, than half-a-dozen ordinary men could. At nine,
a little punch-bowl succeeded to the little tea-pot; and, bless the girls!, a nice
fresh steak was frizzling on the gridiron for our supper. Butchers were butchers
then, and their parlour was their kitchen, too; at least old Brisket's was.-One
door leading into the shop, and one into the yard, on the other side of which was
the slaughter-house.
Fancy, then, bur horror when, just at this critical time, we heard the shop door
open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a loud husky voice from the shop,
shouting, "Hallo, Susan! hallo, Betsy! show a light!" Dobble turned as white
as a sheet; the two girls each as red as a lobster; I alone preserved my presence
of mind. "The back door," says I.-"The dog's in the court," says they. "He's
not so bad as the man," says I. Stop," cries Susan, flinging open the door, and
rushing to the fire: take this, and perhaps it will quiet him."
What do you think tis" was ? I'm blest if it was not the steak!
She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a minute.
The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter-house, where there hung
a couple of white, ghastly-looking carcasses of a couple of sheep; a great gutter
ran down the court-a gutter of blood!-the dog was devouring his beefsteak (our
beefsteak) in silence,-and we could see through the little window the girls bustling
about to pack up the supper-things, and presently the shop door opened, old Brisket
entered, staggering, angry, and drunk. What's more, we could see, perched on a
high-stool, and nodding politely, as if to salute old Brisket, the father of Dobble's


cocked hat! When Dobble saw it he turned white, and deadly sick; andthe poor
fellow, in an agony of fright, sunk shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting
blocks which was in the yard.
We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the confounded
impudent, pert waggling feather; and then an idea began to dawn upon his mind,
that there was a head to the hat; and then be slowly rose up-he was a man of
six feet, and fifteen stone-he rose up, put on his apron and sleeves, and took down
his cleaver.
"Betsy," says he, open the yard door." But the poor girls screamed, and flung
on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did their very best to prevent him.
"OPEN THE YARD DOOR," says he, with a thundering loud voice; and the
great bull-dog, hearing it, started up, and uttered a yell which sent me flying to
the other end of the court--Dobble couldn't move; he was sitting on the block,
blubbering like a baby.
The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came.
"To him, Jowler," says he, "keep him, Jowler,"'-and the horrid dog flew at me,
and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, determining to sell my life
That's it," says Brisket, "keep him there,-good dog,-good dog! And now,
sir,'",says he, turning to Dobble, "is this your hat?"
Yes," says Dobble, fit to choke with fright.
"Well, then,' says Brisket, "it's my--(hick)-my painful duty to-(hick--to
tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your head;-it's painful, but it
must be done. You'd better-(hick)-settle yourself com-comfumarably against
that-(hick)-that block, and I'll chop it off before you can say Jack-(hick)-no,
I mean Jack Robinson."
Dobble went down on his knees, and shrieked out, "I'm an only son, Mr.
Brisket! I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honour, sir.-Consider my mother,
sir; consider my mother."
That's it, sir," says Brisket-" that's a good boy--(hick)-a good boy; just put
your head down quietly-and I'll have it off-yes, off-as if you were Louis the
Six-the Sixtix-the Sixtickleteenth.-I'll chop the other chap afterwards."
When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry as any
man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, thinking I was going
to escape, flew at my throat; screaming furious, I flung out my arms in a kind of
desperation,-and, to my wonder, down fell the dog, dead, and run through the
At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket-one of his
daughters had had the sense to summon them-and Dobble's head was saved.
And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, my ghastly look, my bloody
sword, they gave me no small credit for my bravery. A terrible fellow, that
Stubbs,'' said they; and so the mess said, the next day.
I didn't tell them that the dog had committed suicide-why should I? And I
didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he was a brave fellow, and
fought like a tiger; and this prevented him from telling tales. I had the dog-skin
made into a pair of pistol-holsters, and looked so fierce, and got such a name for .
courage in our regiment, that when we had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs.was
always the man put forward to support the honour of the corps. The women, you
know, adore courage; and such was my reputation at this time, that I might have
had my pick out of.half-a-dozen, with three, four, or five thousand pounds a-piece,
who were dying for love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I had
been twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and I vowed by all
the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon this, as an infallible
maxim to guide you through life-It's as easy to get a rick wife as a poor one;-the
same bait that will hook a fly will hook a salmon.

1. New registration of births commenced, 1837.

T "Now, Sir, the father's name-this column-so-
THE FORECE OF HABI. 3 There: very well-what is it ?"- r I


AT the annual July meeting of this renowned establishment, petitions were
presented from the animals of the menagerie, respecting their grievances: the
following were the greatest cases of hardship:-The Carnivora, in a body,
complained of a diminution and recent .alteration in their diet; the Society
having, from a regard to economy and its diminished finances, changed their
food from good ox beef to asses' flesh. They feared that, should they become
addicted to this kind of viand, they might, in a moment of desperation, be
tempted, from the similarity, to make free with the bodies of any of the mem-
bers that came in their way, a piece of ingratitude of which the great brown
bruin, in particular, said he could not bear the thought. The Royal Tigers
complained that some of their family had been carried off by a disorder re-
sembling the King's evil;" this they attributed to the Society's being
under Royal patronage, which they had, in the course of their travels, ob-
served to be fatal in many other establishments. The Dogs begged that, if
they were to have no more meat, they might, at least, be indulged with a
copy of South on the Bones." The beasts and birds, generally, declared
themselves ashamed of the shabby appearance of their friends in the Museum,
asserting that, living and dead, they were alike badly stuffed. The Parrots
spoke of the smallness of their cages, which, they entreated, might be en-
larged in dimensions by at least a perch or two. The whole tribe of Simim,
like the Baronets, prayed for a badge of distinction. They stated that their
appearance was so closely imitated by numerous individuals who crowded
around their cages on fine days in the fashionable season, that their visitors
did, not know one from the other, and frequently asked Which are the
monkeys ?"
All the animals prayed the benefit of clergy for the remission of their Sun-
day fasts, and implored the Bishop of London, though he could not get them
a holiday on that day, to at least interfere to procure them a dinner.

15. St. Within begins to rezgn. Umbrellas look up.



+III vi


DOBBLE's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-dog adven-
ture; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted the boldest chap of all
the bold North-Bungays. And though I must confess, what was proved by
subsequent circumstances, that Nature has not endowed me with a large, or
even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man is very willing to
flatter himself of the contrary; and, after a little time, I got to believe that my
killing the dog was an action of undaunted courage; and that I was as gallant
as any one of the hundred thousand heroes of our army. I always had a military
taste-it's only the brutal part of the profession, the horrid fighting, and blood,
that I don't like.
I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself-being only militia; but,
certain it was that Stubbs was considered a most terrible fellow, and I swore
so much, and looked so fierce, that you would have fancied I had made half a
hundred campaigns. I was second in several duels; the umpire in all disputes;
and such a crack-shot myself that fellows were shy of insulting me. As for
Dobble, I took him under my protection; and he became so attached to me that
we ate, drank, and rode together, every day; his father didn't care for money,
so long as his son was in good company-and what so good as that of the cele-
brated Stubbs? Heigho! I was good company in those days, and a brave fellow,
too, as I should have remained, but for-what I shall tell the public immediately.
It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North-Bungays were
quartered at Portsmouth; a maritime place, which I need not describe, and
which I wish I had never seen. I might have been a General now, or, at least
a rich man.
The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, such a
crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well received by the towns-
people; many dinners I had; many tea-parties; many lovely young ladies did
I lead down the pleasant country-dances.
Well; although I had had the two former rebuffs in love, which I have de-
scribed, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing that a girl with a
fortune was my only chance, I made love here as furiously as ever. I shan't'
describe the lovely creatures on whom I had fixed whilst at Portsmouth. I
tried more than-several-and it is a singular fact, which I never have been
able to account for, that, successful as I was with ladies of maturer age, by the
young ones I was refused regular.
But "faint heart never won fair lady;" and so I went on, and on, until I had
really got a Miss Clopper, a tolerably rich navy-contractor's daughter, into such
a way that I really don't think she could have refused me. Her brother, Captain
Clopper, was in a line regiment, and helped me as much as ever he could; he
swore I was such a brave fellow.
As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined to invite
him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of my principle, upon this
point; for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn-and as he sent all his bills to his
father, I made no scruple to use his table. We dined in the coffee-room; Dobble
bringing his friend, and so we made a party carry, as the French say. Some
naval officers were occupied in a similar way at a table next to ours.
Well-I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or my friends; and we grew
very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went on. Each man told
stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the ladies, as officers will, after
dinner. Clopper confided to the company his wish that I should marry his
sister, and vowed that he thought me the best fellow in Christendom.
Ensign Dobble assented to this-"But let Miss Clopper beware," says he,
"for Stubbs is a sad fellow; he has had I don't know how many liaisons
already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how many women."
"Indeed!" says Clopper. "Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures."
"Psha said I, modestly, "there is nothing, indeed, to tell; I have been in
love, my dear boy-who has not?-and I have been jilted-who has not?"
Clopper swore that he would blow his sister's brains out if ever she servedme so.



