PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS)
BY W. LAY,
153 FLEET STREET, E.C.
: Ti-_t IT.
A TRAVELLER'S TALE.
THE native-villagers of his native village of LONDON were having their evening
pipe and pot on the old regular bench.
. A-tourin' an' a-sightseein' agin, so he is I said the first native-villager; "al-
ways a-tourin' an' a-sightseein', so he is 1"
"Wonderful an' surprising' sights 'ce do see, too," said the second native.
"An' wonderful an' surprisin' tales 'ee do tell wen 'ee cooms 'ome too," said the
third native-villager ; "an' I says let them bleeve 'em as likes tu I Hee I hee 1"
At this there was a deprecating murmur of-
No, Tummus; doant yew go to say as 'ee ever deceives us. Not'ee, 'ee doant.
'Ee don't go to deceive nobody; an' wot 'ee says, that's trew, 'owsomever it might
seem a leetle startlin' to 'ear at first. 'Is travlurs' tales is trew tales, Tummus.
Wy-'ere ef 'ee ain't coom back onst more, an' 'artily welcome tu."
As they spoke, the party to whom they alluded trudged into view, dressed in a
dusty and travel-stained tourist suit, a knapsack on his back, a stout stick in his
The cordiality of his reception by his native-villagers was something to remember;
they arose in a body and shouted; each of them wrung his hand; they took off his
knapsack, and handed him a long drink of their homely native London stout and
bitter. But can we wonder at all this? No ; for the traveller was FUN, the per-
sonal benefactor and bosom friend of every villager in London.
"An' wot might you 'ave seen werry re-markable this timee" asked the vil.
lagers in chorus.
Well, you see, you're such a sceptical lot," said FUN behind his mug of stout
and bitter, that it's useless to tell you of the wonders I've seen. You will not
All the villagers wiped their mouths with their cuffs in polite deprecation, and
murmured, "'T ain't for the likes ov we tu doubt yewer word, for sure I"
"Well, then," said FUN, "I have seen the nice gardens they made on the
Thames Embankment, to give Londoners a breath of air, turned into receptacles
for the poisonous gases that the M. D. R. doesn't know what to do with. Would
you believe that ?"
S. The villagers nodded.
S "And then I have seen with my own eyes persons who objected to the grants
~ to Lord Wolseley and Lord Alcester. Would you believe that ? "
The villagers nodded, murmuring, "There's allers rum 'uns about."
r\!\., "And I've seen- And he related other wonders of the half-year ending
June, 1883; and at each wonder the villagers nodded. "And I've seen-and
-"/ bought-and eaten-cheap fish in this very village-Lordon I Would you believe
"NOO-WE-WUDDUN'T, an' that's straightt" said the villagers decidedly.
S "Yew think as we're simple folk as 'all taake in ennythink yew 're minded tu stoof
down; but wen it cooms tu cheeap fish in Lundun- "
S But here is some cod I got at threepence per pound and here are some had.
docks at a penny each ; judge for yourselves," said FON.
But the villagers only chuckled knowingly, and shook their heads for an hour;
A"\\.. then they said, "And whereabowt might one be aable tu get this cheesp fish,
Mister Joker ? "
W xT "The name of the market is contained in this volume," replied FUN.
The villagers winked at and nudged one another, then sceptically held out their
THE THIRTY-SEVENTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES
- 'a '
ACADEMICIANS at us Again (The), 254
Ambassadors (The), 205
And that's how it would be, 71
And things are not what they seem, 167
An All-Rounder, 3
An Exception to the Rule, 1x89
An Improving Story for Little Adulte-
An Improved Way of Begging, 82
Another Demoniac Plot, 17
Art Season (The), 225
BEAUTY Banisher (The), 126
Billingsgate Fetish (The), 20oo
Bitter Blow (A), 222
Blighted Being (A), 83
Blunderberrys at Breakfast (The), 169, 171,
183, 234, 237, 259
Bridge Question (The), 195
By Deputy, 253
CAPITAL Arrangement (A), 18o
Complete Refutation (A), o103
Conversations for the Times, 28, 125, 147,
Crowned at Last, 77
DANCER'S Land, 104
Danubian Puzzles, 99
Departure from Custom (A), 683
Desperate Undertaking (A), 81
Directors' Dirge (The), 119
Dis-tress-ing Ditty (A), 212
Ditties of the Day, 7, 17, 27, 37, 49, 59, 71,
81, 93, 103, 117, 125, 139, 147, 157, 167,
174, 189, 299, 209, ai6, 228, 243, 253, 263
Don't Try it on with Him, 174
Dots by the Way, 149
Dynamite and Dagger, 131
ERRING Errington, 246
FACT-FANCIES, 9, 39, 50, 85, 129, 161
Fearful Sentence (A), 243
Form of Insanity (A), 8
Fun's Condensed Library, 18
GATHERING Crowd (The), 153
Got it Himself this Time. 21o
Great Central Anxiety (The), 6o
Greeting to the Glorious One (A), 23
Gustave Dor6, 41
Harbinger of Spring (The), 235
Hard on the Passenger, 93
Health of the Count and the Queen, 232
His Cherryshed Pastime, 15o
How could He? 244
How the Rich Live," 264, 273
INNOCENT Inf-rmer (The), 94
In Memoriam, 274
Intelligent Foreigner in Parliament, 83,
87, 105, lo9, 127, 131, i59, 163, 573, 185,
200, 210o, 233, 244, 249, 265, 267
JUSTIFIABLE Suspicions, 216
KEEPING it Warm, 55
LARGE Order (A), ito
Latest Amenity (The), 138
Lays from Lempriere, 92
Left Out, 263
Ldon Gambetta, 19
Lesseps and Cook, 128
Little Too Much (A), 27
Louise and her Followers, 128
MAY Mixture. 191 ENGRAVINGS. Portly Passenger (A), 234
Member for Woodcock's Song (The), 136 ABOUTr hat Weird Influence, 144 Prie has Another Fall, 4
Mems of the Month, 255 Absurd, 26o Privilege without Responsibility, 270
Monsieur Champagne, 139 Agreeing with a Difference, 83 oo Positive 247
Moral for the M.D.R.C., 132 Amateurs (The), 1g1 Proof Positive" Process, 39
Misdirected Congratulations, I99 A Un-Fare Remark 16 Professional Pride, 265
Missing H ( 7 And just when she Thought she'd Hooked Putff a Blow (A)i 49
My Batavian One, 224 Him too I 151 Putting Him up to a Wrinkle, zo5
NOT Unlikely, 29 "And Still Growing,"o Putting Him up to a Wrinkle, io
Noted Change (The), 50 Another Useful Acts 5 RACE-Y, 215
Nothing te, "Art, Beautiful Art, s Rather a Sharp Attack, 77
Nothing Better, As to Landed Property, 5 Rational Dress Association (The), 236
Old and New (The), 9 Ay, there's the Rub!Real Sport, 150
Old Songs Reset, 1, 2t, 97, 265 BLuE-Belle (A), o7 Rector and Cor-rector, 85
Our Charlie Again, 239 Blushing for his Country, 249 3Retsr Employment ,3
Our Extra-Special and the Missing Lil Bonniek Bonie Scotland, 237 Returning to the Primitive, co
13; And Miss Louise Michel, 23; On Review Scraps, 131
the Wearing of Medals, 43; And M. CABINET Question, 138 Reward s ting Parnell(Th, 9
Gre6vy, 55 ; At the War Exhibition, 77; Caution, o Roasting Parnell, 196
At Moscow, 99 : And the Wild Horses, C Canes1 9 Rubbing it In, s12
xo : At the Electric Exhibition, It 3 Child Affected with the Fish Craze, 225 SA-TIS Jam (A), 3
On a Fishy Subject, o; Atnd the ChRussian Common Form of Sympathizer (A), 56 Search (The), 211
Tournament, gi; And the Russian Cosmpliment (A), 55 Seaside Sufferer (A), 256, 266, 269
Ou r Hard-up Contributor, 61 Constitooshinal, 224 Sell (A), 33
Our Hard-up Contributor, Crme de la Crme, 9 Shall we Open our Art Galleries? 203
PANFUL Subject (A), 49 DESIRABLE P ton (A), 45 Sketches at the Royal Academy, Iq6, 206,
Patience, Justice, Sympathy," zo5 Difficulty (A (), 3 epless Himself, to give to Others
Pleasant Position (A), 179Directors' Dummy(The), 37 "Sleepless Himel to give to Others
Plon-Plon in Prison, 33 Sleep," 17r
Praising the Prophet, 202 EXCELLENTES vos Indications Pierre, Sportive Savant (The), 84
mais tr6s techniques," so TEACHING the Young Idea, 29
RANDOM Shots, 249 Eye-Witness Hallucination (The), i6 TEACHING the Young Idea, 19
Rational or Ridiculous, 236 ThatEy s Hallucination (The), 164 Retarded Postal DeliveryQuestion, 4
Recent Gales (The), 59 FARE Question anda Fare Answer(A), 193 "There's Many a True Word," etc., 235
Reckless Riders, 247 Five a.m., 87 Those Debts, 269
Retiring, s151 Forethought, 85 Those Reliefs, so1
Revie Ion the Brain, 2 5 Three Valentines 63
Roadside Philosophye 35 FUN's Derby Hieroglyphic, 213 'Ti Better Not to Know, 52
Room for Enterprise, 259 GAME of Buttons (The), 18o Tow-path Items, sr8
Royal Row (A), 10 Gruel-ty, 50 "Trade Custcm Swindle Again (The), 51
Tropical Tragedy (A), 182, '9z
SAUCY Sto (A), 25 HATTITUDE is Everything, 53 VALENTINEs I Have Sent, 72
Science of cheek (The), 116 S s s 3 VALENTINES I Have Sent, 72
Sco't-Free, 38 Highest Tribunal (The), 334 Very Fardila, 24
Signs of Dissolution, 37 Honour to whom Honour is Due, 570 Very Forward Play, 246
Slashes and Puffs, 2, 12, 22, 32, 42, 54, 64, How to Climb, 140 Very True, 154
76, 86, 98, ioS, 12o, 130, 142, 52, 162, How to Remove an Obstacle, Y o
72, 184, 94 204, 214 26, 238, 8, w to Remove an Obstacle, WAIT Question (A), 40
268 IN the Connervatory, 3 Water Torture (The), 14
Social Sketches, 28, 38, 44, 6, 65, 82, 88, nseratory, 3 eid Influence (A), 22
so4, I 6, 230, 123 i48, 168, 79 Intelligible, What a Fall was there! 61
Solemn Joke (A), 209 Irelandand the Hounds, o Where a
Something New about Valentines, 63 Ireand and the Hounds, 3 Whe t at all 223
Songs of St. Stephen's (The), 220 J. B. in the Streets, 78 (W)rap for Him (A), ir
Songs of the West, 8
Springs and the Book (The), r43 Johnny's Limners, I 89
Stage Realism and Modern Criticism, 33 olly Lttle Fellow, s
Stalking-Horse (The), 157 KITCHEN Confidence (A), 3 CARTOONS.
Sterling British Pluck, 148 KTCN Confidence (A), 31 k
Storm and Stress, 61 BALANCING his Books, 15
Suitable Contribution (A), 94 MENTAL Derangement, 257 Bill Hatching, 241
Surfeit of Enjoyments (A), 222 Mere Baby to Him (A), 173 Caught at Last, 90
Mixed, 74 Champion Runner (The), S65
More Frankenstein Business, 66 Conquering Hero (The), 25
THAT Task Again, 169 More than a Match, 96 Coronation of the Czar, 230
Theory of the Evolution of Valentines, 65 Most Musical, Most Melancholy, 141 Easter Eggs for Brighton, 123
Trio (A), 190 Most Probable, 21 Fish and the Fishmonger (The), 197
Turf Cuttings, 21, 30, 43, 53, 72, 75, zo6, "Home, Sweet Home," 68
109, 140, 170, 182z 005, 221, 234, 239, 255, NEARING the End, 75 Idol of the Day (The), 176
257 Never Intended, 186 In Training, 207
Nitro-Glycerine, 16s Like a Giant Refreshed, ioe
UNACCOMPLISHED Toiler (The), 228 Not Far Out, 153 March Past (The), 134
Unveiling It, 153 Not Inconsolable, 274 Master and Pupil, 145
Useful and Ornamental, 257 Not so Green as his Nation, 127 New Year's Party (The), 5
On View, 155
VALUABLE Right (A), 88 OFF to the Meet, 43 Riding their Hobbies, 218
'Varsity Blues (The), 1i4 Old Salt (An), 255 River Mashers (The), a 2
Vastly Improved, 44 On the Hire System, 94 Sisters-in-Lords (The), 251
Very Man (The), i58 On the River, ai6 Song of the New Law Courts (The), 57
Opening of the Royal Academy, 195 Tit for Tat, 35
WAOur Provident Way, 24 Telephonic Statesmanship, 79
WVAR? 239 Temperance for the Army, 46
Warm Watery Warble (A), 159 PAST and Gone, 62 Thought-Reading, 271
Well Carried Out, n 90 Permanent Employment, 259 Watering his Plants, 187
Wildest Pantomime of 'em all, 13 Pleasures of Fishing in the Highlands, i6n 1857 and 1893, 26x
JANUARY 3, 1883.
WALK UPI WALK UP!
THE extinguisher of Father Time had all but fallen on the
dying and spluttering flame of 1882, when FUN manipulated
with dexterity his own Patent Luminiferous Dobrowoski
Blacking-Brush Electric Light "-a light clear, brilliant, and
lucid as himself. FUN then used his well-padded drumsticks
with appalling vigour on his largest and most discordant drum,
and began his New Year's address to the British Public as
Dear B. P., you imagine probably that I am about to puff
my own show, in which case it's a hundred-ton gun to a penny
peashooter you are right. Somebody or other (an unread Re-
publican, possibly) once remarked, 'The British Public is a
bass I' which utterance was neither polite nor true. The B. P.
is, on the contrary, remarkably 'fly ;' but at the same time it
is sceptical, and will not believe in shows that are not puffed.
Therefore," continued FUN, while he gracefully bowed (at least,
as gracefully as a jester with a big drum slung round his
neck could bow) and cocked his left optic pleasantly at the
British Public, therefore, though I assert in a fearless manner
that I can give any other comic show in the world 'points,'
and win, I am not afraid to admit that there are several others
in existence of most excellent quality; but before I '11 ever
be beaten, hang me! I'11-I '11- Here FUN plied his
drumsticks so furiously, that the drums of the British Public's
ears, as well as his own sonorous instrument, were nearly
If you are never beaten," shrieked the drum, I am. Don't
be quite so handy with those sticks, guv'nor !"
"Dear B. P.," resumed FUN, disdaining to notice the ap-
peal, I have re-engaged for this year, that has just made its
welcome appearance, some of the most eccentric Comic Artists
and peculiar Comic Journalists of the present day-and a few
of 'em are eccentric and peculiar, you bet. I allow them
to stand on their heads in the office, to appropriate my best
cigars, to incite my head clerk to sing 'Tiddy-fol-lol!' during
office hours, to dance with the Office Boy's great-aunt, and
all for your sake, dear B. P. I have to put up with much in
order to provide my grand weekly show for you, B. P."
Here FUN showed signs of weeping, but the cheers of the
B. P. revived him. And once more the big drum had cause
for serious complaint.
",Walk up walk up!" cried the People's Jester; "plank down your pennies, and revel in the most mirth-creating show in the
VOL. XXXVII.-NO. gal.
JANUARY 3, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
THE COURT.-COME READY TO ENJOY Crumrades.
solutely enjoyeth himself in ten times to the extent
ten, so that the noticer goeth cheerily to his
work and beginneth to believe that the stage
of his country is at last showing itself worthy
of its possibilities.
' my halidome
and in good
sooth, the life of
the humble no-
more than bear-
able I Time was
when of half a
nay, of more-
that did not
weary, or out-
rage, or inap-
amuse was as
one, and weari-
ness of spirit fell
upon the notice
and dulled his
of late it seem-
eth, and indeed
is, that he is not
dulled, nay, ab-
of nine-tenths of
This improvement is distinctly attributable
to Mr. FUN-it is useless for that gentleman
to attempt to conceal the fact; did not "the
little house in Tottenham Street" inaugurate
that school of quiet art and natural acting
which is the guiding star of modern effort? ii i
Did not the late T. W. Robertson supply ii
them with the means of inauguration, and
was not he an honoured member of Mr.
FUN'S most noble army of witty ones? But
the blush of conscious modesty rises to the
gifted one's cheek, and I pass from the topic.
The comparative newness of the authors of
the Silver King as authors, and the absolute
newness of one of the authors (and that the
principal one concerned, I believe) of Com-
rades, will surely justify these opening re-
marks. There are said to be two weak points
in Comrades (it is good when stress is laid THE SAVOY.-AN Hor
upon weak points," there must be some-
thing strong about the article). The first
point is the General's concealment of his first marriage from his second
wife, but I ven-
7 ture (with fear
.. '. and trembling,
J "-' y c of course) to
think that this
I able thing un-
,' der the circum-
i stances and con-
ditions in which
fh it is placed in
i the story. The
other point, the
to believe him-
also seems very
natural to me:
taking the pro-
S bable bent of
k, each man's
thoughts at the
THE SAVOY.-STILL ,FTHETIC, NOT QUITE OUT OF moment, the
Patience question of ille-
gitimacy would never occur to the father at all n his knowledge of the
facts; while the son would only look for corroboration of what. he' had
already made up
his mind to as
the truth; and
at the worst nei-
ther of these
so weak to me
as Sir George's
rather oppor- r
and perfectly i
allowable as the
than this to the
authors of such
a sterling play-
not so much a
ten play as one
strong in human THE SAVOY.-MORE isSTHETICISM, Two TOOTLING.
is probably the secret of its power)-and one giving opportunity for such
magnificent acting as that of Mr. Clayton
and Mr. Coghlan in the second act. The
acting throughout shows all the completeness,
care, and delicately handled power which
are characteristic of the company, but Mr.
Coghlan's picture of mental struggle and
pain in this scene and the following one with
-Lady Constance will not be easily excelled or
readily forgotten. Miss Marion Terry is
S- graceful and tender as ever as Lady Con-
tstance. Mr. Mackintosh's rather obtrusive
'Tom Stirrup is a good study of an unconven-
tional Irishman, and Mr. D. G. Boucicault
I books lovely in the full uniform and medals he
lavished upon himself in the last act.
Mr. Gilbert's lolanthe, except that it is
rather thinner in plot than his previous pieces
of the series, is just what one might have ex-
pected it to be: quaint turns of thought,
.... ..e whimsical incongruities, demure liberties
taken with exalted personages, perfect com-
-= = -z c mand of the technicalities of expression (no
less in prose than in rhyme), Miss Alice
ERRATIC CHANCELLOR. Barnett, Mr. Grossmith, Miss Gwynne-all,
all are there, and, in spite of the familiarity of
their features, invested with a freshness which
only Mr. Gilbert himself could give them. The acting of the Savoy
company is nei-
ther better nor -
usual, which is
quite sufficiently -
good, and the -
in the case of --
with the assist-
ance of the
book), and Mr.
Grossmith (who .
has not been
provided by Na-
ture with a sing- ,
ing voice, al- I 1
though she has i'!'
supplied him I
with a certain
which enables THE SAVOY.-TAICING UP A SOLDIER.
him to carry off
the deficiency) possesses the necessary qualities of tunefulness. NESTOR.
JANUARY 3, i883. F UT 3
THOUGH most regard their FUN no end
Their guide, philosopher, and friend,
There are who look on him as quite
Beneath their ken-which isn't right.
'T is not for these that he essays
To annotate the Christmas plays;
No, no his love for such is dim;
'T is done for those who 're fond of him.
For these alone he goes betimes
To all the plays and pantomimes,
For these alone he does the round,
And begs to mention what he 's found.
And first with favour he regards
The Covent Garden Promenardes;
(He likes them well-suggests a call-
There's smoking in the Floral Hall).
There's Sindbad starts a brilliant reign
Within the walls of Drury Lane,
So great in play, in cast and dress,
A pure emb-Harris de richesse;
The Yellow Dwarf will please the town
(Although that dwarf needs cutting down),
And atrHer Majesty's will run
Until the new "Pandora "'s done.
Then let us take a cab, old pal,
And off to the Imperial,
Where 7ack the Giant Killer shows
(As Hobson's choice," we may suppose),
Or seek the distant Sadler's Wells,
Where Crusoe in his glory dwells,
Or seek the still more distant Britt.,
And give that Lane a turn, to wit.
Then mark the new-raised Alcazar
Where Cinderella reigns the star,
A favourite ; for see, we have
Another of her at the Pav."
Though Whittington like praise may own
(See Avenue and Marylebone);
And there two Hoods, it's plain to see,
At Hengler's and the Standard be.
Then some for fun may put to use
The Elephant and Castle Goose;
The Forty Thieves at Crystal Pal.,
Or Messrs. Sanger's Bluff King Hal;
Or if you are an aunt or pa,
(As very many people a')
You'll take some puss in shoes (which soots)
To see the Surrey Puss in Boots.
Who cry for taste and acting too
Should make a fuss with Much Ado,
Or listen to the sterling ring
There is about The Silver King;
Or how Jane Eyre her part sustains
And Jane-Eyre-al approval gains;
Or pleased see Comrades win, no less
Than mark a Rivals' great success.
Nor let the Haymarket be passed,
Though shortly 't will be losing Caste,
Nor miss where the St. James's lives
For art, and nightly Impulse gives;
Let Love or Money be their choice
For melodrame who raise the voice,
While we, for those who 'd laugh, rehearse
Some items in a final verse.
Eloped's the means the Strand employs
To make you regular roar," my boys.
The Novelty Melita plays ;
Then Valentine and O. 's the Ga's;
The Comedy's is Rip; the 0.-
Comique's is ladies, as you know;
While Tooleseses is Girls and Boys,
And lolanthe the Savoy's.
Ye who in holidays rejoice
Peruse the list and make your choice ;
But ye who would select a gem
Observe what NESTOR says of them.
A SA-TIS JAM!
Miss] Edith.-" AND YOU'RE TAKING GREAT CARE OF YOUR THROAT, I SEE, MR.
Dfr. Reginald deBromley.-" AW I-YES. I'M TO SING AT THE BICKLEYS' TO-NIGHT,
DON'T YOU KNOW? AND I'M TRYING TO PRESERVE WHAT LITTLE VOICE I HAVE."
Miss Fanny (a rattle).-OH I THEN YOU THINK IT SWEET' ENOUGH TO PRESERVE,'
MR. DE BROMLEY, DO YOU?"
(Mr. Reginald de Bromley (after vainly endeavouring to make an appropriate re-
partee) is obliged to pursue the "light tenor" of his way, or rather the way of
the light tenor, discomfited.
The Ire Education Question.
HERE 'S a lark !-another appropriate name. Look here :-" A lad was charged with stealing
sugar from a van in the Wandsworth Road. Mr. Iremonger, the School Board officer, informed
his worship-" Just picture to yourself the anger and deep-seated yearning for vengeance
stirred up in any neighbourhood by the visit of a School Board officer, and then say to yourself,
"Mr. Iremonger I Ho ho By Jove I Talk about appropri--just fancy now I
JANUARY 3, 1883.
THAT RETARDED POSTAL DELIVERY QUESTION-(SOME CAUSES OF THOSE DISGRACEFUL DELAYS).
Of course we would not suggest that the public is itself in any way responsible for the lateness of its letters; but still
Here's a postman on his round. Cause of delay No. z.-The thoughtless person (Mr. Legion) who will not have a letter-box. The party who will have a name,
instead of a number, to his hovel.
The household that can't find twopence.
FUJIN .-JANUARY 3, 1883.
THE NEW YEAR'S PARTY.-OUT IN THE COLD.
OUT IN THE COLD.
CABINET Ministers, merry and wise,
Somebody's waiting outside in the cold,
Gazing with possibly hungering eyes
Into the room where you jointly appear
To be wishing each other a Happy New Year
At the family board in convivial guise,
And never a moment reflecting how near
To the scene of your joy is your comrade of old-
Out in the cold.
Hardly, perchance, can he keep back a tear
As he sees by how little he's failed of the prize
Which his honest ambition has tried, and still tries,
To obtain, but which Fate doth withhold,
Pressing him down when he's longing to rise-
Out in the cold.
Ought you to leave him thus shivering here?
Cannot you let him partake of your cheer?
Is his assistance the sort you despise ?
Will you not lend to his merits an ear ?
Why don't you take him up into your fold,
Out of the cold ?
JANUARY 3, 1883.
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT,
Naw SERIES. No. 27.-A SoNG or ASSISTANCE.
AIR-" All through obliging a Lady."
TWAS Christmas-time, the holidays
Demoralized me quite;
I felt a strong desire to laze,"
And didn't want to write,
When, as I settled to begin
(Though much inclined to shirk),
A Christmas fairy toddled in
And kindly did my work.
Little obliging lady I
Very obliging lady !
My thanks were profuse,
For she was of some use,
Highly obliging lady!
She said, "Our footpaths reek with mud,
Which vestries ought to clear-
I 'd like to have those vestries' blood I "
(She did, the little dear);
"The people's wit in Exeter
Than London's must be higher,
They 've been," she said, "unless I err,
And set the Exe on figher."
Little obliging lady !
Very obliging lady I
"Events of the time"
All spoken in rhyme I-
Highly obliging lady I
She told of Richard Fryer's deed,
And cracked him up, of course,
For causing Royal's nose to bleed-
The brute who kicked his horse;
She told of Poff and Barrett, who
At Cork will have to die;
She had the City Wardmotes, too,
In her expressive eye.
Little obliging lady !
Very obliging lady !
And only to note
How she beamed at each mote
Highly obliging lady !
That Maxwell-Heron's lightly served,
She ventured to opine
(And her opinion hasn't swerved
In this respect from mine) ;
The Peltzers she did not ignore
(And all her spades were spades 1),
And warned me of collectors for
Pretended Fire Brigades.
Little obliging lady I
Very obliging lady 1
And when she had done
I thanked her like fun,
Extremely obliging lady I
AN IMPROVING STORY FOR LITTLE
"Adulteration Fines.-Professor Corfield, analyst to the St. George, Hanover
Square, Vestry, in issuing a special report on the fines that have been inflicted
by magistrates lately in cases of adulteration of food, remarks, 'I have
on several occasions pointed out that the tendency of magistrates to inflict
merely nominal fines seems to be increasing. Now, however, that a man has been
fined only is. and 12s. 6d. costs for adulterating milk vith 20 per cent. of water, having
previously been convicted of adulterating two samples and fined 2s. 6d. and 6i 3s.
costs in each case, not only has proof been obtained that the fines imposed are not
sufficient, but the question is raised whether it is really worth while to put the machinery
in work to get a conviction, when the only result is to bring the Act of Parliament into
THERE were three little milkmen who set out one day to find the way
to fortune. Now these three little men were quite aware that there are
three roads to the end named-viz., the Flatter Road, the Bounce Road,
and the Swindle Road; and they were also aware that their little brains
were not sufficiently gifted for either of the two former roads, and that
their only chance lay along the last. So they boldly marched on until
they were suddenly brought up by the Adulteration Act, which terrified
them dreadfully, as it looked quite formidable in the haze which sur-
rounded it; but just as all three were about to run back and abandon
the road, the good magistrate, who was put in charge to administer the
act, appeared before them. Now the magistrate had been placed there
by the good Fairies Stultification and Deadletter, to weed out those who
came along the road, in order that only the wise and persevering might
reach the goal; and for this purpose it was his duty to place little
obstacles all along to try the courage of those who came along.
Now it happened that the first of the three little milkmen was a deal
sharper than the other two, and the moment he set eyes on the magistrate
he saw, through the forbidding frown of sham severity put on to terrify
the faint-hearted, the merry sparkle of kindliness in his eye, and the in-
tense enjoyment of the joke at the corners of his mouth.
So when the magistrate said with a thunderous voice of mock severity,
"Two-and-sixpence fine, and one-pound-three costs I" the two foolish
little milkmen ran away as fast as their toes would carry them, became
honest, and died in the workhouse; but the wise little milkman paid the
money with a chuckle, and the good magistrate patted him on the head
and disappeared with a knowing wink. And the sharp little milkman
trudged straight on, and slipped in an extra ten-per-cent. of water. And
presently the Adulteration Act suddenly started up again across his path
and made him start a little; but he soon recovered from any little fear of
it when the good magistrate said, in a voice much less like thunder than
before, "One-shilling, and twelve-and-six costs." So when the Act
started up for the third time the little milkman did not care at all, and
the magistrate spid quite approvingly, Summons dismissed. Go on,
my brave little man, for you see the Adulteration Act is not really such a
terrible thing as it looks, and I am put here to prove it. Your difficulties
are over I This is all we have been told of the story, but we will guess
how it finishes-here it is :-
So the little milkman went straight on (throwing in another ten-per-
cent. of water) until he came to the Adulteration Act again; but it would
not have frightened any one now, for it was in the form of a triumphal
arch, and the magistrate was waiting under it, and warmly welcomed and
embraced the little milkman, and strewed his path with flowers, and led
him by the hand to a beautiful palace, which was the residence of Fortune.
And here the little milkman found as much gold as ever he wanted, and
the good Fairies Stultification and Deadletter assisted him to add
another fifty-per-cent. of water to the fifty-per-cent. already added, and
in course of time he became a peer of the realm.
So, all you dear little milkmen (and all other little swindlers with
just sufficient brains for the road we have treated of), next time your nurses
tell you what a dreadful prohibitory thing the Adulteration Act is, place
your thumb to your nose, and spread out your fingers-so.
8 FUNT JANUARY 3, I883.
CONSISTENT," suggested FUN; "yes, perhaps there's something
in what you say."
OUR newspaper has discovered a new place called Tonkin, and seems
very proud of spelling it out. Some have rashly supposed from the ap-
proach to similarity in name that the newly discovered place is iden-
tical with the one which gives the name to the well-known Beene. We
may state that the paper we mention is published in Fleat Streat, in the
Parish of St. Briyde, in the City of Lundun. A paper also informs us
in one paragraph that: "Shedide reports that he has captured Ali
Showeyer and Salim Abu; and Warren has left for Nackl." And in
another on the same page that: "The Arab force under Shedeed have
laid hands upon Ali Shomeyer, as well as Salim Abou;" and that
Colonel Warren has gone to Nakhl." Suppose Shedide should come
across Shedeed, and Showeyer meet Shomeyer, and Abu catch sight
of Abou, we expect there would be a fight. The only difficulty would
be whether it should take place at Nackl or Nakhl.
It's Swizzely Accounted for.
THE Times is much disconcerted at the recent great increase of
drunkenness in Switzerland. But is it so very strange that the Switzer
should thus take so kindly to "Swizzle "
"A FORM OF INSANITY."
(And no kind of slur intended on Mr. Howara Vincent's praseworthy
ilan of action, either.)
"CRIME," said Civilization, wisely, "is a form of insanity; a criminal
is simply a lunatic." This was some time ago (but not so very long),
and Civilization set about dealing with crime in such a manner as should
conclusively show the sane state of its own mind.
Its method was very simple: it hanged everybody who had committed
any kind of crime, however insignificant; the criminal could choose his
way to the gallows at that time, instead of being compelled as now to
reach it by one definite hard-and-fast act of criminality which it may be
repugnant to his feelings to commit. He could steal a loaf, or a bit of
flannel, or a pin, or commit forgery, and so forth, and the result was
always the same-the extreme penalty of the law. "For crime is merely
a form of insanity," said Civilization, "and the utmost severity is the
It was a comparatively short time after this that Civilization, still
muttering gravely to itself about insanity, proceeded to give fresh evidence
of its own soundness of mind.
It began by introducing the ticket-of-leave for the purpose of removing
the deterrent influence from punishment (by proving to criminals that
the law does not mean what it says, and that its threats are more terrible
than its visitations) and of offering a premium to deceit; then Civilization
seriously entertained the notion of abolishing the extreme penalty of the
law for the extreme effort of crime; then it revolted from the cat's being
applied to incurable ruffians, and could with difficulty persuade itself to
retain it; then it did all it could think of to make our prisons comfortable ;
and finally requested Mr. Howard Vincent to give a nice supper to dis-
For crime," said Civilization, ".is merely a form of insanity, and the
utmost lenience is the cnly cure."
"Hum says our Special Criminal, reflectively. "Ah-jest so!
Last century you 'angs me for nothing; now you lets me off for every-
think, and pets me up into the bargain Hum I Insanity, eh? Well,
it strikes me as p'r'aps I ain't got so much as that about me as some
folks I knows on At any rate, I 'm-I'm- "
I i !
I '-- "
AFFAIRS OF THE PORT(E).- age, and vint-age
SONGS OF THE .WEST.
VI.-BALLAD OF THE FOXES.
THERE is a golden glory in my song
As of a picture by Carpaccio,
For it is of the early morning-time
When every man believed with tender faith
That animals could talk-oh, lovely lore I
So, lady, listen as the lay runs on.
There was a goose, and she was travelling
Across the land for her dyspepsia,
And at the noontide sat to rest herself
In a small thicket, when there came along
Two starving foxes, perishing to find
Something which was not too-too-utter-ish
To serve for dinner. And as they were wild
For want of food, it was but natural
That they should likewise be confounded cross:
Oh, lady, listen as the lay runs on I
And as they halted near the thicket, one
Of them observed, If you were half as sharp
As books make out, you would not now. I'll bet,
Be ravenous enough to gnaw the grass."
" And if you were as big, or half as big,
As you believe you are," snarled Number Two,
" You 'd be a lion of the largest size
Minus his roar, and pluck, and dignity."
Oh, listen, lady, as the lay runs on !
"Please to observe I want no impudence
From any fifteen-nickel quadruped
Of your peculiar shape," snapped Number One.
" And if you give me but another note
Of your chin-music," snarled out Number Two,
"I'll make a wreck of you, you wretched beast,
Beyond insurance-bet your tail on that 1"
Oh, lady, listen as the lay runs on !
" You are the champion snob of all the beasts 1"
"And you the upper scum of all the frauds."
"You are the weathercock of infamy."
"And you the lightning-rod of falsehood's spire."
"You are a thief 1" "Ditto." "You lie." "I ain't."
"Shut up, you goy !" And hearing this, the goose
Could bear no more, but walking from the bush,
Put on expression most benevolent,
And said, Oh, gentlemen, for shame for shame 1
I '11 settle this dispute : in the first place
Let me remark, as an impartial friend-"
Oh, listen, lady, as the lay runs on I
But she did not remark, because they made
A rush at her and caught her by the throat,
And ate her up; and as they picked their teeth
With toothpicks made of her lost pin-feathers,
The first observed, and that quite affably,
"Only a goose would ever make attempt
To settle a dispute when foxes fight "-
Oh, lady, listen as my lay runs on.
"And while I have a very great respect
For any peacemaker," said Number Two,
" I would suggest that I invariably
Have found, if they be really honest folk
Who interfere with reprobates like us,
They're always eaten up ; there is, I think,
More clanship between devils any day
Than among all the angels. Interest
Binds us together, and however we fight
Among ourselves to ease our bitter blood,
We do not hate each other half as much
As we do hate the good. Neighbours who fight
Can generally take most perfect care,
Not only of themselves, but of the goose
Who sticks her bill into the fuss they make.
This banquet now adjourns until it meets
Another winged angel of the sort
Which it has just discussed-may it be soon 1'
Lady, this lyric runs no further on.
JANUARY 3, 1883.
The Old and the New.
EIGHTY-TWO, being old and decrepit,
Has lately been ordered to "step it,"
To vanish for aye from our gaze;
And young Eighty-three's being greeted
Now old Eighty-two has completed
His three hundred and sixty-five days.
And, as we consider together
The one who's just finished his tether,
I fancy we all must agree
That he always endeavoured to cheer us
As he tried through a twelvemonth to steer u;,
And grateful we've reason to be.
Perhaps now and then we've had crosses,
Vexations, and worries, and losses,
And "fidgets," and "flurries," and fears;
But, as we're reviewing our rum times,
Methinks we must own it has sometimes
Been our fault as much as the year's.
Ah I whether the year brought us blessing,
Or often our hearts was distressing
With things giving trouble or pain;
Yea, whether he caused us commotion
Or soothed us (mark, here's a new notion),
We ne'er shall behold him again I
He may have appeared, on occasions,
Our yearnings to treat with evasions;
But I think it more likely, indeed,
That he often made sundry advances,
And gave us some pretty good chances,
To which we paid very slight heed.
Ah, well!, ifwe have been neglectful,
This year may we be more respectful.
When? chance of improvement occurs
May we cast off each shackle and fetter,
And strive to be wiser and better,
In Life's tournament winning our spurs.
Against ev'ry feeling that's sordid
Let's fight,-we 'll be amply rewarded-
The Right let us ever revere.
Still, FUN would not lecture you merely,
But would wish you all, very sincerely,
A properous, happy New Year !
AN EPICUREAN.-Surely one who goes in for epics.
(The Hilary Sittings-Nisi Prius and Banc-will be held at the New Law Courts.)
HE was a young defendant. His case was put down in the list for
Court 1145, and the young man was told to meet his solicitor there
and be sharp up to time at 10 a.m.
The solicitor had said to him, "Be early, Mr. Jones, because the
building is somewhat intricate, and there is a leetle difficulty in finding
your way about. You will, however, have no trouble in discovering the
building itself. It is a beautiful pile-some think it to be like a county
jail, with a bit of Westminster Abbey stuck in here and there. The front
/afade is certainly very ornate. The back parts of the building oddly
remind one of local hospitals, workhouses, public baths, and other
public erections, where the ornamental is sacrificed in a great extent to
the beautiful. The interior of the new courts is rather dimly lit. I
should advise you to take a bull's-eye with you, and a few lengths of
magnesium wire, as the stone walls are unpleasant when coming in
contact with the head, and tumbling down into the cavernous gloom
of the staircases is decidedly disagreeable.
So the next morning Mr. Jones had an early breakfast, and bolted off
to court to settle his breach of promise. When he entered the building
he asked one of the attendants which was Court 1145.
- "There is sich a number of courts and rooms," said the man, "that
I really can't tell t' other from which. You had better look out yourself.
You've got a bull's-eye lantern with you-that's all right-as the
building' 's dark, owin' to Gothic architectoor."
Then Mr. Jones walked down the dark passages, and shed the light
of his bull's-eye on the rows of doors. It 's getting more than half-
past," he groaned, and I can't find the court yet. Can you tell me,
sir, which is Court 1145?" he asked of a passer-by.
"I believe," answered the questioned one politely, "that it is the
THE REWARD OF VIRTUE.
Grandmother (in the Highlands, to Grandson).-" WEEL, TONAL', AN'
WHAT BUSINESS WULL YOU PE GOING TO PE?"
Donald.-"OCH, SHE'LL NOT KNOW YET."
Grandmother.-" MY PONNY BOY, YOU MIND AN' PE A GOOT LAD, AN'
ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH, AN' PROVIDENCE 'ILL MAYPE MAKE YE A
POLICEMAN, LIKE YER UNCLE TUGAL' IN GLAISGO'."
first turning on the left, then the third on the right, then upstairs to the
first floor ; then take the seventeenth passage to the right again, and the
fourth turning to the left; then go up a staircase that opens out from the
thirty-sixth door on the right; go up the staircase, only be careful of the
steps, as it is very dark. When you are on the fifth landing of the stair-
case-well, I think you will be able to find your way-at least, if there
happens to be anybody about to direct you. If not, I should advise
you to toss up as to which turning you mean to take. It is as well
sometimes to leave these matters to chance."
"But," shrieked Jones, "I shall never be able to remember all that.
I've not got a good memory, and if I 'm not in court in time I shall lose
my case. Oh I what can I do ? What is the best thing to do? "
I think," answered the polite gentleman, "if you are anxious to find
your way about, that you had better buy a set of architect's plans of the
building. I know some one who has got a set cheap for ten pound
fifteen-there's his card."
Then Jones dashed off to the architect's, and bought the set of plans.
They're rather intricate," he said, as he sat in the great hall; "but
I must do my best to find out where I've got to go to.
If you wants to understand the plans of this here building," remarked
a policeman who was standing by, you had better have in a purfessional
architect, otherwise you '11 never find your way over here: p'r'aps it
would be best to have two, 'cos then if you found one couldn't do it for
you, you could have t' other, or you could strike a hawerage like atween
the two on 'em."
