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 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Index
 Fun
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Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00050
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
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Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00050
Source Institution: University of Florida
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Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page 1
        Title Page 2
    Preface
        Preface
    Index
        Index
    Fun
        Page 1
        January 5, 1887
            Page 2
            Page 3
            Page 4
            Page 5
            Page 6
            Page 7
            Page 8
            Page 9
            Page 10
        January 12, 1887
            Page 11
            Page 12
            Page 13
            Page 14
            Page 15
            Page 16
            Page 17
            Page 18
            Page 19
            Page 20
        January 19, 1887
            Page 21
            Page 22
            Page 23
            Page 24
            Page 25
            Page 26
            Page 27
            Page 28
            Page 29
            Page 30
        January 26, 1887
            Page 31
            Page 32
            Page 33
            Page 34
            Page 35
            Page 36
            Page 37
            Page 38
            Page 39
            Page 40
            Page 41
            Page 42
        February 2, 1887
            Page 43
            Page 44
            Page 45
            Page 46
            Page 47
            Page 48
            Page 49
            Page 50
            Page 51
            Page 52
        February 9, 1887
            Page 53
            Page 54
            Page 55
            Page 56
            Page 57
            Page 58, 59
            Page 60
            Page 61
            Page 62
            Page 63
            Page 64
        February 16, 1887
            Page 65
            Page 66
            Page 67
            Page 68
            Page 69
            Page 70
            Page 71
            Page 72
            Page 73
            Page 74
        February 23, 1887
            Page 75
            Page 76
            Page 77
            Page 78
            Page 79
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            Page 81
            Page 82
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            Page 85
            Page 86
        March 2, 1887
            Page 87
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            Page 89
            Page 90
            Page 91
            Page 92
            Page 93
            Page 94
            Page 95
            Page 96
        March 9, 1887
            Page 97
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            Page 100
            Page 101
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            Page 103
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            Page 105
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        March 16, 1887
            Page 107
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            Page 109
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            Page 111
            Page 112
            Page 113
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            Page 115
            Page 116
        March 23, 1887
            Page 117
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            Page 119
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            Page 121
            Page 122, 123
            Page 124
            Page 125
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            Page 127
            Page 128
        March 30, 1887
            Page 129
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            Page 131
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        April 6, 1887
            Page 141
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            Page 146
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            Page 150
        April 13, 1887
            Page 151
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            Page 153
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            Page 160
        April 20, 1887
            Page 161
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            Page 163
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            Page 170
        April 27, 1887
            Page 171
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            Page 173
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            Page 182
        May 4, 1887
            Page 183
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            Page 187
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        May 11, 1887
            Page 193
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            Page 200
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        May 18, 1887
            Page 205
            Page 206
            Page 207
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            Page 212
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            Page 214
            Page 215
            Page 216
        May 25, 1887
            Page 217
            Page 218
            Page 219
            Page 220
            Page 221
            Page 222, 223
            Page 224
            Page 225
            Page 226
            Page 227
            Page 228
        June 1, 1887
            Page 229
            Page 230
            Page 231
            Page 232
            Page 233
            Page 234
            Page 235
            Page 236
            Page 237
            Page 238
        June 8, 1887
            Page 239
            Page 240
            Page 241
            Page 242
            Page 243
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            Page 245
            Page 246
            Page 247
            Page 248
        June 15, 1887
            Page 249
            Page 250
            Page 251
            Page 252
            Page 253
            Page 254
            Page 255
            Page 256
            Page 257
            Page 258
        June 22, 1887
            Page 259
            Page 260
            Page 261
            Page 262
            Page 263
            Page 264, 265
            Page 266
            Page 267
            Page 268
            Page 269
            Page 270
        June 29, 1887
            Page 271
            Page 272
            Page 273
            Page 274
            Page 275
            Page 276
            Page 277
            Page 278
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text





































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PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS)
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BY W. LAY,


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LONDON: PRINTED BY DALZIEL BROTHERS, CAMDEN PRESS, N.W.

















































PRIEFAC EJ


By Jingo !" exclaimed FUN the Mighty, looking at his watch. "If it isn't my Jubilee!"
To ring the bell for all the crowned and coroneted heads of the world was the work of an instant.
The heads fell instantly into their places as train-bearers. ,
Ha! Your turn now, I see. Accept my very best wishes, in exchange for yours," exclaimed Her
Majesty.
"Mine, madam, are ever in your possession," replied the Loyal One.
"Then we have reigned an equal time, you and I ?" said Her Majesty.
FUN, the Truly Courteous, bowed low, without a word.
It was not for him to better his Queen at anything; so he was silent as to the fact that it was not
the fiftieth, but-THE FIFTY THOUSANDTH YEAR OF HIS REIGN!!!
















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LITERARY.
AFTER a Matinee, 84
All-Round Nuisance, An, 8
Annus Mirabilis, 7
Annual Visitor, An, 137
Another Twinge, o106
Another Victim, 266
April Foolishness, 133
Art Fumiss-ing, 173
As to Brickbats, 234
BAD Boys' Ballads, No. I., 35; No, II.,
71; No. IllI., 79
Baffled Devastator, The, 247
Ballade of Indelible Ink, The, 241
Beauty on Doorsteps, 73
Belinda B., 17
Bells, The, 257
" Billee-Jew for the Editor, A, 231
Boat-Race Symphony, A, 125
Borrowed from Britain, 38
CABINET Mending. 34
Change for the Better, A, 215
Cheerful Companion to the Calendar, A,
6, 23, 51, 67, 89, 120, 253, 174, 196, 219,
251, 269
Circumstances Alter Cases, 143
Clang of the Clock Tower, The, 50, 62,
73, 84, 95, 104, 109, 121, 38, 147, 157,
'68, 175 1, 1, 97, 209, 224,'237, 257, 273
"Coercion," 140
Colourable Comment, A, 99
Consolation for Conservatives, X9, 226
Conversations for the Times, 26, 34, 78,
214, 124
Cry is, "Still they Come !" The, 60
Cult of Good St. Va'emine, The, 72
DANGEROUS Performance, A, 74
Distracting Damsel, A, 125
Dots by the Way. 131, 181, 271
Dressing for the Jubilee, 258
EASTER Egging, 143
Effects of it, The, 273
Euphemism, 188
FAIR One for My Valentine, A, 63
Fatal Omission, A, 16
Fine Weather Abroad, 169
Flowers in the Spring, The, 181
GENUINE Grievance, A, 221
"Git in Ennywhere !" 48
Grosvenor Gallery, The, 195, 214, 219
HALIBUT'S Hardship, 241
Hath Music no Charm? 98
Haunted, 42
Hotch Potch, 35, 105, 125, 246
How they do it at Manchester, 254
"Humdrum Budget, The," 192
IN Difficulties, 1o
Infant Prodigy, The, 116
In Memoriam, 28
In Quest of a Juryman, 157
Intelligent Foreigner at the Wild West,
The, 208
JOHN Bull s Nightmare, 228
Joseph's Nose, 167
ubilee Gleaning, 137
ubilee Bill, The, 278
Jubilee, he, 262
Jubilee Valentines for the Million, 64
KEEPING Company, 207.
Knicknacks, 3, 18, 28, 38, 50, 60, 72, 82, 93.
io4, 112, 126, 138, 149, 158, 168, 80o, 188,
200, 212, 224, 236, 245, 256, 266, 276
LATE Dinners, 45
Little Interlude, A, 170


Love and Lucre, 261
MAD Miss Mercy, 70
Man who can Talk, The, 181
May, or May Not, 209
Merry Mixture, A, 105
Misondersthood Mimber, The, 146
Miss O. A.'s Idol, o102
Moment of Remorse, A, 136
Mr. Goschen's Opinion of Himself, r27
Mysterious Member, The, 254
NEw Leaves, 9, g, 26, 39, 49, 63, 8 588,
115, 148, 156, 221, 235, 245, 255
Newest Deadheads, The, 212
New Love and Old, 148
Not a Dead Heat. 247
Not Amenable to the Laws, 113
Nothing to Say, 255
OLYMPIAN Games, 292, 197
Our Theatrical Roundabout, 9
PARLIAMENTARY Pepper-Box, A, 63
Paul Pry at the Palace, 3o
Perilous Post, A, 26
Poltwattle s First Valentine, 55
QUITE New to It, 178
RETURN of the Wanderer, The, 149
Romaunt ofthe Schoolmaster and the Pork-
Butcher, The, 93
Rosy Pro-posy-al, A, 159
Royal Academy, The, 185, 203, 215, 236
SECRET Out, The, 214
Shutting Them Up, 248
Sixpenny Valentine, A, 57
Slashes and Puffs, 2, 12, 22, 32, 44, 54, 66,
76, 88, 9 o, x18, 130, 142, 152, 162,
172, 184, 194, 206, 218, 230, 240, 250, 260,
272
TALE of a Telephone, A, 261
That Awful Guest, 202 -,
That Wretched Child, 96
Through Gallic Glasses, 83
To a Rampant Shakespearite, 41
Too Awful to be True, 244
Tory Bank Holiday, The, 231
Tossing the Procedure Pancake, 86
Turf Cuttings, 16, 66, 112, 126, 163, 180,
221, 246, 276
UNDER False Colours, 29
Up to Time, 270
VESTED Interests, 18
WANDERING Minstrel, The, 128
Water-y Warble. A, 103
Winter Carpet, The, 13
ENGRAVINGS.
ACCOMMODATING Brush, An, I59
All Fools' Day, 132
All Over the Shopping, 208
Artistic Bayonet, The, 181
As to Libel, 61
At the Academy, 202
At the Jubilee Stores, 105
BAGGS s Bargain, no
Ball-Room Guide Illustrated, The, Part I.,
21; Part II., 31; Part III., 43
Bank Holiday, The, 151
Bank-'Olidaying It, 238
"Beauties of Shakespeare." 19, 29, 38, 45,
60, 70, 82, 95, 99, 114, 321, 133, 149, 166
200, 212, 234, 245, 255, 268, 272
CASTE I 106
Convincing, 83
Cost Price, q
DERnnY Deception, A, 217


Derby Day, 228
Derby Mems, 225
De-rider, A, 3
Difference, A, 167
EASTER Manoeuvres, The, 16o
Easter Monday Episode, An, 147
Easy Settlement, 50
Excellent System, An, 2iq
Extension of the 'Deputy System, 274
FEET-URI, A, 45
Few Prodigies, A, 86
Fireside Critic, The, 144
" Full Pint and a Pure Pint, A," 99
Further War Rumours, 74
GREAT Drawback, A, 40
Great Personages at Home, 133
HARBOUR of Refuge, The, 90
Hearth-Rug M.P., I"he, 232
Heartrending Cataogue of Sorrows, A, 94
Heavy Artillery, 48
He's Got It On, 6-
INFLUENCE Defied, 229
Introduction, An, i
JEST and Earnest! 124
ottings on Valentines Day, 55
Jubilee. 216
Jubilee Fever, 52
Jubilee, The, 49
Jubilee Tub-Race, The, o20
" KEEPING Pace with the Times," 2o
LABOUR Market, The, 57
Ladder Trick, The, 179
Latest "Sweet Thing" in the Fashions,
The, 248
"London Children's Jubilee Fund," 246
Little Game of Cribbage, A, 182
MAKING Games, 231
SMan that hath no Music in his Soul, A,"
150
Mere Buoy, A, 278
Metropolitan Improvements, 170
More Defiance of Influence, 239
Most Unlikely Thing, A, 276
NARRow Escape, A, 14

Nightcaps are Coming In !" 116
Not according to Cocker, 19
Not but what it's Right Enough, 146
Not Half a Jubilee 4
Not Quite Caught, you Bet 85
Notes from Newmarket, 189
OIRELAND as She Is, 137
Our April Fooleries, 129
Our Music Hall Page, 17r
Our Jubilee Exhibition of the Royal Aca-
demy, 186, 198, 210
Our Volunteers, 148
Out on the Jubilation Job, 271
PEEP Behind the Scenes, A, 196
Perfidious Albion Again 23
Philosophy of Skating, The, 33
Pleasant Information, 127
Police Analyst, A, 143
Pooty Kind o' Westry! A," 242
QUEsTION of the Hour, A, 141
"RAVKN-OUS Attack bya Peck-ish Bird,"
A, 27
Reproduction I Reproduction! Social
Status Secured o 21
Royal Jeremy Diddler, A, 4t
"SELL," A, 92
Seen from the Passing Bus," 128
Sense of Injury, The, 183


Settling the Pint, 35
She Broke It Off, 77
Slip of the Tongue, A, 214
Should a Man Open his Wife's Letters?
'59
Sixpenny Valentine, A, 56
Social Pest, A, 258
Some British Commodities-No. I, 68;
No. II., o8; No. II.. ino; No. IV.,
154; No. V., 164; No. VI., 190
Some Cricket Jottines, 204
"Something too much of this," 203
Some Pretty How D'ye Do'.," 277
Sporting Notes, 7, 73, 85, 109, 127, 195,
207, 237, 247
Sticking Up for the Home Strain, 39
Studies at the Painters' Masque, 227
"Stump Sermon, A," 174
Sweet Little Egotist, 256
TAKEN Off, 71
That Alarum of Hookwinch's, 13
That Dreadful Lady Doctor 78
There's a Good Time Coming, 185
There's a Reason for Everything, 251
Thieves of Drury Lane, The, 1x
Those Awful Little Brothers, 64
To and Fro, 271
UNACCOUNTABLY Omitted, 205
Under the Clock in June, 249
Unknowingly Under Her Thumb, 235
Unoffendable One, The, 213
VALENTINE Boomerang, A, 53
Victims of Long Hours, 115
WAYS and Means, 139
Whipping Creation, 24
Why he didn't Salute, 169
YET Another of those Terrible Children!
'95
Your Precious'Ealth, Part I.,65; Part II,
75; Part III., 87; Part IV., 97; Part
V., 107
ZOOLOGICAL Reminder, A, 163
CARTOONS.
ANOTHER Twinge, xlo
" COERCION," 135
DANGEROUS Performance. A, 69
Dressing for the Jubilee, 253
HAUNTED, 37
" Humdrum Budget, The," 187
IN Difficulties, 5
Infant Prodigy, The, in
JOHN Bull's Nightmare, 222
Jubilee Bill, The, 275
Jubilee, The, 264
Jubilee Valentines for the Million, 58
KEEPING Company, 2xi
LITTLE Interlude, A, 165
Nuw Cook, The, 81
PAUL Pry at the Palace, 25
SHUTTING Them Up, 243
"Situation," The, 15
Spring Flowers, g99
THAT Dreadful Child 155
That Wretched Child 9t
Tory Bank Holiday, The, 233
Tory Egg, The, 145
WANDERING Minstrel, The, 122
" Willing," 47
Write or Wrong? 177


0,/









JANUARY 5, 1887. FIU N I


s -D %JJ5 ~AN INTRODUCTION.
WISE and Witty One was deeply engrossed with his new number, so he did not hear the slight tap
That preceded the entrance of a magnificently-attired young lady into his mysterious sanctum.
The lady was so beautifully dressed, and so prettily made up, that the Office Boy was quite
mashed, and, trusting to her statement that she once knew FUN very well, he allowed her to pass
into the presence. But the Sage-Humourist did not recognize her.
S"I am Pantomime," she said, timidly.
"Dear, dear so you are I" cried the Comic-Eruditist. "Excuse my forgetfulness, but it's years
since we had anything to do with each other, you know."
"You think me'changed, then?" said Pantomime, anxiously.
"H'm Well, yes," replied Mr. FUN, looking at her thoughtfully. "You're such a tremendous swell, you see; then you're
nothalf so sprightly and merry as you used to be; you're sad, and dull, and there's a sort of-er-well, music hall air about you
that- I tell you what it is, miss-you're getting old, that's what's the matter, and you're trying to make up for lost attractions
by fast manners and gorgeous dresses, and the result is that you are a bit vulgar-there "-"I think you're very cruel," remonstrated
the visitor-" Cruel to be kind," interjected the sage-"and don't you think you're getting old yourself? Are you quite as funny as
ever ? "-" I I grow old I shall never grow old, my dear; and, as for funny, look here," and he raised a paper upon which he had
just inscribed a brilliant brand-new joke, at which even sad-browed Pantomime burst into hearty laughter. "And," he continued,
"you will find plenty more of the same sort in THE FORTY-FIFTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES OF 'FUN.'"

VOL. XLV,-NO, 1130.


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led---









2 FT

SLASHES AND PUFFS.
,I tHE PRINCESS'S.-Of course Mr.
ELJ V H. A. Jones, being the sole author
of The Silver King, has a right to
Stake it as a source of inspiration
j Vfor a new play if he likes; The
0 Lights o' London is a different pair
of shoes, however, unless--of
? course, why didn't I think of it
before ?-he is part author of that
also. Anyway, the "new" play,
The Noble Vagabond, could hardly
have seen the light without the
pre-existence of the other two, I
should say-and perhaps no irre-
parable loss either.
SOME people are quite excited
about it, and, with fond emphasis
declare it to be the strongest play
produced for years. Pooh It
has one strong, and, as far as I
know, original situation; but
apart from that it is a surprisingly
'- Mill-constructed, clumsy, poorly-
THE PRINCESS's.-A MODEL ACTRESS written resurrection of old melo-
dramatic characters and expedients
down to the poor and pitiful front cloth, before which uninteresting
matters drag forth their weary length, while carpenters do busily employ
themselves with a heavy set. It is Mr. George Barrett's dismal fate to
pass most of his time before these cloths, paying out funereal humour as
a sort of second-hand Jarvis-he has hardly any "show",in the big
scenes.
THE scene is laid in the country, but no substantial advantage is taken
of the circumstance, except to give a representation of a country fair,
which is very well done-particularly in respect to the noise, which
effectually prevents any of the dialogue being overheard-but it hardly
seems worth all the trouble. Miss Dorothy Dene has a trying part to
play, but perhaps some day (when she has almost forgotten that she
ever sat as a model to Sir Frederick Leighton, and ceases to "drape"
herself as if she might be called upon to do so again at any moment)
she will be able to play it; meantime, she makes a very fair try." It
is only the heavy parts in which she lacks gradation and variety, that
have the best of her. The love scene in the park was very prettily and
truthfully done.
EVERYBODY knows how Mr. Charles Warner would play the virtuous,
wronged and chivalrous hero-and-well-that's how he plays it. He
contributed one flash of amusement to a dull evening by lingering long
and fondly before the curtain when answering a call, and it was sheer
ingratitude on the part of that god or pittite who requested him not to
"be so conceited." Mr. Cartwright acted with firmness and conspicuous
clearheadedness as the villain, and Miss Annie Hughes danced some
steps of the Highland Fling with a pleasant show of understanding-I
may say, of two understandings.
FI'lJIIf I V ,i\ ll /irii l i w e'P i ll hVmi lulnm ii i,,.. wNIVL


(^ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ .- y lpl ^ f
THE PRINCE OF WALIS'S.-ALICE A-LIS-TENING.
THE PRINCE OF WALES's.-There is.only one play in London for
children, and this is it. Long have kindly people clung to the idea
that pantomime, was'meant for the youngsters, and long have they


TJI JANUARY 5, 1887.

striven to persuade themselves that the small fry thoroughly enjoy and
appreciate the la-di-da brigade," allusions to keyholes, and the spil-
ling of milk, and all the usual "music hall turn" humour generally;
but the idea was really exploded long ago, and I should think Alice in
Wonderland would give it its
quietus, and leave pantomime to
the "grown-ups" it is more or
less fit for.

MR. SAVILE CLARKE has done
his work with reverence ; as with
the book, the play contains no
consecutive story, but there is
plenty of consecutive fun, and the
quaint fancies and delightful
humour of the stories (for Through
the Looking Glass forms the
second act) keep the little ones
to whom they are new in con- /,
stant laughter, and those to whom
they are old friends in constant
delight of recognition. Miss
Phoebe Carlo is just the Alice
of our hearts-she seemed a bit -f
nervous at. the first perform-
ance, which perhaps accounted
for her singing being rather thin ;
but she is just the bright-eyed,
smooth haired, sweet spirited
little lassie' we have dreamt of; THE GAIETY.-BACK FROM A CRUISE.
sorely tried in her common-sense
by the fatuously "superior" argumentative powers of the queer
creatures about her, and ready for a romp at any moment. Mr. Clarke
has given the play a purely poetic, but (in an acting sense) extremely
dangerousfinale. The little actress is equal to it, however, and the
dreamy wonder of the child's face as the curtain descends is as charming
and pretty as can be, and soon finds out one's weak places.
THE other children ot the cast are excellent too. Master Edgar
Norton's Hare is capitally played, so are the four parts in charge of
Masters Charles and Stephen Adeson; but little Miss Dorothy D'Alcourt
carried off the palm for a delightfully unconscious performance of the
Dormouse. The Oyster episode is too long and clumsy, but some of the
child-acting is very quaint. The children are assisted by Messrs.
Sydney Harcourt, W. Chessman, C. Bowland, H. H. H. Cameron, John
Ettinson, and the Rosa Troupe. Mr. Harcourt's Hatter is very funny.

THE GAIETY.- As a triumphant instance of author-smothering,
Monte Cristo, 'r., would bear off the palm in all the ages, I should say.
In the absence of a printed book, and the presence of a large pruning,
it is difficult to say what Richard Henry's" work is really worth.
The few lines that remain are very funny, most of the "notions"
are clever and pointed, and, with the construction, are of an order vastly
superior to the usual burlesque run. But the putting on smothers it.
IT is all very well to have a strong cast and a magnificent mounting (and
anybody whose purse is long can accomplish these things), but where
the managerial genius, tact, or whatever you like to call it, comes in, is in
the successful endeavour to combine these with an interesting or amusing
play. Otherwise, your stage carpenter and dresser force you to cut
down your dialogue to vanishing point, and your strong cast has to be
allowed to introduce its various "specialities," so that, after the first
act (where the author, for the sake of explanation, &c., is allowed some
of his own way) the show becomes a mixture of music hall turns and a
milliner's shop-all very well for those who like it, but why call it a
play, or employ the harmless, unnecessary author?
APART from the absence of an understandable story (to those who don't
know the book) the show is certainly a magnificent one. Mr. Percy
Anderson has revelled in a period exceptional in its richness of sugges-
tion, and seems to have done nearly everything there is to be done with
it. The scenery is of a character never dreamt of in the old days of
burlesque-the Chateau D'If is particularly fine.
Miss NELLY FARREN and Mr. Fred Leslie are the life and soul
of the entertainment, with a good seconding (or is it thirding) from Mr.
E. J. Lonnen. Somebody is pretending to think that the lady has
some real tragic power, because she was so much in earnest at the end
of the second act; this is funnier than anything either she or Leslie (who
is a constant source of amusement) do all the evening. If there is any-
thing at all in the notion, it only proves that, so far from being a lost
melodramatic actress, Miss Farren is a failure in burlesque-a reduction
ad absurdum upon which there is no necessity to enlarge. NESTOR.


- II --








JANUARY 5, 1887. FUN. 3


KNIOKNAOKS.
IT was at a fancy fair, held ostensibly for the purpose of supplying
the cannibals of Hayti with pepper-castors and toothbrushes, that the
pretty little stall-keeper, Miss Millie
Sparking, said to young Lord Gour-
mandby, "Now, Peter, dear boy, you
must really buy this beautiful pin-
cushion 1-it's only ten guineas-a mere
trifle, you know, to you." "I beg
pardon, Miss Millie," replied Lord
Gourmandby, "doosid sorry; but 'pon
my soul I can't afford it. You know I
am the prodigal son." "Gracious good-
ness Peter," ejaculated the snappylittle
beauty, arching her eyebrows, "who'd
.have thought it? Why, I should have
guessed you more like the fatted calf.
But we live and learn. Ta, ta I Peter;
don't look so uncharitable I Do try and
bear yourself like a great and magnanimous Christian I"

OUT of 645 samples of wine analysed recently in Paris, 450 were de-
clared to be adulterated to an injurious extent-to an extent that
would bring fine old port from the logwood, and rich brown sherry from
the laboratory, almost under the category of innocuous beverages. The
next time the Germans enter Paris, they may find there is death in the
Parisian bowl, unless things are altered before the forthcoming war
takes place. __

ONE Mr. George Shelling, known as the "King of the Tramps," was
recently detained on a charge of vagrancy. His majesty was wearing
twelve coats, thirty pairs of stockings, and twelve yards of carpet tied
round his body at the time of his arrest. About a hundred yards of
boot-laces had to be unknotted, cut and unravelled before this eccentric
monarch's garb could be removed, and, this labour performed, it became
obvious that the potentate, like many other distinguished men, regarded
water for ablutionary purposes as a ridiculous luxury not to be thought of.

"I SEE your horse is lame, Barney," said an inspector to a Dublin
carman. "Lame, your honour," replied Barney, "no sich thing, divil
a bit, the boy's right enough, begorra I But when he's in the presence
of a great man he always thrimbles at the knees, and his gait becomes
mighty onsartin. It's onpossible for him to stand upright in the
presence of a great man, bedad !"

IT seems from all accounts that the air of Baltimore, U.S.A., is so
pure and invigorating that if an inhabitant does not live to a hundred
years it is his, or her, fault-accidents barred, of course. Some folk
live to such an age that they actually commit suicide simply because
they become afflicted with ennui and pine for a change. Baltimore
forms a happy contrast to Panama, which is such an unhealthy locality
that acquaintances greet each other on meeting with the lugubrious
salutation, "What, not dead yet? So glad I" Panama, we believe, is
the only place in the world where second-hand coffins may be obtained.

MR. W. K. VANDERBILT hopes to acclimatise English pheasants in
the States. He has imported a number from the Prince of Wales's
coverts. We trust that W. K. V. is not so wicked as some of his
countrymen, who have a degraded, morbid penchant for boiling
pheasants. Yes, deliberately and with malice aforethought boiling 'em!

IT is estimated that about four hundred people are annually killed or
badly wounded in the United States by the accidental discharge of fire-
arms. The terrible toy-pistol knocks out about two-thirds of the
number. Even the hardest-shelled mothers-in-law are not proof against
the horrid weapon.

A FEW weeks back a manufacturer received an order for "charity"
blankets, specifying the prices, which were extremely low, of course.
The order concluded with the following words, "You may make them
of any kind of wool, and use as little of it as you please." Oh, chilly,
chilly charity I

AN elderly woman, who turned up her eyes in an appalling manner,
was charged, a few days back, with being on a very severe "bender,"
and challenging the mob to fight. Has she been here before ? asked
the magistrate. "Fifteen times, yer washup," replied a constable.
This is an awful world 1" ejaculated the prisoner; "nine times only,
as I'm a living beauty." "Seven shillings and sixpence, or ten days,"
said the magistrate. "It will be very unfortnit if we are all in the
same position on the last day," said the defendant. "At the same time,
I wanted a check in my giddy kayreer, and I've got it. Saints bless
you, beaky I Good-bye, sweetheart, good-bye."


Overhead Wires.
(BY THEIR DESTROYER.)
"AHA !" said the snow,
"Now.forth I'll go,
And cover the land with a heavy white pall;
And as I pass through
Great damage I'll do,
And I'll hinder the traffic wherever I fall.
Through roofs will I soak,
And I'll cover poor folk,
Whom Fate in the meanest of raiment attires;
But my best chance of sport
Of the damaging sort,
Is my havoc of overhead telegraph wires.
"Very often ere this,
Have those wires gone amiss,
Because I've thought fit to indulge in a storm;
And many a 'row'
Has there been before now,
'Cause authorities calmly refuse to reform.
They well know that I,
When a chance I espy,
On the telegraph-posts wreak my fiercest desires;
Yet, of course, they refuse
To alter their views,
And continue to put up those overhead wires.
I not only prevent
Any news to be sent,
I endanger men's lives by the wires I have snapped;
And yet underground
Are those wires seldom found,
Though everyone owns 'twere a notion most apt.
But Redtapedom says No,'
Therefore I, Mister Snow
(Inasmuch as Redtapedom to Sense ne'er aspires;)
Can continue to be
A destroyer, you see,
Of miles of these overhead telegraph wires."


A DE-RI DER.
Mr. Berrysfootte (to Mr. Spurriter).-" By-the-bye, I saw Mr.
Cramsuddy riding in the Park yesterday."
Mr. Spurriter (to Mr. Berryspootte).-" Riding, my dear fellow
being carried about by a horse, you mean."








NOT HALF A JUBILEE!























There's a fellow we know-a brick of a fellow, whose name we need not disclose, but who sells penny numbers of a periodical-who said, "Why, if this isn t the
first week of the Jubilee Year I Now, there ought to be no buying and selling, and money-grubbing, in a Jubilee Year. Let us all resolve to give what we have to
dispose of; things will be found to balance in the end. Now, Mr. Printer and Mr. Office Boy, you shall give me your services, and in return I will give each a
gratis copy of the periodical each week." Here occurred that good fellow's first disappointment: those two could not grasp the idea from the true Jubilee point of
view.


yl, v. 7 .- .
td~i=---1


However, others might enter'more readily into the spirit of the thing; so he tried his butcher. Another check I The butcher didn't see it either.

R-1[ i


Still the trier tried his landlord. "Look here aid he you let me live rent free and I won't charge for your weekly copy of THE periodical-see ? The land-
lord's behaviour was positively discourteous. What s the use of a Jubilee if people won't jubilate ?







IFTJN .-JANUARY 5, 1886.


-i I-


Lord Hartington,- "REALLY, YOU


IN DIFFICULTIES.
KNOW, I CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO HOLD YOU UP, BUT I SHALL BE HAPPY
TO GIVE YOU MY INDEPENDENT SUPPORT."








FUN.


JANUARY 5, 1887.


ARRIVAL OF SUB-LIEUTENANT DE GAITERS AT PORTSMOUTH.
Critical Tar No. I.-" WHAT D'YE THINK A CRANKY CUTTER LIKE THAT WANTS A-SAILIN' ABOUT 'ERE, OLD BARKY?"
Critical Tar No. 2.-" UGHI A CRANKY CRAFT, TOM; BUT I'LL BET A LEVEL OUNCE OF CAVENDISH IT'S A YOUNG OFFICER
AS HEY JUST BEEN GAZZETURED TO THE 'ORSE MARINES."
C. T. No. I.-" WELL, IF I WAS 'IM I'D TAKE THEM CANVAS COLLARS HORF OF MY TROTTERS AFORE I REPORTED MYSELF.
A-FLAUNTIN' OF 'EM BELOW LOOKS AS IF HE WAS OUT ON THE SPREE. IF HE AIN'T CAREFUL HE'LL COME A-MUCKER, OLD
BARKY, SURE AS THERE'S OYSTERS IN CAPE COD BAY."


A Cheerful Companion to the
Calendar.
JANUARY-(FIRST HALF,)
Ist. BE sure, on January one,
Turn over a new leaf;
Although, perhaps, you'll find the fun
As mild as it is brief.
2nd. The next day's Sunday, which you'll
spend
Howe'er you think'most proper;
To hunt, of course, you don't intend,
So need not fear a cropper.
3rd. To-day a potter "went to pot,"
That is, Josiah Wedgewood died;
If of his wares you've got a lot,
Take care you don't get "cracked"
with pride.
4th. Sir Isaac Newton chose this day
As fitting for his birth-
A fact which, if you will, you may
Regard as food for mirth.
5th. The Duke of York died on this day,
In eighteen twenty-seven,
And quite forgot his debts to pay
Before he went to heaven.
6th. Old Christmas Day. Don'tmindthough
some


May call your conduct loose,
If you invite your friends to come
And finish up your goose."

7th. This is the day of Boz's birth,
Who, very shortly after,
Declared himself the child of mirth,
And fill'd the world with laughter.
8th. Remember, if your plans are laid
To set your house on fire,
That all insurances you've made
Will on this day expire.
9th. His Majesty Napoleon Three,
By grace of coup detat,
The ghost this day gave up; some say-
And then too late by far i "
Ioth. Archbishop Laud was killed to-day-
Why, you may learn without much
reading;
When you have learned, perhaps you'll
say
'Twas not a laudable proceeding.
IIth. Hilary Term to-day begins,
Renewing lawyers' "jaw;"
Before it's over, for their sins,
Won't some exclaim, "Oh, law 1"
12th. Lavater died, who from his birth
Practised the sharpest of economies,


At once determining men's worth
By glancing at their physiognomies.
13th. Cambridge Lent Term opens now
(N.B. The term for borrowing
Is undetermined); this, some vow,
Subjects them to much sorrowing.
14'h. This day, long since, as you may see,
Itself records-the Times was started;
And from its veering policy
Has never for one hour departed.
I5th. The lady known as "good Queen Bess"
This day, in fifteen-fifty-nine,
Was crown'd; and some have dar'd
confess
Her "goodness" was not superfine.
16th. In other lands they've other ways
From ours of spending Sunday;
If bad you've been all other days,
Be good, at least, this one day.

HERR VON MOHL has been appointed Chief
Master of the Ceremonies at the Japanese
Court. He is to teach the Japs Teutonic eti-
quette. We trust he will not insist on them
picking their teeth at the dinner-table in an
autocratic manner, or informing them that table
knives are the best mediums for conveying
vegetables and gravy to the mouth.


6


~








JANUARY 5, 1887. FU N 7


ANNUS MIRABILIS.
A WONDERFUL year Oh, indeed I Who said it was, and who said
it wasn't? Well, and what has it all come to? That's what I should
like to know. We had the Colindries, and we had a political turn-up,
and there was fighting somewhere, as there always is. And what's the
good of it all? Why, nothing, sir. Bah I We had a very fine summer.
Of course we did, and most children were made ill by eating too much
cheap fruit. And every road out of London was made Pandemonium
by holiday-making "'Arrys "-a nice sort of advantage that for people
who live outside town. Every Sunday having their fruit trees and their
shrubs and flowers torn to pieces. That's the best of the fine weather,
as far as I can see. And then at the beginning of the year it was nice
seasonable weather. Was it? That meant that half the poor of London
were dying of cold. Yes I And all the Socialists turned out. And
that made the year very pleasant, of course; though, as far as Trafalgar
Square's concerned, I wish they had knocked it to pieces altogether.
The column and the lions only look like a cruet-stand at a cheap coffee-
house. If they'd knocked down, too, that hideous statue of George the
Third, pigtail and all, it would have been no great loss. One comfort,
when the Socialists turn out the women can't turn into and go shopping
in Regent Street, so some money's saved anyhow. Then who cared
at all about that Bulgarian nonsense ? I never met Prince Alexander in
his life. I don't know anything about Bulgaria, and never mean to go
there. And I care not a dose of Turkey rhubarb about Constantinople.
We had a great political upset. Of course we had, and a good job
too. If people lost their seats a little oftener, they wouldn't be so ready
to rush into Parliament to talk balderdash. That's what I say. One
seems to see the letters M.P. stuck up in every available bit of space
everywhere. M.P. seems to me to stand for More Playing the Fool,
and nothing else. If there was no House of Commons we should all
get along all the better. It's the everlasting talkee, talkee, that causes
half the mischief. How much better off all the parishes would be with-
out the vestries. A parcel of nonsense it all is. When a lot of men
meet together it either means talking nonsense, or betting, or drinking,
or borrowing money, or something.
Live by yourself, I say. Stop at home, and have nothing to do with
anybody. That's what I mean to do this year. Wish you a "Happy
New Year!" Not if I know it. DIOGENES TUBBS.

A TURK of a man says all Russian women have snub noses, but they
do not distress themselves because of this fact, for had they Grecian or
Roman noses the frost would easily catch hold of their nasal happen.
dages, and probably nip them off altogether. If the libelled Muscovite
ladies could only have their way, that Turk of a man would be mixed
up in a snowball, and rolled very slowly towards Siberia.

A SPANISH bandit, charged with a countless number of murders,
was found covered with sacred relics, crucifixes, and images of the
Virgin when taken. This gentleman's piety was so great that he made
it a rule never to cut a throat on a Friday, or shoot a prisoner whose
relatives failed to stump up ransom-money, without saying a prayer
before doing so.


A KICK.
Mr. Gasley Bore (always anxious to impress that he is in'Sassiety).
-"The man said his Lordship wasn't at home, but I brushed past
him and forced my way intolthe Library, and-"
Miss Cicely.-" Oh, dear I I'm so sorry-er-take this:cushion to
sit upon; you'll find it easier I" But he never saw the point.


SPORTING NOTE.
(BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT.)


"MAIDEN HUNTERS."

A Birthday Ballad.
[MR. GLADSTONE reached his seventy-seventh birthday on Dec. 29th.]
You lately have reached your three-score seventeen,
And still you are hale, G.O.M.,
We trust that your health will long keep all serene,
Although you Time's current can't stem.
Half a century odd for the State have you worked,
And in spite of what enemies say,
Although you've had faults, you your duties ne'er shirked,
And therefore we gleefully say,
G.O.M.,
"Many happy returns of the day."
The youngster whom Salisbury petted and feared,
Has lately resigned in a huff,
And the Tories are groaning neathh trouble and tears,
Causing people to cry "Quantum Suff."
'Tis time that some MAN of more nous and more nerve,
Unmoved by the Weathercock's play,
Were again at the helm-so once more we observe
In this more or less rhythmical lay,
G.O.M.,
"Many happy returns of the day."
On occasions FUN hasn't quite followed your lead,
In your Home Rule proposals, to wit,
But in other respects all your tenets he'll heed,
For you have the true British grit.
You still are at work, but just now you're engaged
On mere bookish pursuits, so men say,
But now when political war's to be waged
We hope you'll keep strong for the fray,
G.O.M.,
So, here's "many returns of the day."

A MOTHER tucked her baby into bed recently after tucking a "quid'
into its mouth, and the tiny kid, who sucked the quid, neathh turf lies
hid.










8 XITTJN JANUARY 5, 1887.

AN ALL L-ROUND NUISANCE. two feet deep, or some other place of safety for a British ironclad." But
THE LIGHTHOUSEMAN'S STORY. as she was too heavy to move, I stood by her until morning, when, as it
THE LIGHTHOUSEMAN'S STORY. had fallen a dead calm, I left her.
THERE was just a little pleasant bit o' air about-just a little orphan
breeze, as we say-an' no more sea nor what our dinghey might cross
theAtlantic in; THE SHRIMPER'S STORY.
and me and my IT was a lovely morning, without a sigh o' wind, and the sea like
two mates had glass, when, just as I was a-takin' off my boots for to wade in, I 'ears
made things a shout o' distress, and wen I looks up I sees a big ironclad, H.M.S.
Ssnug, and Joe Bloater, a-labourin' in the trough o' the sea-though where it got its
S t he'd gone an' trough from, seeing as there wasn't nary a ripple, blest if I can tell.
Turned in for his "I am very sorry to trouble you," said the cap'n; "but really we
pitch, an' the British ironclads are so dependent on the charity of those who come
i- light might ha' along. Would you mind wading out and just catching hold of her hull
p" b:li' nl bin lighted to steady her a bit; she rolls so awfully in this-ahem 1-heavy sea that
S about an hour, I'm afraid her guns will be pitched out and go to the bottom." So I
when we was wades out and ketches 'old, and keeps her steady till my arm was pretty
B startled sud- well tired. When do you reckon she'll be easier, so's I can let go ?"
dent-like, and ses I to the cap'n. "Well-a-I'm really very sorry, but you see she
brought up all won't be safe until this 'ere sea's got down a bit." Gorn down a bit!"
standing' by a ses I; "wy, 'ow can it go down enny more wen it's about as down as
tremendous it can be-a dead calm ?" That puzzled him; so I lets go and shears
bang agen the off, not 'avin' no more time to waste. The last I saw o' H.M.S. Bloater,
stone wall out- she was a-throwin' up rockets, and firin' minnit-guns, and burning' bloo
shook the lights, and so forth.
lights. "Ahoy !-avast there! What ship?" I sings out. Then I THE ISLE OF DOGS LOAFER'S STORY.
looks out, and I sees a big ironclad, and the commander a-lookin' over
the rail. "I'm werry sorry," says he, apologetic-like, "but blamed if I 'APPENED to be a-loafin' along the shore ov the Isle o' Dogs, inaln'
I can 'elp it I" ses he; "I can't steer the blarmed thing," ses he. "The the breezes, wen I come across a rum 'eap and mixture o' some kind or
steam steerin'-gear's gone wrong," ses he, "and there's seventy-three another. A big 'eap it was too; mostly iron and metal, with some big
hands a-hangin on to the hand-gear, but she won't answer. I've fouled guns among it, and a mast or two, and ?a lot o' flat iron armour plates,
Ramsgate Pier, and the Isle o' Wight, and the dome o' St. Paul's, and and some busted bilers, and that. Then I 'ears a voice a-coming from
Stonehenge," ses he ; "and I can't keep her straight in this 'ere sea," the midst of it, and a-sayin'-" Ahoy there I Help In the Queen's
he ses. "Sea?" ses I; Why there ain't sea enough for to sink a hegg- name! Come alongside" "What'shup?"sesI. "Wy, this ere's wot's
shell." But at that moment the ironclad she gives a hextra lurch agin left of Her Majesty's ironclad Bloater," sea he. "And I'm the captain;
the walls, and down comes the lights, lantern and all. Me and my and I'm awfully regretful for to trouble you, but you see we really are
mates 'ad just time to scramble up by the chains. It was H.M.S Bloater, so dependent on the charity of passers-by. We're a complete wreck,
of the Channel Fleet-one o' the finest of our British ironclads. owing to the awful weather of the last three days." "Awful weather ?"
"Wonder where we shall drift to now," ses the commander. All the ses I. Garn, mister I Wy, it's bin a dead calm, or nex brother to
other ships o' the Channel Squadron's a-drifin' jest the same," ses he, it." "Ah i that's wot you folks may call it as is safe in town, or in a
"'cos all their steering' gear 'as gone wrong-leastways, exception' those ornary vessel; but dead calms is storms for British ironclads, and the
whose rudderses wasn't dropped orf." ripples on a water-butt is billers mountings 'igh But I wanted to ast
you if you'd mind a-goin' and astin' Her Majesty, and the Guv'ment,
and the Lords of the Admiralty to step down 'ere, 'cos I can't leave
THE CANOER'S STORY. charge o' my wessel until they come down and relieve me, and see 'ow
I WAS about seven hours out in my little steam canoe, half a ton, on things is. You see, the Bloater she rolled so, and she pitched so, that
my attempt to cross the Atlantic; and, there being just a pleasant ripple, she shifted all her guns and her armour-plating: and somehow the
she was bowling along splendidly, when I sighted a first-class ironclad engines (as was disabled) got into the funnel; and the rudder (as had
labouring heavily, and evidently in distress. She was flying her flag gorn wrong) got up to the masthead, and was always a-fallin' down on
reversed when I hove in sight, so I hurried to her. It was H.M.S. to the 'ands on deck ; and the water-tight compartments (as was leaky)
Bloater, Channel Squadron. "I'm so sorry to trouble you," said the got into the condensers, and the condensers got into the donkey-pump;
captain, "but, you see, our coal bunkers have dropped off and gone to and all the torpedoes blowed up, and the powder-magazine got into the
the bottom; and could you oblige us with a lump of coal-just a little furnaces, and- But at this pint the Bloater, altho' on dry ground,
bit, the size of a nutmeg, would do. I'm so sorry; but, you see, Her fell a-pitchin' and a-rollin' so, that the cap'n he turned pale, and went
Majesty's ironclads are so dependent on the charity of the passers-by." below for a nip.
Well, I handed up a bit of coal, and went away again on my course; (But for the further adventures of Her Majesty's Channel Fleet in a
but I hadn't got half a knot off when H.M.S. Bloater signalled me gale, see the news paers.)
again. Could you oblige us with a drink of water," said the captain
-"just a teacupful-as our condensers have gone wrong owing to the
heavy sea." "Which heavy sea?" I asked. The poor captain bit his
thumb, and Stormy.
said, "I mean SOME Tory papers in a flurry,
to say the heavy Describe Lord Randolph resigned,
sea for one of As "the Young Man in a Hurry,"
H. M's Iron- And to him they are not kind.
clads." So, But seeing that with violence vital,
having handed Tories storm and rage in vain;
up a glass This is a more fitting title,
of water, I "The Young Man in a Hurry "-cane !
steamed on
again.
The third A NEW way to get shod for nothing was put into practice the other
time she signal- day in the West End. A man of somewhat aristocratic appearance
led me. "Very entered a bootmaker's shop and asked to be fitted with the very best
sorry," said the ". b patent-leathers kept in the establishment. He was instantly cased in a
captain, "but pair of regular shiners, which he gazed at with infinite complacency,
our boilers have declaring them to be the sublime effort or an accomplished artist. His
burst, and our hat lay on the counter. A man, doubtless a confederate, rushed in,
engines have seized it and ran off. The bootmaker's assistant, thunderstruck at the
gone wrong, daring theft, called to the "customer" to pursue the robber-he did so,
and our screw- and very smartly too, laughing merrily. He left behind him a shock-
shaft is broken in nine places; so I should take it as a favour if you ing bad" pair of shoes, for which he has not sent as yet and the boot-
would tow us a few knots until we come to a placid lake, not more than maker has made bootless efforts to find his address hitherto.








