Front Cover
 Title Page
 January 5, 1881
 January 12, 1881
 January 19, 1881
 January 26, 1881
 February 2, 1881
 February 9, 1881
 February 16, 1881
 February 23, 1881
 March 2, 1881
 March 9, 1881
 March 16, 1881
 March 23, 1881
 March 30, 1881
 April 6, 1881
 April 13, 1881
 April 20, 1881
 April 27, 1881
 May 4, 1881
 May 11, 1881
 May 18, 1881
 May 25, 1881
 June 1, 1881
 June 8, 1881
 June 15, 1881
 June 22, 1881
 June 29, 1881
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00038
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00038
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page 1
        Title Page 2
        Page 1
    January 5, 1881
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    January 12, 1881
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    January 19, 1881
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    January 26, 1881
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    February 2, 1881
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
    February 9, 1881
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 59
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 62
    February 16, 1881
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 69
        Page 70
        Page 71
        Page 72
    February 23, 1881
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 82
    March 2, 1881
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 89
        Page 90
        Page 91
        Page 92
    March 9, 1881
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
    March 16, 1881
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
    March 23, 1881
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
    March 30, 1881
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132
    April 6, 1881
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
    April 13, 1881
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
    April 20, 1881
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
    April 27, 1881
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
    May 4, 1881
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
    May 11, 1881
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
    May 18, 1881
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
    May 25, 1881
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
    June 1, 1881
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 226
    June 8, 1881
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 230
        Page 231
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 236
    June 15, 1881
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
        Page 241
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
    June 22, 1881
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 256
    June 29, 1881
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 263
        Page 264
    Back Cover
Full Text

.10 NJ





^r '




THE Telegraph Clerks had struck. They'd grown tired of snubbing the public, and delaying messages for eighteen hours a day
on a pittance ; so they had struck for salaries instead of wages, thirteen months holiday in the year, and Esq." on all their letters.
They'd been agitating for many years, but now a Government was in power which seemed inclined to favour them, so they struck.
Everything was at a standstill in consequence: there was no news in the "Foreign" column of the papers, nobody could tell whether
the Queen of Spain had slept well, or who was visiting Monaco, or if it had rained at Naples. Worst of all, there was no Shipping News.
BRITANNIA hurried to MR. FUN in distress. "What am I to do ?" she asked.
Make the Government give them what they want," said FUN.
"But what do they want?" said BRITANNIA. "We've tried to satisfy them, and now they want more! What will satisfy
them ?" Wildly, What does everybody want, what will satisfy anybody ? Look at Jrelapd !"
"Yes, a sorry sight," said FUN, sadly. He felt sad, for many of Ireland's sons had served beneath his banner well.
"And yet poor Pat is the broth of a boy at bottom," said BRITANNIA.
"At bottom, yes. But the broth is boiling, so the scum has risen to the top; and," added MR. FUN, darkly, "you ought to
remove the scum, or the broth will be spoilt entirely."
But how is it to be done ?"
"By inoculating the whole world with wisdom," replied MR. FUN. "Every one will be satisfied then-Telegraph.Clerks, Ireland,
and everything else."
That's all very well, but where am I to get the pure lymph necessary for the purpose ?"
Direct from the calf," replied the Philosopher, overwhelming her with delight by handing her a half-bound copy of

