Front Cover
 Title Page
 July 2, 1884
 July 9, 1884
 July 16, 1884
 July 23, 1884
 July 30, 1884
 April 6, 1884
 April 13, 1884
 April 20, 1884
 April 27, 1884
 September 3, 1884
 September 10, 1884
 September 17, 1884
 September 24, 1884
 October 1, 1884
 October 8, 1884
 October 15, 1884
 October 22, 1884
 October 29, 1884
 November 5, 1884
 November 12, 1884
 November 19, 1884
 November 26, 1884
 December 3, 1884
 December 10, 1884
 December 17, 1884
 December 24, 1884
 December 31, 1884
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00045
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00045
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page 1
        Title Page 2
        Page 1
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8, 9
        Page 10
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 1
    July 2, 1884
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
        Page 11
        Page 12
    July 9, 1884
        Page 13
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    July 16, 1884
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    July 23, 1884
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    July 30, 1884
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    April 6, 1884
        Page 55
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    April 13, 1884
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    April 20, 1884
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    April 27, 1884
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    September 3, 1884
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    September 10, 1884
        Page 111
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    September 17, 1884
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    September 24, 1884
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    October 1, 1884
        Page 143
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        Page 148, 149
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    October 8, 1884
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    October 15, 1884
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    October 22, 1884
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    October 29, 1884
        Page 187
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    November 5, 1884
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    November 12, 1884
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    November 19, 1884
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    November 26, 1884
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    December 3, 1884
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    December 10, 1884
        Page 253
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        Page 260
        Page 261
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    December 17, 1884
        Page 263
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        Page 265
        Page 266
        Page 267
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        Page 269
        Page 270
        Page 271
        Page 272
    December 24, 1884
        Page 273
        Page 274
        Page 275
        Page 276
        Page 277
        Page 278, 279
        Page 280
        Page 281
        Page 282
        Page 283
        Page 284
    December 31, 1884
        Page 285
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    Back Cover
Full Text

Elio 11 14

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~/./ ~ 40.-

"LET'S see-what new work for the
benefit of humanity can I-?" mused
FUN. "Ha! Not long ago a fellow
took a photograph of a flash of lightning;
more lately still another fellow photo-
graphed a tornado in the United States.
Yes. And when the police get hold of a
criminal they photograph him in order that the
Virtuous mayknowhim at sight and bewareof him.
I 1/ Yes. Two and two make four exactly. Why should
not I confer a benefit on the Virtuous by--"
rq.f, 'KThe rest of his soliloquy was lost in the din of
1i/// I I///1 his preparations.
I" -There was a stir of wild apprehension among
-the Baser Human Qualities as the good FUN was
seen approaching.
"He's got a photographic camera w whispered
Pride, uneasily; "what can he want this way?"
,. c"I don't like the look of it at all said Malice.
"Pity he doesn't keep himself to himself; I
-- never feel easy when hie's near," said Meanness.

"No more do I," said Hy- f
pocrisy, "and he's coming
straight towards us."
He was. As he set up his
camera, and got ready, the
Baser Qualities hastily drew
their draperies over their heads
and began to make off.
"Take your photo, gents ?"
cried FUN, "won't take a se-
cond. Such a lovely group
you'd make !" In vain they
attempted evasion. In the I
twinkling of an eye he had the
likenesses of the lot all ready
to be developed in his pages,
that the Virtuous (another
name for the readers of
FuN) may learn to know and avoid them as they would avoid French Glory, or Zola, or the cholera.

ALARMIST (The), 161
All at Sea Again, 20
All I Ask, 281
Axe-iom! (An), 64
BEAUTIFUL Example (A), 218
Bit of My Mlind (A), 299
Bitter, Bitter Subject (A), 207
Blunderberry's at Breakfast (The), 1i1, 201
Burglar's Last Boxing Day, 282
CALLOUS Conservatives, 107
Christmas Time is Coming, 280
Casts after the Antique, 85
Champion Fiend (The), 29
Chance for the G. 0. M. (A), 179
Chant re Churchill (A), 2i
Charge of the Lodging House Brigade, 186
Checkmated, 107
City's Respite (The), 41
Coming of the Cards (The), 255
Conservative Crowing, 261
Conversations for the Times, 15, 39, 68, 77
9, 202, 117, 227, 134, 146, 169, 177, 190,
08oS, 217, 231, 253
Crushed One's Haven (The), 202
Cry of the Clerks (The), 251
Curiosity (A), 62
DEAL of Trouble for Nothing (A), 133
Deep Disappointment, 10o3
Delicious Little Point (A), St5
Demon of the Day (The), 223
Dots by the Way, 067
Dreadful Poser! (A), 234
Driest Thing About (The), 25
ENTHUSIASM at Warsaw (The), I52
Erin's Eccentrics, 272
FAITHFUL Hat (The), 271
Fiction is Cheap To-day, 175
Foochow-to-do-it-When One's Fou," i19
Fun's Farewell to a Funny Fellow, 252
GAIN for a Loss (A), 22
Getting into Focus, 19
Gordon's Relief, o1o
Gordon's Telegrams, 189
Gratitude, 155
Great Reformer (The), 33
Greeting (A), 90
HAPPY Historian! (A), 157
Henley Incident (A), 1o
Holiday Hash (A), 75
IMPERIAL Trio (The), 139
Inquisitor (The), 55
Insane Insinuation (An), ri9
Inspiring Invention (An), 235
Intelligent Foreigner in Parliament, it,
21, 3r, 4r, 53, 6374, 85, 203, 213, 229,
235, 245, 255, 271
Interesting Survival (An), 233
" It's as well to be in Time," 123
JUNE Song (A), 22
KNICKNACKS, 5, 20, 30, 40, 51, 61, 73, 84,
96, io8, 117, 127, 134, 146, o1, 174, S181
190, 202, 217, 223, 239, 250, 26o, 270. 293

LAYS of a Lover, 76
Liberal Offer (A), 3
Logicians of Petworth (The), 259
Londesborough's Liberalism, 203
Long Outing (A), 67
Lost to Sight, 175
MARTINED, but not Swallowed, 185
Massa Gladstone's Melody, 168
Matter for Negociation, 173
Monster (The), 96
More Distinguished Potentates, to
Most Tiresome State of Things (A), 227
Moustaches v. Microbes, 139
Much the Same in the End, 83
My Heroine, 20
NATIONAL Harbour Society, go
New Move (A), 2i9

Newest Thing in Vendette (The), 84
Not Bad Enough, 228
Nothing, if not Dramatic, 260, 263
Our Comprehensive Compound, 199
Our Egyptian Coup d'Etat, 153
Our Extra-Special, 13, 23, 87, i21, 141,
165, 187, 265
Our Hero Again, ix
Our Nasty Navy, 173
PITY the Poor Laws, 3
Pity the Poor Pic-nickers! 123
Police Patrol (A), 281
Power? 128
Proper Class to Begin With (The), 184
QUITE Conclusive, 183
RADICAL Peers, 31
Reckless Rosebery's Revolt, 3
Relief for the Red-nosed, 285
Re-meed-ial Rhyme (A), 261
Riparian Romance (A), 133
Roundell-lay, 210
Round the Clock, 265
SACRED State Secrecy, 185
Sartor Departed, 1og
Satire Incarnate, 26p
Scarborough "Sell,' 213
" See Me Reverse !" 243
Self-Sacrifice! 157
Shame-Stricken Monster (A), 196
Slashes and Puffs, 2, 14, 24, 34, 44, 56, 66,
78, 88, 100, 112, i22, 132, 141, 156, i66,
178, 188, 200, 212, 222, 232, 244, 254, 264
274, 286
Snatched Away, 2x1
Solicitor's Bill (The), 89
Some Persons Won't Enjoy Themselves
Some Things Not Easily Recognised, 162
Songs of the Watering Places, 30, 47, 131
Spooney Sermon (A), 234
Surrender, 231
Sympathy and Success, 25
TAKE In (A), 53
Task for no Ordinary Man (A), 118
Thames Expedition (The), 46
Thorough Change (A), 276
Ticket for Love (A), 32
Too Unlikely 270
Tory Utility Man (The), 197
To the Parting and Coming Guests, 287
Tricycle Terror (The), 22z
Trill of the Temperature (A), 79
Trivial Tax (A), 77
True Hero! (A), 191
Turf Cuttings, o10, 25, 42, 52, 57, 76, 79, 95,
103, 113, 135, 145, 163, 176, 179,189, 2ox,
219, 221, 240
Un Canard, 15
Unrecognised Industry (An), 283
Unpardonable Interference, 40
Urgency! 249
Very Wide Loophole! (A), 195
Victim of Novelty (The), zo8
WANTED a Working Man 229
Warbles of the Week, 5, 19, 29, 39, 46, 6r,
68, 83, 91, 008, 128, 140, 152, 1i62, 168,
184, 196, 208, 218, 228, 239, 249, 259, 269,
Warning to Japan, 209
What Dufferin Will Do, 154
Wicked Stories-Fried Potatoe Blossoms,
Woman's Perfidy, 318
YOUR Own Gainer, 250

ACCOUNTING for it, ii
Across the Herring Pond, 141
A Little Knowledge, &c., 119

A Mistletoe Understanding, 287
An Exception to the Love" Rule, 22
An Intelligent and Humane Instinct, i80o
An Old Master-ly" Notion, 9
Another Photographic Fright, 15x
At the Healtheries, 85
BAD Thing for Neptune (A), 170
Barbarous Joke (A), 113
Beating the Records, 243
Bicycled Bobbies! 86
Bitter Cry (The), 2z
Board That Ought to be Taken Up (A), 192
B. W. M. Scores (The), 235 '
CAUSE for Gratitude, 157
" C'est Defendu de Fumer," 139
Chaff, 165
Christmas Cards," and How to Play
Them, 283
Christmas Time, 281
Complete Vestryman (The), III., 6
Congo Conference (The), 262
Coronets Alter Cases, 63
Crowded "Swim" (A), 74 & 75
Delicate Point (A), 210
Dis-credit (A), 213
Dog Days, 12
Don't make a Fuss, 285
Double Perambulator (The), inI
Driving his Geese, 155
ENFANT Terrible, 123
Evolution Extraordinary, 129
FAR from the Madding Crowd 77
Festive Season Phases, 273
Financial Artist (The), 233
First of September (The), 107
S"Floorer" (A), 3
i Force-ible Reply (A), 252
"Frailty, Thy Name is- (?), 79
France's Perfidious Neighbour, 14
GALLANT Volunteeress (The), 23
Going in a Buster, 231
Going Out of Town this Year, 95
HAMLETS, Ancient and Modern, 227
Hardened Sinner (A), 54
Healthy Resort (A), 142
Hints for Holiday Games, 65
His High Infallibility, 256, 266
His Sharpest Skirmish, 32
Holiday Season (The), ron
How he got his Ears Boxed, 199
How's that for High? no
How to Diminish Drinking, 124
INNOCENT Conversational Inanity, &c., 145
Instantaneous Photographs, 221
Intelligent Foreigner on the First, 103
It's all Right; He'll Wait, 246
JOHN BULL Fight (The), 43
KNocbz-'EM-DOWN, 55
LABOUCHERE Peerage (The), 36
Lament of the Railwvay Director, 89
Law of Libel, as it is Likely to be Inter-
preted, &c., 224
Little Boy's Colloquy (A), 47
Little Impractical (A), 97
Little Sew-Sew (A), 23o
Long and the Short of It (The), -i
Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth, 185
MAN of Peace (The), 186
March of the Lords to Parliament, 177
Masher in Embryo (The), 19i
Massa Gladstone's Melody, 168
Meeting of the Emperors, 130
Misinterpreted, 276
Moor Muddling! 73
More "Kicks" than Epernays, 275
Mr. Jobling willing to Oblige, 292
Muddled Modes, i95
NONE but the Brave, &c., 167
OF Course She Didn't Mean It, 42
Of Two Evils, &c., 158

Off Whitstable, of course, 45
Only Keep It Long Enough, 48
"On the Shoot," 154
"Open" and above "Board," 189
"Over-pressure" in Board Schools, 193
PARTY He Hadn't Met (A), 16
Pig-Headedness All Round, 236
Political Forecast (A), 271
Practical Illustration, 15
Press and its Patrons (The), z98
Purgatory and Paradise, 4
QUEER Fish, 13
Quite a Take In, 35
Quite Foreign to the Subject, 214
Reputation at Steak, 263
Root Remarks, 209
Rude Repartee (or Collared"), 121
SCENE at anUnderground Railway Station,
"Shall They be Taught?" azX
Shocking Catastrophe in a L. C. & D.
Railway Carriage, 87
Sketch at any Railway Book-stall, 245
Snow-" Ball" (A), 284
Soft Sympathy, 175
Some More Shop Window Sketches, 203
Somewhat of a Failure, 26
Sporting Notes, 62
Sterling Memory (A), 229
St. Leger Sarcasm, 120
"Spiting the Saxon," 136
Sweet Sounds, or "A Carol of Cries," 207
Sympathetic Symphony (A), 1o4
THAT Demon Driver, 261
The New Opening for Amateurs, 288
Thought-Reading at the Seaside, 76
To Him who Knows How to Wait, 204
Tomkins' Patent Burglar Catcher, x35
"Too Much," 265
Towards the Latter End of his Natal Day,
Tracked Home, 80
Turn About, 58
VERY Likely, 164
Visitor of 1884 (The), 99
Vive le Sport, 67
WAX-WORK Warriors, 240
Where The Fish Never Go, 143
William Tell Refusing to Bow Down, 41
Wrong Shop (The), 133
"You DIRTY BOY," 90

ANCIENT Mariner (The), 148
Another Attempt, 8r
Autumn Session (The), i8r
Bank Holiday Demonstration (A), 59
Cabinet Portrait (The), 215
"Called Back": A Voice from Midlothian,
Conference Class (The), x7
Cornered: In Disgrace, 37
Egyptian "Tri-cycle" (The), 7
End of the Season (The), 49
Fishy Demonstrations, 125
"Gordian" Knot ('1 he), 17i
Guy of the Session (The), 205
Having His Fling, 93
Kick for the Lords (A), 27
Kissing the Baby, 225
Law!! !-Jumping Through the Verdict,247
Off for the Holidays, 70
See Me Reverse," 237
Sovereign Remedy (A), 159
The Festive Season, and the "Richt-Guid
Willie," 289
The Grand Old Merry Christmas and Can-
didates for Plum Pudding, 178
Two Nobleiahs (The), 193
Twins (The): Peace at Last, 257
Vive le Sport! 1o5
Waits (The), 267
Wind; or, The Rival Bagpipes, 137

31 Days.
i Th Queen's 1i7 S
a F tax's due 8 S Sun.af
3 S H. Ains-9 M [E p.
4 S [worth 2o T [b. 1788
5 M [d. 1882. 2 W [Byron
6 T EpApk'ny as Th Lord
7 W Bnk. Di. 23 F C. Kings.
8Th (due. 24 S [leyd.'75
1o S [extires n M [NpoEiph
or S tSolaraf 27 T Prof.
12 M [Epi/pI. 28 V [Sedffw'k
,3 T Dinas 29 Th [d. 0873
14 W [Colliery 30 F Chas. I.
15 Th [Expl -I30 S [b'head'd
61 F [sion. '79' I [1649

30 Days.
L W Greek in- i6 Th Shakes-
2 Th. [surrec-T7 F [peare
3 F [tion 1878 8 S [b. r568
4 S [Sunday .9 S 2Bnd S.af
5 S Easter 20 M [Easter
6 M B.Holld. 2r T Go fireat
7 T Duke of 22 W [Hun.Ca
8 W [Albany 23 Th [nads '8c
9 Tilb. [ 853 24 F De Foe
to F Indian 2'5 S [d. 173t
SS [MIy. '57a 26 S 3rd S. af.
12 S Low I7 M [Estert
[3 M I [Surday 28 T Queen
14 T Easter eg'W Vproclmd.
s5 WV (Term'3. Th'[Empress
I rbeeins I India '76

28 Days.
OS Septu'ge- 16 M Dr. Kane
2M I[ima S. 7. T| [d. 1857
3T Robert- in8 XV As
4 W [son d.'7I v ThI [lIVd.
5h Thomas a2s F J. HuI e
6 F [Carlyle2I S [d. 0855
7 S [d. x881 22 S zst S. in
8 S Sexa fgesi-3 M [Lem
9M [ra S. 24 T S. Matt.
oTn Queen 25 V [d. .881
oV [Victoria 26 Th [0olieq
2 Th [Io. 840 271 F Sir Geo.
3 F [t8e 28 S Tichb'ne
4 S. Vrale. [trial con
5 S Quin qa- eludedd
Ires. S.I [1874

31 Days.
F [d. 864 7. S Sunt. of
S Meyerbr. M Ascn.
S 4th S. af 19! T N. Haw-
M [Easteyr o W [thorne
T ,r ThI [d. 1864
W Phconit 22 F Ox. East
Th [Pairk 23! S [Trends.
F [Murders 24! S TVhIt
S [s82 a M I[Suno .
S Potio i n6 T Rev. J.
M [Sunrday 27 W [Curven
T Sir Chas. 28 Th [d. 1880
IV [Barry 29 F Albt. Hall
Th [id. 860 30 S Iop. 187
F D.O'Con. 3 S 7[Triity
S nell d. '47 [Sundoay

30 Days.
5M Pri. Imp. 61 T Macleod
ST [k. r879 7X W [d. 8,a
3W I mprs of 8 Th Battle of
4TIl [Rus.d' o'r9 F [Water-
5 F Weber 20 S [Ioo, 1815
6 S [df 182rn S 3dS. af
7 S ist S. af ie M [Tr7n.ty
SM Trin 23 T Lerd
ST cins 24 [Cadrp.
o W [d. 1870 25 Th [bell d.'6r
STh Wm. Prn 26 F Gco. IV.
2 F [ofOran. [7 S [d. 1830
r S [d. 1879'08 S 4tl S. f.
4 S WsdS.aof.\ M [To '7rty
5 M [Trinityl) T Roscoe
i Id. A8u1

31 Days.
oW P. Alice .7 F
SThI [-.in 852 r8 S
3 F [b. So7 9 S
4 S Garibaldi 2o M
5 St S. /.2: T
6 M[TrI m 3'22 WT
7 T Sheridan 23 Th
8 W [d. 16 24 F
Th Fire 25 S
oF [Insur. 26 S
n S I [expires.' 27 M
I S 6t S. af. 28T
M {Trinity9 NV
T Bastile 30 Th
5,W [d'stroy'd 31 F
6Th F.789

31 Days. o30 Days.
x S Lamm a 7 M Fredk. r T Batte of 16 W Moscow
2 S '9t S. af, S8 T [the Gt. 2 W [Sedan 17 T th [brt. 1812
3 M rTmity 9 W 1[d. 457 3 TIl [187o 1S F Battle of
4 T Prof. Ay Th Bl'kcock 4 F F.R'pub C9 S [Alma '54
5 W [to'nd.'65e F [shoot.b 5 S [dec .87n 2 S 6th S.a.
6Th Duke of 22 S [a. Trin. 6 S 04nl S. .21 M [Trinity
7 F [Edinbh. 23 S 2tAlSun. 7 M [Trinity 22 T Autumn
8 S [b. 1844 241 M Battle of 8 T Sebasto- 23 W [comim.
9 S o 5. af. 25 T [Mahsa. 9 W [pol t.'55 24 Th Ld. Har-
to M [Trinrty26 W [mehbe82 1o Th Tel-el-K. 25 F dingee
r T [1457 27 Th Sir Row. r F tkn. 882& 26 S [d. 1851
:2 W [printed 28 F [land Hil 12 S [Tr'iity 2 7 S 7't S. a
3 ThFirst bk. 29 S ,- 13 S 15thS. a.28 M [Tlricil
04 F 30 S 4 It WVelting- .9 T Mitina.
05 S [Tr 3iity 30M is 5 T [tond. 523o V [Da),
r6 S nit/ S. a. I _________

31 Days.
x ThiCamb. 7 S Trinioty
F :Mich.T.i S 2ot S. a
3 S [begins M9 M Dean
4 S .85S. a. C0 T [Swift
5 M [ Tri 21tya2 W [d. 1745
6 T IJen.Lind 22 Th Claimant
7 WI b. 1821 23 F releasedd
8Th'Gt. fire at 24 S [1884
9 F [Chicago's2 S ist S. a
oi S [187126 M [Trintity
C S 09 S. aft. 27 T Surrend'r
r2 M [Tri-ity 28 XW [of Metz
3 T Parnell 9 ITh [1870
r4W V inpr- 30 F Gamb'ta
l5 Th ,[soned3i I [b.838
.6 F 1 [188

30 Days. 31 Days.
S [saOdS. a. 6 M J. Bright T Princess 7 Th Gncot
SM [TErity 07 T b. IV [of Wales 8 F Gun-coton v.
3 T 8 W Fallos TI T b. 84419 S [1845
4 W Peabody 09 Th [Kars'77 4 F Carly1e 2a S 41h S. o
TIl [d. 1869 o F C'ckburn S [. T795a1 M [Advent
6 F Prf.awtC2I S [d. o880 6 S rdS. ora T Ship
S [cettd '84s2 S o5tt S.a. 7 M [.dvent 03 W [G ohath
8 B ardS. a0.13 MI [Trinitoy 8 T Vienna 24 Thb[bort'7
SId [Trinity 24 T Kno 9 eatre 5 F
1o T -mrsDa9y 25 W [d. 57 Io Thb [b'rt '81 26 S [Day.
XV WMartin- 26 Th Princess n F [d. 1757,27 S atS of
STh Charles 7 F [Dagmar S C. C bber 8' M [XA'mas.
3 F [RKemblea28 S [b. 1846 c rd S. it 29 T GI'dst'ne
4 S [d. 854 29 S I't S. l-, -I 1 vent,i!o' XV [b. 180I
5 S r4t.'S. 13o M [Advert i Walton'3t Th N. Year's
I [Trinitye \ .. 1 [d. r6831 I BEe

3z Days.
. S sSrr.in7 T S.Patr'k
2 M [Lent 18 W P. Louise
3 T r9 Tb [b. 1G8.
4 W disd,'20 F [o. 1871
Th [18772 S P. Louise
6, F hewell 22 S 5 Su-. r.
d7 S [. 1866 23 M [Lent
8 S B3Su4. 00004 T [Day
9 M [Len.5 IV Lady
.0 Y Prince oC;26( Th Dukec of
S[Wales'n7 F [Caob
x2 TI. [in. 0863028 S [b. 18C9
13 F Alex. tI. 29 S Palo'I
04 S [as., 188r 30 Id [SISrday
5s S 4 S-un. in 30 T Slave Tr
16 M I [Lent '[ab. ioaC


---- ------ :

-::fqjj\ qt--



ARTIST.-" What do they call the Squire here, my boy?" BOY.-" Yew won't tell, will yer?"
ARTIST (puzzled).-" Tell? Why, no Why should I?" Boy.-" Then, they calls un a old skinflinty bagabones."

A TERRIBLE tale of an Almanac it falls And exclaimed with joyfulness, "Rapture bliss! that date is on Tuesday next!"
to my lot to relate-
'Twill show that e'en Almanacs some- So, meantime, he went to a maiden aunt, (who lived many a league away,)
times play bigpartsin that drama Fate; To borrow the cash for the license and ring; and for days she compelled him
f' .t^ And, oh, if the tragical tale I tell should tostay.
cause even one to refrain No matter," thought he, "I will run up to town in time on the nuptial
From rashly perusing Almanacs, I shall momrn. [forlorn.
not have written in vain. Which he did ; but on reaching the church that day, he found himself all

My hero-a poor, but honest youth-
fell madly in love with Jane,
The daughter of Ellis Dee, Esq., a mer-
chant in Mincing Lane;
Blue were her eyes as cerulean skies,
and her locks were like burnished gold,
And her lips were as red as the blithe-
s some beet, and her form was of
beauteous mould.
She had thousands of suitors, as you may
guess, but none of them touched her
Not even the masher-like millionaire, Sir Chappye de Toothpickke, Bart.,
For why ? 'Twas because she had recently gazed on our hero, romantic youth,
And had vowed to her pa, that she "shouldn't and wouldn't wed anyone else,"
forsooth I
So she snubbed Sir C., and encouraged our friend, till there came an evening when
He implored her to "name the day," and she answered, "Make it November
He consulted an almanac when he got home-for hefeltsomewhat perplexed-

He waited and waited, but she came not;
so he rushed to her house, anon,
Crying, "Where is my bride?" And
her father replied, "On her honeymoon
she has gone."
"WHAT ? shrieked our hero. "Why,
yes," said pa; "olon the tenth you ar-
ranged to wed; i
So, yesterday, when you came not-in spite
-she married Sir Chappye instead."

"But the Ioth is Tuesday," exclaimed the
youth, "as you'll see by this Almanack /
here "
" Oho !" replied pa, "I perceive you have
got the Almanac for next year!"
Then down on the doorstep our hero sank,
with despair in his woeful glance,
And he cursed all Almanacs (save friend "FUN'S ") that are published so
much in advance.

JAN. 31 is the last day for dog licenses. So do not be infirm of pup-pose, MAY. I.-May-day-you are supposed to have made-'ay while the sun shone.
but reverently bow (wow !) to the Inland Revenue. MAY 24. FUN dines with Her Gracious ma-but no matter, many happy
FEB. .-Rod-fishing begins. Fancy, fishing for rods! they evidently are returns of the day, and long may She reign. Derby Day at hand. Life is
(r)od fish. FEn. 8. Half-quarter day. Of course, that is why it is an full of ups and downs; now the "Downs "prevail. TROPHONIUs begins to
eighth day. FEB. 14. St. Valentine. [It may not be very frosty on this get turbulent about this time. Back his tips in FUN, if you don't want
day, but it is sure to be r(b)ime-y.] o b town! [WecanInot allowzo tliesepersonalsinrs. Remainder ofcopy omitted.
MARCH I.-Fly-fishing begins. All anglers ought to be "fly" fishermen. Take a twelveuonth's noice-ED F A.
APRIL I.-AIl Fools' Day.. FUN keeps indoors, lest [cut outl as libellous.-ED.]



Hoar frost is merely frozen dew, he snowdrop bursts its leafy cell, Chickweed's silvery petals sprout, Gourmands walk around the mead,
Infants squeal, grimalkins mew, Toothache reigns, sweet faces swell, Girls chapped lips refuse to pout, To watch mint-saucy lambkins feed,
And cold water is wisely avoided- And rel herrings are very frequently ripe And the rammnest of rams feels chilly- And cooks are a good deal bullied in
in January. --n February. in March. April.

Cowslips peep, primroses grow,
Sweet soot the sweeps around us throw;
A-nd twins are very apt to appear unexpec-
tedly-in May.

Truants fish for sticklebacks,
Tutors deal out stinging whacks,
And crabs are worshipped by medical
men-in Tune.

Eels eat flounders, dace, and bleak,
Lute-voiced birds in leafage squeak,
Anl hungry lion-hunters thrive very
nicely-in July.

The music of the thunder's loud,
Old-fashioned gals still wear the cloud,
And young girls like Neapolitan ices im-
mensely-in August.

Grasshoppers' chirps ring o'er the ground, The sable pine swift rears its hsad, Tally-ho, tally-ho is a reasonable shout, Yule logs gleam, and so do ey es,
Joint-stock specs are sometimes sound Tramps oft fire some farmer's shed, Noses are tallowed ere the lights are out, Mistletoe comes with savoury pies,
And a balance at one's bankers is very And scorpions are seldom eaten curried And peppermint bull's-eyes are consumed And goat's-milk is digestible nourishment
handy-in September. -in October. with avidity-in November. for aged gentlemen-in December.


THE LADIES SANGAZUR (ensemble).--"Our hostess is rising, so we'll leave you !' HOST.-" So sorry "
'ARRY.-" Yas you'll leave us quite in mourning; we shall 'ave to go in for weeds ('ee-haw-haw !). In the words of the poet, 'Wait till
the clahds roll by, Jenny' ('ee-haw-haw-haw-haw !)" [Left exploding.

On Almanac Making. An Eccentric Error.
THOUGH on this task with zest you start, ON New Year's Day some vow that they'll be wise,
And show the most consummate art, And turning o'er new leaves they then commence.
You'll waste your force and wit; This is a foolish habit, I surmise-
And vain will be your toil and stress, For it is very plain to common sense
Unless you happen to possess- That thus full many a man himself deceives,
An alma-"knack" for it I For Spring's the time for turning o'er new leaves.
PROBABLY if 'Arry were asked what Sabbath in the year is most to his THE COMMONEST CAUSES OF "C. SICKNESS."-Custards, cream, and con-
liking, he would answer, "Low Sunday." fectionery.


FIRST QUARTER.-EDWIN. "If you think that Moselle is chilled, my dear, put it aside and Jarvis shall open another bottle."


Notes at the Ruskin Lectures.-One of the greatest of these pleasures is that of listening to Mr. Ruskin, and so say all of us.

Seasonable Flowers. A Positive Paradox (Comparatively Considered).
THE rose to wear at the Opera.-The front rows of the stalls. HERE'S a notion-you'll find it short,
The rose to wear at the breakfast table.-Cods'-roes. Indeed it could not be shorter :
The athlete's favourite rose.-The river rows. They say that two pints make a quart-
The fisherman's variety.-The "rows of Yarmouth. Yet one-fourth that amount is a quart-er.

To Find out the Duration of the "Dog Days" for 1885. PREPARING FOR A RAINY DAY.-Watching for St. Swithin's.
ASCERTAIN the number of dogs in the country on 3rd July, and the total Sharpened Old Saws.
(seeing that every dog has his day ") will give the required information. A STITCH in Time is enough to make the old gentleman go more slowly.
Make your hay when the Silo is ready for its reception.
HOW TO ALWAYS HAVE "REAL JAM."-Take a house surrounded by pre- Even the worm will "turn" if you can make a lathe small enough for it to
serves." turn with.


SECOND QUARTER.-ANGELINA. "I hope the pudding is all right to-day, dear; the milkman came so late, I'd hardly time to make it."



,:pu 0'! I',

i// /


i /






I LH '


\i ~ CH4("EY,




; VV-L/ -W U N L -[ K We wonder if her gracious Majesty will find employment for her
valuable time as Presidentess of the Divorce Court; if Mrs. W*ld*n will
be happy; if Irving will tear his hair, and Wilson Barrett find another
sixpence, and what the Immortal William will think of it all; if female
sandwiches will perambulate the streets, advertising their wares.

wonderr if a pathetic appeal will be made to the public for a
e income for a pretty little Prince, and we wonder if he will get
is true that a marriage is likely to be arranged between H.R.H.
s M-y A-n or Miss F- e, and if the British tax-payer is
benefit thereby.

We wonder it Lord M- s B- d will try another game at Bowles;
if Lord Mayor Nottage will take any more "negatives of Mr. Gladstone;
if we will send any of our professional lovelinesses to the International
Beauty Show; and we wonder if we shall see the last of the Barons this
vear or ever.



\ ''

L"-l 71,70


k,Xl % \






2_jd :-i,-




KATE-Capture of a real live nobleman, who turned out to be an JACK (Alpine Climbist)-A tumble and-two wooden legs.
East-end counter-jumper. JINKS (Yachtist)-Mal de mer.
FRANK--Wettings and whackings. MRs. J.-Ditto, and profound disbelief in Mr. J.
MAMMA-Bad temper. JIM (Bicyclist)-Smashed machine and collar-bone.
PAPA-Empty pockets and rheumatism for life. 'ENERY-Increased smoke, billiards, and B. and S.
BUTTONs-Nothing from nobody. MRS. CODDLE-Norfolk Howards and squalling babies.
CHARLES (Shoolisl)-Loss of one eye and other trifles. Etc. etc. etc.

Not all Given.
WE have a grievance againstt old Time, 'tis clear-
And this 'tis now a fitting time to vent;
Allow me then to mention to all here,
Time never gives the full amount of year,
Because some forty days of it are Lent.

Eome Chronological Problems.
GIVEN the four quarter days-to fini what are the hind-qaarter ones.
Given a Leap-year-to find how far it leapt.
Given that Lady Day falls on the 25th of March-to find what bones her lady-
ship brokc. -- -
LOFTY LODGINGS.-The moon's "quarters."



THIRD QUARTER.-EDwlN. "Just met George, dear, and borrowed a bob, so here's some slices of ham for supper.
ANGELINA. Oh, I'm so glad-one does get so tired of bread and cheese."




I. "Wishing you a happy new yearar" 2. Christmas Eves. 3. Christmas weights.
5. A Christmas diner. 6. The mistletoe bow.

4. A Christmas din-ner.

Due Know?
POETS speak of the "falling dew," with glee.
And of it they take a romantic view ;
But the best sort of falling dew, you '11 agree,
Is when you find dividends "falling due."

THE BEST CALENDAR MONTH.-That in which FUN Almanac appears.

Very sappy young persons would seem to appeal?
In numerous lots pretty soon in the year.
I don't think this notion is much a mistake,
For e'en by Jan. 6 you will find the Twelfth "-Cake."

THE SPORT FOR "ALL THE YEAR ROUND."-All-the-year."'Rounders."

v, IIA 111 illlll illllllll ill/ illl llllli Hilri'liUtlillil liliiii I li ,.k a iihni'n aa m mniniiil/ arln i




With sketches of the Gentle Sex
Our artist does our mind perplex ;
Yon centre belle, in bright array,
Sad havoc with all Learti would play--
While yonder grim and ancient dames
Are "dampers" to Love's flickering flames I

Yon girl who dances isn't "green" ;
But she who won't is "blue," I ween.
While the married lady looks more bright
Taan does the spinster opposite :
As wedlock's then the happier state,
There here is scope to choose a mate.

Apart from yon majestic flirt
Are several who'd make Love alert;
To wit: that mischievous sly belle,
That damsel so demure as well,
And those athletic nymphs-each one
Has gained the heart of Mr. FUN.



"Won't let you into the theatre nowadays, poor little thing?" said FUN, patting the head of the poor little outcast. "Come with me; we'll see if I can't get you in.

iI; .. ,,^ .t i- i'.Ih i i ,,

"What? mustn't bring in my little friend with me?" asked FUN, indignantly. "Extremely sorry," replied the management; "but we do not admit any HISS into the theatre now."
SOh 1" said FUN, "I was under the impression that Britons never should be slaves but I find I must go home and dress myself properly for the theatre.'

"What's this ?" said he, returning. "Why, only my theatre-going costume. The boy has a slave whip, and thumbscrews, and a gag in the bag, in case you should require 'em
for me or any others of the audience."


ALGERNON (of the Guards, to his COQUETTISH COUSIN, whom he has just met).-" I called
at your house last night, and waited ever so long. Wherever did you get to ? "
C. C.-" Oh, we went to the Cattle Show, and couldn't tear ourselves away from those
dear, delightful, fat sheep. I had no time to think of young officers, sir !"
ALGERNON.-" Ah, the poet was right then, for once, 'The "pen" was mightier than
the sword.'" [But she was only teasing him.

Unrivalled for obtaining at the shortest notice a considerable
number of duplicates of writing, plans, music, &c., in inde-
lible black. No press, no washing off, no melting required.
Those having hitherto used the ELECTRIC PEN, the
TRYPOGRAPH, the HEKTOGRAPH, &c., are respect-
fully invited to see the process at the
16 Queen Victoria Street, Bank, London, E.C.
Specimens Price Lists, ad Copies of Testimonials, sent free on
worked by a lady or an office boy.


THE barque of State, held together by marine glue,
will be carefully steered through treacherous shoals. East-
end sausages will be served out to the police in the place
of revolvers. Used as boomerangs, and thrown with ac-
curacy at the face, they are much more deadly in their
effects than firearms. FEBRUARY.
MANY fruitless efforts will be made to cure smoky
chimneys and catarrhs. Pheasant and partridge shooting
will not end on the first of this month, nor on the twenty-
eighth either. Shrovetide will appear at London Bridge
and elsewhere, as usual.
MORE than one eviction in Ireland will take place.
Terrific outbursts of Arrah I Bedad Shure Be jabers !
and Och, murder will be heard in would Erin. At least
two Frenchmen will continue to hold soap and water in
supreme contempt. APRIL.
FAR-SIGHTED persons will chatter about political events
to barbers, and afterwards be advised to use specifics for
baldness at top by their patient listeners. Gentlemen
nightingales will arrive every morning; moths will appear
each night. MAY.
EPSOM assaultss will occur frequently. Macaroni will
be eaten with relish in Italy, and a rich old lady will dis-
appoint her relatives by not quite choking herself with a
farinaceous tube. A prisoner will inform a London ma-
gistrate that he can do his sentence on his head.
FARMERS will grumble that Dame Nature is a decep-
tive flirt. Shepherds will use parliamentary language at
their lot, and viciously prod the ewes that lose their
lambkins. A number of young people will suffer from
hidden spikes of hayrakes.
SEVERAL Socialists will settle the affairs of Europe in
Soho. Absinthe will settle the affairs of several Socialists
in Soho. Summer burglars will take pleasant walks
round the squares to sniff the flowers, and find out what
families have left town.
AMERICAN oysters will be pronounced to be rather
better than English natives by those who cannot afford to
eat the latter. Cooks, housemaids, and scullerymaids
will ride in their mistresses' carriages. Trunks will be
stolen at continental stations. Foreign landlords will
chuckle at Milors."
YOUNG men who have settled down will become ner-
vous at finding bills have to be settled up on Quarter-day.
Geese and gourmands will be stuffed. Partridges will be
shot by politicians. Gladstone bags will be made-and
lost. OCTOBER.
WIVES will make confidants of their husbands that
new Winter bonnets and sealskin jackets must be thought
about. Domestic storms-brewing will be hailed with joy
by maid-servants, who will, of course, side with missus."
Mellowness will become apparent in fruits-and civic
authorities. NOVEMBER.
Mal-de-mer will struggle for supremacy with gambling
on ocean-bound steamers. Purses will be missed in public
conveyances, wrong people will be accused of theft, and
personalities will ensue.
MANY happy New Years will be wished by mortal
enemies to each other, with strong mental reservations.
Poulterers, and police magistrates will become unusually
busy. Robins will devolve excessive friendliness, and
dustmen extreme attention.

I the Consumer." (Regd.)

.- ~ Will, on receipt of letter 1t 4
or post card, promptly
forward, post-free a Sample Parcel of Patterns, vA P N y
with prices of all their Leading Novelties
for the Autumn and Winter Season. New
Styles at Prices to suit allPurses. Carriage paid to any part of the Kingdom on BRAD 0PD,
all orders over Z in value. The Century Cashmeres, as exhibited by the B. M. Co. at the B R .FD
Health Exhibition, are in ever increasing demand. Also send for Patterns of Pure Heart
Calicoes. Be sure and address infull. Write at once, and mention Fun Almanac YORKSHIRE.


JULY 2, 884. F N. I

THERE was a fatherly expression of benevolence on the face of
Mr. FUN as a tastefully-dressed maiden wandered into his sanctum,
and placed her delicate white fingers in the jester's brawny hand.
" Take off your bonnet, my dear, and make yourself at home," he
whispered, as he pressed her sweet almond nails to his lips, and
hammered away at them gently.
I strolled in to ask a few questions, and not to have my fingers
excoriated by your moustache," said the damsel in a coy way. Can
you inform me, for instance, whether the state apartments of Windsor
Castle are closed to the public because the bailiffs are in possession
there ? Is it .true that Prince Albert Victor is so clever that he is
likely, to learn the fastest German studential manner of imbibing beer
and fighting duels during the short space of two months' instruction
at Heidelberg? I wish to know if the illness of the late Prince
Alexander of Holland was caused by the fact of his keeping sixty
parrots in his bed-room or not ? And really, now, do you consider
the rumour that Madame Sarah Bernhardt is going to play Juliet to
Mr. John Toole's Romeo to be a correct one ? You can calm my
inquisitive sufferings by answering these few inquiries, kind sir."
"Tranquillise yourself, my darling young lady," returned Mr.
FuN. "I will answer all you wish in the course of a few months.
Rest assured that most reports ate untruthful; but comfort yourself
for the present by learning this veracious statement-viz., that half
a million wise saw-mills are successfully driven by the refined, floating,
ocular mixture which runs gaily over society from my laboratory."
Pet jokist," returned the lady enthusiastically, I believe you.
Society should be thankful for the


VOL. KL.-NO. 999.




handed parlourmaids who
make up Mr. Wyndham's
numbered visitors and their
seats into symmetrical pairs
\ must have been thankful the
other night when the curtain
rose on Featherbrain (Mr.
Albery's version of T/te de
Linotte). There was a full
house, which seemed to arrive
all at once; and it must have
been a great relief to those
young ladies when they could
shut us all in and, retiring to
some convenient staircase, sit
in a thorough draught and
pant. _

No sooner had we settled
into our fair, pale seats in the
THE CRITHRION.-THE PRETTY LITTLE Gilded Grotto of Piccadilly-
YANKEE DOODLE WHO CAME TO TOWN, and, oh I Messrs. Spiers and
AND DECIDEDLY PUT A FEATHER IN- HER Pond, surely your lady visitors
CAP. hate you with a bitter hate
for providing them with such a
destructive background to their faces and finery !-than we found our-
selves in possession of a baffling document of a deep, dark sepia-green,
on which were imprinted characters in gold. In time, and by process
of laborious experiment, it was discovered that these characters were
decipherable by kitchin' 'em sideways against the light. They proved
to be the characters in the play.

Much "kitchin'" sideways, however, is provocative of a squint, and
conducive to a crick in the neck; so, in order to avoid risk of accidents,
I learned mine by heart, and placed it for safety in my tail pocket, where
I promptly sat upon and crushed it into a shapeless mass. In this con-
dition I found I could read it much easier than at first.

We were a good deal behind time in commencing, and the pit found
it necessary to keep their feet warm pretty often. It took about two
minutes, however, when the curtain did go up to discover the usual
weakening of motive in process of translation (although personally I
don't care two pins for the motive in these pieces; and I don't think it
matters, if it only results in plenty of fun). Another quarter of an hour
or so-during which we have some smart lines and funny incidents-
reveals unmistakably that the clever Mr. Mackintosh is entirely out of
his element, and that the new-come American actress, Miss Marie
Jansen, is a petite and pleasing lady with delicate comedy at her finger-
ends, who, for want of the keynote, is playing ineffectively.

