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The Comic almanack
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00004
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1838
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00004

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image : cold water cure
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Preface
    The comic almanack for 1838
        Page 117
        Manners made easy or, how to cobble a silk purse out of a sows ear
            Page 118
            Page 119
            Page 120
        Hieroglyphicum in futuro
            Page 120
        January
            Image : Jan.
        Jack Frost
            Page 121
        My dancing days are over
            Page 122
            Page 123
        February
            Page 124
            Image : Feb.
        Frost fair : a lament
            Page 125
            Page 126
            Image : Charity ball
        Good old times
            Page 127
            Page 128
        March
            Image : March
        Taffy's anniversary
            Page 129
        St. Patricks Day
            Page 130
            Page 131
        April
            Page 132
            Image : April
        Ode to sir Andrew Agnew
            Page 133
            Page 134
        May
            Image : May
            Page 135
        John Budd and Sukey Sims
            Page 136
            Page 137
        The martyrdom of St. Paul's
            Page 138
        June
            Image : June
        Proclamation day
            Page 139
            Page 140
        July
            Image : July
        Rail - road travelling
            Page 141
        That mister Nubibus
            Page 142
            Page 143
        Cheap bathing
            Page 144
        August
            Image : Aug.
        Pleasuring
            Page 145
            Page 146
        Country commissions
            Page 147
            Page 148
        September
            Image : Sept.
        The harvest supper
            Page 149
        Apropos of the goose
            Page 150
            Page 151
        October
            Page 152
            Image : Oct.
        Joe Cose in London to Phoebe Buttercup in the country
            Page 153
            Page 154
        The praise of punch
            Page 155
        Adventure of a guy
            Page 156
            Image : Gunpowder
            Page 157
        Home for the holidays
            Page 158
        December
            Image : Dec.
        Queen in the city
            Page 159
            Page 160
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text













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S Odd And Interesting

Dickens once visited Crilkshank's Atudio and there saw
a series of pictures illustrating the career of a London
thief. There was a sketch of Falin's den. the Artful
Dodger, Charley Bates and Bill Stkes. All these Dickeni
.worked Into the book, "Oliver Twist."


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THE

COMIC ALMANAC.


IST SERIES, 1835-1843.






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AOOL YTAKKCAX.'
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The Cold Water Cure.


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THE


COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPIIEMERIS:IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,

QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
STHACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.












"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF."

lBiti mango Tunbreb Illustrations

BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.











PRELIMINARY.




T HE Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long
been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as
among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending
over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive,
they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the
varied excellences of his marvellous power.
The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of
the Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged
upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers
Mayhew, the late Robert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has
been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of
"Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently
appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and Barber Cox, or the Cutting
of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for
1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2s. 6d., but
in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to Is.
The change did not produce the increased circulation expected,
and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2s. 6d. In
this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added,
and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner,
the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the work.
For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly
sought after by collectors, and as much as 61. and 71. have
been given. for good copies.
A Second Series, completing the work, will shortly be pub-
lished. It will be uniform in size and appearance with the
present volume, and embrace the years 1844-1853.
J. C. H.
















THE


COMIC


ALMANAC


FOR 1838.







118 THE COMIC ALMANAC. 838.

MANNERS MADE EASY;
OR, HOW TO COBBLE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR.
rappov av8 s7rwaye."

PTNCTUALITY is essential to the character of a Gentleman. Early
in the New Year send peremptorily for all your bills. If they do
not arrive in a day or two, send again. By this exactness, you
give your tradesmen confidence, and ensure their civility for some
time, in the hope of a settlement. Having thus prevented any
increase of charges, you can pay at your leisure. I have heard of
a gentleman whose aversion to the sight of paper ruled in money
columns had been indulged in as long as was consistent with his
personal safety, who thus addressed a creditor for whom the shut
sesame of "call again" had lost its charm. "After having for
"many years neglected my affairs, I have at length awakened to a
" sense of my error, and have resolved, by a vigorous system of
"economy, to retrieve them. Method, Sir, I now perceive that
"method is everything. From this day I set apart a certain por-
"tion of my income sacred to the payment of my debts."-" I am
"delighted, Sir, to hear of your noble resolution."-" I have made
"a schedule of all I owe, and shall begin at the top and persevere
"undeviatingly in regular though slow succession towards the
"bottom:-so that you see, my dear Mr. Figgins"-" Sir, my name
"is Wiggins"-" Wiggins I had quite forgot; but I am sorry to
"hear it, very sorry-for my list is alphabetical. Had it been
"Figgins, or even Higgins, there would have been some chance for
"you, but the W's are so verylow down.-No, I cannot say when
"I shall reach the W's."
If you wish to refuse the request of an old friend or a poor rela-
tion, but can hardly screw your courage to the sticking-place, put
on a pair of tight shoes, and you will find it perfectly easy.
Never introduce your friends to strangers without their consent,
nor permit such a liberty towards yourself, especially about No-
vember. Many have been entrapped into the hands of John Doe
and Richard Roe thereby, unawares.
Choose rainy days to pay your visits on. You will thus show
your sincerity, and be less likely to miss callers at home. Take
your cloak and hat into the drawing-room-to leave them below
would be like one of the family-but, above all, carry in your
umbrella; you have no right to leave it streaming in another
person's hall.
When you visit your maiden aunt, as you value your legacy
expectant, preserve an amiable face, and keep your hands and feet
to yourself, while her favourite tom cat reposes in you the height of
his friendship by looking you full in the face and vigorously stretch-
ing himself by the aid of his ten talons hooked through your tight
and tender. kerseymeres.







MANNERS MADE EASY.


Though you may be a Nabob, or as rich as one, be not too
anxious to parade your black servants before your friends, for both
your sakes; they have, in general, two bad qualities-" stealing
and giving odour."-Shakspeare, hem!
Never marry a widow (unless her first husband was hanged), or
she will be always drawing unpleasant comparisons.
Never refuse a pinch of snuff, but do not become a snuff-taker:
it.is paying through the nose for a little pleasure.
Avoid argument with Ladies. In spinning a yarn among Silks
and Satins, a man is sure to be Worsted.
It is common to speak contemptuously of tailors and dress-
makers. This is bad taste; none but a rat would run down the
sewers.
When a lady sits down to the pianoforte, always volunteer to
turn over the leaves. To be able to read music is of no conse-
quence, as you will know that she is at the bottom of a page when
she stops short. If you turn over two leaves at once, you will
probably have the secret thanks of most of the company.
When your friend enters the room instantly rise, and, though
there may be half a dozen unoccupied chairs at hand, draw him
with gentle force into your own. You will thus show the warmth
of your friendship; for a damp seat may be as bad as a damp bed.
In driving out never make a lady treasurer of the turnpike
trusts;-or, when you want twopence for a toll, you have to wait
while the reticule string is snapped in two; then, out comes a
lace-edged white muslin worked pocket-handkerchief, a pair of
lemon-coloured kid-gloves, a smelling-bottle, a bunch of keys, and,
to crown all, a five-shilling piece to change. All this time you are
stuck fast in the jaws of a turnpike gate, the Brighton Quicksilver
in your rear, driver raving at your back, leaders snorting over your
shoulder.
Never plan a pic-nic, on pain of skulking about the town for six
months after, dreading to meet, at every turn, the infuriated looks
of the bereaved parents of half a dozen little innocents in white
frocks and trousers, who have been washed away by an inundation;
or to encounter the menacing glances of budding heroes, fierce in
the rudiments of moustaches and chin-tufts, whose Celias and
Delias have dropped into a decline through sitting on the damp
grass at your instigation.
Never hesitate to take a friend with you when you go out to
dinner. Disappointments are so frequent that the lady of the
house may perhaps be glad of a spare gentleman to fill up a gap.
In carving, remember that "'twere well it were done quickly."
He must be, therefore, the best carver who soonest fills the
greatest number of plates. Waste no time in asking if people
like a wing or a leg, this bit or that-many do not know their
minds on any subject. Besides, as they cannot all have the
prime cuts, nothing but discontent can ensue from giving them
the choice.
As too much of a good thing is morally impossible, fill the







120 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [I838,

plates well-the delicate can leave half, and the modest are
saved the unpleasantness of a second application; besides making
the hostess your eternal friend, if, through your management in
the outset, some of the dishes go away uncut for another day.
Always return into the dish, before it goes from table, any
portion of a ragout that your friends may leave in their plates.
It is ten to one if your careless servants think of doing so after-
wards.
Instead of waiting for the dessert, let your children come in
with the first course-they cannot be used to good society too
soon. They will furnish topics for conversation, and if any present
be vulgar enough to require a second supply of soup, when the
tureen is at low water mark, they will probably relieve your
embarrassment by upsetting it, and so dispose of the question.
Help the darlings first-they are dearer to you than mere
visitors, to whom you might, otherwise, inadvertently transfer
some delicate bits on which the little cherubs had set their minds.
Do not detain.the toothpick long after dinner-it's unpleasant
to be kept waiting for it.
If a lady request you to select an apple for her, bite a piece
out. How can you recommend it without ?
Always wipe the brim of a pot of porter with your sleeve, if
you are about to hand it to a lady.



HIEROGLYPHICUM IN FUTURE.

THE Queen of Hearts, VInGo, a bright constellation,
(That she'll turn up a trump is the hope of the nation),
By a whole pack of outlandish knaves who are suing,
Is sorely beset, for she shrinks from their wooing.
Each holds out a circle in which to entrap her,
And ev'ry one hopes that he shall kidnap her.
But occult operations behind the state curtain
Shew an Ellph, that makes their success very uncertain.
Now, look to the left, and you'll see that Egalitg,
That awful French thing, wants to pull down Regality;
And, much to the horror of all Christian people,
It tugs at the Church,-or, at least, at the steeple.
A sage-looking wight, who is marking the Movement,"
Seems to think it by no means would be an improvement;
But as prophecies often show forth strange vagaries,
And, nine times in ten, are explained by contraries,.
Let us hope we shall find that a people's affection
Is the very best remedy againstt disaffection.
May it crush the foul traitors who love revolution,
And preserve all that's good in our wise constitution.







120 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [I838,

plates well-the delicate can leave half, and the modest are
saved the unpleasantness of a second application; besides making
the hostess your eternal friend, if, through your management in
the outset, some of the dishes go away uncut for another day.
Always return into the dish, before it goes from table, any
portion of a ragout that your friends may leave in their plates.
It is ten to one if your careless servants think of doing so after-
wards.
Instead of waiting for the dessert, let your children come in
with the first course-they cannot be used to good society too
soon. They will furnish topics for conversation, and if any present
be vulgar enough to require a second supply of soup, when the
tureen is at low water mark, they will probably relieve your
embarrassment by upsetting it, and so dispose of the question.
Help the darlings first-they are dearer to you than mere
visitors, to whom you might, otherwise, inadvertently transfer
some delicate bits on which the little cherubs had set their minds.
Do not detain.the toothpick long after dinner-it's unpleasant
to be kept waiting for it.
If a lady request you to select an apple for her, bite a piece
out. How can you recommend it without ?
Always wipe the brim of a pot of porter with your sleeve, if
you are about to hand it to a lady.



HIEROGLYPHICUM IN FUTURE.