Tell him about Miss.Orutty," said Dobble; "he! he! Stubbs served that
woman out, any how; she didn't jilt him, I'll be sworn."
"Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names; the fact
is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had money-sixty thousand
pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, when, who
should come down from London, but a relation."
"Well; and did he prevent the match?"
"Prevent it-yes, sir, I believe you, he did; though not in the sense that you
mean; he would have given his eyes: ay, and ten thousand pounds more, if 1
would have accepted the girl, but I would not."
"Why, in the name of goodness ?"
Sir, her uncle was a shoemaker. I never would debase myself by marrying
into such a family."
"Of course not," said Dobble, "he couldn't, you know. Well, now-tell him
about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know."
"Hush, Dobble, hush don't you see one of those naval officers has turned
round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere childish bagatelle."
"Well, but let's have it," said Clopper, "let's have it; I won't tell my sister,
you know;" and he put his hand to his nose, and looked monstrous wise.
"Nothing of that sort, Clopper-no, no-'pon honour-little Bob Stubbs is no
libertine; and the story is very simple. You, see that my father has a small place,
merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it a funny name ? Hang it,
there's the naval gentleman staring again,-(I lookedterribly fierce as I returned
this officer's stare, and continued in a loud, careless voice) well-at this Sloffem-
squiggle there lived a girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothe-
cary in the neighbourhood; but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her
up to the park, and petted her. We were both young-and-and-the girl fell
in love with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm
advances that she made me; and here, upon my honour as a gentleman, you
have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a noise."
Just as I finished this sentence, I found myself suddenly taken by the nose,
and a voice shouting out,-
Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAu AND A SCONDREL take this, sir,-and this, for
daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady."
I turned round as well as 1 could, for the ruffian had pulled me out of my chair,
and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, who was occupied in beating
and kicking me, in the most ungentlemanly manner, on my cheeks, my ribs, and
between the tails of my coat. He is a liar, gentlemen, and a scoundrel; the
bootmaker had detected him in swindling, and so his niece refused him. Miss
Waters was engaged to him from childhood, and he deserted her for the boot-
maker's niece, who was richer;"-and then sticking a card between my stock
and my coat-collar, in what is called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute
gave me another blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends.
Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, CAPTAIN
WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said in my ear, "If
this is true. you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; and must fight me, after
Captain Waters," and he flounced out of the room.
I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and contemptuous
note, saying, that he was beneath my anger. As for Clopper, I did not con-
descend to notice his remark; but in order to get rid of the troublesome society
of these low blackguards, I determined to gratify an inclination I had long enter-
tained, and make a little tour. I applied for leave of absence, and set off that
very night. I can fancy the disappointment of the brutal Waters, on coming, as
he did, the next morning, to my quarters and finding me gone, ha! ha!
After this adventure I became sick of a military life-at least, the life of my
own regiment, where the officers, such was their unaccountable meanness and
prejudice against me, absolutely refused to see me at mess. Colonel Craw sent
me a letter to this effect, which I treated as it deserved.-I never once alluded
to it in any way, and have since never spoken a single word to any man in the

Association of British Ill minati, to be held in the Town Hall,
Birmingham,, in August, 1839.
[We have been specially favoured with an account of some of the most im-
portant affairs to be transacted at the 1839 meeting; many of which, from
the general inaccuracy of the published report, will, perhaps, not meet the
public eye in any other way.]
THE Lions of the day from all parts of the world are pledged to
be present, among others those of Mr. Van Amburgh. The man
with the goats and monkeys as 'yet sticks out for terms. Miss
Amany Amal and sisters will remain in this country, and attend,
by permission from the Adelphi, to communicate their interesting
discoveries in Indian Toe-pography. The president of the Nose-all-
ogical Society will be engaged, as also Grace Darling, if not too
A Deputation from the Female Temperance Society will wait on
the section devoted to the investigation of mesmerism, to know if
they may take infinitesimal doses of brandy in their tea; and the
section of moral science will be requested, for the satisfaction of the
scrupulous, to state whether persons who abjure gin, rum, and
brandy, because they do not like them, are, therefore, fit members of
a temperance society.
.Professor Murphy will announce his discovery of the real philoso-
pher's stone, by which he will prove to them the possibility of con-
verting all sorts of rubbish into gold. It is intended to present to
him the freedom of the town in a brass snuff-box.
Dr. Crow will read a paper on the sagacity of rooks, in which he
will propound and defend the extraordinary conjecture that they
never make a noise without caws.
A Deputation from the Fellows of the Zoological Society will
attend, to request the Homoaopathic section to devise some means
for the application of animal magnetism to the purpose of drawing
more visitors to the menagerie. Many of the public, it seems, are
cured of their wish for seeing "by smelling only ;" and as it is sup-
posed that the council "nose" all about it, they will now begin to
Mr. Owen will attempt to explain his plans for getting rid of old
discord by the establishment of New Harmony, and his peculiar
notions of the preservation of peace, by the disposal of the ladies on
the circulating library principle. Should he prove unable to make
his views clear, either to his auditors or himself, he will finish with
a catalogue of his own perfections, accompanied on the trumpet
stop of the town organ.
Mrs. Graham and her husband will cause to be read to the meet-
ing a paper, detailing numerous experiments, all tending to prove
that it is a popular fallacy to suppose that balloons have a tendency
to rise in the air.
Mr. Curtis will exhibit his celebrated acoustic chair, and explain


its capabilities. He will display the gold medal presented to him by
Government for the loan of it during the last year, and will show
how a foreign or colonial secretary may slumber in it from morn till
night, and yet hear what is going on all over the world. Mr. Curtis
will farther develop, by experiments on all who choose to try, its
amazing property, by which a gentleman has only to sit in the
chair, and appear to sleep, when he will be astonished to hear what
all the world says of him.
Mr. Seijeant Talfourd will read a paper on the wrongs of authors,
and instance many affecting cases in which, after having been al-
lowed to live in splendour for a few years, they have been so reduced,
by the illiberality of the trade and the ingratitude of the public, as
to actually want a bottle of Champagne. He will illustrate the state
of civil degradation to which they are reduced by the fact that at
one of his literary dinners, a gentleman who had laboured in the
Grub Street line all his life, actually did not know the names of
some of the -dishes set before him. Mr. Babbage will follow, with
calculations produced by his machine, proving that every book is
profitable, and that booksellers have neither rent, taxes, stock, nor
bad debts to trouble them. He will allude to the fact of a. West-end
publisher having lately retired with a competence, and will suggest
the propriety of a special meeting to inquire into the circumstances
of such an atrocity. He will be supported by Captain Ross, who,
however, will not state that author-ship is the worst vessel in which
he ever put to sea.
Professor Fang, of Manchester, will present an interesting series
of tests for ascertaining the existence of the vital principle in Fao-
tory children after they drop; and will suggest various novel stimu-
lants when the billy roller has ceased to be effective. He will point
out the evil of legislating on the subject of their ages, of which he
will show the impossibility of obtaining the requisite proofs, arising
from that beautiful economy of nature which bestows nothing in
vain, and, therefore, withholds from them the usual supply of teeth,
seeing that they have no time to use them.
Dr. Doubledose will communicate some interesting discoveries in-
the science of taw-tology, illustrated with real marbles. All the
town's boys will be allowed to stand at this sitting.
Many other elaborate papers will be read to the various sections;
but, as they will generally be about nothing, it is considered that
they need trouble nobody.
Mrs. Williams, of the OldBailey, will attend, for the accommoda-
tion of the visitors, with a copious supply of pewter plates, two-
pronged forks, and handsome waiting maids; and a constant suc-
cession of buttocks and flanks, hot and hot, will be received by every
train from Euston Square.
The inhabitants of the town are determined to shew their hospi-
tality to the illustrious strangers they expect, and all the bachelors
of arts and unmarried professors will be warmly welcomed at the
houses of the single ladies.





''- "~ -"
-- ";3

---~ 3
=----r- -- ~---~-
~9~mri~Xli~4C~------ --


1. Abolition of Negro Slavery, 1834; of Negro Appren-
Fticeship, 1838.

DozrNG in his easy chair,
Round his nose mosquitoes flitting,
Sweltering in the sunny air,
Was Nine-tail Joe of Kingston sitting.

Now Nine-tailed Joe loved cheerfulness,
And he chanced in a pleasant mood to be,
So he flogged his niggers, and played at chess,
And drank a full jorum of Sangaree.

What can be the matter with flogging Joe ?
His eyes are rolling to and fro,
And.he rubs his nose with his finger and thumb,
And gasps to speak, like one that is dumb.

The forms that lately were pawns and knights,
And bishops, and queens, and kings,
Were reeling and wheeling, like so many sprites,
Or other unearthly things.
And beings all fearfully black were there,
And they roll'd their eyes at Joe,
And wildly flourished the cat in air,
And danced to Jump Jim Crow."
Before them fled both bishop and knight,
While pawn and king were seen
Rolling and tumbling, in awful plight,-
Decorum was gone, and they fled outright,-
And surely it was a most terrible sight
When the bishop fell over the queen.

With burning head and aching heart,
Up from his chair did the planter start:
SBt the vision had fled, and there, instead
Of dancing niggers' furious tread,
Was seen the Bill, the dreadful Bill,
The Whiggish Act of Slavery,
That made him rich against his will,
And stopped him in his knavery.

The planter's dream doth plainly seem
To point a moral deep :
If you choose to whack a nigger's back,
You should never go to sleep

St. S~ithmn at
his post.

