The Comic almanack

Al

S Odd And Interesting

Dickens once visited Crilkshank's Atudio and there saw
a series of pictures illustrating the career of a London
thief. There was a sketch of Falin's den. the Artful
Dodger, Charley Bates and Bill Stkes. All these Dickeni
.worked Into the book, "Oliver Twist."

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THE

COMIC ALMANAC.

IST SERIES, 1835-1843.

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THE

COMIC ALMANAC

AN EPIIEMERIS:IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,

QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY
STHACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.

"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF."

lBiti mango Tunbreb Illustrations

BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK
AND OTHER ARTISTS.

FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843.

LONDON:
JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74 & 75, PICCADILLY.

PRELIMINARY.

T HE Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long
been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as
among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending
over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive,
they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the
varied excellences of his marvellous power.
The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of
the Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged
upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers
Mayhew, the late Robert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has
been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of
"Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently
appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and Barber Cox, or the Cutting
of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for
1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2s. 6d., but
in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to Is.
The change did not produce the increased circulation expected,
and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2s. 6d. In
this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added,
and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner,
the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the work.
For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly
sought after by collectors, and as much as 61. and 71. have
been given. for good copies.
A Second Series, completing the work, will shortly be pub-
lished. It will be uniform in size and appearance with the
present volume, and embrace the years 1844-1853.
J. C. H.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

FOR 1835.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

PRELUDIUM.

SCENE.-An Apartment in the House of FANc s MooRE, in which that
renowned Physician and Astrologer is discovered, lying at the point
of death. The NURSE is holding up his head, while a skilful MEDI-
CINER is dispensing a potion. Sundry OLD WOMEN surround his
couch, in an agony of grief. The ASTROLOGER starteth up in a pa-
roxysm of rage.

Moore. Throw physic to the dogs," I'll gulp no more.
I'm done for: my prophetic life is o'er.
Who are these hags ? and wherefore come they here ?
Old Women. Alack! he raves, and knows us not, poor dear!
To think he should his only friends forget!
Who've fostered him, and made him quite a pet.
Moore. Begone, ye beldames wherefore do ye howl?
Old Women. We've come to comfort your unhappy sowl.
Nurse. 'Tis the Old Women,-pr'ythee, do not scare 'em,-
Who to the last have bought your Vox STELLARUM;
They're sorely griev'd, and fear that you will die;
And then, alack-a-day! who'll read the sky ?
Moore. Oh, ah!-yes-well,-just so-just so,
I see-I feel-I smell-I know-I know.
Nurse. Poor soul! he's going fast. Oh! shocking shock!
So kind a master....Bless me! there's a knock!

Enter RIGDum FuNNIDOs, in deep mourning.
Big. Fun. Ye black and midnight hags! what is't ye do?"
Nurse. Speak softly, Sir; my master's turning blue.
He's not been sensible since last November.
Big. Fun. (aside) Nor ever was, that I can e'er remember.
But.we must talk before his course is run.
Moore. Who's that?-my sight grows dim-Is't RIDnuM FuN. ?
Big. Fun. The same, great MOORE!
Moore. But, bless me! all in black!
What! mourn a living man! Alack! alack !
Big. Fun. I wear prospective mourning, thus to shew
The solemn grandeur of prophetic woe.
Moore. The thought is lively, though the subject's grave;
And, therefore, you my free forgiveness have.
Big. Fun. How can I serve you, ere you vanish hence ?
Moore. I wish you'd cut the throat of COMMON SENSE.
To him I owe my death. That cruel wight
Long on my hopes has cast a fatal blight.
I knew I had received the mortal blow,
When first he wounded me, six years ago;
And every year the knave has stronger grown,
While ev'ry year has sunk me lower down.
Big. Fun. I will avenge you;-nay, I'll go much further:
The "Crowner's quest" shall find him guilty Mutther."

[1835.

PRELUDIUM.

The common hangman shall cut short his breath;
And, by a shameful end, avenge your death.
Moore. 'Tis kindly said; and I in peace shall die.
Say, is there aught that you would ask of I?
Big. Fun. Oh, FRAncIS MOORE who soon no MORE wilt be;
I came, a precious boon to beg of thee:-
One gracious favour, ere you breathe your last,-
On rE your Prophet's mantle deign to cast!
Let me be raised to your deserted throne,
And call your countless subjects all my own.
Then let the mirth, they levell'd once at thee,
Fall, if it will, with tenfold force on me.
If all will laugh at me, who laugh'd at you,
The frowns of fortune I no more shall nme;
Nay, with such temper would I bear their jeers,
I could endure them for a hundred years.
Moore. Life's ebbing fast; my sands are nearly run;
But you shall have what you request, my son!
Now, sit you down, and write what I shall say,-
The last bright glimmerings of the taper's ray.
I'll shew you how to pen those strains so well,
Of which the meaning no one e'er could tell.
Send forth the women; -draw a little nigher;
My brain is heating with prophetic fire.
Big. Fun. Matrons, abscond! (They depart glumpishly; carrying
off the Mediciner.) Now, Dad, I'm all attention,
To learn the wisdom that's past comprehension.
Moore. The fiery Mars with furious fury rages."
Big. Fun. I've penn'd that down, most erudite of sages !
lMoore. The Dog-star kindles with inflaming ire."
Big. Fun. Just wait a moment, while I stir the fire.
Moore. Terrific portents flame along the sky;
"I know the cause,-but dare not mention why."
Big. Fun. (aside) Which shews your prophecying's all my eye.
Moore. The planets are the book in which I read,-"
Big. Fun. I'm very glad to hear that you succeed.
You've better luck than when you went to school;
For there, I guess, they perch'd you on a stool.
Moore. I read this solemn truth, as in a glass,-
'Whate'er will happen's sure to come to pass;'
"And if it don't, why 'set me down an ass.' "
Big. Fun. That's done already; for to me 'twas plain,
An ass you were, and ever would remain.
Moore. Avaunt! I'll speak no more to ears profane.
[The scene openeth, and discovereth the Shade of the great Astro-
loger, LILLY, enveloped in afog, who claspeth FRnAcis MOORE
in his arms, and mizzleth off with him in a mist.-N. B. The
renowned PHYSICIAN droppeth his threadbare mantle, swhichfal-
leth on RGaDUs FusNnmDs, who maketh his exit therewith joy-
fully.

4

When you
If you dip
But if you
You'll not
'Just so wi
Had I stoo
M season's
D Signs.
1 toes
2 nose
3 froze
4 blue
5 who
6 you
7 ice
8 trice
9 down
10 crown
11 folk
12 joke
13 in
14 grin
15 out
16 shout
17 cram
18 ham
19 jam
20 dram
21 twelfth
22 night
23 bright
24 sight
25 bake
26 cake
27 nice
28 slice
29 twice
30 quaff
31 laugh

JANUARY. [1835.

first go to bathe, gentle Sir, in a river,
in one foot, it will give you a shiver;
've the pluck to plunge in your whole body,
shiver at all, you poor timid noddy!
th my rhymes,-I've got thro' my first trouble:
d shilly-shally, my toil had been double.

COMFORTS OF THE SEASON.
Chilblains sore on all your toes,
Icicles hang from your nose
Rheumatis' in all your limbs;
Noddle full of aches and whims;
Chaps upon your hands and lips,
And lumbago in your hips.
To your bed you shiv'ring creep,
There to freeze, but not to sleep;
For the sheets, that look so nice,
Are to you two sheets of ice;
Wearied out, at length you doze,
And snatch, at last, a brief repose,
Dream all night that you're a dab,
Lying on fishmonger's slab.
While indulging in a snore,
There comes a rap at chamber door;
Screaming voice of Betty cries:
"If you please, it's time to rise."
Up you start, and, on the sheet,
Find your breath is changed to sleet;
Tow'rds the glass you turn your view,
Find your nose of purple hue,
Looking very like, I trow,
Beet-root in a field of snow.
You would longer lie, but nay,
Time is come,-you must away.
Out you turn, with courage brave,
Slip on drawers,-and then to shave !
Seize the jug, and in a trice,
Find the water changed to ice:
Break the ice, and have to rue
That you've broke the pitcher too.
Water would not run before;
Now, it streams upon the floor,
Threatening with a fearful doom,
Ceiling of the drawing-room.
In the frenzy of despair,
You seize you don't know what, nor care,
Mop up all the wet and dirt,
And find you've done it with your shirt;
Your only shirt,-all filth and slosh,-
.For all the rest are in the wash.
Into bed you turn again,
Ring the bell with might and main,
Stammer out to Betty, why
'Twixt the sheets you're forced to lie,
'Till, pitying your feelings hurt,
She dabs you out another shirt.

,ba ffttatttrs.

WEATHER.

Weather
likely

8dAb
to be
cold

if

the frost

A*Q
is very old:
If no snow

should
chance to
fall,

od *0
then -
perhaps

Otb
no frost

OOA
at all.

64A o? 3

JANUARY.

ASS-TROLOGICAL PREDICTIONS.
I NOW proceed to put on my conjuring cap, and shew forth the
wonders of the stars.
On looking at the moon, through my 500-horse power telescope,
which magnifieth the planets 97,000,000 of times larger than
life, I discern, that the march of intellect hath already travelled to
that luminary; for I do distinctly perceive divers juveniles, of eighty
years old and upwards, seated on stools, with horn-books in their
hands. The Man in the Moon is also very busy, striving to meta-
morphose his sticks into brooms, to sweep away the cobwebs of
ignorance therewith. Moreover, I do observe about half a million
miles of cast-iron rail-road, in the direction of the earth, by which
I do opine an inclination towards this planet. But there doth ap-
pear a great consternation amongst the other constellations, more
especially in the Upper House, where Libra hath got into fiery oppo-
sition with Mars; and Saturn (who hath grown Grey) hath, in
striving to part them, lost the skirts of his coat, and is glad to put
up with a Spencer, whereby is clearly shadowed forth a fierce en-
counter between two great commanders. Let those, who think little
of law and justice, read the 10,000 volumes of the Abridgment of
the Statutes, and tremble!
Touching the affairs of Europe in general, I can say nothing in
particular; excepting that I observe, that the Pope of Rome hath
been furiously dealing forth his anathemas,* wherein he doth be-
tray a most marvellous lack of wit; for doth he opine, that Chris-
tian folk are such calves as to be cow'd by a bull ? Verily, it toucheth
me sore, to note the silly doings of the crazy old beldame, who hath
turned the world topsy-turvy for so many centuries, when she
might gather her petticoats about her, and sit down in peace and
quietness, by merely-my old friend and gossip, Poor Humphrey,
sagaciously observeth,-just turning Protestant. And, in good sooth,
when we come to think of it, there need be no quarrellings and
bickering on religious grounds, nor scruples for conscience' sake,
in any part of the world, if all the Pagans, Hindoos, Mahometans,
Jews. and folks of every religion, and of no religion at all, were
only just to make up their minds to do the same thing. And, pray,
let me ask, what can be a more simple piece of advice ?

THE GREAT COMET.
THOUGH, touching Comets, Tycho Brahe, Kepler, Halley, Sir
Isaac Newton, and others of that stamp, do deny their malign in-

The Abbh de la Mennais has roused the thunder of the Vatican by his
Paroles d'un Croyant. The Pope has addressed an evangelical letter to the
,prelates of the Catholic world, in which the Abbd is compared with John
Huss and Wickliff, and his Holiness says:-" We damn for ever this book of
small size but huge depravity."--Morning Post, June, 1834.

