. . . .. .
(FOR THE PROPRIETORS)
153 FLEET STREET, E.C.
BY W. LAY,
LONDON: PRINTED BY DALZIEL BROTHERS, CAMDBN PRBSS; N.W.
1-ULLO I said Mr. FUN, "finishing on the 24th of
June I I must have a Midsummer Night's Dream." No
sooner said than done, and the great humourist imme-
diately discovered that after a certain point Shakespeare
had dreamt it all wrong. The fact is, the quarrel be-
tween Oberon and Titania was not settled by means of
that flower-juice (which I am certain would only have
made the queen's eyes smart, making her madder
than ever). No; at the height of the quarrel Titania's
attention was called to a magic book, all magenta and
gold, which so restored her good humour that she said
Oberon could have the little black boy if he liked. As-
tonished at the change, Oberon, dropping the disputed
boy, hastened to examine the book that had worked
it; immediately his good-humour became as great as his
consort's, and they made it up for ever.
__^ Just at that moment Titania caught sight of an elderly
lady who seemed nervously suspicious and apprehensive
of something unpleasant. Let us show her the book,"
Said the fairy. The elderly lady took it, glanced over
its pages with heightening colour and accumulating
dismay, until she fell back in hysterics, exclaiming,
So The naked truth I The naked truth about everything I
OJ h I oh I oh 1" It was the British Matron, and the
book was, of course-
fthegrtvgr Volume' of the~ ReW *riro of .Pun.
a -- 1
- -"-"" I
A HEM-" Dignity" 77
Artists' Ba'q (The), 223
Assassination's Awful Fright, 56
1ALLAD of Baldness (A), 142
Benevolence in Bad Form, 45
Birthday Card (A), 3
Blind to Advantages, T49
Blue Ribbon of the Thames (The), 126
Blunderberry's at Breakfast (The), ii, 33,
45, 57, 71, 83, 94, I02, 109, 123, i43, 159,
I63,, 211, 229, 249
Brass Ballads, 192
Bring the Cat, 38
Britain Japanned, 85
CAREFUL Mr. and Mrs. -. ,, 220
Chance for "April Foolei ', 137
Clang of the Clock Tower, 36, 89, o10, io8,
127, 137, 50, 152, i66, 175, 185, 20o, 205,
Clothes Carol (A), 118
Coming of the Cricketers, 16o
Conversations for the Times, 34, 6i, 73, 84,
103, 116, T19, 156, 18o, 195, 216, 235, 242
Courts (The), 117
DRCORA'TI'ONS for Domestics, 98
Derby English, 529
Ditty on the Domps," 30
Divided Duty (A), 252
Dots by the Way, 102
Doughty Dute ('lThe), 85
Dutchman's Road to ,- i: V,. 82
Dynamiter's Seveicst i ..' .1 tie), 1,47
ElN'ronMOLOuiCAL Edibles, 201o
Erin's Welcome, 99
Example (An), 248
Extraordinary Omission (An), 9
FALSE Deduction (A), 95
Fairly Beaten, 40
Fairy of Deadman's Gulch (The), 26
Fatal Blemish (The), t29
Favoured Spot (A), 174
Forbidden Luxury (A), 133
Forestalled 1 A Tale of the Invenotions, 19i
Forward and Backward Glow (A), 208
From Our Own Correspondent, 137, 153,
167, r98, 255
(;ENHRALS Superseded, 76
Gladstone tire Gay, 253
Greatly Simplified! iio
"He Cometh Not," She Said, 244
ILL-USED Patriot (The), 223
Incredible Innovation, 42
In Memoriam, 73
In Spite of Our Characteristics, 5t
It's All in the Definite Article, 234
JO "r T'-'TF? 234
-, ,- l t .,i.. A Serious Crisis, 158
KNICKNACKS, 7, i8, 23, 40, 50, 62, 72, 77,
93, 104, It6, 122, 136, 148, 158, 168, 174,
216, 227, 242, 254
Knock for Neptune (A), 139
LAST Sir, (T. 'I
Latest C'.t... I ... 244
Lawn 'T'..... I
Letter From Our littlee Friend (A), 67
Letter From Town (A), 210
Loblolly Luke, 88
MAID of All Work, 16
May Meetings, 175
May Mixture (A), 20o
Meat Punishment, 71
Medical MarvelA), 243
" Mill".itant Magistrate (A), 92
3iind Inoculation, 259
Misdirected Anxiety, 184
Miss Damper's Devotees, 6
Monopoly with a Vengeance, 128
Most Obtuse Briton (A), 39
NEW Members of Society, 66
Nitro-Glycerine and the Minor Arts, 114
Noble Return (A), 205
No Real Difficulty, 191
No Wonder, When You Think of It I 62
OCTAVIUS EBENBZFR POTTS, 10, 88
Old Offender (An), 12
One Precaution Left Out, .78
Open Hearted Conspirators, 18
Our Annual Antidote, 153
Our Brave Foe, 52
Our Extra-Special Goes Annexing, 27;
Goes a "Sight-Sealing," 67; Goes a
Whistlering, 92; And the Prince's Irish
Visit, 138; As a Political Coach," 239
Our New Constables, 70
Our Theatrical Round, 8
Our Warriors' Wives, 104
Overheard at the Academy, 245
PAINTERS' Masque (The), 217
Paris Quite Herself Again, 22
Patriotic Protest (A), 173
Petroleum Cakes, 54
Philosopher and the Hero (The), 48
Pisants' Greeting (The), 143
Poet's Problem (A), 163
Poor Jack's Protectors, 122
Possessor of it (The), 20oo
Present to the Prince, 190o
QUALIFICATIONs for the Post, 243
RADICAL-OUS Nonsense, 28
Randolph's Revolt, 264
Real Reason (The), 221
Reasonable Briton (The), 253
Reasonable Expectations, 168
Reason or Instinct? 8, 09
Royal Academy Exhibition, 188, 198
SEVERo Test (A), 49
Shock to Monarchy (A), 93
Sir William's Great Trial, 2io
Slashes and Puffs, 2, 12, 22, 32, 44, 56, 66,
78, 88, 98, 1o8, 120, 132, 142, 152, 162,
172, 184, 194, 204, 214, 226, 238, 248
Socialist Scheme (The), 76
Square Peg (The), 94
TAKING the Cake, 115
Telegram (A), to
To Merdle Head, Esq 103
To the Editor, 29, 50, 84, 117, 148
Treacherous Tipperary, 13
True Believer (A), 99
Turf Cuttings, 23, 64, 72, 83, 89, c02, Tno,
128, 132, 142, 179, 194, 204, 222, 226, 246,
2 to x, 232
VI"LET'S Valentine, 6o
V P. (The)-A Spencer-ian "Snack," 64
WAIT, for the "Weed" (A), 39
What we may Expect, 54
ien shall we Strike" ? 104
Where had I seen him before? 23
Which it's a way ss-' *.: c t67
Who are the Real I I.-. 127
Word for the Force, (A), o109
World's Wail (The), 153
Worst Form of Murder (The), 29
YALLER Pup Banksman's Yarn (The), 146
AGAINST Her Conscience, 246
Age of Advertizing (An), 29
Air with Variations, 137
Airy Forms, 14
All Fools' Day, 139
Amateur Photographer (The), 15
Ambition Knows No Limits, 92
An Arab Skirmish, 170
An Ice Predicament, 49
An Irresistible Appeal, 102'
Another Look-in at the R A., 206
Another Pure Article, 24
Any Change for the Better, 228
April Fools, 131
Artist as he Should Be, 240, 250
Artistic Tableaux, 222
Astronomical Observations, 7
At the Academy, 185
At the Bank, 191
BANK Holiday in the Park, 224
Bard a la Piccadilly, 65
Blue Belles (The)! 123
Boots Mended While You Wait, 51
CAMEL C(H)orps-us, 34
Can Men Reason? 4
Charity Well Directed, gg99
Child of the Period (A), 42
Class Privileges, 134
Clear Proof to Hand (A), 157
Coincidence (A), 256
Comining Cocker (The), 99
" Confidence" Carol (A), 41
Confused Recollections of the Royal Aca-
Covert Sarcasm, 140
Critic of Colour (A), 259
DERBY Drives, 225
Disguised! or, The Undetectable Detec-
Distinction with a Difference, 74
Duly Qualified, 211
EAST Winds, 105
Events up to Now, 31
FEMALE Commercial Travellers, 86
Figuratively Speaking, 143
Force of Example (The), 221
Fornms of Leaves, 183
Fragments of an Illustrated Letter, &c.,
Fun's Theatrical Pages, 21, 43, ng-, 151,
z6i, 171, i93, 203, 213, 237
GIVE them Law, 95
Giving it a Name, 120o
Greater than Dynamite (A), 8g9
Greatest Failure of them all, 260
HEARD on tile Hill, 236
Her Way of Looking at it, 173
How is that for Eye?" 200
How Jones was Found Out, 19
INCOME-TAx Thermometer, &c III
In Prospective, 217
In the Gloaming," 45
It's (S)mile-d Indeed. 243
LAW and the Lady (The)," 112
Little Radical at Epsom (The), 235
.Loyalty Encouraged, 18
Lunacy Laws (The), 209
MAIN Point (The), 247
Mars and Bacchus Returning, &c, 244
Mars and Justitia, 9
Mary Ann and the Venus of Milo, 76
More Events of '85. 75
More Injustice, 80
More Muddled Memories of tlre Roys
Most Difficult Question (A), 46
Musical Notes, 9g
NEw Guinea Prig (The), to
Not In My Name !" 79
Not Quite the Same Atmosphlert, =5
OFF to Afghanistan, 169
One of Our Free Institutions, 144
On the Road to the Boat Race, 127
On the Track, 52
PANTOMIME Season, 33
Parliamentary Sketches, 166, 202
SPay All Round, 83
Positive Evidence, 129
Proverbial Philosophy, 1o6
Provincial Philistine (A), i75
RANDOM Notes on the Big Event, 233
Reasonable Suggestion (A), 96
Regular Fire-eater (A), 192
Retort Courteous (The), 89
Return of the Wanderers (The), 159
Revelling Riders, i5o
Rising of the Democratic Tide, 118
Rising Son (The), 20
Robert Placed in an Awkward Position, 252
Runaway Horse (A), 182
SAINT VALENTINE, 53
Salvation Army's Latest Essay, 249
Sherries and Ports, 87
"Situation" (The), 255
Skippins's Dream, 130
Some Light Refreshments, 195
Some Sporting Phrases, 227
Something Like Vigilance, ioo
St. Valentine "All-Sorts," 63
TAKE In (A), 153
Tam o' Shanter, 107
Tempting Offer (A), 17
Tennis Court-ship, 16o
Terrible Tale (A), 201
There's Many a True Word, Etc., 23
Thick or Thin, 13
Those Sufferers, 218
Tom Tiddler's Ground, 30
Too True, 133
Two Appeals (The), 35
UNEMPLOYED in London, 179
VALENTINE Vision and Its Victim (A), 61
Valentine's Day, 57
Violating One's Inclinations, 36
WHICH Accounts for it-Funk, 55
Whipping Tops Are In Again, 123
Who'd Ha' Thought It? 121
Wild North Easter (A), 141
Workman's Dwellings, 164
Works of Art, 149
YOUNG CRICHTON (A), o09
Young Shaver (A), 54
ANOTHER Appeal, 207
At Bay, gi
Back to Back, 47
Banting Extraordinary, 177
Between the Acts, 241
Bismarck's Happy Family," 251
Cropper (A), 251
Egyptian Valse (The), 37
Egyptian Boatrace (The), Toi
Erin s Easter Egg, 145
Gladstonian "Arrangements," 124
Happy Holiday (A), 219
His Long-lost Brother, 135
International Inventions (The), 197
"Loitering and Frequenting," 15
On the Road to Herat, 113
On the Road to the House, 261
Our Boys, 8r
3 Peer's Pantomime (The), 5
Picture of Innocence (The), 165
Ready for Him, i87
Roundabout Derby (A), 230
Russian Diplomacy, 154
To the Rescue, 58
With a Nation's Tears, 69
JANUARY 7, 1885. F. I
'r...A: a winter'; morn. 'hat can't 1,e cored
The nr:.ize and clar,.:ur of mu;t be endured,"' 1u;ed
modern Eb.,lon h.d L- e. thie Man of Many ..,i- ;
cun vith a gentle. hum. "and, after all, I ought
,;ng :.:.und, wh;ch un. n.t o. ,corp.lainof noie,"
.i.:.ubtedly indicate-i tit .. he coai.nLu,-J. I ,e
1,-, bee- were about- caused a g,:odly, amount
;pping eail; .:..; dev ..._i di:wul.ance in m-t" tln-.e.
,Ir, l.:. Bur the m,:,n ton- Gracl_. : I've m! IJe
1.,_ 4 h,-,, f Iut,,t :, m any r .. er:l,ct; -A h,1
h..," in.] the piercing Biir;h Public roar he,,rr
.r,,id.. :f lklilk-coo oo- ily wilh laughler, :.r,,
._ ....% w"ha. fairly com. I've made a fev. nan,
me,,e.l t.:. diint rb pe:,c+, ber. ct: lu,11y %.ih
i,,i ,limrin ;ng citizens, arngui J hen I've been
bef..r. A Mr. Fi.iN thrust obliged to catigat., 'emr
hi.; he- .1 uUt r, hi- JErT for I her ;.:ked, bad
M iLi I.:, et a L_,re thl rI ') "et the LiIIh
fresh air. Public loves me, duats
A beamish smile spread over the Jokist's disc as he listened to the on me, canoodles round me, and showers its blessings on my efforts
disturbers of peace. He hearkened to the harsh clanging of factory to amuse and tutor the rich and poor who gambol and groan in the
bells, and to the fell shrieks of railway whistles, with sublime toleration, world's fair. This fact fully accounts for the appearance of the
FORTY-FIRST VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES OF 'FUN.'"
VOL. LI.-NO, o026.
2 IFT INL JANUARY 7, issH'
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
.. ..,, it~ ." .piece, has
con.ne d to the pro-
-s of "e cgramme
n t) ere. It is
i a fromthepen
e s c I "t IHolt, and is
S not remark-
a r able for
S much be-
yond a cer-
THa SAVOV.-A CHILeDREN'S OPERA. ciality of
confined to the intermittent and problematical "dialect" indulged in by
some of the characters) and conventionality of conception, as well as
some want of stage tact in setting forth the story. Miss Cicely Richards
manages to give some "colour" to an uncouth farm-servant part : this
actress usually manages to give form to everything she undertakes, but
is a gold bracelet quite "form" for a farm servant? Where's that
acting manager that is going to abolish jewellery on the stage? Mr. E.
W. Gardiner is a good actor, and Miss Buckstone a pleasing and im-
proving actress, but the material at their disposal on this occasion gives
them small chance to distinguish themselves. I don't think the remain-
der of the cast would care to know my opinion, but I must say that Mr.
Corcoran appears to have thoroughly mastered the art of speaking with-
out knowing what he is talking about. Our Boys continues the staple
here, having reached the eighth month of its present revival.
DRURY LANE.-I understand there is a pantomime at this house,
and an extra good one too, but not having received my usual invitation,
and discovering this too late to allow of my "making other arrange-
ments," I can only speak from hearsay. I will make those arrangements
anon, and you shall know all.
COVENT GARDEN.-Hoorav I Allez I Houp La Talk about a
Christmas Transformation r From high opera to low "Cirquery."
Here you are I Mr. Holland has certainly provided a big thing. There
was a private view on Christmas Eve, and there were two performances
on Boxing Day, but with all these chances I was only able to get time
for a glimpse at it. What I did see was quite good enough. Mdlle.
Lavinia and her white horse (appropriately designated Black Eagle)
provided extra entertainment in a sort of struggle for supremacy, in
which the lady sustained several reverses "-one sending her among
the audience-but on the whole, of course, she kept the upper hand,
aud exhibited a good deal of grace and dexterity. Mdlle. Oceana was
lovely to look at, and there is a good deal of beauty as well as cleverness
in her slack wire performance, but she didn't seem to arouse much
enthusiasm-the audience was dumb with admiration, I suppose.
The extraordinary bareback performance of Hernandez is likely to be
is a cleverly-
played juve- LhoT I 71
nile panto- OADY zo. T
mime, St. rORAc t
George and s OeN -t
the Dragont, ou alv or -
some per- wE ARE: .
forming ele- AAIN?" -L
phants (one 7 i-
a clown !),
the Chiesi I'
nettis, and SANCERs.-Sr. GEORGE AND TIlE DRAC-IN
too numerous to mention, everything clever and interesting, except that
some one ought to extinguish that singing Jester, unless Mr. Holland is
anxious to have his beautifully-arranged and got-up establishment
called the "Music Halleries," or the "Jingoeries.t'
THE GAIETY.-Mr. Edward Terry made his re-appearance at this
theatre on Christmas Eve in Mr. Pinero's comedy, In Chancery, and, I
believe, considerably livened up affairs at this lately somewhat doleful
house; but for reasons not wholly dissimilar from those mentioned
in connection with Drury Lane, I am not in a position to give a
THE SAvoY.-Without exception the most wonderful and delightful
entertainment in London at present is to be found in the children's
performance of the Pirates of Penzance, at this theatre. Juvenile
performances are usually characterized by a squeaky and mechanical
precocity and of wire-pulling en evidence to an extent more interesting
to the student than amusing to the generality. Nothing of the kind is
to be found in the present instance. Evidence of drilling there is, and
drilling of the most thorough and comprehensive kind, but natural
aptitude and natural gifts on the parts of the little performers give the
whole thing a spontaneity and a relish not all the drilling in the world
could do without their aid. It is the funniest and quaintest thing in
the world, and Mr. Gilbert's peculiar humour sparkles and flashes at
quite unexpected points in the new light thrown upon it; not an accent
or inflexion is misplaced as far as I could detect, and the music is done
justice to, at least to an extent equal to anything it has previously
received. In fact, it has been not unnaturally suggested that some of
the older performers should "go to school" to these youngsters.
Miss ELSIE JOEL is gifted with an exceptionally good voice, full, rich,
and pure to an extent hardly conceivable in a child of scarcely twelve,
she sings the florid music of
Mabel with a style, precision,
and confidence manyan older
performer might envy, and is
probably heavily discounting .
her future by singing so .'.* J ''
young; although we have '
perhaps no right to grumble, f
at" the good the gods provide r "j.-- j"
us." Master E. Piercy's dap- w ',
per little Major General
(about 2ft. 6in.) is irresistibly t i ,I I
funny, while Master Charles ., ..
Adeson's self-possession and
command of comic expression ,
as the sergeant of police are
impressed upon my memory -
by the aching sides I still I
THE EMPIRE.-Mr. Syd- t
ney Grundy, for a practised "
dramatist, has made a curious
mistake in Pocahontas; or,
The Great White Pearl, pro-
duced here on Boxing Night
(within a couple of hours of TUH E.ipIRE.-THE GREAT WHITE PEARL.
its last rehearsal, I believe,
and to about as depressingly stolid an audience as could well be found
in the three kingdoms) there is an almost complete absence of incident
or movement. This fault is almost certain to be fatal, and it is a great
pity, for the work, as far as it goes, is of the best kind, the dialogue is
original and pointed, and the lyrics are written honestly and not as a
mere vehicle for notes; they are all neat and rhythmic, nearly all have
a distinct idea, and one or two rise to the level of real poetry. The
God of Knowledge" trio is a fine piece of work on the part of both
author and musician. Mr. Solomon's music is not particularly startling,
perhaps, but more than a tenth of it is tuneful, and some of the
orchestration shows more than ordinary skill and knowledge of orchestral
resource. Miss Lillian Russell looks noble and handsome, and an in-
deed Great White Pearl as the heroine; her singing is very charming,
and she almost acts-which is a great advance. A better exponent of
Captain Smith, musically, and a much better ditto histrionically, than
Mr. F. Celli it would not be easy to find, and though he took the part
at very short notice, he acquitted himself well. Miss Alice Barnett is
another excellent, both in singing and acting, and Mr. Robert Brough
gives character to a very small part. Mr. Henry Ashley's drollery has
too intermittent opportunity to be effective, and singing never was his
strong point, while Mr. J. L. Shine, in a part that might be made funny,
once more demonstrates his inability to express anything in his face,
or to emancipate himself from that padding of his. Mr. A. Chasemore
has designed the dresses with his usual inventive skill, and some of them
were worn on the first night I
THE PRINCE'S AND THE OLYMtPIC.-These theatres have indulged
in a seasonable pantomime trick, and changed programmes-the farcical
JANUARY 7, 1885. FU N 3
comedy, Twins, being now (for a very short time)
played at the former, and the gruesome melodrama, Called
Back, at the latter (for as long as you will stand it).
On the afternoon of Monday, the 29th, however, the
stage was given up to two hundred ragged children out of the
streets, for whom Mrs. Conover and others had prepared a
Christmas-tree, cakes, oranges and sixpences, and a wash,
and also (with others) were recited and sung to by Messrs.
Wilson Barrett (who once had a sixpence himself 1) Herman
Vezin, Fred. Leslie, C. Warner, H. Paulton, F. Wood, E.
Righton and Beerbohm Tree, and Mesdames Mulholland,
Minnie Bell, Kendal, Bernard Beere, L'rgard, Nellie
Farren and Carlotta Leclercq, as well as a choir of boys
under the able tuition of Mr. Walter Slaughter. The children
seemed to enjoy themselves in a curiously solemn way, and
the object-the Fund to provide Penny Dinners probably
benefited somewhat; Mrs. Conover deserves thanks for the
THE ALHAMI!RA.-The poetic beauty of 2Te Swans
ballet here is admirably contrasted by the barbaric and
satanic splendours of the new ballet Mielusine. The costume
designers have ransacked their colour-boxes to the bottom
for brilliance and effect, and the ballet-master has got all
the pretty and well-shaped girls there, and no others. These
dance and pose, with true Alhambra skill; and Mdlle.
Sampietro neat, ftite, and lissom and light, personates the
heroine, who was, I believe, more or less a "sarpint." She
is ably seconded by Miss Mathews as a prince who seems to
get into a place too warm for him (the atmosphere is very red
round there !) and is led into drink by four nimble-footed
ladies, whose names should be in the bill, and who are
appropriately costumed in "blue "-shall I say ribbon ? It
is all very clever and gorgeous, and the music, by that past
master of ballet music uniting M. Jacobi is ever above the
THE GRAND.-Mr. Joseph Tabrar has not excelled him-
self" in the preparation of the book of the pantomime
Puss in Boots, with which Mr. Charles Wilmott bids for
Islington favour this year, but the story is clear-headed, and
even the dullest boy or girl may recognize the legend (a thing
which cannot be said of all pantomimes exactly) and the
author has provided some sprightly music-a field in which
he is at home. It is "put on with all requisite brightness,
THE GRAND.-'TwiXT FRITZ ANo FRIGiTS.
and abounds in all the usual humours in addition to the novel
feature of a deep voiced Fairy Queen. Mr. George Vokes is
not un-funny as the Queen, and Witty Watty Walton will
perhaps justify more of his name than the two last items
when he thinks of something funny to say, his drunken scene
was clever enough but apropos dce bottles, and perhaps he
doesn't sing persistently out of tune now. Miss Lottie Dett-
marr makes a bright enough hero, and foots it cleverly; one
of her dances, in which the stars are in danger from her boot-
toe, is suggestive of a burlesque on, or imitation of, a loose,
shambling, nigger-kick. Miss Nellie Melnotte is a bright
and natty Princess Fullojoy, and Miss Joe Elvin, and G. B.
Prior manage to make some comical capital out of their parts.
Some acrobatic Joneses display a good deal of agility,
Eugene is a clever contortionist, but (like all such) rather un-
pleasant to look upon. Miss Lillie Linfield is a good dancer
by-the-way, and the whole pantomime a good one.
A THOUGHTFUL REQUEST.
Master Willie,-" I SAY, GRAN'PA, WHILE YOU ARE GIVING ME A NEW
YEAR'S PRESENT, PLEASE INCLUDE NEXT YEAR'S; 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I HEARD YOU SAY THE OTHER DAY THAT AFTER THIS YOU MIGHT NEVER
SEE ANOTHER NEW YEAR."
A BIRTHDAY CARD
IN HONOUR OF MR. GLADSTONE'S 75TH BIRTHDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1884.
THREE-QUARTERS of a century hast thou seen;
And earnestly we trust that thou'lt live on
In strength for many a year ; for, when thou'rt gone,
Who is there that, with such a dauntless mien,
Will steer the Ship of State by Wisdom's light,
And for the People's cause so bravely fight ?
Unselfishly, uprightly, hast thou trod
Though Politics' steep, labyrinthine path,
All heedless of the jeers and puny wrath
Of those who worship Jingo as their god.
Yes, onward to Fame's summit hast thou climbed,
By Trickery and Dishonour ne'er begrimed.
Well might our land (ignoring those who sneer
At this thy birthday as St. Gladstone's Day"),
Hail thee, who hast for Right e'er led the fray;
Thy noble record well might we revere.
Thy Earnestness and Genius evermore
Shall hold a sacred place in History's lore !
"Alt!" said the doc'or, "you are suffering from indigestion. At Christmas
time we are apt to-er- ." I live by rule interrupted the patient. "Then
possibly your dyspepsia is induced by nervous worry," suggested the man of
physic. I think it is," returned the patient; "the fact is, I've got a bill to
meet at the end of next month, and you told me distinctly last week that probably
my rich old father-in-law may survive till the spring. It's killing me, it really is."
A FRENCH milliner has invented a bonnet trimmed with artificial asses' ears.
The effect is described as striking; we should rather say, "ass "-tonishing.
4 F' U N. TANUARY 7, 1885,
CAN MEN REASON?
[At Westminster, a pickpocket pleaded guilty to a charge of attempting to pick pockets in Buckingham Palace Road. Other convictions were proved against him.
The magistrate said that Justices Grove and Hawkins had recently held that "frequenting" a place must mean being there more than once ; therefore he could not .
convict. Neither could he send prisoner for trial, as, by another decision, there could be no conviction where there was no evidence of there being anything in the
pockets to steal. Prisoner was therefore discharged.]
7i- IV:.. "
" And yet," lie says, "these are exceptions. He notices the pickpocket taking advantage of that Act by resorting to -(not
ground every day. So solue men do reason, after all"
requenting,' mind)-a new hunting.
h 1 i
TNF U .-JANUARY 7, x885.
THE PEERS' PANTOMIME.
DR. ROSEBERY AND HIS CELEBRATED PILL,
Prepared Sfecially for Hereditary Legislators.
6 F TJN'. JANUARY 7, I885.
MISS DAMPER'S DEVOTEES.
Miss DOROTHY DAMPER was tired of London life, for it was no life,
but merely an existence so far as she was concerned. Her surname was
the summing up of her character. She chilled, and did not cheer, those
who took not altogether unselfish compassion on her loneliness. Alone
in the world, indeed, she was, for when she attained the age of twenty-
five, her remaining parent left this earth two legacies-his body and his
daughter with 80oo a year attached to her. Relations she did not
possess; friends she did not create. But a young lady owning passable
charms and a comfortable income could not be allowed to while away
the balance of her existence unmolested, so the friends created them-
selves, and to no inconsiderable extent. Miss Dorothy dwelt in rather
a fashionable part of London during two years after she became an
orphan, and, as all fashionable mammas possess eligible and hard-up
sons, she was naturally pounced upon as lawful prey. The mammas
and their sons bowed to her coming out of church as religiously as they
sang the hymns out of tune inside it; the bolder ones ventured a remark
or two about the weather or the sermon, and thus gained the right to
leave a card, which would be followed up by a call and an invitation to
a revelry by night of some kind. The persecuted Miss Dorothy Damper
accepted those that she could not well refuse, and for a year, more or less,
impaired her digestion with ill-made claret cup and evilly-cut sandwiches
at various" athomes." Martyrdom,however,has its limits, and suddenly,
to the dismay of every one, Miss Dorothy Damper left a P.P.C. card cn
all the hardworking mothers who had for so long been striving in the
good cause of their non-working sons. The martyr let her house and
Woodford-on-the-Marsh was surely the most out of the world place
that the Damper could select for a spot whereon to build a nunnery of
her own. It only boasted, according to the census, of 1517 inhabitants,
and it was miles away from a railway station. To Woodford-on-the-Marsh
the spinster accordingly betook her virgin self, having learned through
the medium of a daily paper that a lovely cottage with a garden and
orchard attached was to be let
furnished at a very moderate
rental, owing to the insolvency
of its owner. Miss Dorothy
found her new residence all that
.she could desire. The cottage
presented an attractive exterior,
the interior was only marred by
the presence of a cheery-looking
Ibut excessively dirty individual
whom the insolvent one's solicitor
had, in his surprise at suddenly
letting the cottage, omitted to
return, prepaid, to his proprietor.
The garden was a mass of colour,
the apple and pear-trees in the
orchard were smothered with
White and pink blossom. Miss
Damper's soul had at last found
had two warm spots in it. She dated upon horticulture, and she desired
to perpetrate a volume of versicles-which might be more expressly
describable as icicles. Here was the haven where surely she might follow
up both vocations in peace and quietude. The village seemed to be a
sleepy old place consisting of the necessary shops-mostly alehouses, a
very pretty picturesque old church, and a very hideous modern chapel.
Round about were
sprinkled a number of
villas of a more or less t
pretentious nature. Miss
Dorothy Damper was
A week had passed.
The flowers, under their
mistress's care, looked
brighter than ever, the
Arctic regions had re-
ceived vast poetical at-
tentions, but-that week
had been devoted to a I
very different purpose by
the dwellers in the villas
aforesaid. Twelve sepa-
rate shillings had been
sent to twelve faithful
London friends, and
twelve answers, marked
"private," had been re-
ceived, containing a de-
scription of the late la-
mented Damper's will.
Of course the enquiries
were made from purely
These individuals merely
wished to know whether
the new arrival was a
proper sort of person to
lea ve a card upon. Being quite satisfied on this head, Woodford-on-
the-Marsh swooped down upon the persecuted poetess, who, seeing it
was no use doing anything else, threw up the sponge once more, and
opened her doors to her neighbours.
Before six months had passed Miss Dorothy Damper was again in a
state of matrimonial siege, for nobody in Woodford-on-the-Marsh had
any money, and 8oo could not go unmolested. The first to assail the
virgin heart was the village beau, Mr. Terence Harrington; but as this
young gentleman might also have done duty as the village idiot, he was
soon dismissed. Major Badger and his son Benjamin tried to cut one
another out, and are not now on speaking terms. The widow Boxer
upbraids her son Barnaby to this day for his failure. But the prize was
carried off. Monsieur le Chevalier Cretonne, music master, possessed
that diplomacy which the others lacked. He secretly set one of the
Damper's poems to music, and dedicated it, By Permission, to the
Queen. This master-stroke was too much. Poor Dorothy was at last
won; she saw a prospect of fame, and gave her hand and heart to the
Chevalier. But there was one obstacle which sorely afflicted that gifted
person. He was poor; she was rich, and the malignant world would
say he married for money. This was nothing to the fame-seeker. She
executed a deed whereby 7oo a year out of her 8oo became the pro-
perty of M. le Chevalier.
"'Now you may take me and
laugh at the world's sneers.
S You have the wealth, not I,"
S she said nobly. The Cheva-
\ lier was moved to tears, and
went off to London to make
proper preparations for the
4 A week later a gentleman
engaged a very comfortable
apartment in a hotel at Bou-
logne-sur-Mer, where he lives
in a most luxurious manner.
le is called Le Chevalier
In a dingy bed-room in
Bloomsbury dwells a dejected
female, whose name, alas I is
still Dorothy Damper, and I
fear likely to continue so.
ier Majesty has never denied the "Permission," but were she to learn
what havoc Her name had caused, I think Her gracious heai t would
be moved to put poor Dorothy Damper on the Civil List.
JANUARY 7, IS85.
THE PEERS' PANTOMIME.
DR. ROSEBERY AND HIS CELEBRATED
Prepared specially for Hereditary L,.slators,
WHEN the Pantaloon's ill,
And in want of a pill,
There is nobody who
Will so readily do
The work of a learned physician,
As the go-ahead Clown,
Since he's gained a renown
For reversing his comrade's condition.
When a blue-blooded Peer
Feels a little bit queer,
It is easy to see,
Like the Pantaloon, he
Is needing the doctor's attention;
And, for fear of a storm,
Some internal reform
Should be wrought to remove apprehension.
But when Peer-Pantaloon
Lets us see that full soon
He'll be wanting a dose,
And his friend, the jocose
Clown Rosebery, offers to make it;
Howe'er good be the pill
Yet the shaky one will
Very like be objecting to take it.
Crime with a Vengeance.
THE fact that two cases of woman's vengeance has been
followed by similar conduct on the part of a son shows that
the epidemic is infectious. Notwithstanding the extremely
wintry weather the vengeance in question-very much in
question-has been most summary,
AN INVETERATE GAMBLER.-The man who "tossed"
all night in bed.
Ethel.-" MAMMA, WHAT ARE THE STARS PUT UP IN THE SKY FOR ?
MAamma.-" THEY ARE OTHER WORLDS, DRAR."
Ethel.-" WORLDS, MAMMA ? I THOUGHT THEY WERE LITTLE HOLES
TO LET THE RAIN THROUGH."
THE names of the islands New Britain and New Ireland, which have
been recently annexed by Prince Bismarck, are to be changed respec-
tively to "Ananias" and
Sapphira." This alteration
is to be made at the especial
command of Pious William, the
German Emperor. P. W. wishes
by this means to hand down to
posterity the mendacities circu-
5 latedd by every one engaged in
Jthe annexing business. Intense
love for our royal family has
induced the German Emperor
to insist that the portion of New
Guinea annexed by Prince Bis-
marck shall retain an English
.@ '- designation. It is to be called
S''Nicked Coin in future.
THE Kaiserbund-i.e., a se-
cret understanding between the
three European Emperors-is
entered into for mutual protec-
tion. Feeling, in these Repub-
.- y lican days, they may be singly
Kaiser-bundled off their thrones
at a moment's notice, the Emperors agree to stick together, and prop
each other up when necessary. Unity is strength," warbles Pious
William to his confreres.
I-IERE's a champion instance of canine sagacity. Prince Bismarck's
bow-wow which is three sizes larger than any other dog in existence,
once stretched itself on the Chancellor's hearthrug and barked loudly for
the man of Blood, Iron, and Beer to bring in its dinner. The Chancellor
with his usual courtesy immediately trotted out of the library to attend to
the wants of his favourite. Ink was spilled over dispatches on which
the fate of Europe hung. But what mattered ? the favourite dog had
asked for his dinner, and must be attended to by his master. Yet strange
to say when the Chancellor threw a French roll to his magnificent pet and
constant companion, the intelligent creature turned up its nose with
evident disgust, however, immediately the princely diplomatist spread
some Strasbourg pdtd de foie gras over the Gallic bread the sagacious
animal not only ate it with avidity, but he wagged his tail and uttered
guttural sounds of patriotic enthusiasm,
PREPARATIONS are already being made in Germany to celebrate Prince
Bismarck's seventieth birthday; which is notparticularlylikely to take place
before next Easter. We trust the congratulatory arrangements do not
include nitro-glycerine bombs.
IT is unofficially announced that Prince Edward of Wales is not a born
orator. This must be a great source of satisfaction to his intimate friends.
At breakfast, lunch, dinner, and supper the born orator deals dire dis-
comfort to those around him. The born orator only speaks as he
thinks, while he is chatting discontentedly to his hostess at a lonely
afternoon tea; at an afternoon tea when both hostess and guest are
soured because no solitary visitor has put in an appearance to admire
and worship them.
BOLTON must be a really cheery, home-like, and comfortable place for
married ladies to reside in; certain husbands of Bolton having started an
amicable benefit club from which members can drawsufficient money to pay
the fines that are inflicted on them for beating their wives. This excellent
and unique plan prevents occasional absences from home on the part of
the considerate husbands.
A G UILELESS frivoler opines that we all value home the more after our
absence from it, and the coming back is the best part of the experience."
New Year's Day about 3.30 a.m. when the wife is waiting up, is about
the correct hour for a wandering experimentalist to test the truth of the
guileless frivoler's theory.
HUNGRY Winans, the Yankee "sportsman," hasn't eaten that pet
lamb, he's waiting till it grows fatter.
8 F N.JANUARY 7, 1885.
OUR THEATRICAL ROUND.
OF pantomimes and theatres we're going for to sing,
For Christmas time has come again, and Pantomime is King,
For Pantomime is King, my boys, and Comedy is Queen,
And Mr. FUN, as usual, to everything has been.
He's seen Augustus Harris's affair at Drury Lane
(It's all about Dick Whittington), and means to go again,
And means to keep on going there as long as there it lasts,
With its wonderful processions and its merriest of casts.
St. Georgie with his Dragon is at Covent Garden found-
It's played by little girls and boys; you'll like it, I'll be bound.
Aladdin, at the Surrey, shows right comically; and
There's Puss in Boots elaborately given at the Grand.
The great Britannia Theatre presents us King Kootoo ;
Red Riding Hood is what the far Pavilion brings to view;
At the Elephant and Castle, where a Cave presides, you know,
The celebrated Frog appears, Who would a-wooing go.
At Sanger's they've prepared for us the legend of Dame Trot,
While the Standard for its pantomime has Cinderella got;
And so you see, or will before we finish with our round,
The only West-End pantomime at Drury Lane is found.
But all the shows are busy now, let's hope that "ile" they've struck,
They've had a rather rocky time-may Christmas bring them luck;
Though some have done quite well enough-Princess's has, to wit-
Where Wilson Barrett's Hamlet's made a most decided hit.
The Bancrofts with Diplomacy have filled the Haymarket,
And Romeo and duliet is drawing well, you bet
(Excuse our rather Yankee twang, contracted, as we think,
By recollecting Mary comes from over that big drink ").
Twelve months ago, when we went on this round to earn your thanks,
Those gay Adelphi people were performing In the Ranks.
The year has slowly ground us in its everlasting mill,
And In the Ranks is what Adelphi folks are playing still.
Our Boys-the longest running play of any in the land-
Is found as fresh as ever at its quarters at the Strand ;
The Vaudeville, with Saints and Sinners keeping up the ball,
Are not inclined to hurry The Plebeian up at all.
The Gaiety and Empire (which, from Hollingshead we learn,
Is nothing less than practically just the same concern),
Have got In Chancery (a play), and none need hold aloof,
And Pocahontas, what, I think, they call an op'ra boof.
At Toole's The Babes are flourishing as though they'd never stop,
It seems as though they meant to go a running till they drop;
And at the Globe a similar phenomenon you'll trace,
Where still The Private Secretary 's keeping of his place.
7Th Grand Mogul (the Comedy) some people's fancy take
(Though some have an antipathy to creepy, crawly snakes);
The Sorcerer is sedulously crowding the Savoy,
The children's daily Pirates supplementing parties' joy.
And here's a way of curiously shuffling the pack-
To go to the Olympic, the sensational Called Back
Evacuates the Prince's, which, now Christmastide begins,
Receives from the Olympic the eccentric drama, Twins.
French plays are at the Royalty, and doing extra well,
As he who likes to go and see can accurately tell ;
And that Young Mrs. Winthrop, on reliable report,
Has grown extremely popular, and nightly fills the Court.
The Ironmaster occupies the bill of Saintly James,
And, wonderfully acted, has the very strongest claims;
But if you want to see it you must hurry on your way,
For As You Like It's very near, rarl ....
REASON OR INSTINCT ?-(OR NEITHER?)
(To the Editor of FUN.)
DEAR SIR,-I have taken the greatest interest from the first in the
important discussion now going on as to the presence or absence of the
reasoning faculty in man. I have
and have come to the decided con-
clusion, after mature deliberation,
that most men are entirely devoid
of the faintest glimmer of anything
approaching the nature of either
reason or instinct.
It seems to me that the power of
recognition-the recognition of
common and tangible objects, I
mean-is about the most elemen-
S ', tary form of reason that exists; and
-\ yet I have found this power wanting
in a marked degree in many of the
S "subjects" I have studied. Let
21, 'me quote the case of a master I
have, and I think you will admit
\ \ that a more distressing case of utter
absence of the faculty of intelligent
recognition of common objects
\ could hardly be found. One day
my owner and myself put on our
collars and went the round of his
acquaintances. From each of these
acquaintances my owner bor-
rowed a small sum of money-
from half-a-crown to as much more
i as he could get. Now, I am quite
sure that on that day my owner
at once recognized each of those
acquaintances; but about a month
later we happened to meet one of them (who had lent five shillings) in
the street. What was my surprise at noticing that my owner looked
straight at him without a sign of recognition? I called his attention to the
acquaintance, who was endeavouring to catch his eye; but quite in vain.
My owner was apparently wholly unaware that he had ever set eyes on
the acquaintance before.
After this we encountered the other acquaintances in turn ; but I was
more grieved than I can say to see that my poor owner failed to recog-
nise one of them; indeed, on one of them following him, he walked
away at a rapid pace, as though actually trying to avoid him.
On another occasion my owner was in company with some other
acquaintances on whom he happened to be particularly anxious to make
a good impression, when, in taking out his pocket-book, he accidentally
let fall a pawn-ticket on to the floor. Although I am quite certain that
the ticket was reflected for an instant or so on his retina, yet apparently
the optic nerve entirely failed to convey the impression to the brain ; in
other words, the power of recognition was absent II barked vociferously.
danced round the ticket, and pulled at his coat-tails, in order to call his
attention to the object; but in vain. I may here add-although this
has no connection, of course, with the incident above related-that that
same evening, after we had taken leave of our friends and turned the
corner, he gave me-accidentally, no doubt-a kick which sent me
flying over three lamp-posts. But I digress. I lave seen my unfortu-
nate master fail to recognize bills sent in to him, and other such familiar
objects; and on an occasion which I well remember, when I had re-
moved a chop from a butcher's table, and bitten three persons who had
attempted to take it from me, my owner actually failed to recognize me!
However, by jumping up and licking him, and other marks of fami-
liarity, I at length succeeded in causing a ray of intelligence to enter his
poor brain, and (after some persuasion) he paid for the chop, and gave a
wrong address to the bitten persons. He then began looking about for
something or other, and at length picked up a discarded piece of stout
cord; but at this point I left him and retired to the Dogs' Home.
I am, dear Sir, yours very truly,
The IIolborn, and the Novelty, and 0. Comique are shut, A Word fo
And at present there is no one means re-opening them, but JUST now, while I
The Cri. is overflowing with the "screaming" Candidate, and plenty are gladde
And the Avenue, with Lilies, boasts the same delightful state, that the London Cotta
and left-off clothing t
Her Majesty's has "Promenades" this season for a change, of funds to enable it
And the beautiful Alhambra sees some alterations strange- few charities more de
A pair of splendid ballets and a lot of comic songs- feels that he has only
So go and choose your favourites, and flock to them in throngs, fully received by Mr.
r the London Cottage Mission.
New Year and Twelfth Night feasts of pleasure
ning the hearts of many, it is not pleasant to learn
ige Mission, which distributes Irish stew dinners
o thousands of the destitute poor, is in sore need
to carry on its work of benevolence. There are
serving of support than the L. C. M., and FUN
to remind his readers that donations will be thank-
Walter Austin, 44 Finsbury Pavement, E.C.
JANUARY 7, 1885. FUN 9
MARS AND JUSTITIA.
Two dashing swells you here may see, Lo I here is a learned and legal light, And here is an officer, blithe and gay,
They belong to the Heavy Cavalree; Who sees that Miss Justice behaves aright; A Light Infantry person, in smart array;
One "mashing defender And a Knight of the Blacking But 't would seem that cabby
Looks somewhat slender; (A customer lacking) Considers him "shabby,"
But the other makes up by obesitee. Cries, "Lor! 'ere's a beak I Twig his 'a!r I And thinks, by his "fare," that the swell's on
Wot a sight half-pay I
LATEST FROM PARIS.
AN EXTRAORDINARY OMISSION.
(From Our Special Correspondent.)
PARIS, January 2oth.-Much sensation is caused here just now by
an event which took place the other day in the Rue P4troleuse (formerly,
as will be recollected, the Rue Trente-deux Juillet, then the Rue Cin-
quante-neufSeptembre, then the Rue Cent-quatre-vingts-dix-septJanvier).
A lady entered the shop of a marchand de nouveautis for the purpose of
buying a piece of stuff, when, on her choosing a piece to her liking, the
ga, 'on de magasin remarked that he considered some of the other articles
prettier. In an instant the news of the affair spread like wildfire; all
Paris was on the tiptoe of expectation; business on the Bourse closed for
that day, and vast crowds collected on the public places to discuss the
probabilities as to the form of vengeance likely to be chosen by the lady.
Meanwhile enterprising tradesmen in the Rue Petroleuse and the neigh-
bouring Rues de l'Absinthe, and du Sang, and Place de l'Abattoir, have
been erecting stands from which the act may possibly be witnessed. The
seats will be five francs each. Feverish expectation is the order of the day.
!/ /,\ / A ,i
Later.-Paris is puzzled. The lady who was so grossly and unpar-
donably insulted by the garfon de magasin in the Rue P6troleuse (which
has been altered to-day to the Rue du Gargon Destine) has as yet given
no sign of taking action. Enquiries have been made of the chemists and
armourers all over Paris, but none of them has received a vast order for
poisons or revolvers. This only serves to increase the universal feeling
of thrilled anticipation. Crowds of gaily-attired visitors are flocking
down the street with the purpose of at least seeing, if not speaking a few
words with the doomed shopman, who is now entirely bald from having
parted with locks of his hair to curious visitors.
Next day.-Paris is more perplexed than ever, as the lady whose
honour was so indelibly outraged has not even yet given any sign of the
approaching execution." The name of the Rue du Garqon Destind is
to be altered to "Rue de la Vengeance Retard6e." The doomed garcon
de magasin has parted with all his clothes in little shreds to the sight-
seers, and is completely exhausted.
Next day.-The universal expectation has changed to a sentiment of
unutterable surprise and consternation at the unprecedented delay of the
insulted lady, and it is even darkly whispered, though with some hesita-
tion, in certain quarters, that she does not purpose taking any revenge.
This, however, is too incredible to be true. The Rue de la Vengeance
Retard6e has been altered to." Rue des Soupgons Honteux."
Next day.-The universal sentiment of unutterable surprise and conster-
nation has changed to one of horror, indignation, and disgust. It is
evident that no revenge is to be taken by the lady so inexpiably insulted
by the garron de magasin. Popular opinion is unanimous in its con-
demnation of the poltronneric and perfidie of the female; and her hus-
band, an eminent deputy, has publicly announced his decision to cast
her off for ever. The people are loud in their complaint that they have
been betrayed. It is felt among all circles that France is on the decline.
The Rue des Soupcons Honteux is to be called Rue de la Femme
After that.-The orders of the day have been suspended in order that
the chamber may decide upon the course to be pursued in regard to the
shameful and unprecedented affair of the Rue de la Femme Perfide,
The- President is of opinion that the welfare of France and the cause of
murder demands the execution of the defaulting female. It is the first
execution he has ever approved-but then this offender hasn't murdered
anyone, so there are no extenuating circumstances.
