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The Comic almanack
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078634/00002
 Material Information
Title: The Comic almanack
Physical Description: 2 v. : fronts. (1 fold.) illus., plates (part fold.) ; 20 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Cruikshank, George, 1792-1878 ( illus )
Thackeray, William Makepeace, 1811-1863
Smith, Albert, 1816-1860
Beckett, Gilbert Abbott, 1811-1856
Mayhew, Horace, 1816-1872
Mayhew, Henry, 1812-1887
Hotten, John Camden, 1832-1873
Publisher: J. C. Hotten
Place of Publication: London
Creation Date: 1836
Publication Date: [1870-71]
 Subjects
Subjects / Keywords: Almanacs, English   ( lcsh )
Genre: non-fiction   ( marcgt )
 Record Information
Source Institution: University of Florida
Holding Location: Department of Special Collections and Area Studies, George A. Smathers Libraries, University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 000632441
notis - ADG2054
lccn - 31004883
System ID: UF00078634:00002

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Front Cover
    Front Matter
        Front Matter 1
        Front Matter 2
        Front Matter 3
        Front Matter 4
        Front Matter 5
    Half Title
        Half Title
    Frontispiece
        Image : cold water cure
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Preface
    The comic almanack for 1836
        Page 39
        Proclamation
            Page 40
            Page 41
        January
            Page 42
            Image : Jan.
        Slangology
            Page 43
            Page 44
            Paragraphs extraordinary
                Page 44
        February
            Image : Feb.
            Page 45
        Humbuggum ass - trologicum pro anno 1836
            Page 46
            Page 47
        Invitation of "the select" to Bartholomew Fair
            Page 47
        March
            Page 48
            Image : March
        April
            Image : April
            Page 51
        Lay of the last alderman
            Page 49
            Page 50
            Image : Wine
        Advertisements and paragraphs extraordinary
            Page 52
        May
            Image : May
            Page 53
        Dramatic fact
            Page 54
        June
            Image : June
            Page 55
        Servant of all work
            Page 56
            Page 57
            Page 58
        July
            Image : July
            Page 59
        Stanzas
            Page 60
        August
            Image : Aug.
            Page 61
        Advertisements extraordinary
            Page 62
        September
            Image : Sept.
            Page 63
        Epistle from sir John North to Rigdum Funnidos gent
            Page 64
        October
            Image : Oct.
            Page 65
        Annual register of remarkable occurrences
            Page 66
            Page 67
            Page 68
        November
            Image : Nov.
            Page 69
        Extracts from the proceedings of the association of British Illuminati at their annual meeting held in Dublin August 1835
            Page 70
            Page 71
        The notorious unknown
            Page 71
        Five belles
            Page 72
        Advertisements extraordinary
            Page 72
        December
            Image : Dec.
            Page 74
        Finale
            Page 74
    Back Matter
        Back Matter 1
        Back Matter 2
    Back Cover
        Back Cover
Full Text













Al












S Odd And Interesting

Dickens once visited Crilkshank's Atudio and there saw
a series of pictures illustrating the career of a London
thief. There was a sketch of Falin's den. the Artful
Dodger, Charley Bates and Bill Stkes. All these Dickeni
.worked Into the book, "Oliver Twist."


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*






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Nt Uerily
nttu raitg
of lortiha
Stfbrarte


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v.(
SPECIAL:
COLLECTIONS
BOOK ART
V lge (ift of
Virginia Graham


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THE

COMIC ALMANAC.


IST SERIES, 1835-1843.






U ayuf t c a 6L &MLZ' J
4 i 1 -A
s ~;c a aIt, eAAOO ~7


I4


AOOL YTAKKCAX.'
O!tl eh i- s (L ik) -


The Cold Water Cure.


-I~
b\


.**'" ^ ; ^.


i







THE


COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPIIEMERIS:IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,

QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
STHACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.












"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF."

lBiti mango Tunbreb Illustrations

BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.











PRELIMINARY.




T HE Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long
been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as
among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending
over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive,
they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the
varied excellences of his marvellous power.
The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of
the Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged
upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers
Mayhew, the late Robert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has
been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of
"Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently
appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and Barber Cox, or the Cutting
of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for
1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2s. 6d., but
in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to Is.
The change did not produce the increased circulation expected,
and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2s. 6d. In
this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added,
and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner,
the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the work.
For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly
sought after by collectors, and as much as 61. and 71. have
been given. for good copies.
A Second Series, completing the work, will shortly be pub-
lished. It will be uniform in size and appearance with the
present volume, and embrace the years 1844-1853.
J. C. H.
















THE

COMIC ALMANAC

FOR 1836.


















PROCLAMATION.
WIIEEEAS some evil-minded folks,
It ill becomes to crack such jokes,
Have made a most unseemly rout,
By spreading false reports about,
That FRAxCIS MOORE, the fam'd IPhysician,
Is still alive, in sound condition;
And all we said about his dying,
Last year, was nothing else b-t lying;
Our gravity was all a hoax,-
Our sober sayings only jokes-
'Twas but a trick to gain his pelf,
And lay the Conj'ror on the shelf,
That he might be as much forgotten
As tho' in earnest dead and rotten;
And thereby fill with consternation
The ancient female population.
To prove this true, they say that MOORE,
Who, they assert, is not No 3ORE,"
Gives out predictions quite as clever,
And full of sense and truth,-as ever !
Shade of the mighty Seer look down,
And blast the wretches with thy frown!
Thou know'st on us thy mantle fell;
Thou know'st, too, that it fits us well.

But baser caitiffs go much further,
And tax us with committing uurther !
They swear we burst into his room,
And quickly seal'd his dreadful doom;
For that we hocuss'd first his drink,
Then poison'd him with writing ink;







PROCLAMATION.


And having thrown him on the floor,
We basely burk'd the gracious MOORE i
They vow we did this bloody deed
That we might to his fame succeed;
But good, they say, can't come of ill,
For let us do whatever we will,
We never shall,-and that is plain,-
The fools or the old women gain.
Now, to confirm this idle talk,
They swear they've seen his spectre walk;
And that he's got a strange vagary,
At times, to be quite STATIONARY,
And haunt a certain place, where he
Affects Old Women's CoMPANY,
Who, spite of all we've sung or said,
Cannot believe that he is dead,
But to persuade themselves they try
That FRAScIs MoonE can never die !
Now, having gathered facts like these
(Enough to cause one's blood to freeze),
We've issued forth this Proclamation
To all the lieges of the nation,
(Surmounted by MOORE'S arms and crest,
Of which by right we've 'come possest.)
To seize the knave, and maul him sore,
Who passes off for.FRANcIS MooRE;
(That is, if any such there be,
Of which we're much in dubity)
For FRANCIS Moon~, whom we succeed,
Is very-very dead, indeed.
But should it prove a real ghost,
Who, with a Fool's-cap, takes his Post,
To grasp the Crown we've fairly got,
We warn him he shall go to Pot,
And in the Red Sea soon be laid;
Or to his warm berth posted back,
Where he'll be hotpress'd in a crack,
Unless his exit's quickly made;
For none but nincompoops and fools
Let dead men push them from their stools."
(Signed) RIGDUM FUNNIDOS.








42 JANUARY. [1836.

Kind Reader !" (as old Francis always said,)
Beware of counterfeits, for Frank is dead;
Some Quack survives-phlisician-if he will,
To swallow, of our physic, many a pill.
We'll spread the caustic 'midst the town's applause,
And thank the public that the blister draws.
M Season's Ib.
D Signs. IW ftlatters. WATHER.


q


When it
freezes
and
blows
take
care of
your
nose
that it
doesn't
get
froze
and
wrap up
your
toes in
warm
worsted
hose.
At
night
ere you
slip
into
bed
you
may
sip a
can of
good
flip.


"HARD FROST."
The day is clear, the frost is hard,-
I very much incline,
As I'm a dab, to have a skate
Upon the SERPENTINE.
There's Mr. Tait,-he cuts an eight;
He cannot cut a nine;
And I could cut as good a figure
On the SERPENTINE.
I hate the eight of Mr. Tait,
For he's no friend of mine;
He used me once so ungenteely
On the SERPENTINE.
For in the tele of Mr. Tait
There harbour'd a design,
To break the ice with Sophy Price
Upon the SERPENTINE.
He cut in there, and cut me out
Of my sweet Valentine,
Which cut quite cut me to the heart,
Upon the SERPENTINE.
She cut me, while I thought that I
Was cutting such a shine,
By cutting out her pretty name
Upon the SERPENTINE.
So, Billy, bring my polish'd skates,-
My love I wont resign;
She meets her knight, I know, to-day,
Upon the SERPENTINE.
And if my sweet wont follow suite,
But still my suit decline,
-The thaw I'll wait, to seal my fate,
All in the SERPENTINE.


-I-


My
profound


prognostifi-
cations
of the
weather

SA &*
for
the past
year

Dd 0
have all
proved
so correct,

012


and
I have

OQA

herein,
as well as

in all
in all
i ____





































JANUARY, "Hard Frost"








SLANGOLOGY.


SLAIGOLOGY.
SWith many holiday and court-like phrase-"
Shakespeare's Henry IV., Part I.

MIss ARABELLA WILNHELM A WIGGINS is the pattern of gentility:
She never utters vulgar words, but talks just like nobility.
I met her at Vauxhall, last year, and she gave me a sad relation
About Miss Briggs: I recollect it every word;-but here's her own narration :
" Oh, dear my dear Miss Popkins! have you heard what befel Miss B. ?
(1 wish, Papa, you'd get up to snuff the lights; one can hardly see:
Oh, la! you've made 'emflare up so, I declare we are quite in a blaze:
And, bless me! there's all the people staring at us, all in amaze !)
I'll tell you, while Papa is taking his punch; his pipkin he calls the bowl,
(You make yourself scarce any punch at home, Papa; so I suppose you'll
drink the whole).
I'm sure he will, Miss P.; and even then he wont have quench'd his drouth.
(I really wonder, Pa', how you can pour so much punch down in the mouth.)
But how I rattle on! quite forgetting all about Miss B.
You must know we were on a visit at a country cousin's; and after tea
We strolled about with Mr. Timbs, and Mr. Figgins, a:nd Mr. Oddy;-
I declare there he goes with his eye out-staring every body.
Poor fellow he has but one, for the other's made of glass;
'Twas a sad accident; and I'll tell you how it came to pass:-
One night, he went out rabbit-shooting; the moon was shining bright;
His gun was overloaded and bursted; and so one eye lost its sight.
Well, Miss Briggs is a very bold girl; as bold a girl as one knows;
And as we were walking along, the laundress caught my eye; and
'Betty Martin,' says Miss B., where do you hang out your clothes ?'
She came to a well after that; and, really, I am almost ashamed to tell,
But, upon my word, she behav'd exceedingly ill about that well.
She began to kick the bucket; and to a man who was chopping down a tree,
She said: What are you with that axe about?' which was very rude indeed
of Miss B.;
And when he left off chopping, she said, Why don't you cut your stick ?'
The man was just then chopping a piece of wood that was thick.
Now this made him quite confused; and in his hurry his skill to show off,
He made a slip with his axe, and chopped poor Miss Brigg's little toe off.
The shock gave me such a terrible pain all over my eyes and limbs,
That I really should have fainted, if it hadn't been for that dear Mr. Timbs.
Poor Frederick Figgins was so affected that I vow he began to cry;
I'm sure he did, for I was close to him, and I saw a drop in his eye.
He's a nice young man; and I shouldn't wonder if he soon married Miss
Briggs:
Her father is a coarsish man, and says he shall, please thepigs.
He wasn't very gracious, the', at first, to Mr. Figgins;
For when he ask'd his consent, he said to him (I had the whole story from
Mr. Higgins)
ow are you off? for soap and candles, and such-like, got me all my money;
And for my daughter to marry a poor man wouldn't be vastly funny.
How's your mother left you; or have you your fortune to get ?
If you have I wish you may get it soon; but I can't let you marry Miss Bet;
But while I'm describing his bluntness, I'm wandering away from my point.
The limbs of my relation are indeed terribly out of joint.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


Well, Mr. Figgins helped Miss B. home to hop: the twig, which happened to "
lay across her foot,
Sav'd her other toes, to be sure, but there was' a terrible large gash in her
boot.
But poor Mr. F.! how he fretted! his fat cheeks than a mummy's were
thinner;
He never could eat any breakfast, and seldom could cat any dinner.
His eyes were once bright as a star: the glaze on them now was quite
ghostly;
A cloud seem'd to darken his day-lightsome and gay he'd been mostly.
A party he join'd at VAuxhall; but its gaieties fail'd to delight him :
He did nothing but swallow rack-punch; as to eating, 'twas vain to invite
him.
He called to his friend: 'Jemmy Johnson, squeeze me a lemon ;' and turning
to me then,
He said, in a voice that quite slock'd me, and looking as wild as a heathen:
'My spirits I cannot keep up; your pluck'd flowers droop slower than I do;
I'm sure that I make no mistake.-my fate will be that of poor Dido.'
(I declare I am talking pentameters; quite forgetting you're not a Blue
Stocking;
But that I am sure you'll excuse.)-Well, isn't the story quite shocking ?
Miss Briggs, tho', got quite well at last ; to the dolefuls lie bade adieu quickly;
Yet a long while he talk'd of her death, though he no longer look'd mournful
and sickly.
All round my hat, while I liv'd,' he said, a crape hatband I should have
worn,-
A shocking bad hat, to be sure; but just fit for a lover forlorn.
Think what would have been my despair, with no consolation to go to
But the' I have not lost her quite, yet, alas I have lost her in toe-toe.'"

