• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Index
 Fun
 July 5, 1882
 July 12, 1882
 July 19, 1882
 July 26, 1882
 August 2, 1882
 August 9, 1882
 August 16, 1882
 August 23, 1882
 August 30, 1882
 September 6, 1882
 September 13, 1882
 September 27, 1882
 October 4, 1882
 October 11, 1882
 October 18, 1882
 October 25, 1882
 November 1, 1882
 November 8, 1882
 November 15, 1882
 November 22, 1882
 November 29, 1882
 December 6, 1882
 December 13, 1882
 December 20, 1882
 December 27, 1882
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00041
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00041
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page 1
        Title Page 2
    Preface
        Preface
    Index
        Index
    Fun
        Page 1
    July 5, 1882
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    July 12, 1882
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    July 19, 1882
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    July 26, 1882
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 36, 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
        Page 41
        Page 42
    August 2, 1882
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
        Page 51
        Page 52
    August 9, 1882
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58, 59
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    August 16, 1882
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    August 23, 1882
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
    August 30, 1882
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90, 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
    September 6, 1882
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
    September 13, 1882
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
    September 27, 1882
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132, 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
    October 4, 1882
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144, 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
    October 11, 1882
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 160
    October 18, 1882
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
    October 25, 1882
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
    November 1, 1882
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
    November 8, 1882
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 202
    November 15, 1882
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 212
    November 22, 1882
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
        Page 221
        Page 222
    November 29, 1882
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228, 229
        Page 230
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
    December 6, 1882
        Page 236
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
    December 13, 1882
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
    December 20, 1882
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260, 261
        Page 262
        Page 263
        Page 264
        Page 265
        Page 266
    December 27, 1882
        Page 267
        Page 268
        Page 269
        Page 270
        Page 271
        Page 272
        Page 273
        Page 274
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text









































'41

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LONDON:


PUBLISHED


(FOR THE PROPRIETORS)


B3 Y W. L A Y,


153 FLEET STREET, E.C.

















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. .I -
IPR FAC K

I, I IT was the end of 1882. The 'It 7
i i world was star-gazing. The month
'I before it had been mayor's nesting
at the Mansion House; and it
was always more or less wool-
4 gathering in the south or west of
SAfrica. On the present occasion /
it was staring at the Grand Fairy
Transformation Scene, the
S"Transit of Venus." Id
S' Goodness alone knows how long i
,j open, had not FUN-the dear old
FUN, who so puzzles all persons
with the problem whether love or
respect should preponderate in tl
4- 1 u^ their bosoms-grasped the situa- !r IWd/
He saw that it was time for him
to act. Quick my cap and
bells-no, my wig with the three
1'; .- ^ tufts and a little one on a wire-
chalk my shoes-good. Are we
ready? -
-- The scene-shifters stood by the
S wings; the stage-carpenters were
in the flies; the property-man
winked his eye over the top of a wall of incongruities which surrounded him. The
S signal sounded, and the scene changed as if by magic; the Tran formation Scene was
I instantaneously concealed from view by the flat representing the Home of FoN-
flat in nothing save the name; and, amid thunders of applause and yells of delight,
the Great Joker-the High Jester-the Supreme Clown, FuN, bounded on to the
stage.
"Here we are again! How was you the next New Year? Hullo-I haven't lost
a farden, but gained pounds-in weight-moral weight. Does your mother know
Swe 're out of print?"
The words restored the World to Earth-made it itself again-brought it round-
even rounder than it has been described in the geography hooks. It was the change
from the Incomprehensible to the Practical and ihe Practicale-from unattainable
ambition to secured enjoyment; and the World rub-,ed its eyes and felt ashamed of
itself for star-gazing so long; peering so long through the stubborn, grudgingly
dispersing mists to catch a fleeting glimpse of the intangible; gaping at the glamour
of red fire.
Y, Then the true, sterling Comic Business set in-everything was "practicable" now,
including babies, policemen, vegetables, and everything else that makes life worth
the living, and worthy of the living. FUN had a slap at eveiyboay, and nobody
could succeed in giving him one in return ; but the great trick wai to come; for,
with a twiddle and a slap of his wand, Harlequin-a combination of Father Time,
the Muses, and the Philosophers' Stone-changed everything into

THE THIRTY-SIXTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES
OF
FU NX






























LITERARY.
AmEHICAN Romance (An), 7
An Absurd Dream, 200oo
As it S' would Be, 117
Autumnal Leaves, 253
BELLIGERENT, 45
Better Times than Ever, t35
Bird's-eye View ot a Bad Situation (A), 3
Blissful Ignorance, 269
Breakfast Sausages, I42
Breakfast Sausages Again, 199
CAPs. 73
C.-rols of Cloudland (The) 55, 137, 14r
Cattle Show C omplair t (A), 243
Charge of Three Hundred (The), 129
Christmas Crackers, 269
Consumer's Schooling (The), 40
Conversations fi r the Times, 18, 34, 75, 94;
99, i13, 123, 210, 231
Convinced Bard (['he), 219
Coronati- n of the Czar, xo09
Curt Comments, 20, 17, 29, 64, 84, 96, 117
DECIDEIt (A), 241
Dittiesof the Day, 7, 17, 27, 39, 49, 61, 71r,
Si, 93, 103, 113, 123, 135, 147, 157, 267,
179, 189, 199, 209, 219, 2312, 241, 251, 264,
273
Dots by the Way, 185, 254, 266
ELBOWED Out of It, 93
Erased Marriage Lines, 235
Explanations, 21i
FaCIT Indignatio Versum," 173
Fact-Fancies, 148, 153, 169, 225, 256
Fa well (A), r8i
Festive Friends, 274
First in the Field (The), 87
Foreigner (A), 242
Fun's Condensed Library, 50, 53, 114
GAROTTi2.s' Alphabet (The), 9
Genuine Article (The), 243
Government for Egypt (A), 147
Gust (A), 18o
HAPPV Alhu (A), 51
Harrowing Revelation (A), 115
Heroes and He o Worship, 175
Highly Effectual, 8
Honouring the Heroes, 279
Istits, Tale (An), 8
Improved Kind of Revenge (An), 130
Improviing Stage Again (The), 242
In Memorial: Arthur Sketchley, 221
Intelligent Foreigner (The), at Brighton,
85; Goes into Plarliament, 168 ; And the
Grand Old Man, 174; In Parliament,
I85, i95, 205, 22o, 26, 242
Intervening Turk (The), 67

JE.Ni BRooKs' First Madness, 23
LARGE Responsibility (A), 124
Lays of Lempriure, 80 o
Lethal London, 264
MASTER DE LESSEis and the Ravening
Carnivora, 2o
More Advice to the Farmer, 2532
More Counsel for the Police, aoo
NEVER no more, 99
New Covent Garden, 215
4New Dramatic Departure (A), 226
Naw Hall (The), 20ot
Nice Look-out for tl e Rolling-Stock (A),
223
Not in the Show, 211
Not Likely, 213
OLD Songs Reset, 119, 159, 163, 0s1, 244
On a 'Bus, 94


One Point or Accord, 73
Other side (The), 189
SOur Boys; 190
Our Extra-Special at Wimbledon, ix
Benefit, 28; And the Enterprising Dra
per, 43; Hires a Moor,67; At the Dubli,
Exhibition, 8i; Midnight Adventure, 97
At the Front, 207; And the Burgla
Scare, 124; At the Railway Applianci
Exhibition, 158; Dream, 167; Drops in
to Song, 28t; At the Food Exhibition
283; And Sir Garnet Wolseley, 193; A
the Review, 215 ; At the Opening of the
New Palace of Justice, 237 ; Speaks b3
the (Christmas) Card, 267
Outlaw (The), 114
PAtNi'L Suspicions, 273
Parliamentary Mems, 3, 13, 27, 38, 49, 60,
65, 77
People (The), 50o
Persistent and Perennial Par (The), 173
Pretty Pass (A), 83
Profitable Reverse (A), 265
Pro Patria; or, the Royal Engineer, 19
Prophecy (A), 245
Providing an Enemy, 158
RAINv Rhyme (A), 29
Recessional Reflections, 1io
Refuge for Forlorn Verse (The), 203
SAFE Travelling, 220
Sarah's Discoveries, 263
Slashes and Puffs, 2, 22, 22, 32, 44, 54, 66,
76, 86, 98, io8, 118, 129, 140, 252, 162,
172, 184, 194, 204, 214, 224, 236, 246, 258,
268
Solution by Arms, 22
Some Occasion for Protest, 104
Songs of the West, 163, 171, 190, 2oo, 210
So Unconstrained, 23
Spoons and Forks, 51
Star (A), 225
Startler for the P.P. (A), 251
Sudden Void (The), 159

TALE of Idaho (A), 56
Teetotal Alcohol, 247
Tel-el-Kebir, T25
These Before All, 39
Through the Flames, 191
To an Old Friend, 262
To Marian from General Mite, 34
Too Particular, 31
To the First London Particulars, 213
Turf Cuttings, 20, 42, 55, 83, 88, 104, 116,
125, 137, 139, 152, 168, 173, 191, 202, 2xx,
232, 237, 245
Two Lines, 115
UNREASONABLE Gratitude ofJ. Bull (The),
88
Using 'em Up, 19
i VAGUE, 195
i Victim of Misconception (The), 127
[ Va Victoribus, 1,48
WAR (The), 72
Warble for the Worried, 161
Warrior's Reward (The), 1o5
Way to Earn Recognition (The), 209
What a Good Patient People we are, 71
What an Incompetent General, 98
Wimbledon, 21i



ENGRAVINGS.
Acour Taxidermy, 206, 2r6, 233, 238, 248
Accessions of Innocence, 149
Almack's Redivivus, so
America's Master
Another Case l /ea Leicester, 25
Another Lively Cabman, 234


At Home and Abroad, 42
At the Guards', 138
BADS, (The), 109
Bird-esome Ballad (A), 169
Bread-Seeking and Meet-Hunting, 215
Broad Hint (A), 96
r Buy Gum, 43
CARPE Diem 203
Cattle Show Memoranda, 244
Caught, 8
Chalk to the Child (A), x19
Checkmate, 29
Cheese It! 28
Cnoice Morsel (A), 173
Christmas Comments, 255
Cockney and Scot, 87
Comparisons are Odious, 232
Considerate, 265
Contented Spirit (A), 191
Country People like Politeness, 23
Cowes Regatta, 56
Cruel Woman, 141
Cultivation of Memory (The), 99
DELL-IGHTFULL, 117
FAIR Proposal (A), 175
Fiendish Revenge, ii
Force of Habit, 164
Fourteen Days, 18
From the Moors, 65
GHosT Making, 257
Good Deal in a Name (A), 213
Goodwood, 33
Guide Book Written Again (The), 120
HAD Him There! 31
Heart-Breaking, 75
Heard near Hampstead, 10o
Heavy Swell (A), 55
Henley Regatta, 2o
His Arcadian Simplicity, I59
His'n and Earn, 195
Hungry Guest (The), 205
IMPERFECT Dictionary (An), 754
Improver (The), 1oo
In the Hunt, 170
In Vino Veritas, 256
Inviting, 9
Irritating, 53
Is it Possible? 15o
"JEST Orf!" 136
KING CETEWAYO, 77
Law and Justice, 254
Lesson in Subtraction (A), 243
Literature and the Drama, 269
Lodgings, 46, 63, 68, 95, 86, 196
Logical Conclusion (A), 148
Logical Deduction (A), 192
Lord Mayor's Show (The), 202
MAKING a Butt of Him, 212
NOT a Hundred Miles from the "Guid
Duke's Place, 62
Not a Hundred Miles from Dartmoor, 153
OF course the Good Gentlemen does
Good 3
Oh! if Wives only Knew, 247
Oh! those Butchers, 34
OhI those Boys, 15I
On the Honeymoon, 222
Out Shooting to Regain Health, 10o6
PALETTE-A BLE, 107
Panegyric, 181
Party Question (A), 266
Paternal Rebuke (A), 2o1
Pet of the Health Resort (The), xno
Piscatorial Pluck, 182


Playful Fare (A), 74
Pricis, 139
Prevention of Crime Bill (The), 24
Price of War (The), 49
Pride, 263
Putting it in a Polite, not to say Tcider,
Manner, 84
Putting it to Him Delicately, 2 x
RANK-EROUS, 193
Recruiting Health at the Seaside, 16t
Resignation, 40
Rustic, 116
SATISFYING, 137
Seaside Energy, 85
Seeing's Believmg, 163
Sketches at Suffolk Street, 253
Slight Breeze (A), 07
Society Note, 245
Sort of Thing Waiters have to Put up vN ith
(The), 51
Strange Influence (A), 41
Sua Cuique Voluptas," 185
TEARS from tile Heart, 30
"Tell" est la Vie, 267
That's One Consolation, 126
Theory and Practice, 235
Thinking it Out, 237
This is not Flirtation, 127
Thrown of France (The), 17r
Thus Far and no Farther, 78
Time will Tell, 183
Too Terrible to Contemplate, 52
Two Flats, 233

VERY Curious Medical Fact (A), 94

WAR (The), 45
Ward-ed Off, 13
Warrior's German Sausage Supper, 16o
Way it is Done now (The), 105
Way we Get our News now (The), i15
What's in a (N)aim? 222
Where the "Chou" Pinches, 225
Wicket Words, 64
Wimbledon, 21
Wooing, 73
Wouldn't Cookey Clip his Ear if she Heard
Him? 67
Wrong End (The), 24



CARTOONS.
AFTER Arabi ; or, the Egyptian Game of
Touch, 90
Arabi Avenged ; or, the Penalty of Suc-
cess, I97
A rabi's War Dance, 69
Backing Out of It, 58
Cheek, iII
ClOture (The), 187
Critics before the Picture of the ClOture,
207
Decorating the Lions, 217
Egyptian Baby (The), 155
Egyptian Bag (The), 232
Fishing for Arabi, iox
Gladstone's Prize Sheep, 239
In Self-Defence, 25
Lord Chancellor's Song (The), 249
On the Way to Westnminster, 165
Opening of the Royal Palace of Justice
(The), 228
Political Wimbledon (The), 15
Remodelling Egypt, 144
Restoration of King Cetewayo (The), 79
Song of the Conference (The), 5
Statue of the Vocal Memnon, 177
Taming the Crocodile, 36
Transformation Scene (T'he), 271
Two Christmases (The), 260
Very Busy, 47
Victory of Tel-el-Kebir 121











........


_mjjiii~ m ___>t~f~ 1^J
z^r^ /. f^ --_'___-7^~ ~


OW then, boys, hurry up Down with the shutters Throw the
portals wide and admit everybody I "Just a-goin' to begin,"
once more. Walk up Walk up I Walk up Only one penny The
Great Enlightener of the Age will address his worshipping admirers,
otherwise the entire population of the Universe. The Great FUN, for
the thirty-sixth time (since the commencement of the New Series), bursts
forth in the
full blaze of
,IL I \oAssUqEa ) his 'personal-
ll ,Yu .ts j, -si ity (and no-
I body objects
r' to his per-
-sonality in
the least),
',,,,.= eve aei sta ped w, and~~with thanks p
for past fa-

S Pi heaps of pro- N
mises for the
r l- wfuture-there
th ey ar e,
FASHION, LAW, AND PELISSE. piled up on
the counter,
every yard of that counter is stamped with the word FUN, and that pile
will never come off. Promises are made to be broken, and Mr. FUN's
promises are made to be broken even more than any one else's-broken
gently to a world which the shock of their mighty grandeur, if suddenly
revealed, would pulverize with wonder; though not one of them would
ever bring a blush of shame to the cheek of Modesty. For the thirty-
sixth time, therefore (since the commencement of the New Series), Mr.
FUN, though he
Never makes
mistakes or
commits an in-
i discretion, has
turned over a
S"'.new leaf. For
'E R l''' l' the thirty-sixth
-" time (since the
.Z I." ,' \ commencement
:- of the New Se-
ries) he has
drawn one of
I Ihis pages to-
j wards him -
the Great Illu-
minator's work-
ing staff consists
almost entirely
of pages, and it
is a large staff.
Mr. FUN never
lets money
stand in his way
SPORT AND THE DRAMMER PORTRAIT OF TROPHONIUS). (healwayspicks
it up and pock-
ets it), and for more than twenty years he has drawn into his service
over five hundred pages each year, always retaining the old ones, every
one of them being picked up by him perfectly naked, and clothed, out
of charity, in his honourable livery of black and white. For the


thirty-sixth time (since the commencement of the New Series-don't
make any mistake upon that point) he has turned over in his mind how,
homceopathically speaking-on the inoculation system-on the principle
that (herehe has referred to hisLatinQuotations)similia similibus curanlur
-he shall drive
out humours V.CT 0 R IA S TAT 0 N
with humour-
and he has de-
tei ormined to w MC E i
make promises. CAB TO zS COFE oR rfl I
Here are some L Lt|
of them :-
He will be as
funny as ever-
he will even try
to be funnier,
but has no hope
of succeeding,
as, even for him, uo
the impossible
is difficult of at-
tainment.
He will give
little or no at- .
tention to
Fashion, Law, "
or Police, such
subjects offering .
so little scope FOREIGNER FARES
for humour.
He will rarely touch upon Politics, their innate humour rendering it
a work of supererogation.
He will quietly ignore Sport and the Drama, in deference to the
retiring disposition of those adjuncts of private life.
He will pay no attention whatever to Foreign Affairs, as they are
nothing to do with us.
He will ut- -o
terly ignore .PIAn Ar,
Home mat- -
ters, as we
have quite
enough of
them as it is.
He will .
take no no-
tice of the
weather, hav-
ing laid in a
new stock of
umbrellas
and goloshes
for the sum- TRADE AND FINE AUNTS.
mer; also a
thick overcoat.
He will not take much to the road or the river, though he will be now
and then found "on the rail."
He will rely upon Trade and Finance as the basis of all his humour.
They present a rich and promising mine hitherto wholly unworked; and
everybody knows there is many a pun in the FUNs,
He wonders how he will do it, and hopes you'll like it.


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. 895.









TFUN.


, JULY 5, 1882'


acting at its best. What a pair she and Evelyn make! What a married
life of "holding forth and patient listening! Mrs. John Wood's Lady
Franklin is a very comely and amusing lady of American extraction,


OBODY can fail
S L S H S AN_. to enjoy the
Very complete
,. i. ,.7; and thoroughly
S..' artistic revivals
SI '.' to which Mr.
Thorne is at
S-p,- \ resent treating
SVaudeville au-
diences. Every-
thifg, from the
acting to the
mounting, is
done with such
.. quiet, unobtru-
sive care that
we almost for-
get to notice it
until it is all
over, and we
\ feel the delight-
ful and virtuous
satisfaction
SIASIIlS AND PLFFS. which comes of
the reflection
that we have passed a well-spent and pleasant evening.
Money, in spite of being a bit old-fashioned, is full of flesh and blood
and diversified character. Evelyn is a dreadful bore, mostly, with his
speechifying mania ; but he couldn't be less of a nuisance than he
is in Mr. Henry Neville's experienced hands, whose performance has
many excel-
lencies. But
Mr. Farren A .A
often looked
when Evelyn
was giving
forth one of .
his short i
pamphlets
on "AMan,"
SHonesty, J" l l
&c., as if he .
thought he
had lost him-
self in an- .. p
other play- THE VAUDEVILLE.-CLARA AND DECLARA.
The School
for Scandal-and ought to exclaim, "What noble sentiments! "

The Graves of Mr. Thorne (which is probably not the Graves of our
fathers ") is a very good example of the value of repression in comic
acting : there is an irresistible drollery about its quietude and sincerity
which curls round the heart, and warms it, and tickles the diaphragm
into delightful enjoyment. If Mr.
-H .. Thorne were surrounded by the "out-
and-outest duffers," the piece would
if be well worth sitting out for the
-,' pleasure to be obtained from this one
9. performance.
t ~But Mr. Thorne is not surrounded
by duffers; on the contrary, the cast
is exceptionally good. Mr. Warren in-
vests the rather transparent-actioned
OP Bhis best finish ; Mr. Archer repeats a
very clever study of Dudley Smooth;
Mr. Righton, unctuously funny, and
S with many a subtle touch, makes a
DIou a picture of Stout; Mr. Grahame is
very clever and taking as the fop Sir
Frederick; and Mr. Crauford as
-Cool from London Assurance dis-
guised as Lord Glossmore, Mr. Ma-
clean as Sharp, and Mr. Lestocq as
/the "Old Member," are all good in
their various ways.
THE VAUDEVILL.--A GENTLEMAN --
or VasEy BRIZaDING. Miss Ada Cavendish gave to that
strangely reticent young lady, Clara
Douglas, all the grace of her appearance and force of her sympathetic


THE VA-DEVIL.LE.-"THn INDULGENCE OF THE AUDIENCE IS REQUESTED
BETWEEN ACTS 3 AND 4.' SKETCH OF THE AUDIENCE INDULGING.

and Miss Alma Murray succeeds in investing a character somewhat out
of her usual line with a pleasant interest it would probably present in
real li'e, where its motives could he a good deal hidden.













THE VAUDEVILLE.-LEADING HIM A DANCH.

I wish Mr. Thorne would revive The Love Chase.

The Merry War, by Mr. Robert Reece, is to be the next Alhambra
novelty; it will, I suppose, as Sir Frederick Blount might say, "hold
the mewwy waw up to nature!"

Messrs. Grundy and Solomon's Vicar of Bray is to be played for the
first time at the Globe on Saturday next. I expect many people will fall
vicartims to its humour.

They do say that a piece called Karl, by Mr. Herbert Mooney, is to
be produced soon at the Standard, but I 'm Mooney repeating rumour,
and you can't take Karl you hear for granted. NESTOR.

Key-ind !
THE Bermondsey Vestry is an exceedingly generous body. It was
said some time ago, that on the opening of their new Town Hall, the
guardians gave a dinner to 150 people, and also invited some 650 to
a ball. Now it has oozed out that they also presented to the church-
warden a gold key set in diamonds. And the parishioners have been
indulging in lock-quacity as to the cost of this present. Certainly it is
time they were on the key-vive.

Mark-it !
IN the Meat Market the other day there was a falling off in the de-
mand for beef. This news ought to please vegetarians, who consider
all persons must beef-oolish who ask for it. To them, in fact, the place
is anything but a meet market. At the Cattle Market, too, there was
little demand for pigs. Perhaps they are not considered stye-lish just
now.

Foreign Intervention.
THE magistrate at West Ham evidently regards a coloured seaman as
" a man and a brudder." For stealing a pocket-comb from one of these
foreign sailors, a Victoria Dock rough has been sentenced to two months'
hard labour. Bravo It is very right to guard these blacks from these
blackguards.

THE MOST POPULAR MILITARY "CLUB" N THE PROFESSION.-
A Field-Marshal's "baton."








JULY 5, ,882. FUN. 3


PARLIAMENTARY MEMS.
IT is really deplorable to see the intelligent and capable
members of the Upper House languishing for want of some
genuine employment. Poor fellows I all the occupation they
have at present consists in tinkering up little Bills of no general
interest, and in carrying on desultory conversations about the
news of the day. We wonder whether a deputation of Peers
in the guise of frozen-out gardeners, calling upon the Speaker
and singing to him in melancholy chorus "We've got no work
to do-oo-oo I" would have any beneficial effect ? But perhaps
the best plan would be to send them away for their Midsummer
holidays at once, and to make them return at grousing-time,
when the Commons might possibly have some of their work
ready for survey.
Interrogatories about the doings at Cairo and Alexandria ar d
Constantinople continue to flow in at such a frightful pace that
Ministers must heartily wish the Egyptian Question were at
the bottom of the Suez Canal, instead of the Suez Canal being
at the bottom of the Egyptian Question.
Mr. Fawcett declares that he is unable as yet to see his way
to reducing the price of telegrams, although he readily agret s
with us all that
It would be a good job
If by some altered manner
That which now costs a bob
Could be sent for a tanner.
Her Majesty's Government, after consultation with Sir Henry
Bulwer (chief physician in ordinary to the ex-King of Zulu-
land), have come to the conclusion that there is no longer any
reason for postponing the visit of Cetewayo to England. That
personage has accordingly ordered a larce-check tourist suit,
bright green necktie, and a tall white hat, and may be ex-
pected in this country about the end of this month. Special
interviewers and photographers, take note I
Not, we presume, with any intention of facilitating public
business, the members of the Land League party continue to
manifest a persistent dislike to the Prevention of Crime Bill,
as well as to many other persons and things that fall within
their comprehensive ken. Nothing appears to be beneath
their notice, excepting the misconduct of any of their partisans.
Meanwhile, the Parliamentary coach seems to have stuck in
the mud, and scarcely any progress is really made-though a
lot of progress is reported. Some people, consequently, are
of opinion that the Cabinet should decide on holding an
Autumn Session, while some say not. We say, Ought-em ?

Keeping Cool.
As the summer is coming, it will be well to know how to
keep cool. The best person to give you practical instruction
in the art is a dominiee." Beg him to tell you how he keeps
school.


OF COURSE THE GOOD GENTLEMAN DOES GOOD.
Enthusiastic T/totaler. -"DEAR MISS MADE, I AM SO DELIGHTED
TO FIND YOU HAVE SUCH AN ADMIRATION FOR OUR CAUSE."
,Esthetic Young Lady.-"No, I'VE AN ADMIRATION FOR SIR WILFRID,
THAT'S ALL. WHEN YOU SEE IN PRINT SUCH RPIITHEI'S APPLIED TO
HIM AS PEREGRINATINGG PUMP-HANDLE,' 'PERMISSIVE PLATITUDINIST,'
'PERIPATETIC AGITATOR,' DRIVELLERR OF DREARY DROSSINRSS,' IT
MAKES ONE REALLY FEEL THAT HE HAS DONE SOMETHING TO ADVANCE
THE POETRY OF LITERATURE IN THIS COUNTRY."


A Bird's-eye View of a Bad situation.
ONLY fancy I to think that a solemn and grave M.P.
Should have, in these busy times, a care for the likes of me-
Me, a poor fowl of the air, whose feathered kith and kin
Have been snared, on Hurlingham's sward a doleful fate to win !
Mr. Anderson wishes to bring into Parliament
A Bill the purpose of which is, so I've heard, to prevent
That cruelly murderous sport, the shooting of pigeons from traps;
And there's sense and right on his side, and he '11 get what he wants-
perhaps.
True, animals aren't immortal, 'tis the common lot to die,
All come to some sort of grave, and the pigeon's grave is the pie;
To be shot from a trap is one mode of death, but I 'm bound to say,
For myself, that I'd rather die in a more legitimate way.
It's bad enough at the best, of course, to be shot at all ;
We pigeons know that we probably must like soldiers fall;
But give us a moderate chance to keep out of the enemy's sight,
Set wit against wit, and then if we're shot-why, serve us right.
Sport is it sport for a man to lounge about at his ease
With a row of small cages in front on the grass, and inside these
A row of quivering birds, which are let out one by one
As he leisurely gives the word and aims with his double gun ?
Sport I in an afternoon for a man to gain a prize
By killing as many pigeons as would stuff out twenty pies?
Not that he wants to eat them ; he has eaten, be sure, his fill;
But he loves to pocket the money, and he loves to show his skill.


To call such lackadaisical slaughter "sport" is absurd-
At least, it appears so to me, a slightly prejudiced bird ;
Still, a noble pastime it seems to some lese philosophical men,
And the pink of fashion applauds it, so what can we hope for then ?
My Lady So-and-so, gay Mrs. This, and pretty Miss That,
They come to look on at the shooting, and ogle, and flirt, and chat;
And each one will bet on her favourite-Algy or Gus or Fred,
And frown when a pigeon escapes him, and smile if it drops down dead.
You might have supposed such scenes a feminine heart would shock ;
But many will rush to see a criminal in the dock
Being tried for his life, and will wait to hear the sentence of death,
And can such as they feel a qualm when a pigeon gives up its breath ?
Most women are tender and modest and sweet, wherever they roam,
But your fine ladies, bless you they never blush-unless it's at home-
Where their pleasure's concerned ; amusement they wish to have and
will,
And I 'd not be surprised, after all, if these fine ladies threw out the
Bill.

A Chop-" par."
AT the Liverpool Union a day or two ago it was discovered that chop-
totally unfit for human food were given to the paupers for dinner. Perhaps
the authorities consider paupers are not human, and that anything is
meet for them. They say Union is strength," but in this case
the Union, or its food, was a little too strong to be pleasant. And
yet when told that this diet was not "first chop," some of the officials
were quite chop-lalin.








4 FUN. JULY 5, 1882.

AMERICA'S MASTER.


Cousin Jonathan was quite easy in his mind; he had planted his standard, and nailed the Monroe Doctrine to the mast. Tnis was how it happened that he failed
to notice a little figure dive off a distant island and quietly swim to his continent.


Blut perhaps he will wake up when the little flig his supplanted his own, and America is simply anllrish colony !





SFTJN.-JULY 5, 1882.


4 ..
.Igm ,,te^
H&-S


_111


j~K~


THE SONG OF THE CONFERENCE.
Turkey.-"I'M GOING TO DO WITHOUT 'EM." Indignant Choruts.-" HE'S GOING TO DO WITHOUT US! !"


A


W-Q
































THE SONG OF THE CONFERENCE.

(See Cartoon.)

CONSTANTINO-
Ple tidings show
A Conference is sitting,
Not on a plan
Which that Constan-
Tinople's lord thinks fitting;
The Euro-pe-
An Powers he
Prefers to chaff and flout 'em,
And so deri-
Sively doth cry
I'm going to do without 'em."

That flouted Eu-
Ropean crew,
Not feeling certain whether
Their famous con-
Cert's blown upon,
Thus make reply together :
"Dares this old-rip
In these Egyp-
Tian affairs to doubt us ?
At any rate,
We know our fate,-
He's going to do without us."








JULY 5, i882 FUN.


DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NEW SERIES. No. i.-AN ABSURD-DITTV.
AIR-" Wi/l you be my Hollyhock ?"
HE Conference of
drunkards* in
The Yankees'
favoured land,
',j 1 Some under-
grads.' unruly
din,
SThe meet of four.
in-hand,
The tenth retire
of Mr. Bright,
JThelastEgyptian
freak,
The sculptors'
S.' lengthy libel
..l fight
Si Havealloccurred

Willyouhave the
Telegraph? will
Syou have the
Standard ?
Will you have the Daily AVews ? or will you have the Twmes ?
Will you have the Tory's boast-otherwise the AMorning Post?
Will you read the politics, the fashions, and the crimes ?
Can it be drunkards ? Echo answers.

AN AMERICAN ROMANCE.
KNOWS'T thou the burning lay of Dante's own,
"Nix mangiare o diavolo!
MaIpoaggior la donna" ? that's to say,
"'T is hard to be hard up, but harder still
To get ahead of women." Never much,
While in Night's cushion stars like pin-heads shine,
Oh, listen to me, for the tale I tell,
Is of Chicago, and the latest out,
And by the noble Tribune novelist.
Say, do you mean it, honest Injun, now?"
Said Vivian O'Riley to his sire.
"And faith I do," the earnest sire replied :
"Marry this girl if so ye choose, me son,
But-if ye do-the divil a ha'penny
Of all me fortune will yees ever see,
While in Night's cushion stars like pin-hids shine."
Two hours have passed, and so have eight or ten
Slow-rolling tramway cars, until there comes
The one which Vivian wants, and soon it lands
The lover at the door of Pericles
O'Rourke, the father of bdlissima,
The Lady Ethelberta. Lo, she sits
In her boudoir (the high-toned word for "room"),
Casting her soul in reverie o'er the trees,
While in Night's cushion stars like pin,-heads shine.
"I have bad news for you, my utmost own,"
Said Vivian in sad tones unto his love.
Cusses and crocuses upon my luck I
And damns and daffodils on everything I "
And as he spoke there came nto his face
A grey old scaly look which seemed to say,
Don't bluff or you'll be called. My dad and I
Have had a round about, and he has dis-
Sis-sis-inherited me; and I have
Been given the g. -b. on your account,
My be-b-beau-tiful. And I am now
A beg-egg-eggar for you, Bertie dear !
While in Night's cushion stars like pin-heads shine."
Her soft dusk eyes grew wide and serious.
Yes," he continued, "I am regular poor,
Poor as a busted Indian, and of course
It follows in the logic of our life
That I must give you up. I cannot ask
One in the golden glory of events
To come and share a fate which runs upon


A thousand annual dollars. Ne'er a case.
While in Night's cushion stars like pin-heads shine."
She looked at him with an incarnadine,
Rich, passionate, scarlet-sanguina crimson flush
Surging into her cheeks. If it had been
A full, 't is probable that Vivian
Would have gone under; but a flush
Could never scare him or his similar,
While in Night s cushion stars like pin-heads shine.
"Oh, Vivian I" she gurgled, like a dove,
"Oh, do you think I will let up on you?
And do you deem I would go back upon
The note I signed, and run to protest ?-no-
Not while the snowy paper of my truth
Is quired by the young-eyed cherubim,
And in Night's cushion stars like pin-heads shine."
Three months or ninety days went by, and then
Upon a golden Californian
December afternoon, with azure skies
Like those of summer as they are produced
In less expensive countries, men beheld
A diamondaine wedding at the house
Of Ethelberta's sire. As Vivian
And his fair bride sat in the car-ri-age
Which bore them to the station, ever on
She gazed upon him like a Lamia
With a strange look, which one might call, in fact,
A weirdly precious smile. He gazed at her.
"And so you would not leave me, love ? he cooed,
"Even when you thought me poor ?" And she replied,
"Never, my precious one. I learned lang syne
That when a sucker once drops off the hook
It never bites again. And well you know
That you were on the point of dropping off,
And so your pa and I put up the job
So as to land you, dear-as faith we did-
A little quicker. Oh, men, men, men, men I
If ye thus round, girls will get square with you,
While in Night's cushion stars like pin-heads shine."



.. . . .V

^' 7 ^>V^ ".*^<


-7
Cr1


I JP,:
THE GREAT BELT CASE.
DESIGN FOR COLOSSAL GROUP TO BE ERECTED IN THE NEW
LAWES COU RT.
Dane entirely without the assistance of Messrs. Ver Hleyden, Brock,
Birch, and Co.









8 FUN. JULY 5, 1882.


AN IMP-ISH TALE.
AN impecunious impoverished impostor
T impetuously implored an imperial beauty's
hand.
S, "Impossible !"she answered, imperturbably.
"______ "Let me impress upon you I am impregnable."
An.d___ _-- He, impassioned, impatiently asked the
_. impediment.
"Impertinent l" she cried. It is imprac.

n Impulsively he muttered an imprecation,
heedless of the imprudence of the impression
.... lhe might create.
And1---. Impudent impostor I" she exclaimed, "you
c yo shall not importune me with impunity. Your
improper impertinence and impious impolite-
ness warrant your impeachment, the impanel-
ling of an imposing jury, and the imposition
of imprisonment."
Is the important impediment impassable ?"
he implored. "Heed not the imparity:
imperceptibly impalpably you might learn to
be less implacable to my imperfections. I
toshould improve, though you think it impro-
bable. Judge me impartially; my improvi-
I- dence was the result of imprudence; but who
c ais impeccable ? I am imperatively impelled to
importune you again."
Imperturbably impersuasible to his impolitic
imploring, she implied the imputation that it
was impossible he should improve his impros-
perous impecuniosity ; whereupon, impulsively
seizing an implement, the impenitent impostor
---" t-eb. imperforated his flesh and implanted the dagger
in his imprudent heart, hopelessly impeding
CAU G H T its already imperfect action.
GAY is yon Waltonian brother, When he finds the Avenger waiting "How improper !" said the impenetrable
And his visage shows delight Close by that forbidden nook, impassive imperious beauty; and she married
e'scaught one perch; he 'll quit his other All his glee will be a-"bait'-ing, an impressionable coffee importer.
When he feels that comining "bite." And he'll quickly "take his hook."
Then to the warnings placards mention Thus many folks let pleasure bind them,
He will wish he'd paid at-tench-ion. Little dreaming what's behind them. JUMBO'S POLITICS.-Elephanti-republican.


Highly Effectual. many years-not so very many years-not more years than one can put
down in figures-with patience, and time to spare; and when all the
AN outrage had just been committed in the Sister Isle. The author. arrangements had been made, and re-examined carefully to see that
rities, roused to a pitch, determined that this sort of thing should at there could not be any possible hitches now, unfortunately outrage had
length cease. An escort was sent at once to protect the threatened land- died out because all the victims were dead ; and, moreover, the world
lord. All was safe now, and further outragers would have to look to had ceased to exist too.
themselves.

And a fresh outrage occurred; and the escort-hem I-a-well, the The Anarchy in Ireland.
escort, you see, had not been supplied with a rifle. But the authorities THE late Mr. Bence Jones advocated wholesale emigration as a cure
made haste to remedy the defect; the rifle was at once forwarded to the for the Irish business. Well, there is no doubt the merry Celt is as
escort, and all was now ready to give outrage a warm reception, lively as ever in Ould Erin. He estimated that 500,000ooo pretty little
Hibernians could be shipped out to America for Z6 per head. Now
we should imagine that to be a heavy price, when we consider the small
And a fresh outrage occurred ; and the escort-oh well-the escort amount of working brains the heads might contain-for, of course, the
had a rifle all right, but no cartridges. But this slight omission was bodies would be sent over attached to the heads. Probably the genuine
soon rectified, and now it might indeed be said that outrage would have Americans may object, very naturally, to have thousands of useless fero-
to look to its own safety. cious ruffians thrust upon them by the English Government. What they
wish for is at supply of intelligent working emigrants. The Irish element
And a fresh outrage occurred; and the escort-well, you know, he is not so popular in America as is supposed by many people. We do
had his rifle and lots of cartridges, but, unfortunately, he had also strict not think the Government will take up Mr. Bence Jones's scheme.
orders never to load until he had allowed the enemy time to shoot him
through and through. So the authorities made haste to send off per- A Definition.
mission to the escort to load as soon as ever he had been shot through WHAT is vicissitude
once; and so now, indeed, it looked rather fishy for outrage, if it should HAT is "Vicissitude"?-
dare to show its ugly head. This to elicit you'd
Se -a Doubtless expect in a trice;
But I frankly confess it 's
And a fresh outrage occurred; and the escort-a-well--he tried to Beyond me, unless it's
fire; but, by some regulation of red tapery, the cartridges hadn't any The French for "study of vice."
powder in them, as it was a strict rule that the escort should not begin
to fill his cartridges until he was sure that he was wounded. However,
the authorities promptly rectified this little matter; and then, indeed, The Black and White.
outrage might well shake in its shoes. THE Chess Tournament at Vienna must have been a "move -ing
Ad a sight. It occupied many days-thirty-four, we believe, in all-to say
nothing of "knights ;" and besides the "pieces," even the players were
And a fresh outrage occurred ; and the escort-oh I-a-yes-the fact noted chess-men. Those who witnessed the mimic war saw that a
is the powder hadn't any saltpetre in it, so that it wouldn't go off. And Warsaw player, Herr Winauer, was too skilful to let us win our game.
now the authorities determined to go fully into the whole matter, and Doubtless the money prizes have been paid by "check." But why was
reorganize from the very beginning. And they did so; it didn't take Vienna chosen? Why not Chess-ter?








FUTN.


JULY 5, 1S82.

The Garroter's Alphabet.
A was 'ard lines on a prig who took "tin,"
B was the bobby who soon ran him in;
C was the cell, with a plank for a bed,
D was the very "big D that he said ;
E was the 'elp that he wished he could get,
F were the fakements" looked forward to yet;
G were the groans for some porter or stout,
H was the hale he would guzzle when out!
I was the 'inge of the door of his cell,
J the "stone jug" that ne'er went to the well;
K was the konk he had beaten till blue,
L was the "lagging" he now has to do ;
M was the magsman who led him astray,
N was the noggin he stood him one day;
0 was the horriblee mess he had made,'
P was that Polly, the treacherous jade !
Q was the 'queer street" in which he was fast,
R was the rollicking days that were past;
S was the skillyy they gave him to eat,
T the "soft tommy "-a rich prison treat I
U was the "uncle" who had all his "breeks,"
V was His Vorship," who gave him six weeks ;
W warrant on which he was nabbed,
X the expression he shouted when grabbed !
Y was the yell when he felt the first lash,
Z was the Zero expressing his cash.

Pars-on, please!
IT is said that three clergymen recently gave in their names
as competitors in a one-hour's pedestrian contest with Weston,
at the Church of England temperance/fie. It is to be hoped
that when they knew their fate these pedestrians from the pul-
pit did not pul-pit-iful faces. One cannot rev-aisle them for
pew-.illanimity, although perhaps their action was scarcely
re-church-y. (Please excuse the accent; it was a "clerical'
error.)

Todum-cum-Sapone.
INDIVIDUALS who steal marches are not dishonest ; quite
the contrary, they are the pioneers of the world. Messrs.
James Lewis and Son have stolen a march upon rheumatism
by inventing an iodine soap which is of marked value in
curing chronic cases. It is bracing to the system, and if you
feel a twinge of the deadly enemy coming on, purchase a few
cakes and try 'em.

A TENT-ATIVE EXPERIMENT.-Wimbledon.


OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON CRUELTY TO ANIMALS.
FEELING strongly as I do, Sir, on the subject of cruelty to animals of
all sorts, I made a point of being at the annual meeting of the Royal
Society for preventing it, held last Thursday, and I must say that I am
surprised that the speech I then made has not been more fully noticed,
dealing as it did with the cause of the weak and the helpless.
It was somewhat late in the meeting when I caught the noble chair-
man's eye (it was a one-handed catch, low down, worthy of A. P.
Lucas himself); and rising to the occasion, delivered myself of the fol-
lowing extempore remarks, amidst frequent applause: My Lord
Aberdare," I said, "ladies and gentlemen, I am here this afternoon to
call on this Society to still greater exertions. Mr. Colam does much,
but, as you will soon hear, there is much more for him to do. Only last
week two ladies-yes my lord, two /adies-positively roasted a wretched
bore (alive) on their own hearthrug And though I instantly reported
the case, nothing has been done in the matter." (Shame !)
Again. I was assured only yesterday by a friend of my own, that a
betting man of his acquaintance had not only skinned a lamb at Ascot,
but had publicly acknowledged the deed without a blush ; whilst I am
ashamed to add that a professor living within two doors of me delibe-
rately broke a butterfly on a wheel, and then went and boasted of it at
a public meeting.
"I hardly know how to go on, or how to tell you calmly of the heart-
less artist who first painted a wretched polar bear, and then hung it to
a hat-peg in his studio, his only excuse being that he could not get any
one else to hang the poor beast; or of that she-fiend in human shape
who, whilst out walking. severely cut' a young monkey of her acquaint-
ance, because, forsooth he had been up to his tricks.
Perhaps the most purposeless act of cruelty, however, was that of a
youth of some eighteen summers, who on three successive occasions


9


INVITING.
SCENE-Not a 1Hundred Miles from the Law Courts.
Free-born British Workman.-" WELL, IF YOU AIN'T GOT A BIT O BACCAA
TO GIVE AWAY TO A WORKING MAN, YOU DON'T NEED TO LOOK SO
'AUGHTY. YOU DUNNO WHAT YOU 'VE MISSED. I KNOWS AS YOU STICKS
0' SALERY DON'T GIT MUCH, AN' I WAS A-GOIN' TO ARST YOU TO DINE
WITH ME AND THE MISSUS. AH HER HOMLETTS SOUFFLEES IS THINGS
TER THINK HOVER!"


beat a really funny dog very badly at an examination held at Burlington
House. (Groans.) Alter such a catalogue of cruelty as this you will
perhaps think nothing of clothes-horses held for hours in front of a fierce
fire; of dogs on which red-hot pokers are habitually placed ; and of
larks kept up unnaturally all night. And I will not harrow up your
feelings further; I will say nothing of the crane I saw at Poplar, with
a fire lighted underneath it ; and I will spare you a recital of the horrible
details attending the plucking of an 'ass at Magdalen College, Ox-
ford ; in short, I will say no more. It is now lor you to act, and,
amateurs though you may be, I hope that with Mr. Colam's assistance
you will soon render impossible such scandals as I have described."
(L'mud applause, amidst which your Extra-Special made his exit, thus
unconsciously escaping the collection.)

Dogged.
THE Duke of Albany remarked at the Newspaper Press Fund banquet
that "the gemlemen of the Press were the watch-dogs of civilization."
To some extent this is true, for many of them are often very dog-matic,
and seem to think that all they profess to ken'll be acceptable to the
public, and some, alas besides being proud of their tales, write dog-
gerel. Moreover at the banquet we should not have known what they had
a-mast-iff we had not read the subscription list. Henceforth, we suppose,
the "tuneful nine" will be known as the ca-nine Muses, and any one
seeking information from the Press will be said to be "going to the dogs."

A Re-Dux-io ad a-Bird-um!
SEEING how Dukes can run through their money, the phonetic com-
bination, Dux and Drakes," used with reference to the squandering
of fortunes, would not be unsuggestive, though the Dux, in several
cases, may be deemed still more intimately associated with Geese !"


tar To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unlej
accompanied by a rtamnfed and directed enveloPe.







IO FUN JULY 5, 1882.


HEARD NEAR HAMPSTEAD.
Artist.-" HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SKETCHED BEFORE?" 2Rustic.-" YEES, SIR."
Artist.-" THEN JUST TAKE OFF THAT SMOCK, AND STAND FOR HALF AN HOUR, WILL YOU?"
Rustic.-" PLEASE, MASTER, CAARN'T YOU TAKE ME AS I HAM? I DON'T CARE FUR TO SHOW MY NECK I AIN'T A PERFESSNAL
BEAUTY!"


CURT COMMENTS.
THE great Sculpture Libel Case, on account of its gigantic dimensions,
has had to be adjourned till next November. It is a remarkable trial
for several reasons; among them being the facts that there was a good
deal of hard hitting, but not below the Belt, and the circumstance that
in the course of the case there were an extraordinary number of Oh,
Lawes! heard.
The aldermanic dispute has ended in the declaration of the validity of
the election of Mr. de Keyser, notwithstanding he holds an innkeeper's
licence. The applause that greeted this announcement showed how
interested the City was in the matter.
The Australian Cricketers are teaming with success. After beating
the Gentlemen Players at the Oval in one innings, which was Ovally
grand, they have scored 501 against the United Eleven at Chichester.
Talk about a run of luck, this must mean several runs of luck.
The Duke of Edinburgh has had a wonderfully narrow escape at
Santiago, where he fell into a weir sixteen feet deep, and for half an
hour was in the utmost danger, being dragged under no less than four
times. One and all will congratulate his Royal Highness on the pluck
and courage he displayed, and will heartily rejoice that he was eventu-
ally rescued from what would have been a weir'd fate indeed.


ONE SHILLING. POST-FREE, is. 2d.

"FUN'S" ACADEMY SKITS.
8kitched by GORDON THOMSON.
"This book is full of hearty fun."-Public Opinion.
"'All the principal pictures in this year's Exhibition at Burlington House are more
or less cleverly caricatured."-Weekly Dispatch.

JUST OUT, ONE SHILLING. POST-FREE, is. 2d.
"FUN'S" COMICAL CREATURES.
One Hundred and Forty Grotesque Pictures
by ERNEST GRISET.
"In which some amusing prose and verse serve as accompaniment to more than six
score of very amusing woodcuts, from grotesque drawings of animals by Ernest
Grise."-'- Weekly Dispatcic.


ID *W^ I^ nu p^ dh o de2 ad only ff---IMnrflBgi~~u^1m MM^**^ ^_M ^ f
B I R D'S "O u ONTSERRAIT "M
flU. 1(B^ \ half the cost and trouble. I*UN | flflAI
US EstaRDisd. DC | -- -n
Soldevery-d I| '^ A m lm M fl A U~tifA ~ For Cutlets, Chops, Curries, ^ *"
6d aTd'.| .| J~ | ] aBm I I& t ^^nT^B^ ^^ 3^^ Steaks, Fish, Game,. Soups, Gravies, V *-
pl&c Adds an appetiesng charm to tdishes. E
Boes ^^ B lm~cU m tl plainest and daintiest of dishes. J il F
Alfred Bird & f ^ X1 ^ 1 ^*^ I^^ ^^| ^ y
Di i AnII' 3 IJ Ti valley for Puntenoy, Fine Flavour, Strength, and
oh hreceipth eof Cheapness. The usual 2s, size bottle for la. Sold byall Grocers,
adrso Hc ave met with general approbation. W:ea sot an )rulggists. &o,.
stsosree, "PASTRY AND SWEETS."--A Little lead pencil an nether scratch norn sport, he points g
Wcnta Practical Hints and Original Recipes for roundedbyanewsprocess. SixPrizeMe alsawarded. Asste AX F
at Dihes for the Dmn and Supper Table. J SampleBox'Gdd;post-freenystampstothe Wolrks,Birmingham. THE CLIMAX OF PERFECTION,"


London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at 33 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 5th, I88sa.
















































FIENDISH. REVENGE.
Major Doodlefog.-" WHY ON EARTH IS THAT PRETTY MIss HARRINGTON TALKING TO THAT ANIMATED HAYSTACK?"
Captain Dunderhead (who would like to be in his place).-" SHE'S LOOKING FOR THE PROVERBIAL NEEDLE, I SUPPOSE, AS I SEE HER
DRESS IS TORN." [Of course it isn't, but all Miss IH.'s pleasure for the evening is spoilt.


OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT WIMBLEDON.
YOUR "Extra-Special," dear Sir, has long been a marked feature of
the Camp at Wimbledon, and I am, in fact, such an old campaigner-
why, I hardly recollect the day when I did not go ali-campaning in
my sweet youth !-that younger volunteers are brought in squads to study
my way of making myself at home on the Common. It was, so to speak,
a liberal education to watch me pitch my tent in the old days. Now, as
I have secured a waterproof one, it needs pitching no longer, but it is
still considered an undoubted boon to note the Oid Campaigner in his
lair.
Visitors to the Camp, then, should ask for "Extra-Special Lodge,"
for even if I should chance to be away when they call, they are at
perfect liberty to see over my tent if they like. I have left a pair of
strong steps with my servant to assist them in so doing, and I hope they
will admire the view.
To tell the truth, Sir, I shall not be at home as much as usual this
season, as I intend to go in more for shooting. I told the Council as
much when I called at their tent on Saturday, and suggested that the
latest returns of the official scores should be styled "bullet-ins."
"Quite so," returned the worthy secretary, waiving my proposal as
airily as though it had been a flag; but before you go in for shooting
you must enter, you know. Have you entered ? "
I smiled at him scornfully. "As an old campaigner," I replied, I
do not quite see how one can 'enter' without 'going in.' When I have
gone in you may be quite sure I shall have entered."
But the secretary,wouldn't see it in this light, and as a consequence
the Queen's Prize will not be on view in your publishing office window
this year, Sir.
But I am not discouraged, Sir, as you would have known had you
been last night in the lines in which "Extra-Special Lodge" is to be
found. At our camp fire the merry joke went round repeatedly, some
were so weak that they only got half-way round, I admit-but these were
not mine; and the loving cup was so relished that, at my suggestion, it
was encored, so that we virtually had a "loving cupple."
Several novel proposals were made and agreed to. My suggestion


for a match between a glass-blower and an Irish M.P., to see which can
make most "bulls" in ten minutes, was carried nern. con. Another of
my motions, that the markers should score in "marking-ink," was
ordered to be sent to the Council; a rider to the effect that the ink
with a stretcher should be used in case of accident, being carried by
forty-two to six. Even after we broke up I caused much muffled laughter
by addressing the patrol as a roll-and-pat of butter 1"
We are scarcely in full swing yet, but already a number of the marks.
men have shot off their ties-and collars, too, for that matter-and will
probably shoot the very coats off their back before they have done.
(N.B.-I pride myself on having worked in this apropos quip thirteen
times in all since I was first delivered of it. Let us hope I may live
twice as many more years, Sir, to introduce it to the public.)-[Let us
hope nothing of the sort!-ED. FUN.]
I made a queer mistake yesterday. Going up to, as I thought, an
American marksman, I exclaimed cordially, "Hail Columbia, old
hoss 1" On which he retorted savagely, "Ye be blawed I I'm jest a
bonnie mon fra' Glaskgee." And so he was, Sir; but how was I to
tell that the stars and stripes all over his arm had no national signi-
ficance?
I say, Sir, I hope you will soon come down. And you may as well
come down handsome whilst you are about it. There is plenty of ice in
my tent, and I am quite ready to revive my fame as the "Old Cham-
pagner." Verb. sap. sat. I as the man said when he whispered the
forgotten word to the "sap who "sat" next him at the Exam.
You will find me improved in my shooting. I have taken such pains,
in fact, at the pool target-dampish work, you know, to be in a pool-
that I am quite "rheumaticky. I have found out, in fact, Sir, that
taking pains at shooting is as easy as catching cold at lawn tennis. So
there !

THE picture entitled "The Last Eleven at Maiwand," now on view,
is not a cricketing piece. It is something warlike, we believe, and
therefore deals rather with battery than batting. Still, no doubt it will
make a long stop.


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. 896,









12 FUN JULY 12, 1882,


THE ADELPHI.-AMR. PLYMPTON, AS WE EXPECTED HIM TO
APPEAR, ON HIS NATIVE ROLLER-SKATES.


R. EDWIN
BOOTH was
heartily wel-
comed back to
England on his
reappearance at
the Adelphi as
Cardinal Riche-
lieu-a "wel-
come back," in
giving which
Englishmen
were assisted by
a considerable
number of Mr.
Booth's own
countrymen.
The verdict is
general that the
actor has lost
none of the
power which so
rapidly placed
him in the front
rank of English
public favourites
some eighteen


months ago. And his acting is undoubtedly fine-very steady, very
powerful, and very closely thought out in all its details; it is art that
falls short of perfection only in that it fails to conceal itself. Mr. Booth
never loses himself in the character; he knows exactly what he is going
to do next,
and how he
is going to ,
do it; he is
never so ab- q S.
sorbed in the
scene that he
cannotejacu-
late an im- i

" Com e, V er !1
come! in
an undertone
to a dilatory
'S u p e r _"
point after .. ..
point, and THE ADELPHI.-ARMAND DE RICHEiLEU 1.MAKES THE
effect after ARMAND HONOURABLE.
effect, are
made with a sort of equable neatness and cleverness that border on
monotony, till we come to some strong "situation;" then the actor
rises, and the grandeur of his power is felt. He dominates the situa-
tion, the stage, and every actor on it, and seems to fill the house with




woo


THE ADELPHI.-A BOOTH PERFORMANCE-THE SWORD TRICK. (Note that the
pen is very small-much mitey-er than the sword, in fact.)
the overpowering force of his personality; but it is Mr. Booth's per-
sonality, with his perfect knowledge of stage effect and skilled method
of employing it, not Cardinal Richelieu's.


Mr. Booth's "support" is an improvement upon that which he re-
ceived when
he was here 'IE. E ..ri c
last, but no .-- -
great inge- ,- .. .
nuity would ,. /"-' / -. -- "
be needed to \,.i. -.:- i ', -
do still more .- ',, ,. -- .l
in that dire ,
tion. Miss
Bella Pate-
man's emo- r I*{j

are consider- '
able, and her
Julie de Mor- ~- C
temar isjulie TuE ADELPHJ.-ANOTHER BOOTH PERFORMANCE-THE HAT
effective, it TRICic (RATHER THE-HAT-TRICKAL).
being mostly
emotion; but her manner in the lighter parts is not to be despised,
and she speaks her blank verse naturally. Mr. Eben Plympton (whom
I half expected to see make his entry on a pair of his namesake's
roller-skates) showed some points of excellence as De Mauprat (who's
given to maup-rather at times !), but is often too loud. Mr. Pateman
does most ample justice to Joseph. By the way, it is a very American
cast; those I've named are all American, and the only other lady in the
piece may be described as a Meyrick-'un too, and a very pleasing and
effective Marion de Lorme she makes. Mr. E. H. Brooke (and that's
an American name) gives us a good old-fashioned stage villain in Baradas
-pursed lips, moving brows, and all complete. Mr. Younge is a very
fair Francoise.

Mr. Charles Brooke's scenery is very good indeed, especially the Car-
dinal's library, which is both elaborate and subdued; but, bombastic
and unnatural as this play is admitted on all hands to be, Mr. Brooke
need scarcely have suggested its apocryphal nature by treating us to a
"blue moon (!) in the last act.


There are to be grand doings at the Gaiety to-morrow (Thursday
morning. Mr. Odell is shortly going to America, and the "Savages"
here are going to give him a benefit (as a possible foretaste of the
"benefit "the savages may give him there!) Mr. and Mrs. Kendal
will play a comedietta (possibly Uncle's Will, in complimentary and
conciliatory allusion to "Uncle Sam"). Mr. Odell himself will read an
Ode eloquently-at least, I think it is an address-written specially for
the occasion by Mr. H. S. Leigh. Mr. Charles Warner and Miss
Alleyn (who will thus make her first appearance in London) will give
the balcony scene from Romeo and 7uliet, and the forest scene from As
You Like It will complete the programme, with Mr. Odell as Touch-
stone, Miss Litton as Rosalind, and the remaining characters by
"Savages"-though which of them will play Celia I have not been
told; only a squaw, I should say, is squaw-lified for the part. The in-
cidental songs will be sung by Mr. F. Celli, the cellibrated baritone,
Mr. H. Walsham and Mr. H. Pyatt. May Mr. Odell have a "bumper
at parting."


Won by Honours, a four-act comedy-drama by L. S. Dee (the nom de
plume of "a
niece of the
late T. W .. / ,. ., ...
Robertson,"
which phrase
seemstohave
some affinity
to Napo-
leon's "Le Le


is to be pro-
duced,forthe l
first time in
London, at
the Comedy
Theatre this THE ADELPHI.-HOW THE BLACK-HEADED BRASS ARMOUR EN-
(W e d n es- TERTAINS ITSELF WHEN THE CURTAIN IS DOWN. THEY NEVER
day) morn- PERFORM OUT SF LONDON, THOSE BLACIK-ARMOURS.
ing. This is
the initial effort of the author (I do not mean the nom de plume, though
that is an initial effort too), as far as the metropolis is concerned; but
it has been well received in the country, and will be well cast in town,
so that its chance is good.








JULY 12, 1882, F U N 13

They have "Marion, the Giant Amazon Queen," appearing in the cellent actor as he is-was simply lost in Macbeth (one of the most un-
"Silver Armour Scene" of Babil and Bijou, at the Alhambra. The pleasant characters to play, I should say, in one of the most unpleasant
young lady is announced as being plays); but Mr. J. H. Barnes made a big success with Macduff. His
between sixteen and seventeen utterance of "Hehasno children !" was a revelation of tenderness well

"and still growing! The spectacle by Mr. Swinbourne for a most regrettable reason, and we heartily wish
of a young lady "still growing" is Mr. RigRold speedy recovery from his unfortunate accident.
P' I" ... so seldom witnessed within the
walls of a theatre, that I am going Mr. Thorne had a good time at his benefit on Saturday, as his
every night, to note how much she enterprise deserves ; and the performance is full of promise for the time
'"makes each twenty-four hours, when we shall see the company on The Road to Ruin every evening.
I expect she'll be rather tall by NESTOR.
Sthe time The Merry War is pro-
duced. A Nocturnal Whistler.

When Madame Ristori, some IN the small hours of the night, during the long sitting, the irrepressi-
eight or nine years ago, played the ble Healy charged an hon. Member with having a penny whistle. No
I: ,bt [1t' sleep-walking scene from Macbeth, doubt he would have exclaimed, Hould your whist-le !" but he was
in English, at the Opera Comiquc, promptly called to order, and substituted the words "a pair of castanets."
l -': .- the impression made was such that Perhaps the I. H. thought the hon. Member was inclined to cast-a-net
.[ 1'I to this moment it has hardly faded and fish for popularity in this rubber at whist-le. But, after all, it may
from the memory of those who saw have been only a flowery figure of speech-a kind of Healy-o-trope, in
~ it. The weird horror of the situa- fact.
tion, and the truthful intensity of
DRURY LANE.-A SKETCH FROM the actress, have no less an effect WE read that "The Provisional Committee for Inaugurating the
POPULAR RISTORI. now when the vast audience of Movement for Paying the Members' have issued a manifesto to the
Drury Lane is struck into an atten- people of Ireland," giving the reason why the Irish Members ought to
tive silence, during which it is scarcely an exaggeration to say one might be paid. One of the reasons is that "If not paid, they must die out."
hear the traditional pin drop. This scene no doubt makes the strongest Now, whether it is our impenetrable ignorance, or our native idiotcy,
impression, as giving the actress her greatest opportunity, but the whole or some other objectionable quality of ours, we can't quite make out :
performance is as near perfection as possible, every varying mood and but we've been positively overworking our brains in trying to see how
motive of the character being indicated with a subtlety and finish which this can be a reason for paying them. It actually appears to our
is the power of genius. disordered minds in the light of a reason for not paying them, and a
There is little to be said of the general cast. Mr. W. Rignold-ex- jolly good one too I


PARLIAMENTARY MEMS.
IN the interests of country cousins and intelligent foreigners
we have much pleasure in printing the following manifesto,
which has reached us from a distinguished source :-
VISITORS TO LONDON should on no account omit to take
notice of the celebrated pictures, The Scotching of Obstruc-
tion,'by Lyon Playfair, and 'The Thirty Hours' Sitting,' done
by several hands. Relays personally conducted by leaders of
the Government and of the Opposition. Private parties ad-
mitted on the most reasonable terms. For further particulars
send seven stamps, and address (in strict confidence) W. E. G.,
care of the Doorkeeper, House of Commons. N.B.-No Irish
need apply."
With reference to the temporary but unavoidable retirement
of Mr. Parnell and his four and twenty friends from that cele-
brated discussion on the Prevention of Crime Bill, it is ru-
moured that, while obstruction was at its height, Sir W-
H- whispered to Dr. L- P- "Are you going to
let these Irish bugaboos go on playing the fool ?" And the
latter answered, I'll see them hanged first I" And he did
-they were all suspended.
The Chairman of Committees has about as thankless a
task as could fall to the lot of any one. He has to keep un-
conscionably late hours, and sometimes to be in his place
unconscionably early; he is impartially blamed for undue
leniency and scandalous severity; and after nearly killing
himself by his efforts to preserve order and promote work,
some ungrateful creature moves a vote of censure upon him.
Then, as a last straw, he has to suffer the unretracted abuse
of an O'Donnell I However, such abuse is apt to cut both
ways. O'Donnell, for his, was suspended for a fortnight, and
the wags immediately began to report that he had got fourteen
days without the option of a fine.
Public business has at last been declared urgent; the effect
upon the two Irish Bills surpassed that produced by any much
be-advertised mineral water or patent medicine whatsoever.
Sir E. Watkin wanted to know what was the decision of
the Government with regard to proceeding with the Channel
Tunnel; but the Government shut up Sir Watkin, and Sir
Watkin has vicariously retaliated by shutting up the Tunnel
works-under legal pressure.
The Lords have decisively refused to accept the Duke of
Argyll's proposal to amend the Parliamentary Oaths Act of
1866. They say they don't like a Bradlaugh Relief Bill unless
it would actually relieve them of Bradlaugh, which they believe
cannot be.


-J


EV C Lt, [q


WARD-ED OFF.
Governess.-" ALLEZ VOUS COUCHER, EDOUARD."
Edward.-" WHAT? Governess.-" ALLEZ VOUS COUCHER."
Edward,-" I DON'T UNDERSTAND 'GO TO BED' IN FRENCH."








14 FUN.


JULY 12, I882.


THE WRONG END.
There is a noisome weed called "Seditious Publication" (of which Freikeit is a variety), and it's funny to watch the Law's mistaken
way of trying to destroy it. The Law cuts away its roots one by one; but the peculiarity of the horrible plant is the fact that, once the
growth is established, the leaves support the roots, and for every one of the latter you chop away a fresh one grows.
When will it occur to the Law to begin at the right end, and suppress the leaves ? The roots would soon die out then.







FU N .-JULv 12, 1882.


THE POLITICAL WIMBLEDON.
SHOOTING AT THE SPHINX.


I

































THE POLITICAL WIMBLEDON.
(See Cartoon.)
HE 'S a pretty knowing shot,
Is that Volunteer whose name
Is accustomed to begin with a G;
Off the awkward Irish butts
He at last has finely scored,
And no doubt it must be "nuts,"
Since his chance was once ignored,
Thus to prove that he is not
So uncertain in his aim .
As his enemies had hoped for to see.
This Volunteer (you've met
With his title, I suppose;
His patronymic ends with an E)
Apparently now thinks,
As Egyptian questions burn,
That that riddle of a Sphinx
May need riddling in its turn;
If he shoots at him, you bet
He will hit him on the nose-
Or rather, where his nose ought to be.









JULY 12, 1882, F U N '. 7


DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT,
NEw SERIES. No. 2.-A RIGID-DITTV.
AIR-" Ican't stand that "

,-7 c0 ME things
we do not
mindatall,
A I t But some we
much re-

C etewayo
makes a
call,
We shall be
well con-
tent.
TheConference
may"keep
it dark,"
We do not
care, that's
flat,
But wronging
Maories-
we'd re.
mark,
We won't put up with that.
We can't stant that, we won't stand that,
We'll stand a lot of nonsense, but we won't stand that
If that Maori deputation has its cases pretty pat,
And proves that they've been "put upon,"-we won't stand that.
The smell of powder's in the air,
The clash of arms is heard,
And if the cause is just and fair,
Objection were absurd;
But whether it be good or grand,
Or whether the reverse,
Him !-taxes-yes-we cannot stand
Attacks upon our purse.
We can't stand that, we won't stand that,
We 'll stand your preparations," but we can't stand that
A tenpencee in the pound," or so, we steadily combat,
So don't begin a-taxing us, we can't stand that.
We do not mind Conservatives
Who bait "the other side,"
For that's the way a party lives,
(Or Liberals had died).
But when they orate by the score,
Then say they'd no intent
To be "a party meeting," or
"Embarrass Government,"
We can't stand that, we can't stand that,
It may be very funny, but we can't stand that;
And when Egyptian politics we find them "getting at,"
To say they're not a party I-oh we can't stand that.

Rosy.
THE Rose Show at the Crystal Palace did not prove a thorn in the
side of the visitors, who, looking on in rose (beg pardon-rows), enjoyed
the sight. It was so innocent an exhibition that not a blush-rose to the
cheek of any; and yet it was not devoid of Cant. In fact, that party was a
very successful competitor.

DURING the recent all night sitting in Parliament it is said that several
Irish M.P.s were angry with Sir W. Harcourt for taking advantage of
them by going to sleep. And yet the Home Secretary is usually con-
sidered pretty "wide awake." Perhaps they thought his slumbers
should have made him more doze-ile to them. But there, the Irish are
naturally partial to a-" wake," and, alas just now they seem a more
un-" nap "-py lot than ever.

MR. BUNTING has been fined 30 at Lambeth for being concerned
with another in the manufacture of illicit spirits. The spirits of Mr.
Bunting will now be likely to flag.


A RE-DUX-IO AD ABSURDUM.-The Hamilton sale.


CURT COMMENTS.
MRS. LANGTRY is going to America in October under engagement to
Mr. Abbey, who gives her, it is said, higher terms than Adelina Patti
or Sarah Bernhardt received. My face is my fortune, sir, she said."
Precisely, for these are feature terms.
Yet another Claimant for the Tichborne estates A Mr. Burden, of
California, who was a page to Sir Edward Doughty, has made affidavit
that this one is the same "Sir Roger" known to him in England. We
have no Doughty thinks so, but will not the public think they have
been "tried" sufficiently, and that the case Ornon't to be reopened ?
The City authorities are much exercised to know what to do with the
costermongers who sell fruit, their number having so increased as to
become a regular nuisance. It seems hard to stop them getting a living,
but unfortunately they stop the traffic. If the men were to carry baskets
instead of wheeling barrows, that would obviate the difficulty, and re-
dound to the common weal.
Two prize fights between women took place on Monday at Middles-
boro'-on-Tees. The higher education of women in that district is un-
doubtedly desirable, for at college they can only become Wranglers."
This is a blow, or rather several blows, to our boasted statements about
the rapid strides of civilization.

To Holiday Makers.-Important.
IT is Mr. FUN's special mission to diffuse light where darkness is
blackest, and joyful mirth where sorrow is keenest. With this object
he calls his readers' attention to the fact that the South London Associ-
ation for Assisting the Blind are making strenuous efforts to give their
poor members their annual summer excursion. Now, Mr. FUN invites
his rich and happy readers who are enjoying the delicious summer sun-
shine by the sea-shore, or amid the fragrance of wild flowers, to remember
their afflicted fellow-creatures whose lives are so dark and cheerless, and
to help them to exchange for one day the atmosphere of the courts and
alleys of South London for the fields and gardens ; the din of the noisy
heated streets for the rustle of the trees and the song of the birds. It
is sad to be poor, far sadder to be blind : these are poor and blind!
Contributions will be received with gratitude by the Hon. Secretary,
J. T. Edmonds, Esq., 15 Brixton Road, S.W. ; or the Hon. Treasurer,
George Tozer, Esq., London and Wesminster Bank, Lambeth Branch,
Westminster Bridge Road, S.E.

THE Home Secretary is considering the question of compensating the
man Charles Frost, who has been convicted of crimes he did not com-
mit, and eventually "pardoned" for the same. One may be pure as
snow and as sharp as Frost, and yet not escape misplaced "pardon."
While we are on the matter of Frost, let's hope the compensation idea
may not end in one.


THE (GENTLEMAN WHO "DREW HIMSELF TO HIS
FULL HEIGHT."









is FTIN


r. JULY 12, 1882.


MR. SHAIR ROWLDuR. Very smart of Watkin to follow Lesseps' ad-
vice as he has, and get the Channel Tunnel finished in spite of the
Government. Assure you, as a fact, the Home Secretary went round
to Watkin's diggings seventeen different times, and went on his knees
each time to beg Watkin to let the Government inspect the tunnel
works.
MR. DE BENTCHER STOCKE. Ah! so I heard. Quite a scene,
wasn't there? Harcourt sobbing like anything, and Watkin throwing
all the boots he could find at him in token of defiance.
MR. SI. R. Yes, that was it. Seventeenth time Harcourt called,
Watkin would not let him in ; so what does Harcourt do but disguise him-
self as the sweep, and get in down the area way, and then discover
himself I Wouldn't do, y'know-Watkin simply kicked him down-
stairs.
MR. DR B. S. Ah I by the way, wasn't there a committee, or some-
thing, inquiring into the danger to the country involved in the construc-
tion of the Chan-
MR. SH. R. Why, to be sure there is It's progressing wonderfully
in its inquiries-getting along like wildfire. Expects to issue its report
about-some time or other.
MR. DE B. S. Ah Well, it's just as well there should be such an
inquiry-so useful in ensuring the safety of the empire !

MR. SH. R. Got any shares in the new company) ?
MR. DE B. S. Eh? Which new comp-
MR. Sit. R. Why, the new "Forts and Arsenals Conversion Company
Unlimited." Just seen a copy of the prospectus. Capital scheme, and
most comprehensive : propose to appropriate the Government forts and
pull 'em down and re-erect them in various continental countries. One
of the directors tells me they 've just concluded a contract with the French
Government to transfer the Dover forts to Calais, and another with Arabi
Pasha to put up the Thames ones at the side of the Suez Canal. It's
also intended to extend operations to the arsenals, and, in fact, the
company hope eventually to deal with all our military and naval es-
tablishments, and offensive and defensive works of every description.
It's a noble plan I
MR. DE B. S. What do the Government say?
MR. SH. R. Oh, they intend to use their utmost influence to persuade
the company to allow them to consider their prospectus, and make
humble suggestions. There's a Parliamentary Committee appointed to
look into the question of possible danger to the country resulting from
the scheme. They 're progressing splendidly; such a safeguard !

MR. DE B. S. I see the Government's been attempting to persuade
that company to forego its plan of sinking all the Woolwich Infants in
the Suez Canal to block it. Chairman snubbed 'em right and left-
MR. SH. R. Yes. Harcourt wrung his hands and offered to clean
all the directors' boots for ever, gratis; but the chairman gave him in
charge. But the committee are getting on famously; expect to send in
their report by next-some day.
MR. DE B. S. Ah I I'm really glad of that. Inspires one with such
confidence, don't it ?

MR. SH. R. Got any shares in the new company ?
MR. DE B. S. Eh ? Which new comp--
MR. SH. R. Why, the new company for the sale of Great Britain to
the Russians. Thing's sure to be a big success. Such a fine oppor-
tunity just now, you see, as we've no forts, nor arsenals, nor fleet, and


the Channel Tunnel's quite undefended. All you 've got to do is to
sign the transfer.
MR. DE B. S. What does the Home Secretary-
MR. SI. R. Oh, he's been round to the chairman and cried till he
got quite hysterical. No use, of course; mustn't be allowed to interfere
with commercial interests. But there's a committee appointed to
inquire into the possible danger to the country, and so on. I hear
they're progressing famously-such a weight it takes off your mind,
doesn't it ?

Well, I 'm glad to say the company have completed the transfer, and
the Russians enter into possession to-morrow morning. By the way,
the Parliamentary Committee have sent in their report; expect it'll
throw a lot of light on the subject,

Dough-ty Deeds.
THE other day a densely crowded meeting of journeymen bakers of the
northern district of London was held at Wellington Hall, Islington, to
protest against the way in which they are overworked and underpaid.
From the report in the dailies it seems that, like the bread they make,
they are determined to rise, and from the floury language used many are
evidently extremely crusty. Mr. Chalmers undertook the rdle of chair-
man, and though not a kneady man himself, expressed his sympathies
with those that are. Mr. Colley, the district secretary, read out an
amended scale of pay, which was unanimously agreed to; so that the
penny loaf, which for a long time has been getting small by degrees and
beautifully less, will now probably assume the size of a moderately large
marble. The country generally will feel this, the cottage customer as
well as the plain householder, for it affects those without tin (loaves) and
those with particularly large twists.

"UNIFORM" POLITENESs.-That received from men in livery.


K'AT~


-I

~it







'1


FOURTEEN DAYS.
HUMBLY our Premier asked an explanation
Of his dear friend O'Donnell's aberration;
But as none came, he had but one course left,
And, with a voice of all its charm bereft,
The Grand Old Man said he had no intention
Of really asking for his friend's suspension,
But he, for form's sake, would just put the motion,
And trusted to his colleagues' great devotion
Not to disgrace the House by its adoption.
Sentence. Fourteen days without the option.









JULY 12, I882. FUN. 19


Using 'Em Up.
(See recent affair at the Guildhall Court.)
Go, fetch a jury, worthy men
Of honest British race;
Such men as show their mettle when
We try a knotty case ;
Good solid minds that grasp a thing;-
But mind, before you go,
It isn't any use to bring
A paltry twelve or so.
We shall have spoilt, beyond a doubt,
And damaged through and through,
Before the day is fairly out,
Those twelve good men and true;
The court is stufly, smelly, sour,
Unhealthy, crammed, and hot;
We use a juror once an hour,
So bring a goodish lot.
They 're forced, whatever they 're about,
To come at any price :
A score of them would soon give out;
A hundred might suffice;
The weather's warm, the courts are now
Particularly close ;
A little margin we '11 allow-
Suppose you bring a gross.
Just pile the jurors in a heap,
And load them on a cart;
You needn't pack 'em; they will keep
Until we make a start.
In view of how we treat 'em, when
In court, we needn't care
In whatso plight they reach the den,
Or how we get them there.
This twelve will do-they 're rather thin-
Now squeeze and tightly fix
Those twelve enlightened jurors in
A box designed for six;
With human strength it's such a long
Titanic job to do-
We have it Run and get a strong
Hydraulic jack or two.
Another ton-a couple more-
They're in-we 've done it. What I
Good gracious! Fancy! Here's a bore-
We've been and spoilt the lot I
The Court will chafe at this delay,
And know the reason why;
Look sharp, and throw this lot away,
And bring a fresh supply.


*

.~>-*-4
C:- _J


CHECKMATE.
(A Reminiscence of Henley Regatta.)
Awful Object (anxious to know Swell's Club).-" I SAY, WOT COLOURS 'RE
THOSE, MATE ?"
Outraged "London" Alan (shortly).-" BLUE AND WHITE, SIR."
[He would have liked to have kept in disdainful silence, but he thought
he had a good reply, and the temptation was too much for him.


Pro Patria; or, The Royal Engineer.
ONE sweet evening in summer a pair of lovers (Binks and his Saccha-
rina) sauntered along a secluded portion of the coast about two miles
from where the statue to that knight of olden days, Sir Edward Watkin,
marks the English entrance of the Channel Tunnel. She was fair, the
light in her eyes beamed as soft and pure as the moonbeams reflected in
the restless waves, eyes and waves being alike deep, blue, and drowning.
In addition she was most respectably connected. But her companion
was of a more Bohemian cast. His roving disposition was incompatible
with a steady-going craft, such as a welsher's, a confidence trickster's,
or even a lawyer's. Disdaining the advice of his friends, he had en-
listed in the Royal Engineers; and, though past twenty-one at the time,
became again a miner.
For a while only the murmur of the waters and the clang of shore-
cast shingle broke the stillness of that night. At last she sneezed, and
when the reverberating echoes that shook the cliffs for miles around had
died away, she sighed, "Dearest, bravest, and best, we must part."
"I never do if I can help it," he replied; "besides, I'm not aware I
owe you anything; if I do, my dividend's twopence in the pound."
"Jest not," she murmured, and he echoed, "Jest so." At last she told
him they must sever, and that, though she'd love him ever, they would
be united never, which he declared was very good poetry but bad sense;
in fact, her lines were for him hard lines. This so affected the maiden
that she turned and left him, and, a few minutes after closing-time, was
discovered weeping on the steps of the nearest public house.

At last the sparks that had smouldered for so long broke into a flame.
England and France were at war. An invasion was threatened; but


with our circle of screw electric ships, and our balloon army, we were
confident in our impregnability. In one spot, however, like Achilles,
we were vulnerable. This was the Channel Tunnel, the bore of which
was swept by the French artillery, while their infantry were advancing
behind. A panic set in, and heaps of stockholders in a few hours made
fortunes out of Consols. Even this did not check the French.
At the Tunnel-mouth assembled a mighty crowd, among them
Saccharina and her relatives. Private Binks essayed to approach her,
but his essay was declined with thanks by her friends. When he asked
them if Saccharina might be his, they told him they would see him at
the bottom of the sea first. Happy thought I" he cried, "you shall.
If I check the invader and get from Government a peerage or else a
crossing at the West-end, may Saccharina then be mine ?" And her
pater replied in the affirmative.
*
Binks approached the General at the mouth of the tunnel, where he
had a general shop. "Give me a diving-suit," he. cried, "and I will
save you." They offered him a Chancery suit, but that didn't suit, so
they gave him what he asked for, and he disappeared beneath the wave,
looking like a magnified insect, and bearing in his right hand a pickaxe.
Presently he reappeared, and various objects were to be observed floating
on the surface of the ocean. He had made a hole with his pickaxe in the
side of the tunnel, and the invading foe found their ardour considerably
damped. Thepaler gave him Saccharina, and the Government rewarded
him with the West-end crossing, and recommended him to make as
clean a sweep of that as he had done of the invaders. As for the Com-
mission on the Pipeclay Department, they were simply rewarded with
a few paltry peerages; so that you see, in the long run, virtue is gene-
rally its own reward, and oftentimes its only one.


gr. To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or fay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamed and directed envelope.








20 FUN JULY 12, 1882.

HENLEY REGATTA. (By One who wasn't there.)















The Maiden Race. The Prize.















The Young Man and Girl of the Period Race, The Steam Launch Tournament.
in Costumes of the Period.

TURF CUTTINGS. By the way, Sir, you might use that stereotype for the first time to
To THE EDITOR OF "FUN jubilate over my Northumberland Plate Tip; you know what I said-
STHE EDITOR OF "FN"Or, putting it stricter, Emanuel's Victor, and what can be plainer
SIR,-Willyou kindly have the sentence "Right again! stereotyped? than that?" Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
I am so invariably right in my vaticinations that I am sure such a course
would save your compositors much manual labour, and me a consider-
able sum in pen and ink. Trusting you will see the force of this obser- Baa-baa-rous.
vation, I herewith present you with my MR. LAMB'S attack on Mr. Wells, at a Brighton meeting the other
TP FO THE L C day, made every one look sheepish. Folks are blaming the former,
TIP FOR THE LIVERPOOL CU.saying his behaviour was lamb-entable. The prospect of peace between
In most astutely totting up these two is not, we regret to say, a Bright-'un.
The chances for this noted Cup,
The difficulties that we view
Are, on the whole, extremely few. Who Refugees to Admit it?
IF the European refugees from Egypt see fit to gather at Malta, we
They principally seem to be cannot call them Malta-gether wrong ; but if it is true that on account
An ignorance of pedigree, of their numbers the rations show signs of running out, it is obviously a
Of mounts and their respective jocks, matter imperatively requiring some Malta-ration.
And if all 's right about the hocks,
And what their previous "form" has been, YES, the Lady Rosalie was angry. By nature a coquette, she had
And if the weights weviler seen the Queen eaten freely of slate-pencils and chalk for months, in order to make
And if the weights will snuff them out, herself look delicate and interesting. She had also consumed quantities
And what the deuce it's all about. of inferior pickles, with a most satisfactory result. But when Saville,
These minor matters cast aside, her maid, brought a bottle of Pink's genuine pickles by mistake, the
The winner's easily described : scintillations of twelve and a half furies wobbled in her ladyship's eyes.
The well-aimed Buckshot ought to tell, Take them away I" she shrieked. Pink's Pickles are among the
Or, againstt them all, there's Ishmael. best in London, the very aroma of them gives me an appetite."

Specialite" GO L D EN MONTSERRAT LIME-FRUIT
C O ATE D PE N S. For Cutlets, Chops, Curries,JUICE
ELEGANT! CLEAN! DURABLE! Steaks, Fish, Game, Soups, Gravies,
R D&c. Adds an appetising charm to the
INK AND RUST DEFYING. plainest and daintiest of dishes. AU E
In is. Boxes, of all Stationers. Unrivalled for Prunency, Fine Plavour, Strength, and
J. H., on receipt of stamped envelope, and one extra Cheapness. The usual 2s. aize bottle for Is. Sold ball Grooers,
stamp, will send a Sample Card of Four Pens for trial.
Any selection, please order of Stationers. Draggists, &o.
JOHN HEATH, 70 George Street, Birmingham. "THE CLIMAX OF PERFECTION."
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July 12th, 188.









