THE PROPRIETORS) BY W. LAY,
153 FLEET STREET, E.C.
Q-6 713---f n
....... ....... .....
"Very extraordinary appearances we
are having in the skies!" said every-
body; "and here's another of 'em." -
But it could hardly be called "another
of 'em," either; it was quite beyond the
scope of the ordinary extraordinary, and _
the normally abnormal was nowhere in
the race with it. For some time before V__ -
Christmas there had been a series of -
sensational "appearances Annuals,- ;
Christmas Numbers, toy books, and --_- _
Editions de luxe-which had created a -
passing interest; but the demonstration
was to come.
Mr. TIME, an eye-witness, states:
"My attention was first attracted by a -
momentarily increasing glimmer upon-
the literary horizon in the direction of
Fleet Street. Streams of light then
began to shoot up over No. 153, chang-
ing from a tasteful pink to a most ele-
gant combination of eru, fraise-crasge,
and tilled, turned up with old gold.
To this selection succeeded an arrange-
ment ingris dej erle,1'lissi, withplastrons
of peacock blue; and then the whole
literary heavens were suddenly illumi-
nated with an intensity almost intolera-
ble, while the FuN Office stood out in
bold and beautiful relief against the
luminous background. In the very
nucleus of luminosity a balloon-like
form could be distinctly made out
through a smoked glass. On analysis,
the suffused refraction gave the follow-
ing spectrum:-'314 Xy-B'= 2 8 "
the period of totality closing firm with
a demand for bullion for the account,
and light breezes from the S.W., fol-
lowed by snow and cries of 'chair' from
the Ministerial benches. I may say
that I have been in the habit of taking
a walk down Fleet Street, but have _-
never before observed anything so
Mw~w.,~im.~rI A sA~AM
ALOE Trade (The), 3
And All Honour to Him, 64
Author's Insurance, 39
BANK Holiday Ballads, 60
Beauty Belligerent, x16
Beyond the Dreams of Avarice, 194
Billingsgate Topper (The), 203
Bitter Cry (The), 268
Blow to Benedick (A), 77
Blunderberrys at Breakfast (The), ox, 21,
50, 55, 65, 85, 97, 117, 131, I52, 195, 207,
British Born, 99
CANDIDATE (AW, 253
Can it Be? 175
Chambord Succession (The), 29
Classic Gods (The). 9
Columbian Evil One (The), 170
Confiding Simplicity, 20o
Conversations for the Times, 17, 34, 72, 95,
703, 126, 138, 159, 279, 192, 212, 222
Counter Leagues, 16n
Curling Championship, 39
DANGEROUS Damsel (A), 202
Definite Article (A), 223
Discourtesy to Diana, 224
Discovered at Last, 192
Disgusted Consciousness (The), 175
Dispensed With, 52
Doomed Dips, 0o5
Dots by the Way, 197, 227
Dreams of Youth, 87
ELATED Poster (The), 7t
Emigration Scheme, 213
Eve of Saint Grouse (The), 67
FARCICAL Comedy (A), 99
Feminine Flyers," 81r
Few Christmas Truths (A), 267
First Principles, 88
For the Public Amusement, 56
Four-tunate Find (A), 143
Further Glory, 232
GIRLS and Oysters, 267
Grand Old Old Marier (The), 124
Great Secesh (The), 2o
Guarantee of Safety (A), 201
HANDED Over, 49
Happier Fate (A), 83
Hardy Annuals, 269
High Art, '63
His Visit, 223
Hot Water, 255
How I Live Now, 249
How the Rich Live, 8, 18, 28, 40, 50, 72, 80
INTELLIGENT Foreigner, 7, 09, 23, 42, 49,
62, 73, 77, 94; On Billiards, 193
In Haste, 191
In the Interests of Science, 45
KNICKNACKS, 113, 120l, 32, 147, 36o, 8So,
192, 201, 202, 221, 233, 243, 253, 266,y275
LAYS of a Love', 139
L'Ennemi Fritz, 225
Liberal Assessment (A), 80o
London Dust-bin and Done it (The), o9g
"London Particular's" Protest (The), 207
Longish Expiation (A), 22X
Looking out the Navy, 94
Look Out 1 255
Lopping the Limitless, 233
MARCH of Civilization, 238
Markets (The), 162
Mock Tory Ballad, 232
Money Muddled, 27t
More Trade Depression, 75
Mossoo and the Heathen Chinee, 119
Mossoo's Indictment, 84
Most Gratifying, 13
NOTHING Unusual, 16o
Not a Novel Narrative, 264
Not a Plain Cook, 165
OCTAVIUS EBENEZER POTTS, 165, 213,
Old Songs Reset, 43, 163
Opportunity (An), i2o
Our Extra Special and His Automatic
Game, 0og; And the Marquis Tseng,
227: In Tonquin, 143; At Pekin. 173 ;
With Mr. Irving, 202 ; Himself Again,
215 ; Arranges some more American
Trips, 249; At a Swimming Match, 965
Our Poet Peer, 249
Our Saints, 8i
PARNELLITE Ode to His Party (A), 95
Pathetic Protest (A), 149
Patriot's Prize, 267
Postponed Manifestoes, 131
Protest from the Peers (A), 239
Prototype (The), I15
READING-ROOM Outrage (The), 172
Reprehensible Reception (A), 158
Roadside Philosophy, 194
SALISBURY Houses, 203
Saved from their Sires, 245
Slashes and Puffs, 2, i2, 22, 32, 44, 55, 66,
76, 86, 98, no8. 118, 130, 742, 152, 164,
S 74, 184, 196, 2o6, 216, 26, 238, 248, 258,
Slipped on Society, 1o5
Society Sempstresses, 23
So Late 1 92
Something in the Air, 212
Somewhat Handicapped, 41
Song for Christmas (A), 259
Specialist Exhibition (A), 7
Statesman and Farmer, 19
Strike in the Iron Trade (The), 27
Such an Improvement, 139
Syrens and Sylphs at the Oxford, 183
TEA and Trot, 18r
Terrorist (The), 243
Terrors of Tea. 171
That Puzzling Premier, 138
Thespian Argument, 128
Those Testimonials, 148
To the Westminster Walrus, 169
Turf Cuttings, 7, 13, 31, 45, 55, 74, 84. 94,
104, 107, 127, it', 153, 163, 18, 217, 235,
UNIVERSITY Hurons, 115
VERY Like a Wail, 223
Virtue Gone Wrong (A), 229
WADDINGTON'S Woes, 51
Warbles of the Week, 9, 17, 27, 34, 49, 56,
67, 8i, 88, 1o3, 113, 126, 138, 148, 159.
170, 179, 1 222, 234, 244, 254, 266, 275
Weird Warble (A), 43
Whale (A), 71
Winter Warning (A), r96
A Bumper," 269
ACT of Benevolence (An 46
Another Vagary, 33
Apropos Remark (An), 127
At Newmarket, 171
At the Cat Show, 185
Au Revoir, 161
Autumn Leaves, I5o
BAD Coin (A), 4
" Bake" (A), 245
Behind the Scenes, 237
Boy who Didn't Know Too Much (The), o;
Bursts of Charity, 272
"By the Turn of the Wheel," 162
(CAM)PAI(G)NFUL Joke, 39
Carol of a Collar (A), 128
Cat Show (The), 171
Christmas Echoes, 271
Clincher (A), 55
Clothes (close) of the Fisheries, 185
Commons at Coverside, 239
Cut it Short, 224
Crabbed Youth and Age, 131
DAYS of Rest, 235
De Gustibus, etc., n15
Depression in Trade (The), 256
Drawing the Line, 249
ECHOES '--om the Cricket Field, 42
Enfant Terrible, o09
Evicted Twins (The), 128
Exigencies of the Future, 250
Ex-sell-ent Likeness, 77
Extraordinary Phenomena, I5s
FEMININE Casuistry, 8r
First-Class Idea (A), 65
Fishery Exhibition (A), 21
Fowlish Thrick (A), 99
Friend and Patron (A), 78
"Fun" at Football, 246
FUN's Festive Fancies, 257
Further Reve'ations, 240
Game of Draughts, 26o
Glass of Fashion, 217
Going in a Buster, 203
Good Boy (The), 51
Grave Consideration (A), 182
HAIR Cutting in London, 208
Hair Cutting in London Again, 218
Hanging Fire, 6t
Highland Daring, 097
Highly Explanatory, 228
Hint for Everybody (A), 03
Household Removal Demon (The), 186
ICE Idea (An), 172
Illustration (An), 45
In Baker Street, o07
JUST to Please Him, i4
LAWN Tennis Items, 52
"Let" and Hindrance, 143
Little Pitchers, etc., 1x9
Lord Mayor and Sunday Observances
Low v High, 149
MANTLE-"Piece" (A), io6
Masher at the Seaside, x
Mechanical Masher (The), o05
Missus-Understanding (A), 215
NATURAL History, 225
Nazel's Conk-quest, 204
"No Flat," 247
Not a Peerless Pun, 20
Notes at Covent Garden, 202
Not their Enemy, 3
On his Corn, 107
On the Moors, 73
Only Another Effect, etc 75
Only Haven (Th-), 044
Only Time he Trembled (The), 31
Opening of the Halls of Dazzling Light,
etc. (The), 094
Our Cattle Show, 255
Overhead Wires, 236
PARCELS Post (The), 63
Paying the Piper, 169
Pleasant for Him, 97
Positive Benefit to the Country (A), 43
"Potting' Him, 161
Praiseworthy Act (A), x3
Protigd? (A), 137
Puffing his Weed, 87
QUITE a Misunderstanding ot Course, 227
Quite Two Thin, 255
RACEY Notion (A), 267
Rack-Renter's Dream (The), 245
Rather Cool, 154
Rather High on the Rector, 2x3
Rather Mixed, 85
Reason for Everything (A). 23
Recreations of Eminent Persons, 239
Reminiscence of the Lord Mayor's Show
Row in the Mayor's Nest (The), 153
SEASIDE Sketches, 53
Season of Fogs (The), 214
Short Cut (A), 83
Smart Return (A), 29
Soft Answer (A), zo
Some Shop Window Sketches, 195
Sort for Them, t10
Spooning v. Sailing, 163
Staffy on the Stump, 165
Story about an Umbrella, etc., 268
TAKING a Rise out cf Grand-dad, 265
Tale front Crab(be) (A), 96
That Craze, 68
That Land Question, 166, 176
That's Th'irue, 74
Timely Help, 14t
"Touch up "(A), 41
True Blue, 173
Turning the "' Tap, 139
UNINTENTIONAL Confession (A), 9
United Service, 183
VESTRY.MNF and Victuals, 193
WAITY Question (A), 276
Waste Not in Dreams. 67
What sha3l we do with Our Girls, 140
Whistling Mania (The), 223
Wimbledon Whims, 30
Without Counting the Cost, too
A MERRY Christmas 262
Alfred the Great, 273
Canalist and the Shipowner (The), 219
City Fowler (The), 199
Clearing the Way, 209
Conservative Army (The), 145
" Far from the Madding Crowd," 122
False Prophet (The), 241
French and Engli-h, 36
Gay Deceiver (A,) 177
Holiday Time, int
Just Go'ng to begin !! 134
Land 1 Land 1 79
Masher Candidate of the Future (The), z5
"Move On!" 188
Off for the Holidays, 90
Our Own Masher, 58
Out of Collar, 1or
Parcel for Posterity (A), 69
Pulling Different Ways, 251
Rejected; or, the Jilted Maiden, 5
Speakership, etc. (The), 230
Spoiling his Little Game, 156
Westminster Wimbledon, 25
JULY 4, 1883. FU N .I
.___ _- I
..... __ ._ _
I"AI-'" _i.hed Fi', as he settled himself don in h. easiest arm chair,
nd l ghted a Iragrant v'eed, a1h hat a cross-grained ,ontiad. ctious Er ._-
-,Pubi' it i- always gru~mblir,, Nothing in the paper.," No news,' E Ener -
thing h it a. ditch-water !' et surel: the caterers do their best.
B But it is an unsatiable B. P.," he moaned: perhaps the Corrupt Pratice,
Bill hasn't Ibngered long enough about the House of Common; t, satisy it;
po..siblv it will not admit that Louise Michel h-is lust made a riartt r of her-
self for it. special amusement: as hkIely as not it doesn't believe that the
Channel Tunnel and Railway \entilator witneses appear merely to e,,ite it-
diffi-,allt-to-tiikle risible faculties, while it receives the assertion of '. G alli,
.journalist that "the Tunquin expedition has been undertaken by the French
for charit','s .ake, to afford the B. P. opportunities o1 writing to the r- ....
and venting it-. ,pleen, during the gigantic gooseberry 'eason,' with scoptirc
corn. Pooh!' it tesuly mutters, they know how mar' TI.N,4uiN bean
Ah !" continued FUN ungrateful B. P., that never real,.es how gentle
Carey the informer struggles still to astonish it, how d,.interested bigwigs
write cheap articles upon cheap hish entirely for its advantage, and anti- ac- --
cInation dabblers use bottles of ink and reams of paper in order to enlighten
it-no! the B. P. ~s lost to all sense of thanks. Salvation Army Riot' ,
"IShocking Neglect of Children,'" Insane Desire on the part of a Working
lMen's Assocation to open the British Museum in the Fenirg.' all such items
uf journalistic ness are saasted on t.
"Let me see, though," chuckled the Jester, as he suddenly dashed into Fleet Street, mounted his charger,
and thrust his pen through a poster "there is one thing not likely to be thrown away upon the B. P., namely,
THE THIRTY-EIGHTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES OF 'FUN.'"
VOL. XXXVIII.-NO. 947.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
-- HOUGH Mr. Bruce cannot be said to
Shave been exactly over-fortunate in his
S. management of the Adelphi, he is at
any rate showing Pluck; when that
fails him, let us hope it may be only to
S-l t the extent of its initial letter, and that
he may have a lengthy run of the re-
S. sidue. Allowing for the different size
'of the stages, the piece is "put on"
'' with quite as much completeness in its
.. new home as in its birthplace, and the
cast is in many respects superior. Miss
Kate Pattison, who has just returned to
I i"us "over the big drink," brings re-
finement and grace into the regions of
SLANE YOUTH." melodrama, where they are strangers
DRURY LANE.- "YOUTH." somewhat, and where they are very
welcome. Mr. G. W. Anson's Bevis
Marks, Mr. W. R. Sutherland's Jack, Mr. A. C. Lilly's Maitland, and
Mr. Lyons' Keene, are all performances of more than average merit, and
are much relished,
while the "effects"
-the railway acci- .,
the snowstorm, and i,
"as per usual," with ic
Cast Adrift, a nau-
tical melodrama quite
of the old school, by
Messrs. R. Palgrave
and F. Gover, is now
running at the Sur-
rey. Its sailors and ,
seafaring men talk as ,
unlike sailors and THE LYCEur .-"A MOURNING PERFORMANCE OF0
seafaringmen asstage CHARLES I."
sailors and seafaring
men are wont to do, and are received with accustomed popular approval.
There is nothing particularly new in the piece, nothing so old as to call
for violent denunciation, and
lots of excitement-a mutiny
among them. The acting is
quite up to the requirements
of the kind of piece, Messrs.
MacIntyre and C. H. Ste.
phenson rising a little above
I i I it, perhaps.
S Passion andPrinciple, an.
other melodrama-the melo-
w dramatic season is in full
swing just now-produced
some little while ago at Sad-
ler's Wells, possesses one
scene (the Thames Embank-
THE OLv.~ar .-" THE QUEENS FAVOURITE." ment by night, an elaborate
and carefully managed snow
scene of real beauty, with a mechanical change to the open river) which
would do credit to a theatre of much higher pretensions. The story,
without being startlingly
new, has more claim to be
considered original than i--
many pieces of the class-a 4
class rather conspicuous for
plagiarism and lack of origin.
nality-and is worked out x
with some appearance of
practical stage knowledge.".'
Mr. E. N. Hallows and Mr. L-2
George Stretton (the latter ''
emancipated from the thralls
of villany for the nonce)
work hard and with good
success, and the remainder
of the company back them
up fairly well. THE COURT.-" THE DARNY CHEFS."
It will be an elaborate and probably effective costume which Mr.
Frank Millet is designing for Miss Mary Anderson. The lady is to ap-
pear at the Lyceum soon after Mr. Irving vacates, and the costume (for
Galatea in Mr. W. S. Gilbert's Pygmalion and Galatea) will, by means
of artful weights and cunning
'.. attachments to the body, be
SO.r?. "\ made to resemble the stiffness
7- l and rigidity presented by the
I .. robes of statuary (when they
i' \ .- indulge in them). If Miss An.
'. derson's acting prove as com.
L | plete as her dress she will do,
Si' and we may be inclined to thank
> ". America for lending us the lady,
i and when she goes, exclaim,
THE ST. JAMES'S.-" IMPULSE." "Good I Anderson other."
It is understood that La Princesse aux Canaries will appear in an
English dress at the Avenue when M. Marius and Miss Florence St.
John return from their six months' tour in the provinces. There is no
doubt of the lady's capability of representing anything in the "'songster "
line-she ought to be named "the Flo of song," in fact. So we will
wish them a successful tour and a quickretour, awaiting the latter with
To-morrow (Thursday) afternoon and evening Mr. J. L. Toole takes
a benefit at the Folly, before departing on tour; Mr. Irving and Miss
Ellen Terry will assist," so that a bumper at parting is certain, and
need not be wished-though we do so heartily, all the same.
A bright future is in store for Messrs. Holt and Wilmot's New Grand
Theatre, at Islington-at least, A Bright Future is the name of the
piece (by Mr. Sefton Parry) with which that house is to open-as at pre-
sent arranged, on the Saturday before the next Bank Holiday.
The author of Fa-
thoms Deep, Mr. John c'
B. Cleve, provides --
the New Sadler's
Wells with its Bank
Holiday piece, for
which he promises i'i
"a novel and start-
ling sensation scene"
-which I take Cleve ',
to look upon as
doubtful; but we
shall see-at least, I
Here is a poem- -'
a thoughtful little '
thing of my own-
simple, but full of THE SURREY.-" CAST ADRIFT.'
The actors of Britain, when visiting France,
Will "do" all the theatres steadily ;
The actors of Gaul, when on England they chance,
Reciprocate freely and readily.
This feeling in artists is pleasing to see;
But that isn't all I 've to say for it:
The Gaul gets his seat in the theatre free,
The Briton's expected to pay for it 1
This is one of those things they "manage better in France.
Willie Edouin's "Sparks"
will commence "flashing
'''"" around" at the Avenue on
lk the i6th, in one of those
I ,, curious American medley
affairs, like Fun on the
SBristol, called Bink's Photo-
X g gaph Gallery. The thing is
L i pretty sure to be amusing
-I in its way, and result in a
i:' growing and not Edouin-
Mr. S. Alport, Mr.
S-- Thorne's courteous and
obliging acting manager,
NEW SADLER'S WELLS.-" PASSION AND takes his benefit this (Wed-
PRINCIPAL." nesday) evening at the
Vaudeville. The Rivals,
with all the gathered attraction of a more than two hundred nights' run,
will fill the bill, and if all Mr. Alport's friends go they will fill the
theatre twice over. NESTOR.
JULY 4 1883.
JULY 4, 883. F 3
The Aloe Trade. ----
In Mauritius they have gone in very extensively for the cultivation
of the aloe. The aloe fibre companies are in high glee because their pro-
duction has fetched the highest price in the London market, namely, 646
to -48 per ton."-Budget.
MYSTICAL plant or flower-
How does one name you?-
So trade's debasing power
Must claim and shame you ?
Link you with hides and hops,
Guano and tallow;
Talk of your leaves as crops "-
Mystical aloe I
Poets had dreamed they knew
What your rare scent meant;
Poets had seen in you
Their fate's presentment;
Seeking with toil and tears
Joys short and shallow-
Once in a hundred years
You blossom, aloe.
Roses are gone, we know;
Lilies, who 're prouder,
Men, who don't pluck but mow,
Make into powder.
Violets yield a dye,
Even like mallow;
But we deemed you too high,
Rare blooming aloe.
Ah, trader! use your powers
On our poor fancies;
Take away all our flowers,
Heartsease and pansies.
But this should blunt your shears
And your prey hollow :
It takes a hundred years
To swell an aloe.
R. A. R-A-ngements.
IN "The Ides of March," by Poynter, now on view at the
A comet warns J. Caesar that he'11 troubled be ere long;
And various art critics note that comet with dismay,
Declaring Poynter seems inclined to com-et rather strong.
But the picture as a striking one all visitors should hail,
For it serves "to Poynter moral and adorn a (comet's) tail."
NOT THEIR ENEMY.
Dissolute Iibernian.-" WHY DON'T OI GO TO WURRUK, IS IT ? SURE,
IT 'S A PATHRIOT OI AM; AN' IS IT MYSELF THAT 'UD BE AFTER
WURRUKIN' TO HELP KAPE THE SAXON? NOT A BIT AV IT! WUDN'T
YE ADVOISE ME TO GO TO AMERIKEY, NOW?"
Industrious Hibernian.-"WELL, I DON'T KNOW THAT I WOULD,
MICKEY. I DON'T OWE THE YANKEES ANY GRUDGE, D' YE SEE ?"
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
WELL, for my part," said Mrs. Blunderberry, turning the piper in-
side out, and dipping a corner into the milk-jug; "for my part, I think
for a Bishop to bet Mr. Bradlaugh's friend a thousand pounds on a silly
game like that is perfectly horrible. Whatever is the Church coming to ?"
"And what sort of game do you think those two have been playing
for such high stakes?" asked Mr. Blunderberry grimly; and the wife of
his bosom, with a gentle beam through her tearful eyes, answered gaily,
"Oh, I know their game quite well. We used to call it 'What is
my thought like?' and somebody thought of something, and somebody
said it was like a pump, or a pair of braces, or the Channel Tunnel; you
know it didn't matter a bit what you said-"
"I should think not," interjaculated Mr. Blunderberry.
And if it was like it," continued the good lady, waxing eloquent at
the memory of her youthful sports; well, of course if it was like it,
then you won, and if it wasn't like it, then you lost; but I never played
for a thousand pounds-never-only sugarplums." And Mrs. Blunder-
berry shook her head mournfully over her dry toast in silent lament at
the loss of golden opportunities.
Mr. Blunderberry, who was in a specially good humour, only grunted
and helped himself to an egg. I believe," said he presently, I really
do believe there is something in this Thought-reading, after all."
Oh, there's a great deal in it when you come to know the game,"
chimed in Mrs. Blunderberry.
Mrs. B.," said her lord and master, anger gathering upon" his brow,
"if you were only supplied with a mouthpiece and a coil of wire I would
let you out by the week, month, or year as a self-acting telephone. The
number of words that pass through you in the course of the day, without
making any impression on what you are pleased to consider your intelli.
gence, is little short of miraculous; and hang me if I don't take out a
patent for you 1"
"I'm sure, dear, I'm very sorry if I have said anything you don't
like. Come, Solomon "-and she playfully patted the bald place on the
top of his head with the sugar-tongs-" come, Solomon, let us have a
game at What is my thought like?' "
"Mrs. Blunderberry, in the sacred cause of science, and not for the
gaping wonder of the frivolous, I request you will be good enough to
take possession of this bank-note."
"Oh, how good you are I cried his wife, throwing herself bodily
upon him, and pecking at his chin and cheek indiscriminately.
Not to keep, woman-not to keep," shouted her husband. I just
Want to see if I can't read the number blindfold." And as he spoke he
tied a handkerchief about his eyes, and catching his wife's hand in his
own, pressed it with a frantic eagerness to his forehead. The first's
a five," said he.
"No, it isn't," she cried quickly.
"There I If that ain't just like a woman, spoiling a scientific experi-
ment. What did you want to tell me for? It's me-me, Solomon
Blunderberry-who is doing this trick, not you. The next is a seven."
Mrs. Blunderberry held her peace.
"I tell you it's a seven, or an eight, or a three," continued her lord
and master. "Well? Can't you say I 'm right or I 'm wrong ? "
"It is an eight," said Mrs. Blunderberry timidly.
"Then why in the name of patience couldn't you say so ? How am
I to do this mental feat unless I meet with encouragement, eh ? Tell me
that, Mrs. Blunderberry. And, by Jove I there's the 'bus coming down
the road." And he seized his hat, and brushed it the wrong way in
his hurry. "Anyhow, you will remember, Mrs. Blunderberry, that I
was right in one of the numbers." And he scurried from the house and
down the garden.
"And he's left the note behind, after all," soliloquized Mrs. Blunder-
berry. "It's an ill wind that blows nobody good."
A BAD COIN.
It began life badly, did that half-crown. It was mean and degraded enough to allow itself to lie as a decoy in the plate of the coat woman at a theatre where all fees
A little later it joined a little disreputable band of other half-crowns belonging to a purse trick man, and continually pretended to drop into a purse to be sold to some
natural for a shilling. After this the descent to actual crime was easy. It got into an. American editor's box, and devoted itself to the Irish-American Crime Fund.
'li~ '.' i.^ ~i L AM^ ,; .- = .:
,IrN ILWA Y
FUJN.-JULY 4, I883.
REJECTED; OR, THE JILTED MAIDEN.
"LEAVE ME ALONE, OR I'LL TELL MY MA,
OH I WHAT A WICKED YOUNG MAN YOU ARE."
[Dance, and Exit till Next Year.
REJECTED; OR, THE JILTED MAIDEN.
OH, the Bishop and the Maiden can't agree;
A Deceased Wife's Sister she:
Whilst repelling her advances
And avoiding her sly glances,
Very shocked at her behaviour is he.
But the Maiden doesn't greatly seem to mind
That the Bishop won't be kind,
For, however much she shocks him,
Still she wheedles and she mocks him,
And pretends his indignation is a blind.
And however much he tries to turn away,
She declines to take his nay,
But keeps gaily round him skipping,
Till he's driven into tripping
To the measure which accompanies her play.
His antipathy thus modified in tone,
Such a change may soon be shown,
When they know each other better,
That he'll actually let her
Be his chaplain's wife, or even, perhaps, his own.
JULY 4 I1883. FTU N. 7
A SPECIALIST EXHIBITION.
S.. /' I v -
LET 's seek-one shilling gains admission-
The Almond-Toffee Exhibition;
They're useful, everybody knows,
These strictly specialistic shows.-
All articles that we shall see
Elucidate in some degree,
Throw light upon, or somehow aid
The Almond-Toffee-making trade.
For instance, here we're face to face
With silk umbrellas in a case;
And next our searching eye we fix
Upon a row of walking-sticks;
And now a lengthened halt we make
Before a patent railway break,
And much attention also grant
A Bessemer converting plant;
There also dawns upon us soon
A navigating fire-balloon;
And there some roller skates; and here
An automatic steering gear;
And we perceive, delighted, now
A group of workers showing how
To cut, collect, and dry your hay,
And store it, by a patent way;
And here's a patent draught to make
The soundest tooth-begin to ache;
And here's a very useful hint
For dying chilblains (any tint);
And what with tumblers, Midgets, Changs,
And savage clubs, and boomerangs,
And spermaceti, hides, and wheat,
The exhibition's most complete.
And- what? These do not seem to touch
On Almond- Toftee very much ? "
Why, what confounded nonsense I-pooh I
They show 'em-so of course they do.
Why, take umbrellas-say you go
To buy yourself some toffy. Lo,
It rains like mad; to save your skin,
The gampp comes naturally in.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-I said in my last I shall give a full tip for the Northumber-
land Plate ii my next," but I didn't say whether "my next" would
appear before or after the race was run. It appears after-this is my
next, and my tip is
"Place your chips on Barcaldine,
Don't neglect old Shrewsburee;
Then, with Havock in the line,
You will spot the one-two-three."
And if that isn't the straight tip, may you live to be a hundred-and I
can call down no worse thing upon my head than that. Here is my
TIP FOR THE CUMBERLAND PLATE.
Oh, the Prophet's rather muddled in his venerable pate,
And all about the winner of the Cumberland its Plate.
He has an eye on Shrewsbury, and any bet would take,
But Shrewsbury is looked upon as something of a cake.
Then Havock ought to play himself with all who reach the scratch
While Coelebs isn't likely, I should say, to meet his match;
And Ishmael, decidedly, the Prophet's choice had been,
But he's looked upon Mermaiden, she whose chance is all Syrene.
Then soft reflection, whispering suggestively to him,
How many individuals considered "in the swim,"
Enjoying an immunity apparently complete,
From buffettings of fortune often suffer a defeat I
He pauses for a moment, by Abana's chances stayed,
And feels inclined to link himself to Lady Adelaide;
But thinks of Nelson at the Nile, a famous victory "
Yet plumps for Tertius, giving thus the only winning three.
And so I hope to make my pile, and pay you that wretched fiver you
say 1.O.U.-that is, I owe you, of course-then perhaps I shall have a
little peace. TROPHONIU9.
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT.
,, ,,, N ze Lords on Sursday, le
S\ '"' 22me yuin, ze noble lords
S, give noble velcome to ze
S"ley and Alcester. Ye cor-
prendre pourquoi ze Radi-
'.. \cals say ze Lords are behind
ze times; c'est, fasce qu'ils
ont conser'i flkonneur,
I vich is ver much behind
S ze Radical clock. Voila!
Ze Duke of Marlborough
z'k /demand for vy vas not zare
I a boy near ze Hen and
e Chickens? Ven I demand
of him un few plus tard at
--- / .t.. vat vas he driving, he say
e y / l'affaire Lively. I reply
S*. ',i- it vould vraiment be lively
"'" for ze Hen and Chickens.
In ze Commons zey are
encore on ze Bill of Sir
James. I enqvire of Sir James for vy is ze House like ze German Army?
He say, no idea, and I dig him in ze vaistcoats and say it is because it
go in so much for Krupp Practice, and, toute suite, I hook my sling.
Friday.-Milor Born Sell read ze tvice ze Bill of ze Pawnbrokare.
Sans doute it require "duplicate" reading, mais, je crois! ze brokares
of pawns vill not ovare zair bittaire biere "pledge ze Lor' Chancellor.
Sir Cross in ze Commons desire to know vy ze Home Secretary vas ze
not at Home Secretary to ze people who live Peckham Rye, and object
to treason and atheism at zeir doorsteps on Sundays? Sir Harcourt is
ennsuye of Peckhams. It is no wonder zare is so much stump speech at
Peckhams; ze Rye vas it not always famous for ze donkeys? More
Monday.-Ze two Houses are in committee. Ze Lords on ze Bill of ze
Vife vichis Deceased's Sistare; ze Commons on ze Corrupt Practices Bill.
Lord Beauchamp say, ven ve liquor up, que c'est le minme chose-it is
Corrupt Practice in bose House.
Tuesday.-Ze noble Lords discuss ze Standing Orders of ze Railvay
Companies. Pour quoi, do zey not considare ze railvay standing disorder?
C'est A dire, ven zey make tventy people stand in ze von carriage built for
ze esqvare dozen. Milor Hartington tell us in ze Commons ze row at
ze Curragh was nozzink but a trifling accurraghence. Encore ze Bill of
Corrupt Practice. Mafoi ve do not make much hay vile ze sun of ze
Session shine-zare is too much chaff.
Vennisday.-Ze Bills of Mr. Anderson zat zose who do not pay up
sail not be lock up, and ze Scotch Banks (pfet itre ze Banks of Doon)
Sursday.-Ze "noble" (?) lords turn round, right about-no, wrong
about-face, and reject, zat is, turn out, zare Deceased Vife Sistare Bill
after all-vife sistare go away, come again annozzare day.
THE military men who recently went in for rioting in Ireland cannot
well be accused of cowardice. They were all Curragh-ageous persons.
A GOOD SUBJECT FOR SPOUTERS" TO ORATE UPON.-The Pawn.
ADVICE to those who have as a "hobby" a second Suez Canal.-
HOW TO TREAT A PARLIAMENTARY "DE-BATE NOIRE."-Talk it
8 FUN. TULY 4. [883.
H 0 W7 T H E R I C H LIVE :" with my sisters to a teameeting : the event was signalized, I remember,
by my purchasing on my way home several sheets of figures prepared by
By SHINY SEAMS AND HAL 'LOW the late Mr. Skelt. I mention this because this chapter is to be all
CHAPTER about a T meeting, which I thought at first must have some family
CHAPTER III. connection with the former of these two matters, but which I subse-
IT has already been hinted in these papers that the great bugbear of quently found to have far more to do with the latter, for my Skelt pur.
the rich is the necessity of being in fashion. There is nothing exem- chase was my first introduction to the mysteries of the drama to which I
plifies more strikingly the am now a prolific and suc-
life-long struggle to which cessful contributor, and the
these unfortunates are born stands s imply for "theatri-ng
than the matter of lodgings. stands simply for theatre
Society has no recognition A T" meeting is held
for the man who cannot T mes hd
blazon i., or at least under the auspices of some
"S.W.," upon his note- influential manager, who,
paper and visiting cards. in pursuance of the fashion
But the fashionable locality, able craze, has been inun-
is limited, while the de. dated with applications for
mands upon its space arend engagements and hire of the
not. The result of this is a theatre from the wealthy
system of furnished lodg- and proud, and has deter-
ings, chambers, "flats," mined to clear them off with
&c., by which whole fami- one tremendous effort. Few
lies are crowded under one persons who know nothing
roof, and people herd to- about it can form any idea
gather like the occupants of the indignities the rich
of the ark. Exorbitant have to suffer under the cir-
prices are demanded and cumstances. The theatre
readily paid for these re- is a national benefit. I am
fuges, for it is well known meone of its staunchest sup-
that for one such place there porters, and it returns the
cants only too eager to fashion declares for "going
snap it up on any terms. on the stage," there is no
t is thethe custom to de denying that it is hard on
ounce the rich as frivo. p/orthe rich. They have no
ousd; and not being rich s choice, remember.
myself, I do not deny it. A "T" MEETING. But, silence, and let us
The rich are, you must re- ring up"-ting -on a
member, under three great necessities-of occupying time, of spending "T meeting. The manager is discovered" seated at his table with
money, of being in fashion. tb Can you wonder, then, that the milliners, a book before him, in which the names of applicants are entered. At
jewellers, the theatre, the ball-room, the flower-show, and so on, are one side of the table sits his acting manager, the gentlemen standing
crowded? There is occupation, fashion, expense, to the full. round the room are the various candidates' theatrical agents. The
But this pursuit of fashion-the grim necessity of the rich-is a terrible candidates come in one by one; but my companion has drawn them all
evil. Home duties and ties (also collars and shirts), are all forgotten. present at once, so that you may miss none of them. "We" are some.
Child (as we have seen in our first paper) is neglected by mother, hus- where in the group-where may be discovered only after strenuous effort.
band by wife, second cousin by grandmother, and uncle by deceased Here is a stout dowager duchess, who wants to give a matinee.
wife's sister. I should like the theatre next Thursday. I intend playing Romeo
Here is the home of a noted "fashionabless." Mrs. Auflan Egan's and oliet and a farce, with two songs and a recitation between the
room is easily entered. The footman (with whom we are acquainted) acts. I should wish you to make all arrangements for flowers; there
announces us, and Mrs. Egan, who of course knows very few of her will be five bouquets and three baskets for myself, three bo -"
friends by sight, supposing us on her visiting list, receives us warmly. "But, your Grace," interposes the manager, several times attempting
To my polite question, "Why the deuce she leads such a life?" she re- to break in upon her volubility unsuccessfully. The manager is tender-
plies readily and fully, I"Ah I we were quiet enough people once, living hearted, it pains him very much, but the theatre is engaged, and he has
on our place in the country; but of course we had our house in town, no alternative but to disappoint her. Speechlessly agonized, she de-
and our boy got among the fashionables, and we lost sight of him alto- parts. It is a curious figure that takes her place. "Why, McMouther "
gether. It was so lonely with- exclaims th ee manager; "what
out him that I plunged into do you want?"
fashion myself to drown me- "Well, sir, I think 't is very
mory; I haven't thought ser- hard," replies McMouther in his
ously or gone to bed till next deepest voice, "that I, who 'e
Morning for years, and my hus- worked for y a ears and earned.
I band has followed my example My meed of praise and glowing
from desperation." notices. Should be in my old
T his story is true. Had these age debarred. From earning .
fruitful source of evil, "the town mouthing earls and lisping coun-
i o house," the first misfortune that tesses. Who've never served
sent them wrong might never thepro.'s apprenticeship." (Ande
have happened. This is the the rich have to bear this !) The O
case with thousands, manager points out that, whereas
And where is your son countesses, etc., have only taken
Snow?" I ask. to the stage within the last year
"Oh, he's on the stage, I or so, McMouther has been out
A think," she answers. s wI fancy of an engagement from his youth. i
I saw his name among a number "'Tis solely owing," he re-
of others at the bottom of some plies, "to enmity of grossest
programme or other." This kind. To enmity of OnlyJones."
A 5O0VTHF-R'S THAR, reply brings me to the subject~of But he is hustled out, making A PRO-POSER.
my next chapter. way for a very pretty girl with
two children. "No, sir," she
CHAPTER lV. says, in answer to the manager's question, "I can't act myself, but we
YEARS ago, when I was a not particularly good little boy, I once went thought of posing as a photographic group for the shop windowo"
JULY 4 1883. FUN. 9
The Classic Gods.
IT's shocking to think of the riotous ways
That Ignorance causes wherever it strays;
What different manners we have to expect
When national teaching has had its effect.
A mortal, though made of the likeliest stuff,
Without education is simply a rough,
And, whether inclined to complain or rejoice,
Expresses his views at the top of his voice.
He goes to the play with his boisterous laugh;
He treats the performers to underbred chaff;
He revels in personal comments; he jeers;
He loudly proposes, and executes, cheers.
He makes his behaviour disgracefully free
With persons in better positions than he,
And rallies his betters, and chaffs the select
Without the most shadowy trace of respect.
But algebra renders one's epithets choice,
And plane trigonometry lowers the voice,
And dactyls demolish irreverence, while
Hexameters alter the laugh to a smile;
And if, as a graceful addition to that,
You cover the head with a mortar-board hat,
And wear on the shoulders a little black gown,
The space for improvement is greatly cut down.
So let the unlettered who honestly crave
To see how the tutored at Oxford behave,
Be present, when next the Encmania falls,
Within the Sheldonian Theatre's walls.
And when on a future occasion they may
Form one of the gods in the home of the play,
Let 'em copy the choice academical air-
And Allah forbid we should chance to be there 1
IT is reported that the Whigs have left the Cobden Club
in a body. What a Whig-ged proceeding I The club must
be in an exceedingly bald state, we fear, now that it has not AN UNINTENTIONAL CONFESSION.
a W(h)ig to call ifs own. Young Lady (&propos 0o Old Party's complaints).-" HAD ANOTHER AT.
TACK, HAVE YOU AND WHERE DOES IT MOST AFFECT YOU?"
Old Party (rather given to tifpling).-"OH I IT'S ALL IN THE HEAD
THE "WORK OF THE MINT."-To be sauce to lamb. AND LEGS, LADY-ALL IN THE HEAD AND LEGS."
WARBLES OF THE WEEK. The Military Show at
SUITED TO THE AIRS OUR FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES. Old Islington was great;
A Congress has a go at
No. i.-A SONG WHICH GOES-EVERYBODY KNOWS WITHER. The Fisheries of late;
AIR-" led a lass, a fair one." The Mansion House has, too, some Irigh lace on view-
AIR-" love a la, a fair one." A thing for them to crow at-falero, lero, loo I
UCH storms and Louise Michel has "copped it"
earthquakes For half a dozen years;
scare one, The "Sister Bill," they've stopped it
So violent Again, as it appears,-
they 've been; They will continue to oppose its passing through,
She 's home It's surely time they dropped it-falero, lero, loo I
rare one, The 'Varsities at cricket,
71 Her Majesty To harshly judge were rash,
the Queen; Upon a fatal wicket
I'd praise her The Oxford went to smash;
greatly, too, For sending paupers to America we'll rue,
but what's a It's not at all the ticket-falero, lero, loo I
chap to do? .
They never try Away in Damietta
to "square" They've cholera, we've fears,
Sone-Falero, Our harvest hopes are betta
lero, loo I Than they have been for years;
---- And dynamite is, too, a.fading from the view,
The Festival of Which suits us to the letta-falero, lero, loo I
Has been a big In Greece the Prince of Waley
success; Would like a School of Art;
The "ventilator" scandal While Putney Bridge is daily
Is getting in a mess- A-sliding more apart;
There are some parties who defend them, so they do; They've tried to mend it, too, with tacks and bits of glue;
But each must be a Vandal-falero, lero, loo I But still it wobbles gaily-falero, lero, loo I
STo CORRESPONDNTLS.-Th Edilor does ,ol Had h smsel] o knowledge, v urn,, or J4y for Contriutions. In no cae will tey be returned unless
acomfisasied by a stiam ed and directed eksvlooe.
JULY 4, 1883,
A SOFT ANSWER.
Fair Horsewoman predisposedd to lecture).-" BETTING, SMOKING, AND BILLIARDS I WHAT DREADFUL HABITS YOU MEN GO IN FOR I"
Cousin Jack.-" NOT SO DAMAGING AS YOUR HABIT, LADY Loo. IT'S PERFECTLY KILLING." [Lscture adjourned.
A (Ma)-Koko-nut to Crack.
( With the Editor's apologies to the Public.)
STRANGE news from the Congo has just been disclosed,
That the natives Makoko, their king, have deposed;
And our bard dares to send us what he calls a joke (oh 1)
"It is plain to the merest observer," says he,
"That the mention of Congo suggests making tea,
But those natives do not seem inclined to Mak(e)-koko I"
Bribe-beery and Corruption.
MR. LABOUCHERE, writing on the Corrupt Practices Bill in a daily
paper, says, "Since the Ballot Act, beer, indeed, has become a more
frequent and a far more insidious form of bribery than money." But
surely the giving of beer to voters could be severely punished, almost,
indeed, as though it were an assault, for would it not come under the
head of mal(t)" treating" ? Under these circumstances all electors should
henceforth become Local (H)op-shunners.
A DAILY paper says The Bankruptcy Bill has been disposed of."
We wonder how much it fetched, and who was the purchaser ?
"Eighteen Months' Imprisonment," by D. S., illustrated by Wallis
Mackay (George Routledge and Sons,)-Eighteen months 1-and quite
enough too-perhaps more than our readers would care to undergo. The
book-we take the author's word for it-" has no pretension to literary
merit." Still, it may be read with interest.
"The Bachelor's Own Book; or, the Progress of Mr. Lambkin"
(David Bruce and Son, Glasgow).-This is a reprint of a set of highly
humorous etchings by the late George Cruikshank, first published forty
years ago. They are excellent examples of the work and talent of the
Two Blue Shoes valse, by Mrs. Foster Barham (Mutrie and Sons).
Just the sort of music to which "slippers" may safely and faultlessly
make a valse step.
"Mailed," English words by Henry S. Leigh; music by Ferdinand
Gumbert; No Name and Over the Water," both humorous songs,
words and music by Henry S. Leigh (W. J. Wilcox and Co.). Leigh's
part in these songs show all his peculiar power of producing easy,
flowing, and humorous verse, and that his faculty for composing
equally flowing and appropriate music was scarcely less. The songs
possess additional interest in being almost the last of his works, having
been published within a month of his lamented death.
nSD The Original and only
U17 9^ Geuoune produces delicious
IS -Custards without Eggs, at I e Cad b u ryh
6d. end n.
on receipt of cu Havemetnigevwapprooato^.Wts oo5,s lp, it proves the ad-
Work containing Practical Hints and Original Recipes to ou anprc ScPrizMed
Tasty Dishes for the Dinner and Supper Table. SampltBox.da; pot.SreePstanpsetotheBVorsa,riwadid PUREIIj SOLUBLEII REFRE8HINO Ill
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and"Published (for the Proprietors) byW. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 4th, 1883.