And then the professional architects came to the New Law Courts,
and they wrangled all the day over which were the right turnings to
take to get to Court 1145. So Jones never went into court at all, and
lost his case. He is now a harmless though babbling idiot. But he
has never yet been able to find his way about the New Law Courts, and
what's more, neither will he nor any one else.
dW To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will thev be returned unless
aceomfanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
JANUARY 3 i883.
"AND STILL GROWING."
"I SAY, SUSAN, THESE EGGS ARE VERY SMALL."
" YES, SIR, THEY ARE, SIR ; BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT THEM TO BE VERY LARGE YET, SIR. THEY WAS ONLY LAID THIS
A Royal Row.
HONOUR to Mr. Barstow I A lad named Richard Fryer (honour to
Richard Fryer too I) was summoned for violently assaulting William
Royal, builder, of Risinghill Street, Clerkenwell.
William stated that he was innocently endeavouringg to induce" his
horse to draw a cart up the hill, when the defendant knocked him down
twice and cut his eye open, and that he retaliated by striking Fryer over
the shoulder with a long light whip. It came out, however, on the
testimony of an independent witness, that William's idea of "endeavour-
ing to induce" a horse consisted of "kicking it in the stomach several
times in a most brutal manner; and it also appeared that William had
innocently confounded a "long light whip "with a "thick short carter's
whip," which had led to his quite inadvertently producing the wrong
whip in court (and. as we presume, while on his oath).
Mr. Barstow did not believe or encourage William, and, as he "did
not wish to discourage persons from interfering when they witnessed
brutality to animals," dismissed the summons.
And we venture to hope that William Royal, builder, of Risinghill
Street, Clerkenwell, will feel the effects of the assault-or chastisement
rather-for a long time to come, and bear the marks of his cut eye, that
the people may recognize a cowardly ruffian and pass by on the other
side-except when William happens to be endeavouring to induce,"
when they will do well to cross over as Richard Fryer did.
"The CLEAN Black Lead."
J AMES' GOLD MEDAL
for Excellence of
Cleanliness in use. L E
BEWAEE of Worthless Imitations.
Laws or Libel.
THE drunken sailor in a row
Who takes the leather from his waist,
And lashes with it anyhow,
By laws will be in durance placed.
But Lawes, for taking off the-Belt,
Has greater consequences felt.
"THE London Cottage Mission is the admirable charity that pro-
vides the Irish Stew Dinner every Wednesday in winter for hundreds
upon hundreds of waifs and strays at the East-end of London, sends
dinners to the sick poor at their own homes, and in other ways comforts
the people. It is urgently in need of funds, and contributions (let them
be liberal) will be thankfully received and acknowledged by Miss Napton,
304 Burdett Road, Limehouse, E.; or Mr. Walter Austin, 44 Finsbury
Pavement, E.C. In order that these hungry mouths may once a week
have a good "tuck in," it is desirable and necessary that the benevolent
should at once "fork out."
A DRY AFTER THE FAIR. -A former ruler of Algiers stalking
beauties for his harem.
Have met with general approbation. Write as smoothly as a
lead pencil, an neither scratch nor spnurt, the points being
rounded byanew process Sx Prite Medalsmawaded. Assorted
SampleBox,6d.;pos"r-free,7stamptto the Woy, t s,gimikam.
.Cocoa thickens in the
cup, t proves the ad- R E N
I PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING III
London: Printed by Dalriel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 3rd, z883.
JANUARY 10, 1833. FU N II
Old Songs Reset.
AIR-" The Bridge."
I STOOD on the bridge at twilight
When a man was lighting the lamps,
And remembered I'd posted letters,
And forgot to put on the stamps.
And I thought that if Messrs. Tomkins
Found out what I 'd done that day,
I should get a confounded wigging,
And be probably turned away.
And the stars came out in the heavens,
And the.trains went by on the rails,
And the lights by the flowing river
Were twinkling twixtt passing sails.
But with care was my evening shaded,
And I trembled with fear and dread,
And I thought of a sad to-morrow,
And I wished that I was in bed.
And my brain was hot and aching,
And my eyes had a stony stare,
For I'd taken more Bass's bitter
Than my head had been made to bear !
But the care had all fallen from me
In the dawn of another day,
And only the fear of Tomkins
Prevented my being gay.
But he never found out my error-
And I got in no jolly row-
And merrily snap my fingers,
Nor care if he knows it now I
Yet whenever I cross the river
On the bridge where I stood that night,
I remember the unstamped letters-
And the beer-and my aching fright.
And for ever and for ever,
As long as the river flows,
Whenever I'm drinking "bitter,"
Or taking unnumbered "goes,"
That night and its sad reflection
And its sorrows and griefs appear
To be stamped-as were not the letters-
With the trade-mark of Bass's beer.
The Royal Academy.
THE Royal Academy has this year opened
its Winter Exhibition of Pictures by the Old
Masters, &c., with two peculiar features. Over
and above its rich and varied collection by
many of the most admired and honoured of the
ancients, it has the works of two distinctly
different geniuses among the moderns, whose
aspirations may have been inherently akin,
but whose inspirations seem to have sprung
from opposite sources, whose methods lay wide
apart, and whose results display a great dis-
The collection of the works of the late Dante
Rossetti shows great power of imagination,
tenderness of thought, feeling, and delicacy
of workmanship ; but, while there is abundance
to admire, it is doubtful if there is much to
follow, or if the artist's repute as an artist will
be enhanced by his works being brought to-
gether, though the public are enabled to see
what an artist he was. On the other hand,
the collection of Linnel's, for keen insight into
nature, powerful execution, and wonderful ac-
complishment, forms a brilliant display-a
delight to all beholders, and to the student of
Nature and Art an education and bright ex-
ample. The Royal Academy should long ere
now have enriched their list of members by
enrolling the name of this gifted and honoured
artist. Is it too late ?
AN entomologist would do well to go on
the stage' now and again. He is sure to find
there "flies and "wings."
A (W)RAP FOR HIM.
Heavy Swel.-"I DON'T SEE ANYTHING IN WINTER TO BE AFWAID OF, MISS MON-
TAGUE, IF ONE WAPS UP WELL."
Young Lady (who owes him one).-" SOME PERSONS DON'T WAIT TILL THE WINTER
FOR THAT, MR. SWELLTON. THEY ARE WRAPPED UP ALL THE YEAR ROUND-IN
THEMSELVES I" [And he did not seem to go into (w)raptures over it.
A Cruel Savage.
MR. GEORGE PUDNEY having removed the skin of a sheep while the unfortunate animal was
still alive, subsequently had a short interview with the Maldon Bench, the said interview resulting
in the removal of George from the society of his family for a period of twelve months ; his family
probably will be thankful for this arrangement on the part of the Bench. We much regret that
the law does not allow of a portion of Pudney's skin being removed (while he is still alive) by the
aid of the cat. The perpetrator of such fiendish brutality will no doubt feel bound to perform
some act of barbarism during his sojourn in prison (just to keep his hand in) which may procure
him a sound flogging, in which case we trust any warder who should operate on George will not
forget the sheep villany.
VOL, XNXVII.-NO. 923.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
T is with a feeling
E Gof something
-. .satisfaction that
the humble no-
.ticer is enabled
to record a dis-
e t tinct and solid
success for Mr.
Wills and Mrs.
in ane Eyre at
the Globe. The
play is built
S lines, finishes
Vet- 'wi at exactly the
S right moment
a and in the right
) manner, and the
S' two principal
.a .. suc elacharacters are
as fresh on stage
THE GLOrs.-THE febANI-ACTRESS. now as they
were forty years
ago in the pages of the novel. Upon Mrs. Bernard.Be. re, who improves
visibly with every character she touches, and
who here proves herself a skilful and appre-
ciative exponent alike of passages of demure .. .
satire, tender comedy, and mental distress,
and upon Mr. Kelly, whose style (although
he occasionally speaks in too low a tone) is
exactly suited to the part, the principal
weight falls. They are ably supported by
Miss Kate Bishop. Miss Carlotta Leclercq,
and a clever child, Miss Clemence Colle; but
Miss D'Almaine, as the mad wife, must be
credited with making the sensation of the
evening. Her laugh was blood-curdling
enough for anything, though neither her de-
meanour nor the incident were over-elabo- i,
rated in the least.
It seems almost a pity (and quite a waste ,,
of time) to have redecorated the Connaught "
Theatre with such elaborate tastefulness, and
to have taken the trouble to re-name it the
Alcazar, only to present so feeble a production
as Cinderella. Nor is the feebleness of the .
piece, for which Mr. Frank Hall is respon-
sible (but which is harmless enoughin itself), THE StaREv.-THE COMELY N1
much improved by the importation of a quan- COME!) AND THE SAILOR-M IL
tity of antediluvian vulgarity at the hands of
some of the male performers. A pantomime, moreover, in which the
selection of me-
lodies is ex-
dances e x-
i N-W tion scene ex-
I lous, is scarcely
worthy the flou-
fish of trumpets
I with which this
I I one was an-.
J nounced. There
I I.LII would appear to
be a sort of
tine idea on the
part of the ma-.
nagement of ri-
valling or step-
ping into the
shoes of the late
THE SURREv--A GOOD LINE OF BUSINESS. Alhambra (evi.
denced in some
little matters, such as the decorations, costumes of the attendants, &c,).
J1NUARV 10, 1883-
This has the one good effect of causing the balle's to be very good, and
dancer, Mille. 1
Delfina Zauli, -
and her satel-
lites, Miles. "_L /
Clara Gerrish J' f
and Rose Hem-
able grace and .. ,
skill. Nothing i i
can be said of III 1iI
the performers i s
in such a piece
except that it is I i
a pitiful sight to _-_
see such a clever
actor as Mr.
Shiel Barry so
"Enough for THE SURREY.-FUNEREAL AND BERY'-L.
your money," if
the expression of a som what low form of satisfaction is a least that of a
substantial one, and when excellent quality
pervades ample supply, what more can the
notice or the public desire ? There is pro.
bably as much talent of various kinds in the
Surrey pantomime, Puss in Boots, as could
/ 1/ manage to squeeze its way in without damage.
S/ Mr. George Conquest is a past-master in the
.II art of pantomime production, and his latest
effort fully sustains his credit. The company
3. is a strong one, and the piece (albeit not too
coherent in story) is brightly written, while
Sii ithe ''gags and wheezes possess for the
most part the rather unusual merit of humour.
I Mr. Harry Monkhouse's performance of "the
Wid ow" merits something more than mere
recognition as a clever piece of acting, there
is a quiet thoroughness and a refinement about
it which raise a familiar kind of part to the
dignity of the best art, and that without sac-
rifice of either humour or success ; in fact, in
this character Mr. Monkhouse manages to
combine the parts of lady and gentleman.
Mr. Victor Stevens is as remarkably comic as
he is remarkably supple; Miss Sara Beryl is
IDOW (REMINDS YOU OF WIDDI. very bright and pleasant; and the Misses
LER OR MILLERTARRY GENT. Lizzie and Harriet Claremont defy each other
with spirit, and dance with grace and a good
deal of originality. Terpsichorean originality, indeed, is the striking
point of the I
every kind of
dancing, from a
the neat and
graceful (in pink
tights) to the
vigorous and ac-
robatic (in black
tights), is placed il
before us with b1
able step in suc-
wild and impos-
(among the rest)
as those of the
with a precision
and finish which
increase the HER MAJESTV'S.-POL1TE OPPOSITION AND RUDE (D)wARF
marvel, and ARE (HYMEN ENJOYING IMSiELF HYMENSELY AT BACK).
prove the human frame (some people's human frame) capable of enduring
JANUARY 10, 1883. F UJIN 13
and exhibiting more comical violence than the human mind
(other people's human mind) is quite prepared for. To this is
added the brisk and ready pantomimic feats of the Albert-Ed-
munds Troupe, the steady humour of Mr. Cruickshanks, the
glittering glory of the assembly of the Seven Champions and
review of troops, the wonderfully precocious dancing of the
child Baby Cousens, the clever scenery of Mr. Gwilt Jolley-
one scene (the third) is a lovely bit of colour, though merely
a front scene-and a pervading air of heartiness, which make
the Surrey pantomime as enjoyable a one as ever I wish to see.
Mr. Robert Reece, who appears lately to have given himself
up somewhat to the resuscitation of elderly Joe Millers, and Mr.
Alfred Thompson, who at one time was famous for pieces whose
distinctive quality was "linked dullness long drawn out,"
have collaborated upon a piece in which each has allowed his
particular fancy full play, and named the result The Yellow
Dwarf The Pandora Theatre, for which it was designed,
not being ready for the public, the piece was produced at Her
Majesty's, where it was proved to be no more ready than its
destined home. There were several hitches in the scenery,
traps didn't come up to the scratch, and the kettle refused to
boil promptly for the great steam curtain effect; the orchestra
was wildly out of time at almost every turn, and every actor
had to be his own leader: no wonder that amid all this
muddle little boys who played dogs lost their heads. In fact,
a management has no more right, morally, to present a piece
in the condition this was presented than a baker has to sell
you a lump of dough and call it a loaf! The thing will un-
doubtedly be a success of no ordinary dimensions, from which
the spectacle of a comic singer in petticoats will probably mili-
tate little. The mise-en-scene is very magnificent, the costumes
(in the designing of which Mr. Thompson is simply without
rival) are brilliant, original, and daring, and the scenery beau-
tiful without garishness. The ballets are of the finest order-
the Doll Quadrille, led by Mlle. Rosa (of JEsthetic Quadrille
fame) irresistibly funny-and the two elephants clever enough
to attract for a long time. There are several good performers
engaged, but having in remembrance the many "waits" and
stoppages on the first night, it is not easy to gauge their
merits in the present instance : although Master Charlie Ross
danced, Mr. Girardot made up, Miss Marie Lindon acted, and
Madame Olga Morini sang well, while Miss Emma Chambers
(who wore a wreath of roses and a big hat) was very lively.
THE ORDER OF THE BATH.-Well, it all depends, of
course, on what the bath is, but one almost invariable order
is-bath before breakfast.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND THE MISSING LINK..
GENI LEMEN," said Mr. Farini in his well-known and distinct accents,
as he toyed with his massive watch-chain, "allow me to introduce to you
the 'Missing Link.'"
"Oh I that 's the Missing Link, is it ? I asked, stepping to the front
and feeling that the eyes of my brother press-men were upon me.
"Yes, sir," returned Mr. Farini-somewhat defiantly, I thought---"it
is I Have you any reason to doubt it ?"
Oh, dear, no I said I; "but I came here hoping the Missing Link
advertised by you would turn out to be my mislaid solitaire."
Several of the younger press-men, not experienced enough to choke
their natural feelings, laughed heartily. And, thus encouraged, I went
on. And, now I come to think of it, your Missing Link is rather
'solitairey,' is she not, Mr. Farini ?-she is alone, I mean."
"Quite so," returned the eminent showman, proceeding to score, so
to speak, off my bat; she's a loan (carrying much interest too, if you
must know) from the King of Siam himself, to whom I am to return her
in due course."
The journalists all laughed at this quip, but the sycophantic guffaw
only nerved me to further effort.
"When I said your Missing Link was alone, Mr. Farini," I went on,
"I meant to imply that her hairy parents had not accompanied her."
"That is so,' was the showman's reply.
"Which is a pity," I returned, with smart promptitude, "for in
proving her to be a human monkey, the presence of her pa or ma would
give an ape-parent' consistency to the story it n sw lacks.'
Mr. Farini made no attempt to trump this card,- but waving me back,
recommended his narrative. "Miss Krao, as we: call her," he began,
"is a native of Laos," and before he could contim ie, my mind, with that
Extra-Special activity never more developed titan at private views,
was evolving the verse
Boy.-" PLEASE, CAN YER LET MOTHER 'AVE A COUPLE O' DIPS AND
A BUNDLE 0' WOOD?"
Shopkeeper.-"I DON'T KNOW. Is YOUR FATHER GOT ANYTHING TO
Boy.-"SNo; BUT MOTHER'S GOT PLENTY TO DO-TO KEEP FATHER
There was a girl-monkey of Laos,
Whose mind must just now be a chaos,
And whose head of black hair
Is as thick, I declare,,.
As the mane of a Bass and Co. s dray oss I
When I had whispered these lines to a few neighboring press-men by
way of securing my copyright, I listened again to Mr. Farini and his
wonderful facts about Krao's tendency to keep food pouched in her
cheeks, her ability to bend her fingers back, and her possessing a rudi-
mentary tail, until I could not prevent myself from interrupting him
again. "The presence of the rudimentary tail being assured, Mr.
Farini," I observed, "I need scarcely ask you whether yonder little
garment" (and I pointed to Krao's tunic as I spoke) "is a tail-or made
one? Of course it is."
This was too much for a jealous literary rival of mine, who cried,
"Turn him out I" an abortive cry, however, which merely gave me a
chance to retort Yah I it you can turn out anything half so amusing it
will be a good thing for your readers."
Come, come I" said Mr. Farini, turning to me; were the late Mr.
Darwin here you would be more serious."
Ah, yes I" I answered gravely, going up to the platform and care-
fully inspecting Miss Krao's back hair-which, true to its name, is all
over her back-" you allude to the author of the 'Origin of Species,'
do you not?"
I do, indeed," returned the showman, with a sympathetic tear. "It
is my most favourite volume."'
Stay, Farini I" I cried; here is a book of nature you will get to
like still better." And" I put my hand on Krao's hairy head. "The
' Origin of Species' is all very well, but surely this Origin of Specie'
here, as no doubt it will prove, will be productive of even greater interest."
And with this parting quip, Sir, I majestically withdrew, followed by
the envious cries of my outdistanced rivals.
14 FUN. JANUARY O10, 1883.
THE WATER TORTURE.
The London Water Consumier said, said he, I will not bear it any longer. Doctor Frani land shall not burst in at the end of the month, afler I ve had my drink
of water, and maliciously inform me that it was turbid, and unfit for drinking, and held a large amount of matter in suspension." So he locked the door knowingly,
and sat down to enjoy the drink he loved, unharrowed by fears of future horrible revelations.
l 1 .1 S S P'. m "
But p st reports would haunt his mind-he wrestled with them-the
thought came into his bosom. Dr. Frankland shall come in
At he end of the monhDr. F. did come in. The water during the pa,t moth," said he, "has been particularly free from impurities of all kinds The grin
was with the Doctor as usual.
SFUT N .-JANUARY 10, 1883.
BALANCING HIS BOOKS.
CHILDERS' FIRST PERFORMANCE ON THE BEER-BARREL.
BALANCING HIS BOOKS.
EXCHEQUER S a word by which is meant
The office to which each tax is sent;
Of money it gets a splendid hoard,
And I am that Exchequer's lord.
The constitutional guardian I
Of revenue paid to the Treasury,
And thoroughly nice that revenue looks
When I proceed to balance the books,
A pleasant occupation for
A rather statistical Chancellor !
But though the duty thus implied
May fairly give a Minister pride,
It nevertheless can't be denied
That it has its inconvenient side.
For I 'm not so blind to the charms of wealth,
And I like to be liberal whilst I've health;
But there'd be the deuce to pay were I rash
Enough to bolt off with the nation's cash!
Which rather tries my temper, for
I 'm such a statistical Chancellor !
And now at these horrid accounts I frown
As I cast them up, for they will come down,
And when the totals thus alight,
I'm staggered to find they've not come right;
For though my estimates are free,
And though the columns should agree,
Still two and two make four, you see,
And somehow or other they won't make three !
Which is exasperating for
A highly statistical Chancellor I
JANUARY 10, 1883. FUN. 17
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NEW SERIES. No. 28.-A SONG OF SECRECY.
AIR-From The Yellow Dwarf."
THEY say that Fitzgerald the gunner was-(whisper)
There's no doubt of it!
And the Court has awarded that he shall be-(whisper)
He 's well out of it !
Sir Archibald's autobiography seems-(whisper)
There's no doubt of it I
And several folks have corrected the-(whisper)
We're well out of it.
Search we around with an eye telescopical
Zones that are frigid and zones that are tropical,
Bent upon finding out anything topical,
Tust to include in our neat philanthropical
Typical topical song.
There's some one in Bradford who ought to be- (whisper)
There's no doubt of it I
When people keep chimneys like that they should-(whisber)
They'll get out of it I
The floods on the Continent seem to be- whisperr)
There's no doubt of it !
They 're pretty well certain to send round the-(whisper)
We'll get out of it I
Sharp as a needle and quickly down-dropical
On to the wicked, the silly, and foppical,
Watch we the course of things kaleidoscopical,
Bent on including them all in our topical
Typical topical song.
^ lihY l WH. WH ITE, rT t UI NuM E -
S CAT HER IN E- STREEr ASTOI W _
W 11 1 [11-1 \_ _
A party at Aston named White has been- (whisper)
There 's no doubt of it !
He 'd pot putrid horse, and half poison the-(whisper)
He's well out of it I
We see Mr. Gladstone is seventy-(whisper)
There's do doubt of it 1
We sent him a post-card expressive of-(whisper)
Let's all shout of it I
Thus with a glance that's all-over-the-shop-ical,
Sausage and bitter, or tater and chop-ical,
Not in the slightest degree misanthropical,
Searching for matter for filling our topical
Typical topical song.
The doorstep of Nebuchadnezzar is-(whisper)
There's no doubt of it I
And husbands now find their wife's property-(whisper)
They're quite out of it I
The Malt-tax is short, and the "armies they- (whisper)
There's no doubt of it I
The tutor at Sheffield's "turned up," and we think-(whisper)
He's well out of it I
Down on events with a hammer cyclopical,
(So that we're able to dub them anthropical),
Come we on big things, or things microscopical,
Dragging them, neck and crop, into our topical
Typical topical song.
ANOTHER DEMONIAC PLOT.
DISGRACEFUL TRIUMPH OF THE F- PARTY.
ONE by one, and in the darkness, they stole to the appointed rendez-
vous; the silence was barely broken by the passing of the mystic watch-
word Four within Four "
"It has failed 1" whispered No. I, hoarsely.
"He hasn't turned a hair I" whispered No. 2.
"Drive him out of it-oh, ah I whispered No. 3.
"Old boy 's a leetle too tough !" whispered No. 4.
"Must try a new plan I" whispered all the four together.
Then they communed feverishly, and with bated breath, for a time.
"Good I" they exclaimed. And each bought a new despatch-box, and
left it in the lobby. Unconsciously and abstractedly the victim collected
all the despatch-boxes under his arm and carried them off to his seat in
the House. Then uprose the four conspirators and shouted across the
table for their despatch-boxes.
Again they met in the darkness.
"Sold again !" whispered No. I.
"Handed 'em over with a bland smile I whispered No. 2.
"Wasn't a bit confused I" whispered No. 3.
"Rather enjoyed it than otherwise !" whispered No. 4,
"Let's think of another scheme I whispered all of them. And they
communed again for a few anxious moments.
Good they exclaimed in a breath. A noble scheme I Success
awaits us He is doomed !"
It was a most important sitting. Everything hung upon the presence
of the Premier, but the Premier did not come down.
The Liberal Whips were wild with anxiety, as they galloped madly,
on foam-covered steeds, between the House and Downing Street. Sir
William Harcourt tore his hair. Mr. Chamberlain clutched at his shirt.
front. Sir Charles hysterically scanned the horizon from the lightning.
conductor at the summit of the clock tower.
"Is he coming ?" he shouted to a mud-bespattered Whip, who dashed
clattering into the yard below.
No, he can't find it anywhere 1" panted the Whip ; "and yet he's
sure the laundress sent it home all right."
"Can't you persuade him to come without it-just this once? cried
the Cabinet in a confused and eager chorus.
But the jaded Whip only laughed a laugh of despairing ridicule.
"No-we knew it I said the Cabinet in a hollow voice; "he'd die
first Stay !-have you been round to the laundress? "
"Three times," replied the Whip ; "and she knows she sent it home,
because she got it up extra glossy, and sent the cart a-purpose."
The Cabinet caught at the last slender straw. Have you tried to
get another like it at the hosier's? they said faintly.
The Whip's laugh was even more mocking than before. Get another
like it!!!" he repeated with intense scorn, as his wild cachinnation
reverberated through the trembling ether.
The Cabinet gave it up, and collapsed. The day was lost. The Fourth
Party had stolen the Premier's col.'ar !
What's your Game ?
A CONTEMPORARY states that extensive game preservation has long
been the curse of Suffolk, not only to the detriment of the more manly
field sports, but also to the agricultural interest. Such a choking of the
soil in that county might be called Suffolk-ation.
IS F UN
JANUARY 10, 1883.
THE WILDEST PANTOMIME OF 'EM ALL.
CITYGENTO, WESTENDERO, BOBBIPEELERO, CABBIE, and other dutiful
subjects of KING LONDONANDWESTMINSTER, discovered.
ALL. Now to our daily tasks each sense we bring
To swell the glory of our worthy King,
His fame for busy bustle to sustain,
And keep him chief among the urban train.
CITYGENTO. To crowded Lombard Street I make my way,
There to extend our King's commercial sway.
WESTENDERO. I to Pall Mall to stroll at easy pace,
And point our King's repute for dressy grace.
BOBBIPEELERO. To keep sweet order in his kingdom's bounds,
At two good miles an hour I go my rounds.
CABBIO. To keep our monarch famous for his blocks,
And swell the rattle, now I mount my box.
Scene changes to the Dismal Cavern of the DEMON MUDDLE, the malig-
7nant foe of KING LONDONANDWESTMINSTER.
MUDDLE. Ho I ho I the time has come, yon upstart King
Londonandwestminster shall feel my sting !
But first-appear, ye gnomes of my creation,
My faithful demons, for a consultation !
,' ,' -
Gong. The Assistant VBSTRYMEN DEMONS, SUPINO, NEGLECTIT,
ALLTALKUS, LETITGO, LAUGHATIT, BLINDASBATS, 6&c., &'c.,
suddenly appear out of the fog.
Welcome, good fellows When there 's work to do
After my heart, I can depend on you.
[VESTRY DEMONS joyfully assent.
No one with any useful work in hand
Would look for aid from your enlightened band.
[The VESTRY DEMONS joyfully acknowledge the compliment.
This task, however, you will find seductive,
'T is irritating- [VESTRY DEMONS grin joyfully.
Foolish- [VESTRY DEMONS clap their hands.
Mean- [VESTRY DEMONS jump for joy,
[VESTRY DEMONS caper frantically with delight.
I have suborned the clerk who keeps the weather
To aid, and he and we shall work together ;
With him I have contracted, I'll explain,
For moderate supplies of snow and rain
(With large amounts he'll have no need to bore you,
An inch or so is quite enough to floor you),
Then, when the town's one vast morass or puddle,
You will, as is your wont, commence to muddle.
[VESTRY DEMONS joyfully promise obedience.
When mud lies ankle-deep you won't perceive it,
And when the snow blockades the roads you'll leave it;
(You'll do this well, the task befits a dunce):
Then stops our foeman's traffic all at once !
And life pursues no more its wonted groove,
And commerce dies, for not a soul can move.
Then when the King is in his greatest straits,
You'll add another twopence to the rates !
[ The DEMON OF MUDDLE strikes a gong, and the Clerk of the Weather,
descending from the flies, scatters snow, while the VESTRY DEMONS,
chuckling, busily set about their task of sitting and smiling at it.
Cloth draws up and discovers the virtuous subjects of KING LONDON-
ANDWESTMINSTER stuck fast. Triumph of the DEMON MUDDLE,
and red fire.
FUN'S CONDENSED LIBRARY; OR, FIVE
IN a spacious room on the first floor of a City tavern three young men
were engaged in striking a number of red balls along a green baize-
covered table. Their conversation was interrupted by the appearance
of a shock head of hair through the swing-door of the apartment. The
three young gentlemen above mentioned ceased for a moment their
operations, and, winking at each other, invited the stranger to enter,
with the assurance that they were chained down and should not eat him.
A strong odour of fustian pervaded the room as the visitor's hobnailed
boots resounded across the floor. If you please, a wish to see they
peramids as it say outside are inside, and if so be it's ony a matter of a
penny or toopence extry, a'd like to see the pool as well like." The
trio explained that pyramids and pool were games, not shows, and in no
way connected with the Eastern expedition. Would the gentleman like
to join? It simply consisted in striking a ball with a stick called a cue
(no, you needn't go to Putney to get one). If that ball struck another
into the pockets, the rest of the company "shelled out," i.e., paid six-
pence each to the striker. Well, a 've got a matter o' tree hours afore
a go to Liverpule Street," said the new arrival, who announced himself
as James Juggins, of Mangold Wurzel, Suffolk; "so a don't mind
trying ma look; it dew seem easy like, don't it ?" Fifteen balls were
set on the table in a triangle, and as fourteen of these balls were shot
down into the various pockets, James "shelled out" his sixpence, re-
marking on the monotony of the proceedings. By what seemed' an ex-
traordinary fluke, however, the last ball, a shilling one, fell to his share.
"Yes, it is rather monotonous playing for tizzies," remarked Charley
Chickaleary; "suppose we make it half a crown a ball ? What do you
say, Mr. Juggins ? Now, Messrs. John Flycove and Samuel Scorcher
had been plentifully plying Mr. Juggins with cold threes, so that his
willingness to play for "a crown a ball, if you likee" caused little as-
tonishment. Ultimately, five shillings a ball was agreed upon, and the
game commenced. "Will you break the balls, Mr. Juggins ?" asked
Scorcher. "What do yow want 'em bruk for? A 'll hev to boy new
'uns, a reckon, ef a dew." "We mean take first shot : you're number
one," was the reply. Mr. Juggins' ball flew up the table as from a
catapult, the pyramid split in all directions, two balls flying into the
pockets, while a third hovered for a moment, then sank into the top.
"Shell out three," called out Mr. Juggins; then, as with a remarkable
aim for a novice he cut down another-" four "-and neatly doubling a
fifth into the middle, left the white close under the top cushion, and
waited on his companions for five and twenty shillings each. Mr.
Chickaleary's remark, that such a blooming fluke was enough to knock
anybody off their perch," must have had some foundation, for no one
scored until Mr. Juggins ran his second cue, when six more balls went
down as rockets go up. The third time only one ball testified the Juggins'
prowess ; but on Mr. Scorcher being requested to part, he declared him-
self "broke," and expressed his conviction of the existence of a plant.
"Dew yew mean a cabbage plant?" asked Juggins. "No, not such a
green 'un as that," replied Chickaleary. I mean that I shan't pay."
Mr. Juggins dropped his cue and his accent simultaneously, and declaring
his intention of paying if not paid, and of dotting each and all of his
companions. At this juncture the marker entered, whereupon Mr.
Scorcher inquired who and what the new-comer was. "Why, that's
Billy Boko, more generally known as the Fair 'Ot 'Un. What is he ?
Well, at night he picks up what he can on the green table, but his re-
gular purfession is the noble hart of self-defence. He 's a warm 'un to
take on at any game on the board, but if he's better at one thing than
another, I think it's punching." The three parted with their crowns
and Mr. James Juggins.
"Shameful Barbarities on the Thames Embankment."
So the public have been warned by "E. K.," in the Pall Mall Ga-
zette, of the "shameful barbarities which are shortly to be perpetrated
on the Thames Embankment by the District Railway." E. K." has
growled freely at the "red brick barbarism" built by the Metropolitan
Board of Works, and the Pall Mall correspondent has also uttered the
wail of Where are Mr. Ruskin and his followers? Now we com-
plain of far more important "shameful barbarities" than those alluded
to by the somewhat dictatorial E. K,," that have been perpetrated on
the Embankment, and seem likely to continue to be perpetrated, viz.,
the shameful barbarities of the London roughs. Our wail is, "Where
are the police ? We would rather meet one policeman than Ruskin and
twenty of his followers on the Thames Embankment after dusk.
THE Tories are well advised in adopting the Hon. C. Strutt as their
new candidate for East Essex. Even a walk-over would be an imposing
affair if associated with a Strutt."
JANUARY 10, 1883.
The Cup I The Cup I!
MANY a weary mother, many a waiting wife, many a hard-working
woman have their anxieties relieved, their labour lightened, their energies
renewed, by a.cup of good tea. Many an afternoon gathering, many an
evening party, many a conversazione have their moments of pleasure
cheered, enlivened, and enhanced by a cup of good genuine tea, such as
Ellis Davies and Co.'s. Rich and poor alike prefer it. A present of
a few pounds at this season would be to many a boon and a blessing.
"Not Quite the Same."
AN inebriate, with a desire to "shuffle off this mortal coil," tried to
drown himself at Carshalton recently. A constable has saved him from
a "watery grave "-at least, Mr. Edridge, of the Croydon Petty Ses-
sions, says so. We should suggest a "gin and watery grave," Mr.
Edridge, with all due deference.
"IT is stated that the envoy from Abdurrahman, who lately arrived
at Meshed, has demanded the extradition of Ahmed Khan, formerly
Governor of Lash, who, aided by the Ameer of Kaeen--" We al-
ways thought that these furrin governors were awful chaps to be ruled
by, and here it is in black and white, and no disguise about it; or at
any rate about the "Governor of Lash," though the other gentleman
has had the decency to veil his title under the very thin disguise of mis-
WILLIAM COOPER has been sentenced to four months' hard for trying
to steal the watch of one Frank Juniper in a public house. Beer and
gin in this case evidently did not mix well or in a satisfactory manner.
Born April 3rd, 1838. Died December 31s, 1882.
THE year was drawing near its destined end,
Preparing to depart from earth for aye,
And at that hour Gambetta, Freedom's friend,
In agony and suffering passed away.
Of humble origin, he rose to fame
As one who laboured for his country's weal,
And gained throughout the world that honoured name-
A "patriot" to his nation ever leal.
Ay, earnestly he loved his native land,
And helped her in her hour of direst woe,
Inciting her to make one last brave stand
Against the forces of her powerful foe.
His fiery eloquence all hearers thrilled,
And like a magnet drew the people on;
In that beclouded time with hope he filled
His drooping nation, when all hope seemed gone.
In Freedom's name the Emperor he'd defied,
But when the war-fiend on his nation preyed,
He, though he hated Empire, set aside
Hostility awhile, and lent firm aid.
His ringing voice was as a magic spell,
His words impassioned, full of earnest fire;
The attention e'en of foes he would compel-
His wondrous gifts they could not but admire.
His sympathies were broad, his nature kind,
His patriotism rooted and sincere,
And France will miss the clear and vigorous mind
Of him who ever held her interests dear.
Alas I thus prematurely death has checked
A bright career that gained renown world-wide;
He leaves a blank, for who can now direct
The great Republic which was e'er his pride ?
Maybe he had his errors-who has not ?
What man is perfect in his duty here ?-
But all his faults by France will be forgot,
She will his memory earnestly revere.
Each day, each hour, of his brief, brilliant life
Were spent for France-shall she forget his name ?
Ah, no I Above the din of party strife
Will ring the praises of Gambetta's fame.
"Art Stationery" (The Artistic Stationery Company).-The samples
before us of the varied productions of this company bear an unmistakable
stamp of superiority.
Tales of Modern Oxford," by the Author of ", Lays of Modern Ox.
ford (T. Fisher Unwin), is full of pleasing and amusing reminiscences
of college life among the Dark Blues."
"The Handbook of Palmistry," by Rosa Baughan (George Redway),
is a very interesting and instructive brochure on this old-world subject,
and seems to be one of a series on matters equally curious and equally
"Sixes and Sevens," by J. E. Weatherly, illustrated by Jane M.
Dealy (Hildesheimer and Faulkner).-We may fairly call this a beauti-
ful book; it is entirely after the plan and purpose of the "Under the
Window" and Afternoon Tea" books, and will stand well with any of
its class. The delicate beauty of the illustrations by Jane M. Dealy will
give hourly pleasure, and the sweet simplicity of the verse is fine-
Weatherly. There is a harmony throughout its pages, and nothing about
the book but its title is at Sixes and Sevens."
"The Pembroke Polka," composed by James Helsbey (J. Brown), is
bright, sparkling, and lively enough to become a marked favourite.
"The Year Book of Photography, and Photographic News Almanac"
(Piper and Carter).-From beginning to end this book is full of informa-
tion on the subject to which it is devoted. Its purposes, capabilities,
and appliances are of the greatest interest and value to all who devote
themselves to the art.
"Whitaker's Almanac" is as copious and comprehensive as ever,
"only more so," for where improvement or enlargement has been pos-
sible, it has been effected.
W To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case 'will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
DRIVEN TO EXTREMITIES.
Chailes.-" OH I HE WON'T GO, MASTER PERCY, WON'T HE?"
Master Percy.-" No, HE'S AWFULLY STUBBORN, CHARLES, AND I'M
AFRAID I SHALL NEVER GET TO THE MEET AT BLINDMAN'S GATE IN
TIME. PAPA HAS DRIVEN OVER THERE, YOU KNOW."
Charles.-" THEN' I WAR'NT THAT'S THE CAUSE OF IT, MASTER
PERCY. THIS YER HARTFUL ANIMUL O' YOURN EXPECTS TO BE DRIVEN
OVER THERE TOO I WELL "-(eagerly)-"SUPPOSE I SEE WHAT I CAN
DO WI' THIS YER FORK, EH, MASTER PERCY ? [Left driving him over.
20 FUN. JANUARY 10, ,883
|.0w m.mnun.inw *.w ,......
"EXCELLENTES! VOS INDICATIONS PIERRE, MAIS TRIES TECHNIQUES."
Pierre.-"LA JOLIE ANGLAISE CHARMANTE, ADOLPHE, REGARD YOU. EN V9RITE IT IS LE SENTIMENT; SHE IS ONE GOOD FLIRT.
SEE BY THE 'SPOONS' WIS SHE, THEY HAVE NEGLECT HALF THE PIGEONS X LA CRAPAUDINE; SEE NOW, AGAIN, WE EAT THOSE
PRESENTLY, WHICH IS GOOD FOR US; ALSO BY THE 'SPOONS' THEY PARTAKE OF CHAMPAGNE AT THREE SHELLING AND SIXPENCE
THE BOTTEL; FOR THAT THEY WILL PAY FEFTEEN SHELLINGS, WHICH IS GOOD FOR THE PROPRIETOR."
Adolphe alias Smith.-" OH! WHAT A DAY THEY ARE A-'AVIN' I"
On that Lay? or I "An Offer Refused."
MR. LALOR, M.P., it seems, has been saying in Ireland that he al- THAT was a very kindly offer on the part of the gentleman charged
ways liked "to be surrounded by fighting men," and that the youth of before Mr. Cooke with assault recently. The prisoner observed to the
Ireland knew the day must come when they would have to use that sort worthy magistrate, I am John the Baptist, and I will baptize you if
of force which every other country that obtained its freedom was obliged you come outside." However, the magistrate declined the proposition
to have recourse to. with thanks, apparently neither caring for a walk or a wet. John does
We fancy it is about time for the law to "lay" this Mr. Laylaw. not go outside for six weeks.
MR. PURKISS, of the Royal Music Hall, Holborn, has given the sum In the Name of the Prophet, Figs I
of 107 Ios. on account of a free benefit on behalf of the sufferers by SINCE Mr. Grant Duff, the Governor of Madras, came down upon
the late fire at the Alhambra. This will be a nice little purkissite for the Madras Times with such ill-advised severity, journalists in the Pre-
them. Hurrah for Mr. Purkiss, and may he never come to the sidency speak of his Excellency as Currant Duff," because, as they
workiss I explain, he is so unraisinable.
N GTOA SPECIAL NOTICE.-Irm, P aorB
B- Redltcti 6 in the price of Twngo. The
orrinal 416 size is now reduced to a, I
The great reputation gaihecl by Tonga
rink the last ti o years sufficipently tnesti-
FOR tis to its intrinsic value, and is fully re-
EU l L 10 A cogizced by the medical profession, as
evidenced y the habitual way in which
it is prescribed by leading men amongst
Them, both at home and abroad. The CAUTION. If
Lan-et, after devoting three long papers to remarkable cases of Neuralgia Cocoa thickens in the
cured by Tonga, recently wrote: "Tonga maintains its reputation in the thickens in t
treatment of Neurngia;" whilst the Mledical Press and Cirar speaks cup, it proves the ad-
of Tonga as Invaluable in Facial Neuralgia;" and adds, "It has proved edition of Sthreh
eftive in all tho ses in whichwe have prescribed it." Tonga may be Un O tarC.
obtained from all Chemists, and from the Sole Consignees and Manufac-
turers, ALLEN & HANBURYS, Plough Court, Lombard St., London. PURE!!! SOLUBLE !! REFRESHING IlI
London: Printed by Dalpiel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January ioth, 1883
JANUARY 17, 1883. U 21
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
THE COMING SEASON AND THE
SIR,-It is a long time (about four weeks)
since you heard from me. I have not wanted
any money for the last month. I suppose you
would like a word from me on the coming
season. For the principal of the earlier handi.
caps-as householders remark with sad despair
about Christmas-time-the waits are out, so
just run your eye down them and judge for
yourself, and I'll tell you afterwards if you
were right or wrong in your judgments. Mean-
MY TIP FOR THE SEASON.