No Better as Yet I
WITH the reader's kind permission, my opinion I would speak
About this New Year Eighty-five; 'tis now almost a week
Since on Time's busy stage he made his bow-
A lot of stuff was written, and a lot of stuff was said,
To show that he'd be better than the year that now is dead;
But he hasn't been much different up till now.
He has worked no transformation that is startling or sublime,
The papers still are teeming with starvation, vice, and crime,
And the weather's still as fickle, you'll allow.
Politicians at each other are already casting jeers,
And the lofty folk are scorning those who move in lower spheres-
So you see there's nothing different up till now.
The New Year's cards were bright with many a word of hope and cheer,
Making people think that Eighty-five had only to appear
To stop all wicked rivalry and "row;"
But the youngster has deceived us, for he starts just like the rest,
And even in his infancy he fails to stand the test-
He has not been an improvement up till now.
On New Year's Eve I vowed that I'd turn over a new leaf,
But all my resolutions to be good have come to grief,
Yea, shattered lies each grand and lofty vow;
I suppose that's what's the matter-'tis because we don't improve,
That we find we don't towards the goal of gladness onward move-
Yes, 'tis we who are no better up till now.
1SW To CORRESPON ANTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a starmed and directed envelojfe.
Io ] T N JANUARY 7, 1885.
From JOHN BULL, Great Britain,
FUN, ESQ., Fleet Street.
SHanded in at 12.30 a.m., Jan. I, 1885.
AT twelve o'clock this morn
An infant New Year was born;
S/ And his tone, as I saw him arrive,
S. Seemed to promise that he would thrive.
I -He already begins to crow,
And a "noticing air to show.
He says on this land of ours
He'll exert all his finest pow'rs;
I believe, if he's treated well,
He won't be much of a sell."
I trust, to your readers and you,
Of blessings he'll bring not a few;
IOf happiness may he be full,
For you and for
Yours, JOHN BULL.
w No connection with any other New Year article.
(M Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
'THE wurld owes much to its writers, but
moar to its tradesmen; we kood live with-
out books, but not without bred.
Thair iz no moar pretty word in the
langwige than "frenship," and no wurd
that meens less.
Feminine buty iz the rock of maskeline
There is very little known in relashun too
jeenus, the opportunities for observashun of
the saim being fue and far between.
p Impressbuns are ezier formed than got
If yew've got an ass to argue with yew
mai just az well address yourself to his tale
az his hed.
"BOXING DAY CHARGES." -Double
'THE NEW GUINEA PRIG.-A SPECIMEN OF GERMAN CLOWNING. fares on the tramcars.
New Volumes. Price One Shilling. Post-free, Is. 21d.
St. Nicholas.-From month to month it is a pleasure to record our L 0 V E -- C TL 0 U ID S:
admiration of the St. Nicholas Illustrated AMagazinefor Young Folks, A STORY OF LOVE AND REVENGE.
conducted by Mary Mapes Dodge. We lately bad the satisfaction of By JOHN LATEY, Junr.
giving extra praise to the superiority of the Christmas number, which we illustrated by A. HUNT.
spoke of as "incomparable." If it were possible to bestow higher en-
comiums than we have already, now that the volumes for 1884 are TRUTH" says:-
before us, it should be done, but expressions of estimation are easily "I ought to have thanked you for 'Love Clouds to whose title you were attracted
exhausted when any other than those of supreme satisfaction cannot be as naturally as a butterfly to a flower. But the title could hardly have prepared you
used. The artistic and literary talent, the skilful selection of subject, for so stirr"g, and even thrilling 'Dark Days'H style of s tory."
the delicacy of treatment, playfulness of fancy, and artfulness of putting "PUNCH" sa y s:-
together the pieces, or "balancing the beauties," show a mastery over A stirring tale of love, revenge, and genuine sensation."
the means to command, and a result that places St. Nicholas above every
other magazine, and that the Saint's conductor is, so to speak, up to Uniform with the above.
every "Dodge." WI -0 0 LIVE D TI--E38RE,
BY THE AUTHOR OF "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
"ME friends !" croaked an Irish teetotal lecturer (there are not many Fully Illustrated.
of them by the way). "Me friends, the would year's closing scenes are The Bookcseller says:-" Besides this capital story of London life, there is here a
generally jist half an hour too late bedad I Fur, bar Saturdays and well written tale called 'Billy Poppies,' and the author has added some tenderverses,
Sunday, don't they begin about twilve thurty the first of January, whin entitled, 'Pictures in the Fire."'
time gintlemen! toime has been called several timess" "FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, EC.
"The Richest. Softest, and most Becoming
Cocoa thickens in the lb S l
cup, its proves the
Every Yadis addition of Starch.
Stamped on the Back
NDoparelitl th opa. PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!!
London : Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fliet Street, EC.
Wednesday, January 7th, x885.
JANUARY 14, i885.
-, -. .. .. .
Sunday School Teacher.-" NOW, THE BOOK SAYS HERE, 'HE FELT ABASED.' TELL ME NOW, NORAH DONOVAN, WHAT IS IT TO
FEEL ABASED ?"
Norah.-"A BASTE? SHORE IT'S TO BE A CRAYTURE-A DONKEY, MUM."
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
OH, I am so glad," cried Mrs. Blunderlerry excitedly, as she waved
her teaspoon in the air and tipped the toast into the sugar-basin with
her elbow. Solomon, have you seen it ? Have you read it ? That
dear Princess Beatrice is going to be married at last. I am so glad."
"Why? asked Mr. Blunderberry grumpily, without looking up from
the bloater he was busily engaged in dissecting.
"Why? Because she's so nice and so good, Solomon; that's why
she ought to get married."
Oh, I daresay I sneered her lord and master. According to the
pretty story books every nice, good girl is rewarded with a husband."
Then, after a pause, he added, The story book writers know better
than to make marriage a reward for good boys. No; they all die."
"That's why there are so few good husbands," retorted Mrs. Blun-
derberry with a sniff of triumph.
Ugh! Why don't you set yourself up as the child's guide to matri-
mony? If it wasn't for the cold weather, you might go about, disguised
with a bow and arrow, as Cupid. If you were beaten out thin, and bent
into a hoop, you could, on an emergency, be used as a wedding ring."
"Well, Solomon, I know what I'm talking about, and I am glad the
Princess Beatrice is going to be married."
"Ugh 1-you old match-maker."
"Say what you like, I'd marry everybody if I could."
"What? What, Mrs. B. ? Mormonism, and under my own roof I
Ain't you ashamed of yourself? Do I understand you rightly? You-
you-in your own proper person, avow a desire to marry everybody.
Oh, Mrs. Blunderberry, Mrs. Blunderberry, you only want a Salt Lake
of your own to be a feminine Brigham Young. For shame I "
"Solomon, you know I didn't mean that. After all I have gone
through, I would never have another husband-never I I only meant
to say it was so nice for Prince Thingummy to marry into the family, so
that he would become the uncle of his brother, and the brother-in-law of
his wife's mother's granddaughter. It simplifies relationships so to have
it all in the family."
"Stop, woman, stop I That way madness lies. Why don't you get
a coat of many colours and a trumpet, and set yourself up as a herald's
college ? With a dozen or so extra arms to wave in the air as branches,
with little medallions hung to each, you'd make a splendid family-tree.
You only want to be engrossed on vellum, with a few unknown mon-
sters emblazoned down your left side, to become a highly respectable
pedigree. You're almost old enough, and musty enough as it is, to be a
You may go on like that, Solomon, till you're a widower, but I shall
still say all the same I'm glad the Princess Beatrice has found a husband."
Bah I Do you think the Queen's youngest daughter has been
hunting around for a marriageable male, and is going to hold Prince
Henry up between her finger and thumb, as the clown does in the
pantomime when he says, I've found a farthing'? Do you imagine
husbands have been playing hide-and-seek with her for the last twenty
years? Found a husband ?' Where do you suppose she found him ?
Think German princes are concealed in the water-butt at Osborne,
waiting to be hi-spy-hi'd and married ? Found a husband I What, in
the name of Hymen, makes you suppose she ever lost one ?"
No, dear, of course she didn't, or else she'd be a widow. I'm not
so foolish as you think I am. You may try to confuse me; but, all the
same, I don't see why you should forbid the banns when Mr. Gladstone
says he don't mind."
Forbid the banns? No, no-let 'em be married; I hope they'll
like it," said Mr. Blunderberry bitterly. If the Princess wants a few
hints for worrying a husband into an early grave, let her apply at this
genteel semi-detached villa. All I know is, that if I were single you
"The omnibus, Solomon-the omnibus," shrieked his better half, and
Mr. Blunderberry was on his way to the front gate before he had com-
pleted his sentence.
"Ah! "sighed the good lady, watching him from the window. "No
woman knows what happiness is till she has a husband. I am so pleased
the Princess is going to be married, after all."
VOL. XLI.-NO. 1027.
*. 4 JANUARY 14, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
-It is perhaps
"-j Hexplain that this
S\is not the name
of a theatre; it
that of an indivi-
dual, but time
stances have ob-
so that its sole
-w significance now
is "cake." It is
J,,, pretty generally
-'. known, more-
over, that the in-
F to left one hun-
S dred pounds "in
S' n the Three per
SCents" that the
f c Hinterest thereon
t might be dis-
Shr bursed in cake
and punch on
-r afor the delecta-
-g wh ttion of the actors
of the Drury Lane
the ninety-one years dead-and-gone testator have been present at Old
Drury last Twelfth Night-albeit the festival scarce commenced till
Twelfth Night waned-be would have been fully satisfied that the master
of finance, Gus" Harris, had laid out the three pounds at his disposal
to the very best advantage. Where the pantomime was so expeditiously
put to, so that the elaborate feast was so promptly ready, is one of those
mysteries we cannot expect Mr. Harris to explain lest rivals be unfairly
benefitted. Where the good things provided were put to is another
matter, and the large assembly of all that is good and beautiful, and
wise and great, with the slight moiety of the insignificant (one of whom
Nestor caught sight of in a casual mirror) always and increasingly pre-
sent on these occasions, are answerable for much; but shall I be far
wrong in guessing that many a scene-shifter's expectant wife, or extra-
lady's mamma, were gladdened at heart by the surreptitious scrap or the
snapped-up unconsidered trifle ? And a good job too I
SANGER's.-Having a pantomime here, you may bet your hat Lady
Godiva is in it somewhere. What's the use of having "a magnificent
white palfrey" if you don't use it, eh ? And here she is as large as life
and giving every excuse for Peeping Tom. She is a medieval Mrs.
W- (I leave you to guess who), and in the person of Miss Lizzie
Kelsey sings a topical song with uncommon spirit, as well as acting
generally with sprightliness. The pantomime is called Old Dame Trot,
and Mother Hubbard, and St. George and the Dragon and the Seven
Champions (St. George seems to make eight, but I'm not quite clear
about that) all get involved in it somehow. It's a very well got-up
pantomime, with plenty of fun in it. Little Sandy was very funny (he has
unfortunately hurt his leg since, I'm sorry to hear, and so, strangely
enough, has the harlequin in the same piece, and in exactly the same
way, though with a different leg-speedy recovery to them both. There
is an anxious little boy who leads a chorus of juvenile hunters, and
Coventry seems to run a good deal to unusual animals in its streets,
besides at one time exhibiting the phenomenon of a pair of pink legs
dangling from the sky. There ought to be a good deal of talk during
the next month or so of the Grand Pavilion of Pageantry, which is very
brilliant, and the Bird Ballet, in which live parroquets and such like
decorate the dancers, is certain of that fate, it is as effective as it is novel.
The company is a right sprightly one, and among them can dance most
things. Miss Carrie Lee Stoyle is an ideal and shapely St. George,
and, Carrie though she be, decidedly fetching ; Messrs. Harry Stuart,
Harry Malcolm, Fred. Shepherd and E Falcon, are all as pantomimically
funny as can be desired; Miss Violet Russell is "a duck of an Elaine,"
and Miss Grant Washington (you bet that's like a name and address all
in one) asserts individuality from the ruck of the champions by singing
exceptionally well-bless you, Nestor found her out, in spite of a little
kangaroo pretending it was he !
NODS AND WINKS.-On Saturday week The Sorcerer was played to
the Duke and Duchess of Edinburgh, and suite, at the Savoy.-Mr.
John Child commenced his "annual series of four recitals" at St.
George's Hall on Thursday last (of which more anon); the remaining
dates are the 29th instant, February 19th, and March 14th. Those who
have experienced a taste of Mr. Child's quality need no recommendation
from me to try him again.-Mr. Harry St. Maur contemplates pro-
ducing a new comedy-drama at the Imperial shortly. It is from the pen
of Miss Emelie De Witt, a lady who may be remembered as having
figured as an actress in a short season at Sadler's Wells : or even better,
as an exponent of the heroine of Plot and Passion at a morning per-
formance at the Vaudeville. Miss De Witt will take part in her own
piece,- Venice, or the Lady of the Locket, an original comic piece in
three acts, by Messrs. H. Hamilton and W. Fullerton, will be produced
at the Empire when Miss St. John joins the company; Mr. H. Bracy
will also be in the cast.-At the Lyceum it is in contemplation to play
The Hunchback at matinees, with Miss Anderson as Julia, as a sort of
relief from Juliet (relief to Miss Anderson, of course).-Mr. Boucicault's
Old Heads and Young Hearts will be the next (and probably the last)
production of the present Haymarket management.-Mr. Charles H.
Ross has given a very funny title to the "operatic drama" he and Mr.
Frank Musgrave have concocted-Belphegor, or the Tumbler Broke,
tickles you up into the laughing mood at the very start.-Saints and
Sinners, at the Vaudeville, has passed its hundredth representation
with flying colours. NESTOR.
An Old Offender.
(OR, ST. JINGO'S OFFER.)
["The new Jingoism is just as unreasonable as the old, and far more dangerous.'
ST. J. (loq.) THERE'S a something in the air,
A sort of warlike scare,
And my pet word "annexation" now on sundry lips I hear.
Many a Tory organ speaks
With loud hysteric shrieks,
And the dogs of war are eager to resume their mad career 1
And I, who was adored
By the thoughtless Tory horde
Once more perceive a chance of making people go insane.
Though my deeds make many sob,
You may bet I'm on the job,
If there's gore about, why (a la clown) lo I here I am again !
Even so-called Liberal prints
Are indulging in strange hints,
And seem to thirst for greed and gore as though some magic wand
Had caused them to exult
In the rabid Tory "cult,"-
All of which revives my spirits, which were 'ginning to despond.
I have therefore called to see
If I any use can be,
These gore and glitter tactics I can very quickly fan.
In about a tick, you know,
I can call fiends from below-
Yes, to rouse up warfare's hellish crowd, I fancy I'm your man.
Make me your God again,
Absolutely let me reign,
And havoc and dire slaughter will I scatter far and wide.
Through the earth from end to end
Red ruin will I send,
And your fathers, sons, and brothers will I soon destroy with pride.
What, again you dare appear I
Dare again your head to rear,
In this nation which, some years ago, you struggled to degrade I
We do not need your guile
In our well-beloved Isle,
So avaunt I If there be cause to fight, the Briton's not dismayed.
If to war we have to go,
(Which the Fates forbid !) the foe
Will find that England's still as brave as in the days of yore.
On land or on the sea
True patriots are we,
So we require no help from you, 0 God of Greed and Gore.
For justice and the right
We courageously will fight,
And not as you would have us, just for fancied slights alone.
No each true British breast
Will for bravery stand the test,
So, if there's need, without your aid we still can hold our own !
JANUARY 14, i885. 13 T" IN". 13
[Tipperary has rejected the candidate recommended by Mr. Parnell,
and by that fiery prelate, Archbishop Croke.]
OCH, list to a story av base ingratichude
(Which, as ye know, is the Wurrust of vices),
'Tis relatin' to Tipperary's attichude,
And is likely to cause our Parnell a crisis.
Up till now, begorra, we damed it thrue to us,
And e'en thrated that county in manner airy;
But now, be the pow'rs it up and says "Pooh !" to us-
What a smack in the oi from Tipperary I
That county has dared to decline the candidate
Purthy Parnell had sint down for election,
Wid instructions, d'ye moind, to look out for a handy date,
Yes, our Layder has suffered rejection.
Och hone! tare an' poundss wirrasthrue I an' the rest av it,
Shall we stand this gratchewitous insult ?-(quary ?)-
Oh! we groan that Parnell hasn't got the best av it- ,
What a smack in the oi from Tipperary I
Is this the return for the blessings we've scattered so ?
Refusing' our choice, wan Misther O'Connor?
Are our hopes in that county to all be shattered so?
Is a slur to be cyast on aich Layguer's honour ?
Sure, we'd fling down our coats, and say, Trid on the tailg i .
av 'em !"
Were it not that just now we must be more wary-
But hurroo we've just beaten our foes!-(hear thewails av'eml!)
And we'll run our O'Connor for Tipperary. is
Going in a Bust-er!
ANOTHER striking bust, it seems, has recently been made
Of the Premier, against whom much Tory hatred is displayed ;
We're certain that the G. 0. M. is worthy of our trust,
But the Jingo folk would like to see him altogether bust." t
AT West Ham lately, John and Ellen were accused of
stealing some plated spoons and forks. What more natural, r" Js
therefore, that among those instrumental in bringing the
affair to an issue should be Detective Hallmark? There THICK OR THIN.
must be sterling qualities in a man of his stamp. Small Boy.-" I WANTS A NICE HADDICK, PLEASE."
Fishmonger.-" DO YOU WANT A FINNON ?"
VERY SHOCKING."-The earthquake in Spain, SmallBoy.-" No, I noN'T; I WANTS A FICK 'UN."
WINTER EXHIBITIONS. content. In our opinion, one of the best works in the Academy show is a
simple study by Velasquez, entitled, "Head of a Man."
THE ROYAL ACADEMY AND THE GROSVENOR The Grosvenor Gallery is entirely devoted to an exhibition of works
GALLERY. of Gainsborough, and a collection of drawings by that fantastic humour-
IT may be laid down as a general proposition that not to admire every ist, the late Richard Doyle, Gainsborough's works, of course, forming
work on view in exhibitions of pictures by old masters and deceased the chief attraction. His portrait of David Garrick" is said to be an
modern masters, constitutes extreme heresy; but the public will have excellent likeness of that versatile genius ; the actor wears a tolerably
their faith in the miraculous powers of certain departed brethren of the happy expression considering that he is propped up bareheaded against
brush, strained to the uttermost in order to accept many of the produc- a pedestal in dismal grounds, while a dank, damp riverside-looking fog
tions now exhibited at Burlington House and the Grosvenor Gallery as is creeping up towards him in the background. "Colonel St. Ledger"
meritorious works of art. There are numbers of sane-looking paintings is another interesting portrait. The gallant colonel was born in 1756,
in both shows, more or less cracked. The anomaly adds to their in- became a great friend of the Prince of Wales, and was made Colonel of
terest. First Foot Guards in 1782, which shows that promotion in the army
To begin with the Academy entertainment. A "Portrait of Eliza- was considerably more rapid in the good old days than it is at present.
beth, Marchioness of Lothian," by Sir Joshua Reynolds, is as delicate Colonel St. Ledger once gained great distinction by making one of a
in colour as Dresden china, and the lady in question presents the party who gave an extravagant dinner. This proves that glory was not
appearance of a reckless dame who has ventured into a hot room too so terribly difficult to gain in the good old days as it is in our unappre-
suddenly after having her face thickly enamelled with crgme de lis. Sir ciative times. We hardly think the warrior's head compares favourably
Edwin Landseer's life-size figure of "A Fallen Monarch "-repre- with Lord Wolseley's. Yet in his day he was quite as much talked about.
sentinrig the British Lion lying dead on a Turkey sponge-is a veritable "The Blue Boy" alone is worth a visit to see, and makes up for much
bit of nature. The bilious hue of Johann Zoffany's work, "Portraits of of the flimsy stuff which has been thought deserving of hanging. Most
Colonel Blair and Family," bears out the truth of the statement that the great men perpetrate bad work, and the popular painter of "Master
picture was painted in India. "Saltash, Devon," by Turner, is grand Jonathan Buttall, the Blue Boy," was no exception to the rule. It is a
masterpiece. Would that the Exhibition hash were flavoured with pity that the inferior specimens of this talented painter's work were not
much more such salt. Sir Joshua Reynolds shows satisfactorily what excluded from the gallery. The above remarks apply to the Doyle col-
brilliant power he possessed by the magnificent portrait, Miss Penelope election. We have the greatest respect for the fanciful sketches of the
Boothby." true-hearted man who, years ago, threw up a lucrative appointment on
Worshippers of tea-board painting will be delighted to find that the a comic contemporary from conscientiously religious scruples. Because
various Jans, Jans Van, and numberless other "vans," contribute the of our veneration for his ability we sorrow to see so many of his
usual quantity of highly-polished Dutch metal pictures. historical weaknesses exposed to public view.
While in the gallery chiefly devoted to the Italian school idolisers of The versatility of Richard Doyle's talent can easily be tested by com-
scriptural subjects painted in rich blues, reds, yellows, purples, greens, paring his drawing, "Battle of Elves and Crows," with his charming
and oranges, may sit down in the centre of the room and suck oranges (if work entitled "Isel Hall." Doyle never thrust himself impertinently
they will only put the peel in their pockets) and gaze serenely at the forward; but when he died England lost and missed a great, though
rainbow-like colours of the pictures that decorate the walls to their hearts' unfashionable, modest artist.
[On and after ist January forms of certificate will lie at the post-offices, and any one bringing a parcel to post may fill up one o1 those forms with the name and
address of the person to whom the parcel is directed, when the officer in attendance will stamp the form with the office stamp. This certificate, it must be clearly
understood, does not indicate that any liability attaches to the Postmeaster-General in the event of loss or damage.]
He took a parcel to post. "Would
Some days after he called again. "Wher's that parcel?" asked. "Why, it's lost," replied the officer. "You'd better find it, then," said the unreasonable
one, "or recoup me." Can't do either," said the officer. "1 hen what was the form I filled up for?' "To bring the postal officials and the public into friendly
intercourse, and amuse both," said the officer; and such, indeed, were the kindly aims of the P. M. G.
IF -U N .-JANUARY 14, 1885s.
"LOITERING AND FREQUENTING."
Police ConstableJ. B.-"NOW THEN, ARE YOU GOING TO MOVE ON, OR ARE YOU NOT?"
Bizzy.-"SHALL DO AS I PLEASE; I AIN'T 'FREQUENTING,' I'M A-STOPPING HERE ALTOGETHER."
6' IF U N JANUARY 14, 1885.
THE MAID-OF-ALL-WORK: A STORY OF
IT was their first; there are people like that, people who look almost
like you and me, only not nearly so beautiful. During fifteen years they
had managed to live and grow fat without a menial in a cap awry and a
heavy hand with one's best dessert service. They had managed to live
with the help of an occasional charwoman and a man twice a year for
window-cleaning and weeding the garden, but when Mr. Smythers re-
ceived his long-expected promotion, and had a desk all to himself in
"the office," with an increase of salary of twenty pounds a year, it was
immediately decided by Mrs. Smythers that they must start a maid-of-
all-work,-call her general servant if you will.
She wasasgeneral servants generallyare, dishevelled astohair, disagree-
able as to temper, and obtuse as a milestone with the miles obli-
But at first she was a joy and a glory. Mrs. Smythers felt like a feudal
chieftain when she commanded Elizar Ann to change her cap, her badge
of servitude, twice a week. It was a triumph to tell her that servants
must not answer," nor be cross, nor ill, that they must always hand
letters with clean hands, although they have just been scouring the
kettle ; it was a pure delight to lead her into those prim paths of strict
morality where followers are less welcome than pickpockets.
And then a cloud appeared on the horizon; the picture was dimmed,
the ambrosial cup had now and then a flavour of wormwood,
"Capital Irish stew, this," said Mr. Smythers, in his happy innocence.
"Capital-with that horrid flavour of onions !"
"Well, yes ; there is a little too much of the onion," Mr. Smythers
And straightway Mrs. Smythers exclaimed,
"Take this disgusting mess away, Elizar Ann, and don't call me
'mum,'-madam is the only word allowed in genteel circles."
Mr. Smythers had only a perspiring cheese for dinner that day, but he
felt formidably genteel, and had yet the feeling on him when he returned
from the office next day. Mrs. Smythers, on the contrary, was sombre
as a Scotch Sunday, and responded to her lord's City gossip with a-
"You haven't heard about Elizar Ann ? "
"No,"returned Mr. Smythers, thinking of burglary, suicide, infanticide.
"Well, she has broken the sugar basin."
That all? It didn't cost eighteenpence 1"
"But that eighteenpence, Mr. Smythers, I am going to deduct from
her wages for the sake of the example. And I beg you won't go and
fetch your slippers yourself, but ring the bell and tell Elizar Ann to
bring them. What's the use of having a general servant if you're obliged
to find your slippers yourself ? But you never had any proper self respect,
Mr. Smythers, and-and I'll deduct one shilling and ninepence, for I'm
sure that saucer wasn't cracked before she came."
When Elizar Ann brought master his shaving water some three days
later, it appears that he looked at her. He positively gazed at his
general servant. There was no use denying the fact, he had even
"made eyes" at his general servant. Why should he deny it? She
was a pretty kind of girl for people who liked that blowsy style of com-
plexion, and long arms, and monstrous feet, and a waist that was forty
inches round if it was one. Some people had such coarse taste;. And
of course, when a master had long talks with his servant in the street-
in the open street.
Here Mr. Smythers cut himself savagely, and raised his meek voice in
"Talked to Elizar Ann in the street ? It's ridiculous-monstrous I-
Tust asked her to get me another shaving brush, for all the hairs are
dropping out of this-look
at it!" 3'
That evening Mr. Smy- I ,
others came home rather --
late and rather rosy; he / .. -
had been at the annual
dinner of the Three Jolly i. i!'
Postboys' Club, and it was '
amazing how fondly in-
clined he felt towards his
species, even when repre-
sented by Mrs. Smythers,
with her hair in curl
"Give me a kiss, Ange-
lica," he exclaimed, bois-
terously throwing his hat
on to the sideboard.
"What a splendid moon
it is !" But Angelica only
"A pound used to last
us four days."
"Don't you remember
when we used to go court-
ing by the riverside, Ange-
lica, when there used to
be moons like these-when
the poetry of motion--"
"I'll count the lumps of i
sugar to-morrow," said / '
Mrs. Smythers, falling
And then came the crisis. -
Smythers had said at din- --
ner that be didn't mind red
hair, and Elizar Ann had a head like a comet. It began in the middle
of the night; it began with sudden gasps and sobs and a flood of tears
that saturated the pillows in two minutes and a half.
"What is it, my own dearest?" inquired Mr. Smythers drowsily.
Oh-ooh-ooh-oh! Let me go home to mamma."
It must be a nervous attack-where are the salts ? "
You know-you know you said it-in your sleep 1"
"Said-El-Elizar Ann, and-ooh-ooh-you-you confess that you
adore red hair-and hers is-carrots "
In one bound Mr. Smythers was in Elizar Ann's bedroom.
"Now, get up, Elizar Ann; get up, and go away immediately.
You're an excellent servant; you're one of the best hands at an upper
crust I have known; you almost make rice pudding eatable. But,
there, Mrs. Smythers is convinced I'm in love with you, and--"
"In love with me I I'll Missus Smythers her- "
I know, I know she's idiotic, but she is Mrs. Smythers. I think
you hideous, repulsive, disgusting ; but, for heaven's sake I go away at
once. Here's a pound-two pounds-ten-but go. For one more week
of Mrs. Smythers and her first servant will land me straightway into
JANUARY 14, i885. 17
"Loitering and Frequenting." A LO 0 1I RO
WHEN a big or little bit of country,
Situate beside a distant ocean,
Far from mighty European nations,
Uninhabited or only dwelt in -
By a despicable race of niggers,
Somehow happens to attract attention
To the simple fact of its existence
Either no one thinks a jot about it,
Or, if thinking, thinks it doesn't matter.
But should they who learn of its existence
Also get a pretty strong suspicion
That some other fellows are designing
To annex that certain bit of country,
And to such an end begin to loiter
Nigh its shores and to frequent its harbours ; i
Thereupon the once-neglected region
Grows into a region of importance
In the eyes of all that look upon it.
Then arises an engrossing question,
Breeding cause for serious heart-burnings:
If this waif of land can be adopted
By the first that likes to play the parent,
Which of all shall grab the foster-darling,
Who shall be the fortunate annexor?
And the principle on which 'tis settled I
Seems to be the old one-" Ev'ry person
For himself, and devil take the hindmost 1"
A Comet-y without any Tragedy.
[Mr. Knobel, of the Royal Astronomical Society, says that he lately
"picked up" Encke's comet, at Braintree, at the precise hour indicated in
WE need not Enck(e)quire too intently, methinks,
Regarding these strange astronomic high jinks,
But all will admit that this scientist elf,
Who comets" picks up" without hurting himself, ,
Acted Knobely, and so, may his fame flourish long,
For he with a comet can com(e)-it most strong. A T E M PT I N G OFFER.
Skoeblack (to Elderly Inebriate).-"SHINE YER BOOTs, SIR? PUT YER
THE "Derby Stakes" won't be on for some months yet, FOOT UP 'ERE, SIR I I'LL POLISH YER BOOTS As BRIGHT AS LOOKIcN'
but a good many people are making a great fuss iust now GLASSES, SO AS YOU'LL BE ABLE SO SEE 'OW TER FIX YER FACE PROPER
about what they call the "Derby (Mis)-stakes." AFORE GOIN' 'OME TO WISIT THE MISSUS."
MORE FROM PARIS. "You shall murder Jules, your clerk, because he is in love with ma-
SHE was really a good little wife, and full of the domestic virtues, dame, and you shall throw him in the Seine in the presence of a large
She absolutely doted on her husband, and would have done anything crowd, who shall clap I I shall be distinguished too I And we will have
for him-rolled cigarettes all day long, read out to him all the latest a wax model made, representing the whole tragedy, and I shall be in
theatrical notices-anything. No, she was not one of your heartless, it !" exclaimed the judge, beside himself with joy.
artificial, brainless little things, devoted to pleasure : far from it. "But you will make the giving of tickets for the trial a great honour
"She is a treasure-a pearl," mused Monsieur her husband. "But -the obtaining them a great difficulty? This is the great point, in order
truly her life is dull, poor little I Her cheek grows pale for want of the that madame may be the centre of envy. You will send her special
enlivenment. The theatre palls upon her; she tires herself of the Bois; tickets, on pink satin ?"
the ball wearies her; she dries of ennui." It shall be done, what you say, for example I exclaimed the judge,
He went and patted her curly head compassionately. "You yearn eagerly. And they shook hands over it, and arranged details. The
fot some fresh diversion, sweet one, is it not ?" he said. affair is at present actively arranged, and is expected to be a success of
A slight rose tinge touched her cheek; she clasped her hands lightly, the most incredible.
with a slight sigh.
I knew it," he said tenderly. "This little face grows pale with Real Cause for Sorrow
dullness; can my poor little suggest a new diversion?" Real Cause for Sorrow.
She looked at him wistfully-longingly; her rosebud lips parted with FUN lately met a distracted swain standing moodily on the Thames
eagerness; her eye sparkled at some unexpressed idea. Embankment and gazing fixedly on the pure and limpid waters that were
"Speak," he whispered. "What thing of new would delight- ?" flowing silently on towards the sea. He was tearing his luxuriant
"It is not much," she replied at length. It is a little thing; but, tresses out in handfuls, and despair and frenzy were marked upon every
oh I what pleasure-what diversion. Hold, if I could only be the nearest feature of his careworn countenance. "Why this anguish?" asked FUN,
relation of some one who had murdered somebody I Not a dull, com- ever ready to succour the suffering. "Has thy loved one rejected thee ?"
monplace assassination-my faith, no I But a proper sensational dra- "Alas I know not" replied he, I have had no opportunity of learn-
matic crime I Will you kill somebody? It does not matter whom; ing. To-day, I dressed myself in all my best, and rushed madly to her
only it must be a cruel deed. Say, then, is it not? Then the good house to offer her my hand and heart; but, on arriving at her father's
judge will give me tickets for the trial, let us see, is it not? And, my doorstep, I found to my horror that I looked a fright. And then I re-
faith I all my female friends that they will be jealous, for example." membered that I had forgotten to use, before leaving home, Hamilton's
He pressed her admiringly to his heart, and mused: "A thousand Patent Portable Trousers Stretcher; and so I rushed away again." Poor
faiths, let us see! Hold now, what could be more natural and as it fellow his distress of mind is easily understood.
must. Am I not deputy-poet-eminent literature? Will it not amuse
the little ? and, beyond, will it not render me famous?"
He called excitedly on his good friend the judge. The judge was de- A CERTAIN popular author announces a new novel called "Malt."
lighted with the idea. They enlarged upon it between them, those two; Doubtless the "temperance" party will consider that the story needs
for example some (m)alteration.
JANUARY 14, 1885.
IF an American millionaire saes an unmarried daughter drifting into
a state of sweet melancholy, he invariably asks her if she would like to
be a princess. Woman-like, she
jumps at the idea, and is half
cured at once. Pa and theyoung
lady pack up their traps prompt-
k ly, and make tracks for the sunny
blue-skied land of yellow vine-
leaves, mellow white marble,
lizards, and princes-Italy-
beautiful Italy. On arriving at
the precise spot he has fixed on,
the millionaire takes rooms in
the best hotel, goes to his sleep-
ing apartment, mixes and im-
bibes a private cocktail (for
though he is ready to trust Ita-
lian princes, he will not trust
Italian drinks) and starts off to
.-- .find a scion of royalty. Within
an hour or so the object of his
search is discovered, unwashed,
perhaps, and seated in some
tenth-rate restaurant playing
dominoes. But no matter I he
is a prince, and the next day the
millionaire's daughter is mar-
ried to him. All are happy, especially the prince. Later on such a young
lady generally has a return of melancholy. But it isn't sweet melancholy.
THE patriot business is not at all a bad branch of industry to follow.
Mr. Parnell has already done capitally by engaging in this occupation,
and Mr. Healy's latest testimonial from his admirers amounts to 1,000ooo.
While the peasantry are starving, the agitators fatten on would Erin.
There's one comfort, neither Mr. Parnell nor Mr. Healy are likely men
to spend much of their profits on dynamite.
ARCHDEACON DENISON is an able, eloquent man, but he is too am-
bitious in his flights of fancy. Recently the respected Archdeacon
cleared his throat loudly, and soared wildly into the mysterious regions
of the adulterated cheese question. Finally, and with great declamatory
power, the Archdeacon bade everybody eat the sweet cheese of Ched-
dar instead of filthy substitutes of English or American manufacture."
In his enthusiasm, however, Archdeacon Denison lost sight of the fact
that the large mass of English and American-manufactured cheese is any-
thing but filthy, and he forgot also that if the Somerset manufacturers of
genuine Cheddar were multiplied a hundredfold, they would find
some difficulty in supplying everybody of the cheese-eating fraternity
with sufficient material even to make a yearly Welsh rarebit.
THE Archdeacon predicts all sorts of pains and penalties for the per-
sistent consumers of American cheese, and advises people "never to
touch or go near this popular article of milk curd food. Had he made
the same remarks anent Limburg cheese, we could have understood the
raison d'etre of his counsel. To our knowledge several innocent would-
be gourmands have been either suffocated suddenly by the amazing fumes,
or paralysed promptly by the pungent flavour of this all-powerful and
much beloved luxury.
SOME men are almost pathetic in the delicate way they explain cause
and effect. We met Brown the other day, and remarked in our most
jubilant manner that he looked very ill. I'm feeling dreadful," said
Brown ; "fact is, I went out last night to dinner, and had two or three
glasses of champagne. At least-when I say two or three," he con-
tinued, "you know what I mean," We assured him we didn't know
what he meant, and strode away hastily.
MOURNFUL British subjects who are so muchly distressed about our
Navy being in such a starved-out, neglected condition, may derive
comfort and joy from the glad tidings that the Queen's yacht has been
refitted for the paltry sum of 50,0ooo. It appears, too, that all the
fittings have been made in the most luxurious style for this monetary
trifle. Should such businesslike economy as this be shown for a few
more years, we shall be able to build an extra man-o'-war-some day or
THE Lord Mayor wants to find constables with lucidity of thought,
perspicuity of language, and keenness of observation-all for a few
shillings a week, you know. Still we are making strides. Within a
century it is possible magistrates may sit on the bench who possess all
these desirable qualities, and a few years before the millennium these
excellent attributes may be attached to policemen.
AH how for a long time past has the bitterest envy gnawed at our
hearts at the success of some of our serious contemporaries in persuading
members of secret societies, and such like, to reveal the most sacred
secrets-secrets which they have sworn most solemnly to preserve, and
upon which hang the lives and liberties of all their fellow-plotters. The
other day-after reading the engagingly open-hearted unbosomingg"
of his views (and plans), by a "Leading Anarchist," to the happy Paris
correspondent of an evening contemporary-we could stand it no
longer. We rushed off and inserted an advertisement in a Nihilist publi-
cation, the existence of which is kept profoundly secret, except to
members of the general press. It ran as follows :-" Wanted, members
of secret societies and others engaged in underhanded proceedings, to
reveal all' to a writer for the press. Send photograph, correct name,
and aliases, to Publisher,' 153 Fleet Street."
We had not long to wait. In a day or two a small crowd stood at
our door clamouring for admission-persons, to a man, to whom revela-
tion meant instant death at the very least. We could not interview
more than one at a time, and we keenly sympathised with the disappoint-
ment of the many whom we were compelled to turn away. The fortu-
nate one we admitted, on the other hand, beamed all over with frank
and unconcealed joy.
"You are a conspirator?" we asked.
"I am," he replied. But before I dare to reveal the dangerous
secrets in my keeping, you must swear to me that you will employ them
solely for publication in the daily or weekly press."
It is for that purpose we want them," we replied,
Every shade of uneasiness passed from his face, as he said with a
simple frankness which endeared him to us at once, "I am a head-
centre of the Clan-na Brotherhood of Irish Murderous Sneaks. Every
member is bound on joining, by the most terrible oaths, never to betray
the organisation ; in fact, to do so is equivalent to certain death at the
hands of the Brotherhood. I am known as 'Father St. Gwinnery,'
but my real name-which it is instant ruin to reveal-is Patsy Gorey.
I will tell you the names of the other members, although to do so is to
ensure not only ruin to them personally, but also the failure of all our
most cherished plans. You had better jot them down."
And now as to your present plans ? "
"Our greatest effort is ripe for execution. To breathe a word about
it is to put the authorities instantly on the scent, and defeat the ends for
which we have laboured so zealously."
"We will inform no living soul except the authorities at Scotland
Yard and the general public," we said; and he was instantly re-assured,
and continued : -
Well, then, all is arranged for the destruction of St. Paul's, the Palace
of Westminster, and the Home Office at six this evening. I have here
the machine destined for St. Paul's, and on leaving you I shall proceed
in a hansom-(No 22,915,348; dapple grey horse with bay points and
strawberry-roan mane and tail; driver in white hat with red feather, in
order to avoid remark)-to Holborn Viaduct, where I shall pick up Mr.
Rory O'More (generally known as 'Number One '). Tall. stout man
about five feet one in height, slender figure, wearing a light overcoat of
deep brown colour, and a stiff black hat of soft green felt. After this we
shall proceed together on foot, in the same hansom, by way of the Marble
Arch and Kennington Oval, to Birdcage Walk at the back of St. Paul's
Cathedral, deposit the infernal machine, ignite the clockwork, and pro-
ceed on a Putney Bridge omnibus to St. Pancras, and so by the South
Western Railway to Cambridge, en route for Ireland, where we shall
catch the train to America."
He left, and, keeping in mind our solemn promise to him, we at once
telegraphed the particulars to Scotland Yard. There was no attempt on
St. Paul's, Westminster Palace, or the Home Office that night; but no
doubt our informant had made one or two important mistakes in explain-
ing details. That night, however, the Underground Railway was blown
up in its entire length. ___
NOT TO BE "SAT UPON."-The "Seats" Bill.
JANUARY 14, i885. F-UNT 19
HOW JONES WAS FOUND OUT.
Jones has been, let us say, to a He finds Supper left, with Notice Prepares to enjoy it. The Dish Next Morning.
Committee Meeting. about Cover.
REASON OR INSTINCT ?-(OR NEITHER?)
(To the Editor of FUN.)
DEAR SIR,-Like the other dog "Nipper," whose letter you published
in your last week's issue, I, too, take a great interest in the discussion
now proceeding on the question, Can men reason ? but for my part,
I am more than half convinced that they not only can, but do do so on
many occasions. "Nipper," in support of his theory of man's inability
to do so, quotes the case of an owner he had, in whom the power of in-
telligent "recognition of familiar objects was absent, and tells us of
occasions on which the man in question entirely failed to recognize
acquaintances of whom he had borrowed various sums; and of that on
which, having accidentally let fall a pawn-ticket in the presence of those
on whom he was anxious to make a favourable impression, he appeared
wholly unable to recognize the article as his own. Now, Sir, I happen
to have kept company for a considerable period with the very owner to
whom Nipper" (whom, I confess, I have never had the pleasure of
seeing in the same company; although, of course, he may have been
there, as he states) alludes; and I unhesitatingly assert that on many
occasions I have observed in him the most unequivocal signs of the power
of recognition, which Nipper declares to be the most elementary form
of reason. I have clearly in my recollection a remarkable instance of
this. I remember how one day, when I and my owner were walking
down a quiet street, we met a man. Now I am quite sure that my
owner had never before seen the man in the same clothes he was then
wearing-an ordinary walking-suit of tweed-as, whenever we had seen
him before, he had invariably worn a dark blue tunic and trousers, black
belt and helmet, short, truncheon in leather case, and sometimes a bull's-
eye lantern. Yet it was evident that my owner not only recognized this
man. but actually "associated him in some unexplained way with
some unpleasant or repulsive idea; for he suddenly turned down an
alley and walked away very quickly, as though anxious to avoid a meet-
ing. Now, Sir, can any reasonable animal assert that the power of re-
cognition was wanting in this case ?
Another (to my mind) very convincing proof of this power was the
way in which the same man never failed to recognize me. I have spoken
of him as my "owner," but he was only so at intervals, and for short
When he and I first met, my owner was an old lady residing in Ken-
sington, and I happened to be out for a run by myself. As the man
appeared of a kind and affectionate nature, and seemed to take to me, I
was induced by the offer of some very tasty meat to accompany him to
his home in the East End, and be tied up. About a week after this, how-
ever, a friend of his took me back to the old lady in Kensington, and
exchanged me for some sovereigns. Now Sir, after this that occasional
owner of mine never failed to recognize, not only myself, but the old
lady, about once a month, in spite of two changes of residence on the
part of the old lady, and to renew the invitation to me to spend a few
days with him at the East End. If I grant that, in this instance, intel-
ligent recognition of me was induced by affection for the object recog-
nised, does that in any way disprove the undoubted fact that the power
of recognition was there ? Certainly not.
Nor does that owner of mine supply the only instance which has come
within my experience. I well remember that, during one of my short
sojourns with him in the East End, a gentleman called once, and gave
the clearest proof that he also possessed the power by recognizing some
spoons and a watch and chain which my owner, obviously with a view
to solving the very point now under discussion, had removed from his
premises. I am, dear Sir, yours, &c.,
Whe(at) tell you this.
MR. CHAPLIN has reduced, to the extent of fifty per cent, the rents on
all his land that is under wheat cultivation. From this it would seem
that the Hon. Member for Mid-Lincolnshire, apart from his rather rabid
politics, is the sort of Chap-Lin-colnshire should honour.
"THE STRUGGLE FOR THE WORLD HAS COMMENCED."
Ad- To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will itey be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
THE RISING SON !-(As seen on January 8th, z885.)
OUR genial Heir-Apparent's son and heir,-
(Termed by FUN'S artist here, "the Rising Son")
A youth whose talents e'er have promised fair,
To-day attains the age of Twenty-One.
Among the thousands who their greetings send
To you, young Prince, on this auspicious day,
You'll not discover any firmer friend
Than FUN, who makes your grandma's subjects gay.
"Prince Edward I "-most of those who bore that name,
In England's history justly are renowned ;
The First and Third as warrior-chiefs gained fame,
And one great Edward lived not to be crowned.
And the Sixth Edward-meek and earnest youth,
In doing good spent all his too brief reign,
The Omnifarious Oxford.
HOWEVER the catering ability of Manager J. H. Jennings maybe taxed,
it always rises equal to the occasion. The present seasonable and reason-
able entertainment he gives at the Oxford is so excellently well varied,
that in the small space at our disposal it is almost futile to attempt to
particularise. But we may say that boys, young and old-yea, bald heads
and shrimps-gaze on the tastefully mounted Spanish Ballet Juanita with
exceeding veneration. The ladies among the audience do not seem to be
in the slightest degree jealous of the sylph-like jumpists' charms, but
audibly express their approval of Paul Valentine's "invention." This
is saying much. Let us go further, and remark that though it is a gross
breach of etiquette to die in any place of public resort, the confirmed
" peggist out "might be excused for dying of laughter through the unctuous
whimsicalities of James Fawn. Several moral lessons, too, are to be
learned at the Oxford show. The Boisset Troupe, in an eccentric gym-
nastic performance, shows how human beings can twist and turn them-
selves about, without injuring either themselves or lookers-on. These
artistes are grotesque, graceful, and ingenious. Young couples who
He warred, in peacefulness, for right and truth,
Two pillars they, our empire to sustain.
So FUN would counsel you, young Edward Eight
(Whose name to-day is talked of through the land),
Now you have happily reached man's estate-
To take as patterns this illustrious band.
And for frank courtesy and mood serene,
Your royal pa will an example show I
For gentleness, heed well our future queen,
Your mother-e'er beloved by high and low I
And let your Sovereign Lady's noble traits
Serve, with your mother's counsel, as your guide,
So shall you truly earn the unfeigned praise
Of this our nation, famous far and wide.
contemplate settling down in life may gain valuable experience by pon-
dering over the suburban song, The House that Jerry Built," while to
their advantage gay young bachelors should listen to Charles Godfrey's
chant, Why don't you go and get married," to the bitter end ; and then
meander towards the American bar, where the intelligent compounder
of mysterious drinks dispenses fluids which would even gladden the heart
of a father of twins.
A RICHMOND correspondent writes to say that it is too bad to think
of trying the young woman who did not succeed in drowning the two
little girls at Chiswick lately. He says he feels sure that she must have
been actuated solely by the interests of the Richmondites ; she had doubt-
less heard of the talk as to the dryness of the Thames bed and the ne-
cessity for a lock further down the river, and wanted to try how a couple
of little Weirs would answer as a substitute.
LIGHT" TRAPPINGS.-The new luminous harness.
R I D S' Hath
BIRD CUSTARD e *iii Jadh y
A 6d. Packet Is
S.ame et f1r 3 CAUTION.-If C
sPait. f. 7 Cocoa thickens in the
Packe inas cup, its proves the
mat ,tsme aarai approeaa an. Wna oMs t a ya 0, addition of Starch
ALTRED BIRD & SONS Devonshire Workr lead artie, a net her scratch nr spurt, the p adoints ob Sta
Blrngha. roand S aewpraceas. S PosreMedalsawarded.otothe PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.G.
