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PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS) BY W. LAY,
I 53 FLEET STREET, E.C.
'sbci fl tI j e..
LONDON: PRINTED BY DALZIEL BROTHERS, CAMDEN PRESS, N.W.
THE swift sledge was speeding onward through the decades, ever keeping .
abreast of the times, flew they never so fast.f wrXtI
When men saw it flash and glitter in the sun, they hailed it with a shout of
delight, and laughed aloud with mirth at the sight of it.
Suddenly the piercing, far-seeing eye of its driver caught sight of a moving speck, pursued
by a more-swiftly moving mass.
"A lady in distress ".
It was too true! The wolves had almost come up with her: she was about to sink with ft
Quick as light, FUN guided the fleet and well-trained horses; and, as he whirled past, ". /
seized, rapidly but tenderly, the sinking form, and swept it into the sledge. With howls
of baffled hunger, the savage pack pursued the flying equipage in vain. In a few moments
the brutes were out of sight.
Who was the Lady ?" Her name was LIGHT-HEARTEDNESS.
What breed of Wolves were they?" They were of the fiercest and most ravenous of all
breeds: they were known as the CARES and
*WORRIES of LIFE.
What was the sled----'t But surely you
ABSENT One (The), 235
Account of the Celebration (An), 220
Addition to the Language (An), 171
Alarming Rumours in Europe, 284
A P L.-ayfnl Poem, 259
Appropriate Appellation (An) i91
BAD Case (A), 88
Bank Holiday (The), 62
Battling with the Birds, 139
Beaconsfield Skirt (The), 216
Bilious Briny (The), 151
Blunderberrys at Breakfast (The), 19, 35
Boskins's Bluebottle, 86
Boy Devil's Privilege (The), 168
Brighton Bluster, 227
Burleigh's Bait! 211a
By Contrast, 254
Chairman's Hat (The), 20
Christmas Crazy, 270
Clang of the Clock Tower (The), 3, 21, 31,
42, 45, 57. 67, 85
Co(a)stly Experiment (A), 197
Comic Singer (The), 148
Conscience Balm (The) So
Conversations for the Times, 8, 28. 38, 62,
86, 98, 6ti, 16o, 170, 178, 190, 228, 263
Counsel to Conservatives, 137
Cross Purposes, 149
Curious Comparison (A), 46
DASH it all I 20o
Death-Dealing Metropolis (The), 210
"Declined, with Thanks," 149
Delightful Dish (A), 138
Dental Ditty (A), 181
Dots by the Way, 220, 256
Doyles of Tralee (The), 212
Draught as Before (The), 252
Dreadfullest Yarn of All (The), o08
EARLOF SHAFTRSBURY, 155
Effusion from Erin (An), 162
"Element -ary Effusion (An), io9
English Custom (An), 275
Evolutionary Squadron (The), 18
Extra Touch, 293
FALLACY (A), 136
From Our Own Correspondent, 16o
Fun" in Lat. 5037 1' W.S.W. by E. 207
GLADSTONE Gamp I (The), 6o
G.O.G. (The), 149
Good Heart-ed, 263
Good Reasons, 234
Grand Old Sunbeamer (The), 78
Great Parrish (Ai, 143
HAND I Love (The), 40
Henley Glorioso! 15
Henley Ripple (A), 20
Hint to Holiday Makers, 47
"Holiday Arrangements," 69
Hotch-Potch, 151, 164, 259
Hughes-ful Art, 172
Human Noah's Ark (The), -3
IMPERFECT Reports, 253
Innocent Editor (The), 96
Insect and Other Lore, 116
Inspector's Failure (The), 30
Intelligent Foreigner on Lawn Tennis
"I Told You So!" 213
JAUNT (A), 30
Jim of Lackawanna, 191
Knowing North-Easter (The), 145
LAMENT of a Lantern-man (The), 152
Language of the Flowery Land (The), 265
Lavinia's Peculiarity, 221
Liberal Lament (A), 144
Long-looked-for Remedy (A), 60
Lost Opportunities, 6t
Lost, Stolen, or Strayed? 119
MINdS M.P.'s, 233
Misdirected L -'*r.:l" % Ii
Mist-erious .A 1 i :k -
Moore the Merrier, 223
Most Useful Style of Judge (A), 202
Much More Discreet, 52
Mudmortar Park, 274
Muzzle to Muzzle, 262
Mysterious Mixture (A), 22
NATIONALISTS' Triumph (The), 18o
Neglected Interests, 5
New Hair Apparent (A). 185
New System, (The), 221
Norton Jubilate 1 81
OCTAVIUS EBENEZER POTTS, II, 99
Only Their Little Joke, 118
On Mighty Pens," i19
Our Extra-Special, 10, 25, 46, 74, 97, it6,
137, 16i, 202, 239
Ozone Carpet Dance (The), 127
PAPERS (The), i9o
Parnell's Big Stick, 255
Peculiar Palliation, 243
"Planking it Down," 165
Plot with no Climax (A), 84
Policemen's Petition (The), 12
Proper Training (The), 2
Pupil of Parnell (A), 186
RACH-v Reason (A), 14
Randy the Recreant, 73
Return of the Popular Candidate(The), 275
Ridiculous Revival (A), 29
Romance of the River (A), 50
Royal Wedding (The), 40
SAILING on the Sea! (A), 109
Sailor's Constancy (The), 75
S1e-lient Points, 186
Several Ladies Who Scream (The), 200
"She Wore A--?" 143
Shocking Discovery (A), 18o
Sir Moses Montefiore, 61
Slapround's Chance, 187
Some Humorous Suggestions, 5o
Song of the Insanitary Board, ti9
Song of the Spouter (The), 244
Songs of Darkness, 1o
Songs of the Watering Places, it, 54, 64,
7 100oo, 143
Spoilt Broth, 197
Summed Up, 222
Sympathetic Snails, 276
TAILOR M.P.'s, 103
Taking their Measure, 30
They are Seven, 243
To the Rescue r44
Troth Gift (The), 158
True Heroes, 9
Turf Cuttings, Ir, 19, SB, 40, 52, 63, 75, 8I,
90, 102, 112, 123, 133, 142, 154, 279, 192,
203, 22I, 220, 234. 238, 252
UNCLE Mungo's Monkey, 232
Unexpected Note (An), 242
WARNING to Wooers (A), 107
Wedding Warble I (A), 35
What, Morose I Moi-aussi 1 174
Worth Attention! 242
AFTER the Grouse, o80
"Airy Nothing" (An), 171
A Lapsus Calami, 286
" All a-Blowing 1 67
All's Fair in Love and War, 203
An E. Long-ated joke, 1o
An Excellent Arrangement-for the Com-
Appropriate Music, 155
Arts and Barts, 2i
At a Curragh Meeting, 12
"At Steak,' 143
Away for the Holidays, 93
Bank Holiday Happiness 53
Battle of the Ballot (The), 246
Beakins's Partridge Shooting Experience,
Bottletop's Experience of Life Insurance,
CANNIBnALISt in North Wales, 193
Can Such Things Be? 259
Canvassing Among the Rustics, 224
Capital Substitute for Food (A), 260
Cattle Show Ahoy! 256
Cheerful Prospect (A), 179
Chess Notes, 217
"Children in Arms I" 227
Christmas and the Depression in Trade, 278
Circus Performers, Indeed I 185
Close of the Inventions Show, 197
Complete Tourist (The), 58, 68, 82, 94, ii4,
124, 134, 176, x88
Cruel Joke (A), 156
DARK Daze (A), 153
Day With the Tally-Ho Hunt (A), 194
Depression in Art (The), 127
Distressing Mistake (A), 166
Down by the Sea, 73
Dreadful Pity (A), 140
Drink, Bobby, Drink !" 74
Dusthole as it Should Be (The), 26
EASILY Crushed 1 2s8
Echoes from Covent Garden, 191
'Enery Hopkins's Holiday, 55
Evolutionary Electioneering, 213, 223, 234,
235, 244, 245
FALSELY Friendly Germ (The), 104
Fay (0' Fie I Her) (The), 237
Follow my Leader, 247
GLEANINGS in the Silly Season, 130
Going away, 87
H AcK-KRnE'D, 54
"Heartfelt Sympathy," 5x
He Who Steals My Time Steals My
How it Leaked Out, I12
IMPRESSIONS of a Lord Mayor's Show, 214
Incidents in the Life of a Parliamentary
"Increase" of the Police, tz
In Spite of all Precautions 48
Inter-editorial Charity, 39
John Bull and His Twins, 249
Jumbled Japs, 141
Just as the Guests were Beginning to Feel
Quite at Home, Too I 150
SKILLI.NG Two Birds," x61
Kiss and Tell, 40
LANDLADy'S Thumb (The), 146
Lesson n Division (A), 172
Little More Bank Holiday (A), 63
Lover of Solitude (The), 230
Luck's Everything, 33
MARVELLOUS Adventures of Our Coraic
Artist at a Christmas Party (The), 267
Meacock's Mistake, 173, 195
Misconceptions by the Sea, 77
Moon Struck Blind, 1o0
More Sketches of the Crisis, 9
Most Barberous, 236
NOT Rat-ificd 265
Not the Least Doubt of It, 181
"OLD England on the Lea," 129
Oldest Inhabitant (The), x9
On "Higher," 183
On the Prevention of Disease, 20o
Operatic Erminie-ties, 215
Our Omnificent Police Again, 16
Our Quiet Little Annual Dinner at the
"Shoofly, 159 "
PARLIAMENTARY Jottings, 47
Parnell-Plank (The) I 253
Parting Shot (A), 22
Patriot Absorbed (The), 250
Pencillings at Lord's, 85
Piscatorial Potterings; 175
Prepared for the Worst, 76
Puddler's Christmas Robin, 279
QUITE Another Person, 240
Quite Excusable, 264
RATHER a Waste, 6
Renouncirg His Father, 150
Revolver Demon (The), 128
Roasters Roasted, 81
Robinkins, Smithson, and Brownins, 13
SAILING Close to the Wind, 192
Satisfactory Explanation (A), 201
Seaside Euphemisms, 65
Seaside Sirens, 79
Seasonable Notes, 277
Second Thoughts are Best, 32
Seeking a Subject, 225
Some Reasonable Inferences, x65
Some Scientific Folk, 84
Something Like (C)anoe Sauce 69
Strange Fish at the Aquarium, izi
State ot the Markets (The), 233
Sweet Surprise (A), 275
TAKING it Easy, 31
Terrible Infant (A), 97
Theatrical Gossip, in
"Ticket The," 137
"Time is Money," 25
Too Big an Affront to be Pocketed, xog
Tram-Car Slave and the Tram-Car Director
Triumph of Bung (The\ 263
Two Lord Randolphs (The), 220
UNDER the Clock in November, 205
Up River Sketches, 15
VERY Latest Invention (The), 113
Vicar-ious Humour, 89
Victim (Theo, 43
WHAT it Will End In-Smoke 35
"With a Vengeance," 0o3
YACHTING Season (The), 117
"AGREEMENT (The)," 7
BACK from the Wars, 261
Bank Holiday, 59
Barking at the G. 0. M., 283
CHAINED to the Counter, xo5
DISPUTED Possession 1 125
GREAT Ballot Boxing Match (The) 241
Great Walking and Talking Match (The),
His Little Game, 95
IN Deep Waters, 70
In Strange Waters, 49
LAY of the Last Ministry (The), 219 -
MARCHING to Battle, 2Q9
Measured with Bright I 177
Michaelmas Manifesto (A), 147
ON Board the Sunbeam," 83
On the High Wire, x57
POLITICAL Fireworks, 199 -
REST I I35
Return of the Popular Candidate (The), 272
Rival Ballot Singers (The), 231
Rival Performers, 115
Royal Wedding (The), 36
SOLD to Parnell and Co., 251
TORY Manifesto (A), 167
Trying on His Policy, 17
JULY i, 1885. .FU N .
THE pale gold of the woodbine shed a Welsh
I- rarebitty glow over the classic features of Mr.
FUN as he passed through the antique porch o0
his palatial country residence. Gaily the jester
whistled as he sauntered towards a flowery mead.
Pleasantly he smiled at the liver-worts and fungi
of gorgeous hue that adorned the cottage roofs.
"This mead is delightfully green and pastoral,"
warbled the mirthmaker, "what care I that my
calves have been torn by brambles ? Hark I
reverentially to that sweet
-prophet of nature, the
grasshopper, mixing his
shrill chirp withthehoarse
-croak of the frog. Ha I
fll howit pleases me towatch
yon little hedgehogs for-
age for insects, snails,
toads and mice I Strange-
ly, too, I wonder as I list
to the lowing of cattle
-- among deep umbrage,
and the jangling of sheep-
bells in the remote dis-
tance, which is really the
more toothsome dish-prime sirloin of beef, or delicate forequarter of lamb ?" Here the jester paused, and after improving the aroma of the
new-mown hay with the scent of a rare cigar, laughingly continued, "Nature and Art must go merrily hand-in-hand," and several sour young
gooseberries could scarce contain themselves from bursting their hairy husks as he announced to the world the
FORTY-SECOND VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES OF FUN'"
VOL. XLII.-NO. 1051.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
SHE GRAND.-A series of
S weekly changes are going
on at this theatre during
the "off season ;" the va-
riety is a little too rapid
for me to keep pace with
in these pages, but I must
put it on record that the
1 *'i Islingtonians are getting
'' some capital fare under
Ii the system. Miss Lizzie
Coote and her company
\, (comprising such promi-
nent artists as Messrs. E.
W. Royce, F. Storey, and
H. Parker, and Miss F.
Robina), appeared there
S' last week in comedy and
""- s --L- burlesque; and this week
CHERRY DOWN ON HIS LLCK-AN OBJECT FOR Miss Violet Cameron,
CHERRY-TY. Miss Kate Monroe, and
others from the Comedy, are appearing in Boccaccio. In a week or two
Mr. C. Collette takes a turn with The Colonel, and so on until Septem-
ber, when Mr. C. Wilmot commences his regular autumn season.
Miss COOTE is an established favourite of mine as a burlesque artist.
I don't think she is quite so good as she thinks she is, mind you, for she
is strongly given to overact everything she touches; but she is exactly
the right shape, and as straight as a dart in her stockings. She looks
very pretty in a light wig (your light wig is a great beautifier, mark you) ;
she can sing, and she dances with exceptional expertness and originality;
she has all the necessary "go too, but she has one large-sized, double-
extra, three-ply fault-she is so over-anxious to make her "points,"
that she spoils them right and left; frequently she keeps us waiting for
a word, or part of a word, so long that we have found it out for our-
selves, used it, and done with it long before she gives it to us, by which
time it is too stale, and we don't care twopence about it. For all that,
I hope that nasty gash I saw her give her arm is better by this time,
THE funniest thing I saw in that burlesque was the handing up of a
small bouquet (evidently clubbed together for by the leader of the
orchestra and one of the attendants) to a large female person in black,
who smiled too much, and gabbled unintelligibly through some twenty
lines in the course of the evening. I suppose it was a prize for incom-
petency-she said she was bad" herself.
THE COMEDY.-Mr. Sydney Grundy's clever piece, The Silver Shield,
produced tentatively at the Strand last month, has been placed in the
evening bill here on the occasion of Miss Violet Melnotte assuming the
governmental reins of the establishment. That Mr. Grundy's play is a
good play, and good literature too, I am firmly of opinion; but for all
that, there are certain "sensitivenesses" in it that have not been suffi-
ciently regarded, I think. In the first place, The Comedy is not the
theatre for it ; it is a house of certain traditions which attracted a cer-
tain clientele, and The Silver Shield is rather too earnest work for them.
Then three out of the four parts which have changed hands since the
matinte suffer by it-con-
siderably. They each re- '
quire delicate handling X
too. There is not much s
that is offensive either in. '
Mr. Percy Compton's '
Dr. Dozey (which is of lp '
too low-comedy a tinge, I
and wanting in observa-
tion), or Miss M. Davis's I .'
Mrs. Dozey (which is I ---
wanting in colour), but
they will not do after the '
finished performances of 4. l I
Murray; and Mr. Arthur
Roberts' facial and phy-
sical contortions (comical
enough in themselves, I
suppose), enable him to T AND- O
make but a poor show TE GAN U CTCHY, ou!
after the essentially characteristic performance of Mr. Groves.
THESE are drawbacks which I am afraid will have serious effects
upon the fortunes of the play, which, if I am right, is more than a pity;
for, apart from the intrinsic merits of the piece, two finer performances
than those of Miss Amy Roselle and Miss Kate Rorke have not graced
the stage for some time. There is a delightful piquancy about the
admirable skill and finish with which the former lady impersonates the
impetuously hturtian Alma Blake with all her varying phases and moods,
and there is scarcely any height to which a young actress like Miss
Rorke may hot hope to reach after the truth and intensity shown by.her
in the second act-a scene, by-the-way, which Mr. Grundy has
strengthened with signal cleverness. Mr. Beauchamp repeated his ad-
mirable performance of Sir Humphrey. Mr. Percy Lyndal follows Mr.
Herbert with an excellent rendering of Ned, and Mr. Arthur Dacre
reappears as Tom Porter-rather improved, I think, on the whole.
There is a tendency to slowness all round, but a few nights' performance
will no doubt remove that fault.
NODS AND WINKS.-Messrs. R. South and F. Evered are giving a
drawing-room entertainment, called Mirth and Music, at the Egyptian
Hall just now. South in the West Who ever heard or Evered of such
a thing? The amusement is of a somewhat mild order, but I've seen
worse, and-yes-I've seen a good deal better,-A new journal of
amusement entitled Gaiety, and having a comprehensive programme,
will make its bow next week, under the editorial sway of Mr. G. W.
Plant, late editor of Society. NESTOR.
THE PROPER TRAINING.
["University College Hospital, London, W.C., June iith, 1885. Dear Sir,-
Your information is quite correct. We do not receive probationers who are not
members of the Church of England. Yours faithfully, CECILIA, Sister Superior."-
Reply to an astonished question.-See Daily Paper.]
OH, Rose is the maiden inspiring my verse,
Her papa was a worthy newsagent and statio;.erf;
And she wanted to go as an hospital nurse,
So they managed to get her a berth as probationer.
And where she was fixed was the very best place
To trust a relation, or cheerfully risk a pal;
For 'twas plainer, perhaps, than the nose on my face
That her method and training were strictly episcopal.
She was wholly au faith with her national church
And its least sacerdotal symbolical mystery;
And you'd find yourself rapidly left in the lurch
If you touched upon its, and collateral, history.
She'd give you Hegesippus, Warnefried, Bede,
Calixtus, Theophanes, Rome's penitentiaries;
And, if you permitted the action, proceed
To quote by the page from the Magdeburg Centuries.
She knew all the points that a service revealed,
Which details were casual, which were habitual;
She knew Edward's rubric that wasn't repealed,
And every turn of the Anglican Ritual.
Her Ancient and Modern she knew upside down,
And held other hymnals a sort of enormity;
And always assumed an incredulous frown
At any allusion to low Nonconformity.
In vestmental lore she stood every test,
Told what ceremonials furnished the cue for them-
The Chasuble, Maniple, Stole, and the rest-
And stated each season's appropriate hue for them.
Her knowledge was such as but few people shared
(Our Rose would remark, with excusable vanity);
And no one, I'm sure, could be better prepared
To cope with the physical ills of humanity.
With doses of Wycliffe she'd fevers allay,
She treated the measles (her system to test it sure)
By giving canonicals six times a day,
And she bound broken limbs with the Right of Investiture.
Whenever emetics by chance were required,
She doled them out Wesley or Spurgeon in particles;
The asthma she dealt with by writings inspired,
And treated rheumatics with Thirty-nine Articles.
The patients who found themselves under her sway
Made wonderful progress and speedy recovery,
For none of them stopped with her more than a day,
Ere winging their flight with rapidity plovery.
The fame of her treatment was noised through the land,
Till they came and they praised her with beaming urbanity,
And persuasively led little Rose by the hand-
To a cell in a Home for the cure of insanity I
MR. DAVITT is writing a new book of prison life. It will be interest-
ing, you may take your affi-Davitt.
TULY I, 1885.
JULY I, 1885. T88N .3
"The Agreement;" or, Fighting Made Easy.
AND could not the arrangement be arranged,
And did it come to nothing after all?
Assurances specific must we have,
Before we will consent to undertake
The risks and cares of office." So they said,
But after manifold palaverings,
Negotiation and much mystery,
And writing confidential messages
Intended to salute the public eye,
They seemed to find that what they could not get
Might very probably be done without,
And, gathering up the reins of government,
Just let assurances specific slide.
Good reader, ponder o'er these incidents,
And take their fruitful lesson to thy heart.
If thou perchance may'st be a little boy,
Consider how absurd it is to say
To him that is a bigger boy than thou,
Supposing that I smite thee on the mouth,
I prithee stake thy davy unto me
That thou wilt neither strive to turn the blow,
Nor in reply to hit me on the nose;" n 9.:,,3
Because, good reader, he that hath the power
Don't feel disposed to make rash promises,
And can't a-bear to be dictated to.
The Human Noah's Ark.
[At a recent fancy ball, in Paris, the guests appeared representing
birds, beasts, and fishes ]
IF the enterprising Briton
Should take pattern of Mossoo,"
Doubtless he would quickly hit on
Fauna for his human Zoo.
A water wag-tail would come handy
For Sir Wilfrid Lawson's guise;
As a chaff-finch Master Randy
Would not cause the least surprise.
If our Gladdy should be dressed in
Kingly lion's tawny hide,
Ashmead-Bartlett's form, compressed in
Badger, should be by his side,
Tories all as fla(i)ce should go there,
Nor should their policy be missed;
This a Dodo, then, could show there,
For they both no more exist 1
MOTTO picked up at South Kensington.-Necessity is the
mother of Inventions Exhibition.
Young T. Caday.-" An I HOW D'YE DO, MISS PRETTYPRRT? OUT
ON THE ROCKS WHEN THE TIDE IS Low.' LOOKING FOR ME, EtH?"
Miss P.-" NOT EXACTLY. I WAS LOOKING FOR UNCOMMON OBJECTS
OF THE SEA SHORE."
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
FRIDAY, June, 19.-Salisbury's hat shows signs of wear and tear at
the (brim. Been returning so many salutations lately. Shall call him
the lord of raising his Hat-field, if it goes on much longer. Politicians
hang about him like little boys round newly arrived railway passengers,
only instead of "Carry your portmanteau?" it's "Carry one of your
portfolios, my lord?" But those gentlemen rather uneasy. Negotia-
tions between Hatfield and Windsor not all serene. Instead of Hat-
field proceedings, rumour speaks of Hilchin proceedings. Salisbury
wants pledge that other side will refrain from factious opposition. Tory
party have for past five years set such a glorious example of that sort of
thing. Liberals on the other hand say, how can beer and whisky
party "take the pledge?" Very well, says Cecil. It's Cecily ar-
ranged. And while the Whigs say to Gladstone, "Keep your seat,
William," Salisbury say to the Upper House, "Keep your Seats' Bill."
Commons.-Gay and festive Randy off to Ascot, sends Staffy in
just to look after the shop while he's gallivanting. ,No real trade doing
while business changing hands, says Randy. Gladdy reports deadlock,
and the Speaker joyfully informs the House he has received a letter
from an absent friend-the dismembered member for Northampton.
Tuesday 23rd.-Granville announces Salisbury gone to Windsor, and
Tories accepted office-that is, in the game of political chess, have
brought up their Queen-castled-and given their opponents a temporary
check. Lord Denman moves second reading of suffering woman's Suf-
frage Bill. Ungallant lords too busy to bother about the ladies just now.
Commons.-Hitch arranged. Conservatives can scarcely restrain them-
selves from jumping over table to benches on Speaker's right, but con-
tent themselves with humming "We shall soon be at home over there 1"
Ashmead-Bartlett going to be Civil Lord of Admiralty. Well, not a
a bad stroke, says Gladdy, to make that man civil-anything. "Jesse,
the flower of" Ipswich, afraid Medical Relief Disqualification Bill
going to be shelved. Re-assured by Premier. For this Relief much
thanks." Parish patients impatient of disqualification.
Wednesday.-At last I See us reverse. Opposition side becomes
Ministerialist, and vice versd. Parnellites, however, remain below
Opposition gangway. Liberals have to sit on camp-stools and each
other's knees. Mission of the Parnell party to block the gangway in
more senses than one. New writs issued for Ministerial seats. Sorry
to lose Sir Stafford-Libs. quite as much as the others. Firm friend-
Thursday.-Deadlock opened in both Houses, and both adjourned to
July 6. More new writs. Lewisham gets a Legge up. Eye is now
Eye-open, A. B. becoming a Civil Lord-reward of merit. Play up,
Conservative youths, behold the result of consistently and unmannerly
badgering a Grand Old Man I
Stoves Oil Stoves I
ALL sorts and sizes you may find, and sure to find one to your mind,
to cook your meat, to boil your pot, to serve for one, to serve a lot-
oil cooking stoves 1 The best you see, to warm or cook efficiently, at
home, abroad, in tents, on hills, most ripping are the Rippingille's."
You will do well to haste and try them, you can't do better cept to buy
4 F UN. j~JULY 1885.
FUN'8 THEATRICAL "PAGES."
No. 13.-"PASSING PLAYS."
UNDER THE CLOC
JULY 1, 1885. FU N 5
IF it isn't asking too much, perhaps the police will give an eye to
the proceedings of the beer-sodden, gin-pickled ruffians, who prowl
and loaf about the Euston Road at night,
in quest of prey, and who are a terror
to all respectable women, and weakly
elderly men who happen to pass by their
haunts and lairs.
THIS is a cold, cold world indeed.
Ability is so frequently frozen out sharply.
Eighteen talented, capable murderers have
been sentenced to death by the Assize
ti Court of the Seine. The "extenuating
circumstances" mania has died out.
A DREADFULLY wicked, atrocious, im-
becile fellow who threw a stone or two at a
window of pious William's Palace, Unter
den Linden, has escaped with the absurdly
light sentence of eighteen months' im-
prisonment. This trivial punishment for
a terrible crime is due to the exceeding
mercy of the forgiving German Emperor.
THE law is very severe at times on well-meaning folk. A blacksmith
the other day found that his wife absolutely refused to obey him.
Therefore, considering she stood in need of wholesome correction, he
flourished a knife about her neck with the dexterity of a juggler;
cleverly executing at the same time a mazurka on her vitals. The poor
fellow, who asserted that he only wished to make his wife keep her mar-
riage vows of obedience, is now undergoing six weeks' hard labour for
asserting his legal authority. Again, an unfortunate young fellow
recently whipped his two-and-a-half year old son for repeated acts of
gross disobedience; the baby would persist in sucking his fingers after
being ordered to desist. Acting on wise Solomon's advice, this father
did not spare the rod, for he flogged the child till his tiny body was
literally covered with cuts and bruises. The law has effectually pre-
vented this well-meaning father from correcting his own baby for three
months to come. Hard lines! that baby may turn out a confirmed
scamp by the time the parent regains his liberty.
THE head-master of a Board-school has allowed us to read over some
of his pupils' essays "On Eminent Statesman." Most of the com-
positions were more or less amusing; but we copied one by a promising
youth, aged II, headed "Lord Salisbury." Here it is verbatim:-_
"This nobbelman wallers in wealth, but is fond of making his own
medsines, seedlitz powders, blakdraffs and sechlike, bein' also bald,
round-shouldered, and a weighin' sixteen stun.. This nobbelman in his
young days quarrell much with his father, which is not onusual, I do
that myself, I hope though his father didn't give this nobbelman the
strap like my father do me. But even if he did, Lord Salisbury was a
fat boy, and the strap and the cane does not hurt fat boys as much as
lean, becos their nerveses is thicker covered. Onfortunately I am a
lean boy.-Signed, D HAMBY."
WE moan about bad times, and assert that everybody is drifting to-
wards ruin, and that everything is going to smash. Yet two thousand
pounds could be spent in providing the lunch given at the Guildhall on
Monday, when that inestimable boon, the freedom of the City of London,
was presented to Prince Albert Victor. The dejected poverty of the
mass of the nation is truly really appalling, however. Only one million
of people have been able (up to now) to find means to visit the Inven-
tories," and enjoy themselves lavishly and merrily.
IRISHMEN do not love a row more fervently than Spaniards. Because
the Spanish government announced in a paternal way the existence of
cholera in Madrid, the hot blood of the inhabitants boiled with indigna-
tion at the insult put upon them. Excited beyond bounds at the impu-
dence displayed by the authorities, and the cholera; they eased their
choler by attacking the Civil Guards. In the melde that ensued two
men were killed and eleven persons seriously injured. Most of the rioters
will now keep quiet until the Madrid cholera tournament is in full swing;
then they will break out and kick up a bother because the authorities
did not give them an earlier notice of the approach of the fearful
GAOLS I" grunted a North Queensland pioneer to a questioner, "we
ain't got no gaols up in the bush. When we gits hold on a nigger worts
done anything' wrong we jist ties him up to a tree till he's examined."
"But who examines him?" asked the questioner. "The chum wort
cuts him down, and the chums wort burys him," drily replied the
N. Q. P. blowing out a heavy cloud of tobacco smoke and sighing con-
[" The bourgeoisie of Madrid are furious with the Spanish government for telling
the truth about the presence of Asiatic cholera in the capital. They think it is the
chief business of the administration to say nothing which can frighten away their
customers. The government, it is said, have made the announcement for
Now whether his singular conduct took rise
(As many, with palpable reason, surmise)
From the sorriest ignorance under the sun,
Or wholly mistaken conception of fun;
Or whether the germ, or inception, or bud
Of latent insanity lurked in his blood
(Which others consider his conduct implied),
Remains an enigma, and hard to decide.
Some fancied he did it that people might say:-
Observe him I He acts in a singular way I
Perhaps he's a poet I No doubt we shall find
He isn't a person of commonplace mind I"
But he didn't behave as a citizen who
Respects his position should certainly do;
His conduct was such as would hardly beseem
A modern-original in the extreme I
Pursuing its grim and inconsequent way,
That nuisance, the cholera, got him one day;
On getting an inkling of which, in a trice
The neighbours came calling to give him advice.
The first was a statesman, as wise as could be:
"And now that the cholera's got you," said he,
"Of course you will act, in your critical state,
As wholesome political reasons dictate? "
The next was a trader; he said, if you please:-
And so you've contracted this awkward disease?
Of course your arrangements will simple be made
With an eye to the good, and advancement, of trade ?"
The third was a lawyer: he pointed with tact
The way that a cholera patient could act,
Whose natural leaning exclusively saw
The good and the glory of lawyers and law.
The martial commander, the nautical chief,
The tinker, the tailor, the ploughboy, the thief,
Came in in succession, and kindly went through
The things that a cholera patient should do.
Our patient reflected, and calmly surveyed
The course of procedure demanded by trade,
By politics, thieving, the navy, the plough,
And the rest of the interests noted just now;
And then-it behoves me to tell you the fact-
Such a curious way for a creature to act I-
He settled to do, in his critical state
As the needs ofa cholera patient dictate I
It's painful indeed ; but I have it to tell-
He sent for a doctor and got himself well,
Ignoring and leaving to wither and fade
The claims of diplomacy, lawyers, and trade I
Oh, well may it stagger the mind with amaze
So coarse a departure from civilised ways !
All over the world it created a hum:
But Europe was paralysed-petrified-dumb.
[A Tory journal protests against Lord R. Churchill, who is thirty-six years of age,
being regarded as "a mere boy."]
THIS Conservative paper makes haste to destroy
The notion that Randolph is but "a mere boy I"
But the notion, to check which, this Tory sheet craves,
Is borne out by the way that young Churchill behaves;
But still 'twill afford some a measure of joy,
Lord R.'s merely b(u)oy-ant-and not "a mere boy."
AN expert says, "A young swell, asking for a 'nip' at a West-end
restaurant, gets a very palatable and inocuous spirit." The expert has
concealed the name of the restaurant. This is selfish, very selfish.
RATHER A -WASTEI
["The policeman who skilfully bound up a poor woman's leg the other day, &c., &c. Policemen would be ar more useful than they are ii they were trained in a
little medical knowledge. Another valuable addition to their accomplishments would be afforded by a slight course of training in fire-brigade practice," &c., &c.-
You take a physician, a surgeon, a Hercules, a fireman, a
Job, and a few other ingredients; and you roll them carefully
Then what do you do? Do you-having produced such a paragon-properly put him under a glass-case, and keep the flies off all day long? No? What! You
younwouldont mean to tell us that you blindly hand over such a treasure to be demolished by the first mad dog or burglar's revolver that happens to turn up? Oh, no, John,
r]___.FTJJ -JULYI, 1885.1
OR, FIGHTING MADE EASY.
Master Salisbury.-" MOTHER SAYS I MAY 'IT YOU; BUT IF YOU 'IT ME, I'LL 'OLLER."
8 FU N JULY I, 1885.,
FROM THE COAST.
HERE isn't a doubt of it,
.Tf .Editor mine,
i The weather's uncom-
So to scuttle away to the
sand and the brine
Is ust as much sense as
To bathe, and to stroll, and
get thoroughly brown
S As you lie on your back
Sin the sun,
S.: Is better by far than re-
_i '---" gaining in town
And eternally editing
The place where I'm stay-
ing is passingly dull,
But it's suited exactly to me;s passngly dull,
There's nothing about but an elderly gull,
And the rocks, and the sand, and the sea.
We live upon mussels, and lobsters, and soles
(Or beef, by occasional grace),
We've a post twice a week (when they bring round the coals),
And there isn't a band in the place.
So you who reside in the worrying world,
Afar from "apartments" and views ;"
And the shore where the sea has for centuries curled
Must feel rather anxious for news.
And as you are thoughtfully pacing the Strand
(The which, by the way, so am I),
Why, you are the fellow to make the demand,
Which I am the chap to supply.
You must know, then, the School Board authorities met,
And, supported by Princess Louise,
A large deputation attempted to get
Their rooms for night schools, if you please;
For popular lecturers' lectures, likewise
Entertaining affairs of that class,
By which the philanthropist steadily tries
To raise what is known as "the mass."
In Italy also, 'twill please you to hear,
A political crisis they've had-
It hadn't the slightest connection with beer,
And it wasn't so awfully bad.
The Festival down at the Palace, I think,
Was up to the usual mark;
And so, I may mention while slinging my ink,
Was the Coaching Club meet in the Park,
A couple of colliery accidents, p'r'aps,
Are more than most people desire,
And isn't it time those "authority" chaps
Did something more use than "inquire ?
Inquiry is all very well in its way
When it's used as a means to an end,
But it doesn't bring dead men to life, I should say,
Or give widows and orphans a friend !
The statue of Liberty, given by France,
Has reached the American shore.
(It used so much stone that I think it's a chance
If we ever obtain any more 1)
The Tories have made up their mindlets at last,
And taken the Government seats,
The way they've gone on for a week or two past
Was the rummiest of comical treats.
The swell Caledonian Fancy Dress Ball
Has come and departed again;
The Baron de Worms got his case, after all
(Which was right, as I needn't explain).
The musical people who met and discussed,
Have hit on a pitch, it is said ;
The Sydney contingent are home (well, I trust),
And I'm Yours, as of old,
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.,
THE PROCESS OF, EVOLUTION.
FIRST FOREIGN POWER. Ah, that's all right. At last we shall be
able to call our souls our own without being domineered over by the
"Naval Supremacy of Britain." The British Fleet is going to indulge
in Evolutions "-actually going to venture on the sea I
SECOND F. P. Yes, so I hear. That's all right, then. We need
not build any more torpedo-boats-they're superfluous.
THE LORDS OF THE ADMIRALTY. Come, Mr. Shipbuilder; we're
waiting to begin the evolutions, and you haven't delivered those new
SHIPBUILDER. Oh, all right. We couldn't find any paper thin
enough for the hulls, so we had to order some to be made specially.
Ah, here's the special tissue paper just arrived. We've only got to
stiffen it with gum arabic and get the glue hot.
FIRST LORD OF ADMIRALTY. Good morning, Mr. Neptune, sir.
Ah-we are about to practise some evolution of the-ah-British Fleet on
a grand scale. It is to be a spectacle such as will strike the world with
awe and amazement. The naval supremacy of Britain is to be exem-
plified in a manner which will conclusively prove that-a-in fact-
NEPTUNE. That Britannia Rules the Waves, eh?
FIRST L. OF A. Exactly-a most happy phrase-only I just called in
to ask you, as a particular favour to Great Britain, not to allow any
waves on the occasion.
NEPTUNE. No waves ?" Why, shiver my timbers, I thought you'd
like me to stir up the ocean a bit, just to show off the sailing qualities
of the British ships. Why Rodney, and Benbow, and Nelson, always
used to stipulate f6r a bit o' breeze and a handful o' white horses when
they went in for any kind of evolu-
FIRST L. OF A. Ah, no doubt. But the fact is, our shipbuilder tells
me that-eh, Mr. Shipbuilder. You don't think it would do to-a-to
have a wave or two?
SHIPBUILDER. Good heavens, no I I never-calculated for anything
of that sort, it would upset everything. If any of the vessels should get
wet above the varnish-line, the result would be most calamitous I
FIRST L. OF A.' There, you hear what he says, Mr. Neptune. I
really must request you most earnestly to exercise the utmost care that
not even a ripple gets near the fleet I
NEPTUNE. Oh, well, I'll do my best; but a wave or two will break
loose at times. Ugh I What a fleet I
ADMIRAL OF THE FLEET (anxiously to his captains). I fancy it's calm
enough to venture out of harbour now, isn't it ? Come on, weigh anchor
and stand out-that's it. Oooh, I say I Good heavens I I
can see, through my glass, a distinct wave half a mile off on the port
bow. It must be at least a foot in height I It is bearing down full on
the fleet. We are lost-that is, the fleet is. Get the boats out I
CAPTAIN OF FLAGSHIP. Very sorry, sir, but somebody has sat down
on the long-boat and stove it in; and the pinnace has been soaked with
rain and is quite pulpy; and the gig-
THE BRITISH PUBLIC. Lovely evolutions, aren't they? There, the
ripple has caught the Admiral's flagship and capsized her I And a dol-
phin is bearing down on that cruiser, which is manoeuvring hard to avoid
him-and now the dolphin collides with her and knocks a large hole; and
"in spite of the fact that thewater-tight bulkheads aresecurely closed," she
fills in two minutes and goes down like a stone I And a sailor has pushed
his boot through the shell of that torpedo-boat, and she disappears.
And the Pip is getting pulpy with the wet; and the Snipi has broken
her screw; and the Blowfly has shaken herself into shreds; and the
Sneezer has struck on a bottle cork, and the Wheezer has turned turtle,
Well, there is some sport, anyhow I
JULY I, 1885. F-UN 9
MORE SKETCHES OF THE CRISIS.
BRUSHING UP HIS POLICY. THE POLITICAL CADGER.
Lord S.-"GENTLY, RANDY, GENTLY; WE ARE RATHER Mr. G.-"iI REALLY CANNOT AFFORD TO GIVE YOU ANY
THIN ON THE TOP." MORE ASSISTANCE. YOU MUST LEARN TO SUPPORT-YOURSELF."
TRUE HEROES. New Leaves.
[See reports of the late terrible explosion at the Clifton Hall Colliery, and of the THE District Railway Guides to the International Inventions Exhi-
bravery of Worrall and the exploring party.] bition" (Alfred Boot and Son). This will greatly help visitors to
ONCE again has a dread explosion spread horror throughout the land, knowing how to get there and back, what to look for, and where to
And at one fell swoop has slaughtered a vast hard-working band; find it.-" The International Inventions Exhibition Railway Guide"
A hundred and seventy victims the terrible fire-damp slew,- (William Clowes & Sons, Limited) is simply what it says it is, and
A hundred and seventy toilers, to their duties devoted and true. nothing more.-" Summer Tours in Scotland" (David MacBrayne,
Sons and brothers and fathers, who for mothers and sisters and wives, Glasgow). Those who are able to go for summer tours may, with this
And for dearly beloved children went daily to risk their lives, official guide in hand, take the royal route by one of David MacBrayne's
i splendid steamers (to whose fine fleet has recently been added the noble
Sixteen hundred feet beneath the earth, shut out from the light of day, Grenadier), and enjoy the sight of some of the grandest scenery in all
With their work they sped for their daily bread, and at danger showed Scotland.
no dismay I "Walks in Epping Forest" (edited by Percy Lindley). This praise-
And on that day they, with cheerful hearts, went down in that deep, worthy and complete work shows that it is easy and unpleasant to lose
dark shaft, yourself in the forest; but it shows more clearly how much easier and
And they wrecked not of ill, as they worked with a will, and heartily pleasanter it is to find yourself there, and what lovely places lie, as it
joked and laughed- were, at the Londoners' doors.
Then, swift as the darting lightning's flash, -like a demon with Academy Sketches," including various exhibitions (edited by Henry
scorching breath, Blackburn). Here are two hundred illustrations, composed of reproduc-
Came the blasting, choking fire-damp flame bringing horrible pain-and tions of the most notable pictures in the five principal exhibitions. It
death I is a splendid show of artistic ability, reflects great credit on the collector,
And then, in thai moment, that seemed an age, so crowded with death and, for frequent study, is worthy of careful preservation.
When sufferers thought of the loved ones at home whom they never New Music.
would see again,-
When poor lads in agony shrieked aloud, and panic and terror grew WILLCOCKS AND Co., BERNERS STREET.
rife,- THE Soldier's Guard," words by Clement Scott, music by W. C.
Up rose a hero to succour them, ay e'en at the risk of his life Levey. The words are grand, and truly apropos of all true-hearted
With a heart of immovable courage, and a calm unfaltering brain, Englishmen's feelings at the present time. Mr. Levey's music is, as
There he bravely stood to direct them, while around fell the -suffring usual, tuneful, and thoroughly pleasing.
and slain I- "The Flower of England's Chivalry," words by Alfred Maltby, music
And, thanks to his God-given courage, as their terrible fate he braved, composed by Frank Musgrave, is a martial song, written most ably in
He inspired his mates with strength and hope, and hundreds of lives were honour of the ever-to-be-lamented General Gordon. It is well worthy
saved I of our highest praise.
"Marche Soudanese," by May Ostlere (dedicated to Lord Chas.
But, apart from the gallant Worrall (who for courage and self-control Beresford), is a march illustrative of the war in the Soudan, and if well
Will always be proudly honoured on the world's mighty hero-scroll), executed, is decidedly an effective piece; but we prefer May Ostlere's
There were other brave-hearted fellows soon ready to lend a hand, valses to her more ambitious efforts.
And, defiant of death and danger, they formed an exploring band. "On Fancy's Wings I Fly to Thee," by L. M. Thornton, music by
And, thanks to these true heroes, whose deeds in the Clifton Hall mine, Brookman, is very sweet and pretty.
'Mid the records of British bravery ever will brightly shine, Midnight Valse," by Charles Aug Jung. Decidedly one of the best
Many precious lives were rescued, and restored to those whom they love- compositions of the season; is sure to be a great favourite, because
Such deeds, great to us, are greater in the sight of God above I of its simplicity and sweet melody.
I 10 FUN. JULY 1885.
AN E. LONG-ATED JOKE.