ASS-TROLOGICAL PREDICTIONS.
I NOW proceed to put on my conjuring cap, and shew forth the
wonders of the stars.
On looking at the moon, through my 500-horse power telescope,
which magnifieth the planets 97,000,000 of times larger than
life, I discern, that the march of intellect hath already travelled to
that luminary; for I do distinctly perceive divers juveniles, of eighty
years old and upwards, seated on stools, with horn-books in their
hands. The Man in the Moon is also very busy, striving to meta-
morphose his sticks into brooms, to sweep away the cobwebs of
ignorance therewith. Moreover, I do observe about half a million
miles of cast-iron rail-road, in the direction of the earth, by which
I do opine an inclination towards this planet. But there doth ap-
pear a great consternation amongst the other constellations, more
especially in the Upper House, where Libra hath got into fiery oppo-
sition with Mars; and Saturn (who hath grown Grey) hath, in
striving to part them, lost the skirts of his coat, and is glad to put
up with a Spencer, whereby is clearly shadowed forth a fierce en-
counter between two great commanders. Let those, who think little
of law and justice, read the 10,000 volumes of the Abridgment of
the Statutes, and tremble!
Touching the affairs of Europe in general, I can say nothing in
particular; excepting that I observe, that the Pope of Rome hath
been furiously dealing forth his anathemas,* wherein he doth be-
tray a most marvellous lack of wit; for doth he opine, that Chris-
tian folk are such calves as to be cow'd by a bull ? Verily, it toucheth
me sore, to note the silly doings of the crazy old beldame, who hath
turned the world topsy-turvy for so many centuries, when she
might gather her petticoats about her, and sit down in peace and
quietness, by merely-my old friend and gossip, Poor Humphrey,
sagaciously observeth,-just turning Protestant. And, in good sooth,
when we come to think of it, there need be no quarrellings and
bickering on religious grounds, nor scruples for conscience' sake,
in any part of the world, if all the Pagans, Hindoos, Mahometans,
Jews. and folks of every religion, and of no religion at all, were
only just to make up their minds to do the same thing. And, pray,
let me ask, what can be a more simple piece of advice ?

THE GREAT COMET.
THOUGH, touching Comets, Tycho Brahe, Kepler, Halley, Sir
Isaac Newton, and others of that stamp, do deny their malign in-

The Abbh de la Mennais has roused the thunder of the Vatican by his
Paroles d'un Croyant. The Pope has addressed an evangelical letter to the
,prelates of the Catholic world, in which the Abbd is compared with John
Huss and Wickliff, and his Holiness says:-" We damn for ever this book of
small size but huge depravity."--Morning Post, June, 1834.

6 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1835-

fluence on mundane affairs, yet I, RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, holding in far
greater reverence the wisdom of our ancestors, and the sage opinion
of my renowned defunct predecessor, FiNuCIS MooRE, do maintain,
that they cast a sinister aspect on this terrestrial globe; yea, and
do mightily, in a most adverse fashion, affect the same. Where-
fore, I say, look, when the Great Comet cometh, for a sufficient
reason, in the coming thereof, for every thing which shall happen
contrariwise; whether it be the falling of kings, or the falling of
stocks; the quarrels of nations, or the squabbles of matrimony;
the crash of empires, or the smash of crockery; the tyranny of
despots, or the scolding of wives :-yea, I do say again, place them
all to the account of the Great Comet.

Hereafter do follow sundry matters, both pleasant and profitable.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
M ATRIMONY.-A highly respectable Gentleman, who has,
for many years, distinguished himself as an important Public
Functionary, is desirous of altering his condition, and tying the
knot of wedlock with a Lady of congenial sentiments. Having,
himself, a very tender disposition, he stipulates for the same on the
part of the object of his attachment; and as he is partial to good
spirits, he hopes she will always have a stock. She must be duly
impressed with a regard for the dignity of her husband's station,
and must never associate with her inferiors, and whatever pledges
she makes, she must be careful to redeem. The Advertiser is not
very particular as to personal attractions; and with regard to
money, he has seen so many people in a state of dependence, that
he merely trusts she will come provided against such an unpleasant
contingency. On these conditions, which are the gaol of his wishes,
he will give the fair object of his affections her fill swing, and be
perfectly resigned to his fate. He anxiously looks for a line, ad-
dressed "JOHN KEgTCH, Esq., opposite the Debtors' Door, Old
Bailey."
N.B. The Schoolmaster in Newgate, who drew up the above ad-
vertisement, for his respected friend, Mr. Ketch, takes this opportu-
nity of contradicting a report, which has been current for some
time past,-that the Schoolmaster is abroad, which is quite foreign
from the fact. Arrangements were certainly made to that effect,
which, had they been carried into execution, he would have been
quite transported; but he regrets to state, that he is under the ne-
cessity of remaining at his old abode, the large stone house in the
Old Bailey.

FEBRUARY

'-~--
L-'r" :

-,
i F!I

1835.] FEBRUARY. 7

Birds, this month, do bill and coo;
Do the like, and you may rue.
Courting is a pretty pleasure;
Wed in haste, repent at leisure.

To hen-peck'd husbands what a feast!
This month, all women talk the least.
M Season's ba Jltattcrs. WEATHER.
D ins

VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can't make out what they're about,
Nor how the men incline;
I've watched each knock, since nine o'clock,
To get a Valentine.
In vain I've tried on every side,
Some happy chance to see,
For, ah, alas! there came to pass
No Valentine for me.
From morn till night I've scream'd "The
light
Guitar," above a week.
"Bid me discourse," has made me hoarse,
Till I can scarcely speak.
Through rain and snow I always go
To Tuesday evening lecture,
Yet snow and rain don't bring a swain;
And why, I can't conjecture.
In short, to find a lover kind,
I've us'd all honest ways,
I've pinch'd my toes, and no one knows
How tight I've lac'd my stays.
Three times to-day, across the way,
The postman has been seen-
And this makes four-at Jones's door !
One! two! "For Betty Green."
Well! on my word, old Major Bird
Stands making signs, I think,-
(If Betty dares to set her snares,-)
I'm sure I saw him wink.
I vow I'll call, and tell it all;
They'll give her instant warning;
And, but the river makes one shiver,
I'd drown to-morrow morning.

Rain or hail,
DS <
snoworsleet
GI X
in
this month
6 'VT *
you're
suretomeet.
$ S
If you don't
En 6 dX
why then
you von't:'

Perhaps
th:'re won't
be one
Ito0 t B 8
nor t'other:
9
Why then
'twillhappen

in
some other.

mizzle
drizzle
frizzle
raw
thaw
hearts
darts
smarts
loves
doves
gloves
willing
billing
wooing
cooing
eyes
sighs
mate
fate
love
cold
scratch
scold
fight
bite
spite
mope
rope

THE COMIC ALMANAC. [I835-

HUMBUGGUM ASTROLOGIOUM, PRO ANNO 1835.

VOX MULTORUM, VOX STULTOBUM: The Voice of the
Many is the Voice of a Zany.-It bracleth at all Places
and Seasons.

JANUS

COURTEOUS READER,

STEPPING in the steps of my late worthy and much-lamented
Prototype, FEANcIs MooRE, deceased, I herewith present you
with my Hieroglyphic, adapted to the TIMES." "Its interpreta-
tion is in the womb of time," and those who do pry with curious
eyes into the mysteries of the stars, will, in due season, divine the
hidden meaning thereof. Yet may I observe, that by the rules of
art, I have discovered, that a fiery planet, which has.been for some
time located in the upper house, and has been for a long while lord
of the ascendant, has come in fiery opposition with Scorpio; while
Taurus hath flung a quartile ray at both of them.

MARC H.

1~-i(r
.J.

--

c-~f~I~

8351.] MARCH. 9

I fear I am a Sinner lost,
For often do I pray,-
That I could read, in Times or Post,
The death of LADY DAY.

M Season's tay Jlatters. WEATHER.
DI Signs.
1 Shrove I suspend
2 tide MARCH WINDS. 6 0 T2 n1
3 fritters Come, Bully MARCH! and show your blus- my
4 fried tering face; predictions
5 Nan I'll give you blow for blow, to your disgrace.
You take advantage of us Fleet Street sin- If4 Si f
6 makes uers,
7 pan- While the police are gone to get their din- on the
8 cakes ners. weather
S From Racket Court you rush, with such a
9 batter rattle, SI
10 clatter As makes the Lumber troopers fear a battle, this month,
11 spatter Oh! what fun, by the Bolt-in-tun, & ( ) D
12 sky As your windy highness passes; because I
13 high DI'ye hear a crash? There's a window- shall e able
14 toss Made multiplying glasses. & a 'Y 12
15 in the And now you come again from Chanc'ry to tell more
16 pan Lane,
17 high Where "Law" and "Assurance" guard Old correctly
8 as Dunstan's fane. f t
18 as (Old Dunstan, did 1 say ?-young Dunstan
19 you now, next year;
20 can As many a heavy parish rate will show.) and
21 tos See how you raise a riot and a rout, moreover,
211 toss Tossing old women's petticoats about;
22 them Hats, capes, and umbrellas round you scatter, 2
23 higher Till good Saint Bridget wonders what's the my readers
matter.
24 fat mcan
25 in the Ah, che gust-o! what a dusto!
S Blowing, growing, as it flies. S & 3 12
26 fire Lime and mortar show no quarter,
27 soot Ramming, cramming, ears and eyes. exercise
their own
28 must They say your dust is gold; so, little fear judgments
29 splash Of growing poor; we'll roll in riches here ; j
30 crash Then blow up, MAnCH our sapient parish g ~ H
powers
31 ash Ne'er think of water till the April showers, thereupon.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

MY GRANDMOTHER'S LAMENT;
OR,
THE SETTLING DAY.

IT was a drear November morn; the rain was pouring fast;
I underneath a gateway stood, in hopes it would not last;
And forthwith I began to muse, and to myself did say :
I hope the rain will soon give o'er, for this is SETTLING DAY.".
If I don't stand for shelter here, I shall be wetted thro';
I at the Stock Exchange shall be black-boarded if I do:
And while I thus was fidgetting, the sun shot forth a ray;
And then I hoped to be in time all for the SETTLING DAY."
The rain clear'd off, and gladsomely I did prepare to go,
When up there came an Ancient Dame with visage full of woe:
She laid on me her skinny hand, and mournfully did say:
"To my lament you must give ear, altho' 'tis 'SETTLING DAY.'"
" Good lady," I began to say, "my time is very short,"-
And fain I would have slipp'd away, but she my button caught.
" Oh! listen to your Grandmother! for she has much to say,"-
(She surely held me by some spell, although'twas SETTLING DAY.")
" From morn till eve I wander forth; I roam like one distraught;
" Which ever way I turn my eyes, with ruin it is fraught.
" The good old times are quite forgot; all things do fade away;
" And when I mourn, the people laugh, and cry: 'tis SETTLING
DAY.'
"'Twas in the Court of Chancery I oft did take my nap;
" And many doubting Chancellors I've dandled in my lap;
" But now the Broom, that sweeps the room, it brushes me away;
" And says, for me, and all such crones, it is the SETTLING DAY.'
" 'Twas in the Commons House I sat, when Billy Pitt was young;
" I listen'd to his twelve-hour speech, and blest his fluent tongue.
" They us'd" to sit from night till morn; and how they talk'd away!
" But now they sit from morn till night: oh! what a 'SETTLING
DAY!'
"They've London pulled about one's ears; 'tis London now no
more;
" They've swallow'd up poor Swallow Street; behind is now before;
"They've metamorphos'd Charing Cross; the Mews has pass'd
away,
" And Lewkner's Lane I seek in vain: 't has had its 'SETTLING
DAY.'

[i835.

31Y GRANDMOTHER'S LAMENT.

" St. Dunstan's Church they've built anew; oh! what a Gothic feat!
" The Savages, who beat the Bells, have beaten a retreat;
" They've built another London Bridge; the old one's clear'd away;
" For such destructive knaves I wish a speedy 'SETTLING DAY.'

" The Watchmen mustn't cry the hour, nor in their boxes snore;
" Their occupation's gone, and time with them is now no more.
" They tell me, too, the little Sweeps no more must'Soot, ho!' say:
" I hope for such black deeds there'll come a sweeping SETTLING
DAY.'
" Another thing doth sorrow bring, and maketh me to fret;
" They talk about abolishing Imprisonment for Debt;
" And next, alas! the time may come, there'll be no costs to pay,
" For ev'ry man will get his own upon the SETTLING DAY.'
" I mind me, when a little girl, I travell'd once to York;
" And slow and stately did we ride; it was a three days' work;
" But now they do it all by steam, so very fast, they say,
" To Brummagem you'll go, and back, in half a SETTLING DAY.'