SEE, now, what life is; I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that day to this.
I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my horse and drinking my wine,
as a real gentleman should, have hardly enough now to buy a pint of ale: ay,
and am very glad when anybody will treat me to one. Why, why was I born
to undergo such unmerited misfortunes
You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, and that
cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after his insult to me, or I
should most certainly have blown his brains out; now he is living in England,
and is my relation; but, of course, I cut the fellow). Very soon after these
painful events another happened, which ended, too, in a sad disappointment.
My dear papa died, and instead of leaving five thousand pounds as I expected,
at the very least, left only his estate, which was worth but two. The land and
house were left to me; to mamma and my sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two
thousand pounds in the hands of that eminent firm, Messrs. Pump, Aldgate, and
Co., which failed within six months after his demise; and paid in five years about
one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which really was all my dear mother
and sisters had to live upon.
The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would yon
believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, mamma only
smiled, and threw her eyes up to Heaven, and said, "Blessed be God, that we
have still wherewithal to live : there are tens of thousands in this world, dear
children, who would count our poverty riches." And with this she kissed my
two sisters, who began to blubber, as girls always will do, and threw their arms
round her neck, and then round my neck, until I was half stifled with their em-
braces, and slobbered all over with their tears.
"Dearest mamma," said I, "I am very glad to see the noble manner in which
you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so rich as to be able to
put up with it." The fact was, I really thought the old lady had got a private
hoard of her own, as many of them have-a thousand pounds or so in a stocking.
Had she put by thirty pounds a year, as well she might, for the thirty years of
her marriage, there would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and no mistake.
But still I was angry to think that any such paltry concealment had been prac-
tised-concealment too of my money; so I turned on her pretty sharply, and
continued my speech. "You say, ma'am, that you are rich, and that Pump and
Aldgate's failure has no effect upon you. I am very happy to hear you say so,
ma'am-very happy that you are rich; and I should like to know where your
property, my father's property, for you had none of your own,-I should like to
know where this money lies-where you have concealed it, ma'am, and permit me
to say, that when I agreed to board you and my two sisters for eighty pounds a
year, I did not know that you had other resources than those mentioned in my
blessed father's will."
This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not because
I lost by the bargain of boarding them, for the three poor things did not eat
much more than sparrows; and I've often since calculated that I had a clear
twenty pounds a year profit out of them.
Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech.
"What does he mean ?" said Lucy to Eliza.
Mamma repeated the question, "My beloved Robert, what concealment are
you talking of?"
*"I am talking of concealed property, ma'am," says I, sternly.
And do you-what--can you-do you really suppose that I have concealed
-any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?" screams out mamma.
"Robert," says she, "Bob, my own darling boy-my fondest, best beloved, now
ie is gone" (meaning my late governor-more tears), "you don't, you cannot
fancy that your own mother, who bore you,'and nursed you, and wept for you,
and would give her all to save you from a moment's harm-you don't suppose
that she would che-e-c-eat you ?" and here she gave a louder screech than ever,
and flung back on the sofa, and one of my sisters went and tumbled into her .
arms, and t'other went round, and the kissing and slobbering scene went on
again, only I was left out, thank goodness; I hate such sentimentality.




Ch-e-e-at me," says I, mocking her. "What do you mean, then, by saying
you're so rich? Say, have you got money or have you not ?" (and I rapped
out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in here; but I was in a
dreadful fury, that's the fact).
So help me, Heaven," says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees,
and smacking her two hands; "I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in the
whole of this wicked world."
"Then what, madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, and to
talk about your riches, when you know that you and your daughters are
beggars, ma'am-beggars?"
My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and a hun-
dred a year still; and have you not great talents which will make all our
fortunes ?" says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, and making believe to
smile as she clawed hold of my hand and kissed it.
This was too cool. You have got a hundred a year, ma'am," says I, "you
got a house: upon my soul and honour this is the first I ever heard of it, and
I'll tell you what, ma'am," says I (and it cut her pretty sharply too), "as you've
got it, you'd better go and live in it. I've got quite enough to do with my own
house, and every penny of my own income."
Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech loud
enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell-kicking and strug
gling in a regular fit.

I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls used to
come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and stopping with
their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in very solemn to my
study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, "Robert, mamma has paid you our board
up to Michaelmas."
"She has," says I; for I always took precious good care to have it in ad-
"She says, John, that on Michaelmas day we'll-we'll go away, John."
"Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy ? very good; she'llwant the
furniture, I suppose, and that she may have, too, for I'm going to sell the place
myself ;" and so that matter was settled.

On Michaelmas day, and during these two months, I hadn't, I do believe,
seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the morning, I woke and
found her sobbing over my bed). On Michaelmas day morning, Eliza comes to
me and says, "John, they will come and fetch us at six this evening." Well, as
.this was the last day, I went and got the best goose I could find (I don't think
I ever saw a primer, or ate more hearty myself), and had it roasted at three,
with a good pudding afterwards; and a glorious bowl of punch. Here's a
health to you, dear girls," says I, ". and you, ma, and good luck to all three, and
as you've not eaten a morsel, I hope you wont object to a glass of punch. It's
the old stuff, you know, ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen
years ago."
Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche, as I live! Captain
Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, Bates, jumped out,
entered my house, and before I could say Jack Robinson, whipped off mamma
to the carriage, the girls followed, just giving me a hasty shake of the hand,
and as mamma was helped in, Mary Waters, who was sitting inside, flung her
arms round her, and then round the girls, and the Doctor, who acted footman,
jumped on the box, and off they went; taking no more notice of me than if I'd
been a nonentity.
There's the picture of the whole business: That's mamma and Miss Waters
sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in the back seat;
Waters driving (a precious bad driver he is, too) ; and that's me, standing at
the garden door, and whistling. You can't see Mary Malowney; the old fool
is crying behind the garden gate: she went off next day along with the furni-
ture; and I got into that precious scrape which I shall mention next.



WELIa here's a fine beginning all along of these here Harveys;
Sure-ly they're getting the whip-hand of all us honest jarvies;
To rob us of our fare is like depriving us of little,
And giving us no meat to cut, but leaving us a Whittle.
The watermen are all in tears,-it's fitting you should know,
That the stopping of our going is to them a tale of Wo;"
And the 'osses stands, quite sad to see, besides the crib in vain,
And wonders whether they shall ever taste a bit again.
Now they're getting' out of natur, for their raws is all a healing,
And soon they'll be onsenseless brutes, without a bit of feeling.
Or else they'll pine away so fast, the knackers scarce will skin 'em,
For they miss the bits of thrashing just to keep the life within 'em,
And the cuts that makes 'em lively, carter waiting in the street,
For 'tis but being on the stand that keeps 'em on their feet.
Now, blow'd if I can understand this here licensious day,
Unless it means the taking all our licence quite away;
And then, again, for characters, how very hard they use 'em,
Both them as vainly strive to find, and those who'd gladly lose 'em.
The cads look quite cadaverous, to think there's such a fuss
At their stepping from the treadmill, to the step behind a 'bus,
But here's the greatest grief, and sure it makes one choke to put on
A libel to one's neck, just like cheap cag-mag-scrag of mutton ;
There's nothing stares us in the face but rueful ruination,
So there's my ticket, and I'll seek some more genteel vocation.

7. Jerusalem demolished by Titus, A.D. 70.

Old Isaac's so given to bite us,
In bargains whenever we meet,
That I wish we'd a similar Titus
-m To batter down Holywell Street.
Land Sharks and Sa Gulls.

23. College of Physicians incorporated, 1518.
'Twere fair revenge to give no quarter,
But pound the doctors in their mortar.





ArTEn my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little land, I put
my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to amuse my solitude
with a trip to some of our fashionable watering-places. My house was now a
desert to me. I need not say how the departure of my dear parent, and her
children, left me sad and lonely.
Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a couple of
thousand pounds.' I had a good military-looking person; for though I had
absolutely cut the old North-Bungays (indeed, after my affair with Waters,
Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most friendly manner, that I had better
resign), though I had left the army, I stillretainedthe rank of Captain; know-
ing the advantages attendant upon that title, in a watering-place tour.
Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath,
Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard-player; so
much so, that in many of these towns the people used to refuse, at last, to play
with me, knowing how far I was their superior. Fancy, my surprise, about
five years after the Portsmouth affair, when strolling one day up the High
Street, in Leamington, my eyes lighted upon a young man, whom I remembered
in a certain butcher's yard, and elsewhere-no other, in fact, than Dobble.
He, too, was dressed en militaire, with a frogged coat and spurs; and was walk-
ing with a showy-looking, Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, glittering with chains
and rings, with a green bonnet, and a bird of Paradise-a lilac shawl, a yellow
gown, pink silk stockings, and light blue shoes. Three children, and a hand-
some footman, were walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, entered
the Royal Hotel together
I was known, myself, at the Royal, and calling one of the waiters, learned the
names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain Dobble, the son of the
rich army clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble, and Co., of Pall Mall); the lady
was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an American Jew, living quietly at Leaming-
ton with her children, but possessed of an immense property. There's no use
to give one's self out to be an absolute pauper, so the fact is, that I myself went
everywhere with the character of a man of very large means. My father had
died, leaving me immense sums of money, and landed estates-ah! I was the
gentleman then. the real gentleman, and everybody was too happy to have me
at table.
Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note : he
neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, however, I
met him with the widow, as before; and, going up to him, very kindly seized
him by the hand, and swore I was-as really was the case-charmedto see
him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, and I do believe the creature would
have cut me, if he dared; but I gave him a frown, and said-
What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our adventure
with the butcher's daughters, ha ?"
Dobble gave me a sickly kind of grin, and said, "Oh ah! yes! It is-yes!
it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs."
S"Ad old comrade, madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard so
much, and seen so much, of your ladyship, that he must take the liberty of
begging his friend to introduce him.'
Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly presented
to Mrs. Manasseh; the lady was as gracious as possible: and when, at the end
of the walk, we parted, she said, "she hoped Captain Dobble would bring me
to her apartments that evening, where she expected a few friends." Every-
body, you see, knows everybody at Leamington; and I, for my part, was well
known as a retired officer of the army; who, on his father's death, had come
into seven thousand a year. Dobble's arrival had been subsequent to mine,
but putting up, as he did, at the Royal Hotel, and dining at the ordinary there
with the widow, he had made his acquaintance before I had. I saw, however,
that if I allowed him to talk about me, as he could, I should be compelled to
give up all my hopes and pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to


