Front Cover
 Title Page
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00048
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00048
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page 1
        Title Page 2
        Page 1
        January 6, 1886
            Page 2
            Page 3
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        January 13, 1886
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            Page 15
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        January 20, 1886
            Page 23
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            Page 30
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            Page 32
        January 27, 1886
            Page 33
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        February 3, 1886
            Page 45
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            Page 48
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            Page 50
            Page 51
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            Page 53
            Page 54
        February 10, 1886
            Page 55
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            Page 60, 61
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        February 17, 1886
            Page 67
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        February 24, 1886
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        March 3, 1886
            Page 89
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        March 10, 1886
            Page 101
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        March 17, 1886
            Page 113
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        March 24, 1886
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        March 31, 1886
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            Page 142, 143
            Page 144
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            Page 148
        April 7, 1886
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        April 14, 1886
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        April 21, 1886
            Page 173
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            Page 177
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            Page 184
        April 28, 1886
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        May 5, 1886
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        May 12, 1886
            Page 209
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            Page 213
            Page 214
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            Page 219
            Page 220
        May 19, 1886
            Page 221
            Page 222
            Page 223
            Page 224
            Page 225
            Page 226
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            Page 229
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            Page 231
            Page 232
        May 26, 1886
            Page 233
            Page 234
            Page 235
            Page 236
            Page 237
            Page 238, 239
            Page 240
            Page 241
            Page 242
            Page 243
            Page 244
        June 2, 1886
            Page 245
            Page 246
            Page 247
            Page 248
            Page 249
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            Page 251
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            Page 253
            Page 254
        June 9, 1886
            Page 255
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            Page 257
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            Page 264
        June 16, 1886
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            Page 274
        June 23, 1886
            Page 275
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        June 30, 1886
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            Page 294
    Back Cover
Full Text



a 'v


. . . . .

7,7 ~ // /
7/" //
7* A~$~'









UPWARD toward the sky from the yawning crater arose still one more great
Red Volume. Adown the mountain's rugged side rolled the stream of liquid \
laughter, creeping onward inch by inch as if to overwhelm the abodes of care l.6
and dulness, and cover them from the world for ever. The wanderer gazed i /
awe-stricken at the impressive sight, and raised his eyes deprecatingly to the
great, moving Red Volume that hovered in mid air, swaying to and fro as if with ,
suppressed laughter, and yet with a something reassuring and beneficent in its i o.

Be not alarmed," said a majestic figure that reared itself high above the i '"
Wanderer. The unfathomable depths from which this great Volume has just
issued harbour no power destructive to the welfare of humanity-they are the
Depths of Humour. This apparently threatening fire is but the Fire of Wit. This Volume above you is none other than the
Then the Wanderer's heart was comforted, and he flew to envelop himself in the beneficent cloud.
Then the Wanderer's heart was comforted, and he flew to envelop himself in the beneficent cloud.

AGITATION and Starvation, 43
Another Fad, 219
Another of the Family, 127
Arline and the Earl, 42
"At Home," 1i6
BANKS and Braes, 047
" Bound" to Pay, 30
British Tar (The), 105.
Butt (The), 37
CAN it be? 120
Change for the Better (A), 153
Change in the Cast (A), 65
Clang'of the Clock Tower (The), 30, 41,
52, 64, 69, 85, 98, 105, 123, 134, 146, o56,
171, 176, 189, 212, 225, 241, 252, 257, 270,
279, 289
Conversations for the Times, 9, 25, 87, 18
Correspondence, 1o
Customer's Crime (The), 192
DAMP Clerk's Vengeance (The), 147
Dispensing! 135
"Dog Regulations (The)," 26o
Down on the Democrats, 85
EASTER, Joyful 1 177
Election Ecstasy (An), 273
Enthusiastic Banjoist (The), 144
Epsonm Ups and Downs, 237
Exhibitioning, 223
Free-Trade Fancy (A), 263
GALLIC Grief, 85
Good King Moonlight, 20
Great Advantage (A), 168
Great Devourer! (The), 194
HARD row (A) 1I o8
Henderson, Awa' I 9g
Her Valentines 1 62
High-class Novelist, 201o
His own Way of doing it, 129
Hotch Potch, 92, 122, 135, 068, 175, 192
Innocence I Irresponsibility! and vast
Resource I 206
Intelligent Foreigner (The), 58, 225
In the Gale 104
KNICKNACKS, 9, 20, 28, 41. 50, 64, 72, 84,
98,) 1o, 121, 134, 140, 152, 169i, 76, 188,
206, 212, 230, 236, 250, 270, 284, 289
LATEST Fad (The) 2o08
Latest Language (The), 295
Life's Poetry and Prose, 240
Little Firmness Does it (A), 228
MEM. for the Men (A), 21
More Universal Language,, 51
Mrs. Gladstone's Easter Song, 193
Music-Mad, 37
Musings, 18
"NAME, Name!" so
New Departure (A), In
New Frank-en-stein (The), 42
New Inquisition (The), 141
New Use for Churches (A), 204
Noblesse Obli e, 158
Novel Operatic Chorus (A), 121
Onvious Remedy (The), 72
Octavius Ebenezer Potts, 8i, 124, 156, 165,
184, 189, 218, 232
Our Extra Special, 19, 79, 278
Our Infant Defenders, x18
Over the Snow, 15
PEST (The), 74
Poltwattle at the Boat Race, 139
Poltwattle Drives to the Derby, 247
Poltwattle's Easter Monday, 182
Poor Blodder, 25,3
Pork and Patriotism, 96
Post-Office Clerkesses, 231

QUISBY and Barkins, 200, 224
RATHER an Improvement, 216
Re A Renegade, 262
Resigned, 51
Rough with the Home Rulers, 47
Royal Academy (The), 207, 2i9, 229, 251
SEASON Sermon (A), 170
Sermons in (Precious) Stones, 47, 103, 153
Shows, 36
Slashes and Puffs, 2, 14, 24, 34 46, 56, 68,
78, 90, 102, 114, 126, 138, 150, 162, 174,
x86, 198, 210, 222, 234, 246, 256, 266, 276,
Snowed Up, 117
Songs of the Watering-Places, 277
Spring in the Squares, 205
Spring's First Shoots, 159
Such Fun I 28
TERRIBLE Till (A), 132
Too Presumptuous, 292
To Pessimistic Poets, 217
Tottie's Lament over her New-Year's
Gift, 5
Traveller that Tried it (The), 240
Turf Cuttings, 14, 40, 5o, 63, 74, 81, 97,
o09, 215, 128, 140, 164, 183, 188, 204, 218,
231, 242, 250, 261
'Twixt the Stools, 8
UNEASINESS Allayed, 81
Unemployed (The), 86
VERY Bad Times, 73
Very Responsible Policeman (The), 93.
Very Wicked Vicar (A), 22
Voudou, 53
WHY Volunteers? 187
Winter, 5
Woful Collapse (A), 260
Woful Weapons, 31
ABOUT Cleaning-off, 223
After the Honeymcon, 151
All the Fault of the Victims! 82
Ambassadors' Proxies, 6
"And He the Picture of Health !" 21
And She Couldn't Account for Their Sub-
sequent Coolness, 264
Another Fallacy, 229
Another of Those Objectionable Men, 3
Apple-y Counted, 86
April Shower (An), 152
Artists and their Vocabulary, 164
At the Grosvenor, 22
BEARDING the Gaul, 148
Bill Bludgeon profits by the Dog Regu-
lations, 52
Bitter Vengeance (A), 125
British Official (The), 94
British Working Man (The), io6, 145
Bubbles, 218
CABBY Equal to the Occasion, 139
Chemist (I'he), 130, 154
Colindian Derby (A), 235
Combination Garment (The), 285
Comforter (A), 283
Coming, Sir, Coming I" 5
Concealment in the matter of Valentines, 55
Corpus Delecti, 51
Cricket Season has Commenced (The), 20
Cut off with a Shilling, 219
Cutting Reply (A), 247
*DECET Laud-'arry at the Princess's, 89
Definite, 286
Demon Dorg (The), 158, 159, 170, 171
Derby Favourites, 244
Derby Hits and Derby Misses, 233
Distinguished Playgoers, 35
EASTER Manoeuvres (The), 196
East .Wind from the Mansion House
(AN), 112

Effort for the Highest Intelligence (An), Some Botanical Notes, 184
280 Some further Inquiries Needed, 40
Electioneering Items, 287 Some more May Meetings," 232
End on," 4 Some more Patients for M. Pasteur, 128
FATAL Objection (A), Some Suggestions for the Ladies, 65
FATAL Objection (A), 103 Some Things to LookOut forat the Indian
Foolish Fellow, 135 and Colonial Show, 217
Force of Example (The), 85 Sophia so Good at the Vaudeville, 173
Forming an Estimate, 10o Sort of Inquiry we shall get (The), 38
GAUGING it Nicely, 258 Spring Blossoms, 185
Gratitude 30 St Patrick's Day, 124
"HAT TRICK (The)," 169 Strangers" Yet, 133
Having a Grand Old Time, 99 TENANT-RIGHT," 48, 70
Heard on the Turf, 274 Terrible Tragedy on the Dribble (A), 193
His Miss-is, 19 "That is the Question !" 63
Home-made Dress Ball (The), 67 That Outraged Briton 1 45
Hookwinch Again, 15 That She should ever Cease to be so Inno-
Hookwioch at the Derby, 24r cent 1 251
Hortifelis Eradicator (The), 290 Those Unreasonable Parents, 32
How's that, Empire? 275 "Though Lost to Sight, to Memory
IsPORiTANT Qualification (An), I7 dear 1" 54
"It's only Dear Fido," 6 T wn the Whitsun-tide 2
TESTER on Nadjezda (A), 13 Too Fetching, 36
LATEST Fashionable Amusement (The),99 Tragical-Comical- Historical-Pas'oral,
Letter to The Editor, 254 inechuanaland, o4
Lodging-Letter (The), 243, 248 ULSTER in Arms, 245
MADENERE (The), xg9 Under the Clock in March, ior
Major Wrecks His Chance (The), 230 Unemployed (The), 69
Mal-a-propos, 47 VALENTINE Vagaries, 66
Mal-a-propos Muddlers 257 Vestryman (The), x66, 278, 190
Mems. of the Boat-Race, 141 Victim of Sister'm (A), 137
Mild Egotism, i95. WA3TEES at the Colonial and Indian Ex-
Misadventures of a First Night (The), 123 WAI at the Colonial and Indian Ex
Misunderstood, x8 bting
More-Faust-opheles at Toole's, 77 Wanting itharm (The), 220
"More Honoured in the Breach than in Weak C) Lit o' Love at the Princess's
the Observance," 195 .22
More Honours! 92eat Grandmotherly Government may
Mr. Spyffyns' Eye-Glass, 25 Effect, i83
-5What She will be when Grown Up? 58
" NATION of Shopkeepers (A)," 75 White Wednesday, 21_
Naughty Girl! 73 Whitsun Folk (The), 262
Nice "Dance" i (A), 149 Wretch (The) 1 76
Not a Good Likeness, 207
ONE Effect of the Recent Snow Storm, 227 CARTOONS.
One for the Squire, 53 AGAINST the Wind, 107
Only Important Thing (The), 26 Asking his Intentions, 83
On the Hunt, 80 Awkward Crew (An), 142
Opening Notes at the Co'onial, 209 B
Opening of the Royal Academy (The), 208 BEATEN, 269
Original Art (An), 268 CHEAP William, 191
Our Foreign British Seamen, 118 DEFEAT The), 49
Our Unofficial Illustrated Catalogue of the DEFAT (of the Irish Question (The),,
Royal Academy, 202, 214, 226 Doeps ful Egg I Question (The),The) 2579
PAGE of Lindley Murray (A), 229 Dr. Gladstone and his Patient, 259
Pampered Patron (A), 182 "FLOWERS that Bloom in the Spring, Tra
Parcel of Nonsense (A), 31 La (The)," 267
Perjured by Fraud, 33
Plain English, 213 GREAT Irish Melodrama (The), 39
Political Tug of War (he), 169 HOMEi-RULE Minstrel and the Blighted
Poor Passengers! 57 Ban-jo (The), 249
Preparing for the Easter Holidays, 175 INFANT Prodigy (The), 95
Puddler enjoys a "Spring Cleaning,' 6, "KISSING and Hissing Game," as played
QUITE a Puzzle 211 at St. Stephen's (The), 131
RANDOM Notes of the Easter Review, 187 MODERN Dogberry (The), 71
Really, most Inconsiderate 43 Momentous Question (The), 227
Red Tape Condescension- Extraordinary, Mr: Gladstone's Bad Cold, 119
277 Mr. Gladstone's Personally- conducted
Reg'lar 'Appy Family (A), 136 Tour, 291
Rival Apolutions for the New Year, 8 OPENING of St. Stephen's School (The), 17
Round the World and Down to Brighton, Opening Scene (The), 203
113 RETURNING from the Derby, 238
SEASONABLE Diversions for Juveniles and STRIKE on the Irish Job (The), 155
Grown-ups, 12 T
"Separation" Dance (The), 261 TREASURY Twelfth Cake (The), 7
Sheppard's Play'd, 61 UNEXPECTED, 27
Skater Samples, 88
Sketches in June, 293 VALENTINE'S Day, 60
Snowflakes and Icicles, 23 WOOING o't (The), 281

JANUARY 6, 1886. FU N .

Mr. FuN's affection for Dame Britannia is
no ephemeral fancy, and he worked himself up
into quite a fever of joyous anticipation when
the lady sent him word the other day that she
intemied honourig him with a visit.
Carefully the jester waxed the ends of his
reslendent coal-black moustache-that lady-
killing moustache dark as the raven's wing.
Vigorously he pulled the Office Boy's ears to
encourage him to dust out the sanctum pro-
perly. With sprays of Rimmel's perfumes he
modified the aroma of cigars, rum-punch, and
Limburger cheese which hung around the
Just as the Office Boy had jammed his fingers
severely in the editorial desk, and was giving
vent to his feelings by unearthly yells, a loud
double knock at the door announced the arrival
of Dame Britannia. Expeditiously ramming a
soapy sponge into the boy s month, and dropping
him out of window into the backyard, Mr. FuN
hastened to receive his fair visitor.
Dame Britannia entered, and the Jester em.
braced her with an air of easy familiarity.
"Come, this is like your impudence," cried
the lady, gently disengaging herself. Then,
regarding Mr. FuN with a glance of artless
wonder, she burst into a merry peal of laughter
which rang for a long time through the apart-
Seating herself, Dame Britannia placed her
little rosy chin in the palm of her delicate hand,
and with a gesture of charming confidence,
saidI "Mr. Fux, you are the most sensible
fool I know.
je"You do me proud, marm," replied the
Jester, setting alight a penn'orth of red fire, which shed a glorious glow over Dame Britannia's lovely features. "After the smoke of that nasty-smelling stuff has ceased
choking me, I will ask you a few questions," coughed Dame Britannia.
"Say on, beautiful, good, noble, and magnificent lady," returned the Jester, offering her a sparkling glass of foaming Mumm.
"Do you believe Home Rule would be any advantage to Ireland? How can we get out of the Egyptian muddle most easily? Tell me all you know about the Balkan
question; and let me into some of Russia's and Austria's little secrets. And what do you think about the 'cruelty' of muzzling the bow-wows ?" said Dame Britannia;
"Dearest lady," said Mr. FuN, flashing a comic picture on the wall with his magic lantern, "you will learn my views in the


VOL. XLIII.-NO. 1078,


JANUARY 6, 1886,

THE noticer has had a time of it lately I He has been at the theatre
almost always, and now he is exhausted. Thank goodness, though,

the theatres are exhausted, too, so the noticer has nothing to do but tell
you all about them-or as much of all about them as he remembers&
rrue, everything seems to be spangles, big heads, shapely legs, "Oh,
you girls I" "We'll meet in the sweet by-and-bye," "Where's his
muzzle?" "It's all over now with the ladies," "What cher, 'Ria,"
"Three acres and a cow," "Rum-tiddy, um-tiddy, iddy-iddy-iddy,"
" I saw you that time 1" Here's a policeman coming I and all that
sort of thing, but he'll harden his heart and sit down, and there you
are, don't you know.
THE CRYSTAL PALACE.-The peculiarities of the stage and auditorium
here necessitate a pantomime something like a cheap masher-all show.
Everything goes for nothing (which is cheap) unless there is a big
spectacle on the stage; and even then, in most parts of the "house
you require a pair of spectacles of your own to see it, so that produc-
tions have here an A I chance of being three times as spectacular as
anywhere else. Given these conditions, where is the man better able
than Mr. Augustus Harris to meet them? One may safely credit him
with marked success without seeing or hearing what he has done for us;
and this, unfortunately, is just the position I am compelled to occupy on
the present occasion, the astuteness of some underling having inter-
preted the Directors' invitation (presumably to hear and see the show) as
giving access only to a seat somewhere about the twefth row, where my
senses of sight and hearing were dormant perforce. I am a busy man,
especially at Christmas time, and I would have hied me back to town at
once and spent the hours usefully, but that I had a young friend with me
whose pleasure (though I'm sure it wasn't much) I grudged to curtail,
and so I had to grin and'bear it-only I didn't grin.
Mem.-They can't graduate the floor, I suppose, at the Palace, but

they might at least place the seats in an alternating arrangement of rows,
so that the occupant of a seat in one row looks between the shoulders of

the two persons in front of him, instead of in the middle of someone's
back, or hat, as the case may be.,
FROM the little I could see, by occasionally standing up, I should say
the pantomime fulfils, and more than fulfils, all spectacular requirements,
that the D'Aubans are capital in their dances, Miss Lilian Francis a
lively page, Miss Minnie Mario a captivating prince, and Miss Dot
Mario as dainty and ideal a little Cinderella-humorous withal-as may
be met with in a good many days' marches.
DRURY LANE.-Mr. Harris doesn't mean to be beaten, even by Gus
Harris, if he can help it; better than the last" is his motto, and
though the day must inevitably come for "as good as the last" only, he
looks like staving it off to the latest possible moment. Aladdin, Mr.
E. L. Blanchard's latest, is at once gorgeous, comical, and coherent.
From the moment Mr. Barrett strikes the first chord of his capital
overture till Harry Payne has cracked his final joke there is abundant
exercise for eye, ear, and risible muscle. You may think the "Fair
Women" a trifle off colour and not quite so effective as previous "proces-
sions," but you cannot fail to be delighted with the ballet which follows,
and you will think variety of design and splendour can no further go
until you see the gathering of Aladdin's attendants and retainers in the
thirteenth scene, which you will find yourself without words to describe.
The very comical and complete working-men scene of the building
of Aladdin's palace, too, shows an amount of care, thought, invention,
and go sufficient to float half a dozen ordinary spectacles. And with
all this (which isn't a quarter of what there is) it is a regular children's
APTLY christened Miss Grace Huntley is a dapper and sprightly

COVENT GARDEN.-ENTHUSIASTIC ONE.-" Toutes mes felicitations, mad'moi-
selle I Que vous etes magnifique !Que vous etes-"
THB LADY.-"All right, old chappie I I'm only ma'm'zelle in the bills. I was
born at Old Ford."

Aladdin; Mr. Harry Nicholls practically proves the possibility of be-
ing intensely comical, as an old woman, without once lapsing into vul-
garity; there is a sort of determined humour about Mr. Herbert
Campbell which makes his Abanazar very amusing; the Sisters Leamar,
with the able assistance of Miss Clara Grahame, supply the "feminine
interest ;" Mr. Charles Lauri, jun., shows an awe-inspiring suppleness
as the slave of the ring; and the contingent from the Surrey, Mr. Victor
Stevens and the Albert and Edmunds troupe give some excellent
dancing and smart pantomimicry. Mlle. F. Zampetta is the principal
dancer-pver3. sat. Altogether, I don't think Human Nature need re-
appear a moment sooner than Mr. Harris chooses.

COVENT GARDEN.-" The Great International Cirque" proved so
far satisfactory last year that once again this large theatre, packed from
floor to ceiling with applauding humanity on the occasion of my visit,
has been secured for the same purpose. It seems to be about the finest
thing of its kind we have had, if I may trust experts and knowing ones.
I'm a bit out of it myself. Certainly the animals appear to be of a
higher class than ordinary, and look altogether in good case, and the
performers have all the appearance of being the pick of their class. The
clowns are a trifle trying, with the exception of George Footitt, who is
really funny, though he spoils an otherwise well-conceived and comic
act (in which he shows capital horsemanship, too) by some touches of
coarseness. There is something of a sameness in all circus acts, but Miss
Emma's clever jockey act gained a touch of originality from the presence
of Miss Rose (what has become of their surnames, I wonder ?) as ring

JANUARY 6, i886. TJN 3

master. Misses Ella Guillaume, Jennie O'Brien (with a flight of pigeons),
and F. Godfrey all show expertness and daring in no little degree ;
but Mlle. Diomir Magni's "Pirouette and Somersault Act" is a startler,
I can tell you. Mr. George Batty's jockey act is well known, and Mr.
W. Oxford's bare-backed bar act is good.
THE acrobatic work is good, too; two Arabs, Abachi and Mazus,
showing a command of equilibrium suggestive of an ability to take an
afternoon nap balanced wrong way up on an eyebrow on the cross of St.

Paul's I A stalwart young lady, graceful of limb and luxuriant of tresses,
and with an evident sense of the precariousness of her position, per-
formed some cleverly daring feats on the slack wire, to the accompani-
ment of a sister artiste on the tight article. One of these ladies is
Mlle. Elivira, and the other Mile. Gisella, but which is w which is mol e
than I can say. Lauk and Livingston did some good things on their
"silver" bars, but Signor Paul Cinquevalli astonished and delighted
everybody with his wonderful and amusing conjuring. Mile. Diana
Dupont gave us a touch of the Haut Ecole," and caused her horse (a
beauty, by the way) to go through a number of the usual rather undig-
nified antics. From the announcements in the programme one might
imagine that all the clowns emanated from La Belle France-but they
don't. More about this show next week.

THE GRAND.-This is the only outlying pantomime I shall touch
upon this week, for reasons not unconnected with space, but it is "extra
good," and deserves seeing. The.lines show a noble disregard of the
laws of rhythm, but otherwise are above the ordinary run for point.
Mr. Henri Clark was unaccountably dull as Bluebeard (whose legend is
chosen on this occasion), but the cast is otherwise strong. Tennyson
and O'Gorman are a really funny couple from the music halls, and by
no means obtrusive. Miss Marie Williams is a particularly handsome
and dashing Selim, singing and dancing with untiring spirit, and smiling
withal so captivatingly and continuously that we quite miss her beautiful
teeth when we get out into the fog; her companion, Hottan Ali, in the
person of Miss Rose Dearing, is even more captivating. At least, so
thought a smart young gentleman sitting next to me, who was quite
" gone," until, hurriedly returning me the opera-glasses he had borrowed,
he muttered distractedly, "Married; she's got a. wedding ring on I"
and fled disconsolate to the refreshment bar for the rest of the evening,
in spite of my suggesting the possibility of widowhood.

Miss ELLA CHAPMAN is the Fatima, and incidentally gives one of
her clever banjo solos, while Miss Alice Leamar, "a younger sister of
others known to fame, is pretty and pleasant to look upon as Sister
Ann," and will be a clever dancer when she learns how to put a little
more spring into it; and Mr. Tom Bass, an unobtrusive Mrs. Mus-
tapha, makes up the tale. It is all well put on; the children's scene on
board the Victory will be better with a little more rehearsal and a little
less variety in boots, but the transformation scene is pretty. Mdlle.
Patti is a nice-looking as well as graceful premier dtnseuse, and a
juggling act of uncommon cleverness, by Professor Winn, will fill
you with surprise and wonder. The Camel Corps is a study I
THE STRAND.-" Little Minnie Palmer" is back here. She appears
in the same piece in precisely the same way (except for a few unim-
portant tonings down) as she did originally, so, as I expressed my
opinions upon her first appearance and see no reason to alter them,
there is no need to dwell upon the subject this time. Miss Palmer

pleases the public, that pleases her, and if she and the public are pleased
that pleases me, so, in spite of what I consider bad art or no art at all,
we can all be happy together. There is only one thing I want, and that
is the value of that amateur Golconda and real lace Tina wears in the
second act-diamonds may be vulgarism in such crowds, but that's a
kind of vulgarity I can stand a lot of-in myself.
SOME alterations have been made in the piece-not all judicious
Tina participates in the fortune now (probably as an excuse for diamonds I)
the doctor has become young and more interesting, the scheming
brother has disappeared, an unnecessary nigger has turned up, and Joe
Shotwell has been manipulated into a minimum of effect. Mr. Arnold
has ten babies on a see-saw to sing to in the first act, and an extremely,
because unconsciously, comical dot (who gravely smokes a sugar pipe
and listens for the tick of a sugar watch) for the same purpose in the'
last act, thereby making a probable encore a certainty-not but what
Mr. Arnold is genuine artist enough to get it in any case. Some variety
was added to the evening's amusement by Mr. Rogers reciting to me
how a carpenter had, led by curiosity, incautiously ventured on the
bridge meant for Tina, some few minutes before the curtain rose, and
paid for his temerity by crushing through it a goodly fall, thereby:
saving Minnie's precious life and hurting himself; but I don't care for
anecdotic ads. myself. NESTOR.

New Leaves.
THE Next 93," by W. A. Matlock (Field and Tuer). Admitting the
value of forethought, it is a question whether this sort of forecasting the,
effects of improbable legislation is not sowing the seeds of doubt, distrust,
and dissension; although the intention may be only to utter words of
warning (which mightbe echoed) that if we sow, so we must reap.-"Why
I am a Liberal;" by Andrew Reid (Cassell and Company, Limited)-the
reasons why find expressions from many prominent politicians, and are
ably argued by Mr. Reid, but they have probably not exercised so great
an influence on the recent general election as they will upon the next.-
"The Shorthand Bible," by J. Herbert Ford (F. Pitman), is an ad-
mirably clear, and doubtless correct version of the Bible; by one so!
capable as the editor of The Reforters'Journa', should be acceptable to
all shorthanders.-" Anderson's systematic abbreviations, English and
French," is a system admirably adapted to the purposes and require-
ments intended to be met by it.
,f .



Stout Policeman (to Practical 2okist Demoiselles, who have tied their dog's muzzle to his tail instead of his head).-" PLEASE, MUM, YOUR
[Policeman grins, and finds he is wanted round the corner.

Going to the Dogs.
(PERIOD-The Good Old Days.)
GALLANT OFFICER. Tankards and scabbards I Gore and cannikins I
By my halidome I What ado is this? I'll dare swear 'tis one of our
bloods flaying the hide of some scurvy, mealy-mouthed civilian. Spurs
and spigots I but I spoke too soon. I'll to the hangman if't be not yon
same scurvy civilian-some lily-handed burgher-making bold to insult
the king's uniform and fling gibes at one of our merry troopers I Gal-
lons and gorgets I Do mine eyes play me false ? Why, the trooper-
a craven hound, my masters, and a white-livered scullion cur to boot !-
keepeth his temper-a thing unknown i' the Low Countries, and a
shameful I-and letteth the layman go with whole bones. Now a mur-
rain on me, and what may have come to the service ? A king's soldier
wink at an insult Blood and bumpers 1 He shall be drummed out I
GHOST OF G. 0. (looking over recent newspaper). Hilts and 1
What's this? "After an inquiry the jury returned a
verdict of, &c., &c., and commended Privates Denton and Lockwood
of the Guards for the forbearance they displayed under the provocation
they received from the accused. The coroner hoped their conduct
would come under the notice of their commanding officer." Gashes
and goblets I I
(Turns to a blue mist with disgust, and never walks" again.)

Short Commons.
LORD BRAMWELL professes to have discovered that the People have
really no legal rights to common lands. It is all very well for the
Liberty and Property Defence Leaguers to prate thus about the People's
commons, but surely they do not expect to be believed by anyone of
common(s) sense.

The Poet's Notice.
LORD TENNYSON has informed his correspondents, through the daily
papers, that he is wholly unable to answer the innumerable letters which
he daily receives, nor can he undertake to return or criticise the MSS.
sent to him. But surely the noble poet might have parodied himself as
TASK me no more I Send no MS. to me;
I cannot stoop to read each verse and jape,
Which budding bards continue still to shape;-
Ye are too fond of sending-therefore, ye,
Task me no more I
Task me no more! That answer do I give;
I love not this strange cheek "-and so reply-
For though the world will not let my verse die,
Ask me no more to bid thy verse to live :
Wherefore thus bore ?
Task me no more Henceforth my mouth is sealed-
For againstt the postal stream I strive in vain,
I'll not return your manuscripts again I
This poet-peer neathh MS. bales hath reeled.
Post me no more I

-P5 : 5 : 0
Every Copy Numbered in Red on Front Page.
See "JACK AND JILL," Price id,

JANUARY 6, 1886, N 5

The Treasury Twelfth Cake.
WHEN on the pleasures you reflect
Which follow Christmas-time,
You reasonably may expect .
To see a Pantomime.
And when a Pantomime you see,
Then you may set it down
As pretty nigh a certainty
That you will see a Clown.
And when a Clown you're gazing at,
Most probably you'll soon
Be also looking upon that
Old joker, Pantaloon. .
And when the Pantaloon you twig
Mixed with the Clown's affairs,
You're safe to spot them go and prig
Something that isn't theirs.
And when they've got the swag, of course
They keep it, naughty men I-
Unless they are obliged perforce
To give it back again.
And when you spy how either plays,
You smile at all that's done,
And inly say "What wicked ways-
3,If it were not their fun!"

FIRST came soft Spring, with form of
angel grace,
Then Summer, bright with roses all
Followed by ruddy Autumn's glorious
But now, alas I no longer may we trace
Such fairy transformations yielding
Winter's dark curtain hath descended
And wraps us round in gloom with
ice and snow.
Invader stern, if thou must for a space
Hide Nature's charms, be pitiful, be
And oh I delay not long to feast our
With the fair panorama, thatibehind
Thy sombre veil in placid beauty lies.
Briefly obscured,we shall with joy behold
The lovely pictured scroll again unfold. "COMING, SIR, COMING!"

Tottie's Lament over her New Year's Gift.
I CANDIDLY own that I sometimes am naughty,
But, still, my dear hubby's a little bit gay;
And so on the first of the New Year I thought he
Would bring me some gift in his usual way.
He did. And now guess what you fancy he bought me.
A bit of old china ? No; try once again;
Some trinket, such as he would give when he sought me
In marriage-and sought, as you know, long in vain.
A dress or a bonnet ? You're wide of the mark still.
From Kesterton's mart a nice brougham and pair,
That during the season look well in the Park will,
And make all the "loungers admiringly stare?
Still wrong. But 'tis useless your trying to guess it,
'Twas nothing from Long Acre, Bond Street, Mayfair;
Not even a cape for my dear baby-bless it-
It was but a penny newspaper, I swear I
And sternly he pointed to this printed statement:
"Ill not be responsible" (Yes, it's a fact;
My rage since I read it has known no abatement)
"For debts which in future my wife may contract.

"bye-alley !"

Men and Things.
IT is not safe for a woman to be in a rowing boat alone, as she has at
best only got one skull.
A servant may not have been drinking when she lays the breakfast
table, although she has got the egg-cups.
It is not generally known that the state of celibacy leads to no-heir.
Four legs is enough for a kitten-more is her feet (surfeit).
Upon an Englishman's breakfast table bacon and eggs are usually
Carrotty locks should not be treated as objects of scorn and mirth.
Carrotty locks are hair-red-itary acquirements.

Floral Fictions.
"CORN stands for Riches," the flower-books say,
And I see no good reason to doubt them;
But though corn stands for riches, 'tis clear as the day
That you're frequently corn "-ered without them I

Who is Proof Against Flattery I
BANTAM is five-feet-three-when and so long as his boot-heels are
unworn; but he is at no time above the reach of flattery's sweet in-
toxication. Hence this justly-directed remark of his pedicure:-
I assure you, my dear:sir, you have the'corns of a man six-feet-four
in his slippers."


[SENHOR BASTo, Attachd of the Portuguese Embassy, claimed exemption from rates on the ground of his being in the service of.a foreign ambassador. Justices
Mathew and Wills decided that he was legally exempt, and that the lessor of the trenmses vwas liable! II ]

^- ^1-_

/ r I

INFERENcE.-When a foreign ambassador is not liable for anything, the next English subject the Law happens to catch sight of is.. MORAL.-Never go near a
foreign ambassador. Oar poor friend Smith happened to live next door to one. It chanced that the ambassador contracted large debts, and refused to pay; so, of
course, Smith had to pay them And one day after this, as he was trudging to the workhouse, he happened to pass two persons engaged in a dispute.

"Hullo I" said the police. Bin and knocked off a feller's head, have you? Then you must come along o' me and be hanged." Pooh i" exclaimed the
perpetrator, disclosing himself, I am a foreign ambassador, and not responsible 1"

I'm very sorry," said the police to poor Smith; "but you happen to be the next party my eye falls on; and so the Law says you've got to come along and be

F TJN .-JANUARY 6, 1886.

m "_







1 8 TIF iNJ. JANUARY 6, x886.

I. Master Parnell to turn up Miss Salisbury, and make it up with Miss Gladptone.- 2. The Dogs to take it out of the Police when they get their muzzles oti.-
3. Lord Randolph to turn Radical; Sir Charles Dilke to become a Tory Democrat; Personal Appearances to be altered to suit political convictions.-- 4. Mr. Stead
to give up Literature and join the Salvation Army.- 5. Sir Grumbleton Dashaway not to go out so much; Lady Dashaway to go out a little more.- 6. Tom
Racket to see if he cannot get a bigger allowance out of the Governor; the Governor not to allow Tom so much money to fool away this year.

How do you know I don't, sir? No interest in the government of
the country I I have a lot of interest in the government of the country.
Shall I get a place in the Household if the Tories get in-shall I be a
deputy Chamberlain ? I tell you what, sir, confound you I I can be
just as polite as you, or anybody else. I should be a nice man to marshal
the ladies at a Drawing-room? How do you know I couldn't do it as
well as you, sir ? I've known doocid good-looking women like me in
my time. That was a long time ago? I tell you what, I'm quite as
young as I ought to be. Do I know many members of the aristocracy ?
Yes, I do, sir. Do I know the Duke of St. Albans ? The Duke of St.
Albans is a public at the foot of Highgate Cemetery. I suppose you
think that a joke-I most certainly do not. If the Tories get in we
shan't have such a French alliance ? Do I like a nice little romp in
Paris ? I don't know what you mean, sir-what do you mean by romps ?
Did I ever go the Mabille ? That is my business, sir. I am perhaps
too stout for that style of dancing. Do I think French people are nice,
sir ? Yes, sir; I do, sir. Do I like a French dinner, a vin champagne,
and an opera-bouffe at the Varieties afterwards ?-do I know my way
about Paris ? I tell you what, sir, I don't care about this sort of chaff,
and what's more, I'm hanged if I'll have it I
Would I like a German alliance ?-my heart's on the Rhine? How
do you know my heart's on the Rhine? I hate the Rhine. German
cutlets are always fat, and I hate tinned peas and cherry puddings. If
I never saw the Rhine again I shouldn't care in the least. Some of the
South German girls are pretty, are they ? Well, I don't care a rap if
they are. Did I ever write a poem beginning with "Mild Fraiilein with
the sweet blue eyes ?" No, sir, I never did make such an ass of myself.
German women in my time always plastered their hair up in plaits, and
never undid it until they died. Dyed, you say? Oh, you mean that
for a pun, do you ? I tell you what, sir, these unsound puns are so con-
foundedly old that I believe they were invented in the ark, when Noah
and the rest had nothing to do.

Do I think we shall go in for Home Rule ? I don't care, sir, one
solitary rap. I never drink Irish whisky. I don't care whether my
bacon comes from Cork. or whether it doesn't. On the banks of
Killarney dwells Kate Kearney. Oh I that's a bit of song, is it ? Well,
she can live on the banks of Killarney as long as she likes, and she can
marry Parnell, or be boycotted, or dynamited, or anything else. It
would be dynamated if any girl married Parnell. Have the kindness,
sir, not to be so confoundedly clever. What I mean is, I.don't care
what political party comes in or goes out, or goes out altogether. I
want to be let alone, that's what I want. I have no proper earnestness.
Haven't I? How do you know, that when I was a boy, I had my nose
broken with a turnip at an election ? I have never cared for politics
since. No sensible man would. Any party can get in. Hang parties.
I shouldn't like to see the Russians take India. What would that
matter to me ? I could always get my Nepaul pepper at Fortnum and
Mason's. I don't care for curry and pillaus. No sensible man does
who has any respect for his liver. All that India has done for us has
been to make us go in for a lot of things to upset us. Nana Sahib
murdered the women and children and threw 'em down the well at
Cawnpore. He I he I I wish there was a well at Cawnpore and a
Nana Sahib here sometimes. I am sick of Christmas, and all the rest
of it, with a parcel of children and women fooling round everywhere.
I hate the Christmas and the politics, mince pies, and Conservatives,
and Liberals, and all the rest of it. I'm about sick of it all.
A CAKE of Windsor soap was not included as a donation when the
freedom of Windsor was conferred on Prince Henry of Battenberg. It
would have been an acceptable gift as he is a singularly cleanly young
man for a German.
CODDLING.-Taking a registering thermometer indoors when the
nights begin to get chilly I

JANUARY 6, 1886. F' UT N 9

CERTAIN grown-up people with wise"heads-are grumbling that the
pantomime of the present day is not the gay, rollicking, merry medium
of hearty tomfoolery that the pantomime of
five and twenty years ago was. Is the ginger-
bread of the present day so spicy in flavour,
and appetitive when taken immediately before
-1 S' dinner, as that of five and twenty years ago ?
Is the sherbert so fizzing and harmless, the
hardbake as full of almonds, and the jumbles
m-"-' ^ )so crisp? Is the plum-pudding as toothsome,
the snap-dragon so amusing? and do the
coryphkes ever conjure up dreams of fairyland
when you lay your heads on your pillows?
Ask yourselves these questions, ye adult
7o growlers I and be content with the modern
f 0 pantomime, so that in years to come they may
raise passably pleasant recollections.

A LADIES' Anti-Plumage League is on the tapis. The members will
be sworn to use every legitimate means to prevent other daughters of
Eve from wearing stuffed birds outside, and to encourage the more ex-
tensive use of mushrooms and truffles as a stuffing for the birds who have
been divested of their plumage preparatory to making a successful
appearance at table.
THE "ostrich walk" is now fashionable among snappy American
girls. The gait is a mysterious combination of the old Grecian bend
and Alexandra limp, with the British military goose-step. Yet many a
fair-haired Yankee damsel, with pleading hazel eyes and peach-bloomed
cheeks, looks pretty enough to tempt a man to put himself under a moral
obligation to her, though she handicaps herself by indulging in the
"ostrich walk."
GENERAL BOOTH toots his trumpet to the tune that the Salvation
Army will require 30,000 this year. Here's a glorious chance for some
wealthy lunatic to waste a little fortune straight off. A goodly number
of nervous folk would gladly give a yearly subscription to the Salvation
Army on condition that the warriors cease howling, shrieking, drum-
ming, and using brazen instruments of torture in the streets. We bribe
our organ-grinders, itinerant negro delineators, and German bands to
stop their excruciating noises; surely the same monetary compromise
might be made with the Salvationists. We give this suggestion to the
"General," as a safe means of increasing his revenue, and relieving the
public of a most unmitigated nuisance at the same time.

A PRIZE-FIGHTER has recently been fined for using his fists on his
wife. He informed the magistrate that his wife was anything but a
teetotaler, and he merely married her out of charity. The magistrate
sagely observed that though charity should always begin at home, head-
punching should not; and he would impress this moral deduction upon
the pugilist's mind by making him hand over the sum of forty shillings,
with the option of performing a month's hard labour in default.

THE Manchester police are contributing their quota towards driving
our canine friends mad by ordering all dogs to be "confined" till March
31st. April I is likely to be a very lively day in Manchester-a day on
which caustic will be used freely-a day of joy to those doctors who
don't happen to get bitten themselves by bow-wows.

"SALLY come up 1" Sarah Bernhardt's Marion Delorme at the Porte
St. Martin is likely to bulge out the managerial money-bags. Stall
tickets have been sold for 12 each. The Parisian sheep with golden
wool are evidently very easily fleeced.