A : I

AFTER a Christmas Burlesque, 7
As others See Us, 85
Advertisements, o05
Aquatic Song of Joy (An), 135
Abode of Bliss (An), 163
After the Ball, 181
At Ye Albert Haul, 243
BALLADE of Blue Pill (A), 3
Bag of Treasure (The), 22
Boycotted Beauty (The), 23
Banbury Cakes, 49
Between the Baraques and the Shops, 103
Birthday Lines, 147
Biography of Briggs (The), 154
Bank Holiday (The), 167
Bringing Out Our Extra-Special in his
True Colours, 207
Briton's Fling, 259
CORONATION of Sir W. (The), 27
Case of Pickles (The), 186
Culpable Negligence, 203
Curt Comments, 12, 2r, 48, 59, 71, 85, 04,
105, 121, 129, 136, 148, i6i, 165, 183, 187,
201, 224, 228, 248
Carols of Cloudland (The), (3) The Bridge
at King's, 43 ; (4) A Serenade, 80o; (5) The
Queen of Cloudland, 125; (6) Cheek, 213:
(7) A Matter of Course, 218
Conversations for the Times, 69, 110, 244
DREADFUL Calamity (A), 100
Detectives' Chorus, 129
Disappointed Engine (The), 15i
Desolate One (The), 155 ,
Disinherited, 193
Dismal Ddjeuner (A), 203
Dead Sea Fruit, 20o
Delicate Mission (A), 212
Derby Day (The), 216
Derby Deliration (A), 218
Dots by the Way-
A Scene in the House, 176
EDITORIAL Quandaries, To9
Economic Verse, 119
FEW Cursory Remarks (A), 37
Fun's Philosophy, 109
Flora of Babies (A), xi5
Few Suppositions (A), T72
Fashionable Contretemps (A), 239
GIRLS Laughter, 12
Genuine Fall (A), 53
Gummer's Goblins, 244
HUNTING the Huntress, 95
Homicide's True Sphere (The), 172
Hurly-Burlington (The), 177
How it's Done, 227
IMPERILLED Dot (The), 27
In an Almanac, z9
Infringement of Rights (An), 38
"Is Life worth Living?" 175
If I were only Young Again, i92
Injured Ticket-Snatcher (The), 233
Intelligent Foreigner on Football, 91r; in
the House of Commons, 99; (The) Reads
for the Bar, 186; At Hastings, 249
JuDICIOUSNEss of James (The), 235
KEEN for the Day, 133
LITTLE Laughing "Gas" (A), I
Little Music (A), 22
Legend of Saint Anthony (The), 79
Lost Opportunities, 91
Loveable Lady (A), 182
Little Proclamation (A), 183
MAY and December, 2
Mysterious Pantonine (A), 13
More Pleasures of Youth, 31
Melting Moments, 48
Modern Barmecide to his Bride (The), 145
Melodramnation, i6r
May Song (A), 187
Morbid Sentimentality, 192
Matter of Fact, 205
More of It! 229
Moving" Ta e (A), 253
NEW Year's Resolution (A), 9

Noble's Pride (The), 13
Noble Calling (A) 235
Newest Nostrum (The), 247
Next News from Ireland (The), 253
OUR Extra-Special as a Dramatic Adver-
tiser, 2; Gives a Twelfth Night Party,
12; At the Grosvenor, 29; On Plumbers
and Glaziers, 32 ; And His Kitchen
Boiler, 47; On Saint Valentine, 60;
Joins the "Kyrle" Society, 73; On a
Military Crisis in Monaco, 89 ; And the
Telephone, Io0; As a Crossing-Sweeper,
II, n9 ; At a French Concert, 123 ; Has
the"B es"as Usual, 34 IsNumbered
153 ; As a Panoramist," 162 ; Joins the
Royal Academy, 267; Goes to Tunis,
x8i ; And the Sheik, 191 ; In Trouble,
197; On the Derby, 224; And the
"Society's Sight-Seeing by Proxy Com-
pany," 234; And the Premier, 245 ; On
Military Tournament, 254; University
Match, 264
Other People, 75
On the Death of Cmsar, 113
Old Baily Law-ghter, 162
On the G. G., or a Canter Round Sir
Coutts's Ring, 211
Painful Recollections, 83
Pageantry of Woe (The), 89
Putney, April 8th, 151
Paschal Presents, 157
QUITE Proper, 136
Quite Too Too t 233
ROUND of the Theatres (The), 8
Round of "Entertainments" (A), 18
Reforming Valentine (The), 52
Recovering, 101
Result of the Hares and Rabbits Bill (The),
Round the Studios, 147
Rhymer's Entry (The), 254
Real Sponge Culture, 255
SoEin slight Amends, 42
Story of Mr. Scroper, Architect (The), 63
Skipper's Whim (The), 8i
Song of Surprise (A), 234
Sock and Buskin, 22, 32, 42, 59, 71, 74, 85,
9 04, 1 4, 123, 123, 146, 156, 166, 176, 196,
2o6, 223, 228, 238, 248, 263
That Little Irish Affair, o20
Tenemental Knot (The), i30
Twin Stars, 773
Tented, 193
To Bed! 205
To the Last Wizard, 222
To Madame Modjeska, 249
Turf Cuttings, 29, 39, 47, 59, 71, 74, 84, 94,
104, 114, 123, 43. r46. x56, 166, r76 196,
2o6, 223, 228, :.-4, 259
VALENTINE'S Vengeance (A), 70
Vain Regrets, 75
Vision of Fair 'Busses (A), 165
Vitiated Virus (The), 202
WAIL of the Plutocrat (The), 33
Winter Tales, 95
Whim of Mine (A), 182
What Boots it? 213
Wail (A), 225
Whitsuntide Retrospect (A), 237
YOUNG Woman Next Door (The), 86

