Front Cover
 Title Page
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Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00051
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
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Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00051
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page 1
        Title Page 2
        Page 1
        Page 2
        July 6, 1887
            Page 3
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        July 13, 1887
            Page 11
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        July 20, 1887
            Page 21
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        July 27, 1887
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        August 3, 1887
            Page 43
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        August 10, 1887
            Page 53
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            Page 58, 59
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        August 17, 1887
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        August 24, 1887
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        August 31, 1887
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        September 7, 1887
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        September 14, 1887
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        September 21, 1887
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        September 28, 1887
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        October 5, 1887
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        October 12, 1887
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        October 19, 1887
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        October 26, 1887
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        November 2, 1887
            Page 183
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        November 9, 1887
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        November 16, 1887
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        November 23, 1887
            Page 213
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        November 30, 1887
            Page 223
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        December 7, 1887
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        December 14, 1887
            Page 245
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        December 21, 1887
            Page 257
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            Page 262, 263
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        December 28, 1887
            Page 269
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        Page 1
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
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        Page 8, 9
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    Back Cover
Full Text


' ,i,

------a ose oce e.' 3-ihort
vi.- ul l .AV TO uTdL .




I -------



- il~b~.Ll~b: _




? .`.~-- .5


BANG 1 I Dynamite? Yes The gentlemen from America have succeeded at last, then I Looks like it I How dreadful What
are those bits flying into the air ? Dear me what a jingling of little bells.
It did seem dreadful, and no mistake I The bits needed no prolonged scrutiny to identify them ; it was but too evident that they
were the fragments of poor dear FUN; and yet- Could there be any mistaking the expression of jubilant amusement on the well-
known features of the Jester as his head sailed independently by up toward the ether? *
But who is this? FUN, the good Jester, in one piece-entire-unshattered-coherent? Yes-hear, he speaks. "Yes," he says,
"I've just come back from a visit to everywhere at once. Never been so thoroughly diffused among the human race before, I assure you;
and never should have managed it without the help of our good friends the Americans! Can't say how much I owe them Just hap-
pened to be passing when they were discharging one of their little infernal machines, with the view of disseminating a taste for violence
through the universe-up I went; and up with me went Truth, Moderation, Sanity, and all the other good solid qualities !"
Scattered to the four winds ?
"Exactly-to be carried by them to the hearts and intelligence of all men, and convince them that the American business doesn't
pay. I assure you these dynamite gentry have done more to diffuse us all than all the well-doers since the creation !"

"" /1iga
'i~ r .~qA

,0 ~ ~ ~ pi

1,1- 'ts _i .-- -'-.e-

~-~r -

LITERARY. NAVAL Review. A, 38 Conditions Control Circumstances, 173
ABOUT Ambassadors of Commerce, 156 Naval Reviewing, 29 Convenient Constitutions 206
Age of Doubt, The, 241 New Leaves, 24, 35, 73, 82, 95, 214, 125, Cookery for All-Goose-Day, 129
Allied Forces, The, 230 131, 16o, 180, 195, 211, 221, 233, 255 Cook's Sunday Night Out, 143
At Last, 28 News at the Naval Review, 52 Cruel Little Girl, 231
At Last, 2 2s D Custom of the Trade Again, The, 260
RACON-CUING,, 243 OFFENING his Dignity, 1264
Bore of the Iron Road, The, 30 On some Indian Princes, III DEBATE of the Future, The, 117
Bound to Draw, i7.1 Our Future Doctors, 121 Dignity of Art, The, 226
Bride of the Seas-on, The, 5 Our Legitimate Source of Pride, 148 Distinction and a Difference, A, 50
Our Modesty, 261 T Down on Him, and Quite Rightly io8
*CAvUGT in the Act, 90 Drawn Stra;ght from the Tap, III
Cause of Crime, 1 he, 3 PACKING Up, 107
Cheerful Companion to the Calendar, A. Painful Parting, A, 237 "FALLACY Somewhere !" 254
3 23 45, 78, 27, 131, 146, 273, 185 Patriotic Pean, A, 192 i Fancy A, 17
i5, 37, 2367 Person of Great Consideration, A, 166 Fancy Flight, A, 49
Christmas Appeal, A, 27 Plain Unvarnished Ta!e, A, 220 Few Recipes, A, 272
Christmas Carol, A, 267 Plot and Counterplot, 169 Fitted to the Pier-iod, 45
Chltrtmas Hamper, A, 259 Policeman's Lot, The, 20o For that (or some other) Reason, 244
Clang of the Clock Tower, The, 6, 16, 25. Poor Santa Claus, 264 GAMBKEBPER "At Sea," The, 144
38, 6i, 73, 85, 97, 105, 117, "25 Prince-ipal Peer, A, 149 Goin s On, 203, 223, 245
Cockle and the Crab, The, 233 QUEER Country, A, 39 "Good Old-Fashioned Christmas," A, 265
Cockney Carol, A, 226 Quite Unused to It! 221 Gravest Offence of All, The, 112
Conversations for the Times, 18, 48, 62, 72, Great Champion Shaver, The, 175
96, eoS, oSc RAiN--ALL, The, p. Guy Fawkes .n the Workhoose, 205
Crying for the Moon, x59 Reflections-and Interruptions, 254 Fa s
DELI,.HTFUL Discovery, A. 83 SAVING his Bacon, 244 HALn rr n g nt A,
Deposition of Man, The, 156 easide Reverie, A, 70 Heard within nd Miles of War
Drawba 4Silence is Golden," H within a Hundred MileS of War-
Drawbacks, 24 silence is Golden," 199 dour Street. io
Dressig for his Part, 26 S he d P, 2, 222 34 44 6, He Thought He d Surprise Her-and He
ENoni Jubilee, 04 7 20, 30 42, 252, i62, Did 2c6
Ennobling Exhibition, An, 78 172, 84, 94, 204, 214, 2'4, 236, 246, 258 "Higher Education of Women," The, 0o
Ennobling Exhibitions, ihe,78 2670
Enterprise of .vans Jones, The, 6 Some Light on the Casualties, 40 ILLUSION Dispersed, An, 183
Exeter, September 5th, 1887, 114 Spirit of Enquiry, The, 232 Impecunious Dauber and His Michaelmas
FAD of Emmeline, The, 158 Street Stories, 137, 153 Goose, 140
Farmer Giles Goes to the Jubilee, 3 Success of the Great Imperial Institute Interesting Invalid, An, 154
Female Friendly Societies, 266 Trick, 20 In the Public Interest, 92
Fighting Trade, The, 180 TAKE Care 1 Introduction, I
Fire a 73 Rh T "Taking" Likeness, A, I8o JUBILEE Regatta, The, 7
Fisherman's Rights, The, 002 Talisman. The, 208 LAw and the Gentleman, The, 25s
GAUL-LING o10 Terrible Reason, A, 55 Lie ond the Gentleman, The, 25
Getting to the End of It, 89 Thorough Remedy, A, 84 Lfe n the Ocean ave, A,
Great Sareguard, The, 188 To Richard Jefferies, 77 166, i81, 188, 28, 28, 28, 28 40, 252,
Grogtown-Super-Mare, 60 To the Rescue, i59 L s fo m the I oeo49 a 23, 242
Turf Cuttingsrd Mayor, Lucy, and "The Unm-
HarrY' Harvesters, ri8 Turf Cut*ngs 8,8 16, 28, 40, 84, 97, r0o, played," The, 193
H15, T36, 243, 163
History of Ann, The, 2z "'Twas in Trafalgar Square," 222 MARKIET-DAY Mem., A., 239
Holiday Horror, A, 95 UNDER the Liberal Umbrella, 57 Metropolitan Fire Brigade, The, 73
Hotch Potch, i43, 189 Unemployed, The, 189ilthrpe is Up for the Cattle Show, 235
Hunting the Ozone, 7 Union Waits, The, 55 Monsieur on the South-Western, 138
Hunting the Ozone, 17 Union Waits, The, C55
More About that very Pattern Post, 171
IN a Bad Way, 86 VOICE from Afar, A, 242 More Pretty "How D'ye Do's," 213
Intelligent Foreigner in Camp, The, 29: WARNNG, A, 83 NOT O'erflowing Full, 9
Among the Grouse, 82; Becomes N Whistlerian Warble, A, 98
Special Constable, 227; at Olympia, 247: OFF" Chance, The, 92
Internat onal Event, An, I59 Yokel's Vengeance, The, 191 Oh !-Ah 231
In the Interests of Freedom, 136 Oh, the Barbarian! 42
Jon to Jonathan, 209 ENGRAVINGS. On Holidays, 75
Jubilee Alphabet, The, 57 ABOUT Trunks Again, 36 Only Remedy, The, 122
nicknacs, 8, Another Innings, i On the Intrusiveness of Foreigners, 80
Knickacks, 7, 30, 39, 50, 63, 71, 79 er Rai y Grievance2 "On the ash," 37
9', 07., I5, s26, 132, 147, z7, 167, 178 Another Tale of a Tub, 95 On Trunks Once More, 46
,9T, 2o0, 209, 22T, 226, 243, 248, 267,27, As we Run we Read, 61 Open Sesame, 247
LAST "Quid, The, 32 Attempt to Train Her, An, 256 "Outside, please," 212
Lend o a Caste n the Air, The, i39 Awkward Remark, An, 30 PAS de "Do," A, 3
London Landlord, The, 74 A,
Losing his Head, 71 BANK-HOLIDAVIST, The, 63 Peace and Goodwill; or, the Season of
Lytton.y, A, 200 Beauties of Shakespeare," 25, 39, 48, 6o, Reconciliation, 261
72, 79, 91, 'o6, 4x6, 126 37, 47, 56 Penalties of Distinction, 163
IANSION HOUSE Puzzle, A, 200 166, 18,, 188, p 98, 208,28, 230, 40' 252 Plain Speakig, 25
Matter of Imperial Importance, A,1 Bishop and the Ballet Girl, The, 60 Power of Music (), The, 168
Allt Sauce, on 131 ion~ Notionrcasm 6P M T
Min Saerse, 40 Bonded Notion, The, 87 Preconceptions of a Cynic and a Sentimen
Misunderstood, 240 talist, 31
NModern Sclp Hunters, The, 239 Bully (Dog) for Him, 182alist,
QUITE Another Thing i c28
Slrtrle Visiting, 149, 169, 275, 99, 205, CaBnv Master of the Situation, 222 Quite anUnworldly Compliment, ofcourse
219, 3T3, 249 Complimentary, 15 _9

RABID Politician, The, 20o
Rather Rough, 225
Real Starver of the Poor, The, 196
Remarkable Instinct, A, 4
Remarkable Occurrence, 102
Reminiscences of the Heat and Drought, 77
SRemnants," ior
Rivets, 164
Rule Britannia! 32
Rule of the Road-or Pavement, The, 234
Rural Habit, A, 68
SCHOOL for Husbands, A, 20
Settler, A, 271
Silver Thames, The, 114
S rloin as la Aode Anglais, 259
Sweeping Beauty, The, 86
"Sly Fox," 202
So Changed! 238
So Soon after the Bridal Day, too! 220
Sporting Notes, 3, IB, 94, 131, 169
Strange Traveller, A, 14
Summer Sketches, 17, 51, 62, 82, 148
TABLE d'H6te Note, A, s5
That Birthday Present, 57
That Disobliging Public, 186
That Pet Jacky 9
That there Remmuddy 176
Trunks Again, 56
Turkish Bath, The, 41
UNCORROBORATIONS of Conventional Hu-
morists, Ir, 21, 33, 43 53, 65, 119, I4r,
161, 257
VERY Pattern Post, A, 151
WHAT a Comic Artist has to Put Up With,
Wheedling the Homicide, 216
"Why is this Rider so Haggard ?" 185
Why Some People haven't had a Change
this Summer, 99
ALLIED Forces, The, 229
At Last, 123
CAUGHT in the Act, 93
DRESSING for his Part, 262
HAPPY Harvesters, 113
Hornet s Nest, A, 26
IN a Bad Way, 81
"In the Swing," 27
JoE and Jonathan, 207
LOSING His Head, 69
MARTYRS of Civilization, The, 177
Mint Sauce, 5
NAVAL Review, A, 37
" Not for Joe," 145
OLD Pump, The, 165
SAVING His Bacon, 239
Sport, 135
TORY Tailoring, 47
To the Rescue 155
Triumphant Success of the Great Imperial
Institute Trick, 15
"'Twas in Trafalgar Square," 217
UNDER the Liberal Umbrella, 58
Under the Mistletoe, 273
Unemployed, The. 187
UninvitPd Guest. The, 197
Union Waits, The, 251

JULY 6, i887. I I


/ WHEN MR. FUN was called upon
8 ,

,'L, WHEN MR. FUN was called upon
STo start an innings more,
Some matters which have palled upon
S /' Him, were not to the fore:
It was extremely curious-
I give my sacred word
My story isn't spurious-
But this is what occurred :-
Britannia wasn't round about
L ,r ( Soliciting advice;
S"" ^ Nor was "the Master" loud about
His value above price;
Without exacting deference,
He sought the wicket-sticks,
And made no sort of reference



2 FUN. JULY 6, 1887.

RURY' LANE.-I should think
the Walpurgis scene in Faust, as
? produced here on the 25th ult.,
Swas probably one of the finest
things of the kind which have hap-
pened. I am led to this belief by
the circumstance that I was unable
to remain and see it, in conse-
quence of its coming on so late in
the evening. It has been my
consistent fate through life to miss
the best things in it (judging by
the descriptions of those who
have not missed them), and,
having missed it, I naturally class
this among "the best things."

LET that be how it will, how-
ever, there can be no doubt about
the excellence of the rendering of
the opera. A cast which includes
the Reszkes as Faust and Me-
phistopheles, and Madame Nor-
DRURY LANE.-SIBEL, PAS SI BELLE AS dica as Marguerite, needs little
PARSSIBLE, BUT PASSABLE, TOO. bush "-it is "good wine," in-
deed. Jean de Reszke's romantic
bearing and manly presence (albeit he is "writ" rather "large")
enhance the value of his sweet voice and fine singing, and make him an
ideal Faust; and, with voice, fair semblance, and good and piquant
acting sense, Madame Nordica gives us a Marguerite well worthy of it.
Edouard de Reszke is a splendid bass, and a splendid Mephistopheles.
He is writ even larger than his brother, and makes a very comfortable-
looking devil, indeed. They evidently feed him well in-where he

M. VICTOR MAUREL has a goodly and wide-spread reputation, but I
can't honestly say that his Valentine made me anything else but un-
comfortable all the time he was about. He is the champion "wobbler,"
I should say (since Weston left the business), and he frequently turns up
his eyes in a forlorn manner,
"As dying ducks in thunderstorms
Are often said to do."
If people like Maurels like this let me be without Maurels I pray you.
Mdlle. Georgina Fabri has a very nice shape, and her two movements of
pathos (burying the face in the hand alternately with pressing the
clenched fist against the bosom) are very amusing; but if I have a
favourite song in this opera it is the Parlata d'Amor, and I never can
forgive the way Georgina treated it. She played the very Mephis-
topheles with it, and nothing else.

THE following Monday saw a somewhat poor performance of Lucia
di Lammermoor. A ddbutante on the stage (though I believe the
concert roomlis not unfamiliarized
with her presence), Mile. Gam-
bogi essayed the title part-not
to put too fine a point upon it-
unsuccessfully; and, although
Signor Pandolfini's Enrico was '
good and Signor Runcio's Ed- A
gardo passable, there was nothing
in the performance generally to
raise it above a very ordinary
level. N

THE GAIETY.-Mrs. James '
Brown-Potter is trying again (I
might say very trying again), but
I don't think that the piece she is
(so) trying with is much better
suited to her purpose than the one
in which she previously appeared.
A very good idea is far from
" worked for all it's worth," and,
though the cast is strong, its very
strength serves to show the barren- te
ness of the land about. I don't
altogether see that the unmarry-
ing the heroine for English stage DRURY LANE.-FAUST REJUVENATED;
purposes was the necessity the "THERE IS NO DECEPTION."
adapter seems to have considered
it, though I suppose the "Moorish dancing place" was unavoidable,
and indeed serves the purpose well enough. There is some good

writing in the play, and here and there some queer lines-on the whole
it may be said that the adapter has done his work well.

THERE are some good people who consider that Mrs. James Brown-
Potter has improved in her acting; I, alas, am unable to amass that
amount of charity which would enable me to join this worthy corps-
true, the amount of charity needed would be large, but I take no credit
for that. She has discarded some of her tricks, and others, notably the
upheaval of the eye, she uses less lavishly, and in so far as their absence
is an improvement she has improved. Her betterment "hath this
extent, no more." To begin with, her pronounced accent is dead
against her, and, at one point in particular, was so ludicrous in effect as
to extort the unwilling smile from kindliness no less than the undis-
guised guffaw from the unreflecting. This accent had the oddest effect
upon the miserable writer of these lines, reminding him irresistibly of
Miss Nelly Farren in her comic-vocal moods until he grew quite
hysterical and had to seek solace in the soothing soda blended with the
balmy brandy.

MRS. JAMES BROWN-POTTER has, moreover, a plentiful lack of stage
ease, she bears herself, at times, with extraordinary ungainliness, her
idea for the expression of pathos is to stiffen all over and lean back,
she passes rapidly on through the play as though the finish were the only
end to aim for, she is monotonous, one-gestured, and crude, and-her
hair keeps coming down. For my part, indeed, I see no sign whatever
of the acting sense; I may be wrong, of course, I hope I am, for Mrs.


J. B. P. is pretty in a small-featured way, and pleasant to look upon,
and drapes a rather rigid figure in taking frocks.

THE other characters in the piece only merit notice on account of
their exponents, with the exception of the hero, played by Mr. Kyrle
Bellew cleverly, touchingly, and well, though, as usual, "sicklied o'er "
with a thick layer of self-fancy. Miss Roselle, Mr. Fernandez, and
Miss Fanny Brough rose superior to circumstances, and Messrs. John
Maclean, Arthur Dacre, Lewis Miller, J. L. Shine, Miss Julia Gwynne,
and the rest, were worthy of themselves. Mr. Shine appeared in an
inexplicable character, and, at one point, had to sing a song, the in-
congruity of which incident struck him so forcibly that he couldn't
remember the words. The scenery-by Banks, Ryan, Perkins and
Emden-is exceptionally beautiful.

THE PRINCESS'S (morning).-Mr. Richard Davey, in a speech given
with much dramatic force, so kindly did the critics' work of judgment
on Miss Houliston's performance in the title-part of his version of Victor
Hugo's Marion Delorme (produced here by the lady on the 28th ult.),
that our hearts would fill with swelling gratitude, were it not that some
of our opinions do not altogether accord with his. This is matter for
chastened regret, of course, but such trials will come, and we must bear
them with what fortitude we may. The sending of the anonymous letter,
by the way, which was the occasion of Mr. Davey's orate," is deserving
of all reprobation, but there was no need to make capital out of it.

NODS AND WINKs.-Miss Grace Hawthorne will postpone the pro-
duction of Theodora till the autumn (I should think so 1), meantime she
"opens" on the 14th with Shadows of a Great City, with hopes, no
doubt, of acquiring some of this Great City's substance.

- -- I-- --

JULY 6, x887. U N 3

Farmer Giles Goes to the Jubilee. SPORTING NOTE.
Now, dang it, Jarge, Oi coom to town (BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT.)
To zee the Queen all in her gown;
The lards and ladies too, a-dressed | '[i .illll .
Loike us be Sundays in our best. .'bEF. T-C T ,'L-
Oi'd cheered tell wouldd be wondrous grand, '
With everywhur a Jarman band;
And all the theaters quite free,
As 'twur the Queen's Great Jubilee,
Well, off Oi went to see the fun;
Oi'll tell 'ee, Jarge, how Oi be done-
On Lunnon Bridge Oi heered a snap,
My watch wur gone, so wur the chap. e
Well, next Oi past the Monument,
Then by St. Paul's still on Oi went;
The folks stared at Oi pretty hard,
No doubt they that Oi wur a lard.
At last the crowd, Jarge, got so thick,
That in one place Oi had to stick;
A parson-looking chap stood by
My side, and talked quite free to Oi.
But when he'd gone, my handkerchief
Went too-Oi tell 'ee 'twur a thief;
A smarter un Oi never zee,
And Oi be cute, Jarge, too, Oi be. -
Well, soon Oi cheered the people cheer,- --
And shout, and some un cried, "They're heer !"
And then there wur a mighty rush, "GREAT JUBILEE STEAKS."
Ontil my ribs Oi that they d crush.
But Oi suppose thee wants to know
What else Oi zee at this great show; A SOMEWHAT sour friend says that no matter whom a man marries, he always finds
Oi zee all as Oi've told before, afterwards that he has married a different person. As the S. F. has paid for the funerals
And, dang it, Jarge! why, nothing more. of four wives, perhaps his opinion is worth consideration.

Tempora Mutantur. The Cause of Crime.
WILKINS experimented with a new razor the other morning and it [An evening paper has gravely pointed out that wife-beating and crime generally may
wouldn't shift a single bristle. How silly of you not to have tried its perhaps be attributed to the effect of Panch and Judy upon the young.
temper before bringing it home, but you always were a fool," snarled WHY this condemning of poor Punch and Judy
Mrs. W. "True, my dear," warbled W., blandly, "I never tried your As an immoral and crime-causing play?
temper before-um, er." Later on Wilkins said to a lone bachelor Such condemnation should make us feel moody,
friend, "Jones, old man, do you know that a hand-glass is a very for- We who have wept at this tragedy gay.
midable instrument of punishment when cleverly used by an irate lithe- With Punch, the old rollicking rampant root-tooter,"
fingered female ? I wasn't aware of the fact," replied Jones; "but Have we not oft spent a glorious time ?
I'll take your word for it." And little we recked that that laughable looter
Was filling our hearts with a passion for crime.
Now we are told that this tragedy story
Drives us all sorts of dark deeds to commit,
Such as bloodshed-worse, betting, in which many glory,
And it giveth the virtues swift notice to quit.
Alas and alack I that a drama so stirring
Should cause a deep craving for fraud and for gore.
Since it thus makes the young to be wicked and erring,
Oh, patronise Punch and his Judy no more.
Yea, since this dear drama to vice seems addicted,
All plays and all players we henceforth should shun,
Lest for seeking the same we should all be convicted
Of doing those deeds we ought not to have done.!
Our Shakespeare, Sims, Massinger, Merritt and Pettitt,
Our Grundy, our Goldsmith, Pinero and Wills,
We all should eschew, lest ere long we regret it,
And juries against us should turn out true bills.
Then put up your shutters, O Irving and others,
And ne'er again tempt the B. P. into sin;
If Punch's deep pathos all virtue's flame smothers,
Much worse are the plays by which praise you would win.
Let Thespis "dry up," let all pros. quit their calling,
Let "Toby" be sent to the Dog's Home anon,
For if Punch and such plays cause results so appalling,
'Tis time that the acting profession was gone !

OVERHEARD AT MARGATE. JEAMES DE LA YANK has whispered to an interviewer that President
Enthusiastic Uncle.-" Did you notice that glorious man-o'-war go Cleveland expectorates freely on the carpets of the White House, despite
by, Mabel? Ha, ha After all, Britannia rules the waves." the efforts of Mrs. Cleveland to restrain her elderly husband's salivous
Qualmish Niece (just returned from a shilling sail on the briny).- propensity. Jeames must have a terrible task when sweeping out in the
"Very likely, Uncle; but she does rule them terribly crookedly, mornings. We trust that he has received at least ten cents for imparting
Oh, I do feel so ill Have you your flask with you?" the interesting information.

4 FU N. JULY 6, 88y.

A FRIEND of ours has been studying the instincts of watchmakers. One has interested and surprised him greatly. He states that a member of the trade can tell that
the watch in your pocket wants cleaning the instant you enter the shop.

He bought a watch lately, left the shop with it, discovered he had left his gloves, and returned for them. Watchmaker didn't recognize him; but that Instinct was on '"'
the alert. Dear me I that watch of yours wants cleaning dreadfully I" said the watchmaker.

Jitij!-;': IA1I Ai"iM

Our friend was surprised, but had it done. As he left the shop again with it, watchmaker happened:to meet him round a case, and again failed to recognize him.
"That watch in your hand is in a shocking state, sir I" said he "no wonder it doesn't go i" "But it:does go-it's justlnew. I've only just- began our friend.
But it was vain-watch had to be leaned again.

Then our friend, wearying of it, flung that ticker in the Thames. Soon after he had occasion to enter that shop again. "Ah I--that watch in your pocket-you
really ought to have it cleaned-strained it so I" said the watchmaker. Our friend turned out his empty pockets in wild triumph. "Ah I-never mind," said the
watchmaker. "I'll send for it if you will leave your address; never do to let it go on in such a state I"

F1UN.-JULY 6, I887.

5!2i i I j




place, that Welsh village;
not so much on account of
its antiquities as of its
manners and customs.
It was not a fashionable
place when we first knew
it: there were seven na-
tives and seven visitors.
The seven visitors wanted
something to eat ; the seven
natives had just killed a
sheep (by accident), and,
being unable to consume
c c the whole of it in that very
S hot weather, were at a loss
what to do with about half
of it. They consulted ;
they did not like to launch
out into such a novel and
rash proceeding as throwing it away; they thought, perhaps, that the
most cautious plan, as involving the least committal of themselves to any
definite course, would be to let it alone to go bad. The visitors sug-
gested that the natives should sell that half to them, as they wanted
some dinner. The natives had never done that sort of thing before ; it
might, being a step in the dark, involve unforeseen and overwhelming
consequences : they shook their heads.
So the visitors-the scenery being very fine in that village-had some
food down from London, and stayed.
It was about three days after the mutton had gone wrong, and been
removed by dogs, that one of the visitors wanted a boat to go on the
river. Now, one of the natives, one Evans Jones, had a boat. Evans
Jones was a comparatively communicative native: he had grumbled to
the visitors that the natives of that place wanted larger incomes than
they possessed, and that times was 'ard; he also regretted having bought
that boat, as he had no use for it; and then the visitor suggested that
Evans should let it out to him.
But Evans Jones shook his head for three days, and then said he didn't
quite see his way to do that.
Then he consulted with his neighbour Evans Jones, and the latter
didn't know what to say; so the visitor laid money down on a stone,
and got in the boat, and shoved off; and Evans Jones took up the
money, and then, undecided what to do under such sudden circum-
stances, sat down and thought it over, and came to the conclusion that
he had been very enterprising to let out his boat, and that it was a good
thing to do.
Next day the visitor said that he would very likely hire the boat by
the week if Evans Jones would stop up the hole in her with a piece of
putty; but Evans Jones replied that he shouldn't care to buy the piece
of putty on the chance, for fear he might have a loss; but if the visitor
would buy the piece of putty, the price should be deducted from the hire-
money ; but the visitor said Pooh !"
Then suddenly a great change came over Evans Jones, and he became
wildly, rashly enterprising. He bought the piece of putty, and put it
on, and let the boat out; and, what is more, he sold another visitor
an ounce of tea which he happened to have; and put the rest of his
quarter-pound in his cottage-widow, labelled "for sale," and kept a
Then the other natives stared at Evans Jones, and did nbt see why
he should get profits which
they did not get; and they
looked very black; and
Evans Jones, who lived up
the hill, and Evans Jones,
who lived on the sands,
sat on a wall and glowered
at Evans Jones for three
Seven more visitors ar-
rived, and the fourteen --- -
visitors suggested that
Evans Jones should lay in
a little stock of tea, sugar,
treacle, and bread, and
supply them; but Evans --- -
Jones said that he shouldn't
like to do that, for fear
something might happen
(such as the death of the
fourteen visitors), and he
might have a loss; so the visitors advanced the money, and Evans Jones
set up regularly in business, and was full of enterprise.

But there was a great murmur in the village about the unfairness of
Evans Jones's success; for all the other natives wanted profits, and had
sat on walls for years trying to get them, while Evans Jones had'secured
several pounds.
There were twenty-one visitors in the place now, all calling out for
food, and boats, and tobacco, and all manner of things; and the great
complaint was that none of the money transferred itself from the pockets
of these visitors to those of the natives; "and what," asked the natives,
"is the use of visitors if they don't do good to the place ?"
Among other things Evans Jones's boat, although constantly in hire,
was not enough for all the visitors; and it happened that another native,
one Evans Jones, had a boat left him by a relation at this time, so he
set up on the beach by the side of Evans Jones. At this the wrath of
Evans Jones knew no bounds. Here was this Evans Jones, after he
himself had taken all the risk of introducing the new enterprise, coming
with his competition to take the bread out of his mouth. What did it
matter if his own boat could not meet the demand ? That had nothing
to do with it. So Evans Jones set himself to poison the minds of the
visitors against Evans Jones, and told them it was no use for them to go
out in his boat, as the tide wouldn't be favourable; while Evans Jones
whispered to them that the tide was all right for his boat, but not for
Evans Jones's; and there was bad blood.
Then came another source of strife. Another native (of the name of
Evans Jones) laid out two shillings (borrowed), and set up as a stationer;
and this caused great resentment on the part of Evans Jones who had
the provision shop, and who did not think competition at all fair.
I But, bless you you wouldn't know the place now. It is a regular
fashionable resort; and prices are very high, as, after all, is only fair
when one considers the original risks incurred by the natives in attract-
ing visitors to the place. Why, there's a large hotel now, and a Pavilion
with a band, and swimming-baths! The hotel is kept by an English-
man, the Pavilion by a Scotchman, and the baths by an Irishman.
It cannot be said that Wales is not enterprising any more !

MONDAY, June 27.-In Committee on Land Transfer Bill Lord
Herschell moves amendment to new provision as to disposition of
personalty, whereby widows of intestates take life interest in whole
instead of one-third absolutely. Noble Lord says he would like to see
an alteration in law of distribution of estates real and personal. So
would FUN, only the scheme of the sage of 153 Fleet Street would be
one for less distribution among the lawyers.
Commons.-Morley objects to perpetuity of Coercion Act. Wants
that article supplied like pianos and mangles, on the three years' system.
Sir Wilfrid the Watery labours painfully to raise a laugh. Ultimately
secures a champion one unintentionally by remarking, "There is this
difference between us Liberals and you Tories-the Liberals have learnt
in the school of experience, which is the only school in which fools can
learn." Remainder of remark lost in Tory yells of delight, Dr. Tanner
incidentally remarking that "base and cowardly assertion" characteristic
of Balfour. Speaker calls the Jubilee Tanner in.
Tuesday.-Lord Mount-Temple pleads for open spaces, and urges that
London's heart bound to be affected if London's lungs not kept clear.
Good luck to Lord Mount-Temple and his spacess that don't kill. Next
article on lordly programme Bill dealing with the weigh cattle are
wayed. (This seems wrong way round.-ED. F.) Query, when found
by the way, don't they generally go in the found?
Commons.-Goschen says alleged dissatisfaction with new coinage
all bunkum. Same in demand everywhere. In fact, feature of the age
the new coinage. An end to everything. Smith intimates there's
going to be one even to the Crimes Bill on Monday.
Wednesday.-Lucky Lords-happy in
the vested rights
Which they enjoy on Wednesday nights
off to Royal Garden Parties, Rollicking Regattas, and such-like frivoli-
ties, while unfortunate Commons lashed to the helm of duty in the
Irish Sea of troubles. What with heated atmosphere and still more
heated Irish oratory, members' life not precisely a happy one. Nolan
moves that no person shall be bound to keep the peace unless proved to
have broken it, and Clancy'gives a piece of his mind to the horde," who
he declares nolens volens support Government. Healy raises Speaker's
pique, and Speaker ejaculates, "You are going too far, Healy-you are
really I"
Thursday.-Lords resolve, on Coleridge's motion, to communicate
their legal decisions to Courts affected thereby-but the other Courts,
half of whose decisions are never communicated to the general public,
hold G.P. to the maxim ignorance of the law is no excuse.
Commons.-Wilfrid vainly tries to draw the Egyptian Sphinx. Smith
poses, according to Labby, as Alexander, and cuts the knot of Crimes
Bill with the sword of his majority.
Friday-Lords.-Irish Land.
Commons.-Lawson appropriately asks whether police to be rewarded
for extra Jubilee labours. Bradlaugh wants to deal with waste lands,
and other members waste a deal of time.

JULY 6, 1887.

_ ~~___

JULY 6, 1887. N 7


You ask why I'm happy and gay ? The papers will stick to mere news, IT is summer. Well, any fool could tell that, unless he happened to
Why my countenance hath a Whether news be but paltry or be a stoker in a Red Sea steamer. Do I enjoy the heat? No, I most
calm cast? vast, certainly do not. I don't happen to be an agent for summer drinks or
'Tis because, pray allow me to say, No Jubilee par can they use, fruit salts, and all that. I'm not a lodging-house keeper at the seaside.
The Jubilee's past. For the Jubilee's past. What on earth's the good of the summer to me, I should like to know ?
I can sit in the sun dolcefar niente, and doze and enjoy myself. Well,
The shops will resume their old The people will now be more can I ? As I don't happen to be fond of having a lot of gnats biting
form, sane, my ankles, or of earwigs crawling down my collar, I don't care for that
Their "ads" they will alter at And with Jubilee "mugs" sort of thing, I can tell you. You catch me sitting out in the sun. I
last, won't be classed, can enjoy a cool drink in summer. Can I ? That's to say, I can get
With "Jubilee goods they won't And the Queen, too, more calmly fiendishly thirsty, and then give myself the nettle rash or a surfeit, by
swarm, will reign, gulping down a long drink. Not I. The shady side of Piccadilly-do
For the Jubilee's past. Now the Jubilee's past. I enjoy that? I most certainly do not. Why, London is perfectly
crammed with country cousins and colonials, and all that sort of thing.
There they all are in Bond Street, flattening their noses against the
Si I plate glass of the shops, and squeaking out, "Oh, my goodness 1"
ll I "Oh, my gracious Why can't people keep their enjoyment to
themselves, without trying to ram it down other people's throats, I
I should like to know.
I It's nice and cool on the river. Is it ? It may be nice and cool for
ii all I care about it. Don't want to have to pay nearly half-a-sovereign
for a cold lunch, and to sit over the water smelling the dock leaves and
Sthe mud while a parcel of fools go by playing concertinas and banjoes in
steam launches. That's not at all the sort of thing Icare for, I can tell
you. Did I go to a garden party at Richmond the other day ? Yes, I
Sdid. Nice and summery, was it? And the roses were beautiful. Were
they ? What's the good of flowers, I should like to know, excepting to
poison the air when you keep them in a room ? I never saw any good yet
in the summer. It's only a time to make people lazy and drink more
than they ought to do. Excursions, too. Why you can't get in a train
Anywhere, but what it is filled with children leaning out of the win-
dows and bawling "We're all going somewhere or the other to spend a
S happy day." As if anyone cared whether the little beasts were happy
or not. There's a great deal too much holiday-making for children in
summer-time. In my time there was more birch and brimstone and
/ treacle, and a good job too. DIOGENES TUBBS.

IT is pretty clear that the new Jubilee coins are not coins of vantage,"
that is, if "vantage" be synonymous with "advantage," for what
advantage the new coins possess over the old ones nobody has, so far,
POLITICAL MORALITY! been able to find out.
De Buggins.-" But suppose your Party were to throw you over-
board, dear boy ?" AT the Jubilee Ball in the City, it was understood that the guests would
Promising Young Politician (full of confidence).-" Well, I should be received in a crush room, but, strangely enough, though the crush was
have strength enough to swim over to the other side, old chappie." unquestionably great, there was hardly any room to be found at all.

8 UN. JULY 6, 1887.

AN eccentric epicure's chef ruined a dinner last week by over-cooking.
Next morning the E.E. applied to the Fire Office in which he is in-
sured for Thirty Pounds-the
value of goods damaged by
fire on his premises. The
Manager pumped cold water
on the gourmand's application,
and he retired to the nearest
restaurant and dropped salt
50k' .tears into a marrow-bone,
tramway, which will connect
'!- a number of towns and villages
near Buenos Ayres, is now
being laid. The iron horse
will not be employed as a
motive-power, because the
price of a couple of tons of
coal will buy a hardy gee-gee
with all its harness-a game
class of horse which can be
worked up into nice tasty little
South American hashes after
it is past tram-work.

Six wild geese were struck by lightning the week before last. The
bolt of Jove roasted them to a turn; and they were bolted straight off
by hungry peasants in the vicinity. No stuffing.

A GERMAN paper asserts that experiments made at Kunnersdort
have proved that war balloons can be easily destroyed at a distance of
four miles. Our military balloonists chuckle, "How's that for
IT is absurd to suppose that the new coinage gives general dissatisfac-
tion, for we hear the "smashers" en masse consider the new sixpences
excellent coins, well worth expending a bit of gilt on. gs. 5d. clear
profit, don't you know.
A NIGGER, who was lately proposed as a member of the Young
Men's Christian Association in New York, has been blackballed on
account of his colour. Not a heavy load of Christianity among the
young men we guess.
OWING to drought thick water has been sold at a penny a can in
Swansea, but soda and whisky still remains at par.

THE following advertisement appeared in a contemporary lately:-
"Wanted, a pious, steady man to make himself generally useful in a
bootmaker's shop, where the lady customers are chiefly elderly members
of the Established Church. Apply," etc. Prunella with elastic sides
and shiny tips you bet 1
A "RESPECTABLE" merchant was recently charged with stealing a
piece of tarpaulin. The magistrate said, "The case is clearly proved
against you, prisoner, but owing to the position you hold in the district
I shall give you the option of a fine. Pay ten shillings or suffer ten days'
imprisonment." A fine example of British justice this I Had a small
boy of ten years been convicted of a similar offence he would have been
scored and scarified by the prison birch.

A YOUNG gentleman returning home on a 'bus the other night gave
the driver a tip to let him take the reins, but finding the very much
tamed steeds did not progress at the pace he desired, this amateur coachJ
man applied the whip freely to a galled part of one of the animals, upo
which the licensed Jehu whispered hoarsely, "Gently there, guvnor
Easy, sir, if you please. That's my favorite bit o' raw, and I likes tb
keep it ter myself."
A PRIVATE soldier in the United States Army deserted some time
ago and started business as robber and murderer. He was arrested
recently on a charge of desertion, and made a desperate effort to slip his
captors. After nine soldiers had fired at the culprit, a crack shot
managed to bring him down at a distance of five yards. That marks-
man has been presented with a large pewter medal.

THE American Government, deducting that their country is over
stocked with Patlanders, is reshipping batches of assisted Hibernian
emigrants, and telling them to go to-well, let's say Kent.