THE Queen of Hearts, VInGo, a bright constellation,
(That she'll turn up a trump is the hope of the nation),
By a whole pack of outlandish knaves who are suing,
Is sorely beset, for she shrinks from their wooing.
Each holds out a circle in which to entrap her,
And ev'ry one hopes that he shall kidnap her.
But occult operations behind the state curtain
Shew an Ellph, that makes their success very uncertain.
Now, look to the left, and you'll see that Egalitg,
That awful French thing, wants to pull down Regality;
And, much to the horror of all Christian people,
It tugs at the Church,-or, at least, at the steeple.
A sage-looking wight, who is marking the Movement,"
Seems to think it by no means would be an improvement;
But as prophecies often show forth strange vagaries,
And, nine times in ten, are explained by contraries,.
Let us hope we shall find that a people's affection
Is the very best remedy againstt disaffection.
May it crush the foul traitors who love revolution,
And preserve all that's good in our wise constitution.































.JANUARY,- New Year's E.~








JANUARY.


JACK FROST.

HAIL, Snow not the white head at Snow and Paul's,
But speaking city-wise, that oddity
Which rises higher as the more it falls,
A paradoxial commodity.

The schoolboy's long expected an-nu-al;-
Abandon'd now are wicket, bat, and ball;
Gradus, degraded-manual, underfoot-
Rebate, at discount-routed, cubic-root.

The pelted village idol, by the way,
With hideous grin uplifts his hoary pate,
To make a parson swear, or poacher pray,
Or frighten some old woman passing late.

Perchance a supple New Poor-Law Commissioner,
On plans of pauper diet deep intent,
May start and think of some white-haired petitioner,
Turned out to starve by act of parliament.

But what cares he for hot, cold, wet, or dry ?
Thanks to the Whigs, he gets his sal-a-ry.

12 Lavater d. 1801.

"I think I've seen your face before."
WERRY LIKE."

2G Botany Bay colonized, 1788.

Rejoice and praise, in merry lays,
The wisdom of the wigs,
Which kindly found, on classic ground,
A paradise for prigs.
S Assembled there, in talent rare,
Each knave salutes a brother,
And friendly yet, their wit they whet,
By practice on each other.


31 Young Pretender d. 1788.


121


N.B. Ra-e n it eK inct.







THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838-





MY DANCING DAYS ARE OVER.

By the Gentleman in the White Waistcoat.

MY dancing days are over now,
My legs are just like stumps;
My fount of youth dried up, alas!
Wont answer to the pumps,
Yet who so fond of jigs as I?
Of hornpipes such a lover?
Of gallops, valses,-but, alas!
My dancing days are over.

In feats of feet, what foot like mine
(Excuse me if vain-glorious:)
Like mine for grace and dignity
No toe was more notorious.
Oh! then what joy it was to hear
Roy's Wife or Kitty Clover !
But Drops of Brandy now won't do
My dancing days are over.

My feet seem fastened down with screws,
That were so glib before;
And my ten light fantastic toes
Seem toe'-nailed to the floor.
I cannot bear a ball-room now,
Where once I lived in clover;
Terpsichore quite made me sick;
My dancing days are over.

I used to dance the New Year in,
And dance the Old Year out;
Ah! little did I then reflect
That chacun a son gout,
All summer thro' I skipped and hopped,
At Margate, Ramsgate, Dover.
The year was then one spring-but now
My dancing days are over.







1838.] MY DANCING DAYS ARE OVER. 123

I'm eighteen stone and some odd pounds:
So all my neighbours say.
I'll go this moment to the scale;
But I can't balance.
When in a ball room I appear,
As soon as they discover
My presence, off the girls all fly,
My dancing days are over.
I'm quite as fat as Lambert was,
Or any old maid's spaniel;
And when I walk along the street
They cry, "A second Daniel!"
And if I go into a shop
Of tailor, hatter, glover,
They always open both the doors:
My dancing days are over.
My college chums oft jeer at me,
And cry, Lord, what a porpus !
Who'd take you for a Johnian ?
You seem to be of Corpus !"
The stage-coachmen all look as if
They wished me at Han6ver:
The safety cabs don't think me safe:
My dancing days are over.
My great pier glass, that used to show
My waist so fine and thin;
Now, turn whichever way I will,
Won't take my body in.
My form, that once a parasol
Would always amply cover,
A gig umbrella now requires:
My dancing days are over.
In vain my hand I offer.now;
Away each damsel stalks;
Chalk'd floors no longer may I walk,
So I must walk my chalks.
For me there is no woman-kind:
None wait me now for lover.
Maid, widow, wife, all fly-they know
My dancing days are over !








FEBRUARY.


VALENTINE'S DAY.

IT's very odd, and even so, and why I can't discover,
That I should wait, at Cupid's gate, the knocking of a lover;
There's old Miss Young, with wily tongue, has tickled Captain Sly;
The wrinkled frump will bear his stump, to get a Leg-a-cy.
There's little Brown, I set him down for sure among the shymen,
He is, altho' so short a beau, drawn in the knot of IHigh-men.
And Corp'ral Scout, to buy him out, the Widow does not falter,
It hurts her pride that he should ride so long without a altar :
But pert Miss Green,just turn'd sixteen, she need not use such speed,
To make a hash with Count Moustache-'tis Baby-work indeed.

14 Blackstone d. 1780.

Judge Blackstone was a learned judge,
As wise as ever sat,
He wore his head within his wig,
His wig within his hat.

Judge Blackstone made a learned book
ofA-Size On subjects, and on kings,
And many reasons sage he gave
For many foolish things.

And many a wily way he found
For lawyers to get fat in,
And common sense, and English sound,
He smothered in dog-latin.

And simple ways made strange to see,
As clients, to their loss tell;
And many things that law may be,
Altho' they be not Gos-pel.

But since (see Job) we are but worms,
Our destiny we fill,
No doubt, in being gobbled up
By some long lawyer's bill.

28 Hare Hunting ends. Nemo est hceres viventis."-BLACKSTONE.


[1838.






A; TIi 1


FEBRUARY, Frost Fair.










FROST FAIR:

A LAMENT. BY TOM TUG.

VELL, blow me tight, but here's a go! I can't hardly believe my eyes,
It's a rig'lar Bartlemy Fair afloat, vith its stalls, and peep-shows, and t'ys,
And wonderful lambs without niver a head, and vonderfuller pigs with three;
And ships a svimmin' about in the air, instead of on the water, vere they
orts to be;
And chaps a selling peppermint to keep the cold out, vich is jest the vorst
thing under the sun;
And people a having their names printed on cards, vot can't read 'em ven
they're done;
And lads and lasses a dancing and singing, and up to all manner o' queer raps ;
And fat sheep a roasting whole, but not a bit for us poor amphibious chaps;
And fellers a playing at nine pins on the ice, vot can't stand on their own two;
And ticket porters a stopping to see Punch, instead of going on their arrans,
as they orts to do;
And firemen a cutting about here and there, as big and grand as any lord or
squire.
Vith their red coats and badges-I s'pose they're afeard o' somebody's setting
the Thanes afire-
And booths up and down of all sorts and sizes, till it looks like a Boothia
Felix quite,
Vith the monument for the North Pole-that is, ven the fog and smoke '11
let you git a sight-
And the turnpike men off the various bridges, vith nothing in the vorld to do
all day
But go to sleep on their rusty turnstiles, for in course people ain't switch
spoons as to pay
To-pass thro' their rewolving plate-warmers,ven theycan go over the vaterfree;
Vich I don't care so much for the bridge chaps, 'cause they does a good deal
o' harm to we.

As for Billingsgate Market, the trade there's downright flat, ruinated and
dead;
The fine fresh soles can't come up to be cried, and so they cries cast-metal
skates instead.
I alvays thought switch things vos regilated byact of parlyment, and proclaimed
by the Lord Mayor;
I knows-a bit o'Burnses's Justice, I does; and my opinion is, it aint a legle fair.
It's a nice look-out, ain't it, for a young man vot the vater's his only bread?
I'm blowed if I don't think I shall cut the river, and take to the land instead,
And labour for the advantage o' science-body-snatching, I mean-for where's
the harm, ifegs!
Yen their ain't no further demand for skulls, to try to do a little bisness in
arms and legs ?
As for the vind, I think it 'll never be nothing but due nor' again:
I often looks up at the weathercock, but, bless your heart, it's all in vane!
Poor fellers! as Shakespear says, our occupation's rig'lar done up, and no
mistake,
Vot vith von thing or another (vich von misfortin, you know, alvays brings
another in its wake).







126, THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1838.

I don't like to say nothing unliberal or unvatermanlike, but this I vill say,
the ruin of us is
Them tarnation, smoking, steaming, fizzing, pothering, unnattaral-looking
water-buses.
Unnattaral, I say-for who ever meant wessels to go on wheels ? or a nasty,
long, curly, black,
Stinking, pothery pennant o' smoke to take place o' the British Union
Jack?
And as if that vosn't enough, to spoil our trade and set all our poor old
hearts a breaking,
Mr. Brunel must come to finish us up, poor wretches vith his horrid under-
taking.
Mister B. is a wery ambitious man, that's vot he is, and his work a wery
great bore:
But, thank heav'n! it'll be a long time before his tunnel (whatever his fame
may do) reaches from shore to shore.
I never gets a sight o' nothing good now-beefsteaks, nor anything else
that's nice:
No ingins (except steam ingins), and you may count my ribs (tho' you can't
the ribs of ice).
I did a job for a confectioner t'other day, as vos a trying to larn to skate,
But his heels tript up right bang, and down he fell on the back of his pate.
Vell, up I vips him in my arms, and carries him straight off home in a
trice.
I did think I should get a glass of grog for that job, but, says he, Yon't you
take a ice ?"
"No, Sir," says I, walking off wery indignant, and looking jest as sour as
sour crout,
"Yen I takes a drop o' liquor I al'ys has it varm vith'-I doesn't like cold
without.' "
But it's no use talking, for talking only makes one more hungrier and more
drier:
And the heat of argument's wery unlike the heat of a good kitchen fire.
I'm as dry as an old boat, vot ain't good for nothing in life but to knock up
and burn;
And so I sees plain enough suicide's the only side on vich I can turn.
Bless you, I'm as hollow as a drum, and as thin as any poor devil of a church
mouse;
So here goes for the fatal plunge-what's a plunge more or less to a man as
hasn't got a sous ?
Here goes-but, oh, crikey here am I to go to find a drop o' vater un-
froze?
Yell, that's the cuttingest thing of all-to think as a man can't put a end
to his woes
In his own native element, as he vos bred and born to, and lived in, man
and b'y,
Uppards of thirty-six year come next Midsummer (vich it never vill come
again to I).
Veil, I've tuck my leave of the river, and my poor miserable little funny, so
pretty and red:
I shall never shoot Lunnun Bridge no more, so I'll go and shoot myself
instead.















AS B D U fpt
r~ l~i~e~to ptymut 6,.~
subsc ai j~S~Jen~


A CHARITY BALL Dancing-for the Million.











THE GOOD OLD TIMES.