JULY II, 1883. F UN .
THE MASHER AT THE SEASIDE.
First Boatman.-" WHAT'S THIS 'ERE COMING ALONG, BILL?"
SecondBoatman.-" DUNNO. WOT'S HE GOT ROUND HIS NECK TOO?"
Third Boatman (contemptuously).-" OH I I RECKON THAT'S A SUMMAT TO KEEP HIS 'EAD UP ABOVE WATER."
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST. "Mrs. Blunderberry," said her husband with solemn impressiveness,
"No fish this morning?" said Mr. Blunderberry aggressively, as he "you have fathomed a dark and deadly secret. I was at Greenwich
tossed a piece of bacon with his fork upon the dish, and scowled re- last week. I am a member of that caucus-ian mystery which strikes
proachfully at his better half. terror into the heart of the average Englishwoman. Listen! Next Fifth
"No more fish enters this house," replied Mrs. B., with a greater of November you will see me-if you dare to breathe another word upon
display of courage than was usual with her. "The harm fish does, no- the subject-carried through the streets of London, a mask upon my
body knows." face, a bundle of matches in one hand, and a lantern in the other. You
Mrs. Blunderberry, if you only had a row of capital letters down are the saviour of your country, Mrs. B. You only want a Britannia
the back, and another up the front of your dress, you might make a metal dish-cover from your pebble brooch to your waist-belt, and a tin
first-rate double acrostic; but as a domestic riddle I give you up. In saucepan over your fringe, to be a second Joan of Arc. A butter-knife
the name of the South Kensington Exhibition and the Westminster and a ferocious expression would fit you up complete as another Char
Aquarium, what fish do you mean?" lotte Corday."
Greenwich I" sobbed Mrs. Blunderberry hysterically. "Oh, Solomon I" wept Mrs. Blunderberry, crying gently into the
"What do you know about Greenwich ?" asked her lord and master marmalade; "then it is indeed worse than I thought-more terrible
rather uneasily, conscious that two days before, when he was detained even than the papers said. There were women there I Oh, Solomon I!
by important business in the City," he had enjoyed himself very plea- And by the style of costume you describe-actresses I I I wish I had
santly at The Snip." Have they refused to pass you for lieutenant never seen you! Grin-in-in-idge white-bub-bub-bait duck-uck-ling-
at the Naval College? Has the Astronomer Royal declined to. admit and creatures Ugh I you ought to be ashamed of yourself I "
you into the Observatory as a heavenly body ?: If your head were only "Mrs. Blunderberry, were it not that you have really found out some-
bright enough, and your train only long enough, you 'e sufficiently thing, you ought to have been a female detective. Fitted on a brass
erratic to be a comet." stand, you would only need a magnifying lense to be an extra-power mi-
"Whitebait-whitebait, Solomon!" sobbed Mrs. Blunderberry croscope. A bottle of ink and a ream of foolscap would fix you as the
putting mustard in her tea and sugar on her bacon. "I found the bill editor of a society journal. You know too much, Mrs. B,,-but, as it
in your waistcoat-pocket, and you know what whitebait leads to." is possible sometimes to instruct even the best informed, I will take you
"Cold punch," murmured Mr Blunderberry guiltily. down to Greenwich next Sunday, and you shall see for yourself the
"It leads to Gladstone, Mr. Blunderberry; it leads to Chamberlain; 'depth of iniquity to be found in a fish dinner."
it leads to the Thingummy Club, and upsetting the Queen and her "How good-how noble you are, Solomon I"
throne, and taking away everything from everybody, and giving it to "I am," said Mr. Blunderberry, as he put on his hat. It is the
somebody else. To think at your time of life you should join those best way out of it,-' he soliloquized as he trotted down the garden path.
hor;id men who want to overturn us all I am not going to have that dinner thrown in my face every day fur a
". Stuff and nonsense, Mrs. Blunderberry I 'What do you take mne for ? week."
I never was a Whig." "There'll be no occasion for me to speak to Chamberlain," said Mrs.
"I know you never wear a wig, dear; but goodness knows what you Blunderberry to herself, and I can wear my blue bonnet with crushed
may come to if you-you go in for whitebait and-and revolution'."- strawberry trimming."
VOL, ),XVIII;--I O. 94&
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HE motive for the revival of The Flowers or
the Forest at the Globe is not far to seek.
Miss Harriet Jay having made a striking
impression by her delightfully spontaneous
and fresh performance of the Eton Boy in
Lady Clare, it was but natural that she
k should look around for a somewhat similar
a pa t. In selecting Lemuel, the gipsy boy,
in Buckstone's old play, she would seem de-
sirous of proving herself possessed of stronger
powers than those sufficient to meet the
demands of airy comedy. The part makes
%A. strong demands upon its exponent, and it is
no less than due to Miss Jay to say that she
comes through the ordeal very well indeed.
The great scene where the boy, having con.
fessed the murder, is dragged off by Cynthia,
THE STANDARD.-" HUE was played with an intensity which left no.
MAN-AT-TA! thing to be desired; indeed, this scene was
so excellently played by all three ladies
concerned-Miss Jay, Miss Clara Jecks, and Miss Ada Murray-as to
rouse into genuine enthusiasm a house grown languid over a many-scened,
defectively cast, and ill stage-managed piece.
The piece as it stands has not the slightest chance, I should say, of
proving permanently, or even for a short space, attractive. In spite of
its well-conceived plot and clever situations, the old-fashioned nature of
its dialogue, and the myriad scenes of its dreadful construction, are dead
weights which there is no struggling against. Its humour is none the
worse for being old-fashioned, though the modern interpolations stand
out conspicuously, like new patches on an old garment, but its criminal
procedure has all the
wild originality pecu- -
liar to the stage.
With a very little skil.
ful manipulation, _
what a thunderingly ''
good modern play it .' "r ;' : I
would make, though I
The quiet intensity
of Mr. Charles Kelly's ', -
style is admirably
suited to such a part i /
as Ishmael, and he
played it with earnest ',
care; there was a "
curiousstolidityabout r, c-"
Mr. Arthur Buck. THE GLOBE.-" FLOWERS OF THE FOREST.
law's Captain, which
riveted the attention at once; Mr. Lawrence Cautley was indeed a
cautley and precise young man, but his Alfred was not without flashes
of promise all the same; Mr. H. E. Russell's Kinchin appeared to me
artificial; there is a cheerily confident aspect about Mr. Percy Bell al-
ways, a quietly apparent conviction (with no conceit about it) that what
he is saying is really funny-it's a foregone conclusion, you needn't
trouble yourself about it, it's all right sort of air-which is quite infec.
tious, and you catch yourself roaring with laughter, and thinking he's
saying dreadfully funny things, when really he's doing nothing of the
sort. He made me quite ashamed of myself ever so often with his
Cheap John. Miss Ada Murray played
I 1 Cynthia very carefully and creditably, but,
except in the scene already mentioned, with
n ,o very striking grasp of the part; Miss
Leslie Bell made a very fair Lady Agnes,
showing some command of emotional expres-
sion, with the true ring in it; but Miss Clara
Jecks must be credited with a genuine suc-
cess with Starlight Bess-a part ranging
from the lightest of comedy to the strongest
of tragedy. Most bright and pleasing in the
early scenes, her acting in the later ones dis-
played a truth and power upon the posses.
sion of which she is to be heartily congratu-
lated. There is nothing to be said of the
rest of the cast but what is as well, or even
-. _better, left unsaid.
THE ADELPHI.-" PLUCK.- Mr. Frank Harvey's Wages of Sin, played
by his Beatrice Company at the Standard and
-Sadler's Wells last year, is -now taking a short run at the Olympic. I
don't think I can add this year anything to what I said last. It is a
JULY II, 1883.
play put together with some skill and stage knowledge, as far as construc-
tion and "situation" go, of the class the necessary ingredients of which
are a perfectly virtuous hero, a perfectly villanous villain, and a perfectly
idiotic heroine. These plays are pretty certain of success if planted in
spot, and -', -
duly embel- J "
lished with /jn '" f '
a downtrod- i -
den wife T /
sewing for a
bare living &
in the fatm- ..- m g be i
liar damp- .
walled attic, '
a dying "am-d n i i
baby, a co- wt .-
mic wicked I h c
person, a :
steals the THE SAvov.-" EVE-HOLE-HANDY (!!); OR THE PEER AND
m o n e y THE PEER-HYRE.
baby's physic, &c., &c. Mr. Harvey's company is well suited to its
work, except that Mr. H. Bennett might be improved upon with some
ease. Miss Charlotte Saunders is a tower of strength and a mine of
genuine drollery, and Miss Annie Baldwin quite grasps all the points of
the peculiarly weak-minded and illogical Ruth, though she plays part of
the first act with a too rapid and expressionless nonchalance. Miss PFolly
Hunter "makes" her comicalities with considerable tact. Mr. Frank
Harvey and Mr. J. Carter-Edwards are very goody and very naughty
respectively, showing plenty of resource withal, and Miss Eyre Robson
is a sufficiently amusing though not very artistic Juliana.
If any one desires for a cooler this weather (and I suppose there is a
fellow of that kind here and there) there's a lovely panorama of the
Arctic Regions at the Victoria Coffee Hall. It was painted by the late
Clarkson Stanfield, R.A., and is said to be the best marine painting in
existence-though who the man was who said such a big thing and what
became of him afterwards is more than I can say.
Mr. Thomas Thorne takes his benefit at the Vaudeville to-morrow
(Thursday) night-shall look out for you there.
Mr. Gospodin A. Lubimoff has put me in a difficulty. I am sure
nothing will convince him (nor a large number of other honest people)
that the tone of my remarks upon his performance of Nawcisse at the
Vaudeville is not the result of resentment for personal inconvenience.
But, though I consider it distinctly improper, and matter for strong
condemnation, to invite persons who by their duty are compelled to
accept the invitation, to a theatre on a tropical July afternoon (or any
other time for that matter), and then provide them with no accommo.
dation whatever, I as distinctly disclaim any feeling of injury in the
matter. In the first place, one is enabled to go away-no light com-
pensation. In the second, I know the circumstance arose on the occa.
sion from no worse cause than the thoughtlessness of an unbusinesslike
actor. And in the third, Mr. Lubimoff's acting-manager, Mr. Louis
Sabine, did all in the power of mortal man to induce the theatre to
increase its seating capacity twofold, and obviate the inconvience, giving
me, personally, an amount of attention which must have been a con-
siderable tax upon him, and
of which I am very sensible.
Mr. Lubimoff, to my mind,
showed no particular talent
as an actor. His emotion
was of the kind which is. as
troubled over a scratched _
finger as a broken heart; his I\
delivery was irritatingly de.
liberate, and often quite
inaudible; his emphasis
mostly wrong, and his idea
of the character incorrect- i
the quiet bitterness of the
cynic being quite lost. There
was no variety in the per-
formance, and except in the THE PRINCEss's.-"AuNT CHARLOTTE'S
cases of Mr. E. F. Edgar MADE."
and Miss Florence Wade (it
will be remembered I only saw the first act), there was nothing in "the
support" to relieve the dulness. It is right to say that Mr. Lubimoff
made up picturesquely, showed some not ungraceful action, and has a
very fair command of English. NESTOR. *
JULY II, 1883. FUI. 13
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
SIR,-A well-earned bean-feast to the disgracefully over.
worked printers of this journal, compelling us to go to press
a day earlier than usual, prevents my knowing with exacti-
tude whether my selection has come off first in the Cumber-
land Plate. I am morally certain that it is so, however, so
allow me to triumphantly ask, "Who sent you absolute first,
bar none ?" and proceed with my
TIP FOR THE LIVERPOOL CUP.
Before the lot is plainly seen
A recent winner, Barcaldine
(Which name, however, I opine,
We should pronounce as Barcaldine);
We may distrust and charge with guilt,
But still we can't resist, The Jilt;
Put on the Goggles, too, we may,
And turn our trotters Boulevard way;
But far away from touts and grooms,
We '11 hasten where Whin-Blossom blooms,
And eke the trusty cleric hope-
'T is only they with Alban cope;
But hear the Prophet cry Beware I"
Amid them all pray have a care,
There is an havock air about,
And Havock is the horse, no doubt.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
SIR WILFRID.-If you so much object to water, why
don't you have your umbrella re-covered? Bets, however,
are not recoverable by law.
A CONTINUOUS SUPPORTER.-The horse started (vio-
lently) at the long price (well knowing he wasn't worth the
FLAG-FALL.-(I) Yes. (2) When the wind is easterly.
(3) We don't know. (4) Purchase all our back numbers and
see. (5) Sometimes. (6) In quarterly instalments. (7) See
answer to WINKLE (this answers "JERUSALEM PONY ").
SARAH.-Although they pipe your nose, you needn't pipe
WINKLE.-"Taken and off" means the bet was first
taken, but subsequently rescinded or declared "off."
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
"SEASIDE toilets," says Myra, "are now made of che-
quered zephyrs." They, doubtless, look as nice as (z)ephyr,
though one would think the material more suited for curtains
or the wind-oh I
A PRAISEWORTHY ACT.
First Sporting AMan.-" Do WELL AT NEWMARKET THE OTHER DAY?"
Second Sporting Man.-" No; FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN UNLUCKY FOR A
LONG SPELL. TOOK TWO BAD TENNERSS;' BUT THERE I I MUSTN'T
First S. M.-" GOT RID OF 'EM?"
Second S. M.-"YES; AND IN AN HONEST, LEGITIMATE WAY, TOO. I
SENT 'EM AS CONSCIENCE MONEY TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE Ex-
THE paper to-day, we rejoice to say,
Is full of extremely delightful news;
We 've chosen some items to render gay
Perusers of widely divergent views :
If one of our readers has lately been,
As witness," exposed to our legal wags,
And suffered from barristers' causeless spleen,
And left with his character torn to rags,
He 'll chuckle with joy at. the banquet laid
For a prominent light of the English Bar,
And the pretty and flattering speeches made,
Will fill him with sympathy nought can mar.
To appetite-harbouring folks who find
That eggs (as a favour) are fourpence each,
While fowls are a luxury out of mind,
And steak is an article out of reach,
Who learn when they purchase their scanty "grub "
That eating's a wild and insane expense,
The dinner they had at the Cobden Club
Must carry a comfort the most intense I
How pleasant to hear of the gain we reap,
The fathomless blessing Free Trade bestows I
How jolly to hear that our food is cheap I
(What "costly" may signify goodness knows 1)
Going, going I
MRS. DELIA S. PARNELL (mother of the M.P.) has announced her
intention of selling the furniture and effects of the family residence, "Iron-
sides," New Jersey. "The sale," it is said, will include all her pret-
tiest and most valuable articles of furniture, paintings, books, bric-b-
brac, &c." The lady's manifesto is not without a touch of pathos. So
perhaps FUN will be excused for ringing a short par "-(k)nell over the
probable passing away of these articles from the Parnell menage.
MR. ALDERMAN MEAGHER, who was recently elected Lord Mayor
of Dublin, and who is a strong Parnellite, will, it is said, be a candidate
for Meath. If this gentleman resembles some Parnellites we could men-
tion, it is to be hoped he will stand a Meagher chance of success; though,
doubtless, the Monaghan business will make him (M)eagher to try it.
14 F INT. JULY ,,, 1883.
JUST TO PLEASE HIMI
See REPORTS of Earthquake in Cornwall.)
W a o l h ihA .
_...i I N
__ -- L __'L ;. ,,',-a, ... I, [., ". ., _y .... <. ,--
.x;', '":l ', ,
........~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~_ ZI _- .. I.._ -' -., .-
WHY 'sid ohnBul, wat' ths A eathqakein zy ounry. Thre s-sme:istke-t'sbeewrngl adresed- I'l jst o ad Se -
... Z 0 7 ,
.:_, ." ....V-
,L -- ,. ." .. ', --"t .-- "
Oh, no, there's no mistake," said Nature; "it was intended for you. You see, they told me that you were tired of living in an isolated country free from the
violent phenomena of other lands, and that you were doing whatyo could to alter it by making a submarine tunnel to connect your country with-elieh So I thought
you would like a taste of the phenomena that the others-eh?"
"There," said John Bull, patting down the earth over the hole. Let me catch any ot you speculators trying to spoil my island again, and-that's my decision at last!'
FUJN.-JULY II, 1883.
MASHER CANDIDATE OF THE FUTURE.
HAVE THEIR RIGHTS AND THEIR VOTES MR. GLADSTONE WILL INTRODUCE
A SPECIAL "WOMAN'S CORRUPT PRACTICES" BILL.
THE MASHER CANDIDATE OF THE FUTURE.
WHEN Woman has the suffrage gained,
And so become a voter,
We wonder will she feel constrained
To pose as a promoter
Of lady-killing candidates ?
Or, curbing her affections,
Will she support old grim baldpates
At General Elections ?
Will she prefer the pretty youth
She thinks she'd like to marry,
To one whose seeking after truth
Undoubted weight would carry ?
Pout whilst the practised statesmen teach
By words she views as snarling,
But smile assent to the limp speech
Of some curl'd scented darling ?
Should she display such preference,
She'd back the youth with dollars,
Low, maybe, in intelligence,
Though high in heels and collars:
But, oh! we hope we ne'er may see
The day-that worst of crashers !-
When Parliament has come to be
A company of Mashers!
TULY 1i, 1883. FU N. 17
WARBLES OF THE WEEK.
SET TO THE AIRS OUR FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES.
No. 2.-A SONG WHICH GOES-WITHOUT AN AUTHOR.
AIR-" Love me little, love me long."
Goes the burden
of my song;
Make the mix-
ture hot and
Sweeten it to
Firstly, as it will
Make to-night a
Thither let us
Is the burden
of my song.
There are funny people, lots;
But I think the greatest pots
Search for Pharaoh's chariots
Underneath the sea.
When our hats to Ince we doff,
In for Hastings, none should scoff,
No one can accuse us of
Matters right and matters wrong,"
Is the burden of my song.
Fight they 've had at Woolwich (sham);
Lively's captain couldn't bam-
Boozle them, and glad I am
They could find no flaw ;
Blazed a fire, you understand,
Well behaved the fireman band ;
Rapid restoration and
Cheers for Captain Shaw.
"Matters right and matters wrong,"
Is the burden of my song.
So they had their little "grub"
SAt the wicked Cobden Club 1
Clemenceau ? Ah, there's the rub I
What an awful thing 1
Eastbourne-wards have lately been
England's future King and Queen,
And their kindly deed, I ween,
Is the last we sing
Of matters right and matters wrong,"-
Hope you like our little song.
Fun in Earnest.
FEw types of suffering humanity claim more of Mr. FUN'S sympathy
than the poor blind-perhaps because they flatter him by seeing all his
jokes. At this golden season of the year, therefore, he asks his rich
readers, who on sand and shingle are drinking in the cool fresh sea-
breeze, or in country glades and gardens are basking in summer sun-
shine, and revelling in the fragrance of the roses, to think a little of
their many, many fellow-creatures, who, bearing in patience life-long
darkness, yearn at this summer season for one day's emancipation from
the stifling courts and alleys, to exchange but for a few hours the hot
flagstones for the cool springing grass, the din and clatter of the streets
for the rustle of boughs and song of birds. Any who would cast a little
light and gladness where there is much darkness and sorrow should
communicate with Mr. J. T. Edmonds, Honorary Secretary, South
London Association for Assisting the Blind, 15 Brixton Road, S.W., or
Mr. George Tozer, Honorary Treasurer, London and Westminster
Bank, Westminster Bridge Road, who are organizing the annual excur-
sion of this benevolent association.
DEAF TO ALL WARNINGs.-The amateur mountain-ear.
RATEPAYERS. We had to compensate the railway company so heavily
for making the blow-holes into our dining-rooms, that we have nothing
left to us. We are dragging our weary steps to the company.
INQUIRER. Ha I doubtless bent upon some great revenge ?
RATEPAYERS. Hush, for pity's sake I! Not so; we do but seek the
company to beg that we may not be seized to work as slaves upon the
permanent way-for we find that the Parliamentary Committee has con-
ferred upon them powers enabling them to take us.
INQUIRER. But why do you not up and abolish- ?
RATEPAYERS. We intend to-
INQUIRER. What, railway companies?
RATEPAYERS. Oh, no I They are not an absolutely unmitigated evil.
We speak of Parliamentary Committees.
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES,
BY THE "POWERS 1"
INQUIRER. Your visages are bright with a joyous confidence, 0 Rate-
payers I The comers of your eyes are crinkled with lines of cunning
anticipation. Your whole demeanour is as that of them who say in-
wardly, Ho I ho I Wait a bit I We shall see I "
RATEPAYERS. Such are indeed our feelings. For see, the neighbour-
ing railway company is taking upon itself to run its engines along our
pavements and round our back gardens. Already it has run over and
slain all our domestic cats; it has ruined the new-laid gravel upon our
garden-paths; it has cut up our grass and flower-beds; and we do but
wait until it shall have slain all our pet dogs, broken all our cucumber-
frames, and pulverized all our slaveys while in the act of hanging out the
linen; we say we do but wait until it shall have thus let itself in heavily,
to exact a fearful and pecuniary compensation at the hands of the law.
Hush, meanwhile 1-do not warn the company-let them find it out 1
INQUIRER. Why is your confidence less joyous than heretofore, good
Ratepayers? Why has your joy less confidence than of yore? The
lines of cunning at your eye-corners are less crinkly. Yet all your pet
dogs lie flattened upon their native pavements by the iron horse of the
neighboring railway company; and your cucumber-frames are in atoms;
and all your slaveys have been cut off in the act of hanging out the linen;
nay, in your hands I perceive the bags of money recovered as compensa-
tion from the railway company-
RATEPAYERS, Alas I we hold, indeed, these bags of money, but it is
our own money which we are bearing to the company to compensate
them for their expenses involved in withdrawing their engines from our
back gardens; for we find that the Parliamentary Committee gave them
a right to run round our back gardens, slay our cats, dogs, and slaveys,
cut up our gravel and flower-beds, and smash our cucumber-frames.
We are not so joyous as before, nor does that former feeling of cunning
anticipation suffuse our bosoms. But we will wait; for a time will come
when the company may inadvertently overstep even the elastic privileges
of their Act of Parliament, and then-Why, see, even as we speak a
gang of labourers, sent by the company, arrive and proceed to make
blow-holes in our dining-room floors. They cut a round hole in the Turkey
carpet; they saw through the floor; they dig in the ground underneath;
and behold I a great column of black impenetrable smoke arises from
the vitals of the earth and shuts the dinner from our view. We choke;
we grow very ill; all our families grow very ill; our servants recover
damages from us for illness; our furniture is ruined. No matter ; we
will appeal to the law, and exact from the company heavy and substan-
INQUIRER. Yet your manner is hardly so joyously confident as before.
RATEPAYERS. Eh? No; we have learned more about Parliamentary
INQUIRER. This is indeed strange and sad I You are in rags; and,
by your nibbling thus at your boot-laces, I perceive that you are hungry.
Where is your former well-to-do-ness?
FU 'T JULY ii, 1883.
"HOW THE RICH LIVE;"
BY SHINY SEAMS AND HAL 'LOW!
H AVE said that, it being a fashion.
able craze to obtain an engage-
ment or give a matinie at a
theatre, the rich have no option
but to devote their energies for
the time being to this object.
The misery, degradation, and
personal inconvenience this en.-
tails upon the inhabitants of
Wealthyopolis will scarcely be
credited. It is bad enough for
those who succeed-the worry of
competition, the necessity of
( r cringing here, of flattering there,
the fatigue of rehearsals, the auda-
man city of stage managers and pro-
S\ fessional actors who presume to
V press upon them thear ideas, the
snubbings of the Press, and the
laughter of unsympathetic pits
and galleries-are the sad accom-
paniments of their social triumph.
s Glad nolUS y SPARB. But for those who fail, in addi-
Ae tanoNeUS VOpe SPtARK. a tion to the worst of these ills
rendered double misery by being trouble for nothing), there is the
ignominy to be borne of being compelled to "take a back seat" in
society, as well as the added horror of a moral compulsion to take a great
many front seats (and sit in thm 1) at the performances of their more
fortunate fellows. Ah, you middle and lower classes i-you who can sit
in your shirt-sleeves this sweltering weather, or lie face upwards, or
downwards at your happy choice, in St. James's Park and sleep-do you
ever think of the misfortunes of your richer brothers?
The theatrical manager is near enough to this class to see its trials,
and he does his best : he is tender-hearted, and puts as high a letting
price upon his theatre and runs up the extras as much as he can, to lessen
,he pressure. The actors engaged to support the wealthy martyr follow
his lead nobly. But nothing aids the unhappy herd; fashion goads them,
and they must go forward. So the manager, who cannot arrange for
more than one piece to be played at the same time, with a sigh lets his
theatre for every afternoon to the earliest comer or the highest bidder.
Notes of the various applications lie on the manager's desk at his
side. From these I copy, surreptitiously and without his kind permis-
sion, the following:-
i. Maria Stubbs. (Father retired soap-boiler.) Wants an engage-
ment; salary no object, and don't mind small parts. Prefers burlesque.
Figure short, but good; knees with slight inward inclination. Once
played Red Riding-Hood's Grandmother in a charade.
2. Percy Stanley. Youngest son of an earl. At present at Eton, but
desires a change. Saw Mr.
Irving last holidays. Would -. --
like to play Much Ado;
has never acted, but re. .
cited last "Fourth," and --
doesn't want more than" f
twenty pounds a week. '
Wants Miss Ellen Terry to S JC "
be engaged for Beatrice.
3. Mrs. Smatter. Anx-
ious to go on the stage, ,,
and wishes to give a couple
ofmatindes. Will play Julia r
in The Hunchback, and
Constance in The Love
Chase. Wants good cast
got out for these pieces,
acting manager engaged,
and Covent Garden sub.
sidized. Will subsequently
accept any subordinate part
at a London theatre.
4. Mr. Aspi Rant (pupi
of Mr. Prosser Pong) wishes
to play Hamlet on first
vacant date. Castand pre-
1 minaries arranged. Has
played the part in private
frequently to invited audi-
ences (supper afterwards)
with much applause. In. WVAITIN F
tends adopting the stage.
5. The Dowager Duchess of Gretna Green. Has nine children, the
youngest fifteen. Wants an engagement in the ballet.
Here the manager snatches the notes from my hand, or I might mul-
tiply instances, but enough has been shown to prove that there is no class
of the rich to which this exacting incubus does not penetrate.
But a lady is preferring her case to the T meeting. She is accom-
panied by a lad. A weird, Will-o'-the-Wisp, Huxley and Darwin,
water-kelpie lad, with a head that expands and contracts and wobbles
about like a half-filled balloon in a way that attracts attention at once.
"You really must find a place for him, Mr. Grooves," says the lady,
"you really must; the stage is the only place where he is not likely to
set the Thames on fire."
Set the Thames on fire ? is the inquiring ejaculation of the manager.
"Yes. Oh, he seems quite determined to do it, I assure you. He's
always getting boxes of matches and going to Kew or Richmond, or
Marlow or Maidenhead (he comes back smelling dreadfully of tobacco,
too). We have to watch him constantly. It was only the other day we
found him in the
Thames Subway with 6 i
a freshly purchased "
box of vestas-a mo-
ment later, and the
riverwould havebeen I -
in a blaze." The .
manager, who is fully
conscious of the im-
portance of taking all
fire, engages him as
call-boy, and his mo-
ther retires happy.
But there is one
phase of this fashion-
able rush after all
things theatrical-a "noss caPgmss.
rush which has raised
"the profession from its days of rogueryy and vagabondage," indeed,
when it can boast the companionship of dukes and princes-which I have
not yet touched upon. The fashionable who cannot get upon the stage
itself shines with a lesser light if he knows all its slang and gossip, and
above all if he becomes a regular "first-nighter." The most energetic
followers of this aspect of the craze are the beings known as "Dossy
The Dossy Chappie"-" dossy being itself theatrical slang, sig-
nifying any painfully prettily got-up person-is the faultlessly dressed
youth or middle-aged buck to be observed in theatres on all "first nights,"
or during the earlier weeks of a new piece. He is always spick and span,
unwrinkled, and obtrusively suggestive of innumerable tubs." Every-
thing fits him beautifully. There is a legend of a Dossy Chappie" who
was melted down and poured into his clothes, but I know this to be an
untruth, because a "Dossy Chappie" never melts-he is stiffness per-
sonified. Whatever his pleasure-and he waxes languidly enthusiastic
once in a while cver the
Totties and Lotties of bur-
lesque-whatever his phy-
sical exertion-and he can
quite well defend himself
with nonchalant force in a
street row-never a crease
or stain appears upon his
dazzling white collar and
Stie, his well-fitting swallow-
tail and clinging nether
garments, his shining shirt-
front and spotlessly white
vest with crimson kerchief
nestling between, his
J sweetly clocked socks and
tapering pumps. His very
I t language is a dialect of his
,. own. What these Dossy
Chappies" have to go
through in their devotion to
the popular fad no one can
1 guess, bad plays may
weary and unruly pits may
worry, but they mus iat-
tend the "first night." I've
known them to sit up all
Night on the steps of the
-, ,.. box office to secure seats
till scarce a trace of their
Oa cUES. "dossiness" remains, and
not muCh-bappiness I
JULY II, 1883. FUN 19
Statesman and Farmer.
Land states that the Marquis of Salisbury has turned farmer, and
that he, as a rule, devotes two days a week to his new hobby, arranging
all matters of detail, and, in point of fact, actively interesting himself in
the real work of agriculture.
I CRAVE your attention, 0 readers of FUN,
Whate'er be your rank or your station-
Yea, whether you've riches, or whether you 're none,
Pray list to my little narration.
There's a rumour abroad-it is true, I dare say-
And I 'm sure you '11 agree that it's charming;
'T is contained in the refrain I've put to this lay,
Lord Salisbury's taken to farming !"
You've heard of the marvellous marquis, no doubt,
A peer who's as wise as he's gracious;
You're aware that his lordship knows what he's about,
And that he is also veracious;
You have seen how he sorrows o'er Gladstone and Bright,
Asserting their falsehood's alarming;
Lo. this, then, is he who (if rumour be right)
Has recently gone in for farming.
Two days in each week does our precious pet peer
(Who's the foe of each Radical vulture ")
Go dibbling, and draining, and ploughing, we hear,
Determined to learn agriculture;
And he harrows his fields-(he has harrowed his foes-
These last, though, he seldom is harming),
And the seeds both of turnips and troubles he sows,
Now our great feudal fumer goes farming.
He often in politics loses his head,
And, in agonized tones of despair, crows;
But in farming his speeches won't stand him in stead,-
Though, perhaps, they might serve him as scarecrows I
This farming fad, maybe, will do him some good,
Our New Cincinnatus disarming;-
Why, he e'en in the Lords may behave as he should
When his satire is softened by farming I
AN evening paper asserts that the heavy "bearskin worn
by the Foot Guards is an admirable protection against a hot
sun. Our contemporary does not, of course, allude to "cubs,"
although they are certainly bear's-kin.
MR. A. DUNCOMBE is the Conservative candidate for the
East Riding of Yorkshire. We should hardly think he would
be popular, for few people like to see a Dun-come to their
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT.
PRES Yeudi, I sink your
vife, vich is decease
sistare, she vas hollow
'STAT before she vas out of ze
STAT vood. Bien merci, ze
HEADuke of Marlborough and
,i, ze Bishops in ze Lords vill
/ ;, not read ze Bill ze tree
I time; to read it two time
vas zey sink vonce two
much. I console Milors
Houghton and Bramvell
ven I say to zem sat if ze
S' vife vich is decease sis-
tare cannot mate her
brozzare in laws, it is,
entendez, because zat she
is check mate by ze
Bishops. Entre nous, if
I fall in love vit ze sistare
of my vife, I sail take care marry ze sistare before my vife is decease.
In ze Commons ve go in Supply vit se Army Estimates. (I suggest
ve should go in supply ze ice cream, and demand who vill have a
coolare; but I am call to ordare.) l me semble ze vorst foe of ze
English soldat is aujourd'hui, as in ze Crimea, ze red tape-Commissa-
riat 1. VoilA l'ennemil Captain Maxvell hope ze uniform of ze army
vill be as much re(a)d as FUN, and I add I hope it vill be distingue by
uniform efficiency. Milor Cecil is chagrin, parceque ze guns vich load
at ze fantalon are not serve out. I catch ze Spikare in ze eye, and say
THE BOY WHO DIDN'T KNOW TOO MUCH.
Mr. Brisket (concluding a diatribe against Education).-" WHAT I WANT
TO KNOW, MRS. JUGGINS, IS-WHAT IS THERE THE BOYS AN' GELLS
DON'T KNOW NOWADAYS?"
Youthful Customer (interrupting conversation).--" WHY, WE DON'T KNOW
WOT THESE 'ERE RABBIT PIES IS MADE OF, GUV'NOR; AN. P'R'APS IT'S
AS WELL WE DON'T I "
if zey are hard up for gun ze House can spare lots of small bores, re-
gardant maintenant Randy and ce char Bartletts.
fuin 29me.-Plusieurs noble lords are alarm at ze state of ze army.
Milor Hertford desire return to long service. On dit, ze coloured
sergeant (sans doute he is in var paint) say in vain to ze rustique, a la ze
Ghost to Hamlet, "'List, oh I 'list I" Milor Morley say sings are like
ze diable, zey are not aussi noir as zey are paint.
Ze Commons are again on ze Practices vich are Corrupt. Ze candi-
date must not send hire carriage for votares to get hire, c'est a dire, plus
haut in ze poll. Sir Fairplay move for Select Committee to report how
ze Ministry can best deal vit education. I say deal it out to ze Radicals.
7uillet 2me.-Milor Derby sink ze Australians have not ze visdom of
Solomon to desire annex his islands.
In ze Commons ze Brazen Sir Thomas introduce me to jolly leetle
party zat he say is ze Conqueror fresh from ze Battle of Hastings. I
say Quel bonheurl Mr. Ince, it is, as your song say, years Ince last
ve met." He sank me for zis Incere velcome, and demand vill I show
him ze Ince and outs of Parliament? Zen Corrupt Practice: zefibce de
resistance is ze amendment of Truseful Thomas qu'ilsoit corrupt practice
for Membare who have serve his country by giving up his seat to make
vay for greater man to receive title vizin five years. Ve sit till von of
ze clock, vile Randy, Biggar, Lewis, et cie., bait ze G. 0. M. vit vat I
sall call Truseful Tomfoolery. On dit, Healy is up again.
Yuillet 3me.-Earl Granville tell ze Lords of ze second invasion of
Egypt by an enemy flus terrible que les Anglais, le cholera. Apres cela,
ze noble lords go in Committee oh ze Pawnbrokare Bill, and spout ver
much of ze sings vich go up ze spout.
Ze Commons are long time in Committee on ze Corrupt Practices.
Apropos of Clause 15, vich say ze tap-room sail not de plus be committee
room, ze Tories sink ze claws too sharp. Maintenant, it is carry.
Mr To CoRRXMPNDzKT&-Th* Xditor does met &%d himsege so achwsouldge, "tumv, or jky for Cotributilon. Ix me uaesW they be returned wouni
iwoeAwdonid 6y' astaxtood amd directed exveleje.
20 FU JULY ii,. 1883.
S ^.^?. .'"- Y"- _-___ _
NOT A PEERLESS PUN.
Seaside Swell.-" HAVE YOU HEARD THAT LITTLE JOKE OF MINE I MADE ABOUT THIS PLACE THE OTHER DAY, MISS DE BRIOWE?"
Ladies.-" OH, NO I WHAT WAS IT?"
Seaside Swell.-" BET YOU,' SAID I TO FRED HERE, THAT BRIGHTON IS BETTER OFF FOR LEGISLATORS THAN MOST SEASIDE
.PLACES.' 'HOW?' SAID HE. 'WHY,' I REPLIED ALL IN A MOMENT, 'IT NOT ONLY HAS MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT, BUT TWO
PIiRAS AS WELL.' WASN'T BAD, WAS IT?" [The Ladies do not seem greatly impressed.
The Great Secesh.
(ANY WHIG TO HIS COBDEN CLUB.)
MESSRS. PRESIDENT and members, I've been watching long, and longing
For a hint of some improvement in your character and line,
Very loth to stir a finger lest by chance I should be wronging
Your position in the realm by any overt act of mine.
Members may gape, but the portals of their club should not be gapers,
And I 've seen them open slowly for the ingress of the Cad,
I have seen them- give admittance unto men who write for papers,
I have seen them hail A. Arnold, and it only made me sad.
Heathens hailing from dim regions which e'en Cockle's has scarce
Swore their trade in scalps and cowries they would never more protect,
And we had to read their memoirs, and we had to have them toasted,
Water more than toast they needed-not e'en then did I object.
And I heard men twaddle Turkish as to what they'd lay a tax on,,
While ad valorem in Tartar was a theme that pleased me much;
And I 'only faintly hinted that though sweet in Anglo-Saxon,
The "most favoured country" question may pall slightly in Low Dutch.
And I saw the speeches lengthen, and I saw the dinners dwindle,
But I stood my ground superbly (lunching well at half-past three),
Knowing well that an example is required to fitly kindle
Faith in man, a stout example of a county stock, like me.
But I could not stand this, Dilke; no, though the dinner came up hotter,
And they timed the speakers sternly to ten minutes each or so;
No. I' put my foot down this time, I assure you, Mr. Potter;
Chamberlain was bad, but, there, I draw the line at Cldmenceau.
One of those ill-shaven ranters against landlords and religion,
Primed with nasty dry statistics, contradicting people flat,
With a whole hive in his bonnet, and that bonnet red aud, Phrygian,
Could a member for his county pass the salt to men like that?
No ; reluctantly I leave you; I 'm not ripe for execution,
And I 've taken information, and I know what this move 'means:
When a Frenchman is a doctor with a taste for revolution,
If he doesn't turn round sauces, he will turn out guillotines.
SLEIGHT OF HAND EXTRAORDINARY.-Turning a Church into an
s Cadbur s
,Make writing' a luxury and delight.
FIRST-CLASS EXTRA C T
STRONG STEEL. CAUTION. If
With Oblique, Turned- Cocoa thickens, in the
up and Rounded Points. Suit all hands and all cup, it proves the ad-
work. In 6d., 19. and 1 gross boxes. Sold every- edition of Starch, 0
where. Sample box free for 7 or 13 stamps.
JOHN HEATH, Birmingham. PURE HI SOLUBLE,!I REFRESHINB111
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at z53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July sith, 1883.
A FISHERY EXHIBITION.
HERE'S an ornithological fishing match, These rings keep the birds froni devouring the fish,
Each competitor's having a tidy catch;" (AsourLondon "Ring" kept suchfood fromour dish),
But some one's had wisdom to (w)ring their necks, And the Pelican-Umpire with glee looks on,
Lest they swallow each prize, and their umpire vex. Intending to feed on the lot anon.
Thus that pelican, look you, nearer viewed,
Resembles the folks of the Billingsgate brood :
He'd let others crave fooj, and from want fall ill,
So long as big profits his pouch shall fill !
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
HURRAY 1" cried Mr. Blunderberry, "beaten-floored-dished I"
and he banged the table with his open band, upset the bread and butter
on to the carpet, and lifted the cover from the broiled haddock.
Good gracious, Solomon I" exclaimed the wife of his bosom, "how
you startle one. What has happened? "
You've lost it, ma'am ; lost it by sixteen votes I You haven't got
it I You shan't have it I You can't have it I Never-never 1"
"Goodness gracious, what have I lost?" asked Mrs. Blunderberry,
rummaging her pockets. I dropped the keys the day before yesterday,
but I found them in the afternoon. And here's my pocket-handkerchief,
and here's my memorandum-book, and hpre's-'"
"Tut, tut, woman I-the franchise- do you hear me?-the franchise!"
"But I don't want any," said Mrs. Blunderberry, with a sigh of relic f.
"Think the franchise is something you buy by the pound like cheese,
or the basket like strawberries ? Think costermongers bring the fran-
chise xound "in a barrow and change it for old clothes ?"
"No, no, Solomon I of course not, I know better than that; but you
are so sharp, and catch one up at every word. I meant to say I didn't
care for one."
"Ah, now I understand," replied her lord and master: "you knew
all the time that the franchise was a self-adjusting corset. Didn't you ?
Unless perhaps your inner consciousness revealed to you the truth that
it was a blue bonnet with crushed strawberry trimming. You saw the
franchise in a shop window in Bond Street, and sighed and looked, and
sighed and looked, and sighed and looked again. Then you asked the
price, and said, 'No, thank you, I don't want one.' Oh, no I and
Mr. Blunderberry growled savagely at his egg; oh, no you don't want
one 1 If you had one you'd have a glass case made for it and a velvet
stand, and you 'd put it in your cabinet of curiosities. You knoww what
to do with the franchise if the House of Commons gave it you I"
"But, Solomon," said Mrs. Blunderberry, a ray of intelligence illumi-
nating her face, "but, Solomon, I really am not so ignorant as you sup-
pose. I do know what the franchise is."
"Well, ma'am-well? What is it? Do not keep your anxious
husband longer in suspense than is absolutely necessary. Instruct your
marital Blunderberry. Acquaint him with full particulars."
Mrs. Blunderberry, absent-minded, poured the cream into the cruet-
stand as she answered, deliberately, "The franchise is a thing-"
"Very good," interjaculated her husband, "go on."
"The franchise is a thing which goes about the country at election-
time, and-and-gets extended."
"By Jove, Mrs. B. I" exclaimed her husband, making a savage on-
slaught on the butter. "By Jove, ma'am I considering your power of
definition, if you would only swell yourself to the necessary dimensions,
and bind yourself in half-calf, you'd be a dictionary. If you'd consent
to become a political catechism, no Member of Parliament would be
complete without you. If you 'd arrange yourself alphabetically on
shelves, you 'd be the finest reference library in the kingdom. But,
Mrs. Blunderberry, as the wife of so insignificant a man as myself you
are wasted-absolutely wasted."
Solomon, dear, don't be so impatient. Tell me what the franchise
"Madam, a man who is presumably unblessed with such a treasure of
a wife as I possess, lately proposed in the House of Commons to extend
the franchise to your sex, which is what is denominated 'female suf-
"Oh, Solomon, as if we poor women did not suffer enough without
any more suffrage I If we women only had votes we 'd soon put things
on a different footing. Take your nasty franchise if it's to give us more
suffrage; we don't want it."
Mrs. Blunderberry, I quite agree with you. You don't want it; and
what is more, you won't have it." And proud of his rejoinder, as he
chuckled to himself, Mr. Blunderberry walked down to meet his omnibus
a good three inches taller in his own estimation than Providence had
"Why haven't we poor women got votes ?" sighed Mrs. Blunderberry
sadly, as she watched him through the garden gate.
VO XXXVIII.- NO 949, ........ ............
JULY 18, 1883.
22 FU N TULY iS, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
r nONSIDERING that Miss Florence St.