Through all the winding ways of bets,
And all the varied dodges,
Amid the questionable sets
Where Have 'em always lodges
Through darksome days and dismal nights,
And weeks without a dinner,
Do all you can, you betting wights,
To get upon the winner.
Trust nobody of all the lot
(Except the good old Prophet),
And when you 've gone and made your pot
Let no one ease you of it.
When "on the bet" and minus "dust,"
Whate'er the sum, just bet it,
And if you lose, pay (if you must),
If win, why, see you get it.
I've not quite made up my mind about the
Waterloo Cup yet, but I '11 give you a word
about it next week or the following one. I
fancy the winner is somewhere within a Stone's
throw-anyway, I have in my eye a beautiful
dog which I expect to win in an extraordinarily
paradoxical way-without turning a hare I
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
Old Songs Reset.
AIR-" Oft in the still night."
OFT in the chilly night,
When surly coppers hound me,
Fond vision sees the light
Of dining-halls around me;
The soups and fish,
And many a dish,
The wines in crystal bottle;
And here am I
Left out to die,
With nought to clear my throttle.
Thus in the chilly night,
When surly coppers hound me,
Fond vision sees the light
Of dining-halls around me.
When I remember all
The feeds we had together,
When we kept up the ball
With heads as tough as leather,
I feel, alas !
I've been an ass,
To spend my latest penny
In joys that fly,
On hopes that die,
And done no good to any ;
Thus in the chilly night,
When surly "coppers" hound me,
Fond vision sees the light
Of dining-halls around me.
THE PROPER LANGUAGE FOR STORMY
Smith.-" WHY, JONES, YOU LOOK DOWN IN THE DUMPS THIS MORNING. WHAT 'S
THE MATTER ? "
7ones.-" WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I FELT VERY SEEDY WHEN I GOT UP, SO
I TOOK A COUPLE OF RUMS AND MILK JUST TO PULL ME TOGETHER. I'M AFRAID
THE MILK MUST HAVE BEEN IN ITS NATURAL STATE-UNADULTERATED, YOU KNOW
-AND NOT BEING USED TO THE FLUID LIKE THAT MAY ACCOUNT FOR MY FEELING
WORSE THAN BEFORE I TOOK IT."
MR. KLUGH, the secretary of the Dental Hospital, proposes to eventually pay all the expenses
of that valuable institution by collections of the tips of cigars which are cut off previous to being
smoked. It is calculated that these when ground into snuffwill produce a good sum annually.
The hospital seems to have acci-dentally found a Klugh that will be of service to it. These
"tips," unlike many in the racing world, will be sure to come off, for who will refuse, or rather
neglect, to thus help so deserving an institution? By the way, though, are the cigar-tips to be
reckoned in-cis-or weight ?
VOL. XXXVII.-NO, 923.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
F course Panto-
mime at out-
Ihas been un-
1 "this season) can-
not compete in
,, brilliancy with
1 .' *,* .fr "h '" "l there is gene-
,I, rally a certain
about the for-
S mer which is
S/ ery seasonable
SSome of my cri-
-- tical brethren
O9J give me to un-
SADLER S WEILS.-CRUSOE, HIS WARM MNIA, AND HIS PAR- OT. this is quite true
of the Britannia,
Pavilion pieces (which I have not seen), and Rolbinson Crusoe at
Sadler's Wells (which I have seen) is cer-
tainly a case in point. There is a want of ,
finish about the ballet dancing, and a want '
of washing about one or two of the costumes, '
but the principals are mostly up to their
work. Mr. Robson is a host in himself, and -
his Maude contains the humorous charac. :
teristics of a good comedian, and though the
introduction of the spirit-bottle is both a joke
in which there is not much intrinsic fun, and -
one of which most of us are growing tired as I
the centuries roll on, there are audiences that dI I
would feel lonely without it.
Mr. Giovanelli's Friday gives some Mon- ,
day-niable entertainment, and Mr. Stretton II,
shows both the Will(Atkins) and the way.
Notwithstanding an imitation of an American '-
"plantation song and dance (a species of I
entertainment which threatens to be as much I
" done to death" as the late ". esthetic Ii
craze), the individual dancing will compare .
favourably with some at more pretentious
houses; that of Miss Alice Rogers, who
impersonates Crusoe with considerable spirit, THE OLYMPIC.-VERNON Al
being especially lively, varied, and full of Ks
dan. A really good idea is the procession of children impersonating heroes
of Egypt, and
tion of the two
is effective, and
calls forth much
from the loyal
Forget me -
not, a play
which the com-
bined effects of
served to tide
over an ex-
plot, has reap.
Speared in Lon.
don, after an
THE OPERA CobIQUE.-MIIss AMALIA "CAN'T STAND THIS absence of
EDEN WITHOUT A MALE, YA !" SO GOES IN, AS A GERMAN about two years
WOULD SAY, FOR A JONGHIANS. and a half, at
JANUARY 17, 1883,
the Olympic. Miss Genevieve Ward still gives her wonderfully skilled
and powerful -
which has suf- J '"
ingly little from
its constant re- i
petition, and .
Mr. W. H. Ver- A
non's Sir Ho-
race is very
is a very pleas-
ing and sweet,
if not very I
strong, Alice '
is no "planta- "' .
tion song and '. ',
dance" in this -'
An Adamless .
Eden at the T'B IMPHRIAL.-MORE MANEY-ACTRESSES -I MEAN, MA-
OperaComique NIAC-TRESSES-THAT 15, MANY-HACK-TRESSrES, WHICHEVER
is a marked im- you LIKE.
provement upon the first piece presented by Miss Clay ; the dialogue is
.. decidedly pointed, although it has a little too
S| much of the character of a satirical and comic
paper, the songs rhythmic, the music tuneful,
and if it were adequately acted throughout
would no doubt be a very effective little piece.
Misses Emily Cross, Fanny HIowell, and
-- Cicely Richards are good, particularly in
their singing; and Miss Amalia's manner,
appearance, and dancing are very pleasing;
S'i" while Miss Jonghmans brings a good deal of
A /.i liveliness and observation to bear upon
,. the part of Peter the "Masher." The
S"Postman Ballet" is novel and funny. There
is a "plantation song and dance" in this
, ,- '
ND WARD, OR WARD TO THE
The pantomime at the Imperial is remark.
ably original in one respect: it follows the
story it pretends to unfold-Jack the Giant
Killer with something like faithfulness,
which, if pantomime is really intended for
children, would seem to be the principal de-
sideratum, though it is by no means generally
regarded as such. The production has other
claims to support in its bright costumes, songs,
and dances. Miss Marie Longmore is a
sprightly Jack, Mr. Sam Wilkinson a comical Mamma, Mr. Frome a
rocious Giant f I.FLAE I.1 CRITIC
Cormoran, and '., PA' iE "l'' CI T'iC/
Mr. T. F. Nye '- -
an almost too Y.- u' '
kindly -looking T.' o. 4
Giant Blunder- PA 1
bore, who, with r .- T \
aNye to effect, i
have made an
of the perform-
ers are almost
but the prin-
"Ballet of E-
qu e striennes,"
in which the ,
(orrace-horses) HIR MAJESTr's.-THE PANTHER AND THE MIME.
of the manage-
ment in the way of Jockey-larity (or Jock-hilarity) and grace are pre-
JANUARY '7, I83.83 FJ
sented with great (equestri)energy. There is a "plantation
song and dance" in this piece.
The Yellow Dwarf, which was "hanged" for its prolixity
on the first night, and drawn in no very flattering colours by
the critics, has now been quartered by the management- --
divided into four acts, and turned into a pantomime. There I.
are things in it which ought to attract half the town, but pro-
bably won't owing to the initial want of foresight. There is
a "plantation song and dance" in this piece. NESTOR.
A Greeting to the Glorious One. I ,,'
FOR many months London has languished and pined,
Disconsolate, dreary, and minus all glee,
For a Being, combining both Beauty and Mind,
Has been shedding effulgence on lands o'er the sea.
No need to ask Who is the being here named?"
For all over the world great renown has he earned;
So we '11 merely remark that this Personage famed
Has to England returned I
Oh, joy oh, delight! With what rapturous hearts
We welcome that Great One again to our shores I
Too long has he "flopped in American parts,
Where some dared to call him "the biggest of bores."
Some laughed at his locks, and some grinned at his garb,
And his "merit artistic" they cruelly spurned.
Too long he there suffered from calumny's barb,
But (oh, bliss 1) he's returned I
Then let us be merry, yea, let us be gay,
For a weight is removed from the national breast.
Let us bang the big drum, let us holloa Hoorray 1"
The AEsthetic Apostle let's greet with a zest.
With too-too-consumately-utter deep sighs,
To behold him again have we frequently yearned;
Though his picturesque guise many people despise,
We rejoice he's returned.
Though certain prosaic ones doubtless will sneer
At seeing us welcome our Wonderful Wilde,
We have reason why Oscar we proudly revere,
Although on occasions, perchance, he 's reviled.
We '11 tell you the reason : 't is not that we 'd hint
That he's witty or wise, or that art he has learned ;
'T is because he is useful to "get at" in print
That we're glad he's returned.
HOW TO PASS A FAIRLY COMFORTABLE (K)NIGHT.-
Bide your time in Cheapside, and then go by Sir John Ben-
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND MISS LOUISE MICHEL.
I FOUND Miss Michel quite as black as she has been painted, Sir,
when, one afternoon last week, I saw her for the first time at the
Steinway Hall; for not only was she clad in deep mourning, but her
looks, when she realized the fact that her audience numbered but twenty,
were so black that it required a very strenuous effort on my part to make
light of them.
With my usual gallantry I did my best to encourage the lectures by
sitting about in different places and hurrying in and out as though I
were a lot of fresh people arriving, but it was all no use. Miss Michel
could not make more than twenty of her audience, so that she had reason
to complain upon that "score," I admit. Nor was my effort to impress
upon her that what the audience lacked in numbers it made up in Extra-
Special intelligence successful. My command of idiomatic French failed
at a critical moment, and I had to leave my sentiments unexpressed.
A second attempt of mine to suggest that our money had better be
returned at the door was also a failure for a similar reason; and, soon
after three, the "woman of the people "-the outward and visible sign
of a secret and widespread Mary Anne," so to speak-began to address
us in French on the wrongs and rights of women.
Miss Michel, like several French persons I have had the misfortune to
meet or drink with, gabbled at such a rate that she altogether overtaxed
my powers of following her language. But I am not sure this was a fact
to regret, for I may add that much of this language of hers, judging by
the excited demeanour of a hirsute and communistic patriot near me,
went completely home. So if I had followed it I must have arrived at
home too, Sir, mustn't I? And then clearly I should not have had my
money's worth, should I ? for I may tell you that I did not go in as the
IN THE CONSERVATORY.
SEE, amid the flowers waiting, For Cupid (who is e'er despotic)
One who's blest with beauty's dow'r; Surely such a fay would snare;
Is the maiden meditating Love, you know, is no exotic-
Only on each plant and flow'r? Love can flourish anywhere.
Or is she thinking of her lover? It should ne'er, though, like some
Does she now his step expect ? flowers,
Probably you '11 soon discover Fade and be no longer seen;
That idea's the more correct. In her case, Love, show lasting powers,
Be to her an evergreen !
Press (how could I, as one of twenty only?), but paid my sixpence like
a man-though, for that matter, I could not very well do anything else,
for Louise would naturally have objected to my paying my threepence
as a child under twelve.
As far as I could "gather" (and I have never been much of a hand
with my needle), Miss Michel is anxious to raise her fellow-country-
women-especially those who make slop shirts at Lille; she is still more
anxious to raise the banner of Social Revolution; but she is most anxious
of all, as you '11 find these friends of the people usually are, to raise
subscriptions. I know this because she spoke much more earnestly and
slowly when she came to this portion of her speech, and I noticed that
all the more communistic of the audience fixed their gaze on me, as
though eager to see what I meant to do to help on the Social Revolution
-or the Soho-cial Revolution, as I in my Extra-Special quippy way
call it-and the cause of the Communard refugees.
But I was not to be rushed, Sir, into extravagance in this way; so,
when Miss Michel had quite done, I rose, and, keeping my hand sug-
gestively rattling my keys in my trouser pocket, offered, apropos to the
Lille needlewomen, to recite "une traduction Frangaise de cette belle
po8me de Hood's, 'Le Chanson de la Chemise.'"
But as the audience noisily declined to hear me, I resumed my seat,
turning a deaf ear to the various offers of tuition in idiomatic French
rudely urged upon me by several of the Communards around me.
As for Miss Michel, she looked daggers and Orsini bombs at me, and
made me feel so uncomfortable that I took an early opportunity and my
hat, which a patriot had tried to annex, and departed with a determi-
nation not to waste any more time in watching the development of the
24 FU N. JANUARY 17, 1883,
OUR PROVIDENT WAY,
Native oysters are becoming extifict through reckless destruction of the spat; tons of fish are thrown away to raise the market price; seals will soon be very
scarce through the wholesale slaughter of immature ones; and now the elephant is threatened with extinction, crowds of them being destroyed simply for the sake
of their ivory.-See Newspaafers.
"k., .. -'' '.-' hl. .. _._..: y,._. ,.. ,. --.,. I...
It was just the same at the beginning. "Here's a fine supply of animals and things !" said the primeval savage; "I'll iust kill as many as I can, and amass
affluence for my descendants to keep up the family name with.". .1,
'/ -' '
" Hooray 1" says his descendant of the present day; ."keep the'game alive Kill all you see, and throw away what you can't sell; and make a nice comfortable bit
for your descendants!"
" Hum !" will be the remark of those descendants when this srt of tin has gne on just a little bit loner co rta ort of world they e ft to
Not a scrap of anything on t-I TII just lie down and starve." And that's about what they neilI do.
o -t.wat.hywl o
]EU' IN.-JANUARY 17, 1883.
DON'T RENEM BEK_\
HIM THERE DO YO U
THE CONQUERING HERO.
"The Queen has been pleased to signify her intention to appoint Field-Marshal H.R.H. the Duke ot Cambridge, K.G., G.C.B., to
be personal Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty, in recognition of the service rendered by his Royal Highness in connection with the Egyptian
QUERY, DID HE PUT THE "ARTISTIC MERIT" INTO THE EGYPTIAN CAMPAIGN?
SEE THE CONQUERING HERO.
SADLY mused a great Field-Marshal
In his sanctum at the Horse Guards:
How I wish I might with safety
Prance upon a steady charger,
Just as if I'd come from battle!
Peace, I rather fancy (not to
Put too fine a point upon it),
May enjoy its grand successes
In a bellicose connection-
Just the way that I've enjoy'd them.
But I seem to be neglected,
Quite escaping recognition,
Whilst my comrades in the Army
(Botheration take the fellows!)
Now are being all promoted."
And Victoria the Gracious,
Casually hearing of it,
Offered him her Aide-de-Campship
For the services he rendered
Somewhere lately out of Egypt.
JANUARY 17, 1883, FUN. 27
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NEw SERIES. No. 29.-A SONG OF ALL ALIVE 0 !
AIR-" We're not dead yet."
THE news may be surprising
And send the nation crackt,
But there is no disguising
The all-important fact;
It fills the soul with wonder,,
It flings aloft the hat,
It stirs like fire and thunder
When people tell us that-
"We're not dead yet, we're not dead yet 1"
(We never thought the contrary, but still, you bet,"
It's a little bit exciting
And by no means uninviting
When we get the information that we 're not dead yet.")
Th' Academy is showing
Old Masters on its walls,
Tha Malagasys going
(To make some further calls).
We've managed, too, to reconstruct
The Mint, and (Naples move)
We 've found an ancient aqueduct,
Which only goes to prove-
We're not dead yet, we 're not dead yet
(A state of things which visits us with small regret),
Such proofs as we are giving
Of continuously living
Are very satisfactory-we're not dead yet.
.- _-1 I- '
~' 'Y"i, ~ [A
We 've seen the calico ball
For little girls and boys,
The Hounslow rows, a no-ball
And comprehensive noise,
And the holes for ventilation
The District" makes with glee;
But, in spite of provocation,
It's plain enough that we
Are not dead yet, no, not dead yet,
Though goodness knows (in course of time) where we may get;
But times that may be coming
For our quietly succumbing
Do not affect the present, and we're not dead yet.
Though Mr. Joseph Cowen
Has made his little speech,
The Michel told us how en-
Chanting what she'd teach,
Our Playfair designatedd,"
Our Gladdy had attack,
And Oscar Wilde come back,
We're not dead yet, we're not dead yet,
Though things have set upon us with a dead, dead set,
They have the strong attraction
Of a peaceful satisfaction
In the fact that we can mention that we're not dead yet.
A LITTLE TOO MUCH I
.... \ <
OUR Own Animal Torturer (whom we keep about the premises to try
our new cudgels, and revolvers, and vivisection experiments, and poisons,
and thumbscrews, and so forth, upon) gives it up at last. He has stood
out a long time, he says, and bore it well; he's seen them Societies for
the Prewention of Croolty spring up and flourish, without flinchin'; he's
stood all the spoutin' and rubbish about anti-vivisection and that, like a
brick; he's bore hup agin the Home for Lost Dogs at Clapham; and
he's recovered from shedding' a sympathizin' tear on beharf of his ole pal
wot got a lickin' and a damaged eye the other day for kickin' a 'orse in
the stummeck. But he gives it hup now-hup I They've stretched his
tender cords a little too tight-they 'e overdone it, they 'ave. It's the
last (qualified) straw, so it is. Jest looked 'ere:-
"A project for a more humane method of dispatching animals than
any at present in use is suggested by the Zoophilist. In its last issue Mr.
Lane Fox describes an easily constructed apparatus for putting an end
to worn-out horses, asses, or even cattle used for food, by the electric
discharge. The animal is led into a stall, and placed with its hoofs rest-
ing upon an iron plate; a brass knob is then applied to its forehead, and
it falls down dead on the instant."
Our 0. A. T. says when it's come to this pass he may as well dry up
and make a finish of hisself. We quite agree with him: he may as well.
We read that the proprietor of the H6tel National at Geneva has at-
tempted to extort money from the relatives of a French gentleman who
died in the hotel, by claiming exorbitant damages as compensation for
the prejudice to his business occasioned by the untoward occurrence."
Although the relatives of the deceased offered a reasonable amount, the
hotel-keeper preferred to sue them for an unreasonable one; and the
Paris tribunal sent him home with a flea in his ear. And now, perhaps,
his next proceeding had better be to sue himself for "compensation for
the prejudice to his business likely to be occasioned by his recent pro-
ceedings-and he'll be justified in putting it at a good round sum I
There has been deep resentment and indignation among the pro-
fessional beauties for some time past. Mr. L- was (as we understand)
overheard to say to Mrs. W- that it was like her conceit I Two
hundred indeed, when I am contented with a few dozen Whatever
the photographers can see in her I While Mrs. Blank is understood to
have entirely agreed with the Countess of Dash that they wouldn't sell
a bit, and it was useless to exhibit them. FUN, with his innate curiosity,
determined to get to the bottom of all this, for he had a sort of suspicion that
professional jealousy was somewhere in it; and the other day he found
it all out. Observing a renewed burst of indignation, he set about a
regular methodical inquiry. He commenced with reading the newspa-
pers right through, and in the midst of this task he came upon the
following par :-
"Plymouth.-The United States Transit of Venus Expedition have
returned by the Union Steamship Company's steamer Moor, which
arrived here this afternoon from Capetown. They report that 236
photographs of Venus were obtained."
Latest advices state that the Original Professional Beauties' Self-
Protection League are unanimously of opinion that they haven't much
to fear from that-person."
We read that Mr. Heishell, of Knoxville, Tenn., sent to the Ne-w
York Times a sample ear of corn grown by him, which had grains an
inch long, weighed a pound and a half, and "shelled a quart of grain.
Mr. Heishell also says that there are instances in which a man has pro-
duced ears of corn 151 inches long. We fancy folks who swallow this
could manage to beat even these specimens in length of ear.
28 FU N JANUARY 17, 1883.
No. I.-BALTHAZAR BELUCCI SMITHERS.
--- --:: Jl -- --
Is a philosopher to be envied or not? As a rule, we should be in.
clined to favour the negative of this proposition, especially when the
question pertains to the aesthetic philosopher. The philosopher simple"
is very apt to wrap himself up in a "blanket of self-conceit," and gaze at
what he imagines to be the weakness of ordinary human beings through
the keyhole of his warped, morbid mind. The Iesthetic" philosopher,
of course, does not wrap himself up in anything so low as a "blanket of
self-conceit," but hides his mental deformity with a coverlet of sun-
flowers intertwined with the chaste lily. Balthazar Belucci
Smithers was engaged to Belinda Jones. Balthazar followed the gentle
art of painting, or rather made it follow him. "Ah he would warble
to Belinda, while her cheeks flushed a dainty pink of annoyance, when
we are married we will assemble no gay dancers in our saloons ; at nights
we will hover round Soho, and buy worn-out carpets and ancient candle-
sticks." And then a tear would stand in Belinda's eye as the painter, in a
vague manner, would deftly place a sardine instead of a lump of sugar in his
fragrant cup of tea. But when Sir Rigby Desborough suddenly "rushed
in," proposed to Belinda, and subsequently married her, did the aesthetic
painter despair? No, never Did he not call a middle-aged widow's
attention to "The Martyrdom of St. Sebastian," by Guido, while strol-
ling round the Rosamond Gallery ? Did the aesthetic painter not in-
sinuate that he was a martyr also? Did the widow not marry him ?
She did 1 As she happens to have ,30, 000, also a strong arm and mind,
she has managed to induce Balthazar to behave like an ordinary mortal.
The least suggestion as to the advantage of a lily over a mutton chop for
lunch is now punished by an application of the late widow's riding-whip
with such severity as to make the aesthete fly with precipitancy. Smithers
now wears modern garb, and much of his art connection is consequently
lost; but his income, with that of the late widow's, is ample, and Bal-
thazar is happy He is a philosopher, and sometimes wears a sunflower
when his wife is out of town. We do not envy him. The reason that
we give Belinda's portrait, instead of Balthazar's or the late widow's, is
simply because Belinda is pretty, and not a philosopher of any kind;
and a very good reason too. What do you think ?
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ACTS.
[Q.C. WRITES to the Times to draw attention to the 12th section of
the Married Women's Property Act, which provides that no husband
or wife shall be entitled to sue the other for a tort" while they are living
together, and to point out that "an action in the High Court of Justice
to obtain a divorce is an action by or against husband and wife to obtain
relief in consequence of a tort." Q.C. argues, therefore, that the
M. W. Property Act indirectly abolishes divorce. It's more than likely.
Our Acts are ever drawn thus. (By the way, some of the grammar in
the above is not FUN'S.)]
MR. FAULSLEIGH C. CURE. I see the new Act for the Better Regu-
lation of Penny Buns has come into operation with the new year. Doesn't
concern me in the least, as I don't eat penny buns; and as long as I can
go freely on my way to town, and have my joint on Sunday, and my
morning tub, and keep a roof over my head, and drone along comfortably
with the missus and the kids-why, I don't care what Acts come into
operation about foreign matters-eh ?
MR. UNSER SPECTING. Quite so; so long a; a man's free to choose
his own way of life, and belong to what denomination he likes-eh?
(They enclose themselves in a fools' Paradise of false confidence, the off.
spring of crass ignorance as to the ways of law draughtsmen. An in-
MR. FAULSLEIGH C. CURF. That new Penny Buns Regulation Act
seems to cover a wider field than one imagined at first sight. It seems
that it touches the question of journeys to town and back ; quite by an
inadvertence too. By a trifling vagueness in the wording of one of the
clauses, the Act makes it nnlawjul for anybody to proceed to or from the
City in any conveyance whatever; while what was really intended to be
said was that no penny bun should have less than seven currants in it.
It's rather awkward, y' know, because I have to walk thirty miles every
day; but of course it can't be helped, as it's the law,
MR. F. C. CURE. That Penny Bun Act really seems to touch me
up a bit, after all. By a trifling vagueness in the wording of one of the
clauses, it renders it criminal to have a joint on Sundays; the tyran-
nical provision is not intentional-in fact, the words were intended to
render it criminal to deliver penny buns after dark or before five in the
morning; but, nevertheless, it's most inconvenient, don't you see, as
we're forced to dine off odds and ends on the day mentioned, and I
admit I like my sirloin. The good lady gets quite incensed about it, and
positively stigmatizes the draughtsman as a- (whispers). But, of
course, women are so unparliamentary.
MR. F. C. CURE. Eb? I? Well, I'm not in a very good temper, I
must confess.. Fact is, I 'm a little bit put out about that Buns Act.
It's really an interference with a citizen's rights. Here am I, can't have
my tub of a morning because of a trifling vagueness in the wording of
one of the clauses. The clause forbids the "use of any bath basin bowl
butt barrel or bucket or other utensil for the purpose or under the pre-
text plot or plan of bathing tubbing dipping or other or others form
kind style system description or manner of ablution or ablutions whatso-
ever and whatever." What it meant to forbid was the insertion of arsenic,
soft soap or hair-dye in penny buns. But it 's a-well, I go so far as to
say it's a confounded nuisance. As for the missus, she describes the
draughtsman as a-(whispers). She does indeed.
MR. UNSBR SPECTING. Heavens Cure, can it be you? Why, why
do you thus creep into the Adelphi Arches to sleep ? Have you no roof
to shelter-no wife or little ones to solace you?
Mr. F. C. CURE. Alas, no I By a trifling vagueness in the wording
of a clause in the Buns Act, it became incumbent upon the police to tear
down my villa and drag my wife and children to Horsemonger Lane for
life. What the framer intended was to render short weight in penny
buns a felony. So I am resigned-nay, I rather like it. But you?
Why are you thus chained to a post? And what mean these countless
bundles of firewood upon which you stand ? Speak I
Mr. U. S. By a trifling vagueness in the wording of a clause in the
Buns Act, the Church of England is disestablished, and its members are
condemned to be burned at the stake. It can't be helped; but such
was not the original intention of the Bill. Here comes the fellow with
the match. Farewell, dear boy !
POLITICAL.-We obtain our tea from China from tea-trees, and by
JANUARY 17, 1883.
FROM birth till now I 've ever been
A most unlucky creature;
My whole career has hardly seen
A single happy feature.
The fault is Fate's and not my own;
That's true, and I maintain it-
The fact is pretty clearly shown
Directly I explain it.
At school I did the rule of three,
As well as vulgar fractions ;
But figures ne'er possessed for me
The strongest of attractions.
My master found me such a dunce,
He sent me back to father.
I may as well confess at once
I shrank from study, rather!
I sought a place as errand-boy,
And very quickly gained it;
But not for me such low employ,
I utterly disdained it.
Through something either said or done
I lost my situation.
Tust then my life was hardly one
To bear investigation.
I loved a lass with all my heart,
And won her own, she told me.
Too much 't would make my bosom smart
To tell you how she sold me.
I said-when that mishap occurred-
How cruel thus to doubt me I "
But possibly she might have heard
Some shady things about me.
A poet's fame I cannot win,
Though much I try to earn it.
Whene'er I send a lyric in,
The editors return it.
But though their manners I may call
Devoid of proper breeding,
Perhaps my verses, after all,
Would scarce repay the reading.
THERE were high jinks in the City on Plough Monday. We
presume the Stock Exchange was represented by "shares "
-plough-" shares." [This is absolutely harrow-ing.-ED.]
The Squire.-To say nothing of its many excellent and varied papers,
the contents of its "Post Bag" and "Book Parcel" are always worthy
Macmillan's has its instalment of "The Wizard's Son" (Mrs.Oliphant),
an amusing reminiscence by the author of "John Halifax," and many
other contributions equally good.
Household Words.-For those who cannot read the bulk of the longer
stories, there are short ones, and lots of Odds and Ends."
The Leisure Hour, Sunday at Home, Boy's Own Paper, and Girl's
Own Paper can scarcely be too well spoken of.
"An Olde Almanack" (Charles Letts and Companye) is an almanac
got up in truly "old style," printed in black letter, with facsimiles of
old borders and old "cuttes" complete; altogether a most quaint and
Saxby's Weather Table and Almanac of the Heavens (same firm).
-This reliable almanac is likely, from its completeness, to sustain its
The "Financial Reform Almanac (Longmans, Green, and Co.)-Full
of elaborately tabulated statistical information, "a glance at which is suffi-
cient to show the importance of the subject, the value of the statistics to
those who study it, and the real need there is of "financial reform."
"Ephemerides, the Dayes of the Yeare 1883 ; an Auntient Annuale,"
compiled by Mr. Edward Walford, M.A. (T. Fisher Unwin), is another
"kalendar" got up in "old style," old-faced type, old borders, much
curious old literary matter, and many amusing old anecdotes.
"A Bad Boy's Diary" (Simpkin, Marshall, and Co.).-This bad
boy's diary is-as might be imagined-as full of fun and mischief as a
book evidently intended to excite laughter can well be. It is wonderful
what a number of scrapes and accidents befall the little fellow, who,
as he says, "always tride to be an angle."
TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA.
Modern Athletic Mamma,-"YOU NEED NOT LOOK SO UNHAPPY,
TOMMY, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOUR CHUM, JACK, HAS GIVEN YOU A
THRASHING. IF YOU HAD NOT BEEN SO SLOW IN GUARDING WITH YOUR
'LEFT,' HAD USED YOUR 'RIGHT' MORE FREELY, AND TRIED THAT
'POSTMAN'S KNOCK' I'VE SO OFTEN SHOWN YOU, YOU WOULD NOT
HAVE BEEN BEATEN."
Twelfth Night at the Lane.
THE "Baddeley" cake made its annual plump appearance in Drury
Lane Saloon on the night of January 6th, and was duly consumed. The
memory of Robert Baddeley and the health of Gus Harris were drunk
on this festive occasion, the health in a particularly enthusiastic manner.
Good humour ambled round, and Augustus beamed pleasantly on every-
body : the rapid way in which he outflanked a waiter, who was indulging
in an idea that the dry quality of champagne might be improved by the
introduction of a massive thumb into the guests' glasses, was most mas-
terly and Napoleonic : the "theoretical" waiter was rebuked by Gus in
a touching, firm, but dove-like way. The subsequent consumption of
tripe and onions at the Albion by several eminent recipients of the
" Baddeley cake might form the subject of an excellent Lancet article
on the advantages of "plum cake" over "sherry and bitters" as an
appetite-producer. The takings on Twelfth Night at the "Lane"
amounted to 543, the largest sum ever yet shot into the coffers of
"Old Drury" on one night. Well, Sindbad and Harris both deserve
success, for both are excellent.
The Unfortunate Nobleman.
WE always had a deep respect for the Claimant's sense of humour;
but his last wheeze has fairly knocked us over : even a grim smile
stole over the face of the sternest warder as Arthur warbled to his friends,
who interviewed him the other day, the touching words, "I approve of
my son Roger writing to the Home Secretary and asking for a remission
of the sentence on the ground that he and his brothers and sisters are
growing up, and ought to have a father's care and supervision."
Who forged and lied with purpose fell,
And tried to wreck a "fame" as well,
Which brought him to the prison cell ?-This father I
MW To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowdge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
aceomfanied by a sta*Xe4 and directed envelope.
JANUARY 17, 1883.
IRELAND AND THE HOUNDS.
Visitor (great Cross-country Man).-" GET A GOOD RUN HERE-NO WIRE FENCES-HEY?"
Irish Landlord.-" No; ONLY A CHANCE OF GETTING POTTED FROM BEHIND A HEDGE."
Visitor,-"POOR IGNORANT CREATURES, THE IRISH PEASANTS-DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER-WANT EDUCATING."
Landlord.-" BUT THEY SHOOT AS MANY FOXES AS THEY DO LANDLORDS."
Visitor.-" THE BARBARIAN SCOUNDRELS! THEY OUGHT TO BE HANGED TO A MAN."
The Woman in Possession.
THE new Married Women's Property Act so thoroughly protects the
other sex, that in self-defence the sterner ones have resolved to petition
for a Married Men's Property Act, and among other things which they
will ask to have reserved to them are the following:-
The petitioners plead that they may retain their right to wear those
garments usually described as unmentionables.
They earnestly pray that their razors may not be appropriated for
They crave that some limit may be placed on the too popular curtain
They piteously beseech to be allowed some trifling sum per week for
And they cry aloud that this one-sided arrangement-that is, the
Married Women's Property Act-may not include the confiscation of
their latch-keys, and that they may be permitted to call their souls their
ROUGH ON THE ANTI-TOBACCONIST. -Wishing him no end o
"Returns" on his birthday.
A Note re Porter.
THE licensed victuallers in Belfast have been protesting against the
Messrs. Guinness's recent increase in the price of porter, which seems
to beer thing they don't admire. A storm will soon be brewing unless
there is some (m)alteration. They evidently believe that the Guinness'
stamp and a' that" is a little too dear, and that it is not good form thus
to be-Guinn-es-tablishing such a precedent. Hence this porter.ble
A Bony-fide Attraction.
THE Californian belles have started a new society diversion entitled
a Bones Club," those familiar negro instruments being said to show off
pretty arms and hands. With this idea in view, the notion is a rattling"
COUNT BEUST is about to publish a book. It is to be hoped there
will be nothing Beust-erous about it. (N. B.-Our contributor requests
that you will not pronounce the above as spelt, or you will spoil the
joke. Qy. what joke?-ED.)
Genuine produces delicious m
Custards without Eges, at
half the cost and trouble.
Alfred POd W DER CAUTION -If
Sans B ns no-g Cocoa thickens in the
address, post-free, "PASTRY AND SWEETS."-A Little lead pencil, and neither scratch nor spurt, the points ben edition of Starch m
Work containing Practical Hints and Original Recipes for roundedbyanew process. SIPrizeMedalsawarded. Asrted
Tasty Dishes for the Dinner and Supper Table. SampleBox,6d.;post-freestampstotheW s,B1iingaM. PURE!!! SOLUBLEi!! REFRESHING III
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published(for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 17th, 1883.
JANUARY 24 883. 31
A KITCHEN CONFIDENCE,
Sarah Ann.-" LOR', MARY, WHAT A STRANGE THING LOVE IS, AIN'T IT?" Mary.-"I ow SO, SARAH ANN?"
Sara/i Ann.-" WHY, IT'S SO CONTRYDicrRY LIKE. IT'S LIKE A BURGULER; IT BREAKS IN SUDDINGLY AND STEALS YOUR
'ART; AND YET IT'S LIKE THE BLACK LEAD I USes FOR THE GRATES, IT GIVES ONE SECII A POLISH. LOOK 'OW IT'S POLISHED
ME, FOR INSTANCE. MY YOUNG MAN OFTEN SES TO ME, 'SARERANN,' SES HE, BLOWED IF YOU DON'T OUTSHINE 'EM ALL."'
Mary.-" AH, THAT'S VERY GRATE-FUL OF HIM. I'M POLL-ISH MYSELF, BUT I ALWAYS MAKE MY SWEETHEART CALL ME
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
POSTPONEMENT OF THE WATERLOO CUP.
DEAR SIR,-I 'm taking up my pen to dip it in the ink, and then
indite a thoughful word or two, or three or four, to send to you. Now,
pray, Sir, do not take amiss the heading which I give to this-" Post-
ponement of the Waterloo conveys the thing which is not true (or if it
is, then "I am gormed" if I've been properly informed). I've used the
heading on the plan adopted by the paperman, who, artfullest of artful
chaps, will print upon his bills in caps., at which the reader gasps and
pales, THE MURDER OF THE PRINCE OF WALES! Il and
when, with face of Mors's tint, you buy a copy of the print, and on the
lines your peepers fall, you'll find no murder there at all, but some starved
lad, half blind and lame, has threatened to commit the same. Just
so, it must be freely owned, I do not mean the Cup's postponed, I
merely mean (it's just my larks) I've put off making my remarks
until next week, or after that; although that chap will be a flat who,
waiting till he gets my tip, allows a certain chance to slip; for when
he's let it slip it's plain he cannot get it back again-for, whatsoever
his remorse, the thing that's "slipped" must take its course." With
this remark so grand and true, excuse me if I say "adoo," and sign
myself discreetly thus :- Yours peacefully,
For He's a Jolly Good "Feller."
THE Premier, let us hope now he is again convalescent, will take care
not to use his hatchet so recklessly; he will not add, that is to say, to
the series of "axy-dents" which have already had such "influenzal"
results on the right honourable gentleman.
"Letts' Diaries" (Charles Letts and Co.) are in size, form, conve.
nience, and usefulness sufficiently varied to suit all sorts and conditions
of men, especially those who keep diaries.
"Philipson on Harness," by John Philipson (Newcastle-on-Tyne:
Andrew Reid; London: Edward Stanford), is an instructively illustrated
and thoroughly exhaustive exposition of the subject. It ought to be in
the hands and ought to be made a careful study of by all who have the
care or the control of horses. Much good advice is given, which, if
adopted, would benefit them and also benefit the noble animal.
"Auf Wiederschen" (valse), by Caroline Lowthian; Bon Jour"
(polka), by Celian Kottaun; "Feu de Joie" (galop), by Charles Le
There; Fun of the Fair (quadrille), by Warwick Williams (Francis
Bros. .and Day, Blenheim House, Oxford Street).-These four pieces of
dance music are well arranged and lively. They will all be well liked;
probably the polka will be the greatest favourite. The quadrille is an
excellent selection of popular airs dexterously strung together.
The celebrated Medallion Group of Portraits of the Premier, the
Right Hon.W. E. Gladstone, and his sons, Mr. Herbert Gladstone, M.P.,
and Mr. W. H. Gladstone, M.P. (London: Sweeny and Co.).-These
well drawn and excellent likenesses of this wonderful man and his most
promising sons form a remarkable and desirable group, of considerable
value to their admirers.
AT the Northumberland assizes, a verdict with 2oo damages has
been obtained by Miss Pattisman for breach of promise of marriage.
One of the objections of the defendant was that the lady was left-handed.
Left-handedness is generally looked upon as an advantage in a boxer,
enabling him to Pattisman effectively. Poor Miss Pattisman I What
a heartless deceiver, and all that, is man I Is a lady, because she is
left-handed, to be left stranded ?
VOT,. XXVII.-.IiO. 924,
32 F U N JANUARY 24. 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
'ye n T T Irv:C w. HE new come-
Y7 L T dietta at the
TO THE 0LD NOE I 'I" :he rt oo
SCourt is not too
r.a st. e o m e strong in plot-
io be candid, it I
is too weak in
plot but it
,1'. .", serves ade-
very useful pur-
to open the pro.
oorously, and al-
low those pecu.
who never can
be in time to
get settled to
-- (and everybody
TIE COURT.-THIEr I[APi-V RETURN. :he advent of
the piece of the
evening; to display some very fair and promising dialogue (in which
M'dr. Law must be admitted to make at least nine points) ; above all, to
provide Mr. Cecil with a part more suited to
his peculiar talents than the one whichh falls
to his lot in Comrades. It is needless to re-
count with what thoughtful care and studied V.
completeness the actor portrays the various I
moods and emotions of Old Hardy, whose
son's "happy return" is the basis of the
Mr. Chillingham Hunt, a gentleman of
some elocutionary pretensions, gave a recital ,
on the IIth instant in a room at St. James's
Hall, Piccadilly. The room was small, and
of so retiring a disposition as not to be come
at without effort; it appeared, moreover, to
have been recently dining upon hot roast I
mutton (the waiter was still in the room
vending programmes), and was decorated
reasons of my own, I will call The Talkist.