LET others sing of times to come-
Of joys that never will!
My song shall be of days gone by:
So, boys, a bumper fill
To the good old times I oh, the good old times!
Their like we ne'er shall see:
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

In the days of youth, when all was flowers,
And ev'ry month was May,
And my spirits were light as the thistle down
And my heart was always gay,
I loved a fair and gentle maid
With all the constancy
That a mutual flame in youth can inspire :
But, alas! she jilted me.
Oh, the good old times! the good old times
Their like we ne'er shall see:
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

Friends of to-day, how vain are they !
The partners of an hour,
That fortune gathers round a man,
As sunshine wakes the flow'r.
My friend and I, in infancy,
Play'd neathh the same old tree:
One home was ours for long, long years,
Till my friend arrested me.
Oh, the good old times I the good old times!
Their like we ne'er shall see:
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

My country's cause was always mine-
Britannia, ocean's bride !-
A patriot's name my dearest boast,
A patriot's heart my pride.
My leader was "the people's friend;"
'Twas thus he gain'd my vote:







128 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [838.

But they put him on the pension list,
And the patriot turn'd his coat.
Oh, the good old times! the good old times:
Their like we ne'er shall see:
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

'Twas then I felt that honour dwelt
In noble ancestry;
That still in high and gentle blood
Some secret virtues lie.
My champion now I joy'd to hear
Rail at the parvenu:
But I soon found him on the Civil List-
With his wife and cousins too.
Oh, the good old times!- the good old times!
Their like we ne'er shall see:
The world was full ofhonest hearts,
And life went merrily.

Disgusted with the city's vice
I to the country sped.
A simple husbandman, my life
'Mid flocks and herds I led.
The livelong day I'd pipe and play,
Or on some thyme-bank sleep :
But at night they broke into my folds,
And stole my cows and sheep.
Oh, the good old times! the good old times!
Their like we ne'er shall see :
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

They told me 'twas my single state
That harass'd thus my life;
And to the altar soon I led
A young and lovely wife.
Oh! then what joys, what hopes were mine !
Life seem'd a brighter heaven:
But my wife eloped with her cousin Tom,
And left me infants seven.
Oh, the good old times! the good old times!
Their like we ne'er shall see:
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.



































MARCH, St Patrick's Day.







MARCH.


TAFFY'S ANNIVERSARY.
COME, Liberality!-I hail the name,
Whether 'tis all for love," or love for fame-
Whether to strike the world is your desire,
In printed lists of donors dubbed "Esquire;"
Whether to govern in those stately domes
Where Want's pale children sigh in vain for homes,
And few but those who're blest with wealth and kin,
And means to keep them out, can struggle in ;
Whether you boldly sport your own bank-notes,
Or beg about for other people's votes;
Whether you fill the presidential chair,
Orjoin the throng because a Lord is there;
Or, like some Lords, whose plan is rather funny,
Put down your name, but never pay the money.
But if, like some, the only certain way
To reach your heart does through your stomach lay,
Then mount the leek, a true Saint David's son,
And let the fund afford a little fun,
'Mid warring knives, and charge of glasses' din,
Turn out your purse, and be well lined within.
Tough tho' the mutton, as a saddle, there,
Like Bardolph, you can eat, and "eat and swear,"
And doom, with aching teeth and furious looks,
The dinner to the sire of all bad cooks.-
But now behold, the dishes cleared and gone,
Three dismal men who twine three tunes in one,
And send fourth sounds, with faces sad to see,
Call'd by the chair, The favour of a Glee."-
Appealing lists appal you now, and they
Are nail'd for pounds, who screw for pence all day.
But hear the sweet applause of the crowd,
When Mister Secretary reads aloud
That Smith or Jones has put down One PoundOne;
Then, if you've luck to get a hat, begone,
Unless you longing linger near the spot
To hear Should auld acquaintance be forgot."


MARCH
of Mind
in the
Privileged
Classes:

Marquess of
.W-
and other
such asses.

it 9
n P & 6

MARCH
of
Musical Science
also
'mong high
and low,
who jump
Jim Crow;








the force of
taste



can
no further
go!







THE COMIC ALMANACK. [838.




ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
An Irish Mellow-day.

IT was Paddy O'Murrough that lov'd Mistress Casey:
In ribbons for her he would squander his pelf;
And he swore that without her he'd never be aisy,
And sent her big praties to roast for herself.

He said she was Yanus, and Mars, and Apolly,"
And twenty more goddesses up in de skies:
And never tired praising her swate little ankle,
And her swate little mouth, and her swate little eyes.

Says he, Let de rest git dere bunches o' roses,
And stick 'em so iligant top o' dere head:
Och! Nora don't nade sich bamboozlificashin:
Her own purty locks is as bright an' as red.

"So, Nora, my darlint, now take pity on me-
Ochone! but 'tis luv is de terrible smart!
An och, bodderashin 'tis Misther O'Cupid
Wid his little shilaly is breaking' my heart !"

'Twas Lent when Pat said so,-but Nora said, No, Sir;"
She knew 'twas no use at that time to consent;
But by Mothering Sunday Pat found her much softer,
And before Lent was over, he saw her relent.

The day was soon fixed-Easter Monday, be sure,
The time seem'd to Pat a snail's gallop to go;
"By de hokey !" says he, "is it fast days dey call 'em ?
For fast days I think dey move murtherous slow."

At length Easter Monday arrived bright and gay,
Saint Patrick's Day too-nothing could be more pat.
To chapel away they all went-in a buss:
For a wedding, what carriage so proper as that?








ST. PATRICK'S DAY.


So the knot was soon happily tied-tho' I know
There are some in the world think it wrong thus to tie men;
That the poor have no right to get married at all;
And that low men have no sort of business with Hymen.

Return'd, they sat down to an iligant feast:
An divil the knife or the fork that lies idle;
There's praties in plenty, pig-puddings, and pork,
And a saddle of mutton, to match with the bridal.

And then comes the dance, and the drink, and the toast:
"Pat Murrough, your health-you're a broth of a b'y!"
Och! how tipsy they were! e'en the clargy himself,
Like Pity, was seen with a drop in his eye.

Then in comes Mick Larry, Pat Murrough's old rival,
With a lot of his friends from Sev'n Dials direct;
And och! what a scrimmige and murther entirely!
And then the police comes, the peace to protect.

Then straight to the beak Paddy Murrough is taken:
Mick Larry himself 'tis appears against Pat;
Says the beak, "You're with bigamycharged,PaddyMurrough!"
"Och, big'my! 'tis little I know sure of that !"

"What is it, your wurtchip ?" says Paddy.-Says he,
"'Tis a serious offence againstt the laws of the nation-
To marry two wives, which is bigamy call'd-
And the punishment death-or, at least, transportation.

" So take leave of your spouses, for I must commit you!"
Stop a minnit, my jewel!" says Paddy, says he :
" Sure I know'd very well what your wurtchip has tould me;
And so, to be safe, I got married to three !"








132 APRIL. [1838.









THE DARBY DAY.

COME, Bet, my pet, and Sal, my pal, a buss, and then farewell-
And Ned, the primest ruffling cove that ever nail'd a swell-
To share the swag, or chaffthe gab, we'll never meet again,
The hulks is now my bowsing crib, the hold my dossing ken.
Don't nab the bib, my Bet, this chance must happen soon or later,
For certain sure it is that transportation comes by natur;
His lordship's self, upon the bench, so downie his white wig in,
Might sail with me, if friends had he to bring him up to priggin;
And is it not unkimmon fly in them as rules the nation,
To make us end, with Botany, our public education ?
But Sal, so kind, be sure you mind the beaks don't catch you tripping;
You'll find it hard to be for shopping sent on board the shipping:
So tip your mauns afore we parts, don't blear your eyes and nose,
Another grip, my jolly hearts-here's luck, and off we goes!

SETTLING FOR THE HOAX.




3 Low SUNDAt. Facile est descensus-"

8 Sir I. Peel resigned, 1835.

To all the virtues of exalted station,
He adds the greater one of resignation.

15 Clock with Sun.
Caution.-Never undertake to get a lady's watch
repaired, or you will be held responsible
for its defects ever after.

24 Geological Society instituted, 1826.



Kind friends in need are they who make no bones,
When paupers ask for bread, to give them stones.









"p


APRIL., Low Sunday.








1838.]


ODE TO SIR ANDREW AGNEW:
AND ALL WIIOM IT MAY CONCERN.
Sm ANDREW AGNEW, oh! thou scourge of sinners,
,Thou legislator against vice
And nice
Hot Sunday dinners!
What shall we do
Now.thou art gone-thou and Sir Oswald* too--
To make men fast and pray
Each seventh day ?
Who now shall save us from sin's burning embers?
Now that we've lost our two old Marrowbone members ?
But seriously, Sir Andrew, do you think
There's so much harm in meat and drink ?
That a hot steak
Ate once a week
Shows a depraved state of society ?
That frizzled bacon
Argues a soul mistaken ?
And-pray don't start!-
That devil'd kidneys show a dev'lish heart ?
That there is irreligion in hot fry ?
And that cold pie alone is pie-ty ?
If so, begin, Sir, with the rich: ask these
To give up their ragouts, and stews, and fricassees.
I guess they'd think your application rather strange;
But if you will work out your Bill,
Believe me, you must take a wider kitchen range.
Then, Sir; you think it wrong
In 'bus or cab to ride along
The streets,
Intent on rural treats
At Hampstead, Islington, or Turnham Green;
But have you never seen
The crowd
Of knights and dames, on palfreys fierce and proud,
That fill
Hyde Park o' Sundays? I don't wish to tease,
But, Sir, for riders such as these,
There ought, I think, to be a rider to your Bill.
No doubt it's very wrong, and shows but little nous,
To go a tea-drinking, and making merry
At th' Eagle, Bosemary Branch, or Yorkshire Stingo;-
Chalk Farm's as vile, by jingo!
There's something very black about White Conduit House.
Richmond is sad;
And Twickenham's as bad:
And Hampton Wick is very wicked-very.
But, Sir,-excuse the freedom of my pen-
D'ye think that they
Who spend the day
Sir O. Moseley, who lost his election, they say, from having seconded Sir Andrews'
Sunday Bill.







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


At Tattersall's, in laying wagers
On Derbys, Oaks, and Legers,
Are better men?
And then, the Clubs!-where gambling of all kinds,
And vices such as daylight never saw,
Are carried on behind cast-metal blinds-
For these, Sir, can't you frame some new Club Law ?
Then, Sir, I know
You vote rat-killing low;
And wouldn't sit
For worlds in the Westminster Pit.
And so no doubt it is-extremely shocking;
But so is cocking!
And I have known full many a noble lord
(I have, upon my word,)
Fight cocks upon this day:
So pray,
Before for us poor folks you legislate,
Just try to quell this main-ia in the great.
Then music drives you mad:
And, Scotchman tho' you be,
I know
You wouldn't suffer even a Scotch fiddle;
And, as for "down the middle,"
And such-like tricks of Dame Terpsichore,
I've often heard you say they're quite as bad:
And that all persons merit a sound whipping
Who are found tripping.
(Apropos-
How you'd be shocked in France,
To see, Sir, a whole country dance !)
Mind! I don't say but that all this is wrong:
But is it worse, Sir, than the Sunday song
Of Grisi, Albertazzi, Betts, Rubini,
Lablache, or Tamburini?
And would it not be better first to wipe out
This sin among the high and mighty of the State,
Before you put the poor man's pipe out ?
For my part, I think Vivi tu
As wicked as All round my hat-don't you?
And really I don't know
How you can stop Jim Crow,
And let the rich
Carry their concerts, Sir, to such a concert pitch.
And, if, Sir, I may speak
My mind, your plan to gag our week
(Tho' done, perhaps, with very best intention)
Is but a weak invention.
Besides, Sir, here's a poser,-
At least to me it seems a closer,
And shows a shocking lack of legislative skill-
If nothing, Sir, 's to work from Saturdays to Mondays,
Pray how's your Bill
To work on Sundays ?