John and her comrades of the regular
Avenue Theatre company will be up
and away to the. provinces long ere
words of mine now written can reach
*\_-- the reader's eye, it savours at the first
blush somewhat of supererogation to
notice the performance of Barbe-Bleue,
now superseded by Mr. Willie Edouin
and his merry troupe. But the pro-
duction was so good in most respects,
\ and proved so attractive, that I should
think it very likely to see the light again
on the company's return to town in
January, and before the production of
THI AVENUE.-BOULOTTE, STRUCK La PAincesse aux Canaries-at any
WITH A SAPHIRE, PREPARES TO rate, if words of mine can conduce to
STRIKE HIM WITH ANOTHER that result, as well as induce any one
STONs. to go and see it who has not already
done so, why-there they are I
The piece has not been played in London for some time, and is prac-
tically a novelty. There is more strength and burlesque meaning in its
music than is to be found in most later works of the kind; its story has
some point, and if the late Mr. Kenny's verse is not distinguished for
over-reverence for rhyme, it is at least intelligible. My recollections of
its first production in England-something like eighteen years ago-are
rather dim, but I can just call to mind seeing it performed at the
Olympic, where it followed The Lady of Lyons, with Miss Kate Terry
Henry Ne- I
ville In the A A /
parts. I for-
get who A Sg
played Bou .
my only re- a
Beard is that li
an Irish ac-
cent; but I THE AVENUE.-FROM FLOWRR-GIRL TO PRINCESS; LIFE IS
have a dis- ALL A LOTTIE-RY.
lection of Atkins as a very funny Popolani, and Miss Nelly Farren as a
sprightly Count Oscar (transformed for the nonce-again, I don't know
why-into a policeman); and poor Amy Sheridan's tall graceful figure
and expressionless style rises, in my mind's eye, with all the vividness of
reality. I think there was a Miss Galton in it too, but I don't know
where. Schneider was the next to play it (in the original French); and
Miss Emily Soldene and the late Miss Tulia Matthews afterwards ap.
peered in English versions.
In those very old days they didn't cast pieces quite so strongly as they
do now-at any rate, not often-and the
Avenue cast was so exceptionally strong,
that it might occasionally raise thoughts of
talent wasted ; but, there, one is never satis-
fied I Miss Florence St. John's performance
will compare favourably with any of her
predecessors in the part (of whom Schneider
was incomparably the worst as a singer) that
I remember-there is nothing very new to be
said of her voice, it is pretty well in the
zenith of its sweetness, fulness, and richness
I suppose, and her method is simply delight.
ful; but her acting improves with every new
part she undertakes, and though she is still
rather soon at the end of her resources in that
n / te respect, there is a hearty earnestness and in.
terest in her work displayed, which is very
T AVENU.-M. ARS refreshing to witness.
AS BLUE BEARD SAYS, Mon. Marius is an inimitable Popolan
READY TO MARRY-US OS.le Popolani
OR- T" The resuscitation scene was extremely droll,
particularly the imitation of a photographic
operator ; and the solemn dignity of his "farewell" business with Oscar
in the last act was the height of artistic burlesque absurdity. Mr. H.
Bracy sang as sweetly and acted as tamely as is the wont of bouffe tenors;
Mr. Arthur Williams made some fun out of the rather epicene part of
Prince Saphire; Mr.
T. G. Warren's sing-
ing (and, indeed, act-
ing, as far as it was
called for) gave pro-
minence to the part
of Count Oscar; and
S Mr. J. J. Dallas's
performance of King
Bob8che was another
proof of what can be
\ done with slight ma-
good comedian. Miss
Maria Davis did good
oldv cand individualized
service as Queen
THE AVENU.-BOULOTTS DRTERMINaS NOT TO BR Clementina; and
BOULOTTED OUT. Miss Lottie Venne
was as quaint, perky,
and sparklingly amusing as she always is.
The dull time has come upon us. Drury Lane closed on Saturday,
to reopen on the 4th of next month with Messrs. Fawcett Rowe and
Augustus Harris's new drama-with all Harrisian glories to Fawcett into
favour. The Adelphi is closed, to open again any moment with The
Streets of London, with Badger to warn us-or Warner to Badger us,
whichever you prefer. The Lyceum closes on the 28th, and knows
Irving and Co. no longer for awhile; but Miss Mary Anderson, as Par-
thenia in Ingomar, starts it into life again on
the Ist of September; on which same date
the Folies Dramatiques also reopens its sud-
denly-closed doors (its doors are always sud-
denly closing-it's a wonder people's fingers
are not pinched 1). The Princess's is closed
for a five, weeks' holiday, re-presenting the
Silver King on the 18th prox. The St.
James's closes on Friday, and opens again-
a decided gain-on the 17th of September
with a new piece called Esmeralda, by Mrs.
Burnette and Mr. Gillette. The Court and I
Globe are closed. Toole's also is closed,
and will remain so until the 26th, when the
late T. W. Robertson's M.P. will be revived
there by a "summer company." Summer
companies also disport themselves at the
Gaiety, Olympic, Vaudeville, and Avenue,
only the Haymarket, Strand, Savoy, Co. THE AVENUE. BARBE-
medy, and Royalty pursuing (for the present) BLEUR-D AND BARBE-
the even tenour of their way. ARITY.
Mrs. Herbert Purvis (ne Florence Sedley) will reappear in London
shortly at a matinee. This will be welcome, for we haven't had any
matinres lately, and, of course, we miss them Sedley.
Saturday next is the date fixed for the Adelphi matinee in aid of the
Royal College of Music. A concert and a new three-act play will con-
stitute the programme, and no doubt it will be found a strong constitu-
- /ILOIT- Mr. G. H. Mac-
dermott has written
a play, and Messrs.
0 I ALI Holt and Wilmot
have bought it. It
is called Racing, in
Eight Furlongs, and
is to follow Miss
Minnie Palmer, the
little American lady
who has created such
a sensation in the
provinces, at the
Grand, at Islington,
_in October. More
Racing afterher. Let
THE AVaxsE.-THE SILENT TOMB AND THE us hope that Racing
GALVA-mzE I will have a good run.
Mr. J. H. Barnes will play Ingomar to Miss Mary Anderson's Par.
thenia at the Lyceum. NESTOR.
JULY 18 1883. FUN 23
"Among young ladies of the highest social position it has become ,
fashionable to take lessons in dressmaking. '-Weekly Pafer.
FASHIONABLE DAMSELS, loq.:
OUR sphere, you '11 agree, is considered alluring,
Yet at times our ennui is beyond all enduring;
Our amusements are few, don't you see? so fresh ones we aim
Of late 't was the rage with some ladies of fashion
To go on the stage, or to show High Art "passion;"
But we've found out a "fad," we engage, which we needn't
expend so much cash on.
And this lately.found freak soothes awhile our distresses,
'T is a pastime unique, which each wealthy girl blesses;
We play at modistes, so to speak; for we're learning to make
our own dresses I
Yes! I lessons we take both in cutting and sewing,
And "flounces" we make in a manner quite knowing;
And though sometimes our needles we break, we are daily in
It's such fun, you can't tell, to "fit" and to measure,
And to "run," "tack," and fell" is to usa new pleasure;
And in "piping" and "ruching" as well we have lessons
whenever we've the leisure.
Oh! we "kilt" and we "gore"-all the dressmakers
And we do so adore making "tabs" and "box-pleating;"
It isn't (at present) a bore, though no doubt, like most plea-
sures, 't is fleeting.
Those who livelihood earn at this costume employment
With envy will burn when they see our enjoyment;
But why should they show such concern? Their anger is
but to annoy meant.
Still, our skill we will try, though the dressmakers wrangle,
Till fresh whims by.and-bye shall our fancies entangle;
To be laundresses, soon we may sigh, or perhaps start an
amateur mangle I
amateur mangle A REASON FOR EVERYTHING.
First Sub.-"I SAY, OLD CHAP, YOU'LL BE GETTING INTO TROUBLE
To be taken Cum Grey-no(se) salis? WITH THAT DOG OF YOURS. HE BIT ONE OF THE MEN CROSSING THE
SIDE by side with the news of the rejection of the Channel BARRACK SQUARE YESTERDAY."
Tunnel scheme comes the report that a French engineer kindly Second Sub.-" DON'T BELIEVE IT I OR, IF HE DID, THE MAN MUST
proposes to build a bridge across the Channel, from Cape HAVE BEEN RUNNING, OR WHISTLING, OR SWINGING HIS ARMS, OR
Grisnez to Folkestone. What an "arch offer I Mustn't he BLOWING HIS NOSE, OR DOING SOMETHING OR ANOTHER TO PROVOKE
fancy we're green-eh? HIM."
'THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT.
URSDAYS, ze 5 of July.-
Milor Carrington inform
ze House of Lord ze Local I
Government Board go for
a I childs of ze house vich
york, vich are Local
Government Board and
S ~tM o lodginged out. Zare vill
OF SOM be grand "inspection of
LITTLEBI1 infantry," but in not under
sAc'A, I rEl arms. Zare is great row
S JULY vezzare ze public should
MIts be sometime shut out of
,-,ze Criminal Courts. Ze
4 House decideque oui. In
nze Commons ze Member
S, .-- for I demand if convoy of
arms to ze Ameer of Afgha-
nistan have been collare by
ze Afridees. Mr. J. K. Cross (ze Member for I vould make any von cross)
reply zat ze canard is A-mere invention. Encore Corrupt Practices.
Friday (ma foi I zis vas presque roasting day).-Lord Truro shine up
a kick because zare is too much flog in India. Ze Earl of Kimberley,
tr&s poliment, tell Lord Truro he is not true but soft roe-ze cat vit
nine lives and tails is more scarce in India, Ze Earl of Forbes move
for return of hours of vork on ze chemin de fer. Ze motion is vizdraw ;
mais il semble, ze workers on ze lines have to put up vit lines vich are
ver' hard. In ze Commons Mr. Mason, who must be ver' free mason,
desire to extend ze franchise aux dames. I say Quoi, certainment I vy,
certainly I At ze next election ze charmante Mees Jollidogue vill plump
(qudl bonheurl how she is plump already) for me. Mais, c'est perdu ze
motion, maintenant, only by 130 vers 114.
Monday.-Earl Derby is call over ze coal by Milor Stanley of
Alderley, ze Archbishop who Cantbury, and ze Due of Buckle who par-
ceiue ze Church of England is not maintain in Hong Kong by ze
"Heazen Chinee." Zare is great shindies ovare ze Militia. Plusieurs
noble lords say it is too short, ozzares que non. I say it is generally
about five feet nozzink. Ze Commons resolve if Mr. Bradlaugh call to
see zem, as invited by himself, he sall have ze key of ze street. Ze
Great Big Bill porte le deuil et se lamented for ze leetle Bills vich have zis
Session been sacrifice, like petits chiens, before zey have seen ze light.
Ze speech of ze Grand Young Man, Mr. Herbert Gladstone, at Acton,
have disturb Tottenham-zat is, ze Colonel. Vorse zan all, Gladstone
p re vill not espank ze young maraud, but pat him back.
Tuesday.-Milor Stanley desire papers regarding ze court-martial on
Price, marin of ze Triumph; mais Lord Norsbrook vill not supply zem
at any price. Milor Derby, ven Colonial Navies are sur le tapir, avec
naiveit, sink zey should keep on going to do vizout zem. Ze Radicals
are toujours pitching into ze House of Lords, and I am not surprise to
bear in ze Commons zat ze pier of Pimlico is to be remove. Mr.
Chaplin move to make ze Government look sharp alter ze Deceased
Vife Sistare-pardonlje va dire-re live cattle, vich is decease, I sall
mean disease. Ze House go home vit ze milk in ze morning.
Vennisday.-Ye suis ravi d'apprendre zat oil is pour on ze trouble
vatare of ze sveet vatare of ze Suez Canal, and zat ze directors sing vit
M. de Lesseps, Come along, come along, have annozzare I" .e suis
tres chagrin, que mon compatriot ltamiral Franfais have explode so
much mad gas in Madagascar.
"Hullo, Mr. Shipbuilder," said Father Time; "in a bit o a hurry?" "Got to beat you," panted the shipbuilder; "must launch her within the next two
minutes." But you've left great holes in her-forgotten a clt of plates," said Time. "Don t matter-can't help it. Must. launch hsr-owner can't wait," puffed
the builder, and disappeared.
Mind, I say, Mr. Shipowner I" said Time; "you 11 pull her right on to that iceberg." "Can't help that," said the shipowner; "must get her straight home,
whatever happens-time's money.'
1' I~~FUJNr.-JULY 18, 1883.
SHOOTING AT THE RUNNING DEAR OLD MAN.
RIFLE-SHOOTING as a sport
Popular doth now appear,
And a most enticing sort
Offers in the Running Deer:
When the iron-plated creature,
Rigidly correct in feature,
Down its sloping rails they launch,
Swift the leaden bullet hisses,
And it either hits or misses-
Sometimes landing on the haunch.
Similar in various ways
Is the independent plan
Whereby politicians blaze
At the Running Dear Old Man:
For when he performs his duties,
Some one certain sure to shoot is
At his form with might and main;
Whether, too, they miss or pot him,
Still they find they've never got him,
Since he's game to run again.
JULY 18, 1883. FIJ N 27
WARBLES OF THE WEEK.
SET TO THE AIRS OUR FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES.
NO. 3.-A SONG WHICH GOES-TO A TUNE IN "THE RIVAL SOLDIERS.'
AIR--"A Glass is Good."
._ic 1Hr, the Post is
good, and the
'Gg News is good,
S And the Tele's
a bird of a
The Times is
St good, and the
And they're all
A Neptune is
The boat was
good, for it
u: weathered a
Which threatened it every minute.
Oh, the Post is good, and the News is good, &c.
Oh, the actor's good, but the dinner was bad
(Here's wishing him luck with the Yankees);
St. George's, Bloomsbury,'s good, my lad,
And a ground for many thank 'ees.
Oh, Sheridan's good when there's ill to do,
He 's good at the blustering antic ;
His courage is good, and belligerent too,-
A good way across the Atlantic.
Oh, the Post is good, and the News is good, &c.
Oh, Wimbledon's good, and Henley is good,
And Lord's" must be good for the batter,
For Players and Gents" soon proved that they could
Run up a big score at the latter.
A nurse is good, and a cross is kind,
The more if Her Majesty gives it.
Captain Webb is good, but don't seem inclined
To value his life, though he lives it.
Oh, the Post is good, and the News is good, &c.
James Carey's a good way off by this time,
We think he's escaped rather lightly.
Committees are good-they are even sublime--
And "blow-holes" are vastly unsightly.
A strike is good, for nothing, I ween,
But hardship to David or Dann'l;
And a rail is good (as a joke, I mean),
That thinks about crossing the Channel!
Oh, the Post is good, and the News is good.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,--Have you yet recovered from the wild burst of chagrined sur-
prise that swept through your envious being when you discovered that I
was "all there" over the Liverpool Cup ? Has the jaundiced hue yet
departed from your mean-spirited visage? and how is it that you do not
return my I.O.U., although I sent you the fiver I owed you-No.
17093, June the 12th, as any thought-reader will tell you-more than
a week ago?
Goodwood is the next thing on the cards, but I haven't a word to say
about it till next week, when I will give unlimited tips-correct, incorrect,
and neither one thing or the other.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
ENQUIRER.-You cannot recover, especially if, as you say, the thief
has bolted with the bed-clothes.
R.A.-You draw your stake (use an HB).
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
"We may distrust and charge with guilt,
But still we can't resist The Jilt."
THE STRIKE IN THE IRON TRADE.
REMARKABLE FORESIGHT IN THE POLICE AUTHORITIES!
FULL ACCOUNT OF THE ARRANGEMENTS.
IT may not be generally known that the present strike in the iron
trades was foreseen, and prepared against, some weeks before its occur-
rence ; and this accounts for the otherwise marvellous promptitude with
which the One Policeman was thrown upon the scene of action at the
very first outbreak.
Several weeks ago the first steps in the matter were taken by the
authorities : a general competition in strength was ordered to take place
among the members of the police force throughout the country, the re-
sult being the selection of twenty promising officers to compete in the
The training of the twenty was somewhat severe, and our special re-
presentative was graciously permitted to witness the progress from day
to day. The course of training required a total abstinence from sleep
(even with one eye open), the consumption of twenty-five large raw steaks
per day, a combat every two hours by each candidate pitted against fifty
roughs armed with brickba, s, and other, exercises.
The "disabled" exercises were particularly interesting : for these a
constable would first be carefully prepared by the surgeon by having his
legs, arms, and head broken, and his eyes bunged up; and in this con-
dition he would be deprived of his staff and required to engage in an
encounter with ten roughs armed with sticks and thick boots. This
phase of the training was said to be one of the severest of the ordeals ;
and, indeed, this was proved by no less than seven out of the twenty
chosen competitors being compelled to retire in consequence of its telling
severely upon their constitutions. The competitors were also trained in
heat-enduring, this being considered necessary in consequence of the
handiness of the puddling furnaces for throwing an opponent into at the
scene of expected action. Each constable was required to sit on a well.
made-up kitchen fire for one hour daily.
OUTBREAK OF VIOLENCE-PROMPT ARRIVAL OF THE POLICEMAN.
As our readers will already have read in the daily papers, the twenty
thousand rioters who marched from Oldbury were at once intercepted by
The Policeman. The promptness of the authorities in this matter can-
not be too highly commended. We are informed that special trains had
been engaged a week before, and stood ready to pour The Policeman,
at a moment's notice, upon the scene of action, wherever it might
happen to be.
FURTHER ACTION-THE POLICEMAN TRIUMPHANT.
The rioters, to the number of twenty thousand, marched to-day to
attack the ironworks of Messrs. Puddle and Barr, but were successfully
foiled and restrained by The Policeman, who, having received a warning
of their intended doings, at once proceeded to remove the ironworks to
a place of comparative safety. Being unable to obtain assistance, he
performed the whole of this work unaided, the puddling furnaces giving
him no little trouble to carry them. After this he proceeded to take up
a-i advantageous position on the road, and await the rioters.
After much exertion he succeeded in surrounding the mob, which
LATEST PARTICULARS-JEOPARDY OF THE POLICEMAN.
The Policeman was placed to-day in a position of some jeopardy.
Having expected to encounter only some twenty or twenty-five thousand
of the rioters, he had left his staff at home, and was thus somewhat at a
disadvantage, when a mob of some fifty or sixty thousand made its appear-
ance. The irritation of the mob at having been previously baffled by
The Policeman was intense, and showed itself in a thick hail of bricks
and large stones. The Policeman, having had all his limbs broken,
was, after a desperate struggle, tripped up, thrown into a furnace, put
through the rolls, hammered with the steam-hammer, and otherwise
severely handled. His preparatory training alone enabled him to with-
stand the treatment. The mob were at length compelled to retire. The
Policeman has made no arrests.
28 FUN. JOLY 18, 1883.
"HOW THE RICH LIVE:"
BY SHINY SEAMS AND HAL 'LOW I
TURNING to mynotes, I see I still
.have the theatrical subject to deal
with. I seem to experience
N y some difficulty, indeed, in get-
____ ting away from it, but the craze
is so thoroughly eaten into society,
it makes such constant and cruel
demands upon the time and at-
tention of the rich, and it is the
cause of so much of the misery
they endure, that I should be un-
S tue to the object of these papers
were I to spare myself or my
readers one iota of the horrible
details that make the rich man's
life a misery, and himself an ob.
ject of compassion to all the truly
benevolent. It is not only that
'// Ihis time and attention are sub-
/ ejected to so severe a strain, but
/ the object itself is so ridiculous,
trivial, and unsatisfying. The
A GOOD STUDY. theatre is all very well in its
right place (which seems to be
somewhere about the Strand by financial evidence), but that it should
absorb all the thoughts and most of the time of a vast and important
majority of the community is as patent an absurdity as the endeavour of
the frog to assume the proportions of the bull, and, let us hope, will
have the same end. But Fashion has thrown her segis over the lunacy
for the moment, and opposition is frozen into silence I
There are not wanting those who believe the case of the present gene-
ration incapable of remedy. The fever has entered into their blood, and
if you gave them means of emancipation to-morrow they would rig up
stages in their drawing-rooms or back gardens, offering their neighbours
small parts as compensation for disturbance. But I am not one of these
hopeless ones ; already there are not wanting signs of amelioration ; the
constant matinde has done much, and there are chances that the craze,
by its very stupendousness, will grow a common thing, and cease to be
peculiar; and Fashion recoils from commonness and unpeculiarity.
But, meantime, the madness lives and flourishes, and, among other
things, they have established a school for its propagation. This school
may do good never intended, not only by conducing to the commonness
I have spoken of, but by giving young people a sickenerr of the thing
to begin with. It is a visit to this school which is to occupy our atten-
tion this week.
Our first selection is a common enough type. This young lady will
develop into that (in every sense) indifferent actress who, with expres-
sionless eye, immobile face, and metallic voice, remarks -simply
remarks-" Oh, horror-all is lost 1 Nothing remains for me but the
grave I" and retires with cheerfulness.
Very different is the bright-eyed little lady next to her. This is a born
actress: she made play with her eyes in her cradle and behind her rattle,
just as she does now behind her fan. If society had never thought of
theatrical matters, she would still have acted all through her life. She
is always posing prettily, assuming airs of innocence, of shocked sur-
prise, of heartfelt concern, which cannot possibly be real. She is ready
to play any part on the shortest notice-the sympathizing friend, the
innocent romp, the demure maiden-in short, as my collaborator sug-
gests, she is "a good study."
"And your granny teaches you now?" says the kind instructress, as
I finish my notes.
"Yes, teacher; and when I grow up, I'm going to teach granny-
to suck eggs."
So may it be I
There are a lot of pretty girls in the room, and my companion. spends
very much more time in taking sketches than I think necessary; but
I can't get him to come away, even by endeavouring to distract the
young ladies' attention from him to myself. We, however, reach "the
studying-room" at last.
All sorts of faces here-from the wicked tyrant to the comic country-
man, each face the index of the part being studied. Here one, with
lowering brow and scratch-wig, is contemplating murderous revenge ;
next him an "old man" dodders and simpers ; his neighbour again is
asking, with appropriate gesture, the time-honoured question, To be,
or not to be ?" A smock-frocked countryman sits next, opposite to him
a little lady cons the part of the distressed heroine, while beside her a
merry-faced lass is evidently committing to memory the saucy speeches
of some stage waiting-maid. One is being initiated by the teacher into
the mysteries of the "make-up." Farther on sits a comic villain,"
while at the head of the table is a jovial farmer cheek-by-jowl with the
wicked revengeful woman of melodrama.
This is the room in which they learn all the secrets of the craft. Here
they are inducted into the mysteries of wig-paste and bole armenian,
ciepe hair and powder-puff. Here they learn
the correct mode of removing their gloves at
the footlights, of running their eyes round the
frieze, and exclaiming, So this is the place?"
&c., of revealing their inmost thoughts aloud,
of never leaving a room without turning their
back to the door and slapping it open to the
scorn of the handle, of lifting an eyebrow, of
waving a hand, and the thousand other details
that go to make the sum total of this fasci-
The ballet girls are trained in another de-
partment. It is impossible to get my com-
panion away from these until closing-time,
and I have to leave him at last sketching the
artful little vixen in the margin, who is very
aptly described as "more than seven."
And so we leave the school as the scholars
troop (or troupe) out-one pair in particular we
notice dance forth hand-in-hand. They are
MORE THAN SEVEN! in training for Harlequin and Columbine, and
it is a pretty sight, we are told, to see them
dancing homewards in their spangles and gauze, pirouetting and posing
in front of waggons, underneath cab horses, and by the side of omni-
"1H SoTUDY-GOOD CRECHE-OUS I
buses, until they reach home, and papa and mamma take the slap "like
Clown and Pantaloon, and they all finish up with a brisk and lively rally.
(More horrors next week.)
.Tofhle Editorof PUN.)
SIR,- am glad to see that you have taken up the matter of the rich, and how they live. The
thorough-paced ignorance of the subject displayed by both your Commissioners" is highly amus-
ing, and tends considerably to heighten the uproarious merriment always to be derived from your
exhilarating pages. I enclose my card (patntug. glaziering, and jobbing in all its branches at the
shortest notice), and am yours, &c., IVAN KNOW.
(To the Editor- q/ FUN.)
SIR,-YOur articles, though by no means as strong as thy might be, will do excellent service in
calling attention to the useless lives of oligaerchs and members of an effete aristocracy Not pro-
bably till Chamberlain is President and compulsory caucus the law of the land, wiI the shameless
isase oftproperty which yon so fearlessly show up be brought to an end and wealth more equaly
distribute ;but your efforts will do much to furthethe he ood cause. Let Mr Seams and Mr
Low pursue the unholystream-theywillfr1dwor 'eyet/ Yours, &c. THE LION ROUSED.
I We select the above as the on y two favourable tters we can d amid an ovcrwhelmin
mass received. The remainder teem with such re a that or articles are exaggerated
nepyed'" and negentlema ges so far tosa"sh To lf the Shi co .we say
emphast e asy and llrnly, "Ya h I oe--n FUN. as t To....... t
JULY 18, 1883. FU N 29
The Chambord Succession.
FOUR HEIRS AND FANCIES.
IF I am the one selected,
In order to well begin
I'd collar my late respected
Elderly uncle's tin;
I 'd call up the Basques to plunder,
And I 'd bid Brittany advance-
Without me, for I shouldn't wonder
If they didn't like me in France.
Prince Victor Plon-Plon.
I haven't great expectations,
But reason at least to bless
This wisest of dispensations-
There's one pretender the less;
Each king of divine right going
Gives kings of mere luck a chance,
And mine may come soon-I 'm growing,
But not quite so quick as France.
Of course we inherit power,
Of course we inherit pelf;
But, lily, you're but a flower-
The best of all gods is self;
And life may look pretty sunny,
And hope yet may lightly dance,
Provided we get the money,
And leave the power to France.
I don't want to boast about it,
Nor call him a duck and dear,
But, 'pon my word, who can doubt it ?
The one real heir is here.
The legacy's scarce worth trying
By trick of the tongue to enhance;
It's this,-a pretender dying
Must leave added peace to France.
DR. JAPP has written a very interesting article on "Rice"
in a monthly magazine. Although .British born, the learned
doctor writes in quite a Japp-an-easy manner.
A LADIES' MAN. -One who is fond of figures.
WEST HAM.. WALTER FORD, of 67 TEMPLE STREET, HACEKEY ROAD, was
summoned for selling putrid meat to the poor in the Victoria Dock Road. Mr. Phillips
said that he had had two or three cases of that kind from that neighbourhood, and
that they were all as bad as they possibly could be, and he had then most distinctly
said that he would in the next similar case send the defendant to jail without the
option of a fine. It was impossible to conceive a more serious offence than the sale of
putrid food to poor people. He should not send him to prison this time, but impose
a fine of 2o (!11)
You ought to have looked at the magistrate's face
As he listened, in wrath, to the facts of the case;
Oh, the glare of his eye as he angrily broke
Into Fancy I "-s and My I "-s at the baseness of folk I
Oh, the grind of his teeth-why, it frightens me now 1
Oh, the terrible terrible lines on his brow I
A SMART "RETURN."
Caddicombe.-"Y'KNOW, I CALL THIS AN OLD WOMAN'S GAME."
Miss Prettyfert.-" H'M You DON'T SEEM TO PICK IT UP !"
[And CADDICOMBE rather fancied she emphasized "you."
I shudder to think of his minative scowl,
His grim interjections and menacing growl.
And then when his feelings no longer could stand
The tale, and he covered his face with his hand I
And then when his horror asserted its sway,
And he had to be tenderly taken away I
These things the observer will never forget,
They cling to the terrified memory yet;
He withered you bodily up at the time,
Did the deep indignation he felt at the crime.
For years in his study a volume had lain
Descriptive of tortures once practised in Spain;
With awful intentions this volume he took,
And gloated most dreadfully over the book.
He wanted a guide to the way he should treat
The felon who'd vended that horrible meat;
He mused on the "maiden," the bowstring and sack,
He thought of the thumbikins, pendulum, rack,
At length he decided that nothing would slake
The thirstings of justice but death at the stake,
With drawing and quartering, branding, and such,
And feathers and tar as a finishpg.touch.
And when he had fully completed his sketch
Of the terrible punishment meant for the wretch,
He went into court to effect his design
By letting the prisoner off with a fine I
Mr To CoRzuSPoaNuvzs.-ThA Zdit. dou~ umi Mid himujj0 to aehiwuta~, ,vftma or MijW'i Cmiultofgio. Ix mo case uW they hi r#tumgd w4,s
accW aniutd h' uuaMfiod axd dk,;ctd auvdo,i.
30 F U S JULY 18, 1883.
i. Some came down on Bicycles. 2. Getting under Canvas. 3. A Highlander. 4. A Man with many "Points," though not the Winner of the Queen's Prize.
5. Positions at the Butts.
NEW LEAVES. FUN'TlS FU'YTT' BQOOTS.
The Squire sets a rich and varied entertainment before its readers. FULL OF COMIC PICTURES. One Shilling each; ost-free, is. sA
Its "Book Parcel and Post-Bag are always worth opening.
The Theatre.-The portraits this month are of Miss Ellen Terry and
Mr. Hermann Vezin. There are three remarkable sets of verses, "The FUN'8 COMIOAL CREATURES8.-COMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
Vale of Tears," by the Editor; "At the Gate," by H. Herman; and "Inwcmehi o odausigo grtsue dvrs nas aim ais bet G arethan six o
"The Whirlpool," by Arthur W. Pinero; and other valuable matter. FUN'8 HOLIDAY BOOK,-COMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
Macmillan's.-" The Wizard's Son" continues in the foremost place, It Is replete with wi and humour, ad admirably suited forlesre redig."-DoeeGae.
and there is an instalment of "Fortune's Fool," besides many other FUNls ON tHeAN&t C huMo, PICTREb ON EVerYiPanE."
papers of moment and of mark. FUN ON THE 8ANDS,-COMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
pprs o m a o m For the road, rail, and river
Tinsley reaches us (after a long interval) in its sixpenny form. It is THE ESSENCE OF FUN.-CM RrCTURE ON dEVR AGE
aslustsaoos and teeming withtjolces.".-Sje.,oos,.
Household Words has the continuation of "Fair and False," many
other stories equally good, and lots of "Odds and Ends."
The Century and St. Nicholas are both full of most delicious work. J. F. SULLIVAN'S WORKS. Boards, s. 6d. ; fost-free, 3s. each.
They run hand-in.hand (we had almost said neck.and-neck), and are THE BRITISH WORKING MAN, by One who does not Believe in Him.
"beautiful to behold." AND OTHER SKETCHES.
The Leisure Hour, Sunday at Home, Boy's Own Paper, and Girl's However funny or grotesque Mr. Sullivan's pictures are, there is nearly always a serious purpose
Own Paper are ever looked forward to with pleasure, and read with profit. In them, a we dose his book wiser, if not sadder, from its pers.--Grajhic
7ke Lark, No. 2, contains "Songs, Ballads, and Poems," by W. C. THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, And Other Sketches.
Bennett, which are characterized by all the vigorous and forcible expres- INCLUDING THE COMPLETE BUILDER.
sion for which he is notable. "His letterpress is as funny as are his drawings. We hall with real pleasure his volume."-
Longman's.-In Mr. Payn's Thicker than Water the plot thickens, W hitAat nReiew
the interest deepens, and the reader is left at a specially attractive point. "FUN OFFICE, 3 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.
"The LIFAN Rinob lanyd" I I I. e a o
Macilln's he izad'sSo" cniusi h oeotpae U' OIA OK-OI I` SO VR AE
an hr s nisamnto IFrun' ol"beie ayote ,I s elt ih i n uouadamral utdfo esr eaig'-odat aek
JAMES' GOLD MEDAL ad b y'S
for Excellence of CUIN0I
Quality and CAUTION. If
Cleanliness in use. lD O M Cocoa thickens in the
BEWdE anewuprocuM E SixprPie Medaisawanr L AC
B LAO K LEA D e n 91*5powlseaoh nor sport, th Coto
BEWARE of Worthless Imitations. ampe'oS.6dA.post-e.e.7tam eptothel.f,as,,ne,~,e PURE II 80LUBLE !I REFRESHING I11
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at X53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July x8th, 1883.
TULY 25, 1883. U31
THE ONLY TIME HE TREMBLED.
Ancient Mariner,-" HEV I SEEN ACTIVE SARVIS? AY, AY I ON EVERY SEABOARD IN THE WORLD A'MOST. YARD-ARM TO YARD-
ARM, AND RAKIN' FORE AN' AFT, TILL YOU'D THINK ALL THE THUNDER IN THE- SKY WAS LET LOOSE AT ONST." (EDWIN and
ANGELINA think him a most interesting character.)
Angelina.-" DID YOU EVER WISH YOURSELF OUT OF AN ENGAGEMENT?"
Ancient Mariner.-" ON'Y ONST, MARM; THAT WAS MY FIRST ENGAGEMENT-TO GET MARRIED I" (EDWIN and ANGELINA con-
sider him a horrid person.)
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
SOMETHING ABOUT GOODWOOD.
SIR,-I said last week that I would give unlimited tips for Goodwood
in this letter; but I am a turf prophet, and no reliance whatever is to be
placed upon my word. I shall not give you unlimited tips; I shall give
you one. Next week I shall give the rest. It's no good expecting me
to hurry, because I shan't do it. Here is, first of all, my
TIP FOR THE GOODWOOD STAKES.
Consider the Prophet a man of his word
(Survive, if you can, the exertion),
And look for Thebais to fly like a bird
And punish half-hearted desertion;
There's Shrewsbury-Shrewsbury, plucky and game I-
Would eat up the field for his dinner;
Dethroned is for ever belying his name,
But Alizon I take for the winner.
As I said before, the others next week ; but meantime keep your eye
on Knight of Burghley for the Steward's Cup, and on Barcaldine, Dutch
Oven, and Border Minstrel for the Goodwood Cup. If you have another
eye about you anywhere, you might keep it on Baliol or Goggles for the
Chesterfield. Final tip, don't engage too heavily on the strength of
these tips. Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
A WRITER in a daily paper calls the Renshaw Brothers "the two
Dromios of lawn tennis." In their exciting match for the championship
at Wimbledon, however, they can hardly be said to have made a comedy
of errors." On that occasion each Ren-shawly seemed to have an
On the Pleasures of Memory.
MR. STOKES, who is well known for his endeavours to make memory
"hold its seat in this distracted globe," has been engaged to display his
marvellous mnemonic feats at the Westminster Aquarium on Mondays,
Wednesday, and Thursdays at two o'clock. We know a few borrowers
on whom we should like the professor to experiment, for they always
aver that their failure to settle up arises from sheer forgetfulness. Mr.
"Memory" Stokes (like a certain published-every-Wednesday-at-153-
Fleet-Street-price-one-penny-periodical of a comic character) claims to
be able to diffuse a merry element" among all and sundry, and though
not given to table-tapping siances, he declares that his system "cheers
the spirits." Mr. S. also announces a method of rapid drawing." This
should especially commend itself to the theatrical-managerial mind.
But the whole entertainment will be found to be highly interesting to
all classesof society.
A Ready Reply.
REFERRING to a special telegram, announcing that "the state of af-
fairs at Herat may be said to be normal," an evening paper asks, "But
what is the normal condition of Herat ? to which FUN thus responds-
You ask, What's Herat's normal state ?"
And FUN replies, in mood emphatic,
"Lo I it must strike the dullest pate
That Herat's normal state's (H)erratic.
Pray note these lines, and understand 'em-
That's all. Quod (H)erat demonstrandum."
VEGETARIAN diet has been impugned-without cause, however. A
good and sustaining dinner may be made of two thick slices of bread
and butter-with a pound of rump-steak between,
VOL. XXXVIII.--NO 950
32 FUN. JULY 25, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
SF Mr. Willie Edouin were to take the
last act of A Dream, or Binks' Photo-
graph Gallery (my! what a title for
clumsiness I) and, by a judicious use of
the pruning-knife, cut out every bit of
it, the result would be a thoroughly en-
S i '. joyable evening's entertainment. Per-
S,, haps I wouldn't really recommend
/y uite such a drastic remedy, for that act
is the means of bringing into promi-
nence the very considerable and unique
"' : ability of a more than ordinarily clever
company; but it is deplorably dull, all
(, jthe same, after the first quarter of an
hour (and it took an hour and a half to
THE AVENUE.--KITTY BINKS, AND play on the first night 1). The reason
LIVELY AS A KITT'UN, TOO! is obvious : all the wild, recklessly
comic, opera-bouffe, acrobatic, music
hall, and "entertainment" incidents,
clever and amusing enough in themselves, are purposeless, and without
aim as far as any story goes, and consequently wearisome to an audience
that has come to see a play, and feels that the story is kept waiting out-
side on the doorstep too long.
But the piece is quite worth going to see again and again, if only for
the perfect comedy of the first act (some very slight bits of pantomime
excepted, but which are not objectionably offensive). This act is a pic-
ture of prosperous and affectionate home life quite idyllic, and the
comedy feeling of the performers most excellent and true; the manner,
bearing, and action
of all are in delight-
ful harmony with the ,-*' "i
general picture, and ,' IIi
abound in those
subtle and almost un-
noticed details which
convey the sense of ,.
reality. The second r s
act is wholly unwor- i T
thy of connection
with such an artistic "
conception. There- t ,I
evolving scene is in- ,
genius, but there
was an unfortunate,
though not very seri-
ous, hitch about it
when I saw it. THE AVENUE.-GRANDPA AND GRANDnmA'S PAS.
The company, as I have hinted, is a clever one. Mr. Edouin himself,
both as the genial and humorous senile Binks, and as the same gentle-
man when an eccentric-mannered and seedy photographer, is exceed-
ingly quaint. There is a steady prosperous middle age in every eye-
lash of Mr. Richard Golden's Thomas Binks, and he even manages to
make more than something out of that modern incubus, the "masher "
(here christened, as is the American habit, a "dude "-and long may
the ghastly term remain on the other side of the Atlantic). Mr. James
T. Powers is most remarkable for his acrobatic and pantomimic feats,
which are mirth-provoking and, to a reason-
able extent, novel. His acting is good too;
but his delivery, burdened with his native
intonation, is at times rapid to unintelligi-
bility. Miss Alice Atherton very worthilye
reustains the rble of leading lady: her old
FMrs. Binks is a very finished study, and her
Ruby Chillington (aged 21) as good as cir-
umstances allow;: her impersonations ofice-
lebritieand, as n a picture frame are clever-Rip
THE A .-BI, an Winkle wonderfully good; and her
PH!TOGS. reading" of the part of the injured heroine
A: Kin a burlesque on the eccentricities of melo-
rama (a somewhat musty subject, by thet
way), is very freshly funny. Miss Victoriame
Reynolds makes a capital and sprightly so"Annie.
brette: her dancing powers are considerable,
and, as was to be expected I suppose, Ame.
THE AvENue.-BINKs, THE rican-which means, in this instance, full of
PHOTOGRAPHER, IN HIS queer and unexpected turns. Miss Dora
PHo!).ToGS. Wiley is the singing member-they all sing
-and discourses sweetly; but she is not guiltless ot the common crime
of good singers. Why can they never sing a simple ballad like "Annie
Laurie" to the proper notes? I'd forgive them the out-of-character
cadenzas and flourishes if they'd only give me the right notes when they
them. Is it
=- extra high
The c g art to sing
i Miss Nata-
f r e Yt ( te elie Brande
aand by no
THE AVENUE.-ECCENTRIC POWERS AND GOLDEN YOUTH. point in the
The chronology of the piece is a little confusing. The first act is
dated certainly not much later than the present century; the second,
forty-five years earlier. Yet (with the exception of one lady, who wears
something rather like what the costume of the period may be supposed
to have been; Binks, whose apparel it is impossible to date, it is so
dilapi-dated; one lady who appears as a sort of glorified Swiss peasant;
and another, whose dress, with the exception of the hat, was never worn
at any time in any country, except that peculiar land behind the foot-
lights) the costume, manners, customs, and characters are essentially
those of the present year of Grace-conspicuously so the "masher" be-
fore mentioned. But I suppose it
don't matter, and one needn't make
one's hair grey trying to reconcile
things. The acting is good, the singing
is fair, the dancing is first-rate, and the
whistling chorus is so funny that even
Miss Atherton herself is obliged to
laugh; so what more is to be desired?
Mr. Joseph Derrick's extremely funny
Confusion, produced at a Vaudeville
matine two months ago, and fully a
noticed by us at the time," has been ,, s
promoted to the evening bill for a short
summer season. Mr. Groves, Miss
Larkin, and Mr. F. Thorne repeat their
remarkably clever performances, and, THE AVENUE.-THE ACTRESS AND
with some changes from the original HER BROUGH'M.
cast, the piece goes with roars from be-
ginning to end. Mr. H. A. Jones's An Old Master opens the programme,
Mr. Thomas Thorne playing the principal part in a very pleasantly
tender vein, not without-heartiness.
Mr. Lubimoff, the Russian tragedian, apologizes "all round" to those
members of the Press who found themselves without seats at his recent
matinle. The Press can do no better than accept the apology as
heartily as it is tendered, and as I do for my part.
A friend of mine took me by the buttonhole and said, "I am in-
terested in Miss
Alleyn; go to the
E -- Pavilion and see
her, if you can."
SOf course I can do
anything for a friend.
IF I went, and I hadn't
f, seen the lady five
minutes before I
became interested in
rather far afield, and
she only plays for
three more nights;
but any one with a
taste for real and
coming talent should
HE AVENUE.-THE PHOTOGRAPHER WISHES TO TAKE and see theigrimage
HER, BUT HE DOESN'T WANT A NEGATIVE.e
JULY 25, 1883. FUN 33
At the Lambeth Police Court a boy was charged with throwing stones in a public thoroughfare. The magistrate inquired how it was that 'a young and
respectable lad' was locked up for such an offence, and discharged the boy."
S ',1 :, ,' ', .... i ii ,JI I .....- i 'IW ni ', ii 'i
with a stone, has he, sir? Very sorry, I'm sure; but I aren't take him in charge because he's a young and respectable lad.
Here's his papers and certificate from the magistrate to prove it.
"Dear me, what's that? said the magistrate indignantly. Why, if there isn't a scoundrel in the act of dragging a log of wood across the railway
line! I'll go and give him in charge. Eh? Why, it's one of my brother magistrate's young and respectable lads! I really beg pardon for interrupting-
pray proceed. I am so short-sighted." Which was true.
So here's a hint to those who may suffer at the hands of the young and respectable lad-box his ears well till they are nice and red, then roll him in some
black mud and rumple his hair. Then when you take him before the magistrate, the latter will think he's a common, wicked, dirty boy, and punish him I
34 FU T JULY 25, 883.
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
THAT BOND OF UNITY.
TIME-A few years hence.
FIRST ENTHUSIASTIC UTOPIAN (exchangeable term for "Share-
holder in the Channel Tunnel Company "). And only to think that the
absurd Parliamentary Committee of 1883 should have failed to report
in favour of such a scheme I
SECOND ENTH. UTOPIAN. And that, after all, the Tunnel, now an
accomplished fact, should be going to be opened this very day, and that
we should be running down to join in the Dover-Calais festivities I
FIRST ENTH. UTOPIAN (with a bright inspiration). What I say is,
it needed but this link to unite the clasped hands of the twin nationali-
ties in a warm grip of sympathetic and overflowing brotherhood-to
cement the sympathetic-a-sympathies of two fraternal-nay, brotherly
-nations into an adamantine and fervent bond of-of-sympathizing-
a-sympathy-to bind together in a mutual-
SECOND E. U. Bond of loving and mutually appreciative bondage--
FIRST E. U. Exactly-bondage-no, no; not bondage-the-
never mind; the eternal well-spring of the throbbing affections of an
undying and interresponsive-a-peoples. Eh ?