SIR,-Some may think it out of place that I should fill the meagre
space a niggard editor allows-for telling all the Herrs and Fraus,
Messieurs, Signors, Sirs and Mums, and everybody else who comes,
from Kaiser on his throne to serf, a thing or two about the turf-with that
which smacks of fours and pairs-I mean aquatical affairs. And if they
tell me such is so, shall I deny the statement ? No I I shall remark that
I'm aware that it is so, and do not care, and I shall add to this reply by
slyly winking with my eye, assuming a derisive pose and gently tapping
of my nose. No, I've a tale of Henley week, with which I'm busting
(so to speak), and 'tisn't likely that I'd miss a chance to tell it, such as
The sun was beating on my head, o'er which a cabbage leaf I'd
spread, effectively surmounting that with an extremely tasty hat, as forth
I strolled by Henley meads to see if I could land some feeds. Ten minutes
scarce had sauntered by, when, lo! a maiden caught my eye. She
was "well-found and favoured well, and in her dress a perfect swell,
but there was something in her smile which made me half suspect some
wile, particular as she seemed to be intent on making up to me-the
which, I hope I need not say, I met by looking t'other way. But
though I showed I'd not be mashed, she wasn't in the least abashed,
and not at all discouraged by a certain something in my eye; she held
her course without remorse and asked the way to Charing Cross. I told
her that and turned away, but she had something more to say. She
said it with a timid smile, "Ah, sir, 'tis many a weary mile, and how
-oh, bowl-shall I get there, I have no cash to pay the fare." And then
she look'd-it wasn't bad, but, sir, Iwasn't to be had. I said, Indeed I
Excuse me, mum, but !can't you go and borrow some?" But she
replied, "Alas I fear, there's not a single person here would trust me
with a half-a-crown, and how am I to get to town? But, sir, you look
so kind,"-ahem !-" my bold request you won't condemn. You seem,"
she said, with smiling lips, "like one who's used to giving tips; give
me a tip what crews to back and then I'll win in half a crack sufficient
coin to pay my fare and free me from a load of care."
And then I saw the little game, resolving for to baulk the same
they'd set her on, as I could see, to wheedle all my tips from me; and

/when those splendid tips they'd got, they'd cut me out and make a pot.
What did I do ? Why, then and there I seemed to tumble in the snare, and
gave a list extremely long, with all the winners entered wrong. Profuse
in thanks she tripped away. Then I was busy all that day collecting
pals to go about and take, though with apparent doubt, the many bets her
pals proposed. As balmy evening gently closed I met my cheery
pals, and lord to see our much augmented hoard. To take that hoard
and plank it down in banker's care in London town, we hurried off to
catch the train, and there we met that maid again For what she said
you haven't space-but oh, you should have seen her face I To think
that maids should cheat us thus 1 I'm yours in luck,

SPEAKING anent the co-operative system, Sir Wilfrid Lawson said,
"People never adulterate for themselves, but only in a neighbourly way."
Watery Willie does struggle hard to score as a goakist, and when he
hits the bull's eye it is only fair to record his successful shot.

YII_- _

JULY 6, 1887. IFUN. 9

r ; ___ ___ ___


,i~I ~


.1.* i:


i, !

frota'S 301,
U aj" "

THAT little Pet Jacky, while searching for baccyy,
A billet-doux found; and, you be bound,
It meant joy to Pet Jacky-alacky !

That little Wife Whacky, while jealously racky,
Arrived on the spot, and made things red-hot;
It meant death to Pet Jacky-alacky I

" To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind kimsolf to acknowledge, retur, or fayfor Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
acconmanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

6; .-


I-s, -.
C-L-, I-

i~J~37~1' Y1

I'D dqe 0

LL; ~tr'-~l;r


I o JuLY 6, 1887.

IT is said that a School for Wives is to be started
dressmaking, elocut

of apathetic aspect might be utilised. This
would accustom ladies to a hubby's stolid bear-
ing, and encourage them in the use of their
persuasive powers.


Sby a lady who guarantees to produce a perfect wife for s5.
ion, and debating. With his usual benevolence, FUN offers so


A gentleman might be retained on the staff in order that the
delicate matter of proposing" might be thoroughly mastered.

M1 I T S.A "T C E.
WHAT have we here?
Oh, dear I
With a certain measure
Of pleasure
We were expectantly prepared to see
New coins in honour of the Jubilee:
But when, alas I at length
They put in an appearance,
Theyshow'd such weakness, 'stead of strength,

All wish'd they'd rapidly effect a
For on these coins is represented
(In size too insignificant and mean)
A so-call'd likeness of our gracious Queen,
That does not make the loyal heart contented:
From her back-hair doth trail
A somewhat needless veil,
Whilst on her head is perch'd a little crown
Which looks as if it wants to topple down.
Indeed, I almost think I should decline a
Portrait of our Victoria Regina,


. All Stationers. Sample Box
7 stamps. BIRMINGHAIM.


London: Printed by Daliel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Str N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Strst, E.C.
Wednesday, July 6th, 1887.

There will be classes for, among other things, cookery,
me gratuitous suggestions.

THE DEBATING LESSON.-Constant practice with an-
other dummy figure (with arm movement, and capable
of producing discordant sounds), would serve to endow
ladies with confidence when debating domestic affairs
with a husband not sufficiently docile. .2BT

A course of calisthenics should be included, in order
that future husbands of a refractory turn might be
properly dealt with.

If offered to me in this novel mould;
But no, on second thoughts I can arrange it;
Make me a present of that head in gold,
I'll change it

Now Ready. Price One Shilling.



B lu' e
Seethatyou v
As ba d in akes a rc of ten Sol d

I -




JULY 13, 1887. I J 1




I! II^ '/'' :: !! I -- / I I



12 FUN JULY 13, x887.

RURY LANE.-Madame Minnie
Hauk, the original, and pro-
bablythefinest Carmen, appeared
Sin that character here on the
29th ult., and was received with
anything but Carmen-difference.
It is not necessary to say any-
thing in particular of the per-
e formance, which was as good as
Sever, things being in a condition
any Chancellor of the Exchequer
-. might' envy-every note being
aTj "as good.as gold." Signor
S Runcio Is a good Don Jose, and
Signor Del Puente a capital
Escamillo-"both of which"
was, however, known before.
Mdlle. Marie Eagle was a nice
and bird-like Michaela, and the
( staging was -'well, Harrisian;
., and what more could it be?
7 -- Lohengrin, with Madame
DRiUR LANE.-CARETEN; A TREAT FOR Hauk as Elsa, was to have been
THOSE WHO LIKE (C)'ARMENY. given on the following Saturday;
but M. Jean de Reszke, putting
the apex to his glory as a leading tenor and becoming "indisposed,"
Madame Hauk again appeared in Carmen, just to save the management
from Minnie Haukwardness, I suppose. Most people were disappointed,
some were angry (and you couldn't make Carmeny between them and
the management), while others resolved to (Lohen)grin and bear it.
The cast was the same as on the previous Wednesday; so was the result
-when the non-contents had departed.
ON Wednesday the production of Les Huguenots was to be the
" event," aad was much looked forward to. But scenic difficulties super
vened-I may say, principal and super-vened-and it was postponed till
the following Monday, Aida being substituted, with a promise of Mdme.
Nordica in the leading part. At the last moment, however, that lady
caught cold, and Mdme. Crosmond came to the rescue at something.less
than two hours' notice. The lady did her best, and much sympathy is
her due under the circumstances-but candour admits of no pretence
that she was adequate to the situation, and, as the other lady in the cast
is a vocalist of the undulating order, and the male parts were only
respectably filled, joy was not the consequence. The handsome and
appropriate costumes, correct details (among which I noticed, in the
band, a French horn, a trombone, and other archaic instruments), and
the magnificent staging generally, were as striking as at first, of course.
But in spite of them, gloom settled so deeply upon me that it was only
when my wife-who had been roused to good humour by the present of
one of those two-pennyworths of scent which an enterprising firm seems
to be shedding broadcast over the theatres-it was only, I say, when my


wife, thus mollified, consented to leave, after the duet at the beginning
of the third act, that I was restored to partial serenity.
THE GRAND. -Hans, the Boatman, is here. It is hopeless, ridi.

culous nonsense, but it serves to introduce Tony from My Sweetheart
under another name, and is, so far, not unpleasant. The characters are
all about as conventionally cut and dried as they could well be turned
out, though they are not consistent even in their conventionality, acting
with a puppet-like irresponsibility which proves the author's want of
grasp-or rather the completeness of his grasp of them, for he makes
them do as he likes with small respect to probability. The story of the
city heiress who goes to the country for a holiday and falls in love with
a fifth-rate boatman-apparently because he plays with children, sings
"baby songs," has a big dog, talks "foolishness (as he might call it)
in a broken accent, and won't work-is touching. She marries the boat-
man, and her father "cyasts her off." Six years pass, and Hans-
terribly idle he is, and a terrible libel on "the working-man "-still
plays with children and the dog, and sings, and won't work. But it
doesn't strike her as quite so romantic now, and she makes remarks."
Then is Hans, who has married on nothing per annum, very pathetic and
injured. The wily tempter, with that extraordinary patience of wily
tempters, has waited all this time for his chance, and seeing it, seizes it.
The wife "flies" with him, and some gunpowder explodes and injures
Hans' eyes. A year passes, and the wife (having found the tempter
out) ina long grey cloak and dress and no bonnet, implores the tempter
(in lovely clothes) to "set her right."! But he won't, and she faints.
Then the big dog brings Hans (blind) to the spot; then everybody else
(without ;hte; assistance of dogs) comes to the spot, too, afid all is made
right, and the moral of this beautiful story is that Satan finds some
mischief still (only mischief is generally 'active') for idle Hans to do."

THERE is much adcaptandum introduction of babies and big dog, but
it doesn't really "matter, matter, matter," as there is no interest to
destroy, and, to those who find no
unpleasantness in precocity, the
children are amusing. Mr. Ar-
nold sings well, and has a bright
style which is very taking-apart
from Mr. Howard's clever im-
personation of the "old. sport,"
his was the only artistic thing in
My Sweetheart, and he gives it to
us all over again. Miss Jennie
Rogers is fairly well suited to the
sprightly short-skirted part, her
dancing is clever--indeed, we
could have done with more of it
-but her singing is a little, just
a little, trying. Mr. Henry
George's villainy is quite "up to
sample," and Miss Amy Mac-
Neill contributes some really deli-
cate, well-judged acting as the __7
heroine; she pleased me much, --
but I was not in the least carried -
away by the part she represented.
The scene which does duty for the
first and third acts is pretty, and THE GRAND.-MR. ARNOLD AS THE
above the common. IDLE HANS.
ST. GEORGE'S HALL.-It would be invidious, perhaps, to dwell
upon the fact that the organizer of a "special professional" performance
of a six-act melodrama, with copious entr'actes, for the benefit of the
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, cannot be over-bur-
dened with a sense of congruity. I believe, though the audience was
small, that there was a large ticket sale, and the excellent Society
concerned will benefit to an appreciable extent; so, perhaps, the
ample cloak of charity may find room beneath its skirts, among the
other sins, for the performance of Proof, "under the entire direction of
Mr. Augustus Oliver." That gentleman's performance of the principal
part was painfully clerical and crude (of course I'm giving judgment
on a "special professional" level). Mr. Leonard Outram was robustly
satisfactory as Lazare, as far as I saw; and Messrs. Honeysett and
Fred Fisher (though not faultless) were acceptable. The perform-
ance of Oliver was contemptible. Miss Teresa Hepworth's Adrienne
had no very serious fault; and Miss E. Bessle seemed to me quite equal
to the demands of Valentine, if she had only been kind enough to wear
a light wig. It must have been a severe trial to her, though, to have
her best friend pronounce her name as though she were a February love
token. Miss Isa Bowman was an unpleasantly grown-up" Adrienne
(aged eight), and Mr. Oswald shouldn't call precious stones "jools."

NODS AND WINKs.-Mr. Harry Ethrington figures as the manager of
a big waterfall and a flower show, which was to open at the Agricultural
Hall, Islington, on the 9th, with the title of "Arcadia.' It seems to
promise a sort of glorified "proms," but as for Arcadia-well, Merrie
Islington is merrie still, I take it. NESTOR.

TULY II, r887. 131. 13


-, 0 -

fV .,
., ,, ..s 6. 5.. ", .

Volunteer Colonel (to Lieut. Muddle, who has been putting the men through some movements).-" VERY CREDITABLE I VERY CREDITABLE,

A Cheerful Companion to the
Ist. DUTCH William cross'd the Boyne this
Which done, the Jacobites he pounded;
"King James" preferred to run away
And skulk, the while his friends were
2nd, Jean Jacques Rousseau, who helped to
pave the way
For France's first big Revolution,
Anticipated by his death, this day,
The working of the institution.
3rd. The dog days now begin-(I hope you're
Observe the dog-star gleaming in the
And, if your dog show signs of going
Try what effect will have a dose of
4th. This day, in seventeen-seventy-six,
Ill-rul'd America proclaimed
Her independence, which now "licks
Creation-right away untam'd."
5th. This day, in seventeen-fifty-five,
Great Sarah Siddons saw the light
'Tis possible, were she alive,
We might not think she tower'd quite.

6th. Sir Thomas More beheaded-why?
For thwarting an imperious master,
Whose plan it was to make heads fly
From shoulders, when they'd not go
7th. John Huss was burn'd this day, in what
Some call "those good old times "-
of torch-er ;
Poor man I he was himself too hot,
In fact, before his end, a scorcher.
8th. This day died Adam Smith, who-
Not bless'dwith goldenaggregations-
Was yet quite rich enough, we know,
To leave his heirs "The Wealth of
9th. This day died brain-exciting Edmund
Whom thinking M.P.s yet are aptly
Showing how still intelligence may work
On minds not wholly vowed to one-
way voting.
Ioth. Sir William Blackstone born this day;
For fun peruse his Commentaries"-
(You'll find the comic version gay-
FromBlackstoneBeckett so farvaries).
Ilth. Sir William Walworth this day dash'd
The brains from Jack Cade's head-
As if the man whose skull he crashed
Were not at first too Red."

Iz2h. Erasmus died this day-a cleric jolly,
Who turn'd great wit to varied uses;
The "King of Learning," he belauded
And poured abuse and church abuses.
13th. In eighteen-seventy-eight, this day,
The Berlin treaty sign'd;
What "Peace with honour's worth we
By that great Treaty find.
14th. The Bastille, symbolising Wrong
In ev'ry stone that form'd it,
This day, tempestuously strong,
The People went and storm'd it.
15th. St. Swithin's Day: if rain on this day
As fall it will somewhere, without a
For forty days and nights "look out for
And go in waterproof to ball and rout.
16th. This day, as you perchance have read-
Such needs o'ertake the mighty-
Mahomet had to fly, and fled;
But don't say he was flighty."

THE owners of dogs in Ireland are supposed
to be taxed two shillings per canine-head.
The cost of collecting the said tax comes to
about 90 per cent. on the amount gathered in.
Good for some folks' pockets, eh ?

)2 1 '-.

14 FUN. JOLY 13, 1887.


A porter 'as dooties as well as privlidges. The public is werry liberal. Don't they look or something in return? 0 course. I knowed a ole gentl'mun as was
werry free with sixpences, and I used to think to myself-' Now, he expecks some little mark of attention in return. If I make a 'ole in 'is trunk, or rench the lid off,
he'll know I ain't neglected 'im.' So I always used to go to 'im and say, It's all right, sir; I've punished 'im this time.' Tat's what the public expecks of porters.

" Well, I was mistook in that ole gentl'mun.

Ses he one day-' Porter, 'ere's a noo trunk. It's armour-plated. That'll beat you-ehl'

"kNow,I natrally thought as he was puttin me on my metal with'is armour-platin, and might take it amiss it I didn't come lp to the scratch; so I takes that
trunk up to the footibrldp, and drops it onto the line; then I finished off with acrowbar. It was'ard work, sir' seeI. If you'll bleveit, the ole gentl'mun seemed
te. put out IIsted o making' it a shillin', he up an' wrote to the company; but the company was werry nice about it, and wrote:-' Dear Porter, never you mind.
hed trunks don't interfere h our dividend' Yes, I was mistaken in that ole gentlmn. I wonder wether I'm mistaken about the rest of the public."

'I, 1 i

iI I,










16 IU N. JULY 13, 1887.

SIR,-Will you let me tell you what? I think it is extremely hot.
With thispremise you will admit that I've excuse, if I see fit, to doff my

coat, and waistcoat too (as common people often do), and, wasting
precious little time, proceed to work you off a rhyme, and generally
dress you up a
THE dweller on Ossian's shore
Of yore
Would set by his mighty Claymore
Great store.
He made his subsistence
Throughout his existence
By plying the weapon he wore
All o'er,
Till the Lowlanders thought it a bore,
You might, in a way, do the same,
The game
Is good, and there's no one to blame
Your aim.
But the Prophet has partly
A weakness for Martly,
And partly a yearning for fame
And name,
Which moves him to doubting its claim.
But Castor is sure of a show,
I know,
He is such a beggar to go;
But oh!
There's nothing that touches
The swift Merry Duchess;
So see that you aren't her foe,
Or lo I
You will find yourself covered with woe.
There, having finished that, I think I am entitled to a drink, which
I will take, I beg to say ('twill occupy me all the day), and not be
ceremonies. I'm yours, all through,

New Leaves.
WHEN London society has quit the shady side ot Pall Mall, let all
society read the Summer Number of London Society. There is plenty of
pretty summer reading in it by the Winter, author of "Bootles' Baby,"
Lady Duffus Hardy, Annie Thomas, John Coleman, and Arthur T.
Pask, author of "From Lock to Lock."

THE Lord Chancellor is going to inquire into the conduct of the
Metropolitan Police Magistrate, Mr. Newton, with regard to the Miss
Cass affair, and there are some who believe that if he were to remove
this Newton from his office, he might at the same time impart a New-
ton(e) to the Bench.

Government Intelligence
THE name of :Mr. Matthews, Secretary of State for the Home De-
partment, has now to be added to the list of Ministerial Cass-ualties.

"Let Newton be, and all was light."
THE sure protection of the peace
Is, of course, the "active pleece,"
The strongest pillar of the State
Is, of course, the magistrate,
So wise, so sharp, so just, so wary,
Is, of course, the stipend'ary.
So wise, so sharp, so just, so wary,
Is Mr. Matthews, Secret-ary,
To keep all these in pomp arrayed
Are, of course, the taxes paid.
But still, if you the taxes pay,
Of course you must not dare to stray.
You'll be run in for picking purse,
Or ifa girl, for something worse.
And no one too, of course, must speak
Up for you before the beak.
Oh, bless the "pleece" from last to fust I
Oh, bless the magistrate so just I
Oh, Mr. Matthews too, we must,
Who plead with fervour stern and strong,
"Let Newton be "-and all was wrong.

MONDAY, 4th July.-Lords read Irish Land Bill third time, and in
chatter waste absurd time. Granville charges "moral closure;" Premier
answers, "I suppose your meaning is that, down below, 'tis immoral."
G. "Just so." From the Commons to the Peers, exit M. E. G. Finch-
Hatton. Halley Stewart, met with cheers, takes the seat that Hatton
sat on, only, much to Gladstone's pride, takes it on the other side.
Rads. and Parnellites demand that appeal in Paddyland shall from
magistracy lie. FUN approves demand, for why? If Irish magistrates
possess same gift of sense, no more, no less, that English ditto, dark the
hour when they obtain unchequered power. Smith then claims for
Government all Session that remains unspent. Both parties charge
with crass obstruction the other side; then comes a ruction, Smith
wrestles with Westminster Bill, and works his own resistless will.
Tuesday.-Lord Belmore moves his Mercy Bill, which seems replete
with common sense, in holding out a last chance still to those charged
with a first offence.
Commons.-Atherley-Jones, in earnest tones, asks if inquiry made, in
case of the lass Elizabeth Cass; and, his cards are so skilfully played, the
vials of wrath, in a boiling hot froth, descend on the Minister, who
declines, to his shame, to clear the girl's fame, and haul up the party in
blue. John IBull won't endure that his girls, rich or poor, shall be
slandered by Bobby or beak; so the too busy blue, and the magistrate,
too, will probably soon eat the leek. When Gladdy his Niag'ra shot,"
he found himself in water hot; and Smith confesses he's afraid he'll be
upset o'er this cas(s)cade.
Wednesday-Commons.-Do certain females fee males? Do blue
males blackmail take? Home See. says, as to the males, he'll full
enquiry make. And, moved by nation's indignation, Smith promises

rf! f[TJH'
I,(a be v

investigation into the matter of Miss Cass (Smith's not an impolitic ass).
Thank goodness, Matthews cries, I've got an end, pro ter., of Endacott.
In Supply on Survey Vote, Powell makes a caustic note. Thinks so
slow the ordnance mapping, that some must have been a-napping .

JULY 13, i887. FU N'. 17

A FIERY-FACED individual was called upon, the other day, to show
just cause why he should not be punished for having amused himself by
pulling the nose of one William
Hoskins, without the owner's
leave. "Were you intoxicated,
prisoner?" inquired the ma-
gistrate. "Me intosticated?"
replied the prisoner, indig-
nantly; no, sir I 'adn't
S'ad more'n three quarterns o'
rum afore brekfus, so 'ow
could I be? As fur the has-
S sault as is chargt hon me,
this 'ere gent deserved wort
he got. I went into a public-
'ouse to sell my srimps, and
S while my back was turned, I
seed him put his hands into
my basket in a honbecomin'
sorter way. Sis I, I-don't
call this acting like a gentle-
mun, to go for to prig a poor
man's srimps;' and he told
me for to give him none of
my sarse, and hevin got inter
a hargyment, well, I might hev jest touched him on the nose." "I
suppose you will be satisfied with an apology ?" said the magistrate to
the complainant." "I can't afford to take no 'pology," growled the
injured party, scratching his head vigorously; "but I tell you what I'll
be satisfied with-a drop o' summut short, to drink hat the prisoner's
expensee" "Retire both of you," exclaimed his worship, "and bury
the hatchet in unsweetened,' only don't bury it too deeply."

AN orator remarked, the other night, "What a misfortune it is for
the starving Irish peasantry that they were not born black Had they
have been so, they would receive much kindly attention at the hands of
wealthy philanthropists." We believe the speaker's words were bor-
rowed from a speech of Lord Byron's ; but we laud the man for cribbing
them, and palming them off as his own. They were like a little oasis
in a desert of dreary drivel.

A MAN charged with bigamy, the other morning, shed tears on seeing
the two aggrieved ladies appear in court. Then the women sighed, melted,
did a quiet snivel, and left together in search of bail. The culprit on
remand had two dinners sent in that day instead of one. He managed
to swallow Ctelettes d'Agneau and Round of Beef a l'Angolaise, and
then sang in his cool cell, "Oh, yes, 'tis love, 'tis love, 'tis love, that
makes the world go round !"

A CYNICAL man buried his wife a few days back in grand style. His
most intimate friend asked why he had expended such a lavish sum on
her funeral? Wiping a salt amber drop from his left optic, the widower
sighed, She would have done as much, or more, for me with pleasure,
dear boy. Believe me, I'm speaking the truth!"

A TEN-FOOT marble statue of Mr. T. P. Barnum has just been com-
pleted for erection in the park of Bridgeport, Connecticut. Why was
marble chosen as a medium ? Surely the effigy of The Prince of
Humbugs," as he is pleased to call himself, ought to have been made
in brass.

WHILE on a jaunt round a South Coast watering-place last week, we
noticed that blind beggars were plentiful as periwinkles. One sightless
mendicant wore a card in his hat with the inscription, "Don't be
ashamed to put French bronze in the box. I can't see, you know."
Another was painted, in bold letters, "Please to Encourage the Blind."
How sweet I

PRINCE ROBERT of Yetholm, king of the gipsies, had a gala night in
Galashiels recently. The police took exception to the flippant conduct
of H.R.H., and insinuated that he was as drunk as a lord. Being of
Royal bleed the Prince took exception to this insult and punched about
very freely. H.R.H. was sentenced to ten days' oakum picking next
day. Some magistrates haven't a bit of respect for Royalty.

THE report that the Home Secretary has received a letter from Her
Majesty the Queen complimenting the police upon the admirable manner
in which they perform their arduous duties in Regent Street at night,
turns out to be false. Now that Her Most Gracious Majesty is on the
Jubilee jump, she really ought to take a stroll through this important
thoroughfare-under careful protection, of course-and see with her own
eyes the villainy certain of the boys in blue indulge in.

Hunting the Ozone.
I HAVE been beside the ocean, I have combated therein
With the waves and with the seaweed there afloat;
I have listened to the squalling and the dusky buskers' din,
I have suffered much discomfort on the boat.
I have noted that the drainage of the towns in which I stayed
Is vile-that is, compared with London's own;
And all these little drawbacks I have suffered undismayed
Because I was in search of the Ozone.
The Ozone, perhaps you'll tell me, has a sort of Irish sound,
But it isn't to Hibernia confined;
'Tis a kind of subtle essence which is coastward to be found,
And for inward application is designed.
So, at least, the doctors tell us, so we annually flee
To the places where this product most is grown,
And we lounge on piers and beaches, and we wallow in the sea,
For the purpose of absorbing the Ozone.
And we struggle with our packing certain necessary trunks,
And we frantically study railway guides,
Till our cerebrum, grows dizzy, and our jaded spirit funks,
And our oceangelic temper fumes, besides.
And we rush to various stations by the aid of some hack steed,
Who untamed fiery instincts ne'er has shown,
Yes, deep is the discomfort that we suffer from, indeed,
When we hasten forth to capture the Ozone.
When we reach our destination, then at houses or hotels
For lodgings often vainly we implore;
And, though againstt the overcharges oft the overcharged rebels,
His fate is-to be overcharged the more.
And we wander round and round the pier, in one unvarying line,
While the brass band's brassy melodies are blown;
And overawed by etiquette, we daily dress to dine,
In the haunts wherein we hunt for the Ozone.
And when you come to balance all the worries with the joys
That surround you, when we frivol by the sea,
Your confidence in seaside spots it oftentimes destroys-
Is it worth the large amount of s. d. ?
Aren't you always glad (or mostly) when towards town you turn your
Don't you warble in a more delighted tone?
For London (lo, I drink to it I) is, after all, the place-
Though it isn't the address of the Ozone.

A VISITOR to St. Kilda was much struck with the extreme piety of
the good Scotch minister located there. In a doch-an-doris ceremony
the worthy pastor removed his hat, and said a lengthy grace over his
whisky and water before he moistened his clay. A wicked Philistine
young lady present says that she laughed so much at the sight she thought
her cachinnations would have killed her.

SEVERAL French lion-tamers have been terribly gnawed by their
trained animals of late. The great quadrupeds of the genusfelis, too,
have been seriously unwell after their surreptitious feeds. This is sad I




18 FU? N. JULY 13, 1887.


Hooray, my
dear There is
to be a Great
7/ / Public Rejoicing
--goodwill, and
generosity, and
recklessness of
expense, and all
that, all round!
Bless me! it
warms one's
heart, doesn't it
MRs. M.-C. T.
Indeed, it does !
And I see there
are to be proces-
sions, and deco-
rations, and fireworks, and grand cathedral services, and all sorts of
things to see and enjoy It says :-" All classes will unite in one lofty
sentiment of patriotism, liberality, and unselfishness; putting aside for
the time being all thought of self-interest or personal gain." That's very
nice, isn't it?
MR. M.-C. T. Very. We must enter heartily into the spirit of the
thing, my dear. Ah !-here's a lady at the door. Something con-
nected with the festivities, no doubt. It was something
connected with the festivities, my love: she wanted a subscription to
the fund for presenting Her Majesty with a handsome offering. Of
course I subscribed handsomely; one must enter into the spirit of the
- Ha here's another knock. That was connected with
the festivities, too; a gentleman to beg for a subscription to a fund to
enable the tradesmen on the line of route to erect grand stands. Several
other parties called at the same time-one for a subscription to a fund to
buy the bishops new mitres for the ceremonial, and one for a subscrip-
tion to give the poor a treat on the occasion, and another for a subscrip-
tion to give the rich a treat on the occasion. Of course I felt bound to
enter into the spirit of the thing. Well, my dear, I find
the Public Festivity has cost me just about twenty pounds up to the pre-
sent; but of course the universal spirit of generosity must be maintained.
By-the-way, I suppose the tradesmen along the line of route will be
sending round invitations to the seats they've erected.
MRS. M.-C. T. That will be nice and generous! And then, no
doubt, the Queen will be sending tickets for seats to see her receive her
offering; that will be nice, too. I'll just sit down and think what I will
MR. M.-C. T. Eh ? Oh !-ahum !-I see there s to be a charge to
the public for the seats along the line of route. The charge is to be one
thousand pounds per seat, and fifteen hundred for a reserved seat.
Hum 1-that'll be a nice little plum for the tradesmen along the line of
route. Oh and, by-the-way, I see the invitations have been issued for
the grand Festivity Service at Westminster Abbey.
MRs. M.-C. T. Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
MR. M.-C. T. Yes, very nice-for the aristocracy. Nobody under
the status of an earl is to have a ticket. Oh !-by-the-way, I see the
middle classes
are to have the
privilege of go-
a ing to another
Service next day
-on payment
of one guinea
each. Oh very
nice and liberal
-on the part of
t he public.
SHum I -well,
let's go out for
a stroll and see
all the sights
6 that the univer-
sal generosity is
to supply. Let's
see there's a
jubilee firework
display at the
Crystal Palace. Come, that will be nice-eh ? Oh, I see we have to
pay for it, though. Well, we can look in the shops, at anyrate.
MRS. M.-C. T. Oh, what a delightful lot of iubilee presents I That

is generous of the shopkeepers Let us go in and receive one of those
"Festivity gold watches." Dear me! I thought they
were to be given away, but the price is fifty guineas. The shopkeeper
says it's that price because it's labelled Festivity," but that I can have
it for five guineas if I call next week when he has taken the label off.
* Dear me 1-what a horrid crowd there is; I'm nearly
squeezed to death; the police won't let us escape along there because
they have to keep the way clear for the dukes to go somewhere they've
been invited to. Oh, dear me I I am glad to get home
out of the "Festivity" crowd !
MR. M.-C. T. So am I, my dear. Oh, here's the collector called for
the extra police and other rates consequent on the festivities. Here are
all the tradesmen's bills come in; they present their compliments, and
have taken the liberty of adding an extra ten per cent, to the accounts,
as "Festivity" time ought to greatly benefit trade. Well, my dear, I
must say I'm very much relieved that it's all over. It seems to me
there has been a vast amount of goodwill, and generosity, and reck-
lessness of expense, and all that." The worst of it is, that it has been
entirely on the part of the Middle-Class Taxpayer.

A Query.
S JUST now the Imperial Institute
Is daily for popular favour a suitor;
Now, pray, would a teacher who there won repute
Be deemed an Imperial Insti-Tutor?

Beyond Camp-are.
WIMBLEDON now is the seat of enjoyment,
So thereto do many now ride or tramp;
There mirth at this moment finds lots of employment,
For iolly camp-anions hang out at the camp.

IF that worn-out fossil, Mr. Newton, were lifted from the bench at
Marlborough Street, and Montagu Williams placed on the seat the pig-
headed crotchet-monger has occupied during a long time past, respectable
women would be able to meander along Regent Street after dusk,
without any fear of being attacked by ruffianly blackmailers. Montagu
is a reasonable man of the world; Newton isn't. For some years we
have occasionally drawn attention to the vile blackmail system that has
been, and is, rife in the West-end, and we are delighted to find that the
abominable iniquity stands a fair chance of being squelched out-at last.
Where have Sir Charles Warren's eyes been since he has been in office?
Has he worn them in his boots ?



-- ----- it ..

JULY 13, 1887. FUN. 19

Take Care! .I---
IT cannot be that anything 3 ,
That we can do or say
Will over to to-morrow fling 4
The acts of yesterday; 2r
They all are registered and done,
But send effects before, P$
And make us say that many a one ,
Is certainly a bore.
You may have told a thumping lie,
That only "white" appeared,
But now seems black enough to dye .
Old time's long silv'ry beard. \
You wish you hadn't been an ass-
But there you've done it now,
And nothing that can come to pass
Will wipe it from your brow !
Why did you offer her your hand ? '
Although your heart was hers-
You knew she'd neither cow nor land,
Nor anything in purse;
Too late this act will wisdom teach,
For you will find she may \ 4
Come down upon you for a breach, iI
And you will have to pay.
Next time you offer to a maid,
Discover one with cash,
And then you needn't be afraid
Your action will be rash. 2-
But even then be cautious still, ,
Consider it with care,
Or very probably you will
Have wed a girl--and hair

By Our Dodd-erer. / ,'i
["Miss Lottie Dodd is the coming tennis player."]
AIR-" Tommy Dodd." \
SHE'S bound to win, when she goes in, ,
Lottie Dodd, Lottie Dodd,
And soon again she will begin,
Lottie Dodd, Lottie Dodd.
When she doth play, they say Hooray !" ...
For Lottie Dodd, Lottie Dodd;
And hence this Tennis-onian lay
In praise of Lottie Dodd .

THERE are tewer children in San Francisco, in propor-
tion to population, than in any American city. Not
many people are blinded by tip-cats out there, and it is
seldom that a marble from a catapult sends an elderly
citizen up to meet St. Peter. Happy land I

Miss Maude de Cresus.--"Now, TELL ME CANDIDLY, MAJOR, HAVE I ANY
Major Batterby Sidestroke (impressively).-" ONLY ONE, DEAR MISS MADDE
-YOU ARE RICH !" [And then she accepted him on the spot, don't you know ?

A "BIG" Naval Review! and am I likely to be going to see it?
Not I. I'm not quite such a fool as all that, I can tell you. I fancy I
see myself posting down to Portsmouth, and breathing the beastly air
from the slums by the Hard. I always did hate Portsmouth, and now
I can't bear the sight of it. Joined to the naval snobs, there are always
a lot of middle-class snobs, that come over from stucco villaed lodgings
in Southsea. Years ago Portsmouth was different. You couldn't walk
down the Hard without tumbling over a drunken sailor. And the
doorway of the Keppel's Head was always filled with "subs," more
or less the worse for drink. But that's all altered. All the blue-jackets
lodge in the Sailor's Home, and never take a drop too much. Of
course they don't. They couldn't think of doing such a thing. I hate
the humbugs who talk this way. Sailors are just the same as ever they
were. If they don't get so drunk as they used to do, it's because they
haven't got so much money to do it with.
I remember that review well enough before the Crimean War, and
old Napier's brag about what he was going to do if the Russians would
only come out and fight him. Only the Russians wouldn't come out
and fight him. There's always a good deal of common sense about the
Russians, Ithink.
You think I should like to see the Review, do you? What pleasure
should I find, I should like to know, in looking at a lot of floating tin-
kettles. I've got a great deal too much common sense for that, I can
tell you. And a parcel of idiots all your modern sailors are. Scientific

are they? Well, he I he that didn't prevent the Agincourt going for
the Bell Rock. It didn't prevent a blow-up, as the Monarch did it.
Don't get talking to me about modern naval science. I'm not such a
fool as to believe in it. Our sailors arc so superior, are they? Why,
the Germans drill their seamen splendidly. They can work their guns
as well as we can ours. TheBismarck is one of thelbest servedships
afloat. And what is the good of our navy. Why, .we don't even go in
for "awing" a few niggers. The French always have a fleet cruising
about Madagascar and Mauritius, just when we ought to have a few
ships, and don't. The Germans always have a lot of ships at the Cape,
so that they could upset us there, and intrigue with the .Dutch folk.
The fact is, we are about the biggest fools alive in all such matters. If
the Navy was worked at all properly, I'd go and see the Review, though
I hate sailors, and always did. But it isn't, I tell you. All our money
goes to buy bad stores, and find Admiralty clerks big salaries. Of
course there's something in Lord Charles Beresford. But you can't
expect over much, can you, of a man who wears'white hats and drives
drags, and wants to cackle in the House of Commons always? I tell
you, the Navy isn't any good at all; and I won't go and see the Review,
confound it. DIOGENES TUBES.

MR. CHARLES MARTYR M'QUEEN, an Australian miser, died of
starvation recently. He was worth over 0o,ooo. The martyr to a
morbid idiosyncrasy has left his relatives plenty to squabble over. This
is a sort of wheeze for impecunious Johnnies to reflect over and enjoy.

e" To CORRESPONDENTS.- The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stanmed and directed envelope.

JULY 13, 1887.


To THE EDITOR OF FUN." SIR,-I saw in your last week's issue some suggestions concerning the course of study to be pursued at a "School for Wives." Allow
me, Sir, to say that a "School for Husbands" would bean institution of far more practical use. I am not speaking without due experience, for I am. Sir,

-' I -'~

W /] --. ,- -. -- = -

Pupils, to qualify for admission, should A course of instruction should be given in cold-mutton eating. The
abandon the nasty habit of smoking, and contrast of this novice with this trained student will show what can be
should burn all their tobacco and cigars. 0 done.
J1li, -i .' I I

Prospective husbands should learn to view with
calmness the sight of their wives' enjoyment in the
society of gentlemen friends.

Ontheotherhand,theyshouldavoidladies'society. They should learn to be handy so as to The School, of course, should always be open for inspection.
To conceal fromthem the artifices of designing flirts, be useful with luggage when travelling
they should get used to wearing blinkers, with their better halves.

Success of the Great Imperial Institute Trick.
As some compute Above all, when
The Institute A host of men
Imperial For such a place
Is so extensive, Won't find the money.
That trying to Howe'er, the Prince,
Tust pull it through At tasks don't wince;
Is critical And swift, no doubt,
And most expensive. As flight of rocket,-
To make it rise Hey presto quick !
Before our eyes He's done the trick,
From vacant space And drawn it out
Seems rather funny- Of John Bull's pocket.



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. u,,e s g-Lancet. GUARANTEED
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proved eflective in all those cases in which we rite as smoothly as a lead pencil, and neither scratch PUREAND
have prescribed it."--MAedical Press. nor spurt, the points being rounded by a new process. SOLUBLE.
Ask your Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Lc o a
29, 4/6, and 11/- f all Chemists.Box, or send 7 stamps to C. BRANDAUER and Co.'s
9, WORK,, BIR MINGH AM; or to their Wholesale BEW ARE OF IMITATIONS.
Warehouse, 24 King Edward Street, London, E.C.
Lonlon: Pinted by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C..
Wednesday, July i3th, x887.


JulY :3, x887,

JULY 20, 1887. FU 2


q1iOlI D "E D8 EOTTS T/'0 MEET -A F oL
LAy w 0o ISISTS j OIN ily E < A DS

-" J- .D.OES/loT Fobrlpist ir's TEIT VVITI b$cctJsTOiEo LED xd T'i F "0oUcirJq 'T

1 15/V, C IosTBE By sploE T sEAvC 8 LT IS IT E El E T O

VOL, XLVI.-NO. 1158,
HE'6i$,O7 FOIS disTE WIAUAcd OM~oLdx T E A D`ROU10 IT



-1 ELJ,


22 FU N JULY 20, 1887.

SHE GLOBE.-Mr. Burnand's
long-expected come-at-last adap-
tation of La Doctoresse is a curious
mixture of good and bad work, of
rdles with inadequate people in
them, and people in inadequate
/ rdles. Not that I lay much stress
upon the latter, by-the-way. I
Stake it the legitimate position of
the actor is that he should play
i parts, and not that parts should
Splay him.
I- And, though the reference is to a he,"
It's also true when spoken of a she."
The first two acts of The Doctor
gradually 'exasperate the hearer
with their poor puns, poorly dis-
guised and mechanically worked
S up to with all the mechanism
showing, till insanity or profanity
,l threaten to supervene. Then all
of a sudden, as it were, the last
S act turns, with a trifling episode
THE GLOBE.-THE DOCTOR. A or so of triviality, to pure com-
PLEASANT DOSE. edy, and, pure comedy being more
in Miss Fanny Enson's line than
the touch-and-goiness of farce, the result is soothing and delightful, if
not very congruous.
IN fact, the last act is thoroughly enjoyable-perhaps in contrast with
the other two, and one goes away with the feelings of a person who has
undergone a painful operation, and to whose wounds the doctor has
applied some soothing lotion-the pain is gone, you are fairly com-
fortable, but you feel that your nerves have had a strain and you are
not quite sure what may come of it.
THERE are a lot of characters in The Doctor, but not many actors and
actresses. Miss Enson's performance is pleasing, lady-like, and refined ;
but for two acts her efforts lack colour for the reason already mentioned.
Mr. Penley's quaint manners and vocal tones are as amusing as ever-
are, indeed, very funny. Misses Featherstone and Cissy Grahame gave
some interest to the respective "servant gals" they represented. Miss
Victor, for once, succeeded in not being very funny, and not at all catch-
ing the Irish brogue, and Mr. W. J. Hill was not un-funny in an extra-
neous and un-funny part. Mr. Hawtrey brought the proceedings to a
conclusion with an unnecessary speech, delivered with unnecessary

DRURY LANE. -If I give only a short notice of Mr. Harris's
triumphant production of Les Huguenots, it is because I feel that the
perusal of nothing but superlatives of an eulogistic character is rather a
tame occupation. How can one be "spicy" with nothing to complain
of, nothing to sneer at, nothing to
be amusingly satirical about?
One can't-even two can't. So '
I am constrained to say that such
a splendid cast, such a rich, taste- '
ful, and artistic mise-en-scene,
and such well stage managed "
crowds have not fallen to the lot.
of this opera within my memory,
and others which are longer.