[1838,










































MA Y, "All a-growing!"


~~~B~5~
-~=S~`~~;S-~;;3Ef7;'3C~;--~~


~PL~


~----c k-
,~

~-r=
,I


~=-JT---~-







MAY.


BOWING AND HARROWING. MAY
OH! the Archers of Frogshot assemble to-day, the grand
And the fame of their doings has spread a great way;
In lacings and facings they're beaten by no men, Coronation
They've plenty of Beaux there, butvery few Bow-men. give jby
There are Misses to hit, who no longer will tarry,
And many Maid Mari-ans willing to marry; to the
There's a Robin Hood fierce with nobody to fear him, Nation !
And Tell shoots the apple of eyes that come near him';
There are Foresters, famous for eating a dinner, Sg l
And prizes, all sizes, but wanting a winner, 2
And Dames in a pet if they get their pet-dog shot;
And these are the deeds of the Archers of Frogshot. the
13 Edmund Kean d. 1833. QUEEN
AMATEUR THEATRICALS. live
Behold the beardless Flat, a fancied Rean; for ever !
The mawkish maid a stilted heroine;
Tailors, retailers, spread dismay around, huzza!
Heroes, by 9is ~Ententure," basely bound,
Braving the Chamberlain's portentous frown,
Wield the baton, or mount the paper crown; MAY
SBenounce their civic fetters for a throne ; T
For horses barter kingdoms not their own;
And find too late,-too soon, perhaps, by far,- and
The stage a half-way step from bench to bar.
That Queen, in satin train, was trained in camlet, Whigs
And he carves Ham who nightly cuts up Hamlet; run
The frail Jane Shore perchance is no impostor;
While Gloster's Duke by day serves double Gloster; no more
And 'tis but heaping Pelion on Ossa, of their
If Ross, the barber, shines as Barbarossa.
Then cheer up, Covent Garden courage, Drury rigs
Misfortune's storms in vain may vent their fury, r p 9
When counter, kitchen, garret, bench, and stall,
Send forth such champions to avert your fall. and
31 Joe Grimaldi d. 1836. John Bull
Farewell, transoendant Joe! have
Thou mirth-inspiring wight! less taxes
Who, tho' thou wert so Grim-all-day,
Yet mad'st us laugh at night. to pay







THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1838.

JOHN BUDD AND SUKEY SIMS.
SUSAMNA SIrs was under nurse
To little Messieurs Cole;
And John Budd was a gardener,
That lived at Camberwoll.
And John would often say to Sue,
We're for each other made:
For vy-ain't I a nursery-man,
And you a nursery-maid ?"
He said she was his pink, his rose,
His Clarkia Grandiflora:
And swore no love had ever root
Like to the love he bore her.
Yet still, whenever he talk'd thus,
She look at him quite gruff,
And Come now, Mister Budd," she'd say,
"None of your garden stuff!"
And every year, as spring came round,
With flow'rs of every hue,
He'd cull the fairest of them all,
And carry them to Sue.
But all in vain for him to bring
The sweetest buds of May;
For cruel Susan still turned up
Her nose at his nosegay.
Vainly in search of blossoms rare
He wandered to and fro:
She spurn'd them all; and every bloom
To him was a fresh blow.
And when he'd boast his pretty birds,
Their songs and merry freaks,
She'd say, John Budd, I doesn't care
A twopence for the beaks."
The fact was this, another swain
Had won fair Susan's heart-
The fancy-bread man, Sammy Twist-
For him she felt love's smart.
And still, while Oh! 'tis love, 'tis love !"
Was running in John's head,
Susanna Sims would sing, Oh! tell
Me where is fancy bread ?"
No doubt it was a puzzling state
To be in-that of Sue:
The baker's man was very poor,
John Budd was well to do.







JOHN BUDD AND SUKEY SIMS. I

One hour she'd say, I'll marry Sam;"
Another, "No, I wont."
Poor Susan Sims Love whisper'd Dough:"
But Interest said Don't."

At last Sue quite made up her mind
In favour of the baker;
And sent him word to say that he
Might come next day and take her.
Away they stole at early dawn:
And now, my pretty puss,"
Says he, "we'll have a cab." Says she,
"No; I prefers a buss."
They get in one of Shillibeer's,
And rode along Fleet Street,
(So called, I am told, because in it
You never can go fleet,)
When Crikey here's a pretty start !
Vere are you going, miss,
Vith that ere married man ?" sang out
The tiger of the 'bus.
Then Susan gave a shriek, and fell
Just like a piece of lumber;
And Sammy blew the tiger up,
And swore he'd take his number.
And then Sue opened half an eye,
And cried, in accents crack'd,
"Oh, Sam! how could you guilty be
Of such a marriage act ?"
Then Sammy for the Doctor ran-
At least he told 'em so.
He went: but as for coming back,
Alas! it was "no go."
And when at last poor Sue got home,
As pale as any lily,
She found a letter from John Budd:
And thus ran Johnny's billy:-
"I seed you get into the 'bus,
To be another's wife:
And so resolved to go and end
My wegetable life.
I've tuk an ounce of pois'nous stuff;
And when these lines you see,
Dear Susan, I shall be no more-
Alas !-
Your humble B-."







JUNE.


THE MARTYRDOM OF ST. PAUL'S.
On, CHARITY celestial dame!-I cannot call thee maid,
While. ev'ry year thy children dear make such a grand parade.
Ah 'tis a glorious sight to see thy little pauper brats
Parade the streets of Babylon like demi-drowned rats.
Before the sun's begun to run, they're startled from their nest,
And by their anxious mothers in the parish fin'ry dressed;
And how those mothers' hearts must leap with gratitude to see
Their offspring all so nicely clothed in that smart livery!
The girls all clad in worsted gowns, mob caps, and aprons white,
Like Lilliputian grandmothers,-a venerable sight:
The boys in pretty blanket coats of green or brick-dust red,
With tawny leather breeches, and a thrum cap on their head;
And then that splendid pewter badge, worth all the rest beside;
No medal worn by hero could inspire more honest pride.
While to the neighbours they're a mark of pleasant observation,
How must their happy mothers bless a parish education!
It is so very handy too, when in a crowd they're brawling,
To pick them out so easily, and save a world of bawling.
Oh! merry day of jubilee to every little sinner,
When ev'ry one receives a bun and goes without a dinner.
Ah, happy England! thou'rt indeed a charitable nation,
Thy charities thou dost without the slightest ostentation;
How proud it makes a Briton feel to view this glorious sight,
The' some there are too dull to share the exquisite delight.
I heard a surly cynic once thus vent his angry spleen,
As he with jaundic'd eye beheld the animated scene:-
" If this be Christian Charity, who loves abroad to roam,
"1 wish, instead of coming here, that she had stay'd at home.
" I'm sure she has no feeling for those wretched little dears,
" Or she'd not make them into jam all in that place of tiers.
"Whate'er Sir Robert Peel may say, or Tory folks may shout,
" I'm sure the pressure from within is worse than that without.'
" But little girls may swoon away, and little boys may bawl,
"None, in this age of intellect, now care for a child's call.
"The cannibals, who eat up folks, have always made a point
"To kill their two legg'd animals before they dress'd a joint;
"But Christian anthropophagites possess a nicer gouit,
"And cook their flesh alive whene'er they make a human stew."
Thus did he snarl and grumble at this glorious institution;
Some enemy he must have been to Britain's constitution,
For he who'd seek to work a change by pleading for humanity,
Must either be disloyal or the victim of insanity.


[1838.














JECU TEI gj


















J UN E, "The Queen's Own"







PROCLAMATION DAY.


-PROCLAMATION DAY.

HIP hip hurrah!
What a glorious day !
They're proclaiming the Queen-
Magnificent scene i
Look-there sits the Mayor!
That's his worship, I'll swear.
The bells are clanging;
The cannons are banging;
The big drums are playing;
The trumpets are braying;
The cymbals are ringing;
The people are singing,
" Victoria victorious,
Happy and glorious.
Long-to-reign-orious."
The Guards are advancing,
Kicking and prancing.
First the videttes
On their chargers-such pets!
Then comes the horse-doctor,
As grave as a proctor:
Then four pioneers,
With their axes-such dears !
And as sharp, ay, as needles.
And then come the beadles
(Messieurs Tomkins and Startin)
Of St. James and St. Martin.
After them the Guards' band,
So fierce and so grand.
The Marshals march next,
With their tits much perplex'd.
Then the Sergeants-at-Arms,
Looking full of alarms;
And the Heralds, whose dresses
Get in terrible messes.
Her Majesty's Garter
Comes figuring arter,
With his splendid gold tabard,
And sword in his scabbard;
And behind him is sergeants,
Who to-day think they are gents.
While the Horse-guards appear
To bring up the rear.
But let's change the scene a bit;
And look at the Queen a bit,







I40 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1838.
Giving audience to all,
Great, middling, and small.
Among the paraders
Are the royalty traders:
Her Majesty's hatter,
Gunsmith, and cravatter,
Royal builders of britchkas,
Brutus wigs, and false whiskers.
The Queen's top-boot maker,
And her own undertaker,"
Who says, with much fervour,
He'll be happy to serve her."
Then at night, what a sight,,
When the lamps are a-light,
Green, red, blue, and white;
And transparencies bright
Shiie from attic to floor-
T'here's a thousand or more.
In every street
Blazing lions you meet;
And, in letters of flame,
VICTORIA'S dear name.
But see there's a row
In the Poultry, I vow!
The windows are smashing,
The shutters go dash in:
The mob's in a rage
With poor Mister Page;
Whose luminous star,
With a W. R."
Has excited their wonder,
And raised all this thunder.
See Page now, in tears,
At the window appears;
And, with uplifted hands,
Their pleasure demands.
Shame! radical! traitor!
Wretch! spy agitator !"
Are the sounds that arise:
And at last some one cries,
What means W. R.'
A-top of your star P"
Lawk! is that all?" cries Page,
Almost bursting with rage,
Why, confound your necks !
It's WICTORIa -EX !'"





































JULY, F-iying Showers.
JU-LY, --- Fyiyng Showers.








JULY.


RAIL-ROAD TRAVELLING.

-I vow I'll go, and it shall be so, and I've said it, Mister Snip,-
This very day, come what come may, I'll have my railway trip.
There's Mistress King has been to Tring, and thinks herself so knowing-
I'm tired of waiting your debating, and it's time that we were going.

Well, Duck, though I never did dabble in foreign parts,-Law, Ma! how I
shall squeal when the engine starts.- For shame, child! as to fear it's
nothing but a notion ;-I declare I always feel the better for a little motion.
--Pray, mister, do you call this a first-class carriage because it goes double
fast?-No, ma'am, it's because we puts it behind, to be blow'd up last.-
See, they're pulling us along with a rope! very odd, upon my word.-Vy,
you carnt expect the hingins to go on their own ac-cord.- But just look
round at Hampstead and Highgate, while they slacken their pace,--And see,
they hook on the loco-motive What's that, Pa ? A thing they've a motive
for hooking on at this place.-- Here's Chalk Farm, where some run down
a hill, and some run up a score !-And there's the famous tunnel It looks
like a bit of a bore.--Oh, dear Oh, dear how dreadful dark I think
I'm going to die,-And I'm so hot I can't say my prayers but here's the
light of the sky.- See what a hole in my parasole, burnt by a red-hot
spark!-I only wish I knew who it was that was kissing me in the dark.-
Sare! I vender, Sare! ven dey vill put on de horses to draw!-Oh! horses
don't draw here; they're all hors d'emploi.- But how the hedges run past,
and the trees and the bridges, and the posts, and the cattle, and the people!
-This is just like ploughing the air! Yes, and there goes Harrow Steeple.