THE foolish thief, with a confiding nature, who begged of a plain-
clothes constable to assist him to rob a drunken wayfarer in the Borough,
now bemoans having placed his trust with such lamb-like innocence in
sheep's clothing.
SERVIAN soldiers are not noted for marching to the fray with particu-
larly light hearts. Most Servian warriors carry good-sized wooden
crosses with them to be stuck on their graves after they are shot. The
Serb is supposed to fight more valiantly when he has his cross with him,
just as the Teuton is reported to battle more stubbornly when he has a
sausage in his knapsack.
THE Hibernian electors are foaming crude whisky at the mouth,
because the Rale Oirish Tuber is not adequately represented in the
House, They quiver with rage and indignation in consequence of only
one Murphy being returned as a Member of Parliament, and some of
them are daring enough to doubt whether he is really the "clean potato."

JONES. Ha, Brown, old man I I'm so glad I've me-
BROWN. What's up ? What the dickens is the matter ? Why do you
break off short, and gaze around as if in terror ?
JONES. Don't speak so loudly, my dear friend; it will attract atten-
tion. Come down this blind alley-that's it. I was going to say I'm
so glad I've met you. You're the very man I wanted to run across.
Hist I Is that a policeman ?
BROWN. Hang it, what if it is ? You aren't a criminal, are you ?
JONES. Well, I'm not yet, old man; but I'm going to be in a minute
or two. That is why I drew you up this blind alley. Come under this
dark arch.
BROWN. Good heavens I won't. Have you a design to murder me ?
JONES. No, no-'pon my word, old fellow, I wouldn't do that for the
world. No, no-not so bad as that; but come into some safer place.
I know a piece of waste ground close by; let's go there-that's it. I
was going to ask you, old fellow, if you would-but it isn't safe even
here; let us go away to some secluded country lane, between high
hedges, with no hills overlooking it-that's it. I'm very much obliged
to you for wasting your time thus on my account, and on your way to
the City too, where you had an important engagement. Well, let's
have another look round. All right. I wanted to ask you- but let's
go right away into the centre of the Great Sahara-there, that'll do.
Now I can breathe freely. I was going to ask you whether you could
oblige me with half-a-crown; fact is, I stupidly forgot my purse this
morning, and-
BROWN. My dear fellow, you needn't explain all that. Of course I'll
lend you halt-a-crown 1-fifty pounds if you like. Why, by the way, I
owe you a quid or two at the present moment. But why on earth all
this awful mystery and terror? Surely it isn't a criminal offence to
borrow half-a-crown of a friend ?
JONES. Isn't it ? The police have their doubts on the point anyhow.
Didn't you read in the paper how the Rev. M- B- B- was
charged at Wandsworth Police Court with begging at a cab in High
Street, Putney? The prisoner, who had a gentlemanly appearance,
said he did not beg. He had asked the gentleman-with whom he had
been at college-to lend him a trifle, and the gentleman had handed
him a shilling. He considered it was a loan. Prisoner's name and
that of the lender were found to be in the Clergy List. Prisoner was
discharged." Ooh I I knew it I There's a policeman collaring me
behind ,

Subsequent letter from JONES to BROWN :-" Dear Friend,-I was
found guilty at the Central Criminal Court, as my name could not be
found on the Clergy List. I am to be executed on: Monday morning.
Mrs. Jones will repay you the half-crown, as I desire to do rightly by
all I leave behind. Farewell."

Oh, Those Teeth!
AT this time of year people naturally feel it positively necessary to
enjoy themselves by feasting gleefully. To those unfortunate folk who,
suffering from toothache, neuralgia, and tender mouths, look forward to
watching with the jaundiced eye of envy their hard-mouthed relatives
consuming the good things of this life with white, flashing ivory teeth,
we commend a pamphlet by Dr. Geo, H. Jones, F.R.S.L., of 57, Great
Russell Street, Bloomsbury. It is called "Painless and Perfect
Dentistry," and explains not only the importance of the teeth, but the
importance of having bad offending toosie-pegs removed, and the
advisability of their being extracted without torture to the patient. We
counsel our readers to send to Dr. Jones for his pamphlet, and to read
it directly they suffer from toothache, if not before.

CAN a lover who indulges in bliss beneath the mistletoe be said to be
a mistle-to(e)per ?

0 N JANUARY 6, 886,

[" One crowded hour of glorious life
\Is worth an age without a name! "]

THE above remarks (though correct, no doubt,
And built on a very poetic plan),
With truthfulness cannot be spoken about
The statesman who's known as the Grand Old Man.
Mr. Gladstone has had many crowded hours
Of ceaseless work and of earnest aims:
Yet after his wars with the Tory pow'rs,
You can't say he's badly off for names.
Nay, many a name doth he own-and here
I'd fain recapitulate just a few ;
Now, some of these names are exceeding queer,
And mostly are framed by the Tory crew.
We Liberals call him Will o' the Axe,"
Old Collars," and also the People's Will; "
But your Tories, who reckon his method lax,
Often caU him an Iago," whose virtue's nilt.
Some call him "The Wizard of Wily Tongue,"
Some, "Arch-Intriguer" and "Hydra-head,"
And Bankrupt" and Babbler are at him flung;
While some, with a horror and holy dread,
Declare he's the BEAST of whom we read
In the Revelations; and one of late
(An arch Arch-deacon) said, Oh take heed,
Mr. Gladstone's the "Devil's Advocate."
"He thinks he's 'The Fav'rite of Heaven,'" sneers one
"He's a Man of Cunning," another cries-
"An Exploded Torpedo, whose power is done;"
While another declares he's a "Wolf in Disguise."
Some nickname him Figure-head," Robber," Wretch,"
Posturer," "Peddler," Rogue," and Thief,"
"A Sight for the Angels" (a touching sketch),
And other cognomens beyond belief.
Other names might be mentioned had I the space,
Such as "Vain Old Veteran," "Tree-chopping Sham,"
"Three Courses," "Mock Mahdi," and "Fiend of Disgrace,"
Murderer," Muddler," A Dog and a Damn !"-*
In short, Mr. Gladstone (now seventy-six,
But still the best statesman that Britain claims)
Is so hated by those who love Tory tricks,
That he never will perish for lack of names I
*" Mr. Gladstone, like other dogs and damns, has had his day."-Sunday Times.

The Other Side.
SOME hail the winter weather with feelings of delight,
And love to see the snow-flakes that clothe the land with white;
The air now keen, but bracing, sets many folks aglow,
As, wrapped in warm apparel, to skate they gaily go.
Around the cosy fireside some sit, and talk, and read,
With happy friends beside them. Ah I this is joy indeed;
And while the fire burns brightly, and mirth pervades the room,
Oft far from ev'ry bosom are banished thoughts of gloom,
But not always does the winter Earth's myriad children bless;
Ah, no I though some enjoy it, to some 'twill bring distress.
To some the winter season (which makes the rich elate)
Will mean an empty cupboard-a cold and cheerless grate.
To some the snow-clad'winter is as a mocking fiend,
Who feeds on squalid creatures from misery unscreened;
On them this dreary season seems terribly to frown,
As miles and miles they wander for work in every town.
Ay, think of it, ye wealthy, who gorgeous banquets spread,
Not far from you are outcasts deprived of home and bread 1
With scant and wretched clothing the searching storm they brave,
Till, sinking from starvation, they find the pauper's grave !
Thus, winter is more cruel than many seem to think,
It brings full many a toiler to Poverty's dread brink.
Ah I when the sky of winter across their pathway low'rs,
God help the poor and suffering in this Great World of ours !

WHAT the Servians said when they heard of the fall of Widden.-
"Good Widdens to bad wubbish."

(WE have received the following touching letter, and can only express -
our deep pity and sympathy for the suffering lady, and our detestation
and abhorrence of the attack upon her feelings) :-
Srs,-I lately received an urgent message informing me that a patient
of mine,",Miss Propriety, had been suddenly taken seriously ill-struck
down, as I gleaned, by some great and sudden shock to her system. I
at once proceeded to her residence, where I found her in a state of com-
plete prostration. .
On my entering she feebly opened her eyes, and with difficulty pointed
to a paragraph in a newspaper on the floor. I picked the paper up, and
"(To the Editor of the [Globe.)
"SIR,- If I shall not be taking up too much of your time and
space, I will tell you how we stamped out that pernicious disease
(treason) in the Western States. In the year 1847 there was a gang of
American-Irish working in mines not far from us. These men, in the
course of a few months, became a positive nuisance by stumping about
the town and neighboring villages preaching their Socialistic views on
the rights of property, &c. We formed a Vigilance Committee, and
repeatedly warned the ringleaders that we would not have the minds of
honest citizens poisoned by their pernicious doctrines. No heed being
paid to the warning, at daylight one morning seven men were found
hanging to lamp-posts in different parts of the town. These men proved
to be the ringleaders of sedition, and each found his cure on the lamp-
post nearest to his own residence. I do not say I had a hand in the
cure, neither do I say that I had not. As I think it the duty of every
one to make public any tried remedy for any foul disease, I recommend
the above cure to the notice of all loyal men, whether English or Irish.
-Your obedient servant, "A LOYAL AMERICAN."
"Booh-ooh I" burst out my unhappy patient, when she became
conscious of my having read the letter. "Oh, dear I-oh, dear I That
I should ever-with my intense susceptibilities-have had to read such
shocking-such shocking-what is the word, doctor ? Some word which
expresses all that is shocking, and revolting, and dreadful, and un-
bearable !"
"OUTSPOKENNESs?" I suggested.
"That's it," she sobbed, "Such shocking outspokenness 1 I'm
sure I shall never recover I"
Well, Sir, to tell you the truth, I had some doubts about it myself.
However, I decided to try a course of gentle restoratives in the way of
light amusement and distraction. For several hours every day I read to
her out of the paper such trifles as seemed best calculated to take her
mind off the horrors of outspokenness. I read to her of men, women,
and children murdered in cold blood by Irish "Moonlighters," of
attempts by Irish-Americans to butcher crowds of unoffending people by
means of dynamite, and of other cognate trifles. But I had to be very
careful to avoid perilous subjects.
"You must tell me at once if anything I read is beginning to shock
you," I said.
"Oh, none of those little things you are reading could shock any one,
I am sure," she replied. "Don't mind them in the least; they take
my mind off that dreadful letter and its-its OUTSPOKENNESS Oh,
dear I to think how people can suggest such dreadful things, instead of
hiding the necessity for them away, and hushing them up, and so on, as
any proper person would do I"
"Of course, madam, of course," I said; and just at that moment a
great blundering fellow walked into the room and said, "Pooh, ma'am I
Better to hang ten thousand treasonable cut-throats up to London lamp-
posts than to let one honest, right-minded citizen go in fear of his life.
And what's more, ma'am, I'd lend a hand myself to-day I"
Yow-ow-ow I!" yelled poor Miss Propriety.
And now, Sir, I do not believe she ever will recover. I find that
blurting idiot of a fellow is named SOUND SENSE.-I am, yours obe-
diently, TWADDLE (DOCTOR).





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~Ij~U~ ~o)



-..- -
*fi a


To CoxKKsroNDXNTrs.-Tkm Editor des:s nt bind himssgf to acknowlwdge, return, or ay far Contributiu. In m cass will they h rats. Md uaulss
sccomtasdad by stamisd and directed eswloas.


lll *m

12 FUN. JANUARY 6, 1886.




Our English Way.
THE time is festive, let's be gay
Night and day!
Drink we till of ills the worst
Is thirst !
Drink, drink we till we cease to know
Top from toe-
Till sense, in liquors red, white, brown,
We drown I
Hail we the hopeful time to come
With rum I
Drown we regrets and memories vain
In champagne !
Repining's folly, let's be merry
On sherry 1
To banish care, what's so handy
As brandy ?
Depression, bah !-to make us frisky
There's whisky !


To ease distress ot every sort,
Gen'rous port I
For every human ill, in fine,
Wine I wine I
Come, then, let's quaff the Old Year out
In stout I
Let's lay its phantoms grim and pale
With ale 1
The opening New Year let's begin
With gin I
Prosperous, or on ruin's brink,
Let's drink !
Let's pledge each day throughout the year
In beer 1
Nor envy him his drunken boast
Who drinks most I

WHEN yew bet on a dubble event, try and
maik wun of them a sertanty.-O. E. P.

Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves the
addition of Starch.


Don't Poll-(tax) Early.
[THE French have lately been contemplating the
placing of a high poll-tax upon all foreigners visiting
IF the French should be so foolish as to start
this silly tax,
'Twill prove that with regard to their own in-
t'rests they are lax :
For foreigners now staying there, away will
soon "make.tracks"
(At least, so thinks the bard who pens this
If they polled the whole of England, they would
quickly find that we
Consider that 'tis not pol(l)ite to charge us
s. d.;
And therefore, should our friend the Gaul in
sist this tax shall be,
He'll find it but a sorry game of Pol(1)o!


R- u
As ba Qulfe r. ftnsisi







VOL. XLIII.-NO. 1079,



4 T._JANUARY 13. 886.

sider that Mr. Barrymore,
in concocting the remark-
able work produced here
under the title of Nadjezda,
has been guilty of a great
waste of nightmares. If,
instead of putting all he
has ever had (and perhaps
one or two belonging to
other people) into this one
play, he had used one, or
at most two, at a time, each
horror would have had an
equal chance to freeze the
blood to the full extent of
its individual right, and such
a library of ghastliness
would have been founded
as would probably have no
equal. As it is, the blood-
curdlers follow each other
so closely that there is no
time for the blood to un-
curdle itself between them
THE SURREv. -HR's COCK OF TH':E ALK- andatlastwegetquiteaccus-
THAT'S wHy ROBINSON CREW-SO, tomed to, and fond of, the
gleaming dagger, the fatal
phial, the deadly brotherhood, and crime s too hideous to mention.

INDEED 'tis a gruesome work this Nadiezda, with a sort of sham force
about it at times through its accumulated horrors. Its dialogue is dull
and wordy on the whole (it occasionally livens up into vulgarity, and
once into down-right coarseness 1) and its whole tone is rough and
morbid; beyond this it has small individuality, and seems to derive
much of its inspiration from MoIlt s and Fedora, with an unpleasant
historical incident thrown in.
Miss EMsiLY RIGL, although almost unintelligible in excited pas-
sages, has a good command of the English tongue, and in some of the
lighter portions of the play she acts with excellent effect, She always
does so with intelligence (except in the prologue, where she is artificial
to a degree), but with an over-portentousness of look and manner
generally, and a too ready indulgence in hysterical laughter, which soon
becomes the reverse of impressive. She is an actress of undeniable
promise, however, It was hard upon an old admirer of hers, like
myself, to see Miss Lydia Foote overact so dreadfully as she did in her
one scene, but she was nervous, probably, and the inflated violence of
what she had to say, no doubt, decoyed he r from her art. Miss
Eureka Grubb found a fitting representative in Miss Georgina Drew, a
lady from America,
WITH all my experience of Mr. Beerbohm Tree's versatility, I was
scarcely prepared for the remarkably original and striking impersonation
of the Russian Prince which he gave us. His extreme age weakened
the point of the piece somewhat, and rendered Nadine's stabbing him
a rather un-
satisfactory -
revenge (es-
pecially, by- ,
the-way, as
she poisons
herself im- -
mediately af-
ter), but it is
amarvellous- ..-
ly artistic bit
of acting. ',
Mr. Mackin-
tosh is fairly "/". '
wellsuitedas '
Korvitch, if
he'd only
"get on "ka a
little quick-
nofault of his SEEMS TO BE !
Own, wan-
ders rather aimlessly about the piece, with little chance of showing
his quality; and the remaining gentlemen-Messrs. Barrymore, Maurice,

and Forbes Dawson-acquit themselves well enough in more or less
puzzling characters.

THE AQUARIUM.-The Viennese Orchestra and Grenadier Guards
combination here is now in full swing, and the Princess Lili Dolgorouki
having "joined," and the acoustics having been satisfactorily seen to, I
really don't know where you will find a more inspiriting sight or
"sound of its kind. I shall refer to it at length presently,

NODS AND WINKS.-At the Court Theatre "The Dramatic Students"
give their third performance on Tuesday next, for which occasion they
have chosen Dryden's Secret Love.

THE SuRREY.-There's a good pantomime here, but I haven't the
space this week to say all I want to about it, so, if I hint that Miss
Maude Stafford is a lively and efficient hero, perhaps you'll excuse
more at present, from your "luvin" friend, NESTOR.

-With the
.- .-e.. lad New
SYear Imade
-' a number of
for use
during the
I,'I current
t wel ve
1 .- months, and
none more
."edly than
one relat-
ing to the
doubling of
... my income
-this I
shall do by
the simple process of betting twice as much as usual against my own
prognostications. You have asked me for a programme for the year;
that is my reply, and a sufficiently comprehensive programme, too, I
venture to think.
The racing prospects of the coming season are sufficiently inviting.
"Now, gents, hurry up, hurry up, and plank down the shiners like
the merry Trojans you are I" is the general tenour of the invitation.
Billiards look in good cue, skittles are bowled, boating will soon be well
afloat, cricket will be out on bail, and, generally speaking, there will be
lots of sport with Amyrillis in the shade.
Many persons have, during the past year, enquired why I so seldom
give the winning horse. A young lady called upon me yesterday and
told me if I didn't give better tips this year than I did last, she'd
"know the reason why." Enquirers, therefore, had better wait till
the end of the year, when the young lady will evidently be in a position
to afford every information.
My first great effort of the season will be in the matter of the Water-
lou Cup, the great Dog Derby. Look out for it.
I am, yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
P.S.-Talking of dogs, have you seen the Christmas Number of The
Kennel Review? It has eight page plates of "well bred dogs," por-
traits of five of Her Majesty's Favourites," two satirical cartoons, and
a mass of dog literature of a useful and entertaining nature, which is
worth all the money. If you like dogs you ought to borrow or steal it
at once.

Very Fine Art.
THE great reputation of Sir Tohn Everett Millais, Bart., R.A., as an
artist will have its fullest vindication in the minds of all who understand
Art in the present assemblage of some of his most notable works at the
Grosvenor Gallery. Coming prominently before the public almost in
his student days as both a preacher and a teacher, he has overcome all
obstacles, outlived all opposition, and proved his title to the lofty posi-
tion which, as the result of his abilities, gained him his title. Such an
exhibition of the product of forty years' hard labour give abundant proof,
if such were needed, of the power of versatile genius in various direc-
tions, to work out its aims and to arrive at well-earned eminence. This
lesson at least may be learned from so great a master.

WHEN two women kiss, it is like a glass of grog without the whisky
in it.-O. E. POTTS,

JANUARY 13, 8S6. FU N 15

HOOKWINCH felt that he was a born clown. Then why shouldn't he be the Grimaldi of private life?
I ,,.< -< s -< -.". l ... i" I. I'" 7 7 7--- 7 ,7 11

He managed the Hot Poker Trick beautifully. His Butter-Slide was a success. And he did some capital "business" with
n Taflor's Dummy.

But when le purloined a Small Boy's Tart, the Small Boy
and his Mates" made it rather warm for Hookwinch !

An attempt to get up a Rally at a Coster s
Barrow proved rather a failure.

And "Bonneting a Bobby" settled him!
(N.B.-Two months I)

"MERRILY, merrily, over the snow !" That pasty-faced daughter of
my landlady has been Equalling this idiotic song over the staircases all
the morning. I should like to see her stuck in the cistern and frozen ;
she wouldn't be so pleased with the winter, then. The servant who
came in with my breakfast this morning, said, "Please, sir, will you
pay something towards clearing the snow away." Clearing the snow
away, indeed I "They can clear it away or they can let it stop," I
said. "Missis says, if you don't, the snow's slippery and you'll come
down a buster." "Get out," I said. That idiot Jones came in while
I was eating my breakfast. He left a puddle on the hearthrug from
his umbrella, and stood shivering before the fire. "It's very seasonable
weather," he said. I said, "I don't care whether it's seasonable or not
-don't rust the fender I" "It makes one think of the Alps," he went
on, "their hoary heads rising in the sullen clouds." "They can rise
their heads in the sullen clouds, or they can poke them in the earth, or
they can turn themselves into volcanoes, or do what they like for what
I care-I hate the snow, and always did, and I've got to go out I"
Jones said he would go out, too. He's one of those confounded
limpets who would stick to you if you were going to be hung. I have
to muffle myself in a beastly way. We are just on the steps when a
voice above cries, "Look out I" I look up, and a shovelful of snow
comes full in my face from the roof. It takes me down on my knees.
"You needn't use such awful language if you are hurt," says Jones.
" Oh, you wicked old cretur," says an old woman, "you'll go to wuss
than brimstone and treacle, some day."
I tell a constable to o take the woman in charge for using abusive
language. Well, they ain't exactly sweetmeats as has come out o'
your mouth, sir," he answers ; "they don't teach such good cussing as
that in the School Boards, anyhows." I meant to let that vagabond

have a New Year's gift, but he shan't have one. We walk along a
little way, when a snowball hits me right on the nape of the neck. I
see a little wretch hiding in a doorway. I pretend to laugh, and creep
back stealthily. I take him by the shoulder. Won't I give him a
luscious slap on the ear? Confound it I've missed him. Down
again on the snow. "You wicked, spiteful old vagabin'." This is the
boy's mother. She has got a truckful of fish. "I'd give you one in
the eye with this 'ere, if I wasn't so busy." She takes up a mackerel
and holds its nose close against mine. I shudder, and make away.
I won't walk in the streets; I'll ride. A four-wheeled cab comes by,
drawn by two horses tandem. I shout for it. "Nice and warm," says
the cabman ; "we'll go along like sixpenny telegrams." The inside of
the cab smells like a dustbin that has had a dirty blanket burnt in it.
I am nearly choked by the time we get to Lombard Street. We creep
along, too, at about a mile an hour.
What's the fare?" I say, when we get there, "Leave it to you,
captain." "I want to know the are," I say. I hate being imposed
upon by these vagabonds. "Well," he says, "as you doesn't look well
this morning, let's say six bob and a drink." Like his most infernal
impertinence. "I shall give you half-a-crown, and no more; and
nothing extra for yourself-of course not." I won't have your half-
dollar; and I will give yer somethin'for yourself," He jumps off the
box, and begins sparring at me. He has struck me in the eye, and I
am down in the snow. Police I He has got oft in the crowd. Snow I
-snow !-I'm- DIOGENES TUBBS.

"JACK AND JILL'S" 5 :5 : o Diophantine Competition is indeed 7our-
nalistic Novelty. Every copy has a Distinctive Number in Red on the Front
Page. The arithmeticalfroblem isas easy as A BC. Everyone should compete..


16 F UN.. JANUARY 13, 1886.



k -0. Alp,

"Oh, policeman I know it's quite right that everybody else's dog should be muzzled; but youwon't mind my littledog being without one, will you, as it's only
DBAR FIDO?" "Oh, certainly not, mumn -We couldn't expect Dear Fido to conform to the law!" said the constable, weeping at the bare thought.

"Oh I Man! I know he's mad; but please don't kill him, as it's only Dear Fido I" And of course the man desisted, as it was only Dear Fido.

"He's a naughty, naughty pet, to have bitten you when he was maddy, waddy. But you won't mind dying of hydrophobia, as it's only Dear Fido, will you?
Oh, certainly not, ma'am. As it's only Dear Fido, I shall rather enjoy it," very properly replied the Public.

1 _FU NTJN .-JANUARY 13, 1886.


18 JANUARY 13, 886.

(See Newspaper Revelations as to Recruits of Fourteen.)
DEAR SIR,-I feel sure your domesticated heart will induce you to
insert a few lines from a pained mother whose offspring is indirectly the
victim of the infant-recruit system now in vogue. If your editorial-
want-of-space-and-so-forth instincts incline you to refuse me publication,
please lay the matter before Mrs. FUN, and let her decide.
The injury accruing to infants who live in the vicinity of barracks, and
who depend for health and change of air on their perambulators and
nurses, is almost impossible to conceive. I discovered only yesterday a
base and atrocious deception which my nursemaid had evidently been
practising upon me for some time past. Being much engaged in district
visiting, I have been in the habit of entrusting the care of little Johnnie
greatly to his nursemaid, in whom I reposed the greatest confidence.
Now, I have long been aware that Jane was, as she calls it, walking
out" with a soldier; but I offered no objection to his walking (as I
foolishly believed) by the side of Jane as she wheeled the perambulator.
For some time, however, I have fancied that my little Johnnie looked
rather small and huddled up when proceeding out in his perambulator ;
and yesterday I had the curiosity to go out and see the reason of it.
Judge, Sir, of my surprise on finding that Jane had rolled up a bundle
of wraps to look like Johnnie, and was about to wheel that out to the
Park ; while, on going upstairs, I discovered little Johnnie fast asleep in
his crib
Then, Mr. Editor, the base girl began to cry, and confessed that she
had been in the habit of leaving little Johnnie at home, and calling for
htr soldier at the barracks, and putting him in Johnnie's rightful place
in the perambulator, and wheeling him about. She also admitted that
he had been regularly supplied with milk in Johnnie's bottle; and, Sir,
I found that he had gnawed Johnnie's indiarubber ring almost to shreds I
Not to speak of the wicked deceitfulness on the part of Jane's soldier
-(for how, I ask, is a soldier who can descend to such base deception
fitted to uphold the honour of his country, and to be trusted not to break
his parole, and his furlough, and all those other points of honour which
are the pride of the British army?)-how can I ever repose confidence in
Jane again, or be happy when my little Johnnie is far, far from his
mother's watchful eye in the distant Park?-I remain, dear Sir, yours
obediently, A DECEIVED MOTHER.

British Army; at the front.
MONSIEUR THE COLONEL,-I grieve to trouble you, but your ficquet,
whom we took prisoners yesterday, are putting me in the greatest per-
plexity. On bringing them into camp we discovered that they had not
their pap-spoons or food-warmers with them, and we haven't anything
of the kind in camp. Besides this, one of them has a pain, having
swallowed a cartridge which had been given to him for his gums. What
do you do when one of your soldiers has a pain ?-Yours truly,
MONS. THE COLONEL,-I haste to send the food-warmers and pap-
spoons, together with a supply of pap, by orderly nurse, whom I will
beg you to admit to care of picquet. We generally treat a pain caused
by swallowing a bullet-a not infrequent occurrence among our-a-
our men-by holding the sufferer head downwards, afterwards adminis-
tering a little soothing syrup, a bottle of which I send.-Yours truly,
JOHN JONES (Colonel).
P.S.-Should be glad to arrange an exchange of prisoners-say one
Cossack for each ten British regulars.
MONS. THE COLONEL,-I shall be happy to exchange on the terms
you mention, as I consider my soldiers cheap at the price. In fact, I

will throw in twenty dozen of your regulars over, as they do nothing but
have pains, and will not do me much harm when you have 'em.-
Yours truly, AST (Colonel).

DEAR FUN (or, p'r'aps, to be polite,
Dear Mr. FUN, I ought to write),-

A tidy lot of questioning.

Their scope is wide, their depth is vast,
They pierce the future and the past,
.They hold the present in a vice
And, on the whole, are rather nice.

The mysteries of life and death-
On this and that-what wisdom saith-
Of psychic force and things of State
Deep questions thus I formulate.

As "Why should this be thus ? and Why
Should that so little signify ? "
Why should the other cause a shock ?"
And Who's your hatter? "What's o'clock ?"

When tired with these imaginings,
I turn my thoughts to higher things;
And then I mentally discuss
Some less intricate problems thus-

Why should a man whose whole career
Has fitted him for drinking beer,
Consort with parsons of the
And let them make him sign
the pledge?

Why should a maiden full of
And ravishingly fair of face.
Upon the mere approach of
Shroud half her beauties with a

Why should a man who's
worked always p)
The strictest of teetotal lays-
When virtue's pathway he for-
Perceive blue mice and scarlet lg7
Why should a girl, in form and
Extravagantly lank (or slim),
Assume the costume of a page,
And show them off upon the stage?

Ah, MR. FUN, above all things,
I love these mental questioning I
I love them all, upon this ground-
There are no answers to be found.

In quite a
I'm drop-
ping you
a line to
When day is
done and
And on my
sofa I re-
Within my

JANUARY 13, i886.

.ii~..ira~i 1 i 11 ,111-.ii- -- ^ ^ ^ ^^ -. ^ ^iiiiFU N '9 I-- -.- M -^ II-.i.^ f -- -

Host (to new and inexperienced Young OMan).-" JOHN." ohn.-" YESSIR."

EVENTS-nay, Sir, I may say extra-special events-over which I have
had no appreciable control, having' for some years past prevented my
attendance at Drury Lane Theatre at the well-known and popular
entertainment which is on the bills of that house on Twelfth Night only,
I was especially glad to accept Mr. Harris's invitation last week.
Whether the other guests were equally glad at my acceptation, it is
not for me to say; though I admit it is possible that some rival wags,
jealous of that extra-special way of my own that I possess, were wicked
enough to spitefully resent my presence.
I say were wick "-ed enough, my dear Sir, advisedly, because, don't
you see? men are apt to feel "wick "-ed when they are hopelessly
"snuffed out !" But this is merely by the way.
To tell you the simple truth, then, worthy Sir, I was in great form on
the 6th. To say I coruscated would but mildly express my waggish
brilliance. Before I had been on the stage a minute, Mr. A. M. Broadley,
so to speak, ignited me. "Well done, old man, isn't it ?" he queried,
as he looked beamingly round on the well-spread tables.
"Well done ?" I echoed sharply. "Certainly not In my opinion,
it's 'Baddeley' done, and you can tell Augustus I say so I"
Before the defender of Arabi could retort, I had moved on to a group
of visitors, who had gathered round the charming actress who plays
Aladdin. "It's a good job Mr. 'Extra,'" she said to me presently, in
her musical voice, that Mr. Harris does not stick literally to the old
will, and only give us the cake and wine."
Ab I you may be sure Augustus would not do that," I returned.
"His motto, take my word for it, is 'Not too "Baddeley," but just
"Baddeley" enough.' Eh, Mr. Lal ?" I added, turning to the terrible
sea-rover of the Novelty. Hush I was his mysterious reply. "Mumm's
the word And with that, we took our seats.
Mr. Harris was good enough to ask me to cut up the cake; but I
excused myself on the ground that I was not a critic.
I thought of suggesting that he need not trouble any of his guests, as
it would suffice to put the cake down in either of the Stall entrances,
where, from my Extra-Special knowledge of theatres, I felt convinced

there would be a draught that cut like a knife I But I contented myself
with working off this as a confidential quip to the people I conversed
with after supper.
It was after supper, too, that Mr. Broadley showed me an Arab knife
stained with gore, which had cut up an unfortunate slave girl.
"Really now !" I said, raising my voice for several proximate City
aldermen to hear, "I am surprised the Arab used a knife. I had a
notion that the wild Soudanese always cut up girls with a 'cut-lass '"
[N.B.-On the strength of this quip I booked no less than five invi-
tations to City Dinners, and two of them with Livery Companies, where,
I've heard, they slip bank-notes inside your table-napkin.]
I spare you, Sir, a list of all my post-ccenal facetize about drinking
Baddeley," coming Baddeley off," and the like. "There's only one
kind of cake I don't like," I said earnestly to a rising young dramatist,
as he helped me to another slice.
"Indeed," he answered, "and what cake may that be? Oil-cake
possibly?" "No !" I exclaimed curtly; "stomach-cake."
And when I saw that rising young dramatist making an entry in his
note-book just after, it struck me that I had, as it were, cast my cake
upon the waters.
"A capital speech that of yours," I said to Mr. Harris as we met
whilst the dancing was going on. "A tremendous capital speech it
was, indeed I"
"Tremendous capital," he cried. "Whatever do you mean ?"
Why, if it was not a tremendous capital' speech, how could we all
have derived such great interest' from it, eb ? I inquired.
"Come, now, how many stalls is it you really want?" returned the
acute Augustus, thinking to silence me, no doubt.
But he little knew my powers of repartee. "No, no," I exclaimed,
"that won't do. If you wish to recompense me for my compliment,
pay me all at once, please, and not by a series of in-stall-meants 1"
Why, I calculate that, including my depreciating the currantcy"
quip, and that about even a fig having its raisin-date," I made seven-
teen jokes anent the Cake alone; and, on the whole, I must say that it
is long since I did so well, and yet so Baddeley, on the same evening.




JANUARY 13, 1886.

CRNE-TAe Gloomy Recesses of the Land of Misrule. JONBULLO the
OGRE discovered applying the lash of Reduced Rents to BOGTROTTER

B. the B. Oh, woe is mine I
No friendly hand to smash
SaThis tyrant Ogre with his
alien lash!
See how I writhe, while no
one comes to slay
The foe who has reduced the
rent I pay.
Year after year beneath the
hand I quake
That clipped the landlord's
profits for my sake.
\0\ Oft I compare the lash that
makes me wince
With the mild rule of mine
own native prince-
The good Prince Moonlight.
Chorus of FRIENDS of IRE-
1. the B. Whose name
Awakes a cheerwhichspeaks
his well-earned fame.
My sweet Prince Moonlight,
for whose rule I yearn ;
Who's ever doing me some
kindly turn
With what small power he
has-for, ban of bans,
Yon alien Ogre stultifies his
To some extent, and does his best to kill
The full fruition of his kindly will.
What he'd achieve, but for this Ogre's rumpus,
Is shown by what he does contrive to compass.
Such little ways he has with which to breed
Affection for him; and they quite succeed.
He'll come at night, kill cattle, and destroy cot
Of him who speaks to folk he's told to boycott
Last week, for some incautious word she said.
He "combed" my crippled mother. Now she's dead :
My aged granny, with her brimming measure
Of years, incurring our good League's displeasure,
He stopped her small parochial relief:
And now she's dead of hunger and of grief :
However small our means, and sorely meagre,
He makes us pay him something as a Leaguer:
Who ever, pleading he could not afford it,
And begging mercy, found our Prince accord it ?
No one I He shoots such traitors by the score.
Long live Prince Moonlight, whom we all adore 1
B. the B. To sum it up, I'm in a perfect fright
For life and limb, and chattels, day and night;
Where'er I hie me, north, or west, or south,
He eyes me, and my heart is in my mouth I
I see a bullet lurk in every stone;
I dare not breathe ; my soul is not my own.
All day, all night, I tremble, shake, and wince-
I may have angered, unawares, our Prince I
Gone are the little hoardings that I prized;
All work is gone; and trade is paralyzed.
With searching round for food my eyes are sore--
Bless good Prince Moonlight, whom we all adore I
JeNEULLO. Come, now. The time for payment long is spent;
I've cancelled all your long arrears of rent.
Perhaps you'll pay a quarter of the rest?
Down with that Ogre whom we all detest! '
(Flourish of Trumpets. Enter PRINCE MOONLIGHT.)
B. the B. (kissing his boots). My cherished Prince !
PRINCE M. Ah I If yon Ogre tied
My hands a little less, I'd tan your hide !
If I could only gain my right position,
Talk of the tortures of the Inquisition I
I'dhold you down I I'd grind you in the mudl

I thirst for justice? Pooh1 I thirst for blood !
If you desire to grasp the whole I mean,
Give me a Parliament on College Green I
(The Good Fairy PARNELLA rises, banishes JONBULLO, and confers un-
limited lowers on PRINCE MOONLIGHT. BOGTROTTER sings a chans
of gratitude, Harlequinade.- Very lively indeed!)

TENDER-HEARTED, heavy-pursed, 18 carat-gold-laden males, do
please be cautious in the train, omnibus, and tramcar, of thieves be-
longing to the "weaker" sex! Carefully
wrapped up, they sit alongside you, and perhaps
you don't object to their warmly close proxi-
mity. Then they rob you with Gatling gun
rapidity; and when you discover your loss, and
make it known, your friends congratulate you
on being a double-barrelled fooL This is not
the voice of experience; somebody's told us.

A LITTLE dispute recently arose in Birming-
ham between a gentleman and his fiancee, who
is a Zulu by birth. When the argument had
grown hot, the lady rendered it fiery by sailing
majestically into her lover's affections with a
paraffin lamp. As she was warming up his
head, the police poked their noses into the matter, and disturbed the
proceedings entirely. After a fortnight in the hospital, the amorous
lover crawled round to the magistrate who held the fate of the Zulu
maiden in his hands, and begged him not to tear two fond hearts
asunder, but to discharge the little sweetheart, as he wished to marry
her forthwith. His appeal was successful, and after having accepted
the magistrate's blessings and good wishes, the happy pair started off to
make the necessary preparations for their nuptials.

MR. JOSEPH FOLLY, a ticket-of-leave man arrested for stealing what
wasn't his'n, stole a march on human justice lately by hanging himself
with his braces. Joseph is described as having been a "neck-or-
nothing, dare-devil sort of man-one who chafed at the restraint of
penal servitude." What a pity a larger number of professional thieves
don't chafe at penal servitude to the galling extent that Joseph did,
and with the "wisdom" of Folly-hang themselves.
THE clergy are still extending their operations. Hitherto they have
taken a great interest in the stage. Now some of them are drifting into
physic and surgery. The Bishop of Rangoon, for instance, is teaching
a large class of ladies how to doctor and dismember their fellow-
creatures. But we fancy that the clergyman who can teach a graceful
girl a step-dance will always be a greater pet with the fair sex than one
who can instruct her as to the most approved method of amputating an

FLESH and blood is not a vastly expensive commodity in dreamy
Italy. A gentle organ-grinder recently purchased a couple of Italian
boys of their parents for thirteen shillings each. This owner of white
slaves sorrows that performing monkeys are so much more costly to buy
than children.
"WHAT, ho apothecary." Three doctors and one dispenser are
pauper inmates of Islington workhouse. Entering the union must have
been a bitter pill for these poor gentlemen to swallow. One would
imagine that some of their wealthy professional brethren might have
saved them from sinking into the poorhouse. Poor beggars I they are
probably anxiously waiting for death's sleeping draught.
AFTER all, Sir James Hannen.is not going to resign his position in
that popular place of entertainment, the Divorce Court. No I the
learned judge will still continue to sit there, and smile blandly on bad
boys and girls, and chuckle affably at counsels' witticisms.

Two little boys, who were fined ten shillings apiece for cutting down
a tree fourteen feet in height in Phoenix Park, Dublin, excused them-
selves on the ground that they were only playing at Mr. Gladstone, and
didn't mean any harm. The magistrate told them that Mr. Gladstone
never cut down other people's trees, and they ought to be birched.

IN China, Celestials venerate the snow; they collect it, and super-
stitiously reverence it. In England, Chinese do.not worship snow. A
couple of Celestials passed down Charlotte Street the other day. They
were pelted by ragged urchins with pea-soupy looking snowballs. As
they pulled up their petticoats and fled, the Anglo-Chinese oaths used
by the Celestials savoured of the supposed lingo of the infernal regions.

JANUARY 13, I886. F T N 21I

Dashed Delight.
[" Mr. Warton," says the Daily News, "has happily retired into
private life. But Mr. Biggar remains."] ._.
O LIFE, thou'rt many coloured,
A kaleidoscopic thing;
The wise man and the dullard
Feel its blessing and its sting.
E'en politics is stained
With sorrow's deepest stain;
We thought some peace we'd gained
When Warton ceased his reign.
But, oh I sad disappointment
Enmeshes us with chains-
Oh, spoiler of Joy's ointment,
Our Biggar still remains I
For years the Bridport Blocker
Waged war againstt each wise Bill,
And Biggar was a mocker,
Against the people's will.
That Blocker has been shunted-
So far we breathe again-
But, lo I we are confronted
With that which causes pain !
We have lost the "Yah-yah I" Snuffer-
Our Warton-minus brains I
But ah a greater duffer-
Joe Biggar-still remains!

RICHES have wings-they fly away from some
To settle upon others, like the bees
That swarm on unappreciative trees,
Which to their honied buzz are deaf and dumb, V V
Not to the men who need it riches come;
It ever gravitates to wealth and ease,
While Poverty grows poorer by degrees,
Till wants cold clasp all hope and life benumb.
Pounds shower on one-another sighs for pence.
Both make investments that are nought but sound. AND HE THE PICTURE OF HEALTH!"
Money and notes are "circular," and hence "MY DEAR FLISBY,. WHY DO YOU RISE AND LEAVE THE CONCERT-
It is the world continues to go round. ROOM AFTER EVERY PIECE ?"
Yet money squares most things; and common sense "DOCTOR'S ADVICE, MY DEAR FELLOW: ORDERED, ON NO ACCOUNT,
Knows that earth's pleasantness is bought per pound I TO SIT BETWEEN Two AIRS."