THE singing of the Reszkes -
does not now require dwelling -I
upon, suffice it that both the
brothers were in "good form" '
(physically as well as artis-
tically); then we had our friend -
Foli (some of whose notes were so
deep that they got out of sight
altogether) as Marcello, Mdme. -
Nordica, excellently dramatic in
the third act as Valentina, Mons.
Maurel, maurel-egant, if possible,
and less wobbly than usual, as
Nevers, and Mdlle. Marie Eagle, DRURYLANE.-MDLLE. ENGLE; WELL-D.-
with her youthful charm, her SERVING OF AN ENGLE-ISH WELCOMe.
sweet voice, and bird- like execu-
tion of florid passages, as Margarita. One grain of salt dispar-
agement I am able to season all this sugar with. Signorina Fabbri's
Urbano, another favourite of mine, made me very unhappy. But any-
body with the faintest shadow of music in his soul, who does not avail

himself of the opportunity (not likely to occur again,) which Mr. Harris
is giving him in this extraordinary season, at the low charge of 12s. 6d.
and less, deserves-well he deserves the deprivation he is inflicting upon

THE ALHAMBRA.-The new ballet here being worthy of more space-
ful record than I am able to give it this week, I propose saying what I
think of it somewhat more in full next week. Meantime I may place
it on the list as being full of character and nice girls, with the additional
information that Mdlles. Zallio, Cormani, and Marie are in it, and that
one, Mdlle. Aouda, makes her first appearance in England therein, and
executes a mauresque dance in a manner likely to elicit exclamations,
such as "Wonderful! delightful! A-ouda thought it?" The variety
corps is a strong one, including as it does, Cinquevalli, Fawn, Camp-
bell, the St. Felixes, the Albert and Edmunds acrobatic combination,
Miss Lydia Yeamans, and Fusee Matilda-I mean VestaTilley.

THE VAUDEVILLE (Morning).-Although too long by an act, and
here and there a sentence, and not over well adapted, Devil Caresfoot, as
presented here by Mr. Charles Charrington, was far from being unin-
teresting or unenjoyable. I am inclined to think this result was obtained
by a sort of triumph of performers over play; but there must have been
some stuff in the play, or the best of acting couldn't have carried it. As
is often the case with adaptations from novels, motives which are clear
enough in the book are inadequately expressed in the stage version,
and I don't think it is a piece
altogether likely to take with
the public, though "you never

THE cast was exceptionally
strong. Miss Janet Achurch once
more displayed her emotional
talent and general command of .
resource, which is so full of pro- .i
mise as to be almost attainment.
I think, myself, her voice will
always be against her, and she has
one or two tricks (not very harm-
ful, perhaps) which jar; but
maugre these, she ought to be
an uncommonly good actress some
day; she has the real delicacy of
touch for comedy already, and it
looks as though the force would
come as soon as she has her re-
sources under fuller control. Mr.
Charrington played well enough, L*
except that he seemed to hold
himself in too determinately, VAUDEVILLE.-ACHURCH AND STAGE
though perhaps he knows best the EFFECT.
extent of his powers. Mr. Royce
Carleton, Mr. Fuller Mellish, and Mr. Charles Dodsworth, played
particularly well, and but that Mr. Eric Lewis appeared in a part which
was rather irritating, his efforts might have gone for more. Miss
Carlotta Addison as one more "adventuress," Miss Fanny Brough as one
more demurely comic personage, and Mrs. Carter as one more Irish
person, played those parts just as well as they could be played, and no
less. Continued plaudits greeted the fall of the curtain (I mean nothing
invidious), and the adapters, Messrs. C. Haddon Chambers and J.
Stanley Little received, and accepted, the honour of a call.

NoDS AND WINKS.-Mr. William R. May sends us his Syllabus of
Lectures and Entertainments for the present (his eighteenth) season.
They comprise two new illustrated entertainments of current interest
Our Queen and Country, and Departed Worthies of the Victorian Era.
His scientific and other subjects cover a wide field, and have already been
found generally successful and acceptable.-H.I.H. the Princess
Victoria of Prussia, Prince George of Wales, and suite, witnessed the
performance of Ruddigore at the Savoy on the 9th inst.-H.I.H. the
Crown Prince of Germany, H.I.H. the Hereditary Princess Charlotte
of Saxe-Meiningen, with the German Ambassador, Count Hatzfeldt and
Countess in attendance, did likewise the same on the 13th.-Miss Violet
Melnotte was to produce The Colonel at the Comedy on the I8th, I
believe. If she has, I shall have something to say about it next week;
if she hasn't, I shall have to wait until she does.-There's a performance
this afternoon (Wednesday) at the Opera Comique, for the benefit of
Miss Woodworth's ";Buttercups and Daisies "fund.-Fiorina is said to be
the title of the next opera-bouffe to be produced at the Comedy. Mr. P.
Bucalossi has composed it.-The Novelty Theatre will shortly revert to
" the profession," under the guidance of Miss Harriet Jay, who will (I
shouldn't wonder) produce something by Mr. Robert Buchanan, who
(I shouldn't wonder) will write to the papers about it I NESTOR.



'" t
J.7. ; 0.,

- .Cj ..

ytou seem now to prefer `8ultseye s"to "A7sses.






A Cheerful Companion to the
rth. Birthday of Dr. Watts, who taught
How doth the little busy bee"
Do nothing but the thing she ought-
That is, make sweets for you and me.
ith. His own infallibility
Pronounced this day by Pio Nono;
The world beyond the Holy See,
Not "seeing it," observed, "Cui
bono ?"
)th. This day was crown d, in 'twenty-one,
The fat "first gentleman in Europe ;"
A weak, good father's wicked son,
Who never was his country'ssure hope.
)th. Gibraltar the impregnable," this day,
We storm'd, and likewise took from
To whom, whatever moralists may say,
'Twould be a loss to give it back
tst. This day Lord William Russell's head
Was taken by a fishy tale
Of plotting, at the Rye House bred,
Where 'Arry goes to fish, by "rail."

jhe Co~p'et


22nd. The Union with Scotland fix'd,
And now as bright and frisky
As aqua pura deftly mix'd
With quantum suff of whisky.
23rd. Beershops, in eighteen-thirty, first
Were licensed and set going;
To which, some hold, the very worst
Of British ale-ments owing.
24th. 'Twas not till eighteen-fifty-one
Our window-tax was lightened;
And still, at seeing light and fun
So cheap, some folks are frightened.
25th. Mellifluous Coleridge this day died;
In memory read his "Love," and
Christabel ;"
His tragedy pray put aside-
To add Remorse to his would not
be well.
26th. This day, in eighteen-fifty-eight,
Were Jews to Parliament admitted;
Where, with their Christian friends, of
They've led the lives of rats when
27th. This day was well-fam'd Thomas Camp-
bell born,


Whose works, you'll find, are yet
worth reading. [scorn
In fact, you might with better reason
One-half of later "light and leading."
28th. Red Robespierre, whom Carlyle called
Tasted, this day, the singular sensation
Transmitt'd by his favorite guillotine-
Capping his work by his decapitation.
29th. This day, that wicked man Fieschi
Exploded a machine he meant to
Louis Philippe, but only found thepesky
Explosive settle his own clumsy bash.
30th. This day died "Inj in-besting" William
A model for each would-be new state-
Mildest and most methodical of men,
No Methodist he was, because a
31st. St. Helena discovered, fifteen-two;
Napoleon sent with orders to abide
And, finding he had nothing else to do,
Grew fat and dull, and ultimately died

JULY 20, x887.



se / \e feA, t a some of
blo are shoo7 ofF'y Pp fA0

. 1Z F rYie /e
'IA .*I c~" oY~'

r UY

-5.' K


_ I




24 FIU N JoLY 20, 1887.



"ALLAN QUATERMAIN" takes first place in Longman's, but the
other places are worthily filled.-In The English Illustrated Mr. Hugh
Thomson is not at his best in "Old Hook-and-Crook." The most
satisfactory pictures are by Mr. P. Macnab.-In Scribner's, "The Phy-
sical Proportions of the Typical Man deserves attentive study. The
Thackeray Letters are continued, and there are "Some Illustrations
of Napoleon and his Times."-" Refuge Island" is the title of the
Summer Number (profusely illustrated) of Household Words. Excellent
Summer Numbers are also issued with The Boy's Own Paper and The
Girl's Own Paper.-The Leisure Hour and The Sunday at Home rely
upon their unalterable good qualities.-" The Early Work of George
Cruikshank" forms the chief topic of interest in The Manchester Quar-
terly.-The last-issued volume of Men and Women contains portraits


and memoirs of many of the prominent celebrities of the day.-No. I of
The Intelligence Quarterly is a marvel of comprehensive and complete,
though compressed and concise, intelligence about "London and its
Suburbs," and gives a good key to unlock the mysteries of its seventy-
five maps.
"Walks in the Ardennes," by Percy Lindley, illustrated by Julian
Weedon (125 Fleet Street). What Mr. Lindley formerly did so well
and so worthily for our own Epping Forest, he has now done for the
beautiful "Ardennes." It could scarcely be done better.-" The Sea-
Bathing Guide," by William Abbotts, M.D. (Geo. Pitman), fifteenth
annual edition. Much excellent advice is obtainable from this book;
particular attention may be directed to the remarks on deafness.-" The
Reign of Error" (J. Cheetham). The authors of this work have strung
together numerous pieces of caustic and clever verse on events of the
day; it forms altogether amusing, pleasant and profitable reading.


I WOULD that I lived by a stream,
Where, lulled by the ripples, I'd find
Existence to pass like a dream,
In quiet and comfort resigned.
How nice to go drifting along
In a boat, with a capital book;
Or, humming some quaint rustic song,
To angle awhile in the brook.
And yet, after all, it might fill me with care
To find such a number of water-rats there !
I would that I lived in a mead,
And could roll here and there on the grass,
Then life would be pleasant, indeed,
And the hours would most pleasantly pass.
How the daisies would dazzle my eye,
And the buttercups fill me with glee;
And I'd smile as the birds hurried by,
Or obliged me with songs on the tree.
Yet, now I remember, rurality brings
A lot of annoyance from insects and things.
I would that I lived in a cot,
A rural and picturesque place,
Ensconced in a flower-decked spot,
Where there wasn't of London a trace.
No rumbling of 'busses and trains,
No patter of hurrying feet,
No shouting, no swindles, no shams,
No danger in crossing the street.
And yet, after all, I might grumble, alas !
To find there no playhouse, no shops, and no gas !
I would that I lived by the sea,
To gaze on the waves as they rolled
And gambolled in frolicsome glee
On the shingles wherever I strolled.
To go now and then for a sail,
To be varied at times by a row;
How the ozone I'd gladly inhale,
And trifle with Neptune and Co.
Yet that involves more mal-de-mer than I wish,
Besides, there's the smell of salt-water, and fish !
So perhaps, after all, I may find
The metropolis isn't so bad;
Although it is often maligned,
There are pleasures in town to be had.
And so, while in London I'm pent,
I'll wrinkle my visage with smiles;
Oh, yes, I'll be very content,
And glory in smoke and in tiles.
Its picturesque places I'll view by the hour-
For those grapes in the country are awfully sour I

Private and Confidential.
OLD Mr. Hubbard,
He went to the cupboard,
As Members of Parliament can;
But when he got there,
He had rather a scare-
They had made him a Peer, poor man!

A Marine Curiosity.
FROM a report of the Royal Cinque Ports Yacht Club
Regatta we learn that "Neptune burst a bobstay." As
seaman are not generally supposed to wear braces, what
can this mean ?

JULY 20, 1887,


MONDAY, IIth July.-Lords, having sent Irish Land Bill to Com-
mons, the latter, by way of a quid pro quo, send up Crimes Bill-that



is to say, Brimstone goes up, and Treacle down. Gladparnellites say
Brimstone bound not to go down any way. Natural order of things still
inverted in the East. Wolff still remains inside Turkey.
Commons.-Sir Wilfrid very much concerned at fact that certain Peers
have been interfering in elections, in spite of Sessional Order. Wilfrid
opines that though Peers may lend their countenance to candidates, they
should not be allowed to lend their carriages. Scandalised by having
seen or heard of a chimney sweep being driven to poll in a carriage and
pair. Thinks it unsootable. Apparently thinks prospect of being
driven to the poll in a carriage, with a coronet on its panels, an irresistible
snare to plebeian voter. Certainly a retrogade movement in politics, if
Salisbury adopted tactics of Brougham.
Tuesday.-Lord Salisbury, having been this morning misreported,
calls attention to the acoustic properties, or, rather, defects, of the
Upper House. Double entendre in the Hear, hears" that follow.
Commons.-Land Bill arrives. Dillon lands it. New Writ issued
for Brixton, vice Ernest Baggallay, who gets his "bit of fat" in
magistrate's seat at West Ham.
Wednesday.-In Supply. Ellis objects to vote of 21,150 for har-
bour at Holyhead, on grounds of rocks ahead. Suggests blast the rocks,
and isn't called to order. Dillon objects to 450 per annum for coal
for Chief Secretary's Lodge in Phoenix Park. Certainly this item rather
a warm one. Looks as if silk was burned instead of silkstone. Grate
extravagance. Bulk of House leave Supply for Sydenham. In fact,
House returns to Runnymede fashion and in Crystal Palace grounds
sits in the open. Oratorical fireworks give place to superior shell by
Brock-in fact House, like Irving, has its Brocken night.
Thursday.-Lords busy with Bill to protect Pat from Moonlighters
and Parnellite Moonshine. Randy round again. This time assists the
Rads in onslaught on Irish Land Bill.
Friday.-Lords sit late and rise early. Only apparent object of
sitting, to get up again. Commons, on the contrary, at it from "morn
till dewy eve." In fact, two performances, one a matinee of the scream-
ing farce Supply. John Bull, finding his Civil Service expensive,
wonders it isn't a bit more civil.

For Wheel(men) or Wo(men).
[A new book on Bicycling Travels, by Herr Karl Kron, has just been issued.]
THE volume just penned by Karl Kron
Should not inspire sayings ironical,
Though the book he would have us all con
Were more fitly described as a Kron-icle.

A LADY named H. Brooke-Davies advocates a Kitchen College for
ladies being started, "with exhibitions, scholarships, and diplomas."
We dote on, and revel in good cooking. But there is a bare possibility
of too many cooks spoiling the broth, and spoiling it badly, too.

Quite too Bald-erdashing.
[In a recent article on baldness it was gravely stated that baldness is to become
fashionable; that the coming man is to be bald, and that the ladies will like him all
the better for it.]
A RUM thing is Fashion, as doubtless you know,
If with ladies you've happened to mix;
But sometimes with men Fashion often doth show
Certain strange and fantastical tricks.
It affecteth the hat, and the coat, and the trou-
(Beg pardon, that word is recalled),
And to poor trembling man fickle Fashion says now-
"'Twill be soon a la mode to be bald."
They say that one Shakespeare, a man who wrote plays,
Had no wool on the top of his head,
And that many bald men have won Fame's brightest bays
(They'd no hair, so they wore bays instead),
Why, a certain royal personage (never mind whom,
Simply Bertie" we'll let him be called),
Hath a scalp on which somehow the tresses won't bloom,
And therefore he's ranked with the bald.
Now those who are lockless, or getting that way,
Will hail the new fashion with glee;
But what can such people as FUN and I say,
Who have locks most luxuriant to see?
Are we to be shorn of our ambient curls?
If so, won't the fair sex be galled ?
Our hair (FUN'S and mine) is adored by the girls,
So how can we dare to be bald ?
Yet I find Fashion saith (and who dare disobey
The laws which she kindly lays down?)
That the Coming Man,'if he'd be dashing and gay,
Must be smooth as an egg on the crown;
And wouldd seem that the ladies will like him the more,
Instead of appearing appalled ;
So if with the sex, you and I, FUN, would score,
We must straightway arrange to be bald.


"YOUR NOSE SAYS, No, YOU ARE NOT."-LOve's Labour's Lost,
Act V. Scene 2.

]FTTU N .-JULY 20, 1887.


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28 IFUT JULY 20, IS87.

~ /^ IR,-When you've been to thought
inclined, pray has it never crossed
your mind (and brought a sadness
to your phiz) to think how wrong
one often is? How often one is
/ in that plight, when one has
7/ thought one's self so right? When
one was certain that one knew,
and everything confirmed that view
with what you'd call a power im-
mense of circumstantial evidence.

STime convict you of the fearful
crime, and show, with confirma-
tion strong as proof of Holy
Writ," you're wrong, just where
Sil you felt so sure and bold, I ask
you, Ain't you rather sold ?"
S At any rate, I now report that
I'm a victim of that sort, and now
there's not in all the town a party
~ who's more crumbled down. It
seemed as sure as sure to me we'd
finished with the Jubilee. We'd
seen the Abbey show from pews, we'd had our more expensive views
from windows small and near the sky, with price and situation high;
the Colonies across the seas had told of their festivities; with garden
parties and reviews; with Christians, Pagans, Peers, and Jews; with
bitter beer and half-and-half; with comic coins to make us laugh; with
bonfires on the tops of hills, and forking out to pay the bills, we'd done
our best to celebrate the blessed thing with proper state, and when the
day at length was past, we said, "Hooray It's gone at last." But
had it gone? It hadn't. No. It takes a doosid time to go, and,
sad to say, the dream's dispelled entirely by the meeting held this very
week at Sandown Park-the summer one-and what a lark !-and
p'r'aps I might say, what a spree-they're calling it "The Jubilee "
Well-things may be just as they ought, and so the prophet plunged
in thought, and, if you please, here's what he makes at last, about
DID you ever get the notion in your head
That you're dead
On as good a thing as anyone can see ?
Did you ever think Gay Hermit
(Mr. Manton's as they term it)
Ought to Celebrate a merry Jubilee?
Did you ever think it worthy of remark,
As a lark,
To advise a man to put his very sark"
On the probable successes
As invariably blesses
Any animal that's christened Button Park ?
Would anyone on earth, do you suppose,
Pull your nose
Out of the people's business when it's there ?
Merry Duchess, now, what say you,
Do you think that she'll repay you,
If you back her all you're up to here and there ?
But you ought to set a little bit of store,
By Claymore,
You may even think a something of Reve D'Or,
But the party in my gizzard
Is the one they call The Lizard,
And I think he is the animal to score.
To take you well through thin and thick, I think that tip will do the
trick, so take it, Briton, Pole, or Russ, and thank the great

Now why in the name of common sense a man wants to try to
keep a garden in the suburbs, I can't make out. I've been stopping
down Hampstead way and seeing plenty of gardening. Bah I If the
air isn't good you can't grow flowers at all, and there's an end of it.
And if it is good, and you do grow the flowers, the boys come and lug
them up by the roots, so there's an end of it all that way. London
back gardens are places for cats to go and die in. London front gar-
dens are only good to train boys to commit petty larceny. Since there
are such an infernal lot of new flowers, too, I don't care to see your
attempts at gardening. Fifty years ago a mechanic who had a front

garden only had in it southern wood, and London pride, and lilies of
the valley, and sweet williams, mixed with a podge of broken crocks
and bottles to look like a fernery. Why, I've seen front gardens now
in the East of London with geraniums in them that might be sent to a
flower show. It's perfectly disgusting; the lower orders ought all to
be made to know their place even in the matter of flowers. A bit of
gravel in front with a laurel in it, and a bit of railing in front of that so
that the eats can look through comfortably and see the cat's-meat man
coming in the distance-that's my idea of a London front garden.
They have actually had the impudence, too, to ask me to subscribe
something extra for flowers for the garden of the square here. As if I
was going to make the place more ornamental, so that a parcel of young
fools may go canting and philandering about. Not I. There's a
great deal too much nonsense talked about flowers, I say. What
with Dickens, and cripples looking at flowers in blacking pots,
we have a great deal too much nonsense I say, and I hate to
hear it. And to let a lot of dirty-faced children, too, go hoycutting
about the Temple Gardens and Lincoln's Inn Fields It's perfectly too
ridiculous! Children did without so much fresh air in my time, and
got along well enough too; and if they didn't, people had the sense not
to bother about it, and then they weren't bothered about your "surplus
population" as they are now. People, too, in the suburbs, now have
gone in for painting their houses all sorts of ridiculous colours. "It
looks bright," they say, "with plenty of flowers in the windows."
That's to say, they like to make their places look like roadside inns with
tea gardens attached. I positively detest such utter balderdash. The
rage there is, too, for sticking those beastly marguerites everywhere is
positively idiotic. Why, in my time, no one would condescend to look
at them, much less smell them. Nasty foul weeds, I say. And they
cultivate marigolds and wild geraniums, and try to make believe they
look well. I'd like to have all those aesthetic front gardeners hanged.

Tommy Atkins.-" What a bit o' luck, Mary. I'm going to get
my Corporal's Stripes."
Mary.-" Lor, Thomas, what have you been doing? I suppose
you mean you're going to receive Corporal Punishment."
[Tommy explains, and Infantry Exercise continued.

JULY 20, i887. FUN. 29

In the Swing. i'
'Tis gladdening to find the Queen i
The centre of a sunny scene,
Withdrawing, as it were, the screen, S I I .i NO
That sheltered her in privacy. -- I
In London, and at Windsor, too, i i, I
And at the Aldershot Review, I In
She lately has aroused anew '
Our sentiments of chivalry.l ( i Is '
Lastly, at Hatfield's gathering -
She's gone and done the proper thing,, i
By getting well into the swing I i
Of wholesome, mild festivity. s i I
So now that she has grown to see l
How nice these little jaunts can be, o V
We happily may hope that she
Will cultivate more company.
For nobody can fairly doubt, u i
When she goes in for coming out,
There must be something good about
Her celebrated Jubilee.

Whitewash. "
Now, for just one glass of sherry,
Then we'll go up to the ladies.
We should have thankful hearts-
For the fine vintage of Cadiz;
And for the generous berry
Out of which this liquor made is;
It does one good to be merry-
And to this end it an aid is !
Now, for just one glass of sherry,
Then we'll go up to the ladies.
Never drunk such "Tom and Jerry ONE OF THE RIGHT SORT.
It the best brand in the trade is;
Dry as the region of Hades I MISTRESS."
Now, for just one glass of sherry, Swell Cook.-" WELL, 'M, NOT WORDS-NOT ADZACTLY WHAT YER MIGHT CALL WORDS, 'M.
Then we'll go up to the ladies. I ON'Y SPOKE TO 'ER AS ONE LADY MIGHT TO ANOTHER"

THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN CAMP. Maintenant, ze heat is so much, zat von require not much to eat, but
more to drink; so zat after all ve take care of ze inner man. And from
M. LE RaiDACTEUR DE FUN,-Encore have I been to your Vim- ze bottom of my heart I say, Vive le Vimbledons /" For vy-it is
bledon's for vy, share, because it vas ze Vimbledon of Jubilees, and zare- zare zat John Bull gets up his (s)team, it is zare he teach his young idea
fore I vas sure it vould be Vimbledon out of, as vell as on, ze Common. how to shoot. Vile his young John Bulls are so sure at ze butts,
I ask Jollidogue how sall ve go. He reply, "Go to Puttiney." I tell vraiment, it vill not pay annozare nation to make butt of John Bull.
him go to Puttiney himself, I am intent zat I vill see zis Camp. Jolli- Zare is von "highest possible" vich ze whole force scores-zat is saze
dogue say how I am ze biggest scamp he know to make pun so vile; but ze "highest possible praise." At Vimbledon ze only fight is ze fight of
I do not comprehend Jollidogue, I sink he have vat you call read sham, vich vind up in so much ozzare cham. Take for it my vord, share,
" between ze lines." Anyhows, ve go to Vimbledon, and I take in my if evare your volunteers are called into action in earnest, ze vorld vill
pocket ze packet of eyes of ze bull zat zey say are so much desired zare. see zat vich it vill see, and zat vill be somesink it has nevare seen before,
I also taks vit me a few ounce of balls of brandy. -ze brows of Britannia vill be crowned vit zet annozare laurel.
I am settled down in ze tent of Jollidogue, in ze camp of his corps.
Zey are Jolligood fellows," and zare is amongst zem plenty of esprit
de corps-ze esprit is Irish cold, sometimes Scotch. Zey are so full of A Seasonable Letter.
zis esprit, zat I sink zey are combination cf ze London Irish and London
Scottish. Jollidogue is nearly almost very qvite alvays at ze range-I am DEAR MUSTER EDITER,-Oi hev herd from a side-wind as ow the
at ze range of kitchen, because for zat I cannot shoot zey make me cook. hot weather hev hafflicterd some of your comick young men's hinternals,
For vy I cannot shoot is zat I am not volunteer, and vy I am not volun- so Oi begs as you will hold on taut a bit, and read 'em this ere littel
teer is zat because I represent, share, your vorld-vide journal-I am sonnat as Oi've wrote, which it is as follows :-
"Press man." But my cooking is spoiled, because ze vilains zey HEXPERIENTIA DOSE-IT.
deceive me. Von time zey go out to shoot at ze deer vich runs, and I O know full well a sluggish liver
say to myselves, Bon to-morrow ve vill have venison." But zey come Dew make a man tew groan and quiver,
home viz no deer at all, except the charming Mees Jollidogue, who, Ashore or far afloat, O I
vit lots of ozzare nice girl, come to visit ze camp. But when Oi'm queer,
Encore, von day I promise myselves vild fowl, because Jollidogue Oi stops moy beer,
he say he go shoot at ze pool. He return. I demand vat he have shot And takes 'Vegetable Moto.'
-have he brought home vild duck? He say no, but he have secure "Yewrs trew blue, A MARGATE BOATMAN."
good big stake. I demand esteak of beef-zat is good, zat is somezink
vich out of his firing I can put in ze frying-pan. Zen Jollidogue and
his comrades mock zemselves of me. I lose my tempares. I say A CORRESPONDENT states that to be in good form one should not put
dam nonsense, if zey vill not bring back ze deer zat run, nor ze vild fowl in an appearance at a New York theatre until after the first act. Idiocy
from ze pool, zey might, au moins, zey might bring into camp some of is pretty rife in New York at present. Nearly all the asylums for
ze magpies or duck's eggs so many of zem have got. imbeciles are full up, according to all accounts.

30 F U N JULY 20, 1887.


The Bore of the Iron Road.
ONE feels for them who do complain
Of the nuisance produced by the railway train,
Whose whistle shrieks both long and loud,
As it runs by their houses that stand in a crowd.
No doubt wouldd take a course of years
To render the sound sweet unto their ears;
But let them mind what ills betide
The luckless ones also that ride inside.
Happy, indeed, will be the day
When passengers find they're able to say
That railways ne'er do aught but please,
And are careful of everyone's comfort and ease.
When engines cease to let off steam,
As you're waiting near, with a stifled scream;
When carriages they never cram,
And the porters don't shut-to the doors with a slam
When draughts ne'er come to chill your feet
On a floor that is scrupulously clean and neat,
And trains do not commit the crime
Of always evading their stated time ;
When carriage lamps burn up so bright
That you're able to read by the aid of their light;
And, if the brake is set to work,
The stoppage don't shake you about with a jerk;
When funnels belch no smoke on high,
And the smuts don't in at the windows fly;
And signals move as sure as eggs,
And you hear of no mangled heads or legs;
When all these things have come to pass,
A blessing on railways, say I ; but, alas I
Apart from whistling noise, the train
At present gives plenty of cause to complain !

The Stick.
I CUT my stick-'twas in a tangled wood,
And from a blackthorn tree of goodly size.
My pocket-knife was small, but it was good,
And slowly trimmed the stick, till to my eyes
It seemed to be all that a blackthorn should !
I looked upon it, therefore, as a prize;
And in an indolent and happy mood
I sat me down, and, uninclined to rise,
I cut my stick.
Far oft a man appeared; and by his guise
I knew him for a keeper and he would
Consider what I'd done as injuries;
P'r'aps punish me !-I fled !-fast as I could
I went I-in fact, again, and it was wise,
I "cut my stick !"

AN old Virginia law which has been regarded as obsolete for many
years has been revived lately. This curious statute imposes a fine of
fifty pounds of tobacco on any healthy man who stays away from church
for four consecutive Sundays. As there is no law against smoking in
the sacred edifices over there, reprobates calmly attend divine services,
sit in the galleries, light up pipes, and take a pleasant bird's-eye view
of the worshippers below.
DURING an aerial ascent at Oskaloasa, Iowa, which took place
recently, the balloon collapsed at the height of 700 feet. The remains
of the aeronaut were scraped up with a small fire shovel, and buried in
a band-box.

A PHILOSOPHICAL money-lender lost a fifty-guinea watch the other
night by having his pocket picked. On discovering his loss, he remarked,
with much sangfroid, Vell, vell-live and let live: that's my matter,
help me, Moses, it is."

THE inhabitants of the Holy Land are beginning to use soap for
ablutionary purposes. They also are gradually finding out that sapon-
aceous matter eaten in large quantities, even when supplied from the
big factory in Jerusalem, is apt to "lay cold on the stummick."

A SHORT while back a candidate for Parliamentary honours entered
the house of a chimney-sweep, and shook by the hand with infinite com-

plaisance all the human inhabitants down to a little dirty child sitting
in its wicker chair. The ramoneur's good lady, disgusted with this too
obvious coaxing, went to a dog which lay snoring in a corner, and, giving
it a kick, said, "Get away, Bruiser, yer varmint; he'll be wantin' to shake
hands with you next."

PRINCE EDWARD OF SAXE-WEIMAR has issued a ukase forbidding
military bands to play in Dublin on the Sabbath. This German Jack-
in-office is too fond of giving himself airs. He's had to play pretty low
at times, though, in order to gain any position at all. Pious man !

JEAMES says that Prince Albert Victor, who has hitherto proved
himself to be a bit of a cub, is gradually becoming polished-on the top
of his lime-juiced little cranium. Poor young chappie, does this come
through over-work?

A GAVANZO farmer found much difficulty in obtaining sufficient water
to irrigate his land; so he bored a sixty-foot well, put in a cheap pump,
fixed up a huge family swing, and connected it to the pump by an iron
rod. His youngsters now draw up quite as much water as he requires,
but they don't know they are working. 'Cute man I

AN expert in nazography declares that a pale nose usually belongs to
the selfish, cold-hearted man; whilst the highly-coloured boko is cha-
racteristic of the sanguine temperament usually possessed by the man
who is hopeful that a free drink is looming in the distance.

JULY 20, 1887.- FUN. 31



"The Very Button."
AN elderly glutton,
Fond of Welsh mutton,
Oft busted a button ;
And his anger was awful to see !
At last his wife put on,
G. and C.'s "Very Button."
He still eats Welsh mutton,
But he never now utters a D I

MR. J. W. PALMER, of 281 Strand, the great authority on stamps,
has issued a Jubilee Medal which puts the Mint authorities to the blush.
According to a contemporary, "the likeness of Her Majesty is really
good," which is more than can be said anent the new coins. Mr. Palmer
has already done good Government service by his clause in the Stamp
Act; and now he has again shown that he can medal, not muddle.

The Theatrical Manager Outwitted.
"Owing to the Jubilee celebrations and the exceptionally fine weather, the theatres
have been almost deserted lately."--Daiv Paper.]
HILST sounds of joy rever-
-=7 berate
Throughout our crowded
The London manager alone
No glad rejoicing greets.
The early spring no season
To crown his specula-
He cast his hopes for better
Upon the "Jubilation."
S But in the Royal Show he
A rival, not'a friend;
IHO U i l W And now, in deepest dud-
HO U E geon, he
SHis days would gladly
ST 1The summer sun has proved
a foe
With whom he cannot
That it will rain, or hail, or
Is now his only hope.

POLTWATTLE has minded a lot of things in his time. Mrs. P. says
he can mind most things but his own business, but she has no business
to say that. On the occasion in question, he undertook to look after
the post office round the corner for a few minutes.
A lady was his first customer. She wanted a penny stamp, and
brought a sovereign. Poltwattle pointed out to her that "the postmaster
is neither obliged to give change nor authorized to demand it." But he
gave it, and then she went off with an indignant sniff and her nose in
the air.
The next was a girl who wanted to cash a P.O.O. She had signed
it "Jane Arris." Poltwattle put it to her that the advice spelt the
surname "Harris." She said, "Yus, I know! I allus spells it this
way, though, 'cos I can't make a capital H."
Then came a youth with a big brass watch chain and two dummy
diamond rings. He wished to open an account in the Savings' Bank.
Writing in the form of declaration, he did not fill up the space opposite
"occupation." Peter P. explained that unless he did, the rules of the
department would not permit the account to be opened. After much
hesitation, and argument, and whispering, he admitted he was errand
boy at a grocer's, of which he was undoubtedly ashamed.
The next customer was a young woman who wanted "a postifical
order for three and sixpence, please."
Then he had to attend to a fair young fellow in fluffy whiskers and a
hurry, blushing violently, with a telegram to "Mrs. Fairburn, Monthly
Nurse, 6o0 Coborn Road, Bow Road, E. Please come at once "
"Will that go for sixpence ? Peter P. said It will, if you leave out
'monthly nurse.'" The young man blushed more violently than ever
and said, I'd rather, please."
The next was a young lady, with a telegram of the following di-
mensions :-
"Miss Campbell, dressmaker, The Elms, 14 Belford Cottages,
Peckham Rye. Mrs. Bastock's compliments, and will you please to
come and measure me for a new dress to-day."
And she put down sixpence for it. It was difficult to convince her
that it ought to have been one-and-two, and that sixpence was only for
twelve words, including address. She knew telegrams were sixpence,
and that was a telegram, wasn't it?" Yes, but- "Very well
then !" Peter suggested condensation. The young lady asked P. if he
would do it for her. He did, and put it :--"Miss Campbell, 14 Bel-
ford Cottages, Peckham Rye. Please come to Mrs. Bastock."
Then a young woman-most of Peter's customers were young women
-came in and handed a letter to him directed to Aberdeen, and asked,
" Pe' sir, will this get there to-night ? It was then 5 p.m.
A very old lady, next, wanted to know if her letter was in time for
the next post ? Peter could not have helped it, if he had had to die for
it, so he said, "No; the next post has just gone." By this time the
postmaster returned, and Poltwattle followed the example of "the
next post" and was "gone too.

"FIVEOCLOQUER" is the word fashionable Parisians use on their
invites to a five o'clock tea. Some add, Plentee nice jamm. "

STo CORRESPONDENTS.- The Editor does not bind itself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stated and directed envelope.


JULY 20, I887.

Sergeant-Instructor (to bold Artillery Volunteer).-" Now, M' LAD, CAN YE IMAGINE AN INIMY'S VISSEL HALF A MILE FROM THE
SHORE?" A. V.-" No, I CAN'T, SIR!"

The Last "Quid."
AIR-" The Last Rose of Summer."

'TIS the last quid of many
Left sadly alone,
All its golden companions
Are changed, and are gone;
No coin of its kindred,
No "fiver" is here,
To burn in tobacco,
Or melt into beer.
I'll not leave thee, thou last one,
All lonely to pine,
As the others have left thee,-
Go seek them in wine.

Thus kindly I scatter
Thy shillings away,
Like those of thy comrades,
To moisten my clay.
So soon as I've changed thee
To silver, alas !
It flies like the sparkle
Of froth in the glass;
I'll seek, when I've spent thee-
If credit's not flown-
What's hard to obtain in
This bleak world-a loan I

SALT Lake, Utah, has been stocked with I,Co,0ooo young shad. An
expert says the shad have not the shadow of a chance of living in the
dead inland sea.

ACCORDING tooofficial orders, the troopships present at the Naval
Review on the 23rd inst. will have to land their passengers by daylight,
before the Fleet begins its much-looked-for illuminations; consequently
it may be fairly assumed that the visitors on board of those troopships
will not be altogether in transports.



Cadbury's '
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JULY 27, 1887. -_NT 33


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O "cop[soL"o-, IT SAT sF T,\ Yo
VOL. XLVI.-NO, 1159

34 FUNT JULY 27, 1887.

THE ALHAMBRA.-Whenever you see a ballet at the Alhambra, you
always think it the best possible production of the kind; and whenever
you see another there, you always think it superior to the previous one.


(Perhaps, to be strictly just, I ought to write "Whenever 1 see a ballet,
etc., always, etc., etc. "; but I've no doubt it is the same with you,
so there's not much harm done, after all, perhaps.) Algeria, the one
just put on, is no exception to this rule, I can tell you.

Algeria, as here shown to us, is obviously the land of music and the
dance (with, perhaps, a little pirate, wine and women thrown in); when
any of the inhabitants are not dancing it is only because they are look-
ing on while other inhabitants occupy themselves in that pastime, and
music goes on all the time. In the first glimpse we get of this favoured
land we observe a youthful sybarite purchasing beautiful slaves in reck-
less profusion, and showing a reluctance to "part" for them, which
shows how near akin are the impulses of untutored barbarism to those
of cultured civilisation. This incident is followed by a dance of lady-
natives, wearing what at first appear to be specimens of the modern
matinLe hat, but on closer observance prove to be water-jars poised upon
the head. The arrival of a dashing corps of the rather epicene soldiery
of the district, who go through a portion of the remarkable native evolu-
tions, under the brilliant Captain Marie, puts an end to these revels,
and anon the water-carrying girls fraternise with the military, what
time a mutual mash springs up between the Captain and the only lady
in the village who wears short skirts.

FOR a time the couple are happy in their mutual affection, and revel
in the joys of jerky gesticulation, tip-toe teetotuming and dreamy
gymnastics; but alas 1 a cloud no bigger than a man's hand is rising,
and presently the storm bursts. Captain Cormani, the leader of the
pirate band, also becomes "mashed" on the short-skirted lady-whose
name is Mdlle. Zallio, by-the-way-but she rejects his advances with
scorn. Captain Marie also interferes, and there is a row until the
police arrive and run them all in before the local Newton, who,
probably finds them not guilty, and reprimands them for it, for none of
them seem to lose their liberty.

BUT the pirate captain is not so easily defeated, and assisted by the
imprudent conduct of the short-skirted lady-who permits him, a total
stranger, to stand her a drink, which immediately gets into her head-
he succeeds in carrying her off to the pirates' lair. But here, I am
bound to say, the lady makes every amend for her previous impru-
dence by remaining staunch to the absent one and deaf to the entreaties
and blind to the blandishments of her captor, although one of the
latter does consist of an endeavour on the part of his accomplices to
tempt her with bargains in drapery, several remnants of a yellow nature
being attractively displayed (once in the shape of a tent) and evidently
offered at an alarming sacrifice. But nothing moves her, not even a
wriggly dance by a large dark woman. Once she goes so far even as to
sit on his chest like the nightmare she is determined to be to him.