S- On, on we spin, with a clack and a din, like a mighty courser snorting,
Sblowing.-Well, how do you like the railroad now ? Oh I think it's the
Swonderful'st thing that's going.- Ladies, here's Watford; we can stop if
You've had enough of your ride.-But perhaps you'd rather go on; there's
a long tunnel on the other side.- Oh! I'm so frighted at the thought I
can scarcely speak !-Gracious! I'm so delighted! I hope we shall stay in
for a week.-Well, if that's the case, as you came out for a little pleasure,
1 shall leave you at the tunnel, and you can go through at your leisure.


20 Professor Playfair d. 1819. _
Thimble-rig Jubilee.


28 Infernal Machine in France, 1835.
Ditto ditto in England I







142 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1838.

THAT MISTER NUBIBUS.
READER, my name's Nubibus. I am "that Romeo." My ruling
passion is a taste for the rurals. My love of green fields may be
almost termed a green sickness. You may talk of your ottomans
and your fauteuils, I never sit so easy as in a rustic chair. But,
unhappily, my pleasure is not without a damper. The rain is my
most mortal foe: my skies are always cloudy: my trees are con-
tinually on the drip: my Pan is always a Watering Pan. At the
moment of my birth, even, it was observed that the watchman was
going his rounds and crying, Past four o'clock, and a rainy morn-
ing:" and many of my best friends think it likely that my last days
will be accompanied by a drop.
Last Friday was a notable instance of my unluck. The morning
was most beautiful-sun shining, birds singing, weather-glass down
at Stormy, and Moore's Almanack at Heavy Bain-everything, in
short, promised a fine day; and I immediately dressed myself in my
most summery attire, and set off to join Mrs. Timon Duggins's pic-
nic party to Battersea Fields. I found all the company already
assembled in her little parlour, in Greek Street, Soho, and I could
hear them greet my arrival with, Oh! here's that Mr. Nubibus !
we're sure to have rain if he comes." However, I took no notice of
their impertinences, but calmly brushed the dust off my gossamer
pumps, to show that I had no fear on my own account: tho', sooth
to say, I had taken care not to come without my old friend, my
walking-stick umbrella. Well, off we set, took boat at Hungerford
Stairs, and reached our place of destination without misadventure.
Miss Arabella Dix was the first lady to land, which she did by step-
ping into a squashy place among the rushes, from which she came
out with an abundant supply of mud and water, and not without
an angry look at me, as much as to say, "Ay, it's all thro' that Mr.
Nubibus!" But this was not the worst. Gallantry forbade that
Miss Arabella should remain in her unfortunate dampness while
there were so many dry gentlemen in company: and, as it unluckily
turned out that mine was the only small foot of the party, I was
obliged to give up my dry pumps to Miss Arabella; tho' I own it
went to my very sole to do so.
Oh! how I do love the country !" exclaimed Miss Arabella, as
soon as she had established herself in my dry shoes; "the sky, the
water, the trees, how delightful!" I felt as if I could have hugged
her. My taste to a T.
"And there there's a spectacle that lovely rainbow !" I felt
as if I could have committed homicide upon the provoking creature,
and clenched my walking-stick umbrella with the force of a maniac.
On came the rainbow; clap went the thunder; down poured the
rain-cats and dogs, puppies and kitlings. All eyes were turned
upon me reproachfully. Up went umbrellas and parasols; out came
cloaks and Mackintoshes. An air of triumph seemed to pervade
the company as they remarked that there were no means of shelter
left for me. I let them enjoy their triumph for a while, and then I







THAT MISTER NUBIBUS.


quietly unscrewed the top of my walking-stick umbrella. My
walking-stick umbrella, did I say ? Alas I had brought my bamboo
telescope instead.
Young Ariel Hicks, a young gentleman of fifteen years of age,
and as many stones weight, now offered me a share of his parapluie;
but, as Hicks was only four feet two inches in height, and I stood
five feet ten in my shoes (or rather, in Miss Arabella's), I was soon
tired of doing penance in the form of a letter S, and boldly declared
my utter contempt for all kinds of showers, and thunder-showers
in particular. What made our situation still more provoking, was
the presence of an opposition pic-nic party in the adjoining field,
cosily enjoying themselves under a waterproof tent, from the en-
trance of which a grinning face would every now and then peep out,
evidently in high glee at our miserable appearance. The weather
getting clear, it was proposed to have a ramble among the green
trees: but the Dryads and Hamadryads turning out to be anything
but what their name imported, we were glad to escape from their
dripping bowers with all possible speed. Hungry as wolves, and
shivering with cold, we now addressed ourselves to Mrs. Timon
Duggins, who had undertaken to be purveyor to the whole party.
Mrs. Timon Duggins was as hungry as we. But where was Mr.
Gunterses young man P-Mr. Gunterses young man, that she (Mrs.
D.) had ordered to be on the ground punctually at two o'clock ?"
Echo, and several of the young ladies and gentlemen answered
"Where P" But still Mr. Gunter's young man appeared not. At
last Mrs. Timon Duggins, employing one end of her spectacles as
an eye-glass, exclaimed, Why, there he is!" and there, sure enough,
we saw him, standing with his baskets on his arm, watching the
departure of the rival party, who were merrily sailing down the
river to the tune of the Canadian Boat Song, sung by the whole
strength of the company. The young jackal was soon summoned,
and bid to spread the repast: but what was our horror on learning
that he had mistaken the rival party for ours, and suffered them to
eat up all our provisions. Half dead with cold and hunger, we
turned the baskets inside out: but nothing was left except a few
ices and a bottle or two of ginger-beer!
By great good fortune one of the Twickenham steamers was just
then going by, and as Ariel Hicks, who was an amateur sailor, had
some acquaintance with the skipper, he succeeded in procuring us
some prog from the vessel. We had scarcely got our knives and
forks well fixed in it, however, when the rain again began to fall in
torrents, and we were glad to get away to our boats and Mackin-
toshes. Our voyage home was not less disastrous. The boat had
been filled to about ankle deep by the late heavy rains, and we were
obliged to sit all the way with our feet held up above high-water
mark-except those who thought proper to put them in the wet by
way of relief.
The next morning there was but one answer to all inquiries-
"Our compliments, and we're very ill in bed of colds and rheu-
matisms; and it's all owing to that Mister Nubibus."








144 AUGUST. [1838.

CHEAP BATHING.

I scoRN the rules of Fashion's fools, their scoffings and their Now
sneers, the
To the ocean spray I haste away from people and from piers. Dog
I love to ride in the flowing tide 'mid the summer's gentle gales, Days
And to seem the monarch of the sea, or at least the Prince of have
Whales.
Like porpoise brave, in the briny wave, I flounder and I flirt, begun,
And now I stand upon the land-Oh, murder where's my ten
shirt ? times
Yes, there it goes, and all my clothes-stay, sacrilegious hotter
wretches! is
Take coat and hat, and black cravat, but give me back my the
breeches Sun.
This is the spite of Mistress White-the foulest in the Nation- If, in
Because I scouted her machine ; it is her machination, walking
But, hark! I hear, there's some one near-in vain I hope to Regent
hide; trt
They'll say I'm not a tidy man, for going in the tide. Street,
Oh dire disgrace I'll screen my face behind this fisher's basket, crowds
And those who do not know my name, I hope wont stop to ask of
it 1 puppies
you
16 Andrew Marvel d. 1678. No wonder, should
meet,
Joe Miller d. 1738. No joke. do not
kick
18 Rebel Lords beheaded, 1746. the
harm-
Treason doth never prosper-what's the reason? less
Why, when it prospers, none dare call it treason, things,
but
22 Gall d. 1828. recollect
What
Never suffer a phrenologist to pass judgment on your head, Shaks-
or, ten to one, you may hear something unpleasant. peare
sings,
recollect
the
ancient
No occasion to move A move on occasion, say,
every
Pray, Ma'am, can you move ever such a little scrinch ? Indeed, dog
Marm, its quite unpossable for me to stir an inch.-Well, if I'd shall
stay'd at Dorking I should have sat more at my ease, but I thought have
it best to leave such a nest, for we're all swarming alive with his
fleas.-Then I'll take my leave, Marm, to shift a little further day.
from where you are sitting for though I don't like to be crushed, I
don't choose to be bitten.










































AUGUS.T, "'Sic Omnes'


~E~i~h. /
" F~ge Cn~sh~nk










PLEASURING.
Miss Henrietta Julia Wiggins, on her Travels, to Miss Adelaide Theresa Ditto,
in Bucklersbury. With a short Postscript from Mamma, and another from
Papa.
"Ma chire S&ur-According to promise, I now send you the journal of my
tour; but, hdlts! if you expect it has been a happy one, you trompez yourself
most sadly. Mon dieu! the sufferings we have undergone Mais voila the
journal.
MONDAY, SEPT. 1.-Embarked on board the "Emerald" steamer at London
Bridge for Boulogne, at one o'clock in the morning, after having passed a
miserable night in packing up, and trying to go to sleep in easy chairs. Pa
complaining of symptoms of lumbago.-All the berths taken, mostly by gentle-
men-or rather, by monsters in the form of gentlemen. Mon dieu what brutes
the English men are! to suffer us poor helpless femelles to pass the night on
deck, while they are snoring away comfortably in the cabins Ma's blue silk
pelisse was soon put hours de combat by the nasty tar and stuff, and my new
French-white bonnet was turned into a regular London smoke in ten minutes
:by the horrid chimney.-Ma has made the acquaintance of a very nice Dame
Frangaise, who speaks pretty good English, and abounds in anecdotes about
la grande nation. Also, has kindly taken charge of one of Ma's sacs de nuit; as
she says the French douaniers won't allow people to land more than one carpet-
bag a-piece, and Ma not choosing to leave her valuables at the mercy of those
vilains bites, the custom-house officers. Moi aussi, j'ai fait connaissance with a
charming fellow, the Marquis de Mandeville, a young militaire, in black
moustaches and a green foraging cap.-Marquis beginning to make himself very
agreeable; in fact, becoming quite amoureux, when both taken suddenly ill, and
obliged to part. Ah Adelaide dear! it's a sad change, from love-sick to sea-
sick! French lady very kind, and asked me if I had the mal de mere-thought
she meant my mother's complaint," which you know is rheumatism in
the hips-answered accordingly, and got horribly laughed at by a lot of rude
fellows in make-believe sailors' jackets.-Ma next attacked-Pa next-tout le
monde soon in the same plight. Sensation dreadful-headache worse and worse
-Ma wanted to be set down at Dover, but Captain wouldn't hear of it. French
lady very attentive-would fetch tumblers of brandy and water for Pa and Ma
and me-couldn't drink a drop-shie did, and wasn't sick at all. Obliged to stop
my journal-so very ill.
TUESDAY, Boulogne-Landed here half dead, having lost the tide, and obliged
to pass another night at sea. All very ill. Pa's lumbago confirmed, and Ma's
rheumatism tris mal.-Unable to go to Paris; and our places having been paid