Intelligent Foreigner.-" Oui, VRAIMENT; ZAT PRECTURE IS OF ZE
EXCELLENT ; ALMOST AS FINE AS SOME OF THOSE ONES IN ZE SALON."
'Arry (at back, overhearing).-" SAL LONG,' BE BLOWED! ON MY
CATTYLOG IT SRS AS IT WAS PAINTED BY E. LONG I"
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES A-TOURNAMENTING.
THE Royal Military Tournament, Sir, was better than ever this
season, and if it didn't Turn-a-mint" o' money for the excellent
charities it was established to aid, it can't have been the "Tourn-I-
meant" to allude to when I began this Extra-Specializing.
All the items in the programme were good. The way the Royal
Artillery galloped a gun drawn by six horses between two posts, so
placed as to leave only an inch or so of spare-room for it, was in itself a
most inchenious feat; and if they can drive a bargain as closely as they
did that gun-carriage, I should like them to do all my shopping for me.
As a wag on my left remarked at the time : Why, the spare-room
allowed 'em is scarcely big enough for a flea's sleeping apartment. I'm
blessed if it is I And the wag on my left was right, Sir.
One of the prettiest features of the show was the Musical Ride ot the
Royal Horse Guards. A sergeant of the regiment, who was near me in
undress uniform, assured me that this ride required almost endless re-
hearsing" on the part of the men.
"And a good deal of 're-horsing, too? '" I ventured to suggest.
"And you'd be astonished," the communicative sergeant went on,
"to see how excited they are at first, both the men and the horses."
"Not at all," I replied, "for I've always understood that they have
to be soothed with 'Steed-man's Powders.'" *
On this, however, some one in the arena pulled a trigger, and the
chatty sergeant went off, like a shot.
This reminds me, Sir, of the appropriate way the ladies dressed.
If I were you, Sir, I'd issue an "Extra-Special" tariff for advertisements of this
kind, to be worked into the text in my neatest style. A small commission on the
price paid would satisfy me.-Y. E.-S. R.
Numbers of them came in new "shot "-silks; whilst some wore "ball"
dresses with shell "-jackets over.
It was good sport to see the King's Own Hussars do their scouting.
A corps of college gyps from Oxford could not have showed to
better advantage as scouts. In one detail however, the gypss" would
have surpassed the Hussars. The latter were admittedly put forward
to feel for their enemies.
Now your regular "gyp," so far from even feeling for his enemies,
never even feels for his friends. He has, in fact, no feeling.
The horses, I now see, had been trained to do their various wonderful
eats by the "' Rarey system of treatment.
I understand now, then, why it was that the air of the reserved gallery
was so Rareyfied last week. What a good quip I might have madt
last week about the tournament being virtually only a "Raree" show I
The episode of the storming of a fort is a very spirited one. The din
of battle when the infantry sally forth is very natural. In fact, there
was so much Sally-din about it that I thought at first it was a revival
of the struggle between Richard Cceur de Lion and the Saracens.
The way a party of the Dragoons go through a quadrille on horseback
is wonderful. As an encore the same men and horses danced the Lancers.
But though I personally spoke to the ring-master about it, the Lancers
who were present did not dance the Dragoons. Nor did the Horse
Guards dance the Artillery.
No doubt, however, these additional Terpsichorean exercises will be
given next season.
It was quite exciting to watch the horses under fire. Some of them
were over 16 hands, too. Of course these were under fire most.
I am glad to state, in conclusion, Sir, that only blank cartridges were
used, and that the surgeons present had to issue no "bullet-in" during
the whole tournament.
SONGS OF DARKNESS.
[Mrs Dr. D. Campbell, of Waco, advertised for a servant When a
portly coloured aunty ere long put in an appearance.]
FUST thing I wants to know, mum,"
Observed the tan-coloured widow,
Has you got any chilluns ?
Kase 'pon dat ere quesh'un
I'se always mighty p'tickler."
Yes, I have several children,
I hope they will give no trouble,
Because I never allow them
To go at all in the kitchen."
Dar's whar we don' ogree, mum,
Kase if da's any chilluns,
I likes dem in de kitchen,
I'se powerful' fon' of 'em, /is."
What a good, kind-hearted creature,"
Thought Mrs. Campbell, of Waco,
So on the spot she engaged her.
Going among her people
Thus spoke the coloured aunty,
I'se done got a situation
Wha' dars plenty ob young ones.
I don' water stay in no house
Whar dar's no little chillun,
Bekase whenever de dishes
Am broke it gits laid on de servant
An' tucken outen her wages.
But whar dar's tender infants
Dey gits de sponsibility.
Bress de little chillun I
I likes um 'bout me--do."
Now softly stealing from the aim of Spring,
Summer in glowing loveliness anayed,
Before whose charms her sweet pale sisters fade,
Comes on the earth life, light, and warmth to bring;
A vision of delight on golden wing.
View the transcendent landscape now displayed,
The wondrous tracery of light and shade,
The shining streams, and glorious colouring.
0 fair, sweet Summer, crowned with roses bright,
And glad with children's shout and wild birds' song,
Who givest to faint and weary hearts delight,
Oh, would we might thy brief sojourn prolong-
Win thee to linger with us yet awhile,
To gild with thy bright beams our twilight isle.
JULY I, I885. FU N II
"INCREASE" OF THE POLICE.
FUN'S readers have doubtless observed how splendidly members of "the Force" thrive on their calling, their plumpness growing with their
service. The Gentlemen in Blue depicted below will therefore easily be recognized as
A Novice. A TWO-YEARS' MAN. A FIVE-YEARS' MAN. A TEN-YEARS MAN. A RETIRED VETERAN RECALLING THE DAvS
OF HIS YOUTH.
SONGS OF THE WATERING PLACES.
OF Southend with pleasure I sing-
More, doubtless, than some will find there
Who've had the misfortune to bring
Stiff manners from Grosvenor Square :
This three-shilling joy of the East--
Of London's East-enders, I mean-
Is, though not greatest, not least
Of fair outing-places, I ween.
The tides there run out twice a day,
_.-'* The same as the tides elsewhere do,
.| But elsewhere they do not display
Of mudfields so.perfect a view.
S The pier, which pursues the white foam
A --- Some mile and a quarter from land,
Gives sight of the wickle at home
And fat mussel ready at hand.
0, all ye who're "stuck up" and proud,
To Southend for pleasure don't go;
Society's there free and loud,
And sure to impress you as low:
Most likely you'd find 'Arry there,
Chaff, gay concertina and all,
And 'tisn't "a 'aughty swell's stare"
Will ever make 'Arry "sing small."
Then, Carry, who works a machine,
And works it hard, too, all the week,
Goes down there, and let's it be seen -
Her spirit's not broken nor meek;
And 'Arry and she gallivant
In ways sure to shock your pure taste :
Two minutes together he can't
Refrain from encircling her waist.
Such conduct would cause you alarm,
And make you dread what next they'd do; --'.-
For Carry'd see in it no harm
And 'Arry would not care for you :
The moral of that you will miss, -
And find your discomfort intense, /
At seeing them take for pure bliss -
Enjoyments that mock common sense.
WE read that the Japanese have invented a process whereby paper
may be made from sea-weed. The probability is that it is all right, but
the paper would of necessity only do for deeo literature.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-I am entirely at a loss to understand what you mean by your
remarks about my Ascot tips. I never was so insulted in my life (and
I've had a good deal to stand, one way and another, in my time)-that
is, I would never have been so insulted in my life if I understood you.
Why, what do you mean? Take that, Sir-I mean take my
TIP FOR THE NORTHUMBERLAND PLATE.
WHEN the state of the thermometer is terrible to see,
Through its bobbing up and down to a bewildering degree,
Now a-standing under zero (when a furnace is a treat),
Then a-smothering a fellow with intolerable heat,
Next a-piercing every cranny with a "searcher" from the East,
Then a-filling both your peepers with a ton of dust at least;
When the state of the thermometer is in that kind of state,
'Taint so easy to discover who's the winner of the Plate.
But Trophonius is knowing, and experienced to boot,
And it ain't at all unlikely as he'll find a horse to suit.
What with Greenbank and Lawminster (who must neither be despised),
What with Blue Grass (who's a "game 'un," though not very highly
And what with Lady Adelaide (a place she scarce can lack),
And what with that Hygeia horse (a horse I mean to back),
And what with Merry Duchess too (a mare improved of late),
Remunerative business surely must eventuate.
Then there's Hambledon (an animal on which I'm rather sweet),
And there's Xema, I imagine, will be difficult to beat;
While there's Diss, that's almost certain an important rdle to play,
And even Bonaparte may take to showing them the way ;"
But how about Ben Alder ?-let us pause awhile and think-
Were it wisdom or unwisdom to entrust him with our chink "
Let us take him for a placer (which the safer plan will be),
And be satisfied the winner in Eurasian to see.
I shall be perfectly satisfied; and if you want satisfaction, Sir, you
know where to get it I You offend me in this way at your peril, and
rush upon your fate as blindly as a Conservative rushes into office, and
don't know what to do with himself when he gets there.
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
TEW be wurldlie iz tew be inhuman.
Where we improov natur we fale eternally.
He who neglects a trifle should be taught filosofy, and told of the
divizibility of matter.
It is, after all, a very good job that the world is round; otherwise we
should have some enterprising kwack cutting off the corners az an
1 '.Lo L,onKbIODENTs.-2ie .aitor does not vinc lzitmsel to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
AT A CURRAGH M
AMicky.-"DID YE IVER SEE IN YER LOIFE SICH A PERFECT CROSS COUN'
Pat,.-" CROSS COUNTRY HORSE, IS IT ? DIVIL A BIT DO I KNOW IF
CROSSEST HORSE Of IVER SET EYES ON. LOOK AT HIS EARS, NOW, AND T
The Policemen's Petition. Why, if we was
[Mr. Blundell Maple has recently called attention to the hardships done to the They couldn't ti
Police Force by not being allowed to vote at the Parliamentary Elections.] To think we cai
For them 'Ouse
BEGGING pardon, dear Mr. FUN, we wish to lodge a small complaint,
Though given for to grumble, it is well beknown we aint; And therefore,
We're intelligent Perlicemen, sir, a credit to the Force, For we think as
And the doing of our dooty is our regler form, of corse. But Mr. Blunde
And being true Perlicemen, sir, whose deeds are worthy note, ur cause is no
We think we should partissipate in havin' of a vote;
But though we're not bad sorts-from information we've received,
We must not record our votes, sir-it will 'ardly be believed I [" In our opinion (1
We are senserble and steady, we can read and we can write, meant in his conduct o
And also we can sipher, more than some a precious sight, THE wo
Yet the Lor of votes deprives us, notwithstanding' on our beats Says thai
Wepurtect the public property, and also guards the streets! At first l
But at la
Now why is this injustis ?-or to put the case more brief- He selec
Is it 'cause we from our surgeon gets our meddicle relief? Who all
We really cannot fathom this ridiklous stupid plan, s' And lo,
Which must tend for to degrade us in the heyes of Sarah Hann I He'enga
B IR D S Richest Cusad I WIthout
B | | 7 Eggsl HalftheCost I
.ad Trouble lII Choice l
-B^**IR D Delicious] A Great Luxury 1 I
A ad. Packet a
aeckent foer 3 y
FlIAT. O '' Write as smoothly a lead pnel. lod nelthe srath norspurt,
A D BIRD & SONS, Devonshire Work the pos be rounded by a new es. ix Prie Medals
Blrminahm. awarded. Assorted Samle Box, 6.; post-free 7 stamps, from
C. BRANDAUER & CO.'S PAN WORKS, BIRMINGHAsM.
COUNTRY OR A TOWN HORSE, BUT HE'S THE
D LEG OF THE CRAYTHUR."
the Burglars, which we risks our lives to lag,
reat us worser; and it makes our sperrits flag,
n't go votin' (as we could with greatest ease),
of Commons parties, who're described, sir, as M.P.'s
Mr. FUN, sir, a complaint we begs to lodge,
we deserve a vote as much as Mr. Hodge;
11 Maple in a mind of 'appy frame,
w a pleading-perhaps, sir, you will do the same ?
D. T.) the Conservative Chief has shown a lack of stage manage-
*f the crisis which has broken out inside a crisis."]
ndrous D. T., in a series of snacks,
t Salisbury clever stage-management lacks,
e'd not manage the Crisis" at all-
st he most kindly attended the "call."
ted a well-to-do company, too,
(save clown Randy) will take up his cue,'
for the scene called the Cabinet" then
ged a good number of property men.
CAUTION N.- f
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves the
addition of Starch.
GUARANTEED PURE AND SOLUBLE.
JULY I, 1885-
JULY 8 1885. N T 13
ROBINKINS, SMITHSON, AND BROWNINS RESOLVE TO ATTEND THrI HENLEY REGATTA.
/1 ,~ ,-.ri
14 FTN. JULY 8, 188s.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
-.."A HE OPERA COMIQUE.,-
Mrs. Dawes, a lady, well,
,. i- and, I believe, favour-
,_ ably, known in Man-
"' chester sought the other
S morning by the well-
known means of a matinee
to ascertain the Cockney
-- opinion of her merits.
'- Now the Cockney wel-
S comes and aDawes talent,
,-' t ^ / I. Dawespisesmediocrityand
";' l". ~~r' r Dawes incompetence
'"j into oblivion otherwise
the provinces-and it is a
1 serious court to appeal
"- ~ -G ,, to. Unfortunately Mrs.
Dawes did not give us a
S-' fair opportunity for judg-
THE OPERA COMIQUB.-TURNED OLT OF DAWIS ing; she chose to handi-
cap herself by appearing
in a curiously simple-minded compilation bearing the title Whiter than
Snow (which might far more aptly have been entitled Balder than Eggs,
and which had a reception considerably more nipping than "frost")
wherein most familiar incidents of domestic melodrama were presented
with masterly crudity and absence of motive. My gentle nature would
have led me on this occasion to avoid giving my opinion, but it is really
such a very bad one that I can't keep it about me with comfort. This
was a false move on the part of Mrs. Dawes; I am far enough from
advocating "the use of Shakespeare or works of the kind for aspirants
and novices (these occasions, by-the-way, are generally more likely to
produce "aspire-rants than "no-vices" !) but surely Mr. French has
effective plays enough upon his shelves for Dawes to peck at ?
As far as one could tell, however, Mrs. Dawes appeared to be a lady
of considerable intelligence, she played with ease and without exaggera-
tion, and although she gave no special indications of depth or finish in
emotional passages indeed she rather suggested the contrary -she
reached a very fair standard, and was certainly more than bearable.
Except that Mr. Clinton Stuart deserves mention for his one scene, his
painstaking rendering of which almost covered the absurdity of the
position, it could serve no purpose to refer to the rest of the cast. The
audience thoroughly enjoyed itself I
THE PRINCEss's.-The run of the revived Lights o' London has
finished here, and the house has since been closed. Mr. Leonard
Boyne has been playing the principal part in the absence of Mr. Wilson
Barrett, who has been taking "a well-earned rest," which is the only
kind of rest actors ever take, you know. Mr. Boyne, who makes an
excellent villain, seems rather at a loss in the opposite task of depicting
heroic virtues, and scarcely shines as Harold; but Mr. George Walton,
another "provincial," is a by no means unworthy successor to "Charlie
Coote" as the Philosopher. The inevitable call for Mr. Barrett pro-
duced Mr. Cobbe, who is evidently not comfortable with the glare of
the footlights" in his eyes, and who explained that the manager was
not in the house-not even in the gallery with sixpence and a swear.
THE OLYMPIC.-The Thirst for Gold, now being played here (if still
it is so being when these
lines appear), does not in
the least induce a thirst T-E EA
for the revival of the e
Adelphi melodrama of the
past, however much it
may provoke a thirst for
the author's blood. It is
not so well "done," 1
either, in any department, .
that we can overlook de- | '
fects, even if there were
any right to call upon us
to do so. Miss Ada
Ward is an actress of good
ability, and some stage
experience, but I am cer-
tain has committed no
crime of sufficient enor- "-
mity to merit the punish- T.R. MOST PLACES.--TH "sOFF SEASON.
ment of acting in such a
piece-most of the other actors have, even it they have never appeared
in any other parts than those they are now playing.
\ THE VAUDEVILLE.-Miss Angela Fenton, the latest Portia, signalised
her matinee before and during its occurrence by a series of revelations.
First she revealed that she was not Miss Fenton at all, but Mrs. Colonel
Greenall, M.P.; secondly, that her husband had lost his fortune ; thirdly,
that she was a mamma; fourthly, that to support her husband and chil-
dren, she wished to go upon the stage; fifthly, that, with the remnants
of a shattered fortune, she had taken twelve months' instruction from
Mr. Fernandez ; and, sixthly, that she would give a matinc'e, which the
Duke and Duchess of Edinburgh would patronise.
THIS latter duly came to pass, when more revelations ensued.
Though announced as making her first appearance on any stage "pro-
fessional or amateur," the lady revealed an ease of bearing, a coolness
and a general- acquaintance with stage business usually only associated
with considerable experience behind the footlights. Nor was this all
she revealed. Anxious to prove, apparently, that there was nothing
Angelar (or angular, if you prefer it) about her but her name, this Portia,
in the trial-scene, indulged in an unusual ex-Portia of lower limbs, in
sable hose bedight. Had Miss Fenton chosen to appear as Rosalind,
or Imogen, or Viola, her evident (and perfectly just) pride in her "un-
derstanding" might have been satisfied without attracting much atten-
tion-if that would have suited her. As it was, those shapely nether
limbs assumed disproPortia-nate importance.
NODS AND WINKS.-Presently The Lady of the Locket, who is just
now Miss Violet Cameron, will depart, and the Empire close. In the
autumn the latter will re-open, it is said, with a burlesque on Olivia, by
Messrs. Yardley and Stephens. I should think-but perhaps it is only
fair to wait until we see it.-They say Mr. Willie Edouin is negotiating
for the Novelty-the very thing I've been expecting to happen ever
since I saw the "go The Babes was making, and any piece of the kind
is bound to take as long as it has his wife in it, and is played in a small
house. Stick to it Willie go in Edouin !-Dr. D., in spite of its
"enormous success," and the unanimous approval of the press (from
which latter expression I gather that the management can only have
read those notices which I never saw) has discontinued practice and the
"surgical operations" rendered necessary by the calibre of his jokes.-
The Vaudeville'rs are playing for half-salaries Well, half a loaf, with
occupation, is better than a whole loaf about doing nothing.-Miss
Violet Melnotte will produce a comic musical piece in the autumn at
the Comedy, where, strangely enough, comedy doesn't seem to thrive.-
Minnie Palmer will be back soon, and Dark Days will come upon the
Haymarket in September. NESTOR.
A Race-y Reason.
Lo, the fiery, well-trained steed,
Dashing on at lightning speed;
When I back that horse to win,
May he e'er as first come in.
But if he's not in 1, 2, 3,
What care I how fleet he be ?
And when I in a certain race
Have backed that fleeter for a place,
I watch him then (with Hope supplied),
With something of a backer's pride.
But if he's not in I, 2, 3,
What care I where else he be ?
AN invention for the manufacture of slippers out of paper has been
patented. Light shoes made out of this material are warranted to be
pliable enough to spank children with ; while their extreme toughness
should recommend them to gentlemen who are performed at times to
kick out importunate creditors,
JULY 8, 1885. F UI 15
UP RIVER SKETCHES.
--- .... .-, l
Going in for Browning"--a Sketch near Sonning." Pleasure at the Helm, and Toil at the Tow.
Bolter's Lock. The pleasure of camping out Farmerr(log.).-" Who gave you
permission to camp here ? Just you pack up and be off."
HENLEY GLORIOSO the bridge with the people crowded on it. At one time there used to
MY DEAR GRANDSON,-You give me much pleasure in informing be a diver fellow there who would jump off into the river; he once, I
me that you have won the Radley Sculls. From your own account, the believe, did serious mischief to a mayor of Reading by falling on to his
great aquatic fixture seems to have been peculiarly successful. You white waistcoat, after he had partaken of a heavy lunch. I remember
tell me that not more than seven undergraduates have had to be cared too rowing down past Greenlands, now owned by Mr. W. H. Smith of
for by the county police; further, too, that only three forgot themselves the War Office then, I believe, by a Majoribanks, and Fawley Court by a
so far as to knock down an itinerant musician, to throw strawberries at Mackenzie. Ah I what a time it was then, the Eton boys and the
a lady's light summer dress, and to put pepper under a blind beggar's Radley boys had a fight with cabbage-stalks, about an Eton boy putting
nose. This is indeed a convincing proof of a vast improvement in the gunpowder in a cat's ear and wanting to fire it off. Boys, my dear
manners of these cultured youths, who always have been, and always George, were gentlemen then. Gentlemen always. The costumes we
will be, the flower of British manhood. In my time, my dear George, wore then were sensible too. A nice tall, what you may term chimney-
Henley week was indeed different to what it is now. Young men were pot, to keep the sun off, and a striped shirt. It is the custom now, I see,
quieter in those days-much quieter. You tell me of a joke done at for men to wear starched linen shirts, with solitaires, and patent leather
Emanuel of driving all the sheep from the paddock into the pond, and shoes and daintiest serge trousers. A singular and unelegant mixture,
of a freshman defending it, or something else, by making a speech of suggestive of the costume of a carpenter clad in his Sunday garments,
two hours to the Senate I We never did such things in my time. At who has taken off his coat to engage in a pugilistic encounter. Men.
Henley, too, we went sedately enough to the Red Lion. How I should too, wear hats termed "blazers." You tell me yours was embroidered
like to see that hostelry again. Its long hall, its stable yard, its house with a pomegranate and a green lizard. Very tasty, my dear grandson,
garden. Do not I remember my dear friend, Jack Frisby, fought seven to those who appreciate the fashion. I do not think I shall ever see
fine rounds with a pupil of the Game Chicken before the. hotel windows, Henley again, nor yet, as you describe it, have a go "at bolstering
and his victory only cost him a small quantity of beef steak applied to scrimmage at the Red Lion." Adieu, my dear George.
the left eye and a summons before the justice of the peace ? Jack was Your affectionate grandfather,
afterwards "sent down" for throwing his boots at a bed maker, with a BUCKINGTON BRUMMEL.
shovel of hot coals, as the waiters used to say in my day, "to follow."
But gentlemen were gentlemen in those days, dear George. ",X"-trorinary I
I should like to be strong enough to see Henley. My first time I ra-or ary I
remember well enough, we had our boat before Fawley Court. There [A daily paper asserts that Lord R. Churchill is "an unknown quantity in politics."]
were no beastly steam-launches then to upset people into the water, and AT first this threatened to perplex
to set women screaming. We anchored off Fawley Court, and sweet FuN's cranium, though 'tis strong, you know
was the scent of the hay from Remenham meadows (the church of But soon he thought, "Why need this vex?
Remenham used to have very high pews of the old style. I remember The 'unknown quantity' is 'x,
as of yesterday having my ears boxed by a dear relative for being caught An x '-cellent x '-ample-so,
reading "Peregrine Pickle" in one during the sermon). I remember He begs to say, x '-actly so !"
OUR OMNIFICENT POLICE AGAIN.
"If it's a pressing case, says the hard-worked policeman, I'll attend to it. But I must look sharp, as I have an ambulance drill to attend, and some people to rescue
from a fire, and a ship in distress to help, and three limbs to amputate, and a chimney to sweep, and a lot of saucepans to mend."
Necessarily all the trades suffer the utmost depression the medical man being the worst sufferer. At length, driven desperate by srvation this latter grimly mixes
a cup of poison and invites the constable to drink. And does the wearied-officer refuse? Alas, no I He is but tuo glad to escape from his over-numerous duties.
IETJNFI.-JULY 8, r885.
TRYING ON HIS POLICY.
LITTLE CUTTING AND TRIMMING, AND LETTING
IT WILL FIT YOU LIKE A GLOVE, MY LORD."
OUT AND TAKING IN,
Fittet.-" WITH JUST A
THE EVOLUTIONARY SQUADRON.
MODIFICATIONS IN THE PLANS.
LL is now in readiness for the
declaration of war between
Admiral Hoskins and the fleet
at Berehaven, with the excep-
tion of the top button of the
jacket of the powder-monkey on
board the Bulliphant, which
has not yet arrived, although
urgent instructions have been
telegraphed to the naval clothing
department, and all the hands
are working day and night.
The coming evolutions are the
one topic of all Europe.
Next Month.-The button
-hfor the powder-monkey's coat
has not yet arrived, and it is con-
jectured that the special tender
in which it was forwarded has
capsized. The European public
are getting impatient, as they
have now been standing on
the cliffs for three weeks, with-
out food or exercise, in order to
get a good view of the combat.
It is feared that European in-
terest in the affair is beginning
V Next Month after that.-
Everything is still waiting for
the powder-monkey's top button, but there appears to be some inclina-
tion on the part of the authorities to commence proceedings without it.
During the delay, a happy thought has occurred to the admiral at
Berehaven. He decided-in order that nothing might go wrong at the
actual evolutions-to try whether the engines and guns of his flagship,
the Smasher, would work. After several days expended in loading and
getting up steam, it was found that they would not. Latest advices
state that the powder-monkey's top button has at length arrived; but
the evolutions are still delayed, owing to the breakdown on board the
admiral's flagship. It is also incidentally recorded that the gunboats
Pi, and Stickleback have somehow sunk when nobody was looking.
The European public have mostly left the cliffs and gone home disgusted.
Later.-It had been decided to begin the evolutions without the
admiral's flagship, it being found impossible to repair her in less than
twenty years, owing to all the docks being filled with red tape; but at
the last moment it was found that none of the engines or guns on the
other first-class men-of-war were in working condition either. The
cruisers Kipper and Cod Liver Oil have mysteriously disappeared under
water. Everybody has left the cliffs except an Irish-American, who
has a bet on that the whole fleet will efface itself. He is reported to be
Later.-The evolutions were just on the point of commencing without
the first-class ships, when it was found that the screws of the second-
class ships did not fit, having been constructed for other ships of entirely
different build. It has, therefore, been decided to begin the evolutions
without the second-class ships. It is incidentally mentioned, also, that
the admiral's flagship, the Bulliphant, and the cruisers Pee~ing Tom
and Pecksnif have sunk. The Buckj'umper, Davy Jones, and Swash-
buckler are sinking. The Irish-American is in the highest spirits.
Later.-The evolutions were really about to commence to-day, when
it unfortunately came to light that there was not a grain of powder
among the fleet. After some experiments with black tea as a substitute,
it has been decided that it will not answer. The Irish-American has
very kindly offered the loan of some cakes of dynamite, which he always
carries about with him, but his offer has been declined. A tug sent
out of Berehaven to-day to reconnoitre, has discovered that Admiral
Hoskins's attacking squadron has gone to the bottom. The Titmouse,
Grumbler, Mince-pie, Gridiron, and Perambulator have sunk. So have
all the other vessels. The Irish-American is having a tall drink, and
shaking hands with himself.
MR. COLERIDGE KENNARD has promised to support the movement
to procure the vote for policemen. The Force are so overcome at the
news that they Kenn-'ardly believe it.
JN JULY 8, I885.
A POOR Irish boy, of fifty-four years of age, warbled softly to a
charming young lady whom he had asked to be his wife, "Cecilia,
begorra I I don't like to
marry till me mother's
dead." Because he has
carried out this not un-
reasonable fad, unhappy
William pays the impatient
damsel moo damages.
And the courtship had
only lasted twenty two
years Our artist has i
executed a fancy sketch of
William. We don't sup-
pose it is a bit like him ;
there's sterling truth in
the story, though.,
"THE City is the host
of the nation," says some-
body or other. This host,
however, behaved in a
shabby, insulting way
recently towards the ladies and gentlemen who were generous enough
to show themselves in tableaux vivants at the Mansion House. A
mistaken notion of charity, perhaps, induced these artistic folk to
exhibit themselves before a City audience. But the treatment they
received will be a lesson to them in future not to cast pearls before
civic authorities, and the relatives and friends of civic authorities. The
delicate message sent down to the women performers was unique as
an example of pompous vulgarity. While some City traders are apt to
look upon artists and actors as rogues and vagabonds, they will toady
to, and bow down before, the Chief of the Ojebways, because he is the
Hereditary Chief of the Ojebways.
LADY RANDOLPH CHURCHILL excels as an accomplished musician.
So does her husband; nobody knows better how to blow his own
THE fellows lately sentenced by Mr. Justice Day to be flogged for
robbery with violence all groaned and howled most horribly while the
punishment was being inflicted. Yet one culprit mustered up courage
to look round at a warder as his own whipping was drawing to a close,
and say with a sickly smile, "Oh, what a day I am having." Another
playful youth stopped his screams for an instant, and begged if he might
have a word with the doctor. On his request being granted, the rascal
whispered in the medico's ear, "Do you think them blooming' Con-
servytifs 'ull put a pro'ibitory tax on cats, sir ?"
THERE is something supernatural in the wild spirit of jurors, capable
of giving most unexpected shocks. Only a few weeks ago a jury
brought in a verdict of "Not Guilty" against a prisoner who had
pleaded guilty before the magistrate by whom he was sent for trial,
while the other day a jury recorded the following unique verdict: We
find that the deceased committed suicide by taking poison accidentally."
Now and again cheek rises to the sublime. The oily Muscovites
are begging subscriptions of the British nation to relieve the Russians
who were burnt out at the great fire at Grodno. Let the Great White
Czar (one of the richest men in the world) dip his hand in his capacious
pocket, and help his fellow-countrymen just for once. Bless us!
whether we win or lose in the "inevitable war," the Muscovites will
ask and expect us to pay for the damage done to their seaports and
Now that impudence means success in pretty nearly everything, it
might not be a bad plan for the Conservative Government to employ
trustworthy agents in Russia to collect subscriptions for the building of
half-a-dozen British men-of-war.
MOUNT Pleasant, Gray's Inn Road, is one of the nastiest and most
reeking places in London. Its inhabitants, mostly Italian, are very
much given to stabbing each other. Luckily so, perhaps. The sooner
this metropolitan excrescence is removed by the Board of Works' knife
THE cookery and the fire departments are likely to be a great take at
the "Yankeries" next year. Some of the new comers may be able to
give Mr. William Whiteley a hint a two as to the way incendiary fires
break out, and the easiest means of discovering the perpetrator of them.
JULY 8, i88s5. F U NIS 19
TURF CUTTINGS. -- -
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN." '
SIR,-My bosom's lord sits lightly on its throne-though, -:.- -.-, .-
in spite of Mr. W. Shakespeare, I don't believe a lord has a ..
throne-I am chuckling with malignant glee all over the
shop, and altogether enjoying myself immensely. You see ..
the annexed tip contains a real good thing, but the joke of it ..
is that you don't publish tilli ust about two minutes before -
-or, it may be, after-the race is all over, so that speculators '
can't take advantage of my information; and when the race
is over, and my tip meets their disgusted gaze, and they see
what they might have done-! Well, of all the amusing
sights See the joke? Here's the tip; it's for .
THE CUMBERLAND PLATE. -, i'
OH, come with a frown,' \
Or come with a smile, -
But come to the town
Of bonny Carlisle;
There's not much to see,
There's not much to do,
But enough perhaps for me, -
And sufficient for you.
For me and for you; for I scarcely need say
We're both of us bent on a similar "lay."
Let's fly, in a band, -
The city morose,
The castle near hand,
And Cathederal Close;
Our paradise see,
The race horse's ground; .
So off I let us be
Where Eden is found.
For that stream and the horses-oh, feeling to soothe!.
Have two of the courses that always run smooth. -
Then choose ye the horse,
Or choose ye the mare,
Lady A. with remorse,
Or Ben Alder with care;
But whatever you think, c
And however you smile, f e -- -- -
I go for Stone Clink,
And I couple Glengyle. THE OLDEST INHABITANT.
But I'm bound to confess, if you press me, it's true THE OLDEST INHABITANT
That Stone Clink is the one I prefer of the two. Tourist.-" I SUPPOSE YOU'RE ONE OF THE OLDEST PERSONS ABOUT
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS. HERE ?"
Peasant.-" WELL, SIR, I AM, BARRING' WAN TIM MULROONEY; AND
P.S.-Who sent you Blue Grass for the Northumberland HE'S A YEAR OLDER NOR ME. BUT, SURE, IF I LIVE JUST ANOTHER
Plate ? TWELVE MONTHS, D'Y'SEE, WE'LL BE THE SAME AGE THIN !
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST. about shows, would be enough to stock a fair. Great attraction I
"I'M glad they're going to give the Conservatives a turn!" said great attraction I Mrs. Blnderberry's dissolving views of the Conserva-
Ors. Blunderberry, as she handed her husband the newspaper, and ties in office I Why, ma'am, you only want the Lyceum Theatre and a
thoughtfully stirred a spoonful of bloater paste into his cocoa. well-photographed beauty to be the champion American show woman I"
Ugh Think Her Majesty's present Government is a teetotum, Oh, Sol-ol-ol-omon, you know I never pretended to be better
don't you? Who's been telling you the Tory administration is a new than anybody else. I never imagined I was as clever as you are."
waltz? Got an idea the country has taken Lord Salisbury between its I never thought you'd set the Thames on fire."
finger and thumb, and sent him spinning?" "But I don't want to, Solomon, and, besides, if I did, the water
There's no knowing what the Radicals might do I sighed the good would put it out,-and then where would the-the-oh, you know,
lady, reflectively. "They'd turn the whole House of Lords upside Solomon-it's not Paramatta-is it ?"
down, if they had the chance." "Ugh Think I'm a gazetteer, don't you? Got an idea that I'm a
Yah I Think, when Chamberlain is President of the Republic, the second Atlas, haven't you? Fancy, I only want a publisher to be a
Peers will all have to walk on their coronets, don't you? Fancy then new geographical dictionary? Paramatta Wodyermean ?"
the Lord Chancellor will take his seat on the woolsack with a double "No dear, I said it wasn't Paramatta-or Parahatta-but it is where
somersault from the reporters' gallery, perhaps? Got an idea the Bishops the hats come from-isn't it ?-hatter-gatter-but it is a hatter-no;
will come in topsy-turvey, with their robes tied round their ankles, I mean attar-attar-re-g-atta-the Henley Regatta. I've got it
haven't you? I tell you what it is, Mrs. B., if you'd only start a circus, now, Solomon-Regatta /-Henley Regatta-I've got it."
there isn't a trick you couldn't teach the nobility and gentry of Eng- "Oh, you've got it, have you ?-keep it then-keep it Mrs. B.
land. You just educate the Conservatives in the mysteries of ground Take that Regatta. Take it to your bosom, cherish it as a first-born,
and lofty tumbling, and engage Lord Randolph as clown, and you'll wear it next your heart, deck it in lace and ribbons, show it to all your
have a show that the whole civilised world could not parallel." friends, and have it rechristened Paramatta Ah, ma'am, it is few
"How you do wander away from the subject, Solomon. All I said women of your age who have a Regatta of their own to pet and to display
was that I was glad the Conservatives had got a chance." to their friends as the offspring of their own all too vivid imagination.
"Oh, yes; they've got a chance, they have. Three little thimbles "Well, Solomon, if it s mine, as you say it is, you'll take me to it-
and one little pea, with two, three, one, and a one, two, three, and I'll won't you, dear?"
bet any gen'T'man a fi'-pun'-no' he don't tell me under which thimble "No, ma'am-no I If that Regatta which is your own private pro-
he will find the Conservative policy." perty won't come to you when you call it, it is unworthy of your further
".But dear little Lord Randolph will show them; won't he, Solomon?" attention. Bid it begone, Mrs. B. A regatta round the rose-bush in
"Oh, yes; he'll show them fast enough I He's the showman, he is. our front garden will always be welcome, but if it chooses to go to
'Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see Sir Stafford North- Henley, let it go there-and stop there," and Mr. B. chuckling to him-
cote made a Peeress in her own right I' Oh, yes; what you don't know self made quick time down the garden-path to catch his omnibus.
20 FUN. JULY 8, 1885.
A HENLEY RIPPLE.
EAR NETTY,-as queer
Remarks in the play,
II'd never seen races at
-;: So this year we settled
And Tom (who is not a bad
On finding the notion
Proposed that well he
Should row me up there
in a boat.
I yielded-of course, to
Not bursting to go-
not a bitl!
And I sported, to grace the occasion
A dress which, Tom told me, was fit.
(" Another expressed no opinion,
Except by an optical feast,
But I don't think I've lost my dominion
In that one direction, at least.)
"Another pulled stroke, I may mention,
Though once, as Tom towed us, my dear,
I fulfilled a long-cherished intention
By thoroughly learning to steer.
But whether my clumsy instructor,
Or my want of skill we should thank,
I felt like a mere 'bus conductor,
So often we went to the bank.
The weather was simply perfection,
The darling old river was grand,
And there wasn't, I think, on reflection,
A happier girl in the land.
I'm sure that I merit a pardon
For thinking it nightfall too soon,
Though the inn, where we stayed, had a garden,
And there was the tail end of a moon I
We'd a livelier time on the morrow-
The number of craft" had increased-
And we saw, twixt amusement and sorrow,
A dozen of "duckings," at last.
To get a good station we'd striven,
And nothing we found to repent;
And pa and mamma, who had driven,
Soon joined us at lunch in the tent.
The useless attempt at describing
The scene I give up in despair;
The eating, the smoking, imbibing,
The chattering everywhere I
The rainbows of ribbons, the flannels,
The tents, and the barges and flags;
The launches, with fresh varnished panels,
The dog-carts, the dingies, and drags.
The "mixture" on every quarter,
The "boat-talk on every side;
The glint of the sun on the water,
The dip of the oar in the tide,
The wondering smiles of dear mother,
As crews in their rivalry bent ;
And Fred (that's the name of ".another "),
Explaining what everything meant.
But, there, I was nearly forgetting
The affable Isthmian Club;
Such kindness, my dear, almost petting!-
Fred looked so, I gave him a snub I
Very nice if you're bound to give all your
Attention to one I And that trag-
Edy isn't the one to befall your
Affectionate relative, MADGE.
NOT ALWAYS TRUE GOLD.-An election-eering.
THE CHAIRMAN'S HAT.
[" The chairman or a committee officially charged with the duty of valuing our
houses has kindly explained the intelligent principle which guides himself and his
fellows in their important task. To obtain the gross value, they take the rent, the
length of lease, the tenant's expenditure, and the premium paid on the lease. A
sum is then added for estimated repairs during the current five years,' and the
total is the gross value."-Newsfafer.]
THE Chairman of the Assessment Committee had been a happy and
a well-to-do man before the visit of that demon. It happened this way.
The chairman had just finished the valuation of a neighbour's house
which-originally costing 1,500 to build-had tumbled down. three
times, had the roof blown off once, been underpinned all round, and
then been shored up as dangerous. Adding up the original cost, 1,ooo
for each re-building, 120 for re-roofing, 150 for underpinning, and
85 for the shoring up, the worthy chairman had arrived at the present
gross valuation-4,855 ; and had put down his pen with a sigh of
satisfaction. At that moment a most repulsive little demon ,tapped,
.entered, and took a seat in front of the chairman.
"Good day," said the visitor; "I see I must take you under my
You're very good. Who might you be ?" said the chairman.
"My name is Consistency. I hereby adopt you. Henceforward you
will be guided by me." And the visitor departed.
The chairman took a long time in recovering from the surprise that
such a visitor should have called on him; but he got over it at length,
and then his thoughts began involuntarily to drift in the direction of his
hat, which lay on the table before him. "I ought to pay income-tax
on that hat of mine," he kept thinking over and over again. It was a
mad notion, but it got entire possession of him. I feel I must pay
income-tax on that hat of mine," he said to himself. It won't come
to much after all-value of hat, 25s.; tax, at 8d. in the lod."
Then he put on the hat and went out; and no sooner had he done so
than that hat blew off and got its brim under a cab-wheel. So the
chairman had to go and get a new brim put to that hat, at a cost of
7s. 6d. "Hum! said the chairman; "original value of hat, 25s.;
repairs, 7s. 6d. ; that will be 32s. 6d. I have to pay in, me-tax upon."
And while he was absorbed in this assessment, he ran his hat against
a nail in a house, and tore the wall of that hat; so he had to get a new
wall put to the hat, at a cost of 9s. 6d. "Dear me I" sa'd he; more
income-tax to pay on the gross value of that hat of mine. Le: me see
-original value, 255. ; repairs, 17s. ; gross value, 42s." Just then,
being engaged in examining the hat as he went along, he ran against a
collector who was carrying home an unique Dresden vase he had ins,
bought at a sale.
"Let me inform you, sir, that that vase you have just smashed cost
me 120 not ten minutes ago at the Thingumbob sale. Confound you i
Good day," said the collector.
"That hat's really getting very expensive I" said the chairman.
"Original value, 25s. ; repairs, 175.; vase smashed owing to hat, 120;
present gross value, 122 2s.; income tax on it, 4 Is. 5d. Hum 1"
Then if that confounded hat didn't blow off again and go bang against
the head of a gentleman in the street, and the gentleman turned round
in a rage, under the impression that another gentleman just behind him
had done it, and blackened that other gentleman's eye; and the second
gentleman sued for damages; and there was an appeal; and the matter
got to the House of Lords ; and the whole expenses came to 7,251.
And the excitement of the litigation so upset the second gentleman's
mind, that he brooded over it for years, and at length turned dyna-
miter, and blew up Trafalgar Square, doing damage to the extent of
The Chairman of the Assessment Committee sank down slowly in his
arm-chair, and took his pen. Original cost of hat, 25s. ; repairs, 7s. ;
Dresden vase, 120; litigation, s,7,251; damage to Trafalgar Square,
29,ooo000,031; present gross value, 29,007,404 2s.; income-tax,
The chairman has long been an inmate of the Union Work-
JULY 8, 188. '8N 2I
Trying on His Policy.
WHO has not felt vexation,
And downright irritation,
In having a new garment fitted on ?
A pucker here, a pucker there,
This.part too wide, that part too
Some blemish which the wearer
would be twitted on.
The tailor says, with blandest
He'll see it comes all right,
Although you're confident the
He'll make it much too tight,
Or loose, or somehow wrong,
And objurgations strong
Spring to your lips, ready to fall,
Of conscience-born remembrances
That he, with all his faults, may mean
And so, in truth, my Lord of
In trying on his brand-new policy,
Is like to find
Some parts too big, some parts too
And some that don't appear to
suit at all,
And some that aren't exactly to
He'll scab it not unmoved;
Whether 'twill end better than 'tis
When chalk, and shears, and thread
their work have done,
Remaineth to be proved,
FRENCHMEN are apt to flatter,
and flatter themselves too muchly
about trifles. M. Henri Rochefort
for instance, opined "the news of
the death of Olivier Pain would
delight the English." Poor vain
Henri Some thousand or two out
of the millions of British subjects
may have heard of Olivier Pain,
and a few hundreds may know some-
thing about his life ; but not a dozen
Britishers care a dump whether he
is alive or dead.
MEM.-Conservatism is at pre-
sent governed by the rule of three-
i.e., Lord S- y, Sir S-- d
N-te, and Lord R-h C--ll.
ARTS AND BARTS.