Varagrapbs Extraor inarp.
[ADVERTISEMENT.1]-We never admit puffs into our paper in any disguise
or under any circumstances, for we are sure that "the man who would
make" a putff "would pick a pocket." It is a love for veracity alone that
induces us to state, that MONSIEuR CHARLATAN'S TUSKOLATUM MYSTI-
FICATUM for renewing decayed TEETH is the most wonderful and
surprisingly efficacious invention ever invented. How will those ancient
maidens rejoice, who have only a colt's tooth in their heads, when they are
fold, that by sowing this panacea in their gums overnight, a fine crop of
full-grown grinders will sprout up by the following morning! We speak
from our own experience; and whereas, before we used this extraordinary
invention, our great anxiety was how tb get teeth for our food, the only
matter that now troubles us is how to get food for our teeth.
AcCIDENTS.-We are happy to state that there is a great diminution in
the number of accidents in the past week. Only 250 persons have been
drowned by steam-boats; 320 women and children burnt to death, by their
clothes catching fire ; 560 run over by omnibusses and cabs ; 252 poisoned
by taking oxalic acid instead of salts; 360 scalded to death by the bursting'
of steam-boilers; 200 blown to atoms by the explosion of powaer-mills; and
about 100-there or thereabouts-stabbed by drunken soldiers, off duty; all
which evinces a great increase of vigilance, carefulness, and humanity,
highly creditable to all parties concerned.


[1836.








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


Well, Mr. Figgins helped Miss B. home to hop: the twig, which happened to "
lay across her foot,
Sav'd her other toes, to be sure, but there was' a terrible large gash in her
boot.
But poor Mr. F.! how he fretted! his fat cheeks than a mummy's were
thinner;
He never could eat any breakfast, and seldom could cat any dinner.
His eyes were once bright as a star: the glaze on them now was quite
ghostly;
A cloud seem'd to darken his day-lightsome and gay he'd been mostly.
A party he join'd at VAuxhall; but its gaieties fail'd to delight him :
He did nothing but swallow rack-punch; as to eating, 'twas vain to invite
him.
He called to his friend: 'Jemmy Johnson, squeeze me a lemon ;' and turning
to me then,
He said, in a voice that quite slock'd me, and looking as wild as a heathen:
'My spirits I cannot keep up; your pluck'd flowers droop slower than I do;
I'm sure that I make no mistake.-my fate will be that of poor Dido.'
(I declare I am talking pentameters; quite forgetting you're not a Blue
Stocking;
But that I am sure you'll excuse.)-Well, isn't the story quite shocking ?
Miss Briggs, tho', got quite well at last ; to the dolefuls lie bade adieu quickly;
Yet a long while he talk'd of her death, though he no longer look'd mournful
and sickly.
All round my hat, while I liv'd,' he said, a crape hatband I should have
worn,-
A shocking bad hat, to be sure; but just fit for a lover forlorn.
Think what would have been my despair, with no consolation to go to
But the' I have not lost her quite, yet, alas I have lost her in toe-toe.'"

Varagrapbs Extraor inarp.
[ADVERTISEMENT.1]-We never admit puffs into our paper in any disguise
or under any circumstances, for we are sure that "the man who would
make" a putff "would pick a pocket." It is a love for veracity alone that
induces us to state, that MONSIEuR CHARLATAN'S TUSKOLATUM MYSTI-
FICATUM for renewing decayed TEETH is the most wonderful and
surprisingly efficacious invention ever invented. How will those ancient
maidens rejoice, who have only a colt's tooth in their heads, when they are
fold, that by sowing this panacea in their gums overnight, a fine crop of
full-grown grinders will sprout up by the following morning! We speak
from our own experience; and whereas, before we used this extraordinary
invention, our great anxiety was how tb get teeth for our food, the only
matter that now troubles us is how to get food for our teeth.
AcCIDENTS.-We are happy to state that there is a great diminution in
the number of accidents in the past week. Only 250 persons have been
drowned by steam-boats; 320 women and children burnt to death, by their
clothes catching fire ; 560 run over by omnibusses and cabs ; 252 poisoned
by taking oxalic acid instead of salts; 360 scalded to death by the bursting'
of steam-boilers; 200 blown to atoms by the explosion of powaer-mills; and
about 100-there or thereabouts-stabbed by drunken soldiers, off duty; all
which evinces a great increase of vigilance, carefulness, and humanity,
highly creditable to all parties concerned.


[1836.




































FEBRUARY. "Transfer Day at the Bank:








1836.] FEBRUARY. 45

Look, Mrs. B-, what a crowd I see,
And the bells they make such a clatter;
And the people run, and I hear a gun !
Whatever can be the matter?
Mrs. C-, my dear, it's no good, I fear,
For us honest women and our spouses,
For the people say, the King's going to-day,
To open two very bad houses.

D Season's bb ~ 1ftatttrs. WEATHER.
M Signs.
1 In "TRANSFER DAY." other
2 this As I was walking past the Bank,
(I know not why I strolled that way,) matters,
3 gay I saw a lady tall and lank,
4 month With golden ringlets mix'd with grey; D 8
And as she tripp'd, or strove to trip,
5 1 Adown the steps, so light and gay, "I Yf ^_ *
6 would The greasy granite made her slip,
7 not And down she fell on TRANSFER DAY. SO
I rais'd her up with gallant air; worthily
8 choose For I'm a Major on half-pay, stepped
9 to Who only live to serve the fair,
At any time, in any way:
10 walk And while she blush'd a purple hue, Y4 f $ 8
11 the Her eyes obliquely shot a ray,
12 streets Which seemed to say, You will not rue into the
1 reets Your service on a TRANSFER DAY."
13 in And while the glance she threw at me shoes of my
14 dancing Was thro' my heart a-making way;
I straight began a colloquy, -
15 shoes And to myself I thus did say:
16 nor If tradesmen, when their bills they bring, renowned
Would be contented with half-pay;
17 would I'd soar aloft on freedom's wing,
18 I Nor care a rush for TRANSFER DAY.
19 for But needy men the needful need; predecessor,
So, spite of ringlets golden grey,
20 the And eyes that squint, I'll take the hint, 9
21 world Nor throw the lucky chance away.
22 b Full soon I found-ah pleasing sound !- the great
2 be With wealth she could my love repay;
23 seen No longer mute, I urg'd my suit, FRANCIS
24 to Upon that very TRANSFER DAY. MOORE,
SI leave untold our courtship fond:-
25 trip I made her Mrs. Major Cox; furlt,
26 alono And in return for Hymen's bond,
SShe kindly placed me in the stocks. II ( Xa
27 in Her heart is good, her temper mild;
28 light She rules with more than sovereign sway; which shoes,
29 naikeen. Nor have I thought myself beguil'd, by-the-bye,
Or once regretted TRANSFER DAY.







46 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [C136.


-fHmbuggimo Ass-trologicum, pro Anno 1836.



VOX MULTOBUJI, VOX STULTOBiU : the Voice of the Many
is the Voice of a Zany.-It brawleth at all Places and Seasons.


COURTEOUS READER,
I DO herewith present thee with an hieroglyphic, after the
accustomed usage of my lamented precursor and prototype,
InMANcIs Mooin, ttfunct. It prefigureth a mighty change now lying
in the womb of futurity, and which doubtless will be brought forth
in due season by the great man-midwife, Time.

And now do I most entreatingly invite thee to cast a Parthian
glance at my foregone prophetic lucubrations, and especially towards
that symbolical prefiguration or hieroglyphic, by which I brightly'
shadowed forth a certain notable event, the fulfilment whereof did
so closely follow the heels of the prediction as to cause the multitude
to marvel;-and when thou hast sufficiently pondered thereupon,







INVITATION OF THE SELECT."


I would ask thee whether thou dost not in verity deem me a fit and
worthy successor of the renowned FnAicrs MOORE, bcfunct ?
I do thus throw myself on thy candour, because certain of mine
adversaries do most ifnworthily insinuate, that my astrological
skill is stark naught; that I hold no correspondence with the stars;
that I am no more acquainted with the Great Bear than with the
Great Mogul; that I gather no signs of the Times from the signs
of the Zodiac; and, in brief, that I am no conjuror! My only.
familiar, they affirm, is a little, insignificant, diminutive thing, called
Common Sense, whose aid any one may have if he chooses; that
the said Common Sense collects together certain things called Past
.Events, with which he compares Present Appearances, and they help
him to Future Probabilities; they are then put into the crucible of
Ordinary Judgment; and my sagacious and veracious prophecies
and hieroglyphics are the result of this simple alchemy!
CANDn) READE Let thine own discretion decide, whether
logical judgment or astro-logical fudgement be the art which
influenceth my lucubrations.



INVITATION OF "THE SELECT"
TO
38artaolametle fair.
COME, buffers and duffers, and dashers and smashers,
Come, tag, rag, and bobtail, attend to my call;
Ye pickpockets, sally from court, lane, and alley,
The LORD MAYOR in person has open'd the ball.
Come, Billingsgate sinners, and cat and dog skinners,
And play up a game to make Decency stare:
A fig for propriety, sense, and sobriety!
They never were known at fam'd BARTLEMY FAIR.
Come, nightmen and dustmen, and rovers and drovers;
Come, Whitechapel butchers, and join in the throng !
With marrow-bones and cleavers, delight the coal-heavers,
While broken-nose Billy shall snuffle a song.
Ye lazy mechanics, who dearly love one day,
For wives and for children who never know care;
Who reckon Saint Monday more holy than Sunday,
Come and spend all your earnings at BARTLEM FAIR.
Ye wives and ye widows here's plenty of bidders;
Come hither, and each get a swain for herself;
To deck yourselves gaily, and grace the Old Bailey,
The pawnbrokers' shops will lend plenty of pelf.
Ye youth of the city! ye servant-maids pretty !
Ye unmarried damsels with characters rare!
Come here and be jolly, for virtue's a folly;
So, come and be ruin'd at BARTLEMY FAIR.







INVITATION OF THE SELECT."