for all the way, obliged to forfeit the money; Pa very cross, Ma very in-
comfortable. 5 o'CLocK, P.M.-Pa has just been in to say that the French lady
refuses to give up Ma's sac de nuit, containing all her valuables; and that, as it
waslanded in her name, there's no remedy.-A call from Marquis-advises us
not to make a rumpus about it, for fear of being taken up as smugglers. His
lordship's valet not being yet arrived, under the unpleasant necessity of borrow-
ing five pounds of Pa. Pa very suspicious, until Marquis showed us his pass-
port, where they have taken him two black eyes, a nose aquilin, black cheveux,
and five feet three inches of taille. Only think, Adelaide dear! what a picture
of a lover!
WEDNESDAY.-Passed a dreadful night, not having been able to sleep a
winkfor the punaises. Ma bit all over, and her face as big as two. Moiaussi,
my eyes completely swelled up, all but one little corner, just enough to see what
a fright I am in the looking-glass. Unable to get any assistance from the
people at the inn, our manuel du voyageur not containing any dialogue between
a chambermaid and a lady bitten by bugs; and Pauline, Ma's maid, that she
hired by advertisement, having left us the moment we landed, her only motive
in engaging herself at all being to get her passage paid back to her native
country.-Can't get anything that we can eat at the inn, and reduced to sea
L







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


[1838.


biscuits and water. I have again tried to make our wants known to the fille de
chambre, but without success, they do speak such very bad French in the
provinces-quite a patois, in fact. Hope we shall do better in Paris.-Marquis
called, and recommended Pa to hire a valet de place. Kindly undertook to pro-
vide him one, who speaks French and English, and understands the horrible
patois of the Boulognese. This will take a good deal off my hands, who am
obliged to be interpreter to the whole party.-Alexis, the new' valet de place,
arrives.-Got something eatable at last, and are to start for Paris domain matin.
THRSDnAY.-Up at five. Dijenner, and start for Paris at seven-Marquis
in same diligence. Weather dreadfully hot. Rival diligence got the start, and
will keep before us all day, the French laws not allowing one coach to pass
another. Dust dreadful-and worse for us than any of the rest, as we had
taken our seats in front of the voiture, for the sake of seeing the country--and,
after all, no country to see. Proposed to some gentilhommes inside to change
places with Ma and me; but met with a flat refusal. Begin to think French
gentlemen are not much more poll than English ones.-Dined at Abbeville, and
arrived at Amiens late at night, very tired and ill.
"FnIDAY.-Up at Tive, after a sleepless night. Started at seven. Heat
come hier-dust ditto : lwo diligences before us.-Dined, or rather table d'h6te'd
(which is a very different thing) at Clermont. Didn't oat an ounce all three of
us, but obliged to pay five francs a-piece for our dinners-and, as we had no
francs left, the people kindly consented to take English shillings instead.-Ma
and I quite ill, from heat, and dust, and fasting, and one thing or another; and
Pa's lumbago much worse since the heavy thunderstorm which soaked thro'
his waterproof hat, and ran off his Mackintosh into his shoes, till they were all
of a squash.-Seeing our distress, three French gentlemen inside kindly con-
sented to relinquish their seats in our favour, an offer which we gladly accepted.
The French are really polite, apris tout!-10 O'CLOCK, i la nult I-Arrived in
Paris at the Hotel de Lyon, the Marquis very politely handing us out, and seeing
us to our room.-Rather annoyed by Pa's coming in and kicking up a rumpus
about the gentlemen who had taken our paid places on the premiPre banquette,
and who had left him to pay -for the three insides all the way from Boulogne.
-Marquis very aimable, and gave us all a pressing invitation to pay him a visit
at his chateau in La Vendee.
SATuRDAY.-The Marquis to breakfast.-With his Lordship to the Jardin
des Plantes, where we had no sooner arrived among the lions and tigers than it
began to rain cats and dogs. The noble Marquis very kind in holding the
umbrella over him and me, and sending Pa to call a coach at the neighboring
coach-stand. Pa tris long-tens away-at last saw him coming along in the
custody of two gend'armes, covered with mud and dirt, and bleeding profusely.
Learned that poor Pa, instead of calling 'cocher,' as he ought to have done,
had called the man cochon,' which, you know, means 'pig;' at which the
coachman at first laughed; but Pa persisting in calling him 'cochon,' he at
last got down in a rage, and attacked Pa most furiously. I am sorry to say, poor
Pa got terriblement maltraild. Ma has been in fits ever since, and Pa won't be
able to go out for weeks. Pour moi, I am as ill as any one can be-nothing but
the Marquis's kindness keeps me alive. "
P.S.-SUNDAY.-My dearest child! Your unhappy mother sends you this.
Your deluded sister disappeared last night with the Marquis de Mandevil,
leaving this unfinished letter on her table, and your Pa and me both heart-
broken. I am too ill to write any more.
Your miserable mother,
BERTHA WIGGINS."
"P.S.-MONDAY.-Dear daughter! Your distressed father sends you this.
Your unhappy mother eloped last night with that villain Alexis-and all th'
luggage. I have discovered that he and the Marquis are a couple of sharpers.
A pretty week we have made of it!
Your wretched father,
BARTHOLOMEw WIGGINS."












COUNTRY COMMISSIONS.

Mr. Hume moved for a list of all Commissions issued between the 1st of April, 1836,
and the 1st of April, 1837, and of the expenses incurred thereon."
Parliamentary Register.

TWENTY times have I taken my pen,
And began my dear Julia's name,
Twenty times have I dropped it again,
For I'm burning all over with shame.

How lucky I am to possess
A kind friend to rely on, like you !
And-'tis shocking-I'm bound to confess
That my billets are all billets-do.

But to come to the point, dearest dear,-
Your affection will pardon it all-
You must know, the long thread of our year
Is wound up by an annual ball.

Only think in this dismal abode
To have nothing that's stylish or new !
We are centuries out of the mode,
Though we live in a manor, 'tis true.

And I want a few trifles in haste;
'Tis too bad-for you've plenty to do-
But I know you've such excellent taste,
And I'll leave it entirely to you.

So get me, from Waterloo Place,
(What you pay I shall never regard)
Twenty yards of the best Brussels lace,
At exactly two guineas a yard.

From Harding's twelve yards of French satin,
That beautiful pearly-white hue-
'Tis a matter, I know, that you're pat in,
So I'll leave it entirely to you.

Of course, there can be no objection
To make it a bargain quite plain,
That if it don't suit my complexion
You'll trouble them with it again.
L2








148 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1838.

Five bouquets of roses from Foster's,
And a circlet of white Marabott-
(I consider all others' impostors,
But I leave that entirely to you.)

Un oiseau paradise may be sent
To surmount a chapeau paille de riz
For mamma-for she's never content-
How different, dear Julia, from me!

There is but one man in the town,
Who can make me a white satin shoe;
,Do find him, and send me some down,
So I'll leave it entirely to you.

Oh! a scarf I shall want, by-the-bye,
Of that very particular hue
Which belongs to the Seraph's blue eye,"
(In dear Moore,) so I leave it to you.

And now I'm equipped for my jig,
I'll finish my begging petition-
(Pa says I'm as bad as a Whig;
Such a dab to get up a commission.)

But I'll thank you to buy, for Miss Green,
A nice little stone and a muller;
And just paper enough for a screen-
Every sheet of a different colour.

Here's a note for Miss White at the Tower;
You must take it some day before two,
For she always goes out at that hour,
So I leave it entirely to you.

If it's all in your way coming back,
Just call at the Grove, Kentish Town,
And look in at the school of young Black-
His mamma wants to know if he's grown.

And next summer, when Pa comes to town,
He shall pay you whatever is due,
If you'll send the particulars down;
But I'll leave that entirely to you.








































SEPT-M-BtR. Michaelmas Gander







1838.] SEPTEMBER. 49


1 St. Giles. The faithful Scroggins lifted to the skies, ..
A consternation in his Molly's eyes.
6. Stratford Jubilee, 1769.
"Mother! mother! take in the clothes: here be the players
a-coming!"

THE HARVEST SUPPER.
The latest load from the field is come,
"Hip! Hip! Hip for the Harvest Home !"
The guests they throng to the feast in swarms,
More men than manners, more chairs than forms;
And wouldd puzzle a lawyer here to point,
And prove that the times are out of joint.

I love fat fowls in a bill of fare,
Yet this for ever I will declare,
That the dish, however it may be scorned,
For a harvest supper is beef that's corned.

I love a dame of the good old sort,
The piano not her only forte,
Her sons, who something know beside
To break a pointer, drink, and ride;
And daughters, who return from school,
To feed the pullets, not dance la poule.

There are some that gather, who do not grow,
And some that reap, who are but sow-sow,
But the honest farmer, blunt and plain,
Who has never learned to drink champagne
(Like some, or else I'm much mistaken,
Who pinch the poor to save their bacon),
May plenty crown his peaceful dome,
And Hip Hip! Hip! for his Harvest Home."

15 Newspaper Stamp Duty reduced, 1836.
Chancellor of the Exchequer brought to his last penny.

29 Michaelmas Day. De Goostibus non est disputandum.







150 [1838.

APROPOS OF THE GOOSE.
DEAR UNCLE, accept our best thanks
For your very nice Michaelmas treat;
Such a beautiful bird I ne'er saw,-
So tender! so young! and so sweet!
My wife and myself both declare,
Since we tied the hymeneal noose,
We never before clapp'd our eyes
On so fine-so delicious a goose!
"The brats are all well. Little Sam
Is a Solomon quite for his age:
Such a mimic! We've serious thoughts
Of bringing him up to the stage.
He already takes off you and aunt,
Her way of exclaiming The dooce!"
He can imitate cocks, hens, and ducks,
Apropos, many thanks for the goose.
"Our eldest we've christened at last,
After you and my uncles at York,-
John James Paul Ralph George Job Giles Mark:
And Eliza's beginning to talk.
Little Arthur has lost a front tooth,
And another is getting quite loose:
They both want to know when you'll come;
And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.
"Little Hal's as like you as two peas,-
So lively, so smart, and so jaunty!
And dear little Emily Ann
Is grown quite the, moral of aunty.
Selina's translating in French
The voyage of Mister P6rouse;
And Amelia has knit you a purse;
And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

"Little Ellen's begun to sol-fa,
And her master, the Chevalier Bafill,
Declares that he never yet heard
Child sing so exceedingly small.








i838.]


APROPOS OF THE GOOSE.

Little Tom's quite a sportsman become;
He has caught a young hare in a noose,
And sends you the skin to have stuff'd:
And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

"Your godson's beginning to draw,-
You remember the rogue-little Mike ?
He has chalk'd you and aunt on the wall;
And really they're laughably like.
Such spirits I never yet saw;
SHe's just like a tiger let loose:
And Sue means to work you a screen,
And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