MESSRS. Watts and Millais, of the mighty R.A,,
Who both have well served the Fine Arts,
Were offered of late certain honours of weight,
For the Queen asked them both to be Barts.
But the offer so kind Watts politely declined
In a Watt's-in-a-name ? sort of way;
He perhaps thought that "Bart."wasn't worthy of Art,
And that's what you'll say of My-lay I
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
TORIES win by a trick, honours divided. Salisbury at last at top of
tree, and opponents up one. Lord Cranbourne exclaims, "C'est le
premier-.a." Giffard last week pleading before the Lords, now presides
over them. Cranbrook, Lord President of Council, triumph of Hardy-
ness. Earl of Harrowby, Lord Privy Seal. Qualified by his finesse.
Sir Richard Cross, Home Secretary-one cross amongst many noughts.
Loid Derby's younger brother Colonial Secretary-" On, Stanley, on I "
Hicks-Beach, Chancellor of Exchequer-Bravo, Hicks I Sir Stafford
becomes Earl of Iddesleigh-in fact dis-ap-peers. Lord George
Hamilton, First Lord of Admiralty. Hope he won't be qualified, like
predecessors in office, only by being at sea. Duke of Richmond,
President of Board of Trade. Board now ought to consist of Goodwood.
Lord John Manners returns to office in his old post, the Post Office.
Mr. W. H. Smith holds the leash of the dogs of War. Lord Carnarvon
goes to Ireland to encourage true patriots, by preserving Pat from riots.
Mr. Gibson becomes Lord Chancellor of Ireland and a peer. Finis
corona ofus. Last, but by no means least, the redoubtable Randy, the
woodcock of Woodstock, becomes Secretary of State for India, having
been ten minutes in that portion of the British empire-on the principle,
probably, of Sheridan's voyagers, who stayed for refreshments at foreign
ports, and wrote the history of the nations.
And these form the Conservative Cabinet, or rather political omnibus
BARON DE WORMS has coined a new phrase, i.e., "blatant blush,"
We have often seen and heard of a bilious blush, the blush that turns
yellow brazen faces into the colour of inferior copper. But it has
never been our luck to stumble about near a "blatant blush." When a
noisy bellowing blush is likely to perform' anywhere within the Baron's
ken, we trust he will invite us to come and hear it grow blatant.
THAT voracious shark, Mr. Fish, late President of the Marine Bank,
has at last been hooked, and sentenced to ten years' imprisonment.
As this grasping Fish is seventy-two years of age, the chances are that
he will not prey upon mankind much more,
( To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
JULY 8, 1885
A PARTING SHOT.
Magistrate.-" PRISONER, YOU HAVE HEARD THE CONSTABLE'S EVIDENCE. HAVE YOU ANY QUESTIONS TO ASK HIM?"
Prisoner.-" WOT, THAT COPPER? YAS, SHOULD THINK I 'AD!"
Magistrate.-" WELL, YOU HAVE NOW AN OPPORTUNITY OF DOING SO,"
Prisoner.-" RIGHT YOU ARE, MY JOSSER I WHO STOLE THE RABBIT PIE? 'Ow D'YER LIKE MUTTON? WHO SNEAKED THE
DRUNKBN MAN'S WATCH? 'Ow's COOKIE?' [Twenty-one days hard.
A Mysterious Mixture.
[Several candidates now before constituencies call themselves "Progressive Con-
You might as well speak of a nice black white-
Of a green that's of crimson hue ;
'Twere as fitting to speak of a man's weak might,
Or of nicely-roast Irish stew.
You might as well talk of a feathered bear,
Or e'en of a non-holed sieve,
As speak of that curious hybrid affair-
A Progressive Conservative / "
For while he's a Tory he can't progress;
And when he progresses at all,
His Conservatism grows quickly less,
And its chance of surviving is small.
He'd be like a sailor who ne'er has been shipped,
Or a dead horse that's eager to live ;
That startling political nondescript-
A Progressive Conservative "
This Something-nothing, this Half-and-halt,
Is a compound at which you cannot but laugh,
But to vote for it you'd be loath !
'Twere less comic to speak of a queenly-king,
Or a miser who yearns gold to give,
Than to mention that mixed and mysterious thing-
"A Progressive Conservative!"
THARE seems tew be sum mistaik this time sumwhere : the oppertu-
nity hez arrived rite enuf, but it seems tew hev left the man behind I-
0. E. P.
ONE PENNY. EVERY WEDNESDAY.
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London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W. and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 8:h, s885,
FUN. __ 23
~-NOTI C fS
V,6Urv L I
~lx~S ~~e~- -
'a; y Kt16~f
WINKS AT WIMBLEDON.
VOL. XLII.-NO, 105$,
JULY 15 I885.
24 U N JULY 15, 1885sss.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
~ HE Great Pink Pearl, the casket
)7y1 of which was first opened at
an Olympic matinde a few
nightly at the Prince's, where
the Bruce has again put him-
Sself in evidence, and in spite of
Sthe ferocious beard in which he
has disguised himself, betrays
S. 'his identity by his glittering
eye and his finely-chiselled
Roman nose. But to the
b its production at the Prince's
the other night, its first act,
dm which is weak in itself, was
not played with that abandon
that was displayed at the trial-
matinle. Hence it fell rather
flat, and during the first inter-
val, many who had not seen
THE PRINCE'S.-THE EARLY (BUT NOT the "Pearl" when it was first
PINK) "PURL !" discovered, came out, and said,
"And this is the Great Pink
Pearl that was so highly praised I" But yours truly, who knew all
about it, as he does about everything, replied to some of these sceptics
in advance, "It may not be a perfect play (for very few modern plays
are perfect), but be patient I" and then he trilled in his marvellous
"You'll find that in Acts Two and Three,
Situations strong there be-
In short, I may remark to ye,
That ye shall see what ye shall see !"
AND, indeed, the "Pearl's" virtues soon became more apparent in
Acts II. and III.-the comedy woke up, so to speak, and, notwith-
standing the "high old time" the thermometer was having, applause
was frequent and liberal. I had hoped that, in the interim since the
"Pearl" was first brought to light, the authors, Messrs. Carton and
Raleigh, would have polished their gem up a bit, and have removed
certain excrescences in the way of anti-climaxes. But they have not
done so, which is a pity, considering that it is so clever a piece. Besides,
a play that commences at nine o'clock, and doesn't finish till half-past
eleven will well bear cutting.
THE only important change in the cast is the substitution of Mr.
Garden for Mr. Giddens in the part of Anthony Sheen. I need hardly
tell you that this Garden is well cultivated, and hath a flowery style.
For all that he does not quite catch the spirit of the character,
although here and there he makes some effective points. Miss Compton
is again the Princess-and a fine princess, too-and the other principal
parts are again played with finish and humour by Messrs. Marius,
Groves, S. Harcourt, Caffrey, and Denison. Altogether the menu is
strong, but we could well have done with another Cart(e)-on.
Excelsior at Her Majesty's-but stay. Perhaps the Muse will
The shades of night did
not fall fast / WELL.,WELL, THERE C-
For summertime had not a THT BLESSED ONNET
yet passed; T a S H OD T -,
When lo I your NESTOR -
(who's so nice),
Saw something with the "
strange device- '
Unto his coachman NEs.
"Her Majesty's "-and
on we sped;
And soon your critic duly
Beheld the brilliant ballet
And there he saw Ce. THE COMEDV.-"A WOMAN'S VICTORY
And other wonders met his glance;
And on the light fantastic toe
Were fairies, in that startling show-" 'Excelsior I"
Therefore, if anyone should say,
"Where is a show both grand and gay;
Wherein is many a wondrous star?'
The answer comes from near and far-" Excelsior! "
THE matinde folk had another happy day on Wednesday. It was at
the Comedy this time, when two capable actresses, Mesdames Edmiston
and Beddard, gave an unintentionally comic entertainment, which con-
sisted of a so-called comedy-drama, entitled, A Woman's Victory."
This was announced as written by Mr. R. Dodson, a playwright who
has done some powerful, if rough-hewn, pieces for the outlying theatres.
If Mr. D. is really responsible for this curious compound, all I can say
is, I blush for him, although I daresay he has, long ere now, blushed for
himself, and also for many of the players who made up his dramatic
persona. But, there, even those who had any acting ability had little
opportunity of showing it. A Woman's Victory was received with
shouts of laughter. Even FUN himself has not caused such hilarity.
THE chief component parts of this old-fashioned piece consisted of a
"Forget-me-not" sort of adventuress, with several aliases and a shady,
very shady past; a weak-minded but eventually violent bart. ; a swell.
lover, who waits several years for the heroine, and whose "patience is at
last rewarded"; several stage-waits of a painful nature; any amount of
cheques for vast sums; some obtrusive property-thunder turned on to
serve as an "omen of ill" to the fair but fearsome bride-elect; a crash
of glass without," when the bart. throws the bridegroom-elect out of
window; and two villainous wooers. One of these was often referred
to as "an Apollo," a person "with a Grecian profile," and on one
occasion as a "man with a god-like face." It was rather unfortunate
that the actor's visage did not fit the part.
NODS AND WINKS.-Mr. Charles Duval has returned to these shores
from those of Ireland. Anon he will give his entertainment in far
Cathay or Calcutta, or somewhere out in the East. A new and cheaper
edition of Duval's book about his adventures in South Africa, has just
been published. In this, as in Duval's show, you get Du-val-ue for
your money.-MR. LEWIS CLIFTON (a promising playwright) is drama-
tizing C. L. Pirkis's novel, Lady Lovelace." He expects to score with
it. So mote it be I He has done several clever pieces.-MR. SYDNEY
ALPORT, acting-m aager and poet, of the Vaudeville, takes his benefit
there on July I8. He is sure of a full house. I trust he will give us
Al(1)-port-raits of himself on this occasion.-Mr. Julian Cross has been
preparing some Boiling Water, which will be poured forth at the
Comedy on Tuesday morning. NESTOR.
Winie.--" TELL ME ANOVER PITTY STORY, MAMMA I"
Mamma.-" I'VE TOLD YOU ALL I REMEMBER, DARLING."
Winnie.-" HAVE '00? VEN TELL ME ONE DAT 'OO'VE FOR-
JULY 15, 1885. FU N 25
e"A curious and exceptional offer of assistance has been made to the
Viceroy, by the Dowager Maharani of Baroda, in the event of a war with
Russia. bhe is prepared to raise and maintain at her own expense a
corps of Amazons, who would all be Mahratti ladies."-Allahabad tele-
BY MIss BELLA BELLONA.
AN offer is made by an Indian Princess, w
In case we should fight with the Russ,
To raise and maintain, both in rations and dress,
An Amazon Army for us.
All the Mahratti ladies are wild to enlist,
And anxiously wait to be drilled;
And valiantly itches each doubled-up fist
To be with some armament filled.
Now, why should not we, who go in for our rights-
As worthy to get them as men-.
Why should not we take our position in fights
With rifle as well as with pen?
Let English be not Indian ladies behind
In helping their country at need ;
And Albion's Amazons then you will find
A very fine regiment indeed I
The Queen, as our colonel, will lead us, of course-
We shall be a beautiful sight I
Britannia has never possessed such a force,
So great and resistless in might;
Oh I women of Britain, rush forward and join,
We will be the crack corps on earth,
For all our accoutrements-careless of coin-
Will be the production of W6RTH I
Our rights in this way must be granted. The Queen,
As woman, can never refuse I
The pink of her army will in us be seen,
Not only at peaceful reviews,
But ever our flag shall in battle be set
The foremost of all in the van I
To conquer we'll lead I For it ever was yet,
And will be-we're followed by MAN I
"TIME IS MONEY."
TRUE, TRUE I-The men in all our Highland regiments Brown.-" AwFUL LONG TIME BETWEEN THE ACTS, EH ?"
wear washing trousers which never shrink-either from the Scotch Friend.-" AY, MAYBEI BUT CONSEDDER YE'VE PAID TEN
effects of water or "fire." SHILLUN I YE'RE AYE GETTING' MAIR FOR YER SILLER I"
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES A-CAMPING. with all the latest dodges in the shape of ingenious portable furniture. I
My visit to Wimbledon Conmmon, Sir, was prefaced by what I may pride myself most on an article of my own invention, which I call the
call an un-commonly unpleasant episode. I had just had a chance Selstoolcoopcamerametricone, which is equally useful as a salt-box, a
"split" with a friend at Waterloo (which, by the way, might be well hencoop, or a footstool; and may, by a slight adjustment, be also
called a pleasant episode and brandy), when a fat station official in cor- turned to account as a gas-meter, a missionary box, or a portable dark-
duroy and moleskin had the audacity to stop me. closet for amateur photographers.
"Stand aside," I cried sharply. "Stand back, I never mix my drinks I" I may add, in confidence, that I find it less troublesome to always use
Noticing the bewildered look of the bystanders, I hastened to repeat, my Selstoolcoopcamerametricone as a tea-caddy, one of the few things
"I never mix my drinks, I say; and so, having just had a B. and S., I it wasn't invented for.
don't want any of this porter I" and I pointed to the official. But, after all, my chief purpose in coming to Wimbledon this year,
There was a merry guffaw at this, but the porter did not succumb. Sir, is to shoot. I shot off several ties yesterday; and by the time you
"You're going down with a pass as a reporter?" he queried, again pay me a visit, I hope to be in sufficiently good form to shoot off your
regarding my special ticket, collar as well I
"Just so," said I. I have been shooting every day more or less. Yesterday, including
"But you are in uniform," he returned, an ill-fated marker, I shot two more than the day before. The officer
Precisely," I replied, at the I,ooo yards range assured me that I should soon shoot through
"Then look here," he retorted, raising his voice," I should very much my class. But I think this was a sarcastic remark of his, induced by
like to know how, if you are a volunteer, you can be a pressman too ?" the fact that I had already shot through my class instructor.
Then there was another guffaw, Sir, which made that porter think All of my shots at the running-deer have been "fine" ones, so far.
anything but small beer of himself. The fine I have to pay varies, but it is never less than Is. 6d.
I confess I was chagrined for the moment, but when the railway There is a very ill-mannered marker at No. 27 Range, He said to a
minion took me aside and told me he had been a subscriber to FUN from comrade of mine that he'd put me on the steps of Spurgeon's Tabernacle
the first, and had recognized me as soon as he saw me, I patted him on with a rifle, and then bet ten to one that I didn't hit Newington Butts I
the back, and told him he was no end of a pot-adding, "of porter." It was at this same marker's target that I said one of my numerous
On reaching the Camp, I at once proceeded to my tent; but, meeting good things. "' What's the latest bulletin ?" asked a volunteer coming
Squibbs, of the Poplar Pullbacks en route, at once started on my quippy up just after his friend's last shot was signalled.
course. An outer," said his friend.
Hullo, Roinan Candles I" I exclaimed (I call him Roman Candles If it's an outer, I remarked calmly, "I don't call it a bull-eye-
because his name is Squibbs). "Where are your fellows this year, eh ?" tin,'" and I walked away amidst envious glances to have my lunch
"Oh, the Poplar Pullback Corps has not got its camp at Wimbledon You know the Umbrella Tent, of course? Well, one of my quips is
this season," he replied, that when we are under that we are "gamping" out. But I only tell
"The Poplar Pullback Corps hasn't got its (s)camp at Wimbledon this to the new men.
this season, hasn't it ?" I retorted. "Now Squibbs, old man, how can But my latest joke is really a brand-new one. Seeing how happy
that be when you're here?" we all of us are, I maintain that to call Wimbledon a volunteer camp is
Being an old campaigner, Sir, Ifound mytentwell-pitched and furnished a misnomer. It is a camp of "volunsmiles l"
26 FU N. JULY 15, 1885.
THE DUSTHOLE AS IT SHOULD BE, IN VIEW OF POSSIBLE EPIDEMICS.
(BEING A HINT TO ALL GOOD CITIZENS.)
Grapplewithitt was a good citizen. His dusthole was no cholera-centre; on the contrary, he took proper care. Nothing ever entered his dusthole except scent-
sachets and that sort of thing. All refuse was rigidly thrown over his neighbour's wall.
[ MIN iI
. -. J ...A
The Epidemics would glance down his area, and sniff in indignant disgust. "Pretty state of things I What do they suppose we are to live on ?" remarked the Flies.
"Eh?" Grapplewithitt would often remark to a friend. "sFe l quite done p.? Can gt to tnhe neasidefor a breath offresk air ? Pooh, my dear boy --who wants
the seaside? Come down and sit on my dusthole for a week."
~ d'* *'-
Corporal Mike (ist Middlesex).-" PLEASE, SIR, HOW DO YOU LOAD THESE 'ERE THINGS?"
The Colonel.-" OH, ANYHOW! STICK IN EXCHEQUER BILLS, TREASURY BILLS-ANYTHING YOU
PLEASE-AND BLAZE AWAY."
%,^ tgL tt /,
28 FUN. JULY I', 1885.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
IR,-Done it again, you
see. I mean they've done
it again, of course. You
may be inclined to ask,
Wlo have done what
again?" and well you may.
Why, they've scratched
my selection again, that's
= what they've done. Why
couldn't they have let
Eurasian win the Nor-
thumberland Plate when I
said it would ? Why, sir,
I'll tellyou why. Jealousy!
nothing but jealousy, that's
d o why. As it was, I said
Blue Grass was a "game
'un," and Hambledon an
owanimal on which I was.
"rather sweet," so I think
I sufficiently vindicated my knowledge of what is what. And here goes
to do it even more so with my
TIP FOR THE LIVERPOOL CUP,.
I'M a looking for the winner,
And of course I mean to catch it,
That's unless some wretched sinner
Has the impudence to scratch it-
If he does, I'd like to duck him in the river down by Datchet.
Now, for Quicklime I've a leaning-
I consider him the chappie-
And you'll understand my meaning
When I say Macheath is "snappy,"
Though I think I with (Mac)heither could be reasonably happy.
Fast-and-Loose I have an eye to,
And I keep it there sedately ;
While Farewell I say "Good-bye" to,
For I do not love it greatly-
Against farewells, in point of fact, I'm prejudiced innately.
Very nice the Lord Strathnairn is,
And his chance of winning, very;
And there not a man or bairn is
But is pleased with Londonderry.
Yet, although it opens wide enough, his mouth won't get the cherry.
But Brocken, of all chaps, will,
If in decentish condition
(As some other horses, p'raps will),
Take a prominent position;
But whether it's reliable is open to suspicion.
As for the Cumberland Plate that I fancied myself so much over-
well-I can't (or I would) help confessing that I was all out of it; but,
as I said before, who can hold out against such wholesale scratch-
ings ? Not Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
FROM Canada we learn that a party of fifty clerical cyclists intend
starting together upon a wheeling tour in the neighbourhood of Niagara,
&c. This invasion of godliness is expected to be wheely startling to the
benighted districts upon which it will come bearing down, and of course
striking dismay into the souls of evil-doers. In some places it may even
cause a regular hubbub among the natives, if it does not make a few go
quite cranky. The machines patronised by the roverend-we beg
pardon, reverend-tourists will no doubt be Excelsiors or Singers. It
will, of course, be a very sociable gathering, and we sincerely trust they
will find plenty of enjoyment in their trip, which no one, we imagine,
will begrudge them.
"JACK AND JILL."-We are glad to see that this amusing publication
is making rapid strides to excellence, and, most deservedly, in public
approval. There appears weekly in its ample pages something to enter-
tain all classes-" something for Jack and something for Jill." It ought
to be understood that it is not, as its title might imply, a journal ad-
dressed exclusively to the very young; it is rather addressed to all ages,
and not unlike other publications of a kindred sort, intended to amuse
and instruct all who choose to buy; and we most heartily recommend
all our readers to do so without delay. A better pennyworth it would
be difficult to find.
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
A GENTLE PASTIME.
The Battle of Bantry Bay terminated happily with the defeat of the enemy.
Fortunately both fleets escaped without losing a man; which, considering the excited
feelings that prevailed, is rather remarkable. Jack Tar and Ben the Marine have an
artistic feeling that a sham-fight ought to be made as realistic as possible- .* *
The Standard correspondent tells a story of a marine who said he would have given
'a week's pay for just one ball-cartridge.' "-Newspaper.]
MR. BLEATER, of Bayswater (Civilian). It has just occurred to me
what a terrible and cruel thing war must be, Barlaam. Who can, with-
out a shudder and a sigh of pity for those engaged in them, reflect upon
the horrors of armed strife between man and his fellow-man ?
MR. BARLAAM, ofBrixton (Civilian). You are, indeed, right, Bleater.
How terrible and heartrending is the picture which the imagination
limns, for instance, of our poor soldiers and sailors in the Soudan. Can
we but shudder as we think upon the sharp and stinging agony of -the
deadly bullet-the hideous gash of the cruel sabre-the lingering torture
of thirst in the wounded-the limb suddenly, and without previous notice,
removed from its owner, perhaps to the most inconvenient distance, by
the relentless cannon-ball? -
MR. BL. Ah, Barlaam how acute must be the longing for peace in
the breasts of our doomed yet devoted fighting men. But what is this
crash that salutes our ears? Can it be thunder?
MR. BAR. No, Bleater. Alas I perceive that war has broken out
in our very midst. It is evidently some Russian war-ships which are
thus attacking Bantry Bay, while our brave and unfortunate seamen
strive hard to defend. Let us watch from behind this umbrella. Yes
-see, two boats approach each other amid a mutual hail of deadly lead,
while in the faces of the combatants a fixed and fearful expression of
rage and hate-
MR. BL. Eh ? Are you sure of that ? Somehow it seems to me-it
may be my defective sight-that the combatants are grinning all over
their bearded faces, and cracking jokes with the relentless foe.
MR. BAR. Why, you say truly. Even now the following exclama-
tions, in a tone of delight, reach -my ear :-" Here's a lark, Bill; 'ere's
my leg carried away I" "He, he There goes that there left arm o'
mine with that shell 1 Here's fun I" Hooray, Bob, my lad-there's
a end of me I" Right through my jolly old vitals I Keep it up,
MR. BL. It is most peculiar. See, the brave seamen are slain by the
dozen at a time, laughing with the utmost enjoyment. Alas I they are
all gone now; and a fearsome and heartrending silence succeeds to the
din of war. Ah, here is the sole survivor: I will ask him of this strange
BEN THE MARINE. Battle, sir? Rooshans, sir? Lor' bless yer I it's
only a bit of a sham fight between two sections of the British fleet. All
got killed? Oh, yes; it was regler 'umbug at first-the admiral wouldn't
serve us out no ball-cartridges or shell-jest child's play. But we
managed to git hold of some ball an' shell while the admiral was 'avin'
his tea, and managed to 'ave a bit of a real spree. Why do I look so
disappointed? Why, ain't it enough to make a man look disappointed?
Hain't got a single blessed scratch, I ain't. I'm the sole survivor-jest
my luck I! If I could ony have 'ad a couple o' bullets in a painful part
I wouldn't ha' cared. Wy, the man next to me-he always was a lucky
sort, he was-got blowed into small bits at the very start. I know I
I've got it 1
MR. BL. Ha 1 a sudden flash of joy lights up your hardy features. I
am glad to see this change. May I inquire what cause- ?
BEN THE M. I know. I'll jest pretend I've got a ball in my leg,
and then p'r'aps the surgeon'll ampittate the limb. Don't see why i
shouldn't 'ave my share o' fun I (He goes off, muttering discontentedly
about the abolition of explosive bullets in war.)
MORE'S THE PITY !-Life is oftentimes so short and miserable as to
be the mere echo of a sigh I
JULY 15, 1885. FU N 29
THE SMILE, AND WHAT IT CAME TO.
There was a little man, Eminently calculated But, knowing if he giggled, For years he vainly struggled The lamentable occasion
And he heard a little joke, Laughter to provoke. He'd be sure to drop his glass, To be solemn; but, alas! Ultimately came to pass.
BEFORE leaving this country, that potent monarch, Oko Jumbo, ex-
pressed his admiration for the English barmaids at the Inventories; "
though he afterwards qualified his praise by
asserting that they are not half so charming
as the beauties in Bonny. Don't rush to
Bonny by the next boat, ye mashers! The
Bonny bunnies nibble tobacco.
MANY of our aristocrats shivered at the
b are notion of Sir N. de Rothschild's eleva-
tion to the peerage. Some of these carping,
captious specimens of nobility have shivered
and trembled in front of this gentlemanly
Israelite while trying to negotiate a loan,
S W and have left him dropping salt tears of joy
at his magnanimous generosity. Yet they
think it a gross insult to'their caste that Her
Majesty thinks fit to make him a peer. What
a ghastly mockery human nature is I
THE fumes of dynamite frequently cause
miners to have fits of apoplexy. The Irish "patriot" experimentalists
who dabble with this deadly explosive are impervious to its vapour.
Their brains are far too dense to be affected.
THE commencement of the fishing season having been tolerably satis-
factory, the fish liars are now rapidly pulling out chubby mendacities.
We rather like some fish liars, they are amusing; but the gruesome
barber-fisherman who enlarges dolefully on his "takes," and gives
melancholy essays on bait, is an aggressive nuisance. When this enthu-
siast in the gentle arts of fishing and untruthfulness has got you fairly
under his razor, he is perfectly aware that you cannot escape his torture.
He gloats as he watches you turn green at his chatter about strange
catches, lob-worms, and singularly unpleasant ground-bait; and when
you leave the "toilet club you hear him mutter under his breath to a
fellow barber-fisherman, I-bet he don't eat fish for lunch to-day."
WE wonder whether any members of the Royal Commission on
Sewage Discharge will take a trip down the Thames this year to hunt
for smells. Last year, on July 19, five sturdy Royal Commissioners-
made a daring voyage down the great sewer of London. Three of the
explorers were laid up after the perilous adventure, and a clerk who
accompanied them was actually obliged to imbibe a tiny drop of brandy,
mixed with port wine, while discharging his duties.
WHITEBAIT at Greenwich, devilled, acts as a capital counter-irritant
after a run down the Thames during the English cholera months; but
beware of the green gooseberry champagne-please do, dear boys I
WILLIAM SPLUGGINS, of Saffron Hill, hoped to get into the good
graces of Maria Dostles, of Drury Lane, on the strength of an inexpen-
sive ice-cream treat. Hev a hice, Maria ?" said Mr. Spluggins. "Not
if I knows it," replied Miss Dostles. "I ain't particular, but I seed
yesterday a dozen of them Hitalian ice-creamers a-gettin' water fur glass
washin' out of a boss-trough. S'elp me, Willum I bosses was a-sneezin'
in that there hoss-trough, and two on 'em as I twigged had the glan-
derers. Bein' a cabman's dorter, didn't I ought to know ?"
DR. W. A. HAMMOND, the great authority on women's dress, says,
"A woman commanding a steamboat would certainly be more efficient
in trousers than in long skirts." Many travellers know to their cost
that it is not unusual for ladies to command on board ship as well as on
land. From personal experience, we are inclined to doubt whether
female captains could be more lively and smart than when clad in
their most swagger feminine garb. Perhaps wearing bags made by
Poole might cause them to run a little higher up the ladder of supremacy.
But whether this would- be an advantage to them or us is a ticklish
PRINCE LEININGEN, one of the Queen's German cousins, has really
assumed command as the Man at the Nore (where the waves come
tumbling o'er and o'er). The gallant Prince is very anxious to blot out
his high-handed running-down proclivities; and, as a penance for
wrecking the Mistletoe, he proposes to trim the Nore light every six
months or so with his royal white fingers. It is hinted that Prince
Leiningen was once offered the command of H.M.S. Polyphemus, and
that his native modesty inclined him to refuse it. Had Prince Leiningen
accepted the post of captain of her, he certainly would have tested the
ram's destructive qualities with great energy. She might have done
H.M.S. Polyphemus is a ram. Doesn't it seem a little absurd to call
a ram "she" and "her"? Yet we are bound to do so under fearful
A Ridiculous Revival.
AT the Theatre Royal, St. Stephen's, which most British people know,
A striking change of bill took place a night or two ago,
The company, which lately played a piece called "Liberal rule,"
Were then replaced by players of a very different school;
A new stage-manager assumed direction of the House,
And the company he brings with him declares he'll show some nous;
And others say he won't, because it is his fixed intent,
To revive that musty farce, entitled Tory Government."
This farce has often been produced, but, ah I we must confess,
Though its situations made some laugh, they also caused distress.
Last time it ran six years or so, and funny were its tricks,
But it placed our British audiences in many an awkward fix,
For eccentric parts called Jingoes often figured in this play,
Who strutted on the stage in quite a Bobadil-ish way.
And in spite of all its antics, 'twas agreed with one consent,
Quite a failure was the farce entitled Tory Government."
Its present run cannot last long,-'tis but a stop-gap piece,
And before the winter season's here its run will have to cease-
But still the present manager's in hope the great B.P.
Will, in January, want the farce again-but we shall see
If the public really ask for its revival later on,
'Twill either be because the public taste is nearly gone;
Or that the piece is better to a very great extent-
For up till now a sorry farce is Tory Government."
We can hardly judge at present-for the prologue's but begun,
But the preparations look as though we ought to have some fun,
What with Randy as the "First Low Com." and Salisbury "Heavy
Why, certain situations should be comical indeed.
But 'tis doubtful if these "star "-folk and the supers in their train-
Have ability to manage any serious-interest vein-
For at times the national playhouse on important schemes is bent,
More useful than the farce entitled "Tory Government."
The last production here-although it certainly had flaws,
Was more dramatic in its tone and gained immense applause,
But the players who are now engaged did not but guy" and jeer,
Till at last they caused a shindy o'er an interlude called "Beer"
And then they jumped and danced about, and gleefully they ran,
Exclaiming that they'd quite upset the Grand Old Leading Man.
That's how these folks got re-engaged-and now 'tis their-intent
To try that musty-fusty farce called "Tory Government."
THE INSPECTOR'S FAILURE.
IT was a heartless joke.
It was perpetrated by the "poorer classes," and we are almost
ashamed to relate it; but perhaps it may do good as a lesson-to the
"poorer classes," of course.
The inhabitants of Scrubbins's Rents held an informal meeting.
"Well," said Joe Hodd, the labourer, "wot I ses is, we've got to
punish him some'ow for all the worritin' and tyranny as he's give us;
an' so we'd better find out the way."
"Right you are I" shouted all the other parents of children present.
I have it," said Betsy, the charwoman. Suppose we--"
Our reporter did not hear the rest of the proposal; but it was greeted
with a hearty shout of assent, and carried. The meeting dispersed with
the anticipation of triumph, and went into their uninhabitable houses.
He came round the corner of Scrubbins's Rents chuckling inwardly,
while he conned over a well-thumbed note-book. Ho I ho I Joseph
Hodd, day labourer; youngest child ill of the measles, and absent from
school for three days. Must have her out of bed like a shot-that'll
tickle up Joseph. That'll make Joe swear. Shouldn't wonder if he
takes to drink or commits suicide I Let's see-ah I Betsy Scrubber,
charwoman. Little boy broken his leg, and absent yesterday in conse-
quence. He, he I I'll soon see whether he can't be made to get up
and limp to school somehow I Won't Betsy be wild-that's all I Try
to tear my eyes out probably; that's the fun 1 love. Ho, ho I Madden
em, that's the true sport-make 'em beside themselves with rage-drive
'em to drink, and so on. That's the way to enjoy oneself. What's the
next item? Jane Jones's boy absent from school, earning three shillings
a week because the family's starving. Ho, ho I I'll starve 'em I Get
them fined ten shillings; that's the way to do it !"
Then he sighted Joe Hodd, and smacked his lips at the prospect of
Joe's wild rage-and despair; but he looked puzzled, then disappointed,
as Joe actually greeted him with a smile of cordial welcome.
"Good day," said the School Board inspector urbanely. "Ahem I
Your little girl has been absent from school for the last three days.
Measles, I am given to understand. We'll soon see about measles."
With pleasure, sir," said Joe joyfully; and the inspector turned
pale, and stared aghast. With evident pleasure Joe assisted him to haul
the child out of bed and kick her downstairs.
The inspector stared at Joe in a stupefied way, passed his hand across
his bewildered brow, and shrieked-
Why, you don't seem a bit grieved."
"Grieved ? said Joe cheerfully. Why, bless yer soul, I like it 1"
The inspector groaned, and went off to Betsy, the charwoman.
"May I ask why your little boy was absent from school yesterday?
Broken leg-ah I ah I We'll soon see if he can't manage to walk
"That we will, sir, won't we ? exclaimed Betsy heartily.
The inspector staggered-his head swam-he felt sick-he groaned,
and sat down. Then if all the other inhabitants of the Rents did not
come out with flowers and other little offerings for him, and press to
grasp and kiss his hand.
He made one more attempt. "Where is Jane Jones ?" he asked, but
the attempt at urbaniity in his tone was a failure now, and he spoke in a
kind of wail, interrupted with sobs.
"Jane Jones? Oh, here she is! She's a-starvin', she is; which
that's jest what she injoys, 'cos she ses it soots her; she don't git bilious,"
said the crowd with one voice.
"Her lit-tle boy is-engaged, I hear, in some business--contrary to
the regula- Here the inspector fairly broke down, and hid his face
in his hands.
"Oh, no!" said the crowd. "His mother made 'im give that up,
'cos it seemed to displease you."
The inspector staggered up, gazed wildly round, gave one long, dread-
ful howl of insanity, and dashed away to Hanwell, where he is now
chained up. His post is vacant.
DEAR EDITOR,-Parties who're down by the sea
(A number, at present, inclusive of me)
Will seldom, whatever their attitude, fail
To be gently invited to go for a sail.
And those who're inclined for it frequently go,
And those who dislike it will answer with No,"
While those who're supplied with a yacht of their own
Are rather stand-offish, I fancy, in tone.
But the sky is all blue, and there isn't a cloud,
And the wind isn't likely to whistle too loud,
And the sea is too smooth to wig-waggle a ship;
So-what do you say ?-shall we go for a trip ?
Let us sail to the port on the Lancashire shore
Where the Gallia, crippled, seeks England once more;
Let us sail to the coast of the suffering Spain,
And, finding the cholera, put off again.
Then tack we a point as we steer a fresh course,
To see Bradlaugh beaten by numbers perforce;
Then bear we for Windsor, where soldiers, I wot,
May go with one glove while the weather's so hot.
Next sail we away by the river and sea
Where many unfortunate aeronauts be-
Some in the Serpentine, some on the ground,
And some in a big market-garden are found.
Then the spot let us seek where His Highness of Wales
His brother's Memorial Building unveils.
And anchor a trip, on another tack bent-
Find sixpenny telegrams will not be sent.
Then luffiing a little, all properly found,
We make the Star Music Hall, burned to the ground
(A sight for sor-rys, as we needn't explain),
And speak with Lord Wolseley, returning again.
A bearing to south'ard, we scarcely will pass
The Palace of Crystal that's builded of glass;
And rigging us out in our shore-going togs,
We put in to look at the Kennel Club Dogs.
Then up for fair Dublin we steer our next course,
To see the new Viceroy ride on a white horse,
With people hurraying or hissing instead.
I'm Yours very faithfully, sir,
(A CONTEMPORARY (one of those Tory bad shillingsworths) playfully
suggesting that Lord Hartington should turn book-maker; Sir W.
Harcourt chuckerr out" or Salvation Army preacher; that Moon-
lighters should shoot Sir C. Dilke and Mr. Chamberlain, &c., and,
taken to task by a correspondent for the latter, explains, after thought-
fully pointing out the inconsistency of its own remarks, that they were
intended for irony I)
To say that you mean what you don't mean at all
May pass for true wit with the Tory
(Though people at large are more likely to call
Such elaborate humour a-story !)
And childishly purposeless impudence, p'r'aps,
And penning of paragraphs gassy
May seem to those simple Conservative chaps
To be iron-y,-only its brass-y I
Taking their Measure.
THE Brooklyn police have been greatly exercised by the action of the
authorities in determining to regard obesity as a disqualification for
service in the force. Immediately upon the announcement that all
officers measuring more than forty-five inches round the waist would be
summarily dismissed, extensive orders were sent out for supplies of anti-
fat and sweating flannels, while invites were despatched to several
eminent athletic trainers at home and abroad to come out and assist the
unwieldy members of the force to get rid of their superfluous tissues.
Editors of exchanges have been worried with urgent inquiries whether
an infatuation for cooks and housemaids, or an undue stoutness of nerve
or limb, would entail disqualification and dismissal. Sundry active and
intelligent members, hitherto puLffed out with a sense of their own im-
portance, have since visibly collapsed, and assumed an aspect of extreme
limpness and lankiness. Although some corpulent unfortunates have
since taken to living principally upon slops," it must not be assumed
that these have developed cannibalistic propensities.
JULY IS, 1885.
JULY I5, I885. ITU N 31
Beach Loaders. 7
Before a party tries to shoot,
And hit a distant mark to boot,
With charges he's exploded,
'Tis just as well
If he can tell
How rifles should be loaded.
Until a party comprehends
Which are the breach and muzzle
And where to put the cartridge,
He'd better not
Attempt to pot
A target or a partridge.
Unless a party understands
The proper way to place his hands
And to present the lifle,
?-A His practice, to
6 Bystanders who
C Are watching, is no trifle.
When novices blaze off at first,
Be ready for the very worst:
Perhaps you'll be mistaken, n/
But oh! I beware,
And have a care-
They won't-to save your bacon.
Cum Grano Sails-bury.
[Lord Salisbury says the Conservatives
are as anxious for improvement in Local
Government as Liberals.]
DEAR Marquis, we know Local Go-
Holds your heart, though few
people would guess it,
That you'll stick to it tight, with the
whole of your might,
Ere any one else shall possess it; ;
And you'll stand, firm as Gib. ere
the renegade Lib.
Shall share in your noble affec-
So gallant and true-and with no-
thing to do )
With the forthcoming autumn d .
MOST UNDOUBTEDLY !-If the -.
Queen's chaplains are no better than
her ministers they're a queer set. TAKING IT EASY.-PEACE WITH HONOUR.
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
MONDAY, July 6.-Selborne having got the sack, jolly, podgy little
Giffard (now Lord Halsbury) gets the woolsack. The new Premier
announces foreign policy of Ministers. Explains problems Government
has to solve, and incidentally contradicts assertion of his design to defer
dis-solution. Carnarvon also explains the Irish stew, and his determi-
nation not to make a hash of it if he can help it.
Commons.-Entry of the re-elected amid cordial cheers from their
own side, and generous ones from opponents. Gladstone, once again
Leader of H.M. Opposition, gets a good all-round welcome. Every-
body proud of everybody else. Then the House settles down to enjoy
that familiar entertainment, the Bradlaugh Burlesque. Member for
Northampton advances to take the oath; Chancellor of Exchequer
moves that he takes his hook instead. Maiden speech from the new
star, Webster, Q C., a man whose career from beginning to present
time is spelt in one word, success." The athlete lawyer has followed
Halsbury's wake in sitting for Launceston, and, ten to one, will follow
him some day to the woolsack. Once more Bradlaugh defeated. No
light spar with Gossett this time; but Charles, by retiring with dignity
under defeat, gains more than on memorable occasion when he went out
in instalments; and, those who oppose him tooth and nail on principle
cannot help admiring his perseverance.
Tuesday.-Lord Ravensworth thinks Standing Order prohibiting pay-
ment of interest out of capital standing grievance in case of Regent's
Canal, City, and Docks Railway. "Standing Order be hanged I" say
their Lordships, and the same suspended in this case accordingly.
Commons.-Bentinck, perhaps having regard to the sultry atmos-
phere, calls attention to the "shady side of Pall Mall." Sir Michael
announces Government programme. Another Irish "experiment." No
coercion. Government intends to rule the Green Isle without a Crimes
Act. FUN wishes more power to their elbows, and hopes, from the bottom
of his heart that Patrick, on his part, will refrain from acts and crimes
that make one necessary. Welsh Education and Scotch Crofters' Bills
proipised for next session. In fact, Sir Michael's mission professedly
to propagate contentement in Ireland, vowels in Wales, and sunshine in
Sky(e). Lawson, willing to learn, even from opponents, tries the con.
fidence trick. Severely sat on-151 to 2. Sir Wilfrid sort of man
who will distinguish himself, if only by being ridiculous. In Supply,
Ince, Q.C., makes sacrilegious proposal to re-arrange Chancery chief
clerks. Webster begs him to beware. Ordinary people like judges
may be raffled for by rota, but fancy patriarchal Jawkins or ponderous
Sminns-Bith being picked out of a churn or a lucky bag I
Wednesday-Commons.-Almost like being with evolutionary squad-
ron. House desperately nautical. Navy Estimates in Supply, and
Lord George Hamilton up and down like the Duke of York's army.
Sir G. Campbell very pertinently objects to Hobart Pasha, Turkish
admiral, remaining on list of English officers. New First Lord announces
overhauling of Admiralty finance.
BW To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay /or Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamned and directed envelope.
32 FUN. JUL15, 1885.
SECOND THOUGHTSWARE BEST.
' Short-sighted Old Party (who has got into a public house instead of a library).-" HAVE YOU GOT BURTON. ON MELANCHOLY '?"
Landlord.-"No, SIR; WE ONLY KEEP IT ON DRAUGHT." [Old Party meditates, and has it.
THE delicious frontispiece, "The Pet Fawn," by Mary Hallack
Foote in St. Nicholas, does great credit to her head and hand. There
are many other sweet things in the number.-In The Century there is a
fine display of portraits. There is also an illustrated article headed,
" Frank Hatton in North Borneo," in which the serviceable life and
sadly premature death of this brave and talented youth is tenderly told
by his father.-In Macmillan there are no trivial topics, only such as
have been and should be carefully thought over.-Household Words has
reading enough for everybody, and its Summer Number has enough for
"a few more."-The Leisure Hlour, The Sunday at Home, The Boys'
Own Paper (with a frontispiece of various sorts of trees), and The Girls'
Own Paper are all full of good reading and good illustrations.
"Why not Eat Insects?" by Vincent M. Holt (Field and Tuer).
After careful perusal and impartial contemplation of this book and its
advocacy, we earnestly ask ourselves the question, "Why not eat
insects ? and emphatically answer, Why not ? Who would not bite
the brawny beetle, or chump the chirpy cricket ? Who would not smack
their lips after feasting on the slimy slug, sigh for a feed off the beauteous
butterfly, or desire to devour worms as their daily "grub."-" Amateur
Tommy Atkins," by Private Samuel Bagshaw (Field and Tuer). An
amusing account of a volunteer's experiences. Tommy tries to make
himself appear a "bit of a Sammy."-"Old London Cries," by Andrew
Tuer (Field and Tuer). The cry we may rightly make in favour of this
very interesting book is a "full and fair" one, "Come and buy."-
"Rus; a Bundle of Bucolics (Wyman and Sons). The far-branching
evils of the existing land laws, which so seriously affect the land labourer,
and cause such a wide-spread undergrowth of bitterness, are here
exposed with, in one or two cases, perhaps, an excusable outcrop of
exaggeration.-" The Ambassadors of Commerce by A. P. Allen
(T. Fisher Unwin). We here see the commercial traveller in his ttue
light, as he was, and as he is; there is no saying what he will be. The
book is full of amusing anecdote, pleasantly written, and is highly enter-
taining, as might be expected from one so thoroughly acquainted with
"the ways and the manners" of the large and deserving body of men
whose business it is to advance the interests of commerce.-" Latter
Day Legends," by William Sapte, jun. (Samuel French). There is
something both very whimsical and very funny about these Legends,"
even to the decided leaning towards Cockney rhymes, unsteadiness on
the "feet," and noble disregard of rhythm.