A Mem. for the Men. For every young lady of fashion confesses
[Man, who has been nearly driven out of some of his occupations by the competi. That Man is a Heaven-born Maker of Dresses I
tion of female labour, has now a taste of that revenge which is said to be sweet.
Women who dress well maintain that a man makes their fearful and wonderful gar.- Then, to arms I or to Needles," we rather should say,
ments far better than female dressmakers !-Daily Pafers.] And hey I for the thimble and thread;
LOVELY Woman (ah, long may she flourish and reign), Man must study Le Follet and Myra each day,
Of late many men hath upset, If he'd earn for that day daily bread.
By taking their callings up now and again, Yea, of flounce and of furbelow, "gusset" and "gore,"
But she hasn't quite conquered them yet I Let no man the mystery shirk;
She has gone in for Med'cine and Schoolboards-nay, more, O'er trimmings, and ruebings, and patterns let's pore,
She aspires e'en to Parliament fame; So that women may give us some work I
She has carried off clerkships, and men have felt sore For wouldd seem that we still may have Woman's caresses,
At her masculine-work spoiling game. By giving our minds to the Making of Dresses,
But a chance of revenge comes to soothe our distresses-
We men can go in for the Making of Dresses. WHITE WEDNESDAY.
For we read in the various prints of the day
Of a chance for the men they've oppressed. ,!-'
All correctly-dressed women now everywhere saylIlIi1 I '
That the gowns made by men are the best-
The wonderful frocks in which women-folk shine,
More correctly are made by the male.
Than by women brought up to the dress-making line-
Then why in despair should we wail?
Since Woman grows bold, and poor Man she oppresses,
Let Man give his mind to the Making of Dresses I !
O, ye poets and novelists, since ye have found
Lovely Woman usurping your thrones,
Take up, we beseech ye, this newly-found ground-
A truce to all murmurs and moans.
If you can't by your stories and lays become rich,
'Cause ladies now with you compete,
At least you can patiently sit down and stitch, _"-
And make your fair rivals look neat. A MEMENTO OF JAN. 6.

6'4 To COWRFSPONDKrNNTS.-Thd EditOr dn ret tbind Idmsef to ackhowledgv, return, or Ay ftr Cotributiei It me cans will tkey k rtetar-d umlens
accomoametd 6y a stamped mad diarated eaveloAL


JANUARY 13, I886.


"it "u iIfr l7 4 iilC; L ',u& .t t t t.,. t R' .1


The Opening of St. Stephen's
WHAT ho, my masters I Not agreed
About your studies? Well,-ha-hum-
Young gentlemen of Lib'ral creed
Ought not to pout and look so glum;
You've reached a pretty pass indeed
In your curriculum I
When insubordination's rife
Within a class the like of you,
And mutiny shows signs of life
Among a once-united crew,
It promises domestic strife-
And rods in pickle, too.
'Tis strange if you do not discern
The evil of such hardihood
As arguing to overturn
The course your tutor thinks is good;
Were it not safer far to learn
Your lessons as you should ?

At any rate, his force is high
To gain the end that he has sought;
"What ho, my pupils I" he may cry,
I beg you'll take my line of thought."
SLet's teach the teacher I" you reply:
He says, "You must be taught I"

Doth 'E-Iy ?
[The Queen has ordered a congd-delire or the
electing ot a Bishop of Ely.]
LET us hope that the electors of this See
E'er will be
Inclined to a demeanour that is see-rious;
Let us hope this congi given by the Queen
Ne'er will mean
That in choosing a new Bishop they're
d'elire-ious !

So long as the inventor of the lazy-tongs
shall go without a monument shall man merit
the stigma of ingratitude.-O. E. POTTS.

The Debtor.
" RASTUS, they tell me that you are a father,"
Thus said a pillar of the congregation
Unto a chestnut coloured fellow member.
"Yes, sah, my wife and me done gone distribute
Our little sheer to fill de population."
"And is the babe baptized ? inquired the
'You know it ought to be." "Yis, sah-I
'lows it.
It railly should be, but I can't affo'd it."
"What-not afford it when it costs you nothing?"
" I knows dat, sah-dat de mere act of baptism
Don't in itself cost nuthin', but you see, sah,
I truly owe de minister a dollah-
A dollah wid de interest-for performing'
De weddin' ceremony a year ago, sah,
An I'se afeerd dot he mought raise objection
To go an' take de trouble of baptisin'
A babe dat hasn't never yit been paid for.
I guess I'd better squar' him fo' de wedden
Befo' I bodder him to bless a baby
*Dat ain't been settled fo' an' I'se in debt on.

'IR-'S^- --I5'. c" FiaylUa
I S II Cadb r y's

ak POW Ie up, t prove. the o
SWrite as smoothly as a lead pencil, and neither scratch nor sr St. c o a
ALPRDBRD &D BO 8N, D oe Wori the points being rounded by a ne process. Six riz of StMch.

London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietorp) by W. Lay, at z53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January I3th, 1886.

for __saiW
Ir,(11 111
I.' N'



JANUARY 20, 1886. I UTJN 23

L i l l 1 1



24 F TUNT JANUARY 20, 1886.

HE GAIETY (afternoon).- Messrs.
Hollingshead and Edwardes have devised
a novel form of amusement for "the
youngsters" during the holidays. It is
not unlike a music-hall entertainment,
I without the pipes and grog; in fact, it is
are too long, and there is not an objec-
'"i tionable feature in it from beginning to
end, Even the characteristic childish-
ness is reduced to a minimum, besides
being excusable under the circumstances.
That the show is to the taste of those for
/-whom it is mainly intended, was amply
testified by the silvery laughter constantly
tinkling from various parts of the not
THE GAIETV.-NOT Two MACS, overfilled house, on the occasion of the
BUT JUST MACS ENOUGH. first performance of these "Pantomimic
afternoons," as the management have named them.

BUT there is more than the average amount of amusement even for
"oldsters," and I am personally indebted to the Two Macs," in a
portion of their "assault and battery" act, for the heartiest, healthiest,
and most soul-satisfying laugh I have enjoyed for years. I don't think
much of their abusive banter of each other, nor is the humour of a
vigorous and oft-repeated slap on a bald head of an altogether intellectual
order; but their knockabout business is both expert and funny, and
their burlesque tumbling would make an anchorite roar, and reduce a
dyspeptic to helpless cries for mercy.

FROM the large share of the programme they occupy, the Boissets
would appear to be the Boissets of the show. They are worthy of the
position, however. They open the ball with a not too intelligible
pantomimicc scene," called Melomania, in which a good deal of
knockabout agility is displayed, in connection with suddenly collapsing
stairs, a practicable piano, a "mysterious" cabinet, and other such
matters, familiar and otherwise, and which finishes with an "acrobatic
quadrille," distinguished by the remarkable "somersaulting" of an
individual dressed as a young lady. The next arrivals are a very curly
young man in evening dress, two youngsters in slightly exaggerated
versions of the same, and an incongruous young girl (apparently), in
fancy costume. These are "The Avolo Boys" (sounds like some kind
of Irish rebels 1), who give us a rather pretty musical performance, with
noticeable precision and ear on the part of the youngsters, the two lads
afterwards showing some cleverness in a horizontal-bar act.

THEN we have the Boissets in Kriegsfiel, otherwise Hurly Burly,
from the Empire, in which there is also introduced a pretty vivandiere
dance, Miss Sylvia Grey and her perennial skipping-rope, and Sergeant
Simms with his "trained boy soldiers." The "training" of these is
not of a very high order, though; the sole really interesting part of their
performance being the regulation bayonet exercise. The remainder is
merely a series of theatrical ballet-like evolutions, the Sergeant's own
manipulation of a gun taking no higher stand than skilful juggling;
the gentleman's manner with the leader of the orchestra, who didn't
appear to be quite au fait with his bugle calls, is also open to improve-
ment. A
very capital
ment fin- .
ishes up"
with the
Two Macs.,
act referred L
to, and
sends us

with an ex-
strong cast
token of
success, Mr. Joseph Derrick's Plebeians will probably experience no
happier fate than that which has befallen one or two of its imme-
diate predecessors. Reminiscences of an unfortunate piece called
Dust (which, I believe, ran for a week at the Royalty once 1) were

uppermost as the story unfolded itself, and Mr. Groves, as he pro-
ceeded with his over-coloured but undeniably comic portraiture of the
Jew moneylender, must have had frequent reminders of a certain inno-
cently scheming tailor and an afternoon at the Novelty about two
summers ago. After his apparently deliberately chosen method the
author has treated us to the stalest materials, trusting to his ability in
dressing them up for the necessary freshness. The ability is unfortu-
nately not conspicuous on the present occasion, many of the situations
are contrived with ingenuity, but he seems to have been unable to quite
make up his mind whether to give us the "'ercles vein" of deep
tragedy, or the wilder delights of broad farce. The chief defect, how-
ever, and one which affects the whole structure is the strongly emotional
nature of the intercourse between several of the characters on the very
shortest possible acquaintanceship. This causes some really good work
of Mr. Lestocq's as a sort of amateur Jaikes (not that Jaikes was by
any means an original character), and some exquisitely tender acting of
Miss Kate Rorke, to go for little more than bathos and over-acting.
The first act is dull as well, but the third has a fair backbone, and might
even save the piece, though I doubt it. Finally, clever actor as he is,
in his proper place, Mr. Thorne would have improved the chances of
the piece had he placed the part'he himself plays in more appropriate
MR. FRED, THORNE gives us a capitally humorous bit of character.
When he puts on
that comically sa-
tirical expression of '. "
his-rolls his eyes,. i i.
screws up his i "*
mouth, and sticks
himself out until
his braces show,
he is simply irre-
sistible. Mr. Fuller i I
Mellish's b o y is -S
very good and
characteristic, and
M e s s r s. Akhurst
and Grove (though
the latter's is a
played-out style of
too. As for the
ladies, Mr. Thorne has positively lavished female loveliness upon this piece.
Pretty and clever Miss Phillips vies with clever and pretty Miss Millett,
and each in turn does little less than hold her own with the dainty Miss
Kate Rorke. Ah, Miss Rorke-beauty and talent both I Yours
should, indeed, be "a happy lot;" how many of us (including the
writer of these lines) have neither I
NODS AND WINKS.-They say there is an intention of playing The
Magic Flute at the Empire; perhaps, by thus having recourse to the
supernatural, they may succeed in attracting audiences in that un-
fortunate building at last.-Mrs. Langtry opens at the Prince's on the
3oth, with Mr. Coghlan's new piece.-The Magistrate has passed its
three hundredth representation, and still sits in his own Court.-Messrs,
Wilson Barrett and H. A. Jones's new drama will treat of the period of
the Cavaliers and Roundheads, it is reported. Cavillers and Deadheads
is the spirited and appropriate title (for the first night, at any rate)
suggested by the ingenious NESTOR.

New Leaves.
FROM San Francisco we have the Christmas Number of the News
Letter. In addition to the enlarged attractions of its literary matter
it has many excellent examples of art in varied styles of reproduc-
tion which have, no doubt, met the approbation they deserve.-We
also have the Christmas Number of The Chicago News Letter which,
over and above its other "pleasing points," gives the public a splendid
print (in Photo-Gravure) of The Star of the 'Ballet "-sufficient in
itself to "star" the number.- The Century and St. Nicholas are
this month overflowing with works of most delicious character, too
numerous and too equal to single out for special commendation.
-In reading Knowledge we ascend to the contemplation of the
"higher things."-In the 26th Part of Parodies, which finishes with
Goldsmith,' and gives Campbell," we have an intellectual treat.-
The Musical World in commencing its 64th Vol. makes a new de-
parture under new management which should make its future appearance
more welcome in the world of music.-In The Ladies' Gazette of
Fashion there is a fine, portrait of Lord Tennyson (? a ladies' man).
The backward projections of ladies' dresses are carried to a point sug-
gestive of riding saddles.-The costumes in Le Follet have not advanced
so far backwards, and don't look quite so "forward."

JANUARY 20, 1886, 2



L "J. f,"

Mr. S., going out to dinner, thinks an After an uneventful journey, Makes his debal. Takes in to dinner his charming cousin,
eye-glass becoming.

Who is voracious as to soup. Spyffyns gets it from the sideboard, It is discovered. Scorn and indignation. His eye next morning; after all
and drops the eye-glass in it. his efforts to fascinate, too.

CONVERSATIONS FOR. THE TIMES. JONES. Telegraph wires? Oh, they're nothing. It's the splintered
glass I'm talking about-the great pieces which fly unexpectedly at your
THE JO YOUS WEST-EN D. head when you pass a shop just when the burglars happen to be engaged
I.-THE WELL-KNOWN DRESS, on the windows with a battering-ram, you know. There-there's half a
JONES. But, my dear boy, surely you're not going out at this time of ton of plate-glass just come down on the steel point of my armoured
night in that get up ? umbrella! I Pretty look-out it would have been for me if I hadn't had
BROWN. What "get up ? Am I not dressed in my ordinary every- it up. Now there are a lot of great fragments flying at us from the other
day clothes ? side of the way. Look out-there I nearly had your head off, by Jove!

BRoWN. But this Bt a proper suit. What's the matter with it ? OWen W'sm told Hei reat my lodgfgsr come u o I can eive yom a
JONES. Of course-that's exactly it. Bless my soul, you would at- Ba OWN. What's this great gang of rough-looking fellows coming
tract a nice lot of attention I So peculiar I Why, rI if you were to along? What tremendous implements they seem to have in that cart?
go out respectably dressed like that, goodness knows what would JONES. Oh, yes; it's only a gang of burglars on an extra big job-
happen u 1esho 'tably srpised lik the, golces toknyous uhad woud some large jeweller's in Bond Street or Regent Street that they are going
really couldn't blame them, because they aren't used to it, y'kup; to break into. I suppose the plate-glass or the safe is unusually stub-
Haven't you a proper suit? now- born. Their work needs a lot ot heavy plant, you see-comes very
BROWN. But this is a proper suit. What's the matter with it? expensive, I'm told. Here are my lodgings; come in, I can give you a
JONES. Why, it isn't a burglar's suit; and a person not dressed as a shake-down.
burglar, walking about the streets at night streets at night just at present might well be III.THE NOISE.
suspected of having some kind or other of evil business on hand-per- BROWN. But I say, Jones. I thought you said your lodgings were
haps be taken for a Nihilist. Do, for goodness' sake, let's take a cab to quiet. Why, there's such a frightful row I can't get to sleep. There I
the costumier's and get you made up as a burglar. There, Whats that tremendous banging and crashing?
that's better; now we'll take a stroll if you like. Now, you perceive, JONES. E wal Oh, th t's nothing. Probably some burglars breaking
the policemen don't appear to observe your approach at all. They don't through the wall of he shop below; it's a goldsmith's, y'know. You'll
seem to be aware of your existence. Ah, yes l-there's one observing 'soon get used to that sort of noise.
you rather attentively over there ; he seems to have a doubt about your BROWN. And now there's a confounded horn blowing I
being a real burglar : just make a low sort of grimace, and whisper JONES. Oh !-ah -yes; that's a signal to the fellows of some gang
hoarsely about cracking a crib or something. That's it ; now his or other to stand out of the way, as they're just going to fire a blasting-
suspicionsely abore lulled, you see charge under a safe or an iron door. You'd better hold on to the bed-
stead, by the way, as the shock may send you flying out. There it is-
II.-A GREATER DANGER STILL, good old bang, wasn't it ? That's nothing to what it is sometimes.
JONES. Well, but, Brown, my dear fellow, you don't mean to walk You should have been here when they were blowing up the vaults of the
about the streets at this time o' night dressed like that? bank opposite. By jingo I-it sent the bed, with me in it, bodily
BROWN. What's the matter iow? I have a burglar's suit and make through the wall into the next room; but they used tremendous charges
up, haven't I ? I thought you said that was all ri- for that job. I heard that a policeman who happened to be standing
JONES. Oh, yes; the suit's all right as far as it goes; but where's in front of the bank, engaged in composing some verses, was carried
your helmet and your armour-plated umbrella ? You must know how away right on to the dome of St. Paul's. Fancy that 1
dangerous the streets are just now. _
BROWN. Oh, ah l-the telegraph wires breaking, you mean, and so
forth? A GRATE truth is a law of nature.-O. E. POTTS.

[IN the matter of a summons applied for by the proprietor of a restaurant against a gentleman for smashing a pane of glass, the gentleman explained that he could
get no rest, as the noise occasioned by plaintiffs putting in a new stove continued until four in the morning, his remonstrances on the subject being disregarded. The
summons was refused.]

There were three little men to whom rest was a necessity. No. i was an No. 2 was a Prime Minister: the fate of the country depended on his being
invalid "You may live if you get a good night's rest," said the doctor. fresh that next morning.

No. 3 was an Eminent Scientfst: the abolition of cholera hung on his next At our in the morning they met on the landing. What is this knocking
day's experiments. that won't let us sleep?" they said.

And they west to speak to the owner of the noise-nay, to kill him. But the poor man was very reasonable. "Look here," he said, "I keep a restaurant. If I
had this job done in the daytime I should make five pounds less. What is the importance of a mere human life, and the fate of the country and the stamping out of
the plague, when compared with my profits?" The three grumblers could not be blind to such reasoning; they decided that their trivial affairs ought to go by the

1- UN.-JANUARY 20, i886. 1



nter.-THE MISSUS!!



28 TU N JANUARY 20, 1886.

HUMOUR in all other bosoms should
They foster it still in the City Police;
If true jocularity threatens to fly,
T The Alderman ne'er will allow it to die !

It was an old gentleman, looking quite
/ He ups and he mutters, I wonder what
next? "
He took off his beaver for cooling his
And, getting excited, he added, "What
now "
'Twas two pairs of flower girls plying
their trade,
Old England was free, and they weren't afrai
And ever their pow'rs of persuasion they'd try,
For sometimes a party (who wished it) might buy.
For England is free, as you know very well,
And parties may purchase, and parties may sell;
And parties may barter, though (rightly, we feel),
No party whatever's permitted to steal.
It was a stiff constable "clumpetting" by-
And, oh I his expression was roguish and sly I-
And he chuckled right up to the roots of his curls,
When he spotted those "booky and "button-hole" girls.
But they worked for their profits (which weren't too large),
Till he ups and he comes and he takes them in charge!
And I thought that his sniggering never would cease,
For it was such a joke-for the City Police.
They were pretty "done up at the time they were took,
And the weather was chill, and they shivered and shook
As they stood in a woebegone group in the dock,
Till that constable's chuckles endangered his stock;
And the Alderman, entering into the fun,
Indulged in a quaint horticultural pun ;
He called them a "bunch" (which was funny, I own),
And further observed that they seemed to be "blown."
He showed himself very amusing indeed,
By saying he thought they were "running to seed; "
Convulsing the crowd, by declaring he thought
Before Mr. Flowers" they should have been brought,
In fact his remarks, at these females' expense,
Abounded in humour, good feeling, and sense ;
And up to the full did these qualities shine,
When he said he would trouble them each for a fine.
And then, when they whimpered, and hastened to say
They'd none of them got any money to pay,
With laughter he buried his head on his lap--
For it was such a joke-for the Alderman chap.
But that elderly gent, I regret to remark,
Refused to consider it much of a lark;
He called it as blandly self-satisfied, mean,
And mountebank dulness, as ever he'd seen I
Of course there's no need of an argument strong
To prove that old gentleman quite in the wrong;
A pretty condition of things you'd provoke
If a bobby or Alderman can't have his joke I
It lightens a constable's labours to grin
And run a few shivering flower girls in;
And an Alderman's bosom it gratefully cheers
To jest with a prisoner's palpable fears.
So what if that gentleman up and abused
And said, if they felt that they must be amused
(Of nice, pretty kind of expression to say !)
It ought to be done in a suitable way ?
That "bobbies" like that should enjoy on their beats
A top, and a hoop, and a packet of sweets;
And similar Aldeimen should (of all things!)
Be amply provided with corals and rings.
He didn't gain much by this bitter attack,
They gave him six months' with the thumb-screw and rack
So less of that gent for the present you'll see
(Which gent, I'd explain, is no other than me).

A SENTENTIOUS old gentleman says, "One can hardly wonder at
professional beauties trying to make hay while the sun shines, when one
knows they have been religiously taught
from their earliest youth to regard all
flesh as grass."
AT the forthcoming Colonial Exhibi-
tion monkey cooked in various ways,
and served by young Creole waitrses,
is to be a great feature. Yet no blandish-
ments the prettiest Creole damsel could
bestow, with a view to induce us to eat
monkey, would have the slightest
effect. We protest against monkey
as food, whether he be roasted, boiled,
grilled, broiled, fried, hashed, baked, /
potted, minced, jugged, or curried.
We would nearly as soon eat a slice of Hibernian peasant as monkey.

A FRIEND who has just returned from the States says it is a strange
characteristic of Americans that while they are intensely averse to
hanging women they seem to be inordinately fond of shooting them.

THERE is a time when the most snow-loving man crowds down on
snow. It comes when the newly-engaged maid-servant pops on a
newly-bought pair of the snow-loving man's patent leather boots, and
ambles about on the doorstep in them to clear off frozen matter.
DONKEYS proverbially prefer thistles to corn, which seems bad taste,
but we have never heard of one of these eccentric animals indulging in
stones in preference to grain. It has been left for a horse to develop,
in quadrupeds, this idiosyncrasy regarding food. We learn that a
veterinary surgeonri has found a triangular-shaped stone in the stomach
of a cart-horse owned by millers at Totnes. Yes I the irregular horse,
the deranged stomach and the solid, slaying stone, were one and all the
property of corn-grinders. Think of the rich wheaten diet that horse might
have thrived and waxed fat on, had he chosen. Why had he been an
immoral animal he could have filched enough grain to have fed half-a-
dozen gee-gees. But, no I the animal was a sour ascetic party who had
a mad crank for cheap plain feeding and honesty- and it killed him.
HORSEs in Paris, as a rule, do not attain the venerable age of horses
in London. This may be accounted for by the fact that the lives of
Parisian gee-gees are so frequently insured.
ONE of the terrible Mannlicker repeating rifles, with which thirty
shots per minute can be fired, and which is intended to be the future
weapon of the Austrian army has been stolen from an Austrian arsenal,
and sold to the agent of some other government. The utmost secrecy
concerning this wonderful gun has been observed hitherto-this rifle
that bangs every other in the world. Wonder whether the cribbed
weapon in question has found its way to London yet? The report that
Lady W- found a mysterious-looking firearm in our only General's"
trunk, on his return from his trip ong continong, has not been officially
AN expert considers the reason the bayonets and swords used by our
troops in the Soudan bent up and broke to pieces so easily is to be
accounted for by the changes of temperature. It seems that those con-
foundedly obstinate Arabs would not regulate the temperature of their
coarse bodies so as to suit the sensitive English "steel 1"
THE number of cases of police perjury and persecution is alarmingly
on the increase. We are anxious to know whether the constables who
have brought unfounded charges against various people in the Metro-
politan district lately, still remain as active workers in the police force ?
They are justly entitled to a holiday-in gaol.

A POLISH JEW grocer and his wife were excessively religious, and
each Friday, being a holy day, they would do no manner of work on it.
One holy, but fatal Friday morn, as they were in the act of praying, an
accident happened to the pipe of their gas-stove, which caused an
immense escape of gas. As repairing the pipe would have necessitated
their ceasing to pray for the time being, and working; they calmly
remained on their knees until the gas choked them. The neighbours
rushed just in time to hear the dying woman's explanation of the
catastrophe. Before she shuffled off this mortal coil, she informed her
hearers that, as the gas suffocated them, visions of demons adulterating
coffee and sanding sugar whirled through her brain, and that her
husband's last words were, Hide those scales sharp, wife; the Inspector
of False Weights is coming down the street."


JANUARY 20, I886. FU N.

A National Anthem.
[The Queen will open Parliament on the eist.]
SOON will our gracious Queen
In town again be seen-
Our long-lost Queen;
Let us be glorious,
Yea, quite laborious
With mirth uproarious
To-oo-oo greet our Queen I
Thus will Victoria Reg.
Give us this privilege
Too seldom seen.
For she (oh, great event 1)
Hath stated her intent
To o-o-open Parliament-
O-o-oh I gracious Queen I
FUN, who, as heretofore,
Loyal is to the core-
Shows joyful mien.
Soon where they frame our laws,
(Where, oft without a cause,
Many a Member "jaws")
We shall see our Queen I
Hail, then, with all your pow'r,
That joyous brief half-hour,
When she'll be seen !
Thanks to our politics
(Which, through our M.P.s' tricks,
Often are in a fix)
We-e shall see our Queen I

Old Pe(e)l-ion.
[A correspondent in a daily paper hopes that, among the Bills to be
presented to the'new Parliament, will be one rendering the throwing of
orange-peel on the pavement a penal offence.]
WE beg to say that we endorse this view,
We'd like to see blue peelers charge a few
Mad orange-peelers, so that they might feel
The treadmill take the place of mere ap-peel.

THARE are one hundred wais of doing a thing-one write
and ninety-nine rong.-O. E. POTTS.


The Masher's Inspiration.
-=-rv IT was a masher chappie,
E AY And it wasn't any joke,
YWi Y, w He was very far from happy,
DA And comparatively broke;
ys^ r He'd a grimly rising pecker,
Which he couldn't well
For the state of his exchequer,
Was exactly as I say.
Then the falling snow which
Chilled him,
Falling heavily and thick,
As he watched it, nearly killed
Turned him giddy, green,
and sick;
And his face had lost its
And excitedly he darted
For a shovel and a broom.
If you want an explanation
Of his sudden joy and zest,
He got cash and occupation,
By-the picture tells the rest,

A WORTHY M.P. opines that "politics should be the study of human
happiness." So they should; but they much more nearly resemble the
study of mendacity, dishonesty, and human gullibility.

A Carol for the Corpulent.
[An eminent civil engineer has written to the papers to say that he was cured of
excessive corpulence by a diet consisting exclusively of large quantities of meat and
hot water.]
THOSE readers of FUN who are prone to rotundity
Hereby are asked to observe the advice
Which a "sufferer" gives, with a deal of profundity,
Touching a diet more novel than nice.
If you are podgy, and long to be thin again,
Follow this glorious, gratis "receipt;"
The pleasures of leanness you quickly may win again
If you go in for hot water and meat I
Three and a half up to five pints per day you should
Swallow of water exceedingly hot,
And large chunks of very lean meat put away you should,
Therefore keep joints of the same on the spot.
See that the tea-kettle's always in readiness,
If you'd Obesity's Ogre defeat,
And follow the menu with patience and steadiness,
Give yourself up to hot water and meat I
Perhaps you are oft in "hot water" (this writer is,
Say when he wanders home late, entire nous),
But plain on this point our prescription-inditer is-
The hot water, mind you, must all be in you.
Then come all ye fat folk, imbibe in large quantities
Water all steaming (and mind that it's neat);
Come, drink to this scheme (the true end to a want it is),
Shout Hip, hurrah !" for hot water and meat I

MR. H. W. Lucy is the new editor of the Daily News, and even
many of those who do not consider him as exactly match-less, regard
him as the very Lucy-for the place.


30 :F

M11E1X im

Aggressive Beggar.-" PARDING, GUV'NER. 'AvE YER A PIPE OF
Generous Party.-" No, I HAIN'T; BUT 'AVE A PENNY SMOKE I

UJ j. JANUARY 20, 1886.

"Bound" to Pay.
[The Lancet states that a London binder recently
bound a book in human skin.]
WE'RE told Imperial Coesar may,
When dead and changed to dull cold clay,
Yet serve to keep the wind away
From spots too airy.
And now for other use we find
We're fit, when we have left behind
This mortal coil; we then may bind
A whole library.
How cheering to the pensive-soul'd
To know that when their frames are cold,
Their epidermis yet may hold
Joe Miller's screamers.
While little Binks, whose lively chaff
Has never failed to raise a laugh,
May bind (some might say, bind in calf)
Dull drowsy dreamers.
We wonder if a pauper's hide
Would rest content if put outside
What ne'er were his until he died-
A Mint of Money."
And if an old maid's skin should cover
What she found not in life-a Lover
(Her ghost, we're sure, would round it hover),
'Twere vastly funny.
And, reader, should ambition swell
Your bosom, and you'd wish to dwell
'Mongst men, bequeath your cuticle
To the bookbinder.
You thus may be at (t)home, and near
Those (s)kindred hearts who hold you dear,
.Who, to preserve your memory here,
'11 have this reminder.

Why, Shoe-rly.
[The Lancet is of opinion that children would be better in health if
allowed to go barefoot.]
ALAS what boots it that some parents try
To keep their little ones well-shod and dry?
'Twould seem that such endeavours are but fruitless.
The Lancet holds that children everywhere
From boots should be quite free; and so our care
Has therefore been (as children should be) boot-less I

JANUARY I2.-Once more Big Ben booms out the Parliamentary
time of day. Forest of
Dean Blake covers him-
self with immortal glory
as the first Member of
Queen Victoria's eleventh
Parliament to turn up. By
two o'clock all there, some
of them very much "all
there." John Bright comes
down in a growler, and
Artful Joe and Harcourt
go halves in a hansom by
way of signifying they
mean to be Cabinet Minis-
ters again. Lots of new
faces present, and old ones
Meantime Lord Hals-
bury, looking very like
Punch, has squatted on
the Woolsack. Commons
S"called to the Bar" (though
quite enough of them have
been through that ordeal
elsewhere; in fact, new
Legislature just a little too
legal), and ordered to appoint "suitable person as Speaker.
Hands all round," or rather "all up," for Peel, except, of course,
the Irish, who object to this form of re-Peel. Tories make up for breach
of etiquette in opposing Speaker at Warwick by putting up Oxford

University Mowbray to propose him, so that his own Alma Mater
leads him to seat of honour. True, Biggar objects to tribute to Speaker's
courtesy; but then, in matters of courtesy, J. B. so real jam par-
Tuesday.-The Bradlaugh question, so long a curse, settled by
Charles being sworn. In spite of Churchill and Co., Northampton's
elect squeezes through the door of the House, forcing even the New-

Honour Where Honour is Due.
IT seems from the papers that the Knighthood of the Legion of
Honour of France, and the Knighthood of the Royal Portuguese Ordei
of Villa Vicoza, have been awarded to Messrs. John Brinsmead & Sons
for their celebrated pianofortes. Considering that they had previously
received twenty-eight highest awards, gold medals, academical honours,
European court appointments, &c., we should think they must be
rather tired of "decorations." This firm is in the proud position of
having an aggregation of distinction never conferred upon any other
pianoforte maker, which shows that, with Messrs. Brinsmead, it is not
a case of medal and muddle. There is a well-known saying at whist,
" honours are easy," but we are sure such honours as these are any-
thing but easy-to obtain.

A Crew(e)de Effort.
[Mr. Parnell was unable to preside at the Convention of Irish Nationalist Members.
held in Dublin the other day, because he lost the train at Crewe].
How Crew(e)-el of that Irish train 1
What could the Uncrowned Monarch do,
When he had gone thus far in vain,
And couldn't meet his precious Crew(e) ?

JANUARY 20, I886. TN. 3 I


" Well, you d better get in. I ve got yer parcel. I

"Here's yer parcel

"Parcel all right? Mind yer new-laid eges don't "Well, good-bye. I shall see ye Toosday.
get mixed up with yer clean shirts !" Hope yer parcel won't come undone !"

"Where are ye going to put yer parcel?"

" Don't forget yer parcel !"

Woeful Weapons.
[See accounts in daily papers of the defective bayonets and swords supplied to the
FOR the gallant British Army an affection great have we,
But not because it fights the foe in lands beyond the sea,
And not because our nation it is able to defend,
Not because upon its valour England always can depend.
But we love it, yea, adore it,
And we humbly bow before it,
Because we sell it swords that snap and bayonets that bend !
"But what about our men," you say, when grappling with the foe ?
What chance have they of self-defence when weapons serve them so ?
Pray, are their gallant lives to be thus sacrificed by you
Who sell them swords and bayonets that bend or break in two ?"
All we say to this is, Gammon I
We are worshippers of Mammon,
And what are England's lives and fame with such as us to do ?"
'Twas in the sad Soudan last year, these weapons bent or broke,
Yet, look you, the "authorities were long ere they awoke;
But now, at last, at Aldershot, the tests go on apace
With results which (as we must confess) are really a disgrace.
Still we who have provided
These weapons (now derided
As being soft as putty) of remorse show not a trace !
Whole regiments of bayonets are bending neathh the test,
And lofty indignation Press and Public have expressed.
One print suggests that those by whom these toys were made and passed,
Should all be hanged I How wicked, that man's vengeance thus should
last I

Why should we thus bear detraction
For a little sharp transaction ?
What are British blood and honour when your profits may be vast ?
We shan't be brought to justice, as you, FUN, would like, no doubt,*
Our base ill-gotten profits we shall therefore not fork out.
And so we have no grief for risking lives-no, not a jot-
While the safety of the Empire is a thing that moves us not.
Bah I no repentance quells us,
Though everybody tells us
That we all should be court-martialled-and then hanged, or drowned,
or shot 1
[' We should, indeed.-ED.]

POLTWATTLi would be glad to know whether the hoppers of Kent
who had votes can be fairly called hop-pole-iticians ? Pray pardon the
political Poltwattle this pertinent problem.
Poltwattle sees several elements in the construction of the new Parlia-
ment that he doesn't like; but the most objectionable is the Parn-

ONE not unfrequently hears the remark that "newly-married couples
should pull together." We presume this "pulling" does not refer to
testing the strength of each other's hair ?

"JACK ANDJILL'S 5 : 5: o Diophantine Competition is indeed f7our-
nalistic Novelty. Every copy has a Distinctive Number in Red on the Front
Page. The arithmetical problem is as easy as AB C. Everyone should compete.

Wg To CoaRiRSPowuDTS.--Tk* Edietr ds mt bid himselfto ackhnolki, reurn, w ojy ft Contriutiom. In ucan wll Sky 1 ratstuwd Msleu
owoegjid by a stamped mad dWifctd venaoMe.


THE House is ready set, the scene within
Instinct with animation, and the guests
In crowded ranks are standing all prepared
For the beginning of the revelry,
When One of stately, though of gracious, mien
Presents herself, unlook'd-for at the door.
" Madam, what name ? enquires the janitor.
" How, Robert, can it be thou dost not know? "
" Madam, I doubtless ought to bring to mind
Thy face, but-" Yea, for I have opened
The ball full oft in days that are no more."
" Methinks, good Madam, I remember now ;
Your pardon, but 'twas many a year ago."
And so the stranger enters, and the guests,
As duty binds, conduct with loud acclaim
Their Mistress of the Revels to her place
Of honour in the forefront of them all.
Thrice welcome, Lady, to this hall again,

From which thou hast remained away too long !
Welcome again, thrice welcome in our midst;
Nor may'st thou tarry more apart from us
While there are deeds of import to be done,
Lest we forget thy much-loved lineaments
And turn to blame the Idles of the Queen.
To My Old Hat.
0 HAT I protector of the head,
Although thy life hath nearly fled,
Thou art beyond the block.
Thy brim, alas I is limp and slack-
Thy walls are anything but black;
Thy crown's received a shock !
No man, no hatter in the West-
Not even though he did his best-
Could make thee fit to wear.
I purchased thee-ah, me I-I know I
Now let me see-how long ago ?
By jingo I it's a year I



Still canst thou brave a stormy gale,
A fall of snow, of rain, or hail;
That ought to be enough.
It grieves my heart unto the core
To think I cannot wear thee more-
That Fate on thee is rough.
To part with thee-to bid adieu!-
For one whose shape is neat and new,
Would, faith I my feelings hurt.
I knew thee without blame or spot-
I see thee now, but know thee not I-
Thou art not what thou wert.

Floral Fictions.
THE Arum stands for Ardour-so we read
In flower language; but, as this we're reading,
We fancy that, if this be true, indeed,
To seek for Ardour were A-"rum" pro-


ASK u A; Cadbury's
surface to the grate, and
for cleanliness and econ-
omy excels all others."-| CAUTION .-If o
Vid Lady's Pictorial. '1 Cocoa thickens in the

BLACK LEAD taddiCtio ofco
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 2oth, 1886.

JANUARY 27, 1886. UN 33

jiH e &..A s A 81yme ke -J6onr~e, 4s flPe &
zza. "12e eoi:(ZzP., 6& et kayLi6 L ___

non.- mo1r,covoc 'ems krou 'e. r

l- vaqeve KOJerrn v e'

VOLo). XU-NO a i c 4,. .

34 I JI JANUARY 27, i886.

SLASHES AND PUFFS. Mr. Bridgeman chose a subject, unfortunately, for which the smartest of
HE HAYMARKET. In Room dialogue was almost a sine quf non, without showing much readiness in
SNo. 7o, Mr. Percy Fitzgerald has supplying it. The piece bad all the advantages accruing from the
furbished up and remodelled a pleasing presence and vivacious manner of Miss Bessie Sanson; but it
comical Christmas story (presu- is a question whether it did not suffer in an equal ratio for her lapses of
mably his own), which appeared, memory. I wish Mr. Bridgeman better luck next time ; and he has
many is the year agone (it sees to ability enough to get it, I think, if he pulls himself together.
me), in London Society. It was
called How I lostmy Whiskers, and THE ROYALTY.-After beating about the bush with a number of
though it is a beard in the farce and revivals (most of them good enough in their way, and surprisingly well
he doesn't lose it, and there is no ac'ed, when the disadvantages of the "stock company" system are
suggestion of suicide in the story, considered), M. Mayer has at length given us a piece red hot from the
one is as funny as the other-which Boulevards, the original exponents of the two principal parts and all.
is quite funny enough, and some- It looks, moreover, as if it meant to run, in spite of him ; and there is
thing of a novelty now-a-days. The quite a refreshing change in the aspect of "the front of the house,"
names of a number of ladies and which I hope will make up to M. Mayer for the public's previous, though
gentlemen are down in the pro- undeserved, neglect.
gramme as playing the piece, but
as they are given in a group, after THE time-honoured theme of the Palais Royal school of drama-the
the manner of the Lotties and bored or neglected husband seeking relief abroad in risky pleasures, his
Totties of opera bouffe choruses, being caught,-out, and the mutual repentance of the marital pair-is all
S .and not apportioned to the parts that the new piece, La Doctoresse, has to give us. The sketch of the
represented, the information con- menage of the doctoress and her husband has a touch of originality
THE JUDGK TAKES HIS SEAT. veyed is of doubtful value. Three though, and is very funnily worked out. The whole thing is quite funny
prominent characters are excel- enough, in fact, to keep you: laughing as long as you can follow the
lently played, too. language without getting out of your
depth, and then you may go on I'
Nad/ezda is said to be really working into a success here, by-the- laughing without much fear of detec-
way, but, for the credit of British audiences, I don't think it-besides tion-there's pretty sure to be some-
what's this about Miss Helen Barry and Mr. B. C. Stephenson's thing comical to justify you.
Woman of the World that is being talked about? To say nothing of
Green Cloth, a play on a good basis apparently, by Mr. A. W. THERE is no doubt that the piece I
Dubourg (part author of New Men and Old Acres). owes a great deal to the droll and
-- spirited acting of Mile. Magnier in
THE HOLIIORN.-Mrs. Weldon, in the humorous, semi-autobio- her scene with M. Noblet; both
graphical work, Not Alone, with which she amused the most inex- artists were irresistibly comical, and
perienced at the Grand, a little while ago, is now appearing here, with throughout there is a sort of untiring K
palpable satisfaction to herself, and more or less pleasure to her audience, readiness of comic resource about
It is not probable that they care much about the caricature of Lunacy the lady, and she only seems to pale
Law procedure she presents; it has been often (and generally better) in the last act, where some change >
carried away by the autobiography, or the story of a youthful heroine subtle artist. She is mighty pretty,
matronly in figure and grizzled of hair; but the lady is a celebrity (or and wears nice clothes. Of the -I
notoriety), and, to very many people, the satisfaction of gazing upon stock company, M. Bahier, who '
her is large, while one talent that she possesses, singing, is capable of has the best chance, makes the best /
affording legitimate pleasure in no mean degree-in other words, Mrs. show, but I cannot congratulate -
Weldon has a beautiful voice, which she knows how to use. Whether either M. or Mile. Ricquier or --
she can act or no remains to be seen at a time when she appears in a Mile. Spinoy on their use of oppor-
piece less personal, and with more pretensions to dramatic art in its tunities for giving bits of English THE HAYMARKET.-WE DON'T THINK
concoction. Mr. Clifford has improved the conception of his part, and character. Mile. Ricquier comes T'D D-ANSWEE.
Miss Bowering is still as artistically funny as at first. nearest the mark, but Mile. Spinoy
is probably disconcerted by being labelled with such a name as Lovely,
THE GAIETY.-As a first work, if on no other grounds, Mr. a name provocative of unpleasant comparisons. Mile. Marie Pinson
shows her usual smartness.
'NODS AND WINKs.-A right pleasant gathering was Mr. Harris's
"Bachelor at Home," on the 17th inst. ; but, as it was a private party,
perhaps I am not justified in saying more than that Mr. Harris proves
4 'I himself as genial and thoughtful as a host, as he is enterprising, and
j.... ,successful as a manager.-Among the plays, and rumours of plays,
..: whispered as about to take the place of Nadjezda, was Charles Reade's
Countess and Dancer, with Mile. Etelka Borry in the principal part.
Il"j)r As this lady is a trifle more troubled with an accent than Miss Rigl, the
S' ', wisdom of the choice is not apparent; besides, Messrs. Russell and
Bashford are surely not so hard hit that they need abandon the theatre, and
Turn to ar-Borry-ciulture I-Wednesday morning performances (of which
the first takes place to-day) are in contemplation at the Strand; at which,
S';Miss Minnie Palmer proposes to appear in The Ring and the Keeper (a
'41'/,".'' '-' ', piece not unlike Checkmate), and The Little Treasure. Other like pieces,
-T mainly by Planchl, are likely to follow, if the idea takes at all; I should
.. J ,-- think the arrangement would be some relief after so many centuries of
S I My Sweetheart.-Round the World in Eighty Ddas is to be the next try
S'at the Empire ; it is undoubtedly the sort of thing to do, if they can only
.- fill the house; but that's where the difficulty comes in. If only the
".' .> people would come in, too I However, I wish them luck, and would be
glad to help them to it if I knew how.-They tell me there has nothing
PANTO1MIME IN THE ASCENDANT. more delightfully piquant been seen lately than the performance of Miss
TRAGEDIAN (out of work).-" I SKEYORN AND DESPISE YE! BUT, NO MATTER, A Money's in Dryden's Secret Love, at the Court, the other afternoon. I
TIME Will COME-" regret having missed it, but, alas, the sight was denied this unfortunate
Cunningham Bridgeman's adaptation, Under Cover, merits attention, in P.S.-They don't seem to have quite made up their minds at the
spite of its doomed (or perhaps already accomplished) departure from Haymarket yet; Miss Helen Barry is to make her appearance in The
the bill in favour of Mr. C. Salaman's new farce, Dimity's Dilemma. Woman of the World at a matinee on Thursday week.