"ANCIENT Custom" (The), 4
Alf for Her, 31
Advantages of Modern Education (The),
As It Comes, 130
Another Triumph of Art, 178
Atrocious Party (An), 187
All the Difference, 194
Appropriate Adornment, 203
A Towel-ing 257
An Irish Alibi, 258

Beaux Bell(e)s, 60
Bucolic Fragment (A), 63
(Boat) Racy 'uns, 136
Boat Race Mems, 141
Blue Ruin, 144
Backward, 218
Bones, 240
COLOUR Blind, 3
Coercion Bill (The), 85
Cold with the (Ch)jest, o102
Changed (af)Front, io5
Coercion Act (The)-Great Success I16
"Custom of the Trade" (The), 15-
Comparisons are Odorous, 174
Curious Coincidence, x88
Caught Out, 207
Candid! 235
"DEAR Little Soul!" i To
Difficult Question (A), 175
Drawing a Line, 216
Derby Jottings, 226
"Delicate Way of Putting It (A)," 249
EXAMPLE of "Assurance" (An), 14
Entertainment in Ireland, 30
Elysium (An), 43
Ear! Ear! So
Exmoor Pony (The), 132
'Easey Does It! 191
Eggs-actly So, 247
FILIAL Affection, 9
Force of Example (The), 95
Fearful Hardship (A), 168
Fun's Conundrums, No I, 193
Fun's Derby Hieroglyphic; or Clear and
Comprehensive Tip Typcial, 215
"Follow! Follow!" 224
GOOD Things to Write on the Fourteenth
of February, 62
Gentle Hint (A), 75
Good Prospects, 236
Good-for-Nothing, 245
Got at! 260
" HAPPY Man," 2o
Hibernian, 40
His Miss-Shone, 72
Hammer and Block, it
Home Rule, 122
Hanging Matter (A), 123
"Happy is the Man," 129
High and Low, 1435
"Haughty-Culture-ism," 155
Home Thrust (A), 184
House of Correction (The), 204
Hospital Charity, 250
InRstt Agitator (The), xo6
Inside Out, 237
KNOWS Him by His Looks, 50
Knock Under (A), 65
Knows His Weigh(t) to a Foot-man, 164
LAST of the Season (The), 148
Law and Its Master (The), 158
Litt'e Perplexed (A), 198
"MIScONSTRUED, Poor Man t" I
Misunderstanding Somewhere (A), 33
Man ot Weight (A), i03
Most Likely, 125
Man Wanted (The), 135
Mum's the Word, 157
Mixture as Before (The), 223
" Medicine Made Easy," 227
NOTHING Like Being Correct, 38
Notes During the Reign of Jack Frost, 4r
Not the Slightest Doubt He Would, 73
New Disease (A), 163
'Neck or Nothing,' 182
New View of the Land Question (A), 214
OPEN Offer (An), no
Oh, Law I 9
On the Subject of Tips, 28
On Important Chairs, and Their Influence
upon the Career, 61
Our Jolly Jack Tars, and What They are
Coming To, 90
On Physiognomy, Iz5
One of the Martyrs, 126
Omnibus Puzzle (The), g195

PEERS and Commoners, 21
Preserving the Commons for the Railway
Companies, 34
Prize Race (A), 48
Political Way of Putting It (A), 52
Pace that Kills (The), 92
Pat Again! 121
Plausible Inducement (A), 147
"Plain," 165
Police and the Pub-lic (The), 173
Practical, 197
Pleasures of the Table (The), 208
"Precious Pet (A)," 213
Pleasant Choice (A), 256
ROUND Answer (A), 83
Retiring Athlete (The), 142
Recollections of the Royal Academy, 185
Royal Road (A), 201
Sharp Engagement, 23
Some Scientific Reasons for It, 24
Special Pleaders, 96
"Soft Answer (A)," &c., 112
Shelved! i13
Slight Difference (A), 168
Some Derby Definitions, 217
Singular Fact, 246
TASTE of the Times (A), 7
Through and Through, 37
That "Transmigration" Business Again
Trifle Too Strong (A), 66
Taking the Highway "Rate," 69
Too Bad, 239
University Boat Race (The), 133
VALENTINE Fancies, 53
"Valentine's" Day, 54
WEIGHT for Age, 49
Wise in His Generation, 70
Word in Season (A), 81
Way to Retain Health (The), 86
"Way it is Done (The)," 154
"What the Dickens!" 165
Worry of Married Life (The), 205
Wonderfully Fortunate Tradesman (The),
Wet-Suntide Bank Holiday (A), 255
YE Game at Chess, xoi
Yes. No, 229
Youthful Advocate of Celibacy, 264