Wednesday, January 14th, 1885.
JANUARY 2[, 1885. IF N. 21
FUN'S THEATRICAL "PAGES."
No, I.-" A RAT I A RAT 11" BEHIND THE HARRIS !
VOL. Xb.-NO. 1028.
22 TJi JANUARY 21, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
'- l' DRURY LANE.-Mr. Har-
-^ .3'W.'J., --.F- ris's pantomime is rattling
i ly, which is, of course,
nothing to what it will do.
It is a real good pantomime
from all points of view ; the
smothering process has not
been applied to the story,
and the excellent comedians
Engaged do not appear to be
at a loss to make fun within
the limits assigned. The
company is altogether a
strong one, and everybody
has something to do with the
story. Miss Fanny Leslie
W 'L -" ; is an ideal pantomime hero,
as few need reminding; her
dancing is particularly grace-
ful and original; and Miss
c BKate Munro is a pleasant
Alice, but I am not, and
never was, among the ad-
rHE SURREV.-ALADDIN & THE 'SACRED LAMP. nemrer was, among this ladyssingadng.
Now for a glance at the cast-each member of it with something
characteristic to say and do, and all at their best-is it not to call up
retrospective and prospective visions of many a merry hour, and an in-
citement to book seats for the rest of the run, and "sit in them every
night?" But I can't leave out Mr. Charles Lauri, jun., as the Cat-
the cat, mark you !-surely the cattiest cat ever seen on the stage.
BUT what am I to say of the scenery, dresses, processions, and the
rest of the elaborate setting ? Look at that comical combination mask,
"the five senses ;" look at Madame Katti Lanners-most indispensable
of Drury Lanners-Catty kittens in Catland; look at that lovely scene
of Highgate Hill, and weep sorrowfully over the parting of Dick and
Alice; laugh at the merry gambols of the little Wills-o'-the-wisp ; say
"O-o-o-o-h !" at the wonderful flying of the kind and nice-coloured
Robin Goodfellow, and smile gently at Richard's jerky dream; look at
the realistic wreck scene off what is obviously the coast of more-rocky ;
look (until you can scarcely look at anything else, for the dancing-motes
born of its brilliance), at the dazzling, myriad-hued, magnificent, and
only-by-Harris-to-be-surpassed Oriental marriage procession; look at the
comical Lord Mayor's Show; look at the elaborate transformation scene;
and look-oh, I say do look I-here he is again I Dear old Harry Payne-
bless you I Grimaldi isn't in it I-and then tell me how I'm to describe it all
THE SURREY.-Exactly a month from to-day will be your last oppor-
tunity of seeing the pantomime here. It is called Aladdin, and is got
up with all the completeness in every department which has characterized
the Conquest productions this many a year. Mr. Victor Stevens, who
plays the widow with untiring drollery, is a comedian rich in humorous
resource; and I congratulate West-enders on the fact that he comes
"their way" next season along with the clever Albert and Edmund's
troupe, companions of his in this pantomime. Mr. R. Courtneidge,
who is new to me except by name, seems to have a good deal of comi-
cality in him, too, and Mr. G. Conquest, junr., doubles a part in a
somewhat novel fashion. Miss Maude Stafford makes a bright and
ready hero, over whose efforts I could go into raptures, only I'm
Maudered not to by my Editor. She sings well, dances expertly, has
all the necessary "go," and may be safely trusted to "uphold the sacred
lamp" "wherever she may be."
THE GLOBE.-Mr. W. Lestocq's, A Bad Penny, first produced at a
Vaudeville matinxe, has just turned up again here. Without being a
work of startling originality, it is sufficiently likely and interesting to
serve its purpose as a lever de rideau, and is played in a manner rather
above the average by Messrs. Stewart Dawson, and A. Beaumont, and
Miss Noad. The Private Secretary here threatens to emulate the run
of Our Boys.
ST. GEORGE'S HALL.-A most enjoyable evening in every way was
spent here on the occasion of Mr. John Child's first reading of the
season. Mr. Child himself was in splendid form, and gave his season-
ably-selected recital of Dickens's Christmas Carol in a style that left
little, if anything, to be desired-all the humour, all the pathos, all the
character, too (for Mr. Child has the enviable faculty of making, with a
slight touch of voice or manner, every character stand individualised),
were brought out with admirable art and readiness. Miss Annie Albu,
Mr. Maybrick, and others, particularly the first-named, "vocalised"
to enthusiastic and well-deserved plaudits. NESTOR.
PARIS QUITE HERSELF AGAIN.
(BY the most special of arrangements we secured a special wire all to
our special selves to enable our special correspondent to keep us
informed of each incident of the trial as it occurred. Owing to unac-
countable delay in transmission all the telegrams have just come to
hand, rather more than a week or so late; but here they are.)
Paris (we suppress the date because we found it would not keep any
loger).-The affaire Leclinquant Descoulisses, the trial of which is
about to come off, absorbs the whole public attention. By a special
order of the chief of police, anyone found failing to betray violent
emotion on the subject is to be taken to the nearest depit. The Presi-
dent of the Court, M. L'Eclat Despaillettes, has arranged that the
trial shall commence at the stroke of midnight, as he considers that
this will make it more dramatically telling.
Five minutes later.-A small crowd is waiting at the door leading to
the cells; it is composed of the stage-" dressers" of Paris, a prize
having been offered by M. Descoulisses (the eminent poet-deouty) to
the dresser who shall make up Madame Descoulisses most effectively
for the trial. On hearing of the offer the "dressers" wept, shook
bands, and embraced one another. The President has instituted a
grand lottery for the last ticket for places in the court. It has been
won by M. Hysterique Radoteur, the eminent poet and moralist. On
hearing of his good fortune, that gentleman wept and embraced
Five -minutes later.-The competition among the dressers engaged in
making up Madame Descoulisses is most exciting. One of them tried
the effect of a blue nose. One, however, has just made her up as a
skull, and been declared the winner. On hearing the decision the crowd
outside shook hands, embraced one another, and wept.
Five minutes later.-Owing to a hitch in the apparatus of the blue-
light effect to be thrown on the face of Madame Leclinquant Descou-
lisses as she enters the court, she is unable to enter, and the trial is
delayed. In consequence of this her counsel, Maitre Gate-nigauds,
has just rushed frantically round the court, shrieking wildly, "Justice
is betrayed I We are lost I" On this the President, M. L'Eclat Des-
paillettes, has jumped frenziedly on the table, howling madly, The
Majesty of the Court is traduced I Usher, behead that assassin!"
The spectators have risen in a body, and are now weeping and embrac-
ing one another. The police are yelling wildly, Order is assassinated,"
and embracing one another.
Five minutes later.-The blue-light apparatus having been put right,
Madame Descoulisses has entered with a shriek. The spectators in
court are fainting, weeping, and embracing one another.
Five minutes later.-Maitre Gate-nigauds has just spoken most
eloquently in defence of Madame Descoulisses and murder in general.
The jury, wrought to a pitch of enthusiasm, have risen as one man,
and are yelling, Vive l'assassinat Elle est innocent come un angel"
and embracing one another. On hearing this, the counsel for the father
of the lady's victim, Maitre Diabli, has sprung to his feet, and is
screaming maniacally, Meurtriers! Qu'ils sont des chiens que ces
iurls 14! and fainting.
Five minutes later.-Mattre Diabli has just spoken most eloquently
in condemnation of Madame Descoulisses, and in praise of defamers.
The jury have risen in a body, and are howling, Vive les agencies I
Vive les diffamateurs! Elle est coupable comme un dimon a la
lantern I and weeping.
Five minutes later.-The President has taunted the prisoner. The
jury have leapt from the box, and are yelling at, and threatening her.
Five minutes later.-The President has wept over the prisoner. The
jury have leapt from the box, and are embracing her. As it happens
that the trial is now finished, the prisoner is acquitted.
Grand Hysterical Finale.-The whole of Paris is weeping and em-
bracing itself, and fainting, and getting up a petition to the Pope to
canonize Madame Descoulisses. Somebody has said "She did
wrong." The whole of Paris is screaming for her execution ; weeping,
fainting, and embracing itself.
JANUARY 21, I885. FUN.
Where Had I Seen Him Before?
HE held out his hand, and the greeting I took
With warmth, though I could not tell why;
And, in turn, he my dexter extremity shook-
With a sinister glance in his eye.
'Tis but fancy, I thought, that expression belies
The good of his innermost core;
He is doubtless a gentleman, though in disguise-
But where had I seen him before ?
'Twas not at the Barkers, nor yet at the Browns,
'Twas neither in Venice nor Rome;
No matter I He knew me, and borrowed three crowns,
And hoped we were all well at home.
But first he insisted on taking me in
To Short's-we were just by the door;
And we tossed for some sherry, and I didn't win-
But where had I seen him before ?
We tried all the sherries they give you at Short's
(It had now set in wet for the day),
And after the sherries we tasted the ports-
And he never attempted to pay.
He said that next time wouldd be his turn to treat;
Was I sure I'd not take any more ?
No? Well, then, good-bye He was off up the street-
Where could I have seen him before ?
I used to be famous for knowing a face
Years after a first hurried look;
Could always remember the name in each case,
And tell it right off, like a book.
My sudden forgetfulness seems rather strange-
Good heavens My watch! What a bore!
It is gone It has vanished! And so has my change-
Oh I where did I meet him before ?
In search of the base one I hurried away,
When, lo at the corner we met;
He was counting his booty. Cool ? So you may say,
But you've not heard the worst of it yet.
I called a policeman and gave him in charge,
And then, on the station-house floor,
I stammering stood, but could only enlarge
On the fact that I'd-seen him before I
They placed him among a mixed-up kind of lot,
And told them to walk in a line,
And I thought I saw one I could venture to spot
As the man who'd been sharing my wine;
But, looking again, to my grief and dismay,
There were two as like pipes in a store.
I had made a mistake, it is needless to say,
For I'd never seen either before I
"THERE'S MANY A TRUE WORD," &c.
Itinerant Vendor of Pills.-" THESE ERE PILLS ARE COMPOSED OF THE
PUREST AND BEST 'ERBAL PREPARATIONS, AND I GUARANTEE THAT FOR
THE CHILD, HADULT, OR ELDERLY PERSON, THEY ARE EQUALLY
HEFFICACIOUS: THEY WILL 'DO FOR' ANYBODY AND EVERYBODYY"
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN.'
S YOUR valued
ston, I need
Haing I doe si scarcely say,
Ss II TI allude to
tiIe- ,pc T myself) has
u a r T had a long-
a ito oish rest
since he last
can't find it.
He has, however, now risen, like a giant refreshed, and had a wash.
Having done so (and put on his coat), he casts a prospective eye over
the sporting future. The survey reveals nothing unusual to his prac-
tised optic. There is every reason to suppose that horseracing will
continue as heretofore. There is no trustworthy evidence of a speedy
abolition of giving or taking the odds, nor do the noble arts of "welsh-
ing" and "besting" appear in the least danger of becoming extinct.
Tips (each purporting to be the only straight and infallible one, but each
a trifle less trustworthy than the other, with the single exception of my
own, which are undeniably the worst to be had), seem likely to suffer no
diminution whatever, and all bids fair for a merry season.
Coursing (and swearing at the results I) will go on as usual, and long
may this truly Engleash sport continue to do so. The regulation number
of broken legs and shrieks of anguish will result from foQt-bawl, and
cricket will flourish.-There will be short-sightedness among the bats,
noisy factions with the ball, and many an impecunious secretary among
the stumps." Dog exhibitors will be yappy together; billiards will be
on the spot; yachting, in which we yawl delight, will be to the fore, be
the summer a cold or a yacht one; cyclists will look after their own
weal; oarsmen will be under the coach; and glovists will be "on
the box." As for the old man, he will be all there as ever, and has
several good things (a good salary, a good appetite, a good opinion of
himself, and a good cheek.) Send stamps (attached to "good "paper.)
Look out for his selection for the Waterloo Cup almost directly.
Yours, &c. TROPIONIUS.
P.S. Used telegraph stamps and invitations to Salvation Army meet-
ings not accepted,
JACK FROST is a person who's careless, methinks,
And therefore not good as a guide;
For when he prepares to go in for high jinks,
He's inclined to let ev'ry one slide !"
Ba I Pshaw
A TORY organ refers to Mr. Chamberlain as the "Birmingham
Bashaw To judge from the tone of this and similar shrieking
journals, one would imagine that Mr. C. is given to Bash-aw-fully all
who come in his way.
24 F IJN JANUARY 21, 1885.
ANOTHER PURE ARTICLE.
Specimen case of a series we've had lately. A gentleman sued D. Dietz, of London Wall, to recover expenses incurred in keeping and restoring a stray dog. The
anim a followed him, and he took care of it, advertised for, and restored it to, its owner, who refused to pay expenses. "Unfortunately, you cannot recover," said the
magistrate. You have acted very properly, and been treated very scurvily." Dietz's Solicitor:" I ask five shillings expenses" (!!!)
"Is there nothing unadulterated in this age of shams?" we mused despondently. But a pleasant figure appeared at our elbow. "Take comfort," it said; "I
represent an article absolutely pure. I am the latest thing in vogue-the litigant who is in the wrong, knows he is in the wrong, delights in it, wins by a flaw in the
law, and then asks for costs. I am the embodiment of PURE CHERK. -Am I not lovely?"
SJust compare me with the miserable opposing litigant. He is'in the right; but the miserable creature, simply from lack of cheek, loses everything. Are there not
contemptible creatures in the world ? "There are, indeed !" we said heartily.
F I Iell,
" Ought I not to have a pedal of own-a hgh conspicuous place where all may look upon me and admire? You can give me that place, and point me out to
the world. We will, we replied, making the necessary preparations, and choosing a particularly high egg.
|ITJN .-JANUARY 21, 1885.
IF I U1lIv/ r' w I 1141 / N Ii 1 U'IIlFriII
BISMARCK'S "HAPPY FAMILY."
"THE BRITISH LION WILL NOW, BY KEYIND PERMISSION, RULE THE WAVES, WITH THE PROOSHAN
HEAGLE A-SITTING ON HIS 'EAD, EMBLEMATIC OF PEACE AND HAPPINESS. "
THE FAIRY OF DEADMAN'S GULCH.
A TALE OF THE "WILD WEST."
THE Fairy of Deadman's Gulch we called her, with that rough
yearning after poetry which characterizes the miner when he has got
one or two drinks in him.
Never since we pitched our camp by the rushing torrent of Rawbone
River had a voice so angelic
chanted the simple nursery
rhymes of innocent childhood
to a gang of men, to whom
the revolver was judge, jury,
( and executioner.
As she sang, big brawny
Dick Death, the fear-nought
hero of a score of murders,
let the glistening tear drip on
his shaggy moustache, while
his thoughts reverted to his
cradle and that long ago era
S when he had never shot a
man. As she sang, bright
blue-eyed Arthur Amor, the
flute-voiced professional gam-
bler, recalled that even he
had once owned a mother, and
heedlessly let fall the four
aces he invariably carried in
his sleeve on the blossoming
herbs which thrust their buds
through the coarse rank grass,
as'he listened to the Fairy's
The stage had dropped her
one early Spring morning,
when the birds were carolling
their matins in the pure clear
air, at Skeleton Creek. Thence
she had come on to Dead-
man's Gulch,riding Bill Black-
eye's lame donkey. She was
a schoolmistress,- a simple
teacher, and she it was who first introduced conic sections as an evening
amusement instead of draw poker, and substituted logarithms for whisky.
Never before had such innocent, clear, grey eyes gazed upon the
flashing lightning, as it darted from Mount Gallows to Hangman's
Peak; never before had such shell-like ears listened to the roar of the
resounding thunder, as it echoed down Drybones Canyon till it lost its
hundredfold reverberations in the recesses of Redblood Cave.
Not a man in camp but would gladly have laid down any other man's
life for her; not a man but would willingly have stolen his partner's
whisky to solace her lonely hours. But she craved for neither. Her's
was one of those sweet ethereal natures which rose superior to mun-
dane needs. She asked neither for bloodshed nor for ardent spirits.
When one glorious summer afternoon, shortly after she first came
amongst us, handsome Steve Slaughter, the admiration and the terror
of the camp, drew, and shot down Bully Bounce and Bald Bunkum for
denying the supremacy of her beauty over that of the Queen of Sheba,
it needed but our Fairy to say "No more of this," for Slaughter to
return his pistol to his hip pocket, though he had still three shots left,
and three men stood facing him. With these few simple words she
taught him moderation.
Such was her influence over this man, that he even followed his
victims to the grave we dug for them beneath the whispering pines, with
the chill moonlight glittering on the stones which marked their last
In a broken voice he murmured as a requiem that he forgave them, and
we wondered what had wrought this great change in so relentless a hero.
The reason was not far to seek. He loved and was beloved. He,
with the face of an Apollo and the figure of a Hercules, became as a
mere child before the refining influence of the clear grey eyes, the rose-
bud mouth, and the sunny hair of the Fairy of Deadman's Gulch.
dAs we met night after night at the bar of Nick Gore's saloon, we all,
declared with singular unanimity that they were made for one another,
for noble Steve Slaughter had sworn that he would blow daylight through
the first man who questioned his right to make the Fairy of Deadman's
Gulch his bride.
It was a sweet idyll to see these two together. He, the rough miner,
with clay-stained hands and bristling beard ; she, the neatly-dressed,
cleanly-washed school teacher. He with his rough dialect and terror-
striking oaths; she, with her sweet low voice, softly carolling, "How
doth the little busy bee," and lulling him to sleep, after a day's toil, with
the melodies of infancy.
IN TANUARY 21, 1885.
Many a strong man wept as he saw the sight, many a reckless devil-
may-care fellow of six foot two sighed as he tossed the caustic whisky
down his leather throat, and sighed again as he filled another glass.
She, by her graceful presence, had changed our camp from its state of
wild disorder and wholesale disregard of law and propriety to a peaceful
haven of rest, tempered by liquor.
It was Black Blazer, the stage-coach robber, who proposed to change
the name of our camp from Deadman's Gulch to Cupid's Bower; but
there always was a touch of the sentimental about Blazer when he was
not professionally engaged.
So matters stood, when, one day, the Scalp City coach pulled up at
Skeleton Creek, and set down a solitary passenger, who, failing to find
any other means, hired Bill Blackeye to convey him over the mountains,
to Deadman's Gulch, in a wheelbarrow.
He gave his name and address as Mr. Smith, of London. He was
dressed in a big check suit, like a perambulating chessboard. He was
further decorated with a terra-cotta tie, and he wore his hat jauntily over
his left ear, and smoked cigarettes. Three months before, he would have
been a job for the coroner, within an hour of his arrival; but as it was,
in the altered condition of affairs, we let him set up drinks for the crowd
at Nick Gore's saloon, and not a single shot was fired at him. The boys
had lost heart, somehow, and had got out of the way of shooting.
Well, before he had been a week with us, he had met our Fairy.
It must have been that checker-board suit that did it; but when we
heard that, two nights running, the schoolmistress had been teaching him
double equations by moonlight, in the pine wood where Bully Bounce
and Bald Bunkum lay buried, there wasn't one of us you mightn't have
knocked over with a gallon of Kentucky whisky.
Steve Slaughter was away prospecting up in the mountains; but we
knew when he came down, and discovered the state of affairs, there
would be a terrible day of reckoning. We called to mind how once he
had taken a burly Irishman in his arms, and tossed him headlong into
Rawbone River. We spoke to each other of the never-to-be-forgotten
day, when he had wiped up the floor with a Mexican greaser. And then
we looked at Mr. Smith, of London, and sized him for a coffin.
It was a bright moonlight night when Mr.-Smith, of London, entered
Nick Gore's saloon, where we were all assembled, his face radiant, and
his manner hearty,
Gentlemen," said he, "I'm going to marry the schoolmistress. I
want you all to drink long life and happiness to us both."
While he was speaking the door opened behind him, and we saw
Steve Slaughter standing there in the moonlight.
Then we pulled ourselves together, for the fun was about to begin.
That's a lie," said Steve in a voice of thunder, striding across to the
bar. "You ain't going to marry her, for lam."
Don't you try to bully me," said Mr. Smith, of London. I'm
armed, and I can protect myself;" and with these words he pulled out
a little revolver about as large as your finger, all mother-o'-pearl and
nickel plate-the sort of thing you'd find in a toyshop, and about as
much use as a pea-shooter,
We all looked at Steve Slaughter, and stood aside to give him a clear
aim, as we saw his right hand reach for his hip-pocket.
John Gouger (practical John, as we called him), ran off to warn the
But Steve Slaughter, if he meant shooting, changed his mind. He
walked up to the youngster, who was flourishing his toy pistol, and laid
a heavy hand on his shoulder.
"th Look you here, Mister," said he, if you shoot me in the face with
that thing I'll box your ears."
There was a dead silence for a few moments, and then, one by one,
a dozen disappointed men stole noiselessly out into the moonlight.
The camp was never the same after that.
Mr. Smith left by the next stage for Papville, on his way back to
London; a magistrate chancing along married Steve to the Fairy of
Deadman's Gulch; and one by one wewe all left, disgusted at a place
which had wholly lost its distinctive character.
JANUARY 21, 1885- FUi N 27
Bismarck's "Happy Family."
THOUGH we are not aware that as yet
It has been, and wouldd surely beget
(Did it ever occur) an amount of ecstatic surprise,
It is possible that we may see
All the nations of Europe agree
In a state of harmonious glee,
Then the Eagle will curl up its claws
Just to toy with the velvety paws
Of the Bear, that complacently thinks its fierce aspect a sham;
Whilst the rest of the beasts in the show
All their natural hates will forego,
When the Lion-a wholly-tamed foe-
Lieth down with the Lamb.
To establish an era of bliss
And contentment and peace, such as this,
Is a much-to-be-wished consummation and excellent plan;
And could Bismarck but bring it about
By his single endeavour, no doubt
We should say that he was, out and out,
The most wonderful man.
Sharp's the Word I
CONSERVATIVES find another proof of the fatal delays of
the Government, in all the steps they take in Egyptian affairs !
Months ago General Gordon asked for money, and yet, even
now, Mr. Gladstone declines to send out Blunt/
A "Vision "-ary Verse.
[A well-known journal speaks somewhat slightingly of what it calls
"The Apparition of the Tory democracy."]
Our Tory friends will say to this,
We take thy rude remarks amiss.
For in these spirit '-ed attacks,
Thou ghost to rather shade '-y snacks 1"
FROM the unfortunately large size of their feet, several
English ladies have been arrested at the Hague on the sus-
picion of being men dressed in women's clothes. Poor
girls I they were wearing goloshes; their tootsies are really
very small-they only take threes" in boots.
Our Parson,-" WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SNOW STORM, MARY. IT SEEMS
AS IF KIND NATURE HAD WRAPPED OUR SLEEPING VILLAGE IN A PURE
Our Parson's Wife.-"YES; BY WAY OF REMINDING US, DEAR, THAT
LOTS OF OUR POOR VILLAGERS ARE IN NEED OF BLANKETS."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES ANNEXING.
(BY EXTRA-SPECIAL CARRIER PIGEON.)
AN Extra-Special, Sir, is the slave of his employer, and when, in the
middle of my Christmas and New Year card distribution, I received one
of your usually curt but peremptory communications, bidding me to
"be off at once, and annex something somewhere," I only lingered long
enough to ratify the engagement of two stamp-lickers for the use of
Mrs. E.-S. and her family during the card season, and to accept the
tender of Messrs. Fulescap and Demy for the supply of large card enve.
lopes (assorted sizes) at Iis. 6d. per thousand, carriage paid.
This done, I strapped up half a dozen cheap fishing-rods I had pur-
chased with my sticks and umbrellas, crammed three dozen Union Jack
pocket-handkerchiefs, a fireman's helmet, an old copy of the Articles of
War, and a few seven-bladed pocket-knives and hand-mirrors into a bag,
selected six of my trustiest carrier-pigeons, and started off for the South
Pole via the Antipoles with the six pigeons, in that Extra-Special balloon
which, with the reckless enterprise of modern comic journalism, you keep
ready inflated for me day and night on the roof of your office, moored
safely to the chimney-stack.
As soon as I got well out to sea, I kept a sharp look-out below for
unannexed islands, &c. On New Year's Day I was fortunate enough to
espy an extensive iceberg, seemingly at a standstill. I at once descended,
fitted together a fishing-rod, tied on a Union Jack handkerchief, and
sticking it in a soft place in the ice, took possession of the berg in the
name of the Queen, calling it Funday Island.
I was not a moment too soon. As I rose again to the clouds I noticed
two ironclads, flying the flags of France and Germany, bearing down
rapidly on the iceberg from opposite sides, and had the satisfaction of
hearing, though faintly, the mingled sounds of "Sacre bleu! Pot.
amzend Teufels" "Le Diable!" "Donner und Blitzen and simi-
larly emphatic expletives which arose as the French and Germans found
The next day, finding myself sailing over an evidently fertile country,
on which I could see no sign of a flag-pole of any kind, I again de-
scended, and seeing no natives about, proceeded to annex left and right.
I soon used up my fishing-rods for flagstaffs, but I was able to cut young
saplings instead. And I took the precaution of tearing up the handker-
chief flags into four to make them last out.
Later.-I am still annexing, Sir, and having a really high old time.
As I was putting up my fifteenth flag-pole, a curly-headed native came
up with a broad grin and a spear. I at once presented him with a
hand-glass and a seven-bladed pocket-knife (with an implement for
extracting stones from a horse's hoof), and expressed, by vived panto-
mime, that I expected him in return to make over to me all the land I
could see. He grinned more broadly than ever, and began to bore
holes in his thigh with the gimlet-blade of his new knife, which I take
to be the local way of sealing a conveyance of land.
I have no idea where I am or what I am annexing. Should it turn
out that it is New Guinea I am on, I should say I have annexed at least
thirteen and sixpence worth of it already. But I must admit also that
in that case complications may arise. However, I shall go on till I am
stopped, and if you think of sending out a relief expedition in the spring,
don't forget to send plenty more handkerchief flags, a puncheon of rum,
and a bishop !
Latest.-I stop my pigeon to tell you I think that it is New Guinea I
am annexing. I can see a German flag in the distance, and I have just
heard an unutterably terrible sound which I feel positive must be a
Dutch oath. So I must be wary. To make my position stronger, I
have had a pantomimic interview with my grinning friend again. I
allowed him to hear my watch tick, and gave him two effervescing
lozenges ; and he in return, as I take it, has conveyed the whole of the
island to me. At all events, he swallowed both lozenges, and then lay
on his stomach and kicked. This is doubtless the simple way in which
these guileless people seal a land sale. So you will see, Sir, that Herr
Luderitz is not the only man who can pick up land bargains I
In any case I shall to-morrow start for the Antarctic Circle, There
ought to be a nice field for annexation there I
P.S.-Don't forget the puncheon of rum and the bishop, Sir.
STABINGc and shooting affrays between Irish patriots should not be
too much discouraged, either by law or by severe comments on such
conduct. Patriots removing each
other in a brotherly fashion are acting
in a generous way towards ratepayers
in these hard times-by saving the
IT would be well in cases of
prisoners charged with dynamite con-
spiracy always to confine two of them
in the same cell, allowing each plenty
of food, and sharp knives to cut it
with (whisky ad. lib., of course). No
gaoler should be permitted to enter the
dungeon for at least- seven days from
the first hour of their incarceration.
At the end of this period two warders
might go into their place of confine-
ment, and sweep out and decently
bury what remained of the patriots.
CONSIDERING the lax manner in
which that effusive advocate of dyna-
mite, O'Donovan Rossa, keeps his
accounts, 'tis passing strange his gentle breast has not been mangled
yet by some half-starved, aggrieved son of Erin.
Gc.RMANS are no doubt delighted to learn from the mouth of Prince
Bismarck that their navy is strong enough to vindicate German authority
wherever Englishmen defy it. How rapidly that navy must have
increased during the last two or three weeks i Bless us I that navy has
sprung up nearly as quickly as Aladdin's magic palace.
PRINCE BISMARCK once said that war between Germany and England
would be as absurd as a combat between an elephant and a whale.
Since both countries are now wrangling over the territorial food which
each is voraciously anxious to snap up and gorge, a war entered into
for greed at present would more resemble a combat between a hyena
and an alligator.
THE reputation smashers have been hard at work on Prince Albert
Victor's body and mind. Now, we really do know something about
this young man, and can affirm that he is frequently troubled with a
cold in the head during damp weather. Poor lad I he likewise has a
small corn on the little toe of his left foot, which makes him very
peevish when it is trodden on while dancing. Again, he is sadly
diffident, and does not wink at the ladies-in-waiting, as a true Guelph
should. Added to all these defects, he is awkward in his gait when
his boots are too tight. And, sad to relate, he is not expected to settle
down in life and take American drinks before breakfast for some time
to come. We had almost forgotten to state he has a most vindictive
disposition, and has been actually known to strike a French poodle for
snapping at him, showing his revengeful nature by giving it ten hot
buttered crumpets to eat next morning at breakfast.
ALL the world and his wife knows that over chemists' counters many
most useful drugs are sold, which can, if taken in large quantities,
be used as a means of self-destruction. So it is proposed to render the
purchase and, sale of such excellent medicines as chlorodyne and chloral
exceedingly difficult, by placing them under the Poisons Act," "in
order to minimise suicide." Strange to say the well-intentioned folk
who are much exercised in their minds on the chlorodyne and chloral
question, don't trouble themselves a bit about the thriving everyday
trade that is done in revolvers, razors, pocket knives, vermin destroyers,
clothes-lines, and tinned mushrooms. Neither do they express any
wish that the Thames should be levelled to a uniform depth of three
feet, or that the Bristol Suspension Bridge should be moved forthwith,
After thinking over the medicinal suicide business, we deduct that the
human, with a "mind unhinged," bent on destroying him, or herself,
will always readily find some means of doing so. Therefore the more
decently, such miserably ghastly acts are performed the better. Putting
valuable domestic medicines under the "Poisons Act" will cause incon-
venience to many ailing people, and add to the pain and horrors
incurred in cases of self-destruction.
WE hope that Mr. Caine, the new Lord of the Admiralty, will stop
the brutal flogging of boys in the navy. When we learn that in one
ship, on a short cruise, batches of from six to eighteen boys were caned
or birched for trivial offences every morning, till they were bruised,
bleeding, and partially-or wholly-insensible, we think the time has
arrived for a fresh Caine to take the flogging subject in hand.
JANUARY 21, I885,
[Lord Tennyson has accepted the presidency of the British Chess Association.]
OUR Lordly Laureate, by his last wise "move,"
His popularity will sure improve ;
He gains no check" or pieces for his post,
And yet 'tis one of which he well may boast.
But we would inti- "mate" that from A. T.
No poem on the subject shall we see-
Already every reading man recites
His Idylls of the "King," and Table Knights."
MR. FuN's Aunt Lucy went out in the snow that morning. I mean
that morning when it fell so thickly. She had no sooner got out of the
front gate than she saw a middle-aged male person bursting with glee
over something or other, and dancing about like a lunatic.
"No, it ain't because I'm so fond of snow," he remarked, in answer
to Mr. FUN's Aunt Lucy's look of astonished inquiry, "nor it ain't to
keep my feet warm, neither. You see I'm such a Radical."
Mr. FUN's Aunt Lucy gave an alarmed little squeak.
"If you talk like that," she said, I shall call my pa."
"Oh, I don't mean that I'm a gay dawg," said the middle-aged
gentleman, reassuringly, turning a summersault at the same time; "I
mean I'm a regular political Radical-Chamberlain-Dilke-Brum-
"Oh!" said Mr. FUN's Aunt Lucy; "and do all of you-Mr.
Chamberlain and the rest-always stand on your heads in the snow, and
wave your boots like that ?"
"Well, no, it's not usual," the middle-aged gentleman admitted;
"but you see, it gives him another chance."
t" What gives who another chance? What a strange middle-aged
gentleman you are I" said Mr. FUN'S Aunt Lucy.
Don't you see-Snow-Gladstone," he answered, pirouetting on his
left leg, turning a double back somersault, and finishing up with the
splits. Then seeing Mr. FUN's Aunt Lucy still puzzled, he exclaimed,
"here, I'll show it you in the paper."
He gave her a folded newspaper-and pointed out a passage, then he
began patting the snow flakes aside as they fell to prevent them obscur-
ing the print, but there were so many of them, and only one of him that
they soon had very much the best of it, and Mr. FUN's Aunt Lucy looked
as though she'd got the top of a wedding-cake from somewhere,
Never mind," said the middle-aged gentleman, I know it by heart,"
and he repeated the following words in a beautiful alto voice :-
"Mr. Gladstone walked from the Castle through the village to the
church, a distance of nearly half-a-mile, through a tremendous north-
westerly gale, which was accompanied by drenching rain, without the
protection even of an umbrella. As far as outward appearance go, the
Premier is quite himself again."
"There you see !" said the middle-aged gentleman, exuding delight
all over, "when he's got a bad cold, he goes out in the rain without an
umbrella, that's what makeshimhappy, he does enjoy bad weather so-and
catching cold-likes to take his east winds in evening dress, he does.
Hooray I Andnowhere's snow I there'sachance forhim tobehappy I Can't
he stand on his doorstep in his shirt sleeves, and without his hat, and
get covered up in it Hooray Rum-turn, tiddy-iddy what a Grand
Old Man he is l" Here the middle-aged gentleman turned two catherine-
wheels, one across the road, and one back again. If it would only
come a hard black frost now," said he, confidentially, so that he could
go skating in his night-dress, I believe he would never sigh again."
But Mr. FUN'S Aunt Lucy was out of sight at the bare mention of so
airy a costume.
JANUARY 2I, i885. I'TU N 29
THE AGE OF ADVERTISING.
[It was recently stated by a contemporary that Lord Wolseley's prize had been eclipsed by an offer of a well-known firm to give i5o to the first man who placed one
of its handbills on the door of Gordon's palace at Khartoum ]
We imagine it will shortly be made public, that the Also, that the cost of the Egyptian Expedition
additional expenses of improving our Navy will be gua- will be borne by private enterprise, the only stipu-
ranteed by another well-known firm on the above con- lation being advertisements as depicted above.
THE WORST FORM OF MURDER.
(A HINT TO VERMIN-CATCHERS.)
IT was many years hence that a wretched old man crept along unfre-
quented places, keeping as much as possible out of the sight of his fellow-
His downcast eye, his averted face, his hunted expression spoke un-
equivocally enough of some awful and inexpiable crime, whose memory
unceasingly haunted him.
He looked nervously behind him; and at times when his backward
glance appeared to encounter some terror-striking sight, he uttered a
short, agonised exclamation, and threw up his arm as though to ward off
the vision; then he would curse himself, and beat his breast with his
bony fists as though in hate.
We felt pity for the old man, criminal though he might be, and evi-
dently was : we followed him to a sequestered place, and laid a kindly
hand on his shoulder. He shrieked at the touch, then braced himself
to look us, though falteringly, in the face.
"Ah-you are not a ghost of one of them-one of the many-many-
alas! I know not how many I"
What many ? we asked.
"The many of my countrymen whom I have foully murdered," he
sobbed ; "the dozens-possibly hundreds, crowds, city-fulls !"
"What?" we exclaimed, recoiling from him; "is it possible that
one man, not an emperor, can have thus slain wholesale ? Nay-slain
so many that he knows not the approximate number of his victims ?
Were you, then, perchance, a fraudulent contractor for a railway-bridge ?"
"A manufacturer of putrid sausages?"
No-worse ? "
"A small-pox convalescent who travelled in a public conveyance ?"
"A paid agitator ?"
"Then indeed we cannot conceive how you can, to so terrible an ex-
tent, have stained your hands with blood--"
"I did not stain my hands with blood shrieked the old man.
That is my crime. Listen. One day, as I was taking my walks, my
suspicions were aroused by an Irish-American with a strange parcel. -I
followed him into an underground train, getting in the next compart-
ment, and watching him over the partition. As he was about to lower
an infernal machine on to the line, I leapt over and caught him by the
We grasped the old man's hand, embraced him fervently, yelled,
And squeezed the life out of the vermin-broke his neck ? Great
The old man groaned, and hid his wretched face. "No," he mur-
mured, I gave him in charge, and he was let off scot-free by his aider
and abettor, the Law-that is, with three years' penal servitude I I let
him live I-oh, I let him live !" And the miserable old criminal rocked
himself and gnashed his teeth. We flung him from us with loathing and
shut our eyes; he was the worst murderer we had ever seen.
When we eventually meet the Mahdi's forces,
we may expect to find that they have also turned
the advertisement mania to some account.
TO THE EDITOR.
The juniorr Scan and Skimmer's Club.
=- -, ... .. -
I drop this line to say
I'm glad to see the paper states
"To Federate is sure to pay,"
Though I prefer to starve the rates.
And there's one of our Water Co.'s
Supply on constant service aims-
A constant "service," I suppose,
Of more or less illegal claims.
That Mr. Gladstone had a cold,
I noticed with a deal of pain;
But now he's cured it I am told,
By walking in a pouring rain.
There's Chamberlain has been to speak
In Ipswich town, as you're aware,-
Some people think he has a cheek
(I hear he had an abscess there).
To look into the Crofters' "vex,"
That Hassan Fehmi's coming here,
And Bismarck's going to annex
Our stock of Tott'nham Lager Bier.
I hope you saw what Burnand wrote,
And also read what Holling-said.
Ta I ta I Excuse this hurried note.
Yours very truly,
~I.- Aan Pla~i aso ;ur ot ,opu i-ij .uwea az~skntuge, retnus, or fiay lop Contribntions. In no case will theoy he retUrned Unless
accompanied by a stamjed and directed envelope.
TOM TIDDLER'S GROUND.
AWFUL APPARITION SEEN BY THE LAND GRABBERS, OR GROUND LANDLORDS
WHILE ENGAGED IN PICKING UP OTHER PEOPLE'S GOLD AND SILVER.
JANUARY 21, 1885.
A Ditty on the "Dumps."
(The medical papers state that melancholia is very
prevalent just now, especially among the educated and
CAN we believe this startling tale ?
Does melancholia so prevail,
As medical authorities affirm ?
And are the learned, wise, and great,
So oft in this despondent state,
That neathh melancholia's heel they daily
Can people, from misfortune free,
Such horror in existence see,
That they must often groan in grim despair ?
Have all their sufferings been such
That they must dwell in sorrow's clutch,
-Over it but a fashionable air ?
Of brooding some are much too fond,
O'er merest trifles some despond
In terror at the smallest passing cloud.
Ah I some in these high-pressure days
Are apt to act in foolish ways,
And by the slightest crosses they are cowed.
No doubt some are distressed in mind,
And scarce a ray of hope can find;
S But with some 'tis only affectation's pranks-
They mule, and pule, and cry, and sigh,
At but a fleck in Fortune's sky,
And for their many blessings give no thanks.
Arouse, all ye afflicted thus,
So prone to fidget and to fuss;
Tisn't English such a coward form to show.
And though, perhaps, you are not rich,
You'll find you have some blessings which
Should quickly make your melancholy go.
When work and worry strain your mind,
Endeavour cause for hope to find;
And through trouble's clouds will quickly shine
Your duty's crosses boldly bear,
And ne'er give way to dull despair;
And if you want a tonic-why, read FUN I
THE new building added to the Stock Ex-
change has raised this place of business up a
S, bit; It now is reckoned the biggest gambling
show in the world.
"WHO LIVED THERE," by the author of "My Neighbour Nellie"
(FUN Office). This attractive and beautifully illustrated little book is
now upon the stalls, inviting our attention. It is a story told by a shop,
and speaking from a full knowledge of its merits, we advise our readers,
by buying the book, to make the acquaintance of all the nice people,
both old and young, who lived there."-"Love Clouds," by John
Latey, Jun. (FUN Office). Those who read this book will'have a "good
time" while waiting till the clouds roll by,-which they do at the last,
and all "clears up."
After our own Christmas is past, there comes to us specimens of
Christmas leaves from "the other side." In the Christmas "Holiday
Number of 7he Chicago News Letter, which, over and above its pro-
portion of news, has a lot of fully and ably illustrated stories, anecdotes,
and jokes ; and there is in addition a splendid print produced in photo-
graveur by W. A. Cooper, of Chicago, from the original picture by
George Clarin of "At a Masquerade Ball," which is in its way simply
superb. The whole number, in its characteristic cover, is a powerful
"The CLEAN Black Lead."
JAMES' GOLD MEDAL
Successive awards f
for Excellence of IO)L
Cleanliness in use. W0 0 M 1
BIWARX of Worthless Imitation.
evidence of the spirit and enterprise of its producer and its editor.
From Boston (D. Lothorp and Co), we have the Christmas Number
of Wideawake," which, for beauty and variety comes nearer to "St.
Nicholas" than anything else we have seen. From the same house we
have also Baby Land," "Pansy," and Our Little Men and Women,"
each and all of these are excellent in themselves, full of beautiful things,
and admirably suited to young minds.
On our own side we have Leaves that seem to have come late," but
we must not miss mention of these. The Theatre Annual has its eight
separate portraits of favourite actresses, and its group of sixteen distin-
guished authors, who, together furnish forth a bill of fare, both fair and
funny. "St. Stephen's Saturnalia" is deserving of more notice than we
can take of it. "The Pall Mall Christmas Extra" ought to have had
the favourable notice it deserves at an earlier period, but better late
than never. The Bayswater Annual" will find its greatest admirers
in its own locality."
WHAT we should like to see the last" of.-The Bootmakers' Strike.
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, its proves the C o
addition of Starch. 1 c
PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!!
N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
inuary 2rst, 1885.
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, 1
JANUARY 28, 1885.F. 31
THE DRAMA OF LIFE.-" CALLED BACK
As these were proceeding away down Time's track, The Spirit of Pantomime reigning is found, Our final Princess is-hoorah I-is engaged
By great MR. FUN they have just been Called The snow has in some places covered the ground, While poor Mr. Yates is led off to be caged,
Back; A Queenslander wonders where "labour" he'll And Maskelyne finds (very like) that he's"done,"
If over the page you your optics will cast, get, While Edward, the Prince, has become twenty-
You'll find in it notes of the month that is past. And oh I Mr. Gladstone is getting so wet. one.
VOL. XLI.-NO. 1029.
32 F JANUARY 28, 885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HE COMEDY.-This house,
having resolved to relin-
quish the Follies" of its
youth, and thenceforth act
up to its title by producing
comedy pure and simple
(round which the leaven of
the past will linger, how-
ever, in the shape of bur-
lesque), what more natural
than that it should revive
with pretty much the same
cast that presented it at the
Avenue in June, 1883 ?
^ ~ Barbe-Bleue is, of course,
only a stop-gap stratum
between the coming co-
medy period and the short-
reigned Grand Mogul, but
it is got up and played-
S ---; particularly played-with
a spirited completeness
THE COMEDY.-HOW IS HE?-OH, IPRETTv] that should certainly ensure
BOBiCHE! it much popularity, if not a
long run. The sustained
and alert vivacity of Mr.
Arthur Roberts' King Bob6che is simply astonishing; no circumstance,
rehearsed or unrehearsed, finds him at a loss, and he is consistently and
uproariously funny throughout-his humour is certainly of the boisterous
kind,[and draws its illustrations something too much from the pot-house,
race-course, and music-hall to be quite in place in a first-class theatre,
but there can be no question of its utter comicality, or the comedian's
exceptional cleverness, and there is nothing in absolute bad taste. Mr.
Fred Leslie, in the small part of Popolani, exerts himself with similar
good results. In the face of this Popolani, dressed in funereal garb,
and endowed with the laugh of a catarrh-afflicted duck, I defy the
most stolid waistcoat to go home with all its buttons on. M. Marius's
demure solemnity and punctiliously exact behaviour (conceived in a
capital real comedy spirit) cause considerable amusement in another
Miss ST. JOHN'S singing is as enjoyable as ever, but it is an open
question whether she does not over-vulgarise Boulotte's vulgarity. Miss
Lottie Venne is quite her sprightly self as the peasant girl who has ap-
parently established herself as a florist in an obscure village at the foot
of the Jungfrau, but who is subsequently discovered to be of royal birbh,
and triumphantly departs for court in what is described as a palankeen,"
but is nothing of the sort, being simply a perambulator without wheels,
in its pre-painted and pre-upholstered stage, ornamented with a pair
of valuable muslin curtains at a halfpenny per yard, and a lively green
cushion which they evidently wouldn't stand at court, for we afterwards
find it relegated to the obscurity of Blue Beard's family vault. Mr. H.
Bracy sang his part like the sweet-singer he is, but he occasionally found
some difficulty in making his voice and the music fit.
IF ever the practise of "gagging" had excuse, this piece supplies it.
As played at
the actors 1|
have suc- ,, I -
"tal king ,
out" most *;
of the origi- I
the words of ij c'-
the songs I
body ohut sparsely w-
come along -
and al'er all "
but one or
two portions THE COMEDY.-ARCADIAN-NOT TO SAY LOWTHER ARCADIAN.
of the music,
this version of Blue Beard would be capable of affording almost unique
pleasure to listeners.
THE PRINCE'S.-A more than usually expectant audience assembled
here last week, attracted by the announcement that Mrs. Langtry would
reappear on the London stage, after an absence of two years, in a new
play and three new dresses, or (to put them in order of their interest
and Worth), three new dresses and a new play.
IT is a very difficult character Mrs. Langtry has chosen for this
occasion, and one which would probably tax the powers of the most
skilful actress to endow with interest, and so, as Mrs. Langtry is by no
means a skilful actress (although an earnest and painstaking one), the
result is not exciting. In some of the quieter .scenes, such as her first
conversation with the Notary, there are not wanting touches of a certain
art, but, as a whole, there is an utter inadequa. y and want of depth
which betrays the absence of the real acting spirit-the spirit which not
all the drilling or study in the world can create. The peculiarly un-
dignified language of this Princess is not, of course, due to the actress,
but the jerky and chatty manner in which she plays some of her
"strong" scenes does nothing to hide the barrenness of the land.
THE play, as it stands, is not, probably, the worst play ever written,
but it is pretty bad, being seemingly little more than a bald, school-boy
translation, with all the "impossible" to it cut out, and nothing put in
THE story is not of a kind to command the sympathy, scarcely the pa
tience, of an English audience at any time, and told as it is told. A
change of programme will probably soon occur. There is some excellent
acting in the piece, too. Besides Mr. Coghlan's incisive and vigorous
rendering of the hero, there is excellent work from such practised artists
as Mrs. Billington and Mr. Everill, Miss Amy Roselle plays the adven-
turess with an art which almost conceals the fact that she talks a good
deal of arrant nonsense. A portentously artful valet (whose artfulness
comes to nothing, however), is played with praiseworthy care and finish
by Mr. Smedley, and Miss Rosina Phillips shows uncommon tact and
intelligent readiness as a confidential maid.
