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The Comic almanack
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00003
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1837
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00003

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image : Cold water cure
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Preface
    The comic almanack for 1837
        Page 75
        January
            Page 76
            Image : Jan.
        Christmas bills
            Page 77
            Page 78
        February
            Image : Feb.
            Page 79
        Valentines day
            Page 80
            Page 81
        March
            Page 82
            Image : March
        Thomas Gardener to Sally Cook
            Page 83
            Page 84
        April
            Image : April
            Page 85
        Derby day
            Page 86
            Page 87
            Page 88
        A parallel case of hardship
            Page 88
        May
            Image : May
            Page 89
        Courteous reader
            Page 90
            Page 91
        May day lay
            Page 91
            Page 92
        June
            Image : June
            Page 93
        Miss Amelia Smith to miss Julia Smythe
            Page 94
            Page 95
        Operation of the new poor laws
            Page 95
        July
            Page 96
            Image : July
        Fancy fairing
            Page 97
            Page 98
        August
            Image : Aug.
            Page 99
        Tough yarn
            Page 100
            Page 101
        September
            Page 102
            Image : Sept.
        First of September
            Page 103
            Page 104
        October
            Image : Oct.
            Page 105
        Ode to beer
            Page 106
            Page 107
        So oh logical society
            Page 108
            Page 109
        November
            Page 110
            Image : Nov.
        Music's power
            Page 111
            Page 112
        December
            Image : Dec.
            Page 113
        Crier's song
            Page 114
            Page 115
        Scraps from the annual register
            Page 115
            Page 116
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text













Al












S Odd And Interesting

Dickens once visited Crilkshank's Atudio and there saw
a series of pictures illustrating the career of a London
thief. There was a sketch of Falin's den. the Artful
Dodger, Charley Bates and Bill Stkes. All these Dickeni
.worked Into the book, "Oliver Twist."


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*- -
*






P r






Nt Uerily
nttu raitg
of lortiha
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SPECIAL:
COLLECTIONS
BOOK ART
V lge (ift of
Virginia Graham


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THE

COMIC ALMANAC.


IST SERIES, 1835-1843.






U ayuf t c a 6L &MLZ' J
4 i 1 -A
s ~;c a aIt, eAAOO ~7


I4


AOOL YTAKKCAX.'
O!tl eh i- s (L ik) -


The Cold Water Cure.


-I~
b\


.**'" ^ ; ^.


i







THE


COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPIIEMERIS:IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,

QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
STHACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.












"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF."

lBiti mango Tunbreb Illustrations

BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.











PRELIMINARY.




T HE Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long
been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as
among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending
over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive,
they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the
varied excellences of his marvellous power.
The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of
the Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged
upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers
Mayhew, the late Robert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has
been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of
"Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently
appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and Barber Cox, or the Cutting
of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for
1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2s. 6d., but
in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to Is.
The change did not produce the increased circulation expected,
and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2s. 6d. In
this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added,
and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner,
the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the work.
For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly
sought after by collectors, and as much as 61. and 71. have
been given. for good copies.
A Second Series, completing the work, will shortly be pub-
lished. It will be uniform in size and appearance with the
present volume, and embrace the years 1844-1853.
J. C. H.
















THE


COMIC ALMANAC

FOR 1837.









76 JANUARY. [1837.

Now folks trudge on with muffled faces,
To meet Dan Winter's cold embraces;
But he has not the freezing air,
That upstart, purse-proud worldlings wear.
Now mischief-making urchins plan,
With glassy slide, the fall of man ;
But Summer friends, with Wint'ry looks,
Are slipp'rier far than icy brooks.


ID. Great Tbents ant @OBl jratters.

1 Curacoa taken (rather too freely).
2 The Sandwich Islands discovered by a Cook.
3 Let shame and foul disgrace betide the enervated land, which
SForsakes old English suppers tor that make-believe, a Sandwich.
4
5 Dividends due. Very Consoling, but "Take care of your pockets!"
6 TWELFTH DAY. Hilarity Term ends.
7


General Election. Tower Iuamlels votes sonu their Clay, and roe
S for uslhigton.-L aml, el dill give three
Il hips for Hawes, and I.s za!
Cayenne taken by as-salt, 1809. Enemy well peppered.





FROZE-OUT GARDENERS.
Poorhalf-starv'i r. ...r i. .1 ... ,: i .l.r i. we be-
Hard lines for ,i 1
We sits among the trenches in a shake and in a shiver,
And our poor little babbies are without a bit of kiver;
I i' ,i -: 11 .1 -. i girls themselves around,
('. I 1111.. ..1 ,.I ;...iI.. ,: on the ground.
S.i i*. i i t i some mishap or other,
And scarcely dares to ax the pretty darlings "how's your mother '

Lord BACON born. (Query, The Fry-er.)


Without some ram 'tis all in vain. Alack our hearts is breaking,
And surely we should break our teeth if we should go a-raking:
'- 1 ,, *.... ,, lie frost it maybe going,
S- ..i I we gets a little hoeing:
The parish board don't bl-! -;:r -1 i 1 .1-:. black or blue,
They reads the HIact o' P .. I .. -" Iho are you?"
So help the froze-out Gardeners, kind masters every one,
For while you're sporting on the ice, ,we're starving till it's gone.


Lecture on Heads at Whitehall. Price, a crown.
Ben Jonson born. Shikspur-who wrote Shikspur ?"


Prognostications.


Touching
the Stars,

T206 n
(That
is to say,
ST2 S G
with a
figurative
tangibility,
*

seeing they
are out of
our reach)

S 2
I do opine,
that
whereas,



according
to Hamlet,
a 8 I
there are
more things
in
heaven and
earth






































JANUARY,- Last Year's Bills.







CHRISTMAS BILLS.


CHRISTMAS BILLS.
(Mrs. Figgins loguitur.)
MElRY Christmas and happy New Year !
Here's a bundle of "little accounts:"
And their bearers left word they'd be glad
If you'd settle their little amounts.
They've all got "large sums" to "make up,"
And cannot wait longer, they swear:
So I wish you the joys of the season-
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Here's the doctor's-a horrid long bill-
And he vows he's as badly as you;
For his patients wont pay him a groat,
And he's dying of Tick Doloreux.
But he says he's consulted a friend,
A lawyer that lives very near:
So I wish you the joys of the season-
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

The surgeon's is not a whit less:
At its items I really shiver'd:
A hundred for Sally's confinement;
A hundred to Bill delivered."
A hundred for mixtures and pills
(I think it's uncommonly dear):
But I wish you the joys of the season-
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

The baker has brought you a roll
Which will take you a month to digest:
He looks most uncommonly crusty,
And says that, of all trades, he's blest
If a baker's is not the most kneady;
And hints at John Dough; and I fear-
But I wish you the joys of the season,
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

The poult'rer his Game Bill" has brought:
SThis year's-and last year's in addition,
Twelve guineas for Black-cock alone,
Which I think is a grouse imposition.
Ten guineas for pheasants and hares!
And he charges his ven'son as deer.
But I wish you the joys of the season-
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!








THE COMIC ALMANAC. [C837.

Here's your butcher-the city M.P.-
Begs to ax leave to bring in his bill."
It takes up six folio pages:
Good heavens! it's as long as a will.
He says times are quite out of joint;
And he must have the cash; so, my dear,
I wish you the joys of the season-
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Your grocer abuses you grossly,
Your hatter, and tailor surtout;
Your saddler's been going on sadly,
And your green-grocer looks very blue.
The brewer is down in the hall,
And wont stir till he's paid for his beer;
So I wish you the joys of the season-
Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

Then there's my little bill of two hundred
For laces and trimmings-but laws!
You wont grudge your poor rib a few ribbons;
Will you, duck P-and ten guineas for gauze.
And a hundred for bonnets and hats,
And my last di'mond set-such a dear !-
Kiss me, love! Oh! the joys of the season!
Merry Qhristmas and happy New Year!

And the ponies-my pet little Grey,
And Miss Slimlegs, and Giraffe, and Beauty:
(But you know, love, they're all under size,
And so' don't pay a farthing of duty;)
The coach-hacks, but two hundred pounds:
(We don't drive our own tits-that's dear:)
So I wish you the joys of the season-
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

And, oh dear! here's a note from your steward !
He says your estate he's been round,
And examined your books and your papers;
And you can't pay a crown in the pound.
There's writs out against you by scores;
You're surrounded by tipstaves and bums;
So I wish you, my love, a good Christmas!
And a happy New Year-when it comes !














(r


FEBRUARY, Valentine's Day.


--~Ti


i'








T8R .1 FEBRUARY.


No more the farmer's dame shall rue
The slaughter of her poultry crew;
Compell'd, this month, to sign a truce
With turkey, donkey, pig, and goose,
The Cockney Sportsman grounds his arms,
And dicky birds are free from harms;
Percussion guns become a jest,
Put on their caps, and go to rest.


D. Great tbents ansa btb AJ atters.

1 New River begun, 1608. Drunk at a Tneperance meeting, 1836.
2 CandlemAs DAY. Some dark affair now brought to light.
SBLAISE. "Farmers, look to your ricks !"-Swise.
4 A fair warms the bosom of Old Father Thames, 1814.


7 SHil VETuES. AgreatFry-day. Mrs. FRpan-egyrised.
8
9
LO
L1 Sir Jeffery Dunstan. "No real knight."
12 1 SUNDAY IN LENT. Corporal punishment promoted
3* [by General Fast.
14 VALENTINE. All Fools' Day.
15
16 VALENTINE TO MISS MARTINEAU.
17 Come, live with me, and be my love,"
And we to all the world will prove
1s j That bill and valley, grove and field"
Are waste, if Nature's stores they yield;
19 While rustic joys and simple swains
Are nought compared to rich men's gains. >
20 We'll demonstrate, to please the Tabbies,
That none but boobies will have babbles,
21 And dose and diet all the nation,
To check the growing population.
22 Our virgin thoughts, as pure as vrgis,"
Will ne'er increase the public charges;
23 So cease in frowns thy face to deck,
Thy mind's the best preventive check.
24

g26 H are-hunti e t- ns ie
27
28 Hare-hunting ends. Cats'-skins rise.


Prognostifications.

than
S
are dreamt
of in our
philosophy,


so are
there other
aspects,


besides
sideral
ones,
that do
marvellously
influence

and affect
us.

The con-
figurations
of the con-
stellations

do not
augur more


7 91







THE COMIC ALMAACK. [1837.


VALENTINE'S DAY.

On! love, love, love, love, love, love, love!
What plaguy work you make!
From New Year's day to New Year's day
No rest you seem to take.

And yet you're but a little chap:
To me it seems most odd,
That folks should truckle thus to thee,
Thou Semi-Demi-God!

The day of all the livelong year
That you most brightly shine,
Is February's fourteenth day,
Illustrious Valentine.

Oh! then what breaking of young hearts!
What fits! what swoons! what cries !
And sobs of ev'ry kind and sort,
And sighs of ev'ry size !

No day makes such a stir as this:
(Not even the king's natal:)
Of all the f6tes, O Valentine!
Thyffte is the most fatal.

All other feasts are sinking fast,
But yours shall ne'er decline:
And oh among read letter days,
SWhat day can match with thine ?

All now to Love their homage pay:
From him that guides the plough,
To him that guides the state;-the king
Himself's a court-ier now.

Love leads poor mortals such a dance
O'er hill and over plain,
The world seems like one vast quadrille
The figure, Ladies' chain.

In fact, 'tis Nature's grand Court day,
When high and low you meet;
The noble with his am'rous train;
The beggar with his suite.






VALENTINE'S DAY.


There's not a trade or mystery,
But love finds means to bind:
The very blacksmith at his forge
Feels hammer-ously inclined.

Jack Ketch himself from Cupid's noose
By no means feels secure.
The butcher-heretofore so hard-
Feels in his heart a skewer.

.The miser (harder far than both)
Now opens with avidity
His chest-his heart, I meant to, say:-
For Cupid, cuts Cupidity.

The beasts are just in the same plight;
The horse, the ass, the steer:
The lion's found his own true love;"
The stag has got his deer.

The little mouse, tho' small he be,
Courts after his own fashion:
The very mite's obliged to own
That love's a mite-y passion.

The very birds are caught: the crow
In amorous despondence,
His carrion leaves, to carry on
A tender correspondence.

And while Miss Grace invites her beau
With her at eve to wander,
The goose, whose quill she gently wields,
Is gone to meet her gander.

Since birds and beasts don't die for love,
T'were sillier than a goose,
Because I can't tie Hymen's knot,
To dangle in a noose.