FTUNo


IMBLEDON MEETINGS are a snare," muttered the man with a wooden
spoon, who is always fretting because he doesn't happen to have been born
with a silver one: "the weather is generally unpropitious, and it's beastly
/ to be always missing the mark ; but it's all the weather-bah!" Then the
big target gave way to a fiendish chuckle, and hissed up at him, You ain't
the only one. Why, Bull himself's missed a good many times lately, but
he's struck home at last." They all pricked up their cars, but evidently did
not care so much about the subject of the target.
"'Ah said the umbrella, with a look of conscious pride, I am the most im-
portant person in the camp. You are unable to do without me in hot weather, or
in wet-I am indispensable." "You're a conceited fellow," returned the pipes,
who were fiery little chaps ; "why, they 'd rather do without you than us-bah !"
The ice looked with a cynical air at them. She was of a most cold nature; she
knew too, perhaps, that she was only important on hot days ; besides, being friendly
with the cigars, who would not condescend to argue with low pipes and a baggy
umbrella, she merely looked and said nothing. "Cast your eye on those cards,"
remarked the umbrella, "they are made a great fuss with during the show ; but
they get left behind for the touts and loafers to pick up after all is over. Oh, what
a fall in life! I 'd rather be a dice-box." And the cards curled and crumpled as
they thought of their fate. The lamp, coffee-pot, cups, and saucers looked up ad-
miringly at the oracle. The champagne-bottle remained silent: he knew he would
be cockshied at as soon as his wine was drunk.
"' Hark !" continued the umbrella, they are cheering one of the winners, I hear
the strains of the bagpipes' Bonnie Dundee.' It sounds to me more like I 'll
tell your mother what you've done,' growled a short pipe, who was low and music-
hally. At this juncture the stentorian voice of John Bull was heard proposing above
all the others, Queen and Country, Army, Navy, and Volunteers," in one grand
mixed toast. "Haul up the Union Jack," he cried ; "' Gladdy has pottered often,
but he's going to make a real pot-shot this time !" And the largest target smiled
on him approvingly, and said, Improve your shooting, John; don't be afraid to
shoot when necessary. With Gladdy as chief marksman, you should be able to hold
your own against all comers. Look what you did with your big guns in a few hours
at Alexandria." The cheering here became immense. The umbrella rattled his
wires with pleasure. And when darkness had settled over the camp, the cigar unbent
his pride and asked the umbrella why-they cheered so. "Because we are fighting
the Egyptians, and got the best of it at Alexandria." But what is the cause of
the war ?" It 's a complicated question," replied the astute umbrella:
"We've got the money,
They've got none,
And that is how the row begun !
And he turned himself over and went to sleep.


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. 897.









* 22 FU N JULY 19, 1S82


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
SFF they gol
One after ano-
ther they put
up their shut-
ters and depart.
TheSt.James's
closed on Sat-
urday; all gone
-dispersed, as
it were, "into
thin Hare,"
their Kendals
S all put out.
S1Then Odette is
going to leave
1 her lodgings in
the Haymarket
Si'" ( i ,- very shortly
when this lod-
,j ger is gone Mr.
Bancroft will,
no doubt, soon
"put up ano-
SLASHES AND PUFFS. therb ill."Next
Saturday The
Colonel departs, and when the kernel's gone there will be an nut-terly
utter empty shell in Tottenham Street. On the 29th Mr. Irving takes
his benefit, and
departs with '
"adoo! to re- --. Y .
turn in the au-
tumn with an- / / ij ;,
other ado- '_ _
Much A do '
About A othing
-in which he "' ..
and Miss Terry .
will surely re- ,
ceive much de- ''"
served ado-la- .
tion; and, lastly, A ":
Mr. Toole is not "''
going Toole- -- i -.
linger much I
longer.. -_
But, I say,
where have all
the summer
season" com- -,
panies got to?
Where 's that THF HAYMARKET.-PUTTING UP A NEW BILL.
eminent trage.
dian from the T.R. Mudville-on-the-Ooze, who hasn't had a fair chance
before? Where's
that promising
young lady who
only wants some
one to "stand
the racket," in
order to "show
them how to do
it," and live in
fame for ever?
Where's that
fifth-rate pro.
vincial company
that wants to
advertise its
piece in the
coming autumn
as played at
all the principal
London the-
S datres" ? Ehb?
\ Where are they?
I don't see them
anywhereabout.
THE PRINCE OF WALES s.-THE COLONEL OFF AT LAST. And, here, I
say, where 's
that "new Juliet "? Surely she's due about now ?


Well, well! if they don't come, we must try and do without them.
Meanwhile here's Mr. Toole going to produce Mr. Paul Meritt's Rough
and Ready on the 20th-that's to-morrow (Thursday)-so we must
down with our "ready," and rough it as well as we can with that,

A performance by the pupils of Mr. George Neville was given the
other night at the Falstaff Club. Mr. Neville is evidently "the right
man in the right place as a teacher-these pupils of his had learnt all
of acting that can be taught, so that the entertainment was less of a
taught-ture than is usual with amateur efforts.

The Midgets, having been patronized by royalty, are now established
at the Imperial. They are wonderful little people, and any one who
has not seen them should do so immidgetly.

M. Planquette's English opera is said to be on the subject of Rip
Van Winkle-I always like to give you winkle-ings of what's likely to
be coming. I hope the piece will enhance the composer's Rip-utation,

The Gaiety company return to town on the 7th of next month, ap-
pearing in Mr. Burnand's Whittington and his Cat,-
"They will return, I know them well,"


they 've writturn to say so.


NESTOr.


The Solution by Arms.
'T WAS an Ancient, bleared and seared,
With a weary air and weird,
As of one who's listened long unto the things the Times thinks smart;
And he fondled his dull chain,
As he struck up the blunt strain
Of familiar verse-narration, in the manner of Bret Harte:-
Yes, I recollect the time
When we all Prevented Crime
In a way that almost drove one to fresh murder on the spot;
When the freedom of debate
Served to teach us how to hate,
Burl.e the curious policeman and prudentially Boycot.
"And I fancied, at the first,
This last fire-escape, coerced,
Might fall over and reverse us ere we reached the final rungs;
When, to quiet our alarms,
Kindly Members took up arms,
Chiefly Home Unruly Members, who had hitherto used tongues.
"Biggar brought his Belfast-made
Elegant Toledo blade;
Healy practised in the lobbies with a twelve-shot Derringer.
And said some harsh men inside,
Let him go on shooting wide,
IHe can't draw his longbow on us, though he pot a Messenger.'
The O'Kelly's falchion waved,
And the Parnell razor shaved,
And John Dillon slid his frigid fierce stiletto up his cuff;
The O'Connors sheathed their swords
Jointly in the House of Lords
(Tommy tommyhawked Lord Selborne, whom King Arthur cut up
rough).
As for us, Sir? Well, we lay
Dead in heaps, a score a day,
And our surgeons' bills in budgets proved a formidable drop;
And our widows' pensions came
Almost up to a duke's claim
For possessing a grandfather, till the Premier said-' Stop 1'
"He'd been up, you see, all night
In a Radical free fight,
And the shindy and shillelahs told upon his tortured head.
'You may carry what you like
In the shape of pick or pike,
But you must wear a six-shooter,' were the solemn words he said.
And that week the Bill was passed-
Twenty-fifty-and the last
Measure placed with pious wisdom on the library's lost shelves
Was the measure that gave room
In St. Patrick's for the tomb
Of the Irish Party pistolled in the lobby by themselves."








JULY 19, 1882. FUN.


So Unconstrained I
OH, true hospitality's simply a gem
Befitting the Britons, and cherished by them; _
Oh, long is the zone that entirely surrounds
Our fair hospitality's uttermost bounds.

Our fair hospitality stands unexcelled
Because of the fact that it's never compelled-
It isn't Unwilling Necessity masked ;
No I no I It is ever extended unasked.
Whenever a Briton invites you to come,
You never say "ha," and you never say hum,
Still less does it strike you to send him a "no "-
You know you are thoroughly welcome, and go.
Regarding this gem : where on earth shall we seek
A setting more fit than the "silvery streak"?
The gem's of too sterling and sparkling a worth
To be hidden in tunnels or under the earth I
Although hospitality, tendered with grace,
Is ever acceptable, ever in place,
It still was reserved for Sir Edward to show
The fittingest channel in which it should flow.
We hear Colonel Yolland embraced with delight
Sir Edward's most kind and spontaneous invite-
(So wholly removed from a summons that shirks
The visit suggested)-to look at "the works."
This warm invitation, so open and free,
So teeming with welcome, is lovely to see ;
It differs so much from a summons withheld,
Or grudgingly given when simply compell'd I
Some folks won't invite you, as people declare,
Until you bring absolute pressure to bear I
Some people-although, as a Briton, you scoff
At notions so horrid-keep putting you off.
Some people postpone you until you are raw,
And driven to go and appeal to the law; COUNTRY PEOPLE LIKE POLITENESS.
And whtn they invite you, it's plain as the day
They long for the time of your going away I 'Ary (io stout Country Landlady).-" NOW TUEN, MISSUS, LOOK
ALIVE."
In view of such churlishness being about, Missus.-" LOOK ALIVE, INDEED, YOU 'ARF-DRIF D HERRING I 'D BE
How sweetly Sir Watkin's behaviour stands out soRV IF I DIDN'T LOOK MORE ALIVE THAN YOU; I'D LET MYSELF OUT
From memory's page can we ever efface AS A SCARECROW."
Such genuine heartiness, frankness, and grace? [ Yet 'Any can't understand wk zt she copped the needle about.


JEM BROOKS'S FIRST MADNESS,
AND the way 'e went out of 'is mind the first time was certainly very
curious; the doctor said 'e 'ad met with one or two cases like it, but
they were very rare. Shall I tell you 'ow it was ? Well, then, just listen:-
Old Jem Brooks went in very strong at one time on teetotalism, and
used to lecture and spout away about it to no end, 'e did; and 'e made
a vow that on no earthly consideration would 'e ever enter a pub., and
said all sorts of 'ard things against them. You must know that when
Jem Brooks made up 'is mind about anything 'e was a very difficult
customer to move, and I don't think anybody would 'ave got 'im to go
into a public housee if they 'd tried ever so much.
Well, as I was sayin', 'e worked so 'ard at this teetotalin', and never
takin' nothing to drink, that 'e began to get quite thin and looking very
bad like, till at last 'e thought it would be as well to see 'is doctor.
Well, the doctor looks at 'is tongue, and feels 'is pulse, and all that sort
of thing, you know, and asked 'im how 'e lived. At last 'e says, says
'e, "I'll tell you what it is, Brooks," says 'e, "your a-killing of your-
self with this bothering teetotaling," says 'e, "and you must give it up,
or die, that's what 'e said."
Then wasn't old Brooks wild, and wouldn't believe a word on't; but
the doctor stuck to 'is point and argued the old chap regularly down,
and told him plainly that he was dying for want of a little stimulant-
that he ought, in fact, to take a glass of hot whiskey and water every
day. Jem shook his 'ead, muttering, "Impossible I impossible! I Not
to be done at any price, I tell you." But at last 'e said, "Look you
'ere, doctor, I 've been an apostle of teetotalism, up 'ill and down 'ill,
an' through all sorts of weather, thick an' thin, and I 've made a vow
never to enter a public housee under no consideration whatever, and
altogether I 've said so much against taking alcoholic drinks in every
form that I should be ashamed to ask my servant to bring me 'ot water
for such a purpose. I couldn't look 'er in the face an' do it."


"Well," said the doctor, "that is rather awkward, certainly; but
can't we manage it in some other way, think you ?" So, after con-
sidering a little bit, he said, "I '11 tell you what it is, old fellow, you
must get a bottle of whiskey in your bed-room, and when you have the
'ot water brought up for shaving, don't you see ? use that. Now, then,
I 'm off out of town for two or three days, and I'll call and see 'ow
you're getting on when I come back."
But 'e didn't come back for a fortnight, and when 'e called Brooks
wasn't at 'ome, so 'e asked the servant girl 'ow 'er master was.
"Oh," says she, "he's very much better, sir,-wonderfully better,
so lively and cheerful, quite a different man from what 'e was. But,"
and 'ere the girl looked very serious and her face was as long as 'er
apron, and, shaking her 'ead, she says, but, sir, 'e's gone quite off 'is
'ead, quite; and 'e 'as such strange fancies, sir."
"Indeed I" said the doctor, with a puzzled look What does 'e do ?"
"Well, sir, it's so strange, master's always a.shaving of himself;
why, 'e shaves himself six times in the day, sir."
Umph !" said the doctor, "six times a day ? that is madness indeed.
We must see about this at once."
And while 'e was talking to the girl, who should come up but Jem
Brooks himself, quite jolly, and slapping the doctor on the back, 'e says,
"Glad to see you, old man-by jingo this is luck-come in, old fellow.
Come up into my room and we'll 'ave a long chat. And, Mary," 'e
called out to the girl, "bring up my shaving water immediately, I'm
in a 'urry."
When the doctor came downstairs again, smelling very strong of
peppermint lozenges, 'e advised Mrs. Brooks to get 'er husbandd into the
'sylum for a few weeks 'afor 'e got any worse.
So they sent 'im to the 'sylum, and when 'e came out again 'e said
'e 'd changed 'is mind on the teetotal question, and 'e was going to
chuck it over altogether and let 'is beard grow-which he did,








24 FU N. JULY 19, 1882.
THE PREVENTION OF CRIME BILL.
The Irish Members and the Search Clauses.
.66W K, ai A 1, /14


4--
/
$*,.;, /,:


Y


Sketch showing the Sanctities of Family Life being,invaded by the police on the search."


_tre stn M \std 7R'- in h sdo sic \p a s
Interesting study of murderer, secure in his domestic privacy after sunset, as desired by the Irish Members.


" Hullo l" screamed the Irish M.P., % asked one night in his diggings at Westminster b/ an intrusive burglar; "Hi! police!" .\ reproachful tear stood in the
burglar's eye. Surely you ain't a-goin' to set the perlice on to me!" he said; I'm Domestic Privacy-I 'm the Sanctities uf Family Life !"


N\ i\~\A%





F TTN,.-JULY 19, 1882.


/


"IN SEL
We didn't want to fight, but, by Jingo! when we did,
We Ihad 1he ships, and had the men, who acted as was bid,


F-DEFENCE."
And battered Alexandria where Arabi was hid,
Against the orders from Constantinople.


IV\


\%X


^. -


/ 4


VK






























IN SELF-DEFENCE.
(See Cartoon.)
You probably remember a once popular refrain
Connected with Lord B.'s Administration,
Which gave peace-loving Radicals considerable pain,
And thus in doggerel fostered agitation-
"We don't want to fight, but, by Jingo! if we do,
We've got the ships, we've got the men, we've got the money to *,"
Suggesting that we'd surely blaze away till all was blue
Not to let the Russians take Constantinople.
Perhaps you too remember how the Opposition then
Objected to such bellicose effusions,
And gave the name of Jingoes to the riotous young men
Who thus endorsed Lord Beaconsfield's conclusions;
Who wish'd not to fight, but, by Jingo if they could,
There scarcely was a doubt that they precipitately would,
For warlike expeditions they considered very good-
Especially about Constantinople.
But circumstances greatly alter cases, as you '11 learn;
We're Ministers just now, not Opposition;
And, strange though it may seem, we half suspect ourselves in turn
To suffer from a Jingoish condition.
We didn't want to fight, but, by Jingo when we did,
We had the ships, and had the men, who acted as was bid,
And battered Alexandria where Arabi was hid,
Against the orders from Constantinople.









FUN.


JULY 19, i882


PARLIAMENTARY MEMS.
THE Egyptian Crisis having at last come to a head, our political
doctors have of course been thirsting to lance it, and the volleys of
questions that have been poured forth must have worried the Govern-
ment almost as much as the volleys of shell worried Arabi's artillery-
men. But there was this difference; for whereas Arabi's artillerymen
were unable to hold their own, the Government stood to their guns and
succeeded in repelling a spirited attack, from the land side, led by Mr.
Gourley and Sir Wilfrid Lawson. The Premier declined to allow him-
self to be blown up like some of the Alexandrian forts; and he ex-
plained, to the mystification of several of his customary allies, that we
were not at war with Egypt, and that the concert of Europe was main-
tained. So the said allies had to content themselves with observing
that we were enjoying a very peculiar style of peace, and that the con-
cert was playing a rather Wagnerite tune.
With respect to Admiral Seymour's ultimatum, Lord Granville re-
marked that it was very painful for a powerful military nation to be
obliged to exercise force against those who are weaker. One cannot
help reflecting how still more painful it might have been had the cir-
cumstances been reversed.
The Lords have passed the Prevention of Irish Crime Bill through
all its stages with the most commendable expedition. Newspaper pro-
prietors, journalists, and special correspondents in the Lower House,
please copy.
Before the above-named Bill left the Commons there was a great fight
over a clause granting the right of night searches for arms, regarding
which the Government proposed to make some concession in deference
to the protestations of Parnell and Co. But those grateful patriots, seeing
a chance of damaging the power that is, let their country slide for the
nonce, and, by declining to vote, left the Government in a minority of
thirteen. This caused Mr. Gladstone to do what he called "consider
his personal position"-an easy task enough, he being a person of much
consideration; and, as might have been expected, he came to the con-
clusion that a minority of a baker's dozen," under such conditions,
dozen't matter at all. So he didn't resign, and things went on as before.
The Arrears of Rent Bill has been stoutly contested in Committee, a
good many divisions being taken on what are termed "strict party lines."
These party lines the Conservatives probably look upon as hard lines,
for their amendments are rejected in wholesale fashion.
In consequence of the shocking backwardness of public business, it is
decided that the House shall adjourn when the two Irish Bills are cleared
off the board, and shall meet again in the latter half of October, when
the Rules of Procedure will be brought under its impassioned examina-
tion. Won't their Lordships grin when they see the Commons set to
work again, long before their own holidays are over I

NEW LEAVES.
Macmillan's this month is full of admirable writing, and consequently
of admirable reading, in the midst of which is Mr. A. Mathison's A
Song for Women." It reads like a ringing echo of Hood's "Song of a
Shirt," but with a thrilling voice of its own.
The Theatre, besides all its interesting readable matter, has an excel-
lent photo of Mr. Charles Wyndham and Miss Mary Rorke in Fourteen
Days, and a highly humorous facsimile of a drawing, by F. Barnard, of
Toole in the Villainous Squire.
The Century has, as usual, a wealth of powerful and tender illustra-
tions. The set which depicts horses in action may be commended to the
attention of those interested in the subject of animals in motion. St.
Nicholas also has a rich bill of fare in literary and artistic provisions.
The Squire is a most desirable acquaintance and companion, full of
entertaining matter.
Household fWords, full of variety; The Leisure Hour, The Sunday at
Home, The Boy's Own Paper, and The Girl's Own Paper, are all good
for their good purposes.

A Dogged Policy.

THE persistent statements as to the Government having had recourse
to bloodhounds in Ireland is contradicted. Things have gone badly
enough across St. George's Channel, goodness knows I but the Govern.
ment has not quite gone to the dogs yet in Ireland, for all that!

Lacs a Daisy!
THOSE two pieces of furniture at the Hamilton sale which fetched
nearly Xo,ooo each were described as being of ebony and lacquer. But
judging by the prices realized, the lac employed in the operation of
lacquering must surely have been a "lac of rupees."

CAUSE AND EFFECT.-The baby which was born with "a call"
grew up to be a company promoter.


DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.


NEw SERIES. No. 3.-AN ODD-DITTY.
AIR.-" Three Nice Old Ladies."
THREE nice old cabbies went
To their employing gent,
Oh, dear me I oh, dear me !
Requesting he 'd require
Less cash for his cab's hire,
Oh, dear me I oh, dear me I
"Unless you do," said they,
"How can we make it pay?"
But he 'd not yield, worse luck !
And so those cabbies struck.
Oh, dear me I" said the three,
"This is a thing as ought never to be."
Three nice old farmers went
And full a day they spent,
Oh, dear me I oh, dear me I
At Reading, where, you know,
The Royal have a show.
Oh, dear me I oh, dear me !
While each possessed a son
Encamped at Wimbledon,
And one who fished for carp
And prizes at Hendon's "Harp."
"Oh, dear me!" said the three,
"Each of us seems to be having a spree."
Three nice old pictures went
To swell the complement,
Oh, dear me I oh, dear me I
Of that collection large
In Mr. Burton's charge,
Oh, dear me I oh, dear me !
By which you 'll understand
The Hamilton 's sold them, and
They have been purchased by
The Nash'nal Gall-er-ry.
Oh, dear me I oh, dear me I
This is a thing that is pleasant to see.
Three nice old Easterns went
With peaceable intent,
Oh, dear me I oh, dear me I
And, placing thumb to snout,
They spread their fingers out,
Oh, dear me oh, dear me I
"But," says the British Tar,
"These chaps have gone too far;
With them we '11 have a row."
And, pray, where are they now ?
"Oh, dear me !" said the three;
"We shouldn't have bearded these dogs of the sea.


Poha, for Shame!
A RABID dog is the enemy of mankind generally, and really it would
seem, if we consider the mischief he has done, and is doing, that
A-rabi(d) Pacha is not very much else.








28IC IEF UI NI" Tr'IV TO, TSS2


"CHEESE ITI"
SCENE-Annual Dinner o, Volunteer Cort2s.
jAenmber (a Shoemaker who aoes not "stick to his last," after freely partaking oj the soups, entrees, sweets, &'c.).-"'COMRADE, WOU.LD
YOU MIND HANDING ME THE CHEESE? I ALWAYS FINISH WITH IT AT HOME."
Brother ltlemlber.-" VES, MATE, AND OFTEN BEGIN WITH IT TOO, I'M AFRAID."


OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL'S BENEFIT.
THANKS to your kind permission, Sir, I am able this week to announce
the preliminary details of the GRAND COMPLIMENTARY BENEFIT which,
with the kind co-operation of my numerous journalistic and artistic
friends, I shall take in the course of a few weeks.
I am quite aware that such benefits have hitherto been confined, as a
rule, to members of the dramatic profession ; but I have never seen the
force of this condition ol affairs, and hope that now I am about to set
a different example, my lead will be largely followed by my brethren.
I am very sure we poor journalists, many of us, stand in much greater
need of benefit performances than the thriving managers and successful
actors who, as we see, have such substantial compliments pressed upon
them.
At any rate, Sir, I have almost settled that my benefit shall be held
at St. James's Hall, as soon as it can be arranged, and I am proud to
add that the following items, amongst numerous others, will be found in
the programme.
Of course the staff of your excellent journal will rally round me like
one man ; and it is like your own amiable self, Sir, to have so kindly
promised to appear early in the proceedings and correct one of my proofs
in your most dashing manner.
Trophonius, if he can only be kept up to it, will come on just after
the interval for refreshments, and name the I, 2, 3 for the Cesarewich in
hexameter verse, whilst Nestor has nobly agreed to write his "criti-
witticisms" ot the last new play on a black-board.
Your artists have also consented to do all they know with the brush
and pencil; and though I am not at liberty to publish in advance the
subjects of their sketches, I am quite sure of one thing, viz., that they
will succeed in "drawing a capital house."
The name of the other journalists who have proffered aid is legion.
My friend Steenie Graff, so well known in the Press Gallery at the
House, will be present and report one of the Premier's most valuable
,peeches verbatim. Mr. B. will be there too, to write a Times leader,


and the author of the Man and Dog Fight" will oblige with one of
his most sensational articles.
A leading City Editor will show, coram foAulo, how the money
article is done, and the Editor of the St. James's will pen a Jingo
leader, accompanied by the full brass band of the Grenadier Guards.
Mr. Archibald Forbes, at great personal inconvenience, has promised
to take part in the programme, and will be timed to arrive at St. James's
Hall in a balloon during the performance. He will then make an entri
equestrien, and write a despatch describing a battle whilst riding round
a ring on a bare-backed steed. He will also pen a telegram bound
hand and foot, and carry a packet of MSS. through fire and water."
(N.B.-The igneous and aqueous effects kindly supplied by a well-
known London stage manager.)
A large number of amateurs have volunteered their services, and will
write as many letters to the Times as time will permit. I hope it is not
premature to announce the appearance of Mr. G. A. Sala, who will
perform his well-known feat of making a D. T. leader out of a Lem-
priire and a back number of the Continental Bradshaw.
During the interval the waste-paper baskets from all the editorial
rooms in London will be exhibited on the platform, and the audience
will be permitted to make a dive into each on payment of a small fee,
with full liberty to retain the MS. grasped in the operation.
This hurried summary, Sir, is necessarily incomplete, for every post
brings me more offers of help ; and I may at once tell you that I have
accepted the services of a "London Correspondent" who will invent a
"Cabinet Crisis," a "Nihilist Plot," and a "Scandal in High Life," on
the spur of the moment. But for the present I must conclude, pro-
mising to keep you well informed, Sir, of the further development of my
benefit.

THE Lords' amendments to the Riverside Fish Market Bill were
evidently favourable to Mammon; yet, strange to say, the motion to
reject their amendments was Ritchie's.









JULY 19, 1882. ].FUN 1J\. 29

FUN'S CONUNDRUMS.-No. 3.


A Rainy Rhyme.
(Dedicated to this present July.)
AN intelligent foreigner lately came here,
To study the pleasures to Britain pertaining;
When he landed, the sky (though 't was summer) was drear,
And lo it was raining !
He waited some time, then he purchased a gamp "
(He was much too polite to indulge in complaining),
But our weather continued exceedingly damp,
It was heavily raining I
"I '11 seek shelter," said he, "it will soon be all right,
And a glimpse of the sights I may then be obtaining."
He waited; and still, he observed with affright,
It hadn't done raining !
Said the foreigner, startled, "I '11 wait, say, a week,
And the power of Pluvius yet may be waning."
Weeks passed ; but no pleasure outdoors could he seek,
For still it was raining I
He waited and waited, with many a tear;
In fact, under shelter he still is remaining ;
And he fancies, I fear, that our climate is queer,
For it hasn't done raining I

CURT COMMENTS.
WHEN once the ball was set rolling at Alexandria, the bombardment
was suggestive of a game at billiards. Cannons were the order of the
day; pyramids were adjacent, and ultimately it was a case of shell-out.
At the time of going to press, the Egyptians were not anxious to Sey-
mour of the game.
Further arrests of Nihilists have taken place at St. Petersburg ; they
include, says the telegram, "several high personages and conspicuous
officials." Evidently they have made some tall captures and an odd-
looking lot of persons in power.
A prize of loo guineas was offered by the Royal Agricultural Society
for the best hay and corn drying apparatus. This is very appropriate,
for when the trials were to have taken place, the rain was so heavy the
operations could not be continued. This is very funny on the part of
Aquarius, but really we could do with a little dry humour for a change.
It is stated by Society that down in Cambridgeshire one gooseberry
merchant has given Cioo for ten tons of gooseberries. After this there
no need to ask where the iuice all the champagne comes from.

Force "-ible.
THE police recently held an Exhibition of pictures painted by them-
selves, and other articles of their own make, in aid of their Orphan Home
at Strawberry Hill. This showed a manly independence. Evidently the
Bobbies did not care to beat-roublesome as ap-peelers for subscriptions
to provide the orphans with the "staff" of life. The Force seems to be
"moving on; that is to say, progressing.

As the reports from the moors are favourable, no doubt great numbers
will soon rush off to pop away at the grouse. Well, the moor the
merrier.


Wimbledon Whimsicalities.
As if to make up for the drinking restrictions which have been placed
upon the camp this year, the rain has descended without stint, and thus
enabled the volunteers to indulge in heavy wet.
It is noteworthy, by-the-bye, that whatever may be said against some
of the proceedings under canvas, none of the marksmen are ever anxious
to raise the wind at Wimbledon, which is considerably creditable when
it is remembered that many are in the habit of running up a good score.
The edict setting forth that no Ethiopian serenaders are allowed to
perform in the camp unless authorized, is regarded by some as an ex-
ceedingly niggerd'y arrangement.
The question of position has this year occupied special official attention
with regard to standing or kneeling; but as the common will be wanted
next summer by the railway authorities, it will be necessary to consider
the position of the camp generally-that is, where it shall be held in
future.
The entries for the Queen's Prize and St. George's Vase are quite up
to the average, although Shakespeare did say, sneeringly, What's in
an aim ?" We are glad of this prosperity, as the Wimbledon Meeting
is to our thinking an aimiable weakness.

THE POPULAR PARLIAMENTARY GAME,-Cross "Questions" and
crooked answers.


THE HEIGHT OF LOWNESS.
'ARRY, ON HIS 52-INCH BICYCLE, ENJOYING A SHORT CLAY.


tJa To CORKESPONDENTS.-The Edito, does not bind himself to acknowledge, return or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.








30 FUN. JULY 19, 1882.


TEARS FROM THE HEART.
Mr. 7oggins.-" SO YOU BE STAYIN' AT BURNT MILL FARM, MISS. WELL, IT BE A MAIN PRETTY SPOT."
jMiss.-" Do MANY OF THE FARMERS TAKE IN LODGERS, MR. JOGGINS?"
Mr. yoggins.-" NOA, MISS; I DON'T THINK THEY DO. I HAVE ONCE OR TWICE, BUT THE LAST I TOOK, THE MISSUS SHE
CRIED FOR A WEEK AFTER THEY LEFT; SO NEVER AGAIN."
0Miss.-" AH, SO SORRY TO LOSE THEM?" Mr. J7ggffn.-" NOA I NOA THEY LEFT WITHOUT PAYIN', MISS."


Worsted in the Fray.
Miss ROSANNA DUPIN FRAY, who has been associated with legal
actions brought by the late Earl of Zetland, has summoned her landlord
for unduly distraining upon her goods and removing certain heirlooms.
The goods produced in Court consisted of empty preserved milk-tins,
broken plates, old horseshoes, and "other articles of equal value." The
distress was proved to be perfectly lawful and the defendant was acquitted,
the magistrate not believing that the man's "soul was in arms and eager
for the Fray" property. The story of heirlooms of that nature is better
fitted for the Marines-store-dealer. When the magistrate saw them
he was bound to say, Oh, rubbish!"

Bar One.
A LADY has just been admitted to the Bar of Massachusetts, but a
special statute had to be passed to enable her to practise. We admit
plenty of the fair sex to the "bar" in England. Some of the lawyers
in the States doubtless consider allowing a lady to enter the legal pro-
fession a bar-bar-ous proceeding. Still, one is not surprised to find the
bar-made feminine.


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Frederick Barnard."-Daily Pafer.
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BY THE AUTHOR OF "MATTIE GRAY."
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DICK BOULIN'S FOUR-IN-HAND.
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London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, July g9th, x882.









JULY 26, 1882. FUN. 31


TOO PARTICULAR.
I'M troubled greatly in my mind,
And sympathy I 'm needing;
So, reader, do not be unkind,
But weep as this you're reading.
I 've now a little time to spare,
And fain'would breathe the country air;
I 'd like at once to cut away,
To go and spend a happy day.
I thought of trying Greenwich Park,
But that is not sequestered ;
With revellers who drink and lark
I fear I should be pestered.
They tell me, too, that Cockney imps
Go there to feed on tea and shrimps I
At such a spot, I beg to say,
I could not spend a happy day.
To Battersea I 'd take a trip,
But there is no seclusion,
For children run about and skip,
Creating much confusion.
Now, Hampstead Heath has rural joys,
But, there one finds the demon Noise;
And "'Appy 'Ampton 's" far too gay
To furnish me a happy day.
Most places are besieged by folks
Of very vulgar notions,
Who shout and smoke, and crack their jokes,
Delighting in commotions.
Will anybody please suggest
Some spot for quietude and rest ?
Some spot where Cockneys never bray-
A place to spend a happy day ?
Yet, after all, why thus revile
The Cockney's jubilation ?
Why wander forth in hermit style,
A foe to recreation ?
Go, Bardlet (that's myself), take part
In pleasure with a joyous heart,
Cast cynical ideas away,
And then you '11 spend a happy day I

Compensation.
Rondel.
WE think exchanging kiss for kiss
An equitable compensation,
The total upshot being this,
On every possible occasion,
To make up for the loss of bliss,
From absence of the osculation,
We think exchanging kiss for kiss
An equitable compensation I
To be twice played a bar's marked bis
In common musical notation;
But double ratios we dismiss-
The infinite forms our equation;
We think exchanging kiss for kiss
An equitable compensation I

A recent Munn-day.
THE elderly lady, Mrs. Munn, who was asked
by Mr. Scott "a hundred times" to be his wife,
and was after all jilted, did not get the Munn-ey
she sought for in her breach of promise action.
The defendant, in fact, was let off Scott-free.

Messrs. Dove, Serpent, and Coo.
The "harmless dove" who is "wise as a
serpent" indulges very often in a "coo "-d'tat,


The Motto of the N. G. Trustees.
"Ars cellar Artem,"-In other words:
Conceal many of the nation's best pictures in
the cellars of the National Gallery.


HAD HIM THERE.
Rector (improving the occasion).-"I'M VERY SORRY, MRS. MAGUIRE, TO HEAR
THAT YOU LET YOUR TONGUE RUN SO FREELY IN THE VILLAGE, CAUSING ALL SORTS
OF SCANDAL. REMEMBER, 'EVEN A FOOL, WHEN HE HOLDETII HIS PEACE, IS COUNTED
WISE; AND HE THAT SHUTTETH HIS LIPS IS ESTEEMED A MAN OF UNDERSTANDING.' "
Mrs Maguire.-" RALLY, SIR, AS THAT THEER ALL GOES FUR THE MASKEWLINE
GENDER, I DON'T SEE THE APPLICATION ; BUT I DEW WONDER AS YOU AIN'T TOOK
THE HINT TO YERSELF, BEGIN' YOUR PARDIN' ALL THE SAME "


Musical.
IN the advertisements of the daily papers may be seen the following : -
I WILL SUFFER SILENTLY. In four keys."
The determination is most praiseworthy, but we don't think we could. Our idea would be to
be on the key vive, and when we got a chance, to disperse quietly.

AN APPROPRIATE PRODUCT OF THE "SILLY SEASON.-The Big-goose ".berry.


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. 898.


4,
-ireki









32 FUN. JUL26, 88.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HERE is a gentle
but determined
/ disregard of
0R L- nearly all that
/ goes to make a
drama attractive
in the English
Sand doubtless
in the original)
version of Gia-
cometti's Eliza-.
beth, which has
long given it a
wild and weird
interest it would
not otherwise
possess. The
playful liberties
taken with
history go for
little (for is it
not an historical
drama?), but the
DRURY LANE.-RATHER PARTIAL TO THE MARSHAL. peaceful absence
of anything like
a story, the quiet contempt of characterization, and the genial dead level
of dulness displayed by the entire dialogue, entitle it to take high rank
as a work of misapplied ingenuity.
Nothing can be finer than Madame
Ristori's performance of the Queen:
the power displayed at timesis mar-n
vellous, particularly in the last act,
which is a study not altogether with-
out its ghastly side, but most perfect,
and played with consummate art,
without a jarring note; but why,
even to see such grand displays of
genius, must one endure such weari-
ness of spirit? Is there a compen-
sating balance in these things ?

Second only to that of Madame
Ristori herself in interest comes the
performance of Mr. Harry Nicholls ;
the spectacle of this merry comedian
trying whatever he can" not to be
funny, is perhaps unequalled in the
whole history of grotesquerie; it is
worth going miles to see, not only
on account of its intrinsic humour,
but as a specimen of the inscrutable DRURY LANE.-A V
ways of cast.
For the rest, the performance is"nearly as dull as the dialogue (which
is simply cause
and effect). Mr.
Barnes is good
'I '- butnot great (it
Iiis better to be
R7 'T of,) good than
great); and Mr.
A Dacre is out of
his element, so
W~~i}s '' ; l |his Bacon is
E TW \ rather insipid.
.AUPIE THW Miss Sophie
l. Eyre is a very
HC't 1 "Kward, and Miss
Agnes Thomas
DrURYo rN.THIS makes a hit of
Marie Lam-
burn. She is
described as
formerly tire-
woman to Marie
Stuart," but she
is anything but
DRURY LANE.-THIS IS A CUT OF BACON-NO CONNECTION a tire-woman to
WITH MR. MORTINER'S GAMMON. the audience,
appearing be-
fore them for only a very short space of time in boy's clothes (a boy's


I


attire-woman), and after a few spirited speeches, returning to her
original profes-
sion and becom-
ing a retire-wo-
man for the rest a
of the evening.

Mr. Morti- Mrs eg ." i
mer's comedy,
entitled Gam-
mon, and pro-

Vaudeville on .
Thursday week,
is announced as
a translation
from La Poudre
aux Yeux. He -
has supplied
some good
quips and
cranks, "and the
comedy, with _.
some cutting in
the second and
last acts, ought DRURY LANE.-THE LADY SARAH HOWARD-HOW-'ARD HER
to go very well; LOT AND SARAH-FUL! So voUNG TOO, AND SOPHIE EYRE I
in fact, have a
run, if it is contemplated to give it the chance. The principal weight
fell upon Mrs. Leigh, Mrs. Sidney,
Mr. T. F. Young, and Mr. Mac-
lean, with one scene for Mr. Price;
and they all acquitted themselves
admirably-Mrs. Leigh particularly
so. Miss Lydia Cowell played a
familiar very familiar type of
slaveyy" noticeably well.

What may be called an ad interim
performance of Messrs. Solomon
and Stephens's Bllee Taylor, at the
Gaiety, pending the return of the
regular company, is well worth a
visit. Without entering into the
question of originality, it is a sus-
tainedly merry piece, in spite of the
straggling nature of the last act and
rather unsatisfactorily managed
1. =finish, and has a really good cast.
Mr. Arthur Williams repeats his
-- very droll performance of SirMincing
Lane, and Miss Annie Poole gives
OLENT RiSTORI-TIFF. a firm-Annie-Poole-ation of Phcebe
without a trace of Phcabe-le-ness.
Mr. W. Elton can scarcely be said to distinguish himself; but Christopher
Crab, as played
by Mr. J. J. ..AA..or
Dallas, is a dal- a
las-cious piece "
of rich humour, Q u .le "x
conveyed with H&T WEEK-
real art. Mr. E A P5C To PA E
A. Breedon 0,00o Fill AND
plays Billee T. LA
with much
sweetness as a
singer, but very
smalla-Billee-T
as an actor.

Mr. Harris's
autumn piece is
called Pluck,
a Story of
S0o,0ooo00. It is
this title that
has given rise to :
the rumour
that the modern
Harris-toffy- DRURY LANE.-A "STORY" OF 650,oco.
knees (so called
on account of his efforts in dramatic writing and the admirable fit of
his trousers) is determined to have a run of luck, NESTOR.








JULY 26, 1882, FU N. 33










































OODWOOD again remarked the battered Aunt Sally. "Yes," said
the lobster to the ancient dame ; as far as I can gather, it was some-
-where about the year 1802 that the Goodwood Meeting was first
started. Just one year after the Battle of Copenhagen, in the month
of April, you know-more than three years before Nelson fought the Battle of Trafalgar.
Ah Napoleon was well on the job then, but we had no French racers. If any one had
suggested at that period we might get a licking from a French horse, he'd have been
served just like- that milky-cocoanut man, who has just got one on the nob." "Blow
,, your Copenhagens and Nelsons I" broke in a champagne-bottle: his sparkling interior
being frothy, he hated verbosity in others. A sardonic smile curled over Aunt Sally's
Face as she gazed on the ephemeral lobster and flippant champagne-bottles. Ah I "
-Q- she sighed, "you're only repeating what you've heard. I can't date back to Nelson's
time, but I've been to a powerful number of races, as the bruisers on my face testerfies.
I've bin throwed at by bishops on the quiet, and royalty hisself onst 'ad a shy at me; but
I likes Goodwood better than the other races. Ony give me a corner in Chichester
I cloisters when I gets my final knock down, and I'll die 'appy." "Don't talk of dying
yet, Sarah," whispered the lobster; "the fun's just going to begin-this is the first
race." A blast of trumpets proclaimed the fall of the flag. It was a good race. There
is no flagging at Goodwood.
S"Dear me I" said Aunt Sally; "it is amusing to watch that erratic photographer
2 ^1 wildly give the wrong photos to his victims." Never mind," sententiously muttered
_S the lobster, they don't know the difference now, they '11 sort 'em out all right in the
morning; but look, Auntie, that policeman's caught a welsher." "Lucky welsher I"
"iiT SS\ .S replied Sarah; "good job it's the policeman and not the crowd what's cotched
him." "Why?" asked the champagne-bottles. "Doesn't he earn his living in an
honest way-like that nigger, who is chanting Come to your Martha' in such a charm-
Soing pathetic way? Don't be too severe," jerked in Aunt Sally suddenly ; "we lives
i- n a wale, it ain't so easy to git a living nowadays. We lives in a wale I All those
S- M.P.s on the stand theer won't bear strictest hinvestigations-there's as much hanky-
\ panky with them as with them three-card gents down below; but what worrits me to
see is as good a gal as ever walked bein' sent out as a decoy duck by her father, as
'queers the mugs' in racing, and forces the voucher,' and lives by his wits, sich as
they air, jist to tell young Lord Fitzfoodle what oss to put his money on. Pa'11 land
0 him I But it's a comfort to see the gal don't like the job. Ah I there's a lot o' bad
S- as well as good about these meetings ; but perhaps I gits a bit morbid at times: the
weather ain't what it used to was, and drip, drip, drip I if even you do git woke up
with an occasional whack on the 'ed, gits monotonous at times."