Army Reform, 107
Appeal for Justice (An), 127
Appeal to Jonathan, 261
Bill of Fare (The), 1s
Boat Race (The), 139
"Bravo, William I 209
"Coercion "-Those Irish Boys Again, 45
Carrying His Bill, 240
Feats of Strength, 77
Irish Question (The)-Advice Gratis, 25
Irish Cinderella and Her Fairy Godmother
(The), 179
John Bull's Valentine, 67
Left Luggage, 5
Legacy of Care (A), 117
" Land Bill" Raue (The), 221
Land Bill League (The), 231
Nation s Tribute (A), 169
Obstruction, 35
Our Savage Tribes, 251
Returned with Thanks, 149
Ringleader (A), 189
Scarecrow (The), 87
"Soothing the Savage Breast," 159
Tory Twins (The), 199
Valentines, 56
Won't He Catch It! 97

S. -

2 '~N

__ 'I

"~> -~ A


W -7

MAN the balloon! (and we feel it's perennial):
Fix the new pennon and off to the sky !
Starting again on our journey biennial,
Clearly our aim is, as usual, high.
Up, ever up As you watch us adoringly,
Mansion and hovel and mountain and dell;
Up, ever up Ever brilliant and soaringly-
Making our enemies sore, though, as well.
Up, ever up I And the giddy brain that mus' fear-
(That it's all up with us nobody dreads).
Up, ever up I To the purest of atmosphere-
Sometimes a little bit over your heads.
Buoyant with Satire, Wit, Humorous mindliness,
They give our thoughts all their lightness and shape,
We, bearing ballast of Wisdom and Kindliness,
Never allow any gas" to escape.
Faint are the lines our importance is painted with-
Just to give one of its feeblest of germs-
Our Solar System you're, maybe, acquainted with;
We're, with that System, on visiting terms.
See! From afar they've already detected us,
While on their confines we lightly encroach;
Eager, impatient, they've all been expecting us,
Mark with what joy they observe our approach.
JUrITEn joyfully seems to anticipate;
MmacutY's starting to meet us half way;
MAus is preparing to quietly dissipate ;
NErPTUN has settled him down for the day.
Impatient, URAXIA seems to distress herself ;
Impatient, old SATURN would clutch it too soon;
Impatient, here's VENus omitting to dress herself,
And mark the delight of the Man in the Moon.
And then to ourselves let us modestly tune a verse,
(Modest as modest as modest can be),
Because they're excited all over the un-a-verse
'Bout the first number of VOL. XXXIII.

voL. xxxur.-NO. 317.

~ ~



.... _j


Who, to judge from the weather, must_have been courting in 1880.

"To sit beside my dear-
est friend it. nice is,
All nature sings of
love, looe beautiful,
I feel like someone hot
devouritg ices,
He is so-faultless, cold,
and dutiful!"
I like my friend, and
once I thought her
.' charming,
' I'd tone h&r down.and
S make her quieter;
Her impulses are some-
times quite -alaiM
And if encouraged,
what a rioter!"

0 sun! that kissed sweet May'among the daisies,
That decked her brow with Myosotic blue,
Whose hues were stolen from those distant hazes
That float away whene'er they notice you;
December sun, shine on this man and woman,
Disperse the shadows still affrighting them,
Make her less volatile and him more human,
And weld in gold the link uniting theifnt