I would ask thee whether thou dost not in verity deem me a fit and
worthy successor of the renowned FnAicrs MOORE, bcfunct ?
I do thus throw myself on thy candour, because certain of mine
adversaries do most ifnworthily insinuate, that my astrological
skill is stark naught; that I hold no correspondence with the stars;
that I am no more acquainted with the Great Bear than with the
Great Mogul; that I gather no signs of the Times from the signs
of the Zodiac; and, in brief, that I am no conjuror! My only.
familiar, they affirm, is a little, insignificant, diminutive thing, called
Common Sense, whose aid any one may have if he chooses; that
the said Common Sense collects together certain things called Past
.Events, with which he compares Present Appearances, and they help
him to Future Probabilities; they are then put into the crucible of
Ordinary Judgment; and my sagacious and veracious prophecies
and hieroglyphics are the result of this simple alchemy!
CANDn) READE Let thine own discretion decide, whether
logical judgment or astro-logical fudgement be the art which
influenceth my lucubrations.



INVITATION OF "THE SELECT"
TO
38artaolametle fair.
COME, buffers and duffers, and dashers and smashers,
Come, tag, rag, and bobtail, attend to my call;
Ye pickpockets, sally from court, lane, and alley,
The LORD MAYOR in person has open'd the ball.
Come, Billingsgate sinners, and cat and dog skinners,
And play up a game to make Decency stare:
A fig for propriety, sense, and sobriety!
They never were known at fam'd BARTLEMY FAIR.
Come, nightmen and dustmen, and rovers and drovers;
Come, Whitechapel butchers, and join in the throng !
With marrow-bones and cleavers, delight the coal-heavers,
While broken-nose Billy shall snuffle a song.
Ye lazy mechanics, who dearly love one day,
For wives and for children who never know care;
Who reckon Saint Monday more holy than Sunday,
Come and spend all your earnings at BARTLEM FAIR.
Ye wives and ye widows here's plenty of bidders;
Come hither, and each get a swain for herself;
To deck yourselves gaily, and grace the Old Bailey,
The pawnbrokers' shops will lend plenty of pelf.
Ye youth of the city! ye servant-maids pretty !
Ye unmarried damsels with characters rare!
Come here and be jolly, for virtue's a folly;
So, come and be ruin'd at BARTLEMY FAIR.








48 MARCH. [1836.

Some ready cash Dick wants to borrow
About this time-perhaps for rent;
But like most folks, he finds with sorrow
He's just too late-it's always Lent.

M Season's e@ llttrs WEAHER.
D Signs. @ att. W T R.
1 Blowing although
2 growing "DAY AND NIGHT EQUAL."
Shere's a 'Tis Six o'CLOCK;-and now the Sun
4 clatter His daily course begins to run; somewhat
5 what the While Folly's children slink away, clumsy
6 deuce Like bats who dread the glare of day,
7 can be From Masquerade or Fancy Ball, I2 2 6
8 the Where pleasure reign'd in Fashion's Hall;
9 matter p And sneak along, like guilty creatures, withal,
10 tiles With tir'd limbs and haggard features. .,
11 and The sons of toil, as they come near 'em,
12 chimney With coarse-spun jokes begin to jeer 'em; do fit me
13 pots While, au contraire, each motley hero, with
1 o Whose wit is now far under zero, marvellous
14 co With not a gibe to mock their grinning,' accuracy :
15 down Has but a sorry chance of winning.
16 and pay 0 S X 1V
17 their The Clown, with phiz so dull and sad,
18 duty Looks grave as Ghost of Hamlet's Dad; for these
19 to the And Falstaff, now he's lost his stuffing, reasons,
20 cr n Looks lean as lath, and pale as muffin; I say
2 While Harlequin, half muzz'd with wine,
21 while Don't care a rush for Columbine, E Q
22 surly But leaves her, like a careless loon,
23 north To draggle home with Pantaloon; it behoveth
24 usurps And Romeo, with empty purse, me to
25 the Abandons Juliet to her nurse.
26 south R ,, ,d S
26 south The child of labour, when he sees
27 and Such silly spectacles as these,- be tender
28 makes a How dissipation is repented,- of my
29 dusthole May with his station be contented;
30 of your For, mete them both with equal measure, S D D
31 mouth He'll find the hardest toil is pleasure. S ian ,







































MARCH. "Day and Night nearly e-qual:


:; "Il'"lll~i~i~%. ORhhlO;.~Y
Masprrcu~L
i~~l~WWHI ""clpb
= IIAIUI:I IYIKUHIIIIIUI'IIIIIIiillillil ~

:"





!~~rlii











I -


APRI L.- Greenwic P"ark.
APRIL.-- Greenwich Park.


-i








1836.] APRIL. 51

Well, neighbour, what do the papers say
About The Wisdom collective ?"
Oh their Honours are busied by night and day
SWith a list of The Lords elective:
For like old London Bridge, they declare, for years
They've been sadly obstructed by too many peers.

M Season'stt _aH
D Signs. Ob .tatters. jWEAER.


Sloshy
squashy
are
the
streets,
sloppy
droppy
all
one
meets ;
Haber-
dashers
mantua-
makers
look as
grave as
under-
takers,
for
shopping
ladies
forced
to
house
now
stay
at home
to
worry
spouse.


EASTERR MONDAY."
Can poet's quill,
Or painter's skill,
Depict the joy
Of 'Prentice Boy,
On that bright fun day,
EASTER MONDAY

Can rhetorician or logician
Describe with aught that's like precision
The rapture that dilates his soul,
Now his own master, and beyond control?
His fancy soars aloft, like a sky-rocket!
Where shall he go ?
He doesn't know,
Although "the world's before him where tc
choose,"
And he's got on a bran new pair of shoes,
And two bright shillings in his trousers'
pocket.

Perhaps he'll join the merry throng
Who love the dance and song;
Or, drawn by ASTLEY'S horses, go,
And struggling for the foremost row,"
Enjoy the feats of fam'd Ducrow;
Or at the CIRcus, as they us'd to call it,
Clamour and bawl it;
And, like a little savage,
Shout Bravo Davidge !"
Who, Richard-like, disdains to yield,
And saddles white Surrey for the field."
Or else some fellow-prentice tells
The joys he'd uaff at Sadler's Wells.

While these temptations try to start him,
A sudden fancy comes athwart him,--
"Well, only think 1-why, I declare,
I'd quite forgot there's GREENWICH FAIR !
And won't I have a precious lark
Down One-Tree Hill in Greenwich Park !"


budding
bnQLg *
n
reputation,

ST2n
and
not to put
the same

bng d*
into
jeopardy
by


any crude
or hasty

Os& 6 8
guesses or
speculations


thereupon,
as is the


wont
of those








"THE LAY OF THE LAST" ALDERMAN.

"THE LAY OF THE LAST" ALDERMAN.
I.
The feast was over on LORD MAYOR'S DAY;
The waiters had clear'd the viands away;
The Common Councilmen all were gone,
And every Alderman,-saving one;
Who to gorge and guzzle no. longer able,
Had sunk to repose beneath the table,
And, sooth'd by his own melodious snore,
Lay calmly stretch'd on the Guildhall floor.
But he lay not long in the arms of sleep,
Ere a sound, that caus'd his flesh to creep,
Startled him up from his downy bed,
And caus'd him to raise his aching head;
When oh, what a sight then met his eyes,
And chill'd his soul with sad surprise !

He bawl'd aloud when the scene was o'er,
Which awoke the porter, who open'd the door.
When a bottle of sherry had loosen'd his tongue,
'Twas thus the LATEST ALDERMAN sung :-
II.
I was rous'd from my sleep by a frightful crash,
As if all the crockery 'd gone to smash;
And I straight beheld a terrible form,-
At the end of the hall it took its stand,
With a swingeing besom in its hand,
And shouted out "REFORM !"
III.
Then stalking to me, it thus did say,
"Gone is the glory of LORD MAYOR'S DAY !
Gone-gone, for ever !
To come back never.
The Corporation Reform Bill's past,
And ev'ry ward is Cheap;
The City of London they'll squeeze at last,
And scatter her golden heap.
IV.
"Portsoken no more Port shall soke,
For guzzling.they'll aBridge it."
(I thought this quite beyond a joke,
And it put me in a fidget.)
"No 'fair round bellies with capon lin'd
Your Aldermen shall sport;
They may double the Cape, if they feel inclin'd,
But they never must touch at Port.
V.
"The Worshipful Court-so fate ordains-
Shall look like skeletons hanging in chains;
E







THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1836.

They'll need no gowns, for they'll get so thin,
They may wrap themselves round in their own loose skin;
And then in vain
Shall they complain,
Who cannot hear the shock;
Champagne shall turn to real pain,
And Turtle change to mock.
No calipash or calipee
Their longing eyes again shall see;
No more green fat !
To them shall ven'son still be deer;
Their stout shall turn to thin small beer,
Sour and flat.
VI.
"No lamps shall blaze in this spacious hall,
But farthing rushlights, lank and small,
Some cook-shop's dining-room shall grace,
Where Mister Mayor, with sword and mace,
And all the Corporation sinners,
By city contract clothed and fed,
Shall dine at eighteen pence a-head,
And feel quite grateful for their dinners.
While the armour-man, like a turtle starv'd.
Shall rattle his bones in his iron shell,
And no more shall feast on baron of beef,
But stand content with the cook-shop smell!"
vuI.
Thus having said his terrible say,
The horrible spectre stalk'd away,
And left me in the blues;
And as across the Hall he pass'd,
E'en Gog and Magog stood aghast,
And trembled in their shoes.

vm.
Oh, dreadful night!
Oh, fearful sight!
To see that sight, and hear that say,
An Alderman's soul it may well dismay.
I felt as opprest
With a pain in my chest,
And as brimful of terror and ills,
As if I had eaten some venison old,
Or swallow'd a gallon of turtle cold,
Or been poison'd by Morison's Pills.
IX.
I tried to rise, and I scream'd a scream,
The man at the gate camd staggering in-
"To be sure I did, for I heard a din;
And your worship gave such a terrible snore,
While you laid on your back on the Guildhall floor,
That it woke you up from your dream I"







Aats w ;t Lt
t. ., 2if .... .^ -. .




Wine in- a Fement d Spirits in Hot Water





















SWine in a Ferment afid Spirits in Hot Water.








52 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

Abbettisement% anb V3aragrapFs 3Extraorbinatr.
EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMsTANCE.-Yesterday, a shabbily-dressed, half-
genteel, poetical-looking sort of man, suddenly fell down in one of the gin-
palaces in St. Giles's; after having, as it was supposed, put an end to his
existence, by swallowing a quarter of Deady's Best. On taking him,
however, to the Station House, and administering large doses of cold water
(to which his stomach manifested a particular antipathy by repeatedly
serving it with an ejectment), he was sufficiently recovered to give some
account of himself; but the following lines, written on the back of a dirty
tobacco paper, found in his pocket, will sufficiently explain the cause of the
rash act. It will be seen that he was a man of letters, tho' (judging from his
reservedness) of very few words.
To Robert Short, BEsq. M.P.
DEAR Bon,-I know that U'll XQQQ
The wailings of a mournful MUUU.
While U, my friend, are at your EEE,
My creditors 1 can't apPPP:
I'm CD,-drooping to DK,
With not a sous my debts to pay.
So lean a wight you ne'er did C,-
I look just like an F I-G.
My purse is MT, it is true;
But don't suppose I NV you:
I 0 U nothing but good-will,
And that I mean 2 0 U still.
But if my motive U'd descry
For writing this, I'll tell U Y :
B 4 'tis long, I hope for peace;
And when U hear of my DCCC,
I beg, to show your love for me,
U'll write your Poet's L-E-G.
I'm sure that U'll indite it well,
For in such matters you XL.
Say, E was once aR T fellow,
But all his 'green leaves soon turned yellow,'
He didn't mind his PPP and QQQ,
"But Plutus left, to woo the MUUU:
"And tho' he courted all the IX,
"He found them far too poor to dine;
"Nay, more, the very Graces III
"Could scarce afford a cup of T.
"So here he lies, for want of pelf,
"Who'd but one NIIE,-himself."
AN EXTRAORDINARY TURNir, of the Dwarf species, was lately dug out of a
field on the estate of Major Longbow, who caused the inside to be scooped
out, and gave a grand entertainment therein to a party of 250 persons.-
American Paper.
FALLS OF NIAGARA.-Congress has passed a resolution that a \premium
should be offered for a machine by which the Falls of Niagara might be
rendered portable, to afford those persons who live at a distance the oppor-
tunity of viewing them at their own houses.-American Paper.