be short with him. As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend
Dobble was for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him, and said, "Mr.
Dobble, I saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because, for-
sooth, I did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth; now look you, Dobble,
I am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you-and you know it. You are
a very different man to deal with from Waters; and Iwill fight this time."
Not, perhaps, that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I knew
Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived: and there never was any harm in
threatening, for you know you are not obliged to stick to it afterwards. My
words had their effect upon Dobble, who stuttered, and looked red, and then de-
clared, he never had the slightest intention of passing me by; so we became
friends, and his mouth was stopped.
He was very thick with the widow: but that lady had a very capacious heart,
and there were a number of other gentlemen who seemed equally smitten with
her. "Look at that Mrs. Manassch," said a gentleman (it was droll, he was a
Jew, too), sitting at dinner by me; "she is old and ugly, and yet because she
has money, all the men are flinging themselves at her."
"She has money, has she ?,"
"Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her children. I
know itfor afact," said the strange gentleman. I am in the law, and we, of our
faith, you know, Imow pretty well what the great families amongst us are worth."
"Who was Mr. Manasseh ?"
A man of enormous wealth-a tobacco-merchant-West Indies; a fellow of
no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a woman that is not
much better than she should be. My dear sir," whispered he, "she is always in
love-now it is with that Captain Dobble; last week it was somebodyelse; and
it may be you next week, if-ha ha! ha!-you are disposed to enter the lists."
I wouldn't, for my part, have the woman with twice her money."
What did it matter to me, whether the woman was good or not,.provided she
was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble all that this gentleman
had informed me, and being a pretty good hand at making a story, I made the
widow appear so bad, that the poor fellow was quite frightened, and fairly quitted
the field. Ha ha I'm dashed if I did not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh
had murdered her last husband.
I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend the
lawyer had given me, that, in a month, I had got the widow to show a most
decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner; I drank with her at the Wells;
I rode with her; I danced with her; and at a pic-nic to Kenilworth, where we
drank a good deal of champagne, I actually popped the question, and was ac-
cepted. In another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq., led to the altar Leah, widow
of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. Kitt's!
We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot; the children and servants
following in a post-chaise. I paid, of course, for everything; and until our house
in Berkeley Square was painted, we stopped at Stevens's Hotel.

My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank, in the city.
About three days after our arrival, as we took our breakfast inthe hotel, previous
to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's banker, where certain little transfers were to be made,
gentleman was introduced, who, I saw at a glance,was of my wife's persuasion.
He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. "Perhaps it will be convenient
to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty-two poundsh"
"My love," says she, "will you pay this ? It is a trifle which I had really
forgotten." My soul! said I, I have really not the money in the house."
"Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh," says he, "I must do my duty-and arrest
you-here is the writ! Tom, keep the door !"-My wife fainted-the children
screamed, and I-fancy my condition, as I was obliged to march off to a spong-
ing house, along with a horrid sheriff's officer!



-f -w -- --

1839.] OCTOBER.


1. Abolition of arrest on suspicion of debt, 1838.

Right little grieve I
To take my leave of all the tribe of Levi!
I care not now whom I may chance to meet The ghost of a
In Chancery Lane or Carey Street;
Gentile or Jew, or neither, or what not,
The bailiff's occupation's gone to pot,
And all their sport, thank common sense, is over;
Unless you find a man to swear,
That he heard another man declare,
That as he was walking the streets one day, Remember t
He met with Jones, who was heard to say, thou poor
That Smith intended to run away,
Across the straits of Dover.
But, any way, it does seem rather funny
To lock a man within four walls, and bid him seek for money.
There's no occasion now for me to hide,
Tho' once I was a deeply versed court guide;
I fear not now a single rap,
Nor startle at a tap.
From my boot's sole to my hat crown,
I'll have it all set down ;
As to my tailleur, his suit's a failure,
And talking of a writ, quite a mis-fit;
So, spite his measures, I'll take my pleasures;
And. since for debt I need not run away,
Shall I, like vulgar traders, stoop to payhare and s
Nay Share and

S tBailky."

heo Ay,
;host 1"

hare alike

10. Dividends due.
Philosophers'sagely declare,
Without reservation or stealth,
That the source of true happiness here
Is an equal division of wealth.

20. Battle of Navarino, 1827.

A Prescription.




I SHALL not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in Cursitor-street,
instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, which was to have been mine as the
husband of Mrs. Manasseh. What a palace !-in an odious, dismal street leading
from Chancery Lane,-a hideous Jew boy opened the second of three doors; and shut
it when Mr. Nabb and I (almost fainting) had entered : then he opened the third door,
and then I was introduced to a filthy place, called a coffee-room, which I exchanged
for the solitary comfort of a little dingy back-parlour, where I was left fora while
to brood over my miserable fate. Fancy the change between this and Berkeley
Square! Was I, after all my pains, and cleverness, and perseverance, cheated at
last? Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing upon me, and were the words-of
the wretch I met at the table-'h6te at Leamington, only meant to mislead me and
take me in? I determined to send for my wife, and know the whole truth. I
saw at once that I had been the victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage,
the house in town, the West India fortune, were only so many lies which I had
blindly believed. It was true the debt was but a hundred and fifty pounds: and.
I had two thousand at my bankers. But was the loss of her 80,000 nothing ?
Was the destruction of my hopes nothing ?-The accursed addition to my family of
a Jewish wife, and three Jewish children, nothing? And all these I was to
support out of my two thousand pounds. I had better have stopped at home, with
my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love, and who produced me eighty
pounds a-year.
I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, the base
wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent, as she was, she flung back the
cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled her. Why did I marry her, when
she might have had twenty others ? She only took me, she said, because I had
twenty thousand pounds. I had said I 'possessed that sum; but in love, you
know, and war, all's fair.
We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that when I had
paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I would take my 2,000,
and depart to some desert island; or, at the very least, to America, and never see
her more, or any of her Israelitish brood. There was no use in remaining in the
sponging-house (for I knew that there were such things as detainers, and that where
Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred pounds, she might owe a thousand), so I sent for Mr.
Nabb, and tendering him a cheque for 150, and his costs, requested to be let out
forthwith. "Here, fellow," said I, "is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum."
"It may be a shech on Shild's," says Mr. Nabb, "but I should be a baby to let
you out on such a paper as dat."
Well," said I, Child's is but a step from this; you may go and get the cash,
-just giving me an acknowledgment."
Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set off for the
Bankers, whilst I prepared myself for departure from this abominable prison.
He smiled as he came in. Well," said I, you have touched your money;
and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal rogue and extortioner I
ever met with."
O no, mishter Shtubbsh," says he, grinning still, "dere is som greater roag
dan me,-mosh greater."
"Fellow," says-I, "don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but give me my'
hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den."
Shtop, Shtubbsh," says he, not even Mistering me this time, here ish a letter,
vich you had better read."
I opened the letter: something fell to the ground:-it was my cheque.
The letter ran thus: "Messrs. Child and Co. present their compliments to
Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been obliged to refuse payment of the
enclosed, having been served this day with an attachment by Messrs. Solomonson
and Co., which compels them to retain Captain Stubbs's balance of 2010 1ls. 6d.
until the decision of the suit of Solomonson v. Stubbs.
"Fleet Street."
You see," says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter, "you see, Shtubbsh,