A platform of primitive construction, orna-
mented with a few problematical plants and
a piano (upon which one anon disported him-
self execrably), and flanked by a screen for
the concealment of the performers "between
whiles (and which miserably neglected its
duty as far as at least three rows of audience we
I -. -I I '' "
IST. JAMEs's HALt.-PIT77LEB-To FIND THE RRCITER-
voice, some elocutionary knowledge, an idea of a
earnestness. I fancy he sacrifices feeling to elocution at times, and it is
just a question
the various -..
parts in a long -.. .'
scene in differ-
ent voices is an .
advantage; it L--
depends so .-
much upon the ."
mood and cha- I '
racter of the e m' in '' '. 'b
he will accept 1,,
it as an honest -P-
attempt to as-
sist his compre- 't .
pension, or an
lesque upon the
the "legitta. J
mut;" but alto-
gether Mr. T'iE RoV.'ITV.-A SANTIX OCUPATITmN.
Hunt is deserv-
ing of very considerable encouragement, in spite of his efforts being
somewhat overshadowed by The 2Talkist announcements.
A (Lo'r.)DAY AT THiS SRMID;~E.
re concerned), com-
pleted the ar-
i such as these
are apt to set
on a dangerous
tack, and at-
tune it to in-
i mirth; it is
thing to say for
Mr. Hunt that
. he had his
from the first,
and soon suc-
ceeded in ob-
Shas the advan-
tages of a gen-
acting, and apparent
The Mferry Duchess, by Mr. G. R. Sims,
with music by Mr. Frederic Clay, is the piece
with which Miss Kate Santley will open the
reconstructed Royalty (about the 26th of
March, it is expected). A "point" in the
decorations will be a number of plaques, the
work of Miss Santley herself, let into the front
of the dress circle: an enthusiastic youth
whispers that the work has quite a Santley
aspect, and a touch most deli-Kate.
Mr. George Loveday, Mr. Toole's well-
known "right hand," will manage the theatre
now rising into ken at hitherto theatreless
Eastbourne. Every one who knows him
will, I am sure, wish him (East)bon voyage
on his "new departure."
King Comet, which was to have been pro-
duced at the Alhambra at Christmas, will
probably wag his tail at Her Majesty's next
Easter, under the leadership of Mr. Leader,
who has already engaged M. Jacobi as his
leader. We may cheerfully accept these
Lieder ohne Worte.
theatre in Co-
ventry Street .
(to be called
by special per-
H.R.H.) will / -
as soon as the
will allow. It It "'-
will be a grand
affair, with a ""
hotel, a restau-
rant, and about 1
a dozen shops '
"attached, but '
it will be light-
ed entirely by
electricity, and --- -
there will be N
heaps of doors
for people to HE. MI.Ai-TV'R.-FANCV PORTRAIT OF :
get out by in a
hurry, in case of fire or a bad piece to send them flying.
JANUARY 24, 1883. F. N 33
The Vaudeville produces Open House, by Mr. Byron, at
the conclusion of the run of The Rivals, and let us hope that
the longer Mr. Thorne keeps open house the richer he may
About the 18th of February anew drama will appear at the
Adelphi. It will be from the pen of Mr. Robert Buchanan,
so you may just Buchan-an-ormous number of seats on the
strength of it.
By the way, I shall be considered quite within my province,
I hope, if I call the attention of every one with theatrical
tastes to the admirable portrait of Mr. Henry Irving issued
with the number of The Pictorial World for last Saturday
week; it is quite good enough to be gazed at upon a book-
stall, borrowed from a friend, and finally bought.
Plon-Plon in Prison,
IT was Plon-Plon in his prison,
And he knew his race had risen,
For, though taking what's not his 'n
Ain't a Bonaparte's best part;
But a family as highly
Versed in arts abstruse has shyly
Oftentimes from durance wily
Made a pretty fairish start,
Though as yet a stupid starter
(I have rather been a smarter),
I 'm commencing to be martyr
In the proper classic style.
Government again has tamely
Played the game I ventured gamely-
Played all lifelessly and lamely,
That I might at last strike ile.
A born Casar in futuro
Basely sentenced to endure, oh !
Chains-the carcere ain't duro,
Though we needn't mention that.
Why the regime should be regal
In a trice, although illegal;
They might even perch an eagle
On the family cocked hat.
But, alas! the former fervour
Of old France has ceased to nerve her;
Less a server than observer,
She discerns the cause that wins.
When I launched my proclamation,
I supposed incarceration,
Through the terror of the nation
I expected groans-it grins I
Elderly Party (after a long essay oHi his feverly).-" AH, SIR, EVEN A
SHILLIN' 'UD BE A BLESSIN' TO ME. YOU LOOKS A BIT SPORTIN' LIKE,
AND YOU 'LL PEER'APS SIMPERSISE WITH ME WHEN I TELLS YER IT WAS
BACKIN' OF A IIOSS AS BROKE ME."
Gentleman (having giv, cn Elderly Party a shilling, which he promptly
"pouches ").-"WHAT HORSE WAS IT?"
Elderly Party.-" CART Hoss, SIR! BEIN' IN THE SCAVENGERIN'
LINE RECENT, AND ALSO IN LICKER, I BACKS THE HOSS, AND CART
TOO, INTER A PASTRYCOOK'S WINDER, WRECKS IT, GETS A MONTH'S
"ARD,' AND AIN'T 'AD A JOB SINST."
Stage Realism and Modern Criticism.
SCENE I.-PRI\ATE ROOM OF A THEATRICAL MANAGER.
T. M. and a celebrated AUTHOR discovered.
T. M. You see, I want a real stirring melodrama. Plenty of inci-
dent, and as many acts as you like : sensation makes people thirsty,
and the bars are my own spec.
C. A. Ah I've got just the thing for you. I can adapt a play that
was a failure at the Porte St. Martin, and--
T. M. Porte St. Fiddlestick I Here's the style of thing I want. Take
this week's Police News; seven woodcuts of murders and other horrors
on the front page. Work up seven acts to fit these, and fix a new idea;
make your hero commit bigamy with Barnum's Two-HIeaded Nightingale,
or work in some other freak of nature. You can have Scrambles to gag
the low comedy part, so that '11 be no trouble to you. Put my name to
it as joint author, and get it finished in a month.
C. A. Here, I say--
T. M. Now, not a word ; get to work at once, and we'll put the first
act in rehearsal in a fortnight. [Bundles him out.
SCENE II.-LOBBY of the Theatre on the night of the production oj the
Enter AUTHOR and CANDID CRITIC at end of Act V.
C. C. Well, it seems to be going all right, but you must admit, my
dear fellow, that it is the awfullest nonsense that--
C. A. Ah my boy, that's because my writing's entirely swamped
by Scrambles' gag and these horribly idiotic situations I've had to writn
up to. However, it's a success. Do a split? [ They do a split.
SCENE III.-MANAGER'S ROOM.
Enter CANDID CRITIC and THEATRICAL MANAGER.
T. M. (hastily). Yes, I know what you're going to say. The writing
is weak, but if those situations and scenic effects don't knock the B. P.,
I'll eat the prompt copy. You '11 find a liver wing in the sideboard, and
that is Mumm '74.
[CANDID CRITIC writes next day in the "Daily Smasher"
that it is difficult to say whether the drama was more ap-
preciated on account of the brilliant novelty of its situation,
or the brightness of the dialogue," and all ends happily.
A CONTEMPORARY states that the Prince of Wales, at the urgent request
of the Princess of Wales, is bestirring himself to put down the cruel
sport of pigeon-shooting. It also says that a new invention called the
"terra-cotta pigeon has been brought out under the patronage of the
Prince. It moreover states that "the ladies" have determined to
"boycott" the Gun Club until the cruel sport is given up; in fact,
each fair one will be a boy-cotta until the terra to pigeons is over.
A SAGE PROCEEDING-REMODELLING THE MINT.-Some have
said that it is thyme too, but they have been people remarkable for
34 IFUNT JANUARY 24, 1883.
THE HIGHEST TRIBUNAL.
Public feeling is always certain to be staunchly on the side of right and virtue. Its method of demonstration may be rough-even hasty at times; but depend upon
Let us say that it will ver be found identified with the cause of the true, the pure, and the honest, and opposed to all that is mean and base.
watchedd a plot to ruin a other feller et s go an' smash 'is winders." "W ch un's ders Whywell, both on m s.
I~ 4 ...
"This is a spree !" it says: "now we've smashed
o that there church, an' kill a peeler or two, and clear out
" Theer it says, "that warms yer hup a bit, don't it? Wish some bother fellers would go an' ruin other fellers, and let us 'ave another good spree. Hooroar foy
Wirchoo, and down with Wice !
SFUN.-JANUARY 24, 1883.
ilV\\\, V N
TIT FOR TAT-TRYING THE BARON.
ACTION FOR SLANDER.
OTHERS V. HUDDLESTON.-BEFORE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE LEIGHTON
JURY OF ARTISTS.
AND A SPECIAL
TIT FOR TAT-TRYING THE BARON.
THE Judge's conclusions in Belt against Lawes,
As might be expected, give excellent cause
For an action for slander to pay off the grudge
Aristotle most properly owes to that Judge.
Whatever the failings of him or his school,
This same Aristotle is scarcely a fool,
And it tended to injure him in his profession
When the Judge afore-mentioned made shocking transgression
By stating that he (Aristotle) had taught
That when verdicts on questions of Art might be sought,
The public-of whom he (his lordship) was one-
Could better decide how the thing should be done,
From an Art point of view, than such men as took part
Themselves in producing the wonders of Art.
If lawyers do better than artists to ferret
Amongst the nice points of artistical merit,
It follows-the argument hasn't a flaw-
That artists are better than lawyers at law;
And the action aforesaid of course will be tried
In a court over which Sir F. L. may preside,
When 'tis hoped he'll behave with befitting decorum,
Won't flirt with the ladies, or posture before 'em
As counsel for plaintiff, but hear the case rightly,
And then-squash the Last of the Barons politely.
JANUARY 24 1883.
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NE1W SERIES. No. 3o.-A SONG OF IMPROVfMIENT.
AIR-' .Artlstic Merit.'
THE news is deplorably dull
And sadly in need of a tone to it,
But its general features we cull,
Imparting a grace of our own to it :
Just take that "free day for St. Paul's,"
Which nobody cares very much about,
When into our verses it falls,
It's a thing with the prettiest touch about.
The writer very readily confesses,
The dulness of the news itself distresses,
But he 's thoughtfully digested it, and carefully invested it
With all artistic merit it possesses.
The Law Courts have opened at last
(They say it's not easy to hear in 'em);
Two Breaches of Promise have passed
With something amusingly queer in 'em;
The plaintiff in one was a man
(As Irish already you've branded 'un),
And the plaintiff fell under the ban
In the other, because a left-handed 'un !
The writer with some emphasis professes,
If interest the information blesses,
It's because he has digested it, and carefully invested it
With all artistic merit it possesses.
_V /. :..
Now I'll tell you, Matilda, my Jane,
I don't often crack up the collier,
He 's more or less brutal and vain,
And a burglar is frequently jollier ;
But the search for those lads in the ways
Of the mountains has raised my respect for 'em,
They gave up their wages for days-
Let's take round the hat and collect for 'em.
The reader, when the news's worth he guesses,
And vivid satisfaction he expresses,
Will remember we've digested it, and carefully invested it
With all artistic merit it possesses.
Some matters will raise your delight,
And others invoke the reverse of it-
The floods on the Continent plight,
The various woes they rehearse of it.
The Cambridge Boat practice begun,
Cetewayo's return and his cutting up,
The Duchess of Connaught and son,
Church Army, and Alcazar shutting up.
However it amuses or distresses,
To tell you why, the writer now digresses;
It's because he has digested it, and carefully invested it
With all artistic merit it possesses.
SIGNS OF DISSOLUTION.
IT was very, very long ago. Mankind got on tolerably well on this
earth. At times they fell out, punched each other's heads, and fell in
again. It was all over promptly, and not much harm done.
And it was at this pleasant period that one prehistoric man, who
happened to be surveying the prospect, on top of a rock, called out to
another prehistoric man, "Just drop sharpening that everlasting stone
hatchet, and look at this queer thing coming along."
The second prehistoric party climbed up and took a long stare.
"Nasty sort of thing-don't like the look of it said he.
Presently the two prehistoric fellows had a little dispute-a very little
one-about the possession of a bone needle; and the moment their dif.
ference began, up came the mysterious new arrival and took the whole
matter into its hands. Its proceedings were sharp and decisive: it just
knocked down and kicked both the disputants, and then took possession
of the article in dispute-" sequestrated it, as it called it.
And after that no two or more parties ever fell out without the intruder
poking its nose in, to the detriment of all parties (except itself) concerned.
"We got on a good deal better before this confounded busybody
turned up among us," said prehistoric mankind.
And the worst of it was that the intruder, having once appeared on
the earth, absolutely meant remaining there for good and all. The
times when history began to be written arrived, and found it still among
men. Its tactics were always the same-two or more parties had only
to fall out, and it descended upon them in its peculiarly unpleasant
manner, knocked them about, and sequestrated a part or the whole of
the article in dispute.
"It seems to us that this incubus might be very well dispensed with-
only we suppose it has always been an institution on the earth, and
can't be abolished," said the ancients.
And the intruder became more and more dilatory in the settlement of
disputes, m6re vague and hazy in the wording of its decisions, more in.
direct and lumbering in its method of arriving at any point, and more
grasping in the amount of property sequestrated. It began to mix up
its language in the most confusing way, to invent terms belonging to
no language, to discard punctuation, with the object of rendering itself
incoherent. Mankind began to nudge one another when it passed, and
whisper things about "dotage" and "softening of the brain."
These signs that men hinted at were particularly remarkable in the
habit the intruder-(whose name, by the way, was Civil Law)-had of
constructing for itself habitations of the most unsuitable and inconve-
nient descriptions-all paid for by unfortunate mankind. It would
always be building itself an expensive new house in which the acoustic
properties, and the ventilation, and the doors, and everything were all
wrong-until the suspicion of men became conviction.
Thus in the year 1820 the intruder commenced, with great delight, to
make itself a new home at Westminster, and called it the "New Law
Courts." And the "New Law Courts" were so insanely inconvenient
that in less than sixty years it got sick of them, screwed more money
out of mankind, and built another new home grander than ever.
There I" it exclaimed triumphantly, taking up residence. And the
judges couldn't hear the counsel, nor the counsel the judges, nor the
juries either, or anything but the doors slamming; and everybody
either got blown away or laid up by the violent draughts.
And now men nudge one another more than ever as the Civil Law
passes by; and they chuckle with glad anticipation too-for softening
of the brain is generally the precursor of dissolution, and there are some
institutions we could do without.
o. II.-MINETTA TWIGGINS.
"What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice, and all things nice,
That's what girls are made of."
TRAIN up a little girl in the above theoretical, and, for the female
element, convenient supposition, also instil at judicious intervals into her
mind that the juvenile male element is usually composed of snips and
snails, and puppy dogs' tails," then you will probably develop a toler-
ably sharp, selfish young lady, but one who is not easily managed. .
When the first and only daughter of Mr. Twiggins was born (he wasn't
an alderman then), Ma said, "It's no use, Twiggins, she shan't be
plain Ann. Look at her aristocratic face. I 'm a-going to 'ave 'er
called Minetta, out o' this 'ere novel I'm o-readin'." And from the
time of her christening Minetta was sugared and spiced carefully. .
Maxwell Bartholomew had a rolling eye full of intelligence, was bald,
and his obese figure not exactly moulded in the perfection of manly
symmetry; but Bartholomew's business was a flourishing one, for he
dealt in everything ancient and decayed, from "old masters" to the
toothpicks of our forefathers. Maxwell saw, and therefore loved the
daughter of Mr. Alderman Twiggins, for Minetta at eighteen years of
age possessed the bright bloom of roses and youth; but she shocked the
dealer in iniquities-we mean antiquities-by her flippancy. For in-
stance, when Bartholomew's rich fat uncle died suddenly of disease of
the heart, and the fact was mentioned to Minetta, she merely remarked,
" From her knowledge of the gentleman she was surprised to hear that
he possessed such an article as a heart," adding, "she had always looked
upon him as an animated p&ft de fois-gras." And when in the fulness
of his heart Maxwell brought her the choicest gittern from his worm-
eaten emporium, she merely remarked, as she tapped him on the bald
part of his head (gently) with the instrument, "It wants mending badly,
Mr. Bartholomew." So it did after her frivolous act. But when Max-
well, after a glass of champagne, screwed up his courage, and began
to propose to her, commencing, Marry me, Minetta. Let me be
candid. I would not cause you pain," Minetta laughed, and said, "You
be candied! you can't. You are made of snips and snails, etc. Girls
only can be candied. Are not they alone made of sugar ? And I do
not like you even a tiny wee bit." Then the choking sounds in Maxwell's
throat were most terrible to listen to. But the saucy Minetta cared not,
only remarking, Don't play at being a crow; though she continued
with more feeling, Perhaps I'm wrong, it sounds more like the thrush.
Leave me. When I marry I marry blue blood!" Then Maxwell wandered
out with a sad, sad sob, and strolled towards the Criterion annexe, where
he supped heartily. He has not suicide; but in his bitter disappoint-
ment swore to be revenged on mankind generally, so sold his compara-
tively respectable business, and started a loan office. "Advances promptly
made "No fees for inquiries!" (of course not); "No security neces-
saryl" "Money always ready I" In this practical manner he revenges
himself, particularly on widows and orphans, entirely, of course, because
he has been disappointed in love. Minetta recks little, and still con-
tinues her sugar and spice frivol. Her father, the alderman, will shortly
want to borrow money. Ha I ha -But, as we are not going in for a
three-volume novel, it may be as well to "dry up here.
"LAMBETH.-THER MILK TRADE.-A boy named Anderson was charged on
remand with stealing a can containing a quantity of milk. The prosecutor stated
that for several weeks he had lost cans of milk which had been left at the doors of
his customers early in the morning. He kept watch one morning, and saw the de-
fendant take a can of milk from a doorway and walk off with it. Mr. De Rutzen
considered that, by the practice of leaving the milk at the doors, the whole of London
was paved, as it were, with temptation. He could have no consideration for milkmen
who carried on this system, and the prisoner would be discharged."
Go out, Matilda Jane; acquire
Some articles that I desire :
Vou won't be lagged for clearing out
With trifles that are "left about."
I see a horse and cart and load
At present standing in the road ;
The owner seeks his two of gin-
Look sharp, Matilda-fetch 'em in !
There's sundry furniture I crave
In Wardour Street, upon the pave;
Acquire it-should they say you nay,
Say good De Rutzen says you may.
That 18-gal. against the wall
Of yonder noted house of call;
Just watch the drayman disappear
Within the door, and roll it here.
And fetch me-with the greatest care-
A lion from Trafalgar Square;
Those bits of bronze, without a doubt,
May be described as "left about."
Go, prowl about-you 're sure to find
A lot of goods of sundry kind
Which (if I rightly use my wits)
That same description aptly fits.
Temptation is a full excuse
For turning to your private use
Unguarded chattels, on the spct-
You ask De Rutzen if it 's not.
And dread Temptation-Virtue's foe-
Waylays us wheresoe'er we go,
And grimly dogs us up and down
In this unhappy London town.
Conceive the things that one could find
To take, if one were so inclined :-
There's London Bridge, and close at hand
The graceful Griffin* in the Strand.
And there's St Paul's-why, folks who shrink
From crime are half afraid to think;
They hurry home in fear and doubt,
Such lots of things are left about.
There we've committed ourselves again. It's force of habit. It isn't a griffin,
we know, it's a dragon, and it keeps all the artistic mert iit possesses its tail.
THE "CLUB" OP HERCULEs.-The L.A.C. of the period.
3 FUN JANUARY 24, 1883.
JANUARY 24, 1883.
PROOF "POSITIVE" PROCESS.
Gentleman on horseback, jocosely.-" Holloa, Negative! You positively going to the meat ?"
,Small Travelling Photo "Artist."-" Yes, sir. Fact is, most o' you genTmen of the Twinklebury Hunt insures in the Hakcidental, and the agent ev a-got
fri' en'd at the claims sent in lately, so he wants ne to get photos of the perkuliar sort o' cattle some o' you gents rides, and the perkuliar sort o' wayyou
rid :s em.
RECENT sentences passed by our metropolitan magistra es in cases of furious
driving have been absurdly inconsistent and contradictory It must have been
noticed by all howv offenders have sometimes escaped with a slight fine; while on
other occasions, by particular magistrates, they have been senate iced to imprisonment
with hard labour.
MR. SNOOKSON was an eminent stipendiary. He was a popular
philosopher, a teetotaler, and a gentleman of great eloquence, and one
who aimed at a knighthood. Possibly, having been originally a brief-
less barrister, he had great sympathy with the poor, and his name not
appearing in Debrett, he was very much down on the indiscretions of
his social superiors.
There is the same law for the rich as for the poor," was his favourite
saying. His knowledge of the laws of his country was not too great, or
possibly he might have arrived at a different opinion.
The two things I intend to put down," he would say at home over
his copy of the Battle Path, are drunkenness and furious driving."
Having never had the means in his early briefless youth to purchase
intoxicating liquors, and not possessing sufficient natural courage to drive
any sort of animal whatever, he had no sympathy with amateur Jehus.
A young man of good family was brought before him for drunkenness
and furious driving. Sergeant Stoutlie gave his evidence : We caught
him a-driving furious; he'd been a-drinking ; he might have druv over
But," said the prisoner, I was only driving a goat.chaise, and I
couldn't pass a four-wheeled cab."
"You couldn't pass a four-wheeled cab ? Then you evidently tried
to," shrieked Mr. Snookson ; furious driving, no doubt."
"I couldn't have driven over anybody," said the young man.
"Yes, yer washup, he could," answered the sergeant; "if anybody
had been a-lying down in the road he might have been driven over
furious and hurt awful. Besides, the prisoner had been a-drinking."
I hadn't a glass of wine since I had my dinner."
Glass of wine at dinner yelled the magistrate; "I've never had
luxuries of that sort. You 're a drunkard, sir I Remember, there's
the same law for the rich as for the poor. Two months, sir, with hard
Then the young man was ruined, and lost all chance of patronage;
but the magistrate when he heard of it only said, "There's the same
law for the rich as for the poor."
One day a coster was brought up before Mr. Snookson for furious
driving and drunkenness. What do you say to the charge, my poor
friend ? asked the magistrate.
Oh, yer washup, 1 on'y 'ad fourteen whiskies, an' I on'y druv four-
teen mile an hour, an' it was on'y a old 'ooman of sixty as I druved over."
"There's the same law for the rich as for the poor," said the magistrate.
'' If this poor man is sent to prison his high sense of honour is hurt.
Every one knows that the costermonger who is given to.drink, rioting,
and petty larceny, has keener feelings than the bloated aristocrat who is
falsely styled a gentleman. I pity you, my poor friend and brother;
only, as you have offended against the laws, you must pay a fine of four-
pence and three-halfpence costs, and three farthings for medical and
surgical expenses for the old woman who was awkward enough to get
in your way."'
So the young gentleman did his two months with hard labour, and
the coster paid his sixpence farthing and went and drove over as many
old women and children as he pleased.
0 wise and upright magistrate I
The late Hablot K. Browne.
WE are pleased to hear that a Memorial Exhibition of the works of
the late Hablot K. Browne (better known, perhaps, as Phiz ") is likely
to be held in the gallery of the Liverpool Art Club during this month.
Our rising generation, we fear, hardly appreciates, or perhaps does not
know the obligation it owes to this talented designer as one of the
founders of modern English book and journal illustration, both senti-
mental and comic. Though his designs were bright and sparkling to
the last, poor Phiz was one of the many great men who have outlived
their time, and in his latter days deserved greater recognition from the
public than he obtained.
SIR FREDERICK LEIGHTON, P.R.A., INVESTING A
W To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.
40 FU N. JANUARY 24. 1883.
A "WAITY" QUESTION.
Miss Prunella Probert.-" WELL, NO, MRS. GRIKLINGS, I TELL YOU CANDIDLY HE IS NOT QUITE THE STYLE OF YOUTH I ADVER.
TISED FOR, AND AS TO HIS CAPABILITIES, NOW; HAS HE LEARNED TO WAIT AT THE DINNER-TABLE AT ALL ?"
Mrs. Griklings.-"1OH, LOR' BLESS YOU, YES, MISS I THAT'S JUST WHAT OUR SAMMY 'AVE LEARNED; FOR, SEEIN' AS HE WAS
INCLINED TO BE GREEDY LIKE AS A CHILD, ME AN' HIS FATHER 'AVE MADE A PINT 0' MAKING' HIM WAIT TILL AFTER ALL HIS
SISTERS 'AVE BEEN HELPED LEASTWAYS, MISS, EXCEPT WHEN IT'S ROLEY-POLEY, AS IS HIS FAVORITE PUDDIN'; AND AS TO
MAKING' HIM WAIT FOR THAT, WELL, MISS, I HAVEN'TT THE 'ART TO DO IT, AN' THAT'S THE HONEST TRUTH "
On her Metal
"TALK about a pair-o'-docks' exclaimed Mrs. McMuddle;
"though what docks has to do with it at all I can't make out ;-it do
seem to me most redicklus that they should invent a new metal with
the maximum' of durability, as they calls it, and then go and name
it alu-' minimum.' It's simply absurd, that's what it is."
IT is said that since the Curfew Clause came into operation in Ireland
all the places of amusement there have been doing big business. Such a
state ot things is likely to oc-Cur-few times, one would think. By-the-bye,
will those who are brought up for trying to evade the clause be called
Cur-few-gitives? If the new law can do anything to check the Irish
outragemonger it will be welcome ; he is a Cur-few would mind kicking.
WHEELY RACY.-A Cockney Bicycle Meet.-Weal and rolls.
FUN'S FTJTTY "BOOtS.
FULL OF COMIC PICTURES. One Shilling each; fost-free, is. 21d.
FUN'8 COMICAL CREATURES.--coMIc PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
"In which some amusing prose and verse serve as accompaniment to more than six score of very
amusing woodcuts, from grotesque drawings of animals by Ernest Griset.'-IVeekly Dispatct.
FUN'S HOLIDAY BOOK,-coMic PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
" It is replete with wit and humour, and admirably suited for leisure reading."-Doncalter Gazette.
FUN ON THE SANDS.-coMic PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
For the road, rail, and river.
THE ESSENCE OF FUN.-comic PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
Rich in illustrations and teeming with jokes."-Sportsman.
THE CREAM OF FUN.-coMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
"The most mirth--moving shillingsworth published."
THE EXTRACT OF FUN.-cOMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
"Admirably fitted to while away an hour or two of a tedious railway journey."
"FUN" OFF ICE, FLEET STRT..ET. LONDON. EC.
JOHN HEATH'S COLD EN
COATED PENS. i d
ELEGANT! CLEAN! DURABLE! C ULo s
INK AND RUST DEFYING. Jl
In s. Boxes, of all Stationers. Cocoa thickens in the
J. H., on receipt of stamped envelope, and one extra coa thickes the
stamp, will send a Sample Card of Four Pens for trial. cup, it proves the ad-ch.
Any selection, please order of Stationers. Starch.o
JOHN HEATH, 70 George Street, Birmingham. PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING 1ll
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, January 24th, 1883.
PRIDE HAS ANOTHER FALL.
Mrs. WoodbeeYoffington.-" PERCY, MY DARLING, WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SHERRY OR CLARET?"
Percy darling.-" NEVER TASTED ANY. DON'T THINK I SHOULD LIKE CLARET, THOUGH; FOR WHEN YOU SENT ME INTO THE
GROCER'S WITH THAT SHILLING TO BUY THE BOTTLE, I HEARD ONE MAN WHISPER LOW TO THE OTHER, "ERE'S ANOTHER
JUGGINS FUR A" BOTTLE OF COLD PIZEN;' THEN THEY LAUGHED." [Mrs. W. T. didn't, though.
True to the (En)CoreI
THERE were disgraceful proceedings at Mr. Sims Reeves' concert at
Croydon the other night, when the eminent tenor refused to accede to
the demand for an encore. The noisy persons and Mr. Reeves can
hardly be said to have been en-cor(e)dial terms. The behaviour of some
of the audience was, to use a Gallicism, simply bis-tly.
THE "resignation" of the French Ministry seems hardly the correct
term. They certainly appear anything but "resigned," as events Du-
dclerc-ly show. Voyez'?
Born January 6th, 1832. Died January 23rd, 1883.
THE great French artist, whose pictorial skill
Compelled men's admiration far and wide,
Whose works abroad and here were viewed with pride,
Has passed away; his magic brush is still.
That brilliant draughtsman, who charmed thousands, will
No longer charm; for thus doth Death decide.
He in Life's studio played a busy part,
With wondrous humour and with fancy keen,
And from the Sacred Book full many a scene
Did he delineate with reverent art.
How quaintly, too, did he depict the Don!
And Milton's epic of Satanic strife
Was limned with power by him who now has gone,
Too early ending his laborious life I
A Nice Sample I
ACCORDING to the paper, both passengers and crew bitterly complain
of the exorbitant demands made by the fishing-boat owners of County
Down, on the occasion of the wreck of the Wild Deer, "'one of the
crew remarking that he had been wrecked no less than seven times, and
yet he had never witnessed such an amount of barbarity as was displayed
by the County Down men. He alleges that, when their boats went along-
side of the stranded vessel, they coolly demanded one pound per head
for every passenger landed; then they lowered their demands to five
pounds for every fifteen passengers taken ashore." There may be some
mistake about it; let us hope there is, for goodness sake I
If not, the tendency of the county as set forth in its name being in-
capable of further development in the indicated direction, we would
suggest a slight "upward tendency" in the scale of humanity on the
part of the fisherfolk thereabouts. We confess that it must be a work
of some time to climb from the unfathomable depths of sordid degrada-
tion in which these gentry seem to be plunged, but we will live in hopes
of some day hearing better accounts of the fishing-boat owners of
A MR. HUSTON, of Pennsylvania, is building himself a mansion to
be constructed entirely of iron. Even the floors will consist of polished
cast-iron tiles. It ought to be, when finished, quite afer-y dwelling.
T.T. on the High C.O.
THERE are 4,934,000 lbs. of Indian tea on their way to this country.
This must be a teas-ing piece of information for China. But what sur-
prises us is how we find "U.U." for all the "T,T." that come to this
VOL. XXXVII--NO. 925
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
H A T Shake-
I Tspeare's Co-
tmedy of Errors
is a farce is not
I some of the
in the hands of
\ exponents who
cpmake a show
what might be
1 expected of the
ordinary run of
an actor (or ac-
Stress) who dis-
T.IE SrRANn.-SOLINLEUS, THE SO-LENIENT, AND IEGEON, ligence in other
IEGE'NTLEMAN YGEON, IF NOT AGED. fields should
generally lose it all directly he (or she) "gets into Shakespeare," I can-
not pretend to say : it may be the blank verse, but in nine cases out of
ten they seem in a glorious state of ignorance
as to what they are talking about (which the
audience soon finds infectious): their whole
anxiety seems centred in letting us know that
they are talking in blank verse, whereas if
they were to transfer the anxiety to the aims,
and ends, and depths of the characters, and
let the blank verse shift for itself, the result
might be mote advantageous to the cause of
art, and more conducive to the pleasure of
the spectator. It would be, perhaps, unfair
to rigidly apply these general remarks to the
company now playing at the Strand, although
they are applicable to a considerable extent.
Setting aside the performances of Mr. Clarke,
Mr. Paulton, and perhaps Mr. Pennington,
there is a want of heart and depth in the por-
trayal of the prominent characters which is
distressing, though partially relieved by the
fairly respectable and consistent performance
of Mr. F. Charles, and a rather well-played
last act by Miss H. Lindley.
By rather lavish "cuts" and other mani-
pulation (Mr. Clarke is credited with the THE STRAND.-CLARKE'S
deed), the piece is reduced to compact limits,
to the advantage of the story in briskness of action; but the peaceful
-. which some
C 1 '1' daring interpo-.
made is rather
I- more interest-
ing than admi-
I'm not very
sure that I con-
I ,crime to take
b liberties with
the Dromio of
Syracuse is a
in every sense
-it satisfies to
THE STRAND.-MR. Ladi GORDON IN A FAVOURITE ACT. the full the
call for art and
the call for amusement; the peculiarities of his rich humour "fit in"
JT JANUARY 31, I883.
exactly with the part, which he has, it is evident, studied closely, and
which he plays f
with an unc-
tion both of its
which is emi- J
ing and accept-
Paulton, as his s
twin brother, I
displays consi- i
derable hu- /
mour of his \ l
slower and S
not the least -
of his points
being his imi-
tation of some
of Mr. Clarke's
even voice. A THE STRAND.-MISS CARE (A LITTLE CAREWD), AND
word for Mr. MR. HAYNES (A GOOD ACTOR AT A PINCH).
Pennington's very praiseworthy rendering of a difficult part, both elocu-
tionally and dramatically, and something more than a word for the Hon.
Lewis Wingfield's beautiful and striking cos-
tumes, finishes what I have to say on the sub-
ject. Mr. Clarke's phenomenally funny per-
formance of Toodles concludes the programme,
and should be seen at all costs.
There seems rather a run of benefits and
matindes just now-not that I've matinde
difficulty in finding good reasons why they
should be supported. About the time these
lines appear, many clever friends, including
Mrs. Kendal, Miss Genevieve Ward, Miss
Ada Cavendish, and Mr. Hermann Vezin (sure
to be good if Vezin it 1), will be exerting
themselves at the Gaiety for the benefit of
Miss Le Thibre. On the afternoon of the 31st
an extremely strongly-cast performance of
Ewfarried Lie and Uncle's Willwill take place
at the same theatre to introduce a new aspi-
rant, Mr. Gilbert Farquhar, to public notice
-I know-'t is so. The follow ing afternoon at
the same place (good old time they 're having
-- at the Gaiety I) Miss Laura Villiers will aspire
as Iolanthe in King RenJs Daughter, with
EDITION (" WITH CUTS') the assistance of Mrs. Hermann Vezin as Mrs.
Oakley in The jealous Wife. Villiers see the
chance and miss it? Lastly (up to the time of writing), Miss Fanny
take a farewell
benefit at the
I trust that she "
wi l fare well, if
that is of Fanny
Hughes to her.
night of the 1
vival of The Rii.
vals was cele-
day last, when
the piece, which
now has Mrs.
tive of Mrs.
Malaprop, has THE STRAND.-FAIR EPHESIANCV.
ance of a capability of doing another fifty on its head." NESTOR.
JANUARY 3!, I883. FU N 43
OFF TO THE "MEET."
This trio of equestrians on animals so The groom attends the youthful squire, Bat, lo! the fiery untamed steed, who But, touching that symmetric steed,
to figure at the meet" he like a meet-er flies, he'll win it by a "head." that t hereby hangs a tail steed,
to figure at the "meet." he like a meet-nor flies. he' 11 win it by a "head." that "' thereby hangs a tail !
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON THE WEARING OF
OF course you have noticed the discussion going on of late, Sir, as to
the wearing of medals and other marks of personal distinction in society
by its members generally, who do not see why military men and politi-
cians should alone wear costly gewgaws upon their bosoms. Oxford
professors think that if generals can wear their medals, they should be
able to wear theirs; and, in short, I have been amusing myself, Sir, by
writing an imaginary account from a society journal of the future of a
coming At Home" when the prevalent tendency shall have been duly
extended. I shall expect to read something of this kind :-
From the Mayfair Miscellany for February, 1884.
"The brilliant salons of the Minister were now crowded with guests,
scarcely one of whom was without some glittering decoration. Military
men and knights of the various orders were there, of course, by scores,
but they were a familiar sight, and public attention was directed rather
to less normal developments of the human love of display.
"No one in the room attracted more attention than a tall and stout
old gentleman whose chest was not only covered with a succession of
gold medals as large as small cheese-plates, but whose back was also
profusely adorned with silver and bronze discs of a similar size. Nor
did he long remain unknown, for the word was quickly passed that he
was Mr. Timothy Frappinger, the senior partner in the well-known firm
of Frappinger and Medlicobb, the great pickle-makers, and that every
one of the Prize Exhibition medals he so proudly wore had been awarded
to his house for the exceptional excellence of its pickled walnuts.
"Much interest was shown, too, in the appearance of Doctor Amos
Larkins, the orthopaedic specialist, for not content with wearing in every
buttonhole one of the medals gained by him at the various stages of his
brilliant professional career, he had had his physician's diploma incor-
porated most ingeniously with his shirt-front.
In respect of medals, the various learned professions present quite
managed to hold their own, though it was noticed as a curious fact that
it was the popular sporting baronet, Sir Ashford Cinderton, who was
able to claim top score with his medals, for thanks to his ownership of
Master Walter, the champion Dachs-hound, he carried not less than
fifty-three of various sizes somewhere or another about his person.
"Racing men were distinctly at a disadvantage, for though many of
them were possessed of numerous cups and plates they had carried off
on the turf, they had found it impossible to attach any of them to any
part of their bodies. One ingenious sportsman, the Earl of Caledonia,
had indeed ordered two flunkeys to attend him to the reception and to
walk close behind him, carrying on a large butler's tray a selection of
the most massive trophies he had won ; but as it was impossible for the
footmen to remain close to their master, the result was that some acci-
dentally intervening guest often got the credit of the display of silver.
"Royal Humane Society medals were quite common, and the full
regalia of the Freemasons, Odd Fellows, Good Templars, &c., blazed
on many a manly chest. Sir Raffles Rufflehead, the eminent philanthro-
pist, wore with marked effect a collar composed of silver presentation
trowels. Quaintly ingenious was the plan of the Rev. Dr. Quackenboss,
who, unable to wear the presentation silver tea services, the gifts of suc-
cessive congregations, sported a cream ewer in his buttonhole.
It was felt to be questionable taste, however, in a certain youthful scion
of a noble house, who, in default of other decorations, wore a judgment
summons pinned to his coat-lappel; whilst it will show the extent to
which the existing rage for display has gone when we add that the
chairman of the St. Polybubs Silver Mines (Limited) put in an appear-
ance with a Winding-up Order displayed upon his manly chest. It was
felt that the craze for the wearing of decorations could not further go."
Now, Sir, I could continue the extract indefinitely, but I need not do
so. But I think you will admit that the foregoing is but a fair descrip-
tion of what the logical end of the development of existing regulations
as to the wearing of medals, &c., would be.
Some more remarks (and not the last) upon the Waterloo Cup.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
DEAR SIR,-It may appear to you, in turning your attention to what
I may call my Cup remarks," that I am only having larks I Indeed,
it's nothing of the kind; I simply can't make up my mind. One mo-
ment, every thought I own prefers the chance of Mr. Stone, and I am
cheerful, proud, and gay; the next-I throw that Stone away. The
trick can then alone be done by Hornpipe (Lord of Haddington), anon
I scorn that lady's chance for leading me a useless dance, and as at her
my lip is curled I feel to conquer all the world that Alexander is the
man. And so I chop, and change, and plan, until I don't know what
to do; but in a state of discontent, arrange myself for giving vent, with
puzzled brow and doubtful lip, to this
To cast upon the dogs a glance-
They '11 dance a lead who lead a dance.
And vivid chance her flag unfurls
For variously christened girls;
But whether she who flavours ice,
Or she who makes (the choice is nice),
Or she who lights, shall lead the way,
I do not undertake to say.
I do not look to make a loss
On A-thos (or it's p'r'aps A-thos) ;
There's more than I should like to say
In Mr. For'ard-and-away,
And if so be as Gladys should
Behave as only Gladys could,
I do not think you '11 often see
A fellow half as Gladys me.
Which, for the present, ends my rhyme and all I have to say this time,
and so "good bye" just now, old cuss. I 'm yours till death,
IT is with very sincere regret we see the announcement of Gustave
Dord's death, which took place in Paris, after a few days' illness, on the
23rd instant. As he had so many admirers on this side of the Channel
who fully appreciated his genius, we are glad to see Messrs. F. Warne
and Co. announce a small collection of this great artist's comic sketches,
which will doubtless be very largely bought, as it was upon these humorous
sketches that his great reputation was originally built.
44 FPT N. JANUARY 31, 1883.
"The Princess of Wales is at the head of a conspiracy to Boycott Hurlingham until
the Gun Club shall give up slaughtering pigeons."-See Newsfafiers.
HOORAY we shall not see again
The vile old times, Matilda Jane!
Matilda Jane, the base old times
Were marked by most revolting crimes,
And cruelty was deep of root-
Let's go to Hurlingham and shoot.