II':
K 10& ?Ww.
J t 4 -


M A Y.--Old May Day









1836.] MAY. 53


The depth of "A Winter in London," I sing:-
For thus do the rulers of fashion declare-
That Spring Garden shall yield all they know of the spring,
And the charms of fair May be supplied in May Fair.


Season's
Signs.
Ah! well-
a-day i
alack!
alas!
that
such a
thing
should
come
to pass!
but on
my word,
I feel
suspi-
cious,
unless
the stars
prove
more
propi-
tious,
that
I shall
nothing
have
to say
about
this
famous
month
of May!


S"O~ tap 3 a ."

BY A NONAGfENAEIAN.
When I was young and in my prime,
Then everything look'd gay;
And nothing was so merry as
The merry FIRST OF MAYT :
Kind Nature, who doth ever smile,
Seem'd then to smile the more;
And ev'ry Spring that time did bring
Seem'd greener than before.
The birds they sang sojocundly,-
They fil'd the air around,
And human hearts as jocundly
Respondedto the sound.
I recollect the lovely scene
,As though I saw it still:-
The mansion of a noble race
Was seated on a hill;
And smilingly it seemed to look
Upon the plain below,
Where groups of happy villagers
Were sporting to and fro.
The May-pole in the centre plac'd,
All deck'd with garlands gay,
While lads and lasses danc'd around,
And footed it away.
The ruddy hostess of the inn,
Which stood within the vale,
Supplied the thirsty revellers
With draughts of nut-brown ale;
While pleas'd, the neighboring gentry stood,
And view'd the cheerful scene,
Or laid aside their rank to join
The sports upon the green.
Ah those were times that memory
Ishappy toretrace
But changed, alas! and sad are those
Which now supply their place.
An honest healthy peasantry
Then shared the farmer's board,
Who'd shrink from parish pauper pay,
As from a thing abhorred;
The sons of Merry England" now
Are changed to Mammon's slaves,
And peep about to find themselves
Dishonourable graves."
The "labourer" no longer "reckon'd
Worthy of his hire,"
No more partakes the farmer's board,
Nor warms him at his fire-

(RIGtUM FurnrrIDos interrptsethf:)
Stop stop, old friend I prithee, cease this prosing.
Egad you'll set my gentle readers dozing.
The TIrMS are bad, I own, and sad's the change;
But, surely, that is not so wondrous strange;
Andif it were, this is no place to joke in.
NOnAGENARIAaN :
Enough, good RIGDUM !-I'll give over croaking.


WEATHER.

who

O6 xS

in place
of

SnD

consulting
the stars



according to
art,

*n.^O

thrust forth

x W

their
own bald
and
conceited



suppositions

cr? *tID

For these
and other
weighty







54 THE COMIC ALMANAC. LI3O.0

A DRAMATIC FACT.

MACBETH by Mn. HIGGS 1-
They sometimes used to let him play it in the country;
And then, odds wigs!
How very great he felt!
One night, while he was at it,
The pot-boy, from the public-house at which he dealt,
Being at the wing, quoth Higgs, aside, Od 'rat it!
I do lack spirits,-but that sha'n't fret me,
Here, boy, take thou this coin, and go get me"-
"Some bread and cheese, and porter, innions, Sir, or what P"
"Nay, no prog!
Expend the shilling all in glorious grog !"
"With sugar, Sir?" Ay, and very hot;
Thou knowest, lout!
I only take sixpenn'orths cold without !"

The pot-boy took the grog into the green-room,
And left it there for Higgs :-but, as it came to pass,
Lady Macbeth and Banquo having twigged it,
First she took a very leetle sup,-
He fairly swigged it;
And so between them both, alas!
Lady Macbeth and Banquo mopped it up,
And hid the glass!

Higgs, who all this time
Had been upon the stage,-
In that great scene where Macbeth's urged to crime
By those foul witches,-
Now strutted in,-but, oh! (excuse the rhyme,)
Odds philibegs and breeches !
How he did foam and rage,
And writhe his face,
And call the potboy hog, and dog, and log,
On not perceiving his expected grog
In its accustomed place.

The potboy, being summoned, vowed
That he had duly brought it,
And, if to speak his mind he was allowed,
He thought it
Might have vanished,
Being partly spirits,-like the witches,
"'Tis false !" roared Higgs, "Avaunt! Be banish'd!
Visit no more this realm of milk and honey
Base caitiff! YOU'VE ABSCONDED. with the money!"





'j I i ll 1
61b1 : 'i ... : .



__ 1 '






J U N E.. Holiday at the Public Offices '









1836.] JUNE. 55


The Midsummer nights fly swiftly by,
While Members are catching the Speaker's eye;"
And the Outs are employing their labour and wit
On those who are In, to serve "notice to quit."

l Season's
D soig n's @bl J. atters. WEATHER.


1 Lawyers "HOLIDAYS AT PUBLIC OFFICES." and
2 now may I've often thought how hard the fate sufficient
Of those, who're destin'd, day by day,
3 take To rise up early, lie down l a ae,, rea
And waste, in toil, their lives away. reasons,
And often have I ask'd myself,
ease, When musing o'er these scenes of woe, T g TUy.
"Couldst thou, for sake of sordid pelf,
6 and Oppress thy fellow-creatures so P?" T
7 counsel Then fancy would begin to paint
The griefs of little cotton-spinners, *j
reckon Compell'd to labour till they faint, instead of
That bloated knaves may eat good dinners.
9 up their I thought of oor young milliners,
SWho toil all night, with matted tresses, 2-
10 fees ; And faces pale, that Fashion's dames
SMay grace the ball in fancy dresses.
11for And then I thought upon the Pole, mp
12 now Condemn'd, among Siberia's snow, at once
With shackled limbs and blighted soul,
13 the I Thejoys of freedom ne'er to know. into the ice
14 welcome With those who work in powder mill. and snow
14 welcome Life's value scarcely weighs a feather, and snow
15 log So oft exploding, weree no ill,
15 long Were they exploded altogether.
16 vacation But what are these? and what are those P
Or all that thou, Oh, man! endurest?
17 gives a Compar'd with those transcendent woes
Experienced by the Sinecurist?
18 rest to Compell'd by eight o'clock to rise, of January,
19 liti- By nine to get his breakfast o'er, an
1tI- And leave some bit that gourmands prize, a
20 nation; Because the stage is at the door, commencing
And when the coachman sets him down
21 while At Treasury or Navy Pay, I 6
His toil begins,-but I'll explain
22 happy How hard he works from day to day.
23 they on ive weary hours he stands or sits, as the
Or fidgets till he gets the vapours; learned
24 quarter And then to chase the ennui fits, le
He picks his teeth, or reads the papers.
25 day, Perhaps his name full twenty times 0 y rr
He writes, or writes a page of figures;
26 who're Until are heard the welcome chimes,
27 not Which end the toil of these white Niggers. have it,
The fate of him who digs the mine,
28 obliged C ompar'd to this, is children's play;
0 olged Then, ahl. how cruel 'tis to sneer, 6 V 6 *
29 to run nd call his life ahollday.
o y i Ah! radicals: ye little know
30 away 'Bout what it is yo make a clamour;
Go, thank your stars you drag a truck, ab initio
Or only wield a blacksmith's hammer.







56 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1836.

THE SERVANT OF ALL WORK.
"He Hoon if he could."
RoAxMnG along, the other day, in those regions of Cockney retire-
ment, the vicinity of the Cat and Mutton Fields, about a mile from'
the Ultima Thule of Shoreditch, I was struck by the appearance of
a row of neat little houses; and my attention was so particularly
arrested by one of them, that I incontinently paused to look at it.
It seemed to have all the ostentatious assumption of a little man
who strives to look big. It had a portico, that might have belonged
to the Colosseum, with a flight of stone steps that would have graced
the new palace at Pimlico; and the drawing-room windows were
ambitiously overshadowed by a verandah, not unworthy of Worthing.
While I was meditating on its appearance, and admiring the.
extraordinary air of cleanliness which distinguished it from its
neighbours, a paper parcel, tied round with thread, and sealed with
a thimble, fell at my feet. I looked above and around me, but no
one was visible; and conceiving it to be intended for myself, I picked
it up, and walked on. At a favourable opportunity I opened it, and
read as follows:-

"This cums Hopping that sum boddy in the Street Walking
may pick me up and put me into the Square box at the Circling
librey, the Place where the Post is. It is the haughty bioggrify of
a unfortnit yung cretur who's in servis. Let the supperscripshun
be to the Mournin Herald or the Currier or the Trew Son or the
Stand Hard, or the Spekt Tatur, or any of 'em, for one's just as
good as other. I think the noospapers would take it inn, for they
takes in a good many servants as wants places.
My pappa was a Baker, and he meant I should be Bread up like
a lady, for tho I was the least of the Batch, i was the Flour of the
Sflock. But pappa Dying, i had to git my Living, for he didn't Roll
in ritches, and his guds and chappels were Saddled with detts, witch
Spurred me on to Bridel my greef, tho i seldom had a Bit in my
mouth, which was hard; and when our Blow got Wind, i lost my
sweethart, which Blow was Harder. He was sitch a nice yung man;
and when i wall past his Door, he used to prays my Gate, and tell
me when we were marryd we should live in Stile. Bat I am Loth
to say, he turned out a Willing, and wanted te tak advantidge of
my citywashun. But I had 2 strings to my Beau in a young mit-
chipman, but he got prest and sent on board a Tender, witch was
a grate Hard Shipp for him, and I felt it.
But to cut a Long Tail Short,-when my dear Ben Bannister
left me, miss fortin Staired me in the face, and every body turned
their Backs on me, and I could not bare such a Front, so i got a
place as a servnt of all work, and my mind was maid up to be in
duster house: but it was a Grate fall for me down into the Kitchen,







1836:] THE SERVANT OF ALL WORK. 57

tho when i got there i found a Grater; for my first missus was a
Dresser, and often and often when I've bin all over greece she has
called me up to her Rome to help her on with her gownd, witch was
very humblin to 1 as was used to have her own made to wait upon
her. Butt i left her because we lived at a Fishmongers & itt Smelt
so; and i had more than twenty Plaices in the first 12 months, which
Maid me quite Crabby, for I was going Backwards. But mississes
are as proud as my lord Mare, and makes you work like an Horse;
so I turned myself Out, for i could not In-Door itt.
I wont trubbel you with all my trubbels, but will skipp over
the hole to give you my Last, which don't Fit me at all; and its Jest
no Joke, I can ashure you, for its like as if my 20 mississes was
turned into one. I've bin in the plaice almost a month, see I have
had a pretty gud experense.
First, i Seconds all the close, & there 13 of us in fammaly.
Theres missis & master, that's 2, but misses says as how they're 1:
there the 3 young ladys is 5; and the 3 boys from skool, where i
am sure they never larnt no manners, & I don't love em at all, that's
Hate; & the 2 young babbys in harms is 10; and mr. Phipps the
frunt parler loger is 11, and mr Snooks the back parler loger is 12
& i am just thirteen. So i leaves you to juge when i Hang em all
out if there isnt enuff to Do for.
"Missis is what they calls a not Abel woman, & keeps 1
scrubbin & doin all day long, & is so pertickler, that when master
edms home on a wet day, i has to lift him into the house for fear he
should dirty the steps. To be shure he's a werry littel man, but
then its so shockin indillikat. Missis is very fond of Bruin too,
witch i cant Bear, and i hates Hops, except when i goes to a dance;
besides, the Hopperation quite puts one into a fomentation, and
sets one all of a Work. Then the fammaly is so very unreglar, &
we keeps a deal of company, the they dent alow any follerers, and
missis is always snubbin me if the Butcher or the Baker stopps a
minuet att the gait. But if i were even to liv in a garratt, i should
be abuv sitch peepel & should look down uppon em. I no one of the
young ladys casts a sheeps eye on the Butcher herself, but i hop he
wont giv her his Hart, for i am shure she would be a gay Liver, &
i no she has plenty of Tung.
Wile i am uppon theas young ladys i could pick a hole in em, but
i abhor Back bitin. Howsomdever, tho they are Twins all Three
of em, there no Unity in One of em, and when a gentilman is
interdeuced to the fammaly. they all fall in luv with him, wioh
must be very embrasing to the party, and they try all their habits
of captywashun. Miss Carryline rites a billy dux anomilously and
folds it like a trew lovers not, to puzzel him. Miss Matilda makes
annoys on the harp with her bigg Fistis, and says she had her
lessons from a Boxer; and miss Jimmima thumps away on the
piney Forty, Fifty times a day, to git pirfict for the heavening. I
often wishes thare was locks to them keys.
"But all their Harts wont do, & they've none of them got a Deer