RELEASE is at hand, however. A shot is heard in the distance, and
the pirate, with a faithful one or two, promptly flies to his ship in the
offing, leaving his camp and his captive at the mercy of the chivalrous
Captain Marie, who has come to the rescue of his own, his short-skirted

one. So all ends well and picturesquely. M. Hansen is to be con-
gratulated on his invention, M. Jacobi on his music, M. Besche on his
dresses, and audiences on the general result.

THE PRINCESS'S.-Miss Hawthorne has re-opened this theatre with
a highly-coloured melodrama, and a spirited re-introduction of the fee
Shadows of a Great City is presented as a typical American melodrama
of typical American life, and it is a touching proof that a century and
more of separation has not eradicated the instincts of race, for, except
for an occasional you bet," or so, it could pass very well-has passed
very well, often enough-for a typical English melodrama of typical
English life. All the time-honoured characters, from the Jew "fence "
and the two villains-assorted, comic and vicious-to the chivalrous hero,
the good-natured woman of humble extraction, and the starving lady
with the black dress and the baby-how well we know them all I And
then the dialogue- I Well, I suppose there is an audience for this
kind of thing, or it wouldn't be presented so often-not that it is often
presented on this side of the water.

LET'S see, the ingredients are a peculiarly-conducted pawnbroker's
shop, a break out of a facile prison, a child stolen, drugged, flung into
the river, struggled for, dived for, and rescued-a clever and interesting
river panorama (all the scenery is good, a scene on the Harlem River
particularly charming)-a volatile laundress who irons stockings, the
" safe incident (last seen in Pluck) and such like.

MR. J. H. BARNES appears as the sailor-hero, and plays the part
with a freshness and an absence of side which makes it really likeable
for once. Mr. Harry Nicholls is as readily mirth-provoking as usual,
though some of the "jokes" put into his mouth are a trifle grim
and sickly, and there is a touch of newness, too, about Mr. Harry
Parker's Jew, and Miss Mary Rorke is altogether charming.

THE reintroduction of fees already alluded to, and my consequent
non-possession of a programme, prevents my doing full justice to other
members of the cast with whose faces I am unacquainted. The coun-
tenance of the villain, who was a well-played villain enough, on the
usual lines, seemed familiar to me; and the tall, clerical party, with
the good voice and firm manner, who appeared as the usual ludicrous
detective, struck me in that light also. The rather obtrusive efforts of
an exuberant lady who worked hard to get through an Irish part with a
fitful and inadequate Scotch accent, provoked me to inquiry, which
resulted in my recognizing an old friend, whose exaggerations I
heartily forgave for the sake of a good deal of brightness at the bottom
of them.

NODS AND WINKS.-A new five-act melodrama, called The Points-
man, for the production of which Mr. Willard will be added to the
company, will be Miss Agnes Hewett's next venture at the Olympic.
It is by Messrs. Cecil Raleigh and R. C. Carton, authors of The Great
Pink Pearl, and will arrive on the scene early in September.-Mr.

/ v, .- ---e

Walter Slaughter has been engaged by Mr. Augustus Harris as conductor
for the autumn and winter season at Drury Lane. I congratulate them
both. NESTOR.

- ~~ ~_____

JULY 27, I887. FU N 35

Ihjw/s the "fracn "she meant. --hree brace,


WE shall all settle down again now the royalty are all gone. So
much the better. But for the life of me I can't see what the kings and
princes have to do with me, or you, or anybody else. Of course the
Crown Prince is good enough. I remember him. There was that
business of the landing at Gravesend. It was the time when young
women wore any amount of flowers. There used to be pictures about
of the Prince and Princess riding in the glades at Windsor. We weren't
so well stocked with foreign princes then, and thought more of 'em. A
lot of people go and grind up the Almanack de Gotha," and then let
you have the full benefit of all the royal families in the world. That
Jones does that sort of thing. I always feel inclined to kick the beggar
when he begins it. "Do you know that the dear Duchess of Anhalt,
Mecklenburg-Seltzer, was the niece by marriage with the first cousin of
Prince Albert's grandmother? She wore a pink train at the Queen's
coronation." That's the sort of twaddle that some people get up to.
Bah I I ain't disloyal, but some of the business I cannot stand. I
really cannot. Whenever there's a shop rather dearer than any other,
you always see stuck over the door, Bv appointment to Her Majesty,
the Prince of Wales, &c., &c., the King of the Hellenes and the
Emperor of the Kangaroo Islands." If they sold the stuff cheaper one
wouldn't mind the loyalty. If it is loyalty; only it ain't. But all the
royal arms in the world won't make a pair of gloves last if they're bad
kid. However, the princes have to pay for it sometimes.
How about the "addresses" from the Mayors? "The Prince
graciously thanked the Mayor in a few well-chosen words, wishing every
prosperity to Slocum-Podger, and handing the loyal addresses to one of
his suite "-or Sir Tookan Tearem, as the case may be. Now, do you
suppose, as a rational and sane being, that all those loyal addresses are

kept? Jones is a big man in the civic way, and it's my firm and un-
altered belief that he believes all those addresses are solemnly kept, like
the wills at Doctors Commons, and that whenever the Queen or the
Prince feel dull, they take 'em out and have a read at them. I hate
your vulgar scandalmongers and slang paragraphs pitching into the
the royal family; but this sort of thing I cannot stand. As to that sort
of thing, how on earth can ordinary people know what the Queen is
really doing? Does the reporter of the Slocum Podger Gazette play at
cribbage with her every afternoon? No. Then his word doesn't go for
much. Enough's as good as a feast. All the "addressing" is bosh,
and ought to be put a stop to. The people were wild with the Duchess
of Connaught, because she laughed when she first saw a British town
council coming out with an "address." Quite right, too, she's a sensible
woman. Bah, sir I DIOGENES TuBBS,

New Leaves.
"How He Did It." The Story of Harry Furniss's 'Artistic Joke,
told by his 'Lay Figure'" (Bradbury, Agnew & Co.) The "Artistic
Joke" being a thoroughly practical one, this merry extension may
justly be described as a laughter-moving jest upon jest.-" Brother or
Lover," by Agnes Barton (London Literary Society). Though there
may be some few symptoms of the author's inexperience, and though
the incidents are not new, yet the story is told in a simple, unaffected
way, and there are many pathetic passages in it.-" The Cruise of the
Bunch of Roses," by J. W. de Caux (Simpkin, Marshall & Co.) Be-
yond displaying the author's ability, the drift of this "Cruise" seems to
be that there are defects in the laws that govern fisher-life at sea.

36 FIUN. JULY 27, 1887.


"You'ave to be ready for all sorts o' tricks uu the part o' some passenger.. They'll be up to any meanness to prevent you smahhin' their trunks There was one
feller who said, If I 'ave a extremely light trunk the porters will be so pleased that they will spare it;' so he went and'ad a absurd trunk made o' paper. But I wasn't
to be begilea from my dooty that way. I chucked a half-ton trunk atop of it; and you shed ha' seen it then I


IT :4,

" e h- S aa n e s r ea s w e a ei

"Then he says-' I'll 'are a strong 'un as they can't smash, regardless o' weight. It was a pitiful sight to see two mates o' mine a-tryin' their 'ardest to do their
dooty by that trunk; but it wouldn't give I


Then they dropped their effuts sudden, and a light o' triumphant vertew come into their eyes; and they .weighed that trunk, and excessed it fifteen and thrip.
pence. That passenger wrote to the cump'ny, too; and the cump'ny wrote back-' If you will 'ave your boxes so strong and'eavy that our servants can't smash 'em,
we must charge you extry for it.'"
h --

F*UN.-JULY 27, 1887.

\ -
" Ik ': Z
(I' !:


, P'i'. '



,--- ---9~.,




Society Swell (to Popular Actress).-" DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO ON THE
Popular Actress.-" YES, YOU'D DO-' DO' FOR THE MANAGEMENT."

JULY 27, I887,

A Naval Review.
WE know Britannia rules the waves,
And that her seamen are true braves,
And never, never shall be slaves;
But you may take your "davy,"
That, all the same, her splendid Fleet
Is not yet perfectly complete;
While many critics think it meet
To show that guns of style effete,
And ships of build nigh obsolete,
Cannot ensure against defeat,
And management that's indiscreet
Impairs the British Navy.
When things go wrong and rouse up scares
Anent our nautical affairs,
Nobody candidly declares
His fault, and cries peccavi;
The culprit, screen'd by naughty boys,
A strange immunity enjoys
To spend our cash, and this annoys
The country which his aid employs;
For playing with expensive toys
Don't pay, and wastefulness destroys
The credit of the Navy.

MR. STEPHENS, who was returned last week as
Member for the Hornsey Division of Middlesex, is the
well-known writing-ink manufacturer. It is said that
he had an ink-ling that he would be elected, and that
he possessed a strong ink-lination to have a seat in
the House of Commons, as it would probably lead to
an ink-rease of his reputation-which was already
that of a man of (ink) mark.

MONDAY, July 18-Lords.-Crimes Bill. "Third time of asking."
Commons.-More "derangement of epitaphs" by the irrepressible
Dr. Tanner. Long relates to horror-stricken House how the other
evening, on his addressing Member for Mid-Cork, M. for M.-C. "abused
him shocking." Apparently, however little Tanner wants here below,
he doesn't want that little Long. And so Member for East Wilts, in-
stead of putting the Doctor's snub in his pocket, or slanging him back,
comes to the Speaker like a small schoolboy of the sneak genus to his
master, with "Please, sir, Tanner's called me names." And nearly a
whole sitting wasted in consequence.
Tuesday-Lords.-Copyhold Enfranchisement Bill goes through
committee-not intended to abolish rights of manor, but to regulate
manner of rights.
Commons.-Change at last on bill of fare. Irish stew gives place to
Welsh rarebit. Osborne Morgan poses as the Pamell of Wales, and
denounces Government for having changed venue in cases of anti-tithe
rioters, now waiting trial. Technical Education Bill. School Board
apparently turning out, like a machine, thousands of boys and girls with
splendid educations, as if all mankind were intended to be school-
masters; and butchers, and bakers, and candlestick.makers no more
required. But while we have been lavishing pains on the head, the
only pains we have taken with the hands has been to cane them.
This Bill intended to put a tool instead of a pen in the hands of
Young England.
Wednesday.-Supply. Elation in Lobby among Ministerialists.
Glad-Parnellites by no means glad.
From Brixton, like a ton of bricks,
Comes news of crushing spill;
Carmarthen takes the bag of tricks,
And Home Rule rolls down Hill.
The flattering tale at Spalding spoken,
Is banished by the Basingstoken;
While Jeffries joys, Gladstonians grieve,
And o er them fall the shades of Eve.
And Fortune ne'er lets Stephens' (s)lnk.
But hauls him safe on Hornsey's brink;
While Parnell sees, with heartfelt sigh,
His prospects at the Bottoam.lie.
Thursday-Lords.-Powerscourt objects to sham butter being called
butterine; wants it named margarine by Act of Parliament-much
Commons.-Dillon cheers intelligence that small child struck in the
face by a stonelat Westport-offences consisting of being the daughter
of a land-agentand a Protestant. Two more hours wasted over Tanner's

manners. Cui bono ? Home Rulers only rehearsing "Scenes in the
Lobby on College Green."

// 1.

Friday-Lords rusticating in Cottage Gardens Bill.

DURING the month of June 144 tons 2 cwt. of bad fish was seized at
and near Billingsgate Market by the officials. We were going to write
something about smelts to this paragraph, when the editor came in
armed with a heavy ebony ruler, and-but there, let us sink the painful
subject for the present.

A HORSE-DEALER, recently indicted for offences under the Bankruptcy
Act, pleaded absent-mindedness as an excuse for his little discrepancies.
He will not mount a fiery, untamed steed for nearly three months.

- -

JULY 27, 1887. FUN 39

HE was a prisoner of somewhat melancholy mien, whose carriage of
body indicated a deeply-seated sorrow. "Why did you assault your
wife, William Stubbing?"
said the magistrate. "Cosshe
-. ) not only wants to wear the
honmentionables, yer Wort-
chip," replied William, "but
c when I've contrived to get

Sshe dips her hand into my
"*a'l:t pocket and takes all." "What
do you wish for here, Maria
Stubbing?" remarked the
magistrate. "I wants him to
i be manacled to keep the

Maria. "Manacled !" ejacu-
lated William. "Now, do
you hear this, yer Wortchip ?"
"You must not molest her,
William," sighed his Wort.
chip. Take her home, treat
her kindly, andbe particularly
careful never to leave any bad
money in your garments."
Then William was bound over in his own recognizances, and left the
court with a slightly cherubimic expression of countenance.

ALTHOUGH 7,853,787 bunnies have been destroyed in Australia since
the Rabbit Nuisance Act passed, the rabbit plague is on the increase.
Each bunny cost nearly a shilling to kill; so it is not to be wondered at
that the hair of the ratepayers stands on end, and that they cry, Odd
rabbit, there's something wrong somewhere "

A NEW JERSEY citizen, having expressed an opinion that hanging was
rather a pleasant operation than otherwise, allowed his sceptical auditors
to string him up gently to the branch of a tree. On being cut down, he
seemed a bit cut up at finding his notion was quite as much stretched
as his neck.

THE following is a verbatim copy of a written character that recently
came under our notice :-" The baroair, Mrs. Eliza Crump, is of grate
respectability, and his a most exelent dummystick in a confidant capacity.
She nose all sorts of cookary and gets up plane linen. She 'as lived ate
years in her last place, and bare a hummingpeachable carrotter. She is
perfectly sober, and never drinks nothing but what does her good. She
will be found a great accusation for a housekeeper to a singel gentleman,
or would shute a widerwer. The ladey where she last lived gives her
this carrotter, and never would have parted from her but she goes on the

A FRENCH nun has been decorated with the Cross of the Legion of
Honour, for forty years' service in the army ambulances. The general
who conferred the title of Chevaliere on the elderly virgin was so
carried away by his feelings that he kissed her heartily. She seemed
to appreciate the warrior's osculatory performance more than the Cross,
and looked the very reverse of cross during the Platonic embrace.

A NEGRO who was recently hanged for murder in America was allowed
to make a show of himself for some days before his execution, visitors
being charged five cents per head. The gate money, which amounted
to a considerable sum, was expended on as sable a funeral as the
blackest black could wish for.

A SCOTCH magistrate recently sentenced a female pauper to sixty
days' imprisonment for playing the giddy ox in the workhouse. The
F. P., on hearing the sentence, expressed a very fervent hope that the
Bailie would be a "stiff-'un" by the time she came out, whereupon the
"beak" gave her thirty days more. Being a superstitious man, he
wished to stretch her days, and his own.

NINE policemen in Paris have been put under arrest for fiercely re-
fusing to go on duty in a locality where most of the maid-servants are
plain-looking and mean in their production of hot and cold tid-bits.
There is no other sign of wild mutiny or general disorder among the

SEVERAL moral reform societies in New York demand a law prohibit-
ing the sale of tobacco in any form to youngsters under sixteen years,
except upon the written order of a parent or guardian. The moral
reform societies must be held responsible for the manufacture of juvenile
forgers, if their wish is acceded to.

(Extract from the Diary of an Unbiassed Foreigner.)
sONDAY.-It has
rained steadily
and unceasingly
for five weeks.
Everything in
sowe o doors and out is
entirely wrapt
t in tall green
mildew. The
rain has just
A ceased. I take
i s the opportunity
h to venture out
S for a stroll. l
come upon a
farmer looking
Sie anxiously at the
N sky. He mur-
murs-" A nice
shower 'ud do a power o' good just now."
TUESDAY.-The entire land is one deep morass; but it has not rained
since it ceased yesterday. I come upon the farmer again. His face is
anxious. He murmurs, "This dry weather won't do for my root
crops," and shakes his head gloomily.
WEDNESDAY.-It has not rained since Monday. The farmer sits on
a still-damp stone, glaring at ruin. The water-supply of the chief cities
has begun to fail. There are articles in all the papers, filled with dismal
THURSDAY.-It still does not rain, The farmer has been sold up,
gone mad, committed suicide, turned dust contractor, and emigrated to
Newfoundland. The greatest suffering prevails in the cities on account
of the drought. Prayers for rain are general.
FRIDAY.-The drought continues. The Irish-Americans are col-
lecting subscriptions to relieve the distress in Great Britain; but there is
little hope.
SATURDAY.-It has not rained for five days. Great Britain no longer


"WHAT IS IT THOU DIDST SAY? "-Tempest, Act II. Scene I.

40 FUN. JoY sy, 1887.
----i- ---i---I

ANY of the chief
incidents of the
Naval Review
are wrapped, to
a great extent,
S- in uncertainty.
SIt is in many
cases difficult to
Sglean from the
--le very conflicting
evidence the
true version of
Sae.t Mrthe story, or to
Scascertain to
be- bae whom blame
Z.ch should be at-
tached. Ourre-
porter has been
round to a few
of the principal
parties implicated.
Statement by Mrs. Binter Lookattit.
Of course, it may be that I am nervous and silly, as Binter always
says; and if one is naturally so that is all about it, and surely is not to
be blamed for it; but I felt sure serious consequences would happen
when he first proposed to go. If there weren't the case of the royal
yacht going ahead stern foremost there would still be the case of the
Devastation getting herself Ajaxed."
But Binter would go: he is so foolhardy; and it really was only
the moment we started on the special fast saloon steamer, Captain Jinks,
I kept saying to Binter every five minutes, "I feel convinced, Binter,
that one or two of the fleet will arrive at Spithead, and then goodness
alone knows what will happen." From the moment we took up our
station on the line, I was as nervous you cannot conceive, expecting
every minute something dangerous would come in sight-an ironclad
or something. But I got more easy as hours went by and nothing could
be seen of the fleet; and I do believe everything would have passed oft
quietly and safely, if it hadn't been for a sudden rumour that a royal
yacht was somewhere in the offing.
You should have seen how pale everybody turned in an instant !
Then someone sighted a black thing going wildly round and round,
wrong end forwards ; but it turned out to be only a mad porpoise, so
we got home in safety after all. But "never again," as I said to
Binter, "while British supremacy is rampant on the deep !"

Statement of the Admiral of the Finsbury Fleet.
Once for all I repudiate any share in the blame. If you ask me how
it all happened, I mast tell you candidly it was all so sudden that it
put me in a whirl. Whether the Buncrusher was the first to get
athwart the bows of the Bangcrasher, or the Confusion rammed the
Bangcrasher, or was cut in two by the Imbecile and the Inexcusable, or
the latter was sunk by the Uncontrollable, I really can't say. All I
know for certain is that my new uniform is ruined by the salt water,
and that Mrs. Admiral says it is useless to send it to the cleaner's. How
I contrived to support myself on my tobacco-pouch for so many hours I
can't make out; but it was a mercy that laundress caught sight of me
and put out in her largest tub to my rescue.

Statement of the officer in charge of Her Majesty's Yacht Uncertain."
It may have been that the propeller got mixed up with the cylinder.
You never can tell. That's the bother of it. Royal yachts must not be
judged by the same rules as other steam-vessels. It all just depends
upon the mood they're in. It was an anxious moment when I gave the
word to turn on steam, I can tell you I offered the bosun seven to
six she would go backwards; but the third officer offered me a level
dozen of champagne she would start off sideways, to the starboard.
Who was to expect her to proceed in a vertical direction toward the
sky, then twist round three times and then dash off full pelt keel fore-
most N.N.E. by W. towards Newington Causeway? As for the three
troopships, and the twenty-seven excursion steamers, and the Eddystone
Lighthouse, and the lock-keeper at Teddington-well, of course I regret
it extremely; but I shouted to 'em that we seemed likely to come in
their direction, and what more could I do? I am sincerely thankful
that their Royal Highnesses decided at the last moment not to trust
themselves to the royal yacht, and hired a row boat at two shillings an
hour with a man to pull. He was a good puller, and got out of our
way very cleverly. After this explanation, I feel sure that the Press
will not be too hard on me.

Big D--teriorated.
[Dr. Tanner, Member for Mid.Cork, lately vented a lot of" damns" on Mr. Waltet
Long, M.P., and on Toryism generally.]
BOB ACRES used to say that damns have had their day"-
A saying less veracious than grotesque;
For "damns" now seem to ease certain fiery, fierce M.P.s,
Whose legislation savours of burlesque.
Self-restraint appears to flit from Mid-Cork's M.P., to wit,
Whose vituperation seemeth somewhat free;
Till many a Member squirms, and his pious dread affirms
Of Tanner and his big, big, D- .
'Twas of late to Mr. Long, Tanner did especial wrong,
He big D'd him in a big D-termined way;
That adjective he hurled, with such defiance of the world,
That Long was shortly fain to run away.
So volcanic Tanner seemed, and his eye so wildly gleamed,
That aghast was each respectable M.P.;
But Tanner, undismayed, still continued his tirade,
With many and many a big, big D--.
He used such lots of D's, that Long's marrow 'gan to freeze,
And quite a pallid hue his visage wore,
For he had never heard such a naughty, naughty word,
Given off by any senator before;
So anon the House he told, how that Tanner had been bold,
Then the Commons felt as shocked as shocked could be,
And they had a lot to say (while Tanner was away)
On the horrors of his big, big D--.
To investigate each "damn," came M.P.s both real and sham-
Very seldom has the number been so large-
And there with awe appalled, they analysed, enthralled,
What Sexton called "This pop-gun charge."
And they cackled loud and long on this expletive so strong,
Which nearly had caused Long with fright to flee-
Then after two night's "jaw," Tanner said he would "withdraw,"
And apologise for that big, big D-.
Dear FUN, I beg to say there's a moral to this lay:-
If with members you the Parliament would cram,
Don't attempt it, understand, with the business of the land-
No; you easily can draw them with a "damn."
For when this row was on and real business came anon
A mere handful of M.P.s we there could see.
The others, toil-oppressed, had gone off to hard-earned rest,
When they'd finished with their big, big D-.

Mrs. Blinker.-" You see, I can't get on without my glasses, Mr.
Mr. Sawey.-" So I see. But I don't blame you. I don't be-
lieve in your Blue Ribbon people."
[But when she explained she was referring to her pincenez, he sat up.

~--~ -- -I-.~ --iP1 __~ ii_-_._~... .r;__~ ~~

JULY 27, 1887.



SIR,-The season is upon the
wane, and so I've hied me off by
train, and ere I think of setting forth
to seek my mansion in the north, I
mean to revel fair and free for just
a week beside the sea. I've chosen,
sir, to brown my face and take me
to a quiet place, unknown almost,
and off the track (it's three and six-
pence there and back), where no-
body as yet has seen a band, a don-
key, or machine; where nothing's
found on any hand but miles of
rock and sea and sand. But though
indulging in this trip I've not forgot
my Goodwood tip; and here, for
all our lucky sakes, I send my hints
You'll more or less
Command success
By watching of this tip, you will,
Though it may be
Some slipping see
Between the cup and lip, you will.
There's Carlton. This
We may dismiss
With aspect supercilious,
And those who mass
For Stanislas
Will, later on, look bilious.
Althorp may take
A little stake,
But do not back him heavily;
Of Beaver, I
Should not be shy,
He ought to do it cleverly.
Do not ignore
Glide, Ruddigore,
Savile, the Winter, Cherry 'un,
Or even Maize,
And of your days
This day will be a merry 'un.
And as for me, while by the sea,
in pleasure I'll employ myself, with
sail and rope and telescope, I'll
heartily enjoy myself; or, for a
change, the sands I'll range (accom-
panied by "dimity") hours at a
stretch, or make a sketch with gentle
equanimity, although I draw with
ev'ry flaw perspectively erroneous.
That doesn't hit my soul a bit. Yours
faithfully, TROPHONIUS.

I i 4

f I Sll"

Sir D;umtond WVoif.-"OH, LOR'! OH, LOR'! I've LOST 27,000 POUNDS, AN


A Plea for the Blind.
FUN, the champion holiday guide, philosopher, and friend, had just
sat down to the congenial task of giving humanity hints as to the
pleasantest places, when a tap-tap sounded on his stairs, and another
at his door. A little dog put in his little head and wagged his little
tail; a man followed, and FUN'S eyes, resting on him, melted, for the
man had none wherewith to return the gaze.
"You're mapping out holiday routes, Mr. FUN," remarked'the man.
And FUN replied, "Yes, the boys and girls at this time o' year prefer
'em to Greek and Latin roots. Where d'ye want to go-Margate,
Ramsgate, Shanklin?" But the blind one interrupted, saying, "Not
so far afield. Mr. FUN. I, and a few hundred like me, just want a
mouthful of fresh air, and a few hours change from the South London
courts and streets. But the difficulty isn't where to go, but how to get
there." FUN rattled off a few railway routes, but the visitor replied,
"I don't so much want a vessel, Mr. FUN, as to raise the wind."
The bright eyes tipped the darkened ones a wink, and the little dog,
who knew that his master's mission was accomplished, wagged his tail
furiously, and trotted the blind man home again, while FUN forthwith
penned the following paragraph :-
"Contributions for the Annual Excursion of their poor and blind

members will be thankfully received by the South London Association
for assisting the Blind, per their Hon. Sec., J. T. Edmonds, Esq.,
Carlton Villa, II5 Brixton Road. SW. ; or their Hon. Treasurer,
C. D. Millett, Esq, London and Westminster Bink, Lambeth Branch,
Westminster Bridge Road, S.E."

Well, Hardly I
THE Czar of Russia still suffers from the jumps, and springs up like a
Jack-in-the-Box when anyone sneezes suddenly in his presence. Since
the time of Peter the Great, only one Russian monarch has died a
natural death, therefore it is not surprising that the Little Father is a
victim to chronic nervousness.

A TENDER-HEARTED cleric, while meandering round a Board School
the other day, asked a boy, who had just scrambled through his final
examination, what trade he was going to he put to. Butchering, sir,"
replied the lad. But surely you won't like to kill the poor sheep and
lambs?" warbled the pastor. "No," replied the 'cute youth, "I
shouldn't like to kill the poor 'uns, but I should like to kill the fat 'uns,
sir I"

STo CoRRESoINDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, wreurn, or pay for Contributions. In no caCs will they be returned unkin
accompanied by a stamfcid and directed envelope.






thusiastic Musical Amateur.-" CHARMING COMPOSER, ROSSIN
-Made Merchant (doubtfully).-" WELL-ER-YES-YES !"

From Our Own (Kat)-Koff-ers.
[M. Katkoff is recovering from his recent illness.]
So Katkoffis better-the news makes us gloat,
And with joy we our hats are now doffing;
The Kat-astrophe, many had feared, seems remote,
Though Katkoff's still, like a Kat,-koffing.

Not Queen's (sur)-Prize-ing.
Now that Lieutenant Warren (Ist Middlesex Corps)
The Queen's Prize has managed to spot,"
'Tis plain to all people that he, evermore,
Is Warren-ted quite a dead shot.

AN expert who has been writing a pamphlet on the "Language of
Eyes," says, "Black eyes show a passionate, lively temperament."
Quite so I "And raw beef-steak is a capital medium to treat them
with," remarks our valued and valiant sporting contributor.

SREEN, CADIIURY& Co.. BirminiEha, Manufacturers ofal BEWA.RE OF I
kinds of Linen. Mletal, and Pearl Buttons, &c. B

JULY 27. 1887.

[E. M. A. sheds a silent tear.

A NEWLY-MARRIED lady of Hazlehurst, U.S., has instituted a
divorce suit on the ground that defective eyesight prevented her dis-
covering that the bridegroom wore a wart on his nose. "Wort
matters? say her parents, but the girl is obdurate.






Write as smoothly as a lead pencil, and neither scratch
nor spurt, the points being rounded by a new proce-s.
Ank your Stationer or a Sixpenny Assorted Sample
Box or s"n. 7 -la p- to C. BRANDOAUER ant LO.'S
MITATIONS '"E' Wo". *, 'IRMING HAo or to their Wholesa.t
Warehouse. 24 King Edward Street, London, E.C.

Lon tkn: Priited by Da'ziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Sireet, N W. and Published (for tLe Froprielois) by W. Lay, at 3 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 27th, 1887.

-- I ii



AUGUST 3, i887. FTJFN 43




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oN E.

44 FTJY AUGUST 3, 1887.

ONE of these recent afternoons of full thermometer, Mr. Edward
Terry, with that high consideration for others which distinguishes him,

PLAVED OUT.-First Party (at the Comedy Theatre)-"I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT
had a nice fire made up in the Coal Hole, inviting sundry, who came
and sate and warmed themselves thereby. And just when the fire had
attained such proportions that the nervous ones (that is to say, all of us)
began to search for their hats, and [to mutter, Oh, my poor wife and
children Oh, my poor butcher, whose bill will never, never be paid
now !" by the turning on of artfully placed "sprinklers," a stream de-
scended as the gentle waterspout from heaven upon the place beneath,
and the fire sank and sank, and flickered and went out, a delicious cool-
ness filled the atmosphere, peace returned to our flustered bosoms, a
thick smoke arose and floated sluggishly through the uncovered roof of
what will anon be "Terry's Theatre," and a gentle odour of charred
wood and thousands of blown-out oil-lamps, fell lightly o'er the bright
summer afternoon.

THE building thus proved secure from fire, which was once the Coal
Hole, anon the "Occidental Tavern" (where certain of the profession
-blight, Occidental stars-were wont to congregate), now a huge
skeleton with iron ribs and concrete ligaments, and will anon be, as I
have already remarked, "Terry's Theatre," promises to be a comfort-
able little house, and is to be fire-proof as well as water-protected. I
will not descend to the observations that it will be conspicuous for an
artistic in-Terry-or, and that a portion of the decorations will be of
Terry-cotta. Observations of this character I leave to the serious "
journals, who will give them forth with some such apology as, As the
comic journals will remark"-an unkindly accusation which comic

I f11f
lil ~'II

Aff A

OLesus (to Io01 sng Pusson)-" I SAV, MY DEAR, D'YOU THINK YOU COULD GET IME
journals, with all their faults, have not deserved ; suffice it to say, that the
building is in the Flemish style, that the interior colouring will be a deep
brown-pink and apple green, and that there will be copious means of exit.

AND as, in case of fire, the danger lies less in the "devouring element"
itself than in the panic generally ensuing, the latter are, to my mind,
of considerably more importance than the most elaborate fire-extinguish-
ing arrangements ever invented. When I build my model theatre it
shall be all exits; on the upper floors on to outside galleries, which shall
descend automatically to the street as soon as they are filled with the
proper number of people. (I reject the possibility of either of the upper
galleries filling before the lower ones and descending on the others, in
imitation of the fuur-post bedstead dear to pantomimists.) This is a
portion of my ideal scheme, but until that is carried out, I think this
new little house will do to go on with.

I HAVE before me a descriptive leaflet which gives rather full men-
tion of the contractors and manufacturers responsible for the various
details, departments, and materials of the building; but I regret to find
no list of the working-bricklayers, carpenters, painters, smiths, glaziers,
plumbers, &c., engaged. Under these circumstances it would be
manifestly unfair to mention any names at all. The final paragraph
of the leaflet is of some interest; it runs as follows : "The theatre is
being built for Mr. Edward Terry, and will open the end of September."
It were trivial, by-the-way, to enquire how the end of September is to
be opened !

THE COMEDY.-The Colonel, just produced here, is only a "stop-
gap," of course, until the new comic opera arrives; but even as a stop-
gap it is a marvellous selection. Indeed, I shouldn't wonder if another
stop-gap were found necessary between the time at which its failure to
draw becomes manifest-surely an early time-and the time the before-
mentioned new piece is ready. Two small excuses-reasons-influences
-what you will-I see for its production, and I suppose they may be
allowed the weight they merit (that seems only justice, by-the-way !).
The lady manageress may have taken a fancy to the attractive rle of
Mrs. Blythe-and, although indeed she does not play it for anything like
what it is worth, indeed it might be much worse played. Then again,
although the comedy never really deserved success, its original produc-
tion was attended with phenomenal success, so (after the hap-hazard
reckonings characteristic of managements) why not again ?

OF course, the main and plain reason for failure is that the subject of
restheticism is completely played out, and as dead and gone as Pharaoh,
and the play has no vitality beyond what is obtained by its connection
with a passing craze.

THE performance does not reach a high level either. Mr. Bruce's
Colonel is wanting in fulness and variety. Mr. Herbert plays very
well, so do Misses Helen Layton and Agnes Verity, with the fault
in the former case of an unreality in the "whine" adopted, and in
the other of an unpleasant mannerism suggestive of an over-wrought
attempt to imitate the manner of Miss Norreys. Mr. Bassett Roe and
Mr. Sidney Harcourt are probably as good as possible as Streyke and
Giorgione Basil. Miss Susie Vaughan is altogether satisfactory, and if
there was any fun left in the part she would make the most of it. Mr.
Frank Wyatt contents himself with a small part-a proceeding which
reminds one of Sam Weller's whole art of letter-writing," the result of
which was to make one wish there was more of it." NESTOR.

Will it be Ellis-ium?
(" Wales has now its Parnell," says the Country Gentleman, Mr. Ellis is Wales'.
Uncrowned King."]
IF little Wales must have its Uncrowned King,
May he unto his gallant nation bring
More benefits than Erin from Parnell will ever see;
May Ellis show a patriotic vein,
And not, like some Home Rulers, work for gain;
May Ellis work for Wales's good, and not for Ellis-D.

THE Prince of Wales will preside at the principal meeting of the
National Eisteddfod, to be held at the Albert Hall on August 12. We
are informed, on more or less unreliable authority, that H.R.H. has had
his favourite song, "Two Lovely Black Eyes," translated into Welsh,
and that he intends singing it to an accompaniment played by five blind
Celtic harpists. Prince Albert Victor will then go round with the hat.

A NUMBER of swimming-bath proprietors have been fined in the
United States for opening their establishments on Sunday mornings.
The prosecutors were certain religious (?) lunatics who resuscitated a
quaint old law against bathing on the Sabbath. Genuine hard-shell
fanatics who are mad on the subject of religion are usually dirty in their
habits, and strangely ignore the text, "Cleanliness is next to God-

_ 1_1_1__ ~I

AUGUST 3, I887. IU N. 45

Tory Tailoring.
THE Government Tailor,
Who built the Land Bill,
Was clearly a nailerr"
At shaping it ill;
For, 'spite his laudation,
The Bill doesn't fit,
And needs alteration
By bit after bit.
His blundering action,
As any can tell,
Don't give satisfaction
To Mr. Parnell;
But then, he'll defer to
His customer's views,
And scarcely demur to
Make change as they choose.
He's work'd very poorly-
In fact, at his worst;
And might have, most surely,
Done better at first
(Instead of affording
Such reason for wrath),
By simply according
The coat to his cloth.

Com-bleatly Quiet.
[A weekly paper points out that, in spite of frequent
snubbings, the British journalist is the only lamb that
never bleats.]
THE journalistic lamb, however pent,
Is not a person given to lam(b)ment-
For which he is (so many think) to blame;
But, as the worm is said to turn at last,
Poor journalists defiance yet may cast
On those who dare to mock their lamb-ent

A SON of King Bell, of Cameroon, has been
apprenticed to a German carpenter. The
African Prince is bound for four years, during
which period he will doubtless learn some very
curious tricks of the trade, and be taught how
to make up that most mystic of mysterious
documents-a carpenter's bill.

[She called him STUPID BOY but she went all the same.

A Cheerful Companion to the
Ist. Bank Holiday. Whate'er your rank-
And if you after lucre hanker-
Spend all day stretched upon a bank,
And feel what 'tis to be a banker.
2nd. The Duke of Marlb'rough won this day,
The fight at Blenheim; victory dear,
For ever since we've had to pay,
A Marlb'rough thousands ev'ry year.
3rd. This day Columbus his first voyage
If facts like this be only duly reckon'd,
It will be found a trav'ler mostly makes
One voyage, ere he starts upon a
4th. Birthday of Shelley, whom 'tis now the
For dilettanti virgins to peruse,
Drinking with rapture his sweet Cenci's
Whatever else they miss of his strong
5th. The oyster season has begun,
But no cheap oysters brought you;
The price demanded still for one
Had, once, a dozen bought you.

6th. This day imprisonment for debt
Abolished-but you need not weep;
If you desire it much, you yet
For debt may in a prison sleep.
7th. Queen Caroline, the outraged wife
Of Europe's fat "first gentleman,"
Reliev'd him from all further strife
By dying-which was her best plan.
8th. George Canning died this day-
A statesman wise and witty:
Like him, scare care away
With many a merry ditty.
9th. Poor Louis Philippe, who taught French
For shillings, here in London town,
This day, with no great moral wrench,
Accepted from his friends a crown.
Ioth. Birthday of G. J. Goschen, who,
As Chancellor of the Exchequer,
Will find he has his work to do,"
To elevate the Treasury's peckerr."
IIth. The Dog-days end to-day. This fact
does not
To naughty dogs bring any hope of
Since, when the days are cold, they
"get it hot "
From two-legged brutes, who never
spare them pain.

12th. This day your grouse you may begin to
That is, of course, supposing you
have any;
For ev'ry bird you pot, you'll have to pay,
As you will find, "a very pretty
I3th. This day, in Fourteen-fifty-seven,
Book-printing first began;
Some said that it was not from heaven,
But elsewhere came the plan.
14th. George Colman died this day; he wrotc
One hundred years ago.
If on old comedies you dote,
You won't find his too "slow."
15th. Scott's birthday, mind you "keel,
this day
With all regard for high morality;
A new and very pleasant way
You'll find's to read his Old Mor-
16th. Gas first in use in London, Eighteen.
When ribald critics made but light ol
But, out of each twelve "gassy "sparks,
Soon grew to love "the very sight ol

46 FUN. AUGUST 3, 1887.


There's a word to be said on the porters' side of the trunk question, too. Most of the trunks you buy are of delicate constitution, and unfitted to battle with an
unsympathetic world. A trunk-making acquaintance of ours said -"Gentleman came in for one of our trunks lately. We showed him a beautiful specimen, with the
lock, and straps, and handles most artistically gummed on with very best gum. I Will that stand travelling?' said he. 'Travelling ?'we said in some surprise.
Well, you see, that's rather a severe test to put a trunk to; but you won't injure it by looking at it, if you don't stare too hard.'

" Well, two days went by, and that trunk had not come back for repairs. 'Jim, we said to our trunk-maker, 'you must ha' made that trunk too strong.'

However, on the third day in comes that customer with the remains ot the article. 'Must have had some rough usage,' we said. Well,' said he, 'I took it
home very carefully in its cotton-wool, and put it in an air-tight glass case; but the stupid housemaid took off the case to dust speck off it; and when it was exposed
to the air the lock fell off; and in trying to replace the lock she somehow brushed against the lid, and that came off; so then the straps and handles came off, and the
bottom came out, and the sides dropped off; and it'll have to be touched up a bit."'

FTJiN".-AUGUTST 3, 1887.