Miss Rose Saker is the next interesting incident, and soft voices around
whisper as she appears, It's a pretty dress." I'll describe it. It's
mostly blue, with life-size roses sparsely distributed over its surface; it
wraps obliquely in a pleaty way over the chest, half concealing what
looks like a black velvet shirt-front, and meeting, at the right side of the
waist, the usual
pointed and pleated
apron and lateral
bunch. Black velvet

Things are begin-
ning to get a bit
tame (although A
Blakeley has told, in
that way of his, you '
know, a comical
story of a lady fas-
tening a "tall" boot) -
when Marius ap-
pears, and we sit up. -
He's the right man
in the right place, / / / I _
is pretty much on a
par with the rest for humour, he plays it with a breezy zest that distances
all competitors and makes us that hot laughing I

After a wait of Spiers and Pondian duration we come to the second
act-a piece of bewilderment best summed up in the word "stairs."
the complications here are wonderfully ingenious and wildly funny, but

there is a want of "go" about it somehow-my goodness I why didn't
Wyndham play in it himself ?-for a night or two, at any rate.

There is a deal of running up and downstairs and getting into wrong
rooms-principally to the financial benefit of an unseen lady phrenologist,
-and a mixing-up of wives and tenants and visitors. Miss Norreys
plays a milliner's assistant very unnaturally, a tall American lady im-
personates that character, with perfect success, and Miss Saker slips
and hurts her foot.

The last act performs the duty of last acts, and settles matters satis-
factorily-including causing me to miss my last train-and the curtain
falls to a mixed verdict. Shorn of the inevitable excrescences and played
by the right people, the piece is quite funny enough and quite strong
enough to make a success-but it has the drawback of its first night to
pull up against now.

THE GRAND.-A piece called The Unknown was produced here while
I was at the Criterion, so to me it is nothing but the unknown as yet-
next week I hope to have something to say to it.

GREAT ST. JAMES'S HALL.-Mr. Maccabe also seized the same
opportunity of my back being turned to reintroduce after many years his
entertainment Begone Dull Care. But I know it of old, and I mean to
see it again some day; meantime, those who went (or some of them) tell
me that he has lost none of his cunning, and can truthfully exclaim with
the Laureate,
"All my many imitators (for these characters are mine)
Are as moonlight unto sunlight, and as water unto wine."
Mr. Maccabe is an observer and an actor, and does not do his charac-
terization at secondhand.
THE AVENUE.-Mr. James Mortimer's farcical comedy, Gammon
which was
played at the
one summer's
morn but two
short years
ago, and very
wellreceived, I s
has been put
into the bill
here in con-
junction with
"an entirely
new hpropos
trave.sti e, yu
called The
or, A Trip
to Margate, by Messrs. J. M. Banero and W. D. Pincroft. I was un-
fortunately earning my living, a thing I seldom allow myself to do, on
the evening of their production, and have not yet seen them, but I
know the former to be a sufficiently funny production, and the latter has
a subject with scope and promise of endless comicalities-it may do
useful work, too, in aiming the shaft of ridicule at the system of
carving a classic to fit upholstery-the modern development of the
Crummle's tub and pump. I hope to see both these pieces anon, so no
more at present from yours truly.

Our artist has sent one of his sweetly fanciful sketches on the subject,
though. He says "the majestic back view in the foreground will be
readily recognized. Some doubt, however, may hover around the
smaller front view in the background. This figure is allegorical, and
represents the combined personalities of Messrs. Mortimer, Dowty, and
Lee Balmaine." I don't know what he means by "combined per-
sonalities," but I am sure neither of the gentlemen named would be
rude to anybody.
NODS AND WINKs.-About the middle of this month-as near the
centre of it as possible, in fact-Mr. Charles Kelly will have a compli-
mentary benefit given to him at a West End theatre." Think of that I!
How romantic-Kelly things happen, to be sure.-The production of
Twelfth Night is postponed till next Tuesday.-Mr. Cecil Beryl says
that he and Mr. Rogers witnessed the performance of My Sweetheart at
West Hartlepool one evening, and "applauded from beginning to end."
This noble self-sacrifice of the two managers in the exercise of their duty
to their own wares leaves one in pleasing doubt whether to admire the
continued effort of an evening most for its genial modesty, or as a speci-
men of physical endurance.-Miss Jennie Lee has been playing in The
Ticket of Leave Man. at Adelaide (Australia). She called the piece
Sam! He I he I-Messrs. Willie Edouin and Lionel Brough will have
charge of Toole's during September (they've been there together before!)
and produce Mr. Paulton's Babes. NESTOR.

JULY 2, I884.

2 FUN.

JULY 2, 1884. FU N 3

GENIUS alone could have succeeded in straining the law in the direc-
tion of futility so thoroughly as Mr. Hannay-supposing him to be cor-
rectly reported-did the other day at Worship Street.
Most of our laws are sufficiently clumsily drawn to warrant the in-
ference that they are loopholed in anticipation of future combats (the loop-
holes, mark you, always serving the turn of the assaulters instead of the
defenders); but, with the aptitude of some of our magistrates for widening
a loophole until it is hardly distinguishable byunskilled eyes fromabreach,
the drawbridge might be lowered at once, and much trouble saved by
surrender. A summons having been taken by the Metropolitan Board
of Works to prevent the erection of houses upon the site of a burial
ground-in which twenty thousand persons, including "an immense
number of victims of cholera, had been buried:--Mr. Hannay gave his
remarkable opinion in this fashion:-" He had, after much considera-
tion, come to the conclusion that the bye-law under which these pro-
ceedings were taken was intended to apply to a state of things altogether
different from that shown in the facts before him. The actual offence
contemplated, he thought, was building upon a site which had been filled
up, or covered, with material impregnated with obnoxious matters ; and
it was asked, could a dead body be described as material mixed or im-
pregnated with animal matter' ? (But the coffins could, as Mr. Besley
had said.) "The bye-law was evidently intended to apply to instances
where artificial rubbish"-(not coffins, though; coffins being the product
of nature)-" impregnated with injurious matter, had been employed for
the foundations of houses or buildings. That would be so where dead
cats"-(only cats, mind you; not dogs or any other bodies)-" cabbage-
stalks, and other fetid substances becoming mixed with the common
rubbish and earth "-(but not decayed wood)-" were thrown in to level
the site as a foundation. If, after that, houses were built upon the place,
then there would be an offence which the bye-laws were drawn up to
meet. He agreed with the counsel for the defence as to the proper
definition of the term 'foundation' being that given "-(apparently "the
space between the surface and the bottom of the foundation;" these being
the reported words of the counsel). The application of the
bye-law to the case was perfectly impracticable."
So we glean that Mr. Hannay's opinions on the subject are as follow:-
I. A house may be built upon any obnoxious matter, provided the
placer of the obnoxious matter did not say to himself when placing it,
"I place this here to be built upon."
2. The "obnoxious matter" must, in order to come within the Act,
be mixed with unobnoxious matter: unameliorated obnoxious matter
doesn't matter.
3. Decayed coffins are not "artificial rubbish."
4. Anything dead, to be noxious, must be a cat.
5. The "foundation" is "the space between the surface and the
bottom of the foundation;" though whether that means the bottom of
itself or of some other foundation which is not the foundation to be
defined, is not explained.
6. And, finally, the law was intended to be useless; and its intentions
ought to be carried out.

Reckless Rosebery's Revolt.
UPON many a noble visage there was awful consternation
What time the reckless Rosebery declared that there was need
Of improvement in the House of Lords (the home of legislation),
Yea, many deemed the noble earl a mutineer indeed I
Why, certain titled fossils with excitement fairly quivered,
Salt tears suffused their optics, and with sighs their bosoms heaved,
As the wicked earl so coolly his irreverent speech delivered,
Ah, it seemed as though their eyes and ears could scarcely be believed.
He dared to hint the Peers were not sufficiently respected,
That they had slept instead of toiled, and so had not gained fame,
He reviled the regular absentees," who have their tasks neglected,
And yet the reckless Rosebery betrayed no blush of shame !
He declared their ways were not beloved by popular opinion,
And that the Peers should labour more and thus win greater pow'r,
Good gracious I who works harder, pray, in Industry's dominion,
Why, oftentimes their sittings last for nearly half an hour I
But by Salisbury, etcetera, was the Upper House defended
Lord S. declared the Commons never worked, but only talked.
So Rosebery's nefariousness was very quickly ended
And the other lords rejoiced to see his vile endeavours balked.
But so great was the excitement 'mongst these kings of legislation,
That when rushing off to vote against the motion Rosebery moved,
Some into the wrong lobby went-and all through agitation,
At finding one who dared to say the Peers could be improved I

A NEW JOURNAL, called The Honeymoon, is being brought out monthly
in Belgium. We presume its editor and staff will all be Hy-men.

New Cu ate (to Pew-opener).-" Do YOU HAVE MATINS HERE

For Our American Cousins.
IT appears that a considerable number of Americans are averse to the
candidature of Mr. Blaine for the Presidency of the United States.
To FUN this one notion is plain
That if Yankees from voting refrain,
With the pain of defeat they willfill Blaine,
For if their support they withhold,
'Twill leave him right out in the cold.
And make Mr. Blaine quite a Chill-Blaine.

A Liberal Offer.
THAT what is enough for one is enough for two is a well-known
maxim with which parties anxious for a precipitate rush into matrimonial
felicity lay to their souls an encouraging unction. An "Old Colonist,"
who advertises in the daily papers, goes somewhat further than this.
He is prepared to take out with him to Canada "selected parties of
gentlemen, who are treated as one of thefamily, as farm pupils or farmers,
at premiums," &c.
The notion of treating a party of gentlemen, even with a limit to their
number, as one of a family is, to say the least, comprehensive. We
suppose the party of gentlemen share together the rations of a single
member of the Old Colonist's domestic circle, and enjoy the advantages
of one common sleeping and toilet accommodation. It does not appear
that the advertiser's terms are so inclusive as to provide his parties" with
raiment. Possibly not, as it would certainly be inconvenient for a
number of young gentlemen to be put collectively on the footing of one
of a family in the matter of personal attire. As a principle of economy,
however, the proposal of the worthy colonist deserves a respectful con-
sideration; and no doubt many a thrifty paterfamilias in this country
will be anxious to learn the secret of his system before he goes away.

So far as we can judge, Middlesex has done nothing deserving corporal
punishment, and yet the Liberal electors there are endeavouring to
Caine it.


TULY 2, 1884.

MR. O'BRIEN, M.P., recently stated "that Parliament was like Purgatory; it was a state of punishment through which the Irish Nationalists
must pass to earn the earthly Paradise of National Independence."

The Purgatory of the British Parliament.

The Paradise of Irish National Independence.

SOME very interesting experiments in clairvoyance (unanimously con-
sidered to put the recent thought-reading, and muscle-reading deeds,
and the second-sightedness of the pit-boy "Dick," completely in the
shade) took place the other day at South Kensington.
The scene of the experiments was gained by entering the third door
on the left in the Exhibition Road, proceeding from South Kensington
The experiments, which were conducted by Mr. Average Perception,
had for their object the discovery of the place of concealment of the
application to health in the Health Exhibition. The demonstrator, Mr.
Average Perception, began by frankly stating that, although he enjoyed
the power of seeing as far through a brick wall as most persons, he had
as yet failed in all his attempts to hit upon the object which they had
met that day to unearth. He then cast his eye round the room in search
of a sensitive subject," and finally begged his friend, the British Public,
to "assist."
The British Public declared that it had been striving for several weeks
to discover the thing which formed the subject of their present inquiries,
but without anything approaching success. However, he considered it
his duty to make a further attempt. Mr. Average Intelligence was then
carefully blindfolded by Mr. Incongruity on behalf of the Exhibition,
and connected by means of a bit of copper wire with the British Public.
The former at once began to dart about wildly all over the place, banging
his head with his fist, running his fingers through his hair, and tapping
his forehead. Suddenly he made a dart at a sweetstuff stall, and
screamed "Here!" The committee hastily conferred together as to
whether the guess could be considered as a success; but it was at once
decided that health would be likely to be as far from sweetstuff as the
extent of the building would allow.
The medium then darted at an ornamental beer-barrel, but the medical
man on the committee promptly pronounced this a failure also.
Still wildly plunging along, the medium led his subject out into the
grounds, laid his hand on the band performing in the kiosque, and
screamed, "I've hit it I" The committee, however, failed to see the
connection between the band and health ; and the search was resumed.
This time the medium made straight for the coloured lanterns, and
shouted, "Found at last!" This, however, being adjudged as great a
failure as any of the previous attempts, the medium rushed back into
the building, and clutched at the tinned meats from America and else-
where. Again there ensued a hasty discussion on the connection between
tinned meats and health, and the committee decided that it was not very
clear. It now became apparent that Mr. Average Perception had
reached the end of his powers: he clutched at his considering cap,
writhed, and finally, with a sudden and loud yell of despair, tore off the
bandages from his eyes.
"I give it up," he moaned, sinking down on a cow in thedairy; "it's
one too many for me."
"Would you allow me to make a trial in your place?" asked a party
of the name of Superhuman Acuteness. He was then blindfolded as the
other had been, and (after a toilsome search of a week or so) made a
wild bound in the air.
"I've hit it I" he yelled.
In breathless attention the spectators gathered round him.

"Nobody short of me could have done it," he said. "Average Per-
ception wasn't in it. The only application to health in this Exhibition
lies in- "
Yes?" we all screamed.
"In the amount of mental and physical exercise you have to take in
trying to find it," he said. He had hit it.

The Coming Revival.
MY DARLING OLD MADGE,-Have you heard the good news ?
MAy feelings are nearly seraphic,
For joy I was ready to leap from my shoes
When I read those remarks in the Graphic.
To think that lawn tennis, for which all the world
Has shown such a wonderful passion,
Will soon from its haughty position be hurl'd,
And croquet return into fashion!
I never cared much for lawn tennis, you know,
Though the Blake girls were always enraptured;
If you're not a crack player its dreadfully slow,
And very few men have been captured.
You haven't a chance if you wanted to flirt,
(Which I never should, though I say it),
And the men have become so absurdly expert,
That there isn't much fun if you play it.
The Blakes regard croquet with scorn, but you see,
However, at tennis they're stretching
Or twisting or running, or doing all three,
They always look pretty and fetching.
I puff and get red-don't look pretty at all-
(Like a lobster to put the thing plainly)
And when I go dodging about for the ball,
I do look so very ungainly.
But croquet's another affair, so dear Madge
Make haste with your annual visit;
We'll try to get Charlie to offer a badge,-
The look-out 's not bad for us, is it ?
At tennis the Blakes may be-Bob calls it "fit,"
(Though pray don't suppose that it rankles 1)
But croquet's a game, as I think you '11 admit,
For girls with small feet and neat ankles.
So bring some nice dresses, and I and the cob
Will meet the down train from the City;
We '11 practise all day, dear, with Charlie and Bob,
And if we don't score it's a pity I
With balls and with mallets (we've got a new set),
I think 'twill be your day and my day.
So no more till we meet from
Your Cousin,
The Owlery, Ilkeston, Friday.

JULY 2, 1884. F U N 5

A FRIEND of ours is sadly afflicted by swarms of flies, which flit
about his palatial mansion in a most free and uneasy way, virulently
attacking every-
rbody and every-
thing; nothing
escapes their at-
tention -tboy in
buttons, butter,
baby; all suffer.
Now, though
generally stinging
and worrying all
S the members of
his household im-
p h b partially, these
pests would seem
to have taken a particular penchant for the end of our friend's nose
during the night; their continuous visits causing him insomnia, lassi-
tude, dyspepsia, and incapacity for work. Awake during the dead
hours-hours silent, save for the buzz and hum of flies, and the unsup-
pressed language of an injured man, our friend rises in the morning
unrefreshed; jaded he dashes to his office, makes grim blunders on the
Stock Exchange during the day, and returns home charged up with
melancholia to eat a dinner sauced by flies, and sauced with flies.
Yearning the other day to get rid of the tormentors at all cost, he dis-
patched the boy in buttons to the family oilman, with instructions to
purchase a ream of the good old-fashioned "catch-'em-alive papers.
The page returned trembling violently, and in an awe-stricken voice
remarked, "Please, sir, Mr. Mops ses he don't sell no 'ketch-'em-
halivers' hany longer, for it's wicked, he think, to torcher hinnercent
insex; and he go'ed on horful agin cruelty to flies in particular, and
sed people as done sich, must have 'arts of stone." Our friend felt
the reproof, for he knows that Mr. Mops is a clever man of tact, who
does his duty tenderly towards society by going with the spirit of the
times; especially in having a business-like fire every few years-invariably
gaining his insurance and losing a child or two on such occasions.

THE judgment of that dirt-throwing journal the DRiublic Franfaise
does not appear to mature with age; for it misses its mark more
frequently than ever when shooting muddy refuse at the British nation.
Our peers, paupers, red republicans, unread republicans, liberals, con-
servatives, savants and sausage-sellers, all fervently wish that our Gallic
neighbours were wallowing in the Egyptian enjoyments and advantages,
in which the Rwpublic tranfaise perpetually persists perfidious Albion

THAT Dual Control should have been called the Duel Control-for
it meant a struggle for supremacy between John Bull and Mossoo. The
latter not being able, or not caring, to "come up to time" when called
upon by his backers and seconds, retired sneakily from the field.

LA BELLE FRANCE now dearly wishes to pose and repose in the
Egyptian manger, after the manner of the selfish, snarling, fabulous
dog; it might be wise to be vindictive and let her snatch the bone of
contention away.

LITTLE RANDY-PANDY cannot find out yet what kind of Parliament
exists in Russia. Well I Randolph, let us tell you. The Nihilist
members represent the people there, and you should admire them, for they
possess wasp-like energy, and their measures, though not laudable, are
strong, while their speeches excel any of yours in trenchant fiery abuse
-but don't blow us up for saying so.

A YOUNG lady of title, who recently visited a fashionable photo-
grapher's, thought that her damask cheeks were too thin to come out
fetchingly in a likeness; therefore, after being placed into position with
the head-rest well screwed into the back of her neck, my lady
padded up her face with French sweets. Only a second before the critical
operation came off one side of her "goody" pads melted and touched
upon a hollow tooth, and just as the camera's instantaneous mysteries
embraced her features, the other side slipped down her throat. The
Dook (her pa) clenched his hands in mute agony as he gazed upon the
proof of his daughter's likeness. He said it reminded him of the Duchess
when in a rage.

THE startling suddenness of a recent death from hydrophobia seems
to have had a terrible effect upon certain people's nerves. Some persons
evidently would desire victims in such cases to linger a few days in
horrible convulsions and torture, in preference to their departing rapidly.
If the victims had a voice in the matter, though, they might choose an
abrupt "peg out."

NEW SERIES, No. 28. Air-" Coming Home from MAeeting."
VER thereinFleet
Street, stands
a chair and
As lonely as

can be ;
Far away their
attitude gro-
Is plunging in
the deep
blue sea.
Clerks are in the
City broiling

S And driving of
the grey
goose quill;
While M.P.sput
I their ques-
tions, as ever
they have
And do their best to whip poor Will. done,
Whip poor Will !
Whip poor Will I
Whip poor Will! I
Oh 1 its merry at the sea-side, and merry in the town,
And merry on the purple-coated hill;
Oh it's little Members reck of it-they do not care a brown
As long as they can whip poor Will.
Fancy Fairs may open-costume of the past,
Scenery, and all complete;
Frenchmen on Monaco vengeful eye may cast,
Where they've often borne defeat;
The elegant O'Brien may chatter, and be fined;
And Spurgeon may his fifty years fulfil;
But oh! the merry Member doesn't seem to mind,
If only he can whip poor Will.
Whip poor Will!
Whip poor Will!
Whip poor Will!
Oh I it's no Select Committee shall sit upon the Lords,
And lessons as to usefulness instil;
Oh! it's nothing half so useful the range of things affords
As trying hard to whip poor Will.
Freedom of the City Shaftesbury receives-
Ev'rybody says, "Hooray !"
Water in the river, Twickenham believes,
Will pretty soon be all away;
Parties sending papers bound for foreign parts,
Say their friends receive just nil;
But Members only, meanwhile, exercise their arts,
Endeavouring to whip poor Will.
Whip poor Will!
Whip poor Will
Whip poor Will !
Oh! it's merry in the ocean, merry in the sea-
We revel in the briny'un our fill;
But oh! those nagging Members, how weary they must be
Endeavouring to whip poor Will.
Cholera in Toulon's giving 'em a scare
(We trust they may be soon released);
The Park Club's judged illegal-a verdict right and fair-
And our respect of justice is increased;
Some one say that scouts at 'Varsitys purloin,
And one of them defends himself with skill;
But there are all those Members, who'd spend their final coin,
If only they could whip poor Will.
Whip poor Will I
Whip poor Will!
Whip poor Will!
Oh I it's hearty is the laughter, entrancing is the glee,
And whistling is derisive as it's shrill,
To think that sundry Members so innocent should be,
And fancy they could whip poor Will I


6 FUN JULY 2, 1884.


But one day the Vestryman awoke from his long torpidity, and yawned. And stretched himself.

Perfectly daz d, the Ratepayer saw the long disused water-carts come out and lay the long unmolested dust; saw the streets cleaned, the purposeless hoardings
removed the morasses in the pavement filledupI Like one in a wild dream he met the Vestrman at every corner, inquiring what else he could have the pleasure of
doing for his comfort I Suddenly the Ratepayer saw the reason of it all-there were new posters about that explained it.

FI'UN.-JULY 2, 1884.


-~ U



a L)


(See Cartoon.)
THE sociable is an ingenious thing,
As fit for a commoner as for a king;
'Twill carry a couple,
Sufficiently supple
Its cycles to trundle,
As well as a bundle
Attached by a strap or a string.
Now brave Mr. Gladstone proposes a ride
On this festive machine, with a money-bag tied
To its frame, for diversion,
To make an excursion
Of lengthy duration,
In fraternization
With Egypt, who sits by his side.
But this danger exists in a sociable spree-
It is all very nice while the parties agree;
But if one should grow lazy,
The' other grows crazy,
Then follows a squabble,
They get in a hobble,
And such things ought not so to be.

Major Vernon (to the Ladihs, sotto voce).-" OH, YES, IT'S BOFFIN, THE AWFULLY RICH BONE-BOILER: HE'S-BUT HUS-SS-S-H I-HE'S

Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
EXPERENSE iz the skool to which boath man and beest go to be tort.
The man who wood skorn to ask a favur of a woman iz not wurthy
to liv.
Owr rizabul fakulty iz an arbitrairy kuss. Thare iz nothing park-
kulerly humerus or wity abowt a man or a women getting intu a fule bus
and stumblen over the leggs ov hiz or her fello-passengers; but whenever
this iz dun, the larfter is pronownsed yet subdewed.
Konshense, dewty, and kompulshun are the pigdrivers of hewmanity.
When ten men fale in bizziness, nine poot it down to the rong korz.
Wen I feel the furst kold breth ov winter on mi cheek I think of the
The pomgranet is the sweatest frute, and the wornet the sweatest nut
in kreashun ; yet the kernels of ech air assoshiated with a most bitter
elemant-like life, wen we larf wun minnet to kry the next.
- It iz best tew liv in the far-orf futcher, for to-morrer mai be sed to
have parst before to-day iz yet opened.
A reddy market meens a full purse.
Whenever I am told a man iz striktly honoreble, I orlwais arsk
unkonshusly, How mutch haz he bin trusted with ? "
The truth iz a tenth part of whot we sea, and a hundreth ov whot we
Gowld to-day iz often silver tew-morrow, brass the next, ion the
iollowin, and dross the suxessive.
When yew hev an interview tew kum orf, prepare yewrself for the
okkazhun, and yewr speech for the man.
Thair iz no okkazhun to withdror what haz not bin sed, and no hope
to recall whot haz. A once-published wurd, gud or bad, gros long in
the rutes.

ACCORDING to a weekly paper, Queen Anne is not only dead, but
her effigy at St. Paul's is to share a similar fate to that of the Duke of
Wellington, and a new statue is to be made." Our contemporary seems
to regard this as Anne instance of Anne-imosity; but we are of opinion,
that it would be easy to improve upon the original effigy, Anne-y-how.

THE Chicago (Illinois) Rambler points out, in speaking of the relative
merits of the English Tory leaders, that Lord Randolph has evidently
the sympathies of the mob.
Oh, why is little Randy C..thus singled out for praise ?
Can it be because he shows some versatility ?
And why should all the mob evince delight in Randy's ways?
Perhaps because he e'er displays mob-ility.
But if he to Chicago (Illinois) should go, forsooth,
Methinks they'd find our Randolph quite an (Illi)nois-y youth.

Mr. VILLIERS STUART exhibited in the House of Commons, the other
night, a knout, of the kind used in Egypt, for forcing the natives to pay
their taxes regularly. (K)now(t) tell us, reader, do not those who use
such cruel persuasives, deserve, as a yokel might say, to get nowt
themselves? "

Wat-er Blow I
A SCIENTIST has been writing to prove, that 75 per cent. of the human
body is composed of water. Horrible thought 1 In that case, the rich
and poor, the refined and ignorant, are all alike-l'eau persons I It is
probable, however, that few will acqua-esce in this notion.


A Henley Incident.

I ROWED up the stream of which Lon-
doners boast,
By Henley my boat I was steering,
When I saw a small urchin bestriding
a post,
And delightedly grinning and
Such excitement appeared on his
seldom-washed face,
That I said to him, "What is the
matter ?"
He answered, I 'm only a-booking
my place,
For to look at the Enley Rigatter!

"I wants for to see all the swell-folks
as flocks
(Down 'ere for their annooal rowin';
And I likes for to gaze on the beau-
tiful frocks,
lC The gals (bless their 'arts) is a-
XB My! some of them gownds is most
orfully gay;
Oh, mustn't they corst 'em some
cash, sir?
And I 'm thinking' that I, perhaps, doorin' the day,
A neiress might manage to mash,' sir I
"I ain't a young covey as one 'ud call plain,
Though a bit out o' fashion my togs is ;
And I reckon I 'm quite as A I in the brain,
As some of them swell jolly-dogs is.
And if I don't nobble a neiress of rank
For a missus' among these tip-toppers,
Yet, after a seeing 'em row from the bank,
I may perhaps earn a few coppers."
"Oh, boyl" I remarked, you are ragged and poor,
Prosperity seems to have missed you-
To witness such mis'ry I cannot endure :
You move me to yearn to assist you.
You 're a blot on this picture of pleasure and glee,
Here's a florin-now hence with your squalor !"
He took it, and answered, "Wot! slope? No, not me!
You wants my nice perch for to collar!"

"JOHN Oldcastle's Guide for Literary Beginners" (Field and Tuer).-
Literary beginners, like beginners in many other pursuits, are too apt to
fancy they need no guide. A careful perusal of this book will guide
them to a better understanding of their needs.
Precious Stones and Gems," by Edwin W. Streeter, F.R.G.S.,
M.A.I. (George Bell and Sons).-Mr. Streeter's thorough knowledge of
his subject in all its details has enabled him in this fourth edition to
produce a book perfect in all its parts, and like unto the gems it treats
of-for intrinsic worth, brilliancy, and polish. As a practical guide it is
"Scenes in the Commons," by David Anderson (Kegan Paul, Trench
and Co.)-Without a lengthened notice it would be difficult to express
the keen interest this book not only awakens, but satisfies. It is the
outcome of personal knowledge by a close observer, who fitly says,
"Everything in this book I have seen with my own eyes, and heard
with my own ears."
The World of Cant" (Walter Scott).-The arrant humbug of cant
and hypocrisy as apart from real or sincere religion, is in this remarkable
book scathingly and unsparingly exposed to richly-deserved scorn and
contempt. The story may be a little disjointed, but there is no lack of
unity or strength in the forcible blows delivered against a widespread
"Scarborough as a Health Resort," by Alfred Haviland, M.R.C.S.E.
(Hamilton, Adams, and Co.)-The amount of information of every de-
scription bearing upon the subject in hand, brought together and admi-
rably arranged in this book, is astonishing.
Sketches by Boz (Goodall, Backhouse, and Co.).-There seems no
limit to cheapness when we can have as in this instance, the whole of
these inimitable sketches in one cover, printed in clear readable type, for
the "small price of three-halfpence."

THE ANGLO-FRENCH AGREEMENT.-An Agreement" to differ.

TULY 2, 1884.

N \ -&

,I '


SIR,-The pride of the person who is the namesake of the small but
pungent-odoured article which first displaced the flint and steel for pur-
poses of illumination, and the pleasure of the squeaky-voiced wife-beater
of the intinerant show, are as nothing, Sir, to the pride and pleasure
which are at this moment enjoying a joint tenancy of my manly bosom.
What, Sir, has been my success throughout the present auspicious season?
-a season trying to tipsters, fatal to favourites, and bowling-over to
bookmakers. What, sir, I ask, has been my success? Phenomenal.
That's the word-phenomenal. Just look at my Waterloo Cup tip, my
tips for the Spring Handicaps, my Derby tip, my Oaks, my Manchester
Cup, my Lincolnshire Handicap tips. Look at them, I say-Get all the
back numbers, and look at them. Look at my Northumberland Plate
prediction last week. Who sent you absolute second bar none ?
And as for this week, why, look at my
The Prophet is probably foolish and rash
To give a selection a week in advance;
But whether or no it will settle his hash,
The Prophet's elected to take his old chance.
There's Tonans, and Havock, St. Blaise, and the Jilt,
And old Mother Shipton, are in it, I think;
And though over Springbok I p'r'aps may be spilt,
I don't think the Prophet's the fellow to shrink.
The Prophet is "right off" with Tonans, somehow,
And Havock his fancy but passingly striker;
St. Blaise will go quicker, I guess, than a cow I
The Jilt can be winning, you know, if she likes;
Then old Mother Shipton gives promise of joys,
And so with respect of her chances we'll speak :
But Springbok at present's my fancy, my boys-
We'll see what we think in the course of the week.
I am yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.

More Distinguished Potentates.
NOT only have we the Maories in London, but now we have also
some Malay visitors. Their names are respectively the Rajah Dris and
the Rajah Manser.
"Are they nice ? you will ask, and we hasten to answer.
"To British respect they have claims,
You Ma-lay odds each Rajah's a very smart Man-ser,
Though there Ra-jah-ring notes in their names."

THE new term for political and practical theft is colonial extension."
The Italians advise the French to filch, because "it is a necessity at
times to extend." By the English law a man convicted of robbery with
violence may be sentenced, not only to a term of imprisonment, but to a
severe flogging in addition. Why cannot such a Draconian measure be
meted out to the leaders and incendiary inciters of people who live but
to spoil? The poorly-paid soldiers, engaged to plunder and steal, get
"whipped often enough in their attempts, as every nation on this planet
has found out to its cost.

WHEN Twelfth Night is produced at the Lyceum, additional interest
will attach to the production on account of the character of Sebastian
and Viola, who are brother and sister in the play, being undertaken by
Mr. C. E. Terry and his sister Ellen. The acting is bound to be a
relative success, and the situations, under the circumstances, Terrybly

ULY 2, I8 4,

JULY 2, 884. FUN. I

Our Hero Again.
RANDOLPH (loq.)-
OH, Britain, rejoice
That you've still an M.P.
Who will lift up his voice
In defiance of G.-
Of course I allude to that Gladstone,
A person distasteful to me !
A night or two back,
When Conservatives yearned
For the Censure-vote "tack,"
They by Gladstone were spurned,
When he spoke of that Conference-swindle-
They all were snuffed out, but I burned.
In my might I arose-
1, alone, bear in mind-
And, with tragedy-pose,
Fumed and threatened and whined,
Worried the G. 0. M. grandly-
No peace I allowed him to find.
I told him that I
Didn't know which to do,
"To laugh or to cry
At the ruin in view."
Then I wept for my country's dishonour-
A striking theatrical coup !
And I howled about France
In a Jingo-like tone;
'Twas a capital chance
To be "noticed," you'll own-
For if I'm not noticed, I'm wretched-
'fis fame that I thirst for alone!
And the Tories had been
By G.'s artfulness wrecked;
Until Imade a "scene,"
All their swagger was checked;
But even I failed to arouse them,
With all my dramatic effect.
Yea, once more their chance
Of obstruction was nil,
For the G. 0. M.'s glance
Made our party feel ill.
But 'tis well that this land should remember-
She has Randolph to stick by her still!

AN EYE" OPENER.-Mr. Gladstone's rebuke ot Mr.
Ashmead-Bartlett, M.P.

FRIDAYS, ze tventy June.-Sapristil! I cannot believe my eye ven I
hear zat ze noble Lords are zemself discussing zemself, and I demand of
myself if it is noblesse obliged on the defbed penitence. Milor Rosebery
to-night play Cassandra. Ma foi! I vas use to sink ze Primrose vas ze
Tory badge maintenant, lots of ze Tory Lords say zis Primrose badger
zem. Lord Rosebery tell me zat reform is purifying; it is ze peers' hope.
I reply zat I use it myselves, and it is ver' purifying, ze Pear's soap.
Cependant-to-night Troy is deaf to Cassandra alzo Achilles vares
ze franchise at ze gate. Mr. Trevelyan introduce ze Common ze Sunday
Closing Irish Bill. Ze majority of Irish gentlemans seem in favor; but
ce cher Biggar sink it annozare injustice. Mr. Varton talk it out-and
ze Under Secretary exclaim, "Varton nuisance I"
Monday.-In ze Lords Earl Granville lay on ze table, and also ze
Grand Old Man in the Commons-Vat? vare zey not vell? Not so
much hurries. I go say zey lay on ze table papers relating to ze
Tuesday.-Ze Lords pass ze Criminal Law Amendment Act. I know
now vare ze Good Young Man who Died vent to-ze House of Lords.
Mr. Ashley, in ze ozzare place, inform Sir B. Chicks-I go say Sir Hicks
Beach-zat ze Lankyshire Regiment, vit ozzares, is departed for Natal,
and Mr. Oh I Donnell draw from him zat Messieurs les Boers, if zey
invade the Colony, vill get vat is call Liverpool play." Mr. Villiers
Stuart demand if ze Conference will hamper ze Government. I rise-I
say, "Sir, it is not ze festive seasons, nor is ze Government von goose,
for vy it should be hampered? Ze Tories begin to badger ze vite vaist-
coated Villiams. I say to zem zat, at any events-I mean at all rates-
his party is not sending him vit a secret treaty in his pockets.

HOUT FOR THE TEMPER." [His Lordship winces.

Vennisday-I meet in ze lobby ze Grand Old Man, vit care upon ze
grand old brow. I demand vich is ze matter? Vat is up? He say
Norscote have just been up to move Vote of Censure. I say, Qu imported?
mon ami! If zey had more sense, ve could have less censure. Come
and have a sqvash of lemons-have a cooler. Ven ve go back, Mr
Richard is reading ze Cemetery Bill. Ze subject is so grave, it is tomb
much for me-I hook my sling.
Sursday.-Ze Lords give notice of a row. Zey tuck up ze sleeve.
Milor Cainarvon give notice of Censure. Vait a minutes, milors, some-
von else is tucking up ze shirt of his sleeves. In ze Commons ze Grand
Old Bill declare if ze noble Lords make it varm for leetle Franchise Bill,
he vill make it varm for ze noble Lords. Achillis vakes-Troy I En
garde I

Is it true that two hundred and five poems, written on the beauty of
Barnum's "white" elephant's spots, are to be set to original music, for
the purpose of being sung and played in the Yankee shows ? Circus bands.
as a rule, mix up the five or six airs they know into one curious impres
sive harmony, but with two hundred and five melodies to choose from
and shake together rapidly, the tone of music will become quite too
Wagnerian. We trust the Barnum rumour is correct-in the interests
of mad doctors.

AN obstruction that was recently put up in a bridle path at Knole,
near Sevenoaks, has been forcibly removed by the inhabitants. They
evidently thought themselves "bit," and so were determined to endure
it Kno(le) longer.

To U0XX.,OND.EHTS-1U Aaslatr a*04 ~WX #Ind M.,niJ to ac~ww1dge, retu.rn, orpay JIvr Lnifbtwu "a, c"S SU IIWy Of returned uA,,15
accom.Oanaid 3y a stamn~ed and directed onvelp,0a.

12 F U SN JULY 2, 1884.


ANOTHER Fare Trade advocate.-Lord Rosebery, when speaking of WHEN a young lady paints her face crudely with cheap rouge, surely
cabmen, it is justifiable to give her a few-just a few-delicate t-hints.
Ses Cst ithot
BIRD, fS l .l

Piso. a Cocoa thickens in the
Packet for p cup, its proves the
Pnt met w enertt kppro it as a addition of Starch.
ALFRED BIRD & SONS, Devonshire Worka. lead i't and neither scratch nor apnt, the Rpoints
rounded by anew process. Six Pre Mels awarded. Assorte RE!!! V
Birmingham. Sample.Boi,67pos-,fr.o ,7Btaps'.othe oWo.r.ti,, ..m PUREM!!! S0LUBLE! REFRESHINB!l!

JULY 9, 1884.



You will not have forgotten, Sir, the ready ingenuity with which, at
the time of the Berlin Conference, I contrived to keep you well informed
of its sayings and doings by substituting myself for the official keeper of
the buffet provided by the thoughtful courtesy of Prince Bismarck, who
knew full well what very dry work discussing and protocolling was.
Equally determined to keep you au courant of the present Conference's
proceedings and concedings, I was naturally disappointed to find, as the
result of my preliminary diplomatic inquiries, that there would be no
official buffet at the Foreign Office, the consequent deduction that it was
therefore useless for me to attempt to keep it being inevitable. But
though thus buffeted," so to speak, in my first essay, I by no means
ceased my endeavours. My first expedient was to wait boldly on Lord
Granville, and ask him point blank to attach me to the Conference as
a "Facetious Expert." "Think, my Lord," I urged, how wearisome
your sittings, unrelieved by the varied waggeries I can guarantee, must
become with the thermometer at eighty odd in the shade, and dear old
Musurus Pacha in his highest and driest old diplomatic form."
"And then," I went on, finding that the Earl seemed yielding,
" fancy being left to the tender mercies of Blum Pacha, who makes, I
am assured, crusted old quips in Coptic; and Herr von Dehrenthal,
who will worry you to death with arithmetical problems, to be solved by
mental arithmetic. Only introduce me, my Lord," I added, "with a
semi-grand piano, and I'll guarantee you against a single dull moment.
Let me just give you a verse of my dpropos Topical Song bringing in the
names of all the plenipotentiaries."
That verse would have clinched the business, Sir, but ere I could
begin it M. Waddington's name was brought in, and I lost a chance
which never returned ; for next morning a special Foreign Service Mes-
senger brought me a note from Lord Granville reluctantly declining my
I have before me as I write a memo. from a well-known London cos-
tumier in which he contracts to dress and make me up as an Egyptian

Pacha, with use of laced diplomatic frock coat, fez, wig paste, and an
order of the Medjideh thrown in, for the sum of 1 i4s. 9d. nett cash,
and I do not mind admitting, Sir, that for some days I had it in my
mind to boldly present myself at the F. 0. as Aboukir Bey, the Mahdi's
representative, and take my chance. Bat this project, as well as another
which involved me passing far too many hours shut up in the bottom
drawer of a big official press, I set aside in favour of my final plan, which
involved nothing more sensational than my arranging with a worthy
subordinate member of the Foreign Office staff for my admission to the
apartment immediately above the Conference room, which, as luck would
have it, was devoted entirely to the storage of duplicate despatches from
our Consuls at Pernambuco and the .adjacent towns. A trusty bradawl
and a strong right arm achieved the rest, Sir, the result being, I may
briefly state, that when the plenipotentiaries met for the first time on
Saturday, the 28th ult., I commanded a complete bird's eye view of the
gatherings through the numerous peepholes I had bored.
The meeting, as you know, was a brief one, but not too brief, I was
amused to notice, for that veteran diplomatist, Musurus Pacha, to draw
out a bundle of proof sheets of his new translation of Dante's II Pur-
gatorio into modern Greek, and propose to read the plenipos. a few
extracts. Lord Granville was equal to the occasion, however, and to
his prompt motion that these fresh proofs of His Excellency's go d will
should be taten as read," was put to the meeting and carried newn. con.
before Musurus could even protest.
. My hint, too, about Blum Pacha had not been forgotten by Lord
Granville, who, as soon as he had squelched the readings from the
" Purgatorio," kept his eye on the Khedive's senior representative, who
was wriggling on his chair, as I could plainly see, like a man naturally
would who meditated the perpetration of facetieu in a barbarous tongue.
Thanks to the Earl's caution, Blum had only time to ask apropos des
bottes, and in Coptic, remember, Why is the Patriarch of Magdala like
the apex of the Pyramid of Gizeh ? when at a sign from his chief, Mr.
Childers moved the adjournment, which was carried instanter.

YOL.. XL..-NO, 1000.


TULY 9, 1884.

THE AVENUE.-What's the use of making plans ? I made a plan to
see those Ar-Rivals here one night. On the night I made that plan
for, those Ar-Ri-
vals were not to
be found anywhere.
STheyhad gone, and
r [ we shall never see
Ii, them more; I don't
even know where
they are buried; I
can't go and drop
Sr 9 a tear at their un-
Stimely decease in
an appropriate spot.
I'm getting quite
... .. sad about it, and
worried, and thin,
._ and I'm that mad
,'a with the authors.
CosY CouPLE." such a good one,
and they've both
had sufficient experience as comic writers. I am so disappointed !

THE STANDARD.-.arl, or the Love that Wins-A Widow with an
Encumbrance, should be the full title of Mr. Mooney's play, produced
here on the 23rd ult. I don't think it is much better or worse than any
one of a thousand or so ordinary melo-dramas taken at random. Its
situations are stirring, and if the constant self-sacrifice of the hero is
somewhat monotonous, and too forcibly reminds us that "excessive
good-nature's the stamp of a fool," the acts end effectively with good
"situations," and the pleasure of the audience is unmistakable. There
is a good deal both of art and nature in Mr. E. Sass's villain, Heartbitter
-a nice encouraging name for a man to have to carry about with him 1
-in spite of the excessive colour the part almost compels him to use.
Mr. J. A. Arnold is robustly heroic as the gallant Karl, and as he and
Miss Kate Monro are in the cast, needs not to say that there is singing :
Mr. Arnold's are but snatches, however, and Miss Monro's voice I do
not love.