THE OLYMPIC.-A very good melodrama, with the common faults of
too, too in-
ceded it, p
and a not
duced here -
title of n tn-
His Power. THa OLV'evmI.-"IN HIS POWER," Oa (GAIETY) "IN CHANCeRY."
the author, and shows no mean skill in stage craft, with the result that
a capital play of its kind, interesting, and with plenty of grip, is pre-
sented. It serves as an opportunity for the re-appearance of Miss Ada
Cavendish after the severe illness from which she has, happily, quite re-
covered, and probably much of the unstinted applause she received
partook of the nature of pleased congratulation. A goodly portion was,
however, her undoubted due for her excellent performance, which
showed undiminished power, and enlisted thorough sympathy for the (of
course) sorely-tried heroine (who might, however, assume a bonnet
before sallying forth to the Quartier Latin). Mr. Kyrle Bellew can
play handsome young heroes; Mr. Cartwright, one of our ablest villains,
is also in the cast. The author snorted overmuch, and spoke too in-
distinctly in the small part he contented himself with. Mr. Elsworthy
and Miss Lizzie Claremont supplied the somewhat farcical but necessary
relief, and the spirit in which the play was received may be gathered
from the fact that the author and Miss Cavendish each received a double
call, and Mr. Edgar Bruce came in for half like honour.
WHY does a beautiful young lady gliding gracefully past you remind
you of a doleful chime ?-Because she is a passing belle (bell). [For the
safety of the public, we feel it to be our duty to inform the Lunacy
Commissioners that the author of this riddle is still at large.]
JANUARY 28, I885.
[Referring to a speech by an eminent scientist on the advantages of
vegetarianism, the Evening News asks, But who will write a song on
the cabbage and boiled greens of Old England?"]
OH, who'll write a song (now at once don't all speak)
On the cabbage and greens of our land ? "
Why, behold I notwithstanding the task is unique,
"Yours truly" will take it in hand."
Not much comes amiss to your versatile bard,
Providing 'tis made worth his while ;]
So he'll sing (for a price) of his earnest regard
For the cabbages grown in this isle.
Then, in praise of the broccoli shout, dear boys,
Of the savoy and bold Brussels sprout, dear boys;
So suited to folk both of high and low means
Are the cabbage of England, and England's boiled greens 1
Let others write lyrics on England's roast beef,
From this vegetarians shrink;
A "joint," they say, causes of evils the chief-
'Tis, according to them, worse than drink.
Bat boiled greens and cabbage are innocent fare,
In these no iniquities lie,
As are hidden in meat, people's minds to ensnare-
Besides, they're much cheaper to buy.
Then the cauliflower's virtues let's greet, dear boys,
And the gay summer cabbage let's eat, dear boys;
For good enough food e'en for kings and for queens
Are England's boiled cabbage, and England's boiled greens I
Meretricious is mutton, and vile is all veal,
And pork should be always pooh-poohed !
Beware, too, of beef-peace of mind it doth steal
Whenever you take it as food.
Then fish, flesh; and fowl do not chew, but eschew,
For all these vegetarians ban;
Yet I don t mind confessing (of course entire nous)
That 1 eat these three F's when I can.
Still, greenmeat is awfully gay, dear boys,
If with meat 'tis combined every day, dear boys;
If served up with good joints, then your bard always leans
To England's boiled cabbage, and England's boiled greens I
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
OH, Solomon," gasped Mrs. Blunderberry, entering the breakfast-
room at a run, and catching her morning wrapper in the door-knob.
"Oh, Solomon 1 Is it true that the Germans have taken Africa?"
No, it isn't," replied her lord and master with brutal abruptness, as
he helped himself to a mutton chop, and propped the newspaper in front
of him against the cruet stand.
"But the milkman told cook they'd hoisted their flag," urged the
good lady, always reluctant to give in.
"Let 'em hoist," answered Mr. Blunderberry, peppering his chop.
But what has Sir Garnet Gordon gone to Africa for if the Germans
keep on hoisting flags? "
"Oh, you know a precious lot about flags, don't you? You're an
authority on banners, ain't you ? When you've braved the battle and
the breeze another thousand years or so you'll pass for the union jack.
Stuck on a staff, and unfurled to wave in Heaven's pure ether, any blind
man might take you for the royal standard of England."
How you do go on, Solomon," faltered his wife nervously, as she
casually dropped a sausage into the milk-jug, and proceeded to fish it
out with the sugar-tongs.
"Who wouldn't; to hear a woman talk as if Africa were about the
size of Russell Square, and a coloured pocket-handkerchief would take
it all in? Great Gladstone I Don't you know it's not the Germans we
are fighting, but the Arabs?"
Oh, I do so love those dear, brave Arabian Knights I" cried Mrs.
"Rubbish !" said Mr. Blunderberry, engrossed by his newspaper.
"But you must remember, Solomon, dear, there were a thousand and
one of them, and they lived in golden palaces or else in jewelled caves;
and they had Slaves of the Lamp, and their wives were called Slaves of
the Ring; and wasn't the chief of them named Sindbad ?-or was it
"Stuffand'nonsense, Mrs. B.! Great gracious I what is the woman
talking about ? With the accurate knowledge you possess of the fairy
THE PANTOMIME SEASON.
WOT'SS THIS? WHY, THIS IS LITTLE RED RIDIN' 'OOD, AS WAS
HET UP BY THE WOLF. THAT 'ERE CHAP'S THE CLOWN."
"GET OUT. SHE MUST BE THE CLOWN TO GET HERSELF HET UP."
tales of infancy, two bad puns and a topical song would fit you out com-
plete as a Christmas pantomime. Do you think Lord Wolseley only
needs a crooked sword, a turban, and a pair of baggy trousers to pass for
the Caliph Haroun Alraschid ? Got an idea Lord Charles Beresford
cones out of an iron chest on the seashore in a cloud of smoke when-
ever General Gordon claps his hands, and cries Rahat-Lakoum ? "
I believe Lord Charles Beresford is far too good a sailor ever to run
an ironclad on shore," said Mrs. Blunderberry with an air of satisfaction.
A lot you know about it, don't you ? Think perhaps a cocked hat
and a grievance would fit you out as a naval officer ? As it is, you fuss
enough and make noise enough to be a steam launch."
"Who's won ?" asked Mrs. Blunderberry, vaguely.
Wodyermean? growled her husband.
"Who's got the best of it ?"
"Those who stopped at home. It's better to be in comfortable bar-
racks in a good nurserymaid neighbourhood than marching across the
Oh I Are they really in the desert, Solomon; tell me-did they
find a-a-thingummy-what is the thing people find in a desert ?"
"No, no; not sand, and not camels, and not pyramids or veiled pro-
phets, or dancing-girls-the other thing-you know?"
"No, Mrs. B., no. I cannot attempt to explore the vast vacancy of
your Sahara of a mind. If you would irrigate the sterile plain which
you call your understanding with water from the fountain of knowledge,
it might in time induce a growth of intelligible conversation-ahem I"
and Mr. Blunderberry pulled up his shirt-collar.
"It's an 0 something," continued Mrs. Blunderberry.
0 for omnibus-I'm off," said her lord, putting on his hat and coat.
0-0-O," she murmured to herself, then rushing to the window,
threw it up, and called to her husband at the garden-gate, I know
now, Solomon-oasis; did the poor soldiers pick up any oasises in the
But Mr. Blunderberry returned no answer.
34 IF JIN V JANUARY 28, I88.
A CAMEL C(H)ORPS-US.
[General Booth lately said that Major Tucker had started a Camel Corps in India. It would be a good thing if they could gt camels in this country. When
Gordon had relieved Khartoum, the Government would have an immense number of camels on hand. He was going to ask the Government to make the Salvation Army the
present of a few."-Daily Pater.
: !' > "S- L, A- ; 'i. Ay '
IF these camels are coming, oh dear I oh Concertinas, and trumpets, and tambourines
dear I too
Our streets of all traffic we quickly must clear, (Whichyou at the Stores of the Army may view)
To let General Booth and his Army all come Will give out their-well, say "harmonious"
To the sound of the cymbals and bang of the sounds,
drum I Whenever the General goeth his rounds.
Now this banging, and braying, of course, suits
But the average mind 'tis not likely to soothe,
And the great big hump camels which Booth
thinks so neat,
Willgive us the "hump "if allowed in the street.
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
"NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE USED TO IT!"
(THE following conversation is not intended to be amusing; you
don't want amusing things in a comic paper. It is intended as an
instructive dialogue for those visiting Paris just now. We have not
given the French translation, because we do not know a word of French;
but we have given the spirit of contemporary Parisian feeling, which is
really what the stranger requires to understand. You may say, "It is
difficult to understand-for a Briton, at any rate." We admit it).
FIRST B. : Alphonse, my brave, let us make a little walk together.
We will open the door cautiously, as a street faces the passage, and there
are generally bullets travelling along it.
SECOND B.: Hold-there is a pause in the fusillade. The opportunity
is good ; we will slip out-so. Ha That is unfortunate-a bullet has
gone through your hat.
FIRST B.: It does not signify, as it was not intended for me, and is,
besides, a very small one. It was fired, I fancy, by old Grosmouton,
the retired grocer, at young Mauvaisinge, the medical student, who
winked yesterday at Madame Grosmouton- Dear me I That is a
nasty sword-thrust in your left arm ; let me bind it up.
SECOND B.: Oh, do not trouble. It was not intended for me, for
the gentleman who did it is a perfect stranger to me, and is, indeed, at
this moment apologising. He meant it for that lady who has just passed,
It is nothing ;-but I grieve to see that you have lost your right foot
since I looked last-a moment ago. Shall I assist you to hobble?
FIRST B. : Oh no, it is not of need, since the blunderbuss that caused
it was not aimed at me, but at yonder gentleman, by this lady at the
window. She has explained, and it is a past affair. But your poor leg
has disappeared ; that is another matter I
SECOND B. Not at all. It was wholly unintentional, and therefore
an unimportant incident. It was carried away by the explosion of a
bomb placed in my overcoat pocket by the old lady whom you may have
seen approaching just now. I feel sure she mistook me for another
person-perchance some miscreant who had sat upon her new bonnet,
or cheated her out of a sou ; but, unfortunately, she is not here to explain,
as the explosion took place before she had time to withdraw.
FIRST B. See, here is a cafd. Let us seat ourselves at a table without,
and enjoy a black coffee. Ha I here is a table under the iron screen, so
thoughtfully put up by the proprietor to keep the bullets off. That is
SECOND B. Ah I the poor waiter-that he is riddled I I did not at
first recognize him as a waiter, for there is so much gone of him. But
he is so exposed here; it is unavoidable.
FIRST B. See, then-something crashes through the iron screen, and
removes your head to a great distance. It is not a bullet, for the screen
resists bullets; no-it is a ball from a small field piece. Ah, my poor
friend, I pity you But it is of less consequence, as it was not intended
for you. A gentleman steps up, and politely explains that it was merely
intended for the destruction of the street, whose inhabitants have spoken
rudely about him. Ha! my faith What is this that is arrived? Devil! It
is not to be borne I That rabble of waiter has not brought sugar for my
coffee! Sacred blue, it shall be expiated I But what do first ? Thunder!
I will gnash the teeth; I will shout, and grow red in the face-purple.
I will rush off without my hat to the Government arsenal, and borrow a
large gun. I will return and blow the remaining waiter into ten thousand
fragments-into ten hundred thousand fragments. But first I will write
to my mother and ask her blessing. Ah, that she is good, my mother I
Ah, that he is perfidious, the waiter i-that he is dog, assassin, coward I
Alas my purpose shall not be carried out; for a lady mistakes me for
some one else. She will not be convinced. She opens my mouth, and
pours down my throat a great cup of strychnine. But it is no matter,
for is it not a mistake ?
JANUARY 28, 1885. FUN. 35
The Egyptian Valse.
THEY who in dancing festivities can
Say that they oftentimes twirl,
Know how unpleasant it is when the man
Gets out of step with the girl.
Something-he probably doesn't know"
Sets the performance awry,
Till he breaks into a joggified trot,
Giving the tune the go-by.
Lost is the swan-like, harmonious grace,
Lost is the smooth-flowing swing;
Motion discordant usurping their place,
Spoiling the charm of the thing.
That there is need of tact, patience and
Then, must be perfectly plain,
Ere the four feet of the gay couple will
Step in agreement again.
They, too, who've learned the political
Know this description's not false,
When 'tis applied unto Granville and
In the Egyptian valse.
ACCORDING to the Lord Mayor, po-
licemen have not improved in their
elocutionary powers. They still, he
says, "speak into their boots." In that
case some of the force must be leather-
lunged, and one would almost think that
they belonged sole-ly to the "upper,"
or at least to the wel(t)-to-do classes.
A Burn-and Scorch.
Lo! one whose fond of cracking jokes,-
A war on actress-life would wage !
Quite bpropos, so many folks THE T WO APPEALS.
Of late are "gone" upon the sttige. Mr. G. (to starvitg British Workman).-" AH IF YOU WERE ONLY AN EGYPTIAN, NOW."
The Japanese Village in Humphrey's Hall.
A DEADLY solemnity lingers round this show. Indeed, it might almost
be termed an exhibition of fossils. Still, thevillage and its slow-going
inhabitants afford excessively interesting and instructive study, and will
doubtless continue to attract crowds of sight-seers for some time to come.
It is devoutly to be hoped that all Japanese villages are as clean and
wholesomeas the small collection of country houses erected in Humphrey's
Hall. Everything is spick span new, pure, wholesome, and polished ;
and is calculated to strike horror in the minds of those British working
men who love dirt for dirt's sake. The Japanese men and women on
show may enjoy the most robust health, but their personal appearance
resembles that of people who have just undergone the miseries of a rough
passage across the channel. We notice that they have adopted good
strong Engli.h flannels; which, though warm and comfortable, contrast
strangely with their native costume. The industrial life in the village is
tolerably well illustrated by assiduous laziness. The social life is not
represented thoroughly. A real Japanese execution every half-hour would
make matters much more complete, and might prove a source of great
profit to the promoter. The scenes of domestic life shown are amusing
enough; and we watched two pretty little Japanese damsels flirt with an
aged artificer to our immense satisfaction. But when the young maidens
squirted the contents of two Whitechapel made "ladies tormentors,"
into the venerable frivoler's eyes, and leaving him half blinded, ran
away laughing, we hopped gaily round with dignified delight, being
overjoyed at finding how quickly and easily civilisation spreads.
The variety entertainment given by the native artistes is decidedly
worth listening to, and seeing. We cordially recommend it to those
who love to hear unearthly noises, and delight in watching absurd buf-
foonery. Haters of music may do well to listen to the extraordinary
melodies the Japanese professors of Harmony manage to create. They
thoroughly out-Wagner Wagner Haters of music might become tune-
fully converted by adopting this stringent measure, and be enabled to
discover a music a few strides further off the future than Wagner's. The
wire-walker, the juggler, the fencers, wrestlers, and acrobats are quite
up to the average of second-rate European professors of these arts. But
we must confess to being charmed by the Japaneasy going manner in which
they toiled through their performances.
By the way, the promoter, Mr. O'Buhicrosan, has acted wisely in
starting a Tapanese hairdresser's shop in his show. The Japanese hair-
dressers are invariably honest money-lenders (according to tradition).
Such a curiously miraculous combination of physical and moral cleanliness
in the way of business being on view in the Japanese village, alone makes
the show quite unique.
Sword in Hand.
COLONEL FRED BURNABY, BORN I84I.-KILLED IN ACTION,
JAN. 17TH, 1885.
OH, dauntless heart I and gallant mien I
In worthier cause could life be spent I
To fall for country and for Queen,
On leagued comrade's rescue bent
With sword in hand and face to foe,
'Mid clash of steel and battle cry,
The comrades round who loved him so;
'Twas sure the death he'd wished to die !
SORELY a wealthy country like the United States might make its
starved-out bankrupt ex-president a Government GRANT.
A DEVOURED DISCOURSE.-The fashionable sermonette.
36 F. JANUARY 28, 1885.
VIOLATING ONE'S INCLINATIONS.
(See repeated "repudiation" of Dynamite Po'icy, as communicated to the newspapers.)
Wirra now, an infurnal machane, is it? Och! now, who can ha' put it
there? It's mesilf that intoire'y disapproves ov 'em, Mr. Bull, belave me!"
said the Fenian Brotherhood.
Bin trying to blow ye up, have they now ? Sure, I'm after repudaatin'
the loikes av it all, belave me wurrd," said the Irish Republican Brother-
han er peculiar nof them has hand in it, isn't it?" mused John Bull. "How isone to act ?" "Very simple," replied FUN. "You have only to repudiate
than ia l prypartonja om-Fenians, and Republic11 an d Gaels--and carry out your repudiation wherever you happen to lay hands on 'em. Yes,
tat aaCapital preparation."
F TUJ .-JANUARY 28, I885.
THE EGYPTIAN VALSE.
France.-" PARDON, MILOR; I DO FEAR ZAT I DO TREAD ON ZE TOE."
Milor Granville.-" OOOOH! NOT AT ALL; DON'T MENTION IT, MA'MSELLE-I RATHER LIKE IT."
38 F T
BRING THE CAT.
MRS. G. WASHINGTON BROWN never had a baby.
Everybody said the same thing of her-that she was such a nice little
woman. What every one says must be true. This certainly was.
She was one of those little round, rosy, pink and creamy little
women that put you in mind of a half-opened Gloire de Dijon bud;
and whenever you saw her you wished you were Mr. G. Washington
When you saw Mr. G. Washington Brown you were very glad you
were some one else, for he was a tall, thin, red-nosed, ill-tempered-
looking man, of so unpleasant an aspect that, though you could easily
understand what he saw in Mrs. G. Washington Brown, it was a pro-
blem-a social problem that no one could solve-what Mrs. G. Washing-
ton Brown saw in him.
Extremes meet, and so they -were married. Mr. G. W. B. grew
plainer and more irritable every day; Mrs. G. W. B. more sweet, and
soft, and plump, and rosy, till she seemed like a delicious little baby of
But she never had a baby.
This was a pity.
This was not a pity.
It was a pity, if the baby would have been a girl like her sweet, soft,
dimply little mamma.
It was not a pity, if the baby would have been a long, thin, red-nosed
hugamabuff of a boy like his father.
But we needn't argue the point, for, as aforesaid, Mrs. G. W. B. did
not have a baby.
Ah, me I How often one does see woman's sweetness wasted on the
desert hair that grows upon the back of a dog or a cat, or upon the
moulting feathers of a parrot or a pair of doves.
Hang those doves ot Mrs. G. W. B. I They cooed all day, and all
night too, for, while one of them slept with its head under its wing, the
other cooed to soothe it to sleep.
Then there was that little pug dog which she took out for a walk
every day, at the end of a thin leather thong. You may say you don't
believe in metempsychosis. I do, and I'm ready to swear that a genuine
British burglar's soul occupied the creamy-coloured corpus of that black-
muzzled little horror that barked and snarled at every one it saw.
Then there was the cat I
Well, it certainly was a beautiful cat-one of those long-coated,
squirrel-tailed brown animals, with big whiskers all round its cheeks,
like an alderman or a lord mayor : I don't mean its bristly moustachios,
but the fluffy whiskers. And if it would only have left my flower-beds
alone, and not been always altering the cocoanut fibre, I don't know
that I should have minded that cat, for it was friendly, and there was
something pleasant in its purr.
Shall I own to it ?
Well, I will. No, no! That's not fair, you're laughing at me. I
don't care. I will own to it like a man.
Mrs. G. Washington Brown had a sister wonderfully like herself only
four years younger, and the bud was not quite so fully opened.
Wonderful how they did resemble the Gloire de Dijon rose. In fact,
Grace was about the sweetest-
I'm obliged to obey that order, for I know if I went on describing her
I should begin to rhapsodise, and finish up at the end of a dozen
columns with an ode to my mistress's eyebrow. For it's all right. Grace
has consented. Mrs. G. W. B. smiles and laughs, and Mr. G. W. B.
only growled and said he didn't care.
I was in there when the telegram came, and the dear little woman
looked pale and popped Tittums-that's the cat-off her lap as she
hurriedly opened and read the message.
J^N T. JANUARY 28, 1885.
Puss looked ill-used, but curled herself up on the hearthrug as her
mistress hummed over the message and looked smiling again.
"No answer, Sarah," she said to the maid ; and the telegraph boy
went off whistling as the.dear little woman read over to us,-
From Brown, Cafel Court, to Mrs. G. W. Brown, Myrtle Villa,
Camden Square.-Come on to the office by one. Lunch. Bringthecat."
"Bring the cat?" said Grace and I in a breath.
"Yes, I know," cried the little woman, looking more rosy as she
smiled; I know-it's to please me-he's going to have Tittums pho-
tographed for me, same as he had Prince."
"But he didn't say so, Birdie, "said Grace. She always calls her Birdie.
"No; but that's his way. Now, my dear precious old pussums,
you've got to come up to London to have your dear old likeness taken.
You dear old rum-rum-rum-rum-rum 1"
That is meant to represent the sweet humming noise she made as she
buried her face in puss's fur, and kissed and hugged her, a process of
which the cat seemed to approve, and the sound was made again. You
know it. It is that noise young mothers make among the rolls of fat in
babies' necks to indicate love and delight.
Why, you said you were going into the city, Mr. Scribe," cried Mrs.
G. W. B. "You could see me 'safely there. Why don't you take
Gracie, and then we could all lunch together."
I was going to say, No," for there was the cat. I could not see
myself being escort to the cat. The escort to the lady would have been
all very well. But the cat 1
The question of taking Gracie too, however, settled it, and we started
"Basket-bag ? What nonsense, Mr. Scribe. Just as if I would let
my cat out of a bag !" cried Mrs. G. W. B. No; Tittums will ride
down in the cab as good as gold on its own little mistress's lap ; and oh,
Gracie, I hope Mr. Riggs won't be there with his horrid bulldog l"
By the way, Mr. Riggs shares Brown's office, as the rent is tremendous.
Mr. Rigg's bulldog was forgotten. We rode down in a cab, and the
Persian cat sat as good as gold on its mistress's lap, and in her arms as
we went into Throgmorton Street and down Draper's Gardens to Washy
Brown's office. A number of ribald young stockbrokers grinned, but
they forgot the cat to admire the lady, and directly after we walked into
Brown's office, where a telegraph machine was busy clicking out tape.
The moment the door was shut there was a growl, a rush, and for
the next five minutes Riggs's bulldog was hunting Tittums, till he rushed
up on to the top of a cupboard, and the dog was beaten with parasols
and umbrellas, and a ruler, till he was driven out.
You must be
mad cried ; "
idiotic little wo-
man I What did
you bring that stu-
pid beast for?"
"Don't be so
cross with me,
Georgie dear," .
sobbed the little
woman, and she
looked even pret-
tier in her tears.
"But I am cross;
it makes me look
such a fool! A
tomcat in a stock-
broker's office "
It's no worse
than a bulldog,
dear," she sobbed.
"But why did
you bring it ?"
"You told me to,
"I didn't. Ab-
"Indeed you did,
Mr. Scribe ?"
replied, and Grace
joined in chorus. (
"It's a I .
mean a mistake," he said; "I wrote distinctly, 'Come,' I said, 'Lunch,'
so as to take you to the sale to buy some hyacinth bulbs. And I ended
by saying, bring the catalogue.' "
"You didn't, you cruel fellow I And there's ever so much fur off my
darling's coat. You said Bring the cat I'"
JANUARY 28, I885. F U N 39
A STRINGED INSTRUMENT. A WIND INSTRUMENT. A FINE PEDAL MOVEMENT.
A MOST OBTUSE BRITON.
(WE have received the following from an indignant Parisian, and we
must confess to a feeling of the deepest shame at the almost incredible
obtuseness four countryman.)
To the Editor of FUN."
I write to you of an affair of the most scandalous I! Sacred It used
to say itself that the perfidious English could not joke; but, byblue 1 it
goes contrary to itself at present, that proverb there, let us look. It
arrives now that the devil of English cannot see the seriousness.
We have here, sir, an Englishman of the most outrageously stupid,
who has no soul, who sees not in the affairs of life the most tragic, the
most sublime, the most grand and awe-inspiring, but the cause of merri-
ment and of a gaiety of the most thunderstriking and contemptible !
He sojourns with us now there are three weeks, and witnesses among
us domestic and public scenes most solemn and terrible; yet he mis-
takes them for so many jokes that we make, we others. You French
are so humorous," he says. Sacred I
Listen, then, Insular We suffer in my house a terrible tragedy of
family. My wife, who is poetess the most sublime, sees herself insulted
by an infamous critic who says there are faults in her poems I
I read the article, I; and my wife reads it. We beat our breasts and
weep, and throw ourselves into the arms. Then we tear ourselves out the
hair, and vow vengeance. And see there that Englishman who thinks
we joke, and laughs; who says how we are a people who make a great
pleasantry in every circumstance-a funny people !
It is in vain we assure him that it is a thing most grave. Then I
scream loudly, and jump by the window, and run without my hat to
the office of the cursed pig of critic, and shriek at him, and pull his
snout of nose, and put him a ball of revolver through the ear while ma-
dame gives him strokes of nail on the face. Then we discover that it is
the wrong man, and we fall upon his breast and shed tears upon him.
And it is in vain that we assure the Englishman of the great solem-
nity of the incident; and see him there who laughs again Bluedeath !
Then we make assault on the right assassin of critic, and draw him
some revolver strokes, and riddle him of little holes, and cry, Live the
France and he cries, The liberty and the security are betrayed I "
and then we all scream and embrace. And the obtuse Englishman
laughs still, and thinks we make still pleasantries I Sapristi I
Then the police arrive, and we weep and embrace the police. And
the police weep and are overcome, and cry, "Live the France I And
the Englishman thinks it is all a good joke, though it is a seriousness of
the most terrible.
Then we go to the prison, and our friends gather round us, and we
make a discourse; and our friends are overcome, and the judge comes to
browbeat us, and we do not tell him enough things condemners of our-
selves, whereat the judge tears out the hair and cries, "Down with the
Prussians Bismarck to the guillotine and the gaolers are overcome.
And the judge joins with us in assuring the Englishman that it is the
most terrible earnest; but the big stupid pig of Englishman does not
understand the solemness, and cracks of laugh, my faith I
And one conveys the assassin of critic to the hospital; and the doctors
shudder, and are overcome to see so many holes, an fall themselves in
the arms, and cry, Live the beautiful France And one cures the
defamer ; and the doctors shout with joy, and dance along the street
without hat to convey the intelligence to the judge, who shakes hands
with the jailer and embraces myself and madame, spreading a torrent of
tears of joy, and makes a little discourse of the most touching.
And still the dog of Englishman laughs as if at a great joke, and says,
"That you are funny, you French That you make the fine arms 1"
Then we embrace the good friend of critic, and affiance him to our
daughter, and then introduce them; and we dine together at the Royal
Palace, and embrace the waiters for joy; and the Englishman still
laughs, not knowing that it is all to the great serious. Oh, that you are
some mockers, you other English !
Accept, Sir, the assurances of my contempt the most distinguished,
A Wail for the "Weed."
[An attempt is being made to get permission to grow tobacco again granted to
Ireland. The industry has been dead for many years owing to stringent English
0, OIRELAND'S in a sorry groove-
Indade, poor Erin's on the rack, 0 1
But, ah I she surely might improve
If they'd but let her grow tobacco.
Ages back the wade she grew,
Till English kings came on her track, 0 !
An' w;d their rich land-grabbin' crew
Forbade her growing' more tobacco.
And later laws, more sthringent still,
Made her the source of rhino lack, 0 1
And kept the money from her till,
Which she'd have earned by her tobacco.
For wance, as good as furrin' lands,
To thrain the wade she had the knack, 0 I
But now she's in misfortin's bands,
Because she mustn't grow tobacco.
Thin, England, this onkyindness cayce;
Come, darlint, don't our heartstrings crack, 0 1
We'd mebbe smoke the poipe av pace
Af we again might grow tobacco.
NOT A PLEASANT DANCE FOR PRIsoNERs.-The quod-rill.
40 FTJU N JANUARY 28, 1885.
AT a spiritualistic seance, Mr. Stuart Cumberland once squirted liquid
cochineal over the face of a chilly spirit who asserted that he had the
honour to be the shade of Mr. Cumber-
land's long-lost brother. After squirting
freely, Mr. Cumberland's annoyance at
the reference to a long-lost brother (who
never had an existence in this world, or
any other), was mollified. In fact, Mr.
Stuart Cumberland's feelings were more
than soothed by the medium's howls of
fright, and the audience'showls of delight,
as the gas was suddenly turned up ; for
then a ghost was made visible to the
audience with a face rubicund-aye, a
face suggestive of a countenance belong-
ing to a spirit given to the inordinate
consumption of alcoholic stimulant.
MEDICAL men are delighted to find
that melancholia is making a rapid rush
onwards. They are justly pleased, for
shrewd doctors thrive healthily on this
erratic mania-n sweet melancholy."
Of course, now and again doctors who
are not men of the world trip over, and
come croppers when attending hypochondriac cases. For instance (to
date back a little) one Dr. Radcliffe,a famous physician of Queen Anne's
out to attend the Princess Anne (the future Queen of England). The
Pdrncess Anne had become a confirmed hypochondriac after the death
of her sister Maty, and would send for her doctor at most unreasonable
hours to treat her for imaginary complaints. On the occasion we refer
to, Dr. Radciffe was enjoying himself with some boon companions, when
the Princess Anne despatched a messenger to him commanding him to
attend her without delay. The doctor delayed considerably, however,
and remarked tohe re the bearer of the royal command, "It's all fancy; the
Princess is perfectly well." Next morning, when Dr. Radcliffe strolled
into the palace to visit his royal patient, he received the unpleasant intelli-
genc t e that he no longer held the post of court physician. Had this
learned, but unworldly man, trotted round promptly when summoned,
and have prescribed every delicacy out of season, he would, while honing
his town pockets, have done his patient good. He might also have re-
ceived the order of knighthood instead of the order of dismissal, and
have saved all the pretty maids of-honour the trouble of calling him
dreadfully wicked names.
IT is not true thaf the Premier called his son, the Rev. Stephen Glad-
stone, into a lumber-roo Sul, and spanked him severely with an axe-handle
for daring to get engaged to the daughter of a red-hot, fire-eating Tory
of the old school. No I the G. BosphorusM. has only cut a birch which he
intends to put in pickle for his bold, bad boy. How facts do get mis-
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.--The Sultan of Turkeyhas imported
a new tricycle from London for the ladies of his harem. The ladies are
charmed with the wobbling innovation, and after flirty behaviour drive
its wheels over the Sultan's sacred bunions with flinty dexterity. Sad
to relate, several almond-eyed beauties have been "sacked in conse-
quence-" sacked" in the Bosphorus. The makers of that tricycle have
several heavy-weight deaths to answer for.
GENERAL business is still very bad throughout the country. But
matters are not quite so black as they are painted. Suicides and murders
are unusually prevalent just now ; so several lawyers, doctors, coroners,
undertakers, and hangmen still manage to make ends meet. Cheer up I
We shall do better by-and-bye.
THE New Orleans Exhibition is not an Orleans plum for the specula-
tors. Just about 50,ooo has been dropped-dropped too deeply for
the smartest American under the sun to fish it up again.
AN Aberystwith spinster has arrived at the mature age of 107 years.
The old lady still affirms that she is open to offers of matrimony, and
declines to admit that she has tramped past the daisy, orange-blossom,
and maiden-hair dressy period. Yet somehow or other young men of
fortune hold off a bit. Perhaps they consider the Aberystwith spinster
to be rather too much more than seven.
SHAM marriages are on the increase I" This information affords a
sort of melancholy satisfaction to the victims of real marriages, who
possess sympathetic natures.
(AND AT OUR OWN GAME TOO 1)
WHAT ailed the FUN Office ?-that was the question.
It commenced with a low and subdued murmur-a distant rumbling
which we took for the premonitory signs of an earthquake.
We leaned the more to this idea for the reason that we ourselves were,
at first faintly, then distinctly, aware of a vibration. Yet, as we atten-
tively considered that vibration, we became more and more convinced
that it proceeded from no movement of the earth. We localised it: it
sprang from the immediate neighbourhood of the diaphragm.
Then the sounds from without ourselves grew more distinct; they
were those of cachinnation-cachinnation which asserted itself in spite
of violent, even superhuman, efforts at suppression.
Incontinently, helplessly, we rose from our editorial chair, tittering,
vibrating with a strange suppressed mirth, the cause and origin of which
were embosomed and bewrapped in the darkly-folding cloak of the
weirdly unaccountable. We struggled; we were vanquished; we
vibrated all round the sanctum, digging in the ribs, with the finger of
aggressive merriment, the arm-chairs, the bookcases, the busts of Bacon
and of John Knox.
At that moment the office boy entered.
"Harkee, lad I" we vibrated-"hee I heel There is something
amiss with us Ha I ha I Ho I ho I Run for a physician instantly."
And even as we spoke we dug him fiercely in the ribs.
With a violent effort the poor boy choked down his mirth. "I
ca-a-an't," he chuckled; "we're all on us took the same way-com-
pozters, an' sbeditor, an' canvsser, an' ksheer, an' orl. Dunno wot's
a-comin' to us, that we don't 1"
Even as we roared with laughter, our eyes started with affright from
our empurpled visage. The vibration had extended itself to the busts
of Bacon and of John Knox ; they were chuckling and winking violently.
Their agonised attempts to dig each other in the ribs were, in that absence
of fingers so characteristic of busts, painful to the humane observer.
Our eye fell upon the following in our newspaper:-
"This was an action to recover damages for the bite of a dog" .
The dog was almost as fierce as a lion. Mr. Justice Wills-' Why,
the do,g was named Lion.' (Laughter.) Plaintiff was standing
near a 'sea-on-land' (a turnabout). Mr. J. Wills-' Oh, I see-a
place where people can get sea-sick.' (Laughter.) He had never
trodden on the dog's tail. Mr. J. Wills-' Had he a tail that hung
down, or curled up ?' Mr. J. Wills-' Did you take it home and
cook it ? (Laughter.) He was a man with one eye. Mr.
J. Wills-' Perhaps the dog had had the other.' (Laughter )."
We tore our gaze away from the fatal newspaper : it was no time for
feeble inaction. The affair must be grappled with : the danger was
imminent, terrible. Yet, at this awful moment, how strange the reflec-
tion that the FuN Office-that office believed by all to be inured to the
dangerous influence of extreme hilarity-should be thus stricken !
"Quick I" we shrieked. Lose not a moment 1 It is the near ap-
proach of Mr. Justice Wills that is affecting us thus. Once let him set
foot within our office, and we are overcome, done for beyond hope.
Post sentries along Fleet Street; stop him at any cost; here are barri-
cades; here'are dynamite and cannon ; here is- Our head began
to swim. Evidently Mr. Justice Wills was within a few doors. The poor
boy sank down, hiccoughing weakly. Gasps and faint cries for pity
stole in from the printing office. With a last effort we crawled, but
half-conscious, along the floor toward the cord of the ventilator, pulled it
with wild desperation, and sank back with a gasp, swooning.
When we awoke fresh sweet air, without a taint of joke, was fanning
our aching temples. "Was it real?" we murmured.
"Yes, indeed," replied the office boy. "He called, and left a packet
of jokes for insertion, and- Yes, yes I"
I ran with 'em to the marshes and buried 'em."
Oh, how fervently did we grasp the hand of the brave, devoted boy I
It is needless to say that we have increased his salary by sixpence per
week. Could we do less?
A "CONFIDENCE" CAROL.
it- ~ -
- .7 -______ L H \,i \iY
THREE lovely young damsels, their pa's joy Theysucceed, and ere long they their confidence In confidence, then, every bobby employs
and pride, show; His craft and his cane on those hard-hearted
In confidence tempt the old "party to slide. Insomeboys-theresultmaybewitnessedbelow. boys!
AW To CORRESPONDSNTS.-The Editor does not ind himself to aknowled-e, return, or fay for Contributions. Is no case will they e returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
42 F Y JANUARY28, 885-.
An Incredible Innovation.
(OR, THE BITTER CRY OF BIRgIH AND
t[" The old nobility, hitherto so exclusive, are turning
their attention to trade and commerce, and supplying
capital to their sons for the purpose of embarking
therein. This is an improvement upon ways of sense-
less luxury. The young men will have wiser and better
thoughts than are acquired among the imbecilities of
five o'clock tea, the dangling after dancers at playhouse
doors," &c., &c.-News of the WPorld.]
AN improvement I Oh, indeed! Bai Jove !
We can't exactly see it in that light;
A If we young swells to business have to go,
'Twill put us all into a pwetty plight.
What I Chain us down to commerce and to
All figgahs, pwices, samples, and such' wot,"
To earn our living we should feel dismayed,
161i E117 I ~And so we'd weather not !
And as for wisah thoughts and bettah bwain,
We don't want these, if they mean work,
The five o'clock tea is quite sufficient stwain,
For aftah that we to the club must go.
The only weal pleasuah that we get
Is hanging wound some theatah-door a-
With pwetty pwesents for some pert young
Who dwesses up in tights!
And so we'd weally beg to be excused
From trying twade, and fwom all sorts of
Awistocwats like us would be confused
By labah; 'tis a thing we always shirk;
At least we youngah scions mostly do;
Our guv'naws sometimes work, or have
But if we soiled our fingahs for a scwew
=Bai Jove I wouldd be too bad I
THE favourite pastime in Norway just now is
"Ski," or snow-shoeing. Quite a light and
airing sport, one would think. But wouldn't
-"Ski "-larking be a better name.
WINANS, the American pet lamb grabbing
millionaire, cannot understand how it is that
Prince Bismarck, the man who holds the des-
tinies of Europe in his hand, only has an un-
l certain income of '8,ooo a year. Winans
guesses that coon Bismarck ain't so cute as
he's thought by slow-travelling Europeans.
____An Opaque Official.
THOUGH the clerk of the weather we often
A CHILD OF THE PERIO D. People mostly imagine he's "knowing,"
Younger Sister.-" Is THAT A FETCHING SORT OF BOOK YOU'RE READING, CISSIE R? But recently it is undoubtedly plain
Elder Sidster (severely).-" IT's A VERY GOOD INSTRUCTIVE BOOK, MAUDIE." That a good deal of dulness" he's showing,
Y. S.-" AH I THEN I KNOW IT'S ONE OF OUIDA'S. BUT IF YOU GIVE ME Six- And some of his tricks, we cannot help re-
PENCE NOW, AND PROMISE, ON YOUR WORD OF HONOUR, TO GIVE ME THE LARGEST marking,
SLICE OF YOUR WEDDING CAKE TO-MORROW, I WON'T TELL PA, NOR FRED, NOR Though meant to be business, are much more
ANYBODY, THAT I CAUGHT YOU READING IT." like (c)lerking.
***** ******* TONGA
,' maintains its
vin the treat.
*0 00 ment oe
0 00 S@ S O Neuralgia."
"Invaluable in facial Neuralgia. Has Cocoa thickens in the
proved effective in all those cases in which we cup, its proves the
have prescribedit."--MedicalPress. addition of Starch.
addito c o a ofStrc. ve me lthenea hprona oat assmo
219,, 416., and llI-. Of all Chemists. PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING aaocess. SPeMeaeded As
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W Lay, at is Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, Jam ary 28th, 188!.
FEBRUARY 4, 1885. F UN, 43
FUN'S THEATRICAL "PAGES."
2- 1^ -.^E~e
, i ,.,
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'i, 'I r' i. ~ ~ ...il 1 '"
;i .-:-J ,,'
:- oTv )D o F
No. 2.-PRINCESS, "THOU Ait TRANSIATFD I"
VO., XLI,-NO. 1030,
27. ,.' .
FEBRUARY 4, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
,.r/ _- / HE VAUDE-
-- i^" r VILLE.- If
'. -' r' the new far-
S- Tiles, by
*' [ .. Mr. J. P.
tains to the
dignity of a
S gested as
Tie VAUDEVILLE.-",LOOSE TILES." possibility
"home nature of the cast, and the evident careful preparation-any
popularity it may secure will be due more to the artistic resource of the
company than to its intrinsic merits. Its main faults are inadequacy of
plot (regarded as subject matter for three acts), too great length, con-
ventionality and artificiality of treatment, and an irritating repetition of
the word "luny." It would be rash to predict an absolute failure for
the piece, however; inadequacy of plot, artificiality, and conventionality,
it has ere now been proved, are not insuperable barriers to success, re-
dundant dialogue can be reduced, and "luny" suppressed.
IT was certainly very funnily acted. Although Mr. Tom Thorne had
little to do beyond appearing in an unrelieved state of terror from the
rise to the fall of the curtain (under the impression that the people
around him were lunatics), he embellished the part with a variety of
comic facial expression, manner, and "business," which-quiet and un-
exaggeratedly natural-was intensely laughable. Miss Sophie Larkin is
a rich feast of humour at all times, although one could wish something
less of a family likeness in the parts she plays, and with Mr. H. Neville's
fresh and breezy manner for the hero, Mr. Lestocq in one of his cha-
racteristic makes-up," Messrs. F. Thorne and E. M. Robson in suit-
able parts, Miss Kate Phillips, with her quick sense of comic character,
and the rest of the Vaudeville company, the new author may well have
been satisfied with the hands he fell into. Loose Tiles may justifiably be
NODS AND WINKs.-Last Friday Our Boys reached its 25oth repre-
sentation at the Strand ; it's something wonderful how that play keeps
up, but then we should expect that of our buoys, perhaps.-Fair Fame,
a society drama by Mr. J. T. Day, will be produced (previous to going
on tour) at the Kilburn Town Hall to-morrow night, "an evening per-
formance at a fashionable suburb being adopted instead of the usual
West-end matinee." This will be balm to the soul of many a jaded
critical scribe, most of them have to attend West-end matinees, but few
are expected to go so far afield as a fashionable suburb.-Miss Kate
Santley at least knows who the author of The Candidate is, because she
for the Roy-
alty is by
that very ii
identical ,' .
informing I ,
mebyletter I '
of the early
of a play
pen, styles i
mine "i fra-
man will DARING ATTEMPT TO FRATERNISE WITH THE AUTHORITIES.
on. A gentleman who commences his career as a dramatic author by
regarding the critic as a man and a brother shows himself so intensely
unconscious of the laws of the game that no hope whatever can be en-
tertained for him.-The Princess at the Prince's is doing well-so, for
the matter of that, is the Prince at the Princess's. NESTOR.
THE LAST STRAW.
POOR Ireland had bravely borne up against centuries of injustice and
calumny ; though heartless tyranny held her by the throat, and black-
hearted oppressors set their heels upon her neck, she had never despaired
until now ; but now this last stroke of wrong was too much for her. She
sank down on a doorstep and sobbed.
"Dear me," said Justice, who happened to come by; "yon giving in,
ma'am? Well, I am surprised I What on earth could ever cause such
a thing as that?"
With a heartbroken gesture the poor creature pointed to an article in
the wicked English newspaper she had just been reading. Justice took
it up, and read these words :-
"We cannot wonder enough at the combined ignorance, cowardice,
and villainy which must go to the composition of a man capable of joining
the Dynamite Brigade. To the great body of their countrymen,
however, it cannot, we are sure, be useless to address some words of
warning and remonstrance. Let them ask themselves whether they
ought not to make it evident to the whole world that they have no sym-
pathy whatever with these atrocious schemes. We ourselves believe
them to be guiltless of any such feeling-"
"There sobbed poor Erin passionately, "there's the bit that hurts
me so I There's injustice I could bear anything but this 1"
"But perhaps," said Justice, soothingly, "you have not told the
writer how your sympathies- "
Not told him? Haven't I refused to drink the health of the alien
Queen at my public meetings ? Haven't I either chuckled, or crowed,
or cheered in my town councils when new dynamite experiments were
reported ? Haven't I sent more money than I could spare to the Skir-
mishing Fund ? Haven't I made use of my vote-in the good times be-
fore they went and passed that infamous Act for the Suppression of Dy-
namiting-to prevent the American Congress doing her duty towards
England, haven't I ?-oh, dear I oh, dear It's cruel I that it is !"
"Of course it. is very painful to be misunderstood," said Justice;
"let us go to the newspaper writer man, and assure him that he entirely
misrepresents your sentiments."
They went to the writer-man. You could see at a glance that he was
one of those persons who will not be induced to open their eyes to the
true state of the case. It was no good. Justice tried to convince him ;
Erin offered to blow up his office with her own fair fingers; he only said,
"No, miss, I feel sure you have no sympathy with these monsters
"Oh, it is useless," sobbed poor Erin. I can't get justice I I shall
die of vexation-I'll blow myself up I "
"Do !" cried Justice eagerly. "Nothing would satisfy me so well '
A Fyffe not to be Played Upon.
(See Mr. C. A. Fyffe's articles on Land Reform in the Daily News.]
MR. C. A. FYFFE (an erudite and earnest Liberal he),
Re Reform of England's Land Laws shows much sense;
And with most of his suggestions thoughtful people will agree,
Though the Tories will most likely take offence.
Not much of the high-f'lutin' does this clear-toned Fyffe proclaim,
Yet territorial magnates will no doubt cry, Fy(ffe) for shame.
Upsetting the Grab-ity.
[An evening journal says that "Mr. Gladstone confronted the doctrine of Ever-
lasting Grab by the doctrine of the Categorical Imperative, the Absolute Must of
Duty and of Right."]
FOR Duty and for Right the G, 0. M.
Has ever fought-a knight both tried and trusty;
But the Conservatives his ways condemn,
And fancy Duty's "Must" is "something Must-y."
NOT SUITABLE FOR THE ENGLISH SHOP.-The French "counter
proposals in Egypt.
FEBRUARY 4, 1885. I UJN 45
Benevolence in Bad Form.
[Referring to the Charity Organisation Society's attitude on the Penny Dinner
question, the Globe says, It certainly would have appeared that the society was
more anxious to have charity dispensed on sound principles than to have the hungry
"Good gracious us how shocking 1I" cry the gentle C. 0. S.,
All charity is sadly misapplied
That is meant to give relief to working people in distress,
And that food for famished children would provide.
But those who againstt our principles are much the saddest sinners,
Are the founders of the movement for Poor Children's Penny Dinners 1
"It is not properly arranged-you cannot make it pay-
No profit does this stupid movement yield;
'Tis simply false economy-'tis money thrown away;
Moreover, for our help you've not appealed.
In the science of benevolence 'tis plain you are beginners,
Or you wouldn't go and waste your funds on Children's Penny Dinners!
"You feed these ill-clad children (who but seldom, as we know,
Get the sustenance of which they stand in need),
But allow us to inform you that much foolishness you show,
For you pander to the poorer classes' greed.
And, mark you I (don't you blush?) you of our praise can ne'er be
While you are so misguided as to give these Penny Dinners I
"You should send your funds to us and we'd distribute them aright-
Every individual case we first would sift;
You say, 'This would diminish our donations.' Yes, it might,
But wouldd teach promiscuous benefactors Thrift.
At present you but make these ill-fed urchins joyful grinners,
7hat's all the good you manage with your clever Penny Dinners 1
"Before you give your charity you should (like us) believe
That needy folks are always on the make;
You shouldn't stop to think how many suff'rers you might grieve,
But at first should treat their poverty as 'fake.'