SECOND E. U. I 've always thought the very same myself. There's
no doubt that all difficulties and jealousies between England and France
are now banished for ever, while a freer intercourse, to which sea-sick-
ness is an utter stranger, shall create a better understanding between
- Eh ? But here we are at Dover. What a wonderful display of
flags I What marquees I What overflowing champagne What bands
of music 1 What sumptuous banquets, and what patriotic and liberally
public-minded moral speeches by the directors of the interested com-
pany What universal rejoicing !-But what is this? A hush has fallen
on the assembled rejoicers-an ugly rumour goes round-
J l :. .I ,i .'.' i '!?,, ,
FIRST E. U. It gathers force I It is to the effect that he is coming
through the Tunnel. There is general and silent gloom and foreboding
upon the faces around; the sky has clouded, and it begins to rain; the
champagne has turned sour. See, he emerges from the Tunnel I He is
under the impression that the Tunnel belongs exclusively to him. He
is flinging the glasses about and swearing at England. He is pouring
the soup over Sir Edward Watkin. France supports his claim
(for he is M. de Lesseps) to the Tunnel, and a war is imminent between
the two countries. No. Joy I The war has been averted by the sur-
render of the Tunnel to M. de Lesseps. France has satisfactorily ex-
plained that he has a delusion that all canals and tunnels belong to him,
and that he must be humoured and have all he lays claim to, or it might
affect his brain. "The bond of fraternal etcetera between the two
nations is happily restored." Confound the bond I Who wants any
fraternal bond? What I look at is that we've lost all the money we
put into the Tunnel Company !
FIRST EXCLUSIVE INSULARIST (formerly FIRST ENTHUS. UTO-
PIAN). Now Lesseps has got through the Channel Tunnel, he won't go
away. Never mind, let us forget our troubles in the rejoicings over the
opening of the new East London Bridge. What joy among the crowd
of East Londoners What bunting I What- But a gloomy silence
falls upon this assemblage too I Ha I Yes, he has taken up his position
on the centre of the new bridge, and is wildly waving his hat. There
are straws in his hair. He is hoisting the French flag. He claims the
bridge, and refuses to be given in charge. There is imminent danger of
a war with France, as France has telegraphed that he is not to be given
in charge. Hopes of peace have happily been restored by the conces-
sion of the East London Bridge to Lesseps.
SECOND EXCL. INSUL. Allow me to congratulate you upon the
definitive and final settlement of the long uncertain relations between
England and France.
FIRST EXCL. INSUL. I will. How delightful that a lasting peace
should be secured on such cheap terms as the surrender of all British
canals and bridges to Lesseps-the former owners to maintain them and
pay him a subsidy for possessing them, and he to charge a toll to the
public for the use of them. Hooray I Live the fraternal bond I
SET TO THE AIRS OU
No. 4.--A SONG
AIR-" Bright Cha
Hark I hark I tantivy I
All over the world they're seen.
But let us, while we 're in the mind,
Look out for other news :
Here Lincoln's bishop has resigned,
And put us in the blues;
And Wimbledon is over now-
A Scotchman took the pri7e,
Which came and made us all, I vow,
Quite speechless with surprise.
Then hey, ho, chivy 1
Hark forward I hark forward tantivy I
More news I Tantivy 1
Come give us more supplies.
The Eton-Harrow match-sad dole-
Has ended in a draw,
With Marchant's bat and Parker's bowl
To give it an eclaw!
The Agricult'ral Show at York
Was all that one could wish;
And see I Columbia Market I lork !
They've opened it for fish I
Then hey, ho, chivy I
Monopolists all are-tantivy I-
They've opened it for fish !
The Strait Tip.
THE French are now proposing to make a tunnel under tunnel under the Straits of
Gibraltar. Such a proceeding, if permitted, might involve England in
straits of quite another kind. This Strait idea savours somewhat of a
crooked policy, and we think that the proposed (Gibr)altar-ation is not
likely to find favour.
ADVICES from Holm Island report the breaking out of a great fire
at Dram. The origin of the fire is not stated, but it is presumed to have
arisen from spontaneous combustion. This Dram seems, by all accounts,
to have been pretty strong, not to say fire-y. The effect of the fire is
said to have been highly dram-atic.
A Question of Freshness.
FISHMONGER.-" Stale, marm, stale? Why, Lord bless your soul I
we 've only been opened here a week, and we didn't 'ave them there
soles when we came here 1"
SOME persons have been known to charge certain M.P.s with want of
courtesy and polish. Yet, a night or two ago, the "Commons" gladly
welcomed back their Manners to the House. This refers to Lord John
of that ilk, whom FUN rejoices to see restored to health again.
OF THE WEEK.
R FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES,
WHICH GOES-A LONG WAY.
nticleer proclaims the Dawn."
Is all the world
Have other na-
tions, do you
A shadow of a
It's Tunis now,
And then it's
'-'- Tonkin been;
-i l Anon these en.
p-a-:C terprising men
-- In Tamatave
Then hey, ho,
For the Suez Ca-
nal, tantivy I
FRENCH AND ENGLISH.
A TUG FOR THE SUEZ CANAL.
FROM distant times, whose misty trace
We can't pursue,
A tugging pastime has found grace
This country through:
'T is a good muscle-stretching game,
And "French and English" is its name.
Comfrenez vous ?
A line-that represents, perhaps,
The silver streak "-
Divides the rope-compelling chaps
Who victory seek;
Then both sides to their task incline,
Till one hauls t'other 'cross the line.
The discords we've just lit upon
Past doubt proclaim
In politics they carry on
The same old game.
Both French and English try to do
Their best-each other :-but, Mossoo,
Ah, loi quej'aime!
Bpt I O
HINDU COOK'S TOURS.
A Bombay native paper says a sprt of Cook's Travelling Society is to be established, to bring
Hindu students, merchants, &c., to England cheaply, all religious exigencies being observed.
LOOK forward, coming season-
You cannot well look back-
And plan exotic sprees on
The coming of the black-
The black, the brown, or yellow,
We can't yet state his hue;
But welcome a good fellow
In Cook's Hindu.
Not like the rush of 'Arries,
Clad in audacious tweeds,
On Athens, Rome, or Paris,
Will come these better breeds;
And not Mossoo's persuasion
That all things cost two sous,
Will stamp this new invasion
Of Cook's Hindu.
No, not by joke and gesture
Will they tell how they've supped;
No, not by voice and vesture
Will they our taste corrupt.
His gestures may teach breeding
In Masher-lands not new;
His cooks may teach fine feeding,
E'en Cook's Hindu.
And seen, perchance, reflected
In polished skins our own,
Some dolts may see detected
A certain lack of tone;
And some may wail, He '11 win us
By tact and taste, it's true;
But what can he see in us,
The Cook's Hindu?"
.JULY 25, 1883. F U N 39
A letter in the A thenten lately drew attention to the subject of in-
surance of authors' manuscripts against loss by fire or other accidental
AH, joy I A splendid notion, a suggestion really grand,
Is this which I've been reading in a paper just to hand;
Long, long has it been needed, to save genius from distress,
Some system of insuring a poor author's MSS.
The idea has often struck me, and I've thought, "What
should I do
Should aught destroy my manuscripts ?" (I have a tidy few).
Two chests of drawers (large ones) and six trunks do I
Besides some smaller boxes,-full of precious MSS.
Should the devouring element" (" Reporterese" for "fire")
Make havoc of my writings, it would rouse my grief and ire;
Or should the saturating hose of firemen make a mess,
It quickly might reduce to pulp my precious MSS..
Yet e'en should this insurance start, what value could I set
Upon these bantlings of my brain? (They 've not been pub-
But if the world could see them, they would meet with great
Men would praise my name for ever, for my priceless .MSS.)
For instance, here's a drama (I have written many more),
It has dialogue most brilliant, and sensations, too, galore;
No manager will take it, which is stupid, you 'll confess-
Why, a million scarce would pay me for these precious MSS.
And here, in this big bundle, are some poems sound and
That would crush, ay, into nothingness, all other works of
Were these to see the light I should be Laureate-no less-
Would the Koh-i-noor repay me should I lose these MSS. ?
Here are novels I have written-full of power and pathos
Yet that they should blush unread by all (save me) stern Fate
Here are farces that would make you scream-burlesques that
What insurance could repay me for such glorious MSS.?
I have thought of purchasing some safes my writingsto protect, A (CAM)PA I (G) N FUL JOKE.
But till something I have penned is bought, that thought I BucolicPassenger.-" I SUPPOSE, SIR, YEW WOULDN'T HA' CARED TO HA'
must reject. CAMPED DOWN AT THIS 'ERE WIMMLEDON WHEN THEM WET DAYS WAS ?"
And a BRUTE suggests, could I insure, I might get something Town Traveller.-" No; I SHOULD RATHER HAVE DE-CAMPED.
-yes- CAMP(P)AIGNS ARE ALL VERY WELL IN THEIR WAY, BUT NOT WHEN
He hints I else shall ne'er get paid for any MSS. I THEY RESULT IN RHEUMATIC ONES."
THE CURLING CHAMPIONSHIP. And each of the number had gained a cup,
A belt, or a medal, for curling up;
And where is the need to explain that they
Were awfully proud of their ruling trait?
___--_Some cruel fatality made them fix
On Wimbledon Camp to display their tricks,
For all of a sudden they spied a sight
That turned one and all of 'em deadly white-
There, holding some weapon, a creature lay
That made their supremacy fade away I
r aThey sought its identity, blue with rage,
In vain upon Science's learned page;
; They couldn't discover one word about
This creature who'd beaten them out and out
And each so wondered and worried his brain
A LOT of queer creatures of complex stamp That he'll never be right in his wits again.
Went off on a visit to Wimbledon Camp;
And some belonged to the natural tribes
Which science, admitting as facts, describes, Four-footed Conundrums.
While others were such as you ne'er shall see Way is an ewe who has strayed from the flock like a prisoner who is
On the page of a natural historee. giving a speech for his defence ?-Because he has a right to be herd.
But every-one-of-them's ruling phase Baa, baa I
Was his strangely voluted and curly ways; What is the difference between a horse being transhipped for a cam-
The object of each's aspiring lot paign and the Crystal Palace during the Electric Exhibition ?-One is
Was tying himself in the queerest knot; let down and the other's lit up. Neigh, neigh I
And none of their club had a word to say Why would a cat make a good sportswoman ?-Because she likes to
To a creature devoid of that ruling trait, go to the meat. Meow, meow I
Why is a dog who goes into the sea like a gentleman going abroad to
For they of the club were the most select, Kissengen for the benefit of his health ?-Because he takes the water.
The cleverest creatures in this respect; Bow, wow I
40 FUN. JuLY 25, 1883.
"HOW THE RICH LIVE;"
By SHINY SEAMS AND HAL 'LOW!
IF I were asked to say offhand what was the greatest curse of the
rich, and what was the greatest blessing, I should turn it over in my mind
for an hour or so. Then I
think my answer to the
first query would be, Con.
tinental travel, which com-
pels them to journey by sea;
and to the second, bed.
Of course I might be wrong
-such a thing might occur.
Many people will advance
the fact that Britannia rules
the waves as sufficient rea-
son that her sons should be
more than comfortable upon
the stormy billow, and it is
just possible that it affords
the shivering, wrapped-up,
nal-machine working in -
the-insided traveller, de.
picted below, as much sa-
tisfaction as the Ruler of
the Queen's Navee (who,
we all know, "never
goes to sea ") to recall the
"Her march is o'er the moun-
tain wave, THE CHANN
Her home is on the deep."
His soul, for all we know, may be swelling with pride at the thought
of the Briton's birthright to rule the waves; and in spite of the probably
approaching imperative necessity of calling into requisition the services
of the steward, he may complacently reflect that "all his shall be the
Same time I don't think so.
But there can't be much doubt about the bed. It is the only refuge
the rich man has. Out in the world, he may have to plod round picture
galleries that must be "done," till back and head are wracked; to dance
attendance, with active corns in drawing boots, upon exacting duchesses
at flower shows; to blister knee and shin on horseback; to spoil diges-
tion and ruin health at public dinners; to weary limb and brain at balls;
but bed releases and relieves him from all. There, and there only, is he
free from the heartless and grinding demands of society. It is part of
these heartless and grinding demands that he is'often kept from it-which
is not one of the least of the evils the rich have to endure-but once
there, he can defy society. The mask of politeness, the fashionable
dress, all, all are cast aside, and as the tired slave to circumstances creeps
between the blankets with a contented sigh, the feathery billows rise
around him on every side, and shut out the world of exaction and cruelty
in which the rich man's lot is cast.
What wonder if at times he shows a strong reluctance to quit the haven I
But many, for varying reasons,
r are unable to go to bed. Balls, as
I have already hinted, may keep
them up; or perhaps they are
Members of Parliament, and there
is a consecutive all-night sitting for
I *several weeks; or they have de-
voted themselves so conscientiously
to discharging the duties of their
position that their brains have grown
confused and unable to remember
where they live, their legs weak
and wandering and unable to sup-
/ port them, so that they have nothing
left to do but to sit contentedly in
the middle of the road and smile;
) A others, again, are abroad on the
deep in the first stage of that Con-
"DONE UP" IN A PACKET. Ob, the horrors of that Channel
passage I The narrow hall" of a
suburban dwelling is nothing to that passage. If you could truly picture
to yourself what the poor things who are compelled to take it have to suffer,
you would bury your face in your pocket-handkerchief, and run to the
side at once.
One case which we came across in our wanderings I will endeavour to
describe, and my companion will endeavour to sketch, if he is well
The cabin was no better and no worse than hundreds of its class (first
and saloon). It was small and confined-more like a cupboard, shelves
and all, than anything else-and smelt of varnish and up-all-night oiL
and small, suggestively-
gurgling wash-basin, the
usual porthole, occasionally
obscured by an extra dash
of the sea that rushed by
with an incessant hiss. The
thud of the engines and the
slow, monotonous move-
ment of a secretive chain,
mixed with the creak of the
timber and the wail of a
swinging oil-lamp, were all
that broke the deathlike
stillness. On the lower
S"shelf" lay a woman,
young, lovely, and accom-
plished, but pale and
clammy; by her side stood
an inverted hat-box with
a glass of brandy upon it.
Her husband (she was a
bride scarce ten hours old,
and on her wedding trip)
had flung his great-coat
over her ere hurrying away.
"'He was feeling queer,"
she whispered to us in a
weak and (so to speak) pale
EL TURN-ILL. voice; "the breakfast was
rather rich, and he had
gone out to try and get a breath of fresh air." One shuddered to think
of him, changing about on the upper-deck trying to discover in what
part of the packet lay the least motion.
As one realized the meaning of this scene, and knew that it was only
one of many daily enacted within postal reach of the happy poor who
never have to travel-nay, who regard with callous indifference the suf.
ferings of their less happy betters-one could understand the sigh of envy
of the former that rises daily from the bosom of the latter.
As I am drawing to the end of this chapter, my collaborator reminds
me that there is a drawing I haven't "worked in" yet; there it is
below, and I don't quite know what to make of it. Stop a bit; sup-
pose I make him the steward? Yes, that 'll do; I'll make him the
This is the steward. He is a light-hearted, jovial young fellow, who
makes light of the sufferings of his clients, and has a way of recommend-
ing brandy every ten minutes, which must have an exceedingly satisfac.
tory effect upon the refreshment returns, in which he is suspected of
having a personal interest. In his gayest moments he gives imitations
of popular actors. In our sketch
he is imitating Mr. Toole, or Mr.
Irving, or Mr. Bancroft, it is diffi-
cult to decide which; and passes, I
should say, some not unhappy hours
among his brandy-bottles and huge
(More grimnesses next week.)
(To the Editor of FuN.)
SIR,-1I quite agree with your contribu-
tars, Mr. Seams and Mr. 'Low, and your
correspondents, in their estimate of the
dreadful trials of the "Rich," and shall be
happy to lecture on the subject up and down
the country for as long as you like at a
fair salary. Yours affectionately,
(To the Editor of FUN.)
SxR,-May I suggest that a subscription
list be opened in your columns to which
the rich may contribute so that they may
have an opportunity which they will doubt- THE STEWARD.
less seize with avidity, of getting rid of the
wealth which is the ruitful source of their dreadful misery? I shall be happy to re-
ceive any sums whatever and expend them judiciously upon myself to the best of my
ability. Yours, &c.,
M. P, Q. Nyos.
JULY 2S, 1883.
* A -~ ~ -- h-, *'.Z--~~- _05
A "TOUCH" UP.
Lady.-" You SHOULD TOUCH YOUR HAT WHEN YOU SEE A LADY, LITTLE BOY !"
Boy.-"WELL, I NEVER SEE ANYTHING THAT 'UD TOUCH YOUR I"
Joseph Connolly, of Spitalfields, was charged before Sir Robert Carden with a
serious assault. Prisoner took prosecutor by the collar and wanted to toss him for
beer, and attempted to kick him. Then prosecutor struck him with his cane, and
prisoner seized him by the throat, kicked him in the knee, and broke his collar-bone.
Sr R. Card, exessed his regret t at prosecutor hadstreck the prisoner, as that
prevented his dealing with the case in the manner he desired.
THE novice and the innocent are frequently at fault
When trying to proceed against a party for assault;
When pleading to the magistrate, they ignorantly place
Their confidence on equity-and then they lose the case.
To properly embark upon and nicely carry out
The lagging of a vagabond for knocking you about,
SRequires a special faculty, and isn't to be done,
Like firing off a blunderbuss, by any mother's son.
It needs the self-forgetfulness, the rigid self-restraint,
The stolid single-mindedness and patience of a saint,
And many other qualities not commonly supplied
To fallible and feeble human beings far and wide.
To help intending candidates for damage and redress,
We've mentioned just a thing or two it's prudent to possess;
And now a lot of trouble and confusion it will save
To tell 'em, in a word or two, the way they must behave.
We 11 say there comes a rowdy, and the rowdy knocks him down,
He musn't be indignant, and he musn't even frown;
But, seeming to decidedly enjoy it, all the while
And during all the subsequent proceedings, he must smile.
We'll take it that the rowdy, having nicely got him down,
Shall set himself to batter him, from feet of him to crown,
With bites and boots and bludgeons, as shall suit his little whims,
And finish his experiments by breaking all his limbs.
The victim must be heedful that at each succeeding whack
He doesn't show vindictiveness, and hit the rowdy back :
Success-if he survive it all-his enterprise may crown-
But mind, he quite annihilates his chances by a frown I
GAUZES are being largely worn just now. These ought to gauze
striking effects. Doubtless, ere long, many a smitten youth will exclaim,
" It is the gauze I it is the gauze, my soul I "
Scottish plaid costumes, marked according to the different clans, are
much in vogue. They are only worn clan-destinely, we presume.
Tulle and aerophane bonnets are very fashionable. We should think,
however, that they are tu(lle) likely to give the wearer an aer-of-feigning.
Large hats," says a writer on summer dress, "give youthful pretty
faces a very Watteau-like effect." Watt-eau-ver the face ?
It is said that braid trimming, in imitation of potato-peelings, is about
to become fashionable. What a strange method of ap-peeling to the
eye! It may suit some of a certain "kidney," but we certainly prefer
a more flowery wear.
41 To CoxRnspomxxirs-7lu Ed! Aw does not bbid lzimseij to acknwlwedge, Pvtrorfafr nfwam In no ease wil they' be returned usiesa
accomioaxied ii' a utamfied and 79;1d 'e nvrivlo,.
JULY 25, 1883.
ECHOES FROM THE CRICKET FIELD.
"Slip." The Gentleman who was "bold" (bowled). An "Overthrow." A "Leg Hit."
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT. honourable friend," c'est A dire, ze Membare for I. Encore Corrupt
N ze Lords on Surday e Practice for ze last time. Houp-l !
N ze Lords on Suralsdaybur, ze On Monday ze Lords are agi, parce qu'ils croent ze Board School of
desire toulys, know vat have ze School Board (_'espre I have got zis right vays up), is tiop dur
h ., in Madagascar, and pour les petits enfants, too hard for ze leetle heads; but Lord Carlingford
S vezzare ze ship of var has say it is nozzink but newspaper scare-ze school managares know zeir
Sne zare encore. Milor vork, and ze Board vill not interfere vit zem.
G.ranvile inform ze House In ze Commons Sir Norscote tro over ze agreement entre M. de
zat ze only ship moving A Lesseps and ze Government enough cold vatare for half a dozen canals.
y ... p resent in ze affair is states- Ven ve go into Supply ze Membare for I remark zere are only tree ships
manship, and from ze poli. of ze English Navy at Madagascar, vile zere are seven vaisseaux Franfais.
Sesse of ze Gouvernement His question is rule out of order.
Franqais zare is no reason Tuesday.-Tree English engineers have on board un vaisseau
to fear collision. d'Espagne been put in irons in ze Red Sea. Ze irons have enter ze soul
S In ze Commons ze Bill of Lord Salisbury. De plus at Singapore ze Spanish capitaine have take
.of ze District Railvay is no notice of ze writ of have his corpus. Earl Granville reply ze remedy
read tree time; mais, il of ze men is in ze pays auquel ze ship belong. Maintenant, it is all right
I semble zat ze Board of up to now.
Vorks have not sat enough Aprys cda Lord Granville, like Otello to ze Ghost of Hamlet, "unfold
upon ze blow-holes. Ma an unvarnished plain tale to ze Lords regarding ze Suez Canal. Milor
foil ze row made by ze Salisbury sink it would be bettare vit more English influence and less
railvay company and ze stupides who have back zem is more great Lesseps.
nuisance zan zeir smoke. Du course, ze Membare for I, tandis qu'il est Toujours perdrix. In ze Commons again we have ze Suez Canal.
Americain, is up regarding vat he call ze insult to ze English flag. I Mafoi! I hope zey vill cut it short, if it is cut at alL Mr. Childers tell
say he should leave it to Englishmen. Ze Premier, in Grand Old us all about ze capital and interest of ze compagnie; some Membares
Manly speech, justify ze pension to Prince Lucien Bonaparte. Bientdt sink it capital joke, and ver interesting.
aprbs he inform Messieurs Monk, M'Coan, and Sir Norscote vat is Encore aussi ze Membare for I, who seem to vant to fan ze flame in
matter of history, zat ze money subscribe for ze Canal of M. de Lesseps Madagascar. I saIl call him Jingo Junior. At last ve go into Com-
vas raise in ze belief zat his rights vere exclusive. Sir Lawson try mittee on ze Agricultural Holdings Bill vit great hoorays.
ver hard to raise ze Bradlaugh bogey, but ve are too much busy vit Vennisday.-Encore ze Agricultural Bill. Ze gang below ze gangvay
Corrupt Practice. Ve "go home," in ze vords of your poet (en passant, call Mr. Balfour ze Agricultural Bill Hook, he have last night so much
I return chez moi in hansom), "about two in ze morning." cut up ze Bill, and aftare ze amendments of to-night, ma fai I ze Bill vill
Friday.-Earl de la Varr bring in ze Lords his Bill for Continuous be ver much vork of patch.
Brakes, vich is to prevent continual breaks down. It meet vit grave
opposition from Milor Bury, and enfin it is vizdraw.
In ze Lower House ve have encore ze Membare for I-zis time on ze "THIS is awkwardd" as the illiterate wood-pigeon said when he saw
Suez Canal. He give notice he is not satisfied vit ze Compagnie Fran. the falcon on the swoop.
qaise. C'esl teWs gentii ze vay Sir Norscote remind him he is not yet GAEL-Y WON AGAIN.-The Queen's Prize at Wimbledon.
Leader of ze Opposition. Sir Norscote give notice he vill divide and
take ze sense of ze.House sur l'affaire, "subject in all humility to my A-MEER PRESENT.-The subsidy to Abdurrahman of Afghanistan.
E LI^ A SPECIAL NOTICE.-Id/et
Redttion in the price ef Tonga. The
original 4]6 size is now reduced to 2/9,
an largersizesare put upat4]6 and xu/-.
The great reputation gained by Tonga
S during the last twoyears sufficiently tesi-
FOR fies to its intrinsic value, and is fully re-
U R coAiaed by the medical profession, as 1
evidenced by the habitual way in which
N EU RALI it is prescribed by leading men amot
Lancet, after devoting three long papers to remarkable cases of Neuralgiam
cured by Ton a, recently wrote: Tonga maintains its reputation in the Im
treatment of Neuralgia ;" whilst the Medical Press and Circular speaks
of Tonga as aluable in Facial Neuralgia;" and adds, 'It has proved
effective in all those cases in which we have prescribed it" Tonga may be
obtained from all Chemists, and from the Sole Consignees and Manufac-
turers, ALLEN & HANBURYS, Plough Court, Lombard St., London.
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves the ad-
dition of Starch.
PURE!! SOLUBLElI! REFRESHING ill
AUGUST I. 1883.
A Weird Warble.
I SAUNTERED lately through the street
(Which, by the way, I often do),
And on my way I chanced to meet
A merry-visaged youthful crew.
Strange mystic rites with cherry-stoneg,
They acted on the kerb-stone's verge,
And then, anon, in cheery tones
They murmured this mysterious dirge,-
Billy Jones broke his bones,
Tumblin' over cherry-stones I"
I stopped, for horror chilled my blood,
My tresses stood on end awhile,
To hear those urchins in the mud
Thus chant in such a heartless style.
Dear me !" thought I, "to what a strain
Of levity these boys give vent I
Methinks they should refer with pain
To such a grievous accident-
When this same Jones broke his bones,
By falling over cherry-stones I"
And so aside these boys I called,
And said, in sympathetic tones,
I grieve,-indeed, I am appalled
At this sad fate of William Jones.
Oh, boys! you knew him, it appears-
Perhaps were wont with him to play-
If so, 't were fitter you shed tears,
Than in a lively air to say,
Billy Jones broke his bones,
Tumbling over cherry-stones 1'
His accident that you record
I trust had not a fatal end?
Maybe he lieth in some ward,
Where doctors do his hurts attend?
If so, go visit him ; and oft
With cheering accents soothe his pain."
When lo I they shouted Ain't he soft? "
And taking sights, exclaimed again,
Yah I Billy Jones broke his bones,
Tumblin' over cherry-stones I"
Old Songs Reset.
AIR-The Cottage by the Sea.
CURATE days now flit before me-
Stipends small of long ago,
When the Rector lorded o'er me-
Fill'd my wretched life with woe.
Then of state and power dreaming,
Folded in the time to be,
Came the light of glory streaming
From the Palace of a See !
Fancy saw the mitre shining
On my grey and honour'd head-
Saw my guests off silver dining,
Heard the grace my chaplain said;
Drank the wine, enjoy'd the dishes,
Join'd the ladies at their tea.
Vanity of human wishes
For the Palace of a See I
Now that years have fled above me,
Gone are all the dreams of youth;
Round me are the souls that love me,
All reality and truth.
Now my life's long day is closing
In a peaceful rectory,
Sweeter far for Death's reposing
Than the Palace of a See I
Water-falling off is there I
DRESSES are now made with trimmings
called "water-falls at theback. .This must
be Ni-agra-vating to many, though those with
tubby figures (if any) will probably be thankful
for the cask-aid.
A POSITIVE BENEFIT TO THE COUNTRY.
Little Spiffns.-" D'YOU HAVE MANY LONDONERS DOWN HERE, MY BOY?"
Youthful Rustic.--"NAW, SIR, MORE 'S THE PITY I WE HAD A PAINTER-MAN DOWN
LAST YEAR. AH I AN' WAARN'T EVERYBODY SORRY TO GET RID ON UN I "
Little Spiffins (graciously).-" INDEED I WHY ?"
Youthful Rusti.-" A-PAINTIN' IN THE ORCHARDS AN' FIELDS, HE WUR THAT USE-
FUL AS A SCARECROW. NE'ER A BIRD 'UD COME ANIGH WHILES HE WUR ABOUT."
(Anxiously.) "BE YEW A PAINTER-MAN, SIR?"
A Strange Pledge.
A PETITION in favour of the Embankment blow-holes has been signed by some two hundred and
nineteen London pawnbrokers. These useful business folk are noted for taking "interest ;" but
why take interest in these things? True, they are said by some to be uncle-ean affairs ; but then
they are also stated to have no redeeming feature. Therefore this pledge of affection seems
A PRECIOUS MISTAKE.-That Cleopatra's "golden galley" was rowed with "silver ores."
VOL, Y*XXVIII.-NO. 951.
AUGUST I, 1883
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
or much-not anything, in fact-
f can be said in favour of Mr. J. F.
Dunn's "new and original co-
S 77 medy-drama," Retaliation, which
saw the light in the course of a
morning concert at the Adelphi,
Afor the benefit of the Royal Col-
..l lege of Music (an obscure institu-
.. *ti tion, the existence of which is not
generally known). It (the "new
and original comedy-drama," not
the Royal College of Music), dis-
played a certain distinctive cha-
racter in presenting in all their
naked absurdity many familiar
__ s Stage tricks and conventionalities
S- which caused it to be received
THE ADELFHI.-LEIGHT3N AND TOO with considerable enjoyment, of a
LATSE UN. kind not very flattering to the
author, particularly towards the
close. When Mr. Fabert explained that he was "under the thumb"
of the villain through having (as far as could be gathered) casually com-
mitted forgery, the audience could not Fabert their mirth ; Miss Lucy
Lee, entering into the spirit of the thing, and walking calmly out of a
top-floor window only to return safe and sound, and just in time to show
that the villain's first wife was dead three minutes and a quarter before
his second marriage, was greeted with warm, congratulatory applause
for her gymnastic skill; and Mr. Beck's final "carse you-1 was
greeted with such triumphant joy that it was cut short in the budding
springtime of its youth, and failed upon his faltering lips.
There is not much chance for distinction in such a piece, but the
cast was strong. Miss Alexis Leighton, by the sincerity of her acting
in a rather pur-
poseless scene in
the last act, stayed i j '' '
for awhile the tide ,
of mirth, and won .-
a very well-de.
served and hearty r
round of applause;
Mr. A. Wood e ln
made an irritating ,
funny by sheer per. g
sonal humour; and
Mr. Philip Beck
was as completely '
ingly wicked as
ever. The re- THE GAIETY.-" VIRGINIA AND PAUL'
mainder of the cast
played with loyalty and excellence, but there is nothing to be gained
by repeating their names. _t r e
The concert was a very good one, Madame Antoinette Sterling, Miss
Emily Parkinson, and Mr. H. Horscroft being included in the list of
singers. The instrumental solos were noticeable for variety-piano,
violin, flute, harp, concertina, and bassoon figuring each in turn.
The Soldier's I-ife is the title of Messrs. Sims and Pettitt's forthcoming
piece at the Adelphi, for which you'd bes' soldier self in readiness.
The 4th of August promises to
"-.-- be one of those merry times for
S- the notice which crowd upon
S /, whim more and more as the years
S. roll on and theatres increase,
when he is expected to divide
himself into many parts, and see
S many plays at once. To begin
_"_with (principally because it is not
a play at all, I suppose), Covent
Garden comes with its Promenade
Concerts on that evening; but
moe to the purpose is it that Mr.
S Harris, on the same night, pro-
THE VAUDEVILLE.-"AN OLD MASTER." duces at Drury Lane the drama
which he and the gentleman who
Rewe's in the same boat with him for the nonce have constructed; and
that Messrs. Holt and Wilmot open their new Grand Theatre at
Islington. To "do" the two will tax the powers of the most agile and
ubiquitous of our not-easily-defeated craft.
Pending the production of The Soldier's Wife, which is "in active pre-
S I "' the Adelphi
S. i t ; has opened
for a short
h o I douseason with
"here are the seem-
r rStreets of
water," "f M Mr. War-
her;- e as a the part of
no e pw ofBadger is
THE HAVYMARKET.-FAY-DOORER. best thing
which bears out my opinion that he is a very much better comedian than
-shall we say ?-tragedian. There is something very refreshing about
his rendering of this the usual merry-hearted scamp of melodrama, who
is forgiven because he is funny; though, after all, there is not much of
the scamp about Badger. The fact is Mr. Warner understands and feels
humour; I doubt if he does pathos fully.
There are one or two interesting points about the production, by the
way, which raise it in interest something above the ordinary revival.
There is, first of all, the welcome appearance on "this side of the
water," of Miss Alice Raynor, a clever little actress who has done much
good and earnest work at the Surrey
and elsewhere, and who has, if I mis-
take not, something of a future before M -
her; she has a sympathetic voice, and
no mean power of pathetic expression,
but she mustn't grow so proud of this -
latter as to bring it into play on inade- .
quate occasions. Another point is the
bright and clever performance of Dan I
by Miss Clara Jecks, a young lady who
is rapidly becoming an artist of the first
water; then there is the first appearance,
in a part requiring anything of inven-
tion, of Mr. Mark Quinton, one of the
survivors of matinde; he comes through
the ordeal very well, and has evidently
not mistaken his vocation. New SADLRR'S WELLS.-" ALL
LOST t"-"M OTHS!"
With a capital bit of character by Mr.
J. G. Shore,' a consistent performance of Crawley by Mr. J, Beauchamp,
a characteristic Puffy and Mrs. Puffy by Mr. Proctor and Mrs. H. Leigh,
and a respectable Mark by Mr. J. A. Rosier, as well as a very fair tail"
of a cast, it is evident that there has been no want of care in presenting
what is, after all, a mere stop-gap.
I forgot to say that Miss Ada Murray is very nice, and does all that
is to be done with the unpleasant Alida, though for a rich heiress she seems
rather short of dresses; but perhaps she spends all her pin-money on her
Count, which would her-count for it.
Vie Parisienne, I
.. hear, has been
chosen by Mr.
Henderson for the
opening of the Cri-
terion, a ceremony
which is proposed
S for the 6th of Oc-
years ago was this
piece first pro-
duced, and created
some little excite.
ment among the
Parisian larvas and
THE HAYMARKET.-FIRST IN THE F FIELD.
New Cross Pub-
lic Hall is about to be converted into a regular theatre, with Mr. W.
Morton of the Egyptian Hall at the helm. Ns STOR.
AUGUST 1, 883a. FUN. 45
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SOMETHING MORE ABOUT GOODWOOD.
SIR,-To begin with, I 'm not so sure that my tip last
week is to be absolutely relied on ; I 'm inclined to think that
the following additional verse should be by right attached to my
TIP FOR THE GOODWOOD STAKES.
But the man who would mildly prefer to enjoy
A fortunate height that the faculties dazes.
Had better, by chalks, back the swift Corrie Roy,
Or stick to Palermo, and back him like blazes.
As I said before, with regard to a
TIP FOR THE STEWARD'S CUP,
Though some are good and some are bad,
And some hold back and some importune;
In some 3 ou 're certain to be "had,"
And some are sure to lead to fortune.
Be it late or be it early,
Still I go for Knight of Burghley.
That's bold I But what is prophecy without boldness,
and who knows but what it may turn up trumps by a fluke?
But off we go again with my
TIP FOR THE GoODWOOD CUP.
You 've seen no sign-
No sign you've seen-
The reason's plain
To any one,
Dutch Oven too,
As you may see,
Will number 2,
Or maybe 3.
But Border Min-
Strel, when all's done,
Will toddle n
As No. I.
Finally (I shan't give it in rhyme), whatever horses pretend
to contest a field enter to try for the Cup of the Chesterfield,
thinking to win either hardly or easily out where the leaves
are a-flutter all breezily, if it's not Goggles the thought is
erroneous, so you may take it from Mr. TROPHONIUS.
First Cracksman.-" D' Y'EAR, BILL, WOT'S THIS 'ERE 'IGH ART THE
PAPERS WRITES SECH A LOT ABOUT?"
Second Cracksman.-" LUMMY I DON'T YER KNOW, JOSEPH? WHY,
I'LL TELL *ER. YOU AN' ME CAN CRACK A CRIB OR DO A BASHIN'
JOB AS NEAT AND CLEAN AS ANYBODY IN THE PERFESSION. THAT'S
HART I NOW, IF WE MOVED IN A HIGHERR SPEAR WE SHOULD PROBLY
BOTH A-BIN LAWYERS, AN' WE SHOULD 'HEN HAVE GORN IN FOR 'IGH
IN THE INTERESTS OF SCIENCE.
"A French paper gives an account of some 'curious' experiments which Signor
Canestrini has been making on insects. He has cut off the heads of a number of flies,
ants, grasshoppers, and butterflies, and he has observed that decapitated insects retain
their sensibility for a very long time. Flies seem to regard the operation as the most
natural thing in the world. One quite fails to see the raison d'etre of Pro-
fessor Canestrini's operations. The effect of decapitation nn the human subject is
well known; and the Professor may go on decapitating insects till Doomsday without
contributing anything towards modifying its unpleasant consequences."-St. James's
LET 's add information unadded before
To strengthen the budget of Science's lore;
It's quite immaterial how you begin-
Try something or other, it's sure to come in.
Just get me-I 'm far from particular what-
Well, get me-I've hit it-just get me a pot;
A pot with a handle-just any old thing
Affording a hold for attaching a string.
And get me (you '11 find you can easily meet
My simple requirements) a dog from the street;
I stipulate only the dog mustn't fail
In one little matter-he must have a tail.
Still further to foster success it would tend
If the tail of the dog had a knob at the end;
Yet, though it would make it a likelier job,
It's not indispensable, isn't that knob.
And get me-now what shall I tell you to bring ?-
Oh I bring me a bit of superior string;
It '11 do if it's thick ; but I care not a pin,
Because it will equally do if it's thin.
Now carefully fasten the string with a knot,-
One end to the animal, one to the pot;
Now tug it and test it-you're certain it 's tight?
Now howl at the dog till he bolts in a fright.
He dashes right onward, with never a swerve;
Don't touch me- don't speak to me-let me observe;
And science shall have the results as a treat,
At the very next learned-society-meet.
THE London season, now drawing to a close, is said to have been
one of the worst ever known. This is attributed to the frequent absence
from town of the Prince of Wales ; hence are heard, in certain quarters,
many Wales of woe.
46 FUN. AUGUST I, 1883.
AN ACT OF BENEVOLENCE.
The United States Cabinet have issued an order to the Custom House authorities at New York to assist in preventing the landing of paupers, and, in the event of
any having already disembarked, to have them reshipped to the port whence they came.
a sudden sting of conscience. "Here's another poor Irish fellow com
forbade him to land. J. Bull was touched to the heart, and
"But I can't possibly have him back now; he has been so close to America, that he's sure to be infected with dynamite," said he. So poor Pat had to make the
best of it in Australia or somewhere.
And when he was an old man he sought Cousn Jonathan, and clasped his hand grateful. "How shall I thank yer for previntin' me landing said he. "But
I take it you've done badly elsewhere?" said Cousin J. : "you're still in rags-and starving-and--' It's all that I am, an' moe," said .at; "but, bedad,
you've saved me from bein an Irish-American!"
FUJN.-AuGcsT I, 1883.
Professor Gladstone.-"ALLOW ME, SIR, TO RECOMMEND OUR CELEBRATED CORRUPT PRACTICES POMADE
FOR IMPROVING AND BEAUTIFYING THE STATE OF THE POLL."
" IF you wish to get something, you shall, sir,
For promoting the growth of the hair;
Now this water of Suez Canal, sir,
Is an excellent wash, I declare.
" It's a little bit costly I grant, sir,
In result, too, a little bit slow:-
Won't on any account ? Then you shan't, sir;
I am ready at once to take 'no.'
" You'd be satisfied, though, 'pon my soul, sir,
With this article here in my hand;
For improving the state of the poll, sir,
Its efficiency's perfectly grand.
" It's emollient, cleansing, and cheap, sir,-
A pomatum that's totally new,-
'Corrupt Practices' called,-safe to keep, sir,-
Pleasant smell,-try a pot, sir, pray do.
" Is there anything else in my way, sir ?
Nothing else you now want to obtain?
Then I thank you, sir, kindly. Good day, sir.
I hope we may soon meet again."
ArGUST I. 1883. FUT T. 49
WARBLES OF THE WEEK.
SET TO THE AIRS OUR FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES.
No. 5.-A SONG WHICH GOES-SEDLEV.
AIR-" Phillis is my only joy."
AKE the news
we give, my
I aall lands and
F tes it seems
they do enjoy
At the Nash'nal
Yes, that they
F FFor they've had
SAnd is cheerful
as he sees
End of iron.
wo rk kers'
Princess Beatrice belikee)
Gone aboid some fun to seek.
And Bradlaugh forms,
Are the topics of the week.
Guinea annexation scheme,
Channel Tunnel Co. at bay;
Suez plan abandoned dream,
Manchester Canal "we pray."
Just as pay, mere-
Are the topics of the day.
One more Government defeat
(For their cricket's not sublime)
Trams at Huddersfield a treat,
Balloon ascent in foreign clime.
And round about
Rout and slay, oh,
Are the topics of the time.
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT.
~NOT M blo E Lor Chance sellare is
mt)( WOR vatyou call good judge 2.
On Sursday-it vas ze 20
Julys-he bring in Bill for
4Sans doute, he mean ze
ice sqvash lemon at ze
bar of ze Courts in hot
vezzare. Aprhs, ze Lords
go in Committee on ze
Factory Bill, vich is ver
In ze ozzare place,
-- ropos ze Canal de Suez,
everybody is like ze do-.
7 'M mestique who is expect to
'-york, giving notice. Sir
S Norscote vant to discuss
ze agreement (his party,
I sink, are more ready
for disagreement), and he demand of ze Grand Old Man, like Mr. Sims
Reeves of zat grand young voman, Jane lajolik, to "name ze day." Ze
Sergeant-of.Arms come to ze Bar. He hold at Sergeant of Arms lengz
ze writ of Mr. Bradlaugh. Ze House vill considare before it enter
appearance; maintenant, Sir Giffard vispare to me, Iconoclastes sail not
appear or entire ici. Ze writ is serve by Messrs. Lewis, of Ely Place,
just after ze Membare for Monaghan have take his Healy place.
Fridays.-Ze Viscomte who Bury desire altare ze Hospital Service of
ze Army; mais Milor Longford say in ze army zare is too much change.
(Pourquoi done are so many of my soldier pals hard up ?) In ze Coma
mons ve have encore ze Membare for Cheek-I go say Eye-c'est la
mime chose, and it is his feature vich strike most he is ver much sat on by
everybody, he try so hard to make ze mischief entire la France et
l'Angleterre. C'est dommage! ze peoples who can do so leetle goods
should try do so many harms. Ve go in Committee on ze Bill of ze
Monday.-Milor Granville in ze Lords, and ze G. O. M. in ze Com-
mons, say ze Scheme of ze Canal de Suez, like ze fat man on light of ze
sky, have fall tro.
Tuesdays.-Ze principal business is to introduce ze mashare-I sall
mean Ushare of-ze Rod vich is Black, Sir James Drum and-vy have
he not fife at ze end of his name?
Autre/ois Mr. P. A. Taylor stick up for ze garrottare. A present he
plead for Foote and Ramsey (zey all deserve ze flog). Sir Harcourt say
serve zem right. Zey have put zeir Foote in it, and it must rest zare.
Mr. Chaplin is ver much rile, parceque ze Government vill not bring in
ze Dear Meat Bill. I say ze butchare do zat, assez souvent.