"Your museum, I hope, goes on well:
But, Uncle, take care of your eyes;
And pray don't, with microscopes, look
So much at those very small flies.
I send you the horn of a deer,
(I believe it's a species of moose,)
And the quill of a real black swan;
And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

"I hope you ride out every day;
It's the first thing on earth for the health,
Without which, as I've oft heard you say,
What's honours, and station, and wealth P
But, dear Uncle, pray never more mount,
That wild thing you bought of Lord Roos:
But you are so exceedingly bold !
Did I thank you before for the goose?

"P.S.-Could you lend me ten pounds
Till Christmas My lease is just out,
And I've no one to' fly to but you:
Dear Sir-By-the-bye, how's your gout P-
The interest of course I shall pay,
Five per cent.-Is your cough getting loose P-
You can send it per post-and, dear Nunks,
Many thanks for that duck of a goose."








152 OCTOBER. [1838



1 London Parcels Delivery Comp. estab. 1837. Messuages
delivered.


TRIUMPH OF TEE-TOTALISM.
DERE FRIEND,
I rite to inform you our caws is quite the top of the tree in these
parts, nerely all the publicks is ruined and shut up quite private, the
checkers is xchecker'd-the baileaves is in at the rosemary bush-and there's
not a sole to shake hands at the Salitation-nothing but whimpering at the
whine waultz, instead of dancing and tostication so the wendors of spirits
is quite dispirited and at the hintermedihate nobody wont go to be drunk on
the premises. Our parson hoo nose the sin of spiritual lickers as inroled
itself and some of the jentry as hates gin as joined us, the squire too sais he
will sine and sail with us as long as he dosnt go out of site of port. We
holds quite a strong meeting weakly but drinks nothing but Tee total and as
abolisht XX entire and marches quite connubial together round the pump to
the tune of Andle's water music but we as now less occasion for the spout and
shall soon dew altogether without my unkle which is a relashun you will be glad
to hear for as we have left off our cups we have less need of the balls, but I am
sorey to sea all our happytites is sadly increased witch is wery detrimental and
hilconvenent at this critearyon of the ear. We was extorted last weakly
meeting by a new member a norrid drunkerd but now quite a reform car
rikter sins his money was all gone and nobody wont trust him. His discoors
was quite headyfying for he is a tailer and goos about in the good case since
he left off gozzling. Before he jined us he was alwise stupid drunk and
beating his wit and now he never gives his mind to licker. Just at the be
ginning he was quite affecting and could not get on without a go of brandy
which we thought very rum He as given up his trade witch was his sole
dependanse sinse he lost all his plaices and know dout he will be trew to us
til somtbink else befalse. Dere friend these is the first Hoctober as we as
passed without a brewing witch it looks rather brown but hope to bear it-
and we are getting quite hammerous of our tease witch at first was very
tormenting but now the slow leaves goes off as fast as gunpowder and them,
has as gardings makes the low-queer mixter, but I am afeard I'm'a bit of a
bore as the learned pig sed and so conclood
Dere friend affeckshionately
ToBIAS' PUMPSWILL.

25 St. Crispin's Day. _
Wanted ,a Closer." .






































OCTOBER, Battle of A-gin-court. (Petty France)-











JOE COSE IN LONDON TO PH(EBE BUTTERCUP IN
THE COUNTRY.

"0 DEER Feby sich a plase lunnun is yew Havent got a single
hidear i only wish yew was Hear yew wood sune hav al the tethe
Stole out off yewr hed ass for sites Bles yewr week ize i hav sea
every think & haven't had no time for Nothink only luvving yew &
Sory yew rote them 4 ubbrading ninepeny letters which rely doant
Bleav as yewr Makeing me a pressant of the Kichin sithers at part-
ing has Bean abl to Cut our luv in 2 0 deerist Feby the sithers must
be very Sharp grun indede ass cood Severe sich hiv ass ourn i hav
bean to the Tip top of St palls & Drunk my share off 2 botis off wisky
inside the bal which is quite a rume But must confes i never was in
sich a Bal rume in al my life the vew is rely Wunderfull newer sea
so much smoak together in al my Days also hav bean to sea the lions
in the towr which their is no sich thing to be Seen & the same of the
brittish mewseam wear i was Told i shood sea al sorts of Live creturs
but turnt out nothing but Stuff also hav Bean to doory lane &
Comon Gardn & my i Feby sich acting & singing Fillips partickler
tawk of Garick i am sur he is ass Depe as Garick & mister Brayam
sings Deper & deper still also hav Bean lukky anuff to sa the young
quean which deer Feby she is no moor Like a quean then yew ar
namely instead of a crown on her hed ass she orts to hav her Rial
hiniss had nothing but a common Bonit & instead of a septer in her and
nothing but a Grene silk parrysawl only Think Feby of ruling a
nashun like Grate briton with a grene silk parrysawl also hav ad a
interview with the duk of Welinton which instead off Bean the Grate
ero they giv him out to be is quite a Litel chap & deerest Feby cood
Lik him my self & stand of 1 leg then theirs the parks ide Park St
jamess & Regency park lately Threw open to the public which is a
grate advarntige in regard of meting nuss mades which ide Park &
kensinton gardens was rely getting so Low did i tel yew befour of the
stem pakits on the riwer they ar al as one as stage coaches namely
going upon weels & Carying inside & out pasingers only instead of
osses is Drawd alung by nothing but Chimblys to be Short with yew
i hav sea almost evrythink But not yet ad the pressure off Bean
pressant at a Dredfull fire tho they was 6 ouzes Burnt only a strete
of last tewsdy nite & a hold gentel man Jumt out off a 2 pare off
stares windy on to a Pattant air fetherbed only unfortynat the made
forgot toBlo it up in the morning and consiquensialy the hold gemman
instead off Braking his fal only Broke 2 off his ribs i was lukky anuff
to sea a yung wumman Drownded in the sirpintine which she wood
hav Savd her life if it hadent Bean for 1 off the umain sasietys men
Getting intangld in her petty cotes & kepingher hed too lung under
Warter also sea a hold wumman nokt Down by a noo please & 3
men kild by Safety cabs to say nothing off hacksidents by homini-







154 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1838.
bus which is no under seeing the number they Cary which yew no'
Siting down 13 is unlukkines itself also Bean pressant at a Dredfull
drunken row in a coart in pety france which master and me Geting
into the Coart end we was quite jamd in & in Devvaring to cut our
Lukky receevd several Unlukky blos but at last the noo please
Arivd & evry Sole tuk to his Eels & as master laffably sed instead off
the Bati of a Gin court turnt out the Bati of Runnymede but deerest
Feby doant Bleav in the midi off al this plessuring nayther master
nor me is appy inlunnun i asure yew we ar quite Contrayry & artily
Repent as ever we Consentid to becum parliament men for West
stafordsheer which befour we was hindipendant members we cood Do
ass we likt But now just Revers & ar quite tide by our 4 legs master
as Bean admit at crokfuds a notoryus hel but poor feller he finds
hisself quite out off his Hellyment & indede boath him & me is
quite at a Los without our old friends the Cows & shepe & yew &
missis & al the rest off the beests ass we hav Bean ust to al our lives
& master is grew quite thin in consequents & Bleav me Feby tho i
doant Take in my waste cotes so menny oles i mis yew quite ass
much ass master missis missis we spend al our Spar time in Smith
feeld which is the only rele pressure we hav Smith feeld is just the
same ass 1 of our own feels in West stafordsheer only no gras nor
no eges nor no riks of hay nor no Stiles to sit a coartin on But ful of
orses & cows & carves & pigs & shepe & other Beestly sites 0 them
deer pigs ow Glad i was to ear there wel none vices it quite put me
in mind of yew & deer Butermilk villige & i rely cood have Stade a
earin them squele al day Lung which deerest Feby doant Bleav wat i
say about the pigs is al Gammon we hav got a Bewtifull ous in pel
mel & the yung ladys ar very Gay mis Jewlia is very fond off
Sowlogical gardening & gos every day to Studdy the hannimils at the
regency Park also mis Jawgeny rides out evry.mornin on her pony
with James the noo sirvent behind on 1 off the hold coch orses which
as Bean clipt & his tale Cut thurrow bred for the okasion the sir-
vents is al very'wel & my duty to yewr farther & ow is yewr sister
Suzn & poor litl nock need Nely & abuv at deerest luv Ows yewr
mother Respecktiv cumps to al yewr old felow sirvents & Pleas
exept yewrself deerest Feby
from yewr adorable
JOE COSE.

P S. 0 Feby Feby wear al in a huprore sins Riting my abuv we
hav found out mis Jewlia only went Sowlogical gardening for a xcuse
to mete her luvver & is boath loped away gudnes or rather Badnes
nose wear Allso the same of mis Jawgeny & James the noo sirvent
ass i told yew off 'but Bles yewr art was no sich thing but only a
luvver in disgize & wen we al thort him a Real lakky turnt out
nothing but a Vally de Sham.








NOVEMBER.


THE PRAISE OF PUNCH.

I LOVE thee, PUNCH! with all thy faults and failings,
S Spite of the strait-laced folks and all their railings;
I love thee in Lhy state etherial,
Thou grateful compound of strange contradictions!
j Filling the brain with Fancy's vivid fictions:
S Thou castle-building wight!
Urging Imagination's airy flight;
Chasing blue devils from their dismal revels;
Spurning this sombre world of selfish sadness,
And changing sounds of woe to notes of gladness:
Called by whatever name,
Rum, Rack, or Toddy,-thou soul without a body !
Thy welcome is the same.
I like-wise love thee in thy state material,
Thou merry fellow, PUNCHINELLO !
Thou chip of an old block !
Thou wooden god of fun !-practical pun !
Thou hearty cock!
Thou dissipator of Policeman's vapours,
In whose grim face,
Ting'd with the blueishness of nothing-to-doishness,
We oft may trace
A grin as he beholds thee cut thy capers.
"Pet of the Petticoats!" lov'd of Servant Maid,
So neat and staid;
S Who, from the area steps, with furtive eyes,
S surveys thy antics in a mute surprise;
Belov'd of Errand Boy! who little cares
For weighty matters he unconscious bears,
"--Lt- -If PUNCH in all his glory stops his way,
Tempting the varlet with a priceless play.
Delight of young and old, of great and small!
Tho' of each grosser passion thou'rt the slave,
Albeit thou'rt rake and rogue, and thief and knave,
Of ev'ry grace and goodness quite bereft,
With not a virtue to redeem thee left;
Spite of thy faults, oh, PUNCH! we love thee all!
And hence thy Wooden Worship dost impart
A moral sound to every conscious heart:
Thou show'st us, PUNCH, that we're not over-nice
When wit and humour are allied to vice.
But as thy close acquaintance brings hard knocks
On wooden blocks,-
So, if we'd 'scape a world of awkward trouble,
Whene'er in real life we meet thy double
(And rogues of thews and sinews, flesh and blood,
Are not so harmless quite as those of wood),
Let us observe this rule,-this prudent plan-
Enjoy the humour, but avoid the man.







156 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1839.

AN ADVENTURE OF A GUY.

IN days gone by, ere George the Third was king,"
Or men had heard the names of Burke or Swing,
Lived an old hunks in London's famous city,
Who had a niece, fair, buxom, wise, and witty.
And this fair maiden, being past fifteen,
Had got a lover-young Alonzo Green-