HAVINs tried original dramatic work (you know with what result,
sir), I have determined that I will attempt what seems to be a much
more profitable business-the adaptation and rearrangement, that is to
say, of the dramas of others. What Mr. Wills has done for Gold-
smith and Jerrold I propose to do in time for all our classic dramatists.
With this difference, though. I will be more reverent than the
author of Olivia, and, instead of altering the text of our stage master-
pieces, will only add to them lines imbued with the spirit of the times,
and making them more suited to our modern practical and commercial
At present I am at work on Sheridan's School for Scandal, which I
hope to finish next week. My version was not quite ready for Mrs.
Bateman at Sadler's Wells, unfortunately; but I hope to find a
manager, with an eye to business, prepared to produce the piece as
soon as I offer it to him. I do not mind telling you that the main
idea of my treatment is to freshen up the dialogue of all our old plays
by modern topical allusions which any audience can appreciate. I
also propose to introduce a limited number of strictly ipropos adver-
tisements in the various scenes. The public is tired of reading its
own advertisements on hoardings and at railway stations; it wants to
have them declaimed to it with rhetorical effects. And very properly
too. If the artist and the author combine to make modern advertising
a success, why should not the actor collaborate P I am working out a
second idea, having reference to a Series of Advertising Analogues"
to serve as lever-de-rideaux instead of farces, which I should write to
order for this or that advertiser, who would then take round my little
piece and secure its run for twelve nights at this house, say, at 1 per
night and dresses found, and for a month at a second on even cheaper
terms, probably, as the rollicking fun to be found in my little adver-
tising pieces came to be known.
To return to the old dramas, however, and to the Schoolfor Scandal
especially, suppose I give you a specimen of the play with my
additions, so that you may judge as to the general nature of the great
task I have in hand ; for I propose to treat all Shakespeare similarly in
due course. Of course, you know Sheridan's great "Screen Scene"
by heart ? Well, I will take my specimen from that:-
SCENE III.-A Library. JosEPH SURFAcE and a SERVANT discovered.
JOSEPH (eagerly). And my Cough Lozenges P Have you secured
me three two-and-nminepenny boxes? (Aside.) Each of which, I may
add, contains as many as three of the thirteenpenny-halfpenny size,
as I in my wiliness have long since found out.
SERVANT (producing packet). They are here, sir, and Mr. Jalap, I
find, charges them at store prices.
A blank would be left bere by me for the insertion of a name; and for the
privilege of filling that blank the cough lozenge manufacturers of Europe, I feel
certain, would wildly struggle.-Y.E.-S.R.


[JAN. 5, 1881.

JOSEPH. 'Tis well! (Sucks lozenge.) And Lady Teazle's letter?
SERVANT. There is none, sir.
JOsEPH. None! This is strange and inscrutable as a prize double
acrostic. Can Sir Peter suspect ? [Knocking without.
SERvANT. Sir, I believe that is Lady Teazle.
JosEPH. Good! Then hasten and have in readiness a decanter of
that dry and nutty sherry I procure for the ridiculous sum of 18s.
from Bung and Korkscrooze; and then see if it be really her ladyship.
SERVANT (producing decanter). 'Tis her ladyship, sir; I know the
JoszrPH. What, that duck of a new one I bought her at Madame
Chantilly's for a mere bagatelle of some two guineas or so ?
SERVANT. The very same, sir.
JOsEPH. Then show her up; but first draw that Japanese screen
before the window-how Bricaback's people can do them that size for
30s. I can't make out !-and spread one of those Persian rugs--dirt
cheap at 15s., as I told Messrs. Freedom's young man when he
brought them--inside the screen. Now go. (Exit servant.) (Aside.)
I have a difficult game to play, as the American said when he began
to try the Boss 15 Puzzle. Lady Teazle suspects me, and she is not
yet in my power. I must see what an Indian shawl from Chutneese
and Kurry's will do.
LADY T. What! in soliloquy ? Have you been very impatient F
Oh, lud don't look grave. I couldn't get away from Marshgar and
Swangrove's for my life. They're selling off, you know.
JOSEPH. Oh! madam, punctuality is a species of constancy very
unfashionable in a lady of quality. (Places chair.) But now tell me
what you think of this easy chair. Logwood's latest design; and, fore
gad, not expensive.
LADY T. (sitting). No lady of fashion should be without one. But
prithee tell me, do you know Sir Peter is jealous of Charles P
JosEPH (aside). Ah, then Rollaky's private detective has done his
work well? Odds bodkins, but he is cheap at a guinea per diem.
(Aloud.) Jealous, did you say, your ladyship ?
LADY T. Yes, positively; and my friends circulate the most
scandalous tales about me at their five o'clock teas.
JOSEPH. They should use Smith and Smith's selected Bohea, at
3s. 4d. ; no scandal is ever talked over that, I hear.
LADY T. So they tell me. By-the-bye, dear friend, Lady Sneer-
well tells me you know an excellent chiropodist. Is't so ?
JOSEPH. Lud! lud What was the fellow's name ? He cured Sir
Benjamin Backbite of his bunions, you know. Snod-Snod-- Oh, yes,
Snodley's the name, 254A, The Barbican, E.C.; ring the top bell and
walk up !
LADY T. (taking out her tablets). A thousand thanks. And now to
return to that jealous Sir Peter of mine. How can I best punish
JOSEPH. By giving him cause for his offensive suspicions.
LADY T. In fact, cure his jealousy by giving him reason for't.
JOSEPr. Undoubtedly. Be seen in my company this very evening.
LADY T. And where, pray
JOSEPH. Let us think where is the place to spend a happy evening.
LADY T. The Royal Sanitarium gives a marvellous shilling's-
worth !
JOSEPH. It does, but the "Ichthyological Pantheon" combines
perhaps still more information with amusement.
LADY T. And you can dine there !
JOSEiH. True; as the advertisement says, you can wash down the
flesh of the plump Southdown with the choicest vintages of Bordeaux
on the pro rated principle.
LADY T. BWhilst a choice band discourses the sweetest-
[K nock witboet.
JosEPH. We are interrupted! Hasten behind yon screen. You
will find there several novels from the Cavendish Library, to which
I subscribe. [Knowking repeated.
My space is all gone, sir, but you will be, able to judge, even from
this fragment, I think, that I have struckr ie." Think, for instance,
what advertisers will be ready to give for the repetition of even the
above short puffs by Mr. H. Irving as Joseph, say, and MissEllen
Terry as Lady Ttazle. And then only think how the system can be
extended! Oh yes, sir, it's an "Extra-Special" notion, depend e n
it, and ought to make both our fortunes.