Vennisday ze Commons read ze tree time ze Bills of Electric Light.
fa /oil ze lighter ze vork ze bettare at zis seasons. Zare is brush be-
tveen Sir Campbell and Mr. Chamberlain ovare ze Metropolitan Brush
Company. More Agricultural Holding Bills, zis time Ecossaise. Mr.
Barclay amend so much, ayant rapport A compensation for drains, zat I
slope and go have drain for compensation.
THE dusthole, as is very plain,
Ts over-full, Matilda Jane ;
And, as the dustman will not call,
The difficulty might appal
Had not the wise committee, late
Deputed to deliberate
About the blow-holes, put to flight
The whole dilemma, left and right.
The Thames Embankment Gardens may
Be built upon or swept away,
Regarded as a useful spot
Where surplus rubbish may be shot,
Or all and sundry who shall care
To do so, may pollute the air-
Until they vanish neathh the clutch
Of railway companies and such.
So take the heap, Matilda Jane,
Our flowing dusthole won't contain-
The drowned pups, the poisoned rat,
Our late-defunct lamented cat,
The cabbage-stalk the nostril hates,
The ashes from domestic grates-
And pile it all upon the land
The wise committee lately bann'd,
But have a care, Matilda Jane,
You do not loiter and remain
Upon that land-for who presumes
To dare the blow-holes' deadly fumes
Within the fatal gardens where
The London folk resort for air,
Shall barely live the time he 'd need
To bless the wise committee's deed.
50 FU N AUGUST I, 1883,.
"HOW THE RICH LIVE:"
BY SHINY SEAMS AND HAL 'LOW I
ONE of the greatest evils of the overcrowding of the rich-for are they
not overcrowded everywhere?-at home, in the limited area of the
fashionable quarters they
are compelled to inhabit;
abroad, in train and coach,
in steamer and hotel, when
they seek what they call,
with grim humour, "aholi-
day "-one of the greatest
evils of this overcrowding,
I say, is the souring of
temper it engenders. I 've
read somewhere, or some-
body has told me, that
well-bred people never
show temper. It seems
like an aphorism of the
nursery, so perhaps it was
the attendant of my earlier
years who gave me the in-
formation. Anyway, if the
well-bred, otherwise the
rich (for only the rich are
well-bred), never do show
temper, it must be because
they have lost it all in the
course of years of irritation
from the above causes.
This taking a holiday"
is another fetish which the
rich man is' compelled to
follow-for his sins. To
remain in town after a cer- "GOOD NIGHT S'
tain date-to be seen at the
club, or any of the other places where fashion most does congregate-to
be seen in London at all, in fact, except as "just passing through to
somewhere else, is social annihilation.
As a matter of fact, there are always many "just passing through !"
Think what this holiday must be to the rich man. I have already
hinted at the comfort and solace that bed is to him, his only peaceful
refuge, the one oasis amid his desert life. What does the holiday do for
him ? It drags him prematurely from that refuge one fine morning, and
as likely as not he never sees it, or the faintest imitation-of it, again for
weeks ; it plunges him into a crowded, cramping, rumbling railway car-
riage, with bales of luggage on his mind-no sleep is possible there; it
takes him on board a heaving and throbbing steamer smelling of hot
oil (a steamer which soon makes its heaves and throbs part of his system),
and places him in a close, creaking, and swaying cabin-no sleep is
possible there; it gives him a slow all-night journey in a continental
grande vitesse, with three Frenchmen indulging in contorted nightmares
and garlic snores-no sleep is possible there ; it imprisons him in the
coupe of a diligence where everybody but himself wants the window up-
no sleep is possible there. No sleep is possible anywhere; the search
for a bed is the search of a Diogenes
for an honest man. Then the tourist
loses his temper.
There are times when the tourist
does get a bed-of a sort; but the
attendant discomforts make it a doubt.
.- ful luxury. The hotel is full when he
arrives, and he has to occupy a hastily-
arranged attic, or box-room, or boot-
cupboard, or something of the kind.
The ablutionary arrangements are de.
fective, perhaps; there is no soap, or
the towels have passed through (and
over) too many hands, to the exclusion
S of those of the laundress, or there is a
decrepit and superfluous toothbrush,
but no water, or it may even be there
is no suggestion of preparation what-
ever. The sketch on the left repre-
sents a little boy who has come from
WATER SHAME I the top of the huge seven-storied hotel
in his shirt-sleeves to the water-butt in
the courtyard-and found it empty. We gather that he wants the water
for his ma and pa, the Earl and Countess, who, with himself, are oc-
cupying a small loom in a distant turret. This room only just holds the
bed, he says; their boxes are on the landing, and they have to squeeze
through the door as best they can, He points out the turret; from
where we stand it looks like nothing so much as a canary's cage.
This is only a specimen of the whole ; the place is a perfect rabbit-
warren, every hole and corner is occupied, some of the rooms are divided
in two by wooden partitions, and the occupants have to speak in
whispers, privacy being destroyed at the window end by the gap caused
by the embrasure. Where
the servants sleep I don't
know, but I suppose with
the cows and horses. We
explore the place so that
my companion may ob-
tain a good sketch. Some
of the doors are locked,
and we don't get in.
Some of them, though
unlocked, elicit feminine
screams when they are
opened-and we don't go
in. We have better luck
in other places, however.
The hall porter's box is oc-
cupied by a tutor and two of
his pupils, a portly Alder-
man of the City of London
is in one of the bath-rooms,
a newly-married couple, we
are told, is in another, two
dukes on a pedestrian ex-
cursion are in a third-all
the bath-rooms are utilized,
and in one we find a young
man, just risen, drenched to
the skin: he'd had his bed
made up in the bath, and
had accidentally turned on
NORE, PANT-ALONG the water in his sleep. One
family occupied a cupboard
-pa and ma on the lower shelf, and the children above them on the
others. A sort of open turret with pillars, on the roof and supporting the
weathercock, had not beenneglected even: the approach was dangerous,
through a small hole in a roof of exciting angle, at a dizzy height, and up
the said roof by means of a rope fixed in the turret, yet some acrobatic
young man had passed the night in that exalted eyrie.
There was one person with a wearied and anxious expression, an
officer in a crack regiment, whom we met several times in the passages,
carrying a feather bed. The manager had found this bed for him, but
had been unable to provide him with a room to put it in; this was the
only instance we came across of a person without a room of some sort.
But it was in the coffee-room we found the sketch we wanted. It had
been turned into a huge dormitory, and was crammed. As we entered
we were greeted with the sound of a full, deep, rich, sonorous snore
proceeding from a corpulent gentleman on the right. At the farther
end of the room, facing us as we entered, we saw what was strong con-
firmation of my theory regarding
the souring influence upon the
temper of the rich this wholesale
crowding has. A young, and at
other times (presumably) hand-
some man, leaned upon his elbow,
and directed a malignant scowl
with the hatred of years in it at
the resonant slumberer, at whose
form he had already directed a per-
fect shower of boots, brushes, &c.
"He's been at it all night," he
complained to us, and I haven't
had a wink." And I shouldn't
think he had.
As we leave we come across
this gentleman on the right. He
has slept in a coal-cellar, sup-
plied with no washing appliances;
but, luckier than our young friend
on the other side, has procured a FROM CLLA TO BRE.
tub in the byre FO CLLAR TO BYE
And so we quit this phase of "How the Rich Live."
But we are not allowed to depart in peace; we are confronted by the
manager with a demand for four and sixpence each for beds. We ex-
plain that we've had no beds. He puts by the excuse as trivial; we'ye
been in the house all nght, nd beds or no beds, we have to pay like
everybody else /
(More unpleasan.'nesses the week after next.)
AUGUST I, 1883. U N 51
I COME as a sworn peacemaker;
I 'm meek and mild as a Quaker;
For Ferry's the undertaker
Of all feuds, recent and old.
At least I am told to bury )
The hatchet all round; but very
Bewildering 't is that Ferry I\
Keeps whispering, "Ch6r, be bold I"
We haven't the least objection
If Britain forbids connection
'Twixt us and the smallest section
Of any place twixtt the Poles;
But then, I must say, we sunder
All ties if they stop our plunder
In China, and the thunder
Of our guns, not French rolls.
I'm chosen because they cling, oh I
So fast to their savage lingo; \
I'm chosen to please the Jingo,
The 'Arry, and kitchen wench.
The gift comes of Eton cramming; -~
But just let them think of damming
Canals l Good bye, salaaming, .
I say with big d's in French.
In short, as a Gallo-Briton,
They say I am bound to hit on
Some method whereby to sit on
The schemes where Britannia rules;
While I between two far nations,
Feel-such are hybrid's sensations-
Just fallen between two stools.
DURING the trial of the Strome Ferry rioters it was stated
that, though working so strenuously against the profanation of
the "Sawbath," they swore roundly in Gaelic the while.
Being Gale-ic, we presume their language was somewhat
stormy. To judge by their recent sentences, however, they THE GOOD BOY.
seem to have got a gay-lic-king. "MOTHER SAYS I MUSTN'T."
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST. "I suppose, dear, I-I'm mixing it up somehow with the Suez
I DECLARE," cried Mrs. Blnderbery pouring Harvey sauce into Tunnel," said Mrs. Blunderberry, nervously spreading marmalade on her
I DECLARE," cried Mrs. Blunderberry, pouring Harvey sauce into sardine.
her tea, "I declare if they were to cut that canal across the Channel I "Your brain, madam, ought to be corked in a bottle and labelled
should never sleep easily in my bed; and as for comfort, why, I'd every 'The mixture as before.' One teaspoonfull of you, ma'am, is a dose for
bit as soon cross to Calais in a steamer as I would in a barge." an adult. A larger quantity would induce fever, vertigo, softening of
Mr. Blunderberry looked up from his newspaper, grunted contemptu- the brain, lunacy, and death."
ously, and looked down again. "I don't see that I have said anything so very ridiculous, Mr. Blun.
"Though, of course," continued the lady, balancing her teaspoon, derberry," retorted the wife of his bosom with dignity.
and pondering on the complication, "of course, if it has to be done, it "You wouldn't," replied her lord, reaching for the sugar-basin and
is only right England should have a stake in it." upsetting the milk-jug.
HagMrs. B.," said her lord and master, it is on international questions If you were to cut the top offa tunnel and fill it with water, it would
of this kind that your knowledge of housekeeping becomes pre-eminently be a canal, wouldn't it ?"
usefuwant to Having heard of the chops of the Channel, you think we ought "Oh, of course." And Mr. Blunderberry laughed sardonically. If
to have a steak as well. Is that it?" you were to cut the top off a pillar letter-box and fill it with gunpowder,
"He, he, he I" laughed Mrs. Blunderberry, a little uneasily; "what it would be a cannon. If you were to cut the top off a foolish woman
good spirits you're in this morning, Solomon" and colt cher with newspapers necessarily e horseya Mrs. Blunder.
"It's a lucky thing for you, Mrs. Blunderberry, that I am. Canal berry." rs le
across the Channel What nonsense are you talking? You only want "And," interposed his better half, riding equal to the occasion, "if
eight millions of English money in your pocket to be a female Lesseps. you cut oft the top of a husband and filled him with a good breakfast,
Canal, indeed I How did you suppose they were going to make it? he ought to be better tempered."
Did you fancy they proposed to get a whole fleet of ships to beat down I suppose you call that argument," said Mr. Blunderberry sulkily.
the Channel, so that you and I might run across? Did you imagine all "Oh, no, dear !" answered the lady, elated. "I shouldn't think of
the yachts at Cowes were going to do it with their cutwaters? I tell arguing with you ; I know better than that."
you what it is, madam: if you were only starving in a garret, with two "Next time you want to argue, Mrs. B.," continued her lord, by no
dozen patents and a judgment summons, you'd be a first-class inventor, means mollified, "don't wait to begin till my omnibus is coming down
Your mind's so strong and so quick, that if you could hook a dozen the road. D' ye hear ?-next time you want to chop logic with your
carriages on to it, it would be the rapidest mode of transit known." husband, give him time-only give him time-and he ll--he 'll-smash
"I m sure I read somewhere that somebody wanted to make a canal," you I" And Mr. Blunderberry toddled down the garden path.
sighed Mrs. Blunderberry, plaintively. "He'll have to stand five minutes at the gate," soliloquized Mrs.
"Yes, ma'am; yes, I am the man-I, your lord and master. I want Blundehbesry, looking at the clock. "But that won't do him any harm."
to cut a canal round you to keep your knowledge in; I want to cut a
canal in front of you, that you may set it on fire and spare the Thames.
Hang it, ma'am I I want to cut a canal through you, and let in a stream
of reason and a flood of light. And now, if there is anything more you MOTTO FOR THE SOCIETY FOR PSYCHICAL RtSaARc, _De G/osdi
want to know about canals, let me hear it." And Mr. Blunderberry bus" non est disputandum.
leant back in his chair and panted. ARE "colt" cricketers necessarily "horsey" men?
Mr To ComzsPoDr,.ri.--TA* Editor. dm wot Uxd Aimsel. to AO&N.u /d,, Pwhu, or raWy o Com~dihdibum. In No c"$ wjill Ikas' re ofied wsn#,,
occomoeaud 6, a *Iwsml ad 2d44ctid meo*.
AUGUST I, 1883.
LAWN TENNIS ITEMS.
Out of Court.
The House of MR. and MRS. MENNIRIR QUIREMENTS.
Date--7ly 31st, 1883.
MR. M. Q. (excitedly). Martha, the clock upon the mantel strikes
Eleven I One more hour to run-and then
The First of August and the Parcels Post!
(With a burst of joyous anticipation.)
Oh, I have ordered such a wealth of things-
(No single thing exceeding seven pounds)-
Such matters as of yore I should have purchased
From local tradesmen-to be sent, direct
From them who make them, by the parcels post.
MRS. M. Q (with equal excitement). Oh, Peter, so have I-some
Twelve yards of spotted muslin-
MR. M Q (wildly). Some cigars,
A pair of soles frm Farringdon-
MRS M. Q. (deliriously). Some peas,
Five pounds of sirloin, tenpence by the pound,
Three pairs of gloves, a frying-pan-
MR. M. Q. (faintly). Some pills,
A pipe, some pears, some bell-wire, some--
Bo H (uncontrollably). Hurray I
MRs M. Q. But let us now to rest; the whelming joy
Of what shall be to-morrow strings our nerves
Too tightly; let us train our brains to think
On nothing-count a million-good, we doze.
[A short and hypocritical silence.
MR. M. Q. Martha 1 I wonder-do you think the parcels
Will come by first delivery, or be-?
MRs. M. Q. I guess the cruel word-or be delayed.
Oh, Peter, no, no, no 1
MR. M. Q. (starting up). I hear a clock I
'T is midnight I What is that ? What chilling moan
Of black despair unmans the shuddering night ?
MRS. M. Q. I heard it too I A hollow hopeless wail-
A coronach above the grave of Hope,
As if some creature simply gives it up I
And, Peter-do you feel an icy breath-
A passing chill ?-and there !-and there again-
A Rally. A Gentleman who has seen a
great deal of Service."
The word "farewell I" half stifled, as with sobs.
I cannot sleep.
MR. M. Q. Nor I; let us arise centrated vigil.
And for the parcels postman strain our eyes. [A long interval cf con-
MRs. M. Q. Peter, I pray you listen. Hear ye not
A grinding as of wheels-of little wheels?
'T is no perambulator. Peter I See-
It is the hand-cart of the parcels post.
Bat look I How pale the postman's countenance;
He totters, gasps, and glares; he is not well,
MR. M. Q. Perchance a little brandy-
PARCELS POSTMAN. Thank ye kindly;
Once more my blood resumes its wonted course,
Yet frighted memory, casting back its orbs,
Sees once again-no matter I Have ye heard
In the dead voidness of the midnight hour
A wail ? MR. and MRS. M. Q. We did.
POSTMAN. It was the last farewell
Breathed by the spirit of the Middleman;
The phantom met me, pale, upon the road,
And passed its fingers o'er the packages,
Murmuring faintly, Let me hand them in
And take my old commission 1" (Suddenly.) See I Ah, horror I
He stands between us now. His fleshless fingers
Touch each fresh parcel ere it reach your hand
From mine. He sobs, Commission I He is gone I
the CUTION. If
praises CUST omID Cocoa thickens in the
o BD Re SB n .. a cup, itproves the ad-
ALFRED BIRD & SONS, Birmninghia.. will seed0nd a a spurt, the re of ofStarch.
adrspstfe."PASTRY AND -.VES."11 Lite Cat~ oo Ciio of a
Work containinur Practical Hints and Originat Recipe fr le e. SI X M to t FraF
Totv Dinhes for the sd ep l o Sample andp S oth ea cg u TPURE !i SOLUBLEl!! REFRESHING II
London: Printed by Dalziol Brothers, at their Camden Press, Hig h Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at z53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August ist, 1883.
-T SE ,IN 4 AC.T
FUN delights to see holiday-makers,
From London and labour set free;
And, like these, may you all be partakers
Of bracing ozone by the seat
Pray observe the bold yachtsman here wooing,
And the charming young maidens so sly ;
And the party (by accident) viewing
The batheress-timid and shy.
At this seaside resort all are happy,
Save a "masher," who sailing would go;
It don't quite agree with the "chappie,"
As the tableaux successively show.
VOL. XXXVIII.-NO. 952,
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
--- ----_--- ITH a brilliance of original thought
-- __- ^ which should not go without its meed
--:-- i of honest praise, Miss Fanny Reid
-- I determined to appear at a matinde as
Juliet. I am sorry to say that, in
my humble opinion, the resolve was
not carried out. Miss Reid spoke
the words of Shakespeare, and "had
the front" of an actress who might
S 1 do more than well within a certain
limit; but she no more appeared as
S Juliet than I appeared as the Man-in-
S /'. the-moon-a character I have not yet
Seven "studied." Except in a pun-
ning sense, the lady's could not be
called a Miss-Reiding of the part, for
i' it scarcely had that amount of origi-
nality. Grace there was mostly, ease,
i I and once or twice a hint of dramatic
fire; but the whole performance
lacked depth, sensitiveness, and reality;
while the delivery was of that re-
markable sing-song kind adopted by
TnHa -B. .some clergymen in preaching, as
THE GAIETY.-GUILD-ING REFINED thus
Oh, swear not by the moon; the) i (moon,
That nightly changes in) (orb, &c.
a style of which five acts is more than enough to satisfy the most insatiate
craving for monotony. If Miss Reid would forget that Juliet is written
in verse, and think only of her meaning, she might make something
better of her, but I do not think myself that
she is born to the poetic drama at all.
The influence of the Church and Stage
Guild," or something, must have been strong
over that matinde, for while Miss Reid
preached and preached, one Mr. Courtenay
Thorpe intoned the part of Mercutio mar- '
vellously. As a piece of complete self-satis-
faction and inappreciation of character, I
think (and hope) Mr. Thorpe's Mercutio is
unique; tones of voice wild, many-ranged,
and unexpected, gestures and attitudes rich
in inventive unmeaning, the smile and strut
of conscious prettiness characterized this
wonderful impersonation, which was given, ..
moreover, in that style of elocution that can-
not describe an old man's or a young maid's TOOLE'S.-DUNSCOMBE DUNS
thoughts without making them think in a COME.
cracked voice or a squeaky falsetto respec-
tively I Mr. Forbes Robertson's Romeo is well known, and its manly
grace and poetic beauty were never more manifest; Messrs. Vollaire and
Sennett (Capulet and Friar Lawrence), and Miss Annie Merton (Lady
Capulet), merit mention for very fair performances, and the remainder
of the cast did honestly well, if not very strikingly.
The reproduction of a piece like M.P. is one of those events which
show with painful clearness how the time flies on, and how one grows
no younger, inducing one to enunciate platitudes thereon. Sitting in
one's seat at
when the inte-
% rest taken in the
Manifest by the
r, and wise men,
it seemed impos-
sible that thir-
teen years could
Sthe piece first
saw light at the
TOOLE 'S.-THE BOLD ONE AND THE QUAKER. PrinceofWales's
Hare, Coghlan, Bancroft, and Addison, and Miss Carlotta Addison and
Mrs. Bancroft in the principal parts. So it is, however, and not only
AUGUST 8, 1883.
so, but it has never been revived until now. It is suggested in explana-
tion of this that the slightness of its story made it the least successful,
as it is certainly by no means the least brightly
written or characterized play of its author.
The brightness of its sparkle has not been
impaired by keeping, and some of its satirical
hits against amateur acting come with curious
appropriateness at the present moment; but
the flight of time, or (if you will) the march
of civilization, is strongly evidenced by the
obsolescent nature of some of the electioneer-
i- The cast is excellent. Mr. A. Beaumont's
:. '"1 Dunscombe is a strongly appreciative per-
formance of the Old English Gentleman ;"
l i Mr. J. F. Young's Isaac Skoome is a good
honest rendering of broad comedy with not
more than legitimate exaggeration, and many
a truthful touch in it. Mr. E. D. Ward's
TOOLES.-CECILIA, THAN Chudleigh has all the brightness of youth
WHOM YOU'LL OFTEN SEE
SILLIER, I CAN TELL YOU. (his love scene is capital), and Mr. F. H.
Macklin's Talbot Piers is solid and real,
if something self-contained. There is a sort of an eccentric ballet de
action of three electors going on through much of the piece, in which
somewhat ridiculous performance Messrs. A. D. Adams, A. Chevalier
(good), and F. Irving distinguish themselves.
Cecilia Dunscombe is played by Miss Cora Stuart, a lady hitherto
only known to London as an exponent of opera bouffe. That she is at
a disadvantage in following the inimitable Mrs. Bancroft is a fact unne-
cessary to dwell upon. To my mind the performance in its comedy aspect
that either Miss
Stuart or the
public could de-
sire; but there
is that very '
common lack, '
the lack of ten-
which this kind ,
of character is /
apt to suggest
It goes dread- "
fully against my .-
feelings, too, to TOOLE'S.-THE PANTOMIMIC THREE.
strike a note of
complaint against so sweet a performance as Miss Gerard's Ruth, redo-
lent of lavender and simples and old-world gentleness as it is, but to me
it seems that her tone in the earlier scenes showed more a countrified
uncouthness than the timidity proper to the character; beyond this the
performance was admirable in its freshness and naivete. This character
is a great favourite of mine, and I am very jealous of its adequate repre-
sentation. It has always seemed a pity to me, too, that there is the
certainty of Mrs. Chudleigh Dunscombe's casting aside all her quaint
quakerisms and descending to mere ordinary womanhood; much of her
sweetness will remain, no doubt, but I am glad the play ends where it
For the 250th time have they performed
Rip Van Winkle at the Comedy, and for the
fourth time have I "just looked in." The
changes in the cast have been many, the
-1 most important being the substitution of
1 Mr. J. A. Arnold for Mr. Leslie as Rip (a
part which the former has, I understand,
been playing in the provinces). He has a
very good singing voice, and altogether
makes very fair work with the character,
though the inevitable comparison with his
predecessor can scarcely be expected to tell
i in his favour. Miss Camille D'Arville has
brightened up considerably since first hand-
ling the part of Katrina, and her flexible
voice and good style are heard to much ad-
vantage in an interpolated jdddeling song in
TOOLE's.-LONGExPECTED 'S the second act ; but though the ladies in the
SKOOME AT LAST I last act have heard Katrina's remarks on
electioneering about 249 times already, that
is no justification whatever for the latter in addressing them to the audi-
ence instead. NESTOR.
AUGUST 8, I883. FUN. 55
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-Why can't you let me have a holiday ? Here's the
middle of summer, and the weather as unsettled as an English-
man can desire; and instead of sending me a nice little cheque
with the compliments of the season '(the seaside seas-on),
and a request that I will go, "you dog, you, and enjoy"
myself, you add insult to injury by telling me the next is
Holiday Number," and demanding copy I So, a miserable
SPORTING SKETCHES. No. 5.-"A JULY Cup."
pampered periodical can have its holiday, but the Prophet of
your bosom must go without. Where is your justice, sir?
Where is your sense of what is due to your fellow-man ?* But
why need I ask? Of course, you have pawned it, as you
have everything else of value your mother left you I Bah 1
let me get on with my
TIP FOR THE BRIGHTON CUP,
(Even the Cups have gone to the seaside, you see Ugh! )
Oh, quite infinitesimal and feeble is the hope
That victory will lie in wait for top-weight Hagioscope;
And little is the interest that's taken in the fate
Of the animal they've saddled with the title of The Mate.
Nor could you call that greater, if the truth you were to tell,
That parties now exhibit in regard to Isabel;
But Thebais you should warily and wisdom-aided back,
And Havock 's sure to figure to advantage on the track.
And Border Minstrel seems to be the best of all the three,
So Border Minstrel, Havock, and Thebais, boys, for me.
That it should have come to this! That we should be described as
our correspondent's fellow-man! And there are those who envy the
Editor's lot!-ED. FUN.
Tommy.-" WHAT'R' YOU GOING TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP,
CHARLEY?" Charley.-" FISHERMAN I "
Tommy.-" YOU A FISHERMAN I WHY, I SAW YOU CRYING WHEN
YOUR NURSE WAS BATHING YOU THE OTHER DAY."
Charley.-" FISHERMEN DON'T BATHE I"
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
"So it has really come in," said Mrs. Blunderberry, passing the news-
paper over to her husband, and trying to pour out the tea, forgetting she
had not put any water in the pot.
It might have waited for an invitation," growled Mr. Blunderberry.
"I should like to know who gave it leave, and I should like to know
what it is? Is it your mother-in-law come to stay a week, with three
cab-loads of luggage? Is it the rain through the roof? Is it the bailiffs ?
Come, madam, don't try to puzzle a half-famished husband with conun-
drums. What has come in ? where did it come from ? and how long is
it going to remain? "
Why, Solomon, I thought you knew all about everything that was
"I 'm glad it's going on," grunted Mr. Blunderberry. "I was afraid,
now it had come in, we weren't ever going to get rid of it."
"As if you didn't know, Solomonl It's a capital thing, and will
Hold hard! You said it was going on first, and now you say it will
stop. Which do you mean, Mrs. B. ?"
"Why, surely, Mr. Blunderberry, I told you plainly enough I was
referring to the Parcel Post."
That's it-that's it I shouted Mr. Blunderberry, bringing his fork
down so heavily on a plate as to fracture it, and scatter the gravy on the
tablecloth. "You are such a model of elocutionary eloquence that no-
body ever knows what the deuce you are talking about. If you only
had your mouth full of pebbles instead of egg you'd be a female Demos-
thenes. If speech is silver, you might fill a market waggon with half-
crowns every morning. When I die, ma'am, pick out a second husband
of the name of Cicero. He is the only man I ever heard of who could
orate against you. Parcels Post? What doyou want with a parcels post ?"
"I 'm sure, Solomon, it will be very useful. When you buy butter,
and books, and oranges, and things in the City, it will be so nice to
send them home to me by post."
Oh I and you conclude that is the use a beneficent Government ex-
pects me to make of the parcel post ? And what are your designs upon
the unfortunate letter-carriers, Mrs. B. ? Do you propose to do up that
great mind of yours in a package three feet by two, and send it, properly
prepaid and directed, to be repaired ? Do you think your mutton chop
will come from the butcher's with a penny stamp stuck neatly on its
tail? Do you imagine that if you telephone to a confectioner for a
strawberry ice, he has only to drop one into a letter-box ? Perhaps you
have an idea the Postmaster-General will take care of your love and a
kiss packed in brown paper for transmission to your sister's baby ? "
Let me give you a nice cup of tea, Solomon," said the wife of his
bosom, in a conciliatory tone.
"There," replied her lord and master, savagely slicing at the loaf;
"if that isn't just like a woman. The moment she gets the worst of an
argument she loses her temper. You only want to be cabled over from
America to be a hurricane. If you'd set fire to that fringe of yours,
you 'd make a lovely amateur volcano. Why, in the name of Gracious,
you can't argue out a question calmly and quietly is more than I can un-
I don't want to argue, Solomon, and I know you are a great deal
cleverer than I am, and I only thought that now the parcel post is estab-
lished you might look in at Smithson's on your way to town, and get
that big black dog they promised us, and then you need only stamp him
and send him home."
"Stamp him? Him ? Stamp Smithson's big black dog ? Perhaps
you'd like me to post him in a pillar; perhaps you'd like me to make
parcels of my own mangled remains at the same time. Shall I send a
coffin and a tombstone while I am about it ? Would you like your hus-
band to arrive home by six consecutive postal deliveries ? No, madam,
Then Mr. Blunderberry seized his hat, and maie a rapid exit from
his home, growling uncomplimentary remarks, respecting the want of in-
telligence in women, all the way down the garden path.
AUGUST 8, 1883.
WARBLES OF THE WEEK.
SET TO THE AIRS OUR FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES.
No. 6.-A SONG WHICH GOES-WITH NANCY.
AIR-" Oh, Nancy, wilt thou go with me?"
SH, Nancy wilt
thou go with
Nor sigh to
15 dusty town,
/ And take a fort-
night by the
(The fare, you
know, is half
No longer parks
look fresh and
N rNo longer
5 things are
Say, canst thou
,.ak Hquit the fad-
m .d. ing scene,
And spring the
ready for the
Oh, Nancy I when thou 'rt far away
Wilt thou not cast a wish behind
To see some newly acted play,
Or dine where we have often dined?
An Aldershot sham fight is seen,
And Goodwood's o'er, as you're aware.
Say, wilt thou wish that thou hadst been,
Nor sprung the ready for the fare ?
Say, canst thou leave the Iron Duke
Who cannot find a resting-place ?
Or 'Arry keeping, with his Suke,
Bank Holiday with native grace ?
From Lord Mayor, acting as the host
Of country mayors, say, cast thou tear?
And canst thou quit the Parcels Post,
And spring the ready for the fare ?
Oh, Nancy I canst thou sail with glee
Before the gentle summer gale,
Nor wish thyself at home to see
The Duke of Teck's removing" sale ?
Though cholera is bearing down
On London, as they all declare,
Say, art thou loth to quit the town,
And spring the ready for the fare?
Oh, Nancy I canst thou love so true
The trip which we propose to go,
That thou thy triumph can subdue
About that Sunday Bill, you know?
The wedding present of the Queen
(For "Indian shawl" your mind prepare!)
To fair Miss Grey you'd fain have seen,
Nor sprung the ready for the fare ?
And when at last thy love shall die
For rural scenes and ocean's breath,
Wilt long to be where cabmen ply,
Nor heed the news of Carey's death?
Then wilt thou o'er the chill-grown bay
And shingle drop a patting tear,
Then hie thee back to town so gay,
Nor grudge the ready for the fare?
(Now "fare" and "tear," wherever you go,
Can never rhyme, that I'm aware;
But in the song they have it so-
I think the writer has you there I)
GROUSE prospects are said to be exceedingly good in Scotland. The
birds are plentiful on the moors. We are glad to hear it, for it will be a
case of the moor the merrier.
FOR THE PUBLIC AMUSEMENT.
OUR duty," said the editor of the Daily Blabber impressively to his
ferreter-out-in-chief, "is towards the public."
"It is," replied the ferreter-out-in-chief with pious fervour.
"Good," said the editor. "' Have you lighted upon anything which-
prudence and good taste would keep secret, but which it is our business
to divulge for the amusement of the public on its seaside holiday ?"
"I have," replied the out-ferreter. 'Fully convinced that the Press
ought in honour to assist the Government in keeping faith even with
criminals, I have done my best to find out the whereabouts of one whom
the authorities are earnestly endeavouring to hide from public notice,
with the purpose of publishing my information, and thereby thwarting
those authorities. Here are some pars. about A- B- ."
Good," said the editor, reading :-
"A- B- is at present in London, where he will stay three weeks.
He is in the habit of boating on the Thames at Limehouse, and will be
recognized, by such as are desirous of executing vengeance upon him, by
the fact of his wearing a green cutaway coat, a tall blue hat with a yellow
band, false nose, dancing pumps, and a violet and white umbrella. Ex-
cellent revolvers can be obtained at Messrs. Blank, Cartridge, and Co.'s,
and reliable knives of any respectable ironmonger."
"Excellent That will do the public a deal cf good, for is it not our
duty to the public to amuse them cn their seaside holiday? What
"At much personal risk, and great possible injury to my country, I
have found out that-
The heads of the naval and military departments at Portsmouth
went to Port Chester this morning in the Admiralty yacht to witness
experiments in new inventions in torpedoes and machinery. The expe-
riments were conducted with the strictest secrecy.' "
"The strictest secrecy I sneered the editor contemptuously. "Is
that to be a barrier to your research ? Have I engaged you to be baffled
by mere precautions on the part of the authorities? Hence at once, and
find out-for the amusement of the public on its seaside holiday, and the
enlightenment of the war departments of foreign nations-the exact
nature of the experiments. Go I "
"But they may blow me from a gun-the risk is fearful," began the
SNo matter," roared the editor. "Is it not for the good of the public
and the bad of the country ? Go I"
The British Public was once more reclining luxuriously on the sea-
beach. All was holiday and contented basking; and at that instant a
war broke out between Great Britain and a foreign power.
The B. P. heard the rumour of it rolling along the beach, and its face
grew serious; it drew in its basking legs and raised itself upon its elbow;
then it glanced at its newspaper, the Daily Blabber, and read these
words:-" War having been declared between Great Britain and Tother-
place, we are enabled-in spite of the secrecy of the authorities-to in-
form the public, and the enemy, that the War Department proposes
"Enough," muttered the Public; I know my duty."
And an hour later-before they had done much harm-the editor and
ferreter of the Daily Blabber were safely locked up in a box to await the
conclusion of hostilities.
And the enemy, being all at sea as to our movements in the absence
of their ordinary source of information, were taken by surprise every-
where, and completely routed.
THE Printers' Exhibition is, as heretofore, worthy of a visit, for it is
one of the best of its "type," and, though it has many comp "-ponent
parts, there are no "sticks" concerned in its management. Even
" pye "-ous persons will not regret putting it to the proof," neither will
they be inclined to consider all printers as "galley" slaves. Altogether
the show may be said to sustain its former "press "-tige.
OUR OWN MASHER.
WHEN the commonplace Masher goes out for a spree
With a cargo of holiday gear,
He most frequently chooses a spot by the sea
Which he thinks with his health and his dress will agree,
And he cons his appearance with satisfied glee
As he swaggers about on the pier;
Whilst the females who sit there scarce stifle their smiles
At an object so special and trim,
Quite amazed at his cuffs and his collars and tiles,
Though he deems them all victims succumbed to his wiles,
And believes that they idolize him.
But when our Grand Old Chappie turns out for a stroll
(Which, alas he too seldom obtains),
Though his rig-out may be just a little bit droll,
Yet it cannot be fairly remarked on the whole
That he's one with whose friends you'd be prone to condole
On his probable absence of brains :
And the ladies who watch him are never inclined
To regard his approach with a sneer,
But they recognize freely the strength of his mind,
And their feelings towards'him are rarely unkind,
Whilst not few of them think him a dear.
FTJhIN. GUST 8, 1883.
A- -~ -
OUR OWN MASHER; OR, THE GRA]
OLD CHAPPIE AND'HIS CRITICS.
A BANK HOLIDAY BALLAD.
ON St. Lubbock's Day, being anxious to see how the poor folks spent
Their respite from toil and trouble, to commons and parks I went;
And I witnessed some thousands joyous at quitting that human hive
Where many poor workers daily for the merest existence strive.
And there, in these open spaces, were children set free from slums,
Where the sunlight is seen but seldom, and the scent of flowers ne'er comes;
And there did they gambol gaily, with glorious shouts of mirth,
As though blades of grass and daisies were the grandest things on earth.
Little girls with maternal manner, with their infant charges played,
And each scampering, saucy urchin, at the top of his voice "hoorayed !"
"Ah!" methought, "now, were I a wizard, and moved in a magic sphere,
I would wave my wand, and quickly bring the COMMONS-ENCLOSER here.
"And I'd say to the COMMONS-ENCLOSER, Behold these children play:
Perhaps you will kindly notice how happy they are to-day.
Lo some are apparelled neatly, and are probably cared for well,
But many are ragged and squalid, and in poverty's places dwell.
"Ay, in what they call 'home' there's little of the comfort that some possess,
Their homes are the haunts of starvation, of drunkenness, or distress ;
And most of these youngsters' parents work hard for a weekly fee,
While the parents of some are addicted to crime and to vice, maybe.
" Yes! here for awhile these children, who have faces oft worn and sad,
Are grinning with joy and wonder-their poor little hearts are glad-
Yet the commons and sweet wild flowers from these you would cruelly seize-
You'd shut them out from the sunshine, and begrudge them the grass and trees.
"Though you know, 0 Great Landgrabber! these youngsters disporting here
Have little chance of enjoyment in their dwellings so dark and drear,
Yet of blessings that God gives freely these children you'd fain deprive,
If it were not that some who've feeling have vowed againstt your greed to strive "
"Dear me !" said the fishes down at the seaside. "It's well to be him: invited up to London by a suburban fishmonger, to be sold at one and six a pound, as if
he was a lord And those fishes' noses were out of joint; tYiy were only invited to Farringdon when tley were caught.
But they were comforted afterwards; for when they passed, a week later, carried in a basket from Farringdon by the homeward-biund Jones, there was the
proud one still trying to wile away the tedium on that suburban fishmonger's stall. Hullo !" said they chaffily, "don't look so fresh as you did. Can't get
sold, eh?' "No. You cut me out with your dirty threepence a pound," said he; "I'm sick of it, I am. I begin to feel that stale--'
I II' W
And months later, when the offspring of the chaffy cnes passed in the usual Jones-borne basket from Farringdon, they saw that suburban shop shut up, and
Inquired about their eighteenpence-a-pound uncle. Well," said the tom-cat who seemed to have sole possession of the premises, "he lingered on as long as he
decently could-and then he was given to me. I like fishi I confess; but there-he was too far gone. I couldn't finish him ; and I've heard he's somewhere on a
field in the suburbs, assisting the growth of vegetables."
AUGUST 8, 1883.
"Another water company case came before the magistrate at the Lambeth Court,
and drew forth from him some not unnatural expressions of surprise. A tenant com-
plained, in dire distress, that his supply of water had been cut off, although aid for
in advance. The company's inspector admitted the fact, and pointed out that the
Company's Act empowered them to cut off the water already paid for in cases where
certain fittings were not put in by the tenant. The magistrate said that 'a more
mischievous thing could not happen from a sanitary point of view.' This is not the
time, with cholera at our doors, to play tricks with the public health.'"--St. James's
Hz sat inert, dejected, still,
And utterly devoid of will;
A languid eye on all he turned,
As if completely unconcerned.
We looked him up and said, Do make
An effort now, for goodness' sake I
The present's not a time for doubt;
You know the cholera 's about."
A little more his visage fell:
He said, "I know it very well;
The dismal fact I don't pooh-pooh-
But what on earth am Ito do ?
"What act of mine can turn the great
Unalterable course of Fate ?
By which I mean," he said, said he,
"The London Water Companee.
"And if they hold that plagues are best,
And think we ought to have the pest,
To fight against it, don't you see?
Were gross effrontery in me !
Suppose they cut-ah I do not scoff
And anger them-the water off;
Why, what remains but, patient, dumb,
And uncomplaining, to succumb ?"
And who is this, of roughish sort,"
We said, "who sits and sips your port-
Your finest port; and smokes your nice
Cigars of most astounding price?"
"It is," said he, "none other than
The company's inspector maun;
I might appease them-who can tell?-
By treating him extremely well I
Who knows but what they might forbear
To cut me off-consent to spare,
In answer to my scalding tears,
Supposing cholera appears?"
"But why," we queried, "sit so still,
And hardly dare to breathe your fill ?
Neglect your pleasures, children, wife,
And all the interests of life ?"
"For fear," said he, "I make a move
The company may not approve."
And still in fear he sits, sits he,
Kotooing to the companee.
THE course at Goodwood was mowed a day or two before the racing
commenced. No doubt it was thought that Good-would be done to it
thereby. We were under the impression, however, that Goodwood was
always considered a la mowed.
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT.
URSDAY.--ilas/ le pan.
vre Cetewayo I Barbare
si vous voulez mair, mes
Iamis, regard&z. If he have
shock your Pellmell, and
your Street of ze Bond of
Fashion, par la m de de sa
vie, he die, like ze kings
of ze olden time, en ba.
taille. If he had been
n civilize like vite kings, he
vould have let his peoples
do ze fighting vile he
0esmoke him pipe, chez lui.
Zat is vat I sink ven I
0 z stand at ze Bar of ze
NOr CRACED YE, House of Lord, and Milor
Derby read ze telegram
S from Sir Bulver. I say to
Milor Brabourne zat ovare ze tombe of ze roi safe zey sall write, "Dunn
vas his bate noire, and now he himself is done."
In ze Commons Mr. Mundella ask us to plank down, as you say, ver
near tree million for ze School Board. I say, vit flaisir; but I say it
vould be good job, too, ifze parents who could afford vere made to pay
for ze education of zeir enfants by ze Board, instead of coming on ze
payer of rate. Ze Speakare say it is good idea, at any rate.
Friday.-Ze noble lords are in strange frame of mind regarding ze
pictures in ze robing-room. Ze lord zat is name Emily sink Mr. Her-
bert, ze artist, have not receive treatment vich vill be pleasant to his
palette-I go say palate. Milor Vaterford desire returns to show ze
vork of ze Irish Land Act, of vich he do not take a lively, aizo a bird's
eye, view. Ze Lor Chancellor say ze Committee for ze returns vill have
to go 'bacca-I mean, back again. Ze motion is vizdraw.
In ze Commons ve agree to ze motion of Mr. Stanhope to reduce ze
expenditure in India. Sir Lawson speak for about twenty minutes, but
he have nozzink new to say-even his jokes are venerable. Ve go in
Committee on ze Agricultural Holdings Bill. Encre Supply. Mr.
Salt put some peppare in ze debate.
On Monday ze Lords make great bones Apropos ze rags vich come
from Egypt. Ze Bill to close Cornvall on Sunday is vat you call dead
heat. Ze Lor Chancellor have ze vote vich cast, and he cast out ze
Bill-malgre ze Earl zat Mount ze Edge of ze come.
Ze Commons are afflict vit ze Membare for Eye, who is agi regarding
ze anarchy in Egypt. I say it is nozzink to ze anarchy inze Tory ranks.
Ze Baron of Vorms show zat ze vorm vill turn up ven least expect.
Bientte, Sir Stafford attack ze ouvoir exclusif de M. Lesseps. Mr. Nor-
vood vould not let ze motion go forvards, nor vould ze rest of ze Liberal
Party. Zare is grand debate. Enfln ze Tories are licked by 99. Ze
Speakare sit on Mr. Healy. He vill not let him resume his speech,
but make him, instead, resume his seat.
Tuesday.-En riponse d Milor Emly, Milor Derby reply zat ze
Saxon Tyrant" vill advance i,ooo,ooo to settle io,ooo Irish families
emigres in Canada.
In ze Commons ze vatare supply de Londres is discuss. I remark
zare is too much in ze visky and ze aged Thomas. Mr. Ashmead-Bart-
lett oblige vit his notorious imitation of Lord Randolph Churchill's
celebrated imitation of ze june Disraeli.
Vennisday.-Ve get tro ze Electric Light Bill ze tree time vit electric
speed. Ausei ze Agricultural Holdings Bill for England and ze dittos
for Scotland. Zare is great hooray, indeed tree time tree.
O Fickleness, thy Name is Woman I "-Anon.