ONE PENNY. EVERY WEDNESDAY.
"JA'C, .A.D JTI3, ,"
AN ILLUSTRATED WEEKLY MISCELLANY FOR EVERYBODY.
OFFICES, 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.
9@SoSSS@@***@6 "TONGA -.m
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London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July x5th, i885.
-,) ,' ..'1, .-- \ d>"^r -
1 '.0"o -H z f zz 'P-
YO4 XL oj.-NO. 1o?4.
LUCKS EVERYTHING.-MAY THEY BE HAPPY.
JULY 22, 1885.
JULY 22, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
r- US' HE STRAND.-Mr. J. S. Clarke does
cuss not seem fortunate with the original
c Uss plays he produces. Cousin Johnny
to the extent that it allows the display
of the actor's undoubtedly comical
Peculiarities of style is funny but
three acts sole, or almost sole, de-
pendence upon Mr. Clarke's facial
Sr twists, sudden changes of expression,
I f and other "personal effects" results
in satiation to the borders of weari-
Tness. And, as the story of the piece
can boast neither originality nor brisk-
ness, or even refinement of narration,
this is pretty much what it amounts
THE STRAND.-" CUSSIN'JOHNNY' to. The sto. The story and chief character is,
in fact, little more than a faithful
memory of Fortune's Frolic, Tony Lumpkin, A Fool and His Money,
Cousin oe, et hoc genus omne.
Three acts are too many, believe me, of such
A queer set-each a dubious entity-
Who tell a dull story, which isn't so much
As a case of mistaken identity.
ONE doesn't absolutely weary, you know, for Mr. Clarke, like (C)larks
of all kinds, keeps it up wonderfully, and, although I can't say whether
he wears a coat-of-arms, be certainly rejoices in "supporters" of no mean
order, among which there is at least a Crest-on Clarke, Then
there is H. R. Teesdale-the ad-
mired of all teetotalers who take
their teas daily no less than of con-
firmed topers who have the pleasing
impression that teazed ale" is a
new and pungent kind of liquor-
Rothsay, who scores well, Wyatt-
but w'yat-tempt to enumerate them,
when all work so well ? Miss Lucy I f
Buckstone, Miss M. Hudspeth, and
Miss Eleanor Bufton, to wit. -
Three other persons appear in the
cast ; but the characters they play '
are purposely objectionable, and sesi ,
the way they play them not striking, lo.\
so we'll say no more about them.
TOOLE's.-Mr. Burnand has fol-
lowed up his capital burlesque of TOOLE'S.-TNE PAINFUL EFFECTS OF A
Claudian, by an almost as capital LOVE POTiON.
an one of Theodora, "the Great
Sara's" last. Sardou's piece has created a great sensation, and
although I can't say I quite sympathise with all this Sardou about it, it
thus becomes nearly-though I don't think quite, because, nine people
out of ten know nothing of the original-a good enough subject for
travestie. It is to be noted that while the author seeks his subject over
the Eastern Channel, he has crossed the Western for his title; this
explains his being a little bit at sea in some parts of his dialogue.
MR. BURNAND is well aware of the value of an elderly criticism,-
who does not know the familiar "standing joke" which is received
with enthusiastic roars whenever introduced, while the brilliant brand-
UGH! OAi A ON of your subtle
A'the brain is re-
q A ceived in ap-
Huul preciative si.
at the appear-
Sance of the fa-
r Imiliar burles-
of turning the
TOoLES.-" THa-ODOURR ON A WRONG TRACK'SENT I" to a "Christy
the nonce, although their conspirator business is the very funniest bur-
lesque. Mr. E. D. Ward, by the way, who plays Marcellus, with his usual
humorous resource, makes this notion artistically funny by his imita-
tion of the nigger "bass."
MR. TOOLE'S Andreas is pretty much like Mr. Toole's anything
else, it is decidedly comical, you can
n .laugh at most of it (some of it you can't
help laughing at-an illimitable cancer-
(i .J J '. tina comes under this head), and you
can't mistake who is playing it even for
the space of a flash of greased lightning.
His imitation of Marais is funny, and
clever, though. Miss Marie Linden is
in her element, and I don't know whe-
....- : other she is best when clutching anI
twisting, and serpentining a Id Sara, or
." ,/'i ._._ B when she is footing it as featly as she, if
i anybody knows, how. The "hair-pin"
A]i'fllt''.'\ ..'- business is well worked up. Mr. Shel-
ilo bles ue hold ton makes a bit of character out of the
-r-- Emperor with a very funny "Roman-
TOOLE'S (ANON).-THEPROFOR coin" make up, and Miss Thorne up, and Miss aThorne i
ON CHANGE. substantial sorceress. The piece is
staged, and "put on" in capital style,
but it is not a big success, and I think that The Great Taykin, being
also a burlesque, should not be in the same programme.
NODS AND WINKs.-Monday saw the end of the Bancrofts' managerial
career. We have had many a good thing at their hands, and, with the
probable assistance of the late H. J. Byron's astuteness, they found"
Robertson, and were among the pioneers on the road to the "natural"
school of acting, of which the highest development is Henry Irving;
but, really, they've made, and others have made, such a fuss about it
all lately, that Tuesday morning more than likely brought a huge sigh
of relief from the majority of that minority which interests itself in thea-
trical matters.. However, let bygones be bygones, and here's success to
the new management, although, indeed, it begins with Dark Days.-
Mr. and Mrs. Bancroft have not absolutely retired yet, by the way. A
"farewell" tour round the provinces is in process of organization, and
will probably be something like a triumphal medieval "progress," but
I fancy they will find the Robertson comedy series squeezed pretty dry.
Mr. Cross has decided not to bring that Water to the boil at the Comedy
until this (Wednesday) afternoon, in order not to clash with the Actors'
Benevolent Fund Benefit.-On Saturday next the Adelphi re-opens with
Boucicault's Arra-na-ogue. Messrs. Charles Sullivan, E. D. Beveridge,
and Miss Mary Rorke play the principal characters. In this latter case
all those who do not know will learn how quaintly seductive sounds
"the brogue" on pretty lips. I expect there will be a run on Irish
marriageable girls immediately.-The Silver Wedding is advertised as
the Standard autumn piece; Mr. Jas. Willing, jun., is the advertiser-I
mean author. -I heard Mr. Duck was going to "open" at Toole's with
Miss Fortescue next month; but it seems that this lady is going to
America on a "one-third. of-the-
nimum" engagement. Who
(Which is rather suggestive of a i
promise being a very little boy )
Meantime, Mr. Duck will present
Miss Eweretta Lawrence and the r
play On Change, or the Professor's
Venture; let us hope he will be a a
clever duck and drake in the pieces. t S
-The Drury Lane paradox, A i
True Story, having proved a com-
panion failure to A Sailor and his
Lass, as it couldn't be drawn with,
has been withdrawn,-A play by qy
Mr. Howell-Poole, called Through
the Furnace, and which, therefore,
should have plenty of fire in it, will TOOLE'S.-MARIE LINDEN a la SARA.
be presented at an Olympic matinle
next Wednesday.-Willie Edouin and Co." open the Novelty (probably
with a burlesque called The 7aps) on the 29th September. Rather an
ominous day for commencing a theatrical speculation I-Heaps and
heaps of the French theatres are closing their doors because of bad
business. It's all that "Inventions," of course I-A new piece, Lelia,
with Miss de Vane, of Sadler's Wells fame as leading lady is to appear
at the Olympic on the 3rd of August-and, best news this many a
day, Louisa Moore is coming back to the stage. NESTOR.
IF twelve beggars ask for alms, give it them. Meybe yew will be
cheated by eleven, but yew will befriend wun needy man,.-O. E. P.
JULY 22, 1885. FUN. 35
WHAT IT WILL END IN-SMOKE!
[We were surprised the other evening when visiting at a lady's house, the Prince of Wales being present, to see the young ladies smoking cigarettes. On making
inquiries, we were still more astonished to learn that it has become quite fashionable for ladies to indulge in fragrant tobacco after dinner. We wonder what we shall
hear of next in the fashionable world.-A Society Yournal.]
Horror of the British Matron on apprc
railway carriage-discovers it to be a
it may come to After Dinner the Gentlemen retire to I
Drawing-Room, while the Ladies remain.
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
IT must be nice to marry a prince," sighed Mrs. Blunderberry, as she
pensively dipped a strawberry into the mustard on the side' of her plate.
"Ugh!" grunted her lord and master. "What scion of a royal
house has been breeding discord in the home of the Blunderberrys ?
What blue-blooded descendant of an ancient dynasty has been tampering
with the guileless heart of my better half, and sapping the foundations
of my domestic felicity ? Speak, ma'am-speak; and let me learn the
Why, Solomon, you must know when I said a prince, I didn't mean
one prince. I meant any prince-all the princes."
And with unblushing effrontery the wife whom I have loved and
cherished for twenty years dares say this to me beneath my own roof-
tree, Go, woman-go I Go to your royal family, seek in the palaces
of monarchs that happiness which your Solomon can no longer give;
discard him who at the altar you swore to honour and obey, and take to
your faithless heart the entire Almanach de Gotha."
"Oh, Sol-Sol-Solomon, how can you say such dreadful things ?
I know you don't mean it. I'm sure one husband is all I want."
"Well, and you've got him, ma'am, haven't you? What pattern of
a husband do you want if this one is not good enough for you ? Like a
brand-new one in a walnut-wood case, with a double check action and
all the latest improvements? Think there's anything in Madame
Tussaud's chamber of horrors that would suit you? "
"No, dear, not while I've got you,",cried the good lady effusively,
and she smiled at him affectionately across the milk jug.
That's right. When you ask for Solomon Blunderberry, see that
you get him. Remark the signature on the label, without which none
is genuine. And now, madam, what other new and original remarks
have you to make on the subject of marriage ?"
"Why, Solomon, haven't you read all about the Princess Beatrice's
lovely presents ?"
"Ahem I Know all men by these presents that I, Beatrice, take you
Henry, to be my lawful husband, and--"
"Marriage is not a subject for joke, Solomon," interrupted Mrs.
"You're right, ma'am-right, as usual; and I congratulate you upon
discovering that I was joking. How sharp you are this morning I Why,
if you were only a little thinner and a little more crooked, you might
pass for a Turkish scimitar. No ; marriage is no joke."
"But ain't you glad of the match, dear ? "
"Bah I Think I'am a candle that wants lighting? Fancy your
husband is a cigar that's gone out ? Got an idea I only strike on my
own box? Why should I be glad of a match ?"
I'm sure if you're a loyal subject, Solomon, you would rejoice that
the Princess should be as happy as-as-as I am." And the good lady
You know all about a happy family, don't you ? You're the sort to
live in a cage with a cat and a dog and a canary bird. You're a dream
of joy and a vision of bliss-ain't you? What you don't know about
conjugal felicity isn't worth knowing. Why don't you ice your head
and pass yourself off for a wedding cake ?"
Anyhow, I hope he'll make her a good husband."
"How can he make her a good husband-eh, Mrs. B. ? He may
make her a good wife, as I've been trying for twenty years to make you,
but it's all labour thrown away."
"You're not a prince," answered Mrs. Blunderberry with some
"What do you mean by that, ma'am-eh ?"
I "My dear, this is the third morning this week you've missed your
omnibus, and I'm sure you can't afford so many cabs. You might if
you were royalty.
Mr. Blunderberry muttered something unpleasant between his teeth,
as he caught up his hat and hurried out of the front door; while his
wife, as usual, watched him from the window.
"Poor fellow!" she sighed; "it would be a good thing if all princes
were like him: the Radicals would have nothing to complain about
then." And she commenced hemming a pocket-handkerchief for her
departed lord's use.
A Wedding Warble I
(OR, A TRILL FOR THE TWENTY-THIRD).
THOUGH Mr. FUN is not (at present) Laureate of this land,
About the Royal wedding he feels bound to write a lay;
For Beatrice and Battenberg will soon join heart and hand,
Yea, within a few short hours will dawn the blissful Bridal day.
The handsome Henry then will take our fair Princess to wife,
So, surely FUN will be excused for venturing to say
He hopes that joy will be their lot throughout their wedded life.
He will join, too, in the prayer-
Heaven bless the happy pair I"
And he'll also help to swell the cry of Hip, hip, hip, hooray 1"
Well-beloved is our fair Beatrice, the last daughter of our Queen,
And ne'er has she been absent from her widowed mother's side;
Our Sovereign Lady's sorrow has she soothed with love serene,
And now that Royal Mother gives her darling for a bride.
A daughter so devoted will as Wife have no alloy,
Pure gold with no base metal is the heart of our Princess,
So when she's your's, 0 Henry, look you, cherish her, my boy-
For happy must you be
With such a bride as she.
Britain's love for her is deep and true-and mind your love's no ess,
And lo, the gay but loyal FUN, in all his Sunday best,
To the Isle of Wight, on Thursday morn, in joyousness will come;
He'll accept your invitation with a great amount of zest,
And present you with this grand and lofty epithalami-um /
And like the "heavy father at the finish of the play,
He'll say, "Bless you both, my children I" with a kind of parent's
And when the ceremony's o'er-and as ye ride away,
He'll throw cap and bells in air,
Crying, Bless the happy pair I"
And he'll shower shoes and rice upon the Bridegroom and the Bride I
-JUILY 22, 1885.
THE ROYAL WEDDING.I'OTHER GERMAN VICTORY.
- An .1
38 IJULY 22, 1885.
MR. EDITOR,-Sir, did it ever occur
To your highly intelligent mind,
That the news would appear, at this time of the year,
To be rather a bother to find ?
It may be so or not, but the notion I've got
On the subject is pretty well fixed ;
And what I have found-you will say, I'll be bound,
Has become just a little bit mixed.
There's a college in Wales (or there was) which, at tales
That the School Board could teach without fee,
So blazed up with ire that it quickly caught fire,
And it got as burned out as could be.
At Holloway bright, they'd commenced a prize-fight
(They had got half way through it in fact),
When the collarer, plain (which is dreadful in Spain I)
Came and collared them all in the act 1
Then the Marquis of Lorne to St. Pancras had gone
For to talk about flow'rs (which was nice),
Which, along with some fruit, seeking Chiswick repute,
Got crushed up with some vessels in ice I
While it seems, as is meet, that the old Sackville Street,
Won't relinquish its name in the least;
For marauders will still "sack" full many a ville,"
Though the Mahdi once more is deceased.
Though farm-labourers starve, having nothing to carve,
Equal interest seems to attach
To the 'Cultural Show, held at Preston, you know-
Between Eating and Harrow a match.
And the match that they play, sends the people, they say,
Crowding onward to Lord's for a trip ;
Where they strive (best of jokes) with the Wimbledon folks
For the Lawn-Tennis Championship.
And to give an affair what you'd call a grand air,
They have spread themselves out in a camp,
Where the tents that arise have their pegs and their guys,
And their trenches to save them from damp;
And there we may find at a suitable kind
Of a target they shoot (as is said) ;
So at present no more from that very small bore
Who is yours as you will,
SOME sages say that every precious stone
Like flowers, has a language of its own,
And tells of love, fidelity, and such.
Between ourselves, I do not heed them much;'
I only know that when my true love speaks,
And blushes mantle o'er her dimpled cheeks,
I clasp her to my heart and say, My own I"
A fig for gems-ers is the precious (s)tone !
The Complete Angler.
WHEN the sage, whoever it was, levelled at the piscatorial art his
well-known sarcasm about its being a worm at one end and a fool at
the other," it was really a less ill-natured remark than it has hitherto
appeared. The philosopher's intent was to record his belief in the
suitability of the pastime to all classes-viz,, to both gentle and simple.
THE SOAP FOR LORD ROTHSCHILD.-Peer's soap.
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
A FRENCH COMIC ARTIST.
[A Paris comic paper has lately published a cartoon of General Wolseley paying
somebody or other for the murder of Olivier Pain. The corpse of the latter is stretched
on the ground with a knife in it, or something of that kind. There is blood about, if
we recollect rightly, and other droll things. On the whole, the picture is conceived
in the true spirit of light humour, and makes you die o' laughing.]
EDITOR OF FRENCH COMIC PAPER. Sacril We must have a car-
toon in this week that will really tell-truly may say to the intelligent,
" This is indeed comic art I" For the Beautiful France, is she not the
home of mirth-of the only comic art ? In the other lands, is it not an
unknown thing this dear little humour, death of my life ? The France,
is she not at the head of the civilization, by example.
FRENCH COMIC ARTIST. Hold now. You are right. We will be
what the Frenchman alone can be; we will be humorous. What shall
the cartoon contain, say then ? As to me, I thought in my little brain
that the cartoon should contain blood-the blood is a thing of the most
ED. OF F. C. P. Perfectly; we are of accord. There should be
blood and a corpse; for what is there of more humour than a corpse,
let us see ? We will have a corpse in our cartoon-a corpse with a gash.
But the humour of a gash, is it not supreme ?
FR. C. A. Truly. Then there is indecency. Shall it say itself that
a French comic artist left out the dear little indecency ? Never I That
the Heaven forbid a such sacrilege I Yes, it needs of the indecency-
of something more startling than anything before. Something of flaying.
We will have much indecency. Live the Beautiful France, she is the
sole home and mother of the fine humour I
ED. OF F. C. P. It is good I Then what next? Ah I We had for-
gotten the blasphemy. Life the blasphemy; it will add a great zest to
our cartoon, let us see; for the blasphemy is also of the things the
most humorous. Then there is venom, and bad taste-yes, we must
have the bad taste. To the good hour I We have planned our cartoon,
we are already immortal. Then the libretto-it must crush-it must
flay-it must drive the victim to the suicide. For the suicide is also the
true humour, is it not ?
FR. C. A. But it goes without to say, by example. And now, at
whom to aim the great cartoon ?
ED. OF F. C. P. Blue death I Death of my life I To what exists
the comic art of the Beautiful France, if not to attack the Germans and
the English. Without the Germans or the English there is not of French
comic art. Let us see then: we will represent the English and the
Germans as murderers. Byblue, they shall be corpses also ; and under-
neath we will write of them obscene things, and things of the most
blasphemous byblue I The humour of the Beautiful France is light-it
sparkles; it is subtle; it is the true humour, by example I
[A provincial paper says:-" It would seem as if the Tories have completed another
of those somersaults in which they have lately proved such adepts."]
STRANGE notion Tory somersaults I"-
When one considers all the faults
Of each Conservative high-stepper.
'Twould seem that when November's here,
And Tories have to disappear,
That in the next election race
Their summer-salts may yet give place
To what they'll think is "winter pepper! "
A Wind-(Oh l)-pain-ful Idea.
THE Spectator believes that the Conservatives will fail to take the
wind out of the sails of the Liberals." Probably because the Tories lack
the necessary sail-lent features with which to as-sail their opponents.
[THE sensitive political morality of a British newspaper Editor is only equalled by his brotherly anxiety for the welfare of the editors of other papers. If you have
read his editorial remarks for the last week or two touching, say, the change of Ministry, you will be convinced of the above.]
HVATE FRI VAL
This is the bitter grief of the Editor and Sub-Editor of the Slapper on becoming aware that the Hated Rival had gone and published a political fib which had been
found out-say a misrepresentation of the Budget figures, and right down put his foot in it. It was subsequently beautifully expressedin a leader of two columns.
This is the loudly-revealed misery of the counter-boy of Slaffer, when one or
the hitherto regular subscribers of the HatedRival forsook it for its indiscretion,
and brought his penny over to the Slafier.
This is the same Editor penning-oh, how bitterly against his will I with what
overwhelming reluctance, only overcome by the voice of public duty!-these
words -" It has now become the obvious duty of the public to Boycott the
ribald and poisonous Hated Rival, and to sow its Editor with salt."
And this s the heartfelt rejoicing of the Editor and Sub-Ditto of the Slasjer on hearing that the verdict of their countrymen had unanimously acquitted the Hatea
Rival of a felonious intent, and set it on its feet again.
KISS AND TELL.
WON'T YOU GIVE ME A KISS, Miss EFFIE?"
OH, NO I I'M AN OLD MARRIED WOMAN-AT LEAST, THAT IS WHAT
MAMMA ALWAYS SAYS WHEN GENTLEMEN ASK HER; BUT SHE LETS
THEM, ALL THE SAME."
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-Doesn't it prove what I've said over and over again? They
scratch horses just to annoy me and make me look a fool-I know they
do, only they can't do it. Just look at the Cumberland Plate. It's as
plain as possible-I give my selection, and, in order to give myself a
good chance for once against my unscrupulous enemies, I couple two
horses for first. Well, what happens ? Both of them promptly scratched,
of course. But go further into it; how often, I should like to know,
have I given Blue Grass to win some race or other, only to find "the
pen run through his name" ? And just because on this occasion I would
have nothing to do with him for fear of the usual tactics, he is allowed to
run and win / Thus triumphantly proving the correctness of my estimate
of his powers on several occasions. Hooray I Who sent you absolute
first ever so often-if he hadn't been scratched ? But I haven't done
with that tip yet. As long as it was plain-spoken they managed to evade
it, but part of it was allegorical, and they couldn't manage that. See
what I say:
"The Castle, near hand,
The Cathedral close."
"The Castle ("near hand to the winner, of course) being a delicate
allusion to Irish Government, thus suggesting Londonderry, with the
Cathedral (that is Fairminster) close,"- otherwise third. There I could
anything be plainer ? Except my
TIP FOR THE LEICESTERSHIRE CUP.
WE'RE having a Wild Thyme, now, my boys
(And we know how the wild thyme grows)
But none of you'd willingly vow, my boys,
That it's likely to last, I s'pose?
Another King Monmouth" has come, my boys,
A Cecil our plans to best,"
But Autumn Elections for some, my boys,
Will set all these matters to rest.
The Royal Wedding.-Another German
RING out, ring out, ye wedding bells,
Ring out and make the welkin sound,
To spread the festive news around
O'er hills and plains and dales and dells.
Ring out to tell how Princess B.,
Her Royal Mother's joy and pride,
At length emergeth as a bride,
And endeth her celibacy.
Ring out with lusty voice, that they-
A paltry few-who'd scoff or gird
May feel abashed, and not be heard
If grumbling at the bill to pay.
Ring out I! It is the proper thing
To do, they say, in such a case :
Indeed, what wedding could take place
At all if there were not a ring ?
Ring out, ye bells, a merry chime,
And blessings on their frosty pows-
Beg pardon-on their youthful brows,
And may they have a high old time I
The Hand I Love.
I SET my starving soul upon that hand-
I hunger'd for it, as a prisoner
For freedom Only one who sighs for her
Who holds his heart, my love can understand.
In his sight fairer than angelic band-
Truer than maxim of philosopher-
Eyes that are Heaven-lips of song that stir
The soul, and conquer hearts through all the land.
Love is all sacrifice-and there are none
Who love, but who will give. And as the stork
For those it loves will bleed, so have I done
In pocket-for a butterman at Cork.
He sent me what I wanted. I have won
The hand I love I 'tis mine I-A HAND OF PORK !
They hold us a Prism aloft, my boys,
That their plans some bright colours may show,
But some of us aren't so soft, my boys,
And some of us know what we know.
There's an Emperor out in the East, my boys,
They tell us they mean to outwit,
But I don't think they will in the least, my boys,
I don't think they'll do it a bit.
You may put on your Barnacles, too, my boys,
A sharp Necromancer employ,
But do whatever they do, my boys,"
I don't think they re destined for joy.
The Eastern Emperor may, my boys,
To Prism obligingly yield.
But remember, whatever they say, my boys,
A Richmond is found in the field.
You might take Wild Thyme or Necromancer for the Portland Plate
if you wanted to, though.
There was something about the usual programme at the last summer
meeting of the L.A.C., but the entries were not grand, and the company
was that small the Old Man felt quite lonely. M. J. Jackson took the
Ioo Yards Handicap like a lamb, and J. A. P. Clarke took the One
Mile prettily enough, though there wasn't much to touch him. A. G.
Le Maitre did about the most interesting thing of the afternoon in his
work with the 600o Yards. You may crack up the fathers of athletics if
you like, but I prophecy we shall yet be proud of the Mater. J. H.
Jullie took the Four Mile very creditably, but Harrison's win of the
Mile Steeplechase was nothing but a "little holiday" for him-not at
all a Harrison affair. Mrs. Mason served out the cups and things at the
finish. Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
ANOTHER ice company is spoken of. There ought not surely to be
much difficulty in floating ice.
LY 22, 885.
JULY 22, 1885.
A MISDIRECTED SEARCH.
HE. did make such droll-such extraordinary mistakes, poor fellow;
but it was all his innocence, you know.
He was in search of gentlemen. He was anxious for the company of
gentlemen-ready to make any sacrifice to obtain it, and this is how it
happened that he came to our office and begged for an introduction to
all the French Ambassadors and admirals we knew.
Lor' bless us we exclaimed, "it is a most extraordinary request.
We were certainly under the impression that nobody with any self-
respect would, of his own free will, and without absolute necessity for
such a thing, seek the companionship of French Ambas- But still, if
you greatly desire it, here is a letter of introduction to all of them, for we
are ashamed to confess that the whole bevy of them are personally known
He took the letter of introduction joyfully, and left full of hope.
Next day he was back again.
Well, nice dirty trick you've played me, Mr. FUN," he exclaimed,
in great wrath. "I thought I told you that I was in search of the
company of gentlemen I "
"My dear sir, you did, and that was what caused our great surprise
when you coupled the information with a request for a letter of intro-
duction to some French Ambassadors and admirals. Still, of course, we
could not do less than--"
"Good heavens I why didn't you tell me?" he cried. "Did you
suppose I wanted to seek gentlemen among those who obtrusively-
insult the sorrow of those who are in mourning for- Hang it I Mr.
FUN. Now where shall I find the society of gentlemen ? Some people
say that man half-developed-man before he is spoiled by Nature's
finishing touches and civilization-has the elements of the true gentle-
man. Do you happen to be on visiting terms with-say the baboons of
"Certainly. It is our business to know everybody. Would you like
a letter of introduction ? "
Again he went joyfully away; again he came back in the depths of
It is too bad I" he whimpered. Do you call those African baboons
gentlem- ? "
My dear sir, do be reasonable," we said. It was your own notion
"Ah, well; so it was, of course. But I assure you'their behaviour
was something to-something which-good heavens I"
We sincerely felt for his disappointment, we did indeed. Our very
dear sir," we said, solemnly and parentally, "now do let us give you a
word of counsel. You really go quite in the wrong direction in your
search for the society of gentlemen. If you will take our word, Mr.-a
Mr. Hugh," put in our visitor.
Our eyes were opened in an instant. That name I ".Mr. Hugh "-
why, surely-We gave a glance at our newspaper, at the paragraph
headed, "Another Scene at St. Luke's Vestry;" and there it was in
black and white:-" Mr. Hugh, on order being restored, said, 'I thought,
when I joined the Vestry, that I was coming among gentlemen.'"
We felt really hopeless for him; the man who could think that would
be guilty of any absurdity.
Really, Mr. Hugh," we said, "we should like to assist you; but
your ideas of the sort of place to find gentlemen are so hopelessly-so
"Oh, do help me to find them I" he pleaded, tearfully; I do so
yearn for their society. I do so recoil from the company of persons who
"Who compare other persons to 'Billingsgate pugilists,' eh?"
"Yes-exactly I-a-that is-no, not quite that-not exactly."
A Star-tling Statement.
SAITH The Morning Post, "The Conservative star
Remaineth now in the ascendant."
And it seems to think nothing our nation can mar,
While on Tories we are dependent,
But we fancy, if sense they do not regard,
They may probably find themselves ill-starred.
An "Ancient" Grievance.
MR. LABOUCHERE is of opinion that Sir Michael Hicks-Beach was
cast by his brother Conservatives for the part of lago in the recent plot
to overthrow the Liberal Government. The Conservatives, not caring
to hear Sir M. thus compared to Othello's Ancient, will probably say,
"Yah 1-go along, do I"
A HOME Secretary should possess an evenly balanced temper, and
yet the present holder of the office is always Cross.
THE truculent communistic agitators in France unquestionably sorrow
that Olivier Pain died a natural death in the Soudan. The artful, but
at the same time childish, assertion
they published, insisting that Olivier
had been basely assassinated at the
Sinstigation of the British Govern-
ment, immediately brought offers of
subscriptions from Gallic idiots-
subscriptions to form the nucleus of
a fund for prosecuting the British
army, and wiping the British empire
t' off the face of the globe. By re-
spectable sane Frenchmen and
Frenchwomen the departure of
ji Olivier Pain from this planet is not
deeply regretted. The Lanterne
reading, absinthe drinking little
Boulevardier, a "hanger on" in the
Quarter Breda, was popular with
some of the scum not so clever as
himself; and, now and again, when
he took a back seat in the Hall of
Science, where sponging parasites
congregate, smoke rank cigarettes,
and talk ranker treason, he some-
times raised applause by his vicious remarks. But Olivier Pain lived to
the detriment of decent folk in general, and to the injury of the honour-
able portion of the French working class in particular. Working men
who largely help to support professional agitators would do well to keep
their earnings to themselves, whether their pet agitators be Frenchmen,
Irishmen, or Englishmen.
SACRED music can now be heard every Sunday evening on Eastbourne
Pier, in spite of the savage opposition made to it by certain hard-shelled
Sabbatarians. Listening on the Sabbath to well-played selections from
"Moses in Egypt," and similar good holy compositions, ought not to
corrupt the morals of Christians much; but the defeated hard-shelled
Sabbatarians of Eastbourne think otherwise. The private characters of
all these opponents to rational enjoyment are warranted (by themselves)
to bear the strictest investigation, and closest inspection all through the
MEM. to juvenile mashers.-It is rude at this time of year to put ice-
tongs in your pockets unless you are certain they are silver. A West-end
restaurant proprietor says so, and he ought to know.
AFTER Blosscroft's last whitebait dinner at Greenwich, he managed
to get back to London pretty successfully, though he is a stout red-faced
man. Having landed at Charing Cross pier, Blosscroft ambled into a
very select cigar divan, and asked for a sixpenny weed. "Just wait till
I ignites the cigar-lighting apparatus," said the fascinating damsel be-
hind the counter. She turned on the gas, and rushed round about to
find a wax-light. Unexpectedly Blosscrott sneezed and blew up the
whole establishment. At least, this is the story Blosscroft told his wife
on arriving home at I a.m., with a bandage round his head. Blosscroft
says she quite believes it too.
Two fashionable beauties met accidently at a table d'h6ti the other
evening. Strange to say their dresses were exactly alike. Of course
neither could eat any dinner because of the shock caused by the unfor-
tunate circumstance. Every day we anxiously look for the sensational
headline "Mysterious murder of a West-end dressmaker."
A POTMAN has been fined forty-one shillings, including costs, for
biting off some puppies' tails. Removing puppies' tails with the teeth
is fraught with danger to the human. Some time ago a dog dealer and
stealer, died suddenly. The doctor who made the post mortem examina-
tion said that the deceased had entirely destroyed the coats of his
stomach by biting off puppies' tails. It transpired during the inquest
that the departed Johnnie was in the habit of biting off a good many
tails every day, just to oblige clients. Scorning to take filthy lucre for
such an artistic performance, like a born gentleman, he gave away his
services in tail-snipping for the mere nominal fee of half a pint of rum
ACCORDING to the opinion of the leading physicians of Paris, cholera
cannot be caught by contagion any more than delirium tremens, a
broken nose, or toothache. Notwithstanding this announcement, most
impractical folk would prefer the company of a Coupeau in the worst
stages of broken-nosed jim-jams, combined with toothache, to the
society of a cholera patient.
g@ To CORRESPONDnNTs.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamnfed and directed envelope.
42 ,i'TiJN. ,JULY 22, 885.
// L/ L. j._?//) ,r / -- "\ -- ,
WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
Fishy Sanitary Inspector.-"UGHI REALLY, MA'AM, I SHOULD IMAGINE, FROM
THE SMELL OF THIS WATER, THAT IT CONTAINS LIVING ANIMALCULiE OF A HIGHLY
Householder-"' LOR', SIR, DON'T FRET YOURSELF; THEY WOULDN'T LIVE FOR
CHOICE IN THAT THERE WATER."
BARLEY-WATER is, we read, the drink en regle at the Carlton Club. We should imagine
that some of the members make rye faces as they drink it.
IF YOU WISH TO BE WELL AND KEEP WELL, TAKE
Wards off the attacks of CHOLERA Typhoid, and allMalignant
ver. Speedily cures Acidity. Flatulence, Heartburn. Impure
Breath. Indiestion. &c. It destroys all disease genms, and from its
purifying action imabsorbing all impurities la the stomach and bowels,
gives a healthy tone to the whole system.
CAUTION N.-If I
Cocoa thickens in the A N j
addition of Starch. oV coV
GUARANTEED PURE AND SOLUBLE.
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
FRIDAY, July '10.-Duke of Argyll does his best
to give his peers the jumps. Delivers a lengthy
lamentation on everything in general. Nineteenth
Century perhaps pressed for space, so Lords have
to endure it. Rosebery aptly compares Lord of
the Isles to Cassandra; indeed, the Duke's speech
well summed up in
Lend me ten thousand eyes,
And I will fill them with prophetic tears.
Lords, however, think it quite sufficient to lend
their ears, like the Romans to Marc Antony, and
the ducal discourse on the political situation leads
to nothing but academic discussion, and the sub-
ject is drowned in chorus of "Bless" (or some-
thing else) the Duke of Argyll."
Commons.-On motion of Mr. S. Smith, House
seriously considers prevailing overcrowding and
destitution in cities, and deliberates on best means
of catching young Lazarus, cleansing and educating
him, and making him a good citizen or colonist in-
stead of letting him grovel at the gates. Smith's
story by no means mythical.
Monday.-Lord Spencer, having won respect
and honour from all impartial men as Irish Lord
Lieutenant, seeks more by appearing in the rdle of
a Tramway conductor, and conducts the Irish
Tramways Bill to a Committee of the whole House.
Lord Bramwell stands up forpoor persecuted Water
Companies who desire to be represented by counsel
on the new Waterworks Bill Commission-Cham-
pion of the Turncocks opposed with might and main.
Consoles himself by exclaiming "Water shame !"
Commons.-" Come one, come all, this rock
shall fly From its firm base more soon than I."-
Irish quotation from Scott. Whether Liberals or
Conservatives in Office, Parnell and Co. determine
to keep in opposition below the gangway, conse-
quently a swarm of Liberal M.P.s in much same
position as Bradlaugh, with the exception that they
do swear. Amiable Plunkett, when appealed to,
says matters shall be seen to, and hints there's
plenty of room on his side. Mr. Callan- desires to
know the nature of communication between Go-
vernment and Papal Court, via Mr. Errington,
relative to Dublin Archiepiscopal See. Answer :
Present Government hasn't had time or inclination
to see them. Army Estimates-Rylands wants
Government enquiry into disasters in Soudan.
Lawson also on the rampage. Lots of men
in the House who would delight in pillorying
English officers, even if culprits' only fault braving
death for duty. Cameron criticises Commissariat
and Transport. Surveyor-General of Ordnance,
gentlemanly Guy Dawnay, comes to rescue of De-
partment, and mirabile dictu I Present Surveyor-
General of Ordnance defends and compliments
past. If all ministers were alike I Etcore l'affaire
Hobart Pasha. Great problem-Can a man be an
officer in two fleets, and can an English Govern-
ment expect a Turkish Pasha to o-Bey them ?
Tuesday.-Ruffled brook in Lords. North-
brook murmurs because Hicks Beach has hinted
he knows no more of figures than figure-heads.
Commons.-Stanhope proposes Education Vote.
Wednesday.-Randy reports Heratic Russian
Thursday.-Irish Tram Bill trammelled inLords.
London: Printed by Dalziel BrLthers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 22nd, z885.
Je It U16
4 n th e W. 0 rjtCVL,_
JULY 29 1885FUN
zO 46 W-bTe( 9 t~~u ra 0
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44 FU N JULY 29, 188s.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
tHE HAYMARKEt.-'tis many
a long day sifice I wds under
this historic rbof-at any rate,
"- in the *ay of business." The
management hating, aftek seve-
ral tries, succeeded in conveying
M \RTunE/ to my sluggish intelligence that
ROER s 0N' my presence (in an official
l \\ capacity, at least) was not
9 ardentlyyearned for, and nothing
-\--- they have done for some years
Smeriting the alternative, my
-f Editor is always urging upon
me-i.e., to go as an ordinary
O member of the public and pay,
to do. I have been content to
pocket the snub, and eschew the
^ company of which I scorned,
unwelcome, to be one. But when
THE HAYMARKET.-'TIS NOT Adieu, BUT a performance as a "farewell"
Au revoir! one is to the fore,it behoves that,
for my readers' sake, I put my
pride in my pocket (with that snub), pay nearly double the price of a good
pit seat, and ensconce myself in the consequent inferior gallery one.
MR. AND MRS. BANCROFT appear to have harboured some doubt (not
shared by me) of the public being attracted by the prospect of a mere
unembellished "good-bye" from them ; therefore had all the principal
lights of the dramatic profession been called in to assist them, and,
readily responding (which is, in itself, a feather in the Bancroft cap),
made a brilliant show, the widely-advertised attraction, the presence of
the Prince and Princess of Wales, being duly forthcoming. Ah, me!
but twenty years is something of a time to look back upon, and one were
something less than human if softened feelings came not with the act.
Those happy times in Tottenham Street I When youth was here and
hopes were high, if pockets somewhat light. That April night, when
bright-eyed, nimble-limbed Alessio first burst upon our sight in managerial
glory I That other night when, breathless with delight, we followed the
adventures of piquant Maude Hetherington; of Daryl, the "pipe
man; of the vulgar but excruciating Chodd, and, above all, the incom-
parable Ptarmigan. How we revelled in that Owl's Roost. And the
boys" that sat beside us in the little pit. Where be their quips and
quaint conceits and hearty laughter now ? Alas I one has married a wife,
another is dead, and some are "worse than dead-estranged."
Bur-heads up and shoulders squate I-where are we drifting to?
All this because two folks to whom we owe some goodly times are
taking half-farewell of us I The world has something in it yet, and
good fellowship is no less ready than of old. Mr. Bancroft is not, and
never was, an actor whose place could not be filled, but he has done
much good service to unconventionalise the stage, and he cannot go
without leaving something of regret behind. With Mrs. Bancroft it is
different; she has a distinct and piquant individuality and aptitude ;
and now the time-I hope it is not ungallant to say-has come, or
almost come, when she might give us Mrs. Malaprop, the Nurse, and
kindred characters3 it seems a pity she should leave us all unsatisfied.
There may be hope yet, however-it is not yet adieu, but only au revoir.
HER MAJESTY's.-IThis theatre having settled down for the nonce
into a ballet
A Villa to be /
Sold. It is
in the comic
vein, and, as
of ours would
at one time
incidents of a THE CoMDYsnv (Morning-) -" BoTLINGo WAR-TAR I
plant of in-
terested parties to disgust an obnoxious purchaser with his bargain are
on the familiar lines of such pieces, but the performers are exceedingly
expert in the quick changes involved, and have a good sense of flimour
in most instances. Signorina L. Rossi and Signor Enrico Cecchetti are
the leaders of the revels, and their dancing is unflagging in spirit, and
full of quaint skill and deft unexpectednesses (if you will allow me).
Signor Smeraldi is a capital dancing low-comedian, and very comical;
and a dance of Pierkot's gained a well-rierited encore. Excelsior, which
begins half-an-hour later, continues the main attraction.
THE LYCEUM.-A comprehensive performance, in aid of the Actors'
Benevolent Fund, of the scrappy kind found convenient on such
occasions, was gone through here last week, with the regularity and
completeness characteristic of the house. Selections from The M agistrate,
Patience, Loose Tiles, and lMuch Ado about Nothing, with the Kendals
in Uncle's Will, Sarah Bernhardt in the sleep-walking scene from
Macbeth, and Mr. Toole Tryinga Magistrate served to introduce most
of the principal London actors and managers, and draw to the amount
of something like 600. Finis corona opus.
THE COMEDY.-The Boiling Water which Mr. Julian Cross (a
capable comedian) poured out at a Comedy matinle, on the 22nd,
proved (as water, boiled or otherwise, is apt to do) to have no strength
to speak of. True, the actors, ever and anon, transformed this Boiling
Water into something like Hot Grog, by the amount of spirit they put
into it. But, to drop metaphor, the piece is not likely, in its present
state, to commend itself to the critical playgoer of to-day. Just here
and there Mr. Cross gave us an ingenious mix, or a clever situation, but
the real cause of the complication was told too early in the play, and
thus all chance of really interesting the audience was forfeited. Apart
from this, the dialogue, although it had an occasional smart line, con-
sisted chiefly of far-fetched jokes upon names, and other conventional
forms of humorous phraseology. Hence it happened that most of the
loud laughter that Boiling Water evoked, was owing to its pantomimic
rallies, which were numerous. To me it is a riddle that an actor of
such experience did not construct his piece better; but I hope that at
my saying this, the author will not be a A-Cross(s)tic(k).
ONE, nay, two, things I am able to say in Mr. Cross's favour. The
first is that he had provided a capital cast, consisting of such able people
as Messrs. C. Groves, F. W. Irish, E. D. Ward, and Percy Compton;
and Mesdames M. A. Victor, Minnie Bell, Dolores Drummond, and
Miss Tilbury. The second is that Mr. Cross contented himself with a
comparatively small part, which kind of self-denial is rare among actor-
authors, I can tell you.
NODS AND WINKS.-M. Mayer announces his intention of reopening
the Royalty in October with French plays; nothing could be Mayer, could
it ? (ha I ha I ye French scholars, that will make ye sit up and scream I)-
To-morrow (Thursday) the Lyceum closes its doors until the 5th of Sep-
tember. Olivia, for Miss Ellen Terry's benefit, will be the programme.
AhI dainty Miss Primrose, the people will flock,
When they know it, and give you abundance of calls,"
There'll be cheers in the pit, while the galleries rock,
And bouquets and glove-tapping from prim-rows of stalls;
For a month we shall miss you, and ask your return,
For a month you will calmly be deaf to our call,
But sorrow's dark veil will disperse as we yearn,
For you'll lift up the veil and come back in' the fall.-
Mr. Hollingshead will re-open the Gaiety, after a short pause at
the end of the French season, with comedy-burlesque, Mr. Lytton
Southern, Miss Laura Linden, Mr. Arthur Roberts, anid some other
people, Miss Gerard among them, some folks say. All I can say
is, "more power to his elbow," may he issue no more silly "mani-
festoes," give no more outrageous salaries, and stick to one cheese-
monger's shop at a time, then he'll give himself a chance, and as
likely as not sail well before the wind with never a need to raise it.-
That was a curious mis-print in The Bat last week, which gave the
part of Beamish (whichever that may be) in Boucicault's Arrah-na-
Pogue, at the Adelphi, to McCaul (whoever that may be), that of Arrah
to Glenny, and Fanny Power to Miss Kate Rorke I The misplacement
of a comma started it, and then the semi-colons got confused, with the
result indicated, except that they are not responsible for the appear-
ance of Miss Mary Rorke as Kate.-Mr. Augustin Daly and Co. are
coming back again in April, probably to the Strand Theatre, under the
wing of Mr. Terriss, as before; such wonderful comedians as Mrs.