" I heard them talk, awhile agone, about an air-balloon,
" To come from France, and carry us a journey to the moon.
" When folks become so impious, our duty 'tis to pray,
" That such presumptuous doings soon may meet a' SETTLING DAY.'
" That horrid March of Intellect has prov'd a perfect bore;
" I fear it killed poor St. John Long: his rubbing days are o'er;
" But 'twas a gracious sight to see his funeral array,
" And lords and ladies join the train, upon his 'SETTLING DAY.'

" They've made the babes at infant schools so very wise indeed,
" That they can read before they speak, and write before they read:
" They're wiser than their grandmothers! you hear the people say,
"I can't survive this awful shock;-this cruel' SETTLING DAY.' "
While thus the crone did make her moan, I pitied her full sore,
And much I strove to comfort her, when she'had given o'er:
I begg'd of her to list to me, and I'd be bound to say,
Some snug abuses I would find, without a SETTLING DAY."
For dirty courts and narrow lanes, I told her not to fret;
To 'mind us of the good old times, there was a plenty yet:
At East and West, 'mong gents and cits, there's many a crooked way,
And holes and corners dark enough, without a SETTLING DAY."

I bade her look at Temple Bar,-that venerable pile;
Its mould'ring stones and rotten gates, and then she gave a smile
She thought upon the bleeding heads, and plaintively did say:
"I hope for that dear obstaclethere'll be no SETTLING DAY.'"

12 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1835-

Tho' St. John Long (I said) is gone,-that curer of all ills,-
We still have modest Morison's fam'd Vegetable Pills;
Then think upon the Pension List, where stand, in grand array,
A splendid train, who take their cash on ev'ry SETTLING DAY."

I own'd that, for the London Cries, we now must ring a knell:
But if we've lost the 'Sweep soot-ho!' we've got the dustman's
bell;
Tho' in the street, it is not meet that folks should preach or pray;
Yet Punch may bawl, and singers squall, without a SETTLING DAY."

My Granny grinn'd a ghastly smile, and let my button go;
" We'll meet again," she said, and then I'll tell you all my woe :
"You have not heard a twentieth part; but you'll no longer stay."
She vanish'd straight; but all too late;-I lost my SETTLING DAY."

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
A GENTLEMAN, vho is about to proceed to New South
Wales, on the public account, for fourteen years, is desirous
of providing a confidential situation for an active YOUTH, pre-
viously to his departure. He is exceedingly light-fingered, and very
dexterous in the conveyance of property; and, among his other
accomplishments, the advertiser can confidently recommend him
for considerable skill in opening locks without the aid of a key.
He has been brought up to the bar; and is lineally descended
from the renowned Jerry Abershaw. Most of his relations have
been raised to exalted situations, far above the ordinary crowd;
and, indeed, there is little doubt, that the force of his genius, if
suffered to take its course, will, in time, procure for him the same
degree of elevation. He can refer with confidence for a character
to any of the gentlemen composing that respectable body, the
Swell Mob Association; and the advertiser will be happy to reply
to any inquiries, addressed-PETER PRIG, Esq., at the Stone Jug
Hotel, Old Bailey.

12 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1835-

Tho' St. John Long (I said) is gone,-that curer of all ills,-
We still have modest Morison's fam'd Vegetable Pills;
Then think upon the Pension List, where stand, in grand array,
A splendid train, who take their cash on ev'ry SETTLING DAY."

I own'd that, for the London Cries, we now must ring a knell:
But if we've lost the 'Sweep soot-ho!' we've got the dustman's
bell;
Tho' in the street, it is not meet that folks should preach or pray;
Yet Punch may bawl, and singers squall, without a SETTLING DAY."

My Granny grinn'd a ghastly smile, and let my button go;
" We'll meet again," she said, and then I'll tell you all my woe :
"You have not heard a twentieth part; but you'll no longer stay."
She vanish'd straight; but all too late;-I lost my SETTLING DAY."

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
A GENTLEMAN, vho is about to proceed to New South
Wales, on the public account, for fourteen years, is desirous
of providing a confidential situation for an active YOUTH, pre-
viously to his departure. He is exceedingly light-fingered, and very
dexterous in the conveyance of property; and, among his other
accomplishments, the advertiser can confidently recommend him
for considerable skill in opening locks without the aid of a key.
He has been brought up to the bar; and is lineally descended
from the renowned Jerry Abershaw. Most of his relations have
been raised to exalted situations, far above the ordinary crowd;
and, indeed, there is little doubt, that the force of his genius, if
suffered to take its course, will, in time, procure for him the same
degree of elevation. He can refer with confidence for a character
to any of the gentlemen composing that respectable body, the
Swell Mob Association; and the advertiser will be happy to reply
to any inquiries, addressed-PETER PRIG, Esq., at the Stone Jug
Hotel, Old Bailey.

II

IIlk

A P R I Lw

1835.] APRIL. 13

Opera open-Town fills-
Old fools dance quadrilles-
Paganini's fiddle-de-D-
The D- once fiddled a guinea from me-
Crockford's splendid Saturday Dinners-
Sunday-". Miserable sinners!"
M Season's
D Signs If eb 3attcrs. WEArHER.

growing
showers
springing
flowers
hot
cross
bunn
day
Easter
Monday
what a
fun
day!
prentice
boys
full
of
joys
noise
toys
Greenwich
hill
Jack
and
Jill
tumble
down
crack
their
crown

If it be
neither

warm
nor cold,wet
nor dry,
S 6 8
calm
nor storm;
and
*, n T0
there be
neither
tT2?0Q S
frost, snow,
hail, rain,
nor sleet,
n

why then
you maysay,
l bn
that

I am

no
conjurer.

APRIL RHYMES.

Rhymes for April-let me sing
The pleasures of returning spring.

I wish, in verse the lines ran single,
'Tis tiresome, hunting words that jingle,
And just as hard, in any season,
To furnish either rhyme or reason:
For showers, and bowers, and buds of roses,
Nights, and blights, and blue cold noses,
Beams and gleams, and flow'rets springing,
Feather'd warblers, winging, singing,
Hills and rills, and groves and loves,
Wooing, cooing, turtle-doves,
Shades and glades, and larks and thrushes,
Chilly grass, and dripping bushes,
Are soon a poor exhausted store;-
I'll try a city theme for more.

Judges, fudges, wigs, and prigs,
In coaches, busses, cabs, and gigs,
Dripping, tripping, slipping, slopping,
Pink silk stockings go a-shopping;
Haggling, draggling, puddling, poking,
Drizzling, mizzling, muddling, soaking,
Dirty crossings, dainty faces,
Pretty legs choose-widest places;
And fools are made, by far the worst,
On other days besides the First.

14 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [1835.

ABSTBACT of an ACT, intituled an Act for the Amendment of an
Act for the Amendment of the Poor Laws.
[To be passed on the 1st of April next.]

Preamble.-Abuses all former Acts, and repeals them accord-
ingly.
Clause 1.-Empowers paupers to act as Churchwardens and
Overseers; to form their own vestries, and pass laws for their own
relief.
Clause 2.-Provides for weekly tavern dinners for the same; and
stipulates for a bountiful supply of turtle-soup, venison, burgundy,
champagne, hock, claret, and rose-water.
Clause 3.-Enacts that pensions, of not less than 1000 per
annum, shall be granted to all former Churchwardens and Over-
seers, as a compensation for their loss of office; and that they shall
each be raised to the rank of baronet, as a compensation for their
loss of dignity.
Clause 4.-Enacts that every able-bodied pauper, who can work,
shall be allowed five guineas per week each, and two guineas for
each of their children, illegitimate or otherwise; and should any
refractory pauper refuse this allowance, and prefer breaking stones
at a.penny per bushel, he shall be forthwith committed to the
custody of the keeper of the London Tavern, if in the City of
London, or of some inn or hotel, if any other part of the kingdom,
and be compelled to feast like an alderman, till he show symptoms
of contrition.
Clause 5.-That as many paupers may prefer being boarded and
lodged, suitable mansions shall be erected for the purpose, in
cheerful and airy situations; to which governors shall be ap-
pointed, to be elected by the paupers, for the due regulation
thereof. And if, on complaint of one or more of the said paupers,
it shall appear, that the said governor hath, on any occasion,
omitted to provide them with all due necessaries, such as silver
forks, doileys, finger-glasses, napkins, or other indispensable matters;
or hath omitted to serve their tea, coffee, or chocolate, in silver
pots, and china cups and saucers; or substituted, plain lump for
double-refined lump sugar, or milk for cream, or tallow for wax
candles, or a feather-bed for a down-bed: or neglected to keep the
harp or piano in proper tune, or to furnish clean linen once a day,
(if they desire it, but not otherwise); or presumed to call them out
of bed before twelve at noon, unless specially directed so t6 do; or
behaved disrespectfully, or omitted to stand uncovered in their
presence, &c. &c. &c. for each and every such offence, the said
governor shall be committed to the tread-mill for not less than six
calendar months.

1835-] ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. 15

Clause 6.-Each pauper, who is a boarder as aforesaid, shall be
at liberty to invite as many friends as he pleases, to a grand dinner
party, to be holden once a week; a concert arid ball to be holden
twice a week; and a grand concert and ball to take place four
times in the year; on which occasion, the said paupers, or a com-
mittee thereof, shall be at liberty to engage any of the Italian
singers, provided their terms do not exceed 100 guineas each per
night.
Clause 7.-Allows a premium of 50 guineas to the mother of
every illegitimate child born in the said mansion.
Clause 8.-Enacts that the halt, the maimed, and the blind,
together with all aged, infirm, diseased, idiotic, and insane persons,
and all who are unable, through mental or bodily incapacity, to
maintain themselves, shall be allowed the liberty of begging their
bread on the king's highway; by which, public sympathy will be
powerfully awakened, and pauperism effectually discouraged.
Clause 9.-Enacts that all the moneys, necessary for carrying the
foregoing provisions into effect, shall be disbursed from the pockets
of the honest and industrious.
Clause 10.-Enacts that this Act shall neither be altered,
amended, nor repealed.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
OUND on a suspicious person, stopped by the Police, the
' following articles, viz.:-
1. The clock of old St. Dunstan's Church, with the Cross of
St. Paul's and the steeple of the church in Langham Place, which
he had converted into a seal and key, and appended thereto by a
chain cable.
2. The images of Gog and Magog from Guildhall. N B. He
begged hard to have these restored to him, alleging that he had
bought them as playthings for his children.
3. The "collective wisdom" of St. Stephen's Chapel, which he
had purloined from the Members' skulls, before the late fire, and
had artfully concealed in a nut-shell.
4. The conscience of the legal profession, which, at first, was
scarcely perceptible, but on its being accidentally placed in a bag
of sovereigns, became extremely vociferous.
5. A cart-load of Billingsgate abuse, and a bag of moonshine.
Should these articles not be claimed, they will be sold to the best
bidder. N.B. They would admirably answer the purpose of some
of our "best public Instructors."
There were several other articles of less value, all of which will
be restored, to the right owners, on application to the Mansion
House.

1835-] ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. 15

Clause 6.-Each pauper, who is a boarder as aforesaid, shall be
at liberty to invite as many friends as he pleases, to a grand dinner
party, to be holden once a week; a concert arid ball to be holden
twice a week; and a grand concert and ball to take place four
times in the year; on which occasion, the said paupers, or a com-
mittee thereof, shall be at liberty to engage any of the Italian
singers, provided their terms do not exceed 100 guineas each per
night.
Clause 7.-Allows a premium of 50 guineas to the mother of
every illegitimate child born in the said mansion.
Clause 8.-Enacts that the halt, the maimed, and the blind,
together with all aged, infirm, diseased, idiotic, and insane persons,
and all who are unable, through mental or bodily incapacity, to
maintain themselves, shall be allowed the liberty of begging their
bread on the king's highway; by which, public sympathy will be
powerfully awakened, and pauperism effectually discouraged.
Clause 9.-Enacts that all the moneys, necessary for carrying the
foregoing provisions into effect, shall be disbursed from the pockets
of the honest and industrious.
Clause 10.-Enacts that this Act shall neither be altered,
amended, nor repealed.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
OUND on a suspicious person, stopped by the Police, the
' following articles, viz.:-
1. The clock of old St. Dunstan's Church, with the Cross of
St. Paul's and the steeple of the church in Langham Place, which
he had converted into a seal and key, and appended thereto by a
chain cable.
2. The images of Gog and Magog from Guildhall. N B. He
begged hard to have these restored to him, alleging that he had
bought them as playthings for his children.
3. The "collective wisdom" of St. Stephen's Chapel, which he
had purloined from the Members' skulls, before the late fire, and
had artfully concealed in a nut-shell.
4. The conscience of the legal profession, which, at first, was
scarcely perceptible, but on its being accidentally placed in a bag
of sovereigns, became extremely vociferous.
5. A cart-load of Billingsgate abuse, and a bag of moonshine.
Should these articles not be claimed, they will be sold to the best
bidder. N.B. They would admirably answer the purpose of some
of our "best public Instructors."
There were several other articles of less value, all of which will
be restored, to the right owners, on application to the Mansion
House.