A GROCERESS, who was summoned the other day for selling fat as
butter, showed the magistrate a placard she had exhibited in her shop,
upon which was printed, "Nothing is sold as genuine." The poet
is the prophet, after all; and Tennyson did say, "Things are not what
they seem;" but it is hard to see what this lady would find it profitable
to agglomerate with sand so as to increase its bulk.
"IN dressing there is a tendency to shorten the waist, and this is very
suitable for fairy-like figures," says a writer in a lady's journal. An
indignant and long-suffering paterfamilias says he wishes his girls would
shorten their waist without the "i," for at present they make the figures
of his accounts look anything but fairylike. They are, indeed, he com-
plains, too substantial to be pleasant.
A NUMBER of emigrants, who lately went from Posen to the States,
are much disappointed and dissatisfied. They found America different
from what they had been sup-Posen it was.
AUGUST 8, i883. F U NS 63
CASAMICCIOLA (ISLAND OF ISCHIA), JULY 28TH, 1883. 8 fV | I
THE evening air was filled with sounds of mirth, 'I i,
And radiant Nature seemed on all to smile; I'
But while joy reigned in Ischia's lovely isle,
Destruction lurked beneath the treacherous earth I
For suddenly the land upheaved around, -4;
Then sank-engulphing thousands at one stroke 1-
With thunderous crash; Death thus its fiat spoke,
And that bright town became a ruinous mound I
At such dread havoc horror fills each breast;
We can but pray that Heaven will comfort those
Whose dear ones perished in that earthquake's throes,
And succour all the injured and distressed.
Holiday Time. O
OH, there's joy in the house, there is gladness and mirth,
For the youngster's bright laughter rings clear on the stair,
'T is the purest and merriest sound upon earth,
Now no longer they pore over atlas and tome,
For 'tis Holiday Time, and the children are home I
Oh, there's woe in the house, and the young cheeks are wet,
And both father and mother are heavy with cares,
For the work-basket's scattered, the ink is upset, -
And poor Johnny and Polly have fallen downstairs,
While there's Bob from the garret to cellar will roam,
For 't is Holiday Time, and the children, are home! V
Then the cat has been hunted, the dog has been teased,
And Selina has given her sister a smack, .
And their mother's unhappy, their father displeased,
And, oh my how devoutly we wish they were back I
There are six, for six weeks we must dress, wash, and comb,
For 't is Holiday Time, and the children are home I
SONG for the Author or Authoress of "Wanda."-" She THE PARCELS POST.-SAFETY AND ECONOMY.
wanda'd down the mountain-side." PATERFAMILIAS POSTS HIS WIFE AND FAMILY TO THE SEASIDE.
SEASIDE KNICKNACKS. A TOLERABLY safe, easy-going outdoor occupation at Ramsgate is
SHE was as sensitive as a photographer's gelatine dry plate. "'Enery," that of the child-picker. The child.- picker gets his living during the
she cried, as she clutched fondly at his arm, while they staggered along summer months by wandering about the sands, on the look-out for m-
the gangway from the Hoboken to Margate Jetty; "'Enery, I feel that fants who trip over those necessary evils-wooden spades. "Bless yer,
giddy, I shall lose my head." Then the superior animal asserted him- sir," recently remarked a child-picker to us (in the fullness of his heart),
self, as he replied to his partner for life, "I don't believe you '11 lose "bless yer, sir, 't ain't one case out of a dozen where I snatches up a
your tongue, though." poor little infant, sticks it on its legs, an' tells the mother as I 'm a-
your tongue, thoug actin' like a father to it, as I don't git a copper or two."
A SENSE of humour is pleasant at times, but still there is a limit to
stop at, or a line to be drawn somewhere, when exercising it. We fan- MASHERS are they? the 'orrid objex, a-walkin' up an' down a-starin'
cied this idea was floating about the brain of a lady excursionist to at the gals ;-like their imperence I I 'd heavy' 'em locked up in a nunnery,
Ramsgate the other day, as she stood near the harbour, and watched I would, the scamps 1" said Mrs. Muggington.
her husband carefully fold their newly-born infant in his arms, and, with
a sickly but genial smile, seat himself upon a large block of Norwegian
ice, which was sliding down the "shoot" from the Delphin AfKragero Eye, Eye I
to the Dep6t Teutonia. UNDISMAYED, and, in fact, unaffected, by Mr. Ashmead-Bartlett's
"IT's a darling, and shall have its weight tried before it goes on the taunts, the Government does not take the trouble even to send him to
nassy boat," said an elderly lady to her pet pug, while she tenderly placed Coventry. It is quite content to leave him to "Taunt-on," assured
the puffy animal on a Margate Jetty weighing-machine. "What, gained that this western constituency would soon repudiate him, should an
five pounds since it's been down here? she continued, as she glared at election give it the chance so to do.
the unfortunate "try-yer-weight boy," with an apoplectic flush. "Why,
your chair must be all wrong I" "Chair's right enough, marm," replied
the T. Y. W. boy, as he smiled a sardonic smile; "an' the dorg 'ull be The Balance of Power.
right weight enough, too, afore he's home-sech a nice fresh breeze this A CONSERVATIVE demonstration on a large scale" is to be held
morning, marm," in North Lincolnshire. Of course, politicians "of great weight" will,
WE should be sorry to raise a cyclone of envy among the men of under the circumstances, be present.
Margate, but feel that it is only just to state that the male being in this
Isle of Thanet town, who calls forth bewildered admiration from the THE San Francisco News Letter says that soap-bubble parties are be-
London nursemaid, is that young man who every morning ascends the coming fashionable in the Western States. Whatever can have caused
"Champion" coach outside Fagg's;-his white hat, with its peculiarly them to take to this childish pastime so (soap)-sud-denly ?
curly brim, alone would cause any ordinary nurse-girl to neglect the ALL THAT "1 RUN MAY READ IT.-No doubt they may; but not
perambulator (and its contents) entrusted to her charge; but when the o u, ,"mi o
female domestic's eye rests on the youth's scarlet coat and gold facings, one cricketer out of a hundred that runs may W. W. Read it, or
visions of non-commissioned officers in the Guards flit past, and pall ever hope to.
as the awestricken damsel gazes on the shimmer of the Champion" GAITERS are supposed to be de rigueur for grouse shooting attire,
guard's uniform, and yet, strange to say, shootists always seem to long for full bags."
0' To CORRESPONDENTS.-TL e Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or jay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
64 '-TJN o AUGusr8 1883.
Periof the Pier.-"ALTHOUGH IT'S SO FINE JUST NOW, JACK, THE SAILOR MAN ON THE PIER-HEAD; SAYS HE THINKS WE SHALL
SOON HAVE A SQUALL."
yack.-"NOT THE SLIGHTEST DOUBT OF IT. LADY BEHIND YOU'S JUST DROPPED HER BABY I"
AND ALL HONOUR TO HIM His siding with poverty, hunger, and need,
"A protest against the fish monopoly in provincial towns has been made by the And foiling a selfish monopoly's greed.
Mayor of Stafford. At his own risk he ordered between one and two tons of fish
direct from Grimsby, and announced that he would sell it at twopence per pound in '
the fish market. As the average price of fish in Stafford is eightpence per pound, -- "-
there was a great rush this morning to the fish market, and the whole consignment i-_ .-.-- '" l] -- .
was sold in about forty minutes. The experiment is to be repeated." '"' 4. ---- --
FUN wishes all compliments proper to wish "".- ''r "" '
To Stafford's monopolist mongers of fish; 1 ^ .. -" .
And What do you think of it-you who conspire "' .v '
To keep up the prices? he begs to inquire, Alf--^--),t -. ',
You purpose, no doubt, at the earliest date,
To favour your Mayor with a service of plate? -
We'll wager a fortune you worship your Mayor, "":-' -? '
And long for the gift of a lock of his hayor.' -
"We'll stake our existence your minds are in train '
To joyfully help to elect him again; -
We know you regard him as filling his place
With absolute honour, discretion, and grace. EWe join in your hearty approval," says FUN,
"And bid him go on in the way he's begun ;
"We '11 furthermore wager, and venture to say, And if it should mean the collapse of your hive,
You like and approve, in the heartiest way, Well-that is a blow that the world will survive."
ain, writing a luxury ana delight.
With Oblique, Turned- "
up and Rounded Points, Suit all hands and all
work. In 6d., Is. and I gross boxes. Sold every-
where. Sample box free for 7 or 13 stamps.
JOHN HEATH, Birmingham.
It i 1wy s
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves the ad-
dition of Starch.
PURE !I 80SLUBLEII! REFRESHING111
AUGUST 15, 1883. F JN 65
A FIRST-CLASS IDEA.
Sir Bumptious Barnacles, M.P. (recognizing Fellow-Passenger).-"WHY, BACONCHAW, I-ER-WASN'T AWARE YOU TRAVELLED FIRST-
CLASS I "
Baconchaw.-' IT'S AALL REET, ZUR BOOMPTIOUS. MA TICKET'S GOTTEN PAARLYMENTRY ON IT, AN' A SEED THEE AT T' WINDOW,
SO A KNOWED WHEER TO GET IN."
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
"WHO'S been turning this paper inside out ?" asked Mr. Blunder-
berry, wrathfully, as he strove to extricate himself from the clinging
sheets of The Daily Blatherer in his desire to find his favourite leading
articles. I needn't ask-nobody but a woman has the art of so twist-
ing a newspaper that nothing but the advertisements are to be seen."
And Mr. Blunderberry tore his journal down the middle, and upset the
buttered toast with his elbow, ultimately emerging from the many.
columned sheets, which he had been whirling round his head like the
sails of a windmill, his face flushed, and his hair in reckless disorder.
"But I wanted to look at the advertisements, Solomon," said Mrs.
Blunderberry, as she tried to open a sardine-box with the sugar-tongs.
And what, madam, in the name of all the printers' devils, do you
want with advertisements? Is somebody begging you to return to your
disconsolate initials, when all will be forgiven ? Have you found the
little pug dog with a blue ribbon round its neck, answering to the name
of Sardanapalus ? Are you anxious to purchase that magnificent piano,
which a nobleman of Camden Town is forced to part with on account of
ill health? or is it that you are seeking the address of the benevolent
gentleman who always requires three or four ladies for a fashionable
West-end theatre, previous experience not necessary? Speak, Mrs.
Blunderberry, and let me know the worst."
I was hunting out the cheap trains to the seaside, Solomon,"
replied his wife, still in difficulties with the sardines.
"Hunting out And Mr. Blunderberry laughed fiendishly.
"Have you tracked the wild train to its mountain lair? Have you
netted the timid locomotive as it scuttled through the fern ? Have you
caught the savage guard, and trained him to feed from out your hand ?
Mrs. Blunderberry, you only require a red coat and a string of oaths to
be a whipper-in. Ugh I Go along with you, you Old Shekarry "
Mr. Blunderberry," cried the good lady, rising and upsetting the
sardines on the new carpet, "Mr. Blunderberry, I have endured jest,
even bordering on scurrility, without a murmur, I have submitted to
numberless indignities; but a worm-ay, even a wife-will turn.
Abuse, Mr. Blunderberry, I will not bear while there is a Divorce Court
in the land. You-you-called me-an-an-old she-old she-some-
thing or other-and-and-I won't put up with it, whatever it is."
"Pooh, pooh, my dear 1" said Mr. Blunderberry, laughing, but in a
constrained manner. I meant no harm. The expression I used is
of Eastern origin, and signifies affection. Don't look at things so
seriously. Come now, sit down and take a kidney. What was it you
said about the seaside ?"
"Oh, Solomon, if you would only always talk to me like that,"
sobbed the wife of his bosom, as she came round the table and kissed
the bald place on the top of his head; "and you really will take me to
the seaside on Saturday ? "
"Stuff and nonsense !" growled Mr. Blunderberry, I can't afford it."
Oh, Solomon," wept his better half, sinking into a chair, "and this
is what you have been hiding from me all these months I You are in
difficulties Your bankruptcy is imminent I Ruin stares us in the
face I Oh, why, why, why, did you not confide in me ? I will be
economical-indeed I will. I will give up sugar in my tea," and Mrs.
Blunderberry fished out two lumps she had just dropped into her cup,
and watched them melt in her saucer. "I will sell the sand-shoes I
bought out of my savings from the housekeeping money. I will send
away the servants and do everything myself. Oh, oh, oh I And your
parish is Lambeth and mine is Greenwich, and we shall have to go to
different workhouses when you come out of prison I"
"Great gracious I" cried Mr. Blunderberry, brushing his hat the
wrong way, "what ails the woman? Come, come, my dear, I didn't
mean to frighten you; put your sugar in your sand-shoes, and we'll go
for a week to Herne Bay. You only want a comb and several pairs
of scales to be a complete mermaid. A shell and a bit of seaweed would
fit you up complete for the Birth of Venus. Come unto these yellow
sands,'" sang Mr. Blunderberry; but as he left the house his step was
slow and his brow was dark, for he felt that on this single occasion he
had hardly supported with credit his position as lord and master of the
VOL. XXXVIII.-NO. 953.
VOL. XXXWn.-- O. 953.
AUGUST 15, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
MONG a number of plays recently pro-
duced at the Surrey, where Messrs.
Borely and Munro are indulging in a
summer season under the spirited man-
agement of Mr. Alfred Stafford, one,
S- r- Rags and Bones, by Mr. F. A. Scuda-
'i'4 more, afforded an opportunity of the re-
appearance of Mrs. Alfred Mellon. The
part, I am told (and the play too, for
that matter), was rather crudely con-
.: ceived and generously worded, but Mrs.
Mellon was enabled to show that she
had lost none of her old melodramatic
THE SURSvY.-" RAGS AND I was favoured with an invitation on
BONES." Saturday week to be present at the dress
rehearsal of two new ballets, which have
since been produced, at the South London Music Hall. Such things
are usually well done at these
places of entertainment (perhaps,
after all, their natural home), -_
and Danger and Delight, the
two new ones referred to, for in-
vention, grace, agility, costume, I
and mise-en-schne will bear com-
parison with the best I 've seen.
The absence of a programme
and an imperfect acquaintance
with the personal appearance of "
music hall artists puts me in a '
difficulty with regard to names, ---
The clever Mile. Luna was, of --_
course, not to be mistaken ; it is "' -
impossible, too, for the nimble! /
and original Mr. D'Auban or t, ; '
his sprightly and graceful wife .. -
to hide their lights under a _
bushel, and I fancy I recognized, _-
amid the strange and supple Z._ ."
contortions of a clerical gentle SOTH LONDON UsIc HALL-AN UPPER
man in the first, and what ap- STORNc.
peared to be an eccentric vege-
table of the carrot species in the second ballet, the legs and lineaments
of Mr. E. Storey; but a gentleman
S who was at one time an elderly lady
___f. _'_ :" I"'1 'of robust physique and free ideas on
I i the exposure of lower limbs, and at
another a turnip, two lady "high-
'.i1L [; kickers" who managed somehow to
,|' i- i \combine grace with that gymnastic
i' -style of dancing, a little dot of about
S, seven or eight who did a couple of
S dances better, perhaps, than might
have been expected, and two chil-
dren but little older who danced
(or one of them, at least) with a
style and finish not beaten by their
DRURY LANE.-" FREE DUMB." elders, must remain unidentified as
far as I am concerned. Mr. Ulph,
under whose superintendence both ballets have been produced, deserves
every praise for that
and theliberal mount-
ing he has bestowed
Freedom at Drury 9
Lane is avery exciting
piece. Acts of vio- .
lence and treachery in
much variety con-
stantly succeed each .
cracks up his own
country in sounding
phrase (and it is satis-
factory to find that -
the English naval
officer, who is the hero DRURY LANE. -MisS LORING OBJECTS TO LORING
of the piece, far out- HER COLOURS TO THE INFIDEL.
strips all competitors
in this exciting contest, so that English patriotism is happy), and the
consumption of gunpowder is enormous. But what with patriotic boasts
and exploding pistols, it is rather difficult to find the story. It seems, how-
ever, that a gentleman who is generally alluded to as a rough bay" (and
whom, therefore, it is not to be wondered at that the hero, naval man
though he be, finds some difficulty in getting,,over) desires to possess"
(that is the goodly melodramatic term) the
S daughter of a banker, who is already engaged
to the before-mentioned naval hero. "A
rough bay's machinations to that end, and
4 the naval hero's resistance, constitute the
whole story. There is an incidental Ameri-
can, an incidental Dutchman, an incidental
: Cretan slave, and an incidental admiral's
-, widow, with-shall I say?-an incidental
'"'. daughter. British bravery is conspicuous
.l i throughout; the bravery with which Mr.
Harris penetrates alone into the most private
apartments of an Eastern palace, and the
S' bravery with which Mr. Edgar peeps over a
wall in the midst of an Oriental street row
(being promptly shot for his pains), is only
Sequalled by the bravery with which the bold
British bridesmaids, led by Captain Addie
DRURY LANE.-Miss ADDIE Gray, plunge into the fading mele as the
GRAY, THE INTREPID LEA-
DRR OF THE BOLD BRITISH curtain descends.
It is a piece which is sure-from some
points of view aggravatingly sure-of success. There is some freshness
obtained by the authors of a sensational drama having turned from the
Arab of the streets to the Arab of the desert-the change is undeniably
picturesque in result. The mounting, too, is at once magnificent and
tasteful. The opening scene bears the im-
press of realism, and shows most careful and
intelligent stage-management, while the halt
of the caravan in the last act presents a vivid
and effective picture of Eastern life in the
desert, which is of surpassing interest and
beauty. Besides this, the work of the
incomparable William Beverley Araf's
Palace and the Nile by Moonlight-are very
complete, and beautiful contributions from '
the brush of Mr. Walter Emden. The
dresses are appropriate, and the handling ,
and grouping of the numerous auxiliaries
are evidence of immense thought and labour
happily crowned with complete success. .
The company is made up of some of our
cleverest performers. Mr. James Fernandez,
as a Bey, seems born to fez and Koran, and DRu BUT, -THISOUGH A
ROWEa, BUT, THOUGH A
Mr. Harry Nicholls, with some highly Orien- MALE, NOT THE HE-ROWE.
tal anathemas, such as May paving-stones ONE OF THE AUTHORS.
fall upon thee! or something of the sort, is
the unwashed and wily Eastern to the life; but the authors couldn't
get over the fact that he is a clever pantomime actor, so they provided
him with that nonsensical clown and pantaloon business with the women
in the Hut scene. Mr. Harris surprised his heartiest detractors by his
realistic make-up and acting in the last act.
Mr. Rowe has provided himself with a part
that can be walked through, and he walks
through it with effect. Miss Sophie Eyre's
-. dramatic intensity and truth have little scope
in the part of the jealous Suleima, but she
makes her presence felt nevertheless. Mr.
P k Henry George's slave trader is a very artistic
and judicious piece of acting, and Miss Lydia
Foote's fine instinct of pathos is impressive
.* even in the trivial part she has to sustain.
Want of space compels me to postpone my
notice of the opening piece at Messrs. Holt
and Wilmot's beautiful new theatre at Isling-
ton, most aptly called The Grand.
DRURY LANE.-THIS I THE Miss Santley reminds me that The Merry
AUTHOR ONE, THEIR AFFI- Duchess has passed its looth representation.
NITY IS PLAIN. THIS IS I've not been able to look in lately, but I
THE HE-ROWE. hear on all sides, that for any appearance of
public interest falling off, it might be in its
first week; and a piece with so much talent of all kinds to boast of,
presented so completely in such a pretty and comfortable house, tho-
roughly deserves the success which has fallen to its lot.
AUGUST 15, 1883. FU N 67
The Eve of Saint Grouse.
'T WAS the Eve of Saint Grouse, and we saw them assembled,
Perspiring, and gasping, and longing for bed;
The Tories still twaddled, the Whigs they still trembled,
But blue, buff, and green, they were all of them red.
They dozed o'er a big agricultural grievance,
Pretending they were brisk as waltzes by Strauss,
For only this thought filled exhausted St. Stephens-
The Eve of Saint Grouse.
The Eve-more enticing than archaic madam
From whence all humanity fancies it starts;
The Eve-who excites all our sportsmanlike Adam,
Not damaging ribs, but impassioning hearts.
They fixed yearning eyes on the adamant Premier
(That's all of the Adam he has in the House);
Then talk you made duller, and eyes you made dreamier,
O Eve of Saint Grouse.
Canals ?-what canals are as sweet as your water,
O lochs which the limp legislature allure;
The cholera's killing: he thinks of bird slaughter;
They dose him with Egypt: he dreams of the Moor.
All rhetoric's flowers are faint, flat, and faded,
Like J. Biggar's nonsense, like Labouchere's nous,
To men who have reached, listless, lifeless, and jaded,
The Eve of Saint Grouse.
But, ah says the chief, who's despotic when duty
Commands, like a Persian, or Russian, or Turk:
My aim is improvement, while your aim is booty;
The grouse is fair game, but I go in for work.
And if our mean subjects, false scandals, sham sorrows,
Your mountains of talk brought forth more than a mouse,
Perhaps one might give you agreeable morrows
To Eves of Saint Grouse. '
MR. GLADSTONE lately presented a bell to the English
church at Penmaenmawr. There are some among the Oppo-
sition who think he should first have rung the knell of his
Government with it, or have added another "tongue" to it,
viz., his own. Others, again, declare that it is a proof of the
Premier's bell-icose disposition; but though the right hon.
gentleman has given away this bell-metal, it will be found he
has still enough mettle of his own left.
WASTE NOT IN DREAMS.
Little Girl.-" OH PA DEAR, I 'VE DREAMT SUCH A NICE DREAM,
THAT YOU GAVE ME A PIECE OF' CAKE. GIVE IT ME, AND IT WON'T
MAKE ME ILL."
Papa.-"GO BACK TO BED, DEAR, AND DREAM YOU HAVE EATEN IT.
IT WILL SAVE THE CAKE, AND A POWDER TOO."
WARBLES OF THE WEEK.
SET TO THE AIRS OUR FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES,
No. 7.-A SONG WHICH GOES-TO THE HEART AT ONCE.
AIR-" Had I a Heart."
AD I a heart for
.And glazed and
hung in view,
You'd see for
.me it might be
That all my
news is new.
For you who
will not bear
You 'll sneer at
all the aged
-And revel in
Now, first to
And have their flitting "through ";
A whale at Westminster you 11 meet,
And greet with joyful tongue
(With scorn what's old in this you'll treat,
But revel in the young).
Another journey o'er the sea
(Balloon-wise) I peruse;
I also note their setting free
Those poor Hungarian Jews;
A revoloosh at Badajoz
Quite soon aside was flung
(You needn't mind what's old, becoz
You revel in the young).
Bank Holiday is passed; to Cowcs
The crowd has been-and gone;
A clever fluke at last allows
The Pigeons' Measure on;
And oped is Noel Park-now treat
With smiles the news I've strung,
Forgive me all the aged you meet,
And revel in the young.
Although it may be my conceit,
To this belief I've clung,
That not a bit of aged you'll meet
And precious little young I
MOTTO for those who Strive to Climb Mont Blanc, &c.-" Every
little Alps I"
68 FUN. AUGUST 15, 1883.
They thought they would like to cross the Atlantic in a balloon for their holiday. "It's all gong too smoothly," they said. "It's absurdly safe and slow Let's cut
off the car and hang on by our toes."
And presently they alighted on the ocean, and had the satisfaction ot making a liner come right from the horizon out of its way to rescue them.
What a scandalous thing," they were overheard to agree afterwards, "that there shouldn't be more life-saving apparatus on hoard! Suppose the ship were to
founder; what chance should we have?"
iFUN.-AUGUST 15, 1883.
A PARCEL FOR POSTERITY.
ohtnny Bull.-"OH IF YOU PLEASE, MR. CHILDERS, I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE A BIT OF IT NOW."
A PARCEL FOR POSTERITY.
A PRETTY pace the world doth wag;
Change follows rapidly on change;
Invention never seems to flag,
But constantly extends its range;
And now we actually boast
Possession of a Parcels Post.
Suppose you have a friend, some man
Who lives, say, fifty miles away,
You want to send him fruit-you can,
Or to dispatch his coat-you may;
Or else, suppose-but there's a host
Of virtues in the Parcels Post.
'T is safe to pay; the point, though, which
The more especially concerns,
Is not its profits that enrich
Th' Exchequer, but its quick returns;
And expedition is the most
Bright feature in our Parcels Post.
That being so, when Mr. C.
To kindly ease the nation's debt
Sends money to posterity,
Which John Bull wishes he may get,
Why can't he use--I 've not the ghost
Of an idea-the Parcels Post ?
AUGUST 15, 1883. FUN. 71
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
"AGREEABLY TO THE LAW."
MR. CONN-SEWMER. A MANUFACTURER OF BUTTERINE.
MANUFACTURER OF BUTTERINE. Dear me I It chills me to the
heart to see you thus. Your face is absolutely livid, your nerves wholly
unstrung, your breakfast entirely untouched, you tremble after the
manner of a leaf-nay, an aspen-leaf I Has kindly sleep forsaken-
Mr. CONN-SEWMER. Oh, no, no, no I Speak not to me of sleep I I
have indeed but slept too much I Such dreams, such horrors-but no,
I dare not reveal them I
MANU. OF BUTT. You shall not. The manufacturer of butterine is
far too unselfish to seek to gratify himself at the price of pain to a
fellow-creature, and that fellow-creature a consumer; yet give me an
outline of your dreams.
MR. CONN-SEWMER. I have dreamed a dream of things the law per-
mits. I shudder at the recollection of such horrors. Ha I I swoon !
MANU. OF BUTT. How can I assist-
Mr. CONN-SEWMFR. Hand me something illegal-larceny, forgery,
perjury,murder-anything whose comparative pleasantness and veniality
may reduce the effect of the more horrible legal things. Thanks; I
am better. I dreamed of one with plausible and complacent mien, who
bade me to an exhibition. I went with him. He showed me many
things I had never seen before; strange forms in various metals and
"These," said the Complacent One, "are tools suited to the require-
ments of burglars and swindlers in general. Made them all,"
What I" I exclaimed; "you dare to exhibit tools made for the use
No," replied the Manufacturer, indignantly. Not madefor the
use of,' but suited to the requirements of.' There is the greatest difference.
You see, the articles are even stamped with the words Honesty is the
Best Policy,' for the purpose of-- "
Deceiving the public ?"
"Oh, dear, no I for the purpose of-of-a- "
"But the Law will be down upon--"
"Oh, dear, no I The Law is open to reason, and prides itself upon
its consistency. It will recognize the distinction between the two phrases
I have emphasized. See, here it come.."
And I saw the Lawlapproaching with the glaring eye of one who has
discovered an offender; it stretched forth its claw to seize the exhibits,
but the Manufacturer whispered in its ear, "Not 'made for the use of,'
only 'suited to the requirements of.' Cannon Street Hotel. Consis.
tency I" and the Law hesitated, drew back its claws, and shuffled away
Then the Complacent Manufacturer took me into another department,
and there were various strange compounds. These," said he, "are
various deadly poisons, mixed up in various ways with ordinary food,
and rendered palatable. They consist for the most part of those poisons
whose effects are most subtle and difficult to trace to their cause. They
are suited to the requirements of poisoners who desire to put any one
quietly out of the way. Made them."
"You unblushingly tell me," said I, "that you have manufactured
poisons for the use of--"
"Must I again tell you," said the Manufacturer, deeply hurt, "that
they are merely 'suited to the requirements of,' and not-"
Oh, no I I see," said I, as the Law once more came up to seize, and
once more retired defeated.
"And here," continued the Manufacturer, "are various instruments
suited to the requirements of other classes of murderers, stranglers,
bleeders, suflocaters, drowners, stabbers, and so forth. This elaborate
plant is suitable for-not intended for-the manufacture of counterfeit
coin; this, bank notes; that, postage and other stamps. But, you see,
they all bear a trade mark calculated to-a-"
"'Deceive?" The Law was almost hysterical about these latter ex-
hibits ; but the talismanic words always had their effect, and the exhi-
bition was allowed.
And just as all these things were about to be applied to me, I awoke.
Even now I am not well.
MANUF. OF BUTT. You need relaxation and enlivening entertain-
ment-sights and surroundings wholly different in character from your
dream. You shall have them. We will take a ticket to Cannon Street,
and walk round the Exhibition of Butterine. See how delightfully
everything is at contrast with the horrors of your dream I
MR. CONN-SEWMER. Eh? Bless me why, here's a cow on the
pats, and butter-kegs, and baskets, and-Help I Take me away I
Will some one wake me?
THE ELATED POSTER.
I SAY-hooray I Let 's up and cheer!
The Parcels Post, you know, it's here I
It is I By Jove, it 's here at last-
I 've dreamed of it for ages past,
For, if you please, I 've such a host
Of things to send by Parcels Post;
About from last December's end
I've saved the things I had to send;
And I 've collected, furthermore,
Old useless objects by the score,
And wrapt them up against the day
When I could send them all away.
I found one problem quite appal-
Wherever to address them all I
Among the most enchanting games
Is going and inventing names.
But 1 addressed them-neatly too;
And now they fill a room, they do;
And now I 'm going to enjoy
The fun of posting them, my boy.
And now I "11 take 'em-who's afraid ?-
And have 'em severally weigh'd
And measured round-the best of jokes,
I tell you, for the postal folks I
Eh? "Overweight"? That parcel? Zounds !
I don't believe it I "Ninety pounds"?
When that was wrapped, I say again,
Its weight was seven to a grain.
"I weighed it?" Not as I 'm aware ;
But I can carry it-look there I-
And so it's most absurd to state,
Declare, and swear it's overweight I
How can you tell me, and repeat,
That this one measures forty feet ?
It don't; I know it as a fact;
It measures three feet six exact.
What kind of measure had I? Why,
I always measure with my eye;
But that's conclusive in effect-
My eye is awfully correct.
Your incorrectness it befits
To say this parcel's all to bits;
It isn't-but the paper 's thin,
And rotten-and the moth's got in.
"And what's in this ?" You have no right
To ask me; but it's dynamite,
What? Can't convey it? Fudge and stuff I
You'll find it travels safe enough.
Upon my word, I think you're most
Exacting with your Parcels Post I
My pristine joy is turned to gall-
Here, give 'em back. I'll burn 'em all I
72 FUN. AUGUST 15, 1883.
"HOW THE RICH LIVE:"
BY SHINY SEAMS AND HAL 'LOW!
THESE papers would be incomplete
without at least a passing reference
to some of the many efforts which
have already been made to deal with
the evils arising from the condition of
things it has been my desire to expose.
The myriad methods practised by
\ self-denying philanthropists for the re-
lief of the rich I have not space to deal
with. Bubble companies, impossible
charities, Salvation Armies, daughters
I of deceased naval officers, gentlemen
in want of only twopence more to
t make up the price of a spade, there
are in abundance, all of which, in a
manner more or less satisfactory, con-
siderably relieve the wealthy.
One or two I may touch upon, how-
There is the begging-letter writer.
This is male or female, and ranges
from the poor clerk who has lost his
fOTHER, situation from illness (and will be
satisfied with anything, from a crust
of bread to a grand piano, for which he will call as often as you like),
to the mother of sixteen small children, who is trying to get together a
trifling sum wherewith to open a small shop, her only chance of support,
and whose weak arithmetic necessitates her frequent retirement to the
privacy of a public house bar to total up the amount received, and see
how she's getting on.
Then we have the vendors of fancy-priced articles, such as old china
and real Coreggios.
A large amount of relief is given, as has been before hinted in these
papers, by captains clever at icarti, and majors knowing of horseflesh
and ready with a billiard cue.
Ladies are not so well supplied with outlets for their cash, but their
superior ingenuity in spending places them pretty well on a par with the
sterner sex. Milliners and dressmakers do their utmost to assist them,
but the means are, after all, inadequate to the end, even with the added
philanthropic efforts of ladies'-maids, who strain their every effort to
prevent their mistresses wearing a dress a second time.
Others, inventive of mind and full of the desire to relieve the unhappy
rich, come to the rescue, however, bringing into fashion curious and
unusual occupations and amusements. Of these are they who establish
schools of cookery (where ladies may roughen their hands and blacken
aprons at one guinea the lesson), or teach the violin for many years,
at thirty shillings per diem. One gentleman I know did much good as an
instructor of the noble art
of self-defence. Many a
time have I seen two fair
and high-born daughters of
our noble English race in-
dulging in an animated set-
to with the gloves amid the
excited plaudits of a roused-
crowd of friends and sym-
pathizers, all of whom had
been relieved considerably
of their haunting trial-
money-by the kindly-
hearted instructor and pro-
prietor of the rooms.
"Go it, your Grace !"
cried the interested and,
for the nonce, happy by-
standers, made happy by
the thoughtful charity of
"the professor." And her
Grace "went it," lightly,
gracefully, and aristocra-
tically-" went it" in
unconscious imitation of
Roman maids and matrons
of gladiatorial memory.
But by far the most effec.
tual and wide-spreading
relief rendered to the un. "GO IT V
happy rich comes from the system of tips-tips to porters, tips to ser-
vants, tips to waiters, &c., &c., &c.
I have been told that these papers are uncalled-for-(I know they are
uncalled-for; I always send them myself, and the machine is never kept
waiting more than a couple of days)-that nobody cares about the rich,
or wants to know what they are doing, or how they live. That may be
so. There are many, I know, who would willingly do their level best
to help the cause I have at heart. But in the main that may be so. To
those others-to those indifferent ones-I turn, and appealing to that
selfishness which is, happily, implanted in every bosom, point to this
system of tips as a source of incalculable social danger, threatening the
very existence of the middle class. The rich tip liberally in their desire
to make the most of a providential outlet; the middle class perforce
follow suit to the best of their ability, or neglect would be their portion.
This must tell severely on the latter
in the long run, and the day is not -
far distant when its worst effect will
be seen-ruin and beggary. The
storm is quiescent now, but the day
will come when it will burst forth '
in all its fury, and swamp the reck- .- --
less disregarders of public duty, un- -
less they take warning in time, and
follow my advice.
The melancholy and heart-rend- 'e
ing scenes through which I have -
conducted the reader, as, chapter 0:
by chapter, I have pursued my plan .-
of unfolding the manifold trials .
and hardships of the rich, have, I
hope, made them think; and, I
trust, made them feel miserable.
Made them think (and think their
hardest) in the endeavour to devise -
means of relieving the crowd of un- A COOKKRY EXHIBITION.
happy men and women I have depict -
ed of their incubus; made them miserable that they know of so few means-
I have little more to tell, anything more I might say would be bul
to give in detail what I have already given in general terms. But I
do not think it well to conclude with a melancholy note ; so next week,
in a concluding chapter, I will give a few examples of how the rich
amuse themselves, so that we may finish, with what good heart we may,
this series of interesting and exhaustive papers.
(Final gruesomenesses next week.)
(To the Editor of FoN.)
SIR,-The articles in your admirable paper, entitled How the Rich Live," have
my hearty approval. I think I could turn my hand to something of the sort myself.
What do you think of this?-
Taking my accustomed rounds, I stepped into the chambers of a rich young man in
Piccadilly. He was sitting disconsolately in a luxurious arm-chair in his drawers
and shirt, gazing ruefully at a large collection of morning suits laid out by his
servant in tempting array. The
young man was unable, amid
this excess of clothing, to make
a choice, and his misery was
scored in deep lines upon his
brow. Poor young fellow had
he not been rich, this trouble
would never have come upon
Scarcely a stone's throw from
this scene, in a flat near Kensing-
ton Gore, a similar scene was
being enacted. A beautiful
oung girl was dressing for
dinner. The gently nurtured
daughter of a haughty house,
with a tender mother, an indul-
gent father, and admiring bro-
Ithen; yet she tottered in the
arms ofher six lady's-maids, faint
and exhausted with the fatigue
of hours spent in the endeavour
to select one from the three dozen
or so suites of jewels wherewith
to deck herself.
Almost on the same doorstep,
in Bayswater, I overheard the
Whay didn't you turn up
the other nait?"
"Deah boy, ay've fifteen dress
suits and fawty different kainds
of collar. Tamne I could make
up maind what to wa-ah, too
Always the same sad story I
Can nothing be done? I don't
know. I've written my letter
any way.-Yours truly,
UR GRACE ROMANUM SUM.
AUGUST 15, 1883. FU N. 73
A Whale-but not of Woe I
IT was the famed Farini, who is up to many a notion,
And far away in foreign parts he met a youthful whale;
Near his "school" the whale was joyously disporting in the
Making shuttlecocks of vessels with his horizontal tail.
"Will you come with me, my little dear?" exclaimed Farini
"To a certain place at Westminster, a very noted spot; <
There you'll find our glorious Parliament, where all M.P.s
Work together for the nation's good-a peaceful, happy lot.
"You are fifteen feet in length, yet blush unseen, as I con. 'A
In this vast amount of water; I can offer you a tank,
Where you'11 be a sort of idol, while I on your habits lecture,
And you'll there be fed and fited, and achieve the highest I
"You've been lately weaned, you tell me; therefore leave V
your doting mother
Ere those wicked whalers come along with harpoon and
I offer you a happy home; you 'll ne'er get such another,
For England is the finest land you '11 find beneath the sun.
"I will name you 'Prince,' the 'Prince of W(h)ales'-a
"Enough I" exclaimed the mammal; "yes, Farini, I will
So packing up his luggage, off he started for this nation,
And he holds receptions daily at the Royal Aquari-um!
A SPECIAL correspondent says, that "Considerable sensa-
tion has been produced among the natives of Tonquin by the
report of an apparition in the form of two black flags, said
to be visible in the sky at dawn-the one bearing the cha-
racter Li," and the other Lin." The first would perhaps ON THE MOOR S.
be Li-able to cause commotion, but the other, being of a
Lin-en kind, need hardly have been expected to do so. The W. E. G.-" BIRDS VERY WILD, JOHN-NOT MUCH SPORT THIS
apparition, however, does not seem to have caused their SEASON."
spirits to flag.
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT. necessity. Ze Escottish Local Government Board Bill is talked out by
ze Tories, vit ze able assistance of Mr. Varton. L'Union fail la
HE MEMBER F 'EE WANrs TO KNOW N Sursday, ze 5 Augusts.- Force." VoilhI zey act en bloc.
fZe noble Lords are busy vit I small demand ze Grand Old Man to give me peerage. Ma foil even
noble vork-zat is, ze new ze half Saturday holiday it is not safe in ze Commons, and to have to
Bill of Merchant Shipping, listen on Saturday to ze Membare for Eye, it is, indeed, to add insult to
Srvich ins brought in by Milor injury. Sir Harcourt can put up vit ze injury, but not ze insult, c'est four.
Norton to protect ze fisher- guoi, ven Mr. Bartlett accuse ze Government Vips vit misleading Mem.
(." boy who some time get ver bares, he lash him vit ze vip of his resentment. Ma foil apris tout it is not
.fishy fate. I have hear of so bad mbme on Saturday to see ze Membare for Eye sat on. I sall
some of zem who have call Sir Harcourt Eye Lash. Malgr6 Mr. Varton et autres, Sir
S' catch too many vhales Harcourt dispose of ze motion of Mr. Dalrymple to block ze Escotch
Across zeir back. Local Board Bill. There is von more stand made against ze Bill of Mr.
Ze Baron of Vorms try Anderson to protect ze pigeons, but, as you say, it is six to four on ze
'"3 _- ver hard in ze Lower House bird.
to vat you call pump ze Monday.-Milor Forbes say present ze drainage of London should be
/ G 0. M. ven ze troops looked into. Milor Turlow say, "To be sewer," and zey go to have a
Egp ?drain togezzare.
Old Spouter he vill not be On ze African vote, in ze Commons, Mr. Gorst move to reduce it by
pump, and ze Baron vorms ze salary of ze British Resident-puisque British subjects are murdered,
ver leetle out of him. Mr. Richard say zat next Session he sall move to and British allies smoked a. mort in ze Transvaal, vat is the use of
move ze Church of England. I sail call him not Richard ze Sird, but British Resident ? Cependant, ze vote is agree to; mais, sans doute John
Richard ze Absurd. In Supply Truseful Thomas desire abolish ze Bull owes ze Boer a licking, and ze creditor vill bore him till he pay.
Lyon King-at-Arms, ze Family Herald, le crois, of Scotland. Sir Lusk Tuesdav.-Milors Vemyss and Bramvell try to estop ze Scotch Agri.
say no, England have its Garter King-at-Arms. I say I sink ze Garter cultural Holdings Bill. Mais, it is Scotch, but zey cannot kill it, and,
King he should be at legs. deplus. zeir is no holdingit.
"Britons, zey nevare, nevare, nevare small be esclaves, jamas!" But Ze Chancellor of ze Exchequer bring in Bill to treat ze National Debt
on Friday Milor Shaftesbury tell ze Lords zat ze petits enfants apprentice come jockey or lady vit too much vaist-c'est H dire, to reduce its
to ze acrobats are vorse zan esclaves. Milor Dalhousie for ze School figure. C'est lu la deuxilme fois I
Board, and Milor Carrington for ze Local Government Board, vill look Vennisday.-Mr. Ashley have hear Cetewayo is singing "Not dead
after ze childs on ze stage boards, but it is too late zis Session to make yet" vezzare it is true ine soil pas. Ve go in Committee on ze Corrupt
new Bill. Ze subject, enfin, like ze leetle boy on ze trapeze too often, is Practice till six keures, zen I leave ze din of ze House for ze dinnare at
dropped. ze Mansion House.
Because ze railvay company at Strome Ferry have broke ze Sunday, z
ze crowd have broke ze peace. Sir Campbell desire to know did not ze LAYING UP FOR A "RaINY" DAY.-Saving money for your "bridal"
railvay break also ze law? Ze Lord Advocate say no, it vas york of trip.
WT To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. It no case will Iihy te returned unlas
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
AUGUST 15, 1883.
_ndignanl Toper.-" SURE THESE PAPERS IS FOOLS LOWER ANIMALS CAN LIVE WITHOUT STIMULANTS I' WE 'RE NOT LOWER,
ANIMALS. WHAT'S ALL THE DIFFERENCE BETWIXT ME AN' A PIG? HE DRINKS WEATHER, AN' OI DHRINK WHISKEY. THAT'S
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-I should think it was glorious. I've refrained from boasting
before, so that the first wave of astonishment should pass over; but, Sir,
those tips Oh, those tips 1 What do you think of the Old Man now ?
What do you grudgingly and carpingly think of him, eh? Is he not
great ? Look at those tips I Goodwood Stakes-
The man who would mildly prefer to enjoy
A fortunate height that the faculties dazes,
Had better by chalks back the swift CORRIE RoY !I
Or stick to Palermo, and back him like blazes."
Palermo scratched, only Corrie Roy left-who won? Corrie Roy-
good. Knight of Burghley was scratched for the Stewards' Cup, so that
don't count-that's good, too, as he would have won with a run. Then
look at the Goodwood Cup ; what did I say?-
"Dutch Oven, too, as you may see,
Will number 2, or maybe 3 ;
But Border Min-strel, when all's done,
Will toddle in as No. I."
There I who gave you absolute first and third, and no mistake about it,
eh? Who-r-eh I Then look at the Brighton Cup I Did you ever?
"And Border Minstrel seems to be the best of all the three."
But read it through-read it through, Sir I And Border Minstrel
walked over! Oh, what a prophet you've got Nothing can lick that,
so I can afford to laugh over the scratching of Goggles, which I gave for
the Chesterfield, and rest on my laurels. Therefore I shall give no tip
this week, but look out for the Ebor Handicap selection in my next.