~1 ~; J


AF'~I l






"' ~~ \ \\U'~ `\\\\\ \\\`


% /~//~

aI s



few years ago, let us say).
Dear me, how wonder-
fully busy and absorbed
all our legislators seem to
be to-day Whatever can
be in the wind ?
MONS (as one emphatic
and enthusiastic man).
'- Don't you know the EDU-
CATION BILL has to be
passed ?
IGN. INQ. The Edu-
Scation Bill, eh Is that a
very important affair,
i then ?
Good heavens, what a question Why, it's education, sir-and educa-
tion alone-which civilizes, humanizes, raises humanity. It is education,
sir, which makes possible that higher and broader control of the reason-
ing faculties over the passions and the impulses, and purges the inter-
course between civilised beings of that roughness and brutality which
characterize the savage. It's education alone, sir, which teaches us that
restraint, which is due from ourselves to our own dignity.
IGN. INQ. Oh, that is your conviction, eh? Then, of course, you,
Mr. Liberal, disagree with Mr. Conservative?
LIBERAL. I, sir? Take it from me, sir, that progress is inseparable
from education. The community that lacks education, sir, is little
better than a community of savages-without self-control, or moderation.
IGN. INQ. Really And what do you other gentlemen say about it?
We say, sir, that education is a great, holy, refining influence, and the
mother of that self-command without which no community can exist-
and thrive.
IGN. INQ. And that, I am to understand, is the'sense of the House ?
THE HOUSE. Undoubtedly Assuredly Without question! We
are resolved to educate-and, consequently, civilize the country. To
ION. INQ (subsequently). Let me see-this is the House that passed
the law that civilised the people, that will ever after control themselves.
Here, then, if nowhere else, I shall find the most refined and well-
considered-hello What's that? Good heavens What assails my
ears? Here-police fire What awful language to be sure It must
be some of the lowest of the populace, not yet educated by compulsion,
who have forced their way in. Here they come; it's too dreadful; I
can't listen to such language; I shall faint !
FIRST DISPUTANT. Garn Yah Who are you chaffin' of? You're a
dashedy dashed dash, and I've a dashed good mind [to dashfully dash
your dashed head !
SECOND DISP. Gittout yer blankfully blank blank I If it wasn't for
me being a blanked gentleman, who have been blanky well educated
and refined, I'd blank your blanked-
THIRD DisP. You let him alone, you whatsanamed whatsaname; if
you weren't so
S-- --- ----- ... whatsonameful-
ly whatnsoname,
you'd see what
a whatsonamed
you're making
of yourself!
DIsr. I'm
if I don't go and
tell the whad-
dycallit Speaker
about your
ism !
Good heavens !
Who on earth
are you all that
use this awful language, in the precincts of the House. I suppose
you re-
THE DISPS. Wot ? Be off, you blackdashedly whaddycallited what.

1 &

NT AUGUST 3, I887.

soname, or we'll thingumbobfully-- We'd have you to know that
we aren't in the House, we're only in the lobby; and, although we
should consider ourselves greatly lowered if we were to use bad language
in the House, we look upon it as a proof of good taste, gentlemanliness,
breeding, and nobility of character to swear frightfully and billingsgate
one another in the lobbies-d'yer see?
IGN. INQ. Well, I don't think I do.
Dis. Yah I that's because you haven't been educated like we have.
Come on -let's rush in and insult each other again inside the House,
under pretence of discussing the merits of the case.
THE PARNELLITES. Well, it may appear a little strange, but we, to
a man, did not hear a single bad word said by the member of our party
who was in the dispute; while we heard the members of the other
parties say the most revolting things.
THE CONSERVATIVES. And we neither saw nor heard the Con-
servative disputant disgrace himself in any way, but were shocked at
the awful conduct of the Parnellite, and the Liberal, and the other
THE LIBERALS. And as for us, may we never move from here if we
noticed the slightest fault ori the part of the Liberal disputants; but as
for the Parnellite and the Conservative, and- (Members of other
sections to match).
IGN. INQ. What unbiassed judgments! What honesty What self.
restraint Education has advantages, indeed I

Necks-t, Please I
[We read that false necks and busts are now being sold for ladies' evening wear.]
A STARTLING humour doth fashion divulge,
That some of the fair sex in false necks" indulge
When donning a dicolletee dress;
This daring an-necks-ing of false busts and necks
Is apt their admirers to vex and perplex,
'Tis an (n)ecks.tra sad blow, you'll confess.

A FREE fight took place lately in a Chapel of Ease. Things sub.
sided into a pleasant calm after the police had chucked out several
muscular Christians.



Measure, Act II, Scene 4.
--_- _:

1Measure, Act If. Scene 4.

AUGUST 3, i887. IFUN. 49

Good News for Gourmets.
[A Buddhist cookery book, by an American lady Buddhist, dealing
with theology as well as the culinary art, is the latest addition to
English and American household manuals.]
Lo all ye who eat-and a good many do,-
Just to keep life's game alive,
Attend to a smart little tip or two,
By which you (perhaps) will thrive.
Many mems. for meals you all may claim,
If you will but carefully look
In a mystic volume that bears the name
Of the Buddhist Cookery Book.
It was written in order that all mankind
(Including our good old FUN)
Their way to the Buddhist creed should find,
And by diet 'tis first to be done.
Of Man's "seven-fold being" this volume deals;
But one thing doth the writer o'erlook,
It saith not if Man needs per day seven meals,
In that Buddhist Cookery Book.
No, contrariwise, the compiler points out
That Primitive Man never fed;
His nutriment-the book has no doubt-
He absorbed from the air instead.
But since lower and lower poor Mankind fell,
Its non-eating ways it forsook;
And reasons galore doth the lady tell
In her Buddhist Cookery Book.
Of Matter, and Spirit, and Karmic clues
(Whatever all that may be),
Of Re-incarnations and Astral views,
Full accounts in this work you'll see;
And here and there, 'mid the verbal cloud,
If you with a microscope look,
Is a "tiplet that might make a cheffeel proud
Of the Buddhist Cookery Book.
There are deep discourses on soups and things,
Orange puddings, and curious fruits,
And on Indian mustard, that bites and stings
From your palate right down to your boots.
This theology, sandwiched with recipes,
Might puzzle an average cook;
But for comical-serious views, all should seize
On this Buddhist Cookery Book.

THE New York Legislature has passed an Act mak-
ing it a misdemeanor to feed sparrows. This is not
surprising. The vast number of sparrows that have been
served up pseudonymously as "larks," to various mem-
bers of the legislature has excited their indignation and
stirred them up to prompt and vigorous action. They are
determined to put down-and yet, paradoxical as it may
seem, not to put down sparrows.

I AM staying down at Chiddlecombe. The population of Chiddle-
combe is about I,ooo,ooo, including frogs, flies, and the alehouse. Some
people are fond of the country. I ain't. I never saw anything in rural
life pleasant in my life. They say your ease is at your inn. never
found it there. What is your village inn? When you go in there and
want anything to eat, the first thing they say is, Would you like the
''am."' That means would you like to wolf up some hideous tough
salt thing like a petrified bootjack. I never had a meal in my life worth
having at a village inn yet-excepting once, when the landlord shot a
hare in mistake for a cat.
And now about the fruits of the season. I'm sure I don't care about
fruit, no matter what anybody else does. If you go down to anywhere
near London, like Kew or Hounslow, and think you are going to get
any of the fruit that's on the trees, you make a tolerable mistake, I can
tell you. It all goes up to London." All you get down there is the
windfalls. There's no fruit to be got anywhere excepting in Covent
Garden Market. That's my opinion, and it's right enough, too. You
think they sell fruit cheap enough in the street, do you ? That's all you
know about it. All the fruit that you get is the filthy stuff they ship
over from Antwerp, and Rotterdam, and Dunkirk. There's no such
thing to be got now as a real Ribston pippin. You have to go all the
world round before you get an apple worth eating. The Americans
send over tons of them. And what are they? A lot of sort of sweet


turnips packed in crates, holds of ships, and railway waggons.
Years ago there used to be "tea gardens" round London where you
paid one shilling, and had as much fruit as you liked to pick for the
amount. You snigger at this, do you? You had fresh fruit, anyhow.
I'm grown a wretched middle-class old fogey. Am I ? Yet you could
get fruit in the old days-King Pippins, and Ribstons, and Manx
Codlins, and all that. What do you get now, I should like to know?
Nothing but squashed-up, half-cooked abominations from St. Malo and
elsewhere. Good old English fruit ain't to be got anywhere, I say,
any more than you can enjoy yourself in the pit of a theatre like you
could in Robson's time at the Olympic; and when you could go into
Evans's and have a chop or a spread eagle. You can't get anything
now-a-days. That's my idea, anyhow. Why, I remember the time
when there were market gardens all the way from Hammersmith to
Brentford, and you could get fruit. You can't now-a-days. Don't talk
to me about progress. Give me a good eating apple, I say.

A TELEGRAM from Odessa states that "M. Katkoff is better; he has
recovered his speech and the use of his right hand." We are glad to
hear it, though we do not know what has been the matter with him ;
possibly it was the kat which damaged his right hand, and the kofl
which interfered with his speech.


- --


IN the interest of decent, cleanly excursionists to Epping Forest, the
gangs of greasy, repulsive, insolent and thievish gipsies should be driven
out of their happy hunting-
grounds as soon as possible.
We venture to ask why it is
that these pestiferous rogues
and vagabonds have been al-
lowed to pollute the pure air of
this pleasant locality so long?
A SELECT section of the
Banffshire herring fishwives
have resolved to flog all their
erring sisters who refuse to join
them in a strike for higher
wages. Smacks, ahoy!
S AN Indian contemporary
says : "A Sepoy died recently
some distance from his home.
and his caste fellows having
-_ cremated him, wired to his
Parents, 'Binda Persad died
last night. Bones by post.'"

"FOR heaven's sake don't let's take that cab," said Jones to Robin-
son, as they sailed out of the Criterion. "Why not?" exclaimed
Robinson. "Just cast your gentle optics over the confounded worn-
out old horse," replied Jones, I'll be hanged if he doesn't look as if
he'd been editing a paper "

A PEDAGOGUE who was charged a few days back with having flogged
a child with undue severity, excused himself on the ground that the
urchin's skin was too thin. We presume his own hide is extra thick,
and that he has been in the habit of judging the quality of his scholars'
cuticle by his own.

THE priests of the Golden Temple at Umuritsur have ceased praying
for Dhuleep Sing since this arch-plotter has gone over to the Russians.
Dhuleep forsook the religion of his fathers, and drew a pension from
England for many years. Of course, the Indians have no love for us-
their invaders and conquerors; but, at the same time, they have the
sense to know that we treat them infinitely better than the Russians
would were they in possession. It is certainly most satisfactory to find
that Dhuleep's fellow-countrymen write him down an ass and a con-
temptible knave, not worth a prayer.

GENERAL BOULANGER is decidedly popular among the fair sex in
France. 200,000 French ladies have written to him, each asking for a
lock of his hair. As the gallant warrior wishes to retain his popularity
with the daughters of Eve, he has ordered a ton or so of hirsute matter
from a large firm that is in the habit of supplying false tails for horses.

IT was on Margate Jetty that Edwin said to Angelina, I hope you
have no objection to my getting weighed ? Certainly not, dear;
but why ask the question?" replied Angelina with an angelic smile.
" Only to see, pet, if you would allow me to have my own weigh for
once," whispered Edwin. Then she shattered her parasol on his best
honeymoon hat.

AN eminent Society journalist, speaking of the Queen, says, "Although
stout, she does not look at all apoplectic, and she has the 'pop eyes'
of a voluble talker." Her Majesty, though highly delighted at the
criticism, does not contemplate conferring the honour of knighthood on
the critic, neither does she intend sending his wife an Indian shawl-
just at present.

A CELEBRATED tote has invented a new name for habitual boskiness,
i.e., Narcomania." We are inclined to think this polite term will be
welcomed as a boon and a blessing by ladies fond of paying frequent
visits to grocers who are "licensed to sell wine and spirits to be con-
sumed off the premises."

WE are glad to learn that Her Majesty now allows guests from the
continong to imbibe lager beer, instead of forcing Scotch whisky on
them. Whiskiness has caused certain foreign visitors to indulge in
terrible friskiness at times. It is not long ago that a Teuton prince,
attired in a kilt, and under the influence of Mountain Dew, tried to
emulate the gyrations of Chirgwin, the White-eyed Kaffir. His per-
formance took place at a picnic, and before the return home he was
found reclining on the green sward with his head firmly wedged into a
bowl of lobster-salad.

AUGUST 3, x887.

Margarine 1
[Don't start, dear Reader, this is butter ballad, and is based on the air, "I dream
of thee, sweet Madeline."J
I DREAM of thee, sweet Margarine,
So fatty and so fair;
As Butterine thou once wert seen,
But now for change prepare,
For Parliament, on work intent,
('Tis not oft thus, I ween),
Enacts that thou, fair fat, shall now
Be christened "Margarine" I
For naming thee, 0 Margarine,
Our Senators we'll praise-
Though, entire nous, they'd lots to do
In more important ways.
Still, they o' nights, 'mid rows and fights,
Found time as we have seen,
An Act to frame, in re thy name-
Not "Bosh," but "Margarine" I

A PARTY engaged in the hop trade, while being cross-examined by
counsel, the other day, as to his habits, admitted that on one occasion
he had tumbled off a tram-car because he was so elated at having
obtained a pleasant situation. The Court opined that the elated and
elevated hoppist must have found himself in a very unpleasant situation
when he chipped up the roadway with his head, and suggested that he
had had a somewhat narrow escape of "hopping the twig."

Perspiring eEsthete.-" Oh, this too-too awfully hot weather is
killing me. I can't even eat."
Captain Hardup.-" No more can I; but why can't you ?"
P. A.-" Oh I've no appetite."
C. H.--"Ah, my boy 've no money."


_ ~I_

AUGUST 3, 1887. FTJNe 51

The Bride of the Seas-on. | ., ,-, ~> /,- aig- I-- ------

THERE'S a sea-beach in the West,
Of all shores I love it best,
For I met
Her I lost my heart to there,
When the days were always fair-
Fine or wet.
There's, of course, an esplanade,
Where serge dresses, with black
Glad the sight;
And, close by, the ocean's verge
Shows another kind of surge
Trimmed with white.
But the serge I loved the best
Was the one my lady drest-
Tight and trim-
When she took her morning dips,
And imagined like the ships
She could swim.
Not like some who, while they stop
In the water, only hop
Up and down;
Keeping in the sandy sea,
In whose shallowness a flea
Could not drown.
As she dives beneath the waves,
You would fancy coral caves
Were her home!
And the ocean loves to bear
Up the riches of her hair
On its foam.
When she leaves the clasping sea
That has held her lovingly
On its breast,
There's a breast and arms ashore
That will clasp and love her more
When she's drest !
And she dearly loves a breeze
That awakes the dancing seas,
And to ride
On the wild and stormy wave,
Feeling always safe and brave
At my side.
Should my darling little queen
See my saucy brigantine
Square her yards,
Then she dons her yachting shoes,
For she knows there is a cruise
On the cards.

O the exquisite delight
Of sailing out of sight
Of the land I
All the world is in our view-
For the world is but us two-
Understand I

The horizon, like a ring,
Holds us both, and on the wing
Of our thought
Comes the ring which, let us say,
At some very early day
Shall be bought.
When the waiting time is past,
And the wedding-day at last
Opes its eyes,
I shall take her off to sea;
'Tis a custom not for me
To excise.

And the duty I shall pay
Will be given ev'ry day-
Kisses down !
And this narrative will teach
How I won her on the beach,
For a "crown I

Free-and-Easy Teuton (to Fair American Neighbourr).-" I HOPE, FRAULEIN, ZAT YOU

A REPORT made by the International Committee of the Red Cross Society, states 98,234
soldiers of the German army who entered France in 1870-71 were killed or wounded. The
number of Frenchmen who were either slaughtered or maimed during that awful struggle was
infinitely greater. Yet both Gauls and Teutons are itching to fly at each other again. The
strong military spirit which for years past has been fostered in Germany is exemplified by the
following words of an old colonel who paraded his regiment at Bonn, shortly after peace had
been proclaimed between Germany and France, viz. : "My children, the pastime of war is over.
We must now proceed to stern business, and regular drill will be resumed-from to-morrow."

A YOUNG housebreaker on remand recently tried to commit suicide by beating his head against
the cell door. The cracksman has already nearly recovered from his self-inflicted injuries, and
the door is getting on as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

A MARRIED woman,
who has seen over
sixty summers, eloped
from Hull recently
with a young man
lodger of three score
years and ten. The
runaways were traced
to Liverpool and
brought back. The
gay Lothario was con-
signed to gaol on a
charge of stealing
property belonging
to the injured hus-
band, and he swears
he'll be more careful
the next time he
runs away with
another man's wife.

The Duke of Ar-



"y ciF?3..


B' To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contribuions. In no case will they be returned unless
accomflanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

"52 F AUGUST 3, 1887.


I' 'I

OH THANKS," [ fust as he was about to fop it, too !
OH! THANKS." [,7ust as he was about topop it, too!i

News at the Naval Review.
LAND-LUBBER. Can you tell me what that queer-looking place is, out
there in the water ?
NAVAL AUTHORITY. It's one of the turret-ships.
L.-L. Dear me! I thought it was a floating swimming-bath. That
great big steamer is the Admiral's, I suppose?
N. A. Oh, no; that's only a troopship; the Admiral is on the iron-
clad yonder.
L.-L. What a shame not to give him the biggest boat And what's
the meaning of all those cross-bars on the top of it ?
N. A. They're the yards and spars, of course.
L.-L. Indeed I took them to be his crew's gymnasium. And can
you explain that curious smudge on the waves in the distance?
N. A. That's one of the torpedo-boats coming along hard under
L.-L. Is that so? I fancied it might be porpoises. And do you
know who that fussy sort of person was whom we saw passing along the
landing-stage just now ?
N. A. One of the Lords of the Admiralty.
L.-L. Good gracious I Why, he looked just like a little man who
keeps a public-house in the town I live in. (Rapid retreat of Naval

Ur 6d. Boxes. All Stationers. Sample Box
(24 kinds) 7 stamps. BIRMINGHAM. BEWARE (

EUGEN SCHMITT, a clerk in the local court at Zombor, in Hungary,
has gained the prize offered by the Berlin Philosophical Society for the
best work on the philosophical system of Hegel. We are not informed
whether the work in question was cast in a aombor mould, but it is
alleged that the judges were schmitten with the highest admiration for
the extensive knowledge it displayed.




London: Printed by Dalziel Brothes at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at s53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August 3rd, 1887.


AUGUST 10, 1887. Fri N o 53

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VOL. XLVI.-NO. 116r.

F U 'N.

SHE ADELPHI.-To say that the
S -E new Adelphi piece is familiar and
conventional in its incidents, is
but to say that The Bells of
S Haslemere is a melodrama of the
i "H modern school. (Whether the
ancient school was less stereo-
typed in its character is a question
which may rest undisturbed for
the present). The story of the
good young man, rightful, but by
wicked men defrauded, owner
S of much wealth, who is driven by
the remorseless gentleman with
the iron-grey hair and good
T clothes, to the depths of poverty;
whose sweetheart is torn from
him and subjected to much per-
secution for his sake; who comes
into his own in the last act, to the
confusion and handcuffing of his
a -enemies-is it not like the poor in
that we have it with us always ?
Haslemere is right good entertainment for an evening. It is well
written (above the wont of melodrama), itis cleverly acted (though trulybut
three parts were played, so that I could conceive no improvement), and
it is put on with superlative beauty. Save that the story is even more
Boys of Briton-y than usual, that the last act is rather crowded and
clumsy, and that there is a little too much of the "mechanical change
of scene," there is little to be objected to by the most cavillous (if I
maybe allowed to call him so).
THE story tells of one Frank Beresford, who is good, and honest, and
brave, and doesn't mind saying so-be don't care who knows it-and
whose matter and manner of speech suggest continual Shakespearian
recitations. Frank is the Squire of Haslemere, and the very first thing
we see him do is come of age, while the very second thing we see him
do is to make love to a young lady with an anticipative dressmaker-
that is to say she is clothed and accoutred less like the miller's sister she
is than the squire's lady she eventually becomes. But, indeed, the
village dressmaker must be both clever and moderate in her charges, as
a blacksmith's wife, and the schoolmistress-ladies whose incomes can
scarcely be very large-are turned out in a style which emphatically
suggests low prices or a vicious system of credit. The "swell" appear-
ance of these ladies no doubt gives the title to the piece- The Belles of
Haslemere-which otherwise seems to have small raison d'itre. These
belles all show symptoms of "ringing" in the first act.
IT soon appears that "the Squire's trustee," one Thorndyke, in con-
junction with a gentleman with the coaly name of Silkstone, has forged
a mortgage on the estate, which the pair spring upon the Squire as

THE ADELPHI.-TWO of the Belles of Haslemere-the Miller's Sister and the
Blacksmith's Bride. Awful Swell Place, Haslemere, seemingly I

genuine and ripe for foreclosure. Silkstone will hold his hand for a
consideration-his "lowest summer price" being an introduction into
county society. This doesn't come off, of course, and Frank turns out.

AUGUST 10, 1887.

In the next scene, Captain Vere, a swindler who has forged some dollar
bills, engages Frank (who is down on his luck) to go to America and
pass them without knowing their
character. There is a good deal ,
of forging in this scene. Frank
forges a shoe; there is also a
blacksmith's forge. The miller
also acts up to his character, and
wants to have a mill with Frank.
WE next find Frank at Des-
mond's Plantation, acting the
planter himself, and planting the
forged bills like anything. He is
also engaged in unconsciously win-
ning the affections of the daintiest
of Ireland's daughters, and rousing
the jealousy of a Yankee river-
captain. Vere is on the spot
watching the placing of the bills,
and Silkstone anon appears upon
the scene and "blows the gaff."
Then do the infuriated planters
make it warm for Vere and Frank,
and the latter would undoubtedly
be caught and lynched were he
not so favoured y he peculiarly THE ADBLPHI.-The other Belle of Hasle-
smere-the Schoolmistress, just as big a
shifting nature of the American Swell as the others.
country, which folds, and doubles
up, and expands, and revolves, and is plunged into sudden dark-
ness, and lighted, now with the moon, and anon with the setting sun,
in a way to baffle the most determined pursuit. Vere is shot, and

THE ADELPH.-Grand Transformation Scene-the Hunted Hero in the Dismal
Swamp of Tinkling Bells, the Glowing West, and the Mississippi Steam-ship.
(Please observe Mr. Cartwright as a Recumbent Fairy being drawn off O.P.)

Frank, opening a cane brake, scores off him, for he reveals all and
apparently loses a life. This act ends in a beautiful transformation
scene, which reveals Frank, who but a moment before was in the
spickest and spannest of white pants, posed against a tree in the glow of
the setting sun, ragged, dirty, hungry, and footsore.
IN the last act-which shows an imitative tendency on the part of
the neighbourhood of Haslemere, for it is almost as shifting as the
neighbourhood of the Mississippi-the villains baffle each other (Silk-
stone, "well-screened" out of sight, being properly disposed of by a
"shoot "), Frank comes to his own again, miller's sister and all, the
curtain descends, and everybody gets a call.

MR. TERRISS makes a picturesque young hero; I think he speaks
with a somewhat too measured delivery and some over solemnity of
visage; but it is a manly impersonation nevertheless, with an atmos-
phere of pleasantness, though he leaves the bumptious self-sufficiency of
one-and-twenty by no means unsuggested. I think the most complete
performance must be credited to Mr. Cartwright, whose cynical villain
No. 3 is a very firm bit of character drawing. How splendidly his
tearing rage in the third act is suggested I Mr. Beveridge plays a part,
in which he knows his way about pretty well by this time, quite up to
form. NESTOR.



AUGUST IO, i887. FUN. 55

A Terrible Reason.
A GREAT many people have wondered why
I never affect the coast;
They marvel that I should always fly
From the ocean, as 'twere from a ghost.
But the reason thereof, whether right or wrong,
I'll confess, gentle readers mine,-
It is that the sea always make me long
To embark in the pirate-line.
Whenever I chance to approach the sea,
And list to its murmuring tones,
A marine marauder I long to be,
With appropriate skulls and cross bones.
I yearn to have pistols around my belt,
And a cutlass to flash and shine;
Thus, thus by the sea have I always felt
A love for the pirate-line.
And whenever I venture to go afloat
(And I used to do so of yore)
On the Clacton-on-Sea or the Margate boat,
I long to do deeds of gore.
I yearn to spread mutiny 'mongst the crew;
Or to scuttle the ship I pine;
Or to make the crew walk the plank, as some do
In the wholesale pirate-line.
When on Captain Douglas's Scarborough boat
I've gone for a few days' blow, -
I've felt that to hoist the Black Flag I'd gloat
And to put Captain D. below.
Yea, although Captain Douglas doth oft dis-
On an organ, some hymns divine,
He never has caused me the least remorse
For my love for the pirate-line.
If I walk o' nights on the silent sands,
When all is at peace and still,
I think How delightful to summon bands
To work my wicked will "
Yea, there as I gaze on the lapping waves,
Of the ozone-breathing brine,
I long to own treasures and secret caves,
In the smuggler's and pirate's line.
So, from seaside haunts I remain remote,
Because my desires are dark;
And I find it safer to lounge and to note
The ducks in St. James's Park.
There the waters peaceful, the ducks' sweet
Never make my thoughts incline
To long for the fame of the late Paul Jones,
Who went in for the pirate line.

No Dean-ial.
THE Forest of Dean election
Many Liberals.view with pride;
It gave them small cause for dejection,
And that cannot be Dean-ied.

A Case of At-Taine-der.
[According to some. Prince Napoleon has written a
book that will make M. Taine sit up."]
IF Prince Napoleon means to beat M. Taine,
It shows that he hath ta'en great pains to
do it;
So let us hope his work won't be in vain,
That when his book appears none will
eschew it.
This plan re-Taine; retain it in your brain,
For Taine's new rival may his hold main-

ONE of our magistrates who was rebuked
for having accused a respectable woman of
telling lies in court strenuously denied that he
had been guilty of such rudeness. I merely
remarked that I did not believe her," explained
the wily "beak." This explanation is worthy
of Dr. Tanner.

r I .






WITH YOU." [Ten minutes later he lights up a French Cigar himself, which has been
sold to him as a choice Fartagas, and enjoys it.

Con Amore.
THE eight-year old son of a police-court solicitor who had been forbidden to pluck the fruit
in his father's garden was led by his sire to a pet pear-tree. "Jacob," said the parent, "you
have picked off a William' and have eaten it." I'll take my solemn oath, father, that I have
not picked off a pear," said the curly-haired child. The urchin spoke the truth, he had only
stood and gnawed away the "William," and the core, still dangling by the stem, was wafted
backwards and forwards by the fresh morning breeze. Then a tear of joy stood in the parent's
left eye, and casting away a birch, he caught up the child in his arms and said, "Bless you,
Jacob, give me a kiss, you will be a great lawyer some day I"

56 I JN AUGUST 10, i887.

THE Basket Trunk of Commerce is a delightful and interesting source of occupation. By an earnest and unremitting attention to repairs, you can often succeed in
making it a really beautiful object, and almost strong enough to carry things in.

You buy a new basket trunk. While it's on the station platform the wind from an express-train sweeps off the lock. Then you call in the help of the nearest lock-
smith, and he puts on a door-lock he has in stock, by means of a large iron-plate inside. Thus you have a lock you can depend on.

Then the cat at the lodgings rubs the "leather" off that trunk; and you call Then the vibration of next door's piano reduces the sub-structure of the trunk
in more local aid, and have it beautifully patched, to a powder. So you call in more aid, and have a new sub-structure fixed inside
the patches.

Up--Nrs ^. ^ -* J
And the local aid brings it home with as much pride as if it were his favourite child. "There-you 'ave got a trunk that'll last, and be a ornament too I" he says.
And then you enjoy its companionship until, finding respectable hotels won't take it in, you tie up your effects in a coloured handkerchief instead. This is usually
stronger than a trunk, and more handy.

AUGUST o1, i887. F U. 57

ANGELINA'S birthday was at hand, and Edwin resolved to make her an offering worthy of the occasion. But what should that offering be?

If Angelina were a gentleman there wouldn't The "lovely pet" which a gentleman from the Seven A selection of some articles he saw hanging outside
be ny difficulty, he thought. Dials wished to sell him seemed hardly a suitable gift. a shop mieht have been useful, but he felt some deli-
cacy in offering them.

1114; 11I, I ...

He sought for a musical instrument, but hesi- Then he spent a day at the Stores looking at all And when at last he presented his gift (a knife-cleaner
tated to invest in one that was strongly recom- the stock. But he couldn't find the right thing, and a dozen prime Stiltons) Angelina bade him depart
mended. and never see her face again.

The Jubilee Alphabet. Under the Liberal Umbrella.
A was the Abbey's magnificent sight. (S AR )
B were the Bonfires lighted at night. IF the page that holds our cartoon you should peer in,
0 was the terrible Crush in the street. You'll discover very well
D the Devices the ladies called "sweet !" The whole story it would tell;
E was the Eagerness shown by the throng. Gladstone's dancing in the water with fair Erin,
F were the Flags that were carried along. And Trevelyan, and Harcourt, and Parnell.
G the Gilt coaches containing the great. And 'tis evident that in this same employment
E the Huzzas that rang early and late. They all happily agree,
I the Insignia massive and grand. And are frisking merrilee,
J was the Jubilee kept through the land. For they get a lot of innocent enjoyment
K were the Kings who had come for the "show." From thus dipping in the briny Irish Sea.
L were the Ladies who sat in a row. But poor Chamberlain n upon the shore looks glummy,
M the Maharajah who'd sped o'er the brine. As he pauses there to view
N was his Necklace of diamonds fine. How they prank-that festive crew;
0 the Orations they made far and near. And he cannot help a-thinking it seems rummy,
P were the Plaudits, for Britons can cheer I That he isn't in the water with them, too.
Q was n the Queen who looked tired, they say. h he the ater ith
R were "the Royalties" out for the day. But, alas he's now hook'd on to Mistress Tory.
S was the Strand when illumined at night. Whose society grows slow,
T were the Tipplers, loyal but "tight." But she will not let him go,
U was the Unicorn still to the fore. For she wants him to accompany her to glory-
V was Victoria, whom we adore. Though its whereabouts they don't exactly know.
W the Wealth that they spent on the fuss.
X trebled, that's the tipple for us! A MAN, said to be an eminent "umbrella thief," was arrested in
Y were the Yeomen so stalwart and true. Manchester recently. Surely an "umbrella thief" ought to be sent to a
Z is the Zany who bids you adieu, lunatic asylum. Gamps can always be borrowed and not returned.

I TGJT1, I~l567.



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60 PF TIN AUGUST 10, 1887.

AT last Mr. Smithson was elected mayor of Grogtown-super-Mare.
There had been several attempts to make Grogtown a fashionable
watering-place, but they had failed.
"What is wanted, my loves," said Mr.
Smithson at breakfast, with the pleasing
modesty of true genius, "is a man of
lo energy-a man who will put his shoulder
to the wheel. I'll have another kidney,
Gwendoline." "Yes, pa, dear, and some
gravy." His wife and daughter loved the
mayor. He had been in the grocery way,
but his mind had ever soared above
mundane things. He knew that there
was sand on the seashore. He knew that
there was sand in the sugar in his shop.
How they were combined he inquired not
of his assistants. He had a soul.
"I shall devote my life the next few
years to the improvement of my native
town. A colossal idea has seized hold
of me. I-I-I shall organise an Aquarium. Think of that, my wife.
Think of that, Gwendoline."
"And then, pa, if the Queen ever comes to open it, or the Prince of
Wales, why, you'll be knighted. Oh, ma, dear, fancy yourself Lady
Smithson I Wouldn't we just cut out the Joneses, that's all."
In his mind's eye Mr. Smithson already saw himself reading an ad-
dress to royalty a yard and a half long. He saw, too, his portrait in the
Royal Academy-" Portrait of Sir James Smithson, M.P., Mayor of
Grogtown; presented to him by the inhabitants of Grogtown."
Swelled with colossal ideas, and coffee, and kidneys, and bacon, the
mayor hurried to council that morning. When the ordinary business
had been disposed of-that is to say when Mr. Smithson had stopped
two of the town council from then and there taking off their coats and
settling a difference-when on the bench he had sentenced a little boy to
a sound flogging for stealing three shrimps that had been accidentally
dropped at the harbour-when he had praised a constable who had gal-
lantly rescued a kitten from falling down a coal-shoot-then at last Mr.
Smithson turned to the subject that occupied that mighty intellect.
"Gentlemen," he began, "we who all love from the bottom of our
hearts the town which gave us birth-I hope, too, that you all con-
scientiously believe that I have ever laboured the best for its welfare."
That's a lie !" said Mr. Higgins, the draper.
"Such language," said Mr. Smithson, "is unparliamentary."
(Several Voices). Call him a taradiddler, and draw it mild, Higgy."
"My idea," continued Mr. Smithson, "that would, so to speak,
recover the drooping spirits of the town, that would start trade once
more, would be to have an 'Aquarium' of our own-an Aquarium that
would blend amusement with instruction. What say you, gentlemen ?"
Mr. Higgins, the leader of the dissenting interest, arose.
"My idea of an Aquarium is of a lot of female acrobats sliding down
ropes, of spotted boys, of young fellows drinking bitter beer at bars. I
say that sich an institootion is not calkelated to improve the morals."
"And female orchestras, too," said Mr. Lyons, the confectioner;
"gals in uniforms, and whacking on big drums, and a-grinning about
like Cheshire cats gone to the Jubilee."
"And what's the good of looking at a lot of half dead mackerel
a-rubbing of their noses against plate-glass ? "
"And who cares about Japanese villages, and hairy men from the
South Sea, and swimming gals, and stalls where you buy a lot of
squashed up toys?"
But Mr. Smithson had immense powers of persuasion.
Now I come to think of it, I have a niece," said Mr. Higgins, who
is quite a Hadelina Patti in the singing way."
"And my son Jack has a tame lobster in the washing-tub in the
back-yard, and that will be something to help in the natural history

way. What with the ballads of our native country and shell-fish
a-walking about, the thing ought to take."
"And my nephew, the accountant, can tell us how to float the
thing," said Mr. Smithson; "let us all be disinterested, and it must work."

A fortnight after a circular was issued, headed-
The Grogtown-Super-Mare Aquarium Company, Limited.
The introduction of an Aquarium m our town having been for some
time mooted, it has been at length resolved by the principal inhabitants
to form a company for its establishment. To prove the strength of its
attraction, and its consequent great success as a commercial undertaking,
the following will give some idea of its programme of entertainment and
The Aquarium. Containing exhibits of the live eel, anemone, winkle,
cockle, star-fish, and flounder; and other more commonly-known in-
habitants of the vasty deep.
The Museum. Containing specimens of the common sardine, the
dried sprat, the Derby chick, &c., &c.
The Lectures. No. I.-Of the difference in the fried fish diet of the
poor of London and the Northern Esquimaux.
The Japanese Village.
The Performing Earwigs.
The justly-celebrated Brother Twinos on the Flying Trapeze.
The Lovely Sisters Chalkemtalker.
The French Ballet,
The Hungarian Band.
The Organ. Twice Daily.
Beer on Draught, &c., &c.
"The beer on draught," said the Mayor, "will touch the lower
orders. The lectures on fried fish and Esquimaux will bring in the
boarding schools. The Lovely Sisters will attract the general public."
The Aquarium was opened.
The performing beetles drew chariots. The lady acrobats slid down
the ropes. The live lobster twaddled his feelers in the tank. The
bitter ale was laid on in the bars. The buns were as stale as they could
be. The celebrated music-hall singers yelled out "Two Lovely Black
The first week 15 was taken at the doors. The second Io. The
third 5. The fourth a petition in Chancery to wind up.
"Yet," said Mr. Smithson, "I tried to make a perfect Aquarium.
Beetles, bitter ale, lady acrobats, and what not. It's my belief that the
days for perfect aquariums are at an end."
Perhaps they are.


'~ -,"; -*

A 1AJn

OF THEM."--Tempest, Act II. Scene 2.

AUGUST 0, 1887. F N. 61


THE philosophers tell us a horrible tale
Of millions of atoms we daily inhale;
Of the bushels of dust that get into each lung,
Till we very soon ought to be full to the bung I
And, on finding this matter clog up our life's ways,
We should dirtily come to the end of our days.
If such pestilent stuff down our throttles is thrust,
The cry of us all should be, "Down with the dust !"
We are told that 'tis only the dust in the air
By which we at all can see anything there;
It reflects the sun's rays, and so gives us the light,
And without it our day would be dark as our night.
It may be as they tell us-I don't say it's not-
But we must be content with the things we have got.
If so useful it is, then 'tis certain we must
Not insist on an absolute "Down with the dust I"
Then they also aver dust gets into the blood,
Not enough, it is true, quite to turn it to mud;
Still the germs of disease enter in by this way,
And will cause all our bodily health to decay.
But they also inform us-in medical terms-
That the blood, in good order, won't swallow the germs.
So we'll keep up our hearts with good liquor, and trust
It will flow through our veins, and will Down with the
dust "
But however they try to surround us with fears
Of the dust we must swallow in life's rolling years;
How we take in a breath, p'r'aps, an ancestor down-
And quite dangerous things, both in country and town.
There is dust of a very delectable kind,
Which 'tis always most pleasant about us to find;
And although we, of course, wish to pay what is just,
We're none of us happy to Down with the dust! "

MONDAY, Ist August.-Steady and stolidy, but by no
means jolly Bank Holiday. Lords decline to observe the
feast of St. Lubbock; consequently, for their sins, their
sitting ends in Smoke-Nuisance Abatement Bill, which in
they deal with very funnel-y. AUN1
Commons.-Redmond elicits from Lord George Hamilton Int
that Prince Louis of Battenberg not yet appointed to com- ".
mand of Dreadnought, but that in all probability he soon will I.
be, Lord George stating, with a disregard of the fate of VULG
that the German in question is the officer best qualified for
the appointment. Probably Lord George's idea of qualification for Com-
mandership in the Queen's Navee is having married the Queen's
granddaughter. But what with the Battenbergs, the Christians, the

I ./ /-.S/-/sf//,@&/ //I/////,/Iw/, // 1

TIE ?"
'elligent Auntie.-"'COMMON OBJECTS OF THE SEA-SHORE.'"
4. (unthinkingly,and bored with questions).-" BECAUSE SO MANY Low,

Good name Battenberg-so used to battening on John Bull's carcass.
J. B. doesn't know which he likes best, the Battenbergs or the Hessian
Fly, or rather the Fly Hessian. Irish Land Bill.-Randy, like another
Hamlet, pitches into Chamberlain, to the delight of the Glad-rads and
the dismay of "Ye Gentlemen of England," who are neither at home
nor at ease when perky Paddington is up. Massacre of the Innocents
by Herodias Smith.
Tuesday.-Salisbury tells Carnarvon that France holds aloof from
Sugar Bounty Conference. La Belle is apparently less concerned with
sugar than coffee and pistols. Still on the breakfast table-this time
Lords dealing with the bettering of butter.
Commons.-Redmond determined not to Louis sight of Louis. Lord
George still unmindful of Ananias. Dillon repudiates the shameful
laughter which from the Irish benches greeted the cowardly assault on
a young lady in charge of party of school children in Belfast.
Wednesday.-House of Commons once again tells Sir Edward
Watkin that safety of country will not be suffered to be interfered with
for the sake of the private enterprise which he is bossing. News that
Falmouth taken in a sham fight, suggestive of what might happen to
Dover in a real one. House by no means relishes prospect of reading
some day
and even Worms turns on Watkin, and tells him he resembles his
Tunnel, inasmuch as
FUN thinks foreigners come into England quickly enough already.
Thursday.-Lord Macnaghten moves second reading of Truck Bill,
which FUN hopes won't be shunted.
Commons.-Sir George Trevelyan arrives fresh from "the second
city." Military, Naval, and big-wig members scandalised that House
should dare to consider the censure of one of themselves, responsible for
the Blundering or Plundering, or both, in connection with defective arms.