16

Mai
She
So
His
Wh
Dis
M Season's
D Signs.
1 First of
2 May
3 Day
4 once
5 a gay
6 day
7 Jack
8 in the
9 green
10 ravish-
11 ing
12 scene
13 chimney
14 sweepers
15 no
16 longer
117 creepers
18 holiday
19 jolly
20 day
21'off
22 they
23 go
24 dancing
25 prancing
26 whirling
27 twirling
28 on the
29 light
30 fantastic
31Itoe

d

b

i
c

I

MAY. [1835.

ame de Stahl declared, one day,
was always afraid of the month of MAY;
less Lord Brougham's legislation,-
" boon to the female population,"-
ch keeps them, againstt their kind intent,
reet by act of parliament.

@bb Jfltatters.

THE CHIMNEY SWEEP'S LAMENT.
"An, Sal! vot lots of First of Mays
Is gone, since them 'ere jolly days,
Yen times vos times to brag on;
I can't make out vot hails the nation,
For now there's sich a halteration,
Ve've much ado to vag on.
SVy, ven the big reform bill pass'd,
Ye holp John Russell to the last,
Like birdies of a feather;
And, sure, their Vorships von't deny
Ve daily join'd in common cry,
And sung out Sveep' together.
"But now, unmindful vot they owes,
They makes no odds'twixt friends and foes,
And gags us with their laws;
For since the nobs has got their ends,
They grows asham'd of chummy friends,
-And makes us hold our jaws.
"There's Bob the dustman rings his bell,
And Flounder Bet cries mack-er-el,
And no one hinders she;-
If singing Sveep vakes Bobby's pal,
Vy Bob and Bet disturbs my Sal,
Vot's all as dear to me.
"Vy, bless your eyes, the first May-day
I ever seed you prance away,
So fine that queens might follor,
All deck'd in roses, silks and lace,
I thought it was fair Dafney's face,
And I vos your Apollor.
"And tho' the temperation folks
Would throw cold water on our jokes,
And damp our fun and glee;
On this, our yearly Annival,
I'll be a king, and you, my Sal,
Shall be a queen to me."

WEATHER.

Touching
T$ *lTlD
the weather

I do
somewhat,

as it were,
dubitate ;
6 II n
tho' most

probably, it

will be

in some sort
& D 6 1
seasonable,
PVW
Or perhaps
otherwise,

just
as the case

may happen.

'ii;

~-- -- ~--~~- -rc--- yps
C~-~ L~g --

M A Y.

4;Pr-- CO -

1

~-lfl

1835.]

PROCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES.

At the Philosophical Institution, held at the Pig and Tinder Box,
in Liquorpond Street, a letter was read by Sawney Suck-Egg,
Esq., on the possibility of extending the realms of space, and
adding to the duration of eternity. In the same essay, he also
satisfactorily proved, that two and too do not make four; that
BLACK is very often white; and that a Chancery suit has shewn
to many a man, that what has a beginning does not necessarily
always have an end.
A new mode of raising the wind was also communicated to this
society by Jeremy Diddler, Esq.; a very useful invention for
broken-down gamblers, ruined spendthrifts, insolvent tradesmen,
and 'Change Alley waddlers.
Geological Society of Hog's Norton.-The. fossil remains of an
antediluvian pawnbroker have been dug up, within a mile of this
place. This is not regarded as a very remarkable circumstance, as
many recent instances have been known of the hearts of several
persons of this class being in a petrified state while alive.
A successful method of converting stones into bread has been
transmitted to the New Poor Law Commissioners, and a three-and-
sixpenny medal presented to the ingenious discoverer thereof.
Zoological Society at Hookem Snivey.-A new animal has been
transmitted from No-Man's Land, which has been named the Flat-
Catcher. It bears some resemblance to the human species, as it
walks on two legs, and has the gift of speech. It seems quite in
its element when among pigeons, and preys ravenously on the gulls
that hover about watering-places, getting hold of them by a kind of
Fascination, which throws its unconscious victims entirely off their
guard, when it never fails to make them bleed profusely; after
which, it suffers them to depart.
A laborious investigator has discovered that there are exactly
nine millions, one hundred and sixty-four thousand, five hundred
and thirty-three hairs on a tom-cat's tail, which he defies all the
zoologists in Europe to disprove. He also maintains that a bull

THE COMIC ALMANACK.

sees with its horns, and a rat with its tail, although he admits the
possibility of their doing so without them.
It was stated at the last meeting of this institution, that one of
its members had observed a tremendous water-spout from one of
the plugs in Thames Street; and sensible shocks of an earthquake
had been felt at Puddle-dock.
Society of Antiquaries.-Among the, antiquities presented at the
last meeting, was one of Cleopatra's corns, and the celebrated
Needle with which she darned her hose; also, a gas-pipe, found at
Herculaneum, and the fragment of a steam-carriage, dug out of
the ruins of Palmyra.
Entomological Society in G-nu Street.-A very animated con-
versation took place on the natural history of the flea, involving
many curious conjectures, such as, whether it had ever been known
to have attained the size of the elephant; whether it was of the
same species with the hog-in-armour and the rhinoceros, or was to
be classed among the Jumpers; how high and how often it leaped;
whether it always looked before it leaped; and whether it leaped
highest in Leap Year; the further discussion of all which queries
was deferred till the said Leap Year.
The Horticultural Society of Seven Dials has been presented, by
the Society of Antiquaries, with the identical pumpkin converted
by the fairy into Cinderella's chariot.
Premiums have been awarded by various learned bodies to the
following :-
To Henry Broom, for the application of the crab motion, and the
"do-as-little-as-possible" principle, to the state engine.-To Lord
Durham, in conjunction with the above, for an improved mode of
progression for the said engine, namely, by each pulling the oppo-
site way.-To Signor Paganini, for an improved mode of extracting
gold from catgut scrapings, and of skinning flints.-To Miss
Harriet Martineau, for a new preventive check-string for the regu-
lation of the fare (fair).-To the proprietor of Morison's Pills for
the discovery of the perpetual motion.-To the Society for the Con-
fusion of Useful Knowledge, for their successful endeavdurs in be-
Knight-ing the public intellect.

[1835.

i7 // I /, A
J UN E.

1835.] JUNE. 19

Of all the folks, this month you'll see,
The DAYS are the longest family;
But the gallant Ross, in polar weather,
Met one as long as six Months together.

M Season's @b jlatters. WEATER.
D Signs. matters. WEA R.

1 Quarter RmBnDm F mNIDos transcribeth the fol- Look for
2 day lowing seasonable story from the lucubra- 'Y y K 9 VS
3 rent tions of his defunct friend, Poor Humphrey. summer
4 to weather
5 pay HOW TO KILL FLEAS. I 9 SL
6 afraid about
Safra A notable Projector became notable by
7 to stay one project only, which was a certain spe- k2 6 D l.
8 bolt cific for the killing of Fleas; and it was in this time;
9 away form of a powder, and sold in papers, with
plain directions for use, as followeth :-The Q Y $ f -
0 come flea was to be held, conveniently, between that is
1 too the fore-finger and thumb of the left hand; to say,
Soon and to the end of the trunk or proboscis,
which protrudeth in the flea, somewhat as i VS
13 cash the elephant's doth, a very small quantity somewhat
4 affairs of the powder was to be put from between
5 are the thumb and finger of the right hand. 8 e 6 I
And the inventor undertook, that if any flea warm,
6 out of to whom his powder was so administered
7 tune should prove to have afterwards bitten a
8 shoot purchaser who used it, then that such pur- perhaps
chaser should have another paper of the said hot,
Sthe powder, gratis. And it chanced that the
20 moon first paper thereof was bought, idly as it o T, Y II
21 we were, by an old woman ; and she, without or
meaning to injure the inventor or his re- perchance
22 y f medy, but of her mere harmlessness, did,
3 by innocently as it were, ask him whether, it may be
24 night when she had caught the flea, and after she coolish;
Sr had got it as before described, if she should a 9
rapid crack it upon her nail, it would not be as
6 flight well. Whereupon the ingenious projector and if
7 very was so dumbfounded by the question, that, it raineth
ver not knowing what to answer on the sudden, not
28 quickly he said, with truth, to this effect, that, with- i
29 out of out doubt, her way would do, too. -
30 sight be dry.

c2

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

THE "WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS."

RIGDUM FUNNIDOS lamenteth, that there are, in this our day,
among those who do seek to subvert the venerable usages of our
ancestors, divers vauntings and boastings as to what they do most
affectedly and erroneously term "the growing intelligence of the
age,"-" the march of intellect," and such-like absurd phraseologies.
This irreverent spirit doth manifest itself in unseemly comparisons,
between the times which are past, and those which are present,
which do end in a preferring, to the wisdom of the olden time, their
own newfangled and presumptuous theories. Nay, there be even
those who do maintain, that what the lamented FRANCIS MOORn
did, and other equally wise admirers of the by-gone past do, vene-
rate as the olden time, is, in very sooth, the juvenile time; inasmuch
as time growth older every day, and, as a necessary consequence
thereof, every succeeding generation growth wiser. It profiteth
not to waste words on such manifest absurdity; suffice it therefore
Sto say, that RIGDUM FUNNIDos hath, with much cost and travail,
assemblaged what may be most worthily intituled, a fair sample of
'collective wisdom,' wherein will be found, most conspicuously
shown forth, the worthiness of our ancestors to the designation of
Wise..
"Concerning the superstitious use of what is called the Glorious Hand, or
Hand of Glory, by housebreakers in their robberies, we have the following
account:-The pretended use of this glorious hand is to stupify or stun all
those who are present, and render them perfectly insensible. This glorious
hand is the hand of a hanged criminal, prepared in the following manner :-
It is wrapped up in a bit of winding-sheet, very tight, to force out the small
remainder of blood, then put into an earthen vessel with zimat, saltpetre,
salt, and long pepper, all well pulverised, after which, 'tis left fifteen days in
that pot, then taken out and exposed to the hottest san of dog days, till it
becomes very dry; and if the sun be not hot enough, they dry it in an oven
heated with fern and vervain ; then they make a sort of candle of the grease
of the hanged man, virgin wax, and Lapland sefanum, and they make use of
this glorious hand as a candlestick, to hold this candle when lighted; and in
all places wherever they come with this fatal instrument, everybody they
find there becomes immoveable. We are also told, that it is to no purpose
for thieves to make use of this glorious hand, if the threshold of the door, or
other places by which they may enter, be rubbed over with an unguent,

[1835-

1835.] THE WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS." 21

composed of the gall of a black cat, the fat of a white hen, and the blood of
an owl, and that this composition be made in the dog days."-Tr. of Little
Albert, p. 34.
"John Weer, in his Book de Prestigus, has drawn up an inventory of the
diabolical monarchy, with the names and surnames of seventy-two princes,
and the seven million four hundred and five thousand nine hundred and
twenty-six devils, errors of computation only excepted, adding what qualities
and properties, and to what purposes they may serve when invoked."-
Bodin, p. 404.
Thrasillus, a Heathen author, cited by Stobobus, says, that at the Nilo
was a stone like a bear, which cured those who were afflicted with demons
for as soon as ever it was applied to the noses of demoniacks, the devil im-
mediately left them."--Bodin, p. 301.
"The way to be certainly loved, is, to take the marrow of a wolf's left
oot, and make of it a sort of pomatum, with ambergris and cyprus powder,
carry it about one, and cause the person to smell of it from time to time."-
Albertus, p. 12.
To prevent differences and a divorce betwixt a man and his wife, take
wo quails' hearts, the one of a male, the other of a female, and cause the
nan to carry about him the male, and the woman the female."-Thiers,
tome 1, p. 389.
"Place a Toad's heart on a woman's left breast when she sleeps, to make
her tell her secrets."-Thiers, tome 1, p. 389.