For the parents of these youngsters, mind, againstt Thrift are awful
So we, who are infallible, object to Penny Dinners !"
But the C. 0. S.'s protest hasn't met with much success,
For the C. 0. S.'s method has been proved
To be a bit too stern and stiff to people in distress
Who to plead for some assistance have been moved.
So, though they of the C. 0. S.'s smile cannot be winners,
The benevolent will still support the Children's Penny Dinners !
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
"OH, my 1 Is it so late?" cried Mrs. Blunderberry as she whisked
into the breakfast parlour, leaving one slipper in the hall, and coiling
her hair into a knot as she entered. It can't be so late "
No, ma'am, it's just fifteen minutes earlier than it will be in a quarter
of an hour," responded Mr. Blunderberry, glowering fiercely as he ex-
tended his arm to help himself to tea, and burnt his fingers in endea-
vouring to draw the pot towards him by the spout. "Yow I" he yelled,
upsetting it in his pain, and flooding the breakfast table. Yow, yow,
"Oh, Solomon, what did you do that for? cried his good lady, as
she sopped up the tea with the Daily Telegraph.
Whatfor? Great gracious I To cause a little pleasureable excite-
ment, to break the usual placid monotony of our breakfast table, and to
give you the opportunity of asking a ridiculous question. What for,
Mrs. B. ? Do you think I burn my fingers to the bone for the sake of
encouraging the manufacture of lint ? Do you suppose I cover myself
with blisters from head to foot in order to pass for the latest edition of
Burns' works ? Do you fancy I mangle, mutilate, and maim myself to
obtain admission to the Hospital for Incurables? "
Never mind, dear," said Mrs. Blunderberry soothingly. It'll be
better directly. Put them in your mouth !"
"Yah I Who told you that Solomon Blunderberry's fingers were an
excellent substitute for butter at breakfast ? What fifty-horse power
steam-engine forced the idea into your head that your husband could
make a meal off blistered digits with tea sauce ? You-you-you can-
nibal I Three feathers, a tomahawk, and a whoop would fit you out
complete as a Patagonian savage. Why ain't you down in time-eh ?
That's what I want to know. Why ain't you down in time ?"
"I'm sure I'm very sorry, dear; I didn't think-I mean I didn't
know-that is, I couldn't-didn't-I'm sure there's something the
matter with the clock. I really didn't know what time it was."
"Pooh I" sneered Mr. Blunderberry, wrapping the end of the table-
cloth round his fingers. Couldn't tell the time-eh ? How will you
get on when there are twenty-four hours on the clock-dial instead of
"They'd never do a thing like that-they aren'tt" said Mrs. Blunder-
They're going to, all the same."
"Then that's Mr. Gladstone," asserted the good lady, with an air of
conviction. "Now that he's knocked down the Church and upset the
Peers, he's going to alter the time-whatever will he do next 1"
Abolish all female Blunderberrys," growled her husband.
But, Solomon, do you mean we shall have to work twenty-four
hours instead of twelve ?"
What rubbish have you got into your head now ?"
"Well, then, if it isn't that, every half-hour will be an hour, and every
hour will be two hours, and there'll never be half-past anything."
That's it-you've hit it-you know all about it I Put your hands
before your face, and you only want a tick and a gold case to be a chro-
nometer. Always wrong as you are, with your plain white face all you
need is a pendulum and an asthmatic wheeze to pass for a Dutch clock.
You're up to the time of day-ain't you ? You know what's o'clock-
don't you? This is the first time you ever heard that there were twenty-
four hours to the day ? "
"No, Solomon, of course not; but if the Liberal Government gives
"Bosh !" interrupted her lord and master; "who told you the sun
went up and down by Act of Parliament? What put it in that muddle-
head of yours that the earth revolved on its axis any faster on account of
the extension of the Franchise ?"
"No Solomon-I understand that-but still, if Mr. Gladstone says-'
"Mr. Gladstone don't say anything. It is I-I-your husband talking,
stupid, and I'll drive this fact into your head if I have to do it with a
sledge hammer. Now listen to me, I'm going to town by the 9 o'clock
omnibus; I shall return to dinner at 18.30 ; after a nap you may bring
me my hot whiskey and water about 22 or a little earlier, and we will be
in bed and asleep by o. There I you understand that, surely I and
Mr. Blunderberry bustled out of the room.
"Poor dear Solomon! sighed his better half. "I never-linew a
scald could affect anyone that way. It's gone to his brain, poor fellow !
I wonder if it's safe to let him out alone."
But while she was wondering, Mr. Blunderberry went.
"IN THE GLOAMING."
Uncle.-" WELL, ETHEL, YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING AT THE
FIRE A LONG WHILE. WHAT DO YOU SEE THERE?"
Ethel (dreamy little dear).-" OH I ALL SORTS OF THINGS,
UNCLE-FACES AND PEOPLE."
johnny practicall, with an eye to lips").-" Do YOU SEE THE
FACE OF ANYBODY THERE WHO'D GIVE YOU HALF-A-CROWN ?"
46 IF TJ IFEBRUARY4, 1885.
A MOST DIFFICULT QUESTION.
In reply to Mr. BURNAND'S article on the stage, Mr. TOOLE says, among other things :-"The actor is content with his social status; and I believe that status is
equal to that of the soldier, the painter, the doctor, the literary man, or any other profession."
!I||7 ,^ 't ,I L '
.' i ,' -,- '- "
i4 ,Z 1
Thete appears, however, to exist the strangest diversity of opinion on this apparently simple point, and FUN's mind wavers painfully from one side to the other.
"Look here," said our friend SAsi the Super, bursting in, accompanied by his sister SALLY of the Ballet, and a lord spiritual; his Reverend Grace and us ha bin
'avin' a argument. He says as a hactor can't go everywhere a bishop can; and I says, 'Wy not?' Wodderyou say, Mr. FUN?"
And while we still deferred judgment, in bounced the Itinerant Physician and Panacea Vendor of Holywell Street, and said :-" Now, Mr. FUN; I ses to 'Enery
Says, The profession of the dealingg hart ust stand higherr than the stage; and 'Enery, 'ee ses, 'Garn I' 'ee ses. Wot deryou think, Mr. FUN ?" Really, we don't
know what to think
IF UJN .-FEBRUARY 4, x885.
K (;~ (\~\,\ 1., /
BACK TO BACK.-BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
Jonatan.m-"YOU LOOK AFTER YOUR SIDE, JOHN, AND I'LL LOOK AFTER MINE."
48 IF N FEBRUARY 4, 1885.
THE PHILOSOPHER AND THE HERO.
SOCRATEs DUNDERCHUMP, the unusually scientific philosopher, was
not a man to commit himself to any action without reasoning out the why
of the subject
he took in
hfore, when he
He said to the
S colonel of the
zeta, bI wish
to study a
hero," he lu-
cidly added, by
way of expla-
cause I wish
to study one."
N" I'll send
you an excel-
evening," replied the colonel. "I assure you he's quite as amusing as
a railway whistle, and nearly as useful."
"Enough !" answered the philosopher; "but how shall I propitiate
the hero ?"
"Give him plenty to eat and drink," ejaculated the colonel.
"He shall have the very best dinner my chef can produce," said the
The philosopher bowed low as the hero entered the dining-room.
The hero bowed lower, and touched his toes without bending his knees.
The philosopher's dog bow-wowed lower still, as if applauding the
hero's feat. Take a seat," cried the philosopher.
"I'd rather take a two of suffin' short," remarked the hero.
"No, no; we will begin with some hare puree soup," said the philo-
"Right you air, sir," returned the hero. "I'm on for puree. Do
you know as cats works into very good soup dooring a siege ? Oh, my
heye ain't your little dorg took a fancy to my nose too? Some dorgs
is fond of a 'ot climate. I've eat a many tender'uns out in the Hindjies."
"Will you take another glass of Amontillado?" asked the philo-
sopher after a pause.
"Though it is so 'arsh to the tongue, I don't mind if I do," answered
the hero as he cleaned his soup-plate with a crust of French roll, and
flung the dainty morsel to the dog.
"Scientific men do not often become heroes," sighed the philosopher.
"They cannot impress the multitude. They are not understood."
"Right you are, old pal," retorted the hero; "they ain't understood,
and a blessed good job too Why, I didn't think you had it in yer to
tork so sensible. I say, wort's yer opinion on this 'ere pork cracklin'?"
"You would prefer another beverage to Chateau Lafitte ?" said the
"Well, a drain of rum cold would be advantageous; it don't look
so messy on the tablecloth when you happenss to spill it," replied the hero.
My nerves are very shaky. I often spill things," sighed the philo-
"So are mine," retorted the hero. "How very 'ard that sarvint of
yours do tread. I wish you'd tell him of it, for I don't s'pose as your
narves is 'arf so jumpy as them I've got. Ah I" continued the hero,
turning up his eyes, "' Hevery bullet 'as its billet,' says the pote; an'
sinst I 'ad one graze my boko, an' go as flat as a pancake again our
major's teeth, wot was immejut behind me, I've 'ad horriblee tremums at
times. But, 'ang me I the major couldn't enjoy a bone like I'm a-doin'
of, though he 'ave got a swagger set ot false ivories."
The narrative was interrupted by a sympathetic howl from the dog.
"Now, sir," resumed the hero, looking round from the philosopher
to the canine animal, "with your kind permission I'll give this bone to
the little dorg. Gratitood orter begit gratitood: a-'avin' eaten dorgs
out in the Hindjies, I feels it a sorter duty ter feed 'em in Hingland.
Besides, wars breaks out sudden-like, an' then dorgs is hapt to come
in as 'andy as scientific coves wot company's hexpaditions; and the
fatter the better for rashuns, I say. I likes my wittles spicy, as well as
regular. Purr examples, when we was beleegured up the Bondoketchey
River we'd a plenty o' yourn sort with us. Bein' drove fur rashuns,
fust we feeds on the elephants, next we goes fur the camils, then we
eates the horfficers' dorgs, wot they'd brought out contrary to regula-
shuns. Final, after getting redoosed to drefful states, we picks out the
fyelossofer coves wot 'ad accompannyd us, an' after a 'avin eat all their
lizards and swigged the spirits wot the speciments was preserved in, we
wolfs down them men of genuiseses ravenous. But give me the Ger-
many savanteers fur flaviour; they smokes a power of strong baccaa,
and the tastes on 'em is real relishin' when a soger is 'arf-starved, and
orf of his happetites at the same time. Take my word, some on them
Germany 'uns is as good as Injun curry."
"I don't feel very well," moaned the philosopher.
"Try a blow o' bacca as I'm a-goin' to do," retorted the hero.
"Won't you wait for the plum-pudding ? asked the philosopher.
"I can't abide them puddin's," replied the hero. No, niver sinst
that time when we bombarded the Kutchecurry Fort on a Crismas Day.
We'd run short o' shot, and the Briggydeer Gineral ses, ses he, Use
them plum-puddin's on the enemiess' I ain't got over the shock it guv
me to see them
puddin's an' "
hup promis- .
kus. 'Ere, Il l/
jest show yer .
'ow them pud- .
din's an' 'eads pdo o .
whirled round. .-... A,
Hand over the -
puddin', a //
box of loosi-
mind me a-med suthing, an seed a see wuth looin at. Id like
breaking' a few
glasses as I il-
crashes oll mak' it more real-like. There you are; warn't that a good
bit of jugglin'? Done five pounds worth of damage, have I? Never
mind; you've larned suthing, an' seed a see wuth looking' at. I'd like
ter give yer a few more warlike experiences, but barrick rules as ter
stayin' out at night is that strict. So good evening, and thank yer."
FEBRUARY 4, 1885.
BACK TO BACK.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
BROTHER Jonathan, we
Are delighted to see
That at length you are fully awaking
To the infamous course
Of most murderous force,
Which the dynamite-mongers are taking.
We are glad that at last,
After what has just passed,
You've determined to shield them no longer;
And to teach them, in spite
Of their merciless might,
That the arm of the law is the stronger.
All the same, Brother J.,
One is tempted to say
That the mischief they've lately been brewing,
Would have ne'er come to birth,
Had you shown your true worth
On the instant, instead of pooh-poohing.
If you only had put
Down your ponderous foot
On their plots, which are cunningly clever,
One feels perfectly sure
They'd have cracked up before:
Better late, though, old chappie, than never.
THE Weekly Times asserts that "the Germans now
command the land, and that they have a strong desire
to clutch Neptune's trident also." If this be so, and
they should attempt this clutching, they will doubtless
find they have trid-ent-irely wrong, and have sung quite
the wrong (Nep)tune.
A SALVATION. ARMY 'bus conductor has recently been
cured of the gout by faith. He now jumps about with
joy continually. Ever and anon this conductor alights on
the bunions of aged passengers while collecting their fares.
The bigger the bunions the harder he jumps. Aged pas-
sengers sometimes wish that 'bus conductor's faith had
been a trifle less fervent, and intimate in reply to his ex-
planations that the sooner he hops on General" Booth's
favourite corn the better.
AN ICE PREDICAMENT.
Stout and Elderly Lady (suddenly approaching ones, and throwing her
arms round his neck).-" OH, SAVE ME! SAVE ME I Do, PRAY, GO DOWN
FIRST; IT WILL BREAK THE FALL FOR ME,'!
[Delight of _ones, who gives way at once.
A SEVERE TEST.
(BY OUR SPECIAL FERRETER-OUT AND PRYER-INTO.)
By the courtesy of the Lord Chancellor and the Society of Benchers I
lately received a card bearing the following inscription:-
The Company of Mr.
is requested at the Royal Courts of Justice, to witness
the testing of a new 7udge.
TEA AND SHRIMPS.
P.S.-Better come; it's a lark sometimes I
At the time I was as unacquainted, as the public probably is, of the
peculiar and very trying tests which have to be undergone by a member
of the Bar who aspires to the Bench. Concluding that we were simply
invited to an examination in legal learning, we at first decided not to
accept the invitation; but the perusal of the last line of the card caused
us to change our mind.
Arriving at the north door of the Courts of Justice, we were ushered
through seven miles of draughts, darkness, and danger, to a roomy
vault, evidently fitted up for some special and unusual purpose. At one
end stood a raised platform some six feet square, upon which stood a
glass shade roomy enough to hold a man; by the side of this shade was
a large air-pump, while from the wall near at hand projected several
nozzles, which proved to be the termination of pipes or ducts.
In a few minutes there entered, from a private door, the candidate for
the Judgeship, who bowed to the examining committee of Benchers, who,
headed by the Lord Chancellor, sat in a sort of jury-box in front of the
platform. The candidate was simply and plainly attired in a thin night-
gown of small dimensions, a signet ring, and a corn-plaster. A certifi-
cate from his physician, declaring that he was in robust health, was
handed round to the Committee, and thereupon, at a sign from them,
the glass shade was lifted sufficiently for the candidate to creep into it,
and adjusted over him. With obvious interest the spectators watched
the victim. In a few moments he began to shiver violently; then the
chattering of his teeth vibrated the vault; then his nose and extremities
turned blue, and he cast an imploring eye on the Lord Chancellor,
whose attention was fixed upon his watch. At another sign, the victim
was taken out; he had undergone the freezing test, and had to be thawed
before being of further use.
He was again put under the shade; this time his face gradually grew
redder and redder; perspiration began to pour from his brow, he danced
from one foot to the other, and gasped; his hair frizzled, the corn-plaster
curled away from his toe; then arose a faint, yet savoury odour of cook-
ing, and the Lord Chancellor again released him with a sign. This was
the baking test. Now, while yet smoking hot, the candidate was placed
in front of one of the nozzles, from which suddenly issued an icy blast
which blew off the corn-plaster, and in the course of a few moments re-
duced the temperature of the vault to seventy-nine degrees below freezing
A hot, damp blast was then turned on the candidate, alternating with
the cold one; and in the midst of this he was required to give an impor-
tant decision with a gas-engine fixed on his head and bumping at full
speed. Then the candidate bowed once more to the committee, picked
up the corn-plaster, and retired. The Committee consulted for a few
seconds in subdued tones, and the Lord Chancellor announced that the
candidate for the Judgeship had passed; but without honours in the
freezing test, the chattering of the teeth and shivering having forfeited
the needful extra marks. The new Judge will take his seat in the
Queen's Bench Division on Monday next. This interesting ceremony
explains the hitherto unaccountable fact that the Judges at the Royal
Courts of Justice have not succumbed as one floweret to the System o
TO THE EDITOR.
He's sent him a lovely sword.
EAR SIR, I am
happy to notice
The Mahdi is fully
as good as his
And better a deal
He knows that
at present be
And Gordon be
And so with polite-
ness and mes-
And said a free pass for him, likewise an escort,
Were his if he had a mind,
But Gordon first dug himself, thus, in the wescort
As, civilly, he declined ;
Then, having exhausted these delicate feelers,
He took from beneath his bed
Some papers he meant to have sold to the dealers,
And sent them to Gordon instead.
Now I should be guilty of culpable blindness,
And you would be blind to fact,
If we didn't recognize apropos kindness
Pervading the Mahdi's act.
Oh, surely the hero, grown tired of the sandy,
And rather unvaried views,
Would find those old papers excessively handy
For learning the recent news.
No doubt he is fervidly, eagerly yearning
To know what we're all about,
And joy will be his upon suddenly learning
That Ripon is back, no doubt.
What rapture once more to peruse all the cases
That Mrs. G. Weldon brings,
To see how the Germans are collaring places,
And landlords are collaring "things."
How Russia and Prussia all human corrosions
In future will extradite,
How London has suffered some further explosions
Of villainous dynamite,
How Kingston has heaps who would marry a sodger,
And only too gladly, too.
How Italy now in Soudan is a lodger,
(At which he may say "pooh-pooh 1")
With Liverpool vessels detained at Peru, and
Those foreigners' Fiji claims,
The General soon will have hold of the clue, and
Observe our astounding games.
But whether the Mahdi did mean it politely
Or weapon of direful dread-- ?
Reflection, I find, has unsettled me slightly,
Yours faithfully, MERDLE HEAD.
FEBRUARY 4, 1885.
DYNAMITARDS say that they pursue their lively profession entirely
through the ardent love they possess for the green-the emerald green,
This being the case, such self-sacri-
ficing creatures when caught might
be confined in cells either painted,
or papered with materials of highly
verdant hues, containing huge quan-
t cities of arsenic. The love of their
National colour might induce the
dynamitards to browse on the wall-
PAGAN scoffists, however, insin-
uI ate that the dynamitards do not
follow their calling because of an
intense passion for the green, but in
consequence of a commonplace
affection for the yellowboys.
WE congratulate Mr. Healy on
his successes since his call to the
S- Irish Bar. It appears that briefs
.- settle on him with the soft certainty
i s of snowflakes, and golden "thick.
dity of hailstones. The great Mr.
Healy is without doubt a master of
graceful gesticulation and modern Parliamentary language. Freely and
bravely he gives the world the benefit of his accomplishments and know-
ledge, therefore we protest against the late jealous sneer directed against
him, viz., "that he was a clerk in a 'junk' shop only a few years ago,
earning the paltry salary of thirty shillings a week." Why, there are
hundreds of clerks not only in junk," but in other shops, who for a
salary of fifteen. shillings a week manage to twist their faces more prettily
about, and who are more masterful in their variations of interesting
phraseology than Mr. Healy. Yet from some reason or other these
clerks are content to hide their soft lights under bushels, and waste their
glowing speeches on impecunious loafers and vituperative washerwomen.
AN unfortunate African chief was recently decapitated on board the
German flagship stationed in the Cameroon River. The savage cranium
was removed by order of the peace-loving Teutonic Admiral. The chief
had dared to attempt to defend his native village, which was attacked
by three German men-of-war (in the interests of civilisation). That
African head has been pickled, and is to be sent home to pious William
of Prussia. What a glorious trophy to stand on a sideboard in an Em-
peror's banquet hall !
PRINCE BISMARCK is taking a remarkable interest in the manufacture
of paper bottles in the Fatherland. These novel bottles are constructed
of rags, straw, brownwood pulp, lime-powder, sulphate of alumina, and
blood. The great Chancellor has ordered a few thousand gallons of the
last named ingredient to be shipped over from the west coast of Africa,
and is entering into a negotiation with the British Government for a large
importation of rosy Arab fluid from the Soudan.
THE German nation, still overburdened with sprigs and offshoots of
royalty, is naturally hugely delighted to hear that accommodating British
ratepayers are willing to allow one more Teutonic prince to Batten(berg)
and wax fat upon them.
Apropos of the epidemic of mumps raging in Chester, a fascinating
young married lady asked us yesterday whether the complaint disfigures
a pretty girl much. On our hinting that the faces and necks of the love-
liest women on earth afflicted with mumps bear a strong resemblance to
pussons who have just undergone the extreme penalty of the law, she
turned upon us with an air of dignified wrath, and said she would go
down to Chester, kiss a mumpy cathedral choir boy, catch the mumps,
and have her own pet Edwin's opinion as to how she looked under the
circumstances." She seemed rather sanguine, too, about Edwin's
verdict being rather favourable.
SOME delicate ladies who don't thoroughly enjoy doses of cod liver
oil are trying skate oil in preference, because it slides down more easily.
Perhaps cream and curagoa physic might be taken with less difficulty
than either of the oils, though.
A CONTEMPORARY opines that libel cases are ticklish subjects. True
enough, they tickle immensely; but they don't cause half so many
"roars of laughter" in court as good brisk murder cases, and cheery
FEBRUARY 4, 1885. JFUT 51
"BOOTS MENDED WHILE YOU WAIT."
Credulous Party (handing in his Boots).-" LOOK SHARP NOW,
AND I'LL WAIT."
Shoemaker.-" WE'RE SO FULL UP OF WORK, YOU CAN'T
HAVE 'EM UNDER A COUPLE OF DAYS."
Credulous Party.-" A COUPLE OF DAYS WHY, YOU RAS-
CALLY OLD HUMBUG I YOU HAVE GOT IT STUCK UP IN YOUR
WINDOW THAT YOU MENDS 'EM WHILE YOU WAIT."
Shoemaker.-JIST so; AND IF YOU'LL WAIT A COUPLE OF
DAYS YOU'LL HAVE 'EM."
IN SPITE OF OUR CHARACTERISTICS!
"Near midnight on Saturday a man called the attention of the police to the fact
that he had overheard a conversation between two Irishmen, having reference to the
blowing up of one of the bridges spanning the Thames, Blackfriars Bridge being
selected. The men promised to meet again at Blackfriars on Monday night."-Item
published in newspaper on Monday afternoon !
A letter has been received by the Government. This missive warned the autho-
rities that, within a few days, attempts would be made to destroy certain specified
public buildings, and giving the names and a description of the personal appearance
of those who would be likely to commit the crime."-Item in the newspaper, afrofos
of the blowing up of Westminster Hall.
TYPICAL MEMBER OF BRITISH PUBLIC. Ha! what is this I over-
hear ? Two men plotting to dynamite public buildings ? Yes. They
fix on Westminster Abbey ; they arrange to meet at twelve to-night on
the Broad Sanctuary; one wears a tall black hat, and is aged between
fifteen and fifty; the other wears a wideawake, and is somewhere be-
tween sixteen and sixty. I will take notes of this. And now
let me sit down for a few minutes and exercise that cool judgment and
sound discretion in moments of sudden difficulty which are the charac-
teristic of an Englishman. I am decided what is the wisest thing to do
under the circumstances : and now to put my plan into execution.
T. M. OF B. P. (to EDITOR of Diurnal Blabber). I have just over-
heard a plot to blow up Westminster Abbey. Here are the details. If
you publish a special edition quickly, there is yet time to make known
,he fact to the dynamiters that their plot is discovered, thus putting them
on the alert, and preventing their being arrested by the police.
.EDrTOR OF Diurnal Blabber (frantic with delight). MydearMember,
let,me say at once that the course you have chosen is marked by that
cool judgment and sound discretion which are the characteristic of an
Englishman. This bit of news will sell an extra ten thousand copies :
I will get it set up at once. I cannot but feel that, in doing this, I am
exemplifying that cool judgment, and so on, which are the characteristics
of so forth. (They gaze on each other in mutual pride and admiration.)
T. M. OF B. P. (to Detective Department). I have overheard a plot to
blow up Westminster Abbey. Here are the details.
DETECTIVE DEPARTMENT. Good. We will now reflect a moment
upon a course calculated to. exemplify that cool judgment and sound
discretion in moments of sudden difficulty which are the characteristic
of an Englishman. Yes; the wisest course to pursue is to communicate
this intelligence to the evening paper. There is yet time to issue a
special edition soon enough for the plotters to read it and be warned.
T. M. OF B. P. How wise a course to pursue I The matter could
not have been in abler hands. (Thy regard each other with the eye of
EDITOR OF THE Evening Blurter. Thanks-many, many thanks,
Detective Department I The special edition shall be in print in two
minutes and a half. We shall make an extra hundred pounds over this
item, in addition to displaying that cool judgment, and so on.
BRITISH READERS (delighted). Here is intelligence of a plot to blow
up Westminster Abbey at twelve to-night. How judicious and energetic
to publish it thus beforehand in the papers. This will insure their
catching the villains I We will all be there to see it done.
THE SAME (next morning). We were all on the spot last night some
hours before midnight; the most elaborate arrangements had been made
by the police; not a single precaution was omitted; and YET those
villains have somehow evaded capture I It only proves that circum-
stances are at times too strong even for that cool judgment and sound
discretion which are characteristic of an Englishman.
[The medical officer of Chatham Prison tells of two prisoners who placed their arms
under the wheel of a waggon in order to evade the labour tasks to which they are
FIRST CONVICT. I say, dy'ear? we've got to do labour tarsks in this
'ere bloomin' jug.
SECOND CONVICT. Garn! 'Wot labour tarsks?
FIRST CON. Wy, the Guv'nor says we're to do pot'ooks an' 'angers
SECOND CON. Ain't a-goin' to do no bloomin' pot'ooks an' 'angers,
don't you make no error; not me. Tell yer wot, let's cut orf our fust
fingers an' thumbs. Can't make us do 'em then.
FIRST CON. Right you are. You're a fly 'un, you are.
SECOND CON. 'Ere I 'E says we're to fold table-napkins now. Says
we can do it easy without our fust fingers an' thumbs.
FIRST CON. Yus I Likely, ain't it ? No kid. Here, let's smash
our hands on this anvil. There I Let's see 'ow 'e'll make us fold his
bloomin' napkins now.
SECOND CON. Well, 'e is a mean ole 'unks I Dy'ear ? 'E says
we're to hem handkerchiefs with the sewing-machine now. Dyever
'ear ? 'Ere, were's a sor ? Let's 'ave our feet orf by the ankle-just
above the top of the boot cuts easiest. There I 'E don' get much
hemin's out o' me.
FIRST CON. Ugh I Damage he's ugly features, 'e is a hot 'un I 'E's got
a bloomin' lot of coal coming' in now, an' 'e says we're to count the sacks,
SECOND CON. (disgusted). Gurrr! Wot's 'e want pussicutin' chaps
like that for? Wot's to be done now? Stop a minnit. I know. I
ain't a-goin' to do no beastly tarsks. Wodder yer say to cutting' our
FIRST CON. Right you are again. Well, you are a fly 'un I
THE BEST PORT, AFTER ALL.-The *
THE BEST PORT, AFTER ALL.-The Port of London.
12T To CoRRsSPruNDNTS.-A1e Editor dost not bind lamsetl to acknow-edge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
52 F U'T I FEBRUARY 4, 885.
S- A. i
ON THE TRACK.
COLONEL HENDERSON AND OUR MILITARY POLICE.
A ROMANY QUEEN," by L. Nevill (London Literary Society). An interesting story,
possessing the rare merit of being told without much "padding."-" Skippo, and other Tales,"
by Robin (Swan, Sonneschein and Co.). A good deal here that is good to read, and very
little to skip.-" The Peer and the Prophet (William Reeves). The arguments of the Duke
of Argyll and Mr. Henry George appear as if they may turn to profit ; some will incline to
swear by George, others to bless the Duke of Argyll.-" Our Old Nobility," by Howard Evans
(Henry Vickers). Without questioning the taste of calling up against those who bear titles
all about their forbears, we exclaim, "if this be true by Evans !"-"My Experience as
a Moderate Drinker, a Drunkard, and a Total Abstainer," by Charles Meadows (London
Literary Society). The experience of the drunkard, and the moderate drinker is the experience
we eschew, and of the three, [that of the abstainer is the one we chose.-"Work, Wealth,
and Want," by Edwin Adams (London Literary Society). We do want work, we may want
wealth, but no we don't want the other one. This book will help many to understand what to
want and what not.
"The Richest, Softest, and most Becoming
Fabric ever invented for S 1 -
mEvery Yard ts
oStamped on the Back
SNonpareil" to protect the Public from Frau,.
BOLD BY THE LEAD I DEAP .RS ALL OVER THE WOLD.)
CAUTION.-If m \ m o.
Cocoa thickens in the ,e u i
cup, its proves the U -|.
addition of Starch. 0
PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!!
Our Brave Foe!
THE dynamitard we should hail with glee,
So plucky are all his works;
Yea, who so courageous and brave as he
As in corners and holes he lurks ?
As he hides his infernal machine away,
And then hurries off in good time,
He cares not what innocent folk he may slay,
So his schemes are, you'll own, sublime !
His courage colossal has lately been,
For this he high praise deserves;
But he never allows himself to be seen
Lest the Law should upset his nerves.
With the money subscribed by the rogue and
He "trips" it from o'er the sea;
Then hides, for to fight he would never stoop,
That Fenian-like wouldn't be.
Thus the Irish-American "patriot thrives
By his glorious, war-like trade,
And at hazarding women's and children's lives
He isn't the least afraid.
'Neath Brother America's careless sway
He has hatched up his plots for pelf;
And our Brother did not much concern display
Till these plots 'gan to threaten himself
"But our Irish Members-Parnell and Co.-
Who take nice fat cheques from the poor,
Some horror," you say, "at the outrages show,
And their stoppage attempt to procure."
We answer, Ah, Erin is green, 'tis true
(The greenest of isles, 'tis thought),
But, reader, it isn't so green as you
If you fancy Parnell says aught."
So the doughty (not dastardly) dynamitard
Slinks out from his secret lair,
And plants his machines; but 'tis really hard
That the public he cannot scare.
With terror he fain would paralyse
The' natives of this our land,
Forgetting that Britons are apt to despise
The threats of his Coward-Band I
"Wanted a Wife."
[A soldier at the Cape, having asked the Kingston
Board of Guardians to send him out a wife, there have
been hundreds of applications already received.]
THEY sent billet doux in by hundreds
To Ccelebs in search of a wife
('Tis plain that the state every one dreads
Is spinsterhood's solit'ry life).
Some wrote in a manner pathetic,
Some gushed, some were matter-of-fact,
While others, in language -esthetic,
His artless heart softly attacked.
So now, Tommy Atkins, consider
Ere for ever you lay down your arms,
Will you yield to some veteran widder,"
Or to lovely Diana's chaste charms ?
THE King of Porto Novo, on the Gold Coast,
is said to have 1,ooo wives. This is undoubt-
edly a case of going To-fa into Matrimony.
Just fancy having i,ooo mothers-in-law I
London : Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W Lay, at i53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February 4th, 1885.
L Urgea S -ale
= in the WorlcCl
FEBRUARY II, iS5 *IFT s 53
AR YIANDR ON.
N N S~"O E9 Y'L
VCL. XLI.-NO, 1031.
54 *JlN. FEBRUARY II, 1885.
[The French bakers have been discovered by the Hygienic Council of
the Seine Department[to be using petroleum in their manufactures in-
SN stead of butter and suet.-Globe.]
Go bid the radiant Rossa come,
And also bid the fervent Ford,
Who's not for years discussed a crumb,
Dis cuss invites them to this board-
A board after their own brave hearts
That with these novel dainties aches-
Stewed prunes of lead, tartaric tarts,
Ah I pretty Paris baker, thanks-
Not small mercis, but good and great,
Your new invention richly ranks
You with the wisest of the State.
And these, our guests, *iho're also wise,
Nor often make immense mistakes,
Will fitly praise up to the skies
Petroleum cakes and vitriol ale,
That ought to suit the new age well,
The fare for men who think too pale
The principles of C. Parnell.
That fare shall make us stout and strong
To shake the State as thunder shakes,
Wherefore for you true patriots long
Petroleum cakes ?
And come the time when flour shall be
But powder, and when dough shall trexn
For all of us who fairly see
A sort of nitro-glycerine.
And then shall be the time when John
Bull, when his heart with thunder aches,
Shall sagely choose to feed upon
THE Royal College of Music has been sending round the
hat." Of course the tile in question, is an old one of the
A YOUNG SHAVER. Duke of Edinburgh's.
Child.-" OH, MAMMA I PAPA WASHED HIS FACE WITH A LITTLE
BRUSHf, AND NOW HE'S WIPING IT WITH A KNIFE !" PEACE-WORK.-Trying to stop the war.
WHAT WdE MAY EXPECT. here to ask your ludship to let the company levy a rate on the public
(OR, EVERYTHING MUST GIVE WAY IF YOU ONLY HAVE to pay the company's workmen engaged in demolishing the building.
EVEYTHNG ST IEK WY ITHE PUBLIC. We absolutely object to-
CHEEK ENOUGH.) MR. JUST. Y. Oh, pooh-pooh I We can't go to work in that down-
Prologue. right fashion. (To MR. CH. D.) I will adjourn the motion to consider
"LAST year the Metropolitan District Railway Company obtained an your request about the rate.
Act of Parliament for a subway from South Kensington station to the MR. CHEEK. D. But, me'lud, the company is in want of the money,
Horticultural Gardens. The railway has changed the route by which it and can't wait.
was ordered to proceed. Instead of keeping clear of the main drains, MR. JusT. Y. Oh, of course in that case I must grant you an order
as it was instructed to do, it has forced the main drain out of its place; to that effect at once; but will you undertake not to pull down any more
and now the railway is ventilating the subway by a series of blow-holes of the Mus-?
thrust up in the very centre of the street. The curious part of the thing MR. CHEEK. D. Oh, I can't do that, m'lud. On the contrary, I am
is that the whole affair is absolutely illegal."-Letterfrom Lord Bury. instructed to ask you to grant me an order to compel the inhabitants
Before MR. JUSTICE CHITTY-Motion to Restrain said Company.- themselves to pull down the rest, and to pay the company for the
Mr. Romer, on behalf of Company, asked that motion might stand privilege.
over, and that the works might be allowed to go on meanwhile" !! MR. JUST. Y. Well, if you insist upon it; but will you undertake not
Practically granted! I! to pull down the rest of London?
Sequel. MR. CHEEK. D. Eh? Oh, well; I can't exactly promise. (Order
CHANCERY DIVISION-Before MR. JUSTICE YIELDER.-This was a CHANCERY DIVISION-Before MR. JUSTICE PLYUBBLE.-This was
motion to restrain the District Railway Company from pulling down the a motion to restrain the District Railway Company from pulling down
South Kensington Museum in the construction of their subway. It the rest of London, and remodelling the British constitution in the con-
transpired that about half the Museum had been demolished before the struction of their subway.
authorities had noticed it. THE PUBLIC. Look here, m'lud; there are only about a dozen streets
MR. JUSTICE YIELDER. Has your company any authority in its Act and Westminster Abbey left, and we want you to order the defendants
to demolish the Museum? to desist at once from-
MR. CHEEKAZ DUZZITT (on behalf of the company). Not a ha'porth, MR. JUST. PLYUBBLE (quite shockea). Dear me I You must mode-
m'lud; only I thought I would add that little bit extra on my own rate your demands. We can't go to work in that violent way. (To
hook, so I just wrote permission on a little bit of paper, and pinned it MR. CHREKAZ DUZZIrr.) Do the company wish to desist?
to the Act. MR. CHEEK. D. Quite the contrary, m'lud. The company have
THE PUBLIC. We demand that the company be ordered to imme- already been put to a great deal of expense in pulling down St. Paul's,
MR.dia JUeST. resY. Stop-re sheMutop. We don't go to work in the courts in and so forth, and want an order for the public to refund all, &c., &c.
that violent manner. (To MR. CHEEKAZ DUZZITT.) Are you willing to Oregad
restore the building ? '
MR. CHEEKAZ D. Certainly not, m'lud. On the contrary, I came THE BEST JUDGES OF THE "PULsE."-Vegetarians.
FEBRUARY II, Ix85-. U. 55
WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR IT.-FUNK!
[Dynamite, giant powder, and infernal machines have been found in possession of Otto Funk at Chicago. The police declare that he is a Socialist. The New
York correspondent of the Standard says the above possibly has had a strong influence in bringing about the decisive change of public opinion with regard to the
Irish-American dynamiters. Something like a panic has resulted from the discovery that there are in Chicago thousands of Socialists secretly banded together, well
armed, and regularly drilled. Hence, considerable nervousness as to their own security, &c -Newsipapers ]
"Sorry they've blown you up !' said Congress, struggling out of his gagfor a brief instant. "Can't shake hands--k'llsee me; but I'll do my best to----"
for the assurance-so unexpected too !" said John Bull, somewhat puzzled.
56 F -UiN7. FEBRUARY iI, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
-W h y
''i Wnthrop at
placed in fa-
S- vour of a
Saf piece bearing
wi.t_ plenty, so strong a
-" i u balance to it
as The Opal
-_G. W. God-
THE COURT.-MAR-I-ON WITH HER EvE-oN-MA. Peril en la
not altogether apparent; that Mr. Clayton finds a part in the latter may
have something to do with it, but speculation on the point is not likely
to be particularly interesting or profitable, so we need not carry it further.
The new play has plenty of "situation" (almost too much), and is told
with plenty of point; but it is almost without a heroine (that person
only appearing in the second act): its story is unsatisfactory in many
respects, and the interest excited in any given character of the slightest
-exception should perhaps be made in favour of the mother, so admir-
ably played by Miss Lydia Foote, and the almost extraneous Lord Toler,
a part which Mr. Cecil brings into prominence by a cleverly charac-
teristic make-up, and that aptness in the quaint portrayal of senility
which he has brought pretty well to perfection.
INDEED, as an exhibition of acting, it is almost without a flaw. Mr.
Clayton's manly and natural style, Mr. Conway's something more than
physical fitness for the part of "hero of romance," and Miss Marion
Terry's sympathetic tenderness, render this about the strongest and most
compact comedy company in London; and when you remember that there
are Miss Norreys and Mr. Reeves-Smith in the background (or in the fore-
ground, if you like-seeing that they play admirably in the first piece,
Mr. G. Hawtrey's Good Gracious!) you feel more than ever the pity of it
that they cannot light upon a play altogether worthy of their talents.
BY--7IHE-WAY, what with the St. James's taking to Shakespeare, and
the Hadmarket taking to its heels, the Court will be the only comedy
company in London directly.
NODS AND WINKs.-The Royal Victoria Hall and Coffee Tavern has
been concertingg" away with some success once a week ever since the
22nd of January, and means to keep it up till Easter; on the principle
that "variety is charming," I suppose, variety is "your only wear" on
Saturday (with an occasional extra day thrown in). Science is also "to
be had on the premises ;" you can have a "penn'orth," or ten shilling,
worth, just as you choose, and all depending upon where you sit. Well
success to the coffee-cullers.
LvsT weeks of Hamlet !-Hundredth night on Thursday; perform-
'2- and now for
I Brutus. -
MM r. S t.
with a will
an oat the Im-
-1 anon, he has
<. a new Ame-
THEx COURT. -THE UNDER-OFFICIAL AND THE OVER-OFFICIOUS. cal comedy
in his eye,
as well as an adaptation ot one of Mr. Edward's novels, with Mrs.
Willoughby in it; moreover, sixpence for your programme is the sole
and only fee surviving the determined onslaught of his.
ASSASSINATION'S AWFUL FRIGHT.
PEOPLE of whatever station
Will be grieved to learn
T'other day Assassination
Got a dreadful turn;
Dropped her blood-encrusted dagger
In dismay and fright,
Nearly falling, with a stagger,
On the dynamite.
For though 'sassination lately
Owns a luck immense
Growing in importance greatly,
Pow'r, and consequence,
Heaping Pelion ,on Ossa-
Now there meets her sight,
"Someone's been and shot at Rossa,"
And she pales with spite.
Wild with rage her optic flashes
As she reads the news,
Words we represent by dashes
She begins to use,
Vainly, while with anger choking,
Trying to be cool,
"Wretch I" she mutters so provoking !
Makes me look a fool.
"Mad with anger ? so would you be,
Fancy what I feel!
How is such a bragging booby
Worthy lead or steel?
It was only done for casting
(Any fool can see),
Bitter shame and everlasting
Ridicule on me.
"Stay here's through the cable flying
Something that was lacked
Rossa's very far from dying
Girl who shot him cracked,'
Truly no one in their senses
Such a man would pot,'
Let them take the consequences-
What a start I got 1"
A HANDSOME woman can never become a fashionable portrait painter,
if the poet is correct in saying that "beauty draws us with a single hair.
THE maid I love is young and sweet,
She is a little fairy pet,
Her lips, like cherries when they meet,
Her eyes are like the violet;
Her hair is all a flood of gold, t
This little queenie of my heart;
And she is now just three years old, i,
And toys at will with Cupid's dart; F
While round my neck the soft arms I
She claims me as her Valentine.
FEBRUARY II, 1885. IF., 57
VALENTINE'S DAY.-PILLAR-BOX SKETCHES.
Meeting of Edwin and Agelina. They came,they It was only an office letter. They need not have Posting an "ugly one"--caught red-handed !
said, to see when the next collection was made. glared at him like that!
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
"SOLOMON, dear," cried Mrs. Blunderberry, vigorously stirring a
spoonful of marmalade in her coffee with one hand, while she emptied
the crystallised sugar into a cut-glass dish with the other. "Solomon,
dear, do you know what's going to happen next Saturday?"
A funeral, if you can't provide a better breakfast than this," an-
swered her husband, as he contemptuously tossed a lean and bony had-
dock from his plate into the toast-rack. Confound it I Why can't
you get something fit to eat ?"
I'm sure, dear, it's very nice if you'd only try it."
"Try it! Do you think I can make a meal off the articulated skeleton
of the whale that swallowed Jonah ? Do you suppose the fossil relics
of'an antediluvian monster are fit food for your lord and master? Ha 1
ha I Fetch me from the Egyptian catacombs the mummy of a fish sepul-
tured with the first Pharaoh, and let me finish,my repast. Bring forth
the wiry untouched fowl that I sent from the dinner-table yesterday."
"Oh, Solomon, I'm so sorry, but the cat pulled it out of the dish and
-but there's a lovely new-laid egg."
"Great gracious I Do you suppose, Mrs. B., I'm going to wait for
my breakfast while you hatch that egg and educate the result up to the
necessary toughness and invariable stringiness characteristic of the ordi-
nary or domestic hen With nothing fit to eat, you only want half a
dozen bouquets on the table, and a menu printed in gold letters on a
pink card, to supply an hotel table d'h6te breakfast. Bring me foo3,
ma'am-d'ye hear ?-food for a famished Blunderberry."
"Well, Solomon, there's cold beef on the sideboard, and cold ham
and tinned meats in the cupboard, and eggs and bacon coming up
directly. I'm sure I don't know what more you want."
"How was I to know that ? Who told you I was a professional
mind reader. What's the matter with that beef that you should imagine
I could track it to its lair by scent ? What put it in your head that I
could evolve a ham out of my inner consciousness? Why didn't you
mention it before? With your powers of keeping a secret, you only
want a contemptuous demeanour and a despatch-box to be a govern-
ment official; with your ability for secreting valuables, black and white
stripes and a croak would make you quite a respectable magpie. Pro-
duce the viands."
"There, dear," said Mrs. Blunderberry, who, paying no attention to
the tirade, had helped him liberally. "There I Now do make a good
breakfast and-tell me, Solomon, do you know what Saturday is?"
"Why, what should Saturday be-but Saturday ?"
"It's-it's-Valentine's Day, Solomon," giggled the good lady.
"Valentine's bosh!" grumbled Mr. Blunderberry with his mouth
full. "Think you've got any of the attributes of the turtle dove?
Anybody been telling you wings and a bow and arrow are a becoming
costume for a middle-aged matron ? Got an idea that a lace edge and
a doggrel rhyme would make you worth eighteenpence at the stationer's
round the corner ?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Solomon, but I'm determined
you shall have the proper dinner for the day, and I've ordered it already."
"What's that? Have you been laying in bullock's hearts? Are you
going to serve love-birds on toast? or is it gooseberry fool you are pre-
paring to celebrate this happy occasion ?"
"Well, Solomon, I thought you knew everything. Why, of course
on Valentine's Day it's the proper thing to have-a goose I"
Great Zadkiel and Old Moore preserve us I Don't you know the
difference between Michaelmas and Valentine's Day ? Woman, woman,
why order a goose when a handful of feathers and a hiss fitted on to
your intellectual incapacity would be all that is necessary Still,"
added Mr. Blunderberry reflectively, you might have made a worse
"Oh, Solomon, you know I hate firearms. Didn't shoot it."
"No matter, my dear, no matter. A goose is a good bird when
properly cooked, and I am inclined to believe at least as appropriate to
the 14th February as to the 29th September. Don't forget the stuffing 1"
And with these words impressively spoken, Mr. Blunderberry put on his
hat and overcoat, and left for the City.
CRUMPLED and torn,
Battered and worn,
Song of my soul that is blotted with tears,
Fresh as a flower
Kissed by a shower,
And bright as a picture undimmed by years I
Tender and true,
Like the spring light caught by an old, old face,
Is the shade and shine
On my Valentine
Aglow with the flame of a deathless grace I
A Story of the Strand.
ON the eve of a certain Saint's day a small and mysterious figure, en-
veloped in a cloak, might have been observed wandering stealthily down
the Strand until he reached a large and much-scented shop "hard b3
Beaufort Street. This shop he entered, and, summoning the proprietor,
he cried, "My blessings on thee I thou hast increased my business a
million-fold I Art ready for to-morrow?" "I am," replied Mr. Rim.
mel (for that was the proprietor's name), "and my stock of Valentines
is more varied and more beautiful even than of yore I" 'Tis well," quoth
Cupid (for it was he), "They will be wanted by myriads of lovers. Good
evening I" And he fled.
Valentine-Vice (a Mem. for the 14th).
'Tis very sad that each lass and lad
To-day shows such avidity
For valentines of quaint designs;
For 'tis very plain (as you'll note with pain)
That the vice of to-day is "Cupid "-ity.
"' AT lovers perjuries they say Jove laughs." If this is so, great Jupiter's
continuous explosions of merriment must be a source of great annoyance
to the gods and godesses compelled to listen to him.
RUARY II, 1885.-
T'S MESSAGE TO THE MAHDI.
" TO THE RESCUE."-BRITM
60 PF'rTUN. FEBRUARY 11, 1885.
OR, THE UNDETECTED DETECTIVE.
JACK KEENE was an intelligent young man. Being a detective by
trade, he could not be otherwise. A sharp man in his actions, he could
1 ,, J,
not, unless driven to it by circumstances, have been a sharper; a prompt
man in his business, he could not, unless engaged at a theatre, have
been a prompter.