Leiningens, the Hesses, the Saxe-Weimars, the Gleichens, the Tecks,
and the rest of the
where would John Bull be in case of

62 FU N. AUGUST IO, 1887.

INNOCENT NEWSPAPER EDITOR. Now, let me see. How can I turn
the power and influence of my paper to the best account for the public
good? I will
print some
strong articles
and so on, in
support of the
(smiling benign-
Soly). Very well
said, my son.
Allow us to pat
your very de-
serving head.
You are an or-
nament to your
profession It
is in greater
part owing to
the good work
done by such as
you, in boldly
and fearlessly writing in support of the laws of your country, that that
country owes its sound and enduring, &c., &c.
IN. ED. Thank you. Your approval nerves my arm for the task.
Now, let me see: what scandal is most in vogue just at the present ?
Ah !-that butterine business. You have the greatest abhorence of
adulteration, haven't you?
THE LAWS (taken unawares). Eh 1-what? Certainly not This is
a great trading community. What are you talking a- A-hem-I
mean-yes I Decidedly Of course-ye-ees.
IN. ED. (fancying he must have used the wrong expressions). Perhaps
I should have said, parts of you are framed with the object of putting
down adultera-.
THE LAWS. Stuff and nonsense Quite the rever- no, no--I
mean, oh yes, certainly-quite so-ye-ees (with a great efort). By
assisting us to trample out this scourge you will be conferring priceless
and lasting benefit upon the-er-- (breaks down in the efTort).
IN. ED. Here goes, then! Here is a firm of swindlers injuring the
public health by making up putrid soap-fats into an imitation of butter.
I will give a full description of their goings-on in my columns, and open
the eyes of the pub--
THE LAWS. What e-you'd better I You just let me catch you at--
no, no I--I mean, ye-es; a very laudable work.
IN. ED. There !-there's the article. I've published the name and
address of the firm of swindlers in full.
THE LAWS. How --the deuce you have What do you mean by
placing obstacles in the way of trade and commerce? I'll teach you
to- Here hi you butterine firm. Here's a capital chance for you
to get heavy damages for libel against the editor. Go it I will assist
you in every way. Look here, let's put our heads together. Now you
complain to me about being libelled-see ?
THE BUTTERINE SwrnDLERS. If you please, Laws, this editor has
libelled us, and injured honest trade.
THE LAWS (eagerly). Ha just so! He must pay you 20o,00oo
and costs,
IN. ED. But
... what I stated is
true in sub-
stance and---
Silence, sir!
What does that
matter ?
IN. ED. And
I did it all for
the publicgood.
(betrayed into
S frankness).
Hang thepublic
good What
have we to do
with the public
made in the interests of tra-- good? We are
BUTTERINE SWINDLERS (aside). Shish Don't be so rash.
THE LAws. Ehb? No-we forgot ourselves. (To Defendant.) We

mean to say we are made in the public interest against those who speak
the truth. No-no-we should say against malicious libellers.
IN. ED. (having smarted.) Then, if you please, Laws, is there any-
thing in the public interest line that you will allow me to do?
THE LAWS. Oh, dear, yes I So long as you do not interfere with the
interests of rich and influential trades-those who have, or are likely to
have, a seat in Parliament-nor expose the swindles, jobbery, and
scandals of the Public Departments-nor say too much about those
engaged in administering the laws (by which we mean being insolent to
counsel who may happen to be gratuitously injuring innocent witnesses,
and, as officers of the court, distorting the truth), you may go ahead as
fast as you like. Here's your tip-always select power swindlers without
influence to attack, and We shall not interfere. Have a fling at small
tradesmen, and burglars, and hungry beggars who steal a bun-d'ye see?
Now, we really can't waste more time over you; we have a lot of cant
to get through to-day.

[What we may expect if the Echo's suggestion that women practise as barbers is
put into effect.]
THFY flocked from all parts of the City,
-., All eagerly longing to share
Th' attentions of neat-fingered, pretty
Young artistes in masculine hair;
The genius with long unkempt tresses,
The heads which coarse stubbles adorn,
Now bow to these young barberesses,
And beg to be shaven and shorn.
Young Sophit, an out-and-out masher,
Though beardless, each day wants a shave,
And swaggering Captain McSlasher
Comes hither as meek as a slave.
Why, even young Binks, whose expenses
Were nothing a week-or, p'r'aps, less-
Now freely spends many sixpences,
Quite charmed by a fair barberess.
And then, oh, the pounds that they lavish
On washes, and powders, and dyes,
For Tootsie, although she may ravish
Their hearts with a glance from her eyes,
With the same eyes looks after the profits,
And while the sun shines makes her hay,
For she knows that McSlashers and Sophits
Can, shall, will, and must freely pay.

Watches were made to go.
ONE night, recently, after Sir George Trevelyan had addressed five
thousand persons in St. Andrew's Hall, Glasgow, a large number rushed
to the platform to shake hands with him, one of whom rushed Sir George
of his gold watch, which we may presume was a leaver and in good
going order. The thief, by being there at the right moment, may be
said to have realized the expression "the nick of time."





WE see him first a simple boy Arriving next at man's estate
When donkey rides were all his joy. He seeketh for himself a mat

SIrPsoN was an old and trusted commercial traveller, of portly and
rubicund appearance. Simpson was no crotchet-monger, but he had
one little eccentricity, viz., when-
ever red herrings were procur-
able, he ate them for breakfast,
well dusted with salt. One
sultry August morning when he
had consumed five soldiers,"
and emptied the contents of
two salt-cellars, a forward, fast
H youth said, rather nervously,
"Beg pardon, Mr. Simpson,
but why do you take such a
quantity of salt, sir, with salt
food at early morn?" "Be-
cause, by eleven o'clock I get a

take a five-pun' note, young
man," growled Simpson, plant-
ing on his hat firmly, and retir-
ing in a dignified manner. Then
the forward, fast youth looked
quite awe-stricken, melancholy,
and crushed.

A REAL live Bishop recently
sent a large sum of money to
the Chancellor of the Exchequer as conscience-money. Mr. Moses,
commenting on this virtuous act, said, S'help me to shell out a-nin-
come-tax he'd escaped. Vot a nincompoop I"

WE are rejoiced to hear that the French Prefect of Police has ordered
the release of Baron Seilliere from a private lunatic asylum. It seems
that the Baron paid a visit to America, and on his return to France told
tall stories that the Baron Munchausen would not have been ashamed
of. Several of his relatives were so astounded at his snake narratives
that they made up their minds he was insane, and they had him locked
up forthwith. The Baron has now gone out to America again to collect
new material for tales.

SUPPOSE a party of Moonlighters made a raid on your premises and
demanded your arms?" said a correspondent to a sturdy Orangeman.
"Oi'd kape the guns and give them the contints," was the trite answer.

A DOCTOR states that a curious outbreak of convulsionist mania has
shown itself at Agosta in the province of Rome. The sufferers are
mostly young women who have come to the conclusion that the district
is under the government of venerable Nicholas. The deluded damsels
meander about giving vent to piercing shrieks, and, when they are tired
of screaming, curl up into violent convulsions. The medical men having
proved themselves unable to cope with these hysterical attacks, the Prefect
of Agosta has found it necessary to send detachments of soldiers into the
district in order to calm the apprehensions of the fair ones. The warriors
are most zealous in their difficult work, and have already worked wonders.

N. 63


-' c' _

S Behold him now the married man Declining years we next behold
te. With Tommy, Jane, and Mary Ann. And briefly thus his life is told. S

"HAVE you ever undergone an examination before?" said a doctor
to a flippant man who had been induced by his friends to try to insure
his life. "Um-er-well-yes-three times in bankruptcy," was the

A LADY correspondent informs us that the latest novelty in parasol
handles is a giant head of asparagus, and that elderly bucks who doze at
garden parties, often wake up suddenly, make vicious snaps at them
with their false teeth, and call vaguely for melted butter.

ACCORDING to an authority, about 150 members of the House of
Commons are connected with the liquor traffic. This may account for
some of the intemperate language that has become the order of the
day-and night-in our Senate.

A FEW days back an animal built somewhat in the shape of a man
refused to go to the assistance of a child who had tumbled into a
shallow pond; consequently the infant was drowned. The animal's ex-
cuse for not wading into the water and pulling the youngster out was
that he had his best clothes on. Wonder what sort of best clothes he'll
be attired in after his departure from this planet.

A FEW nights ago an elderly Scotchman tried to embrace an Italian
girl who was playing on a tambourine in the streets. Italy's daughter
resented the attempted familiarity, and gave the amorous Scot a left-
hander from the shoulder, which knocked him into the gutter. He was
picked up with a broken thigh and conveyed to the nearest hospital.
The elderly Scotchman now affects the tone of a martyr, says all
daughters of Eve are a cruel, wicked lot, and never even attempts to
kiss the hospital nurses.

A PLAYFUL young man, who fractured his sweetheart's jaw a few
weeks back, has been bound over to keep the peace for two months.
He was a little too previous. No man ought to interfere with a girl's
"jaw" until he has married her.

A CONFIRMED kleptomaniac has died at a ripe old age in the work-
house. The late unlamented's convictions date from 1847 to 1886, the
sentences varying from 14 days' "hard" to seven years' penal servitude.
He begged that no tombstone bearing a flattering inscription should be
erected to his memory.

SIR," said an elderly city merchant the other day, while talking to
a confidential friend on the marriage question, "Sir, I assure you I
should never think of tyrannizing over my girl's young affections in any
way. If she marries the man of my choice, I don't care a hang whom
she loves." "Ah," replied the friend with a sympathetic sigh, "Ah,
it isn't every parent that has such broad, kindly views as you have, old
man ; come and have a glass of dry sherry at the Bodega."

A BOSKY young man was mesmerised at Soissons lately, and the
magnetiser said to the patient, I forbid you to drink wine for a fort-
night." This command had a most peculiar effect on the magnetised
party. Fourteen days elapsed ere he would carry a glass of fermented
grape-juice to his lips without his muscles becoming paralysed; there-
fore the wretched wight was reduced to imbibing spirits.

S To CORRESPONDENTS.--Tke Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return. or Sav for Contribtions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and dtrecrtd envelope.



t'' /1 sr j

THE EARLY BATHER.-Samuel Isaacs.-" S'help me I 'Ow nice and refreshin' a bath
RETURN OF SMACKS.-Balhing-.Mlachine Proprietress.-"Now, none of yar airs 'ere, ;
Low TIDE.-Infatuated Bridegroom.-" Maudie-Maudie, excuse my strange conduct or
Fair Bride (in 7 ath-chair).-"Oh, go to Bath, you idiot I" RISE OF THE GLASS.-MAo
gin-sling I've had this afternoon, and yet I feel hotter than ever." A DANGEROUS COAST.-
as is regular mashed on us." Aggy (to May).-" For goodness sake, let's move; here are t]
Cove.-Stuntson (to himself).-" Well, hang me if I've seen a well-built man since I've bt
Young Damsels.-" Goodness gracious! there's an old gentleman coming." CUTTERS.-
Brown." Brown.-"Dash it all! here's that miserable idiot Robinson." ROUGH ON TIH
been a flirting' disgraceful with my daughter. Will you wed her, or die ?" Peer.-" Well-
the matter, gov'nor."
the matter, gov'nor."

I, 1

nt. '5



is when a man
yer 'ussey!"
n the sands, bu
ntmorency Jone
-Ary (to Alf)
hose two horrid
een down here.'
Robinson.--" C
[E PEER.-Lod,
-er-just give

"When Duncan is asleep--." JUST OUT. PRICE ONE SHILLING EACH.
ExACTLY! When Duncan, or rather the firm of James Duncan and HONOURS DIVIDED: OR, FAIRLY PLAYED.
Co., is asleep, look out. These are the people who have patented all BY H. T. JOHNSON.
sorts and kinds of umbrellas, and have lately introduced one which folds
up smaller than any other yet made. This is effected by the stick being A ET O A T
made of steel. We all know that "he who steals my purse steals 0 _6'LK :F T-T E" T -S.
trash ;" but he who steels our umbrellas with the result mentioned, is a BY H. T. JOHNSON.
public benefactor.
A JUtGE has decided that under the Wild Birds Protection Act a
young tame jackdaw is a wild bird. A high legal soar, we guess READY 25th. SLOPER'S SUMMER NUIMBER. ONE PENTY,

9*00900******* "TONGA

: In the treat-
* m uent of
*** N eu tr. G^ GUARANTEED
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have prescribed it."--Medical Press. nor spurt, the points being rounded by a new process. S L UBLE.
Ask your Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample
219, 4,6, and 11- Of all Chemists. BOx, or send 7 stamps to C. BRANDAUr R and Co.'s
2s/W,9, 4WO/, Band rI1 of; or to their Whoelsal BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.
Warehouse, 24 King Edward Street, London, E.C.


AUGUST 0I, 1887.

LffW T4'

haint 'ad one for a year !" A
Visitor.-" You're another!"
.t I love you to distraction!"
s.-" Whew this is the tenth
.-" Them's the two little gals
d cads coming." A LITTLE
A SMART RUN.-Nervous
Confound it! here's that brute
-ing-House Keeper.-" You've
me five minutes to think over

AUGUST 17, I887.




DoW3v TIe FRordT BLilos.


CiorcgFES is joq 1 To fITRiPRATTE JAMEs TW'ITKs OF


SOT rc

1> TOW_- N. Lbqbs.__-,_ T@Y OL U____________ -
FiTZ.-LoV R. fiT.,s TI, DE S1,1eFr i tlTO$S bT ijT R, IC O r TtY 8 rr,,L bf J, 1 li, olY1. '-T BE ~ obUD

VOL. XLVIi-NO, I162,

_ __ _~II I ___



AUGUST 17, 1887.

---- i s HERE was just a word or two
Sa A more to be said about the per-
jl former in The Bells of Haslemere
P It,! when space cut me short last
!. week. A remark upon the
ni. ,k "'e sprightly cleverness of Miss Clara
\ < Jecks is a thing without which no
?/ A notice of the piece could possibly
h be considered complete, and as
-'- :' Miss Millward plays the heroine,
I- and (although there is rather little
: -l' to do) plays it gracefully and well,
: a mention of that lady's name is
J- T ---. also a sine qud non-so, will you
I' '_ please take it that the remark
SI' Vand the mention are both hereby
made with all impressiveness.
\ Then there is Mr. E. W. Garden,
'' who is good for the raising of
any amount of hilarity as the
"faithful blacksmith," who is
-.-. ready to leave his brand-new wife
THi ADELPHI Norah- she should totakecareof herself and followthe
have appeared 'ast week, but we hero over the wide Atlantic on the
didn't intentionally ig.Norah. smallest provocation. Then there
are Messrs. John Beauchamp, S. Hayes, and R. Courtniedge-good
men, and true; Mr. E. Dagnall, a very good nigger; Mr. J. H.
Darnley, a capital, if rather noisy, Yankee skipper; and lastly-though
far from leastly-Miss Helen Forsyth, as the sweetest, tenderest female
Irish-American-the laste taste" of a spitfire, too-Norah Desmond.

I'M told, by-the-way, that these Bells have got into capital "swing,"
and look like ringing a lengthy peal-I say, I'm tolled so.

THE STRAND.-Mr. Charrington evidently considers the reception
accorded to Devil Caresfoot at its afternoon performance at the Vaude-
ville last month, a sufficient encouragement to present the play to
"regular" evening audiences. He has accordingly done so at this
house. Far be it from me to say that he is wrong-the play has a great
deal of merit (and that is not to be said, with conscience, of many
mnatin&e productions)-but, leaving out of consideration the great truth
that a play may king it freely in the matinee world and yet have to take
much lower rank in the land of evening shows, and the lesser truth that
August rather handicaps the best of plays ; the piece in question is want-
ing in proportion, weak in the rather important factor of humour, and
many of its sublimities sail perilously near to the ridiculous. It has,
however, undoubtedly, a curious attraction; there is something weird in
this "will-power" which appears so often in the novel and the play, and
so not often in real life, which interests or irritates according to the
temper you're in.

ALLOWING for some "theatricalities" it is played thoroughly, and

-- ; %.
Zs 4;/

~/ /

rst dfummer.--" The piece is such a confounded go I've not been able to have a
holiday all summer."
and Mummer.-" Well, look here, I've had a holiday since Christmas. You take
some of that, and I'll play your part if you like-have the price of a shave then,
for all it is worth-in fact I haven't got rid of my first impression that it
is a triumph of acting over play-the cast is practically the same. The

air of quietly conscious power, and the sardonic amused contempt for
his victims which Mr. Charrington shows as "Devil" Caresfoot, the
free youthfulness of Mr. Fuller Mellish's young lover, and the interesting,
clever, fresh, and attractive (though by no means faultless) performance
of Miss Achurch are of course assisted in gaining attention by the pro-
minence of the characters represented, as is Miss Carlotta Addison's
very complete performance of an "adventuress." But the crisp, clean
representation of an old man by Mr. Royce Carleton, the well-rounded
picture of an old gentleman (whose position is not very clearly pour-
trayed) by Mr. Dodsworth, the fussy and funny fatuity of Mr. Eric
Lewis's Lord Minster, and the light exhilarating touch of Miss Lottie
Venne as a coleopterous widow (if I may be allowed the incorrect ex-
pression), are decidedly not indebted to such extraneous interest,

THE PAVILION.-The Bank Holiday programme here is just as
strong as the last, and the next won't be any better-that's because it's
as good as it can be (of its kind) and you can't very well improve on
that. At least, I suppose not,

SHALL I go through the programme and tell you what I think of each
performer? I think not. I don't think much of music hall "talent,"
you know, and I might hurt your feelings-and theirs. Still, for you,
you others who like it (and small blame to you for liking what you like),
I may tell you that Slade Murray is there, and Rickards, and Sam Red-
fern, and De Voy, Leclercq, "& Co.," and "Dutch Daly." Then

Ist "No Fee "-r.-" Well, I must say I like this time o year, you can sit down a
2nd '"N o Fee "-r (with sarcasm).-" H'm! More sits than sixpences."

there are Mr. and Mrs. Harry Watson, "duettists" (there are three of
them, but I suppose the "other feller" is only the "accompani-
ment"); the Sisters Bilton-the jolly-looking one and the one who
has been told that a sleepy, how-dare-you-speak-to-me expression best
suits her style of beauty; Sarina, an all-serener as a contortionist--"he
contorts gracefully," to quote a rather mixed phrase I once found in a
"Contemporary Paper" (price 6d.); Miss Katie Seymour; bright-
faced Miss Minnie Mario (like a tocherless lassie," without her Dot I);
two sets of Irish comedians-Fergusson and Mac, and Sweeney and
Ryland; the Bohee Brothers (where are the Souchong Sisters? Come I
Hurry up I Been expecting you a long time); the Wilson acrobats;
Miss Lottie Collins, with that dance of hers; Messrs. Rowe and Athol;
Miss Harriet Wear-none; Professor Wingfield ; and that awful Mr. C.
Godfrey. There! I've been betrayed into the expression of an
opinion But it came out when I wasn't looking, and the printer says
he "can't overrun the whole galley just for that," so let who will
"wonder what it's doing in that galley"- Vogue la galere, in point of

NODS AND WINKS.-Mr. Harris announces that Drury Lane will
open with Pleasure for the autumn. Why hasn't a "serious" paper
said he will open with Payne at Christmas, and palmed the jocu-
larity off on "the comics" ?-Toole's, under the temporary command of
Mr. John Clayton, will open with Dandy Dick on the loth prox.-The
Era says a lady who was to have played a prominent part in The Doctor
(and presumably didn't) is now engaged to play Galatea at South
Shields; so you see there are compensations for all things.

__ jl _1_(_ 1_____1_1 11~ ~I~ I


AUGUST 17, I887. E'IT N 67

Dollie and Addie (ensemble).-" ARE'NT THEY DELIGHTFUL, DARLING OLD FELLOWS ?'

A Song of St. Grouse.
HERE is the season when guns are looked out,
And moorwards the shootist takes wing;
And with more or less skill he goes popping about,
Thinking shooting a glorious thing.
He hasteth from town dressed in special array,
And priding himself on his nous;
He reckons to kill all that comes in his way
Whene'er he goes after the grouse.
So, if anyone asks, Where are all our M.P.'s ?
So noble, unselfish, and grand-
Our Members who all bow to Wisdom's decree,
And seek but the good of our land-
Or what are they doing, and where have they gone ?
For lo, they have fled from the House-"
You safely may answer that querist anon,
They have only gone after the grouse."
Yea, M.P.'s who in babble their views have expressed
On matters they don't comprehend,
Now seek, on the moors, recreation and rest-
From stern duty, as 'twere, they unbend.
And those whom some member, mayhap, has big Dee'd-
Until they were scared, like a mouse-
Now free for a while from all terror, proceed
To seek consolation in grouse.

Now, FUN is a man who hates cynical ways;
He is kind, yes, despite his great state,
And (whene'er there's a chance) he would much rather praise,
Than denounce, and go in for a "slate."
But really, now, most of the senator-crew
Indulge in such pranks in the House,
That we wish, when they muddle whatever they do,
They would never soar higher than grouse !

Woman and her work.
AT the International Exhibition to be held at Glasgow next year, one
section will be devoted to the Industries of Women. A propos of this,
a daily paper says : In no previous exhibition of any time has it ever
been attempted to bring together and classify the various industries of
women." We do not know about that, but we have often seen women
make an exhibition of themselves.

UPON my word I do think Flatman is the biggest little fool I ever
met. He read about the frauds by means of gilt Jubilee sixpences, and
he procured twenty Jubilee half-sovereigns, and-with some silvering
solution-made them all look like silver. Last night he danced into
the office in high glee, exclaiming, "I've done it, I've done it I've
passed the whole twenty, and everybody I gave 'em to thinks they're
sixpences. Ain't there a lot of gypes in the world? And how easily
you can take people in, if you set your mind to it."

_ -~----------

68 FUTJN AuoUsT y7, 1887.

THEaR is a most interesting type of Ancient Rustic whom you are certain to meet if you venture into rural parts on foot. We know him well, and have a case full or
his kind with pins through them.

He marks your coming, and blocks your way at a narrow place. He then remarks, "Marnin' surr I Gwine tew Mudburv, surr? Yew'll be 'ave to cross this
medder, and turn down a layen an' coo by a farrum and turn reownd by a- Beant a gooin' tew Mudbury, eh? Then yew'll be gooin' to Moldbury. Yew'll be
'ave to goo paast yon pen an reownd by-eh 2 Nart a gooin' to Moldbury neether ?" Now, still conversing, he hobbles in front and trip; you up.
...... ru- bT i n' ^.

Anon, being unable to keep up, he essays to moderate your pace to his. He continues:-" Ah, then, yew'll be gooin' to Podminster : well, yew'll be 'ave tew
taake the thurrd layen on- Knows y'wer way quite well, doee? Bin scores o' times, eh? Well, my father as lived 'ere man 'an boy fur nigh seventy year 'ad a
wite-facedsow as tuk down wi' measles regler every Witsantide; and 'is Aunt Sabby as used to saay as she'd rather chuck urrself m the water than goo to the ouse-"

Full half the day he hies with you, till ar rom his native skies. Then he says:-" Well, I'd come a bit furrer ef it wuzza't fur the roomatiz, an' mebbee you
haven't a bit o' baccy on you ur to spare?" And that's what the old gentleman has gone through all that labour for. What a queer old party. Why doesn't he ask
for it at first?

IUIN .-AUGUST 17, 1887.

Courteous Stranger to Friend John.-"I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR; BUT I THINK YOU DROPPED THIS."

70 I 'T N AUGUST 17, 1887.

It is beautiful to see how condescending we can be in the choice of our company when that choice is limited. Observe the kindly influence ot a sea voyage in this respect.

First day.-Mental observations. What a snob Second day.-" Rather fresh this morning I'' Thirdday.-" Can I offer you my glasses, sir? There
that fellow on the seat is 1" "Regular cad that are a few hur.dred ironclads off to starboard
idiot in the light suit 1"

Fourth day.-" The best of a sea voyage, you know, is Last day.-" Good-bye I I'm awfully glad to have made And yet, three months afterwards, they
that you meet so many jolly people that you might never your acquaintance. See you again, some day, I hope met in the street and passed bne another in
meet ashore Hope so, indeed I Good-bye, old fellow I" this fashion I

As if I should feel sentimental in thinking of the seaside. Bah The
first seaside place I ever went to was Margate. Those were the days of
the old Assembly Rooms. People danced polkas. I remember there
was a girl singing at the concert a song, Mamma won't bring me out;"
and I wished mamma hadn't brought her out, for all the squalling that
she made. I always hate Margate, because it's the first place that
bathing-machines were ever brought out at. The other day I saw a
print of this. Margate's much older than Brighton? I wish that both
of 'em were old enough to die out, that I do. Years ago, at Margate,
the great thing was to lure girls on to the jetty just before high tide, and
then enjoy their squawks when the tide came in and squirted through
the planks. Margate's not like what it used to be.
And as to Eastbourne-bah, too I I say. All that you've got to do
there is to walk up to the top of Beachy Head and back again; or else
to stand staring at the water at Splash Point. Catch me doing anything
of the sort. Hastings, too. Who, in the name of common sense, can
find any pleasure in walking to Fairlight Glen to see water trickling
down, half a pint at a time, between a lot of dried-up stumps of trees ?
You can go and see Battle Abbey. Can you ? Who wants to go and
see Battle Abbey? I don't, for one. William the Conqueror, and all
that. What do 1 care about William the Conqueror, I should like to
know? He was nothing whatever to do with me. I should think he
was the sort of monarch who would have invented income-tax if he had
had a chance to think of it. My paper's just come in. Confound their
impudence, I say, just when you are thinking of going away, too.
Perhaps Imight go to Scarborough. I'm not quite such a fool as all

that, I don't find any pleasure in riding about in pony-carriages, and
going to hotel carpet-dances, and hearing Birmingham people squeak at
the top of their voices. Well, Yarmouth Yarmouth-bah, again !
Everything in the place is filled with sand. It gets into your very eggs.
Go to the Norfolk Broads? Nor to the narrows neither. 1 don't find
any pleasure in sailing about in a filthy barge looking at osier-cutters'
and rush-cutters' cottages, I've a little too much sense for that, anyhow.
Perhaps I might content myself with going to Southend. I'm not over
likely to do that. I'm not so fond of Sunday-school teachers' parties
and shrimp teas. I might go out of the country to Boulogne, then.
Well, as I don't exactly happen to be an uncertificated bankrupt, I'm
not going to amuse myself by doing that. The fact is, I won't go to the
seaside at all, I've made up my mind to it. What, cleaning up the
club? Then-then-it-I must. I can't be poisoned. I'll go to
Brighton. Bah I DIOGENES TuBBS.

THE proprietress of a sweetstuff shop lately declined to join a branch
of the Primrose League which has sprouted forth in a small provincial
town. A local schoolmaster was so indignant at the woman's un-
patriotic conduct that he gave stringent orders to his pupils that they
must no longer purchase bull's-eyes, butterscotch, hard-bake, liquorice,
&c., from the traitress to her country. Luckily the midsummer holidays
have come round, and the urchins no longer flatten their moist noses
against the Radical dame's windows and suffer the tortures of Tantalus.
But it hasn't dawned on the foolish Tory pedagogue that he has been
doing his level best to turn all his youthful charges into Red

AUGUST 17, x887. IUN 71

DR. CHARCOT opines that under the direct influence of the mesmerist,
the most confirmed inebriate may be reclaimed and turned into a highly
respectable squash- monger,

fairly acquired an influence
over the parched creature.
There's only one little difficulty
in the way, as far as we see,
/ iand that is, the confirmed
S dipsomaniac is rather more
dangerous to tackle than a
caged hyena. We once had
the misfortune of witnessing
a highly-charged party sub-
jected to mesmerism. He
bore the operation blandly for
about fifteen minutes, then he

self a bull terrier, and mis-
took the professor for a rat.
Stalwart friends on the plat-
S form interposed, so there was
no Crowner's 'quest, after all.
THERE are very few wasps
about this season. A learned
Johnnie states that it is just about a century since they were so scarce.
Some folk are apt to insist that long memory is akin to genius; if
they are correct in their surmise, what a highly-gifted being the said
learned Johnnie must be. Not many of us can carry back the recollec-
tion of our first wasp's-sting, to the data of one hundred years.

THE Prefect of the Department of Meurthe en Moselle has given the
proprietors of a German toy manufactory notice that they must close
their establishment within three months; while the German Govern-
ment has announced its intention to discharge thirty-eight Frenchmen,
who are employed on the railway between Igney and Avricourt. The
men of both nations seem to be drifting into pettiness that a parcel of
spoilt schoolgirls might well be ashamed of. Why don't they either fight
or shake hands? The feeble venom they indulge in is a disgrace to

A HORNY-HANDED unwashed son of toil was arrested recently on a
charge of snaring birds contrary to the law. On being searched eleven
young larks were found all alive and kicking inside the lining of his
highly odoriferous coat. From this we conclude that larks, though
dainty delicate-eating, must be quite as tough as ostriches in constitution.

THE body of an old American war-horse was recently buried with
military honours. The gallant charger was thirty-seven years old when
he cantered off for ever, the immediate cause of his death being the
bursting of a blood-vessel while he and his master were witnessing a
gaudy display of fireworks. A Methodist clergyman made an address
at the grave, and stated that he felt convinced the gee-gee's spirit had
not fled to that place where fireworks are at a premium.

MR. CARNEGIE, the Scoto-American millionaire, who is so fond of
spouting and airing his Republican principles in this country, indig-
nantly denies that he refuses to rise when the health of the Queen is
proposed. On the contrary, he not only rises, but invariably sings
"God save the Queen" on such occasions, Her Majesty will doubt-
less feel much flattered on hearing this.

THE Rev. Edward White has kindly informed creation that he spent
an evening with General" Booth of the Salvation Army recently. It
appears that the General" wore a red waistcoat on this festive occa-
sion, which at first was a great eyesore to Edward, but at last he
became so charmed by the "earnestness" he found in the veteran
Salvationist, that he forgot all about the ruddy article of apparel which
covered the "General's" lower chest. Eventually Mr. White left,
entirely neglecting to tell the noble Geneial" that black waistcoats
are more decorous than red.

A GENTLEMAN who writes to a contemporary growling at the in-
numerable perambulators that are wheeled about the streets by nurse-
girls, whines :-" I frequently come into collision with the machinery
of these juvenile vehicles, so ill-placed and badly-controlled, up to late
at night." Had he sought the advice of Mr. Newton, the eminent
magistrate, instead of ventilating his grievance in a paper, that worthy
"beak would have questioned his privilege to be in the streets at all,
and would have sternly informed him that he had no right whatever to
meander about town after dusk.

Losing his Head.
DEAR Mr. Bright,
'Tis scarce polite
An old and close ally to smite;
Because, you see
Both you and he
Have up till now in amity
Work'd side by side with utmost zeal,
To consummate your country's weal.
Good Mr. Bright,
I think you might
Elsewhere find foes more fit to fight;
Trounce, if you can,
Some other than
Your ancient friend, the Grand Old Man,
Nor let your intimacy's close
Be darken'd by exchange of blows,
Poor Mr. Bright,
You pain us quite
By virulence that don't seem right
A Man of Peace
Should surely cease
From ought that may ill-will increase.
Alas I that it should e'er be said,
" The People's Tribune's lost his head I"

Chatty Client.-"You all seem singularly merry in the office
this afternoon Wilson. Eh? "
Lawyer's Clerk (cheerfully).-"Well-er-no sir, I can hardly
go so far as to admit that; but, as a matter of fact, things are a bit
easy with us'to-day. Confidentially, sir, old Mr. Latitat, the
senior partner, in a moment of temporary aberration has mistaken
prussic acid for sherbert-and first thing in the morning, too
Isn't it shocking, sir ?"

72 'U I'. AUGUST 17, 1887*


V R Phew. I can't
$/$^ work this wea-
ther I Sammy,
Sgo and rig me up
a hammock
under the wal-
nut tree-shady
I side, mind-and
then take me
out a pail of
S' brandy and
S soda; and place
/boulders of ice
round the ham-
\ mock on the
grass; and carry
q me out in a thin
sheet; and place
me in the ham-
mock; and put a moderate-sized flat piece of ice down my back;
and now bring the bellows and blow me-that's it. Now hand
me the newspaper, and I'll read all the cooling paragraphs I
can find-Sir Edward Watkin's coolness in trotting out his Chan-
nel Tunnel again, and the coolness existing between Mr. and Mrs.
Langworthy, and-What's this? "Fire-great fire at Whiteley's-
miles of buildings burnt out-intense heat of the conflagation"-
oh, stop it! Take the paper away, and bring more ice. Ooh
I'm better now; let me try again. What's this ?-" Epping Forest on
fire-one million acres in a blaze-no water at hand"-Good heavens !
The pail-quick! I'll try another page. There, now-"Whitby
Moors are on fire in consequence of the intense heat." Oh, mercy I
Take me away anywhere-anywhere. There-burn this cruel news-
paper-no, no-not burn Freeze it. No, freeze me: put me in the
freezing-machine, and place the freezing-machine at the bottom of the
well; and block up the mouth of the well with a great slab of ice; and
keep on fanning the top of that. That's it-Ho! Here Hi! Murder !
You've let this dreadful newspaper, containing all those conflagations,
down with me I'm alight I Where is the fire-brigade ?-oh, I know :
Its whole available resources are monopolized by Mrs. Brown's chimney
on fire, and there isn't a hose or a man left in Rotherhithe, Clapham,
Hoxton, Chelsea, Wapping, Tooley Street, Hampstead, Blackheath,
Acton, or the Sandwich Islands I All hope of coping with me is at an
end I Hi You won't need to cremate me 1
S S *
(The following will hold good for any period, past, present, or to come.)
THE POOR DELUDED (sometimes known as the B.P). Ha What's
this I read: It has been found out that the war-club of the British
soldier is made of tinder. The task that now lies before us is to place
the blame on the right shoulders, and make an example of the
offenders, be they high or humble." I am thankful it has been found
out, as now, of
course,the abuse
is as good as re-
Sformed, and the
offenders are as
S- good as pun-
Sished. Perhaps
S ti the newspaper

knows the offen-
ders' names.
Yes-I do know
Their names;
but I'd like to
see myself hav-
\ I ing to pay en-
ough to keep
the criminals in
champagne for the rest of their days for libelling them No, thankee-
not good enough I
THE P.D. Well, of course the Government know their names; I'll
ask them.
THE GOVERNMENT. Oh yes, we know who the rascals are; but you
don't suppose we're going to help the public against the official gentle.

men who prey upon it. Why, they are of our own kidney, bless you I
But we'll make a show of pretending to make believe to feign to sift
this scandal to the very dregs if you like.
THE P.D. Well, I shall ask a private member, as a last resource.
FIRST PRIVATE MEMBER. Eh! Oh yes, I have more than an idea
who the criminals are; but considering that they are very influential
personages by whom I expect some day to be helped to office-why.
But I'll make a show of enquiring all about it in an indignant speech,
if you wish it.
SECOND PRIVATE MEMBER. He he What next? Very reason-
able to expect that I'm going to lose the favour of the Government and
the odd chance of that snug sinecure I have my eye on, just to shield
the public from being robbed and our soldiers from being murdered I
He, he But I'll make a show, &c., &c.
THIRD PRIVATE MEMBER. What! No, no. I like to be fair.
How can I ever expect to make my little bit out of the deluded public
if I blow on the jobberies of others? I wish to do as I would be done
by. How dare you try to tempt me from the paths of rectitude and
honour. Go away. By-the-way, just to keep up appearances, I will
ask a question in the House if you care for that.
THE CULPRITS. Oh dear! Somehow our names have leaked out;
and now we shall have to be pun-
man of honour). No, no. Don't disturb yourselves; it's all right.
Get behind us; we'll shield you. That's it. It has
blown over now; so you can be raised to the peerage and have large
pensions now, and that will make way for other unprincipled gentlemen
to fill your vacant places and feather their nests.
THE POOR DELUDED (several years after). Why, it has come to
light that the war-club of the British soldier is still made of tinder in
spite of all that fuss !

I SAW in a paper the other day, The true friend of temperance is
the man who seeks for such measures as appeal to common sense."
The true friend of intemperance is the man who seeks for such
measures as hold from a pint upwards and appeal to the very common
sense of thirst.



'/ /

Merchant of Venice, Act IV., Scene I.

------- ---- L- -..-1--~.~ 111111 ___

AUGUST 17, i887. FUJN. 73

THE reader of Longman's, after pondering over the finish of -
both Allan Quatermaine and Thraldom," will do well to
cogitate over Toxicopolis" (or in-toxicopolis, it might be),
and the evils of alcoholic poisons, and then spend a few plea-
sant moments "At the Sign of the Ship."-Passing through -
the pages of The Englih Illustrated, this month, is to enjoy
"Walks in the Wheat Fields," laughs at the humours of "Sir .
Pilberry Diddle," the sensationalism of Marzio's Crucifix,"
"AVisit in a Dutch Country House," "A Secret Inheritance," /
and all the exquisite illustrations.-We cannot enumerate all '/, '
that is good in Scribner's, but to vary the pleasure derived /
from acquaintance with "Seth's Brother's Wife"-"The
Letters of Thackeray "-"The Picturesque Quality of Hol- / X L,,/ /,
land "-become acquainted with "The Instability of the At-

Fire I
THERE'S a dull red glow in the evening sky,
There's a clatter of hurrying feet
And, "Fire I"-a hoarse and terrible cry-
Comes echoing down the street.
Then, manned with its brave and resolute crew,
The engine comes thundering past-
'Tis a good tough fight, but they pump and they hew,
And the demon is conquered at last.
And night by night, the terrible fight
Is urged with untiring will,
And many a life of husband, or wife,
Or child will reward their skill.
But men are few and horses are few,
And engines are much the same,
For money is short-that sinew and thew-
To war with the raging flame.
So, John, as you value the limbs and lives
Of your brothers and sisters dear,
When the Captain so hard for your sympathy strives,
Stand by, my lad, with a cheer.
Unfasten that pocket you seldom close,
Dip deep where the shiners gleam,
Stand square, John Bull, and, adjusting your hose,
Make play with the golden stream.