Gilbert and Mr. Lewis, and such a clever actress, in spite of defects, as
Miss Rehan are sure of welcome, but I can't say so much for their plays
if they are according to sample last submitted.-Mr. William Creswiek,
a tragedian who hath in his time not only played many parts, but hath
done the stage great service, is to have a farewell benefit shortly. A
special meeting of the Committee (the hon. sec. of which is Mr.
Harrington Baily), which consists of every actor, author, and manager
of note, to say nothing of peers of the realm, will be held on the Drury
Lane stage to-morrow (Thursday) afternoon at 2.30. FUN means to
try to attend in honour of this sound old actor. NESTOR.
JULY 29, 1885. iU N 4
THE Scene is the River, the Time is the
The Summer, when stream and land seem'
at their best,
When the ripples roll by with a music that's
A lullaby, singing "Pa Thames into rest,
Dramatis Personaw :-Two characters only-
A maiden and swain who have :come here
But, lo I in this bend of the river so lonely,
'Twill maybe fall out as young Cupid could
'Tis a capital "swim," yet our swain seems not
To tempt the big barbel that hereabouts lurk,
He waits-so his chance of success is but
But [meanwhile young Cupid neglects not
Our hero but notes the bright eyes of the
And also her delicate, dainty-gloved hand.
But 'cute Angler Cupid, with artfulness laden,
Contrives, in the interim, two hearts to
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
FRIDAY.-Lord Cowper, like a vigilant butler, calls John Bull's atten-
tion to the condition of his forts. Lord Harrowby states that Govern-
ment mean to encourage those volunteer naval salts who are burning to
defend old England from foreign naval assaults.
Commons.-Parnellite spite follows late Government even into Oppo-
sition, Irish National Party makes motion for inquiry into Maamtrasma
and other horrors-cover for unjust attack on Lord Spencer. Sir
Michael and friends, while drawing the line at granting inquiry, concede
real object of Irish attack by condemning Irish policy of their opponents.
Randy roasts Sir Harcourt, or rather makes him boil. Exultation of
Nationalists. The Irreconcileable reconciled. Cerberus very grateful
for sop; only-mind your hands I
Monday.-Lord Stanley alleges that Radical figures, as given in
Financial Reform Almanac, radically wrong. Bill for Housing of the
Working Classes goes through Committee under special care of Marquess
of Salisbury. FUN takes off his cap and bells to you, my lord. Much
better to house than to workhouse the labouring poor. Decent homes
make decent people.
Commons.-Elementary Education Bill proposes to encroach on
Brook Green as Board School site. Inhabitants of Brook Green not so
green as to let the site spoil their view, so brook the injury through
Mr. O'Connor. Questions and answers in demand. Civil Service Esti-
mates in Supply.
Ah, Beauty and Youth I give ye thanks for
this gay time,
Enjoy it ere Age and grim Care come along;
Your life's now as bright as a little child's
And joys in abundance around you now
You'll find that all life isn't bright summer
Life changes, alas, as the clouds do above;
But still ye will bravely face trouble together,
So long as you're armed with the mail of
Pure Love I
Tuesday.-Miracles not yet out of date. Bill passed into Committee
in Lords practically for nationalisation of land in Ireland, and in Com-
mons Conservatives advocate measure bestowing Franchise on recipients
of parochial medical relief.
Wednesday.-Commons.-In supply, vote 6o for salaries of ob-
servers of Transit of Venus. Why not take the grille from Ladies'
Gallery, and let members observe it themselves?
Thursday.-Third reading in Lords of Bill to extend city of Worcester.
Lord Limerick considers it Worcester sauce. Commons convey thanks
to Captain Gossett for half a century's faithful service. Vty pretty
when, after Hicks-Beach and Harcourt, Parnell rises, and, in effect,
exclaims with regard to motion-
Though often chucked by Captain Gossett
My party heartily endoss it.
All that's wanted is panegyric from Bradlaugh.
APPROPRIATE TOILETTE FOR GOODWOOD.-A Blue "Gown," a
sporting neighbour "Hood," a Spring Handi-" cap," a "Tip-it," a
deat-heat "tie," and a horse-" collar."
IN VINO VERITAS.-Ot course the very tas may be in the vis,"
but, as a rule, it is the vino that is in the very tasse."
46 FU N JULY 29, x885.
"HE WHO STEALS MY TIME STEALS MY PURSE."
Americanuts.-" WE TAKE OUR DRINKS STANDING, AND WE TAKE 'EM
SLICK AND RIGHT-AWAY. I GUESS WE DO NOT LOI-TER AS YOU DEW
IN THIS DARNED SLOW, OLD PICKLED-OUT, SKELETON OF A COUNTRY."
Britannicus.-" OH, YOU DO-DO YOU ? WELL, IT SHOWS YOU AIN'T
ON FOR LOUNGING ANYHOW. BUT I DON'T SEE WHY YOU NEED HURRY
UP SO MUCH ; YOU MIGHT ENJOY YOUR DRINK A BIT."
Americanus.-" I GUESS, STRA-ANGER, WE ARE A BUSY PEOPLE, AND
WE DEW GET THROUGH ONE DRINK SMART-LIKE, SO AS TEW BE READY
FOR ANOTHER, SURE-LY."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES A-GOODWOODING.
WHEN I went to Ascot, Sir, and, in spite of your warning, backed all,
the wrong horses (except one brute with a mouth so hard that it could
not be "backed" by anybody); you remarked, as you may,
perhaps, remember, that you were sure no Good-would" follow my
Well, Sir, what I want to point out with all deference-for "deaf"-
erence does not necessarily imply dumb-erence also-is that "Good-
wood has followed in due time, and as a matter of course-that is to
say, of -race-course.
Yes, Sir, Goodwood" is again the cry; and, as a natural conse-
quence, I see the merchants have reduced their coals 2s. a chaldron in
There are many ways of getting to the Duke of Richmond's lovely
park. Some people stay in the Isle of Wight, and sail over from
Cowes. This Cowes route I call the milky way. A few choice spirits,
like myself, get a lift on one of Mr. J. P. Knight's thoughtfully pro-
vided water-carts. That may be termed the watery way I
One young athlete I know always runs down by train.
Most of my sprinting" friends, however, prefer to "train" and not
run down. Proprietors of race-courses arrange, as often as possible, for
I have secured a bed at a cottage in the neighbourhood. When I
tell you it is a parsley bed I have secured, you will, perhaps, laugh
at my folly. But I have a method in my madness.
You see, I shall now be able to say to my friends, Come and see
my 'diggings.'" And then I shall show them how I make my "bed"
every night with a spade.
I shall be on the spot all the week, Sir, but I do not propose to wire
you a series of "Latest news from the Course." No, Sir I let other
racing reporters obtain their intelligence from the coarse. I shall seek
to get mine from the refined.
This reminds me of my quip, that the most re-fining man in a city
is its stipendiary magistrate I
I have overheard several good tips for the Cup," but the danger is
that even one good tip would probably upset that Cup altogether.
But this morning a tip" was, so to speak, obtruded upon me so that I
could not fail to notice it. It was Archer's tip, too-the tip of his tongue 1
But my advice to young sportsmen is, "Don't take any tips at all."
Let them be warned by the fate of poor Harry W-. Two years ago
this very G6odwood he took the tip of a billiard cue, and within three
days he was in gaol I
I have just had lunch with the man who won the Goodwood Cup last
year. He has also won half a dozen plates," and he assured me, in
confidence that if he could now only win a Goodwood saucer," he
would die happy. I think this anxiety of his to complete his tea-set a
very commendable "tea-trait" in his character, don't you?
Goodwood, as you know, marks the close of the London season. It
is the last meeting, in fact, for which "London season" tickets are
available. This will be the best race-gathering ever known, I think.
"Good-wood" can't be too well "seasoned," you see, especially when
it has to be used for racing "fixtures."
A Curious Comparison.
(AN E'sY EFFUSION,)
[A writer in the Norwegian Dagsblad says :-" I hope I shall not be
accused of a want of reverence if I compare Lord Randolph to Sarah
Bernhardt Like her he can be violent, energetic, flighty. Like
her, it is impossible for him to say what he will do under given but un.
co-mo- circumstances. Both are the children of passion and of
'TIs strange one should such likeness see
'Twixt Lord R. C. and Sarah B.
'Tis true that he, and also she,
Are of a temperament that's free.
But Sarah B., as you'll agree,
Has much more genius than he;
But, look you, he is an M.P.
And that, of course, she cannot be.
And then, you see, that Sarah B.,
By acting, gains much s. d.-
Yet, mind you, he oft causes glee,
By acting in the H. of C. ;
Which if you doubt, ask W. G.
And yet (ah me I) by Fate's decree,
He took it out of Salisburee,
Who to R. C. soon bent the knee I
And this Norwegian says, says he,
That Lord R. C. and Sarah B.
Are like each other to a t."
To glitter and to beauty," she
Bows down in homage-so does he;
Their whims are restless as the sea
To firemen she of late said "gee I "
To all of which, we answer Ouil"
But Reader, confidentialee
Friend FUN (whose postal-mark's E.C.
And who from duty ne'er will flee)
Desires to point it out to ye,
That all this talk about R. C.
Resembling wondrous Sarah B.
Is but a sort of riddle-me-ree,
Like Tweedledum and Tweedledee !"
BALMY slumber's soft completeness,
All his senses wrapt in mist,
And he lost the thrilling sweetness
Kissing lips can give the kist.
And reality, with waking,
Came like wrath to one who loves,
First a kiss from slumber taking,
Then her claim-a pair of gloves 1
MOTTO FOR THE LANDLORD.-The lease said the soonest
"WAYS AND MEANS." "THE COOL SHADES OF OPPOSITION."
' ,THE SWEATS OF O FIC .*
FOR a man persuaded fully
That his brain is getting "woolly,"
In the energetic struggle after wealth,
There's a well-developed notion
That sojourning by the ocean
Is an excellent restorative of health.
There's a firmly-fixed opinion
Through the whole of this dominion
That the tissues you can easily restore
By a course of cockney niggers,
German bands and bathing figgets"
And the other common objects of the shore.
There's a feeling, as I've stated,
Not to be eradicated,
That to live in stuffy lodgings by the sea
(Where the bill is rather scathing)
And indulge in clammy bathing,
And a winkle or a shrimp or two at tea,
To be daily seen "parading,"
When the band is serenading,
In a tourist suit (obtainable on trust),
To be always feebly joking,
And continually smoking
Is the way to get exceedingly robust.
P'raps it's far from prejudicial-
Nay, extremely beneficial-
To adopt a hat of straw with a bernouse,
And there may be lots of virtue
(Even when they do not hurt you)
In a flimsy pair of yellow canvas shoes.
But in spite of much tuition,
I am not in a position
To emphatically favour such a claim
(I am possibly a sceptic
Just because I'm so dyspeptic)-
But I'm trying the prescription all the same.
Yes, I'm here, as I have stated,
By indulging in the briny and the breeze.
But I've come to the conclusion
That the scribe of this effusion
Might be happier by several degrees.
Oh, the sea is very briny,
And the sun is very shiny,
And the sky is very beautiful and blue,
And the girls are very cheery,
And the beer is very beery,
But there's nothing in the mortal world to do I
So I look with envy hearty
On each "occupated" party,
On the bathing-marm, the boatmen, and the bands,
On the donkey-boys and niggers,
And the busy little diggers
Who are vigorously working on the sands.
And I'm glad themnight is creeping
(For I pass the time, by sleeping)
And I'm bothered by the morning when it comes,
For to anyone who's active,
There is something unattractive
In a-sitting and a-twiddling of his thumbs.
Though undignified (and folly),
'Twould be very, very jolly,
Just to imitate those children at their games I-
And, indeed, why can't I do it
If I have a fancy to it ?
Do I care about your praises or your blames?
Surely I'm a son of freedom I
Isn't England where they breed 'em ?
And are any of them going to be slaves?
Let my dignity skedaddle I
I shall go and dig and paddle,
And I'll sail a little boat upon the waves I
Hint to Holiday Makers.
[The South London Association for Assisting the Blind earnestly appeal for assist.
ance to enable them to give their poor members their annual summer excursion.
Contributions will be gratefully received byC. D. Millett, Esq., Hon. Treas., London
and Westminster Bank. Westminster Bridge Road, S.E., or J. T. Edmonds, Esq ,
Hon. Sec., 15 Brixton Road, S.W.]
WHENin'summer meadows lying
You hear the branches sighing
As you lounge beneath the shadow of the trees,
Or when ling'ring by the river,
You watch the rushes quiver
In the breeze,
Think of fellow creatures toiling
While the August sun is broiling,
Whose lives are lit with few and transient gleams,
Who, imprisoned in dark alleys,
Only see the verdant valleys
In their dreams.
And, with seas or fields before you,
And the blue of Heaven o'er you.
Learn the best of pleasures still is being kind,
And grateful for your gladness
Soothe a little of the sadness
Of the blind.
JULY 29, 1885.
IN SPITE OF ALL PRECAUTIONS!
Foresight and caution become quite a habit with some classes of men. Take the builder, or example. He is about to leave his ladder for the night against the
house he is repairing. The householder-fussy and nervous as persons are with whom caution is not habitually necessary-says, "Do you think it is quite safe?
Suppose a burglar- Lor bless yer I" replies the ever-thoughtful builder; "ee calculates for that. Puzzle any burglar to git up with that there plank l' And
the astute builder winks, chuckles, and depai is.
And the householder, confident in the tutelary intelligence of the builder,
sleeps without misgiving.
While all that evening, over his pot, the builder continues to chuckle over the
triumph of intelligence and the disappointed rage of the burglar.
"Lor I" says the dumbfoundered builder next morning. Burglar got up after all, and took all the tools. Vy, he must ha' moved that plank-blest if he mustn't I"
I F -U'N .-JULY 29, 1885.
IN STRANGE WATERS.
Ancient Piscator.-" CAUGHT ANYTHING YET, MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN ?"
50 FU N JULY 29, i88.
A ROMANCE OF THE RIVER.
A PARENT and his family went boating up the Thames-
The Thames on which the ripples gleam like myriads of gems-
The Thames on which well-regulated Londoners all doat-
Doat like the little family that filled that little boat. sc-A ",c'
Anon they camped (see Tableau I) upon some verdant field-
A field that seemed to promise calm security to yield;
Security in which to eat the merry little "spread,"
The spread which mater had prepared ere they from London sped.
And they pic-nicked quite serenely on that river's sloping marge,
The marge that risked no danger from the tow-rope of the barge;
Yea, there they ate and angled till they heard an awful noise,
A noise that very quickly put to flight their rustic joys.
'Twas a local yokel sportsman who, his labour being done
(His labour which had started at the rising of the sun),
Had taken an old firelock just to try to kill some birds,
The birds about which poets write such lots of pretty words.
To the feathered race he did but little damage with his gun,
But he quite upset the Human, for he made our party run.
They thought 'twas dynamite that threw the earth into such throes,
And their terror made them suffer, as the 2nd Tableau shows.
When they'd pulled themselves together, and had found they all were
Said pater unto mater, Let us homeward now repair;"
So he pulled his family along until he chanced to get
Entangled with an angler who was angling in the wet.
And when from that piscator's line his scull at length was free,
He asked that rain-drenched angler (whom you see in Tableau Three):
"Were they in the right direction to get back to Moulsey Lock ?
And that dripping angler's answer gave them all an awful shock.
"Why, you're coming right away from it; it's six miles up the stream!"
Then the mater and her little brood gave many a startled scream,
For the shades of night were falling fast, so also was the rain,
And it threatened to continue in the same downpouring vein.
So at last the poor old pater, who had sought "a happy day I"
Got out and tugged the vessel several miles the other way;
But we cannot say for certain if they reached home any more,
For the last that we beheld of them was as in Tableau Four I
Some Humorous Suggestions.
(AFTER THE MANNER OF OUR TORY CONTEMPORARIES.)
BECAUSE the Marquis of Hartington owns race-horses, it is suggested
that he can earn his living while out of office by book-making. There-
When dispossessed of office by the Autumn Elections, the Marquis of
Salisbury can still turn his hand to begging letter-writing as a means
Lord Iddesleigh can get a living as a lecturer, stumping the country
with his celebrated remarks on "Nothing," with an appendix on reduc-
tion thereto by means of a coronet.
Lord .Carnarvon might turn his attention to Sanger's Circus, giving
his comic act, "The Entry into Dublin," including his life-like repre-
sentation of the Old woman who rode a white horse."
Lord George Hamilton may exhibit himself as the celebrated calcu-
The Duke of Richmond will be qualified for a racing tout.
Lord John Manners might turn his hand to restoring defaced postage
Mr. Marriott can occupy himself turning coats.
And, by that time, Lord Randolph Churchill will, no doubt, be in a
position to patent a nice little Indian Pickle.-Q. E. D.
A Warning to our Sires.
THE new title, Lord St. Cyres, is to be pronounced "Sires," and
never "Sears," as some might suppose,
This news our bosom sears"
I To hear that Cyres is Sires,"
And we've wept many tears,
More than the news requires.
For those who'd fain be peers,
Will be in dread of "guyers,"
Lest people should, with jeers,
Say they for fame are sighers.
SONG for the Present Members of the House of Commons at the
General Election-" Then you'll re-member me."
JULY 29, 88. FUN. 51
In Strante Waters.
OH, gentle indeed is the angler's
Most of all when pursued from a
punt or a raft,
Or a tub of a boat.
On the river afloat,
Being more or less fixed to the spot
fore and aft.
Benign contemplation pervades your
As you carefully fasten the bait on
the hook P/
Whchtht xcllntma, 4/ //
In accord with the plan
Which that excellent man, A11 ..
Mr. Walton, laid down in his notable
There you fish, and you fish, and you
And you pleasantly hope, and you
That some monster or mite
May be tempted to bite,
And:provide you with something to
show:on your dish.
The process engenders a deal of
While you're watching your float,
and your line getting taut,
And the people in view
On the shore watch 'em too,
Feeling anxious to find out how much
you have caught.
The same in the Government punt at
Is the interest people are likely to
They may angle away
For a month and a day
Without luck, or perchance a fair
basket they'd make.
ANOTHER new company has been
formed for the purpose of supplying -
pure bread to the metropolis.. About
this all are prepared to admit that "HEARTFELT S Y MPATHY."
the more we have the merrier.
There can be no doubt about this Lord-Lieutenant Pecksnff.-" DELIGHTED TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU IN THE WAY OF
-pure bread is a commodity which WORDS, OR EVEN TEARS, MY DEAR FRIEND; BUT WE REALLY CANNOT GIVE YOU ANY
in the metropolis is kneaded. 'DIRECT ASSISTANC.'"'
THE BLIGHTING INFLUENCE.
[Theatrical managers attribute the great falling off in their business to the superior
popularity of the South Kensington Show.]
THE world is very black and drear,
And ev'ry mortal thing is failing,
And some of us are "very queer,"
And most of-us are rather ailing ; "
And men and measures, far and nigh,
Are in a moribund condition-
For everything is ruined by
The Great Inventions Exhibition.
The Gladstone Government is down,.
And down are all its shining glories,
And in its place, before the town,
There pose, alas I triumphant Tories.
But 'twas not Tories made it fly
Its unassailable position-
It was entirely ruined by
The Great Inventions Exhibition.
Lord Wolseley has returned, and been
Yet still, upon the whole, I ween -
That general has been defeated.
Not that mere Mahdis e'er could vie
With England's wiliest tactician-.
His plans were simply ruined by
The Great Inventions Exhibition.
If sailor folks in Bantry Bay,
And round about, have lately blundered,
In such a simple-hearted way,
That everybody stared and wondered,
You musn't think such things imply
A want of naval erudition-
Our ships have all been ruined by
The Great Inventions Exhibition.
If grocers fail, and humble folks
1Be rather short of food and raiment,
And if our kitchen chimney smokes,
And if our bank is stopping payment,
And if my verse is rather dry
(Of which I have a slight suspicion)-
They've one and all been ruined by
The Great Inventions Exhibition.
Gaiety, a new journal of which Nos. I and 2 have appeared, has a
variety of interesting and merry articles, sketches, and "pars." in prose
and verse on everything and everybody in the theatrical, artistic, and
social worlds.. Indeed it ought soon to become the Gaiety of
52 F U N .JULYV 29, 18S.
Fox some time past we have all been advised to eat a variety of nice,
or nasty things, varying from toads to blackbeetles. But hitherto,
nobody has excelled Professor Riley's
discovery. The professor has found out
that the seventeen-year-old locust is
better eating than birds' nest, elephant
trunk, or pickled scorpion. And he
delicately insinuates that Britishers are
passess" not to enjoy the dainty fare as
frequently as possible; as this insect is
excessively creamy, either cooked or raw.
We have never tied locust fried or locust
in its state of simple nature. Locuste
f rile or Locuste naturelle, has never passed
our lips. To begin with, a tolerably
long journey must be taken before you
can secure your locust, fresh and unadul-
terated. Possibly Algeria would be the
nearest point from London to obtain it
in juicy, succulent perfection; and that's
a long way to go just to nibble locust.
Here's the recipe for a dish, that on the
whole we should prefer assisting to con-
sume to any tasty locust entrie-Take
some good Anglo-Dutch oysters, wash
them clean; that is, wash their shells
clean-don't open 'em, then place your oysters in an earthen pot with
their hollow side down; put this pot covered, into a large fish-kettle of
cold water; and so let them boil. Your oysters are boiled thus in their
own liquor, and not mixed with water. Serve up with very thin brown
bread-and-butter, lemons, and cayenne pepper. N.B.-To those who
are obliged to drink, perhaps hock goes as well as anything else with
COMMISSIONER KERR does not love usurers. The extortionate
money-lenders who seek to force their cruel claims in his court do not
have a high time. The plain spoken Commissioner denounces them in
trenchant cutting language, and seeks to protect their prey, as much as
possible. These crafty money-spiders play fearful havoc among the
poor; they love to creep into a poverty-stricken neighbourhood, art-
fully and deftly spin their webs, and mercilessly suck the life-blood from
the victims they ensnare, which are many. That such creatures are not
frequently amply caparisoned with feathers, and bounteously fitted
with tar, proves that the British poor is the most law-abiding tribe under
THE above shrewd judge has frequently been abused because of his
eccentric, quaint, and original sayings while on the bench. It strikes
some curiously constituted minds with deadly horror, that the dull,
gloomy monotony of law proceedings should be enlivened by a quip or
a crank. It is not comme ilfaut, don't you know. But in our modest
opinion the .Commissioner is a grand type of the judge, whose keen per-
ception of character leads him to know when to temper justice with
mercy, and when to treat a malefactor with Draconic severity. Woe
betide those "robbery with violence" gentry, who ever and anon used
to appear before him. They seemed to twitch their shoulders, and
instinctively feel the lash as he peered at them with his sharp twinkling
eyes before passing sentence. Yet in other cases where weak-minded
culprits (perhaps often more sinned against than sinning) stood before
him for judgment, it did not require a very acute observer to detect that
in his heart, the kindly Commissioner would have, rejoiced could he
have been able to pardon the offenders instead of making them gaol-
THE setter that took the first prize in the open class at the Crystal
Palace Dog Show, rejoices in the name Rock of Ages." That such
a term should be applied to a dog, has called up virtuous indignation
from people of severely religious views. People I who believe firmly
that vegetables purchased from greengrocers who do not attend church
regularly, are conducive to sin.
SOME of the bullies attached to the Salvation Army are most efficient
in street fights ; but we fancy they are a trifle too mundane for guides to
the golden streets of gloryland. The way one stalwart warrior got a
Philistine's "nob in chancery" the other day, during an impeded
march, would have called forth the admiration of the late lamented
A CONTEMPORARY naively reports :-" The officers of the Brigade of
Guards not lucky enough to have been employed in the Soudan
Expedition, gave a banquet to their brother officers, etc." Lucky I"
If it is fortunate to be participators in a ghastly melancholyfiuasco, save
us from such luck.
MUCH MOPE DISCOREET.
EDWIN ROMEO CORYDON gazing at ANGELINA JULIET PHYLLIS.
E. R. C. How sweet she is. This is the thirteenth time-
That is, if memory serves; let me consult
My diary-yes, 'tis the thirteenth time
That, overmastered by wild passion's sway,
I have been tempted to consult my lawyer
As to the prudence of addressing her
In terms of warm endearment. Oh I rash heart
That scarce can be restrained from rushing hence,
With blind and reckless fervour, to obtain
Counsel's opinion on the risks I run
In calling her by those sweet words, My own "-
In pressing her to this my yearning bosom,
And pouring forth those wild, impassioned phrases
Which-while they scorch with love's consuming fire
And thrill with all that eloquence unknown
Save unto pure devotion, yet do keep
.From overstepping that frail border line
Dividing breach of promise damages
From safety. How's the time ? Alas I 'tis six-
Too late to find my wise solicitor,
Good Mr. Pounce, of Pounce and Pettigrev,
At Lincoln's Inn; the counsel, too, are gone;
Nor would they, were they there, confer with one
Who, though true love doth rack him ever so,
Is not a practising solicitor.
Oh, cruel hours of darkness and despair
That thus, till ten a.m. to-morrow, shut
The love sick heart from its solicitor I
Let me reflect-is there no simple act
Which, without consultation, I might do
To hint to her of my devotedness,
And yet be safe ? Each passionate remark
Tendered without professional advice
Doth save some part and portion of a fee
While filling up the weary hours of waiting I
Might I not offer her a tender rose
Without supplying to a plaintiff's counsel
A point wherewith to bias jurymen ?
Marry, I'll tell the florist that the bloom
Is for my aunt, lest they subpoena him I
Be still, my beating heart, panting to place
A loving note within the bloom's recesses;
This were, indeed, too rash. Yet, stay, I have it I
My good type-writer. I will hasten to it
And pour my soul into a billet-doux
Which, full of fervent eloquence, shall not
Be compromisingly identified
As written by mine hand. *
Here is the letter:
Yet hath it struck me since I printed it
That e'en in print some peril lies. The maiden
Sits by herself; there are no witnesses;
The moment offers; I will throw myself
Before her, and in fervent words that spring
Straight from the thoughtless heart, offer mine hand.
And afterward ? Should I not change my mind,
Seeing some other maiden sMore attractive,
I'll marry her; while, should she pall upon me,
I'll break it off "-she hath no witnesses. *
Perfidious maiden I Hast thou trapped me thus
To ask thy treacherous hand-not telling me
That thy solicitor so basely lurked
Behind the hedge I Oh I trapped, incautious heart I
That,-woman, too, should be thus calculating I
JULY 29. MSB.
Then at kss-in-the-ring," which A.
In chasing 'Arriet, 'A. goes tripping.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
SIR,-It is not for me to boast; but who sent you Quicklime for the
Liverpool Cup, eh? Oh-ah I-yes I I know he didn't win-don't be
trivial, but remember the infallible old man who' sent you absolute
third, and fondly believe his
TIP FOR THE GOODWOOD STAKES. .
COME, fill up the glass, and we'll drink to Blue Grass,
Who's a winner, and a winner to be;
And we'll lift up the voice, as we stand by our choice,
With a vigorous triple of three I
And Loch Ranta shall see the full waters of glee,
And See-see shall see what sheshall see,
And we'll gladsomely smile on the sturdy Glengyle
In the hope of what's certain to be.
Truly, Xema and Wire, to some height may aspire,
And Dame Fortune may favour the brave;
And the Wild Crom-a-boo, may be notable too,
If but by a miraculous shave.
While Fair Florence, I fear, is o'erweighted (or near),
Though her style of performance may tell,
But for every sake I'mp intending to make
Young Eurasian.de very well.
Turn we next to the
TIP,FOR THE STEWARD'S COP.
I'VE beeh sitting and a-pondering a lot of nights and days
Of the breeding, and performances, and'chances of St. Blaise;
I've been thinking of the Vixen, and the "moral," and the fluke,
In a lot-of random thinking in connection with the Duke,
And a lot of wise reflection I have been expending for
The purpose of adjudicating Eastern Emperor.
I've placed them all together, and I've looked at each in turn,
But ever and anon have I returned to Royal Fern.
The Duke may take it easily, and still the Duke may win,
The Emperor may please us all by gaily "romping in."
The chances are that one may win-I do not say they ain't-
And yet the Duke and Emperor may fall before the Saint.
I do not wish to satirize or pose as being sharp,
I do not wish at any human weaknesses to carp,
But though I do not wish it-I repeat that I do NOT-
I think it's certain Royalty will conquer all the lot.
Finally, for the present here is my
TIP FOR THE GOODWOOD CUP.
LET'S be gay as we may on this day-
As the tin we begin for to win;
Chislehurst is the first that we durst-
Single out without doubt from the din.
Pizarro, you must know, he can go-
(As you'll find) like the wind when in mind;
Xema too comes to view just a few-
Althorp may have a say (not behind).
Saucy Boy they'll employ as decoy-
But, I pray you, delay anyway,
And although you may go in the know "-
Lonely wins (for our sins) Ishould say.
I am, yours, &c TROPHONIUS,
TO CORP.ZSUNDErTs.-TIU. Nieor dm net bid himself to achtokn ldjg.se, udww, or jAq for Coxtrihutios. in iw cast wiol they k retuwopdsoigulu
accompanied by a stamed sand digictd exvloje.I
BANK HOLIDAY HAPPINESS!
54 3 I .JULY 29 1885.
HACK K NE E'D.
Mfan on Horseback.-" No, HE'S NOT MINE. HIRED -HIM, AND I'VE NAMED HIM LIMITED LIABILITY-LIMITED POWERS, AND
LIABLE TO COME DOWN EVERY MINUTE, Y'SEE I
SONGS OF THE WATERING PLACES.
FOLKESTONE genteel, 7 'Twixt me and you, When, from a gale,
Yes, a great deal Not much to do Mossoo looks pale
More so than Sandgate or Dover; But loaf there, eat, drink, and talk scandal; On landing, they make sure he knows it;
Making Hythe feel Place where things new Mention pa-lale,
Quite down at heel, Are under taboo, Biftek and snail,
Walmer, too, lording it over. Where Philistine ranks, say, with Vandal. And mock his disgust, if he shows it.
Town rather small, There (I suppose) He's a great gun
Quiet withal, Ev'ry one knows 'Who at this fun
But yet does its best to be sprightly, The times when the "Frenchboats" come daily, Has longest escap'd a good kicking;
At its Town Hall And, "when it blows," May his course run
Lecture or ball Ev'ry one goes Till some stout son
Giving sometimes, if not nightly. Down to the harbour quite gaily. Of Britain gives him a sound licking.
High, and not damp, Three or four deep, N 0 T I C E.
Shunned by the tramp, Two lines they keep, A FULL-LENGTH PORTRAIT of FUN,'" beautifully
Has castle, walks downy and airy; A passage between them just leaving, printed in colours, mounted and glazed, can be obtained
Soldiers from camp Through which must creep, on personal application to the Publisher, or will be for-
Give it a stamp Timid as sheep, warded gratis on receipt of 3d., the cost of postage.
Semi-nautico-military. The victims of two hours' heaving. "FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, E C.
E1 I I C d t C's
B 1 t Delidous I A Great Luxury I I
SA 6d. Packet iI CAUTION.-If
POWR Cocoa thickens in the
Packet fr VVYs POW DER cup, it proves the
AL.PR]D BIRD &O SONS, Devonelhi vore o : -the points being rounded by a new process. Six Prize Med addition'oaI f Starch.
ng .C. BRANDAUER & C.'S PN WOR. B INGs GUARANTEED PURE AND 80LUBLE.
London : Printed by Dalzdel Brother., at their Camden Pre, Hih Street N..,and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 29th,-z88i.
AUGUST 5, x885, ]3'TJIN. 5
/- 7yr ";"( l
O';T rVCO O -o r''
'kENERY HQI-KIN SS HOLIDAY.
VOL. XLII,-NO. 1056.
56 F UI T. AUGUST 5, I885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
I.HE ADELPHI.-It is not to be
supposed that a second-hand play
(so to speak) will arouse quite so
B J much interest as a brand new
one, and it is not to be imagined
that a "summer company" will
excite as much enthusiasm as the
regular, height-of-the-season, un-
mistakably all-round good one
always to be found at each of the
London theatres at other times.
At the same time, Arrak-na-
Pogue is a good play in itself-
plenty of laughs and plenty of
tears to be got out of it. It is a
W. long time since it was last played
-- in a prominent theatre. Irish
." drama in any shape has the fresh-
I ness of unfamiliarity (for it
hasn't been much seen of late
l years), and the company is far
I'h Ik from a bad one-indeed, in some
respects, is a very good one; so
that Messrs. Gatti have not
THE ADELPIII.-SHAUN THE POST ON A made altogether a bad move in
CIRCULAR TOWER (PERSONALLY CON- producing one of Boucicault's
MR. CHARLES SULLIVAN is a very good Shaun. There is some want
of grip about the performance; but the roguish astuteness of the cha-
racter is brought out with a neat and appreciative touch, which is very
grateful to witness. Mr. Pateman's Feeny is a wonderfully powerful
study; it is a vein of character this actor seems to have given some
attention to, and the success of his latest effort must be gratifying to him.
Miss Mary Rorke is the sweetest of Arrahs, as she was bound to be; she
plays without arrah-gance, and her part in the sensation scene at the
tower top is received with enthusiastic "'arrabs!" nightly. Mr. Charles
Glenny is sufficiently chivalrous as the young Beamish McCoul; Mr.
Beveridge is a sympathetically bright and popular O'Grady, and Miss
Cissy Graham is more mannered and self-conscious than ever as Fanny
Power. There is, indeed, no evidence of Fanny Power whatever in the
whole performance; the part is not very significant, however.
DRURY LANE.-There is plenty of what is politely called "old-
fashioned acting (what I call artificial, unnatural, and clap-trappy) in
the revival of Never Too Late to Mend at this theatre. It is curiously
mixed, even in individuals, with the better lights of modern style. The
false intonation and emphasis, as well as bumptious style, of Mr. Warner
is oddly blended with and partially condoned by many an expert touch
of nature, of truthful look, tone and gesture (though I am bound to say
these latter are few and far between). Miss Isabel Bateman, ineffectual
and artificial as she is, has yet some show of grace and finish, and is-a-bel
to get through without serious offence. The late Mr. Charles Reade is,
of course, responsible for the conventionalities of Crawley (no doubt
conventionalities were too strong for authors to stroke themselves wholly
free in his day); but Mr. Nicholls, clever actor and irresistibly funny as
he is, does nothing to lessen them (far be it for me to say he is wrong).
Mr. Clynds is a conventional actor, body and bones, and his Isaac Levi
partakes freely of these
I AM not sufficiently
acquainted with the 2 .-
ways and manners of .
the Australian abori- -
gine to judge fairly of
Mr. Calhaem's Jacky; -... ,,'
but it is too late for '
such judgment, any ..
way, this- actor having
made the part his own
this many a day. The /
same must be said of .
Mr. Howard Russell's a -
Meadows, with the ad- THE ADELPHI.-CUPID'S ARRAH, SHE GOES STRAIGHT
edition that it has al- TO OUR HEARTS TOO (RATHER RORKR-WARD, AS
ways had the stamp of E CAN'T all / AVE ER !)
the author's approval ;
and George Fielding, the Rev. Mr. Eden, and Josephs in the hands of
Mr. Arthur Lyle, Mr. E. Gurney, and Mrs. Shine appeared pretty
much as they usually do. These are Mr. Warner's "Good-bye till I
come back from America" performances, and deserve recognition as such.
THE IMPERIAL,-This building of remarkable history-a history of
change "behind," and "no change" in front, albeit the harpyism is much
modified now, has, in fact, practically disappeared-has reopened under
Tripartite management. This time Messrs. J. A. Rosier, J. B. Ashley,
and Cyril Melton are the adventurous trio. May they (if you will pardon
age) not find themselves "up a tree-oh I" may their proceedings result
anything but (H)ash-ly, draw in spite of Melton weather, and have an
outlook Rosier and Rosier every day There.
THE management have opened their campaign with the genial work
called The Corsican Brothers (though only one of them is a Corse-seekin'
brother, when his twin has been run through by the naughty Chateau
Renaud). We had a good many minutes for refreshment (with the
drawback of not being prepared for it, and therefore unable to take
advantage of it) in the middle of Act II., and the cast generally was not
exhilarating. The pronunciation of their own language by the French-
men and women was rather original and curious, and the number and
rapidity of the changes Monsieur went through would qualify it for
a Protean entertainment. Mr. Ashley, who, as Chateau Renaud (a
chat-teau by no means a cat's faw), appeared out of his element, and in
a light wig, was a considerable offender in this respect-in fact the
Corsicans spoke better French than those who were born to it.
MR. MELTON'S Baron de Montgiron showed care and was acceptable.
There was a good deal to admire and compliment Mr. Rosier upon in
his "twins "-earnestness and force and some picturesqueness. Mrs.
Rosier, with an agreeable manner and pleasant appearance, gave an
excellent account of Emilie. The
staging, save in little defects "--I
which will by-and-bye smooth
out, was good, the bal masque
scene being very merry, and the E
duel visions-or dual visions, if --
you like-of Acts I. and II.
were striking, but the carriage
that crashed O.P. in the forest '
scene seemed as timid and an- ii
xious to avoid making a noise i
as the decayed gentlewoman re-
duced to selling trotters, who
called her wares in a whisper
for fear of being noticed. The
management may score all right,
but an improvement of the cast
would be an improvement of
the chances also. The old ori-
ginal short melody was well to
DRURY LANE.-GEORGE FIELDING (AND
NODS AND WINKS. Mr. WHY NOT ? ISN'T HE A FIELD-MARSHAL,
Pottinger Stephens is about to AND PAID FOR IT?)
"boss a new paper, they tell
me, of a dramatic Primrose-Leaguey character in its politics. Mr. Ste-
phens is also part author with Mr. W. Yardley of the Gaiety burlesque
When Mr. Stephens takes into his head
In Primrose paths of politics to tread,
And writes burlesque, wherein to frame
The Vicar of Wakefield's family name;
Burlesque I think he will find-don't you?-
The better Primrose-League of the two.-
A rather ridiculous procession saw Madame Patti home to bed the other
night. It consisted of a loud band, a few vehicles, mostly cabs, and
some limelight men. There might be some value in a spontaneous out-
burst of this kind, but this affair was obviously organised and decidedly
noisy. It aroused a good many tired and inoffensive people from their
slumber, and was altogether a Patti-able spectacle.-" The Dramatic
Students have postponed their performance of The Housekeeper and
Mr. H. until the autumn. This will be, if not exactly, the initial per-
formance of the latter play at least a very early one, for, if I remember
rightly, it ran but two nights, and has never been revived. Lamb was
a rather sententious critic, but he didn't show up great as a playwright.
It is possible that some modern critics resemble him in this respect I
-That sound actor Mr. F. H. Macklin and his pleasing and clever
wife accompany Miss Mary Anderson on her Provincial and American
tour of '85 and '6. I think our American cousins will take to both, but
I hope they won't keep them.-A capital farewell benefit" programme
was presented at the Prince's on the 23rd ult., to wish Mr. G. W. Anson
" God speed and Good-bye previous to his departure for Australia.
Well, may he have the best of good luck at the An(son)tipodes,
An-so(o)n return again I NESTOR.
AUGUST 5 ISss. FUN. 57
A BANK HOLIDAY IDYLL.
Loo knew a shop where they could hire some toggery for "Well, they can't call us dowdies, Loo, can Bill and Alf had got 'em on too.
the Bank Holiday. they?." said Carry.
And didn't they have a hizh old time of it on 'Ampsted
Lo couldn't say how they got home, but she knew that So that next day she felt it necessary to
none of them had any money left. "take the pledge." So did Carry
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
FRIDAY, 24th July.-Bill for Housing Working Classes goes through
final stage in the Lords, much to disgust of Lord Bramwell, who sees
"no more reason why the State should provide the poor with houses
than with food." Quite right, my lord; the poor have no right to
expect such luxuries. State has quite enough to do to provide for suc-
cessful lawyers and foreign princes. Like the poor's impudence to exist
at all I
Commons.-While Lord Spencer elsewhere is receiving a well-
earned meed of honour, praise, and thanks for devotion tho duty in the
face of unprecedented difficulty and danger in the House, W. Redmond
makes O'Brien's paltry attack on Walpole cover for a dastardly insult
to the man whose fault in Nationalist eyes was that he crushed rebellion
Monday.-Great larks in the Lords. Milltown determined that
Liberals should not have credit of Medical Relief Bill, races down to
House to move its second reading. Granville, equally bent on dishing
the Tories, also tears down to House with like object. Neither of
noble lords up to Lillie Bridge form, but Granville, though not so puffy
as Milltown, handicapped by his old enemy the gout, consequently loses
by a short head. In result Bill moved by both noble lords, and pedes-
trian contest very nearly supplemented by pugilistic one. Ultimately,
however, Granville has to retire, growling like a furniture-van man who
has lost a moving job.
Commons.-Pleasant disclosures in Supply. British public been
accustomed to flatter itself rascally army contractor defunct institution.
Apparently, however, he still flourishes, and in addition to the forces
of the Mahdi, excessive heat, forced marches, &c., our troops have to
contend with enemy at home, who sends flour in "hard solid blocks
like plaster of Paris" only fit for making starch; and hay "mildewed,
rotten, full of rushes, moss, and lowland-water meadow grass for these
Tuesday.-Medical Relief Bill read a second time. Granville moves
that Lords should sit on Wednesday for third reading. House carried
out in a faint at the bare idea.
Commons--Irish rebels in the House having attacked Lord Spencel
for the past three years, John Bright has attacked them; whereupon
Callan to-night attacks J. B.-any odds on the Quaker, Great shame
however to hurt the feelings of Irish party, who are so considerate with
regard to others.
Wednesday.-Supply in Commons. On Vote for South Africa, both
sides pay tribute to Sir Charles Warren, who is voted "first-class
[General Tcheng-ki-Tong has replaced the Marquis Tseng as Chinese Ambassador
to England ]
OH, General Tcheng-Ki-Tong, all hail,
You're welcome to Britain's shore,
May you ne'er have reason to bewail
Your leaving the land you adore.
May you ne'er (as they say in saws and songs)
Have occasion to fight with us "hammer and Tongs."
WOMEN are employed on tramcars at Chili, and we read they do their
work as well as men. After all, why should they not? The ladies-
bless their hearts I-are fully able to manage tramcars, or omnibuses
for the matter of that, for they most all knew how to conduct them-
"Yes sir, the moment we weighed anchor I said to the captain, 'Captain, we shall "And what followed, sir? Why, in ten minutes it blew the worst gale the
have some diriv weather. I should ad'ise you to do so and so. If you'll take my crew had eve" seen; and the captain, sir, came to me and said, 'Mr. Bouncer,
advice you'll,' &c., &c. Wtll, sir, ii yon'l' ,eeir i h" would so his iwn way." it's t" much fnr mrn: wil1 on ri. le c 'nmani end cove the ship?'"