Fresh bonds I'll seek, tho' I should roam
From England to Owhyee:
And for my death (fixed for to-day)
Postpone it sine die.








MARCH.


Come, tell me what's IMACH like? A bully, I trow,
Who runs up, and blinds you by giving a blow ;
Or a saucy Drill Serjeant, with swaggering airs,
Who the rustic recruit by his blustering scares;-
Or a Serjeant-at-law, who so craftily tries,
In a tempest of words, to throw dust iln your eyes.


Grrat 3Ebents anb bbt .flattezs.

ST. DAVID'S DAY. Prince of Whales caughtat the Nore, where
She springs a leak
Death of Boil-eau. Kitchen maids go into mourning.


OPENING OF PARLIAMENT.
The tables of both Houses groan with Petitions from all classes
of His Majesty's subjects. Among the most important will be
found the prayer of the half-starved Iacks to be exported to Ota-
heite; the petition of the Dogs against the track system; the
appeal of the Cats to the King for an asylum, in Zap-land, from
the suit of the Skinners' Company; the petition of the Ducks to
be presented by Mr. Poulter, for the discontinuance of Bean
Feasts, to be support i by Mr. Pease; the memorial of the Hogs
against breakfast bacon, and offering to prove it all gammon; the
humble prayer of the Whitebait of Blackwall to be excused at-
tendance at the Cabinet Ministers' dinners ; ditto from Mr. Place
(it is supposed neither will be dispensed with) ; the memorial of
the men of genius as to the foundation of a college for the culti-
vation of the Muses among the fappy-nine mountains, and the pe-
tition of the Royal Society of Beggars for leave to hold their court
in the ruins of Bag-land Castle.
Isaac Walton died.
EPITAPH.
Rejoice, ye little fishes all i
Ye tickle-bats and minnows I
A human pike without a sole,
Has left this world of sinners.
Ye gentle gentils, grieve no more!
Your pangs perhaps he feels;
7_ For now a greedier pike, grim Death,
Has laid him by the heels.

Cannon-ization of Antwerp, 1832. stolen.
Captain Parry among the Esquimaux. Grcat Seal


Easter Monday. Epping Hunt.


l^^^^)~~*f3~;~


e


I


7 LAl



fs4


Prognostiications.

commotions
and con-
sternations
T28
to Great
Britain,


than do
divers other
aspects

denote
sundry
mishaps
and
mischances
*8 ? 1r
to Little
Britain;
and if


the lord of
the Sixth
House,
n 12 '
among
the constel-
lations,
USA



















Ibg.l\\LY~


MAR H,- Tdssing the Pancake.











THOMAS GARDENER TO SALLY COOK.

I TAX up my pen with much pressure to inform yew that i hav
bean quiet Mizzerabl ever sins i left my plase. Ewery think has
gon rong from that day to this, i hav ad no Turnups to speek of in
my garden & no Peas in my mind. i offen think of the appy days
we ust to spend, partickly our Soft tewsdys wen yew ust to tos us
up them nice apel friters wile the rest of the sirvents was obleigt to
put up with nothing but plane pan caks without nayther apels nor
sugger. 0 saly i offen sets & thinks that luv is jest like a friing
pan & won's art like a pan cak frizzling in the midi on it.
Ive newer repentid leveing but onst and that's ewer sins. But
i wasent agoin to stand beani dun out of my perquizzits by masters
pertending he ad a rites to cum into the gardn wennever he likt &
get my peeches & necktrings, jest becaws it was hisn, and giv away
my Cabidges and Lettises without so much as with your Leaf'or by
your Leaf, to say nothing about the rumpus he maid about them 2
or 3 graps & accusing me of Boneing the Bone mannure, & wors then
al, eaping them 2 tun of coles on my hed which i no moor stole em
then yew did saly, & after turning me away on account of the Coles
wanting to Cokes me bak agen.
"Deer saly, my place hear is very cumfuttabl, but i am very
uncumfuttabl in it on account of my Bean in sich a tendar pashun
with Yew. 0 lav, luv i am grew as thin as a lath and hav found
out wot it is not to hav cuk for a swete hart. Our under ous made
is very fond on me but wats the use of ous mades, won carnt heat
brumes and skrubbin brushs. 0 saly saly! yew wood ardly no me
i am as week as a kittin, i can scace andl my Spade &its all Hoeing
to yew. i set ours & ours in the forsing ous doing nothing but
thinking of yewr perty face, & i offen think ow appy we mite be
with yewr 2 under pound as yewr Grand mother left yew, & yewr
50 pound in the saving bank, & my 5 pound as Jorge Hawl the
squir's futman as is gone away ows me. We mite take a Publik ous,
the Pig & wissle for instants, & get a gud bisnes & be as appy as
the day is lung. Saly luv wat do yew say to me, let me no your
mind, but rimmember wat i sed about the Publik is strictly Privet.
"Deer saly, i carnt abuse my noo mastr & missus, at least not
at present, they are uncommon kind to me & so is al the fammaly.
The 2 former blungs to a Linean sowsiaty & to ear em tawk aboat
Bottanyis rely quite Transporting. We ad the annywal sho the uther







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


day which is cunducktid in the most aprovd maner namely giving
prises to al the supskribers, which gives gennaral sattisfaxion and
advarnses since. It tuk place in the town all on wensdy last for
Pinks Dailys and settera, on which okashun master was brote in
Furst mule, & missus Furst fireball, & i beg to announce in the
veggytibl line i was juged to be the Bigest cabbige head out of 40.
The sowsiaty has dun a gud deal of gud hear about in regard of
kichin gardn stuf, namely redishs so larg as not to be told from
carrots, & peas like Led bulits, boath which is nothing in cumparryson
of their turnups which they hav at last suckseeded in growing em so
big & ollow as is gud for nothing but little bys to make Jack a
lantans off. The sowsiaty increases annywaly evry ear, & oposishun
is got to sich a bite as yew woodent bleav. The uther day 1 poor
felow, Bean bete in his Carrots, axualy went ome & cut his Carrotid
hartary. Another grate advarntidge is the onnerrery members
dining together after the sho & eting up al the Best frute, by wich
in Coarse they no wear to aply to another time wen they want
anny. The rest is sold to pay xpences. Also it is a very gud
thing for the market gardeners, anny 1 of woom by paying 2 shilin
entrants & sending in a 5 shilin baskit of veggytibles stands a
charnse of wining a 9 crown prise.
"For my own part i am Beuming quite bottannycle & no the
lattin to evrythink. It wood sirprize my old butty James to ear me
knocking the ard words about. Tel him with my best cumplyments
he nose nothing. For instants Tel him a rose isent no sich thing
but only a Pollyandrew, also by the same rule a Merrygold is
nuthink but a Merryandrew, and sow on of the rest. But studdi-
ing Bottany doant Leav 1 much time for working in the garden, & i
am sory to say my things is luking very bad, partickly my Dailys
which is groan quite Weekly, and my Melons cutting a very Melon-
koly appearance.
Owewer i must cum to an end, so deer saly rimmember my
complements to Jon butler, & Tummas futman, & Robbart cochman,
& Deer saly doant Forget yourself. And saly, doant hav nothing to
say to your noo Gardner, for betwene yew & me, as yew ust to say
of cuks, gardeners is no grate shaks. So doant newer luv nobdy
but Me for deer saly my luv for yew is Hardy Peranual. So gud
Boy my deer Gal
"from your hafectionet
TUMMAs HOLLYOKE."


[1837.






































APR I L-- Return from the Races.









APRIL. 85

Hail, shopping! dear delicious pain!
Can April showers control thy reign?
Or check the pace of slippery feet,
Up Ludgate Hill or Regent Street:
Ah, me what bliss to have a wife
So boldly dare the weather's strife!
Careful alike,-or something worse,-
Of draggled clothes and husband's purse.

D. Great 3Emtnts anb lbt Jlatters. Prognostifleations.


1 Sapientia. Cockneys commence angling for red-herrings.
2 Low Sunday. Vide Whitechapel, Primrose Hill, and St. Giles's.
3


6 Solon born. Judge Patteson retires from the bench to take the
S[chair of the British College of Health. Old Lady Day.
8 THE WONDERFUL PILL.
9 A CARn. Take gamboge, as you find it, for better or worse,
And aloes,-the strongest,-a drug for a horse;
- A few peppermint drops, a few turns of a mill,
S And you get the contents of the Wonderful Pill.
Take the head of a monkey, be-whisker'd & frizzld,
S MORRISON The eyes of a tiger, be-demon'd and devilPd;
A2 d Co. Add a magpie, a fox, and a vulture in one,
nderlakers. And a heart with less blood than a pillar of stone:-
S Take of folly, stupidity, weakness--enough :-
SUNERS LS Of credulity, ignorance, fear-quantum suff:-
.4 iURn TIS naD, These ingredients, combined wth discernment &skill,
Scorpse included. Give the knave and the dupe of the Wonderful pill.
-5
6 Mutiny at Spit-head. Cooks strike for wages.





1 Solomon's b. d. kept. Horrible plot to burn the City
2 of London, and murder all the inhabitants, frus-
trated by Atkins, Mayor." A.D. 1817.
'Twas enough to create a confusion and pother,
4I For the nest of one Mayor to be found by another.




[but gets nothing but chaff.
9 i7trashing commences in London. Macready thrashes Bunn,
0 Rogueation S. A pickpocket ducked about this time.


becoming
Lord of the
Ascendant,


doth
betoken
civil
commtions
in Great
France,
.*?

so, in like
manner,

Y $ T2 *
doth the
ascendancy


of the
Lady of the
Seventh
House,

augur
divers
SLv
uncivil
commotions
among








THE COMIC ALMANACK.


THE DERBY DAY.
HERE'S a right and true list of all the running horses! iDorling's correct
card for the Derby day !--Hollo, old un! hand us up one here, will
you: and let it be a good un: there, now what's to pay?
Only sixpence. Sixpence! I never gave more than a penny at Hookem
Snivey in all my days.-May be not, your honour : but Hookem Snivey
aint Hepsom: and sixpence is what every gemman, as is a gemman, pays.
I can buy 'em for less than that on the course, and 1'll wait till I get there.
Beg your honour's pardon; they sells 'em a shillin' on the course.
Give you threepence. They cost me fippence ha'p'ny farden.
Well, here then, take your list back again. Come, come; your honour shall
have it at your own price :-I wouldn't sell it nob'dy else for no sitch
money : but I likes the sound of your wice.
Here, then, give me the change, willyou?-Oh, certainly: but your honour's
honcommon ard:- Let's see: you want two-and-threepence: wait a
moment, there's another gentleman calling out for a card.
Hollo, coachman, stop, stop Coachman, do you hear? stop your.horses this
moment, and let me get down:- The fellow's run away behind an
omnibus without giving me change out of my half-crown.
That's alvays the vay they does on these here occasions : they calls it
catching a flat:-Sorry I can't stop. Where's the new police? Pretty
police truly, to suffer such work as that !
Well, if ever I come to Epsom again! but let's look at the list: it's cost me
precious dear !- Ascot, Mundig, Pelops why, good heavens, coach-
man! they've sold me a list for last year!
Oh, ma! look there what a beautiful carriage! scarlet and gold liveries, and
horses with long tails.- And stodge-full of gentlemen with mustaches,
and cigars, and Macintoshes, and green veils:
Whose is it, ma ? Don't know, my dear; but no doubt belongs to some duke,
or marquis, or other great nob. Beg your pardon, ma'am: but that
carriage as you're looking at is a party of the swell mob;
And, oh my! ma: look at that other, full of beautiful ladies, dressed like
queens and princesses.-Silks and satins and velvets, and gauze sleeves
and ermine tippets : I never saw such elegant dresses:
And how merry they look, laughing and smiling! they seem determined to
enjoy the sport:- Who are they, ma? Don't know, dear; but no doubt
they're Court ladies. Yes, ma'am, Cranbourne Court.
How do, Smith ? nice sort of tit you've got there. Very nice indeed: very
nice sort of mare.- Beautiful legs she's got, and nicely-turned ancles,
and 'pon my word, a most elegant head of hair.
How old is she? and how high does she stand? I should like to buy her if
she's for sale.- Oh, she's quite young: not above five-arid-twenty or
thirty; and her height exactly a yard and a half and a nail:
Price eighty guineas. She'd be just the thing for you; capital hunter as
ever appeared at a fixture.--Only part with her on account of her
colour; not that I mind: only Mrs. S. don't like an Oxford mixture.
Hehlo! you faylow! you person smoking the pipe, I wish you'd take your
quadruped out of the way.- Quadruped, eh? you be blowed! it's no
quadruped, but as good a donkey as ever was fed upon hay.
Oh, my! ma: there's the course. What lots of people, and horses, and booths,


[I837.