34 *FU TN JULY 26, x882.


"OH, THOSE BUTCHERS!"j
Young Housekeeper.-" I AM SORRY TO HAVE TO SAY, MR. GRAZER,
THAT YOUR MEAT HAS NOT BEEN GOOD LATELY."
Mr. Grazer.-" BEGIN' YOUR PARDING, MARM; BUT IF YOU WILL
CHOOSE THE JOINTS YOURSELF, AND TRUST TO YOUR AMATOOR INSTEAD
OF MY PERFESSIONAL JUDGMENT, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?"
Young Housekeeper.-" BUT THE WEIGHT IS ALWAYS LIGHT."
Mr. Grazer.-" DEAR ME, MARM DEAR ME I STILL YOU MUST BEAR
IN MIND THAT MY CHARGES AIN'T HEAVY."
[And she left, feeling quite small.


CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.

"MR. HEALY'S AMENDMENT."
MR. R. GUER. Most telling speech, Mr. O'Divvle's, in the House ;
made a deep impression when he described the bombardment of Alexan-
dria as a "blood-and-thunder batterment by bashing braggadocios," and
his allusion to the Premier as a "garrulous old gorilla" carried convic-
tion with it.
MR. D. BATER. Well, I don't think so. In fact, there's no doubt
that the sympathies of the House were with the Premier when he re-
torted with his "jingling jackanapes." It seems to me that Sir Stafford
Northcote's qualification of the Government policy in Egypt as a mixture
of grovellingg currishness and butcher-like bluster," and his description
of the Government as a "set of moon-eyed old maunderers" were ill-
timed-I don't say in bad taste exactly, but ill-timed.
MR. R. G. Well, at any rate there's no doubt that it assisted in de-
ciding the Government to issue their Note to the Porte and the Powers
to the effect that "they aren't going to be civil any longer to such a
puddling old ass as the Sultan, and that if the other meddling idiots of
Powers didn't keep their blessed fingers out of our pie, we'd jolly
soon- "
MR. D. B. Ah I talking of that, did you notice Dufferin's very forcible
remark to the representatives of the Powers as to his not wanting any
of their cheek," and his half-concealed sneer about "lunatics and smug-
faced humbugs ? I thought it was singularly to the point.
MR. R. G. It certainly was a most wise step that the House took in
sanctioning Mr. Healy's amendments to the pulingly polite parliamentary
parlance that used to be in vogue. It has decidedly facilitated the ex-


To Marian from General Mite.
You, my maid Marian, greatest of your kind,
Beating most others in the way of height-
In sporting phrase-by nearly half a length,
Whom when the people gaze upon, they say,
With wide-mouthed wonder, How is that for high ? "
You whose fair presence is magnificent-
I only know your absence, which is not-
You are a woman with some weight about you,
You are a woman with extended views,
And I, a person of some nine pounds odd, adore you.
'T is true I 'm only eighteen inches high,
While you attain nigh half that sum in feet;
Still I adore you, for, of consequence,
You must be, love, large-hearted.
You are my goddess. There are many maids
I could look up to, none set up like thee.
Return my passion-hardly in the way
MSS. are returned, "Declined with thanks."
Reciprocate it, dearest; do not deem
That my ambition soars a bit too high;
But hold me up (you can) as your ideal;
Wed me, and think what houses we shall draw
Throughout the world, when agent in advance"
Can advertise, in gaudy-lettered bills,
The Mightiest Anomaly E'er Known
Is Coming upon such and such a day,-
Namely, A GIANT AND A DWARF IN ONE I"
Marian, in your own interest, become
My-well-considerably better half.
Woman must have a master, but she likes
One as less masterful as she can get:
Take me.

Bravo, Rugby !
THa railway employes of Rugby have done a generous
thing in presenting a young married man, named Farland,
with a hand-tricycle and thirty sovereigns. This unfortunate
young fellow, who is a fireman, met with a terrible accident
about a year ago, losing both his legs, and breaking his jaw
and one arm. The railway company found him work to do
as a clerk, and presented him with mechanical limbs, but 30
in hard cash is the right way to put a man on his legs. Those
Rugby railway men must be sterling fellows.

Don't we Love 'em !"
OUR Special Justice of the Peace has been heard to say,
"I am most careful; I am never either partial or impartial
on the bench." Judging from the country magistrates' fre-
quent judicial jocularities, our Special J.P. ought to be
knighted (just to encourage the others, you know).


pression of opinion, and accelerated business to a marvellous degree.
And now that it is to be carried into the diplomatic department as well,
why-well, it '11 jolly soon put an end to the body-snatching indecision
and the gutter garbage-like rashness of this blessed Government you 're
so mad on-
MR. D. B. What? You're an old *
MR. R. G. As for you-vou're a dried-up *
(As the speakers are too free in their language for even Parliament to
sanction, we prefer to represent their remarks by stars.)

Quite Swell-tering.
THE high-flown Healy recently called Mr. Mitchell Henry a swell,
which was regarded by the latter as an offensive epithet. It was certainly
quite as (s)well that Mr. Henry protested, for such a remark is not always
as (s)well-come as the H. F. H. might think. An evening contempo-
rary says. Henceforth it will be the rule in the House to call a spade
a spade." Perhaps so; but will the "spade" language be allowed in
"clubs" ? or will the members dis-card and "pack" off any one uttering
such remarks? If they should wish to eject a "spade" talker,-a shove'll
do it.

A Matter of Course.
WHAT "cup course would be most likely to prominently bring out
the shortcomings of a bad horse ?-Why, the Good-would," of course.

The reports about the crops continue to be most discouraging, the
want of warmth being so serious that the gravest fears are entertained ;
in fact, it is generally believed that this season we shall come a crop-per.































TAMING THE CROCODILE.
(See Cartoon.)
OF all the beasts and all the fish
That naturalists name,
There are not any one would wish
To be obliged to tame
Less than the scaly Crocodile,
Who has his lodgings in the Nile.
A specially uncanny thing
He always seems to be,
A pet you'd scarcely like to bring
To have a cup of tea;
His skin it is so very thick,
His tongue could give so big a lick!
Some people think that such a one
Should not be tamed at all,
If that is only to be done
By powder and by ball;
Yet that we fear's the only way
To make such animals obey.
We've tried persuasive words n vain,
Or gentle kicks, and thus
We must apply more cogent pain
To quell this awful cuss;
'T is evident the milder style
Don't scare the scaly Crocodile.


I






I.


5, i882.


(. y)'


(\


7


\\


V


TAMING Ti


CROCODILE.


II


FUN'j


6, I882.


I A/
























PARLIAMENTARY MEMS.
THE bombardment of Alexandria appears to have had a kind of
double-barrelled effect, for it not only drove the Egyptian troops out of
the forts, but it also drove Mr. John Bright out of office. That Right
Honourable gentleman has always suffered from a constitutional dread
of the noise of a gun ; and it was therefore only natural that, rather than
be responsible for any further discharges of artillery, he should prefer to
discharge himself, which he did by his resignation. He explained the
matter by declaring that, in his opinion, the moral law was meant as
much for nations as for individuals; that is to say, having entertained
from his earliest childhood a strong objection to being whipped, he
cannot see why anybody else should be whipped either. Mr. Gladstone
quite agrees with his theory as to the moral law, but applies it in a
different manner : he thinks that naughty boys ought to be whipped in
moderation if they deserve it. That is the distinction, with a difference.
The rumpus in Egypt being still the most interesting topic for the
moment, of course the representatives of our Treasury, Foreign Office,
War Office, and Admiralty have daily to submit to cross-examination.
Some of the questions put are reasonable enough; but others are of a
sort such as the askers must well know cannot 'be, or ought not to be,
answered. It is not easy to perceive where the pleasure is in putting
questions which will certainly get no answers ; and it would be quite as
sensible were Ministers to give rise in their places and make pointed
replies to Members who had never opened their lips.
The leaders of the Opposition refrain from moving a vote of censure
on the Goverment's Eastern policy until fuller information is in their
possession. Not so, however, the gallant Fourth Party, who are itching
to rush in where more responsible angels fear to tread. This combative
little brotherhood has been strengthened by the return of Lord Randolph,
who was Church-ill, but who may now be said to be Church-well.
Although the Commons have not been able to wipe off all their arrears,
they have wiped off one of them-Bill of that ilk, and we hope the House
of Lords will like him.
The Electric Lighting Bill has been passed through Committee with-
out amendment, which is more than can be truthfully stated of the
Electric Light itself, for that appears to acquire a new system about
once a week.
Some ladies (real or presumed) lately insisted on remaining behind the
screen in the Ladies' Gallery, notwithstanding that they were warned an
unsavoury subject was about to be discussed. This fact affords a strong
argument in favour of those who think the screen of that gallery ought
to be removed. If any ladies really have a liking for nasty details and
persist in gratifying it, at least let us be able to see who they are.
There has been a conversation in the House of Lords about the
Euphrates Valley Railway scheme, the upshot of which seemed to be
that, while there was plenty of Euphrates in the scheme, there wasn't
so much of valley-" value" we would say, only then our little joke
might be invisible.
Lord Mar tried to get the Peers to insist upon their amendments to
the London Riverside Fish Market Bill, which had been disagreed to by
the Commons; but their Lordships were kind to the Bill-they refused
to mend or mar it.









JULY 26, 1882. -FU N 39


DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.
NEw SERIES. NO. 4.-A TIMID-DITTY.
AIR-From "Patience."
WHEN we go out of door,
Or scan the papers o'er,
We're all of a tremble,
And cannot dissemble,
We're horrified to the core.
For, if the truth they tell,
The Clapham milk's a,sell;
The Salvation Army
Is getting alarm-y-
What wonder we feel unwell?
A shivery-shake young man,
A quivery-quake young man,
A dreadfully fluttery,
Stammery, stuttery,
Where we shall we hide? young m n.


We hear the shot and shell,
The powder almost smell,
And soldiers are march,
And Rodocanache
Can do an insurance well!
Then Bright's resigned-by gum !-
Drake's Tercentenary's come,
And nature all borrers
Its hue from these horrors,
And strikes us extremely dumb.
A limp at the knee young man,
A pale as can be young man,
A quick alarm-gethery,
Jolly white feathery,
Sink in our shoes young man.


Gossip for Goodwood.
THE SOLENT will not be the sole-ent-ry.
The Stewards' Cup is not a nautical vessel.
Runners in the Craven Stakes are not cowardly, though cravin' for
fame and fortune.
The Drawing-Room Stakes are not run for indoors; neither will the
"Match ignite only on the judge's box.
The winners of the Maiden Stakes have often maiden name for them-
selves.
The "Birdless Grove," near Goodwood, is not a bird'un-to the
visitor.
The ladies on the Lawn are seldom "lone, lawn creatures."
The Corinthian Plate does not contain Greece.
The Selling Stakes are not necessarily swindling ones; neither
are the Nursery Stakes competed for by children. -
Those who are fond of animals of the burrowing kind may if they
choose see the Mole-comb.
Motto for losers over the Ham Stakes.-" What can't be cured," &c,
Society, remember, always goes to glorious Goodwood, although de-
tractors have always averred no good wood come of it.

THE NEW GERMAN TOBACCO STOPPER.-The Reichstag.


THESE BEFORE ALL.


OH fie on thoughtless folks who will
Uphold the Shadwell Market Bill,
And so engender irritation
Among the City Corporation I
It goes beyond the brain of man
To understand how people can
Become the cause of such vexation
To all the City Corporation I
The misdemeanant who suggests
Intrusion on their interests
Becomes a theme of execration
By all the City Corporation.
The interests of one and all,
Of rich and poor, of great and small,
Should gladly court annihilation
To please the City Corporation.
And when that worthy body wish
All London to abstain from fish,
The slightest show of hesitation
Must shock the City Corporation.
The whole of London should delight
To positively starve outright,
Supposing such self-abnegation
To suit the City Corporation.
Suppose they fancy, by-and-bye,
To wholly stop the food supply,
We should receive with acclamation
This verdict of the Corporation.
Of what-we ask it with a sneer-
Of what importance are a mere
Four millions odd of population
Beside the City Corporation ?
Why, lor I in order to prevent
Their losing any market-rent,
We ought to sacrifice the nation-
To please the City Corporation.

How Mutch?
DR. MUTCH has just been awarded 4,5oo for serious injuries sus-
tained by his wife in a railway collision. It is a large sum, but perhaps
under the circumstances hardly too Mutch.

Play !-upon Names.
IN the Eton and Harrow match a Mr. Spiro played; as he made
himself heard, the motto Dun Spiro" would hardly be fitted for
him. There was also one named Greatorex. If "x represents an un-
known quantity," what quantity of runs should a greater "x" repre-
sent ? Among the Etonians A. H. Studd studd-ied to succeed, and
Cave did not cave in.









FUN.


" Oh, William, William, I did not expect it
of thee."


"Verily, this is too much; I will retire,


THE CONSUMER'S SCHOOLING.


THE weather behaved in the choicest way;
The Simple Consumer in town was gay;
Such favouring traits as are seldom known,
Distinguished the weather when seed was sown.
The season arrived to secure the hay;
The Simple Consumer continued gay,
For the rain kept off and the sun was hot,
And they very successfully stacked the lot.
The Simple Consumer he smiled and said,
" My horse and my ass will be cheaply fed,
For, owing to such a successful crop,
The price of the fodder will surely drop."
The Simple Consumer, with joy replete,
Regarded the splendidly thriving wheat,
For weather, now rainy, now bright and clear,
Encouraged, and fattened, and browned the ear.
The Simple Consumer he smiled and said,
" There will be a fall in the price of bread 1
In view of the saving in cost, I think
I'll chance the expense and afford a drink."
The tariff was lowered, per rail, for coals;
The meat from America came in shoals;
"Which means," the Consumer remarked, "a flood
Of both the commodities cheap as mud I"
The City Obstructionists failed to kill
Or injure the Riverside Market Bill;
The Simple Consumer remarked, How nice !
This savours of fish at a fairer price !"
In short, it would give you your work to do
To find a more prosperous year right through


And join Forster and Argyll in their peaceful
seclusion."

The Simple Consumer he was so glad-
IHe 'd visions of saving a pound, he had !
The Simple Consumer maintained his grin
Of jubilant joy; and his bills came in ;
And there wasn't a measure about the place
Could measure that Simple Consumer's face !

The weather was mad. From the first of Jan.
It worked on a wholly inverted plan;
When rain was the article most in need,
Then drought was in fashion, and killed the seed.


When harvest approached and the time for sun,
It poured for a couple of months like fun;
There wasn't a root nor an ear of grain;
But the Simple Consumer appeared insane-
He grinned in a way that would ill beseem;
And the state of the crops was his constant theme;
Whenever he talked of the earless lands
He inwardly chuckled and rubbed his hands.
The miners idled, with strikes in store;
No meat from America reached our shore;
But the Simple Consumer appeared so glad
That innocents fancied he must be mad.
The hurricanes raged in the seas about,
And none of the fishing-boats dared go out;
And-the common result of the storm-god's freaks-
There wasn't a fish to be caught for weeks.
Then skipped the Consumer like lambs at play,
As he thought of the market down Shadwell way;
As he thought of the newly completed "Ring"
That would render that market a useless thing.
And said the Consumer, with inward cheer,
" Poor trade will get less of a pull' this year :"
But, bless us I you know, when his bills came in,
That Simple Consumer he ceased to grin!
*
And now, having learned in the finest school,
However commodities chance to rool-
Come dearth at its deepest, come vast supplies-
That knowing Consumer he only sighs.


Servia Right.
THE Servians intend improving their armaments, and adding 126,ooo
men to their regular army, defraying the cost out of the salt monopoly.
This is a clear case of making a-salt pay for battery.


ONE of those hard-hearted stony parties, the Seer of Chelsea, or
somebody else, wrote : The most delicate attention is inattention when
a man is talking nonsense, or a woman is talking at all." We agree
with this sentiment in the main, but "an Irish Member might be sub-
stituted for "a woman with advantage, we think.








JoLY 26, 1882, FUN. 41

A STRANGE INFLUENCE.
We don't know whether you have ever remarked the weird influence that a stick exercises over a solitary man who walks far in its company. The stick may be
positively hideous-a cruel, hateful, evil-minded stick-but it surely inspires him with a fatal and insane love for, and pride in, itself; and once its influence is
established over himbut he is a lost man, and wholly under its thumb.




















We knew an awfully nice fellow, without a spark of pride or prejudice; he didn't care a bit about sticks. He was going on a walking tour. Stick.feller got hold






















He hadn t walked fifty miles when e sat down, sir, and nursed that stock. I d like to meet the fellow who says his stick beats mine, he said threateningly





















We will not dwell on it. The last time we met that party, he looked at our hands, and his smile of contemptuous pity was simply beastly. "You do t mean
to say you fellows don't carry a STICK? he said.
i T To CORRESPONDENTS.-Tf t Edit,. dou me t bind him.selr to acknowledge, reiutn, or f ayh fo Contribtions. In no case b will they be returned unless
accomn#asded by a stam.Spd and di-ected envelope.









42 FUN.


AT HOME AND ABROAD.
First Fisherman.-" WHAT D' YER THINK 0' THIS 'ERE EGYPTIAN CRISIS ? "
Second Fisherman (with his quiver full).-" OH, I DON'T TROUBLE MY 'ED ABOUT NO
EGYPTIAN CRISIS; THE KIDS' CRIES IS ENOUGH FOR ME."


"Soothe your weary Brain with
it, if you are Wise."
THE time for final tears and caresses had
come; her arms were closely entwined round
her dear Algy's neck, and her dark fond eyes
gazed dimly as they turned upwards towards
the young soldier's face-a handsome stalwart
fellow, though somewhat bald. "Ah !" sighed
Florence, "it will not be long before you have
a smart brush with the enemy, Algy." "It
will not be long, indeed," returned the young
warrior, and a wild gleam of joy spread over
his bronzed features as he suddenly produced
one of Dr. Scott's military electric hair brushes
for curing baldness. Ha, ha l" he laughed,
"I shall have flowing locks by the time I come
back, Flo. Dry your tears, my ownest own;
for when I called in at 21 Holborn Viaduct
this morning I thought of your neuralgia, and
I bought one of Scott's electric brushes with
a handle for you; it will cure the wretched
pain in five minutes. You will find it on the
dressing-table." Her heart was almost too
full to speak. "I am so happy !" she dreamily
murmured (she had quite forgotten he was
going away to Egypt).

A Stop I
A CAT was lately discovered in a church
organ at Sheffield. Well, there was nothing
strange in that. The feline race were always
partial to mew-sic.

A NEW POLITICAL READING OF AN OLD
PROVERB.-Don't "Cowen-t your votes be-
fore the Member for Newcastle has gone into
the lobby.


TURF CUTTINGS.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
The Cave, Wednesaay week.
SIR,-I suppose there is no other prophet extant who would not have
jubilated loud and long over such a success as the one achieved by your
Old Man over the Liverpool Cup-if another prophet capable of making
such a success exists, which I much misdoubt-but custom dulls the
edge of triumph, and the Prophet very often doesn't ever take trouble of
looking to see if his selection has accomplished its destiny, so certain is
he of always being right. Many a time and oft he is accused of misti-
ness in his vaticinations, but when a tip says against t them all there's
Ishmael," and Ishmael wins, surely there are few will dispute the accu-
racy, clearness, or success of that tip. So the Old Man "goes up one,"
and presents you with his
TIP FOR THE GoODWOOD STAKES.
Though drainage be doubtful (but bravely defended),
Though typhoid, my Brighton, around thee may be
(To say that they are so is nowise intended),
They never shall keep me, my Goodwood, from thee.
I'll hail me a cabby, as blithe as a cricket
(I've compassed the rhino by various fakes),
I'll hie to the Brighton," and purchase a ticket;
Then hey I for the downs and some bets on the Stakes!
I'll take me Fernandez, and back him with pleasure,
I'll back me Brown Bess (and I'll never repent) ;


But though on Berzencze I 'll lay out some treasure,
I 'll back Petronel to a frightful extent.
Ah, and pull in something respectable in the effort, don't you make
any mistake! But I've only just time, before I call that cab, to put you
in a
TIP FOR THE CUP.
This is a thing appears to me
To be as plain as plain can be:
When one on foot
Begins to put
The numbers up
Anent the Cup,
Why, then, I think that you'll agree,
That "we shall see what we shall seel"
We 'll see that horses strong and fleet
Have found that Tristan's hard to beat;
But still, though Le-
Onora may,
By fate accurst,
Be brought in first,
From Foxhall's chance I 'll not retreat-
I'll back him madly, I repeat.
And when I've got the money, I 'm going to buy myself a nice villa,
and furnish it with those lovely things you see advertised on the back of
the Pictorial World and elsewhere, and put all sorts of pots about on
little shelves (mostly the pots I've made over various races), and all that
sort of thing. Meantime, I am, yours, etc., TROPHONIUS.


.A H Possesses the full medicional properties of .... ORA
o or and unpleasant taste, a result never I
A. H efore attained. ONTSERRAT
'It is taken both by children and adults For Cutlets, Chops, CurriesJUICE
TASTELESS" without the slightest difficulty. It po; For Cutlets, Chops, Curries,
secs all the advantages claimed for it.' Steaks, Fish, Game, Soups, Gravies
-LTR- t, March 4, u882. enr appetising charm to th
The A. & H. Castor Oil is an entirely plainest and daintiest of dishes.
newo article, and if not in s stock can be S E
readily procured by any Chemist. In
I m Bottles at 6d., s., is. 9d., 3s., and 9s. nr'ivalled for Pugency, Fine Flavour, Strength, and
SOLE MANUFACTURERS, Cheapness. The usual 2s. size bottle for 1s. Sold byall Grooers,
NL "ALLEN & HANBURYS, O IDrugi, &e.
OIL AL LONDON. & HNUS"THE CLIMAX OF PERFECTION."


JULY 26, 1882.








AUGUST 2, 1882. FU N T. 43


BUY GUM.
Crossing-Sweeper (to Tomkins, whose seat is not as graceful as it might be).-" HERE YOU ARE, SIR I STICK-FAST GUM, ONLY ONE
PENNY THE BOTTLE."


OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND THE ENTERPRISING
DRAPER.
A SEASONABLE APOLOGUE.
WANDERING about the West-end at the close of last season, Sir, I
came upon a crowd in front of a big corner shop, which I had long
known as devoted to the sale of first-class drapery. But the previous
week, as I had been warned by a circular, its proprietors, finding most
of their customers had left them, and that it did not pay them to keep
down the shutters, had put them up, announcing their intention to re-
open with better goods than ever next season. I was surprised, there-
fore, to find signs of bustle and excitement at the emporium in question,
and could not refrain from asking what it was all about. Oh," said a
man who clearly knew everything, it's Mr. Jones, who has come up
from Stoke-Pogis with his stock, and means to open the shop to-morrow."
"Mr. Jones from Stoke-Pogis ?" I exclaimed; "why, what can he
expect to do when even the eminent Smith and Co. have had to put up
their shutters for the time ? "
"Oh, Jones means business, he does I was the reply; "he's got a
precious lot of inferior stock he wants to clear out, and so he's taken
this shop for a term to get rid of it."
I could not at all understand Jones's little game.
However, I passed on, and thought no more of the matter till I
chanced to be in the neighbourhood again two days later, when I was
stopped almost by force by an irrepressible individual who, as it turned
out, was an emissary of the enterprising Jones.
Do please step inside said this rude myrmidon.
And pray why ?" I queried. What inducement do you offer me
to enter ? "
Look here, now," said the emissary, taking me aside, it's such a
splendid stock the governor has inside, that if you 'll only go in he'll
give you a nice parcel of assorted goods, say a short length of some light
stuff, and five yards of something heavier, and a nice piece of French
material for nothing.-Yes, I 'm not sure he wouldn't give you a glass
of wine for your trouble in taking it away."
Well, well," thought I, "this is indeed a curious way of doing


business," and so I resolved to go in and see what was going on just for
the fun of the thing.
Once inside the shop, I found the enterprising Jones, and a number
of rather clumsy and yokel-like assistants, engaged in packing up parcels
and handing them to ladies and gentlemen, who showed no sign of pay-
ing any money.
Seeing a fresh face, Mr. Jones came up to me, and I told him I had
come in to see what kind of stuff he was giving away.
Quite so," he returned affably; if you will kindly give that young
man sixpence for the string for your parcel, and a shilling for the list of
the goods I am about to present to you for nothing, I will make you up
your package."
Stay I" said I. "I 'm not at all sure that what you propose to give
me is worth even the sixpence you ask for the string. I won't be in any
hurry, thanks."
Seeing I was resolute, Jones did not press the payment of the one and
sixpence; but was about to leave me, when I said, Come now, Jones,
tell me seriously how this game pays you. You take this place and pay
heavy rent, and for what? To give away your goods, it seems."
You forget the string," said Jones, with a wink.
"Oh, that can't pay you enough to make it worth your while," said I.
But see," Jones went on, pointing to a distant counter, "there are
some people who really pay for what they have."
"Then why not stick to them ?" I asked. "And why encourage
non-paying people as you do ? "
Why, it 's just this," Jones replied, confidentially : "I bring in all
the non-paying people just to fill my shop and please my assistants.
They can't serve the people who have money to spend half as well when
the shop is almost empty-or so, at least, they say."
What nonsense I" I returned, and soon after as Jones was called away
to pack up some more of the gratis parcels, I left the shop, still won-
dering as much as ever what Jones could be really driving at.
As, however, I saw his name in the Gazette a week later, Sir, I suppose
he was driving at the Bankruptcy Court, Portugal Street, Lincoln's Inn
Fields,
MORAL.-Theatrical organs circulating in the provinces, please copy.


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. 899.









44 F JN AUGUST 2, 1882.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
URING the ab-
sence of Mr.
Toole, Mr. and
(r Mrs. Billington
-- are giving a taste
Sof their quality at
"the little thea-
tre in King Wil-
liam Street in a
-f revival of Mr.
Paul Meritt's
Rough and
Ready. Mr.
Billington's per-
formance of
Frank Musgrave,
the "rough and
ready" York-
] shireman, is one
of his very best;
while Mrs. Bil.-
lington always
gives an interest
TOOLE'S.-RuFF AND REDDY. to anything she
touches, and the
nert of Mrs. Valentine offers her many onportunities. of which she is


superiority of Mr. Walter Fisher's Rev. Henry Sandford is delightful
to witness, and
his good singing
very welcome. |' i !
Miss Lizzie i J,
Beaumont pre-
sents that unfor-
tunately not un- ,
usual combina-
tion-a very ex-
cellent singer
and a very in-
different actress.
But by far the
most taking '
thing in the
opera is the
bright abandon-
ment and capi-
tal singing of a
chorus of chil-
dren (whose
clear enuncia-
tion might serve
as a very,/ex-
cellent lesson to THE ADELPHI.- DAUGHTER AND DOTER.
some of their
elders


not slow to avail herself. An opportunity of again witnessing Mr. Booth's fine
Impersonation of Bertuccio in The Fool's Revenge is now
The Vicar of Bray at the Globe has two faults : the afforded at the Adelphi A great impersonation it un-
story is so slight and the general outline of its course so doubtedly is, and, although I can't help thinking Mr.
obvious at so early a stage as to almost destroy atten- Booth on occasion sacrifices naturalness to theatrical
tion to it, and so much of it is told by choruses liberally \ effect, it is just a question what is natural to such a cha-
endowed by the singers with indistinctness that much ) \ racter ; the intensity of his thirst for revenge and his
time is occupied in wondering how the blanks thus ..' love for his daughter are powerfully expressed, and no-
made should be filled up. Apart from this, however, \ thing could be finer than the actor's expression of sup-
unstinted praise is due to author, composer, and most .I pressed anxiety, and excitement, and forced hysterical
of the exponents. Mr. Grundy is the first of Mr. Gil- i ', hilarity when learning that it is his daughter he has
bert's followers who has shown any true appreciation of assisted to decoy, and begs to be let into the room.
-or, at any rate, any power of coping with-the neces- [ a,, t ---b
cities of this modern form of comic opera; there is not \ : Mr. Eben. Plympton's Dell'Aquila is a performance
a waste word in his pointed dialogue, and his verses are of very distinguished merit, the poetic aspect of the
truly "felicitously turned." The idea of the curate taken character is most subtly indicated, and his chivalrous
on a "repairing lease," and of the ladies of the ballet bearing, tenderness, and suggestion of repressed emotion
inviting the clergy to tea and buns and an address, are in the love scene in the second act stamp him as pos-
just in the right whimsical vein. sessed of the true afflatus. Miss Bella Pateman's Fior-
S delisa, without being a grand dramatic triumph, displays
Mr. Solomon's music, though not without the sus- all the attractiveness and character which might be ex-
picion of a familiar strain or two, is as good as anything THE ADELPHI.-A YOUTH OF pected at that lady's hands. I suppose the Duke of
he has done (and he has done some good work); tuneful, CHOLER. Faenza is to be excused his uncertainty with regard to
and'not by any means lacking in bright qualities; but it the letter H on account of his Italian birth, but nothing
is just a question whether there isn't too much of it for a piece which but an irrepressible sense of humour can account for Brigita's calling
is unusually short. her admirer a "sinner' as an equivalent for Mr." There is also a
resentful young man, with a stick-up collar to his cloak. His Well,-
I believe Mr. W. J. Hill was born to be a Vicar-if appearances go don't-you-do-it-again I expression is really very excusable, for he is ob-
for anything, it structed and an-
is certainly so, noyed every I
and he has time he appears.
,- hitherto missed F i r s t he
S-his vocation. Duchess won't .
dy a c He is just the let him take the l f'
genial, jolly, wine "to the
good-humoured banquet" until
parson I should she has poisoned ..r-
like to "sit un- it, then Ber- /.-
der"- meta- tuccio badgers "
-phorically him frightfully
speaking, of when he is -r--i
course; physi- guarding the
cally, the posi- door, and won't
tion might be even let the au-
undesirable--his dience hear his
quiet fun is resentful re-
simply irresist- marks, finally -
ible. Mr. W. kicking over an
S S. Penley's empty wine gob-
"confidential let he is carry-
family solici- ing to the Duke.
tor" (with avery There are other
THE GLOBS.-A RATHER BROAD CHURCHMAN. fl 0 u ri sh i ng humours, but THE ADELPHi-THE FATAL RESULT OF GREED.
practice) is as isn't "starring
dry as parchment and pounce, but comical withal; and the conscious in the bills" a rather obsolete form of merriment ? NESTOR.








AUGUST 2, 1882.


FUN. 4


THE WAR.


The Commander-in-Chief would go himself, by MIajor-General the Duke of Connaught resolves to The Duke of Edinburgh would lead everybody to
George, sir but the weather has been so very un- conquer or to die. victory, but he has got such a bad cold. He thinks he
settled lately, that really- caught it from his ducking when he was in "foreign
parts" the other day.


THE BELLIGERENT.


HE was a London Arab; and it up and came to pass
That, being very mischievous, he smashed a pane of glass :
Then muttered he affrightedly, "The betting's ten to one
They '11 put me into prison for the mischief that I've done I
It looked a little nasty for that dirty little rough,
For certainly a constable had got him by the cuff;
But then the British Lion said, Policeman, let him go ;
For I think he has the makings of a tolerable foe."
Sing hey I the British Lion, and he loves to look around
For a chance to make a mountain of a dirty little mound ;
When he's caught an evil-doer and could crush him with a blow,
He never likes to do it, but prefers to let him grow.
So up that London Arab grew; and in a little time,
Instead of smashing windows, he applied himself to crime ;
And when his misdemeanours he reflectively reviewed,
He thought, "They 'll shortly send me into penal servitude!"
But when the British Lion had his paw upon the pest
His customary chivalry arose within his breast ; -
He said, I won't dismember him because he 's such a mite;
I '11 wait a little longer till he's big enough to fight."
Sing ho I the British Lion, and he harbours in his brains
A chronic wish to give himself an awful lot of pains ;
He wastes his opportunities and puts 'em on the shelf,
A-laying up infinities of trouble for himself I


So then the London Arab, growing bolder in his tone,
Contrived a small conspiracy to overturn the throne,
And when seditious bantering was found of no avail
He set himself a-twisting of the British Lion's tail.
The Lion most politely, having weighed the pro and con,
Applied himself to deprecate that way of going on,
And, keeping all his talons most effectively concealed,
Suggested arbitration, and dissuaded, and appealed !
Sing yah I the British Lion, and he never is content
With salutary remedies and measures that prevent;
He never nips a difficult position in the bud,
But waits till it necessitates expenditure of blood.

The Arab stuck a needle in the Lion's foolish tail,
And carried operations to a much extended scale ;
He ordered ammunition, and accoutrements, and guns,
The which were manufactured by the Lion's faithful sons;
He made a proclamation; and the document it said
That the Lion was a rebel with a price upon his head;
And the Lion, if you '11 credit it, he actually went
And recognized the Arab as a true beilligerent /
Sing pshaw I the British Lion, he would have it understood
That he's always very humble, and humility is good;
When opposed by any vermin, this unutterable dunce
P4ill put him on a footing of equality at once !

Then he drew a cheque for millions-and you ask "whatever for ?"-
In the name of all that's laughable, to carry on a war;
And after many months of it he just contrived to worst
The dirty little rebel that he might have crushed at first.
Then said the noble animal, of chivalry the flower,
I 'll treat this dirty rebel like a proper foreign power,"
And offered, for defeating him, apologies in tuns,
And shook his hand respectfully, and gave him back his guns.
Sing pooh the British Lion, and he's always so polite,
He's just the sort of party that we much prefer to fight;
He gives the term "belligerent "-it passes all belief I-
To any kind of dirty and disreputable thief.


A Try."
ACCORDING to the "Country Sportsman" of a daily paper "foot-
ballers are preparing for the fray." It is a risky game, but evidently these
players are not a-fray-ed. Were one to suggest such a thing they would
probably only reply, Goal-ong I 't is but a 'Try '-fle."

Fly.
SOME one writing to an evening paper says there is a woman, wear-
ing a badge, driving one of the "flys" down Epping Forest way. He
was sure she was on a fly-because he "spied her."








46 FUN. AUGUST 2, I882.

LODGINGS.-z. HEIRLOOM FURNITURE.


it,'I9 1 1


MiRS. Cmrv's furniture and ornaments were all heirlooms-that is to say, they were all "imperfect." There were glass mantel-vases that had cost at least five-
pence the pair in the dim and unchipped past; and the straw itself in the sofa had cost, at the lowest, the price of its carriage. The vital question was: whether to
realize their value, after the Hamilton Collection fashion; or, waiving that, how best to ensure their future preservation. Mr. Sheeney being called in, decided
that he "didn't care to undertake the responsibility of buying 'em-unless a matter of half a crown-" So it was decided to let them.


",You see, sir," said Mrs. C. "it's not that there's any necessity for me to let lodgings; but I fancy as it's the only way to secure the safety of the heirlooms.
So if you'll please be very careful," etc.
J "!,'" .U &-- -


",If you please, sir," said the slavey next day, missus is very sorry, but she thinks as you knocks the heirlooms about too much, so she's cleared heverythink
hout, and dessay you won't miss 'um, and she 've let 'urn to a gentleman upstairss"







F1JN.-AUGUST 2, 1882.


AMr. Bztl.-"HOW D'YE DO,


VERY BUSY.
CETEWAYO; DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU; BUT REALLY I'M SO VERY MUCH
ENGAGED AT PRESENT."
































VERY BUSY
A DUET IN BLACK AND WHITE.
(See Cartoon.)
C. How de do, sah? Hope you're well, sah ?
Poor old nigger's turn at last;
Didn't like de big sea-swell, sah,
Nebber mind, sah, dat is past;
Want to go back to my nation
Wid some dollars in my hat,
Glad to get your invitation.
Golly Won't we hab a chat!
B. Ah! but I'm so very busy,
What with Egypt and the Turk,
Why, my head is growing dizzy
From this awful press of work :
Telegrams or long despatches
To be sent to ev'ry clime,
Troops and stores shipped oft in batches,-
Can't you call another time ?
C. Crikey, massa but I 'm thinking
What de folk at home will say ?
B. Facts, my friend, it's useless blinking,
And my hands are full to-day.
BOTH. We can't always have our pleasures,
For we've learned, to our regret,
How that military measures
Nice arrangements may upset.









AUGUST 2, 1882. FUN 49


DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT,
Naw SERIES. No. 5.-A PRO-FUN-DITTY
AIR-From The Vicar of Bray."
1, FOR those who would know what
is doing,
And those who would know what
is done,
One course there exists for pursu-
ing-
One only-perusal of FUN.
For FUN has the scent of a beagle
For running a topic to ground,
And FUN has the eye of an eagle
Which keeps on a-glancing
around.
So keep your eyes well on each
"par,"
And notice each verse that you

And you'll be not only as wise as
you are,
But as wise as you ought to be.
ALL. 'Tis not an ambition to mar,
As every one will agree,
To pose as not only as wise
I as you are,
But as wise as you ought
to be.
And if you will read with attention,
And neither too slow nor too fast,
You '11 find that your mentor will mention
They've found the Earl's body at last.
Lord Elcho's a scheme (which we 'll call "mac's ")
For changing "the Corner," Hyde Park;
They've tried a revival of Almack's"
You'11 also observe him remark.
And the rain (he '11 continue) is far
Too frequent to satisfy me,
The crops '11 be neither as good as they are
Nor as good as they ought to be.
But none of his comments will jar,
Or fall like a blight on your glee,
For they'll be not only as good as they are,
But as good as they ought to be.
That Chaffers once more had a cub-lick;
The King of Ashantee (it's true)
Has drunk the Queen's health, and in public
(A very good place for it too).
Our cap we have frequently doft us,
But to none of all those we admire
More freely than brave Annie Loftus,
Who saved her small sister from fire.
Well deserving of medal or star,
Little Annie, and honours' degree,
For you are not only as brave as you are,
But as brave as you ought to be.
There's many a conqueror's car
Holds one of less honour than thee,
For you are not only as brave as you are,
But as brave as you ought to be.


The Eagle" and Salvation Army
Don't seem very likely to mate;
For next-of-kin Frauders a barmy
Retirement's arranged, we may state;
And FUN, who is not sentimental,
Is bound to confess to a wax,"
To think that affairs oriental
Result in additional tax.
And these are his sentiments (yar I
They read in two ways, as you see);
He thinks we're not only as taxed as we are,
But as taxed as we ought to be.
ALL, But the end of all taxes we still
Possess an impatience to see,
Then we'll be not only as taxed as we will,
But as taxed as we ought to be.

A "FRUITFUL" SOURCE OF TROUBLE.-" Orange "-men.


PARLIAMENTARY MEMS.
A LENGTHY and critical discussion was the natural result of Mr.
Gladstone's proposal to raise money for our little trip to Egypt. This
proposal suggests an amended version of a notorious original-
"For he himself has said it.
That he wants a Vote of Credit,
As he is an Englishman."
Since, though he once had hopes that the Rooshian, the French,
the Prooshian, or, perhaps, Italian, would aid him in his difficult
task, yet, in spite of all temptations, those fierce but canny nations have
left him to himself to do the best he can. The House, being particu-
larly curious to know how much was going to be asked for, screwed out
of Mr. Childers a semi-official admission that r1,300,ooo would be
wanted ; but he afterwards explained that he ought to have said
/'2,300,ooo-an error of a single unit which, trifling as it may sound,
will make a considerable difference to the public pocket. The Premier
obtains this amount by sticking on an additional threepenny-bit to the
income tax for the second half-year of 1882-83 ; so, instead of its being a
case of twopencee more and up goes the donkey," it is threepencee
more, and up goes the Arabian charger."
It is almost superfluous to remark that although the Commons even-
tually let Mr. Gladstone have his own way about the Vote of Credit, yet
a few strenuous opponents of the Government's policy continue to re-
gard it as a Vote of Discredit.
Lord Hartington thinks that the expenses of the Indian military con-
tingent for Egypt ought to be defrayed out of the revenues of India.
The average British tax-payer will hardly grumble at that I
The House, which likes to hear all the news, cheerfully agreed to a
humble address being forwarded to the Queen to thank Her Majesty
for having kindly communicated to them her royal intention of calling
out her Reserves. A deafish stranger in the Gallery having understood
it that the Queen was going to call out her preserves, stated in a loud
whisper that if she could spare him some strawberry-jam and a pot or
two of ginger he should be glad.
With respect to our bellicose preparations, the Conservative Lords are,
everything considered, behaving like lambs, and the British Lion (as
represented by Earl Granville) is beginning quite to enjoy their company.
From a statement made to their Lordships we learn that Mr. Gladstone
sent no answer to the extraordinary epistle addressed to him by Arabi
Pasha. We presume our Premier purposes to forward his reply shortly
by a military out-post.
At a recent Saturday Sitting the House of Commons did not adjourn
until past midnight. And yet they will not allow such harmless exhibitions
as Museums and Picture Galleries to be opened on Sundays I


pg4\ aa ^^ *r7' /
THE PRICE OF WAR.
Welt-to-do Party.-" CONFOUND THIS EGYPTIAN BUSINESS!
IT'S A REGULAR TAX ON ONE'S BRAIN HAVING TO WADE
THROUGH THE PAPER NOW."
Hard-up Party.-" CONFOUND IT TOO, I SAY! BUT IT'S
THE INCOME-TAX THAT'S ON MY BRAIN, AND THE INCOME-
TAX PAPER THAT I FEAR WADING THROUGH."