Jack Keene had the monopoly of the detective business in Goodbury,
but this was not a cause of unalloyed satisfaction, for so high was the
moral tone of this little-known town, that no crime was ever committed
within its precincts; so that Jack Keene found himself in the unfortu-
nate position of a detective with nothing to detect.
But one nefarious act had been committed in Goodbury since he took
up his residence over the cobbler's shop in Church Lane, and that was
when a young rogue called Dan Cupid, well known to the police, had
the shameless audacity to steal the detective's heart.
Jack knew the thief; moreover, he knew the receiver of the stolen
property; but, instead of prosecuting, he had the baseness to compound
felony by accepting Violet Meadows' heart in exchange with a kiss as a
The Goodburians were proud of their detective. They presented him
with a pair of white gloves to wear to church on Sundays, and were in
the habit of pointing him out to strangers, and bidding them note his
lean and hungry aspect as a proof of the moral purity of their town.
As a man and as a detective, Jack Keene's only hopes of happiness
were centred in Martin Meadows, the Goodbury pawnbroker. In the
first place, he was Violet's father, and in that capacity had the power to
make his private life a dream of ecstacy : in the second place, as he had
sole charge of all the valuables in Goodbury, and his was consequently
the only house in the town worth robbing, he had it in his power, by
encouraging burglary, to give an impetus to native talent in the detec-
Hitherto, with the selfishness of old age, he had declined to advance
Jack in either his matrimonial or professional aspirations; but never-
theless, with undeviating punctuality, Jack Keene every week-day
morning, as the clock struck ten, would open the door of the pawn-
broker's shop and ask-
"Anything in my way this morning, Mr. Meadows?" And Mr.
Meadows would gruffly rejoin, "Nothing."
No prospect of your being broken into later on?"
No chance of such a thing in Goodbury."
Then Jack Keene would sigh mournfully; and Violet, separated from
him by the counter's width, would sigh too; then their eyes would meet
in tell-tale glance, and both would colour to the roots of their hair.
While love was growing, the detective was starving. Each day he
dwindled down thinner and thinner, till it was almost impossible to see
him when he stood edgeways ; but brighter times were at hand, for on
the morning of the 13th February, as he was walking along the High
Street, Mr. Meadows rushed up to him in a state of the utmost excite-
Come, come 1" he cried, seizing the detective by the arm. I've
been burgled, and a splendid emerald ring, the most valuable article in
the shop, stolen. Find the ring-recover that ring-and your fortune
I swear by Newgate I will find the thief," said Jack Keene solemnly.
After peering and poking here and there, humming and hawing, ques-
tioning and interrogating, Jack Keene that same afternoon, furnished
with amp!e funds by the pawnbroker, departed for London, wrapped in
mystery and an ulster.
His first care, on reaching his modest hotel that evening, was to call
for paper, pens, and ink, to send her whom he adored a loving greeting
for Valentine's morn. Despising the adventitious aid of the speculating
stationer, he determined that the valentine he sent to Violet should be
original. And so it was.
He sketched, with what little skill he possessed, two hearts linked by
a pair of handcuffs, and guarded by a hovering Cupid armed with a
policeman's truncheon in lieu of the conventional bow and arrows.
Beneath he inscribed the touching couplet-
Dearest, I am on the track,
We'll married be when I get back."
Two days later there descended from a third-class carriage at the
Goodbury station a thin, limp, wizened, sad, and dejected young man
who uttered a despairing moan as a laughing maiden, fair to see, sprang
gaily to meet him.
"All is lost lamented Jack Keene gloomily, as he turned aside to
hide the glittering tear. The thief has escaped me."
"No, no, Jack, all is found. The. robber is here I" cried Violet
gleefully, as, possessing herself of his hand, she slipped a magnificent
emerald ring upon his finger.
"Why ?-how did ?-where did ?-what ?-which ?-when ?" stam-
mered the staggered detective.
Hush I not a word. Your mission has been successful, you have re-
covered the stolen property, you will be thanked, you will have a dinner
every day, you will get fat,you will be rewarded, promoted, married 1"
And you took it I My Violet a thief ? "
"Don't call me names, Jack, I only did it for your good, and it wasn't
a steal, for, of course, I meant to give it back, but I couldn't bear to see
you getting thinner and thinner, and more and more miserable, and no
chance of papa giving his consent, and all because you'd got no work to
do-o-o-oo, so I determined you should have a job. You're not quite a
success as a detective, Jack, but you are a dear, good fellow, and that
valentine is the most beautiful thing I ever saw; and-and-do you
mean it, Jack ? "
"Where's a church ?" answered Jack, "I'll soon convince you."
When Martin Meadows saw them enter his shop, he rushed round the
counter, and grasped the detective's two hands in his.
"Well, well, well," he faltered, what have you done? What suc-
cess ? Have you got it ? eh ? Have you got it ?"
Jack Keene displayed the jewel sparkling on his finger, and the pawn-
broker fell upon his neck, and wept salt tears of gratitude down his
"Jack," he sobbed, "you are a hero, a noble hero. Take what you
like from out my shop as your reward. Ask what you will, 'tis
"A wedding-ring," said Jack, "to fit this little finger," and he pos-
sessed himself of Violet's hand.
^ga -<'-'-'X i"'
"Bless you, my children," said Martin Meadows. "I can no longer
withold my consent. 'Tis meet that Talent should wed with Beauty
that Honour should take Honesty to wife. You are worthy of eacl.
other. Bless you, my children I"
FEBRUARY II, 1885. TTJ 61
To the Rescue. A VALENTINE VISION AND ITS VICTIM.
BRITANNIA'S MESSAGE TO THE MAHDI.
WHEN the little birds grow "pairy" -
In the month of Februairy-
And they seldom show restraint
In that line,
Human folks have got a fashion I
To declare their tender passion, .
By commemorating Saint
Many missives, plain or pretty,
Couched in language tame or witty, "
On the Fourteenth are despatched
Through the post;
Some intended as a token
That the senders' love's unbroken,
Others meaning they're attached
At the most.
But a few have no connection
With a feeling of affection;
For a Valentine e'en may
When, so ugly in its matter,
It does anything but flatter;
And the Mahdi, I should say.
Won't like his.
Let us trust that we may quickly
Make him look extremely sickly
By an agitating doubt
Of his doom,
And so force this grim offender
Very shortly to surrender,
Or, at any rate, clear out
Of Khartoum. "AH I" said a spinster, I believe BUT, oh, alas how oft are we
A Valentine I shall receive; Made martyrs by stern Fate's decree I
A "Val." quite lovely to behold, A Valentine was sent that Miss,
BUILDER'S IMPUDENCE.-Taking a site. Depicting my most beauteous mould I" But, ah I its style was more like this!
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES. SECOND S. Yes-that's it. Well then, there's the collection of two
shillin' each to diffray the expenses of the agents to be sent to the Sand-
REAL DISTRESS which Islands and the North Pole. But a feller oughtn't to grumble
[At Chicago a special fund of 7,oo000 dollars has been raised by the men on strike to about paying' that, 'cos one feels it's all-
defray the expenses of agents of the strike who are to be despatched to England. FIRST S. Yus, that's wot one does feel. Well then, there'll be a
-NewvsaNer-s.] matter o' three or four shillins round for revolvers and bombs for the
t pickets, and for dynamite for blowing' up employers mills an' thirgs-
SECOND S. Yus. An' a few shillins or so more for retaining' the
i I Union's legal adviser to defend enny of the fellers wot's prosecuted.
go r tuppence sht in y gu FIRST S. And a ercasional extra collection for the benefit ov the
agitators; and-wy, that'll be about all. P'raps yer might allow a
couple o' shillins a week more fur extrers; but no feller can grudge a
"-,shillin' or two for-
SECOND S. 0' course he can't. He'd be a cutting' orf 'is own nose,
_ggtV"o,'- w7 and a betrayin' 'is best interests. Wot _I says is, ai feller's interested in
Sy n looking' after 'is interests. Woddyer say to going' an' 'avin' 'arf a gallon ?
FIRST S. Right yar. Hullo I I ain't got a farden left.
s i) SECOND S. No more ain't I. It's all them masters robin' us of our
Sa t tuppence. Durn 'em !
FIRST STRIKER. Wot, work for twopence a week less ? Wy, don't THE month of February's short,
yer see-over and above as I won't do it-I can't do it. 'Ow can I ? It is the month when lovers court,
Looke'ere, I ony gits thirty shillin' a week now-well, I requires fifteen And being of the little sort,
o' that for beer. 'Tis called a (Valen)-tin(e)y one.
SECOND STRIKER. O' course; and three-and-six for lodgin's. 'Tis called a (Va'en)-tin(e)y one.
FIRST S. Jest so; and 'arf a crown for baccaa.
SECOND S. Zactly: and the rest for grub. AT Birmingham, a circus proprietor named Dudley has had to pay
FIRST S. That's it. Well, if I accepts tuppence less a week, I 'as to twenty shillings and costs for being drunk and assaulting a policeman
go tuppence short in my grub, don't I? Werry well-I can't do it! named Hume. It appears that Dudley threw some orange-peel on the
SECOND S. Course nor. We must strike, that's all about it; so let's railway station platform, whereupon Hume remonstrated with him, when
go an' pay in our shillin' a week to the Strike Committee. I don't Dudley struck him, saying, "We keep such men as you to pick it up.'
grudge that now, 'cos that's- Mr. Hume was evidently devoid of humour or he would have seen the
FIRST S. Course it is, that's wot Isays. Well then, there's the three joke. The reference to orange-peel meant that the policeman was, in
aggitators wot's come down and is a staying' at the hotel. Let's go and other words, "a peeler."
pay in our half a crown a week for them to live on. Oh, I find it's five
shillin' a week we 'ave to pay, 'cos the aggitators can't git on without
shampane an' that; but a feller don't grudge that 'cos it's SUITABLE "SERVICE."-The Premier of-Victoria,
62 i' N. FEBRUARY ii, 1885.
IN the enchanted land of Valentine-love measles never enter, teething
is unknown, and vaccination does not exist. In this fairyland of bliss
neither moths, doctor's bills, beetles,
nor mothers-in-law dare flit and
crawl about. By no chance do
rats, burglars, or cousins in the po-
lice ramp and raid about these
realmsofecstacy. In this happy land
tax-collectors are not admitted;
while food, clothes, coals, and gas
are totally unnecessary to the com-
forts of its inhabitants. Happy
land Happy land I
"GIVE me a heart capable of
flying beyond the dull prose of this
workaday world," said Adolphus
before they were married. But
when, in her flighty way, she left a
couple of darning needles in one of
i his socks, and he had to call in a
surgeon to extract steel particles
from his biggest toe, the language
of Adolphus towards his wife bor-
dered on profanity. And the honeymoon hadn't been over so very long
WE are delighted to see that the British lady advocates of "'Women's
Rights" continue to take manly and patriotic steps towards their desired
haven of social disturbance. Bless us! look at the liberty allowed to
half-savage Burmese women. Why, their husbands and lovers don't
object a bit when they smoke immense cheroots made of coarse leaves
rolled up, and filled with wood chips, raw sugar, and tobacco. Catch
an English girl whiffing a mild wholesome cigarette, and doesn't Edwin,
or Joseph, or somebody make a fuss about the matter-that's all !
ONLY the other day, while peacefully seated in our office reading
aloud, we came unexpectedly on the information, "Weddings celebrated
in India during the year will be unlucky, according to the Hindoo."
" Can't they Hundoo 'em if so be as they don't like 'em ?" "chirped in
our charwoman, whose presence we had not noticed. But a 'spose in
sech a outlandish place they hevs to Hindour 'em," she continued. We
were obliged to make that charwoman drink a glassful of soapy soda
water before she revived, after we had expostulated on her folly, with a
scrubbing-brush and a broom-handle.
IT'S particularly ungallant to say anything against a petticoat, espe-
cially at this season of the year. But we must admit that the public
have reason to be thankful lhat the infamous Petticoat Square has been
torn up, and decent dwellings erected on its site.
DRIED smoked lizards is the coming medicine for delicate ladies whose
systems requree tuning up and bracing. A dried lizard before every
meal is warranted by the Chinese doctors to cure penemia and to arrest
consumption. Ailing European ladies have hitherto not progressed
further than snails. _____
Pious WILLIAM has given Prince Henry of Battenberg his discharge
from the German army, accoman army, accompanied with a gracious blessing. The
generous Emperor likewise paid him a compliment, by telling him that
he is "a very well 'set up' young man." It does not fall to the lot of
every foreign prince to be as well set up" (in business), and so suddenly
DEAR dear I How very easily some people are overbalanced to be
sure. Here I a poor gentleman is quite upset because the beer tankards
in some of our restaurants are used over and over again without being
cleaned. Had the gentleman ever seen the manner in which beer is
manufactured in some of our breweries, and doctored before being sold
by certain retailers, the question of dirty tankards would not cause him
much personal discomfort.
ATTEMPTING to do justice, while doing justice to the good things of
this world, is a trick sometimes tried by legal luminaries. (Illegal lumi-
naries are of course always making the experiment.) A judge in the
Isle of Man recently entertained a large party of Manx lawyers to a dinner
in celebration of his elevation to the bench. The meal took place in an
hotel. Many and racy were the quips and cranks indulged in by the
lively limbs of the law. But the hotel manager's face dropped several
inches when he was summoned and fined for keeping his house open after
legal closing tim- on the occasion of those judicial festivities; and the
be-wigged bc-f.ocked ones also looked pensively jaw-droppy.
NO WONDER WHEN YOU THINK OF IT I
(FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.)
Bredhan Bhuttr, on the Nile.
THE strangest things have been taking place in the Mahdi's camp since
you heard from me last.
This morning one of the Mahdi's most trusted sheikhs came into camp,
flung himself, panting, into Lord Wolseley's arm-chair, and said he meant
to (as he expressed it in Soudanese) Tchukki-tupp."
"Wy? Whottzgorhn rhongg ?" asked Lord Wolseley in the visitor's
Karntt stanndhitt annih lhonnghr I" replied the excited and despair-
ing sheikh. (We translate the further conversation into English.)
Put up with what ? said Wolseley.
"Him-the Mahdi. Gone clean stark, staring mad-that's what he's
done I" replied the sheikh. Whether he's heard a bit of intelligence
that has disagreed with him I don't know, or whether it's that aunt of
his-but he began by banging his head about; then he tore his beard
and prayer-carpet into shreads, and went raving about like a maniac.
Keeps on saying, 'Well, after that!' and 'Think I'm going to bear
that, do they ?' He says he means to throw it all up now, and we may
all go about our business, and he isn't going to fight any more after
that,' hanged if he is."
"Well, I'm very glad to hear it," said Wolseley, "But what might
the that happen to be?"
At that moment a sudden bustle outside interrupted the conversation,
and the Mahdi stalked in and flung himself down on a vacant seat.
Dull despair was traced on every lineament of his expressive face.
"You're Wolseley, aren't you?" he murmured sullenly.
The general admitted it.
"Well look here, after what's come to my ears, I don't care a date
what happens, and I give in, and that's all about it. As I said to
Gordon, I said, Here, you can have Khartoum back again, and your
liberty too,' I said. In comparison with some people, I consideryou an
"Dear me" said Wolseley, "I'm extremely sorry that anybody should
have done anything to wound you so deeply. May I venture to enquire
"Ugh I" grunted the Mahdi (in his native tongue). It makes me
feel sick, and I'll tell you-look here." With these words the False
Prophet read from a scrap of English newspaper the following :-
Mr. Deasey, M.P., colleague of Mr. Parnell in the representation
of Cork, speaking at a Nationalist demonstration said that the effects of
English misrule had been to send Irishmen to all civilized nations, and
Irishmen were found ready to fight against England in all foreign armies.
In fact, he learned in London that the Mahdi was a Cork man, named
"There !" said the poor Mahdi faintly, "Claim me as one of their
kidney Want to make me out a-ahem-a non-discourager of dyna-
miters I Spread it about that I-I !-am the associate of Irish treason-
mongers, and M.Ps., and suchlike I"
Wolseley compassionately stroked the suffer's sacred beard. "As an
Irishman who does not fight against England, I feel most keenly for
you" he said; and they embraced and wept.
For the Fourteenth;
WHO'S not averse to the marriage tie?
The reader's requested upon the spot
To give a most careful correct reply.
What? all give it up? and so easy-why,
You have only to say, Well a true lover's (k)not I
THE farmers of Yorkshire are complaining of a plague of rooks in their
parts. This is very (Y)ork-ward, and doubtless the perplexed agriculturists
have caws to wish that these birds would take their rook far, far away.
FEBRUARY iI, 1885. 63
ST. VALENTINE "ALL-SORTS."
"o.CI wonderluls (il0)soll
L .1I lt Call So ;olil
We hastl la I
HERE various Vals you may witness,
All chosen because of their fitness
For certain professions and trades;
The drawing before you discovers
A number of very nice lovers,
. And several charming young maids !
The first is a Val" that's dramatic;
Next, Cupid in garb most erratic;
Then a newly-caught "swell" inaplight;
There's a muffin-man's bell(e) who wants
And a clo'-man his Rachel's praise singing,
And a fly "-man indulging in flight.
There's a "Val" for our martial defenders,
And one where a Bobby love tenders,
And the dustman and butcher in throes;
In the centre are loves, hand-pressing,
While she is the sender's name guessing,
But his name the sly siren well knows I
gr To CORRESPONDRNTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fiay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
64 [-TU N FEBRUARY II, 1885.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN.'
SIR,-I am going to the dogs-not just this minute, but- presently.
I say I am
Sf ,) *, a, ::.going to
.l -'" ~', the W ater-
: ,- ,' dogs; and
*.- I d o n 't
S C N C U E I A -
S. come back
h ande d.
Th tiliJfirt li/gs r//l resortation
(if I may be
I must give
SPORTING SKTCHES, No. .- 0' COURSK-SING MEETING, AND the first tip
A BAR' REST. of the year;
all is said and done, I think you will find that you have "the right sow
by the tip of the year I" At any rate, here is my
TIP FOR THE FOUR OAKS NATIONAL HURDLE HANDICAP PLATE.
The firstlings first tooth fills mamma with much rapture,
The first of grey hairs chills the bosom with fear,
The soldier's first battle hints death-wounds and capture-n
But think of the Prophet's first tip of the year.
The joy of the mother, the fear of the grey one,
The dangers besetting the party in red,
Are nought to the joys and the fears that waylay one,
And threaten (for failure) to fall on his head.
But "never say die "-here's the tip of the Prophet
About the above interesting event;
So study it, read it, and make the best of it,
And don't call him names when your money is spent.
Take Albany's Duke, and with deference treat him,
Hesperian (would that your owner I were),
And take Theophrastus (there's few can defeat him),
And think ere you finally "pass" or "declare."
King Priam and Lottie respectfully ponder,
The Sophist will puzzle you rarely, by Jove !
While Drakensberg frowns on us heavily yonder,
And threatens-or promises-much to a cove.
But, oh for the hope of the rich Maharanee,
Can any one wish a more noble return ?
Yet, Maid of Orleans, thou'rt fairer than any,
And, Maid of Orleans, for thee 'tis I yearn.
And now for the dogs. For you and them I have prepared the fol-
TIP FOR THE WATERLOO CUP.
Of dogs that hope to win this race we've rather more than plenty,
And so from four-and-sixty I've selected six-and-twenty,
And from that six-and-twenty I intend before I've done, too,
Selecting half-a-dozen, and from half-a-dozen one, too.
Old Windabout, and Orato, and Friend or Foe, or Viking,
Or Arrows-in-the-Air, or Madeline, may suit your liking;
Antiquity or Iowa, Hush-Money, Allsopp, Vapour,
False Standard, or Irene you may back with cash or paper.
Miss Eastlake, Clamor, Devotee, and Petrarch let me mention,
With Tonic and Miss Glendyne, may deserve your best attention
While Greentick, Water (Mineral), or Pinkerton or Neilson,
Huberta or Miranda make you mad with rapture feel, son.
Richest Custard I wIthout
1 1s H l Half the Cost
and Trouble I I I Choice I
B IR D Decious I A Great Luxury I
ints. -ive met wtSf general approtati
ALFRED BIRD & SONS, Devonshire Work, lead pencil, ad nether scratch
Birmingham funded by a new process. SiPrize
Birmingham. Sample Box,6d.; post-free.7stamps t
And, adding Skittles to the list, I think you'll own they're plenty,
And if you'll count them carefully you'll find there's six-and-twenty.
Then take M. Water, Friend or Foe, and Greentick, "oh, my cousin I"
Clamor, Tonic, Pinkerton-and that's the half.a-dozin.
Then beat about and hesitate until it's nearly chronic,
Between M. Water, Pinkerton, the Clamor, or the Tonic,
Until your stock of patience and of temper nearly done is,
And then you'll fix on Mineral and-bless us 1-there the one is I
The V.P.-(A Spencer-ian Snack.")
[Mr. Herbert Spencer has written to the effect that the public are vulgar, end
has commented very severely upon their rage for newspaper reading, and their contempt
for educated authority. Mr. Freeman has lately defended the vulgar public."]
ALAS I my British Public, you were hitherto regarded
As a person who had common sense and knew his way about;
But now, we find, this notion must in future be discarded,
It seems you are a nobody, a fool, a dunce, a lout !
V.P., instead of B.P., must be now your designation,
For you're a Vulgar Public," a philosopher declares,
You dare to read the papers, and you have no education,
According to a scientist who never puts on airs.
It appears that you are dense, V.P., and couldn't well be denser-
Yes, you're a Vulgar Public, so says Mr. Herbert Spencer I
You ought to let this scientist have absolute dominion,
And should simply say, "Oh, yes, sir, order matters as you please;
We bow to your decision, and have not the least opinion,
Why need we have when we've a grand philosopher's decrees ?"
You ought to simply bow and cringe before this man of science,
Unto this great philosopher you e'er should hymn your praise-
Singing, Hail to thee, 0 Spencer I on thy brain we place reliance,
Be kind enough to frame our laws and order all our ways !"
And then, V.P., you ought to chant and swing a sort of censer
To gratify the nostrils of the know-all Herbert Spencer I
How dare you, Vulgar Public, e'er pretend to have a notion,
On Morals, Art, or Politics, on Clothing, Creeds, or Fcoo ?
You only by your mad ideas create a vague commotion,
Which pains this wise philosopher, and makes him think you rude.
Periodicals and papers, too, you waste your time in reading,
Which proves (so Mr. Spencer says) that wisdom you have non ;
To read the papers (he says) is a most insane proceeding,
And doubtless he would even say you ne'er should study Fur.
Though FUN, as you're aware, is quite a world-famed moral censor,
And, though merry, is as wise, methinks, as Mr. Herb-rt Spener I
Mr. Spencer, you will recollect, refused to try, just lately,
To run himself for Parliament, as he was asked to do ;
For the English style of politics annoyed him very greatly,
And he thought our politicians all a very sorry crew.
'Tis a pity that we can't enlarge our Parliament to fit him,
'Tis a pity that you Public will upset his noble mind;
'ris a pity that to order you about you don't permit him,
Oh, you bad V.P. to worry one so lofty and refined I
If you do not quickly worship him, his grief will be intense,
And you'll have to build a special world or Mr. Hferbei t Spencer !
[Mr. Deasy, M.P., speaking at Cork the other day, said he had learnt in London
[that the Mahdi was a Cork man, named Sullivan.]
THE Mahdi was a "heavy" man we thought,
But Deasy says he is a Cork man, so
Of course he is a light man, and we ought
More leniency to the O'Mahdi show.
Still Irish eloquence is often breezy,
And so, no doubt, this statement's free and (D)easy.
SUITABLE SITUATIONS FOR CUPID ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.-B >w,
'Arrow, and Dart-ford.
Cocoa thickens in the fR I 1
cup, its proves the
addition of Starchn C o
W e PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!!
FEBRUARY 18, 1885. ETJ 65
FUN'S THEATRICAL "PAGES."
NIAv~FA II' I "'.:R
Ql MYE. )yrL
5yO.N, /IA (1000
A 'E 0
NO. 3.-"ACCORDING TO THE FASHION AND THE TIME."
VOL. XLI,-NO. 1032.
WNE Vy h L)
Pei I- R
66 IT N. FEBRUARY 1S, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HE ST. JAMES'S. The
Bard has done it at last I
Sundry threatening hath he
S/ days, but verily now hath he
gone the whole hog. He
( hath been making money
lately, so needs must he be a
2 swell. Therefore hath he
hied him to Piccadilly and
purchased him a "masher"
collar, assumed the painful
eyeglass, and donning brave
clothes, "haw-haws" it in a
right languidly style at the St.
James's hard by. For truly
the sleepy unemotional air of
good breeding pervades this
I same performance of As You
lulleth the weary one to
-_ FOR my own part I am not
disposed to quarrel either
THE ST. JAMES'S.-LE BEAU HT LE BRLL; with the brave clothes, or
THE LICENSED HAWKER, with Mrs. Kendal's Rosalind
-two themes which.. have
served the serious critics well. Archaeology threatens to become as' iuch
a nuisance as it is in many instances an absurdity (Mrs. Kendal, by the
way, no longer wears that comical plated misconception for the "curtle-
axe") but surely As You Like It, of all plays, in its complete and
unconquerable vagueness both of period and locale, is one upon which
even the Hon. Lewis Wingfield may be allowed to work his sweet will.
To the objection that forest-life would soon have taken the shine out of
the resplendent costumes of the banished Duke's courtiers (if one is
obliged to apply cold reason to so obviously a fanciful story), it may be
answered that silks and satins in ante-umbrella days were at least no
worse off beneath the shelter of trees and caves than in streets; that the
exiles had probably provided themselves with gold and jewels and other
convertible matter previous to taking flight; that the Forest of Arden,
wherever it might be, was certainly not in Central Africa, but within
communicable distance of tailors and haberdashers; that these things
had perhaps just come home from the tailors ; that they were at least as
likely to be thus attired as in the conventional costume of the Crystal
Palace Forester; and that the whole thing is not worth making a fuss
about, as it might be-in the case of Romeo and uliet, let us say.
No, it is bad acting, and not good clothes (except inasmuch as the
latter have been cared for to the exclusion of thought for the other) that
spoils the St. James's production. If the acting were good, little
objection would have been
raised to the clothes, I take
it. Instance -who, as he /
watches the carefully-studied,
characteristic and scholarly [" I
delineation of the Melancholy i
Jaques, thinks of Mr. Her-
man Vezin's clothes ?-albeit / 1
they are, although of sober \HT
tint, fully as costly in ap- -
pearance and peculiar in 1
some points as any archteo- I
logical one of them all. In- /
deed, the general acting is W )
curiously bad. It is hard to
say where Mr. Hare is wrong,
but his Touchstone is unde-
niably uninteresting. Mr.
Kendal's Orlando is about
as drawling, "haw, haw,"
and unimaginative a perfor-
mance, I should think, as
any man could compass, and ~ 4 i
Miss Linda Dietz, capable of -
doing much better if she ,
gave her mind to it, invests
the part of Celia with a gig- THE PRINCESS'S.-" BUT WHERE'S IMfy
gling affability that is ex- TESTIMONIAL?"
tremely irritating. The sins
of the remainder of the cast-premising that Mr. Tapley sings well as
Amiens, that Mr. Brandon Thomas gives some individuality to the part
of the First Lord, that Mr. Hamilton Bell's Le Beau is a bright and inde-
pendent little performance, and that Mr. Maclean plays Adam in the
approved style-are more those of omission than commission, there is
such a dead level of mediocrity about them, except that Mr. F. Rodney
BUT Rosalind, so please you, is well played, and Rosalind is more
than half the battle-or play. The reception this performance has
received at the hands of sundry critics may lead Mrs. Kendal to
believe that some of her random barbs have gone deeper than is perhaps
the case. There are two .ways of looking at the character of Rosalind;
you may take it as Mrs. Kendal plays it, and as, I think, Shakespeare
meant it-a young lady of high-spirits and honest nature who does not
go through the world with either eyes or ears shut, but innocent enough,
though neither prude nor bread-and-butter miss, a bit of a madcap, and in
the exultation of her novel intercourse with Orlando, a trifle free-spoken;
or you may evolve a Rosalind out of your inner consciousness, all poetry,
and prettiness, and impossibility. To argue that the part was written
for a coarse age," to be played by a boy, and therefore to play her with
"knowingness" is a mistake, is nonsense; whether written for a coarse
age or a corsage, Rosalind is what she is, and I don't see that she can
reasonably be made anything but what Mrs. Kendal makes her in the
main. Of course the sneer of "modern comedy" is flung at anyattempt
to be natural. The references to the age of the actress are somewhat super-
fluous ; it is neither patriarchal nor obtrusive. NESTOR.
NEW MEMBERS OF SOCIETY.
ONE of the most amusing and cheerful features in the current dyna-
mite business is the matter-of-fact way in which the newspapers-par-
ticularly in America-speak of the
dynamiters as if they were accepted
members of society. We are told *i FT'IE|F F' F L B '|
that Members of the Dynamite
Fraternity made frequent visits to
the hospital to inquire after Rossa,"
and that "wthe courtyard was I
thronged all night with members of
the Dynamite Faction." We are
also blandly informed how "Much
indignation prevails in dynamite
circles," and so forth.
This sort of thing is comfortable,
and makes things pleasant all round,
it tends toward the cultivation of
amicable relations" between the
murderers and their intended vic-
tims. This is the sort of item we
may shortly expect as a common
A large and distinguished gather-
ing. of Murderers were present
during the proceedings in Congress
yesterday, and received many of the
speeches with enthusiasm. They
were afterwards presented to several
distinguished members of the C
Senate, with whom they inter-
The amateur dramatic perfor-
mance got up by the London
Suicides Society is fixed to take
place on the 26th inst. The pieces, which have been expressly written
for the occasion by members of the society, are of a somewhat morbid
description, and will be performed principally by members and fellows.
The stage manager is understood to be Mr. Brooder-Fellow, D.C.
An unusually fine display of valuable goldsmiths' work and jewellery
was held yesterday at the Goldsmith's Hall. The Thieves' Fraternity
attended numerously, and mingled pleasantly with the exhibitors and
their wares, especially the wares, a large quantity of which are missing.
It seems uncertain at present whether the dynamite or revolver element
will be in the ascendant at the forthcoming elections in the United
States. Several of the States are expected to return dynamite members,
while several others favour the election of pistollers.
The dinner and ball to be given by the public to the Socialists and
Anarchists of all nations is again postponed, pending the release from
Portland of Tobias Cutte-Throte, Esq., the eminent political homicide,
who is to occupy the place of honour. The lists of toasts is expected
to include "Death to all decent citizens," and "Success to the Science
A novel and pleasant feature of the next Drawing-Room at Bucking-
ham Palace is to be the attendance of the Criminal Lunatics from
Broadmoor, who will be presented to Her Majesty.
FEBRUARY 18, 1885. :FiTJN 67
A Letter from Our Little Friend.
[The D. T. referring to the Cleaver-Baddeley love-letter case, says
there is no wish on the part of Society at large to banish Cupid from
'TWAS perhaps well-meant, D. T.,
To make mention in your leader,
Of the powers possessed by me
As the lovers' special pleader.
But when my claims you urged
(Re that Cleaver altercation)
You spoke kindly, but you merged
There exists no wish, you say,
From Society to rout me ?
I should rather think not, eh ?
What would people do without me ?
I their hearts together bind,
And by lovers I am greeted;
I'm the world's best friend, you'll find,
If I properly am treated I
With my arrow and my bow,
I wound smart girls and "fly men,
Then I pass them on, you know,
To the well-known Doctor Hymen.
No heart true pleasure knows,
In fact, it's views are narrow,
And it ne'er with gladness glows
Till it's stricken with my arrow.
Just a day or two ago
When friend Valentine was present,
I arranged a tidy show,
And made many a home more pleasant.
When St. Valentine is here,
He increases my vocation,
But still, throughout the year,
I have lots of occupation.
And, therefore, friend D. T,
Though your article was clever,
Don't you worry about me,
For my power will last for ever.
Your land might do without
Say, M.P's.-(for some are stupid),
But the world would be snuffed out,
Without, yours truly, CUPID.
"NOT OUT OF COLLAR."--Mr. Gladstone.
Mfr, Raggles.-" YOU'VE BEEN AN' MADE A MISTAKE WITH MY WASIIIN',
MRS. MANGLES, AND SENT 'OME THREE OLD IJANKYCHERS AS DON'T
BELONG TO ME, AN' NOTHING ELSE."
Mrs. Mangles.-"LoR' MR. RAGGLES, THAT AIN'T HANKYCHERS;
THAT IS YOUR SHIRT AS 'AS COME TO PIECES IN THE WASHIN' AT
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES A "SIGHT-SEALING,"
IT was New Guinea I annexed last, Sir, any doubts I may have had
on the subject having been long ago dissipated, thanks to the un-
necessarily violent language and peremptory, not to say perem-radical
action of a German Major, a Dutch Deputy Governor, a British (Austra-
lian) Police Magistrate, and a native Papuan Chieftain, before whom, in
my excess of zeal I found myself summarily hauled within a few hours of
concluding my, as I thought, great feat of annexation.
What with the Teutonic oaths, the Double-Dutch objurgations, the
Antipodean expletives, and the Papuan epithets launched at my devoted
head, I felt myself at last a kind of Oath-ello," and was proceeding to
address a tew cursory remarks of my own to my polyglot persecutors,
when they suddenly had me put into my balloon, which they let loose, quite
regardless of the currents, the result being, as you know, Sir, that in-
stead of making direct for the South Pole, I found myself, after a some-
what chilly journey, once more hovering over my beloved London.
I shall always remember your arm welcome, Sir, and the genial way
in which, greetings over, you exclaimed, "Well, my dear Extra, now
you are here, suppose you go and 'do'those performing seals at the
I do not quite see what the point of my reply, Fiat justitia ruat per-
forming Sealem was, but as you and your corps of private secretaries
laughed, Sir, no doubt it struck you as funny at the time.
At any rate I went to the Aquarium, and just to keep my hand in, at
once asked to see the trainer of the Seals. Having been introduced, I
remarked, pointing to the five amphibia with my umbrella, Now I
hope, Sir, you train these seals with kindness ?"
Certainly," he replied.
No blows, I trust," I returned. Not one," he replied.
"Nor any sealing-whacks' either, eh, Sir ?" the general titter
amongst the audience which followed, convinced me that I had not
wholly lost my power to amuse the public.
Encouraged by my success, I winked sympathetically at the audience,
and again addressed the seals' trainer. "Your pets have names, I see,"
said I. "Are they engraved upon your seals, now, may I ask? "
Your gesture being of a negative nature," I went on, I will assume
they are not, my lord."
The man, surprised at my mode of address, said, I am not a peer."
"Nonsense I I retorted. "As Keeper of the Seals, you cannot be
This was a daring "try on," Sir, for the quip is of the oldest and
crustiest description, but the public, perhaps recognizing an old friend,
greeted it with most flattering warmth.
Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Toby, Blind Bob, Sampson, and the Clown
Seal had begun their feats-it is curious to note that for their "feats "
they are chiefly dependent on their flippers "-and played the banjo,
the drum, the tambourine, and all kinds of tricks.
So cleverly, too, did they slip and glide through their various per
formances that I could not help suggesting that they had been trained
with "train" oil.
Sampson is eight years old, and if the Lord Chancellor will allow me
to say so, is the greatest seal in England. I mentioned Mr. and Mrs.
Toby just now. Seals, by the way, do not go in for sealibacy, and these
two make a most devoted couple, and to see and hear them play duets,
of course of their own selection, is really a treat such as we seahlom get.
The Sealerity of each member of the clever quintet is remarkable.
They seem to have the "are sealare artemr," in tact, and take to their
performance with a skill that looks like second nature.
I should christen Mr. Toby, if he were mine, "Solomon's Seal," he
is so preternaturally wise. He is, I think, the best talker of the five.
Of course you have heard of sea-lingo, Sir. Well, it is seal-lingo that
seals'-kin use for talking purposes.
On the whole, Sir, I can heartily recommend a visit to the Aquarium
seals, even though I may not myself be present.
8 I JFU FEBRUARY i8, i88,
AN UNSATISFACTORY INNOVATION.
According to the paper, FALSE TEETH are now to be obtained on the HIRE SYSTEM, and one dentist, at least, is sending round circulars to that effect. We do not
recommend the system. We believe it to be fraught with trouble and difficulty. Our Special Tryer tried it.
Until the dentist proved they weren t paid for, and foreclosed on them.
And then out Tryer's mortal riv.l, that fop Bran Masher, over the way, hired
them, and cut out our Tryer in the affections of his intended with them. There
is much to be said against the system.
IFU TN .--FEBRUARY IS, 1885.
WITH A NATION'S TEARS.
170 rUIT FEBRUARY iS, 1885.
OUR NEW CONSTABLES.
OUR house had not been exactly comfortable. Jane and Maria, the
handmaidens, when left to themselves, had not behaved as they might
have done. We went out to dinner one night. Jane, who had a taste
for mild October, drank half the beer by the simple process of inserting
the stem of a long pipe through the hole where the vent-peg goes in.
Whether it was owing to the quantity of malt liquor she had absorbed,
or to the nicotine in the pipe-stem, I don't know; but when my wife
and I got home at one a.m., Jane was lying on her back in the coal-
cellar, singing softly to herself, "I am the belle of the ball, dear boys."
Maria had higher notions than this. Maria picked the lock of my
wife's wardrobe, and put on her best low-necked squashed strawberry
silk, taking also a new fan from her dressing-case. Then Maria went
into the front garden, and, like a perfect lady, flirted her fan and
showed her shoulders over the railings. She likewise invited into the
house two over-long privates in the Blues, who found their way to the
sherry, and fell over two or three tables with choice bits of Indian blue
on them. This was bad-wearing my wife's dress and fan. It went
round the neighbourhood that Mrs. Simmonds (my Letitia) was given
to drinking, and, when in liquor, to dressing herself up and asking
people to the house who were total and entire strangers.
"If the police only looked after things we should be all right."
It was like a miracle when, the next day, the sergeant of police
knocked at the door and asked to see me.
"You will be glad to hear, sir, and mum," said he, "that I've got
two new young men on your beat as has got eyes like regler lynxes;
they're young men, sir, and mum, as has eyes-excuse me a saying of it
-for something else than the servants."
I said I was very glad indeed to hear it. Then there was a long
pause, and the sergeant looked as if expecting something to be said or
done. Then he burst into a violent fit of coughing.
"You are ill, sergeant," said my Letitia kindly; "what is the
matter ?" He shook his head.
"The anxiety o' my work, mum, affects the 'art; the cold pavin'
stones works on the inward system, mum-a risin' uppards as the cold
does from the feet." He coughed violently, shivered, and laid his hand
upon the lower buttons of his coat.
"Perhaps a little brandy would do you good," said my wife.
"I once heard," he answered sadly, "my second cousin twice removed
tell me he knowed a man, when a boy, whose brother was done much
good, too, by a leetle brandy." And the sergeant shook his head again.
My wife gave him a small glass of "Three Stars," and he looked at the
liquid with an air of surprise, as one might on seeing the Two-Headed
Nightingale or the Earthmen for the first time in one's life.
He is a good man-a sober, well-conducted man," said my wife.
He left us meekly; but we fancied, as he went out, that we heard a
slight scuffle in the passage before the street-door was opened. Betsy
Jane, the cook, who is an untruthful person, and jealous of Charlotte,
the parlourmaid, said afterwards that the sergeant came from the draw-
ing-room with his forefinger placed on.the left side of his nose, and that
he kissed Charlotte before he left. Betsy Jane is not to be depended
on. Soon after the new policemen came on the beat, Letitia and I
were rather over-tired, and could not go to sleep. Suddenly a flash of
light appeared on the ceiling of the bedroom.
It isn't lightning, is it?" I asked. As there was no thunder, we
felt composed, and tried to go asleep again. Flash The light was in
the room again.
Perhaps the house is on fire the other side of the way," said Letitia.
But no, it was too quiet for that. Flash! There was more light. Le-
titia said perhaps it was the Aurora Borealis. I said I would slip on my
trousers and go down and see. It was very cold. Outside was one of
the new policemen, so I asked him to come in, as the fire had not gone
out in the drawing-room. I gave him a shilling, and he sat down.
"I was just a-shying my bull's-eye over your winder, sir, 'cos I
thought as 'ow the fastenin's might be' undone, and the burglars get in."
This showed he was a very careful officer. Ours is a high house, and
my bedroom window is forty-five feet from the pavement. Still, if a
burglar had climbed up a lamp-post, jumped from there on to a drain-
pipe, then done a spring up of twenty-two feet, and got his hands well
on to the window-sill, he might have got into the bedroom if he was
active, and did not carry too many jemmys and things.
I am much obliged for your care," I said, and gave him some whisky
Next night Letitia and I were fast asleep when we were woke up by
a most hideous rattling sound.
It sounds as if the water-main had burst in the road, and was
splashing on the pavement. The noise died out, and we fell asleep.
Rattle I rattle I rattle I We were woke up again.
"I do believe it's Higgin's pony got loose," said Letitia; "it did last
year, and you know what a noise it made, Charles."
Then I put on my trousers, went downstairs, opened the street door,
and looked out. There was the other faithful new constable.
My feet was so dreadful cold, sir," he said, that I was doing a bit
of double shuffle to warm them." He did a bit more double-shuffle.
Jones, my neighbour opposite, flung his bedroom window suddenly open,
and made use of very bad language. He called the name of a certain
person who would be better-looking without a certain dorsal appendage
and a pair of horns, and he wanted to know what the matter was.
That's the way as a conscienshus orficer gets served when he tries as
how to do his dooty by keeping' of a good watch," said the policeman.
"I gave him a shilling, and told him that if he felt cold would he
mind doing any double-shuffling a few hundred yards off? The next
night he double-shuffled under another window. I heard afterwards
that my friend White, who is a lawyer, and irritable, had quieted him with
a soap dish and three balls of Terebene thrown at him, not in a
volley, but singly, one by one.
The police, however, mean well, my dear," I said to Letitia, three
On some nights people in our street call the police in and give them
egg-hot and other
Once our po- ,,
lice were, I fancy, i
we went to bed l
quite happy. In :
the middle of the d
night there was ,
such a dreadful
noise in the street
that I rushed
downstairs with .
only my nightshirt
on. I got out on
the doorstep when
the street door
slammed to. Some
across the road.
"You're a bur-
made up the door-
"I ain't a bur-
glar," I said. I
was wroth, for the
cold wind was
playing round my
alongsh with me," shrieked the dreadful man. I shan't!" I said.
"Then I shall call ashishtance." The villain took his whistle from
his pocket. Oh I the hideous din. All the people in the street flung
open their windows. So many nightcaps were there that it looked as if
a cauliflower had been stuck on every window-sill.
The sergeant came up and said "Don't report him, sir, he's a very good
young constable, only he's been a-egg-hotting a little on an empty inside."
I have not reported him, but I have cut off my yearly subscription to
the Police Orphanage. The police are a little too wideawake sometimes.
FEBRUARY I8, 885.. 71
With a Nation's Tears.
THE tidings, borne upon us from Khartoum,
That tell how gallant Gordon came to die,
Have steep'd our northern home in sudden gloom
And taken all the sunshine from our sky.
Oh, wondrous sad I and as Britannia hears
The woeful tale from that far-distant part,
Her eyes are straightway dimm'd with welling tears,
Which mark the grief that fastens on her heart.
It little soothes her in this darksome hour
To know the Arab's doughty courage bends
Day after day before the British pow'r,
And victory her onward path attends.
'Tis vain to strive to set her mind at rest
By urging this could ne'er have been foreseen,
Or that was all intended for the best;
She feels what is, nor heeds what might have been,
"After life's fitful fever he sleeps well ;"
So Duncan slept, and so her hero sleeps,
The while Britannia, as a sentinel,
In spirit watches by his corse and weeps,
THE DEGENERATION OF LONDONERS.
ACCORDING to Mr. James Cantlie, F.R.C.S., a pure Londoner
of the third generation is an unique specimen of physical decay.
When our Country Cousin comes up for a holiday-say fifty years '
hence-he will no doubt present a contrast something like the above.
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
"ARE you going to the meet, Solomon?" asked Mrs. Blunderberry
anxiously, as, attempting to help herself to a kipper with a teaspoon, she
let it fall across the fresh butter.
"No I" chuckled Mr. Blunderberry. "The meat's coming to me,"
and he sniggled as he pulled the cold beef towards him and overturned
the cruet-stand on to the buttered toast.
"Oh, Solomon, how tiresome you are As if you didn't know quite
well that I meant the meeting of Parliament !"
Great Diana I What made you talk as if the solemn conclave of our
national legislators was a copse and a meadow, twelve hedges and a five-
barred gate ? What put it into that head of yours that the Ministry all
came to St. Stephen's on horseback and in red coats? Anybody ever tell
you the Home Rulers were a pack of hounds, and that Gladstone blew
a horn when the sport began, while Chamberlain and Dilke put their
hands to their mouths and halloed, Yoicks !' ? Suppose you've picked
up a notion somewhere that Bradlaugh is the cunning dog-fox to be hunted
-eh? What next?"
Oh, Solomon, if you are going, I do so wish you would take me;
that's what I wanted to say, only you will make me say things I don't
want to say. I have read all about it over and over, and it must be the
most beautiful sight in the world."
And you think one sight ought to go and see another sight," growled
Oh, a lovely sight !" continued Mrs. Blunderberry enthusiastically,
clasping her hands and letting her teaspoon drop into her lap. Fancy I
There's the Queen seated on her throne, and the Archbishop of Canter-
bury puts the crown on her head, and Mr. Gladstone, all dressed in ar-
mour, throws down his glove and say's he'll fight anybody who-"
Oh, you've got it all off by heart haven't you? interrupted her lord.
"You'd like to be Master of Hounds at the meet,' as you call it; a
Master of Arts, to cajole me into taking you out for the day; and Master
of the Ceremonies when you got to the Houses of Parliament. Why, all
you know painted on a strip of paper would sell in the streets for a penny
as the panorama of the Lord Mayor's Show."
I'm sure I don't want to be master of anything while you live, Solo-
mon," cried Mrs. Blunderberry penitently.
"Who's talking of dying? No, Mrs. B.-no 1 I will live for your
sake, for had you no one at the breakfast-table on whom to shower your
superfluous knowledge, you'd-you'd explode. Why don't you comb
out your facts with your back hair before you come down in the morn-
ing ? Why, in the name of Minerva's owl, do you want to shoot off your
whole battery of Things not generally known' at me ? At me, Mrs.
B.,-especially when I am eating an egg."
But whether we go or not, Solomon, it's quite time Parliament did
"There you go again Kind and considerate as ever I Parliament
will open for the season, under the patronage of Mrs. Blunderberry.
Her Most Gracious Majesty, by kind permission of Mrs. Blunderberry,
will appear in her favourite character of Queen of England. Why,
madam, judging by the coolly insolent way in which you patronise the
British Empire, you only want a heavy moustache, three gallons of beer,
and a bad temper, to be Prince Bismarck.