And as we wend our way thereto
I '11 tell you what they used to do,
I'll tell of all the cruel ways
Of those departed, bad old days.
Your blood will curdle while en route
To lively Hurlingham to shoot.
They were accustomed, I declare
Most solemnly, to bait the bear-
To bait the bear, and give him pain-
They were, indeed, Matilda Jane.
At such degraded sport we hoot;
And so to Hurlingham to shoot.
They had a habit-how it shocks !-
Of shying at defenceless cocks;
Just think, Matilda-with a stick I
The thought's enough to make you sick;
The act unworthy of a brute-
But come I To Hurlingham to shoot.
They'd hunt a bull along a lane
Until the beast would grow insane,
And (as intended) gore and slay
The peaceful people on its way.
There's sport-and murder in to boot-
This way to Hurlingham to shoot.
The list of their misdoings mocks
The memory-the fights of cocks,
The quails incensed by bits of rag,
The two tom-cats within the bag.
Too painful is the theme to moot;
Let's go to Hurlingham and shoot.
They used-it gives me pain-but there
They used to hunt the fox and hare,
And lavish fortunes for the treat
Of killing things they couldn't eat-
A truly worthy kind of loot I-
But let's to Hurlingham to shcot.
But there, Matilda, clear your brow ;
Such cruel sports are banished now,
And man no longer seems to gain
His chief delight by giving pain.
As mild humanity's recruit,
He goes to Hurlingham to shoot.
A Lusus NATUR/F.-The red deer that turned to bay.
No. III.-ANNIE DE MONTREVEL.
As a matter of course we venerate "blue blood :" knowledge of the
possession of this cerulean fluid enables the holder, whether male or
female, to go through life in a superior way-the cerulean fluid will fur-
nish the owner with a faculty for looking through Life's telescope at the
big end, and gazing at his or her fellow-mortals (not blue-bloodists) as
remarkably small barnacles stuck on society's rudder. -
"What boots it" that the originator of your blue blood before he
came over with the Conqueror was noted as a cleaner of rusty armour,
or an adept and well-skilled workman in removing live men's skins when
ordered to do so by his master? "What boots it" that he acquired
his lands in this country by the deliberate murder of the original'pro-
prietor of the said lands ?
Perhaps it "boots very little, as the 0. P. (a flaxen Saxon) probably
also assassinated any party who annoyed him in the most approved
manner of the period. Yes, the proprietor or proprietress of cobalt,
Prussian, French, or any other blue blood should never forget ownership.
Annie de Montrevel was delicate, and her father, Captain de Mon-
trevel, thought that a trip to Homburg might revive her.
The captain also had an eye to business : he could play Nap or poker
and various other little games with strange dexterity. The captain had
blue blood, though; almost blue-black some scoffists said, as they insinu-
ated he was a blackleg." The captain resolved that his daughter
should never marry a low plebeian, and Annie accorded with his decision.
Sir Samuel Burrett began life as a shopkeeper in Crawlchester.
Samuel flourished in the candle, soap, and starch line, till his retail
became a wholesale business, and Samuel became Mayor of Crawl-
chester. During his mayoralty, Royalty laid the foundation stone of
some Crawlchester public building, so naturally Samuel received the
honour of knighthood. Sir Samuel educated his only son well, and
afterwards sent him to travel on the Continent. The youth arrived in
Homburg at the time the De Montrevels were staying there. The cap-
tain naturally "rooked" Samuel. Annie naturally made love to him.
The young man had once casually mentioned that he was the son of
Sir Samuel Burrett. Ah," said the captain, "fine old stock. Father
second cousin to the Duke of Muffington. Marry him, my gyurl-you
may be a duchess some day."
While drinking chalybeate and saline waters together, Samuel pro-
posed and was accepted. Sir Samuel came over to see the young people.
"'Ow are yer ? he remarked on meeting the captain.
"You are not the baronet? said the captain.
"No," replied the merchant, I 'm a knight, and in the taller line."
Then a scene ensued, blue blood and blue fire; and the tallow mer-
chant tweaked the aristocratic captain's nose, a hard tweak .too.
Then Annie Montrevel fainted when she heard what a narrow escape
she had had. She and the captain left Homburg the next day, the
captain scorning to pay the low young plebeian the two hundred pounds
he owed him; young Samuel went home with his pa, and set steadily to
work as if he had never been in love. He had no sentiment, being a
plebeian. What a strange world it is I
A VALUABLE FORM OF SPEECH.--" Uttering" cheques.
TEMPERANCE FOR THE ARMY.
WHAT ho! ye gallant privates all!"
The General he cries,
"Hearken to Hydropotia's call,
And be in season wise.
Renounce your sips without your sups-
Attention! Stand at ease!-
Exchange your glasses for your cups,
And come and take your teas.
"The snares of alcohol, we know,
Are very, very great;
But surely he's the stoutest foe
Who most is temperate.
Commissioned officers, of course,
Do never drink too much,
And, their example to endorse,
You should behave as such.
It may be I have lent my aid
To cultivate 'The Vine,'
Whereby facilities are made
For purchases of wine.
What odds ? The theory's the same,
And excellent for sots;
So come, my lads, earn sober fame,
And be good Hydropots!"
ARY 31, 1883.
TEMPERANCE FOR THE ARMBVIEW OF THE "HYDROPOTS."
Lord Wolseley.-"A MOST EXCELLENT THING FOR YOU, MY FRIEND R MYSELF-AHEM!-1N VINO CLUB VERITAS. BUT NO MATTER."
71. a -
THE Legitimist bogie arose from its lair
In the far Breton wilds where it liveth on air,
And it said to itself, I will thoroughly scare
The wicked but witless Parisian.
I'll tell him my parks are artillery parks,
That a wild dog of war is each watch dog that barks;
And you'll see whether he after these few remarks
Thinks the Elysde's position Elysian."
The Orleans Chimaera projected its-head,
And observed, There are people who think I am dead,
Whose blue funks are caused but by white and by red.
They don't know I 've conquered the navy;
They don't know the army is thoroughly mine;
That three thousand papers I pay by the line;
They haven't the slightest suspicion, in fine,
That I've recently bought off Jules Grdvy."
The Bonaparte phantom displayed his moustache,
And he said, You may think I am stupidly rash;
But I know your Republic coming a crash,
And I've made all things square for succeeding.
Of course the great Captain inspires all our men,
And they mostly believe he will come back again;
But we wish, some of us, that our new Captain Pen,
That's Plon-Plon, was not now mis-leading."
The Anarchist spectre, 'mid dynamite fumes,
Made known, We have made out your separate dooms,
And a general squash pretty nearly resumes
Our decision, arrived at in dander,
Evoked by the sentence on sweet Krapotkin,
By Louise Michel's most melodious din;
But hear this and weep, 0 you Philistines' kin,
We're all kept by the Czar Alexander."
JANUARY 31, I883, FUN. 49
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NEw SERIES. NO. 31.-A SONG OF PECULIARITY.
AIR.-"It don't interfere with our Meals."
You may tell us that Gladstone's initials
Are resting awhile, if you like;
You may tell us that railway officials
Have gone out, for ever, on strike;
And we'll show, as you'll maybe expect us,
A reflex in manner and mood;
But you'll never-no, never-detect us
Neglecting our regular food.
0-h I Whatever the future conceals,
And whatever Fortuna reveals,
Though we laugh or (it maybe)
We cry (like a baby),
It don't interfere with our meals.
Though the Cri' has been closed (as it ought to),
And the laugh has against it been raised,
Though Irish arrests have been brought to
A pitch that can't be over-praised;
Although the wild Legitimatist
Is doing a little conspire,
Although the Skye crofterses' latest
Is setting the Highlands on fire;
An--d I Although the Cape Parliament deals
With Basutoland's claims and appeals,
And we take all the news with
The air it embues with,
It don't interfere with our meals.
Let the Marquis of Hartington tell us
His notions on this and on that,
And let his opponents impel us
To wonder whatever they're at;
Let the best of all England's princesses
The fluttering pigeon protect
(One need not be clever at guesses
To say She '11 succeed, I expect ").
A- h I But though the bold Briton reveals
The sort of respect that he feels
By sending careering
A whirlwind of cheering,
It don't intefere with his meals.
Though the clergy receive from the Pontiff
A letter on Irish affairs-
At the Law Courts you'll get what you want (if
You don't get mislaid on the stairs)-
Krapotkine escapes very lightly,
Two barracks are robbed in a day,
And earthquakes are rousing us nightly,
I 'm stating a fact when I say,
O- h I Though Nature should kick up her heels,
And though to our bosom there steals
A limitless ocean
Of seething emotion,
don't interfere with our meals.
A PAINFUL SUBJECT.
THERE was a worthy naturalist who believed in the Darwinian theory,
and he was troubled because of the long time it took for the anthropoid
ape to attain to his ultimate glorious development; until at length he
convinced himself that if the job were only intelligently taken in hand
by a person of persuasive address, they might be persuaded to complete
their development at once.
So he packed a bag with the appendages of civilization and went
out on the mission, feeling himself to be the most competent person he
knew. He was unrewarded with any success for a time, owing to tra-
ditions among the anthropoids that there were drawbacks to the privi-
lege of being a man; however, the ways of the professor being winning,
they began to listen to his arguments in time, and at a favourable op-
portunity he produced his bag, and drew out the first appendage of
civilized humanity to hand. We don't remember what it was-some-
thing pleasant and desirable; possibly an omnibus, or consumption,
or a music hall comique, or the water rates; but the naturalist handed
it to the anthropoids to examine, and it grew upon them so that they
wanted to order in a lot at once; but the naturalist explained that it was
useless to supply such things to anthropoids, and that they must become
men to appreciate them. And they began to see this. At intervals he
drew out fresh appendages from his bag, but always one at a time, in
order to let the anthropoids properly digest each one. The anthropoids
were really beginning to think seriously of the naturalist's advice, but
there was still one thing that made them suspicious as to all not being
right, and that was that he always hurriedly shut his bag after taking
out anything, yet not hurriedly enough to prevent the escape of a very
offensive moral odour-an indescribable odour which caused the anthro-
poids (who were not very fussy as to smells) to hold their noses and
feel sick. At last they determined to have it out with the professor
before going any further.
What's this beastly thing you have in that bag ?" they said.
The naturalist pretended not to hear; but they repeated the question.
Eh? he said. "Oh-a-well, I assure you I haven't anything in
the bag." Then he muttered to himself, "Very awkward Wouldn't
have brought that for the world; must have got in by mistake.
"But you have," said the anthropoids; "we can smell it-out with it !"
The naturalist saw he was in for it, and when the anthropoids had
retired to a little distance, holding their noses, he inverted the bag and
allowed the object to fall out. The moral smell was so nauseating,
that those anthropoids nearly fainted. The thing was as unpleasant in
its aspect as in its smell, and imparted a feeling of the most hideous
repuIs that one of the appendages of civilization?" asked the anthropoids.
"How ever can you touch it? Doesn't it make you sick?"
Well," said the professor, making a clean breast of it, "we've tried
hard, but we find we are obliged to have it. We don't touch it-we
take it up with a pair of tongs and drop it as quickly as we can. It
certainly does make decent persons feel a little sick at times, especially
when let loose on a female witness. It is an unavoidable blot on civili-
zation-an indispensable sore, if I may say so. We use it-at tongs'
length-to blacken the character of innocent persons in law courts, and
then put it out of sight, mind, and smell. We call it an 'Eminent
Counsel,' and it is to be found in all really civilized countries. But
you must try and forget it-you really must-it isn't always- "
But it was all over with the naturalist's pet scheme. The anthropoids
came to a decision on the spot. In fact, the thing so ate into their minds
-though their minds were not very particular-that they gradually sank
back to the condition of zoophytes.
JANUARY 31, 1883
Lean and Slippered Party.-" UGH! WHEREVER HAVE YOU BEEN,
MATILDA? A-SWEETHEARTING WITH YOUR YOUNG MAN, I S'POSE THAT'S
ABOUT IT. AND HERE 'S MY CUSHION BEEN A-SLIPPING DOWN, AND MY
GRUEL 'S BEEN A-BOILING OVER TILL-TILL--"
Matilda.-" TILL YOU'VE BEEN BOILING OVER TOO, EH, GRAND-
FATHER? BUT THERE, NEVER MIND, I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT HE GAVE
L. and S. Party.-" WHAT'S THAT? A 'ARF A OUNCE OF BACCAA?"
Matilda.-"No, GRANDFATHER-A KISS I "
L. and S. Party.-" UGH! A LOT 0' GOOD THAT IS TO A INVALID
LIKE ME, AIN'T IT ? [But he took it, nevertheless,
THE announcement that there are to be free days for viewing St. Paul's has caused
much consternation among the vergers, sextons, and others, of the cathedrals through-
out the United Kingdom. They fear that free admittance to all public buildings will
possibly become general.
A MEETING of delegates, selected by the vergers, sextons, and guides
of the United Kingdom, was held at the Pig and Whistle, Drury Lane.
The chair was taken by Mr. Silverseek, the chief verger of St. Barabbas.
Addressing the meeting, Mr. Silverseek remarked, "Gentlemen, we
have met here in this here hall to protest agin the levellin' and unscroo-
perlus ideas of some of the most disgusting' members of the Church.
They wishes that the cathedrals should be opened for nothing, and that no
gratooities be took by the wergers, sextants, and other 'igh officials "
(groans). "This, gentlemen, is a hinsult both to the livin' and the dead.
It is a hinsult to us, as it infers that we ain't worth nothing if we mustn't
have nothing. It's a insult to the great luminated dead. 'Cos why?
Think er the waults in St. Paul's. It's as much as saying the Dook o'
Wellington wasn't up to nothing if you says as 'ow 'is tomb ain't worth
paying' a shillin' for to look at, let alone sixpence to the sextant. Why,
the tomb of sich a hero as that ought never to be showed under a dollar,
and two shillin's for the pusson as showed it. Tombs and mooral monu-
ments ain't nothing to do with the lower orders. If you wants to see
The Noted 'Change.
(With apologies to Mr. Tennyson.)
HE hurried through each crowded spot,
His temper crusty"-full of gall-
Then said this Bull" (this City pot"),
"The stocks continue still to fall."
His countenance looked sad and strange,
No ray of hope it seemed to catch,
And no repast he stayed to snatch,
But hurried to the Stock Exchange.
He murmured, "Ah, my life is dreary,
That rise comes not," he said;
"The House has made me weary, weary,
Would I were in bed I"
He groaned in grief ; no joyous leaven'
Seemed to alleviate his woe;
"By Jove," he cried, "' Chinese' are seven
Less than they were a month ago I"
And then his erewhile glossy hat
He bashed upon his head awry,
And said, "Alas oh, why am I
Thus swindled ? All the market's flat. '
Again he moaned, The day is dreary,
It cometh not," he said;
Once my heart was cheery, cheery,
Now it's more like lead I
Ah, me I my hair is turning white,
It once was black as any crow;
Those 'Mexicans' are far from right,
Egyptian Unified' is low.
Ah, lower still the 'prices' range,
I shall be ruined, lost, forlorn, -
The Bears' will gloat to-morrow morn;
Oh, hang the horrid Stock Exchange I
Oh, never more shall I be cheery,
A rise comes not," he said.
"Shall I again be merry? Query?
I'm going off my head I "
IF you meet a man who is always quite ready to die, you
may be very certain that he is the last man who really wishes
to depart. Thousands during the agonies of gout, for instance,
wish to turn up their toes. These are usually unenlightened
beings who are unacquainted with Dr. Scott's "Guide to
Health," published by the Pall Mall Electric Association,
Limited. The price of Dr. Scott's little book is one shilling.
It tends to show the advantages of electropathy as a curative
power in all diseases, not only in gout,-we only introduced
gout because we thought a joke might be got out of it.
Chateau Scott, wha hae I
MR. GLADSTONE is staying at the Chateau Scott. Of
course the Scott" in question is a "canny one, though it
is not so stated. All "Scotts" at Cannes" are necessarily so.
a dead king's sarcoffeegas, you must pay for it jist the same as the opera,
or any other place of amoosement devoted to the eddicated classes."
An aged gentleman here arose and, catching the eye of the chairman,
observed, I am a old and decrepit werger, long retired from bisness.
I never thought as 'ow I should live to see the day when country cousins
sucked peppermints and stared at the tomb of Hedward the Confesser
for nothing. What's the good o' Westminster and St. Paul's and Can-
terbury unless they fetches in some money for honest folk like ourselves?
People a-wantin' to see the moniments of the country for nothing I
They won't be a-respectin' of anything, and '11 want to see everything.
They '11 be a-knockin' at the door of dooks' 'ouses and a-sayin', 'Good
morning dook I we want to see the portraits of yer hancesters, and would
yer mind trotting out the family ghost ? and p'r'aps while yer about it
draw us a jug o' beer and cut a cold sandwidge or two !'"
Subsequently the meeting adjourned, but not before a resolution was
passed "That the free opening of the cathedrals was a revolutionary
measure, useless to the public, and redoocin' of the profits of the
wergers and sextants, who by right o' prescription ought to be considered
before the whole of the ill-eddicated classes."
Then under the glare of'the Lemonsquash Music Hall-that self-
same night-Silverseek tuned up his violin (with a fiendish chuckle).
Silverseek is human who combines work and PLAY in ajudicious manner.
JANUARY 31, 1883. FU N 51
THE "TRADE-CUSTOM" SWINDLE AGAIN.
The thing known as the "Trade-Custom" develops new and interesting phases daily. It has now become practically recognized by the law as a plan by which
any act that would constitute a fraud if done by a single trader, becomes an honest transaction when done by many traders. The Trade now has the legal right to
call anything anything else, provided it agrees to do so; the customer being meanwhile in the dark as to the new title. This is how it works:-
The Trade, let us say, agree to "recognize an oyster as a "gold watch.'
"Look here !" says he, returning next day; "you ve given me an oyster !" "Gold watch, sir," replies the trader; "universally recognized by the Trade as such.
You have no remedy, I assure you." And, by Jove, the customer has no remedy Ask your solicitor.
W To CoRRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or bay for Contributions. In no case will they be reur ied unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed enve ofe.
52 F U N JANUARY 31, 1883
AuntieEe.-"AND HOW IS IT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, THEN?
AMaud (still more demurely).-"'Cos YOU SAID I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, AUNTIE EFFIE."
NEW LEAVES. GUSTAVE DORE.
"How to Learn the Pianoforte," by Emanuel Aguilar (Groombridge
and Sons).-This is a book full of good sound practical advice and in- -
struction, that will enlighten the minds and lighten the labours of both T W ET CHES
teachers and learners of the pianoforte. TWO HUNDRED S -TCHES
The Antiquary is full of "antient lore; and, lor' I it is as fresh and .
vigorous as if were new. HUMOROUS AND GROTESQUE
The Bibliogi apher.-In this the curious may revel in reading about
libraries and books. By GUSTAVE DORE.
The Century is a mine of intellectual wealth, which can be bot h yours
and mine. See "The Debt of Science to Darwin." --------
St. Nicholas.-For high quality in its contents, runs neck and neck PRICE THREE SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE.
with The Century. This month it contains a head of pract Elizabeth Butadvice and in-
ter" uct(Miss Thompson), with a literary sktch of her, written by her Tf N bE S K ET H ES
teachers and learneade s early refutation
WE read that Mr. Coke has been re-elected as Senator for Texas. "As a grotesque designer he has no living rival."-Atlenaum.
We gassed" he would not be left" and, out in the co(a)ld as Mr.
Goschen says he is. We suppose any one objecting to Coke's electionut
would have had his a at stove of in, and be called un-grate-ful. FREDERICK WARNE &CO., bothBedford Street, Strand, WC.
"and miThe CL Debt o ScienBlack Lead." arwin."
JAMES' GOLD MEDAL
Successive awards month it contains a head of "Elizabeth But.
for Excellence ofmpon), with a literary sketch of her, written by her
Cleanliness use. C c ocoa thickens in the
.rAAmade his en arcly reoutaaon.c
BL A C K L E A D sadpe .ipt-=e s .pst thetfh ea
LACK oLE o. yne ADMenPess. SixPrLzeMedalsawaCdcd.aAssC
BEWARE of Worthless Imitations. SampleB .;posthee,7stmpstothrorksBitwingham PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING Ill
FEBRUARY 7, 1883. FUN. 53
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.
M. Aufrere (Hatter).-" OH, THAT FELLOW, SMEETH, SELL YOU 'ATS FOR THIRTY SCHILLING, EH? BAH I MAJERE, HE NO
MAKE 'ATS AT ALL. IT REEKWIRE A REAL ARTEEST, VOUS SAVEZ, TO MAKE DE BRIM OF 'IM CURL, COMME-CA?"
The Major.-" I THINK I MUST GIVE SMEETH, AS YOU CALL HIM, A TURN ALL THE SAME."
AM. Aufrere.-" VARY VELL, MPJERE, YOU MUST GO, IF YOU WILL, LIKE YOUR FRENT, MISTAKE VILLOWBY."
The Major.-" OH! THEN WILLOUGHBY LEFT YOU, AUFRERE, DID HE?"
/f. Ar fme.-"MAIS OUI, MONSIEUR! OH, YES, HE WENT TO DAT STUPID SMEETH. AH I AN' HE COME BOCK AGIN, TOO, IN
VAT' YOU CALL POSTASTE, AN' HE SAY, IN A VARE TRISTE TONE, 'AUFRERE, MON AMI,' HE SAY, 'I'M COME BACK FOR THE
"CURL I LEFT BEHIND ME I"'"
The Major.-"WELL, TO AVOID SUCH A HUMILIATING RESULT, AUFRERE, I THINK I WILL FIX ON THIS 'CURL,' NOW IT IS
BEFORE ME. YOU CAN SEND ME ROUND THREE HATS OF THIS PATTERN."
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
DEAR SIR,-I gave you in my last a tip which cannot be surpassed
by any coming from my pen for undiluted acumen, in which, you know,
I reckoned up the doggies for the famous cup. Indeed, I think that
tip so fine (although in tips I always shine), that, though it had been my
intent its little hints to supplement by further coming to the charge, and
dealing with it more at large, I mean to place, as 1 must own, reliance
on that tip alone which at the time I sent to FUN as a preliminary one.
Be that, however, as it may, I '11 touch on something else to-day, and
interject a small remark and tip about the Kempton Park. I 'm glad
this meeting has come round, because I must admit I 've found how dull
the life a man must con, when racing meetings aren't on; but when the
Kempton Park is viewed the Prophet feels his youth renewed; and vigour
in his slap on thigh, and keen perception in his eye, he quickly pens,
the Grand Old Chap, this
TIP FOR HURDLE HANDICAP.
Though Fortune back you, where's the use
If others meet you with Glenluce ?
To think that every blessed man
Must yield to a Barbarian 1
The while Injustice dire-accurst-
Shall go and make the last-born first,
Shall Theodora calmly sit?
And, say, shall Zeus submit to it ?
While Fate with questions thus we plague,
Her answers are extremely vague;
But once again we ask her-see-
What meaning hides in Berzencze ?"
She gives us answers such as these,-
"Be Sybil to the Sybil, please."
"And how shall Sutton treated be?"
She quickly cries, "Why, Suttonly."
It just occurs to me to say that, after all, perhaps I may have just a
little word or two to say about the Waterloo, before it's run, if you '11
allow, but will not enter on it now. Next week the Four Oaks Park,
no doubt, will be the thing for trotting out, and my opinion I shall
state respecting of the Hurdle Plate, the which no doubt I shall invest
with an enduring interest, for spite of poverty and theft and crime, I
have a "moral" left. But I must discontinue, for the mandate of my
Editor my space for writing sadly cramps. Farewell; send gold, or notes,
or stamps, or heads of game; address them thus,-the Grand Old Man,
MOTTO FOR THE NEW A.R.A.-" Lay on, Macbeth,"-meaning the
paint, of course.
VOL. XXXVII.-NO. 926.
54 FUN. FEBRUARY 7, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
S\ / taken a new
lease of life at
1 the Avenue, or,
to make A-
SI I venue-rable
pun, appears to
intend to 'Ave-
Io i n which (as many
no doubt will
f b7 may be de-
scribed as a re-
", ,pairing lease,
and (as people
% are sure to keep
-1- .... "dropping in")
Sone which will
t- not be falling
in" in a hurry.
h- cThe music is of
hih ra kind that
THE AVENUE.-THE SENESCHAL, AN ESENESCHAL PART "grows upon
OF THE PERFORMANCE. you," but it en-
genders no de-
sire in the listener either to exclaim "sow-sow !" or to cut it; while the
dialogue, being carried off by the music (and
therefore absent and unable to give offence)
may be forgiven (and of course forgotten as
soon as possible).
The delightful singing of Miss St. John is
of itself enough enjoyment for one evening; .
the capabilities and flexibility of her voice,
and her dexterity and grace of style, which
have matured wonderfully, place her in a very .-
high rank as a vocalist, and, what is perhaps .0
more to the purpose, afford an artistic plea-
sure seldom to be met with on the opera-
bouffe stage. Add to this the inimitably I",I ll
quaint and original humour of Mr. Ashley, I I
the more boisterous and hearty fun of M. '.
Marius, pungent as "the briny," the sweet t
singing of Mr. Bracy (which is so good that
they are all easily held up with one instead
of a pair of Bracys), the vocal skill of Miss
Minnie Byron, and the general competency,
as well as some very good scenery (particu-
larly the set for the second act), and you have ..
an entertainment as good as any to be found
in London, and better than a good many. TuE AVENUE.-CABIN
How long such as desire to enjoysweet sounds are to be forced, as far
is concerned, to
endure the fool-
6.' which, nine
.....times out of ten,
are their dismal
ments, is aques-
tion which, per-
are not called
upon to consi-
der as long as
mit, but it is
almost time that
show some re-
sentment at the
childish fare so
--often set before
THE AvENUE.-LE Duc DES IFS-RATHER IFS-FaMINATa they really like
school of writing alluded to.
The management of the Royal Victoria Coffee Hall keeps on "peg-
with unobtru .1 .
sive determina- -- -
tion at the work 'r i
it has set itself
to perform, and
whether its ef- iiJ p
forts be success- I !4
ful or not (which .. '
can scarcely be
decided just i .'.
yet), it deserves I.
all the honour
due to steady '.=- -?.
and unrelaxed /.
endeavour to -
carry out an 2.,. )' l.',. i .
tion. The pro-
gramme for '*
sists mostly of
there is to be THE AVENUE.-MERIMAC AND MERRY-MAKER.
"a grand mis-
cert and recitals, arranged by Captain Acklom, and under the patronage
of General Lord Wolseley." Next Tuesday
will show a concert by Scandinavian artistes,
j and there will be other concerts given during
-i_. the month by Mesdames Evans Warwick and
J Frances Brooke, and Messrs. George Lear
and P. S. Van Noorden, while on the 9th
E. D. Knowl, Esq., Sec. R.A.S., will lec-
ture on "The Sun and his Family."
S' A Voyage to the Moon is understood to be
1 r"j -.~ the title of Mr. Leader's opening piece at Her
rl i.' Majesty's, and not King Comet, as I (among
S.; others) fell into the mistake of hinting ; and
_, yet my information was good-I had it direct
from a mis-Leader.
It is stated that Mr. H. Hamilton has
completed a farcical comedy "founded on
the German." He has altered the story,
reduced it from five to three acts, omitted
several of the characters, almost entirely al-
Q-S, tered the rest, and written wholly original
dialogue from beginning to end; upon which
the question naturally arises, why not have
BOY AND HANSOM-MAID. written an original play at once ?
Mr. Robert Buchanan is reported to have a five-act comedy-drama in
rehearsal at the
Globe, to be
of Lane Eyre;
but fane Eyre
is hardly weak
I should say,
If she thinks
so, she must be o
un malade ima.
On the 5th
of next month
the annual be-
nefit of the r
place at Drury
Lane (lent for
the occasion by THE AVENUE.-MIss ST. JOHN'S DISGUISE-THiE COUNTESS
Mr. Augustus ADMIRES ITS ST. JoHN-UITY.
Harris), and is deserving of the heartiest success. NESTOR.
FEBRUARY 7, 1883. FU N. 55
It is recognized that the new French Minister is merely keeping the
place warm for Jules Ferry-four times Minister.
IT was the last French Premier- \
His name does 'not at once occur I t
To one accustomed to the stir
Of Gallic politicians;-
But crowing o'er a grinning crowd,
Hle spoke in tones discreetly proud,
And (when De Cassagnac allowed)
Took up these grand positions:
"I am a martyr to the State,
Condemned to be nor good nor great
By blind inevitable Fate;
Nor tyrant, nor reformer;
I 've no time even to be smart-
Waiting must be my only art;
In fact, French Premier's only part
Is Cabinet bed-warmer.
"I mount the tribune just to show
There is a chief to Cl6menceau;
He may be limp, he may be slow,
But he '11 do for a short night
Of groping after some unique
Way to avoid plan and replique;
I may, perhaps, endure a week,
I might, with luck, a fortnight.
"But after that, with eyes that greet,' r
I shall look down the Beauvou Street,
And sigh like Fatima to meet
The man who 'll make me merry;
Who 'll take the place, the plots, the pricks,
Find halfpence for a myriad kicks; p
French Premiers grow cross as two Styx,
Waiting the fatal Ferry."
APPARENTLY Henry Thomas Whemay, who was remanded ,Vi c
at Leicester on a charge of stabbing, has exaggerated ideas as -P --. 2 I'4'
to our British privileges in the violence line. If the offence
be proved, it is likely that Whemay will find Whemustn't. A CO M P LI M E N T.
LOOKING AFTER NUMBER ONE.-Sitting up to see the Gallant Old Farmer.-" CATTLE DANGEROUS OH, NO Miss ONY BETTER
First of January. TURN THEM CHERRY-RED CHEEKS O' YOURN AWAY FROM 'EM, MISS."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND Ko GRd VY. me as his son-in-law rang for the secretary, "but I don't mind telling
you that, a positive fact, I, President of the French Republic, do not
I HAVE always respected M. Jules Gr6vy, Sir, since I called on him know at this moment who my Premier is."
years ago at Mont Sous-Vaudrey and found him passing his recess in "M. Duclere is below," announced a messenger, "also M. Tirard
shooting rabbits, and making jam in a bibbed apron; and when the other has just arrived in a fiacre."
day I found that a Ministerial crisis had again set in for about the forty- The good and honest old chief magistrate visibly paled.
seventh time since the good Jules became President, I resolved to run "You are ill, M. le President ?" I exclaimed, seizing a carafe from
over to the Elysde and assure him of my sympathy. the table.
I was shown straight into the billiard-room, where I found the Presi- "No, no," returned M. Grivy, "it is only a horrible suspicion which
dent playing a hundred up with his son-in-law, M. Wilson. strikes me that in my mental confusion I have desired both the gentle.
"mAa foi!" exclaimed the President, "when a stranger was announced men who have just arrived to form Ministries. I have feared this for
it gave me quite a turn. I thought it was another crisis, and that you years."
were come with the lists of another new Ministry." At this point M. Wilson returned with the secretary, who carried a
"Ah I bpropos," I returned, "who may be your Premier now, M. le book slate ofa large size.
President ? I have not seen a paper since I got into the train at Calais." "Ah, monsieur," cried the President to the latter, "we want you to
Oh, we will soon satisfy you on that point," said M. Grevy cheerily, tell us who is Prime Minister of France at this moment."
"Who is our Premier, eh ?-why, M.-M.-why, parbleu I" he added, "May I assume, M. le President, that M. Falli&res has not come up
putting down his cue and turning to M. Wilson, "who is the Premier the back staircase and resigned since two o'clock when I went for my
this afternoon, Charles ?" dd]euner ?" asked the secretary respectfully.
"Well, that is hardly a fair question, mon fire," answered M. Wilson; "Has he, Charles ?" queried M. Grdvy, turning to his son-in-law.
"you know I have been away from the Elys6e two hours. But, at any "I think not, sir. It' was M. Duclerc I found here on my return."
rate, you told me M. de Falli&res was Prime Minister before I left." "M. Duclerc ?" exclaimed the secretary; "then I missed him I
"Oh, I told you that, did I?" asked the President, with a far-off Must I consider him Premier now, M. le President ?" he added.
oh-for-a-lodge-in.some-wilderness look in his honest grey eyes, "and "I refuse to be questioned, monsieur," shouted the President sternly;
that was at noon. Well," and here the good old man put his hand "it was your duty to keep a close watch on the development of the
wearily to his head, "let me see, mon ami,-it was at one M. Fallibres crisis."
came with his resignation." "' M. Clemenceau desires an audience," cried a messenger.
"What I cried M. Wilson; "then is M, Ferry Premier after all ?" I saw I was de trop, Sir, and so, not wishing to embarrass the good
"M. Ferry ?" echoed the President; "oh dear, no I After drawing President further, told him not to mind about answering my question
up seven trial Ministries, he finally resigned last night at eleven-thirty." just then, leaving him thereupon, holding his head and moaning "MNa
"You don't mean to say, then, that M. Dev6s has- pauvre t9e II Ma pauvre tidte /"
"No, no," exclaimed M. Gr6vy; "that is," he added in a changed *
tone, "I'm not quite sure, and that's a fact. We had better have up Of course we know how the crisis has temporarily ended, but I doubt
my secretary; I have told him to keep all the Ministerial changes if poor M. Gr6vy knows even now who is really Prime Minister. If
posted on a slate. It may seem very funny," said M. Grivy, turning to they go on having these crises they really ought to raise his salary,
56 FUJN. FEBRUARY 7, 1883.
A COMMON FORM OF SYMPATHIZER.'
Cur friend Ovar Flowing was deeply touched by the case of the railway servants. "Poor fellows, you know!" said he. "Most ill-used and deserving set o' men-
don't wonder they complain, you know I They've a right, sir, to what they demand !
-l, 0: .. ., ,- -,'
"My heart bleeds for 'em!" he said, next time we saw him. "Look at 'em-Sir, I'd make any sacrifice to see them righted."
-Vrfl *-~ 11 .--
Bsi -bl-bss my-con-conf-hang the thin he thundered, the other day. "Here-if these good-for-nothing railway servants haven't been and STRUCK,.
sir-STRUCK I Here am I, sir, to be mconhangitsirvenienced, in order that their confounded grievances shall be-- I won't stand it, sir! A set of impertinent.'
FU N *-I.-FEBRUARY 7, 1883.
"i I.___ t i
THE SONG OF THE
SUNG BY MR. JUDGE
THE draughts they blow our wigs awry and make us blow our noses-
It's funny I Very !-very, very funny I
A few more doses of them and we '11 all turn up our toeses--
That's funny I Very !-very, very funny,
NEW LAW COURTS.
AND MRS. JUSTICE.
And how to make their voices heard the lawyers hardly know;
With Justice deaf as well as blind, 't will be a pretty go,
And after all the money spent upon this Gothic show-
It 's funny I VMry !-very, very funny,
il l; .
THE SONG OF THE NEW LAW COURTS.
WE 'RE so uncomfortable now, and consequently we
Feel funny! Very!-very, very funny.
With coughing and with sneezing we can scarcely fail to be
Most funny Very!-very, very funny.
And considering how our circumstances make us fume and fret,
Considering, too, that Westminster we cannot quite forget,
We think that as we're placed a short juridical duet
Would be funny! Very!-very, very funny.
Oh, have you been to see our fine new Law Courts in the Strand ?
They are funny! Very!-very, very funny.
To kill off our fraternity they seem to have been planned-
That's funny! Very!-very, very funny.
You stumble over latent steps in passages so dark
That you can't tell if your neighbour 's a Queen's Counsel or a clerk
Whilst the general arrangements force the stranger to remark
That they're funny! Very !-very, very funny.
The doors, by way of exercise, keep playing at Go Bang"-
That's funny! Very!-very, very funny,
And down the stone-paved corridors incessant footsteps clang-
That's funny! Very!-very, very funny.
The witnesses, solicitors, and telegraphic boys
Get jammed up in the doorways in a manner that annoys
The barristers, and any chance of harmony destroys-
It's funny! Very!-very, very funny.
The draughts they blow our wigs awry and make us blow our noses-
It's funny I Very!-very, very funny.
A few more doses of them and we'll all turn up our toeses-
That's funny! Very!-very, very funny.
And how to make their voices heard the lawyers hardly know;
With Justice deaf as well as blind, 't will be a pretty go,
And after all the money spent upon this Gothic show-
It's funny! Very !-very, very funny.
FEBRUARY 7, 1 83. U' u N. 59
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NEW SERIES. NO. 32.-A SONG OF INDIFFERENCE.
AIR-" What does it matter to me? "
THE Wellington statue they 're chipping around,
And letting him down by degrees;
The Empress Eugenie has recently found
That she can't visit Paris at ease ;
The Wimbledon Bobby with vigour intrigues
To raise a perpetual smile-
He takes a lame pony for several leagues
To save him from walking a mile.
But what does it matter to me? and what does it matter to you?
And what does it matter to Tomkins or Brown whatever our neighbours
Or what does it matter to Smith-nay, what does it matter to FUN ?
And if it is true that there 's doing to do,
Let them do it, by Jove I and get done!
There's a talk about Healy and Davitt and Quinn
(And there always was talk about them),
Thee 's a pleasing allusion to running 'em in,"
And a nice little tale of condemn.
There's a general look about Irish affairs,
Of their "cornering blackguards at last;
And a gale has been round, which it gave itself airs,"
And I 'm glad it 's a thing of the past.
Though what it can matter to me, or what it can matter to yew,
Or what it can matter to any one else I 'm dashed if I 'd tell if I knew;
But what can it matter to paid ? and what can it matter to owed ?
And if it should show that it 's blowing to blow,
Why, let the thing blow and be blowed.
Sir Percy's small theatre doesn't quite win
His neighbours' approval, I find;
He catches the actresses toddle-ing in,
And he gives them a bit of his mind.
And they've had an Ice Carnival out in the West,
And the Premier's getting on well,
And soon Hackney Downs will appear at their best,
And the picked-up balloon is a sell.
But what can it matter to me ? and what can it matter to you ?
And what can it matter at all to the world whatever its populace do ?
And what can it matter to them? and what can it matter to those ?
And if a thing show that it's going to go,
Let it go it and go as it goes.
Fog-signals at sea, there's a sort of a hint,
Are by no means effectual things ;
There's want in the Lewis (we've read it in print),
And a pitying shudder it brings.
There 's a novel chess tournament going to be
In Winchester Guildhall displayed,
And the Suez Canal's so successful, we see,
There's another about to be made.
But what can it matter to me ? and what can it matter to us ?
And what can it signify so, may I ask ? and what can it signify thus ?
And what can it matter for woe? and what can it matter for weal ?
And what can it matter,
However they chatter,
Supposing it matters a deal ?
THE RECENT GALES.
THE greatest anxiety has been felt on account of our friend Tacka-
tout. Owing to the violence of the gale he has been unable to make
his chambers, and has been standing off for a week past. 1 le was no-
ticed to be tak'ing-(we couldn't find out what he was taking; but it
was generally warm)-down Pall Mall and the Strand, and he succeeded,
with some difficulty, in putting into the club, with umbrella damaged
and stove-pipe carried away.
Having refitted with a chance deer-stalker from the hall, he weighed
once more, all battened down, and headed N.W. by W. for his cham-
bers, was driven down to the Gaiety, and compelled to run in for safety.
Here he was unable to get beyond the bar, and (having met some cronies)
continued "standing" off and on for some time; but at length put out
once more, and, losing the deer-stalker, made Trafalgar Square under a
bare pole and failed to get under sheets the whole of that night. Early
next morning he again put into the club, rolling unsteadily, with watch
and chain carried away and pin overboard, and was seen to be beating
up (possibly an egg in some tea). He then proceeded to make the office
and hail his employer with his politest port; but the latter stood off
under his bows and cut him down before the quarter, and he was sub-
sequently toed out.
As a proof of the force of the wind on our coasts, our reporter states
that a gale blew off the Lizard Point a day or two ago. A sceptical
friend says he believes that reporter is "putting it on again.
Even the power of wind, however, occasionally fails. The gales, in
spite of the extra-violent draughts they created in the passages of the
Royal Courts of Justice, have not succeeded in blowing the cobwebs out
of the law.
Our friend Cleen Dowt declares that he has absolutely been unable to
keep a roof over his head. The most absurd rumours have been blown
about. It's satisfactory to hear that the gale has swept up the streets
round Covent Garden Market.