VAUDEVILLE (morning).-A wild phantasmagoria-a sort of comic
nightmare-called a comedy, and entitled A Young Wife, by Gospodin
A. Lubimoff, a gentleman evidently the subject of a misfortune in early
life which cost him the usual "handle to his name, was produced here
on Tuesday last by the author. This curious production was divided
into four acts, labelled respectively, Plight, Flight, Fight, and Light-
the result of its performance added a fifth act to its history, which might
with some aptness have been similarly distinguished as Blight A pitiful
attempt to ward off failure-of which M. Lubimoff appears to have had
not altogether groundless forebodings-was made by that gentleman
inserting in the programme a deprecatory half apology for making his
"first debit (sic) as an author-long may it be ere he makes his second
del'it" !-which was a trifle ridiculous. A play must stand or fall on its
merits (if it has any) and the intrusion of an individual opinion (probably
given in a kindly and unguarded moment) upon an audience which is
there to judge for itself, is an impertinence. Any attempt to describe
the piece would be useless. Improbability was the lightest of its sins ;
its construction was
bad, its story (if it
had a story) was -
idiotic, its dialogue i
pointless, and its l.
characterization I' C
conspicuous by its '. "
absence. ," i' -- *-- I

Strange. inconse- -
quent, and inexpli- '. '
cable figures moved '
about the stage-a ,
solto vore colonel, a r'---
ghoul-like waiter, ape ti odgn'tle--
wordy and self re-
peating old gentle- -F'-' .
man, a gaunt and
close shaven, but THE CRITERION.-" SOMEBODY ELSE I"
subsequently be-
whiskered and Germanized-for-no-reason-whatever figure, immediately
recognized as "Mr. Moody,"d nd a young lady from Paris who'd left
her French accent at home, were among the most noticeable of these.
Among them all at fitful intervals appeared the author, whose principal

point appeared to be to wear a scarlet blouse and grow marvellously
affected over a piece of the royallest bathos. M. Lubimoff's company
-advertised as a powerful cast "-comprised only names as yet un-
known to fame, but there were not wanting signs that several of them
might have appeared to better advantage under happier auspices. Miss
Florence Haydon and Mr. W. Sant were of these, the latter in particular
showing some consistent sense of character.

Mr. Allen Thomas (by no means the best of actors either) exerted
himself loyally (taking the part at short notice), and if anything could
have saved the piece, his efforts would have done it ; for this he
obtained the distinguished reward of having its failure attributed to his
efforts by the author in a short speech before the curtain. In this, how-
ever, M. Lubimoff was too modest, the entire credit of the fiasco (which
was really a very complete piece of work as a fiasco) rests with himself.

THE SAVOY (morning).-Miss Annie Rose gave a performance of Mr.
W. S. Gilbert's Broken Hearts here on the ist inst. which was very en-
joyable from the excellence of the cast. Miss Rose is not without the
fault of most matinee givers in showing the vaulting ambition which
o'erleaps itself by essaying parts beyond the reach of their powers, but
her aim was not so far ahead of her accomplishment as it is in most
cases. She shows scarcely depth enough for the character of Vavir,
which requires delicate handling, and she is quite at sea in the manage-
ment of her voice, but she looks the sweet and fragile Princess to per-
fection, and some of the passages were given with considerable skill and
perception. Mr. Herman Vezin and Mr. Kyrle Bellew played the two
male characters each in his peculiarly excellent style, and Miss Nelly
Bromley, except for a failure of memory at an important point, gave a
noticeably good rendering of the part of Princess Hilda (I hope I am
naming them correctly, a programme was unattainable). The two
small parts
were played ,, T ER
with point i,
by Miss Ar- n ur tLu '4u lWA K
nold and l, In w" -iw s
Miss Sybil DAL' COPANI
Grey. o, u, ,
Lionel Ellis/ \
has given a f
Van Winkle "
here with
the result of TOOLE'S.-DALY AND NIGHTLY.
drawing lots
of Ellis D. This week Mr. Scudamore's Rags and Bones are on view.

THE IMPERIAL.-Some things called Les Invisibles have been going
on here. Naturally, as their title renders apparent, I have not seen
them, so cannot express an opinion upon them.

NODS AND WINKS.-The ballad concerts at the Royal Victoria Coffee
Hall have finished for the season with a monstre one (though why not
"monster," who can say?) under the leadership of Sir Julius Benedict.
-Some one says that Mr. W. Yardley has a burlesque on Called Back
in hand for the Novelty, in which Miss Kate Vaughan and Mr. Harry
Nicholls will appear; but then some one else says that Lalla Rookh is
to be withdrawn in consequence of the termination of Miss Vaughan's
engagement.-It is reported that Messrs. Shine and Hollingshead have
gone into partnership over the Gaiety; let's hope they will have gaiety
over the partnership.-On the 19th, for six weeks only," Mr. W. Terriss
announces that the Augustin Daly troupe will take up their abode at
Toole's.-Some one sends me a musical criticism, cut from The Times,
wherein is chronicled the successful first appearance of a new American
prima donna. I congratulate the lady, and feel much refreshed by the
information, NESTOR.

Men and Things.
No apprehension need be entertained as to the safety of the country
farmer when in town-he has always his wether-eye open.
The grocer may likewise be trusted in perfect safety abroad-he knows
his weigh about.
The ssthete, too, is tolerably secure from imposition-he knows how
to put too and too together.
Bob Acres, running after one of those busses that run from Char.
ing Cross to the Bank for a penny, is pretty suretty sure not to be over-
charged-the busses being so full that the chances are he wont "be
taken in."


JULY 9, 1884. FUN. 15

Un Canard.
OH it was a duck, a plump little duck,
And he uttered a plaintive quack,
While his yellow and slim
Poor legs bent under him,
And the feathers stood up on his back.
"Oh what is it ails you, plump little duck?
Say what makes you sigh and groan?
Have you done something wrong ?"
"Yes, I've read a new song,"
Sobbed the plump little duck, "byJaxone.
"Oh! why has the reading an innocent song
Reduced you to such a sad plight ?"
"You don't know," he gasped out,
What that song is about,
Or you'd well understand my affright I"
"What is it about, O plump little duck,
That song that has filled you with dread;
That makes your plumes rise,
And your breast heave with sighs,
And puts you quite off your young head?"
"About ?-about?" cried the plump little duck,
His voice growing faint by degrees ;
"AhlI ask me not that,
When you see I'm so fat,
And you know 'tis the season for peas!"
He turned on his side, that plump little duck,
And spent his last breath in a moan;
And I merely can guess
Whence had come his distress-
He'd "A Dream of Peas" read, byJaxone.

RA-RA-ngement.__ -
THE Romeo and Juliet shown
By Dicksee has a taking tone,
Displaying an artistic hand; PRACTICAL ILLUSTRATION.
Especially when one thinks, you know,
That Juliet and Romeo Teday (to his older brotherBob).-" I TOLD YOU, BOB, THAT PA IS BIGGER
Did not belong to "Dicksee's Land." THAN MA." (Holds up Cabinetlfkotografph. Bob is floored.)


"Being asked by Mr. O'Brien whether it was the case that the luggage of two
Irish Members of Parliament had been searched at Holyhead, notwithstanding that
tke officers were informed of the name of ene AMember, the Home Secretary replied
that he could 'answer the question with the sympathy of a fellow-sufferer,' his
luggage having been searched-and he having approved of it."
FIRST TRAVELLER (at New York). Can this be the steamer that is
to take us to England? We must have mistaken our boat. See-it is
all decorated with green cloth, and has flowers twined up the masts, and
the funnel is beautified with devices in shillelaghs and whiskey bottles,
and there are golden harps embroidered on the sails (which are of green
silk for the occasion); so there is evidently some person of importance
going to travel in this steamer.
SECOND TRAVELLER. It's our boat all right; I've asked the man at
the wheel. I wonder why there is a guard ot honour on the gangway
(which is covered with green plush edged with gold fringe). Here is
the British Home Secretary coming aboard-perhaps all the fuss is for
him. No ; the guard of honour don't present arms to him: they only
nod and say, "Howdee do?"
FIRST TRAVELLER. Ah I here's her Majesty the Queen: that's whom
it's for then. I had no notion she-eh? No, it's not for her I The
guard of honour don't salute: they only say, Good morning, mum,"
and go on chewing tobacco. Ah 1 now the important person is coming.
I hear a dozen bands playing "Erin go Bragh." Yes, the guard of
honour throw away their quids, and stand up: they are saluting to that
gentleman with the wild eye. Whoever can he be ?
SECOND TRAVELLER. Really, I can't imagine. Look-the captain
and officers conduct him to the state saloon, specially erected, and remain
uncovered in his presence.
FIRST TRAVELLER. I hear the boat is not to wait for the mails, as
that gentleman with the wild eye is on board ; so we start at once.
The Queen and the Home Secretary are very glad, as they are anxious
to get on.

SECOND TRAVELLER. We have sighted the English coast. Here
we are, and here are the custom house officers coming on board. They
are very particular about the luggage, in consequence of the dynamite
outrages. How they are ferretting and fumbling in that portmanteau
and how suspiciously they run their spikes through the shirts I Why,
that portmanteau belongs to the Home Secretary.
FIRST TRAVELLER. And how dreadfully they are turning over the
luggage of the lady in widow's weeds! How unmercifully they drag out
everything from the trunks 1 Why, it's her Majesty I How dreadfully
distressed she seems!
SECOND TRAVELLER. Of course it is; but they have orders to be so
very particular just now: no exception is to be made in the case of
anybody whatever; even the gentleman with the wild eye-eh ?
FIRST TRAVELLER. What? Good gracious, why-
SECOND TRAVELLER. Dear me I Lor now I The gentleman with
the wild eye hands his card to the chief customs-officer; and the officer
bows reverentially, and instructs his men on no account to touch the
luggage of the gentleman with the wild eye. Look there-there's a
customs-officer demanding the keys of the gentleman with the wild eye.
He evidently hasn't understood his instructions.
FIRST TRAVELLER. Poor fellow; I'm sure he didn't mean to do
wrong; but the gentleman with the wild eye has made a note of the
circumstance, and also had the officer arrested. See-the articles out of
her Majesty's luggage and Sir William's have got mixed all about the
deck, and they are both trying to identify their own things. It was a
shame to turn them out like that There's the Queen's crown rolling
overboard. She makes a clutch at it just in the nick of time, as the
gentleman with the wild eye is attempting to kick it overboard. Now
the captain is remonstrating severely with her Majesty for her rudeness
in thwarting the gentleman. Whoever can he be ? He shoves the Queen
and Sir William aside, and lands to a flourish of trumpets.

SECOND TRAVELLER (in a hushea voice). No wonder they paid such
reverence to that gentleman-he's an IRISH MEMBER.
FIRST TRAVELLER (removinghis hat). Is he, though? (Theyfallflat).

5 F JN. JULY 9, 1884.

"A proposition is said to be on foot among the Irish dynamiters to drop dynamite upon London from balloons."

But somehow, when he wanted to realize, there seemed to be something the matter. The beast of a balloon wouldn't rise without gas ; then, when it had gas, it
made right away from England; then it moodd plunge intothe sea ; then the rescuing captain made a fuss about that carpet-bag full of dynamite; and so did the fool
of a customs officer; and lastly, when he ead got it nicely deposited by the House of Parliament there was another obstacle Ioo

.. -2 J ..I- ii-^I[ -I .

"What the divil ails things?" asked Pat of a stranger whose c! others seemed to be riveted on him and who carried a sledge hammer and an iron rule. Perhaps
I've something to do with it,' replied the stranger; "you haven't seen me before- my names 'HARD FACT. n i'ron rule. Perhaps

IIF JiN .-JULY 9, 1884,



-1- -~

4: W 9
A^ y

h I




(See Cartoon.)
THERE, hard by Downing Street (which, by the way,
Preserves a mein more desolate than gay),
Skilled in the room of Conference to rule,
The grand old master drilled his little school.
Sternly he reared his collars high to view,
We knew them well, and every nation knew;
Well had his fractious pupils learned to trace
The day's disasters in his morning face;
Full loud they laughed with unexpected glee
Whene'er he joked, for sparse of jokes was he;
Full oft the buzz of turbulence was found
To merge into submission, when he frowned.
Yet he was mild, or, if severe in aught,
'Twas when they would not follow what he taught:
The country all declared how much he knew,
'Twas certain he could write and cypher too;
Foes he could crush, and lukewarm friends assuage,
And it was whispered-sometimes he could rage,
While words of fluent strength and thundering sound
Amazed the wrapt beholders ranged around,
And still they stared, and still the wonder grew,
How collars e'er could hedge in all he knew.

JULY 9, 1884.


Emigration from Kensington is a phrase that will probably sound rather strangely
to many Kensingtonians who believe that, if they want to see or relieve poverty, they
must go to what is called comprehensively the East-End. Probably a good many
dwellers in the West will be astonished to learn, from a speech of Lord Aberdare's
yesterday, that there is as much real distress in Kensington as in any parish of the
East. Our West-End Lady Bountifuls may remember that there are want
and distress nearer to them than Whitechapel or even Seven Dials."-St. James's
SING hey of a man ; and the man was poor,
And lacking in things to eat,
When he and starvation were on the tour I
The couple were sure to meet;
But he artfully said to himself, without
The ghost of a sign of a shade of doubt,
"There's plenty of charity round about,
I've only to seek its seat."
A lady she lived in the self-same town,
And she was a millionaire,
i The Lady Augusta Fitz-Wilkins Brown ;
And, as you are all aware,
She ever was doing her best to meet
With people who hadn't too much to eat,
And very good-naturedly standing treat
When cupboards and things were bare.
But oh for the Lady Augusta's sight-
We do her no dreadful wrong
In bringing this palpable fact to light-
Her sight was extremely long.
An object adjacent, at hand, or nigh,
She couldn't perceive with the naked eye,
Or anything nearer than, say, the sky,
New Zealand-the Poles-Hong-Kong.
The party-the man who was poor, we mean-
He cunningly went and sat
(In order, you know, that he might be seen)
On Lady Augusta's mat;
He waved an umbrella before her nose ;
Nle tripped her by getting beneath her toes;
He danced and he shouted. You might suppose
She'd notice him after that.
But no ; she was blind as an easy chair,
As blind as a four-post bed ;
No ghost of a notion that he was there
Had entered her mortal head !
And during the time she was sending neat
And nice little packets of things to eat
To people who lived in a far-off street,
Of whom she had heard and read.
Then he who was hungry improved in wit,
And saw it was vain to stay
So near to her vision; and bit by bit
He prudently edged away.
Her ladyship, when he'd arrived as fur
As Holborn, began to perceive a blur ;
At the Mint he was passably plain to her ;
At Rotherhithe clear as day.
The beautiful packets of things to eat
Began to be duly sent;
Then he who was needy (a now discreet,
Experienced schemer) went
And lived upon Luna's reflective ball;
And as to the packets, he gets them all
And the chance of the paupers on earth is small;
But Charity's quite content.

MR. JOHN MORLEY recently alluded to the House of Lords as a "bleak
and cheerless region."
This is hardly correct-it is strained, so to speak
(FUN alludes to the error quite meekly);
It is true, in a sense, 'tis a region that's bleak,
For Peers view many measures o-blique-ly.
But they Hear, hear I" each other in manner most fearless,
So 'tis hardly a chamber that one could call cheer "-less.

GREED hunger is the only hunger we try in vain to assuage.


N. I9

NEW SERIES, No. 29. AIR-" When I am far away, my love."
little boy, career-
ing by the ever-
sounding sea,
"wlCome take this
brought for you
and listen unto

Il goI aam a gay and

man, and full of
lightsome fun,
Her. w-o al (I think you will
I- b have proof of
~ that before I've
--nearly done).
--y lMy little boy,
I'm as I say, a

some heart,
S ------And all myaim's
to adequately
play the merry
And that is why I've read the daily papers through and through,
And that is why I've come to talk about them all to you.
SAh, do not run away, my lad;
Ah, do not quit my sight;
'Twill only take all day, my lad;
I'll go away at night.
Her Majesty, whom all revere (I hope we ever shall),
Is back from what some Cockneys call her home at Balmoral-
Nay, little boy, wherefore attempt evasively to roam ?
I'm sure you must be glad to hear Her Majesty's "come home";
And sure I am 'twill lighten much your ever-pressing cares
To hear there is a Conference on Egypt's cash affairs;
And much you will be satisfied, and possibly amused,
To find the Vote of Censure has been crushingly refused.
Nay, stay with me, ah, stay, my lad-
To go were impolite;
'Tis only for a day, my lad;
I'll go away at night.
That Picton's in for Leicester, lad-a Lib'ral stout and true,
Will probably be very satisfactory to you;
That Muntz is in for Warwickshire-a Tory false and thin,
Will doubtless fire your bosom with the bitterest chagrin;
That water in the Thames is getting very, very low,
'Twill certainly distress you very bitterly to know;
And, oh, I'd it hide if I could, I know 'twill give you pain,
But that gonoff" Trophonius's tip is wrong again I
Nay, do not leave me yet, my lad;
I'll leave you when it's night;
You mustn't go and bet, my lad,
Because it is not right.
The Coaching Club has met, my lad, in Hyde's important Park
(And met with great success, I may, in passing it, remark).
The dinner of the Cobden Club was held with great ecldt,
And if you'd like the speeches read, why, bless you, here they owh.

There, there I cheer up, my little boy-there-now you're fresh as paint;
Whatever could have happened, lad, inducing you to faint ?
There. Now you are all right, I think. I may proceed to say
We've passed the anniversary of Coronation Day.
It's number forty-six, my lad,
I hear the people say-
Aha I you shouldn't mix, my lad,
And then you wouldn't sway.
The Piper (Pied) of Hamelin who piped the bairns away,
My lad, his something-tennary was held the other day;
Lord Falmouth's sold his horses, boy-'twill fill your soul with grief
(They fetched some decent prices, to the best of my belief;)
The fair Princess of Wales has laid a fresh foundation stone,
And to the house, which lacked a name, she kindly gave her own;
And it will interest you very much, my little friend,
To hear another "Bradlaugh case" has come unto an end.
Well, here's the darksome night, my lad,
I've nothing more to say-
I say, that's not polite, my lad,
To fairly bolt away I

20 FUN JULY 9, 1884.

THE British Government thinks about putting an Imperial and im-
perious foot down in the Western Pacific, and then stretching out its
elastic sides with the object of securing as
much comfortable booty as possible. We trust
the B. G.'s heels won't be galled after the
manner of Weston's. In that gentleman's last
long stride after fame and lucre he suffered
considerably. "Sprinting" politicians col-
lectively are very often as absurd in action as
endurance men are individually. Oh when
shall we have a female Prime Minister ? Ideal
portrait above.
WE venture to think the Egyptian hamper
a sufficiently heavy weight for any respectable
nation to carry at present.

MR. HEALY, M.P., kicks at the Government and the Opposition im.
partially with the vigour of a Hampstead Heath-- well, never mind
what. Luckily, his heels are not shod with iron, though.

ONE of our few reliable contemporaries states that a son of Galopin
and Peace" (no relation of the late lamented burglar) only cost Mr.
Carington a "mokey" last summer. We are a little doubtful what a
"mokey" means in type. Possibly a "monkey in notes drifting to-
wards our haven of intelligence, might have had a better chance of being
picked up. It may be well to observe-that there is nothing asinine about
Mr. C.'s purchase.
DR, CAMERON, M.P., perambulates a notion that rational principles
should be adopted to check small-pox. He desires that the question
should be ventilated. Well! ventilation does nearly as much towards
checking the disease as vaccination. But every sane person should do
his or her best to arrest the progress-for progress it is-of the perverted
anti-vaccination renters, and try to place a check upon the fanatical
creatures who smirch the reputation of that benefactor to mankind, Dr.
Jenner. These parties (when unpaid) show as little knowledge of the
subject they are treating as the Yeomanry idiots displayed when cravenly
bespattering and defacing the statue of Dr. Johnson at Lichfield.

WE have fairly untruthful reasons for believing that a new milking"
public company may shortly be started for the supply of artificial calf-
lymph. The dregs of fluids sold in music halls are likely to be used in
the manufacture of the stuff. ____

OWING to Spanish quarantine precautions, several shiploads of garlic
(anxiously waited for) have not arrived in the Thames. Terrible excite-
ment is fermenting around Soho in consequence. Republican Rumbles,
Ramps, and Riots, may roll round Baron Grant's fertile grounds in
Leicester Square at any moment.

GALLIC noses are harder than one might think when a first sight is
taken at them. Frenchmen often have a great bother in getting up and
permanently securing those soft, round, red and
juicy bokular appendages which English citizens
rejoice in-noses that almost invite a blow by
hanging in a ripe and tempting fashion. A French
Ambassador once tried hard to cultivate a curiously I
British nasal appendage; he struggled, wrestled
with fate, but he won. No sooner had he done so
than the Dey of Algiers, if you please, thought fit
to strike the Ambassador's carefully-painted nose
with a fly-flapper, which is now exhibited in The '
Old Silver Show," held at No. 30, Cadogan Square.
The battered F.F. shows distinctly the indentation caused by the Am-
bassador's nose, and the mosquito squashed at the time of the Dey's
assault. The fact that the diplomatist, on receiving the blow, exclaimed
"Oh what a Dey I am having," is creditable to his knowledge of
worn out Anglo-American jokes. Looking at the fly-flapper intently,
it suddenly struck us, just in a very thoughtful way, and a tender
idea sifted through our verdure-clad brain, that a small fortune lingered
about the fly-flapping instrument, when looked at from a "connubial
disagreement" point of view.

THE German Crown Prince is excessively annoyed. That daring
man the Czar of all the Holy Russias located on the face of this globe
has absolutely declined to meet him at Dantzic. The G. C. P's irrita-
tion is easily accounted for. Gentle reader I from the blow of a side
wind on the editorial ear, we learn that his Imperial Highness was going
to make himself spruce for the occasion.

THE drama was doubtless well-written,
'Twas a thrilling affair, I daresay ;
But me it moved not-I was smitten
With a charmer I saw at the play.
The love-scenes I heard many praising,
And the comic scenes many thought gay :
I heeded them not-I was gazing
On her I beheld at the play !
Her face seems to come to my view now,
Oh, FUN let me sketch it, I pray-
See, her portrait Come say, wouldn't you, now,
Have been mashed on that fay at the play ?

All at Sea Again I
GLEEFULLY every Tory prepared over Gladstone to gloat,
Like a Jack-in-the-box, all upspringing to shriek out a new Censure.
They didn't quite see how to manage the downfall of Gladstone and Co.,
But to manage it they were determined, and so they with joy were aglow.
Yes, although
They had several Censure-Votes lately that somehow went wrong, as
you know.
But the G. 0. M.'s hash this would settle, although their ideas weren't
quite clear
As to how they should set it in action; they knew, though, they'd gibe
and they'd jeer.
What matter if France they insulted, and called her all manner of
names ?
What mattered the needs of poor Egypt, so long as they spoilt Glad.
stone's games ?
What were flames
Of national strife and dissension compared with Conservative claims ?
"Let us howl at this Conference loudly before we know what it's
about I"
Exclaimed the Conservatives, eager to oust Gladstone's Government
"Here's Bruce (he's the Bondholders' spokesman), he'll do our new vote
to propose,
And then we en masse will support him, and maybe we'll vanquish our
And thus close
The power of this tree-chopping tyrant who causes our party such woes."
But again the poor Tories were routed and filled with the bitterest gall,
For the Liberals up and determined the vote shouldn't come on at all.
But worse than all, some of the Government (Gladstone and such) voted

And were willing the.chance to afford them their new Vote of Censure
to try,
So they cry,
Because they can't drop upon Gladstone for knocking their plot all awry I

JULY 9, 1884.

SIR,-I told you that my last week's tip was only a pre-
liminary one; so if you didn't believe me (and as likely as not
you didn't, if you know anything about my character-I
mean, if Iknow anything about yours-which I do, it being
the worst I ever heard of !), you must take the consequences
and this
It isn't for me to get totting them up,
And saying who'll collar the Liverpool Cup;
It isn't for you, if you're happy and gay,
To go and believe me, whatever I say;
But here is the tip that your fancy should strike-
You may take it or leave it, or not if you like.
For Florence I care not so much as a snuff,
And Tonans won't win, though he's far from a muft;
Hesperian scarce will Hesperiance fame,
And Alban will hardly accomplish the game;
For Master Linnaeus I care not a cent,
And as for Sir Hugh, pr'ythee rest in content.
John Jones might succeed-such a thing might occur;
Preferment is what many folks would prefer;
Prince Henry might claim a precedence, perhaps,
While Somerton's backed by a lot of sharp chap's;
But softly; the cup of our prophecy's full,
And I think Theologian's sure of the pull.
With just a word for the Birkenhead Cup, which, I think,
ill go to the Lady Adelaide or the Duke of Richmond-and
here's, hoping they may live long to let the old man drink
their health out of it.-
I am Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.

A Political Panto.
A DAILY paper alludes to the recent veto on the Vote of
Censure as a "scene in a pantomime." In a pantomime
" rallies and spills are plentiful. The Tories certainly
su tiered the "spill "; but we should think they will be careful
how they rally" the G. 0. M. again. It seems as though
they gene-" rally" come to grief, and it is always through their

THE Marquis of Salisbury will shortly lend to the Health
Exhibition a pair of hose worn by Queen Elizabeth. He
d.o:ubtless considers it is a duty he hose to the nation, for the
late sovereign's stockings are probably of the "Bess "-t sort.

FRIDAYS, ze 28 Junes.-Ze noble lords read ze Franchise Bill ze first
time. Zey vill, sans doute, forbann ze bids, but not at ze first ask of ze
timing. Ze Earl of Varr pull to peace-I mean pieces-ze Act of
Educations. His cry is ze same as zat of Mr. Stanley Leighton, only it
is a later von. He complains of over pressure. Milor Salisbury join
in ze attack. He sink ze Board School have been ze ruin of ze boarding
school. Maintenant, zere is nozzink but protest.
In ze Commons Mr. Chaplin demand of ze Premier vill he lay before
ze House ze Agreement vit ze Powers before ze Conference. I say to
Chbiplins, "Look at here, old mans, you are sporting mans, and you
kn.jw ver vell zat in diplomacy you must not show ze hand even to
your partner." He say zat is only at vhist, not diplomacy. I reply,
"Zey are all bose ze sames. You make as much tricks as you can,
and ze honour it is very easy." Mr. Pell object to ze vords nemine
o:.'radicente, in ze record in ze journal ofze vote on ze Bill of Franchise.
Sir Norscote back him up. I sink ze Tories are razzare vat you call
hihery in zeir Latin, and sink it mean somesink to do vit Bradlaugh.
Cependant zare is majority against zem.
Monday ze Earl of Hollovay-I go say Gallowsvay-demand if Lord
Granville have drop ze plan for ze evacuation of ze Soudan, Granville
get at him. I-e say he sink zat no. He do not see ze plan hanging on
ze floor. Ze Duke of Marlborough desire to know too much about ze
Conference. Lord Granville tell him he is verse zan his leetle bruzzare
Randy, and zat he vill tell ze Grand Ole Man if he is rude. I am
afraid Randy have spoil his family. And ze Duke seem such a nice
good young man too.
Zare are larks in ze Commons. Ze membares do not catch zem; on ze
hand vich is ze ozzare, ze Membares are. caught. Lots of zem have
made up nice leetle, and some not little nor nice, speeches on ze Vote
of Censure vich vas to come on to-night. Zey have repeat zem to ze
bosoms of zeir family. I believe, at breakfast, Sir Lawson upset ze

FUN. 21

Brown (of the Daily Chyrongraph).-" WELL, GOOD-BVE, OLD MAN; I
Jones (rising Artist on the Grafhistraled).-"HA! WHY, I'VE DONE

teapot vit ze vave of ze hand, vich vas to bring ze loud and continued
cheering. Quel malheur! Forster and Goschen come back vonce more
to the rescue of zeir comrades, and in zeir motion ze House, unlike ze
theatres, give precedence to ze Orders-of ze Day.
Tuesday.-Milor Cairns say he vill be first to move ze Lords give ze
Franchise Bill ze kick out. C'est le premier pas kick out, he say to me
in ver bad French. On ze ozzare side ze Premier inform Mr. Forster ze
cruelty in Egyptian prisons reported by Mr. Lloyd salt be seen to.
Malgri, Mr. Healy, ve all believe in Lloyds' Dispatch.
Vennisday.-Mr. Vitley sink zat Madame Justice should have theatres
in ze provinces, and not let ze country depend upon judicial strolling
players. He Vitley say ze Assize is a size or two too small.

A Chant re Churchill.
Lord Randolph was missing from the House during the last attempt at a Vote of
Censure. A Tory journal says that Lord Randolph "will yet regard his
speech om the Franchise Bill with shame on his burning cheeks."
WHAT I Randolph missing when there was a chance
Of flinging mud at Gladstone I Can it be?
No wonder, then, the Tories were at sea.
Had he been present, the bold withering glance
And reckless statements of the young free-lance
Would have struck terror to the Liberal crew,
And safely brought that Vote of Censure through.
Some hireling scribbler mocks at Randolph's speech,
The speech in which he jeered the Franchise Bill
(The speech that some have dared to call a screech "),
And says that shame his burning cheeks 'twill fill.
But, ah I that scribe to note we would beseech
That little Randy's method is unique,
And he is famous for his burning cheek."

ci To CORRESPONDENTS.-Th.e Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return,h or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

2 FUN. JULY 9, 884.

Miss S. D. (demurely).-" OH, THEN, WHEN YOU SAY LOVE,' MR. DARCY, IT

THERE has been a great amount of secrecy between the Governments SERIOUS MEM.-At a meeting of the Grand Loyal Orange Institution
of England and France about various subjects. As soon as trouble begins several gentlemen present did not peel off their opponents' ulsters with a
out come the secrets. Politicians are but human after all, surgical knife.

"The CLEAN Black Lead."
Successive awards Cad u r '
for Excellence of
Quality and CAUTION.-If
Cleanliness in use. D O M E Cocoa thickens in the

BLACK LEAD up, its proves the
BEWARE of Worthless Imitations. PUREl!! SOLUBLFIt. REFRFRHINAtlN

London: Prinatd by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street. NW., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at xss Fleet Street. E.C.
Wednesday, July 9th, 1884.

A June Song.
JUNE may be jolly with roses,
White ones, and red ones, and yellow;
Delicate food for our noses,
Sweet, and delicious, and mellow I
June is the joy of a fellow
Who may be wrong, but supposes
He has the love of a Gell "-oh I
Should he mistaken be I-Moses!
That month our love should be JUNE-O I
I shouldn't do for her lover,
Though she would save me, I do know,
Heavy expense with a glover-
Her hand ne'er wanted a cover.
But I expect I should soon owe
Pounds for the eggs of the plover-
Dinners and wine cost. Ah! you know.
JUL(Y)-IA-she will be better !
Goddesses don't suit rpy notion.
Yes, I will send her a letter-
Lay at her feet my devotion-
Say it is deep as the ocean-
Send her a ring as love's fetter-
Hope she will all other beaus shun-
Don't I just wish I may get her !

A Gain for a Loss.
OHr, freely lose a golden youth
To win a golden age !
Food for old Time's devouring tooth
We hold our heritage.
His bondsmen we-and as, in sooth,
Our life is villanage,
Oh, freely lose a golden youth
To win a golden age!
Death has no sympathy or ruth
In paying us our wage.
"What hast thou done?"-and only truth
Will figure on his page.
Oh, freely lose a golden youth
To win a golden age!

"This is not Sub Rosa."
OUR sub, sub-editor declares that a Peer of
the Realm absolutely managed to make a
sensible speech last night at the Nevermind-
where Club. The ducal oration was tersely
delivered in aristocratically sonorous tones, and
ran as follows: "The fossils of the political
past require regenerating. Radical jokes have
be m sprinkled on their bodies without satisfac-
tory results. Rubbing and stimulating their
bald heads with fresh raw onions has been
proved to be an idle work of supererogation;
but, my lords and gentlemen, even these fossils
might be galvanized into political life once
more by the continual use of Rose's Lime
Juice Beverages. I generally blend them with
spirits myself; but this, of course, is a mere
mafner of taste." The cheers were positively


--4YNC tV~ C~~p


I THINK Lord Granville was right, after all, Sir, in declining my
services as "Facetious Expert" at the Conference. Those "Financial
Experts who have been meeting and discussing so assiduously during
the past fortnight are, in fact, such mad wags themselves that the en-
gagement of a professional joker was quite unnecessary.
I never knew before what a rollicking kind of thing the study of
Finance is. I have learned a good many things, in fact, thanks to my
peepholes in the ceiling of the Conference Room, and I have come to
the conclusion, Sir, that a Financial Expert earns his honorarium much
more easily than the Extra-Special, who at this present moment, to in-
crease his dissatisfaction, is suffering from chronic inflammation of his
right eye, contracted-the chronic inflammation, I mean, not the right
eye-in the service of a great, but somewhat exacting journal.
You may have read in the papers, Sir, that the day after the first
gathering of the Conference, the Financial Experts accompanying the
various plenipotentiaries met for a preliminary exchange of views on
the monetary phases of the situation, and to initially examine the fiscal
proposals of Her Majesty's Government. Well, Sir, I was an eye-
witness of that meeting, and if I wished to describe its proceedings
briefly I would say that it was devoted principally to chaff of Mr.
Childers apropos to his debased half-sovereign. Blum Pacha, whom
you ought really to get upon your staff, Sir, began it, and then M. de
Blignieres and Tigrane Pacha chimed in till really our worthy Chancellor
of the Exchequer was so sorely beset that I was much tempted to take
up the cudgels for him and shout down appropriate repartees on his be-
half through my peepholes.
I made notes of most of the jokes, and I am bound to say that now,
on writing them out, they do not seem very first-class, but at the time
their effect was marvellous, and M. de Lion d'Airoles* especially was so
tickled at his colleagues' quips that he had to drink water and be patted
on the back by a protoculist.
Blum Pacha led off with a merry twinkle in his eye. "No, no," he
said, M. Schildairs he say he make de base half sovereign, but he
nevare Mint it, nevare I nevare "
In that case," put in Sir James Carmichael quietly, we might as
well call our Chancellor Henry of Nev-vare I'" which would have been

a better joke, Sir, had Mr. Childer's initial "H stood for Henry"
instead of "Hugh."
Then M. Barrere made the old joke about calling the proposed coins
"Illegitimate Childers;" and Baron Von Derenthal, the German
Expertist, suggested that if any one asked him if the current coin was
worth ten shillings, he should reply, "No-nein !"
"Come, come, gentlemen," cried Mr. Childers at last. Business,
if you please I Remember we are here to settle what per cent. Egypt
shall pay on her debt."
"Just zo," retorted the irrepressible Blum; "and dat is why ve are
all such very per-cent-able peoples, eh ?"
But enough, Sir, of these trivialities, which, I may tell you, were re-
newed on Monday last, and have been going on more or less nearly every
day since. Tigrane Pacha came out for the first time on Tuesday.
You must remember Mr. Childers had said "that we are met to con-
sider how to relieve the Egyptian exchequer."
Yes," snarled Tigrane, who sits next to Blum, I believe you are-
to relieve it of the money it contains "
M. Barrere was quite "huffy" at this, and wanted Tigrane's words
put down.
"You can put me down too," said the Turk, and there seemed a
chance of a row. But Mr. Childers soon guided the discussion into an
"unified channel again.
Really, Sir, there has been nothing else worth reporting so far ; but
my faithful, though inflamed, eye is still on guard, and you may rely on
its watchfulness.
If I were a Cockney joker, which I am not, Sir, I think something might be made
of this name, say a conundrum, for instance, such as, What is the difference between
the second French Financial Expert and our Extra-Special? Answer-One is a
Lion of the Air-oles, and the other the Lion of the Peepholes." But I only mention
this notion to discard it.-Y.E.-S.R.

FISH seem to be having a terribly crooked time. We were eating
grilled salmon steak and hot pickles the other morning, and glancing
over a paper, when we suddenly came upon the news that salmon disease
was rapidly spreading in the Dee. The climax had come. We uttered
a big Dee, and have lived on oatmeal gruel ever since; but that paste-
like mixture will have some complaint soon-we know it will.

VOL. XL.-NO. 100,Q


JULY 16, 1884.





HIE GRAND.-Genevi~ve de BLa-
,' bant is just the sort of piece that
may be revived at any moment with-
out much danger, consisting, as it
'' does, principally of opportunities
----- t I for the "cracking of topical
2---' i -wheezes" and the singing of songs
S which are established favourites.
4 It is a sine qua non, however, that
.-;' ,-'^ 'n. Madame Soldene should be the
.JiA !l..'.Y' Drogan. Genevieves may come,
a' nd Genevieves may go, burgo-
SImasters may alter, and Cocoricos
J': may change, but this Drogan goes
on for ever, and in any other shape
',..t he would indeed be strange. I'm
afraid to think how long ago I
THE GRAND.-THE BAKER BACK-ER- first, or how often since, I have,
GAIN. heard the ample young baker invite
his lady to "look down below,"
but it has always been the same young baker, and it has always been a
different lady. Well, it was in Islington they first saw light, all of them,
and here they are again in their natal spot, to the rejuvenescence of
Islingtonians, whom it is something of a euphemism, however, to call
merrie-for in truth they are a sad-browed and fried-fish-eating race.

It is really not at all badly done at the Grand, albeit in these days of
brilliant misse en scene, the weedy subordinates are hard to bear. Madame
Soldene sings the baker-boy's music with a fulness and sweetness of voice
nothing seems to impair; at times she indulges in that ad captandum
loud sostenuto to an extent which leaves her too breathless to go on with
the next note gracefully-pace what I suppose is called the "slumber song"
in the second act; at times, too, she acts with irritating and pointless
elaboration, as in the scene with the duchess in the second scene of the
first act; these and kindred faults no doubt arise from over familiarity
with the part, and on the whole, it is very pleasant and enjoyable.

Miss Rose Lee is a fairly efficient, though not very striking, Genevieve.
She articulates with commendable clearness, but her voice has a hard
resonance which is not altogether pleasant, and her pronunciation is
unmistakably cockney every now and then-for instance, in the serenade
duet, where she wishes to learn her serenader's "nime," and deprecates
being wooed to "shime." Miss Maude Haydon looks as if she might
do something as a pantomime hero (if she can dance); but she is quite
out of place in attempting bouffe-music. It seems a tradition that
Oswald (" the Duke's peculiar page "-and he is indeed a peculiar page)
should always be played by a vapid young lady with as much wrist-on-
hip and colourless insipidity as possible; and Miss Nelly Vesey does
nothing to disturb the wisdom of ages.

Mr. Frederick Eastman, as the Burgomaster, showed some skill in the
manufacture of telling jokes; but neither Mr. H. Lewens or Mr. W.
Quinton invested the parts of Cocorico or Golo with overwhelming
humour-they will pass, however, they will pass. The two Gendarmes
are as popular and interminable in their duet as ever, and the Eden
Troupe of dancers (two Adams and two Eves, as appropriately costumed
as the Lord Chamberlain will permit) dance a "Neapolitan Pas de
Quatre." It is an ice quadrille, but shows effort in execution.

ST. GEORGE's HALL.-This classic spot
was, on Friday afternoon the 4th, and Satur-
day evening the 5th, the scene of a "Grand
Complimentary Benefit" to Mr. Charles
Duval to celebrate his first London season.
Such anextraordinary things that could not be
S\ allowed topass without celebration, of course,
S-\ and so celebrated it was. A goodly show of
i kindly professionals "rallied round "; but
the principal event was the production on
Saturday evening of a little musical piece,
by Messrs. Malcolm C. Salaman and Eugene
Barnett, entitled Boycotted. Bright dialogue
and pleasant though unpretentious music
N. Combined to secure a decided "go."
A GRAND ROSE. THE LYCEUM.-There be those who will
A attribute it to the hot weather, and there be
those who will attributeit to lack of perception on the part of the au-
dience. There be those, moreover, who will attribute it to mere "cus-
sedness," but the fact remains that Twelfth Night, the latest Lyceum
revival, though presented with all the usual taste and thoughtfully ela-
borate care which distinguishes Mr. Irving's management, failed to

JULY 16, 1884.

obtain that necessary "grip" of the house which results in unequivocal
success. Mr. Irving, with a naivete which will probably amuse himself
when he comes to think of it, professed inability to understand what he
called "a discordant element" in a Lyceum first-night reception. Of
course we all know there is a sort of "in-
vited guest," private-party aspect in the
audience on such occasions, besides which, -
it is composed of individuals capable of en--
joying to the utmost the beauties of the poet ,, -,
in all their minute, and the skilful and ap- o-[ -. ".
preciative rendering of Mr. Irving's "corps j7 ,
of earnest comedians" without the, to them,
extrinsic aid of a closely interesting story. Z,
The pit and gallery, though, are indepen- -
dent of personal considerations, and require .
something of better workmanship-with all .
respect to the Bard-than the latter part of
Twelfth Night (I've always had the impu- I, I
dence to think that this play was written
under pressure of time and an importunate
manager-there's slap-dash hurry in its very .-
title). Mr. Irving should "remember that "
he is mortal," and it is not in him to corn- THE GRAND. CHARLES
mand success," though he may, and always MARTEL; NOT SO BAD, BUT
does, "do more Sempronius." MAR-TELLING.

Don't you jump to the conclusion, though, that there was anything
like absolute failure, or indeed, failure of any kind; there were a few
dissentients who very fairly reserved the expression of their dissent until
the final fall of the curtain-the larger demonstration was made by those
who resented their unexampled daring, an unsuccessful dramatist in the
stalls being particularly goading, but I do not think these can be taken
as representing the general opinion, though they break the unanimity.

Lovers of Shakespeare, admirers of beauty, and seekers after poetic
grace and the skilful exposition of the actor's art have as rich a feast set
before them in this revival as in any preceding one of the same series.
Mr. Irving's Malvolio is a very complete portrayal of self-complacent
egotism, human withal, and without a trace of caricature, its humanity
enabling him to excite pity in the dark room scene of the fourth act (here
shown with a divided scene with Malvolio in view of the audience) where
the practical joke is carried to the brutal extreme which may have been
passingly diverting to Elizabethan wits, but is one point of the play with
which the unstudent" portion of modem audiences are out of sympathy
(this and the anti-climax of the finish were, I think, the main causes of
Tuesday night's discontent). To the last point in the picture, I will be
revenged upon you all 1" Mr. Irving's conception is consistent, truthful,
and altogether admirable.
The varied phases of Viola's character-its tenderness, its sadness, its
girlish timidity, its sense of humour, its sharp wit, are portrayed by Miss
Terry with the graceful and gentle skill, the delicate sense of proportion
and light and shade we were all prepared for and received to the full.
Performances like these are not things to criticise, they are things to see
and enjoy and dream about; they are poetry, and as soon as ever I have
reached the bottom of this column I am going into my nice, cool library,
and I'm going to take down my Shakespeare, and thoroughly delight in
the master's creation in the light of the new individuality Miss Terry has
given it-nothing but iced strawberries and cream shall drag me forth,
and my wife
has orders to
loc k al 1 ,
printers'devils 1 i
in the refrige- '
Mr. Terriss
invests the a
CountOrsinio I
with due lan-
guor of love;

clercq takes a I BM
view of the
although she
did not succeed in making herself heard very well on the first night.
Mr. F. Wyatt's Aguecheek is decidedly fresh and individual, as well as
exceedingly comical, and neither Mr. Fisher's Sir Toby or Mr. Calhaem's
Fool are by any means bad impersonations, though they do not shine
amid the high standard of excellence surrounding them. Mr. F. Terry
played Sebastian easily, and Miss L. Payne made a point somewhat with
the madcap Maria. NESTOR.