A Pretty Pair.
THE Jiidge of the Oldham Coqunty Court has had to de. id,- a dispdae

between a publican and a sweep, which he rightly char., terised as a
" rascally trasaectibt,' Thse two atrengtd a wrestling match
between two profeBaionaa, and alo arranged tWhich was to win,,
thereby enabling them 'to swindle the public -ut r,f their mo new-It'
bets: The caseought bt'to have beenaliuded'to a a dipuLe between
a publican and a sweep, but a disagreement between two thorough
"sweeps' ^

-V UJ *.

By the Author of allades of Blue Cochin Chinas."
WHEN Life's turlfig night into day
And day into Bht with dream fancies-
When work leaves no moment-for play-
And laurels are prized above pansies-
Hope revels in wildest romances,
The brain won'trconsent to be still;
And turns in,~ts feverish dances
To Life's great'eastorer-BLvE PILL !
We've fallen in love with a May-
Or flirted with Pollies and Nancies-- N
Penn'd many a rapturous lay,
And lived in elysian trances !
Love flies the world's desert expanses
And roosts on the gold in a "till" !
Yet sighs, amid amorous glances, "
For Life'e great restorer-BLUE PILL !
Misfortunes in horrid array
Transfix us with poisonous lances !
For Love without cash will not pay !
And, bankers declining advances,
You fly to Boulogne (which in France is)
Quite bilious at thought of a Bill!
The one thingin this circumstance is
Our Life's.great restorer-BLUE PILL !
The pleasures of life it enhances-
The liver without it were nil" !
And hearts conquer changes and chances
By Life's great restorer-BLUE PIL,L !

At Numerical Disadvantage.
TALKING of games, there is none perhaps at which the
new player is more lih1lv to find himself ,at "sixes and
sevens" than te ". nis, unless, indeed, it be "fives" !
To pursue th-.even tenner of his way-with "fives,"
in fact, is almost impossible. -

A TENANT-" RITE" the landlords would like to see S
carried out.-Paying the "rint" A BLA

Good Resolutions for the New Year.
MUST certainly take to early-rising, and abandon the practice of
lying awake in bed an hour or so, thinking whether it isn't time to get
Must never attempt to do more than one thing at a time, and never
look at a newspaper until I have finished all my work for the day.
Must pay greater attention to strict accuracy, and manage to render
a correct return of my income to the Inland Revenue Commissioners.
Must really make an earnest effort to improve my rather indifferent
Must remember never to eat two consecutive helpings of plum-
pudding again, and to carefully eschew mixing my wines at dinner.
Must fill up the Census-paper with truthful particulars as to my age
and all the rest of it.
Must be always prepared to discuss the burning questions of the day
-whether social or political-with absolute impartiality and a perfect
command of temper.
Must make friends with all the people who have quarrelled with me,
and never speak hastily to my inferiors.
Must relinquish a good many habits which I have acquired, and
which it is now quite unnecessary to specify.
Must cultivate a little better feeling between myself and certain of
my relatives.
Must generally be more successful.
Must try to bear in mind these resolutions.