JANUARY 27, I886. T._UJNT. 35

A Rustic Tragedy.
Scene I. A pair of lovers young;
A rival (male) who wags his tongue,
And swears revenge. Three weeks elapse
(It might be four-or five, perhaps).
A village crowd; a village church;
A missing wife; a hunt, a search.
Detectives prying up and down,
The couple traced to London town;
The husband, injured more or less,
Obtains his erring wife's address.
Scene 2. The husband enters ; then
He calls for paper, ink, and pen ;
Removes his hat, likewise his coat,
And writes these words, on cream-laid note :
"My darling wife I My Caroline ?
Since I am yours, and you are mine,
(A fact you seem not to regard,
For, by ye gods 1. you treat me hard.)
To me I trust that you'll come back,
Your injured, though forgiving Jack."
Scene 3. A dirty, dingy room,
Contents,-a pair of boots, a broom,
A table (rickety and old);
Rats and mice, and rags untold.
Before the hearth a musty mat,
Seated thereon a tabby cat;
A chair, a jug, a heap of straw,
A loaf of bread, and-nothing more.
A woman enters, shrieks and calls I
A pistol-shot I The curtain falls.

Roadside Philosophy; or, How
Easy it is to make Proverbs.
ALAs I how little poetry is there in me, and
yet from my point of view I was a beauty in
my time-a croak is the frog's music-a picture,
and now what am I? Even Moses, the old
clothes man, passes me by. I recollect how,
one evening, SHE, my first possessor, came into
the shop; she fancied me-fi st impressions
are always easier to confirm than disprove-she
bought me; no, not then, but the next morn-
ing-you can't shave well by a rush's light-and
had me sent home. Ah I that was a home of
luxury. I took my place amongst forty or fifty
other pairs. How well do I remember the
lavish magnificence of this, my first home I
There's many buy slippers when it's boots they
want, but it wasn't so here; but I held my
head up in the midst of it all. I had no cause
to blush-some others who saw me had though;
paltry, pitiful things they looked beside me.
The flamingo had need blush deep, and so had
they; but I wasn't long there. Happy hours
have eaglet's wings, and it didn't seem long
either ;, and now commenced my journey to
nothingness. Ah I It is a short road that leads
to. nowhere. How I missed my luxurious sur-
roundings in my next place. Where was my
velvet pile ? the world didn't seem to smile on
me now-how soft the world looks from a feather
bed-now I was worn every day; no more fur
wraps and carriage drives. The toe is-the focr
man's coachman, and the heel his footman, and
so I came step by step to the gutter; and even
now it is strange to think there is no one to
take me up. The dunghill is the cock's gold-
mine, but, alas I there is no hope for me; what
can I do ? nothing I Many can crow that can't
sing, but I can do nothing, hope for nothing-
there's no hope for me !

A BIRMINGHAM lady who drank a quart of
neat rum "or more," every day for many
years, has fled to a world of spirits in conse-

SAID Mr. Stork unto his lady-wife, In truth it was a very pretty sight,
(Whom he had wooed and won in early life), And must have filled on-lookers with delight,
" Put on thy fal-de-rals, methinks 'tis time Our artist plainly reckoned it real jam,'
We took our brood to see a pantomime." To see these chickens with their sire and
The lady, nothing loth, was soon arrayed, dam.
And playwards the gay group their way soon And Mr. and Mrs. Stork, and all their suite,
made; Quite fancied they belonged to the Rlite:
The brood, who "favoured" both their parents They meant not to endure the crowd's rude
much, knocks,
Were decked out finely-and behaved as such. And so they purchased a big private box.

Arriving at their box, they sat in state, Apart from bipeds, quadrupeds were there,
As who should say Our rank is very great." Whose acting-talent made our Stork-folk stare;
In fact, these visitors' distingul air, But they were grieved because no birds
Impressed the rest of all the people there, sublime,
The pantomime (for name of which, see Played leading characters in that pantomime.
"ad.") "But," said the manager, when they com-
Made these grand visitors exceeding glad, plained,
For many startling tricks there met their eyes, At your objection I am deeply pained-
And filled them with much wonder and But then, you see, wouldd really be absurd,
surprise. For actors have a horror of the bird.'"


36 IF'TTiN'. JANUARY 27, i886.

It ~ ititt ii'. +ffIriia1 ~^ B i+Sii,,,H, ',I+

Mrs. Gay Sfankinglon (to ones, recently married),-" Now, I WANT YOUR WIFE TO COME OVER AND SEE ME, AND YOU CAN COME

As if I cared anything about processions To see the Houses opened I
The Houses are opened, so are the public-houses, and the workhouses,
or any other house, for all I care. Now, why on earth should I be
amused by seeing a lot of Guardsmen riding by, and nurserymaids
singing out, "Oh! ain't they jest lovely. Charlotte Hann?" No, I
don't care for that "sort of thing. But I did like to see the7Queen'?
I should like to know what the Queen is to me. I can't eat the Queen,
and I can't drink the Queen. She isn't likely to ask me to go and see
her. You would like to see me getting out of a growler, with a Glad-
stone bag and a medicine-box, and asking, "Please is this Balmoral ?
and is the Queen in? "
Perhaps I am not such a fool as I look. I should look well in a
Highland costume. Can I dance the fling? No, I can't. And I have
had my fling. Have I? That's my business, sir. Do I remember any
old opening of Parliament processions? Yes, I do. I remember seeing
old Colin Campbell; I remember seeing Dhuleep Sing when he was
younger and slimmer. He was Dhuleep Singhle then, and he's much
married now ? I simply hate punning, sir. I wish the people who made
puns would pick pockets, so that they might be put on the treadmill.
It was a fine scene inside the House of Lords? I hate the House of
Lords; it always looks to me like a big lounge in a Turkish bath, or a
swell billiard-room with a church roof on it. I should see the Prince of
Battenberg, should I ? If you think that much of a treat, I tell you
most sincerely that I think German princes are all alike to me-as like
as German sausages. Some sausages are thin, some are fat; it's just the
same with the princes. Some German sausages are made of jackass,
are they? Some German princes are so without being made. I don't
see what's the good of any of 'em. We don't live in an ornamental age
in the latter way.
We did away with the lions in the Tower. Let's do away with the
German princes; clear off the whole hypothek, I say. Pack 'emra all
off to their tumble-down old lodging-house barracks of palaces. Give
them a pound of mincemeat a day and an old cornet a piece, and that

ought to make 'em happy. I have read about German princes in the
"-Life of the Prince Consort." A lot of half-crown philosophy and
namby-pamby stuff. Why, a lot of 'em go in goloshes to court presen-
tations, and take off their indiarubbers in the ante-room before going in
to the dukes, and all the rest of it. I used to see 'em at Mayence years
Do I like to see the Gold-Sticks-in-Waiting? What do I care about
gold sticks, or copper sticks, or any other sticks? I'd like to see some
of these laid on the woolsack, and their own sticks laid on them. To
tell you the truth, I hate all the flummery, and always did. Opening
the House, indeed I There are a lot of new members, are there ? I'm
not particularly Conservative, but I don't particularly want to be shaking
hands with marine store-dealers with M.P.s after their names. Yet I
enjoyed it ? I walked through the Horse Guards, sir. A beast of a long
fellow in jackboots trod on my corns. You suppose I shed tears cornu-
copious? Oh, you've done it again I I simply hate it, sir. Did I think
the beefeaters all there? They could have been all elsewhere for what
I cared. Do I think their ruffs make them look like lions? I really
can't stand this kind of thing-I really cannot. Bradlaugh too I Oh,
my I Please pass the soda water and I'll have a little brandy.
__________ DIOGENES TUBBS.

On the War-Traill.
[Mr. H. D. Traill describes the enfranchisement of the agricultural labourer as
"Waters of Ignorance, which have been let loose and have submerged the land."]
THESE views are extreme, and 'tis rather a pity
A writer so smart should have wisdom so small;
These statements of his may be sparkling and witty.
But the Trail(l) of the Tory is over them all.

MR. SWINBURNE describes a certain body (evidently meant to be the
Salvation Army), as Yelling Yahoos." No doubt the Blithe Boothites
well reply, "Yah-oo cares ? "

JANUARY 27, I886. FU N 37

Music-Mad; or, Dulcie's Dilemma.
THERE was a pretty little maid, and she had lovers twain,
Who for her hand and heart had prayed again and eke again;
But Dulcie, though she did not wish to seem at all unkind,
To choose between the two of them could not make up her mind.
For you must understand that she was well-nigh music mad,
The chirping of the sparrows e'en would make her young heart glad ;
And both her lovers sang like larks, and hence the very cause
That ere she her selection made she carefully did pause.
The one a tenor voice possessed, the other a deep bass-
Not bottled Bass by any means, for Regie was no ass;
He knew his vocal powers were far better than his looks,
So to his love he sang all day to get in her good books.
But this a trifle wearying grew, as Archie quickly saw,
And he stepped in and swore that he would stop bass Regie's caw
By raising up his tenor notes in little Dulcie's praise,
Until at length she had to say, "Come on alternate days."
Now, this arrangement smoothly worked just for a month or so,
Upon a Monday Regid went, on Tuesday Archie 'd go;
Thus each a chance had by himself his loving cause to plead,
And Dulcie from their quarrelling about her was quite freed.
But jealousy was rankling in the heart of either man,
And on his "off" day each would ponder o'er some deep-lain plan
To spoil his hated rival's voice,-that was the only way
To gain the maiden, for each saw that song would win the day.
What mattered Regie's Roman nose, or Archie's ditto Greek ?
What cared she if her husband had a pale or rosy cheek ?
Or if his eyes possessed a blue, or brown, or greyish tint,
It would not signify much if he had an awful squint.
She cared not if his figure were as graceful as her own,
Or if he broad and burly were, or only skin and bone;
So long as he her passion for soft music satisfied,
His general appearance she would put quite on one side.
So Regie Archie's slavey bribed one night to damp his bed;
The dext day the poor tedor had a bad cold id his head.
He couldn't sing a single note to please his lady fair,
And so he got his coig/, and was sent off in despair.

But on that very ev'ning Regie to his dwelling strolled,
He passed poor Archie with a look triumphant, proud, and cold,
When Archie turned upon him his mother's garden-hose,
And Regie on the morrow, too, with influenza rose.
Then he his rival's fate did share, for he could no more sing
Than a dyspeptic raven or some such kind of thing.
And Dulcie, by her lovers' colds, quite driven off her head,
For music's sake an organ-grinder did one morning wed.
If ever you a maiden music-mad should chance to woo,
Substitute a barrel-organ for your nasal one. Adoo I

WE were just enjoying our morning cigar, when the door burst open
and a most revolting-looking giant entered without ceremony. Now,
we are used to giants at the FUN Office-not to speak of the giant in-
tellects which swarm among our staff-the Giant's Staff they call it-all
the gigantic blunders of the times come blundering in upon us for adjust-
ment, and the giant frauds for castigation: so we were not much dis-
concerted, despite the overpowering hideousness of this specimen.
"I'm Hydrophobia," it said. "I've been going about a good bit lately.
I just dropped in, as I felt sure that at this hour I should catch you- "

"But we don't want to catch you-that's what we're thinking about,"
we said hurriedly. If you'll kindly sit a little further off--We were
under the impression that you were stamped out by the recent energetic
action of the Commissioners."
Here the giant began to vibrate with laughter to such an extent that
we felt quite anxious for him; for is it not beautifully true that the
descent in our actual presence of sudden and overwhelming calamity,
even upon those whom we loathe and abhor, recalls to our bosom that
sweet and undying sentiment of commiseration without which the
human heart would descend to the level of--? But to proceed.
Ho, ho, ho I Energetic-ho, ho, ho I-action of the-ho, ho, ho "
he yelled. Well, to cut it short, that's the very thing I called about.
I know you collect good jokes. Your English executives of all kinds are
always funny, I know ; you're used to that. But this business about me
-ho, ho I-or rather about the policeman. That's the point I called
about-the butt they make of the policeman. Just come and see-only
take you a minute-well worth your while."
We followed him. At the nearest corner stood P.C. X. i,ooo,ooo;
his eyes were wet with tears; close by stood the Commissioners of
Police and the Law, all-to our very great personal indignation-got up
in cap-and-bells. They were rolling with laughter; they were poking
that poor weeping police constable in the ribs with their jesters' staves,
and hitting him over the head with bladders.
"Now then, Bobby," shouted the Commissioners, "we're going to
stamp out hydrophobia. You've got to do it, you know. Strict orders,
you know I Must be muzzled or led. Hist, Bobby I-here comes a
man with a dog not under control-at him 1"
Then the unfortunate policeman collared the man with the dog, and
charged him.
"Ha, Bobby I What are you up to?" shouted the Law. "How
dare you exceed your duty ? The Act doesn't provide for you to take a
man up for breaking the regulation. I reprimand you; you'll have to
be more careful I" Then there was a great roar of laughter.
"Hi, Bob-here's another one I shouted the Commissioners.; and
the miserable policeman took out a summons against this dog-owner.
What are you thinking about, Bobby ?" shrieked the Law; the
Act doesn't provide for summonses or fines. You'll have to mend your
ways." This was followed by another great roar, and a battering from
the bladders.
"Hil-shish, Bobby I-at 'em, boy I Here's another I"
"What am I to do ? said the policeman piteously.
Oh, we're not going to tell you what to do; we only tell you what
you mustn't do after you've put your foot in it. You'd better-a-
better try if you can catch the dog and impound him. You're not much
handicapped-only an overcoat and heavy boots, and so on. Go it."
And when the unfortunate policeman ran heavily about trying to
capture that dog-a greyhound in training, by the way-the hilarity
reached its climax. When the dog doubled, the policeman generally
went down, while dirty boys pelted him with mud, and jeered. Then
the dirty boys, and the Commissioners, and the Law all dug each other
in the ribs, and danced hand-in-hand round the policeman ; and, as we
left, the policeman was standing weeping, surrounded by a crowd of
unmuzzled dogs who sat and smiled at him, while our friend Hydro-
phobia sounded his war-whoop and careered wildly round the streets,
touching everybody he could overtake. He, he I" he said, as he
passed us; "stamp me out, eh?"

38 FTJl JANUARY 27, 1886.


Our Innocent Friend John Boll will just be reading Lieutenant-Colonel Hope's challenge to the ORDNANCE DEPARTMENT, on the subject of the BAYONET
CRIME, when such a nicely-spoken gentleman will step up and say, Ah I There ought to be exhaustive inquiry about that matter. We'll hold one, and sift the
matter thoroughly." Then, quite by accident, up will step two or three other nice gentlemen (entire strangers to the first gentleman, and to each other), and say,
" Ah I Let us hold an inquiry!"

I I!I~i~iOt5V
I ii&

"We have held the inquiry," they will say, "and we are delighted to report that the whole matter was trumped up, and that no tittle of blame attaches to the
Ordnance Department." And poor John Buil will just be going away highly delighted,


When some one who is up to it will step forward and remark, Ah, yes I Very satisfactory. Only these nicely-spoken gentlemen happen to be the officials and
contractors of the Ordnance Department." But that's all the inquiry there will be, believe us.

IFT .-.-jAkUARY 27, 1886.


40 F UN]. JANUARY 27s 1886.

THE Bayonet Tests point plainly to the fact that our Army and Navy want a thorough overhauling. Strict investigation would perhaps show

And the Jack Tars' nether garments absurdly That the Lord Chamberlain is scandalised at the And that THAT umbrella is not ofregulation
[scanty! short skirts of the Highland Regiments. pattern .

IR, I have
my native
e country I I
have fled
from perse-
cution, in-
and an
Editor who
? will keep
me about a

S breast-p in
he knows I
never sent
him, as well
as I do, and never intended to send him. There is one trait in the
character of my fellow-countrymen that I have, at length, had enough of.
An Englishman (unless he is a sporting prophet) never knows when he
is beaten, and when my tips go wrong, and he has been backing them,
he's apt to call upon me with a thick stick and demand his money back
-as if I ever had it.
Consequently, I have fled my native land--" chucked" it, as I have
said (perhaps, if the truth were known, only just in time to prevent my

native land "chucking me), and I am, at the present moment, bask-
ing in the sunny smiles and desires for straight tips of the daughters of
Nice (and the nieces of brothers, perhaps), where the skies are uncle-
louded, and there aunt any nasty slides to break one's neck upon.
I shall tip over English races,* as well as those occasionally found in
this sunny clime (I am already acquiring considerable power over the
language), but never nearer than Boolone (when I shall always be ready
to execute commissions on as exorbitant terms as I can command) will
I be found in the body. You will probably hear from me next week
Meantime, accept the assurances of my distinguished sneers, and believe
me-Yours, &c., TRorHONIOUS.

And trip over them, too, if I mistake not.-ED.

A Sweeping Statement.
[According to the list of Royal Tradesmen iust published, Her Majesty's chimney-
sweeper is a woman.]
THIS may seem strange-un-soot-able, in fact-
A female-sweeper doth not seem essential;
And yet this sweeperess may be exact-
In any case, her post is in-" flue "-ential.

"JACK ANDJILL'S : 5 : o Diophantine Cometition is indeed Jour-
nalistic Novelty. Every copy has a Distinctive Number in Red on the Front
Page. The arithmeticalfroblem isas easy asA BC. Everyone should compete.

JI ANUARY27, 1886. F U'N '. 41

The Two Joes.
(See Mr. Arch's and Mr. Chamberlain's speeches at the Arch Banquet at
the Criterion.)
"Two Macs there are at
music halls, but here you
see Two Joes,"
Two macs-imum performers
of the Parliamentary
In ground and lofty tumbling
wond'rous talent they pro-
They performed at the Cri-
tenon with wonderful
At top is Joe of Warwickshire
-belowisJoe of"Brum,"
Both clever at their business,
/ ^though their views are
S"guyed" by some;
And, like the Macs, they
both have had their share
/ 7 of "knockabout,"
Not, mind you, from each
other, but from those that
are without.
And in this great Criterion
"act each other they
SEach balancing his partner
in true acrobatic sort ;
Their names are Arch and
Chamberlain-the former
of the pair
Represents the Norfolk peasants, and also the Kingdom's Heir.*
Mr. Arch's principal constituent is the Prince of Wales, owing to H.R.H.'s
property at Sandringham.

THURSDAY, 21st January.-Mirabile dictu! The Queen of England
on England's Throne. Has not Her Majesty studied her ancestor,
Bolingbroke, a little too closely?
By being seldom seen, I could not stir,
But like a comet, I was wondered at."'
Certes, England is as anxious for a Court at St. James as Ireland for
a Parliament on College Green. Scotch guidwives and gillies are very

estimable persons in their respective ways, but we don't like the heart
of "our gracious Queen and Governor" to be too much in the Highlands.
Besides, absentee-ism leads advanced Radicals, sadly deficient in the
bump of veneration, to speculate on possibility of dispensing with Im-
perial presence altogether. Fun, the Queen's own jester, loves Her
Majesty so much, that he would like to see a little more of her.
THE Czar and I have ceased to murmur;
I've smashed Theebaw and taken Burma;
My rule in Ireland shall be firmer.
Land transfer charges shall be mended,
And Local Government extended;
My lords and gents my speech is ended.

FRIDAY. -Adjourned Debate on Address. Parnellites having decided
on chronic opposition, awful squash on Liberal Benches. Lord Randolph
delighted at seeing Harcourt sandwiched between Trevelyan and Cham-
berlain, and repeats invitation to moderate Liberals, to come over and
help us "-if only to fill up. Rumour says Smith off to Dublin; at
present this seems (S)mythical.

SOME sporting Americans are in a high state of glee because a Cali-
fornian girl has run one hundred yards in eleven seconds. Pooh I It's
nothing. We recently saw a damsel cover
the distance in seven and a half, after picking
a gentleman's pocket at the bottom of Regent
into a large telephone connecting his church
with several of the residences of members.
By this means the members are enabled to
digest the sermon with the aid of a cigar and
a cocktail. _
SOME sheep belonging to a wealthy Kentish
gentleman, who objects to rate-paying, were
seized recently in consequence of his refusal
to stump up certain rates. The majority of
folk object strongly to paying rates for a very
simple reason-chronic impecuniosity. But
the rich Kentish gentleman bases his dislike I
to shelling out rates on the ground that His
conscience will not allow him to hand over the money to the collectors."
Perhaps, if the Chairmen of the different Boards waited on him per-
sonally, with uncovered heads and bare feet, he might part with his
money to them quite joyously, and never suffer a single prick of conscience.
THE paupers in Homerton Workhouse have been neglecting their
religious duties. One Sunday 380 of them refused to attend divine
service, on the ground that "They didn't like the way the service was
goed through. There wasn't no interest in it; and they warn't a-goin'
fur to be used just to line the parson's pockets. The line of Christianity
must be drored somewhere 1" A service in which a display of fire-
works and a brass band form prominent features is the only thing that
is likely to induce the Homertonian paupers to sit in church happily.
The Guardians should call in the assistance of the Salvation Army.

A PHILOSOPHICAL son of Gaul writes quite cheerfully on that sore
subject, and never-to-be-forgotten humiliation to Frenchmen -the
Franco-German war. Here is one of his sentences:-" The war of 1871
has resulted in this; while we rid ourselves of our Emperor, Germany
saw one imposed upon her. We after all are the gainers." Many a red
republican Teuton will brush away an alcoholic diamond from his eye
as he reads the Frenchman's words, and sigh "Mein Gott I is there not
truth in what he says ? "
IT is whispered that Her Most Gracious Majesty's jubilee is to be
commemorated by creating every non-commissioned officer in the army
a general, every policeman a justice of the peace, every horse-slaughterer
a member of the Royal College of Surgeons, and every mayor in the
kingdom a knight.
WE suppose Egypt is worth protecting, but British taxpayers have to
pay for the support of 30,000 troops for the protection of that dead-and-
alive country, which is about as useful as a sick horse that sometimes
bites and kicks, but has some little value, in the fact that it may be
sold for cat's-meat.
PRINCE BISMARCK has received the highest Papal decoration.
Strange enough, the Iron Chancellor's letter of thanks to the Pope was
written in the language of the race he hates-French. The Pope does
not understand German, and the Man of Sauer-kraut and Sausages has
no knowledge of Italian.
ON all the London tramways the cars run in very rapid succession.
Now, why in the name of goodness can women not wait a minute or
two at the starting point for a second empty car, instead of forcing
themselves into the first full car ? On entering, these selfish trespassers
invariably cast reliant yet questioning glances round, which palpably
demand that men shall rise, and give them seats. The male things who
silently refuse to do so are looked upon as brutes by all the daughters of
Eve in the cars. They settle in their own minds that such fellows are
certain to beat their wives, and would not hesitate, on a pinch, to
murder their mothers and sisters.


JANUARY 27, i886.

FELL in love with an Earl one
a-t. a y day- .
Devotedly, insanely--
And, throwing herself. in his lord-
ship's way,
Revealed it pretty plainly.
His lordship, he could not be
To such polite attention,
And thoughtfully returned, in kind
Her noble condescension.
i/ Singing, hey for a sigh and a
S winking eye,
And a gently heaving.
uII buzzum,: /
-Iill A delicate blush, and a little
bit of gush, .
And that's the way you
does 'um I
The neighbours all were forced to
She loved him most sincerely;
'Twas not for his lordly rank alone,
Nor for his riches merely,
'rwas not for his lands, so fair and free,
(Though much exposed to weather),
'Twas not for one of all the three,
But all the lot together.
Singing, hey for a glance at the good main chance,
And a wide-awake selection, [purse)
Tho' he might have done worse (with a plethoric
I han gain a true affection.,
But soon a thing there came to light,
To painfully surprise him;
As time went on she didn't quite
So fondly idolise him I.
You see she loved that lordly lad
For the gifts which Fortune guved him,
And the more he gave the less he had ;
* So, of course, the less she loved him I
Singing, Hey I for the woe of the treated so,
And the taxing his invention;
For repairing-all the rifts with excited gifts,
Which baulk their own intention.
He gave her his land and house in town,
And rent-roll in connection,
Which quickly brought her feelings down
To sisterly affection.
He gave her the cash he had in bank,
To find her just respect him;
And, desperate, next he gave his rank,
Which made her quite reject him.
Singing, Hey I for the rash expense of cash,
And the wild immoderation ;
And the dwindling of love, of which the above
Is a palpable indication.
But the lover he wouldn't beat retreat
(From obstinacy mainly),
IHe flung him down before her feet
And cried for mercy-vainly.
"This Radical tone is sad to see,
Of common-sense the warper,
A lady of rank and wealth," said she,
"Can never wed a pauper."
Singing, Hey I for the strange uncomely change
That comes of big successes;
A story that's told from the days 'of old
In books and rare MSS.
So Arline is a fair young seamstress girl
Who rolls in rank and riches,
And George is a far from rich ex-Earl
With patches on his briches;
His sole resource to head a band
Supporting (on commission)
A flag with the motto, Shares in land
And Peerage abolition.".
Singing, Hey I for the tricks of poli-tics
Throughout this wide dominion,
And the power of chance and circumstance
In matters of opinion.

THERE was once a little Working Man who did a foolish thing, and
did what big grown-up people call "setting the ball a-rolling;" and
when he had set it rolling he never was able to stop it again.
And it all happened in this way. John (the little working man) was
not a bad boy; he was only a foolish, short-sighted .boy, unable to see
an inch before his nose. Now, he had gone on working for centuries;
and he had worked so well, and taken such pains, that people all over
the world who knew what's what used to say, "Give me John's work ;
I wvill not buy any other." So John, by reason of his industry, became
quite celebrated, and got high wages, and was able to buy tarts ever) day.
But John suddenly began to get idle and to lose his con-scien-ti-ous-
ness-(a very nice thing, and much better than hardbake. Next time
you have some money given to you, spend it in it)-and to say to him-
self, "I will not do good work .any longer; I will scamp it; but I
shall get my high wages all the same."
But, much to his surprise, people all over the world who knew what's
what soon began to find this out, and to say, I do not care for John's
work now; I will buy this German (or French, or Swiss) work, which
isbetter." It is quite true that John's master began to supply bad stuff
to make the things of too; but this fact, although that helped to disgust
the people who know what's what, does not make John's ways any less
'foolish. And so John's master said to John, "I must reduce your
wages." This gave John quite a shock, for he thought that only other
people ought to suffer; and after this he did nothing but worry his
master, and make it hard for him to live, by grumbling- and getting
still more careless, and so on.
And now we come to the great point.
One day, in the dusk, when John went into0the workshop chuck-ling
to himself about "making it hot for the guv'-nor" (a low ex-pres-sion),
he nearly fell down with fright; for right in front of him stood a great
dreadful thing that seemed to be glaring at him; and he could feel its
* breath, which was hot; and the noise it made nearly deaf-ened him, so
that he ran out quickly and screamed. And for nearly a week after that
he did not dare to go into the work-shop; but at last he got so hungry
that he was o-bliged to go in, as he had not had any tarts lately. But
even then he could not set himself com-fort-ably to his work for fear
of that monster, which would keep glaring.at him close at his elbow.

Then he went and said so to his master; and his master said a very
strange thing-a very strange thing I What do you thinkthe thing was
that John's master said ? Why, he said, "You made that monster your-
self, John." Fancy his saying that I John could not understand it
but John had not been an intelligent boy for a good many years.
Well, he soon got more used to the monster; I do not mean that he
liked it any more; but he got enough used to it to be able to go on at
his old games, and add new and worse games to them; for now he took
to "striking," and "rat-ten-ing," and vi-o-lence; and one day again,
when he went into the work-shop the monster was twice its for-mer
size, and made more noise, and had hotter breath than ever. -
Then John said, I will not work with that monster there."
But his master said, "Then you may go, for the monster which you
made shall stay there. It does me better service than you do, and every
time you injure me it will grow bigger." So John had to work near the
monster for the sake of bread (for be got no tarts now), and every time
he broke out afresh into violence, he was, sure to find the monster had
grown bigger. Then John began to grow desperate, and tried to injure
the monster; but every time he touched it, it burned his fingers, or
chopped one off, so that he learned to let it alone. And now all his
time was taken up with strike-meetings and plots, so that he did no
work at all; and the monster grew and grew.- And next time John
tried to get into the work-shop he could not, for-the monster filled the
whole place. And if he tries to push in it will crush him, so what will
John do? Can you guess what the monster is which John made for
himself? It is MACHINERY.

JANUARY 27, i886.. 43

The Great Irish Melodrama.

YE who are versed in Melodrama's ways
And Dion Boucicault's romantic plays,
Can ye not prophecy what will be done
In the great Irish Drama just begun ?
Enter, a Village Maiden, young and fair,
Blest with a wealth of gentleness and hair,
Fitted for ecstasies of ev'ry .hue,
And perfect from a moral point of view.
Enter, a Villain (softly as he can),
A fearful, Mephistophelean man;
He speaks aside, with wicked passion boils,
And plots to catch the Maiden in his toils.
Enter, the Sailor Hero, blithe and brave,
And him the luckless girl implores to save;
He turns, and lets the Villain hear his mind
In terms of threat and sentiment combined.
What next, and next ? Do not we know the dreams
Of bliss demolished by the monster's schemes,
The deep despair, and the affliction sore ?
Of course we do,-we've seen them all before.
Take courage, Village Maiden! Vice and Crime
May seem in the ascendant for a time;
But Virtue, though awhile without a friend,
Is somehow sure to triumph in the end.

Royal Academy.
THE collections of works by old masters and deceased
masters of the British school, exhibited annually at the rooms
of the Royal Academy, are always interesting in the highest
degree, from the number 'of celebrated artists represented,
the variety and beauty of their works, and the diversity of
subjects and styles. Strong sympathies are stirred, though
envy is rarely-engendered (earnest emulation may be) by the
sight and study of the works that made men great, and by
which they won their fame. This year the chief: interest
probably centres in the collection of water-colour drawings'
by J. M. W. Turner, R. A., which cover a period of forty
years-perhaps the best period of his career., Many of them
are of great beauty and power; some are the great master's
masterpieces, and may be fitly described as the pure poetry
of painting. No man, be he student or scholar, should miss
seeing them.

ey met at last at a drinkingkbar, and oskins.felt that he must remember
that five shillings he had borrowed of him long ago.
SOONER?" [Probably Joskins will never forgive him.

Agitation and Starvation.
[The poor inhabitants ofAchill. on the North-west Coast of Ireland, are likely to
suffer from the perils of famine.. They have already consumed all their ;eed-potatoes ,
and it is probable'that an a appeal will be made to the charitable of London. hI i
worth remarking," says the Evening News, that the Nationalist Leaders, who live on
subscriptions wrung from the people, do not offer to give any aid to their starving
AN insultin' remarruk is that above penned,
In touchin' the Oirish poor ;
Aich Nationalist is his country's friend,
Av that ye may well be sure.
On the Northbwist av Erin, the Famine Ghoul
Is preparin' to make a raid;
But beyont our offers to fight for Home Rule,
We don't offer to give anny aid.
No, av course we don't offer-D'ye think we're mad?,
Or that we care a rap for their fate ?
Forwhoile they are struggling whin times are bad,
We're living' in moiglity state.
An' the money we pocket is wrung from those
Who belong to the poorest grade;
S But we can't be bothered.about their woes,
Nor offer to give anny aid.
; We boycott and bounce-moind ye, that's to say
-, We cause otchrs to do that same;
But giving' a part av our gain,: away ,
Is not a Pamellite's game.
Our Parpells and Healys accept big cheques,
And we all get finely paid; I C
But still, d'ye mind, to those starvin' wrecks
Sure none av us offer aid. .

Thin, hooroo I for the Pathriotic Thrade,
By the which we do mighty well,
An' our suffering' dupes are av us afraid,-
Praise be to the power of Parnell I
Anny measures for Oireland's benefit framed,
Begorra, would spoil our trade,
And that's why we don't (an' we're not ashamed)
Iver offer our poor anny aid.

Soothed by a Brace.
OLD Chuffles turned an ashy white as his gay, dashing young wife
abruptly asked him the burning question, How would you like to be
cremated, Peter, my dear ?" Gradually Peter Chuffles' colour returned,
and his face resumed its normal tint of a decayed pippin, and, with a
demoniacal expression of countenance, he placed the poker in the fire.
Then the young wife scanned her husband with her roguish eyes,
winked wickedly at him-and bolted. Crash! bang I The smoking
poker whirled through space, and a glittering piece of showy metal
nearly grazed her tipt-up, saucy nose. Ah I 'tis a brace-buckle," she
whispered under her breath, as she hastily picked it from the floor and
I have a little present for you, Peter, my darling," remarked the
young bride, as she returned to her.husband's ancestral roof-tree. I,
here, on this sacred spot, where your relations, dating rather beyond
Billy the Conqueror, revelled and robbed; I, here, on this substantial
Turkey carpet, present you with a pair of Resilient New Spring Braces.
The next time you stretch your arms at early morn with so much energy,
you will not suffer inconvenience from telescope trousers for the rest of
-the day. Now take me to see Faust." He braced himself up, and
wandered round to the Lyceum like a lamb.

ToCO55SXDNS.TA dia, es ,jhid 1 ,euakdw ,DtnwW &Y.' ~rfu~eS. kiiC. -liens si'm m~5
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ t Mevje~ htw~ raw- WdW qwA

441 IIU N JANUARY 21, x886.

ONLY MAN PRESENT." [And the respective limbs of the two Apollos had to be sorted out.

******0000***** "TowNe
i on: reputation
6Iin the treat.
e ment 'o0
***S********** Neuralgia."
"Invaluable la fal Neuralgia. Has
roved effective a all those cass ia which we
have Prescribed t."-Medil hPresms.
S/9 1/, and UP4.. Of aRH Ohemie.

A New Terror.
A MUSICAL sewing machine is the latest
invention announced. FUN, whose tender
heart is easily moved to sympathy with the
suffering, offers the following lyric for the
consolation and guidance of men-folk.
AIR-She Worked a Sewing Machine.
Oh, Music, which they say hath charms
To soothe the savage breast,
Doth often cause intense alarms,
When vilely 'tis expressed.
Street-organs and the German band,
Both terrible plagues have been:
But a still worse terror now threatens our land-
The Musical Sewing Machine.
All happiness will depart,
And there's sure to be many a scene,"
If our wives and daughters should henceforth
The musical sewing machine.
The sewing machine's vile clicking noise
Hath oft caused men despair,
But now 'twill banish all our joys
When it whirrs to a popular air I
When your wifey, say, runs up a frock
To the tune of I'll crown thee Queen,"
You bet it will cause a frightful shock,
That musical sewing machine I
Oh I our anguish will be strong,
And 'twill fill us with awful spleen,
When women-folk work to some music-hall
With the musical sewing machine.
Now if wives insist on working this,
Their hubs have but one course-
Those wives they must refuse to kiss,
And bring actions for divorce.
And all who have hymeneal views
Must adopt a determined mien,
And make their darlings vow never to use
A musical sewing machine.
Make girls vow when they enter the marriage-
(And to that most damsels lean)
To Love, honour, obey, and ne'er operate
On a musical sewing machine."

Just a Pinch.
SOME seem surprised because there is a
"Manufacturer of Snuff to the Queen" at
Edinburgh. Yet why not? Our Sovereign
Lady has a right to employ such manufacturer
if he can make her (R)appee.

Irish Melodrama.
British Tar: The man who lays his Home
Rule upon a woman is not worthy of the name
of Irishman, Chorus, "Home Rule Bri-

'n"' '' iCadbury's
Coeoa thickens in the
Write as smoothly as a lead by and neither scratch nor pur tio ofStr oo a
A S S d.UARpNTo PRe ANe SOLUBLEstamps from

London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietor?) by W. Lay, at zS3 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 27th, z886.,

S3, 886. TT N 45

- -C-- -

- -1-- ~~E:
-c--- -~


ALL.? "





VOL. XLIII.-NO. 1082.


46 ITFU N FEBRUARY 3, 1886.

THE CRITERION.-Hamnlet, with the Prince of Denmark left out,
seems a possibility after all. A piece has been successfully produced

here without Mr. Wyndham in the cast I Trois Femmespour un Marn,
which was produced at the Cluny some two years ago, was such a tre-
mendous success, that it was bound to reappear on these shores as soon as
the right man was found to translate it. There can be no doubt that the
right man was found. If you ask, "Who ?" I reply, "Rae;" and add
a hearty Who-Rae I" at the triumphant result.
THERE is nothing very new in the plot, which is but a variation (and
perhaps complication) of the old theme of a secretly-married young man
inducing a friend to pass the bride off as his own, in order that the
bridegroom may escape the disinheriting fury of an avuncular misogynist.
(I'm going to have that sentence framed I) To inquire into the strict
probability of the incidents of what the adapter (following Mr. Pinero)
very properly calls "a farce," is sheer waste of time, even if you could
keep up with the pace of the story. You just have to sit down and
bear all that comes, and the burden of laughter is pretty heavy at times.
The last act is too long, for the simple reason that the joke has grown
familiar, though the act is excellently done in itself. The construction
is capital throughout.

THAT traces of its Gallic source are not wanting goes without saying.
That character of the French drama which, when translated into English,
always becomes either an actress or an artist's model speaks for itself, and
the influence of our lively neighbours' ways of thinking is obvious in the
dialogue at every turn-indeed, considerable revision in this respect
were wise; but, at the best, I do not think it is exactly the piece it
would be advisable to take one's-mother-in-law to see I

IT is expected of Mr. Wyndham's company that it shall always be
thoroughly up to the requirements of this kind of piece, and, although
there are several new-comers on the present occasion, this expectation
is no way disappointed. Mr. Lytton Sothern, who returns to his
allegiance here, has all the personal and artistic qualities necessary for
the chief part, and he rattles through his work with untiring spirit. Mr.
George Giddens, as the young man on thorns, is in his element, and
long practice has rendered the character easy to him. Mr. Blakeley
never looks the harsh uncle he is said to be, and finally proves himself
not to be; he brings that look of his compounded of a mirthless smile,
a bowed head, and a corner-look from the eyes, into full prominence
once more, and we joy as in a well-known friend. He is all there in
the scene where he decks his barren fruit-trees with grapes and pears
from Covent Garden before the arrival of a would-be purchaser of his
worthless property-pre-pears for the visit in fact.