JULY 16, 884. FUN. 2


THERE were three little Picturesque Reporters who set out, on behalf
of their three sensational newspapers, to find the superlatively driest
thing in creation. Having journeyed together as far as the end of Fleet
Street (where their fathers, the editors, lived), they embraced affec-
tionately, and parted with many tears. Many hours of toil and adven-
ture had elapsed when they all three met again at their house of call, the
"Sub-Editor's Arms," down Paste and Scissors Alley.
I may as well put you two out of your misery at once," said Dick,
the eldest of the three little Picturesque Reporters, "for I have found the
driest thing in creation. It is the Present Season."
Pooh I cried Tom, the second in age. I can beat that easily,
for I have found this," and he pulled out of his pocket the Sahara.
Bosh !" called out Harry, the littlest and most beautiful of the three.
"What is that for dryness in comparison with these ?" and he produced a
volume of jokes by FUN.
But as they yet disputed, their eyes were simultaneously attracted by
an old gentleman with long hair, who was panting along with his tongue
out-the very picture of parchedness. This old gentleman threw away
the pebble he was sucking, bolted into the Station Hotel," and poured
down the longest drink three barmaids could draw by their united
efforts ; then he panted out, and sucked another pebble until he reached
the "Greyhound bar; then, still pursuing his way along George Street
and into Hill Street, he sought relief at the Queen's Head and the
Eagle," kicked vainly at the closed "Castle," patronized the "Tal.
hot" and the "King's Head" by the bridge, looked in at the "Roe-
buck" and the "Queen's," turned down to the "Lass of Richmond
Hill," and finished up with a cask of curacao and soda at the "Star and
Garter." Then he emerged, looking drier than ever.
The three little Picturesque Reporters gazed one upon another, and
murmured simultaneously, "'Tis he that we seek I He is the driest
thing in creation I" That old gentleman was Father Thames at Rich-

SIR,-" Ain't it 'ot ?" I should think it was I The very butterman
who has rendered the remark famous must feel himself a melted butter-
man this weather. I wish we could have a little wet.* This dry weather's
bad for the crops. The Prophet has two rows of broad-beans in his
back-yard, and they're covered with green fly. The Old Man rather
girds at rearing pulse for green fly to batten on, so he's going to sit
under the shadow of those beans and smoke. Perhaps you'll say this
isn't sport. Pooh! You don't understand the intoxicating rapture of
the bean-fly chase. It isn't hossy though, I admit.
There is nothing hossy that I care about just at present, though. I'm
keeping my eye on the Goodwood entries, but it's too far ahead for me
to commit myself to any particular animal. Still, there's Duncan in the
Stakes, and Tonans, and Corrie Roy, and (mark you!) Florence, for
any one who likes to make a long shot; while, for the Cup, St. Gatien,
Quicklime, Ossian, and Tristan are available for the same exercise.
Oh! far in the future the Goodwood arises.
And distance's glamour encircles the view,
Till all of us see ourselves winners of prizes,
With wild celebrations of soft mountain dew.
In carving the Stakes, soon the Fates will apportion,
And lift the bright Cup to the fortunate lip,
And though the Old Prophet disclaims all extortion,
Two-ten is the price of his very straight tip.
Which sum may be sent to him in the shape of five-pound notes or
diamond rings, as preferred. Meantime, who sent you John Jones for
the Liverpool Cup ? Why, who but
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
At some one else's expense, we dare wager.-Eo.

"Is it conceivable that men, other than lunatics, believe, at this moment, that the
House of Lords, by checking the infatuated career of the extremely Lower House, is
not doing a public service? . Thank goodness, the Peers can interpose i
check."-St. Stephen's Review.
AH, sadly we have been reviled, we nobles of this nation;
Yea, ridicule has dared to jeer at us, the earth's Alite ;
Some, even, say that most of us but hamper legislation,
And our doddering and fuming they with laughter always greet.
They pooh-pooh our votes of censure and our threats of Bill-rejection,
And nearly all the journals try our glorious fame to wreck,
But a certain periodical has come to our protection,
With those blessed words, "Thank goodness, Peers can interpose a
check !"
'Tis a check not often honoured, though, in this ungrateful nation;
But still we'll check that Gladstone, and that Dilke-the fiendish
elves I
And we'llcheck rude Home Sec. Harcourt, who'd attack the Corpora-
For the Aldermen and Mayor all hold opinions like ourselves.
Besides, that splendid print (we mean, of course, that Tory journal),
Declares all men are lunatics who don't believe each Peer
Is doing Britain service, when, by industry diurnal,
He (for half-an-hour a day, say), checks the Lib'rals mad career I
Lunatics? why, certainly I they must be mad who doubt us;
For, though you wouldn't think it, we possess a deal of notes.
As you'll observe, that paper says the realm can't do without us,
And please note, it calls the Commons "an extremely Lower House I"
So you see, we're far superior, although we suffered greatly,
Through those votes of censure failing, when proposed by our allies;
But that sixpenny'ss kind sympathy will help us in sedately,
Combating with this Franchise Bill, that Liberals dearly prize.
For we'll issue sundry "whips," to draw our noble friends together,
In order that this Bill, that's framed to please the common herd,
May, on its second reading in the "Lords," have stormy weather,
That we may multilate it, or reject it, in a word.
Lo, many a noble lord, who's not for months or years been present,
Will emerge from his retirement (maybe one will come from jail) ;
Ah I what we mean to do will make the Premier feel unpleasant,
And Britain, sure, with gratitude our valiant deed will hail I

We have done it I we have done it I we've thrown out that Franchise
Ha, ha ho, ho likewise, he, he I How glorious how brave I
Friend Carnarvon's tearful, telling speech, we listened to with pleasure,
And so England from that horrid Bill we straightway vowed to save.
A noble in his duty to his nation ne'er relaxes
(Especially when a chance occurs to trample on Reform),
So we burked that Bill-and yet the world's revolving on its axis;
And now, oh, horror I don't you hear a coming of the storm ?

Should you not Believe this, ask Brookes himself.
IT is just barely possible that the brain has something to do with the
mind," said the professor, with his usual cold politeness. "I 'm rather
fond of science," whispered the golden haired orphan, "but do tell me
something you are sure about," and she proudly raised her head as if she
had said something funny.
The company at Lady Doubleyou's hop," which was mixed in the
beginning of the evening, had gradually become more so, but all present
were happy. Artists did their best to make sketches, journalists to
make copy, mashers to make themselves objectionable, card players to
make money, paid musicians also when not committing themselves to
the manufacture of discordant noises were trying to make themselves
more or less merry at the host's expense. Much harmless humour and
tearful wit was wafted about, yet all eyes opened to their widest extent,
and all ears stretched out to their most reverential limit as the professor
was heard to exclaim in stentorian tones, I know the Sea Foam Brand
of Potted Fish and Meats to be excellent either for breakfast, lunch, or
tea." And just as I was going to fetch his wife to him on account
of his flirty ways," growled Aunt Matilda to the cornet man. "His
'abits is degradin', marm, that's my opinion," returned the brazen
promoter of harsh sounds, though he knew nothing about the subject.

A French "Leave."
EVEN those who advocate the leaving of the Egyptians to stew in
their own juice," would loudly protest were it thought that our Govern-
ment meant to leave Egypt in a stew with a French Grevy I

26 FUN. UnLtY t6, 1884.

"Constable, cut off all my hair; they will not give me a vote, and I will be a martyr. This will make that Gladstone smart! said the "Woman's Rights" lady.
And it was observable that a strange old gentleman stood by, and chuckled peculiarly.
-:--:.11 ,',/i / .i".! H ---, 1 I

-'-- .
7. ....

? ^

S(~b vI\tI ~ _____________ -

"There, you Gladstone tyrant-look at me and be miserable I" said she. But, if you'll credit it, the Prime Minister enjoyed his breakfast just as much as before I
And the old gentleman still chuckled.


FUN.-JULY 16, 1884.




~-C'~ 0A.e
~: 7


(See Cartoon.)
BANG! bang! bang!
What a din and clang 1
Westminster and Wimbledon
Volunteers ignore
Peace, to form the gang,
Drumm'd and fifed and cymbal'd on,
That shall make the biggest score.
Bang! bang! bang!
Crack! crack! crack!
Targets they attack,
Exercising wonderful
Energy and "grit";
They've of arms no lack,
Arms of flash and thunder full,
But don't always make a hit.
Crack! crack! crack!

Pop! pop! pop?
Will they never stop ?
At a quite unreckon'd rate
Shooting still they go.
All can't reach the top:
Some must prove but second-rate-
Baffled, beaten; well, if so?
Pop! pop! pop!

TULY 16, 1884. FUN. 29

"You seem to have a bit of trouble with him, your Sanctity," re-
marked FUN. He had taken a turn back into past centuries, and was
watching St. Dunstan's differences with a gentleman in black.
Oh, I can manage him ; I flatter myself I'm a few too many for
him," said St. Dunstan, critically balancing a new and elegant pair of
tongs; though he's an awful character, between ourselves, and capable
of anything! I sometimes positively shudder at the things he'll do to
gain his ends."
"I just stepped into see how you managed with parties of that kind,"
said FUN ; "for the fact is, I'm troubled with one of them too."
My dear boy," said the saint (not without a twinkle of conscious
superiority in his eye), send him to me--I'lldeal with him. He can't
be worse than this fellow."
FUN shook his head dubiously, thanked the saint for his courtesy, and
strolled round to Albertus Magnus, who happened to be just in the act
of calling up a fiend.
"You won't mind my stepping into the circle?" said FUN; "I'm
particularly anxious to have a lesson in dealing with that kind of gentry."
Certainly-certainly. Step in ; don't kick over that jam-pot full of
toad's froth-mind the black cats'-tails. That's it."
"You must find this class of fiend troublesome to deal with?" said
FUN, as a particularly ugly demon appeared in the magic mirror.
"So, so," replied Albertus; "but I flatter myself I can deal with
any class of fiend."
"Well, there's a fiend that troubles me a good deal, said FUN. But
I have my doubts whether-excuse my bluntness-you could cope with
him-or her; for it's not always a he."
Well, send him-or her-along; that's all you have to do," replied
Albertus confidently.

"Hum! I'll send him, or her," replied FUN. That can't do any
harm; but you won't care about the job."
"Here-you FUN Nice trick you've played me I Good heavens 1
take away this fiend of yours that you've sent me, d'ye hear ? screamed
St. Dunstan. The good saint's hair stood bolt upright; he trembled
all over; the utmost loathing and horror were depicted in his features ;
his most trusty and stoutest pair of tongs had fallen from his nerveless
hand. I've been used to bad 'uns-wicked 'uns-ghastly 'uns-but
as to having any conception of an enemy of mankind so bad, wicked,
and ghastly as this-take it away! It has frightened poor Beelzebub
quite tame, and he's crept down my neck for protection."

"Hi Bless my soul Look here !" yelled Albertus Magnus.
"Help I won't have this thing here. I'm frightened of it; I feel
quite sick I I'm not used to--"
Well, I told you this fiend would be too much for both of you," said
Yes; we can put up with ordinary fiends," they both said; "but
such a sickening fiend as this-who on earth is he, or she? "
Oh, only one of the creatures who have to be summoned for letting
houses in an unsanitary condition when the cholera is about," replied
FUN. "You'll find their names in the police reports."

An Erith-metical Question.
THE inhabitants of Erith have lately had the audacity to complain
because the Thames in their neighbourhood is nearly black, and has a
most offensive and nauseating odour-so much so that it is feared an
epidemic will arise there unless some precautions are taken at once.
Some people are never satisfied. Fortunately, however, no one Erith,
or, at least, heedeth their appeals. Serve them right-for standing it.

KING TAWHAIO haz cum over here ona mishun. I heven't inkuered
what hiz mishun iz, but I shud fancy it haz got something to doo with
mewsik hauls.-O. E. P.

NEW SERIES, No. 30. AIR-" Cousin Susan." '

Don't you say you ain't my cousin,
Or my news I shall refuse.

I IE little whipper-
Who follows
me about
Believes he's
neat and
I haven't any
I is get up's very
His eye-glass
in his eye;
lie thinks ihat
me he's
Although I
won't reply
To his-Here I
Hi I Cousin
Have you
heard the
latest news?
(bis and dance)

There's France has just presented
America, I see,
The biggest sculp invented,
It's christened "Libertee";
And warm Miss Muller waxes-
The weather's warm, you'll note-
And will not pay her taxes,
Because she has no vote.
Here I Hi Cousin Susan I
Have you heard the news ? (bis and dance)
They've collared bits of furniture,
Because she wouid refuse.

They've had a gay regatta
On Henley's classic tide;
That Merchant Shipping matter
Has just been put aside;
They strike the noisy pedals,
And lunch with China man;
The Queen's presented medals
To soldiers from Soudan.
But here Hi! Cousin Susan I
Have you heard the news ? (bis and dance)
The Lords to pass the Franchise Bill
Decidedly refuse.
High Harrow's had itsfesta,
A speech day (and a drink?);
The people of Manchesta
Are lucky dogs, I think;
It's jolly fine to be 'um,
I further would remark-
They've got an Art Museum
(A new one) in Queen's Park.
And here I Hi Cousin Susan I
Have you heard the news? (bis and dance)
'Twas opened by Mundella-
A proper chap to choose.

And, oh I just remember,
And in the proper place,
They've put off till November
The Finney-Garmoyle case;
They're trying things that fetter
A Minister of State;
But Russell Lovell's better,
I'm happy to relate.
But here Hi! Cousin Susan!
Have you heard the news? (bis and aance)
Hallo I She has avoided me,
By cutting down the mews I

30 U N'J'T JULY 16, 1884.

A SONG, a song to Brighton,
The beautiful, the airy,
So fair and wide,
To Sussex pride,
To London-super-mare 1
i- |. Ye toilers in the dusty dens
4. Where money's made and
F a' health is lost,
Ye weilders worn of tired
Come on, nor stay to count
the cost,
I'm off to Brighton and the
A very flabby, drooping
But come and see what I
shall be
Two hours hence, or less,
at Brighton.
A song, a song, &c.
From Hove to Kemp Town,
four glad miles
Of promenade and fresh
If that's not worth a fellow's smiles,
He's hard to please, I hope he'll own.
Then there's the West Pier, broad and bright,
The Grand Hotel for gilded gluttons ;
For sudden claims of appetite
There's, ever ready, snacks at Mutton's.
A song, a song, &c.
For James and 'Tilda, not for me,
The Skylark spreads her swelling sails,
And offers shilling trips to sea,
With all the joys of Channel gales.
So much the sons of Poplar's shore,
And daughters too, find their delight on
The heaving billows at the Nore,
Or three miles off the coast of Brightc n,
A song, a song, &c.
Then there's the cool Aquarium,
Where fishes play the oddest
pranks, .......
From all the oddest places come, II P i|i
With mermaids, who are not P,
in tanks;
Where fewer persons congregate
The conger eels to fix their ( .
sight on, i
To dote on devil-fish or skate, -
Than just to see the belles o.f ..
Brighton. '
A song, a song, &c.
Come on! When summer's high '
and hot,
When winter's skies are low
and cold,
In all the land there's not a spot -
Where pleasures more cheaply
When wrinkling worry, carking
Has driven me to the verge of -
pity, '
By L. B. and S. C. I'm there ..
In ninety minutes from the -.' -
Come, come away to Brighton,
The cheerful and the airy ;
Cast care aside
And take a ride
To London-super-mare.

THE particular commodity which the French people are dealing in
just now.-Frank-incense.

Li FONG PAO, the celebrated celestial diplomatist, recently informed
M. Ferry that China is not
hostile to France, even a
little wee morsel. He further
observed that the Lang-son
"incident took place

it. Chinese politicians are

their veracity than those
of other nations, therefore
C we wonder if Li meant truth
on this occasion, or whether
b e s he was merely working his
Level best for his country
if--: and the other Li, by men-
\ -dacities.
.THE Lang-son "inci-
dent is as galling to the
Gauls as the Laing's Nek
"incident" was to us, and proves that French soldiers are not invincible
when confronted by Chinese regulars.

HOWEVER matters turn out eventually, we trust that the French
Government will not insist that poor Li Hung Chang be Li Hung
c-hanged. This Li Hung Chang, by the way, is no relation to the cele-
brated show giant, who was so frequently drawn while he was quartered
in London.

THE Temrfs says, "Chinese do not know how to observe treaties."
They would be a considerably more honest nation than Europe possesses
if they did.

THE Marquis of Lorne informed us lately that "In the old days it was
said that boys were taught to speak the truth and to ride." It is diffi-
cult to judge how far back the noble Marquis dates; but we recollect
when it was the fashion to "horse" boys who were of too poetic a turn
of mind. A wooden quadruped was used to assist in the lessons, the
memory of which has not been effaced from us up to now.

LOTS of wonderful things were taught in the good old days besides
the difficult arts of speaking the truth and riding. After youths had left
school and entered sternly into the business of life, kindly employers
would try to inculcate habits of thrift and economy, by insisting on their
juvenile employs going without their dinners; such indulgences being
called costly, and a waste of time. Cobbett, who was a very good moral
teacher, once engaged a lad as an amanuensis, a position for which he
at first seemed qualified. On the clerkly youth expressing a rather strong
desire one day to go out and have some dinner, Cobbett whispered softly
in his ear, saying, "Let the dinner you must wait upon to-day have your
constant services, then, for you and I shall never agree." The wicked
hungry one tearfully had his dinner of bread and cold trotters; but it
did not agree with him any better than his master did, which served the
lad quite rightly for his insufferably scandalous conduct.

"LAWKs a mussy I Who'd have thought it ?" Nobody can say
that English justice is not tempered tenderly to the atrocious criminal
now. "Mercy," please accept our congratulations for actually going so
far out of your way as to reduce a sentence of fifteen years' penal servi-
tude, inflicted for the heinous crime of stealing fowls, to TEN.

Two hundred and ninety-three persons were killed while trespassing
on the various railway lines of the United Kingdom during the year
1883, but only four donkeys met with sudden death from the same cause.
Yet wise man feels insulted if he is called an ass-even by his ownest
THE report that hailstones the size of goose eggs recently fell at
Aschulfy, in Russia, is supposed to have been hatched by an addle-
pated party who was well pelted, for a misdemeanor, with genuine but
ancient productions of domestic fowls. It is astonishing what wild
mistakes some people make.

THE leaves of Mr. Henry Rose's "Biographical Sketch" of Mr.
Henry George, the agitator, are likely to be turned over by a consider-
able number of people. Some investigators who differ with Mr. George's
political opinions are certain to cry out, and run to tell their big brothers
directly a few thorns stick into them. Then won't there be a rare hubbub
raised again ?

. JULY 16, 1884.

Radical Peers.
MR. LABOUCHERE asked Mr. Gladstone last week
If Radical peers he would try to create,
In order to baffle the Tory peers' clique,
And keep them from thwarting Reform in the State;
But surely friend Labby has somehow forgot
That when men are made peers they to Rank always bow.
His notion's a bit inconsistent, is't not ?
A Radical peerage would seem a strange lot-
The Lords are a radical blot enough now.

The Eyes Have It.
"WHOM the gods love die young," 't is writ;
But pupils of the eye
Upon a notable plan have hit
To win longevity.
For 't is by linking their lot with tears
Olympus shows its hate;
In the meanwhile purchase they length of years,
Contracting to di(e)-late.

Re Randolph.
IT is said that Lord Randolph, on returning to his duties
in Parliament, stated that he had not been seriously ill.
The nature of his indisposition is supposed by some to have
been political."
AH, yes I politically Lord R. C.
Has, we regret to say, been very ill;
He had a fever first, and raved at G.,
But his reception was so cool that he
Then suffered from a very nasty "chill."

Hull-eau !
THE Duke of Argyll, at the close of his speech on the
Franchise Bill the other night, sat down upon a glass of
water from which he had been drinking. Persons who
Ar-gyll-less might perhaps exclaim, "What a verre-y awk-
ward man his Grace must be! But he isn't.

THE fact of our being mere clay accounts for more people
getting cracked in hot weather than in cold, and also accords
a fair reason why every human being dislikes being baked.



FRIDAY, ze 4 July.-Milor Salisbury selon Milor Granville have been
making archery sketches vat you call drawing ze bow vich is long. Like
ze peacock, he sink lots of himself and his tale is ver pretty, but zare is
nozzink in ze tale zat ze Government Vips told Mr. Cotes and Mr. Duff
to be turn-Cotes and Duffers. Milor Granville must reverse ze proverb
Italiinne. It sall be "Si ben trovate W non 6 vero." Sir Harcourt tell
ze Commons he desire to say few vords on public business. I say just
now it is ver good business-vill he stand a coolers ? BientSt I stand
undare. It is not ze business of ze public house he mean. Ze Govern-
ment desire to take ze night of Tuesday from private Membares. Ven
ze cat she is avay, ze mice he vill have a larks. Ze Premier, poor old
chappies, is not vat you say up to Richards. Mr. Ashmead Bartletts
sink he vill carry on. Ze Espikare say if he do not dry up sharp he vill
notice his conduct. I say, "Mr. Espikare, ole man I Do nozzink of ze
kind-it is beneaz your notice." He say he sink so tree. It is so jolly
sultry everybody vish for rain. Ve get it. In ze House Torrens come
down on ze London Government Bill. Sir Dilke come down on Torrens
also on ze Vestries. "Just like you Radicals," say an alderman to me,
"down on all Vestried Interests."
Monday.-To-night ze House of Lords is full o'peers, zat is, appears full.
Milor Kimberley bring in ze leetle Franchise Bill. Ze noble lords may
kick out ze leetle stranger, but, mafoi! zey vill hurt zemself ze most.
Milor Cairns move amendment. Ze noble lords are not, he say, to be
threatened into passing measures. As ze man say of ze pint pot viz ze
bottoms out, zis measure is incomplete. Ze Duke of R. Gyll support ze
Bill, but ze Earl of Jersey (I suppose he is so call because he use to
year one at Lillie Bridge, vare he vas ze Jersey Lillie Bridge) oppose
it. Zare is annozare Richmond also in ze field-ze Duke from ze Vood
vich is good. Ze debate is adjourn. Mr. Labouchere sink ze Constitu-
tion is like ze bridge of Putney, and reqvire new peers. Ze Bradlaugh
var cry is becoming a leetle ancient. Thomas ze truthfuls may play ze
new card to more advantage. Down vit ze Peers, and up vit-- T.T.
Ve go in Committee on Army Estimates.
Tuesday. -Milor Carnarvon sink ze class government vich ze Franchise

Bill vill establish vill not be first-class. He object to ze Billingsgate
vich have been use regarding ze Lords. Pourquoi, milor? Zey have be-
have fishy tovards it. Maintenant, at ze vord of ze Peers Franchise Bill
disappears. Sir Dilke and Joe Corkhouse go have drinks, ze Lords have
play into zeir hands. In ze Commons Mr. MacFarlane considare ze
Sheriff Court at Partree ven it send to prison ze tacksman Martin vas on
ze vrong tack, as vell as ze vrong tackman. All ve can hear from ze
Lord Advocate is Macloud," but ve reqvest Maclouder. Regarding
ze Mecca collision ze Membare for Glasgow and her son, zat is, Ander-
son. demand if ze Portuguese Government have Meccan apology ?
Vennisday.-Mr. Jim Louder zink ze drainage of ze House should be
seen to; & present it is only smelt to. Ze Espikare suggest Committee
of Drainage. I say, to be sewer-I am on ze jobs, and I go have a
drain all at ze vonce.
Sursday.-Great joy among ze partridges. Zey can sit on zeir nests
in safety, for ze peers vill have to sit on ze Voolsack. No end of rows
in ze Commons. Randy Randiloquent. Sir Hicks Beach sinks ze Pre-
sident of ze Local Board not above board. Ze Premier try to patch up
ze row and approach ze Distant Shore, I go say Beach.

A YOUNG LADY, by displaying great ability and indomitable industry,
has gained the degree of Master of Arts. When her own heart is mas-
tered by a lover (which it may be at present-let us hope so), and she
consequently and subsequently gets married, will domestics have to call
her master or mistress?

A CRUEL rumour is flying round with the aid of scandal's pleasantly-
coloured wings-viz., that the Queen of Holland has been seen at
Kissengen taking a "bus." This conduct is not considered by the other
crowned heads of Europe to be the Dutch cheese-at all-at all.

WHICH is the quickest way to get to the Health Exhibition ?-By
rail. Take a third-class ticket and get there in a second.

W To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

32 F U N JULY 16, 1884.

A Ticket for Love.
t"I '.M aware that I haven't a heart,
But am perfectly sure of its whereabouts;
HOTTESTI could point out the place on a chart,
For 't is where my heart's LOVE is-or thereabouts.
',The earth's not a very big ball,
S. And the most of its surface of water is,
OSo 't is not a hard thing at all
To discover where any one's daughter is.
I know to what place I can write,
And I know when my letter '11 be reaching her;
I fervently hope that the sight
Of my words that she loves will be teaching her.
ofI '11 post my note to her to-day,
And await the reply with anxiety;
And if she should give me a Nay,"
I will fly what the world calls "Society."

She 's written !-one word-but 't is "Yes!
How delightful is loving mortality!
Life looks fair and good with success,
When before 't was all sham and rascality.
I 've lived-and I've loved-not in vain:
I have done with all cynical snappiness;
I'm off by the very next train,
And my FAIR is the ticket for happiness!

To poker, shovel, tongs,
Which bask before my fire,
In great degree belongs
The comfort of their buyer.
But, to a feeling heart,
Their service loses splendour,
When, having played their part,
HIS SH R T S R BH, They lie about their vendor (fende ).

Sub (to the Major, just returned from Egy5t with the V.C.).-" BY JOVE, Epigram.
MAJOR YOU'VE SEEN SOME SERVICE. WHICH DO YOU CONSIDER THE A MAN has been sentenced to one year's imprisonment for
The Major.-" ONE IN THE QUEEN'S BENCH YEARS AGO-FOR BREACH Now, no one need be less surprised than he;
OF PROMISE." He stole a yacht, and found himself at sea.

NEW LEAVES. The journal of Decorative Art.-To both students and operators of
THE Boy's Own Paper, summer number, and Sunlight," the summer decorative art this journal must be a boon.
number of the Girl's Own Paper, are both highly praiseworthy produc- Pitman's Musical Monthly, beyond its other attractions, has a fas-
tions. The readers of the latter will be pleased with the pages of portraits cinating portrait of Miss Fortescue.
of the authors and authoresses who so constantly contribute to their en- The English llustrated.-The Unsentimental Journey through
joyment. nu rsCornwall" is completed. The "Royal Collection of Miniatures at Wind-
The July numbers of these journals are good, as usual, and the Leisure sor is interesting. The other contents are attractive.
Hour, and Sunday at Home, are equally good.
Longman's has the beginning of a new story by Bret Harte, and a Ready Shortly. Price One Shilling.
good beginning too.
Household Wordsis alwaysfullofhealthyliterature, and an abundance T ITI H W R ITA
of good useful information. The summer number of this journal contains B II S W R IN
a series of excellent stories.
The Century.-Without wishing to make any invidious distinction By One who does not Believe in Him,
where all are so good, we may point to Mr. Harry Fenn's illustrations AND OTHER SKETCHES
to "Scenes of Hawthorne's Romances" as specially deserving of notice.
St. Nicholas is full of charming work, which we do not venture to By J. F. SULLIVAN.
particularize. There is a fine fascinating frontispiece.
The Ladies' Gazette of Fashion contains numerous fresh varieties of


*A cup, its proves the
addst on of Starch. ~I Hae met with general appr nation. Write as smoothly as a
PURE!!' SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING9!! raze edbybanewvprocess. SiPrizeMe asaswarded.Assorte
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at i53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July z6th, 1884.

JULY 23, 1884. FU N 33


" Geordie's gaun to the Healtheries I" But his mother's efther him I "Puir auld body I

TIME-The Dawn of Reason and justice in Men.
FIRST AGITATED ENGLISHMAN. Oh, woe I Oh, rash and ill-considered
step I
Oh, end of As It Should Be, and oh, dawn
Of social havoc and domestic chaos !
They've done it in assembled Parliament
SECOND A. E. Too well I wot that thou dost criticise
The passing of the Female Suffrage Bill,
FIRST A. E. Thou hast a wife?
SECOND A. E. I have.
FIRST A. E. She darned thy socks
As duty prompted ?




Oh, she did-she did i
She planned the morrow's joint-concerned herself
With pastry, and the number of thy collars
That hied them to the wash; when eventide
Merged into night, she mixed thy cheerful grog.
The milkman knew her step-the butcher's boy
Dwelt on her words-the baker-
Oh, I pray you
Call up these reminiscences no further I
(in a hard and grating voice terrible in its evidence of
despair) Andnow-and NOW. I tell theethat thy socks
Shall pine undarned; the morrow's joint, unplanned,
Shall fade upon the butcher's cruel hook;
The name of '"pastry" shall be Greek to thee;
And for one dozen collars that shall find
Their friendless way, uncounted, to the wash,
One shall return to thee a grisly wreck
Of iron-moulded raggedness and stains I
The milkman, butcher, baker, tearless-orbed,
With hollow hopelessness shall wait her step
For aye and ever : for she has a vote I
But where the polling-booth's destroying pile
Rears its unhallowed pride, her hand shall grasp
The cross-recording pen that layeth waste.
Now shall she hover round the candidate,
Now head a deputation to the Office
For Home Affairs-

FIRST A. E. Oh, Jones, I know it all!
Vainly I strove to keep the news from her
Of hot debates upon this burning question
That racked the House-concealed the Daily News,
And hid the Telegraph beneath the rug.
Vainly I urged (a thing I have not done
For many years) extensive purchases
Of beige and poplin, serge and grenadine,
Of rubies, pearls, and eighteen carat gold.
She routed out the columns of debates,
She raved of man's oppression, and of votes,
And now--1

SECOND A. E. And now-Hark how the citizens
Chant forth the-dirge of domesticity !
Chorus of Miserable Englishmen :-
Climbs o'er the thimble's tarnished dome the ivy drear;
Lonely, the beetle shuns the range where all is cold.
Free through the pantry tabbies roam, and know not fear.
Slowly the uncooked piecrusts change from new to old I
Omen of ill, oh, Women's Franchise Bill I
Depressing fact, oh,Female Suffrage Act I [A short time elapses,
SECOND A. E, Give thee good day Come in and drain a cup.
My wife, a model for all earthly spouses,
Whose very step is home-whose every act
Is concentrated domesticity-
Will make thee cheer, the sphere of womanhood.
FIRST A. E. Thou hast a wife ?
SECOND A. E. Oh, yes-a perfect wife !
Our simple home, a bonnet now and then
Absorb her-
FIRST A. E. I have just another such;
And were it not for her I'd take thine offer.
But she awaits me.
Once at home, I rest
From thoughts of stock and share, of corn and tallow,
Of Parliament and votes-Ah, by the way,
Did they not pass, some little time ago,
Some Bill or other giving women votes ?
SECOND A. E. "Well, now you speak of it, I think they did;
And twenty British dames, accustomed all
To speak at meetings, used the privilege.

Barraud, Barrett, and Chatterton.
MR. BARRAUD has produced some pathetic photographic pictures of
Mr. Wilson Barrett as Chatterton. These touching, though not too
much "touched-up pictures, are natural as life. But what have we
to do with sentiment? Poor Chatterton, in No. I, tries hard to poison
himself by sucking his pen, but the smell from a tallow candle, placed
in a prominent position .near his nose, revives him for the time. In
No. 2 Chatterton has opened his trunk (we mean his box, of course),
and scattered about his MSS. recklessly; the patches on the knees of
his breeches even are bursting with suppressed emotion. He contem-
plates removing his head from his trunk perhaps, but changes his mind.
Yet the tragic end is approaching, and is depicted in No. 3, which shows
the morbidly-minded lad defunct, killed by his own hand, and stretched
upon his humble pallet, looking innocent and beautiful. According to
Mr. Barraud's pictures, Chatterton in his poverty did not neglect ablu-
tionary arrangements; and his washerwoman must have trusted him,
for his linen is scrupulously clean, and affords an agreeable contrast to
the collars and cuffs of some of our rising young authors of the present
day. Tender-hearted girls give pretty little sniffs as they gaze at the
pictures of Wilson Barrett Chatterton, Esq.

VOXL. XL.-NO. IOQ21003.

34 FUN.. JuLY 23, 1884.

HE NOVELTY.-Travestie, or
burlesque proper, enjoying a re-
vived popularity just now, it was
not to be expected that so pro-
mising a subject as Messrs. Conway
and Carr's successful drama, Called
Back, should be allowed to escape.
Accordingly, a version of the woes
and excitements of Pauline and
SGilbert has been produced here
with the somewhat arbitrary title,
I The Scalded Back, somewhat arbi-
trarily worked up to.
ha The author, Mr. W. Yardley,
has not been extraordinarily suc-
cessful: he has relied for fun al-
most solely on the imitations of the
"f L original exponents of the charac-
ters. Monotony would be the
certain result of this in any case,
THE LycEUM.-MIss TERRY AS A MuSI. and as the imitation of Mr. Bellew
CIAN-PLAYING A VIOLA. by Mr. Nicholls is not a bit like
it" in voice, although in action
and attitude it is very comically exact; and as Miss Venne has scarcely
perfected her burlesque of Miss Lingard's deliberate utterance and studied
attitudes, although she's nearly "got it," monotony sets in rather too
early to be pleasant, and refuses to leave till the piece is finished.
Mr. H. W. Lambert makes the all-round best mark of the lot. Nature
has gifted him with the requisite lankness, and he has caught Mr. Beer-
bohm-Tree's manner very happily: he follows him point after point with
unfailing success, and if his performance seems to miss fire somewhat, it
is because he suffers, as his companions suffer, from the prevailing bald-
ness and pointlessness of the dialogue.
Mr. W. H. Dennydoes not attempt any close imitation of Mr. Anson;
but he makes some fun out of the part, and contributes his share to the
humorous rendering of a comic song, "We know all about that," sung
with Mr. Nicholls. Messrs. F. Kerr, H. Eversfield, and Miss Lesley
Bell play small parts exceptionally well.

The writing of the piece is not without humour-a burlesque version
of For ever and for ever," principally from the clever rendering of
Miss Venne and Mr. Nicholls though, caused considerable amusement,
and gained a hearty encore: a chess song, sung by Miss Venne, has
fancy, though it is handicapped by an unpleasant tune; and It is a
long worm that has no turning is a funny expression.

A funnier line, though, is one which runs, With her I could live,
without her wither." It's almost a pity that Mr. Burnand should have
invented it years and years ago, and put it into a burlesque, called The
Beast and the Beauty, at the Royalty. I daresay Mr. Yardley meant
no harm, and didn't know how he came by it, but the line had an odd
effect on me. It suddenly and quite unexpectedly called up (called
back, if you like) the faces of two who have long gone over to the great
majority-merry Patty Oliver (who was the Beauty), ahd the droll
Dewar (who
was the Beast). ... ..
I saw a whole -
string of merry AND O
"Royalty bur t --
lesques (as o .
they were call-
eye before I
could drag my-
self back to the .
present, and
how we do
things now. a
With a little
working up, I
should think
Back, or Comin' or SIGHT AND Our OF MIND.
Scars-to give
it its full title-might be made funny enough to pass an hour merrily,
but it is not a grand effort.
THE OLYMPIC (Mornixg),-A three-act play, with the curious cha-

racteristic of being exceptionally strong in its two first acts, and excep-
tionally weak in its third, was produced here on the Ith. It was an
adaptation of Mr. W. D. Howells's novel, "A Foregone Conclusion;"
and Mr. W. Poel, who, as he responded to a call for the author, I take
the liberty of supposing is the adaptor, calls it Priest or Painter. The
former title was so applicable to the state of things at the end of the
second act, that the last act was quite superfluous. A little gathering
together of the threads at the end of the second act (or this might end
with the second scene, and a third act be made out of the remainder),
and a good strong drama would be the result. The main idea is an ex-
cellent one, and story and characterization alike are powerful and original
in the extreme.
Except that Mr. Poel chose to appear in the principal part himself-
a task for which he proved himself in every way unfitted-the cast was
very good. Mr. Macklin's performance was careful and eminently
natural throughout, and Mrs. Macklin, in addition to possessing a pleasing
presence, is an actress of high intelligence and truthful expression : she
played Florida Vervain with much tenderness and grace.

Miss Fanny Addison's Mrs. Vervain was simply delightful; a more
enchanting bit of real comedy has not been seen this many and many a
day; the delicious freshness and piquancy of it are quite indescribable
-rich, without a shade of exaggeration, and as delicate as the bloom on
a peach withal. For this one piece of acting the play is well worth
putting into the evening bills somewhere. Miss Addison mustn't let us
loose this character. We were all immensely pleased with it and her,
and didn't conceal our emotion one bit. I split my gloves at least three
times in the energy of applause, and Miss Addison looked quite happy
and jolly about it all. It was very pleasant, I assure you.

Mr. Poel had endeavoured to strenghten the last act-which is purely
episodical, and
simply relates to
the reconcilia- ,-- r'-
tion of two ob- .
viously slightly- .L .
parted lovers- ,
by the introduc-
tion of some of '
the slighter cha- V
racters from the
novel, these be-
ing strongly
marked and ori- ----
ginal as well as -_'
amusing, serve -- -
to ward off ab-
solute tedium, ,'
but of course are
for the purpose
intended, being mere sketches. They gave an opportunity on this occa-
sion, however, for the presentation of an admirably interpreted little bit
of character by Mr. Fuller Mellish, quiet, but firm and assured.

M. Lubimoft appeared as a vengeful gondolier, much to the delight of
sundry who suddenly recognized him from aloft. His make-up was
good in a broadly picturesque way, and he acted inoffensively.
A "new comic drama," Absence of Mind, commenced the proceedings
and served the useful purpose of showing Messrs. Medwin, Mellish, and
Merridew, and Miss Pattie Blanchard (who made a creditable first
appearance in London) bravely struggling with adversity.
NODS AND WINKS.-They've had their "last night of the season at
the Royal Victoria Coffee Hall, they finished up with the Maori King,
and now they 've closed till September for "decorative repairs," after
which they hope to see crowds decoratively repair to their entertain-
ments for the rest of time.-Les Cloches de Corneville, with Miss St.
John and Mr. Sheil Barry in the characters identified with them will be
the next thing at the Empire.-Mr. Brookfield opens at the Haymarket
on the 9th prox.-Mr. Edward Terry puts in a reappearance at the
Gaiety on the 28th inst, he will put up Mr. Pinero's Rocket.-Miss
Lillian Russell not having been measured for the part of Black-Eyed
Susan at the Alhambra, finds it doesn't fit, and has handed it back to
the management to be given to somebody who doesn't object to cast-oft
garments.-Mr. Derrick's Confusion reached its four hundredth repre-
sentation at the Vaudeville the other night: the heat has been so great,
and the houses so big, that I should not be surprised to con-fusion among
the audience too.-The English version of La Passionaria, called The
Woman and the Law, will form Mr. Barrett's programme on his forth-
coming tour, which commences on the 28th inst. NESTOR.

JULY 23, i884. FUN.35

Compromise, or--? -
No sooner had those clever Peers, -. I _
With sneers, thrown out the Franchise Bill, -
Than straightway they were moved by fears,
They "funked" and felt extremely ill: i
They saw the people they disdained, I
In rather awkward numbers rise,
And feebly they, with bosoms pained,
Exclaimed, "Oh! I would it not be wise -z
But bold Lord S.
Mocked their distress,
And said, "A fig for Compromise I ..

"Good gracious I have we gone too far ?"
These Peers in trembling accents cried;
"The People will our glory mar,
Their discontent spreads far and wide;
They call us 'fossils,' checks, and blocks !
Do you not hear their angry cries ?
Our old Nobility it shocks I
Oh, some escape let's pray devise,
Say, Compromise!
Do show us how
To stop this row !
Oh, please, Lord S., let's compromise !"
But still the Marquis heeded not
The pleadings of his brother peers,
Their sufferings moved him not a jot,
Nor was he melted by their tears.
"Shall I," said he, who lead the van,
For all my Jingo '-struck allies,
Bow down before the Grand Old Man,
(A creature whom we all despise)
And Compromise?
No Noble birth,
Like mine, is worth
A Conquest-not a Compromise I"
They knew his obstinacy well,
His blatant brag, and bluster, too;
These qualities they could not quell,
So what were these poor Peers to do?
And, lo, they wait their bitter doom,
With tear-drops welling from their eyes,
For Salisbury won't dispel their gloom,
Nor soothe their sad, repentant sighs,
By Compromise.
They weep to know
Their House must go,
Unless they shortly Compromise !

THE magnificent structure erected by Messrs. Tussaud in the Maryle-
bone Road, has been built principally to give human beings a better
chance than they have had hitherto of
i studying human nature through the medium
-i of wax. Messrs. Tussaud state that the
New Exhibition is not more than a "stone's
throw" from the late gallery in Baker
Street. We will not dispute this point,
for, since marriage, we have given up all
athletic sports, except occasional walking
matches against time, performed by night
with a teething baby in our arms. These
pedestrian feats are sometimes varied by
our having to climb stairs rapidly to pat
children on the back who are suffering from
whooping-cough, or to spank our eldest
son, who persists in seeing ghosts at inter-
vals, and howls dismally when he does so.
Yes! I taking our want of training and
practice into consideration, we doubt our ability to fling a six-ounce
granite" from the deserted saloons in Baker Street to the palatial halls
in Marylebone Road; but we have only to pelt Tussaud's Show with
praise, so muscular exertion is not required.
The new building (which has a frontage of four hundred feet) is of
red brick, and bears its blushing honours with Italian grace. The glass
domes-and there are six of them, if you please,-are not quite so high
as St. Paul's, but they tower to a considerable height, and glisten

Pat (with a lively recollection of the Police Cell).-" BEGORRA, THIN, THE

invitingly in the sunlight, seemingly asking the public to drop in and
see what is beneath them.
The grand staircase of white marble was the property of Baron
Grant, and cost the trifling sum of fifteen thousand pounds. A tale
goes about that the Baron came down it in a hurry one morning, slip-
ping on a piece of orange peel. The Baron being both hurt and
annoyed, told his butler to take the slippery arrangement in marble "
away and sell it. We don't know whether the story is true or not, but
are certain that Messrs. Tussaud secured the cool white steps for
"yellow boys."
The proprietors are going to add several novelties to their show. An
important one will be dining-rooms, where visitors, nervous or other-
wise, will be able to fortify themselves with tasty dishes and sparkling
wine before feasting on the "Horrors." In conclusion, we may safely
state that Madame Tussaud's Exhibition is the only place in the world
where a policeman can be found directly he is wanted. Youthful
matrons lead their peccant offspring to Tussaud's constable, and ask
him to take them away; but the officer merely stares at both mothers
and children with serene dignity, for his cranium is formed from a pro-
duct of the busy bee.