From MARKHAM-'S HORSEMANSHIP."
How to doe with a Jaded Horse.--When that your horse is thoroughly
hired, and hath yet much of his journey to do, alight from him, and cut, from
he nighest hedge, a short wande, which you shall jag in notches with your
nife, and, making a hole in the thinnest of his ear, when he dothe flag
n his pace, then saw the stick to and free in the hole, which will revive
lim soe that,iuntil he be entirely spent, he will not faile to gee.

Another way, with the horse of a friend, or that is hired, and soe that the
opor owner sha:l not know thereof.-When that your beast is much
earned, and hath yet far to travel, get down from his back, and choose from
he road side six smooth round pebbles, of which you shall put three in his
eight ear, and tye up the ear with binde-weed, or long grass, purse-wise;
hen mount him again and put him on his mettle, and with the motion of his
ead the stones in his ear will rattle seemingly to him like thunder, which
ill soe inspirit him that while be hath life in him he will not fail to gee;
and when he doth, after that, slacken of his pace, then tye up three in his
eft ear also.

1835.] THE WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS." 21

composed of the gall of a black cat, the fat of a white hen, and the blood of
an owl, and that this composition be made in the dog days."-Tr. of Little
Albert, p. 34.
"John Weer, in his Book de Prestigus, has drawn up an inventory of the
diabolical monarchy, with the names and surnames of seventy-two princes,
and the seven million four hundred and five thousand nine hundred and
twenty-six devils, errors of computation only excepted, adding what qualities
and properties, and to what purposes they may serve when invoked."-
Bodin, p. 404.
Thrasillus, a Heathen author, cited by Stobobus, says, that at the Nilo
was a stone like a bear, which cured those who were afflicted with demons
for as soon as ever it was applied to the noses of demoniacks, the devil im-
mediately left them."--Bodin, p. 301.
"The way to be certainly loved, is, to take the marrow of a wolf's left
oot, and make of it a sort of pomatum, with ambergris and cyprus powder,
carry it about one, and cause the person to smell of it from time to time."-
Albertus, p. 12.
To prevent differences and a divorce betwixt a man and his wife, take
wo quails' hearts, the one of a male, the other of a female, and cause the
nan to carry about him the male, and the woman the female."-Thiers,
tome 1, p. 389.
"Place a Toad's heart on a woman's left breast when she sleeps, to make
her tell her secrets."-Thiers, tome 1, p. 389.

From MARKHAM-'S HORSEMANSHIP."
How to doe with a Jaded Horse.--When that your horse is thoroughly
hired, and hath yet much of his journey to do, alight from him, and cut, from
he nighest hedge, a short wande, which you shall jag in notches with your
nife, and, making a hole in the thinnest of his ear, when he dothe flag
n his pace, then saw the stick to and free in the hole, which will revive
lim soe that,iuntil he be entirely spent, he will not faile to gee.

Another way, with the horse of a friend, or that is hired, and soe that the
opor owner sha:l not know thereof.-When that your beast is much
earned, and hath yet far to travel, get down from his back, and choose from
he road side six smooth round pebbles, of which you shall put three in his
eight ear, and tye up the ear with binde-weed, or long grass, purse-wise;
hen mount him again and put him on his mettle, and with the motion of his
ead the stones in his ear will rattle seemingly to him like thunder, which
ill soe inspirit him that while be hath life in him he will not fail to gee;
and when he doth, after that, slacken of his pace, then tye up three in his
eft ear also.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

From "ONE THOUSAND NOTABLE THINGS."
To Staunch the Bleeding of a Wound.-Write these four letters, A 0 G L,
with the blood of the wound, about the wound.

A Medicine for the Toothache.-Take a live Mowle, and put him in a
brass pot, and there let him die, then cut him asunder and take out the guts,
and dry the blood with a cloth, then cut him in quarters, and hang him on a
thred drying by the fire's side; when ye would use it, lay the fleshy side of
it, with bladders of saffron, with a cloth to your sore.
Pare the nails of one that hath the Quartan Ague, which, being put into a
linen cloth, and so tied about the neck of a quick eel, and the same eel put
into the water, thereby the ague will be driven away.
It is certainly and constantly affirmed, that on Midsummer eve there is
found under the root of mugwort a coal which preserves and keeps safe from
the plague, carbuncle, lightning, the quartan ague, and from burning, them
that bear the same about them: and Mizaldus, the writer hereof, saith that
he doth hear that it is to be found the same day under the root of plantane;
which I know to be of truth, for I have found them the same day under the
root of plantane. It is to be found at noon.

You shall stay the bleeding of the nose, if you write with the same blood,
in the forehead of the party that bleeds, these words following, Consummatum
est.
If one do buy Warts of them that have them, and give them a pin there-
for, if the party that hath the warts prick the same pin in some garment
that he wears daily and commonly, the wart or warts, without doubt, will
diminish and wear away privily, and be clear gone in a short time.
If you take an oak apple from an oak tree, and in the same you shall find
a little worm, which if it doth fly away, it signifies wars ; if it creeps, it be-
tokens scarcity of corn; if it run about, then it foreshews the plague.
Whosoever eateth two walnuts, two figs, twenty leaves of rue, and one
grain of salt, all stamped and mixed together, fasting, shall be safe from
poison or plague that day; which antidote King Mithridates had used so
much, that when he drank poison purposely to kill himself, it could not hurt
him.
From THE ACCOMPLISHED GENTLEWOMAN'S COMPANION."
To Cure the Toothache.-If a needle is run through a wood-louse, and
immediately touch the aching tooth with that needle, it will cease to ache.
To Cure tle Jaundice.-Take a live Tench, slit it down the belly; -take
out the guts, and clap the Tench to the stomach as fast as possible, and it
will cure immediately.

[1835.

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

From "ONE THOUSAND NOTABLE THINGS."
To Staunch the Bleeding of a Wound.-Write these four letters, A 0 G L,
with the blood of the wound, about the wound.

A Medicine for the Toothache.-Take a live Mowle, and put him in a
brass pot, and there let him die, then cut him asunder and take out the guts,
and dry the blood with a cloth, then cut him in quarters, and hang him on a
thred drying by the fire's side; when ye would use it, lay the fleshy side of
it, with bladders of saffron, with a cloth to your sore.
Pare the nails of one that hath the Quartan Ague, which, being put into a
linen cloth, and so tied about the neck of a quick eel, and the same eel put
into the water, thereby the ague will be driven away.
It is certainly and constantly affirmed, that on Midsummer eve there is
found under the root of mugwort a coal which preserves and keeps safe from
the plague, carbuncle, lightning, the quartan ague, and from burning, them
that bear the same about them: and Mizaldus, the writer hereof, saith that
he doth hear that it is to be found the same day under the root of plantane;
which I know to be of truth, for I have found them the same day under the
root of plantane. It is to be found at noon.

You shall stay the bleeding of the nose, if you write with the same blood,
in the forehead of the party that bleeds, these words following, Consummatum
est.
If one do buy Warts of them that have them, and give them a pin there-
for, if the party that hath the warts prick the same pin in some garment
that he wears daily and commonly, the wart or warts, without doubt, will
diminish and wear away privily, and be clear gone in a short time.
If you take an oak apple from an oak tree, and in the same you shall find
a little worm, which if it doth fly away, it signifies wars ; if it creeps, it be-
tokens scarcity of corn; if it run about, then it foreshews the plague.
Whosoever eateth two walnuts, two figs, twenty leaves of rue, and one
grain of salt, all stamped and mixed together, fasting, shall be safe from
poison or plague that day; which antidote King Mithridates had used so
much, that when he drank poison purposely to kill himself, it could not hurt
him.
From THE ACCOMPLISHED GENTLEWOMAN'S COMPANION."
To Cure the Toothache.-If a needle is run through a wood-louse, and
immediately touch the aching tooth with that needle, it will cease to ache.
To Cure tle Jaundice.-Take a live Tench, slit it down the belly; -take
out the guts, and clap the Tench to the stomach as fast as possible, and it
will cure immediately.

[1835.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

From "NATURA EXENTERATA, OR NATURE UNBOWELLED."
For the Falling Sicknesse.-Take the jaw bone of a man or a woman, and
beat it into fine powder, and if a woman have the falling sicknesse, then use
the jaw bone of the man; and if it be a man, then use the jaw bone of the
'woman; so much of the powder as will cover a sixpence, put it into wine or
any other liquid thing which you shall like of, and drink it; you may use it
as often as you will, but especially at spring and fall.
For the Stone.-Take the blood of a Fox, and make it into powder, and
drink it in wine, and without doubt it shall destroy the stone ; and if you
will not believe, take a stone and put it into the blood of a fox, and it will
break.
For the Falling Evil.-Take the skull of a dead man, whereon moss
growth, being taken and washed very clean, and dryed in an oven, and then
beaten to powder; the skull must be of one that hath been slaine, or died
suddenly, or of one that was hanged.
To take a Corn out of the Toe.-Take a black snail, roast it in a white
cloth, and when it is roasted, lay it hot to the corn, and it will take it away.
Before death this is a sign, if the tears run down of a man's right eye, and
a voman's left eye.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

T HE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF WISEACRES,
having for nearly two centuries, by, the aid of Francis Moore,
Richard Partridge, Poor Bobin, and Co., done great service to the
community, particularly to the agricultural portion thereof (by
their seasonable directions for getting in the harvest, &c.), and
occasioned great delight and satisfaction to all the old women of
the empire; and having, moreover, employed the most diligent
endeavours to cause good sense and universal intelligence to
remain, as the said Company's craft and mystery do clearly indi-
cate they should remain-Stationary :-for all these reasons, the
said Worshipful Company do take great credit to themselves for
the improvements in their business and calling, which other folks
have originated; and confidently expect the public will, as in times
past, always deal at their shop, and give them full credit for all the
wonderful wonders which they promise henceforth to perform.
(By order of the Court)
GEORGE GREENHORN, Secretary.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

From "NATURA EXENTERATA, OR NATURE UNBOWELLED."
For the Falling Sicknesse.-Take the jaw bone of a man or a woman, and
beat it into fine powder, and if a woman have the falling sicknesse, then use
the jaw bone of the man; and if it be a man, then use the jaw bone of the
'woman; so much of the powder as will cover a sixpence, put it into wine or
any other liquid thing which you shall like of, and drink it; you may use it
as often as you will, but especially at spring and fall.
For the Stone.-Take the blood of a Fox, and make it into powder, and
drink it in wine, and without doubt it shall destroy the stone ; and if you
will not believe, take a stone and put it into the blood of a fox, and it will
break.
For the Falling Evil.-Take the skull of a dead man, whereon moss
growth, being taken and washed very clean, and dryed in an oven, and then
beaten to powder; the skull must be of one that hath been slaine, or died
suddenly, or of one that was hanged.
To take a Corn out of the Toe.-Take a black snail, roast it in a white
cloth, and when it is roasted, lay it hot to the corn, and it will take it away.
Before death this is a sign, if the tears run down of a man's right eye, and
a voman's left eye.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

T HE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF WISEACRES,
having for nearly two centuries, by, the aid of Francis Moore,
Richard Partridge, Poor Bobin, and Co., done great service to the
community, particularly to the agricultural portion thereof (by
their seasonable directions for getting in the harvest, &c.), and
occasioned great delight and satisfaction to all the old women of
the empire; and having, moreover, employed the most diligent
endeavours to cause good sense and universal intelligence to
remain, as the said Company's craft and mystery do clearly indi-
cate they should remain-Stationary :-for all these reasons, the
said Worshipful Company do take great credit to themselves for
the improvements in their business and calling, which other folks
have originated; and confidently expect the public will, as in times
past, always deal at their shop, and give them full credit for all the
wonderful wonders which they promise henceforth to perform.
(By order of the Court)
GEORGE GREENHORN, Secretary.