JANUARY 5, 1887. PUN. 9


OUR THEATRICAL ROUNDABOUT.
YE gentlemen of affluence, who live at home at ease,
And ponder on the theatres, attention, if you please.
We've been to all (we had to do a dozen at a time),
And what we've seen, we've iotted down, and beaten into rhyme.
You'll notice there is plenty of variety about,
And anyone who has a taste, can fit it we've no doubt;
We've heaps of the ridiculous, and loads of the sublime,
In Tragedy and Comedy and Farce and Pantomime.
(As Pantomime is monarch at this season of the year,
We mean to be essentially respectful to him here.
Our Pas will place before him all their boys and girls, with "ma,"
So, just to make the thing complete, we're giving him the as.)
Well, first of all, at Drury Lane, The Forty Thieves is found
("Is found," seems ungrammatical, but isn't, we'll be bound),
And what with this, and what with that, its beauties are so great,
We can't describe the lot of them, so go and see them straight.
Your Nicholls, and your Campbell, and your Edith Bruce are there;
Your D'Aubans, your rEnea (who goes flying through the air),
Your Dot and Minnie Mario (whom largely you'll admire),
Your Constance Gilchrist also-and what more do you require ?
At Sanger's, Cinderella tells her story once again
In a style that's "tuppence coloured," if it isn't "penny plain."
At the Avenue, A. Roberts is as comical as he
Is always, as R. Crusoe on his island o'er the sea.
The Elephant and Castle has the people all in flocks,
In pit and stall and circle, on account of 7ack in Box.
The people of the Grand displayed a cock-of-walkish" touch,
For ev'ry one who saw. the panto. Crusoe very much.
Another Cinderella at the Marylebone is shown,
With every concomitant of pantomimic tone;
And further, the Pavilion, in this pantomimic game,
Obligingly presents us with "another of the same."
About the celebrated Jack, who, as the story tells,
Ascended into Beanstalk-land, they tell us at the Wells;"
And the Surrey (such a nursery for artists, we may say)
Presents us with the'legend in its own peculiar'way.
At the Standard, energetic home of pantaloon and clown,
They show the only version of Aladdin in the town;
For gorgeousness and humour, we would have you understand,
It hasn't a superior, we think,,on any hand.
And lastly, the Britannia (though it's very far from least)-
No legend of the nursery, of fish, bird, man, or beast
Supplies its yearly pantomime, for, better plan than that,
They're always quite original-this time The Goblin Bat.
Then they who seek a lightsome entertainment to support
Will hie to The Schoolmistress, who's established at the Court-
Or the fun of Monte Cristo at the Gaiety will probe,
Or make for The Pickpocket at the merry-hearted Globe.
At Toole's they'll find The Butler ever ready for their call,
The St. James's with The Hobby Horse they'll hardly know at all,
The Student at the Comedy a number will enjoy,
And others The Mikado in its home at the Savoy.
With Garrick (the Criterion), and the Royalty, Turned Up,
A Night Offat the 0. Comique-on laughter you may sup I
Mr. Terry, his Churchwarden will have 'baccas not a few,
And to Dorothy and Alice (at the Prince) give honour due.
Covent Garden has a circus into which a many flock
(Of animals and people they've a large and clever stock).
Dresdina and The Seasons are Alhambra ballets both,
(And I'm sure to go and see them you will all be far from loth).
But such as the more serious dramatic fare affect,
Will find they have been catered for in every respect.
There's Faust at:the Lyceum, though the solemnest will own,
It has a touch of seasonably pantomimic tone.
Harbour Lights at the Adelphi, and The Noble Vagabond,
Jim the Penman-all are "thrillers" unto which you will respond.
Sophia at the Vaudeville-The Schoolfor Scandal (Strand)
Complete the whole dramatic pack-so go and take a hand.


NEW LEAVES.
THERE are always a few Christmas Annuals "standing over to the
new year, awaiting to be patted on the head or slapped on the back.
The pat of praise is just what we wish to give the Drury Lane Annual "
(issued by Mr. Harris), for the cleverness of its contents are a credit to
all concerned in its production.-The Programme of the Drury Lane
Pantomime" also demands commendation for its delicately drawn illus-
trations, and as a programme to preserve.-" Once on a Time," is the
Christmas Annual of the Western Figaro. It contains the usual admix-
ture of amusing and entertaining literature and art, and a very excellent
mixture it is to take.
The first number of Scribner's Magazine is to hand, and a splendid
show it makes to begin with. It would be difficult to surpass the fine
features of the American Mags. we are so familiar with; and if Scribner's
does not accomplish this, it goes as near doing so as a plentiful provision
in quantity and quality, of all that is superior in poetry, prose, and
pictures can go, and implants the idea that if thus good begins, better
remains behind.
Of The Antiquary and Book Lore we have frequently had occasion to
speak highly, for, although they appeal mostly to bookish people, there
is much to interest the less learnedly disposed.- The Leisure Hour, The
Sunday at Home, The Boy's Own Paper, and The Girl's Own Paper all
preserve the peculiar characteristics which obtain them their well-deserved
preference.
We gladly comply with Lady Burton's request to make known that
Her Majesty the Queen has been graciously pleased to accept the first
copy of Lady Burton's edition ofthe "Arabian Nights."-" My Strange
Wife," by Percy Russell (London Literary Society). "My Strange
Wife" is a strange and exciting story, in the telling of which the author
is singularly skilful, though a rather melancholy interest is maintained
throughout, and ended with a sad and regrettable catastrophy.


CERTAIN fashionable doctors, who are unavoidably absent from the
metropolis, are likely to sustain a severe loss-their town patients are
all recovering.


COST PRICE.
Miss Splankelly.-" He has only six hundred a-year; and Mamma
thinks-"
Miss Slicester.-" Naturally, that you ought not to go for less than
six hundred and twenty, having been in business herself, and there-
fore knowing."


g To CoRRasroNDENTS.-The Editor do not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or faylor Contributions. In no case will they b retunued sunleu
accompanid by a stared and directed emvelope.











O N 70 i


14


C.B~uys ott-c


BAGGS'S BARGAIN.-A TALE OF A TIE.


In Difficulties.
(SEE CARTOON.)
WHEN you're skating about,
Here and there, in and out,
With a feeling of doubt,
You can't very well afford
To dispense with the aid
Of a skilful young blade
Which some confidence made;
It's slippery ice, my lord.


When he's taken his hook,
Since your will he won't brook,
Then by hook or by crook
You seek of your own accord
Some assistance to get
From a different set
Of performers-and yet
It's slippery ice, my lord.
For the ice it is thin,
And perhaps you'll fall in


When again you begin
Cutting figures with hope restored;
So, however you dare,
You had best have a care
While you're floundering there,
It's slippery ice, my lord.

THE G.O.M. had a carpet sent him as
birthday present, with a fervent wish that I
would dance a Highland fling on it.


Cadbury's
GUARANTEED I
PURE AND
SOLUBLE, Cocoa
BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.

London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, HighStreet, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at x53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 5th, x887.


P"j


e ho --" o e, n

P o/em


"!1 h








FTUSN.


FUN'8 THEATRICAL "PAGES."


HE pT
CAPT'I(t1


No. 37.-" Sow I SHOW &HOW I"


g-- VOL. XLV.-NO. 1131.











12 FTT 1 JANUARY 12, 1887.


SLASHES


AND PUFFS.
HE GAIETY-Want of space last
week compelled me to hold over
all my notes on the pantomimes,
and squeezed out of my notice of
Monte Cristo, fr,-which is, up to
now, an enormous success, by-the-
way, and the biggest money draw
on (Gaiety) record-all reference
to Miss Fay Templeton. This
lady, who comes to us with the
reputation of being the "Nelly
Farren of America," may be all her
Compatriots paint her (there seems
a merry twinkle in her eye, though
something of self-fancy in the turn
of her lip) but she hasn't much
opportunity to prove it on this
occasion. __


r DRURY LANE.-Mr. Augustus
Harris's pantomime for this season
.-- --The Forty Thieves-on its first
production, possessed only the
THE GAIETY.-A FAY LURE, BUT ANY- amiable fault of giving us far
THING BUT A FAILURE. too much for our money, and
this having since been remedied,
it stands to reason that it is now faultless. As a matter of taste,
I think I should prefer a little more fun, and a little less spectacle, but
Mr. Harris has pretty fairly tested the question as to what the
general public require, and may be pretty safely left alone to supply the
correct article. As a spectacle the show cannot be very well surpassed-
except by the monarch of Drury Lane himself; not only is it brilliant
and magnificent, but over all its lavish luxury delicate artistic taste
holds firm sway. I doubt even if Mr. Harris can produce anything more
beautiful of its kind than the procession in the cave; his only resource is
to do something more expensive.

IT is not to be supposed, however, that fun is entirely absent. I think
there is rather a waste of talent in the pantomime, a number of prominent
favourites playing parts which would be quite as effective in the
hands of obscure unknowns; but as long as Mr. Harry Nicholls, Mr.
Herbert Campbell, and Miss M. A. Victor are in the cast, we are sure
of something comical at any rate, which mellows as time goes on, and
we have Miss Edith Bruce in addition this year, whose Ganem is just
the right sort of larky harem-scarem kind of hero for a pantomime. Both
Mr. Lauri's Donkey and Mr. Martinetti's Monkey are clever and funny,
but there is too much of both. __

Miss CONSTANCE GILCHRIST suffers from lack of work somewhat,
and plays in rather spiritless fashion-of course her dancing is all there."
Mesdames Emma D'Auban, Minnie Mario (who had chalked her face so
much that she looked like one of those dreadful clay models you see in
milliners' windows), Dot Mario (a picture of bottled-up sprightliness),
Marie Williams, Violet Russell, and Minnie Inch, assisted by Victor


COVENT GARIKN-AN NAUCKE-WARD CHAP TO OFFEND I
Stevens as a very funny A. Sloper, shed the glory of their persons on
the parts of the forty. Mr. Harris presented his patrons with a reprint


-I


-----i__7_. ._~__ .__._ __. ...~~ ._~~..~. .~..... ~- ..~.-~


I


of the Drury Bill for Dec. 26th, 1786, wherein one Mrs. Brereton is
down for Maria in George Barncell. Can the queenly statuesque lady
who figures as Abdallah this year possibly be the same, I wonder?

COVENT GARDEN.-The circus here is better than ever You don't
believe it ? Well, you go and see. A nunlber of the old favourites "
have been "retained on the premises," and a large draught of new-
comers have been imported, and
there's not an inferior act" in the
whole show. The "sensation" of
the programme is an enormous in-
dividual, the Great Naucke-and
" great" is no misnomer for once-
who "nauckes 'em" with some
clever muscular feats with heavy i
weights. It is impossible in the
space at my command to enumerate
all the good things, but "Jennie
O'Brien' repeats the two clever and
graceful acts she gave us last year,
Mlle. Rosita de la Plata appears in
a bold and brilliant "jockey act," if
there is a good honest porker"
who does some comical and athletic
tricks, and duly claims reward of
sweets after each feat, Miles.
Amalia and Louise Renz contribute
some high-class gymnastics on
horseback (somersaults and falls -
among them), Mr. George Palmer,
some clever conjuring tricks, Mlle. STANDARD.-A LITTLE LAMPsTUOUS
Alcide Capitaine, some remarkably LAD.
graceful aerial gymnastics, Mlle.
Jenny and Signor Ciniselli some haute Scole exercises, while three clever
elephants, and a troupe of joyous dogs and monkeys vie with the
humans in cleverness and comicality. The Clowns are good.

THE CRYSTAL PALACE, THE SURREY, THE STANDARD, THE
GRAND, SADLER'S WELLS, &c.-With regard to the real pantomimes
-such as are found at the above theatres-the dailies (thank goodness!)
have long ago taken the wind out of my sails in the descriptive line, and
it only remains for me to make a few odious comparisons and notes.

THE Crystal Palace pantomime, Red Riding Hood, was a sort of dress
rehearsal when I saw it, and not ready for, though undoubtedly open to,
criticism. Songs were imperfectly known, the "rub-a-dub" finale to
Scene IV. being very feeble. Once the stage was kept waiting for some-
body who was wanted so badly, that he had to be much shouted for be-
hind the scenes; and Steadman's choir had to be exhorted to sing up by
the part-writer and producer, and whole conductor of the pantomime,
Mr. O. Barrett. But I don't suppose this goes on at every performance,
and the panto, looked as if it meant to be funny "later on." The
scenery is certainly very good and pretty-the Elfin Ferry by Moonlight
and the transformation exceptionally so, and there is a charmingly-
dressed ballet of Primroses and Violets.

JUST the very best and sprightliest pantomime hero I've seen this
season is that pocket actress, Miss Kate James, who is playing Aladdin
at the Standard. She just bubbles over with fun and seeming enjoy-
ment, and is quite exhilarating to look at. Miss Dettmar, at Sadler's
Wells, is good, and Miss Bruce, at Drury Lane, runs her hard ; but Miss
James takes the cake,"-at least, she's taken me, which is really much
the same thing, I hear. Mr. Allnutt has a funny dance, and Mr. Cyrus
Bell an excruciatingly comical scene with an astounding musical instru-
ment. Apart from the Crystal Palace, which "romps in" for "mount-
ing," I think the Sadler's is best put on (there seems some horsiness
here, which I'm sure I never intended !), though the Grand comes well up
(Sadler's Well up, if you like). The Surrey is good, especially in the
male element (oh I how most of the girls do scream when they ''sing );
but it is not the Surrey of old by any means.

THERE'S a real good Friday at the Grand (Mr. J. M. Jones). A really
first-rate acrobat (Mr. Revene) at the Standard. The Marylebone Cin-
derella is nice. The prettiest columbine (Miss Phillips) is to be found at
the Palace. The lady who drops most h's is at the Grand, and, as a
general principle, there is about ten times as much Ally Sloper "in the
pantomime world this season as anything else. By.the-way, the F.O.M.'s
representative at the Grand has killed me with the roaring shout with
which he sang his songs. So no more at present from NESTOR.
P.S.-The Moore and Burgess Minstrels, with their Xmas and New
Year's programme, The World's Fair, and the Victoria Coffee Palace,
are all very-fine (no, you don't-not "and large ") in various, varying,
and "variety" ways.








JANUARY 12, 1887. FU N 13














LI tin / /[ b
aO r
(3) ,J )
-4h 'Jh 1 set ir quarfer ot3cv hour














24Olt -ke I'l .nn
Q A, r,;n..w~e ce e ~n have royerup.e

Aecame afi a ande more uare 1%,
THAT 1R6 OF H Qrr."



!,3,

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Liisi,~ i, ..-it X i nd 52artthred, dirb not' seem
-And A& 5!eprfe"'A;i CL nck'ed tj leave oeP!
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hav not
r a, erCr cc
h a I. ac~m p h u, a a 7va fIe; 1\iH ly Amsard l A ,0,or.

,THAT ALARUM OF HOOKWINCH'S.


THE WINTER CARPET.
SNOW Merrily, merrily over the snow I Oh, yes, and very plea-
sant it is too. I suppose you like lying awake in bed listening to the
water coming through the ceiling. Very nice weather for turncocks
and watermen, and the unemployed to pick up jobs, but what else for
I don't know. I wanted a cab the other night to go from the Strand to
Netting Hill. I'll do it for half a quid, guv'nor." That's what the
wretch said. Nice weather, indeed, when that sort of thing's going on.
Then every one's children want to be taken to pantomimes, and circuses,
and such nonsense. I wonder who can see anything in a pantomime, I
should like to know. Pantomimes wire pantomimes in my time, and
were worth laughing at. Where's there a clown now like Henry Boleno
was, I should like to know? Bah I they don't even know how to steal
a sausage properly. There isn't anyone fit to do the business properly;
they're obliged to fall back on Ally Sloper for a new character. And
what pantomime actresses have we got, I should like to know too?
Where's there one like Lydia Thompson? Where's there singing and
dancing like there was at the Lyceum, in Cristabello, or the Rose without
a Thorn? That's when Madame Celeste had it. And dooced good
business it was too, though they didn't go in for your high-class dramas
that every one's making such a confounded cackle about.
But am I going to any of the theatres ? Not I, you may be sure. I'm
not going to pay double fares for cabs, and I'm not going to sit in a
shivering, damp omnibus, with my feet thrust in wet straw, and my eyes
nearly poked out with women coming in with their umbrellas stuck
before them. I could go home in the Metropolitan. I daresay I could,


only I'm not an infernal mole spending his time burrowing underground.
I might walk. Yes you catch me walking through the snow, when the
streets are crowded with unemployed, ready to go for my watch. But
I can enjoy sitting over the fire. Yes, to make myself thoroughly com-
fortable, and then to have to go out shivering in the draughts. Whoever
the idiot was who first said that snow was picturesque deserved to have
been made to run a race over it in his night-shirt. No sensible and sane
person can possibly like the snow. It sweetens the earth, does it?
Well, as I don't happen to be a market gardener, I don't think that
matters verymuch to me. The fact is, all the hullabulloo about season-
able weather is sickening. Bah I say. Bah I DIOGENES TUUBS.

A Jubilee Note.
AMONG the many propositions made concerning the commemoration
of the Queen's Jubilee, one of the most sensible, not to say the most
noble FUN has seen, comes from the National Harbours Refuge Society,
17 Parliament Street. This proposition is that more places of safety
should be provided for seamen in times of storm and danger. Seven
hundred poor fellows perished from shipwreck during the recent gales,
and mostly left behind them families now reduced to the direst distress.
While so much has been done for the Lifeboat Heroes' Fund, surely
these should not be neglected. A gigantic petition in favour of the
above cause is being prepared. Petition forms for seamen and lands-
men, and women may be had from Mr. F. Johnson, Founder, at the
above address. When writing for these you are requested to state if for
seamen or landsmen.







A NARROW ESCAPE.
several vestry clerks have stated that, although they have offered employment to all who would assist to clear the snow, they have been unable to obtain men for
the purpose.]










-5mC- C --- l-




SBill an' me beinn' a couple o' unfortnet working' men as is will' to work, but can't get work to do), was a-lookin' for himployment at the regler corner outside the
'Unimployed's A*ns,' and a-remarkin as Guv'ment ought to pervide work for bus, an it was a shame an' a scandle as they didn't."

TWO TOUSN D
H uADs WAITED
U CLEAR AWAY
STHE 84NOW.



*--









"Wen we suddenly observed as a feller 'ad paisled hup a poster about employment. It giv u sich a turr. Bill'ee turned wite as a 'ankercher. We red that poster
with beating' 'arts. It's all right,' ses Bill, fetchin' a deep sy o' releef-(we was pretty used to releef)-' it ain't a Guv'ment orfer o' work; it's ony a westry 'un.'"
















' We'd ad a narrer escape that time; but we hth of us ad a oneasy leelin' that another feller might come along enny minnit an' post hup a poster horferin' Guv'ment
work. 'Lookee 'ere,'ses 1. 'Let's git in,'ses I, 'afore it do happen. And in we scuttles: and we hainm t looked out o' winder from hen to now."







IIFTTN-.-JANUARY 12, 1887.


"THE SITUATION."
.oie (out of Place).-- HALLO, GOSCHEY, WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT OF SEEING YOU IN THE SALISBURY LIVERY?"
Goscren..-"WELL, JOE, THE WAGES IS GOOD, AND THE WITTLES IS GOOD, AND WE MUSTN'T BE TOO
PARTICKLER."
: ] I









16 I 3UN. JANUARY 12, 1887.


A FATAL OMISSION.
THERE'S no doubt that the "Plan of Campaign we went in for in
our neighbourhood was mismanaged at first. It was a capital idea, and
really deserved
to succeed ; and
., it was so tho-
roughly logical
too.
It originated
withTwistiways
the solicitor.
Twistiways had
been struck off
the rolls. Said
Twistiways to
his friend
Bluggy the Bur-
glar (who had
once been a so-
licitor too),
"Look here,
why shouldn't
we have a Plan
of Campaign
too? There's no doubt the fellows in the Irish one will come very well
out of it, and make a good thing of it; at any rate they won't get it
veryhot from the law. So look here-why shouldn't all the parties
who owe anything in this neighbourhood pay it to you and me instead
ofthe parties they owe it to?" "Right," said Bluggy.
So they drew up a circular inviting all those who owed anything to
the butcher, or the baker, or anybody else, to pay the amount less ten
per cent. to Messrs. Twistiways and Bluggy. The reasons why the
creditors ought not to have it were set forth; the butcher, for instance,
bad probably cheated in the weight, and quality, and cooked the bills,
and so on. Then Bluggy called round with the circular and his best
revolver, and pressed the invitation on the parties.
Well, the payments began to pour into the offices of Bluggy and Co.,
and they had taken some few hundreds, when the police suddenly burst
in and seized the blotting pad and pen tray (the money having been
carefully hidden). .
"What do you mean," said the Law, "by compelling people with
threats to pay you what they owe to another? What do you mean by
conspiring to injure, and defraud, and cheat, and cause loss, damage,
and ilnjury to-eh? I'll tell you what, you'll just go to penal servitude
for twenty years with hard."
And sure enough Twistiways and Bluggy were just being marched off
to the cells, when says Twistiways to Bluggy':-"Very odd and un-
accountable, isn't it? Is it possible they can't know-haven't they
read our circular-- ?" "Read what?" says Bluggy. "Why, that
this affair of ours is done on political grounds ?" Why, we forgot to
have it put in the circular," says Bluggy; "you'd better tell 'em.
Wat a bit, Mr. Law," says Twistiways; "this is a political offence,
d'ye see ?" Eh ? says the Law-" Oh !" says the Law-" Well,"
says the Law; "that might certainly make a difference. But on what
pretext do you make it out to be a political offence?" "Well," says
rwistiways; "why-er-that is-oh, well-why-it touches on Lord
Randolph Churchill, d'ye see? It's in consequence of-don't you see,
Lord Randolph Churchill said people ought not to pay the coal and
wine dues-d'ye see? "
The Law didn't see; but it was taken off its feet and confused, which
always amounts to the same thing; and Twistiways and Bluggy are out
on their own recognizances. They are to be tried next week before a
jury of solicitors struck off the rolls, and burglars. All the jurors, by
the way, have an interest in that Plan of Campaign.
The case of the defendants is not considered hopeless.


Political Conversation.
WHAT was the difference between Lord Randolph Churchill and
Lord Salisbury ?
Give it up."
"About public expenditure, of course, stupid.'
"Oh !"
"Do you know of any other difference between them ?"
Give it up again.
"Why, Lord Randolph was the Chancellor of the Exchequer, whilst
Lord Salisbury is the ex-checker of the Chancellor."
"Ugh I Good morning."

ONLY fourteen American senators now chew tobacco, therefore it is
proposed that the wages of the aged officials who sweep out the senate
be reduced two dollars per week.


TURF CUTTINGS.
(TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN.")
SIR,-Being now a millionaire, I couldn't be expected to winter in
you're beastly England (or even in your beastly Scotland, if it comes to
that)-not me In point of fact, I am at Nice, just as I was last year,
but under very different conditions. You see, the weather is generally
pretty mild here, and the place is within Nice-y reach. See? Well,
of course I am not writing to you for the mere pleasure of the thing,*
but because we have some racing here-pretty good racing, too-and
I've written the following
TIP FOR THE GRAND PRIX DE MONACO.
ALLONG, my infants; dong ler know
Zher swee-der lar Pree-der Mon-ar-co,
Ay mwaw I'll give you, as you'll see,
Ler ploo drwaw tip that well can bee-
Tra-la, tra-la, lal-liey, la-la,
Tra-liey, tra-liey, la-lay,
Hohe
Zhay oone pongshong der Statuette-
Purr sang-oone beeang-pongshong, you bet,
May, poor ler Kongt der Nicholay,
Ler Golden "Brown" may win ler day-
Tra-la, tra-la, lal-liey, la-la, &c.
Gone ploo bell chance ah Betti-na,
May tong-Patachon-oone May-yoore ah,
SAy toot ler shiners you may gain
See voo but back set Anglomane-
Tra-la, tra-la, lal-liey, la-la, &c.
Mays, if you like to boldly try
Azur-" Kellbon-oore I"-you're sure to cry,
Oo Albuquerque, perhaps, will pay,
Oo, may-yoore still, Boulvardier-
Tra-la, tra-la, lal-liey, la-la, &c.
Sayt mannyfeek, sayt bong-tray bong !
Ler chance-(veeve, lar France l)-der Vertion,
May mwaw, zher swee on sucksay bent
Aveck ler smart, ploo veet, Ardente-
Tra-la, tra-la, lal-liey, la-la, &c.
There you are, Sir, and no more for the present. I shall next com-
municate with you in the matter of the Waterloo dogs; till then fare-
well. Yours ever, etcetera,


Neece, ler trwaziaim of january, 'caltr-angt-set.
Thank you, Old Man.-[ED.]


TROPHONIUS.


From the Gladstonian Camp.
WHY is the new Chancellor of the Exchequer likely to make a
muddle of his business ?-Because he's a gauite-'un.


WITHERING.
The Lady.-"Don't tell me, Jones; don't tell me you were alone.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Ugh You're no better than
Lord -- That you ain't."


_ ~








JANUARY 12, s887. FUE'T 17


The Situation.
(SEE CARTOON.)
JOSEPH and George in former days,
Were both in service, and did blaze
In livery, performing neatly
Their duties, ably and discreetly;
But somehow each fell in disgrace,
And consequently lost his place,
Which bother'd him completely.
Thus both had got no work to do,
A fact which they did sadly rue;
But George-though Joseph was the faster
In most things-first got a new master,
In quite a different part of town
From where he had been settled down
Before his late disaster.
Whether of George's luck poor Joe
Is envious, I do not know;
But when he asks for information,
George gives a well-pleased explanation-
Though I'd not be surprised to hear
That he is feeling rather queer
In his new situation.

Belinda B.
BELINDA B., whose gentle face
A potent charm doth wield,
And who for winning maiden-grace
To none the palm need'st yield;
Although I ne'er have breathed my love,
Thy woman's wit can tell
I hold thee other girls above,
And like thee passing well.
Indeed, methinks I see thee now;
Thy figure neat and trim,
The curls that cluster o'er thy brow,
Thy hands so white and slim,
Those lips that seem of coral made,
Those orbs of liquid blue,
That dimpling chin, are all displayed
To my enraptured view.
To picture thee in waking dreams
'Tis sometimes my delight;
To fancy's eye thine image gleams
Angelically bright :
But oh my life it nigh enthrals
And gives me little rest,
For far too frequently it calls
As an unbidden guest.
At morn it ever comes full soon,
About my mind to lurk;
It seeks me in the afternoon,
And interrupts my work;
Before my vision still at eve
Its presence it doth keep;
Nor e'en by midnight will it leave,
But haunts me in my sleep.
Persistence, though, grows tedious;
So, sweet Belinda B.,
Restrain thine image, pray, from thus
Intruding upon me;
From uninvited visits I
Would rather be exempt,
Or-such familiarity
Perhaps may breed contempt!

A FESTIVE Johnnie hired a cab the other
night, and on arriving at his destination refused
to pay up. After some argument he offered to
fight the driver for the money due. On the
cabman declining this generous proposition, he
struck him violently on the nose, saying, face-
tiously, "None but the brave deserve the
fare." A magistrate opined that the festive
Johnnie deserved prison fare, and sent him up
for fourteen days.


THOSE AWFUL GLOVES.
Professor Greisbach.-" So YOU DECLINES TO TANZE MID ME, MEES MILDRED. ACH !
I GUESS ZE REASONS VY. HIMMEL I KNOW I SHOULD MAKE APOLOGISE. I AM
VUN GREAT ZMOKER, AND YOU LOAFE NOT ZE AROMA OF TABAC."
Miss Mildred.-" ON THE CONTRARY, PROFESSOR, I LIKE THE SMELL OF SMOKE.
'ONLY MANLY SCENT,' YOU KNOW, AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING. DO A CIGARETTE
MYSELF OFTEN."
Professor G.-" THEN VY YOU NOT TANZE MID MF, MEES MILDRED?"
Miss M. (with a sweet, sad glance at the Professor's Cleaned Gloves).-" WELL-ER-
PARDON ME, PROFESSOR; BUT I CANNOT SUBMIT TO BEING BENZINED FOR THE REST
OF THE EVENING."

Travelling I
M. ESTRADE has constructed a locomotive engine which is designed to run at the average
speed of 78 miles an hour. He has christened the machine La Parisienne, an appropriate cog-
nomen most decidedly typical of extreme fastness. One of the most rapid railroad spins on
record was made, we believe, by William Vanderbilt on the New York Central, eighty-one miles
being covered in sixty-one minutes. Vandy's life was heavily insured before he took that spurt.


J_________\----------------








I FUN.


JANUARY 12, 1887.


I


18


_ C_


_~~ ~
_ I_


KNICKNACKS.
A ZEALOUS detective suspecting that an itinerant vendor of laces,
braces, etc., was hawking his goods ,without a license, purchased a pair
of suspenders from the man for a
shilling, and then asked him to
Show his license. To the detec-
S tive's great surprise, the necessary
document was produced, and the
braces being no longer any use, he
offered toresell them forninepence.
The ready-witted dealer made the
purchase in the presence of two or
three witnesses, who had gathered
round; and then trotted off to the
nearest police-court, and asked for
S a summons against the officer, for
hawking without a license. That
S detective now wanders about like
a croupy fowl.
PRESIDENT CLEVELAND is un-
dergoing the "movement cure"
for corpulency. The-treatment is
simple. It consists in the patient
-- _- standing on his head three times
a day, turning "flip-flaps" when-
-_ ever he has an opportunity, balan-
cing himself on an office stool and
going through swimming motions,
vaulting over the walls of premises
where ferocious bulldogs are allowed to roam about at large, soaking
the end of the presidential nose in turpentine at intervals, sticking
blanket-pins into sleepy policemen and then trying to escape their
clutches, darting across railway lines in front of express trains, and trying
to get chased as a swell mobsman. Mrs. Cleveland is not altogether
in love with the treatment-thinks it too drastic.

THE property left by three bacchanalian brewers, and a diffusive
distiller, who have slode to other climes within the last few months,
represents about ,3,ooo,ooo. Professional Prollibitionists pretend to be
delighted at hearing this news, but as a matter of fact, they chew the
straws of their lemon-squashes with feelings of bitter envy, hatred, malice,
and all uncharitableness.

AN Indian quack doctor who calls himself a devil-extractor was asked
recently in court if he could cure love pains. He answered, "That is
a very hard pain to be cured; even my father could not always cure
that. It seldom can be eased, even when the young man is a European,
with red hair, and eyes like a boiled fish's. Perhaps the best way of
treating it is by administering strong doses of spiritusfrumenti." "You
shall treat me later on in the day, doctor," said the judge.

THE City Parochial Board of Edinburgh have instructed the governor
of the wurk-us to purchase a violin at a cost not exceeding 2, for
the use of a pauper lunatic. "We are a Merry Family" will, of course,
be a favourite air, with some light enlivening chorus added, such as-
We'll take a trip to Timbucteo,
In a fat big balloon,
And all our merry family
Williflick peas at the moon."

As a wholesale oilman, who conducts his business on most economical
principles, was taking stock the other night, he managed to slip and fall
into a hogshead containing strong train-oil. On being fished out, he
insisted on his men fixing him up to a peg over the cask and allowing
him to remain there till all the precious oil had dripped from him. The
wholesale oilman's family objected to his carving the turkey at dinner
that night, and he made many caustic remarks about squeamishness,
and dirty pride.

A LADY has come to the conclusion that a woman who aims to be
fashionable might just as well commit suicide at once, as she is certain
to become a physical wreck at the end of ten years. There's a power
of good salvage left on some of the wrecks we've had the pleasure of
meeting.

A CLERGYMAN observing a reporter in church taking notes of his
discourse, shouted from the pulpit that if the scribbler did not instantly
discontinue his note-taking, he would have him removed by an officer of
the law. Was it delicate modesty that made the cleric think his sermon
unfit for publication ?


VESTED INTERESTS.
[An appeal;signed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Mr. Gladstone, Lord Selborne,

and many other persons of distinction, has appeared in the newspapers, and urges the
desirability of some combined action by which newspaper reports of divorce cases and
criminal trials may be minimised.]
MR. SLANGER, Q.C., and MR. O'PROBRIUS, Q.C., discovered, their
breasts heaving with indignation.
MR. SLANGER, Q.C. Then thou hast heard the news?
MR. O'P RiO-
BRIUS, Q. C.
Oh, woe the d s t ba
day
That these mine
eyes did, in the
recreant co-
lumns
Of the once-
faithful press,
read of this
scheme ,
To bowdlerize
our sweet di-
vorce reports !
Where now is 2
glory hon. 2-
our? Where -
the guerdon
Of all our well-
framed wit ?
MR. SLANGER. Ask not of me
That do so writhe beneath this new bereavement !
What purpose now in all my winsome ways
Of mean and scurril cross-examination ?
With what intent have I-how many a time !-
Gripping, as t'were, with talons by the throat
The helpless witness (pure as very snow
From smirch of evil fame, knowing no whit
Of grossness, crime, or impropriety,
Or other of our cherished wares), assailed her
With baseless questions full of crafty hints
Of crimes to make a leper hug himself,
Feeling himself sweet by comparison ?
With what intent have I, cracking coarse jokes,
Aimed at, but strange as Greek to, this same witness,
And leering at my learned brothers, set
The court aroar with mirth ? With what intent?
Why, that the kindly press should chronicle
My pungent wit, my keen ability
E'en where the case seemed hopeless, my address
In casting over purity's very self
A miry cloak of shameful inuendo
Which, though just Fact shall rend it into shreds,
Shall stick and stick, and leave its filthiness
E'en where 'tii rent away. But now--but now-
When open court shall be an inquest chamber
Where all my brilliant efforts lie stretched out,
With good my lud as coroner to note
And lucidly set forth their cause of death-
What hope is left?
MR. O'PRoBRIUS. Oh, let us yield not hope.
Perchance the daily paper, knowing well
How spicy details do increase its sale,
Shall set those details forth as heretofore,
Taking great care to fill a neighboring column
With high-souled diatribes against that low,
Unworthy section of the public press
Which panders to a vitiated taste,
And deals out poison to our innocents.
MR. SLANGER. Thou giv'st me hope; indeed, it may so happen.
MR. O'PROBRIUS. And then if not, is there no pure delight-
No honest satisfaction, seeking no aid
From fame, or glory, or publicity,
That warms thy very core while thus transfixing
The helpless witness with thy poisoned spear?
Is there no thrill in whispering to thyself,
"Another fame destroyed "-" Another stigma
Adroitly fixed" ?
MR. SLANGER. Oh, that indeed there is !
The flitting spirit of each little effort
That dies in court shall hover round my head,
Caressing, soothing, lulling all my soul
Into a calmn beatitude and joy !








IFUN.


JANUARY 12, 1887.


Consolation for Conservatives.
[An evening paper asserts that "Lord Randolph Churchill has no intention to
.! i pursue a policy of rancorous hostility towards his late colleagues. After mature con-
S "'s ideration, he has decided that his true policy in the coming season will be one oi
I. ,. benevolent, but independent support."]
TAKE comfort, ye Conservatives who daily groan with grief,
Because the rampant Randolph is enraging you-
, |Lo, here's a piece of news that should afford you great relief,
And go a good long way towards assuaging you.
The assertion quoted up above is glorious-if true,
For your party, which of late shows such debility
,' Towards you, it seems Lord R. has no intention to pursue
A policy of "rancorous hostility."
Though he'll be independent (that's to say he'll often veer),
"Benevolent" support he means to offer you,
And though this means, no doubt, that at your plans he'll often sneer,
Pray accept the olive branch he fain would proffer you.
Mayhap he'll keep to no one scheme above a day or two-
(For he dearly loves to air his versatility),
SStill, 'tis comforting to know that he towards you will not pursue
A policy of rancorous hostility."
This announcement, it is thought, will tend to speedily allay
The sense of irritation that oppresses you,
SAnd surely all you Tories, now so troubled, should feel gay,
Since Randolph with this kind decision blesses you.
Then upset the vengeance-potion which you all begun to brew,
For the punishment of Randolph's incivility;
You really must forgive him, since towards you he'll not pursue
A policy of rancorous hostility."
iAnother consolation in this statement, is, of course,
p That probably this Weathercock (awhile at least),
For Liberal politicians will save up his hostile force,
Which notion ought to make you laugh-or smile, at least.
But as to that, the Liberals, quite unmoved by his ado
(Though owning Changing Churchill's sound ability),
Won't turn a hair, if c'en towards them Lord Randy should pursue
A policy of rancorous hostility "


NOT ACCORDING TO COCKER.
Mr. Bamcover.-" Married his Cook, and died of Dyspepsia."
Mr. Overclipfe.-" Oh I he always had the reputation of being
a first-rate Logician."


New Leaves.
HER Royal Highness the Princess of Wales has been graciously
pleased to accept a first copy of Lady Burton's edition of the Arabian
Nights."-" The Emigrants' Information Office have issued a circular
containing General Information for Intending Emigrants to Canada,
the Australian and South African Colonies." It ought to be very
serviceable to all those who contemplate setting their faces in such
directions.--Of "The Year Book of Photography," what better can be
said than that it is truly an epitome of the present state of photography,
a guide for the beginner, and a book of reference for the advanced
practitioner." It is all this, it is good in all, and should be of unques-
tionable value to all who use the Camera and the Lens.
Household Words contains an almost inexhaustible variety and
entertainment.-The Ladies' Gazette of Fashion and Le Follet contain
all that is desirable in the elegance of ladies' costumes, also all that is
inelegant in the absurd backward projections, which are both ridicu-
lous and ludicrous. -Judging from what we see of the New York
7.udge, we conclude there are no bad judges of what is good and clever
-on its bench. Its Christmas issue deserves a sentence of supreme
satisfaction.