dere vas two debts,-a littel von, and a big von. So dey arrested you for de
littel von, and attached your money for de big von."
Don't laugh at me for telling this story: if you knew what tears are blotting
over the paper as I write it; if you knew that for weeks after I was more like a
madman than a sane man,-a madman in the Fleet Prison, where I went, instead
of to the desert island. What had I done to deserve it ? Hadn't I always kept an
eye to the main chance ? Hadn't I lived economically, and not like other young
men? Had I ever been known to squander or give away a single penny ? No!
I can lay my hand on my heart, and, thank Heaven, say, No! Why-why was
I punished so ?
Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months-my wife saw me once
or twice, and then dropped me altogether-I remained in that fatal place. I wrote
to my dear mamma, begging her to sell her furniture, but got no answer. All my
old friends turned their backs upon me. My action went against me-I had not
a penny to defend it. Solomonson proved my wife's debt, and seized my two
thousand pounds.-As for the detainer against me, I was obliged to go through
the court for the relief of insolvent debtors. I passed through it, and came out a
beggar. But, fancy the malice of that wicked Stiffelkind; he appeared in court
as my creditor for 3, with sixteen years' interest, at five per cent., for a PAIR OF
TOP-BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the whole story-
Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping, and all.
Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. So Doctor Swishtail would
not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind ?"
"No ; he said, ven I ask him for payment, dey was ordered by a yong boy, and
I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster."
"What, then, you came on a bootless errand, eb, sir?" (A laugh.)
Bootless no, share. I brought de boots back vid me ; how de devil else could I
show dem to you?" (Another laugh.)
"You've never soled 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins ?"
'" I never vood sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be revenged on dat
What, your wound has never been healed, eh ?"
Vat do you mean vid your bootless errants, and your soling and healing? I
tell you I have done vat I svore to do; I have exposed him at school, I have
broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould have had twenty thousand pound, and
now I have showed him up in a court of justice; dat is vat I ave done, and dat's
enough." And then the old wretch went down, whilst everybody was giggling
and staring at poor me-as if I was not miserable enough already.
This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, Mr. Stubbs,"
said Commissioner Dubobwig, very archly, and then he began to inquire about the
rest of my misfortunes.
In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them; how Mr. Solomonson
the attorney had introduced ile to the rich widow, Mrs. Manasseh, who had fifty
thousand pounds, and an estate in the West Indies. How I was married, and
arrested on coming to town, and cast in an action for two thousand pounds,
brought against me by this very Solomonson for my wife's debts.
Stop," says a lawyer in the court. "Is this woman a showy black-haired
woman, with one eye? very often drunk, with three children-Solomonson, short,
with red hair ?"
"Exactly so," says I, with tears in my eyes.
That woman has married three men within the last two years. One in Ireland,
and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her husband, and they both are off
for America ten days ago."
"But why did you riot keep your 2000 ?" said the lawyer.
Sir, they attached it."
0! well, we may pass you; you have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but it seems as
if the biter had been bit in this affair."
"No," said Mr. Dubobwig, Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL ATTACH-



A REMARKABLY successful operation has just been performed by
Mr. Curtis, on the eyes of an elderly lady, who had been blind and
deaf from her birth. The following letter to her niece has been sent
to us by her friends, to show the rapidity of her literary acquire-
ments, immediately on her attainment of the power of vision; and
such of our readers as can fancy themselves deaf will certainly see
it to consist of capital rhymes.
Dear Dolly, I'll thank you to send the cocoa,
And Susan, who brings it, shall take back your boa.-
Pray, tell Doctor Bleed'em I've got a sad cough;
I caught it while watching young Hodge at the plough;
I thought the day fine and was simple enough
My umbrella to leave, so got wet through and through,
For it came down in torrents; your poor aunt was caught
In the rain, and I afterwards sat in a draught.
This made me much worse, but experience I bought,
And I'll never more trust to the sunshine and drought!
Well, I made myself dry, and I sat down to tea:
Of the good that it did me you'd form no idea.
But I quite hate the country, the weather's so rough,
So you'll see me, dear, soon in your little borough.
I hope, after all, that my cold will be trivial-
But still you may send me that stuff in the vial-
In the kitchen you'll find it, just over the trough.
Oh, my cough! oh, my cough! it all comes of the plough.

THE Emigration Committee have thought it right to give pub-
licity to the following very intelligent letter, lately written by a
settler to his mother, on account of the valuable statistical infor-
mation it contains.
Catchum's Shallow on the little Red River
Arkensaw Stait April 1838
MY DEm E MUTTHE,-Yer mustent under if you havnt herd of me
for sume time, but grate grefe is dumb as Shaxpire sais, and I was
advised to hop my twig and leaf old ingland, witch indede I was
very sorrorful, but now I am thanks gudnes saf, and in amerrykey.
i ardly no ware miself, but the hed of this will tel my tail. I ham
a sqwatter in the far wurst, about J a-mile this side sundown, an if
i ad gone mutch father i should av found nothing but son, an no nite
at all. Yu kno how the hummeggrating Agent tolde me that if
peepel cudnt liv in Sent Gileses amerrykey was capitle to dy in;
besides ses he -if you're not very nere you can ade yure mother
in distress, so i went aborde a skip wat was going to Noo Orlines.
Ive herd peepel tawk abowt rodes at C but the rodes on the
attalantick is the very ruffest i iver rode on and it was very long
an very cold an we had nothing 2 heat hardly, but we found a ded
rat in a water cask witch the flavor was grately increased thareby.



A REMARKABLY successful operation has just been performed by
Mr. Curtis, on the eyes of an elderly lady, who had been blind and
deaf from her birth. The following letter to her niece has been sent
to us by her friends, to show the rapidity of her literary acquire-
ments, immediately on her attainment of the power of vision; and
such of our readers as can fancy themselves deaf will certainly see
it to consist of capital rhymes.
Dear Dolly, I'll thank you to send the cocoa,
And Susan, who brings it, shall take back your boa.-
Pray, tell Doctor Bleed'em I've got a sad cough;
I caught it while watching young Hodge at the plough;
I thought the day fine and was simple enough
My umbrella to leave, so got wet through and through,
For it came down in torrents; your poor aunt was caught
In the rain, and I afterwards sat in a draught.
This made me much worse, but experience I bought,
And I'll never more trust to the sunshine and drought!
Well, I made myself dry, and I sat down to tea:
Of the good that it did me you'd form no idea.
But I quite hate the country, the weather's so rough,
So you'll see me, dear, soon in your little borough.
I hope, after all, that my cold will be trivial-
But still you may send me that stuff in the vial-
In the kitchen you'll find it, just over the trough.
Oh, my cough! oh, my cough! it all comes of the plough.

THE Emigration Committee have thought it right to give pub-
licity to the following very intelligent letter, lately written by a
settler to his mother, on account of the valuable statistical infor-
mation it contains.
Catchum's Shallow on the little Red River
Arkensaw Stait April 1838
MY DEm E MUTTHE,-Yer mustent under if you havnt herd of me
for sume time, but grate grefe is dumb as Shaxpire sais, and I was
advised to hop my twig and leaf old ingland, witch indede I was
very sorrorful, but now I am thanks gudnes saf, and in amerrykey.
i ardly no ware miself, but the hed of this will tel my tail. I ham
a sqwatter in the far wurst, about J a-mile this side sundown, an if
i ad gone mutch father i should av found nothing but son, an no nite
at all. Yu kno how the hummeggrating Agent tolde me that if
peepel cudnt liv in Sent Gileses amerrykey was capitle to dy in;
besides ses he -if you're not very nere you can ade yure mother
in distress, so i went aborde a skip wat was going to Noo Orlines.
Ive herd peepel tawk abowt rodes at C but the rodes on the
attalantick is the very ruffest i iver rode on and it was very long
an very cold an we had nothing 2 heat hardly, but we found a ded
rat in a water cask witch the flavor was grately increased thareby.



at last we cam to the arbur at the city of Noo Orlines witch is all
under the bottum of the top of the riwer and we ad a ankering
to go a-shore. I ad no idear as the rivers was so hi in this
country, but as the assent is so very esy i didn't fele it at al.
The noo orlines peepel is odd fishis and not at all commun plaice;
wen all the peepel in the stretes is musterd it is a pepper an sault
poppulashun, there is blak wites an wite blaks an a sorte of mixt
peepel called quadruunts because they are of fore colers black, an
wite, an wite blaks, and blak wites. Has the riwer is so very hi
it is always hi water, an the munnifold advantages of the city dipends
on the gudnes of its banks. there is loks in em to let the water
out and keys to kepe it in. munny here is very common and is cald
sentse, and ewery thing is cheep in Noo Orlines 5 dollars bills bein
only worth 2 dollars. We went up the riwer in a large bote like a
noise ark only more promiscus. the current account was against us
it don't turn and turn agen like at putny bridg, and as it runs always
won way i under it don't run away altogether. Thire is no towns
nor tailer shops nor palisses as I expectorated there wood be. the
wood was all quite wilde not a bit of tame no ware nor no sines of
the blessedniss of civilazashun as jales an jin shops nor no pitching
gardens nor fields nor ouses nor lanes nor alleys nor gates nothing
but alleygators. after a grate dale of settlin I settled to settle as
abuv ware yu will rite to me. These staits is called the united staits
because there mails and femails all united, there's six of them
wimmin staits. 2 Carrolinas, Miss Sourry, Miss Sippy, Louesa
Anna, an Vargina, all the rest is mails. i have sene no canni-
bels an very few ingins besides steam ingins they're quite unhed-
ducated and don't employ no tailers. I don't like fammin mutch
but praps I shal wen i get used to it, tho its very ilconvenient at
furst. i am obliged to wurk very ard and if I have to chop my one
wood much longer I have determined to cut my stick.
Dere muther, i think i shud be more cumfurtable if I had a few
trifels witch you could bye me, if yew wud only sel sumthing and
send me all the bils particular, and I'l be sure to owe it you-
namly sum needils and thred, and sum odd buttens, but thems of
little use without you send me sum shirts, and a waistcote, and
upper cote, to put em on, when those tumbles off that's on when you
sends em, and sum brads, and some hammers do drive em with, and
a spade an a pikax, an a saw, and some fish hooks, and gunpowder,
an sum shot, witch they wil be of the greatest convenience, if you
can send me a gun. likewise som stockins, an shues and other hard-
wares, only its no use to send me any bank nots, for my nerest
naybours is sum ingun wagwams abuve 70 miles
of, and I cudnt get change thare, so don't forgit
some led, and some bullit moldes, for some blak
fellers has been fishing close by, jist within 10
miles and I wants to.have a pop at em with luv
to all yore dutiful sone