A Cur-sory Remark.
A CONSERVATIVE Society sheet says that all Liberals and Radicals are
"curs." Fortunately, so vulgar a method of expression is (even among
Conservatives) of rare oc-cur-rence.

Two things in bad odour just now-the House of Peers and the
Thames. The only difference between them is that the latter is useful.

36 FUN. JULY 23, 1884.

"In the House of Commons,jMr. Labouchere proposed to create a number of peers to swamp the present majority in the House of Lords."
14 4hl-llIII

I, -~

"Yus; Mr. Labbycheer he beckoned me hin an' gives me these 'ere things. 'You knows yer way to the 'Ouse?' says he. 'Wich house? says I; 'St. George's, or
Poplar, or wot.' These 'ere's yer orders,' says he. Wich I've always got my orders for the housee of the pleece before."
EIiI |



"Blest if I know wot to do with these 'ere kickshaws," said the peer. "Stop a bit-I know

~___~_________IFUJNl.-JULY 23, 1884.


(See Cartoon.)
IT was a naughty little Peer,
Though it feels proud and strong,
To go and rudely interfere
With other lads was wrong,
It was a very wicked boy
To seize and wantonly destroy
The Bill that's Master Gladstone's joy !

When little boys of high degree
Deserve some punishment,
At any rate, they ought to be
Into the corner sent.
And if each bad young gentleman
Got five birch strokes, or even ten,
It might better for them then.

And till they promise evermore
Unseemly ways to shun,
And say that they are sorry for
The mischief they have done,
They ought to keep that corner-place,
Since no one wants to see the face
Of any urchin in disgrace.

JULY 23, 1884. FUN. 39

NEw SERIES, NO. 31. AIR-" Mary Kelly's Beau."
,, .-, F course you read
i I>- tie dailies
'. I Whenever
~!- you've a
' "-il r '^^ i \ \^ "U Ichance.'
Arid so you know
w haow pale is
.it Euch face you
r L meet 1in
e p a France ;
And-I if Of Cholera pros-
j They heard a
S case one day,
A ri d so the
s tartlednation
And 7 9 HaI-la1 uip and run

d I had ibis news of

-odailies too
Si.\n tr velsround
the country to
see what people do.
She pokes her nose in everywhere, and bothers people so ;
And if a thing has happened, boys, why-Mary's sure to know.

The "Healthy" Exhibition,
Upon this very date,
Will charge ten bob admission
Unto the evening fte,
To benefit (it's stated)
The Hospitals, no less;
And Cleveland's nominated
For President, U.S.
And Salisbury with Gladstone has got into a pet;
For even he can almost see that Gladdy beats him yet.
And if you don't believe it, to Mary you must go,
And seek corroboration, boys, for Mary's sure to know.

The Prince of Wales and Missis "
Have had a merry time;
(If disrespectful this is,
Its owing to the rhyme).
To Redhill, Putney, suavely,
And Bethnal Green they bore;
They stood it all quite bravely,
And then went to Stan-more I
Miss Cragie made for Primrose Hill, in spite of Special Acts;
Before she starts as demagogue she'd better master facts.
And p'r'aps she will excuse us if this hint to her we throw-
Ask Mary, Miss, another time, for Mary's sure to know.

They've shot, since they began it,
All day at Wimbledon-
Our shooting's at a planet-
We do not use a gun;
And so we feel unable
To criticize the shots,
And will not swell the Babel
Adjudicating pots.
The friends of Madame Tussaud will please to note she's moved;
The Porte-it is so funny I-will have to be reproved-
The Foreign Postal System it wants to overthrow;
They won't-you just ask Mary-for Mary's sure to know,
The Harrow Boys, and Eton,
Assembled on the lawn,
By rain again were beaten-
Their cricket match was "drawn";
The Franchise Bill's a handle
For raising questions vexed
And Ireland has "a scandal "-
My word I whatever next I
Now, these are all the topics I care to touch upon,
And these are all the topics I think you'll care to con;
If I've omitted any, you'd better tell me so,
Or get them out of Mary-for Mary's sure to know.


MR. INVER LEEDE. Hooray I Health at last I Come on, old man,
let's break all our physic bottles, and sow all the pills, and see if they'll
come up as peas-
MR. DELLEY KITT. I'm on I And discharge the bath-chair men for
ever; and go somewhere where the doctor can't send his bill--
MR. INVER LEEDE. And have all sorts of indigestable things for
breakfast ; and light the fire with our crutches. It doesn't matter what
we do now, as we've only to go off to the Health Exhibition, and get
cured for good.
Mr. DELLEY KITT. Exactly. Here we are; I suppose we must go
regularly through the whole affair, or it won't do us any good. Let's
being with these papers all about unsanitary houses. Oh,
dear, do you know, I seem to have come over quite faint like--
MR. INVER LEEDE. By Jingo I you do look dreadfully pale.
MR. DELLEY KITT. Well, so do you, for the matter of that.
BOTH. The fact is, this awful list of horrible risks that one runs from
drains and all that has given me quite a turn. I wish I had saved one
bottle of that physic of mine to bring with me.
MR. INVER LEEDE. Never mind; let us have a nip of brandy, and
take the next of the course. There is the electric machine room. Good
Heavens I what a dreadful glare. Hi policeman, which is the way
out? Here, Kitt, give us a hand-I can't see.
MR. DELLEY KITT. My dear fellow, no more can I. Let's feel our
way to the Chinese-by Jove I there's not much difficulty in finding that
with that dreadful noise of the Chinese band I (After this point, all
further conversation is carried on by means of pokes in the ribs, and other
arbitrary signs.) Heavens! the noise has suddenly ceased.
M. INVER LEEDE. So it has I So have all other sounds. Why, the
drums of my ears have gone pop!

MR. DELLEY KITT. So have mine. Never mind. It's evidently a
violent remedy, this Health Exhibition; no doubt we shall suddenly
find ourselves in robust health at the door of exit. Now let us get some-
body to lead us to the Chinese dining-room, and go through the course
of Chinese dishes. Isn't this dog rather tough ? I suppose it's the
thing to bolt these rats whole in their skins ? Oooh I help I
I've such dreadful pains all over-it's violent indigestion.
MR. INVER LEEDE. So have I; I believe it's all over with me.
Please, policeman, be so good as to lead us to the railway station as
quickly as possible, so that we may get home and make our wills.
MR. DELLEY KITT. What a fearful crush there is for the train!
There-what was that report ? That's the only sound I've heard since
the Chinese band.
MR. INVER LEEDE. Yes, that was one of my ribs that went. There
go the rest-
MR. DELLEY KITT. All mine have gone long ago. Don't you think
we had better give up all notion of getting in the train-hullo I I can't.
I've got carried by the crowd, and now I'm between two buffers, and
there go all my other bones.

MR. INVER LEEDE. Well, I'm glad to be home again, I must con-
fess. Do you feel regularly set up by the Health Exhibition ?
MR. DELLEY KITT. Well-no; I can't say I do altogether. I shall
try to fit the pieces of those physic bottles together again, and order a
lot more.
MR. INVER LEEDE, And I'll go and dig up those pills.

Reason to Comrn-Blaine.
THE dynamite party in the States intend, it is said, to vote solid"
for Mr. "Jingo" Blaine in the hope that he will declare war against
England. One thing is certain, the dynamite dastards will help to ex-
plode Mr. Blaine's chances of success.

40 FUN. TULY 23, 1884.

JUSTICE is not so excruciatingly severe in Imperial Austria on mur-
derous Anarchists as she might be, one Adolph Hannich, found guilty of
keeping dynamite explosives andpoisoned
daggers in his possession, having received
Z a sentence of ten years' imprisonment
only. In these days of cheap steel it may
be found necessary to poison Anarchist
daggers, but we should have thought the
fact of Adolph being caught with such
horrible instruments of destruction, in
addition to dynamite being found on his
premises, would have ensured him a
heavier punishment than has been re-
cently inflicted in our free country on a
paltry poultry-stealer.
S-CITIZEN ROCHE declares that should
M. Jules Ferry visit Toulon, he will cross
on Charon's ferry promptly, as he is certain to be torn to pieces. The
worthy citizen does not explain what his fellow-townsmen contemplate
doing with the pieces when they have secured them. Frenchmen are
so economical, and teach us barbarous Islanders so much, that some
information on this point might be useful to our hungry poor. Then
some day our "great unwashed" may enjoy Salisbury haricot a la
Franfaise, Churchill cutlets a la mode de Paris, brezolles of Grand Old
Man, Chamberlain collops, Norman hash, composed entirely of peers, &c.
BRITISH official society in Cairo is strangely excited by a remarkable
discovery, recently made by an enterprising correspondent and explorer,
viz., that talented Bedouins may be found who are absolutely base
enough to fabricate and "expand" news for the sake of gain. This
complaint is very serious to most of us at home; but it is proving
especially aggravatingly dangerous to certain European diplomatists and
journalists, who shudder, shiver, and are seized with deadly convulsions
at finding their justly acquired rights to mendacity invaded and injured
by semi-barbarians. Such acts of piracy are not to be tolerated.

A MAN dragged up an old bolster from the bed of Father Thames the
other day, and was much distressed at finding it. He was in hopes that
bolster was a body. There is no satisfying some people.

ISN'T it instructive to hear a bench of magistrates differ in opinion ?
At the Croydon Petty Sessions lately, a youth was charged with stealing
two pounds in cash. "His father is as much to blame as he is," said
one magistrate. I think he is to be sympathised with," said another,
" if I had a son like that it would break my heart." The culprit's papa
did not appear as if his source of vital motion was going to smash up
rapidly. As sonny was sentenced to two month's "hard daddy looked
positively cheery; but the rival magistrates glared at each other in a
manner tremendous to behold, and the clerk tickled the end of his nose
with a quill pen till a tear of sorrow for everybody stood in his left eye.

THE honest folk of Yorkshire are indignant at a farmer for "repu-
diating" his wife. A goodly number of wives in London only wish that
their husbands would "repudiate" and leave them alone in their pensive
loneliness. We heard of a case the other day of a warm-tempered
married man who, when he is annoyed, is very apt to throw the twins at
his wife. This conduct induces the lady to believe that an accident may
occur sooner or later, and she suggests that repudiation and a trip
made to some nice cool spot like Siberia by her spouse would be advan-
tageous to all parties concerned in the matter.

MORE nonsense has been written about women than anent men.
Having come across the following proverb yesterday, "While the tall
maid is stooping the little one hath swept the house," we called in the
office boy, and asked his opinion on the subject. "All my heye," said
the child, "my sister Liza, who's as long as a ladder, hath swept the
house, and dusted me over frequent with a hand broom afore 6 ha-m,
while the little 'uns are a-slumberin' peaceful."

THE Prince of Wales thoroughly enjoyed the task of laying the foun-
dation stone of New Putney Bridge. The report that H.R.H. rode to
Putney on a pig is not true, and probably originated in the fact that he
met Sir James Hogg on his arrival, and shook hands heartily with that
respected gentleman.,

SUFFERING from the effects of the hot weather, and a forced walk
round Covent Garden Market, we recently strolled into our chemist's to
get a "pick-me-up." Knowing that he is fond of using tiny doses of
poison when compounding such nerve restorers, we ventured to ask if
our "pick-me-up" was safe. "Quite free from danger; I'm very
careful, for I can't abide losing a good customer," was the reply.

IT'S all very well for the public to say
Their object is keeping infection away,
To state, in emphatic unqualified terms,
Their rooted objection to cholera germs.
We'll own that it isn't flagitious in these
To show an aversion to deadly disease;
Nor will we pretend they are greatly to blame
In taking precautions to banish the same.
The baseness is not of necessity great
In holding the microbe in loathing and hate,
Unless the aversion we mention be found
To cause any trouble to persons around.
But when that aversion, we beg to explain,
Goes clashing with other folks' profit and gain;
Or when it opposes, or isn't at one
With, somebody's pleasure or somebody's fun.
The party who holds that aversion, we say,
Is bound to relinquish and cast it away,
And cherish the microbe, bacillus, or worm,
And welcome and foster the cholera germ.
For cases in point, here is one on the spot:
A hundred intelligent travellers got
To the station at Lyons, where rules were in play
For keeping the cholera nicely at bay.
The hundred arrived, it directly transpired
That strict fumigation was what was required;
For the hundred intelligent traveller folk
Had quite a decided aversion to smoke.

They greatly preferred, as they stated with grace,
To carry the cholera into the place-
(We all have our whims-they were not to be blamed)-
To bearing the slight inconvenience named.
What did the officials ? A pretty fine joke I
They tried to compel them to go in the smoke;
But the hundred they fought, and they conquered with ease,
Escaped-and presumably spread the disease.
Impelled by the kindly and favouring gales,
There started a cargo of rags from Marseilles;
And the vessel containing them gallantly bore
For Britain's exclusive and ignorant shore.
The gallant importer, with laudable wit,
Was simply intent upon making his bit;
Well, what did we do? Why, we went and we made
A shameless attack on the profits of trade.
We gave our instructions on every hand,
Respecting the cargo-it wasn't to land
(A blot on our nation-a stain and a blot !)
Without disinfecting, and goodness knows what
Just fancy In order to simply prevent
A possible plague of tremendous extent,
We go and-oh, blackest of national stains !
We meddle with parties' legitimate gains.
If persons, from taste, or whatever you please,
Prefer to assist in the spread of disease,
It's other folks' business not to inflame
Their wrath by refusing to die of the same.

JULY 23, 1884. FUN. 41

The City's Respite.
CAME the good news from St. Stephen's,
Borne by heralds to the City;
Dropped the anti-City grievance,
And in full House and Committee.
Dropped for two or three sweet sessions,
When they'll limit their attention
To the Mahdi's last transgressions,
J I .And the Fenian's last invention.

r And at Guildhall-at the Mansion
i'-House, Joy raised her ribboned kirtle,
\ "-In her spirit's warm expansion,
-. And they killed the fatted turtle.
Gog and Magog, ghostly grinners,
Owned that he who drains his cup errs,
After seven hundred dinners,
"9 And a thousand and one suppers.
Rang from Cheapside to Old Jewry,
"We're respited l" Moorgate, Ludgate,
-,Sent the good news on; Firth's fury
RHas for some time closed its flood-gate.
Saint Paul's rang out, wild, delighted,
Joining with the Temple's smart Inns,
e. I We're respited, we're respited,
We're respited," rang St. Martin's.
And each alderman, whom sorrow,
..... '=-. Though you may not think it, pinches,
When he rose that radiant morrow,
Let his waistcoat out nine inches,
And these sentiments ejected,
In a fat voice, though diminished,
"Propperty is still respected,
And Hold Hingland's not yet finished I"
WILLIAM TELL REFUSING TO BOW DOWN TO THE Two or three more proud processions,
SALISBURY CORONET. With the mace the furred man carries,
SALISBURY CORONET. Will elicit sweet expressions
"HAVE I THE OUTLINE OF THE CAITIFF From street Arabs, and charm 'Arries.
WHO TO THE SERVILE EARTH DOTH BEND THE CROWN? Banquets neathh the Guildhall's rafter
WHo To THE SERVILE EARTH DOTH BEND THE CRowN Will be yet served, bounteous, swell, huge,
I WILL NOT BUDGB, Let what Harcourt likes come after-
WHATEVER BE THE COST I" After that may come the deluge I

THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT. he is going to convert some stocks. I say I sink some stock-brokers re-
FRIDAY, I I Julys.-Lord Salisbury say if he catch Gladstone, he vill qvire converting more. Ve go into Supply. Mr. Malver complain of
punch his head. At ze meeting ali ze Foreign Oce, vich is ze Premier's ze Board of Trade, zare is nobody to sit on it-it is vat you say an
Home Office, and vare I vas ze only foreigner, ze once more People's Tuesday.-Ze Lords read ze tvice time ze form.Hours of Poll Bill. If
Villiams had let ze cat outside ze bags, and Milor Salisbury say, told ze uesay.Polly is ze young ladyLords reahind ze counter in shops at ze endof Poll Bill. If
tail out of school. Vrament, it vas vorse zan tail, it vas story to say his olly is e young lady behind ze counter in shops at ze end ich is Vest
lordship decline to discuss Redistribution vit ropes around its neck He it is tall time ze hours vare not so long. Commons.-Ve have sacrifice
lordship decline to discuss Redistributon vit ropes around its neck. He Tuesdays, now it is Vennisday ze Government demand for zeir business.
is enough discusseded vis it, anyvays, he say, and demand if ze Premier Next it vill be Sunday la mode of ze last Session. Navy Estimates-
is going to fight vit poisoned weapons. Pas de tout, milor! Our Villiams Ve do not mind ze price of ships keeping up so long as ze vessels keep
qvote Polonius, but he do not act Laertes. In ze Commons ze ozzare Ve do not ming down. Before of ships in Supply Mr. Jimlouder reqvire ze
leadares of ze Tory Party (zey are like ze army of leetle German prince Goverom going down. Beforeent to supply ne of Gordon. Supply Mr. Jmder retire ze
did not attribute ze vords viz ze "rope round his neck" to Milor Salisbury, to put on his coat and not fight Gladstone. As usual, ze
Salisbury, but as descriptive. He consider it, he say to me, capital de. G 0. L. get slap on ze eye. On ze ozzare side ve go in Supply ze ser-
scription of ze position. I reply, Que ouil capital punishment descrip- vice vich is Civil, but not always polite
tion. It seem zat your Thames vare it is low down smell ver high up,
indeed, it is qvite game. Ze Royal Commission have say it smell fowl,
it give von a turn, even ze Baron of Vorms vill turn at zis. And he de- Dress and Defeat.
mand of Sir Harcourt if ze Royal Commission zat vent to Voolvich began
to zink zey vare passing Rimmel's. Sir Harcourt say, Not much I A CONSERVATIVE contemporary rejoices that several peeresses and
It appear ze Corporation and ze Board of Metropolitan Vorks are other ladies of high degree anxiously watched the rejection of the Fran-
spending enough money in qvarrelling who must do ze business to pay chise Bill in the House of Lords, and that a frou-frou of silk empha
for it being done two times all over. sized the strength of the case."
Monday.-Ze Earl of Vims (I sink he espell it Wemyss, but ve miss These peeresses and such were there, 'tis true,
von syllable) give notice he vill move on Sursday to pass ze Franchise Nor was their noble errand bootless,
Bill, and address ze Crown to summon Parliament in October to pass And yet, in spite of all their silks' frou-frou,
Redistribution Bill. Lord Salisbury do not like Vims vhims. He have The Peers (excuse a stammer here, please do)
got his sleeve out, and tuck up his shirt. He vill pass nozzink I He go May find their threats turn outfrou-frou.tless.
Nap I Lord Rasberry move for papers as to ze deportation of Recidivists
from France to ze Vestern Pacific. Lord Granville say he hope vit ze
aid of Lord Lyons and ze Intelligent Foreigner to settle ze qvestio'n in A Comb-ination.
pacific manners. Lord George Hamilton enqvire if ze General Attorney AT the great Franchise demonstration held in Edinburgh the other
vill prosecute ze Gazette of Pall Mall for intimidation of ze ozzare House. day the Comb-makers carried a large vulcanite comb, on which was the
Ze very name of ze journal suggest clubs, he sink. Sir James say not following motto (re the Peers) "We'll comb their hair." Doubtless
such a juggins. Ze Chancellor of ze Checker of X. inform Mr. Buxton the noble lords considered that such a remark was hardly comb ilfaut.

O" To CORRESPONDENTS.-Tke Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelofie.

. [ I1

........ ... -
=*-S lA l _

Miss Prettypert.-" How OLD IS ROVER, MR. GOSLING?"

SIR,-A lot of discontented and inconsiderate people have been
writing (as usual), and blaming me (as usual), and denying (as usual)
that I gave the right tip for the Liverpool Cup (as usual). Now what
can I say to these? They won't accept any proof I can offer.* I can
only deny their denial, and I do so most deniantly, previous to giving,
with a clear conscience and an empty pocket, my
I start on the Leicestershire Cup,
But I don't feel by any means sure of it,
And not till the numbers go up
Shall I feel myself wholly secure of it.
But whether I'm in for good luck,
Or whether I'm doomed to fatality,
I trust that the world will be struck
By my quite unimpaired geniality.
There seems more likelihood in this statement than in the majority of those made
by the Prophet from time to time; is this the first faint approach to the paths of
straightforwardness and not-beating-about-the-bushiness ?-ED. FUN.

"The Richest, Softest, and most Becoming
Fabric ee invented fo r n
Weooc's Wear.'" .

SEvery Yard is
stamped on the Back
"Neonparlel" to protect the Publice from Fraud.

Lucerne'may be all very fine,i
But I am averse to supporting it,
The light through the Prism may shine,
But prisms have ways of distorting it.
Whipper-In is by no means the worst,
Supposing they steer that same ge'm'n straight,
But how Whippers-In can be first
Is not very easy to demonstrate.
Perhaps they'll be one, two, and three
(In which case Lucerne takes the lead of them)
P'r'aps neither a Placerr will be,
(In which case that's what I've decreed of them),
You mustn't, however, surmise,
That the Bard of their chance a derider is,
But still he don't care to disguise
The fact that his "mash" an outsider is.
There you are, Sir, beat that if you can, and send the result on in
time to be acted upon by Yours truly, TROPHONIUS.
A PROVINCIAL journal refers to Mr. Gladstone as "a man of no
principle." And yet his doings generally create a lot of "interest."

London 1 Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 23rd, 1884.

Cocoa thickens ia the
cup, its proves tho
additE of LStrch. eFRSHNG!


B1 fi
Ah: the WOAX



"Fun" Hands Round his Cap.
FUN, the friend of humanity, took up his station at a railway ter-
minus, and, like the solemn old buffer that he is, fell into a train of
thought. Not that he was a sleeper-that wasn't his line. He was
considering too many points. He was examining the faces of two
crowds of passengers, one on the arrival, the other on the departure
platform. What a contrast I On the one hand, ruddy brown faces,
full cheeks, bright eyes, strong voices; on the other, pallid grey faces,
hollow cheeks, sunken lustreless eyes. And FUN wondered what
dwellers in cities would become if it were not for an occasional escape
from the bars of their smoky cages. And FUN heard the tap-tap" of a
blind man's stick in front of him. The man followed the tap-tap," and
FUN followed the man-followed him through miry streets, crowded
courts, stifling alleys, where the houses were so close that the -man could
scarcely have seen the sky had he been blessed with eyes. And FUN
became seized with a desire to range that blind man with many other
blind men and women on the departure platform, some summer morn-
ing, and meet them again on the arrival platform the same summer
evening, looking brighter and happier for a breath of country air. And
FUN, who has a habit of thinking aloud, was suddenly slapped on the
back by an Association. FUN, old boy," said the Association, I'll
get two or three hundred people on those platforms, and take care of
them in the country, too, if you'll give me a hand. Just jingle your
bells, and ask your readers to send subscriptions, if ever so small, to
my hon. sec., Mr. J. T. Edmonds, 15, Brixton Road, S.W.; or, to my
non. treas., Mr. C. D. Millett, London and Westminster Bank, West-
minster Bridge Road, S.E." "Like a bird," said FUN; "and what's
your name?" And the answer was, "The South London Association
for Assisting the Blind."

A CORRESPONDENT in a daily paper proposes to form a League for
Reforming the House of Lords. It is not unlikely, though, that their
Lordships would consider such a proceeding extremely il-league-al.
A CITY paper says that the City is instinctively Conservative, and
that it loves the "old-fashioned grooves." Quite so; that was proved
by the way in which it groo(ve) violent over the proposed Municipal Bill.

Vegetable Diet at the Healtheries.
THOUGH we are beginning to pick off a sere and yellow leaf from the
laurel wreath that graces our brow, and contemplate offering it to a
grateful public at the same price as asked for the Duke of Marlborough's
pictures, an appetizing interest in vegetarianism has never concerned us
deeply until lately. A Trappist monk sworn off the consumption of
animal food inveigled us into the Healtheries recently, and insisted on
our attacking a vegetarian menu. Of course we began by wolfing"
down the bill of fare. Seeing the valuable paper being devoured in
such a greedy manner, our monk called up managers and waiters, who
hinted that Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and Broadmoor were pleasant spots
for people to reside in and browse on, but by sophistry and logic com-
bined (delivered in our most Johnsonian manner), the Healtheries re-
freshment staff became convinced that we earnestly intended to make a
good meal at their expense, which we did by devouring the simple products
of nature with the same avidity that the community at large consume
oulr subtle jokes, quips, and cranks. Canon Duckworth toasted us in
ginger wine, and laughed in a Robert-Duke-of-Normandy manner when
we suggested that "vegetable steak and onions should not be eaten too
freely overnight when a canon has to fire off eloquence before Royalty
next morning." "Don't bubble and squeak, FUN," said the popular
clergyman, and we drooped like a withered cauliflower,

Alas(s)! Oh, Yes!
IT has lately been suggested that, in order to cope with the enter-
prising burglar, the police should be trained in the use of the lasso. The
force, however, have long forestalled this, for every policeman worthy of
the name has his lass-oh I either in the scullery or the kitchen.

IT was lately rumoured that the Member for Eye was to be Mr. Stuart
Wortley's colleague at Sheffield, but it proved to be incorrect. The
electors had no Eye-dea of such a thing. There seemra to have been too
many cooks in that chef/field.

VOL. XL.-NO. 1003

JULY 30, 1884.

44 FU N JULY 30, s884.

changes took place in the
other night. Mr. Alfred
Maltby appeared as Mr.
Sam Coney, vice Mr.
Mackintosh resigned, and
Miss Rose Saker, who
sprained her ankle on the
first night, and has been
Y laid up ever since, resumed
her part-Mrs. Pettigrew.
There were said to be
other alterations in the
comedy, but I didn't no-
tice much difference. The
piece is very funny, cle-
verly written, and well
played, but it isn't up to
the uproarious Criterion
level-and that's just how
it was at first. Mr. Maltby
is no particular improve-
meant upon his predecessor,
but perhaps he'll make
something better of it when
Hl CRITERION.-tMISa SAKER, rWHO q S NO he knows his part (which
LONGER A Miss 'ACHER FROM THAT SPINED he no doubt does by this
ANKLE, RETURNS. time). I think Miss Nor-
reys has toned down some
of the exaggerations in her rendering of the milliner's assistant. Mr.
Giddens is a great deal funnier, and M. Marius's efforts are as side-
splitting in their results as ever.

THE PRINCE'S (moAningl.-A benefit performance organized by Mrs.
Digby Willoughby was given here on Thursday week, when Mr.
Buchanan's improvement" of M. Ohnet's Maitre de Forges, which he
has called Lady Clare, was presented. Mrs. Willoughby undertook the
part of the wayward Clare, but as this lady is much better at the exposi-
tion of eccentric character (in which she shows a quaint delicacy which
is quite individual) than in the rendering of romantic heroines, the result
was scarcely successful, although the performance was not without merit.

Mr. Bucklaw resumed his part of the husband, playing it with all his
old manly force, and Mr. F. Terry made a very good Lord Ambermere
THE PaINcEss's.-The farewell (for a time) performances of Clau-
dian and Chatterton took place here on Saturday week to an enthu-
siastic audience. The two beautiful pieces were played with admirable
finish, as was only appropriate in a last performance, and there were
hurrahs, flowers, a speech, and the promise of Hamlet in the autumn I
At this latter announcement the house rocked with applause till timid
souls began to fear a second earthquake, in which they might be forced
to take an active and unpleasant part ; all was well, however, and we
presently dispersed, and went our several ways in brougham, cab, or
humble 'bus, or
-still more hum-
Shblre soe-leather,
/A, ll, resolved that,
come what
might, when
U that Hamlet
put in his ap-
pearance we
level bestto "be
There to see."

odnCasting th*
I oS .om ralng,
... _from the Ger-
ANY THEATRE.--MANAGER (to his adng ditto) WHAT I ONLY hee
Z7 IN THE HOUSE TO-NIGHT! By Jovs 1 WE MUST CLOSE produced here
AT ONCE, COUNTERFOYLE. c o m p a n y,
bossed" by
Mr. Augustin Daly-so I see by the Dalys. I've not yet seen it myself,
so cannot give an opinion thereupon, but I will take the first opportunity
of doing both.
In aid of the Funds of the Wagner Society and at 26 Burlington

Street (by the permission of the Earl of Dysart, who is the president
of the society) Miss Alma Murray gave a reading on the 2Ist to an
appreciative audience. I'm not exactly sure that I sympathize to any
very violent extent with the objects of this society; I should perhaps be
able to speak with more certainty on the point if I knew precisely what
those objects were, but if it has anything to do with the popularizing of
the great musical German's works by means of the itinerant organ-
grinder, I'm afraid I cannot wish it success with any satisfactory degree
of heartiness.
I doubt, too, whether I ever thoroughly enjoy readings (which, of
course, is beside the question), but if anything could make an antipathetic
person enjoy them it would probably be the interesting style of Miss
Murray. There is a nameless refined grace in everything this lady does
which is in itself extremely attractive, and predisposes one to favourable
criticism. I doubt if she has means of extremely powerful expression,
but her reading on this particular Monday-the programme consisted
of pieces explanatory of situations and musical expressions culled from
Wagner, and scenes from Shakespeare-was characterized by the ima-
ginative intelligence and delicate appreciation which Miss Murray has
given us a title to expect at all times. I trust the proceeds of the en-
tertainment were in no way Dysartening to the promoters.
THE GLOBE (morning).-The Lost Cause, written by Mr. Malcolm
Boyd, and played here on the 22nd, is a historical drama which, after
the manner of its kind, is apt to be as unhistorical as it knows how just
when it takes it into its head. It was well dressed, and in many respects
well acted, besides affording some entertainment now and then by
means of some telling and well-written lines; but I am afraid that, be-
sides being a piece of a class which has rather outlived popularity, it has
in itself little dramatic backbone, in spite of its conventionality. The
author's Scotch is good,
and Miss Rudd's enuncia-
tion of it was a triumph %
in its way. Mr. Frank
Staunton and Mr. Julian
Cross gave thoroughly
good accounts of them-
selves. Miss Lucy Buck-
stone showed her usual
grace, delicacy, and want
of strength, and Miss Lin-
gard, by her force and
pathetic power did much
to excite interest in the THE PRINCE'S.-HER SHIELD AND BUCKLAW.
usual untowardly-fortuned
heroine. Mr. Boyd may try again if he likes, but I shouldn't advise
him to be Boyd with hope for the success of this piece.

NODS AND WINbs.-The Vaudeville, which closed on the a 9th inst.
with a bumper benefit for the most genial of acting managers, Mr.
Sydney Alport, reopens on the morning of the 4th with Confusion, which
will be repeated in the evening, and as often as the public will stand it
(and they seem pretty enduring that way); when they are thoroughly
tired of it, a new piece by Mr. H. A. Jones will take its place .-They
say the Health Exhibition is not at all healthy for the theatres.
With something more than ordinary pleasure I give whatever assisting
value a preliminary par. of mine may have to Mrs. Conover's new ---ro
gramme at the Olympic. This lady has borne unkindly fortune with
the brave front of a courageous but over-matched general so long and so
determinately that every one who has watched the gallant struggle will
heartily hope that with the assistance of Mr. Derrick's Twins, and the
excellent cast selected, which will appear on the evening of the 2nd
inst., she may be able to induce the tide of fortune to take a turn with
ew Men and Old Acretistiswh to be the next thing at the Court, which
reopens in September. Miss Marion Terry, though restored to health,
will nevertheless be a Lillian. Mr. Clayton will, however, be Brown
after his holiday.
Mr. George Lander is said to be writing a new piece for the Grand-
I give the information with due reserve though, as, of course, you'll
Landerstand. NESTOR.

Quantum Snuff.
A MOTHER and her son conversed one day
On artists who had shone at the R.A.;
The lady gave her preference to one
Named Alma Tadema ; and then the son
(Taking a pinch of Taddy's snuff the while)
Said, "Tadema has truly a grand style;
And you may now perceive that, like my pa,
I'm also partial to my Taddy '-ma 1"1

JULY 30, 1884. FUN. 45

A Dreadful Disappointment!
THAT mighty demonstration
In the Park the other day,
Filled us Tories with vexation,
Deep disgust and dire dismay.
We had hoped the demonstrators
Would prove noisy agitators,
But they ne'er o'erstepped the border
Of behaviour and good order,
Hence we Tories are not gay;
Had that crowd been vile and thievish,
We should not have been thus peevish.
Yes-we hoped that demonstration
In a riot would result,
But to our consternation
O'er a row we can't exult I
,Still, some mud we have been flinging
At the crowds whose cheers were ringing.
In our journals we, elated,
Have their numbers understated,
(Falsehood's useful in our cult.")
And brave Chaplin's smart oration
Rather scathed that demonstration.
While bold Lowther in a graphic
And pathetic little speech,
Said the crowds so blocked the traffic
That the House he couldn't reach I
Yea, he and Chaplin slily
Drew a picture, coloured highly,
Of this check to their progression
Through that Franchise Bill procession,
And to Harcourt, like a leech
Did they stick and sternly "jaw him
(But they failed to overawe him 1)
We have vowed that demonstration
Was a frost," but entire nous,
Such a strange asseveration,
As mere spleen most folks will view.
Still, we speak of England's masses"
As a lot of rowdy asses.
And just to cause obstruction
In the House we raised a ruction
(As we very often do);
For it caused us lamentation,
That well-ordered demonstration.

A Sensible Saw.
MANY sayings and saws have been written,
Yea, proverbs by scores have been penned,
And often to many a Briton
A motto has been a good friend.
Now, here's a sound saw that will tally
With those from which sense we distil:
'Tis, Those who stay down in the valley,
Will never get over the hill."
If you're filled with an earnest ambition
To rise to some post of renown,
You should struggle to gain that position,
Regardless how Fortune may frown.
And though fault-finders round you may rally,
Let nothing enfeeble your will,
For Those who stop down in the valley,
Will never get over the hill I"
How many make brilliant beginnings,
And promise to lead in life 's race ;
They are anxious at first for the winnings,
But they early break down in the chase.
First, they rush like a torrent, then sally
Through life like some sleepy old rill;
They loiter in Idleness-Valley,
And never reach up to Fame's Hill!
They say I'll do something to-morrow!"
Whenever you counsel advance,
And soon they find out, to their sorrow,
They have lost ev'ry promising chance.
So, up and be doing-don't dally,
Lest you swallow Despair's bitter pill;
Don't doubtingly stay in the valley,
But boldly go over the hill I


The Cup and the (S)lip.
THE Ascot Gold Cup for 1882, won by Foxhall, has not yet come to the hands of its owner,
but has been languishing ever since in the New York Custom House, in consequence of the
winner of the trophy declining to pay a duty of one thousand dollars imposed upon it. It seems,
therefore, that the old adage about many a slip betwixt the cup and the lip applies to racing
plate as well as to inferior vessels. This one will not be passed round as a loving cup among
our festive cousins, or be pressed to the ripe lips of fair Columbia. It is to be re-shipped to
Britain, and may yet become the spoil of some British turfite. This must be a Keene disap-
pointment to Transatlantic sportsmen.

46 FU I. JULY 30, 1884.

NEW SERIES, No. 32. AIR-" The Idol of the Dudes" (HAVERLEY'S).
OW one would
-- think that
only drink
li young men
,- behave
i (To tear and
man flag !),
S As have those
The Prince
(you'll guess
with the
Have been at
S Knights-
--'-. bridge now;
They work so
hard, their
To wat tlot the bard
I vow!
If you peruse the daily news,
You're "fly," the bard concludes;
If that's not so, you will not know
To what the bard alludes.
Yes, if the news they don't consult,
It's sure to puzzle each adult;
They will not know, however occult, to what the bard alludes.
Though sadder news our flippant muse
Has scarce a right to touch,
Our thoughts have flown to Penistone,
And sorrowed very much;
It seems they've got another plot
In Warsaw's cheerful town!
It's almost time this kind of crime
Was properly put down;
But we peruse some further news,
So cheer and send it round !
For Greeley's crew are brought to view,
And some of them are found.
And so the rumours come and go,
While some are true and some so-so,
And if you heard of them you'll know to what the bard alludes.

Though fate accords the cocky Lords,
Another little chance
To pass, for Will, the Franchise Bill
They still refuse a glance; '
But for a lord the Lib'ral horde
Need care no single fig,
When there can glide to Park of Hyde
A Demonstration big;
Let Tories rave and work and slave,
The Lib'ral far from quakes,
While Salisburee their chief shall be,
And make such huge mistakes.
Then Long may he o'er Tories reign I"
Let Lib'rals shout with might and main-
We trust it's needless to explain to whom the bard alludes.

Although Crdquet, as people say,
Has Tennis on the hip,
There was some fun at Wimbledon
At that there championship.
Historic place that burglar-chase
Deserves, I firmly vow;
The cholera, I grieve to say,
Is in the Mersey now;
Against the Mal-agasies, pal,
The French again deploy,
While infant wiles and baby smiles
Have brought a widow joy.
But if the news they don't consult,
This song will puzzle each adult
They'll never guess, however occult, to what the bard alludes.

"A meeting of the members of the various local authorities between Teddingto,
and Isleworth, and others, forming the Lock and Weir Committee, has been held at
Asgill House, Richmond, To view the condition of the river Thames at low water,
and take such steps as may be considered advisable.' "--Newsaers.
THE following account comes to us from a thoroughly untrustworthy
source, and is, moreover, corroborated by the authority of those in
whose mendacity we place entire confidence :-
Richmond Station, July.-This being the most advanced station in
the supposed direction of the river Thames, Admirals Brown, Jones,
and Robinson, of the Lock and Weir Committee, set out in a S.S. Wes-
terly direction, with a view of tracking the river to its lair in that direc-
tion, reports having been received of its having been seen sneaking past
the Old Deer Park in lat. 749.35, long. 0.0 x 9.
Simultaneously Generals Smith, Green, and Wilkins started S.S.E.,
hoping to strike the river higher up. The rest of the expedition settled
down near the Station Hotel, to await their return and keep the station..
For a long period no tidings came to hand, and all hope was beginning.
to die out; but at length a 'bus conductor, who has arrived from the
S.W., has handed in letters from General Smith, whom he encountered
in lat. 50976, long. o.
General Smith reports:-" Having successfully followed the course:
of the Church Road, we changed our course to S.W. in lat. 5 x 6 x 8,
long. 4 Wy, and after many days sighted a large hotel, which we named
the Star and Garter. Here we found provisions in a good state of pre-
servation; also sherry and bitters, and other drinks. In a few weeks,
having thoroughly rested and recovered from fatigue, General Green
mounted to the roof to endeavour to see the Thames from that eleva-
tion, but reported only dry land, with a boating party high and dry,
and apparently in great distress. The next day we caught a small
boy, who stated that his father's father had seen a river composed of
some brown liquid (probably partly water) in a westerly direction from
the hotel. We now began to make some perilous descents, and pre-
sently found ourselves in lat I 2s. 3d., long. 2 tons 4 cwt. 7 lbs., on
the supposed level of the Thames.

The next day, having disencumbered ourselves of all unnecessary
baggage, we found ourselves on the actual reported site of the river.
There the worst of our sufferings commenced, as great drought pre-
vailed, increasing as we neared the place where the river was supposed
to lie.
July the -.-We have discovered something which appears like
the bed of an extinct river. Our sufferings from thirst are terrible. All
around us stretches a scene of aridity most painful to the senses, and
vast clouds of dust torment us continually. At every few yards we come
upon the bleached ribs of stranded skiffs and gigs, and the desolation is
July the .-To-day we managed to drag ourselves up to the dry
wreck of a penny steamer, and to our great joy found ginger-beer on
board. Having quenched our thirst, we hailed a Thames Conservator,
who had lost his way months ago, and who told us of the boating party
stranded three degrees to the N.E., entirely without provisions.
July the .-We have sighted the boating party, who were making
frantic signals of distress. They report having taken the boat at the
bridge at a charge of eighteenpence the first hour and ninepence for each
further hour, and were in the greatest trouble owing to their now owing
three hundred and seventy-two pounds for the hire. They had reached
their present spot by getting out and pushing the boat through three
inches of water, which had since disappeared.
Here the log ended, and further news is anxiously awaited by those at
the station.
Intelligence has just come to hand that the other party has lost itself
in the Old Deer Park, having failed to find any signs of a river.

A CONSERVATIVE PAPER, having a wooden-headed name, says that
"official Liberalism" is "a poor, pettifogging, mean, intriguing, con-
temptible thing." Good gracious I What must official Toryism be I

JULY 30, 1884. FUN. 47

Gay as a fair,
Nautical sister of Parree;
Full of delight
All day and night,
Heaven of Hemma an' 'Arry I
Wish I were there,
Tasting the joys of the briny,
Swelling the throng
A l'Etablissement,
Of swells elephantine or tiny.
Charming thy air,
Even though scent not of roses-
Rather of fish
Too stale to dish-
Try thy fresh visitors' noses I
Where they may pair.
Debtor and creditor, blandly;
Whence each may go
Back to Soho,
And talk of the Continong grandly.
Whilst steaming there,
How proudly I feel I'm a Briton-
Ploughing the sea,
No more to me
Than sculling at Kew or Thames.Ditton.
Charmante au clair,
Charmante au fein soleil--ah I
Constant to thee
My faith shall be,
Refuge from care and-my tailor I

A Cant-o!
A WEEKLY says that, with regard to the House of Lords
an epidemic of cant is setting in.
Cant I Oh, yes I we can't at all deny
That to the Lords no law shall anchor us;
An alteration must come by-and-bye,
If peers continue to be so "cant "-ankerous.

Father.-" SUNDAY."
Father.-" WEDNESDAY."