On the War-Path.
AN Irish-American paper in announcing the departure of a couple of
Irish-American patriots" for Europe, delivers itself thusly: While
we are inditing this paragraph, broadsides of thunder are pealing forth
their most obstreperous notes, which rising from earth to, heaven, and
falling from heaven to earth, after rolling over the trembling spires of
our city, go rumbling and echoing among the distant hills and valleys.
This agitation of the elements speaks the embarkation of two mighty
patriots charged with the destines of the finest and most unoffensive
people in this mundane sphere, and big with the fate of Britain and
of Europe in general. The green for ever!" How's that for a weigh-
in for subscriptions from verdant servant-girls ?
I


BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED By OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BOOM. '


"MY HERALD IS RETURN'D."-Love's Labour's Lost, Act III.,
Scene I.


g To CORRSrONDnNTS.-T E Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay /or Contributions. fi no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.


_I








































































rInIii I ~I m GUARANTEED 14W
oothly s a lad e ncil, and neither scratch r PURE AND
aoaaiDED. ka no Statner O a SOLUBLE.ie
unl Box, or send 7 stamps to C. BRANDAUEION
24 BoS... ...dINIae wx, BEWARE OF IMITATIONB.
,4 KLng Edwaad Ste, London, .C.


I ondon: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, Hio Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January xzth, 1887.







JANUARY i9, t887. 21



















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THE BALL-ROOM GUIDE ILLUSTRATED.-PART I.

VOL. XLV.-NO. I132.








22 TIN JANUARY 19, 1887.


DRURY LANE.-A
TAKIN

candle is not fo
the celebration


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
RURY LANE.-If I remember
Slightly, the Baddeley bequest is a
matter of three pounds or three
pounds ten per annum, to be ex-
pended yearly on the 6th of
January upon a plum cake and
bowl of punch, to be consumed
in the green-room of Drury Lane
T Theatre, by the company for the
time being. An these terms be
correct, the old man's representa-
t ives, or such as be legally called
to do so, had better look to it, for
truly the bequest was not carried
out this year. The assembly was
not held in the green-room, the
Drury Lane company was not
present as a body, and there was
no punch -unless Mr. Linley
Sambourne can be called Punch.

-, D- THREE pounds ten, however,
does not represent Mr. Harris's
WELL-KNOWN ARTIST idea of what a "spread" should
G A DRINK. cost, and he acts accordingly.
Whether the game is worth the
r me to consider. Strange beings there be who regard
as a public show, at which they have a right to be


present, instead ot a piece of pri-
vate hospitality (which it as cer-
tainly is as the city man's "busi-
ness dinner ") ; and among these,
such as are left out are like to
become enemies-but any way,
one has "a good time,"and meets
representative cleverness in all
shapes.
FOR come there not to the feast -
Henry Chaplin, Arthur Roberts,
Dr. Quain, D'Auban the dancer,
and Sampson, the circumnaviga- !{ Ii
tor; Gorst, with spectacles on
nose; and Pettitt, with drama on Ij
his tongue; half "Richard !
Henry," all "Tommy" Burn-
side, W. S. Gilbert, Minnie
Mario, Broadley (Q.C.), Edouin,
"Spiers and Pond" Javal, Haw-
trey, Lennox Browne, T. H. Bol-
ton, Ally Sloper, Marie Williams,
Blundell-Maple, Dot Mario, and
all the other great ones? DRURY LANE.-A CHARMING ACTRESS
EATING CAKE.
HERE we observe a well-known
artist taking a drink, there we see a popular actor partaking of a jelly;

/ ii


DRURY LANE.-A FAVOURITE LADY NOVELIST AND A CELEBRATED
HUMOURIST PULLING A CRACKER.
yonder a prominent critic is discussing lobster; further on a favourite
lady-novelist is engaged in pulling one of Tom Smith's crackers with a


celebrated humourist; a rising dramatist is gnawing the leg of a chicken,
while an astute politician is sampling the maccaroons; a charming
actress is to be seen eating
aWER5H cake, and an eminent lit-
co, ON e tirateur is in a regretable
condition of mops and brooms.

S- S H are the sights to be
S7 seen and enjoyed on Baddeley
night until the time for depar-
ture-delicately hinted at by
"lights down"-arrives, and
-- you turn into the silent streets
ii and wonder how you are to
Si l reach your distant suburb at
S that time in the morning, with
the roads but skating rinks,
and your cigarettes but one.
NODS AND WINKS.-The
Albert Palace pantomime will
not exactly take the prize for
general goodness, but there is
plenty of fun in it which is in-
creased by the unusual spec.
tackle of demons, witches, etc.,
DRURY LANE.-AN EMINENT LITTIRATRUR on horseback. Jack's army is
ALL MOPS AND BROOMS. capital, and the fight with the
giant a good effective piece
of work. There's a smart harlequinade which has an odd sort of
"make believe" air in a circus.-Our Wives, a free adaptation of
Albin Valabrique's Le Bonheur Conjugal, by Mr. Ernest Warren, is to
be produced at the Royalty to-morrow with Messrs. Edouin and Lytton
Southern, and Misses Alice Atherton and Olga Brandon in the cast;
report speaks of it as very, very, funny."-" The World's Fair is going
ahead hugely at Islington.-Mr. Samuel L. Hasluck, assisted by Miss
Alice Aloof, a pupil, gave the third of his series of recitals at Steinway
Hall on Thursday last with considerable success.-Herr Winkelmeier,
" the tallest man who has existed for over three centuries," is on show at
the Pavilion just now. I don't know whether it is his tallness or the fact
that he has existed for over three centuries that forms the attraction, but
he is certainly very popular, and in his way worth seeing. Miss Haw-
thorne and Co. will repeat their performance of Heartsease at the Olympic
on Wednesday afternoon, the 26th inst.-M. Verbeck and Mlle. de
Marguerit havereappeared on their
old ground at the Piccadilly Hall
and are astonishing all beholders
as before.-The new Savoy piece
comes out on Saturday; has any-
body an engagement elsewhere?
Not I.-Miss Mary Anderson is _
coming back to us on the Ist of
September; while Mr. Irving and i
Co. are disporting themselves once
more on the other side she will
take possession of the Lyceum,
and with the courteous Abud
"in front" will prepare to receive i
cavalry, or audiences, with deter- -
mination.-Last week, Miss Edith
Maude Breretonbeing unwell, Miss
Dot Mario played the part of Ab- "!1I'
dallah in the Drury Lane panto-
mime with much sense of the
humour of the situation, and to
general satisfaction.-The new
programme of the Moore and
Burgess Minstrels is a first-rater. DRURY LANE.-A POPULAR ACTOR
" The Whistling Coon" I should PARTAKING OF JELLY.
think will be all the talk" pre-
sently, and Mr. Moore is in full form with his "Put on the Golden
Sword." NESTOR.

A SKYEAmazon exists, who evidently possesses a somewhat poetic turn
of mind. Brandishing the back of a scythe she informed a sheriff-
officer, in dulcet tones, that if she had him for five minutes alone, he
would never hear the cuckoo again. A strong-minded American lady
would have informed the officer that she purposed dusting the cobble-
stones in front of her door with his limp body. An English matron
would have consigned his eyesight to perpetual suffering; but the Scotch
dame gave forth a felicitous and poetic aphorism in which she introduced
the bird that heralds spring, spring, beautiful spring, with its buttercups
and daisies.


_ I ___








TANUARY 19, 1887. I UN. 23


PERFIDIOUS ALBION AGAIN
A French newspaper a few days ago announced gravely that for the present "crisis in Germany and France, England is responsible 1
r. I -A %4 "A 111. r B


AI


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is tau
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but it is grand I The Young France
ghtthe War of Revenge. His picture-
are of Alsace and Lorraine I


And our students I On the f8te days they assemble at the1'r And, feste! the German beer 1 We have sworn eter.
base of the statue of Strasburg in the Place de la Concorde. nally never to drinkof it I (N.B.-But consume it largely
They drum, they trumpet, they utter inflammatory balderdash I j all tie same. Coarse Entolisthman!)



-f f l~ i ~ 1W ; --. '' ." AR ''i
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I I --- __- -Ul r', I.
And our brave General Boulanger I Then, as there is bad blood between the Russian Bear Holy Blue I This brutal Germany is taking precau-
He also is patriot I and the German Eagle, shall not La Belle France coquet tions. Pig 1 beast of a John Bull shopkeeper I It is
with the Bear ? you who've destroyed our amity with our neighbours !


A Cheerful Companion to the
Calendar.
JANUARY-(SECOND HALF.)
17th. THE trial of King Charles began
This day, in sixteen forty-nine;
He'd tried his triers by his plan
Of governing by Right Divine.
18th. The King of Prussia, Emperor
Of Germany this day was made;
If you much wish to know what for "-
He'd fought for it-as well as pray'd.
19th. James Watt, ingenious child, was born
To help a lab'ring world in toiling,
By taking steam's strength out of pawn
Through noticing a kettle boiling."
20th. 'Bout Garrick, who on this day died,
Perhaps the most we surely know
Is, that to praise him critics vied,
Who wrote-a hundred years ago.
21st. Saint Agnes, poor dear thing! to-day,
We're told, was martyr'd by her
judges;
Let's hope that half good" writers say
About it are but well-meant fudges."


22nd. Great Bacon's birthday. Here's atheme
For very virtuous contemplation;
Pray, if of riv'ling him you dream,
Do not forget his degradation.
23rd. Poor Gustave Dord, 'mid his fame,
So blamelessly up-built,
Expir'd to-day, and left a name
Insep'rable from-gilt.
24th. Birthday of Charles James Fox, a Whig
Who tempered statesmanship with
wit,
Drank, gambled-merry as a grig-
And, true fox-like, "walked into"
Pitt.
25th. To-day saw Robert Bums's birth-
Brave singer, uncoo goodness"
spurning;
Whose living light illum'd the earth,
Singed knaves and fools, and still is
burning.
26th. Good Doctor Jenner this day died,
But not before he had transmitted
His secret for enabling Pride
To keep its treasur'd skin unpitted,


27th. Demise of Peter, called the Great;
From much that's known about him,
The world may fairly calculate
It could have done without him.

28th, Sir Francis Drake on this day died-
A brave old English "salt" was he,
Whose epitaph records with pride,
His grave and glory were the sea.

29th. To-day died simple George the Third,
Whom Peter Pindar chaff d for not
Having a notion, till he heard,
How apples into dumplings got.

30th. King Charles to-day was "martyr'd,'
and
Some people were extremely shocked,
So see a sovereign's head so grand
Regarded merely as a block-head.

31st. Ben Jonson born; well called "Rare
Ben,"
A prince of playwrights and brick-
layers;
The dread of fools, and, with his pen,
A literary Thomas Sayers.









W HI PP IN G C.R E[A:TITO.N.


WE had been reading lately in that American periodical that glowing comparison (by an American) of the greatness and resources of America with those of all
the other nations of the world in a lump. We felt quite numbed-overawed-dazed by the mightiness of Columbia. Our dazzled eyes seemed to see a vast towering
form arise before them. It said:-" There are more tom-cats, with longer tails with more warts on them, who eat more lame mice with one ear, in Amurrica than in
all the other countries put together. If all the bunkum talked by Amurricans was rolled into one dollop, it would make a world so big that the sun would go out,
skeered: and if every repetition of 'whips creation' was a pin that had to be stuck into that world, more than quite a lot of'em 'd have to accept overflow tickets for
another night, for want of seats. And if every laugh of derision caused by Amurrican brag was placed end to end, with its toes turned in and the third left-hand button
of its vest touching its neighbour's ear, guess they'd make a string that 'ud completely encircle that world nine million times-wha-at "


And such were our feelings that, when a special official arrived to offer us the Imperial Crown of the British Empire, together with all he wealth that empire con-
tained, we dismissed him with a "Pooh-pooh I" What's the use of such a pigmy gift as that ?







II ] NX .-JANUARY 19, 1887.


PAUL PRY AT THE PALACE.
Her Maesty.-" HUSH! JOHN BULL'S COMING. HIDE BEHIND THE THRONE. WE MUST DISSEMBLE."
"Lord Rowton has been running about here, there, and everywhere. A political busybody in the guise of an irresponsible Court Favourite."
Vide Pall Mall Gazette.


3

3"=;








26


F UN.


CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
PREVENTION QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION!
A woman lately applied to a magistrate, stating that her husband had been
sentenced to six months' imprisonment for assaulting her; and that, as he was soon
coming out, she was in fear of further violence from him. The judge had stated that
he could not grant her a judicial separation. The magistrate replied that he could
not do so either, but that, should the husband be guilty of an aggravated assault in
the future, he could then consider such an application."
A coachman stated that his wife was ruining herself and him by drinking enor-
mous quantities of chlorodyne, and inquired whether he could not obtain an order to
out her into an institution of some sort for a few months, as he felt convinced that her
ndulgence would kill her. The magistrate did not see his way to assist him." &c.,
&c., ad lib.]
INQUIRER. I beg your pardon, Mr. Representative of the Law-I
didn't quite
catch your re-
I marks, Ah !-
"What a dread-
S' ful state affairs


Life and property
I m liouf the apiece
S secured by the
Law ? Oh,
certainly--of
I course you must
-. Obe right. Ha !
-who's this
S t party coming to
i you with a piece
bitten out of
him ?
PARTY WITH
A PIECE BIT-
TEN OUT. Oh,
if you please, Mr. Representative of the Law, a savage dog has bitten
me, and I want you to order him to be destroyed.
REP. OF THE L. Has he bitten anybody before? No? Then I have
no power to make such an order. You let him bite you again-severely
-and then I will see what can be done.
PARTY WITH P. B. O. Oh, thank you so much! That is nice.
Here, Ponto! Just bite out another piece; thank you. I needn't
trouble you again, by-the-way, Mr. Representative, as this has about
finished me. Please ask my mother to bury me under the apple-tree
near the summer-house. What should we do without the laws ?
REP. OF THE LAW. Ah, indeed Well, what can I do for you?
WOMAN WITH AN ASSORTMENT OF BROKEN BONES. If you please,
sir, my husband is coming out of prison to-morrow, and will probably
murder me for getting him punished.
REP. OF THE L. Indeed That will be a pity.
W. WITH A. OF B. B. But, if you please, can't you afford me some
protection ? Can't you prevent--?
REP. OF THE L. My good woman, you do not grasp the purport of
the Law. The Law does not desire to prevent crime, but to punish it.
If your husband commits further atrocities-very aggravated ones, mind
-perhaps I will consider the matter. Oh, here he comes. Dear me I
he is behaving with much savagery. I will allow him to finish, and
then punish him. Dear me! he has kicked her into minute particles.
What a blessing the laws are !
EXUBERANT HUSBAND. Right you are, mister. They suits me to a T.
REP. OF THE L. How dare you--a criminal-make such a remark ?
.Hullo,
who are you ?
ANOTHER
HUSBAND. My ------ --
wife is killing ,-
herself with -T'-
chlorodyne, sir.
Can you give
me an order
to--?
REP. OF THE
L. Poohl-
stuff!-be off!
Come back and
tellmewhenshe
has killed her-
self-that's 4
what the laws i, -,,
concern them- I,."c'
selves with--
and then I'll
order an inquest, and perhaps punish a chemist or two. Be off.
Ha I-what is this happening? A would-be murderer placing an


JANUARY 19, 1887.


obstacle in the way of an express train. Dear me it will probably
cause the death or mutilation of some hundreds of persons. Now, I
will not interfere: I will just sit down and watch the operation, and
allow the would-be murderer to escape; and afterwards, if the train is
smashed, I will punish the murderer, provided that I can find him then;
and if the train escapes, I will either take no notice or fine the would-
be murderer one shilling-if I can find him, of course. What a blessing
the 1- 1 Dear me What a fearful crash Well, of course this
sort of tragedy is the sort of thing the law does not desire to-ahem I
should say "finds it impossible to "-prevent.


A PERILOUS POST.
[At Grantham, the other day, a football umpire was so severely handled by the team
against whom he gave his decision, that he had to be rescued by the police and hidden
away in the local barracks. FUN therefore begs to offer to umpires the accompanying
illustrated suggestions with a view to some safety].
SAD is the foot-
ball umpire's
lot-
As one lately
found to his -
cost; J '
This umpire -I .
alasseemed to
S"get it hot" '
From the team
which he i
thought had
lost. 1e ,o ,
Bashed,crashed,
and dashed,
also smashed, i
was he-
They used him,
in fact, for a
ball ;
Theykickedhim
along till he
couldn't see,
And his face did
they terribly
maul. .
Then what will
the umpire e
do?" men cry;
What must he do in the sweet by-and-bye?"
He must cover himself with armour stout,
Casque, cuirass, and shirt of mail ;
Revolverless ne'er must he go about,
Or he'll not live to tell the tale.
Yea, when his decision he dares to give,
He must arm at all points, you'll agree,
Or to get home to tea he will not live,
But in fragments will quickly be.
Yes, ye football umpires must arm or die,
For they'll jump on your chest in the sweet by-and-bye.
When the umpire biddeth farewell to his wife,
(If he has one) he must, to begin,
Take heed that he largely insures his life-
If an office will take him in.
More dangerous far than the battle-field,
Is his post with a football team;
So about him fierce weapons must be concealed,
Or he to escape must not dream. 0 1
With pistols and poniards he'll have to defy
The football fiends of the sweet by-and-bye.


New Leaves.
WE regret to find that we were in error when we stated a fortnight
ago that our announcement of Lady Burton's book having been
graciously accepted by Her Majesty, was made at Lady Burton's
request, and therefore withdraw that statement, as having been made
without her knowledge. We learn that a copy of the work has also been
graciously accepted by Her Royal Highness the Princess Beatrice of
Battenberg.-The Sportsman's Illustrated Almanac, Edited by R. B.
Marston, illustrated by William Foster.-This Almanac will attract the
admiration of all lovers of sport.-The special subjects selected are
treated in a masterly manner. All the illustrations are clever and cha-
racteristic, evincing talents that will doubtless be well Fostered.







FTUN.


c7


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S"A RAVEN-OUS ATTACKrBY A:PECK-ISH BIRD."


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JANUARY 9I, 1887.


KNICKNACKS.
AN interesting poetic party proposed to, and was accepted by, a
wealthy widow lately. They arranged to meet at the house of a mutual
friend on the wedding morn,
drive off to a neighboring F f
church, and get married .
quietly. The meeting took .
place, but it happened that the
mutual friend had been out on i
n ua slight "bender" the night
previously, and in opening a
bottle of soda he sprinkled his
"3 ,~4 ife's best plum-coloured satin Ii
S. v ery handsomely; whereat the
9 irate lady gave her spouse such ., -,'
a dressing, that when' the it K
storm had blown over a little,
Sthe interesting poetic party "i.
beckoned the bullied Benedict .'
out of the room, and asked
earnestly, "Do women often
nag their]ifhusbands in that
alarming manner ? "' You
bet," was; the laconic reply.
Then the poet whispered that
he'd just run round the corner and post a letter. He ran The ap- -.
pointed hour for the nuptials came, but the bridegroom came not. 4 11 i
Search was made for him in every direction without avail. Later in the
day a note came by post intimating that he had changed his mind on
the subject of matrimony, and the forsaken widow abused the mutual 6
friend with amazing fluency for his imbecility in allowing the interesting 5i
gentle resthete to slip off.


Two thousand five hundred men employed in the breweries of
Philadelphia struck recently; consequently a vast number of thirsty
Philadelphians have been reduced to sad straits, but the vendors of diluted
turpentine have flourished. It is an ill wind that blows nobody good.
A NEw ZEALAND detective conveying two murderers and a forger
from one: point to another by steamship, seems to have made himself
most agreeable to his prisoners by playing daily games at cards with the
three knaves. They looked on him as a trump. He was-he managed
to swoop in all their little tricks on the journey.
A PRIEST in New Jersey has most solemnly cursed a drinking-saloon.
According to the latest advices the proprietor and bar-tenders have not
lost an ounce of flesh, and the liquors are not a whit more deadly in their
effects than they were before the blood-curdling malediction was uttered.
Their fried oysters don't choke them; their green cigars don't bring on
attacks of syncope, and their fluids don't cause them to "go up" by
spontaneous combustion. Wonderful, wonderful !
DURING the expedition to Skye four large parishes in Inverness were
left under the protection of one gallant constable. That officer must
have been made miserably ill by over-doses of oatmeal porridge, haggis,
hotch-potch, hot buttered scones, and cockie-leekie.
SNEEZING and coughing among a church congregation became so
terrific the other morning that a worthy pastor was compelled to abandon
all idea of preaching a sermon. There was a subdued yet happy expres-
sion of resignation on the faces of certain male members of the flock as
they filed out to wait till the neighboring chemists opened.
FoUR boy-burglars broke into an armoury ot volunteers recently.
Finding the keys of the officers' room, they subsequently found four bottles
of champagne and a bottle of beer. They caroused and played at
soldiers, and rolled out of the building with a quantity of cigars and
ball-room programmes in their pockets. The industry of these boys was
so great that they fell exhausted in the gutter on quitting the premises.
They are now all safely located in industrial houses-sometimes known
as reformatories.
IT is suggested that male citizens of the French Republic should be
entitled to an extra vote for each child born unto them in wedlock.-
Departure of a child afflicted with measles: "I-I must go, mamma;
fold me in your dear arms." Do not fret, my pet; rest assured you
have given your papa-another vote."

"WANTED, a pifus man to make himself generally useful on a coal
wharf, beer and coals allowed." The above is a highly moral advertise-
ment that we pick out of a highly moral journal. Should we ever order
coals from that wharf, we shall have them carefully weighed in the
balance lest they may be found wanting.


IN MEMORIAL.
LORD IDDESLEIGH (SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE), BORN
-OCT. 27TH, 8II8. DIED JAN. 12TH, 1887.
AMID the uproar of the party fray,
That in the Government dismay had wrought,
And while for place so many fiercely fought,
This gentle, honoured statesman passed away.
Upright and courteous was he, e'en to those
Who differed from him widely as to views;-
Never did he (as many do) abuse
His fellow-statesmen, who were party foes.
The British love of honour and fair play,
He in discussion and debate revealed;
No malice in his speeches was concealed-
Too rare a virtue in this fevered day.
A statesman of a calm and generous mind,
A Tory to whom Liberals owed respect,
A man beloved by every creed and sect,
Who grieved when he, the day before, resigned.
Yes, he had just withdrawn from active life,
And all had wished him long and well-earned rest;
But death upon him had its seal impressed,
And called him from this world of stress and strife.
All shades of politicians worth the name
Will mourn Sir Stafford "-lately made a peer-
For all must, from sheer honesty, revere
A statesman so refined and pure in aim.


Two inmates of a convalescent home, one recovering from the effects of
a broken leg, the other under treatment for a badly fractured thumb,
fell out, fought, and fell through a window. An infirmary servant
stated that the game-legged patient was bosky at the time of the combat,
and that he was "a little quick when drunk." A magistrate hinted that
his celebrious celerity might bring the boy to a cell some day, fined
him twenty shillings just to put a damper on his activity, and advised
him to go home to tea quietly.


28


_ ~es~r~ I-- IT-PIIII -


-- ---I~-I- ---le --








JANUARY 19, I887. I'lT S. 29

i Under False Colours.
i, JACK FROST.
.i .I ., GOOD DAY, my dear madam, I'm your old friend, Jack Frost,
o111' I Who is bound to come back, though you might think him lost;
'1i Here I am; how d'ye do? You don't look, though, too pleased,
Sil Oh, you think I'm too free in my way-well, I'm freezed !
I MRS. HOUSEWIFE.
ii Oh, my dear Mr. Jack, if you only could guess
Si I I What mischief you cause, I am in such a mess !
I I i For my pipes are all burst, and from ceiling to floor
.1 / --'''*li I'm flooded-don't know what to do, I am sure.
JACK FROST.
By Boreas really your welcome is cold,
S' It is not very often my face you behold !
SNow, tell me what season more beauty can show
.J'1 Than my splendid white carpet of soft fleecy snow ?
MRS. HOUSEWIFE,
Oh, yes, Mr. Frost, it is pretty,, I'll own,
S\ But its beauty, you see, sir, so quickly is flown;
f And then how the air becomes cutting and raw
As we slop through the slud and the slush of the thaw I
JACK FROST.
Now, really, you grumble without a just cause,
If I do send the frosts, I don't send the thaws.
i N Then just think of your windows that charmingly gleam
I.' When my tracery I weave, like a poet's sweet dream.
SMRS. HOUSEWIFE.
i. I Yes, the windows I will not deny, sir, look nice,
SBut the same frost will cover my steps with smooth ice;
w I am frightened to put my foot now to the ground,
S, 1 For my head follows suit, I too often have found.
JACK FROST.
'. ',IA \ I see, my dear madam, you like to complain,
il Well, I'll leave for awhile, but I'll come back again.

CRITICAL.
Mr. Nuttall.-" Mark my words His Pictures will all go to BEAUTIES OP SHAKESPEARE.
pieces in less than fifty years. He trusts almost entirely to glazes. BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
There's nothing solid about 'em." BOOM.
Mr. AMonntlcaf.-" Not even the criticism."
/

THAWING.
So there's not so much frost. Well, supposing there isn't? What's
that to me? I don't happen to be a roast-chestnut, nor yet a hot potato-
man. I said I like it to be warm. Did I? Supposing I did. I never ''
said that I liked walking about in a Slough of Despond What pleasure
is there I should like to know in seeing the gutters turned into trout
streams and the areas into serpentines ? The weather's never any good
in this country. Of course it isn't. Just when you go and order a great
coat it's about as much as you can do to walk about inpygamas. Like
a fool a week ago I bought a Cardigan jacket, and had a sealskin jacket.
I should like to change places now with a stoker in a Red Sea steamer.
It's simply beastly, this weather is. I've been shivering all the day like
a retriever lugged out of Hampstead ponds. Big collars are all nowhere.
I'm simply wretched.' I might think of the poor, might I? Well, I
don't happen to have been born a bricklayer's labourer, so that's nothing
to do with me. Well, and what's the good of a thaw after all? First
of all you have a frost, and then your liver feels like a milestone on the
Dover road. Then you have a thaw. Well, what then. Then your
liver feels like a hundred yards of damp hot flannel under a hydraulic
press. That's the good of thaws.
Well, the drapers say that a good thaw makes people think of spring
fashions. Does it? As I am, thank goodness, not a married man,
that makes no difference to me. A thaw's simply awful to married
men; that I know well enough. I've got a brother a wretched married
idiot. Whenever there's a thaw his wife immediately comes down upon
him. "'My dear John, it's perfectly impossible that I can go about
wearing the things I have had in the cold weather. I must have some-
thing light and tasty." Light and tasty, indeed I Talking about them- --
selves as if they were so many cheese-cakes. Thank goodness, I'm not -
a married man. There never was a wife who didn't want some sort
of change or the other, particularly when that came out of her hus-
band's pocket. A pun? Do you think, sir, that I would condescend to
write puns like a low fellow on a comic paper? Not I, sir Not I ---
That's your impudence, I say. The only thing that I've got to be ---- ~ -----
thankfulforis that I'm not married. No! I'm not married. I'm not "NATURE HATH FRAM'D STRANGE FELLOWS IN HER TIME."-
going to be. Thaws, indeed! Bah! DIOGENES TUBBS. Merchant of Venice, Act I. Scene I.

'. i- o CORBsrosNDaNTs.-- he Editor does not binmt himself to acknowledge, return, or pay or Contributions. In no case will they be returned unl r
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.












































TWO SCANDALOUS.
Miss Cronger.-" I'M SURE, DEAR, SHE TALKED SCANDAL THE WHOLE TIME SHE STAYED.'
Miss Lovelock.-".NOT TO HERSELF, DEAR, I PRESUME."


Paul Pry at the Palace.
(SEE CARTOON.)
MAYBE some won't believe in it, and yet
They'll find it pretty positively stated
In the redoubtable Pall Mall Gazette,
Whose strange disclosures oft are highly rated.
'Tis said there is an Eavesdropper at Court,
Who goes about to pick up information,
(Which afterwards he'll privately report),
Concerning sundry men of public station.
If that be true,-and true perchance it be,
It must be clear e'en to an ignoramus
That in this Eavesdropper again we see
A character which Liston once made famous.
The curious political Paul Pry,
Gathering idle words and details peddling-


Quite unofficially, of course, doth try
To "boss it" by officious intermeddling.
And so he whispers, Hope I don't intrude,"
And strives to make the Ear suspect or tremble,
Until he's forced abruptly to conclude
By Tohn Bull's coming-hush I we must dissemble !"

THE following quaint advertisement appeared in a contemporary
recently :-" A situation wanted by a steady settled young Woman of
the Established Church, who understands a cow." There s very little
Christianity in a cow, according to our country experience. It's easy
enough to understand the cow, the sublime difficulty is getting the cow
to understand you.
MR. RUSKIN states that his father could, and would tell guests more
about sherry than any other person' knew in England or Spain; No
wonder little Rusky grew up a temperate man.


DON'T BE CHEATED!
SEE THAT IA i Cb|
YOU CET JAI ESL 'Cab N

HBUARANTEED
'DOME LEAD. Iedn edyPURE AND0
Used in the Royal Household. SOLUBLE. C o
No dust, or som particles fly about to inJure Garaeai7
pe.PatNo dus.. ur B N ~,a .. ,BE- BMWARE OF IMIATlIONB.
SI t polsh increases the attractons of the firesidoN
London; Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January z9th, 1887.








FU TIN


EI\& FRVEOSMFRW O P0ESTfpdrT IrA PE pTi L IEqUIJSITES ,1 A







Xii-


(5.) ,'0 PREFErIEcE soLULD BE Sho'v\v "
I JE-l. YOJ TiE LPOy A0o I TELL You 'TIE LDoy
WAS EfpqEr D TO S IEfrEP\ To SIT yr
^-^*SK ~ e^ O^- -/ .^ V/,Tl,^ PI


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.PfE. p ( E aE1 e,6l FoI^ U -
\rsNIrTy /O6i pIreE.ALE. pSSocl-Tlool."'
THE BALL-ROOM GUIDE ILLUSTRATED.-PART II.


VOL. XLV.-NO. 1133.


-",- O;


"7


EPASE OF tAAI









32 I. JANUARY 26, 1887.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE HAYMARKET.-For the fundamental value of the story of Hard
Hit it doesn't matter a bit that most of the betting technicalities are


-r
THE HAYMAIKET.--MSS RORKI: DOES WRONG, AND MISS TERRY DOES WRIT--
RATlHER R.OKul-\wARD FOR BOTH.

such as come upon sporting men (so Trophonius tells me) as a great and
glad surprise. The main blot of the story is the main blot of many a
story which has preceded it, and many a story (no doubt) which will
follow it till all stories are told-the utterly puppet-like, invertebrate
shuttlecock of a hero. Some people will not mind this, and if there is
only a sufficient number of them the piece will run, but many people
have a weakness for a hero with whom they can sympathise.

APART from this there is a great deal of good and interesting work
in the piece, although Mr. Jones has not laid himself out to be epigram-
matic. The first act is pretty, and through the second and third acts
the piece grows in interest and grip ; the third act, in particular, without
erring violently on the score of originality, can yet boast of excellent
construction, some clever character sketches most cleverly played, and
a thoroughly dramatic "curtain." There was not much left to do in
the last act, but the ball was kept rolling with some expertly contrived
incidents, and, on the whole, seeing that the acting is nearly as good as
can be, I shouldn't be surprised to find Hard Hit eventually a hit of
another description. __

IF for no other reason than for the novelty of seeing Mr. Willard in a
"virtuous part and Miss Mary Rorke in a "vicious" ditto-a trans-
formation worthy of the topsy-turvydom of Mr. W. S. Gilbert-I should
think all London would flock to the theatre. I undertake to say that
it will be disappointed in neither artist, and it will have the advantage
besides, of enjoying the finished villainy of Mr. Tree; and the power
and delightful delicacy of Miss Marion Terry. Nor, in a company of
high all-round excellence, does the exquisite comedy power of Miss
Lydia Cowell fail to make itself felt. Mr. Arthur Dacre s efforts go far
to disguise the inherent weakness of the character he has to represent,
and Mr. C. Dodsworth-if he will "tone down a little-may congratu-
late himself upon a clever piece of character-acting. Personally, I
enjoyed the piece very much. I daresay there will be a-many like me.

THE GLOBE.-As The Lodgers is a "farcical comedy," I suppose it
would be supererogatory to say that, artistically speaking, it is scarcely
worthy consideration." After the first act, to those who desire anything
beyond acrobatic, rough-and-tumble horse-play, it becomes a bit of a
bore. There is no knowing, however, what may be made of the piece
when Mr. Hill has leisure to learn some of his part; at present, the
appearance of that eminently humorous actor in a porter's dress is
sufficient to put us all in a state of exuberant hilarity, and as Mr. Penley
makes himself outrageously comical in very tight trousers, very short
jacket, and very Glengarry cap, success seems assured. But towards this
desirable end the genuinely comic acting of Miss Fanny Brough is of no
little assistance. Mis Vane Feathcrstone makes a sufficiently good
slaveyy," and Miss Blanche Horlock, late of Sister lary's Hospital
Nursing Compiny, is pretty enough to explain and excuse all the lodger
affection that is lavished upon her.

FOR my own part, however, I confess to have derived my greatest
enjoyment during the evening from the very bright and tender little first
piece called Barbara, in which Miss Cissy Grahame acts so prettily and
so sympathetically. The author of Barbara, I should say, is Mr.


Jerome K. Jerome, a gentleman who ought to do good work in his time
if, as I believe, this is his first produced piece.

NODS AND WINKS.-I was invited the other evening to assist at the
inauguration of the Star Club, a new almshouse instituted as a refuge
for gentlemen of sporting and social tendencies. I was rather at a loss
to know what such an organisation could possibly have to do with a
(more or less) dramatic critic, until I found the occupant of the chair
for the occasion was a Shifter." This being an official well known to
me in connection with the "'moving scenes of drama, my doubts were
set at rest, and I consented to examine the resources of the establish-
ment, from skittles and thimble-rig in the basement, to a good square
meal and G. H. Mumm in the (shall I say) forum. By the fiendish
malice of one Morton (at whose instance many mighty men of journal-
istic valour were assembled), Nestor was inveigled into disgracing this
journal by replying to a toast in its honour; but the majority of the
audience being judiciously inattentive and rather incoherent of hearing
at the time, but little real damage was done, and what seems likely to
be a useful and pleasant resort for the sporting man and (is it ?) socialist
-with Exchange wire, telephone, subscription room and all complete--
was started on its career with triumph.

MR. FUN has received such a good-humoured letter from Miss Minnie
Mario touching some flippant remarks upon her "make-up in The
Forty Thieves which appeared in this column, that he is quite ashamed
of the way in which I put it. -Of course, the real bite and sting of the
exquisite satire employed was directed at the "milliner's models," and
not at Miss Mario; but, as Mr. FUN (he says) always reveres talent and
admires beauty wherever he finds them, and as he therefore (he says)
both reveres and admires the lady in question, he couldn't bear to see
her at a disadvantage, and "upon that hint I spake."

MR. CHARLES BERTRAM, of Egyptian Hall, and (I believe) "original
introducer into England of the disappearing lady' illusion" fame, has
"moved on to the Alhambra, where he is exclusively engaged in
astonishing the natives of that unsophisticated locality, and nightly
securing lescamota e d'une persontne vivante, which may (if you like) be
translated as "giving a lively person the chuck."-On Friday next Mr.
Malcolm A. Salaman's Dimity's Dilemma will, in all probability, put
in its appearance at the Gaiety in front of Monte Cristo, 7un. Miss
Billee Barlow, Miss Jennie McNulty, and Miss Maggie Rayson
(a new arrival) have charge of the female parts, while those of the
opposite sex are in the hands of Messrs. Stone, Guise, and Honey.-
At the Olympic this afternoon, Miss Hawthorne repeats her impersona-
tion of that (in many senses) unhealthy young person Marguerite
Gauthier, in Iea;rtsease, backed by a strong cast. Mtlalinies under
Miss Hawthorne's direction will take place at this theatre every
Wednesday for some time to come; and Mr. Terry, since whose appear-
ance upon the scene the house scarcely knows itself, will act as Church-
warden every Saturday afternoon. Miss Hawthorne has obtained an
extension of her lease.-By order of the Committee of the Juvenile
Fancy Dress Ball- at the Mansion House, Messrs. L. and H. Nathan,
the well-known costumiers, made and supplied some five-and-twenty


THE GLOBE.-THIS HERE DRESSER AND THAT HAIR-DRESSER.

of the dresses worn in the kings and queens' procession.-A new
comedy-drama by Mr. James J. Blood will be produced by Miss Helen
Barry at the Vaudeville Theatre on the afternoon of March 2nd; Mr.
James Fernandez in a strong part. NESTOR.








JANUARY 26, 1887. F T N 33

THR PHILOSOPHY OF SKATING.

















THE EMBRACE IMPROMPTU. TOE FALL FACETIOUS. THE STAGGER VICTORIOUS.

















THE TUM LE TRUCULENT. THE SCRAMBLE INEFFECTUAL. THE SMASH UTTER.

A VIOLENT lady of dishevelled appearance begged a magistrate the A NOBLE dook, wallowing in wealth, has knocked eighteenpence a
other day not to be "surprised at her next appearance in court." The week off the wages of each of his farm-labourers. He grudges them
dispenser of justice whispered that he would struggle hard to keep down the bits of rancid bacon they have hitherto been able to afford for dinner
his emotion when he met her again, though it might be a difficult ta k. occasionally. What a contrast a creature like this is to Lord Tollemache !
MORE than two thousand baskets of sprats and young herrings, landed A SCOTCH minister recently denounced the practice of burying people
at Kirkwall recently, were sold for manure for a few pence -per basket, on Sundays as a most aggravated mode of Sabbath-breaking. It is
We guess Kirkwall would be a good pitch to float a sardine manu- reported that he looks upon dying on the seventh day as a very immoral
factory" in. habit for people to indulge in.

DONE!




= ,-
.. ._ ,_<_ ii













Little Wrtch.-" OH, I SAY, HERE'S A FINE GIRL I I'LL FOLLOW "WHAT? MY WIFE, BY JUPITER!"
ITER HOME !" I










34 F]U


CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.

POLITENESS BEFORE EVERYTHING.
[" The Royal Commission on :the Depression of Trade and Industry have issued
their final Report. Among the causes of depression, they point to over-production,
fall in prices, depreciation in the standard of value, foreign bounties, competition
from without, increased local taxation, preferential railway rates, and so forth."-
Newsfa.ers.]
MEETING ROOM OF THE ROYAL COMMISSION. Royal Commissioners
beautifully and delicately arrayed, partaking of mince as a suitable
preparation for business.
CHAIRMAN. One last word, gentlemen ; let me beg of you to recol-
lect that our
first and great-
est duty is Po-
SO LITENESS. Let
S us keep always
I in view that the
S real object of
i i- this inquiry is to
say pleasant
things to the
Great Commer-
cial Community
in whose inte-
rests we are in-
Ivestigating. To
listen to any
evidence in any
way casting the
blame on our
manufacturers
or others would Le too shockingly indelicate.
THE OTHER COMMISSIONERS (hiding theirfaces with scented hand-
kerchiefs). Oh, don't speak of such a thing !
CH. Very good, indeed. I perceive that we are now in a fit state of
mind to thresh out the question in an unbiassed way. Admit the wit-
nesses. Ha Mr. Witness; good day. You are here to give
testimony, of course, in favour of our British Traders (to whisper a word
against whom is not to be thought of)?
FIRST WITNESS (from Central Africa). Yah! yah! Um cheat dis
nigger like de debble. You wait well he git hold ob trader !
ROYAL COM. Ah !-yes-of course he's speaking of the German
trader.
FIRST W. Debble a bit. Dis nigger bin swindled wid bad cottons--
all in rags in ten minutes, yah !-an' bad spirits-fire-water, send 'im
nigger mad an' kill him. All done by de British trader, by gum !
ROYAL COM. (squealing with horror, andstopping their ears). Stop
his mouth Gag him I How dreadfully indelicate I We won't hear it.
CH. Turn that most improper witness out Then, gentle-
men, I think we may enter it down that the witness from Central Africa
distinctly attributes the decrease of British imports in his country to-
er-to-the--er-unfair and disgraceful conduct of our foreign com-
petitors-eh? Next witness. Ah I good day, Mr. Artizan. To what
do you attribute the present depression in, &c., &c. ? Of course we will
at once dismiss the bare idea that any fault lies at the doors of the British
manufac-
SECOND W. fromm the manufacturing Districts). Wot? Oh, will
we, though Wot Ises is, if the guv'nor didn't order me to chuck in
such a blooming' 'cap o' rubbish into the goods-white lead, an' saw-
dust, an' china
clay, an' acids,
an' sand, an'-
Cii. (gasp-
ing). Good gra- -_ _
cious!--for
goodness sake! -
-my good fel-
low-how can _"
you? Pray, be
silent! 0t
course, on re-
flection, you
mean to say
that your em-
ployer sternly
refuses to intro-
duce such adul- '
terations in-
to-
SECOND W. Oh, do I ? I tell yer I don't. I tellyer-.
CHORUS OF COM. Oh, pray say you mean that I Please, do No
-no-no-we won't hear anything against the British Producer. Do,


rN JANUARY 26, 1887.

please, say all sorts of things against the wicked German competitors,
and the flagitious railway companies-(though how it happens that there
aren't enough railway directors on our board to prevent the last remark
is too marvellous for us to decide). Take him away! Bring a new
witness who isn't so shockingly indel- Who is this?
BRITISH CONSUMER. Why, I am the party who buys things made by
my fellow-countrymen; and all I can say is, if he sends such bad things
to the foreigner as he gives me- What's the matter?
CLERK TO THE COM. Why, can't you see, you indelicate and uncivi-
lized booby, that all the outraged Commissioners have fainted? How
could you make such remarks ? Be off, instantly *
CH. Oh 1-where am I? Was it some fearful and indelicate dream ?
CLERK. Yes, dear. It's all right now. We will take care that only
polite and properly-conducted witnesses are admitted for the future.
OTHER COM. (recovering). Oh, yes; we see you understand. We
wish to assist the British Producer, but not at the expense of telling him
any of his own faults. We could not be so rude.
*
CLERK. There, gentlemen; I have copied out the Report, and you
will perceive that everything is entirely owing to the evil-doing of every-
body except the British Producer.
COM. Oh, yes, that's lovely-as delicate and polite and considerate
as it can be. Now everything will be nice and pleasant.
[They put on scented kids, and mince home.