24 JULY. [1835.:

In this month, follow my advice,
Never to slide upon the ice;
But if you should be tired of waiting,
Why, next month, you may go a-skating.

Season's
Signs.
What
shall
I do
to get
through
my task
let me
ask
I try
again
but
in vain
ah!
you
say
try
away
it's all
my
eye
and
Betty
Martin
that's
for
sartin
why
i'ts
done!
what
fun!

BB JF Mattcrs.

____________________________________________ -- I -

VAUXHALL.
"Dear Jane, will you go to VanuxALL ?
We want just to make up a dozen;
Papa will stand treat for us all,
And, be sure, give a hint to your cousin.
There's something so charming about him,
(I've got a new bonnet and shawl) -
I should be quite unhappy without him,
And careless of even VAUnmX LL.
My confession you'll never betray,
For I'm sure you can manage it all;
When you ask him, don't tell what I say,
But speak of the charms of VAUxHALL.
You can talk of the songs and the singers,
The orchestra, ballet, and ball;
I shall think that time spitefully lingers
Till when we all meet at VAUXHALL.
Say, there's Simpson the brave, who commanded
Our troops in the year forty-five;
Who killed Count de Grasse single-handed,
And took the French army alive.
And remember the lamps,-how they're clustered,
By thousands and thousands of dozens ;
And then the dark walks-how I'm fluster'd
To think of your dearest of cousins!
You can talk of the fireworks so gay,
And just mention the ham and the chicken-
We'll contrive to get out of the way,
While papa makes an end of his picking.
I should grieve to think drinking could charm him-
But ere all my project should fall,
If nothing in nature can warm him,
Then speak of the punch at VAUXanALL.
If all that you say don't avail,
I must die with vexation and anguish;
But I'm sure that your friendship wont fail
Your affectionate
LYnDI LANGUISH."

, WEATHER.

Take note
D AX
that, I do

predict
thatyou may
D D X '
reasonably
look for the

weather
T2 2L ( )
being much
warmer

than
in January;

nor do I
think
there is great
A:X
likelihood

of frost or
snoW.

1

J U L Y.

AUGUST.

v;-~;~e1Se~x~-
-C

-=~_~-~Fr^ C- _~_=_~_=L--

~I I~s :5' nr Ivc

1835.] AUGUST. 25

In AuausT,-so the Planets say,-
Every Dog shall have his Day;
So at Houndsditch they meet, with much frisking and larking;
And proceed to the choice of a Member for Barking.

M Season's Jlatters.
D Signs.

scamper
away
the
deuce
to pay
a mad
dog is
over
the
way
he's
bit
a cow
he's
bit
a sow
he's
bit
my
poor
old
mongrel
Toby
and
they're
raving.
mad
with
the
hydro-
phoby

lIGDU FUNnIDos confesseth to having
purloined the following veritable story; but
when or where, his memory deposeth not:-

OYSTER DAY.
Paddy was sent to Billingsgate, on the
FmsT of AUGOST, to buy a bushel of Oysters.
When he returned, "What made you so
long, Pat ?" said his master. Long, is it ?
By my sow], I think I've been pretty quick,
considering all things." Considering what
things ?" Why, considering the gutting of
the fish."-" Gutting what fish ?"-" What
fish why the oysters, to be sure."-" What
is it that you mean ?"-" What do I mane !
why I mane, as I was resting meeself a bit,
and taking a drop to comfort me, a jontle.
man axed me what I had got in the sack.
' Oysthers, sir,' says I. Let's look at them,'
says he, and he opened the bag. Och!
thunder and praties!' said he, 'who should
them to ye?' It was Mick Carney,' said I.
' Mick Carney !' said he; the thief o' the
world! what a big blackguard must he have
been to give them to ye without gutting.'
'And aren't they gutted?' said I. 'Divil a
one o' them,' said he. Musha, then,' said
I, 'what will I do?' 'Do!' said he, 'I'd
sooner do them for you myself than have
you abused!' and so he takes 'em in doors,
and guts 'em all nate and clane, as you'll
see." And out Paddy turned the empty
shells on the floor.

WEATHER. I

If the
weather

hath been
lasting,
.D Xd 68
look for a
change;

2 6 1n1
I say
look for it,

S S80Qt
though
perhaps a
change will
come not;

in which
case,

you will
do well
to wait

till it doth.
till it doth.

i

26 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1835.

THE GARDENER'S CALENDAR.

As I sat at my window a few evenings ago, a loud rattling in the
street drew my attention, and at the same instant an omnibus
stopped at my nextdoor neighbour's, the poulterer. First alighted
a servant-maid and lad-then two or three half-grown boys and
girls, intermingled with a torrent of chattels, consisting of shrubs,
Rowers, enough live animals to stock a menagerie, packages past
counting, and lastly, Mrs. Giblet in full feather, arrayed in lily-
white, and bearing in each hand a full-blown balsam. All was
safely landed, when a hackney coach drove up at a quiet pace, and
from it descended, with the help of his shopmen and a pair of
crutches, my neighbour, Simon Giblet himself. His legs were
swathed up, his back, for which broadcloth was formerly too nar-
row, seemed considerably shrunk, and he looked care-worn and in
pain. After him was borne his second son Dick, apparently dis-
abled too. I had scarcely seen my neighbour or any of his family
for some months past, but as I had often gossipped in his shop, I
determined to go down and inquire what had befallen him. He
had just arrived at his great wooden chair. His eyes were gleaming,
with complacency on a goodly row of fatted fowls, all placed with
their delicate, dainty, floury broad behinds before, and as he plumped
into the seat he ejaculated, with a grunt, Thank heaven!" A shop-
man sat in a corner plucking a snow-white pullet. Giblet looked at
him wistfully, and then, Bring it here, Sam," he cried. He took
it, plucked a few handfuls of feathers,- and as he returned it to
Sam, Thank heaven!" he grunted again. My foot kicked against
something at the threshold. I stooped and picked up a clasped
book, which I presented to him, as I tendered my sympathy. "Oh!"
said he, "nothing but disasters. I've made ducks and drakes of
my money, and a goose of myself; upon my sole, it's a blessing that
I got away before Michaelmas. I'm in too much pain to tell you
now. Ah! I see you've picked up my journal. Work or pleasure,
I've always made up a day-book every night. I'll lend it you if you
wish to see how I've been pigeoned. While I stuck to the fowls all
went fair with me, but when I took to that river-bank I was like a
duck out of water." I saw my neighbour was excited, so, after a
few consoling words, I retreated, carrying off his calendar;. apd
here are some extracts, by permission, for the benefit of all amateur
ruralists.

THE GARDENER'S CALENDAR.

DIARY.
ftarchl 21, 1834.-Mrs. G. bent on a rural retirement, and de-
claring this a dog-cheap bargain,-meet Mr. Grabbit to-morrow,
pay premium, and take lease of his snug place at Strand-on-the-
Green.-Wife insists on calling it Cherub Lodge, Paradise Bank.-
N.B. Original sum, 600; Grabbit seeming to like us, abates a
hundred entirely as a favour.
27th.-All safe arrived: only one pier-glass split into four, and
best tea-set, bought as 32 pieces, converted into 32 dozen. How-
ever, Mrs. G. observes, that being by the river side, we must have
a marine grotto, and the pieces of looking-glass, mixed with the
bits of blue and gold china, will make a fine glitter among the moss
and shells.
28th.-Grabbit recommends Isaac Snail as head gardener, and
his son Isaac to help him-says old Isaac was his right hand, and
begged to be left in the house, he was so attached to the garden.
31st.-Two days' rain, without ceasing; planning with Isaac on
the large kitchen table covered an inch thick with mould-laid down
gravel walks of red garter, and stuck up skewers for fruit trees.
April 1.-Rain falling, river rising, cellars filling.
2nd.-Ducks swimming into the parlour-moved to the first floor
for safety-Musical Tom (my youngest) splashing about bare-legged
in the kitchen, and shouting four feet water in the hold." A leak
sprung in the next onion field-all my land under water. Dick,
perched on window-sill, 'angling for roach in the garden. Isaac
says we shall get used to it, and the waters always go off again.
Daughter Julia tells me the people of Egypt would think it quite a
blessing-beg to differ.
7th.-Can just see land.-House left rather slimy.-Isaac and I
commence gardening in earnest.-Distrained on for forty odd
pounds, taxes left unpaid by Mr. Grabbit.-To keep my goods,
parted with the money, and started to town for an explanation-
found Grabbit sailed last week for Swan River. Isaac says he was
a worthy gentleman, but had a bad memory-begin to be of the
same opinion.
9th.-Buried an old hen at the foot of a plum-tree by the light
of the full moon-am told it will then bear egg-plums.
19th.-Potato eyes always an eye-sore, so have planted a bed
with every eye nicely cut away, by which I hope to grow a crop as
smooth as my hand and as blind as moles.-Look for the Horti-
cultural Society's gold medal for this bright idea.

THE COMIC ALMANACK.

27th.-Wondered my ranunculuses did not come up; just tried
one, found I had planted them all bottom topmost, and they were
shooting away down to what Dick says is the centre of gravity.
May 3.-Grubbing for grubs among the rose-trees-cucumbers
in full flower-Mrs. Giblet and Julia come to help me-all busy
setting the blossoms-puzzled to tell the male flowers, till Mrs. G.
discovered it all by the book.
12th.-Tulips splendid yesterday, but flagged this morning; and
after dinner all napping with their heads on the bed-Isaac said it
was the east wind. Thought there might be a grub at the roots, so
drew one up-found no bulb-all the rest the same-somebody had
taken away the roots and stuck the flowers into the ground again.
13th.-Finished my new hot-water pipes for the conservatory,
all heated by the kitchen fire-a scheme of my own-Cook had a
regular flare-up with so much company yesterday, so the water was
boiling hot all day-by night the plants looked like scalded goose-
berries. This morning, all my pipes united in a joint-run on the
cistern, which answered their draughts to the last, and the spare
water from the green-house floor was soaking into the breakfast
parlour. The inventor just arrived-says it's all quite regular-the
cracked joints will close of themselves in time-I wonder when.
23rd.-Wrote to the editor of The Gardener's Journal an account
of my plan for growing potatoes without eyes, and the experiments
for making an egg-plum tree.
June 2.-Vines cut last month, all bled tp death.-Surprised that
my new potatoes without eyes have not seen daylight yet.-My
letter to the magazine in print.-Encouraging notice by editor,
Thanks S. G. for communicating his ingenious discoveries; hopes
to hear from him again, with samples of the new potato' and egg-
plum." Think I shall disclose myself, and name the new sort, the
Cherub Giblet potato. Most of the neighbours spoke to me com-
ing out of church yesterday, but little thought who S. G. was.
12th.-Suppose I want exercise.-Wife blows me up, and says I
get puffy; so, to keep all smooth with her and the garden walks,
drag the great roller about for two hours, morning and night.
19th.-Insects in green-house devouring all my new plants;
searched book for a remedy, and last night popped in a pan of
burning brimstone. This morning all the grubs shrivelled to shreds,
and every plant dead and stripped as naked as a plucked chicken.
Tom begs to have the green-house to keep his pigeons in.
23rd.-Fill up odd time in watching fruit trees with a rattle, for
the birds perch on the sham cats and build nests in the mawkins.