^ --. .. .
"Well, sir, the oldest of the crew had never seen such a storm I All the passengers were battened down in the mizen-foxle-main-galley, sir; and the captain was
sick, sir ; and the crew were all in the scuppers. It all devolved on me, sir ; and I steered and worked that vessel safely into port, if you'll credit it And I smoked
a pipe of cavendish all through, sir."
"Dear me 1" remarked that Tourit some little time after, when he had ventured on the Serpentine in a bit of a nasty sea. "Never felt a qualm before in my life! I
Can't be the motion, y'know: must be that salmon and cucumber I had last Monday three weeks!'
IF'UN.-AUGUST 5, 1885.
BANK HOLIDAY.-RANDY "ON THE JOB."
6o F UN. AUGUST ;, 1885.
A COMFORTABLE WAY OF SETTLING IT.
["There is something a little peculiar about the inquest in connection with the
collision between the Hecla and the Cheerful. It is not quite clear why it should
have been held on board a man-of-war, and why the jury should have been composed
of naval officers, several of whom belonged to the ship Hecla itself. This hardly seems
quite right, since the officers in charge of the Hecla are 'parties in the case.' The
verdict returned by the jury was that the deaths occurred 'through the colliding of
the two vessels'-a statement which is not to be disputed."-Newspaper.]
(SUBSEQUENT outcomes of the above affair, from our own Imagina-
The case of the officers of the Hlecla v. the St. 7acobus's Gazette for
publishing unkind remarks came on for hearing yesterday. The offence
complained of was that the said Gazette had imputed that the said
officers were not fit and proper persons to pronounce a decision as
to whether they themselves were to blame or not. Mr. Bloobhag,
on the part of the complainants contended that a man must know more
about his own acts than anybody else ; but the jury failed to take this
view of the case, and returned a verdict in favour of the defendants.
The jury was entirely composed of the staff of the St. Jacobus's Gazette.
The judge (who happened to be the editor of the above-named paper)
in giving judgment, with costs, alluded to the frivolity and animus of
the complainants in the case, and highly lauded the moderation, tact,
and good sense with which the case-so far as he himself and the jury
were concerned-had been conducted. He considered that the com-
plainants had not a leg to stand on, and remarked that the case ought
never to have been brought.
Mr. Bloobhag, on the part of the complainants, gave notice of appeal;
and it is considered likely that the case will be tried again before the
captain and officers of the Hecla as judge and jury. It is looked upon
as not improbable that the verdict will, in that case, be set aside.
The case of Mr. FUN v. all his Enemies is causing much interest and
excitement, and the court is crowded to suffocation daily. As the case
is intended (by Mr. FUN) to be a test one, it was judged expedient at
the outset that no suspicion of want of discrimination or fairness should
exist; and it was therefore decided (by Mr. FUN) that the presiding
judge should be Mr. FUN himself, while the jury should be composed
of the same gentleman.
The composition of the jury was at once challenged by several un-
reasoning and presumptuous persons; but the objections were at once
overruled by the judge, who made some crushing remarks, which were
received with loud s'gns of approval by the jury. From the very com-
mencement it became obvious that an organized opposition to defeat
the ends of justice was in existence : this being most marked in the con-
duct of the counsel for the defence, who, obviously animated by the
most shameless bias, put the case entirely in favour of The Enemies,
and slurred over every point which might have told in the interests of
Mr. FUN. This being so, the learned judge (Mr. Lord Baron FUN)
summarily stopped the proceedings, and ordered the counsel out of
court, amid a storm of disapproval (which was instantly suppressed)
from some evil-disposed persons, who were at once committed for con-
The jury was then eloquently addressed in favour of the prosecution
by Mr. FUN, Q.C.; and it was abundantly evident from the enthusiastic
signs of approval on the part of the jury that a thorough conviction of
the justice of the cause he represented filled their minds. The jury
(composed of Mr. FUN), without retiring, returned an unanimous verdict
in favour of the complainant; adding a rider to the effect that the con-
duct of defendants was disgraceful, amid loud cheering on the part of
judge, jury, and complainant, which was unsuppressed.
A Summary Statement.
THE seasons are not prone to arithmetical affairs,
Which is "rum," but I know something that is "rummer,"
For every inhabitant in Britain's isles declares
That the present season's certainly a sum "-mer.
The Gladstone Gamp I
A LAY OF LUKEWARM LIBERALS.
[The Duke of Argyll lately gave a lecture, hinting that he would never again march
under the Gladstone Umbrella."]
THE Duke of Argyll's inclined to revile
The political ways of the G. 0. M. ;
He doesn't agree with brave William G.,
In fact, he G.'s policy strives to condemn.
Yea, lately his grace hinted Gladstone was base,
And pooh-poohed most views of the Liberal stamp;
And he loudly was cheered as he loftily sneered
At the Grand Old Man and his Grand Old Gamp.
There are others, no doubt, who, now they are out,"
Make light of the labours of Premier Will;
Like Tories they mock, as though G were a "block,"
And as though the results of his work were all nil.
It was members like these who were "sick absentees
When Hicks-Beach and the beerites prepared their big
Yes, 'twas owing to them that the House snubbed, pfro te,
The Grand Old Man and his Grand Old Gamp !
A Question of Etiquette.
"A READER" much wishes to know,
(Lest he seem, when he's out, to show shyness),
If 'tis what you might call come ilfaut,
To address well-hung game as "your High'-ness."
A Long-looked-for Remedy.
[An eminent physician has, according to the New York Times, finally discovered
that a lack of blood in the brain is the cause of sea-sickness. It is shown that the
real remedy is to stand on one's head, in order that the blood may flow freely towards
THIS indeed is a boon and a blessing,
To be hailed with a thanksgiving air-
This cure for that horror distressing,
Which our Gallic friends call man-de-mer;
For to keep off that malady dread,
You have only to stand on your head.
Then depart, all ye terrors of Ocean !
Which hitherto caused us dismay,
For this doctor has found out a notion
For driving sea-sickness away.
To achieve this, your brain must be fed
With more blood-so you stand on your head.
But don't keep reversed in position
For more than a week at a turn
Or, mayhap, your cranium's condition,
May give you some cause for concern;
But sea-sickness won't touch you, 'tis said,
If you now and then stand on your head.
THE "HOUSING OF THE POOR" BILL.-Yes; and, in some cases,
the Bill seems the only thing that is likely to be housed.
AUGUST 5, 1885. FUN. 6
Bank Holiday.-Randy "on the Job."
OH, when they get to the August Bank Holiday,
Don't they go in for enjoying a jolly day?
Don't they put on, when the weather is Summery,
Airiest, gaudiest, garments and flummery?
Don't they appear to be very familiar,
'Specially those who most youthful and silly are ?
Don't they behave as if jaunty publicity
Were the main road to the height of felicity ?
Don't they indulge in high jinks-that is, some of 'em,
Almost regardless of what may become of 'em ?
Don't they at times feel regret for such revelry,
When there is penance to do for their devilry ?
Don't they then-soon as they're back home and sooner,
Wish they had never left work for buffoonery ?
Don't, too, the people, who're in their proximity
View them with anything save equanimity ?
Don't the respectable, whom they disquiet so,
Hope against hope they won't rowdily riot so ?
Don't they, who'd further a pleasure when peaceable,
Suffer while learning the evil's increasable ?
Don't we, in social affairs and political,
Find that St. Lubbock's Day's doings are critical?
Another Ebony Ruler!
THE brave Prince Saturday Ja-Ja,
Who is always the pride of his dusky pa,
And the idol of his ebony ma :
Is bound for Great Britain some pleasure to seek.
You must treat him with great respect, for lo !
He's the son of the monarch of Opob6-
And Saturday's strongly built, you must know,
Although he is really the last of the week I
"GAME" PROSPECTS.-Those of a courageous man.
[" Had it been Mr. Gladstone's lot to temper the habits of mind of the declamatory
rhetorician with the mother-wit of the sportsman-had he shot, hunted, or moderately
gambled-it is almost certain that his fatal facility of language would have been
corrected, and his judgment in action greatly improved."-City Magazine.]
AH, now we know the reason (according to the Tory)
Why Gladstone never managed to gain a little glory;
We know why, in the Commons, Conservatives he worried-
We know, too, why his speeches full often made them flurried.
We now know why his accents were wont to upset Bartlett,
And why they staggered Randy, whene'er he'd throw his dartlet;
We learn that Mr. Gladstone would not have wrongly rambled ;
He'd have been of nobler kind
Had he had a sportsman's mind,
Had he shot, or had he hunted, or moderately gambled.
Had he gone and backed the winner-or e'en at times have tried to-
His tone would have been better, his sternness cast aside too ;
Had he ta'en some little interest in jockeys or in sprinters,
This censure of his method would not have seen the printers.
Had he, at times, consorted with persons pugilistic,
Or in the Magic Circle himself tried matters fistic-
Had he with tips for races each grand old speech pre-ambled-
He would not be thus disgraced
Had he owned a sporting taste,
Had he shot, or had he hunted, or moderately gambled.
If of Yoicks and of Hark Forward !" he'd been an earnest lover,
Shouting, Tally-ho, Tantivy I" when riding off to cover-
Had he potted snipe and partridge, or marked the grouse and pheasant,
Undoubtedly his manner would then have been more pleasant.
Had he played at whist or cribbage, at "Nap." or "speculation,"
He might have shown some talent at managing the nation,
But with rubbish like Reform Bills he through his life has ambled :
Dr. Bircham.-" CHEEKIBOY, MINOR, YOU ARE MAKING MOST SATISFAC-
TORY PROGRESS. YOU HAVE DECLINED NUBES, LAPIS OPUS, AND PARENTS
WITHOUT AN ERROR. IN SHORT, I DO NOT BELIEVE, CHEEKIBOY, MINOR,
THERE IS A NOUN OF THIS THIRD DECLENSION WHICH YOU COULD NOT
Cheekiboy, Minor.-" OH, YES, THERE IS, SIR. IF I WERE GIVEN VACATION
A HOLIDAY, I COULD NOT DECLINE THAT."
He'd have tried a different plan
Had he been a sporting man,
Had he shot, or had he hunted, or moderately gambled.
If he had only angled, or bicycled or boated,
Or e'en to pool and billiards had been a bit devoted-
Or if he'd gone a-racing, and had a frequent "flutter,"
Then probably the Tories some praise of him might utter.
Lo, this is an example of censure from the Tory-
It is this kind of babble in which they often glory.
Old Will has bravely battled through paths both briered and brambled,
Yet this City Magazine
Says he useful might have been,
Had he shot, or had he hunted, or moderately gambled !
Sir Moses Montefiore.
BORN OCTOBER 24, 1784. DIED JULY 28, 1885.
NOT long ago, in this and many a land,
Were heard rejoicings and loud-ringing cheers
For him who had attained one hundred years;
The Glorious Champion of his Race, so grand I
Poeans were sung, not only by the band
Of brother-Hebrews, scattered through the earth,
Whom he had rescued from distress and dearth-
And for whose'welfare many a scheme he planned-
But he was praised by men of every creed,
For unto all, of every creed and clime,
He bountifully showed, in times of need,
True Charity-of Virtues most sublime.
But now his long, long pilgrimage is o'er-
And his great soul now rests for evermore.
62 FU-UN. AUGUST 5, 1885.
THE BANK HOLIDAY.
THE holiday-maker arose from his rest
And donned his worst clothes (which
were also his best),
W ^ A man unendowed with superfluous pelf,
But thoroughly bent on enjoying him.
So he waked up the missis," and called
to the brats,"
S And told them to put on their bonnets
S and hats,
To look pretty slippy, and get under
To spend a right down and no end of a
Then "ma" took a basket well stocked
with good cheer,
And 'Lizer, she carried the jar with the beer ;
And Joe, who was ten, had the baby to mind,
And Bobby and Ann had to toddle behind.
And "father," he led them all out of the south,
His hands in his pockets, his pipe in his mouth;
And, when they got lagging, encouraged the throng
By shouting impatiently, Hi I come along "
They scrambled along with their might and their main,
Because they were frightened of missing the train ;
They pounded along at the deuce of a pace,
And got very shiny and red in the face.
They crushed for the tickets, the whistle was heard,
They hustled and bustled and got in a "third,"
With twenty more women and babies and men,
They filled a compartment intended for ten.
The sun shone aloft in the outing's behoof,
And merrily blistered the carriage's roof ;
The men were all smoking, and great was the sport,
Till they all bundled out at the gay Hampton Court.
And there was a scene of extravagant joy-
Each girl was as romping and rough as a boy,
Each lad was all giggles and girlishness (that's
The reason they had for exchanging their hats).
They rolled on the grass and they got in the maze,
They shouted and screamed in a number of ways,
They bolted the sandwich, and swallowed the stout,
And carefully littered the paper about.
The young ones prepared to be dreadfully queer
By too much indulgence in gingerous beer;
They also took nuts, goat and cocoanut milks,
With acid-drops, gingerbread, winkles, and wilks."
Then father and mother, and 'Lizer and Joe,
And Bobby and Ann, and the baby must go
Along with some others and row in a boat-
And gracious knows how it continued to float!
Then, oh, for the wild uncontrollable fun 1
The crabs and the splashes (which soon were begun) !
The tangles they got into, working the oars I
The shouts of delight and hilarious roars !
They scratched over snag, and they bumped against pier,
They fell in the lock and went over the weir,
They sunk other boats with a hardihood staunch,
And were finally cut right in two by a launch.
As soon as they all were sufficiently dry
(The fun was near over, they felt with a sigh),
And night closing in, they went back by the train,
With thirty or so in the carriage again.
And, oh, it was truly a holiday ride I
The men they all smoked, and the babies all cried,
They played concertinas on constant encore,
And shouted and sang till their throats were all sore.
But now came the end of the pleasure and fun,
The basket was empty, the beer was all done,
The baby kicked up the most wretched of dins,
And father was slightly unsafe on his pins.
And mother was sulkily counting the cost,
And snapping at Ann because Bobby was lost,
And 'Lizer's new dress had got torn by the way-
Who wouldn't have holidays every day ?
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
WHEN COMPANIES FALL OUT.
MRS. CARNT GITTAWAY. Well, Jonas, I'm sure you could manage a
week or two at the seaside if you would make an effort. The poor
children are quite-
MR. CARNT GITTAWAY. My dear, good woman, haven't I told you
fifty times that the governor cannot spare me this year; and if he
could, we haven't any clothes; and if we had, we haven't any money;
and railway companies are not in the habit of conveying families for
MRs. C. G. Dear me I This beautiful bouquet for me, Susan ? _ust
left at the door by a railway porter ? How very strange; there must be
some mistake. No ; here is a little packet in the bouquet addressed to
me. Why, Jonas, it contains a most beautiful diamond necklace!
What can it mean ?
MR. C. G. Mean? I must say, ma'am, I do not understand your
receiving such presents as diamond neckl-- eh? The porter come back
with another parcel? Oh, for me this time. Dear me 1 if it isn't a gold
watch and chain. Now, who on earth can have-oh here's a little
scented note from the chairman of the London and South-Eastern Coast
Railway:-" Dear and revered sir,-I take the liberty of humbly beg-
ging you to accept the enclosed family ticket for the seaside. Should
you deign to honour and oblige your obliged and honoured servants, the
L. and S.-E. C. R., by obligingly condescending to travel on their
humble and respectfully obliged line, you would confer an everlasting
favour upon your ever devoted, obliged, and deeply gratified" humble
servant. P.S.-I will take the presumptuous and inexcusable liberty of
calling upon you personally to make all arrangements for your honoured
and esteemed journey. P.S. N.B.-Please do not be induced to travel by
a so-called 'line' describing itself as the Brighton and South-Eastern."
Dear me I-very flattering-eb, Susan ? Chairman of the Brighton Rail-
way waiting on the mat? I'll come down. Positively went
down on his knees, my dear, and begged me to travel by his line. I'd
always heard he was such a haughty and defiant person too. Not a bit
of it, my love-most humble, not to say cringing. Well, he implored
me to allow him to offer my employer a thousand pounds to spare me
for a fortnight, and to send me in a chest of new clothes for the family,
and to send an omnibus to fetch us and the luggage to the station; and
he's going to provide a special saloon train solely for our accommoda-
tion, with a train of attendants and a champagne lunch; and he will
make all arrangements for our stay at the best hotel, and pay for 'em;
and he handed me this trifle to purchase a few toys for the little ones-
good weight, isn't it ? All in gold-should fancy it's about five hundred
pounds, more or less. Well, my dear, I thought I couldn't refuse the
poor fellow, he was so importunate; so the 'bus is to be here to-morrow
after breakfast. By the way, he's going to send me in a dozen boxes of
cigars, and all the new novels for you.
MRs. C. G. Oh, it would have been most cruel to refuse him, my love.
Then there will not be anything for us to do but just to jump into the
omnibus and-. Susan says there is another chairman-of the London
and South-Eastern line-waiting for you on the other mat. Why,
my dear Jonas I how pale you look I Has the interview with the new
chairman upset you ? What mean these dreadful chains ?
MR. C. G. My dear, the chairman of the London and South-Eastern
Company has discovered, by means of detectives, that my great aunt
had a glass eye, and used to drink; and he says that, unless we travel
by his line, he will divulge ALL. So he has put these chains on me;
and there's a porter downstairs with a set for you and the children ; and
a horse-box is to be reserved for us at the terminus. It's very unpleasant
(as he admits); but he says he must have traffic at any cost. *
Simply unbearable in this horse-box I Ha I See Look I There is
an engine of the rival company bearing down upon our train I See the
mocking and demoniac grin of hate on the countenance of the rival
engine-driver I All is over !
AUGUST 5, 1885. FUN. 63
A LITTLE MORE BANK HOLIDAY.
THE CAPTIVE BALLOON.-INFLATION EXTRAORDINARY. THE TORY SKIPPER.-A NOBLE MARQUIS DISPLAYING HIS AGILITY.
A HOLIDAY FATE. TURF CUTTINGS.
ON Bank Holiday TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN.
some lose their SIR,-It's just the way of the world, that it is. Not a word of con-
cash, gratulation, not the smallest tangible acknowledgment of my sagacity
And largely for (not so much as a diamond-ring), not even a line expressing gratitude
pleasure they pay, from anyone who followed my Portland Plate Tip, and won countlessly I
And some, in their Whereas, had it been as much of a failure as it was a glorious suc-
wanderings rash, cess, the amount of acknowledgment I should have received would
Are doomed to keep have been something tremendous. Never mind-Wild Thyme I Wild
losing their way. Thyme 1 Wild Thyme Who gave you absolute winner of the Port-
While some lose their land Plate ? And see, now, if you will pay more attention to my
heads at the bar, TIP FOR THE BRIGHTON CUP.
which dearly they THE Prophet feels inclined a bit to quarrel with the Fates,
"part "- He scarcely knows the horses, and he doesn't know the weights,
But my case is But still he's equal to
sadder by far, A dozen people who
/ For I, on that day, Are nothing but impostors and a set of addlepates.
lost my heart He thinks to put on Barnacles might be a wise "proceed,"
Methinks no surprise He thinks that Whipper-in is also very good indeed,
He has a weakness for
you'll display, The Eastern Emperor
hen Iace which Iou And rather thinks that destiny intends him to succeed.
sketched : So take the tip my masters, and my mistresses as well
'Tis a face made to (You bet just like your betters, if we credit what they tell),
steal hearts I think, Sir (or my dear "),
away- That you'll find the winner here,
But I don't want another's heart "fetched "- If not, he's with the others, which will rather be a sell.
Her large liquid eyes, pray you note,
Swift and lustrous the beams from them dart; Goodwood has been anything but glorious" this year. What with
Mark her ripe ruddy lips-her white throat- the Stakes failing for the want of entries, and the substituted Plate very
Can you wonder she pilfered my heart? nearly suffering the same fate, the unlimited successof mytips was the only
thing that rescued the meeting from utter mediocrity and shate. What
Oh. St. Lubbock, I often have thought the racing community would be without the countenance and assistance
That your day brought but revel and noise, of Trophonius, I don't know. I know, however, that I'm not going to
But this time to me you have brought write another word this hot weather until I've had a shower-bath and a
The best of terrestrial joys. clean drink, that will last me till next week, till then, I am, yours, &c.,
For I love I-and this damsel's my fate: TROPHONIUS.
Ah pleasing is love's gentle smart,
And fondly a chance I await O.K.-ble-it I
To ask in return for her heart I "O.K." with Americans means "all correct "-
And the term's used by us of the British persuasion-
TRUTH" states that Portugal has shown good sense in abolishing And "0 K 's" used by Mason and Co., we expect,
its peers. This would seem to imply that the Portugeese are geese only Because folks of all views are so careful to use
in name a O.K." Sauce and Relish on every O.K."-sion.
W To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or jay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
64 TTU N AUGUST 5, 1885.
VERY PRtOPhR PKlDa.
Mr. yuggins.-" LOOK 'ERE, MR, PHOTOGRAPHER, 'OW MUCH D'YER WANT TO .TAKE ME, AND THE MISSIS, AND THE KIDS
Photorafpher.-" WELL, I COULD TAKE A CARTE OF YOU FOR FIVE SHILLINGS."
Mr. Juggins.-" CART BE BLOWED I STICK US IN A WAGGINETTE I"
SONGS OF THE WATERING-PLACES.
My pen I'll drop and hie me hence, It may be true that Yarmouth fame Then, too, the place has old renown
Past boat-y Thames's far mouth, With grand dawns is not mated, For streets by change untainted,
To what, with little double sense, But, then, how grandly is its name For being quite a quaint old town
One may call roe-y Yarmouth. With prawns associated. With which to be acquainted.
Yes, I'll go down to Yarmouth, Yes, I'll go down to Yarmouth, Yes, I'll go down to Yarmouth,
To fresh, though fishy, Yarmouth- To brawny prawny Yarmouth, To fresh, though fishy Yarmouth,
Not very far, In London here, Many a wary
By G. E. R., 'They're far too dear- Antiquary
Is breezy, please Yarmouth. Of course, they're cheap at Yarmouth. Takes delight in Yarmouth.
I've always been, I beg to state, What more could brain-worn man desire Then, there's the beach where little Paul-
For single joys a voter ; Than such a diet pleasant ? No, Copperfield-was staying;
Then, may I not luxuriate Cerebrum re-instinct with fire And did not, at the wild waves' call,
On Yarmouth's fleshy bloater? By victuals phosphorescent 1 Ask what 'twas they were saying I
Yes, I'll go down to Yarmouth, Yes, I'll go down to Yarmouth, Yes, I'll go down to Yarmouth,
To fresh, though fishy Yarmouth, To fresh, though fishy Yarmouth, To mem'ry-haunted Yarmouth-
And there I'll stay And brighten thus Some vision sweet
Till cali'd away, On phosphorus, JIs sure to greet.
At breezy, please Yarmouth. At breezy, please Yarmouth. A fellow down at Yarmouth.
surface to the grate, and .C y 's E y
for cleanliness arid econ. CAUTION-If
omy excels all others."- C A U T 10 N.-I
Vie Lady's Pictorial. Cocoa thickens in the
BLACK LEAD -ISO-= GUARANTEED PURE AND SOLUBLE.
E. JAMES & SONS, Sole Makers, PLYMOUTH. GUARANTEED PURE AND LUBLE.
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at z53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August 5th, x885.
AubusT 12, i88. P..JN. 65
VOL. XLII.-NO. 1057.
66 F TJSUN. AUGUST 12, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
N- l IE GRAND.-There is not much
SEC;EC \ that is absolutelynewin Mr. Frank
'.II-X. Harvey's latest play, A Ring of
t /iron, the first performance of which
I \ (in London) took place here last
by a goodly supply of much that
is old I As a piece of workman-
ship it has its merits, and shows
Mr. Harvey's constructive skill in
a progressive light-being the
neatest and most satisfactory of
'& the series of domestic dramas he
) has given us periodically for some
time past; he has a sharp eye
for "situation," and a good stage-
knowledge which he has used with
SI 1IT appears, from the story Mr.
Harvey has to tell us, that Mary,
the Schoolmistress of an Austra-
i lian "clearing," hearing that one
S"Gentleman Jack" is down with
fever and deserted by everyone
THE GRA'D -THE UNEQUAL MATCH; (nobly leaving her school to its
A VICTIM OF SHE-CANE-ERY. own devices), flies to the rescue
and nurses him through it. This
accomplished, she prepares to resume her scholastic duties, but the
parents of her scholars, naturally preferring a teacher not given to inter-
mittent hospital nursing, refuse to send their children to school. Mary
seems surprised at this (1), but, being a woman of resource, explains the
situation to Gentleman Jack, and so works upon his feelings that he
marries her. Such a union could not result happily-and it doesn't;
goxded to madness by th" persistent advice and airs of superiority of the
woman whom he has rescued from starvation and disgrace, and who can
therefore afford to be philosophical, he runs away and leaves her, and
public opinion is so thoroughly wit h him in this matter that the other eight
diggers of the clearing take a parting glass smith him before carrying the
news to his wife. He has just discovered himself the successor to a baro-
netcy, and makes for England with a prospect of peace and happiness, far
from the designing woman who has entrapped him. There is only one
thing to cloud his jsy. He has, in ea-ly youth, and conveniently for
dramatic purposes, committed- forgery, "in an assumed name' (as he
tells us), it being the well -knwn practice of forgers to forge their own
names only, and he is occasionally haunted by the dread of discovery.
AT.RIVING in England, Gentleman Jack, now Sir John, is guilty of a
weakness-but the easy manner in which he fell a victim to Mary's
wiles shows him to have been inherently weak. Relying, no doubt,
upon the oft-repeated declaration of romantic heroines that "a marriage
without love is no marriage," he regards his union with Mary as such
and prepares to unite himself with another. But the relentless Mary
has followed him to England, and threatens to dash the cup of happiness
from his lips. Sir John naturally regards as mad a woman who insists
upon passing her life with a man she dislikes and who dislikes her, and
most properly resolves to place her in a mad-house. With thoughtful
kindness, and in order to do this with the least amount of physical and
mental pain to her, he administers a dose of chloroform; but, in his
tenderness of heart, he seems to regard this as taking almost too great
has he ad-
form than he
usual means ,' il I 1'I I -
of resuscita- I i) I
opens the '
MAR Y, Z-, r r
tent upon 'J)? l -- ,,---
fresh griev- '
ances, obsti- HE OLYMPIC (MORNING).-" THROUGH THE FURNACE." THE
STALLS WEREN'T AS EMPTY AS THIS, BUT OUR ARTIST DOESN'T
nately re- THINK ANYBODY ELSE WORTH SKETCHING WHEN HE'S THERE.
"come to," and is successfully lodged in Marwood House, where she
upsets everything and everybody, particularly Her Majesty the Queen,
who is there disguised as a Nurse, and finally escapes by means of
chicanery-or she-cane-ery-with the assistance of a meddling doctor,
his sister (who, by her own showing, is not much better than she should
be), and a violent-mannered Yorkshire washerwoman with an American
accent. Of course she interrupts the wedding, and the meddling doctor
having ferreted out that nom deplume forgery, poor Sir John is hurried
into captivity by two bashful gentlemen who look properly ashamed
of themselves. I suppose, after this, poor Sir John dies in captivity or
something, and Mary marries the meddling doctor (and serve him right I),
but I'm not certain because I didn't wait for Mr. Harvey to tell me
any more. _
Miss L. BALDWIN looks handsome, and shows intelligence and
experience as the artful Mary, but she sometimes raises and strains her
voice, which is not a favourable one to begin with, till one's back-bone
creaks again. Mr. J. Carter Edwards is a monotonous-speaking, but
otherwise excellent representative of Sir Tohn. And Mr. Harvey plays
the doctor with the necessary hearty bluffness. There is some good
acting among the other members of the company (which doesn't seem to
change much), Misses Eyre Robson, Polly Hunter, and Jane Coveney;
and Messrs. Benson, Kingsley, and Edmonstone Shirra leading the way.
There is a good deal of His Wife in the story by-the-way.
THE OLYMPIC (morning).-In order to see Mr. Howell-Poole's
Through the Furnace the other afternoon, it was necessary to go
through the profession," or a goodly portion of it, collected in the
vestibule; then you had to sit as still as you could and endure those
familiar smells from under the stage, that seemed more rampant than
ever-probably on account of the heat. But Mr. Howell-Poole's play,
though faulty enough in some respects, was worth listening to, for its
bright, fresh dialogue, and some striking situations; with a little
judicious knocking about" it should serve somebody's turn well.
BUT the detective was rather a corker This character, both on
the stage and in novels, is generally gifted with preternatural astuteness
(when he isn't abnormally stupid) but it has been left to Mr. Howell
Poole to raise him to heights hitherto undreamed of, and to give us a
being who is doctor, detective, coroner, magistrate, and judge all in
one; no wonder Mr. C. Fawcett (or should it be police Fawce-tt ?)
enjoyed himself I Then there was a furious bride-bridegroom struggle
(evidently adapted from the French) ; a lady who looked towards the
stalls and dress-circle and said she saw "dancing stars" (I looked round
and saw several "ballet ladies blushing powdery blushes at being called
"stars "), and several bits of breaking scenery.
MR. HOWELL-POOLE played his own hero carefully, and the Vivia
of Miss Alice Raynor was characterized by all the command of pathos
and resource she had taught us to expect; they both overdid it vocally,
though, sometimes. Mr. Phillip Beck, who is "quite a stranger," gave
us, with evident satisfaction, another of those villains of his. Miss
Ada Murray appeared as a wicked Countess, Mr. Fuller Mellish as the
"rightful heir," and Miss Houliston as Lady Norah Chetwynd, with
success. Miss Pattie Bell also did good service in a small part.
NODS AND WINKS.-Mr. Wilson Barrett has sent out a strong Silver
King company, which opened with success at The Grand Theatre in
Douglas, Isle of Man, last week, under the pilotage ot Mr. G. M.
Polini. Success to them, "it'S il-ver-King on an empty" purse, but
there's not much fear of that. NESTOR.
Very Pad Form.
[An Irish paper lately published some political information which it confessed an
Irish Member had taken from a blotting pad in the House of Commons.]
OH, Irish friend, oh, Irish friend, why did you thus behave ?
Each Briton, Pat, and Taffy, and each Caledonian laddie,
Must look upon such dodges with an aspect very grave,-
Such blotting-pad-ding business is a blot upon a Pad-dy I
[Mr. Walter Pater has published a work entitled, "Marius, the Epicurean; His
Sensations and Ideas 1"]
OF this new book of Pater's
No spinsters will be "slaters,"
For they'll say, This book should surely unto Hymen's altar carry us-
And we, for wedlock waiters,
Will say unto our Paters,
' Wherefore later wait, oh Pater ? Let our sweethearts Mari-us.' '
A FAVOURITE sea-side subject with admirers of the principal member
for Birmingham.-Bright-on Peers.
AUGUST 12, x885. F JN. 67
Lo I Rude Boreas, blust'ring railer'
(As the wind by bards is called),
Here attacketh many a quailer,
At its boisterous force appalled.
Promenaders on the jetty
Clutch their hats and bend like tree
Nymphs as fair as those by Etty,
Struggle vainly againstt the breeze.
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER.
LORDS, Friday, 31st July.-Princess Beatrice's husband attends, and
swears to obey his mother-in-law. Lord Wemyss, foreseeing the
Decline and Fall of the British Empire, places on record his solemn
warning. The unborn Gibbon doubtless will describe him as the
"Elcho Shield." Lord Milltown brings up Medical Relief Bill for third
time of asking, much to disgust of Granny," who holds up hands at
the "imperence of that forward imp."
Commons.-Prince Henry of Battenberg Naturalisation Bill brought
down from Lords and passed, though one or two members pertinently ask
if it is to be antecedent to H. S. H.'s appointment to some military position.
Sir Richard Cross very cross ; but with Prince Edward of Saxe-Weimar
in command of the Brigade of Guards, Count A. E. Gleichen a coming
colonel in them, Prince Leinengen, Count Gleichen, and Prince Louis
of Battenberg admirals and big bosses in the Navy, John Bull is not
unnaturally anxious to know where he would be in the event of a row
with the Kaiser. Perhaps, however, the interesting young man will
only have a palace and the mere rangership of a park, with the right to turn
English taxpayers out of it, a la Prince Christian and the Duke of Teck.
St. Lubbock's Day.-Lords make this a River Bank Holiday, and
discuss the Thames Bill at length. Lord Mount-Temple moves the boat
that boat-houses-stay, FUN'S getting mixed-moves the House that
house-boats shall not be allowed to remain at anchor more than forty-
eight hours in front of riparian residences. Lord Bramwell moves to
keep them "moving on," like poor Jo," for ever; but floating habi-
tations eventually granted forty-eight hours' grace.
Commons.-Mr. A. J. Balfour instructs the House in the mysteries
of making gas. Best gas factory FUN knows is the House itself.
Criminal Law Amendment Bill passes through Committee. Ladies in
So'wildly is the wind behaving,
That upon the jetty now
Hats are flying-tresses waving-
And strong men like saplings bow.
Boreas, fair frills displacing,
s; Showeth ankles trim and neat;
In short, the breeze so bold and bracing,
Nearly lifts folks off their feet.
gallery much occupied in buttoning their gloves-much better occupied
at home. Scotch Education Bill introduced. Tory sprat to catch
Tuesday. -Lord Wemyss anxious for friendly tribes in Soudan. Salis-
bury re-assures him. Anxiety quite unnecessary, there are no friendlies
now. England's friendship, once the pride of weaker races, is now too
costly a luxury. As in Africa, so in the Soudan, one half of friendlies being
abandoned to death and disaster, remainder don't think the distinction
worth the risk,
Commons.-Land Purchase Bill. Thin end of Land Nationalisation
Wedge. Some day, perhaps, legislators will remember existence of such a
class as English Tenant Farmers, but why trouble itself for a class that
pays its rent, respects the rights of others, and holds human life sacred ?
Wednesday.-Beginning of the end. Expiry Laws Continuance Bill
read in Lords. Lord Denman makes one gallant but futile last charge
in favour of ladies of England. May his lordship add many more
summers to his eighty, and some day conquer in the battle he is so
Commons.-Latest Egyptian Mummy, our policy once more under
dissection. Irish members inquisitive regarding Errington's mission to
Rome-Sir Pat O'Brien up. Mauvais quart d' heure for Nationalists.
Thursday.-Affecting episode in Lords. Bramwell reads letter from
a friend afflicted with a riverside residence. Prospect of eternal house-
boat being the only prospect from his French windows. Too much for
him. The very willow on his lawn is weeping. Third reading of Thames
Bill consequently adjourned till Monday.
Commons.-Rajah Randolph on the rampage. The great Indian
pickle. Calls in "Alliteration's artful aid," and overwhelms Ripon
and Tennyson with Lulled by the langour of the land of the lotus."
THE COMPLETE TOURIST.-II. THE CONSIDERATE PARTY.
We are passionately fond, of him I When we first came across him he was
waving adieu to a friend, and hacking with his stick, so held as to poke out any
eyes which appeared to be in the way.
Next time we met, it was on a steamer. He was crushing prostrate sleepers
beneath his iron heel on the way to his bunk,
It is at hotels that we love and revere him most. Having carefully selected From one a.m. until two a.m. he amuses himself by flinging his one-ton boots
a chamber over everybody else's head, he retires to it at midnight, and strolls into the passage outside his door.
about.the thin floor in his boots, till one a m.
At two ahm. he commences the recreation of playing at "putting the stone" One morning he had a grievance, poor fellow "Look here 1" he said; "the
with his portmanteau, with interludes of dragging the chest of drawers about, landlord says all the hundred and fifty visitors in the hotel have refused to pay
for their rooms last night because they couldn't sleep for the row I made. I-just
fancy I And the fellow wants me to pay for all the rooms, as somAbody must 1" Just then those hundred and fifty advanced in a dense and angry
cloud to duck that Tourist In the stagnant pond. Poor fellow And to think we should have lent our assistance to such an outrage too I
AUGUST 12, i88s. F JN 69
SOMETHING LIKE (C)ANOE-SAUCE!
She (raturously).-" OH, I SHOULD SO LIKE TO CANOE OVER THE CHANNEL I WHAT A GLORIOUS APPETITE IT WOULD GIVE ONE."
He (fractically).-"YES; BUT BEFORE YOU PROCEEDED FAR ACROSS THE CHANNEL YOU WOULD MEET WITH SOME CHOPS' THAT
WOULD TAKE YOUR APPETITE AWAY."
[At this she threatened to hate him evermore; but she didn't, for they soon started canoe-dling.
IN order to benefit those
Indulging in holiday trips
In search of enjoyment and sun,
Has collected the following tips :
By these you can see at a glance,
The plans for the holidays which
Are made for the party who roves
By the coves
Who have the arranging of sich,
On the Shuntham and Shatterham line,
Of easing the holiday strains
And meeting the rush, they intend
Some ninety per cent. of the trains.
But the issue of tickets will be,
You will see,
Without any possible stint,
As several tons of 'em more
Than of yore
They have had the discretion to print.
For such as delight in'a trip
In a ship,
The paddle-boat "Halfpenny Roll,"
(Magnificent craft with saloons,
And funnels, and bunkers for coal;
"Whose man-at-the-wheel is retained
And supreme conversational skill,")
Will sail for St. Slop on the Slime;
And the time
May be seen by consulting the bill,
As well as the fare that they fix-
But they strangely omit to declare
The several items you pay
On the way,
Not covered at all by the "fare."
Thus, sixpence a-head you may note
For the boat
That takes you aboard of the ship ;]
And sixpence again as you land
On the strand
When you get to the goal of the trip.
Then, say that the steamer can ride
On the tide,
And sidle sufficiently near,
There's threepence to pay on return,
You will learn,
For getting aboard from the pier.
Returning, the steamer's too late,
They will state,
To carry you over the bar;
But still you can charter a skiff
In a giff,
As the distance is not very far.
At the price that the
boatman '11 fix- i i
-Two and six-
You'll possibly grumble
and stare; ;ii
But the rower alludes
to your eyes,
He has nothing to do
with the "fare."
Then Messrs. McSwin-
dell and Cheete,
The /lite ,
Of eminent catering
Have thought of the
tripper, the feeds
That he needs,
And heeded his liquor and smokes.
They've saved him a special consign-
Ment of wine,
Which shippers had rashly condemned
(For thrift is our worthiest guide;
And the tide
Of extravagance ought to be stemmed).
Of sweepings, and grindings of bone
And of stone
They've ordered a number of tons,
The which, intermingled with chaff,
Will nourish the tripper as buns.
Some thousands of gallons of beer
That was queer
And offered to merchants in vain
They'll sell to the traveller curst
With a thirst-
And it's likely to give him a pain.
These tips are authentic ; and more,
By the score,
We have in our mind : but enough's
Been said in the case, for we find
We are kind-
Ly bestowing gratuitous puffs I
CRITICS are cruelly premature in predicting
that Mrs. Langtry and Miss Fortescue will al-
ways be second-rate actresses. The ladies are
both young yet. Even critics (dramatic and
artistic) sometimes develop signs of tip-top in-
telligence-as they grow elderly.
GENERALLY ON THE BOARDS."-Carpets,.
FUJN.,bUGUST 12, 1885.
'N' / K"
Lord S,-"HI! STOP, YOU ARE GOING
OO FAR; STICK TO THE BEACH."
72 UT N AUGUST 12, Is885,
A SEA-SIDE STORY.
When I saw that vision fair
And repose no longer lingered in my breast
As, last year, I
By the sea;
Where the wave-
Gay and free,
I happened to
A face of fault-
dream did it
While that face's
dered on in
I had gone for
change of air,
And for rest;
And I watched
With their little
legs all bare,
I had started, fancy-free,
To that part;-
And, till we met by Fate's decree,
I'd a heart ;
But so fairy-like was she
(As you'll by her portrait see),
That transfixed I seemed to be.
By the dart
That Cupid finds so useful in his art!
Yes; my heart had gone away,
FUN, old friend ;-
And Hope,the slightest ray
But later on, one day,
We together chanced to stray,
Then my state, I beg to say,
'Gan to mend ;-
And this year we're here our honeymoon to spend,
Seat-eris Paribus I
[A daily paper says that Mr. Gladstone, on going into the House the other night,
sat on a back seat.]
THIS statement would seem on reflection,
A reference to Gladstone's defeat,
But, you'll find at the General Election,
That G will not take a back seat."
[A weekly review says that the Liberals must learn to keep their heads.]
THAT Liberals should keep their heads is true,
Lest haply they have cause anon to weep,
But, judging from some folks of Tory hue,
Conservatives have got no heads to keep.
"BEHIND the Footlights, or the Stage as I knew it," by W. C. Day,
is full of humorously written sketches of theatrical folk and their erratic
doings. The story called Shakespeare's Last Play (referring to a
dug-up drama entitled The Double Falsehood), will startle many
admirers of Avon's Bard, we warrant us. The booklet contains
some clever and comic illustrations by Mr. G. B, Lefanu, son of the late
gifted novelist of that name.
THE so-called extraordinary scene which took place on board a
steamboat following that time-honoured boat race, "Doggett's Coat and
Badge," is by no means unusual on the
lower Thames. A multitude of greasy
and gaol-cropped vagabonds abound on
board many of the steamers following
such races; rascals who are looking ,
out for every chance of picking a /
quarrel with the ultimate purpose of /
theft. The lowest courts in Drury
Lane are infinitely safer places to
frequent than the decks of some of
these boats. Men who value their
money and their skins would do well
to carry heavy revolvers with them
when venturing among such gangs of
thieves and sharpers; or, better still,
avoid such gatherings of scum alto-
WHEN "The International Club
Fracas Case" came on for trial,
Mr. Poland, the prosecuting counsel,
rightly wished matters to be patched
up all round, and wisely remarked that "under any circum-
stances such an inquiry could have but one termination." Meaning
politely, that verdicts of "arcades ambo" would have been returned.
A great deal of public time and public and private money have been
wasted over investigating a riot, which hardly exceeded the limits of
pot-house rows that unfortunately are taking place perpetually through-
out the kingdom. _
IT is hinted that the relations of the King of Bavaria have come to
the conclusion that the mighty monarch is not quite in his right mind,
and that it would be beneficial to place him under some little restraint.
What a horrible idea I
THE King of Bavaria is not mad; merely eccentric. He only sternly
refuses to permit any woman near his presence; persists in mistaking
the ends of wax candles for sugar-sticks ; spends thousands of pounds
on private performances at his Court theatre, which are witnessed by
nobody but himself and prying detectives, and builds innumerable
palaces that nobody lives in. It is an insult to human nature for rela.
tions and doctors to call trivial peculiarities like these signs of insanity.
We should like to see a British practitioner give a certificate for such a
patient's removal to an asylum. Wouldn't he have an action for libel
brought against him promptly. We live in a free country, where people
who like to eat poisonous toad-stools, under the impression that they
are custard puddings, must be allowed to do so.