CABINET MENDING.


ABINET mak-
ing's a difficult
task,
But by Cabinet
mending is
often sur-
pass'd;
Then all that
diplomacy's
art can sug-
gest,
Is into the ser-
vice of states-
manship
pressed.


I There are friends
to provide for
who can't be
left out,
SAnd changes to
make to avoid
utter rout;
And oft when
the structure
FnI- is thought
very sound,
SA rude puff of
wind brings it
all to the
ground.
Now, whence the gust likely to give it this blow,
Is coming, our sketch in the margin must show,
Like a house built of cards, it will fall in a heap,
If the G.O.M.'s chest be sufficiently deep.

A Potter-ing Par.
Mr. J. C. Hors!ey, R.A., is," says a daily paper, disposed to doubt the validity
of Mr. Minton's claim for the supremacy of his pottery."]
HAVE you read this daily print on
Mr. Horsley's doubt of Minton?
A potter who has really won renown;
Minton may (although not coarsely)
Express his doubt of Horsley;
If he did, and won the case,
'Twould be like a Thames-side place,
For wouldd savour, don't you see, of Horsly-down.

A SCIENTIFIC German has invented an apparatus for the production of
artificial fog. We are not advocates of Lynch law, but if that Teuton
tries to develop his patent in London, may he--well, never mind. The
scientist's notion is to ensure the prolonged existence of those creatures
and plants that cannot exist comfortably without a dense watery vapour
drifting round them. Is it necessary that they should exist ?


~-~L~
l)n







JANUARY 26, I887.IFUN. 35


BAD BOYS' BALLADS. T ~ 1
I.-PADDY O'SCRAN. ili 1 / '- -


PADDY O'SCRAN, the Finnian's child,
Was a swate little chap, but a bit too wild.
Sure he bate the wurreld by day or night
A-gettin' the naybours' dogs to fight;
And whiniver ye'd hear a bang and a scrame
That 'ud waken ye out av ye'r dapest drame,
And see the cats go rushin' in gales,
Wid brickbats pursuing' the inds av their tails,
An' hear their terrible scraiches and squales,
Thin ye jist might say as sure as six,
"There's Paddy O'Scran at wan av his tricks !"
Indade, 'twas himself that chased a cow
Along av the state, as he well knew how,
Wid all av the gurrels an' bys that was bad,
Till they druv the crayture intoirely mad.
An' whin she upset an apple-stand,
Sure Paddy O'Scran was riddy on hand
To stale the paches, an' that is thrue,
An' likewise abstract the oranges too;
An' the place av its pay-nuts was bereft,
Till nivir a vigethable was left.
Paddy wint out wan Sathurday night
To stale his father's dynamite.
An' sure it is jist mysilf," says Pat,
"That'll thrate me oppressor like a rat;
I'll be the height of an iligant thraitor,
An' all av me lone a conpirather.
The Quane is my father's inimy,
An' the schoolmasther is mine," says he.
"She thramples the Oirish benathe her fate,
An' sure by the teacher I was bate,
Bate till my sinses was almost gone,
Sure I'd rather a dale be thrampled on.
Now it's hurroo aboo! as sure as banes,
I'll blow the would baste into smitheranes."
So he wint by the night so dark an' cool,
To insert the dynamite into the school,
An' benathe the stove in a hole that 'ud fit,
He inthruded a pound an' a half of it.
An' Paddy said, Sure it's myself that's good
To provide such iligant kindlin' wood;
'Tis jist what the teacher will require
Whin he comes in the martin' to light the fire."
On the top av the Monday martin', sure,
There was Paddy a-papin' through the dure;
But the teacher that martin' was exthry late,
An' niver a scholar was in his sate,
And Paddy riflicted, an' said, Be joy !
Sure I forgot it's the Foorth av Juloy !
Troth it's a pity he niver came,
But I'll have me explosion all the same,
For it's jist mesilf that's spry and quick,
An' at running' away I am mighty slick;
I'll jist give it a poke, thin fly like dust,
And lave the owld jinamite to bust."
So Paddy gave it a poke, and whoo !
Wid a crack and a bang, and a hullah-baloo !
Up in the air the school-house wint,
And Paddy and all into paces were sint.
Indade, the assurance was little wurreth
Whin the lavins av thim kem down to urreth.
'Twas a rain of slates and arithmetics,
Plasther an' maps, an' pins an' bricks,
Ink and rulers, and atlases,
'Stid of plump little bys and fat lasses.
And, och hone areei! all over the square
Were bits of Paddy jist here an' there I
The people who hurred the noise did say,
"He's a-kapin' Indipindence Day !"
But whin the truth all came to light,
And they found it was Paddy and dynamite,
All that was sid was, It surrved him right !"

ARTISTIC faculties are not as rare as may be imagined.
Many men besides artists have drawn lots.


SETTLING THE PINT.
A FRAGMENT.
Argumentative Party.-" WORT I WANTS, SIR, IS LEGISLATION AS
WILL COMPEL LONDONERS TO BURN SMOKELESS COAL. SMOKI-GIVIN'
COAL IS THE RUIN OF EVERYTHING. Now, SIR, THE PROBLEM IS-
WORT'S THE BEST WAY OF OVERCOMIN' OF TIE LONDON FOG?"
Sententious Party.-"'PINT o' BURTON, AND A WHIFF O' BACCAA.
THEM'S MY SENTIMENS. PEERAPS YOU'LL 'AVE THAT 'ERE POT
REPLENUSHED !"


HOTCH POTCH.
MOLD must be a good place to live in. During the past two years and three
months only one person among a flock of three hundred and fifty Roman Catholics
located in that part of health-giving Wales has been interred in mould.

THE British commissioner who met the Afghan Ameer in Cabul a short time
back, was astonished to find that not only is His Highness a confirmed snuff-taker,
but that he expectorates freely after each pinch, going essentially on the Scotch
principle, It's a' swept oot i' the morning."

AN Irish farmer, who had been threatened with death by some glorious patriots,
vowed a solemn vow that they should never kill him, and kept his oath by
shooting himself. He said he was quite determined to "best" the moonlighters.
They shouldn't score a laugh against him.

MR. RUSKIN objects to nations "paying their ironmongers for the manufacture
of ironclads and stink-pots." Of course it is just as well not to pay ironmongers,
or anybody else, if nations can avoid doing so. But there's the rub By the way,
we thought that "stink-pots" were somewhat out of date as adjuncts of warfare;
yet, after reading Mr. Ruskin's words, and knowing him to be an authority on
every subject under the sun, we sent our office-boy round to the nearest iron-
monger's to purchase a half-crown one. We merely wished to drive a tiresome
contributor out of the office. The unfortunate lad came back in a very bruised
condition without the grenade.

THE King of Bavaria is suffering from a combination of intense melancholia and
"jumps." He has ordered a large stock of cheap cotton pocket-handkerchiefs
from England. Nice sentimental "wipes," with "The Beggar's Petition," etc.,
printed on them in subdued colours.





































the generosity called forth by the present Yearjof Jubilee I Look at the newspapers. Here's one of the many such advertise-
3 QUIXOTIC FREE GIFT COMPANY have decided, on the occasion of HER MAJESTY'S JUBILEE, to GIVE
ENT WHATEVER, ONE THOUSAND POUNDS IN ACTUAL CASH to every applicant i!! Secretary, Mr. Moses


On receipt of postal order for ten shillings-not to pay for the Gift (which is GIVEN WITHOUT ANY PAYMENT WHATEVER), but to defray the twopence for
portage the SUM OF ONE THOUSAND POUNDS will be IMMEDIATELY FORWARDED. Further than this, in order that the lucky applicant may not be
tempted to spend the vast sum in drink, the sum will take the form of one dozen of magnificent old port (actually worth double the money). The gift may therefore be
said to be really more IN ACTUAL CASH than cash itself would be!







ITU N .-JANUARY 26, 1887.


E~7
z~z~


HAUNTED;
HE SAW IN THE


I I


FIRE.


OR, WHAT









38 Fl

KNIOKNACKB.
THE gilded hyperchics of France have discarded black evening-dress
coats, and wear red in preference. They have likewise made a dead
set against stove-pipe hats, and
may now be seen strolling
about with billycocks of all
shapes and materials adorning
their noddles. The most outri
gommeux of France are but
very poor creatures in their
attire, when compared to the
gorgeous French dandies who
flourished in, and meandered
/" about, Paris some hundred
years ago. Here's a descrip-
tion of a beau's "get-up" in
the year 1790 :-" The coat of
ruby velvet cloth, with sky-
-blue cape, buttons of goat's
hair; the cheveu one plain
curl, en ailes de pigeon; the
-- cravat of fine cambric, as well
Sas the ruffles and frill, which
are in large plaits; waistcoat
Sof orange casimir, trimmed
with blue riband; breeches
also of orange casimir,
trimmed with blue riband; white silk stockings and shoes, tied with
black ribands, forming roses; a large made-up stick concealing a 'tuck,'
or dagger." Yet rude, cynical, untidy old men used to gibe at them
cruelly, and call them names hardly fit for publication.

THE Tonquinese have been giving the French troops "beans" again-
Tonquin beans with a strong scent of gunpowder about them !

M. DE BLOWITZ affirms that the Great White Czar of Holy Russia is
a mad ferocious drunkard. Mdme. de Novikoff insists that he is a mild
good-natured, come-home-to-tea monarch, who never pinches his wife.
The balance of evidence, however, goes to show that the Little Father
is a dipsomaniac, without the moral courage to be a good man, or the
pluck to be a bad one.
DR. MORRISON states that indigestion is often followed by consump-
tion. Experience teaches us, however, that indigestion much more
frequently follows consumption. The worthy physician also considers
that it is quite unnecessary for young men to get "corned," and "sow
wild oats." He advocates barley-water as a wholesome fluid for frolic-
some youths of the period. Though not very youthful, we intend to
commence on barley-water next Monday.

Two casuals got into hot water recently through refusing to work.
They complained that they could not toil upon hot water as a beverage.
We really think the Guardians ought to order a flint stone or two to be
thrown into the hot water dispensed to casual paupers in future, just to
convert it into tasty work'us broth. It's even betting the ratepayers
wouldn't grumble very much at the expense.

DR. CHARCOT has discovered that dumbness can be transferred by
magnetism from one woman to another. The noisiest mother-in-law
placed back to back with a tongue-tied female may be cured of her
waspish verbosity in ten minutes or so, when fixed-up under his treat-
ment. At present the doctor's fees are not exorbitant. If he has any
respect for the comfort of his sex, he never will make them so.

A RED-HAIRED young lady appeared before a magistrate the other day,
and with touching eloquence advanced a complaint against a young
swain, for assault and constant annoyance. She said, Notwithstand-
ing the defendant is puffectly haware as I 'ates 'im, he has tried repeatedly
to be very hamarous and insinuvatin', a making' sich fervint protestations
of a hadorin' passion for me, that it is quite disagreeable to be so prose-
cuted by 'im and his hugly purposals; and it's frequent as I've told him,
yer wushup, as I'm a himpregnible fortress, as is not to be taken by any
sich fellows with their sinuvatin harts. And the other night, yer wushup,
he cum behind me, and 'cos I wouldn't kiss him, he limbed the bonnet
right horf my 'ead." The defendant then flatly accused his fair accuser
of having attempted to overwhelm him with all the artillery of female
fascinations, blandishments, and so forth, and that on one occasion she
positively invited him into her mistress's kitchen to partake of cold boiled
pork and pickled onions; but, knowing that she only asked him in be-
cause her favourite policeman had been shifted to another beat, he de-
clined the honour with disdain. Here the red-haired young lady called
the defendant a "'orrid villain," and a "perjured varmint." At this
juncture the magistrate interposed, dismissed the complaint, and advised
the pair to consult a respectable clergyman as soon as possible.


7N.


JANUARY 26, 1887.


Borrowed from Britain.
["The real interest of Paris, says the Gloe, "is absorbed, not by the German
Army Bill, not with the revolt against Society by M. Duval, but with the development
of "Le Five o'clock" as an institution."]
ALL Paris now is up in arms,
But not because of war's alarms,
And not because they're disarranged,
And want the Government re-changed:
'Tis not because they wish to show
Their valour to some fancied foe-
The reason of their present shock
Is what they call "Le Five o'clock."
This little five o'clock affair,
All a la mode de L'Angleterre,
They fain would institute, to show
That they can make it come il faut.
heir "Five o'clock" would seem to be
Much more renowned for flowers than tea;
Yet good Parisians daily flock
To what they call "Le Five o'clock !"
The costumes that Parisians don,
Whene'er "Le Five o'clock is on,
Would make you stagger with dismay,
So gorgeous and so grand are they.
It is their aim, as some affirm,
To make us five o'clockers squirm,
By the cut and cost of every frock
That's built to suit Le Five o'clock."
"But why not take their tea," you'll say,
"Without this dazzle and display ?
Why spend vast sums on dress so fine,
In which to bow at Souchong's shrine?"
We can but say, 'twas ever thus-
Our Gallic neighbours like a fuss:
P'r'aps soon they'll order to the block
All those who shun "Le Five o'clock."

BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BOOM.


" ARE NOT THESE LARGE ENOUGH ? "-Measurefor Measure,
Act I. Scene 5.


I








JANUARY 26, 1887. FT U-N. 39

i~uN ----


STICKING UP FOR THE HOME STRAIN.
The Captain.-" I WONDER SHODDYBODY YONDER CONDESCENDS TO HUNT OUR PACK. HE TOLD ME TIE OTHER DAY THE
KENNELS WERE LIKE THE COUNTY-WANTED MORE NEW BLOOD."
The Squire.-"THE CHEEKY CAD! AND WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
The Captain.-" ToLD HIM I THOUGHT WE'D ALREADY DRAUGHTED TOO MANY PUPPIES FROM OUTSIDE INTO BOTI."


A Victor-ious Verse.
[According to the Figaro, "A dead set is being made in certain directions at the
son and heir of the Prince of Wales, and week after week it is asserted, with weari-
some reiteration, that Prince Albert Victor is taciturn, glum, vacuous, and so forth,
and so on."]
WHAT a clever world we live in, and how brilliant we all are!
We know a lot (or think we do), and say so, near and far;
Our papers are, especially, great granaries of truth,
And their startling information's all veracity, forsooth.
Now, here's a case in point, which will (we fancy) make you stare,
For, 'tis a "clever" statement re Our Heir Apparent's heir;
He seems a decent youth enough, but, you will see, that some
Regard that prince as "vacuous, and taciturn, and glum."
The cause of this assertion is, that Albert Victor Guelph
Possesses the audacity to e'en respect himself;
And at the mess's so-called jokes he cannot always smile,
And fast and furious revelry is not in A. V.'s style.
He doesn't soak himself in "fizz," or smoke himself half blind;
Though to both these things, in moderation, A. V. may be inclined ;
And so noisy knockabouts opine that Albert V. is "rum,"
Also that he is "vacuous, and taciturn, and glum."

A "Flag"-rant "Wag"-rant.
[Lord Charles Beresford said the other day that the attitude adopted just now by
some who thought the Conservative party was going to be divided, was called in the
Navy "flag-wagging."]
THE gallant tar's expression re "flag-wagging" is a wheeze
Which shows that he behindhand is not lagging;
The cheery Charles not only showeth prowess on the seas,
But "flag-wagging" shows he's not a wag that's flag-ging."

MYSOGONY feeds on want. The man wheu kannot luv iza man wheu
cannot be trusted.-O. E. POTTS.


New Leaves,
The Milanchester Quarterly for January. This quarterly is good on
the whole, and made up of many very excellent pieces, so we shall not
"pick it to bits."-The Era Almanac, conducted by Edward Ledger.
The pleasing peculiarities of this almanac are this year present in more
than ordinary degree. The facsimile letters from actors and actresses
are both interesting and amusing, so are the short stories and sketches.
The information is full and ample, though confined to matters con-
nected with the dramatic and musical professions. It is booked to the
public, but goes to the credit side of the Ledger.-" English Jests and
Anecdotes," "Scottish Jests and Anecdotes," "Irish Jests and Anec-
dotes," "American Jests and Anecdotes" (William Paterson, Edin-
burgh). With these four volumes well in hand, any young man
of a little wit or wisdom might set up as a wit and a wise man-and if
ever at a loss for a good joke-which we never are-need not go far to
find one.
The Christmas number of the San Francisco News Letter comes to
us far over land and far over sea, accompanied by "An Oriental Maiden,"
seemingly of high degree : it is a cleverly-executed print from a very
pleasing picture. There is another large print, setting forth the beauties
of the "Palace Hotel." Scattered through the number are several high-
class wood engravings, intermingled with artful ads. The charms of
the literature we leave to the discovery of our or its readers.


A WARM-HEARTED Salvationist, whose wife died about a month since,
began courting a Happy Eliza" mill-girl immediately after his spouse's
decease. The milk-girl reciprocated his tender attentions. This conduct
so enraged the other daughters of Eve employed at the mill that they
tried to cool the ardour of the loving pair by pelting and rubbing them
with snow. The persecution of these martyrs would make a good
subject for a frieze, which might decorate one of "General" Booth's
halls with advantage.









JFt


40


_, ,' ,:::;' '. .' .

BRILLIANT?
Miss Progshawl.-"In spite of everything, she sticks to her
diamonds."
Mrs. Briggleshill.-" Or, being paste, they stick to her."

A GROWLER!
HE drove a growler. Anyone suspecting him of a hansom must have
been a lunatic. For handsome ought to be who hansom drives.
He wore a tall hat, a hat that had been pitched to keep the weather
out. His face was a beautiful purple, his eyes were almost red. This
some would have said came from exposure, others would have said
"gin," of course; he being a cabman, they must have been in the right.
He paid seven and sixpence for his cab with one horse for the day.
His cab was about as smart as an egg-case that had been kept in the
coal cellar. The horse had about as much flesh on him as the goose one
wins at a tap-room raffle. At eight o'clock of a morning the growler
would be seen coming from the yard.
Who stole his mother's dust-bin and put it on wheels ?"
"What'll yer let us have it for? The kids wants a new hen-house."
"Have yer entered that choice animal for the Chester Cup, Joe ? "
Why don't yer cut his tail off, Joe, and sell him for a pitching table ?"
This was the wit of the hansom drivers as Joe went out of the yard.
But Joe had one friend in the waterman.
Times ain't what they was, Joe, when the young swells would be
druv to Crimorne. Them was the days, Joe; them was the days.
And the Worxhall Gardings, Joe, think o' them; and when there warn't
no Metropolitan with your low threepenny fares."
Then Joe would shake his head and the dust out of his pipe. The
times," he would observe, as he thoughtfully rubbed the tip of his nose
with the end of his cuff, the times is simply 'cussid.' I shall go in
for being a unemployed, and carry a red flag, and start a noospaper."
And Mrs. Joe, who lived with Mr. Joe in one little room in the cab-
yard, she would look out of the window at the clothes-line covered with
anything but spotless garments, that were always flapping and flapping,
for whoever saw a a cab-yard or a coastguard station when clothes were
not hanging out to dry?
"Ah !" she used to say, "us poor growlers 'as a 'ard time on it.
The "ansoms' wives is the oneners as is well orf. Why, that there
slip-body, as is a-drying opposite, 'as her pint o' winkles reg'ler every
evening as if she was my lady duchess."
Then Joe would say, "Never mind, old lady, us has stuck together
this here thirty year, 'spite o' hard times, and shall yet, if our empty
siLumnicks 'I let u. .


A GREAT DRAWBACK.
THsE superiority of the Round Dance over the Square is unques-
tionable. In the former, by the uninterrupted flow of conversation,
acquaintanceship soon ripens into friendship, and friendship into love,
by easy and natural gradation; whereas, in the Square, conversation
is subject to constant interruption; a vital question is met with a
hurried Our turn; and the answer hangs suspended till the severed
meet again. Young Jones is about to declare his undying passion,
when the M.C.'s stentorian Grand Chain !" sends him on his career
alone; and, with the fickleness of man, long ere he returns to his
partner he has fixed his affections elsewhere, and the girl's chance is
gone for ever. Surely the abolition of the Square is worth the con-
sideration of the Round Table.


i;-r- ..-"~%:P4F~=iF~3FUrurr--~-U__ _I_~ --~-- 1-11


rN JANUARY 26, 1887.

But the question was, might not that too much of a vacuum in their
luckless anatomies prove too much for them in the end ?
One day a smart, severe-looking old gentleman accosted Joe.
"You cabmen, he said, "are dreadfully improvident. Look at the
money that you make !"
"I can't look at it," answered Joe, "for I never makes any to look at."
"Tell the truth, sir tell the truth, sir !" and the old gentleman was
extra very much down on Joe. "Look at your overcharging."
"Overcharging I says Joe, why it's only maiden ladies with tabbies
and parrots as would ever take on a 'growler,' and there's nothing like
maiden ladies for cutting' of you down. It's my belief as they passes all
their leisure time a-measurin' up the streets in the map o' London, to be
down on us 'growlers'-they're so uncommon artful."
Don't talk to me, sir," says the old gentleman; there are times
that you almost coin the money that you spend recklessly on drink."
"That's a good 'un !" says Joe. Why, wot with a-takin' accidents
to 'orsepiials, and a-conveying away the small-poxes and fevers from
'em, there's a regler prejerdice agin' us, and we gets no trade at all."
I know full well," says the old gentleman, that you make money,
and at odd times get quite windfalls."
"Years ago," says Joe, "drunkin sailors was good bisness. There
was yer young swells too, like my Lord Wand-Temper, or whatever
his name was, as would 'ire a growler, and 'ave a barrel-orgin played
on the roof, but them times, like the 'evins, is far, far away."
"You are not telling me the truth," says the old gentleman.
A few days after this Mrs. Joe was taken ill.
I must make a bit, anyhow, to-day," says Joe, or the old woman'll
cave in altogether. I must do it."
And that day the snow began to fall heavily. The streets were knee
deep in snow.
And Joe had had but two small fares. And the few pence he had by
him had to be kept for the horse. So Joe had had nothing to eat.
He was out somewhere Battersea way, was Joe, and in a silent by-
road. He had stopped the horse to give it a bit of a rest. He had put
on the nose-bag.
I'll jist git in the cab and have a rest too," says Joe, "somehow I
doesn't feel as cold as I did, nor as hungry neether. Ain't it rum, for it
must be blowin' like knives."
"I feel so sleepy, too." And Joe went to sleep in the cab.
An hour passed by.
"Hullo there," said the police sergeant," pulling open the door, "wake
up, yer know-wake up, yer know, and drive off."
But there was no need for this, for in the kindest way in the world
Mr. Death had mounted the seat and driven Joe off to a land far off,
where no cabs are needed. Frozen dead !



*^2i ""-. I;
r _s*- s








JANUARY 26, x887. 'U I 41

To a Rampant Shakes-
pearite.
I LIKE my Shakespeare quite as
much
As anyone you like to mention,
I love his subtlety of touch,
And venerate his grand invention;
But that's because I've read him
through,
And marked his wit and worth
(or sought to),
And found his metal ringing true-
Andnotbecauseyou say I ought to. I r
I ponder o'er his tender scenes,
And wonder at the thoughts that .
fire him;
But when I don't know what he
means, -
I won't pretend that I admire him. cr
I scorn to place him on a shelf,
And swear that all his views I
hold to; l
I like to form my views myself-
I'll not admire because I'm told to.


And don't you think, at any rate,
It's something very like presump-
tion
For you to cry, "The Bard was
great !"
As if we hadn't any gumption ?
Do you suppose it must be true,
Because of your reiteration ?
And do you think that none but you
Are gifted with discrimination?
Why, who are you, I'd like to know,
To come and tell us he was clever ?
This is a pretty sort of go !
What dashed assurance Well,
I never !
Shakespeare was clever-man nor
miss
Can doubt it; but (the deuce is
in it),
If you keep prosing on like this,
I'll say he wasn't in a minute.

A SPECIAL inquiry shows that
the price of an adult slave in
Morocco varies from 64 to 6 for a
healthy man, and runs up to as much
as 616 for a girl. From all accounts
Morocco is keeping up its reputation
for leather," by the way in which
the Moorish slave-owners "hide"
the wretched bought-and-sold pieces
of humanity who come under their
leather lash.


-z




A ROYAL JEREMY DIDDLER.
H. R. H.-" YOU HAVE ONLY TO PUT YOUR NAME TO THIS MY DEAR, DEAR SIR-A
MERE MATTER OF FORM, AND THE THING IS DONE."


Be Ye (Floury) Ware-y I
[An English contemporary points out that, according to a German ditto, German
potatoes are being bought largely by Hamburg merchants, for the purpose of supply-
mig the English Navy.]
IF German potatoes are now being bought
For our own native Navy's consumption,
That the buyers are not doing quite as they ought,
Is plain to all people of gumption.
'Tis a matter that calls for a lyrical burst,
For a lay a la mode de Tom D'Urfey;
For of all combinations, 'tis really the worst,
This curious Teutonic "Murphy."

Naturally.
MR. and Mrs. Tomlinson were, as usual, "rowing" (to rhyme with
"vowing," not "going"), when Mis. T., thinking to be more bitter
than usual, said, "You are just like the nasty low actors I A pre ty
set they are. Why, we read of them sometimes-and the man is in Aber-
deen and his wife in Dublin. He ore end of the earth, and she the
other."
Mr. T. murmured, "I wish I was an actor 1"


A P. L-ayful Par.
[Trutk asserts that there is a serious split in the Primrose League, and that it will
collapse as speedily as it arose.]
You all must admit
That this "serious split"
Doesn't tend to make Primrose Leagues league-ally cosy,
For, owing to Fate,
The Primrose League's state,
Although unmistakably "prim "-isn't "rose y."


THE mortality among the men employed by the Panama Canal
Company is positively frightful. The parties who p;g out, having
neither friends or money, are called Dumps," because they are dumped
into trenches about two feet deep without any wooden garnimnt to clothe
them. Impecunious young men, whose relations don't love 'em, can
easily find openings at Panama at present.

As most people know, a couple of scullers had a row the other day,
and one rowist broke the other's nose. A correpo.itnt wishes to know
whether the injury would be called a fracture of the skull?


STo CORRESPONDENTS.-Tkh Editor dots not biun himsell to acknowledge, return, or pay /or Contributions. It no case will they be returnd wunsl
accompany~ d oy a stamped and directed nWveltp.


i








42 F U IN JANUARY 26, 1887.


OVERDOING IT.
"TOO MUCH CARE WILL TURN A YOUNG MAN GREY,
AND TOO MUCH CARE WILL TURN AN OLD MAN INTO CLAY."-Old Song.
"CARE KILLED A CAT."-Old Saying.

l A T S T '' 3:3. Amid his musings o'er the coming Session ? Are haunting now his restless mind ?
(SEE CARTOON.) Perchance, when staring at the coal, Who knows
From his brown-study seat What thoughts are those?
WHAT thoughts are those He sees with a perturbed soul At any rate, one may suppose
That tumble in his lordship's head The grim shapes of Defeat, His is no couch of down-
As he sits gazing at the ruddy fire ? Of Censure, and of Resignation; Uneasy feels the head that wears the Premier's
Do future woes, While, standing there crown.
And fancies that engender dread Behind his chair,
Of Party prospects draggled in the mire, Lord Randolph's phantom hints at explanation. A "'HAIL' FELLOW WELL MET."-Jack
Attempt to find expression What forms of evils undefined Frost.

0000******** "TONGA | 00LD MEDAL, LIVERPOOL INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION
S1 O maintains its
0 0 ii reputation
* 0 in the treat- a iI
* aement of lAJ I
*09)********* 8 Neuralgia."
-Lancet.
"Invaluable in facial Neuralgia. gIo BUARANTEED !
proved effective in all those cases in which we PURE AND
have prescribed it."-Medical Press. I rite as smoothly as a lead pencil, and neither scratch nor spuOrt
the Mots being rounded by a new process. SEVEN PRIZ 5
2/9., 4/8., and 11.. Of $all Chemlsts. ME bALS AWoARDED. Ask your Stationer for a pen. LU BL E.
Assorted Sample Box, or send 7 stamps to C. BRANDAUER anE
So.'s PN WVOKs, a BIRMIN HA. tF o ir BZWARE OF IMITATION
I Warehouse, 24 King Edward Street, London, E.C.







FTUN.


(I


LDoy's PROMISE TO D/If\CE,BE SU iE T'
excUSe F osR fO9eTFJLrLESS oNj SULCH


S 'TTE DCE T Tl
/

Nm


ki11 111


(ra)"YWHEI ThE DpjCE IS lIshlED copoJcT C o c E yo T SET & y ThosE ETTEr T'Ols Vv icI VVILL SbcEST ThEy-
SEL\ES T0 EVEIY CULTI \TED llNo I


o)f E L_ OD Ll rOI f /- W 7-
OE TE l y CO COV[M N ThFE U ITEOf, E O rJ or l 01E pi,
Er- fOWEr TO SEClJ-\E THE CiAfplIESS &, EpIjOyFEj Of OTkL 1S. 11E


VDI, XLV,-NO. 1134.


VIE, S pO


~


iirii i ;iI II


-a~










44 FT N. FEBRUARY 2, I887.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
St HE SAVOY. -There is often a
't subtle and indescribable flavour
(so to put it) in the title of a play
S / which mysteriously, but unmis-
takably, suggests to the mind the
value of the work to which it is
attached. Ruddygore is just such
a title, and when I first heard it
(which, as you will guess, was
not so very early in the game) a
cold chill of apprehension went
S through me. Although there was
an underlying suggestion of a good
parody on the titles of the
Mystery of Udolpho style of
old melodrama, there was yet
such a crudeness and roughness
about it as to suggest the author
being in sight of a capital notion
Ce without the luck to get within
reach of it.
7-1
THE SAVOv.-PEG AND CLOTHES-PROP. COULD it be possible that we
were to have a dull play from the
cleverest and most original humorist of the day? Alas it could-it
was. Recalling the effect as a whole, dulness is the verdict. There is
enough fun in it for half-a-dozen ordinary comic operas (I fear that is
rather faint praise, though) ; but, on a Gilbertian standard, it is, as I say,
dull-the fun not being sustained. Not that Mr. Gilbert wasn't himself,
he was, in fact, too much himself, he was himself all over again. He
has borrowed largely from his own works. It would be unfair to call
the bridesmaids (with their quaint raison ld'ire'and comical use) close
relations of the ladies in Trial by fury; but Dame Hannah, the mis-
prized elderly lady with affectionate tendencies; Rose Maybud, the in-
genuous village maid, ever yearning for marriage, and ever turning to
the highest bidder; the wicked young man compelled to turn good;
and the good young man compelled to turn wicked-do we not know
them of old ?

THEN is not the sailor (albeit a funny caricature of the stage sailor)
with his subservience to the dictates of his heart, and his readiness in
sparing foes stronger than himself, but an echo of the "slave of duty,"
and the orphan-sparing pirates, with a dash of the "English-man" in
his first song ? We have also a song which is an echo of one in Thespis,
another which I am told has previously graced a magazine, and the
animated pictures from Ages Ago. And yet, truth to tell, none of these
things would matter a straw, had the subject only been stronger; if
wanting in freshness, their humour is still enjoyable enough, and the
"obvious caricature of theatrical madness," Meg, is clever, and, in her
"tamed" condition, with her decorous version of ballet steps, excrucia-
tingly funny. There is many another laughing point, too--ace Lely's
hornpipe-and more than one beauty-spot of tender prettiness; but the
fault lies in the backbone of the piece, which isn't strong enough to hold it.

WHEN it comes to technical matters, there isn't a fault to be found.


THE SAVOY.-THE TIMID ROBIN AND THE GOOD PLUCKED ROSE.

Mr. Gilbert triumphs with easy assurance over all the difficulties of
rhyme and rhythm; he seems to delight in going at the most difficult


fences he can find, clearing them with delightful grace and ease, or
" breaking a rail" with splendid audacity and forcing his way through,
as, for instance, when he insists on rhyming "Adam" to "valley de
sham." In the music, too, Sir Arthur has surpassed himself: there's a
madrigal in the first act which I could listen to almost for ever, meal
times included. The dresses are magnificent and interesting, and the
two scenes as elaborate as may be.

THERE isn't much to be said of the performers which frequenters of
this theatre will not guess at beforehand. Mr. Grossmith is quaint,
comical within limits, and a great favourite; Mr. Lely is smiling (ex-
cept when under the anxiety of a seemingly unaccustomed hornpipe),
light-tenored and amateurish; Mr. Rutland Barrington, stolid, lip-
vocal; Mr. Richard Temple, a splendid bass. The three principal ladies
are first-class from a singing point of view-Miss Brandram taking first
prize, perhaps; Miss Braham, chained to sadness when speaking Mr.
Gilbert's lines, slightly affected, charming generally; Miss Bond, quirky,
piquant, not without a suspicion of "self fancy;" the chorus precise,
well-drilled, graceful.

THE ROYALTY.--Modern Wives-not a striking title exactly-Mr.
Warren's version of M. Albin Valabreque's Le Bonheur Conjugal, was
received with "every token of approval" here on its first production,
and subsequent audiences have (I hear) occupied themselves in endorsing
this verdict. The programme doesn't "give it a name," but it begins
comedy-very pleasant comedy-and ends farce-right down, rollicking
impossible farce-and you sit and roar all the time. Mr. Warren seems


THE ROVALTY.-MISS ATHERTON TRYING TO LOOK V,GLV, BUT-HA I HA !-
SHE CANT.

to have done his work extra well, and seems likely to reap his reward.
Some folks say the acting is remarkably good, but I don't think so
myself; it is fair enough-" 'twill undoubtedly serve "-but, except
for the capital comedy of Miss Atherton, the inventive and ready, yet
not over-charged farce of Mr. Edouin, a clever bit of "old woman"
character by Miss E. Brunton, and a promising representation of an
inginue by Miss Eva Wilson, it is very ordinary. Mr. Lytton Sothern
is monotonous and hard, Miss Olga Brandon has little or no chance,
and Mr. France acts without point. However, it is well worth the
visit I am sure you are going to make to see it.

NODS AND WINKS.-They say that Mr. Harris is trying for Covent
Garden next year as a pantomime ground. He can't get any more on
to the Drury Lane stage, I suppose, so, as he intends to "'surpass himself"
next year as usual, he is forced to seek more space. Or is it a desire to
cut the ground under the feet of possible rivalry ?-I see an announce-
ment that The Chicago News Letter has removed its head-quarters away
from this "capital of the West" to the chief city of the States. This
is as it should be. The News Letter, which, for its paper, printing, and
general reliable intelligence, is immeasurably superior to any other
theatrical journal published in America, ought most assuredly to have
the centre of its operations in New York.-It seems generally admitted
that Miss Grace Hawthorne has taken the Princess's for a considerable
period. Is it possible that Mr. Barrett is such a go in America that he
is never coming back ?-Mrs. Langtry will have no season in London
this year. We shall not escape Mary Anderson, however.-Clancarly
is to be revived at the St. James's soon. Hooray !-Mr. P. Stephens
will be the director of Mr. Hollingshead's new theatre, which, they say,
will be called The Jubilee, and open in November. NESTOR.


L









IFUN.


FEBRUARY 2, 1887.


A FEET-URE.
Old Beau (to Young Belle).-" Isn't it delightful to see so many
tripping on the light fantastic?"
Young Belle (smartingfrom being recently trodden upon).-" Well,
some of the feet here are fantastic enough, but they are anything but
light."


Late Dinners.
[It is whispered abroad that 9.45 is to be the ducal dinner-hour of the future.]
IT is said that "Society folk now incline
To alter the hour when they properly dine,
And people of title 'tis thought will contrive
To order their dinners for nine-forty-five.
"Society" always was prone to dine late,
Because towards nightfall it feels more en fte;
But this new ducal dinner-hour-will it survive?
Fancy starting your dinner at nine-forty-five !
Later and later the Quality go
To ball, or to rout, or to theatre-show-
By midnight they'll now at the play-house arrive,
If they don't commence dinner till nine-forty-five.
But the belles and the swells, whose intense daily task
Is to carefully dress, at big banquets to bask,
Will thus have more time with their dress-clothes to strive
When they're not due to dine until nine-forty-five.
At midnight, no doubt, they'll soon dine, many say-
Or each dinner they e'en may put off till next day;
They must have these changes to keep them alive,
And hence this arrangement for nine-forty-five.


Cheap.
IT was at a West-End theatre, a heavy-looking swell strolled to the
stall pay-box and said, "One." Seven-and-six, sir," said the money-
taker. "What?" said H. L. S. "Seven-and-six Why, I can go
to Regent's Park on a Sunday, sit in a chair, hear the band, and enjoy
the fresh air too, for a penny. Good evening !" And the H. L. S. left
the lobby.


Cupid and the Avenger.
[A daily paper relates, that as a young man was walking In the Luxemburg Gardens
with a young lady, he suddenly changed colour, as an irate and elderly female bran-
dished a stout umbrella and barred their progress. She brought the umbrella down
on the head of the young man, who explained to his companion that the old lady was
-but see below.]
HE was a gay Lothario,
An artless maid was she,
And he has placed around her waist,
His arm most lovinglee.
He swore her eyes were like twin stars,
Her lips-he stopped, and with alarm
She saw his face white as the lace
That hung from her fair arm.
He looked to right, he looked to left,
He turned him as to flee,
Fear held him fast, with looks aghast,
His Nemesis saw he.
She grasped him firm while from her lips
The wordy torrent poured :
The avenging gampp his love did damp,
Ho I ho the people roared.
His Hebe gazes with surprise,
Fear marked upon each feature,
Of Nemesis asks what's amiss,
Who only answers creature !"
She turns and asks her tortured swain,
With voice which tears will smother,
Who this may be-this dreadful she,
He says, 'Tis my wife's mother I"

Men and Things.
OF all artificers naval engineers are maybe the most expert. They
are accustomed to turn out work ship-shape."
As to comestibles, it is a patent fact that good butter is scarce, but
pure sugar is deme-rarer.

BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WVELL ON THE
BooM.



.

1r, "I


,"


-2-








"THOU HAST GOT MORE HAIR ON THY CHIN THAN DOBBIN,
MY PHILL HORSE, HAS ON HIS TAIL."-Merchant of Tenice, Act II.
Scene 2.


~- ----_


- -


I









THE NEW SIX-DAY WEEK,-(FOR THE USE OF LANDLADIES AND MAGISTRATES.)
[A GETLEMAN stated at a police-court that on a Tuesday he had given a week's notice of his intention to quit his apartments'; but that, on the following Tuesday, the
landlady refused to let his goods go without another week's rent. The M israte here are not two Tuesdays in one we If yo give notice on a Tuesday
is a very nice point whether you ought not to be out by the following Monday. In law there is no rart oa ay."]


Wha's this ma'am said our friend, Putter Ponn, to his landlady. "A bill for two weeks' rent, and I only came yesterday I "He I he I" replied the land-
lady You see you didn't menion whether you would pay the two pounds per week by the Imperial Week or the Reputed Week. We call twelve hours a reputed
week; so that'll be four pounds, please; and two weeks' gas, at eighteenpence per week, four-and-six, and-"



N,


Wll, you see," remarked the magistrate: "you went in late in the day; and, as the law does not recognize a partofaday, it maybe anything, and is probably,
in a legal sense, a week. Very good, that week being done with, the next day commences a new week; and it is a very nice point whether, by commencing a week,
that day does not actually constitute a week."


'rl ( I''--l-




"I have it, your Worship I" screamed poor Ponn. I didn't agree to pay in Imperial Pounds-so I'll pay in Reputed Pounds-threepence halfpenny--"
C How dare you make a suggestion so illegally immoral?" said his Worship. Such a course as you suggest would open the door to all kinds of fraud. Our laws,
sir, are wisely framed in the interests of a Great Commercial Community, and cannot permit fraud-er-that is on the part of the customer."






II 1' TJU N .-FEBRUARY 2, 1887.


"WILLING."
Lord S. (assisted by Mr. Smith).-" ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO, MY DEAR SIR, IS TO KEEP YOUR MIND A PERFECT
BLANK, WE'LL THINK FOR YOU."--ide QUEEN'S SPEECH.