58 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [I836.

yet, for they make themselves 2 Chepe, & they are all of cm very
jellus of me, because the 2 gentilmen logers has a grate licking for
me; & they carry their spit so Fur that I mustnt ware a Bore,
and they sets their mama Hat me if they sees a bit of lace on my
Cap. They makes quite a Furze too if i incloses my Waste with a
ribbon tho its so Common; & I'm sure they had better pay what
they Hose than find fault with my Stockins; for they stands over
me while i am Pinking em, witch shose they aint well Red in their
manors, and they wont lett me Ware em no Ware. I should lik to
no why servants aint to doo what they likes with their hone; for
Ive red they've as big a steak in the common unity as their Betters,
who're many of em nothing else but Gamblers.
But i don't mind the Hitts of sich Misses: for its all Shear envy,
because they wants to Cut me out with the 2 logers, & had rather
see me Hangd than Halter my condishun. But the gentilmen
don't lik none of em, for there as tall and as pail as 2 hapenny
Rushlites and a grate deal more Wicked. Mr. Snooks, the loger as
walks the Horsepittels in the back parler, says there more like
ottomies than wimmen, for they've none of em got no hannimashun;
and mr. Phipps the clark as hokkipies the frunt parler says there
quite Ciphers to me, for i am a better Figger, & more uprighter
than any 1 of em. He sometimes carrys his devours to such a
Pitch, that if i could forgit my Tar, I see no resin why i should not
marry him, & then the miss Rushlites would be very much Put Out
when they'd lost one of their Flames.
"Mr. Phipps is a littery man, and nose a Grate many Tongs,
and has maid a bigg book of Pottery, full of Plates. He tells me
not to be jellus because he Courts the Mews, & has sent me the
history of his life & a coppy of verses on my mississes yousidge of
me; and i hop you'll tell the noospaper man he mustnt take my
life without takin his'n & he may have the pottery into the bargain.
"Notty Benny.-My life shall be conclooded att the first hoppor-
tunitty.
So no more at present from yours humbely to command
MOLDYDUSTA MOGGS."

"Post Scripp. I forgot to tell you that i cant git enuff to heat,
missis is sitch a skin Flint, unless I Steel it, & that's unpossebel,
for she always takes care to lock upp the Cold Heatabels."















NRI J
























J LY .- Dog Days'









1836.] JULY. 59

Dear me how hot the weather grows-
There's scarce a breath to cool one's face;
Through Air Street not a zephyr blows,
Nor e'en a breeze from Wind-ham Place.
Down Regent Street, so lazy all one sees,
There's nobody industrious" but The Fleas."

M Season's @ ttrs. WEATHER.
D Signs. 1 _tt_. 1 T.


belly
back
hips
reins,
all
full of
aches
and
pains
because
I know
not
what
to do
the
Season's
Signs
are
now
so few
and
all
that
I have
got
to say
is, take
care of
Saint
Swithin's
day!


A DOGGEREL FOR THE DOG DAYS.
Most doggedly I do maintain,
And hold the dogma true,-
That four-legg'd dogs altho' we see,
We've some that walk on two.
Among them there are clever dogs;
A few. you'd reckon mad;
While some are very jolly dogs,
And others very sad.
You've heard of Dogs, who, early taught,
Catch halfpence in the mouth;-
But we've a long-tail'd Irish dog,
With feats of larger growth.
Of Dogs-who merely haypence snatch
The admiration ceases,
For he grows saucy, sleek, and fat,
By swallowing penny-pieces I
He's practising some other feats,
Which time will soon reveal;
One is, to squeeze an Orange flat,
And strip it of its Peel.
The next he'll find a toughish job,
For one so far in years;
He wants to pull an old House down,
That's now propp'd up by Peers.
I've heard of physic thrown to dogs,
And very much incline
To think it true, for we've apack
Who only bark and w(h)ine.
The Turnspit of the sad old days
Is vain enough to boast,
Altho' his "occupation's gone,"
He still could rule the roast.
But turnspits now are out of date,-
We all despise the hack,
And in the kitchen of the state
We still prefer a Jack.


(that
is to say,
beginning
at the
beginning)

9 G* M


I do
prefer



jogging
along



slowly and
cautelously;

D AX

feeling
my way,

as it were,
with



my eye at








THE COMIC ALMANACK.


STANZAS, addressed to Mrs. of ****** Terrace,
Cat and Mutton Fields.

You 'cat,' that would worry a rat!'
You 'cow with the crumpled horn !'
I wish you were squeez'd,-and that's flat,-
For ill-using a Maiden forlorn.'

You're as bad as a slave-driver quite,
Altho' you subscrib'd to the tracts;-
If the linen's wash'd ever so white,
You always complain of the blacks.
A servant is worthy her hire;
You pilfer one-fourth of her due,
For tho' she does all you desire,
She only gets ire from you.
A fit she had, one afternoon,
When you set her a-cleaning the paint;
And while she was off in a swoon,
You said it was only a feint.
A party you had yesterday,-
No wonder so often she swoons,-
For as soon as the folks went away,
You began to be missing the spoons!

She was cleaning the windows last week
(Such savings are very small gains),
You scolded her while you could speak,
And told her she didn't take panes.

She cleans all the boots and the shoes;
When she's done 'em she sits down to cry:
WA.ENA'S JET is the blacking you choose;
But od 'rabbit that Warren! say I.
For this you can make no excuse:-
You'd a party at whist t'other day;
And you scolded away like the deuce,
'Cause the sandwiches dropped from the tray.

You tell her she dresses too gay
(You're afraid that she'll cut out your gals),
You strip lace and ribbons away,
And say she shan't wear such fal-lals.
'Tis in vain her attempting to speak,
For your heart is as hard as a stone;
But she means to be married next week;
Then she'll 'do what she likes with her own.'





2 _
-s ~ ~ Ii

l?~I 212


AU U T.-Bathin-- at Brihto---
AUGUST.-- Bathing at Brighton.
;w ,-







1836.] AUGUST. 61

Perhaps the Minister has passed the budget, and given the
Houses leave to trudge it;-the lawyer folds his brief, with little
grief ;-closed are the Halls, against all calls;-John Doe and
Richard Roe may go;-the debtor breathes, respited from
mishap ; and Bailiffs, wanting jobs, may keep a Tap.

M Season's @bb Aitaters. WEATHER.
D Signs. __ _attr_. wEa .
1 In
.2 Germany BRIGHTON. the end of
3 they Well here, once more, on Brighton's shore,
4 rest We're safe arrived at last; D X d &
1 t So, Mister Snip, don't have the hyp,
their Nor look so overcast, my
6 heads
7 betwixt We've not been here this many a year; divining
So do not look so blue, rod,
8 a pair But sport your cash, and cut a dash,
9 of As other people do. r n
10 feather There's Mistress Skait,-she wouldn't wait,
11 beds ; But off she tripp'd so gaily :
12 a famous She struts along amid the throng:
H1 p I er husband isn't scaly. and
13 plan, I exploring
14 will be There's Mistress Wick, and little Dick, exor
15 bound, Have come to have a dipping ; the mazes
nd, And there's her niece, who's been to Greece, of
16 while Is now all over dripping.
17 frost& .Y t 8o
1 fos & And oh, what fun! there's Martha Gunn
18 snow (But no, that gun's gone of), ftuty,
19 are on But only look at that sea-cook turity,
20 the A-sousing Mrs. Gough. with the
21 ground, Vell, I declare, there's Mrs. Ware heedfulness
22 but (She's every where, I think)-
23 in the Her spouse, I know, is quite her beau, V0 (I
24 Dog iAnd never spares the chink.f one, who
24 Dog of one, who,
25 Days' And, last of all, there's Mr. Ball, knowing
26 raging Who promised Mrs. B.- t
27 g And kindly has redeemed his pledge,-
heat, I That she should see the sea.
28 shouldn't 4 8 D
29 think it So,Mister Snip, don't have the hyp,
0 sNor look so monstrous blue ; weightiness
30 such a But sport your cash, and cut a dash, of the
81 treat. As other people do. e







62 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1836.

Abbettisements ixtraoxbinar.

THEATRE ROYAL, ENGLISH UPROAR.-The
L Proprietor respectfully announces that, while the cold weather lasts, he
will present each visitor to the Boxes or Pit with a bucket of thick-ribbed
ICE;" and assures .the Public that the temperature of the Theatre is so
comfortably regulated that it is never more than 50 degrees below the
freezing point.

THEATRE ROYAL, DREARY LANE.-This
Evening, their Majesties' Servants will perform
THE MANAGER IN DISTRESS;
To which will be added the serious Extravaganza of
THE HOT CROSS BUNN;
The principal Character by the Manager.
The whole to conclude with
THE DEVIL TO PAY.
On Monday next, Mr. SWING will exhibit his extraordinary performances
on the Tight Rope.-NB. On this occasion all persons on the Free List
will be suspended.

WANT PLACES.

AS TOADY, an unmarried Female of an uncertain age.
She is so soft in her disposition as to take any impression; says yes
or no, just as she is bid; prefers Cape to Madeira, and dislikes Champagne;
and has no objection to wash and walk out with the poodles.-N.B. Is very
skilful in backbiting, and would be delighted to assist in the ruin of reputa-
tions. Can have a good character from her last place, which she left in
consequence of the lady marrying her tall Irish footman.
A 'DINER-OUT, an Irish Captain on half-pay, who
has at his disposal a plentiful supply of small talk and table wit; does
the agreeable to perfection; is a good laugher at stale jokes, and a capital
retailer of new ones ; never falls asleep at the repetition of a dull story, and.
always laughs in the right place. He has a variety of other qualifications too
numerous for insertion in an advertisement.

NOTICE is hereby given, that a considerable portion of
Civic DIGNITY, conjectured to be equal in quantity to a Winchester
Measure, has been lost since the 9th of November, 1834. This in-valuable
appendage is supposed to have been dropped from the person of an illustrious
Mayor, during certain squabbles which took. place in spite of common sense
and common counsel. It is hoped it will be recovered by his successor, and
any information respecting the same may be communicated to a HOBBLER,
at the Mare's Nest in the Poultry.

LOST-by NOBODY, in the neighbourhood of NOWHERE,
an article more easily conceived than described, known by the name of
NOTHINB. The fortunate finder may keep it on paying the expenses of this
Advertisement.







































SE.PTEMBE..-"Michaelmas Day








1836.] SEPTEMBER. 63

It pleased her jolly Majesty Queen Bess,
Stuffing, herself, a well-stuff'd goose to bless,
And ever since, in sage afifirs of state,
The royal bird does still predominate ;-
So modest merit proves of little use,
Unless at Court you boo" to ev'ry goose.


Season's
Signs.

Now
farmers
mind
your
geese
and
pigs,
for
Cockney
sports-
men
run their
rigs,
and
when
the
cits
are
taking
aim,
your
poultry
may
mistake
for
game,
and
kill
or
lame.


@b AftMattcrs.


"SHOOTING THE MOON."


Now, Mrs. Dove, my dearest love,
No longer let us jar;
Full well you know that cash is low,
And credit's under par.

Short commons are our common fare;
No turtle-doves are we :
Tho' once there came such lots of game,
Now folks make game of me.