THE DERBY DAY.


and grand stands.- And .what oceans of gipsies and jugglers, and
barrel organs, and military bands !
And was ever such sights of Savoyards and French women singing and
E-O-tables;- And horses rode up and down by little boys, or tied
together in bundles, and put up in calimanco stables;
And look at thatone, they call him Boney-parte. Did you ever in all your
lifetime see a leaner?-- And "Royal Dinner Saloons" (for royalty the
knives might have been a little brighter, and the linen a little cleaner);
And women with last-dying speeches in one hand, and in the other all the
best new comic songs ;- And, dear me how funnily that gentleman
sits his horse; for all the world just like a pair of tongs.
And-clear the course clear the course Oh, dear now the great Derby
race is going to be run.- Twelve to one! Ten to one! Six to one!
Nine to two! Sixteen to three! Done, done, done, done !
Here they come! here they come! blue, green buff, yellow, black, brown,
white, harlequin, and red!--Sir, I wish you'd stand off of our carriage
steps : it's quite impossible to see through your head.
There, now they're gone: how many timesriound? Times round, eh? why,
bless your innocent face!-- It's all over. All over! you don't say so
I wish I'd never come : such a take in call that a Derby race!
After being stifled with dust almost, and spoiling all our best bonnets and
shawls and cloaks !- Call that a Derby race, indeed! I'm sure it's no
Derby, but nothing but a right-down, regular Oaks.
But come, let's have a bit of lunch: I'm as hungry as if I hadn't had a bit all
day.- Smith, what are you staring at? why don't you make haste,
and hand us the hamper this way ?
We shall never have anything to eat all day if you don't stir yourself, and not
go on at that horrid slow rate.-Oh, Lord the bottom's out, and every
bit of meat and drink, and worse than all, the knives and forks and plate,-
Stole and gone clean away! Good heavenlies! and I told you to keep your
eye on the basket, you stupid lout!- Well, so I did, on the top of it,
but who'd have thought of their taking the bottom out ?
Well, never mind: they'll be prettily disappointed: for you know, betwixt
you and me and the wall,-- Our ivory knives and forks were nothing
but bone; and our plate nothing but German silver, after all.
What race is to be run next? No more, ma'am: the others were all run
afore you come.- Well, then, have the horses put to, Smith: I'll never
come a Derbying again; and let us be off home.
Oh, lawk! what a stodge of carriages! I'm sure we shall never get off the
course alive!- Oh, dear! do knock that young drunken gentleman off
the box: I'm sure he's not in a fit state to drive.
There, I told you how it would be. Oh, law you've broke my arm, and com-
pound-fractured my leg !- Oh! for 'eavens sake, lift them two 'orrid
losses off my darter! Sir, take your hands out of my pocket-hole, I beg!
I say, the next time you crawl out of a coach window, I wish you wouldn't
put your foot on a lady's chest.-Vell, if ever I seed such a purl as
that (and I've seed many a good un in my time) I'll be blest.
Oh, dear! going home's worse than coming It's ten to one if ever we get
back to Tooley Street alive.-Such jostling, and pushing, and prancing
of horses! and always the tipsiest gentleman of every party will drive.
I wish 1 was one of those ladies at the windows; or even one of the servant








88 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1837.

maids giggling behind the garden walls.-And oh there's Kennington
turnpike what shouting and hooting, and blowing those horrid cat-calls!
Ticket, Sir? got a ticket? No, I've lost it. A shilling, then. A shilling!
I've paid you once to-day.-- Oh, yes, I suppose so: the old tale; but it
wont do. That's what all you sporting gentlemen say.
Hinsolent feller! I'll have you up before your betters. Come, sir, you-
musn't stop up the way. Well, I'll pay you again; but, oh Lord! some-
body's stole my purse good gracious, what shall I do!--I suppose I
must leave my watch, and call fbr it to-morrow. Oh, ruination! blow'd
if that isn't gone too !
Get on there, will you ?-Well, stop a moment. Will anybody lend me a shil-
ling? No? Well, here then, take my hat:-- But if I don't show you
up in Bell's Life in London next Sunday morning, my name's not
Timothy Flat.
Well, this is my last journey to Epsom, my last appearance on any course as
a backer or hedger:- For 1 see plain enough a betting-book aint a day-
book, and a Derby's a very different thing from a Ledger.

A PARALLEL CASE OF HARDSHIP.
A PUBLIc subscription of several thousand pounds has been proposed to be
raised towards Mr. Buckingham's losses in India; quickened by the threat
that, if not sufficient to maintain him, he would be driven to the very dreadful
necessity of "devoting the remainder of his days to useful and honourable
labour !" To avert so dire a calamity, it will be proposed among Mr. B.'s
friends to revive the old project, and send him round the world on a voyage
of discovery and commerce. He is to sail on the first of next April, and
will take with him passengers, emigrants, and merchandize. First exploring
the British coast, he will establish a colony of tailors at Sheer-ness; then
offer a consignment of saddles and bridles to the inhabitants of Byde;
afterwards call for Mr. Ole Bull ofL Cowes, as fiddler to the crew; from
thence he will despatch a bale of blankets to Friez-land, and of gloves to the
people of Pau, taking in exchange some cheap coffee for charitable purposes
from Cham-berry. Proceeding through the Channel, he will receive a few
distressed ladies at Brideport on an experimental voyage to Beau-maris.
The late ministry will accompany him as far as the Ex, and at Ply-Mouthl
Sound he will take in the substance of his next parliamentary campaign.
At the Scilly Islands he will try to dispose of a heavy consignment from
Paternoster Row and some leading establishments at the west-end of the
town. He will leave the Poor Law Commissioners at their headquarters
at Flint; thence crossing the Atlantic, he will deposit the bones of Mr.
Carus Wilson at Long Island, and offer a cargo of soft-soap at Washington.
He will next despatch Stone masons to the Chipaway country, and Car-
penters to the Chick-a-saws, and he will be commissioned to get a lot of old
Joes exchanged at New-Found-Land. He will supply the natives of Chili
with great coats, carry ham and beef to the Sandwich Islands, and broad
cloth to Bombay. He will then reach the North Pole by taking up his ship
in an air balloon, and remaining suspended, till, as the world goes round,
the arctic circle is just under his feet, when he will drop into the midst of
it. Coming home from the North, about next St. Swithin twelvemonths,
he will bring us a little Blue from the Island of Skye, and call off the
coast of Ayr-shire for another scheme to raise the wind. On his arrival,
the wooden guns at Jack Straw's Castle will be fired, and the town illumi-
nated with moonshine.








88 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1837.

maids giggling behind the garden walls.-And oh there's Kennington
turnpike what shouting and hooting, and blowing those horrid cat-calls!
Ticket, Sir? got a ticket? No, I've lost it. A shilling, then. A shilling!
I've paid you once to-day.-- Oh, yes, I suppose so: the old tale; but it
wont do. That's what all you sporting gentlemen say.
Hinsolent feller! I'll have you up before your betters. Come, sir, you-
musn't stop up the way. Well, I'll pay you again; but, oh Lord! some-
body's stole my purse good gracious, what shall I do!--I suppose I
must leave my watch, and call fbr it to-morrow. Oh, ruination! blow'd
if that isn't gone too !
Get on there, will you ?-Well, stop a moment. Will anybody lend me a shil-
ling? No? Well, here then, take my hat:-- But if I don't show you
up in Bell's Life in London next Sunday morning, my name's not
Timothy Flat.
Well, this is my last journey to Epsom, my last appearance on any course as
a backer or hedger:- For 1 see plain enough a betting-book aint a day-
book, and a Derby's a very different thing from a Ledger.

A PARALLEL CASE OF HARDSHIP.
A PUBLIc subscription of several thousand pounds has been proposed to be
raised towards Mr. Buckingham's losses in India; quickened by the threat
that, if not sufficient to maintain him, he would be driven to the very dreadful
necessity of "devoting the remainder of his days to useful and honourable
labour !" To avert so dire a calamity, it will be proposed among Mr. B.'s
friends to revive the old project, and send him round the world on a voyage
of discovery and commerce. He is to sail on the first of next April, and
will take with him passengers, emigrants, and merchandize. First exploring
the British coast, he will establish a colony of tailors at Sheer-ness; then
offer a consignment of saddles and bridles to the inhabitants of Byde;
afterwards call for Mr. Ole Bull ofL Cowes, as fiddler to the crew; from
thence he will despatch a bale of blankets to Friez-land, and of gloves to the
people of Pau, taking in exchange some cheap coffee for charitable purposes
from Cham-berry. Proceeding through the Channel, he will receive a few
distressed ladies at Brideport on an experimental voyage to Beau-maris.
The late ministry will accompany him as far as the Ex, and at Ply-Mouthl
Sound he will take in the substance of his next parliamentary campaign.
At the Scilly Islands he will try to dispose of a heavy consignment from
Paternoster Row and some leading establishments at the west-end of the
town. He will leave the Poor Law Commissioners at their headquarters
at Flint; thence crossing the Atlantic, he will deposit the bones of Mr.
Carus Wilson at Long Island, and offer a cargo of soft-soap at Washington.
He will next despatch Stone masons to the Chipaway country, and Car-
penters to the Chick-a-saws, and he will be commissioned to get a lot of old
Joes exchanged at New-Found-Land. He will supply the natives of Chili
with great coats, carry ham and beef to the Sandwich Islands, and broad
cloth to Bombay. He will then reach the North Pole by taking up his ship
in an air balloon, and remaining suspended, till, as the world goes round,
the arctic circle is just under his feet, when he will drop into the midst of
it. Coming home from the North, about next St. Swithin twelvemonths,
he will bring us a little Blue from the Island of Skye, and call off the
coast of Ayr-shire for another scheme to raise the wind. On his arrival,
the wooden guns at Jack Straw's Castle will be fired, and the town illumi-
nated with moonshine.













J7,.'

41-iA1


M A Y..-- Beating the Bounds










MAY. 89


Some modern sages, nothing can be flatter,
Find Bi-polarity twixtt mind and matter.
There's prima facie proof, upon the whole,
S,. i It once existed in the man-maypole."
But barring manners, you'll admit no less,
He stands conspicuous for his pole-height-ness.


D. 61reat 3Pbents antb @bb Jflattcrs.

1 Chimnev Sweepers' Jubilee. Emancipation of the Blacks.
2
3 ARCHERY.-Mrss HIGGINS TO Miss FrGGINS.
4 This comes to tell you, dearest Coz, I've been to neulah Spa,
And there, among the Archer folk, have shone with such 6clat.
5 Well, I declare,'tis charming sport to play at bows and arrows:
I do not wonder little boys so love to shoot at sparrows.
6 Some petty, trifling accidents occurred, I must confess :
In taking aim, I torea hole in Mrs. Simpkin's dress,
7 Who gave me such a frightful look, as really made me shiver;
And put my nerves in such a way as caus'd my hand to quiver.
8 So, just as Mr. Foozle, in his most politest manner,
Was paying me fine compliments, and calling me Diana,
9 My elbow slipped, and struck him such a blow upon the nose,
As eaus'd the blood to spirt about, and cover all his clothes.
10 The boy who picks the arrows up, I shot right thro' the car:
I'm sure'he'd but himself to blame,-he stood so very near:
1 'Twas only just a hundred yards from where the target stood,
So how to help the hitting him would puzzle Robin Hood.
12 Altho' I'm sorry for the brat, I greatly pleased my spark,
Who thought me quite a heroine to shoot so near the mark.
13 So pr'ythee come, my dearest Coz, Diana's bow to draw,
And join the gay Toxbphilites whlo shoot at Beulah Spa.


Now madcap Mirth, with reckless air,
Sports down gay Pleasure's tide;
With every care rast to the winds,
And all his Wits-unticR.


From Friars-Black and Chapel.White
They rush to Greenwich Fair,
Each donkey-cart las its asses'load,
Each chaise owns three a pair.
Some go by steam or sailing vessel,
Some by the Elephant and Castle.

The vent'rous see that famous lill,
Renown'd for fate's decree,
That they who tarry at the top
Shall soon the bottom see.
There's merry frisking on the grass,
For courting sporting people;
And the curious seek the spying glass,
To peep at Barking steeple.


Prognostflations.

the lords
and ladies
6 S
of all the
houses in
Petty
France.*

S1
Again,


who will
deny, that


Juniper
hath a more
malignant
ilifluence
than
Jupiter ?


or, that,
in the
olden times
of pugilism,



*A terraincognita,
ly g ing in the vi-
einity of Tothill
Fields.