BROTHERS! support me in my desperate duty!
I first propose to all a cup of Rue-tea,
While I recite once more the various ways
Our club allows to terminate our days.
We recommend strongly steamboat trips
To those who are tired of their wives;
For it's better to scald to death at once
Than pass in hot water your lives.
The club prescribe a railroad ride,
To such as are bent on marriages;
If they're looking for sweet, 'tis like they'll meet
A Jam between two carriages.
Or take your place when the coaches race,
And an opposition rages,
It's a pleasanter trick to be popp'd off quick,
Than be kill'd by lingering stages.
But we wish all poets to try their pens
On a work of fun and fancy;
They'll hang on a hook, ere they finish their book,
In a fit ofneck-romancy.
Now a dismal band, let us seek the Strand,
From Waterloo to jump,
And we'll leap from the piers, 'mid the barges' tiers,
To show that our club's a trump.
23. First balloon ass-sent, 1782.
I wonder which will be the last-don't you ?
29. Insurrection of the Poles, 1830.
Paupers proclaim, so dignified their stations,
The shears a trespass on the rights of nations.

A Collection of National Hairs, with variations.

Put no
faith in
8 =T? S
bear the
Fog or

time will
Gentle Reader,
Fare thee well.


~i iiji





1839.] 197


I WAS a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar-I, Captain
Stubbs, of the bold North-Bungays, did not know where I could get a bed or a
As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my shoulder,
and a rough voice which I knew well.
"Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my bromise? I told you dem boots would
be your ruin."
I was much too miserable to repljr; and only cast up my eyes towards the roofs
of the houses, which I could not see for the tears.
Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild ? you vood marry, vood you, and
noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny-ha, ha-but you vere de pigeon,
and she vas de grow. She has plocked you, too, pretty vell-ell? ha! lia!"
Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind," said I, don't laugh at my misery; she has not left me a
single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve-I do believe I shall starve."
And I began to cry fit to break my heart.
Starf! stoff andnonsense-you vil never die of starting-youvil die of hanging,
I think, ho! ho and it is moch easier vay too." I didn't say a word, but cried on,
till everybody in the street turned round and stared.
'* Come, come," said Stiffelkind, "do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs-it is not goot for
a Gaptain to gry, ha ha Dere, come vid me, and you shall have a dinner, and a
bregfast too-vich shall gost you nothing, until you can bay vid your earnings."
And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my prosperity,
grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck: and took me home with him as he
promised. "I saw your name among de Insolvents-and I vowed, you know, to
make you repent dem boots. Dere now, it is done and forgotten, look you. Here,
Betty, Bettchen, make de spare bed, and put a clean knife and fork; Lort Corn-
vallis is come to dine vid me."
I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, and did
what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about boots and shoes, as if I
had never borne his Majesty's commission. He gave me no money, but he fed
and lodged me comfortably. The men and boys used to laugh, and call me
General, and Lord Cornwallis, and all sorts of nicknames-and old Stiffelkind
made a thousand new ones for me.
One day, I can recollect-one miserable day, as I was polishing on, the trees a
pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture, the old gentleman came into the shop
with a lady on his arm.
Vere is Gaptain Stobbs," says he; "vere is dat ornament to his Majesty's ser-
vice ?"
I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with one of them
in my hand.
"Look, my dear," says he, here is an old friend of yours, his Excellency Lord
Cornvallis! Who would have thought such a nobleman vood turn "shoe-black?
Gaptain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my dear niece, Miss Grotty. How could
you, Magdalen, ever leaf soch a lof of a man ? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;-
dere, never mind de blacking:" but Miss drew back.
I never shake hands with a shoe-black," says she, mighty contemptuous.
Bah my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has just been vite-
rashed ?"
"I wish, uncle," says she, you would not leave me with such low people."
"Low, because he cleans boots ? de Gaptain prefers pumps to boots, I tink,
ha! hal"
"Captain, indeed a nice Captain," says Miss Crutty, snapping her fingers in
my face, and walking away : a Captain, who has had his nose pulled ? ha ha!"
-And how could I help it ? it wasn't by my own choice that that ruffian Waters
took such liberties with me; didn't I show how averse I was to all quarrels by
refusing altogether his challenge?-but such is the world: and thus the people at
Stiffelkind's used to tease me until they drove me almost mad.


At last, he caste home one day more merry and abusive than ever: Gaptain,"
says he, I have goot news for you-a goot place. Your lortship vil not be able
to geep your garridge, but you vil be comfortable, and serve his Majesty."
Serve his Majesty says I Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you got me a place
under Government?"
"Yes, and something better still-not only a place, but a uniform-yes, Gabdain
Stobbs, a red goat."
A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by entering the
ranks of the army ? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind-I can never-no, I never."
No, I know you will never-you are too great a toward, ha I ha!-though dis
is a red goat, and a place where you must give some hard knocks too, ha ha 1-do
you gomprehend ?-and you shall be a general, instead of a gabtain-ha ha !"
"A general in a red coat! Mr. Stiffelkind ?"
Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN! ha I ha! I have been vid your old friend,
Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post-office, and he has got you de place-
eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You must not oben any of
de letters, you know."
And so it was-I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he named-a
general postman!

I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now more brutal
than ever, that when I got my place in the Post-office I never went near the
fellow again-for though he had done me a favour in keeping me from starvation,
he certainly had done it in a very rude, disagreeable manner, and showed a low
and mean spirit in shoving me into such a degraded place as that of postman. But
what had I to do ? I submitted to fate, and for three years or more, Robert Stubbs,
of the North-Bungay Fencibles, was--
I wonder nobody recognized me. I lived in daily fear the first year; but, after-
wards, grew accustomed, to my situation, as all great men will do, and wore my
red coat as naturally as if I had been sent into the world only for the purpose of
being a letter carrier.
I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed nearly three years, when
I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke Street-famous places for lodgings.
I suppose I left a hundred letters at a house in the latter street, where lived some
people who must have recognized me had they but once chanced to look at me.
You seethat when I left Sloffem, and set out in the gay world, my mamma had
written tome a dozen times at least, but I never answered her, for I knew she
wanted money, and I detest writing. Well, she stopped her letters, finding she
could get none from me : but when I was in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote
repeatedly to my dear mamma, and was not a little nettled at her refusing to
notice me in my distress, which is the very time one most wants notice.
Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a little
bright brass plate, in Duke Street, and delivered so many letters to the lodgers in her
house, Inever thought of asking who she was, or whether she was my relation, or not.
One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, and she
called her mistress;-an old lady in a poke bonnet came out of the parlour, and
put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, and fumbled in her pocket for
eight-pence, and apologized to the postman for keeping him waiting; and when I
said, Never mind, ma'am, it's no trouble," the old lady gave a start, and then she
pulled off her spectacles, and staggered back; and then she began muttering, as
if about to choke; and then she gave a great screech, and flaug herself into my
arms, and roared out, MY SON! MY SON !"
Law, mamma,'' said I, "is that you?" and I sat down on the hall bench with
her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. Hearing the whining and
crying, down comes another lady from upstairs,-it was my sister Eliza; and
down come the lodgers. And the maid gets water, and what not, and I was the
regular hero of the group. I could not stay. long then, having my letters to
deliver. But, in the evening, after mail-time, I went back to my mamma and
sister: and, over a bottle of prime old Port, and a precious good leg of boiled
mutton and turnips, made myself pretty comfortable, I can tell you.

B EWARE of false prophets, who predict of the times, which,
but for thy simplicity, would be for them out of joint"-of
the seasons, of which they know not, save that they yield them a
profitable harvest,-and of the winds, for which they care not, so
that they blow them good; but turn from them awhile, and regard
the Hieroglyphicum in Obscuro I here set before thee, and the in-
terpretation thereof; and, if it come not as I predict, thou may'st
guess the reason why. Unlucky planets rule the State Kitchen;
and the great kettle being filled by Aquarius, with Sol in oppo-
sition, an unfriendly boil is produced, which maketh the place so
hot that the Cooks find it hard to stay within, though loth to go
out. Moreover, being of one mind as to the making of a mess,
but differing as to the manner thereof, they have fallen to fighting,
to settle the question, and are all going to pot together. By a
touch of my wand, behold them transmogrified into a Lamb's head,
served with a plentiful dressing of strong Durham mustard, a
little Jack clinging to the side, as though he wished himself out of
this pretty kettle of fish, and a fowl, though, by his looks, no
chicken, attempting his escape in the form of a winged Cupid. He
does not like his company, and has made his bow-behold it in his
hand. Another fish, more like a Sir John than a sturgeon, seems
as though his berth was far from pleasant. The Mistress, alarmed
by the noise, comes to the window to see what is the matter; an
ancient Master Cook, from Arthur's, stands, ladle in hand, his
fingers itching to skim the scum off as it rises. An old Kitchen
Maid, who, though pensioned off, will still have a finger in every
pie, hath been stirring the fire with a worn-out broom-handle, (per-
chance she hath slyly put in a pinch of gunpowder) and is now
playing the part of blow-bellows. She seemeth, by the satis-
factionated curl of her nose, to be happy to see them all in hot
Now, as to the application hereof, every man must judge for
himself; but of a verity it doth to me appear, that too many
cooks will spoil any broth. And, while I speak of cookery, let
me advise thee as to thy treatment of that which a departed
wiseacre denominated the "worse than useless root." If, reject-
ing his advice, none but this fruit will content thee, let me
counsel thee to follow my example-having well roasted my
Murphy, I take him cum grano salis." Now, touching other
mundane matters, thou wilt herein find copious instructions, sage
predictions, and wholesome advice, on which thou mayest surely
rely, though I am no M.N.S., which can but mean Member of
No Society.
Thine ever,