MONDAY, 8th August.-Perhaps by way of retaliation
upon certain members of the Commons who make occasional
attacks on the Lords, the Upper House to-night are down
upon one of the Commons-Wimbledon to wit. Lord
Wemyss, however, boldly comes forward on behalf of N.R. A.,
and throws an Elcho shield over it. The Duke of Cambridge,
however, declares that the danger to Wimbledonian villa-
holders villainous. Wouldn't live at the back of the butts

Puzzle:-To find the Rt. Hon. Member for Midlothian.
even if armed with faithful umbrella; in fact, would sooner live near


the gamp than the camp. And in support of the gampy one naturally
Lord Harris will be butted no butts.
Commons.-Ferguson wants a return of Royal Princes in public
service. Smith considers such a schedule would be invidious; perhaps
thinks it would not be gratifying to nation or salutary to princely
Tuesday. -Lords busy advancing the hour of Time, gents!" in Scotch
public-houses. Not particularly anxious to interfere with clubs where
their noble selves can, if they choose, "get fou at any and all hours.
Commons.-Matthews announces the beginning of the end of Enda-
cott's affair. Hart-Dyke moves second reading of Technical Instruction
Bill-extending good works upon which City Guilds have expended
much of their gold. Stanley Leighton wants to know who's to bear
the racket. Whate'er the cost, quoth Stanley Leighton, It surely
shouldn't be a rate 'un. Colonel Eyre, however, raises taxpayers' ire
by proposing to send taxation up higher by this item.
Wednesday.-Commons consider Scotch Conveyancing. Scotch
Lunacy not unnaturally follows. Lord Advocate for Scotland pleads
for confirmation of appointment of Professor Berry as Sheriff of
Lanarkshire; states he is by no means a goose-Berry. In fact a regular,
or rather reel Scotch night in Commons. But where and oh where was
the Highland Laddie ? Irishmen also conspicuous by absence-Sandies
take note.
Thursday.-Lords on Land Bill pretending to play old gooseberry
with those Commons fellows. Common '.-Labourers' Allotments, or
the child of Jesse Collings taught to walk by Conservative foster-parents.
Friday.-Lords.-Irish Land Courts.

T To CORRESPONDENTS.- The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, r- Prn or pay for Contributions. In no cast will ttey be returned unlss
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

74 IUTJN AUGUST 17, 1887.

AI The London Landlord.

" Give me your hand," said he, That wee hand, with its nervous clasp,
As they strolled by the marge of the sea, He held in his manly grasp-
Where the rocks were rugged and bold. And he said, "Now I've got your hand
"Allow me to help you down "- Let me keep it-we'll say, for life-
She consented with ne'er a frown, And add, dear, your heart-be my wife !"
And gave him her hand to hold. And soon they in church were banned."


[An evening paper says that, while the London land-
lord does not toil or spin, he sees all London workingto
make him richer.]
I'M a lucky London landlord,
And envy none on earth;
Though I may not be a grand lord
To boast of my high birth,
Yet there's one thing I have-which is
A nice fat banker's book,
And I reckon that my riches
Would buy up many a "dook."
With a ha ha ha! and a ho I ho I ho I
I think the road to fortune I pretty well do
I have great faith in short leases,
For at length they must fall in,
Then I always find increases
My little pile of "tin";
And as I am ever getting
From tenants higher rents,
How I chuckle at each letting,
For thus I make the cents.
With a ha I ha ha I and a ho I ho I ho I
The way to gather honey I pretty well do
Now, while I take life quite easy,
And neither toil nor spin,
There's Smith says his bread and cheese he
Works day and night to win.
Ah, he wants his lease renewed, and
He don't know where to turn:
Smith's views of life are crude, and
He's yet a lot to learn.
With a ha ha ha! and a ho! ho! ho I
Another man's misfortunes are good for me I
Though so many are complaining,
And say they are so poor,
Yet Dame Fortune's always rainirg
More money at my door.
For of streets and squares I'm owner
That daily swell my pelf,
And if of gifts I'm e'er a donor
They still benefit myself.
With a ha I ha ha I and a ho! ho I ho!
Is anyone more lucky than a London landlord?

With Sincere Sympathy.
BRAVO, Mr. Whiteley!
Your shops that burned brightly,
Now, daily and nightly,
Look wrecked and unsightly;
But still, very rightly,
You stick to work tightly,
And bear your loss lightly
By coming up sprightly,
A marvel-well, slightly I

J AC IE O :F E E A. RE?1T S.


Londor: Pri- ted by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W, and Published (for the ropri .tors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August i7th, 1887.

.L &*-


See that you get i t
As bad inakes are often sod

AUGUST 24, 1887, I 75

T 114 r~ E T /A 9 1. E



II I r l~
UV C.A"' i11K t?

0 )-N



FOR, IOSTIAOC E. DON NO 'W E prooli FO CvlosNT s ANDo A E T RPTEt,1 lfopIE OFl l 0.S
VOL. XLYI.-NO, z163

76 1J'SN, AUGUST 24, 1887'

HE GAIETY.-Mrs. Brown-
Potter is getting on. By earnest
study and close application she is
acquiring considerable mastery of
S '- the art of choosing "unlikely"
Splays. She has much to learn
yet, and is, no doubt, greatly
assisted by the mass of suitable
material at her command, but the
( success which has hitherto at-
tended her efforts cannot be re-
Sgarded otherwise than as matter
for hearty congratulation. Man
and Wife was a good shot for a
First attempt, and Civil War was
a great stride in advance of that,
but one is literally lost in admi-
ration at the rapidity with which
her judgment matures, as evi-
denced by her latest selection-
Loyal Love.

Loyal Love is the story (with a
THE GAIRTY--PDR THE POSING difference) of the beautiful Cas-
tilian maid of honour, Inez de
Castro, told by Ross Neil ("Ross Neil" is a lady disguised in
a gentleman's name, so I can use either "Miss" or "Mr." as my
well-bred bringings-up would impel me to desire,) in tame blank verse,
in eight scenes-running a good deal to A Room in the Palace "-and
by means of an invertebrate and unconvincing set of characters. The
tale is baldly told, moreover, and has scarce a dramatic quality. The
characters are historical, but as the incidents, after the manner of inci-
dents drawn from history, are not, it may be well to recount them.

THE first scene, A Room in the Palace, introduces us to an old gentle-
man on the throne of Portugal, a middle-aged gentleman, who wants
the throne of Portugal, and a young gentleman who is heir to the throne
of Portugal. The first of these-who is rather arbitrarily styled "the
King" in the programme, though we know he must be Alfonso IV.-is
a rather weak-minded old gentleman, so that the second, who is called
Gonzales (the name itself would warn a person of ordinary caution), and
who, I suppose, carries about with him a book of easy plots in one
syllable, suited to the capacity of weak-minded, elderly kings," easily
persuades him that his son is trying to win the affections of the people
in order to gain the throne before his time. In the second scene Inez
gives the little boy who cleans the knives and boots a full account of
the incidents preceding and leading up to her courtship and marriage,
with a short dissertation on the amount of her affection for her husband
-whom we know to be the heir apparent, Don Pedro-who keeps their
marriage secret, hides her in the mountains, and has not told her his
rank. Then the curtain descends, and we feel sure that half-a-dozen
words or so in the next act would have done all this has done.

IN the second act a proposal that the Prince shall marry a Castilian

Princess for political reasons is, of course, rejected by that young gentle-
man. This confirms the King's belief in his combative intentions, and
Gonzales, hinting the suspicion that there is "another lady in the case,"

obtains permission to track the Prince and find whether it is so. A
change of scene gives us a conoodling episode between the Prince and
his bride, after which and the departure of the former, Gonzales appears
on the scene and exclaims "How beautiful !" which brings down the

IN Act III. Gonzales acquaints the King with his discovery, and
asks permission to kidnap the lady. Having obtained it, he naively re-
marks that he anticipated consent and has her already his prisoner I
It is proposed to have the marriage annulled, and the parties married
each to another person. In another scene, Gonzales proposes this
arrangement to his prisoner, offering himself for acceptance, and is re-
pulsed with "skeyorn"-a situation which everybody concerned
appeared to think very fine and powerful.

THE last Act shows the King unwell, and the Prince gone no one
knows whither. His absence confirms more than ever the King's
idea that he is bent on rebellion, and Gonzales suggest an order for his
imprisonment. His Majesty thinks it a good idea, whereupon Gon-
zales (really a most provident villain) says he thought he would, and has
come with an order drawn up in readiness. By this means Gonzales
hopes to sweep Don Pedro from his path and seize the throne. Mean-
time, he once more seeks the lady; he offers her a pleasing choice
between himself and a cup of poisoned wine. She naturally chooses
the latter, and he leaves her that she may explain the effects-which
do not appear to be quite as gymnastic as those of Lena Despard's drug
-but before she can finish, Don
Pedro breaks in to the rescue and --
there is "joy," till she remembers
all about the poison. Then she
tells him all about it, and there -
is misery, and then he lets
her stiffly and gingerly on to the
floor, and pulls her hair, ani says
she's dead.

AT this moment Gonzales turns
up, and gloats and orders the
Prince's arrest, and everything l
seems to be going wrong. But, all
of a sudden, there are shouts with-
out of "Long live the King," and
it seems that the old gentleman is
dead and Pedro is "boss." This
is rather awkward for Gonzales,
who is immediately seized, but
' though his game is up" he claims
to have "scored one" over the [ I
death of Inez. Oh, chagrin! He -
is denied even this poor satisfac- T GAIT-GONZAL, A VILLAIN
lion. The subordinate who brought BLACK OF HEART AND CLOTHES.
the wine, having had his feelings
worked upon by Inez early in the scene-I think she reminded him
that he had heard the clock strike ten in infancy, or something-had
substituted a sleeping draught for the poison. And so it ends.

MRS. POTTER is said to show improvement in this performance, but
-though it may well be so, where there was so much room for it-I'm
afraid I am too obtuse to see much of it. Her crudities and peculiarities
are not quite so rampantly observable as hitherto, perhaps, but that
arises, it seems to me, more from the (dramatically) namby-pamby, un
exacting nature of the part (combined with the ease even a short, con-
secutive experience of the stage is bound to give) rather than from any
"improvement" on the part of the exponent. The subject is not worth
dwelling upon, perhaps, but I have not much sympathy with these
"earnest students of art," who can only "earnestly study" in leading
parts at a! West-end theatre, and no amount of sophistry can hide the
fact that Mrs. Potter, in Loyal Love, is a bad actress in a bad play.
Mr. Willard tries hard to appear wily, but his part is too much for him,
though his firm method and steady skill always give pleasure, and Mr.
Bellew gives a clever poetical rendering of the hero of romance, "pretty-
pretty"-ness, bumptious conceit, and all. Mr. Willie Phillips deserves a
word, too, for a very determined performance of an uncongenial part.
The scenery and dresses are good.

THE CRITERION.-Mr. David James, as the Butterman in Our Boys,
scarcely needs describing. The piece is revived here for awhile, and
the underground house was as full of laughter as it would hold on
the opening night. The fact is, Mr. James's rendering of the part is as
thoroughly artistic and real as it is funny, and its popularity never
seems to wane. The present is, of course, only an ad interim season,
and the support" of the comedian is not exciting. NESTOR.

AUGUST 24, 3887. IUN. 77


THAT little idiot, my landlady's son, has been singing Rain, rain go
away, little Tommy wants to play." I should have liked to have gone
downstairs and boxed his ears, that I should. It's quite pleasant to
sit and look out of the window now it's raining. I'm quite certain that
the fools can't keep playing tennis on the lawn in the square in front.
The nursemaids can't take the children out there, too, so I'm not
bothered in the least with listening to their squalling. Then the
fellows coming round with flowers on their heads, bawling out "All
a-blowing." There's no All a-blowing now, and their flowers are
spoilt, that's one comfort.
My nieces, too, can't go to a garden-party. Oh uncle, how dread-
ful, we shan't be able to go to the Tillotsons." I tell 'em all the
better. A parcel of fools of girls walking about in light dresses and
getting under the shade of the trees so as to hide the powder on their
faces from the strong light. Having cups of tea and fruit handed to 'em,
while they try to look charming. Fellows giggling too, and telling 'em
how they're like the flowers. They are as much like the flowers as
flowers of sulphur. That's about what the girls are, to my way of
thinking, anyhow.
Then the rain, too, will keep people indoors at the seaside. They'll
have to stick in their beastly lodging-houses and inhale the mutton fat
smell there always is at a seaside house. I like to put on a waterproof,
I do, when it rains, and walk down by the Row and chuckle and
think what a lot of lunatics it keeps indoors. The rain's always
pleasant to my way of thinking. And I don't care a hang about what
others think. "Well, what now?" "Why the rain, sir, has come
through the bath-room ceiling on your new coat as is hanging there."
Confound the girl. Confound the rain, I say. DIOGENES TUBBS.

To Richard Jefferies.
GONE, gentle spirit, that so sweetly wrote
Of sunny meadows gay and skylark's note ;
Whose ev'ry phrase a posie of sweet speech,
Found in a fragrant grove of lime or beech.
On life's hard footpath, rest upon the stile,
And muse on Richard Jefferies for a while;
Come, strive to see, as he ne'er chanced to fail,
Joy in the sunlight, and sweetness in the gale.
All ye who love the balmy summer hours,
All ye who love the hedge-row's modest flowers,
The song of birds, the ripple of the wave,
The rush and lily that the brooklets lave,
The meadows pleasant, and the sunlit sky,
Think on who's gone, and think, perchance and sigh.
Tho' sad his life, a fitful, painful dream,
His spirit sweet and gentle as his theme.

THE congregation of a Free Church were rather upset, a Sunday or
so ago, by the free and uneasy conduct of a young man. It seems that
the worshipper suddenly rose in the body of the church, and, after
throwing his arms about and making the most horrible grimaces,
remonstrated with the minister for preaching in an unsatisfactory
manner. Then he strolled out in a lordly style, and left the cleric
and congregation to think over his verdict. The young man won't be
welcomed much by the pastor and his officials next time he puts in an


AUGUST 24, 1887.

A Cheerful Companion to the
I7th. THIs day died Frederick, called "the
A title void of mystery;
All conquerors who kill in state,
Are lauded so in history.
I8th. Earl Russell born this day: a busy
Who from some Tory trammels help'd
to free us;
For this-in language large, but infra
Disraeli called him a small scarabans.
I9th. The Royal Geerge at:Spithead sank this
While skill'd careening undergoing;
To rank stupidity, some critics say,
The horrible affair was owing.
20th. The shooting of blackcock this day
For which you'll not expect him to be
But, though it add another to your sins,
When served with sauce, discuss him
-by the plateful !
21st. This day died Lady Wortley Montague,
Travell'd and literary, rich and petted,
Strong-minded, beautiful, eccentric,
That she was not a man she much
22nd. On Bosworth Field crook'd Richard fell,
This day, in fourteen-eighty-five :
Your Shak'speare Dickon's tale will tell,
And though he's dead, show him alive.
23rd. Sir William Wallace hanged; a patriot
Thought cutting English throats no
sin :
A sad mistake, committed by a few
More patriots" who the rope may
24th. The day of St. Bartholomew,-
Remember well the story
Of massacre with horrors new,
For Mother Church's glory.
25th. This day died Hook, whose fun would
A book-you're free to book it:
A fishy" life he led until
The time arrived to "hook it."
26th. Birthday of Albert, rightly called "the
Good "-
Albrecht "all-bright' he could
not fail to shine :
In life he was not quite well understood;
To honour now his mem'ry few
27th. In search of pearls, some say-more
likely "tin"-
Great Julius Cesar and his legions
And ev'ry Roman would have thought it
If he'd not been a seizer-and full-
28th. Death of Leigh Hunt, who's left us
many a book
Fill'd with bright thoughts and dainty
Whom foes and shallow moralists
A Hunt without a grain of cruelty.

Lean and Wideawake Hibernian M.P. (fiersely).-" FAITH, SORR, AN' IF YOU LIBERAL
Adipose and Dreamy Liberal Unionist, M.P. (slowly opening his eyes).-" EH? WHAT'S
TOO THICKLY TO-NIGHT !" [Subsides into another doze.

29th. This day died Brigham Young, a self-
made saint : [be
More often called a sinner, Brigham,
Declar'd the means for freeing man from
taint, [polygamy.
Were praying, preaching, and -
30th. This day died Louis the Eleventh grim,
Who long and amply taught the
world to hate him;
A pious monster. You may study him
With Mr. Irving to resuscitate him.
3Ist. John Bunyan this day died, who pic-
tured sin
As fierce and terrifying as an ogress :
Resolv'd that death should not the
victory win,
Long ere he died, he'd done his "Pil-
grim's Progress."

DURING a "Wild West" performance re-
cently held at Clinton, Iowa, a magnificent
cow-boy used a revolver loaded with ball-car-
tridge instead of blank. He let daylight into
three visitors, and they didn't seem at all flat-
tered at the distinction, which very nearly
meant their extinction. Over here the ex-
tracted lead would have been made into scarf-
pins or rings.

ANY of the detachments using "unnecessarily
strong language" while engaged in the gun-
shifting competition at Shoeburyness were liable
to disqualification "according to order." The
military authorities found it necessary to con-
sult the Speaker of the House of Commons in
order to get a correct definition as to what is
actually considered strong language now-a-
days. a''


AUGUST 24, 1887. U UN. 79

A DOWAGER recently informed a journalist, at a garden party the
other day, that the Jubilee gaieties have had a most depressing effect on
the matrimonial market, and that this year
will prove a most miserable one for placing
girls. Pray don't worry yourself, dowager;
the Shah of Persia and his suite visit us
next spring. Their advent may brisk up
matters. The gentle Persians are all poly-
gamists, and take kindly to the fair
daughters of Albion, don't you know
Some of the girls are bound to go off.

SEVERAL of the masherest of mashers
have taken to wearing white twill trousers
for morning wear. The bags don't look
pretty when decorated with splashes of
salad-dressing, though.

A DEAF and dumb couple have been
S divorced in Paris. Poor souls, they were
both heavily handicapped They had no
chance of blowing off any matrimonial waste-steam. A married man's
prerogative is to growl-a woman's to snarl and snap. It seems sad
it was cut off in this instance.

LAST February a couple of aged magistrates while on their way to
church, fell out and pitched into each other in a scientific manner that
would have drawn congratulatory remarks from the Champion of
England, Mr. James Smith. The elder of the bruisers, who is some 79
years of age, brought an action against the younger slogger to recover
damages for assault. The case was heard the other day. The defend-
ant asserted that the plaintiff first struck him, a very brilliant black eye
being the result of the blow. The judge, evidently thinking both were
naughty bad boys, advised them to go outside and play marbles with
each other for half an hour or so. They retired, and quite made up
their minds not to indulge in another mill for some years. We think
a chat anent their lawyers' bills tamed 'em down a trifle.

MADAME SARAH BERNHARDT says that during her Brazilian tour
some of the presents she received were of a most peculiar nature. One
ardent but impecunious admirer, for instance, insisted upon her accept-
ing his well-worn hat as a token of his tender devotion. Instead of
kicking the weather-stained tile into space, as many actresses would
have done, the divine trag/dienne threw her arms round the donor's
neck and kissed him effusively. If Sarah were twenty years younger
we should feel inclined to wait on her with a worn-out tooth-brush or a
come-to-grief liver pad.

A MEETING of anti-vivisectionist ladies, held recently in Paris, termi-
nated in a regular shindy, several of the fair ones manifesting a strong
desire to vivisect each other with hair-pins and finger-nails. Dear,
soft-hearted little souls _

A RUSSIAN lady of rank recently annexed a considerable sum of
money belonging to her dad, and eloped with a Dusseldorf tramcar
conductor. It was a sort of Claude Melnotte game, and the Russian
Pauline now rails at the guide who has guyedd her. Poor girl, she
laboured under the delusion that he was a "horfficer in the army" when
she flitted with him. If this man had attempted to have palmed
himself off as an artist, a doctor, or a journalist, the lass would just as
soon have thought of jumping out of window as of eloping with him.
So mote it be !

PROFESSOR J. JACOBSEN, who has been collecting curios for the
Hamburg Museum, writes that he spent all last winter at Tucalo
among a tribe of Indian cannibals. The man of science got on fairly
well with the untutored savages; but one day a hungry-eyed native
made for him. The professor felt nettled at the liberty, put in his left
sharply and followed up promptly with his right, virtually knocking the
noble savage out of time in about two seconds. He followed up this
pugilistic performance by jumping on the floored Indian for five minutes
or so. A consultation was held among the natives that selfsame night,
and the conclusion arrived at was that Mr. Jacobsen must be far too
stringy and tough to make good food. Henceforth he lived in blissful
peace with the cannibals.

WHILE visiting the Board Schools lately in a large manufacturing
town a medical man was horrified to find that over So per cent. of the
children were pale and emaciated. He attributes the condition of the
youngsters to starvation produced by their relatives being unable to pro-
cure sufficient work at fair wage-and this is the Jubilee year, if you

A NOTABLE trial is finished and done,
A woman all virtuous and good,
Whose character bears the bright blaze of the sun,
Through malice and slander hath stood.
A mean, skulking fellow, with protest and vow,
Declared he would shield her through life,
Yet left her to starve; and, with a brand on his brow,
Denying that she was his wife.
When crushed down, and nearing the brink of despair,
Nigh starving, both mother and child,
One true friend was found, who defended with care
This lady so sorely defiled.
The PRESS "-all so mighty for righting the wrong,
Rang out the base deeds that were done,
And loud went the note like the sound of a gong,
Till bravely the battle was won.
And Langworthy's name-shall it e'er be forgot
As a term of derision and scorn ?
A term that implies a base, dastardly blot
That blurs all the beauty of morn.
The lady was righted, the dastard undone,
The crushed one no longer shall fret.
All honour to those who the victory won-
The Lumleys and Pall Mall Gazette.

A BLIGHTED maiden, who sued for damages recently, put the follow-
ing letter from her faithless swain into court :-" My Darling Cherub,-
I spent a very pleasant day at Tom's last Sunday under the circum-
stances. Not having you with me in the afternoon, we all went to the
cemetery !-Your Own Darling Dave." Was the gay and festive party
looking out for a nice shady, secluded little nook to serve as shelter for
a deceased wife ? It strikes us the blighted maiden ought to congratu-
late herself on her escape from matrimony in this particular instance.


i ;4 2

Love's Labour's Lost, Act V. Scene 2.

8o FUN. AUGUST 24, 887.


We were going a journey. Now, we had tipped an official, as the good Knglish custom is, to keep the station private tor us, as also the train in which we were to
travel, and the adjacent trains, and the line; for an Englishman loves to travel in privacy.


-- ~~ ~~ ~~ --- i,. .,-/ /r 1,

But, mark ymu, wiat was our indignation at seeing another traveller, a strange intruder, make for the very train we were in I The guard, good fellow, did al he could;
but the miscreant traveller forced his presence upon us, entering a compartment at the other end of the train I

,.,I .Iihi in ftf IA A S T1101,^ iP^

That journey, for us, was spoilt I We hate being crowded; and lack of elbow-room is, to us, death. Then-after that-our sojourn at our holiday resort was spoiled; for
the intruder wotl sit upon the same beach with us. Then we noted him, and al was explained. He was a foreigner, ignorant of our English love of privacy.

'TU N .-AUGUST 24, 1887.

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AUGUST 24, i887.

-:. ,, a M I .. ",_.-==.,' I-- ~-

Napoleon Stubbs.--" Then you absolutely refuse me, Miss Aggie? "
Miss Aggie.-" I do !"
N. S.-" But are you aware that I am worth Three Hundred Thou-
sand Pounds?"
Miss A.-" I am; and I know it is allyou are worth."

Do I care for ze moors? Zat is vat Jollidogue, mon ami, demand of
me, and en r fonse I demand of him if he mean ze Black-a-Moore-also-
Burgess? Zen Jollidogue enquire at whom I am getting. I reply I
desire to arrive at vat he mean, if not Moore of ze minstrels, is it Moore
of ze Minstrel Boy"? Jollidogue say zat is enough of my nonsense.
I reply "Bien! No more."
Zat bring my ole pal to his subject, ze moors. He demand do I
shoot? Shoot, I say-oftens-lot of times. I have shoot several.
Indeed, zare have been occasions ven I have hit ze sing at vich I aim.
Zen I learn from Jollidogue zat he have a shooting-box in the Highland,
to vich vill I accompany him?
Sare, mon rtdacteur! zat was days ago. Depuis cela I have been to
ze moors, and, like ze ozzare Moor of Venice, I can tell of moving
incidents by flood and field. I have esmelt powdare, also gore-ze
gore of grouse of dog of man I Vare I go now, vit my gun upon
my shouldare, zey vill know me, and-zey vill get out of ze vay.
It vas before ze break of day, also before ze break of our fast, zat
Jollidogue, myself, and ozzare sportsmans, ve let loose ze dogs of var,
and take our breach loadares, of vich ve are to be ze pointares. I say
to myself, "Farewells. Adieu, la belle France! Adieu, patriel
Before ze sun zat is now rising like ze yeast-I mean in ze east-sail go
down in ze vest, I may lie upon ze blood-stained moor-maybe no
Ve go so far vizout meeting ze enemy, zat ze spirit of my martial
nation is arouse. I am athirst for blood. My comrades observe ze fire
of my eye. Zey are in terror of ze fire of my eye-also ze fire of my
gun. Suddenly ze game dog rush forward, his nose to ze ground, his
tail to ze sky. Zen he stand firm as a rock, and I say to myself,
"Ze offspring of ze soldier of Jena, he is ready I" Zare is a rush of
ze enemy, ze grouse; he retreat-in flying column. Ze spirit of ze Old
Guard cannot be held in check. I fire. Some von say Damn !" but
I fire again and again madly. I am full of ze frenzy of heroes. Zey
cannot see me for smoke, nor I zem. Nozzing can be heard but ze roar
of artillery-my artillery-ze shriek of dog, and ze shout, oui, ze groans
of men. Some von knock out of my hand my arm, my firearm. I am
seized. I am a prisoner. Around me lie some of my brave comrades,
and also some dog, but ze enemy, ze grouse, he have flown He have
retreat. I have beaten him.
Maintenant, my comrades zey do not entare into ze spirit of the
victory. Je comprends! ls ont jaloux! Zey have not any of ze glory,
vich is all mine alone. Jollidogue ask zem to pardon me, he say per-
haps I am more accustom to ze grouse drive, and I say, "Mais oui!
Voirihl I have drive zem avay." Ve proceed, ze ozzares by zemself, I
by myself. Aha I vill show zem. Soon le chien, ze brave dog, he vat
zey call stand a bird. I understand, presently ze bird fly, and I let fly
also my gun; zen ze dog he fly too, his legs between his tail, and his

shrieks are pitoyables. He have stood ze game, he cannot stand me.
My blood is up. I fire again, and I take off Jollidogue his shooting
cap. An old monsieur, uncle to Jollidogue, he call me murderer. I
vill be revenge. I vould call him to ze duel, but zat our only weapons
are zose vat vill kill.
As ve tramp tro ze heazzare ze keepares are keepares of long distance.
I have no more ammunition, no more cartridge of pin fire. All ze rest
have vat zey call ze needle. I approach zem. Ven zey learn I have no
more poudre a canon zey let me approach. Zey have many braces of
grouse. I have no braces, only my shooting belt. I ask for more car-
tridge. Jollidogue look at my gun; he say my gun is too small bore
for ze cartridge I have use. His uncle say I am too great bore. He
say I should shoot vit number 6 of cartridge. Bon! I vill Ven
I have more cartridge zey retire. I go load my gun. It sail be
bad for ze grouse zis time. I load. I put von cartridge in my breach,
and zen down ze muzzle I poke cartridge numbare two, zen ze sird, ze
fours, ze fives, apres tout, last of all I ram in vit my fingare numbare
six. I put six also in ze ozzare barrel. I valk along in silence. I
offare ze Scotch keepare Irish vhisky, and he say he vill put up a good
bird for me. Let ze bird bevare !
Sudden ze dog vich is alive, stand again, and up go ze birds. Von,
two, tree, evare so many, like a cloud. Jollidogue say, "My bird."
He fire; down come ze von bird. His uncle say, "My bird;" down
come annozare. Zen ze keepare call to me, "Now, sir, bird
over !" I raise my gun. I shut my eyes. I pull two triggers at von
time i!!
I have been in bed many veeks; so have ve all. Zey sink Jollidogue
vill live, also his uncle-perhaps. It is even possible ze keepares may
survive. Zey hope I sail die. Ze dogs, von is dead, ze ozzares have
nevare been seen since. But voilc! zey found ze grouse bird dead; ze
head of him some mile away, von of his vings some ozzare miles-
annozzare vay. I did not shoot, I did not bleed-in vain. I conquered.
Vive la gloire Vive la France! also Vive le sport!

New Leaves.
The Leisure Hour, The Sunday at Home, The Boy's Own Paper, and
The Girl's Own Paper are all full of ably-illustrated contents, suitable
to the tastes of their respective readers; and abundance of matter to suit
all tastes may be found in Household Words.-The Young Man is very
good this month.-We have derived considerable amusement from
reading Martha Spreull," edited by Zachary Fleming (Glasgow : David
Bryce & Son), for in these "Chapters in the Life of a Single Wum-
man" the homeliness of Martha's nature is easily discerned through the
quaint way she has of relating her experience.-Hasten to become
possessed of "A Midsummer Madness," written by Arthur T. Pask,
with pictures drawn by Maurice Greiffenhagen, and issued from the
7udy office. It is a splendid new departure in shilling illustrated
books, and a dainty delicacy for the drawing-room table. The author
is at his best, and the freshness, tenderness, and simplicity of style dis-
played so conspicuously in the story is happily caught and embodied
in the delicately wrought out illustrations. Altogether, this union of
talents has produced an exquisite work of art. Purchasers will be
pleased to perceive that a similar volume will speedily follow.

-- -1, ,*


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3 ---L---~e

AUGUST 24, 1887. FUN. 83
r -:

A Delightful Discovery.
[" It seems clear," says the Globe, "that bards had
hereditary rights and privileges -and that those privi-
leges took the form of exemption from taxes," &c., &c.]
OH what's this that I read?
It is startling, indeed,
And sets my heart thrilling with pleasure;
I have read it amazed,
And my senses are dazed,
And my spirits are gay beyond measure.
By trade I'm a bard,
Whom I trust you regard
As needful as Earth to its axis;
Yet, till now, I forsooth,
Never knew the blest truth-
That a bard is exempt from all taxes !
I have paid, I confess,
Up to date (more or less)
The taxes imposed by my nation;
All unwitting that those
Who don't write in mere prose
Should be free from all sorts of taxation.
Now I find I'm exempt,
I shall treat with contempt
The tax fiend, though angry he waxes;
"Avaunt !" I will say,
",These demands I'll not pay-
I'm a bard, so exempt from all taxes !"
Lo, the tax man draws near,
But of him I've no fear,
I'll exclaim, Go away, I'm a poet;
And we slaves of the muse
May, I find, all refuse
To pay any taxes !"-

O, blow it!
This idea is a sell,
And I feel it full well;
Our collector, who never too lax is,
My grand plea has defied,
And, what's worse, he beside
Has distrained on yours truly for taxes !

A Warning.
(Specially dedicated to the sleeping Street
Inspectors of my Parish.)
O, LIST ye well to what I sing,
And muse ye when I've done,
That what I sing's no funny thing,
Although it's sung in FUN.
The summer months are here at last-
The hottest in the year,
The burning days are passing fast
With countenance severe.
'Tis true, the sun shines on our heads-
Thrice welcome be its heat !-
Alas I no being heeds nor dreads
The danger at our feet.
Beneath our roads of fetid clay-
Around our very homes-
An iron serpent threads its way,
And poisons as it roams.
About the drains the children romp,
For innocent are they
That fever, rising from the swamp,
Will kill them at their play.
For thus Disease will act its part,
While street-inspectors doze;
A terror dwells within my heart-
A stench within my nose !

DURING the last week in July 86,000 Ber-
liners took their annual bath in the River
Spree, and vat a larks they had in the water to
be sure. The fish took the matter very seri-
ously though, and migrated up stream rapidly.

Mr. Ciessus Candlewick.-" Now, TO COME TO THE POINT, MIss SPANGLE. HERE ON

"PLEASE, yer Wortchip," I wants asummins ag'in my husbandd for beating' me," said a hungry-
looking young woman to a magistrate. "Why did he beat you?" asked his Worship. ".'Cos
I sat hup for 'im last night," was the reply. "Why did you trouble to do so?" remarked
his Worship. "'Cos he allus gives me a hidin' if I dares to go to bed afore he comes home,"
answered the sad-eyed woman, rubbing her optics suggestively. "I'll send him an invitation
to meet me here the day after to-morrow," said the magistrate. But don't tre't him 'arsh,
sir," pleaded the hungry-looking young woman.

84 U N AUGUST 24, x887.

THIS is how it happened :-JOSEPH WINCH, BUILDER, OF LOW
by the Local
Boardof Health
for erecting

Road, Wal-
thkamstow, of
soft bricks, and
l without mortar.
S/ The surveyor
couldsee through
the walls in
places. There
were other little
errors also.
Y osepk had pre-
Aj viously been
r' notices. In.7an-
served with re e

uary last Joe
had been fined
for a similar fence. He was now fined 63, and I IIS. costs.
And were those erring houses that Joe built ordered to be pulled down
also ? No such event is mentioned. Must we therefore conclude that
they were not? No, no; we cannot lend our countenance to a conclu-
sion which would either brand our laws as a deliberate and intentional
fraud, or our magistrates as resolved to render those laws a useless
laughing-stock. No, no; we hold that those hovels must have been
ordered to be pulled down. Oh, yes !
But to our story. We wandered in the outskirts of the metropolis
amid a brand-new, and as yet unripe, growth of "villas." There we
found the gentle speculative builder building. To air our knowledge of
building, we began to converse to him of lime, hair, cement, bricks,
brestsummers, and footings; but he seemed unacquainted with the
terms, and knew but the words "mud," "brickbats," "laths," and
"damaged 7 by 2's."
"But why, good builder, do you keep your hand against the wall as
you build ? Is it a religious observance?" we asked. And he replied,
"Nay; it's lest the wall perchance should fall ere the house be sold."
Then we said, "But, peradventure, they will fine you for building
thus." And he replied, "They will." "But that," we said, "will
distress or ruin you?" And the building one replied, "Nay; I calcu-
late to save thirty good pounds per house of all this row by using mud
and brickbats. I shall be fined some three pounds per house, thus
gaining still a balance of twenty-seven good pounds per house; and so
the thing proceeds."
And this talk somehow reminded us of bold Joseph Winch, of Low
Hall Villa, Walthamstow; and set us a-wondering whether those build-
ings of his had really been ordered to be demolished, or were of a verity
to remain up as a danger to the public for good and all. We would
fain know how this matter was left. We fear we must conclude that
Joe's cabins are to be left standing. But to our story.
And anon we met a man; and the man said, "I am about to live in
one of the houses built of mud by the builder with whom you held con-
And so the man went into occupation; and in a month we visited
him: and as we
sat in converse,
the walls crack-
ed so loudly,
and so oft, that
we went in fear;
also, through
great gaps re-
salting from
we caught plea-
sant glimpses of
green fields.
Then we said
to the tenant,
"Fear ye not
lest the house
descend upon
your head, and
crush ye like a
beetle ?"
And the tenant said, "Nay; our laws are framed to protect me from
so great mischance. They have fined the builder three good pounds,
and that will prevent the house from falling in." And we marvelled

greatly at the effect of the laws. And, the laws being so good, we dare
swear that good Joe Winch's caravans have been allowed to remain up
because the laws do so uphold rotten buildings; at least they would
seem so to do. But to our narrative.
Again we visited the tenant: and the drains were bad, and oh so
bad; nay, they existed not. And we asked of the tenant :-" Fear ye
not typhoid and the wild diphtheria?" But he replied, "Nay. For
the law which fined our builder included the drains also in the fine:
wherefore they cannot give us typhoid by reason of the protection of the
And once more we called upon the tenant; and the house had
fallen and pulverized him; and typhoid and diphtheria had carried him
away, as also his whole family, and the cat. And we said, "Now are
ye sorry that ye took this house? But he made reply, "Nay For
these mishaps are but a mistake made by the laws of nature and of
gravitation, which forgot for the moment that the builder had been
fined three good pounds, and the thing thus remedied. As these
things were not intended to happen we will consider them as not
having happened, and are thus content." And so the whole thing was
quite satisfactory, owing to the excellence of our laws: and we must
conclude that brave Joe Winch's sheds in merry Walthamstow may
remain up to be a blessing.

SIR,-As you know, my private house is full of parties shooting
grouse. I do not mean to say, of cors, that they are shooting them
indoors. I mean I have a lot of folks come down to bag my birds (and
smokes). And ev'ry morn they sally forth, now east, now west, now
south, now north, with springing step and cheery port, to have their
little bit of sport; and ev'ry ev'ning they return, with aspect sober-
almost stern, with faces red, and foot that lags, and tales of most
tremendous bags, of clever shots and such delights, and most tremendous
appetites. I never join them, and this move they seem to thoroughly
approve. My aged limbs are scarcely made for moors without a bit of
shade, and so, I think, it shows my nous, I let them go and
shoot the grouse; and though, of course, the birds are mine, I never
see them-till I dine. Why don't you come, and bring your gun?
There's, after dinner, lots of fun; I think you'd rather like the
place-at any rate, I'll send a brace. They're off upon their usual
dance across the moors, and so the chance I seize to write this tip, old
chap, about
OH, what with the horses which haven't been entered,
And what with the horses which aren't to run,
And what with attention that's otherwise centred,
And what with the betting which hasn't been done,
And what with the doubts about trainers and riders,
And what with the imposts increasing each day,
And what with the duffers who act as deciders
(The Prophet among them), what am I to say?
You go for King Monmouth-and show me his betters
And, getting good money, feel cocky a bit,
Till someone, who writes in them newspaper letters,
He ups and he says as the horse isn't fit !
Then Cactus you back out-and-out for the winner,
And pride yourself greatly on what you have done,
When, bless you, that party (a spilin' your dinner)
He ups and he says as it isn't to run.
Scotilla you presently feel you're a mash on,
And think your sagacity hard to be matched,
Till someone informs you you've planted your cash on
An animal pretty well sure to be scratched !
Then Givendale pleases you much, and you back him,
And feel that at last you are making your game,
Till up comes that party (confusion attack him !)
And blandly informs you the animal's lame I
Well, Oliver Twist is the favourite, truly,
And Oliver Twist may be likely to score,
But be not, ye backers, exalted unduly
For ye who have Oliver won't ask for more !
But this is the tip the Old Prophet affords you,
Whatever the business you do or have done
(I wish you good luck in it, looking towards you),
Just let people know that you mean "with a run."
I trust you'll none of you let slip the chance that's given by this tip.
And, thereupon, the Prophet thinks he will indulge in forty winks.
Within the 'grounds, I beg to say, I have a little stock of hay-I'll
go and lie upon a truss. Yours drowsily, TROPHONIUS.

AUGUST 24, 1887.





MONDAY-Lords.-Wemyss takes up the rSde of Cassandra, and
warns modern Troy against approaching disaster. Or shall we compare
him to a later Rupert of Debate, undertaking a later mission to stem a
later tide of a later democracy? Or, again, to the historical old lady
who endeavoured, with an historical broom, to sweep back an historical
Commons.-Varley doesn't like the Pav. Well, FUN has with plea-

A vry poor show, I'm afraid, William." "Yes, m'Lord, we should hL e got
on better if it hac'n't been for ihat old party next door."

sure listened to the artistes at that abode of light and song; he has also
with pain listened to Varley, and he knows which he likes best. He
might go to the Pav. again, but he doesn't think he will trouble much

about Varley. Rules and Regulations of Mining under discussion.
FUN interested, being a miner himself, and frequently sinking shafts-
of wit. Sp.
Tuesday-Lords.-Lord Denman moves second reading of Duration
of Speeches in Parliament Bill. Peers recommend the worthy old
gentleman to illustrate his subject by shortening his own oration, and,
as usual, sit upon the amiable and harmless crotchet-monger.
Commons.-De Lisle is informed by Plunket that mosaics in central
lobby not proceeded with for want of suitable subjects I FUN suggests
a few of many which occur to him :-Lord Cross as he heard the smile
-Churchill drawing the Brum badger-Bradlaugh wrestling with
Gosset-Trevelyan turning his coat-The sacrifice of Churchill, the
Chancellor, at the Altar of Economy-The Vane Sir William Harcourt
as a weathercock. Coal mines again. Not a minor matter.
Wednesday.-Williamson's proposal to limit colliers' working hours
to eight defeated. House still deep in mines, and all reports to-night
taken on Pitman's system.
Thursday.-Lord Dunraven not turning up to move resolutions as to
War Office reform, Lords, after they have done ravin', go home sing-
ing "We've got no work to do."
Commons.-Lords' amendments.