48 FU N FEBRUARY 2, 1887.


"GIT IN ENNYWHEREI" OR, EDUCATING
THE MASSES.
A Study of the Progress of the Humbler Orders under the Tuition of our
Railway Companies, as set forth in Letters from a Member of the
said Orders. One Vol.
LETTER I.-(A Year or Two Ago.)
RESPECTED MISTER EDDITER,-Excuse me begin' a little bit of
your valuable
space for to
make a sort of
explain action.
SHavin' heard
many com-
L plaints from
gentlefolks as to
the crammin' of
second and third
clarsers into fust
clarse along o'
them, and also
reading several
letters on the
subjeck in the
papers, I make
bold to write a
line jest to say
as it really ain't
no fault of mine
as likes and wishes to keep my place, and not aski med of it neither.
'Aving bin severely times to the Heltherys, and likewise takin' the
missus and the kids on some of the penny days (which was about every
day in the week), I may be sed to have studied the subject. Well,
Mr. Edditer, when the train comes up it is my custom for to look out
for a third clarse, a-saying to myself, "When a party pays for first
clarse, is it fair as he should be crowded up with parties as hasn't like-
wise so, and p'r'aps kep' out of his own clarse altogether? No," ses I.
Then up 'ud come a porter or a gard, and he'd say, "Wot clarse?
Third? Oh, git in ennywhere." "But," ses I, the first once or twice,
" there's plenty o' room in the third. Oh, is there?" ses he. "All
serene ; it don't make no odds-right And he shoves me in a second,
being 'andier and less trouble, I s'pose.
Well, Mr. Edditer, I felt a bit uncomfortable and sheepish like, as if
intrudin'. There was several nice-drest ladys in the carrage, and my
boots was certin'y rather thick and muddey, not to mention a smell o'
stale shag through a-keepin' my pipe always loose in my pocket, and my
'ands as couldn't be got clean : so them gentlefolks as reads this '11 know
as it ain't no fault o' mine, from Yours respectful,
W. HODDS.

LETTER II.-(Last Year.)
'DEAR MR. EDDITER,-I fancy I'm a-getting a bit used to a-ridin'
with folks as don't want me, though agen the grain at first.
As the gards and porters on most of the lines o' rail always seem kind
of a bit hurt when they invited me to git in ennywhere, and I didn't
acksept their orfer, it seemed to me as if it was a leetle unkind for to, as
you might say, slight 'em; so ses 1 to myself, I s'pose as the railway
comp'nys bein' educated, which I ain't, they knows best what's right," I
ses, "and what's the:use o; flingin' away a good orfer ? "
So now I jest
gits in a second
clarse habituel
without waiting'
for to be invit-
ed; not speak-
in' of when I'm
a-goin' to work
with my dirty
cloes on, of
course; but only
when I'm a-
goin' to the Co-
lindarys or that
kind o' thing.
Some o' the sec-
'e-'--- / cond clarsers
objects at times;
but I brazens it
out and puts on
a bit o' side;
and then they shuts hup.-Yours truly, W. HODDS.
P.S.-I ree-open this to say as how to-day I was invited to git in a


first clarse, which I done, and wery nice and comf'table, and shall patter-
nize that clarse now and then.

LETTER III.-(Tlis Year.)
DEAR EDDITER,-I had a bit o' scroople about gittin' into a first
clarse (or even a second at first) in my corderoys, and what with the
lime and things all ever my coat; but one easy gits used to things as is
awquard at first, so now I always gits in a first wen there's room, and
sometimes wen there ain't. Of corse, wen I sees a lady in a lite silk
dress I don't go an' plump down on her skerts exackly; but I must say
as I don't see why-(seein' as the company don't see why, as knows
better than me)-why I ain't got as much rite there as she 'as; and of
corse it's all owin' to my ft rbarance as I don't set on her, d'ye see?
Yours, W. HODDS.

LETTER IV.-(Later this Year.)
HERE, YOU EDDITER,-I've been a-thinking some time past as there's
a deal o' trooth in what the papers is always a-saying about them
poppuler shows and exybitions-wich I allude to there exorcising a
civilising influence on the multetude by bringing' clarse into contack with
clarse, meaning first, second, and therd. There's a levellin'-up ten-
dancy too, which, as the papers says, is always a thing for to be desired.
They has also a tendency to make a feller git used to feeling' at home
in any sorsiety into which he may be throne, and a-rubbin' orf that back-
werdness and timmidditty which carracter izes the Inglish Race.
I travels ferst clarse now habittuel, jest as much as ennybody as is
drest in brord clorth and pays for ferst, exception' as I don't do that; but
why-(as the railway comp'nys evidently thinks, as knows better than
me)-shoulddent I travel ferst jest as much as folks as has paid for it ?
Whot's more, I puts my muddey boots on the kushens jest to show
I'm as much at ease as the gents, that bein' there custom likewise; and
I smokes in enny carrage were I may happenn to be.
Sometimes the swells complanes, and then I knows my corse well
ennuff; I don't stand much o' that sort o' cheek, but I calls the gard,
known' as the gard'll refuse for to border me out; and, wot's more, 'ull
be rood to the swells if they insists on it, and'll tell 'em they'd better
find another carridge if they ain't comfortable.
Sometimes me and a lot o' my mates we fills up the first clarses and
keeps the swells out, and then it's great fun to 'ear the porters tell 'em
as they can either go therd (were there's plenty o' room), or wate for
the next train, rite forward Then some times they appeels to the
station-master; and he says, says he, "I can't 'elp it, we must make
room for everybody, and folks mustent be toopertickler. Git in enny-
where."
Then some o' the swells, as I've heardd 'em relating, even writes to
the company about it; but the only answer they gets is:--"Who
cares ? You ain't got no legal remedy, and we can doo as we likes
whether you 'ave got a season ticket or not. Git in ennywhere, that's
your plan." Yours condescending,
WOTSTHER HODDS,


HEAVY ARTILLERY.
M-r. Ryclip (who fears a European War will damage his business).
-" If war does break out, what's the best thing I could do for the
good of the firm, do you think?"
Mr. Squelchdingle.-" Get in front of the biggest cannon you can
find, just before they fire it, I should say."








FEBRUARY 2, I887. FUi' N 49


THE JUBILEE.
Mr. Bull.-" BUT I THOUGHT THERE WAS A JUBILEE PARTY HERE."
Royal _eames.-"WELL SIR, YOU SEE, SIR, JUBILEE PARTIES IS EXPENSIVE, AND HER MAJESTY IS A-KEEPING OF HER JUBILEE
BY HERSELF IN THE BACK PARLOUR."


New Leaves.
"AIR-BUILT CASTLES," translated by Mrs. Pauli from the Spanish of
Fernan Caballero (London Literary Society). There is an "air" of
superiority about these tenderly-told stories from the Spanish," which
Mrs. Pauli has sweetly rendered into English.-" The Battle off
Worthing," by a captain in the Royal Navy (London Literary Society).
This so-called prophecy, related as a series of past events, may be regarded
(if it is worthy of being regarded) as unlikely to come true.-" Snowdon
out of Season," by Jacques Stafford (E. W. Allen). Though not very
perfect as a poetical adventure, this is so far a successful attempt to afford
amusement, that the effort need not be Snow'd-on.-" How Grows in
Paradise Our Store," by Henry D. Nihill. This letter to a friend, from


the Vicar of St. Michael's, Shoreditch, gives an account-a good account
-of the work of "The Sisters of the Poor" (as Sisters of the Poor
they might be called) of the help they give, and the help they need.
Attend, then, to these noble Sisters' needs, Whose kindly natures bring
them to your door, Who aid the suffering poor by blessed deeds- Then
give relief, and heaven will bless your store.
"The Language of Flowers." This is a graceful little "boudoir
calendar," issued with compliments by Mr. Thomas Beecham, the
proprietor of "Beecham's Pills-a Wonderful Medicine." When
on the sea of life men sail, To save their lives we teach 'em; And
if the barques of health should fail, Or wives or bairns look wan and
pale, We then say "Beech-am."









FUNB J~O


FEBRUARY 2, 1887.


KNICKKNACKS.
IT seems that an energetic contingent of the German army is already
comfortably located in Paris. About 1o,ooo young men belonging to
the military force of the Fa-
therland are occupying various
positions there. They work
for almostt nodthings adt
all," and live on a trifle less;
they pull sour faces at pleasant
/ idlers, and treat the soubrettes
with Calvinistic scorn; they
blow puffs of the vilest home-
.grown tobacco in the faces of
ladies, and are brutally brusque
'" # when replying to a civil ques-
Stion. In fact, they are gall
to the Gaul.
THE rumour that Lord
\ Randolph Churchill and Mr.
Henry Chaplin are to fight a
duel on the top of Parliament
Hill, Hampstead, with re-
peating rifles, is now generally
opined to be totally devoid of
foundation; while the report
that they are to engage in a slanging match in the tap-room of an East-
end public house for 200 a side, with four eminent 'bus-conductors as
seconds, and a distinguished bargee as referee, is totally false.

LAST week a man interviewed a magistrate, and complained about
his "ribs." Hie mentioned that his wife had thrown a flat-iron at him
which broke and detached one of his side-bones, and he wished to have
a separation from the lady in consequence. I suppose you desire me
to detach another rib,'" warbled the "beak." "That's so," moaned
the sufferer. "Take out a summons, if you care to do so," remarked
the magistrate ; but I'm afraid I shall not be able to operate success-
fully in your case. Never mind I'll do my best to bandage you up."
The applicant left the court looking as if he minded heavily.

SotME time ago a male party was rash enough to charge a young
woman with stealing his umbrella, she in turn brought an action for
slander against him, and won the case, with trifling damages. Not con-
sidering the compensation awarded sufficient, she went for a new trial,
and again gained the day, more substantial damages being adjudged,
which the unlucky loser of the fatal gamp failed to pay. Then came
brokers on the field of action. Petitions for interdicts, wild complica-
tions as to the real ownership of property in the shape of cows, tooth-
brushes, candlesticks, sheep, nutmeg-graters, and feeding-bottles
followed. An application or two for ccssio bonorum, a refusal or two for
cessio bonorum, and removals of furniture outside the jurisdiction of the
court, raised general uncertainty all round. Ruin stares the legitimate
owner of the deadly umbrella in the face, however, and he cusses its
handle, frame, and cover most consummately.

A SQUAT figure of the male persuasion, whose countenance and gait
bespoke his approach to a whisky fever, curvetted into a police-court the
other day and asked the presiding magistrate's advice. Assuming a
most inflexible sternness of aspect, he said, Please yer washup, me and
that thief, Joe Scrivens, as is well knowed in this 'ere court, prigged a
genleman's portmancher this morning and the darned thief Joe Scrivens
hev cut his stick with what he melted the portmancher into, and I'll hev
justice on him "What's your name ?" said his washup. "They
calls me Softy," replied the squat figure. "Have you any regular em-
ployment at all ?" continued his washup. "No sir," replied the appli-
cant; but I offing gets a odd job horf of the known' coves in the crib-
crackin' lay to carry their tools, rope-ladders, hetcetera." "The police
will be kind enough to detain you in custody, Softy, till Joseph is found,"
warbled his washup, blandly. This was an arrangement that Softy had
evidently not calculated on, and he was led out of court apparently both
astonished and disgusted at the result of his application. "There ain't
no justice for a poor man in Hingland," he muttered to the gaoler.

A LARGE number of Kentish fruit-growers have grubbed up their
orchards, finding that the absurdly low prices they have been obliged to
accept of late for their wares would barely provide them with "grub."

ONE Mrs. Joseph Belcher, of Seven Dials, recently wrote to the editor
of a Society" paper, asking him to publish the notice of a select dinner-
party given on the third anniversary of her release from gaol. The
editor replied that he must draw the line somewhere, and he drew it at
Mrs. B.


THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.


THURSDAY, 27th January.-Surely jubilation, like charity, should
begin at home, and Her Most Gracious Majesty would have well cele-
brated her Jubilee Year by opening this second session of her twelfth
Parliament in person and in state.
Hardinge Stanley reads the Royal Speech majestically, looking, if
possible, podgier, and happier, and ruddier than ever-that article
almost as misty as the atmosphere. Parnellites jubilant because at
Liverpool the Exchange has proved to them no robbery. Later on,
Lords agree to Address to the Crown, earnestly moved by Erne. Pity
the address of the Crown isn't moved to Buckingham Palace. Randy
rampant. Tenderly relates why he tendered his resignation, and
Ministers accept ditto cum ditto. Henceforward old song to be varied
to "By Studying Economy I Live Like Lord Randolph." Address
debated-principal Plan of Ministry, counterplan to Plan of Campaign.

BLOGGS, who came home "weak-jointed" the other night, and tried
to re-light his cigar with te flashing light of his bride's eyes, told his
dearest chum next morning that he didn't think he had made altogether
a good match of it.


EASY SETTLEMENT.
Mrs. Hilks.-" I regard these things as matters wholly between
me and my Conscience."
Mrs. Childucker.-" Ah I wish I could settle with my Creditors
on the same terms."


50


__I_


_ __ ___ __








F UN.


FEBRUARY 2, x887.


WARRING!
I'VE just come from the Continent. A nice time I've had of it. Do
you think I care about cheap tables d'h6te and bad claret? Not I. I'm
not much of a hand at lingo, and a good job too. I don't want to talk
to every cabbage cigar-smoking idiot in a fur coat. I prefer to keep
myself to myself, I do. And what are they all talking about ? Why,
war I Every place is full of hard-drinking, pipe-smoking warriors on
twopence a day. Why, even in Belgium-where I've come from-
they're all mad on it. Everybody's reading cheap little rags of patriotic
journals. The Belgians are going to defend their frontier. I'm sick of
the name of frontiers, scientific or what not. Who wants frontiers, I
should like to know ?-at anyrate, if they've got to take care of them.
And the Belgians want to fight, too, with their little tin-pot army.
Bah I say, Bah One hears nothing on the Continent now but
about General Boulanger. He's got such an army, and he's going to
massacre the Germans. I don't care much about that. They're a
wretched, sausage-eating, beer-drinking, spectacle-wearing, brass band-
playing, underselling lot. They're only fit to supply us with brass bands
and cheap oleographs.
As to the French. Well I've lived in France a great deal, worse
luck. Do I like the French ? No, I don't like the French. They're
all full of swagger and domino-playing, always twisting their moustaches
and never washing themselves. If they all came to a bad end I shouldn't
mind. I was over at Boulogne when they brought in the body of
Marshal St. Arnaud from the Crimea, and they celebrated the event by
firing salutes and smashing all the windows on the quay. That shows
the sort of people the French are. How can you believe in a people
that drink absinthe? Why, I would as lief think of swallowing
paraffin. All that France is good for is cheap tobacco that you can't
smoke, and cheap brandy that you can't drink. All that Germany's
good for is beastly beer flavoured with garlic. I don't want to have
anything to do with the nations of the earth, I don't. If England could
be stuck in the middle of the Atlantic I should like it all the better. If
the French and the Germans can't tackle two hours of sea-sickness,
they'd never be able to do with four days. That would keep them from
coming here, that would And a very splendid thing too. If all the
foreigners on earth would put an end to each other, the better. I had
a bad passage back, and my liver is bad ? Of course it is.
DIOGENES TUBBS.


THE Archdeacon of Kokstad, Kaffraria, states that the price of a wife
among the Kaffirs used to be five head of cattle, or, 25 ; but, owing to
the fall in the price of cattle, wives are much cheaper just at the present
time. Here's a chance for well-to-do wife beaters who enjoy the sport
of whacking the softer sex.


-- --~ !-
------. --
- --



MORE IMPROVERS! I
(A SKETCH DURING THE LATE SNOWSTORMS-REALLY VERY
LITTLE IMPROVED.)


A Cheerful Companion to the
Calendar.
FEBRUARY-(FIRST HALF.)
Ist. DON'T shoot a partridge or a pheasant
After to-day, for if you do,
Theconsequence may be unpleasant,
Not to the bird alone, but you.
2nd, To-day's the day of Candlemas,
Some do, some don't, make light of it,
In getting drunk the day some pass,
Some sober keep in spite of it.
3rd. As "Mr. Smith," in forty-eight,
KingLouis Philippe, thoughnocraven,
Prefer'd this day to throne and state
A little snug inn at Newhaven.
4th. In eighteen-fourteen on the Thames,
A fair was fairly held, 'tis boasted,
The ice so thick it mocked the flames
In which an ox was nicely roasted.
5th. Thomas Carlyle, whomsome smart goose
Dubbed "sage of Chelsea," this day
died ;
Some Philistines, with rev'rence loose,
Say he'd less wisdom far than pride.
6th. Gay Charles the Second, whom it cost
No end of trouble to "restore,"
Resign'd his life-and England lost
A king she could have spared before.
7th. This day poor Mary, Queen of Scots,
Became the cruel headsman's prey,


With Rizzio and sundry plots,
She'd lost her head ere that, some say.
8th. This day, remember, ,is Half-Quarter
Day,
When-as, perhaps, you already well
know-
The law cannot hinder you offering to pay
The half of a quarter of all you owe.
9th. Lord Darnley's death suggests, I ween,
This moral: Don't drain pleasure's
cup,
Nor wed and slight a beauteous queen,
Or look to get a blowing up.

Ioth. Her Gracious Majesty was wed
For love, this day in eighteen-forty;
When sorrow came it bowed a head
Which many joys had not made
haughty.
Ilth. George Washington was born this day,
And, if you are a noodle,
You'll yell out "Hail Colum-bi-a !"
And ditto, "Yankee Doodle I"

12th. This day was born the being bright,
Whose pen here shows its brilliant
praxis,
The world was thrill'd with strange
delight,
That nearly shook it from its axis.

13th. The Glencoe massacre, this day
Was done, historians relate,


Quite in the "good old-fashioned way"
Some people so much venerate.

14th. Day to Saint Valentine dedicate-
The making of Saints was often
tricky,
As the patron of dickey-birds going to
mate,
His saintship may hold; for the rest,
it's "all dickey."


A Christmas Episode.
ALL the guests but myselt were seated round
the table, and I had but just left it.
While passing through the passage where
hung the coats and hats, I felt one of the
pockets of a coat brushing rather heavily
against my elbow, and I took from that pocket
a bottle of champagne that I recognized as
being one brought up to the table an hour be-
fore.
A pretty mean thing to do, accepting a
man's hospitality and then stealing his wine I
But what was my astonishment at hearing,
as the guests were departing, old Shabbiman
say, as he discovered his coat-pocket to be
minus the bottle-
What I That bottle's gone I I never see
such a lot o' thieves as there is 'ere, in my life "


MOTTO FOR THE CONGO EXPLORER.-
"On, Stanley, on !"


S To CORlESPONDBNTS.-TAh Editor doi not lind.himsel/ to acknowledge, return, or pay or Contributions. In no case will they be retunud unlau
acomepanied by a stam/4d and directed envekW1.


_ ___~


~_~
--~--


I






52 F TU N FEBRUARY 2. 1887.


1 sl~ a o.'s
~ ~' 'II
C'u~o


3ooa,-/ooAg an h0vYr ~ r e Illfa
a 0 -e aarr~ 6~a~pjb~, i


11 11 I I I i 1

Oh .!i-no. lt's on be 01,1he lb;ee! -


JUBILEE FEVER.
EVERYTHING THAT IS DONE NOW-A-DAYS IS DONE ALL FOR THE JUBILEE. THE VERY "GUTTER MERCHANTS" SELL "JUBILEE"
CHESTNUTS OR "JUBILEE" MONKEYS-ON-A-STICK.
c I L I 1I GT-. Johnny Bull, who's quite surprising (In which case, of course they'll let him)
(SEE CARTOON.) In his easy-going zest Is an open question still;
For experimentalizing, For this game is most misleading,
THERE'S a game, which I would mention, Takes his turn like all the rest; And engenders a complaint ,
Where a man with blindfold eyes And at present he's embarking That, though often 'tis succeeding,
To discover your intention, On this risky pastime with It occasionally ain't.
And to execute it tries. Two who may be bent on larking-
Say, that he's to touch a shilling, The P. M. and Mr. Smith. READY SHORTLY.
Find a pin, or move a chair; W O C H R M S
And this game is known as "Willing," Whether somehow they can get him C A S
As you're probably aware. To divine and do their will A R T H U R T. P A S


Cadbury's
GUARANTEED I
PURE AND Co a
SOLUBLE. ocoa
BEWARE OF IMITATION.


As6 ba d ia s a e o nsod


I
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press,lHigh Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
f Wednesday, February 2nd, 1887.






FEBRUARY 9, rS87. IF U N.T 53
I-


f i ,. I


SAID OAE.-.,lD


I '-


! orfor -ME WViJy ITs / REE


A VALENTINE BOOMERANG.

VOL. XLV.-NO. 1135.









54 IF TN FEBRUARY 9, 1887.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THERE have been no new plays produced during the last week, but we
have had three matinies. Miss Carry Hope (was it cynicism or prudence

!- I ,-:.'\


THE GLOBE.-THE LODGER'S."

that induced her parents to nullify the cheerful influence of her surname
by tacking "miss-carry" on to it?) obliged on Tuesday, at the Opera
Comique, with Long Odds, a posthumous play by Mr. Conway
Edwards. I was not present, but it is only in a spirit of enquiry that I
remark, "What's the Odds?" The second event was the appearance
of Miss de Grey, at the Criterion, in After Long Years, a piece cf
rather ordinary type, by Mr. Arthur Law, with which the lady has
been touring in the provinces (if the Daily News will allow me to
call them so). The play has nothing to do with the awakening of
Bottom and Weaver, as its title might distantly suggest to a professional
punster. The author seems in some anxiety lest his work be mistaken
for Harvest-he might as well be apprehensive of its being confused
with Engaged.

THE third matinle took place on Thursday at the Strand, and had for
its originator Miss Agnes Hewett, one of those young ladies who appear
to take pleasure in such of the old comedies as permit of their assuming
picturesque male attire of a pre-trouser period. It is a predilection which
has its advantages, inasmuch as the lady has all the prestige of a comedy
actress, with all the advantages of physical display appertaining to the
" page boy of burlesque and pantomime. Miss Hewett is a reasonably
good young actress, and the chances of her becoming a markedly good
one are in her favour; but at present she is largely lacking in experience,
and well supplied with crudeness and inadequacy.

Dandy Dick, at the Court, s said to have taken up the running tre-


" HER MAJBSTY THE QUEEN HAS COMMANDED MRS. KENDAL TO APPEAR, ETC.
Widely circulated par. A PROSPECT" OF "HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN COM-
MANDING MRS. KENDAL TO APPEAR," ETC.
mendously, but as I hope to see it shortly I reserve fuller discussion of
his points till I've run my eye over him.


NODS AND WINKS.-Mrs. Kendal, with Mr. Kendal in tow, was
commanded to Osborne to play Uncle's Will. This is a Royal and well-
deserved compliment to Mrs. Kendal, but it seems just a little unkind
not to have included Mr. Hare, when there is such a nice little old man's
part for him in the comedietta. By-the-way, I wonder who played the
part-retainer Cathcart ?-A contemporary says that Mr. Augustus
Harris is to be knighted this year, and just the man who ought to be."
In the name of ordinary sanity, why? But I don't believe there exists
the authorized "knight-maker" who would do it.-It is a touching
picture, that of the jaunty return of the Oxford Street Antinous, big
with the delight of coming home again, only to find another in possession
of that home, and he without place to put his foot and dollar-laden bag.
But I fear 'tis but a pretty conceit of imagination all compact-the
surprise, I mean. I believe Mr. Barrett has his plans. Plans-ah !-
but no more. You wait and see.-Mr. Edwin Drew announces his
second Dickens Celebration." It will be held in the Banqueting
Room, St. James's Hall, this (Tuesday) evening at eight o clock, and
consist of a Dickensian Musical and Dramatic Entertainment. "-Miss
Eweretta Lawrence gives a matinee on Thursday with "something
new."-Miss Mary Anderson starts on a provincial tour on the Ilth of
April with Mr. C. J. Abud as guide.

HERR and Madame Hans Gruber, "Champion Zither and 2Eolian
Violin Virtuosi," have been delighting folks at the Japanese Village with
their concerts.

THEY are going to have a horse show at Olympia, in May next, on a
vast scale. The locale possesses every possible advantage-the oppor-
tunity of sending horses from any part of the kingdom direct to the doors


THE WANDEERER'S RETURN.

of the Hall being especially valuable-and no doubt the show will be
the completest thing of its kind ever attempted. The directors propose
calling it a Jubilee Show, or something of that sort, but I expect it
would have been held just the same had there been no Jubilee to taint
our every moment just at present.-The Churchwarden is such a tre-
mendous success at the Olympic that Mr. Terry has extended his lease to
Easter. On Easter Monday The Golden Band, by Messrs. H. Herman and
Freeman Wills, will commence to play. Miss Hawthorne is playing in
Heartsease every Wednesday afternoon with (her manager informs me)
remarkable success in every way.

THAT Lady Clancarty is to succeed The Hobby Horse at the St.
James's is good news; a good, sound, dramatic piece of the kind will
be a refreshing novelty. NESTOR.


A KANSAS magistrate recently fined an inebriate twelve dollars for
indulging too heavily in snifters." As the bosky one had no cash
handy, the accommodative "beak consented to square accounts by
taking out the penalty in a pound of tapioca, a copy of Uncle Tom's
Cabin," a liver-pad, four mustard leaves, twelve cheese plates, an um-
brella, five packets of beeswax, a gallon of rye-whisky, and forty-eight
Spanish onions.

A CORRESPONDENT states that girls are as scarce in Iowa as hens'
teeth, and calculates that a few loads shipped over from Ireland would
be carted into a species of earthly paradise where no woman need fear a
wolloping oftener than once a week.


P i_____








FERUAY 9,
FEBRUARY 9, I!


I Aik


SS7.


:PUN.


7 fE HAO BEEN
SAVIWNf UP TO
PURCHASE FOR
* r 9" A
U VALENTINE
SORTiY OF
HI/5 L-o


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I ACRNOHCO~MA A
VA'T H, vs ri
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). ;~~ III!,;I I, .1HAVE 55C


C.0 AT YOUR
WOVTrT PRETTY VALETlNE NEED/
Y').y I NEVER HAO SUCH A rN~,N ,N MY











rUl 0,T SHE HAD
RECerVED THIS ONE T7AT %ERY AYORIIV*Nq


PRETTY ONE LEFT TCYOU ANVO YOU XAMS CARS HAy TAKEN
EVEriYTld/rv FROM ME mUT T0oSe ABOAfHATIONS 7HeERE ,"


VOINg TO LOASTE My
MONEY O0t VAtLENrTN TRASN! 1 OBEVI HERI
A SET OF SAUCEPANSE RHE.'yI COME
rAv USEFUL/ WHEN WE ARE MA RIEDO !


JOTTINGS ON VA]


Poltwattle's First Valentine.
OF course it is possible that Poltwattle may live till he is one hundred
years old, but it is very improbable. But if he does, he will never forget
his first valentine.
Poltwattle went every Thursday evening to a dancing academy-
white cotton gloves for gentlemen, and mittens for ladies, indispensable.
There Poltwattle met his fate-as he thought it then. She had a
complexion fair as cygnet's down,
"Eyes like diamonds, teeth like'pearls1
In fact, she was most beautiful of girls
{a little couplet from the valentine in question, except that for she
was," read you are ").
Why should I disguise the fact I am Poltwattle myself? So, as the man
in the play says, "Off-off disguise." Peter Poltwattle is himself again I
I was getting twenty shillings a week at the time, and although I was
twenty-two myself I had never, strange as it may appear, bought a
valentine before.
I gave five shillings for the identical article under notice; sweetly-
scented it was too. So it ought to have been-at the price. I bought
it on the twelfth, and spent all my leisure time concocting original
verses, which I wrote on the fly-sheet.
The fourteenth was on a Friday.
I couldn't manage to get to the dancing class on the thirteenth, having
other business. But I would go and meet her, and escort her home.
The other business was the purchase of a new winter overcoat. I needed
it before that'evening was o 'er.


LENTINE'S DAY.


I reached the street in which the academy was situated, and propped
up a lamp-post at the corner, and awaited her advent with impatience
and fast-benumbing extremities. There was still a quarter of an hour
before I could expect her, and it was as cold a February day as I ever
remember. I was just saved from turning to ice-thanks to my new
coat !-when, in the distance, I described a well-known form in a circular
fur cloak; but-oh, agony !-a less-known six feet form in a rough
ulster accompanied it. I was about to rush up to them when I thought,
"No, I shall be unknown in this coat; I'll wait !" So I wote-I mean
I waited. They came on, little knowing I was near. And-the
traitress !-as she passed I heard her say, Oh, Fred, dear I I am glad
that idiot, Poltwattle, wasn't there to-night."
That idiot, Poltwattle !
The idiot felt like rushing out and crushing Fred," but, out of con-
sideration for her perfidious feelings, forbore; besides, we hadn't been
introduced-besides, he was six feet at least-and, besides, I even now
am but five feet three I
I never saw her again-nor Fred. I have that five-shilling valentine
by me now; and of the original verses only the two lines above quoted
remain legible of Poltwattle's First Valentine.


SEVERAL publishers are announcingan extra special House of Commons
Guide. This seems to us a work of supererogation, for while Parliament
goes on in its present style, we may often see the House of Commons
guyedd."


55 I


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JOTTINGS ON VAL


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A SIXPENNY VALENTINE.


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FEBRUARY 9, i887. 3- TiJN '. 57


A SIXPENNY VALENTINE.
IT'S such a pretty word, too," said a pretty girl. "Let us look at the
dictionary and see what they say about it."
.-A sweetheart chosen on Valentine's Day."
"2.-A letter containing professions of love or affection, sent by one
young person to another on St. Valentine's Day."
Now, what do you think of that ? said the very pretty girl. She
sat down on the ottoman, and, playing with a fan, looked up at him.
The "him" in question was good-looking, well-bred, well-dressed; he
wore an eye-glass. What more could any girl want in any man? Per-
haps a good deal.
"I can't say that I see the good of 'em," he answered. "There's
something in a present. Now, Miss Stevenson, if you would let me
send you that Ayrdale terrier you took a fancy to, there would be some-
thing in it."
She looked offended, and answered drily enough, "Thank you, I do
not wish for a present." Then he left her.
Coming out of the Rag that afternoon, he said, "Doocid fine girl,
doocid pretty, doocid pile of money. Five thousand a year. I thought
I was in the running but I ain't, old man, I tell you. I should like to
know who is, though."
Another young fellow was walking down the club steps. His head
was bent and his face was dismal, though good-looking enough.
I am just about played out," he was saying to himself. I haven't
a friend in the world ; I suppose I've pretty well worn all my relations
out; I have nothing beyond the clothes I stand up in, and the large
sum of sevenpence in my pocket. Yet I'm ass enough to make myself
more miserable by going and seeing her."
He, too, went and called to see the rich Miss Stevenson-the beauty,
the heiress, and all the rest of it.
She did not look particularly displeased. He fidgeted about as he
sat beside her.
"To-morrow is St. Valentine's Day," he said, by way of making talk.
"Yes," she answered. "A stupid custom, isn't it ?"
Well," said he, "I don't know, Miss Stevenson. It's simple, and
all that sort of thing; but simple things are the best sometimes. I wish
I had always thought so."
I am very simple," she continued. "I am so rustic, and that sort
of thing, that, cold as it is, I walk in Kensington Gardens everymorning
before lunch." She looked rather disappointed, for he made no answer
to this.
He walked moodily home to his lodgings.
"I'll live at the rate of a thousand a year for a few minutes, anyhow.
I'll buy a sixpenny Larranaga and an evening paper. I'll have my dinner
to-night for certain. To-morrow I'll enlist, and my world shall know
no more of me."
He stopped by a stationer's shop filled with valentines. An idea
seemed to strike him.
He entered the shop. The counter was covered with valentines. He
took up rather a pretty common one-one with the hackneyed old line,
"When this you see, remember me," printed on a patch of white satin.
How much is this? he asked.
"Sevenpence, sir."
"I've only got sevenpence in my pocket. It's a penny to post it,
too. Let me have it for sixpence; I have only sevenpence in the
world." He spoke in a curious, serious way, and the shopwoman
looked curiously and seriously at him.
"You can have it," she said, "and an envelope, too. I'll put the
stamp on, if you like."
When he left the shop he did not notice that there was a young
fellow standing in the corner who must have heard every word he said.
That night the pretty, the rich, the consequently everything-good
Miss Stevenson, was at a dance. Her cousin Bob was up from Alder-
shot.
Do you know," he said, "I saw that poor beggar, Jack Stingers,
in a valentine shop. He bated the woman down when he bought one.
He said he had only sevenpence in the world. I believe the poor
beggar will do something desperate-Waterloo Bridge, or enlist, or
become a billiard marker, or something. Why, how pale your are."
She was rather pale; but after another waltz she was all right. She
was so much herself, that when Sir George, the gentleman who offered
her an Ayrdale terrier for a valentine, offered her his hand and heart,
and all the rest of it, she refused it all with very unpleasant firmness.
The next morning she was walking in Kensington Gardens. It was
rather early, and few people were there, so the nursemaids could smile
at the "Household" privates as much as they liked.
And Mr. Jack Stingers, the gentleman who was "broke," was
walking there, too.
"I'll go straight to St. George's and enlist," he was muttering to
himself. He did not see the young lady until he met her face to face.
"Why, Mr. Stingers," she said, with a blush, "it is you."
Yet he didn't at all feel himself. He walked beside herewith a pained
look on his face.


She was quite enough of a woman to know what his feelings were
towards her, and there was a half smile on her pretty mouth.
"I'm going away, Miss Stevenson. I've gone to the bad. I'm
going to leave England, to go to the worse still. I am reckless, I
always was."
She turned her head a little on one side.
"It was very reckless of you to spend your last sixpence in sending
me a valentine. I guessed your handwriting." They were in a quiet
nook in the gardens.
"It was too bold of me." He stood before her, his eyes bent on
the ground.
"You're not bold enough in some things," she said. It was un-
selfish to give up all you had for my sake. As to boldness-as to bold-
ness--
He made no remark.
"As to boldness-why, you're not half bold enough. Why-why-
why don't you propose to me?"
"Oh, my said the young man. And he felt so faint, that it
showed wonderful presence of mind on his part to put his arm round
her waist to steady himself.
When she was settling her hat a little, he said, But I have nothing
to give you."
"Live in my heart, and pay no rent," she said.
"You give me your fortune-your all! he said.
"You gave me your all-though it was only sevenpence, dear."
Once again he pressed to him her youthful beauty, and five thousand
a year.
"And to think," he said that night, as he kissed her portrait in his
bed-room, "that it was all owing to a sixpenny valentine !"


A YOUNG rough, charged with picking and stealing, threatened in
court that he would wait one hundred years, and then do for the gaoler
who had given evidence as to previous convictions. The official replied
that he did not intend remaining on the earth for a century just to gratify
the whim of a procrastinating gaol-bird.


THE LABOUR MARKET.I
Broom.-" Well, Bill, 'ow are you getting' on? "
Shovel.-" Oh, I dunno; I ain't doin' nothing' partickler. I wus
a-gettin' on fust-rate as one of the unemployed, when the bloomin'
frost broke up, and I was obliged to take on a iob."





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JUBILEE VALENTI
TO HER MOST GRACIOUS MAJESTY FROM HER DEVOTED AND LOVING SUBJECT, JOHN BULL,--T
THE HOUSE OF COMMON:


FOR THE MILLION.
NCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER,-TO AN EX-CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER,-TO A LEADER IN
A PRIME MINISTER, &c., &c.


LRY 9, i887.


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FcUN.


KNIOKNACKS.
A FASCINATING young village maiden called on a country solicitor a
few days back, and showed him a penny receipt stamp on which her
lover had written "I will marry
you, JoeB." She wished to know
whether it was a "proper legal
dockyment, in case hof hacci-
dents?" "You're a girl of the
right stamp," remarked the soli-
citor, gently chucking her under
the chin in a paternal manner.
"You bet," simpered the village
maiden, treading on his biggest
bunion. Then he gave her more
or less good advice, and she left
the office swiftly.

A GOURMAND recently wrote to
a contemporary, stating in a some-
what dictatorial way, that oysters
boiled are oysters spoiled." We
venture to differ with him in otoo,
very much totally in toto, and guess
he was not acquainted with the
following comparatively unknown
recipe when laying down the law about "biled" bivalves. "Take
oysters-pay for them if you can, but, still, take them-wash their
shells clean, place them in a large earthen pot, being careful not to
open the said shells, then put this pot, covered, into a fish kettle, with
water, and so let them boil. Your molluscs are boiled thus in their
own juice. Serve with lemon sauce, cayenne pepper, and brown bread
and butter."

A MIRTHFUL, spotty-faced man who had been convicted five times
during the last eight months of 1886, was charged recently with having
half strangled a stableman. It appears that being in a jocular mood he
fixed up a bit of rope with a slip-knot, flung it dexterously round the
man's neck, and asked him to play at horses about the neighbourhood.
The stableman replied that such conduct on his part would be strictly
unprofessional, whereupon the mirthful, spotty-faced man compressed
the stableman's throat tightly with the noose, and dragged him "all
over the shop," the result being that he was "werry nigh a stiff 'un
afore being reskooed." The prisoner here remarked, I was onyhevin
a bit o' fun." I can see you bristle with points of humour," said the
magistrate, "but attempting to choke a man is really rather a serious
offence. Your rich, racy, exuberant spirits require weighting, so I shall
handicap you with two months' hard."

A HORNY-HANDED person was sued recently by a Scotch Board of
Guardians for the cost of the maintenance of his father in the worksus"
They claimed 7s. 6d. per week. The defendant said he only earned i
per week, out of which he had to support himself, his wife, and sundry
olive-branches, all of whom had hearty appetites; but he was willing
to shell out 3s. regularly, every seven days. The sheriff remarked that
as the defendant had let his tongue wag so freely in making the offer
of 3s., a decree must be given for that amount. Had he learned the
maxim that Silence is gold," he would not have been ordered to dub
up silver.

THE Maharajah Dhuleep Singh believes in an ancient tradition that
he, by force of arms, will one day be Emperor of India. Heis practical
as well as superstitious, though, for he has entered one of his sons at the
Royal Military College, Sandhurst, in order that the lad may be well
coached up in the modern art of war. There's just a little quiet idea
floating about that the gallant Maharajah has been soaped down by
several Russian agents recently.

A DILIGENT investigator has discovered a 'bus conductor who was in
the habit of taking sixteen nips of alcohol on each journey he made
during the day. We reckon roughly that this thirsty soul must have
spent at least '3oo0 a year in moisteners." We believe he was in the
habit of hinting that he received a liberal allowance from a venerable
and venerated aunt who is sole proprietress of a Peruvian silver mine.
Doubtless his employers believed him.

THE Rev. Alexander Webster suggests that, as no one is allowed to
drive a cab without a licence, so no one should be allowed to drive a
fiddle or a hurdy-gurdy on the streets without having passed through an
examination, and received an award of merit. Alexander fiddles his
tuneful satire on the right string, but the squeakiest performers he play-
fully slates are delightful manufacturers of harmony, when compared to
the London milkmen, who render the early hours of the morning
hideous with their horrible yelps. We speak feelingly.


FEBRUARY 9, 1887.


The Cry is, "Still they Come!"
[A daily paper says, "The reckless idiocy of many persons shows itself in a con-
stant fire of questions poured in on the editors of London papers."]
THE editor sat in the editor's chair,
And many a letter awaited him there,
Which the poor panting postmen daily did bear
From the sex we call stern and the sex we name fair.
Of every sort of size, colour, and shape,
Some fastened with wax and some tied up with tape,
The letters poured in without any cessation,
Till they covered the table and littered the floor,
And the editor uttered a-well, exclamation,
Expressive but naughty-I need say no more.
He opened the letters, and as each one he read,
He felt that he really should "go off his head"
At the questions they asked and the cases they put,
So he knitted his brow and he stamped with his foot.
One innocent querist begged hard he would tell her
Th' address of her cousin in Cairo, named Weller;
And another one asked (per a halfpenny post-card)
If the Queen had for breakfast new-laid eggs boiled hard.
The editor sighed as he took up another,
He scarcely could read it, the writing was bad,
The writer informed him that his (writer's) mother
Considered her son was a very bright lad;
And if Mr. Editor wanted a.sub,
Her son would be willing to come for his grub."
This wanted to know why clouds vary in colour,
And that, if Japan had a champion sculler
(The editor wished that his querist was there,
For a Japanese skuller to answer him fair).
And still, as he opened batch after batch,
He was sure his address would soon be Colney Hatch;
Then he sprang from his chair, and cut some queer capers,
And cried, as he danced, I will write to the papers !"


BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BOOM.


"MISLIKE ME NOT FOR MY COMPLEXION.."-Merchant of Venice,
Act II. Scene I.







AS TO LIBEL.


Most things constitute a libel just now; everything will do so in a year or two. "Write a half-column about the new piece !" mutters the trembling critic. "It's
very easy to say; but how are we going to avoid libel You see, if I call a person a tart,' or a 'bun,' or a 'human being, or- -" "Well," replies the editor, "the
only way is to let the actors, and authors, and the rest of'em, dictate the notice over your shoulder."


Ii'iI I'


So the poor critic tries it. "Go on,"


says Miss Twinkletights. "' Miss Tiddie Twinkletight's part was performed in the most perfectly admirable way. As an
actress, singer, and dancer, Miss T. has not a single fault.'"


Beg pardon, mister," says the executant of an outraged law, dropping in on the editor next day; "but your printer has bin and left out the word 'not' afore the
words 'a single fault'; and I've 'ad my orders for to carry out the law o' libel." Poor fellow I-at eight to-morrow morning-such a cold and uncomfortable hour, too I


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62 IU JN FEBRUARY 9, x887.