Ah! what to do I wish I knew,
Or where to run a score !
For all the town I've done so brown,
I can't do any more.

We've had our fill on Mutton Hill;
In Cornhill gain'd our bread;
Dress'd with an air in fam'd Cloth Fair;
In Grub Street well werefed.

We got our shoes in Leather Lane;
Our hats in Batton Garden;
We'd quite a catch in a'penny Hatch,
And never paid afarden.

We've chalked a score on every door
Of publican or sinner;
And now can't meet a Newman Street,
To trust us with a dinner.

And, lack-a day! here's Quarter Day;
It always comes too soon;
So we by night must take our flight,
For we must shoot the moon !


WEATHER.

matters




whereinto
he is
inquiring,

nlb <
is fearful of
stumbling.

9 VyA s
For look,
what dire
mishaps
do arise

09
from false
prophe-
eying !


The farmer

8 S
reapeth his
corn, and

Y bOnd







THE COMIC ALMANAC.


AN EPISTLE
From SIR JOHN NORTI to IIGDUIM FUNNIDOS, Gent.
DEAR Rio.-Have you read my famous book,
,About the wonderful route I took;
Through frost and snow, how I went so far,
To stare in vain at the polar star,
And how I sought by night and noon
To bag the beams of the arctic moon;
And how it was far beyond a joke
To think my steam should end in smoke;
With all the spiteful things I said,
As I knock'd the engine on the head;
And how I've filled up countless pages
With sneers at the Useful Knowledge" sages;
And about the land of the Esquimaux,
Where I gave a squeeze to many a squaw;
But sighed to think that a time must come
To clear them off by the force of Rum ;'
And how I came to an island blest,
Which foot of man had never press'd,
And grateful to the Spinning Gin-ny,
That lined my purse with many a guinea,
I straightway handed down to fame
A Smithfield Booth's immortal name ?
I did such deeds as would make you stare;
'Twere a bore to tell how I kill'd a bear;
Or how, for want of a better meal,
I seal'd the fate of many a seal.
And have you read that, to crown the whole,
I'm almost sure I found the Pole;
('Twas twirling round, on its centre set,
Like an opera dancer's pirouette,)
And though the fog as thick did look
As a certain stupid quarto book,
One night I saw a vision fair,
Of knighthood's honours in the air;
And how, agog to reach my glory,
I hasten'd home to print my story;
And how I thought wouldd have been no blame
To have left behind the halt and lame,
Dead weights that, everybody knows,
SAre only fit to feed the crows?
For if, Dear Rig., you'll only look,
All this, and more, is in my book.

THE COMET, which has so long been looked for, suddenly made its
appearance here on the 5th inst. between the hours of four and five in the
morning, and the servant maids were pretty particularly astonished when
they arose, to find that its tail had lighted all their fires, and boiled all
their kettles for breakfast. For this piece of service they have christened it
the "tail of love."--American Paper.




































OCTO BSE R- St Crispins Day'










1836.] OCTOBER. 65

The sum of Summer is cast at last,
And carried to Wintry season,
And the frightened leaves are-leaving us fast;
If they stayed it would be high trees-on.
The sheep, exposed to the rain and drift,
Are left to all sorts of wethers,
And the ragged young birds must make a shift.
Until they can get new feathers.
MX Season's jb Jattes. WEATHER.
D Signs.


Now
heroes
bold
in
leather
breeches
do
leap
o'er
five
barred
gates
and
ditches
the
perils
of
the
field
-to
dare
and
hunt
that
furious
beast
the
hare!
Oh, ,
courage
rare!


"ST. CRISPIN'S DAY."
AN ECLOGUE.


C ORDWAIERIUS.
ARISE, COBBLERIUS, cast thy awl away,
The sun is up, and 'tis SAINT CRISPIN'S DAY.
Leave vulgar snobs to mend plebeian soles,
For you and I willjollity, by golesa
COBBLERIUS.
A seedy poet, lodging next the sky,
Came yesternight, entreating me to try
And mend his understanding by the noon;
When that is done. I'm yours for a blue moon.
C OBDWAItEIRIUS.
Then while you cobble, let us chaunt a stave:
We're Temp'rance" folks, so let the theme be grave.
Let's sing yon palace to the God of Gin:
Who pipes the best, a pot of malt shall win.
COBBLERIUS.
I take your challenge-to your plan 'tree;
You Costermonger shall our umpire he.
COSTERMBONGERIUS.
I'm bottle-holder for a glass of max;
So clear your pipes, my jolly cocks o' vax.
C ODWAIwnRIUS.
"Here, espightly folks, by spirits turned to writes,
Whose rosy cheeks are cllang'd to lily whites,
Caught in the snares of Gin, rue not their run,
But do their best, to do their own undoing !1
COBBLERIUS.
"Rum customers, who're far more sad than funny,
Here get no trust when they have spent their money:
No pay no potion;-by this rule they stick;
the lighted dial, only, goes on tick."
COnDWAINERIUS.
"Here, Mothers, by some devilish fiend possest,
Drive their poor infants from the port of Breast;
And 'stead of mother's milk, whene'er they scream,
Stop their shrill crying with a glass of cream."
COBBwn IiuS.
"Here compounds dire, which ne'er can cordials be,
Turn seedy fellows intofelos de se."-
COSTERMONGERIUS.
Jut stow your magging, for you've piped enough,
And, blow me, if I ever heard sich stuff I
Vy, vhat's the hods, I'll be so bold to ax,
'Twixt swilling heavy vet, and swiging max ?
So stow your staves, and as it's chily weather,
Ve'll mix the max and heavy vet together:
And then my lads o' leather, you shall see
How cosily the mixture vill agree.


moweth
his grass,



when he
should leave
them



standing;



the sick man
throweth off
his
warm
clothing,

*nt



when he


himself up
Q Y l


closer;

nt*
the

S dT


__I __._ I









66 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1836.


ANNUAL REGISTER
OF

REMARKABLE OCCURRENCES.



JAN. 13th.-Three young men on the Serpentine cutting a figure of six, about
nine in the morning of twelfth day, were two careless, though warned be-four, to
weight the reading of the Society's not-ice,'' so popped into sixteen feet water.
They were speedily helped out of the ice-well, and resolved to cut away and not
come again.
21st.-An Omnibus Cad was brought before the Lord Mayor, charged with
having been guilty of civility to a passenger, by neglecting to bang the door against
his stern, in time to throw him on his head. His Lordship said such conduct was
unprecedented; but as the man, in extenuation, proved that he had cried "go
on," while another gentleman was getting off he thought the case did not call for
interference. The culprit, however, was dismissed by the Paddington committee,
lest his example should contaminate the others.
FEn. 4th.-The following horrible event occurred in a family lately arrived
from India. A female of colour, one of the establishment, was sitting by the fire,
with two of her dark little progeny by her side, when a black footman, remark-
able for his savage disposition, suddenly entered the room, seized one of them in
each hand, hurried to the water cistern, and plunging in the struggling little ones,
held them till life was extinct. In vain the distracted mother implored com-
passion; the bystanders seemed to think there was no law against drowning
kittens.
MAnnc 12th.-An elderly gentleman, crossing Fleet Street, was driven through
by the Perseverance Omnibus. He was carried into the nearest shop, and, after
taking six boxes of Morison's pills, felt so little inconvenience that he expressed
his determination to keep the orifice open, so as not to be an obstruction to car-
riages in future.
8th.-On Thursday, died Old Tom, the Leadenhall Market Gander, after having
worthily supported the city dignity for thirty years. The Court of Aldermen
attended his funeral, and his deeds were not forgotten by the City Remembrancer.
His spirit still haunts the old spot, and nightly takes in his favourite stuffing ofI
sage and onions, and the poulterers say they always know the ghost when they see
him a-gobblin.
26th.-Mr. Morison was elected principal of Brazen-nose College on presenting ;
to its library a copy of his treatise on Assurance, with tables of the average termi-
nation of life, as deduced from the last returns of the pills of mortality.
APRIL 1st.-According to annual custom, a considerable number of persons
assembled this morning on Tower Hill to see the Lions washed. It was,however,
officially notified that, the menagerie having been broken up, they could not be
gratified, but that his Majesty, in order to prevent their entire disappointment,
would, for this occasion, substitute the shaving of a Donkey; with a recommenda-
tion that each individual do perform the ceremony at his own home in future.
14th.-The Hackney Coaches of the Metropolis met at their usual resting time,
which lasts from sixty minutes past twelve on Saturday night till sixty minutes
before one on Sunday morning, and resolved to petition Parliament in favour of
Sir Andrew's Sunday Bill. They complained that though on that day they always
had more fare, they had no more food, for though they were never without the
taste of a bit, they had no leisure to'bite;,and that though the weather might be
ever so fine, for them it was always rein-y. They, however, did not wish to make
exorbitant demands, and would be quite satisfied if Sunday, to others a day of
joy, might be to them a day of Wo." Earl Grey was asked to present the peti-
tion, and signified yea" by saying neigh."









1836.] ANNUAL REGISTER. 67

MAY 5th.-The attention of the passengers.in Salisbury Square was excited by
observing an inhabitant come out at the attic window of a house (No. 66), and pass
along the parapet. His next neighbour, with whom he was known to be on bad
terms, soon after appeared on the adjacent roof. They approached each other
with signs of anger, and grappling, engaged in a furious struggle;-both fell from
the parapet;-fortunately escaping the iron spikes below, and alighting on their
feet, each spit at the other, cried "moll-row," and rushed down his own area.
15th.-As Doctor Fillpot was walking in the Zoological Gardens, his Christian
charity was blown into the cage of the Humming birds, and instantly pecked up
by the voracious little animals, who, strange to say, did not seem at all incon-
venienced by the extraordinary meal.
JUNE 3rd.-A nursemaid and three fine children were lost in some cart ruts,
called The New Promenade," in Regent's Park, and have never been heard of
since.
9th.-At the Annual Meeting of the Proprietors of the Thames Tunnel, the
secretary reported that though the Leecs had all ceased, he was happy to say there
was,no diminution of Salaries; that they had got over all the soft mud, which
was hard; but they had now to get under a hard rock, which was harder; that
their.money in the stocks was expended in digging stones; and that they had not
reached the opposite Bank, though they had exhausted their Banker; and that, in
all probability, though they might labour to the end, they would never see the
end of their labour; for however light they might make of it, they were more in the
dark than ever. The meeting, in great discontent, divided without a dividend;
and, grunting like hogs, pronounced the whole a great bore.
JULY 5th.-The old and young elephants, from the Zoological Gardens, were
brought up at Marylebone office. It appears that during the night they had made
their way'to the Paddington Canal Bank, had broken open the' Locks, and
abstracted all the water, with which they got beastly "drunk on the premises."
Their return.home in that state caused suspicion to fall on them, and their apart-
ments' being searched, the stolen property was found concealed in their trunks,
together with pawnbrokers' duplicates for the contents of the Grand Junction
reservoir, and the City basin, both of which had suddenly disappeared in a very
mysterious manner, and having been at low water of late, and much run upon,
owing to the dry weather, were supposed to have run away. The culprits showed
their teeth at the'charge, as hard as ivory, and speechified at length, but a clear
case being established, they offered their pledges for better behaviour; however,
the worthy magistrate stopped their spouting, and sent them to the treadmill. The
office was crowded by members of the Temperance Society, several of whom offered
to become bail for them.
21st.-At the last Drawing Room, Captain Bodkin had the honour of presenting
Cleopatra's needle to the Queen. Her Majesty was pleased to send to Cable
Street for a hundred yards of Wopping Thread, and in the evening one of the
maids of honour used it, by Her Majesty's desire, to work a button-hole of a new
shirt for Mister O'Killus in the park.
AUGUST 4th.-On Sunday, the 2nd, Lord H. visited the Bear-pit in the Zoo-
logical Gardens, and leaning too far over the wall, fell among the interesting
animals, who were so alarmed at the sight that they were seized with convulsions,
and' have been in a nervous state ever since.
17th.-An old woman was charged with selling apples on a Sunday morning.
She was too poor to keep a shop, so was committed to the Counter. It appeared
that her basket obstructed the people in their way to the Gravesend Sunday
boats.
2 6th.-A steam-boat party going down the river for a Marine Gala, were caught
in a gale. The Catastrophe happened off the Isle of Dogs, and the hurricane
setting in during a Quadrille, they tried in vain to stand firm, for partners were
driven right and left;" the "Ladies' chain" was broken off in the middle, and
"The Lancers" totally put to the rout. The chimneyfellin the midst of a cadence,
and the mast was shivered during a shake, but the musicians were all ruined, for
their instruments were blown beyond Fidlers' reach.
S2