D[835-

1835.] THE GARDENER'S CALENDAR. 29

What with opening and shutting the cucumber-frames, according
to the sun, wind, and clouds, plenty to do.-Charged the garden-
engine with lime water-set Dick and Tom to play upon the cater-
pillars. They have so whitewashed the three Miss Blackets, that
I have two velvet bonnets, a silk pelisse, and a cashmere shawl to
pay for.
July 3,-Tool-house robbed last night; all cleared out but the
garden roller. Isaac's list for a new outfit-spades, forks, dibbers,
trowels, traces, hoes, rakes, weeders, scrapers, knives, pruners, axes,
saws, shears, scythes, hammers, pincers, lines, levels, sieves, water-
ing-pots, syringes,-he would have gone on, but I stopped him.
9th.-Set nooses for wild rabbits, which are devouring every-
thing green, even the bays. This morning found we had strangled
Dick's lop-eared doe. Tom, who is learning to joke, observed that
she had wandered for a change of food, and had found a halter-ation.
18th.-The Cherub Giblet potatoes not coming up to time, tried
the ground and found them rotting-all gone off without a single
shoot.-Mem. To forget them in my next to The Gardener's Journal.
21ath.-Half my time taken up in driving the butterflies off the
gooseberry trees. Left my weeding-gloves stuck on a stick last night
-put them on this morning, and smashed five slugs in one, and
seven earwigs in the other.-Mem. Old gloves the best slug-trap.
August 5.-My cucumber frames yield plenty of fruit-have
gathered not less than twenty, worth twopence each-cost me only
five pounds six shillings and sevenpence.
9th.-Strolled into shrubbery this evening with a lanthorn, for
the pleasure of viewing things in a new light-up started two figures
from among the bushes, tumbled me, lanthorn, and all, into a bed
of roses, and escaped. Mem. 'Stablish a spring gun to-morrow..
15th.-Wall-fruit ripening-must have a few friends while there
is something for them-fresh-gathered peaches always a treat.
19th.-Up at six to look after the fruit-all hope of a dessert
had deserted my walls-every ripe plum, peach and nectarine, clean
gone, as though the rogues knew that I had asked ten to dinner.
Said nothing, but sent off Isaac to Covent Garden. Obliged to do
it liberally, having unfortunately been boasting. Looked in book
for best man-trap-found it called the humane, because it only
breaks the leg. Mem. Set up a man-trap to-morrow.
25th.-My egg-plums ripe at last-sent off a loaded branch to
my correspondent the editor-Letter of thanks in return, saying
that my tree would have produced egg-plums whether I had buried
the old hen or not.-Envious, no doubt.

30 THE COMIC ALMANAC. [183.5

September 2.-Terrible outcry in the'garden, this morning, before
I was up-ran down in my shirt-unlucky Dick had stolen a march
on the egg-plum tree for a private regale. Branch broke-there he
was on his back, kicking-hives upset-could not see Dick for bees
-got help and rescued him at last-all stung a little-Dick poul-
ticed from head to foot, and laid up for a month at least. Isaac
says it is a thousand pities, as the honey was almost ready for
taking.
18th.-Went to the Bank to-day-lot of garden tools at old iron-
shop in the City Road-very cheap and ready marked S. G., so
bought and despatched them home-looked up, and saw "Jacob
Snail" over door-thought it rather suspicious.
1 9th.-Could not sleep for thinking of Isaac and the tools-bright
moonlight at two-looked through the window-something moving
on the garden wall-saw two men among the bees-seized my
musket-called Harry to follow me- -crept down through the shrubs,
and there was old Isaac, plain enough, tying the hives in sacks and
handing them to young Isaac on the wall-made sure of the old
fox, so fired at the young one; down he fell into the ditch outside.
Sprung forward, forgetting the spring gun, caught the wire and all
the shot in my legs-never made such a jump in my life-took me
plump, head and shoulders, into the man-trap. There I was locked
fast across the chest. How I blessed myself that it was a humane
man-trap !-Old Isaac escaped.-Here I am in bed and likely to be
lame for life-plenty of time for reflection-begin to think myself
an ass.
23rd.-Old Isaac not to be found-tracked the young fox-
brought him to confession-both been plundering me every night
from the beginning. Old Isaac stole my tools, and his brother sold
them to me again. Young Isaac stole my tulips-together they
stole my peaches and nectarines the night before my party, and the
old knave, when I sent him to town for more, fetched my own from
his cottage, and charged me with them.
25th.-A notice to-day, by which I learn that I have been im-
posed on by a swindling knave who had no right to sell me the place
or take a premium-that the owner is coming from the continent
and wants instant possession-nlever so thankful in my life-better
already-pack up-send for van-hire omnibus for wife, children,
and light luggage-go gently myself with poor Dick in a coach.
26th.-Here comes the omnibus. Huzza!

!TiIIP

SEPTEMBER.

1835.] SEPTEMBER. 31

Boiling, boiling, stewed in steamers,
Aldgate flares in Margate manners;
Fleet Ditch-Shoreditch-both are streamers;
London flags, deserted banners.

M Season's 011 Jifattts. WEATHER.
fD Signs..

1 Ods! THE COCKNEY'S ANNUAL. If it be
2 flints There's one thing very wonderful,-indeed, it quite not
3 and astonishes, b 1 l *
4 triggers And of the March of Intellect it forcibly admo- 0
5 double nishes,
6 barrel- It shows how wise the people are in every situation seasonable
7 led And the' they love reform, how much they hate all weather
8 gun innovation. n r d
8 guns
9 and It proves, that tho' unsparingly they root out old
abuses, at
10 per They have a pious care for things of venerable this time,
11 cussion uses; 8 T1 n 6
12 locks And the' some folks don't scruple much to talk of then
13 powder revolution; it e
14 horns And many would not hesitate to change the oonsti- wil it be
15 and tuition; otherwise;
d Yet this one thing's so cherish'd with a laudable 8
16 shot affection,--
17 pocket This idol of our ancestors, this mirror for reflec- which will
18 pistols tion,- be worthy
19 charged That in the very centre of fair London's gorgeous r 6
20 with city,
Sw It reigns, as in the days of old, to glad the wise and of a
21 brandy witty; diligent
22 thick Exhibiting the anxious care the Civical Nobility
23 soled Feel for the moral purity of London's chaste E 8 s
24 shoes mobility: searching
25 and A long harangue I'd make of it, but flinch from into
26 flab- your ferocity,
27 ber- Already rous'd up to the highest pitch of curiosity,
:28 de- I'll tell you then what 'tis at once, and nothing the causes
29 gas more shall follow new,- 6 Y E T2
S It is that rural festival-the FAIn or Sr. BAnTHo-
0 kins LOMEW. thereof.

32 OCTOBER. [1835.

Old Gripes, the brewer, reads with iron phiz
The Times, nor cares if hops be fell" or riz;"
Nor does the malt-tax cause him hope or fear,
For malt has no connexion with his beer.

Season's
Signs.
Now's
the
time
by
Jingo
for
brewing
rare
good
stingo
and
where
is he
who'd
dare to
scorn
the
famous
Sir John
Barley-
corn
let -
others
boast of
foreign
wine
a cup
of home
brew'd
beer
be mine.

ebb _latters.

WYEALTHER.

We look
THE RETURN TO TOWN. now for
At length, compell'd by emptying purse b8 & p
To fly from fleas, and something worse-
The oft-sung strain, Do let us stay cool weather
Another week," is thrown away: nm
You talk of rain, and chilly weather,
That cash and days grow short together, 9 '4 E
That winds, and clouds, and fogs are come, which is a
All hints to haste from Hastings home;
So nought remains but just to get, reasonable
Before you travel, out of debt; expectation
Glut all the household birds of prey,
Pack your remains, and run away. V St
At raffles oft you've tried your fate, yet hath it
And let your gains accumulate,
And now you wind up all the fun sometimes
With ten pounds staked, a sovereign won, chanced'
For which you bear away to town otherwise,
Gilt paper treasures worth a crown.
No doubt you've tried, like all the rest, ~ I T 1L D
A little smuggling for a zest; and so I do
Sufficient proof, you've fill'd your jars an o
With Cognac made at Smithfield Bars; leave you.
Your wife has bargain'd for French flowers, to decide
All grown in Hatton Garden's bowers; upon the
On foreign silks displayed her skill, upon the
While Spitalfields supplied her still, probability
And last comes on the dismal day either way
When daughters slowly slink away,
And leave you, warned by gloomy brows, 9 ?1.
With money bills, brought up by spouse, being not
Debating clauses, which, alas! n
You neither can throw out nor pass. unmindful
And when you've managed all to pay, as to what
You skulk to town the cheapest way; the Great
Put sixpence in the coachman's hand,
Haggle with Jarvey on the stand, Comet hath
And curs'd and bullied, off you sneak, to do in the
To pinch at home for many a week. matter.

I ETHR

OCTOBER.

III

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

BRUTISH HUMBUG COLLEGE OF HEALTH.-The
wonderful efficacy of the MoRISIN Puns becomes every day
more perspicuous. The discerning Public swallows 'em 'likp wink-
ing;' and we defies all opposition, and the Weakly attempts of our
enemies to Dispatch us. We tells those as calls us quacks, that,
under the blessing of Divine Providence, we glories in our igno-
rance; and takes every opportunity of exposing it, for the benefit
of our suffering fellow-creatures. And we have found them a
sovereign remedy for ourselves; having, for a long while, been
afflicted with an emptiness of the chest, and a great deficiency of
the yellow-stuff, all which terrible symptoms have speedily dis-
appeared; so we feels in duty bound to propagate bur pills to the
remotest prosperity.
The following are selected out of several millions of cases,
furnished by a single agent, in a most sensible letter, to prove
the never-to-be-enough-wondered-at wonderful efficacy of the
Hy-gee-wo-ian Medicines.

MOST RESPECTED Slm,
BEING clearly convinced, from a proper use of my reasoning
faculties, that it is perfectly consistent with probability and good sense to
believe that one medicine, made of I don't know what, by I don't know
who, is certain to cure every disorder, and is equally efficacious in all ages
and constitutions, from the infant of a week old, to the old man of eighty;
and being, moreover, equally well convinced that it is quite unreasonable to
place any sort of trust or dependence on the prescriptions of men of scientific
education, who have merely devoted their whole lives to the medical pro-
fession;-and, further, being struck with the astounding fact, and exceeding
-likelihood, that an universal panacea could only be reserved for those who
are quite innocent of all medical knowledge, and whose perfect disinterested-
ness is manifested by their being contented with the trifling remuneration
derived from the credulity of the British public;-I say, Sir, for all these
reasons I have become a zealous advocate of the Hy-gee-wo-ian medicines.
Having been appointed your agent, and, therefore, influenced, like your-
self, by the most disinterested motives, I make it a point to recommend them
on all occasions, and always in sufficiently large doses, on which I observe
you lay peculiar stress; and very justly : for does it not follow, as a matter
of course, that if six pills do a certain quantity of good, six thousand must,
as a natural consequence, do six thousand times as much more good, and the
patient must be six thousand times the better for them ? There are some

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

BRUTISH HUMBUG COLLEGE OF HEALTH.-The
wonderful efficacy of the MoRISIN Puns becomes every day
more perspicuous. The discerning Public swallows 'em 'likp wink-
ing;' and we defies all opposition, and the Weakly attempts of our
enemies to Dispatch us. We tells those as calls us quacks, that,
under the blessing of Divine Providence, we glories in our igno-
rance; and takes every opportunity of exposing it, for the benefit
of our suffering fellow-creatures. And we have found them a
sovereign remedy for ourselves; having, for a long while, been
afflicted with an emptiness of the chest, and a great deficiency of
the yellow-stuff, all which terrible symptoms have speedily dis-
appeared; so we feels in duty bound to propagate bur pills to the
remotest prosperity.
The following are selected out of several millions of cases,
furnished by a single agent, in a most sensible letter, to prove
the never-to-be-enough-wondered-at wonderful efficacy of the
Hy-gee-wo-ian Medicines.