ALL.














ALL.








50 FTJ1N. AUGUST 2, 1882.

ALMACK'S REDIVIVUS.


THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND HIS 16/- TROUSERS.
Chorus by Lady Patronesses.-" He's got em on!!!" Solo by his Grace.-" I 'm going to do without 'em. Tableam.-Exit Iron Duke, with much greater
rapidity than he entered.-Old Legend.


THE "PEOPLE"?
One of our correspondents, who went down to Chingford on Saturday, was shocked
at the treatment to which the horses hired out by gipsies and others are subjected in
the forest. Great hulks of savages," he says, "mount poor half-fed creatures, and
keep them on full gallop till the time is up."-Evening Paoer.

L**4'v ,* ae ^


How thoroughly thankful and glad they must feel
Who laboured with laudable patience and zeal
To rescue the Forest of Epping from those
Who struggled to pilfer and strove to enclose !
Supposing they hold as the chief of delights
The having restored to the people their rights,
What absolute joy in their bosoms must lurk
On seeing the people who gain by the work !
This class of the people's particular traits
Incline us to fancy that excellent phrase
"The parks for the people," is quite out of joint-
" The parks for the vermin is more to the point.
It certainly would have been terribly hard
Had the gentle and savoury rough been debarr'd
From the use of a forest in which to give vent
To his ever-predominant torturing bent.
Such pleasant proceedings, one cannot but feel,
Are likely to foster philanthropy's zeal
On future occasions when any one slights
The people's divine and indelible rights !
If these are the people who mount on the backs
Of the beaten and starved and unfortunate hacks,
There's one other thing that we wouldn't combat
Their absolute right to-and that is the Cat.


FUN'S CONDENSED LIBRARY; OR, FIVE
MINUTES' FICTION.
No. I.-A VOICE AND NOTHING MORE.
SCENE, the sands of Bloatermouth; Time, that season of the year
which, characterized by easterly winds and incessant rain, is known to
Englishmen as summer. The lovely Patricia Perkins paces the sands
with downcast nose and upturned eyes-no, I mean downcast eyes and
upturned nose. She is sad-she so young (rising thirty-nine from time
immemorial)-she with the eyes ot the ocean's own green, the wavy
locks of the sunset's crimson, the nasal organ of the sky's own blue.
Ah me I 't was ever thussish. She loves I
Ay she, the proud daughter of the house of Perkins of Paddington;
the daughter of a race that had borne the royal arms on the shutters by
virtue of having supplied the cousin of a housemaid who had once been
on the domestic staff at Kensington Palace with cats' meat; she at whose
feet butchers, bakers, and candlestick manufacturers had thrown them-
selves in various stages of intoxication ; she whose birth was so exalted
that she might have mated with a chimney-sweep, whose rank made her
sought by many cabmen. She loved I Whom ? Not the chimney-
sweep, who might have been sootable; not the butcher, who also might
have sueted; but the gallant but impecunious Alonzo, the Lion Comique.
Yes, through the season he had sung upon those sands, thrilling the
beau monde of Bloatermouth; and Patricia Perkins asked her heart this
question-which should conquer, love or pride ? She heard a footmark I
Looking up, she beheld-Alonzo I How d' ye do, st'st ?" he murmured
in the tones she knew so well-that green hat, that blue coat, those
chessboard inexpressibles I As he remarked, there was only one in it,
that was he; and he, indeed, had got them on, though his expressed
intention of doing without them was questionable. Then he asked her
if she would be his hollyhock, his pansy, and various other floricultural
articles. Who could resist such pleading ? They fled.
*
But times were hard, and every day Alonzo found reason for his
favourite remark, "Up went the price." Poverty, with characteristic
rudeness, stared them in the face and out of countenance. At last
Patricia determined to seek her ancestral paternal hall at Paddington.
Thither, accompanied by her devoted Alonzo, she presented herself, and
the twins with which she had presented her husband. Perkins pater had
never forgiven the misalliance of his daughter. Strangely enough, he
was at the moment relating his sorrows to his intimate friend the Earl
of Edgware Road, who in turn was lamenting the treatment he had re-
ceived from a ne'er-do-weel son who had disappeared long years ago.
"If our children had been dutiful," said the earl, "our respective houses
might have been united." Just then Patricia entered. She threw her-
self and one twin at her father's feet. Spare me she cried; and he
said he could very well, and she'd better slope, or else she 'd get chucked;
whereupon her faithful Alonzo rushed forward, and informed Perkins
pater that he'd hit him in a minute. The Earl of Edgware started :
he didn't go far, but rushed towards the soi dzsant Alonzo, exclaiming,
" Brabazon Bayswater, my long-lost son I although the party in ques-
tion only stood four feet eleven in his boots. When Perkins found that
the blood of his daughter's husband was as blue as her nose, he gave
everybody his blessing, and the attached couple lived happily ever after-
wards, until Alonzo was summoned for ill-treating a kitchen poker by
bending it against the head of the lovely Patricia.








AUGUST 2, 1882 FUN. 5


Spoons and Forks.
THAT "fingers were made before forks" is a fact
That will be disputed by none,
For fingers were made-and the date is exact-
On the first of the world's year ONE I
Forks are newfangled things, and in times of old,
There can not be the slightest doubt,
Had we lived before forks, we had not been told,
As too frequently now-" fork out."
If spoons were invented by Adam and Eve,
It was when they'd no work to do,
And discovered that "spooning would quite relieve
The time that they must get through.
But WE have to labour with sweat of the brow,
'Neath the indolent sun and moon,
For the needful" to fork out "-as we must now-
For the darling on whom we "spoon."
Now, spooning in Eden was well in its way,
There was nobody there to see;
But, 0 lovers who live in the present day,
You should manage it privately !
Spoon just as you like when there's nobody there,
But get wed at an early date,
And you '11 very soon find you no more will care
For spoons, unless silver-plate!

The Revolver Lunacy.
MR. BARSTOW, the Clerkenwell magistrate, is perfectly
rational at times. We are happy to be able to approve of his
remarks on the "revolver nuisance." Mr. Barstow has de-
termined to send for trial any reckless idiot who is charged
before him with causing the death of a fellow-creature by the
foolish handling of firearms. No matter whether an "ink-
widge has resulted in a verdict of death from misadven-
ture," Mr. Barstow states that he will sternly decline to dis-
charge any fool who has discharged with fatal results a firearm,
while playing the fool with it. We are only sorry that the
law does not allow a good sound flogging to be administered
to the lunatics who are in the habit of flourishing firearms in
public house bars, railway carriages, and in the streets, to the
terror, and sometimes death, of sane individuals who may
happen to be placed in juxtaposition to them.

Flowery.
THE Horticultural Exhibition, now being held at the Agri-
cultural Hall, ought to be a success. All is fair and above-
board, though one will find many a "plant" there. The
ferns will fern-ish much scope for study, and the roots are
far from "seedy; and among the prize flowers each pet 'll
have its admirers. And, besides, all the well-to-do exhibitors
of plants will of course be flower-" pots."


'l ... --- --

PAP-


THE SORT OF THING WAITERS HAVE TO PUT UP WITH.
One of the Good Old School.-" WHAT THE DEUCE IS THAT NASTY-
LOOKING MESS, WAITER?"
Waiter.-" GREAT DELICACY, SIR; OUR CHEF'S JUST MADE A BIG
BOWL OF IT, SIR. THERE 'S TRUFFLES, ANCHOVIES, OLIVES, COLD
CHICKEN, ALL SORTS OF VEGETABLES IN IT, AND MAYONNAISE SAUCE.
WONDERFUL, SIR I I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE A PLATE, SIR."
0. of the G. 0. S.-" WHAT'S IT CALLED?"
W.-" RUSSIAN SALAD, SIR."
0. of the G. 0. S.-" OH, YOU RASCAL I CONFOUND YOUR INSOLENCE,
TO DARE TO BRING ME ANYTHING CONNECTED WITH THAT COUNTRY,
AND ASK ME TO EAT IT I I 'D HAVE YOU KNOW I 'M A TORY, SIR. CALL
THE MANAGER, YOU-"
[ Uses language unfit for publication.


A HAPPY MAN.
HE was enjoying himself vastly. Great Britain was at war with a
foreign land. He was a Briton; he was reading the accounts of the
slaughter of our countrymen by the enemy's weapons; he noted the
marvellous execution done by these weapons : here a well-aimed shell
had burst in our entrenchments, and blown a company of Englishmen
to atoms; there another had succeeded in entering the magazine of one
of our ironclads, and sending the ship to the bottom with all hands ;
elsewhere a volley from the enemy's rifles had decimated a squadron of
British cavalry; and in another place a shrapnel had mangled a British
general.
As he read on, he felt his heart lighten and his appetite increase ; he
rang for another rasher of bacon. He had known personally so many
of the officers whose names he now read among the list of slaughtered.
"Ah, here's that capital fellow Jones lost both his legs," he said;
"and here's my old chum Brown cut in two; and here are Smith,
Green, and Robinson blown to pieces."
His heart was so light that he could not abstain from getting up and
actually skipping about the room, carolling the while with sheer
exuberance of spirits.
Then friends, admiring friends, began to pour in and grasp his hand
in congratulation; they covered him with expressions of adulation and
endearment; they repeatedly embraced him.
Then came a host of letters from good and worthy men all over the
country, who were anxious to make his acquaintance, and begged to be


allowed to call upon him. Then the Queen herself sent for him and
gave him her hand to kiss; and both Houses of Parliament enthusiasti-
cally resolved upon a vote of thanks to him ; and the people gathered
in their thousands to march to his residence and give three great heart-
felt cheers for so good and great a man.
And lastly came to salute and embrace him all the relatives and friends
of those Britons who had been mangled by the enemy's weapons-
mothers, widows, sisters, sweethearts, crowded in upon him to see and
touch him lovingly. With warm congratulations they showed him a
small paragraph in a newspaper-the latest telegram. "See I" they
cried. "Look I here 's a bit of news : your son-the handsome young
captain in the 10,009th-has been torn into threads by a shell 1"
Then the father's heart was indeed proud. What splendid guns
they are I" was all he could say in the fulness and gratitude of his
feelings.
Yes, that man enjoyed himself; and he deserved to, for he was one
of those Britons who had supplied those weapons to the enemy I

A Lang Time about it.
THE King of Bavaria has just commissioned a national artist, Herr
Heinrich Lang, to paint him two big battle-pieces of scenes in the war
of 1870-1. The King has been so long making up his mind to do this
that it looks as though;he had done it at the last for the sake of Auld
Lang, if not indeed for the sake of "Auld Lang Syne."


or To CORROSPONDIONTS.-rTe Edito, does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or 6ay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unles
accompanied by a sampled and directed envelope.







FUN.


AUGUST 2, 1882.


TOO TERRIBLE TO CONTEMPLATE.
Old Lady (after the character of a Servant).-" Is SHE AN EARLY RISER?"
AEsthetic Young Lady.-" DON'T KNOW, I'M SURE; I'M NEVER DOWN BEFORE TWELVE OR ONE."
0. L.-"Is SHE HONEST?" .E. Y. L,-"THAT'S A MATTER THAT HAS NEVER TROUBLED ME."
0. L.-" CAN SHE COOK?" .E. Y1. L. (indignantly).-"WE SELDOM EAT."
0. L.-"WHY ARE YOU GETTING RID OF HER?"
JE. Y. L. (shuddering).-"SHE HAS A MOTHER WHO EATS ONIONS. I KNOW THAT MANIA TO BE HEREDITARY. SHE MIGHT
BREAK OUT AT ANY MOMENT."


An Ungrateful Institution.
AT BELFAST an old woman, named Loughran, has been granted a
summons against a workhouse official, who knocked two of her teeth
out, when she said It was rather too bad that she should be treated
in such a manner, after having been in the workhouse for twenty-nine
years." We should think it was too bad (two teeth too bad) to behave
so to one who has been such a good customer. The idea I after pat-
ronizing the establishment for that length of time, and then to be in-
sulted I Why, they couldn't have behaved worse had the woman been
a casual acquaintance. It was literally a foor return for such constancy.

An Amended Title.
IN noble families where the term "lordship" is applied to old and
young members of them indifferently, it would surely save much trouble
were the youngg nobles spoken of as their lord-"boats," whilst their
seniors retained the title of lord-"ships."


"Upon the Fretful Porcupine."
THE Globe says that perhaps the etcher who added a porcupine to
the margin of Mrs. Allingham's portrait of Carlyle, at the Academy,
considered that the late Chelsea sage resembled that animal." Pro-
bably the etcher was misled by remembering that this great author had
many quills, at least, when writing; and that he was, according to
some biographers, exceedingly "fretful."

Not Derry-Down I
THE youthful Healy keeps popping up and down like a jack-in-the-
box. This time he is up for Down, intending to stand for that county.
Well, slangily speaking, Healy is a "Down-y card," so perhaps he'll
suit the electors there. If he succeeds, he will probably say, not
"tread on the tail of me coat," but "on the tail of me Ulster"
-Down being in that province. But, if he should fail what a Down-fall
it would be I


Genu no plod" e1ldehcionIs IME-FRUIT
BIRD.'Sa the hotand able. iMO NTSERRAT I LM
Established n JUICE
Solde.ve- ry A For Cutlets, Chops, Curries,
where n Steaks, Fish, Game, Soups, Gravies,
6d and s. c. Adds an appetising charm to the
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snAlfred n. nrivalled for PunBenoy, Fine Flavour, Strength, and
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0 dreept of f T Have met with gecerai appro0ation. Write as smoothly a a Druggiists e.
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London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press. High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at s53 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August and. x88s.


1 52









AUGUST 9, 1882. FU N. 53


IRRITATING.
Young Swell.-" AH! HOW UGLY THOSE FELLOWS DO LOOK WITH BIG MOUSTACHES."
SYoung Lady (anxious to please),-" DON'T THEY? I ALWAYS SET MY FACE AGAINST MOUSTACHES." [ Young Swell wishes he had one.


FUN'S CONDENSED LIBRARY; OR, FIVE
MINUTES' FICTION.
II.-THE MAN WHO WAITED.
PROVERBS are proverbially false. The catch-phrase, "Everything
comes to the man who waits," is especially so, more especially so in the
case of Philopatris Popkin. Philopatris had waited all his life for fame;
Philopatris was by profession a waiter, yet he waited in vain ; that was
his weight of woe. He, whose lot it should have been to have graced
the banquet with oratory, to have crowned the feast with eloquence, was
compelled to stand, mute and unregarded, behind the chair of the civic
or political Cicero-a waiter, more, or rather, less, a dumb waiter.
What wonder that P. P. should become impatient with a social state
in which such greatness as his own was disregarded ? What wonder
that, at the Brazen Bull Discussion Forum, he clamoured for a redistri-
bution of everything-land, wealth, seats, and everything else? which
was at least disinterested, seeing that neither P. P. nor his followers had
anything to speak of distributable. What wonder that daily, ay, hourly,
P. P. came to regard with almost reverence that democratic leader,
Boanerges Bunkum, the anti-all-things-as-they-are demagogue, who in
argument could, like Samson, overcome his thousands-and with the
same weapon ?
Philopatris thought to himself, "The great Boanerges and I are
kindred spirits. He believes in wealth being taken from the rich and
given to the poor, that the upper classes of this and every other country
are possessed of all the vices in human nature, and that the lower mono-
polize all the virtues. He demands that all men shall be equal, that he,
by right of glorious manhood, is inferior to no man. Ergo, I and
Boanerges are of the same opinion ; ergo also, B. B. and I are equal."
He placed himself in communication with the great man by forwarding
him a copy of a resolution he had proposed and carried at the Brazen
Bull, approving the conduct of B. B. in endeavouring to assert the right
to hold public meetings in Kew Gardens. He personally wrote to B. B.,
expressing his admiration at his tone in censuring the British fleet for
daring to be victorious in foreign waters. To each of these approaches
he received a condescending acknowledgment. "Some day," he


mused, "Boanerges and I shall meet. Ah! when two mighty minds
like ours commune together, where will the monarchies of Europe be
then ? Everything comes to the man who waits.' And he straight.
way invested his last tip in Boanerges' last pamphlet.
The day came. Boanerges was engaged in a professional capacity to
speak at a banquet at the Porcelain Palace. Philopatris was also en-
gaged in his professional capacity to wait at the banquet. Boanerges
rose to speak, P. P. standing behind his chair. With what rapture he
listened to sentiments so truly his own. "What right," shouted
Boanerges, "has any man to own a single acre of land while I have
none?" "Hear, hear," ejaculated P. P. Boanerges frowned. All
men are equal: because my forefathers didn't leave me a fortune, am I
to be compelled to slave out my existence to gain one ?" "No," re-
marked P. P. Boanerges glared. "No; let me share with those who
have inherited thousands. No man should work for another; all should
be free and equal." "Beravo I!" shouted P. P., "them's my senti-
ments." Boanerges sat down; then turning on Philopatris, asked,
" What the deuce do you mean, you impertinent fellow, in making re-
marks? Don't you know your business?" "Boanerges Bunkum,"
replied the somewhat abashed P. P., "behold in me a kindred spirit.
I am Philopatris Popkin." "I don't know or care who you are," re-
plied Boanerges, "except that you are a presumptuous fellow, and don't
know your place. If you say another word to me, I '11 tell your em-
ployer you 're drunk, and have you instantly sacked." Philopatris still
waits-but not for fame.

A "Living" Specimen.
SOME people have a strange way of getting a "living "-viz., by pur-
chasing advowsons. Mr. Tewson and the curate of Haggerstone ad
vows on one the other day. One vowed it should be sold, and the other
vowed it shouldn't. But, eventually, the Tew-son-orous voice of the
auctioneer ordered the curate to speak at a more "p" and q "-rate.
The latter objected and was ejected. But the advowson didn't get
"knocked down after all, though it would seem the parson did. His
motto was evidently not Living and Let living."


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. oo00.









4 FUN.


AUGUST 9 i882


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
WFUL is the
A "decline of the
drama I" Thea-
U tres unnum-
bered, and more
building every
day; actors so
A EASO,E TBAT WAS many and in
THE A AT MJS, such demand,
that institutions
have to be
formed for the
manufacture of
more(somewhat
mechanical
\ bc fl o these latter, as
machine made
goods are ever
apt to be, but
not without
their use), and

ToOL's.-" A HOMELY STORY.' and "no busi-
ness" well-nigh
over, for, nowadays, one season is but just over when, hey, presto I
we've commenced the next. It is truly, La season est mortle, vive la
season !

Thus :-Ristori is gone from Old Drury full of honour, and Mr. Harris
is back full of Pluck; Mr. Booth leaves the Adelphi full of fame, and
Mr. Warner comes back full of Drink; Romeo seeks recreation, and
Juliet is enjoying herself, but they'll both return in less than a month ;
the Vaudeville is closed as I write, but open as you read; 7he Squire
has gone to the country, and Owed-debt is dun; the Wedding March is
finished, and The Colonel has retired; there is now no Parvenu at the
Court; they've got the Moths out of the Olympic, but they've replaced it
with Fun on the Bristol, a piece which has been "travelling in the pro-
vinces" for some time, and is said to be Bristolling with good things ;
Toole's is Tooleless, but Billington holds sway (a man of weight and
advertisement this Billing-ton) ; The Mascotte has left the lonely Strahd
for the sounding sea, but will be back anon; Billee Taylor retreats from
the Gaiety ("werry much applauded for what he's done"), and Aladdin
takes his place.

Some theatres keep "straight on," so there is no knowing whether
they have finished the "summer" and commenced the "autumn," or
otherwise. The Romauv Rye will not roam any from the Princess's;
Babil and Bijou will remain till ousted by the War which is preparing
for the Alhambra; The Manteaux Noirs still envelop the Avenue;


TuB INS AND OUTS OF TiHE GAIETY.
A i\to IN.-Now tlen, my little fellow, good-bye, you 11 have to turn out-we've
IuO C iuillC.
A RLCENTLY 'i RIUMlIPAL CARR.-Ay, ay, yer honour. -Exit.

Boccaccio continues to "run on at the Comedy; and the Savoy is still
full of Patience.

Many novelties are announced, of course. The Court has many in-


teresting arrangements in contemplation. Mr. Arthur Cecil and Mr.
Mackintosh will be added to the company. There is to be a new come-
dietta by Mr. Julian Sturgis to begin with, which has been Juliannounced
to precede The Parvenu on his return; then there is to be a new play by
Messrs. Brandon Thomas and Bolton Rowe, and afterwards an adapta-
tion by Mr. D. G. Boucicault of Besant and Rice's Chaplain of the Fleet.
Miss Marion Terry is to take the part of Kitty Playdell, so it is certain
to be Playdellegantly, at any rate.

Robin Hood is to be the autumn "burlesque drama at the Gaiety-
and Valentine and Orson the Christmas piece-they are both by Mr.
Robert Reece, who seems to be Reeceonably busy just now; he is ar-
ranging the translation of The Merry War for the Alhambra, and also
has in hand another piece on The Yellow Dwarf, for the New Pandora
in Leicester Square which opens on Boxing Day.

In addition to the piece he has in hand for the St. James's, Mr. A.
W. Pinero has another to do for the Haymarket-" two in order,"-but
though Mr. Pinero has orders for two, the public is not very likely to, as
long as the plays keep up to the high mark this author has led us to look
for.

There is also the whisper of a new comedietta, by Mr. Arthur Matthison,
to be produced at Toole's one of these days : it is called A Homely Story.
I don't believe that story is anything like the one suggested in the initial.

The Surrey antumn season opens on the 21st inst. with a very real-
istic drama (judging from its title); nothing less than Real Lifs will suit
them this time. The piece is from the pen of Mr. Robert Dodson, and
I'm open to lay good Dods-on your liking it.

A benefit for "Chas. Frost," who was "twice wrongfully convicted,
and twice free-pardoned," was announced for Wednesday night last at
the New Sadler's Wells. They were to play "A Miscarriage of Justice,
preceded by a farce !" This was severe I

A portrait model of Arabi Pasha is the latest novelty at Madame
Tussaud's. It must be a very good representation of him, for I 've never
seen Arabi, but I "saw the likeness" at once. NESTOR.


With the Artillery Volunteers.
Shoeburyness, 7th August, 1882,
KNOWING, Sir, that you are always open to volunteer contributions,
I send a short account of our doings. Under canvas here is delightful,
it is literally a tented field, and the way in which we pitch into work is
wonderful. The place is one mass of big guns, so I thought you would
be sure to like a report of the 64-pounders. Talk about big, big booms,
this is the spot for them ; bar the time when I had that little difference
with my estimable spouse I never heard so much noise in my life. One
of the principal features of the meeting (and the officers do meat together
at mess time, and no mistake) is the telephone, which is used this year
for marking scores, and does away with the old semaphore signalling
which used to take up so much time. The new plan, I need hardly say,
is a sound success. Another alteration, by the bye, is the increase of
the range for the io-inch gun from 1,200 to 1,4oo yards, which some of
the fellows in camp consider going to great lengths. Distance does not
in this case lend enchantment to the view of the marksmen, who, how-
ever, have shot splendidly. But I must close, for the commandant has
just stepped up, and patting me playfully on the back remarked, "Once
more unto the.breech(loader), dear friends."

Paying for Popularity.
THE neighbours of Madame Adelina Patti, at Craig-y-Nos Castle,
have presented her with a beautifully illuminated address, expressive
of their pleasure and pride at having one so celebrated living amongst
them. We can quite understand it. The recent law-suit revealed the
fact that she was charged twice as much as anyone else for anything she
wanted done. It is a really racy idea, for the people have proved them-
selves thorough Welshers.

Food for Reflection.
IT seems that the famous sleeping girl of the Beaujon Hospital has
awoke at last; after seventy-three days. This is rather a wholesale sort
of snooze, isn't it ? One of the most curious features of which is, that
during the malady there is no desire f ood, and no sensible injury to
be traced to the want of food. We should think she will make up for
it now, though; that is, if she is as wide awake as they say she is. Such
an extensive nap as that ought surely to give her a nappetite.


54 FUN.








AUGUST 9 1882


FUN.


THE CAROLS OF CLOUDLAND.
XIV.-EASTEND-ON-THE-SEA.
'T is, indeed, a Cockney crowd
That perambulates these sands
Tone and toilette both are loud
As the boatmen or the bands.
Crowded, noisy, City-clerky,
With its youths of manners free,
And its maidens slightly larky-
This is Eastend-on-the-Sea.
Trouville and Dieppe would sneer,
Shrug their shoulders at the tone;
Mayfair weeklies come not here,
Treat this as a shore unknown.
No disgusting Lady Dolly"
Revels here in naughty spree,
For the fun is only folly
Here at Eastend-on-the-Sea.
Yet, despite these grave defects,
Eastend doesn't seem to care,
And one, somehow, isn't vexed
That the swells down here are rare.
Counter-jumpers from the City
Very pleasant chaps can be;
Shop-girls, too, are taut and pretty
Down at Eastend-on-the-Sea.
Gazing on the star-gemmed sky,
List'ning to the plashing tide,
And the soft, contented sigh
Of the maiden at my side,
Let the hant monde seek Mentone,
Baden, BAle, or Bath, for me;
Time let's stop a while, old crony,
Down at Eastend-on-the-Sea I

A New Norman Conquest.
A CHIROPODIST out West, whose name is William K.
Sawder-bunting, has assumed, for trade purposes, the name
of William the Corn-curer "!

A la Mort, and more!
M. DE LESSEPS says that the English will have to pass
over his dead body if they attempt to interfere with the Suez
Canal. What Can-Al-bion say after this ? It surely cannot be
that the eminent engineer contemplates Suez-cide More-
over, it is said that he is engaging a troop of Bedouin Arabs
to assist him in resisting interference. What a strange thing
to Be-douin I


A HEAVY SWELL.
Boatman.-"NICE DAY, SIR." Lounger.-"YA-AS. VEWY I"
Boatman.-" DRY DAY, SIR."
Lounger (who doesn't see hint).-" I'M AFWAID WE SHALL HAVE WAIN,
THOUGH."
Boatman (desperate).-" LIKE A NICE ROW TO-DAY, SIR?"
Lounger.-"A wow? No, I THINK NOT, MY FWEND I HEAVY SWELL
ON THE SEA, ISN'T THERE?"
Boatman (disgusted).-" AY, AY, SIR I So THERE IS ASHORE, AN'
THEY'RE BOTH ON 'EM GREENISH-LOOKIN'."


TURF CUTTINGS.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN,"
SIR,-With a highly characteristic want of consideration, which after
all might have been expected, you seize upon the moment when every-
body is in the enjoyment or anticipating the enjoyment of a holiday to
demand more work of your long-suffering prophet. With the harshness
of a narrow mind you point out that I am paid a fixed salary (a precious
fixed salary I find it when I want to move any of it from your charge
five minutes in advance) and ought to send something every week ; the
public, you say (and much I care about the public having signed the
pledge with the frequency of conviction), want a tip every week because
I'm so successful (I 'm not fond of any soap, but soft soap is an article I
loathe). Of course, I know they'd like a tip every week-every day if
they could get it; but have I no sense of right ? Can I reconcile it to
my conscience to wilfully encourage betting ? I can. Especially as you
threaten to shorten my screw if I don't. So here's a
TIP FOR THE REDCAR HANDICAP.
I'm bound to own I'm not a chap
As often sees this handicap,
Nor do I mean to take the trip,
And don't know why I give the tip.
But as the race is run to-day,
Why, bless you I suppose I may
As well.
There 's Chalcedony (three years old)
Has got a chance, as I am told :


On Sophist you 'll do pretty well;
And just look out for Clinkumbell;
Then Lartington you shouldn't pass;
But I should back the Yorkshire Lass
Mysel'.
I don't know what the Redcar Handicap is like ; it may be a big race
for what I know, for I never did know much about horses or horse-racing
(that's how I came to be a prophet or, as some put it correctly, '"a
tipster "), but I 've never heard of it as such. However, big or little,
here's luck to it (in lemonade and rum, the only non-intoxicant I have
by me at present) and my tip. As a last remark, I may say, this is all
you '11 get out of me this week ; and it's no use your attempting to bom-
bard the cave, because I've got a flag of truce hangirg out of all the
windows to cover my operations of "throwing up earth-works (such as
gingerbeer-bottles, pickle-pots, &c.) from the kitchen area at all the
passers by. There's a policeman coming in sight; he's just "landed"
a very little boy, so I suppose he's going to "clear the streets.
Yours, &c., in great haste, TROPHONIUS.

Pigeon English.
THE few so-called "sportsmen" who frown at the proposed Bill to
do away with trap-pigeon shooting may be called "pouters;" and if
they can find suitable epithets, they will no doubt soon be Hurling 'em
at Mr. Anderson, M.P. It is to be hoped, however, that he will soon
carrier-pigeon Bill.

A SUTOR-BLE BOOK FOR AWL AT LAST.-" Illustrious Shoemakers."








56 FUN. AUGUST 9, 1882.


A TALE OF IDAHO.
WHEN they had
finished the eth-
nology,
And polished up
the climate and
the crops,
And glorified the
different kinds
of bugs,
And told in turn
their lies about
the snakes,
And fish and deer
and things, of
Idaho,
A pensive cuss in
spectacles in-
quired,
"All this is well
enough; now
how about
Your educational
facilities ?
And let me see in
dots the time
they go."
\ "And that 's the
only thing we
really lack,"
Replied the An-
cient, with a
silvery sigh
"We do defect in that ostensibly.
We have the schools, but then we cannot git
The folks to run 'em, or who will remain
Adjacent to 'em, for they will not keep."
"How l-do they die?" "Wall, some on 'em expired,
Though Idaho ain't an expirin' State;
But I will tell you just the time they go.
"We had a fine young fellow from the East,
He licked the boys, and also kissed the gals,
And was all round uncommon popular,
Bein' likewise an awful fighting' man,
And there he did slop over. For one day
He met a grizzly bar upon the prowl,
And whistled to it, and the grizzly come;
But when he went he carried by express
All of that fine young man inside of him;
And that is just about the time they go.
We had another from Connecticut :
A widder run him down, and married him
Inside the very school-house where he taught,
Just as an Injun cooks a terrapin


In its own shell, or as a lovely deer
Is sometimes aboriginally biled
Inside of its own skin, for that poor man
Has been in bilin' water ever sense :
They say she makes it solemn hot for him.
And that is just about the time they go.
The third was well enough, but he was lame;
I needn't tell you how that one got spiled ;
For sense he couldn't run, one day, of course
The Injuns overtook him, and the way
They treated him was pretty nigh as bad
As if they had been widders, and that man
Their lawful spouse. They also made it hot,
Because they took and biled him at the stake.
And that is just about the time they go.
Then we tried women-folks to keep the school.
We writ for one. She came; and as she lit
Down from the stage, a man proposed to her,
And was accepted, and she married him
That very night; in fact, within an hour,
He gin a party, and we had a dance;
But Education suffered all the same,
As she declined to teach, bein' inclined
To conjugate-excuse my little joke.
But that is just about the time they go.
The second-wal, 1 took the second one
About the middle of the week she come;
But telegraphed unto the Institute,
Send on some more; keep sending' of 'em on.'
And so they kep a-comin', but they kep
A-going speedier than they arrove,
For the third lady was abducted by
A highwayman before she got to us-
She took it awful kindly, I believe.
And that is just about the time they go."
But why," exclaimed the wondering traveller,
Don't you obtain a careful, ugly one-
Some hideous old faggot, just like that
Tremendous terror with the lantern-jaws
By yonder ticket-window? She would keep."
Alas I how strange," replied the Ancient Man;
How is it that you people from the East
Will never understand us pioneers?
That woman is my wife-the very one
I cut away from school; and she's by far
The handsomest there was in all the drove,
For that is just about the time they go."

IT is stated that Lord Dufferin, the Marquis de Noailles, and Count
Corti were unable to communicate certain important matters to the
Conference one day, owing to M. Onou's absence from the sitting. We
respectfully ask, On-ou's head must the blame rest ? and echo answers
" On-ou's !"


COWES REGATTA.
"IT IS THE COWES, IT IS THE CowES."-O/tello, Act' V., Scene 2.


I -; -_a n3T ,


The Cowthatjumpedoverchemnoon-Ttre Cowwviththecrumptedhorn-The Cowwiththeirontail-The Thankyouprettycowthatgavepleasantmilktosoakmybread.































BACKING OUT OF IT.
(See Cartoon.)
WE sometimes hear a person say, The sea, the open sea,
Go, seek your pleasure where you will, but that's the place for me."
But there are different kinds of sea, it should not be forgot;
For while some seem refreshing, there are others which do not.
Of course, the ordinary sea you get at-say, Herne Bay-
Most people find agreeable upon a summer's day;
Yet very few can relish much a sea of troubles, or
Perceive with joy that there's a sea, besides a seat, of War.
It surely is small wonder then, if, when upon the brink
Of this last kind of sea, the hesitating bathers shrink;
Advancing till their nervous feet are wetted by the wave,
They try to make you fancy they feel resolute and brave :
But as the water splashes up and rises o'er their feet,
On second thoughts they shiver and effect a swift retreat.
The rigidly determined man, who won't throw up the sponge,
Avoids such vacillation by a diplomatic plunge;
And when he comes up fresh and safely swims, those timid elves
Grow angry just because they dare not do the same themselves.
However, one would gladly make their jealousies to cease,
And see all clothed and sane in mind upon the shore of Peace.







FUN~-A~


BACKING
Tohn Bull.-"DON'T DISTRESS YOURSELF,'


OUT OF IT.
OSSOO, I CAN DO VERY WELL WITHOUT YOU."


I *1


GUST 9, 1882.

























PARLIAMENTARY MEMS.
WHAT is to be done ? Mr. Cowen has presented a petition from the
Foreign Affairs Association in Newcastle, praying the House of Com-
mons to exhibit Articles of impeachment against Lord Granville and
Mr. Gladstone for high crimes and misdemeanours in connection with
their conduct of affairs in Egypt. We should think that the Govern-
ment had better telegraph to Newcastle, requesting the Foreign Affairs
Association to come up to town and take charge of the country at once.
But perhaps this distinguished Association would not mind seeing this
country go to the dogs (pure and simple), and only objects to its going
to the dogs of war.
The Earl of Carnarvon has called attention to the effects said to be
produced by pouring oil upon the troubled waters, and considers that
the Board of Trade ought to take the matter up. It would be well if
they would, though we can assure them beforehand that any experi-
ments attempted off Alexandria or Port Said must necessarily prove
unsuccessful-grease is not a factor in the Egyptian Question.
It is, indeed, an ill wind that blows nobody any good. According to
Mr. Childers, the wife of a private soldier on active service receives
eightpence a day from the public, and fourpence from her husband.
Now, in times of peace, the public sometimes get almost the whole of
a private's pay, while the unhappy wife gets next to nothing; so it
seems that she may benefit by national misfortune.
Lord Hartington's resolution to the effect that the expenses of the
Indian Expedition shall be defrayed out of the revenues of India, has
been passed with the addition of a trifling proviso-" subject to any
future decision of Parliament." This leaves the case in a beautifully
impartial state, and an accidental insertion of the word "not" in the
main body of the resolution wouldn't make the slightest difference.
Sir John Hay, having asked the First Lord of the Treasury whether
it was intended to move that the thanks of the House be given to Admiral
Sir Beauchamp Seymour, &c., &c., for their conduct on the zIth of July
at Alexandria, received an evasive reply. Poor Sir John I Hay-ho 1
The Government say that, since Mr. Rowsell sent in his report, a
great deal has been done towards improving the state of things in Malta;
so it is clear that somaltaration was really needed.
It is truly refreshing to learn from the Earl of Kimberley that Cyprus .
is not such an unhealthy place after all. Visitors to that romantic island
therefore, may banish fears of an enforced repose under the shade of the
Cyprus tree.
Sir William Harcourt warns people against believing what they read
in special editions of newspapers. As Sir William has before now been
himself a contributor to the press, one can scarcely help suspecting that
he has lately had some articles "declined with thanks.'
The Lords have passed the Irish Arrears of Rent Bill, after insisting
on sundry Amendments which the Goverment declare to be perfectly
unacceptable. Whether there will be a collision or a compromise
between the two Houses we can't say, and we won't prophesy, because
-at the time of writing-we don't know.








AUGUST 9, 1882. FUN. 6


DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT


NEw SERIES. No. 6.-A DISPENSIBLE COMMOD-DITTY.
AIR-" We're going to do without 'em,."
HERE'S Mr. FUN, as you'll observe, his paper closely scanning,
From title page to imprint he'll peruse it through and through,
And con events, the while his tact and admirable planning,
Enables him to just present the gist of them to you.
(Spoken.) Ah, those newspapers !
What should we do without 'em ? What did we do before ?
What did they do, I 'd ask, in what they call "the days of yore ?"
The man who first invented 'em conceived a noble plan,
And all the girls and boys must say, "Oh, what a clever man I"
When Mr. Wagner's Parsifal the other night was playing,
They took it cool (it hadn't been so hot for many moons),
The little angel choristers in bathing-drawers arraying,
The orchestra in sleeves of shirt a-playing of the toons.
(Spoken.) As for their coats, why-
Of course they did without 'em-the garments that they wore-
Of course they did without 'em, as many have before ;
And when the weather is so hot, why, where's a better plan ?
The party who suggested it must be a clever man.
There's Mr. Dion Boucicault an audience attracting,
To hear him as a lecturer (and well he plays the part),
Discoursing of the way in which to "teach the art of acting,"
And you may teach the art of it, but how about the heart ?
(Spoken.) To know "the ropes," however, and the "tricks of the
trade," is more than useful.
You cannot do without 'em-their use you can't ignore ;
You cannot do without 'em-to pick them up 's a bore;
So why not learn them all at once on Mr. Dion's plan ?
And when you act the folks will say, "Oh, what a clever man 1"
Although the curates' conscience may be tortured with misgivings,
To think the laws of England are constructed to allow
The sale (to curates' detriment) of valuable livings,
It can't be cured in auction rooms by kicking up a row.
(Spoken.) As for the auctioneer's arrangements with regard to such
bellicose gentlemen, why, they turn them out neck and crop for, you see,
They're going to do without 'em-and thus the peace restore ;
They 're going to do without 'em-although it makes them sore;
And anyone who will pursue the curate's little plan,
And not appear ridiculous must be a clever man.
Poor M. de Lesseps is struck with something astronomic-
A sun-stroke or a moon-stroke, or a something of the kind ;
His goings on are troublesome but pitifully comic,
He's gone completely crazy with Canal-upon-the-mind."
(Spoken). As for what he means to do when he has persuaded all the
ships to go away, and all the Christians to take Arabi's word and go
home and wait quietly till the massacre comes round we don't know,
but, at any rate,
He's going to do without 'em-he hates 'em to the core ;
He's going to do without 'em upon the Suez shore ;
And take the word of Arabi, a boldish kind of plan,
And all the girls and boys will say, Oh, what a comic man I"


The Guards and H.R.H. the Duke have finished their embarking,
And off they go to Egypt (which their battles have been few),
But maybe they will pardon our suggestively remarking,
Whatever are the nusses and the cooks and things to do ?
(Spoken.) And probably they will reply,
They 'll have to do without us-away on Afric's shore,
They 'll have to do without us, as many have before ;
And when we each come home again, all safe and spick and span,
The nusses all will stare and say, "Oh, what a gallant man "
Now there are lots of other things, no doubt you will be hearing,
About the Duke who married on the strictest of Q. T.'s;
Of volunteer artillery that's out a-volunteering,
And other little things, but-you '11 excuse us if you please-
(Spoken.) Without intending to be in any way rude, we beg to say-
You'll have to do without 'em-you won't get any more;
You '11 have to do without 'em, as many have before;
To take the thing contentedly you 'II find a decent plan;
So look at FUN, admire and say, Oh, what a clever man I "


Positive,
Tight-a Lord.

Cold-a penny ice.

Warm-a Rough.

Idle-Hogarth's ap-
prentice.
Weak-toast and water.

Bad-" a shop 'un.'

Tall-Marian.

Smart-a two-year-old
colt.


Degrees of Comparison.


Comparative. Superlative.
Tighter-Jack ashore. Tightest-a Bank holi-
day-maker.
Colder-a mother-in- Coldest an English
law. summer.
Warmer-'Arry. Warmest a Salva-
tionist.
Idler-a Board School Idlest a British
boy. workman.
Weaker-zoedone. Weakest Arabi
Pasha.
Wusser-a dairy 'un. Wusserest a street
'un.
Taller Cleopatra's Tallest American
Needle, tall talk.
Smarter-a good one- Smartest-the staff of
two. FUN.