68 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [I836,

SEPT. 1st.-The Duke of Nemours, with his suite, rode through Coventry Street,
when the figure of Fieschi became visibly agitated, and attempted to discharge
the Infernal Machine at him. Nothing but its being a sham, and not loaded,
saved the Duke from the fate intended for his father.
5th.-The Ladies' Brazen Monument to the Duke of Wellington, having been
smoked a good deal of late, its noble proprietresses determined on giving it an
autumnal washing before the fall of the leaf For this purpose, the (Holy)
Alliance Company lent their engine, a fiery Marquess played the pipe, and a com-
mittee of Countesses worked the pumps. The figure was then invested in a new
shirt, presented by Her Majesty, against the cold weather.
20th.-A sailing party from Margate, finding themselves near Urn bay, resolved
to drink tea. Mrs. Bullion, of Cheapside, one of the company, proposed music in
the air, and, being inspired by the water, volunteered The Land;" but, in getting
up to C above, she overreached herself, and fell into the sea below.. At first, Mr.
Bullion feared she would prove dead stock on his hands, but he soon saw she was
floating, capital; so he bargained with some dredgers to give her an hoister on board
again. The natives were greatly alarmed at the occurrence.
OCT. 3rd.-Mrs. Belasco delivered her concluding Lecture on morality, with
illustrations, in the Saloon of the Haymarket Theatre.
7th.-The Penitentiary at Millbank was partly destroyed by fire; luckily the
flames were extinguished, without making an auto-da-fd of the fair penitents,
many of whom were insured by destiny from that sort of untimely end. The
treadmill was unfortunately burnt, to the great inconvenience of several ihdustrious
persons who were practising on it, to qualify themselves for places of service where
there was a good deal of running upstairs.
12th.-The paupers of Gripeham workhouse having been, under the new law,
deprived of their tobacco, deputed one old woman, as the organ of the rest, to
demand a restoration of their pipes. The overseers withstood her fire, and refused
her smoke; however, at the suggestion of one of their body who had learned Latin,
they consented to allow her a Quid pro quo."
Nov. 15th.-The Society for the Protection of Animals held its yearly meeting.
Tie report stated, that in Billingsgate their efforts had met with great success.
In the following meritorious cases the large silver medal was awarded :-To Diana
Finn, for cracking the necks of a pound of eels before she skinned them; to Simon
Soft, for boiling his lobsters in cold water; to Ephraim Hacket, for crimping cod
with a blunted knife; and to Felix Flat, for refusing to open live oysters. In
other quarters humanity was also progressing, and prizes were given to Hans
Lever, for drubbing a donkey with the thin end of his cudgel, at the request of an
officer of this Society; and to Nicodemus Nacks, for consenting to keep a plaster
on his pony's raw, except on pleasure parties, and other occasions requiring extra
persuasion. The thanks of the Society were voted to Daniel Dozer, Esq., of New
River Head, for using dead worms as a bait: and the gold medal to the same gen-
tleman, for his practice of angling without hooking the fish. A premium was also
offered by the Society for some preparation of ox(h)ide of iron, which shall enable
a bullock's back to resist a whacking.
DEC. 7th.-Sir Harcourt Lees was frightened into fits by O'Connell's ghost,
which appeared in the shape of a moving Mass, with cloven feet, a long tail, and
the Pope's eye in the middle of his forehead.
18tli.-During the exhibition of the gas microscope, the water tigers, irritated
by the intense blaze of light to which they were exposed, after several tremendous
efforts to escape, broke from their confinement, and sprang among the spectators.
Three young ladies from a boarding school were instantly devoured. The ferocious
animals next turned their attention to the governess and an old teacher, who,
proving rather tough, afforded time for their keeper to secure them, which he did
by re-absorbing them in a drop of water on the point of a needle.








































NOV EMBER .--'Lord Mayors Day








1836.], NOVEMBER. 69

When good Sir John has carried his bill,
No dread of Term shall the poet fill,
The Scholar shall write, and fear no writ,
No White Cross bars shall bar his wit,
The Fleet, unmann'd, no more alarm,
The King's Bench be but an empty Form.


tDbb AJlatters.


M I Season's
D Signs.

1 Murky
2 burky
3 damp
4 and
5 drear
6 see
7 this
8 gloomy
9 month
10 appear
11 London
12 filled
13 with
14 slush
15 and fog
16 looks
17 just
18 like an
19 Irish
20 bog
21 every
22 trouble
23 now
24 seems
25 double
26 and the
27 worst
28 in all
29 the
30 year.


WEATHER.


LORD MAYOR'S SHOW.
I SIG of a jolly day,
A civical holiday;
Some call a folly day:
Weather is foggified;
Mechanics get groggified,
Citizens hoggified:
The rain it is drizzling,
Mizzling, frizzling;
Streets are all slippery;
Girls sport their frippery:
Sweethearts are squeezing 'em,
Pleasing 'em,-teazing 'em.
Rabble are bawling, 0!
Women are squalling, 0!
Banners are waving,
Policemen are staving
On heads misbehaving:
Ward beadles bustling,
Pickpockets hustling;
People tip-toeing it:
Swell mob are going it,
Making sly snatches
At brooches and watches.
Horses are neighing,
Urchins huzzaing;
Trumpets are brayina;
Trombones are grumbling,
Bassoons are rumbling,
Clarinets speaking,
Piccoloes squeaking.
See, there goes.the armour man;
Ne'er was a calmer man;
Sitting inside the mail, he
Looks a little bit paly.
And hark what a drumming!
The Lord Mayor is coming;
And here are the Aldermen,
There's very few balder men;
And there march the Livery,
Looking quite shivery;
In and out straggling,
Thro' the mud draggling.
I'm sure the poor sinners
Must long for their dinners.
Well, now the fun's over -
They'll fatten in clover;
And afterwards drink on it.
So, what do you think on it ?
Don't it shew quite effectual
The March Intellectual ?


stage-coach
traveller

(A o E'J T

journeyeth

T 9%

outside
the vehicle;

D-4 A

when
he should
snugly
ensconce
himself
within;



with divers
and sundry

.l^nyp

such-like



sad
mischances


--- I--~----







JO THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

Extracts from the Proceedings of the Association of British
Illuminati, at their Annual Meeting, lheld in Dublin,
August, 1835.
DR. HoAxnM read an interesting paper on the conversion of moonbeams
into substance, and rendering shadows permanent, both of which he had
recently exemplified in the establishment of some public companies, whose
prospectuses he laid upon the table.
Mr. Babble produced his calculating machine, and its wonderful powers
were tested in many ways by the audience. It supplied to Captain Sir John
North an accurate computation of the distance between a quarto volume
and a cheesemonger's shop; and solved a curious question as to the decimal
proportions of cunning and credulity, which, worked by the rule of allega-
tion, would produce a product of 10,0001.
Professor Von Hammer described his newly-discovered process for breaking
stones by an algebraic fraction.
Mr. Crowsfoot read a paper on the natural history of the Rook. He de-
fended their caws with great effect, and proved that there is not a grais
of truth in the charges against them, which only arise from Grub Street
malice.
The Rev. Mr. Groper exhibited the skin of a toad, which he discovered
alive in a mass of'sandstone. The animal was found engaged on its auto-
biography, and died of fright on having its house so suddenly broken into,
being probably of a nervous habit from passing so much time alone. Some
extracts from its memoir were read, and found exceedingly interesting. Its
thoughts on the silent system" of prison discipline, though written in the
dark, strictly agreed with those of our most enlightened political economists.
Dr. Deady read a scientific paper on the manufacture of Hydro-gin, which
greatly interested those of the association who were members of Temperance
Societies.
Mr. Croak laid on the table an essay from the Cabinet Makers' Society, on
the construction offrog-stools.
Professor Parley exhibited his speaking machine, which distinctly articu-
lated the words epale! Bepale!" to the great delight of many of the
audience. The learned Professor stated that he was engaged on another,
'for the use of his Majesty's Ministers, which would already say, My
Lords and Gentlemen;" and he doubted not, by the next meeting of Par-
liament, would be able to pronounce the whole of the opening speech.
Mr. Multiply produced, and explained the principle of, his exaggerating
machine. He displayed its amazing powers on the mathematical point,
which, with little trouble, was made to appear as large as a coach-wheel.
He demonstrated its utility in all the relations of society, as applied to the
failings of the absent-the growth of a tale of scandal-the exploits of
travellers, &c. &c.
The Author of the "Pleasures of Hope" presented, through a member, a
very amusing Essay on the gratification arising from the throttling of crying
children; but as the ladies would not leave the room, it could not be read.
Captain North exhibited some shavings of the real Pole, and a small
bottle which, he asserted, contained scintillations of the Aurora Borealis,
from which, he stated, he had succeeded in extracting pure gold. He
announced that his nephew was preparing for a course of similar experiments'
ofwhich he expected to know the result in October. The gallant Captain
then favoured the company with a dissertation on phrenology, of which, he
said, he had been a believer for thirty years. He stated that he had made








THE NOTORIOUS UNKNOWN.


many valuable verifications of that science on the skulls of the Esquimaux;
and that, in his recent tour in quest of subscribers to his book, his great
success had been mainly attributable to his phrenological skill; for that,
whenever he had an opportunity of feeling for soft places in the heads of the
public, he knew in a moment whether he should get a customer or not. He
said that whether in the examination of ships' heads or sheep's heads-in the
choice of horses or housemaids, he had found the science of pre-eminent
utility. He related the following remarkable phrenological cases:-A man
and woman were executed in Scotland for murder on presumptive evidence;
but another criminal confessed to the deed, and a reprieve arrived the day
after the execution. The whole country was horrified; but Captain North
having examined their heads, he considered, from the extraordinary size of
their destructive organs, that the sentence was prospectively just, for they
must have become murderers, had they escaped hanging then. Their infant
child, of six months old, was brought to him, and perceiving on its head the
same fatal tendencies, he determined to avert the evil; for which purpose, by
means of a pair of moulds, he so compressed the skull in its vicious pro-
pensities, and enlarged it in its virtuous ones, that the child grew up a model
of perfection. The second instance was of a married couple, whose lives
were a continued scene of discord till they parted. On examining their
heads scientifically, he discovered the elementary causes of their unhappiness.
Their skulls were unfortunately too thick to be treated as in the foregoing
case; but, causing both their heads to be shaved, he by dint of planing down
in some places, and laying on padding in others, contrived to produce all
the requisite phrenological developments, and they were then living, a perfect
pattern of conjugal felicity, "a thing which could not have happened
without phrenology." (This dissertation was received with loud applause
from the entire assembly, whose phrenological organs becoming greatly
excited, and developed in an amazing degree by the enthusiasm of the
subject, they all fell to examining each others' bumps with such eagerness
that the meeting dissolved in confusion.)



THE NOTORIOUS UNKNOWN.