Whit-Monday.
Whit-Tuesday.






























"Show his eyes and grieve his heart;
Come like shadows, so depart."
CouRTEous READER,
DIVARICATING from the beaten track of all my predecessors in
the Celestial Art, whose method it hath ever been to leave the
interpretation of their symbolical prefigurements to be explorated and
divined by the subtletyof the ingenious reader himself,-by the which
they did shroud, in a tenfold tenebrosity of Cimmerian gloom, their
no-meaning mysteries, and ambiguous puzzlements;-deviating, I
say, from such a course, I do herewith not only present thee, as hath
been my custom, with an Hieroglyphic adapted to the times," but
lifting the veil of obscurity, wherein it is shrouded from vulgar ap-
prehension, lay patent and exposed the hidden meaning thereof.
It hath in it the three grand postulates or requirements of a
veritable Hieroglyphic, videlicet,-It is Astroscopical, Astrological,
and Prophetical:-
It is Astroscopical, as it is founded on an observation of the Stars.
It is Astrological, as it is indicative of planetary potency and
lunar influence; and
It is Prophetical, inasmuch as it not only presenteth the pre-
sent, but futurizeth the future.
Taurus, the Bull (egregious John !), having, through a plethora
of purse, fallen into a dreamy mood, yielded himself up to a som-
niferous influence, which becloudeth, with a misty obfuscation, his
natural senses; whereupon the megrims of his crazy brain do set
themselves to work, and conjure up certain airy visions of specula-
tive aggrandizement.
Floating in nubibus before his fancy's eye, are sundry bubbles,


[I837-


THE COMIC ALMANACK.







A MAY-DAY LAY.


blown by an Imp of Speculation, who ruleth the phantasies which
do take John's imagination captive. Gemini (the Twins) in the
similitude of a joint-stock Company proffer him wealth;-baseless
castles, of unsubstantial fabric, resting on ether, do shadow forth
his brick-and-mortar predilections;-and a rail-road betwixt Dover
and Calais, uniting that which nature had dissevered, accomplisheth
that propinquity, which John ever affecteth for good neighbourhood
and fellowship ; while Luna, who hath established a reciprocity rail-
road with our planet, grinneth at his gullibility, and market him
for her own.
. Descending from the clouds, note we the state of his household
matters, while he thus dreameth in complacent security.
Thou mayest observe, gentle Reader, certain satellites of Mercury
(the planet of thieves), who, under the impersonation of rooks, by
an immersion of their long beaks into the profundity of his pockets,
are abstracting his treasure. At the right hand of the dreamer, a
cutpurse knave of Spades, the apt symbol of rail-road diggers and
miners, hath, by an undermining trick, possessed himself of his
bullion; while the Demon of Gin, in the likelihood of a crafty
serpent, entivined round his lower extremities, shadoweth forth the
ruin with which the fiend spirit threateneth the props of the body
politic,-the Industrious Classes. The rats, those roguesin grain, are
devouring his corn; and his faithful Tray is gnawing at his dinner.
Surrounded as he is by wealth and plenty, shall we marvel, that
when the master of the house sleepeth on his post, knaves will cheat,
thieves will steal; and servants will pilfer ?

A MAY-DAY LAY.
HIP, hip, huzza!
For Merry May!
More dear than tongues can tell,
To ev'ry child of Phoebus,-and
Of Lancaster and Bell.
Lay by your books:
Let anxious looks
Give place to mirth and smiles.
Come, come, my lads, put u'p your slates,
And run and fetch your tiles!
Now off they go,
Dick, Tom, and Joe,
Just like a pack of hounds;
With vicar, crier, and beadle too,
To beat the parish bounds.
Away, away,
By bank and brae,
By footway and by highway:
Each lane a Lad-lane now becomes,
And ev'ry way a Boy-way.







A MAY-DAY LAY.


blown by an Imp of Speculation, who ruleth the phantasies which
do take John's imagination captive. Gemini (the Twins) in the
similitude of a joint-stock Company proffer him wealth;-baseless
castles, of unsubstantial fabric, resting on ether, do shadow forth
his brick-and-mortar predilections;-and a rail-road betwixt Dover
and Calais, uniting that which nature had dissevered, accomplisheth
that propinquity, which John ever affecteth for good neighbourhood
and fellowship ; while Luna, who hath established a reciprocity rail-
road with our planet, grinneth at his gullibility, and market him
for her own.
. Descending from the clouds, note we the state of his household
matters, while he thus dreameth in complacent security.
Thou mayest observe, gentle Reader, certain satellites of Mercury
(the planet of thieves), who, under the impersonation of rooks, by
an immersion of their long beaks into the profundity of his pockets,
are abstracting his treasure. At the right hand of the dreamer, a
cutpurse knave of Spades, the apt symbol of rail-road diggers and
miners, hath, by an undermining trick, possessed himself of his
bullion; while the Demon of Gin, in the likelihood of a crafty
serpent, entivined round his lower extremities, shadoweth forth the
ruin with which the fiend spirit threateneth the props of the body
politic,-the Industrious Classes. The rats, those roguesin grain, are
devouring his corn; and his faithful Tray is gnawing at his dinner.
Surrounded as he is by wealth and plenty, shall we marvel, that
when the master of the house sleepeth on his post, knaves will cheat,
thieves will steal; and servants will pilfer ?

A MAY-DAY LAY.
HIP, hip, huzza!
For Merry May!
More dear than tongues can tell,
To ev'ry child of Phoebus,-and
Of Lancaster and Bell.
Lay by your books:
Let anxious looks
Give place to mirth and smiles.
Come, come, my lads, put u'p your slates,
And run and fetch your tiles!
Now off they go,
Dick, Tom, and Joe,
Just like a pack of hounds;
With vicar, crier, and beadle too,
To beat the parish bounds.
Away, away,
By bank and brae,
By footway and by highway:
Each lane a Lad-lane now becomes,
And ev'ry way a Boy-way.








92 THE COMIC ALMAiACK.

At ev'ry well
Their notes they swell,-
One's in the water thrown;
Where he this moral lesson learns:-
"Always let well alone."
And then at night,
Oh! what delight
To hear the pipes of Pan!
And see the old connexion still
Kept up twixtt May and Can!
While maidens bound
The May-pole round,
With hearts and footsteps light:
And near the Pole a booth is found,
A Boothia Felix quite.
At least 'twas .so -
Some years ago,
Ere wisdom oped our eyes;
And farthing folks, with penny mags,
Made people penny wise.
But, nowadays,
We've no such Mays:
Unpluck'd now blows the hawthorn.
A May-pole I no more can find
Than Parry can the northern.
Our Johnny raws
Read Newton's laws,
All merriment unheeding;
And, poring over the Laws of Light,
Imagine it light reading.
Yet still, sweet May,
To me thou'rt gay;
My pleasure and my pride !
I love thy vi'lets, daffodils,
Daisies,-and pigeons-pied!
I love thy flowers,
And shady bow'rs;
Thy mountains and thy vales.
I love thy morning breezes, and
I love thy nightingales!
Then, hip huzza!
For Merry May!
We'll banish care and fear;
And sing and dance from cay to day,
And laugh from ear to ear!


[i837.














~~II~


J U W E. HayfLyma'kin6








1837.] JUNE. 93
Pattern of patience,-placid punter,-say,
Since early dawn, when thou didst take thy stand,
How many nibbles hast thou had ? I pray,-
How many minnows hast thou brought to land ?
Not one !-yet comfort thee, Piscator bold;
One thing, at least, you're sure to catch,-a cold /

D. Crcat 3lbents antf 0eb .b matters. Prognostiications.

I* t49c. Crib
2 l- iemen's land. squaring
3 Transit of Venus. A ship-load of Vestals consigned to Van to Gully
41 1'u 80 &
5 aB-4AH f had a more
6 W.sinister
7 aspect than
8 Sun rises 3 h. 48 m. Mercury
9 I wish my Son would rise as soon,
To breathe the balmy air of June,- squaring to
10 The lazy dog i Mars
Not snoring half his hours away,
11 Lie like a torpid lump of clay, .
12 ToouehOr old King Log.
STo rouse the sluggard from his nest, Then,
13 I've all things tried, and done my best,- a touching
The prig I as touching
14 I've stripped the clothes, in hopes he'd mend; THE
I've given him strap,-a thick rope's end,- WATH
15 Cold pig WEATHER,
16 In vain -There lies the stupid clown,
As if the Night Mare held him down. '
17 what better
18 Battle of Waterloo. Lo r in season. index
19 need we of
20 "fl G 8
21 Daniel Lambert died. Grand Diet of Worms.
22 a The grave-digger fled, all a-shi'ring and shaking, its ever-
22 For old Mother Earth she cried, [aki shifting
923 With a terrible roan: Why the dence are you
24 This precious big hole in my side = A
25 QUATERn DAY. Moon hides behind a cloud, for fear variable
26 [of being shot- variations
27 0 oolit
Ha! my lad, you've caught a Tartar,
28 Landlords never give no quarter,
29 countenance
30 of
Spouse P







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


MISS AMELIA SMITH TO MISS JULIA SMYTHE.
"DEAREST JULIA,-Since that very unpleasant affair of pa's bankruptcy,
which made it so disagreeable to stop in town, I have really not had a
moment to spare. I take the first opportunity to tell you that our farming
goes on quite as well as might be expected; and I hope in a few years we
shall be able to hold up our heads again in our dear native Tooley Street,
and among our friends at dear No. 29,.
Haymaking is just over, and such fun Oh, how I wished for you, dear
Julia! you would so have liked it!-tedding, and windrowing, and staddle-
rowing, and quilling, and above all, being rolled about and tumbled to bits
by the young Browns, our handsome neighbours, who kindly offered their as-
sistance on this occasion. Young Edwin, who paid particular attention to
me, and squeezed my best transparent muslin bonnet to a mummy, and tore
my green silk frock all to rags, is one of the nicest young menin these parts,
and a great favourite with us all. Pa and ma sat on a bank directing our
proceedings out of a book pa's got, which tells you all about farming, and
agriculture, and everything. I am head shepherdess, and go out every
morning with my crook and Spanish guitar, and sit all day long on a bank
playing to the sheep and lambs; young Edwin Brown generally coming and
keeping me company with his German flute, which makes it very pleasant.
Besides having the care of the flocks, I am put in charge of the eggs and
poultry; but, though I have every reason to believe that our hens lay regu-
larly, I cannot for the life of me find their nests: and I assure you I have
searched over and over again in all the trees about the premises. The only
eggs I have been able to get were some brought in by pa the other day, and
which I immediately set under a Bantam hen; but, unfortunately, they
turned out nothing but snakes. Also a second lot, picked up by brother
John in one of his walks, which unluckily proving to be pheasants, poor
John has been informed against by a neighboring gamekeeper, and will
have to pay goodness knows what penalty, and has got the character of a
poacher into the bargain. What a fuss is here about poaching a few eggs !
My geese also have been very disappointing, though we have had the
tank in front of the house carefully covered in with invisible wire for their
accommodation, where they are kept night and day, and have fresh water
given them every morning. Ducks likewise don't go on very swimmingly;
and as to our horned cattle, things have gone very crooked. Pa bought a
lot of cows, and thereby hangs a tale, for on bringing them up to milk
we couldn't get a drop; and on inquiry found that he ought to have bought
milch cows, and not feeding cows, which are only used for making beef of.
But he soon bought others, and we have now a very good dairy, and Lucy
is quite pat at making butter, but mamma is rather green at making cheese.
Brother John attends the markets-not that we have anything to sell-
but it is considered regular; and indeed he makes a regular thing of it
by getting tipsy every market day. Emily, who, you know, was always very
fond of birds, bought a lot of pigeons, and a tame hawk, and a jackdaw; but,
unfortunately, the hawk got one day into the d6vecot, and killed every one of
the pigeons; and the jackdaw has stolen all our silver forks and spoons.
Brother John purchased a lot more pigeons at the market, which flew away
the next morning; and pa, in his rage, wrung the jackdaw's neck, so that
we are safe to see no more of our forks and spoons.
Ma undertook to manage the bees, and has had a glass hive fixed at her
bed-room window. The first night she was very unlucky; for, getting up in
the dark to open the window, she forgot the bees, and smashed one of the


[I837.