200 DECEMBER. [1839.


HERE come December and the brats again! what pain! rushing like untamed
kittens o'er a cataract. Tables turn'd, bottles broke, cups crack'd-All conspire to
add to my distractions, to shew their skill in Christmas pieces, and in fractions.
How little dream'd I of the toil and trouble
Which wait on those who dare to carry double I
Why did I leave my life of singularity,
In my excess of Christian love and charity?
Too surely did I feel my courage falter
At that sad step which led up to the altar.
Since first I tied the matrimonial knot
Each year has added to my luckless lot;
I should not mind one little babe, no more.
But,point du Two, 1 don't want half a score;
Yet still, in quick succession, lo! they rise,
A pretty string of pains and penal-ties.

Family Ties.
From schoolmasters abroad the yearly bills
Run high among life's unsurmounted hills,
And pretty hillocks are those things called extras,
At doubling which they're all so ambidextrous;
Forgetting still, which greatly grieves my bowels,
To send back silver forks, or spoons, or towels.
Last, but not least, are those uncivil wars,
Poetic license calls domestic jars,
And which I find, though far from nice or fickle,
Without exception, yield the worst of pickle.





'\ -~- ---~


I839.J 201
MAMMA had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. I recol-
lected some of the chairs and tables, from dear old Squiggle, and the bowl in
which I had made that famous rum-punch, the evening she went away, which she
and my sisters left untouched, and I was obliged to drink after they were gone;
but that's not to the purpose.
Think of my sister Mary's luck That chap, Waters, fell in love with her,
and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and lives in state near Squiggle.
I offered to make it up with Waters; but he bears malice, and never will see or
speak to me. He had the impudence, too, to say that he took in all letters for
mamma at Squiggle; and that, as mine were all begging letters, he burned them,
and never said a word to her concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds
a year, and, if she were not such a fool, she might have had three times as much;
but the old lady was high and mighty, forsooth, and would not be beholden, even
to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this fifty pounds
she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her, of course I wanted
pocket money as well as board and lodging, and so I had the fifty pounds for my
share, and eked out with it as well as I could.
Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds
when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure-much more than ever
fell to me, I know), and as she said she would try and work for her living, it was
thought best to take a house and let lodgings, which she did. Our first and second
floor paid us four guineas a week, on an average; and the front parlour and attic
made forty pounds more. Mamma and Eliza used to have the front attic; but I
took that, and they slept in the servants' bed room. Lizzy had a pretty genius
for work, and earned a guinea a week that way; so that we had got nearly two
hundred a year over the rent to keep house with,-and we got on pretty well.
Besides, women eat nothing; my women didn't care for meat for days together
sometimes,-so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or so for me.
Mamma would not think of ny continuing in the Post-office. She said her dear
John, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and all that, should remain at home,
and be a gentleman-which I was, certainly, though I didn't find fifty pounds a year
very much to buy clothes and be a gentleman upon; to be sure, mother found me
shirts and linen, so that that wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at
paying the washing too; but she gave in at last, for I was her dear John, you
know; and I'm blest if I could not make her give me the gown off her back.
Fancy once she but up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my sister Waters
sent her, and made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. She was so very soft,
the old lady !

I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content with my
fifty pounds a year (perhaps, I'd saved a little out of it; but that's neither here nor
there). From year's end to year's end I remained faithful to my dear mamma,
never leaving her except for a month or so in summer, when a bachelor may take
a trip to Gravesend or Margate, which would be too expensive for a family. I say
a bachelor, for the fact is, I don't know whether I am married or not-never
having heard a word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs.
I never went to the public house before meals; for, with my beggarly fifty
pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home; but there I had my regular
seat, and used to come home pretty glorious, I can tell you. Then, bed till eleven;
then,breakfast and the newspaper; then, a stroll in Hyde Park or Saint James's;
then, home at half-past three to dinner, when I jollied, as I call it, for the rest
of the day. I was my mother's delight; and thus, with a clear conscience, I
managed to live on.
How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and loving to have
my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as hearty fellows as
you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights up royally. Never mind,
my boys,'' I used to say, send the bottle round : mammy pays for all," as she did,
sure enough; and sure enough we punished her cellar too. The good old lady
used to wait upon us, as if for all the world she had been my servant, instead of


a lady and my mamma. Never used she to repine, though I often, as Imust con-
fess, gave her occasion (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because
she never could sleep until she saw her "dear Bob" in bed,'and leading her a sad
anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, that I think in the
course of five years I never knew her, in a passion, except twice; and then with
sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining the house, and driving'the lodgers away,
one by one. But mamma would not hear of such envious spite on my sister's
part. Her Bob" was always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly retreated, and
went to the Waterses,-I was gladof it, for her temper was dreadful, andwe used
to be squabbling from morning till night.
Ah, those were jolly times! but ma was obliged to give up the lodging-house at
last-for, somehow, things went wrong after my sister's departure-the nasty un-
charitable people said, on account of me; because I drove away the lodgers by
smoking and drinking, and kicking up noises in the house; and because mamma
gave me so much of her money :-so she did, but if she would give it, you know,
how could I help it ? Heigho I wish I'd kept it.
No such luck.-The business I thought was to last for ever; but at the end of
two years a smash came-shut up shop-sell off everything. Mamma went to
the Waterses: and, will you believe it, the ungrateful wretches would not receive
me! that Mary, yoh see, was so disappointed at not marrying me. Twenty pounds
a year they allow, it is true; but what's that for a gentleman ? For twenty years
I have been struggling manfully to gain an honest livelihood, and, in the course
of them, have seen a deal of life, to be sure. I've sold segars and pocket-hand-
kerchiefs at the corners of streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been Director
(in the panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle and Drying
Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an actor,, and about a
month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been the means of giving to the
police of this empire some very valuable information (about licensed victuallers,
gentlemen's carts, and pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again
-that is, an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my lastplace.
On the last day of the year 1837, even that game was up. It's a thing that has
very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of a sponging-house; but
such was my case. Young Nabbs (who succeeded his father) drove me ignomi-
niously from his door, because I had charged a gentleman in the coffee-rooms
seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and bread and cheese, the charge of the
house being only six shillings. He had the meanness to deduct the eighteen-pence
from my wages, and, because I blustered a bit, he took me by the shoulders and
turned me out-me, a gentleman, and, what is more, a poor orphan I
How I did rage and swear at him when I got out in the street!-There stood
he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, writhing under the effect of my
language. I had my revenge! Heads were thrust out of every bar of his win-
dows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me, as I stood pounding him
with my satire, and they evidently enjoyed his discomfiture. I think the mob
would have pelted the ruffian to death (one or two of their missiles hit me, I can
tell you), when a policeman came up, and, in reply to a gentleman, who was ask-
ing what was the disturbance, said, Bless you, Sir, it's Lord Cornwallis." "Move
on, Boots," said the fellow to me, for, the fact is, my misfortunes and early life are
pretty well known-and so the crowil dispersed.
"What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and Boots ?"
said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had followed me. Sir,"
says I, I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay Fencibles, and I'll tell
you willingly for a pint of beer." He told me to follow him to his chambers at
the Temple, which I did (a five pair back), and there, sure enough, I hadthe beer;
and told him this very story you've been reading. You see he is what is called a
literary man-and sold my adventures for me to the booksellers: he's a strange
chap; and says they're moral.
I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have been
more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I am, without
a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty pounds a year-not a
single sixpence more, upon my honour.