"Anyhow there are nothing but misfortunes everywhere, Solomon,
abroad and at home; and I'm sure I don't know how it will end, or
what we are all coming to."
Pooh Mrs. B.-pooh I and her lord snapped his fingers defiantly.
"England will never lose her prestige while she has a Blunderberry,
and a million more like him. If detectives be wanted to track crime
and sedition to its London lair, let them call on Solomon Blunderberry;
if soldiers be needed to fight the country's battles, is there not Solomon
Blunderberry to be found every morning in his semi-detached villa?
There are plenty of men left in England, Mrs. Blunderberry, who will
be ready when they are wanted." And Mr. Blunderberry buttoned
his overcoat tight across his chest, and gave his hat a military cock, as
he marched with head erect to meet the City omnibus.
"Poor, dear Solomon; I don't think a uniform would suit him very
well," sighed Mrs. Blunderberry at the window.
[" Let it be known," says the Globe, "to the meat-dealing profession throughout
the length and breadth of the land, that a butcher has been actually sent to prison
for six months for having unwholesome meat on his premises."]
WE thank thee, oh! rabid and roseate sheet,
For this glorious item of news;
For though we on politics cannot meet,
On this we agree with your views.
To your wise suggestion we pay regard,
For the news is to us most sweet-
"A butcher's been sentenced to six months' hard
For selling unwholesome meat I "
For awhile his chances will be remote
Of filling his greedy purse;
O'er that would-be poisoner's fate we gloat,
And we would that his doom were worse.
Fear not, gay Globe, FUN has turned on a bard
Who'll cause millions of men to repeat-
"A butcher's been sentenced to six months' hard
For selling unwholesome meat 1"
Take note, oh ye sellers of carrion-food
(Who would rob and would poison the poor),
That by FUN with joy is this sentence viewed,
And he hopes 'twill effect your cure.
With the same prison-brush may ye all be tarred
When your wares are unfit to eat;
Remember-there's one doing six months' hard
For selling unwholesome meat I
72 U3lTJIN FEBRUARY 18, I88S.
PASSIONATE longings for the sweet molasses of matrimony always
blossom forth and expand into bold flowery advertisement about the St.
Valentine period, but this year
the army and navy officers seem
to be unusually brisk in their
desires to tie themselves up with
nuptial knots. For instance,
S a retired lieut. -colonel"
(widower), states among other
advantages, that "being in a
/ first-class state of mind and
body, I am again game to give
myself away to a worthy Chris-
tian woman who would obey
me, in addition to having at all
times a kind word and [a sweet
smile for the dear old boy."
An "English sea captain, age
fifty-three," likewise requires a
wife, but though "possessing
good teeth, a fresh complexion,
and a tendency to corpulence,"
like a magnanimous British tar, he is "not particular about age or
looks." Then another sailor, a real live captain in the Royal Navy,
wants a better-half, and plaintively asks, Will any young lady row in
my boat ?" The little we know about young ladies and better-halves
inclines us to the belief that they prefer steering to rowing-rowing, of
course, in the nautical acceptation and pronunciation of the word.
"A YOUNG dark foreign gentleman," whose profession is that of a
nobleman too, hanks after marriage : he "has black eyes, goes to Court,
and wishes to marry a young lady of cheerful habits." Having broad
views, the titled young gentleman (who hails from abroad) says Religion
no object, but the young lady must be possessed of at least ;3,ooo per
annum I" While even the clerical profession is not unrepresented in
hymeneal type, for a pious pastor rushes into print thusly : -" Will a
French priest having a high position in England, thirty-eight years of age,
ever meet with a compassionate heart who will understand his moral suffer-
ings and captivity ?" Of course we must assume the moral suffering gen-
tleman is a protestant priest.
WHEN a married woman of thirty-two years annexes 8oo of her
husband's money and a musical box, and runs away with her father-in-
law who has passed eighty winters on this planet, one begins to believe
that some of the fair sex are rather fickle. A Cardiff lady went in for
this little flow of eccentricity the other day. But then it's Valentine
period you know. So never mind.
A CONTEMPORARY thinks it extraordinary that well-to-do men lose
their hair earlier than impecunious males. Why extraordinary? Surely
the vengeance of female jealousy is more satisfactorily wreaked on pros-
perous men, than on poor ones. A new sealskin jacket may be the
reward of feminine hair shifting revenge in one case, and thunder-
cloud-coloured optic in the other.
IN the Fatherland a discarded lover recently brought a breach of pro-
mise action against a Teutonic lady. The wicked cruel fellow had f350
damages awarded him. It is rumoured that someone interviewed the
plaintiff after the trial, and that he was subsequently carried home to
the bosom of his family on a stretcher, but the damages left a very hand-
some surplus to his pa and ma after all funeral expenses had been paid,
WONDER whether we shall ever hear a royal breach of promise case in
this country; the plaintiff being a German prince ? Ach vat a larks
it vood be.
THE Crown Prince of Germany has had a most narrow escape of
being run over in Berlin by a carriage and pair. However, the Crown
Prince at the critical moment, with great presence of mind, and powerful
fingers seized the horses by the tails, and checked them. Owing to his
immense strength the horses' tails gave way, and came out unexpectedly,
and alas I the Crown Prince fell heavily on his back. The owner of the
horses threatens to bring an action against royalty for the loss of his
horses' tails; and the Crown Prince haughtily threatens a cross action
to recover damages for a stained uniform, and a scraped spine. This
affair is creating much excitement in Prussia.
THE similarity between Frenchmen and apes has frequently caused
much spirited and amusing controversy. Therefore a raison d~tre exists
for Frenchwomen attempting to earn for themselves a reputed resem-
blance to asses by wearing the ears of dead donkeys as ornaments to
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN.'
S* I'VE. had
So such a
fright I I
burst into a
n e t time I think
f of it, even
'// /now. You
Sir, that I
S/ past endea-
i eke out the
e n shamefully
draw as your sporting correspondent, by doing a little occasionally in
the fortune-telling, lost property finding, star reading, &c., line, and a
pretty comfortable thing in a small way I have been able to make of it.
But not again, Sir, not again. The risk is too great. I've no desire to
meet the fate of the Italian gentleman-another prophet I read of in the
paper the other day-I've no ambition whatever to pass three months in
an empty tub (I think it was) on quarter rations as an individual named
Tozzi and others made him; Tozzi's been caught since, and will be
tried (and serve him right for having a name like a ballet girl), but that
conveys no sort of satisfaction to me, so I've shut off all practice in the
private tip line-people may continue to send stamps if they like and if
they enjoy it, but I shan't send any tips in return. Catch me Hence.
forth I only speak through public tips, and here's one, my
TIP FOR THE SANDOWN GRAND PRIZE.
King Priam and Phantom, though favour you grant 'um,
Are not very likely to win-ly to win ;
And Adanapaar boys, and Fen6lon are boys,
A foolish investment for tin-ment for tin.
And though for Gerona I'll own that I've known a
Desire to intrust it with all, it with all;
Maturer reflection induced the selection
In my estimation to fall-tion to fall.
There's Halmi, there Zeus is, Carronald (the deuce) is
The Duke of the Lowlands as well,-lands as well;
We'll add the Dethronid and then 'twill be owned
There's something among them should tell, them should tell.
But sad the restriction of modern prediction,
It utters too vaguely by far-ly by far ;
Yet still, for a venture,-for praise or for censure-
I think we'll take Master McGrath,-ter McGrath.
MANAGER JENNINGS' show is now one of the most varied in London.
It alternates from levity to sentiment, from twirling acrobatism to soft
musical repose. The shadowgraph entertainment built up by Mason
and Titus is an excellent piece of mechanical and artistic workmanship.
Dolph and Susie, the Levinos, certainly rival each other in art and
music, but both draw equally well. Susie is about the featheriest kickist
of a train over footlights it has ever been our lot to gaze on. Let's hope
she will never singe herself. Mr. C. Godfrey declaims, in his most
unctuous manner, "Oh I what a Happy (or Chappie) Land is England,"
to everybody's delight. The Boisset Troupe illustrate the conventional
wheeze that has cropped up again lately-viz., that music, and intense
love of music, are somehow or other wrapped up with, and akin to, in-
sanity; but the Boisset Troupe exhibit hugely 'cute and amusing sanity
in the way they dexterously depict "melomania." If there is any truth
in the saying, "laugh and grow fat," the Claimant could soon regain his
lost adipose tissue by visiting the Oxford regularly, and watching the
vagaries of the Boisset Troupe. We do not wish to flatter Mr. James
Fawn by asserting that he's as frisky as any young deer on the stage,
but it's the truth nevertheless. Speculators who run up shoddy houses
weep because James still continues to slate jerry builders in stentorian
tones. The "1 panish Ballet," by St. Paul Valentine, ought to be
popular enough in February, and justly is so; but the male owners of
too susceptible hearts (hearts which become upset by the immediate
presence of feminine beauty capering about the stage) sometimes vanish
as the ballet comes on. Perhaps they go and cool themselves down
with iced fluids at the American bar. Who knows? We have no
patience with such warm-hearted individuals ourselves, and never follow
in their footsteps.
FEBRUARY iS, 1885. 'IU NT T. 73
CONVERSATIONS 'FOR THE TIMES.
"B. B. B."
MR. TERRIFIDE SACKSON. A FRIEND.
FRIEND. Hullo, Sackson, old boy; how well you look I If everybody
looked so healthy as-what on earth is the matter? Why do you turn
pale and tremble like the aspen ? Surely I can't have said anything
which could cause you uneasin-?
MR. TERRIFIDE SACKSON. Well-I do wish you hadn't said that
about my looking so healthy; but perhaps you made a mistake about it
-saw me in the wrong light. Just have another look at me-there,
now I-there, I don't look quite so Well now, do I? Don't deceive an
old friend Do-do tell me the real truth I
FRIEND. Well, my dear fellow-there, don't tremble so I-of course,
when you deliberately go and stand in the reflection from that sickly
green wall paper, you can't look quite so healthy'as-where are you off
MR. T. S. Excuse me a moment; I'm just going to run over to the
hatter's and get a hat turned up with sickly green ; just going over to
the chemist's to get a bottle of something deleterious.
FRIEND. Why, my dear fellow, what a fearful change has come over
you since I saw you last week You really look as pale as a ghost.
MR. T. S. No I Do I really ? Do say it again I
FR.TRND. I really can't understand why you should be so delighted.
Oine would think you had so much weak tea, instead of blood in your
veinm, to look at-
MR. T. S. My dear fellow-my true, kind friend; let' me grasp your
consoling hand; let me gaze into your reassuring eye !
FRIE.ND. Oh, certainly, gaze away; but really, if I were you I should
drop in at my physician's, and ask whether the state of my mind was all
right. Meantime, I'm just going to have a bit of lunch, and you might
as well join me. You look for all the world as if you were starving.
MR. T. S. Do I now ? Well, I haven't tasted anything since the day
before yesterday; so I will come and have a snack. Waiter, have you
any bread with a good deal of alum in it ? That's it-and bring me
some vinegar-or stay, some of your best claret--
FRIEND. My dear boy-anybody would think you really wanted to
make yourself ill! You really must see the doctor about the state of
your mind. Why, you're going the way to reduce your blood to such a
MR. T. S. Do you really think I am going the right way to work ?
I'm so glad ; you put heart into a fellow I
FRIEND. You must be insane! Why, do you want to be a miserable
crawling invalid ?
MR. T. S. Certainly-what is that compared to the terrible-the aw-
ful fate that awaits all Britons whose blood is in a proper state? Are
you not aware that the dynamiters are about to avenge Rossa's scratch
with the BEST BRITISH BLOOD? Aha I You turn pale and tremble
FRIEND. Wh-wh-at? Wh-why didn't you tell me before? For
mercy's sake pass me that claret, and give me a drop of that deleterious
stuff you got at the chemist's.
(Left deteriorating their blood.)
Rough on our (R)yle-land.
[The Bishop of Liverpool (Dr. Ryle) lately accused our Government of" fumbling,"
as regards its foreign policy, and went in for warlike heroics in a recent speech.]
BISHOP RYLE accused our Government of "fumbling" t'other day,
And vowed the British nation was fast sinking to decay,
An(he grumbled at our slackness in the war along the Nilus ;
In fact; we grieve to tell you that the reverend Bishop Ryle,
Held forth unto his clergy in so Jingo-like a style
That we had no respect for him, his blatant speech would Ryle-us.
[The fortress of Khartoum was treacherously delivered up to the Mahdi on January
26th, when General Gordon was slain.]
HUSH I let no sound of revelry or song
Be heard in all our busy streets to-day,
For such sad news falls 'mong the surging throng
That sends men slowly pondering on their way.-
Sad news that sends a thrill of crushing pain
To every honest heart throughout the land,-
Khartoum betrayed, and all her braves are slain,
And Gordon falls by the assassin's hand.
Great, valiant Gordon, ever true and brave,
That held this 'leaguered city againstt the foe,
And all that man could do he did to save
The women and their babes from direful woe;
But who can stand against the cunning art,
The cruel dark device, and darker sin
That traitors use, when with a fiendish heart
They ope' the gates and let the foemen in ?
Beloved by all who knew his noble heart,
Or ever felt the warm grasp of his hand,
The loving kindness and the ready part
He took in all good work in every land;
A loving nature, kind as he was brave,
To help the lowly in their poor estate,
He spent his life to free the fettered slave,
And help the suffering to a better fate.
0, grand career, unsullied to its close,
In splendour, yet shall brighter shine, and tell
In glowing numbers how he braved his foes,
And how by treachery, great Gordon fell;
With head bowed down we mourn the good man gone,
But with our sorrow comes a sense of pride,
That, in the midst of foes he stood alone.
Apd died unflinching in the battle tide.
The tale comes like a black cloud o'er the land;
'Tis like a darkening blight that falls at noon,
When men together meet and, wondering stand,
And gaze as though the stricken heart would swoon,-
The flaming sword, the lightning of the spear."
Shone in the place where multitudes were slain,
The air is full of wailing, and we hear,
Mingled with prayer, the shriek of mortal pain. '
ir To CORRESPONDHNTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
74 ]F U 'TJN FEBRUARY s18, 1885.
A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.
(OVERHEARD AT THE SARDANAPALUS THEATRE.)
Mrs. Smith.-" DOES YOUR HUSBAND ALWAYS GO OUT. BETWEEN ACTS?"
Mrs. Brown,-"No, DEAR; BUT HE ALWAYS COMES IN BETWEEN DRINKS,"
The Century and St. Nicholas. There assuredly is enough in these
numbers to delight; they are simply delicious.-Household Words has
both good tales, good talk, and good teaching.-The Leisure Hour,
The Sunday at Home, The Boy's Own Paper, and The Girl's Own
Paper have a standard of excellence that is well maintained.-The
Ladies' Gazette of Fashion always displays the latest novelties in ladies'
dress.-Macmillan's is full of matter of moment-matter to ponder on,
without being ponderous.-Good Words This magazine contains an ex-
cellent aricle by Dr. Charles Grindrod, dealing with "The Caves of Serk."
It is written in an interesting as well as scholarly style.-A cleverly-com-
menced story of strong dramatic interest, called "The Basilisk," has
recently been began in the Topical Times. Keep an eye upon it.-
Parodies. The number before us contains various parodies on "The
Raven of Edgar Allan Poe, by various authors-among others, by the
late Tom Hood, so many years editor of FUN.-2he Manx Note-Book.
"When found, make a note of," this newly-commenced "quarterly
journal of matters past and present, connected with the Isle of Man."
It is the neatest and most unique thing in magazines we have yet seen,
and is a notable-combination of taste and talent.
NEW Music.-" A Dream of Heaven (Playfair and Co., New Bond
Street W.). The words are very pathetic, accompanied by rather too
solemn music of the Lost Chord style, by J. Stuart Crook. We do not
consider the music strikingly original, but the song is agreeable and
likely to be appreciated by many.-" Church Mice," by the same
author, H. L. D'Arcy Jaxone, is very quaint in conception. The music
by Alfred Physick, is decidedly original and pleasing.
"Ariadne Waltz," by May Ostlere (Frederick Pitman, Paternoster
Row), is most charming in composition, full of originality, and well
sustains the popularity May Ostlere obtained through "Hypatia."
"Clytie Waltz," by the same composer, is equally attractive, and will
make an agreeable addition to any one's collection of good waltzes.-
" Maraquita Waltz," by F. E. Fryer, is tuneful, but lacks originality.
-"Twelve Schubert's Songs." This sixpenny book contains the beau-
tiful Serenade and Adieu so well known to lovers of music, be-
sides the other lovely songs.-" Popinjay and Pippin" (Willcocks and
Co., 63 Berners Street); words by W. Sapte, junr.; composed by Karl
Hahn; is remarkably quaint and humorous in feeling.-" Babes Quad-
rille," by W. C. Levey, recalls pleasant reminiscences of Messrs.
Brought, Edouin,and Co.'s amusing impersonations.-"Les Comediens,"
by C. A. Taylor, is dedicated to Mr. L. Brough, and is a charming little
"THE CLEAN BLACK LEAD."--Vide Prss.
FORJAMES Ci adbury's
First-class Medals and
D iplom as. U sed in 1 B l e C A U T IO N .- If
the ROYAL HOUSEHOLD. Cocoa thickens in the
cup, its proves the
BLACKLEADaddition of Starch.
E. JAMES & SONS, Sole Makers, PLYMOUTIE. PURE!! SOLUBLE!! REFRESHINGill
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W Lay, at z53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February x8th, z885.
FEBRUARY 25. 1885. 7
QUEEN (GOD0S F~i
BLESS Lt L
K\ NC 4, -SI--- A
BAKWR G LANCE
VOL. XLI.-NO. IQ33.
76 : TJJT. FEBRUARY 25, I885.
MARY ANN AND THE VENUS OF MILO.
Mistress (to New Housemaid).-" WELL, MARY, WHAT IS IT?"
Mary.-" OH, THIS SCULPCHER, MUM I I HOPE YOU KNOW IT'S
BROKE, MUM. I DIDN'T DO IT. IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE CAT OR
"It was lucky I persuaded the outpost to reserve their fire" (or words to that
effect).-War Correspondent. (And many other little jokes in the same line.)
(FROM FUN'S WAR CORRESPONDENT.)
Topperhat, on the Nile. .
ON going round the zereba this morning I found that the sentries
were not posted as I considered they should be. I therefore requested
Private Jones on duty, 31489, to move his position two hundred yards
further eastward. This opportunity is as good as any other to
say that, whatever may be the gallantry, endurance, and determination
of the British private, his manners are not always polite. I consider the
expression, "Garn out I Oo might you be, orderin' fellers to desert
their posts? as peculiarly out of place under some circumstances.
About midnight it occurred to me that the defences were not disposed
in a manner I quite approvedof. I therefore sounded the reveille for
the purpose of waking the men up to alter the arrangement.
The poor fellows were very tired, having had no sleep for a week, and
had been ordered (only by the general, though; not me) to go to sleep
till sunrise. I am convinced that there is too much roughness
about the British soldier. I am stiff and sore yet. To throw any one
(let alone a Special Correspondent) into the Nile, after tossing him in a
blanket and smearing him with tar and feathers, is going too far I
Next morning-although my soaking had given me a nasty cold, which
made me feel really quite unfit for so great a responsibility as the direc-
tion of a great military expedition in the heart of a savage country-I
proceeded to the general's tent for the purpose of advising him as to his
The Socialist Scheme.
(A LAY FOR LOAFERS.)
[The Daily Telegra67f, referring to the Socialist propaganda recently
put forth at Oxford ironically remarks, When the workers take all-
that is, absorb the two-thirds now 'grasped' by the upper and middle
classes-there will be no necessity for working so hard. Three hours a
day will produce enough for them to live upon; the rest they can devote
to leisure and to learning."]
Ho, crikey I wot a chance exists
To do small work for lots o' wage;
Them bloomin' clever Sosherlists
Intends for to reform the hage.
They're goin' to cut hup all the cash-
Let's share and share alike," ses they;
"If all the graspers' goes to smash,
You'll on'y work three showers a day 1"
How glorious, eh ? 'Ip, 'ip, 'ooray !
We'll on'y toil three bowers a day !
Oh, won't it jest be fine, my lads,
When capitalists 'as to part
With all their lands and all their "brads "?
For Sosherlists will make 'em smart !
Life will be beer and skittles then,
And won't us coves be bloomin' gay?
Jest think I us British working' men
'Ull on'y work three bowers a day I
"What ch'er 1" we say, and "'ip, hooray !"
We'll labour but three bowers a day I
"The other showers we may dewote
To lezzure, and to learning' too,"
That's wot some paper-chap 'as wrote;
And, mind yer, wot he ses is troo.
For in our lezzure we shall learn
How lots more lush to put away,
The same as well-off coves we'll earn
Toilin' but three showers a day I
Yes, lots of pay we'll 'ave, ses they,
And on'y work three bowers a day !
'Ere, 'ark I here's some real working' chaps
A-lookin' on us with disgust;
And saying, "Yus, of course, perr'aps,"
As if they Sosherlists don't trust.
They ses we're ijjuts, mugs, and doops,-
And Sosherlists, they even say,
Is either rogues or nincompoops,
What ses we'll work three bowers a day I!
To loaf," ses they, "is you chaps' lay-
You wouldn't work three showers a day !"
HIGH PRICES.-The Legal "Terms."
Same morning, in hospital. The surgeons, having fully examined me,
are of opinion that no bones are broken, which is little less than a
miracle, as the general's boots are of a-particularly heavy make, and
have clump-soles. It is confidently -expected that I shall be out of
danger in a week; meanwhile, while lying on my hospital pallet, I have
leisure to work out a scheme I have formed for massing the British forces
at a waterless spot in the midst of the hostile tribes, and so drawing on
the Mahdi to surround us and surrender. The thing, however, requires
great care and skill, the scheme being wholly in opposition to that laid
out by Lord Wolseley. It will, therefore, be necessary to lead the
generals commanding the several columns into the belief that the order
comes from the commander-in-chief, or they may refuse to act upon it.
I therefore write despatches purporting to come from him, and send
them secretly by trusted Arab messengers. It is a great responsibility,
and I am fully alive to it; but a full conviction in the ultimate success
of the British arms, through my instrumentality, gives me energy to
carry it through.
Some days later. Somehow (owing, perhaps, to some discrepancy in
the orders given) the British forces have got into a muddle. An ani-
mated discussion is going on among the generals, and such phrases as,
"Who can have had the confounded cheek to--?" Shouldn't wonder
if it's one of those somethingratherforcible correspondent fellows I" are
of frequent occurrence.
My execution is fixed for 3.35 this, afternoon. I am to be blown
from a twelve-pounder. Remember me to my mother, and tell her she
need not send out the two new pairs ordered of Snipper, as they will
not be needed.
FEBRUARY 25, 1885.
THE native king in the Cameroons sealed the German annexation
treaty with red-hot European sealing-wax. His subjects have sealed the
king with red-hot African whacks,
inch of his life for having been guilty
of such an act of folly.
A CONSIDERABLE quantity of
the honeyed eloquence of Austrian
senators has been lost to the world
by the action of the Austrian press.
In consequence of continued and
studied insults offered to parliamen-
tary reporters by government gab-
blers, the Austrian editors refused to
allow any of the speeches of the
Reichstrath deputies either to be re-
ported, or to appear in print. Con-
signed to icy oblivion, the frozen-out
.. deputies writhed and shivered in
their chill obscurity, apologized,
and begged the pressmen to come back again. A different version of
the tale has been told ; but this is the true one.
BY-THE-WAY, non-reporting measures might be adopted by the
British press towards the Irish members of our House of Commons with
THE domestic establishment of the Sultan of Turkey is so large, that
he has had everyone connected with his household photographed, in
order that he may always execute the right retainer who has done wrong.
The likenesses are all placed in a gorgeous album (bound in Russian
leather, of course). A friend, who has just returned from Constan-
tinople, showed us a duplicate set of these interesting pictures. Strange
to say, our old friend Ally Sloper, dressed as a Minister of State, appears
in the collection. The Eminent is depicted tickling several ladies of
the harem by reading his Half-Holiday to them. We hear there is
some mystery about this that Mrs. Sloper is anxious to unravel.
SOME of the American clergymen derive large emoluments by perio-
dically selling the pews in their churches by auction. A strange way,
truly, of making a living; but an improvement on the English clerical
fashion of putting up farmers' hayricks and pigs to the hammer for the
pecuniary benefit of Christian ministers.
THE Chester Board of Guardians in docking the Chester paupers of
their miserably paltry allowance of cheap tobacco and small beer, have
distilled a concentrated essence of skinflintism more powerful than can
usually be scented, even in these days of spirited British cheese-scraping
and stint. While congratulating the Guardians we trust that none
of their relatives may ever "come to the workss"
THE good folk of Bombay have come to the conclusion that Lord
Randolph Churchill is a shy one. Randy Pandy doesn't shy much when
in his tantrums. He kicks and hee-haws.
VEGETARIANS are naturally indignant withthe German chemist who
asserts that their offspring are frequently carrotty-haired and consump-
tive ; and they vow dire vengeance on the French savant who declares
that the mealy-potato diet of Irishmen induces homicidal insanity.
THE edible snail has been dieted from time immemorial in various
ways. He has wallowed in meal boiled in wine, he has subsisted on
bare cabbage leaves, but those members of his species who are fed upon
paper find most favour in the mouths of continental epicures at present.
The paper diet is, of course, varied to suit the tastes of customers ; for
instance, fire-eaters, who are going to wreck "Perfidious Albion,"
prefer their snails fed upon cartridge paper. While elderly men, who
wish for a comfortable doze after dinner, select snails who have been
reared on French comic papers. And Irish-American assassins who
are sheltered by la belle France invariably consume slimy snails reared
on paper dipped in nitro-glycerine.
A CREDULOUS youth, who believed firmly in the professional asser-
tions of medical men, recently; read Dr. Brunton's statement that "a
glass of cold water, slowly sipped, will stimulate the heart as much as,
or more than, a glass of brandy swallowed at a draught." Having
thought over the matter seriously, the credulous youth assumed a sweet,
sad smile, called on the only girl he'd ever loved, asked for a glass of
cold water, and took exactly one silent hour in consuming it. He then
popped the question in jerky, soft, tremulous words, and was refused I
He has since taken to brandy, and shudders at the sight of water.
AHEM-" DIGNITY" I
["The United States and the Dynamiters.-The Foreign Affairs Committee of the
United States House of Representatives has decided to report that it would be unbe-
coming the dignity of the House to assume that Americans were connected with the
recent dynamite explosions, where no charges have been made. The Committee are
alsI unwilling to request the officers of the Government to search for proof of the
guilt of Americans in the absence of any such charge "-News.]
THE Foreign Affairs Committee of the United States House of Repre-
sentatives (hereinafter called and described as the F. A. C. U. S. H. R.)
was very pleased with itself.
It was not simply the triumphant decision it had come to that tickled
its self admiration; it was principally the new word it had found and
introduced into its decision, "Dignity."
It had found the word by chance when looking over the dictionary for
something else; it did not feel quite sure of the meaning of the expres-
sion, but it sounded so well under the circumstances.
And yet, that morning before it had started off to deliberate on that
British dynamite nonsense it had not been in half such a good temper.
It had been put out by those little annoyances, trifling in themselves,
which do.so much to sour the temper. This little worrybad occurred at
its lodgings : at an unearthly hour of the morning it had been roused
from its placid sleep by a hammering and tapping over its head. There-
upon it had rung the bell violently and asked the landlady, What on
earth is this confounded tapping over my head?" "Why, sir," the
landlady had said, "It's the topback, Mr. O'Rafferty, making infernal
machines for England, and he 'opes you won't mind, and sends his com-
Of course the F. A. C. U. S. H. R. could not say anything more
about the noise after this polite message. Besides," it had decided,
"it would be unbecoming my dignity to keep my ears open," and it had
stopped them with cotton wool.
But presently it rang again and said, What's that awful stench ?"
"Why, sir; it's -Mr. O'Rafferty, sir, a-making dynamite for London ;
and 'opes you won't mind the smell, sir, as he won't be long, and 'ere's
his card, sir."
The F. A. C. U. S. H. R. had nodded forgivingly, and read the card
so politely sent; it ran, "Jeremiah O'Rafferty, from Ireland, American
Then the F. A. C. had decided that it would be unbecoming its dig-
nity to use its sense of smell, and put a letter-clip on its dignified nose.
Then some of the nitro-glycerine stuff had somehow got in its coffee,
and nearly made it sick ; whereupon it hai decided that it would be be-
neath its dignity to use its sense of taste, and put a cake of gutta-percha
over its palate. Then it had trodden on a detonator and had a great
shock, and finally barked its shins against a mysterious brown American
trunk, labelled, "Dynamite, London." So that it had finally decided
that it would be unbecoming its dignity to use any of its senses; and off
it had gone~thereupon to delibe-
rate upon the British nonsense.
However, as we have seen, it
came to the conclusion that it
was all nonsense, and then went
back to its lodgings considerably
pleased with itself.
But the first thing it noticed
was an infernal machine on the
stairs, labelled, "For use in
The F. A. C. U. S. H. R.'s
breast swelled with indignation.
Here was a common enemy of Ill
society-a reckless criminal and I
desperado of the most diabolical Ittl
type, deliberately planning the
most revolting crimes against
humanity- against defenceless
women and children, and that
in the very centre of civilization
-New York 1 That Foreign /
Affairs Committee instantly re-
solved itself into a Home
Affairs Committee, and didn't
take long to deliberate either.
It was in about three seconds
-or say two and a bit-that it
"Decided to report that it was
the duty of the house to take in- _-....
stant and most energetic steps
to crush out the demoniac plots
being hatched under its very nose I these plots being obtrusively obvious
and impossible to be ignored except by the wilfully blind, deaf, and
Somehow the cotton-wool, letter-clip, and gutta-percha had dropped
off, and goodness knows what had become of the DIGNITY.
78 'TJn FEBRUARY 25, 1885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HE PRINCESS'S. Last
Saturday morning saw the
final appearance, "for the
present," of the youthful
Prince Hamlet at this
theatre. Well, it was a
W decidedly thoughtful, intel-
M ligent, independent per-
III, A" No formance, and certain to
r.oU\ \M take a prominent place in
/ history. The cast gene-
Srally have achieved no
Str -- '' startling results, however.
On the hundredth perform-
ance of the piece here the
\defects were even more
IP \' apparent than at first.
anything be more colour-
less? The Player King,
GAIETY (Mrning).-" LONDON ASSURANCE!" and Queen-my! what a
ranting, sing-song crew
the troupe must have been if these were their best actors Mr. Barrett's
performance retained its interest, and Miss Eastlake's Opheliahas mellowed
into as consistent and thoughtful, as well as effective, a rendering of the
part as the later stage has seen. Mr. Willard seemed easier, too, but
his Claudius was a curious mixture of superexcellence and commonplace,
which I suppose is super "-excellence also. Mr. Barrett was very
hoarse that night, but the audience would have a speech, although he
tried to pacify them by showig them Miss Eastlake in her "going
home clothes. Some one threw him a floral wreath, but I suppose he
regarded it as an immortelle for the deceased Hamlet, for he appeared
to have too much respect for it to interfere with it. The King and Queen
appeared to have renewed their robes, but some of the pages gave evidence
about the knees of a practise of over-loyalty. To-morrow (night, which
sees the initial performance of 7unius, is big with more fate.
THE PRINCE's.-Except for the principal part in which Mrs. Langtry
was, on the first night at least, both nervous and inadequate, the per-
formance of The School for Scandal here is one of high character. Mr.
Beerbohm Tree's Joseph Surface is particularly noteworthy. He is very
different from the Joseph we have been accustomed to, and, to my mind,
a very much more probable individual; Mrs. Langtry shows some
pleasing qualities in the lighter scenes of Lady Teazle (although there is
evidently far greater interest excited by her dresses than her acting), and
other parts are in the hands of such established favourites as Messrs.
Coghlan, Farren, and Everill, and Mrs. Arthur Stirling. An unintelli-
gent elaborateness in the scenery is both an absurdity and the cause of a
serious waste of time.
NODS AND WINKS.-Saints and Sinners scored its hundred and
fiftieth performance on Saturday at the Vaudeville, and on the same eve-
ning The Denhams (late The Crisis) put in its first appearance at the
w hi c h -R,,YOu MA -AVE THIS BACK ,/ oor' ff
more a- W ,O BLOOI-N vIEs cC.P
non.-To. P\EAS -i I I
(Tuesday).- T HUNCHBACK."
Gaiety, where Miss Helen Barry will make her reappearance on they
stage:as Lady Gay Spanker in London Assurance, and the other at thenderson
resents, where Messrs. Mackay and Roberts' Peggy will be played
herself in (ne Lawler) in her original (the chief) part.-Miss Jennie
Saturda-y at the Strand, appearing in the perennial, not to say "hack-
sketch of the thrt the
Vaudeville, where Messrs. Mackay and Roberts' Peggy will be played
with Mrs. Moon (nrie Lawler) in her original (the chief) part.-MissJennie
Lee will make her first appearance since her return from Australia on
Saturday at the Strand, appearing in the perennial, not to say "hack-
neyed," %o-a piece of acting, however, which will bear repetition.
Our Boys; or, Chips of the Old Block.
OUR kith and kin beyond the sea
Have sent us in our hour of need
A message full of amity,
To prove that our Colonial tree
Grows fast and strong indeed.
Though other skies are o'er them set,
And though in distant fields they roam,
Their birth-land they do not forget,
But hold a kind remembrance yet
Of their "old folks at home."
And when, as tidings reach their shore,
The Mother-Country seems waylaid
By troubles wide and perils sore,
They gird them ready for the war
And proffer timely aid.
Bravo, brave boys I We rightly stand
Thus knit together firm as rock;
And England still will wield command,
So she receives a helping hand
From Chips of the Old Block.
ONE PRECAUTION LEFT OUT!
It is said that several thousand stands of rifles and several tons of ammunition
have been shipped by a vessel, which sails from Swansea, at a French port; and that
they have been landed at a spot convenient for transport to the Mahdi."-Newsaper.
I" More than probable; not the first news of that kind by a long way !"-FUN.]
WE must exercise the greatest care in the choice of generals," said
Britain's Rulers-(any rulers; all alike in this respect)-" we must
choose men of incessant vigilance and unflagging energy; men who will,
by minute and endless precautions, prevent the enemy receiving supplies
of munitions of war from any quarter. Everything depends on the
enemy getting no munition of war; the lives of hundreds of our soldiers
hang on it. We must choose a general who vividly realizes this."
And after very great care those Rulers selected a general likely to
exercise the desired vigilance. Then they proceeded to instruct him
very minutely on many little points he might forget.
"Now, do be careful to cut him off from supplies," they said,
anxiously. "Spread cordons round him; watch him night and day;
intercept his messengers ;capture his convoys. Mind you undergo the
most fearful hardships in forced marches across deserts to prevent his
getting anything. Don't go to sleep for an instant. Don't wink your
eye, even if dust gets in it. Mind, we shall hold you responsible if the
enemy obtain cartridges and killsand kills our men with them I" *
There, now y" they said; you have let the enemy get a new supply
of cartridges I You must have neglected some minute precaution or
other Ah I-' slipped your memory when you were wounded, and
harassed, and half-starved, and too busy' ? Then you must be tried by
court-martial for neglect of duty."
But just at that moment the general was killed, together with some
hundreds of his men, by those very cartridges.
So he set to inquiring about those same cartridges, and it turned out
that they had been manufactured at Birmingham, and sent out to the
enemy by an English firm, and carried by the vessel of another English
firm. So he went looking about in all the condemned cells.
"What are you looking for ?" asked our Rulers.
"For the English firms who provided the enemy with cartridges."
"What? They're not in there," said our Rulers.
Then he peered about at Dartmoor-Portland-Spike Island.
"They're not there either," said our Powers-that-Be.
Then he looked about in society and among the knighthood-and
there were those firms I
British Traders may do as they like-punishment only exists for their
soldier-countrymen whom they betray.and indirectly murder," explained
It Shan't oc-Kerr Again!
MR. COMMISSIONER KERR recently remarked that he had lately dis-
covered that "it is dangerous to let a woman open her mouth in court,
for when she does, she goes on for a week." This Kerr-sory remark will,
we fear, soon Kerr-tail the adoration with which the learned Commissioner
is regarded by the ladies. We trust we shall not have to re-Kerr to it
AFTER all, the surprisingly successful Healtheries Show has only
yielded a profit of 9,oo000. Some consolation may be derived by learn-
ing that this sum total does not include the gains accumulated by the
sale of American drinks.
FEBRUARY 25. 1885 FU N 79
"NOT IN MY NAME!"
(DEDICATED BY THE REAL UNEMPLOYED WORKMAN TO THE EMBANKMENT SOCIALIST.)
FEBRUARY 25, 1885.
MORE INJUSTICE I
"At a meeting of Irishmen in Manchester, Mr. Byrne said he bad read that, because several persons had knocked about a few bricks in London, and so disturbed
the hearts of many Englishmen who deserved it long ago, 5,000 Irish people had been thrown out of employment. Was that justice ? (A voice, 'English justice ")
i A1l.l5 h -:S
An English employer kept a Sense of Justice and always consulted it. "The Irishman is sending his money to Rossa," said the em.loyer. "Raise
"Here are twa hungry men asking me for work-an Englishman and an Irishman. his wages," replied the Sense of Justice.
Which ought I to help ?" "The Irishman, of course," said his Sense of Justice.
c, Fl mnriF
" He's thrown my baby out of window," said the employer. "Adopt his child instead, and leave all your money to it," said the Sense of Justice.
At Ih ngth the Irishman's friends came and blew up that Employer for his injustice. His Sense of Justice must have been wrecked in the explosion, for what do
you think that base, cruel employer did? He actually packed the poor Irishman in a boat, and shoved him off with the remark "Your company is very pleasant; I
won't rob America of it any longer; they'll understand you better over there." Was that justice? English justice
F : TU N .-FEBRUARY 25, 1885.
OUR BOYS; OR CHIPS, OF THE OLD BLOCK.-
A DUTCHMAN'S ROAD TO PARADISE.
,I -- I ho0
I i of
I wa"t yo.san,
ft I b str
He held the Prior, and said, Look here I
At once, before it is too late."
Replied the Prior, "Let go your clutch,
Already you've confess'd too much."
In vain he argued for reprieve,
Still clung the drunkard to his sleeve,
Declaring he'd confession make;
So, as he'd no refusal take,
The Prior, doing as he could,
Let him confess just what he would.
But when he thought his trouble done,
He found it had but then begun;
The reeling sot now wished to know
Whether 'twas sure his soul would go
To Paradise, from
sin and wife,
If then and there \
he closed his life ?
Not knowing what
else he could say
To send the donkey
on his way, "
The Prior bade him
have no doubt;
When, lo he drew
his cutlass out,
And told the priest, bC"
now pale with
To lop off instantly
Thus driven to his
bare wit's end,
And finding reason
did not lend
The least assistance
in his strait,
He closed the empty
By saying he felt
At t'other's wish for
against his rule,
He'd kindly satisfy the fool
If he would let his brawny hands,
FEBRUARY 25, 1885.
Be fix'd behind his back with bands;
Then kneeling, bow his head, and so
Receive the soul-releasing blow.
With hands tied tightly with his belt.
The drunken Dutchman blinking knelt;
Then rapping his bemuddled head,
The Prior told him he was dead;
Whereat he sunk down in a heap,
And soon was snoring fast asleep.
The Prior then, as close of day
Was drawing near, went on his way,
Leaving the drunkard from his dreams
To be awaken'd by the beams
Of next day's smiling morning sun,
His earthly course not yet quite run
But ere he had been sleeping long
Some friends, with tipsy shout and song,
Came up and tried to make him rise.
In vain ; and, to their great surprise,
He cried, Confound you !-can't you see
I'm dead ? Get out, and let me be "
He would not stand, he would not wake,
He would nor help nor counsel take;
For all they tried to humour him
He cried still in his drunken whim-
Be off; that's all you've got to do;
I'm dead-in Paradise-go to I"
At last they took him from the road,
And carried him to his abode;
Which reached, they sat him by his door,
And laughing, left him, very sure
His nasal trumpetings full well
His nearness to his wife would tell.
Two days he slept, and then awoke;
But not a syllable he spoke
About the lopping of his head
And his belief that he was dead,
Although he was-where some who roam
Have found their Paradise-at home.
Wonders Will Never Cease.
OF a truth this is an age of discovery. Scientific inventions without
number have been brought to light within the last few years, but by far
the most wonderful find of the century, has been the discovery at Berwick
on Tweed of a real live Conservative working man. There can be no
doubt about his existence, for he spoke at the Berwick Corn
Exchange. It is to be hoped that such a rarity will not be lost sight of,
and we hope some enterprising entertainer will put him in his right place,
which is the Museum of Curiosities."
No Cause for Railing.
WITH regard to the new railings that are being put up on the Picca-
dilly side of the Green Park, it is stated that the most aristocratic
part of Piccadilly will face a handsome grille." In that case, these
railings ought to be first chop and no mis-steak.
FEBRUARY 25, 1885.
"PAY ALL ROUND."
[Mr. Chamberlain has suggested that men who own property must pay "ransom" to those who do not. It is a pretty theory, and will work best all round -Daily' Pacr..l
'" Got a situation, 'ave yer? Well, I "Got no money at all; yer got good Burglar.-" I ain't come Boys.-" Got no coppers; well, yer'll
ain't, so just 'and over yer ransom-a looks, begorra !, so you'll 'ave ter pay to burgle: I only wants pay all the same. Yer've got more'n we
week's wages." yer ransom." compensation, gov'nor, 'cos 'ave ; yer've got a cast in yer eye."
I ain't a-going to."
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
"Too strong-more water," said Mr. Blunderberry, holding out his
cup without raising his eyes from the newspaper.
"Oh !" cried his better half, springing suddenly to her feet, over-
turning her chair, and startling her lord, who spilt half his coffee into
Bless the woman!" he cried, impatiently, what is she oh-ing
"That's it, Solomon-it ought to have been paid this ever so long !"
"What ought to have been paid-that respect you owe me as a lord
of the creation ? that deference which is my due as your husband, Mrs.
Wherever can I have put it," continued Mrs. Blunderberry, turning
the china ornaments on the mantelpiece topsy-turvy, and shaking them
before instituting a rigid search in the coal-scuttle.
"If by 'it' you mean your common sense, you probably pawned it
and sold the ticket; if you allude to the rag you call your intelligence,
I should say you sent it to the wash, where it got lost; if you refer to
your understanding, I should surmise it went astray years ago, and has
never been heard of since."
"Oh, don't, Solomon-it's most important."
"If it's most important I should don't, I won't," chuckled Mr.
"But, Solomon, we're going to be cut off!"
"Oh, that's what's going to happen to the flower of our youth, is it?
What put it in your head that we were a foraging party in the Soudan
surrounded by Arabs? Who informed you we were collectively the
tails of three blind mice ? Where's the shilling we are to be cut off
with? Produce the insignificant but always welcome coin."
"It's a great deal more than a shilling, Solomon. Don't I keep
telling you it's the water-rate, and it's ever so many pounds."
You've got a fine idea of hydraulics, Mrs. Blunderberry. How
many pounds do you suppose that slender stream which occasionally
trickles into our cistern can lift out of my pocket ? Water rate? Pounds ?
It's shameful-it's iniquitous--it's an imposition I I'll-I'll-drink no-
thing but spirits-I'll write to the papers-I'll dig a well-I'll never
wash-I'll-Great Niagara Where's the Air Tax I How much am I
to pay a quarter for breathing?"
Yes, dear, it is a shame, but I don't know how we can get on if
we're cut off."
Get on, ma'am ? Why, a cartload of pebbles and a boy fishing will
fix you up complete as a babbling brook. Pounds I Water rate 1 Let
them cut us off. I defy them-cormorants I We'll have our water in
by the quarter from the public h6use."
"Perhaps they'll give us time," said Mrs. Blunderberry, timidly.
"Time I And who told you that time was a substitute for water ?
What put it in your head that whisky could be diluted with an eight-day
clock ? Suppose you think you can wash your hands in three minutes,
don't you? What other brilliant suggestion have you to make? "
"You might remonstrate, Solomon." -
Remonstrate! A lot of good that would do I Remonstrate with a
pack of dunderhead officials bathing in the sea of affluence on the hard-
earned money wrung from a suffering but powerless public. Remon-
"Oh, Solomon," cried Mrs. Blunderberry, with tears in her eyes.
" When Aunt Sophy left me that sixteenth of a New River Share I
never thought of the evil I was doing by taking it."
Ahem I coughed Mr. Blunderberry, that's quite a different matter.
The sixteenth of a New River Share is all very well in its way. I don't
think you were to blame for accepting it. No; as far as that goes I am
inclined to exonerate you. A New River Share is a New River Share,
but," and Mr. Blunderberry flourished the bread-knife, "as for these
rascally impostors who send in a ridiculous claim of pounds for water
rate-let me see the man who threatens to cut us off,-let me get at
him, I'll cut him off!"
"Oh, Solomon, dear, don't-don't be violent," pleaded his better
half, "calm yourself, do. Here he is coming in at the garden gate."
"Oh," said Mr. Blunderberry, suddenly subsiding, "perhaps I'd
better speak to him," and the master of the house, putting on his hat,
went out at the front door, while his wife, her hands clasped in a speech-
less agony of terror, watched for the impending conflict from behind the
Why, he's paying him I" exclaimed the good lady with a sigh of re-
lief. "I could have done that if he had given me the money, and then
he wouldn't have missed his omnibus."
An He-ratio Verse.
OF male and female rats, so sly,
In England we may shoals espy;
Yes, we have many a gay and free rat.
The male and female both perplex-
We have no preference as to sex;
But Russia, some say, wants a He-rat.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-Just a few remarks this week, and no tip. I'm keeping my eye
on the Lincolnshire Handicap, though that's a long way off yet. I
ought to have said, by the way, that I've been making inquiries about
that gold enamelled breast-pin which I sent you, and you never received.
I've been making inquiries ever since I heard you didn't get it, but
nobody seems to have seen such a thing anywhere,* though I ask every-
body I meet. Well, well, it'll turn up somewhere, I suppose; though,
if it doesn't, you can easily buy yourself one exactly like it, and say I
gave it to you. But about the Lincolnshire-I have some sort of feeling
that I don't quite know what to make of Drakensberg, and I wouldn't
advise anybody to trifle with him; but don't forget that St. Blaise,
Lucerne, The Duke of Richmond, and such like, are in the field; in
fact, before going deeply into business, the very best thing you can do
is to wait for the tip of Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
We don't think they have: and in this they" we feel safe in including our
humbugging Old Prophet himself.-[ED. FUN.]
84 *F UT-N FEBRUARY 25, 1885.
TO THE EDITOR.
HE papers say, DEAR
SIR, I trace
(And fellows tell
me at the Club),
That Mrs. Weldon's
T/ lost a case,
S And Miss Mackay
S has found a
iI'd like to make a
But don't know
/how, upon my
Or ought I to con-
dole with both?
These ladies both are blest, I hear,
With ample store of worldly goods,
But how their bosoms it must cheer
To hear the news of Highgate Woods.