Off to Egypt.
WAS it necessary for the Duke of Cambridge to assemble the officers
of the Ist Life. Guards and Horse Guards Blue (cheerfully going to fight
our battles in Egypt), was it necessary, we ask, for the Royal Duke to
assemble these men on the quarter-deck of the Holland in order to
make a speech in which he impressed upon them "the importance of
maintaining a cordial good feeling with the regiments brigaded with
them under conditions of an unusual nature"? Most of our army officers
are gentlemen. The Commander-in-Chief would almost insinuate by
his unfortunate oration, that the officers of the Household Brigade may
be snobs when brigaded with men whom they possibly imagine socially
their inferiors. We believe them all to be plucky, honest Englishmen,
they will behave as sich. Of one thing we strongly complain, the
officers are provided with revolvers, the privates, should they wish for
them, have to buy for themselves. Surely every cavalry man should
have a six-shooter. If the authorities cannot run to the expense, perhaps
some of the enthusiasts who cheered the departing warriors so heartily
might start a public subscription to arm our men properly.

O.H.M S.
IT is to be hoped that the Post Office Corps, selected to proceed to
Egypt, will gain the stamp of chivalry. We have no doubt each one
will be the "sorter man for his post. The telegraph division ought to
stand fire well, for they are not unused to a "battery ;" but they would
be better armed with the "needle"-gun.

Cave I Cave I
A CAVE of the most wonderful, not to say phenomenal, kind has been
discovered in Arizona. For the time, at any rate, the Mammoth Cavern
may be considered to have "caved" in.

That's the Colour of it.
ORANGEMEN who, in spite of all warnings, insist on provoking party
disturbances in which they get killed, are not much better than suicides.
Each death under such circumstances is a case of yellow-de-se

IT is said that Cetewayo is to lodge at Holland Park. Why ndt
down the City-way-oh ? It wouldn't do for him to reside near Regent's
Park, lest he should Zoo "-lose his way I








FUN.


AUGUST 9, 1882.


NOT A HUNDRED MILES FROM THE "GUID" DUKE'S PLACE.
Clergyman.-" DONALD, DONALD MEND YOUR WAYS. YOU ARE GOING FAST IN THE ROAD WHICH ENDS IN TORMENT, FIRE,
AND BRIMSTONE."
Donald.-" WEEL, BRIMSTONE'S VERRA USEFUL AT TIMES. I DINNA STAND IN NEED OF IT AT PRESENT; BUT I CANNA THINK
YOU ARE RECHT ABOOT THE FIRE AND TORMENT. THE ROAD I'M GOING ENDS IN A HOOSE WHERE THE VERRA BEST WHUSKY
IS SOLD; AND AFTER YOU'VE LIVED A FEW DAYS LANGER AMANG US, YOU'LL FIND THAT'S A FAC' YERSEL."


NEW LEAVES.
"BEAUTIES and Frights," by Sarah Tytler (T. Fisher Unwin), is a
charming book by a charming writer. Herein lies its charm-it is
freighted with beauties.
"Marsh's American Guide to London and Suburbs" (edition for 1882)
is essentially what it professes to be-full of "concise information of
where to go, what to do, and what to see." With such a good and
careful "Guide," it would be difficult for Americans, or English either,
to get "Lost in London."
In the Harbour." H. W. Longfellow (George Routledge and
Sons).-A sweet spirit of gentle sadness presides over the contemplation
of this unpretending little volume. Sweetness and gentleness were
characteristics of the author, and "filled the sails," as it were, of all his
works ; and it is sad to think that these are all of his unprinted poems
which will be given to the public," for now his earthly voyage is ended,
his authorship is brought to its haven, though his spirit still lives "In
the Harbour."
"Members of Parliament, Scotland," by Joseph Forster (Hazel,
Watson, and Viney).-This valuable volume is a model of correct com-
pilation. The skill and patience displayed in the gathering and arrange-
ment of such an excellent book of reference, are qualities most desirable
to "Foster."
"Holidays in Holland," is No. 2 of the admirable (penny) Holiday
Handbooks, edited by Percy Lindley. It is well written and illustrated;
an excellent companion and guide to those who can, and a readable
book to those who cannot, spend their "Holidays in Holland."
Art and Letters.-This is one of the most notable and noteworthy
issues of the day in furtherance of art and art interests. It appeals to,


and provides for, the highest forms of art-culture, and to all who therein
take delight.
"The Alphabet of Gardening," by Shirley Hibberd, forms a complete
and admirable guide to this most delightful of occupations, by one fully
competent to be a teacher, from being such a master of his subject,
"Gardening."
"Clever Things said by Children," edited by Howard Paul. Mr.
Howard Paul has in this volume gathered together a wonderful collec-
tion of Clever Things said to be said by children. Far be it from
us to gainsay it, for clever things never "Paul" upon us.
Gossiping Guide to Wales," by Askew Roberts (Hodder and Stough-
ton).-Here is a book with twenty-three maps, over one hundred
sketches, and three hundred and ten pages of instructive and descriptive
letterpress, forming about as comprehensive and companionable a volume
as it would be possible to procure, and what's Hodder," the book is a
"Stoughton." Robert's a straightforward guide, and nothing Askew."
"War Maps," Wyld's New Maps of Egypt. At a time like the pre-
sent, when so many of our troops and ships are centered there-and such
intense national interest centred in them-such maps as these are in-
valuable.
Maps of Egypt and the Suez Canal" (W. H. Smith and Sons).-It
would be difficult to obtain anything more perfect to help understanding
the locality where our extensive warlike operations are now being
carried on than these well-defined "War Maps."

THE special correspondent of a daily paper says that the Great God
of War now sails in Egyptian waters. Why at Egypt? Would not
Mars-eilles have been a more suitable spot for the G. G. of W. ?








FUN.


LODGINGS.-2. THE HEIRLOOM AND THE VETERAN.


He was a more knowing old lodger than you would have imagined. The landlady had one of the usual heirlooms, a jug (imperfect-original cost sevenpence-
halfpenny). If that jug, sir, were broken (by the lodger) no sum would be adequate to replace it-to fill up the void caused by its loss. She carefully planned a
position for it on the edge of the table-but he did not jog it off.




















Then she tried it on the mat outside his door; but he did not kick it over.


Then she tried it balanced on the door of his chiffonier; but he did not go to get a biscuit and spill it. On the contrary, he carefully placed a small bit of fish
just inside the door, and then decoyed the cat of the establishment-and she did demolish the heirloom. "Lor', ma'am," said the lodger, who was a little movie
knowing than you'd fancy, what a destructive animal, to be sure 1-what a pity !"

W To CooRRKSPONnDENTS.-The Editor does not bind himself !o acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will the) be returned unlea
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.








64 FUIN AUGUST 9, I882.


WICKET WORDS.
Bewildered and Bank-holiday Batsman (new to it).-"'ERE, 'E SAYS AS 'OW I'M 'OUT;' 'OW'S THAT? I'M ONLY JEST IN ; AND IHIS
'ERE GOVE WITH THE GLOVES AS IS SEVERAL SIZES TOO LARGE FOR 'IM GOES AND KNOCKS DOWN THE STICKS WITH THE BALL
WHILE I'M RUNNING, AND MY BACK'S TURNED. D'YE CALL THAT FAIR?"
Bucolic and Burly Batsman.-" YEW RE A FINE CRICKETUR, YEW ARE. YEW'LL NEVER GET A SCORE, YEW WON'T."
Bewildered One.-" SCORE I WHY, I'VE RUN UP MANY A ONE AT THE 'GREEN CHEESE."'
Bucolic One.-" AY, AY! THEN I DESSAY YEW OFFEN GET 'STUMPED' THEER TOO." [Left arguing.


A Pleasant Country Drink.
"The thirsty earth soaks ap the rain,
And drinks, and gapes for drink again."
THE thirsty labourer emulates the example of the earth, only it is
something stronger than rain that he soaks up, to his decided disadvan-
tage. The following recipe we have been asked to insert by one who
takes a warm interest in the working classes, viz. :-Well boil from one
quarter to three-quarters of a pound of oatmeal in two to three quarts of
water, add an ounce or an ounce and a half of brown sugar, shake the
beverage, as the wives do naughty children, before you imbibe; drink
in summer when cold, in winter when hot. The oatmeal, sugar, and
water is palatable even without boiling, but is better for having been on
the fire. It is stated that harvesters who took this beverage last year
got through more work than the beer drinkers.

Arabi again !
THE Aoilnische Zeitung says that "Arabi Pacha is the son of a fellah."
Certainly he himself is a fellah that few fellers can understand. "Yes,"
sighs one, "it is time he fell-ah I"


CURT COMMENTS.
THE departure of "Our Boys for the East is the excitement of the
hour. For some time past the weather has been like March, but now
it is March indeed for the troops. Royalty assists at the embarkation
of the soldiers, the Queen sends messages, and everything is done to
make the young army "go off" well.
Sir Garnet Wolseley, K.C.B., &c. &c., Commander-in-Chief, was in-
capacitated during the first part of last week by fever, which was not
unnatural. There is no doubt he has been in a perfect fever of excite-
ment for some time. When he returns he will "Sing us songs of
Araby."
On Tuesday, the ist instant, the lioness at the East London Aquarium
gave birth to three cubs. This probably accounts for the anxiety that
has been so universal lately as to the health of the British Lion. We
are authorized to state he is as well as can be expected.

An Appropriate "Quid pro Quo."
To LOAD with "forged" letters those who load the market with
spurious "bonds."


Jon Has COLD E N MONTSERRAT LIME-FRUIT
COATED PENS. For Cs JUICE
Steaks or F uiles, Gm Sops, Guries,
ELEGANT! CLEAN! DURABLE! Steaks, Fish, Game, Soups, Gravies' G IBu
T &c. Adds an appetising charm to the
INK AND RUST DEFYING. plainest and daintiest of dishes. AUU
In is. Boxes, of all Stationers. Unrivalled for unency, ine Flavour, Strength., and
J.H., on receipt of stamped envelope, and one extra Cheapness. The usual 2s, size bottle for ls. Sold byall Grooers,
stamp, will send a Sample Card of Four Pens for trial. Druggists &e
Any selection, please order of Stationers. Druggts .
JOHN HEATH, 70 George Street, Birmingham. "THE CLIMAX OF PERFECTION."








AUGUST i6, 1882. FU N. 65


I-~- -1_


FROM THE MOORS.
[ Tom and George were shooting in the Highlands. Tom haa a certificate, George haa none. The Inland Revenue Offcers in Scotland are very
canny indeed. One of them appeared suddenly on the scene where Tom and George were blazing away. Tom (the owner of the certfi.
cate) rushed frantically across the hill, inland Revenue in pursuit. Meantime, George made his escape cleverly. Tomn was caught at last 1
Inland Revenue (breathless).-" YOUR CERTIFICATE, SIR." Tom (equally blown).-" HERE." (Presenting it.)
Inland Revenue.-"WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU RUN FOR?" Tom.-"BECAUSE I WAS COLD. WHY DID YOU RUN?"
[Tableau. Inlan.t Revenue speechlesss with rage.


PARLIAMENTARY MEMS.
BOTH Houses of Parliament have received the honour of a visit from
Cetewayo and suite. After overcoming the initial difficulty of walking
up the staircases-a process that seems to be peculiarly distasteful to
Zulu legs-H. ex.-M. keenly enjoyed the unaccustomed sight that pre-
sented itself, and had great trouble to restrain shouts of laughter. It
took some time to make him believe that the Lord Chancellor was
seated on a woolsack, but he readily accepted the assurance that that
functionary was not wearing his own hair, and said he should like four
dozen wigs of the same pattern to send home to his wives. The Speaker's
mace he persisted in regarding as a State knobstick, and he wondered
that the tom-tom was not beaten whenever a Minister rose to speak.
He declared he should not mind filling the post of Colonial Secretary
himself, provided they would let him get rid of his thick blue uniform
and sit in his native costume; whilst he anxiously inquired if they served
up good rump steaks in the dining-room. Only to one thing did he
seriously object, and that was the proposal of a photographer to take
his portrait on the spot, seeing, with his natural acuteness, that it would
be inconsistent to convert the public proceedings of the House to a
sitting in camera. When the distinguished strangers departed, Mr. Biggar
was observed to give vent to a deep sigh of relief; but there had really
been no cause for his palpable nervousness, since assegais are never
allowed to be taken into the gallery.
On the 4th inst., Mr. Macfarlane said that the grievances of the
Scotch crofters were such as ought to commend themselves to all, for in
many parts of the Highlands it was really a question between men and
grouse. Since the 12th inst., the grouse agree with Mr. Macfarlane.
Mr. Trevelyan promises that a full inquiry shall be made into the
complaints of the Royal Irish Constabulary; but the Government will
not entertain their representations so long as they maintain an attitude
which is injurious to discipline-i. e., the sooner they stand at attention
the sooner will they get it.


By way of attacking that favoured knot of officers known in the army
as the Mutual Admiration Society, Colonel Alexander observed that
the Ashanti Ring was the via puima salutis which led to ever) thing
good in the service. Is this ring one of the ancient sort, which you
have merely to rub and a genius appears ?
Mr. Childers states that fifty-two battalions of our Militia have ex-
pressed a wish to be embodied We hope this does not mean that
the battalions in question are at present merely made up of heads and
legs with arms.
Great efforts have been made to polish off Supply. It is always ne-
cessary to go into the money question before you can conscientiously
clear out of town for the holidays.
There is one kind of Supply which seems to be unfailing, and that is
the supply of interrogatoiies about affairs in Egypt. For expansiveness,
Egypt might be safely backed against the Exchequer.
In the matter of the Irish Arrears of Rent Bill, the threatened colli-
sion between the House of Lords and the House of Commons, which
was gonig to produce such dire disasters, and which did produce such
dire portents, has been averted by the heroic conduct of Mr. Gladstone,
who, with admirable coolness and presence of mind, kept half of the
amendment loaf for the Commons, and gave the other half to the Lords,
thereby saving them all from a fearful explosion. Lord Salisbury pro-
tested, but his colleagues in general approved, and the Bill as amended
was passed after all.


Unlimited Looe.
BETTING ot all kinds is ofien heard of, but we think the incident re-
ported last week, according to which Sir A. S. Gooch laid a founda-
tion-stone to a church" at '" Looe," is unprecedented. The odds, at the
lowest computation, were io,ooo to I in favour of the layer of the stone.


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. gox,









66 FU N. AUGUsT 16, 1882.


WHEN I first heard
of Fun on the
\\ Bristol, which
is described as
a "Comedy-
omedy ido "-
I mean a Co-
medy oddity "
I thought it
justpossiblethat

there set forth
some incident
or incidents in
the career of the
eminent indi-
vidual whose
name heads, and
whose spirit ani-
mates, these
pages. But as
soon as I got to
the Bristol "
I saw he had
never been
there, nor was


ever likely to be there either if he could help it.

The company (which is at the Olympic) is
a real American surprise party, and for those
who don't mind taking their seats under the
impression that they are going to see a play,
and suddenly finding themselves landed amidst
a regular characteristic American negro-enter-
tainment-comic-ballet-Irish-character-olla-pod-
?ida, why, there they are; but for lesautres-- ?
The piece is certainly an oddity, but the only
approach to comedy occurs in the second act,
where the bulk of the passengers come into
the gallery (all at once) to see the captain of
the boat and several of their fellow passengers
'go on" like mad things, but, having once
taken their seats, regard the said "goings on"
with stoicail indifference and perfect command
of countenance, not deigning to look on them.

The thing is much too long, but it contains
plenty of fun, and the company includes several
clever members, who play with a briskness
and decision which postpones the inevitable
weariness to the latest possible moment. Mr. THE OLV. PIC.-'.
Sheridan has a very complete command of the
Irish accent, and plays Mrs. O'Brien so well that one almost loses sight
of its being a male impersonation. Miss May Livingstone also distin-
guishes herself
S. ..__ asBellaThomp-
S- son, and if she
I i.I will restrain a
tendency to
j II overact (born of
i -a consciousness
T s of success), will
...._, leave nothing to
be desired but a
less "slate-pen.
3ToL cilly"voice; she
.ULRS e has caught ad-
tSOm u, .. mirably the
--s- -- "jiggety" tod-
Conc Al U dle of the negro
astES "help when
re'r oa ThE pleased, as well
now ?sGEwS -. as a character-
___"-_istic laugh. Mr.
Waldon's Cran-
berry is a per-
formance of
some excel-
THE OLYMPIC.-BELLA BELLARING. lence, and Mr.
Richards'nigger
business is good. Miss Lulu Evans, who is Irish for the first few


SLASHES AND PUFFS.


bited all her usual points, and Mr. Williams gave
a drily droll rendering of Abanazar, but Miss
Gilchrist seemed depressed by the necessity of
appearing in feminine apparel.

Another new theatre! This one is to be built
over the Coal-Hole-the Occidental." How
the noticer's work increases upon him! Soon
he'll have to live in theatres, and telephone his
notices to his chief as the pieces proceed.
And the building mania shows no prospect of
:'- decrease, that's (apropos of the Occidental")
the West of it 1

.J1 I'm led to believe-but my innocence is
perhaps being taken advantage of-that Mr.
J. S. Clarke is coming among us once more.
He is going to appear at the Strand, they say,
in The Comedy of Errors (a comedy of Shakes-
peare's), in which he will play one or two
Dromios; thus we shall have two Shakes-
pearian plays before us in the autumn, with a
Dromio at the Strand, and Dromio and Juliet
TORRE-ARDOUR. at the Lyceum. We shall all be glad to see
Mr. Clarke back; at any rate, we shan't be
sorry, not Error one of us.

Mrs. Lang-
try is expected
to open at the
Imperial for a
fortnight, com-
mencing on the
16th proximo,
as Rosalind. If
this lady does
not eventually
succeed, at any
rate she intends
to have a Lang
try.

The next -_
company at the \ \\
Philharmonic -
will be a com-
pany of builders
and decorators,
and there is no
doubt whatever
that their per- THE GAIRTY.-A SQUIRE AND-A-LLAS--CAN SHE BE THE
formance will CELEBRATED MARIA?
bring down the
house, which is to be re-built by Mr. Matcham. NESTOR.


minutes, and then subsides into her native American, has a very pretty
singing voice, and uses it fairly well. By the way, there are so many
of what are, known as character parts in the piece-Irish, nigger, and
so on-that one
gets into the
way of it, and
takes the ordi-
nary parts with .
their American-
isms for charac-
ter parts too. -

The regular
Gaiety company .
- with several
favourites ab-
sent, however- .
reappeared in I p
town on Bank '" .1
Holiday, t aand ;. .
gave a rather ,
listless perform-
ance of Mr.
Reece's Aladdin
to a not very
enthusiastic
house. Miss -
Farren exhi- THE GAIETv.-ALADDIN AS WAS AND A-HAN-AZ-AR.


THE OLYMvPIC.-THE TRIO.








AUGUST 16, 1882. F U N 67

The Intervening Turk. I -
QUAKER and Jingo both exult, I I i
At last we've reached the dear result
By diplomatic ways occult
And means of double meaning;
Islam has ceased to waver, and
By turns accede, deny, demand;
Some one will take us by the hand,
The Turks are intervening !
They 'll intervene, and that in quite
Their dear old way, with all the might
Given by a perfect sense of right,
And truth there is no screening;
And only just a few minute
Conditions mar the glorious fruit
Reared from diplomacy's rare root-
The Turkish intervening I
We must withdraw the fleet, of course,
Ca va s2ns dire, the landed force
Will turn its heels and take to horse,
After their one work-cleaning
Each desert camp and city den
Fit to receive the Mussulmen
(Who hate the dirt of Giaours), when
The Turks are intervening !
Our bonds we 'll sell at a dead loss, _
It is the crescent, not the cross,
Should be the Suez Channel boss, --
Seymour requires demeaning;
Have no care of the serf who delves,
Put treaties all on high-back shelves,
Then they '11 take Egypt for themselves-
The Turks who're intervening I

A Lively "Sali."
MRS. MUDDLECROP, on hearing that the mercury was
rising again, exclaimed, "And no wonder Why, I'm told
that the poor people use it to that extent, there's a regular
'Salivation' Army of'em!" "WOULDN'T COOKEY CLIP HIS EAR IF SHE HEARD HIM!"
First Boy.-" I SAY, BILL, HE IS A LONG 'UN."
"PIGEON" ENGLISH.-Hurlingham slang. Second Boy.-" WOULDN'T MAKE A BAD FIRE ESCAPE AT A PINCH."


OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL HIRES A MOOR.
ONLY those, Sir, who, like you, fully comprehend my general spor-
tiveness will be likely to believe that I have hired a moor this season
principally for the sake of dating my letter from OTHELLO, N.B., for
that, I may say, is the name by which I henceforth wish and intend my
Moor to be called.
You will see, Sir, in a moment what a vista of playful witticisms this
nomination of mine opens up. Thus I shall, of course, divide my moor
not into acres but into acts, which I shall shoot through in turn; and
when I am out temporarily I shall instruct my gallie "-as my male
servant up here is a gilliee," my female ditto is naturally a "gallie"-
to tell all callers that Othello's occupier 's gone I" Any reflection
upon my moor's character I shall resent as a "grouse" impertinence,
and I hope to perfect arrangements by which a new set of aramatis
persona will go through my Othello every fortnight.
But enough of future intentions; and now for the present I" as the
neglected boy said on his birthday when he saw his papa come in with
a parcel. Well, Sir, if I wasn't up with the lark on the 12th, I was, at
any rate, up with the cuckoo" (as a matter of fact I took the cuckoo
clock up to bed with me), for neither of us was down, owing to the
defective clockwork in the bird's stomach, till the sun was full high in
the heavens, I regret to say. My friend, who, being quite a sportsman
and thoroughly at home with sportive ordnance, I call Old Gunny-'un,
was also late; but that, he assured me, was intentional on his part. As
a recognized "dewny man, it seins he cannot afford to be up too
early or too much. But when we went out eventually we made up for
lost time (I enclose the "make-up," as it may be useful to you for fancy
dress balls), and fired at every bird we saw. That we did not bring any
down must be attributed to our want of foresight. Had I thought they
would have been wanted, I could have "brought down" any number
-from Leadenhall Market in a hamper.*
Still I was disappointed, and I said as much to our gillie, who is
already known to us familiarly as "Old Scotch Plaid," he is such a
"tart-'un."
Some sportsmen, I believe, show still more marked foresight, for they not only
"bring down their birds, but bring them. up as well-by hand.-Y.E.-S.R.


"Weel, ye see, sir," he replied, the birds is a mickle diseasey on
this moor."
"At any rate, dis-easy' for you to say so," I returned loudly enough
for old Gunny-'un to hear.
Just then a bird rose, and I raised my Manton"* with a fell" pur-
pose in my eye. My mouth watered as I fired, but the bird flew on as
"flew"-ently as before,
Look, Gunny-'un," I cried, that grouse is going "
"But it isn't gone," responded my friend ; and cleverly withdrawing
the hammer of his gun (he was an auctioneer by profession), he coolly
knocked it down.
Put it in the bag," I exclaimed to the gillie.
"There isn't nae bag," he returned with provoking deliberation.
It was no time for trifling, so, without a moment's hesitation, I gave
him the sack, adding loudly, "Then put it in that."
After this we had luncheon, and gave the birds a half-holiday. But
we mean mischief next week, as you shall hear.
If Manton" does not advertise, Sir, put in some other gunmnaker who does--
Y.E.-S.R.

The "Permanent way" to Victory!
A DAILY paper remarks that the war in Egypt is likely to add a new verb
to the language, seeing that the entrainingg and detraining of our
troops are operations already freely alluded to. So far our contemporary
is right, but it fails to point out the other probable results of the bringing
a line of railway and its rolling stock into general, or, as we should say
in this instance, into major-general use. Thus our regiments in Egypt
will now, in the most literal sense of the word, be put upon their "metal;"
and even the rear-guard (as the other day) will advance to battle in the
"Van." A succis "de-Steam" will henceforth have quite a new military
signification, whilst the enemy will find the "tender" point in our
" line of communication one of the strongest it possesses. But one
revolution in railway economy we certainly hope to see effected. There
must be no difference in the "carriage" bearing our gallant men to
victory. Nay, we feel certain that, thanks to their former "training,"
all of our brave fellows will be "First Class."







FTUN.


LODGINGS.-3. THE NEWLY-MARRIED COUPLE.'


pi:'


, .o


VW~ ~


Aind when she came up to set how they were getting _n, they lad t.ken off all kind, of false hair and things, and were the most ancient, knowing, and hideously
experienced couple you ever saw. "We 11 say two-and-six a week for the rooms, and no extras," they said. They knew the price of everything to a farthing. The
year of tenancy has not yet expired.


2'


pi


7771_,,,,







FTU N .-AUGUST 16, 1882.


ARABI'S WAR-DANCE.
Cetewayo.-lYAH! YAH !-DAT BERY PRITTY; BUT YOU GIT MASSA BULL TAKE
PAY DE BEST OF ALL."


YOU PRIS'NER-DAT


I -I

































ARABI'S WAR-DANCE.
(See Cartoon.)
THE rebel Egyptian grasps his sword,
And thinks he's going to whop us;
Puff'd with a sort of fanatical pride,
He will not believe in our strength till he's tried,
Though he scarce can afford
To support the queer horde
Wherewith he aims to stop us.
The prisoner Zulu, quondam king,
Supposed himself to be undone;
Yet. spite of captivity carking the soul,
He is having a pretty good time on the whole,
While each pleasant thing
That money can bring
He's treated to in London.
Scrappy must be the rebel's means,
His chance of victory scrappier;
While, simply kept safe by invisible bars,
The Zulu's supplied with champagne and cigars,
And he gorges "like beans,"
And enjoys novel scenes:
We wonder which is happier ?








AUGUST 16, 1882. FT-UNTT.T 71


DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.


6A\\\RI/i/III W .- /l -- s
N v SERIES. NO. 7.-A SHREWD-DITTY.
AIR-" You don't want a candle."
You 'LL notice we're about to give another little song
(You don't want a candle for a job like that),
And if you guess it's topical you won't be very wrong
(You don't want a candle for a job like that).
A conversazione has been held, as you must know,
By some of London's artists in the Hall of Skinners' Co-
You'll gather from our manner that we should have liked to go
(You don't want a candle for a job like that).
You don't want a candle for a job like that,
You'll find the information good for getting at;
If you desire to glean
Exactly what we mean
You don't want a candle for a job like that.
You've heard of Ricciotti Garibaldi's little game
(You don't want a candle for a job like that)
Against us (and for Arabi) his country to inflame ?
(He might want a candle for a job like that) I
You read about the little boy who wouldn't go to school
For fear that hydrophobia should make him play the fool-
We 'spect his fellow scholars aren't altogether cool
(You don't want a candle for a guess like that).
You don't want a candle for a guess like that,
It's a mere interrogation with an answer pat;
The school will lose its nerve,
You 'll easily observe;
You don't want a candle for a job like that.
You 'll find a crowd of people who would greatly like to flay
(You don't want a candle for a job like that)
The chap who said the 6oth had gone and run away
(Illumination doesn't suit a job like that).
Since (in a little fit of irritation, if you please,)
He went for that reporter, one indubitably sees
That Mr. Justice North is not exactly at his ease
(You don't want a candle for a job like that).
You don't want a candle for a job like that,
He feels himself ridiculous (and so that's flat);
Or if he don't, 't is thought,
In point of fact he ought-
You don't want a candle to discover that.
The holiday" is over, and, by Jove, it never rained I
(You should light a candle for a job like that);
As Bishop Dr. Wilberforce has duly been ordained
(There's some like a candle for a job like that).
Of very many other things I easily might speak,
About those bees exhibiting, and "Canterbury week,"
And worthy Irish constables who higher wages seek,
But space is not sufficient for a job like that.
The space is not sufficient for a job like that-
Of the doings of patricians and of proletariat
For all the blessed week
Exhaustively I'd speak,
But space is not sufficient for a 'ob like that.


What a Good Patient People we are I
Alerandria, To-day.
ARABI having hoisted a white flag, an officer was sent to speak with
him, and has not since been heard of. It is under consideration to
demand explanations, as it is generally held that such a use of the white
flag is disreputable.
Alexandria, To-morrow.
While an engagement was taking place Arabi's right wing suddenly
displayed a white flag, and our side at once suspended operations. Arabi
availed himself of this opportunity to surround and cut off our left wing;
and it is under consideration to take no further notice of a flag of truce,
as it is considered that such a use of it is, &c., &c.
Alexandria, The next day.
Finding that our men were on the point of carrying his entrenchments,
Arabi Pasha hoisted a white flag. This allowed him time to bring into
position some heavy guns, with which he opened fire and thinned our
columns, ultimately driving them back. It is under serious consideration
to ignore his flags of truce in the future, as it is held that such a use, &c., &c.
Port Said, Day after tha'.
Arabi has just hoisted a white flag, which has caused a cessation of our
fire and thus enabled him to destroy the Suez Canal. It is under serious
consideration to, &c., as it is considered that such a use, &c., &c.
Ramleh, A day later.
Arabi has just hoisted a white flag as a request to our Commander-in-
chief to go and parley with him, and has taken the opportunity of the
commander's acquiescence to have him blown from a gun. It is under
serious consideration to, &c., as it is considered that such use, &c., &c.


V4 ARACTACUS,
with a black face,
is now amidst us.
Ile doesn't adapt
himself to English
manners, doesn't
he ? Perhaps, as he has got a black face, he ought to pine away for a
banjo and a Bones to bandy jokes with. We have had plenty of Cete-
wayo-we shall have a diary of him soon: "Rose at six. Three
pounds of steak for breakfast. Sad and heavy, thinking of Africa.
Saw a cat walking on garden wall. Threw assegai at it and killed it.
Suite set up three assegais in garden; slung cat by tail, and lit a fire
underneath made from legs of drawing-room chair. Wild Zulu dance
round the roast brandishing assegais. Cetewayo told Mr. Dunn,
'London great City; you hunt in him.' Great excitement. Suite
swarming over walls with assegais after cats. Accident. One of suite
heard piano played for first time. Thought it a live animal. Bashed
it to pieces with his club, and gnawed the keys in the back room think-
ing them the animal's bones. Very ill," &c., &c.









72 'FU N AUGUST I6, 1882.


F,UN'S CONUNDRUMS.-No. 4.

















WHy may it be said that these noble and energetic sportsmen are, indeed, in a bad way ?-Because it is only too clear that they are all going to "pot."


THE WAR-AN IMPORTANT ENGAGEMENT.
THE spirit of competition, which is the most pronounced characteristic
of the present age, renders it necessary for every newspaper to be ahead
of every other newspaper ; and FUN, with that energy which is always
an inseparable part of his character, has resolved to be ahead of the
aheadest of his contemporaries. To perceive the special phase of jour-
nalistic aheadness which commands success during the present state of
affairs in Egypt was, with FUN, the work of an instant. The Great
Humourist-the vast, mighty, ponderous Joker- (why should he feign
a misplaced modesty in speaking of himself ?)-had but to glance over the
newspapers to discover that the object of every one of them is to have a
War Correspondent who is more egotistical than the War Correspondent
of any of its contemporaries. FUN has succeeded in securing the services
of THE MOST EGOTISTICAL WAR CORRESPONDENT IN THE WORLD I
Having carefully selected a gentleman who, through the means of
natural inclination and careful training, has succeeded in becoming
wholly absorbed in his own personality, FUN sent him out to the seat of
war in a vessel chartered wholly for his personal accommodation, giving
him strict injunctions to spend the voyage out in exclusive reflection upon
himself, by way of putting the finishing touch to his preparedness for the
task of War Correspondent ; and FUN is now able to lay before his
readers the gentleman's opening communications from the seat of war : -
MYSELF and Miner Matters.
(From our Special Correspondent in Alexandria.)
Ahlexandriah. *
When business is active in Sniders and tents,
And moments are weighty with mighty events,
I well can imagine your readers must be
Extremely impatient to hear about me.
To cut their distressing anxiety short
I 've promptly and sternly applied to the Porte
To lend me the cable (I'd take no excuse)
To work for my sole and particular use.
Your readers will first, as it 's easy to guess,
Expect a description in full of my dress;
And, while their attention is all on the stretch,
I'll give them a slight biographical sketch.
(Here follow a few columns devoted to the subjects mentioned.)

Ullexandhriah.* Midnight.
While Admiral Seymour was with me to-day
He said, in the most satisfactory way,
I cannot conceive what on earth I should do
Without the advice and assistance from you !
"The marked and repeated successes we gain
Are all to be traced to your quickness of brain ;
You certainly ought, it is perfectly clear,
To be put in command of the lot of us here."
Kafhir Dharwarr.*
I rode to the front (with a pluck that outshines
All hitherto known) and inspected the lines ;
Our force was engaged-but we '11 put that aside,
As you're longing to hear how superbly I ride.


I mention the ride (with my usual tact)
For the purpose of slyly suggesting the fact
Of the marvellous style of my hand and my seat :
My way of suggesting these matters is neat.
Kuffurr Dhuwa rh.*
The fight's at its hottest; with coolness profound
I stand where the bullets are hailing around.
I merely allude to the heat of the fight
To show it's a matter in which I delight.
As proof of my coolness I cannot do less
Than give an exhaustive account of my dress
(With the manner of one who obliges, not brags),
And the holes where the bullets have torn it to rags.
Kyphir Diwor.*
I looked so superb, sitting still on my horse,
That I did not retire with the rest of the force;
You '11 form some conception of Arabi's glee
At a step so important as capturing ME!
Our Special Egotistical Correspondent being captured, the war will
of course cease, pending negotiations for his release. It is even pro-
bable that so important a matter may entirely put an end to the hos-
tilities. In any case, operations cannot go on until our correspondent
is once more at his post to report them.
Our readers will observe that we have secured a doubly-valuable prize in our
Correspondent; for, in addition to beating all the other correspondents hollow in
egotism, he leaves them hopelessly behind in the invention of new and unnecessary
names for places at the seat of war. Perhaps, though, this is only another phase of
his vast and unfathomable egotism; his independence in the nomenclature line in-
controvertibly proving his intimate knowledge of the language of the country.


Mems. from the Moors.
IAGO could not have been partial to "popping at the birds," for did
he not say, "I hate the Moor "?
Grouse-shooters are not always successful; yet a decent tailor, who
does not even stir from his shop, may be said to make "good bags."
Birds are not gifted with speech, as a rule, and yet we often hear of
grouse-" (s)talking."
The best of coachmen may not be able to "drive" grouse.
The man who fired at grouse from a Scotch stook, and was not suc-
cessful, said he mis-"stook his aim.
May not a seeker after grouse be called a "covey "-tous man ?


In Dis-Guy's.
HOLLOA, boys, here's another Guy's scandal I We have heard of
people objecting to be Guy'd," and, after recent revelations, we do
not wonder at it. Their method is not be-Guy-ling. If the authorities
there go on in this manner, their patients will grow scarce. Our
patience with them is getting less.

IN the House of Commons, the other night, Mr. Healy asked How
far Crete was from Egypt," and in reply was told "to look on the
map." Probably Mr. Healy now wishes he had been more dis-Crete,
and sighs I am a Crete-ure far from"(m)appy."








AUGUST 16, 1882. F U N 73

CAPS.
Rondeau.
BY A FEMALE COMPOSITOR.
WE'D set our caps to win the Editor,
And kept them free from ev'ry inky st ain I
Set up our "formes" in panoply of we r,
Dressing as killingly as might be; noW
Grudged so expending the small pay we
gain I
Could we but get him in lone Labrad or,
Or on some solitary Cornish Tor,
It never after should be said, in vain
We'd set our "caps"
Witches, "in storm, in sunshine, or in rain,"
We'd cast our spells; rttaliaiing for I
Our spelling he'd found fault with I We
remain
In the same "case," alas composing, ot
Sigh that not vainly only here. 0 Pain I
We'd set our "caps" I

Re-serve him right I
SA' CORRESPONDENT of the Times said
last week that Arabis statements must be
received with reserve. By this time we
have sent out enough of our "reserve to
receive Arabi himself as well as his state-
ments, unless we are very much mistaken.

Mild.
CONSIDERING the state of the thermo- be
meter on the 7th instant, we can fully 1
endorse the statement which our favourite
daily made on the following morning, that
"yesterday, as the first Monday in August,
was observed as a close holiday "-only WOOING!
"close" is rather a mild term : "blazing A FASCI'MATING maiden, she, Yet, mayhe oer that damsel's heart
hot" is about our idea of it. With fair yoPhng face, and figure slender; The winged Boy soon will hold dominion
A manly English suitor, he, That she'll confess it, ere they part,
IT is said that the junk is not so popular In manner tender. Is FUN's opinion.
in Japan as it used to be. Perhaps some And to as here they sit alone May Love, that is God's brightest boon,
out there are not inclined to indulge in (The victims of sly Cupid's scheming), On these young lives shed its pure splendusr I
junk-ettings over the change. He woos her in an earnest tone, And mould that maiden's heart, that soon
She lists, half.dreaming. She may surrender I

ONE POINT OF ACCORD. road I It's no use I I won't be badgered about his precious canal I
Hang his canal 1" said" Arabi. "Here-Mashallah-orderly, hide me
-',._ under my prayer-carpet-so. Hassan If he hasn't forced his way in
and mistaken me for an ottoman, and sat on me. Fatima I He's dis-
covered my toe-don't let him drag me out I By the ghost of Ali I
Where on earth-ah I here, I'll try this." And he scrambled hastily
into gun. HM
"Mecca and Medina I By Jingo l" exclaimed the inhabitants of Port
-- Said. "There he comes again, to persuade us to remain unprotected and-
~risk all our lives for the sake of his unbelieving and beardless Canal I
We spit upon his dog ot a Canal He shan't talk to us about his Canal;
Swe mock at its turban, and cry ho I ho at its slippers I Keep him off
-we can't get a minute for our meals, he bothers us so I" And they all
scrambled up their chimneys.

The war was temporarily suspended. For the first and only time
Arabi's chronic white flag had a meaning. The deliberation of the
Conference remained for a period at a standstill by general agreement.
The representatives, diplomatic and executive,-of the Powers and of
rebellion shook hands with one accord.
On a dark night several figures stood by the banks of the Suez Canal:
they held a sack.
"There he is, coming along the Canal to look us up and tease us,"
said Admirals Conrad and Seymour, and Arabi, and General Alison,
-. and the Mayor of Port Said, and the rest of 'em, in a breath; "but he
won't find us at home tkis time."
W" IT'S no use," said Admiral Seymour, hurriedly scuttling into his He came along, babbling about the Canal being his property; there
cabin; "I 'm engaged-got letters to write-indisposed-got small-pox, was a rush, and a short scrimmage; and the sack, with a struggling form
and all sorts of infectious things-can't and won't see him I" inside it, was gently lowered into a well, and the Great Pyramid placed
"'It's not a bit of good for him to call on me," said Admiral Conrad; on top to keep all safe. From beneath the mass of masonry could be
"let me get away, quick-down into the hold-up to the masthead- heard, at intervals, such expressions a "Parbleu I Sacr-6-6- I Diable I
anywhere! Here, disguise me as a marine-look sharp. Ha I he has Ze Canal, you let 'im alone I You jest toush 'im, zat's all 1"
recognized me by my nose I Be off I I won't be badgered about your This was all.
confounded canal-go away I Help Fire I Take him off my coat- After that they were able to carry on the war in peace.
tails-ha I" and he jumped down a ventilator in sheer desperation.
"By the beard of the Prophet, there he is again coming down the "MoVEMENTS OF THE GUARDS."-Their drill.

Af To CORRESPONDENTLS-TAs Edito- does not'bind himself to acknowledge, return, or ay /or contribution. In no case will tey be rslurned unlwes
accompanied by a sltamsfed and drocatd envo 0.







74 F U' N AT GoTST 16, 1882































A PLAYFUL FARE; OR, FjAIR PLAY.
SCENE-A Block in the City.
Vrchin behind Cab.-" I SAY, CABBY, IF YOU DON'T DRIVE ON A LITTLE FASTER, I SHALL HAVE TO GET DOWN AND WALK.'

The Oxford. FU N'S" FU N NY BOO KiS,
FULL OF COMIC PICTURES.
THE present Oxford's birthday came round on Wednesday, August ONE SHLLING EACH.OMIC PICostfree, s.
9th. This music hall has now entered the giddy teens. Always amusing, ONE SHILLING EACH. Pot-fr, S. 2d.
always respectable, the Oxford show is not to be beaten in England. 'i 9
Go and hear Arthur Roberts and James Fawn, the biggest chiefs among "FUN'S C OMICAL REATURES.
a jocular fraternity; go and listen to the wild notes of Paganini Redi-
vivus, and the sweet ones of the Sisters Taylor; go and feast your eyes One Hundred and Forty Grotesque Pictures by ERNEST GRISET.
on Avolina; go and laugh at the quips of De Voy and Le Clerq; not In which some amusing prose and verse serve as accompaniment to more than six
forgetting to watch at intervals the twinkling eye of Manager Jennings, score of very amusing woodcuts, from grotesque drawings of animals by Ernest
whose genial face is an absolute antidote for the blues. Griset."- Weekly Distpatch.
"FUN'S" HOLIDAY BOOK.
THE Liberty and Property Defence Fund have boldly avowed their COMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
intention to oppose the running of cheap trains for workmen. This is "It is replete with wit and humour, and admirably suited or leisure reading."
a nice line to go upon. It is enough to drive the B. W. to Elcho-hol.
The promoters of this association will soon need a Defence Fund for FUN 0 N THE SAN D S.-Comic Pictures on Every Page.
themselves if they go on like this ; that is, if any one can be found to For the road, rail, and river.
defend such idiotic proceedings. THE ESSENCE OF FUN.-Comic Pictures on Every Page.
"Rich in illustration and teeming with jokes."
THE EXTRACT OF FUN.-Comic Pictures on Every Page.
AN AMBIGUOUS SPECULATION.-Mdme. Bernhardt's purchase of the "Admirably fitted to while away an hour or two of a tedious railway journey."
lease of the Ambig.u.
"FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, E.C.