"WELL, I never!-this the Great Western Railway: the
Paddington Station ? What a beautiful place :-ugh! ugh! ugh!
-and that's the engine: did I ever!-What a funny noise it
makes; and what elegant carriages-all plate-glass and silk-lace !"
Thus rattled a lively little matron, as fine as a milliner's pattern-
doll, to her dapper lord and master, as they seated themselves
vis-d-vis, in the nine-o'clock down train, first-class, on the morning
of the last anniversary of Ascot Cup Day. Anon they were
darting onwards for their destination, and again the dame's lo-
quacities were at high pressure. It is charming, and that's all
about it: for all the world like travelling by balloon; and as free
from dust and dirt as if one was borne through the air. Why, we
shall get down, I do declare, as clean as new pins." No danger
of being soiled on this line, marm," remarked a stout personage
in nankeen leggings, a wig, and a very red face, "'cause why, we
escape Staines and avoid Slough, you know: ha! ha !"
At the end of five-and-forty minutes, bump, bump, bump,
and a hissing, as of a universe of boa-constrictors, were succeeded
by the interrogatory, from officials in green and much brass, of-
"Now Windsor and all the crew bound for the races descended
of course. Then rose the clamour of 'bus cads and go-cart
"Billingsgate eloquence, and, as I guess,
The logic of the os coccygis;' "
when, after a scuffle, and some energetic demonstrations, our little
dame and second-self found themselves once more in company
with the gentleman in the leggings and red face. The trio were
seated in a lateral inconvenience on enormous wheels, the
charioteer, with his behind before them, urging to utmost speed a
gaunt but sinewy bit of blood, who flew onwards as if a herd of
hungry wolves were at his haunches. Our travellers were soon
on the best of terms: good fellowship generally results when
people are thus thrown together. Windsor was quickly reached,
and as they turned the corner beyond the White Hart, which
leads to Ascot, an equipage at the door of the hostelry attracted,
by its splendour, the go-carter's attention. "That's L- 's
carriage," said the married male; "he that cut such a dash last
season.; gave balls to one half of London;"-" and rifled: the
other," rejoined the man with the rosy countenance: it was mani-
fest that he was a wag. "A correct list of all the wonderful high-
bred horses, and how they will come in for every heat during the
day." "The modern Hercules, ladies and gentlemen; the modern
Hercules: he will take and tie that ere donkey to this here ladder,
and balance the astonishing conjunction on the tip of his nose.
Waiting for a ha'penny, ladies and gentlemen; make it another


brown, and-up-he-goes." Such is the chorus of the Olympic
song, chanted what time Ascot celebrates her right-royal revels;
but we tarry not for the ladder, or the staves.
Through streets of canvas caravanseras, all soliciting their
custom, our tria juncta reach the ropes as the word runs along the
lines. "The Queen is coming !" "Let me see her," ejaculated
the lady voyager : "bless her heart! it was for that I came here;
and is that Her Majesty? She is a darling, that's what she is !
so amiable, so kind-looking, and so little to be a queen! And
who is that in green, with the costly golden couples over his
shoulders ?" Oh, that's the master of the dear hounds." "And
all those lovely, smiling ladies?" More of the sweet." Clear the
course, clear the course !" and straightway there is a movement of
gold, precious stones, silk, and paradise plumes, enough to astonish
the Genii of the Wonderful Lamp.
Here they come !" Grey Momus, and Epirus, and Caravan,
with little Pavis, the rara avis." Another round for it. Well
done, grey; hurrah! dismal jacket." "Who's the favourite?"
"The belles are all for Bowes; I'm for Suffield, he's such a good
fellow." "I'm for Lord George, he's a better." "Hurrah splen-
did race." Oh you villain, you've stolen my watch; but I've
got you, and I'll give it you." "That ere's never no prigging.
Didn't I hear you promise to give it him P" Get away, do-you'll
break the springs: you're not to climb up my steps for a stare."
The Royal Stand is now vacated, and the cause reaches our little
inquisitive friend. Her Majesty has retired to luncheon." Law,
is she, indeed! how I should like to see her eat: I'm dying to
know what sort of meals they provide for her." "All the deli-
cacies in season," explained the wit, with a sinister smile, and
Lamb the whole year round." The matchless cavalcade has
passed in all its gorgeous simplicity, bearing the cynosure of all
eyes, where waves the banner of St. George a welcome to
"The fair-haired daughter of the Isles,
The hope of many nations."
This, and a rain, descending a l'Anglaise, gave notice to quit to all
save those who, by the grace of Mackintosh and neat brandy, had'
set the elements at defiance. Let us return to our conveyance,"
said the lively little matron, and make our way back to the
station of the Great Western Railway; my parasol is wet through
already." "Here is the spot where we left it," ejaculated her
spruce and dapper lord and master, "and no trace of it can I
discover: what is to be done now ? And the rascal was paid be-
forehand for stopping." "You could hardly have expected he
would stay, however," remarked the stout personage in the nan-
keen leggings, the wig, and the very red face, proving thereby that
he was not only a wit but a philosopher; "you could hardly, in
reason, expect the vehicle to stop so long. You should remember
it was a Go-cart."


JANUARY 15.-A tradesman at the West End was thrown into convulsions,
by the surprise of receiving payment of a Christmas bill!
FEBRUARY 9.-An elderly "Signer of Fives," who has, for thirty years
past, walked from Walworth to the Bank, without picking up one new idea
by the way, hearing that a deputation of paper-makers had applied to Mr.
Ahurphy for a little more rain to make their wheels go round, exclaimed,
"Don't tell me, they never can need it; have 1 not wanted my umbrella
every morning for above a week ?"
MARCH 15.-The City Forensic Club applied to the Court of Aldermen for
a contribution; the grant was opposed by one of the Court, on the ground
that they could have nothing to spare for any Foreign-sick Society while
there was so much illness at home.
The same gentleman thought it his duty to inform the Court, that there
was a report on 'Change of an alarming rise in Sperma-City. He said he
had been taken from school so long ago, that he had forgotten its locality,
and requested the Remembrancer to remind him. That learned gentleman,
after referring to a map, said he could not exactly find the place, but he
believed it was somewhere in Wales.
APRIL 1.-At the annual meeting of the Humane Society, medals were
offered for the quickest method of putting disappointed authors out of their
misery-for the means of supplying aldermen, at city feasts, with hot
dinners and-for the best plan for relieving the baronets from the agonies
they are suffering, on account of their neglected claims.
MAY 15.-Legacy extraordinary.-A poor old woman, living at Clapham,
a few weeks ago, was given over by the doctor. Her only anxiety was for
her grandson, a scapegrace lad whom she had brought up, and of whom she
was the only relative. He had been placed under the care of a neighbour-
ing waggoner, and the man was sent for. "Thomas," said the old woman,
Feel that I'm not long here, and I fear for Dick when I'm gone. He's a
wild lad, and I've nothing to leave him, but I hope you'll look after him,"-
the man nodded assent,-" and try to make a good lad of him,"-nod-" and
do your duty by him,"-nod again,-" and now and then do give him a cut or
two !" The authorities at Somerset House have not yet been troubled to fix
the duty payable on this bequest.
JUNE 15.-The following advertisement having appeared in the daily
papers, "FouND-The wig and gown of a barrister unknown," the place
of reference was next day blocked up with applicants answering the descrip-
JULY 21.-Lord Durham, in the midst of the cares of his government, has
not been unmindful of the promotion of science. Among other of his
original projects was one for exporting Canada geese, and domesticating them
in the Bermudas. It was discovered, however, that the attempt was not
likely to succeed, since his Lordship, though he might send them, could not
make them stay there.
AUGUST 9.-The recent default in Clerkenwell parish has been the cause
of the following notice on the Church doors:-" The inhabitants are re-
quested to remember when their taxes were collected, or they will be re-
OcTOBER 1.-The Greenwich Pensioners who have lost their legs, this day
presented a petition to the Commissioners of Woods and Forests praying to
be re-membered.


NOVEMBER 15.-The Linendrapers' Shopmen held a public meeting to
agitate for earlier hours. Some of the masters, who attended, manifested a
very unaccommodating spirit, and seemed inclined to subject their complaint
to that dangerous system of treatment, counter-irritation.
DECEMBER 7.-Lord'Durham safely arrived at his house in Cleveland Row
this day. We can vouch for the accuracy of the following particulars. His
Lordship, as he alighted, was observed to look up and down the street, in an
impressive manner, and nodded his head significantly to the porter who
stood to receive him-there seemed to be something in it. His Lordship
passed rapidly through the hall, upstairs, and shortly after his dressing-room
bell was heard to ring. Our reporter, who was stationed at the window of
the opposite house, was not able to ascertain who answered it, but he observed
servants pass out in various directions, and one of them, by his anxious looks,
seemed to manifest peculiar solicitude. Soon afterwards, a butcher's boy
presented himself at the area, with a tray containing three mutton chops;
he received some communication from within, and disappeared rapidly, but
shortly returned, bearing a leg of mutton. No movement of importance
being observed for the next seven minutes, our reporter withdrew to the
nearest public-house for refreshment, and had scarcely taken his seat, when
a servant, in his Lordship's livery, entered, and whispered to the man at the
bar. The words were not heard, but the pot-boy was observed to leave the
house in great haste, having in his tray three pints of half-and-half. It was
rumoured in the private public room, where our reporter was making his
notes, that his Lordship's return was not attributable to political causes
solely, but to the dread ofa Canadian winter; for that, though he was amply
furnished with warm feather beds, he had been disappointed in receiving a
supply of bolsters from home.-[Inteded for a Morning Paper.]
The principal novel publishers at the West End announce that, in the
course of the ensuing season, they will publish a great many fictions on re-
duced terms. These will all be derived from the most authentic sources of
information, arrangements having been made with several retired lady's-
maids for original communications, and the contents of all slop-pails, sent
under cover, will be considered confidential, and used with discretion. Gen-
tlemen's gentlemen, who have dismissed their masters, and are of a literary
turn, will meet with every encouragement.
The Marquis of Waterford is preparing for publication a new edition of
Wild Sports of the West, with original illustrations.
Early in the new year will be published,
No. I. of
To be continued regularly.

Though Malthus indite it, and Martineau write it,
I don't think they've quite hit the nail on the head;
And spite of their pother 'bout father and mother,
We may be one or t'other before we are dead.