THE SOCIALIST'S PLEA.
[The Socialists have been indulging in further rowdyism in church. One of their
banners lately bore the inscription-" British Capitalists will relieve Emin Pacha, but
will they relieve the British Working Man?"
I WANTS to explain my greevance: the gist of it, don't yer see ?
Is reggyler rank
unfairness--
it's that as en-
rages me !
There I Ain't I
as good as
and demands
my share;
S But tyranny's
Z'eel forbids it
--it's that as I
Can't abear I
I'm fair; and
it's jest a ques-
tion twixtt me
Sand the bloom-
in' rest
O' my hinfam-
~ ...- ous feller-crea-
turs-it's them
as I so detest i
The way as my claims is treated, it reggyler makes me sick.
Why mustn't 'ave them honours wot's scattered about so thick?
I'm one o' the humann army, fulfilling' my humann part,
Yet Inever gits all the honours; and, 'ang it I it breaks my 'art.
There's generals leading' armies, and winning' of wars, and that;
How handsomelyy they're rewarded and loaded with bits o' fat !
They're plucky as blooming' lions, and cunning as blooming' snakes,
And brimmin' with steel indoorance wot nothing destroys nor shakes;
They prizes their country's honour, and cheerfully larfs at death,
And Courage, my lads," and Forward," they cries with their latest
breath;
And I'm a disgusting' coward with jest enough brains to see
That ennyone else's trouble's a jolly good chance for me;
I yelps like a blooming' lap-dog wen pricked with the smallest pin,
And the mention o' dyin' 'ud scare me right out o' my dirty skin;
Yet wen do Igit promotions? I tell you I'm clean forgot,
And left to my own d- vices, while the general gits the lot !
Then look at the privit soljer, and look at the Brittish tar,"
Jest notice how they're hincouraged and petted, and so they are;
Whenever they've proved their walour, the poppylace hups and cheers,
And orfen they gits a medal-in a matter o' twenty years.
I've bin in the Brittish harmy-enlisted wen things was tight-
And beinn' no fool) deserted on hearingg we 'ad to fight.
Then look at the fuss for Gordon There isn't no fuss for me;
Yet ain't I a feller-creature, and selfish as one can be ?
I tell you as I'm blasphemin' and cursin' the 'ole day long;
I've never done right, believe me, except in mistake for wrong.
You'll find me attending' worship-jest lately I seldom miss:
I goes to annoy my neighbours, and kick up a noise, and 'iss;
I jeers at the bloomin' preacher, and oilerss and 'owls 'im down,
Till he begs and
he prays for
silence, and
quakes in 'is
b I o omin'
gown.

The preacher!
ear em
praise 'imr, and
says he's kind
and good,
And visits the
sick and 'elp-
less, and does
as a Christian
should ;
And practisses
self-denial
l while givin' of
armes so free--
And there is the durned h'njustice: who ses a gocd word for me ?
Who ses I'm a brite example ? Who calls me a shinin' lite ?


Wy, there-I might lay in the gutter-so 'elp me, I swear I might,
And them as 'ad praised that preacher 'ud pass (as they orfen do)
And merely remark, "Bin drinking "-the which 'ud, most like, be
troo.
I tell you it's horl unfairness. Wy shouldn't the hulking rough
Git jest as much cream and harmonds as 'eroes of sterlin' stuff?
Let all of it be divided, and then we should git some rest,
As there wouldn't be no hinsentive for parties to do their best;
And I should set down contented and 'appy with wot I'd got-
Until I discovered chances to coller the bloomin' lot.
Then down with the durned hunfairness 1 And down with your
"nobler aims,"
And down with rewardin' verchue, and all your one-sided games I
Wy ever should some git prizes, and others receive a cuff?
And wy should the sterlin' 'ero git more than the worthless rough ?

THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
MONDAY, Jan. 3I-Lords.-A case of gravity. Lord Coleridge sat
on by the law lords in the House for having let Lord Graves waive his
right to be tried by his peers. Ignorance of the law is no excuse "-
grand old legal maxim this; but what is the law ? Here are the Lord
Chancellor and the Lord Chief Justice struggling like Hamlet and
Laertes over Graves, as other law lords over other points of law; how
on earth, therefore, can humbler mortals be expected to be conversant
with it ?
Commons.-Bradlaugh ill-advisedly takes on Randolph for a quiet
game, thinking his "cannons his weak point, but soon discovers the
Paddington champion can give him points and walk past him. Randy's
blood being up, in the pool which follows he flops everybody down.
Then Labby-flabby.


Tuesday.-Noble lords! Who shall say they are useless? They
actually sat this afternoon for fifteen whole minutes. True, they didn't
do anything-but they sat!
In the Commons, ladylike Lord George Hamilton made an effective
speech in his usual businesslike and practical tone. Then Chaplin
denounces Churchill, and is almost as angry with the Grand Young Man
as he used to be with the Grand Old One. Why doesn't somebody give
the Lancastrian Ducal Chancellor a peerage. The master of Blakeney
is much more cut out for the Lords than the "other place." Then
(inter a'ia) comes bluster from Conybeare, bathos from Graham,
twaddle from Wilfrid, and a few airy remarks from the now hairy
Member for Cavan.
Wednesday.-Overture to Randipandi by Handel-Cossham. Visiting
the sins of the fathers on the children not complete enough policy for
Crilly, who, with the exquisite taste which characterises him, endeavours
to taunt Lord Randolph because of his brother.
Thursday.-Earl Delawarr impresses on Lords his belief that by en-
forcing rules as to use of continuous brakes on railways continual breaks-
down may be avoided. The Commons are looking after the commons
-landgrabbers beware, especiallyat Wandsworth. Debate on Address
resumed; everybody in state of suspicion with regard to everybody.
Rumour current in Lobby that Randy and Gladdy trying their hands at
a little Round Table turning on their own account. Country beginning
to get tired of so much round," and to long for a little more "square
fighting.
Friday.-Lords like ancient hens they keep on sitting, but nothing
comes of it. Commons plenty of cackle if no eggs. Adjourned Debate
on Address. Mr. Cremer's Amendment was rejected.








FEBRUARY 9, s887. F UN. 63

A Fair One for My Valentine.
MY sweetheart is a maiden
fair,
With winning smile and
dark brown hair ;
And, O, she has such laugh-
ing eyes,
As bright as sunlight in the h
skies.
And then she is so kind to
me, "
And sings and plays so
prettily.

How old? The age for
romps and tricks,
She's just half-way 'tween
playful six
And bashful, blushing,
sweet seventeen,
Now guess the age that
comes between.
But, O, so coy this little
maid-
This dainty sweet onie, all so fine;
For, truth to tell, she has not said
That she will be my Valentine. 1,,,


New LeaV ;
.The Antiquary and Folk Lore run sideby side, but always in different
ways. They are capital company for "learned leisure."-Household
Words is good for both leisure and learning.- The Leisure Hour, The
Sunday at Home, The Boy's Own Paper, and The Girls Own Paper are
goodfor all times, and for any time. ...
"The Apple Tree Annual" (A. 'Glendenning). This "miscellany of
vegetarian varieties and cookery" will be valuable to the votaries of
vegetarianism. It emanates from a well-known city restaurant, the fre-
quenters of which are "nuts" on "The Apple Tree."-" The Enter-
tainment Gazette, and Guide to London" (Kelly & Co.). This is a
new fortnightly paper, devoted, not only to sporting and dramatic,
but to entertainments of all kinds, and to general topics. Judging
from the first issues it should be both popular and successful.

For Sake of Sweet Saint Valentine.
SINCE e'er the days when we were young, in Rimmel's praise we oft
have sung, in Valentine's sweet sainted name, we still praise Rimmel
just the same; for taste and neatness, 'tis a truth we tell, perfume and
sweetness none can him excel.


RETROSPECTIVE PROGNOSTICATIONS.
Old Spiffledank (reading the Queen's Speech) :-" 'Grave crimes
have happily been rarer during the last few months than during a
similar period in the preceding year. But the relations between the
owners and occupiers of land, which in the early part of the autumn
exhibited signs of improvement, have since been seriously disturbed.'
-By George I It's just like 'Old Moore's Prognostications' !"


i "' II'_ 1 1'i V \w '/'"' --' i I/ "a'\ ^
HE'S GOT IT ON.
Mr. Cokespur.-" My dear boy, eloquence is wasted at the Bar.
What you want there is 'cheek,' and plenty of it."
Alr. Lyttletonne.-" My dear boy, I'm delighted to find your pros-
pect of getting on so good."


A Parliamentary Pepper-box.
[" I am going to give 'em pepper," is the answer Lord Randolph is reported to
have given to one who asked him what he thought of saying in the House by way of
explaining his resignation.]
ONE asked resigned Randolph, in that memorable week
In which he made his so-called explanation,
What kind of an oration it was in his mind to speak
To his fellows in the game of legislation.
To this responded Randy, with a dash of fiendish glee,
And an air that showed a Parliament high-stepper,
"No matter what I say, or what I don't say, you will see
That I mean to give 'em pepper !"
Thus spoke Randy Redivivus-all volcanic, as of yore,
The Sandy" of the famed St. Stephen's Circus;
And then we knew fierce diatribes he forth would boldly pour,
Brave words that to excitement soon would work us;
We felt that to his critics he proposed to give it hot,
With a dash of what the cockney calls Mazepper ;"
We knew that the Resigner was in trim, for did he not
Say he meant to give 'em pepper "?
But he didn't cast his pepper much in Tory Members' eyes-
But Hartington and Goschen rather smelt it-
And he cast a whiff at Chamberlain, who showed but small surprise,
Considering the mighty man who dealt it.
His speech was smart and telling, but M.P.s betrayed no dread
At the chafing of the Parliament high-stepper;
And the world goes on as hitherto, although bold Randy said
That he meant "to give 'em pepper."

A STALWART beggar, "lame of both legs," was restored to activity
the other night very rapidly, while being shifted on a barrow through a
suburban thoroughfare. A runaway horse, linked to a '"growler," came
charging down the street, and the boys in charge of the "hafflicted
pusson incontinently fled. The "lame-un" howled lustily for help;
but, finding none arrive, he took leg-bail," and sought shelter in a
friendly public-house. Wise man !


fW To CoAMPsroNDETs.-Th Editor 4AM not bind Ainrsei to acknowledge, retan, or ozy for Contibution. In no casr eill thy b riwiAnud WxlgS&
accomi'axedd by a stamped axd directed enmmfie.







64 ITT-NU FEBRUARY 9, 1887.


!'i f


THOSE AWFUL LITTLE BROTHEL
Clementina.-" How MANY VALENTINES HAVE YOU HAD, DEAR?"
Cousin Rosina.-" ONLY ONE."
Clementina.--"OH, DEAR I 'VE HAD Six, SO I'M FIVE AHEAD OF YOU."
Brutal Young Brother.-" AH I AND THAT ISN'T COUNTING THE THREE UGLY ONES YO
EIGHT AHEAD, CLEMMY."


Jubilee Valentines for the Million.
(SEE CARTOON.)
STILL we meet with Valentines a many,
Suited to the million as of yore;
Some of which, perhaps, are worth a penny,
Others being worth a good deal more-
Either mark'd by grace or splendour,
Or expressing feelings tender,
Or involving a suggestion needed sore.
Anyhow, whatever be their features,
Whether they're supplied with loving lines,
Whether planned to chaff our fellow-creatures,
February still brings Valentines.
And G. T. has had the condescension
To design some samples of his own,
One whereof especially I'd mention
(Though it is not pictured all alone);


For, in manner ornamental,
It conveys a hint that's gentle
To a much-respected lady on the throne;
John Bull tries to wake the Sleeping Beauty
( Vide Cartoon), and we hope she'll see
That 'twill be her pleasurable duty
To step forth this year of Jubilee.
THE Holy See has anathematised the funeral
ceremony of cremation in Italy. Sixty cre-
mating societies, however, snap their fingers in
the face of the Holy See, and swear by the
holy poker that they will see it frizzled in phos-
phorus before they waive their right to calcine
cold clay.

Gratis Supplement- Coloured Portrait.
SEE "JACK AND JILL," FEBRUARY 19th.


: 1

k^


of ad. by using Bird'
Coturd Powder. The
BIRD'S
W1R D S V i&'(Ir and only Genu-

CUSTARD.1 solde eIz.
Uher o 'n und
C S TE r boxes, l d 2d Write as smoothly as a lead pencil, and neither scratch
ckets. s ecpu nor spurt, the points being rounded by a new process.
PO W R Ioseds n *each SEVEN PRIZE MEDALS AWARDED. Ask your
To prevent di Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box, or send
olntant, t ~ packp t bar t nme of h 7 stamps to C. BRANDAUER and Co.'s PhE WORs,
e"Ir ed nature ALFD BD *a Woks, BIRMINGHAM; or to their Wholesale Warehouse. 24
SWork ing Edward Street, London, E.C.


Cadbury's
GUARANTEED
PURE AND C oco
SOLUBLE CocoaT
BEWARE OF IMITATIONSB.


I ------------


IS.


U PUT IN THE FIRE. THAT MAKES YOU


[M. Tisza is of opinion that the peace of Europe will
be maintained after all.]
EACH war-proposing nation,
By this view we hope is dished,
For Tisz-a consummation
Most devoutly to be wished.

THE Nihilists predict that the Great White
Czar will be cold as a piece of Siberian snow
within the next six months. This is a nice
way of suggesting that there is something warm
in store for the bibulous potentate.

Ready Slortly. Price One Shilling.
T'1 WO CH A FRM S.
BY
ARTHUR T. PASK.


1


I: ~ ___ 'I







FEBRUARY 16, 1887. IF T N' 65



















A/00 o7s YO M s AkE ob ciT 4 /ES
2TW 61T // \E CBO0


















IYOUR PRECIOUS EALTH.-PART I.
VO.
". I



















01-

















BEDS N D !CO WILL 0T1 K YO~U ILL.


YOUR PRECIOUS 'EALTH.-PART I.
MR. FUN has been a bit seedy lately, and an anxious and affectionate Aunt in the country has sent him a printed sheet of Alpha-
betical Aphorisms on the above interesting subject, issued by a Sanitary Society. These strike Mr. FUN as so apt that he has determined
to give them world-wide publicity and practical immortality by reproducing them in his Pages, with appropriate Illustrations.
VOL. XLV,.-NO, "36.









F UN.


FEBRUARY 16, 1887.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE OPERA COMIQUE.-" The Kate Vmughan Comedy Company"
has taken up its quarters here, presenting The Rivals as a first instal-


eZ c-w/p/ 7J 1r A SXAKO.
OPERA COMIQUE, AND'O(PRBSENTLV) THE STRAND,-" THE RIVALS."
ment. Miss Vaughan is not an actress of much force, but there is a
very pleasant daintiness about her style which nothing in the part of
Lydia Languish renders incongruous; the result being that she scores
very fairly as the wayward heroine. What some call a "gavotte," and
others a minuet," danced in the second act, shows the lady to graceful
advantage, and destroys some of the points of the piece.

MR. LIONEL BROUGH'S Bob Acres-do we not all know it?-is
pitched in a popular key, and, go to! is it not popular? And
who shall ask for more? Mr. Forbes-Robertson is a gallant Captain
Absolute, and an impassioned lover withal, but there is a weakness
about it somehow, and Mr. Fernandez is not what one could wish. In
fact, the whole thing is rather slow (such a magnificent comedy as it is,
too !) Is it that we have had somewhat more than enough of old
comedy lately ?

BY-THE-WAY, does "old comedy" consist of some half-dozen plays
only ?

THE STRAND.-Miss Fannie Leslie as Jack-in-the-Box has popped
up serenely" here after a long absence in the country. She finds herself
unforgotten, I believe, and is full of "spring;" but I've not had an
opportunity of seeing her yet myself-anon, and you shall know whether
what is said is truthfully said. _

NODS AND WINKs.-The ladies of Boston have initiated a practice
of discarding excessively tall hats when visiting the theatres, and the
example is being followed in other American cities.
For the ladies of Boston let's say-hooray,
I admire them in every way-hooray,
Most for one thing-and that's
That they shorten their hats
When they settle to go to the play-hooray.
For the hats that fair Britishers buy-oh, my I
Are built, Babel-wise, to the sky-oh, my,
They eclipse all the stage
Till you get in a rage,
And your language provokes them to cry-" oh, my !"
The villain's exciting attack-alack I
Is hid by the cephalic stack,-alack !
Of the humours of Giles,
And the heroine's smiles,
You are forced to put up with the lack-alack !
Not a glimpse of a thing's to be had-my lad,
When the scenery's praised you feel bad-my lad,
When they crack up the clothes
You profane I suppose,
When the ballet comes on you go mad-my lad.
But each lady of Boston's a gem-ahem !
Such scandals they mean to condemn-ahem I
For our sakes they'll all spurn
Steeple hats-in return,
Let us take off our beavers to them-ahem !-


-A musical and dramatic recital will take place at 8.30 this (Tuesday)
evening, at the Nineteenth Century Art Galleries, Conduit Street. Mr.
Chillingham Hunt, a very excellent reciter, will bear the elocutionary
burden, and Mrs. M. A. Carlisle (who is expected to make a hit) and
Mrs. Hunt will sing and piano-play respectively.-Miss Kate Everleigh
starts (at Brighton on the 4th of April) on tour with Kittens, an
uncommonly funny play (I'm told) by an American gentleman, to which
Mr. J. M. Glover has done some rattlingly good music. This looks like
good business for somebody.-The Alexandra Palace will probably be
re-opened at an early date; this doesn't seem quite such good business,
on the face of it, but I should be very sorry to say that it is not the wisest
course the proprietors could take, if they can afford it.-Brixton is to have
a new theatre now. Far be it from me to discourage Brixton (or the new
theatre) but-well-we shall see. -It is whispered that Miss Constance"
Gilchrist will return to the Gaiety at the conclusion of her Drury Lane
engagement. Very well.-" The Floral Hall," Covent Garden, is to be
" thrown into the Market," that is to say, it is to go towards enlarging
its Fruit, Flower, and Vegetable neighbour, not that it is for sale.-Mrs.
Conover, under the able conductorship of Mr. Charles Terry, will anon
off to the country with Mr. W. G. Wills' Mary Queen of Scots. May
she pick up a few of the pieces she has dropped over the Olympic I
don't think I can wish her a much more enthusiastic triumph of a success
than that !-Mrs. Bancroft is suspected of meditating a return to the
stage. An announcement good enough to stand without comment.-At
the annual dinner of the Newspaper Press Fund, to be held at Willis's
Rooms on the IIth of June, Mr. F. C. Burnand will take the chair.-A


THE PRINCESS'S.-"A NOBLE, VAGABOND.'


new comedy by Mr. T. G. Warren will shortly be produced at a matinee
by Miss Agnes Hewitt. Is this Warren's third, or fourth? Anyway,
let us hope it will equal Nita's First, NESTOR.


TURF CUTTINGS.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-With the humbug going on about Miss Glendyne, there's no
getting on with Waterloo business at all. I've been getting up at all
sorts of chilly hours in the morning to watch trials and compare notes
all over the country, but it's rather difficult to spot the better of two
dogs, when each is only to be seen on trial with another dog, the racing
value of which you know nothing, and the trials take place-one over a
hill at Langholm (say), and the other somewhere near Burnley or
Liverpool. Bah I Although I'm desperately afraid she'll do it, I feel
a good deal tempted to give my verdict against Miss Glendyne. Her
chance would be a pretty one then, you bet As it is, I give itfor her
-and there you are. Go in and win, and send a huge percentage on
the result to Yours, etc., TROPHONIUS,


Of Course.
DEAR MR. FUN,-In a leader on "adulteration," The Daily Telegraph,
February 3rd, says :-" A sausage may be in perfectly good preservation,
and may have a most agreeable flavour, yet at the same time be made
from ingredients which, were their character known to the consumer,
would fill him with horror and dismay. It's the seasoning that does
it,' was the dictum of the humorous sage." What I want to know is,
should this not be "the humorous sage and onions '? I only ask for
information. Yours truly, ANKSHUS.


66


_~ ~









FEBRUARY 16, 1887.


FEBRUARY FILL DYKE.
I SAW an etching in a shop window about
February Fill Dyke. It was all very interest-
ing and artistic, and full of puddles. But I
hate artistic things, and interesting things, and
puddles into the bargain. Of course I do-
every sensible man does. Some people pre-
tend to like February, and say that you get
"the first breath of spring" then. What in-
fernal rubbish! The town begins to fill,
though, as well as the dykes and ditches.
That s no consolation to me, for I'm not a
society man. A fine idea, anybody pretending
to enjoy the town in February if he happens to
have the least grain of common sense. What
pleasure is it to me to go strolling down Bond
Street and catching cold just for the sake of
having an "M.P." nod to me out of his
landau. But I might go and see art exhibi-
tions, might I? The only art exhibition I
should care to see would be to see the artists
all hung in a row, and their pictures made into
a bonfire! I hate artists; I always did.
Canvas was invented for tents for soldiers, not
to be spoilt by a lot of paint. Bah !
Still, like other people, I look about me
when the season begins. Do I, though? The
only looking about me Ido is looking up my
banker's book. I'm not in the habit of looking
about me, sir. Business begins to stir in
February. Does it, sir? Who said it didn't?
Business can begin to stir as much as it likes
for all that I care. It makes no difference to
me, I can tell you. I'm not in the habit of
going into shops and buying a lot of idiotic
knicknacks that are of no use to anybody.
I'm not at all that sort of man, sir, I can tell
you. A fool and his money are soon parted."
That's the best motto that I know of.
And the pantomimes last on through Feb-
ruary, too. As if that wasn't enough to make
anybody thoroughly disgusted. But we have
had some fine days. What do I care about
fine days, Ishould like to know? They don't
put any more money into my pocket. Bah !
On fine days, too, poor people feel cheerful,
and consequently go out and drink. February,
indeed DIOGENES TUBBS.


A Cheerful Companion to the
Calendar.
FEBRUARY-(SECOND HALF.)
15th. TO-DAY brave Captain Cook was killed
By savages, of whom, in books,
We read as Sandwich-men, unskill'd
In cook'ry and the worth of Cooks.
I6th. This charming, this red-letter day,
Let no one, pray, forget:
In sixteen-ninety-seven, books say,
Commenc'd our National Debt.
17th. Liverpool, eighteen-fifty-five-
Bread running short, crowd took to
rioting,
And, being "crusty," hard to drive
From its idea of crummy dieting.
18th. This day died Luther, whose brave plan
It was with Popes to make no terms;
Being this oddfish sort of man,
His Pope prescribed a Diet of Worms.
19th. The world this day lost Tamerlane,
Its greatest scourge and slaughterman;
Far happier now, it counts as gain
Its cannon, making wholly naught-o'-
man.
20th. Sunday-which you'll spend as best
Reflects your notions of propriety;


FTUN.


I z s T


VICTORY!
ST. GEORGE, OF HANOVER SQUARE, AND THE GLADSTONIAN-LIBERAL DRAGON.
(We regret to hear that Mr. Goschen, in the hour of his triumph, is suffering
from a cold. It is supposed that he caught a chill at Liverpool.)


If you go in for perfect rest,"
You'll find its charm is-not variety.
21st. This day was poor Archbishop Cranmer
burn'd
To please that gracious sovereign,
"Bloody Mary;"
In vain he tried to save his life, and
learned
Too late that churchmen should of
lies be chary.
22nd. Shrove Tuesday this, Confession Day,
Likewise the Day of Pancakes;
Eat ten or twelve of these, then say
Sincerely how the plan takes.
23rd. The Cato Street conspirators this day
Were "sold," as usual, by a traitor.
Moral-Before conspiring, reckon, pray,
Your chances from the first and-
later.

24th. This day died Gutenberg, whose curi-
ous mind
The thought of printed pages first
possess'd-
A sort of printer's inkling of the kind
Of use to which the Press has since
been press'd.

25th. This day Charles Peace was hang'd,
who, save in name,


67


Had nothing peaceable about him :
Despite his burglar's, murd'rer's, fiddler's
fame,
The world found it could do without
him.
26th. Hare-hunting ends this day, but not
Heiress-hunting, pray remember;
An heiress may be hunted, hot,
From January to December.
27th. This day, in eighteen-forty-nine,
The Corn Laws were abolished;
But corns were left to undermine
Some tempers the most polished.
28th. The last day of the month this year-
In Leap-years, last but one'th;
Be sure you do not leap, for fear
Of damaging next month.

Oh, Greedy I
AN English schoolboy, having heard that an
Ice Carnival was being held at Montreal, said
he thought it would be very jolly to have one
in London too, especially if it were cream, and
not water, ice.
AN eminent rat-catcher has contracted to
keep Mr. Jay Gould's steam yacht Alalanla free
from rats for three hundred dollars per year
We congratulate the American millionaire. He
ought to save many thousands by the bargain.


I








68 F UN. FEBRUARY 16, 1887.


SOME BRITISH COMMODITIES.-I. THE ENGLISH NAIL.


England is justly proud of her pre-eminence in the hardware line. Have you Then you tap in a brad very carefully, and its tail comes curling round out
ever tried to use an English brad? Ah I" you say (being an amateur), "I'll at the side, and grins at you.
just put a nail or two in that split in the door."


Then you make small holes for those brads with a bradawl-then large holes So you make a stupendous cavern with a vast centrebit: and, placing a brad
with a gimlet-then immense holes with an auger; but still those brads very gingerly on a flat trowel to prevent its bending by its own weight you intro-
curl up. duce the brad into the cavern with extreme care, and fix it in with plaster of Paris
and glue. And then you decide that the brad is a little superfluous.


Concluding that you must have mistaken the vocation of brads, you try twisting them together for string for parcels, but they won't bear the strain; so you try
them as putty, as ingredients for soup, and so forth; and finally you present them to the dustman. Perhaps some day somebody will discover the object of existence
of an English brad.





IT TN.-FEBRUARY 16, 1887.


fi .7


A DANGEROUS PERFORMANCE.
Harly.--"KEEP QUIET, WHATEVER YOU DO, OR YOU'LL COME TO GRIEF."









FUNO


FEBRUARY 16, 1887.


MAD MISS MERCY.
THERE is no feature of our British way of administering justice more
beautiful than
the mercy with
which we tem-
go n u per its severity.
/ The case of
ni tdsMike Mirder af-
fords a sweet
and striking ex-
ample of this
praiseworthy
fi( (system of ours.
x Mike Mirder
a had always had
his faults.
At the age of
seven he had
b n i wi indulged in a
St i f wic habit of roast-
3- ing kittens alive
in the oven,
gouging out the eyes of infants, putting arsenic in his mother's tea, and
rubbing the same powder into her pillow. He had also preserved the
skins of a few hundred mice, all of them taken off the living animal,
which was afterwards rubbed over with mustard previous to its decease.
At the age of nine he had observed his father looking over a preci-
pice, and, recognizing his opportunity, had crept up, and, by a sudden
and dexterous shove, cleared his parent well over; dissolution having
been deferred only just long enough for the father to give little Mike his
blessing, during which the little innocent had cleared out his pockets,
securing the threepenny piece, the attainment of which had suggested
the act.
That threepenny piece had been spent in vitriol with which the little
fellow had subsequently successfully blinded his three sisters.
At ten little Mike had already become an accomplished thief. He
always preferred stealing from those who were poor and in some special
distress; and in those cases where perfect absence of danger to himself
might be relied upon, the theft would always develop into a robbery
with violence. Very small girls were his favourite subjects. Having
robbed them of the sixpence with which they were sent for the beer, he
would proceed to cut off their ears or toes with his little penknife, and
soak their hair with petroleum, and set light to it.
About this time he became a crossing-sweeper for the express purpose
of gaining a better opportunity to hold charitable old ladies in conversa-
tion in the roadway until a cab knocked them down; and on these
occasions, while the attention of the cabman and the crowd were riveted
on the old lady, little Mike would ingeniously heat needles to redness in
the flame of a match, and insert them in the horse's eyes.
This would cause the death of the cabman and some bystanders.
A year or two later little Mike developed great mechanical genius:
he invented a small explosive bomb, of such a size as to be contained in
a half-herring, and exploded by clockwork. Putting the half-herring
down in a likely place, he would wait until a passing dog should gulp it
down, and scream with delight when the dog blew up.
He had great fun with an
old gentleman who had been
very charitable to him, and
gone to great expense and
trouble for his benefit. This
old gentleman had particu-
larly plump and tempting
calves, which took little
Mike's fancy. Procuring a
tooth from a mad dog which
had been killed in his vici-
nity, little Mike ingeniously
made an arrow-head of it,
and succeeded in projecting
the weapon from a little bow
I of his own make right into
the centre of the old gentle-
man's calf. The old gentle-
man left little Mike all his
property in his will, and this
rendered the poor boy inde-
pendent for life; and it al-
ways formed one of Mike's
J. F S. S greatest delights in later
years to write to the news-
papers and blacken the cha-
racter of that old gentleman. It happened that the old gentleman had
had a daughter whom he had given up for dead; and, on her subse-


quently turning up after the old gentleman's death, and begging a crust
at Mike's door, Mike gave her in charge, and contrived a false accusa-
tion against her in such a clever manner, that she was sentenced to
seven years' penal servitude, and went mad.
Mike did many other things, for he was never idle. When arrived at
manhood he had several favourite pastimes. One of these was taking
his children to places where he heard smallpox was about, and, when
they had caught it, sending them to children's parties, and to school;
the placing of obstacles on railway lines, with the object of wrecking
express trains; another was the sending of diseased meat to the market.
In these ways he had already succeeded in clearing off a few scores of
the population, when the poor fellow was caught in the act of superin-
tending the preparing of a glandered horse to look like beef, for the
London market.
Then that beautiful feature of our British administration of justice
came in. The law, as the magistrate said, empowered its executants to
inflict on poor Mike a very heavy penalty; but, as it seemed a case
rather for commiseration than severity, and as he had no doubt, from
the evidences in the prisoner's past career, that the prisoner would be
warned by his remarks, and regret the cruelty of his acts, he (his Wor-
ship) would on this occasion inflict the mitigated penalty of a fine-
two-and-six, with costs.
How the great public heart leapt up in response to the magistrate's
humaneness. We remember it well; it was the same day that a starving
man of exemplary character was charged with stealing a bit of crust, and
sentenced to one year with hard labour.

A SAINTLY, and sainted being recently deposited a share certificate
worth /350, belonging to his aunt, in a bank in his own name. His
defence for this act was that he merely obeyed "a voice from heaven."
How's this for high?

GOSCHEN-TORY PARTY.-On the 9th inst., at St. George's,
Hanover Square, George Liberal Unionist Goschen, to Tory Party,
daughter of the Right Hon. the Marquis of Salisbury, K. G., &c., &c,
Friends will please accept this intimation.

BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BOOM.


"WILL THIS GEAR NE'ER BE MENDED? "-Troilus and Cressida,
Act I. Scene I.


- I --








FEBRUARY 16, 1887.


IFUN.


BAD BOYS' BALLADS.
II.-PETER MICHEL.
DERE lifed in Germany a poy
Vot might hafe peen his fader's joy,
And a crate pride among de Dootch,
Boot for von fault-he dinked too moock.
Dis vas der Peter-Ash dings vent,
Der Peter nefer vos content.
Ja-if you poot him into clofer,
Peter sat down und dink it ofer,
Ordil he found a petter vay
To make de clofer into hay,
Und ven a shinsherbrod he see
He prove it should a ploom-cake pe.
Even a thaler grieve him sore
Pecause 'twas not a lujedor.*
Oont vant his brod to be complete,
Made of some besser stoff as wheat.
Vhen mit de oder poys he blay,
Den liddle Peter alvays say,
All of de dings vot here I see
Should right afay pelong to me.
Dese dops oont marples mit de ball.
Dose bicture-buchs and toys oont all,
Should pe annex-dot candy too-
Pecause I vants dem vorse dan you.
Oont yoost because you call it dein,
Dot proves, you see, de ding is mine.
Dass Du was hast wenn nichts mir ist,
Beweist dass Du ein Rauber bist,
[If you hafe dings oont I am boor,
Dot shows you are a ropper, sure.]
Derefore I peg, oopon de shpot,
Yoost hand me ofer all you got."
De oder poys vot hear him gas
Yoost say dot Peter vos an ass;
Boot Peter say, mitout a joke,
De only dimes a shackass shpoke
To Balaam in conversation,
He dalk goot sense by inspiration.
Pesides, he shpeak in Heprew too,
Mine talk is Heprew oonto you,
You idiots of de money classes,
You all pees vorse than any asses.
Oont ash de boor like me you robs,
You're vicket shkoundrels, tieves, oont snobs.
Ash eferypody else most pe
Who doesn't dink de same ash me.
Oont if I were yoost strong enough,
I'd make you veel it mighty rough."
Denn von poy answered, "Peter, you
Moost give it in, for it is drue,
Dot like a pee dot vorks for honey,
Mine fader vork to make de money
To buy dese dings for me oont Jim."
Gry Peter, More de shame for him
To lapour for himself alone
Ven he should vork for efery one,
Nod for our own our vork should pe,
But all de human family.
Oont if you dalks apout de pees,
Dere I hafe got you, for you sees
Dem insegds store avay de schweet
For all de oder vons to eat.
All dat you make, I'd hafe you know,
Should oonto oder people go;
You've heard it said all men ish broders,
Oont yoost as goot ash any oders.
Boot efery man I say's de pest
Oont crate deal fetter as de rest,
Der man is not our broder-rader
Ve should consider him as fader,
Oont as I full equal you,
Id vollows I should govern too;
Now, as I'm boss of all de poys,
Yoost gife me all your cakes oont toys.
All dot you hafe you go mitout it,
Oont mind you ton't be long apout it "
Louis d'Or-a gold coin.


I H H" ^llU\IIItliitlim\\ mtvtlti\\\\ \\\^\x\\^^ www7<

TAKEN OFF.
Mr. McStrogan.-" I GAVE HIM JIST THE HALF HE ASKIT ME."
Mr. Evans.-"ARE YOU QUITE SWRE HE DIDN'T GUESS YOUR NATIONALITY, AND
DOUBLE IT FIRST?"


De poys for answer say, Py shing !
He shouldn't hafe a blessed ding,
And tell him get into his hole,
For all his dalk vas rigmarole.
Now, ven it coom to sooch a stage,
Den Peter veel a holy rage,
Oont gry, You pigs, since it most pe,
11 thrash you into loving me;
I veel a holy inspiration
To master all de situation.
Vile in dis life all dings apove,
You ought to gife yourself to lofe,
Oont den if you refuse to do it,
You most be licked oont kicked into it.
Dot is de vay ven folks pe doomb,
So glear de drack, for here I coom I"
Yoosht here der Peter shtop his noise,
Oont roosh mit fury at de poys,
To grab deir marples, hoops, oont dings,
Oont gife dem all a poonishings.
Boot de foorst von at whom he vly
Let out and dook him in de eye,


Vitch landed him, mitout a a flutter,
All on his pack, insite de gutter.
Oont ven he shtoggered oop in vain,
Anoder knock him down acain,
Oont say, "Dis is de vay, you see,
I licks you indo lofing me."
Undo his fader Peter run,
Who say to him, Mine liddle son,
To force a shap to loving, you
Moost pe de stronger of de dwo.
For to set up equality
You need a strong majority;
And if de less must go as boss,
He'll have to ride de biggest hoss.
Pecause de veakest alvays fail,
Und du bist weak."-So ents mine dale.

ACCORDING to a judge's decision, the word
"Jubilee cannot be registered as a legitimate
trade mark. Now that the "Jubilee" craze is
in full swing, let us be thankful for this small
mercy.


_ ___ ~


~









STUN.


FEBRUARY I6, 1887.


KNIOKNACKS.
A CHIMNEY-SWEEP was ordered out ot court the other day by the
sitting magistrate, and told that he must wash his face thoroughly before
he could be allowed to give
evidence. The gentle ramoneur
retired to the yard, and, after
using soft soap and a scrubbing-
brush for ten minutes, returned
to the box, his face being about
the tint of a dumpling well
covered with the best green
treacle. "You have washed
your face?" said the magis-
-_ trate. I'll take my blessed
i ~ davy hon that," replied the
man of soot. How long may
it be since you washed it be-
fore? asked the magistrate.
"I always did wash it before
--don't see as it would be pos-
S serble ter wash it behind; but
'/ the last time as I done me
S hablutions was hon my weddin'
S- day, about sevin years ago, yer
Washup." Is your wife still
alive?" enquired the magistrate.
"Werry much so," answered the dusky witness. "How long is it
since she washed her face?" exclaimed the magistrate. Why, much
about the same time, I should himagin', yer Washup," ejaculated the
sweep, with a merry beam. "Now, sir, proceed with your evidence
at once," growled his Washup, "you have grossly wasted the time of
the court-and let me advise you to remember you are on your oath."

A STRAW house is now being built in Philadelphia. It will form a
feature at the forthcoming American Exhibition, which is to open on
May 2nd, in Kensington. The builder warrants that it will be fireproof
and waterproof, and doesn't seem to care a straw about the chaff that
has been hurled at his edifice.

A STATIONER advertises love-letter paper, scented with attar of roses.
He states that the scent will last for years, and warrants the paper to
outlast half the love inscribed upon it. It isn't often one meets with a
truthful, candid tradesman now-a-days.

THE rowdies of Belfast are losing their frolicsome spirit. Only three
people were wounded by bullets the other night. Does this mean another
calm before another storm ?

A SCOTCH minister caught a youthful member of his congregation
reading Darwin's "Origin of Species" the other day. He promptly
annexed the book, threw it into the fire, and told the lad that the author
was a bad man and an infidel. His "monkey must have been very
much up when he was guilty of such an idiotic act and statement.

A MEDICAL man informs the world that he knows of a case where a
man transmitted his repugnance of cheese to his sons, while their mother
was fond of Welsh rare-bits. The boys were afflicted with good memories,
and distinctly remembered what they suffered in early childhood's days ,
when ma was troubled with nightmare.

ARTIFICIAL eyes have been invented in America, which will ogle,
roll, and look the softest of sweet things. They are worked with a wire
which passes into the nose. One-eyed mashers and masheresses have
to hold a delicate handkerchief to their nasal appendages-and there
they are, don't you know.

IT is said that our Prime Minister suffers terribly from mal-de-mer
when he braves the dangers of the deep-gets right down weak-kneed,
drifts into sentimentality, thinks that everybody and everything is going
to collapse, and makes such quotes as Sic transit gloria mundi."

THE "unemployed" of Selkirk, who were found some labour by a
Relief Committee, recently went on strike after working a short while.
They objected to having soup tickets given them as a portion of their
wages. The unwashed boys drew the line at "mock turtle."

THE two elder daughters or an astute widower got married the other
day. The old man gave them his blessing in effusive words, but in-
formed them that he had no dower to bestow, no bags of gold or bundles
of bank-notes to cast into their laps. Still, he felt he ought to do
something for the bonnie brides, so he offered to apprentice his four
younger girls to them. The wedding breakfast did not digest well !


THE CULT OF GOOD ST. VALENTINE.
"Good morrow,'tis St. Valentine's Day, all in the morningbetime."-The OtherBard.
OH, ope thy casement, lady mine,
The mist is on the hill
('Twere well, perhaps, to don thy wraps,
Forefend thou get a chill !)
The feast of good St. Valentine
Is well upon its way,
And rivalry has bid me try
To be thy love to-day.
For love will ebb, and love will flow,
But oft there comes a time, you know,
When chaps to cut one out prepare,
And then 'tis one would be all there."

So ope thy casement, lady mine
(And here I may remark
That casement's not "poetic rot "-
Thou liv'st at Bedford Park).
To be thy faithful Valentine
I've left my cosy couch
(Before I wist how thick the mist),
And gifts my love shall vouch.
For love may ebb, and love may flow,
But February comes, you know,
And few the maidens who do not
Expect a gift or so, I wot.

Do ope thy casement, lady mine,
With cold my nose is blue,
My teeth are sets of castanets-
And all for love of you !
Say, shall I bring thee Eglantine ?
Or posies fair to see?
Or jewels rare to deck thy hair?
Or half-a-pound of tea?
For love may flow, and love may ebb,
But comes the fourteenth day of Feb.,
And lovers who would not be mean
Must bring their tokens on the scene.

Deuce take thy casement, lady mine !
(I will not be gainsayed),
The builder wight has fixed it tight;
Out on his jerry trade !
I'm catching cold, my Valentine,
Within my precious head,
And so the Bard will leave his card,
And toddle home to bed.
For love may flow, and love may ebb,
But hang the fourteenth day of Feb. !
And catch me getting up again
In gnawing mist and soaking rain.


CUP-TIOUS CRITICISM.
IT sounds all very innocent and child-like when Nettie says there is
no game she likes better than Cup and Ball;" but when you come
to understand that it is Claret Cup at a dance to which she refers, it
takes the gilt off the gingerbread a little.