1837.] MISS AMELIA SMITH TO MISS JULIA SMYTHE. 95

hives, whereupon the little savages flew at her and almost stung her to death;
and pa, who heard her cries and jumped out of bed to her assistance, got as
roughly handled as ma. Only fancy, Julia dear, being in nothing but your
chemise, and two hundred thousand bees stinging at you like mad! not
pleasant, is it?
Our pig-sties, I am sorry to say, are quite empty, the pigs having strayed
and got into the parish pound (unknown to us, of course), where they were
at last sold to pay their expenses. Susan, however, has been very successful
in rearing a litter of Guinea pigs, and Emily has got a most delightful lot
of little peacocks. Also John, who has bought a hunter and means to follow
the hounds, has had wonderful luck with his foxes, for whose accommoda-
tion he has planted two of our largest fields full of gorse bushes. A singular
thing occurred the other day with regard to one of these creatures: he was
seen retreating to the gorse covert, closely pursued by one of the turkeys;
and, more singular still, the turkey has never since been heard of, and it is
generally supposed that it followed the fox into one of its holes and got suffo-
cated. Several of the chickens have also disappeared in a very mysterious
way, and we can only account for it in the same manner.
Our health is capital-except ma, who has got the lumbago by sitting
without her shawl in the hay-field-and pa, who is laid up with a cold and
sore throat from standing in the draught of a winnowing machine-and
Emily, who has got a face as big as two with running to fetch the young
ducks out of the rain-and Abraham, who has almost cut his hand off with
pruning the damson trees-and John, who, I am afraid, has lamed himself
for life in trying to jump his horse over a five-barred gate with spikes on it
-and your humble servant, who has put out one of her wrists, and sprained
one of her ancles, and fractured one of her ribs in climbing up a tree after
a hen's nest-or rather, a magpie's. My wrist is so bad at this moment that
you must excuse my abruptly signing myself,
"Dearest Julia, your most affectionate
"AMELIA.
"P.S. Wrist or no wrist, I must tell you of the perfidy of that villain,
Edwin Brown. Ma has just been in to say that he has run away with his
father's dairymaid. A perjured wretch! and a dairymaid too I have for-
sworn love for ever, and made over my sheep to Emily. Oh, Julia!
"P.S. I open this sheet to tell you of the shocking fire that happened here
last night. We might have all been burnt to death in our beds. The barns,
stables, and other out-buildings are reduced to cinders; and all owing to
William's fine rick of hay, which it seems was put up too green, and took
fire of its own accord. Very odd-pa's book never said a word about it. We
are all very miserable. "Your doubly afflicted "AMELIA.'


OPERATION OF THE NEW POOR LAWS.
A MAN in the last stage of destitution came before the sitting magistrate
at Lambeth Street, and stated, that having by the operation of the New
Poor Laws been suddenly deprived of parish assistance, he was reduced to
such extremity, that, if not instantly relieved, he must be driven to do a
deed that his soul abhorred. The worthy magistrate instantly ordered him
five shillings from the poor-box, and after a suitable admonition against giving
way to despair, asked him what dreadful deed he would have been impelled
to but for this seasonable relief? "To work!" said the man, with a deep
sigh, as he left the office.







1837.] MISS AMELIA SMITH TO MISS JULIA SMYTHE. 95

hives, whereupon the little savages flew at her and almost stung her to death;
and pa, who heard her cries and jumped out of bed to her assistance, got as
roughly handled as ma. Only fancy, Julia dear, being in nothing but your
chemise, and two hundred thousand bees stinging at you like mad! not
pleasant, is it?
Our pig-sties, I am sorry to say, are quite empty, the pigs having strayed
and got into the parish pound (unknown to us, of course), where they were
at last sold to pay their expenses. Susan, however, has been very successful
in rearing a litter of Guinea pigs, and Emily has got a most delightful lot
of little peacocks. Also John, who has bought a hunter and means to follow
the hounds, has had wonderful luck with his foxes, for whose accommoda-
tion he has planted two of our largest fields full of gorse bushes. A singular
thing occurred the other day with regard to one of these creatures: he was
seen retreating to the gorse covert, closely pursued by one of the turkeys;
and, more singular still, the turkey has never since been heard of, and it is
generally supposed that it followed the fox into one of its holes and got suffo-
cated. Several of the chickens have also disappeared in a very mysterious
way, and we can only account for it in the same manner.
Our health is capital-except ma, who has got the lumbago by sitting
without her shawl in the hay-field-and pa, who is laid up with a cold and
sore throat from standing in the draught of a winnowing machine-and
Emily, who has got a face as big as two with running to fetch the young
ducks out of the rain-and Abraham, who has almost cut his hand off with
pruning the damson trees-and John, who, I am afraid, has lamed himself
for life in trying to jump his horse over a five-barred gate with spikes on it
-and your humble servant, who has put out one of her wrists, and sprained
one of her ancles, and fractured one of her ribs in climbing up a tree after
a hen's nest-or rather, a magpie's. My wrist is so bad at this moment that
you must excuse my abruptly signing myself,
"Dearest Julia, your most affectionate
"AMELIA.
"P.S. Wrist or no wrist, I must tell you of the perfidy of that villain,
Edwin Brown. Ma has just been in to say that he has run away with his
father's dairymaid. A perjured wretch! and a dairymaid too I have for-
sworn love for ever, and made over my sheep to Emily. Oh, Julia!
"P.S. I open this sheet to tell you of the shocking fire that happened here
last night. We might have all been burnt to death in our beds. The barns,
stables, and other out-buildings are reduced to cinders; and all owing to
William's fine rick of hay, which it seems was put up too green, and took
fire of its own accord. Very odd-pa's book never said a word about it. We
are all very miserable. "Your doubly afflicted "AMELIA.'


OPERATION OF THE NEW POOR LAWS.
A MAN in the last stage of destitution came before the sitting magistrate
at Lambeth Street, and stated, that having by the operation of the New
Poor Laws been suddenly deprived of parish assistance, he was reduced to
such extremity, that, if not instantly relieved, he must be driven to do a
deed that his soul abhorred. The worthy magistrate instantly ordered him
five shillings from the poor-box, and after a suitable admonition against giving
way to despair, asked him what dreadful deed he would have been impelled
to but for this seasonable relief? "To work!" said the man, with a deep
sigh, as he left the office.























Dog Days beg.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone."


HOW TO MAKE A MAD DOG.
By a Knowing Hand.
Tie a dog that is little, and one that is large,
To a truck or a barrow as big as a barge;
Their mouths girded tight with a rugged old cord (or
They'll put out their tongues) by the magistrate's order;
So you save 'em the trouble of feeding, I think,
Or the loss of your time by their stopping to drink.
Lend 'em out, 'tis a neighbourly duty, of course,
And mind they've a load that would stagger a horse.
If you've nothing to draw, why, yourselves let 'em carry (sons
Of she dogs!), or else they'll be drawing compari-sons.
With a stick or a kick make 'em gallop away,
And smoke through the streets in a piping-hot day,
Where Mac Adam is spreading his pebbles about,
And they'll pick up their feet all the quicker, no doubt;
More than all, don't allow them their noses to wet;-it
Will keep 'em alert by the wish they may get it."
All pleasures must end:-when they drop head and tail,
With their muzzles all froth, like a tankard of ale,
Turn'em loose in the road with a whoop and a hollo,
And get all the thieves and the blackguards to follow.
It's a precious good lark for the neighbours, you'll find,
With the mad dogs before and the sad dogs behind,
And you'll ne'er be molested, rely on my word,
If you keep 'em from biting a Bishop or Lord.



Second week of St. Switlin. Ladies sigh for "a little sun."


96 JULY.

Two potent elements combine
To rule the month together,
St. Swithin gives us showers of rain,
The mad dogs, biting weather.
Abd if you get a dubious gripe
From Pincher, Snap, or Toby,
The good saint's bucket comes right
To test the Hydro-phoby.

D. Grrat ZEbtints anln eb Jatl ttrs. PrognostecaUtons.


Doth not
many
a Benedick
q68 I
know
right well


that a
cloudy
brow
2 *Z
on the
aspect of
his dear
6 '
betokeneth
cool
breezes,

8 V $ *
probably
followed by
a storm,


accom-
panied with
showers?
n b6 D
And that,









= *-~;j --~ ~-ii


J U L Y. Fancy Fair..











FANCY-FAIRING.

"ONLY FANCY!"

I SAW her at the Fancy Fair:
'Twas there my heart she won
Within the sweet, romantic grounds
Of Mr. Jenkinson.
Her ma-in-law stood by her side,
Also her aunt Griselda;
Who all the younger brothers served,
While Missy" served the elder.
To cure Diseases of the Ear,
They say they've oped the mart:
But I think it's to propagate
Diseases of the heart.
I thought I'd buy a pair of gloves,
To get a bit of talk;
Her lily hands presented them,
A pair as white as chalk.
Then, feeling for the cash to pay,
Oh law," says I, I'm trick'd !"-
"Dear! what's the matter, Sir ?" said she;
Said I, My pocket's pick'd!
But never mind-I'll just step home,
Some other cash to find."-
"I reckon so!" cried some pert wag
Among the crowd behind.
To show I meant to come again,
Said I, Miss, may I beg
My umbrella and cloak to hang
Two minutes on this peg ?"
Oh yes !" said she; and off I flew
To fetch my pocket-book;
Then hasten'd back, and out of it
A five-pound note I took.
"Pray give me change, dear Miss," said I;
For I no more can find."-
"I vishes you may get it, Sir !"
Cried out the voice behind.
I1







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


The people laughed: the lady smiled
(I thought it rather strange);
Then popp'd my note into a box,
And said, We never change "
I soon found what an ass I'd been
To trust in pretty features.
Thinks I,-well, this is the last time
I'll deal with these dear creatures.
Since then I've lear'd that tricks like these
Are thought quite meritorious,
And that for boning five-pound notes
These dames are quite note-orious.
Says I, Dear Miss, such barefaced cheats
Are really past a joke;
So give me my umbrella, ma'am-
And give me, ma'am, my cloak.
"Not that I care-of course, I don't-
For losing so much gold.!"-
" Your cloak and your umbrella, Sir !
Oh la! they've both been sold !"
At that I lost my patience quite;
My rage I couldn't smother.
"Good heav'ns !" I cried, "the last dear gifts
Of a lamented mother !"
I rav'd and stamp'd, and thini7 I swore.
Cried Miss, For heaven's sake, cease!"
And then she gave me-heartless girl!-
SIn charge of the police.
To prison soon they haul'd me off,
With pushes, shoves, and jolts;
And soon I found Dame Justice' bars
Were worse than Cupid's bolts.
Now all who read my sad mishaps,
Of nymphs like these beware!
For oh there's many a real cheat
Found at a fancy fair.
And if you want your money's worth,
With honest traders barter;
For if to marts like these you go,
You'll surely be a martyr.


[C837.
















































AU C U S T.- Regata..


~

,,
P


,Ak i









AUGUST. 99

The postboys clatter to the door,
Whips cracking and spurs pricking;
The hero who went up at four
Came down at five, alive and kicking.
A ix, -., Below is a special communication
From a private source, to inform the nation.

DI. Great 3tlnts ant( @b flatters. Prognostiications.

1 Charles X. abdic. 1830. New issue of Sovereigns. if he would
2 Z look for
8 THE BALLOON ASCENT. sunshine,
4 Only threepence more, and up goes the Donkeyl."
5 Dear Captain! let me thank my lucky fate
That brings me safe and sound through every strait, he must,
And when my rebel subjects tipp'd me over,
SPlaced between them and me the Straits of Dover: ungrudg-
On terrafirma I've at length alighted,
S More dead than living, the' less hurt than frighted, ingly and
And strike me ugly-that I swear quite plain, obediently
9 I'll never venture in the air again. i
10 PTo let me go the varlets scarce were willing,
As long as they could show me for a shilling:- 4
SAt last however all was right and handy, acquiesce
By Madame's wondrous skill and-drops of brandy; aquies
12 And while my cheeks with glowing rouge were spread, in and
'Tis false to say the white usurp'd the red.
13 Then as we mounted in the clear blue sky, accede to
14 The Queen's own private Aironaute and I,
A field of handkerchiefs waved full in view, I
15 Dirty and clean, silk, cotton, black and blue;
And while the huge machine majestic rose, all her
16 I gazed on many an elevated nose,
7 nd heard, and wrote it down, with great surprise, modest re-
A man in spectacles exclaim my eyes!" p
1 Just as we threw the sand-bags quickly o'er, quirements.
And rose so high that I could hear no more.
19 So being fairly out of mortal ken, vP It
The fair one said," We'll soon come down again."
20 Too soon-for while I turn'd myself around, when, and
S Balloon and car came spinning to the ground:
The earth received my nob--too thick to split- not before,
22 The lady fell on-what she thought most fit.
I gallop'd off as fast as steeds could fly; D DV
23 To bed she posted quickly, there-to lie.
24 he may
25 reasonably
26 FAte Champttre. Field-fare arrive. R 9
27 expect
28 fair wea-
29 their to the
30 [Old Debts." end of the
31 Jews banished England, 1290. "New Way to Pay month.