IT is unkind of His Holiness the Pope to speak of our great little
statesman, Randolph Churchill, as Bardolph Corkhill. Randy Pandy
could hardly bottle his indignation on hearing that Leo had done so,
and said angrily, I suppose Leo XIII. means to insinuate that I am
intimate with 'bungs' and 'tell-bungs.' All I know is that relative of
the Pope's (a grandson, I think), who used to mix American drinks at the
Criterion, and subsequently started a place of his own at the top .of the
Haymarket, always said I was a very steady, sober, truthful, young
man. Wait till I get the two together, that's all! "
PRINCE LUDWIG FERDINAND of Bavaria, is now engaged in hos-
pital practice. He is rather a self-abnegating youth, and intends
devoting his noble life to attending destitute German princes who
become sick. His work will be hard-very hard,
RANDY PANDY is turning out the hot potato of the Conservative
party, yet though he scalds Salisbury's fingers, the Premier is frightened
to drop him; lest some thicker skinned boys pick him up.
THE Sublime Porte has ordered heavy guns to the tune of .66oo,ooo,
from Messrs. Krupp. These large cannons are for the defence of the
Dardanelles. Will they be fired against us, or at our enemy when the
Anglo-Russian war takes place? Nobody knows I Bismarck whose
opinion has been asked, said, It is impozzible to gif an opinion on ze
subject of zis profitable leedtle jobs vor Krupp. Whatdever ways zings
goes, I mak it goot for ze Germans."
QUITE a mistaken idea that the sensitiveness of a woman's brains
causes neuralgia," says a doctor; "it's false hair and too many hair.
pins." What a lot some of these medical men know, to be sure I
Wherever do they get their experience ?
AUGUST 12, 88F N. 73
DOWN BY THE SEA.
OLD SALT PEPPERED BY SOME YOUNG PICKLES. A SEA "TRIP." SEA-WERD AND HERMIT-CRAB.
Randy, the Recreant.
Oh I poor little Randy, once petted and praise
By all the Conservative folks, C- '
'Twould seem that your once loving friends aie amazed,
And are sadly upset at your jokes.
Your treatment of Liverpool makes them irate,
And your servant, poor Solly, feels sick ;
For you, who went up like a rocket of late,
Have suddenly dropped like a stick I
The Standard is now your most rabid of foes,
And the Times, your wild sway to destroy,
Declares that your tricks and your gambols are those
Of an "impudent, overgrown boy !"
And other Conservative journals of weight,
All haste in your coat holes to pick ;
Yea, you, who went up like a rocket, of late,
Have quickly come down like the stick I
When you were made Sec. of our Indian clime,
The Tory sheets shouted with glee,
And vowed you would soon be a statesman sublime,
But now-what a change do we see I
The Tory affection is transformed to hate,
For you play them so many a trick ;
Poor Randy I you soared like a rocket, of late,
And now you've come down like the stick I
VERY few single eye-glasses are now used in the House of Commons.
Goldrimmed spectacles being in vogue. They don't quite look so
jaunty, but they cover a multitude of after-dinner sins.
SOUVENIR of the Lakes of Killarney and Glengariff" (Thos. Nelson
and Sons). Those whose misfortune it is never to have been in Ireland
naturally rank among those who wish to go. Until they do so, this
delightful little book, with its twenty-four highly elaborated chromo
views and excellent description of the principal points of interest to be
seen in a six days' tour, will form a very good substitute. Those who
have been there could scarcely have a more elegant and in all respects
satisfactory souvenir.-" Two Loves in One Life" (London Literary
Society). This book possesses many passages of great power, many
touches of true tenderness, and considerable skill in construction
and characterisation. It is no mean compliment to say that
more polished and more perfect performances may be anticipated from
the author of so promising a work.-" Life's Changes," by W. M.
(London Literary Society). Our desire to say something sufficient in
praise of the most smiling scenes in Life's Changes is changed by an
inclination to smile at some of its most serious parts. Nevertheless,
students of life may find plenty of "change" here.-" Zig-zag"; a
Quiet Story, by Gertrude M. Ireland Blackburne (London Literary
Society). The title may be zig-zag, but it is a very straightforward
story. It displays great insight into character, analysis of mental
motive, and power of portrayal. It is a work that leaves a vivid im-
pression of the writer's ability, and is a forecast of greater things to
In the Englisk Illustrated of this month is completed "The Pil-
grimage of the Thames," delightfully written by A. Hastings-White,
a young gentleman whose abilities have hitherto been in advance of
his opportunities. It is deliciously illustrated by Lucien Davis, whose
talents are as conspicuous as the author's. We are justified in ex-
pecting that the future opportunities of both will be as great as their
"DRINK, BOBBY, DRINK!"
Polite Bobby.-" WANT ANY ASSISTANCE, SIR?"
Festive Party.-" YESH! WANA KNOW WHERE CAN GET SHUM RE-
FRESHMENT. CAN Y'TELL USH?"
AUGUST 12, 1885.
In Deep Waters.
AT this holiday-season when some, if not most,
Of us seek recreation awhile on the coast,
It comes easy to mix
Seaside habits and tricks
As reckless a youngster as ever was seen,
Lord Randolph seems driving a bathing.machine,
And, regardless of shout,
He is taking it out
Too deep, no doubt.
Though the bathers inside, hardly able to swim,
View the waves with dismay and are howling at him,
Let them curse and confound,
They must struggle to ground ;
Or else be drowned.
And therefore 'tis scarcely surprising that they
Who perceive it should wonder a bit, by-the-way,
If the Government be
Safe in any degree,
Or quite at sea.
[The Figaro, which is usually more Tory than otherwise, asks, "Is
the Conservative party worth preserving?"]
"Is the Tory party worth preserving ?'
77his suggests it is a sham-
And yet its quarrels so unnerving,
Already are to some "real jam 1"
AT Ramsgate this week is our Howard Paul. He'will
make you laugh even as he did the Prince when h- came
back from Ireland. Howard Paul, what with Miss Laura
Clement, Messrs. Gerard Coventry, and Arthur Walcot, gives
an excellent show. Next week he will be at Eastbourne, after
that at Southsea and Bournemouth. You should go and hear
the Door-knocker Duet with Laura Clement. It is good-
A MAN OF LETTERS.-The Postmaster-General.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL PREPARES FOR THE
CIRCUMSTANCES, Sir, over which I have no control, render it im-
possible for me to spend the "Glorious Izth" in Scotland this year,
"But," as the poet says-
"Shall I, wasting in despair,
Die because I am not there?
Certainly not, Sirnd, as a matter of fact, I have for some days past,
with the aid of a "playwrighting" friend, been busily engaged in
"adapting" my mind to my circumstances.
As you know, Sir, my imagination usually goes a long way; and I
flatter myself that my arrangements for "the Twelfth" leave little to be
desired, I say "little" to be desired advisedly, for the use of that term
surely implies I do not desire "Moor."
Here, then, is my programme for the day. As day breaks on the
morning of the festival of St. Grouse, I shall be roused from my
slumber by our maid-of-all-work betimes, who. thanks to my careful
"waking," will rat-tat at my door i la "John Knocks" and call on me
to rise in a broad Gaelic accent.
I shall thereupon raise my head from my pillow, beneath which there
will be several of Mr. William Black's Scotchiest novels, and throwing
myself into my suit of home-spun tweeds, and, donning my Glengarry,
I shall proceed to take down my Shakespeare and read through Othello
before I eat or drink.
By this means, Sir, I shall have gone over my Moor before breakfast I
Believing, as I do, in the influence of small accessories on imagina-
tion, I shall substitute a bag-" pipe" for my ordinary matutinal
cigarette, and set out for Leadenhall Market betimes. The Mountain
Dew which it is usual for the sportsman to brush from the heather on
such occasions, I shall be careful to lay in beforehand in a gallon jar ;
whilst I mean to make up for the absence of the "Flower of Scotch
Gillies," by the presence of a whole bunch of Gillie Flowers."
I shall be accompanied to Leadenhall Market by the beaters" I
have hired (to be frank with you, Sir, they are carpet-beaters," but
they have assured me they're ready to beat anything-from their wives
upwards), and I hope to return home with a well-filled "bag" whilst
the day is yet young.
By these means I hope to be in a position to be able to decide whether
the birds are "strong on the wing," or under the wing-either, for that
matter-in time to send off a dispatch to the Field by the evening post.
In case I grow very excited at the result of my day's sport, I shall
assume the uniform of a London Scottish Volunteer, lent me by a friend
in that corfs, and take big pinches of snuff from a "mull," as the day
Should I still feel an insatiable desire for more sport after dinner, I
shall go in for a "grouse drive." N.B.-My fare by Tram and 'Bus
to Leadenhall Market and back is only tenpence I Or I can "drive"
for the grouse in a hansom for half-a-crown I
I have not the slightest doubt that by the time night falls on the
"glorious Twelfth," I shall be feeling intensely sportive and supremely
And it will not be my fault, Sir, if the Lord Advocate and Professor
Blackie do not come to supper.
I forgot to tell you that the billiard-marker is coming round to me
from the Kingsland Arms in the morning. Seeing what his normal
duties are, I think he ought to make an excellent "game "-keeper.
If I date my letters to you on and after the 12th from my Shooting
Box on the Highlands," it will imply that I have taken my gun-case up
to the top attic and am using it as a writing-desk.
I am reminded that the French poet sings-
Nous revenons toujours,
Aux premiers "moors" I
But the French poet does not sing the truth, Sir. How can we, for
instance, return to our "first moors," or our last ones either, if we
cannot raise the money even to pay for a ticket to Perth ?
One more question, and I have done, Sir. Tell me, then, Sir, if
you do not think that it would be only natural to describe a brilliant
Scotch view as a "Black" prospect?
AU7GUST 12, I885. FIU N 75
THE TITLE SEASON.
IN THE SEA OF HONOURS. SPORT.
SIR JAMES LINTON, THE NEW WATER-COLOUR KNIGHT, IN THE MAGIC CIRCLE OF BIRDS VERY PLENTIFUL THIS
TITLED "ARTISTIC MERIT." YEAR.
THE SAILOR'S CONSTANCY. TURF CUTTINGS.
A SONG FOR THE SEA. TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
WE lads who sail the ocean SIR,-I suppose I need scarcely mention that my Brighton Cup':Tip
To many climes resort, was as successful as could be expected,-that is to say, it gave the- first
And have, by landsmen's notion, horse clearly and unmistakably. What was the first verse of that tip ?
A lass in ev'ry port; Brag, Sir, nothing but Brag I And what was the first horse in that race ?
But though affection tickle Brag, Sir, nothing but Brag I bless him I and here's his jolly good
The rover of the seas, health, and my
Oh, never call him fickle as TIP FOR THE PRINCESS OF WALES'S CUP (at Kempton Park).
The never changing breeze.
And never cry, "Oh, fie, mate I "or regard the thing as strange, Oh I the sun may unbuckle its scorchgest rays
It's just a thing of climate that affections veer and change, To descend on the head of the feeble old man,
And though we shift our fancy when in other lands we roam, And engender a thirst, which in various ways
We're always true to Nancy, boys, as soon as we get home. He attempts to subdue with the cup and the can.
Yea, the rays may descend for a fortnight on end,
We cross the broad Atlantic; And with never a hint or a sprinkle of rain,
A week or so from Cork And it's treating the Prophet, it is, like a friend,
We feel a passion frantic And, as long as he's thirsty, he'll never complain.
For someone in New York. 'Twixt the clink of the ice at the side of the cup,
Then, hey I! for the Pacific, And the prick of the bead o'er the palate that flows,
And Spanish maids we shape, The Prophet is carefully totting 'em up,"
And next our love's terrific for And winking and saying "he knows what he nose."
A lady at the Cape. Upon Kingwood it never is safe to rely,
But never cry, Oh, fie, mate &c. But I think he could win if he chose the attempt;
In land's devoid of shade, with And although Necromancer is best, in my eye,
The sunlight pouring down, From a similar failing he isn't exempt.
We much prefer a maid with But the bard on Insignia fastens a glance
Complexion rather brown; Of doubtful approval, approving in doubt;
And when this orb terrestrial And Iris, he feels, has a sort of a chance,
We sail neathh China's skies, And Aveline shouldn't be wholly left out;
The almond-eyed Celestials with And Dulcimer, even, may gladden our eyes,
Our feelings almaon'-eyes. Or handsome Reine Blanche be the queen of our days;
But never cry, Oh, fie, mate I" &c. But I'm rather inclined to prepare for Surprise,
A slave in Western Indies, Although, in such weather, there's hope for St. Blaze I
A lass in Carribee, There, Sir, I don't think you can expect more than that at the price,
An heiress in the Scinde is- especially with the thermometer at any height; and so, I am,
They've each a claim on me- Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS,
A Copt of haughty carriage P.S.-When am I to have a holiday? Eh? Whatchersay?
Reserves for me a smile,
And I'm a king by marriage of
A South Pacific Isle! Not a Bull-long Par.
But never cry "Oh, fie mate 1" or regard the thing as strange; 'TIs really a matter that passes belief,
It's just a thing of climate that affections veer and change. That in one thing the English and French tastes conjoin;
One maiden here we fancy and another when we roam, We English are fond of a nice loin-of-beef,
But when I marry Nancy, boys, she says I'll stay at home I While the French folks are proud of their own nice Bull-loin."
S to CORRasrPONDNTs.-The Editor does not bind im.self to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case sill they k returned unhst
accomnanird by a stamped and directed envelofe.
76 PTTJS. AUGUST 12, iss88s.
PREPARED FOR THE WORST.
Facetious Party.-" I SAY, BOY, D'YE THINK YOUR DONKEY WOULD CARRY THE TWO OF US?"
Boy.-"SHURE AN' I DO, SUR; BUT MAYBE YE WOULDN'T MIND LAVIN' ME ALL YER MONEY AND VALUABLES, BECAUSE, DON'T
YOU SEE, HE MIGHT BOLT WID THE PAIR OF YEZ INTO THE SAY AND GET DROWNED J AND SHURE THIN I'D BE ABLE TO BUY
SONGS OF THE WATERING-PLACES.
Sends a message to me,
The spirit of which is not rollicky;
And I fancy, you know,
'Tis not where I should go,
Were I bent upon finding the frollicky,
But, clean Clacton-3n-Sea,
I will celebrate thee
None the less, in my way, which is lyrical,
Going further a-field
For a subject to yield
Suggestions for numbers satirical.
0 0**** 00****** "ToNoA
Or maintains iti
*O n t.i 0 reputation
*14 in the treat.
9** ee000000@@ Neuralgia."
"Invaluable in facial Neuralgia. Has
proved effective in all those cases in which we
have prescribed it."-Medical Press.
9/9, 4/6., and 111-. Of all Chemists.
Though you don't get on fast,
You'll become old at last-
Meanwhile, some folks like juvenilia;
And, 'tis possibly true,
To prefer old to new
In some cases may be far sillier,
Have I said so before?
Prefer a cliff'd shore,-
But, of course, that's a taste individual;
I've some notions besides,
About lounges and rides,
But, to state them, I might, perchance, fidge-
Write as smoothly as a lead penell, and neither scratch nor spurt
the points being rounded by a now process. Six Prie Medals
awarded. Assorted Sample Box, 6d.; post-free 7 stamps, from
C. BRANDAUER A C .S PAN WORKS. BIRMINGHAM.
If you're not as yet grand,
You've a nice strip of sand,
Where the youngstersmay find gritty joyousness;
For myself, I'm not young,
And, of late, have more sung
Of good dinners, and less ofgood-boy-ousness.
But, 0 Clacton-on-Sea,
Take this good wish from me:
In the years, which are many, in store for you,
May your shadow increase,
May your shore bask in peace,
And the credit you've won produce more for
CAUTION N.- If
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves the
GUARANTEED PURE AND SOLUBLE.
MISCONCEPTIONS BY THE SEA.
78 FUT AUGUST 19. 1885
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
t.? < HE GAIETY.-Hope beat high
neathh many a snowy shirt-
front, as an audience, sugges-
tive of the revival of past
glories, crowded itself into this
house to see what the new
-management had done for it.
Some good things were in
store, and not a little clever-
ness was to be shown, but there
can be but little doubt that, if
most of those shirt-fronts re-
tired with glories little dimmed,
the majority of the bosoms be-
I 7 S neath them were crushed with
Brother Sam is so long-drawn
out as to become wearisome
and so out of date, that it has
THE GAIETY.-SAYS HE'S COME TO STOP. been found necessary to add
DON'T KNOW 50o MUC ABOUT THAT! an explanatory Lord Dun-
dreary's to the title-which
hardly serves its purpose, however. Those who remember Sotheen
pire, and gentle Nelly Moore, in the piece, may take a tolerant interest
in it, and be struck by the chip of-the-old-blockishness of Mr. Lytton
Southern. The plot, and the principal character of the piece, are of that
class which may pass very well in a one-act farce, but when elevated to
the dignity of comedy and three acts, become too heartlessly cynical to
be pleasant. Something of thing of this idea, I fancy, was in the mind of the
individual who indulged in one gentle and furtive hiss.
THE burlesque, even, scarcely mended matters; that, also, was too,
too long. The fault in this case may not be difficult of remedy, but it
is otherwise disappointing. The authors have gone about their work in
a half-hearted way. Some of their ideas are very neat and very funny,
but they seem to have been afraid, or unable to work them out with any
spirit-that's it, there's a want of spirit about the whole thing. The
"original music" is a great drawback, and cause of this. There's
nothing like a popular tune or two, in the choruses of which people
inwardly join, at any rate, and a rattling dance or two, to give a "go"
and swing to this class of piece. No less admiration to Mr. "Florian
Paschal's" work, nevertheless. A song for Miss Violet Cameron, in
particular, is taking enough for anything.
THE burlesque is by no means without humour, however, and affords
opportunity for two uncommonly funny performances-those of Mr.
Arthur Roberts and Miss Laura Linden. Mr. Arthur Roberts has had
many predecessors in "taking off" our great tragedian, and some have been
more successful, but this latest imitation has a quaintness of its own,
there is something excruciatingly comical in Mr. Roberts's manner of
taking his "reception" when he first comes on. Miss Linden's portrait
of Miss Terry is very different matter, however, probably mimicry was
never carried to such completeness; it is a difficult matter at first to
settle in one's own mind whether to yield to astonishment at the wonder-
ful fidelity of it, or to enjoy the
piquancy and humour of the "
thing; gestures and tones and h
mannerisms that one has scarcely ,
noticed in the original, but which
one recognizes immediately, are r
hit off with a wicked truth which -
is delightful, there is a charac- '
teristic limpness in the very pet- L.-
ticoat of this miniature Olivia .
To this impersonation, and the I --
popularity and kindred efforts of l- I, Ij
Mr. Roberts, any vitality the i.l ,
piece may show will be due. .
MISS VIOLET CAMERON plays -
with more than her usual spirit,
and dances a "step" as the ordi- 5
nary "burlesque boy" she
hasn't forgotten her singing TiE GAITVr A-LAVING DOWN THE
though. Nor has Miss Sylvia LAW(RA).
Grey (who unintentionally made
an old-fashioned "comic entry" by sliding on to the stage and falling
down) forgotten that skipping-rope dance of hers-about five years
ago I first saw it (it's a good enough dance, you know, in its way), but
the rope didn't catch in her coat-tails in those days. There's plenty more
talent in the cast-indeed, there's not a really badly played part in it-
Mr. T. Squire (the Squire), Mr. Jarvis (Moses), Miss Lesley Bell (a
plump vagabond), Mr. Corry, Miss Coveney, Miss Agnes Hewitt, and
Miss M. Rayson. But I don't think the Gaiety is going to get back its
"good old custom "-I fancy its going to Brough and Edouin and Miss
Atherton at the Novelty.
NODS ANDWINKS.-Afulminating femalehas been obliging the Theatre
(a magazine than which, I am sure, a more enjoyable, though a little given
to there not being enough of it. does not exist), with her opinion on taking
refreshments and cigarettes between the acts of a play; these opinions
being her own, she is quite entitled to hold them, and I should be the
last person to wish to deprive her of them ; but she makes them a text
for a cry of "selfishness," which is not uncommon in some foolish
quarters, against the person who dares to leave his or her seat between
the start and finish of a three hours' performance. This cry of "selfish "
from people who find it a great hardship to lean back in their seats and
draw back their toes for a moment, in order that some one who dis-
believes in unnecessarily remaining in a cramped sitting posture and a
vitiated atmosphere may seek relief for his limbs and lungs, is palpably
ludicrous-not that the object of a person's leaving a seat has anything
to do with the matter. As a matter of fact, in the vast majority of
the London theatres, individual leaving of seats, if conducted on the
mutual concession principle, and the good humour of good breeding,
need incommode or distress no one, hysterical selfishness to the
contrary notwithstanding. Messrs. Jones and Barrett's new play,
Hoodman Blind, was due at the Princess's last night. Several people
have discovered ththe title is another form for Blindman's Buff, and
keep on affording us the information; 'pon my word it's really very kind,
don t you know.-The School of Dramatic Art has departed, R. I. P.
-Last Thursday saw the fiftieth performance of Mr. Grundy's Silver
Shield, this capital play looks like getting the long run it merits, it has
almost tided over the worst time of the year, and may soon expect to
be in the smooth waters of Autumn.-7The Broad Arrow, by Gerald
Holcroft (a good name for a dramatist), is the title of a drama to be
produced at the Standard on the 7th proximo, let us hope this arrow
will hit the mark. NESTOR.
The Grand Old Sunbeamer.
[Mr. Gladstone is now cruising in the Sunbeam in company with Sir Thomas and
BEHOLD, the gay face of the Grand Old Sunbeam,
(His Grand Old Collars, pray also note,)
All his Grand Old Features with Grand Old fun beam,
As on the briny he goes afloat.
Yea, the Grand Old Sunbeamer, full of glee,
Hath removed his rays from the land to the tea.
He is cruising about in the Norway regions
With his host, who, though Brassey," is not too bold-
And the earnest wish of his loyal legions
Is that he'll return in fine form as of old.
And that G., as a leader, who ne'er is base,
May again shed his rays in "another place."
AUGUST 19, I885. FIUN. 79
Lo here are certain ladies,
Disporting in the sea;
And one of them afraid is
Her friend is bold," for she
Is on the steps revealing,
A dress of French design,
Which aims not at concealing
The female form divine.
Says the first, in accents scathing,
That costume so grotesque,
You say, is meant for bathing,
Say rather for Burlesque !
For brazen stage-belles, knowing,
No other means to shine,
Oft don such dress for showing
The female form divine."
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
HEIGHO I" sighed Mrs. Blunderberry, handing the newspaper
across to her lord and master, and knocking her egg over to smash on the
new carpet. "Heigho I Here's Mr. Gladstone all at sea again I"
You know everything about it, don't you?" grunted the great and
good man. "All you want.is a stove-pipe and a steward to be a steam
yacht. With your knowledge of aquatics and your inabilityrto make
your accounts balance, all you need is a straw hat and a hornpipe to
become a Lord of the Admiralty."
"But, Solomon, the paper says he's gone on a Sunbeam!/"
"Yah Think the Prime Minister's an elderly fairy in shirt-collars,
I suppose ? Fancy he's a kind of political Puck, don't you ? What put
it in your head that it is consistent with the dignity of England's
greatest commoner to get astride a sunbeam, and put a girdle round the
earth in forty minutes? Think Sir William Harcourt answers in private
life to the name of Mustard Seed, and takes his recreation every evening
sitting on a mushroom in the dew? What you don't know about fairies
ain't worth knowing. A pair of wings, a yard of muslin, and an utter
disregard to rheumatism is all you need to qualify for Titania."
Oh, that would be nice I" cried Mrs. Blunderberry clapping her
bands. "Just like the poor players and their pastoral symphony in
Coombe Wood; and if I'm Titania, dear, you shall be that nice, good-
natured man she was in love with-you know."
"No, I don't know, and I don't want to," growled her lord,
"Oh, yes, Solomon-the one with the donk6s:'s head "
"Bah !" grunted Mr. Blunderberry.
Oh, it would be charming," continued his better half, oblivious to
everything else in the mental picture she had conjured up. Tripping,
tripping, tripping-like they do on the stage,"
"Ughl You'd be a nice one to take for a trip," interrupted her
And yet, we, with our Artist,
Must in a sense agree-
That Stage dress is the smartest
And brightest of the three ;
For the "Sacks some girls adore so,-
(When wetted by the brine),
Show just as much-or more so,
The female form divine.
Oh, how dear and good of you, Solomon," cried the wife of his
bosom, as she trotted round to kiss the top of his head. "How very,
very kind of you. I never dared mention a word about going away this
summer, because you said that money- or people-or things-I think it
was the people-in the City were so tight. Where shall we go ? There's
Switzerland and Herne Bay, and there's the loveliest travelling costume
in Sarsnet's window, I was looking at it yesterday, and I only want- "
"Will you howjertongue I" shouted Mr. Blunderberry, who had
fallen back in his chair in speechless astonishment at this unusual out-
burst of eloquence. What's the woman talking about Think you're
a barrel organ bound to grind out the same old tune for a twelvemonth?
As for your train of ideas--"
"What train, dear?" interrupted Mrs. Blunderberry. Never mind,
I'll be ready in time, only tell me where it starts from."
The train to which I referred, Mrs. B.," said her husband, oracularly,
"starts from nowhere, and after expending a great deal of steam in
puffing, and panting, and shrieking, arrives nowhere."
"Lor I said Mrs. Blunderberry,
"Yes, Mrs. B.," continued her lord and master waxing wrath, "and
that train and you, ma'am, are in the same boat."
I'd just as soon go by boat Solomon, if you prefer it, and-and-are
quite sure it won't be rough."
"Rough I You don't like it rough-eh? Prefer to have things
smooth I Smooth? Why, hang me, ma'am, six promises, two pledges,
and a denial are all you need to make you smooth enough to be a
Member of Parliament seeking re-election. Smooth ? Why, if you
were only kept in a refrigerator, people might skate on you."
And Mr. Blunderberry upset the flower vase on the breakfast table
by pulling out the best rosebud for his buttonhole, and ambled down the
gardenpath with the conscious air of a man who had nobly done his
80o IT N. AUGUST 19, 1885.
OUR sympathies are with that infuriated bovine animal who recently
made a successful raid on a bull-fight audience at Vittoria. Considering
the arena, it would be rather hard lines if
now and again one of the unfortunate quad-
rupeds did not have a "look in," and turn
the tables on some of the degraded two-legged
creatures who gloat and revel in witnessing
scenes of agony and death.
MR. W. O'BRIEN, M.P., is getting very
fierce. He has informed some Sheffield folk
R that "either Ireland will have to be allowed
Sto rule herself, or Ireland will, and can, rule
.^ ,England, and rule it to her ruin and destruc-
tion." The majority of his audience seemed
enthusiastically delighted with this high-
flavoured tit-bit in the dish of idle nonsense
W. O'B. served up. It would have been death to have called attention
to the coincidence that Brien and bunkum both begin with B.
THE French Citizen Leboucher is a nice lively Anarchist when on
the rampage, but though his brays sound so terrific, they do not alarm
anyone particularly. Wholesale murder, arson, and rapine are neces-
sary to save France from destruction, says the citizen; and while he
regrets that only 64 hostages were killed during the late Commune,
this "patriotic" speaker consoles himself with the belief that the next
time Communists will be able to slaughter hostages by the thousands,
and so bring the bourgeois to their senses. This merry next time may
be long in coming, and meanwhile poor Citizen Leboucher may fret and
fume himself to death or rust away. We can suggest an excellent out-
let for his superfluous energy-he should become converted and enlist
in the ranks of the Salvation Army as a chucker out" and bully. Of
course there would be small chance of his killing anybody, but he
might be able to maim a fairish number of humans with impunity.
THE bare idea of an Anglo-Chinese alliance being mooted raises the
ire of Frenchmen to boiling pitch; and the mere notion of an Anglo-
German alliance being advanced, is an insult -only to be wiped out by
"bluud I" One Gallic journal kindly advises the whole world to com-
bine and shut us out in the cold, as we are "a nation of perfidious,
narrow-minded, cold-blooded, hypocritical, piratical, psalm-smiting
cut throats, who blandly pose as social reformers," How's that for
AN arithmetician has just published a book on the art of computation,
in which he proposes to do away with the rule of subtraction. His
proposal has given intense satisfaction to the majority of small school-
boys, who fervently hope it may be carried into effect. Mostly, boys do
not love arithmetic. In our young schooldays (some twenty odd years
ago), the science of numbers and the cane went gaily hand-in-hand.
One of our arithmetic masters-we can almost feel his stinging stripes
now-used regularly to have an afternoon nap. On waking up he
invariably took two pinches of snuff, armed himself with a stout cane,
and strolled leisurely towards the last two forms of the class (each seat-
ing some ten boys). Having arrived at his destination he always turned
up his right coat-cuff with calm deliberation, smiling pleasantly at his
pupils. Preparations being complete, up and down the rear of those
two forms he slowly paced, bringing his cane with hissing swishes across
the back of each lad in turn; accompanying his cuts with the sound
advice, "stick to your figures, boys, stick to your figures." Having
thoroughly awakened himself, he sauntered back to his desk, with the
self-satisfied air of a man who feels proudly conscious of having done his
A FRENCH doctor has just performed a very curious operation.
Having removed a young lady's blind eye, he substituted a rabbit's.
The bunny's optic works, winks, and ogles excellently well. Made-
moiselle's gentlemen friends insist, however, that a sheep's eye would
have proved still more effective, and fetching.
A RAJPOOT HINDOO boy, said to have been born in Lucknow, has
been creating some sensation through India. The youngster possesses
a very large head, to which is attached a couple of bodies. These
bodies are not fixed side by side, as is usual in such shuddersome cases,
but are linked one behind the other. Sometimes, for a lark, the front
body carries the hindmost "piggyback;" at others, the rear body
gathers up the foremost's legs, and rushes rapidly about with the
burden. The head says it always feels very happy, and that squabbles
only ensue between the bodies, because they are unable to play leap-
frog without becoming almost hopelessly tangled.
A STUDY OF MODIFIED VIEWS,
HUMANITARIAN. How ? Sixteen hours of unrelieved toil
Each weary day ? No fitting interval
For adequate repast ? No holiday,
Save such as, months apart, are dearly bought
By forfeiture of pay,? What ? Galling fines
Imposed on slightest pretext, and for faults
That Justice needs must borrow chemist's scales
To weigh ? All this at fourpence by the hour ?
Out on such slavery I Away, I say,
With money-grubbing greed that thus doth grind
The gleaners of its-Hold, my righteous wrath,
While for a moment I consult my books
To learn if haply I- No, no I Not I
The London Tramway shares, I joy to find,
Stood, at the time I had some cash unplaced,
Too high for prudent purchase.
What was I saying ?
Ah I-out I say on "business enterprise"
That thus doth grind humanity to make
A balance-sheet-doth thus subordinate
One's fellow-creature to a dividend,
And plant the iron heel of five per cent.
Upon the neck of Mercy I Let me away
And tell contemporary editors
Of this most sable blot. Oh, I will write
To the committee of the Stock Exchange
And warn them, with indignant eloquence,
How the great column headed "Stocks and Shares"
Which in the daily papers rears its head
So proudly, hath a flaw, a secret blemish
Which doth so weaken it, that on a sudden
That great grey column, opening for a fall,
Weak, shall evince a downward tendency
At fast advancing rates; and, with a crash,
Shall fall with its stupendous capital,
And the imposing figures that adorn it
Lie shattered on the Money Market Place I
Then will I raise my voice at public meetings,
And beg the chairmen that they duly mark
Those meetings' sense of shame and indignation
At the existence of a state of things
In diametrical antagonism
To every sense of justice and of right-
The daily treatment of the tramway-men.
And I will up-Ah I Mr. Stox, my broker I
Good morrow, Mr. Stox.
MR. STOX. I called to say
That with that cash of yours I've bought for you
Shares in the London Tramways Company.
HUMANITARIAN. How lucky that you spoke of this in time,
Before I wrote those letters, and the rest !
Some silly agitation, I believe,
Exists about the Tramway Company's-
I may say our-transactions with our servants.
The merest twaddle It is true our men
Work nominally sixteen hours a day-
Are paid, in point of fact, for sixteen hours-
But are we, then, to count the intervals
Employed in whistling, on the driving-board
Or tail-board, or in breathing or the like,
Between the taking-up of passengers,
A time of labour ? Most distinctly not I
(Left defending the action of the Tramways Company.)
AUGUST 19, I88s. 8UN i
On Board the "Sunbeam."
ALL at Gravesend the yacht was moor'd,
Waved the Blue Peter in the wind,
When Miss Britannia came aboard-
Oh where shall I my own love find ?
Tell me, ye Brassey sailors, tell me true,
If my sweet William sails away with you ?"
William, who paced the deck (for choice
Abaft the funnel) to and fro,
Soon as he heard her well-known voice,
Ceased pensively to gaze below;
On to the bridge he sprang with hasty feet,
And quick as lightning did his sweetheart greet.
0 fair Britannia, lovely dear,
My vows shall ever true remain;
Let me kiss off that falling tear,
We only part to meet again :
Though Norway's compassed, yet my heart shall be
The faithful needle that still points to thee."
"Believe not what intriguers say
Who tempt with doubts thy constant breast:
They'll tell thee that I fly away
To chuck up politics for rest;
Well, yes, I chuck them up to catch them when
My cruising expedition's o'er,-and then I"
The skipper skipp'd and said Belay I"
The whistle made her jump instead;
Aboard no longer could she stay,
They kiss'd, she sigh'd, he scratched his head;
The steamer bore him off, whilst on the land
"Adieu !" she cried, and waved her lily hand.
Norton Jubilate l
NORTON, WILLIAM SAMUEL, shout
Hampden of the six and eights,
He has broke the ring right out,
Bowed the haughty goat's-hair pates.
No longer shall the counsel learn-ed
Collar fees and not attend,
First the dollars must be earn-ed,
Hail to Norton I Hails no end I
An Indefinite Art-icle.
[A weekly journal says that" Politics is now an Art-not a Science."]
AH, yes, 'tis an Art, not a Science,
At least in the Tory case ;
All Exact "-ness they set at defiance,
And are often an Art-ful race.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
IR,-There is a gentle flatness
about the sporting world just
at this minute, which makes it
rather difficult to find any
races important enough to in-
duce the mugs to do business
over. This week I'm obliged
to content myself with the
Stockton Meeting-not by any
means a bad meeting, either-
and give you a
-"--- .TIP FOR THE MIDDLES-
Let us lightly. let us merrily
and cheerily proceed
To examine all the horses
who've accepted for the
Let us ask about their exer-
cise, and how they take
And how they're off or glossiness, and stamina and pace I
The Major.-"BY JOVE I I MUST BE OFF. GOT AN APPOINTMENT."
Ist Chappie.-" GAY OLD RASCAL I HE'S GOING TO SEE THE WIDOW.
PREFERS LADIES TO LQRD'S."
2nd Chappie.-" AH I BUT THERE'S A MATCH IN VIEW, ISN'T THERE, OLD
3rd Chapie.-" YES I INSTEAD OF WATCHING MEN MISS CATCHES, THE
MAJOR'S GOING TO CATCH A MISSIs. DOES THE WIDOW TAKE MUCH IN-
TEREST IN CRICKET, ANCIENT WARRIOR?"
The Major.-" RATHER I YOU SEE HER TWO SONS ARE JUST TAKING TO
IT. NICE BOYS-ABOUT THE AGE OF YOU THREE, ONLY BETTER BRED."
Let us make astute inquiries of the parties "in the know,"
And ask them for the truth about their temper and their "stay,"
And if its the intention to restrain or let them go-
And don't you wish that you may get the information-eh ?
And when you have exhausted all such efforts quite in vain,
Return ye to the aged man, who's ever been your friend,
And he will make it plain to ye, in sunshine or in rain,
Which animal is foremost when the race is at an end.
Let Blue Grass have attention, though he's weighted over much,
Ben Alder is a gentleman who merits thought, I think,
And little Lady Adelaide may answer to the touch,
But Londonderry does for me, if coupled with Stone Clink.
Then hurrah I hurrah for Kempton Park I Right again, my noble
sportsmen I Plank down the dibs, and back the only Old Man. Who
sent you absolute second for the Princess of Wales's Cup? Surprise !
Surprise Surprise I Was it not ?
Yours, &c. TROPHONIUS,
SIR FREDERICK ABEL, C.B., has been chosen as the Chairman for
the Council of Arts for the ensuing year :-
They chose a man-their judgment very cute is-
A man whose Abel to fulfil his duties.
THE COMPLETE TOURIST.-III. THE HABITUE.
HE is always so enviably at home and in his slippers, so to speak, is this Tourist. You meet His is a painful story. Ha -here we ale," said he (as
him on the Continent; and something tells you that he has been saving up for that trip for twenty usual). "They all know me here. Pierre, and Alphonse, and
years in Peckham. Been hei e before ?" He says, "Bless you 1-thousands of times. Inhabi- mine host at the hotel will be beside themselves for joy at
tants feel quite strange when I'm away seeing me again."
But, unhappily, those thick-headed idiots at the hotel were not "fly" to that Tourist's little eccentricity. They failed to answer to the names of "Pierre" an so
forth, and regretted that they could not recall the face of monsieur, but were ravished to make his acquaintance." The shock was too much for the Habitue
e was never the same man again. The last time we saw him he was standing in his own front-garden at Peckham. Could you direct us to the Rye ?" we inquired.
"No," replied that Habitud miserably; "never heard of it. I'm quite a stranger here-never been near the place before."
PI T .-AUGUST 19, 1885.
ON BOARD THE "SUNBEAM."
William sings.- 0 FAIR BRITANNIA, LOVELY DEAR, LET ME KISS OFF THAT FALLING TEAR,-
MY VOWS SHALL ALWAYS TRUE REMAIN, WE ONLY PART TO MEET AGAIN."
-Black-eyed Susan. Improved version.
84 F UN. AUGUST 19, I885.
A PLOT WITH NO CLIMAX.
ALGERNON PHITZ was a flabby youth-
His complexion, olive green.
His manners and mind were alike uncouth;
And, save that his clothes were neat, forsooth,
Such a dolt was rarely seen.
Despite these faults, he had a heart-
A heart of gold, 'twas said ;
And he gave his heart to a ballet girl-
A minx that skipped in a giddy twirl,
With a flaxen wig on her head.
rhis girl, in whom he laid his trust,
His love, his life, his heart;
(Which by the way, was wellnigh bust)'
Was a wench who made a tremendous dust
In dancing a minor part.
Her eyes were dark-as dark as night;
Her nose was straight and rare :
Her feet were small, her figure slight;
In a word, she looked extremely bright
In the footlight's vivid glare.
Algernon Phitz was of noble birth.
Ah I a clever card was he I
There wasn't a play on the face of the earth-
A play that at least contained any mirth-
That he hadn't been to see.
Reginald Startz was a barber's son,
With means, of course, much less
Than Algy Phitz-the envied one !-
But he swore that he would not be done :
He alone would the girl possess.
Betsy Blight-that was
Was as artful, was
Was as proof against
all utter shame-
(And how, poor girl I
was she to blame ?)
As even you or I.
So when in turn they
came to woo,
She gave her hand
to each ;
And muttered lo "a
thing or two "-
'rwas heartless of her
so to do-
"I'll to these lamb-
With happy hearts and spirits gay
Their separate ways they took.
Arriving at their homes that day,
They wrote their Betsy B. to say-
(But she had slung her hook !)
They wrote in strains of deepest love;
They praised her to
They said she was the
That ever soared the
They told no end of
But all thispraise found
no reply ;
For she to whom
Had left her lodgings
on the sly;
(With no intentions,
To leave behind the
And when the truth
was known at
Of Betsy and her flight,
To Phitz and Stariz, they stood aghast,
And swore in accents wild and fast-
(They neither slept that night).
But when the sun had left its bed
So, too, had they lefi theirs.
A time for rising, be it said-
Or, as 'tis written, be it read-
Unrecognised for years.
They heeded not the clouded sky
That spoke of storm and rain;
Nor yet the wind, whose restless sigh
At length became a furious cry,
And shrieked and shrieked again.
The sun went in, and they went out
Their Betsy Blight to find ;
And by this time, I ve little doubt,
If they the right way went about,
Their homes are far behind.
This Doesn't Look (C)lub-ly I"
ON reading that the Americans are propos
ing clubs for the fair sex, one of our much-
married and apt-to-stay-out-late contributors
said he hoped the movement would not become
popular here. "By Jove I Mr. Editor, sir,"
quoth he, "I find that the kitchen-poker and
the rolling-pin have quite terrors enough; but
a club-oh, lor !"
A MEM. FROM THE MoORs.-Some Eng-
lish sportsmen in the Highlands are only
"scotched;" others, however, are "kilt
SOME SCIENTIFIC FOLK.
A GsoLoorsT. A TAxrnaueMrsv. AN ENroMoLoorsT.
- ------- -
AUGUST 19, x885. FTIJN 85
PENCILLINGS AT LORD'S.
Going in-Great Expec- Coming out-Bowled off Saving of the Boundary at the Lxpense of A Crowning Effort on the part of the Batsman.
tatinns. his Pad! the Masher
The advantage of being in the The "Graceful" Amateur and the Respectful Pros. The reason why Ladies never can understand
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK TOWER. bank from Hard Labour Dwellings to Industrial ones. But what lovely
addresses Industrial Dwellers will have I "Coldbath Cottages," "Mill-
FRIDAY, August 7th.-Lords read second time Metropolitan Police bank Mansions," and "Treadmill Terrace."
Staff Superannuation Bill. Perhaps next Session will produce Bill to Wednesday.-Lords and Commons convey thanks of the nation to
superannuate helmets, Certainly time staff was superannuated when soldier and sailor heroes of the Soudan-British, Indian, and Colonial,
opposed to revolvers. Britons all!
Commons.-Secretary for War tells Sir Henry Wat Tyler, or, rather, The guns are mute; the sword hath sought its sheath:
Sir Henry Tyler, what he is glad to learn, namely, that railway branch Britannia binds with grateful bays the brows
of army in course of formation. Naturally this branch of the service Of her dear sons, who, eager to espouse
being formed from Engineers, though they will of course be line regi- Her quarrel, swift as Cadmus' dragon-teeth,
In myriads sprang to arms at bugle-call-
ments. If railway companies are as bewildering to the enemy as to And for her loved ones sleeping now beneath
British public, Britons certainly never shall be slaves. Criminal Law The Soudan sand, she twines with tears a cypress wreath.
Amendment Bill read a third time. House glad to be rid of unsavoury Thursday.-Clock Tower resounds with winding up.
subject. Friday.-The light goes out in the Big Ben Tower, and the Clang
Monday.-Lord Iddesleigh gives details of Royal Commission on of the Clock Tower speaks for a space only in the voice of Time.