MR. MALTBY appears once more as one of those comical old men of
his. He has a funny scene with Messrs. Giddens and Sothern in the
first act. Do they remember that scene they played together in Betsy,
I wonder? Do you, you dogs? Eh? Ha I hal ha I

MR. HARRY ST. MAUR plays excellently, too. He was a little un-
comfortable in his accent to start with, but even that he settled down
into as he went on. Miss Isabelle Evesson, although she played her
scene with Ralph, in the second act, too hurriedly, was more charming
than I've ever seen her since she first charmed my vision as the lady of
the tall boot," in Featherbrain; and there is a pretty little lady (who
is not too little, either), Miss Annie Hughes, who appears here for the

first time, and who played the landlady's daughter with a quick sense
of humour, which put her on a good footing with her audience at once.
Miss Rose Saker, as the artist's model-and,-however she managed
those lovely dresses out of a shilling an hour-well, there !-has just
caught the spirit of the character. Altogether, I expect Mr. Wyndham
will suffer the fate be deprecated, and be kept out of his theatre longer
than he bargained for.

NODS AND WINKS.-Mr. S. Brandram announces his eleventh series
of recitals, which will be given at the Westminster Town Hall, Caxton
Street, and commence on the IIth inst. "Good wine needs no bush,"
neither does a Bran-dram !-Mr.Walter Chandler,"provincial tragedian,"
chose the night of Mrs. Langtry's reappearance in London to give a
dramatic recital at St. George's Hall; I, consequently, could not per-
sonally assist to crowd that edifice upon the occasion; but I attended by
proxy, and by proxy I may say that Mr. Chandler has a voice of depth
and resonance, a good presence, and an apparently retentive memory.
There is some want of light and shade in his elocution, and he mustn't
allow his voice to lead him away too much; but he has undoubtedly
more than a fair chance in the line he has chosen.-Easter will be sig-
nalised at the Standard Theatre by the production of a drama from the
pen of Mr. G. Manville Fenn:
And no one has an abler pen,
You'll own, than Mr. G. M. Fenn.
It is called The Foreman of the Works, and will no doubt Foreman
attraction for months.-On Thursday week the new drama by Mr. Wilson
Barrett and H. A. Jones, which bears the curious title of The Lord
Harry, will be produced. This is said to be Mr. Barrett's birthday, and
I have no doubt that Mr. Cobbe will present him with happy "returns"
after each performance for many a day to come.-Alone in London has
been translated into French for immediate production in Paris. Ah I
ferfide Albion! one more crime to be laid at your door !-There seems
to have been a good deal of tumbling done recently among members of
the profession not popularly supposed to belong to the branch of it which
would render it natural. Miss Saker and Mr. Giddens collided at
rehearsal, "fell in a heap, and sustained slight bruises (The Alan With
Three Wives was postponed in consequence). Mr. Alexander Hender-
son slipped in stepping from the boat at Calais and sprained his ancle;
and Mdlle. Patti, the graceful "first dancer" at the Grand, finished one
of her pirouettes the other morning by coming down handsomely, but

heavily, on the stage. Miss Lizzie Coote seems to have suffered most
severely though ; a fall she sustained at Manchester, where she has been
playing Dick Witlington, having caused an injury to the spine, which
has resulted in an attack of paralysis. I sincerely trust she will soon get
over it.-Mr. Edward Swanborough has become the acting manager for
Mr. Villiers at the New Pavilion; Mr. Ashby Sterry has written
Minnie Palmer a new song; and Miss Fannie Leslie will produce Jack-
in-the-Box at the Strand this time next year-there's early information
for you I But you may always rely for such upon the always-up-to-time

Over the Counter.
A NEw pamphlet'has just been published, entitled "England and
Ireland; a Counter proposal." It is to be hoped it is not a dis-counter
of any good project.

THE way to "Attach" Ireland to England.-Adopt string "-ent

FEBRUARY 3, i886,


Sermons in (Precious) Stones.
[The Amethyst is said-to be a preventive against violent pasiuons.]
0, YE who cannot cure yourselves
Of temper strong and stern,
But jump about like furious elves,
And rage and fume and burn-
0, ye who tear your hair, and oft
Use language bad and wild ;
Your manners may be yet made soft,
Your language sweet and mild.
Bad temper's temptings you'll resist
By wearing of an Amethyst.
Whene'er vague politicians' pranks
Arouse your righteous rage;
Whene'er your play's declined with thanks,
Or hissed from off the stage;
Whene'er the mutton's "cold again,"
Or Income Tax is due;
Or if you're caught in heavy rain
Whene'er your hat is new-
Don't frown and fret and clench your fist,
But gaze upon an Amethyst.
Whene'er your anxious loving wife
Seems apt to be irate,
And leads you a perturbed life
Because you come home late;
Whene'er your doting ma-in-law
Is apt (some are, I fear)
To vex you with incessant "jaw"
Both stinging and severe-
All rage through these you may resist
By gazing on an Amethyst.

Written In-fant-asy.
[The Infants' Bill will be introduced into the Lords this Session ]
THE Infants' Bill I We trust it will
Achieve some good-in proper style;
But bear in mind when 'tis designed,
They must not make it infant-ile.



A SIXTEENTH cousin of mine has been calling on me. He is about
twenty-two years old. He has long fair hair, a brogue, a big appetite,
and a long tongue. They turned the young beggar out of a grocer's
shop in Cork, because he couldn't keep proper account of sanding the
sugar, and all that. He used to write to me once to say, Five shillings,
my dear relative, would save my life." I wish I hadn't sent the five
shillings and saved his life. He has been returned as Home Rule
Member for Tullaboo. I can hardly stand it. Upon my soul I can.
hardly stand it. He came into my room yesterday and struck an atti-
tude with a roll of paper-the regular statesman's photograph attitude.
" If you think you look like Mr. Gladstone, when you sit like that," I
said, "you don't. You look a great deal more like a tallow chandler
with a composite candle in his hand." "I amc a senator, sirr," he
answered. "You are a young fool," I replied. "I wish I had never
helped you from starving, for now you wouldn't be kicking up a dust
and making an ass of yourself." He folded his arms. "My genius,
the state of my country forced me into the position I now hold.
Thousands drink in my eloquence." I said to him, "If the thousands
drank in the thousands of glasses of gin-and-water you used to consume
when an inferior journalist, the thousands would be much the worse for
liquor." He smiled scornfully. "Genius may have its weakness, the
true Irish gentleman is ever convivial." "He is," I said, "very true,
Irish gentlemen who never pay their bakers and butchers can afford
to spend a good deal in alcohol."
The idiot tried to smile contemptuously. "My great chief," he said,
"thinks well of me, and that is enough." "Who is your great chief?"
I asked, "O'Donovan Rossa?" "The great chief is Mr. Parnell.
O'Donovan Rossa is an enthusiastic warm-hearted man, whose patriotic
feelings, however, occasionally get the better of his better judgment."
He smiled still more scornfully, and struck another attitude.
"In my time," I said, "the 'House' was composed of Liberals and
Conservatives. Now it's composed of a certain number of gentlemen,
and a section of journalists, and retired tradesmen who have failed, and
who call themselves Home Rulers. I'd Home Rule 'em if I had the

chance." "I trust that I am a gentleman," said the Home Ruler.
"You can trust as long as you like. I don't think anybody would trust
you with half-a-ton of coals, though you have got M.P. after your name."
"That's a distinction," said he. "With a difference," said I. "Some-
body being a somebody, M.P. after his name makes him more; with a
nobody it makes him no more." I looked at him, and felt as if I could
choke him. Why, I remember when he could hardly earn a pound
a week at his trumpery newspaper trash, when he used to hang about
Fleet Street bars, ruining his constitution with inferior liquors and large
quantities of hot sausages. And this wretched newspaper, sausage-
eating thing was in the House.
There he sat, smiling away. "You can smile as much as you like,
my young friend," I said, "but when you've had your day in the House,
and you're out of it, you needn't come to me wanting loose silver, and
offering to give me orders for theatres to please me, to make me part, as
you call it. I tell you what it is, if I had my chance, I'd just turn you
neck and crop out of the House, I would indeed. I'd bundle you out,
sir; I'd bundle you out, that I would. Second-hand penny-a-liners
calling themselves M.P.'s. Poh, sir I Poh DIOGENES TUBBS.

[Certain employers in Burnley have decreed that the gir.s in their factories shall
henceforth part their hair in the middle only, and shall wear no "fringes."
A "PARTING" like this will not make much amends,
For the girls' minds 'twill nearly unhinge;
And they will not regard those employers as friends
Who on "fringes' thus dare to in-fringe.

Give it a (Mountain)eering!
MR. BRYCE, M.P,, promises to bring in an "Access to Mountains"
Bill. It should prove a valley-able measure, suitable to any clim(b)-ate,
if it is not too lofty; and if the proposer does not put on too much
(mountain)," side."



48 F" N3. FPBRUARY 3, 1886.


"Yes,' said Jones delightedly. "I have a house to let. You wish to take it ? Come on!" For it was the first time he had tried landlording. Then quarter-day
came-many quarter-days came. "I shou d like the rent.' said Jones. "Rent?" said the tenant. "I'm not going to pay rent. I'm a swindler. I haven't a penny,
and never had." "Go aut, theft "Not I." Then Jones spoke to the Law about it. "Ah!" said the Law;'" well, you must wait until ten years' rent is
unpaid; and then you must obtain a writ, and an execution, and a distress, and a mandamus, and wait ten years more; and then you can ask him again to go out."


Then the wild Jones (with his absurd idea oi right and wrong) tried to get in at the window; but the tenant gave him in charge; and he got seven years as a burglar.


71.7 I =77L

And when he came out, that hasty Jones attempted to "chuck" that tenant out. And this time he got fourteen years for assault.
(To le continued.)

I I TJN .-FEBRUARY 3, 1886.

-After Sir okhn E. Millais, Bart., R.A.,, &c., &c.

50 F IT. FEBRUARY 3, I886.


SIR,-This is as beastly a hole as England-and I can't say worse for
it. I've not landed a shilling or a flat since I landed on these shores,
the racing hasn't been worth looking at lately, all my tips have gone
wrong, and on the last day if it didn't pour in such torrents as I never
saw before I And I've seen some heavy wet in my time, too. There
weren't many people attended, and these soon became merged in mud.
I don't know a soul here either, and when I asked the waiter, who
brought my cafJ au lait, whether the eggs were au lay, too, he never so
much as smiled, but said he would send the English waiter I Ugh!
I'm disgusted, I shall chuck it and come home. England, with all its
drawbacks, isn't half so bad as this-please send cheque and I'll come
at once. I'm just going up to the hotel to ask how Henderson's ankle
is, perhaps he'll give me a couple of stalls for the Avenue, and tell me if
he really thinks Arthur wasn't late that night. See you soon, I hope.
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
Nice (more like up to the Nice-in mud 1).

Two P.'s.
[Mr. Parnell, as Ajax defying the lightning of the Speaker's eye, is one thing; but
Mr. Parnell in a reasonable attitude, saying soft things with bated breath, is quite
another thing. Of late Mr. Parnell, instead of roaring like a lion, has been cooing
like a dove.-Ec/ho.]

LOOK here upon this picture please,
Here P.'s the boldest of M.P.'s.
Here Ajax-like, he Peel defies,

All heroes here he is above,
He's here a terror to the foe,

In this he threats at Saxons hurls,
In this he's fierce, and strong, and
Will any reader kindly tell

And also kindly gaze on this,
And here he's meek as any miss.
(And here he stands with downcast
( eyes.
But here as gentle as a dove;
SHere to a goose he can't say
j "Bol"
Herein he studieswisdom's pearls.
JIn this his manner's more than
SWhich portrait shows the real

AN IMPROVED DOG MUZZLE.-Proclaiming the Irish National League.

IT was a calm, still afternoon in Westminster Police Court, and Mr.
D'Eyncourt, the magistrate, shed his gentle rays of happy good temper
over the radiant brows of a bibulous lady
charged with having been "full up and
incapable the night before. "Oh! drat
them rheumatics as comes of damp attics,"
warbled the prisoner; "it was them as
done it." "Dear me, madam I" said the
courteous "beak," rheumaticss don't (
make you intoxicated, surely?" "No,
they don't I yer honour," said the lady, -
thoughtfully picking her teeth with a hair-
pin, "no, they don't I but when they takes
yer sudden like, they makes yer fall /
down. Oh! drat them rheumatics."
"Deary, deary I" cried the sympathetic
magistrate; try a box of Blair's Gout Pills, an excellent remedy for
rheumatism, and pay the Court half a crown for the advice."
IT is deemed necessary by Royalty that the yacht Osborne be refitted
at great expense, before taking out the Duke of Edinburgh's wife and
children to Malta. The country has to pay for this needless piece of
absurdity. IHad the money for the refitting to come out of the stingy
Duke's pocket, such a foolish waste of cash would not be indulged in.
The yacht steams out with its precious cargo about the middle of March.
AT a sitting of the Divorce Court, Mr. Justice Butt fined seventeen
non-attending jurymen. They were mostly highly respectable men, and
their wives had refused to permit them visiting such a questionable place
of entertainment.
A GENTLEMAN who had a difference of opinion with his wife recently,
on a political question, evidently does not belong to the peace-at-any-
price party. During a heated argument about Mr. Gladstone's foreign
policy, he struck his spouse such a blow that her life is in danger.
MR. BIGGAR has kindly let us know that the Irish members are only
machines in Mr. Parnell's hands. They are very noisy, badly constructed
machines though; and some require a great deal of palm-oiling to make
them work.
KING HUMBERT of Italy is going in for economy, his butler is not
allowed to go beyond seven francs a bottle for champagne supplied to
the Royal table, and the Queen is restricted to winter-strawberries twice
a-week, and two packets of cigarettes a-day.
THE dining-room ceiling of a jerry-built house in the suburbs was
actually sneezed down last week by a family afflicted with severe colds.
WHY should such a fuss and hubbub be made because the Princess
Christian is suffering from melancholia ? Surely a lady might be allowed
to enjoy sweet melancholy in quietude whenever she wishes to.
A FRISKY gentleman, eighty-four years of age, has just married a
gentle maiden of sixty-four summers at Haltwhistle. They had been
seen sitting together on stiles and cooing for some time past, and gossips
shook their heads gravely; but immediately they were united, the vil-
lagers assembled and shouted hooray I" and the local band tootled
"Haste to the Wedding."
A DOCTOR says, "Alcoholic indulgence, smoking, and tea-drinking all
produce red tongue."'" There must be some advantage in these habits
after all, for a red tongue is certainly preferable to a "greenery-yallery"
one. Only aesthetics could think the latter desirable.

ANOTHER footballist has been kicked to an unknown goal. A kickist
mistook the unfortunate lad's stomach for a ball, and, unluckily, it did
not prove quite as tough as leather.
WHAT'S that in the paper, my dear, about Coercion on Greece' ?"
said Mrs. Puggles to her husband the other morning at breakfast. I
ain't looked yet, my dear," replied Mr. P. "I suppose it is something
to do with the law compelling buttermen to sell butterine as butterine."

M. GONDINET, in his new play, says, London is a savage place."
So we thought as we passed through Leicester Square the other day,
and saw a Frenchman seated in the inclosure making a hearty meal off
cat's-meat and garlic.
O'DONOVAN RoSSA says he has plenty of money. Had he substituted
the word brass for "money his statement would have been nearer
the mark,

FEBRUARY 3, 1886. FUJN. 51

THE news spread like wildfire through West minster's Hall,
And filled the Conservative members with go .11;
Yes, the Tories were staggered, and loudly t hey whined,
And they gave with expression"
This rueful confession,
" Lord S. is defeated, and so has resigned."
" Ah !" they muttered," Lord S. forth from office doth march,
Through the vile machinations of Collings-and Arch.
More iniquitous persons you couldn't well find
Than these agitators
For land cultivators.
'Tis through them we Conservatives now have resigned 1"
"'Tis true Solly funked" (to each other said they)
"Thz great Irish question,-the theme of the day.
Then the shifty Parnellites full soon proved unkind,
So, though strongly we mustered,
And loftily blustered,
Lord Salisbury's thought it was time he resigned 1"
" Our chieftain's big threat to the little Greek fleet,
It appears with unanimous praise didn't meet;
While Gladstone's advice seemed approval to find.
This and other small shindies
All show how the wind is;
We Tories are fogged-so Lord S. has resigned 1
This ridiculous rot re reforms touching land,
Has made shocking havoc of Salisbury's band;
Yes, those Liberal friends of the peasant and hind,
Beat us-Us, the Tories,
(Who swell Jingo-glories 1)
Yes, alas I we're defeated-and so we've resigned.
In Conservative circles the news caused dismay,
For, alas! just before we had all been so gay,
And the squires and the dames of the Primrose League pined.
Yea, in each habitation'
Was much consternation
When 'twas rumoured abroad that Lord S. had resigned I"

In this strain the Conservative public and Press
Give vent to their natural grief, as you'll guess.
Some papers most tearfully vow, you will find,
That for Solly-the nation
Will show lamentation-
Yet the nation, methinks, to the blow is "resigned !"

"Vivent les Enfants!"
[There is to be a grand Baby Show in Paris, o which exhibits" from all countries
will be admitted.]
THE infantry of Europe, the kids of Christendom,
To fair Lutetia's city in all their glory come;
Their chilly Lapland homesteads the chubby cherubs quit,
With swarthy southern squealers the fair Norse squallers sit.
Plump prodigies from Britain invade once more belle France,
Whom podgy Gallic foupons eye with a jealous glance;
And little German toddlers their voice add to the din,
And strive like stubborn Teutons the envied prize to win.
Proud Paris sends her youngsters to stand up for La France,
Competing with all Europe to gain le prix d'enfance ;
Poor plebeian St, Antoine with St. Germain unites,
While boutiques with grands chateaux for head of the poll" fights.
The air, we may be certain, no solemn stillness holds,
But noise, not quite so soothing as that which lulls the folds,
Resounds with many an echo within the show-room walls,
So all who there may visit had best look out for squalls.

IN a recent breach of promise case the jury assessed the loss of "a
nice old man and a pleasant home at 25. The aged male and the
comfortable quarters were lumped together in the damages given. The
jury ought to have let a curious public know their notion of the value
of the items, separately. It might have run thus-" To loss of a nice
old man, 4d. To loss of a pleasant home, 24 19s. 8d."

Itinerant Vendor (just as Old Colonel Diss-Peptic-Brown was fassing),-

Bad for Botchers I
[The Plumbers' Company intend to bestow on all plumbers who pass the proper
examinations the right to use the letters R.P. (Registered Plumber) after their
names ]
R.P. I 'Tis well; yea, at the plan
Scarce one inclined to carp is,
'Twill help the proper plumber-man,
And spoil the Plumber 'Ar-pies.

Floral Fictions.
THE Nettle stands for Slander, say the wise in flower-lore,
A statement which is likely to unsettle us;
For it is pretty clear, although we knew it not before,
There are few things that, like Slander, can so Nettle us,

IN a hospital at Macon a dozen, at least, of the nurses are addicted
to the use of morphine; they are in the habit of stupefying themselves
continually with it. The patients in this retreat must stand a very fair
chance of taking prussic acid instead of castor oil, or laudanum in the
place of senna, A nice convenient place for a party to enter who
wishes to commit suicide in a moral manner.

"JACK ANDJILL's" j : 5 : o Diophantine Competition is indeed 7our-
nalistic Novelty. Every copy has a Distinctive Number in Red on the Front
Page. Thearithmeticalproblem isas easyas ABC. Everyone should compete,

52 FUN. FEBRUARY 3. I886,

!I 5 .. _. .. 4

AWL & A u 1'7""

Lucre Lodge 'ud be a good crib to crack," Next day Bill Bludgeon lured them from home by means
said Bill Bludgeon, "if it wasn't forthembeastly of a tasty morsel.
dawgs." "Let's get'em took up," said his "pal."

And when he had left them to discuss it, his "pal"
commended them to the mercies of A i.

"'Ooray, Bill, they're a-taking of 'em off to the And that night the two worthies scaled But they hadn't bargained for the owner recovering his
Dawgs' 'Ome 1" the wall of Lucre Lodge. "dawgs" meanwhile; and didn't they get "what for 1"


LoRDs, Jan. 25.-Lord Waveney moves for Lord Salisbury to play
the trump card-that is, to take Parnell's trick. Kimberley, too, while
admitting "the Smith a mighty man is he," doubts reliability of report
founded on twenty-four hours' experience, Discussion ends in wavin'
Waveney's motion.

Commons.-" The horn of the Hunter is heard on the hill," The
philosophico-Radical member for Aberdeen objects to India being charged
with expenses of Burmese war: thinks John Bull can bear'measily.
January 26.-Chancellor of Exchequer throws down the gage to
Treason by giving notice that on Thursday Chief Secretary for Ireland
will introduce Bill to suppress National League. Rage of Parnellites at
idea of coercionists being coerced, and boycotters boycotted.
Debate on the address. Amendment by Jesse Collings, professedly
only as to allotment, but it meant a lot. "Thou wear a lion's hide ?,"
quoth Chaplin. Doff it for shame, and hang a three-acre-fed cow-skin
on those recreant limbs." Arch (not Archer) up, makes capital speech,
only addresses House, instead of Speaker. Honourable Members seem
to be tickled at being spoken to as "gentlemen." Strange sights.
Bradlaugh catches the Speaker's eye, instead of the Serjeant-at-Arm'.
foot. Goschen and Hartington oppose Grand Old Man. Libs. and
Cons. balanced to an ounce. It only wants Gwyllym Crowe's See-
saw" waltz, to make scene perfect. Parnell puts foot on the plank, and
up go the Government, hopelessly outweighed. Victory for the Liberals,
but, query, not too dearly bought ?
Thursday.-Cranbrook in Lords, and Hicks-Beach in Commons,
announce that Ministerial prospects are looking highly black. Salisbur}
gone to the Isle o' Wight, to see Her Majesty. Dismay of Ministry,
after elaborate get-up of the O'Smith from the coatee to the illigant "
brogue, to find his Hibernian performances confined to a "breakdown."
Meantime, Gladdy considering, not which good men to take in, but,
supply exceeding demand, which to keep out. Rumour says Parnell to
be asked to take Irish Secretaryship. Harcourt rather nervous, in case
new departure leads to one of Netherby burglars going to Home Office,
but consoles himself that, after all, Lord Chancellorship not so bad, and
Commons rather losing tone,

FEBRUARY 3, I886. FIJ 53

GwAY dar all-come hya you,
I'se de regular old Hoodoo.
I don' keer how brash you be,.
All of you niggers is afraidd ob me.
Smart as sin, an' bold as brass,
Don' yo' gimme none of y'r sass.
Yah-ha-ha- hoo-hoo-hoo I
I is de pizen ole Hoodoo !
Fo' dem I jealouses is shore
To dry to deff with nary cure.
Chicken-bone un'er do'step hid
Wid a piece ob a ole man's coffin id,
Dat'll make um wilt away
As de moon goes wilter night and day.
An' dat is jis wat I can do,
Fo' I is de pizen ole Hoodoo.
Red rag, an' coal, un' chicken bone,
Wot dat'll do is unbeknown,
Dat am de dre'ffle mystery
Dey teach in Guinea ober de sea.
But honey, now, I tells yer wot,
I knows a heap ob more dan dot;
I kin conjer de gizzard out ob you,
Kase I am a pizen ole Hoodoo.
I kin turn yore lub to spite
An' make you quarl bofe day and night;
But come to me, an' shore as sin,
I'll turn it all into lub agin.
Dat is a easy ting to fix
Ef wunst I make yer shadows mix,
Den wid a charm I put yer through,
Kase I'm de pizen ole Hoodoo.
From Dongoller and Jumbo Jum
De ivory root an' cressis come ;
Dem's de charms of life and deff
To make you well or stop your breff.
Jimson weed an' dry snake head
Dat'll jine you to de dead,
So I sends 'em to de bugaboo,
Fo' I'se de pizen ole Hoodoo.
Way down South in New Orleen,
Da's whar dis nigga's of'en been,
Da's whar de holy sarpent's foun',
Dar de Multoters dance around .
You nebber see sitch carrying's on
In all yo'r life sense you was bo'n;
An' you be boun' I goes dar, too,
Fo' I'se de pizen ole Hoodoo.
Two behine an' two befo',
Wait till you git to de watch-house do'.
I kin sen' yo' to prison, nary doubt,
An' when you're in I kin git you out.
All you want, I fix um well,
Wid Obeah charm an' Gumbo spell.
Come to me an' I'll put you troo,
Kase I'se de pizen ole Hoodoo.

THE sensational news recently published, which was in-
tended to make us believe that the Pope spends a large
portion of his time catching larks in his garden and wringing
their necks, actually turns out to be a canard. The only
thing His Holiness has ever caught in his garden is.a severe
cold in the head. The Pope has the most intense love for
those dear little feathered songsters-larks. He adores
them in pies and on toast. But it is his head gardener who
traps the birds, and it is his chef who dislocates their ver-

THE exciting rumour that the Duke of Cambridge eats
more pork chops than any five Chinamen living is doubtless
correct; but we are authorised to state the report circulated,
that he consumes these porcine delicacies every night for sup-
per, is incorrect : while the assertions that he insists on their
being served up underdone, that he bolts them with alarming
rapidity, and that he washes' them down with long deep
draughts of chlorodyne, are not to be relied on.

The Squire (who strongly suspects Young Lercher of complicity with Lercher,
Pfre, in wiring rabbits, &c., &c.)-" WHAT ARE YOU LOAFING ABOUT HERE
FOR, Boy?"
Lercher, jun.-" O1 BE SCARING ROOKS."

MESSRS. GEORGE ROUTLEDGE and Sons have issued "A Popular Hand-book of
Parliamentary Procedure," by Henry W. Lucy. Of the'complexities and intricacies
of such procedure it is a Lucy'd elucy-dation. Existing rules may soon be ruled
out by the proposed new rules, which, it is to be hoped, may be pellucy'd.-The
fifth volume of Routledge's Pocket Library contains Poems by Oliver Wendell
Holmes." These poems go "from grave to gay, from lively to severe," and are
touched in with great tenderness, purity, and pathos-" Holmes sweet Holmes."
-The Civil Service Calendar, by William Bussell (W. Stewart and Co.), although
"chock full" of "crams" for examinations, &c., is a truthful and trustworthy
guide. In these stirring times candidates for the Civil Service will do well to
Bussell.-" The Apple-Tree Annual" (A. Glendinning) contains an abundant crop
of the fruits of vegetarianism.-" The Year Book of Photography," edited by
Thomas Bolas, F.C.S. (Piper and Carter), is a good sized "Bolas," and contains
cures for many of the ills that photography is heir to, besides being a goodly help
to a healthy pursuit of the art.-" The Insurance Railway Guide is both copious
and concise, while the novel system of insurance will probably insure its success.,
In the January number of the Manchester Quarterly will be found an excellent
etching of Anne Hathaway's cottage, "A Walk to Shottery," "The Brothers
Cheeryble," and much more that is excellent.-The Daily News has recently issue
a broad sheet of "The New and Enlarged Parliament of 1886," which will be
valued for its analysis of the late elections, its political almanack, and its careful$
compiled statistics.
"The Golden Gate and Silver Steps," by Shirley Hibberd (E. W. Allen),
This is the taking title to a charming collection of "Prosey-Versey Tales." The
Golden Gate and Silver Steps" lead up to a perfect treasure-house of perpetual
pleasure for our youngsters, and to days and nights of pure delights.-" Haunteo
Heirlooms," by Richard Spearman (Thomas G. Ramell). This is called a Christmas
story, though there is nothing Christmassy about it, except its happily terminating
its troubles on that day; but it is a well told story, such as is always welcome.
-"Studies from Nature of British Foliage," by Tom Kelly (John Heywood).
Judging from the first number, this promises to be a splendid work, and ought to
be invaluable to the student.

WVTo CoaRXXSFNXNrn2s.-TAa d R.rn notue hixd AixsaffP w chowlkdg,,-irx, or j~ayfr CoxhntrimbdiL 1... cxwstW1it1hA, hraueed xua
ac&wouebuiW 6y a dam~ad dnd dirabtd ouwtkij&


The Defeat'; or, The Tory Miss
WE'VE heard how Miss Muffit,
*Enthroned on a tuffet,
Her appetite did allay,
When up cam-e a spider,
Which sat down beside her,
And frightened Miss Muffit away.
Who was Miss Muffit ?
And what was a tuffet
Once on a time ?-can't say;
But a tuffet now trenches
On Treasury benches,
And Tory is she to-day.
This niodem Miss Muffit,
While wishing to stuff it

In office as best she may,
Is roused from her lollifgs
And leungings'by Collings,
The spider that spreads dismay.
he Tory Miss Muffit I
Intended to buffet ,
The National League; but, nay-
It turns, to deride her,
And eggs on the spider,
And so there's the dickens to pay
That's Just How it's Done.
" As easy as lying," or easier still,'
Is political see-saw to play :
The out-going Ministry runs up a bill,
Which it leaves the in-coming to pay.
That is, when the out-going,happens to be ,
A superior high Tory Ministry.

Sad for the Sex.
[Tt is stated that there is no chance for the Woman's
Suffrage Bill this Session.]
No chance for the Women's Suffrage Bill,
Which Woodall steers with brave intent;
The Sex's power is still but nil
In matters touching Parliament.
She owes her ban to tyrant Man-
0 why will Man behave so low ?
Must women wait for Woodall's plan,
,Although they Wood-all like it so?

Hint to Toprists.
THE first thing to be considered, ,when you
have made up your mind to do any particular
country, is to make, up your mind not to let
that particular country do you.

Cocoa thickens -in the
up, it proves the
addition of Starch.

London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at Z53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, Febr 3rd, 886.



**-' (












56 N. FEBRUARY 10, 1886.

THE PRINCE'S.-Observing from the programme that the new piece
.vhich Mr. Coghlan has prepared for the opening of Mrs. Langtry's


reason here, is founded on incidents in George Ohnet's romance, La
Grande Marnire, I am emboldened to remark that Enemies, in its
want of proportion, in its raising of strong interest in characters and
incidents which presently fall into the background or disappear alto-
gether, and in its general uncertainty of characterization, gives all the
indications of having been adapted from a novel. So it does. It is in
fact, from an exactingly (or even unexactingly) artistic point of view, a
bad play, but it is all very interesting nevertheless.
THERE is something grimly uncompromising in allowing the unfor-
tunate Rose Heely to be strangled in sight of the audience, and there is
something irresistibly funny in the way her father takes the discovery
of her death-with triumph that the "young squire" (her supposed
murderer) is "in his power now" rather than with any parental con-
cern for his daughter's untimely end I The story is scarcely robust
enough, either, to stand the length at which it is told; but, as I say, it
is interesting.

THERE is no doubt that a large part of the interest and apparent
strength of the piece arises from the exceptionally good interpretation
it receives. The cast is about as strong a one as we have at present.
Mrs. Langtry herself shows at her best. She would probably be the
first to admit that she lacks the requisite depth and certainty of touch in
the lighter passages, and is quite unable to indicate-all the latent sug-
gestion of the final speech of the second act; but, though the author
appears to have carefully avoided keeping her too much upon the stretch
at any time, she plays several difficult passages with the right spirit, and,
even when not absolutely successful, commands respect, because she is
so obviously in earnest and so obviously not satisfied to be a monetary
success merely. The big scene, in the third act, which ends in her
striking old Darvel, is played with a mixture of force and self-restraint
which would do credit to an actress of far greater experience.

MR. FERNANDEZ has never given us anything finer or more complete
than his portrait of the hard old money lender, Darvel-a Darvel of a
fellow, as inferior humourists will have it-a piece of acting finished and
firm. Mr. Coghlan needs but to be named; his method is pretty well
perfected, and his picture of the young hero-Romeo among the
Montagues and Capulets-is marked with his accustomed grip and
truth. Mr. R. Pateman appears with success in a-part which has been
received with much approbation, inasmuch as it is that of a dumb man ;
his elocution is much admired, although it were ungenerous to suggest
that Mr. Pateman has never been seen to greater advantage.

MR. H. KEMBLE (in an extraordinary tonsorial make-up, suggestive
of his having habitually worn a very tight hat, and so worn his hair off in
a complete ring round his head), plays the part of an impecunious aristo-
crat with a good deal of humour, and some excess of agility. Mr. J. G.
Grahame plays an undecided sort of character well, too; and Mr. F.
Everill brings some sound art to bear upon a tedious and unnecessary
one. Miss Flora Clitherow appears as Rose Heely, and plays it with a
pleasing intelligence, and, perhaps, something more than that. Minor
characters are in such capable hands as those of Messrs. J. Care, J.
R. Crauford, Percival-Clark, S. Caffrey, and Frank Seymour; and
Mesdames Robertha, Erskine, and Bovering. I said it was a strong
cast !

THE mounting is splendid; the Yeomanry Ball, In the Glen, and
above all, On the Moor, all seem worthy of special mention. I don't
remember to have seen a prettier scene than this latter, so lovely, and
withal so quietly natural there was a scene in Coiyrades at the Court,
which equalled it, perhaps.
THE STRAND (Mforning). From Mrs. Langtry to Miss Minnie
Palmer is something of a transition-high caste to high jinks. But one
may make the jump with satisfaction to all parties. Miss Palmer -is
showing a healthy ambition as an actress, in desiring to prove to the
patrons who have by no means treated her unkindly, that she can do
something besides look pretty, sing nicely, dance cleverly, make faces,
and appear fifteen when she is at least two years older. And, verily,
she is justified. There were times during the progress of The Little
Treasure (a piece to which it is refreshing to find the familiar name of
A. Harris attached-the present Augustus's papa, look you) when
Minnie gave us a true little touch and forgot to spoil it by making a
grimace after it, and when one saw glimpses of possibilities one (strictly
limited to one) had not previously believed in. The little lady has a
lot to learn before she can be a "real" actress, but I am not certain
that she isn't best as she is-in her present form (and even she will
admit that it is a pretty form) she is unique, and there are lots of mere
actresses !
THE piece is about as ancient in character and not half so interesting as
a bit of dug up Roman mosaic, and why the characters should be fitted with
" handles to their names is a mystery, unless it is that solecisms and a
general half-bred air are thereby accentuated. Miss Jane Grey is a useful
and capable actress, and managed to be amusing, but the general perform-
ance and staging were not unlike that of an amateur show. The self-satis-
fied, though rather ordinary, performance of Mr. Roberts, the unsuitability
of Mr. D'Orsay for his part, the corked moustache of Mr. Freear
(looking very like a remainder of his nigger make-up in My Sweetheart),
the general stumbling over words, the activity of a book-case in travel-
ling from "Lady Howard's House, Richmond," to "Sir Charles
Howard's House, London," and back, and the show of uncovered
rafters in Sir.Charles's House aforesaid,,were all so many suggestions
to memory of dismal journeys to out-lying "halls in uninviting weather.

IN Wooler's two-part piece, The Ring and the Keeper, which
finished the programme, Mr. Roberts was fairly satisfactory (he had to
sing, which doesn't appear to be much in his line-but that is a detail),

and Miss Palmer was all her sprightly and piquant self, now disguised
as a waiting maid in the most coquettish of caps, and anon as a perky
Carolian page. The practical success of this experimental matinde has
encouraged Miss Palmer to repeat it on the 17th, but she might give us
something a trifle more interesting than The Little Treasure.

NODS AND WINKs.-At Hengler's Cirque, in Argyll Street, there is
a capital show just now, I believe; The Steeplechase act, for the first
time in London," has just been added to the programme, among other
things. I shall take an early opportunity of looking in and telling you
how I like it.-They tell me Mrs. Bernard-Beere is to be the next to
take the Haymarket in hand; I wish her success, I'm sure, and will do
my best to help her to it by attending whenever she likes to send a free
admission.-Mr. W. S. Gilbert's Engaged is in rehearsal for the said
Haymarket, by-the-way. NESTOR.
A LADY to whom Printers do not take kindly.-Miss-Print.

FEBRUARY 10, 1886. FTU N 57

[THE quarrels of the two underground railways serving the inner-circle have now entered on an acute phase. The fact seems that the one company loses no
opportunity of retaliating onthe other; and the public and shareholders suffer proportionately. The fight is about to become very severe,-News.aper.]
We append below a few of the awful things foreseen by the gloomy fears of our own Morbid Passenger.
I1 1 1


"Have you anything contraband ? Any of the other company's tickets

"Hullo I There's one of the other company's passengers !"

" Why, Bill, here's one of the other company's trains coming along on the same rails as us I Blest if I'm a-goin' to give way I '

[ Ieavitoph overhears, and is impressed.

TO-DAY is ze tirteen Februaries, ze day aftare it is to-morrow, and
to-morrow-voila!-it is your Day of Valentines. Hoorays 1-tree hips
also, for I am so glad. Vy am I so glad ? Look here, I go tell you.
For long time my heart have burn viz unalterable love for ze charming
Mees Jollidogue, ze sistare of my dear ole pals Jollidogue. I adore ze
ground she walk upon; I love her from ze sole of her head to ze crown
of her foot, vich is so small it reqvire telmicscope to behold zem. In vain
have I for long time try to declare my passion. Ven I am in her pre-
sence I have not ze courage, and ven I have ze courage I am not in her
presence. But I vill know my fate-to-morrow is ze fourteen Februaries.
I vill send her von valentine I
Ze Aunt Jemima of ze charmink Mees Jollidogue is ze object of my
terror, likevise my hatred. En passant, she object to be call an object.
Maintenant, she is a perfect object all ze qvite same, from ze head of
her hair, of vich zare is too little, to ze two of her feet, of vich zare are
too much. Ze ole fossil have determine she vill make her mine-I mean
hers me-no, no, confound it alls I I go say she is decided to make me hers.
I avoid her. I make up my mind I vill give the antique vinegar cruet
ze tip vich is straight. Tree cheers 1-to-morrow is ze Saint Day of
Valentines. I vill send her ze 14 of February I
I go to ze shop zat is stationary. Ze young lady who serve .is not
stationary, but vat you call brisk. She demand vat can she do for me.
I say lot of zings. Write me letter from home: give me sveet smile :
remember me ven I am far away, and lots of ozzare sings. She say no
larks. Vat do I vant. I say heaps-a thousand a year and a park, a
carriage and pair of horse, tree acres and von cows. Ze valkare of ze
shop have his eye on me ; if I am not full of care I expect he vill shop-
valk me off. I tell ze young lady I desire ze most charmink valentine
in ze whole caboose for ze most charmink girl in ze vide world. She
produce to me ze marvel of valentines. C'est un rbve une poeme I It
is just ze von sing to lay at ze feet of ze loyally Mees Jollidogue. Ze
only drawback is zat ze leetle boys have not qvite enough of clothes.

Zey bear torches to show, sans doute, ze torture of unreqvited passion.
Zare is an altar of Hymen, vich is invitation to ze young lady to alter
her condition. Zare is ze Cupid vit ze bow. Ma Joi / I suppose ze
bow represent me, for do I not desire to become her beau2 and zare
are verses vich I am certain can nevare cause ze sendare to meet vit
I desire ze young lady vill she send it addressed in ze writing of her
hand to Mees Julia Jollidogue, and zen I demand ze ugliest valentine
zat money can procure. She produce von vich she say is ugly as sin-
mais, ten thousandd tonnires I I never saw sin look so unpleasant. Your
Griffin of Temple Bar is handsome beside it. It is portrait of a female,
vit ze face of a section of a lemon, and ze figure of an ironclad, vile ze
verse vich is write undare is more ugly still. I say, zat is beautiful, and
desire ze young lady to address it to Mees Jemima Jollidogue.
It is ze fourteen Februarys. I call at ze Jollidogues. I am shown in
ze drawing-room. Quel bonheur, ze charming Mees Jollidogue is zare,
mais, quel horreur, zare also is her aunt. On ze table are ze two valen-
tines. I must have a care, I must be like player of billiards, and mind
my Q, also my P. Ze aunt of my angel say vit a simpare, Oh,
monsieur, zis valentine is so like you, I am sure you must have sent it,"
and she hold in her hand ze pretty von. I stammer, I pause, I blush,
and I confess. Zen ze charmink Mees Jollidogue rise, and, grasping ze
ugly von, she stamp her darling foot and say, "Sir, you must also have
sent zis, for ze envelope is stamped vit ze name of ze same stationer."
She bounce out of ze room in tears, and she bang ze door. Her aunt
fall upon my bosom and say she have long guess my secret, and she is
mine for evare. Zen, million of horrors I I comprehend. Ze leetle witch
of stationer girl have address ze valentines wrong for a lark; instead of
sveets to ze sveet, it have been sour to ze-sveet and sveet to ze sour. I
vant ze sky to open and take me down, or ze floor to open and svallow
me up.