An Unauthenticated Document Dragged out of the
SALUTATION and stretched-out life to you, great chief, Lord Glad-
stone Jesse Collins Derby-big man who wears the 'blue ribbon of
the turf' to its magnificent honour. May you feast long on the spoils
of Indian curry, and drink the sweet waters of Egypt's canals, till life
becomes too irksome to keep. I, Tawhiao, watched your reformers
make march to the Park of Hyde, and disport themselves; but was
sorry to see so little joke and feast among your aborigines. I, Tawhiao,
consider the show tamely wild. In the land of the Maories demonstra-
tions have been held, so hear my voice I When your sublime monarch,
George the Fourth, was king, my people showed their independence by
holding what you call a meet. That meet resulted in one thousand
men being killed for meat; yet of all these reformers only three hundred
were cooked and eaten on the spot-the rest went bad. In the present
day, thanks to the grand old white man's science, the seven hundred
surplus would have been tinned, and the meat not so foolishly wasted.
"I, Tawhiao, love the white man grilled, but grew sick and weary
while listening to the speeches delivered in the park of Hyde. I ex-
pected to see a nice hot dinner, and that the flesh of peers would be
cooked with much delicacy. The sight of so many blue ribbons tied on
hop poles delighted me, for is not the blue ribbon symbolical of teeto-
talism, which I love ? while hop-poles are significant of beer, which I
adore, and would drink if it did not make me so ill. I, Tawhiao, wor-
ship the blue ribbon because of its nice colour, and I intend to rub noses
very hard (till sparks fly out) with Smitely, Poolbread, Sparshul, Smell-
grove, Tagg, Smantle, or any other good draper who will give me a few
yards to tie up my bonnie black hair. I wish to contradict a rumour
circulated among your avenging reformers, viz., that I am Macaulay's
New Zealander, though I, Tawhiao, have walked over London Bridge

* in tight boots certainly, and have boated about underneath it to my sore
discomfort-for my sense of smell is unfortunately keen. In conclusion,
after I secure the quantity of blue ribbon I require for decorative pur-
poses, my wishes will be that your hospitable peers exterminate the
reformers, and that the reformers may abolish and eat up the peers with
sauce piquant immediately afterwards. (Signed) TAWHIAO."

Hey! Willow Whale-y-O I
A NORWAY speculator is about to attempt the introduction of whale-
meat as an article of food. No doubt a great many prejudiced persons
(among whom FUN regrets to reckon himself) would wail, and even
blubber a good deal, at having to eat it. Would it not be better to
try it first on our brethren in the Principality ? They are naturally very
partial to W(h)ales there I

A "Figure" of Speech.
THE Conservatives frowned when the Liberal Chief
At the Eighty Club t'other day dined,
They exclaimed, Gladstone's Eighty' speech fills us with grief,
For ATi means mischief,' you'll find."

THE New York Fruit Inspector lately condemned in one day, as unfit
for food, seventeen thousand pine-apples and four thousand water-
melons. At this apple-lication of the inspector's power, the owners of
the forbidden fruit doubtless felt inclined to pine in a melon "-choly

48 FUN. JULY 30, 1884.


He never could dress properly-it was useless to try. He never went out enough to wear his hats before they were out of fashion. "My dear fellow 1" exclaimed
his friends in one voice; "what an awful hat I Never saw such a shape in our lives I" And they took him and bought him a hat like their own.

So he gave up trying, and wore an old hat of his grandfather's. And the next time they met him their joy was unbounded. "My dear fellow !" they exclaimed,
"what an improvement I Got a fashionable hat at lastI! '

,. FUJN.-JULY 30, 1884.




(See Cartoon.)
THE sea! the sea 1 the open sea I
That is the kind of thing for me!
Without a mark, without a bound,
It runneth our British island round.
'Tis coolly fresh and brightly green,
And looks comparatively clean.
I'll to the sea I'll to the sea !
For that's where I would rather be;
With the blue above and the brine below,
And the best ozone where'er I go,
Than where my river's pea-soup flood
Rolls darkly by its banks of mud.
I loathe (oh, how I loathe) to ride
On the lower Thames with an ebbing tide,
When every wave shows in the sun]
How horribly foul the stream doth run,
And seems, like some offensive sink,
Not fit to wash at-much less to drink.
The Drainage system past my door
But makes me love the great sea more,
And gladly I'd fly to Neptune's breast
Like a cuckoo seeking some other bird's nest;
So I mean to be off to the open sea,
Though the Thames weep sewage-tears for me I

JULY 30, 1884. FUN. 51

THE police are again having scented praise syringed into their faces
with inexpensive freedom, and for about a month or so very young con-
stables will begin to think this is not
Such an ungrateful world, after all.
Directly the Hoxton burglar episode
is forgotten, though, we shall dis-
abuse their minds by taunting the
force with incompetency and cold-
^ -mutton-sneaking. A retired inspector
tells us that a successful policeman,
compared to a talented burglar, re-
presents common fungus v. mush-
room in public estimation. Go,"
he says, "and ask the attendants at
Tussaud's whose effigy attracts most
attention, Peace's or the plucky
officer's who arrested the ruffian."
.. But we must say ourselves that some
-of the authorities at Scotland Yard
almost worship the abilities displayed by the late Mr. Peace, and speak
of the late lamented one with a subdued air of veneration.
WHEN we have a personal interview with a burglar who is removing
our bags of gold, may we meet with a polite and unsophisticated robber
like Mr. John Drummond, who was recently captured by a policeman
employed as caretaker in a gentleman's house. Mr. Drummond, having
aroused the constable by breaking into the premises under charge, the
officer secured Johnnie, who in a most apologetic tone remarked, I
beg pardon, sir, I was hard up, and I should not have come here if I
had known there was a policeman here." Mr. Drummond is evidently
one of nature's noblemen, and may have a refining effect on his fellow-
prisoners by giving them short sentences from Lord Chesterfield's advice
to his son, such as, "A mean fellow is ashamed and embarrassed when
he comes into company, is disconcerted when spoken to, answers with
difficulty, and does not know how to dispose of his hands." "A modest
assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence to other
people's, preserve dignity," &c.

A LADY who has been convicted one hundred and eleven times, was
recently sent once more to a cool grot and mossy cell" by Mr. Cooke, for
a period of two months, with "hard." On receiving her sentence, the
fair charmer said very politely, "Thank you, Muster Magistrater, I ken
do thet nice an' soft by sleeping' the time away." Having had such
varied experience of prison life, she was doubtless correct in her state-
ment as to the ease with which she might procure pleasant but lengthy
oblivion in gaol. Ah," mumbled another prisoner, staring with en-
vious eyes at the affable lady leaving the dock, ah, an' she will have a
comfurble time too-she've bin a laundrest, she 'ave, an' don't she kno'
'ow to soft-soap the offishuls proper !"

AT an open-air meeting a miners' agent is reported to have said that
"the men would have food, and that the masters would have to flea the
country for them or give in." The men must be very hungry before
advising their agent to expose the grim horror of their case in this
manner. Most masters will, of course, "give in at once, but others
may prefer to compromise by paying their employs to visit some of our
fashionable watering places, and hunt out the nourishment they desire
for themselves.
THE Bishop of Gloucester and Bristol says that, though he does not
wear a blue ribbon himself, he rejoices whenever it meets his eye. We
are pleased to hear this, for the worthy pastor's life must be an uninter-
rupted wobble of ecstatic enjoyment during the summer months. On
last Saturday afternoon, while enjoying the sufferings of several of our
fellow-creatures who were disembarking from the "husbands' boat," we
observed a weakly male, wearing a bright green countenance, totter up
from the vessel and embrace his wife, who was dutifully waiting for him
and his week's salary. She wore the Oxfordist of Oxford blue strings
to her bonnet in honour of the occasion, which fluttering ribbons breezed
into his optics and nearly removed them, while fervent osculatory
manoeuvres went on. As tears trickled down this male party's pallid
cheeks, we have some reason to believe that he rejoiced less than might
have been expected under the circumstances; but then he wasn't a
bishop and a peer of the realm. Bold, bad words issued from his parched
lips, but the ejaculations were drowned by the crisp crumble of waves.

"A CHINA MAID" has been advertised for in a London contem-
porary. This news, wired out to San Francisco, caused great excite-
ment among the Ah Lung, Li Mung, and Chung Sang maidens residing
in the "Golden City." Three shiploads of "Celestial" maidens have
already started for modem Babylon. They are all warranted good-
tempered young ladies, never likely to break crockery on husbands'
heads till at least three months after marriage.


MR. INKWYRER. My dear fellow, how dreadfully tired you look-just
as ifyou had been sitting up for a week.
MR. POSTEY DUPP. That's exactly it. Being anxious about this
cholera that's coming, I have read every letter and article in the news-
papers tending to enlighten one as to the best means of avoiding it.
Every letter contradicts every other, it is true; but it shows that the
country is properly awake to the necessity of using every precaution to
effectually prevent the entry of the dreaded-
MR. INKWYRER (suddenly and convulsively clutching the arm of MR.
P.D., and staring with horror-stricken orbs through everything). Look I
look! What is that dreadful shadow in the far distance? It seems in
form like a ship-yet it is too terrible and deadly for any ship. See!
It seems to have sails of black velvet edged with white linen, and there
seems to be a mute at the helm It is fastened with brass-headed nails,
and has brass handles all round for the ropes to-
MR. POSTRY DuPP. My dear fellow, calm yourself: that is merely
a steamer bearing rags from Marseilles (where the cholera is raging),
via some other port, to England. I was saying that not only the
country, but the authorities are keenly alive to the necessity for strict
precautions against the cholera. Let us go to the Houses of Parliament
-there, do you not hear the ministers, in reply to questions, describing
the wise steps that are being taken to ward off the disease?
MR. INKWYRER. Who are these gentlemen, weary and hardworked,
with wet towels round their heads, labouring all night-
MR. POSTEY DUPP. They are the ministers and the various sanitary
authorities, taking the utmost precautions against the epidemic. Chloride
of lime to the value of 1,900 a day is to be thrown into the Thames-
disinfectants are to be spread broadcast-no accumulations of dangerous
matter are to be allowed-all sorts of precautions are to be- Why do
you clutch my arm again thus ?

MR. INKWYRER. See! It approaches! It grows and grows to the
size of a mountain I It turns the sea and sky black; and the fish and
birds die as it passes. Why don't they keep it off?
MR. POSTEY DUPP. My dear fellow, don't be hysterical, for goodness'
sake I It's only the steamer, bound from Marseilles (where the cholera
is raging) via some other port to England, with rags. The authorities-
are busy taking steps to avert the cholera; they cannot attend to the
steamer from Marseilles just now. I was just about to tell you, when.
you so absurdly interrupted me, how all travellers arriving from foreign,
parts are to be fumigated and subjected to quarantine and--
MR. INKWYRER. *' Foreign parts "-but how about Marseilles?
MR. POSTEY DUPP. Oh-they make an exception in the case of
Marseilles provided the ship stops somewhere on the way.
MR. INKWYRER. See-that dreadful ship has entered port. The
rags are being unloaded and sent to Dewsbury! There is a black cloud
hanging over the line of their route! y do the line of their route Why do they allow-
MR. POSTEY DUPP. Don't talk nonsense! I How can authorities-
engaged in warding off a pestilence waste their time on cargoes of rags.
from Marseilles (where the cholera is raging) so long as they call some-
were else on the way ? There, I think we have every reason to con-
gratulate ourselves on the foresight of the country in taking every
precaution. Not only have the street drains, &c.; but all insanitary
houses have been, &c., while the state of the Thames has undergone
rigid, &c., and every attention has been paid to, &c., &c.
Dear me I To think that the cholera should have decimated the
country after all, and that it should have begun at Dewsbury!

THE most melancholy agricultural outlook at this time of year is the-
wild stare of a thirsty sub-editor of a comic paper, who sorrows as he
thinks of hock and seltzer "cornists" round at the Gaiety bar, while
he is "boxed up" in an office cutting down green fodder into chaff.

52 FUN. JULY 30, 1884.

IR,-" Glorious Goodwood"
S" ( oncemore! IloveGoodwood,
S and revel in it most of all
meetings in the year. Not
that I care for racing itself;
it is a pursuit I despise, and
don't think much of, and its
professors are persons I loathe
and detest, and do not admire.
They are so greedy for the
straight tip, and so grossly
violent when they find they
haven't got it when they
-- thought they had. No, Sir, I
enjoy Goodwood, I love
Goodwood, because it gives
i -me an opportunity of having
Ti^ _four days, or at any rate four
I evenings, at Brighton-sweet
Brighton, shingle-bound and
electro-lighted haven of joy,
r that I rapturously adore and
PORTRAIT OF THE GENTLEMAN WHO THOUGHT rather like I-with the addi-
T.Y.C. MEANT THAMES YACHT CLUB. tional satisfaction of being
able to debit you with the exes.
But in the midst of my joy it is necessary that I give you tips. Here is
one for each day of the meeting. First, my
If fear in the mind of the Prophet should linger,
And tinge all his tips with the glamour of doubt,
Is that any reason for raising a finger
Of scorn and derision, and pointing him out ?
If certainty glows in his bosom, and, proudly
Convinced of success, he should dance with delight,
Or even suppose he should vocalise loudly,
.Is that any reason for saying he's tight?
And if Corrie Roy should do all that's expected
(And parties may back him, perhaps, for a place),
If glory from Florence once more be reflected,
And settle the Prophet in very good case-
If Donald be first. though but third in my stanza,
And do as I fully expect him to do,
If all should be merged in the mighty Loch Ranza,
Is that any reason for looking so blue ?
All the same, I wouldn't trust this tip too much; I've a weakness for
Blue Grass myself, or John Jones. But to proceed ; here is a
Although I'd be glad to avoid it,
(The feeling's so very distressful),
I feel, though my very best wit I've employed it,
This tip will be quite unsuccessful.
So, though Lowland Chief merits backing,
And St. Blaise's success isn't chancy,
And though for Queen Adelaide nothing is lacking,
And Hauteur may tickle your fancy.
And though swift Geheimniss may please it,
And Diletto, most likely, disgust it;
While the tip takes Lucerne, and exhorts you to seize it,
I wouldn't advise you to trust it.
That's carefully expressed, at any rate; and so on we go to my
The time I easily recall
When Quicklime would have held my all;
But that I'd have you plainly know
Was very, very long ago.
I've fairly changed my mind since then,
And now I love St. Gatien;
And Tristan, too, my heart can touch,
And Cosmos "likes me very much.
Still I would give what praise I can
To Mr. Rothchild's Talisman;
But look for unexampled joy
From Mr. Manton's Corrie Roy.

And lastly, though far from leastly, here is my stupendous, infallible,
and unavoidable
A rather lengthy entry, and a doubt about the weights of them,
A very meagre knowledge of their mothers and the mates of them,
With most without performances to yield a decent test of them,
It's really rather difficult to hit upon the best of them.
Trophonius, however, isn't very much afraid of them,
He 's pretty sure to make, you know, whatever's to be made of them-
And, so, here goes for Eunice, the quickest of the quick of them,
Though probably the Hermit Colt is just about the pick of them;
But there's Acrostic, Lowland Chief, a very clever pair of them,
But if there's any beat Lucerne the Prophet's unaware of them.

So no more at present from

Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.

A Study.
HE was a good and loveable man, we knew it well: whence, there-
fore, this settled melancholy that was settling upon him, and bidding
fair to cast a permanent gloom over his life ?
Oft, as we sat by him, we marked, much moved, the settled longing
in his far-off gaze ; we marked his hand stretched out unconsciously as
if to grasp something longed for, yet unknown. Yet he was rich, in
good health, virtuous, beloved, envied I
"What is it which, being absent, destroys your happiness?" we
asked. Have you not all that earthly bosoms can desire ? "
He sighed wearily, and turned his yearning eye for an instant upon
us, as he replied:
"Give me more love-the love of my fellow-men-of my country. I
am.in receipt of affection; but, alas! the amount is too limited. Let
my fellow-creatures crowd to kiss my hand in the fervour of affectionate
gratitude- "
"But," we urged, "you are already gentle and good. Do we not all
love you ? Does not the savour of your good deeds-- ? "
He sprang up with a wild gesture of ineffable longing. "That is it,"
he cried; let me do more good still Let me be the wholesale bene-
factor of millions, that those millions may love me. Let the little chil-
dren crowd around my knee ; let the little birds all sit upon my head-
not one or two, but all! Tell me, how shall I compass tkis?"
Our head fell upon our breast in deep reflection. How should this
man render himself thus beloved? For three days we remained in the
same attitude, pondering over it. Then we raised our hand, beckoned
him, whispered in his yearning ear.
At the low words his eye flashed; his bosom rose and fell responsive
to the wild beating of his heart; with one great stride he reached the
door and sallied forth.
Three months from that day we saw him once more. There had
swept a pestilence over the land. Around him stood the relatives of
those who had succumbed to it-thousands and thousands : they pressed
to kiss his hand : the little children, by millions, flocked to his knees
or nestled in his bosom : all the birds-not a few merely-sat, pouring
forth their strains of melodious gratitude, upon his head. He was in-
deed beloved ; his dream was realized; he was happy.
How had he gained his end ?-how earned this overwhelming flood of
deathless gratitude? He had acted upon our suggestion, and imported
into his native land a cargo of rags from a district stricken with the
plague. He is to be buried in Westminster Abbey.

GALT says that "common people are frightened at an unusual toilette."
We differ from Gait. The eccentrics who extravagantly indulge their
whims and fancies in matters of
fashion have more reason for fear
than "common people." "Com-
mon people" sometimes have a sense
of responsibility, as a Gallic mash-
ering visitor to London (with real
live blue blood jumping round his
veins) has found out to his cost. -' '
This gentleman had followed the
latest French fashion of having a
picture of his lady-love painted on -
his thumbnail. As he left a well-
known restaurant the other night
several elderly persons from Soho
followed him and washed that nail
clean, merely to keep up the honour
and cleanliness of the aristocracy of la belle France. They scrubbed so
vigorously that there is not much of the nail left. The G. M. V. is hurt
to the quick.

JULY 30, 1884. FUN. 53

A Take In.
IN love and war all strategy is fair;
And girls-like fencers-practise dext'rous feintings,
With many a device, or ruse de guerre,
Man-oevres, woman-oevres, sighs, and paintings.
Powder and balls are very useful things,
And love and war cannot exist without them;
Armies and Cupids fly-they both have wings-
And carry weapons of assault about them.
My love makes war on me with horse and foot,
New batteries incessantly unmasking;
My chance of conquering seems black as soot,
Though once I thought she could be had for asking I f
She plays with me as if upon a line
She'd hook'd me-like a sort of human salmon I
She makes me fancy love is all divine-
And then assures me it is only "gammon! "
Is she enticing me with wicked eyes?
Am I deceived?

I've found out what's the matter !
She thinks about her I 've been telling lies,
And it has made her mad as any hatter.
I said that she was "taken in by me,
And I have proved to be no lying sinner,-
She now admits it to be true-for she
Was often taken in by me-to dinner I

"None but the brave deserve the fair "-they say.
A proof of this at Wimbledon was seen,
For though they all were plucky there I ween,
It was a gallant-man, who otherr day,
Bore off the prize that's given by the Queen.
No naval record could that "Shootist" show,
You '11 own he was the "main, top-gallant though.

A RABID Opposition paper speaks of such peers as Lord
Jersey and Lord Wemyss as "weak-kneed." And yet many
thoughtful persons anxious to see a conflict between the two P U N S OF T H E P E R I 0 D.
Houses averted, think that the events of the past week- Rrank-"WELL, KITTY, YOU NEEDN'T SNEER AT THE MASHERS,
(k)needed some such sensible peers. FOR YOU ARE ONE YOURSELF."
A NEW novel by a Mrs. Needell has just been published. Kate (freezingly).-" INDEED, I SHOULD BE SORRY TO BE ANYTHING
It is Needell-less to say that this ought to be a sharp and so SILLY."
pointed work. That Needell doubtless has an eye "for effect Frank.-" WELL, YOU WON'T DENY THAT YOU ARE MA CH]tRE."
in pursuing the "thread" of her story. [Kate thaws.

FRIDAY, 18 Julys.-Ze Lords read tree times ze Vauxhall Vater Bill.
At Vauxhall zey vill not be Vaterloosers, for Milor Scamperdown put
down his foot vit clause zat ze Company sail supply ze payer of vater-
rate vit returns. Next zeyvill demand cigars. Lord Maurice vit Fits report
to ze Commons British officer have go to Dongola-I suppose in gondola.
Monday.-Aftare all ze demonstrations, Milor Selborne is ze only
lord zat get ze sack. He resume ze voolsack at qvartaire of hours after
four. Lord Carlingford inform Lord Henpecker and Yelper zat ze
Privy Council cannot give notice to local boards ven zey have corns and
gumboil-only he call it foot-an'-mouse disease-in ze next counties.
Ze Thames at Barking set Sir Milner growling. Sir Dilke say it vill be
seen into. Mr. Macfarlane say it is too sick. Jim Louder and Mr.
Chaplin tell Sir Vernon it vas ver' nonsensicals zat his procession should
block ze vay to ze House of Common. He do not desire to come in ze
undareground vay it la Milor Sherbrooke some time ago. It vould be
too Low(e) for him zat style. Sir Harcourt vas not avare ze procession
block ze vay to ze House of Commons. I rise and say, "Mr. Espikare,
old chappie, it vill do more-it vill block ze vay to ze House of Lords,
if zey do not mind zeir cues and peas." Ze Mudir of Dongola have
receive letter from Gordon. It is in French. Ze House demand of me
vat Gordon mean ven he say he is en bonne defense. I say he is all right
up till now, and is vaiting till ze clouds roll by. Ve go in Supply.
O'Brien up. He should be call a brayin'.
Tuesday.-Lord Redesdale ask for vy vill not ze Government ven zey
bring up Franchise Bill for his trial at ze next Session do like ze manager
zat cannot fill his theatre vit peoples zat pay-zat is, distribute ze seats.
Lord Granville reply zey vill not interfere vit ze seats, but vill stick to
ze form. Jim Louder and ze ozzare Tories complain in ze Commons
zat ze Board vich Vorks have remove ze railings and posts in ze parks to
oblige ze Demon Stration. Mr. Shaw Lefevre take no notice of zeir
railings. He say ze time for Here stands a post" has gone. a foil

it vas better as it is zan zat ze people should as vonce upon ze time take
down ze park railings zemself.
Vennisday.-To-day ze mot d'ordre of ze Irish membares is not hold
ze Harvests." It is "vizhold ze Celery;" and zey demand zat ze Crown
Solicitor for Tipperarys sail have ze escrew put on him by his escrew
being taken off him, because he have commence action to defend his
character, and some von have present petition against him. Peter
Rylands and Arnold support him. I tell ze latter, "You Ar'nold
stupids. Lettuce give ze man his Celery." Ve do.
Sursday.-Ze House of Chuckares-out serve ze poor Guardians of ze
Law of Ireland Bill ze same as ze Franchise Bill. Lord Hartington tell
us in ze Commons zat to defend ze Pyramids ve sail have to "shell out."
Mr. Gladstone tell us ze Egyptian Conference is not like ze Egyptian
Beauties, affair of esmoke. I say no, but it is a burning question.

EVERY profession or trade has its singular usages, which are sometimes
too carefully observed by disciples. Perhaps the most objectionable
trade practice we know is that indulged in by milkmen. We are not
about to refer to the Simpsonian custom of milk-sellers. No a far
worse infliction than Simpson is thrust on a long-suffering public by
vendors of lacteal fluid. We refer to the exuberant noise they make while
following their calling. Should a shoemaker bring a pair of slippers to a
customer's house, he does not stand rattling them against the railings
outside, yelling at the top of his voice, "Sho, shooo, shooow, showoow I "
and pealing the bell all the time, as if the domicile were on fire. But
a milkman finds it absolutely necessary in the interests of his business,
from half-past six in the morning to half-past five in the afternoon, to
rattle his cans as much as possible against every area-rail he stops against,
wrenching and clanging the bells of each house he calls at. "Coo,
cooou, cooow, coouowo I" shrieks and roars the milkman, till we all
wish ourselves babies again, with no jumpy nerves to speak of.

B To CORRasPONDwrTS.--T Edito'r does nit Und Aimutf to achMnvledge, return, or ay for Contributions. In no case will they At returnild unk
acomianied by a stamped and directed envelofet.

54 FTTN _JULY 30, 1884.


ONLY a Flower Girl," by the author of "My Neighbour Nellie"
("Fun" office). We cannot do less than speak in complimentary terms
of this book, as it issues from our own shop," but it deserves the most
complimentary terms in which we can speak of it-it will be as great a
favourite with others as it is with ourselves.
"The Little Flower Girl," and other stories in verse, by Robin (W.
Swan, Sonnenschein & Co.), These stories are told for children," and
are well adapted for their entertainment; the pictures, too, are pleasing.
"A Trip to America," by William Hardman (T. Vickers Wood).
Without stirring a step abroad, the intelligent reader may sit at home at
ease, and at the same time, with this book in his hand, enjoy "A Trip
to America."
"The Handbook of the A. B. C. (American, British, and Colonial)
Exchange Club" (A. B. C. Ex. Club). To the many thousands of
American and Colonial gentlemen who visit London the advantages of
the A. B. C. Club will be easily apparent, and to them this handy book,
so full of requisite information, will be immensely useful.
"The Tourist's Guide to Ireland," by W. F. Wakeman, F.R. H. H.A. I.
(Official Guide, Dublin). Those who wish to see Ireland could not have
a better guide than Mr. (wide-a-)Wakeman, who here places before them
"the precise kind of information they require, without the necessity of
asking many questions."

"Royal Route to the Highlands (David Bryce and Son, Glasgow).
This is a very useful little guide and time book, which may be carried in
the waistcoat pocket.
The House of Lords," by Sir John Bennett (David Bogue). In view
of the prominent position the question of "the House of Lords "is assu-
ming, the robust arguments of Sir John Bennett cannot fail to have a
powerful influence on the minds of the people.
The Late Charles Reade; the Story of his Conversion," by Charles
Graham (Morgan and Scott). The book may serve the author's purpose
according to his views, but from the meshes of the evil net" and the
"sin in this entanglement" in regard to the theatre we dissent.
"John Bull and his Neighbour," by a Brutal Saxon (Wyman and
Sons). In our notice of "John Bull and his Island," we intimated that
something similar might be written of France. In "John Bull and his
Neighbour," "a Brutal Saxon has "hit back with powerful and well-
directed blows, in return for the attacks upon this country in many recent
works; but though much of what he cites against France is unparalleled,
in shame it must be confessed that much may be paralleled in England.
"' The Did'em Ditties" (H. Vickers). We have already commended
these ditties to the favourable consideration of our readers, and do so
THE neplus ultra of Imbecility.-The contemptible twaddle of Tory
papers at the present time.

QBIDr Richest Custard! Without

Sea CUSTARD dbury's
ats ais.5 aII h X% a pll tn ,peth e Cocoa thickens in the Co(J3 IPJ
ifker 7 Or W DS ERi cup it proves the | | | |
ave met with general approbation. Write as smoothly as a addition of Star L
ALFRED BIRD & SONS, Devonshire Works, lad pencil, and neither scratch nor spurt, the ints being
irmingham oed byanew process. Medals awarded AssortedLUBLE!! REFRESHING!
B ,,g m Sanples Box,6d, post-free,7Stamps:tothe Work.,t,.B.ngh,. PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!

AUGUST 6, 1884. FU N 55

r V,

/ .i



SCENE-The precincts of a police-court. The execrations of the crowd
heard without. Enter the Magistrate, pale and careworn, and cover-
ing his face with his hands.
His WORSHIP (to Policeman X.) Oh, hear you how they curse me up
and down,
Crossing themselves, and point the scornful index,
Shrinking, and drawing all their coat-tails in
Lest I should touch them? How they draw their babes
The closer to their hearts, and take their fancy
With cake and bottle, doll and gingerbread,
To turn their eyes from me? Oh, officer,
Oh, constable-oh, private-goes thy heart
Not on the beat to find me hounded thus?
Are not its inmost cells-(I would address thee
In idioms that fit thy calling)-ache
At this my misery--?
POLICEMAN X. (putting away the magistrate's imploring hand from his
sleeve, and steeling himself). I cannot hear thee!
I am an officer at thy command :
As such, I do thy bidding-ask no more,
Or that humanity that wells within me
Shall burst this coat of blue, and bid me tell thee
I know thee for-
His WORSHIP. Ah, spare the cruel word I
POLICEMAN X. (Turning his glaring eye full upon him, and grasping
him by the wrist).
There came to thee, by cruel warrant summoned,
A lady who refused to pay her rates
Because she had no vote. What didst thou do?
Didst stretch a liberal hand, and give her votes,
And let her go? No, no-thou didst condemn
To payment, or to sale of furniture;
And when she went and smashed her furniture,
And would not pay, but blubbered "! lock me up,"
What didst thou then?
His WORSHIP. Indeed I locked her up.
POLICEMAN X. Yea, even now-the halo round her head
Awry with agitation-in her cell
She sits and writes a letter to the Times.
There came to thee, conveyed by stern police,
A lady who insisted on haranguing
From seats on Primrose Hill. Didst dry her tears,
Hand her voice-jujubes, bid her still harangue
And cause as much obstruction as she pleased ?
No I Thou didst fine her. When she would not pay,
Didst thou not send her to the cruel cells ?
E'en now she bangs her halo on the door
For pen and paper I

VOL. XL.-NO. 1004.

HIS WORSHIP (to the Usher). Canst thou too condemn?
THE USHER. Hence, touch me not, your worship I
THE CLERK. No, nor me I
HIs WORSHIP. Horror Another female prisoner I
Yes, yes I She wears the customary halo,
And steps the mournful step of martyrdom I
(with a great effort) What is the charge ?
POLICEMAN X. Your worship, she's up
For breaking windows in St. Stephen's Palace,
Also maliciously, and with a stone,
Assaulting Mr. Gladstone on the head.
FEMALE PRISONER. I did-I want my vote I I wish to be
A martyr--
His WORSHIP. Oh, I knew' t!
FEMALE PRISONER. Bear me hen ce
To dungeons dismal and pestiferous;
Load me with chains--
His WORSHIP. Approach, Policeman X.
I hereby yield mine office unto thee.
Farewell The female martyr grant thee peace I

De-" Cri "-ed.
A LOT of Tory editors met lately at the Cri,"
And 'tis said they had some visions of a decent subsid-y,
But it didn't quite turn out as they conjectured.
No "lump sum or e'en instalments was proposed by Tory chiefs
And then, to add still further to those editorial griefs,
By Lord Salisbury and Sir Stafford they were lectured I
So that Criterion-conference was not a bright affair;
Indeed, in some respects it caused a Cri" of deep despair.

THE LATEST CRY OF THE CHILDREN.-" Please to remember the

56 FUN. AUGUST 6, 1884.

I c HE London manager must,
S! on the whole, have felt
himself somewhat at a dis-
count during the recent
| Weeks. At any rate, he
has shown himself con-
,I scious of some neglect by
S_ shutting his doors and
S! i "awaying" to the kindlier
S l atmosphere of (more or
i ) less) rural and provincial
England, Ireland, and
But ere these lines attain
the reader's gaze, a "good
I A time will have come upon
S that manager, however
N.. long it will continue.
Bank Holiday and pro-
S sperity are his for the
nonce, let what will occur
upon the morrow-though
I know no reason that for-
THE LONDON MANAGER (WHO ALWAYS KNOWS tune should fail him, save
WHEN HE ISN'T WANTED) GOES OUT OF TOWN. tune should ail hm, save
that there are too many
managers for the existing number of playgoers.

TOOLE's.-The plot of Casting a Boomerang being pretty well known
from the slight controversy occasioned by the previous production of
another version of the same original at a matinee, and the August-in
Daly company of comedians (who are playing here Daly in August, by
the way) appearing in a fresh piece before these lines can see the light,
it is not necessary to dwell upon the merits or demerits of the piece to
any considerable extent. My opinion of it is that though it has neither
very much strength of plot or over brilliance of dialogue, it has quite
sufficient of the former to be fairly interesting, and of the latter to be
fairly amusing.
The acting is very much better than the piece, resulting in frequent
and hearty bursts of laughter and applause. The company, indeed, is
an excellent one, it plays an extravagant piece with scarce a tinge of
extravagance, with an art that is real and true, and with an ensemble
that is almost perfect. Their style is a lesson to actors of farcical comedy,
its reality is its distinguishing point,-when they are angry they are
earnestly angry, not farcically so; when they are nonplussed they are
seriously, not farcically nonplussed ; the same with terror, love, and so
on ; the immense gain that this is to the fun of the situations, which are
in themselves humorous, is obvious.

Miss Ada Rehan, the leading lady, who soon overcomes the prejudice
engendered by a sort of fat and affected drawl in which she indulges, by
an exhibition of delightful skill, Mr. W. Gilbert, for a clever exposition
of a part, which, however, gives many opportunities, and Mrs. G. A.
Gilbert by an impersonation of marked completeness, merit special notice.

The lightning in the third act went bang on the night of my visit.
It was a pretty loud bang, and the act proceeded in a thick and odorous
mist, but nobody stirred, and so no harm was done.

THE EMPIRE.-That wearisome creature, the masher" (and we
credit report) having found in the Empire metal more attractive than his
sometime haunt,
the little house in
-.. the Strand, which
S "- cY boasts itselfas one
--- having "no iron
// curtain, no oil
SF lamps, and no
frantic advertise-
ments" (1I I ?),
it is not unnatural
that the idols of
the deserted shrine
should seek their
former devotees in
their newly.
favoured temple.
Anyway, Mr.
THE EMPIRs.-PRIESTESS OF THE SACRED LAMP (to long. Reece's funnyand
lost Mashcr). HULLO I here YOU ARE WHY, WVs'v seemingly peren-
The Forty Thieves, manipulated into two acts, and played by the Gaiety

company, under the management of Mr. Hollingshead, has taken up its
quarters here for a few weeks.

Miss Farren plays her original part with all her original sprightliness,
Mr. E. W. Royce reappearing as the Robber Chief, while Miss
Constance Gilchrist and Mr. W. Elton succeed Miss Kate Vaughan and
Mr. Terry as the Terpsichorean and knife tricky Morgiana, and the im-
pecunious but merry woodcutter respectively. Miss Phillis Broughton,
Mr. John Dallas, and Mr. W. Warde complete the main cast. I don't
see why the programme shouldn't be found sufficiently attractive for its
allotted weeks.

NODS AND WINKs.-The second play of the Daly company (full
notice next week) is a piece of "American life and manners," called
Dollars and Sense. No doubt there is a laudable desire (and may
it be gratified) to acquire many of the former, and an original American
play containing any superabundance of the latter will be something
of a novelty, and ought to create a furore !-The Private Secretary has
passed his hundredth night at the Globe, and seems likely to stick to
his situation for some time to come.-Miss Marion Terry has been playing
Viola in Twelfth Night at the Lyceum since Monday week in consequence
of her sister's suffering from a severely inflamed hand. This is scarcely the
kind of "hand" actresses desire, and everybody will wish the talented
lady speedily quit of it.-This (Wednesday) afternoon Miss Carlotta
Leclercq will present and play in a performance of Mr. Bartley Camp-
bell's Fate at the Olympic; Mr. Campbell's fate at the Olympic on the
last occasion that he tempted it (with My Partner) was not exactly to-
ward-better luck to him next time.-The Novelty closed on Saturday
to reopen in September. Mem. The Scalded Back dreads cold water.-
Mr. Julian Cross has written a melodrama in four acts called Outcast
London, which is.to be produced
at the Surrey on the 25th; in
selecting the performers for the
work, Messrs. Conquest and
Merritt have determined to out-
cast London, I believe.-On the M I
29th, which it's a Wednesday,
and exactly 1939 years after the
landing of Julius Cesar, if that
is of any consequence, Mr. Har- /
rington Baily takes a benefit at
the Gaiety ; a piece rather eccen-
trically entitled, Faith ; or, Ed-
dication and Rights will make
its first appearance on any stage
on the occasion.-M. Lubimoff
is engaged to play Dr. Ceneri in
Mr. Bruce's No. I company, on
tour with Called Back, in which
combination Miss Alma Murray
sustains the part of Pauline -
March. I can imagine the Rus- C
sian delighting in the Siberian
chainery of the third act, and I THE ALHAMBRA.-" BLACK-EYEDSUSAN
wish this Pauline very March
success.-Black Eyed Susan has opened the doors of the Alhambra. I'll
tell you what she looks like next week. Meantime our artist gives
his idea I-The English version of La Passionara has been successfully
produced at Hull, under Mr. Wilson Barrett's management, under the
title of The Woman and the Law (an exploded law, by the way). It
was received, I am told, with cheers and applause-a regular Hull-a-
bulloo, in fact. NESTOR.

IN the Margate Marine Palace of Truthful Jollity even paterfamilias can
waltz to his heart's content, and he sometimes does so after his spouse has
caught him on the hop," subsequently to the arrival of the Husband's
Boat," for all is pleasantry in the Isle of Thanet's abode of palatial bliss.
But dancing is not all that goes on at the royal abode of pleasure in
Margate. Serious matters are thought over and carefully digested, and
eating and drinking (in moderation, of course) are carefully considered
by those who provide refreshments, and by those who consume them.
The band, we are delighted to state, is clean, sober, and perfect,"
though each individual member of it does not belong to the Band of
Hope." The art of swimming is well and playfully exhibited by Miss
Beckwith. When watching this young lady dipping, diving, and splash-
ing about gracefully in the water, we were reminded of a tricky little
girl, who used to live on and under the banks of the Rhine, Miss
Lurline by name, verb sap. It is unnecessary to speak very highly in
praise of the Margate Marine Palace, because those who visit it are
tolerably certain to enjoy themselves, even if they happen to be

DON'T ask the water-beetle the depth of the pool.

AUGUST 6, 1884. FUN. 57

"Cattle !"
The Ecwo, referring to Sir Stafford Northcote's recent description of
those who took part in the great demonstration in favour of the Franchise
Bill as cattle," says, The multitude of Londoners who are described
by Sir Stafford as 'cattle' will treasure the word in their'recollection."
Oh, Sir Stafford, Sir Stafford, we note, with regret,
That your manner has changed a lot lately;
We knew you were always a Tory, but yet
Every Liberal respected you greatly.
For your method of warfare was genial and bland,
And in each political battle,
You set an example to all of your band,
Your speeches were hitherto courteously planned,
Now, into a blaze by Lord Salisbury fanned,
You regard English toilers as "cattle."
You were wont to be one of the few of your clique
Who were ne'er known to bully and bluster,
And some (such as Randolph) declared you were weak,
But no one was kinder and juster.
But now there's a great transformation-ah, yes I
Or why, in Conservative prattle,
Do you such a lack of acuteness express ?
It fills Mr. FUN with the greatest distress
To hear you thus imitate reckless Lord S.
And call English artizans "cattle."
We know the great Salisbury calls them the mob,"
Yea, thus he again lately dubbed them;
But 'twill be for your party a very bad job
That you mocked the people and snubbed them.
You know that Conservatives often pretend
(In the course of much vague tittle-tattle)
To pose as the toilers' and peasants' best friend,
But that hanky-panky will come to an end,
The People will see through it, you may depend,
Since even you christen them cattle! "

"Dear Me!"
A STARTLING advertisement has recently appeared in the
exchange columns of a ladies' journal. It runs as follows:-
"Wanted to Exchange, the Better Land for this Worka-
day World. What offers ?-SILVIA."
Silvia evidently does not know when she is well off. The
attention of spiritualists will probably be drawn to this incon-
testible piece of evidence as to the existence of a direct system
of communication between this and other spheres. Should
any one close with Silvia's offer, we wonder after what method
the exchange will be effected.

IR,-Hoorah I once more.
Goodwood is over; and
who gave you all the win-
ners, as well as Prism for
the Leicester Cup? But
S I haven't left my bonnie,
S I -; bonnie Brighton" not
'" while there is another race
41 meeting in the neighbour-
S- hood-not exactly I So I
enclose you account of my
expenses for the week
(amount of which per re-
turn will oblige), and a

SThe charlatans boast of
their flukes all con-
Labouring ever to prove
a success.
Let tipsters give tips which
are hopeless, repeat-
TO MEAN THIS SORT OF THING. Finding themselves in a
deuce of a mess.
But those who have head-gear, and ready to doff it are
(Obvious merit preparing to guage)

^ 42^


Will cheerfully own that the tips of the Prophet are,
The most reliable tips of the age.

The Wandering Nun has been weighted too heavily
Surely, and Tonans's chance is but small,
And looking about where the entries stand, bevily,
The Duke of fair Richmond seems best of them all.
Though "Brag is a good dog," Lucerne is a better one,
Better than any the gay Lowland Chief,
While Beauchamp evinces few drawbacks to fetter one,
Marian's placed, it's my humble belief.
No more at present, Sir, from yours truly. I'm going deep into the
Leger-I'll leger have the result anon; I trust you will take it as
anoner, and believe me to be Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.

Octavius Ebenezer Potts.
LIBERALIZM is a good thing in its way, so is beedles. We may assume
that Republikanism iz a fine institushen ; we kan assume the same of
Strorberrys kum in with the summer, so do fleiz.
I don't think mutch of kritiks.
A trait in a woman's karaktef is to stick her needles where she nos
where to find them again.
A good plan to tell whether boots want soling is to hold them up to
the lite.
Time iz a klensing fire.
Ligitimasy before awl" wood make a good tmotto.

58 FUN. AUGUST 6, 1884.

IN reply to a question in the House of Commons, it was stated that sham butter is admitted into the country by the Customs authorities, under the name of" butter."

And it was a little more recently that that same British Executive was observed to be in And that reform
the habit ot engaging in some mysterious iob, on the sea-shore, under cover of darkness.

C _- __o

'.~j ~-N

med John Bull began to grow ill rom slow poisoning.

FUN.-AUGUST 6, x884.


I I "


~~;' III]

kiN^ s


(See Cartoon.)
A PAINFUL picture here we see !
A Tory Peer's out on the spree;
But don't
Imagine his Bank Holiday
Breeds only inoffensive play,
For he objects to pass away-
And won't.

The grave policeman bids him go,
Threatens to move him on-but, no !
"Don't care!"
Is all the answer he can get,
Delivered in a stubborn pet,
And to a second, sterner threat-
"You dare I"
Poor Bobby tries, as he knows how,
To make him leave or hold his row,
But can't:
For in his elevated state,
Your Peer grows wildly obstinate,
And simply tells the peeler straight-
"I shan't !"

AUGUST 6, x884, FUN. 61

WE don't like to put damaging reports about, but a cry comes forth
which has reached our ears, viz., that the G. 0. M. searched about
London shops recently, and purchased
a cheap hat, some mince pies, and a
Welsh rarebit, and is going to retire
from business. Several Conservatives
are dangerously excited in conse-
quence of the news. A Tory com-
mittee of investigation is already
appointed, and a cheap banner has
been painted for a forthcoming Con-
servative procession with our Premier
depicted in his new stove pipe and
the words, "Do away with the Grand
Old Man," written underneath his
good old manly breast. But the
British public cannot afford to do
without him, though the British peers
can, and men of the world know it.