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
"The Angel of Love," and other poems, by R. T. Sturgess. Many
sweet flowers of thought blossom in the pages of this book.
"The District Railway Guide and Directory to the International
Fisheries Exhibition "-issued by Alfred Boot and Son-with its beau-.
tifully coloured plan of the buildings and grounds, and map of the
suburban railways converging on the Exhibition, ought to be an accept-
able help to visitors.
American Dishes,/and How to Cook Them," from the recipes of an
American lady (T. Fisher Unwin).-Many a "toothsome" dish can be
prepared by following the American lady's recipes for appeasing the
hungry or "tickling" the dainty appetite.
"The CLEAN Black Lead."
JAMES' 6OLD MEDAL
Successive awards M fo o a
for Excellence of I I H
Quality and CAUTION. If
Cleanliness in use. 0W Cocoa thickens in the
BLACK LEAD span -- =. d.-a. o
.v ne w r, cs SxPri edition of tsh.s
BKWARE of Worthless Imitations. amBox.;ostfreeastotheWorksB -. PURE 1!! SOLUBLE I! REFRESHING 111
Londo n: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Flee Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August 15th, 1883.
AUGUST 8, 1883.
ONLY ANOTHER EFFECT OF OUR HOT-BED FORCING SYSTEM OF EDUCATION.
Elder Sister.-" COME, MADE, TELL ME THE COLOUR OF THIS PRETTY FLOWER, AND ITS NAME."
Maude.-" COLOUR? WHY, THE SAME TINT AS THE NOSE BELONGING TO THAT OBJECTIONABLE AGED PERSON WHOM OUR POOR
WIDOWED MATER THOUGHT FIT TO MARRY RECENTLY-VIZ., RED-DISTINCTLY RED! ITS NAME, OF COURSE, IS 'PAPAVER,' OR
POPPY-FROM PAPA,' THE CELTIC WORD FOR PAP-BEING CALLED SO BECAUSE IT IS GIVEN TO INFANTS WITH THEIR FOOD AS A
NARCOTIC. SHALL WE TAKE A FEW SPECIMENS OF THE PLANT HOME TO DROP INTO PAPA-IN-LAW'S GRUEL TO-NIGHT? HE'S IN
HIS SECOND CHILDHOOD."
MORE TRADE DEPRESSION.
A DEEP gloom had fallen over the diseased meat interest down Can-
ning Town way, and there was much sadness among the putrid cow
circles of Ratcliffe Highway. It seemed as if a check had come to the
pristine prosperity, and as if trade were not "looking up in its wonted
The words that fell from the lips of the interested ones were words of
deep disappointment, not unmixed with indignation; the ones hung
about the street corners; the putrid meat market ruled dull, with an in.
clination toward a further depression.
No, the bisness ain't what it was, that's what I say," murmured an
influential manufacturer of putrid sausages ; the licence is getting' what
you may say almost proibitive; jest think of one hundredd pound t"
Ar-one hundredd pound I It's shortsighted of the Guvment to allow
it, I say; mark my words if it don't ernilate the trade bodily before
long," said a substantial high-dog-patty maker.
"I believe poor ole Charlie'll cut the trade once for all," said the
putrid sausager. "A hundredd pou- wy, it's enough to crush the
enterprisinest feller. I ain't bin asked for no more than ten pound at a time
as yet; but I've made up my mind that the werry first time I'm asked
for even so much as fifty I'll cut the 'ole bisness-I will. Iain'tgoin'
to contribute to the revenoo at that rate."
"No more ain't I; I'm settled about that too," said the high.dog-
So 'm I too," chorused a knot of gentlemen in various branches of
the same industry; "and the Budget '11 suffer in the end."
We were saddened when we heard this conversation, for it evidently
shadowed forth the decadence of yet one more of our British industries;
and we felt but too keenly that our commercial interests needed no
Long did we seek for information as to the cause of the discontent
described; and at length our endeavours were rewarded by the discovery
of this passage in our newspaper :-
"For having in his possession a large quantity of diseased meat,
CHARLES WAGNER, a pork butcher in Canning Town, was, at West
Ham Police Court, fined one hundred pounds and costs, the magistrate
declaring the case as bad as any he had ever heard, and it was with some
hesitation he had decided on not sending the defendant to prison without
the option of a fine."
Really this shortsighted persecution of trade is-but there I we sup.
pose it is useless to expostulate with the authorities.
By the way, when is Mr. Macfarlane's very sensible suggestion lately
made in the House, as to imprisoned putrid-meaters being fed upon their
own wares, to take the form of a Bill?
Wagers in Kind.
A RACY little par. in one of the evening journals recently stated that
Mr. Norwood, M.P., has bet his umbrella that Mr. Bradlaugh will be
admitted to the House within a certain period. It is devoutly to be
hoped that this wager will be the exception, and not the rule, otherwise
it may be followed up in this manner :-
We understand that Mr. P. A. Taylor has bet his great-coat that the
vaccination laws will be repealed before 1884.
We hear that Sir Wilfrid Lawson has bet an amount equal to his next
quarter's water rate that the principle of local option shall have come
into practice before next summer.
We are informed that Mr. Herbert Gladstone has bet several pairs of
trousers with Mr. Parnell on the question of Home Rule, the precise
nature of which we have been unable to ascertain.
Mr. Warton has bet his snuff-box and his every-day hat that Mr. Ash-
mead-Bartlett will be Prime Minister, and Lord Randolph Churchill
Opposition Leader, within ten months.
VOL, XXXYUII-NO. 94
76 FUN. AUGUST 22, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
T cannot be denied that the theatre
*^." ~ which has risen from the ashes of
-g--- .- j'z._ p the old Philharmonic (I spare you
the Phoenix on this occasion) at
_Islington is well and fully entitled
to be called The Grand. Its spa-
!- -- t -- cious stalls and circle, the general
-_ beauty of its internal arrangements
and decoration, its broad corridors
and staircases, designed, orna-
mented, and finished in the best
style, its convenient retiring, cloak,
and refreshment-rooms (too con-
venient I found these latter when
I was there, for Trophonius, who
never has any change, was my
companion), and its many pre-
cautions and exits in case of fire,
..... show that the lucky Islingtonians
have the chance of enjoying every
luxury of a West-end theatre at
"- their elbow.
The main item of the opening
THE AND.- programme, Mr. Sefton Parry's
THE GRAND.T HE NEDLE. THE WOULD- Te Bright Future, can claim no
BE SUICIDE A LONG TIME COMING TO The Bgt Future, can claim no
THE POINT, very high praise on the score of
novelty, but it is probably well
suited to its locality and purpose, and it certainly has the merit of not
coming from Parrys-I mean Paris. From an artistic point of view,
however, it is a mistake to depict as heroine one who has committed a
faux pas without much apparent excuse, and as hero the individual who
is to blame, and who
coolly leaves her in ," -
the lurch, subse- I
quently also stealing ;I
a large sum of mo- ", I .-i
ney. The develop- I 4
ment of the story Li i .
gives opportunity 1_-
for the effective in- ----
troduction of some ''" .
realistic scenes-the -
ment in the snow, ".
an Orient steamer, __ .
exterior of Charing T
Cross Hotel (dread- -
fully deserted exte-
riorof Charing Cross THE GRAND.-RAVEN AND CREEDALE- THE LATTER A
Hotel, by the way, RATHER CREEDALEOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN.
just like the real
thing 1) and a capital view of the Thames in the last act; for so small a
stage these are really excellent and truthful stage pictures.
Messrs. Holt and Wilmot's company is an exceptionally good one.
Miss Helen Massey's rendering of the "distressed heroine" goes far to
infuse freshness into that somewhat familiar
type of character, and Miss Lydia Cowell,
-. fitted with a part which suits her down to the
,' ground, is simply delightful as the good-
i hearted Lotty Jenniker; in watching her, cri-
7 ticism falls quite into the background, and
one settles down to the quiet enjoyment of
the brightest comedy. Little did I expect to
see Miss Dolores Drummond, an adept in in-
tense parts, in such a one as Mrs. Pimble-
S chuck; but there she is, and she gives a
i good account of herself too.
Mr. T. H. Balfour is a quiet unexaggerated
vallain, and Mr. Royce Creedale a very care-
.* ful and satisfactory hero. Mr. Lyons as
Robert Blyth, one of those curious creatures
of melodrama who reach the extremes of
THR GRAND.-MISs HELEN rags, beggary, and hunger on the slightest
MASSEY THROWN ON THE provocation, played heartily and after the ap.
MASSY OFACRUEL WORLD. proved fashion. The Misserimus Meek of
Mr. G. P. Carey, a rather inexplicable cha-
racter, was invested with considerable merit, and Mr. Victor Liston was
a sufficiently humorous Montmorency Pimblechuck, but with a tendency
towards the indulgence of unmeaning gesture and facial contortion.
I said last week, from hearsay, that The Merry Duchess was pursuing
after a hun-.
dred nights' -- --
this week I
can say the
same, as the
tion. A -s Ii
inthe limits TIR GRAND.-THE BOB AND THE PENNY.
mirth, it hasn't been my lot to meet withal, and I think she improves
upon acquaintance. Miss Santley is very
happy as the tender-hearted and painfully
conscientious Rowena, and her efforts are
Such appreciated. All the parts have mel-
lowed with time, of course, and there are one
or two new witticisms. I retain my affection
for my "first loves" among the musical
numbers,-the "Jockey's" song, the song
of the Duchess's presents, the Tigers' Cho-
rus (of course), the novelly-funny "Love's
Memories," the pretty waltz, and the clever
Castle-in-Spain melody-all, all of which I
could listen to a dozen times. The elegance
and comfort of the house is fitting sauce to
S!the whole. The only change I notice in the
r cast, by the way (on this, the II6th night),
*. i.,s the substitution of Miss Montgomery as
THE GRAND.-A DOLORES, Dorothy, in the place of Miss Robe.
BUT NOT A DOLOROUS PER-
FORMANCE. Freedom, at Drury Lane, has taken firm
hold, and is unlikely to relinguish its grasp
until the pantomime comes to dislodge it. By the way, when that does
occur it will only be a species of
tit-for-tat, for Freedom has sent .
most of the pantomime in that --,
hut scene to the right-about-to
the manifest improvement of the I j
same, be it said. Somewhere S 8 -. '
about this page there 's a sketch -
of Miss Enson, whom I forgot to
mention last week, as a capital re-
presentative of a young lady .
I 'm glad H.R.H. has a sense '-' '
of humour. See here, from the
Morning Post (some time ago
now) "His Royal Highness the
Prince of Wales honoured Mr.
Hamilton AMId with a visit at
Garden Mansions, Queen Anne's
Gate. Mr. Frank Lincoln, the THE ROYALTY. HAS RUN FOR OVER A
HUNDRED NIGHTS, BUT NOT EX-
American humourist, gave some HAUSTED YET.
of his unique and amusing sketches
of character which elicited repeated and hearty expressions of approval
from his Royal Highness. Mr. Lincoln
is about to return to the United States
on an extended lecturing tour, but pro-
poses to return to London about the
month of April next,"
Mr. F. C. Burnand is engaged upon
a burlesque of the Tempest for the
,. f Gaiety. What a pity-that the late Bro-
'-/ others Brough have already written The
S Enchanted Isle. All the same, I don't
think it's a bad idea by any means.
They say there is Hamlet to follow, too.
You see, I Ham-letting you into all the
DRUR- LANE.--THIsIS AARAN- The Princess's opened again on Sa.
AM HER NOT? turday. NESTOR.
AUGUST 22, I883.-' F JIN 77
A Blow to the Benedict. i-
"The point to be argued (in a recent case under the Married Women's H
Property Act) was whether a married woman, having a house settled
upon her to her separate use, can turn her husband out of it, and obtain I I
an order of the court denying him all access to it. Mr. Justice Chitty
was of opinion that there was nothing to prevent her doing so; and, on-
appeal, three learned judges concurred."-Daily Pafier.
THAT FUN has a tender and feeling heart I
Is pretty well known ere this;
For whenever he could solace and aid impart, -
He has never been known to miss.
Full often, indeed, has his breast been grieved ,
By recitals of woe-alas I
And now dreadful tidings he's just received
Concerning the husband class.
It appears that if one weds a well-off wife-
(And who, if he could, would not ?)-
It may happen that during one's married life t
One may suffer a wretched lot.
If a husband is naughty, or comes home late,
Or his wife's commands ignores,
She not only (the law says) may be irate, M-
But may turn him right out of doors I
Oh! picture him, then, driven forth alone-
Alone in the cruel street;
And chided, maybe, by the taunting tone
Of some Bobby upon his beat.
Oh, what could he say to the man in blue,
Who'd survey, perhaps, with doubt? -
He could but shed tears and exclaim, Boo-hoo! -----
The 'missus' has turned me out I"
So it seems that fresh trouble is now in store
To torture the married man; r n .r. g
Imagine him prowling from door to door zo
Seeking shelter where'er he can I
FUN knows that this story your hearts will touch,
Shall these sufferers shelterless roam?
No I let's all subscribe (it will not cost much)
For a Chucked-out Husband's Home." --
AN EX-SELL-ENT LIKENESS.
THE Medical Bill was brought on in the House of Commons Match Vendor (to Swell).-" BuY A Box, SIR ? YER JEST THE IMAGE
the other day. Long may it continue there I FUN hopes it o' MY PORE BROTHER, SIR I"
will be long ere his multitudinous subscribers will need such Swell." YOUR BROTHER, YOU SCOUNDREL I WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
a thing in their houses. Match Vendor.-"AH I JEST 'IS 'AUGHTY MANNER AN' ALL, SIR."
THE IITELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT. Dimanche.-Even Saturday is a sitterday in ze Commons. Sir Har.
dinge Giffard make long speech on ze Judicature Rules (du course ze
7EUDI, iome a Aoit.-Ze Hard(h)inge cannot aispment shut up). Zare is row entire les avocats and
Lord vich is Camperout- les avouds. Mon voisid say it is like being at ze Bar, but I reply, 1"Pas
I mean Camperdown-tell de tout de tout c'est tro sec. It is ver much too dry." Sir Giffard
S'me zey have put on ze sink ze Rules make hard lines, but zey go tro, Ze House do not even
shelf ze Bill of ze Ship* shorten ze too Long Vacation.
canal of Manchester, and Lundi.-Ze deeds of Khros demand poetries:
S e S zrat Lord Carlingford have
read ze tvice ze Scotch Ze noble Lords to-day forbear
A aOn Scottish moors to hunt ze grouse
S Agricultural Bill. Zen I But ass vit resolution rare
say to him, I say, "En- Ze Scottish Holding tro reir House,
tendez I if you leave too
much out in ze cold urbus Parcequeje suis sinateur, I cannot accompany my friend Jollidogue to ze
for ze sake of rusticus, moors-more's ze pity; but, instead, I go to ze Commons, and hear ze
voile! urbus hevill become Membare for Eye insult ze G. O. M. Apropos ze affair at Madagascar,
rusty cuss." and in Supply Mr. Healy insult ze Crown officials, Mr. Harrington, ze
Ze Radicals are mIcon- Lord-Lieutenant, and Mr. Biggar-everybody in general.
tents. Mr. John Morley _Mardi.-Lord Redesdale give notice he vill move to reject ze Bill to
S have sit at Vestminstare protect ze pigeons, and demand is it more cruel to shoot birds from a
deftuis gue Juin, but ze trap zan any ozzare vay. I vondare how he vould like, if his horse fall
Thames, void! it is not yet on fire. Some sink it must be done. Bien I down, to be shot from his trap I Ze Bankruptcy Bill is move tro ze
Ven ve go Supply he set on ze roll ze ball of great debate by demanding Commons ze tree time, and tout le monde pat Mr. Chamberlain on his
vy not do ve clear out of Egypt. Maintenant, all ze vool vich remain for back, meme les Tories. Vraiment I it must be satisfac-tory.
so much cry is zat ze Government for about ze zousand time say zey do Mercredi.-Mr. Varton go from vorse to bad. D'abord ze block, zen
not mean to annex. En passant, Lord Maurice zat have Fits to his ze blockade. Ze Espikare tell Mr. Agnew it is not correct card for von
name, say ze vork ve have done in Egypt vill, in endurance, be like ze Membare to hang on ze tail of ze coat of anozzare to keep him out of ze
Pyramids, I say & present it is indeed "shell out." House. To-night it is Home Rule for Scotland, zey are to have Local
Vendredi.-Ze Lords turn out of Committee ze Engleesh Agricultural Board ovare zeir bo(a)rder. Mr. Varton veep I To.day he cannot bait
Bill so much Amended zat he is like your york of patch-bien queflu. ze Ministry, faiuque zey are gone to take ze (vite) bait at Greenvich.
sieurs personnel sink,him not a patch upon vat he was. Zare is an end
to everysink, except Corrupt Practices. To-night ve sit on zem in
Committee. Mr. Lewis insult ze Government, and it vas grand to see CERTAIN tribes of Kurds in Armenia are again in revolt. It seems
ze General-Solicitor, Sir Herschell, come out of his shell and sit on him. to be a whey they have.
A FRIEND AND PATRON.
TI.en they turned upon it like positive savages, and tried all they could to kill it; hunted it about in the cruellest way.
zf --I ______
(( ( f -
NZ\ \\ ~
it, and his heart was touched. Poor little germ I said he; "I will protect you. Come and make my
open filter-beds your home." And the germ did.
FU N.-AUGUST 22, 1883.
Exhausted M.P.s approaching Haven of Rest.
Big Billee.-" I SEE THE SUEZ CANAL AND MADAGASCAR!
I SEE THE SUEZ CANAL AND MADAGASCAR!!
AND INDIA AND SOUTH AFRIKEE !! !
EGYPT, INDIA, AND SOUTH AFRIKEE-EE-EE !
ToSS'D to and fro on politics' vast ocean,
The hidden rocks of Parliament among,
Weary of Question, Privilege, and Motion,
Sick of Division and Obstruction strong,
How fervently our Ministers must long
To pass the troubles that their path infest,
And, finding a safe port, be for a while at rest!
Then, verily, a load of dull oppression
Should from their jaded spirits disappear
As they behold the end of this long Session
Slowly, but no less surely, drawing near,
For which with hope renewed they ought to steer,
Conscious of having yet sufficient strength
To bring their labours to successful close at length.
So hapless mariners, when crouch'd together
Upon a scarcely manageable raft,
Sore bruised and buffeted by wave and weather,
Perils ahead, beside them, and abaft,
Almost despair of saving the crank craft;
But gain fresh force their trials to withstand,
Hearing their pilot's shout, the welcome cry of" Land!"
AUGUST 22, I883, FUN 8I
WARBLES OF THE WEEK.
SET TO THE AIRS OUR FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES.
No. 8.-A SONG WHICH GOBS-SCOTT-FREE.
ATR-" County Guy."
S days g
Has won the fight, I hear;
And Government officials went
To dine off City cheer;
Lord Elcho 's wed, I've heard it said,
So fill a bumper high;
Cetewayo's not, they say, been shot;
But who's the greatest guy ?
Revolt again is heard from Spain,
And some say this, some that;
The cholera departs, they say-
Let's make the most of that;
A lot of grouse about the house
Just now attract the eye;
And Canon Bern-ard may return;
But who's the greatest guy?
o by I
And hour on
For one I can.
i They've had at
least the Lu.
(At Erfurt, by.
But (hear my
call) say, who
The cricket week was, so to speak,
At Canterbury short;
Admiral Pierre will home repair
According to report ;
That girl was strong who climbed Mong Blong-
Mong Blong is rather high-
For such an act girls should be smackt;
But who's the greatest guy?
A new town hall there will befall
In Lambeth right away";
The Princess Bee is back, you see;
Odette is Sardou's play;
But hip, hoorah I why, here we ah!
No longer need I sigh:
The poet odd of Eisteddfod,
Why, he's the greatest guy I
This Comes Hopping.
THE hop prospects are reported as very bad, owing to the dull cold
weather of the last few weeks; and it seems that the crop cannot be a
very good one now, weather or no. This will be a bitter disappoint.
ment to beer-drinkers, as, owing to the small number of "pockets"
picked last year, many of the brewers used chemical substitutes, and
thus put money in their own pockets. May all that do so be caught
"on the hop."
Shoal-der to Shoal-der.
IT is reported that in a loch on the west mainland of Orkney the
shoals of trout are so dense that the back-fins stand out of the water.
This seems hardly credible; but perhaps it is only an al-loch-.ution of
A NEW railway bridge is about to be built over the Indus, at Sukkur.
It is to be hoped that the Indus-try to which this will give rise will Suk.
kur many who are scarce of work.
WHEN FUN heard the news he was absolutely awestricken. In the
presence of such an example of the height of sublime devotion to which
the human soul can soar, he could do nothing but muse with shame
upon his own poor pusillanimous selfishness, breaking at intervals
of half an hour into such exclamations as Such unselfish piety too 1"
What disinterested fervour I But gradually his feelings began to
take the form of a justifiable pride in his country-which was capable
of producing such qualities as those upon which he mused; his bosom
became monopolized by an overwhelming bumptiousness of patriotic
conceit; he swelled up into a complete and spherical ball; he bounced.
He got out all the accounts of the pious doings of all the saints and
anchorites that ever existed; and at each account he muttered, Pooh I
Really nothing to it I" His national pride welled up within him to
that extent that he went and got a tourist suit, and took a ticket for all
the places that had ever had saints to boast of, all over the civilized globe.
"Bumptious? Ah I bumptious isn't the word. He began with St.
Cuthman at the Devil's Dyke; he went on to St. Patrick in Ireland,
St. Dunstan, and so on all round the British Isles; and at each place,
after the guide had finished his reverential account of his particular
saint, FUN would say, Pooh I He didn't do much. Now I could
show you a saint I" and stalk away swelling with renewed conceit.
Then he began on the Continent, visiting every shrine of importance,
hearing the guide's account of its holy man's pious and self-sacrificing
zeal, and then making some such snobbish remark as Nothing in it at
all I You should see our saints. England's the place for 'em-whole
Society of 'em!" In a short time there wasn't a place where they hadn't
heard of the insular snob who was going about boasting of his saints;
the hotel proprietors charged FUN double tariff to recoup them for their
mortification consequent upon his sneering at their saints. It grew
alarming; all Europe began to rise in rebellion against the saint.
depreciator; the religious bodies here, there, and everywhere aroused
the people to rise against the bounceable intruder. So he fled into Asia,
and sneered at the saints there; said Mahomet wasn't a patch on his
saints; ridiculed Confucius, and Buddha, and the rest of 'em; and
finished up by visiting the South Pacific, Central Africa, and Patagonia,
just for the express purpose of running down the native saints to the
exaltation of his own.
The World could stand it no longer; it held an indignation meet-
ing, and decided to have a bet on with Mr. FUN as to those saints of his.
A deputation of saint-proprietors waited upon him,
"Now, then, about these saints of yours," said the deputation. "We
don't believe in 'em. How long do they go without washing ? "
"Washing?" said FUN. "They shampoo dozens of times every day."
"Lor I" exclaimed the deputation. "And they shave their heads ?"
"No," said FUN; "they shave other people's."
Perhaps you 'd better produce your saint," said the deputation.
"All right," said FUN ; "only don't speak so disrespectfully of the
good and virtuous. Hush I-here he comes to give me my morning
shave. Pray take off your hats and shoes, and bow when he enters."
And FUN'S manner became once more awestricken as he reverentially
opened the door to the good man, and kissed the hem of his apron.
The good man was, strange to relate, clad in the ordinary dress of the
present age, except that he was distinguished by a white apron having a
large pocket for combs, brushes, and scissors; his hair was elaborately
curled and piled up; and in his hand he held a razor and shaving-soap.
"Bat he doesn't look like a saint-at any rate, the sort of saint we 've
been brought up to," whispered the deputation. What 's he done ? "
He 's the corrector of the morals of the community-a shining light,"
replied FUN in a revering undertone; "and here is a full account of his
-and his brethren's-works." And he handed them this par.:-
Three barbers have been charged before the magistrates at Oldham
with shaving on Sunday. The proceedings were instituted by the
Barbers' Trade Union, under the provisions of the Act of Charles II.
The defendants were fined five shillings each."
"Bless us I" exclaimed the deputation; "what unselfish holiness! I
We give in; our saints are not a patch on yours I"
And FUN's patriotic conceit is simply intolerable now.
82 FUi T. AUGUST 22, 1883.
"HOW THE RICH LIVE;"
BY SHINY SEAMS AND HAL 'LOW I
IT is curious to note that, even amid relaxation and amusement, when
one would naturally expect to find abandonment and spontaneity, the
rich have ever the bugbear of their life before them. The eager, almost
feverish, alacrity and energy with which they seize upon the vast oppor.
tunities most of their forms of amusement afford for getting rid of money
is proof, if proof were wanting, of the intolerable burden riches are felt
to be, and the consciousness of the wealthy class that unless every means
of amelioration were seized, the result were chaos.
The amusements of the rich are so numerous that I shall confine my-
self to the enumeration and description of only a few of them, ard those
such as are enjoyed by the sexes in common, to the exclusion of such
amusements as "shopping" on the part of the ladies, and "smoking
and drinking, glove-fights," &c., on the part of the gentlemen. I shall
ignore also such things as visiting, yawning in club windows, &c., re.
creations designed only to kill time-a secondary, though sufficiently
cruel, trial of the rich.
It is difficult to know where to begin, but horse-racing occurs to me
as one of the principal outlets for plutocratic plethora. It will be at
once patent that this is an immense source of relief. The betting alone
is a good factor in this result; thousands have been got rid of in this
manner in a single day; but as much almost may be spent in accom-
paniments, new toilettes for the ladies, elaborate and costly luncheons
provided by the gentlemen, soon swell up the total to dimensions which
may well exhilarate the feelings, fill the heart of the too-seldom happy
revellers with the purest joy.
Charity again, in various forms, is another amusement of the rich.
Much relief do they find in the ordinary course of charity, but their in-
genuity has been exercised to make it as expensive as possible. A great
and triumphant result of this effort is "The Fancy Fair "-the stupen-
dous product of a great civilization, where, in the sacred cause of charity
(which begins at home), the devotee will willingly exchange a five-pound
note for a duchess-kissed-
or, better still, an actress-
kissed-tenpenny nail. ',
Amateur concerts, thea.
tricals, entertainments, and
tableaux vivants are other
forms of charitable amuse-
ment indulged in.
Attending a Drawing.
Room is another great and,
happily, costly amusement
of the rich; and here, with
a kindness of heart and
genial thoughtfulness for
others characteristic of the
race, the amusement is not
confined to their own circle
or class. The amusement
derived from it by out-
siders is, in fact, evengreater
than their own; but it
serves their purpose; it
passes the time, and attains
in no slight degree their
of money. Street proces-
sions-such as Lord Mayors'
Shows, thanksgiving pro-
cessions, State ceremonials
and Royal visits, boat -
races, Commemoration A ROOF-F
shows, &c.-are seized upon with avidity, and guineas are as readily
given for uncomfortable seats in windows and corners commanding no-
thing as they are for more favourable positions. Even the roofs of
houses on such occasions are crowded with wealthy sightseers. Expen-
sive toilettes and luxurious luncheons swell the total, and for a while at
least the rich man is almost happy. Taking theatres, the resources of
which, as money-relieving agents (with other money-relieving agents "
attached) are almost incalculable, is another amusement of the class of
which I am treating. Charlatans, spiritualists, and suchlike, thrive
upon them, and far be it from me to blame them. In their way, they
are of immense service to the rich. They give them occupation and
amusement, and no source of relief from the burden of their wealth
which the rich have is greater, more wide-spreading, or more complete,
than that supplied by their benefactors of this class. With the descrip-
tion of a scene at the haunt of one
of these spiritualists I will bring my
present great and important task to
Turning sharply out of the street,
up some steps, and through a swing
door, we find ourselves in the midst I
of a large ball and an excited audi- ,I
ence. A gentleman in attire of an ,I
ostentatiously clerical cut (suggestive i i i
of being an elaborately executed i .
practical pun upon his own name, -
which is ecclesiastical), with his eyes T.t -
bandaged and his hand pressed to I
the forehead of a gentleman trying
not to look as if he thought himself '] J
ridiculous, is slowly making the cir- 7' 1 '
cuit of the room. He is searching I
for a pin concealed by one of the A LECTURE.
audience. He has already failed six
times at the same task, but the audience is as breathlessly expectant and
as full of awe as though he were trying it for the hundredth time, with
the prestige of ninety-nine successes behind him. He succeeds, and the
whole of the spectators become immediate converts to spiritualism.
Let none despise the power of pins," is a motto worthy of emblazon-
ment on every heart and mind. After seeing the spiritualist baffle search
for a picture-card amid a rapidly manipulated three, and a pea beneath
one of three thimbles, having seen him also take an egg from a gentle-
man's beard, produce a bowl of fish from his pocket-handkerchief, and
cause five half-crowns (collected from the audience) to disappear from a
pill-box, we withdrew from the hall, and with a few more words I with-
draw from my readers and the great subject we have been discussing
I have done my task very ill if I have not impressed upon the com-
munity that the struggles, and trials, and miseries of the rich are many
and great, and a standing disgrace to our country. It remains to seek
and apply the remedy. That is no business of mine : it is my business
to concoct some picturesque papers, it is yours to read them, it is for
others to do the work. Hats
held out to receive the sur-
plus cash of the rich may
do much, but in time arms
will tire of holding hats.
Fancy Fairs and subscrip-
tion lists are worthy efforts,
but Fancy Fairs sell out,
and subscription lists fill.
These efforts, and such as
these, are worthy. But
the remedy, I think, is
this: property must be re-
distributed in equal por-
tions to all. Until this is
done, and one of two inevi-
table results-the reverting
of the money into unequal
distribution, or the con-
tinuance of the equality and
the consequent cessation,
with the need for it, of all
kinds of work, so that every
man must bake, and brew,
and slaughter, and tailor
for himself-has arisen, it
is plain to me that there
can be no pleasure or hap-
piness in "How the Rich
LL SCENE. THE END.
AUGUST 22, I883. FUN. 83
A Mem. on the Marquis
"It would be well for the Conservative party if they could induce
Lord Salisbury to begin his holiday about the Dog Days. He appears to
get unaccountably cantankerous in the early days of autumn. '-Daily
SOME tell us that the marvellous Lord Salisbury appears
Unaccountably cantank'rous in the early days of Autumn;
They dislike his snarling speeches, and his "gibes and flouts
and sneers "-
In Cecil they Ce-cil-ly acts which lots of care have brought
They vow his dog-ged manner's meant to pup-posely excite,
Yet the noble earl is harmless-he may bark, but cannot bite.
WE have had such a joyful surprise I We were quite
getting worn out and downcast, in consequence of a growing
conviction that we should never be able to find a bit of news
worthy to run in double harness with any of the choice putrid
meat items of intelligence; but we have suddenly expe-
rienced a joyful surprise, for here is the very bit that will do:-
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
THE SOUTHWARK WATER COMPANY.
Mr. G. Russell, replying to Mr. Egerton, said that in 1872
the Local Government Board became aware of the existence
of a nuisance from the sifting of contents of dust-bins imme-
diately adjoining the open filter-beds of the Southwark Water
Company, and a report was laid before Parliament. The
Board had no power to order the company to discontinue the
use of open filter-beds, or the contractor to stop the sifting
of the bins. The Board would again bring the subject before
the notice of the company.
Why, that par. will make a most lovely pair, even with our
choicest diseased-putrid-horse-cow-sausage par. The "notice
of the company," indeed I The only notice suitable to the
matter is an immediate one to the company to quit. Or it
would be even better, perhaps, to dispense with any notice at
all, and at once abolish all such irresponsible monopolies as
a criminal nuisance. We reckon the cholera is keeping a
knowing eye on those death-philtre-no, filter-beds.
THE writer of a Parliamentary article in a weekly says
that in the House on Bank Holiday "' the lawyers worked
with a will." There is nothing startling in that. Legal gen-
tlemen usually do work with wills, as testators and legatees
A HAPPIER FATE.
I71 ?. ,207xa IB
WHENEVER that object of much renown,
The Wellington Statue, is melted down,
And when its disposers are holding warm
Discussion respecting its future form,
I fervently hope that they won't agree
Without a magnanimous thought for me ;
I tearfully trust that they won't retire
Ignoring the articles I require.
The veriest tyro is quite aware
What heaps of the metal they'll have to spare,
And-(now is the suitable time to strike)-
And that is the metal which 1 should like.
To grasping propensities quite unwed,
I 'd revel, content, in the horse's head;
A SHORT CUT.
Elderly Lady.-" MY GOOD MAN, CAN YOU TELL ME THE QUICKEST
WAY TO GET TO THE OLD BAILEY?"
Her Good Man.-" WELL, THE LAST TIME I WISITED THERE IT WAS
FOR HUPSETTIN' AN OLE PARTY LIKE YERSELF, AN' SNEAKING HER
RIDICULE, I GOT SENT UP THE NEXT SESSIONS."
[Elderly Lady thinks she'll inquire farther on.
That animal's tail would content me too;
Or even the General's hat would do.
Why, even the latter would make me lots
Of requisite articles-pans and pots;
They've only to give it; I'd find the pelf
For making the articles up myself.
The metal, in any such form, would be
So very much happier, you 'll agree,
Than spending its time in this vale of tears
As a statue exposed to the public jeers.
Then fancy the feelings of worthy me,
The doer of such a philanthropee I
Consider the bland and exalted style
In which I could cuddle myself and smile.
The rest of the mineral, perched on high
In form of a statue, condemned to sigh
At venomous ridicule's singeing sparks,
And journalists' awfully rude remarks,
Would envy my-bit-of-it's cosy lot,
Unnoticed, or praised as a useful pot,
And give its existence, beyond a doubt,
To get itself melted and beaten out.
A WRITER in a sporting paper says that "ladies now wield fishing.
rods with some effect." Our cynical old contributor observes, "There
is nothing new in that. Ladies always were good at angling-especially
"W To CoRsESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not ind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. Is no case will they e r returned unka"
accompanied by a ttamjtd and directed envelope.
84 f'" N AUGUST 22, 1883.
WHICH ELICITED LORD GRANVILL'S:PERHAPS TOO.
JEAN BOULE, you ca-nnot say we've not
Through good and evil seeming
Attempted to keep nicely hot
The entente come of that bad lot,
S Napoleon's dark scheming- -
We knew you dealt in opium, blew
Blacks from your eighty-pounders.;
We knew free trade was preached by you,
To drain us to our last poor sou ;
But here our friendship founders.
For can we keep on friendly terms,
Or use mon chir and ch&~ie,
With men whose aim's to feed the worms
By spreading far and wide death germs,
And make the microbes merry?
With men who in their cotton bales,
Their wares of smith and weaver,
Will carry small-pox patients' scales,
And in their fat infected mails
Nightcaps befouled by fever?
No quarantine I We know the cry:
'Neath glib talk scientific
They hide one wish-that they shall die
Diseased whom they can't terrify
With weapons less terrific;
They long to lay the Latins low
Who scorn the pound and dollar ;
e bThey'd poison them who fear no blow,
And cholera give to a foe
Who won't endure the collar.
So shun them all : their tourists' suits
Are lined with dread diseases,
They've sudden death e'en in their boots-
They pipe their bagpipes and their flutes
-1.- F- F When death a Frenchman seizes;
,And worse, to crush us all to dust,
OVERWORK. By novel means to slaughter,
Sister.-" IF YOU ARE GOING INTO THE TOWN, YOU CAN DO SOME- They will not give drugs all their trust,
THING FOR ME, FRED." But say to save him Mosspo must
Brother.-"ALL RIGHT, IF IT'S NOTHING MUCH. GOT AN AWF'LY Make larger use of-water I
BUSY DAY ON, YOU SEE. GOT TO GET MY HAIR CUT, AND-ER-HAVE
SOME LUNCH, YOU KNOW, AND-ER-COME BACK AGAIN, AND ALL THAT,
DON'T YOU KNOW?" MOTTO FOR THE MONTH.-" De (Au)Gustibus," &c.
TURF CUTTINGS. NEW LEAVES.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN." "The Lifeboat," besides an interesting article on the effect of oil on
SIR,-About the Ebor Handicap at York to-morrow, it may be truth troubled waters (waves and coast surf), gives a record of recent deeds of
fully said to be a Yorkward race to tackle; but here is daring in proof of the great value of the National Lifeboat Institution.
The Century and St. Nichoias.-A rare wealth of beauty in both art
MY TPIP FOR IT. and literature is lavished on the pages of these journals.
They say that he'll run, Macmillan's.-There is much in Macmillan's this month highly de.
And supposing it's true, serving of special attention.
The trick will be done The Theatre.-The portraits are of Miss Kate Rorke and Mr. E. S.
Without any ado, Willard; the literary matter as attractive as usual.
And the horse that is likely to do it The Squire is as genial and pleasant as possible.
Is the one that they call Primrose Two; The Leisure Hour, Sunday at Home, Boy's Own Paper, and Girl's
But s'posing they go Own Paper are always deserving of great commendation.
For to "run the pen through," "The Moselle, from the Battle-fields to the Rhine," is another of
The beauty, you know those exquisite Holiday Handbooks edited by Percy Lindley, and, if
(And it's likelyish too), anything can do so, it excels its predecessors.
There's Victor and Liz-don't pooh-pooh it, "Proceedings of the Society for Psychical Research," Part II., is very
But stick to the couple like glue. interesting, dealing as it does with "Thought Transference," "Haunted
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS. Houses," &c.
heTb T unt TheT great reputation gained by Tongoa dIt
I ae devotingheie tl pahp e la to uri years d icies ty utesti. i es the C o
rIe en all hone cases in which we havei prescribed itby lead" Tong maybe dtion Starch
obtained m al Chem and from them, both at home and Manufac.
cturerd by, ALLEN & HANBURYS, Plough CTonga maint ainsd Its Londo in t CO thickens in thLUBLE
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at z153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August sand, 1883.
AUGUST 29, 1883.
Mother.-"OH, YoU BAD BoY! 'Ow MANY 0' THEM HAPPLES A' YOU ET?"
Son.-" DON' KNOW! THEY'RE ALL IN LITTLE BITS INSIDE 0' ME I"
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
"IF Mr. Gladstone doesn't do something with the French," said Mrs.
Blunderberry, spreading mustard on her bread, and passing the marma-
lade to her husband with his bacon, "I don't know what will happen."
"I daresay not, my dear," replied her bosom's lord, engrossed by his
newspaper, and pawing round wildly with one hand to find the toast-
"A more grasping lot there never was. Not satisfied with Madagascar
and the Suez Canal and what 's-its-name in China, the paper says they 've
taken umbrage now."
"Ha ha let'em," answered her lord and master; "it's just the sort
of thing they would take if they found it lying loose around anywhere.
Where have they taken it to, Mrs. B. ? Did they find it floating in the
Channel, and fix a rope to it and tow it into Boulogne Harbour ? Did
they come across it wandering about the streets with no visible means
of earning a livelihood, and hale it off to prison without the option of a
"Well, Mr. Blunderberry," replied his wife indignantly, "I thought,
at least, you knew something of geography."
"No, my dear; that is your strong point-I leave it to you. Why,
ma'am, if you were only a little rounder and properly painted, I 'd set
you in a frame for a terrestrial globe; a telescope and a cocked hat would
fit you up complete as a female Captain Cook; with gilt edges and a
label on your back no one would distinguish you from a gazetteer; if you
were only printed on thick paper, with your knowledge of foreign
countries, I'd pin you up against the wall as a map of the world."
"At all events, Mr. Blunderberry, I don't suppose you are going to
defend the French admiral who took Tommy-something in Madagascar,
and took liberties with the British flag, and- "
"And took French leave to imprison an Engli-h subject, and took
cold, and took physic for it, and then, thank goodness I took his departure.
As you say, Mrs. B., those French are always taking something."
"He, he, he l" tittered Mis. Blunderberry. "You're so witty, Solo-
mon, I wonder you don't write for the comic papers."
"I '11 tell you what I will do, ma'am: I '11 sharpen you at both ends,
and when you're pointed enough, I'll send you in as a joke. I'll hang a
note of interrogation on to your back hair, and offer you as a prize co-
nundrum. I '11 draw you out, and submit you for a cartoon."
"You seem to forget, Mr. Blunderberry, that I am your wife," said
his good lady, with an assumption of dignity, which was somewhat
marred by her endeavouring while she spoke to fish the salt-spoon out of
the teapot with the sugar-tongs.
Madam," replied her husband, taking a savage bite out of a round of
toast, "you are right. I had forgotten the relationship for a moment.
I was labouring under the impressionthat you were 'Mangnall's Questions'
and the Child's Guide to Knowledge' bound in one. I fancied you
might be the entire Royal Society. I had an idea that you were the
London School Board. I more than suspected you of being the British
Encyclopaedia in disguise. But, thank goodness, I now realize that,
after all, you are but human."
"Oh, Solomon, Solomon !" sobbed his better half, "you mean you
wish that I was dud-dud-dead."
Tut, tut, tut I What nonsense you 're talking I"
"You're so inhuman as to be glad I'm human," moaned Mrs. Blun-
"There, there, my dear, I didn't mean to say anything to pain you,"
said her husband, as he kissed the tip of her ear and reached for his hat;
"you shan't be human if you don't like it."
"What a splendid, generous, noble-hearted man he is sighed Mrs.
Blunderberry, as with tears in her eyes she watched him stop to light a
cigar at the garden-gate. "I 'm afraid sometimes I am a little too sharp
with him." And she took a pair of slippers out of her work-basket,
which had been in progress for eighteen months, and devoted her whole
morning to their advancement, as a labour of love and an atonement for
any short-comings of which she might have been guilty at that morning's
WHAT is the difference between a watch beneath one's head in bed
and Mr. Fawcett?-One is under the "pillar" and the other is-oh I of
course you see it now-over the "post.'
VOL. XXXVlII,-NO. 955.
86 FUN. AUGUST 29, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HERE is a slight lull in the pro-
duction of dramatic novelties
this week, but that sort of thing
never lasts long nowadays, and
so next week we shall be at it
again, no doubt, with renewed
I ij vigour. Meantime, just to keep
us going and prevent our disso-
lution from want of dramatic
excitement, some revivals have
come to our assistance. First
iII Y and foremost, Yhe Si ver King
resumes his reign at the Prin-
cess's, where he has held sway
B. now some two hundred and
fifteen nights, with a short in-
a terregnum. It is a piece that
will not easily be Denver-I
mean done for-a dish at which
one may cut and Coombe again
with relish, a wine which is
THE PRINCESS'S.-THE RETURN OF "THE never likely to taste Corky.
SILVER KING" (AND A VERY LARGE RE- Then we have The Romany
TURN IT is, THEY SAY). Rye at the Surrey, which,
though perhaps the least suc-
cessful of Mr. Sims' plays, contains much sterling work, and is admi-
rably adapted to the tastes of its present audience. Another revival is
that of Sheridan's Critic at the Gaiety, but that is not a circumstance of
such importance as to shake the world to its centre.
Although there is a lull, as I have said, in theatrical matters, presages
of renewed and augmented activity are in the air. On Saturday (that is,
last Saturday, when
these lines appear in .
print) the Avenue 1 ; -
programme under- s' 9'' ,// ,-'-
went a change, '
Messrs. Chas. Hoyt "
and G. L. Gordon's ,t
A Bunch of Keys "t
taking the place of i ic
A Dream. As I I 14'
hope to treat it more t
fully next week, I
need make no fur- -
ther remark on the,
subject just now be-
yond expressing a
hope that those keys "t hl
may unlock some- THE GLOBE.- 'THE GLASS OF FASHION.'
and satisfactory to the management.