[1837.


THE COMIC ALMANAC.


A, TOUGH YARN.

Guy DAVIT was a sailor bold,
As ever hated France;
And tho' he never cared for gold,
He stuck to the main chance.

Susanna Sly was what they call
A servant of all work:
Made beds, baked pies, cleaned shoes, hemmed shirts,
Blacked grates, and pickled pork.

Young Guy was born upon the Thames,
Off the Adelphi, Strand;
And so the water-do you see?-
Became his father-land.

'Twas there he served his time; and none
On wessel," boat, or raft,
More honest was: altho' 'twas known
He loved a little craft.

He soon had weathered twenty-one;
Youth's cable then let slip,
He stepped out of his master's boat,
And his apprentice-ship.

Next year, the First of August come,
He trimmed his little boat,
And plied so well his oars, he won
Old Dogget's badge and coat.

'Twas then Susanna saw him first,
And first felt Cupid's dart.
The young toxophilite had hit
The bull's-eye of her heart.

-A thousand hearts besides her own
With am'rous hopes beat higher,
It seemed as if Love, with his link,
Had set the Thames on fire.

So Sue set up her best mob cap
At Guy, to win his heart,
For some folks Love makes slatternly,
And some folks he makes smart.

But Guy was a conservative,
(The hottest of the nation,)
And so he wasn't going to yield
To any mob's dictation.







A TOUGH YARN. 101

Then Sue a tender letter wrote:
Guy didn't seem to heed it,
And not one word of answer sent;
For why ?-he couldn't read it.

Then Susan offered him her hand:
Love made her accents falter,
"Thankee," says he; but I prefers
A cable to a altar."

For Guy of foreign shores had heard,
And wonders there that be ;
He scarce could think such stories true,
So he went out to sea.

Poor Susan saw her sailor start
On board a ship of war:
Which raised her love to such apitch,
She thought she'd be a tar.

So, casting off her female gear,
She joined the merry crew;
And round the world, thro' storm and strife,
Did Sue her love pursue.

And she and Guy became sworn friends,
No hint of love e'er dropping,
Till, one day, Guy confessed he liked
A pretty maid at Wapping.

Then Susan home like lightning flew,
And so well played her part,
In likeness of a captain bold,
She won that fair maid's heart.

And, following her advantage up
(So dazzling is ambition!)
Our captain soon prevailed on her
To altar her condition.

The wedding o'er, away she went,
To Guy the tidings carried,
And gave to him the newspaper
That told his love was married.

Then Guy a loaded pistol took:
"l'll kill myself !" he cried;
"Because I will not side with Sue,
I'll be a suicide."
When Susan heard him say these words,
She at her brains let fly:
And down, a corse, he sank, by Jove;
And down she sank-by Guy!








102 SEPTEMBER. [1837.

Soft, simple innocent !-how well you show
The gentle pastimes of your Cockney mates;
From him, who sparrows shoots with penny bow,
To him who, armed with Manton, braves the fates!
Alack! it grieves me that this shoeless boy
Should bootless follow the delusive joy;
For e'en the salt of attic wit doth fail
To catch a goose:-' and thereby hangs a tale.'

D. Great 3Ebints anlb boB JMfatters. Prognostiffeations.
[deemed fair game by cab and omnibus drivers Further-
1 Passenger-shooting begins, old ladies and young children.
2 New Style. Eleven days stepped over. more,
3 n^TA JI
Bartlensy air. Fair is foul, and foul is fair," let a
1 ar Dabble thro' the mud" and filthyir. needy man

6 THE sun of Bartlemy is well-nigh set, and his latest rays 1
are dull as the Dutch metal that gilds his gingerbread essay to
7 kings. The last fair was a foul concern-the lions roared in
a saw-dust solitude and the monkeys chatter'd to empty open the
8 boxes.-" Just going to begin" was a never-ending cry, h t
Because the sights waited all day for want of see-ers-Mr. heart or
SMlerryman was sad, for people would not down with the draw
10 dumps; and though he cried "Walk up! only twopence,"
he failed to take his change out of that." In vain King the purse-
11 Richard offered his kingdom for a horse; there were only a
Sfew asses within ear-ing. The sausages met with no stuffers, strings
12 and the dog-meat pies remained unbitten, though the chim-
13 ney-sweeps looked rabid at 'em. The hot spiced nuts met x
with a cold reception; the baked plum pudding was at no Of a fair-
14 price current; and the ginger beer, though well up, would
not go down. The pyramids of apples stood as unmoved as weather
15 those of Egypt; but the nuts alone looked happy, for the f iend
People gave them "none of their jaw." The temperance friend,
S societies have turned the table to a T;-Men who have left
17 off gin do not support Mr. Gingell; and water-drinkers have
Sno affection for fire-eaters. As to the gin temples, they and shall
18 found their day pretty well over, so they blazed at night, but
their illuminated dials have made the world suspect "what's he not
19 o'clock." Even the pickpockets failed of their harvest: for forthwith
20 as the people abandoned the knaves in spirit, they were
able to guard against the rogues in grain. experience
21 6
22 a cooland
23 frosty air,
24 HARE HUNTING.
25 t IPU
26 sufficient
26 4 2u

28 to blight
28 all the.
29 QUARTER DAY. alt
blossoms
30 The landlord seizes for his rent, bat can't be called a cheat,
For though he,takes your stools and chairs, he leaves you a re-sat. of hope



































S-E PT E M B E R- Co'ckney Sp~ortsmen











THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER.
A FRAGMENT.
AND that's why I don't like a flinty soil," said the farmer.
"Talking of flints," said the gentleman in the India-rubber coat, white
cords, and top-boots, "we'd a werry honcommon day's sport shooting, the
First of September ultimo: vich there vos me and Figgins, and Wiggins,
and Higgins, and young Apollo Belvidere Hicks, the poet, vot writes werses
in Bell's Life, and sends wery anonymous letters to the Penny Magazine,
and sings a werry good song now and then at.the Adelphi Shades-a werry
slap-up party, I assure you. I writ an account of it at the time, vich I sent
to Bell's Life; but owing to a werry great press of matter of tempory
interest, vosn't able to be printed. I've got the journal in my pocket, and
if you like, I'll read it."
"By all means," said a chorus of voices. Whereupon the gentleman in
the India-rubber coat, white cords, and top-boots, douted his half-smoked
cigar, stowed it away in his silver-mounted shagreen case, and pulling out-
an amateur-built note-book, made of half-a-dozen sheets of blue-lined paper,
evidently purloined from the ledger, read as follows: '
JOURNAL OF PROCEEDINGS ON THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER ULT.
Edited by Jonathan Duggins, Esq.
"Up at six.-Told Mrs. D. I'd got wery pressing business at Woolwich,
and off to Old Fish Street, where a werry sporting breakfast, consisting of
jugged hare, partridge pie, tally-ho sauce, gunpowder tea, and-caetera, vos
laid out in Figgins's warehouse; as he didn't choose Mrs. F. and his young
infant family to know he vos a-goin to hexpose himself vith fire-harms.-
After a good blow-out, sallied forth vith our dogs and guns, namely Mrs.
Wiggins's French poodle, Miss Selina Higgins's real Blenheim spaniel, young
Hicks's ditto, Mrs. Figgins's pet bull-dog, and my little thorough-bred tarrier;
all vich had been smuggled to Figgins's warehouse the night before, to per-
went domestic disagreeables.-Got into a Paddington bus at the Bank:-Row
with Tiger, who objected to take the dogs, unless paid hextra.-Hicks said
we'd a rights to take 'em, and quoted the hact.-Tiger said the hact
only allowed parcels carried on the lap.-Accordingly tied up the dogs in
our pocket-handkerchiefs, and carried them and the guns on our knees.-
Got down at Paddington; and, after glasses round, valked on till ve got into
the fields, to a place vich Higgins had baited vith corn and penny rolls every
day for a month past. Found a covey of birds feeding. Dogs wery eager,
and barked beautiful. Birds got up, and turned out to be pigeons. Debate
as to vether pigeons vos game or not. Hicks said they vos made game on
by the new hact. Fired accordingly, and half killed two or three, vich half
fell to the ground; but suddenly got up again and flew off. Reloaded, and
pigeons came round again. Let fly a second time, and tumbled two or three
more over, but didn't bag any. Tired at last, and turned in to the Dog and
Partridge to get a snack. Landlord laughed, and asked how ve vos hoff for
tumblers.. Didn't understand hiln, but got some waluable information about
loading our guns; vich he strongly recommended mixing the powder and
shot well up together before putting into the barrel; and showed Figgins
how to charge his percussion; vich, being Figgins's first attempt under the
new system, he had made the mistake of putting a charge of copper caps into







THE COMIC ALMANACK.


the barrel instead of sticking von of 'em atop of the touch-hole.-Left the Dog
and Partridge, and took a north-easterly direction, so as to have the adwan-
tage of the vind on our backs. Dogs getting wery riotous, and refusing to
answer to Figgins's whistle, vich had unfortunately got a pea in it.-Getting
over an edge into a field, Hicks's gun accidentally exploded, and shot
Wiggins behind; and my gun going off unexpectedly at the same moment,
singed avay von of my viskers and blinded von of my heyes.-Carried
Wiggins back to the inn: dressed his wound, and rubbed my heye with
cherry brandy and my visker vith bear's grease.-Sent poor W. home by a
short stage, and resumed our sport.-HLeard some pheasants crowing by the
side of a plantation. Resolved to stop their cockadoodledooing, so set off at
a jog-trot. Passing thro' a field of bone manure, the dogs unfortunately set
to work upon the bones, and we couldn't get 'em to go a step further at no
price. Got vithin gun-shot of two of the birds, vich Higgins said they vos
two game cocks: but Hicks, who had often been to Vestminster Pit, said no
sitch thing; as game cocks had got short square tails, and smooth necks,
and long military) spurs; and these had got long curly tails, and necks all
over hair, and scarce any spurs at all. Shot at 'em as pheasants, and believe
we killed 'em both; but, hearing some orrid screams come out of the planta-
tion immediately after, ve all took to our 'eels and ran avay without stopping
to pick either of 'em up.-After running about two miles, Hicks called out
to stop, as he had observed a covey of wild ducks feeding on a pond by the
road side. Got behind a haystack and shot at the ducks, vich svam avay
under the trees. Figgins volunteered to scramble down the bank, and
hook out the dead uns vith the but-hend of his gun. Unfortunately bank
failed, and poor F. tumbled up to his neck in the pit. Made a rope of our
pocket hankerchiefs, got it round his neck, and dragged him to the Dog and
Doublet, vere ve had him put to bed, and dried. Werry sleepy with the
hair and exercise, so after dinner took a nap a-piece.-Woke by the landlord
coming.in to know if ve vos the gentlemen as had shot the unfortunate nurse-
maid and child in Mr. Smithville's plantation. Swore ve knew nothing about
it, and vile the landlord vas gone to deliver our message, got out of the back
window, and ran avay across the fields. At the end of a mile, came suddenly
upon a strange sort of bird, vich Hicks declared to be the cock-of-the-woods.
Sneaked behind him and killed him. Turned out to be a peacock. Took to
oer heels again, as ve saw the lord of the manor and two of his servants vith
bludgeons coming down the gravel valk towards us. Found it getting late, so
agreed to shoot our vay home. Didn't know vere ve vos, but kept going on.-
At last got to a sort of plantation, vere ve saw a great many birds perching
about. Gave 'em a broadside, and brought down several. Loaded again, and
killed another brace. Thought ve should make a good day's vork of it at last,
and was preparing to charge again, ven two of the new police came and took us
up in the name of the Zolorogical Society, in whose gardens it seems ve had
been shooting. Handed off to the Public Hoffice, and werry heavily fined,
and werry sewerely reprimanded by the sitting magistrate.-Coming away,
met by the landlord of the Dog and Doublet, who charged us with running
off without paying our shot; and Mr. Smithville, who accused us of man-
slaughtering his nurse-maid and child; and, their wounds not having been
declared immortal, ve vos sent to spend the night in prison-and thus ended
my last First of September."


[C837.

































OC TO B E R Brewing .








OCTOBER. Tr5

i t Hail! honest Toby, who all grumbling hates,
Who quaffs his ale, and cheerful pays his rates;
Whose faith is fixed and firm,-in stout October.-
Who scorns dissent,-except, from being sober;
Who swears the cause is best upheld by drinking,
Since he who takes to water, takes to thinking;
Who designates small beer a public scandal,
And knows no heresy but using the pump handle.