Although their gentle hearts are sore
At other news, I wis, and that's
That poor mistaken Countess Torre
Has gone to quod for keeping cats.
But proud of our Australian sons,
They feel, no doubt, and praise their grit;
Who give us help with men and guns,
And generously pay for it I
"Advance, Australia I" reads the flag
Which flutters proudly in the breeze-
And sure that land has right'to brag
Which makes "advances" su:h as these.
And turning next to politics,
Now England's Parliament is met,
Their fair attention they will fix
On changes in the Cabinet.
And they will note what sad distress
The Press Reporting Rules impart,
And how the mighty British Press
Were cut unto the noble heart.
They might (although compelled to fly
And bear of P'licemen's staves the brun')
In merry Tipperary try
To make a row and stop the hunt;
But surely no such gentle dames
Would ship the Prince of Wales aboard,
To forward dynamiters games
And earn a pitiful reward.
Ah, sir I though sadness fills the soul,
And frightful colds may force the sneeze,
Men yet might find, upon the whole,
Some lands more unemployed than these ;
For though the Mersey Tunnel's through,
And soon will be in use, it's said,
The truth for aye is always true-
Yours very truly,
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
A JUSTLY-PROUD BRITON. AN UNINFORMED STRANGER.
A NURSEMAID (Mula Persona).
UNINFORMED STRANGER. Yes; and which did you say were the
Great Powers ? Let me see : Germany, Italy, Russia, Fran-
JUSTLY-PROUD BRITON. Wait a bit-hold on You've left out the
chief of them. This is it: Great Britain, Germany, Russia-
UN. STR. Oh, I see. Great Britain-
J. P. BRIT. That's it; only you must pause after Great Britain, to
indicate her vast superiority over the others.
UN. STR. Oh I Great Britain, bar's rest; Germany, Russia, Italy, the
Mahdi, the Boers--
J. P. BRIT. Good gracious 1 Stop I They're not great powers;
they're not powers at all. They're only-you can twist them round
your little finger. They've no resources, don't you see ? Couldn't cope
for an instant with-with--
UN. STR. Oh, I see; with Great Britain, for instance?
J. P. BRIT. Eh? Oh, of course n-that is-let's talk about some-
-thing else. I'll tell you about Britain's resources. First, there's the--
UN. STE. Yes, the navy. I should like to hear about that above all
J. P. BRIT. Ah, yes? Have a drink ? I laid down this claret ninety-
nine years ago, and it would bear another--
UN. STR. But the navy and the army?
J. P. BRIT. Oh, yes; finest army in the world-one hundred thou-
sand regulars, two hundred thousand volunteers, three hundred thousand
UN. STR. Yes, I've heard speak of them. Where can one see some
of them parading ? I have a great desire to have a peep at the British
soldier. Let's go down to Aldershot, now, and see them in their thou-
sands. What are you turning pale about ?
J. P. BRIT. Eh? Oh I Aldershot ? Why, the fact is they've moved
'em from Aldershot because-that is-housemaid said she couldn't have
a thorough clean-up with 'em all there in the way; so they've been sent
off to another camp.
U. STR. Oh, very well; that doesn't make any difference. Let's go
off to the other camp.
J. P. BRIT. Oh, "go to the other camp"? Oh, we couldn't pos-
sibly get there-not just now. It's right up in the extreme north of
Scotland-west of Ireland-right in the heart of the Essex Marshes-
beyond that. Wholly inaccessible to the foot of man at this time of the
year, when the weather's so-so mild-that is to say, I mean-take
another glass. I assure you this claret was laid down more than--
U. STR. -Well, let's go and see a company or two. There's Brompton
J. P. BRIT. Oh, well, you see; all the men happen'to be at dinner-
in bed-out on furlough-under arrest-just at present. It's directly
against rules to disturb-that is, wake-I. mean go out and find 'em.
Besides, Brompton Barracks are pulled down-blown up.
U. STR. Well, can't I see one specimen?
J. P. BRIT. (aside to nursemaid). Can't you find-do go into the Park
and try to-just one-any arm. Eh ? Been trying all the week ? "
(Aloud.) Fact is, I'm told they're all-all on sick leave-all in bed,
waiting for the new clothes to be served out. Oh, look here ; I feel I
can't deceive you any longer. The truth is, we have a great war on,
and the whole British regular army is away.
U. STR. Ah I fighting one of the Great Powers !
J. P. BRIT. Ye-es; that is, not one of the greatest-not exactly one
of the small-in fact, one of the smaller-in fact, the Mahdi.
U. STR. What? The whole hundred thousand?
J. P. BRIT.-Ye-es; that is, not exactly a hundred thousand-in
fact, something under ninety-five thousand-in fact, ten thousand, or
rather over; say, ten thousand and nine. I can assure you that this
claret, so far from losing body, has actually put on flesh, and-&c., &c.
FEBRUARY 25, 1885. 85
[The most attractive show at the Japaneseries-at least for the lady
visitors-is the hairdresser's shop ; and the first result of the visit of this
little colony is a development in the fashion of tonsorial art. Already I
have noticed half-a-dozen ladies with heads trimmed a la Japanese ; and
now I am assured, on the best authority, that artists in hair are on their
way from Japan, under engagement with two of our best-known fashion-
able West-End hairdressers.]
All the salt, all the spice,
Was deserting the ranks
Which alone are called "nice;"
They had grown flat and tame
In garb, manners, and air,
When, to rouse them, you came
And at once pulled their hair.
Oh that hair which they fringed,
Which they knotted and noosed,
Which they scented and singed,
And imprisoned and loosed;
It is, if not improved,
This is clear as the day,
'Twill at least be removed
Out of harm-and arm's way.
Screwed in tufts taut and tight
(Mere men's shallow brains reel
To conceive with affright
How that tightness must feel 1);
Screwed and pinned by sticks fast,
The new hair to our sex
Will exhibit at last
Half our better halves' necks !
And reforms, let us hope,
Which at top-knots begin,
May, extending their scope,
Soon descend to the shin;
May impose sandals shaped
To make feet less like stumps,
And design dresses draped
Without care of-humph !-humps.
Then, when fairly Japanned
From the heel to the head,
This thrice fortunate land
May go safely to bed;
For Japanning, they say,
Who deign talk to the bard,
Makes a State-like a tray-
Polished-tris-and trds hard I
Young Lady.-" I WANTED SOME VIOLETS, BUT I SEE YOU HAVE
Flower Vendor.-" BUT I'VE SOME RALE LOVELY CAMELLIAS, LADY,
ALMOST AS PINK AS YOUR OWN PRETTY CHEEKS; AND WHAT ARE YE
AFTER WANTING VIOLETS FOR, WHEN YOUR EYES ARE FULL OF THIM ?'"
[Does a deal.
The Doughty Duke.
[The ist Battalion of the Coldstream Guards, and the 2nd Battalion of Scots Guards,
whoare under orders for the Soudan, were to have been inspected on the x7th inst. by
the Duke of Cambridge; but his Highness postponed the inspection on account of the
wet weather.-See Daily Pafe, s.]
A STORY I'd tell unto thee,
A story beyond all belief,
Of the great Duke of Cambridge, K.G., K.C.B.,
Our army's Commander-in-Chief.
He arranged to inspect certain Guards
(Whose need for the war we regret),
But (his bravery's worthy the notice of bards)
He wouldn't-because of the wet I
Then hurrah for the great Duke of Cambridge, K.G.,
Of his courage we well may be vain;
He'd arranged to inspect our brave Guards-but not lie,
Because it was pouring with rain I
These battalions of Coldstreams and Scots,
Who for England would lay down their lives,
Were prepared for inspection, and Britons in lots
Came up with their children and wives.
There were present both peasants and peers,
All eager, good places to get;
And they hailed our brave soldiers with true British cheers,
These stupids flinched not at the wet.
But wise was the great Duke of Cambridge, K.G.,
Temptation's fell wiles to disdain;
He wasn't so rash as the Guards and B. P.,
For he saw it was pouring with rain I
And some in St. James's gay Park,
Who had come that inspection to view,
Indu'ged in full many a jeering remark
When his Highness's fiat they knew.
And, I grieve to say, many there groaned,
Which prove them an ill-mannered set,
When the Duke sent down orders to have it postponed,
Till a day when it wouldn't be wet!
No goloshes nor gamp had George Ranger," K.G.,
And so wouldd have been most insane
Had he risked his poor feet and cocked hat, don't you see,
In a nasty wet shower of rain !
His gamp he had probably lent,
And it hadn't perhaps, been returned;
And so he most wisely postponed that event,
Although to be present he yearned.
Yea, though in the Soudan we need
All the brave British troops we can get,
To inspect them he wouldn't till next day procee 1,
In case he should melt in the wet !
Then our valiant Commander-in-Chief, you'll agree,
England's glory is fit to sustain;
Our troops may face showers, and death too, maybe,
But the Chief shouldn't face any rain I
THAT solid magazine, Iron, tells us that gas-tar is a splendid preser-
vative of health. At first we thought our ferruginous contemporary was
speaking Iron-ically ; its statement seemed so gas-(s)tar-tling.
"W To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Edi'or does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
FEMALE COMMERCIAL TRAVELLERS.
[The latest development of the "Woman's Rights" crusade is that women are to become commercial travellers.-Daily Pafer.]
____ 1,11" fla o :'
i. A successful Town Traveller. 2. '1 he Tricyclist. 3. '"Can't get a line anywhere." 4. Return of the Traveller to the Blsom of her Family.
5. "Nice girl that. Art Student I should think. Will follow her." 6. A Rival!!! 7. Male Commercial-"Here, guard, what's the meaning of this
Can't get a seat anywhere-the train's full of women."
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK-TOWER.
(EXPRESS-PARLIAMENTARY.) [It is said that the ladie
clination to matrimony !]
Ding, ding, ding, DONG The clang commences. On February 19th SoME ladies o
the game of Ins and Outs is resumed. In the Lords, passage of arms Are, strange
between Granville and Salisbury, preliminary to grand encounter. The The thought
venerable Hubbard, one of the first to arrive in the Commons-Hubbard And heneoug
has a bone to pick with the Government. Sir Stafford gives notice to Yea, though
move Vote of Censure. Wish dynamiters would give notice before they There's one U
moved the house. Gladstone announces intention to retake Khartoum,
but will leave Wolseley to decide whether now, or after hot season.
Anyway, Mahdi will find theseason sultry when Wolseleybegins. General
chatter. [It is said that Sir R. Crc
and pronounce him to be
All-" Fly"-Fishermen. THE Tor
THE fly-fishers of London have lately started a club. We trust the And v
undertaking will not go in for ex-stream measures, and thus prove fishy. Some say
But there, the members are of a different cast" to that, and far too Conserva
" fly to let their usefulness a-bait, for they have never been a highty- Consider
fly-ty lot. But ea
..on.a.int Ca dbury's
in the treat.
Invaluable in facial Neuralgia. 11as Coatic n.-inthe
proved effective in all those cases in which we cup, its prove the
have prescribed it."-Medical Press. addition of Starch.
21/9,,4/6, and II/-. Of all Chemists. PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!!
A Hated State.
s of some towns in America are evincing a growing disin-
if the great United States
e to say, rebelling against marriage,
of matrimony on them grates,
the wiles of Hymen they disparage.
Americans, it must be contest
united State that they detest.
A. late Liberal Ally.
oss and other Conservatives pat Mr. Goschen on the back
ies now pat Goschen on the back,
ow that he a person of great weight is,
he'll lead the Liberals, but, alack,
tives are now on Goschen's track,
ing him a real jam Tory crack,"
rnest Liberals say of him "jam satis."
MARCH 4,1885. FII r. 87
^*^I'4",^^ A, N' D ., '
p P, L
BITES FOR BLUE RIBBONITES.
VOL. XLL-NO. 1034,
or VARIOUS SOR T S:
88 MARCH 4, z885.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
Felt and ex-
pressed as to
out to be, and
/ much satis-
S tended the
THE GRAND.-A GROODGn AGAINST HIM. was every-
ten fifteen I
Of course, what Mr. Whistler gave us, and for the whole hour of its
existence amused and interested us with, was a lecture on art. This
said lecture was a curious mixture of truism and ill-digested opinion,
shrewdness, genuine epigram, and carefully built up jocularities that
wouldn't bear critical examination; but it was funny and audacious, and
we laughed, and so it passes. The speaker delivered himself in a sort
of rhythmic nasality not unlike the method of some clerical gentlemen in
the discharge of their functions, which circumstance induced many
people to believe themselves out of earshot, and give forth cries com-
plainingly-one gentleman was much cut up by this, muttering, Oh,
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy I to himself several times and with great pathos.
Mr. Whistler said among other things, "Nature contains all colours"
(which is true), he also said, "the keyboard contains all music," which
isn't? he seems to prefer London in a fog to what he calls a "foolish
sunset." "Alliteration's artful aid" served him well, and he gave nice
little vicious slaps all round at critics, students, artists, &c. He men-
tioned casually that critics examine only the subject and not the execu-
tion of a painting, whereas in his own case execution is all he gives us a
chance of examining-and we quarrel with that I He also laid great
stress upon "the aim of the artist,"-was this in any way an allusion
to Mr. Ruskin's sometime charge of the great nocturnist's having flung
a paint-pot in the face of the public ? "
THE COURT.-There are some points about the French drama which
we English can never wholly yearn over. We do not love our mothers
(theoretically at anyrate), with the fervour that distinguishes our lively
neighbours, nor do we take an altogether absorbing interest in its psy-
chology of illicit affection. We like a play to be hearty, and sound, and
English, "racy of the soil," full of character, life, and interest-and-
and-all that! But where is that play? Until the managers come
across it, perhaps they are not altogether to blame in producing what
they can get. The Court management have shown a predeliction in the
French direction lately, which I, for one, hope will not last. They have
tried the fine native article pretty assiduously before giving up though.
The Denhams-previously The Crisis, originally Les Fourchambaults-
is the latest
cedhere, and 1 .l' I
ifactingcould a y
make a play,
thernmofthis h w. T s
is assured. r
I'm afraid, / P-,/
acting does ///9
not make a
play. Mrs. ,
John Wood, "
cical to an
extent no in-
or one less a
could ven- THE COURT.-THE TRUE NG.
ture with im- TH COUR.-THE TRUE RING.
punity, is a
triumph of comicality; and the delicate beauty of Miss Foote's style is
as delightful here as always. The scene between Mr. Clayton and this lady
in the last act is as finished and powerful a bit of acting as one need wish.
Mr. Conway is earnest but stiff, and Mr. Cecil, in a part which it says
much for his modesty that he appears in, is only faulty in some rather
stupid business with a hat. Miss Marion Terry, with a chance for once
in a while to show a welcome lightness, is charming. Miss Norreys fills
up the tale very prettily.
THE LYCEUM.-Miss Mary Anderson is appearing in another pait;
indeed, this lady's individuality is, as usual, so prominent, that it may
be said that Miss Mary Anderson is appearing very strongly in a new
part-an enigmatic expression, which you may interpret as you please.
Miss Anderson's execution of Julia is no different from the other imper-
sonations she has obliged us with: it shows the same crudities and
comicalities, the same passing touches of truth, the same failure of
depth, the same airs and graces, and the same pretty dresses-at least,
not the same pretty dresses, for indeed they are different.
Mr. ARTHUR STIRLING is a good Master Walter of the old school,
which is somewhat too ponderous for these airy days; and Mis Pate-
man, though not unpleasant, was a trifle artificial in a part which is
something too light for her style, and which she seemed to play against
time, as it were. Mr. Standing played Modus with a caution amounting
to timidity, but still with some character too. Mr. Terriss was indeed
solemnly statuesque-he must be credited with some feeling, however;
but nothing in the performance generally (although some of the scenery
is very beautiful) can be said to have raised the piece above its present
status of a stock piece of dulness for matinees.
THE GRAND.-Mr. Conquest and Co. in Mankind have set up their
tent here, much, apparently, to the satisfaction of "merrie Islington."
GAIETY (Morning).-Miss Helen Barry appeared here on Thursday
as Lady ,Gay Spanker in London Assurance, more, I presume, as a
reminder' of her existence and return to England, than as a high artistic
effort. There have been worse Lady Gays, however, and Miss Barry
had a good reception.
NOD AND WINK.-A new piece by Mr. Glover will precede The
Lady of the Locket at the Imperial to-morrow night.
THE PRINCESS'S.-Writing under the influence of first impressions,
Yunius appears to be a rather dull and undramatic piece until dan-
gerously late in the action. There is some
dignity about the language, which is given
full effect to, in so far as it falls to his share, I
by Mr. Wilson Barrett's impressive per-
formance of the principal character, and Mr.
Willard's Tarquin is a powerful conception,
consistently carried out. Miss Eastlake, s
acting generally with care and effect, played
a difficult scene with marked truth, delicacy,
and pathos. Miss M. Leighton was an
appropriately wierd Sybil, and Mr.
Charles Hudson was a very picturesque, if
somewhat melodramatic Spy. Mr. John
Dewhurst was a painfully precise spoken
Sempronion. The grouping and general
bearing of the subordinate characters gave
what may be called a very faithful air to the
representation of Roman life. These things,
with the excellent stage setting-the last THE PRINCESSS.-JUNIUS
scene is a magnificent one-make it hard ANo GENIUS.
to prophecy whether a long run, or only a
qualified success, awaits it. I hope to be passing quips on this
subject next week, so no more at present. A distinguished company
attended the performance, including the Prince and Princess of Wales
Octa~vius Ebenezer Potts.
HEE whoo wood owtrun the dokter kills himself bi the wai.
In the plenitude of our pours the plenitude of our weekness should be
Short kuts are dark wais.
The platitood of the wize man iz the enigma of the fule.
It iz wun thing too be prazewurthy and another thing to be prazed.
The work of ignerrense assuming erudishen iz like that of a woman
in the wet with no soles too her shoos.
We ken only plai with a tiger till his teath grose.
The kitshen of a literary man iz hiz note paper; it iz thare whare he
kooks hiz thorts.
The stumblin blok of a fule iz hisz own ignerrense.
Our thorts may akkuse us tho' our akshuns would not konvikt us.
MARCH 4, 1885. FU N. 89
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-What is the use of worrying me about that jimcrack
breastpin you've lost? I dare say if the truth were known it
wasn't worth the postage it cost to send it I Anyway I can't
be expected to attend to it now, just when I'm at Croydon
pegging away at my
TIP FOR THE UNITED KINGDOM STEEPLECHASE.
AT Croydon mark the Bard and see
The beaming smile upon his face,
'Tis plain he's thinking now of the
United Kingdom Steeplechase.
'Tis plain he knows which horse to place
Which Fate the winner has decreed;
'Tis plainer than the Prophet's face,
And that is very plain indeed.
Disdain and some disparagement
You'd notice in the Prophet's tone,
If anybody should present
And vaunt the claims of Zoedone,
Cortolvin might his fame advance
New Meadow too but what are they
To burke the Phantom of a chance,
Or take a certainty away.
To Zeus as first I might allude,
And Albert Cecil for a place.
But these I will not now obtrude
Because I haven't got the face.
Let Sidthorpe with tenacity
With Soter and Panshanger fight,
But keep your eye on all the three
Without misprising Struanite.
To back Potosi you might try,
But watch with care the Norman's aim,
See if Canary means to fly,
And fathom Woodcock's little game.
But anyone who's not an ass
Will let these go without much fuss,
For Schoolgirl's almost sure to pass-
And I shall go for Julius.
And I hope-I do hope-nobody will "go for me in conse-
quence. Yours, &c. TROPHONIUS.
A PLANT that will soon flourish in the desert air.-The
Suakim-Berber Railway Plant.
THE CLANG OF THE CLOCK-TOWER.
FRIDAY, Feb 20.-Tribute to the fallen brave from the Lords. Duke
et decorum est pro fatria mori, and never truer soldiers died for England
than Stewart and Earle-in truth a noble Earle. Message from the
Queen. Britannia means playing strong cards, so brings out the Re-
serves-real trumps, of the suit of hearts-of oak. In the Commons,
Messrs. J. Redmond, Biggar, and O'Brien receive the Royal Message
with their hats on. I suppose this bare-faced, but not bare-headed, im-
pudence is to convince general public they are not a tile loose."
Monday.-Lord Oranmore, also Browne, considers state of affairs
somewhat blue. In enquiring what measures are to be taken to prevent
the House being blown up by dynamiters, his Lordship proceeds to blow
up the Government. Lord Granville informs Lord Dunraven that France
and China are not at war-the affair is merely a China jar. Lord Salis-
bury objects to French pottering on British ships,"right of search" not-
withstanding. Mr. Tomlinson, in the Commons, asks what everybody
wants to know, why the wives and children of those who defend the
homes of their country have been made homeless. Apparently public
opinion has taught even the War Office discretion, for the Marquis of
Hartington reports that other quarters have been provided. Sir Stafford
moves Vote of Censure on Government, blames them for starting so late,
and urges them not to withdraw too soon. John Morley moves amend-
ment, blaming them for sending force at all, and urging them not to let
it stay long. Pity the sorrows of a Grand Old Man-Debate
Tuesday. -House of Lords, instead of losing, gains force-Wilberforce,
the new bishop from Newcastle. Lord Lamington elicits from Lord
Primroseberry that Parliament Street is not to be handed over to a private
company-Lord Redesdale considers private company offers no advan-
THE RETORT COURTEOUS.
City Gutter Merchant.-" 'ERE Y'ARE I THE PENNY FLAGROLET I ANY
CHILD CAN PLAY IT."
.7ohnson (funny fellow).-" So COULD ANY FOOL, COULDN'T HE?'
C. G. M.-" OH, YES, SIR I HERE Y'ARE I SOLD AGAIN I"
tage to the public. Commons-Present Home Secretary informs past
ditto ditto that John Lee is not to be experimented on any more. Every-
body very cross with bungling hangman-except, perhaps, Mr. Lee.
Mr. Sutherland wants to know if China has blockheaded Woosung.
Lord Fitzmaurice wants to know who sung that song about woosung-
he hasn't heard it. More Vote of Censure chatter. Much censure, but
little sure sense. Speaker convinces Irish Nationalists that pothouse
manners incur pothouse penalties. O'Brien retires softly singing a la
Nelly Farren, "Chucked Again I"
Wednesday,-Craig Sellar introduces Bill for Private Legislation.
Wants to do away with Committees-Pease can't hold his peace on the
point. Mr. Gregory backs up the baronet. House treated to "Gregorian
Thursday.-Mephistopheles having tempted Faust to error, prepares
to take on the rdle of avenging Nemesis. Salisbury moves Vote of
Censure in the Lords. On the same question the Commons continue to
Friday.-The Lords pass their Vote of Censure by a large, ding-
dong majority-the Commons reject theirs by a little tinkle-tinkle
[Mr. O'Brien was recently suspended from appearing in the House of Commons
for seven days.]
Now, while the nation is in such suspense,
The Irish Members fain would draw attention
Unto their cackle, so devoid of sense;
But, lo I the Commons, with disgust intense,
Eased their suspense by turning on suspension.
go. FUN. MARCH 4, 1885.
DISGUISED!-OR, THE UNDETECTABLE DETECTIVE.
(DEDICATED TO OUR VERY EFFICIENT DETECTIVE SYSTEM,)
F -UN *.-MARCH, 4, x885.
AT BAY.-DEFENDING HIS POLICY.
92 TI N MARCH 4. 1885.
A "Mill"-itant Magistrate.
[A lazy pauper was brought before Mr. Chance, at Lambeth, for refus-
ing to do his work on the handmills, alleging that the work was too hard
L. AN Afor a man to do. Mr. Chance, remanding the man for a few hours went
to try the "mills" himself. And eventually he sent the pauper back to
OH, list to a lay of a magistrate
(Whom many would call a "beak "),
A practical person, I beg to state,-
As he certainly proved last week.
ha, tA pauper who'd been at the workhouse fEd,
Refused his small task to fulfil,
The handmills he viewed with a lazy dread,
He was not a disciple of Mill.
He vowed 'twas too hard for a man to do,
'Twas beyond his strength, said he,
The magistrate hearkened and then replied" Pcoh I
Too hard well, I'll go and see I"
So off to the union soon he sped,
And laboured away with a will,
And when he returned, "Go to !" he said
"I've been and I've tried that mill."
Now, Chance's creating that precedent thus,
Will doubtless cause every beak
(By way of preventing a deal of fuss)
Such practical proofs to seek.
When arraigning some burglar who's given to show
For honesty small regard;
Before passing sentence the beak will go
Just to "sample" the "twelve months' hard."
And when forgers are up, and about to be sent
Away for a penal rest,
Our magistrates never will be content,
Till the quarry and "' stepper" they test.
Yea, before our felons don convict guise
Each beak, like an earnest elf,
Won't be able to rest till he goes and tries
A long penal "stretch" hisnseld.
AMBITION K l O WS NO LIMIT S. THE greatest bore in boredom,
Polly (to Elder Sister).-" SHOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL, LIZZI? The greatest nuisance known,
Lizzde.-" YES." Is he who talks about himself
Polly.-" So SHOULD I. I SHOULD LIKE TO GO TO AU4TRALIA.' And his affairs alone,
Lizzie.-" AUSTRALIA! OH, THAT AIN'T NO DISTANCE.' I SHOULD When you want him to listen
LIKE TO GO TWICE AS FAR AS THAT?" While you talk about your own.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES A WHISTLERING, replied, "There is nothing of the 'fine' about their art. I wouldn't
WHEN I waited on Mr. James McNeil Whistler, shortly before his give one of them even the option of a 'fine,' sir. It should be a term
last public appearance, Sir, he was inclined to be a little haughty. of imprisonment, all round, for every picture they dared to paint I
Cannot you see," he exclaimed, waving me on one side with his Then he went in to the lecture hall.
hand, "that I am positively engrossed in business just now ?" So did I; and within five minutes "Butterfly James" was coming
"Engrossed ?" I echoed. "What, you, Whistler? An artist such out, so to speak, all over the place. Aye, and coming, out strong too!
as you are engrossed, like a prosaic deed? Nonsense I You meant to His tone was as low, though, as his art was high, and, some one at the
say you were illuminated, now, didn't you? Illuminated a la the back cried, "Speak up I" Whistler merely withered him with one ey~e,
medieval missal, eh?" and went on as indistinctly as before. Fixing his disengaged orb on
My ready quip pleased him, and he deigned to smile as he exclaimed, me, he exclaimed, "Nature is not Art I"
"Well, well, my friend, what is it ?" "No," I murmured to myself; "and Swan isn't Edgar, nor Snell-
I have called, James," I returned, assuming a confidential tone, to grove Marshall, nor Howell James I "
ask you to alter your lecture's title before too late." "Truthful James" did not give any specimen of his skill as a painter.
"Why so? he queried. He drew a very good house at the commencement of his lecture, but
"Why, because if you wish your entertainment to go off like one that was all, although I sent him up a private note entreating him to
o'clock, it is absurd to call it 'Ten o'Clock,' now, isn't it? One paint us a haystack in a fog, and then offer prizes for the nearest guesses
moment I" I went on, "why not call it 'Twelve-fifty o'Clock?'" as to the subject.
"Oh, I know that old joke," he returned; "because it would be ten One of his most applauded remarks was that the painter who painted
to one if the people came to it is the answer, is it not?" Nature just as she came would be like a musician who sat upon the
Just then I overheard the chink of falling coins at the turnstile out- piano when he had to. compose a tune. The people laughed at this;
side. "Stay," I exclaimed, "it would be more Whistlerian, I fancy, but I have always understood that most of Wagner's music was conm-
to call your entertainment 'A Nocturne in Silver.' What do you think?" posed in the above way, only more so. What I mean is that Wagner,
"Well, as I made the admission ten shillings," he responded imme- being a great miestro, used to summon his family about him, and call
diately, A Nocturne in Gold' would be better still." on them, when he felt the fit of musical inspiration coming, to sit with
We both chuckled. "Isn't the audience waiting?" I asked, him on five, or six, or seven pianofortes simultaneously.
"Everything comes to the audience that can wait," he answered with But this is not Whistler's whistling, is it? To resume, then. James
mingled hauteur and jocosity. "Yes, everything; even Whistler !" having led us to the conclusion that there is in these days no art, and
And, taking out his latchkey, he deftly arranged his famous white lock, that he is its prophet, gave it to the esthetes hot I
which I always, in my facetiously Extra-Special way, allude to as the We are all of us apt, Sir, sooner or later to pay dearly for our whistle.
"Lock on his Understanding !" There are some in our midst, methinks, in these latter days who are not
"Before you go," I exclaimed, "tell me one thing-what is your quite sure that they have not paid too dearly for their Whistler !
opinion of the painting of our Royal Academicians as a Fine Art?" But to my mind it was well worth the sum charged to hear Mr. J.
I shall not soon forget the scorn that flashed from his eyes as he McN. Whistler say that he disapproved of Nature.
MARCH 4, 1885. F UN. 93
At Bay.-Defending His Policy.
LESS and less the sky is fair,
Storm-clouds gather in the air ;
Nearer, ever nearer comes
Roll of thunder and of drums.
War's alarms grow full and fast,
Springing from a troublous past ;
And our leader's forced, we see,
To defend his policy.
Madden'd with a thirst for blood,
Rushing like a mighty flood,
Foes pour onward to the strife,
Eager for his very life.
Loudly on their, gods they call
To procure our leader's fall;
Yet they find he doth not flee,
But defends his policy.
Primed with skill and courage bold,
Tried in many a fight of old,
Now the leader doth not shrink
From the fateful contest's brink.
Nay I So long as he hath breath
Will he battle to the death;
Proving unto all that he
Can defend his policy.
A SHOOK TO MONARCHY.
IT was a most painful scene.
Her Most Gracious Majesty Queen Victoria had been "taking on" so,
poor thing; crying as if the very heart of her would break "What is
to be done ?" asked Alexandra of Albert Edward. "She will not be
comforted. Poor dear, she has evidently received some dreadful
shock !" "Dear, dear I'm sure I don't know," replied Albert Edward
"What is to be done?" asked the Lord Chamberlain.
"Deary me-I don't know," said the Mistress of the Robes. Let
us send for Mr. FUN, the Loyal; he will say some of his very funny
things, and soon get her round."
So they sent for Mr. FUN; and he came and brought his current
number; and Her Majesty was comforted a little bit, but not altogether.
"I shall never quite get over it-never !" she said.
"It was dreadful news, I've no doubt your poor dear Majesty !" said
FUN. "Might I enquire of what nature- ?"
"Oh, it was in the Lower House-among my faithful Commons--"
And she broke down again.
At this moment a fearful rumbling was heard. It seemed to come
from all round-all over Europe-and to forbode some awful evil.
"Oh, Mr. FUN-what's that," cried Her Majesty; for she was
thoroughly upset, and terribly nervous.
Very sorry, Mum," said the Lord Chamberlain excitedly trotting in.
"But I'm afraid, if you please mum, as it's all the thrones a-tottering to
their fall I"
By dint of inquiring, we have just discovered the cause of these awful
shocks. No wonder her poor Majesty will never be herself again 1 No
wonder the Thrones of Europe are tottering when you come to think it !
Mr.- dear us, now-whatever was his name ? Oh, ah Mr. 0- Mr.
O'Brien-that's it. Mr. O'Brien, and two other persons kept their hats
on in the House of Commons during the reading oft he message from
the Queen. __
A LIGHT CONSTITUENCY.-County Down.
GALLIC pride has been shockingly rumpled about lately by some one
who has found out quite unexpectedly that the French were not the first
civilised nation to rob and ramp on the
island of Madagascar. The searchist con-
siders that the honour is due to the Por-
CROWNED heads are invariably worried,
made uneasy, and rubbed over to a hair
destroying extent. Still, the proprietors
of the crowned heads generally derive a
sort of flabby consolation from knowing
that they are constitutionally chosen and
anointed, and that they are both beloved
and dreaded. The uncrowned king of
Ireland, however, cannot solace himself in
such a manner. Threatened by his sub-
jects, and in no way feared or respected by
his foes, he holds an unusually unpleasant
position as a "ruler."
A GERMAN paper recently published a cartoon representing a British
Baptist minister, with a pistol in one hand and a bible in the other,
leading the Cameroon natives against the Germans. This cartoon
epitomises Teutonic feeling, and is symbolical of the intense jealousy
Germans feel at any one using the pistol and the bible in fulsome con-
junction, thereby trenching on the blood, iron, and cant policy pursued
by truly Pious William and his hypocritical chancellor.
THE new smokeless gunpowder adopted by the War Department is
called "cocoa" powder. This "cocoa" powder will seldom be used
mixed with the milk of human kindness, and those who receive doses of
it, sweetened with the sugar of lead, will never find its effects "grateful
PRINCE GEORGE OF WALES is going to lazy Heidelberg for three
months to study German. Three months! Why, it takes a year at
least to initiate a student into a few of the deadly mysteries concerning
the German sausages sold, the duels fought, and the beer consumed in
and about this quaint old German university town.
AN inventive gentleman, who explains in a little book how human
beings can exist on a shilling a week, deserves much credit for his ingenious
notions; but his assertion that meat is a disease-producer shows that he
possesses alarmingly strong imaginative powers, and practical Britons
will be inclined to chuckle on reading his denunciation of the roast beef,
pork, mutton, lamb, hare, and veal of old England. If the inventive
gentleman cares to make careful inquiries in the mysterious district of
Soho, he will learn that many of the exiled foreign noblemen who affect
the locality, live and wax plump upon meat-yea, even on that somewhat
despised article of food, cats-meat.
DR. ARMITAGE slogs heavily at the grocers' licence system, and more
than hints that our wives, daughters, sisters, dear little cousins, and
venerable aunts are fonder of buying wine than ketchup in grocery stores.
The libelled ladies, one and all, call Mr. Armitage names more or less
naughty, one irate damsel going so far as to say that she would like to
make the man of physic live for a month on vinegar, cheap claret, tinned
mushrooms, mustard leaves, and sulphur soap.
A RECENT trial has evoked much debate upon the question of halluci-
nations. We most firmly believe that hallucinations do not necessarily
indicate insanity in a subject. At Sandown Park the other day, we ob-
served a pickpocket abstract a Hanoverian sovereign from a welsher'F
waistcoat, his hallucination palpably being that the counter was a legi-
timately Royal Mint-born jangler. Yet, when he showed his spoil
to some confederates, they did not call him stark, staring, raving mad;
they only hinted that he was a trifle dotty.
THE suggestion to establish a London Legal Hospital where unhappy
beings who, either from choice or chance, entangle themselves or get
ensnared in the meshes of the law, and have no money to obtain sound
legal advice, is certainly a charmingly quaint idea. What a pleasant
company would assemble every morning in the out-patients' waiting-
room I How joyously Bill the burglar, Jerry the garrotter, Simon the
marine store-dealer, would quip and crank together before taking the
gratuitous advice of thelegal doctors, for of course, as soon as it is intimated
to an habitual but impecunious criminal by some perniciously kind friend
that he is not only wanted,"but certain to be copped," the unfortunate
fellow would pop into the London Legal Hospital, and shower his bless-
ings on those willing to minister unto him in his dire distress.
94 F -UN MARCH 4, 1885.
THE SQUARE PEG.
him in with a
And seemed to
For he was a
For serving Her
M a j e st y
By doing what
work a detec-
tive can do
To aid and
But, oh'! it was-clear to the simplest wit
He wasn't in any way suited for it.
Wherever your eye 'could fall,
There was'nt a thing, from his top to his toe,
To set anybody exclaiming "Hallo I"
Or noticing him at all.
A walk in the streets, and your chance wasn't dim
Of meeting with dozens of fellows like him,
Wherever the street you select.
I do not suppose that you ever could see
A more unremarkable person than he
In every one respect.
Had he for detection the ghost of a chance ?
Why, where was his sharply inquisitive glance ?
And where was his-bless my soul !-
Where was his stiff neck and his rigid poised head,
His heavy and measured deliberate tread,
And regular policeman roll ?
The officer looked at him, heaving a sigh,
And said, "I don't know, but we may as well try-
He looks very far from fit;
It may be a hit and it may be a miss,
However, we never can use him like this-
He 'll have to be drilled a bit.
They gave him a drilling and gave him his fill,
For months he subsisted on nothing but drill-
They drilled him with extra care;
They taught him to stand very stiffly and straight,
Instructed him much with regard to his gait,
And how he should cut his hair.
They fitted him out with civilian clothes,
And buttoned them, uniform-like, to the nose,
And shod him with contract boots
(So titled, unless I'm mistaking the fact,
Because they are morally bound to contract
Before any foot they sootsl).
They got him a hat (and their motives were good)
As much like a helmet as ever they could,
And sent him abroad to detect;
But he never was meant for the duty it's plain-
Their plans and their labour were wholly in vain,
And hadn't the least effect !
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
WELL, dear I cried Mrs. Blunderberry smiling, as she tripped into
the breakfast-parlour and trod on the cat as it slumbered on the hearth-
rug. "Well, dear, is Gladstone out?"
Yes," growled her husband. He's just stepped round the corner
to see what time it is by the clock at the public house."
"I don't meaf" that, Solomon; I mean have the Ministers gone out?"
"That's a nice way to talk about the rulers of your country. What
put it in your head that the Cabinet was a candle ? Think when the
Liberal Government goes out it leaves a wreath of smoke and a sme.l
behind ? Fancy you can extinguish Chamberlain by puffing at him ?
Think Gladstone is spluttering in his socket, and Granville guttering
down one side? Bah I Have you got a notion the Ministers are so
many gas-jets, and Sir Stafford Northcote has turned them off at the
"But, Solomon, you said yesterday they were going to be turned out."
"Suppose somebody told you Government was a jelly; you're talking
of a Cabinet, ma'am, and not of a cabinet-pudding that has to be turned
out of a mould. Turn out Why, with your body painted pea-green,
you'd only want a pair of red wheels and a fast-trotting mare to be a
neat turn-out yourself,"
Well, anyhow, I think you might tell me whether Gladstone is out
yet or not."
"Yes, Mrs. B.; he came out at the last county ball in a white muslin
dress with a blue sash, and danced the whole evening."
"I don't believe it," said Mrs. Blunderberry. You're making fun
of me, Sol-ol-omon," and the good lady whimpered plaintively as she
shook the powdered sugar over her poached egg.
"This is an age of unbelief," answered Mr. Blunderberry senten-
tiously. "I suppose you don't even believe in Gladstone ?"
No, I don't," replied his good lady decidedly. I don't believe in
anybody who muddles up things, and I think the census was quite right."
Now you've hit it," cried her lord and master savagely slicing at
the loaf. "Trust a woman for getting to the bottom of things. You
know what a census is, don't you? You never tripped over a word or
tumbled up against a dictionary."
"A census," said his better half, speaking very slowly and delibe-
rately-"a census, Solomon, is an expression of common sense, and the
Vote of Census was just the common sense of England speaking."
"Oh, great goodness I" cried Mr. Blunderberry, spearing a sardine
with angry vehemence. "Censure, ma'am-censure, not census."
"Solomon, I put up with a great deal from you, but-but-but it's
brutal to ridicule my parts of speech."
Take 'em, ma'am-take 'em-do what you like with them. They
are yours, Mrs. B., the whole eight of them; but, as a loving wife,
kindly permit me the occasional use of an interjection. Of all the dun-
derheaded, addlepated, meddling, muddling--"
"There !" interrupted Mrs. Blunderberry, smiling triumphantly
through her gathering tears. "I knew you didn't like him any better
than I did. Now, do be reasonable and tell me whether he's beaten."
"What put it into your kaleidoscope of a brain that the Prime
Minister was a carpet, or an egg-eh ? "
I'm sure when I ask a thing you might answer properly, Solomon.
I want information."
"You do," responded Mr. Blunderberry fervently. "And when you
ask for information see that you get it, as an inferior article is often sub-
stituted. Now, Mrs. B., if you were to ask me if the Prime Minister's
"What's that matter?" interposed the good lady. "If he's been
turned out he'll have to resign himself to it, and that's all about it. It's
no use crying over spilt milk."
There you are again I What, you don't know about the First Lord
of the Treasury-and a dairy-isn't worth knowing. Think the various
departments are cows, don't you ? and Gladstone's a charming maid to
carry the milking pail.' Oh, you've got the cream of it all. A pound
of oleomargarine and a bladder of lard is all you want to fit you up as a
I suppose if Gladstone's out the other one's in," mused Mrs. Blunder-
berry, without attempting to follow her husband in his fanciful flight of
Now-now," cried her husband, "you have got the whole political
situation in a nutshell."
"I'm sure we want change," continued the good lady.
"Elevenpence halfpenny dirty coppers for a bright shilling," growled
her husband struggling with his overcoat.
"No, Solomon," answered Mrs. Blunderberry. Twenty brand new
Ministers for a good sovereign-the Queen, Solomon-a good sovereign
-the Queen. He I he I he 1"
Ugh I What Egyptian catacomb have you been ransacking to find
that old joke ? Where did you discover that antediluvian relic ? Did you
dig it out as a fossil from a chalk cliff? And Mr. Blunderberry,
without waiting for an answer, left the house and slammed the door
MARC4. 4885. H TIN. 95
GIVE THEM LAW.
A novel prnosal is for the establishment of a law hospital or dispensary, at which poor people may obtain legal advice gratis as they obtain medical advice and
more at the ordinary hospitals.-Daily Paper.]
Opening of the Law Hospital-Rush of Contending Parties. Getting a Bit of Legal Advice. A Poor Litigant who, having had too much
legal advice, wants just enough medical advice.
A FALSE DEDUCTION.
LOWLY he craw-
led across the
Beneath the burn-
ing sun; aleaden
WA R. WORKHOU5E.- To either foot-
W*R ,.___. .__ :- TaHunger and
While on his back
S- 2 there fell the lash
.,.. of Thirst,
/.Driving him on.
And Logical De-
Straying that way,
beheld him and
As from the touch
/ Il of something that
"/ -For Logical De-
formed its own
The start de-
layed without ne-
doubtless, all de-
So that the greater suffering and fatigue gn y
Should be endured)-The water-skins that leak-
The needed railway (which might bear the food
To hungry mouths with too-efficient speed),
Deferred in favour of the droning camel
So stintingly supplied-the boats, too, frail,
Their necessary fittings odds and ends
Not interchangeable-the chosen time
Finding the river useless, perilous-
These circumstances point to punishment
For crimes committed; to indignant Justice,
S And vindication of the outraged laws."
"I am a soldier," said the sufferer;
"To fight my country's battles am I here."
Then Logical Deduction, with a flash
Of scornful incredulity i-" I mark
The soldier's garb, indeed ; all other things
Bespeak the convict. 'Tis a curious fancy
To dress the convict as a soldier truly,
Yet doubtless done of good and wise design
By British Justice." Then Deduction turned
Its step to England, and increased scorn
And incredulity was in its voice;
"A soldier? Oh, forsooth, so probable I
A soldier's-not a convict's-wife and children
Thrust forth from house and home I A soldier's wife-
Not convict's, mark you I-left to tears and want I
Truly a likely tale yon soldier' tells !"
Then hied it to the "soldier's" wife, and, fixing
A searching eye upon her, Come," it said;
The truth-thy husband suffers for a crime ?"
Yet, 'mid her tears, she cried persistently-
He is a soldier; I a soldier's wife."
Then Logical Deduction turned to them
That order things in our fair Britain, saying
With deep disgust, A goodly pair, these twain,
That do so strive to bring disgrace on you,
Shame and opprobrium, and the bitter scorn
Of all good men: these twain that drag your honour
Thus through the mire, stating that you would treat
The fearless hero who defends your hearths
Like some degraded felon-he who treads
The desert; she who starves at home- "
The Rulers said; "a soldier truly he,
E'en as he says; and she a soldier's wife."
Then Logical Deduction reeled, and fell,
Gave one great sigh, and passed away from earth,
Its mission gone. Yet, living, had it found
How things so ruled reduce Expenditure,
And save the Estimates; and might have been
E'en as the British Public are-CONTENT.
(MR. FUN begs to state that if the above does not apply to the case of
the Guards at Windsor [a question that appears to admit of some diver-
sity of opinion], it will certainly do excellently for the case of the mass
of the army, and that not merely at the present time, but far into the
past, and, we will dare to say, far into the future also. See letters on
the subject in daily papers).
A DAILY paper says that the "best-dressed woman is she who is never
quite in the van of fashion, nor quite in the rear." What a blow this
is to those ladies who are given to van-ity throughout their car-rear I
Ar To CORRESpONoDNTs.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be sumnea unsess
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
96 F UN. MARCH 4, 1885.
A REASONABLE SUGGESTION,
English Visitor (to Dublin Car-Driver).-" WELL, PAT, WHAT'S YOUR FARE FOR TWO MILES ?"
Pat.-" OCH, SHURE, I'LL LAVE IT TO YOUR HONOUR."
English Visitor.-" IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF HONOUR, MY GOOD FELLOW; IT IS A QUESTION OF WHAT IS YOUR' UST FARE.'
Pat.-"WELL, YER HONOUR, IF YOU PUTT IT IN THAT WAY, MYI JUST FARE IS GIST WHAT THE POLIS (THE CURSE OF CROM.
WELL ON 'EM ALL) ALLOWS A POOR DACENT BOY LIKE MYSELF TO KEEP THE WOULD HORSE, THE MISSUS, AND NINE CHILDREN
UPON; SO IF YER HONOUR WILL GIVE ME TEN SHILLINS, I'LL DRINK YER HEALTH, AND PRAY THAT THE BLESSINGS OF ALL
THE SAINTS ATTIND YER WHEN YER TIME'S COME."
A Sensible Petition. A Jetty Jumble.
WE hear of petitions in plenty for various purposes, some of which "JET is just now a fashionable thing,"
are important only to the little knots of crocheteers with which this com- The fashion-prints proclaim;
prehensive country abounds. But if FUN were asked "What is the So, doubtless, every lady soon will sing,
most sensible petition one can at the present moment subscribe one's "Oh I jet, dear, quejet-t'aime / "
name to? he would reply, without hesitation, The petitions issued by And even ladies, thought to be ascetic,
the National Refuge Harbours Society, of 17, Parliament Street." In praise of jet will be most ener-jet-ic.
These petitions pray for more Harbours of Refuge and places of safety
to be erected on our coasts, and thus diminish the greatly increasing and ON THURSDAY NEXT, MARCH 5th, PRICE ONE PErNNY,
deplorable loss of life that prevails through shipwrecks that might, WILL BE PUBLISHED
humanly speaking, be prevented. FUN would also add that donations WILL BE PUBLISHED
as well as signatures are sorely needed by this Society. L -. _A. IT :) L I 1I
A New Illustrated Weekly Yournal for Boys and Girls.
HAD we to ask if everything we eat was honestly got by, we should starve. "*FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C
"The Richest, Softest, and most Becomain
Fabric eyes invented for
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, its proves the
Ev6y 7ard addition of Starch.
S Nonpareil to protect the o PbliREc!i 80LUBLEi REFRErHIN !!I
BOLD BY THE LEADING DRAPERS ALL OVER THE WORLD. --U- OLU -L RF N
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, March 4th, 1885.