_ C~I I ___


_ ____ __ ____ ___








FEBRUARY 16, 1887. F I


THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER,
MONDAY, Feb. 7.-Lord Erne earns public gratitude by taking steps
to prevent the corkscrew bayonet affair being bottled up. Who shall
say that our Ord-
nance Department is
not abreast of the
times after Lord

that the hairpins--I
Mean weapons- in
question were sup-
Si plied as recently as
ea o I858, and one parcel
a by a gentleman of the
urarm a r pce Teutonic name of
Jn Bl Kirschba'um, of
0Tollingen, in 1859?
Besides, they were
Approved by the Di-
FICE OFT rector of Naval
CJ hOSCHEN p NCELLO Ordnance only the
Q F THE other day compara-
XCHEQ timely, at least in
187 Altogether,
the Kent cricket
captain seemed ra-
ther stumped, and
had to sing small
about our small-
Sarms.
.Commons.-
Woodall anxious to
S learn would all the
bishops who refuse

Matthews informs
him that Home Sec. not at home in ecclesiastical jurisdiction, and that
archbishops must see to their sees. Byron has remarked that "every
woman is at heart a rake." This perhaps accounts for Raikes being
appealed to by Gourley as an authority on mails. Satisfactory to learn
that two British companies have got contracts for carriage of these to
America. We are very attached to our cousins German, and we, as
a matter of course, allot to them the supply of our weapons, the command
of our army and navy, our palaces, our parks, and our princesses; but
John Bull is such a selfish creature, and he will expect to have a look
in somewhere.
The only habitually silent member among the Parnellites, the." chief"
himself, breaks for once the silence which is, perhaps, the secret of so
much of his power. Adopting the Irish mode of "treading on the tail
of my coat," he puts his foot down on the Address. Severely reproves
audacious Government for daring to insinuate that as such it must
govern. After Macdonald has seconded the most important amendment
of the Address, Baggally, the Brixtonite, follows, and House empty, or
rather filling, in dining rooms. Later on Mr. Johnston of Ballykilbeg
appeals to Parnellites to unite with Ulster in the regeneration of Ireland
by developing her resources. Attorney-General for Ireland surveys the
plan of Home Rule Campaigners, and contends that arguments of
member for Cork "trifles light as air," or the substance of the same
name as hon. member's borough.
Tuesday.-Lord Cross brings in Glebe Lands Bill, measure to mete
out these lands in allotments. Another article stolen by Tories while
Libs. bathing, or rather washing out their linen.
Commons.-FUN is pleased to hear from Mr. Northcote that Mr.
Kynock's statement as to contract for cartridges going to Germany a
canard. His first remark was, I can hardly believe it."
The O'Morley informs House he has never up till now felt the atmos-
phere so leaden-perhaps this is because so many Liberals have been
misled by him. The Grand Old Collar absent, but Captain Hozier (no
relation to Captain Cuff) braces himself up to opposing the amendment,
and makes Parnellites very shirty, invests debate with humour, and House
pants with laughter at the Captain's reference to the garment of Joseph.
Wednesday.--Debate on Parnellite patch on Address to Queen opens
with Tuite willow solo. Bernard Coleridge illustrates fact that legal
acumen and ability not hereditary. Solicitor-General muzzles this stray
Bernard.
Thursday-Lords.-Morley and Harris in state of virtuous indignation.
No wonder those lovely cutlasses and bayonets have been damaged.
Some inconsiderate person has been actually bending them, and sticking
them in things. Nice sort of usage for drawing-room ornaments I
Commons.--Hartington complains that if Address to Her Majesty
amended much more, 'twill never reach her. Goschen drops in from
Hanover Square amid loud Liberal and Government cheers.


Nr .. 73


Beauty on Doorsteps.
[At a recent meeting of the National Health Society, Sir James Crichton Browne
said that whatever might be said of the beauty of the daughters of Italy and Spain,
they (the meeters) would see more true loveliness in a morning's walk through the
West End, engaged in cleaning down the doorsteps, than in the fashionable drawing
rooms of that quarter."]
SIR CRICHTON BROWNE, Sir Crichton Browne,
O, M.D. of position,
Your statement caused throughout the town
A most amazed condition.
We ought to be a happy band,
When one of such repute is
Inclined to fancy ours a land
Of doorstep-cleaning beauties.
But surely this big beauty show
Of which Sir C. would tell us,
Will deal high damsels quite a blow,
And make each missus jealous.
Let's hope they will not cry "Alack !
We'll do these menial duties,"
And then incontinently "sack "
Those doorstep-cleaning beauties.
This notion's apt to cause, we fear,
Rebellion 'mong the slaveys;
Mayhap their little heads they'll rear,
And think they're rara aves.
When "missus scolds, they'll say "Pooh-pooh I
Sir Crichton B., who 'cute is,
Says we're much lovelier than you,
Us doorstep-cleaning beauties !"
All this one benefit may show,
'Twill really be surprising
If man does not, up Westward Ho,
Go in for early rising.
Not simply for health's sake, we'll say,
And exercising duties,
But just to see that vast array
Of doorstep-cleaning beauties,

MADAME PATTI intends visiting Utah, and singing to the Mormons.
For divers reasons the diva's chief song is to be Rock me in my little
cot."

SPORTING NOTE.
(BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT.)


BiM^~ii~^^ff W\.


S To CORRMsroNDBv TS.--TA Editor doss not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contribution. In no case will hely be retumnd unlEu
accomparmid by a stampid and directed te#il4p, .







74 iF U T FEBRUARY 16, 1887.

FURTHER WAR RUMOURS.
IN chronicling these rumours of war which have reached him, FUN is assured that (to quote a phrase familiar to newspaper readers) there is no truth whatever in
the report" contained in any one of them.
S,-,.,--- -- ..... -- P --


It is said that General B ulanger is Following the orders prohibiting the exportation of horses, a new regulation Prince Bismarck, after buyingup all
devstine all his time to the analysis of forbids exportation of asses. A pity-as the good folk of France and Germany Ihe snails in France, has been making
sauerkraut. could get on well without them. experiments. He doubts the efficac)3
of adding them to the German Commis-
sariat, it is said.


There has been another fall in French Funds. One report says an engagement has already taken The Imperial Government have recalled these gentry to
place. French rolls and German sausages suffered Germany. Boulanger may well pause: 5o0,o00 men would
severely. On the face of it, this is preposterous, be nothing compared with an army corps of these.

A Dangerous Performance. Besides, supposing it don't break, Apparently embarks with glee
(SEE CARTOON.) The foothold it's affording Upon a like endeavour.
At best is risky, and must make
To wheel a man across a rope The wheeler's risk according. The risk, no doubt, he sets at naught,
(Whereby its curve gets bulged in) To bravery no stranger;
Is not a sort of feat, I hope, And he's nigh sure to get a spill Yet is it a performance fraught,
That's frequently indulged in. Upon a path so narrow, Methinks, with signal danger.
If he's unable to keep still
Because a rope, though strong at first, The man inside the barrow.
And solid in dimension, Gratis Supplement-Coloured Portrait.
May weaker grow in time, and burst, But now Lord Hartington, we see, G pplm t- Potit
On too prolonged a tension. Being extremely clever, SEB "JACK AND JILL," FEBRUARY 19th.

DON'T BE CHEATED I
SEE THAT iS1
JAM E' Cadbrys

nfM ^1 BLAC K GUARANTEED
'DOME LEAD. a SOLUBLE Cocoa
Used in the Royal Household. C o oa
No dug., or mall pari"ces fly about tIu re, y BEW ARE OF IMITAI TIONB.
Dmp ry, P'cttu, CarpeFurniture, Omaisents, &lc.,
it brit t polish increases the attractions of the fireside.
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February 16th, 1887.





FUN T.


Foo D


housE


ST E\E


c' yJ |ca i B- \vSELL, 8' yoU Do, IVE 0 DOUBT
J.Uy FST 0-/,,/ T F- Wl .~ DOW BEFOR~E yo o90 oU
YOUR PRECIOUS 'EALTH.-PART II.


VOL. XLV.-NO. 1137.


Ti~
..I~


W








76 FU N FEBRUARY 23, 1887.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE COMEDY.--Mynheer 7an was produced here with all necessary
splendour on Valentine's evening, and nobody and nothing is much the


THE COMEDY.-MiSS D'ARVILLE-VERY LIKE A CAMILLE.
worse-not even Mr. Harry Paulton's reputation as a librettist. What
Mynheer _7an is about luckily doesn't matter much, as nobody can find
it out. The critics, who, as a rule, are unanimous and never dispute a
brother scribe's dictum, are very much at variance. Some bold spirits
say it's about nothing, some even bolder spirits say it's about something;
but in no case do they seem quite clear as to the degree either of the
nothing or the something. On one point only do they approach any-
thing like general agreement, but there their unanimity is wonderful;
they all declare most positively that the last act consists of the audience's
going and seeing the ballet at the Alhambra up the street; and this
statement I am able to endorse from personal experience.

Mynheer fan is capable of yielding considerable pleasure to the happy
being who doesn't listen to it. Mr. Paulton is the victim of one curious
fallacy. He has acquired the belief that to repeat the words of a sentence
in many different ways till you have reduced it to nonsense is a sparkling
scintillation of humour, and in this way he sparkled frequently. As
everybody knows, moreover, that his collaborator, Mr. "Mostyn Tedde,"
is his own son, the reflection is forced upon one that he is bringing up
his offspring in the same belief.

THE music is "tuney" and taking, and altogether very pleasant to
listen to. M. Jakobowski has done nothing impertinently original, and
some of the singing is very good, the Chorus occasionally singing in parts.
Miss Camille D'Arville is one of my favourite singers; everything she
did was a thorough enjoyment on the opening night, and in spite of her
somewhat sad and expressionless manner, she is very pleasantly piquant
at times. The law of libel is so very severe that one has to be extremely


THE COMEDV.-DUTCH METAL.
careful what one says, but I'm sure Miss D'Arville will understand hat
when I describe her as a perfect "macEroon," I use the expres-ion with


respect, and solely in a complimentary sense. Mr. Wyatt has a lengthy
rdle, and in some sense looks the part, for he has an aspect of marked
lengthiness, he is very lithe, and spry, and merry, and what I would
describe (without prejudice) as a regular gingerbread nut."

MR. PAULTON'S style has its admirers (although I am not one of
them), and he certainly works untiringly and unflinchingly, being re-
warded with much applause, and in calling him an apple pie," I intend
nothing whatever disrespectful. Mr. Sydney Harcourt makes a very
good Don Diego, proving himself quite a "cake" (a phrase I shall be
hippy to unreservedly withdraw if Mr. Harcourt has any objection to it,
although I can scarcely suppose him reluctant to take the cake either.)
Miss Violet Melnotte is (Mel)notte much of an actress, and is appro-
priately supplied with not much of a part; she had two or three hand-
some dresses, though, and is, generally speaking (and strictly in a Pick-
wickian sense,) a soothing little "cough drop." M. Marius in his
familiar part of a fiery general, is a capital bit of plum-duff" (if he will
allow me to call him so), and Madame Amadi, who succeeds in impart-
ing something like originality to a wofully hackneyed kind of part is as
refreshing a cream-ice as you will see in a day's march (ample apology
in all the daily papers if phrase objected to).

MR. JOSEPH TAPLEY, the tenor, sings exceptionally well, and it he
lacks clearness and fulness of voice, is yet very pleasing in style and
effect. His acting wants looking up a bit, but he has one advantage
over the majority of tenors-his speaking voice is not ludicrously high-
pitched, and he is generally quite the oyster-patty (the epithet "patty "
being in the highest degree complimentary from a musical point of
view, I make no apology for using it). Miss Kate Munroe is a delicious
little "acid-drop," Miss Emma Broughton a lovely "Irish stew," and


THE COMEDY.-ALICE LETHBRIDGE AND SAL TERELW O.
Mr. De Lange a refreshing cup of tea "-which expressions are by no
means used in a derogatory sense; and I'm sure Miss Amy Martin (who
made a very favourable first appearance on the stage and sang a barcarolle
with some success) will acquit me of any desire to give pain when I
put on record my opinion that she is a delightful cracknell."

BUT the biggest success was achieved by Miss Alice Lethbridge, who
so livened things up with a dashing and spirited rendering of a "Salte-
rello dance," that she would have been encored till the present moment
in all probability, had she not supplied, also, the most dramatic incident
of the evening, by fainting after the first encore. Miss Lethbridge has
improved wonderfully, and her dance is worth bearing Mynheer Jan to
see. It is lamentably short, but you can eke it out by encores (tempered
with mercy); and when you have seen and enjoyed it you will agree with
me, and without intending anything offensive, that this lady is the most
seductive "cheese-cake and cherry-brandy of the lot. NESTOR.


Antipathies.
HENRY III. of France could not stay in the room where there was a
cat. Scaliger trembled at the sight of water-cresses. James I. could
not endure the sight of a drawn sword. Erasmus became greatly
agitated at the smell of fish, and we turn "greenery-yallery" at every
unpleasant aroma that salutes our nostrils; but being blessed with a
quarter of a grain of common sense, we crowd down on all effluvia, when
possible, by using CONDY'S POWDER, which is effective, rapid, and
handy.








FEBRUARY 23, x887. .UN. 77



'Hul/ -.


4tivl / 1Wjj


SHE BROKE IT OFF.
Maudie (to her Brother's Fianci).-'" I'M SO GLAD YOU WRITE VERSES, FLOSSIE DEAR. YOU AND JACK WILL JUSY SUIT EACH
OTHER; HE'S VERY FOND OF POETRY."
Flossie.-" DOES HE COMPOSE?"
Maudie.-" I'VE NEVER READ ANYTHING OF HIS, BUT I HEARD HIM TELL PA THE OTHER DAY HE WAS THINKING OF A COMPO-
SITION WITH SOME OTHER PEOPLE-OH WITH HIS CREDITORS, HE SAID."


Peter's Pancakes.
PANCAKES have been articles of consumption of which we have heard
much, but seen little, of late years, in our little place.
It takes a good deal to daunt me-and the absence of the mistress of
the cuisine is not one of those things that was going to do it, I was
determined.
Last year I said to my youngest, "Peter, fetch hither your mother's
cookery book, and I will attack the frittery fortress myself !"
I turned to the article. "Pancakes.-To every egg allow one ounce
of flour, about one gill of milk, and half a salt-spoonful of salt."
"Mode--Ascertain that the eggs are fresh." All very well, but how
can you do it? The only way I could think of, was to see them laid !
That was, obviously, impracticable, so I depended upon the eggist, who
assured me those I purchased were fresh. "Break each one separately
in a cup." Could any one break them all at once, only having two
hands. I broke nine separately into the basin, and then I discovered
that those eggs-well they might have been fresh-once, but the person
who had them last had evidently thought the shells contained wine
that would improve with keeping and mellow with age. These yelks
had mellowed with age-very much so-but it would be stretching the
meaning of the phrase to say they had improved with keeping I
Whisk them well, and add the flour, salt, and afew drops of milk."
I whisked with a thing that slipped its cogs, and I frequently turned
the wheel a dozen times without causing one revolution of the beaters.
However, it nearly caused one revolution on the part of the whisker,
who objected to be bearded by a beater. "Beat the whole into a smooth
batter." It very nearly beat me before I had done with it. How could
I tell when it was smooth? Not being a carpenter, I couldn't plane it;
not being a laundress, I couldn't iron it smooth Then pour in, by
degrees, the remainder of the milk." It was lucky I had the thermometer
handy. I inserted it, but I got tired in the course of half-an-hour.


" The proportion of this latter ingredient must be regulated iy the size of
the eggs," &c., &c. Yes, but how ? I suppose women know these things
intuitively. What a fortune is waiting for the author of a Bachelor's
Cookery Book" "Place afrying-pan on the fire to get hot." What a
fat-headed remark; as if anyone would be ass enough to put it there to
get cold. I placed ours on, and stirred for about half-an-hour. Then
I took up the pan to pour in my batter, and put it down again imme-
diately, outside the kitchen window, without going through the formality
of opening it There was one point in the Mode" I bad thoroughly
observed ; I had "put the pan to get hot," and hot it certainly had got;
and its handle had in a marked degree partaken of its caloricity !
I have always made it a point to draw the line somewhere, and on this
occasion I drew it there.
I have a brand on my left hand I shall carry to my tomb. There
was no flour left to construct a poultice, and my concoction was never
cooked, but next day found its way down the kitchen sink.

MDLLE. REICHEMBERG is responsible for the advent of that nasty
mixture now served at some of our principal restaurants under the name
of "Japanese salad." After much cajoling, we induced a broken-
haired terrier, who will eat anything, to partake of "Japanese salad"
the other night. He now lies in the sweet mixed clay of our back
garden.

A FEROCIOUS-LOOKING male, making a tour round the south coast
with a Bible in one hand and a hatchet in the other, was arrested lately.
His idea was to make people accept the Bible through fear of the
hatchet, and he stated that he wasn't aware that he was doing any evil
in attempting to do so. The Bench opined that the sooner he drifted
towards the metropolis and got Colney Hatched, the better.


I `








78 IF' J sT. FEBRUARY 23, 887,.


CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.

THE PERPETUAL SHIFT SYSTEM;
OR, LESSONS IN STRAIGHTFORWARDNESS FOR YOUNG MINISTERS.
(THE following dialogues, setting forth the method of feeling out of
awkward corners, have been compiled expressly for young candidates
for the Ministry entering for the necessary examination for ingenuous-
ness :-)
Shift I.- The Complete Ignorance Stratagem.
INSUFFERABLY INQUISITIVE BUSYBODY. By-the-way, Messieurs the
Government, have
you heard anything
about some defect
in the swords served
,- out to our fighting
men?
MINISTER. Eh?
Swords? What's
sword? If the hon.
Member will kindly
inform me what a
Ssword is, I will en-
deavour to answer
his question.
(Question deferred
for a week, for In-
quirer to inform the
o Government what a
sword is. Every
SIB. ter- f delay is worth its
weight in gold.)
I. I. B. Well, now, Mr. M minister, as I have explained what a sword
is, may I ask whether you have any information, &c., &c. ?
MIN. Eh ? Bless your soul Government haven't heard a word about
the affair. Didn't even know our fighting men used swords.
I. I. B. But the report of the affair has been thoroughly corroborated
on the highest authority, and the matter is perfectly well known to
everybody.
MIN. Except the Government, I assure you. But I will cause in-
quiries to be made, &c., &c.
Shift II.-The Counter-Question Wile.
I. I. B. Now, Mr. Minister, as you have had ample time for inquiries,
may I ask, &c., &c. ?
MIN. Before I can answer the hon. member's question, I must ask
him to tell me theTnames of the particular soldiers and sailors to whom
defective swords were served out, together with the christian names of,
and the number of teeth possessed by, the maternal grandmother of each
soldier, and who served out the sword in each case, and who made the
sword, and how much was paid for it, and what the department thought
of it at the time, and--
I. I. B. But surely, Mr. Minister, these are matters known only to
the Government?
MIN. That's just it; and we'll take jolly good care not to let 'em out
to you. He he (This is a great chalk to the Minister.)
Shift III.-The Protestation Ruse.
MIN. Eh? What? Defective swords? We find it's all stuff and
nonsense, and there's not the faintest foundation for the report, as I
told you when you first mentioned the subject.
I. I. B. Why, you told me you hadn't heard a word about it.
MIN. Eh? Did
I? Very likely.
But I now find I
was on the spot at
the moment when
the swords are stat-
ed to have been
twisted up into
corkscrews (by vul-
gar unofficial per-
sons); and I em-
phatically declare
that no such tests
Took place, and that
Shey were wholly
unfair and disgrace-
ful, and that the
swordsdid notbend,
and that it is not
to be wondered at
that they did so
under such unfair tests. Of course no sword can expect to stand being
tested by an unofficial and irresponsible person. The sailors were so


unfair as to twist the weapons round their little fingers. Any weapon
would bend when the little finger is used as a fulcrum.
Shift IV.-The Unbiassed Investigation Dodge.
MIN. To prove to you how thoroughly above suspicion those swords
are, I need only say that, before being served out, they were subjected
to the most searching tests by competent and wholly unbiassed parties.
I. I. B. What parties?
MIN. (high-mindedly). What parties? Why, the officials of the De-
partment which served them out; and if thatisn't reassuring enough-
I. I. B. Well, it isn't.
MIN. Well, then, I have only to record one other fact to set the mind
of the public entirely at rest. The weapons were subjected to the most
severe and unbiassed tests by the contractor who supplied them to the
Department. The Department had his unprejudiced and independent
opinion that the weapons were absolutely perfect. (This is a complete
victoryfor the Minister.)
Shift V.-The Flat Refusal Smasher.
I. I. B. As some people might not be quite satisfied of the unbiassed-
ness of those investigations by interested parties, will you lend your
assistance to an inquiry by Jones, Brown, and Robinson, who have paid
for the swords?
MIN. See you hanged first Most irregular.
I. I. B. Then will you give the name of the official who is responsible
for-?
MIN. You bet I won't. He might get the punishment he deserves !
I. I. B. Then will you stick up the swords in a conspicuous place for
the public to examine?
MIN. No fear Know a trick worth two of that!
I. I. B. Then will you inform me what steps you will take ?
MIN. Oh, yes; I'll do that. I shall go on in the regular official
groove, shielding the culprits, evading all "unofficial and irrespon-
sible"-(that is, really open ard unbiassed)-inquiries, revealing only
so much as is absolutely dragged out of me, and, when the affair has
blown over, allowing the same abuses to go on in the same way till the
end of the chapter. (Minister subsequently accepts a coronet.)


NASSR-ED-DIN, the Shah of Persia, went hunting bears recently, but
with gross disrespect the bears took to hunting him. An attendant
who managed to save the monarch was made governor of a province on
the spot. It is whispered that the potentate and his protector were
both under the influence of sherbet" at the time of the rescue. The
attendant stands a fair chance of being secretly strangled within six
months, as a foolish, energetic, interfering person.






j -*
-- -i ,-n


THAT DREADFUL LADY DOCTOR!
Dr. _emima Stalker (to Interesting Invalid).-" Umph So you
suffer from indigestion and sleeplessness, do you? Ah your system,
doubtless, requires tone. You must take no stimulants whatever, and
eat three large Spanish Onions every day. You may have them either
boiled or bruised. They are the finest things in the wor- "
[Interesting Invalidvigorously makes for Dr. femima, forcibly
ejects her from the house, and calls in a dear, kind, male
physician, who instantly prescribes pate de foie gras and
curacao, mixed with cream.








FEBRUARY 23, 1887. i' U 79


BAD BOYS' BALLADS.
III.-IVAN IVANOFF.
OVER the river a great way off,
Lived a boy named IVAN IVANOFF,
Whose hands were dirty, whose games weresad,
And his general conduct remarkably bad.
It was said in his infancy the child
Had been nursed by a creature extremely wild,
Some thought 'twas a wolf, and others a bear,
Or that he'd been fondled between the pair;
And one ancient man in a Muscovite wig,
Declared he remembered this bonne was a pig.
'Twas never settled, but all did agree,
That IVAN greatly resembled the three,
For his growls, and howls, and grunts, and all
Were quite porcolupine ursinal,
And his conduct whenever he had his will,
Was more piggy, wolfy, bearish, still.
He bullied his poor old Tartar mother,
And cuffed and kicked his younger brother,
And stole their votky and caviare,
Singing Bogu Tsarachnie," God and the Czar.
It was IVAN'S only scrap of wit,
And he made the most he could of it,
" For God and the Czar are a long way off,"
Thought Master IVAN IVANOFF.
When tired of teasing the family,
"I will have some fun outside," quoth he;
" There is HANS, that German boy, he's grim,
But it's easy for me to humbug him;
I'll lend him some toys to keep him quiet,
While with the others I make a riot.
There's that wretched urchin of Bulgaria,
If once I catch him down in the area
I'll pitch the gravel and dirt on his head;
And lazy Osman, he's nearly dead,
I've had many a row with him before,
Now I'll give him a licking and end the score.
But the boy whom I hate of all the most
Is that English JOHNNY. Whatever it cost
I'm bound to do my best to whack him,
And half of his family now won't back him;
But my younger brother-confound thewhelp!-
If he sees me fighting, will come to my help.
When it's over I'll make him feel my fist-
The nasty, snivelling Nihilist.
So it's hip, hurrah for a holy war !
Bogu Tsarachnie God and the Czar !"
But he who reckons without his host,
Must reckon twice, or his time is lost;
When Ivan went at the boy Bulgaria,
He wouldn't stay just down there in the area,
But came to him running out of the door,
Followed, I ween, by forty more.
And, oh, such a crew as he had at his back,
Servian, Madgyar, and Slovack,
Chech, and Croat, and Illyrian,
Pole, and Wallach, and Styrian,
Gipsies, Jews, and Latin Roumanians,
As ripe for fight as Irish Faynians
From the Austrian colluvies gentium.
IVAN soon found that he couldn't quench 'em.
Licking that crowd was a thing not in him,
For every one had a spite agin him; "
And all that panned out of his years of intrigue
Was an anti-Russian Pan-Sclavic league !
As for what happened with English JOHN,
'Tis a subject I'd rather not touch upon,
For when John is perfectly in a passion
He can give as complete an artistic thrashin'
As any gentleman in the line,
And this time he did his best at trying. "
When he sees an eye he knows how to dot it,
And all I can say was that IVAN got it,"
Like sailors' grog, and got it neat,
Hot and strong, if it was not sweet.

But, oh, the bitterest of all-
Worse than colocynth mixed with gall,
With a drop of strychnine to make a flavour-


CREDIT-ABLE?
Mr. Jones.-" THOSE BOYS OF ROBINSON'S ALWAYS
MONEY."
Mr. Smith.-"YEs. I SUPPOSE ROBINSON FINDS T
KEEPING UP HIS CREDIT."


Was HANS, the ungrateful boy's, behaviour;
For, seeing Ivan stunned with knocks,
He seized his beautiful Baltic box,
And now whistles over it like a linnet,
And keeps his own little soldiers in it;
While Ivan dare not utter a note,
For the German hand is on his throat,
And his younger brother, the Nihilist,
Goes on in a way that he can't resist;
So he never says a word about war,
Or sings about giving "a life for the Czar."

To be Sure.
"OH! if you please, Mr. FUN, I hear that
Her Gracious Majesty the Queen has presented
Mrs. Kendal with a beautiful brooch in recog-
nition of her visit to Osborne the other day;
and what I want to know is, is that the meaning
of the celebrated phrase 'broaching the
subject' ?"

ACCORDING to the statement of an ardent
admirer, General Boulanger's skull is just like a
vulture's. From his religious opinions we should
hardly take Bully to be a bird of prey.


SEEM TO HAVE PLENTY OF

HAT THE CHEAPEST WAY OF


The Dogs of War.
GERMANY and France-
Dogs prepared for fighting-
Ready to advance-
Want the war torch lighting.
Muscles strained, and tail
Stiffly stuck erectly,
Longing tooth and nail
For a fight directly.
Bismarck looking good,
With his pipe and liquor;
Wishing that they would
Move a little quicker.
Boulanger, the sly,
Trying to incite 'em,
Wishing that some fly
Stingingly would bite 'em.
Soon there'll be a row,
Mastiff growls, and poodle,
As before, so now,
Crows like Yankee Doodle.
When the fight is fought,
And they've taken Paris,
France will be a nought,
Like our Mrs. Harris I









8o FUTJ FEBRUARY 23, 1887.


SOME BRITISH COMMODITIES.-NO. II. THE PUTTY CUTLASS.


"Look here, Mr. Official," says John Bull. This cutlass has been twisted into t iis shape in trying to cut butter with it I" No wonder I" says Mr. Official.
It's ot fair to fut any swordto a stronger test than that which it was made to stand.* This sword was only made to cut melted butter."


"Then just move that screen, and let me see who's respon ible, says John Bull. "Oh, certainly," replies Mr. Official, blandly; but somehow it is all so dark and
muddley behind that screen that not a soul is distinguishable.


And now we will give J. B. a hint. Let him provide himself with a pair of handcuffs, and sit down in frontof that screen and wait. In due course a hand will
emerge from the departmental obscurity behind, in search of its salary. Then let J. B. clap on those handcuffs. But, bless you I he won't; he'll place the salary in
that hand, like the lamb he is I
Remark by Lord Harris in Parliament.







FT JIN.-FEBRUARY 23, 1887.


THE NEW COOK; OR, TOSSING THE PROCEDURE PANCAKE.
Mrs. Bull.--"NOW, WILLIAM HENRY, DO IT BROWN, AND MIND YOU DON'T DROP IT."
I I


---------~--









82 IF FEBRUARY 23, 1887.


KNIOKNAOKS.
THE editor of a German newspaper has been sentenced to undergo a
stiffish term of imprisonment for writing "whackers" about the Great
White Czar. Had he given, as
mere rumours, the same stories
that he gave as facts, he would
not now be living on very inferior
diet in a particularly badly
drained gaol. By the way, the
latest absurd flying report anent
the "Little Father" is, that he
is in the habit of inviting one of
his guards to join him in a nightly
"two of vitriol crawl." The
same soldier never goes a second
time; for while the potentate is
invariably discovered comfortably
in bed the next morning, the
guard is always found stretched
South in the streets- frozen to
death. The Muscovite warrior
Slices vitriol to excess, but a gra-
o cious, condescending request from
the "Little Father" to pilot him
S round the shebeens" of St.
Petersburg or Moscow is re-
ceived with terrible alarm by the
toughest Russian soldier. Were
we not in deadly fear of spending
six months in Holloway for libelling a friendly sovereign, we should
distinctly assert that the Great White Czar is a staunch teetotaler, and in
daily communication with Sir W. Lawson, Mr. Stead, and General"
Booth.

AN ex-officer of the Swedish Navy has designed a yacht for an
American senator. The contract price for building the boat is
S130,000o Several jealous Yankees say he is the most designing
foreigner they have ever met with, and they hate him with a big hate
because he has taken the wind out of their sales.

A SHORT while ago an anaconda snake, some seventeen feet long,
escaped while being conveyed across a public park in New York. This
ferocious reptile did not crush anybody into marmalade. It was carted
back into its cage supine as a pantomime property, and there was weep-
ing, wailing and gnashing of teeth among the penny-a-line purveyors of
sensational news.

THE demand for frogs in the New York market far exceeds the
supply. One of the largest frog-farms in the United States is, strangely
enough, located in a place called Waterloo-suggestive of frog-eating "
Frenchmen. By-the-way, as a matter of fact, one might do a day's march
through Paris without finding a Frenchman who had even tasted the
hind-legs of a frog.

A GENTLEMAN connected with the French Embassy recently dined
with the representative of the Sultan of Morocco at Fez. The meal con-
sisted chiefly of greasyfricasses of mutton, and fowls smothered over
with jam, sugar, honey, and squashed fruit. The choicest dish was
carried by an obese old slave who accidentally slipped and shot the
whole of the savoury mess into the open front and ample sleeves of his
anything but white upper garment. With exceeding sangfroid he
picked the biggest pieces out and replaced them on the tray, and laid it
before the diners. The Sultan wished it to be distinctly understood that
although he was unable through pressure of State affairs to be present at
the banquet, the reception must be recognized as an Imperial one. i

OUT of a hundred dogs trained for outpost duty in the German service
only three have turned but failures. The sagacious animals never betray
their presence by howls while out with reconnoitring parties at night.
No, not even when the heaviest military boots descend on their tails or
their paws. On such occasions they seize the offending "trotter-cases,"
fix their teeth through the uppers, and hang on like grim death. Then
the owners of the boots generally betray their presence by howls, and
the officer in charge wallops them with the flat of his sword.

SHERIFF CAMPBELL SMITH says Dundee whisky is about the best
thing for burning the bottom out of a person's stomach that can be got.
We presume the sheriff has given it a careful personal trial before laying
down this dogmatic opinion. We have tasted a glass of Dundee whisky,
and we have swallowed, under protest, a tablespoonful of brandy, as
served in one of our East End music-halls, and conclude that the latter
fluid takes the cake as a deadly scorcher.


Worthless Weapons.
[The papers again teem with complaints as to the defective and worthless swords,
cutlasses, and bayonets supplied to the Army and Navy.]
HERE'S a lay of a glorious nation
SOn whose empire ne'er setteth the sun;
In warfare it e'er took high station,
Brave deeds have its warriors done.
Reputation, that much-sought-for bubble,
Its defenders have won without end,
But those heroes have swords that now double,
And also bright bayonets that bend !
Authorities, paid well for testing
The weapons its warriors need,
Shirk their duties-(it all seems like jesting,
But proofs of it daily we read).
These officials, it seems, never trouble
The slightest attention to lend,
In that land where the cutlasses double,
And blithely the bayonets bend !
That nation's brave Army and Navy
Are daily equipped with these toys;
Yet nobody ciieth Peccavi! "
And those testers that land still employs !
Indignation seems often to bubble
From the public, our warriors' true friend,
Yet the swords and the cutlasses double,
And the nice brand-new bayonets bend !
You ask me the name of that nation,
O, reader, erst gentle in tone;
And you add, with extreme perturbation,
Is the land you allude to our own ? "
The bard grieves to cause you such trouble,
But the land you would die to defend
Is the land where the swords gaily double,
And the so-called steel bayonets bend !

BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-WELL ON THE
BOOM.


"PRAY YOU, SPEAK NO MORE TO ME: I WILL LEAVE ALL AS
I FOUND IT, AND THERE AN END."-Troilus and Cressida, Act I.
Scene I.








FEBRUARY 23, 1887.


FUNT.


Through Gallic Glasses.
[A daily paper, commenting on the Congress of French Professors in England,
observes that French writers are ludicrously ignorant of English literature, manners,
and language.]
How well Monsieur Jean knows this island of ours,
Its manners and customs, its people and powers,
The language of Britain he's able to talk
In the days of his bottle, before he can walk.
He's "up" in our cuisine, is certain that we
Our fast break on rosbifand a Soda and B.,
And the succulent dinner that John Bull awaits
Is pile upon pile of saignant "shops and skates."*
The artist who draws us-how well he displays
The knowledge he has ofpe;fide Albion's ways;
We live in a fog and we never can smile,
For we're always the victims of spleen or of bile.
Our ladies are customerd to carry about
A couple of bule-dogues whenever they're out,
Our men spend their time between hunting the fox,
And beating their wives or the sport of le boxe.
With all our great men, too, Monsieur is aufait,
Of our poet, old Villiams, he has read every play;
He knows that Lord Churchill a duel has fought
With Sir Gladstone, and was by le bob AI caught.
In fact Monsieur Jean knows old England so well
That his nation will be but one great Max O'Rell,
And our English pen-drivers have nothing to do
But sit at the feet of the Gallic Mossoo !
This notice once appeared in a Parisian eating-house window,

A Cemetrical Finale.
ONE of the kindest-hearted magistrates in the kingdom informed an
Irish lady, who made her one hundred and twenty-second appearance
in court, that had she not been sent to prison with such extreme regu-
larity, she would have been located in a cemetery long ago. The Irish
lady expressed a hope that when she departed from this "wale o' tears"
the magistrate would give her a decentt funereel" at his "hown
expinse." His Worship remarked that these were hard times, and
though he should be happy to pay for her burial at some more prosperous
period, he had made up his mind to save her life a little longer by
sending her again to gaol for one month with hard labour.

A Dead Certainty.
WHEN addressing the Woolwich cadets, who had just earned their
commission in the army, Lord Wolseley told them the other day that
the surest way to success in the active service of their professions was to
take every opportunity of being shot. His lordship was, no doubt, quite
right; that is the very best method by which an officer can obtain pro-
motion-for others.


CONVINCING.
M aude (an expected visitor has not arrived).-" He said he would,
so why don't he ? If he wasn't going to, what did he say so for ?"


FLAT-TERY.
She (in a whisper, speaking of the Singer).-" He's a little flat,
isn't he ?"
He.-" Rather, especially about the shoulders."

ON THE HORRIBLE.
So we have a last new murder to talk about. I believe a murder's
about as good as a week at a Derbyshire sanatorium to some women.
It's meat and drink to them, and a healthy liver into the bargain. I
remember years ago an old maiden aunt of mine had a bad illness-
congestion, or something or the other. She couldn't move out of bed.
She lay and groaned all the day long, and lived upon boiled sole and
beef tea. At last someone came to her, and read about Mullins, the
murderer, and his killing an old woman with a hammer. All the more
the reader went into details, all the more the old lady brightened up.
I believe the Road Murder was the salvation of a lot of old women who
wanted stirring up. A good dose of horrible to most women is better
than all the quinine in the world. It's a digestive, and a tonic, and a
stimulant, and all the rest of it combined. Why, my landlady is always
in a better temper than usual, and I have my breakfast fish cooked
somehow like it ought to be, when she has got a good three-columns'-
worth of murder to go through.
The Chamber of Horrors would be nothing at all unless for the dear
women who go there to squint at the horribles. Last year I was a wit-
ness at the assizes. All through a good murder case the best part of the
crowd were women. It's a pity we can't have an inquisition started in
this great and happy country-there would be no lack of petticoat
audience to see the tortures. Women, as you know, used to go and
wait under the guillotine when the heads were falling. I don't, for the
life of me, see how they were worse than the women who lounge about
in their bedrooms and gloat over coroners' inquest reports. I'm sure I
don't. I never knew a boy yet who stuck a hairpin into a cat's tail,
but don't your dear little girls do it. I should think they did-the
little wretches Women are naturally born to cruelty. Go and watch
a little girl who is told off to look after her younger sisters. Doesn't
she slap them, just? Should think she does. Women and a love of
murdering go hand in hand. That's my firm belief. Bah !
DIOGENES TUBBS.

"COME, bustle, bustle,",as Maria said as she settled her dress-improver.








84 FJUN FEBRUARY 23, 1887.


AFTER A MATINEE.
6.0 P.M.-Oh, dear! isn't it too dreadful. I'm positively worn out
-as Charley would say, "played out." And played out is just what
I've been suffer-
ing from. A
matinie music-
ale. I wonder
why people will
go in for music !
Music, too,
r wearing one's

5 a music very well
with a well-cut
Sown. It shows
No- one's arms
nicely. Mine
are good arms.
And then, you
know, it really
is so fetching to
playChopinwith
your head just a
leetle on one side,
so that some-
body standing
beside you can
see what ears
S you have got.
Mine are small
S ears, not like
Cecilia's, which
are simply dreadful. Chopin is so sweetly languishing. A sweet dream
rhythm, so that one can gently sway one's self to it. I've known great
deal done that way.
6. 5.-I have just had my new gown brought in.9 Terra cotta and
Egyptian blue ; a sort of turquoise blue. Very quaint, you know. Then
it's so nice to feel that I'm one of the few girls whose skinsuits terra-
cotta, and it's such a killing colour for other complexions.
6.20.-Talking about music, how absurd girls are to play Beethoven.
No girl can look really the thing when she's playing a sonata. You
might just as well go in for being a sort of amateur casual, and think
you could fetch people by going on a treadmill. Cecilia says you might
if you had really pretty bottines. Cecilia's always talking some nonsense
or the other.
6.25.-As to playing Lieder ohne Worte, I wouldn't dream of such a
thing. They only remind you of bread-and-butter-eating schoolgirls
and penny readings. It's too awful to think about. The chief thing in
music is to make you look nice. No one cares about anything else,
One should think of suitable things. If you've dark eyes, and nice dots
of curls, and a petite figure, sing French chansonettes, and tra-la-la as
much as you like. When a great big girl like Cecilia sings tra-la-la-like,
of course it's too absurd. She ought to be German, and that kind of
thing. Now, I really have very nice hands, so I shall go in for the
banjo. Cecilia's hands are dreadfully red, and it will make her wild.
Yes, the only good in a matlince is that it makes you think about some-
thing of the sort.

A "Block "-head.
[The mantle of Mr. Warton has, it is said, fallen upon Dr. Tanner. The Doctor
blocks all sorts of motions without regard to the quarter of the House whence they
come.]
AN M.P. so given to "block"
We regard as a sort of a shock,
Such a member we feel we could mock,
For daring to act in this manner;
We feel that this muddling M.P.
Is not worth a sixpence, not he;
He's a coin that is quisby, you see,
And no one would take such a "Tanner."

THE Pope has started electric light in the Vatican. A Parisian friend
of ours says that his Holiness is merely doing vat he can to throw a
bright light on his private life. We sternly declined to lend him half-a-
crown on the strength of this brilliant witticism; in fact, we struck him
sharply between the shoulders, and escaped before he had finished choking.

IT is said that the iron grapnels known as Belgian Devils which
are used by Belgian fishermen for the purpose of destroying British nets
are manufactured in England. Perhaps this is well, for we may be
tolerably certain that they are made of shoddy material, and that the
purchasers have to pay through the nose for these diabolical instruments.


THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
MONDAY, February I4th.-Lord Delawarr is becoming a sort of
political cueist, continually pursuing subject of continuous brakes with a
view to avoid railway "cannons," thereby saving passengers' "lives"
and shareholders' "pockets." Next, Lord Inchquin gravely announces
his discovery that the Emerald Isle is in a bad way, and urges Govern-
ment to do something-his lordship doesn't exactly state what.
Commons.-Attorney-General and Home Sec. brought up by Cony-
beare, and Buxton, also of the beer-tribe respectively with respect to the
Poplar publican who sought juvenile Pop(u)larity by offering prize
coupons to the children who dealt with him for the family malt. Sir
Richard rather hazy about illegality of prize jug competitions," but
Matthews considered the promoter a prize Juggins.
Esslemont sets the new fad in motion. Tries hard to show that
Sandy is on as bad terms with his landlord as Pat, but can't get House
to believe him. Haldane makes dramatic exit to quick music and blue
fire. If imitation sincerest form of flattery, then Esslemont evidently
anxious to kow-tow to Dillon and Co. The cry is "still they come."
This time it is a Campbell coming. Sir George of that ilk has been
unwontedly reticent of late, and House has rejoiced in an immunity from
his soporific addresses, for which relief much thanks; but George evi-
dently jealous of Parnell and Joey B., and confident that he can make
himself as unpleasant as anybody if he tries hard. Hence his maiden
effort at ructions." Strikes the first blow in the cause of Home Rule for
Scotland. Well, it will soon be time for England to ask for something,
if only a little of the sunshine of the royal presence, for if Scotland has
no local Parliament, she monopolises the Crown.
Tuesday.-Lord Napier draws a depressing picture, and evidently
one touched up by an R.A., too, of the state of our Artillery. Lord
Harris denies that this arm of the service has been weakened by close-
fisted tactics; but somebody hints that Hariis is more of an authority
on bats than batteries.
Commons still on Address. FUN thinks they deserve a dressing.
Earthly subjects apparently being exhausted, Cameron moves an amend-
ment with respect to Skye and Tiree. House wofully thin, suggesting
that subject a Tiree-ing one. Dr. Clark breathes vague threats of
dynamite party in the Highlands. House retaliates by blowing him up.
Lord Advocate answers Cameron, at same time apologising for speaking
with his mouth full, as he has been suddenly hauled in from dinner by
motion for adjournment. House explains its complaint against him is
not for having dined, but having attempted to desert.
Wednesday.-Although the Crofters' greatest foe appears to be the
deer-stalker, his firmest friend certainly is Hunter. The London
University professor to-night pleads energetically on behalf of the rack-
rented race who have been more rigorously dealt with than the moon-
lighters of Kerry. Balfour suggests emigration, but the Highland
cotter's heart has an affection for the soil on which his family has dwelt


and toiled for generations as keen as that of the Galway peasant, and he
objects to clearing out to make room for the deer to pasture.
Thursday.-Dunraven follows Randy's example, and Lords witness
the second sacrifice on the altar of thrift, &c.
Commons.-The Smith a mighty man is he, and he brings down his
motion for precedence for New Rules like a sledge hammer. House
objects even more strongly than to the new muzzle to the manner in
which it is fixed on. Alas for the time when the lex non script of its
traditions was an unfailing guide and protection for the House of
Commons Bravo, Mr. Speaker! But for you the Address Debate
would have gone on, like The Brook," for ever. To-night the Cloture
takes the cake.