Who's for the Bank ?
THE other day post office savings banks on the English model were
opened in all parts of Austria, when the number of deposits accepted in
Vienna and the provincial towns is said to have been remarkable, the
first depositor in the chief office in Vienna being the Emperor. There
is no doubt the benefit of good example is incalculable, and if H.R.H.
the Prince of Wales can only be induced to put by a little weekly, it may
be the saving, or savings, of the English people. The account does not
say how much the Emperor of Austria put in, but he could, not help
being a sovereign depositor.
A Cutting Comment,
THE Lancet, in remarking about the probable appointment of a lady
doctor for the Post Office, says, We do not dispute the right of ladies
to consult ladies, and if a majority of the employees are in favour of such
an appointment, that would alter the case somewhat; but it is highly
improbable that such is the feeling of the majority." Our contemporary
evidently thinks that women are more partial to men than to their own
sex. This is our experience, and we consider the Lancet has drawn
blood this time.
No. IV.-WELLINGTON SOMERSET ORMOND.
THE ways of flirts and flirting are wild and mysterious, though per-
haps this is a somewhat bold statement on our part, as we really do not
know much about the "art," having a somewhat practical mind, a sin-
gularly rotund body, and a habit of bursting into fits of laughter when
anything strikes us as humorous or idiotic. Of course these arrange-
ments are not conducive to flirting, consequently we never try to flirt
with anybody, and nobody ever tries to flirt with us; so we merely put
it as an hypothesis that some people are born flirts, some become flirts,
and others have their flirtiness thrust upon them. We also have an idea
that to some natures flirting is as necessary to peace of mind as partici-
pating (morally or physically) in murder is to a true Irish "patriot."
We have often wondered whether the male flirt is more to be dreaded
than the female ; this is a point we feel anything but sure about. If we
had ever been able to be flirty, a dangerous game would have been our
notion-a "mash on Vera Sassulich, Louise Michel, or any other
Socialist lady who might have suppressed us at any moment with dyna-
mite, would have had charms for us. Ought not flirting to be encouraged
by lawyers? Surely this "art" is a source of great profit to them at
times. Crabbed and dry a lawyer's life is life is not when he is engaged in
bringing a breach of promise case to a climax; the jokes in court, the
gloating over the letters of both plaintiff and defendant, the titters and
laughter at perjured vows, thea famous fees, all tend to make the lawyer's
life on such occasions a happy one (luckily, the fees are sometimes not
paid, though). Who effects all this pleasantry and profit? Flirts,
male and temale-at least we suggest so.
Wellington Somerset Ormond was undoubtedly a flirt. Ormond
scorned work, and lived upon his aged mother, who was in receipt of a
pension barely enough to keep them both; but she starved herself in
order that Wellington should dress and marry well.
In the course of his many flirtations Ormond came in contact with
Ruth Selby. Ruth also was a flirt, and a rich one too. Rustling of
silk, glitter of diamonds, and scattering of delicate perfumes meandered
round the rooms when Ruth entered.
During a fit of moons and spoons Ruth and Wellington got engaged.
Daring a fit of moons and spoons the happy pair were walking and
flirting down Oxford Street (of course absorbed) when Wellington placed
his patent leather shoe upon a piece of orange-peel, slipped, fell heavily
on his face, and broke his aquiline nose. In the crowd that collected
only one kept calm-Ruth Selby. She called a cab, and remarked,
" Farewell, Wellington ; I can never marry a man with a broken nose."
Then Ormond walked home to his ma. Mrs. Ormond advised him to
bring an action for breach of promise. Sharkem and Sharper took up
the case "on spec."
The gloomy court was lighted with merry faces when this case came
on. "Can I be expected to marry a man who looks as if putty had
been thrown at the centre of his face ?" asked the defendant; "it is he
who has been cruel !" and she wept. The perspiration of sympathy stood
out on the judge's forehead like soap-bubbles, and he took a sip of what
in the Law Courts is by courtesy called water. One farthing damages.
No fees for the lawyers. Hooray I 1 (A broken nose not being pretty,
we give the lady's portrait.)
MORAL.-Well, there isn't one. Why should people be bothered
rIN', FEBRUARY 7. 1883.
THE GREAT CENTRAL ANXIETY.
NEW LAW COURTS, Monday.-No proceedings have taken place to-
day in Court No. 379. It appears that the usher of the court, having
much experience of the buildings, discovered a way of reaching his court
by climbing over the roofs and peeping down the skylights. Having (in
less than three days) recognized his court, he descended into it and
awaited the arrival of the judge, jury, and public. After awhile, weary
of paring his nails, he set himself to the task of carving his name upon
every panel of the wainscotting round the court. Several times he de-
sisted for a moment, and laid his ear to the ground under the impression
that he heard footsteps approaching, but the hope died away, and he
resumed his task.
The pangs of hunger became severe, but the unhappy man feared to
leave the court in search of food in view of the unlikelihood of his finding
it again. Latest intelligence say that the usher is rapidly sinking, no
one else having arrived at the court. We received the above intelli.
gence through the agency of carrier-pigeons which the usher had the
forethought to provide himself with before venturing in search.
Tuesday.-News has at length been heard of some of the other parties
who should have turned up in Court No. 379. It seems that the judge,
after wandering for the whole of Monday and the ensuing night, found
himself at length ih the housekeeper's room in the north-north-west-by-
south wing. Here he determined to remain, feeling that his exhausted
condition rendered it risky to attempt retracing his steps. In response
to his signs of distress from the window, frantic efforts have been made
to convey food to him, but in vain. The counsel for the defence is stated
to have fallen down a well unintentionally constructed in one of the
lobbies. The counsel for the plaintiff, under the impression that he was
turning a door-handle, turned that of a ventilator, and was blown into the
smallest fragments by the draught that ensued. The draught, having
once been turned on, cannot be stopped; it is gaining in force every
moment, and the utmost anxiety prevails.
Wednesday.-We are happy to be able to give one cheering anecdote
amid the tale of disaster connected with the Courts of Justice.
A long time ago a young married man disappeared among the cor-
ridors, and after long search, all hope of seeing him again was given
up, and his sorrowing family had recourse to parochial relief. On Wed.
nesday a white-haired and decrepit man was seen to emerge, with a be-
wildered air, from the solicitors' entrance in Carey Street. He was iden-
tified as the lost man by certain marks upon him, and restored to his
family. We are sorry, however, to record the fact that his mental
powers have been undermined by protracted bewilderment.
The draught is working
terrible havoc, walls being
torn down, floors burst up, I
and the entire living con "
tents of courts carried away i
and pulverized. We are
plaintiff who should have i |
appeared inCourt No. 379 ''
was roasted whole by an .
error in regulating the cur- /.
rent of warm air in a lobby.
The defendant, on the
contrary, was frozen by a u
current of cold air intended II
for summer use.
Thursday. -The draught
has just blown the roof off
the central hall, and a hint
has been taken from the //
occurrence. It has been
determined to remove the
entire roof from the build-
ings, and to station a man
on the highest pinnacle
(after the Hampton Court
Maze plan) to direct the -
wanderers inside. No one _f
has emerged from the
Courts of Justice for three -
months (with the single ex- s.
ception of the white-haired -
man with the marks), and
the building is pretty full.
Friday.-The scene on the removal of the roof is terrible.
Saturday.-The policeman lately stationed in the Strand to warn
passers of the insecurity of the clock will be buried in Westminster
MASS-" ACRiS."-Those at Hurlingham.
FEBRUARY 7. 1883. F UN' 61
Storm and Stress.
ALAS I o'er all the nation now are heard the sounds of woe,
Through destruction done by wind and rain, by thunderstorm
The swollen streams flood meadow-lands for miles and miles
And on our coasts brave sailors in great numbers have been
The farmers see their fields submerged, and all their toil made
And struggling folks to poverty and homelessness are brought;
For day by day the shrieking wind made havoc in its course,
After wrecking poor ones' dwellings with a dread relentless
And many of our miners, too, who toil for daily bread
In the bowels of the earth, wherein no light of day is shed,
Are by the floods deprived of work-of work at which, though
Subsistence for their families with fearlessness they earn.
And now the wife and children of the man who, on the waves,
For those he loves so dearly, death and danger daily braves,
List in anguish to the angry storm, and pray to Him above
That He will shield the husband and the father whom they
But alas I too often, after it has braved the ocean foam,
The vessel's dashed to pieces on the rocks in sight of home,
And faithful to their duty, battling with the wind and wave,
Husband, father, brother, lover sink into a watery grave.
But consoling, 'mid the record of disaster and of ill,
Is the thought that in our nation lives the old brave spirit still,
That true heroes, prompt to succour those in peril, we
Who, forgetting self, aid others placed in danger and dis-
This very week a village girl, at Swansea, risked her life
To rescue some poor seamen tossed among the billows' strife;
She laughed to scorn the seething surge, and in the waves she
And sived one helpless sailor, who had from the deck been
And Jenny Ace, the girl who dashed into the angry tide,
To save a fellow-creature, will not Britain view with pride?
But many a true courageous deed has been achieved of late
Which prove that in our humblest class are heroes truly great.
May He who e'er is ready to be gracious and to bless,
Provide for those whom floods and gales have plunged in dire
And, doffing cap and bells awhile, the Jester humbly prays
That God will comfort the bereaved, and all the sufferers raise.
Our Hard-up Contributor
Is intensely indignant at some of the most recent swindles recorded in
the papers. The ease with which these swindlers gulled their victims
has made our H.U.C. quite morbidly miserable, for, as he plaintively
puts it, his baker will not trust him a twopenny loaf. He forgets that
the people who were diddled by the swindlers he refers to did not know
the persons who swindled them, whereas we expect our H.U.C. is only
too well known to his baker.
Of course his letter contained the usual request for assistance, and the
usual long list of sufferings (how his tradesmen must suffer, by-the-bye 1),
declaring that the recent high tides in the Thames have completely
ruined him ; but as we know that he lives at Primrose Hill, we cannot
understand how that can be, more especially as we have never known
him to be tidy under any circumstances. The following extract from
his autobiography, which he wants us to publish, is characteristic, and
we should say "correct," in the sense that it is truthful. He says :
I seem to have lived in a chronic state of hard-up. Even in boy-
hood my small weekly allowance was eaten long before it became due,
and on Sunday I was reduced to putting lozenges in the offertory bag.
How well I remember impecuniosity losing me my first bosom friend I
He left school before me, ,obtained a situation, and wrote to me, en-
closing six 'stamps, in order that I might constantly correspond with
him. Oh, why did the masters allow a sweetstuff-shop to be located
just outside the school gates? and why were stamps not refused as illegal
tender? The heartlessness of the world was shown me even then. How
WHAT A FALL WAS THERE!
Benevolent Party.-" GOOD MORNING, SIR. WILL YOU KINDLY CON-
TRIBUTE YO OUR FUND FOR THE 'CIVILIZATION OF CHILI '? THESE
POOR BENIGHTED CHILIANS, SIR, HAVE FALLEN- "
Stock Exchange Sw. l.-" 'CHILIANS' FALLEN? YES, CONFOUND THEM,
THEY HAVE-THeRE-QUARTERS AGAIN, I SEE- "
B. P.-"THREE-QUARTERS? NO, SIR-ENTIRELY: THEY'VE FALLEN
ENTIRELY INTO DARKNESS AND DEGRADATION. WE PROPOSE TO RAISE
S. E. S.-"YES, I HOPE THEY WILL SOON RISE. IF THEY FALL
MUCH MORE I SHALL 'SELL."'
[Benevolent Parly thinks Swell has sold-him.
well I recollect the fawning proprietress, when my money was all gone,
charging me with owing untold wealth for hardbake I She told the
masters, and I thus realized at a very early age how sweet(s) are the
ways of adversity.'
"Later on in life I was given to realizing,' and this reminds me of a
watch which I shall never see again. I had taken it-' Oh, my pro.
phetic soul I'-times out of number to mine uncle's, when one day,
while looking at its works in silent admiration, a piece of fluff fell in,
was seized by the small but savage wheel, whirled round, and in spite
of efforts worthy of a Royal Humane Society's medal, drawn into the
terrible vortex, and swallowed in the works. Things then went wrong
with that wicked watch ; in conscience-stricken grief it wrung its hands,
the large hand, in its daily stage of duty-running, caught its smaller and
slower friend, and whirled him round in its own giddy dance. Things
likewise at this time went wrong with me, and I naturally thought of
the watch, which, between the hours of two and three, did not betray
the eccentricity referred to. Setting it to a hair's-breadth, I wended my
way round the corner, and, with a choky voice, asked the unpoetic
pawnbroker to take particular care of the heirloom. Surlily he an-
swered, It will be all right when you come for it.' What I will it go
when I come for it?' I asked. 'Of course it will,' was his reply.
- 'Then,' said I to myself, 'be happy, 0 pawnbroker, in the possession
of a treasure that shall tell what's o'clock when time shall be no
(To be continued at intervals-perhaps.)
Wr To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelo)'e.
FEBRUARY 7, 1883.
PAST AND GONE.
Rustic (to Sportsman, thrown out).-" WHEER TH' 'OUNDS ARE ? WELL, LAST TIME I SEEN 'EM THEY WAS ARTER A Fox. 'ARF A
HOUR AGO, JUST 'ERE I"
THERE has been an active search going on for some time for a lost
heiress" who was left on a doorstep in infancy; it is half believed that
the object of the search has been discovered in Miss Carey, a domestic
servant. We should think there can be no doubt that this is the right
party--she was left on a doorstep, and credible witnesses, whose business
led them past the house, have deposed to seeing her there every morning
for years, so that it is plain that she has remained on that step ever since,
and should the property be awarded to any other claimant we shall never
get rid of the feeling that there has been a great Miss-Carey-age of justice.
ANXIOUS as we ever are for the punishment of offenders, we cannot help
thinking that the law showed a certain amount of impertinent intrusiveness
in meddling in a little family affair which took place the other day at
Beaconsfield. We read that Lamb, a drover, was charged with stealing
fourteen sheep on December 20th, and twenty others on January loth.
Now, it is perfectly obvious that he was merely in search of his mother,
and, being unable to identify her at the moment, helped himself to a
number of mothers in order to sort out his own at leisure. There can be
little doubt that he intended to return the mothers that were not his.
Surely a fellow has a right to his own mother ? We protest against this
gross intrusion into family matters!
Reduction in the rice of Tonga. The
ori g final 4/6 size is now reduced to 29,
and larger sizes are put up at 4/6 and -.
during the last two years sufficiently testi-
FOR fies to its intrinsic valne, and is fully re-
nEUR A ilA cognized by the medical profession, as
levdenced by the habitual way in which
it is prescribed by leading men amonst
them, both at hooe and abroad. T.
Lancet, after devoting three long papers to remarkable cases of Neuralgia
cured by Tooga, recently wrote: "Tonga maintains its reputation in the
treatment of Neuralgia;" whilst the Medical Press and Circular speaks
of Touga as "Invaluable in Facial Neuralgia;" and adds, "It has proved
effective in all those cases in which we have prescribed it." Tonga may be
obtained from all Chemists, and from the Sole Consignees and Manufac-
turers, ALLEN & HANBURYS, Plough Court, Lombard St., London.
WHEN a man begins ta rite, 't is 'mazin' 'ow the words will grow;
but a very littel book wull hold what mooast on us dew know." So says
somebody or other. For instance, we might write a column in praise of
Hildesheimer and Rimmel's valentines brought out this year, but as the
public, or "mooast on 'em, dew know" that Rimmel and Hildesheimer
are always up to the mark, we merely remark that their new productions
are as excellent as ever.
UNDER the heading "Decorations for Gallantry" we find that the
Queen has bestowed the medal for distinguished service upon Pioneer
Thomas Winnett, who was twice wounded at Tel-el-Kebir, but remained
with his company in the front line till ordered to fall out. As to what
we think of him-well, we can only say that he is the sort of fellow we
should be proud to fall in with, but shouldn't care to fall out with; and
as for his gaining the medal-why, just look at his name I How could
he help it? In the same connection, too, we perceive with satisfaction
that Colour-Sergeant Walkley refused to run; while Sergeant Gunn,
though spiked, would not be put out of action.
ACTORS have to "make-up for lost time when the ghost doesn't walk.
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves the ad-
dition of Starch. R EHo
PURE!!! 80LUBLE!!! REFRESHING 111
London: Printed by Dalriel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at x53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February 7th, 1883.
It i a 11 Iwa ys safe'_
Re 6 k i tts
I u e.
FEBRUARY 14 1883 IF' I 63
To JENNY (aged nine).
"Lo I obeisantly I greet you,
Little maid of tender years ;
Still be merry, I entreat you,
One so young should ne'er know tears.
May you find Life's blessings many,
As the world you travel through ;
So, joyous little Jenny,
There's a valentine foryou! "
To ISABEL (aged sixteen).
Most respectfully the Poet,
Sends you greeting, Isabel,
You are charming, and you know it,
By your manner he can tell.
When, anon, 0 maiden queenly !
Some admirer comes to woo,
May your courtship glide serenely-
There 's a valentine for you /
To MARGARET (aged nineteen).
"Now fain would I address you,
Winsome maiden whom I love;
May God protect and bless you,
Watching o'er you from above.
And if trouble e'er come snarling,
May your faith be ever true;-
So Maggie, little darling,
The re's a valentine for you! "
Something New about Valentines,
THERE was once an editor of a paper who took on a new hand, and
commissioned from him something smart and original about valentines,
as he said he could do "almose ennythink." The first thing that new
hand did was to go out and buy a lot of penny papers, and when he
came in with them he pulled off his coat, and it really looked as if he
meant business. In a little while he went out again for a drink, and
when he came back sat down and put on a pipe, and studied his penny
papers till he fell fast asleep. When he awoke he went out for another
drink; and after repeating these processes several times he eventually
produced the following as his first effort:
"The man who wroat to Miss Smith on Valentyne's Day, saying he
shouldn't be hoam to dinner as he was going' to work late in the Sitty,
and enclosed a babi's cap; and who sent his whife a pare o' blew garters
and a hankecher with a naim in the kawnur, Ida, which hur naime was
betcy, with an appointment for cicks that eaverning folded up in the
hankecher, was a leetle bit abcent-minded like. He didn't kanow it
hisself tho till he kep the appointment, and found his whife's phather-
instid of Miss Smith-a waiting for him with a cowhide, which sed he'd
'hida' him and so he did tew, yew bet. That man is now going around
sayin Vallentines is emty snairz and delooshuns as awt to have been
bollishei long ago."
Whea the editor read this effusion, which the new hand passed up to
him and stood calmly awaiting his verdict-when the chief, I say, had
got to the end of this amazing production, he arose, and-when the
policeman on the beat came by he saw the street-door wide open and a
large boot lying on the side-walk.
MORAL. -When you're going to write something new for a paper it's
best to make sure first that the editor isn't a much bigger man than
yourself, and even then it's safer to put the copy in the post, and keep
on the other side of the way if you 're passing the office in the next few
February 14th, 1883.
SUN, sun, where art thou shining?
Wrapped in cloud curtains, or over the sea?
Sad, sad mortals are pining,
Flow'rets and birds are weeping for thee.
Love, light, hast thou departed?
Lost like a vapour in infinite air?
Gone, gone, gay and light-hearted?
Deaf to the pleadings of love and of prayer?
Come, come, earth is awaking!
Sunlight and love in sweet unity shine;
Shade, shade absence is making-
Fly I she is coming, my sweet valentine.
Thou art so Near and yet so Far.
A NEW comet has been discovered at the Puebla Observatory, de-
scribed as "near Jupiter." On account of its position it ought to be
called "By Jupiter."
VOL. XXXVII.-NO. 927.
AMONG THE FAIRIES.
" Yo0 know the fairies are not dead,"
The kindly manager has said. _
Then come such wonders at his call
As prove him greatest of them all:
He waves his wand, and in a trice,
Alert and open-eyed as mice,
Four thousand eager girls and boys
(Not often burdened with such joys!)
All pleased and happy, find themselves
Among the fairies and the elves.
Again he waves his magic wand,
And fairies round about respond
With ready hands and willing hearts,
And willingness to do their parts.
First come the merry corps of sprit s
Who gaily do his will o' nights,
And Sindbad's wonders they unfurl
To happy boy and happy girl;
Then Fairy Lennard brings some verse
For Fairy Harris to rehearse; ;
So well exert their arts to please AV-EFA
That soon, with wonder, it is found ,
That oranges are coming round! T hATAT
And Fairy Buzzard's brought again TK sTMKES'
The Poet Fun(n) to Drury Lane ; o At
While Fairy Moore, in rapid flight,
Is here and there to see all right.
And as in all the throng we trace
The rapture in each little face, \
The happy laugh and childish cheers,
With pleasure that's akin to tears,
We envy him his quiet bliss
Who gives, with kindliness like this,
A joy, the thought of which survives
A golden thread through sombre lives, -
And sweetens with a happy hour
Some heart that else were black and sour.
FEBRUARY 14, I883. FU N 65
THEORY OF THE EVOLUTION OF
OUR Special Lunatic maintains
(And says he's proved by demonstration
With long and unremitting pains)
The theory of transmigration,
And holds the same to be the fate
Of objects quite inanimate.
To bits of paper he assigns
This aptitude for transmigration,
And stoutly holds that valentines
Are just the happy consummation-
The perfect form for which they sigh;
The full completed butterfly.
Possessing leisure to devote
To proving all the things he'd stated,
He got a scrap of super. note,
And locked it up, and sat and waited;
And in a month, by lying still,
It had become a butcher's bill!
Again he locked it up, and sat
In glad and patient expectation;
And in another month from that
The bill, as he's prepared to vow,
Was, strange to say, receipted now!
Repeatedly he tried this strange
Experiment, he tells the writer,-
The scrap at each successive change
Becoming pleasanter and brighter:
Transforming, infer alia, to
A dinner card and billet doux.
At length one day that patient chap,
That indefatigable diver,
Within the box beheld the scrap
Transmuted to a brand-new "fiver."
(Such trifles truly fall not thick
Around our Special Lunatic!)
The scrap appearing near the end
Of its protracted transmigration,
The owner showed it to a friend
(Desiring full investigation)
Who took it round the corner, quite
Convinced he 'd get a better light.
Sincerely grieved, that friend explained,
That friend extremely well-intentioned,
That on the instant when he gained
The favourable corner mentioned,
The note-to his surprise and pain-
Became a simple scrap again I
He very frankly showed a scrap
(Which proved the truth of what he stated);
Our Special Lunat*i poor chap,
Has found his hopes are dissipated,-
And with the scrap within a line
Of turning out a valentine!
No. V.-NICODEMUS CRAWLEY.
ONE of the most cheering signs of the onward march of civilization is
the delicious and steady improvement in valentines, at least ladies say
so, and they are always right. Valentines get more costly every year-
dull as all men are. We personally do not revel in the knowledge of
this fact; but the ladies do, so it is enough. Our notion about sending
a valentine is that it is well to be able to judge your time correctly-the
time, we mean, when the gift arrives. Surely it is pleasant to gaze on the
galopshus delight you give to the lady recipient, and eventually accept-
ing the reward of your generosity in a practical manner.
Miss Ida Greyson, to whom Nicodemus Crawley happened to be en-
gaged, was a stately girl, whose exquisite beauty was perhaps her least
charm, for she was devout and High Church, consequently loved and
respected. Yes 1-a brave tender spirit flashed from her eyes, while her
dead bronze hair surrounded her magnificent head like a glory.
Nicodemus's stout Aunt Maria was an elderly wealthy spinster, whose
round happy face reminded one of a ripe golden pippin. Strange to
say, Aunt Maria loved humorous valentines, and Nicodemus, though he
liked it not (for he was staid and severe in nature), used to send her a
batch every Valentine's Day regularly ; for was she not his only relative,
and had promised to leave him all her fortune ?
On St. Valentine's evening Crawley would call, and find his chubby
relative wreathed in smiles as she read aloud her valentine verses-
Here comes auntie, drunk again,
The gin goes down her neck like rain;"
or gazing with mirthful rapture at the picture of a cheerful spinster with
a red nose, and a wash-tub, and a line of clothes drying gracefully in the
background. Then auntie perhaps remarked, You sad dog, Nico-
demus, you sent these, you know you did," On these occasions a vacant
smile pervaded Crawley's countenance, and a faint blush mounted to the
roots of his sandy hair as he acknowledged his frivol.
One Valentine's morn early, Nicodemus posted three packets: a batch
of comic sheets for Aunt Maria, a gold lever hunting watch for Ida care-
fully packed in a chocolate cream box, and a box of chocolate creams
for the barmaid at the restaurant he dined at. That selfsame evening
Crawley called on Ida, who received him with flashing eyes and com-
pressed lips. "Quit my presence she uttered, in a gasping sort of
hiss; "wicked man, you have sent me chocolate creams in Lent He
quitted. That selfsame evening he called on Aunt Maria, who received
him with a stony glare. She was not alone I A Stiggins-like gentleman
sat opposite to her reading a comic valentine-" Catch me marrying
under a thousand a year I" the picture being an elderly lady powdering
The Stigginslike one warbled gently, Young man, your aunt is going
to marry me; it is you who have sent this giddy idle trash to her. She
and I thoroughly disapprove of your discreditable conduct. Leave the
house I become converted, and try to lead a better life!"
Aunt Maria nodded a sanctimonious assent. He left. On his way
home he called in at the Albany Restaurant bar, and saw the presiding
young lady there showing a group of admirers a gold lever hunting watch,
and heard her say, Ain't it kind of him ? "
Then Nicodemus Crawley rushed madly down to Charing Cross pier,
intending to throw himself into the river; but it looked too cold-so he
went home to bed and wept. That's all.
66 F' N. FEBRUARY 14, 1883.
MORE FRANKENSTEIN BUSINESS.
" AH," said the Business Man, "I see who delays my important letters It's those lazy hulks St. Valentine with hYs tons of flowery rubbish, and Cupid with his bales
of love-letters, and Father Christmas with his sackfuls of trumpery cards! I'll just see to this-business first, and pleasure-pooh! at any time."
So the Business Man got St. Valentine sent off to a reformatory, and Cupid to an industrial school (as his mother wouldn't undertake to keep him under control),
and Father Christmas to Portland. Then he went into his office and kept muttering Business first," as he built up for himself a Demon out of ledgers and rulers.
And the Demon's name was Business First.
first,' you know
SAnd after manv ears the Business Man said, "There. Now I've made a comfortable bit, I'11 sit down and enjoy my declining days with my family."
rOha will you ?" said the Demon Busiess First. I 've abolished families and enjoyment and all that nonsense; you'dee, I ve cleared off the carpets and
u ins, and thrown all the old port into the sea; and I've just called for that easy chair-I 've a nice tall hard office-stool for you instead. Ho! ho! Business
HOME, SWEET HOME.
GAILY the Grand Old Man
Sat in the car
As he was hastening
Home from afar,
Singing." From Carnival
Frolics I come;
Welcome me home !"
She to her newspaper
How he'd been revelling
Singing, To Parliament
Needs thou must come;
Quitting Cannes, Grand Old Man,
Hasten thee home!'
Blithely the Grand Old Man,
Ailing no more,
Stepp'd from the Channel boat
On to the shore,
Singing, Thy Valentine
Hither has come;
Welcome me home!"
- ~- ~
' HOME, SWEET HOME."-BRITIFIA'S VALENTINE TO WILLIAM.
WE oft sent each other a valentine,
Less noted for sense than show ;
For we both were then in the "sweetheart" line,
And worshipped devotedly at the shrine
Of the Boy with the quiver and bow.
Yes, I was enacting the wooer's part,
For you had ensnared my youthful heart
Two or three years ago.
Those valentine-tokens were rather neat,
And they set our young hearts aglow ;
They were redolent, too, of a perfume sweet,
And their verses (though shaky," perhaps, on their feet)
Had quite a romantic flow;
And very profusely decked with flowers,
With "loves" and "doves," and leafy bowers,"
Were our valentines years ago.
How joyous we were each St. Valentine's Day,
And we eagerly looked, I trow,
For those lace-paper trifles so bright and gay
That came to our doors in the usual way,
That is, by the G.P.O.
And we gazed with delight on their Cupids" and "cots,"
On their pansies and roses, and true-love knots,
When we courted some years ago.
Ah, yes, in those days we were very green"
(Most sweethearts are that, you know),
I frequently called you my heart's own queen,"
And deemed that expression was all too mean-
Yes, much too sedate and slow.
To each other we spooney epistles penned,
Both vowing our love would never end,
When we courted some years ago.
And what's the result ? In these after years
Have we kept so romantic? No !
We are married now-one in hopes and fears,
One in gladness, in sorrow, in smiles and tears,
And our love hasn't so much show;
But, please God, wee wife, our affection will last,
For 't is much more earnest than 't was in the past,
In our spooneyhood years ago.
FEBRUARY 14, 1883. F TN 7 1
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT,
NEW SERIES. No. 33.-A SONG OF JERKINESS.
AIR-" Oh, Mary!"
HAVE you read the papers?
Have you heard the news?
Early hours for drapers
(Nobody should refuse).
Mr. Booth in Switzerland
Tries "converting" it out of hand;
But the populace
At his comic capers.
(Oh! ohI ohI oh1)
Bradford juries teem with wit!
(Oh! oh! oh! ohl)
Pretty sort of verdict!
(As perhaps you knew)
Had a useful, cheering,
Terrible nice review.
Soon they'll ope St. James's Park
(Extra guarding it) after dark;
Seems a better 'un;
(Oh! oh! oh! oh!)
"Woman's Rights have grown so strong-
(Oh! oh! oh! oh!)
Sancta Valentina 1
Crews of Cam and Isis
Getting into swing;
France is "on the crisis"
(Regular kind of thing).
Oh I that burglar's baffled rage
At the pistol of brave Miss Page,
For she, luckily,
Used it pluckily,
Which extremely nice is.
(Oh oh oh! oh!)
(Oh! oh! oh! oh!)
Vandals talk of running
Trains through Borrowdale.
(Wouldn't it be stunning
Seeing the boobies fail?)
At last they're going to crown the Czar
(At least, officially say they are;
People will be funning);
(Oh! oh! oh! oh!)
Sarah's jewels had to go,
(Oh! oh! oh! oh!)
Isn't it a pity?
AND THAT'S HOW IT WILL BE.
COMMON SENSE one morning prepared to start on her rounds. "Let
me see," thought she, turning over her memorandum-book: "I have
to say a word to Jones about those shares of his, and touch up Smith
about his insurance, and jog Brown's memory about the wedding."
So first she went to seek Jones in his office; but he wasn't there, but
just going out of his house-door, and his appearance gave Common
Sense a shock, for he had a great blue scarf, and a blue hat, and blue
ties to his shces, and a blue handkerchief.
I called to remind you to sell those shares in the treacle mine," said
she, "you are aware that the concern is quite-"
"All right, I know," replied Jones hurriedly ; "but I can't attend to
them now; I 've to attend a meeting of the Blue Ribbon Army." And
off he rushed, and lost all his money. Such a practical man he used
to be, too mused Common Sense, and went to find Smith.
*.. ; -'. .
1ie wasn't at his place of business either, but she found him, clad en-
tirely in yellow, making a speech against total abstinence in a room at
the "Gnat and Thunderbolt." She pulled his coat-tail and whispered,
"Don't forget that your lease will be forfeited if you don't pay that in-
surance at once." Eh? said Smith. "Oh-all right-can't bother
now-let it be forfeited. This is a most important meeting of the Yellow
Ribbon Army." And he went on speaking, and forfeited his lease.
" Such a very sensible man Smith was, too !" said Common Sense; and
off she went to find Brown, and remind him that he had better take a
cab, as his intended, with the five thousand a year, was waiting at the
church. But Brown (who was got up in a cocked hat, and tinsel epau-
lettes, and a brigand's belt, and top-boots, and a breastplate), said,
" Hang it I can't you see I have to lead a company of the Salvation
Army ? Be off-bother my intended !" And Brown went off, howling
at the head of his company, and lost his heiress. "What can have
come over them ? sobbed Common Sense, and went to find the Prime
Minister (not the Grand Old Man; this is an impersonal narrative).
"Don't forget about that despatch to the Czar," said she; "you know
there will certainly be a war unless the despatch is sent." Pooh 1-hang
the despatch I" said the Premier ; "war or no war, I have to lead that
procession of the Gin and Skittles Army, and that 's all about it; and
the Premier dressed himself up in spangles, armed himself with a blud-
geon, and the war broke out. Beginning to despair, poor Common
Sense called on the Archbishop of Canterbury. I called to remind you
about that anti-disestablishment scheme ; you know if it isn't carried
out promptly there is most imminent danger of--"
"Jigger the danger, and the scheme too! yelled the Primate (not
the present one; see previous note) ; I've got to go to a fight between
the Ballet-and-Buffoonery Army and the Music-Hall-Masher Army-be
off." And the Primate rigged himself as a clown, filled his pocket with
big stones, and made off; and the Church of England was disestablished.
Then poor Common Sense gave it up as a bad job, and tried to get
home and hide her head ; but wherever she turned she was buffeted by
a yelling army," and had narrow escapes of getting between two
armies and being killed. For wherever any army met any other a fight
was sure to ensue, until half England had its heads broken.
What is the matter with what used to be my native land ?" sobbed
Common Sense on the breast of FUN. Gone mad," he said.
Is there not one left unconnected with any insane army ? asked she.
"The Royal Family and myself-that 's all," said FUN.
And if you don't believe it, read your papers and judge for yourself
what things are coming to.
THE MOST OBSTINATE FORM OF GRIEF.-" Mule "-tears.
YEARS, years ago, when I was young,
Ere yet I 'd learned to wag a tongue,
To me one woman seemed divine,
All other women far above;
She was my first, my truest love-
My mother was my valentine.
Then time rolled on, another came, 'T was but a childish passion.-Then
And I was scorched by Cupid's flame Came one who 'slaved the hearts of men,
(She was my school chum's baby-sister). Though far my senior, I confess;
She promised, nestling to my side, A learned maid of thirty four
That in ten years she d be my bride Was she. Ah me! I did adore
As neathh the garden wall I kissed her. My little brother's governess.
I Iw^' --- ~ /--- 11i
Next came the fairest of the fair,
With whom I fondly hoped to pair;
I thought such beauty must be true-
With stolen glance, with meaning smile,
With whispered word to hearts beguile.
She jilted me!-A good job too!
1 -_ I &I OSEaM
I wiser grew as I grew old, Then came a most expensive freak:
For beauty's nought compared with gold,. I loved a fairy, pink of cheek,
And wealth was what I held most dear. Who capered nightly on the stage;
My valentine this time was plain But valentines of diamond rings
But rich. Alas! I failed again I found were far too costly things
She wedded with a gouty peer. For one who earned a humble wage.
So years sped on, and Cupid's dart
No more had power to wound my heart;
I cared for none, none cared for me,
Till, blessed with years above threescore,
I fell o'er head and ears once more,
The victim of a child of three I
And as she lifts her eyes to mine,
I see once more my valentine,
And in her face recall the past;
And as she nestles to my breast
(I feel the fact must be contest),
My true loves were my first and last.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
DEAR Sis,-I trust you won't be hurt if, for a moment, I revert to
previous remarks of mine in my vaticinating line about the well-known
Coursing Cup, whose winning dog and runner-up upon the plains of
famed Altcar most clearly indicated are in-what, in fact, I said before
(in which I hope I do not bore). To those remarks I have to add I 've
thought it out again, my lad, and having got it in my grip, next week
I'll give another tip. My tip this week will be, old chap,
THE FOUR OAKS HURDLE HANDICAP,
There may be hope, there may be joy
In Mr. Howard's Fontenoy;
The guerdon of success may be
In Mr. Jones's Policy,
Or Mr. Moore's The Barbican ;
And some will raise exultant toons
To chances such as poor Quadroon's;
And some will plant their quids" again
In hopes King Archibong may reign ;
Or Prefect" quotha is the man.
But here the Prophet winks his eye
And tells the Sibyl not to lie,
And warns the Fates to back his choice,
And listen to his awful voice
(He's husky with a harsh catarrh).
And then aside his face he twists-
I see Dutch Organ in the lists,
I see Ridotto do his best,
I see Attache and the rest,
With Theodora first Hoorah "
Here let the Prophet pause awhile, with satisfaction in his smile and
sweet contentment in his heart, and call on all his friends to "part in
.recognition of his claims as one of most exalted aims, who beats his rivals
stiff and stark (cheques should be crossed, I may remark). Next week
I have in store for you a very useful hint or two (in hopes you '11 kindly
"keep them dark ") about a race at Sandown Park; and that, Sir, in
addition to my tip about the Waterloo. Good bye.
Yours (on another plan),
TROPHONIUS (the Grand Old Man)
F BRUARY 14 1883 FUN. 73
/ "4 A-
I. The Seven Ages of a Valentine. 5. Brown, having a very Pretty Daughter, adopts precau-
2. Visions of Plenty. tionary measures for Valentine's Morning.
3. A Pretty Veil and Tye-in. 6. Valentines, Twenty a Penny (like Christmras Cards).
4. The Fourteenth.
7. The Wiggle-Waggle Walentine.
8. Decorative Treatment of the Subject by
our own Heartist.
ai" To CORRESPONDENTS.-'-The Editor does not bind himself to acknjwledge, return, or fpay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamftd and directed envelope.
Y nga Lady (wiki uly Val.").-"GOOD GRACIOUS, AUNTIE!
My scorn for you is very hearty, yo
Elderly Spinster (with pretty one).-"MISTAKE? DEAR ME, NO, C
0 dearest one, whose beauty is divine
I DON'T SEE HOW THERE CAN BE ANY MISTAKE IN THAT. BESIDE
[N. '.-It is very awkward som
The Value of "Vals."
(By Our Growler,)
THE valentines, all hearts" and wings,"
That lovers buy with such avidity,
Are foolish, ay, and (d)artful things
To undermine the mind's solidity.
And that rude undressed boy, forsooth,
Is but an (n)arrow-minded youth
Who always inculcates Cupid-ity.
An In-new-man Suggestion.
THE correspondent of a daily paper states that Mr. Gladstone has so
greatly benefited by his holiday at Cannes that he is "quite a new man,"
Is it possible that he is to be styled the Grand New Man in the future?
VALENTINES.-Those produced by Mr. Alfred Gray, from designs by
himself and Mr. W. G. Baxter, display a fine perception of character
and caricature-a rich vein of humour ard great simplicity of style.
,S The Original and only
SI C euine produces delicious
I Custards without Eggs, at
DB IR D O hale cost and troabe.
Sow W D R
hamn, will Ied| \ ^E T ^fl *f *-
: receipt of Hae met a, lth geeral approbaton.
address, post-free, "PASTRY AND SWEETS."-A Little teal pencil, aad rus neaile scratch uo
Work containing Practical Hints and Original Recipes for ro aded by a now process. Six Pri e
Tasty Dishes for the Dinner and Supper Table. S tnDle eBoxe.6d.: Do-free.7ampapstot
SFBRUARY 14 IS83.
I 'M AFRAID THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE IN THESE VALEN-
aU ugly, mischief-making party.'"
HILD. MINE IS EVIDENTLY ALL RIGHT:
accept this token as a valentine.'
S, THIS BRACELET IS JUST MY SIZE."
dimes to have the same Christian and surname as one of your relatives.
DICK BOULINs'S FOUR-IN-HAND.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."-Reynolds's.
LIFE IN LODGINGS.
ByTOMHOOD. With One Hundred Illustrations by FREDERICK BARNARD.
A capital little book, full of clever illustrations from the versatile pencil of Frederick Barnard."
MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE. An Illu trated Novelette.
The author has a story to tell, and tells it in a clever fashion."-Picltrial Itorld.
J. F. SULLIVAN'S WORKS. Boards, os. 6d.; fast-free, 3s. eaci.
THE BRITISH WORKING MAN, by One who does not Believe in Him.
AND OTHER SKETCHES.
S'.lutevcr funny or grotesque Mr. Sullivan's pictures are, there is nearly always a serious purpose
ti tlihem, aid we close his book wiser, if not sadder, from its perusal."-Graphic.
IHE BRITISH TRADESMAN, And Other Sketches,
INCLUDING THE COMPLETE BUILDER.
hIlis letterpreso is as funny as are his drawings. We ha with real pleasure his volume '-
"UN" OFFICE, .LIEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.