EDM BLACK MONTSERRAT L*'
A For Cutlets, Chops, Curies, JUICE
M L EH USteaks, Fish, Game, Soups, Gravies I
&c. Adds an appetising charm to the
BRILLIANT!! CLEAN! NO DUST!! plainest and daintiest of dishes.AU
For Excellenoe of dalFor Oleanliness Unrivalled for Pungenoy, Fine Flavour, Strength and
Quality. G l uM l n se. heapness. The usual 2. size bottle for s. Sold byall Grooers,
Sold by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere. Have met with general approbation. Write as smnoothy as a, Druggists, &0.
lead pencil, ad neither scratch nor spurt, the, points be
E. JAMES & SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH, dh pro.aar "THE CLIMAX OF PERFECTION."
London: Printed by Dalziel Brothers. at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, August x6th. z88s.








AUGUST 23, 1882.


FUN.


CONVERSATIONS FOR THE
TIMES.

THE UBIQUITOUS OBSTACLE.
THE PRIME MINISTER. Yes-Well, then,
I 'll just write to Seymour to tell him to pro-
ceed to the Suez Canal and-Now, hang it,
who's collared my pen? (suddenly recollecting)
Oh, ah, of course, it's that chap again. Tell
you what, if I get hold of that chap I '11--
(too terrible for publication).
ADMIRAL SEYMOUR. Ah, here's the de-
spatch at last, for me to proceed to the Canal.
Go ahead-eh? Somebody jammed himself
into the engines and won't let 'em move. Now,
who on earth-- (enlighten bypastepisoaes) Oh,
that fellow of course. Pull him out and chuck
him ashore, and if ever I catch him aboard
here again-(wouldn't do to print).
THE PORTE. Oh, very well, we will sign
our consent to dispatch troops to-now, who
has collared our seal ?-(suddenly assisted by a
memory o/ recent incidents) There I if it isn't
that outrageous meddler again Now, if we
ever layhands on that fellow, we'll--(Couldn't
repeat it).
TIE READING PUBLIC. What on earth is
it prevents there being any news in the paper?
Oh, I see-it's that busybody man again, the
paper's full of him ; there isn't an atom of
anything else to read I I 'd just like to have a
chance of getting him into my clutches. I'm
not of a bloodthirsty disposition, but I wouldn't
stop till I had-(Dear, dear, such sentiments
from a steady citizHn !)
EVERYBODY IN GENERAL EVERYWHERE.
Who's this sitting in my chair ? Who on earth
is this shoving me about ? What's this biting
me? What the dickens is this in my tea?
&c., &c. Why, if it isn't that wretched, med-
dling, ubiquitous LESSEPS man-O-o-o-o-
o-oh I just wait till we get our claws into him,
we 'll- (Such threats make your very blood
run cold!)

NEW LEAVES.
The Century and St. Nicholas. -The bt auty,
richness, and delicacy of the illustrations in
these magazines-to say nothing of the equally
excellent letterpress-it would be d fficult to
over-praise. The Century is especially enriched
by a splendid reproduction of Hubert Her-
komer's portrait of Richard Wagner, and
several exquisite drawings of London artists'
studios.
The Theat; e has a splendid portrait photo ( f
Miss Adela Measor in Odette, and a spirited
drawing, by F. Barnard, of Mr. Edwin Booth in
Richelieu, besides its other interesting contents.
Macmillan's has the second of Mr. J. Henry
Shorthouse's "Two Novelettes," the continua-
tion of Fortune's Fool," and other commend-
able papers.
7he'Squire.-A praiseworthy feature in this
magazine will be found in "The Book Parcel,"
and another in "The Post Bag '
Household Words possesses, if possible, more
than usual of what is most worthy and most
welcome entertainment and instruction.
The Leisure Hour, Sunday at Home, Boy's
Own Paper, Girl's Own Paper, and Friendly
Greetings, maintain their even standard of at-
tractiveness.
7he Life Boat.-The quarterly issue of this
journal is always of the deepest interest to all
into whose hands it falls, and recalls attention
to the doings, the merits, and the claims of one
of the noblest, if not the noblest, institutions
our islands can boast of.


WOODEN BIRDS.-Wood-cock.


HEART-" BREAK "-IN G.
.he (romantic).-" DOES NO(' THIS SPOT REMIND ONE OF THOSE LINES OF THE
LAUREATE'S, 'BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, AT THE FOOT OF THY CRAGS, 0 SEA'?"
He (otherwise).-" BREAK !' UGH I No CHANCE OF SUCH A THIIG IN THIS DEAD-
AND-ALIVE PART. WHY, I CAN'T FIND A BILLIARD-ROOM ANYWHERE IN THE NEIGH-
BOURHOOD."
She.-" BILLIARDS I How PROSAIC I AND YET THERE IS ONE WORD USED IN THAT
GAME, I BELIEVE, THAT IS PLEASANT-(archly)-AND THAT IS 'LOVE."'
He (dense youth!).-"' Lovs,' WHY, THAT STANDS FOR 'NOTHING."
[She gives him up as hopeless.


MR. CAINE has given notice that he will, early next session, move for a Select Committee t<
inquire into the causes of drunkenness in the army, and the remedies that should be adopted fo,
its removal. There is promise of strong and summary remedy in the hon. Member's ver)
name ; is it possible that Mr. Caine has ideas of getting himself adopted" ?

A READ "-Y RECKONER.-The man who kept Mr. Read's score of 132 against the Australians.


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. 902.









76 FU N AUGUST 23, 1882.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
S DOUBT the new
Novelty Theatre
4 | ill be a boon
./ r "iheurac, td md
.j-.4'^ /... (unread" hut I
f-' -r it ill he

reverse to the
management if
they literally
: carry out their
'V avowed intention
._ of reading all
MSS. sent in for
perusal My I
how many mana-
gers will they use
up in a year, I
wonder?

It will act as a
Splendid relief to
the other thea-
tres, though,
drawing off all those submitted MSS. that, undesired, are thrust upon
them ; at the same time, this advantage will only be obtained, I should
say, by increased activity for a time, for will not the unread ones desire
the immediate return of "my immortal tragedy," or "that funny farce
of mine," or that comedy, burlesque, pantomime, drama, &c., &c., that
they may submit it to the new tribunal ?

However, the theatre will certainly supply a want long felt," and if
it only manages to discover one of those "gems of purest ray serene,"
of which it is hinted there are "full many hanging about only too
eager to be discovered, it will have done something; but there are cases
--by the way, have you ever heard of the drama that was produced
without either being acted or read ? I have; they call the story-
ONLY HIS PLAY.
His eyes that were weary, with lids that were pinky,
His hair that flew long and unkempt in the breeze,
Ilis chin all unshaven and fingers so inky,
His trousers so baggy and bright at the knees.
Whenever your eyes to his form were attracted,
This legend before you unfailingly spread:-
He's written a play which has never been acted,-
A play which has seldom, if ever, been read."
Oh, many a change had come over the nation,
And many a tenant had notice to quit,
And many a lad had a new situation
Since first that unfortunate drama was writ I
He'd sent it to every playhouse in Britain,
Explaining its prospects of being "a go,"
But, whether he 'd called with that drama or written,
He always was met with a positive No !"
And when he had sent it to all for perusal,
And every manager tackled" in vain,
He started afresh, and in spite of refusal,
He sent it to each of them over again.
But managers smiled at his dogged persistence,
And as they re-posted the parcel, would say,
"It doesn't much matter, he's quite at a distance,
And perfectly harmless-it's only his play !"
But Fortune will tire of continual frowning,
And isn't so black as she's painted, for law !
You must have observed how, when people are drowning,
She now and then chucks them a ricketty straw.
At length was our dramatist's patience rewarded,
Hle heard of a chance of obtaining "a show,"
A chance to "unread and unacted afforded
By quite a benevolent Limited Co.
With Hope all his future extensively gilding,
He hastened away with his "scrip" to the place,
But there in the stucco in front of the building
The usual "No" met him straight in the face.
(They 'd velty to add as the name of their playhouse,
Of which he unhappily wasn't aware);
The shock of it turning his mind to a chay-house-
He went about sticking quill pens in his hair.


They said that the piece was too heavy," he muttered
(His thoughts ever turned on his drama, poor cove),
1I don't believe much in the judgment they uttered,
And, just to confound 'em, I'll weigh it, by Jove! "
He ordered some scales of a pattern gigantic,
He rigged them with pulleys, with chains, and with wheels,
And there, with grimace and inconsequent antic,
He weighed it all day and neglected his meals.
He said to himself with an infinite scorning,
They told me my drama was certain to fail,

-n




-9
3- ** .--


















And here I am every ev'ning and morning,
'Producing it on an elaborate scale'" (!)
And friends, if you looked with surprise on his capers,
Would glance at him gently, and whispering say,
Ie isn't quite right, but he's pleased with his papers;
lHe's perfectly harmless-it's only his I'lay."

April Showers is to he the principal piece at the opening of the new
theatre. Mr. Somers Bellamy, the managing director, is suspected of
having at least a hand in it; and there generally is a pretty close con-
nection between Somers and showers in this country. We will hope
that it will "bring forth May flowers" of success.

Mr. John Hollingshead, Mr. I)'Oyly Carte, Mr. Michael Gunn, and
Captain Bainbridge-giants among managers-have entered into a
great big partnership, interested in the fortunes of our theatres, the
Gaiety and the Savoy, the Prince's and the Royal at Manchester, the
Court at Liverpool, and the Gaiety at Dublin, with possibly a New
York theatre added. This is indeed an "event," and with a Hollings-
head to guide, a D'Oyly cart to carry out, a Michael gun to make the
hits, and a Bain-bridge to carry them over difficulties, the combination
ought to simply command success.

Mr. W. Morton opened with a diorama at the New Cross Public
Hall yesterday (Tuesday) week, proposing to make a stay of six or
seven weeks. He gives a view of Alexandria (among other places),
but without a blowupup" He says gunpowder is dangerous, and he
evidently does not wish his diorama to become a dire harmer.
_________________ NESTOR.

Scot and Lot.
MRS. McMUDDLECRO1' is of opinion that it was short-sighted as well
as selfish ndt to include one Scotch bagpiper amongst the eleven English
"players" at the Oval recently No '"ball," not even a cricket one,
she considers, is complete without a Scotch reel.

A D I-LV paper says that "The Marquis of Salisbury is the 'Pistol'
of Parliamentary life." Is this because the noble lord "goes off" into
tantrums now and again? or does the D. P. think he should be "dis-
charged," that it thus "loads' him with satire? We must admit our-
selves that the leader of the Tory peers does not always come out well
in "reports;" still, he is an educated man, and being a "Pistol"
doubtless understands trigger-nometry. According to the latest bullet-ins
the "arms" of his lordship will henceforth be called fire-" arms."


CERTAIN TO ANSWER. "-Reply post-cards.








AUGUST 23 (882


FUN.


KING CETEWAYO.

-- .~ 7- 1- -- ..
T_ F- .


\ V'


.Living in an artist's house, and in an
artistic neighbourhood, he will, of course,
be provided with an aesthetic suit, in ad
edition to his military and yachtingdittoes.


OUTSIDE 18 MRL .URV' ROAD.-Con-
AT DINNER. sternation of liriltih public on learning
AN AWKWARD DISH TO CARVE.-A little too much for one, not enough for two. hateger has ee dispatched to that ooa inia
Office tor a pocket-handkerchiif.


THIu MARRIAGR I MARKiT.-Menmbers of tile savage tribe of Ushandutusti.-
He is somewhat hhy in the presence of ladies."-Daily Press.


PARLIAMENTARY MEMS.
LoRD ELCHO cannot at all reconcile himself to the settled-on scheme
for the abatement of the block at Hyde Park Corner; but Mr. Lefevre
is determined to stick to it, as the best of the three brought under
consideration en bloc.
While Mr. Anderson was moving the second reading of his Bill to
prevent the shooting of pigeons from traps, the House was unfortunately
counted out. When honourable Members are thinking of grouse, they
can't be expected to bother their heads about pigeons.
Having been out on the moors on the I2th to study the finances of
India, Lord Hartington appeared in town on the 14th and delivered
his annual statement upon that abstruse subject. All tnat we can make
of it is that grey shirtings are remarkably steady, the fiscal system is
now sitting upon a sounder basis, and nobody need feel at all dis-
couraged.
Egypt, India, Ireland, Spain, and the Channel Tunnel may all flatter
themselves on having recently attract it Mr O'Donnell's comprehensive
attention.
Apropos of the Channel Tunnel, Mr. Chamberlain has decided, on
behalf ut the Board ol Trade, to stop the works altogether, pending the
appointment of a joint committee of both Houses to consider the whole
matter. The works having stopped, should not the company be wound up?
Lord Salisbury is by no means satisfied with Lord Kimberley's in-
tention of partially restoring Cetewayo to Zululand, under proper safe-
guards and conditions. By the way, what is the process of partial re-
storation? Is it anything like that exemplified by pictures hung up as
specimens at the doors of picture-restorers' shops ?
In London Mr. Callan was one night suspended, and in Dublin Mr.
Gray was one day sentenced to fine and imprisonment-both for the


THE REALIZATION OF HIS FONDEST HOIEs.-A talkee-talkee with
Queen Victoria.


use of improper expressions. These Irishmen seem determined not to
lead a quiet life.
The Lords and the Commons have adjourned their sittings until the
24111 of October, when Mr. Gladstone intends to personally conduct an
Autumn Session for the settlement of the Procedure Question. Mean-
while
Hip, hip, hurrah I let's be off for our holidays,
Wish they were longer and hope they '11 be jolly days;
Cheering our hearts with all sorts of frivolidays,
And singing in chorus-
No, no, spare us this once; let us, oh, let us spend a few happy weeks
without that everlasting Erin-go-bragh I" Good bye, gentlemen.


A Nominal Reward.
THIE annual German Anthropological Congress has just met, under the
presidency of Professor Virchou, who complained of the opposition he
received in some quarters. But no matter: doubtless he feels that
"Virchou is his own reward."

Good News for Anti-Vaccinators.
WE understand, from a trustworthy source, that the Government
have it in contemplation to present a copy of FUN weekly to each public
vaccinator, on account of the strength and purity of the humo(u)r to be
found in it.

A CUTTING BUSINESS.-The timber trade.


f


- .. -.
^ II








78 FUN. AUGUST 23. 1882.

"THUS FAR, AND NO FARTHER!"


" I 've called to tell you all about the adulteration of bread (or "pickles," or anything else, as th- case may be), sa;d Our Powers That Be, dropping in on the
Consumer; and entered into an.elaborate description' of the sickening details, in such wise thit the Consumer was hirrowed up.


" Ihe knowledge is horrible to bear, said the Consumer; "but I am supporte~dby'the refieetion that the Powers which have horrified me will also remove the cause
of horror," and. the Consumerkhrw fat and curly-haired on hope.
But the evil was not remedied; indeed, this seemed no part of the Powers' plan of operations; so the Consumer grew thin and bald with hope deferred.

/^~^'% A { ?^ 5


Some time elapsed. "I've just called to tell you all about"more horrible adulterations I 've discov- the Powers began.
But the Consumer had had enough of it, and was too quick for him. "Be off I" he said, chucking toe Powers out; "and you can come back with your next list of
sickening details when you ve applied a remedy. I'm not going to be made sick and then left in the lureh."


V





FITJN.-AUGUST 23, 1882.


(


\N~ <><


THE RESTORATION OF KING CETEWAYO;
OR, "TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY."


" wi ll ~ ^






























THE RESTORATION OF KING CETEWAYO.
(See Cartoon.)
BEAT up de tom-tom and rattle on de bones,
Wake up de banjo's beautifullest tones,
Shake up de tambourine and scrape de fiddle-string,
For Uncle Cetewayo again is made a King.
Houp la oh, yah !
De darkies down in Zululand are going to hab deir King.
De ole man, de young man, dey all will leap for joy,
And ober de mealies will jump de nigger boy,
De wives and de daughters go huggin' all de men,
'Cos Uncle Cetewayo is tumming back again.
Houp la oh, yah !
De jolly King o' Zululand is tumming back again.
He'll tell 'em all about de sea and how de steamers swim,
And how de pretty yaller gals all came to look at him;
And when dey kissed deir hands to him he looked de udder way,
Remembering his wives at home-dere's plenty more to say.
Houp la! oh, yah!
When he's got back to Zululand dere's lots o' tings to say.
He '11 tell 'em all about de mighty big sights he has seen,
His chat wid Daddy Gladstone and. his talkee wid de (ueen ;
And when deir mouths are stretched so wide dey won't stretch any more,
He'll tell 'em about Melbury Road and set 'em in a roar.
Houp la oh, yah!
De traveller King o' Zululand will set 'em in a roar !









AUGUST 23, 1882. FU N.


OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT THE DUBLIN EXHIBITION.
"BUSINESS first, and pleasure afterwards," Sir, as the rag-and-bone-
man said to his apprentice when he went off to see his aunt hanged be-
fore taking the shutters down ; and the grouse with which my Othello
(Perthshire, N.B.) is presumedly stocked (see advt.) have had to wait a
bit, or rather "to bide a wee," as we Caledonians put it, whilst, in pur-
suance of my stern Extra-Special duty, I have attended the Exhibition of
Irish Arts and Manufactures in Dublin.
Let me just explain that this Exhibition would have been a big suc-
cess had ii not been attempted to make it a "Biggar" one. Verb.
sap. sat. Loyal Irishmen washed their hands of it long since ; Belfast
backed out; and Ulster utterly ignored it. The result is that it has
been made a "national" exhibition only in the Land Leagual" sense.
Now, as you know, Sir, the more "national" anything Irish is made
the greener it becomes. The motto of the finestt pizantry in the
wur-r-r-ld" with relation to the injustice inflicted by its arrears-paying,
tenant-right-giving Saxon taskmaster, would seem, in fact, to be "green
and bear it !"
Certainly Dublin when I entered it last week, talking persistently to
myself for fear my lips should unconsciously relapse into whistling
" Harvey Duff," was the greenest-looking city I had ever seen. As to
the citizens, I hope they were not quite so green as they looked. Every
second person had a green rosette (why not, seeing there was no rose in
it, call it a greenette, and have done with it ?) and I positively saw ac-
quaintances greet one another as they met with green bows.
I first eagerly turned to the letter B, and not finding what I looked
for, I exclaimed somewhat incautiously, "What, the Member for Cavan
has not made an exhibition of himself ? Then I shall ask for my money
back." But I did not do so, really, as I thought it better to stay and
gaze at other specimens of "national" Irish industry. I would par-
ticularly allude to the following :-
Section B, Class 14.-Irish Parliamentary Products. No. 15. Col-
lection of H's (large and small, italic, &c.) dropped from the two front
benches below the Opposition gangway during the last all-night
sitting.
No. 42. Raw material (consisting of a cutting of three lines from the
Roscommon Eagle and Galway Vindicator), from which an hon. member
of the Irish party constructed five half-hour speeches, thirteen questions,
and two adjournments of the House.
No. 51. Instantaneous photograph of Mr. Biggar's smile, in fifteen
stages of development.
No. 69. The Blue Books, with those leaves turned down from which
Irish patriots spun Parliamentary speeches of the length of 4+ hours,
3 ditto, 2 ditto, and I ditto, respectively.
No. 71. Irish bulls, made out of nothing.
No. 74. Phrenological charts of the heads of the supporters of the
hon. Member for Dungarvan (curiously interesting). Other equally
notable exhibits in this class I must leave for the present.
In Section C, Class I, Land League Industries, I have marked for
mention :-
No. I. 100o IRISH GRIEVANCES AND HARDSHIPS, made with con-
siderable ingenuity out of a ream or two of cheap flimsy and a few
penny bottles of ink.
No. 20.* A large pyramid, painted yellow, representing the amount
of unpaid rents paid in to the savings bank accounts of the tenants
owing the same in 1879-80, and i880-1.
No. 21. A curious note is appended to this number in the catalogue
which explains the vacant space left between No. 20* and 22. It is
this : "This exhibit took the shape of a globe, supposed to be of solid
gold, representing the approximate value of the Saxon capital scouted
from wouldd Oireland' since the foundation of the Land League. The
Committee regret to add, that after the completion of this interesting
object, it was found that the doors of the building were too small to
admit of its introduction. It will be found, however, in a special annexe."
After gloating over this proof of the Land League's powers and
prowess, the Irish "patriot" will doubtless proceed to gloat over the
exhibits in the "Chamber of Horrors," a most realistic collection in
wax of "one year's outrages on men and beasts."
For myself, one glance at these accumulated tragedies was enough to
send me hastily into the open air, and I have never had the heart to
pluck up courage to return and see the rest of the Irish Land League
"Industries." Perhaps, though, I am extra-specially squeamish, Sir I

CETEWAYO was recently invited to the Stock Exchange by several of
the members, but his sable Majesty respectfully declined to "share"
their hospitality. Perhaps he thought they wanted to rig" him, as
they do the "market" at times; perhaps he thought he might meet
"bulls" and "bears there; or maybe he fancied he had had enough
experience of "bonds" in Capetown.

THE papers say it has been very hot at Alexandria, but is now much
cooler. Quite so. Our troops cooled the warmth-of the natives.


DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.

F OFFICES-1 LADI ES L ANb LEACH UE






1- ,' 1,


NEw SERIES. No. S.-A Fo.Al' in-DITTV.
AIR-The Iplishity-Flop Young Man,.
I'm always a reading-the-news young man,
An up-to-the-time-of-day one;
A seldom-expressing-my-views young man,
But (probably) quite au faith one.
I purchase and read (Echo),*
And mostly succeed (Echo)
In taking in all that I scan;
A flinging a brown-ery,
Reading to town-ery,
Jotting it down-ery
Man.
I 'm a most energetic young man,
A far from -esthetic young man,
A rapidly spot-tery,
Quickly down jot-tery,
Afterwards use young man.
A not-very-easily-tired young man
In looking for things to know, sirs,
And so I'm a see-they 've-acquired young man,
A "grand old statue" at Bow, sirs.
That somebody calls (Echo)
For free days at Paul's (Echo).]-
And Walsh is convicted (bad scran I
A rousing suspicion-y,
Awkward position-y,
foster sedition-y
Man).
I 'm a far-from-a-geesish young man,
Or Irish police-ish young man,
A finding mare's nest-ery,
Frequent arrest-ery,
Mr. H. George young man.
I'm a see-Lady's-Land-League-dissolved young man
(Which tickles my sense of humour);
A that-they 've-had-whitehait evolved young man
In spite of the other rumour.
Sir Garnet's out there (Erho),
As all are aware (Echo) .+
And now he's developed his plan,
A spur-y and boot-ery,
Stopping their loot-ery,
Arabi shooter
Man.
But I 'm not a seditious young man,
A statement flagitious young man,
A fined for contempt-ery
Not held exempt-ery
Though an M.P., young man.
One ha'penny. t From the whispering gallery. t Answers "where ?

THE Spaniards have evidently a desire to go grouse-shooting. At all
events, it is said they have designs on the Moors.









FFUN.


IA


"ALL work and no play make Jack a' dull boy I "
shouted the Blue Book. "Let's shut up shop, and
have a gentle holiday. I'm sick of Parliament-it's
too hot even to suspend Callan any more. If I wasn't
a respectable Blue Book, I'd tell the world outside
what a rush the Premier made at the salmon d la Norvgienne during the
Ministerial Whitebait Dinner, on Wednesday night, at the Trafalgar. I'd
tell 'em, too, how he wolfed down the anguiles d la diable, how he mixed his
drinks, and combined '51 port with '74 Jules Camuset."
"Let's name the Blue Book," wildly cried Sir Wilfrid Lawson. (Loud cries
of "Order.") Then the Blue Book rose to order. Do you withdraw your
-- statement?" said Sir Wilfrid. The Chairman here interposed, and said both
the Blue Book and Sir Wilfrid were out of order.
Things were getting warm all round, when the tramp of footsteps was heard
in the distance, and that Grand Old Man himself appeared, followed by porters
bearing heavy parcels.
Before we retire for our well-earned recess," said the Premier, I propose
making a few presents to not only Members of our Parliament, but to those at
-Y- the head of affairs in foreign States. For instance, let us send 21 lbs. of soft
soap to the Emperor of All the Russias; a peace-offering, in the shape of a
truffled bluhwurst, to Prince Bismarck; a skin of garlic to the King of Spain;
a gammon of bacon to the Sultan; a pdd defois-gras to Gambetta; a sheep's
tongue to Tohn Bright; a kippered herring to Cetewayo ; two fine young calves
to Henry Irving; a bottle of capers to Henry Stacey Marks; a box of Roths-
child Partagas to J. E. Millais ; a bottle of kid reviver to friend Bradlaugh ;
I cwt. of washing powder to the Home Rulers; a box of seidlitz powders to Sir
Wilfrid Lawson; and I propose we present Mr. Callan with a few dog bis-
cuits."
Name I" cried Sir Wilfrid. "I name the Premier, I name the Blue Book,
I name everybody. Hang it all I let's all go out and have a lemon-squash."
So ended the present Session.. r ,.... :.








AUGUST 23. 1882 EIJN. 83


A PRETTY PASS!
In reply to a question the other day, Sir William Harcourt stated that the Channel
Tunnel borings were still being pushed forward in defiance of the order of the Court
to the contrary, the work having advanced many feet since the order was given ; and
that the Government were seeking advice as to what steps should be taken in the
matter (! !)


A PRETTY affair I is at present our text,
And "What are we coming to? Bless us What next ?
Odds bobs Highty tight !" and What's in the air ?"
And Mussy upon us I" and "Well, we declare !"
Still boring the Tunnel-a pretty to-do !-
In spite of the law and the Government too I
Still boring the Tunnel, this insolent band,
Defying the rulers and laws of the land.
Odds bobs is the law such a feeble affair
For a parcel of paltry directors to dare ?
Does Government rule, we would fain understand,
Or the Submarine Company govern the land ?
Beshrew us I what next ? Do we puddle, and make
A show of deciding what course we shall take,
And parley, and falter, and linger in doubt?
Good heavens Sir William, what are we about ?
Why, where 's the alternative course to adopt ?
The Court has commanded-the works to be stopt.
The order's derided- the work doesn't cease-
The thing is a matter of simple police."
Defied by a trumpery company-pshaw I
Pray, who is this Watkin that laughs at the law ?
Some baron with thousands of spears in his train ?-
A poor little chairman We must be insane 1
Excuse us, Sir William; we 're sorry to chaff,
But truly we thought you were wiser by half;
If a matter so simple confuses you thus,
Why, hand us your powers, and leave it to us I
Our Office Boy's free, and he's somewhere about;
He'll go for the warrant and carry it out ;
He 's up to the matter, we beg to announce,
He's not to be moved by impertinent bounce.
Odds bobs I Highty tighty A chairman to flout
The laws and the- Mercy I A pretty set out I
Zounds I Law and Authority left in the lurch I
Why-tut and tomfoolery 1-hand us a birch I *
We are glad to see our remarks have had the necessary effect, and Sir William
has at length put his foot down.-ED.

The Closure.
WE have just come across a most remarkable work, entitled "Shut
your Mouth," by Mr. Geo. Catlin, in which every known and unknown
malady is traced to the too common habit of sleeping with the mouth
open. It seems that the savages are wiser than we, for they train their
children to breathe through the proper organ-the nose-and in con-
sequence are free from all the ills that civilized flesh is heir to. It is to
be hoped the warnings contained in this volume will not be disregarded,
for it cannot be denied that the majority of Englishmen open their mouths
too wide.


TURF CUTTINGS.
HOLIDAYS AND TENNIS.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
Derbyshire, Tuesday Week.
IR,-I don't know whether I have ever
mentioned to you that I have some
respectable relatives; whether I
have or not, I have. You did your
SIF best the other day to prevent my having
R -_le a holiday, but as I was in cash I meant
having one, and I am. I'm having it
:\ with some of those relatives. "But
where the necessity of the cash," you
ask, "to visit relatives?" Well, you
see (passing over the question of rail-
way fares, &c.), they don't put on
smiles of welcome when I come with-
out cash. (My language is rather figu-
gt r rative just here, for I've never seen
them rnaly put on smiles of welcome,
S now I come to think of it, at any
Timee) They say unless I've plenty of
my own, I 'm always borrowing theirs,
and so, whenever I appear at their
doors, they make me show a full purse
(as if it was an admission ticket) be-
fore they'll let me in. I don't often
go there, for reasons which I will not specify; but they have some
splendid whisky, and they don't lock it up/
Well, Sir, I 'm there now ; and they 've been teaching me tennis.
Before going further, however, I must ease the anxious minds of the
multitudes who await my
TIP FOR THE EBOR HANDICAP.
Though the Old Man is enjoying a holiday
Tips '11 be up to time;
All of a very superior quoliday
(How do you like the rhyme ?)
Then you'll observe how his wisdom and rectitude
Shine in the tips he'll give,
Naming the winner with faultless exectitude
(That is a rhyme to live).
Taking the Ebor, there's Victor Em'anuel,
Does it, his worth to tell,
Need the prophetical powers of a Danuel ?
(That's a good rhyme as well).
Some take Berzencze, and some very gaily 'll
Back Privateer like mad,
Others have taken a fancy to Baily'll
(That's the best rhyme we've had).
Then Prestonpans is alluded to frequently
(Good for a place, that 's flat),
Many are backing it freely consequently
(Very good rhyme is that).
Notice that Mary-le-bone is a plucky one,
Notice me make this hit-
Ishmael surely will turn out the lucky one
(Rhyme isn't nice a bit).
As I said before, they 've been teaching me tennis. Tennis is a game
I have always regarded as unsuited to my age and dignity, also to my
rheumatism; but they tell me, in Derbyshire, that it gives rise to the
most piquant and graceful attitudes in the player-it was a lady said
that-so why shouldn't I be piquant and graceful?
Tom and Bob and Bell and I made up a set. There was some dispute
as to sides, till Bell said she "didn't mind playing with me. Bell said
I must go into the court. I said, What 's it for this time ? but she
said I needn't try to be funny, and put me in a corner of the grass among
those white lines I'd often admired from a distance; then she gave me
six little balls and told me to "serve." I saw at once that six balls among
four players wouldn't "go," so I said, How many each ? Nonsense I
serve them right in front," she said, impatiently. I said, "It does serve
them right in front, but what have they done?" "Hit them over the
net, you great stupid I" she cried, sharply. What, Tom and Bob? "
said I ; "why, they're two to one, and ever so much the younger."
" Hit the balls over the net," she returned, with high-pitched emphasis.
She was getting angry at something, so I did as I was told-or tried to.
It was a very interesting game, and I'll tell you all about it in my next.
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
Frequently, but we ve never felt ourselves bound to believe it.-Ev. FUN.


tr To CORRRSPONDENTS.- The Edit"o does not -bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay aor Contributions. In go case will thev hp eturnd V/ uMIss
-w'afnied hvr slo'nAs'd and dfrfrfrd ent-'r"'^,








84 FUN. AUGUST 23, 1882.


PUTTING IT IN A POLITE, NOT TO SAY TENDER, MANNER.
Keeper (to Smith, whe has just put a few shots into the said Kaeper's favourite Dog).-" IF YE THINK YE 'D DAR BETTER WI'OUT THE
DOWG, SIR, A CAN EASY TAK' HIM HAME. HE'S A VERRA NASTY HABIT 0' RINNIW' TOWARDS THE MIZZLE 0' THE GUN."


CURT COMMENTS.
THE restoration of Cetewayo has brought a frightful howl from the
Conservative Press, one evening paper, calling him the "murderous
monster," accuses him of having killed his father Panda. It is a thou-
sand pities they should thus pander to a policy of injustice.
It is somewhat singular that while Messrs. Parnell and Dillon were
receiving the freedom of the City of Dublin, another Irish M. P. was
having his taken from him. The sentence of three months' imprison-
ment awarded the proprietor of the Freaenan's Journal was a startler.
We believe Mr. E. D. Gray turned quite white.

Eau! iaul
STRANGELY enough, the man on whom Alexandria depends in its
extremity for a supply of water is a Mr. Cornish We say "strangely"
because it is the part of a Cornishman to be associated with the "Lands-
end," rather than with the "end of the water."

Not an "Uniform" Practice.
A SALISBURY old clo' man has been heavily fined for buying his uni-
form from a private of Marines. Should the private have taken it to a
marine-store dealer then, or to whom ?


"FUN'S" FUNNY BOOKS.
FULL OF COMIC PICTURES.
ONE SHILLING EACH. Post-free, Xs. 21d.

"FUN'S" COMICAL CREATURES.
One Hundred and Forty Grotesque Pictures by ERNEST GRISET.
In which some amusing prose and verse serve as accompaniment to more than six
score of very amusing woodcuts, .from grotesque drawings of animals by Ernest
Griset."- eekly Diefatch.

"FUN'S" HOLIDAY BOOK.
COMIC PICTURES ON EVERY PAGE.
"It is replete with wit and humour, and admirably suited for leisure reading."
FUN 0 N THE SAND S.-Comic Pictures on very Page.
For the road, rail. and river.
THE ESSENCE OF FUN.-Comic Pictures on Every Page.
Rich in illustration and teeming with jokes."
THE EXTRACT OF FUN.-Comic Pictures on Every Page.
Adnirabl fitted to while away an hour or twoof a tedious railway journey."
"FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, E.C.


S A H Possesses the fNRll NEW BREAKFAST & AFTER-
M 0. the ordinary oil, but is absolutely free from
A n& od o. ad unlesnt t su..... e Ri ...U.N U D INNER BEVERAGE,
'It is taken both by children and adult PUREu COFFEE COMBINED
SwhoKu the slightt diiculty It pos- WITH MALT iBYPATENTl RO-
"TASTELESS" sesses a the advantages claimed for it.' CESS. ASSISTS DIGESTION.
-LanceS, March 4, x882. "As a breakfast beverage it is un-
C AS T O R The A. & A. Casteur 011 is an entirely B surpassed."-Dr. SANDERSON.
new artide, and if not In stock can be M.R.C.S. "A nourishing and
readily procured by any Chemist. In health-producing article of diet."-
W I W Bottles iat 6d., is.. zs. 9d., 3s.. and 9 s. E. DAVIES, F.C.S., &c. "Most
beneficil in cases of atonic indiges.
SOLE MANUFACTURERS, tion."-Dr. ADAM, M.R.C.S. Eng.
0 L ALLEN & HANBURYS, Retail/frm all Grocers, Druggistr, &c.
LONDON. PrepS doly MALT COFFEE WORKS,34 FLEETST,,LIVERPOOL
London: Printed by Dalaiel Brothern, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at 1a3 Fleet Street, X.C.
Wednesday, August 2ard, r88.









AUGUST 30, 1882.


FUN.


-C- ~ -~


SEASIDE ENERGY.
"A change of scene is the best brain tonic."-FAMILY DOCTOR.
Harold (perpendicular) to Arthur (horizontal).-" How DO, OLD F'LAR? BUSY?" Arthur.-" VA-AS."
Harold.-" SAME WITH ME. PICTURE FINISHED YET?"
Arthur.-" GETTING ON FIRST-RATE. I'M STUDYING SKIES. DONE YOUR THREE-VOLUME NOVEL?"
Harold.-"NOT QUITE. THINKING OUT THE OPENING CHAPTER, THOUGHl"


THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER AT BRIGHTON.
CHER MON REDACTEUR,-How are you, old fellows? and how is
your Flit Strit, your great dusty, hot, noisy Ldons to-days ? I am out
of towns. I have esloped, cut my forlunate-zat is my lucky-and here
I am at your Brighton, vare I inhale ze ozone. I blow ze kees to ze
pretty girl ; I go sail; I haze ; I lie in ze vatare, put up my umbrella to
keep of ze sun, and I light my cigar; and vat can you vish for more? as
your poet ask.
I am here vit my friend Jollidogue, he show me ze places of interest,
as your leetle boy say ven his papa direct him to ze broke-pawner, I mean
ze pawner-broken-pfste!-ze pawn-brokare. It is ze morning aftare I have
arrive; ve estroll along ze Esplanade. I am bevildared. I am charmed.
He tell me zare is ze new peer. I say "ze vich, and vy vas he made a
milord ? but he tell me he mean ze beautiful pier vare ze band play.
He say ze ozzare pier is ze Chain Pier, and yen I ask if it is in zat style
considered peerless, he say ze vezzare is too esultry for zat sort of sing.
He demand, have I evare heard of ze pavilion, and I say all at vonce,
" Have I not, my boys? Is it ze Pavilion you say, vy it vas zare zat I
hear ze charmeeng ballads, Ve are going to do vitzout zem.'" Jollidogue
zink he nevare meet a cure such as I, and add zat it is ze palace of George
ze Fourt zat he speak of. Ve visit ze beautiful pavilion, but ven Jolli-
dogue say it vas built by Beneash, I ask him vat he talk about; but I
see he mean it was designed by ze Beau Nash, ze dear old pals of ze
Prince who vas Regent. Next he speak to me of ze celebrated "Stain;"
but it is ver long before I comprehend vat stain he mean. At last I
discovare he is pointing out ze charming Steyne."
Of all ze up and downs of life, sare, give me ze locally breezy Briehton
Downs, vich spread out like anozzare sea, as green and as large. Ve go
back to ze parade, Jollidogue suggest ve '" take a fly to ze Devil's
Dyke." I hope zat ze air of Brighton agree vit Jollidogue. I trust zat
zare is nozzing wrong vit him; mais, mafoi, I do not at all see at vat he is
driving, nor do I vant to zee anysink to do vit ze diable. I say, "Jolli-


dogue, old mans, vat is up-are you alrights ? He say zat certainly,
and ve vill go take fly to ze awful place he mention, for ze view is delight-
ful. I say, "Look here, old chaps, I cannot fly ; nor if I can vill I fly
to ze dyke of any devil." Zen Jollidogue he have vat your newspaper call
roars of laughters, and he say by a fly he mean ze cab, and ze Devil's
Dyke is ze great sight outside Brighton. Ve go. You Engleesh, if ze
beautiful Veald vere a thousand miles avay, you vould spend heaps of
monies and time to see it, and vould come back to Angleterre and vat
you call gush of it till everybodies vas sick of listening to you ; but you
are an estrange nation.
N'importe, FgUNS, old fellow, come down and join Jollidogue and me.
Come and sit on ze sea and trow stones in ze beach. Come and gaze
on loyally voman in her pot hats, her tartan coats, her vite ties, and her
scarf-pins. Come to Brighton, it vill brighten you up a bit. Mille
fardons for zat last, put it down to ze vezzare, ze loyally vomans, ze
ozone, and ze--(Heidseck l J.Jollidovue).

Osier-y!
CETEWAYO'S bringing that beautiful Zulu basketwork for the Queen's
acceptance can hardly be called a wicker'd proceeding-especially as he
meant to present it withies most respectful manner.

The Tin-bellies again.
THE ponderous chargers of the Life Guards have caused more sensa-
tion than their riders. In fact, the presence of such strange horses more
than atones for the absence of the Life Guards' "queer-asses."

IT is said that there is, among other useful products, a deal of madder
in Tripoli. But Italy's desire to annex that country is, if true, still
madder.


VOL. XXXVI.-NO. 903


85









86 F T NT. AUGUST 30, 1882.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
HERE is strong
Evidence in the
title given by
Mr. Robert
Dodson to his
new play (with
which the Sur-
rey has re-
opened for the
season) of a
disposition im-
bued with the
keenest satire,
for anything
less like Real
c Lmfe than most
of the incidents
therein de-
picted it would
be hardish to
find. If this
remark con-
veys the im-
T H get o t f t r t w l T n depression that it
THE SURREv. MR. J. (GOING TO TURN A) SOMERSET. issin t hat
roughly bad
play, it commits an injustice, because it is a fairly well-constructed
piece, and displays considerable stage knowledge (historical and other-
wise), besides a certain amount of bustle.

There is vague talk of the murder of a woman, by which one John
Gilbert (somehow) has gained immense wealth; he has had many ac-
complices (the lady must have been hard to murder), but only one of
them, that old man who has "forged the will," troubles him; he will
give him no assistance, however (has him in his power with a "certain
paper "-more vagueness), which seems to have a fatal effect upon the
old man, for he gets more squalid every day, and, in spite of his declar-
ing "wahr-wahr to the knaife I" does nothing but whine for coppers for
two acts. Then the hero gets into a scrape and the Old Bailey, but seems
to get out of it pretty well. Then there's "the gyurl" that Gilbert
wants out of the way (goodness knows why!). He is going to have her
decoyedd to infamy," but rather weakly allows himself to be prevented
at the last moment by the hero. Then he will have her consigned to
a madhouse, and a certificate, signed by a woman and a lawyer's clerk
(which we all know to be the proper form of certificate), is produced;
but again the hero intervenes with the ubiquitous revolver, and he is
foiled- and so on; there's plenty of fun, but no particular method.