WE beg it may be clearly understood, once or all-that the Par-
nell-ites are not a new kind of illumination,

FEBRUARY I0, x886. FU N 59




(MODERATE POTATION discovered surveying itself in a mirror.)
M. P. No, there are sorrier fellows than myself
And more unworthy. I enjoy my glass,
And feel the better; nor fill up my skull,
While yet it hath some furniture, with wine
That all mine enemies may quaff therefrom,
Exulting, draughts of silly babblement,
And muddled ravings, and a thousand secrets
Of foolish thought and purpose; and deride
And spurn the cup. Nor cause I stocks and stones
To rise from their inertness, joining hands
To reel around me, mocking him that hath
Less wit than them. Nor roll I, arm in arm,
With noisy gibbering Intemperance,
To crush the cup till, in revenge, it turns
And crushes me. What footstep beats the stairway
So falteringly ?
(INTEMPERANCE rolls in.)
INTEMP. Greeting, my worthy cousin I
'Tis lonely pledging toasts to one's own self-
(Though, faith I it gives the opportunity
To rise with grace-when one can rise at all-
And so return the salutation, gaining
A cup the more). But, come, we'll quaff together.
Thou art the novice-I the master-hand:
But time and practice, cousin, and thy hand
And throat may gain that skill--
M. P. Why, get thee hence;
I scout thy doddering, palsied cousinship !
Do men hold thee and me associates ?
Back to thy mates, Disease and Violence,
Ruin and Misery, and the rest of them.
What link have I with these ?
INTEMP, Mercy, good cousin !
My sides do stretch with drink; a little laughter
Will crack them. Why, we need no link between us;
We form one fetter in the Devil's chain-
So says Sir Wilfrid: straight I've come from him-
So straight, that is, as reeling roads do suffer.
Ah he hath roundly whipped me with abuse,
And wealed me o'er with epithet; and now
He called me "DRUNKENNESS," and now again
He called me "MODERATE POTATION." Marty !"
Quoth I, You do confound me with a neighbour ;"
P faith! quoth he, "1 took ye for the same;
I had no thought of more than one ofye.
I doubt not that thy muddled eye hath shown thee
Thine own reflection in the mirror, cheating
Thy dizzy brain with semblance of a brother."
And all mine efforts to remove, good cousin,
This fancy from his mind were unavailing.
And so he holds thee father of those fellows
That thou didst name-Disease and Violence,
Ruin and Misery, and the rest of them I
M. P, (sinking down in despair). So wise Sir Wilfrid says it! Then,
forsooth I
(Since he is held the focus of all wisdom,
The very heart and centrepin of judgment,
And shrewd clear-sightedness), it must be so !

M. P.


M. P.


'Tis with much loathing that I know myself
As part of thee I
Oh, use will spare thee that 1
Come crush a cup--
There seems no other course,

Since wise Sir Wilfrid-
No, since wise Sir Wilfrid-
Hark I I do hear our merry company
Mounting the stair-Disease and Violence,
Ruin and Misery, and the rest of them.
Why, they have heard the news of thee their kinsman,
And come to do thee honour. Spurn them not.
Surely it were ill-mannered if I spurned them,
Since wise Sir Wilfrid-
Thou dost reason well.
Come, we will all carouse in company;
Sir Wilfrid, be he one of us-if practice
Of wild intemperance of word and thought
And condemnation, and unchecked indulgence
In the strong stimulant of epithet
Do fit him for our company. A place
For gay Sir Wilfrid I We shall welcome him I

New Leaves.
BRICKS I Vacher's Model Bricks" (John Heywood). This is a very
complete and compact "box of bricks," containing very many pieces
within the size of one ordinary brick. In the use of these wooden blocks
the child-mind will have endless exercise for its ingenuity, and thus will
save many a bright boy from becoming a block-head.
The little book called "Comic Sketches and Sober Thoughts," by
Louisa Sowdon (W. H. Beer and Co.) is professedly for the "Merry
and Wise." We can scarcely say if it will help us to be either or both.
We are not always wise when we are merry or merry when we are wise,
but we might often be wiser if we were merrier.-"' Dancing as it should
be," by Edward Scott (Frederick Pitman). The information and
instruction in this book is conveyed in a clear and comprehensive man-
ner, by one who is evidently thoroughly competent to teach, and earnest
in his teaching. It will go far to make the delightful art-very different
to what it too often is-what it should be.

THE Austrian aristocrats are supposed to be the proudest in the
world. In their own opinion all the ducks that paddle the puddle
with them are more or less inferior creatures. But still their pride
requires a deal of ruffling and shaking about before they can be induced
to put their hands in their pockets to have a scandal on their fair fame
removed, These haughty nobles for some time past have allowed the
Princess Gaetana Pignatelli (a widow with children) to exist in the most
abject poverty, till, starving, the poor lady was obliged to frequent low
beer-houses in Vienna at night and sing to earn a few pence. Not
until this state of things had been made public, and their ignoble,
niggardly behaviour thoroughly exposed, did these superior aristocratic
mortals become slightly charitable towards their unhappy sister.

Scent Valentine.
AMONG the novelties, too numerous to mention, prepared by Mr.
Eugene Rimmel for use as valentines on the anniversary of the sweetest-
scented saint in all the calendar, is the Hygienic Brooch. We cannot
enumerate all its virtues or its uses, because they are manifold; but any
one may learn them by brooching the matter to Mr. Rimmel.


'ARY 10, 1886.


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62 F U NN FEBRUARY 10, 1886.

THERE'S nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream."
Sweet Letitia was singing softly to herself. Valentine's Day was
coming. She loved the merry custom, sweet innocent girl; she would
have many presents, for she was lovely.
"Mamma, dear," she said, as a guileless smile lit up her cherub coun-
tenance, "I shall get quite a heap of gloves. Charley Dawson will send
half-a-dozen Jouvin's, dear Edward will come out quite strong in brown
mousquitaires, and sweet Arthur, if be has any money by him, which,
as a rule, he hasn't, will send some new cambrics. Oh, what a delight-
ful thing it is, mother dear, to be young, and lovely, and guileless."
And you can sell them, dearest darling daughter. The tradesmen
will gladly take them back with only twenty per cent. off."
Sweetly Letitia smiled as she played, innocent darling as she was,
with a spray of white lilac.
"Six four-and-sixes are one.pound-seven; six five shillings, one-
pound-ten; a dozen at two shillings, one-pound-four-altogether, over
four pounds, dear, sweet darling mamma, at the very least," and her
gentle heart fluttered with joy.
Then St. Valentine's Day came round. Ah I it was sweet to see the
windows filled with beautiful works of art-like open tarts stuffed with
cheap perfumery. The birds sang in the trees; they twittered and
chose their mates. For Valentine's Day was coming, and these are
times when indeed the young heart must laugh. Tra-la-la.
The milkman, as he paced the street and heard the gentle rush of
chalk-and-water in his glittering pails, feels happy, too. He, too, burst
forth into song, and the elderly gentleman, clad in his snowy robe de
chambre, emptied the ewer out of the window on to the minstrel.
Happy, happy time !
The world woke up to St. Valentine's Day. Ah I how sweet was
Letitia, care of many a heart, apple of many an eye, ownest, ownest,
darlingest of the sweet maids of sunny South Kensington. She brushed
her golden locks before the glass that reflected back the dear loved
Rat-tat I It was Valentine's morn, and the post was at the door.

Ah, joy, ah, Cupid sweet, with your bent bow, and your pretty
dimple, and your roses and your posies."
The presents are coming in."
Only three big envelopes I
The first, she knew, came from Charley. She knew the hand-
writing. It was actually nothing less nor more than a horrid sixpenny
card. "When this you see, Remember me, For this I prove,
Eternal love."
Remember you I" she cried. The tears of vexation dimmed her
lovely eyes as she flung the wretched thing in the fire.
She opened another valentine. This was from Edward. "Oh, may
you never cease to know, How I, darling, love you so."
Another fourpenny card.
She tore it up into little strips and flung them out of the window.
The cooing pigeons thought they were crumbs. Finding they were not,
they made use of wicked coos and flew away in wrath.
There was another envelope.
This was from Arthur.
It contained only a twopenny valentine, and that was a second-hand
She burst into tears. Oh, it was too much I That a dear girl, like
she was, should be thus treated.
"Oh, mamma, mamma 1" the poor girl wept, as she laid her lovely
head upon her mother's bugles. "If they were to be all sold they would
not fetch a penny,"

They mingled their tears together, and the young heart sobbed out
its grief.
There was a modest tap at the door.
"What is it?" Letitia inquired in a faint voice of the menial,

It's only the baker's boy, miss. He says as how he has long luved
you at a distance, and has brought a present."
"A present-send him in." Letitia gave a wild shriek of joy. The
mild-faced baker's boy came in.
"'Tis but a little packet of Brown and Polson's corn flour, miss ; but
I loves you true, and you could get threepence for it at the baker's."
With a lovely blush Letitia laid her head upon his breast.
"You have brought me a present, dear one," she said, "and not a
cheap card. You are mine, and mine alone, and shall share with me
my 250,000 in the Three per Cents. Reduced. You have sent me a
present-you have brought me a present that can be sold for cash."
So true love and presents had their way.

Another Umbrella.
[An enthusiastic and eccentric Conservative said the other day, referring to the
Gladstone Umbrella :-" But we, too, have an Umbrella, and when it is unfurled it
will speak with no uncertain sound; and ere long will float in the eye of day to a sure
and speedy victory."]
AHA I all ye Liberals, shrink and tremble,
Oh I away from your posts decamp,
No longer attempt to deceive and dissemble, -
For the Tories have now a gamp I
And when that gamp shall be "unfurled,"
'Twill, like Venus's statue, enchant the world.*
For the Tory who vows he this gamp has found,
Says "'twill speak, and with no uncertain sound,"
Then where will you Liberals be?
For note the Conservative threat, I pray,
That this gamp will float in the eye of day
To a speedy victoree!"-
Ah, me I
What a clever and marvellous gamp of glory
This new Umbrella must be;
Not a common gamp, mark you, for lo I 'tis a Tory,
And is doubtless of high degree.
'Twill be able not only to grandly unfurl,"
And set wicked Liberals all in a whirl,
But for Eloquence, also, 'twill be renowned,
And will chatter with no uncertain sound-
This wonderful farafluie.
And 'twill also "float in the eye of day,
But who is the Tory Umbrella-eh ?
That will "float" on to victoree ?-
R. C.?
"So stands the statue that enchants the world."
-Poet Thomson on the Venus de Medici."

FEBRUARY io, I886. (UTJ N 63

Valentine's Day.

HERE he comes again,
Braving wind and rain,
Bringing the letters
From creditors, debtors,
And beggars of ev'ry strain.
Missives by the score
Carrying of yore.
Much has he brought us,
And much has he taught us;
But whom are these valentines for?
One for Missy Greece
(Fraught, let s hope, with peace);
And one for Miss Indy,
Just fresh from a shindy
With several Burmese geese.
How will Britain do ?
And Miss Erin too?-
Will-she get one that's pretty,
Besides being witty,
Or one about Irish stew ?
Haste thee, Postman, haste;
Suit each person's taste
As well as you can,
You Grand Old Man,
And stick to your work like paste I

With a Difference.
IN many a lay
St. Valentine's Day
(When young couples woo,
And all bill and-coo),
Is sweetly referred to as "Pairing time 1"
But by some, when they're wed,
Such fierce lives are led,
And such struggles ensue,
'Twixt the once loving two,
That, alas I they oft need a re-pairing time.

OBLIGz.-Does money being tight" in the City account for
the number of liquidations effected there ?


SIR,-I shall not be home so soon as I expected. I had got so far
on my way as Calais, when, asking the time of day (in the most fatherly
way) of a young lady in a white cap, I suddenly sustained a severe
abrasion of the scalp which will probably incapacitate me from my
usual drinks for a week or so. I cannot send you a tip this week, being
stretched upon a bed of gore (were you ever stretched upon a bed of
gore ?), next week, however, I hope to touch upon the dogs," and give


you and your readers something really valuable. Meantime you might
send a cheque-or even two. -What d'you say ? Yours, &c.,
P.S.-Don't forget to send a cheque or a P.O.O. or two.

The Snowdrop.
FORTH from the Ark on shining pinions flew
A fair white dove the waste of waters o'er,
Returning thence an Olive leaf she bore,
That did the captives' longing hearts imbue
With radiant hope, for by that sign they knew
The waters were receding from the shore;
The glad green earth would smile on them once more,
And all its pristine loveliness renew.
So the white snowdrop doth gay Flora send,
Fairest and first of her bright troop, to explore
If yet cold frost and snow are at an end ;
Sweet herald of the gifts she has in store.
A wreath of gems, which she will twine to crown
The happy earth when freed from winter's frown.

In Time.
SHE was hurriedly filling about twenty small articles of crockery-
cups, jugs, basins, baths, &c.-at the riverside. Poltwattle said, "What
are you filling those for ?" She replied, I have just read in the paper
that in 9,ooo,ooo years water will have sunk a mile, and in I5,ooo,ooo
years it will have disappeared altogether. See how awful it would be
not to have a drop in the house if anybody should pop in to tea." Polt-
wattle turned away a sadder but a wiser man.

64 FEBRUARY 10, 1886.

IT seems that begging letter sharpers have'rather a gaudy-time in
Paris. They reap rich harvests from tender-hearted, emotional Parisians.
Yea, they actually revel in the lap of
luxury and wax fat by their rascality.
This roguish business is conducted to
such an extent, that several begging
letter agencies have been established,
and are flautishing. The scale of
prices at these places is as follows:-
S "For giving the addresses of the
] ; charitable people most easily duped,
two francs; for giving the said ad-
dresses, with information as to the
habits, style and various weaknesses
of such simple folk, four francs; for
giving the said addresses, with infor-
mation as to the habits, etc., with
complete instructions how to obtain
large sums of money from such simple folk, with positive certainty,
eight francs. All fees must be paid in hard cash. No trust."
NEXT August a large number of Roman Catholics start from Austria
on a pilgrimage to Loudres. The pilgrims do not intend scourging
themselves with iron discipline, or sleeping on couches strewed with
leaden balls during their journey, neither will they tramp the distance
with dried peas in their shoes. They purpose travelling comfortably by
special trains, putting up at the best hotels and thoroughly enjoying
themselves during their little holiday. Modern pilgrimages are a vast
improvement on the ancient journeys taken for devotional purposes.
AN expert in dog surgery considers that wolves, foxes, and badgers
ought to be muzzled as much as dogs. Unquestionably so. One has
only to put a little salt on their tails to be able to catch the whole lot
of these wild animals and muzzle them quite easily.
LOUISE MICHEL, the fiery fitroleuse, is going to Russia to harangue
the masses on the glorious advantages of Socialism and revolution.
Should the Communist "heroine" attempt to carry out her programme
in the land of the Muscovite Emperor, her ardour is likely to be very
promptly cooled down in Siberia. A march to that icy locality, chained
to pine poles with a couple of hundred starving prisoners, all urged on
by the bayonets and butt-ends of the rifles of the guards, would damp
even the spirits of Louise; and she would regret the day she left the
comparatively comfortable prison of St. Lazare. If the interesting
citoyenne were wise she would give up all ideas of drawing audiences in
Russia, come to England. and link herself with the English Red
"Republican" and Irish Nationalist agitators. She would not only be
received with open arms by them, but would find that sedition may be
spouted, and villainy openly advocated, in perfect safety-and to the
tune of a good income-in the land of the brave e and the free.

A SUGGESTION has been, made that the open space in Trafalgar
Square should be utilized as a general market, Landseer's lions being
made useful as supports to string ropes of onions and bunches of turnips
and cabbages on, while t pedestal of Nelson's column might be fitted
round with slabs for fish and the fountains fixed with hooks for meat
and poultry. We verily believe were such a notion adopted, and the
market kept in the same dirty condition as most of our markets are,
Nelson would slide down his column disgusted and disappear for ever,
and the lions would turn colour, faint, and roll over, crushed by the
aroma of decayed fish and vegetable matter, and meat unfit for human

CERTAIN French "patriots" object to the performance of Wagner's
operas in Paris-on patriotic" grounds; yet these selfsame gentlemen
do not mind drinking German beer very freely, eating their food with
German knives, venturing on German sausages, and kissing German
girls who serve in the restaurants and shops. It's only German music
that stirs up ire in their savage breasts, instead of soothing them ; any-
thing else Teutonic they condescend to tolerate. The truth is, Wagner
spoke his mind once or twice about the grande nation in language as
vigorous as his musical compositions.

A WELSH lady, who had previously been fined 1io for stealing two
fowls, has now been mulcted in x5, and 3 13s. costs for stealing an
umbrella. We can understand a mean person in good circumstances
annexing a pair of fowls, though to do so is the act of a goose; but we
fail to comprehend the raison d'9tre for anyone stealing an umbrella-
an article that can be so easily borrowed and never returned. In fact,
nobody but a candidate for a lunatic asylum could be guilty of such
flighty conduct.

"Farewell, good Salisbury, and good luck go with thee.'
-ShAa., Hen. V., Act. iv. Sc. 3.
MONDAY, Feb. Ist.-A sombre atmosphere prevails in the Gilded
Chamber. Ministerial side, nominally in the Lords the most important,
especially impressed with the sweet, sad air of Resignation. Everybody
particularly grieved for the soon-to-be late Lord Chancellor, who, how-
ever, was Lord Chancellor earlier than generally expected.
The Tories are loud in their sighing for Salisbury,
But louder and deeper their wailing for Halsbury. ,-
The party, perceiving the terrible fall
That Halsbury burie-, of course burits all.


In announcing retirement Marquis rather mixed. Was just beginning
to speak of Gladstone's team as the late Government (when he didn't
call them the too late Government), now here they are, or here they
shortly will be again.
Rather livelier in the Commons. Here the new turn of the scale is
the "greatest good for the greatest number," for rumour that Parnellites
still going to remain in opposition, and substantially built Libs. like
Harcourt delighted at prospect of "moving to more commodious pre-
mises." Hicks-Beach "chucks up the sponge" for his side, and reports-
that Gladstone has crossed the Solent to kiss hands at Osborne. Ru-
moured adoption by G 0. M. of the three acres policy. At present
he's only got as far as Cow(e)r.
Grand Old Wood-chopper busy Cabinet-making. Hartington adopts
attitude of Colossus of Rhodes-one foot on each shore. Frantic efforts
to hook him with "Liberal umbrella," while Randy repeats, "Come
over and help us."
Thursday.-Acceptances out for the Ministerial Stakes. All in run or
not. The Lords decline to change seats unless bodily "chucked," but
in Commons "chassez cruise. Very Radical changes all round. No
Lord-Lieutenant appointed for Ireland, but John Morley going over as
Chief Secretary, so presumably "the Phaynix won't be deprived of
"reviews," though not in old style.

February 14th, 1886.
0 CHRISTMAS card of modern fashion,
You never can those notes replace,
That well expressed our youthful passion
In halting verse, and edged with lace.
It may be true that young and ancient
Do greet the innovation new,
That perfumed notes with love's sweet pain sent,
Are only sweet to lovers true.
But then there's nought in after living
That can excel that draught of wine,
When two their wealth of love are giving-
So don't forget the valentine.

ONE result of boycotting is the closing of the Kildare County In-
firmary. This will be a terrible blow to the ailing peasantry for miles
round. They will have to go without proper nourishment, nursing, and
medical advice; for the "patriots" who hold and spend the money
extorted from the lower classes of Hibernians are not likely to assist

FEBRUARY io, x886. Fl N 65

DONKEYS' EARs are the latest sweet things'" in bonnet decoration. In Paris they are made of grey felt, resembling the originals as closely as
possible. Not to let Frenchmen have all the credit of originating this sort of thing, Mr. FUN begs to present these two fashion-plates.

The Ducks' Feet Gloves. The Cock-a-doodfe-doo Costume. The Fallow-Deer Chapeau. The Vampire Mantle. The Bovine Bonnet.

The Piggee-Wiggee Visiting The Turkey Gown.

A Change in the Cast.
EXIT Salisbury-Chief Tory Actor-
Re-enter Mr. Gladstone-Liberal Lead,
To play the brle assumed by his detractor,
The "Understudy" Fate of late decreed.
A few short months the Understudy acted,
But that Tory star did scant applause obtain;
So Manager Fate his late decree retracted,
And sent for Mr. Gladstone back again.
The Tory actor soon began to bluster,
And all his claque applauded him with glee;
But small artistic feeling could he muster,
Therefore, in leading biz." he was at sea.
His claque all struggled boldly to uphold him,
But, look you, all their efforts were in vain;
For the Irish villains and low coms." soon sold him,
And therefore Gladstone is engaged again I
The Tory lead and low comedian Randy
(The latter pro sustained an Indian part)
Were not, as Manager Fate believed them, handy,
Although they fancied they were mighty smart.
Meanwhile, the Liberal "star," serenely "resting,"
Took on more study in another vein,
Well knowing, from the British public's jesting-
At S.'s freaks,-that he'd be called again.
The Public lost all patience when the Tory
Absurdly ranted in a slight Greek piece. -

The Angry Cock- The Fretful The Rattle-Snake
atoo Coiffure. Porcupine Din. Tea-Gown.
ner Robe.

He gained but hisses where he looked for glory;
From then his power did rapidly decrease.
And, next, an agricultural play by Collings,
He treated with ineffable disdain,
Till the House would not endure his lofty lollings,
But sent for Actor Gladstone back again.
And now this Grand Old Actor has re-entered,
Once more to lead the Theatre of the State;
The Eyes of Britain are upon him centred-
We look to him to give us something great.
'Tis thought an Irish rdle he'll first appear in-
A part requiring power and strength of brain;
Let's hope the stormy play entitled ERIN
Will be a hit, now Gladstone's back again !

IT is solemnly related by Mr. T. P. O'Connor, that when the-toast
to the health of Mr. Biggar is proposed at convivial meetings held by
the Home Rule Party, that Mr. B.'s "heart heaves, his face flushes,
he dashes his hand with nervous haste to his eyes, but the tears have
already risen and are rushing down his face." It would be interesting to
know at what period of the festivities Mr. B.'s health is usually drunk,
towards the close we surmise. Mr. O'Connor likewise states that when
Mr. Healy is betrayed into a rude expression "he goes home and
remains in sleepless contention throughout the night." This is really
very melancholy; the poor man must seldom get any rest. Some day
or other we may be upset by hearing that he has taken to chloral, if
things go on in this way.

IW To Cou =sw N~z=m.-Tk# XAWte ~AM ue S, hidMsg4t 0e ehuw~fedg, return., w pa~y /9" Conrout~~s5WJ 1x ucantS U'Ui th@ ii wd3-a"U
vaeu jv0id As'. ,Muuwd axd drwed muwlela


"k /

PEI flif

( Go vo F-Oq -w

HERE'S the Valentine season in all its severity,
Affecting receivers in various ways ;
Some display gladness, and some show asperity,
As you will see if you'll glance at each phase
Of the numerous figures our artist pourtrays.
Here are the juveniles sending and taking 'em,
Old folks annoyed at the shocking expense;
Here are old and young mashers-more vain Cupid's making 'em,
Thereby reducing their fraction of sense :
And here, too, are Valentine-buyers intense.

Remarkable I
"To think that a man so hale and hearty as he appeared to be, should
die so suddenly 1"
You may well be surprised I His hairdresser assures me that, in
spite of his seventy-six years, he had not asiagle grey hair in-his wig."

NATURALISTIC MEM.-Every dog has its day. The skittish collie
has its Bank-colly-day.

Lo, the poor postman, alert and industrious,
See how he's greeted on Valentine morn,
By some he's embraced as a person illustrious,
When he some sweet little token has borne-
But by others he almost to pieces is torn I
Behold, too, yon damsel, so fair and adorable-
Lo by each post batches reach her abode,
In consignments so large that her state gets deplorable;
Until, quite exhausted, she sinks neathh the load
Still reading sweet symbols of Love's mystic code.

(H)un-dred-ed I
A LOT about The Hundred Books we hear,
And the discussion is not nearly done;
And yet 'tis to the merest schoolboy clear,
That the best hundred volumes, far or near,
Would simply be One Hundred Vols. of FUN !

I R 'S E l HIlt' Cott lI ll I ,Di niA Great |a|y I| lk

A Packet Is .ol l l 1 11 lC I I I C-I I fII l

r" 'sI h pos ie. the
ALBVDrIeBD as smoothNly m a lead pencil, and neither scratch nor spua u Stc
"PRI 135D 61 80", ]DOT 1his Works, the points being rounded bya ne process. Six Prize Medals
11215 awrded. Assorted Sample Box, 6d.; post-ftee 7 stamps, from AA D D D U E

London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay. at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February ioth, x886.

Tn' U

FEBRUARY 17, I886.




LAWS, Ms15S '




A Dress-Cutting Association proposes to organise a Ball, at which all the Ladies' Dresses shall be home-made, and of native materials.

VOL. XLIII.-NO. 1084.


FEBRUARY 17, I886.

FREEMASONS' HALL.-It having been borne in upon Mr. Edwin
Drew (a gentleman who edits The /locutlionist, coaches aspirants to

the public reading-desk and concert platform, and organizes public
performances for them), that it would be a capital idea to give a Charles
Dickens' Birthday Entertainment, behoves him, as a practical man,
to put the idea into execution at once. As a consequence, therefore,
behold us on the evening of the 8th instant swelling the number of the
audience at an entertainment consisting of recitations from the works
of Dickens, interspersed with songs suggested by portions of the works
of Dickens, and given by ladies and gentlemen, all more or less unknown
to fame; several well-known professional names appearing in the early
provisional announcements having disappeared in the meanwhile.
Whether it was that this entertainment was looked upon as a species of
wholesome but unpalateable medicine, for which it was necessary to
hold out subsequent sugar as a bait to induce patients to swallow it, or
whether the associations of the Hall were too much for the management,
or whether (degrading thought 1) Dickens was felt to be an insufficient
attraction in himself, are questions more within the scope of the present
writer to suggest than determine ; but certain it is that the programme
of the evening included a ball-a costume ball-a costume ball, more-
over, restricted to characters in Dickens' novels.

THAT the notion was a good one, and even a somewhat novel one,
was not sufficient to guarantee it success-though matters might have
been worse, too. Iam inclined to think the songs and selections were a
mistake. It is a grievance of many lovers of Dickens that he is mostly
regarded as an extravagant humourist to the ignoring of his pathetic
powers. The programme presented on this occasion will go far to
remove this impression. The luxury of woe was luxuriantly indulged
in; except for Sergeant Buzfuz's speech all was sad and solemn, and I
cast my eye round in search of Mark Tapley, fully convinced that I
should read in his expressive countenance that he was "Jolly, sir, and
there's some credit in it this time." However, there was no Mark
to be seen ; and, indeed, the novelist's creations were but sparsely
WHEN I arrived upon the scene a lady was singing a French song
which seemed to have lost its way and got into the programme by
mistake; after which, Miss Virginia Blackwood, assisted by a sister,
revived a fading memory with a scene between Little Em'ly and Rosa
Dartle; next, a gentleman gave us "The Ivy Green" with some voice
but not much expression; Mr. Drew, himself, then obliged with the
"Death of Little Nell," during which the old Grandfather, accompanied
by Little Nell, most appropriately entered the hall. Miss Parkhurst
next appeared and sang "Little Nell" very pleasantly and with some
finish, giving place to another lady who sang what I presume she would
call "Ful-loating Away." a pretty song, by-the-way, and not so hack-
neyed as most of the "Dickensian" ditties. Mr. Drew, having recited
some not very happy verses in praise of the novelist, and treated us to a
piece of that somewhat childish form of humour which consists in
stringing together the titles of a given author's works in the shape of a
tale, this part of the business concluded with a feeble composition for
the piano, performed by the composer, and interrupted by the lonely but
enthusiastic applause of Master Bardell, a fidgetty young urchin who,
by allowing nature full play, acted his part to the life.

AN adjournment to the drawing-room, pending the removal of the
chairs and carpets for dancing purposes, brought us to closer quarters
with the disguised company, and I settled, with much satisfaction to

myself, what character each person was representing. I was much
wrong, however. By attentively listening to the questions of the
military-looking gentleman out of The Queen's Shilling, who so ably
represents a prominent "daily," and carefully noting the answers, I
found my Mr. Brownlow was Mr. Pecksniff; my Sam Weller, Kit: my
Maypole Hugh, Barnaby Rudge, raven and all (I hadn't noticed the
latter, and the gentleman was too clean for either of the parts); my
Cavalier-that-killed-the-little-boy (it was only after a lot of thinking that
I made him this), another Barnaby Rudge, and so on with ever so many
of them ; and some, whom I took to be representing themselves only,
surprised me by saying they were Agnes, Esther Summerson, and
others. Mrs. Weldon, as Serjeant Buzfuz, there was no mistaking,
however, nor her friend, Mrs. Bardell. I was also happy in my guesses
at three Dolly Vardens, a Grandfather, two little Nells, Little Em'ly.
Mrs. Squeers, Mr. George, Codlin and Short, Madame Mantalini, and
the Artful Dodger, before the ball-room was announced as ready, and
the company proceeded to enjoy themselves to the strains of a capital
band. If Mr. Drew intends trying this another year, and it were pity
to abandon a good idea, I wish him a livelier selection of songs and
recitations, and better luck.
THE HAYMARKET.-It's so long ago, but this is the first opportunity
I've had of mentioning it. A piece from the German by Mr. B. C.
Stephenson, and called A Woman of the World, was produced here at
a matinee recently. Its story is both conventional and uninteresting,
but it is cleverly enough written, and its characterisation is excep-
tionally happy. Two characters-a long-haired musical charlatan
and a withered, middle-aged man, who has seen life-were capitally
played by Messrs. Beerbohm Tree and Charles Brookfield, respectively.
Miss Helen Barry played a leading part, without much depth of style.

NODS AND WINKS.-To-day Miss Minnie Palmer repeats her per-
formances of the The Little Treasure and The Ring and the Keefer.-
At the Horns" Assembly Rooms, Kennington, Mr. Alfred Balfour
gave a capital entertainment of the variety order last night; he was
assisted by a number of well-known ladies and gentlemen, among whom
the sisters Mario, Misses Minnie Bell and Katie Lee, Messrs. Arthur
Lloyd, H. Wardroper, P. Beck, Tom Bass, and Arthur Corney con-
tributed largely to the pleasure of the audience and the success of the
show.-The Galley Slave has been produced at the Grand, the panto-
mime having finished its course on the 6th inst, after a success much
below its deserts.-Kenilworth has got through fifty performances and
is puffing along for the hundredth.-Miss Eugenie Edwards is going
on the Music Hall stage.-Mr. Charles Warner will probably assume
command of the Princess's while Mr. Barrett is in America, and
produce a new drama.-On Saturday week Madame Etelka Bony will
appear in Countess and Dancer at the Olympic, with Mr. Harrington

',. .. k' ,,.

Baily as director of the proceedings.-To-night, Mr. James Francis, of
the Mohawk Minstrels takes a benefit at the Agricultural Hall with a
"big" programme.-On the 9th of August Mr. Edward Compton &
Co. will commence a six months' occupancy of the Strand Theatre-I
hope he'll like it !-Mr. William Terniss announces that the Daly
Company will not appear in England until May "in consequence of the
great success of The Merry Wives of Windsor, in New York."

THE Social-Democratic Saints (bless 'em!) are always boasting of
their "propaganda." But surely they do not expect any honest work.
man to follow that propaganda, and thus become a proper-goose I

I 68

FEBRUARY 17, IS86. 69


THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER. dermott Solicitor-General for Ireland. Arthur Roberts lives in hopes
Post,-" Great lords, from Ireland am I come amain that Ministry may do something for him.
To signify that rebels there are up." Monday, Feb. 8.-Opposition establishment opered.
2nd Pt. Hen. 6, Act 3, Sc .
Messenger.-" The rebels are in Southwark ....
... a ragged multitude A Little Examination in Natural History Facts.
Of hinds and peasants, rude and merciless."
Cdem, Act 4 Sc. 4 Question-Of what religious sect are birds? An wer- Obviously
S ,, Question-Why should a secret not be told in the presence of birds ?
Answer-Because they are all tail-bearers.
Question-Why are rats like railway termini? Answer-Because
they are road-ends.
," ,, '' Question-What is the most unwholesome fish a lady can eat ?
L ,A Answer-The make-her-ill.
Question-Why are green peas eaten with ducklings? Answer-
-h.. ,'~" Because ducklings are eaten with green peas.
S./ .-- ,' Question-Why does the bull always toss with his horns? Answer-
Probably because he never has anything else to toss with.
'g Question-Why do birds choose Saint Valentine's Day for pairing, in
preference to the day before or the day after? Answer-Because that
S ^ particular day is the more fourteen-ate.
-7 Examining Professor (wiping profuse perspiration from his equally
g ^ bald and lofty brow):-The class is dismissed, and will not be re-
assembled until I have thoroughly recovered from the effects of this
S day's agonising trials.

A Matter of Opinion.
"IT is beautiful," said McPherson to Poltwattle last night, "it is
beautiful to hear the bonnie bagpipes-far awa' on the hills 1"
Grand Old Woodman busy sharpening his policy. Morley glad to "That's true," replied P. ; "and the farther awa' the hills are the
turn the stone for Gladstone, believing that one good turn deserves more beautiful it is I "
another. Chamberlain offered at first First Lordship of the Admiralty, There is now a likelihood of a border feud that only bluid can wash
but thinks "he never was meant for the sea as oot.
That junior partnership I ween
Was the only ship he ever had seen." IT has been unpleasantly proved in London lately how quickly and
Besides, Navy still comprises some sailing ships, and Joseph's experience how easily a parcel of greasy ruffians can be stirred up to wreck and rob
hitherto has been confined to screws, so accepts Local Governorship, the property of honest traders. Surely a time has come when seditious
Harcourt's chequered fate lands him in Exchequer, doesn't mean to speakers in our country should be arrested and punished with the utmost
budge even at terrors of the Budget. Childers relegated to Home rigour of the law. Were a few treasonmongers hanged, things would
Office-quite at Home there. Intending murderers rejoice at prospect settle down.
of H.M.'s pardon, but they may be mistaken in this Child-ers. Rose-
bery Foreign Secretary, so European outlook prim-rosy. The Mac. IN THE (CRON)-MIRB.-The infant stockbroker.

(Continued from the week before last.)


Jones's next tenant was a tramp. There wasn't any agreement. The tramp
simply got in in the night, and next morning Jones found him inside.

"Come out !" said Jones; but the new tenant refused.

"Hum I" said the policeman, "Ican't turn him out. You'll have to apply to him for the rent for three years; and then, if he doesn't pay it, you can obtain a
summons; and after another three years, I fancy, you can- Ah, thankee!" said Jones.

But the tramp went away after a year or two; and the joyful Jones was So poor Jones, chastened by bitter experience, waited until the dog decided
about to take possession of his house when he perceived that a stray dog had to go. Then Jones pounced upon his house, and nailed up all the doors and
got in. "Can t turn him out, of course?" said Jones to the policeman (for windows, and placed man-traps inside, and watched night and day. The next
Jones had learned a little about the law of landlord and tenant by this time). applicant who wanted to take it was a most respectable bishop. Go away I "
shrieked Jones. Never-save over my lifeless corse I"


I 'TfN .-FEBRUARY 17, 1886.


A GENTLEMAN over seventy years of age writes to a contemporary
stating that he has been very much benefited at various times by having
been put into damp beds in hotels. This
gentleman must be a relation of the elderly
Johnnies, who maintain that the effluvia from
drains is exceedingly wholesome for persons
suffering from liver complaint-that consump-
tion is usually produced by the baneful habit
of wearing overcoats and sealskin sacques in
\ ( bitterly cold weather-that a diet of buttered
crabs, curried lobsters, pork chops, crumpets,
and yeast dumplings, will infallibly cure the
S%'worst cases of dyspepsia-and that sleeping
4: with the windows open, and sitting in draughts,
S\ are the finest remedies in the world for bron-

AT a pawnbrokers' ball held in Sheffield lately, "Old China" was
the suggestive title of the first dance. Beginning so well, it seems a
pity that the ancient "Tommy Make Room for Your Uncle" quadrille
was not included in the programme.
CAPTAIN SHAW seems "sartin sure" that very nearly twenty per
cent. of the fires which take place in London are incendiary. It is sug-
gested that the matter should be investigated. Investigation will not
check arson so rapidly as flogging would. This punishment ought to be
inflicted on the wretches who endanger the lives of their fellow-creatures
by firing premises in order to filch insurance money.
A MALE party, who has reluctantly consented to a separation from his
wife, stated in court that he had much difficulty in getting her to rise in
the morning to prepare his breakfast. When I try to make her rise,"
he cried in pathetic tones, I can see her brows black like the gathering
storms, and she hurls all sorts of epithets at me." The male party's
method of urging her to get out of bed appears to have been somewhat
drastic, for he remarked, I throw the clothes off her feet, take her by
the two ankles, and leave her sitting there." "There," on the floor,
we presume he meant. Annoyed by this treatment, the lady on several
occasions expressed her conviction that he ought to be poisoned, and
suggested that there was every possibility of his quitting a world of pain
through the agency of some deadly drug. This is a case where Shake-
speare's words on marriage altering the temper of both sexes may be
well applied:-" Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky
changes when they are wives. I will weep for nothing, like Diana in
the fountain, and I will do that when you are disposed to be merry; I
will laugh like a hyena, and that when thou art disposed to sleep."
A MEMBER of the Salvation Army has really fallen in action at last.
During a fight in Paris between the Salvationists and their antagonists,
a "soldier" received such injuries that he has gone (we hope) to a place
where big drums and discordant howls are unknown. The reformed
" pugilist" element of the S. A. was not well represented in this battle.
This shows some neglect on the general's part.
JOHN W. MACKAY, the Bonanza King in America, spends from x2
to 20 every day for his late dinner. Of course he does not eat and
drink the entire value for his money alone. He generally has two or
three friends to assist him. It is reported that his doctor's bill is rather
a heavy one, but this may be a mere canard, as his digestion is said to
be as good as his credit, -____
THE Jaboka-Nagas and the Banparas have been going for each other
desperately on the Assam frontier, though the tribes intermarry. This
is how it came about. A Jaboka-Naga lady married to a Jaboka-Naga
gentleman neglected to invite ten Banpara ladies to a dance she gave,
because the said ladies bad one and all procured divorces from her hus-
band; and knowing him to be a highly sensitive man, she feared hurting
his feelings. Her conduct gave grave offence to the Banparas. On the
other hand, the Jaboka-Nagas had a grievance against the Banparas.
It seems that not only had this tribe sneaked a missionary's skull and
dried ears, which belonged by right of conquest to the Jaboka-Nagas,
but they had also annexed a quantity of sweet refreshing rum. The loss
of that cooling drink was the last straw, and hostilities commenced.

A GIPSY has successfully played an old trick on a verdant:American
farmer. The vagrant persuaded the tiller of the soil to bury twenty-five
dollars at the root of a tree, by fervently asserting that the money would
increase rapidly, as the spot was a charmed one. Shortly afterwards
the simple farmer found that his twenty-five dollars had grown to fifty.
This miracle induced him to deposit all his available cash in the same
spot. He is now hunting for his money-and the gipsy-with a revolver
and a bowie knife.