Depression of Trade. But why, my Lord, not have taken in your old
friend FUN ? Best antidote to depression in the universe I Lord Gran- New Leaves.
ville up in defence of Free Traders who have cut Commission on IN Longman's this month it seems as if "White Heather" makes
account of the Fair Trade aspect, thinking that England, without Free quite a "new departure."-In The Century, readers will regret that
Trade, would be betrayed. "Silas Lapham" is concluded, but something good will follow in its
Commons.-Well done, Mr. Chamberlain! When Dauntsey be. place.-The drawings by Harry Fenn in The last of the Seven Days
queathed his City of London properly for the poor of West Lavington, Battles are conspicuous for their talent.-If St. Nicholas had nothing
and for a free school, depend upon it, like many another testator, he more to charm us than "Little Dame Fortune," it would be no mis-for-
had no Charity Commissioners in his mind, nor did he intend to found tune-but, fortunately it has much more.-The measure of meritorious
a school for the children of parents who could well afford to pay for matter in Household Words is almost immeasurable.-Where all is so
their education. FUN wants to know how many schools endowed for very good in The Leisure Hour, The Sunday at Home, The Boys' Own
the education of poor children are closed against them, and only open Paper, The Girls' Own Pafer, and Family Greetings, we regret to think
to the "upper classes?" Irish Land Purchase Bill in Committee. that the coloured frontispieces in some of them are, as coloured work,
Horace Davey appropriately sounds the warning of outraged equity, not quite so good as they might be.
and Sir G Campbell, and others repeat what FUN said last week. ....... ...--.
Tuesday. -Marquess of Lothian obtains promise from Lord Iddesleigh READY ON THURSDA Y NEX T.
to communicate with National Gallery Trustees as to opening the Price One Shilling. Post-free, Is. ad.,
Gallery three evenings a week, so that busy Londoners may not be the "FUN'S" NEW NOVELETTE,
only class of Englishmen debarred from benefit of the priceless art D O N E I N T H E D A R K ."
treasures in the pepper-castor mounted casket.
Commons busy on Bill to transform Coldbath, Pentonville, and Mill. By ARTHUR T. PASK.
86 FIU N AUGUST 19, I885.
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
plenty of room in this carriage-why do you let
that great heavy man sit on you ?
MR. PROPPULLIE CORSHUS. Hush, for good-
ness' sake I You'll ruin me i he hears I I would
/ not offend him for the world !
BROWN. Well, but my dear fellow-it's one
thing to "offend," and another thing to allow
oneself to be sat upon There's a middle line.
MR. PROPP. COR. No, I assure you there
.J isn't in such a case as this. Don't you see his
dress? Haven't you noticed that he's a- ?
BROWN. Oh, yes; Iv'e noticed that right
enough-but what difference on
earth can that make, in the name
of all that's-
MR. PROPP. COR. What
difference What dif- "
Why-good heavens-all the dif-
) '" ference I Aren't you aware of
the awful the terrible the
(crushing-the mysteriously inde-
scribable, yet stupendously real
i 'power he wields? Is it possible
you don't know that, with the
,IJ merest wave of his little finger,
S BROWN. Well, but, hang it-
surely you're not bound to let him
sit on your best hat like that, and
then grin and wag his head warningly at you? Surely you aren't com-
pelled to allow him to leave the carriage like this, with your new silk
umbrella in his hand-by inadvertence, I am aware-but still, with
your beautiful umbrella, instead of his own shabby one ? Surely nothing
could possibly happen to you for simply calling a man's attention to his
MR. PROPP. COR. Pray don't urge me to compass my own ruin. He
may be a touchy sort of man, and it might deeply offend him-and then,
you know-well of course you do know what follows when you offend a
BROWN. What follows?" Why, I suppose, much the same as when
you offend any other party ?
MR. PROPP. COR. Good heaven's, no I Haven't you read that
dreadful tale about the Rev. Cokernut Adams and the Bad Man who
Would Not Go to Church ? Why, it's a thousand to one, that if I
went and offended this clergyman, he'd excommunicate me-think of
that I There now I I've-I've been and trodden on his
toe I See I He is feeling for something in his left-hand tail pocket-
Look-he is bringing out a bell-and a book-and a candle I He
places the three articles on the platform I He deliberately turns up his
sleeves I He lights the candle, rings the bell, and opens the book I He
traces a magic circle on the platform, and mumbles a lot of dreadful
Latin, backwards, with his awful eye-the top left-hand corner one-
fixed upon me. Oh, Brown; I begin to feel so funny I Tell me, am
I, am I shrivelling up ?
BROWN. Well, now I look more attentively, I fancy you are. Your
clothes do seem to be getting loose for you.
MR. PROPP. COR, Oh, Brown, the fearful truth is only too, too
apparent I Ha I He finishes up with a loud bang on a big drum,
hitherto concealed about his person. He has excommunicated me I
Oh, Brown, am I turning bright blue?
BROWN. Well, since you ask me, I regret to say you are. It began
at your ears, and is spreading gradually.
MR. PROPP. COR. Oh, Brown, what shall I do? What will my poor
wife say ? What will they all say in the City ? Do you think it would
do any good to consult a doctor?
BROWN. I'm afraid not, do you know. I regret to observe that you
are shrivelling up quite small. You are assuming the appearance of a
very dry French plum. You are developing claws and a tail. It wags
dismally. I know. Perhaps you might induce the Home Secretary to
prevail upon that dreadful clergyman to disinfect you-or exorcise you-
or whatever is required. What a dreadful thing, to be sure; and how
strange it seems that such an awful power should exist in the nineteenth
century, concurrently with telephones and the Inventions Exhibition,
and all that I
MR. PROPP. COR. Most curious, isn't it? One would almost have
imagined it to be a thing of the long-buried past I Let's go and have a
brandy and seltzer, and ponder over it.
"GROUSE" INGRATITUDE. -Leaving your sporting friends un-
thanked for the hamper of game received.
(A BALLAD ON AN APPROVED MODEL.)
YES, mister, I'm Six-shooter Boskins; a stranger you are, I kin see;
There ain't many folks in these diggin's as doesn't know Six-shooter B.
You've noticed 'em, maybe, all limpin', or short of an arm or an eye ?
I've damaged 'em mostly-the critters I-I've half-filled the graveyard
I'm not very handsome to look at; my nose is all battered askew,
One cheek has been sliced by a bowie (I riddled its owner a few !)
This gazer was gouged in a scrimmage, my chin is unshaven, I mind,
An' a less soap an' watery party, it wouldn't be easy to find.
I'd cheat my own mother at poker (there ain't many crimes as I'd miss),
I'm not very sober at present (an' I'm seldom as sober as this);
I'd lie the hind leg off a donkey, I bully and thieve when I dare,
An' some of my oaths is eye-splitters, when once I git well on the swear.
You bet I can't stand contradiction, I'm lightning' on not being sass't,
" A word an' a shot" is my matter, an', somehow, the shot isn't last;
I own up to bein' a blackguard, a coarse-minded cur an' no less,
I'm commonly, vulgarly vicious, but I've got my soft places, I guess,
You see that there cardboard box yonder? (I made it of aces and two's.)
What's that you say ? Like them fly cages as schoolboys' as in general
You're a sucklirg, I don't think I Eb, mister? It's bully for you, an'
Whar's your hand? Put it thar. An' now, stranger, I'll tell you th-
story o' that.
Make tracks for that graveyard I mentioned, an' pick out the quietest
An' say if you've met, in your travels, with anything queerer or not ?
A grave a inch long, an' no longer, a headstone half-a-inch high,
An' what do you think's underneath 'em ? Why, mister, a bluebottle
Ah, well I remember poor Bluey I And well I remember his end I
The pet an' the pride o' my leisure, A pet did I call him? A friend I
What gambols we'd go through together. I'd feed him, I would, from
I never forgot him his feedin', though often too drunken to stand.
I'd been on the drunk for a fortni't with Joe o' the "Tanglefoot" store.
I warn't in the softest o' tempers when the critter came in at the door,
But skunks had got hold o' his flyers an' painted 'em down to his side
An' so I took pity upon him an' fed him with sugar-an' cried I
He looked up so pitiful at me, no wonder my gazers went dim-
You see he looked perkily ugly, an' I was as ugly as him.
I stole Joe's play cards from his pocket, an' fixed up that cage, as you see,
An' we loved at each other uncommon, did that there bluebottle an' me.
But (I feel on the squeam when I tell it) at last poor old Bluey went sick,
There was physic enough at the store place but Joe wouldn't sell it on
I starved, an' saved up, an' I bought it-too late I Poor old Bluey
Then I went for that Joe with my shooter an' gave him all six in the
I wandered all night on the mountains; an' then I felt sorry for Joe,
For not all the shots in my shooter could bring back poor Bluey, you
So I come an' flung down on that table an' snivelled a good 'un, I think,
An' some on it, maybe, was sorry, but most on it, stranger, was drink.
But I roused up an' stole (Joe his coffin) some wood, with enough for a
An' I chipped at a neighbour's stone copin' to make him a tombstone, I
I took him away to the graveyard an' as I went snivelling by,
The critters all come to their doorways with nary an eye on 'em dry.
Yes, I own up to bein' a rowdy, I'm six-shooter Boskins, no less,
But though I'm as bad as they make them I've got my soft places, I
An', somehow, I can't help a-thinkin', when my toes is turned up to the
As it won't be exactly agin' me, as I wasn't unkind to that fly!
NEW NAME for the Periodically Recurrent Exhibitions at South Ken.
sington.-The (Somers)-vine-ries I
AUGUST 19 1885. F N 87
Lord Randolph.-"I SHALL BE BACK IN NOVEMBER. MEANWHILE, YOU WILL KEEP MY SEAT AIRED, AND POLISH UP MY BOOTS
AND THE CABINET." Flunkeys.-" YES, M'LORD."
His Lordski.-" I CANNOT, OF COURSE, EXPECT MUCH INTELLIGENCE FROM YOU; BUT IF YOU KEEP SOBER AND RESPECTFUL I
SHALL BE HAPPY TO RETAIN YOU IN MY SERVICE. TA, TA l"
(AN UNREPORTED INCIDENT IN THE LIFE OF A NEW-COMER.)
[ Little Grandson Gladst ne was christened the othtr day, at St. George's, Han.
over Square, and Grandfather Gladstone benignantly watcc-ed the ceremony. .
Thera is evidently no fear of the rame of Gladstone fading from the land. To
Gladstone I. may succeed Gladstone II., and here is Gladstone III ready,
no doubt, to carry on tbe traditions of the fami y."-"The baby did not cry In the
least although the water was thrice poured over its head."-See Liberal and Tory
'TWAS up at St. George's, in Hanover Square,
There lately occurred an important affair.
Such a lot of remarkable people were there,
All as nicely apparelled as may be.
Grand Old Grandfather Gladstone attended with glee,
And attired in his grandest old manner was he,
When he backed up the father, who proud seemed to be
On the day when they christened the Baby.
Then the gay G.O.M. and the pa were espied
Observing the Baby with glorious pride,
For when he was sprinkled that Idol ne'er cried,
As would many a newly-born gaby;
But he posed, as he silently noted the crowd,
And he thought "That I'm someone, 'tis clearly allowed,
For 'tis evident everyone present is proud
To assist while they christen this Baby I"
And when all the parsons had finished the rite,
That small Son and Heir gazed around with delight,
And seeing his gay Grand Old Grandpa in sight,
Thought he, "I should jolly and gay be I
For it seems I'm the Grandson of wise William G-,
And, no doubt, I shall yet be as famous as he."
Then he cooed at his Grandpa, who fled to the sea,
Oa the day when they christened the Baby I
A NEW periodical called The Brick and Tile Gazeltte is announced.
It may be as well perhaps to warn our readers that the new venture will
not treat entirely of jolly good fellows and top-hats."
WHAT favourite sea-side resort do 'Arry's glances at the "gals"
resemble ?-Why, "Broad "-Stares I
To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor.does not bind himself/ to acknowledge, return, or fay fr Contributiona. I no case s ill they be returned unless
accompanied by a stained and directed envelope.
88 FU.TJ.N'.___ AUbUST 15, 1885.
AFTER THE GROUSE-EXTRACTS FROM A LETTER OF A SPORTSMAN UP NORTH.
'- ~ I I I
" Grouse prospects are very promising," said the papers. The Moors were looking beautiful. Heather-bell(e)s We had one capital shot in the Brown (Donald
Wonder what the grouse thought about t were plentiful, of that Ilk).
It :~'~ h.I sX
And soon made the leathers fly.
Is it mental aberration
For a party in my station
To consume with adoration
For a Duchess in her pride ?
Do you favour the assumption
That it's utter want of gumption ?
(That it savours of presumption
Isn't easily denied),
Though, of course, she might have pity
On the writer of this ditty
(Who's a clerkling in the City
With a hundred pounds per ann.).
Her affection might accrue so
That she'd order up her trousseau
(But I do not think she'll do so,
If you ask me, man to man).
Wards off the attacks of CHOLERA, Typhoid, and all Malignant
Fevers. Speedily cures Acidity, Flatulence, Heartburn, Impure
Wreath, Indigestion, &c. It destroys all disease germs, and from its
purifying action in absorbing all impurities in the stomach and bowels
gives a healthy tone to the whole system.
Bagged several birds;
A BAD CASE.
Still I ask, am I Quixotic?
Is my sentiment Erotic
To Olympians above?
Pr'ythee, why my choice disparage ?
If a lady keeps her carriage
Is she quite debarred from marriage ?
Or unworthy of my love ?
She is clad in silks and laces,
Has the loveliest of faces,
And her pedigree she traces
To the flood, or further back,
She has homes, with parks surrounding,
All with minerals abounding,
While her rent-roll'is astounding,
And her horse is not a hack,
CAUTION.-I o oa
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves the
addition of Starch. A o LUBLE
GUARANTEED PURE AND SOLUBLE.
And had a jolly night afterwards.
She has shining golden tresses,
And a lot of costly dresses,
And some very rare MSS.,
Such as Quaritch don't posses?.
She has di'monds, large as peas, on,
And a town house for the season;
But is one of these a reason
For my loving her the less?
'Tisn't mental aberration
For a party in my station
To consume with adoraticn
For a Duchess in her pride;
Were she fifty times patrician
Wouldn't alter the position;
So, with your polite permission,
By my passion I'll abide.
:In the Worict"
VOL. XLII.-NO. 1059.
. S !Z4
,.p ''i;!! ^^^^^q ,,l
90 gfo iN AUGUST 26, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HE OLYMPIC (Morning). -The secret
is out at last I Further concealment has
been found useless, and the inevitable
? e has been yielded to. The cause of the
gruesome and unholy odour pervading
the Olympic stalls, puzzling the minds
and torturing the noses of their occupants,
has been revealed. It is "Love's
Il Churchyard "-there I (and it seems
I about time that the authorities closed the
ground and converted it to purposes of
building, or even recreation). I make
the statement on the authority of Eva,
heroine of a strange piece called Lelio
(pronounced, in fine Venetian, Leelio),
TH LVMPIC.--THE PUPPET. which came to light and laughter at a
Lelio is also sub-called A Venetian Story-in allusion, I suppose, to
the abiding-place of the heroine, which is an attic story. By a method
of construction, peculiar, I presume, to Venetian attics, this room has a
window used both for ingress and egress, through which the hero has
seen the heroine as he passed, and through which she has remarked that
his eyes seemed truer than the rest. Well worthy is this attic of a place
in story Well worthy is the story of a place in an attic-say, the in-
most recesses of a lumber-closet therein I The persistent gloom of the
work was productive of much hilarity; and Eva's death was hailed with
unalloyed pleasure. N.B.-Eva's death concludes the piece.
BUT some things are worthy of record. Eva has a brother, who
rejoices in an "intoxicated voice," and who is brought to his senses and
sobriety by an insult offered to his sister, whom, thereupon, he promptly
leaves unprotected, and hies for "the wars," as evidence of changed
nature. The villain, a grotesque- mannered Venetian noble, is, indeed,
an awful person! An ungainly, wicked, wicked man, with yellow legs,
a Chinese hat, and an Apostolic make-up. He evidently rents a por-
tion of the Crystal Palace, and thither lures the unsuspecting innocent,
and holds bad orgies where, as the guests come in, the lights go out I
A bad, bad Venetian masher, who orders up the casual but comely
dancing-girl, as 'twere some goodly bon bouche, and calculates with nicety
the time that Eva shall fall at his feet." In three months time," he
cries, "and 'tis now two months and a half 1" He has left many ladies
in his time," he tells us, "and they didn't die," he adds with some sur-
prise, but oh, if you knew him, you couldn't wonder at all I There I-
He's really dreadful _
BUT the most striking character of all was the young lady in green
tights (which she modestly endeavoured to conceal behind a sofa), who
held her ground with firmness at a most delicate and private interview
between her master (the abandoned noble) and Eva, the heroine, re-
garding their words and proceedings with smothered mirth and facial
sarcasm, much to the improvement of the scene and the delight of
the wild spirits in front who gladly and gaily dubbed her the silent
MISS DE VANE-erstwhile'a Rose but now a Marguerite-who ap-
peared as Eva has much, almost all, to learn of the acting art. I should
be sorry to say she has no aptitude at all for the boards," but she
sadly handicaps her chances by appearing under such circumstances
even at the I "W" Il
to the rest of
were so bad,
it would be
select any- 1 -
bution. It is TH PRINcEss's.-Tis CLOAK DID AN HE-GIPSY-'UN GIVE.-
but far to New version of "Otiello."
ever, that Mr. A. B. Cross has done better work than this mouthing
and affected Lelio, and Mr. Val Romer, who sang a song reasonably
well, played with a natural air and some ease.
THE PRINCESS'S.-It will be generally acknowledged, I think, that
Hoodman Blind scarcely fulfils expectation. Mr. Barrett's wide stage
knowledge, and Mr. Jones's power and industry of observation, in com-
bination, might surely have resulted in something more satisfactory.
But perhaps it was Mr. Barrett's knowledge that led the story into the
paths of unmistakable convention, and maybe Mr. Jones's observation
was turned more to stage-land than nature-not but what there are
many touches of fresh insight exhibited. Without involving myself in
metaphysics, however, I may give my verdict that it is a good, but
ordinary, melodrama ; and that less powerfully acted than it is-and it
is powerfully acted-its fate would be less uncertain than it is. Some
of its faults are glaring: the striking likeness between half-sisters who
do not resemble their papa in the slightest, and the striking likeness to
Othello and Dot, may be cheerfully presented gratis to the authors; but
to allow your hero to produce cold steel in a man-to-man struggle
seriously jeopardises his character in the eyes of the audience; parts of
the scene in the East End tap-room are not in the best taste; the lame
boy (well enough, but not extraordinarily well, acted by Miss Maudie
Clitherow) is a little repulsive; the footman incident in the third act is
about on the farcial level of the inexperienced matinde author; and the
opening of the embankment scene is rather silly and not at all new.
Some of the speeches put into the mouths of the villain and the hero are
turgidly "vicious," to the verge of comicality, and the latter gentleman
is given largely to philosophical and poetical musings not observably
characteristic of the Buckinghamshire farmer.
THAT the piece is excellently mounted and managed goes without
saying, there are many fresh and entertaining touches throughout the
course of the story, and there can be no question about the power and
vigour of the acting. Mr. Barrett brings all his well-known gallantry
of manner and bearing, as well as strength and tenderness, to the
effective benefit of the wronged and self-deceived young farmer. Mr.
Willard, in a striking make up, contributes a study of rascality in a
somewhat new phase, with remarkable grip, steadiness, and absence of
exaggeration. Miss Eastlake also played finely, and some fresh and
stale humours in the hands of Mr. George Barrett lost none of their
effect. Mr. Clifford Cooper played a second rascal (who seemed to
regard it as wisdom to be born in a workhouse 1) with effect. Mr. G.
Walton played a part reminiscent of the old drunkard in Saints and
Sinners cleverly, and, among others, Mr. Charles Hudson and Mrs.
Huntly distinguish themselves. Miss Phoebe Carlo was very bright as
the inevitable female boy of melodrama. NESTOR.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-The Session has come to a close, and now my lips may be
opened, and I may express my disappointment. Amid a perfect
shower of titles-alighting for the most part on the heads of such in-
significant people as poets, painters, and politicians-not one has fallen
to the lot of the only Prophet worthy of the name. Already had I pre-
pared the title I would assume when the expected baronial dignity was
placed before me for acceptance. Baron Trophonius, of Cave, would
have sounded well, I think. But, where is it now ? Ab I where is it ?
Also, the winner of the great York race, where is that ? Why, here it
is, in my
TIP FOR THE GREAT EBOR HANDICAP,
LET merit like mine be passed over in silence
By pitiful Tories, sham Ministers all,
I'm not to be goaded by them into violence,
And so at their diggings I don't mean to call,
Let grim-faced neglect be the lot of the Prophet
From greedy and garrulous pushers for place ;-
What's title ? Who cares ? What's it matter ? What of it ?
Let's get to the horses that run in this race.
There's Althorp, though rather too heavily weighted,
May give an account that may lead to a smile;
Ben Alder need scarcely be yet relegated
To ranks which are out of it after a mile;
And Hambledon, somehow, may yet be the victor,
In spite of the weight they have put on his back;
And Quilt, though no youngster, is yet quite a picter,
And not a bad horse when he gets on the track.
In these lies a promise that's not to be scouted
Of him who has boldness and bullion to boot;
But even by him it may fairly be doubted
But one or the other may turn out a brute.
So take other strings,-there's the swift Londonderry
(He's scarcely done all that he's able to do),
Though Bonaparte, also, may make you all merry,
Clochette's the "small belle lam cottoning to.
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
AUGUST 26, 188s. FUN. 91
Aunts Anna and yemima (ensemble).-" How FORTUNATE, ANGELINA DEAR, TO MEET YOU AND EDWIN. WE WERE LONGING TO
MEET SOME ONE WE KNEW TO SHOW US ALL THE CELEBRITIES IN THE ROW, AND TO CARRY OUR RETICULES."
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
OH, how beautiful it is to be at the seaside !" gushed Mrs. Blun-
derberry, as she bounced into the little lodging parlour her lord and
master had rented at a crowded watering-place. "Isn't it lovely,
Solomon ? Why, darling, I am twice the woman I was already."
"Oh, you are-are you?" grunted her husband. "Think I'm going
to be at the expense of two wives, eh? Got an idea you're one of those
women it is impossible to have enough of? I tell you what it is, Mrs.
B., if we stay out our fortnight, and you go on doubling yourself
daily, there isn't a semi-detached villa in London that can hold you when
we go back."
"Oh, Solomon dear, you know I didn't mean double in size.
"Oh, what a head you have for arithmetic Take a wife, double
her, add a husband to her, half her, take away the husband you first
thought of, and there remains five feet three of silliness in a crumpled
calico wrapper and a towzled head of tow-coloured hair."
"How funny you are, Solomon," said Mrs. B. a little uneasily.
"Gimme something to eat," growled the great and good man, scow-
ling at the prawns, and making a face at the coffee-pot.
"Yes, dear, directly," answered his better half, dropping a shrimp
into the milk-jug. Do you know, Solomon, I don't think-"
"Who ever accused you of it ? interjected her lord.
I don't think I shall ever understand--"
"Nobody ever thought you would," interposed Mr. Blunderberry,
spearing a dissipated-looking fried whiting with his fork.
"What I mean is, Solomon, I can't quite make out about the ozone."
"Aha, madam I The O'Zone isadistinguished Irishman who will stand
for a countyasa Parnellite at the next general election. Meanwhile, he goes
about the watering-places of England and retails his universal panacea
of health at so much a sniff. It's a little difficult to distinguish him
from decaying seaweed."
-o-o-o-h I" said Mrs. Blunderberry wonderingly. "I never knew
before that the ozone was Irish."
"Another injustice to the sister island I Is there any other subject, Mrs.
B., upon which I can enlighten you? Is there any fact connected with
maritime history which your vast intelligence has not already grasped ?"
"Well, dear, I know it is very stupid, but can you tell me why the
sea goes up and down ?"
Great Neptune, madam I Don't you know that is an arrangement
made peculiarly to benefit the stewards of the Channel steamers ? It is
one of those confounded monopolies which the commission on trade is
going to inquire into as soon as the new Parliament meets."
"No; I don't mean that up and down, I mean the other up and down."
"Goodness, ma'am I Do you think I understand every variety of the
national pastime of see-saw ? Think the sea's something on the Stock
Exchange ? Oh, you know all about the bounding billows, don't you ?
If you will be good enough to hide that calico wrapper of yours in a
prawn's tail, you will only need a little more beauty and a little more
hair, to pose on a rock in the middle of the parade as a Mermaid."
Solomon, you must know that what I want to know, if you know
yourself, is about the tide."
You could not have come to a better authority, madam. When
Shakespeare wrote, there is a tide in the affairs of men, he meant when
the man got married, that's what he meant by tied.'"
Oh, Solomon, I am sure I've seen something like that in the comic
papers I How clever you are-and you told me you never wrote for them."
"Think I'm going to waste original jokes on you, Mrs. B. ?"
"No, dear, of course not. I'd much rather hear the old ones, they
are so much easier to understand-and so much funnier."
"Yah I Think you can be sarcastic, don't you ? I tell you what it is,
Mrs. B., if you imagine that your husband is the proper person to set off
your sharp sayings upon, you've made a mistake. Respect, ma'am-
respect is what I have a right to expect from you; and England expects
each British matron will do what her lord and master demands," and Mr.
B. put on a straw hat, and went forth in all his glory upon the promenade.
"Dear Solomon I" sighed Mrs. B., watching him from the window.
"How glad I am he should rest his poor, weary, exhausted brain by the
sea. I'm so glad I made him come-I think he's better for it already.'
92 FUN. AUGUST 26, 1885.
A PYROTECHNIC DISPLAY.
MOST people know that grouse well cooked are toothsome eating.
Everybody is aware that the best of these feathered tit-bits come from
bonnie Scotland. Yet Scotchmen, pure and
simple, only appreciate these birds for their
value in coin. If you wish to die a violent
death, go into the Highlands and assert in the
company of brawny Scots that grouse served up
on toast with bread sauce is an infinitely superior
dish to a steaming Haggis. If you desire tor-
Sture to be added to a protracted assassination,
mildly assert that the latter feed bears a weird
resemblance to boiled bagpipes, and smells
stronger than steamed blankets.
MR. W. 0. DAWSON, barrister-at-law, has
enlarged and reduced the art of living to a
science-at least he thinks so. We can give a
recipe conducive towards longevity in four words
-i.e., "Avoid law and lawyers." As Mr. W. 0. Dawson cannot
possibly guarantee how long we shall live by adhering to his rules, and
knowing what an uncertain thing life is in these days of excursion trains
and armed burglars, it is our fixed intention to have a moderate whack
of enjoyment while we can get it.
A MILKMAN has been fined for ringing a bell in the street. He
pleaded that he did so because of having a cold, which rum and butter
could not cure, nor rum and milk alleviate ; he was unable to use his
voice. This tradesman was hardly done by. The magistrate had no
ear for music, for it is an accepted fact, that while there is some little
harmony in the most cracked bell, the melody of a laughing hyena is
soothing compared to the Mill-kaaowow-oo yowled forth by the
THERE were five hundred highly educated applicants for a Judge's
clerkship lately. They chiefly consisted of solicitors and barristers, two-
thirds of whom would make very good Benchers. Lawyers are a drug
in the market now, nearly everywhere. There is still a large field,
though, in Arizona and Texas for Sheriffs. Appointments are con-
tinually vacant. The duty of these officials is described as follows : -
"All that is required of these officers, after a band of cowboys has
raided a town and killed half the citizens, is to pursue them on horse-
back, surprise them in ambush, and get killed."
A FESTIVE careless joker has just been fined ten shillings for smoking
on board a vessel moored off Liverpool. Twenty-five tons of dyna-
mite were on board that boat. It is evident that the Liverpool magis-
trate who settled this case, holds flesh and blood tolerably cheap, and
property in contempt. He probably does not reside very near the river.
SEVERAL tons of smuggled tobacco have recently been captured at
Hull. What becomes of confiscated tobacco now ? Is it still burned
or stolen by Revenue officers as it used to be, or is it served out to the
male inmates of workhouses, as it ought to be? We don't know.
Some people have a theory that some of it finds its way on board our
men-of-war, and is served out to the sailors, But a cloud of mystery
shrouds confiscated tobacco.
To what extremes may not the divine Sarah Bernhardt go when
she plays Charlotte Corday. Saints I preserve the poor player in the
bath. For the impulsive actress says, ",I have never been able to
play in Phtdre without fainting or spitting blood, and after the fourth
tableau of Thiodora, in which I kill Marcellus, I am brought to such
a state of nervous excitement that I sob or scream, or, if I do neither
I become violently hysterical and dangerous and disagreeable for
people or objects near me." The gentleman who is going to play
Marat to Sarah's Corday had better insure his life heavily. That is if
any office can be found to grant a policy. What an enthusiastic middle-
aged female the genius Sarah is I
ONE of those well-intentioned medical men who wish everybody to
live for ever under the most uncomfortable circumstances, opines that it
is both erroneous in theory and dangerous in practice to partake of iced
drinks when the body is heated. Nevertheless, several of the warmest
Margate members have managed to do so during the present season with
impunity. They are still alive; much to the sorrow of their families.
It's a strange thing that hot members are generally in the habit of
insuring their lives heavily. They mean well generally.
CHURCH clocks always strike more or less irregularly. It is a playful
way they have got. But it is somewhat unusual for a church choir to
strike at all. The professional chirpists of St. John's Church, Wednes-
bury, have proved an exception to this rule by striking vigorously, and
unexpectedly. It appears that their gentle rector had ambled forth for
his summer holidays without leaving behind some filthy lucre which had
been collected to give the warblers a day's outing. Who does not love
a day's outing ? A day's outing, when one can watch the skylark rise
from the corn and speculate calmly on the probable rise in bread. A
day's outing, when Fancy's floating bubbles in a dream are oft mixed up
with strange sensations, caused by the consumption of unripe plums and
inferior ginger beer. A day's outing, when stretched upon the soft sweet
smelling turf, the holiday-maker can doze and moralize between the
effects of a wasp's sting, and the sting of conscience. It is to be hoped
that the rector and his choristers have forgiven each other and had a
pleasant day's outing together among slugs, snails, toads, and earwigs.
Little Sour Grapes I
[Miss Belva Lockwoo I, who lately run for the post of Vice-President of the United
States, is of opinion that "marriage is all very well for the milk and water class of
women, but that the sterner sort should never entertain the idea.]
POOR Belva I one would think the grapes were sour-
For every girl who bows to Hymen's power,
Is of the milk and watery class, you say.
Allow us to remark, that it would seem
A true wife is regarded as life's "cream,"
And helps poor man to get along life's whey ;"
To wed your "sterner" women few would yearn,
And that's why in Life's race they're left a-stern.
MR. WILFRID SCAWEN BLUNT, who was hitherto a strong Liberal
of advanced views, now announces himself as a Conservative candidate
for somewhere or other; which, of course, only proves that his best
sensibilities have become Blunt-ed.
AWAY FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
(INFORMATION EXTRACTED FROM MORE OR LEss RELIABLE SOURCES.)
Lord Wolseley has gone on another shooting expedition.
Let us hope the cartridges won't jamb this time.
Toole and Irving are spending their holiday
up in a balloon.
Mrs. Langtry has gone to swim across the
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER ON LAWN TENNIS, and nearly screw out my eye; he say "deuce," and I say "ze devil."
Ze adorable Mees Jollidogue, she demand of me if zat I go in for ze I go on hitting, but I strike nozzink, except once, ven I strike ze
tennis of ye lawn, and I reply I know more of Tennyson ze lorn unshorn maiden aunt of Jollidogue on ze back of her head, and ask ten sousand
zan of tennis on ze shorn lawn, but zat mort de ma vie I how I sail be pardons.
so glads if she ze apple of my eye vill make me her pupil. Just zen my Jollidogue and his sistaire zey get "vantage every time; ma fi", I
friend Jollidogue and his aunt join us, and togezzare ve all go chercher telm zey take vantage of my unexperience. En in zey say zey have
ze court of tennis. Zat is vy I sink ze Engleese lady like ze tennis, von ze sett. I reply zat zey have settle us, and enquire of ze maiden
because it is ze game of courting. aunt of Jollidogue vat we have between us, and she reply zat "only
I tell Meds Jollidogue how I am sure she is a von clippare at tennis, love. I say to myselve "not much," and zik I must mind my Q's
because I hear her maiden aunt say she vas racketty girl, and she and P's, in case ze artful ole girls catch me in ze tennis net.
express to me how she is fond of ze cheek of her maiden aunt.
Some von have chalk it up-ze court of tennis; but Jollidogue say
ze net is not taut-vill I make it so? I explain how I am sorry I To "Pat"-riotsl
cannot, unless I am taught how. He say tighten ze guy rope, but I no "DON'T PAT" is the name of a forthcoming book,
see ze guy anyware, so much less ze rope. With Irishisms 'twill deal and not flatter;
I am afraid I sail never comprehend your tennis, for ven Mees But that manual has a suspicious look,
Jollidogue say she will start service, I inquire if she intend to go as For its counsel would seem to be simply, "Don't Pat"-ter.
maiden of all vorks, for she is too pretty to be ze cook vich is plain.
She say I must not talk nonsense, but be sharp vit my returns. I reply,
"Voila zare is my returns and my eye of bird; but I have not got Floral Fictions.
a lights." Before I have say more ze adorable girl have strike ze ball THE beech is said to indicate prosperity-
across ze net, vit her racket, and I strike it also-vit my nose. She Then why be pessimistic, dull, and tearful?
demand how vas it I did not volley it; but I did volley it under my Come, let us all buy beeches with celerity,
breff, vit ze volley of curse. Then (if this "tip' be true) we shall beech-eerful I
Next I go to serve. I hit at ze ball, but it get out of ze vay, and ze _
aunt of Jollidogue say zat is a fault; but I tell her it vas not my fault.
Ze aunt of Jollidogue say presently she is fifteen, I say, and ze rest; A NEW DRAMA is about to be produced, of which the title is to be
but I am surprise ven ze charming Mees Jollidogue say she is sirty, and Niagara, at which the critics greatly rejoice. Here there is plenty of
I observe she do not look it. Jollidogue, he vat he call screw ze ball, cold water to be thrown upon it.
94 3 1 '7 AUGUST 26, 1885.
THE COMPLETE TOURIST.-NO. IV. THE PARTY WHO SCATTERS HIS FAVOURS,
EH is a beauty. He bestows right and left, and seldom retains anything to himself. "That's right, Smithson," he says to his valet; "take those things in with you.
I hate luggage in the carriage with me; but I daresay these second-class people won't object-will you?"
" You won't m;nd my putting them there ma'am? I always prefer to have my *Ah !-that seat is engaged. My book is on it," he also observes.
feet up," he remarks.
Likewise he says to his promising offspring:-" My dear boy, I can not bear this fearful din. If you must make a noise, do pray go and do it round the other seat
I IUN.-AUGUST 26, 1885.
HIS LITTLE, GAME.
THERE WAS A LITTLE MAN, AND HE HAD A LITTLE MASTER RANDY WAS HIS NAME, AND HIS PLAYFUL
GUN, LITTLE GAME
AND HE WENT TO GIVE THE LITTLE BIRDS SOME WAS TO PEPPER THE OLD KEEPER IN THEIR STEAD,
LEAD, LEAD, LEAD; STEAD, STEAD.
96 I'jIf rNr. AUGUST 26, 1885.
THE INNOCENT EDITOR.
A SUMMER TALE OF ARTFULNESS.
I'M as cockey, I am, as the cockiest bird
That sits in the bushes to twit ;
I'm ready for anything-give you my word-
I feel so uncommonly fit.
r' I've something to tell,,which I'm sure can-
To shake you (with laughter) to bits-
Why, bless you I The thing is so funny, my-
At night while be the mail, on its holiday track,
Sped onward with hissing of steam,
I lay in my bed on the flat of my back,
Evolving a wonderful scheme.
'Twas all about FUN, and its Editor, too,
And, oh it was artful and deep;
I thought it all out, and arranged what to do,
And then I composed me to sleep.
I woke in the morning as blithe as a lark,
And, rapidly rising from bed
(My limited breakfast exciting remark),
I rushed to the office and said :-
"Oh, Sir, though an Editor's greatly above
Contributor-fellows like me,
He often inspires them with fathomless love
(Though humble, as fits their degree).
"And, though your contributors Harbour a store
Foryou of the deepest and best,
Mfy personal share of affection is more
Than that of the whole of the rest.
"And, oh, in a modestly pitiful state
I've come to you now to confess
I've been deferentially woeful of late,
And respectfully racked with distress.
"Oh, Sir, you are working too hard, I can tell,
Your eyes have grown heavy and strange,
You're pallid and flaccid, and listless as well,
And clearly in want of a change.
Ah, Editor dear, you should purchase right now
Some suitable holiday togs,
And off to the mountain's precipitous brow
With a gun and a couple of dogs;
"Or turn your pale face to the sunlight and blue
Of a Mediterranean spot,
And spend an enjoyable fortnight or two
At some one's expense on a yacht.
"I know that you'll stick to your duties until
The painfullest ailments accrue,
But-think-if you make yourself dreadfully ill,
What will Mrs. Editor do?
" Imagine the woe their dear Editor's pain
Would bring your contributors, too-
Oh, how could we ever be funny again
If anything happened to you ?
"Oh, please, by the very next train to repair
To the North or the Continent-go-
And as for your place in the Editor's chair,
I'll fill it with pleasure, you know."
Although he's an erudite Editor ours,
He's rather an innocent chap ; ]
So he went for a holiday, gave me his pow'rs,
And toppled right into the trap !
FYTTE THE SECOND.
Hurrah I He is gone! I Iam boss of the show I
And monarch of all I survey;
The publisher bows to me ever so low,
And the Office Boy's bound to obey.
I take each MS. a contributor brings,
I smile a superior smile,
And I cut out his little pet phrases and tl ings
In strict editorial style.
Then all the MSS. and drawings I claw,
And pitch them aloft on a shelf;
For I'm going to edit, contribute, and draw
The whole of the number myself.
I've caught that Knicknackery fellow alive,
And finished his column, the coon I
I think GORDON THOMPSON will hardly survive,
For I've just been and done his cartoon.
I've battened FRANK SULLIVAN down with the cc als
(As sailors do people on ships),
For I know it would pain that most tender of souls
To know I was drawing his slips.
The chap who supplies us with goadings and stings
I've got in a cupboard at bay,
And I've done his political verses and things
In a very superior way.
The two BLUNDERBERRYS I've sent in a 'bus
To a distant and desolate shore,
Where topics and politics never can fuss,
Or Equivokes come any more.
Our Parliament person I've hustled away,
Where piles of back numbers are vast;
I've given that NESTOR the book.of a play,
And set him to study the cast.
The wild EXTRA-SPECIAL I've tied with a cord
(The knot is unlikely to slip),
I've made old TROPHONIUS drunk as a lord,
And I've written the whole of his tip.
The other contributors, every one,
I've collared and bottled in jars;
I've gone round the corner and borrowed a pun,
And "worked it in several pars."
I've done the whole number with exquisite taste,
I've taken the whole of the pay;
I've smothered the Office-Boy deep in his paste,
And gagged the unfortunate LAY.
I've emptied the till, and I've given the slip
To the gentlemen wearing the blue;
Oh, when he comes back from his holiday trip,
What will the poor Editor do ?
I wouldn't mislead any reader of FUN,
And so I must own that it's true ;
These aren't so truly the things that I've done,
As the things I am longing to do.
AUGUST26 x88~. FU N 97
ii ~< ,,, 'U
-~ _______ ___ '~LL ~'~i t~~7
~> '>6< ~ <~'~ ~: ~9 ~ JELL
A TERRIBLE INFANT.
Mr. Sixanate (who is being consulted as to the accumulation of Young Luckiechappy's fortune during his minoity).-" I THINK THE BEST
COURSE, MRS. LUCKIECHAPPY, WILL BE TO MAKE THE INFANT A WARD OF COURT, AND GET HIM AND HIS FORTUNE SAFELY IN
Young Luckiecha fy.-"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN INFANT-I'M TURNED NINE. AND I'LL KICK YOUR SHINS IF YOU TRY TO
GET ME IN CHANCERY. THE LAST TIME I WAS IN CHANCERY I GOT Two BLACK EYES."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES TO A RAILWAY
CONDEMNED as I am, sir, to pass the present dull time in London-
Smay say, en passant, that I should like to show my dislike for it by
passing it without speaking, whilst I was about it-I naturally seize on
every chance of obtaining variety and relaxation.
Last Tuesday, accordingly, for the first time in my life, I attended
the half-yearly meeting of the Great Southern Railway Company; my
intention being to, as far as possible, enliven proceedings.
Having taken a seat, I was not long in making my presence evident.
"Gentlemen," began the chairman, "I suppose we may, as usual,
take the report as read ?"
I was upon my legs in a moment.
One moment, Mr. Chairman I" I cried. May I ask what report
it is you allude to ? "
"What report? Why, this report, sir; "-and with the same he
angrily waved a number of large white sheets of printed matter.
Oh, you think we iay take that as red,' do you ? Then I, for
one, will do nothing of the kind; for if I declare white is red now, I
may be asked to vote white is black before the meeting is over I"
I said this very sternly, and then sat down; whilst the directors at the
Chairman's table began to whisper together. Their final decision must
have been to ignore my interruption, for the Chairman again rose and
commenced his speech, during the delivery of which I took copious notes.
He finished. by offering to answer any questions put by the share-
holders; and I was not quite quick enough in rising, for a little man
on my right popped up and said-" Mr. Chairman, I should like you to
give us some more information about our third-class rolling stock."
Then I exclaimed-" If the shareholder on my right alludes to the
third-class carriages I saw on the line yesterday, it is not the Company's
Rolling Stock, but its Laughing Stock,' that he must mean."
Again sternly ignoring me, the Chairman said-" In answer to toy
friend before me, I am glad to announce that during the past six months
we have put seventeen new third-class coaches on the metals, and have
at this moment three in hand."
"Only three in hand I" I murmured; then I vote we make it one
more. and all get elected to the Four-in-Hand' Club on the strength
Several of the younger shareholders laughed softly, and, encouraged
by this sign of approval, I went on to say I had a resolution to move.
"Move it outside, then I" cried a Scotch shareholder, angrily,
"Not I," was my reply, "the only way for my resolution to get out-
side, is for this meeting to set to and carry it I"
"Question I" roared the same Scotchman, who could evidently be a
' tart-un,' even when he had not got on his plaid.
"Very well, Mac," I retorted cheerily, "I'll tell you what my
question is. I want to know why the amount of dividend we pay per
cent. is not properly sung out by the Percentor' of the Company."
We can't deal with the motions of unknown individuals," exclaimed
the Chairman, sternly.
"Certainly not," said I. "See though, it you can deal with my
card, instead ? and I duly passed up a slip of pasteboard.
"And now," I recommenced,-
Stop, Sir I" cried the Chairman, "it is my turn to speak."
"Oh, no it isn't," I returned. You've just dealt with my card,
haven't you ? Well, you can't deal and lead too, you know."
"Sir," exclaimed the Chairman, I must beg of you to say no more."
w"Certainly," I shouted, "No more. Then I've said what you
"Tut, tut, Sir, you know what I mean. I must call you to order."
"To order what, Mr. Chairman; I can only see water-bottles, and
there's no waiter in the room."
On this I was about to assure the Chairman that he would soon wish
he had brought his lodging with him, as well as his Board,' when,
after a hasty vote, the meeting was adjourned sine die.