O. no! we never mention HER, HER name is never heard;"
And how the deuce to find it out, I knew not, on my word.
But the' I could not tell HER name, HER face I'd often seen,
She stood among the glittering throng," with Jacky in the green.
A ladle in one hand she bore, a salt-box in the other;
And of the Sooty Cupids near, she seemed the teeming mother.
I met HER at the Fancy Fair," with Fancy lads around her,
And with a blow she laid one low, as flat as any flounder.
I saw HER at the Beulah Spa," along with Gipsey Joe,
A-riding on a donkey rough, vitch, somehow, vouldn't go.
I saw HER ply her sybil art, and pick up cash like fun,
For heads and tails she gave them hearts, and pleasur'd every one.
"I saw HER at the Masquerade," along with Nimming Ned,
Achieve those feats, where fingers light work nimbler than the head.
I saw HER too at All-Max once (not Almack's in the west),
"'Twas in a crowd,"-her voice was loud: I mustn't tell the rest.
I saw HER at the "Central Court," (it gave me quite a shock,)
Surrounded by her body guard, she stood within the dock.
And then I heard a little man with solemn voice proclaim,
(Twas rue to me, and wormwood too), that AcIAS was her name!








THE NOTORIOUS UNKNOWN.


many valuable verifications of that science on the skulls of the Esquimaux;
and that, in his recent tour in quest of subscribers to his book, his great
success had been mainly attributable to his phrenological skill; for that,
whenever he had an opportunity of feeling for soft places in the heads of the
public, he knew in a moment whether he should get a customer or not. He
said that whether in the examination of ships' heads or sheep's heads-in the
choice of horses or housemaids, he had found the science of pre-eminent
utility. He related the following remarkable phrenological cases:-A man
and woman were executed in Scotland for murder on presumptive evidence;
but another criminal confessed to the deed, and a reprieve arrived the day
after the execution. The whole country was horrified; but Captain North
having examined their heads, he considered, from the extraordinary size of
their destructive organs, that the sentence was prospectively just, for they
must have become murderers, had they escaped hanging then. Their infant
child, of six months old, was brought to him, and perceiving on its head the
same fatal tendencies, he determined to avert the evil; for which purpose, by
means of a pair of moulds, he so compressed the skull in its vicious pro-
pensities, and enlarged it in its virtuous ones, that the child grew up a model
of perfection. The second instance was of a married couple, whose lives
were a continued scene of discord till they parted. On examining their
heads scientifically, he discovered the elementary causes of their unhappiness.
Their skulls were unfortunately too thick to be treated as in the foregoing
case; but, causing both their heads to be shaved, he by dint of planing down
in some places, and laying on padding in others, contrived to produce all
the requisite phrenological developments, and they were then living, a perfect
pattern of conjugal felicity, "a thing which could not have happened
without phrenology." (This dissertation was received with loud applause
from the entire assembly, whose phrenological organs becoming greatly
excited, and developed in an amazing degree by the enthusiasm of the
subject, they all fell to examining each others' bumps with such eagerness
that the meeting dissolved in confusion.)



THE NOTORIOUS UNKNOWN.

O. no! we never mention HER, HER name is never heard;"
And how the deuce to find it out, I knew not, on my word.
But the' I could not tell HER name, HER face I'd often seen,
She stood among the glittering throng," with Jacky in the green.
A ladle in one hand she bore, a salt-box in the other;
And of the Sooty Cupids near, she seemed the teeming mother.
I met HER at the Fancy Fair," with Fancy lads around her,
And with a blow she laid one low, as flat as any flounder.
I saw HER at the Beulah Spa," along with Gipsey Joe,
A-riding on a donkey rough, vitch, somehow, vouldn't go.
I saw HER ply her sybil art, and pick up cash like fun,
For heads and tails she gave them hearts, and pleasur'd every one.
"I saw HER at the Masquerade," along with Nimming Ned,
Achieve those feats, where fingers light work nimbler than the head.
I saw HER too at All-Max once (not Almack's in the west),
"'Twas in a crowd,"-her voice was loud: I mustn't tell the rest.
I saw HER at the "Central Court," (it gave me quite a shock,)
Surrounded by her body guard, she stood within the dock.
And then I heard a little man with solemn voice proclaim,
(Twas rue to me, and wormwood too), that AcIAS was her name!








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


[1836.


THE FIVE BELLES.
"MY own blue belle, my pretty blue belle,"
How deeply in love with thee I fell!
And graciously you received my suit,
While digging away at a Hebrew root:
But ah! you us'd me wondrous shabby,
To turn me off for a Jewish Rabbi.
My next fair belle was a lively dame;
But I found if I dar'd to advance my claim,
And ventur'd to marry the lovely Bel,
I should take to my arms the Dragon as well.
For such an event I was too old a stager,
So I yielded her up to a triple Bob Major.
Now belle the third was a charming belle,
Who many a tale of love could tell;
But just as I thought that constancy
Was only another name for she,"
Away she ran with an Irish fellow,
And basely proved a horrida Bella.
The belle my fancy next did choose
Stood six feet high in her low-heel'd shoes;
But when I took courage my tale to tell,
My Belle Satvage prov'd a savage belle.
I didn't much mind her being a strapper,
But I couldn't endure her terrible clapper.
But belle the fifth was the belle for me;
I was charm'd by her sweet taciturnity.
To ring this belle I a wish possessed,
But dumb bells always open the chest,
Which made me fear she'd get to the till,
And so, alas! I'm a bachelor still.

Abbertisements 3$xtraottbinar.

THE INDUSTRIOUS FLEAS will continue to per-
form their operations in every part of the British dominions, most
especially during the Summer months, to the infinite delight and satisfaction
of millions of his Majesty's subjects, many thousands of whom have expressed
themselves quite tickled with their ingenuity.

MR. PUFF respectfully announces that he is authorized
to state, that he has received instructions to declare, that he will
submit to public competition the whole of the superb and genuine HOUSE-
HOLD FURNITURE and EFFECTS of the late SIMON SQUANDER, Esq.,
deceased: comprising, among other valuables, a capital cast-iron library,
containing upwards of 5000 wooden volumes, bound in calf, and 500 illegible
manuscripts beautifully printed; an excellent self-willed never acting
pianoforte; a superb suite of wrought iron window curtains; four splendid
cobweb carpets; an invisible sofa; two capital India-rubber mirrors; a large
stock of flint table and bed-linen; straw fenders and fire irons; leather
looking-glasses; a set of calico dining tables, with chairs en suite; about
10,000 ounces of pewter plate; and an excellent paper clock, warranted not
to go. The whole will be sold by auction, without reserve, on the First of
April next. Catalogues to be had of the Auctioneer.
MOST REMARKABLE FACT -There are now living at Manchester, six
persons, whose united ages reach the enormous amount of one hundred and
twenty years And, strange to say, they arc all in full possession of their
ordinary faculties !








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


[1836.


THE FIVE BELLES.
"MY own blue belle, my pretty blue belle,"
How deeply in love with thee I fell!
And graciously you received my suit,
While digging away at a Hebrew root:
But ah! you us'd me wondrous shabby,
To turn me off for a Jewish Rabbi.
My next fair belle was a lively dame;
But I found if I dar'd to advance my claim,
And ventur'd to marry the lovely Bel,
I should take to my arms the Dragon as well.
For such an event I was too old a stager,
So I yielded her up to a triple Bob Major.
Now belle the third was a charming belle,
Who many a tale of love could tell;
But just as I thought that constancy
Was only another name for she,"
Away she ran with an Irish fellow,
And basely proved a horrida Bella.
The belle my fancy next did choose
Stood six feet high in her low-heel'd shoes;
But when I took courage my tale to tell,
My Belle Satvage prov'd a savage belle.
I didn't much mind her being a strapper,
But I couldn't endure her terrible clapper.
But belle the fifth was the belle for me;
I was charm'd by her sweet taciturnity.
To ring this belle I a wish possessed,
But dumb bells always open the chest,
Which made me fear she'd get to the till,
And so, alas! I'm a bachelor still.

Abbertisements 3$xtraottbinar.

THE INDUSTRIOUS FLEAS will continue to per-
form their operations in every part of the British dominions, most
especially during the Summer months, to the infinite delight and satisfaction
of millions of his Majesty's subjects, many thousands of whom have expressed
themselves quite tickled with their ingenuity.

MR. PUFF respectfully announces that he is authorized
to state, that he has received instructions to declare, that he will
submit to public competition the whole of the superb and genuine HOUSE-
HOLD FURNITURE and EFFECTS of the late SIMON SQUANDER, Esq.,
deceased: comprising, among other valuables, a capital cast-iron library,
containing upwards of 5000 wooden volumes, bound in calf, and 500 illegible
manuscripts beautifully printed; an excellent self-willed never acting
pianoforte; a superb suite of wrought iron window curtains; four splendid
cobweb carpets; an invisible sofa; two capital India-rubber mirrors; a large
stock of flint table and bed-linen; straw fenders and fire irons; leather
looking-glasses; a set of calico dining tables, with chairs en suite; about
10,000 ounces of pewter plate; and an excellent paper clock, warranted not
to go. The whole will be sold by auction, without reserve, on the First of
April next. Catalogues to be had of the Auctioneer.
MOST REMARKABLE FACT -There are now living at Manchester, six
persons, whose united ages reach the enormous amount of one hundred and
twenty years And, strange to say, they arc all in full possession of their
ordinary faculties !



































DECEMBER -Box ingDay'








x836.] DECEMBER. 73
I-
Holiday joys have some alloys,-
For many they're bitter pills,
When all the dearest ducks come home
From school, with their long bills,
And the noisy waits at midnight chime,
Convince you it is Wakation time.
I M Season's @bb Aiatters. WEATHEI.
D Signs.


The
season's
signs
this
month
do
greatly
vary
in
manner
too
that's
most
extr'or-
dinary:
if you
are
rich
why
then
you're
warm
and
jolly,
but if
you're
poor,-
cold
hungry
melan-
choly.


"BOX1ANA."

I HATE the very name of box;
It fills me full of fears:
It 'minds me of the woes I've felt
Since I was young in years.
They sent me to a Yorkshire school,
Where I had many knocks;
For there my schoolmates box'd my ears,
Because I couldn't box.
I paek'd my box ; I pick'd the locks;
And ran away to sea;
And very soon I learnt to box
The compass merrily.
I came ashore-I called a coach,
And mounted on the box;
The coach upset against a post,
And gave me dreadful knocks.
I soon got well; in love I fell,
And married Martha Cox;
To please her will, at fam'd Box Hill,
I took a country box.
I had a pretty garden there,
All bordered round with box;
But ah, alas! there liv'd, next door,
A certain Captain Knox.
He took my wife to see the play;-
They had a private box;
Ijealous grew, and from that day
I hated Captain Knox.
I sold my house-I left my wife;-
And went to Lawyer Fox,
Who tempted me to seek redress
All from ajury box.
I went to law, whose greedy maw
Soon emptied my strong box;
I lost my suit, and cash to boot,
All thro' that crafty Fox.
The name of box I therefore dread,
I've had so many shocks;
They'll never end,-for when I'm dead
They'll nail me in a box.


Now
would it not
be better

* f2 f2?

than such

db$

weather
wisdom
as this,



thatIshould
arrive
at the end
of my tether



without
having
prophecied

8 ? 9D

any thing at
all about
the matter?

9 -t T2 n








THE COMIC ALMANAC.


FINALE.

MY task is done but, ere I drown my book,"
And break my staff," I'll take a parting look.

If I have made a fool, in sportive fit,
A lapstone meet, whereon to shape my wit,
So gently have I used him, that, with care,
He'll serve my purpose for another year :
As old Majendie skinned the Italian hound,
And time too short for demonstration found,
Then told his pupils, if they managed right,
They'd keep the dog alive another night.

Of embryo asses I've a pretty store,
Who crave a flaying in a twelvemonth more;
Subjects of every colour and complexion,
Contending for the honour of dissection ;
While some there are, who, blest in their condition,
Would waive the honours of my exhibition.
As bashful Bishops, at an ordination,
Cry Nolo," to the gentle invitation:
And some, the only merit of whose life
Will be, their forming victims for my knife.

Now, John,-not Sir John Ross-I mean John Bull
Thou silly, soft, good-natured, guileless gull!
Why wilt thou let each knave enrich his nest
With treasures pilfered from thy downy breast ?
Pill-bolting glutton of all sorts of trash !
In jest or earnest needing still the lash,
Thy cure (no sinecure) will keep, I fear,
My rod in pickle for another year.






TRANCIS


[1836.