OF course our Mr. FON knows 'em all very well indeed; and then he
has such a pleasant, chaffy little way with him; and, as everybody
knows, you can always get people to do things that way; and who ever
took offence at what our Mr. FUN said ? At anyrate, he managed it;
and this is how it was done.
Can't get any work, and your family are starving, eh ? And you
think the Government Departments might manage to give you some
work once in a way ? And you can't see what obstacle- ? He I he I
I can see the obstacle; but we'll soon remove that. Come along."
This was what our Mr. FUN said to the Unemployed; and then off they
went together to have a talk to a gentleman who did contracts for the
Government. They found him dining off diamonds.
"How de do?" said FUN. "This good fellow wants the Govern-
ment Departments to give him some work-d'ye see ? "
Ah I-of course I'm not the Departments, and it isn't my business;
but I'm afraid they can't afford to-"
Capital joke! No, they can't. But they could afford it if you
would just let 'em off a little cheaper-say, for six months," said FUN,
as he winked consumedly and dug the contractor in the ribs. "Now,
what shall we put down as the sum you swindle 'em out of annually?
Shall we say twenty thousand pounds ? Well, now, what d'ye say to
taking only your fair (and very considerable) profits, and letting 'em off
the ten thou. of extra swindlement this half-year, eh? That'd put 'em
in a position to-eh? "
By Jove I you're right, as usual, Mr. FUN. I'll do it," said the
contractor genially; and they shook hands cordially over it.
Then FUN went to see a Departmental official.
"How do ?" he said. I say, look here. This man wants employ-
ment. Now-d'ye see ?-s'pose you were to leave off muddling like a
pig for the next six months-leave off buying stores you don't want, and
then letting them decay, and then selling them dirt cheap, and then
rebuying the same identical damaged articles next day at fifty times their
value, for instance-you might save the Department about-ah I--"
Let me see," said the official frankly, "about half a million, I put
it at. My dear fellow, I will I" And they shook hands and grinned.
That is how it was done; you can do such a lot with a little geniality.

(When a portion of the ceiling of the Chancery Courts fell during a sitting, a few
days ago, Mr. Justice Chitty remarked,'' Fiat justitiarunat coelum. '-(Loud laughter.)
JUSTICES' jokes are seldom very terse,
Yea, some are of a kind that people sigh at;
But Chitty's joke re fiat" might be worse;
At least, it isn't one you need cry Fie "-at !"

A Rat(e)-ification.
KEEP down the rates 1" exclaims an evening print.
Perhaps you'll say, "At rates and taxes why rate ?"
But herein you will find a powerful hint
That this high rating makes most people i-rate I

Fancy Dress.
THE termination to this year's series of "Prince's Cinderellas," which
are given for the benefit of the Chelsea Hospital for Women, will be a
Fancy Dress Ball on March I, at Prince's Hall, Piccadilly. All who
are disposed to aid so worthy an institution should make a point of
dancing attendance at this ball.

72 FEBRUARY 17, 1886.

FEBRUARY 17, i886. F UTJN'. 73

Doctor or Quack ?
[The Standard chaffs Lord Randolph unmercifully because he con-
sented to speak at a course of lectures given by the National Health
Society, the motto of which is, "'Prevention is better than cure."]
THE Standard is hard on poor Randy
For assisting the grand N. H. S.;
He imagined, no doubt, he'd be handy,
Though we don't know in what, we confess.
But 'twas wrong thus to throw a wet blanket
On our late little Indian Sec.,
Yes, as very ungracious, we rank it.
For the Standard young Churchill to check.
For the N. H. S. labours respect should ensure,
With its motto, Prevention is better than cure !"
Yet, mayhap, that journal tried guyingg"
West Paddington's plucky M.P.,
When it found Solly's Government dying,
In spite of the aid of R. C.
Though that Government sought his assistance,
Yet Randy could give no relief,
It had but a six months' existence,
Which you'll own was exceedingly brief.
When Land Reform failed Tory votes to allure,
'Twas found that "Prevention was better than cure I"
The Conservative plan is unstable,
It works but by bounce and by stealth;
So, of course to prescribe, 'tis not able,
For the nation's political health.
And so, in the late consultation
O'er the struggling land-tiller's distress
(Which prevaileth, alas I in this nation),
Doctor G. quite upset Doctor S.
S. fain would prevent this appeal of the poor,
But that's not the "Prevention that's better than cure I"

Rites an' Rongs.
Now, him wot rites fur them wot larfs,
An' sings like larks at hurley morn,
Is jist a 'oss wots in the shares,
A-draggin' other 'osses' corn.
But him wot rites fur them wot sucks
'Is branes, an' calls 'em all their hone,
An' with his lines plays drakes an' ducks,
'Ad best ways leev the job alone.

So the times are bad, are they? Who said they ain't? One can't
get a decent cup of coffee now, anywhere. A fellow brought me a cup
last night at "Coodles." I could hardly swallow it, sir-chicory in it,
sir, iew chicory. One can't get a decent umbrella now. Mere flimsy
things that smash to pieces at once. The tasse of curacoa I had with it
tasted of nothing but common orange peel. I should think the times
were bad. Think of the poor, you say. Hang the poor, I say; hang
'em all up. I don't believe in 'em a bit-never did believe in'em. Let
'em work, sir. But they haven't got any work? Let 'em make work,
sir. Let 'em go and break stones-that would give 'emr an appetite. It
would do their livers a lot of good. It all comes of over-feeding, I tell
The Hindoos can do with a handful of rice and a pot of water. They
ought to be able to do with a loaf and a pint of gruel. Good healthy
food, I tell you, sir. I shouldn't like to go without food. Shouldn't I,
sir? I've often enough gone without breakfast when I've been up late
at whist, and took a little more than usual. I rather like going with-
out it; then why can't they go without it? That's reason and logic,
and all the rest of it. I hate beggars, sir, and there's a great many too
many of 'em about. How would I manage 'em? I'd manage 'em right
enough. I saw the iron riots in Belgium. Lot I bless you, they shot
about half-a-dozen in no time, the soldiers did. Then they all went
home to their teas afterwards, and things were settled all "quiet and
comfortable." "When a man's hungry," my old friend, George Pickle,
of the Madras Cavalry, used to say, "shoot him; he gets restless,
and all that sort of thing, like the tigers." He was a very sensible old
beggar, Pickle was. I wish he'd moved a bit more and sat in the
House. He would have made things move a bit in the right direction.
He would have been a good Home Secretary to put the screw on.
Tell you what it is with these riots, we don't go to work smart
enough. You know, when Henderson swept all the fellows out of the
Haymarket, that was quite the right thing. When a lot of people meet

Young Sawney Green (who fancies he's making an impression on the Pretty-

together, sweep 'em off, I say; sweep 'em off. I tell you what it is, we
don't want any of the old Chartist tomfoolery over again. I'd like to
see the houses, though, in Bridge Street, Blackfriars, with the soldiers
in 'em again, only I should like to see 'em blazing away. The Iron
Dook settled the Chartists. I wish he was here over again. What
shall we do with the unemployed? Why, set 'em to work pick-
ing oakum; that's the best thing that I know of. If there are
more rows, I shall have to be a special constable. Shall I be a
special constable? Not I; you don't catch me turning out of bed,
with a wooden staff stuck in my coat tails, not to please anybody.
Fancy me having eggs and things thrown at my head by voters. I
wouldn't stand such nonsense. Louis Napoleon, I remember, was a
special in the old row, St. James's way. He didn't come to any good,
and I shouldn't come to any good if I were a special. But I'll give
something to the charitable fund? No, sir. I shall not give one
farthing, sir. Think of the expenses I've had this winter. They've
stuck up the club subscription and put a shilling on Chambertin. You
expect me to give money to a lot of vagabonds when things are like
this. Then you expect very wrongly. I am a man of principle, sir, and
stick to what I say. When people go in for starving, it's their business,
and not mine. I have quite enough to do to look after my own affairs,
I can tell you, without troubling myself too much about other people
Supposing I get indigestion, what working man would trouble about me.
I had curried prawns the other night, and was seedy the next morning.
No working man said he was sorry for me. Hang 'em all. I wouldn't
give a farthing. So there, sir I DIOGENES TUBBS.

Lawn Tennis.
How to Play. By Our Own Lawn Tennison.
FIRST catch your lawn, then go court-ing with a partner; and it she
does not know how to play it, you never will. She catches you in the
net, and becomes batter or worse, if your "enemy" does not.

74I F U N FEBRUARY 17, x886,

IT's a-gitting a bit too 'ot, that it is !" said Bill the Workman. "A
deal too 'ot; I dunnow how much longer I can stand it."
"What, is it that Thing been at you agen ?" said Mrs. Bill.
"Ar," replied Bill; that's it. When it ain't at my elber it's under
my feet a-trippin' of me up; and when it ain't in my eye, so as I can't
see, it's in my mouth, so that I can't eat my bit o' dinner in peace. It
isn't such luxerous dinner, nor so much of it neither, but wot that Thing
might let me 'ave it in peace. There I-there's the brute of a Thing
again, running' across the floor, and I can't never be quick enough to
stamp on it."
It certainly was a very nasty thing that Bill the Workman pointed
out: we can't exactly describe it, but we may say that it was a thing
calculated to inspire disgust and contempt in the mind of any one who
happened to catch sight of it; and it took good care that a great many
people should catch sight of it. Bill the Workman, and the "missus,"
and the "young 'uns," chased it desperately round the room; but it
managed to elude them, and escape into some dark corner or other.
It was not long, however, before Bill saw it again. This time he was
on his way to the little bit of work which he had managed, after much
difficulty and semi-starvation, to obtain. It was button-holing the
Public, and whispering busily in his ear; and when it caught sight of
Bill advancing with his hammer upraised, it slid away into one of the
dark holes again.
"Beg pardon, guv'nor," said Bill the Working Man to the Public ;
"but you seem to be very thick with that Thing. P'r'aps you don't
happenn to know what it is you're a-keeping company with ?"
"Oh, dear, yes I" replied the Public. "He has just been telling me
who he is. He is Bill the Working Man--"
"Wot !" cried Bill; "it's been and dared to tell you as it's Bill
Certainly. He says so; and he also says times are so hard that an
honest, industrious man-meaning himself-can't earn enough to keep
body and soul together; and that, in consequence, he intends to go in
for rioting, and violence, and overthrowing society, and taking what he
wants by force from everybody better off than himself ; and that he is
going to hold a great meeting in Trafalgar Square, and take platforms
by storm, and-"

"Wot ?" shouted Bill. "Why, I'm the Working Man; and it's me
that can't get any work, and am going to hold the meeting; but I ain't
a-going to commit no violence, nor overthrow ennythink, nor rob no-
body. All I want to do is to let you know how matters stand; and if
I do get hold of that Thing at my meeting-I"
Well, Bill the Working Man attended his meeting; and the very first
object that caught his eye there was a something made up in a mask
painted in resemblance-(though it was a poor caricature, after all)-of
Bill himself. Then Bill the Working Man watched his opportunity;
and just as the Public was about to hold out a helping hand to the ficti-
tious working man, Bill brought down his heavy hob-nailed boot upon
it with a tremendous crash, and the mask was shivered to atoms, and
the disgusting Thing lay crushed out of all shape in the middle of Tra-
falgar Square.
"Whew l-now I see it all. What a nasty creature I Whatever was
it?" said the Public.
"Why, the Social Democrat-that's wot it was," said Bill. "And
now, p'r'aps, you'll be able to see me a bit plainer."

"JACK ANDJILL'S 5 : 5: o Diophantine Comfetitionis indeed Your-
nalistic Novelty. Every copy has a Distinctive Number in Red on the Front
Page. Thearithmeticalfroblem isas easyasABC. Everyone should compete.


SIR,-I've not yet recovered from that accident; indeed, I am still
keeping my bed. It's rather dull, except that there's a soor, as they
call her, who comes in occasionally and reads a bit. I don't understand
half she says, nor anything she reads, and she doesn't know a word ot
English, and thinks Ruff's Guide is a hymn-book, so a visit from her
always livens me up a bit. I've just recited the following bit of verse
to her; she thinks its a hymn out of the book, and says it's "sharmong."
You, however, know well enough that it is only my
To this riddle (or this rebus)
Is the answer, think you, Phoebus
Anyway at all?
Wingrave ought to be the feller
If the Iris, shower-dispeller,
Answer not the call.
Sad and doleful were the pity
If you paltered with Gay City,
Likeliest of dogs.
Coleraine's a likely loser,
Arawa will please the chooser,
When ahead it jogs.
But, oh betting friend of mine,
Think you well of Miss Glendyne,
If you mean to win;
And, I pray you, wonder not,
There's a chance for Greater Scot
You should all be in.
That's all at present. I think I shall get across home next week but
one at the latest, meantime nothing seems to do me so much good as
cheques-except P.O.O.'s.-Yours, &c,, TROPHONIUS.

Laud William Ewart Gladstone I
[Her Majesty has more than once offered to Mr. Gladstone the honour-of being
shunted to the House of Lords.]
FOR Tory hacks, who've weary grown
Of snatching place and piling pelf,
A fit reward is to be thrown 4- -1
A peerage-then, "upon the shelf;"
But Gladstone ?-rightly treasures he
His old name's immortality.

New Leaves.
THERE are many especially especially clever and interesting drawings in The
Century this month, and also in St. Nicholas.-Knowledge requires
that careful reading should be followed by careful thinking to utilise its
supplies.-It is truly said, "There is something suitable for every mem-
ber of the family circle" in Household Words,-and there is enough to
satisfy both young and old in the Leisure Hour, The Sunday at I-mne,
The Boy's Own Paper, and The Girl's Own Paper.-The costumes
this month in The Ladies' Gazette of Fashion are of the usual elegant
and costly character, though perhaps not so extravagant as they some-
times are in other respects.

THE PIANOFORTz PLAYER'S MOTTO.-" Practise" makes perfect.

FEBRUARY 17, I886. IFU N 75

Now that a gentleman of fashion has started a milliner's establishment, and a lady of title has followed suit, the aristocracy will possibly go in or trade ad lib.

Why shouldn't His Grace the Duke of Portandsherry And the Dowager Duchess of Duckwuddle vend Profitable employment might be found for the
plunge into the al fresco fish business ? the gentle trotter, graceful Masher.
'~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ I I 1 1 1 i1. i t n1^j 'i.

And Captains in the Guards might What more suitable calling could be wished for by the ladies than the And an opening in the Cheapside gut-
utilise their spare time. itinerant flower hawking ? ter is doubtless available for many an
impecunious Baronet.

The Grand Old Paddy.
[In criticising a book on Ireland, by an Irish writer, the other day, Mr. Gladstone
said (in a letter to the author), "So, you see, I am as much an Irishman as you-
perhaps more so I "]
OCH I is anny true Oirishman here ?
If so, let him quickly appear;
An' Oi'll prove to the elf
-W That Oi'm Oirish meself,
An 'av that there is not the last fear.
So O'ill cheer,
Och, here's luck to ye, Erin, me dear I
See here, now I this shtick, gra Machree,
Be meself it was cut from a three;
Shure, whin choppin' down oaks,
Wid me axe's bould strokes,
'" This," says I, my shillelagh shall be-
All for me !"
So Oi brawt it away, d'ye see ?
Shure, an Oirishman raycently wrote
/ A book which he thought was av note;
But Oi gave him a dig
Wid this darlint small twig;
An' if still on his scheme he should dote,
S / An' should gloat,
7 / Let him thread on the tail av me coat 1
Three courses are all to me hand,

In kapin' an oi on this land;
An' share it's the Grake
Oi can fluently spake;
An' O'im dreaded be Salisbury's band;
They can't stand
The soight av this Paddy so grand.

All Hot!
A WARMING-PAN Ministry," Tories now call
The Cabinet recently formed ;
Which statement, you'll own, shows a measure of gall,
And proves they, at least, have been warmed.
Tories roll up their eyes in a style Puritanic,
But the warming-pan's" caused them a great warming-pan-ic I

THE Egyptian soldiers are not likely to worship Mukhtar Pasha.
This gallant officer proposes reducing the yearly cost of the Egyptian
Army., At present the weekly wage of the Egyptian warrior is eighteen-
pence a week; and the sum total of his expense to the government is
3o per annum. Mukhtar wishes to simmer this down to 20o. The
lean Egyptian Tommy Atkins has very little stomach for the fight as
it is. Under Mukhtar's scheme he will have no stomach at all, either
in peace or in war.


W" To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, reurnt, or fiaytor Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accoromanied bya stamped and directed envelope.

76 FEBRUARY 17, 1886.

THE WRETCH! [Indignation of Fourth Party.
Conductor (referring to the third Passenger on his right).-" KINDLY ASK THE HOLD LADY ON THE RIGHT TO PASS HER FARE, SIR."
Major Peppercorn (to the fourth Passenger).-" MAY I PASS YOUR FARE, MADAM?"

The Modern Dogberry. For that most tolerable is, Nay, your great soul's desecration,
(SEE CARTOON.) And not to be endured." Any longer here to dwell-
Where the milkmaids can't make butter,
THE Modern Dogberny has just At any rate, the force in blue And the blacksmiths are such utter,
Appeared upon the scene, Did neither keep them quiet, Dire, duffers all, as well ?
And surely in this manner must Nor comprehend" the vagrom crew,
His sage commands have been :- Nor yet arrest a riot. Do look up your geography,
"As dogs delight to bark and bite You'd fare so well in Rome I
And citizens appal,
Unlessd they have been muzzled right Fors Clavigera. To Africa, why don't you go,
You'll comprehend them all My political teaching has never changed in a To Timbuctoo, to Jericho-
ou'll comprehend them all. single word or thought, and being that of Homer and Or anywhere from home ?
But when it comes to varom men, Plato, is not likely to do so, though not acceptable to the
i e, wisdom of a country whose milkmaids cannot make
Who ramp upon the spree, butter, nor her blacksmiths bayonets." Mr. John Butter Late than Never.
It were most fit and senseless then Ruskin in the Daily Telegrafil.]
That you should muzzled be. IN the name of all that's wonderful, passed by which all of leo-margerine has to be
"Comparisons are odorous, Contemptible, and blunderful, coloured pink.
As well as London fogs; 0 Mr. Ruskin, say,
Yet vagrom men, though riotous, How, in this God-forgotten land, What is it to us what Americans think,
Shall not be served like dogs. (As England is, on every hand), Or what matter to us the tint that they
And if they pick up stones to whiz, Can you elect to stay ? make it;
"And if they pick up stones to whiz, What odds that they're willing to colour it pink,
They must not be secured;. Is it not rank profanation, If we are not red-dy to take it ?


"Gives a mirror-like d '
surface to the grate, and
for cleanliness and econ-
omy excels all others."- 1 CAUTIO .-If
Vid, Lady's Pictoriat. D Cocoa thickens in the
sup, it proven the
BLACK LEAD .dditon of Sarc..C
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February 17th, 1886.

FEBRUARY 24, x886, 77



To~ 0


/.v /^ 3SURE..-




VOL. XLIII,-NO. 1085.


you M


FEBRUARY 24, 1886.

THE ST. JAMES'S.-When an author (or an "adapter," or even a
"translator," if he insists upon the expression) of a play, becomes so

1 'j|j

alarmed and demoralised at the whirlwind of applause which he has
raised, as to flee from his box and bury himself some certain fathoms
beneath great coats, door mats, and side wings, rather than face the
audience, whose just approval he has incurred, the safety and success of
the piece concerned is pretty well assured; and as this, allowing for the
natural (or unnatural) colour indulged in by the picturesque reporter,
is exactly what happened at the conclusion of Antoinette Rigaud, as
translated from M. Deslandes by Mr. Ernest Warren, and presented
at the St. James's on the evening of the 15th, author, adapter, manager,
actress and actor may look forward with security to a happy time for the
next six months or so.
THE story of the piece is certainly "thin and1with less admirable
acting than that of the St. James's company, the play might run some
risk of disaster. Mr. Warren, however, has done his work with ex-
cellent vigour and expertness, in good cultured, straightforward
English, with no straining for effect, and when the rather over explana-
tory first act is done with, it is curious how the attention becomes
riveted by, and the interest sustained in, not over new materials.

THE acting, as I have hinted, is of the high order generally associated
with the house. Mr. Hare's appearance is a pleasure in itself, even
when not backed by the truth, character, and tenderness of his portrait
of the old General. Mr. Kendal is not the strongest actor I know,
but, in possession of a popular part, and with the exercise of some
discretion, he manages to make a good figure as the chivalrous Henri
de Tourvel. But, if two-thirds of the success of the play is due to the
acting (and that, I think, is a fair computation), one half of that two-
thirds is certainly due to the magnificent delineation of the varying
emotions of Antoinette by Mrs. Kendal. Within the limits of the part,
nothing could be finer. Mr. Barnes gives such a'bluff, hearty rendering
of the husband, that one feels quite friendly with him in about five
minutes, and wonders what in the world Antoinette can be thinking of
to prefer "the other feller." It is a very English translation, but,
personally, I like it, and I dare say most people will. Mr. Waring
plays "the other feller" fairly, and Miss Linda Dietz makes a very
nice Marie, but the strain upon her powers is not enormous.

TOOLE'S.-Mr. Burnand was very active recently in arguing in favour
of the not-so-very-modern theory that critics should not be invited for
first nights, when they cannot form a fair idea of what is intended, all
being excitement and unpreparedness, but should be reserved for a time
when the piece has got into working order, and can show. more clearly
what it means. Whether it wouldn't be as well to get it into working
order beforehand is another matter. The state of Faust and Loose here
on its initial performance (if reports be veracious) suggests that he was
determined to prove the truth of his postulate, at any rate, in his own
case, for the upside-down condition of everything might well have pre-
vented any of his intentions transpiring; but even with this advan-
tage, his arguments were proved fallacious, for we did know what
he was driving at, although his failure to attain his end deprived us of
satisfaction on that head. (Besides, inter alia, the state of preparation
is part of the matter to be criticised).

I SAw the piece when it was a fortnight old and the scenery wasn't
comfortable then, and probably never will be. The fact is a burlesque

upon the Lyceum Faust must resolve itself largely into a caricature of
the elaborate effects of that production, and Mr. Toole's stage is by far
too small for such a purpose. There isn't room for the necessary
number of carpenters to begin with. Mr. Toole was obviously suffering
from a severe cold and hoarseness too on the occasion of my visit, so
that his magnificent organ was not available for the musical portion of
his otherwise comical Mephistopheles. This impersonation is evidently
founded upon the most respectable traditions, whether there is more
suggestion-of Harley or Quinn in the performance is matter for argu-
ment; perhaps there is a combination of the two, but it is certainly very
fine, and why does Mephistopheles say Don't cher know '" is the
title of an essay I propose writing in a magazine at the earliest
IN Miss Marie Linden and Mr. Ward Mr. Toole has two capital,
mimics in his company. The lady's light touch of Miss Terry (they
tell me she didn't do it at first) is very piquant, if not quite so pro-
nounced as her sister's, and Mr. Ward's occasional touch of Irving is
funny (if you want to know why Faust should imitate Mephistopheles
you must go and see for yourself). Mr. Shelton, who is a first-class
burlesque actor, makes good capital out of "Margaret's mother," and
Mr. W. Brunton throws some liveliness into the part of Valentine,trans-
formed for the nonce into a policeman. Altogether a merrier hour may
be passed in the presence of this piece than at many places and it forms
a capital wind-up to an evening of laughter over Going it which is still
the main piece here.
THE SAVOY.-Mr. Carte seems to be in some sort a convert to Mr.
Burnand's theory mentioned above, for, for a new first piece called The
Carp, which was produced on Thursday, the management only called
for the critical verdict on Saturday. Well, I've no objection to the
arrangement, I'm sure (though, if I were a "daily," I think I should
have been there on Thursday); and the Savoy is the last house to be
suspected of want of preparation. The little piece itself-a musical
one, and seemingly written in blank verse-is a capital (I'd nearly
written carp-ital 1)-one. It contains a quaint idea, though in subject
and working the Gilbertian influence is strong, set to some really
excellent and pretty music. Mr. Frank Desprez is responsible for the
libretto, and Mr. Cellier for the music of the trifle, which is admirably
acted by Miss Josephine Lindley and Mr. C. Hildesley as a pair (or
rather half of two pairs) of romantic lovers with suicidal intents, and
Mr. Eric Lewis, as an old fisherman, and which forms a pleasant
prelude to the unabated attractions of The Mikado.

NODS AND WINKS.-Mrs, Henrietta Chanfrau, an American lady,
has put in her appearance at the Grand Theatre. The piece she appears
in is not of a kind calculated to show her to much advantage, but there
are sufficient indications of her style and qualifications to foster the belief


that, judging from the eulogistic notices previously distributed by circular,
the American critics number some venal individuals among their number,
or some remarkably bad judges.-Mr. J. N. Ellaby, B.A., gave an
afternoon recital at St. James's Hall on Saturday afternoon, the 13th
inst., and proposes repeating it on the 2oth and 27th; Ellaby's 'ere's
another-reciter I "-There is a talk of cheap Italian opera at Her
Majesty's anon-Well, we shall see. NESTOR.

A Prime Minister iz a taxing masheen, and a Member of Parlement
without a hobby iz an umbrella with the stik pulled owt.-O. E, POTTS.

FEBRUARY 24, 1886. FU N 79

LONDON is amply supplied just now with Indian and Japanese "villages." But why shouldn't Bombay and Yotohama be treated to a London "village" or two?
Here are some samples of artificers, &c., who might be shown at work.

Native (!) Musicians.

Native Juggler, or Professor or Legerdemain.

I HAVE seen, Sir, some odd fish at the Aquarium in my time, so I was
not much surprised, I may say, when I received an invitation asking me
to come and see its latest zoological wonder, the White Gorilla.
The late Dr. Darwin, I am sorry to say, I never had the good fortune
to meet. I am the more sorry for this, because I had quite made up my
mind, if I ever did see him, to lead him on to talk of his monkey-man
evolution theory, and to seize a fitting opportunity to exclaim, "Ah I yes,
worthy Doctor, methinks you are but too right. 'Ape'-pearances, I
must allow, are strangely in favour of your theory 1"
But, as you know, Sir, Doctor Darwin passed away before I could
arrange a meeting; so that, in effect, I looked upon it as still-born, and
you may, therefore, judge of my delight when, on receiving the invitation
to visit the White Gorilla, it struck me that a chance would probably
occur for reviving my so far abortive iokelet.
I jotted down a few other Apropos quips, too, on my way to Westminster,
so that, when at length I was introduced into the presence of the lusus
natur-e, I was prepared to give a taste of my E. S. quality.
"Does he eat much, sir ?" I inquired, turning to its keeper.
"Eat?" echoed the man, "eat? I should rather think he did eat,
too I Why, he'd eat most people out of house and home in a week."
"Dear me I exclaimed, quite a white elephant, I fear 1"
"Pardon me, sir," said an exceptionally obtuse party on my right,
who was, by special permissions measuring the gorilla's arms with a yard
measure, "but the wonderful creature before us is a white gorilla."
Is it now, really ?" I returned, with bitter irony; and then, resolving
on the spur of the moment to risk all by varying my intended quip, I-went
on, Why I was mistaken. Ape '-pearances are proverbially deceptive,"
Had there been a dinner table handy, I believe that my waggish

remark would have set it in a roar. As it was, however, the laugh did
nt go round as I expected. It was, in fact, too faint to go anywhere.
So seizing the obtuse party by the arms as he knelt to measure, still
with the yard stick, the W. G 's toes, I exclaimed with well-feigned in-
dignation, What, sir I You, a practical naturalist, measuring an
animal's feet with anything but a two-foot' rule ? "
The two-foot" quip told, Sir; every inch of it. I felt I had gained
the ears of the company present, as I said to the keeper, Do you find
your gorilla beats the tattoo on his breast much with his drum-sticks ? "
In his dry way the keeper scored one, I think, as he replied, Well,
no, sir; you see this part of the building ain't licensed for music,"
And yet I see you allow him to fiddle' with his chain," I retorted
with that firework-like brilliancy of repartee which has long caused me
to be accepted as a nice young man for a repar-tea-party."
This time the answering laugh was strong enough to go round twice.
At this juncture the saying about a Pride that apes humility came
into my head, and I retired behind a show case to try and work it up.
After a short but sharp mental struggle, I gave up the attempt, and
I felt, Sir, I wasn't being very Extra-Specially brilliant, so I resolved
not to remain much longer. But just then the manager of the Aqua-
rium came up, and, patting me on the back, said, "Well, my dear
Ex'ra, that's hard to beat, eh? and he pointed to the W. G.
Hard ?" I echoed. "Not at all. If you'll only tie it up I could,
if I were not so fond of dumb animals, beat it like a carpet."
Oh, I don't mean that I" replied the manager. I mean we have
beaten the records. I look on yonder brute as a zoological climax "
"Which shows," I answered quickly, "'that you have never been on
the staff of a comic journal, or you would have called it, not a zoological
climax, but the very ape-x of zoological discovery 1"
And then, with a furtive wink at the White Gorilla, now fiddlingg
with its chain in quite a violint" manner, I made tracks.

Native Ivory Turners.

Native Sausage-Maker. Native Jerry-Builder and Gang of Labourers.

Native Sfinner,


FEBRUARY 24, I886.


Home Rule Split!

THEnewscomesupsopat and fresh- Really don't know what to do.
Mr. Biggar will secesh. So sad the prospect now appears,
Mr. Parnell don't know, really, All Westminster's a vale of tears,
What will do the mighty Healy. Still the best advice will be-
The G. 0. M., and Randy too, When -'s fall out wise men agree.

IT iz kureus to note how the most arduous jobs are done for the
smawlest remewnerashun, the number of big things that are dun four
a pin's-hed or a stror being legeun 1-0. E. POTTS.

The Play's the Thing.
[The Echo remarks that distressed noblemen now go to the stage for a livelihood.]
THE halcyon days of the footlights are coming,
And soon to the plebs. proud patricians will play;
Great dooks" will be seen most industriously thumbing
Their parts, and to act will be thought quite O. K,
Lord Lackland, on finding his rent-roll has flitted,
That he may be boarded will fly to the boards;
And young Viscount Scattercash find he's just fitted
To play-not the deuce-but the-miser who hoards.
A corps of real countesses forming a chorus
Would win crutch-and-toothpick's ecstatic encore,
And a ballet of duchesses dancing before us
Would cause every masher to madly adore.
And then for a pantomime, if a live prince would
But now and again consent to play clown,
Why, even the shade of old Peter Quince would
Not be more likely to bring the house down.
The great upper sukkles are now smit with sorrow
Whenever their scions with actresses wed,
But all will be changed in the happy to-morrow,
When Lord Tom Noddys the Thespian boards tread.
Theatres will thus soon be turning the tables
On those who have taken their Peris away;
And lords who have lived videe Mr. Gay's Fables)
"In pampered ease" then may find work in the play.

"JACK ANDJILL's 5 : 5 : o Diophantine Competition is indeed Your.
nalistic Novelty. Every copy has a Distinctive Number in Red on the Front
Page. Thearithmeticalproblem is as easyas A BC. Everyone should compete.

FEBRUARY 24, 1886.


-'-- JOHN JONES, grocer, of
k ,High Street, Little Pob-
bleton, Cornwall, in reply
to numerous anxious in-
quiries from customers
agonized by suspense, and
in order to relieve their
tearful and overstrained
il concern, begs to inform
general, that his establish-
ment in Little Pobbleton
having suffered
3 during the violent passage
of the mob through Audley
Street, his business is in no
way interrupted by the
riots, and will be

Judas McNabb, infant
stockbroker, in order to
set at rest any widespread
uneasiness on the part of
his deeply-attached clients,
Sbegs to state that, as he did
not happen to be in Lon-
don at the time of the riots,
his new hat was not smashed and trampled on while he was passing
along Piccadilly. J. McN. is aware that no report to that effect is in
circulation, and that none is likely to be; and therefore takes this oppor-
tunity to declare that it is utterly without foundation. As J. McN.'s
business premises consist of part of a back attic, shared with three
limited companies and a financial agency, his handsome plate-glass
front was not wrecked by the rioters. J. McN., being anxious that his
methods of manipulation should not be exposed to the light, is ready
to avail himself of any amount of cover which confiding clients may send.
Same address-as yet.
To allay the alarm of admirers, and re-assure rest-robbed readers, Mr.
FUN, the Eminent Joker, begs to say that, as he never took off his
slippers nor went outside his country palace on the day of the West-End
riots, the stones thrown at the clubs in Pall Mall did not reach his head,
and that the stock of jokes in his strong room is quite intact. He,
however, intends to apply for compensation among the rest, as he thinks
a little one in will not matter. All orders addressed to

Mr. Gregory Grinder, Financial Benefactor, advances any amount
from ten to ten thousand.
Mr. G. G. takes no precautions whatever before advancing money to
The demands of Mr. G. G. are most moderate when a loan has been

Direct to Eel-ing.
[In future there is to be no close time for eels.]
No close-time for eels will anon be allowed,
So probably herein it now should be stated
That fishers for eels may rush off in a crowd,
For the time to catch eels is, of course, eel-ongated.

New Leaves.
WE understand that Messrs. Ward, Lock, and Co. have in prepara-
tion, for immediate publication, a new Popular Library of Literary
Treasures," which may be expected to surpass in quantity of matter,
cheapness, durability, and convenience of size any series of cheap books
hitherto published.


SIR,-I'm not quite right yet-catch me asking the way again in a
foreign land I But I'm up, and my landlady's daughter is teaching me
to walk again. She is an ingenious and inventive girl. It is her habit to
prepare a stiff glass of "grogs," as she calls it, and, placing it upon a
small table at one end of the room, -she places me at the other, and in-
cites and encourages me to walk the length of the room without assis-
tance, the seductive draught being my reward for success. I make the
attempt a dozen times a-day, and I'm getting on with the walking (not
that I try to hurry it, you know, these things must be done by degrees),
but I don't think it improves my head, as you will see from the perusal
of my
THOUGH you may incur some losses
As a consequence of "bosses,"
Let no naughty exclamation pass your lips.
But go and take your FUN in
And you'll get extremely cunnin'
Through a-following Trophonius's tips.
In this case Adanapaar, now
Is a better horse by far, now,
Than a lot of other horses on the list,
And although I think the talent
Are not sugary on Gallant
There is something in the chap I can't resist.
There's a Legacy (don't chuck it,")
There's a valuable Ducit,
There's a Monolith you'll find is far from bad,
Ballerina (none the poorest,)
Salami, Damascus, Tourist,
And a probably effective Ironclad.
And my shame I'd never stifle
If I thought that I could trifle
With the admirable chances of the lot;
But if you say you wonder
Will Queen Adelaide knock under
To one of them, I answer that she'll not,
and I am, hoping soon to be across the stream once more,
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.

Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
THARE iz nothing like having' a definet objekt in vew. I knew a man
whoo walked ten miles wun day, in auder ter get bak the penny he bed
left on a publikan's bottle.
If I hed ter be an animal at awl, I shood be a bucher's dog.
It iz eezy tew get a kolum abowt yewrself intew the newspapers.
Yew hev eether tew hev plenty ov munny or be a big blaggard I
The most important porshun ov a house is the kitshen.
Thare are three things tew be considered when yew want a good
dinner-first get sum good meet, then get up a good fire, then get a good
kook to kook it.
The pekuler advanteg abowt a reely good thing iz I hev found that
it usually inspires a harf a duzzen better onez.
When I see a kat and a dog filing in the street, I am led to beleev
in the transferrence of souls; it is the huzbend and the wife that hev
met on erth wunse again, and are having the saime old argument owt.

82 F TJN. FEBRUARY 24, x886.

ONE of the agitators of the Socialist League declares that violence was only offered by the mob to those who provoked it by using insulting remarks. The lady's
carriage was stopped because the lady shouted (I 111) to her coachman, "Drive over those dogs."

That was it. The poor Rough was quietly standing-with some selected flints and brickbats in his hands-in Trafalgar Square, when a "swell" deliberately alighted
from her carriage in Hyde Park, and shouted at him language which he would blush to repeat.

What am I doin'with th s 'ere baot ?" another lamb subsequently explained to the minion of the law; "wy, it insulted me, it did-jumped out of a shop-winder and
kicked me!"


BA 1the r~ ~~~a on ii Adkly S~reet Y ere the a orrt offenders. They are stated to have actually winked and blinked as the gentle "Unemployed' passed. It was
really too much for flesh and blood to stand 1

11 F N .-FEBRUARY 24, 1886.


84 F UN. FEBRUARY 24, 1886.

THE chairman of the Board of Inland Revenue has declared in
melancholy tones that the consumption of gin is rapidly on the decrease.
It has ceased to be a fashionable spirit. The
distillers are giving up its manufacture. The
magistrates refuse to imbibe it on the bench
under the pretence that it is pure water-they
prefer Scotch whisky. The mashers can only
be persuaded to imbibe it under the nom de booze
"John Collin "-which is a moistener mixed
deftly, with the aid of soda-water, sugar, lemon,
ice, and gin. Even the time-honoured "Gin
and Bitters affected by gourmands and dyspep-
tics, has given place to "Sherry and Angos-
tura." The washerwomen actually have given
over refreshing themselves during their labours
with drains of 'tOld Tom," and prefer sweet
nutritious rum. Elderly maiden ladies of the
present day seldom console themselves towards
night with the least drop of "White Satin."
Unquestionably the chairman is right-Juniper is well-nigh a spirit of the
past. The only being that keeps it from flitting from an ungrateful
world is merry "'Arry," and he, forsooth, damps the little ardour the
poor spirit has-left by drowning it in inferior beer.
THE estrangements and squabbles among the Parnellites anent the
Galway election business, are highly satisfactory, and give us every
hope that, sooner or later the gang of tyrannous traitors will destroy
each other, after the manner of the famous Kilkenny cats; and their
ill-gotten gains fall into the hands of their starving fellow-countrymen.

THE "Knights of Labour," in New York, are said to be possessed
of a ton of dynamite. However, like our British socialists, their com-
mon sense does not amount to an ounce. The "Knights" are being
drilled regularly, according to the Herald. We venture to hope that
these disreputable vagabonds will be well drilled by bullets, should
they rise, as they threaten, and treat the tradesmen of New York
after the same fashion as the London scum used our west-end shop.
SINCE a Royal Commission reported that improved harbour accom-
modation was necessary round our coasts, fifty-four millions of money,
at least, have gone into Davy Jones's Locker off the British Isles, and
the number of lives lost at the same time is positively appalling. The
"sweet little cherub" seems to have been curiously neglectful in its
watch of late. Poor Jack's confidence in the cherub is therefore
justifiably a little shaken. Surely many of the unemployed labourers
might be well employed in the construction of places of refuge on our
coasts-harbours that would be a huge pecuniary advantage to the
country in the end. Thorough information on this subject may be ob-
tained of the Hon. Secretary, National Refuge Harbour Society,
I7, Parliament Street, London. This gentleman will be happy to re-
ceive subscriptions in furtherance of this good object. An electric
light should be brought to bear on the subject of needless loss of life and
treasure at sea, in conjunction with this scheme for the employment of
the unemployed.
IT might prevent difficulties and disturbances if the plain-clothes con-
stables who are sent out dog-hunting wore a metal badge similar to those
worn by drovers on their arms. At present dog-owners are exceedingly
apt to mistake these bobbies for dog-sneakers; and it must be most
painful for a haughty mutton-stealer to be curtly dubbed a common dog-
stealer by an irate and indignant citizen, who sees his bow-wow artfully
snared and led away under his very nose by a_stranger.

THE "microbe" is the latest epithet that Louise Michel applies to
the respectable employers of labour she incites the "great unwashed"
of France to rise up and destroy. The French aristocrats describe the
canaille by the name of that irritating insect which walketh by night.

A SCOTCH clergyman deducts that Vanderbilt cannot be in heaven,
because there are neither railway kings nor railways there. One would
be almost inclined to think that the worthy minister must have used a
cheap excursion ticket there and back by balloon, as he is so emphatic
in his assertions.

OWING to the woeful drouth in Queensland, washing with many of
the settlers has been a luxury of the long sweet past. The blacks predict
a good time coming soon in the shape of a fine wet season. The natives
are said to prophecy the advent of water much more accurately than the
oldest pioneers. They are not backward in predicting the arrival of
whiskey either.