Cocoa thickens in the
cup, it proves the ad- U ,
wrte as sroomy oa edition of Starch.
th PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING !!
FEBRUARY 21, 18S3.
NEARING THE END.
Farmer (sardonically).-"'OW AM I GETTING' ON? FUST-RATE I IT'S A AGE 0 'PROGRESS, IS THIS 'RRE. GITS NEARER 'HE
WORKS EVERY YEAR!"
WATERLOO CUP AND SANDOWN PARK.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FON."
DEAR SIR,-I 'm sending you to-day the very last I have to say (till
Time next year my elbow jogs) about the Derby of the dogs; and
though my tip be but a guess, I feel I shall secure success-at least I
mean to have a try (of course you '11 understand that I am in these words
alluding to the Cup they call "the Waterloo ")-although I can't asseve-
rate what dogs they each will nominate, Lord Haddington's and Stockens*
choice and Mr. Hilliard's have my voice, nor should I be surprised to
see the winning two among the three ; but other claims I must rehearse,
and that were better done in verse, that I may have them on the hip, so
pray accept this
The Prophet slowly knits his brow and gathers all his wit
(His brow's the only thing he ever knew the way to kni7),
He draws his figure proudly up until he's nearly strait-
His way before indulging in a grand vaticinate ;
And then you '11 see that Grand Old Man proceed to deeply think,
And then you '11 see him execute his customary wink,
And then you '11 see his glassy gaze at visions far away,
And then you '11 hear him clear his throat, and then you'll hear him
"A many think Brynhilda fair is pretty sure to win,
A many say that Stormy Night will sweep away the tin,
A many hold Edwina Balfe will make us change our tune,
A many swear Vendetta's sure to startle the commune,f
A many feel that Hunting Horn's unlikely to be blown,
A many hint that they 'd be rich were Beauty all their own,
A many hope that Wightman is the right man and no less,
A many wish to get upon the Rota for success.
It should be Mr. S. by right-the rhythm makes me impolite.
t This doesn't mean commune, you see; it only means community.
But though the Fleecer's certain chance the Prophet does applaud,
And though he does anticipate success for Pious Fraud,
And though he eyes Destruction with anticipative glee,
And though he's gone and laid a mag on Lady Maggie-see?
And though that Dry Remark is pretty sure to leave a sting,
And though that Royal Sovereign has quite the proper ring,
And Herty Beard is sure to gain some countenance, he sees-
He means to make his bets upon Rhodora, if you please."
And now I '11 make a slight remark about the meet at Sandown Park,
and first and foremost I will place the Prince of Wales's Steeplechase ;
in point of fact, in comes so pat that I will give a tip for that, and that
alone, if you '11 permit, and this, I beg to say, is it :-On Von der Tann
I'd place the pot, or look for something from the Scot, and something
opened up should be with Solver, boys, or else Latchkey; and, pr'ythee,
turn not up the nose at Chancellor or Golden Rose, and trot the School-
girl out you may, or yield to magic of the Fay; but Corky should be
backed by you, and then you will be corky too, and say the nicest
things you can.
TROPrNIrnsr (the Grand Old Man).
And the Bloated Yoke.
ARCHBISHOP CROKE is reported to say, in reply to a letter, that he
is "more than ever thoroughly (1) convinced that until the Irish people
get into their own hands the management of their own affairs, and shake
off a bloated and useless yoke, they," and so on. Tht re 's a nice Croke
for you !
THE Free Church Presbytery at Nairn have adopted an address to the
General Assembly denouncing the "unscriptural and sinful" introduc-
tion of organs and other musical instruments into churches. This being
so, it seems at least unsuitable, if not "unscriptural and sinful," for them
to style their address an "overture."
VOL. XXXVII.-NO. 928.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
Little Hans, and Miss R
Several changes have been made since the
first representation of the piece, to the in-
crease of its attractions on the whole. Miss ;'3 \J
Ada Wilson, who appears as heretofore as
the Rhine Fay, has a new dance in the first THE COMEDY.-THE FAIRY BARMAID TEMPTS RIP WITH THE
act, in which she exhibits all the easy grace DRAUGHT PREPARED BY THE DEMON ADULTERATOR.
and nonchalant neatness which is the peculiar charm of her very original Regiment, a success which
style; Miss when some very
Camille Dubois necessary com-
appears as Kat- pression is I
rina vice Miss made, some
<- l ,^ SadieMartinot, quite unneces-
(,,* .. "which is vocally sary equivoques,
an improve- and some el-
ment, though derly and not
not strikingly very refined or
so, and Miss humorous allu-
Dubois is a little sions to a place
too anxious to of torment and
SK make her points the wardrobe of
to be quite suc- our first parents
cessful, though are eliminated.
she is a very The plot is -
pleasant figure trivial, and
.in the picture, abounds in cru-
Y costumed in a dities, but there
pretty combi- is much clever-
nation of black ness in the dia-
and yellow; logue, and some
S. Mr. Rowland displayofknow.
THE COMRED.-SWEETS TO THE SWEET FLOWERS TO THE BCkstoe n is ledge in the
VIOLET. now the Knick- construction. THE
erbocker, Mr. Mr. Gerald
F. Darrell takes the place of Mr. Rising, Miss Minnie Raynor plays Moore gave an admirable
FEBRUARY 21, 1883.
IP VAA' WIN- Bugler, leaves
KLE, as an in- the army in the
genuous con- last act to be-
temporary puts come Vedder's
it, has entered potboy-ahl
its second cen- and without
tury, which, as growing a day
even in these older, either, in
days of long twenty years.
runs, no one Mr. Brough's
will believe the American Citi-
piece to have zen is better
really run for a than his Dutch
hundred years, Settler, but both
1 we may take to are very droll;
be our friend's and he has
Sway of saying added to the at. 1
that it has run tractions of the
Sfr a hundred former a funny
nights. That bit of business
is so; and if it with his cigar.
$- were to run for
another two A second ex-
TImE COREDY.-A PROTECTOR FROM THE Low COUNTRIES. hundred, it peience of the THE
more, from alter the opinion
some points of view, than it merits. Mr. Leslie's performance was so that it is not what might 1
good from the first, that the mellowing pro-. -- .
cess of time has added little to its excellence ---- --
beyond the ease of assured success; in its
consistency of conception, perfect grasp and .- '
delicate handling, it is a piece of acting which p- ."- /' '\ '
deserves to be remembered side by side with
the best triumphs of the art: hypercriticism .
(and your "comic" notice is nothing with-
out hypercriticism) may suggest doubts as to
the Dutch or German, or even Irish, origin
of the dialect, and suspicion may light upon
one word used-" hame"-as being of Scotch '
extraction; but in the face of such a fine ,
natural touch (among others) as the senile '2i 1' ''
triumph with which the old man in the last
act, hollow-voiced and trembling, sings the I
at last remembered tune, swamps all minor
considerations, and forces honest and hearty
tiful and instructive sight; by an adroit divi-
sion of myself into two I was enabled to see
both pieces throughout.
Thanks to a very efficient cast and a vL r
friendly audience, Mr. Hamilton may be
credited with a decided success with Our
may even be confirmed by a general audience
VAUDEVILLE.-SHE THINKS SHE'LL LANCER.
performance ofa characteristic part, and most
os: Moncrieff, th ugh retaining her place as
CO.MEDv.-A GOOD CATCH WITH A BACCA-ROLL.
Fumer DO IT.
have been expected of the author of Les Clocd.s
de Corneville, but the touch of the master-
hand is obvious in Rip's first song, the song
with the children, which Mr. Leslie gives
with such truthful sentiment (although nearly
spoilt by the rather purposeless and incon-
gruous kneeling of the children), and the
now-famous Letter Song. The scenery is
Morning performances, or, to be technical,
matinees, are assuming portentous and alarm-
ing proportions. An overwhelming majority
of afternoons (morning performances are al-
ways held in the afternoon) during a recent
fortnight were devoted to this strange growth
of modern times, and the climax was reached
on the 13th, when we were treated to a couple
simultaneously. To see the critics dodging
about from one house to another was a beau-
FEBRUARY 21, 1883. F JN 77
~ :2>~ ~K. &7 .Nv,
of the success obtained was due to his efforts, the subtler ex-
cellence of Mr. Glenny's acting as the curate, and Miss
Fanny Brough's earnest work in a not very admirable part-
her touch of emotion in the last act had the true ring. Mrs.
Leigh was very good in a conventional part, and Miss Maggie
Hunt, whose art is maturing rapidly, and Miss Goldney,
merit some praise, NESTOR.
Crowned at Last.
(THE CZAR'S ADDRESS BETWEEN THE LINES.)
PEOPLE, your faithful sovereign calls
Upon you from his iron-clad halls,
Where he's been able to give balls
That "went off" without killing;
Of late he's found his regal lot
Unchequered by a single shot;
The subjects don't seem fit "to pot"
Their sovereign, though they're willing;
And so your Little Father sends
A greeting to tax-paying friends,
And begs to state that he intends
To crown your aspiration.
I won't remit your taxes, no I
Nor give you parliaments, they 're low;
But one great all-consoling show,
My tardy coronation.
They'll whimper no more for free land
Who see their Czar sublimely stand,
And crown him with his own right hand;
They '11 pule for no poor progress,
When dazed, dumbfoundered, overawed
By orb and crown, by cross and gaud;
They '11 vote equality a fraud,
And Liberty an ogress.
And that they may enjoy the more
The crowning, block each Kremlin door,
Prop up the ceiling, sound the floor,
Have guns in each street pointed,
So that my loving people may,
When out I come that festive day
And meet my fate, for comfort say
"At least he died anointed."
Weather or No.
A MOST welcome piece of news is conveyed in the short
sentence, "The Bishop of Peterborough has left the palace,
and taken up his residence at Stoke Dry." It is comforting
to know that there is a Dry place in England during the pre-
sent moist management.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT THE WAR EXHIBITION.
WHEN you originally engaged me to do piece work for you, Sir, I
little thought you would ever send me to do a War Exhibition. But I
did not refuse to undertake your commission last Wednesday, for all
that; and I wish, by the way, you had sent along your uniform with
your commission, for then I could have gone in half-price. I made a
try as it was. "Mr. Doorkeeper," I said on arriving at Humphrey's
Hall, Knightsbridge, and putting down my money, "you admit the
public at an uniform rate, I think?"
"Certainly, sir," replied the official.
Well, then," I rejoined, "as I see you announce that men in uni-
form are to go in at half-price, perhaps you will give me some more
But the only further change I saw was that which passed over his ex-
I went in, however, and was just in time to find H.R.H. the Duke of
Cambridge declaring the War Exhibition open; so I was too late to ask
why a Theatre of War had not been hired for the occasion. In fact, as
the Duke had a very large staff with him, I did not think it worth while
to raise the point, nor, in fact, to ask him whether he could not even yet
give appropriate local colour to a War Exhibition by moving it to the
Albert Hall, thus associating it with the Gore just outside.
H.R.H. did not allude to the fact that the Exhibition had taken place
during a season when many churchmen might object to patronize it; but
I am in a position to state that the promoters, finding that well-nigh
every, exhibit was furnished by way ot a loan, thought it only meet (or
should I say salt fish ?) and right to make it a Lent Exhibition.
One of the most prominent articles in the hall was Arabi's Tent.
Tents are made to be sat-in, as a rule, but this is chiefly of silk. It is
lavishly embroidered, but I could not find in it the tent-er-hooks on
which Arabi is said to have been kept. By the way, it was in this tent
that Arabi, hitherto a Pasha, turned to Bey I The tent did not turn,
however, or it would have become a baize one, would it not ?
The bombshells lent by the Prince of Wales are fortunately shown
without any extra charge. I say fortunately, because one of them burst
even with the original charge. But all charges have now been with-
drawn, and the shells left the court, or rather Marlborough House,
without any further stain upon their a-bomb-inable character.
The army ambulances will be found most interesting, and if my sug-
gestion is carried out, and a set of ambu-lancers be danced to the Guards'
band, I am sure this will prove a popular feature of the show.
I wanted to draw Toulba Pasha's sword, thinking it would make an
interesting "cut" for your paper, Sir. But the committee objected, and
perhaps it was as well they did, for after all, Sir, you would scarcely
like your E.-S. to degenerate into amere "paper-cutter," now, would you?
The various kinds of guns-the Nordenfelt, which must be seen to be
believed, the muzzle-loaders, which proved too much for the Muzzle-
mans in Egypt, the Gatlings, &c.,-may be studied with much interest.
One I saw loaded by electricity. I suppose they will load them with
a loadstone next. Even whilst I stood looking I distinctly remarked a
partisan of breechloading guns loading an Armstrong with abuse.
But my space is gone, Sir, though I must just allude to the excellent
music discoursed by the military bands, who couldn't play their parts
better if they were really at the Theatre of War. And now, to adopt
a military phraseology, let me say "Halt! Right about face I" or rather,
I must not write about anything this week, for I have no more room left.
RATHER A SHARP ATTACK.
Farm Laa.-" HEy A DRINK O' WATER, MUSTER MUGFORD? IT'S
NICE AND FRESH; DO YEW GOOD AFTER LAST NIGHT."
Mr. Mugford.-" AH, WILLIAM, OF COURSE YOU ARE THE LAD WHO
KINDLY ASSISTED ME HOME. DID I SEEM VERY FAINT ? "
Farm Lad.-" WELL, YEW DID SEEM STRANGE LOIKE. WHEN I FUST
SEED YEE, YEW WAS A-SITTIN' IN A PUDDLE BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
YONDER, A-MAKIN' GRABS AT THE FOIVE-BAR GATE, AND A-SHOUTIN'
YOU'D BE BLOWED IF YOU WOULDN'T KETCH THET THEER BED OF YOURN
THE NEXT TIME IT CAME ROUND."
FEBRUARY 21, 1883
J. B. IN THE STREETS.
John Bull is always being held up as an adeptin all that appertains to home and its comforts. Quite so; at hone J. B.is quite at hom.; but just let the
miserable creature venture out into the streets, and he is dazed-lost! Bless me !" says he helplessly, "here's mud! What am I to do with i?" Then, feeling
he must do something, he shouts at the houseoccupier, Here, you-what's all this mess? Look you here-you-you pay rates to have the path cleansed, so-
so just clean it yourself, or, by Jove, I'll- "
Then he comes to the question of making the roads, and here, af er experiment
,,I I' '' ', ,
Then, above .l, whe.i i i-roadb ari made in some sort of way, there arises the question, 'Who's to have the right to use 'em?" "Deary me says J. B. hope-
lessly hahere's a rough attacking a procession I Which ought I to put down?" And it goes without saying that he puts down the procession, and leaves the rough
ii;'__________ Ii iI~i ,*~,
F U N .-FEBRUARY 21, 1883.
,1-,/ -.1 ,;. f, ,
TELEPHONIC STATESMANSHIP: A SUGGESTION.
HOW OUR BELOVED WILLIAM MIGHT GIVE THE HOUSE THE tiENEFIT OF HIS ELOQUENCE WHILE
ENTOYING THE BREEZES OF CANNES.
SCENE-MR. GLADSTONE in the Chlaeau Scott at Cannes, standing before a telephone
apfiaratus laid on to the London House of Commons.
LORD HARTINGTON'S voice. Hi! Gladstone! All the questions are got through,
We 're waiting : are you ready to explain
The full intentions of the Ministry?
MR. GLADSTONE. Ready? Of course! The monster telephone
Switch on. Here goes, then.-" Mr. Speaker, sir,
I rise with the permission of the House." (Cheers)-
Ha, ha! applause. I wonder what old Brand
Would say if he but knew I wore my hat ?-
To tell in merely half a dozen words
The present purpose of the Government.
For brevity, it shall be classified
Under some twenty heads." (Laughter.)-Hark, Kitty, hark!
Already does the Opposition jeer.
Bring me a flagon of ripe Burgundy;
I'll let them have it.-" They who love to scoff
At absent men, oft sing a different tune
When meeting their opponents face to face." (Loud cheers.)-
I think I have the better ot them, both
In point of argument and atmosphere.-
But to resume." (Hear, hear.)-And, oh, the luxury
Of making speeches thus at perfect ease
In holiday attire !-" Beyond a doubt
The times are ticklish, and I therefore beg
Your very best attention." (Cheers.)-Kitty, dear,
Just try to make the French cook understand
That dinner can be served up two hours hence.
(And so on ad lib.)
FEBRUARY 21, I883. F U N .
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NEw SERIES. No. 34.-A SONG OF OBSERVATION.
AIR-" The Day I Marry Luce."
THE Ponte Vecchio, we hear,
Will probably come down-
If not by water-wearing pier,
By order of the town.
Blackfriars Bridge they'll wider make
(The railway bridge, I mean);
But that's a thing that's sure to take
Some time, as will be seen.
Oh, won't they have a bully time, those engineering people ?
The bill may be a little one or long as any steeple;
But, if they prop the former up and fitly build the latter,
We '11 only say
"Hip! Hip! Hoorayl
It doesn't greatly matter."
The Frenchmen still are on the bore,
And anxious to intrude
(It is the channel from their shore
To which we now allude);
With persevering energee
They're working from their side,
Which, after all, may prove to be
Suppose the British Parliament decree that we must drop it ?
The enterprising Frenchmen then will also have to stop it :
We wouldn't say a word that might be taken in a chaff way,
But we don't care
Compelled to stop it hatfiway.
The Malagasy Envoy folks
Will shortly say good bye;"
In Zululand they 're having jokes
(Partition's all our eye)
The floods are out in all the lands,
And folks are sore distrest ;
And now's the time for helping hands
To do their "level best ;"
But won't there be a bully time if Ireland gets the chance to?
They 'll bully England off the seas (or else encourage France to);
But as that time is not as yet approaching in the distance,
We'll sit us down
Without a frown,
And offer no resistance.
Some say they can't (and loudly scoff),
While others say they can
Obtain the 'Lothian speeches of
Old England's Grand Old Man.
Another crisis France's land
Is very busy at;
They will not have Miss Booth and band
The Swiss have told her flat.
It must have been a "bully" time, and anything but barmy,
That made Damala leave the stage and go and join the army ;
And now they 're going a-fishing for Sir Francis Drake his coffin,
And so I think
I'll take a drink,
And watch 'em from the offin'.
A DESPERATE UNDERTAKING.
IT was the midnight which followed Wednesday, February 7th. A
laden vessel arrived in the docks. Cautiously, and glancing hurriedly
on every side as if in deadly apprehension, the reporter crept to the
vessel's side and scribbled hastily in his notebook :-" The steamship
Sorrento, from New Zealand, with a car- ." Then the reporter fled
hastily towards the swift steed that waited for him round the corner, for
he was pursued by a muffled figure with a blue apron, wielding a long
knife. The unhappy reporter has not been heard of since.
But somehow the tidings of truth sped on; for, seated in his most
secluded chamber, and protected by his most heavily-barred door, the
editor nervously penned the glad report for press. Yes, the editor
himself; for none other on the paper dared to face the dangerous task.
The writing ran thus :-" The steamship Sorrento, from New Zealand,
with a cargo of fro-." Then he looked up nervously, for a swift
chopper was hewing its way through the wall, and in another instant he
was confronted by a figure with a dark blue serge apron, light blue cotton
sleeves, and a gleaming knife. All subsequent inquiries for the
unfortunate editor have proved vain.
Yet the truth crept on. Under the cover of darkness, in the highest
and most inaccessible composing-room, a daring compositor was appre-
hensively setting up type. He had already set up the words :-" The
steamship Sorrento, from New Zealand, with a cargo of frozen-"
when the figure with the dark blue serge apron, light blue cotton sleeves,
sharpening steel, and gleaming knife, stood behind him. The
report as to the missing compositor having gone on a visit to his aunt at
the Mdilstrim is feared to be without foundation.
Still the good news sped on its way. The newsboy cautiously
hurried along, ever and anon glancing to right and left in anxiety. His
face was pale, yet he nobly sought to fulfil his duty. Warily he unveiled
to the gentle reader a paragraph in the newspaper. It ran thus :-"The
steamship Sorrento, from New Zealand, with a cargo of frozen mu-."
But the figure with the dark blue apron, light blue sleeves, sharpening
steel hung from a leather thong, hatchet, and gleaming knife, stood be-
hind him. No hope of recovering the newsboy is entertained.
Yet the message sped on until it reached the right hands. And here
"The steamship Sorrento, from New Zealand, with a cargo of frozen
mutton amounting to 5,838 carcases, arrived in London on Wednesday,
7th February. The average rate at which the meat was purchased by
the butchers was 7d. per pound."
And now-aha !-let the figure in the blue apron come and do his
worst I We have told it, and we are prepared to die in the execution of
our duty. And this is what the newspaper (which seems equally devoted
with ourself) says about it :-" The general consumer is not likely,
therefore, to benefit in the slightest degree by this welcome shipment;
but he will gain indirectly, since every successful arrival of frozen meat
from the antipodes brings nearer the day when he will be able to pur-
chase it direct, and free from the intervention of the ubiquitous middle.
man." Ah, yes I let us hope so.
Meanwhile you-you needn't, don't you know-tell the ubiquitous
middleman-unless he asks you-that we helped to circulate the news.
He's a powerful person, and there's no knowing what awful punishment
on us the "Custom of the Trade" may legalize.
82 FU'N. F-BuRRV 2, 1883.
AN IMPROVED WAY OF BEGGING.
WHO's this has set himself to shout
To all the people round about,
With such malicious, acrid glee,
The most insulting things of me?
He seems to think it's not enough
To dub me Cannibal" and Rough,'
But swears, without the slightest stint
Of language, that I'm lame and squint I
And now he rudely points me out
To all the boys, and bids 'em shout,
And, glaring, teaches them to say
The most insulting sobriquets.
And now he venomously hints
That "windows can be smashed with flints
Which hurt when lighting on the eye' -
And now the little boys let fly.
Anon that man collects a crowd
And, much grimacing, yells aloud
A string of deeds of such a kind
As perfectly revolts the mind;
A string of crimes that would befit
Your downright demon to commit;
And now that man proceeds to name
Myself as author of the same.
I now observe that person fall
To breaking down my garden wall;
And now he is, with bitter hate,
Engaged in tearing down the gate;
And now, with malice-nurtured grin,
He's caught a glimpse of me within ;
And now he writhes with rage and Late,
And seems about to suffocate.
He gasps and chatters, flushes, pales,
And tears himself with all his nails;
He yells with his collected strength
A string of curses miles in length;
He brings himself to such a pass,
He falls exhausted on the grass,
And feebly, his complexion grey
With wasting frenzy, crawls away.
Ahl now he's back. With much delight
He hugs a can of dynamite,
And gaily places this before
And close against my outer door.
Anon, retiring to the road,
He makes that dynamite explode;
And then, with gay exultant grin,
Politely asks if I 'm within.
N^fff ? -
" This little call," says he, I've made
To beg your charitable aid;
You ever "-(here he breathed a curse)-
" Relieve the wretched with your purse,
And you are ever-curse you I yes-
The first to mitigate distress."
This is, it seems, his wonted plan-
The Irish-Agitator man.
No. VI.-MAGGIE TREVOR.
IN Liebig's Chemistry of Food we note that he says, Among all
the arts known to man there is none which enjoys a juster appreciation,
and the products of which are more universally admired, than that
which is concerned in the preparation of our food."
Cooking is a fine art. Even Lord Wolseley, of Cairo, recently said
something in a speech insinuating that if he had been born a tinker he
would have tried to make better Fots and pans than any other tinker.
The great little General, for once in his life, fell into a slight error.
The usual idea is that tinkers are not in the habit of making pots and
pans; but the sentiment was laudable, and the General was no doubt
thinking of cooking at the time-not cooking reports, nor puffs, of
course. What have pots and pans to do with these? We may here re-
mark that puffs should never be overdone, ani reports are better eaten
raw. No the gallant lord was probably thinking of how well he cooked
the Egyptian's goose. If you do a thing at all try to do it well, particu-
larly anything connected with the culinary department.
Maggie Trevor was the only daughter of the vicar of Spla-hton-super-
Mare, a pretty little picturesque town. Maggie spent her time in making
improvements in the flower-beds of the rectory, and dispensing such
charity as the rector could afford to the impecunious sick and poverty-
stricken inhabitants of Splashton, for the rector had but a poor living.
The summer sun was beaming pleasantly at nature, while Maggie in
a pensive mood gazed tenderly at a favourite geranium, when the rubicund
face of Brigadier-General Peyton Smith almost eclipsed the sun by
appearing suddenly over the rectory hedge, while a sound percolated
through the mouth of the same face indicative of good morning. "Good
morning," returned Maggie; "won't you come in? you are dearly
welcome (which was forward, considering that Peyton Smith was only
a new arrival in the neighbourhood; but, being about sixty, perhaps she
looked upon him as a father). "I accept the welcome," said the General,
and he continued, You are aware that I refused to subscribe to the fund
for sending toasting-forks to the natives of Antigua, tinned tripe to the
inhabitants of the Caribbees, also that I did not look with favour at the
scheme for presenting the aborigines of Central Africa with copies of
Carlyle's works?" "I know I I know I" sobbed Maggie, and charming
she looked in her sun bonnet and loose "Lazenby Liberty handkerchief
tied over her shoulders peasant-like; I know," she sobbed. I wish
to make amends," said the Brigadier. "I will subscribe to the local
school of cookery if you will join." She did I he did!
Whatever Maggie took in hand she did thoroughly: her "mulliga-
tawny" was incomparable; the Brigadier said so (he used to go and
taste all the dishes the ladies made). Her devilledd bones" were
engrossing; the Brigadier said so. Her "curried lobster was a bonne
bouche almost too grand; the Brigadier said so. But her tarts I jam
tarts finished the Brigadier. He could not live without her and her
tarts, he announced after a hearty feed one afternoon.
"Marry him, my daughter," said the benevolent rector. "Poor
fellow, he will not live long, I fear. Take care of him; give him plenty
of tarts and curried lobster, and perhaps he likes buttered crab; suggest
them after you are married. Should he die suddenly, you will have the
satisfaction of knowing that you made his last days bright and happy on
this earth." Then Maggie, like a dutiful daughter, did as she was bid,
and soon obtained reward for her obedience and industry. She is now
a widow worth 100oo,ooo.
FEBRUARY 21, 1883.
A Blighted Being.
METHINKS my life has ever been
Beneath some bitter ban,
For seldom has our planet seen
As evil-starred a man.
The Fates, they say, are never slow
At paying off a score ;
And yet, although all this I know,
I know I know no more.
It seems to me a little hard
That one as meek as I
Should suffer like the present bard
Without his guessing why.
This wicked world-a vale of woe-
Has ills enough in store;
And yet, although all this I know,
I know I know no more.
In early days my very name
Disgraced my early school,
And when I wooed an early flame,
I proved an early fool.
My love I breathed in whisper low,
And constancy I swore;
And yet, although all this I know,
I know I know no more.
While yet a boy I owned a set
Of young and friendly friends
(I grieve to state that many met
With quite untimely ends).
Not three in twenty-five or so,
I cling to as of yore ;
And yet, although all this I know,
I know I know no more.
Since every hope, no more to bloom,
Was nipped within the bud
Of youthful fancies, in my gloom
I chew the bitter cud.
So dark my path begins to grow,
I wish my journey o'er;
And yet, although all this I know,
I know I know no more.
A DAILY PAPER asserts that electricity will become our new
"domestic servant." It certainly resembles a slaveyy" in
one respect-it has plenty of "followers,"
AGREEING-WITH A DIFFERENCE.
Waiter.-" BEG PARDON, GENTS, BUT-BUT-"
Junior Gent (sharply).-" WHAT'S THE MATTER, WAITER? CAN'T
YOU SEE WE'RE BUSY TALKING? SHUT UP, DOI"
Waiter.-YESSIR; CERTAINLY, SIR. THAT 'S JUST WHAT I'M WAITING
TO DO, SIR, IF YOU'LL ONLY PLEASE TO GO. IT'S STRIKING 'ALF-PAST
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT.
"NON, mon ami," I have say to ze Grand Old Man. France and
Angleterre must make exchange. I return to St. Estephen's; rested vous
ici a Cannes. Ze G.O.M.
say he Cannes't. I say zat he
must, and I vill keep open ze
S eye at Vestminstare. Enfin,
I have left ze orange grove
S and ze blue of zeItMediterra-
nean for ze fog and ze blues of
London. 7e suis ici.
Ze Qveen's Speech vas "a
voice and not nozzink more,"
plenty of speech, but no
Qveen. Ve have too much of
ze von, too leetle of ze ozzare.
Ve adjourn at 2.30, ve meet
again at 4. Zare is great
salutation. L'afaire Brad.
laugh again, quel bonheur. Ze
two Membares -for Norze-
hampton are here,-ze Labby Membare, and ze vat I call lobby Mem.
bare. En response to ze formare, Milor Hartington say ze General.
Attorney vill soon bring in a Bill relating to affirmation. Up jump Sir
Cross-vyen it came in he vill try chuck it out. Ze loudest Opposition
cheer for zelast tree years. Like ze man who insure, at last zeyhave got
a policy. Mr. Parnell, like ze Jack of ze yarn, sing "Healy, Healy,
Healy, ho l" I leave ze House like ze poulet, sitting.
A MILLI-TORY BAND.-The "Fourth" Party.
WE read that, during a performance by Mrs. Langtry at the Olympic
Theatre, St. Louis, the editor of a local paper contrived to circulate
among the audience cards whereon was the following :-" The Local
Dustpan Langtry Catechism. I. Is she beautiful? 2. Her style of
beauty? 3. Describe her appearance. 4. What do you think of her
acting ? 5. Your opinion of Freddie." Spaces were left for the mem-
bers of the audience to fill up; and the results were published next day
in the paper.
How and when we received, if we did receive, the following "cate-
chism "-if it actually exist-with a request-which we may have
dreamed-to fill it up, we are utterly unable to say. Anyhow, we have
filled it up, and here it is :-
The Certain-. Tye-of-Minor- Yanket-Editor Catechism.
1. Is he enterprising? Answer.-Obtrusively.
2. His style of enterprise? A.-A system of ignorance of good
taste and decency, mingled with brutal carelessness as to the feelings of
3. Describe his appearance. A.-Seldom appears. Too many boots
and horsewhips about.
4. What do you think of his acts ? A.-Low.
5. Your opinion of a Yankee audience? A.-Roughs.
WE think a word of warning is necessary to those about to market.
We read, under "Produce Markets":-"Sugar.-This market was
without change to-day." Ahl we daresay-very old trick this, eh?
Joking apart, though, it's a scandalous thing-scandalous I
ONE of the claimants to the throne of France is only a Cham.-bord,
certain others are real bores.
AW To CosszSPorZNTSn.-:-The Editor does not bind Aimseff to ackowodgir, return, or fiay for Contributioma Ixs no c'we weill the), he returned uniist
accomfianied 6y a stamjed and dfrgte~d -n'eokfi.
FKBRUARV 2[. 1883.
THE SPORTIVE SAVANT.
OuR friend fere had a notion that he d study ornithology,
So after useful specimens he wandered with his gun,
Popping here and there about the fields, without the least apology,
When soon a feathered biped caused the human one to run ;
For the monster with his coat-tails was inclined to have some fun.
Then in terror letting tall his gun, just after he had loaded it,
He like a shot sped rapidly, in aeony and shame;
When the monster touched the trigger of the weapon and exploded it,
The gun went off, and so did he, much quicker than he came,
And the terror caused the feathered fiend had language to exclaim.
7 ''Iy ': r
Anon, fondly yearning to learn entomology, On went the figure ('t was that of a kangaroo), Lo-true perseverance was ever victorious-
Many a moth did he seek for his cae ; Jumping and leaping with marvellous skill. Soon did our savant succeed in the chase.
When a figure, that seemed more allied to zoology, "Ah said our savant, he yet shall his anger rue, "Aha I" he said, panting, "this specimen glorious
Caught his attention, and made him give chase. I' l with my net soon enmesh him, T will Shall go, with a pin through him, into my case !
Two men have been fined for throwing mud into the Thames I What DOTS BY THE WAY.
a.train of reflections such a piece of news suggests. First we find ourselves
lost in a reverie about the absurd waste of human energy involved in FEBRUARY 15, PARLIAMENT OPENS.
adding one more mite to an already boundless, superabundant, over- THE Parliament gathered in right good time,
flowing wealth of supply; then we turn off down another muse about the The Members came trooping in one by one,
fussy supererogation of the authorities in taking notice of an offence The clock it struck two by St. Stephen's chime,
which, if committed fifty times every day in the year by every inhabitant When greetings and shaking of hands were done.
of the metropolis for fifty million years, and having for its object a Then Bradlaugh he went to Trafalgar Square,
perceptible increase in the dirtiness of the river, would fail ignominiously The delegates crowds in their thousands" to meet;
in its purpose. Why, "carrying coals to Newcastle" is a sensible act He mounted his tub, and addressing them there,
by the side of throwing mud in the Thames. Said he didn't intend to take his seat
Till Government showed how the thing could be done,
AN armed band in Bombay has been riotous of late-the insurrection For fighting and noise was the poorest of fun.
is called the Bheel rising." We trust it will not Bheelong ere the
outbreak is subdued. How's THAI FOR HIGH ?-Mr. Gladstone's tall collar and hat.
JOHN HEATH'S GOLDEN
speoialte" 1 L E1
COATED PENS. t u
ELEGANT! CLEAN! DURABLE!. s
INK AND RUST DEFYING. i |UO.I
In 1s. Boxes, of all Stationers. CoCohTic in the au
Any selection, please order of Stationers.tarch.
JOHN HEATH, 70 George Street, Birmingham. PURE!!! SOLUBLE !! REFRESHING 111
London: Printed by Dalriel Broth,.rs, at their Camden Press High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, February 2ist, r883.
FEBRUARY 28, 883. FTU N 85
RECTOR AND COR-RECTOR.
Rector.-"WELL, GOOD MORNING, MRS. MARKHAM ; I HOPE WE SHALL HAVE THE PLEASURE OF SEEING YOU AT CHURCH ON
Herbert (shielding himself behind Mamma).--"IF YOU PLEASE, MR. MINISTER, MA'S A DISSENTER."
Rector.-" INDEED? YOU SURPRISE ME, YOUNG GENTLEMAN; I WAS NOT AWARE OF IT."
Herbert.-" OH, YES, SHE IS. RONALD AND I WANTED HER TO ASK PA TO BUY US A PONY EACH, AND MA DISSENTED VERY
Rector.-"WELL, EVIDENTLY YOU DON'T FOLLOW IN YOUR MA'S FOOTSTEPS, MASTER HERBERT; FOR A YOUNG LAD, YOUR TONE
IS DECIDEDLY HIGH.' [Herbert inwardly vows he'll have revenge next Sunday by going to sleep during the sermon.
FOUR or five Railway Bills are in the House, in which, by special clauses, it is sought
to dispense with some of the most important provisions of the Lands Clauses Act, by
which owners of property are alone protected from the schemes of railway projectors.
MR. JOBSON was a retired grocer. He had been an honest tradesman.
He thrived, made money, bought an acre of ground, and built a villa on it.
"I've now got a refuge for my old age," he said. "I can do my
snooze after dinner when I likes, and can blow my baccaa in my shirt-
sleeves in the garding like a free-born Briton, and nobody can look at me."
So Mr. Jobson lived a happy rural life. But his happiness was not
to last for ever. A lively director, who had a good many friends who
were contractors, proposed that the Slocum-Podger and West-East
Railway should have an extension line running to Chawbaconley,
We must do this extension cheap," he said to his brother directors ;
"so let's bring in a few special clauses in the Bill that we shall only
have to compensate for what land or premises we directly take, and not
for the whole value of any property. The Bill will slip through the
House as easily as possible, and then we can take sights at the people
who will want us to pay for their houses because we take their back
gardens, and run railway arches within three feet of their windows."
Mr. Jobson, when he heard that the new line was coming, only said,
"Well, there's the Lands Clauses Hacts, and if they take anything,
they'll have to buy the whole show."
Then the surveyors came and stuck pegs and things within four feet
of his back windows. Then he had a letter from the solicitor to the
Slocum-Podger and East-West Railway Company. He was offered
;500 for the land taken.
But what about the house? said Mr. Jobson; "it won't be worth
anything if you bring the arches close up agin it. You 'll have to
buy that, or I'll bring a action."
The solicitor only smiled, and showed him the Slocum-Podger Rai!.
way Extension Act.
"We can take just as much of your property as we like," he said;
"we've got a special clause, and we shall only pay for what we
So Mr. Jobson's property was ruined. Strange to say, the Hicklebury
and Slocum-Podger Extension Act was soon after passed on the same
terms, and a line run in front of Mr. Jobson's house. They too only
paid for the land they used. Then two more lines were run which came
on each side of Mr. Jobson's house, so that he was a close prisoner be-
tween four embankments. Before the last line was constructed a Co.'s"
surveyor said to him,
"Look ye here, my friend, we're going to hem you in altogether.
What's more, you won't be allowed to go anywhere out of your own
house, because then you '11 have to cross the railway embankments, and
that will be a trespass which we won't think of allowing. Lay in a stock
of tinned vegetables and meats that will last you the rest of your life.
The money you've received for compensation you had better give to me,
for you '11 never be allowed to spend it, as you '11 be a close prisoner. If
invested carefully, there would be enough to give an annual lunch to our
And now the trains run all round old Jobson's house, and the pas-
sengers going by sometimes see a white-bearded old man standing at the
window devouring potted prawns. And when the trains slacken speed,
he sometimes throws open the window and shouts out that he's the Pope
of Rome, and that he s going to marry Mr. Bradlaugh's aunt; for he's
gone raving mad.
This is not meant to be a joke; and any of you, kind friends, who have
got suburban properties had better keep an eye on the Railway Bills this
session, or you'll know "what for."
VOL. XXXVII.-NO. 929,
F N6 FEBRUARY 28, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
( PACE running short last week prevented my
-. recording my valuable opinion of My Dar-
S,... ling, a piece produced at one of the multi-
tudinous morning performances the Gaiety
S\ has been indulging in lately. Under its ori-
t Tginal title, Light (it has been re-christened
for copyright reasons, and (possibly) because
its extreme heaviness rendered that title a
misnomer) it has been played for some time at
S .l the Sheffield Theatre, of which Mr. Romaine
Callender, the author, is the lessee. It seems
S '-, almost a pity it didn't Romaine there alto-
(I ( "' gether. A domestic drama of the humblest
and crudest school, characterized by thread-
bare conventionality of phrase, incident, and
character, affords little internal reason for its
TuE GAIETY-A PLE- presentation to a London audience: theremay
SANT SmAHT-A RoIR be (probably are) other reasons, which, how-
MAY IN FEBRUARY. ever, it is not my business to guess. It would
be unfair not to mention that the construction
is fairly good, and the situations dramatic; most of them have stood
the test of years.
From the circum-
stance that the hero
goes blind from grief
whereatt the mind
speculates on possi-
bilities), the piece
should have been
called, with pleasant i
reference to the tales '
of our youth, The
Story of Laurent who .
usurped his Brothlurs /
place, and of Sam.
Daughter Helen; con- j
gaining the Adven-
lures of the Fourth THE GAIETY.-MISS MYRA AND HER ADMYRAS.
Callender who was
Blind. This would look well on a poster in one ft ot letters.
Mr. Callender played his part with a great
: deal of earnestness, but with painful staginess
and unreality; the art of Miss Myra Holme
and Mr. Harry Monkhouse was apparent
through even such poor materials; and Miss
Rosie May, as a new-comer with some appa-
( rent pxide (and quite justifiable pride, mind
you) in a pretty figure, is worthy of welcome as
i inoffensive and promising.
It was a bold experiment of Miss Genevieve
Ward to present before a London audience
A that extraordinary monument of incapacity,
Daniel Terry's acting version of Guy Manner-
ing, shorn of its usual musical accompaniments.
The stilted bathos of that immortal specimen
THE OLYMPIC.-GILBERT of insincerity has perhaps been equalled by an
GLOSSIN, A LvoNs WIITH
WHOM Lucy RFUSES opera-book here and there, but has never been
ALLIANCE. excelled in any way, I should say : there is
such a thing as feeble childishness which is
laughable; this play, unfortunately, affords no such refuge, it is only
wearisome. The ex-
periment met with all
the success it de-
served, which was not
much. A fine piece
of acting in one part -
of such a play is not 0<_ '
excuse enough for its ''
resuscitation from the I
limbo of the minor
operatic stage, which
is its proper sphere.