A PARISIAN policeman called
Simon recently was obliged (much
against his will) to arrest a disturber
of the peace. The culprit thought
it best to charge the official maintainer of peace, and in doing so trans-
fixed himself on the officer's sword, and unkindly died on the spot,
much to the bystanders' disgust. Simon was arrested at once, and
liberated on bail. This fact evidently upset his mind, for he toddled
down to the river Seine after refreshing himself with a glass or two of
absinthe, and swelled that flowing stream by throwing himself into it.
He was promptly saved, and we hear he is to be decorated for "gallant
conduct." We decline to call this constable Simple Simon, though
several members of the French Senate have implored us to do so.

MATTERS are not progressing in Australia as the aborigines desire, for
a prospecter lately informed us in a kindly manner that investigation
on the part of Europeans meant a case of race against race, and he also
hinted delicately that in many parts where gold is dug up out of the
soil, natives are sometimes hardy and daring enough to object to the
dross being removed, and throw boomerangs at the prospecters, and
through, or threw, their wicked, bad ways our prospecter once received
a severe cut over the eyebrow while engaged on an exploration. We
asked him what became of the native gentleman who threw the weapon.
His concise and curiously terse reply was, "He didn't swing a boomerang
again. I've got a very nice little 'Express' rifle, and we don't trouble
much about coroner's inquests out there." ,
FINDING matters growing interesting, we judiciously prospected
our friend, fresh from the seductive fields of warm Queensland,
in which delightful country he had made himself at home for a lengthy
period. The prospecter, with the most good-natured air ate chocolate
creams, and advised us that wicked and naughty beings who imbibe
too much medicated whisky overnight, and show both in mind and
body that they have done so, are by some mysterious means singularly
liable to be pounced on by objectionable police, and chained to a log.
In the morning, according to our friend, the police constitute them-
selves magistrates, and after having fined the offenders five shillings,
ramble to the nearest drinking shanty and spend the money received
from the culprit, to the mutual disadvantage of the ex-prisoner and
self-constituted judge.
THE "colonial" was also kind enough to inform us that on one
occasion a police officer arrested an inebriate overnight-chained and
fixed him to a log as usual, but was sorely distressed at finding the log,
leg-irons, and prisoner all gone to realms he'd never heard of. When
twenty black police "trackists had been employed affairs cheered up
a bit, and discoveries, decidedly singular, were made. The anti-
Lawsonite had roused himself from his peaceful slumbers during the
still night, and having betaken himself to the nearest camp pawn-
broker's "shanty," pledged the "leg-irons" with which he had been
fixed to the log. He was a muscular man, though sentimental, for
when re-arrested a daisy was found in his mouth. Nobody ever knew
what became of the log, though. Credulous persons suppose he de-
voured it while escaping from the clutches of the law.
"A REFORMED GARDENER" writes to us, saying that our British
Peers should be treated after the fashion of flowering plants, namely, by
a firm hand, cutting down all dookal" rubbish which is neither useful
nor ornamental. The Reformed cultivatist of fair flowers does not
explain whether the pruning should take place during this month or not,
but he fervently hopes Sweet William will lop off a few withered
peerage blossoms, and create some new pinks of peerage perfection.

NEW SERIES, No. 33. AIR-" Teresa."
HE moon has
Scarcely risen,
love, the
bobby's onhis
TI I've come to
serenade you,
love, and give
you such a
I hope you care
for novelty, if
not, I'm much
tain novelty
Ad alIt does not deal
with pretty
S its wording
Through all the world of platitude to prove I'll "never change,"
It does not deal with things like this in any sort of way,
But touches superficially the topics of the day.
My loved one, then, my darling one, oh, listen while I sing
Of reasons, murders, stratagems, and all that kind of thing,
Of politics and theatres, of racing men and fights,
And cognate things in which, we know, the female soul delights.
My dear, the Mayor of London town (I should have called him Lord,
But decent opportunity the rhythm don't afford),
Has had the Mayors and Provosts up (it shows his taste and nous),
And given them a dinner in his native Mansion House.
St. Paul's new school at Hammersmith was opened t'other day,
And all the parties most concerned seemed jocular and gay.
Success most unequivocal attended, I may state,
The Hospital and Healtheries' grand combination fite.
My loved one, then, my darling one, oh, listen while I sing
Of Shakespeare in the open air, and all that kind of thing;
And see how charity affects the female upper ten,"
Inducing them to don the hose and dub-u-lets of men.
Oh, gone is "Wimbledon," and all the joys that it can yield,
Where Gallant wins the Queen her prize, and Erin Elcho's shield,
Where "ping" the rival bullets of the rival men amain,
Where lurks the merry earwig and the intermittent rain.
Sir Charley Dilke is scarcely one whom vestrymen can quell,
And he has sat most firmly on those hight of Clerkenwell.
Against the Colonists the Sussex made a topping score,
The match was drawn, though, after all, which was, perhaps, a bore,
My loved one, then, my darling one, oh I listen while I sing,
Miss Jessie Craigen's at it once again, the silly thing;
The Tories with their picnics, love, will raise your gentle smile,
Say-shall we turn Conservative for just a little while ?
The Markiss he has had the Tory editors to dine,
And Liberals keep demonstrating, whether wet or fine.
And since that famous Monday, the Conservatives (a lark)
Have had a sort of "counter demonstration" in the Park.
For politics are in the air, and fiercer grows the fight-
The Liberals, of course, you know, are wholly in the right;
What's more, I undertake to say it's not at all too strong
To say that the Conservatives are wholly in the wrong.
So listen, love, and ponder, love, the while your lover sings
This highly satisfactory and proper state of things ;
We pay our demonstrators, the Conservatives have said,
It seems they will not go to them, not even if they're paid.
'Tis now a half a century since slavery's defeat,
Commemorating which a lot of personages meet.
That Spanish gunboat's done a deed of which it needn't brag,
It mustered up its impudence and fired upon our flag I
The season's drawing to a close, and so the powers provide
For two of our nice ironclads the usual collide;
Bank Holiday has passed away (our gratitude it earns),
And they've unveiled a statue to that Scotchman, Robert Burns.
My loved one, then, my darling one, oh I listen while I sing
Of reasons, murders, stratagems, and all that kind of thing;
Of politics and theatres, and racing men and fights,
And now adieu, my love, adieu I-a score of fond good nights I



Newmarket Meeting.

A Tip on the Ledger.

Finding admirers at Four to One.

The Double Event. Making the Running.

"AT a meeting of the Leek Board of Guardians a letter was read
from Mr. R. Farrow, the urban sanitary inspector.
"It called attention to the very serious risk to health and life arising
from the existence of dangerous infectious disease in the rural sanitary
district of Leek, more especially in cases where persons affected, or
persons attending the sick, are engaged in dairy work, and of which
cases the proper officers have no knowledge. Be had found a case of
scarlet fever being treated in a room in which cheese was stored ready for
market; another where a person affected was engaged in milking cows;
and another in which the attendant on a very bad case was preparing a
large quantity of milk for despatch bly railway."
There was a general, though inexplicable, feeling that that person
had something about him which distinguished him from every one of
his fellow creatures, and everybody was conscious of it. Yet he was a
very ordinary person to look at, and wore clothes of the regular con-
ventional cut, and had not extraordinariness of manner, and no unusual
store of learning, or genius, or anything else. Yet, the instant one was
brought into his company, one noticed that unusual something about
him. Persons would walk round and round him by the hour together
to try and discover what was the matter with him ; but bless you, they
Then it was noticed that Mr. Barnum pricked up his ears, provided
himself with a few millions of dollars, and started suddenly for Great
Britain; and that the management of the Aquarium were bestirring
themselves ; and that Tussaud's were on the alert about something or
other; and that FUN suddenly perceived that he ought to find out all
about it.
What is there about that party," said he to Barnum, that causes
you to--?"
"Guess your object's clear as moonshine," replied Mr. Barnum.
"Now, see here, stranger; guess I mean to secure him at any price,
so your chance of cutting me out-"
My dear sir," replied FUN, "I wouldn't think of trying it. I
assure you it's the merest inquisitiveness on my part."
Oh, well, you look honest, and I'll trust you," said Mr. Barnum,

speaking in an important whisper. "So I'll tell you straight, he's
just the greatest wonder of the age-that's all he is. He's the only
living male adult who hasn't either ridden in a public conveyance when
he had small-pox, or made butter out of sewage, or sausages out of
putrid meat, or poisoned the public with arsenic, or nitric acid, or
copperas, or brought cholera rags from Marseilles, or refused to be
vaccinated or to disinfect, or prepared milk for the market when he was
suffering from scarlet fever--"
"And you stand there and solemnly tell me that there exists a single
Englishman who hasn't done one of these things-you--? "
I do."
"Then I tell you flatly I don't believe you, so there I" replied FUN,
turning on his heel in the rudest way. And he never will believe it,

All a "Hum!"
THE New York Herald lately said of the House of Lords, that "its
members sit enthroned like gods they take no heed of terres-
trial wants. The hum of the people scarcely reaches their ears."
At the above we need not sadly grumble,
For, though their Lordships sit enthroned like gods,
The people's present hum" will make peers hum"-ble,
E'en nobles hum "-bug cannot face such odds I

AN American journal recently stated that "Lord Randy"-as Lord
R. Churchill is familiarly called-" is fast becoming the political sensa-
tion of England. He takes the crowd."
He takes the crowd." Ah I yes, no doubt,
By many a foolish gibe and flout
He seeks renown.
But oftimes, when he shows some whim,
By quiet snubs the crowd takes him-
It takes him down I

AUGUST 6, 1884. FUN. 63

Creamery Parties.
"It is not every one, unfortunately, who has a dairy, but we ven-
ture to beg any of our suburban friends who have, to follow the
example set by the Express Dairy Company, and send out invita-
tions for a Creamery Party' forthwith. The ordinary garden-party
is pretty well played out, and even ices and fruit begin to pall. But
there is something irresistible about the very sound of sillabubs and
curds and whey, of Devonshire junkets and cumnpoagnie-de-lait."
ARE they returned, then-days dreamy, delicious
As evenings, when tastes were as simple as dress,
When beauty owed nothing to Art's meretricious
Adornments its simple odours to bless?
Buttercap days, ere the world had grown utter,
When men tootle-tooed, but too-too scorned to be,
Days before margarine formed all our butter,
And cups claimed blue saucers, or held only tea.
Creamery; pretty neologism, painting
Things sweeter by far than mere crgme de la crgme,
Though that too deigns honour the feast without fainting,
At sight of a shorthorn, at Betsy Jane's name.
Creamery I cool and serene and pure-scented
With odours of daisy and clover and thyme,
Where masher and dude can be hardly prevented
From talking small talk in Be-attific rhyme.
Come, Lady Maude, call the cattle home early,
And come, Lord de Boots, with the pans and the pails,
And fill them at once with the pure and the pearly
Refreshment before which bad S. and B. quails.
The masher'll grow meek, and, well, as for the dude, he
From all wicked haunts will hold straightway aloof,
And patronize infancy's pure Punch and Judy,
Instead of the Judies of opera bouffe.
What is it to waltz with one's head and heart burning,
And every pulse beating like lunatic drums,
Beside the immaculate pleasure of churning
And watching the butter and seeing it "comes?"
And what is lawn tennis with claret-cup brimming
Except a ridiculous vacuous walk,
Compared with the healthy excitement of skimming,
And adding due doses of water and chalk ?
Ah, creamery parties, your multiplication
Will multiply virtue, will multiply health,
And if milk-with honey-enriches a nation,
More creameries must mean an increase of wealth.
They'll help us drop Bung, and they'll help dish Dilke,
Can't free Father Thames from his taste and his smell,
In fact, the old-fashioned announcement of milk-o "
Will mean to us moderns a cheerful "All's well."

Men and Things.
The author's friends need entertain no anxiety on his
behalf-he knows "his book."
The bluebottle has many enemies, but he usually
manages to escape them all-he is pretty "fly."

SHAKESPEARIAN MOTTO for a recent Lunacy Law Case.
-" Oh I Wel(l)don(e), I commend your pains "

FRIDAYS, your 27 Julys.-Ze Earl of Varr desire to know two muches.
Milor Granville say he must not be in so much hurries. He vill give ze
noble earl early statement vat ze Conference is conferencing.
Ven ze Commons go in Supply Lord Percy demand if Mr. Children
vill take ze tacks from ze carriages, and Mr. Jocowen say he have hit ze
right head on ze nail. Maintenant, ze Chancellor of ze Chequer of X.
say he is not so much Childers he look. I say I hope so tree.
Mondays.-Milor Vims is on his legs on ze subject of ze arms in ze
Army. As chairman of ze N.R.A., he believe in ze Martini-N.R.A.
As for ze new veapon, ze small bore vill be great bore if it is more heavy.
Ze heavy rifle is Snider good for von sing nor any ozzare. Milor Vater-
ford complain zat land in Ireland vill not ,sell, and he say it is ze land-
owner vich is sold. Mr. Cross inform ze House of Commons Sir
Lumsden is laying down scientific frontier in Afghanistan. Vonce more
Villis is Barking at ze House of Lords. Mr. Egerton deny zat in Egypt
ze English Government have cause to be sent out a circular to ze fella-
heen to sqvare up zeir taxes. Next ve take ze Army Estimates, for ze
Marqvis say if you vant to preserve ze peace you must fork out ze pieces.
Tuesday.-Milor Salisbury move to mend ze Standing Orders to

FREEDOM," &C., &C.

make sit up ze slumlord zat turn out ze labouring poor to make room
for public improvements. Ze public improvement he demand is zat
ozzare houses sall be provide for zem. Lord Lamington assess ze
Suez Canal as a cesspool. II semble, ze Canal is in as much muddle as
ze country it flow tro. Mr. Storey draw long story from Milor Fitz-
maurice about ze Nisero. I say I vish I was nigh zero zis sultry
vezzare. Mr. Gladstone inform Trueful Thomas ze Franchise Bill is on
ze shelf. T. T. tell me he mean to keep ze Lords on ze rack. Ve go
in supply ze Service vich is Civil. Mr. O'Connor desire to put ze
escrew on ze Generals A. Tirney and Solicitor for Ireland. He is
support by Mr. Deasy, and Deasily beaten.
Vennisday.-In Supply, Mr. Dawnay considare ve sold annex ze
land of Zulu. "Vot annexed? An extraordinary idea," say Mr.
Ashley. More extraordinary, Sir Holland vire into ze Dutch Boers.



[f To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamnfed and directed envelope.

64 FUN. AUGUST 6, 1884.


i. Farmer Giles has commenced cutting his corn. 2. And Farmer Hodge has had a capital crop. 3. The last-named gentleman took great precautions against
a prevalence of dry 'weather. 4. In one district thrashing operations are vigorously carried on. 5. Hop prospects are not very promising.

An Axe-iom I
IT was the Duke of Portland, and he went and took the chair,
At a Tory demonstration,-a peculiar affair,
And he showed how Mr. Gladstone-with morality most lax-
Attacks the Constitution with his Democratic Axe i "
He vowed the present Premier always pandered to the "mob "-
And he spoke of England's ruin with a deep and ducal sob,
And then with much emotion, he drew Gladstone (worst of quacks)
" Hewing down our Constitution with his Democratic Axe !"
It is probable the youthful peer felt very much relieved
When he alone, unaided, had that keen-edged quip achieved.
And doubtless he imagines that the Premier's breast it racks
When a noble makes remarks about that Democratic Axe I
His Grace, you see ignored the fact, that 'twas his brother peers
That caused their grand, but useless, gang to be assailed with jeers.
That 'tis because Lord Salisbury mere common sense still lacks
That the Ancient House is threatened with the Democratic Axe 1"

HE who would climb highest must carry least.

A Song for the End of the Session.
"Mr. Gladstone announced the early winding up of the Session, and
the withdrawal of a number of Bills."-Daily Paper.
WHAT care we for Bills ? Let the whole of them drop !
We then may be free of this pestilent place I
We shan't do an atom of good if we stop-
Put all public matters away with the mace.
We'll go to our farms, to our yachts, to our moors,
And come to our dinners as gentlemen should,
With ravenous appetites, won out of doors,
And do our digestions and country some good.
If Time was a beauty of feminine sex,
'Tis clear to prorogue you politely would haste;
Her personal pride our proceedings would vex,
Having caused her so monstrous and frightful a waist,
Then waste Time no longer, but use it to win
Good temper and health upon mountains and seas,
No Bill will we have save the Bill at an inn-
Here no-bill-men-there we'll be only M.P.s 1

THOUGHT and space share with time the honours of infirmity.

"''The CLEAN Black Lead."
for Excellence of
Quality and CAU TION.-If
Cleanliness in use. D M L a e,6 t Sfale B Cocoa thickens in the

BLACK LEAD in' uad ocoa
BEWARE of Worthless Imitations. PURE!l! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!!
London i Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at s53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August 6th, 1884.

AUGUST 13, i884. FUN. 65


i i7

Here's an improved notion for the next public holiday. Make knock-'em-downs of the swearers, in place of coker-nuts. Let each row be under the care of a warder.
Any player succeeding in knocking off one of their heads to be entitled to exchange it at a police-station for a shilling.

The Epping Hunt. A great improvement-East-End rough in place of the stag. No need to trouble about cruelty then.

VOL. XL.-NO,1 O0S.
N- -,

66 FT_

ToOLE's.-Now that the opportunity has been accorded of seeing the
Augustin Daly company in a second piece, one begins to understand
their merits
and deme-
S. settle satis-
what one's
DAL "-CAT,'" HnU iong

Ter e ,". i 'tn partic'lar sistently call
V;2 h their pieces
I notice, al-
though the
only two as
yet present-
DALY-cATE Hou OURs! elongated
farces. Dol-
lars and Sense (you will notice the delicate comedy humour of the pun)
is perhaps a more generally satisfactory play than Casting a Boomerang,
but I don't think I should sit up extra boastfully if I were the author of

There is nothing particularly new in the piece. There is an old boy
of "seeing life" yearnings, under the restrictions of a serious and high-
handed wife : there is a young man who sees through everything and
everybody, and puts everything right: there is a young couple with a
mistake between them, which causes continual misunderstanding: there
is a faithful servant who cheats his master (for his good, of course) :
there is a blustering swindler: there is a "siren :" and, lastly, there is
a good-natured hoyden, who "chokes off" an undesirable lover by in-
dulging in some vulgar antics before the gentleman's father-an idea
which was originally presented in a play at a time when I was not born
enough to have seen it by some hundreds of yearsI There is plenty of
humour in the dialogue, though; and I should think the piece would
fill the house well enough until the production of Needles and Pins on

In the acting there is a good deal of genuine comedy too, which would
compensate for a much worse piece. The sense of humour that twinkles
through Mr. James Lewis's impersonation of the genial Quaker who
would like to see a little more life is very delightful, and Mr. Lewis
shows himself a true artist in many ways; while Mrs. G. H. Gilbert, as
his wife, plays with a sincerity which is at once thoroughly artistic and
completely effective. Mr. Otis Skinner is weak; Mr. John Drew and
Mr. C. Leclercq show appreciation of point and character.

But Miss Ada Rehan has hurt me very much. I thought I discerned
in her an actress of innate refinement and delicate appreciation, and I
am not even yet ready to give up that idea entirely, but it received a
rude shock in that one wild and weird nightmare-like scene which well
deserved the voice of the salutary goose that timidly endeavoured to
make itself heard, but was drowned by a combination of compatriots
and groundlings. For taking this questionable demonstration as a com-
pliment, Miss Rehan might have some excuse, but none for acknow-
ledging it in the middle of the act.

THE OLYMPIc.-To all appearance Mrs. Conover has at last secured
the piece
which, if it __
does not ex-

pensate her
for previous
will, at least,
go far to- _
wards that
result. That
Mr. Der-
rick's Twins
abounds in
the majority
dents are
even more perfectly impossible than is usual in this class of piece-is not
in this instance to the point. It is cleverly written, although occasionally
a laugh is obtained by very questionable means-considerable comic in-

[TN AUGUST 13, 1884.

vention is displayed, and it is played in capital style. Mr. Righton's
rendering of the principal part (or parts) is the most completely artistic
thing I have seen him do since that memorable evening when he got
into that delightful bantam-cock rage in Randalls Thumb, when he
and that piece made their first appearance in London at the opening of
the Court Theatre. With one or two light touches the difference be-
tween the Twin Spinaches is made as complete as their resemblance,
and vice versa; and the whole performance is one of artistic care. Mr.
H. H. Vincent appears to great advantage, too, as indeed (with thd
exception that Mr. F. Desmond might infuse a little more fire and deci-
sion into the O'Haversack) the entire cast do.

And now I am going to touch delicately upon a delicate subject.
I think the Olympic management is not well-advised in uncorking the
effervescing bottle and cutting the succulent sandwich in celebration of
first nights, or at least in allowing members of the press to be invited
thereto. Whatever the motives involved, deeply calculating or entirely
innocent and hospitable, no good end is really served. If the motives
are of the former kind, I hold the opinion, in the first place (with all due
deference to my brethren of the nib and quill, and pencil point), that
the press does not wield quite the enormous power in this matter which
some folks are good enough to attribute to it.

Again, it is to be observed that the men who really wield what power
"the estate" possesses are conspicuous by their absence on these occa-
sions, and of those who are induced to present themselves a large pro-
portion do so with a reluctance their best friends would hardly credit
them with,
and are of-
ten extra-
critical in
their notices
for fear of
displaying 1 BS
susceptibi. -
lity to undue / i h
influence. II
If the moo-
tives of the
ment are in-
nocent, they rteau n
still run the
stood, and
the evil is no less. Mrs. Conover has shown so distinctly in the intelligent
selection of her companies and the liberality and taste with which she has
mounted every piece under her management, that she is desirous of ob-
taminig success by honest and legitimate means, that I feel constrained
to point out that she is unfairly handicapping herself by indulging) by
no means without precedent) in a practice which otherwise I should
leave abler pens to combat.

THE ALHAMBRA.-Mr. F. C. Burnand's Black Eye'd Susan, with
all its Royalty memories upon its head, has been produced here in a
style well worthy of those memories. It is a piece which abounds in
genuine humour of both the delicate and rollicking sort-somewhat
injured, by the way, at one point by Mr. Roberts's characteristically
modern disrespect for the author's lines,-and divided into three acts,
and "brought up to date," seems a very much more "likely" piece for
the Alhambra than the clearness of its story and the slightness of its
scenic opportunities would at the first blush suggest. When the pres-
sure of the holidays has removed its influence from my space, I propose
returning to the subject more in detail; in the meantime I may give my
opinion that the ballets are brilliant, the music pretty fair, Mr. Roberts's
love-making excruciatingly funny and clever, Miss Mulholland's See-usan
scrumptious, genial, and expert in song, and now that William (Holland)
and his Susan are joined, nothing but success ought to follow the union
-and may it never be that the union follows their success.

THE STANDARD has been indulging in a Royal English Opera Com-
pany, and the ELEPHANT AND CASTLE in a holiday production of Uncle
Tom's Cabin, both with fair artistic success. The NORTH WOOLWICH
GARDENS have successfully indulged in a "Masquerade Garden Party
and Fancy Dress Ball," while at THE GRAND the Mlle. Beatrice Com-
pany opened on Bank Holiday with The Wages of Sin. The piece,
which has been played in London on several occasions, was received
with undiminished favour, and played, with few exceptions, by an un-
changed cast. Mr. Harvey is as painfully long-suffering and chivalrous
as ever, while Mr. J. C. Edwards is equally uncompromisingly the reverse.
Miss J. Coveny, in a subordinate part, exhibited unusual skill.

AUGUST 13, 1884.



Prologue.-" The most important exhibit at South Kensington con-
sists of two substantially-built houses of the ordinary middle-class type,
one being typical of the unsanitary
condition of our habitations, the
SANOU; other containing the most improved
DRAIN I appliances for the preservation of
health. The visitor enters
the unsanitary house first, and,
^r having traversed its three storeys,
having his attention directed to the
various defects, shown by clearly-
written labels, he crosses a bridge
thrown from the upper floor to the
sanitary house next door, where
his attention is in a similar way
drawn to the various perfected
S fittings exhibited. Mr. Rogers
Field explained to the company
S the principles of successful sanita-
Five minutes after.-The crowd
is dispersing from the Healtheries
with a determined expression on
its face. Although it is not yet
nearly the hour for closing, the
crowd is making straight for the
doors, and will not be :amused at
anything more. Policeman X has
made the most gallant efforts to
stem the current of departure, in-
viting the attention of the crowd
to rare and interesting -objects,
such as tins of preserved meat and
condensed milk; but his endeavours are of no avail.

Later.-The crowd is directing its steps straight to its residence. Its
eyes are turned neither to right nor left. It enters its habitation, and
confers solemnly with its wife.
Let us examine-let us go right into the matter and see what can
be done," it says. The crowd and his wife begin systematically at the
top. Here's the waste-pipe from the cistern going right into the
drains-just so," says the crowd. Here's the cistern in a place where
we can neither see nor get at it-exactly," says his wife. Here's the
bath with typhoid issuing from it-precisely," says the crowd. Here
are the walls covered with arsenic-as per schedule," says his wife.
" Here's the dusthole right in the middle of the kitchen-as quoted,"
says the crowd. And here are all the drains laid the wrong way, and
stopped up-as invoiced," says his wife. "Just stand away outside
with the children," says the crowd, arranging a tin of dynamite in the
Later.-A vast series of simultaneous explosions has just taken place
over the London area. As soon as the smoke clears away, one perceives
that London, as far as its private residences are concerned, no longer
exists. On the outskirts, millions of gipsy vans, myriads of rolled-up
tents, are proceeding to the heights of Hampstead and the bowers of
Epping. The crowd is setting out for its Bank Holiday.
Later.-Policeman X wanders over the deserted ruins of London,
solitarily awaiting the return of the holiday-makers. All around are
the remnants of porous and slack-baked bricks, defective drains, poison-
ous cisterns, malarious dustbins. The solitary constable amuses himself
in searching for the ruins of one sanitary dwelling : he traverses the
entire site of the metropolis, and fails. It grows dusk, but no sound of
returning revellers consoles the lonely officer's ear. One by one gleam
forth the camp-fires on the heights of Hampstead, of Wimbledon, of
Blackheath. Night comes on, and the lonely constable sits down and
sobs in his solitude.
On the heights of Hampstead the crowd and his wife give forth a
great sigh of relief.
It may rain on one's head and so on," says the crowd. "But it's
wholesome." "So it is," murmurs his wife; "and the children will
not have fevers." And they do not intend to try houses again until the
present race of builders is dead, which cannot happen too soon.

68 FUN. AUGUST 13, 1884.

NEW SERIES, No. 34. AIR--"Mrs. Brady's Daughter."
sandy, nice
and handy,
Sing whileit's
so hot,
IV. aShade and
shelter, helt-
i er-skelter,
Seek them
will you not?

at .. ha Streams in
which to
Scentof heath-
er, altoge-
s other
e soso (dDraughty sort
of house.
What a heat !
pulses beat !
feet, fly-
blown meat,
Moving fleet, indiscreet-oh, I never felt so hot before I
Take advice-lemon, ice, sugar, dice, claret, spice-
Stir it twice, ain't it nice ?-but I never felt so hot before I
Lib'rals active, hold attractive
Meeting in St. James's Hall,
Folks computing splendid shooting,
Answer to St. Grouse's call;
Mrs. Weldon, unexcelled 'un,
Makes a legal point at last;
Chol'ra raving mad behaving
Foreigners are all aghast.
What a heat I broiling street-such a treat shade to meet-
Fiercely greet, blanket, sheet-oh, I never felt so hot before !
Hear the wise I Coinage buys, wherein lies-soothing prize,
Thirst that dries quickly flies-but I never felt so hot before
Goodwood so-so (didn't go, so
Feel a little pleased at this)
The Markiss-Randy, now quite handy
Glovey seems to be-what bliss!
One O'Brien they've be thryin',
Got it warm in libel case,
O'B (know it) shouldn't go it,
Or you'll have to "kape the pace."
What a heat I I repeat-no conceit keeps us neat,
Button, pleat, quite a cheat-oh, I never felt so hot before !
Mighty Krupp I pangs that group, pup and tup, dry us up
Let us sup claret cup-oh, I never felt so hot before I
Steep-grade tramway (crash and jamway?)
Had another accident;
Osman Digna, neither big na
Small, believed on death was bent;
Federation in relation
To our Colonies and us
Some folks play with (none can say with
Quite unnecessary fuss).
What a heat (long for sleet). The elite (most discreet)
Now retreat-country seat-oh, they never smelt the Thames before
Heat and stinks !-Mr. Binks blandly thinks soothing drinks-!
Then he winks! Suck high jinks!-oh, I never felt so hot before!
Ships Canal Bill (no fal-lal Bill)
Once again thrown out we see;
Spite of grumbles sale of Wombwell's
Widely-famed menagerie.
Politicians, plebs, patricians-
Speechifying up and down,
Lies repeated, wdild and heated-
Goodness! let us rush from town.
W7at a heat! Country sweet, smell of peat, waving wheat,
Dickies tweat, muttons bleat---oh, I never was so hot before!
Tap a bin ('tain't a sin) dash of gin, cool and thin,
Suck it in with a grin-have I ever had a drink before?


On more than one Sunday morning before now has Miss Jessie Craigen stood
upon a seat in Primrose Hill Park, and held forth in impassioned language on the
wrongs of the working classes. In the prosaic language of the police-court,
this is defined as creating an obstruction," and the orator has been fined sums of
money. No longer, however, will Miss Craigen allow her sympathisers to
discharge the penalty, and she is determined to go to prison. If the magistrate
could have seen his way to make the term eight days instead of seven, so as to-
include two Sundays, the working man who likes to smoke his pipe in peace on
Sunday morning in Primrose Hill Park, would have been the more grateful to him."
-St. yames's Gazette,-[" Right !"-FUN.]
CHORUS OF INNOCENTS presentingg an address of congratulation to
GOOD NATURE). Hail, noble Abstract I We beg to humbly felicitate
you on the last perfect specimen you have produced. What a triumph
is yours! We congratulate you on your latest and worthiest pupil-
GooD NATURE. Eh ? I beg your pardon-what particular pupil do
you allude to?
CHORUS OF INNOCENTS. Why, to your Primrose Hill Park pupil,
of course-that example of the highest phase of self-forgetful good-
nature, which is content to give up its own leisure to please others.
GOOD NATURE. Ah, to be sure Oh, yes, I am very proud of my
Primrose Hill Park pupil.
FIRST WORKMAN. 'Ere, Joe; 'ere's a nice bright Sunday morning.
Let's go and enjoy our bit o' leisure, and have a quiet smoke in Prim-
rose Hill Park.
SECOND WORKMAN. Right you are. Here's a seat. Jolly pleasant
'ere, ain't it ? I do enjoy a hour or two in a quiet place like this ere-
hullo I who's that a-gittin' up on this 'ere seat, and a-kickin' up this
row ?
FIRST WORKMAN. I dunno, I'm sure. Wy, it's a young woman
a-bawlin' out something or other-a sermon, or a lecture, or something .
No it ain't-it's all about the downtrodden working' man," and the
"rights of labour," and "the son of toil crushed under the 'eel o
tyrannical tarskmarsters." I wish the young woman would go an' make
'er row somewhere else, instid of pickin' on the seat we wanted to be
quiet on, and collection' a crowd o' loafers all round.
SECOND WORKMAN. Well, so do I; but she do seem so anxious for
us to listen to 'er, that I s'pose it 'ud be unkind for to shift to another
seat, wouldn't it?
FIRST WORKMAN. Well, I s'pose one did ought to kinder give up
one's selfish hinjoyments for the good of others; so we'll jest 'umour
the young woman an' listen to 'er. P'ra'ps she can't git no amusement
enny other way, and we oughtn't to prevent 'er injoyin' 'er Sunday

FIRST WORKMAN (on every subsequent Sunday morning). Why, blest
if there ain't that young woman a-goin' at it again. If it's a-comin' to
this, blowed if I shan't fetch a pleeceman; it's too much of a good thing
if all one's Sunday mornings are to be-but there, I s'pose it's unkind to
interfere with 'er enjoyment I

SECOND WORKMAN. So it is, ain't it? Let's 'umour 'er.

CHORUS OF INNOCENTS. Why, Miss Good Nature, how is it you are
patting the head of that workman, instead of encouraging and applauding
this young lady who is standing on the seat and shouting?
GOOD NATURE. Eh? Well, to begin with, I have not the honour of
the young lady's acquaintance-
CHORUS OF INNOCENTS. Why, isn't she the pupil you are so proud
GOOD NATURE. Dear me, no I I was speaking of this workman.

THE London tailors will probably grow jealous now so miny of their
shooting customers have gone North, in the hope of getting good

(See Cartoon.)
HAVE ye not in memory kept
How, when out into the street
Hamelin's Pied Piper stept,
From his reed pass'd notes so sweet
That the children all came running,
Captivated by his cunning,
Follow'd at his heels, and then
Never more returned again ?
A spectacle like to that kind of thing
At Westminster now is happening;
The Piper there, thinking the time is ripe,
Tootles aloud on his festive pipe.
And at once there's a bustling and scrambling and hustling
To flee in hot haste from debate and its tussling,
Peers' shoes are pattering, Commons' boots clattering,
All of them blithely of holidays chattering,
Eager to show they at least have a smattering
Of yachting or sport,
Or pursuits of a sort
That are currently thought to supply health and pleasure
To overworked statesmen whene'er they get leisure.
But here the case grows different;
For while these children of Parliament
Dance over the hills and far away
Directly they hear the Piper play,
Though they go to the mountain or up to the moon,
They'll return to St. Stephen's-and that pretty soon.


.0 S\

~I\ /1"'


-- -

With apologies to Mr. R. Dunthorne, Publisher of Macbe


'l-known etching from the picture by the late G. y. Pinwell.


I(~I i1~


'f~~/ /
> /,



.. \\





DELIGHT of all outers on Bank-holidays,
0 Rollicking Ramsgate,-who'd not sing thy praise,
Who has in his voice even three valid notes,
And, like a true townsman, on sea-odours dotes?
Thou'rt not the least dainty, stuck up, circumspect,
Not a bit of stand offish, exclusive, select;
If, longing to visit thee, great wealth we lack,
For five bob you'll welcome us, then speed us back.

'Twere pleasant, no doubt, to be quite a rich swell,
And welcomed with bows at the Granville Hotel,
Have hot luncheons at one and big dinners at six,
And not with mere five-shilling visitors mix;
But, somehow, the swells, who have money galore,
Don't yet seem to have quite the best of thy shore,
Where the white cliff that's typic of Albion stands
And guards the bright stretch of thy child-belov'd sands.

There Alf and Jemima, like flowers in the sun,
Expand-and run over with boisterous fun;
For coker-nuts three sticks a penny there fling,
Take rides upon donkeys, and think 'tis the thing"
On shrilly tin whistles wild breakdowns to play,
To dance, shout, and sing all the long summer day-
A little more noisy and thirsty than elves,
Like people who're really enjoying theirselves."

You meet your greengrocer and butcher down there,
And never before knew how pleasant they were,"
How almost distingul is plump Mrs. Veal,
How near Mrs. Parsnip's to being genteel;
And, then, are the figures not pleasant to see
Of bright Mrs. Jacobs, dress'd gor-ge-ous-lie,
With three shining daughters, besides their papa,
All whiskers, and watch-chain, and fragrant cigar ?

Turn which way we will a benevolent eye,
Some source of enjoyment we're sure to espy;
For this not to give thee loud praises in song,
0 Rollicking Ramsgate, were flagrantly wrong!
With cash quantum suff and a liberal mind,
'Twill be our own fault if with thee we don't find
An outing as pleasant as pleasure can be,
And spirits as bright as the charm of thy sea.

AUGUST 13. 1884. F U N 73


---- .. = '

'TWAS the "Twelfth," and some cockney-bred shootists went forth But ere he could start, they let fly with much glee-
To pop" at the grouse on the moors in the North; Hoot awa I" gillie cried, dinna bang, or I'll dee !"
And one of the "gillies the shootists had hired 'Twas too late I And those shootists, deficient in nous,
Went forward to hustle the birds, as required. Hurt themselves and the gillie much more than the grouse !

KNICKNACKS. entertainment to parents and their immediate friends. After returning
"GERTRUDE, our baby Cornelius will be of a cringing, slavish dispo- to town, pater and mater delight these friends with numerous anecdotes
sition," said Horatio to his charming young wife, as they looked into the of lodgers' beds being packed with sand and jelly-fish, and their boots
cradle of their first-born. My mother being filled with salt water and seaweed, etc., by dear little Edwin and
says this is sure to be so, because he Charlotte, who are so full of animal spirits, you know I" Such lively
clutches with his thumbs turned in." descriptions generally finish up amidst triumphant roars of laughter, with
Turned in, indeed I I'll turn out It was never found out who did it, you know I" Now and again a
mother-in-law this very night," retorted bachelor lodger who has experienced the merry freaks of infants at the
the pretty little matron, and you are seaside listen to such recitals sadly; and the sound he is obliged to make
a cruel, horrid man I" After this things at intervals is a hollow mockery of mirth.
went very badly with Horatio, till, being
wise in his generation, he took his wife WE have a singularly retentive memory concerning misery we have
down to Margate, and gave her permis- undergone in childhood's anything but happy days. During that period
sion to have a waltz or two every evening of life we often doubted whether the spade and pail and pebble-throwing
at the Margate Marine Palace. Thusly pleasures of being at the seaside in any measure compensated for the
was harmony restored in an unhappy terror and torture we suffered by being taken shivering into the sea every
a family, morning, and forcibly ducked till weatherbeaten old guides were of
opinion that a sufficient quantity of salt water had found its way into our
PERSONALITIES are always risky luxu- eyes, ears, mouth, and system generally.
ries to indulge in unless most judiciously
manufactured and cooked. An "'Arry" A SAVANT suggests that fewer ships would collide at sea and telescope
discovered this truth to his sorrow, after each other up, if all sailors were provided with
unmercifully chaffing a nautical party at spectacles. Certainly we have experienced a vast
Margate. The mariner, having become number of marine accidents lately through the
annoyed at "'Arry's" personal witticisms, gross incompetency of seamen who sail in a blind-
seized him by the nose, and pulled at fold manner. Possibly if our little boy blues had
that organ as only a boatman in good training can pull. "What's barnacles attached to their figure heads, collisions
this ?-what's this ?" cried 'Arry's brother, as 'Arry screamed out with on the ocean-might not occur so frequently; but
pain, and writhed like a conger eel on a hook. Only a little haul by the use of glasses will not teach a man his business.
the seaman, an' a werry successful one too," retorted the nautical party. MEm. A collision between British ironclad is
BRIGHT burnished sunbeams glowed on sea and hill as a Herne Bay always followed by a collision between naval
BRIGHT burnished sunbeams glowed on sea and hill as a Herne Bay officers, and most erratic court-martial manoeuvres
visitor chappie took his fiance for a country walk. The chappie had are executed immediately afterwards, while Britons
put bright patent leather boots on to his somewhat large feet. Bright who "never, never, never will be slaves" have to
burnished blushes glowed on chappie's face, when a harsh-voiced joskin "pay the piper" fo r th e rass carelessness displayed
shouted, You be a-trespaarsin 'ere, young corn-trampler I We don't by p-goodness knows who. In some cases thedisplad rightly, in many the
waant no wheat threshed out yet a bit in this field." wrongly, charged prisoner is punished.

"DARLING, innocent little puss 1" said a fond mother on Ramsgate "BUSINESS is the salt of life." This maxim perhaps accounts for th
sands, gazing tenderly at her seven-year-old daughter. How she is BUSNSS is the salt of life. This maxim perhaps accounts for the
enjoying herself, to be sure!" The little lady, with an ingenuous mind, perpetual thirst city men are afflicted with in the Isle of Thanet just at
was experiencing pleasure by digging up small crabs and pulling them present.
slowly to pieces 1
THE ways of children at the seaside are frequently a source of great of the first day of grouse-shooting.

74 FUN. AUGUST 13, 1884.


'Twas a glorious summer's day Some anglers (of their craft the cream), And in their punts, with great delight,
When Nature wore her best array; Sought out a "swim" in Thames's stream. Those anglers waited for a "bite."

To see ten anglers in one spot
Appears like concord, does it not ?

But yet this nearness, as you'll note, For when, at length, a "nibble" came,
Bad feeling will at times promote; That "nibble" each one wished to claim.

ON Friday vich vas August ze 2, Lord Norfbrook inform ye Earl of
ze Ash vich burn 'em, zat ze sheep of var of ze Colony of Victoria are
not Australian muttons, quoique some of zem are rams. Mr. Gladstone
desire to press on Supply, and shut up shop as qvicker zan possible.
Mr. Newgate, who I use to sink man of peace, ask him in Martial's
vords vy, vit so great cry at ze end of ze session vich vas ze beginning,
zare is at ze ozzare end so leetle vool. Mr. MacR.T. regret zat ze Irish
Education Bill cannot come forvard zis session. I say qvite so; ven it
does I hope it vill teach young Ireland zat might-especially dyna-mite
-is not right.
Tuesday.-Lord Granville inform noble lords zat Lord Norfbrook,
vit his relation, vould proceed to Egypt as Tall Commissioner. Bonl
Ze best vay in Egypt to take ze bearings is to send ze Barings. In ze
House of Commons Mr. Gladstone say ditto, ditto; and as ze Conference
is like ze man zat valk on glass roof and has fallen tro, he ask vote of
credit for Z300,000 for expedition to relieve Gordon if necessary. Sir
Stafford reply in ze vords of ze von poet, Vy, certainly !" and in ze
vords of annozare, "For vy didn't you say so before?"
Vennisday.-Sir Norfcote desire to discuss Egyptian policy, vich he
sink discussing. Sir Dilke suggest zat in Supply to-morrow he can
discuss it on ze vote for Egyptian telegrams. I say Oui! it will be
electric current topic." It is so sultry zat yen ve go in Supply ze
Chairman of Means and Vays is Sir Otvay. On ze vote for Queen's
Colleges in Ireland, Mr. Parnell pitch into ze colleges at Cork and ozzare
places, but on a division he is bottle up, and ze corkscrew-I go say
Cork College screw, is allow.
Tursdays.-Ze ozzare day it vas ze Irish tenants zat reqvire help from
Government, to-day ze Earl of Longford say "Pity ze poor landlords,"

and ask for loans to zem. Lord Carlingford say he must leave ze matter
of ze loan alone. I vas use to zink it vas only old port vich vas crusty,
but in ze Commons Lord Newport is crusty vit Mr. Chamberlain for so
much pitching into ze House of noble lords. Good news from Gordon.