A youth of goodly parts and handsome mien.
But, as Alonzo was extremely poor,
Old hunks had in his face banged-to the door;
And ever after, that his niece might be
More safe, he kept her under lock and key.
But still they corresponded-thro' the means
Of an old woman who sold herbs and greens:
And thus the lovers planned to run away,
And get them married one Gunpowder Day.
Alonzo was to come disguised as Guy;
And while the mummers played their mummery,
A real Guy was to be deftly placed
Within the chair, while he ran off in haste
To hide him till old hunks was fast asleep;
When thro' the garden window they could creep,
And, down a silken ladder gently gliding,
Soon find some happy bower for love to hide in.
So said, so done (in those days men would vie
Who best should entertain the loyal Guy:
All else got mobbed as friends of popery):
The-mummers were admitted, Guys exchanged,
And everything was done as pre-arranged.
Now all is still: old hunks locks up the house:
Alonzo lies as quiet as a mouse:
When lo! he hears a step upon the floor-
And then, old hunks arrives-and locks the door
The fact was this: a rival of our swain,
Who'd tried to win the niece's heart in vain,
Had bribed a mummer to reveal the plot,
Which thus to the old hunks's ears had got.




































The Gunpowder Plot or Guys in Council.







AN ADVENTURE OF A GUY.


Now to the maiden's room the grey-beard flies,
And, deaf to all her prayers, and tears, and sighs,
Bids her prepare for instantaneous flight:
A coach will come for her that very night.
Even as he speaks, she hears the horrid wheels:
And down the stairs her hated guardian steals.

Just then the rival swain resolved to try
If he, in semblance of another Guy,
Cannot induce the maid with him to fly;
Hastes to her room, softly the window opes,
And then lets fall his ladder of silk ropes.
The maid deceived, his rashness gently chides,
Then down the silken ladder nimbly glides.

Meanwhile, Alonzo, finding himself trapped,
Without a notion how the thing had happ'd,
Opens his window, down his ladder slips,
And straightway to his lady's casement trips.
What is his wonder when his rival's ropes
He sees! What are his joys, his fears, his hopes,
When at the window he discerns his bride,
And sees her down the ladder safely glide!
All this, of course, is on the garden side.
In front, old hunks has settled all his schemes:
Of hate, and vengeance now he only dreams.
Bursting with rage and spite, he mounts the stair,
And rushes to the chamber of the fair-
But only finds Alonzo's rival there,
Who, anxiously is thro' the casement bending,
Preparatory to his safe descending.

"What do I see ?" is now old hunks's cry,
" Gadso! what! that's you, is it, Master Guy ?
There, brave Alonzo-there, my pretty fop !"
And thro' the window throws him neck and crop.

Meantime, the lovers have a shelter found,
Where soon in Hymen's fetters they are bound.
And long they lived, as kind and fond a pair
As-wife and husband generally are.


I838.]








DECEMBER.


HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

To SOLON SLY, Esq.
MY DEAR SIR,
The approaching vacation devolves on me the pleasing duty of reporting
to you, by the hands of Master Timothy, the general progress of his studies.
In some respects his extraordinary precocity has even-exceeded my wishes. I
have directed his reading principally to Biography, and his ardour has led
him to add to my selection the lives of Turpin and Moore Carew, together
with the instructive narratives of the Newgate Calendar. His progress in
penmanship has been so great, that he has not only written all his own letters,
but many for his school-fellows, to which the versatility of his genius has led
him to append their names so accurately, as to enable him to obtain from
their parents, with the help of the post-boy, a considerable addition to his
pocket-money. I have cleared up a few of these little shades of character,
which have been brought to light, as you will perceive at the foot of my bill.
In Arithmetic, Subtraction has been his favourite rule, as all the drawers in
the house can testify. He has also worked some complicated sums in Vulgar
Fractions, and proved them, by the glazier's bill enclosed. His skill in Divi-
sion has also been displayed in his setting all the school together by the ears.
In Composition, his forte is romance and general fiction; indeed his conver-
sation is of so flowery a nature, as to have been compared to a wreath of
li-lies. At our races he greatly improved his acquaintance with the Greeks
-Late-in, of course, included-and my servants picked him up at midnight,
land-measuring, at length, on the Turnpike road. He has progressed in
Logic, though rather addicted to strange premises, which may lead to serious
conclusions. He has become an accomplished natural philosopher-his pur-
suit of Ornithology has led him to every hen-roost in the village, and all my
eggs have been constantly exhausted in his experiments on suction. During
his inquiries into the nature of animal heat, my favourite cat caught a severe
cold, from which she never recovered, through his turning her out without
her skin, on a frosty night. I have inserted a small item from my surgeon's
bill, for repairs of his comp nions' noses, damaged by his passion for Conch-
ology; and a charge, which I fear you will think heavy, for a skylight, de-
stroyed by Master Timothy's falling through, while crawling along the parapet
on a dark night, to seek some information at my gardener's daughter's
window-an extraordinary instance of the pursuit of knowledge under diffi-
culties. His decided turn for the belles lettres has deprived me of two of my
best maids; for I have been obliged to discharge them on suspicion of irregu-
larly participating in his studies, contrary to the rules of my establishment.
As I do not feel competent, however, to do justice to the education of so
talented a youth, I shall not expect to see Master Timothy again after the
holidays.
I am, my dear Sir,
Your faithful Servant,
Birchfield Academy. BARNABus BO nBusH.

25 Apotheosis of Vauxhall Simpson, 1885.
The glories of his leg and cane are past:
He made his bow and cut his stick at last.


[1838.

















































DECEMBER Christmas-eve.


___l~_rrP*lllll~m31(*Ce~h~







1838.] 159


THE QUEEN IN THE CITY.
How provoking! such a choking, thick, and yellow fog
No Turk or Jew would venture to turn out a Christian dog.
'Tis cruel hard, upon my word, with such a gloomy sky,
To quit my down for Queen or crown, it looks so winter-lye.
I'd rather keep me warm within, than go in all this rout,
For it's not my creed, except in need, to take to "cold without."
And I cannot see why this should be, nor the reason of it all,
It's quite a job to dine with Bob and Nabob in Guildhall.
-Why, don't you see, her Majesty as yet is but a green one,
She's heard of city riots, but by chance has never seen one;
Tho' a king of the land once fear'd the Strand, and said it was full of sinners,
And through Cheapside was afraid to ride, so they went without their dinners.
But see the light is getting bright, and the streets are filled with people,
And pennons gleam, in the morning beam, from turret and from steeple.
The sound that swells from St. Martin's bells would please O'Connell's ear,
While the Union flag does gaily wag, they're all re-pealers there.
But now the crush becomes a rush, and the Black and Red Guards fright
beholders,
Here comes the Lancers, they're the prancers, and the Blues with their broad
swords over their shoulders.
And Temple Bar is the seat of war, and rags the ground bestrew,
Here's a Sunday hat, and a boy squeezed flat, a purse and a satin shoe.
Mister soldier! of course you'll make your horse take his foot from off my
toe.
I'm on duty, sir, and I dare not stir till I hear the trumpet blow.-
But we've paid our guineas, and we're not such ninnies as to stand in all this
riot,-
Here's a lady dead, for she hangs her head, and seems so very quiet.
Oh! what a jam, we can scarcely cram our heads within the door;
I fear you'll find, you must sit behind, since you did not come before.
Oh! that won't do-we've paid for two-myself, and here's my cousin;
I'm number twenty-here's room in plenty-why, your window wont hold a
dozen.
'Tis a swindling cheat, but we lose the treat while haggling here we stand,
And we'll not submit to be thus bit, if a lawyer's in the land.
But now stand fast, they come at last, the grooms in their cloth of gold,
And Royal Dukes, you may know by their looks, so thick they can scarce be
told.
Here are Silver Sticks, in a coach-and-six, methinks it's rather funny,
But those sticks are dear, and it's very clear they cost a deal of money.
A coach to carry a stick, indeed, how comical you talk-
Oh! there's many a stick, with head so thick, that rides when he ought to
walk.







160 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [188.
But who is that, in the feathers and hat, so gracious she nods her head,
'Oh, that's the Queen's Bed-chamber maid. Is her Majesty going to bed?
Now the best of the fun is just begun, for, prancing, may be seen
The handsome Common Council men, in their gowns of mazarine,
And the Sheriffs bold, in their chains of gold, and not disposed to quarrel,
Though one the song of Moses sings, and the other a Christmas Carroll.
And each Alderman tat, in his three-cock'd hat-so comely, one by one
They stately ride, with theirgrooms beside-no doubt, to hold them on.
'Tis the Mayor, of course, outside a horse, with the sword of state before him,
He looks, in his pride, from side to side. How the 'prentice boys adore him!
Hurrah! Hurrah! she comes this way-stand firm to see her pass !
Well, what have you seen ?-why, not the Queen, but the glare of the window
glass.
Oh, I'm going wild! have you seen my child ? from above I let him fall.-
Yes, there he rolls on the people's polls, and he'll soon be at Guildhall.
That little crowd, they scream so loud, it pierces thro' and thro' you;
It's all the charity girls and boys a-singing Hallelujah,"
And "Live the Queen "-'tis a lovely scene-did you hear that cracking
note?-
'Tis a little lass, in the second class, she's burst her little throat.
And now the bells ring round again, and the cannon loudly thunder,
But, before we go, do any know which was the Queen, I wonder ?
Isaw the Queen, she was dressed in green, and a gold tiara crown'd her.
No, I rather think, that was her in pink, with the silver all around her.-
In pink or green she never was seen, but she wore a robe of red,
And she rode a horse, as a thing of course, with a fur cap on her head.-
I think it's plain we shall know her again, so now we'll quit our station,
And we'll take a turn, when the gas-lights burn, to see the illumination.
See crowns and stars, and bright V.R.'s, and wreaths and garlands pretty,
And laurels green all round the Queen, and mottoes quaint and witty.
Here's Wax and Wick-toria" (Cowan, in gloria), May she long wear her
Crown (Alderman Brown), Ourselves and the Queen" (Pellatt and Green),
"She'll ne'er have her match if she reads the Dispatch" (says that jolly
farmer, Alderman Harmer), Success to Regina and Essence of Bina (in-
scription good, by M.atthew Wood), Long live the Queen, to drink Black
and Green" (Mr. Twining, in bright lamps shining), "None shall dare to
affront her" (Sir Claudius Hunter), In a lot we'll knock down all the foes
of the crown" (a desperate go, by Farebrother and Co).
But none of the sight gave such delight as the Aldermen and the Queen,
And throughout the land, such spectacles grand will never again be seen.