The principal fault appears to be the failure to create strong interest
of any kind; in fact, the whole thing seems to want "shaking up."
There is only one incident. Truly, it turns up, at a rough calculation,
about half a dozen times in an act, but it is the same incident never-
theless. It consists of a rough-and-tumble struggle, with or without
pistols, of some squalid villains with the police, who, as they "know


THE SURREY.-MR. DOBELL (as the hero). "SHE SHALL NOT QUIT THIS
HOUSEl" (DOBELL OR QUITS.)

their men," show a want of resource in not coming down upon them in
force which is at least remarkable.


The scenery is of the best, and reflects much credit on Mr. Gwilt
Jolly, particularly the sets of London Docks and Victoria Station; and
the cast is good. Messrs. Nye, Bell, and Cruikshanks are really excellent


THE SURREY.-PRETTY "GOINGS ON!"

performers ; the Misses Claremont are, as ever, a tower of strength to the
management, and Miss Alice Raynor, when she has learned the value of
gradation and proportion to cause in the display of emotion, will be an
acquisition to any cast. Mr. J. Somerset, as a weird and wild nonde-
script of India-rubber-like springiness and inordinate length, is in-
tensely, if pantomimically, funny.

There are some strange things in the playbill. Mr. Cruikshanks is
down for Alex Grey, but if Grey were he, he must have gone in for
some Elixir of Youth or something; and who then was it that played
the pitiful old gentleman they called Pontifex, but who did not appear
in the bill at all? Besides, wasn't Mr. James Nelson somewhere about ?
If so, what did he play ? Again, Mr. Algernon Syms, as Finch, was no
more my idea of "a Yedikin (which is not very definite) than Mr.
Somerset (see initial), as Curly, was my idea of "a detective," Yet
that programme describes them as such.

A Prince of Egypt is reigning at the Richmond Theatre, Surrey. I
have not been able to see it, but I know it is by Mr. Squier, and has
no connection with the prints of Egypt now so numerous in the illus-
trated papers.

Besides this, they want Mr. Harris to put a brick partition up in his
theatre. He objects, naturally enough, to the partition. (We can all
sympathize
with the man
who objects to l
part). Miss
Fanny Daven-
port, from i
across "the big-
at Toole's in
Mr. Mortimer's a
translation of
Diane de Lys, I
believe, on the
9th prox.-hav-
ing a sort of
under-Lys of
the theatre, goes
the report.
When the Da-
venport opens
we shall see if
there is any-
thing in it;
Herr Meyer
Lutz has strung
his lutes, and THE SURREY.-THE SAD (PoNT)IFEX OF CRIIIFe.
written the
music of a comic opera, for which Mr. Soutar has provided Soutarble
words; Lecocq has written a new opera, Le Cour et la Main (if the
"hand" is good the "heart" ought to be atrumpcard to play); and Miss
Baldwin has taken her Mother into the provinces. NESTOR.









AUGUST 30, 1882

The First in the Field
YE gentlemen of Engerland
Who stayed at home at ease,
Your opportunity's at hand-
So seize it, if you please.
Give o'er regretting, men of nous,
Because you couldn't go
And shoot the highly flighty grouse
Somewhere about Glencoe.
We 've something better on the card
Than Scotia could bring;
You won't regret you 've been debarred
Your little Highland fling.
So throw your vain regrets afar,
And with a merry burst
Emit a resonant "Hurrah 1"
To-morrow is the FIRST I
Ye gentlemen of Engerland,
Your hammerless C F.s,
By Holland, Purdy, Lang. and Bland,
Those gun-producing chefs,
Come, take them from their leather "keeps,"
Where many months they 've been,
And fill your cartridge-belts with heaps
Of Messrs. Eley's "green."
Come, don your heavy shooting-clogs,
Your Norfolk jacket free,
And whistle to your knowing dogs,
And come along with me;
And throw your vain regrets afar,
And with a merry burst
Emit a resonant Hurrah 1"
To-morrow is the FIRST.
Let 's go along that turnip-field;
I'll wager my renown
That little dyke is sure to yield
Some "bonny birds and brown."
See, Browser stiffens I Look ahead !
Let's pray they may not run-
Whirr I There they rise Now give 'em lead-
Bang I bang !-a brace-well done I
Good gracious, though I quite forgot-
I 've led you all astray-
Enthusiasm I'll be shot-
This ain't the opening day.
You must not give your loud Hurrah I"
And its attendant burst ;
We have no business where we are-
This is the Thirty-first.


THE OCCUPATION OF THF SuIZ CANAT.-Getting itself
silted up.


FUN.


COCKNEY AND SCOT.
Snorkins.-"AH I YOU FINE BIG FELLERS ARE VERY WELL TO DO THE
FIGHTING, BUT ALL THE GREAT GENERALS 'AVE BIN LITTLE MEN ABOUT
MY SIZE, FULL OF TALENT AND PLUCK-WELLINGTON I NAPOLEON I SIR
GARNIT AND CETERA."
Sergeant Donald.-" HECH, MON I NEITHER WELLINGTON, NAPOLEON,
NOR SIR GARNET COULD HAE HAD THE PLUCK TO SMOKE THE CIGAR
YOU 'RE CONSUMING, OR WOULD HAE DAURED TO HAE WORN THE HAT
YOU LIFT ABOOT WI' YE; BUT THE GENERAL CETERA I DON'T KNOW
ABOOT AT ALL. IS HE A FURRINER?"


NEW LEAVES
"Our Noble Selves," by the Author of Notes on the Months" (T.
Fisher Unwin).-This is an entertaining book, containing a vast amount
of quaint and curious information about Grantham surnames,-and our-
selves are noble, we Grant-em.
"Father Matthew," a Biography by John Francis Maguire, M.P.
(Burns and Oates).-A most desirable and welcome (cheap) edition of
this well-known life of the Apostle of Temperance," who laboured so
long and so earnestly to uplift his fellow-men from the degrading depths
of drunkenness ; it ought to be in the hands of all who wish well to them-
selves and others, and cannot be too widely disseminated.
"Roughing It" and "The Innocents at Home," by Mark Twain
(George Routledge and Sons).-These books of exquisite humour, ably
and amply illustrated with 200 drawings by F. A. Fraser, form a volume
well worth "roughing it" by all our "innocents at home."
Uncle Remus," by Joel Chandler Harris (same firm).-The humour
of these laughable stories is in this volume greatly enhanced by the
fifty admirable illustrations by Mr. A. T. Elwes, whose capabilities have
done full justice to the author.
"Cook's Excursionist. "-This and the excursion season just fit-
cooked to a turn, and return." That's the ticket-the season ticket I
Art and Letters.-The chief engraving in this month's issue is from
Mihaly Munkacsy's fine picture of Milton Dictating Paradise Lost to
his Daughters "-a noble work. But there are many others of worthy
companionship; while the articles on "Carle Vernet" and "Modern
Landscape are full of interest.


The Way to "Beat" Them.
MR. CAVENDISH-BENTINCK, in his speech at Whitehaven the other
day, said, "It would have done just as well if, at the commencement
of the Egyptian crisis, the Government had sent out a hundred police-
men." Why, certainly. The charges they would have made would
not have been so startling as those made by our troops and those
emanating from our guns. Moreover, each policeman, like a general,
has a "staff" all to himself; and the natives, instead of being run
through, as doubtless many were, would only have been "i un in." In
fact, Mr. Bentinck would have us think that it was the "force," and
not the forces, that was needed. But why ever did he not suggest it
before we went to all this expense? Bobbies are said to be partial to the
area; but would a hundred of them have sufficed for so large an area as
that covered by the seat of war ?

But Boys will be Boys.
YES, retrospection pretty nearly always makes us feel seriously. It's
a great question whether the pleasure of that kiss, which lasted one
second, was worth the pain of that box on the ears, which lasted at least
five minutes.

TAKING THE CUT DIRECT."-Sir Garnet's occupation of the Suez
Canal.
THE Censorship of Telegrams from Egypt is again established. No
wonder the daily papers are censor-ious.








88 FU N AUGUST 30, 1882.


THE UNREASONABLE GRATITUDE OF
J. BULL.
Some time since one of the Irish Members-we forget his honoured name-declared
his intention of asking a question about every atrocity which should be committed in
England from that time forth; and the other day Mr. O'Donnell rose to call atten-
tion te the flogging of Indian prisoners, whereon the Marquis of Hartington said that
more than once he had paid a fair tribute to the service rendered by the haon. Member
in bringing facts under the notice of the House.




li


THv MVinibcr for Erin was brimming and full
Of grim and unchangeable hate for John Bull;
By noting his mien it was easy to judge
That he longed to get at him, and owed him a grudge.
To the rest of the world-to the general run-
It was rather uncertain what Johnny had done ;
But the Member (a person of sensitive stuff)
Thought Johnny had "wronged" him, and that was enough,
So the Member for Erin devoted his mind
To planning revenge of a suitable kind,
And lit on a scheme that appeared to combine
The sharp and the crushing, the deep and condign.
He laid himself out, in pursuance of this,
To ferret out all that was queer or amiss,
Or meet to be blamed or commented upon
In the premises, ways, and belongings of John.
But the queer and unnatural part of the game
Was the manner of John when the Irishman came
And told him of this and the other defect-
Which manner was such as you wouldn't expect.
Said the Member for Erin, "Your garments are torn ;
The cat's in the pantry ; the cow 's in the corn ;
He he I and your butter 's the rankest of ranks."
To which the preposterous Johnny said, Thanks "
His mind was of such a ridiculous mould,
He proceeded to profit by what he was told,
And mended his coat, and disposed of the fat,
And calmly corrected the cow and the cat.
Said the Member for Erin, to grieve and distress,
"Your cheque is dishonoured-they 've marked it N S. ;'
Your baby's awake and beginning to squall;
And your water-butt's leaking like goodness and all !"
Then Johnny went off and proceeded to make
A fuss at his bankers' about the mistake,
In no way neglecting to duly set square
The rest of the matters requiring his care,
"Bedad I" screamed the Member, beginning to foam,
"Your house is on fire, and your children at home !
And your latest investment is rotten and bad,
And closing unsteady, and falling like mad I "
And Johnny, with smiling urbanity, rose,
SAnd rescued his children, and sent for the hose;
And then (on his broker's removing all doubt
About that investment) discreetly sold out.
Said Johnny, Oh, how shall I ever repay
The favours you 've done, in an adequate way ?
Your many good offices make me aware
Of a burden of gratitude heavy to bear.


If the rest of the Members for Erin I've met
Would follow the lovely example you set-
Detecting, instead of encouraging, crime-
How very much better a use for their time "
The Member for Erin strode slowly away;
And, as for the word he was noticed to say,
It's a matter on which we would rather not speak;
But he was considered unsafe for a week.

TURF CUTTINGS.
STILL HOLIDAYS AND TENNIS.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
Derbyshire, Tuesday Week.
SIR,-About that game of tennis. The first ball I played struck the
net and stayed there, so I smiled around as if that was my artful way
of beginning; everybody looked solemn, then my smile died away,
though I fancied I heard some one say it wasn't my fault. I determined
if the second ball didn't go over it should go through the net, at least.
I struck it a mighty bang; it did go over the net-and over the wall
-and over a high tree-and over some farm buildings in the distance-
and soared far, far out of sight, and has never returned to its sorrowing
companions since. Bell stamped her foot as Bob shouted something
from the other end, and said irritably, "You ought to have seen these
are old-fashioned balls, and not those heavy new ones." I said, "Of
course I thought they were the latest fashion," and tried again. This
time I got it neatly over the net. Tom caught it on his bat and sent it
back; meantime I sent my fourth ball also neatly over the net just as
Bell caught the other, then I sent the fifth. Confusion ensued. They
all stopped playing, and explained loudly that I was a "paralytic
driveller," and that only one ball at a time could be "in play." I said,
"I thought I had to serve the lot," and smiled again. I began to un-
derstand it a little
better presently,
--' and wondered if I
was looking pi-
11-'i quant yet. Some-
l ''''. times in my wild
efforts to get at a
Ball I'm sure I be-
came a many-limb-
ed creature all
arms and legs. I
didn't know how
we scored, or what
..... we scored, or if
we scored at all.
A iL Am s aN LFtGt. I asked Bell.
"We 're fifteen,
and they're fifteen too," she replied, as Bob sent the ball smack at my
head-" and there's one for your nob," she added with a grin. That
girl's always grinning-she has good teeth. After play had gone on a
bit I asked again. She said, Thirty-love I nearly made a well-
known joke then, but I reflected what pain it had given me when I saw
it in my favourite "comic" for the sixth time, and refrained. 1 only
said, "Well, but what's become of the fifteen they had just now?"
"That was another game, 3ou dim-eyed dodderer, she replied with
scorn. "But I thought we were only going to have one game ? I don't
feel inclined for more than one game; you see-- Oh, bother I"
exclaimed my fair companion, "a sett's one game, idiot, and it takes
six games to make a sett-there This seemed to muddle matters
more than ever, but Bob was just serving, and that girl is so sharp-
Bob's ball soared
towards me-a
lovely ball; Imade- .'_
a dash, slipped, and A
away it went. Bob .. -
must have gone on
serving at a tre-
mendous rate, for
the balls kept strik-
ing me like a can-
nonade. There I
seemed sixty balls
instead of six, well
aimed too-- they J, (
seemed to make a
regular set at me. VANTAGE "
I scrambled to my
feet, and they said the sett was all over. I felt it all over, any way.
There were more than six balls lying about, and when I asked how that
arose, they said it was "Vantage," and laughed a good deal. And so
no more at present from yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.





























PLAYING AT "TOUCH."
(See Cartoon.)
IN the home of the Pharaohs-the land of old Nile-
Where the gay Cleopatra once flourished in style,
A nice little game is proceeding.
The chased one the game very awkward may find,
While certain big boys, looking on from behind,
The sport are most cautiously heeding.
Among these spectators, who idly stand by,
Is Turkey, uncertain, and half on the cry ;
He isn't in love with the "rules" over much,
So he's not yet allowed to go playing at "touch."
La belle France (whom the game will affect as to pelfl
Exclaims, "I shan't play catch the fellow yourself"
(Meaning Arabi-he who is running).
And England's Sir Garnet, a cool-headed blade,
Some clever manoeuvres has recently made
That will cripple this Arabi's cunning.
Other big boys of Europe are waiting, you see,
Till Sir Garnet has made Master Arabi "he; "
And when once that smart youth's in the British boys' clutrh,
'T will be long ere again he goes playing at touch."
But when by young England this Arabi's caught,
And his share in the game to a standstill is brought,
Those bystanding boys, who are grinning,
Will be eager, no doubt, to have something to say,
And will want to "stand in" in the usual way-
And then will a "row" be beginning !
But, meanwhile, the bondholding parties show glee,
For this game, on the whole, means to them /. s. d.; "
But though Britain will vanquish tlese "rebels "and such,
Will that A/" the end of this playing at touch "?

















/


K K


I^


v 7


PTIAN GAME OF "TOUCH."


Z7


7:7


Alk


AFTER ARABI,




















AMATEUR STRATEGY.
(The- Latest Farce Out.)
SCENE-IN ANY OMNIBUS.
THE FULHAM CAKSAR-
THAT flanking move of Alison
Was againstt all rules, though clever
Undoubtedly. I should have shone
In some more rare endeavour;
I should have locked up Suez so
The rebels would have felt a
Completely flabbergasting blow :
But where-where is the Delta?
THE MOLTKE OF MORTLAKE-
In my plan, though that dense Horse Guard
Won't listen to it, I've a
Ride that might suit the good Court card
Of him who rode to Khiva.
I 'd mount our troops on camels' backs,
And never trust to footmen;
And, to replace the income tax,
Let British Uhlans loot men.
THE VAUBAN OF VICTORIA-
What are our generals about ?
Our country's to be pitied,
The few who're not reduced by gout
Are princes or half-witted ;
To save the famed Canal you've but
(Since other countries buyed it)
To calmly go and simply cut
One more canal beside it.
THE BROMPTON BONAPARTE-
That flank move may be very well,
The circuit I 'd make wider,
But there's a dodge a bit more swell -
It strikes a mere outsider :
These martinets are merely kids,
Why don't they put a man on,
And utilize the Pyramids
For planting of their cannon ?
THE PIMIuCO WELLINGTON-
If Arabi had only half
The genius that here lodges,
How very loudly he would laugh
At all their childish dodges !
I wouldn't Wolseley on the land,
Nor Seymour on three-decker,
But simply place in high command
A chap as reads his Echer.








AUGUST 30, 1882. FUN 93


ELBOWED OUT OF IT.
HE was of commanding stature-a giant, in fact. True, there was
nothing at all engaging in his face; on the contrary, his countenance
was about as horribly unprepossessing as it could be, there being little
else besides crime legible in it.
But he appeared to be of the utmost importance, and evidently knew
it, and asserted his advantage : everywhere he went he elbowed all others
out of the way, and took the front place; and, owing to his enormous
bulk, he had little difficulty in so doing.
He stalked off of a morning to make a round of calls upon the editors:
he had no argument with the office boy about the editors' being or not
being out, or particularly engaged just at present, or indisposed, or gone
down to the seaside; he did not even send in his card, but opened the
doors with a burst, and left them open, and strode into the sanctums (or
sancta, if you like), and took the best chair.
Whereupon the editors would arise, and bow humbly, and hang upon
his words with feverish absorption; and write down three times every
word he had to say; and take minute notes of his personal appearance;
and beg him to talk more; and knock their foreheads on the ground.
But he would not stay long with them, and treated them with the
greatest unconcern and even contempt. Then he would stalk round to
the clubs, and the Houses of Parliament, and finally into private dwel-
lings, being everywhere listened to with the same rapt attention, and
treated with the same homage as the editors had shown. Crowds fol-
lowed him in the streets, eager to catch sight of anything new about
him. Folks discussed him, and inquired about him everywhere, and
always with voices of deep respect and interest.
This sort of thing was in the height of taking place about a couple of
months ago.

We saw him about six weeks ago, and somehow he didn't look so
big: his countenance was certainly quite as forbidding as ever, or even
more so. He was taking his morning stalk round to the editors, but
some of the office boys actually asked him to wait a minute or two.
He chafed at this, and attempted to stride in as of yore; but they
actually expostulated with him.
He tried the clubs, and was certainly admitted; but the members did
not crowd round him as they had before, but just asked how he was, and
chatted a bit. It was the same everywhere.
a *


Just lately, not having noticed him about, we called at the palatial
residence he had occupied. He had left, and we found him in obscure
lodgings in a back slum-at least, we found a shrivelled dwarf who went
by his name.
"Hullo you don't seem quite so big as you used to be," we said.
"They won't let me be," he growled. Divil a ha'porth o' notuce
will they teek av me I If the idditors thimselfs didn't slam the dooors
in me face !"
Did you try the clubs-the Houses of Parliament-private circles?"
"Did I thry ? Did I git onto the dooorsteps, an' did they chuck me
out ? Wirrasthrue I Were they after sayin' divil a scrap was it they
cared about me or me doins? It's all that other villin that done it-
bejabers, let me git a holt av him, if he wasn't so big 1 Elbers me out
everywhere, so he does I Ochone, why was I iver bor-r-r-n ? "
"Why, indeed ? Nobody ever wanted you," we said, and left him-
to dwindle down to nothing, let us hope, unless he can borrow a less
repulsive face.
For the shrivelled dwarf that had been a giant was IRISH AF.


FAIRS, and the new giant who had grown up to elbow him out of sight
was AFFAIRS IN EGYPT. The new giant's countenance is not so
inviting as it might be, but it is quite a relief after the horrible repulsive-
ness of the old one's.

DITTIES OF THE DAY.
ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.




















NEw SERIES. No. 9.-AN AVID-DITTY.
AIR-" Oh, my! Is it a guy ? "
OH gents and fair ladies, I 'd bring to your views
A party who hungers intensely for news;
He dines on it, breakfasts, and suppers, and teas,
Until he's a regular skeleton, please.
He swallows so quickly, it must be contest,
He hasn't so very much time to digest,
And sits, having gobbled up facts by the score,
In feverish eagerness asking for more-with :
"Oh, my I Quick, or I die What is the last that's new.?
Is it a mountain accident, or tale of an arctic crew ?
Has it been cut from a local print ? Is it a wire from camp ?
Has somebody banged a Salvationist with somebody else's gamp ?"
This party insatiate (so for to speak)
Has had a good feed in the course of the week;
He's swallowed the news (it's the sort he prefers)
Of Sellars' election for Haddington Burghs.
He 's swallowed a riot at Aldershot quick,
Some organ-men's homes (which they made him quite sick),
And gulped the Eisteddfod without any fuss,
Yet still has a craving, expressing it thus :
"Oh, my I News, or I die What is the latest game?
Has n't sable monarch come ? Or somebody with a claim ?
Is it an injured Suchait Singh, Rajah of Chumba ? or
Is it a troop of Maories who are hammering at the door ? "
You're likely enough to consider it chaff,
But that isn't all he has swallowed by half;
He 's gleefully swallowed Her Majesty, who
At Parkhurst presented some colours unto
The Second Battalion of Berkshire (which bricks
Were formerly numbered as Sixty-and-six);
He's swallowed some speeches uncommonly tough
From Erin, but says that it isn't enough.
Oh, my I" (that is his cry.) Isn't there anything more ?
Haven't some Austrians in a boat unwarily sought the shore ?
Didn't they prettily go and trust an Arabi flag of truce ?
Weren't they all 'took prisoners,' and ain't it the perfect deuce ?"
And further his tortured digestion to clog,
He's swallowed a New-River-rescuing dog,
He's swallowed some cock-fighting (rarest of treats),
He's swallowed a pair of Australian beats,
He's swallowed some science (Southampton it's goal),
He's swallowed the Birmingham Festival whole,
And somehow or other I cannot but feel
That he has dispatched a respectable meal.
"Oh, my still he will cry, isn't there more to tell ?
Haven't they tracked some murderers in Ireland very well ?
Haven't some plucky witnesses removed the case from doubt ?
Hasn't there been a jolly row at Beyroot-Beyrut-Beyrout ? "








94 FUN. AUGUST 30, 1882.

CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.

AN ANXIOUS INTERVAL.
MR. TAYTERGORGER. Found him on board a British ship,
didn't they? Disguised, wasn't he?
MR. TUBERMUNCHER. Doesn't actually say he was dis-
guised, but they weren't certain as to his identity, so the in-
ference is that he was.
MR. TAYTER. The miscreant I Of course they lynched
him on the spot. No quarter ought to be shown to such
a-
MR. TUBER. Well, they didn't know how to act, being in
a state of uncertainty whether he was the actual party. So
they communicated at once with the Privy Council, who held
a special and excited meeting, and gave orders for his imme-
diate execution.
MR. TAYTER. I hope they handcuffed him well : doesn't
say he's escaped, I hope? Wonder whether they're likely
to reprieve him? Daresay there 'll be a memorial sent up
for commutation of the sentence.
MR. TUBER. Shouldn't be at all surprised. You see, it's
rather a delicate matter-international matter, in point of fact.
The question is, whether the Guion steamer in which he had
concealed himself can be considered as neutral territory.
4 Don't fancy they 'll dare to execute him without the approval
of the European Powers and Cetewayo; though, by the way,
his body has been ordered to be forwarded to Whitehall for
identification. It's an exceedingly knotty affair, whichever
way you look at it.
MR. TAYTER. Had designs against England, I hear. I
wonder he didn't embark on the suspicious armed schooner
which has cleared from Halifax.
MR. TUBER. Had designs against the whole of Europe,
.they say. He's a foreigner, too, by his name. Queer sort
/ of name-Doryphora Decemlineata; Christian name's like
a feminine one. Perhaps he's a female in disguise Lives
in Colorado when he's at home.
MR. TAYTER. Why, here is a later telegram about him.
He's been executed. They stuck a pin through him and put
him on a cork. That's a relief: now the potato crop may
S have a chance.
A VERY CURIOUS MEDICAL FACT. Bal-loonar.
Gentleman.-Do BE CAREFUL, SPRIGGINS; YOUR ASSISTANT GAVE ME IT has been decided to send out a small balloon corps to
A VERY NASTY CUT THE OTHER DAY. Alexandria. No doubt ascent will be given to this corps to
Spriggins.-" DID HF., SIR? A !I HE'D JUST COME BACK FROM HIS hobnob with our sailors, for of course the balloonists will
HOLIDAYS; AND AS ANY DOCTOR WILL TELL YOU, SIR, THEM HOLIDAYS possess the air o' nautical folks. By-the-bye, we suppose
1S 'ORRID TRYIN' THINGS TO THE NERVES." each couple of marksmen will be called a pair o' shooters.


ON A "BUS."
JOAKEs was an irresistibly funny fellow. He was just the sort of
companion for a dreary journey on the Tooting omnibus and a dismally
wet night. He humbugged the driver, and so charmed the conductor
that he was continually bent in a paroxysm of laughter. Our only
companion on the knife-board was a gentle youth, of apparently some
eighteen seasons. His face, shining like a billiard-ball with the wet,
was scorbutic with the pushing energy of early down. He had scarcely
any eyebrows, and a modestly retiring chin. His bony hands lay upon
the dripping knees of a pair of extremely pronounced old check trousers,
whence he would occasionally lift one or the other to coax some tuft on
his face into lank and premature existence. His head was adorned with
around boy's hat; and a boy's jacket was buttoned close up to his chin.
Much of a traveller, sir ? said Joakes, by way of opening a con-
versation, and winking at the conductor.
I go about a good deal by buth," replied the boy, turning very red,
and shifting in his seat.
Ah, ah !" said Joakes; "one sees a great deal of life from buthes."
The boy did not answer, and looked about as comfortable as a mole
in a gin-trap.
Why, bless you," went on Joakes, "LI could fill a volume with the
things I have noticed."
Still no reply from the boy.
There was the case of Jarvis," continued Joakes, "who was riding
one day towards a bus, when his horse stumbled, and threw him with
such violence over its head that ,he flew clean through the panelling
under the driver's feet, out through the door at the other end, and again
on to his nag's back, when he gave his shoulders a shrug, and continued
his journey as if nothing had happened."
The boy's lower jaw-if he could be said to have had such an appen-
dage-dropped, and his eyes bulged from their sockets like speculative
periwinkles.


"Then there was the case of the old lady," said Joakes, "who was
so fat that when she managed to get through the door of a Camberwell
bus, and plump down on a seat, she tilted the whole concern up to such
an extent on the other side that all the passengers slipped off their seats
and the near horse was left dangling his legs in the air."
"Haw I haw !" in smothered accents from the driver and conductor.
"They made it all right afterwards," went on Joakes, "by setting all
the other passengers on the opposite seat, and fixing both horses to one
side of the pole."
At this moment one of the off-wheels of the omnibus skidded against
a big stone, and the boy fell violently against Joakes.
Dash me howled the latter, who was almost winded by the shock,
"wh-a-at did you do that for?"
"Very thorry," said the boy, "but the buth thwerved."
When Joakes had recovered, he went on, but in a more subdued tone,
*" I was riding on a bus one day towards some opened sewers, when-
What, going ? Good night, sir, good night I "
For the boy, without a word, had suddenly paid the conductor, slipped
off the bus, and disappeared in the darkness.
Rum customer, that yere! said the driver.
Half-fledged," said Joakes; "wanted to get back to his mother for
fear of a whipping."
After this we jogged along for ten minutes in silence.
It must be getting late," quoth I.
"Oh, no I" said Joakes, not more than-hullo I where's my watch ?"
He dived and routed into his pocket, with subdued agony distorting
his countenance. It was of no avail; a broken fragment of chain
dangled idly from his buttonhole, and that was all.
Wanted to get back to his uncle, not his mother," I whispered.
Poor Joakes I he could not pay the conductor; for his purse had also
disappeared. We wended our way home in solemn silence.
Joakes does not like to be reminded of that drive.









AUGUST 30, 1882. FUN. 95


LODGINGS.-THE THEORY OF CAPITAL AND INTEREST.
The true theory-(and practice)-of letting furnished apartments involves no initial or subsequent outlay of capital. It provides a Pure System of large interest
with an entire absence of pnciple. The Letter of Furnished Apartment ma happen to be in possession of a few old items of furniture at starting ; but this posses-
sion (though not regarded as an actual dzsqualificationz for the calling) is by no means an essential feature.























The Possessions of the Past, though, are looked upon as an actually indispensable topic by all experienced Letters. "You don't happen to have a table, ma'am,
to place the dinner on?" asks the humble and ungrasping tenant. "Ah if you'd only have took the rooms last May nine years, we did used to have a lovely
table then," says the Letter, and enlarges on it. If you can't do anything else on a departed table, you can enlarge on it.


>\ \A




















Of course the System contemplates no renewal of articles of furniture dying out in'the course of nature. P'raps you 'd better not set on it,' says the Letter, when
the only chair shows signs of dissolution. So the tenant sadlyistands and watches the chair as it slowly fades from the world.























Then, perhaps, the incautious and impulsive tenant may, in a moment ot rashness, blurt out a suggestion for grappling with the situation, saying, I have it, ma'am !
suppose you were to buy sonms nmew ones!" Some landladies recover, but some don't.

IM 'o C|nRnSP.aDrNTS,-The Editor does not bi'nd himself to acknowledge, return, or pay lor Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.








96 FUN. AUGUST 30


A BROAD HINT.
Old Gent.-" WARM WEATHER, MY MAN I"
Reaper.-" IT Is, SORR I O WOULDN'T LIKE TO BE A TEETOTALER IN THIS WEATHER, SORR I'


CURT COMMENTS.
UNDER the heading, "The Cost of the War," a statement has ap-
peared showing the price per shot of each ironclad at Alexandria.
Although the expense is something terrific-the Invincible price being
625 a time-this is not all. Shall we not be charged with anything
else? The valuable lives it will cost us should not be forgotten, and
were it not for these we should say, 'Fire away,' and we'll 'shell
out.' "
Cetewayo is either very fond of the Queen or not very fond of tem-.
perance. When waited upon by a deputation from the Total Abstinence
League on Tuesday, he would not grant them a moment, as he was
sitting for his portrait "at the wish of his mother the Queen." It is to
be hoped this motherly love will continue, and that Zululand will be a
sonny spot near Her Majesty's dominions.
On Wednesday advices from Alexandria stated that the Nile had
commenced rising. Sir Garnet has all along been confident of taking
a rise" out of Arabi. The next thing will be utter anni/eation.

Well Mint !"
A CORRESPONDENT writes to know whether the coin referred to so
frequently as the "nimble ninepence" is made out of quick ".silver;
and if not, why not ?


Our Friend the Enemy.
A CONTINENTAL writer says that Arabi's name is Toni, and that he
is a native of Spain. Whether this be true or not. certainly his behaviour
is (S)painful and as-Toni-shing to many. But a New Orleans paper says
that his name is Dumontell, and that he was a confectioner in that city
years ago. If this be so, his manner might be either "sweet or "tart."
Some, thinking it the former, give him "puffs." Others, uncertain in
what light to regard him, consider him a mixture of "all sorts." It
certainly may be said that his recent threat to disclose the names of his
"backers," should he be defeated, is, at all events, candi(e)d.

Race-y.
THE following startling line in a "daily recently met our eye : "Dr.
R:chardson on British Races." Good gracious we thought, is it pos-
sible that the worthy doctor has been giving "tips" on turf matters,
with instructions for "backing the winner "? Will he enlarge upon the
"Ebor," and make a day "book" on the "Leger"? We were just about
to point out the line to the erudite but erratic Trophonius, and ask his
opinion on the matter, when we discovered that the doctor's discourse
was an ethnological one, and referred to human, and not to horse, races.

HANDY FOR COOKS.-The Browning" Society.


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'4.
5,









FIJN.


A SLIGHT BREEZE.
Edouin.-" WHAT YOU LET THAT FELLOW KISS YOU I How DARE YOU TELL ME SUCH A THING?"
Angelene.-" OH, VERY WELL, DEAR, I WON'T NEXT TIME."


OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL'S MIDNIGHT ADVENTURE.
IT seems, Sir, I am never to get back to my moor again. Last night
I did think that I should be able to start for Othello, N.B., but just
before eight p.m., a mysterious-looking messenger, who would see me,
arrived at my house, carefully carrying a piece of broken slate, on which
was scratched in a stiff, old-world hand, this message :-
"My Arch, Constitution Hill, Monday Niiht.
"F.-M. the Duke of Wellington would be glad to see the Extra-
Special of FUN to-night at 12 precisely. The F.-M. depends on the
E.-S.'s attendance, as it is a matter of life or extinction with the former.
"P.S.-The fire-escape man at the corner of Grosvenor Place, who
carries this, is a real friend."
Well, Sir, to come to the point at once, I went, and found the mes-
senger of the morning, arrayed in his fire brigade uniform, anxiously ex-
pecting me.
"It's all right," was his greeting. "The Dook's been looking' out for
you, and you 're to go up at once. Look, he's signallin' I"
I did look, and surely enough in the dim light I could distinctly see
our "Iron" veteran waving his bdton as though he had been the con-
ductor of an orchestra.
On this my guide wheeled his escape up to the side of the Arch most
in shadow, and signed to me to go up. "I'll come and fetch you,"
said he, "when you whistle, so don't be frightened."
But, for all that, Sir, I quailed a little as I stepped on to the Arch,
and returning the grim warrior's old-style military salute, gingerly made
my way to the off side of his charger, and clutched the metallic reins.
"It is good of you to come," said the F.-M. in a sepulchral tone, as
he pushed out his batonless hand from under his cloak, I thought I
could depend upon you." With that I took the hand held out to me.
It was cold, and so unmistakably bronzy that I pulled my fingers away.
The Duke was evidently excited. "You know why I sent for you ?"
he asked.
"Indeed I do not," I replied.
"You don't know," said the Duke, "that they threaten to hurl me
to the dust ? and as though the very thought were too much for him,
he clutched his sword-handle as if to draw it out.


"Nay, your Grace," I answered, patting coaxingly the cold hard war-
horse's neck, for fear it might also become animated, "the proposal is
only to temporarily take you down, and then to restore you, re-bronzed."
The Iron Duke's reply was a startling one. He simply said Bah I"
in so loud a tone that a passing cabman stopped and looked about him.
Indeed it is so," I returned; "neither Lord Elcho nor Mr. Shaw
Lefevre, nor any one, thinks of removing your Grace permanently."
"And you think I will submit to this temporary displacement?"
I replied that I assumed under all the circumstances that he would.
The Duke's next action was so unduky, so unF.-M.y, if I may use the
term, that I nearly fell backwards down Constitution Hill. He posi-
tively raised his b4ton, and placing it against the off side of his pro-
nouncedly aquiline nose, tapped it repeatedly till the bronze bridge rang.
Wasn't Temple Bar pulled down temporarily? "he asked with a me-
tallic sneer ; "they were going to put it up again in Epping Forest, eh?"
"Yes," I admitted, "I thought that was so."
And where is it now? sternly inquired the Iron Warrior.
I was silent.
"Then there was the Burlington Housefaqade, that too was to be re-
built with loving care," proceeded the Duke: "where is that?"
I knew well enough, but I thought it better not to say.
Bah I" repeated the bronzy one, I know their tricks and manners,
and that if they once got me down, I should never be put back."
VIusy ytes et vous y restez, in fact," I suggested.
"Quite so," said the Duke. "Let Elcho and Lefevre and all the rest
of them come on when they like, I shall be ready for them."
And you wish me to tell them this?" I asked.
"No, no, not a word. What I want you to do is to change these
pistols," and he pointed to the bronze dummies in his holsters, for two
Colt's revolvers, then I shall be quite prepared. You do not refuse ?
"Oh, no," said I, hurriedly taking them, I will see to it at once."
S *
Ten minutes later I was hieing home in a swift hansom, bearing with
me the pistols aforesaid, and the question is now, what ought I to'do?
The F.-M. is desperate, and I believe Shaw Lefevre means business.
[ED. NOTE.-Why, not eat meat suppers and then go to sleep on your
back. You are sure to have nightmare if you do.]


VOL. XXXVI. -NO. 904.










FUN.


SLASHES AND PUFFS.
110 tpir liR. CHARLES
READ, who
Il rIT rn -rE not infrequently
i jT1' -"i 'i Iprejudices a
Good case by
T__ E P -IA Aunnecessaryvio-
lence in stating
JIUET MY PLANr and prosecuting
I` it, has a stand-
IcI ing advertise-
merint in "the
organ of the
oii profession,"
characteristic-
ally warning off
Pirates" from
I, his pieces. He
is at present
prosecution one
of the alleged
pirates, and has
taken the op-
opportunity to
TaRe PROVINCIAL AUTHOR AT WORK. iSSue a further
warning in the
shape of a letter to the said "organ." Holding pretty much the same
opinion on general grounds that Mr. Reade does on personalgone.,
concerning the wholesale and unblushing plagiarism that undoubtedly
goes on all over the country, I am in entire sympathy with that gentleman
(which will probably give him much satisfaction), but from some counter-
:etters which have appeared in that organ," it appears there are some
parties who are not.
However, it is not my intention to plunge into the fray; Mr. Reade
is quite capable of fighting his own foes (of which there are only three
it present,-one who attacks his English, one who attacks his French
and advertises a play of his own, and one who says he hasn't copied
Mr. Reade's plays, and therefore has no reason to be annoyed, for Mr.
Reade only went for those who have).

I allude to the matter simply to ask a question which has often occurred
to me-how is it the Dramatic Authors' Society, in the face of the well-
known enormous unauthorized use of the property under their charge,
has never done what Mr. Reade declares his intention of doing ?-viz.,
"to divide the country into legal dioceses, and have a solicitor in each
district instructed to proceed at once against" the delinquents. Is it
that the game, as a rule, is not worth the candle ? Surely it would be,
against the local managers A small fee for information (in strict con-
fidence) might also be a means of limiting performances of, say, Box
and Cox under the title of The Lodgers, or P,'uck disguised with painful
ingenuity as Courage.
Planquette's Rip Van Winkle is to be produced at the Comedy on the
7th proximo. Miss Violet Cameron is down by the sea learning her
part. Picking up winkles is an appropriate occupation for the seaside.

The Victoria .
Coffee Music,
Hall opened for
the season on EK
Friday, with a
vigorous pro-
gramme and a
promising flou-
rish oftrumpets.
Professor Mal-
den lectured on
the War. If
you're carried ,'F'
away with mili- '
'ary enthusiasm
there's nothing
like a lecture to \
make you reco- I
lecture self.

I notice that
Miss B. Reives
-and long may --_
it be ere fate B. c -
Rieves us of Music HALL MOMENTS.
her !-has been lecturing on An Actor's Life" before the members of


SEPTEMBER 6, 1882,


the Balloon Society, of all people. Is Miss Reives suggesting a con-
nection between actors and balloons on account of the "gas" in each ?
NESTOR.

WHAT AN INCOMPETENT GENERAL!
(AN EDITORIAL SONG OF CONTEMPT.)


OUR Special Commissioner recently went,
And saw the Commander-in-Chief in his tent;
"I'll thank you," he said, "if you'11 kindly explain,
And give, in extenso, your plan of campaign."
"' Ahem 1" said Sir Garnet, "it seemeth to me
It would damage my chance to a certain degree."
And so he politely but meanly refused,
And we think our Commissioner beastly ill used.
So sneer like a good 'un, and snigger, and quiz,
And sing what a duffer the General is I
His plans must be bad, and his intellect small,
If he tells our Commissioner:nothing at all.
Our Special Commissioner said, "You'll confess
That the interests, status, and fame of the Press
Are far more important (when granted their rights)
Than all your success in the matter of fights ? "
But the General uttered (well knowing its sting)
The following rude and unmannerly thing,
And this with unblinking effrontery too;
And'the thing that the General uttered was Pooh "
So sing that the veriest tyro can see
How very incompetent Wolseley must be;
For he who would think of offending the Press
Must make, as a soldier, a pretty fine mess !
'But, hang it our Special Commissioner said,
"The paper I travel for must be ahead,
I n plans and 'intentions,' and matters like these,
Of all its benighted contemporaries."
The General's answer was simply imbued
\Wi'h all that was scurrilous, shabby, and rude;
Of courtesy,-bless you !-it hadn't a spark;
"Your paper be hanged I" was the person's remark.
Why, lor' I we can see that the General's schemes
(As purely imagined by us in our dreams-
He simply refusing to tell us a word)
Are purely chimerical, wild, and absurd.
"By Jove I" our Commissioner said, if you won't
Inform me, I 'll- hang it, you see if I don't !-
I '11 write to my editor now,-on the spot;
And then you '11 be sorry-he'll give it you hot 1"
The General's answer we simply can treat
As grossly degrading-unfit to repeat;
Good taste is revolted by answers like these :
The person's rejoinder was Do as you please I
We always predicted, and hadn't a doubt
That Garnet would muddle this matter throughout:
Subordinates US to his victory-thirst,
And doesn't consider OUR interests first I




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