Next Saturday (the Ist proximo) the long and eagerly anticipated ap.
pearance of Miss Mary Anderson takes place at the Lyceum. Parthenia,
in Ingomar, is the part in which this lady has chosen to make her first
appearance before a London audience, and the interest taken in the
occasion is so great, it may be reasonably anticipated that as soon as the
doorkeepers are able to declare all in readiness with the cry, "Parth-
in-yere," it will be seen that In-go-ma, pS,
4 F# B G 1 4,,4lI er1 son, daughter, niece, nephew, et hoc genus
omne, until there is not room for so much as
'. an extra sheet of note-paper,
du ctOn the following Saturday to that (Sep-
o ,' member the 8th) the Globe will re-open
under the joint management of Messrs.
John Hollingshead and J. L. Shine. The
Glass of Fashion, a farcical comedy by
Messrs. Sydney Grundy and George R.
Sims, which has been played in the pro.
vinces with great success for some months
past, will form the chief item of the bill.
The Globe has shown itself rather in want
of shine lately; perhaps it will have the
right kind now.
THE AVENUE.-"A BUNCH
OF KEYS." To-night Glad Tidings is down for pro-
duction at the Standard. The theatre has
been closed two nights for rehearsals, so we may expect something stu-
pendous in the way of scenic illustration, I take it.
The New Alhambra (about the 22nd of October, they say) will open
with The White Queen, a gambit I never heard of before. The problem
will be White
Queen to -
move (the .Q '1' ,-. \
and mate in i.$-.' '! C 1' V.
three acts I ,
Sims is re-
and Mr. Clay
f o r t e
By the way,
I saw both
composer the COVENT GARDEN.-A PROMENADE CONCERT.
other day en-
joying themselves; the author was taking a composer and the composer
was taking an author-I mean another; but the latter is of the more
serious turn of mind, for while Mr. Sims was moistening his Clay, Mr.
Clay was singing his Sims. (This is as good
as many theatrical anecdotes, and nearly as -
On Saturday, September the 8th, Miss
Kate Vaughan will give a marine at the
Gaiety-a farewell performance-previous to '- _
starting on a provincial tour. Tour is human, i--
but Miss Kate is divine (that's Vaughan to I
us), so of course you will crowd in and plank
down all your might.
Mr. William R. May sends me a syllabus
of lectures and entertainments which com-
mands a wide range of interesting subjects,
and selections from which Mr. May appears
to have given all over the country (from
Land's End to John o' Groats seemingly), THE ALHAHIBRA.-"THE
and is quite prepared to give anywhere else WHITE QUEEN."
on the slightest provocation. Mr. R. May
has quite an R.-May of testimonials and press notices of a favourable
character, which form very pleasant reading, suitable for convalescents
and people with lots of holidays.
Mr. Harrington Baily is making arrangements for a tour with Elope-
ment and hearts of Oak (a comedy and comedy-drama respectively),
both by Mr. H. A. Jones, part-author of The Silver King. Mr. Baily's
programme will also include a burlesque on the subject of Moths, by Mr.
J. W. Houghton. Let us hope for the best, but it is surely bad for a
programme when it gets the moths in I NESTOR.
"Fruit Culture for Profit," by E. Hobday; "The Potato in Farm
and Garden," by R. Fremlin ; "The Apple in Orchard and Garden,"
by James Groom.--These excellent handbooks, reprinted from "The
Garden," and published by George Routledge and Sons, form a portion
of what is known as Robinson's Country Series." They contain about
all the information necessary to ensure profitable cultivation.
"Six by Four: a Technical Tale of Tone," by A Neutral Tint
(Tinsley Brothers).-To speak one's mind right out about this book
would be to step beyond the confines of the complimentary; one step
would do it.
"Wimbledon, Putney, and Barnes" (T. Fisher Unwin), is simply
what it professes to be-a handy guide to rambles in the district.
Marion Etude," by A. Rose (London Publishing Company).-As a
study it is worth studying.
"Kate," by Asmodeus (same company).-A fairly satisfactory novel,
albeit the chief characters are unsatisfactory, not being the most estimable.
There are two or three of more angelic nature, sketched with the cun-
ning of Asmodeus."
Sights of London (Henry Herbert and Son).-This is an admir-
able guide book, illustrated with excellent engravings. Its "Operatic
and Dramatic Album contains amongst its portraits the most pleasing
The Pickwick Papers in shorthand, now being issued in "Pitman's
Shorthand Series (F. Pitman), forms an excellent exercise for short-
hand readers and writers.
"Strangers' Friend Society."-The Ninety-Seventh Annual Report
evidences the vast amount of good effected by this benevolent institution.
AUGUST 29, 1883. U N 87
Dreams of Youth. I
WHAT did I dream of in boyhood's days?-
Gingerbread, apples, and tarts,
Of jam, and of floury (puff paste) ways,
But never of fair sweethearts I I
Oh, would those days might come back again,
With hampers of fruit and cake, I
For manhood's heartache is greater pain ix 1
Than was boyhood's stomachache.
As time went on it brought dreams of fame
To light up the path of life,
Visions of wonderful fortunes came,
And then of a home and wife. -
Day brought nor honours, nor wife, nor wealth,
Yet in boyhood's dreamy time t
Night gave the real, as we by stealth
Had supper in bed-'t was prime I
My boyhood's dreams were of tuck" and games,
And of holidays and tips,
In youth they wandered to other aims,
In manhood kissed rosy lips.
But rosy lips or the kisses ne'er
In other than dreams I knew,
They all were visions as false as fair,
'T was boyhood's alone were true!
When school is over and college done,
And the work-day world is near,
Except when nightmares will have their fun,
Let sleep be of dreaming clear I
The Day of Life must be bravely faced,
And fiction give way to truth,
And manhood on waking facts be based,
Instead of the dreams of youth.
THE Draft Treaty between Russia and Persia defining the
north-eastern frontiers of the latter Power," says a weekly
contemporary, "will be considerably modified,"-probably PU F F I N G H I S W E D.
because it was too strong a draft to swallow, eh? Cadby-sWELL, WILL IT DO, OLD MAN? THATS WHAT CALL A
WEED, THAT IS."
MOTTO FOR THE IRISH RIOTERS IN SCOTLAND.-"Tread Snobson.-" Is IT? WELL, IT'S WHAT I CALL A VEGETABLE, TOMMY,
on the tail of my Coat "-bridge. IF YOU MUST HAVE THE STRAIGHT GRIFFIN."
Fashion Follets. Prices-and Weights-at Farringdon.
WE feel sure that MR. PETERS, who trades at the CENTRAL FISH
DRuse St. Cyr adnow made of St. Cyr blue. Such a colour ought to MARKET at STALLS 413 AND 414, as the FARRINGDON FISH SUPPLY
A new k ind of velvet, called Oreille dion., i mch in voge jt ASSOIATION, is a misunderstood man. A gentleman (since a plaintiff)
A new kind of velvet, called Oreille d'Ours, is much in vogue just purchased two salmon at MR. PETERS'S stall. They were weighed by
now. O'Reille-y? Only out ofd'ours, we presume? the scaleman, who said, "Twelve pound six ounces," and paid for as
Gorge de Pigeon is now a fashionable colour. We believe it has a very being of that weight. The fish, however, on being weighed by an inde-
gorgeaous appearance. But why give it its French name ? Why ot pendent person, only scaled Io lb. 6 oz. They were then taken back to
speak of it in pigeon-English? MR. PETERS'S stall and re-weighed by the scaleman, who now said,
I The dude' lace-pin is much worn in Paris and the United States "Ten pound six ounces." Strange to say, the return of the overcharge
just now," says a contemporary. It is made of filagree gold, has a head pd ones. Te t sa ertno terhg
of pearl and eyes of sapphire. This continual talk of the "masher" and was asked for-and refused. The market superintendent testifying to
thof pearl and eye" is ofgettig somapphire. Thats continual talk ofnd those who have had the facts, the registrar made an order for the sum claimed, with costs,
the IIdue Is gettng "ehtnsothe defendant failing to put in an appearance.
their fil-agree that an article representing so useless an "object" of the defendant failing to phat MRin an appearance.GDON-FIH-SP-ASSOCIATION
society should not be en-dude with so valuable a setting. PETERS did it all for the success of the market. Why did he refuse to
"Ladies' hats are now made principally of dyed willow," says a return part of the money paid? Why, because he was anxious that the
fashion journal. It is probable, however, that these hats will-ow their new market should have 'I no drawbacks."
success to the manner in which they are trimmed. Some, it appears,
are made to represent a niest, but we should think this hat-chape is likely
to be bird-ensome. Orna-mental.
Ladies should only take materials to the seaside, or on yachting trips, During the recent Sunday sitting in the House of Commons, Mr. Warton asserted
that will stand sea-air. We can stand sea-air, any amount of it. Who "that for the last fifty-six and a half hours of their mental existence Members had
will take us? been thirty-eight hours tied to the House."
"WE live and we learn," says proverbial lore,
On the Sands. And, in proof, Warton's statement may be of assistance;
For, look you, that wonderful blocker and bore
THE latest and most fashionable seaside sport among the ladies at Seems to think ke possesses a mental existence,
Dieppe and Trouville is crab racing on the sands, which now forms the A thing that we never imagined before;
morning's entertainment. The rules of the game are conducted on Yet the Bridport M.P.'s so erratic an elf,
strictly racing principles, with a winning-post, starter, umpire, &c., and We can scarcely believe he referred to himself.
each crab has a seal impressed on his back, with the owner's crest show-
ing. Ladies are proverbially bad losers, and we can imagine the non-
successful ones looking particularly crert-fallen, and being more or less BY their recent choice of a representative in Parliament the electors of
crabby. Sligo would seem to be in favour of Lynch law.
AUGUST 29, 1883.
WARBLES OF THE WEEK.
SET TO THE AIRS OUR FATHERS GAVE THEMSELVES.
No. 9.-A SONG WHICH GOES-SO.
AIR-" Dame Durden."
y DAME Rumour's
S- .. best of dear
.. '" >" old girls
.r,,l. i! 1, sTo carry a little
A\ the globe it
and Bet, and
And John and
and Tim, a
And John tells
And Dick tells
And Joe tells Dolly,
And Jack tells Kitty,
And merry Miss Trip-by-rail
Tells Tim (a banjo male)-
Dame Rumour is a dear old girl to carry a little tale.
About the Penny Deposit Bank
There seemeth a big cabal;
At last in Sheffield there haps to rank
A "master" who's Liberal. [rail, &c.
There's Moll and Bet, and Doll and Kate, and merry Miss Trip-by-
There's King Alphonso going round
His doubtfully-quiet Spain;
The Ministers once more were found
At Greenwich, and dined again. [rail, &c.
There's Moll and Bet, and Doll and Kate, and merry Miss Trip-by-
There's Forster been to Devonpoit
(The Session's done, remark);
The Duke and Duchess of Connort
Have opened Grimsby Park. [rail, &c.
There's Moll and Bet, and Doll and Kate, and merry Miss Trip.by-
Nine medals from the Government
That rules the Portuguese
To English sailors have been sent
For rescues on the seas. [rail, &c.
There's Moll and Bet, and Doll and Kate, and merry Miss Trip-by.
Th' Electric Exhibition at
Vienna oped with glee;
They've been upon the gay Regat
The bold R. V. Y. C. [rail, &c.
There's Moll and Bet, and Doll and Kate, and merry Mis Trip-by-
The telegraphers' strike is through ";
The cotton strike is on;
Cetewayo's death was all a do;
Good park for Kilburn yon. [rail, &c.
There's Moll and Bet, and Doll and Kate, and merry Miss Trip-by-
There's Sligo sends a Parnellite;
There's Shaw is not a-shore;
There's M.P.s sit through all the night,
And, as I 've said before,
There's Moll and Bet, and Doll and Kate, and merry Miss Trip-by-rail,
And John and Dick, and Joe and Jack, and Tim (a banjo male).
And John tells Molly,
And Dick tells Betty,
And Joe tells Dolly,
And Jack tells Katty,
And merry Miss Trip-by-rail
Tells Tim (a banjo male)-
Dame Rumour's such a dear old girl to carry a little tale.
Sir E. J. Reed, reporting on the Daphne accident, says that the radical defect was
in the construction of the ship herself, and that many of our merchant vessels are con-
structed on a theory which is quite erroneous; and that the Dafhne is not the only
vessel constructed by well-known firms which would infallible cajfsize if out of a
cargo, and deflected at rather more than the ordinary angle !
IT was some considerable time ago that the youthful son of the early
British savage was by the side of a puddle-(an article even at that time
frequently met with in the British Isles)-trying to make a slice of bark
float-on its edge.
Look here, governor," he said, "how is it this boat of mine won't
float? I've tried both edges; 'but it will lie down flat."
"Of course it will," said the father; "any donkey could have told
And the father stepped into his bark canoe to proceed for his morning
fish. This boat of mine," said he pensively, "isn't up to much; it's
very crank and ricketty, and a poor thing altogether; but then I'm only
a savage, and can't expect to know how to build boats like they will in
the ages to come. But, hang it all I-even I don't try to make a boat
float on an edge-ha I ha I You're a nice sensible boy; I don't think
you'll turn out very grandly."
The father contemptuously paddled away, while the small boy stood
and stared sheepishly at his absurdly designed boat; then he got a flint
and made a hole near one edge of the bit of bark, and inserted a small
piece of stone in the hole; and this time, when he put the bark in the
water, it did float on edge, the weighted edge being a little under water.
"There, governor he screamed, when the father returned with a
catch of early British fish. I've put a cargo in it, and perhaps you'll
say now that it isn't floating on edge ? "
"Nice fool of a boat," said the father, "that will capsize when you
take the cargo out. That's an intelligent way of designing-oh, my I
I fancy you'd better take to some other profession, my boy." And off
he went again.
But the son would not give it up; and while he was casting about, he
came upon a tin basin left by one of those Phoenicians.
"Why, here's a ship ready made, pa," said he; "look how that
I Ah I" said the father; a very sensible thing to make a ship of a
material heavier than the water it has to float on. Beautiful fine-weather
ship that of yours I All quite safe as long as it's laid up in rose-leaves
and cotton-wool; but suppose something runs into it and makes a hole
-like this?" and he ran the point of a flint into the tin basin, which
was not long in making up its mind about sinking. There, you had
better give up this nonsense, my boy," he continued; "we're not meant
to know how to build ships yet; they '11 find that out later."
Father Time, who was passing, felt sorry for the child, who stood
and looked foolish. "Never mind, young 'un," said he; "you can't
be expected to know that things don't prefer to act in defiance of natural
laws; besides, everybody's young, in a way, as yet. There's lots of me to
pass before they 'll have discovered how to do things in a really first-
class style. Now, about the latter part of the nineteenth century- "
"Right you are, old boy I" said a Phoenician gentleman who had just
come ashore. They'll laugh at even my ship then, and yet she carries
me and her cargo safely enough; never had an accident yet."
Ah I" said a Roman general, stepping down from his trireme; "we
pride ourselves on our ships; but, as you say, they'll laugh at our efforts
"So they will, and at ours too," said Admiral Benbow, joining the
And about x88o-go, Father Time assembled all their ghosts to see a
triumphant specimen of the shipbuilding then in vogue. "Why," said
the youthful early British savage, it looks to me to have all those
faults that my ships had; it's meant to float on edge, and it depends
on its cargo to keep it so, and it's made of stuff heavier than the
water." Of course; that 's the right way to build ships," said an im-
portant young person named Science, who was superintending.
Then they let the ship slide off the ways-and she heeled over and
disappeared. Humph I" said the ghosts.
OFF FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
ENDED is the weary Session,
And relieved beyond expression
Are the Members to be able now to lay the blue books down,
While, released from legislation,
Most betake them to some station,
Whence a train will swiftly carry them away from murky town.
But a better plan for starting,
On the eve of their departing,
We would with the humblest diffidence here venture to suggest,
Which is this, our gentle readers,-
Let opponent party leaders
Go in couples upon sociables, of fresher air in quest.
Thereby Gladstone might have ample
Fun with Northcote, for example;
Frisky Bradlaugh with grave Newdegate might pair off very well;
Also Harcourt with Joe Biggar
Sure would cut a pretty figure,
And poor Forster be enlivened by a journey with Parnell.
As for that Deceased Wife's Sister,
Why, a bishop might enlist her,
Round the country on a tricycle to take an autumn tour;
Freed from politics' fierce labours,
All might prove quite pleasant neighbours,
And might know each other better, and might like each other more.
i~/ \\\ ~/
WILLIAM WITH STAFF; BISHOP WITH DECEASED WIFE'S SISTER;
BRADLAUGH WITH NEWDEGATE
)RSTER WITH PARNELL ;
LAWSON WITH BASS; CHAMBERLAIN WITH BLOATED ARISTOCRAT, &c., &c.
The Lords, who adjourn fordinner and never meet on Wednesday, have complained that Bills are
always sent up too late from the Lower House. It is understood that this plea has been put into
verse by Lord Lytton, and set to music by Lord Salisbury.
As the top cream of the nation,
As the very State's mainstay,
We deserved vituperation
In the ordinary way.
Let no cad his passions bridle,
Let no snob his sneers abate;
But to dare to call us-idle!
When they give us work too late!
Grave we sit through anxious mornings,
With eyes shut-but eyebrows bent,-
Volunteering awful warnings
To the giddy Government.
When the time comes for decisions,
Drowsiness has doomed debate,
And asleep we take divisions
On the Bills that come too late.
We had made our best endeavour
To improve that pigeon sport;
We had argued well for ever
To cut Commons' measures short;
Tenants' troubles had departed
At more than lightning rate,
If the Commons had not started
The big question quite so late.
We are sitting-we are sitting,
Like the Raven ai la Poe,
Prayers for prompt work emitting,
Work more plentiful, less slow.
We are begging as a boon that
They will send us tasks of weight;
And lest we should do them soon, that
Low House sends them all too late!
Thus the patient peer rebuke not;
Never say that barons shirk ;
Never call the hard-worked duke not
Wild to do his share of work.
Let him order money, measure,
And you'd see, when 't was his pleasure,
If he'd be so often late.
AUGUST 29, 1883. FUJ n 93
A HINT FOR EVERYBODY.
IT was observed of Towntoyler that, after reading a paragraph in his paper that day, he suddenly became disgustingly avaricious over waste paper. He collected
all his old newspapers; he attacked the housemaid to recover scraps out of the dust-pan; and he shut up all his gleanings in a cupboard; and if anybody approached,
even with a view to a humble fragment of Times for curl-papers, he growled minatively.
After a time, and just before the out-of-town season, he locked himself up with all that paper and a supply of paste, and engaged in some mystic task.
It came out at last. "'Steamboatt' 'hotel?' 'bathing machines?'" he said, contemptuously waving off the touts. "I ve made em all for myself-made 'em all
of paper. There they all are on the train; and I 'd have made my own train, only the Times ran out." Then we knew what par. he had been reading; it was this:-
"The Westinghouse Company have built a small steam launch of paper; and the United States Government has ordered several torpedo launches to be made of paper
In place of steel."
94 FUN. AUGUST 29, 1883.
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAXMEIT.
MALGREze Duke of
Buccleuch, ze Lords re-
U P~ 1. ST. port on ze Scotch Agri-
cultural Bill on Sursday.
Mais, Milor Stair make
out good Stair case vy it
small not commence till
Vitsuntide. Ze English
AgriculturalBill is oppose
by Milor Vemyss and
Milor Ellen Borough. Ma
S foil I should sink it vas,
Miladi Ellen Borough.
Milor Salisbury demand
-0 ,,,f/, it sall not run till it is
March, and it is pass
Ashmnead Bartlett, and an
Irish row in Supply.
S, laintenant, as M. Toole
vas use to say, "Still ve
are not happy."
Friday.-Ze Lords decide ze tournament of doves sail continue.
Cependant, merci la belle Princesse, 7'espare zat Beauty vill not grace
ze lists. I Ze Commons are tris occupy vis ze Bill for Irish Tramvays. It
is for ze benefit of Ireland, naturellement. Biggar et Cie. ne l'aiment as.
Neamoins, ze Bill it pass tro Committee.
Saturday.-Mr. Biggar object in Supply to ze expression "ze honour
and credit of ze Government." C'est bon autorit, ce Biggar, on honour
and credit. Not for ze first time ze Irish party disgrace and disgust ze
House. Mr. Gladstone se course to ansare, mime to reason vit zem. Ze
truly Grand Old Man say his own part in ze task of restoring peace and
prosperity to Ireland can only be of short duration M. Biggar exclaims
" Hear, hear." I sink of Caliban, and join in ze shout of Shame "
Von can have even too much Biggar. Aprts I ask ze G. 0. M. vy he
appeal to reason and patriotism to zose who do not or vill not understand
ze vords. He say, '" Voici, mon amil If my best counsel and my best
efforts are vaste on zem, zare are ozzares more important zat vill see zem."
te comprends. Ze arrow of ze Government's good vill and good vork
may glance off ze stony hearts of ze Irish party, but must soon or late
find home in ze hearts of ze Irish people.
Eh bien I It has come at ze last. Ve sit esit mme on Sundays. C'etai
deux heures et demi de Dimanche lorsque nous sortimes.
On Monday ze Bankruptcy Bill pass its stage. Ze noble Lords know
vit Brummagen Joe zare is no Joeking. C'est dommiage, ze Government
cannot tell us more touchint laffaire Tamatave. Ze Membare for Eye
et flusieurs d'ai leurs desire to know vat is ze fate of Mr. Shaw; mais,
ze G. 0. M. he do not seem at all Shaw- I mean to go say, sure.
Captain Heron complain son frire aussi Captain Heron have meet vit
foul play in ze Clyde court-martial. Zis Heron, vraiment, is game bird;
he stick up for, bienquil son frre est en disgrace.
Tuesday.-I hope ze Irish cars of ze tram (en passant, vill zey bej iunt-
ing cars of z. tram?) vill go aussi vite as ze Irish Tramvay Bill have tro
Parliament. Milor Harlech sink it provide for so much it should be
afpelli ze Omnibus Bill. Zat joke is fare, milor I
Ze Commons are rile parceque ze Government have no news from
Madagascar vich zey can lay on ze table. Enfin ve reach ze Appropria-
tion Bill. Zere is vind up espar between z! Grand Old Man and Sir
Norsc ate. Ze Grand Von go ze complete hog, and back up all ze Govern-
ment have done; entire autres chose, he declare ze policy of Lord Ripon
is Rippin good policy Ze Commons sink it is sometimes too late to
mend, and return ze Ten Aunts Compensation and ze Scolch Agricul-
tural Bill to ze Lords, who have so much mend zem zat zey vould not
know zeir own mozzares.
Vennisday.-Ze noble Lords considare ze Commons' amendments on
ze Engleesh and Escotch Agricultural Bills. Ily a grand ddbat dans le
Chambre des Communes sur les competes Indiens. Mr. Oh I Connor he
dispute ze ruling of ze Chair, mais apres, ven he discover qu'il a tod,
like real Irish gentlemans he make ze amended honorable.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-Really, upon my word, you know, I 'm sach a pot now, that
I do assure you, Mr. Editor, I don't think I oaght to really demean
myself by giving tips for mere secondary meetings and events; but this
week there is nothing of importance to touch upon, and so, just as a
concession to my numerous followers (who may as-well land the dibs "
over an inferior race as a big one), and to show I have no mean pride
about me, I give a
TIP FOR THE PEVERIL OF THE PEAK PLATE.
Oh, softly the moon rises clear o'er the mountain,
And bathes all the landscape in silver and green I
Oh, sweetly there trickles the temperance fountain,
Where seldom, if ever, the Prophet has been I
Oh, bright glares the gas in the Juniper Palace,
And swiftly the Hebes are plying the wrist 1
Oh, bravely the dun whisky flows in the chalace,
Where seldom, if ever, the Prophet is mist I
But swift o'er the mountain and fountain moonlighted,
And swift to the bower with its gas-illumined gilt,
There flieth a message that's not to be slighted.-
Trophonius goes his whole pile on the Jilt."
You will observe that I did not give Corrie Roy for the Ebor-a mere
oversight, which might occur to any one, and which has on this occa-
sion occurred to Yours, &c,, TROPHONIUS.
P.S.-Look out for the Leger tip. My eye I
LOOKING OUT THE NAVY.
See ADMIRAL SYMONDS'S 7abular Statement of the relative strength of
the British and French Navies.
HERE-hang it I-it's absurd to flout
The fact that war has broken out,
And that, beneath its stern behest,
The British Navy's in request.
Where is that Navy ?-here's the foe-
Be quick; we had one years ago;
Oh, ah I-of course, I understand,
You put it somewhere, "just to hand."
Well, try the lumber-room-and there,
The cupboard underneath the stair;
It must be somewhere-go ahead,
And try the cellar and the shed :
Ah I here's a something in among
The rubbish-mind it isn't young.
How very interesting I Mark
Its ancient lines; it's Noah's Ark I
By Jingo I-no, it isn't. Glad
Conclusion I-it's an ironclad.
Let's gaze upon it, all replete
With triumph. It's the British Fleet.
There, hold it gently. Do you think
The chances are that it would sink,
Or come to pieces, if so be
We went and put it on the sea?
Perhaps it might sustain a lot
Of harm; I think we'd better not.
No, no-we '11 bind it up with string.
And make a case to fit the thing.
The French are firing left and right;
My goodness I Put it out of sight;
It would escape the guns of France
If placed behind the ambulance.
AN UNCOMFORTABLE ARRANGEMENT.-A Standing Committee.
AUGUST 29, I883. FUN. 95
A Parnellite Ode to His Party.
(WITH APOLOGIES TO THE MEMORY OF THOMAS HOOD.)
ATTEND, each Home Rule elf
(But first, bow down to me, who brought you here),
Love Erin for herself-
(At least, you 'll have to make it so appear).
In Parliament each night
Keep me, your chief, in sight,
And legislative honours you will win
(But mind, for rules you mustn't care a pin 1)
Orate with Celtic fire
(Above all, try the Government to tire.
To me you will give joy
If all regard for decency you sink,
And when you may the Premier well annoy,
I 'll slily wink),
Work ever-like the bee extracting honey,
Speak to the world in fine (and frothy) prose,
(I'll pass my hat round Ireland for the money,
Each humble peasant there no better knows).
Be ye my pride and hope
(If you are blustering, you '11 with Gladstone cope).
Choose striking words (like bullies down the "Mint,"
Just blackguard without stint).
You know our nation now is more at rest
(Still, howl that she's "opprest").
Uphold the Rights of Man
(And always make a shindy when you can).
Point out that Ireland's neathh the tyrant's knife,
Plague Gladstone's life I
With any benefit he'd be decreeing I
Say on, say on, till night is gone,
Like leeches to your duty bravely stick
(And gabble till you make the nation sick I)
Attack all servants of the English crown-
(For instance, you 'll declare they "babies spit
On bayonets," A la little Healy's wit,
Or, like Joe Biggar, Hear, hear Gladstone down.
And when he sorrow shows,
Politely put your fingers to your nose!
Yea, Home Rule men, from north, east, west, and south,
Care not what language may defile your mouth),
We know that Erin needs a brighter star,
(But we all peace must mar);
Be bold in talk, not gentle like the dove ;
Pretend you Erin love,
But all true patriotism be above I
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
TIME- The Present.
CITIZEN A.* B., do you see yon proud figure sweep towering by?
Do you mark its air of triumph, and note the victorious swagger in its
CITIZEN B.* I do. I also see that its cheek is ruddy with health, and
that its chest expands in the enjoyment of a vigorous existence.
CIT. A. It casts triumphant sneers at yon bent and emaciated form
which it meets; it jeers at it--
CIT. B. It does; it is Health, encouraged by the present cholera-
panic activity in the metropolis, crowing over the slender chances of its
CIT. A. You are right. Listen: it tauntingly relates how, "in the
Limehouse district, a house-to-house inspection has been organized; how
the revelations that have resulted from this systematic proceeding prove
i.. -. 4^5ijijgij SEge'ei^Magl|S 5\ %nO 55 \\ S I 11 'U" S S \ WZ\\\X' I III uI I \ a XHW mI
'Arry.-"I SAY, HEMMA, DON'T YOU WISH THIS WAS OUR 'ONEY-
Hemma.-"OW H(RFEN HAM I TO HASK YOU, 'ARRY, TO HEXHAS-
PERHATE YOUR HAITCHES?"
'Arry.-" NOT SO MUCH OF YER HIRONY ; I DON'T LIKE IT."
Hemma.-" BUT YOU DON'T SEEM TO MIND HOLDING HEMATITE!"
its utility, and how many are the odd stories related by the inspectors ;
how in one street a family and a pony were found living together in a
cellar; how another cellar was occupied by a muffin-maker, who did not
in the least realize the danger of conducting his business in such un-
wholesome quarters ; how one house was full of cats which were a nui-
sance to the neighbourhood."
CIT. B. It does ; and it jeeringly says that these things are about to
end; and that "the Vestry of St. Pancras have appointed a sanitary
inspector, whose chief duty will be the constant inspection of the water-
cisterns of the parish;" and that "the directors of the East London
Waterworks Company have, upon the representation of the sanitary
authorities of the district, directed their engineer to erect temporary
standpipes in the numerous courts and alleys, this being necessary to
enable the inhabitants to attend to the sanitary conditions indispensable
to the prevention of disease."
CIT. A. But the queer thing is that the fiend Disease dce3 not look
at all uneasy I On the contrary, there is a sceptical twinkle in his eye.
TIME-This time Next Year.
CIT. A. B., do you see yon crestfallen figure sneak gloomily by ?
CIT. B. I do; it recoils beneath the sneers of yon emaciated but
triumphant form. It is Health, crushed down by the condition of Lon-
don, taunted by Disease. The latter sneeringly relates how, in the
Limehouse district, things go on as they like once more, and all is filth;
how the family and the pony still live together; how there are three
muffin-makers in that cellar instead of one; how the houseful of cats-
CIT. A. How the water-cisterns in St. Pancras (and everywhere else)
are filled with disease germs; how there is not a standpipe (or anything
else) in any of the numerous courts and alleys, and the sanitary condi-
tions indispensable to the prevention of disease are dispensed with;
how, &c., &c.
BOTH. How lucky we put our money on Disease I
A To CORRESPONDRNTS.-ThA Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. in no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
A TALE FROD
Juvenile Explorer.-" I SAY, MR. MASHINGHAM, SEE WHAT I'VE
Mr. Mashingham (annoyed at interruption).-" HUM I IT LOOKS L
juvenile Explorer.-" WELL, YOU OUGHT TO KNOW. SISTER MI
ON CATCHING A LOT OF 'EM, AND THEN SHE DOES LAUGH. HOW
Sea that, now!
THE Brititk Medical journal warns mothers that it is wrong to bathe
infants under two years old in the sea. It is apt to cause them great
injury. Materfamilias will do well to o-bathe the injunctions of our
[SOME one has received eighteen months' imprisonment for stealing a
Not hard to find the reason why he sinned-
He stole a fan, of course, to raise the wind.
ACCORDING to a daily organ, Mr. Clare Sewell Read has often been
considered the Jeremiah of British farming, because he seldom opens
his mouth but to make some lament." Why not de-Clare him a prophet
Read-ivivus at once ?
MUST a minute book necessarily be a second volume ?
N AUGUST 29, 1883.-
FOUND. WHAT IS IT?"
IKE A CRAB, DOESN'T IT?"
LLY SAYS, WHENEVER YOU TAKE HER OUT ROWING, YOU KEEP
MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME FOR IT?"
[MILLY feels she 'd just like to give him something.
FcTTN:L'S F:uTTMNT-r2 :BOO=S.
FULL OF COMIC PICTURES. One Shilling each; fost-free, Is. 2id.
FUN'S COMICAL CREATURES.-coMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
"In which some amusing prose and verse serve as accompaniment to more than six score of very
amusing woodcuts, from grotesque drawings of animals by Ernest Griset."-Weekly Dirsatch.
FUN'S HOLIDAY BOOK.-comic PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
" It is replete with wit and humour, and admirably suited for leisure reading."-Doncaster Gazette.
FUN ON THE 8ANDS.-coMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
For the road, rail, and river.
THE ESSENCE OF FUN.-COMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
Rich in illustrations and teeming with jokes."-Seortsman.
J. F. SULLIVAN'S WORKS. Boards, 2s. 6d.; fost-free, 3s. each.
THE BRITISH WORKING MAN, by One who does not Believe in Him.
AND OTHER SKETCHES.
" However funny or grotesque Mr. Sullivan's pictures are, there is nearly always a serious purpose
in them, and we close his book wiser, if not sadder, from its perusal."-Graphic.
"FUN' OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.
sing CAUTION. If
pases S Cocoa thickens in the
ofpraises S TAD cup, it proves the ad-
ALFRED BIRD & SONS, Birmingham will send on recei t of lHavrLt Ith a batn s- y edition of Stalrh.
Tasty Dishes for the Dinner ....d Supper Tab. is .PURE!!1 SOLUBLE!!! REFRE$SHINGll
SEPTEMBER 5, 1883, FTJN. 97
PLEASANT FOR HIM.
ScENR-Shrimpinglon-sur-Mer, a very retired Seaside Place.
Girl (in gieat state of excitement).-" HERE, D' YBR YEAR, BILLEE ? LOOK UP I THERE 'S A CIRCUS A-COMING ; I 'VE JUST SEEN THE CLOWN."
[JONES, the great Amateur Actor, was just rehearsing his clever imitation of MR. IRVING, that was all.
THE BLUNDERBERRYS AT BREAKFAST.
"I DON'T know what they're coming to," sighed Mrs. Blunderberry,
when, having poured all the tea into the slop.basin, she handed her hus-
band an empty cup.
I hope they're not coming to breakfast anyhow," growled her lord
and master; "it's precious little they'd get under your management."
I'd give it them hot and strong," said the good lady with unwonted
"That's just how I like it myself, Mrs. B. ; and if you'll oblige me
with a cup of tea answering to that description, I shall have a higher
opinion of you as a housekeeper than circumstances at the present mo.
"But you never shot an Irish informer," cried Mrs. Blunderberry,
opening her eyes very wide in horror, and dropping the breakfast-cup
upon the floor. "You never pretended to be a missionary and a friend
of Donovan Rossa; you never went out with a revolver as an avenger
to convert the negroes, and got put in prison by the French for assassi-
nating Carey in Madagascar, and then were set free, after after all, because
Sir Stafford Northcote bullied poor Mr. Gladstone about you."
No, I never did any of that," replied Mr. Blunderberry, swallowing
his rasher and his wrath together; and I wasn't the man who refused
the French throne for the sake of a white pocket-handkerchief; and I'm
not the leading tragedian who is going to America to collect funds for
the Land League, nor the professional beauty who cheered the French
troops to a stratagetical retreat in China. I 'm only a City man, ma'am,
who wants his breakfast, and means to have it." And in his capacity
as a lord of the creation, Mr. Blunderberry stretched across the table
and helped himself to the slop-basin half full of tea, and impetuously
emptied into it the contents of the milk-jug and sugar-basin.
"Well, well," repeated Mrs. Blunderberry, who was in a greater
maze than ever, "I don't know what they're coming to."
"What do you think they're coming to, as it isn't to breakfast?"
cried her husband, munching his toast with suppressed ferocity. "Do
you think they're coming to a Social Science Congress? Do you
suppose they 're coming to a prize fight? Have you any private infor-
mation to lead you to imagine they're coming to a Dorcas meeting? "
If you go on like that, Mr. Blunderberry, they '11 come to a lunatic
asylum," retorted his wife, betraying her annoyance.
"That's it-that's it-we 've arrived at the truth at last," cried her
lord, waving his fork above his head. "Why, ma'am, with a farthing's
worth of straw in your hair, and a poet to make rhymes about you, you'd
be a first-class maniac. With your present powers of comprehension, a
vacant stare, and a doctor's certificate, no one would know you from a
"I may not be as clever as you," said his better half, struggling with
her tears; "but why a French Missionary Society should have sent an
admiral to Madagascar to shoot the man who informed against Carey at the
Cape, so that the Englishmight confine him on board man-of-war atTon-
quin to spite the Conservatives and worry the Government, is more than I
can understand-and more than you can either, Mr. Blunderberry." "
"Is that all?" gasped Mr. Blunderberry, leaning back in his chair
and panting, as he mopped his forehead.
No, no I I don't think you can have read your paper this morning.
They've let him off --they 've let him go I "
If he was loaded to the muzzle with such facts as as you are, it was
quite time they let him off," said Mr. Blunderberry. "Let him go?
Why, who in the name of patience would keep him? Give me the
chance-I 'd let you off-I'd let you go, I'm sure."
"That's it-that's the name," cried Mrs. Blunderberry, clapping her
hands. "Shaw? You're Shaw? I never should have believed it if
anybody else had told me."
Mr. Blunderberry muttered a strong phrase into his shirt-collar, and
snatching his hat, sought safety in flight.
An Unextracted Mollah.
THE old Mollah, Mushki Alum, is reported to be at the head of the
Ghilzai rising. He isa notable "Pir," or saint, and is supposed to be quite
ninety-four years of age. This, it is feared, will have anything but a
Mollah-fying effect on Afghan affairs. Some assert that Alum has taken
arms on "pir "-pose to strengthen the rising in the (y)East. But sup-
pose he was to get shot in the Ghilz-ai?
VOL. XXXVzI.-NO, 956.
98 FUNo SEPTEMBER 5, I883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
SUPPOSE the tide of American
"vaudeville entertainments," like
other "disturbances" from the
same source, having set in our di-
rection, will have to be borne with
what patience we may possess until
such time as, in the natural order of
things, the ebb occurs, or it passes
over to other unfortunate shores.
Meantime, I take it, it would no
more hear the voice of a Canute
than its prototype in my graceful
simile, so why should it listen to
the wisdom of a Nestor? A Bunch
of Keys, produced at the Avenue
by the Edouin combination, is the
latest result of the success of Fun on
the Bristol. It is matter of some
THE AVENUE.-TAKING HER OWN LINE. significance, and contains a whole
volume of criticism, that the piece
was received with almost incessant laughter and applause during its pro-
gress, and yet the curtain was allowed to fall amid respectful silence.
As long as the piece is in progress-at any rate for a considerable time,
we weary towards the end mayhap-we are carried away by the quaint-
nesses and clevernesses of a company which abounds in quaintness and
cleverness; the absolutely inordinate silliness, for instance, of the Poor
little snow-white lamb song is covered from our eyes withamist of comical
action and expression (having no point or connection with the subject
in hand either 1) that we applaud and chuckle, and actually encore; but
when the curtain falls, and the glamour of the actor is removed, we wake
up, wonder what
we 'e been laughing
at, feel ashamed of
ourselves, and are in-
clined to come down
extra hard upon the X
authors in conse-
quence. The piece
contains a consider-
able amount of hu-
mour ; the acting of
Mr. Edouin is tho-
roughly artistic and
original; the dancing i
of both Miss Victoria
Reynolds and Miss
Alice Atherton is ex.
cellently neat and THE AVENUE.-VERY BRISK PORTER AND A CAPITAL
clever, though rather DANCING DOLLY.
athletic, while their singing and acting leave little to be desired; very
satisfactory are the efforts of Miss Irene Verona and Miss Hetty Chap.
man, more particularly the vocal; Mr. Powers exhibits resources of a hu-
morously pantomimic and acrobatic character apparently inexhaustible;
but the plot of the piece is too thin, and kept too much in the back-
ground by the impersonations and "varieties which have but slight
connection with it (it would be less irritating were there no plot at all),
that I doubt if much success will attend what its authors elect to call a
comedy, "because comedy is the word used to describe everything put
upon the stage at present," but which might
with quite equal justice be called a tragedy
for the same reason-and others.
Shall I tell the story ?-hm --er-eb ?
oh I well of course if you will have it- it 's
this. One Jotham Keys has died and left a
hotel, a will, and three nieces bearing the
family name. These latter form the Bunch
\m of Keys-clever title, isn't it? The will
leaves the hotel to the plainest niece, the
question of plainness to be decided by the
first commercial traveller visiting the hotel.
As soon as the conditions are known, the
young ladies cease to yearn for wealth, at
least for that particular wealth. Miss Irene
THE AVENUE. SNAGGS Verona indulges in considerable Irene on the
THINKS HE'D LIKE TO GO point, much to the consternation ov 'er ona-
SNAGuSINTHEPROPERTV. or rather her lover,-Tom (who shows no dis-
position to resent the conditions), and Miss
Hetty Chapman assumes a Hetty-tude on the subject quite opposed to
all legal Hetty-quette, and scouts the idea of her beauty being gauged by
any Chapman but herself. Miss Alice Atherton says little, but it is clear
that she is Alice-tening, and she 'Ath'er-turn by-and-bye. Meantime
Snaggs, the rascally family lawyer, having, in the hopes of marrying one
of the sisters, and so acquiring the property, suppressed a codicil to the
the option of
wd14 dividing the
S spoil if they
S prefer that
J7 course, opens
o the hotel "on
S which a p.
pears to be a
"for the be.
nefit," I pre.
THE AVENUE.-THE SISTERS OBJECTING TO BE PLAIN, MAKE sume, of
THEMSELVES EXTREMELY PLAIN ABOUT IT. the estate."
Here, in a
wonderfully complete and substantial "set," representing the bar and
vestibule of the hotel, with staircase, gas lamps, and lift complete, as
well as a sectional representation of two upper rooms at the back, occur
all sorts of wild and clever eccentricities. The girls and their hangers-
on, having got wind of the codicil, visit the hotel in various disguises,
sing, dance, and gymnasticise ad libitum, and so thoroughly do they
enjoy their own antics (which have no bearing whatever on the story or
their search), that they forget all about the codicil until Miss Atherton
reminds herself of it, obtains the key of the safe in which it is hidden,
extracts, and reads it-and all is over.
On the return of the Lyceum .
company in June next, Faust, as
interpreted by Mr. Wills, will be
the first production, they say. /'
King Lear, in course of time, will .
have the pleasure of Fausting it .
from the programme.
They are going to put on The
Obera Cloak at Drury Lane di- n
rectly: it is a comedietta, and is
to be strongly cast, things being in
the hands of Messrs. H. George,
H. Nicholls, H. Jackson (may
they never drop their H.s at Old
Drury l), W. Morgan, Misses M.
A. Victor, Fanny Enson, and
Addie Gray. By the way, Mr. THE AVENUE.-HIGH KEYS AND
Harris has followed the fifteen. LowKYS.
year-old example of Mr. John Hollingshead,'and~abollshed all fees,
They haven't at the Imperial.
Mr. Sam. H. S. Austin, lately Mr. Edouin's attentive and courteous
business manager, has gone to Edinburgh to manage Messrs. Howard
and Wyndham's new theatre, The Lyceum, which will be opened on the
ioth instant by Mr. Henry Irving and Miss Ellen Terry. Success to
all of them.
Mr. Purkiss, of the Royal Music Hall, has been doing another of those
of kindness of
repay him in
i, kind. Talk-
ing of music
halls, by the
1 way, Mr.
rion, the ac-
of the Troca-
his benefit to-
THE AVENUE.-THE HEIR RESTORER. n e s da y);
"' ar t, "
therefore, and give him a bumper at parting.