Miss Ward's ren-
dering of Meg Merri-
lies was certainly very
powerful, weird, .and THE OLYMvic.-A GRIM MEG-SHIBITION OF TALENT.
sympathetic; and, except that she was never an old woman, and seldom
a Scotch one, played throughout with a subdued power that justly com-
pelled admiration. Her acting from the moment Meg received her
death-shot was cha-
racterized with an in-
2 tense force and ima-
S.' gination fully worthy
II '. "3 of the compliment
Iisilence which fell
wSi ijy).i^'upon the house; but
.V!y,1 :i Meg is too incidental
"1| | a character, and ap-
.I --pears too late in the
_\ 11 1 play, to galvanize into
vitality the rubbish
with which she is sur-
?> -rounded. Her per-
sonal success, how-
ever, suggests the idea
THE OLYMPIC.-BERTRAM AND ROBE-ARTS, OR THE that a new play on
COLONEL'S INTOXICATION. that a new play on
the same subject by
a capable hand might be a project worthy consideration.
Miss Ward's company is not of conspicuous strength ; but Mr. W. H.
Vernon, excellent actor as he is known to be, revealed unexpected re-
sources of drollery and character as Dandie Dinmont; Mr. Edmund
Lyons was unexaggeratedly good as Glossin; and Mr. Hatton was quite
at home as the truculent Dirck Hatteraik; Mr. Beck made no very dis-
tinct impression as Guy Mannering, but what impression can a man
make who, after hearing a flute beneath his sister's window, finding that
window open, -and "a strange
boat" beneath it, retires to bed
after a few questions, with the -- '
cheerful remark that he will leave -
the further prosecution of the -
search till opportunity shall lead
to discovery" I Miss Lucy Buck- '
stone was a very efficient Lucy Ber- .
tram, and Miss Achurch a smiling I '- .
Julia. Mr. A. T. Hilton remorse-
lessly misconceived the character .
of Dominie Sampson.
I must see Miss Lingard in some
more wholesome play than Alex- e
ander Dumas' Camille (which,
like other things of doubtful cha-
racter, seems fond of aliases) be- .,
fore I quite decide whether I think
we are to boast of the revelation THE OLYMPIC.-ACHURCH AND A
of another actress of high mark "STEPLE."
worthy by-and-bye to rank side by
side with a Modjeska, a Mrs. Vezin, or an Ellen Terry; but I have a
strong feeling that we are. That she is a practised actress and a win-
ning and graceful lady there can be no doubt. Up to the third act of
the piece one could not be sure that she was more, but the command of
truthful emotional expression which she displayed in the interview with
the elder Duval, and (more especially) in her parting with Armand, give
hope that the over-care and artificiality of her earlier and later scenes
were due to the arti-
ficiality and sickly
sentimentality of the "
part; her accomplish-
ments are, in any
case, sufficient to J
make us feel proud
that she is an English
actress (although she
has passed most of her
stage-life in America
and Australia), and,
in spite of mymatured
dislike of the play, I
Lingard to the end.
It is not necessary to
comment at length
upon the rest of the THE OLV mPIrc.-MORE BERTRAM AND ROBBERS-A
cast; but Mr. Barnes DANDIE TAKING A LITTLE REFRESHMENT.
was a very effective
Armand, Mrs. Leigh very droll as Madame Prudence, and Miss Con-
stance Gilchrist ("grown up" now, and no longer "Connie ") gave a
touch of real comedy to the part of Nichette. NESTOR.
FEBRUARY 28, 1883, 8 7
I THINK no clever club on earth
Excels the one that I belong to.
Much less in malice than in mirth
My club I send this little song to.
Not mine to criticize or judge
The ways and habits of the members.
'T is known I never bear a grudge,
Or stir a quarrel in its embers.
But I confess one fellow there,
No matter what his name or nation,
Appears to me to taint the air
Of our select association :
He gives himself so many airs
That few, if any, venture near him;
He rants, he swaggers, and he swears,
Until it seems a sin to hear him.
Conceit and ignorance intense
Could hardly paint his nature fully:
With folks who never mean offence
He plays the braggart and the bully.
If one associate in the lot
This pretty creature's clack opposes,
He fiercely threatens on the spot
Black eyes and sanguinary noses.
Alas I will nobody suggest
A fit and proper way of dealing
With one so loathed, and such a pest,
And so bereft of proper feeling ?
Our gratitude would be as great
As our acknowledgments were hearty.
One little fact remains to state-
I chance myself to be the party !
A Mis-" stake."
THE gentleman who had a "stake in the country has de-
cided that he much prefers, as a matter of taste, to have a
chop in town from the grill at his own club.
MOTTO for the owner of a well-known race-horse that is
about to run again.-".My 'Kingdom' for a horse I"
A PARADOX.-A perfect vacuum cannot exist, as if it did
it would be no(w)air.
First Sweep.-" No; AND VE AIN'T LIKELY TO GET IN UNDER 'ARF
AN HOUR. I KNOW THIS HOUSEE WELL. THE COOK'S A REG'LER HoY-
STER, SHE IS." Second Sweep.-" A HOYSTER, BILL?"
First Sweep.-"YES; PARTICULAR FOND OF HER 'BED,' AND NOT
OVER-PLEASED AT BRIN' TOOK OUT OF IT. SWE-E-E-P "
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT.
FRIDAYS, 16.-Ah yes, ve are back, cen'est las r've! Ve are at ze
same old games. Balfour and Sir Lawson are speaking by ze mile.
Zey explain zey vant to amend ze Address. I ask if zey amend a dress
always by taking
> it to ze pieces.
-/ -' Henri Richard say
to me it is not ze
S. pieces, but ze vars
he object to. Ze
: -' Government are hit
S 'I -all round. Ze
Tories sink zey
n I_ fight too late, ze
Radicals zat zay
should not have fight
at all, Mr. O'Don-
'--hi o dnell is as nice,
gentil, and gentle-
usuals. Aftare so
many hole have
S T been pick, ze Ad-
: dress it is not
amend at all. I put
on my hat : I have
not been so much
asleep since ze last
Session. I vill make track, je dormirai bien. In ze lobby I meet
Milor Granville. Have I hear how he have vipe down Salisbury? I
have not; to-morrow I vill, vit plaisir. He say he have tickel-no,
tackel-him on Ireland. I say, "Bon soir, milor ;" and on Egypt
Sacre'! Before he have say more I am in my hansom cab. Ooray!
fe dors !
Monday, 19.-I go and listen to the Lords; vraiment, zey do zeir
business vit more poli'esse and less rows zan ve. Milor Mount-Temple
vant to know vare ze statue of ze Duke of Vellington sall go. Ze sub-
ject, like ze statue, vas drop.
In ze Commons zey are still on ze Address. Happy Grand Old Man I
Ze General-Attorney have leave to bring in his tarnation-ah I no-
Affirmation Bill. Sir Norsecote tuck up ze esleeve.
Tuesday, 2o.-Ze Lords drop in at half-past four, zey chat about
Tunis, and zey drop out at half-past five. I sink I must ask for a
peerage, and, as your poet say, go home to tea alvays. It is all ve can
do in the "ozzare place to return to breakfast.
In ze Commons ze Address debate goes on, some of ze Members go
on at each ozzares. Mr. trorst make ver' cheeky speech, but Sir Har-
court sit on him. Greek meets Greek-Mr. Milner Gibson meets Sir
Harcourt. Milor Randy is up. Ze Grand Old Man is not zare to slap
him, so ze cheeky boy carry on. Ze House is count out at 12.30. I
vish it had counted time for a drink.
Vennisday, 22.-Sir Maxvell continue ze debate. He try draw out
Mr. Parnell, but ze cork-zat is, ze Cork Membare-vill not come out
of his bottel. Ndan noins, Mr. O'Brien, ze new Membare for Mallow, he
is up like ze cork of beer of gingare. Some von tell me his style is
Mallow-dramatique. Bientit, ve have more beer of gingare-Mr.
O'Donnell, but he no go fizz bang-he go flat. "Assezya, sitrop n'ya."
Aftare so much of leetle small beer, ve have some portaire-zat is, ze
General-Attorney for Ireland; eitfin ve adjourn.
Sursday, 23.-In ze Lords it is ask by Lord Brabourne vezzare ze
Boers are using dynamite centre les natifs. II semble que oui. Ze
Transvaal is civilizing itself.
In ze Commons Mr. Forster spik ver plain, Mr. Parnell ver ugly, Mr.
O'Kelly also; ze latter is chuck. Mr. Forster then said zat ze Land
League vas illeaguels.
_. 3: R
88 FTJN FEBRUARY 28, 1883.
A VALUABLE RIGHT.
A deputation from the Pawnbrokers' Association lately waited upon the Home
Secretary, to urge the adoption of certain modifications of the Stolen Property Bill.
The trade take special exception to the section in the Bill empowering a police con-
stable, instead of the owner, to obtain a warrant to search premises for a stolen article.
BY Jove! they've been and brought to light
A very valuable right;
I'll-hang it all! I 'll tell Iou what-
I '11 get a warrant on the spot!
Oh, bother I shall have to say
I've lost some trifle by the way;
Now, let me see, suppose I said-
Of course-I '11 say I 've lost my head.
I'll tell you why I claim my right
With such amazing appetite:
I 've queer suspicions, which I 'd die
To comfortably verify.
I half suspect-(and I 'm acute)-
That Tomkins "pops" his ev'ning suit,
That suit he seems so proud to don-
It looks so creasy when it's on I
Between ourselves, I 'd almost swear
That Mrs. Tomkins "pops" her hair;
Her little week-day wisp, I know,
Could never make that Sunday show.
Then Jones-that tale he will unfurl
About his cousin who's an earl;
I've never seen him, morn nor eve-
He pawns him; that's what I believe.
I've heard from Binks and Bunter both,
That Jinks assures them on his oath
That Crimper swears that Skimper's plate
Has been invisible of late !
And then those tales of Twigger's flights,
With clocks and things, between the lightr-
Old Groodle says there's not a doubt-
That's what'I want to ferret out.
And then, you know, one hears a crop
Of funny tales of Blenkinsop;
And hints are all about the place
Anent the Countess and her lace.
I '11 get a warrant and appear
At all the Uncles'" places near;
And as I search and rout about
I'm sure of finding something out;
,i1 1 1 M Mftv. I I .
I 'm sure to find, before I've done,
Some prime domestic skele-tun:
I want to see the ravelled ends,
The seamy side, of all my friends !
It will be fun to hurry with
The tale of Jones's seams to Smith,
And then, in confidential tones,
Describe the latter's darns to Jones!
No. VII.-BIRKETT DRAWLATCH.
How frequently the idea has been put forward, by kindly intentioned
persons of "superior information," that each citizen of this world ought
to try to further, advance, and watch over the general well-being of
society, in the same way that the young mother watches over her only
little one during an attack of measles, nettle-rash, or cutting the first
tooth. But the paths that philanthropists have to tread often prove
sufficiently rough and slippery to trip the benevolent beings up, and
occasionally they rise no more. .
Violet Maine was a paragon of sweet simplicity. She longed to im-
prove her fellow-man. Violet once clasped her hands, and refused to
ever speak again to Birkett Drawlatch until he had proved himself a
philanthropist by reclaiming some one. "Reclaim a thief," she said,
making a kind of mesmeric pass over his head, "and I will be thine."
Drawlatch being, in the language of the impenitent, "spoons," made a
sharp start for reclaiming. .
On a gloomy November afternoon Birkett splashed his feet in the
puddles of the Mint. He inquired of a yellow-faced cat's-meat man,
chopping sticks of firewood at the back of his shop, if he knew a thief.
"Yes!" replied the yellow-faced party; "'im wot sells meat lower
down;" adding, "If you wants a genuine cheap meal, my best beef's
on'y twopence a pound."
A barber, in answer to Drawlatch, remarked that he knew a many
"clyfakers," "rampers," in fact, all sorts; but trade was bad, and
no one hadn't brought him nuffen to sell lately, and they didn't, in
general, like their addresses given; but, if on the square, the old lady,
as was a coal, coke, and charcoal contractor, round the corner, might
put 'im on the right "lay."
"Madam," said Birkett, to an unwashed old dame seated in a dingy
coal-shed, to find a thief in the Mint is like trying to find a needle in
a bundle of hay."
Lie down in the bundle of hay, the needle 'ull soon find you. Lean
against that shutter, close yer eyes, you '11 soon ketch a thief."
Birkett took her advice; captured a small clyfaker, bore him home,
and reclaimed him vigorously.
While being reclaimed the boy fascinated Birkett by showing himr
the various tricks by which property is annexed, and Drawlatch soon
found that his own fingers itched to imitate the boy's tricks.
At last Kleptomania fairly attacked him. His first day's madness
made him the possessor of a silver violin, built in Central Africa about
the year 1500, a copy of Foxe's Book of Martyrs, a diamond pin, a pair
of black pearl earrings, five pounds of mixed biscuits, and two pounds
of cheese. Birkett carried on his eccentricity till the "reclaimed" boy
left him in disgust, and obtained a lucrative situation.
Meanwhile consternation reigned among the "Bodega" managers.
The consumption of gratis biscuits and cheese was enormous. At last
the cause was discovered. One bright May morn Birkett entered a
" Bodega," called for a glass of No. 6, then with the adroitness of a
conjuror placed the contents of the biscuit-tray in one pocket, half the
cheese in another. The tray being refilled, Birkett again tried his skill,
and the bass voice of the manager rang out, "Eat what you please, but
pocket none. James, fetch the police!"
Sequeld.-Discovery of a house-full of stolen property. Five years
penal servitude. Though her portrait shows it not, Violet sorrows.
She intends to marry the "reclaimed one" when he is old enough.
CAUGHT AT LAST, OR "JUSTICE FOR IRELAND."
LONG, long in pitiful distress
Poor Erin owned her helplessness,
For reigning Terror held her down,
And forced obeisance to its crown;
Whilst all unseen the bloody hand
Dealt death and outrage through the land.
In vain she strove to raise her head,
For Justice lay discomfited ;
In vain for mercy might she cry,
The sole response was cruelty;
And Terror's fiends, invisible,
Still scathless did the work of hell.
So Erin suffered, but at length
The cause of right recovered strength,
And Justice, springing to her feet,
Resumed once more her judgment-seat,
'Fore which, in cowering appeal,
Unmasked the fiends of Terror kneel.
Can they who ne'er did mercy show
Demand indulgence from their foe ?
Shall they who set at nought the law
Escape unpunished from its claw ?
Great was the hazard, fierce the fight;
Justice has triumphed-let her smite.
CAUGHT AT LAST, OR"
TICE FOR IRELAND."
LAYS FROM LEMPRIERE.
IPHIS AND ANAXARETE.
A STORY of the power of love now claims your kind attention;
A more pathetic tale your classic bard has seldom heard.
Besides, 't is so romantic. If you list with condescension
I '11 endeavour, in my humble way, to state how it occurred.
In Salamis there lived a youth-a poor but honest lad, forsooth I
And Iphis his cognomen was, his age was twenty-one,
And he wooed fair Anaxarete, who hated all vulgarity;
Of Iphis and his proffered love she made most cruel fun.
He had a heart to offer her ; she 'd evidently none.
To Salamis "society" she always had admission ;
He buskedd" about the city with a Punch and Judy" show,
Outside her dwelling ev'ry day he'd take up his position,
Though they often sent him coppers out, and ordered him to go.
" Take back your lucre," he would say," 't is bliss indeed near her to stay."
But still the dulcet tones of Punch on her had no effect ;-
And he'd cry, 0 Anaxarete, don't heed our great disparity."
But, ah his birth was humble, so what else could he expect ?
In love affairs 't is often thus-poor wooers' hopes get wrecked !
His passion so o'ermastered him, it changed his entertainment,
And Punch, instead of beating folks, was always making love,
Which change of programme was, it seems, to win her (though in vain)
And still she'd sit and mock him from her window up above;
And the youngsters, who were wont to laugh, began at Punch to rudely chaff,
Inquiring, What was up with him ? and Why he didn't fight ?"
And lo Miss Anaxarete still showed intense barbarity,
And said the yearning Iphis was a lunatic, a "fright;"
(Ah you smile, butyou 'd have suffered had you been in Iphis' plight.)
At length this classic Ruy Blas got very much excited,
And sent Miss A. a letter-(it was rather badly spelt;
But, oh what is orthography to bosoms that are blighted ?)
It really was enough, I 'm sure, a heart of stone to melt.
It said, "Oh, crooil damsle, lo! if you refews my luv, I '11 go
And leave the clarsic drammer; yus, I'll batter in my drum;
Yus, hartless Hanecksarety, wot ain't got not no charity,
I 'le turn up the 'legitimit' and try berlesk, by gum!"
(A classic adjuration, which is still in vogue with some.)
But Melpomene, who'd overheard this awful adjuration,
Resolved she would assist him, for the honour of her art;
On that "Punch and Judy" tragedy she'd staked her reputation,
And with such a skilful showman she could not afford to part.
So, paying Cupid two-and-six, he promised he would soon transfix
The heart of that proud damsel with an arrow from his bow;
Then artful Anaxarete repented her hilarity,
And married the proprietor of the Punch and Judy" show.
So 'tis now the thing for Fashion's pets" upon the stage to go.
FEBRUARY 8. 8t 3 F T'U N 93
DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NEW SERIES. No. 35.-A SONG OF SIGHS.
AIR-"Ho! Hi! Ho!"
THERE 'S Manchester, there's Liverpool (there 'll soon be other places)
Exclaim for local justices to try their local cases,
Which seems to us (if we may give a little word in season)
An attitude sufficiently within the bounds of reason.
The Conference (Danubian) has set some folks demurring;
They say it is unpractical and only keeps conferring;
But that is a proceeding it is childish to resent, for
What in all the world beside are conferences meant for ?
Ho! Hi! Ho!
The world is slow
To get within the latitude
Of satisfaction's attitude-
Hol Hi! Hol
The Epping Forest Railway Bill will meet with opposition
(Let 's hope it will be strong enough to send it to perdition);
Some foot-and-mouth disease has come from Erin, if you pleases,
(A place that's rather subject to all kinds of mouth diseases);
The Princess (handsome is and does!) will scarcely find them help her
In combatting columbacide at stony-hearted Belper,
Where picking out a pigeon's eyes is looked upon as sportive,
And punishment by magistrate is pretty well abortive.
Hol Hil Hol
We only know
That we 'd revive the rack again,
And stretch them till they crack again-
Ho! Hi! Ho
A "Ribbonite" who bangs a drum is not a street musician
(The law declares it), so he makes the most of his position,
Parading streets and banging drums, inhabitants defying
(He takes a street for preference where folks are ill or dying).
Since Carey, the Invincible," upon his pals has rounded,
Each loyal-hearted subject of the Queen (although astounded)
Is eaten up with selfishness (including MR. FUN, sir),
For every one in Britain's looking out for "No. I," sir!
Ho Hil Ho!
When caught, I know,
They 're sure to show him lenience,
And study his convenience-
From Bilsdale (that's in Yorkshire) some complaints arrive, I see, from
The Quaker whom Lord Faversham has harshly ta'en a key from;
The radius for London cabs they talk about extending-
Though "cabby" to the matter his assistance isn't lending;
The Connaught Prince is christened, as I hear from Mrs. Harris;
They're going to have an "underground" beneath the streets of Paris;
But worst of all, and awful thing that horrifies us mort'ly,
They say a lot of stcrms and things are coming on us shortly I
Hol Hil Hol
There they go I
I think that chills our b1cod enough,-
As if we hadn't floods enough!-
Ifol Hi! Hol
HARD ON THE PASSENGER.
-- -- .
ARE the railways intended for the convenience of our teeming popu-
lation, or are they not? We have always understood that they were;
but it seems that passengers are subjected, even on the best lines, to a
system of annoyance, consisting of attempts to induce the passenger to
pay for his journey; and, to add to the monstrosity of the thing, the
companies appear to fancy themselves justified in making such a demand.
Look at this :-
"The chairman of the North London Railway mentioned at the half.
yearly meeting that no fewer than 10,549 passengers had been caught in
attempting to defraud the company of their fares; while he personally
had received a number of abusive letters from persons who felt themselves
aggrieved at being expected to pay for their travelling accommodation."
Here are letters which we have received on the subject from persons
of high respectability, which speak for themselves :-
"To THE EDITOR OF 'FUN,' L.H.R.A.*
"DEAR SIR,-I think that a few words from me may serve as a use-
ful warning to innocent travellers by our railways. It was necessary
for me to proceed to London, and, finding a train about to depart for
that place, I entered a first-class carriage and proceeded on my journey.
I had been occasioned some little surprise on reaching the platform by
a man in uniform-(presumably an official of the line)-who stood at
a barrier and held out his hand as I passed ; but, believing this to be
some sort of joke, I took no notice. However, on the train stopping at
a station near the end of my journey, I was again surprised by another
man's opening the door and asking me for something-a 'ticket' it
sounded like. My reply was, of course, the very natural and sufficient
one that I had no ticket, was not in the habit of having any, and did
not understand him.
The decision of my demeanour on this occasion no doubt overawed
the man, for he turned slightly red, muttered something which sounded
like a confused apology, and retired ; and after this incident, no further
annoyance occurred on that journey, for there is little doubt that those
who attempt this form of extortion are sufficiently sharp to know when
they are dealing with a person who will 'stand no nonsense.' Had I
been a weak-minded lad, or a helpless widow or orphan, there is little
doubt that the ends of the unscrupulous would have been gained.
"I am, dear Sir, truly yours, A SUBURBAN ARCHBISHOP."
"ALL' AMMIRABILISSIMO EDITOR DELLA 'BAJA.'
("II Signor Alto-Rettificatore delle Ingiurie.)
"DEAR SIR,-I happened to be travelling on the Metropolitan Rail.
way once when a man in uniform had the effrontery to enter the car-
riage and ask for my ticket,' or something. I put the fellow down, and
he retreated hastily. I have written to Harcourt about it, and expect
he will bring in a Bill on the subject. I will always defend the rights
of the public.
"Alla perpetuazione dei moccoli, ed allo spegnimento dei moccoloni
della fazione quarta I Yours truly, W. E. G.
"P.S.-Long residence in the vicinity of a foreign clime must be my
excuse for partial loss of the practice of the English language."
"MY VERY DEAR FUN,-Anxious to test the truth of the frequent
complaints from my subjects as to attempts to make them pay for tra-
velling by rail, I disguised myself and journeyed over several railways.
I was disgusted to find that I was repeatedly requested to pay.
I am, yours very affectionately,
H*R M*JES*Y QU**N V*CTOR*A."
Lord High Rectifier of Abuses.
94 F'TJN FEBRUARY 28, 1883.
-- The "Innocent" Informer.
i I THROUGH ev'ry heart a thrill of horror passed
j As Carey, in his tale of blood and crime,
', Described that deed, when, fighting to the last,
Two helpless men were slaughtered in their prime:
S He told how those brave servants of the State
Were by his brothers" foully hacked to death;
With fiendish coolness did he this relate,
While all perused his tale with bated breath.
That "innocent informer" also told
S' l How he and his co-murderers hidden lay
(Paid for their hellish work by traitors' gold)
Si' |Until their chosen victims passed that way;
He told of one struck down by many a knife,
And of that nobleman who, staunch and brave,
Unarmed attacked them, valuing not his life,
And fell while struggling hard his friend to save.
S i Not an informer," though, is he who late
Bore in the councils of his town a share;
The accusation makes him feel irate,
SHe vaunts his innocence with injured air.
1 Yet, link by link, has he the plot revealed,
7g !In which he aided the assassin's hand:
He with the "brotherhood lay there concealed,
S. e sought more victims for his hellish band.
And lo that widow (whom Heav'n gave relief)
SUtters no wish for vengeance for her loss,
I-The prayer of Him who died upon the Cross:
Father, forgive them," doth she cry to God.
rNow Retribution has its work begun,
Waiting the time when with its mighty rod
SO -- 'Twill scourge the murderers hired by "Number One!"
Se A Place for Everything.
Now that the statue of the Duke of Wellington has been
removed from Hyde Park Corner, the First Commissioner of
Works is said to be exercised as to its new destination. There
O N T H E H I R E SY S T E M. cannot be two opinions as to the proper place-Leicester
Pary for od -BT THE USE OF A PIANO IS NO US quare-for there the Duke would be face to face with his
Barty Fojkinzrfor u odg.nes.-"BUT THE USE Or A PIANO' IS NO USE old enemies the French.
TO MF, I CAN'T PLAY."
Landlay.-" OH, SIR, BUT YOU'D 'AVE THE USE OF IT ALL THE
AM'F. Iv DAUGHTERS IS ALWAYS A-PRACTISING !" A CASE-US BELLI.-The military chest.
A SUITABLE CONTRIBUTION. He gave them the most any man should afford-
Tig Lord Mayor refused in a sharply pertinent speech, to become the medium for He sent them away with a flea in the ear.
English subscriptions to a fund for the relief of distress in Ireland to be administered
by a certain ction of Irish MP s.-Daily Paie s.
A PEACERABLE neighbour some Irishmtn had, Not Hankey-Panky
And as he annoyed them (as decency would), MR. HANKEY has just republished a pamphlet on "Dinners," which
They set about calling him all that was bad he originally issued ten years ago. These "dinners" will no doubt be
(Their skill in that way being strikingly good). devoured with great rest, for Mr. H. is one of those men-u can depend
They kept on for years vw:th this pleasant intrigue,
But Fortune will frown on the veriest boor; A Dying Strain.
They sent all their cash to the bank and the League, SWANS sing before they die," but, lady fair,
And so they were pre-ently starving and poor. Before you sung to me you dyed-your hair.
"Let's call on our neighbour," they said with accord,
"He's bound to assist us, the blagyard, it's clear." A BITTER DOSE FOR THE FRENCH CHAMBER.-" Sena(te) tea."
FEBRUARY 2S 1883 F7UJN. 95
ANO HER USEFUL ACT.
In August last a pub ican was fined forty shillings and costs for selling gin 40}1 er cent. under roof. But Mr. Justice Manisty has now quashed the conviction on
the ground that the 4o0 adulteration is no offence under the Adulteration Act.
_t ,7 "-
Ever so long the Temperance Lecturer had been holding up the Publican as a frightful example and an inciter to evil. But one day the Lecturer thought, I will
go and get tipsy myself on that Example's liquor, in order to bear personal testimony to the evil." So he went and had a six, and waited for the result.
"Example," said the Lecturer, falling upon the Publican s wronged bosom, "I have misunderstood you. Forgive me!
"With the assistance of this gentleman," said the Example.
are a true friend to the cause."
E' To; CORRHSPOT ErNTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to ack wwtdge, return, or Oay fo, Contributiew. In no case will they 6e returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed einvp ofe,
- I L
196 FUNTE~. FILBRUARY28, 1883 1
MORE THAN A MATCH.
Navvy.-"GOT E'ER A MAICH, MISTER?"
Gentleman.-"I'M SORRY TO SAY I HAVEN'T ONE. STAY A
MOMENT, TAKE .MY CIGAR."
Navvy.-" RIGHT YER ARE, GUV'NOR. THANK YER."
Macmillan's has its instalment of Mrs. Oliphant's excellent story,
"The Wizard's Son," and several other articles both able and amusing.
The Theatre.-The portraits this month are of Miss Marion Terry and
Mr. F. C. Burnand, the latter accompanied by i short biography written
by himself, which will be read with interest; the literary matter is of
the usual excellence.
The Century begins with a very attractive article on "American
Etchers," its other contents are of remarkable superiority; both it and
St. Nicholas are literally books of beauty.
The Squire is always good for an entertaining confab.
Longman's.-Mr. Payn's story, "Thicker than Water," deepens in
interest; the other contents are good.
Household Words deserves honourable mention.
The Leisure Hour, Sunday at Home, Boy's Own Paper, Girl's Own
Paper, and Friendly Greetings are all good for good purposes.
The Lifeboat is the quarterly record of the services rendered by the
Gentleman (glancing up from his paper, annoyed).-"EXCUSE
ME, MY FRIEND, YOU ARE SMOKING MY CIGAR."
Navvy.-"WELL? YER SAID 'TAKE IT,' DIDN'T YER?"
Gentleman.-" YES, BUT THAT WAS TO LIGHT YOUR PIPE,
NOT TO SAVE IT. IT'S LIKE YOUR CONFOUNDED CHEEK-A
'HENRY CLAY,' TOO."
Navvy.-" AHI WELL, CLAY'S MORE IN MY LINE THAN IN
YOURN." [Gentleman wishes he could roll him in some.
agency of this noble institution-services which have unfortunately been
too much needed during recent fatal storms.
Murray's London Time Tables are most complete guides to suburban
traffic, and the "Miniature Map of London clearly shows the ramifi-
cations of its internal and immediately outlying railways.
Cook's Excursismist is, as ever, invaluable to tourists.
The Latest from Jumbo.
WE rejoice to hear that the climate of America agrees remarkably
well with Jumbo, and that the delicate little creature has grown seven
inches in height. It is also said that buns, sweetmeats, and so on, con-
tinue to be sent to him by the children of England. We think the buns,
&c., would be better bestowed on certain poor children here. But
perhaps, after all, the report is only a matter of ele phant-cy.
HARDLY (K)NIGHTLY TO HIS CRITICS.-The Nocturn(e)al Whistler.
"The CLEAN Black Lead."
J AMES' GOLD MEDAL
Successive awards rt ll ros
for Excellence of
Quality and U I I CAUTION. If
Cleanliness in use. Cocoa thickens in the
ro^mndd byanew process Si Prize Medalsawaded. Assort .
BEWARE of Worthless Imitations sampleBo,.6d.;po-r .re.apstotheWr.Birmingma' PURE!!! 80LUBLE!!! REFRESHING Ill
MARCH 7, 1883.
Old Songs Reset.
AIR-" Mynheer Van Dunck."
ALDERMAN BLANK, though he certainly drank,
Took nothing intoxi-ca-ting;
Beer, spirits, and wine he would always consign
To the mouth of a sewer grating,
Crying, Shame I that a Christian's throat
A drain for 'bitter' or eau de vie!"
To mingle water with liquor strong,
He considered was good drink spoiling;
The water was right, but the spirits wrong,
And even a taste
To mix was waste,
The water's purity soiling !
For a Christian's throat should ever be
Kept clean from "bitter" and eau de vie
What is Photo-Filigrane ?
BRAVO, Brown! benedictions on Barnes!
and a beamish blessing on Bell! for Photo-
Filigrane' visiting cards," murmured Hen-
rietta de Bastren, as she gazed with a strange
emotion in the monstrous egotism of her passion
at Bluchington Montgrove's amber moustache
and nose. Bluchington had a pure and inno-
cent mind; but a grave suspicion of distrust
flitted over his somewhat austere and eccle-
siastical face, as he replied, "Are you a walk-
ing advertisement for Photo-Filigrane?" "No!
on the contrary, I 'm a 'standing,' though not
a standing-still one," returned Henrietta, as
with inexpressible grandeur she struck her lover
to the earth. Bluchington and Henrietta have
not met since this slightly unpleasant episode,
but the mishap does not in any way alter the
fact that Mr. Walter Woodbury's invention,
"Photo-Filigrane," is a firm notion. Any
readers sceptical on this point had better apply
to Messrs. Brown, Barnes, and Bell, who hold
the patent for the said invention, and are there-
fore better able to explain its technicalities
than we can.
THOSE who are anxious to preserve their
health by a judicious discrimination in articles
of diet may rely implicitly on any information
on the subject they may pick up in the run of
political papers. A few days ago we read, with
the faith of childhood, a most reassuring article
on the groundlessness of the alarms as to the
dangers of trichinosis from American pork; and
it was not until we had drunk in nearly every
comforting word of the bit of letterpress and
artlessly resolved to be guided by it entirely,
and end our abstinence from the food men-
tioned, that we suddenly discovered in the last
three lines that the professedly dietetic article
had a political tail. This was the tail:-"Free
trade England admits the pork, and Protectionist
France and Germany forbid its importation."
The subjects treated of-trichinosis and party
politics-have so much connection, that such
articles cannot fail to be of paramount utility.
If Jones, Brown, or Robinson should happen
to be taken horribly ill from the effects of
trichinoe, he will recollect that it is in the in-
terests of the free trade party, and won't mind
HER MAJESTY has sent for the portrait of
Miss Jenny Ace, who so bravely rescued two
sailors at Swansea during a great storm the
other day. That Ace-who was indeed a trump,
and ought to have belonged to Card-iff-must
be highly delighted at this patronage from the
Queen of Hearts.
PUT IN A LOGICAL WAY.
Hard-up Party.-" SOR, WOULD YEZ BE AFTER GIVING A TROIFLE TO A RETIRED
OFFICER WHO'S SEEN BETTER DAYS?"
Brown.-" CONFOUND YOU, NO YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE LAZY IRISH BEGGARS. I
HATE 'EM." Hard-up Party.-" IRISH, SOR? DIVIL A BIT."
Brown.-"You WERE BORN IN IRELAND, I'LL BET."
Hard-up Party.-" LOOK AT IT, NOW. How CAN THAT MAKE ME IRISH? No,
SOR I IF I'D BEEN BORN IN A STABLE, DO YOU SUPPOSE I'D HAVE BEEN BORN A
HORSE?" [Gets a shilling.
"AT a meeting of the Cockermouth, Keswick, and Penrith Railway Company the bill for the
proposed Buttermere Railway was considered. The chairman (Colonel Spedding) said they had
nothing to do with private views as to the invasion of the Lake District: what they had to con-
sider was whether the new line would bring grist to their mill." And a nice hearty, outspoken,
honest manifesto of Vandalism too I There can be no possible objection to the directors of the
railway "having nothing to do with private views;" nay, it would be all the better if they would
go just a step further and have nothing to do with public views-such as the Cumberland land-
scapes, for example. The operations of companies for the substitution of smoke for scenery are
seldom in harmony with the views of the public.
VOL. XXXVII.-NO. 930.
FUN. MARCH 7, 1883.
SLASHES AND PUFFS.
ISS LINGARD, encouraged by the ex-
ceptional success of her first appear-
ance, announces a second performance
of Camille at the Gaiety on the after-
JV noon of Tuesday the 13th instant.
The performance is a genuinely artistic
one, and has already established Miss
Lingard as a leading actress, so that
she is pretty sure of a goodly following.
S Miss Genevieve Ward, who, in the
i fashion of the theatrical day, is lapsing
into morning performances, gave a
second representation of Meg Merri-
lies on the 24th ult., preceded by a
short one-act play of Mr. Charles
Reade's, called Nance Oldfield. This
piece is a dramatization of one of the
author's short stories, and is a sort of
I upside-down version of Mr. Albery's
Dr. Davey, and Mr. Robertson's
David Garrick, all three being the
outcome, in common with many com-
THE GAIETY.-FROM THE panions, English, French, and Ger-
ANTIPODES. man, of a French original. Mr.
Reade's own piece has seen the foot-
lights before, I believe, and is a vigorously neat and crisply-told story,
rich in wit in its widest sense. Miss Ward is not altogether physically
suited to the principal character, in my idea ; but her finished art gives
her complete command over its varied phases, and the result is a very
generous and enjoyable picture. Mr. W. H. Vernon's study of the
narrow-minded but good-hearted Warwickshire attorney was very ac-
ceptable in its quiet force and appreciative humour; Mr. Philip Beck
gave a very fair rendering of the younger Oldworthy; and Miss Achurch
may be credited with
a touch of nature for
the self- conscious '
giggle with which she i I
embellishes her tale I
of a supposed ad-
Mr. Toole has re-. i Ia
vived Uncle Dick's '
Darlingwith marked i
success. It is a capi- I
tal piece, and shows ', 1 ,
Mr. Byron at his best.
It is, besides, fraught
with some pleasant '
memories to play- -- -
goers who can date THE OLYvaPic.-A NEW TRIUMPH IN AN OLDFIELD.
from fourteen years
back, and so recall a cast including Messrs. Irving, Clayton, and Tees-
dale, and Misses Neilson, Maria Elsworthy, and Marie Litton, in addi-
tion to Mr. Toole himself. This cast looks more formidable nowadays
than it did at the time, of course, but it was pretty strong even then; so
it is not surprising, perhaps, that the company at Toole's, though a very
fair one, does not compare altogether favourably with it. In his por-
traiture of the large-hearted, liberal-minded Dick, with his straightfor-
-- ness, native
\., I' v- humour, and
'. ,gentle self-
"' abnegatio n
-' -- (in which
I thing of the
I0 Toole seems
?e et, as s, Iuri c on congenial
._ smiles (not to
-\_and tears are
DRURYv LANE.-END OF PANTOMIME SEASON.-SINDBAD (loq.) C command
"WELL TA! TAI IF YOU MUSt GO; I SHALL STAY A BIT throughout.
rence West, as Mary Belton, showed sufficient aptitude for the stage to
justify her quitting the amateur ranks and adopting the profession, and
her performance, though somewhat colourless, was painstaking and not
unpleasing; Mr. Billington was a not very striking Mr. Chevenix, ex-
cept in respect of a somewhat portentous coat in the first and last acts;
Miss Eliza Johnstone
brought out Mrs. ,, i'l,"!,!| I i
with care; Mr. E. D. "' I '
Ward's Joe Lennard 1 *
was also careful; and r'- .
Mr. H. Elmore made
a very good swell. I.
Mr. Gufn's Elope- I, 1.
meant, with the singu- i
larly mirth-moving '
Eye," sung by Mr. .
Toole, is the con-
cluding item of the
programme, which is -
opened by a new TOOLE'S.-SOPHY SOPHYCATING ON THE SOPHY.
piece entitled Name-
sakes, from the pen of Mr. Horace Lennard, in which a good deal of
very hearty fun is made out of some pretty familiar materials. The
weakness of the female element-which is something the fault of Mr.
Toole's company generally-falls rather heavily here; but in spite of
drawbacks, the piece goes briskly, laughter culminating in something
like a continuous roar as the climax of misunderstanding approaches.
The principal weight falls on the shoulders of Mr. E. W. Garden, who
is distinctly able to cope with the situation, and who has the able assist
ance of Messrs. H. Westland and W. Brunton for the task.
Ever first in the practical application of science, it is said that the
Savoy management intend shortly to establish A Private Wire at their
theatre in the inte-
rests of their patrons.
It is, however, not so
scientific a matter as
it might be, beingonly I
an operetta to take
the place of Motk
On Monday next ll
Mr. Burnand's Blue I
Beard, "a three-act .
burlesque drama," '
will be produced at [ /
the Gaiety, regardless -
of expense, and ready
for any trimming that ,
may be its destiny. TOOLE'S.-GREAT-COAT AND SHIRT-SLEEVES-DIFFE.
RENT IDEAS OF TEMPERATURE.
Mr. H. Elmore will
produce Mr. Walter Frith's Ensnared at the Gaiety, at an afternoon
performance, on the 8th instant; while, by a coincidence rendered sig-
nificant by the titles, Mr. C. Calmour makes for the same afternoon the
Bluebeard-like announcement that he will show his Wives at the Vaude-
ville I NESTOR.
Roadside Philosophy; or, How Easy it is to Make
I.-THE DEAD CAT.
I WAS once a cared-for kitten, now I'm a cast-away cat; one time I
used to eat the softest of sop and drink newest of cream-curdled milk's
neither lap not chew. Now I 'm an outcast-I who used to pick the
drumstick, used to sit with the family, now prowl unobserved, and
starve, uncared-for. I was a well-to-do cat once, sleek and well fed.
I had everything my heart could desire; but there-you don't know the
thickness of the plate-glass window till it's broken. So I never knew what
it was to want till in after life-a dull cat learns his way to the larder in
one lesson. So it came with me. Now, where shall I rest ? I shall have
a granite kerb for a bed and a wheel-tire for a coverlet; and there's no
gag like no food; better rind than no cheese at all. They used to pet me,
feed me-the mouth's the biggest beggar-and I used to purr and meow-
if you want to please a fool play him the tom-tom; but now who cares for
me? Who '11 take me in? Little children who used to pet, now shun
me-an ass shits at a carrot-because I 'm a vagrant-a good coat's the
best introducer-and so here I wander. Why didn't I lay by for a rainy
day ? In fine weather cover your umbrella. And here I am, without a
friend in the world-empty purse, empty visiting list. Ah, such is life!
MARCH 7, 1883.