D. Grtat ibcnts anlit Obb JtMattcrs.

1 DIALOGUE.
2 Customer: What can I have, waiter ?-Waiter: What
3 would you like, Sir?
C. Can you give me a chop, or a steak ?-TW. No, Sir.
4 C. Any cold meat P-W. No.
5 C. Crust of bread and cheese P-W. No.
SC. Why, you've nothing at all in the house, then, it seems P
-W. Oh! yes we have.
7 C. What ?--W. AN ExacUTIO !
8 [Jennies, 1779.
9 A-mob of Johnnies lay rough hands on the Spinning
10 Spenser died, succeeded by Coats. (Query, Romeo ?)
11
12 Day breaks.-Poor fellow! when, and where ?
13 I pity him, I do declare;
Unlike the surly wight, who said,
14 When rous'd up from his downy bed,
15 What isn't to me, if broke or no ?
He owes me nothing." (Vide JOE.)
16 And Mrs. Day,-his loving mate,-
17 'Twill break her heart, as sure as fate.
1s Oh, no! she treats it very light;-
She's run away with Mr. Night.
19 Should Mrs. Day, though, meet her sun,
20 Then Mr. Night will be undone;
21 For by some magic,-strange to say,-
This sun will turn Night into Day.
22
23
24
25 ST. CrISPIN. All Soles Day. Cobblers' Holiday.
26 [No business done in Downing Street.
27 B -. .
28
29
30 olE
31 Brewing endg. Jfalt-brun. Sir llatthew Hale.


Prognostifications.

NOW,
lest, perad-
venture,

it should
hereby
seem to the
undiscern-
ing multi-
tude,

that I have
deserted,

the
Celestial,
Science,

and proved
an unworthy
successor
--t 6 ?
of the
defunct and
doughty
MOORE,

I do here
present
one
important
prediction,








THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1837.


ODE TO BEER.

HAIL, Beer!
In all thy forms of Porter, Stingo, Stout,
Swipes, Double-X, Ale, Heavy, Out-and-out,
Most dear.
Hail! thou that mak'st man's heart as big as Jove's!
Of Ceres' gifts the best!
That furnishest
A cure for all our griefs: a barm for all our-loaves!
Oh! Sir John Barleycorn, thou glorious Knight of Malt-a!
May thy fame never alter!
Great Britain's Bacchus! pardon all our failings:
And with thy ale ease all our ailings!
I've emptied many a barrel in my time: and may be
Shall empty many more
Before
O'er Styx I sail:
Ev'n when an infant I was fond of Ale:
A sort of Ale-y Baby,
And still I love it, spite the gibes and jokes
Of iineing folks.
For Stout I've stoutly fought for many a year;
For Ale I'll fight till I'm laid on my bier.


October! oh, intoxicating name no drink
That e'er was made on earth can match with thee !
Of best French Brandy in the Palais Royal
I've emptied many a phial;
And think
That Double-X beats O-D-V.
On thy banks, Rhine,
I've drunk such Wine
As Bacchus' self might well unsober:
But oh, Johannisberg! thy beams are shorn
By our John Barleycorn;
And Hock is not Hock-tober!
As for the rest, Cape, Claret, Calcavella,
They are but "leather and prunello,"
Stale, flat, and musty.







ODE TO BEER.


By thy side, Ale !
Imperial Tokay
Itself gives way;
Sherry turns pale,
And Port grows crusty.
Rum, Whiskey, Hollands, seem so much sour crout:
And Hodges' Mountain Dew turns out
A mere Hodge-
Podge.
Of bishops ev'n, god wot!
I don't much like the flavour:
Politically speaking, (but then, politics are not
My trade,)
Exception should be made
In Doctor Malt-by's favour.
In vino veritas, they say: but that's a fable-
A most egregious blunder.
I've been at many a wine-bibbing, ere now:
And vow,
For one that told the truth across the table,
I've seen a dozen lying under.
Besides, as old Sam Johnson said once, I've no patience
With men who never tell the sober truth
But when they're drunk: and a'n't to be believed, forsooth,
Except in their lie-bations.
Oh! do not think-you who these praises hear-
Don't think my muse be-mused with Beer !
Nor that, in speaking thus my pleasure,
I go beyond beer measure.
Would I had lived in days of good Queen Bet,
And her brave dejedners & la fourchette!
No days were e'er like hers,
At whose gay board were over seen to join
Those two surpassing Sirs,
Sir John, and famed Sir-loin.
But stay!
It's time to end this lay;
Tho' I could go on rhyming for a year
(And think it sport
In praise of Beer);
But many folks, I know, like something short.








1o8 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [I837.



SO-OH!-LOGICAL SOCIETY.
AT the Annual Meeting of the So-oh !-logical Society, the Chair-
man, in an able speech, which was highly satisfactory to himself and
all present, congratulated the members on the prosperous state 6f
the concern. He informed them that their coffers and their dens were
yet undrained; that they were still able to raise the wind, though
they had very little ventilation; that the shilling orders were on the
increase, though the animals were in a decline; and, admitting that
some of them had galloped off in a consumption, there was a con-
solation in the old adage, that living asses were far better than dead
lions,-a truth of which they must all feel a full conviction.
He stated that 15,073 pennyworths of apples, 10,732 gingerbread
cakes, and 6,532 half-pints of nuts had been sold during the yearby
the old lady who sits at the bear-pit; that a Sunday school had
been established in the Gardens, under the superintendence of a
committee of noblemen, for the purpose of instructing the apes and
monkeys in the art of smoking cigars, and other usages of fashion-
able life; but that the throngs of ladies who crowded round them
during school-hours had greatly retarded their improvement, by
staring them out of countenance.
He thought it right to mention to the Meeting that the Council,
in the choice of the Society's servants, had borne in mind that mere
experience is but empiricism, and they had discovered that whoever
could wash a coach-wheel could water a rhinoceros; that an over-
grown Tiger was a proper person to feed a Lion, and the offspring
of their darlings were doubtless best qualified to fodder their deers.
He congratulated the Meeting, that while common show-men were
confined by their capabilities to merely exhibiting their animals alive,
this collection presented exclusively the additional advantage of a
speedy opportunity of dissection. He concluded by an announce-
ment, for which he trusted they would ever prove grateful, that his
Majesty had granted to the Society permission to appear at Court
with long ears and a tail, and to distinguish themselves by the ap-
pendage of any letters not exceeding three to their names, but
ending with an S. At this intimation the delighted Ear-ers trotted
away to give orders to their tail-ers, and to search their dictionaries.
They all returned suit-ed before they got far into the alphabet.
The President then read an interesting letter from a member
detailing new facts in the history of the domestic cat (fclis com-







SO-OH !-LOGICAL SOCIETY.


munis). The writer's housekeeper had been making her annual
brewing of elder wine, which was left in the barrel, unstopped,
secundum artem, to ferment. Hearing an extraordinary noise in
the cellar, she ventured to peep through the key-hole, and to her
consternation beheld about twenty strange cats, assembled, ap-
parently on the invitation of the Tortoise-shell of the family. They
were engaged in springing in succession on the barrel, plunging
their tails through the bung-hole into the delicious liquid till
saturated, and then sucking them dry. The old lady distinctly
heard her pet grimalkin say to a grave tabby gentleman, who seemed
tasting, with an air of connoisseurship, "How! How !" to which
he replied, in sounds which seemed to her very like More brandy."
The worthy dame fell down in a swoon, and was found by some of
the servants in a state of insensibility, with an empty brandy bottle
in her hand, and she had only sufficiently recovered to narrate the
above remarkable occurrence. The letter was ordered to be pub-
lished in their Annual Report, and many other tails of cats formed
subjects of conversation during the evening.
A learned member offered a shrewd conjecture that the common
shrew was the connecting link between quadrupeds and a certain
variety of woman-kind, and that the universal chain might again
ie traced from man to the feathered race, through the medium of
the human thief, especially when he was a-robbin!
The secretary informed the society that in consequence of the
discoveries of the British Association, the giraffes had been lately
fed on lettuce leaves, which had so far imparted to their necks the
properties of caoutchouc, that they now possessed the capability of
indefinite extension. At this period of the proceedings one of the
animals stretched his neck from his stable to the council room, and
as the president was proceeding to offer some consolation on the
head of the dead lion, by descanting on the spur in his tail, put his
face into the midst of the company, and, for the first time in his
life, cried out, "Bah !" which had the effect of breaking up the
assembly.








11o NOVEMBER.

The night comes on, when, braving civic law,
The little savage burns his man of straw;
Admires the hero as the crackers fly,
And fires, to emulate the glorious Guy.
With artless art he plans his victim's fall,
Some apple-woman dozing at her stall,
Who, waking, cries-half conscious of the fray-
"How very odd my pairs is blow'd away !'

D. Great Bbents anu e@tb JAaltters. Prognostfications.


[Crockford, Joseph Hume, Dan. O'Connell.
1 ALL SAINTS. DukeofCumberland, LordLyndhurst, LordMelbourne,
2 F irst Day of Term. Nervous epidemic among sundry idle gents,
9 3 Y w who expect to be raised to the Bench, and
4 who are premed to "man the Fleet."

5 GuNPOwDER PLOT. Guy Yato blows up the House of Lords.
61 FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.
i What a pity 'tis this glorious fun day
8 Should chance, this year, to fall on Sunday;
9 And leave us thus without the hope
10 Of burning Guy Fawkes and the Pope;
11 Balking the little blackguard boys
12 Of all their pretty, simple joys !
S I'm sure'twill grieve them very sadly,
And other innocents as badly,
S Whose pious hate to warm and cherish,
15 The Pope, at all events, should perish;
16 Forfires have always been the test
17 For proving orthodoxy best.
1s But stay !-perhaps, on application,
19 His Holiness a dispensation
May grant, and, merely for this one day,
S Consent to burn with Guy on Monday.
21
22
23
24
25
26 First night of Tom and Jerry. Larks in season.
27
28
29
'30 Insurrection of the Poles, 1830. Ladies attheTreadmill refus
Eto have their hair cropped.


2


duly
concocted
according
to art,
? *UnItD
to the
fulfilment
whereof


I,
RIGDUM
FUNNIDOs,
do
hereby
pledge my
astrological
reputation,

viz.
The doom
of Turkey
may be
looked for
C r8
as fixed


at

Christmas!







































NOV E M BR. S!RSCeciijas Day


-I .







III


MUSIC'S POWER.
Music hath pow'r over all the world:
By the old and young 'tis prized.
'Tis loved by the great, 'tis loved by the small,
And by the middle-sized.
Music hath pow'r o'er the warrior stern,
In days of repose or of strife.
In battle, the bagpipe is passing sweet:
In peace, the drum and fife.

Music hath pow'r over ladye fair,
When stars thro' heav'n are straying;
And under her window her own true-love
On the hurdy-gurdy's playing.

Music hath power in the morn of life:
A pow'r not unfelt by any one.
No trumpet e'er sounds, in after-days,
So sweetly as youth's penny one.

Music hath pow'r in age to recal
Sweet thoughts of youth and home.
Oh how my heart-strings crack to hear
A boy blow thro' a comb!

Music hath pow'r over shepherd and swain,
As, at eve, when the wood-dove moans,
He softly soothes his soul to repose
With the jew's-harp's tender tones.

Music hath pow'r in the solemn aisles,
A deep and a holy charm:
When the clerk, with a pitch-pipe symphony,
Strikes up the hundredth psalm.

Music hath pow'r in the Thespian hails:
I've been where thousands sate,
And heard a thousand paeans rise
To welcome All round my hat."

Music hath pow'r in the city's din.
How passing sweet to list,
Amid the busy hum of men,
To the barrel-organist







112 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1837.

Music hath pow'r in the forum's walls,
'Mid the gay and giddy throng.
Oh is there a heart that has not beat high
At the magic sound of the gong ?

Music hath pow'r on the bright, blue lake.
Oh how on thy lake, Geneva,
I've listened at eve to the far-off sound
Of the marrow-bone and cleaver !

Music hath pow'r on Hybla's hill,
When summer bees are humming;
And fair hands charm the insect band,
On frying-pan sweetly strumming.

Music hath pow'r when lady lips
Chant forth some simple ditty
Of blighted hope or hapless love:
Providing the lady's pretty.

Music hath pow'r at morn's bright hour,
When the lark to heav'n's gate climbs.
And, at midnight, how sweet to hear King Cole"
Played on the parish chimes!