On the Hop Bitters, of Course.
A HAPPY New Midsummer! shouted the Duke of Batterboys' tenants,
as they met him on Fluffertbn Common to congratulate him upon a
return to his estate and health.
His Grace had been seriously deranged by amateur "slumming."
Perpetual dinners at communistic foreign restaurants, dinners consumed
by the Duke in order to detect dynamitards in their deadly plots against
the constitutions, and digestions of his native land had also caused a
variety of mental and bodily complaints to creep, crawl, and abide in
the perambulating patriotic ducal structure; for let it be known once
for all, that adulterated absinthe is not to be imbibed, decayed hArs-jfesh
d'uvres are not to be consumed, nor assassin's daggers to be swallowed
with impunity, even by a Peer of the Realm.
Tenantry I" exclaimed the Duke, with the energy of a lion break-
ing his tamer's ribs, "Tenantry! I attest I have done much for you.
I have slummedd,' I have 'grubbed' in a manner foreign to the aristo-
cratic British grenadier-I mean pioneer. I have suffered inconsequence;
but, like Czesar, 'I came,' 'I saw' (I felt), and I conquered' disease
by taking Hop Bitters.' If I have committed perjury by saying so, I
claim to be tried by my peers."
The eyes of the faithful retainers were more multiple than his Grace's,
and the satisfied glint and glimmer in them, told that for oncein his life
the Duke of Batterboys had spoken the truth.

AUGUST 13, 1884. FUN. 75

A CROWDED "SWIM "-(continued).

~>. ?->

One "struck"-that fish's gills to fix,
When suddenly arose a mix."

At last the struggling fish slipped through,
And took their tackle's wreckage too.

The rods and lines of all the lot And then occurred a general fight
Were in one tangled, hopeless knot. To settle who had had the bite."



Indeed, the anglers (stupid elves) Then, finding all their hopes were "bust,"
Had barely time to save themselves. They all went home in great disgust.

A Holiday Hash.
"Now then, Mr. Bard," said the Guv'nor (I mean my employer, old
"The season in London is closing, and folks whohave fairly-filled purses
Are off to the coast or the country, to bask in the rays of the sun.
So summon your mirthful muse, chappie, and give us some holiday
You know-' trees' and breeze,' seas,' and so on, and throw in a bit
on 'ozone,'
But let nothing that's deep or despondent your rhythmic effusion en-
Let your metaphors all be idyllic-in fact, truly rural' in tone-
For our Holiday Number I "
Now I entiree nous) was preparing a poem precise and profound
Upon sundry political problems and social affairs of the nation,
And I wept (sotto voce) at leaving a work so instructive and sound,
But to please him I put aside stanzas on which I had spent contempla-
Then straightway I set to preparing a kind of a holiday lay,
Some maritime metaphors choosing. I banished the sage and satiric,
And said, Gentle muse, would you kindly assist your wise Bard to be
For this holiday lyric?"

Anon I commenced :-" Mr. Neptune (for that's your cognomen, me-
With ecstasy, lo I we regard thee-that is, from the shore, mighty
Thy wavelets are restless, like Randolph-like him thou art prone to
high jinks,

Thou blockest our way, like to Warton-who joys in creating commo-
0, cliffs, thou art lofty in manner, and look'st with contempt on the sea
(As the Peers try to look upon Gladstone), but in rolls the tide,
growing rougher,
And soon (like the Will of the People) you 'II find it resistless to be,
And, like Peers, you will suffer I

"And see, o'er the face of the ocean, the seagulls careering around,
Like the Conference, soon they will vanish-like Northbrook, afar
will they wander;
And the youngsters sand-castles are building, which tumble ere long to
the ground-
Ah, do not Conservative projects resemble those sand-castles yonder ?
And behold I right away from the beach there are baa-lambs disporting
on meads,
Which are green (like the folks who trust Tories-who'd fain let
Reform measures slumber)
But stay I Muse, I fear that this mixture is hardly the lyric FUN needs
For his Holiday Number I"

PROFESSOR THOROLD ROGERS, in his article on the Peers in the
current number of the Fortnightly, refers to them as five hundred
accidents." If that be correct, we suppose we must not be too severe
on their Lordships, for accidents will happen, you know. Still, there
is such a thing as inspiring against accidents; so it is just as well to take
out a policy in order to protect ourselves from the Peers.

NOT MUCH GOOD FOR GROUSE,-The "Moor" of Venice.

S To CORRESPONDENTS.-ThA Editor doe not tind himself to acknowledge, return, or jay for Confmrtiona. In no cani will they be reltrnd untlu
accompanied by a stamped and directed nvihlohe.

AUGUST 13, 1884.

/- _a_ Lays of a Lover.

[ Tourist is in for it.

The Pied Piper of Hamelin.
ALL hail Macbeth, A.R.A. hail to thee 1 prince of etchers. Let
us congratulate you upon your earnestly manipulated and delicate ren-
dering of the late G. I. Pinwell's picture of "The Children-the Pied
Piper of Hamelin." Mr. Robert Macbeth's etching after the above well-
known work of Pinwell's gives us a beautiful delineation of the scene in
which the rat-charming piper, feeling justly irate at being swindled by
the Burgomaster of Hamelin, takes summary revenge on the citizens by
charming away their children with the strains of his seductive music.
We regard this etching as one of the most successful Mr. Macbeth
has produced hitherto; it is published by Mr. Dunthorne of Vigo

THE companion etching, Rats," will be published in the autumn.

OH, to be out of London now that no one 's here,
For who ever sleeps in London dreams each morning of a pier,
And a flowing sail, and a burnished sea,
And an azure sky that is not for me,
While my darling sings at the Seagul's bow
In Venice now.
For after Goodwood, when Cowes follows;
And the blue-blood leaves us like the swallows,
Hark I where the blooming flower-cart in the street
Leans neathh its weight and scatters for the drover
Petals and old clothes-'neath the bovine feet.
That's the harsh voice: that cries each ware twice over
Lest you should miss the purport of his jargon,
And this cheap matchless bargain.*
For though our streets are hot, and skies are blue,
The air is not so fresh as breathed by you;
The butterflies are thirsting for a.shower;
The milk of human kindness turning sour.
* ED.-". I myself could find a better rhyme I
That bard's a Browning; he neglects the form.
But, ah! the sense, ye gods, the weighty sense !"-Inm Album.

SIR,-Not much to write about this week, only look out
for my tip for the Leger. And who sent you absolute second
for all the principal Goodwood events? Need I say "'Twas
I "? I needn't-I feel I needn't. Anyway, you keep your
eye on Queen Adelaide for the event I've just alluded to, and
if she loses don't say it's my fault, that's all.
The man who'd say, "With Adelaide
The Prophet's made me lose my pelf,"
Were one of whom it might be said,
"He was an addle-head himself."
There is a pun in that quatrain, sir, so what more can you
expect this week from Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.

Who and Where ?
WHO are the Tories?" asks a paper-
To which we'd fain reply,
They're folks who indulge in many a caper,
Curious and sly.
And Where are the Tories?" asks Joe C.,
To which we answer, Up a tree I"

piers at the seaside.

FULL OF COMIC PICTURES. One Sidlling eack; fost-free, is. 2id.
"In which some amusing prose and verse serve as accompaniment to more than six score of very
amusing woodcuts, from grotesque drawings of animals by Ernest Griset."-weekly Disratch.
"' It is replete with wit and humour, and admirably suited for leisure reading."-Doncaster Gazette,
It is just the book for the holiday season."Sttnday Tines.
Rich In Illustrations and teeming with jokes."-Sportms.an
Admirably fitted to while away an hour or two of a tedious railway journey.
To be had of1ny Bookseller and Newsagent, at all Railway BolTestlls, antd at

Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves tka
addition of Starch. ae met r gene approbao Wrte s smoothly as a
lead encil, and neither scratch nor spurt, the points beln
PUREI!! LUBLE REFRESHIN9! debyn e po Si Pri e do lsawarded. Assort.ed
PURIM SEpe Box,6d.; post-free,7 stamps tothe Warke,Bir-ienriw=.


AUGUST 20, 1884. FU N. 77


A Trivial Tax.
"England is the only country in the world where taxation ot medicines is regarded
as a legitimate source of national revenue. By the Patent Medicine Act of 1812,
1i5o,ooo is thus contributed to the exchequer."-See Medical Papers.
WE can't be sure of anything-except of being taxed,
And that's a law which, I'm afraid, will not be soon relaxed.
We pay a tax for most things in this happy land, but still,
Perhaps, you're not aware we pay a tax for being ill I
We not only pay for physic, but what many think is worse,
The Stamp Act, passed in eighteen twelve, decrees we must disburse
A tax unto the Government for any drugs or pills,
Or patent medicines, we may use to try and soothe our ills.
And of course the manufacturers and vendors take good care
That the buyers of their nostrums all this honest tax shall bear;
But, luckily, some makers and some sellers are content
At clearing by this little tax three hundred, say, per cent.
Yet 'tis soothing for the invalid, 'mid all his pains and aches,
To know he sends his taxes up by every draught he takes;
'Tis comforting to know that if his sufferings do not cease,
The physic he's absorbing makes the revenue increase.
And so, to be in order, we suppose we must prepare
To pay a tax for sunshine, for the use of stars and air.
The fact that these are not yet taxed discloses something lax,
And walking, talking, sneezing, they respectively should tax.
They'll doubtless put a tax on love, 'tis time that that was done;
They'll also put a tax on mirth (which means a tax on FUN).
This wouldn't be surprising, since they're taxing our quinine--
For FUN'S a famous tonic-a specific for the spleen I
Perhaps they'll put a tax on bards, like Browning and myself
(Though, if they do, "yours truly will go quickly on the shelf);
But, lor I would you believe it ? People's hate's so ill-concealed
About this tax on physic-that they want that tax repealed!

A NEWSPAPER, referring to the exodus of the holiday-seekers from
town, says the cry is now en route.'" Quite so and very few people
have any route-d objection to the cry.


JONES. Hallo! Brown, old man! What's the matter? Why are
you huddling yourself up in this dark doorway as if hiding from justice?
BROWN. Well, that's exactly it. Hush I don't draw attention to me,
in the name of charity and friendship. You might just step a few yards
off and notice whether the tip of my nose is visible to that policeman
down the street. If he spots me I tremble to contemplate the conse-
JONES. Well, but, my dear fellow, you haven't committed any awful
crime which renders you liable to-- ?
BROWN. Oh, no I that's just it. It isn't exactly a criminal affair, but
I should have to pay such a lot, don't you see? and I'm rather hard up
just now, and I really couldn't afford it. By the way, though, you will
have to go halves with me now you're here-so that'll reduce it to
45o apiece and costs. Why, there are no less than fifty of 'em alto.
gether, in this street.
JONES. Fifty of 'em? Fifty of what ?
BROWN. Why, stray dogs.
JONES. Well, but what have you got to do with 'em ? They're not
your dogs, are they?
BROWN. Bless your innocence I what difference does that make ?
JONES. Well, but you can easily prove that they don't belong to you.
BROWN. Pooh-the other fellow proved that right enough.
JONES. What other fellow ?
BROWN. Why, the fellow down at Croydon Petty Sessions the other
day. He was summoned for keeping a dog without a license. He
proved that the dog didn't belong to him, but was found on his pre-
mises, but he had to pay 2 and costs all the same. So you see-fifty
stray dogs at 2 per dog, that's just 1oo, and costs. You 'll have to
pay fifty of it as you're here; but then I really can't well afford even
fifty. Wouldn't mind if I were flush, for the good of the revenue; but
just now-oh, I say, look I There are twenty man-servants coming
down the street. We shall have to pay on them too, I daresay. And
here are forty carriages coming-they'll be a fearful expense And
here are a lot of armorial bearings, and guns, and other licensable
articles. Let's make a wild bolt for it I

THE favourite kind of picture just now.-A Mo(o)rland.

VOL., XL.-NO. 1000.

78 FUN. AUGUST 20, 1884,

HE ALHAMBRA.-Having said that I
would "look in at this house again-
why, "what I says I stick to "-and
I have done it. Mr. Burnand's Black
Eyed See-usan (as he now calls it, but
where's the joke ? Why not plain
Susan? at least not plain Susan, but
pretty Susan), is more than ever, in my
,', |.J 1 opinion, a "likely" piece for its pre-
sent situation; but a second visit makes
S, plainer the fact that the attenuation of
the story by means of ballets, &c., is a
-' source of danger, though perhaps not a
I,.I',) very serious one. I don't think the
L--- -ballets incidental to the piece, by the
THE ALHAMBRA.-THE PRISONER way, are up to the Alhambra standard.
AT THE BAR-EL. The May-pole affair is very mild and
uninventive, and the dresses not at all pretty. There is liveliness and origi-
nality about the "Hornpipe and Broadsword Combat Dance" in the
last act, with Miss Rose Moncrieffat the head of it to give us a taste of
her admirable quality, but the Fair and Military Ballets saved from The
Beggar Student, between which Black Eyed See-usan (why See-usan ?-
so irritating 1) is Sandwiched (though, as you will amusingly say, it has
more to do with Deal than Sandwich), out-strip them and out-bril-
liance them by lengths. __

It takes some time to settle down to the cast : a goodly portion of it
comes from the music halls, and it is not easy to tell "where we are at
first. Has the Alhambra, we ask ourselves, returned to its old love,
and been re-converted into one of these shrines of song and cigars, dance
and drinks? And has the perky, quirky, and comical :Arthur Roberts
(in big black "caps.," as per programme), reverted to his late profes-
sion? But if so, what is Miss Lizzie Mulholland doing in a music hall ?
and is the age-cannot-wither-him Danvers coming out as a comique ? (a
good idea-in reference to his jig and the management having routed
him out to play his original part-" The Dancing Danvers, or the Hatley
that came so patly !") But ere long the truth dawns upon us-it is
soon clear that they are acting a "stage play," and no music hall, as we
all know, ever indulges in anything bearing ever so remote a likeness to
a stage play-we've often seen them not doing it !

It is a favourite maxim with a number of benevolent individuals that
the music halls are a sort of forcing bed for actors, and that there is a
large amount of sterling dramatic talent hiding its light under a bushel
there, which only requires a little encouragement to burst into histrionic
glory. I don't admit it. There are one or two genuine actors and
actresses (in its proper sense) on the music hall stage, but you can count
them on your fingers-I had almost said your thumbs, and I don't think
I should have been so far out if I had-and one or two of our cleverest
performers have commenced their careers amid pipes and potations, but
they have floated towards the stage more, I take it, because they found
themselves in an uncongenial atmosphere than for any other reason.

The benevolent individuals referred to are always very triumphant
about pantomime time and on occasions like this, pointing to the appear-
ance of music hall artists in the theatre bills as proof positive of their
theory. Is it ? Take the case in point. Miss Bessie Bonehill's William
is "iolly" enough, a look at her cheery pleasant face is a satisfaction in
itself, there's a freshness in
her bearing, too, and she
sings her songs (her special
province) with spirit and
Vf point; but when it w comes to
,"-i ? 1. .giving comic lines, and look-
l.' ing a natural part of a whole
S,2ifR'' when she has nothing else to
:,"' .'' '.: j. whencdo, where is she? Then
"' ':-f," 1 '.hI' Miss Kate Leamar-true she
S"-" ''''"4 has but a small part, but
",' .i. what will not "histrionic
*, talent" do with a small part ?
-who takes any notice of
.r,: her until she suddenly comes
"** t to the footlights and begins
THE ALHAMBRA.-THE LRE AND THE LEAMAR to sing a song with all the
-Two KATES PROVIDED BY MR. HOLLAND, archness and expression her
LATE PEOPLE'S KATERER." music hall training has taught
her ? (They are always arch
and full of expression, whatever the song may be.) Then there is a
sudden diving for programmes. I don't say that Miss Mulholland's
acting is much better; but it is at least as good, and the other two

ladies are the pick of their profession, it must be remembered, which is
a good enough profession in its way-only that's not an acting way.

Well, well, this is getting away from Black Eyed See-usan, perhaps
(why See-usan ?-very annoy-
ing !). I used to like plays
before I was a "noticer"-
perhaps I used to like them
better and enjoy them a good .
deal more before I attained '- -

and at one point of my career
I commenced to keep all my \
playbills. The very first ,
playbill I commenced to
keep was the old Royalty
bill of Black Eyed Susan
(not See-usan, then-so plea-
sant I). I have it before me
now, and it tells me many -
things. It tells me, among THE ALHAMBRA.-A RELIC OF THE PAST-
other things, that I am not HATLEY WELCOMED.
so young as I was eighteen
years ago, but I do not re-
quire documentary evidence of that. It is a long, backward-folded bill,
printed on flimsy paper with much ink and many large black letters (now
fading, and ornamented with a yellow halo round each), which proves
that I frequented the pit in the infantile days before I began to
"notice." On further reference to the document I find I must have
paid one shilling only for the accommodation, and if I had gone into the
stalls it would have cost me five, or into the dress circle three, that the
doors were opened at half-past six, performances commence at seven,"
and that the refreshment department was under the management of Mr.
Caldwell. Tempora mutantur!

I've noticed a good many references to Mr. Danvers, who gives us a
pale reflection of the past, as the sole survivor of the original cast. I
presume it means the sole survivor in the present cast, because there are
some other survivors around yet. There is one Charles Wyndham, who
was the original Hatchett; there is Mr. J. Russell, who played Doggrass ;
Miss Rosina Ranoe, who played William (with a pair of whiskers, by
the way), is, I have reason to believe, though no longer a Miss, still with
the minority. (Miss Annie Collinson, who succeeded her in the part, is
however among the missing.) I've some dim idea that Miss Ada Taylor
(the original Raker, "an I-deal Smuggler ") is legitimatising in the pro-
vinces, but I'm open to correction there. The original Dolly Mayflower
was married only the other day, and her name was Nelly Bromley.
What has become of Miss Annie Bourke, who played the postman (then
a burlesque on Boucicault's Shaun the Post), or whether Master Wright,
who played the telegraph clerk,
ever attained to eminence in his
profession, I do not know.
With all these reminiscences in
my brain, you may be sure that,
personally, I thoroughly enjoyed
Black Eyed See-usan (why See- /
usan ? Most provoking 1), the
necessary changes have been made
without violence, the Cham- o
pagne Charley" song (Roberts's
imitation's very funny) and the
pretty See-usan ditto (See-usan
all right here) being wisely -'
retained. I think Mr. Roberts's ( -. '\
Crosstree is even funnier than \-S
Dewar's with allth all the glamour of N
the past upon it; it is full of
quaint, unctuous humour, and he
has toned down the drunken scene
to the limits of very comical na-
ture. Miss Mulholland is a Susan :
whose musical education has been Q t -
far from neglected. Messrs.
Hodges, Honey, and Mudie dis- THE ALHAMBRA.-THE PARADOXICAL
play considerable comic powers, ON BOD T"
some of the latter's "business"
with Mr. Fred Storey is worth
watching. So is some of Miss Katie Lee's. She plays Gnatbrain, and
shows quite sufficient brain, and looks as gnatty-I mean natty-as you
please. Altogether, you won't find a brighter programme of its kind in
London just now. NESTOR.

AUGUST 20, 1884. FUN. 79

A Trill of the Temperature.
OH I go and be blowed, Mr. FUN I
You can't expect work from a poet,
When the sweltering, pitiless sun
Is inclined more than ever to "go it."
The thermometer's up to its larks,
And one doesn't quite know how to take 'em-
In the house, in the street, in the parks,
Each half-roasted person remarks
That, this summer's as hot as they make 'em."
Who's going to worry with rhymes,
When the once-fickle clime of this nation
Now emulates tropical climes,
In a way that forbids contemplation ?
Why, the thoughts of work make us perspire,
And therefore, we dread to awake 'em;
And so, you arouse a bard's ire,
When you say that you poems require-
In an August as hot as they make 'em I
Do you think you'll get people to read,
In the present fierce state of Apollo?
I would much rather slumber indeed,
Or skim o'er the sea like a swallow.
People lie in the shade on their backs,
Lest old Phcebus should frizzle and bake 'em,
At exertion they angry will wax-
So, our energy how can you tax,
When the summer's "as hot as they make 'em ?"
Why, the heat is as much of a block
To business, as Warton-or nearly;
And, like the Conservative flock,
The sun is just now acting queerly.
The trees are enduring distress,
For they haven't a zephyr to shake 'em,
The temperature's torrid-ah, yes I
'Tis as "warm as the fibs of Lord S.-
And they are as warm as they make 'em.
But, alas I lots are doomed, day by day,
To swelter in town at their labours;
In our walks we might find, I daresay,
Full many vacationless neighbours.
When the heat-waves cause people to frown,
Some can rush to the coast and forsake 'em
And there they can lounge and get brown ;
But thousands must toil on in town,
Though the summer's "as hot as they make 'em."


....... ... .. ..IR, The Ebor
Handicap will
-- claim your atten-
---- tion next week,
and I have the
straightest tip of
Small the season
waiting for it, so
look out for next
week's copy, my
boy, though I do
think it's hard on
AI I thegeneralpublic
and the noble
sportsmen who
1 ,1 ,,,,follow me that
you should get
the first chance
of the good
things I send in,
through your see-
ing them in MS.
more than a week
resulted in your
being raised to an affluence which induces you to look down on the
Prophet and to sneer at him as a "gin-drinker," wl-en he would only be

too happy to join you at champagne, if you were to so far forget yourself
as to kindly ask me. Well, well, the day may arrive when my end of
the sea-saw will be uppermost, and yours a-bumping the ground, and
then-and then, sir--! But no more of this. Let me in the spirit
(not in spirits, mark you) away to Stockton, and give my
It's a fact of the case
That this handicap race
Is a one that I do not know much about-much about;
So the fact I've let slip
That I'm writing its tip,
Has an impudent kind of a touch about-touch about.
But scratching apart,
By the aid of my art,
To which I'll make no further reference-reference,
As sure as I know,
I will pretty soon show
You which animal merits your preference-preference.
Mr. Bowes' Rip Van Wink-
Kle will suit you, I think,
Though Callander's more like to gratify-gratify;
But the Promise of May
Will attention repay,
And the utmost of promises ratify-ratify.
Mount Temple will take-
Something more than his stake
(A take that will not be felonious-lonious).
If the winner's not there,
I am dashed if I care!
So no more at present. TROPHONIUS-PHONIUS.

8o F UN.

(See remarks of an eminent authc


"Every time I draw myself a glass of water," said the householder, "there c


"I will track that fiend to his home," he cried, with much determination, "and show up whon
the Water Companies' intakes; but he did

"".e^ ( )-0 t 1...... ..," i- <

rity on water.)

nomes a fiend and pops a confounded microbe into it 1"

isoever it is that originates him 1" And he lay in wait forlthe fiend at
not find him there.

Then he tried to find him

'FU N.-AUGUST 20, 1884.



(See Cartoon.)
WHOSOEVER indulges in dips in the sea,
As a tonic or choice recreation,
Should at any rate make some endeavour to be
An adept in the art of natation.
For the mere fact of being just able to swim
Will strengthen the nerves of the shrinking;
And by keeping your head, when you've risked life and limb
In the ocean, may save you from sinking.
Whilst to swim like a fish on your breast or your back,
Or your side, of the roughest waves heedless,
Is for anyone clearly so useful a knack,
That to praise it is perfectly needless.
Now, if Egypt can learn how to keep well afloat
In the Mediterranean water,
Lord Northbrook will surely be welcome to gloat
On the fact that he went out and taught her.

For, if recent experience renders us wise,
Such a feat would be worthy of wonder,
Since she's shown less the cork's disposition to rise,
Than the bent of the stone to go: under.

AUGUST 20, 1884. FU N'. 83

"Some curiosity was excited in the neighbourhood of the Houses of Parliament
the other day by the arrival of a brass band playing the 'Dead March in Saul,' and
followed by a mourning coach containing half a dozen women with as many babies
It transpired that this was a demonstration against vaccination. The line was drawn
at the brass band, but the other members of the procession were admitted to the
outer Hall of the House of Commons, where they had an interview with Mr: Hop.
wood."-See Newssaers.
SMALL Pox was waiting outside in a state of feverish anxiety. I
I suppose they won't admit me?" he asked; "I fancy I could put my own
case better than anybody else, don't you see-iust let me pass in for a
I ain't got no orders to admit you yet," said the policeman, "but I
dessay it'll soon come to that, if you 'ave a little patience."
How are they getting on inside?" asked SMALL Pox of somebody
coming out; "have the ladies convinced Mr. Hopwood of my desirability
and advantageousness ? Stop a bit-I have an idea We might arrange a
deputation even more telling than that." And SMALL Pox trotted off,
engaged an omnibus, collected twelve persons in the habit of riding in
public conveyances while suffering from smallpox (finding them amongst
the first twenty-four he met) packed them into the omnibus, and conducted
them to the House of Commons, where they were cordially received and
at once admitted to an interview.
"Why, what's all this ?" exclaimed CHOLERA, who had been hanging
about and looking on. "I don't see why my friend SMALL Pox should
be backed up by such powerful influence while I'm to be unrepresented.
Here-Tom, Dick, Harry I"
At his call there came running up, with great alacrity, a whole host of
little microbes and mucores choleriferes, each answering to his name.
Here, jump into this van, all the lot of you-that's it, now hoist the
black flag on top. There-now you can drive straight into the House
of Commons; they can't in justice refuse us admittance when they've
done all this for the other fellows."
Here, this isn't fair I" cried CONSUMPTION. Here, all these
years they've been striving to discover my cause, with a view to stamping
me out, and now I find out they're encouraging SMALL Pox and CHO-
LERA I won't be stamped out if they aren't to be-why should I?"
Ah, why should any of us ? screamed all the other diseases, and
they set to work and got up a great Diseases Relief Demonstration, and
marched to the House; and what's more, they had to admit them.
"Why," said SMALL Pox, "when I called to thank those six women
for their kind and able advocacy of my cause, and to show my appre-
ciation by kissing the six babies, they actually told me that the demon-
stration was not intended to be exactly in my favour."
"The dooce it wasn't," said the other diseases, bursting into derisive
"No-it-he he 1-it was actually intended rather in opposition to
all diseases than--"
"WHAT !" shrieked the others, gasping for breath.
"Oh, well-so were our demonstrations, too He I he I it doesn't
much matter what you say they were for; they'll have the same effect."
(Left laughing.)

"Weather or no."
A CONTEMPORARY calls Lord R. Churchill a barometer.
Lord Randolph a barometer? That's likely, we declare,
For really Randy's policy's a changeable affair.
One moment he's set "fair" and dry,"
But soon a change you will descry;
And then he points to stormy"-not that many people care.

A TORY journal remarks that Conservatives have no great liking
for gigantic demonstrations as a means of settling political controversies.
Probably not-not when they are Liberal demonstrations, anyhow.

NEW SERIES, No. 35. AIR-"I'mi a dude."
HE Houses aic
up," and
the M.P. de-
To intensely
enjoy the re-
A I In the best of
good hearts
Fo for the coun-
S try he starts,
For a rest
So which is tho-
To various
towns he will
gaily repair,
And aAnd speechify
Di hall of them
Supporting his
|share (and
p'r'aps taking
the chair)
At a big demonstration or two.
An M.P. thus we see takes his rest in a singular fashion,
For his ease as one sees is all argument, worry, and passion;
Now offending his intending opponents and framing indictments,
Now exacting and retracting and other delightful excitements.
The Royal Yacht Squadron Regatta and such
Have flourished about with success,
They've a genial touch I admire very much,
And so I enjoy them, you'll guess.
The cricketing week down at Canterburee
Was wholly successful as well,
And Marriott, he, isn't pleased with his fee,
Did his pamphlet on Chamberlain sell ?
As one spots all the yachts while they're sailing away in the offing,
Our delight in the sight makes us wholly regardless of scoffing,
And though cricket can't lick it, why, that's jolly as well when you spy it,
But the fun's more when one writes a squib just to make money by it.
"Their Honours," the County Court bosses, henceforth,
Own Judge twixtt that term and their names;
The bobbies go forth, and in London-the north-
Are stopping burglarious games;
The Coracopsis vasa, I'm sorry to say,
Has departed this life at the Zoo,
And in Italy they have more brigands they say,
We're not going to see them-are you ?
That a "Judge" is all fudge as a title we're far from asserting,
And "cracked cribs and sprung ribs we regard as by no means diverting.
That poor Polly, though jolly for full fifty years, has departed,
Is saddish, but maddish are the folks who've for Italy started.
The Government steamer broke down on the Nile-
More chance of delay that affords;
The Liberals smile, and without any guile
Have met to abolish the Lords.
Some thunderous storms have been storming away,
The Tories at Manchester showed,
But how they will pay on "election-ing day,
If I know may I go and be-mowed I
So the stea-mer we see was unable to cope with the rapid,
And the Lib. (strong as Gib.) in his language on Lords isn't vapid.
Can one wonder if thunder after such a hot spell there arises?
But if Tories gain glories 'twill be one of the greatest surprises.
We see the Australians made a big score,
The biggest on record this year;
An earthquake they bore in America, more
Than we'd care to encounter, my dear;
And Boycott's "all there," out in Ireland, they say,
The Land Leaguer bites not, nor barks;
While "Frenchies" were gay, for at Versailles they
Were having the dooce's own larks.
Then, hoorar I though we are by the Colonists thoroughly beaten,
And alas I for the mass, though their lot may our sympathy sweeten,
Then the eager Land-Leaguer is displaying some signs of subsiding
But the "Frenchies" cross-benchies are mere matters for simply deriding.

84 FUN AUGUST 20, 1884.

CLEMENTINA and Algernon had only been married sixty-six hours
when a catastrophe occurred. On the third evening of the honeymoon,

tina remarked in her poetic little way,
Algernon, I think the most lovely
composition of art and nature, after
a well-dressed woman, is a well-
dressed- "'Man," interrupted
Algernon. "Crab," continued Cle-
mentina, utterly ignoring her youthful
husband's suggestion, and we will
have one for supper to-night." Alger-
non was not half as sympathetic as he
might have been when he got up at
five a.m. to fetch a doctor.

An artful old batchelor, lodging at
Margate, who has been much worried
by the practical jokes of children re-
siding in the apartments below him,
hit upon a capital device for checking
the festive ways of the little ones. He
purchased two cakes of Pears' glycerine
soap, cut them up into the size of jujubes, placed the tempting-looking
morsels upon his sitting-room table, left the door wide open, and went
out. The infants won't even pass by his door now if they can help it.

FOOD torture has been inflicted on the credulous human from a very
early date of mankind's existence by those sapient beings who profess to
know exactly what is best for our race to eat. We have suffered in
England, France, Germany, Switzerland, Belgium, Holland, and Austria
from the effects of having been compelled (through the pangs of hunger)
to swallow horrible compounds at railways stations; but the most terrible
anguish in dietetic matters we ever experienced was caused by our
attempting to gulp down a spoonful of souf made according to one of
Count Rumford's formulas. The recipe runs as follows:
Excellent soup for sixty-four persons."
5 lb. barley-meal, at xid. per lb., or 5s. 6d. per bushel 7Jd.
5 lb. Indian corn, at sid. per lb................. ........ 6 d.
4 red herrings......................... ......... ............... d.
Vinegar ............ ................... ........ .............. id.
Salt ................................................................. Id.
Pepper and sweet herbs............. .............. ............ 2d.
Is- 8Pd.
QUEENSLAND is being opened up rapidlyand surely. "Colonials"who
"get up country are making it patent to the original proprietors of the
soil, that intoxicating drinks are bad for both natives and pioneers,
simply by prohibiting the sale of alcoholic stimulants to aborigines, and
indulging to an inordinate extent in whisky and rum themselves. Such
conduct is both thoughtful and kindly, and should rejoice the heart of
Sir Wilfrid Lawson.

THE keeper of a saloon in Nevermindwhere Town, Queensland, was
recently charged before a magistrate with having unlawfully supplied a
bottle of rum to Mr. Tovacco, a native. It appeared Mr. Tovacco
had been afflicted with a dire thirst caused by eating a number of real
native oysters, and being invited by a friend named Tui Tonga, visited
the defendant's saloon, had more oysters, and then, to alleviate his pain
from want of drink, tendered five shillings to the defendant in exchange
for a bottle of rum. Thusly Mr. T. procured the very means of relieving
his sufferings he desired, and went off on his way merrily, arm-in-arm
with Tui Tonga. At the termination of proceedings the saloon keeper
did not leave the police court in a very gleeful manner, for he was fined
just thirty pounds, five shillings, and eightpence, through transacting the
above piece of business with Mr. Tovacco. There was a little loophole
left him to creep out of though, viz., an alternative of three months im-
prisonment, which he did not avail himself of.

THE other day we heard an innocent-looking Gaiety masher score
heavily against a foreign patriot in Wardour Street. The G. M. had
evidently wandered far out of his district, and was gaping at the pretty-
pretties in the shop windows with wonder, when suddenly he was con-
fronted by an elderly exiled nobleman, who had evidently not washed
since he left la belle France in early youth. The gallant Gaul suggested
that the Gaiety masher should purchase a meerschaum pipe which
originally belonged to the first Napoleon. "I don't want your rubbish,"
said the G. M. "Mafoi! this is insult; then you shall stand me vun
drinks," growled the count in disguise. "With pleasure," returned the
G. M. "Bon enfant!-vere and vat shall it be? asked the foreign
patriot, regaining his good humour. "Place? the chemist's opposite ;
refreshment, prussic acid," warbled the Gaiety masher with a serene smile.

AT Hertford, lately, two labourers quarrelled and fought, and the
beaten one, in order to revenge himself, set fire to the property of the
other's employer, causing a loss of ;63,000 to the employer, and getting
eight years' penal servitude for his own share. The party who had in-
curred the hatred remained much the same as before.
Here is the probable end of this affair, carefully planned upon the
same theory of revenge :-
The train was speeding on its nocturnal journey at some sixty miles an
hour. The two persons were alone in that first-class carriage. They
were strangers. Gradually the mild-looking curate became aware that
the dark stranger in the opposite corner was eying him with an orb that
gleamed with the fire of hate and fell purpose beneath his slouched
"Prepare I" said this person in a hoarse voice; "the hour of expia-
tion has arrived. You have but another five minutes to live." And, as
he spoke, he hooked a carriage clock on the back of the seat, and fixed
his gleaming eye steadily upon it.
But what purpose can prompt this terrible resolve ? asked the other
writing a short will in his pocket-book, and carefully parting his hair in
preparation for the coming doom.
"Revenge I was the stern response.
"But we are strangers-you have never set eyes on me before," urged
the victim,
"True," replied the dark stranger, producing a tin cannister from his
valise; but my best hat was sat upon and crushed by a man named
But I am not the man Smith I"
No; but he is a member of your congregation. Therefore I have
tracked you for seven years, and am now about to blow up you, this
train, and myself to wipe out the score."
"And how about Smith?"
He met his death in sitting upon my bat--but let me follow the
story from its commencement. The employer who lost the ;63,000, de-
termining on revenge, sought out a publican who had once supplied a
drink to the man who had fired his property. Watching his opportunity,
he grappled with the publican and hurled him from the cliff at Ramsgate.

They descended together, the avenger being powdered up, and the
victim escaping with seven broken teeth. The victimised publican then
mixed a bowl of poison and gave it to a picture-dealer, who had once
sold some things to the gentleman who had hurled him (the publican)
from the cliff. For this the publican got twenty years; while the pic-
ture-dealer was ill for a week. On recovering, he jumped from the top
of St. Paul's on to a doctor, who had once attended the publican who
had poisoned him, and succumbed from shock to the system, leaving the
doctor, with a broken collar-bone, to seek a mild revenge upon the hat
of an undertaker who had once sent a circular to the publican. The
doctor-Smith-sat upon that hat-my hat-on the railway line just as
an express was coming, and is now no more. The undertaker is myself.
If you survive, you can take your revenge for what I am about to do
upon my bootmaker-here is his address. At that moment a fearful
report closed the interview.

At this Stage.
A ROSEATE-HUED Conservative contemporary recently said, In a
day or two, to put it in theatrical phrase, the season closes at St.
Stephen's," and then went on to refer to the players and pieces of that
popular place of amusement."
This theatrical metaphor might be spun out
(And no one could grumble at that),
Though the Tories made many a "scene," without doubt,
They did not come in for much "fat."
Ah, most of their party are players," indeed,
Not workers (as often they brag)
And like some "low coms.," they their "lines" didn't heed.
But indulged in a rare lot of gag,"
Still, they will not shine much in the "tag" I

AUGUST 20, 1884. FUN. 85

Casts after the Antique.
"An interesting addition has just been made to the South Kensington JNi y
Museum in the shape of a collection of casts from the antique brought
together through the arduous labours of Mr. Walter Coupland Perry on
behalf of the Committee of Council on Education."
KIND fate at last has heard i
The poet's patient sighs,
And bids in one brave word, //
Kensington Pallas rise;
The old ideal dream
No more 'cross seas he'll seek,
Solid its shapes will beam
In casts from the antique.
Venus, Astarte, start
Once more to life herein,
Refine our heart, our art,
From bright brain to pure chin.
Show Anglo-Saxon girls
Another form of cheek,
Teach them to east sham curls,
O casts from the antique I!
Apollo, nobly nude,
Oh, bring to bear your bow
Upon the puny dude-
A bow that's bent, you know.
Show mashers how to use
In aid of poor and weak,
Stiff muscles, sturdy thews,
With casts from the antique.
Humbly, with many a twinge
Of conscience, we will lop
Off our old idiot fringe,
Garotting collars drop.
.eEsthetes will stand aghast,
E'en Randy will feel meek,
When modern eyes they cast
On casts from the antique.
Indeed, it seems to us,
However mildly tried,
The project's Perrylous AT THE "HEALTHERIES."
For all self-love and pride.
Their loveliness outlasts Enry.q "BUT, I SAY, THEY DON'T PUT IT IN THERE ERE BIG BARRELS
Fashion, and freak, and clique, AS A REGULAR THING, DO THEY ?"
And shy we'll eye those casts George (with contemft).-" WHAT D'YOU THINK THEY CALL IT LARGER
Or shies from the antique. BEER' FOR, THEN?

THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT. Vennisday.-Ze Lords read tvice ze Consolidated Firms Bill. Zey
say ze present volume even bettare zan ze last.
FRIDAYS, August 9. Ze feelings of Earl Harrowby are harrow by ze Sursday.-Prorogation. Verdict-much Hansard, little Statute.
Abolition of ze Proclamation against Vice at ze assizes. He seem to
sink it make ze vice versa-I go say more bad. Milor Forbes vant
to know vare Russia vill draw ze line in Afghanistan. He do not desire Thinning the Population.
vat he call ze alfgone boundary to be all gone. Sir Peel accuse ze "THnRE has been an alarming increase in the cases of small-pox within a half-mile
Secretary of ze Home of dirty trick; his brozzare call him over ze Vall- radius of the Hampstead Hospital. At the top of Fleet Road, opposite to the vacant
sends. VIa foi /alzo he vas Peel first and Espikare aftarevards, he is hospital grounds and gates, on bank-holiday and the following days, a piece of ground
Espikare first now, and if he voud not hang he vould for tree pins was used by the proprietor of merry-go-round," and thousands of people congregated
Espikar in Bio, an deud n hn he od fo around it and without let, hindrance, or warning from the authorities, were
suspend ze brozzare zat bored him. Enter ze Indian Budget, as zey thus brought within very measurable distance of the contagion. Old and young seem
say at ze svell veddings ven Her Majesty send ze shawl. to be attacked."-NVewscAaier.
Ze Grand Ole Man is somesink of ze drivare of niggares. Ve are IN consequence of the great success of the Hampstead experiment,
vorse off zan se City clerks, for, voila! ve lose ze half Saturday holiday. as above reported, it will be decided to try the thinning-off process at
I have often hear of ze tree mens of Bristol City zat took boat and vent otherholidayresortsnextyear. Forthefollowing,seenextyear'spapers:-
to sea. Von vas call, I recomember, Leetle Billie." Ze Big Billie take a "HIGH BEACH.-Bank Holiday passed off here with great success. In
See and go to Bristol viz it. Naturellement Mr. Monk support ze consequence of the high road being used as a range for heavy ordnance
Bishopric of Bristol Bill. Ze onlygrowl is from Mr. Caine. Sort of Cave practice, the fun waxed fast and furious. The way in which the shells
Cainem. cleared off the line of vehicles along the road gave rise to the liveliest
Mondays-Ze Lords pass Cholera Protection Bill. Ten sousand satisfaction, which reached its climax when one of the missiles burst in
diables /vat vill ve be protecting next. In the Commons inze Appropria- the middle of a merry-go-round in full swing."
tion Bill debate, Sir Volf show his fangs and accuse ze Premier of "CLAPHAM CoMMON.-The utilization of this expanse for the pur-
falsifying Egyptian papers. Sir Peel complain zat ze Baring appoint- pose of destroying quantities of dynamite taken from the Nationalists
meant have ze effect of bearing Stock. Mr. Gladstone object also to afforded great pleasure to those of the Bank HIoliday trippers who elected
stock accusations from Sir Norscote. to spend the day there. The pleasant excitement caused by constantly
Tuesdays.-Milor Milltown desire ze Government vill interpose to dodging the exploding charges, and heightened by an occasional whole-
prevent Italy from selling ze Propaganda. He don't say how much sale catastrophe, made the occasion one of great liveliness,
it is ze pound, and ven I ask him in ze lobby, he say sauce of ze goose At the end of the day the casualties amounted to about ten thou-
is not sauce for ze propaganda. Zare vare tree lords in ze House on ze sand, this being considered in every way satisfactory."
Appropriation Bill. Labby, demand vy, yen ve do so vell vit so little "THE THAMS.-From an early hour of the morning the loaded
lords, ve should have so much? Appropriation Bill in ze Commons. torpedo practice caused much merriment among the boating parties, the
Row between ze Child and ze Childers. I say to ze spoil Child, frequent sudden ascent into the air of a boatful of holiday-makers being
"Cher mon, Randy, you are ze best argument against heredity ze followed by general applause."
Radicals have got Pourquoi? Voilal you show how zat noblesse oblige The happy notion of giving the microbes a "day in the country"
does not run in blood, and alzo you are descended from dukes, you among the sightseers at the Crystal Palace had met with universal appro-
seem not to be able to rise to a gentlemans." bation from the public. And so forth.

4 To CORRESPONDENITS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no case will they be returned sales
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

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