"'Tis now the flitting hour of night, when backyards yawn, and
* Groves' take out their beds. Happily have we lived in this Belinda
Grove, but now we must part-part to the landlord, or the sheriff sill
come in with the milk in the morning," and Mrs. Baboon sighed deeply,

"But, dearest love, cannot we hire that humble projectile, the green-
grocer's van, and shoot the cold, cruel morn before warning daylight doth
appear." She smiled sweetly, and her lovely fairy countenance was lit
up by a rosy blush, pink as the notice of the Queen's Taxes, threatening
to levy on the domestic gods. "Ah, no, dear love, so true," he said,
" when we have packed up and in the van, the bath is on the top, love,
and the fender's down below, love, and the chests of drawers resting on
the beds, love, and all made neat and square, love, then, dear love, so
true, even then the merry landlord might come down at the very last
instant, cop the blooming-I mean secure for himself our domestic gods."
"Alas alas!" Mrs. Baboon said, as she wiped the dewy tears from
her eye with the water rates, and pensively curled her hair with the
police and school board notices. Supposing, dear Jacko, you borrow
a pony' or two at a loan office, get a friend to be security, let him in,
dear love, for the instalments for the loan, three instalments to the
quarter, we shall then have a bit of money to enjoy ourselves with,
darling, keep out the landlord and the others and give us breathing time
to think of the best plan." Then Jacko Baboon, Esq smiled upon his wife
the smile of connubial love and happy trust, for Mrs. B. was wise in her
generation, thanks to the Bill of Sale Act, that joy of the guileless rusher.
So happily they lived as the days sped on, they climbed up the highest
gum trees, metaphorically so to speak, and lived in a joyful state of pdle
du foiegras and dry Heidsiech or Pomeroy 74, as their tastes led them.
Then, when the writs came speeding in, and Baboon's paper came
due, and it appeared that it would end in the wicked one and all to pay,
then did lovely Mrs. B. say laughing gaily, we must look about us."
And they did look about them; and then, when No. I tradesman
called, they knocked that butterman down with the bill of sale. No. 2
grocer came, and he was likewise felled with the bill of sale. No. 3
came landlord ; he was literally knocked into bits with the bill of sale.
Then, at length the van came.
Mrs. B. sat inside the van; on the shafts was Mr. Baboon. "Swift
as an arrow from the Tartar's bow they sped to a new home.
Now all the sticks are saved," they said, shedding tears of joy.

Then many humble tradesmen sobbed. Then a landlord was found
in Hampstead Ponds. Then a faithful friend was found in the water-butt.
Let us thank everybody that, though honour, wealth, and Tories fly,
give us still our darling old Bills of Sale Act.

FEBRUARY 24, I886. FTUN 85

THE Queen has presented the poor of Windsor with one hundred rabbits." We may expect shortly to read something like the fol'owing:-

Lord Tom Noddy has presented his father with John Smith, the West-End tradesman, has The Rev. Whackumhas Sal Grogan has given Bill Coster a
his bills and debts, presented a couple of lead pills to a Socialist given Tommy a word or piece of her mind. B. C. afterwards
follower, two of advice, presented S. G. with a couple of black

A BRICK-bat. No, it's not a brick-bat. It's a cat. No, it's not a
cat, it's a hare. They've sent 'em clean through the window opposite.
Ha I ha I hate the old beggar opposite. I'm glad, though, they let
my place alone. I hate being upset. So you say "there's a good deal
in Socialism that you don't know of." So there is in sausages, a good
deal that you don't know of. That makes it no better, as far as I can
see. Do I believe in any way in Burns and Hyndman, and all the
rest of 'em ? They only share and share alike. I wish someone would
share my gout with me. I've got the screws on dreadfully. The Demo-
crats live in the top of a shop in Farringdon Road. Fancy being
upset by any people who live over a china-shop. If Oliver Crom-
well had lived over a china-shop, he would never have come to anything,
that I'm sure. Do I know anything about Communists? Yes, I do.
A whole gang of 'em used to go to the Caf6 Royal once, Felix Pyat
and the rest of 'em. I don't like dynamite served up with my soup, so
I left there for a while. What I say is, clear out all the foreign beggars
that come to London. Your eighteenpenny Soho ordinary vagabonds,
all communists, smell of garlic.
I hate garlic, so that's why I want all of 'em hanged. A fellow
came here to mend the windows the other day, I asked him what he
"I'm a poor Pole," he said. I got the poker I can tell you, and told
him to be off. I'm not going to have Nihilist putty at my time of life,
not to please anybody. There are some fellows here in London who,
so they say, throw hot lead at the priests in Paris. Why don't they
hang 'em, I say, and have done with 'em. They talk about universal
brotherhood. Hang brothers too. My brother Jim was always bor-
rowing of me. I can't bear the name of brother. My eldest brother
used to flick me with a cane when I was in my night shirt if I didn't
bring up his hot water. Community of goods indeed I Fancy a
guillotine being set up in Russell Square, and a lot of roughs cleaning
their teeth with my tooth-powder, and drinking my drinks and carrying
red flags up into the attics. Robespierre and all the rest of 'em in the
middle of London. A brick-bat I A stone I oh, lor I I!

GRAND OLD GIANT KILLER eager for the coming battle with the
Great Irish Problem. Determined to be armed at all points, he solicits
parties of all shades to lend him the arms of experience, logic, patriot-
ism and knowledge of Ireland and the Irish.
Horace Davey, Q. C., Solicitor General. No seat at present, but, like
the Socialists, has his eye on Flint, and hopbs they won't be so stony-
hearted as to refuse him. The last Ode of Horace, Oh, do elect
me I" Electors of Flintshire, take him, he's the right sort, you can
take your davey.
Thursday-Lords.-Curtain rung up. Granville presents Bill of the
Play. Salisbury and Co. not satisfied. Want to know if it's a tragedy
or burlesque they are to be regaled with. Told to be good boys, and
they shall learn more on Ist April.
Commons.-Opposition in a cross humour, and Sir Richard of that
humour leads attack on the defenceless Childers. Sort of Parliamentary
riot of the unemployed.

[The Patrie, referring to the distress in London, says :-" Would that we could
help I If France were in a prosperous condition, we should feel compelled to go to
the assistance of our neighbours; but, alas I il nous faut done pratiquer le charity
begins at home.' "]
H6lasl lea lar-
mes I ze better
tears ve shed,
0 1Parceque of ze
\ deestress en
0, for to relief
ze sorrow dread
Vich tous les
I *v vorkmans souf-
faire ovaire
But ah Ive have

For, tiens la
belle France
Has not now of
ze money she
can spare.

/ Ze charity zat
begins itself
chez nous,
II nous faut done pratiquer. Nest-ce-pas? Oui I
So to ces ouvriers viz no work to do,
Ve can geeve not-as tells us La Patrie.
Ze tear run down our cheek,
Because La R6publique
Cannot now geeve ze Lor Maire Z s. dee.
Ah I of ze alms to aid ze unemploy-
How now viii L'Angleterre? Pauvre leetle land,
Ah, oui I La France vould viz ze most grande joy,
Be trxs heureuse to lend ze helping hand.
Ve souffaire-c'est h dire,
Ve're in ze street of Queer,
Or else Les Anglais should our purse command.
Que dites-vous? Zat ze Anglais rush toujours
To aid of othaire lands-c'est vrai. An reste,
Vous dites aussi, zat now she can endure
Herself to rescue all her own deestressed ?
Parbleu I C'est tias bien,
For ve can geeve rien,
Alzough ze vill is in La France-her breast I

To Pittites.
IT is stated that the great Pitt, like Mr. Gladstone, had a fondness
for felling trees. No doubt when the Tories read this they took for
their axe-iom, "'Tis true, 'tis Pitt-y, and Pitt-y 'tis 'tis true."

86 FUN. FEBRUAY 24, 1886.

The Unemployed.
A WAIL of woe is heard throughout the land,
The cry of those by hope no longer buoyed
X "~. ~ A piercing heart-wail from the labouring band,
Who in this bitter time, are unemployed.
Not only for themselves are they opprest,
But for their wives and children wanting bread
Alas, that willing hearts should be distrest,
By grim starvation, merciless and dread.
Then earnestly these sufferers let us aid,
And, aiding, let us warn them againstt the schemes
Of those who ply the agitator's trade-
Of those who'd fill the destitute with dreams.
Ye workmen, who are worthy of the name,
Reed not the Social Democratic scum,
Who would but lure you to disgrace and shame,
And cause ye vile as they are to become.
Your suff-rings have more power to plead your cause,
Than violence such as Socialists advise,
No need for you to outrage England's laws
Like mobs aroused by agitators' lies.
They do but seek to fatten on your woe;
They use your sorrows for their own vile ends.
All men for such mad thieves contempt should show-
Out on all enemies, disguised as friends !
Fate give you strength your bitter lot to bear,
And mould our hearts to help, as means allow.
May you, ere long, be lifted from despair,
And rescued from fell poverty's deep slough.
Remember that depression's cankering woes
Not only blight, just now, the labouring class;
In many quarters, others feel its throes,
W IN In silence, suffering poverty, alas I
Take heart of grace, then. Be as hitherto,
Manly and honest, neathh this crushing blow.
It galls the blatant Socialistic crew
To find that workmen can true courage show.
The charity Heaven plants in every heart-
..-In every heart that's human in our land,
APPLE-Y COUNTED. D mbt not, will haste to make your grief depart,
And hold to you a firm and succouring hand.
Sharp Boy.-" NONE, SIR." Teacher.--"How's THAT?" gate' is improving in its congenial impurity, while Mr.
Sharjp Boy.-" WHY, THE ONE WHO FINISHED FIRST WOULD EAT THE Healy breathes forth expressions sultry enough to bring on a

Churchill's Choicest.
[Lord Randolph Churchill, in his latest speech, refers to Mr. Gladstone as an
"unparalleled combination of verbosity and senility."]
YOUNG CHURCHILL has frequently given us statements indeed meta-
Statements which really, for strangeness, have almost become historical;
But his gem's an attack upon Gladstone-whom he nameth with verbose
"An unparalleled combination of verbosity and senility."
'Tis strange for the chattering Churchill to charge anyone with verbosity,
While he gives off loquacious orations, with any amount of velocity.
But, there, it is only a sample of Randy's rampageous scurrility,
This unparalleled combination of verbosity and senility."
As when some cheeky and mischievous urchin, in phrases most unde-
Blares out at someone who annoys him for being too wise and respectable,
So the frequently-sat-upon Randy calls Gladstone, with much volubility,
"An unparalleled combination of verbosity and senility 1"
Ah, well, well! the youthful and foolish we never should be too hard upon
(Though their lying, and boasting and bounce it behoves us to be our
guard upon),
And so we're not moved when young Randy dubs Gladstone, with
much incivility,
"An unparalleled combination of verbosity and senility I"

A LOCAL PAPER has been charging certain local philanthropists with
giving to the local poor soup which contained maggots. Now, if this is
true in substance and in fact, it is certainly a strange way for the poor's
soup-eriors to worm themselves into the poor's confidence.

A BOHEMIAN residing in Chrudim was of a highly argumentative
nature, which drew him into perpetual wrangles with his family. At
last he determined to put an end to all further disputes by poisoning the
whole of his relatives. This bold Bohemian succeeded in polishing off his
father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, his only child, and nearly
removed his wife. But in a weak moment he began administering deadly
potions to his mother-in-law. This lady was a hard-shelled creature,
with the constitution of a rhinoceros and the digestion of an ostrich. She
not only foiled all her son-in-law's efforts to poison her, but she detected
him in his experiments, and found out and exposed his previous perform-
ances with drugs on his kith and kin. The poor man died of a broken
neck in consequence-another victim to the potency of a mother-in-law.
He is buried in an unconsecrated spot, where the birds do not twitter,
and the violets never bloom.

POOR Herbert Percy Freund, the well-known religious fanatic, has
again been sent to prison for riotous conduct at St. Paul's, and assaulting
the police. Herbert displayed a flag on which was inscribed Peace to
Zion and all her people." Then he proceeded to break the peace by
soundly thrashing a constable and throwing him down. Herbert would
be an invaluable warrior in the Salvation Army during the marches
through the streets. His boisterous fanaticism would then be protected
by the police, and his muscular Christianity could be safely expended on
inoffensive passers-by. But inasmuch as the unfortunate lunatic does
not seem incliced to enlist in "General" Booth's forces, why on earth
is he not placed in a mad-house instead of a gaol ?

IT is said that the heaviest blow at polygamy in Utah has been struck
by the recently-acquired extravagant fashions of the Mormon women.
Truly a strange decree of Fate's that the Mormon creed should be under-
mined through having to spend Mor(e)mon-ey.

FEBRUARY 24, 1886.




BROWN. My dear, I think I should like a stroll round the houses; I
might take Carlo for a run, only it's so fatiguing to carry all those--
MRs. BROWN. Yes, it is, love. Cook has just weighed them on the
meat scales; and what with the nine volumes of regulations, and all the
different kinds of regulation muzzles, and the chains and collars, and
straps and thongs, and cords, it comes to exactly fifty-five pounds nine
ounces and a quarter. Couldn't you leave some of them at home ? I
feel sure the policeman would never miss--
BROWN. Oh, it isn't that, my dear; it's just this-it might happen
that one of the very things I left at home was the regulation one for this
particular half-hour, and then they'd hang me for certain. Here, give
me a hand with the bundle; I must take the lot. Let me see though,
before I start; what's the latest regulation? Is Carlo to be "led," or
"otherwise under control," or "under proper control," or muzzled with
regulation muzzle No. 31 or 145, or-Oh, here's the latest proclama-
tion. All right-back in about half an hour. Ha I there's Jones with
his dog. Hullo, Jones I

JONES. Hullo, Brown, old man I Giving the dog an air- Here, I
say, you'll get yourself into trouble if you don't comply with the last
police regulation I

BROWN. Why, ain't I complying ? I'm leading my dog by the tail,
ain't I, with a wooden clog on his fore-paws?
JONES. Yes, that's just it; but that was last night's regulation. There
have been seven since that; now they have to be "led by means of a
ring through the nose, and further secured by being fitted with a straight-
waistcoat, and hobbled by the hind-legs being attached to the ears "-like
my Ponto, see I
POLICEMAN Beg pardon, gentlemen ; but your dogs must be secured
according to the latest regulation issued seven minutes ago. They ought
to have blinkers on, and respirators, and be led by an iron rod secured
through a knot in the tail, "or otherwise."
BROWN and JONES. Well, but what's "otherwise?" Isn't this
POLICEMAN.:I really don't know what "otherwise" is, but that isn't
it. I shall have to-
BROWN and JONES (suddenly breaking out in to rabies superinduced by a
myriad contradictory dog regulations). Well, look here. We don't care I
We defy the regulations; and, what's more, we'll set our dogs on to
you, and they'll tear you to bits; and then we'll finish you off ourselves
with our walking-sticks. What'll the law do then ?
POLICEMAN. Well, gentlemen, as far as I can see, all the law will do
in that case will be to reprimand me severely, and let you both off with
an apology.
(BROWN and JONES take the only course compatible with immunity.)

A Bad Bag-inning.
[The St. Yames's Gazette says that Mr. Gladstone is a bagman without a bag."J
Is W. E. G. in this quandary, pray ?
As says the St. Yingo's Gazette;
If so, it is sad; but allow us to say,
The St. Y.'s hasn't proved it as yet.
But perhaps the St. '. only states it, alack !
Because it would fain give that bagman" the sack."

The Ways of Vanity are Peculiar.
SOME one inquired where a certain very hard up Bohemian was to be
"That's not easy to say : he's hiding from his creditors."
"Creditors I-what a gorgeous braggart the fellow is I"

To CoRraESONDENTS.--Tt Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for CoMplbthionz. In no case will they be returned unless
acco;nmanied by a staimfed and directed envelope.

88 F FEBRUARY 24, 1886.

Lo, this motley group of skaters,
As they on the ice disport-
Sons and daughters, maters, paters-
Yea, in short,
Here they are, of every sort.
Here are damsels young and charming,
Clad in furs and astracan-
'Arry, too, in garb alarming,
Schemes doth plan,
Thinking.he's the ladies' man I

Here are skaters cutting figures "-
Some cut sorry figures too,
Causing many smiles and sniggers
'Mid the few
Who do not slip or tumble through.
Here are some by roughs surrounded ;
Here, too, skaters upside-down,
Make confusion worse confounded-
And they frown
As they crawl again to town.

WHEN there's a marked flirtation Now, Mr. G. is spooning Then what are his intentions ?
'Twixt two young things, 'tis plain Miss E,, that's very clear, Britannia feels some doubt,
The ticklish situation And she, though scarcely swooning Amid at-home dissensions,
May lead to joy or pain; With love, yet likes him near; Whether he comes about
And "What are your intentions, pray?" Meanwhile the anxious mother pines Platonic union or not?
Mamma is rather apt to say To learn the gentleman's designs Well, that is just exactly what
Unto the ardent swain. Towards her pretty dear. He's trying to find out.

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^OEX^I t ~


90 i -iN MARCH 3, 1886,

THE HAYMARKET.-Mr. W. S. Gilbert's Engaged is, I presume,
only placed on these boards (where it originally appeared by the way),
I- -:-

!111'~ A41

pending the arrival of something more novel In spite of its wealth of
humour, ready invention, and sustained cleverness, it is hardly likely to
prove attractive for any length of time. The very qualities referred to
have made it too generally familiar for such a result.
THERE is plenty of good acting to recommend it in the Haymarket
rendering, however. I think Mr. Barrymore is the best Belvawney I've
seen (though I've only seen two, by the way; Mr. Edgar Bruce, at the
Strand, in '78, and Mr. Kyrle Bellew here, on the first production, and
afterwards at the Court). Belvawney, to my thinking, has more elements
of danger in it than any of the other parts, inasmuch as the "influence of
the eye" business, although it is very funny, is just one of those ideas a
general audience is slow to catch, and apt to regard as far fetched. Mr.
Barrymore's ludicrous earnestness, however, is irresistible; he is con-
stantly at high pressure without becoming monotonous, and he's really
very funny. __
MR, H. BEERBOHM-TREE is, in many respects, unsuited to the part
of Cheviot Hill; but there is a comical grotesqueness about his second
act, which covers a multitude of inadaptabilities. Mrs. Beerbohm-Tree
is more successful, and although (the comparison will out-there's no
escaping it 1) she lacks the delicacy of touch of Miss Marion Terry, her
second act could hardly be better played. Miss Norreys looks the part
of Maggie to perfection, and makes a quaint, toy-terrier like picture;
but she just borders on being too conscious of her own artfulness-is
not quite demure enough, in short, and is not too safe with the dialec'.'
Mrs. Brooke manages the latter the best of the North country trio, but
Mr. Brookfield, who plays Angus with effect, has caught the character
of the accent marvellously well. His want of care in some of the words
only betrays the fact that he is not to the manner born. Mr. Mackintosh's
Symperson is an uncommonly clever and funny" study in itself, but it
seems a trifle too senile and silly for old Lymperson, who is a sly dog
after all, and has his wits about him. Miss Wilton is a rather too
mature Minnie. The Gretna scene is pretty.
HURRY up with your next piece Messrs. Russell and Bashford, or al-
though I shall be glad to find myself wrong, I doubt if this will serve you
long; for my own part I could see it almost any number of times without
wearying, but the general public, of course, has iot my refinement of
taste or cultivated appreciation I Before quitting the subject, I must note,
with hearty approbation, that the cumbersome extra sheet hitherto
inserted (in the interests of advertisers,) has disappeared from the
programme, which now contains only the necessary and legitimate infor-
mation required in such a document.
THE PRINCESS'S.-There is an air of seeming flippancy about the
title The Lord Harry (arbitrarily applied as it here is) in connection
with a serious drama, which is probably no more than a want of feeling
for the fitness of things, but which augurs ill at the outset for the
balance of what is to follow. The augury is unfortunately but too well
fulfilled, for Mr. Wilson Barrett's latest venture is a very poor play.
Apart from the age and played-out nature of the incidents themselves,
and the old-fashioned way in which they are presented (down to "comic
servants"), these incidents are strung upon so feeble a thread, and
introduced upon such inadequate grounds, that the interest in the story
(which is hardly worthy the name besides) dies of inanition long before
the end is reached. Nor is there anything in the way of characterisa-

tion to'fall back upon; the characters are mere conventional puppets,
with the strings showing badly.
THE dialogue is purely written though, and with plenty of point-
the Biblical language, which always startles a certain number of people
(presumably because they are unaccustomed to it), is quite in character
in the mouths of the Puritans (caricatures as they otherwise are mostly),
and is treated with all reverence. The acting is of the best, the dress-
ing effective and not overdone, and the scenic illustration irreproachable
-the picturesque beauty and truth of the flood scene has seldom been
equalled, and the rugged grandeur of Cleeve Bay is sufficient to take
one's mind off the wonderful things that are happening, from the
miraculous escape of Captain Promise and his merry men from a boatless
condition on the house-top amid the flooded marshes, to the startling
unanimity with which all the characters, including a portion of the army
of His Majesty King Charles I., foregather in a secluded cove on the
sea coast.
MR. BARRETT appeared to be scarcely easy in his part on the first
night, but otherwise his acting left little room for regret. The chivalrous
bearing, ready defiance, aptness in love-making, and general disregard
of consequence peculiar to the stage-hero of romance lost nothing in his
hands-though I must say I think he altogether missed the significance
of the scene where he, his ladye-love," and her wounded papa are
driven, as a last resort from the flood, to a house-top with every prospect
of being eventually submerged. A boat appears, they hail it with
imaginable delight, and a gun-shot is the reply; the lady is in the fore-
front and line of fire, and what does the hero express-revulsion of
feeling? concern for the girl of his heart? Not a bit of it-he chaffss"
the soldiers for their bad aim I The situation is mainly the dramatist's
fault, but Mr. Barrett does nothing to tone it down.
MR. WILLARD'S powerful grip and conscientious study goes far
towards making the character of Ezra Promise something more than a
mere machine in the authors' hands. Miss Eastlake's performance of
the heroine is interesting, thoughtful, and tender; but there is but one
dramatic "chance" in it-in the council scene-and I'm afraid she
mis acts it. I think the speech should be given scornfully, whereas
Miss Eastlake declaims" it. The latter is the more generally effective
way, I allow. For a Puritan lady, too, she is somewhat given to
unseemly stylishness of cutand ornamentation in her dresses.

MR. GEORGE BARRETT is funny enough in himself, and Miss Lottie
Venne gives that piquant relish to the whole which her presence always
provides, while Mr. Charles Cook, out of the merest shadow of a part,
manages to convince the spectator of his artistic instinct-witness his
weak-minded way of succumbing to strong drink-but they all grow
tiresome at last. Mr. Charles Hudson gives us a full-flavoured melo-
dramatic rendering of a spy, and Mr. Clynds has some lengthy speeches
to deliver as the heroine's papa,
THE ROYALTY.-Now is the time for people who (like me) are
unsafe in their French I The plot of Le Voyage de M. Perrichon is
well known to the average theatre-goer in its forms of Peacock's Holiday

and Loyal Lovers. This piece is now being played by Mr. Mayer's
company, so that the average theatre-goer aforesaid can go and
thoroughly enjoy it, and come back knowing all about it, and full of
the prestige of having seen it in the original. Joy I NESTOR.

MARCH 3, I886. F N. 9

Unseated M P.'s.
Nw Members come tumbling into "The House," ______
Into the House where they can't sit down
Until they achieve Parliamentary "nous,"
And get hats for the seat, beside hats for the crown,
For seats are scanty, and hard to keep,
And standing is awkward for going to sleep,
When a dull M.P. is droning I
To the new ones, taught by a cute "old hand,"
From Lincoln and Bennett come boxes down
(For standing's a thing that they never can stand 1)
And old hats are not to be worn about town !
Your "every-day hat" must be always sleek;
For the Speaker won't let you a seat bespeak
If a billycock only owning I
When your "stove-pipe hats on your seats repose,
Go, in smoking-cap, to the smoke-room down,
Or Glengarry," which into your pocket goes,
Safe hidden away from the Speaker's frown I c
Though Glengarrys give you a convict look,
'Twas for your convict-ions your seats you took !
So never for that be groaning I

LONG years ago, when under age-
Before I found the world a stage,
And could not then my love repel-
I spent a pile on Isabel.
I loved her then-no mere pretence I-
Without a thought for consequence ;
O how I loved no tongue could tell I
She was so sweet, was Isabel.
Ah I woe is me, and lack-a-day I
(As would distracted maiden say n
When her good knight in battle fell)-
But, to return to Isabel:
No longer what I dared to dream,
Her love had floated down the stream
And left her heart an empty shell.
A faithless girl was Isabel I AT THE SALON PARISIEN.
But Time has brought me to a sense The Girls (who have heard so much of" the First Kiss ").-" COME ALONG,
Of callous, cold indifference, AUNIis, WE HAVEN'T DONE BEERS YET."
Since Fate, consisting of a swell, Aunte Yoskin.-"QUITE RIGHT, Mv DEARS, AN' I'M DYIN' FOR A
Stepped in and stole my Isabel. DROP !" [ They meant that sweet 7an Van. Auntie meant Bitter.

HENDERSON AWA'! intelligent beautifully. "Have you seen the prisoner creating a dis-
So they've got rid of Henderson. Well, I'm not glad, and I'm not turbance ? Yes, your washup I Was there a crowd? Yes, your
sorry. Why should I be? There's a mixture of Home Office and Hen- washup. What do you call a crowd? A' good many, your washup.
person in the business that I don't quite understand. Old Richard Might you have seen a hundred people? Yes, your washup. Might
Mayne, though, wouldn't have made such a hash of matters, not he. you have only seen a couple of people? Yes, your washup. Might
He knew his trade, he did. We all said the Socialists were fools. Were you not have seen the crowd at all, but only fancied it was coming
they ? I don't think so. That Burns is artful enough, you bet. There round the corner ? Well, it might be, your washup ? Officer, you
was an accidental block, and then the police went for 'em. Quite wrong have been telling falsehoods. Yes, your washup. That's what they're
all that. I don't think much of police, I don't, Howard Vincent went all like-all of them, confound them I One has to pay police rates
to Scotland Yard. He was going to do wonders. He was going to simply for the honour of supplying them with cold meat. They can
turn detectives into high-class angels. He didn't quite do it, though, put that down quietly enough, even if they can't Mr. Burns. Bah I
He retired from the business, and became a Conservative member. He I say. DIOGENES TUBBS.
lives in Grosvenor Square, and writes pamphlets. Do I think the police
are smart? I don't think so: I never did think so. When they get Not Gull-ible.
mixed up in a crowd, and each man has to act for himself, he acts like a [Sir William Gull stated, a few days ago, that he would allow women to become
fool. That's natural enough. Most men are fools, as far as I can see. M.D's.]
Constables are no exception. What would I do in the matter? I don't "LET women be M.D.'s !" exclaims the wise Sir William G.,
know, and I don't care. He thinks to practise medicine all ladies should be free;-
There was a constable down in our area last night. I swear I could If that's the case all former demarcation is annulled.
hear him growling through the kitchen window, The beggar's voice Then let us seize this chance of making women-folk M.D.'s,
was quite hoarse with leg of mutton and table-beer. One of them last For, as you'll observe, 'is nothing but a matter of "degrees,"-
year made himself quite ill with tinned meat. There was a Dr. And, after all, Sir William is not likely to be Gull-ed.
Colquhoun, many years ago, said that police were the greatest
blessings in the world. That man evidently did not keep large stocks
of cold provisions in his larder. Did you ever read the great inquiry A cuRIous SCENE took place upon the stage of the Olympic Theatre
into the Bow Street business about the Runners, Vaughan, and what not? after performance on the night of Friday, the Ig9th ult. A glove fight
They were a nice lot. People said they ought to be hanged. There for _ro a side was to have been fought to a finish under the rules of the
was no proper public feeling then, and no lamp-posts, so they didn't, immortal Queensberry, the combatants being Mr. Herbert Standing
Do you remember what Baron Pollock said about the police in the and a Mr. A. J. Byde. The affair, which was understood to be purely
Benson business? Baron Pollock let them have it. He was great at amateur, was brought to an untimely end by the unexpected testimony
keeping pigs in order on his farm. He understood the business, he did of "a gentleman in the audience," who had known the artless Byde as
-he, he I a professional boxer. Under the circumstances, Mr. Standing suggested
If you want to hear anybody hard down on the police, you should that it would be better to Byde a wee; and the affair terminated, to the
hear Sir James Ingham at Bow Street. He sniggers at the active and dissatisfaction of the ex-pugilist, in a few minutes' friendly spar I

92 FTUN*. MARCH 3, i886.

["The Queen has signified her intention of conferring the honour of knighthood upon Mr. M. Williams, C.I E., D.C.L., Boden Professor of Sanscrit in the Univer-
sity of Oxford. This gent'eman is well known as a magnificent skater."-Daily Pajer. After this, the subjoined paragraphs will not be read with surprise.])

A. B. is to be knighted. He is said to be a very expert angler. A. Baronetage is to be conferred on C D. This gentleman has E. F. is to be made K.C.B. The new
always evinced a marked aversion to trip. knight has the reputation of being the
best puuch-maker in the town.

G. H. will have the vacant Garter. The worthy J. K. is to be raised to the peerage. It is asserted that
alderman consumes about 200 gallons of turtle-soup he "always came home to his tea,"
per annum.

Facilis Discensus Averni.
["'One would hardly credit," says a New York paper, a statement of the extent
to which New York ladies gamble, and the large bets they make would stagger most
amateurs in any other part of the country,"]
WHEN lovely woman takes to gaming,
And goes in for heavy play;
Quite beyond the reach of shaming
Speeds she on her downward way.
By good society rejected,
The woman who its justice braves
At last will find herself respected
Alone by cads and shameless knaves.

[Mr. Chance, the magistrate, is of opinion that it is high time some check was
placed upon the rapacity of the water companies.]
OUR water suppliers oft show many airs,
Filling ratepaying town's-men with numerous cares;
For these companies drop on us all unawares,
Yet, remedies most of us dread to advance.
But to judge by this recent affair, it appears
That the Co.'s who've aroused our deep anger for years
(And which hardly one ratepayer really reveres)
Would, mayhap, improve, if we left them to Chance.

L. M. will likewise enter the House of Lords. He
is stated to have never used a big, big D.

THE Free Bread Fund Committee for West and South St. Pancras
have been distributing about 300 loaves daily to hungry applicants.
This is practical go-ahead charity. No loaf has been given to a "loafer"
as yet, but the "staff of life thus handed forth has already proved a
firm support to many of eur famished fellow creatures, who were
toppling over through lack of food. The pangs of real hunger are
more terrible than well-fed people, who once in a way go without lunch,
suppose. We advise genuine philanthropists, who wish their charity
money to go direct to the poor in a substantial and wholesome form, to
send subscriptions towards the above fund to C. C. Whitefoord, Esq.,
117, Albany Street, Regent's Park.

A MAN was recently charged at Leek with shooting a constable. He
saved his bacon by proving that he was in Shrewsbury Gaol on the
charge of stealing a ham at the time the policeman was potted. His
accusers then ate the leek at Leek.

A FEROCIOUS free-fight ushered the new Lord-Lieutenant into Dublin.
Home Rule has evidently commenced.

Vive la telephone! Games of chess are now satisfactorily played by
telephone; and an eminent judge proposes, for the convenience of all
parties concerned, that Divorce Court entertainments shall be played in
future by telephone. This suggestion will not find favour with the
audiences who thoroughly enjoy these cheap but sparkling shows.

MARCH 3, 1886. IFTUN. 93


Ho! Constable one million, B,
I have a word to say to ye-
A word of admonition:
I have observed, with some surprise,
That you have failed to recognize
The weight of your position.
Sing hey sing ho I Policeman B,
You've much responsibilitee;
The being must be far from dull
Who'd figure as a constabul.
I wish to say in this, my song:-
Your recent dealings with the throng
Of socialistic hobbies
Have shown considerably less
That that amount of keen finesse
The world expects in Bobbies.
Sing hey I sing ho t Policeman D,
That party must not only see,
But see through solid walls as well,
Who aims to be a constabel.
When first the mob performed their teats
Through James's, Audley, Oxford Streets,
And carried on so direly,
I ask you (while you blush with shame) .
Were East-End roughs or you to blame ?
Why, you-of course-entirely I
Sing hey I sing ho I Policeman G,
And all the actions done by me,
And Dick, and Tom, and Jack, and Will,
Are laid upon the constabil.
As you're aware, of course, I mean
That you were nowhere to be seen;
The streets were undefended :
But, had you gone without remorse,
And met the rabble rout with force,
How well the thing had ended I
Sing hey I sing ho I Policeman C;
The speed of the domestic flea
Should mate and match itself with cool
Omniscience in the constabool.
When next they came from far and wide,
Those rufflers, to the Park of Hyde,
And caught it" so severely ;
I ask you, should the world condemn,
And flout and bully, you or them ?
Why you-the bobby-clearly I
Sing hey I sing ho I Policeman P,
The bobby mustn't be so free
In showing folks they must and shall-
It ill befits a constabal I
You should, polite and "civil-spoke,"
Have treated roughs as honest folk,
And greeted thieves as gentry;
And when they fell to hurling sand,
It was your place to mildly stand
As rigid as a sentry.
Sing hey I sing ho Policeman E,
And can't you, can't you, CAN'T YOU see
The flag of force to thus unfurl
Does not befit a constaburl ?

You ask me to expound my view
Anent the course you should pursue ?
Eh ?-bless us-none, and neither
You should not leave the rough in peace
To run his rigs-nor make him cease,
Nor meddle with him, either.
Sing hey I sing ho I Policeman T.
It's bad to let the blackguard be;
But I would have you sus ter col,
If you molest him, constabol.
When next I find you in the wrong,
I'll draft you off, five hundred strong,
To some retired position;
And, shrouded in a mental mist,
Forget the fact that you exist,
Till death from inanition-
Sing hey I sing ho I Policeman V-
Shall terminate your dull onwee,
And censors can no longer snarl
At that unhappy constabarl.

[One of the large bodies of policemen ordered a few days ago to mount guard at
different parts of the metropolis, because of the expected renewal of the mob riots
was forgotten when orders were given to return, and was kept waiting out in the cold
until the small hours.]
Chorus of Bobbies. Air.-" Pirates of Pen=ance."
When the blaring Socialist,-Tarantara, tarantara I
Takes his brickbat in his fist,-Tarantara I
Then our chieftains at the Yard "-Tarantara, tarantara I
Are seldom on their guard-Tarantara I
At the London roughs' Zmeutes,-Tarantara, tarantara !
Our hearts ain't in our boots,-Tarantara I
But our chiefs are seldom found-Tarantara, tarantara I
Making preparations sound.-Tarantara I
But, says they, one Friday morning ,
Of more riots we've had warning ,
So go ye forth, all danger scornin',
Put these Socialists to flight;
Go along by Thames's waters,
Ready for more awful slaughters
Than is dreamt of by repawters,
We will call you back ere night."
Then we thought 'twas evident-Tarantara, tarantaia I
Their attentions were well meant ;-Tarantara I
And our chests it served to cheer-Tarantara, tarantara I
As we went our foes to queer. -Tarantara I
But the mob, we beg to state,
Didn't come, so we'd to wait,
A-singing to amuse us-Tarantara I
For 'twas plain, since we'd been booked,
That we'd now been overlooked,
Left in the cold to sing-Tarantara I
And we said, "So help me never,
Perhaps the Yard' thinks as its clever I
But such muddling did you ever
Even in Red Tapedom see ?"
There we stuck, in all our power,
Till beyond the midnight bower,
Till the cold nigh made us cower,
And then ordered back were we.



When a member of the Ministry- (say a Liberal, or a Conservative, or a Tory,
or a Radical, or a Parnellite, or a Socialist; for it is the Jvliniaters holding one of
these views who are particularly prone to the ways we describe)-has done some-
thine which the public seem inclined to call him over the coals for, he creeps into
a hole in haste.

/ -

The next instant the Public comes along to ask questions, but the hole is
blocked. "It's all right," says a dalcet voice from within; "I'm holding a severe
inquiry into my own conduct. Please wait a few years."

So the Public sits down, with firm resolve, to wait. And presently the concealed Minister thrusts forth a pipe, and blows bubbles to divert the attention of the Public.

Amused by the bubbles, the Public begins to relax its determined expression: it takes an innocent delight in the new diversion. Years pass: the Public is getting
stiftin the joints, and chilly; it remembers that its hair wants cutting, and that the baby hasn't been fed, and that the dinner is burning. It goes home. The affair
is over.

]TJIN.-MARCH 3, 1886.1


96 FU MARCH 3, 1886.


OH I what joy there was in Ireland so green. Everybody said that
Mr. Gladstone had "the bad time of it." At least, everybody who
understood nothing at all about the matter. Those who understood
nothing about the matter were the gentlemen who were going on in an
underRandyed way to annoy the G.O.M., whether they wore orange
ties, or smoked pipes with Erin's harps and skulls and cross-bones on
them. These gentlemen sang either Lillibulero-bullen-a-la or the Wear-
ing of the Green. It was rather a bore to us that some half-and-half
sensible people were mild enough to listen to 'em. It caused the G.O.M.
a good deal of worry, so that, when he went home to his hermitage on
Dollis Hill, he could not enjoy the Willesden drainage half as much as
he ought to have done.
But what did Mr. Patrick Grunter say?
"Pork," said Mr. Patrick Grunter, "is the most wonderful, the
most luscious, the most cracklingly food in the whole world." Being
an Irish gentleman, of strong Home Rule tendencies, he said, as- a
matter of unimportant detail, "the howl wurruld." "Divil a bit of
porruk," he continued to his friend, Mr. Smaller Bacon, "shall the base
Saxon ate for the next twelve months. Praise the sowl of O'Connell,
the true pathriot !"
Now, Mr. Patrick Grunter was one of the "bhoys." By the holy
St. Patrick, he had a gay time of it I The stoness he had thrown at
the polls" at Mick McCarthy's eviction; the smart breech-loader he
always kept ready for black-winged "birdie" or "thaveing landlord."
He was a gay and festive "bhoy," was P. G. Whisky, hurroo I "
and the "sowl of Brian Boru," and all the rest of it. A more patriotic
lad never stepped the turf, a glory he was to "Ould Ireland so green."
"These thieving boats," he said in the vernacular of his great and
happy country, that run from Cork (Corruk), shall take no more ribs
of streaky to the markets of the base Saxon; on the salt and accursed
bloater shall he have to fall back for his morning meal. No more of
the crisp and curly shall he eat with his morning toast; no more shall
it grace the stately dinner table, garnishing the wholesome pullet; no
more, when hungry from excess of midnight alcohol, with the baked
potato and the spread eagle, shall the sweet, dry Irish rasher give him
Mr. Patrick Grunter chuckled to himself as he walked down the
lordly street of Sackville with his friend, Mr. Smaller Bacon. But it
chanced that in one of the swell shop windows there was a small
aquarium, Mr. Grunter stared in at the curious sight of sea-horse and
dog-fish, and what not, while a couple of nimble young monkeys
relieved him of his handkerchief.
"Does not," said Mr. Smaller Bacon, "this sight remind you of an
old adage, there are more fish in the sea than ever came out of it ?"
"Ye're a born fool," said Mr. Pat; "shut up, Smaller, me bhoy."
Well, times went on, and Patrick did his level best to prevent any
pork going into the English market. For a time this was a great

]M. nuisance. Because the Irish
pork was good after all.
But soon Messrs. Scmidt,
Furst & Co., of Stettin,
and other Baltic and north
i l sea-ports, found that pigs
could be bought cheap, and
Ii( freight being awfully low,
sent to England dirt cheap.
At first Mr. Bull did not
r --- ~~like it so much as Pat's,
but soon he got used to it.
He bought larger quantities
of it, and wolfed it down
with many hundreds of
thousands of cups of coffee.
For the first time in his
life Mr. Grunter began to
pull rather a long face, or,
S rather, long snout. But yet
_he kept up his true Hiber-
nian spirit.
"Divil a pratey shall the
spalpeens have from the
County of Corruk-the big
'praties' that the Saxon
bastes love so well to ate."
Then all the potatoes
were cut off. Then some
long-nosed sons of Israel,
who dwelt in the sunny
plains of Western Flanders,
._ said unto themselves, as
-- ^ ---- they played deftly on the
Sharps of the "people"-
-- "S'help us, here'sh a
goes !" They went round
-buy, buy, buy everywhere. Then extra supplies of the choicest
"'taters," fit for dukes or New Cut stalls, filled up the place of Erin's
most floury murphies.
Mr. Patrick Grunter, walking down Sackville Street another day, with

his friend Mr. Smaller Bacon, saw a notice stuck up. "Pork, 40, &c.;
ribs, &c.; tallow, &c."-
"Why, sure," he said, making a calculation, "they'll be selling the
streaky at twopence a pound soon."
Did I not tell you, Patrick, that day we looked at the aquarium,
that there were more fish in the sea than ever came out of it ? You
threw away the market, the Germans took it. Now, John Bull, by
habit, likes the German bacon better than yours. You won't get his
trade back again even if you wish it now." Then Mr. Patrick Grunter
sobbed bitterly. But it was too late,

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