Music hath pow'r neathh the torrid zone,
Where love in his ardour is found;
And the heart of the Indian melts
At the tom-tom's am'rous sound.

Music hath pow'r on Greenland's ice;
When guileless hearts grow gladder,
And nimble feet rejoice at the sound
Of a dozen peas in a bladder.

Music hath pow'r over brutish hearts,
To shake them to their middle.
The nightingale dies on the poet's lute;
And a bear will dance to a fiddle.

Yes : music hath power o'er the wide, wide, world:
A power that's deep and endearing.
But music now has no power on me,
For I'm very hard of hearing.
















IJiil



























DECEMB E R, Chriscmas Eve.









1837.] DECEMBER. 113

"Last scene of all," that ends the year,
And ushers in brave Christmas cheer,
Come, deckt as thou wert wont to be,
In festive smiles and revelry,
With roasted beef and minced pies,,
And pudding of gigantic size!
Fit emblem of our wealth's vast sum;
I'd be contented with a plum.


I


D.I GrEat ZEbmnts anbt bft Rttattcrs.

1
2 A RISING GENIUS.
Timothy Sly's own Epistle (not the Master's).-
SDEA DICK,-I copied my school letter to Father and
5 Mother ten times before one was good enough, and while
the teacher is putting the capitals and flourishes in I shall
6 slip this offon the sly. Our examination was yesterday and
the table wa" covered with books and things bound in gilt
and silk for prizes but were all put away again and none of
g us got none only they awarded Master Key a new fourpenny
bit for his essay on Locke because his friends live next door
9 and little Coombe got the tooth-ake so they would not let
him try his experiments on vital air which was very scurvy.
10 It didn't come to my turn so I did not get a prize but as the
Company was to stop tea I put the eat in the water butt
which they clean it out in the holidays and they will be sure
12 to find her and we were all treated with tea and I did not
like to refuse as they might have suspext something. Last
13 night we had a stocking and bolster fight after we went to
bed and I fought a little lad with a big bolster his name is Bill
14 Barnacle and I knocked his eye out with a stone in my
15 stocking but no body knows who did it because we were all
in the dark so I could not see no harm in it. Dear Dick
16 send me directly your Wattses Hyms to show for I burnt
mine and a lump of cobblers wax for the masters chair on
17 breaking up day and some small shot to pepper the people
with my quill gun and eighteen pence in coppers to shy at
the windows as we ride through the village and make it one
19 and ninepence for there's a good many as Ive a spite against
and if father wont give it you ask mother and say its for
20 yourself and meet me at the Elephant and Castle and if
there's room on the coach you can get up for I want to give
21 you some crackers to let off as soon as we get home while
22 they are all a Kissing of me
23 Your affectionate brother
24 TIcoTaY SLY.

25 COnsTuAs Day. Grand Couricil of Nice.
26
27
28 INNOCENT. Lamb's Holiday. Celebration of Lord
29 [Melbourne's acquittal.
30 gge ?
31 Silvester(Daggerwood?)


Prognostiieations.

about
which time,


many
aldermen
will be
hung in
chains;
D)9 111t
a dreadful
doom!

S 6 111
but not
so dreadful

n1 *
as
their final
sentence,
viz.


to be
anthropo-
phagized,


or
devoured!








114 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1837.


THE CRIER'S SONG.

GoOD people all,
Both great and small,
Come listen to my rhyme!
Let others sing the praise of Spring:
My theme's the Christmas time.
['Old up the lantern, vill you, Bill?]
Oh i time of joy
To man and boy;
Rich, poor; grave, gay; low, high:
When none but sounds of mirth are heard;
And only criers cry.
Come, ope your gates!
The bellman waits
To claim his annual levy.
And hopes, to lighten his old heart,
You'll stand a pot of heavy.
['Ow werry sewere the cold is, to be sure! it qvite makes von's head turn
round. I might have been having a drop too much-and I'm sure I haven't:
no-not a drop-too much. I only had half a pint o' beer at Mr. Simkins's
-and a small glass of gin at Mr. Wiggins's-and the least drop as ever
vos o' visky at Mr. Higgins's-and a pot of porter at Mr. Figgins's-and a
thimbleful of brandy at Mr. Villiam Smith's-and a mug of stout at Mr.
Valter Snith's-and a glass of grog at Mr. Thomas Smith's-and the share of
a pint of purl at Mr. John Smith's-and a teacupful of cherry bounce at Vidow
Smith's-and a draught of Dublin stout at Miss Smith's-and I'm sure that
couldn't do nobody no harm; could it, Bill?]
There's not a stage
Of youth or age-
No spot in life's dull round,
But, like a guardian angel, there
Your faithful crier is found.
[Vell, I never vos out in sech a frost in my life: I can't keep my legs
the least bit as ever vos. Slippery times these is, to be sure. Hold the
lantern up, vill you, Bill?]
When first a wild
And poor lost child,"
Seduced by Punch's laughter,
You stray in tears about the streets,
Don't I go crying after?
Fz il you 'old the lantern stiddy, Bill; and not keep vhirling it about in
that vay. Vot lots o' rewolving lights there is in this part of the city, to be
sure !]
In after-life,
When vixen wife
Goes running o'er the town;
And, what is worse, runs you in debt;
Why-don't I cry her down?








THE CRIER'S SONG.


[Vell, I'm blest if ever I see such printing as this: they've let the paper
slip, and printed the werses twice over.]
And when Lord Mayor,
The civic chair
With dignity you press,
For very joy, then, don't I cry-
Oh, yes oh, yes! oh, yes!
I vishes them there vaits couldn't make such a nise with their 'arps and
'orns: nob'dy can't 'ear a vord as I says: they're no gentlemen, I'm sure:
they might vait vaiting till I've done.]
Then listen all,
Both great and small,
To what your crier declares:
Be sober [hiccup], true, and honest; and
You all may be Lord Mayors.
[It's no use talking-nor reading nayther-for I can't get a vord out-it's
so werry cold Werses is qvite lost switch rhymy veather as this. Bill, I see
there's music and dancing going on at the gin shop over the vay; so never
mind boxing no more to-night, but let's go and jine in the "Waults."]

SCRAPS FROM THE ANNUAL REGISTER.
JAN. 9.-At a general meeting of the Governors of Christ's Hospital, Sir
John Soane's splendid architectural design for a new gateway to the school
was adopted, with one, dissentient only, to whom it was conceded, at his
special request, that his protdg6 should be allowed to enter through a Pipe
of Port.
FEB. 10.-An eminent apothecary in the New Road attended at Maryle-
bone office to prosecute his errand boy, who, when sent out with medicine,
being versed in Shakspeare, used to throw physic to the dogs," and sell the
empty bottles: the boy had spent the money in going to see the Bottle Imp.
The doctor said his suspicions were first excited by finding his patients sud-
denly getting well. His worship at first threatened the culprit with the
pillory and the black-hole; but afterwards changed the sentence into pills
and a black draught, as more severe, and desired his master to take him home
and dose him.
MARCH 10.-A young lady at the Bucks county ball was apparently seized
with convulsions in the midst of a quadrille. Her mamma ran to her assis-
tance, and matters were soon restored. It seems that, her waist having been
reduced to the minimum of magnitude, she was always obliged to be un-
hooked behind before she could sneeze.
MAY 25.-An elderly Gentleman was charged with having kissed a Lady
for a Lark, in the fields near Kentish Town. He was fined five shillings for
not being a better naturalist, with an admonition from the worthy magistrate,
that most of the birds in that district belonged to the order "Pass-er."
JUNE 23.-The splendid pair of yahoos, recently presented to the So-oh!-
logical Society by the Duke of C-- have shown such extraordinary apt-
12


I837.]








THE CRIER'S SONG.


[Vell, I'm blest if ever I see such printing as this: they've let the paper
slip, and printed the werses twice over.]
And when Lord Mayor,
The civic chair
With dignity you press,
For very joy, then, don't I cry-
Oh, yes oh, yes! oh, yes!
I vishes them there vaits couldn't make such a nise with their 'arps and
'orns: nob'dy can't 'ear a vord as I says: they're no gentlemen, I'm sure:
they might vait vaiting till I've done.]
Then listen all,
Both great and small,
To what your crier declares:
Be sober [hiccup], true, and honest; and
You all may be Lord Mayors.
[It's no use talking-nor reading nayther-for I can't get a vord out-it's
so werry cold Werses is qvite lost switch rhymy veather as this. Bill, I see
there's music and dancing going on at the gin shop over the vay; so never
mind boxing no more to-night, but let's go and jine in the "Waults."]

SCRAPS FROM THE ANNUAL REGISTER.
JAN. 9.-At a general meeting of the Governors of Christ's Hospital, Sir
John Soane's splendid architectural design for a new gateway to the school
was adopted, with one, dissentient only, to whom it was conceded, at his
special request, that his protdg6 should be allowed to enter through a Pipe
of Port.
FEB. 10.-An eminent apothecary in the New Road attended at Maryle-
bone office to prosecute his errand boy, who, when sent out with medicine,
being versed in Shakspeare, used to throw physic to the dogs," and sell the
empty bottles: the boy had spent the money in going to see the Bottle Imp.
The doctor said his suspicions were first excited by finding his patients sud-
denly getting well. His worship at first threatened the culprit with the
pillory and the black-hole; but afterwards changed the sentence into pills
and a black draught, as more severe, and desired his master to take him home
and dose him.
MARCH 10.-A young lady at the Bucks county ball was apparently seized
with convulsions in the midst of a quadrille. Her mamma ran to her assis-
tance, and matters were soon restored. It seems that, her waist having been
reduced to the minimum of magnitude, she was always obliged to be un-
hooked behind before she could sneeze.
MAY 25.-An elderly Gentleman was charged with having kissed a Lady
for a Lark, in the fields near Kentish Town. He was fined five shillings for
not being a better naturalist, with an admonition from the worthy magistrate,
that most of the birds in that district belonged to the order "Pass-er."
JUNE 23.-The splendid pair of yahoos, recently presented to the So-oh!-
logical Society by the Duke of C-- have shown such extraordinary apt-
12


I837.]








116 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [8I37.

ness, under the influence of example and good society, that on Sunday last,
after.having been submitted to the respective operations of Mr. Stulz and
Madame Carson, they were allowed to walk out among the fashionables, when
they deported themselves so well, that none but those in thesecret could dis-
tinguish them from the rest of the company.
JULY 15.-The torrents which ushered in the morning led many to believe
that, as this was the first day of St. Swithin's reign, so he had also selected
it for his coronation; and in this they were confirmed by the streaming of
the people along the streets, and the wringing of the Belles.
Ana. 26.-At the meeting of the British Association, at Bristol, Professor
Buckland announced, as an indisputable fact, that the antediluvians kept
cows, and vended their produce as we do; for, in the plains of Bul-garia,
he had recently discovered a petrified milk walk, with a fragment of a fossil
pump-handle at the end of it.
SEPT. 1.-A sporting Cockney was unlucky enough to hit a cow in the
calf of her leg, at Hornsey. She was no sooner in a limp than he was in a
hobble, and he found to his cost that leg of beef is not always to be peppered
with impunity.
SEPT. 12.-Mr. Curtis announced his intention of standing for the Borough
of Eye, in the event of a dissolution of Parliament, and made his opening
speech to the voters amidst cries of Ear Ear!"
OCT. 10.-" Found, a healthy male Infant," &c., &c. That ancient sine
qua non to persons crossing the seas, a child's caul, is now a mere.drug in the
market. Instead of making it a compagnon de voyage, numbers cross the
seas to avoid it. A child's call, in high preservation, may be picked up on
any moonlight night, in any blind alley where you see Rubbish to be shot
here." A handbill headed" Desertion," formerly a monstrosity of un-English
shape, is now a forme that the parish printer always keeps standing; and
the beadles dryly observe, that they are become wet nurses to the children of
half the parish. The Honourable Commissioners of the mechanical powers,
Messrs. Leave-er, Wedge, and Screw, are indefatigable in fulfilling the in-
tentions of their employers who have devised this happy state of things, to
save themselves and their hopeful heirs from the unpleasant necessity of
answering "A child's call."
Nov. 2.-A resolution was carried in the Common Council not to allow
any more money for summer excursions on the water. The minority said
they dreaded the vengeance of the ladies, and many members returned
home in a very unhappy state, looking anxiously about for inscriptions of
"Broken crockery mended here;" for they knew, by past experience, that
man is the vessel that goes to pot when it comes to family jars.


Our revels concluded, a merry farewell
To all but afew irreclaimable sinners,
Who, if they were honest, might happen to tell
That they've had their deserts, tho' we've ruin'd their dinners.