MOST RESPECTED Slm,
BEING clearly convinced, from a proper use of my reasoning
faculties, that it is perfectly consistent with probability and good sense to
believe that one medicine, made of I don't know what, by I don't know
who, is certain to cure every disorder, and is equally efficacious in all ages
and constitutions, from the infant of a week old, to the old man of eighty;
and being, moreover, equally well convinced that it is quite unreasonable to
place any sort of trust or dependence on the prescriptions of men of scientific
education, who have merely devoted their whole lives to the medical pro-
fession;-and, further, being struck with the astounding fact, and exceeding
-likelihood, that an universal panacea could only be reserved for those who
are quite innocent of all medical knowledge, and whose perfect disinterested-
ness is manifested by their being contented with the trifling remuneration
derived from the credulity of the British public;-I say, Sir, for all these
reasons I have become a zealous advocate of the Hy-gee-wo-ian medicines.
Having been appointed your agent, and, therefore, influenced, like your-
self, by the most disinterested motives, I make it a point to recommend them
on all occasions, and always in sufficiently large doses, on which I observe
you lay peculiar stress; and very justly : for does it not follow, as a matter
of course, that if six pills do a certain quantity of good, six thousand must,
as a natural consequence, do six thousand times as much more good, and the
patient must be six thousand times the better for them ? There are some

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

censorious folks who insinuate that the more pills I sell the more money I
get by them; but I need not assure you that, in this respect, my motives
are quite as disinterested as your own.
Yours ever to command,
FRANCIS FLEECE'EM.

P.S.-Please to send me a dozen wagon loads of No. 1 Pills, and the same
of No. 2 Pills, as early as possible. I hand you the following cases, which
have come under my own knowledge:-

To the Haygent for the Morising Pils.
ONERR'D Sun,
THIs hear kums 2 akwaint you that havein lost my happytight i
tuk to taken your Morising Pils witch i only begun with taken 5 hundred
hat a time witch had the blessed defect of turning me inside out and I felt in
a wery pekooliar citywation witch discurraged me 2 parsewere and i tuk 1
thousen hat a doze by witch I was turned outside in by witch my happy-
tight was kwite discuwered witch was a grate blessin for my wife who is
bigg in the famylyar way with 12 small childern with grate happytights all
threw your pils and I ham now Abel to wurk and yarn my 12 shillin a weak
So no more hat present from your
umbel Serv't to command
GREGORY GUDGEON.
No. 9,
Nobody-knows-where Street,
Jericho,
Feb. the 32nd, 1836.

Sm,
A MOST respectable friend of mine, at the suggestion of a worthy
magistrate of Surrey, felt himself constrained to take steps for his improve-
ment at that celebrated place of fashionable resort, Brixton Tread Mill.
For a considerable period he was greatly delighted with this elegant
mode of recreation; and was much struck with the ingenuity of an invention
by which a person might walk fifty or sixty miles a day, without the incon-
venience of changing the scene. But, somehow or other, being a man of
very ardent temperament, he entered so much into the spirit of the amuse-
ment that-but I scarcely know how to describe it, lest I should be sus-
pected of exaggeration, a fault I hold in the greatest abhorrence-in short,
we have all of us heard of pedestrians, after a hard day's travel, complain of
having nearly walked their feet off; but my unfortunate friend literally did
so; and so intent was he on his salubrious pastime that he kept walking on
upon his bare stumps; nor would it have been discovered, had not his feet,
on finding that they had no longer the power of motion, determined that'
nothing else should have that power; and spitefully stopped the mill, by
getting entangled in the machinery.
The kind-hearted governor, who witnessed the occurrence, told my hiend
not to mind such a trifle, but to morris on. This happy expression brought
to his mind your justly famous Morrissing Pills; and being naturally de-
srious of recovering his footing, a messenger was morrissed off for a supply.

[1835.

1835.] BRUTISH HUMBUG COLLEGE OF HEALTH. 35

At the first dose, he only swallowed a dozen boxes, which had no very visible
effect; a thing not to be wondered at; because, as you justly observe in your
advertisements, it is impossible to take too many. The following night,
however, he trebled the quantity; and, next morning, being awakened by
what seemed the shooting of his corns, he put his hand down, and found a
pair of fulf-grown handsome feet, more than twice as big as his old ones.
Should observe, there was one trifling deviation,-the heels were foremost ;
and, on getting out of bed, and attempting to walk towards the mill, he
found an invariable tendency to proceed in an opposite direction. On the
circumstance being observed by the governor, he very kindly told him not to
afflict himself on that head, as he found all his pupils at first had a similar
propensity; but, by a strict attention to a bread-and-water regimen, and a
small quantity of blood being drawn from the back by one of his amiable
assistants, they soon so far recovered, that the mere presence of himself, or
one of his assistants, was quite sufficient to prevent a relapse. My friend
suggested that a dose, or even the promise of a dose, of the Morrissing Pills
would be much more certain to prove efficacious; and the governor very
politely promised to give them a trial, as he confessed, he said, that the ope-
ration of bleeding was particularly painful to his tender feelings.
As to the inconvenience of the matter in the ordinary business of life, my
respected friend seems to think that it can make but little difference, as he
has always gone backward all his life-time; indeed, it is a question with
him whether it is not an advantage; as, instead of mixing in mobs and
frays, as he was very much in the habit of doing, his feet will now carry him
in a clean contrary direction, quite out of harm's way.
I remain, respected Sir,
Your gullible Servant,
No.1, GILES GOSLING.
Find-it-out-if-you-can Lane,
No-where Street.

SI,
I BEG to inform you that a poor man was -blown to atoms by the
explosion of the Powder Mills on Hounslow Heath. His affectionate wife,
who happened to be passing at the time, carefully picked up the fragments,
and placed them together; and, by administering a dose of the Universal
Medicine, he was able to walk home, and eat a hearty dinner of bacon and
cabbage.
SIf any person should doubt the truth of the above statement, I beg you
will refer them to me, when I' will fully satisfy all inquiries. I am easily
found out,-as everybody knows me.
Your obedient Servant,
No. 1, Blarneygig Place, GILES GAMMON.
Salisbury Plain,
next door to Stonehenge.
P..--I forgot to add, that the poor woman, in the hurry of the moment,
made a small mistake, by placing the head of a donkey, which had been
blown off by the explosion, upon her husband's shoulders, instead of his own ;
But she says it is of very little consequence, as very few of his acquaintance
Could perceive any difference.

36 NOVEMBER. [1835.

Now razors and ropes are in great requisition;
So I humbly propose that the House' we petition
(To prevent this sad use of the halter and knife),
That each felo de se be transported for life.

M Season's abb flattrrs. WEATHER.
D Signs.

1 fogs GUNPOWDER PLOT. By the past

2 bogs
3 and
4 vapours
5 blue
6 devilry
7 capers
8 good
9 bye
10 hope
11 welcome
12 rope
13 dangling
14 strangling
15 frowning
16 drowning
17 oh!
18 Johnny
19 Bull
20 what a
21 silly
22 old
23 fool!
24 wait
25 to the
26 end
27 and
28 all
29 will
30 mend

'Tis good to remember
The FIFTH of NOVEMBER,
Gunpowder, treason, and plot;
There's abundance of reason
To think of the treason,
Then why should it e'er be forgot ?
Our sympathies thrive
By keeping alive
Such sweet little hatreds as these;
And folks love each other
As dear as a brother,
Whose throat they are ready to squeeze.
I delight in the joys
Of the vagabond boys,
When they're burning Guy Vaux and the
Pope;
It the flame keeps alive,
It makes bigotry thrive,
And gives it abundance of scope. -
'Tis a beautiful truth
For the minds of our youth,
And will make 'em all Christians indeed;
For the Church and the State
Thus to teach 'em to hate
All those of a different creed.
It is two hundred years
Since our ancestors' fears
Were arous'd by this blood-thirsty fox;
But often, since then,
Our parliament men
Have been awfully blown up by Vazw.
Now, they cannot deny
They're afraid of their Guy;
And some of them earnestly hope,
He may fancy a swing
At the end of a string;
And they promise him plenty of rope.

we do
predict of
the future,
by which
I do
discern the
likelihood

of the
weather
being

in some
sort the

same as
usual,

unless the
Comet do
make an
alteration
therein as I;
have hereto-
fore noted.

NOV EM BE R.

~-:-- -:---------,-~,-~~a~iil~Lailrr,_s_~ ----

DEC EMBER.

1835] DECEMBER. 37

At length, I've come to the end of my tether;
I've told you all about the weather,
And a great deal more, take it altogether,
So now my twelvemonth's work is done,
I'm your obedient,-RIGDnu FUN.

Season's
Signs.
head
back
belly
knees
teeth
toes
nose
aching
quaking
chattering
clattering
freezing
sneezing
O rare
Christmas
fare
a fig
for care
kiss
below
the
miseltoe
laugh
quaff
never
fear
with
merry
glee
conclude
the year

btba jtat1

tirs.

BOXING DAY.
Of all the joys the seasons bring,
(And most, alas have flown away,)
I dearly do delight to sing
The pleasures of a BoxING DAY.
For then a host of smiling folks
Are anxious their respects to pay,
And tell me (would it were a hoax !)
That, if I please,' it's BOXING DAY.
Those doleful Waits, who've lain in wait,
To scare my balmy sleep away,
Like bravoes, who've despatch'd their job,
Now claim reward on BOXING DAY.
The Milkmaid, who deals out sky-blue,
(Her tally's double-scor'd, they say,)
With smiling face, of rosy hue,
A curtsey drops on BOXING DAY.
The Baker's man, who brings me bread
As heavy as a lump of clay,
And bricks as hard as any stone,
I can't refuse on BOXING DAY.
As I was walking in the street,
I met the Butcher with his tray;
He thrust the corner in my eye,
I'll think of him on BOXING DAY.
The Scavenger, who plaster'd me,
When dress'd in wedding-suit so gay,
Now hopes I von't forget, d'ye see,
As how that this here's BOXING DAY.'
My house on fire-no turncock found ;
'My house burnt down-he came.to say,
He hop'd that I'd reward his zeal,
And think of him on BOXING DAY.
The Bellman, Dustman, Chimney-sweep,
Bring up the rear in smart array,
And all get drunk, and strip to fight,
To prove it is a BOXING DAY.

WEATHER.

Take note,
6 8* 1n
frost
and snow
A4t
may be
expected
this month,
* T2% GQ2
but
be not sure
of their
coming,
$ T2 pvn
then shall
you
not be
disappointed
t D ?9
and
if it be
i(.56 'rT I
fine summer
weather,
then
I say again
$9
bethink you
of the Comet

1

THE COMIC ALMANAC.

VALEDICTION.
FAREWELL, my merry gentlemen,-let nothing you dismay;
But take good heart, for tho' we part, we'll meet another day;
I hope, next year, when, never fear, I'll have enough to say,
And bring tidings of comfort and joy.
To start fair game has been my aim, and make imposture smart;
To raise a laugh at many a calf the object of my heart,
And shoot at Folly as she flies," and fix her with my dart;
And it's all for your comfort and joy.
Now don't despise my prophecies, and think 'em only jokes,
They're just as true, I promise you, as those of other folks;
And while old MOORE is such a bore, 'tis harmless sure to hoax,
For it's all for your comfort and joy.
"Let TURKEY fear the Christmas near"-and ducks, if they are young,
And apropos of Quacks,-the game is up with Doctor Long,
But tho' we've lost the rubber, we've in tricks been pretty strong,
And it's all for your comfort and joy.
We've toll'd the bell that rings the knell of Morison and Co.,
Andfloor'd the funny Chancellor, with all his Penny Show,
Who veers about to show the folk which way the wind doth blow,
And it's all for your comfort and joy.
Our most uncommon Commons, and our very peerless Peers,
In clearing off old scores, have burnt the house about their ears;
Of such a nest of phoenixes I own I had my fears,
But 'twas all for their comfort and joy.
Now let not those who've escapedd my blows believe that I am fickle,
For many a "Pure," who looks demure, I've put a rod in pickle,
And if I'm here another year their backs I'll smartly tickle,
So there's tidings of comfort and joy.

11tovraL
WHILE WE VENERATE
WHAT IS DESERVING OF VENERATION,
LET US NOT FORGET, THAT
QUACKERY, KNAVERY, BIGOTRY, AND SUPERSTITION,
ALWAYS MERIT
EXPOSURE AND CASTIGATION.

	Front Cover
	Front Matter
	Half Title
	Frontispiece
	Title Page
	Preface
	The comic almanack for 1835
	Back Matter
	Back Cover

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