THAT I was hung is an undoubted fact,
And yet I am not dead, though I was hung !
I'd taken off her head ; it was an act
For which, 'twas said, my neck should have been wrung !
'Twas in my studio that I attack
Her beauty-she was very fair and young-
And there I did the deed, awhile she sung.
Therefore it was-though some said I was crackt-
That I was hung.

My character unkindly people black,
And said I'd murdered her I But not among
Her friends were these. I also never lackt
For praises of my work from R.A.'s tongue,
For it was on THE LINE"-to be exact-
That I was hung.

AT certain Sessions, held recently, there was a sad paucity of
prisoners. The prospect looked deadly drear, and the Recorder, with
salt tears of sorrow in his eyes, apologised to the grand jury for bringing
them away from business for so little work. The grand jury, however,
did not lapse into a state of morbid melancholia at their lack of employ-
ment; they bore up manfully under the distressing circumstances. One
good-natured soul among them volunteered to go out and do a little bit
of daylight robbery with violence, just to make things even and pleasant,
providing the judge would try him first on the list; but legal hitches
came in, and his proposition was not entertained.

W To CORRESPONDENTS.- Th Editor does not nd himself o chnoolkdg, te, wrun, o Jay for ContrutiO. In D casae will thW k rh redW unlus
accomanied by a starnjed and directed enveleop.


1 86 F'U N AUGUST 24, I887.

ALL upon a summer day,
Like a sleeping nymph she lay,
Wooed to slumber by the ray
Of the sun at noon.

And as Dion watched the boy, So, beside her form I stept,
Young Endymion, fair and coy, And my vigil near her kept.
Wrapt in dreams of love and joy Ah this time the goddess slept,
'Neath the silver moon, And the youth adored.

I i "

Yes, the myth was thus reversed,
But the pretty fancy nursed
In my brain was soon dispersed-
Angelina snored I

In a Bad Way. All this has unsettled you greatly- In fact, my Lord S., you've great weakness,
(SEE CARTOON.) Yes, that's what's the matter with you I Your strength is fast wasting away;
I can tell it is so, by your meekness.
DR. JOHN BULL (examining the Invalid Lora Are you sure now, that some bye-election You've no spirit to join in the fray.
Salisbury). (Or several) don't prey on your mind ? You must give up your Government diet,
H'M, yes; you're undoubtedly shaky, I thought so I and hence this dejection, And then you perhaps may pull through.
Your nerves are distinctly unstrung. And the touches of sadness I find. Resignation you want, and then quiet.
Your tongue? (put it out !)-Very flaky- Your pulse is most feeble and low, sir, Yes, that's what's the matter with you.
I don't like the look of that tongue. Round your eyes are deep circles of blue;
You have met with a shock or two lately, Debility's symptoms you show, sir- Just Out. Price One Shlling.
And your outlook is gloomy to view; Yes, that's what's the matter with'you! A.C I~ OF 3 1E AR T S.


O< Cadbur y'Sw
PURE AND Write as smoothly as a lead pencil, and neither scratch
80LB nor spurt, the points being rounded by a new process.
I LUBL A Ask your Stationer lor a Sixpenny Assorted Sample
Box, or send 7 stamps to C. BRANDAUER and Co.'s
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- 3=5-~--~----
-E~i~ ~-~-

AUGUST 31, 1887. IFUN 87

___ J1) .,m1

TI-luRE WAsk p, sEI:ABLE. CjpvEcIME 0F A~ COM ic- T4i STR(~ qE ES toq~ VVE~1.I~C

E3i~I~ f~b~fLcoi),f Of MIECH/kIJicRION 10J -ULf DFLIRiobs I'~ oy, TF- Pli~y JE C fS 1A ObT
DDLEFUL M SREkol qs oF c[7AssIC Lo(E, AROE RE/' TO F1I 47 FJTO EXECITIOtJ -~~p -~ j.PAbSFo -


VOL.D XLVI.-I'IO 1164..

,.g T'uD sFTTLE Is Esr",IO E T f Ic, E p! f[ERF~Obo "S, (I V,, L L) CSES WO LE)O: rLT DUC E

~a fi ,/ MAT ,D\,TI 0 A IT IS LOST T A SQRP\OWI0-l
Tk 0T1iI 5FFl~E "E 'M O -OK IT U ,Y Hs ,P=L O l

VO. LV.NO u4

88 ITUN. AUGUST 31, I887.

THE AVENU .t-They've cut the cackle at this theatre for once,
"and come to the losses. A wonderfully clever and amusing set of

'^ ^ -~ ^ _-. __ _

lossess they are, too, and sufficiently free from ostentation, considering
their ability. They are not quite so comical as the programme which
describes their manoeuvres (as they are intended to be) and details their
inmost thoughts and opinions on the various points involved, but when
you see that programme you will understand the difficulties, and realize their
unsurmountable nature. The performance being a circus performance,
suffers from being given in a theatre, moreover, two hours 'oss with no
relief beyond the occasional dropping of the curtain and the performance
of an orchestra with a novel practice of playing overtures all the evening,
even with an extraordinary "go-as-you-please" solo on the cornet
thrown in, is rather ex'essting.

PROCEEDINGS commence with the ringing of a bell, whereupon the
animals (twelve horses and a donkey) trot across the stage one by one, a
satchel about the neck of each, indicating that they are bound for school.
" Thesecond bell," remarks the programme, "shows the good disciplineby
the scholars coming of their own accord from wild confusion to perfect
order to receive their teacher." Never mind the grammar, but note the
confusion is as far from wild" as the order is from perfect." But no
matter. The teacher (whose strong dialectical English bespeaks him a
descendant of the Pilgrim Fathers) has his hat and coat taken, and a
chair presented to him by his equine scholars; the monitor's "delin-
quent book" is presented, an incorrect "sum" expunged-or shall I say
"ex-sponged "-from the blackboard, and various suppositious delin-
quencies expiated (two of the animals being "stood on the form ") all at
the word of command. "Victor, the Equine Beauty," then, "in his
remarkable equine rationality," performs the old circus tricks of circling
to the right or left, and lying down to sleep, all at the word of command
and certain sub-suggestions known to ring-masters.

AFTER this, according to the announcement, "Hugo distinguishes
colours." Needless to say, Hugo does nothing of the sort, though he
goes cleverly and steadily through a lengthy and interesting trick.
Bird, as a refractory pupil" exemplifies another trick, receiving an
apparently severe chastisement without flinching. The trick is pretty
palpable; but the crack of the whip would be sufficient to disturb the
serenity of a horse accustomed to heavy punishment from that weapon,
so that the trick proves the truth of Professor Crocker's naive assertion
that he doesn't punish "that way." Some leaping follows, which is
pretty and very creditable, particularly as the space is limited-one
animal successively clearing a hurdle and one, two and three horses.
Frank (after showing some modest reluctance) gave a "remarkable ex-
hibition of horse intelligence" by kicking first with one foot, then with
the other, and finally, in a burst of emphasis, with both. Bonnie (a
small pony) followed with the same exercise, even more heartily exe-
cuted, and the first portion of the entertainment concluded with five of
the animals, bell in mouth, solemnly wagging their heads about, and
making a clatter with the resonance of ten thousand muffin boys. The
effect is ludicrous in the extreme.

SEE-SAWING on a plank opens the second part, and very handsome
the animal who does it solus, looks as he braces himself to the perform-
ance. "Turk" (here comes the programme again) "rolls the barrel
over the plank, and Alger, who is always on the alert for a joke at the

expense of his playmates, steps on to the plank behind Turk; and Turk,
to his utter astonishment, is compelled to roll the barrel to the furthest
end of the plank before he can get off." You'll be surprised to see how
stolidly Alger's alertness for jocularity is expressed, and perhaps, also,
to observe that Turk shows no astonishment whatever. A very striking
trick follows this, three of the horses turning simultaneously on the
narrow plank. "The Great Court Scene" fell rather flat, though it
looks funny enough to begin with; and it is remarkable for being per-
formed by the horses by themselves, no human being appearing on the
stage. The animals are grouped in box and on bench, and variously
labelled judge, jury, witness, lawyers, culprit, &c. The jury retire, bring
in a verdict of "not guilty," the officer releases the prisoner, who bows
politely to the Court, and retires.

IT was at this point that, the length of the programme beginning to
tell upon us, we were suddenly enlivened with the remarkable cornet
solo already referred to. The placid dignity and decision with which
the performer flew about among wrong notes, and slurred right ones,
was very exhilarating, and pulled us together for the thorough enjoy-
ment of the miraculous military drill of the horses. The readiness
and precision with which the animals go through various evolutions
under the instructions of the teacher (now dressed as an 'ossy-fer) do
certainly render it difficult "to dispossess yourself of the idea that
animals are not sentient beings." Last scene of all, that ends this most
excellent and attractive exhibition, is a development of the circus pistol-
firing trick into a regular pitched battle, which (I quote the same
valuable work of reference throughout) "must be seen to be understood,
let alone appreciated."

NODS AND WINKS.-Early in October Mr. Augustus Harris will bud
into a matinee, for once, with an Egyptian play called Nitocris, by Miss
Clotilde Graves. The principal part will be exploited by Miss Sophie
Eyre, for whom it has been "specially written." The play is couched
(softly let us hope) in blank verse, but the authoress remarks that she
relies less upon the verse-or even the blankness-than upon the
situations, for success (which Ammon send !) This will not be the first
Nitocris Drury Lane has experienced, for, some two-and-thirty years
ago, the combined energies of Messrs. E. T. Smith and the great
Edward Fitzball, brought to bear upon the subject, resulted in a play
much heralded by "bold advertisement" of deep research, in which one
of many "effects" was the turning on of water taps, whereby a Ban-
queting Hall, containing conspirators, was flooded to the roof and the
latter drowned. But, from what I know of the works of both, I will
back the lady against Edward, as a writist, at any rate. The piece will
also engage the talents of Miss Alma Murray or Miss Kate Rorke-this
is a tantalizing announcement; why not both ?-" Richard Henry are
-is-oh, bother, I shall say "am"--am building up a Frankenstein
for the Gaiety at Christmas. This is a monster-ous assertion, but true
nevertheless, and I trust the authors will have a monster benefit. It is
said that G. Edwardes is buying up all the monster 'buses, and there is
to be a monster demonstration in Hyde Park. More of this anon.-I
don't usually circulate announcements that are not sent to me direct, but
I can't help triumphantly repeating the news that Miss Lydia Thompson

SUMMARY.-MANAOGER (lo.)-|"Ah, well, look here, Miss Summer Seesun, my
regular people are coming back to-morrow, so you can just clear out and trot back to
the provinces, yer know."
takes the Strand in hand about the 22nd of next month. There's some
talk of the Sultan of Mocha, but-well, I hope not.-Devil Caresfoot
has shaken the dust of the Strand off and kicked The Colonel from the
Comedy, taking his place. NESTOR.

AUGUST 31, 1887. IFUN.

OuR notions of holiday-makiog are too conventional. If we simply change our place of abode that is considered sufficient. What is wanted is a thorough change of
occupation. At this holiday season, it has occurred to FuN to offer the following hints.

Let the Bachelor take charge of a family ot Let the Merchant and his Clerk reverse places. Interesting And let Her Majesty take a well-
children while Pater and Materfamilias are expressions of opinion might result, earned holiday, and become fro toe. a
"on leave. simple citizen.

THERE will be no more house soon What house do you mean-
the workhouse ? The House of Commons. Well, as far as I know, a
good job too. If it was all knocked on the head altogether, Ishouldn't
be particularly grieved, I can tell you. What do I care about seeing
the papers chock full of speeches-all cackling the same thing about the
same subject? It's a great pity that we haven't got another Oliver
Cromwell to come in and clear out the whole thing, neck and crop.
The great thing would be not to report the beggars' speeches in the
papers. Your country members wouldn't treat us to much of it then.
A fellow doesn't say now "I spoke my best," but They've given me half
a column in the Times." A nice state of things I call that, whatever
you may think. Now, I like the papers to have something in them
that's worth reading about. Say a man murdering his wife for nagging
too much, and his getting off afterwards, which would, of course, be quite
right. Or a good breach of promise case, where the humbug of a girl
loses it. That's something like news, I say. Some people, though, are
so prejudiced.
I always felt sorry for Dumolland, who was guillotined for getting rid
of the servant girls. I wish he was alive to get rid of the servant girls
in this neighbourhood. The door-steps of the houses in the morning
swarm with giggling creatures. I read the other day that hawks have
been seen coming into London. I wish they would get into some of
the cages about here and carry off the canaries. Beastly squeaking,
tittering things.
Have I been in the House this session? Well, I'm not quite such a

fool as all that. I should as soon think of going to a meeting at St.
James's Hall. Not I. The only meeting I ever went to see on a large
scale was the Reform meeting in Hyde Park, when they pulled down
the railings and trod on the flowers. I got poked in the ribs with a
policeman's staff, and I shan't forget it in a hurry. A good many of the
M.P.s are so worn out with the session that they will go abroad to
escape having to bar themselves with keeping open house at home.
They can go abroad if they like, and a good job, too. They can go to
Tangiers if they like, and poke their noses into filthy Arab coffee-shops,
and poison themselves with grouts. They can go to Copenhagen if they
like, and get stiff necks with sitting in the draughts of the woods.
They can go to Norway and get sunstroke fern gathering, if it ain't
raining, which it will be all the time. As if the world couldn't get on
just as well without a lot of M.P.s swaggering about. And the Lords
can be off, too, for what I care. Well, I confess I am pleased that
there's going to be an end to the cackling, and the deputations, and all
the rest of it, for a little time to come at least. Bah !

CERTAIN good folk of Hanwell wish the name of that particularly
healthy place altered. Because a lunatic asylum happens to be located
there, these foolish people need not be so hyper-sensitive when vulgar
cockney chaff is flung at them. They should bear in mind that how-
ever a name is twisted it sticks. When Mr. Bag thought fit to take out
letters patent, and change his cognomen to Norfolk-Howard, the--
but there, everybody knows I

"Pa~ a ~T1~2_7~3~ 7


90 l AoGST 31, 1887.



The Ship.
SHIP coming over the ocean,
Bringing my lover to me;
Tell him my heart with emotion
Beats to each pulse of the sea.
O, for some eye-lighting lotion,
So that his form I could see I
Ship coming over the ocean,
Bringing my lover to me I
Give me, 0 sea-gulls a notion
Where my beloved one may be;
Had I a magical potion
That would but take me to thee!
Ship coming over the ocean,
Bringing my lover to me I

COMING through the beeches,
Maidens quaintly drest,
Like a sketch of Leech's,
Beauty at its best.
Cheeks like blooming peaches-
Eyes of amethyst;
Coming through the beeches,
Maidens quaintly drest!
There is one that reaches
To my loving breast.
She-the darling !-teaches
Me in love to rest.
Coming through the beeches
Maidens quaintly drest I

ALDERMEN, and otherbon vivants,
may take an interest in hearing that
the crops in the Kurrachee district
have been greatly damaged by huge
numbers of turtles, who have appear-
ed on the scene in a totally unprece-
dented manner. Yet they will be
horrified at learning that the turtles
alluded to are not the turtles of
commerce, who sometimes do duty,
in London, for conger-eels, in soup;
but are a set of nasty disreputable
birds, who are hardly worth the
trouble of roasting or boiling.: i

Caught in the Act.
A CERTAIN noble sportsman, who had strange ideas of sport
(And Salisbury's that sportsman's appellation),
Thought he'd shoot an Irish pheasant. That's a bird of curious sort
That likes to make a flutter in this nation,
And anon the noble sportsman at this small game bravely fired,
Quite persuaded that he'd cause a great sensation,
But he found that the effect was not so strong as he desired-
Although the charge he fired was "Proclamation."
Then there came a Grand Old Keeper, and unto the Peer, said he,
Whar's yer licence for this pree-mature proceeding?
Ye should no hae fired your wee bit Pro-clamation, noo ye see-
Ye're richt oot o' rule, according to my reading !"
"I didn't mean to kill 'em," cried the sportsman ; "not a bit-
For, like you, I'm often glad to pet, not scorn 'em-
I merely tried to frighten 'em; I didn't want to hit;
No, G. O. K., I only meant to warn 'em !"
But the G. O. K. was obdurate-the noble lord he seized,
And said, "I'll tak ye up before the Hoose, mon-
An' ye'll have to face Diveesion, for I'm anything but pleased ;
It seems to me, yer law is vera loose, mon."
So he took him to St. Stephen's, where his action they denounced,
With volcanic bursts their eloquence adorning;
And tho' a sma' majoritee they bellowed and announced,
They'll ken another lot some either morning !

A Postal Note.
A MOST respectable morning contemporary, not usually given to the
perpetration of "goaks," intentional or otherwise, recently unearthed a
very wonderful postman at Whitby, Yorkshire. This excellent function-
ary, we are told, has been in the service for forty years, during which
time he has served under twelve Postmasters General, delivered five
millions of letters, and no doubt has executed some five or ten millions
of "rat-tats." We are not informed how many dogs he has sent into
howls, how many gentle hearts he has made to go pit-a-pat at his
approach, how many a fair and otherwise rosy cheek he has made turn
green with envy by persistently knocking at the opposite door and com-
ing not their way, nor do we learn how many nervous old ladies he has
startled into fits, nor how many irascible males he has electrified into
the use of unofficial language by his summons at their portals; but
what we are gravely informed of is that this veteran has actually walked
seven thousand miles in the discharge of his duties. Seven thousand
miles in forty years! Only think of it I One hundred and seventy-five
miles per year, according to Cocker. Happy postman Not quite
half-a-mile a day, taking every day from year end to year end, as a
country letter-carrier's average. Just half-a-mile per diem and no more,
counting Sundays, and giving him fifteen days' rest per annum, and in
leap years sixteen. Beatific postman I May his shadow never be less,
or his daily walk longer, and when he keeps his Jubilee may we be
there to see.

THREE Scots, who were each caught with eleven brace of grouse in
their possession, before the twelfth of August, have been fined 30s. per
bird. Total penalty, 99. The canny Highlanders wanted to feather
their nests too rapidly.




. 1W

AUGUST I3, 1887. F TUN. 91

AN uxorious gentleman recently applied to the proprietors of a
Parisian Matrimonial Agency to provide him with a wife. The lady
promptly introduced him to an "heiress"
who had an inordinately large appetite.
After paying the matrimonial agent's
fees, and expending some twenty pounds,
or so, in fitting up the "inheritaix"
with choice dinners he asked her to name
Sthe wedding day. Whereupon the girl
flouted, and laughed him to scorn; but
he took his revenge by charging the
matrimonial agent with obtaining money
under false pretences. He secured a
conviction because everything in court
seemed to hinge on the deadly appetite.
The proprietress had been a bit vague in
her assertions as to the damsel's pro-
Sperty ; but she emphatically insisted that
the girl could only nibble like a tiny
mouse. It is perhaps needless to say that the uxorious party is, at heart,
a very thrifty soul. __

THE mills in Maine belonging to the National Toothpick Associa-
tion of America," turn out about five thousand million toothpicks a
year. This is highly satisfactory news, and goes a long way towards
dispelling the hitherto cherished idea that second-hand toothpicks find
their way into American restaurants.

A BRICKLAYER'S labourer who lately summoned an omnibus con-
ductor for having refused to take him as an inside passenger won his
case. The conductor's objection to the hodman's entry into the vehicle
was the dusty condition of his clothes. This decision will not please
the majority of travellers. The line must be drawn somewhere, and
surely it ought to stop at the clay-clogged son of toil, worthy as he may
be as a man and a brother. We believe there was once a celebrated
barber who sternly drew the line at shaving "chimney sweeps," and
no tender of bronze would induce him to relax his rule. This man was
not handicapped by grandmotherly legislation.

SINCE the raids have been made on the publicans, under the Adultera-
tion Act, it is said that some of them are selling ale and stout so strong
that it takes two stout men and a hale boy to blow the head off a
quart of either of these exhilarating beverages.

A PERFORMING elephant seized an electric-light wire with his trunk,
the other night. There was some difficulty in unlocking the said trunk,
and the thick-skinned quadruped has suffered so shockingly from jumps
since, that his keepers have found it necessary to adorn his frame with an
armour-plated straight waistcoat.

A KINGSBRIDGE labourer's wife, who became the mother of twins
eleven months ago, has presented her husband with three more
pledges of affection. The parish authorities, who look forward to the
future, regard this highly respectable matron with grim feelings of awe,
but her husband accepts the situation with stoical yet proud philosophy.

A FLOATING bar-room has been anchored in the centre of the
Missouri, off a suburb of Kansas city. The proprietor does a roaring
trade, and puts the Liquor Laws of Kansas at defiance. He is virtually
in neutral water, and cannot legally be tapped on the shoulder by the
Kansas police. It is reported that he conducts his bar most respectably,
all noisy inebriates being promptly chucked out. Those who are
unable to swim drown as a matter of course.

MARSHAL MACMAHON is writing his autobiographical reminiscences.
If they are as imaginative and romantic as some of his despatches were
during the Franco-German war, they will make nice light reading for
lovers of fiction.

A NEW JERSEY firm states that it turns out, on an average, about
150,ooo,ooo corkscrews per year. This must be a thirstier world than
even we thought. Certainly many thousands of screws are doubtless
twisted into the corks of mineral water, physic, and scent bottles ex-
clusively, but the majority- Well, what do you say, Sir Wilfrid
Lawson ?

AT a meeting of Caledonian "Totes" which was held lately, the
chairman observed, "Scotland has always led the van in the tem-
perance cause, and the sooner it is separated from England the better it
will be for the country." Hitherto we've had a hazy idea, somewhat
drawn from personal experience, that Scotland has always led the van
very gallantly-in whisky.

s. d.
WHEN I was a little "kid," and must do as I was bid,
(If I didn't, I knew what I should get 1)
My life's lessons had begun, interfering with its fun,
For I'd got to learn the Alpha-bet.
But it is easy enough now, but 0 then it wasn't-how
I loathed and hated A. B. C !
For my knowledge was so small, I abominated all
The letters-even s. d I
It really seems absurd that every written word
Of the many books the world has seen,
Is made up of nought but these very letters that would tease
My poor little brain when it was green I
I:have got them now all right, yet it seems I never quite
Can understand how it can be
There are people who will take all the trouble books to make-
Excepting for the s. d !
But I know that for my part, I have only set my heart
To thoroughly enjoy each day;
And to gain this pleasant lot, I find the alphabet is not
A necessity in any way !
And I do not care a pin any useless fame to win
By using up my A. B. C.
But give all my time and thought, as a prudent person ought,
To studying my s. d I

THE Duke of Argyll thinks the Truck Bill no good,
One clause with disgust doth him fill;
'Twould prevent the poor selling the things that they would,
And is therefore a Truc(k)-ulent Bill.

THE Indians are complaining that the rapid growth of feminine edu-
cation in the East has had the effect of spoiling women as cooks.
While thinking over the exact situation of the North Pole, the dusky
daughters of Eve are apt to let their curries burn, and to serve them up
with hard, gritty, parboiled rice, &c. Deary, deary I and this is pro-
gression I Can any state of things be more lamentable?


fa. rp1

"WHAT, NOT ONE HIT?"-Merchant of Venice, Act III. Scene 2.

92 IFUN. AUGUST 31, 867.



It was this way. I was a-loafin' at the corner, w'en a gent comes out ov a factory door and bekkens me. "I've got a Guverment contract on," ses he. and you
come an' mannyfacter for me, 'cos you'll work cheap." "But I ain't never lernt no trade," ses I. "Wot's the odds," ses he, longog as you're cheap. Itdon't matter
'ow the work's done: didn't I tell yer it's for Guverment "

Well, I chucks the articles together and the guv'ner he used to w'isper to swell gents, and put 'is 'and in 'his pocket and git out money. And one day he ses,
"The Guverment Inspecter is a-comin' I(see the artercles; but he's a deff and blind gentleman; and he's tied up'is 'ed in a bag to make shure; so it don't

~B~ -.'
c~ --


And a year or so arter, the gav'ner comes out an' ses, The Gav'ment is obleged to sell them contractk articles we made, being' useless rubbidee; so I'm a-goin' to
bye 'em for ole mettle, an' make another profit. And I'm to be made a baronite, and your to 'ave a penshen of a thowsend a yere as a retired hexpert-on'y we're to
old our tungs and 'now nothing if there's a inquiry." And that's 'ow I got my penshan.

TJ FUN.--AUGUST 31, 1887.

2. u.



L rL~'3~i


-~ -~z-~
"-7 b

GRAND OLD KEEPER (suddenly making his appearance).-"OCH MON, Y'RE BL.ZIN' AWA' FINE AND EARLY AT



; z- ,

94 IFTU N AUGUST 31, 1887.


I I 1

Dr. Blossom.-" In my humble opinion, the patient ought to have
a most generous diet-port, turtle, lobsters, &c."
Dr. Squilter-" According to my view of the case, he must be
reduced to a starvation diet of slops-the weakest chicken broth,
barley-water, &c."
Dr. Blossom.-" Um-er-well, it's rather a difficult question to
decide which of us is right. What do you say to tossing up for it ?
Heads I win, tails you lose. First call, Old Boy, for I'm rather busy
this afternoon."

JONES said, "Come and fish. The river's simply lovely now. I
know a splendid swim by Marlow. You're fond of fishing."
"Jones," I said, "I shall not deceive you. The humble tiddlerr,'
caught in Hampstead ponds, and brought home in a green pot, was
about the extent of my boyhood's sport, and I can't even think of that
tenderly for the many owners my father gave me on my arrival home."
Why, didn't you fish in the New River ?"
"As an honest city tradesman, Jones, I own up to it. I used to fish
in the New River when it flowed by Sadler's Wells Theatre. I always
had a notion that the fish used to be fed on bits of the old scenery and
actors' trunks, and that's what made them look so slim and elegant."
But did you never fish in the Thames? "
"Jones," I answered, "I never yet tempted the Coroners' Inquests
so far as that. My wife Maria is troublesome at times, but I don't
want to picture her, seated on a marble tomb at Highgate, mourning
myself, and having sherry and home-made sandwiches."
"But the river is quite safe enough," says Jones.
"I think the bank's safer," said I.
So's the Bank of England," says Jones.
"Well, what do you say to a quiet day in a punt on the river?
Pigeon-pie, you know, and a lobster and lettuce, you know, and two
bottles of champagne, you know, sit in your arm-chair, you know, and
take things easy, you know."
Jones always had a pleasant way with him, that much I must admit,
and pigeon-pie (without too much fat, and with herbs, of course) is tooth-
some. There's a little too much "you know" about Jones. In other
respects he's quite an admirable creature. And a lobster, too I Listen-
ing to the ripple of the water is pleasant, I'm foolish enough to admit.
But I must. I always was a man of truth.
"Jones," said I, "I'm your man. We'll do it down at Cookham
to-morrow by the eleven o'clock."
We met at the Paddington bar. Jones is wolfing down sausage-rolls.
Jones is a wolfer at sausage-rolls. I wish he wasn't. Miserable decep-
tions they are, all fluff outside and nothing in 'em, like an American
railway dividend.
We get into the train. Jones says, "Smoke one ot these weeds;
they ain't particularly good." They're not good ; they're very bad.
Then I try to read the Standard and the St. James's (last night's), then
I read the shilling awful I bought on chance, and it nearly kills me. I
fall asleep. Cookham !" We haven't had to change at Taplow.
That's something, anyhow.

We get out. There's an omnibus waiting. We drive down through
the town to the river.
Have a refresher before we get aboard," says Jones. There's a
man waiting there with a punt.
"I know," he says, a good swim up nigh Bourne End." I've
never been to Bourne End before in my life. But I try to look as if I
knew something about Bourne End and something better on the end of
it. We get into the punt and sit in kitchen chairs. The man says,
"Hold on, governors, and we'll be there in a jiff." I don't exactly
know what a jiff is, but I suppose that it's all right. Thames boatmen,
of course, know everything. Jones falls out of his chair on to his nose.
He says "It's all in the day's work." Then he sits up in the chair and
wipes the ground bait off his face.
"There's nothing like sport," Jones says. I have a sort of feeling
that it's a very good thing there is not. We anchor the punt, or
whatever you like to call it, off a little red house on the bank.
"This is a good swim," says Jones, "I feel certain that we shall
catch something or the other."
The man baits our lines. I can't see any particular fun in watching
a float bobbing about in front of you. The float jerks. I say, "A
bite." Very likely. But there don't happen to be anything at the end
of the hook. Presently Jones sings out, "A bite." Jones doesn'tbring
anything up, though. We go on at this some time.
"I should like some pigeon-pie." Jones says the same. I say "I
should like just a claw of lobster." Jones says he should like just a
claw of lobster. Bless me, we have drunk the claret. We have drunk
the claret and we have nothing else to fall back on but the milk punch.
Jones says "It's very sad." We milk punch a little for a time. Jones
says, I should like to tell you a story I heard twenty-five years ago,
when I was a boy." Jones somehow or the other misses the story.
Then he says, I wonder where the ground bait is ?" The man says,
"Lor' bless you sir, don't you worrit yourself about that there. Jest
you have forty winks." From some extraordinary reason I feel that way
myself. I forty wink too.
Somebody catches hold of me by the shoulder.
"Wake up, sir, or you won't have time for the 8 o'clock. You
might'a watched a heap on 'em. On'y, lor bless you, a good sleep in the
river air does you a power o' good. It's a reg'ler good swim, though."
Fishing in the Thames I hold, and so does Jones, is a most rational
entertainment. It flavours the pigeon-pie-and lobster.




AUGUST 31, I887.


A Holiday Horror.
[According to The Medical Press and Circular:
' That curious psychological condition-holiday ennui
-oftentimes becomes very obtrusive to the tourist."]
A DOCTOR'S journal teaches
That those who dare to go
And lounge on sands and beaches,
Oft find that lounging slow.
It shows that those who revel
At places by the sea,
Complain of a dead level,
Of Holiday Ennui.
We read that gazing seaward;
On cobles, yachts and smacks;
Makes gazers turn ennui-ward
And thus the senses racks.
And e'en the pier's delusive,
For the same, same folks you see.
Which really seems conducive
To Holiday Ennui.
And even idly lying
Upon the beach to read,
Is often very trying,
Yea, horrible, indeed.
All pleasures, e'en the purest,
Most tame thus seem to be-
And tend to make the tourist
Feel Holiday Ennui.
But, why should we continue
This grumble any more ?
The country still will win you
Its pleasures to explore.
The present bard conjectures
That you from town will flee
In spite of all these lectures
On Holiday Ennuil
Ah I many worn and weary,
And minus worldly wealth-
Whose lives are dull and dreary,
And broken by ill-health.-
If they to spots alluring
Transported now could be,
Would gladly risk enduring
This Holiday Ennui!

A Ballade of Love and the Moon.
WE all connect love with the moon,
And the moon with the mind's aberration,
And logic can therefore lampoon
All love as mad hallucination.
But love yields no moonlight gradation-
No quarter, though ruling life's tide-
And never allows observation,
Excepting the luminous side I

We're said to be born with a spoon
In our mouths, an auspicious creation,
If of silver or gold is the boon,
And not a mere wooden negation.
This must be our justification
For spooning" a possible bride;
Love's glass allows no consultation,
Excepting the luminous side !

Hate's midnight eclipses love's noon,
And time appears all desolation,
Hate swallows up thought, and life soon
Treats love with intense reprobation,
As causing the heart's desecration;
And the use of the moon is denied,
Not even in this estimation,
Excepting the luminous side I

The back of the moon is hate's station,
But love will in brightness abide ;
And, like her, show no clear demonstration,
Excepting the luminous side.

1 -, .' ------ --- ..... "" t --i- ----- !-' -----

HOUR."-Old Proverbs, slightly altered.

New Leaves.
AT the end of the fifth volume of Lady Burton's Edition of her Husband's Arabian Nights,"
we arrive at the 944th night without their fascination falling off, and only regret that we are so
near the finish.-" Fifty Years of British Art," by J. E. Hodgson, R.A. (John Heywood). Mr.
Hodgson's opinions and conclusions may be read with interest, if not received with entire
acquiescence.-" Shadow and Sunlight," by Arthur Moore (City of London Publishing Com-
pany). These "poems" are far above the average, and are full of tender thought and tender
feeling.-" The Indispensable Bicyclists' Handbook," by Henry Sturmey (Iliffe and Son), con-
tains almost all that cyclists need to know, and they ought to know it all.-In the 45th part of
Parodies, the examples are many and varied, and, if possible, more than ordinarily interesting,
as they run on familiar favourites.

"PROFESSOR" BALDWIN, of San Francisco, has again jumped from a balloon. His parachute
held out, but he dropped into the sea and was rescued by several sailors. They risked their
lives to save the mad mountebank who tries experiments that are of no practical use to the
community. Sure as eggs! we shall have some lunatic emulating the "Professor's" example,
and settling down from the top of the Monument on to some respectable stock-broker's stove-
pipe hat, to the infinite chagrin and disgust of the directors of an insurance company.



Tut, tut In this enlightened age, too,
near the end of the nineteenth century.
Read this? Russian government have
SECOND B. S. Phaugh! Shocking I
Actually issued a decree forbidding-
F. B. S. Wagh! Perfect insanity.
The spread of education among the
lower classes; regarding it as an un-
mixed evil, calculated to-
F. B. S. Only to think or it To
make the lower classes discontented
with their position in life, and inclined
to raise themselves-
S. B. S. Tush! Pish Out of it!
Good heavens I that any civilized go-
vernment could lend itself to such igno-
rant, misguided, pernicious, ill-advised,
stupid, thoughtless, dunderheaded-
F. B. S. Exactly. Why, it is one of
the settled and incontrovertible axioms
of the civilized intelligence that the edu-
cational uprising of the masses is the
most excellent, wise, ardently-to-be-de-
S. B. S. Of course-precisely-no
S two opinions about it for a moment.
Su Let us, then, hold up our heads and flap
our wings in exultation at our own uni-
versally-acknowledged superiority of
knowledge. Hooray Now we'll see how differently our system of
compulsory education works. Just tell this affair to the British Thinking
BRITISH THINKING CLASSES. Lork-a-mussy! Tush! Wow What
an ignorant set of jackasses the Russians must be, to be sure! How
great a privilege and blessing it is to Britons that they know all about
it, and are wise. Just you notice how our statesmen's system works.
BRITISH T. C. We have been thinking it well over; and we can't
make it out, for the life of us. Once for all, Mrs. Classes, ma'am, why
on earth don't you engage a cook? I am waiting for my breakfast.
MRS. B. T. C. It's no use, Britty, dear; there aren't any cooks to be
had. You must go without your breakfast.
B. T. C. Humph I Well, at anyrate we might have the bed made.
Just ring for the housemaid, and let her--
MRS. B. T. C. My dearest Thinkie, there isn't any housemaid. You
know I cannot obtain one for love or money.
B. T. C. Well, but-hang it I Where are all the British young
women of the humbler
classes? Have they-
hang it all !-died out ?
MRS. B. T. C. Yes
-at least they are all
well educated now, and
only go out as gover-
nesses. Here they are
coming up the street, in
answer to my advertise-
ment for a governess to
impart a senior wrang-
ler's education for ten-
and-sixpence a year.
B. T. C. Good hea-
vens what a thunder of
advancing myriads.
Why, the heavens are
darkened with--with--
locusts, is it ?
MRS. B. T. C. No,
my love, it's only gover-
B. T. C. But there's
no air l We shall be
suffocated, and trampled
to death I Call a cab
quickly, for heaven's sake Let's get away out of town. Where's a
loafer to put the luggage on-
MRS. B. T. C. My love, all the loafers are highly educated now, and

AUGUST 31, 1887.

only accept situations as head masters of Eton and Rugby. There are
no cabmen, either-they're all college dons-except, of course, those
that are starving. Speaking of that, have you read the statistics of
pauperism? It seems that there are at present seven millions of paupers
in London-all members of learned professions, and all starving by the
million a day. You see they don't care to take to manual labour-it's
so infra dig for persons who are well educated and whose parents were
bricklayers and laundresses.
B. T. C. Humph Well, then there are no operatives, or dustmen,
or railway porters, or- Dear, dear. I suppose we had better
emigrate to-to-a country where there aren't any Education Acts!
I'll just ask the British Statesman what's to be done.
B. STATESMAN. My dear sir, Idon't know. I'm in a regular fix, and
the commercial prosperity of the country's gone to rags. You'd better
try Russia for a bit.
(But after all it's only our fun; for we do approve of education,
though you might not think it. )

The Butterfly Barmaid!
OH, bright was the "pub called the Skittle and Ball,"
But brighter its barmaid-ay, fairer than all,
So sylphlike and graceful in every act-
They called her the "Butterfly Barmaid," in fact!
To describe her attractions were really a task
To stagger a poet; but still, should you ask,
I'd remark that her face was the fairest e'er seen-
And the Butterfly Barmaid looked scarcely eighteen.
The mashers" came nightly to lounge at the Bar,
By her fame, irresistibly drawn from afar.
Till 12;30, these worshippers ne'er would depart-
Yes, the Butterfly Barmaid won every heart.
And anon, there came Jones (we'll suppose that's his name,
But it wasn't). He saw her, and felt love's sweet flame,
His heart then went thump-thumpity-thump in his breast,
For the Butterfly Barmaid was gorgeously dressed.
When she smiled on our hero, it gladdened his heart,
And he'd murmur, She's mashed I" as he turned to depart,
He'd exclaim, Farewell, Hebe, so youthful and bright,"
While the Butterfly Barmaid said sweetly Good night."
He vowed he would win her, his love was intense,
(Which didn't say much, I'm afraid, for his sense,)
And sundry small presents he'd frequently buy
For the Butterfly Barmaid, who'd murmur "Oh, my I"
Now it happened one day he'd occasion to call,
Ere it verged upon noon, at the Skittle and Ball,"
But she wasn't made up in her usual way-
And the Butterfly Barmaid looked older by day!
He staggered !-" Can this be my charmer?" he cried,-
And, alas I've long hankered to call her my bride !"
He fled from the spot, and his anguish was sore,
For the Butterfly Barmaid looked forty-or more I
He told to his rivals the horrible tale,
They went there by day, and their faces turned pale,
That the Butterfly Barmaid !" they said in dismay,
And they, too, in horror, fled quickly away.
And that syren's admirers were never seen more:
To lounge at the bar as they'd oft done before.
The publican fumed-he had cause, you'll admit-
And the Butterfly Barmaid had notice to quit.

j tTHE other day a magistrate complimented a girl who had secured a
thief, by saying I consider that your conduct was most courageous,
and deserving of great commendation." I quite agree with you, sir,"
said the thief. That man was a born diplomatist. The damsel cast a
sympathetic glance at him. The magistrate's face softened, and he was
sentenced to two months' imprisonment instead of six, just because he
understood human nature.

THE German police have forbidden processions of the Salvation
Army at Worms, several of the inhabitants having hinted that they
would treat the disturbing invaders with a shower of leaden slugs if
they persisted in their systematic annoyance.

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