FEBRUARY 23, 1887. 1 T-iN 85

Modern Politics.
[The Saturday Review opines that modern politics, on both sides to
a great extent, but especially on the .Liberal Iside, have ceased to have
any foundation in reason.]
THIS statement is true to a certain degree,
Modern politics are a bit shady;
'Tis certain that many a modern M.P.
Is as changeable-well, as a lady.
Our St. Stephen's Solons now flounder about,
And seldom orate quite in season;
Yes, politics now a-days, there is small doubt,
Have little foundation in reason.
You'll admit that the Government now holding pow'r
(Though "pow'r is, we fear, a misnomer,)
Alternately seem but to shiver and cow'r,
At Randolph the fumer and former.
Just think of their terror when Randy resigned,
Indulging in what they called treason;
Which serves but to show the political mind
Can have no foundation in reason.
All sorts and conditions of "fads now obtain,
In the home of so-called legislation,
M.P.s always seem in a jabbering vein,
Ignoring the needs of the nation.
Any pretext by which they can prattle and pose,
Our senators suddenly seize on-
Which senseless proceeding, alas, clearly shows
That their politics haven't much reason.
The oracular organ which furnished our text,
Throws chief blame on the Liberal party; .
Now, Liberals truly are lately perplexed,
And certainly might be more hearty. _
But the Tory crew's sadly disorganized now,
And wouldd sink were a fairly stiff breeze on;
The Conservative creed seldom had, you'll allow,
The slightest foundation in reason.


IN Belgium a publican, who is considered responsible for
a serious illness resulting from boskiness, may be fined from NJ T QU TE CAU G H T-Y OU B It A !
2 to 80. Should the bibulous party's soul flit to a world First Horsey Party (on Fool).-"'Ow ABOUT SETI LING THAT LAST BET,
of spirits, the victualler stands a chance of being mulcted in JOHN? AH I'VE BEEN A-RUNNING ABOUT AFTER YOU FOR A PRECIOUS
,2oo, with ten years' imprisonment in default. Yet Bel- LONG TIME; BUT NOW I'VE CAUGHT YER, I 'AVE!"
gium, according to statistics, is the least sober country in Second Horsey Party (Afounted).-" 'Ow ABOUT Sr'IrLING TIIAT LAST
Europe, and that is saying a great deal. Here is still an- BET, JOSEPH? WELL-ER-WELL, STICK IT IN 11E RUNNING ACCOUNT
other proof that people cannot be made sober by Act of Par- TILL YOU REALLY 'AVE CAUGHT ME, JOSEP'II I "
liament. [Digs in his slpus vigorously.

SPORTING NOTE. New Leaves.
(BY ONE THAT KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT.) PERHAPS the most notable article in the second number of Scribner's
S11 magazine is "The Likenesses of Cnesar." The busts and statues,
reproduced from photographs, form a remarkable collection. Amongst
other attractions there are some masterly illustrations by Mr. A. B.
Frost to "The Story of a New York House." ltuff Papers for the
_People, No. I, "The Ecclesiastical Puff," by F. Sergeant (John Eey-
wood). This is not a puff-pie-ous, as those who turn-over its leaves
will find out; but it deserves a puff, and will be a good puff for the
"papers."
"Gotham and the Gothamites," by Heinrich Oscar von Karlstein;
translated by F. C. Valentine (Field and Tuer). This is written in
somewhat the same spirit as Max O'Rell's books. Those who best
know "New York and the New Yorkers" will see whether or not the
"Gothamites have had amongst them a wise man.
We have received the second volume of Lady Burton's edition of her
husband's "Arabian Nights," and gladly testify to its exceptional
merits, and to the handsome way in which it does honour to the splendid
monument Sir Richard erected for himself by the translation of these
deathless Oriental stories.

Ridiculous.
PETER POLTWATTLE and his friend Phuniman were at a ball held
at a large hotel in the City. Poltwattle, who knew the manager, said :
How splendidly light it is here, isn't it." "Yes," said his friend. "It's
lighted by contract, too," said P. P., always willing to impart infor.
mation. Is it ? responded Phuniman, "I thought it was lighted by
electricity."
They were separated with difficulty a moment later. And (as they
THE DRAW, AND THE WRONG ONE, TOO." say in the old game), the consequences were Two lovely black optics."

To Co n sroND~sTi--Te E ditor don not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or ay for Contribhutiu. Is no case will tkey be & wtud u nle
acomamaaied Jy a stamAed and directed exso le.








86 F UN.


A FEW PRODIGIES.
A TRANSATLANTIC prodigy has appeared, whose feats are to eclipse Weston's altogether. He walks for 27 hours out of the 24, or something like it. Sitting makes
him tired, he says. FuN hardly credited this, until he found from the following that the case is by no means phenomenal.


5'*C


A.,


FEBRUARY 23, 1887.


-~ ~ '


/2~
Ai~ies5i'i


"t


Works every blooming' day of the seven.
Don't know what a booze" is.


Tossing the Procedure Pancake.
(SEE CARTOON.)
WHEN I was young
And sometimes sung
Those rhymes that youth deems favourite;
One simple strain
Seem'd to contain
A special charm to flavour it;
For appetite was whetted, when
I used to carol now and then :
"Pat-a. cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man;
Bake the cake as fast as you can;
Pat it and prick it, and mark it with B;
And then serve it up for baby and me."


Is in tremendous demand for private theatricals. Never has
wanted prompter's aid, and never will !


On festive days
That gem of lays
We've all trill'd in the nursery;
And now, I wis,
'Tis fit for this
Shrove Tuesday's anniversary,
Bearing in mind the sort of cake
The new Procedure Rules will make:
"Toss a cake, toss a cake, Smith, my man;
Fry the cake as brown as you can;
Toss it and fry it, and mark it with P;
And then serve it up for the country to see."

IT iz a misfortune that it iz eezier tew porn
than tew wurk.-O. E. POTTS.


Never eats or drinks anything. Hates to see
people always gorging!


THE Chinese have suddenly invaded Ger-
many without making any declaration of war,
and a number of celestial "washerwomen" of
the male gender have penetrated into the very
heart of Berlin. Terrible alarm exists among
the Teuton Socialists, who abominate clean
linen, and who look upon the being whose
nails are not perpetually in mourning as an
animal unfit to associate with.

Ready Shortly. Price One Shilling.
TWIO CIHAR MS.


BY
ARTHUR T.


PAS K.


S 0************ "TONGA
* j reputation
*' ''lu OO -^ maintains its l j R k I1
0 r itaJ'@ 0 in the treat.
* O @ ment ol
************ Neuralgia."
-Lancer.
"Invaluable In facial Neuralgia. IMs Write as smoothly as a lead pencil, and neither scratch
proved effective in all those cases in which e nor spurt, the points being rounded by a new process.
have prescribed it."-Medical Press. SEVEN PRIZE MEDALS AWARDED. Ask your
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box, or send
2/9., 4/6., and 11/-. Of all ChemIsts 7 stamps to C. BRANDAUER and Co.'s PEN WORKS,
I., IrINGHAM ; or to their Wholesale Warehouse, 24
King Edward Street, London, E.C.


Cadbury's
GUARANTEED
PURE AND IC Ia
SOLUBLE. Cocoa
BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.






MARCH 2, 1887. IFTU N. 87


IDy ApAD


YOUR PRECIOUS 'EALTH.-PART III.


VOL. XLV.-NO. 1138.








IFUTTN.


MARCH 2, 1887.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.

THERE have been changes in the cast of Dorothy at the Prince of
Wales's, and Monte Cristo, rr., at the Gaiety, and there has been a new


THE OTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT IT.
Leading Actress (wto has just purchased a playJrom eminent author).-" Well,
Mr. Solely Cribber, if it fails, you'll be prepared for my suing you for damages for
getting me a bad Piece."
Mfr. Solely Cribber.-" On the contrary, Miss PAnflash; if the play fails, I shall
sue you for damages for ruining it with bad acting."
first piece by Mr. M. C. Salaman, called Dimity's Dilemma, produced
at the latter; but I have not had an opportunity of witnessing the various
results yet, somust postpone myvaluable comments till a more "convenient
season." Otherwise, things have been quiet, and I have nothing to do this
week but to nod and wink for a paragraph or two. As thus:-

NODS AND WINKS.-Miss Hawthorne will appear as Gilberte in
Frou-Frou next Wednesday (the 9th) at the Olympic.-This (Wednes-
day) afternoon Miss Barry presents Her Trustee to an expectant public
at the Vaudeville; the cast is strong.--The Lodgers have (or has) notice
to quit. They cannot have paid very well, as Mr Hawtrey will offer
an I.O.U. to the public immediately after their departure.--The last
performance of Alice in Wonderland takes place this (Wednesday)
afternoon at the Prince of Wales's. The first matinee of Dorothy is down
for the 5th.-They say that Mr. Campbell Rae-Brown has written a
play, founded on Tennyson's "Lady Clara Vere de Vere," which Mrs.
Conover will produce at a matine shortly.

MR. G. W. ANSON has decided to settle in Australia; this is a settler
itself.

WE have received two pretty and useful songs from John Purdie,
Edinburgh. The first is called "Come to me in my Dreams," by










.: ^',1 II *' \

I I

( r





Manager-" Here s rue for you." Actress (audi)-" Humph I I'll wear my
rue with a difference.' (Does so, and gets her notice.)

Matthew Arnold; and the second, "For Thee," by Victor Hugo, is
very gracefully set, and except that its title is an irresistible reminder of


Arthur Roberts, and that the poet practically condemns the heroine of
the verses to perpetual celibacy, will no doubt be equally popular. Both
songs are the composition of Miss Louisa H. Grant. NESTOR.

No Matter
AIR-From Iuddligore."
[Mr. William Crookes, in a rec nt lecture on the "Genesis o0 the Elements or, the
Birth of Matter," carried, beyond any other investigator, experimentation in the
nearest approach to a vacuum; and, amid loud cheers, he produced a little phial con-
taining air of only the fifiy-millionth part of common air in density, which contained,
he asserted, one hundred million million molecules, &c, &c.l
OUR scientists are constantly engaged in contemplation
Of the Origin of Matter, and their views show variation;
And they give off startling theories, despite the consequences
Which the action of these theories may have upon our senses.
With the millionth part of this or that our craniums they stagger,
And they grandly pose before us with a scientific swagger :
But were one to heed them much he'd be as mad as any hatter,
So confusing are their notions of the Origin of Matter.
Yea, evermore they chatter
Each other's views to scatter,
And their only talk is, "Matter, matter, matter, matter, matter."
The last one who has lectured is an erudite Professor,
One Mr. Crookes, an F.R.S., and no one's F.R.S.-er;
With a patience that is marvellous this Crookes experimented
To show to all and sundry how the atoms were invented.
And wouldd seem that he has got (to judge by certain commentators)
The "nearest to a vacuum, of all investigators ;"
For a fifty-millionth part of air he showed us in his patter,
Held one hundred million million merry molecules of matter.
It's wonderful, this latter
Startling boiling down of matter-
This ultra-homeopathic dose of matter, matter, matter.
The thirty million years ago that Thomson lately mentioned,
Crookes loftily pooh-poohed as a mere fancy, well-intentioned;
He went back far, far beyond this-ay, as cheerfully as may be-r-
And told tales about the Ages ere the Sun was yet a baby !
But after all, O readers, in this age of haste and flurry,
What boots it with the Origin of Matter thus to worry ?
To sit and tot up millions upon millions upon millions,
Is (to put it mildly) irksome for the bulk of us civilians.
Such scientific patter
Is apt all calm to scatter,
And the Origin of Matter" doesn't matter, matter, matter.

New Leaves.
THE third volume of "Lady Burton's Edition of her Husband's
Arabian Nights" has followed quickly upon the second. We readily
repeat our expression of the high estimation in which we hold the
superiority of this translation over all others. Many stories are included
which have hitherto been left untold.-" History of the Irish People,"
by W. A. O'Connor, B.A. (John Heywood). This is the second volume
of a history valuable for the influence it is likely to exert upon the con-
sideration of the vital questions concerning Ireland and its People. It
embraces the period from 1829 to 1881.-" Locksley Hall," an appeal
from Locksley Hall sixty years after," to Locksley Hall," by W. C.
Bennett (Hart and Co.) This is a radical and vigorous onslaught on
the poet Laureate's consistency or his inconsistency, and from a radical
point of view.-" Little Tu'penny," by the author of "Mehalah."
Little Tu'penny is far from being bad money. The quality of the story
reminds one of The Old Man's Spoon. "It isn't gold, it isn't silver,
but it's very good metal."
"The Dramatic and Musical Directory of the United Kingdom,"
1887 (C. H. Fox). We can scarcely over-estimate the usefulness to all
theatrical people, travelling companies especially, of a work like this, or
overstate the value of its copious and concise information. In its admi-
rable arrangement Mr. Fox has shown his cunning.-" The Playgoer's
Pocket Book," compiled by Paul Vedder (J. & R. Maxwell). This book
contains well written and descriptive accounts of the most important
plays of the year, interesting in themselves if the plays have been seen
or if not-in fact, "Vedder" or no. The illustrations are both red-y
and rough.

AN ingenious Johnnie has invented an electric machine for stamping
eggs immediately they are laid. He states that if this little machine is
fixed in a hen's nest, a rubber-stamp springs up every time she lays an
egg, and imprints the correct date, hour, and minute on the ovum. The
ingenious Johnnie deducts that the wiliest old hen in creation will not
be able to cheat or play foul in any way if his machine is universally
adopted.


_


_ ___~ ;_ ~__ ___








MARCH 2, I887. FU N 89

THE PLAN OF CAMPAIGN APPLIED ALL ROUND.
"WHAT IS MORALLY RIGHT CAN'T BE LEGALLY WRONG."-An M.P. during the recent Debate.



4 I 4L!


IW-" %- M WR"-- N \ \ Nil;1
:r 60 per cent for the Yes, I've had the beer, but it was so adulterated
; so I shall pay the that I paid the money to my pal 'ere as trustee,
end Captain Hawke, until we settles what ought to be a fair price for
Sfit." such stuff."

Nf I.


"Considering the fall in the price of agricultural pro-
duce, I shall not be morally justified in paying you
more than half the amount ot your bill, Mr. Suett."



Yus, m'lord, I did have the watch, I know, Master have joined the Plan of Cam- 'Hurrah, dea, I Sucn good news. We can be married next week.
but I was only a-going to take it to a profes- pain, and ain't going to pay anv more Shan't have to pay more than half-price for anything whilst the Cam-
sional friend o' mine to know what would be a rates or taxes." (Door slammed.) paign is on I"
fair price to pay the gentleman for it. consider-
ing as how the price of jewellery have so gone down."


A Cheerful Companion to the
Calendar.
MARCH-(FIRST HALF.)
Ist. SAINT David's Day. Of course you'll
dine,
If you're a Welsher, but on leeks,
Sup off Welsh rabbits, and, in fine,
Play nothing but Welsh harps and
freaks.
2nd. Czar Nicholas expir'd this day-
The strongest of all freedom-hushers-
What joy if all the world could say,
He was the last of all my crushers 1"
3rd. The Bill to make Bank Holidays
This day was pass'd, in seventy-one;
To Lubbock's praise these jolly days
Be credited with all their fun.
4th. Columbus this day warm Jamaica found,
And, as a Yank might say, "ad-
mir'd it-some ;"
Later explorers of its piney ground,
Without exception, found Jamaica-
rum.
5th. Old Covent Garden Theatre burn'd
down:
In the new house some fire still surely
lingers,


So many managers it has done brown,
Or, at the least, severely burn'd their
fingers.
6th. Great Michael Angelo Buonarotti
Was born this day, in fourteen-seventy-
four:
Architect, sculptor, painter, in one lot, he
Gave rivals back seats when he took
the floor."
7th. The Bank of England-gracious me !-
It must have something gay meant-
This day, in seventeen-ninety-three,
Believe who can-stopped payment !
8th. This day Dutch William-England's
Orange King,
And far from juicy, says authority-
Resolv'd his mortal rind away to fling,
And go and join the great'majority.
9th. Birthday of clever William Cobbett,
who,
Dogmatic teacher, advocated raising
Red maize instead of wheat; and tried
it, too,
And fail'd, which many said was not
amazing.
loth. Marriage of H.R.H. the Prince of
Wales
To Alexandra, universal favourite;


No one this day in loyal wishes fails
Who has the least pretension to be-
have aright.
I th. Impos'd this day, in forty-two,
And holds with grip that won't relax,
The Income Tax, which I and you
Would like to make the Out-gone Tax.
2Ith. For soldiers tir'd of War's alarms,"
In fickle Fortune's battles grounded,
For want of legs, or want of arms,
Old Chelsea Hospital was founded.
13th. This day, in eighteen-eighty-one,
Was Russia's Czar assassinated ;
A savage crime, excus'd by none,
However justly he was hated.
14th. The first Reform Bill pass'd this day,
In eighteen-thirty-two;
Don't let reformers fancy, pray,
They've nothing now to do.
i5th. Great Julius Caesar, on the Senate's floor,
Conspirators this day laid bleeding;
The deed was done in B.c. 44-
A very B.c.-ly proceeding.
16th. Jullien died this day, a misread man,
Whom shallow witlings airily abus'd;
Eccentric only by design,, hid plan
Spread music wide, the'while his airs
amus'd.







90 IN MAvCH 2, 1887.


Iiai


~IIj


iii
i i
I
i I '
II '!
'


IF


1)~IV


THE HARBOUR OF REFUGE; OR, THE VESTRYMAN'S WING.
"No BUSINESS OF HIs, BLESS YOU!"
A shopkeeper lately appeared before Mr. Slade, summoned y the Sanitary Inspector for selling adulterated milk. Defendant said that a neighbour on the
opposite side of the way sold exactly the same kind of milk with impunity. The inspector explained that the other side of the street was in the parish of St. Mary,
Newington, where the Adulteration Acts were never enforced by the Vestry. A.gentleman in court, who stated that he was a member of that Vestry, corroborated
the statement. Perambulating milk-vendors ran across the road to the Newington side to escape the Inspector."


n






SIETTU N .-MARCH 2, I887.


THAT WRETCHED CHILD!-ALWAYS IN A MESS.
Mrs. B.--"WHAT! HOWLING AGAIN. FIRST IT'S RANDY, AND THEN IT'S IDDESLEIGH, AND THEN IT'S LIVERPOOL,
AND THEN IT'S DUNRAVEN, AND NOW IT'S BURNLEY-YOU'LL GET SOMETHING TO CRY FOR DIRECTLY !"








92 F UN. MARCH 2, 1887.


A PRACTICAL FAIRY GIFT.
THIS is a story for infants. Grown-up readers may skip it.
There was once a little boy who was extremely good. Everybody
who saw him about
Bond Street, Pall
Mall, and Piccadilly
Sued to stop and gaze
upon him with ap-
proval and delight,
and pat his little
head, and sometimes
even give him some
little present such
as a cigar, or a cigar-
ette, or a drink at a
club.
Now, in spite of
his tender age-for he
was only just turned
twenty and eleven
months, and a little
.. -bit-this poor harm-
-- less little fellow was
beset by wicked ene-
mies on every side.
They lurked in the shops in Bond Street, and made pounces at him
every time he ventured by, and tried to peck him with their bills; but
little Algy was always nimble enough to evade their attacks.
And a fairy godmother observed this, and murmured to herself,
"Little Algy is really so very good that I must really go and bestow
upon him any fairy gift he may choose;" and when she arrived, she was
deeply pained to find poor little Algy in tears, and howling loudly.
She took him on her knee, and smoothing his golden locks, said kindly :
Poor little man What is the cause of your distress ?"
"Hang it replied little Algy. Man's the word-that's just it,
old girl I shall be a man to-morrow; it's my twenty-first birthday;
and, by Jove! it strikes me I had better clear by to-night's boat for
Boulogne, or some of those confounded harpies of -" Here his
words were drowned in a storm of heart-rending howls.
"Poor dear exclaimed the good godmother. "Now, pretty, I
came to be of use to you ; so just tell me what fairy gift you would par-
ticularly fancy, and it is yours."
"Straight? No kid?" asked the little innocent. "Well, then, I'll
tell you what I'll take. Make it perpetual infancy-let me never get
older than twenty years, eleven months, and the other bit, as it stands
now-twig ? "
"Very well," said the kind fairy; "it shall be as you ask; you shall
always retain your little down moustache, and your nice fresh colour,
and your slender figure, and- "
No-wait a second, old girl interrupted the child. "I fancy it
would work all the better if I didget a bit older in appearance-eh ?
Suppose you make me look about thirty-five straight off-eh? Better
business, I fancy."
Very well," replied the fairy; and she waved her wand; and in an
instant little Algy had become stoutish, and acquired a long cavalry
moustache and a blue chin, and a few fulnesses about the cheeks and
jowl, and so forth.
"That's prime said he, looking in the glass and chuckling; and
the good
fairy gave
therly kiss,
and vanish-
ed.

Nextmorn-
ing a great
line of ogres
from those
shops in
Bond Street
stretched
away from
the door of
-- Algy's dig-
gings for an
unbroken
half-mile.
.-iu, Algy looked
out of the
window, and instantly all the ogres set up a dreadful bloodthirsty roar of
Good morning. Perhaps, as you are of age now, you will kindly
settle my little bill for necessaries supplied."


Then Algy smiled a sweet little far-away smile, and handed out for
their inspection his fairy certificate proving him to be still an infant;
and the wicked ogres went home, after gnawing their thumbs a little,
muttering, "Well, of course he'll come of age in a week or two: it's
only a question of a few days."
But when they came again that day three weeks, little Algy was not
yet of age; so the ogres grew impatient, and took out summonses for
the amount of their accounts; but they hadn't a leg to stand on when
Algy's solicitor produced his fairy certificate of infancy, and were all
dismissed without their costs.
Now, the fun of it was that the certificate did not mention that Algy
would never be of age, but only that he was not so at the time.
So the ogres continued to supply Algy with necessaries-such as tooth-
picks cut out of single diamonds, and gold betting-books set with rubies,
and twelve plush dressing-gowns at a time-for another ten years; at
the expiration of which time they gave it up, and lost their money.
After that Algy tried a new set of tradesmen; and these, seeing a
gentleman of apparently thirty-five or so, were lax enough to omit to
write to his father and inquire whether Algy had his permission to order
things ; and when these ogres sent in their impertinent bills, Algy pro-
duced his certificate of infancy, and took the trick.
And where is little Algy now ?
Little Algy continues to thrive about the West-End. He holds a
commission in a crack regiment-(for an officer is always expected to be
a gentleman; and refusing to pay for articles you have ordered and
enjoyed has nothing ungentlemanly in it)-and is now older than his
father in appearance, but still under age ; so that he has no occasion for
a balance at a bank, and really doesn't know what to do with his pay
when he receives it. Really the tradesmen round that way appear to
be all as "young as Algy.

THE snappiest spring bonnet for the forthcoming season is appro-
priately named "the church-door magnet." It is a nice attractive
piece of head-gear, warranted to draw mashers, young and old.


A "SELL"!
Mr. Glaizenby.-" I'm told Palette has sold all his this year's
Pictures."
Mr. Daubison.-" Oh I I was under the impression that it was all
this year's Patrons."







MARCH 2, 1887.


FIJUN.


THE ROMAUNT OF THE SCHOOLMAN AND
THE PORK-BUTCHER.
A VERY PLEASANT LEGEND.
Now mark the School Board Officer, how mighty in his pride 1
Salaam to him respectfully, the hawk-and-Argus eyed;
He spots defaulting scholar-boys, no matter where they're housed,
And terrible's the wrath of him when thoroughly aroused.
Now Mr. William Harris was a sausage-maker bold,
Who chopped up "piggy-wiggies," which he put in skins and sold;
And Fortune the proceeding had approved to such a pitch,
That Mr. Harris (like his wares) was moderately rich.
But William had three little sons (as Williams often do),
And these had, one by one, received the name of William, too;
And if a name is everything that's pleasant to your mind,
I ask you fairly-Can you have too many of the kind?
If all you know of worth on earth's suggested by a name,
Should you be blamed for trying to perpetuate the same?
Besides, if you are tradesmen, with a feeling for your tills,
You must admit the policy of adding to your "Bills."
'Tis true, with boys all named alike, confusion might arise,
But Mr. William Harris solved the problem, I surmise-
He called them William One, and William Two, and William Three,
Which obviated any inconvenience, you see.
But little boys, however named, must all conform to rule,
And Gover'ment" has said that little boys must go to school;
But William One omitted to attend from time to time,
And o'er the House of Harris hung the shadow of a crime.
It seems to me but yesterday-this morning, so to speak-
When all the William Harrises were haled before the beak;"
The mighty School Board Officer had got them in his clutch,
But papa Harris didn't seem to mind it very much.
Then up and spoke the magistrate, remarking, What is this ?
How came this little boy his school-attendance so to miss ?"
Then up and spoke that boy's papa, so debonnaire and free,
With "May it please your Worship, but it seems like this to ms :-


'Although in learning drawn from books a boy should be a swell,
I think his education should be technical as well;
And, though my William goes to school, at home he often stops,
!That I may educate him in attending to the shops.
"' For want of knowledge technical, some sausage-making flats
Have gone and made their sausage-meat of puppy-dogs and cats,
While very many others have compounded it of horse,
Believing all the time that they were using pig, of course.
"So William, though he is but ten, I take to sale and fair,
And find him fairly equal to the folks encountered there;
For technical proficiency enables him to twig
That puppy-dog and pussy-cat are not the same as pig.
" And if you'll just look into his acquirements you will see
There are not many better-educated lads than he;
He reads (with my tuition) and he writes (with someone's pen),
And he asks a lot of questions (which I answer now and then).
" He banks my thousands for me (though he'll drop it now it's known),
He also has a sausage-shop and bank-book of his own ;
He draws, he swims, he mentally and 'plain' arithmetics,
And puts a little piggy-wiggy through some comic tricks."


This wasn't up to standard, so the beak observed, "three bob,"
But William, there is wisdom safely resting in your nob
Long may "the business" flourish underneath your gentle sway,
And may you find your little Bills all bigger day by day.


KNIOKNAOKS.
A FEW days back, while a French curl was dining, a gust of wind
blew a hundred-franc note off his desk into his soup. He placed it on
the window-ledge to dry, and
went on with his meal.
Suddenly he noticed that his
favourite cat had spotted that
note as a tid-bit, and was
munching it with evident en-
joyment. Up sprang the curd,
soup-ladle in hand, intent on
curing Grimalkin of thievish
habits for once and for all.
Manfully the priest made dabs
all round. He broke up a
choice collection of old china,
smashed a huge tank contain-
ing a number of pet gold-fish,
and dashed to pieces a dozen
or so of Ro6derer. But he
missed the cat and the note
also. Grimalkin left suddenly
through a window, disgusted
at the pastor's want of chris-
tian philosophy.

A CHARMING, rosy-faced, fifteen-year-old girl, residing near Stokes-
dale, Penn, U. S. A., who shot her husband lately, was arrested, indicted,
tried by a jury, and acquitted 'midst rounds of applause. All this was
done within four days. The mean despicable husband had refused to
countenance her keeping five guinea-pigs and a small number of white
mice in the bedroom; he had also raised some slight objection to her
spending ten dollars a week on lollipops. Some men are born tyrants,
and when a tyrant of this calibre crowds down on an inoffensive young
wife, the sooner she removes him to a place where tyranny is rampant,
the better.

THE Rev. H. R. Haweis says:-" Music and morals do not always
go hand in hand, neither do painting and morals, nor poetry and morals,
although there is no reason why they should not." Isn't there? Talented
musicians, painters and poets must be highly impressionable, excitable
creatures. Excitability and impressibility run more easily with irre-
pressibility than with morality. _

DR. JOLLY, of Paris, the vendor of a mysterious Harem Powder,"
highly approved of by Tunisian beauties, has been sentenced to fifteen
months' imprisonment for swindling an elderlyspinster out of four hundred
pounds. At the trial it turned out that the merry doctor's real name was
not "Jolly," but a much more appropriate one-viz., "Villain." There
is a something in a name, after all.

"9A young Frenchman, aged 23, murdered his brother in a boat, off
Toulon, recently, and threw the body into the sea. His defence was
that the brother was the family favourite. Both judge and jury con-
sidered that this circumstance extenuated the crime in a very large
measure, so the fratricide escaped with twelve years' penal servitude.
Sympathetic warders will doubtless make quite a pet of him, and his
soup will always contain the most tender morsels of horse-flesh that the
prison affords.

A GERMAN professor has just completed an elaborate work on the
interesting subject of cannibalism. It is a capital corrective to inordinate
appetite, and will doubtless prove a positive boon to the parents
of greedy boys and girls, and to economic guardians of the poor.
We once knew an impecunious artists' model, who always carried a
curdling cannibal story about with him. He said it was the finest agent
for allaying the pangs of hunger he had ever come across.

THE authorities in Beef Gap, Idaho, have passed a trenchant Reform
Bill, to put down cheating at cards, mad carousing, cussin', and whoop-
ing. The circular giving the provisions of the Bill is well posted all
through Beef Gap and its immediate vicinity. The last portion of the
ukase is quaint, and reads as follows:-" All good citizens will array
themselves on the side of the law. All others will be turned over to
the Coroner.-By the Mayor, Bill Birdell." The professional under-
takers in Beef Gap anticipate a rush of business during the next few
months, and have already raised their prices fifty per cent.


_ ___ ~









mFUN.


MARCH 2, I887.


A HEARTRENDING CATALOGUE OF SORROWS.
May.-" Whatever makes you look so triste and distraite to-day, Lil, darling?"
Lil.-" Pray don't wonder at me being sad, May, pet. Listen to my woes. The grumpy
old doctor distinctly refuses to tell Edwin that my life depends on a trip to Italy. I ordered
my milliner to put down thirty dresses in her bill, instead of the twenty I really owe for, and
the foal has forgotten to do so. Edwin has got hold of her precious account; therefore, I'm
done out of some cash I reckoned on. Grandma thought fit to 'peg out' suddenly yester-
day, and you know, May, dear, how hatefully insipid I always look in black. Fido, poor
little angel has taken the distemper, and Edwin lost a 'monkey' at the club last night-
not that I mind that so much, but May, would you believe it? he came home actually
smelling of-smelling of-ONIONS !" [Breaks down and sobs bitterly.
May.-" Oh, Lil, how I pity you! Poor darling, Lil I" [Weeps sympathetically.

A "Screaming" Farce.
EXASPERATED persons are again complaining of the unnecessary nuisance caused by a constant
exercise of the railway-whistle in the parish of Kensington. But what are the poor railway com-
panies to do? For while the exasperated ones complain, they also say, "Blow it l"

MR. CHARLES WYNDHAM, when presiding over the festival in aid of the Dramatic and Musical
Sick Fund (which was lately held at Willis's Rooms), made a capital speech, and some of the com-
pany afterwards admitted that he was just the man to Wynd-'em up to a pitch of generosity.


Wanted, a Poet!
[" One of the People," complaining in an evening
paper, the other day, of the pessimism of modern poets,
asked, Where is the poet who is the one man needful
to rouse the nation to a sense of duty, and inspire the
people with h.pe ]
" Where is the poet ? say you. Where ? Why,
here I
Observe, behold him !
His poetry doth e'er instruct and cheer,
So none can scold him.
He doesn't run the pessimistic "fad,"
All folks to frighten-
His mission is to make the nation glad,
Its lot to brighten-
A very Triton
Among the Muse's minnows is this bard,
And all the wise hold him in high regard.
His verse is vigorous, albeit smooth,
And mark his rhythm !
And as for those who would your worries soothe,
This bard is with 'em !
Like as the sunlight gladdens all the earth,
E'en so this poet
Makes duty pleasing, and provideth mirth,
And all men know it.
And daily show it
By buying up his works as soon as penned-
Because he is the People's earnest friend.
For long this poet hath been known to fame
As Hope-inspiring;
You, readers, know his work, and eke his name,
Though he's "retiring; "
No morbid melancholy doth he ape,
No gloom to bore you;
You may behold him in his proper shape-
He stands before you,
And would implore you,
If mournfulness and morbidness you'd shun,
To study this wise bard. His name is FUN !

THE MARCH HARE.
How do I like the March wind ? How do
I like it? Why, I hate it. Of course I do. I
might go away to Nice. Don't think so. Why,
it's as bad over there as it is here. There's
snow, too, in Algeria. People think when
they go down south that they can always get
out of the way of the winter. Idiots. The
Mediterranean, and the blue sky, and the
orange groves, and the scent of roses. It's all
nonsense; you had much better stop at home.
For myself, I like the March winds. They
make the women's noses red, and that helps to
take down their conceit a little. Then people's
children get the hooping-cough, and it's a com-
fort to know that they can't bring round the
little wretches to visit you. I hate all children.
They get the mumps, too, in March, and the
pain sets them a-howling. It's almost as good
as hearing them well spanked.
Then the March winds make all the railway
porters so hungry. And that makes them extra
civil for a copper or two. And High Church
people take to fasting in March. And that
does them a deal of good. March is one of
the best months in the year; there's no doubt
whatever about that. I wish it would last all
the year round. What more can you want than
a month when all the children are laid up, and
out of the way?-when all your precious old
relatives that you have expectations from have
got the bronchitis ? What can be better fun for
young people than seing their well-to-do
seniors tottering about with respirators over
their mouths? It gives them a real hopeful
feeling that plenty of funerals and good times
will come round. It's positively sinful, Isay,
to hear people perpetually grumbling about the
March wind. Some people never know when
they're well off. I like the March wind.
Bah! EnEA '"c": DIOGENES TUBBS.


s


-- --








MARCH 2, I887.


IFUN. 95


THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
MONDAY, Feb. 21st.-Lords still legislating for lunatics. Lord
Grimthorpe proposes to leave out of Lunacy Acts Amendment Bill sub-
sections empowering magistrates to certify insanity of alleged! unatic.
Perhaps his lordship shares the very prevalent idea that a considerable


MAKING THE PARLIAMENTARY BEAST GO FASTER.

number of magistrates are idiots themselves. Later on he objects to the
words "one clear day" as only expressing the reverse of one obscure
day. More competition. How can FUN expect to sell at a penny when
noble lords wheeze gratis?
Commons.-Slagg, arriving from Burnley, warmly received by Glad-
Parnellites. Lord George Hamilton can't quite explain why the turret-
gun aboard the Ajax took it into its head to go off spontaneously to the
end that the little town of Inelli received a shell, and began to wonder
whether the rest of Great Britain had declared for Home Rule, and
commenced bombardment of all that remained of the mother country.
A First Lord of the Admiralty's lot by no means a happy one. If the
guns won't go off, and shells won't blow up, somebody goes on at him,
and blows him up ; and if by chance gun does go off, and a shell happens
to blow something up, somebody else equally sure to go on' at, and blow
up him, all the same.
Dr. Whackem Harder Smith rises, and, with tears in his voice, in-
forms the boys of St. Stephen's School that the ordinary considerations
influencing young gentlemen having failed to stem the tide of vulgarity,
garrulity, and general bad behaviour, he has been reluctantly compelled
to adopt the aid of a set of substantial rules, which will be plied about
the heads of future offenders. Masters Chaplin, Raikes, and Goschen,
and other big boys on the sixth form, express their concurrence in the
necessity of these stern measures; and even that troublesome Master
Gladstone, who is under suspicion of inciting smaller boys to mutiny,
admits that something must be done, and that lessons are generally in a
bad way; but Master Tay Pay, and a lot of other lower form urchins
whose bad behaviour has brought about the introduction of primitive
measures, led by that sullen boy Parnell, begin to protest and to bluster
about the "dignity" of the School, the lex non scripta, &c. ; and that
fat boy, Billee Harcourt, who a short time ago used to be always cuffing
these same urchins, incites them to further opposition to the innovation,
and calls Master Goschen shocking names.
Tuesday.-The memory of the War Office is apparently as detective
as its stores. Lord Harris explains that his statement that the defective
cutlass-bayonets were of British make was erroneous, same having nearly
all come from Germany. Some day, perhaps, when British workman
has got tired of crotchets he will take up practical injustices, and see
that, where possible, his money shall be spent on his own shores and for
its full value. Some day, too, officials who send contracts out of the
country will be sent after their contracts. Jailbird Jubilation in India
distasteful to Derby, but Lytton upholds Dufferin's exercise of the pre-
rogative of mercy.
Commons.-Playfair thinks fair play secured by New Rules. Har-
tington hails them as safeguards against the ogres "small talk and
"tall talk" who have so long oppressed House and nation That in-
temperate teetotaler Sir Wilfrid desires Speaker to take the Times by
the forelock for daring to speak disrespectfully of Parnellites. If Sir
Wilfrid's jokes are tragic he compensates for them by amusing House
when in the tragic vein.


Wednesday.-Mr. Flynn, "Banker" and Parnellite sets in motion
the stream of talk as to whether House shall in future talk so much.
Thursday.-Henceforth, thanks to Lord Bramwell's Law of Evidence
Bill, the other Bill, nd Sykes, will be competent to be sworn when on
trial. Hitherto the gentleman has been compelled, as he states, to
"swear hisself."
Commons.-Bryce's effort to stay the railway ogre's hand from
blackening the fair landscape of Ambleside pro ten. successful, despite
the haste of Lowther Cavendish Bentinck (a Lowther Trustee), Ainslee
and Labouchere. Encore the row over the Rules. Sexton informs
House that Dublin jury have disagreed. There are some farces as well
as tragedies in Ireland-screamingest farce out, trial by jury.

Not Sunday Behaviour.
AN eccentric lady began to chirp a sweet sentimental ballad of her
own composition in a Free Church a few Sundays ago. The preacher
called her to order, and insinuated that neither the air nor the libretto
could be strictly called original. At this criticism the lady's "dander
riz," and she remarked, Poor nincompoop, it is a wonder any one
comes to hear you." Then the beadle strode up the aisle, and tried to
quell her with his eagle eye; but she showed no signs of withering up
under his glance. No; she merely tapped his lower chest with her
gingham umbrella, and cried calmly, "Keep your hair on, Ebenezer."
This was too much: The beadle bounded from the church, and returned
with a constable. The eccentric lady immediately took a violent fancy
to the officer, and inquired whether he wore a wart behind his left ear.
On the officer answering in the affirmative, she exclaimed, "Then 'tis
he-my long-lost foster-brother. Come along, Robert, let us get out-
side this wretched show !" And they got.

A SINGULARLY case-hardened offender, aged 40, was charged with
theft recently. His previous sentences aggregated some 33 years. He
offered to bet the magistrate a level half-crown that his wortchip "
couldn't pick out a man who had led a more regular life, taking things
all round.


BEAUTIES OF SHAKESPEARE.
BURLESQUED BY OUR BACCHANALIAN ARTIST-VWELL ON THE
BOOM.


THERE'S LANGUAGE IN HER EYE, HER CHEEK, HER LIPS-
NAY, HER FOOT SPEAKS."-Troilus and Cressida, Act IV. Scene 5.


fW To COmsMOND4Ts..-The Edito dm wxo bhind himvd' so acknow/edge, retur, or pay/or Contribstiiu. IX, No ca4$ #ill thsy be rauoud wIkrn
acroustauxied by a siamjed axd directed wr'e/






96 FUN. MARCH 2, 1887,


A FEW BUSINESS MEMS.
DEAR SIR,-After giving your Artist the opportunity of inspecting my large Business Premises and Staff, I find that the only use he has
made of this privilege has been to perpetrate the trivialities above. Comment, I am assured, is unnecessary, from yours, &c., CIVRS.
That Wretched Child. Misfortune, pouncing him upon, You'd think that in his early youth
(SEE CARTOON.) Won't draw it mild; He had been "spiled ;"
Woe follows woe, like Pelion Well-well-however that may be,
GLUM with the sulks, with temper hot, And Ossa piled; It must be plain to you and me
Cross-grained or wild, No sooner is one trouble set That now, at any rate, we see
He scarcely ever to his lot At rest, another one he'll get; A wretched child.
Seems reconciled; Thus something's always there to fret .... .
Some hurt or other day by day The wretched child. Ready Slhortly. Price One Silling.
Upsets his work or spoils his play, P W O H W R M SU
Which drives Britannia to say- So easily, to tell the truth, T C 1
"That wretched child !" He can be riled, BY ARTHUR T. PASK.



Cadbury's
oUARANTEoD
SOLUBLE. GJOw
BEWARE OF IMITATION.
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, March and, 1887.




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