The Proof of the Pudding, &c.
"THERE'S no earthly reason why we should eat such stodgy stuff
at Christmas !" exclaimed old Mr. Sinnick, pointing to the flaming
dish just brought to table.
Pardon me, uncle," retorted his nephew, who is supposed to write
for the comic papers, "but every plum-pudding, you must admit,
has its raisin'-d'etre."

MESSRS. COPE gave a soir6e and dance to those they employ in their
And no one will blame them, I'm sure, for giving this Cope to their
feelings ;
In Liverpool's elegant Hall (St. George's) they'd spirits and beer
To enjoy themselves thoroughly there and watch the Old out and New
eear in;
And if you would like to know why these lines on the fact I'm indit-
Why, I was invited, you see (Messrs. Cope are extremely inviting);
But if for their reason you ask I'm bound to admit that you task me.
They'd a masque, though, at midnight, and so that's probably what
made them mask me.
Full gaily all feasted and talked, full gaily they traded the measures,
And only a man with a corn would have given his scorn to the
No such shagony troubled me, though, as I placidly took my birds-
eye view;
Not even golden cloud fell obscuring in any way my view.
There were plenty of partners about, as gentle in manners ap. manner;
When you couldn't have Jenny, you know, why there, you .could
always have Anna.
Then as ev'ry one homeward returns, admiring Cope Brothers
Each one who was at the soir6e just swore 'e enjoyed it immensely.
Thus heartily Messrs. Cope sing, II cigarette per ease felice."

Down on Her.
WHEN a man is informed that his wife wishes to speak to him,
what article on his study table does he mention in reply ?-Letter-

Ar 5&'. l88QlJ1


'agilistie Sweep:-" WHY DIDN'T YER GIVB '*i,A ;tiT lt Q, BILL 'F

4 FUN. 1881.

A decision has lately one forth from the magisterial ench that the muffin-bell nuisance is to be permitted to continue without hindrance-- 4ve se it is a
time-honoured nuIsance I We are glad to receive the following account of the broad and impartial views entertained by a magistrate on the question.

The other day a big man hammered deateningly at that magistrate's door; and on the magistrate's going out to see what was the matter, the man led off "
heavily with his left on the functionary's nose.

The functionary was angered at first, and called for assistance. But a few words of explanation from the seeming offender brought back the
content to his brow at once.

"But bow am I to know that you tell the truth about the matter?" "It's ail right and satisfactory, constable," said the magistrate. "It seems that this worthy
asked the worthy magistrate; whereupon there ;uddenly appeared felow's grandfather was in the habit of calling and damaging the nose of my grandfather
w gortfthe aitateo's wn th m an' grnfathers fel ahA .tl n ,,, n
the ghosts of the magistrate's and the man's d te same way. As it thus becomes an Ancient Custom I have every satisfaction
witnesses, in its continuance."
This auouncement was received with cheers from all the Ancient Nuisanceswhich were, however, quickly suppressed-not the nuisances: far from it.

FUIYN.- JAN. 5, 1881.




JAN. 5, 1881.] F U N 7

SBaon Cattle Dealer (to Pat):-" Well, Pat, how d'ye like the
Pat :-" Well, sorr, it's the right stuff entirely, for shure it's got
the Land League mark on 't."

A JBarren Heath. Discovered is a globe-shaped cauldron, with irregular
tracings outside. Underneath is a fire produced by the friction of time.
Enter twelve shadowy forms. Thunder and lightning.
THE TWELvT. We are the months, January to December,
And in a perfect cycle round the cauldron go,
While of our ring each duodenary member
Certain strange components in the pot will throw.
So cast in the pot, as it bubbles and boils,
A mixture of worries and troubles and toils,
A course of events which may cause the birth
Of a young new year to the old grey earth.
JAN. I throw in floods to devastate St. Kitts,
A riot, and at Connemara place it,
Five thousand Afghans cut to little bits,
A colliery disaster down at Leycitt.
FEn. First, there's the opening of Parliament,
Then there's the dynamite attempt upon the Czar,
Next there's the Clichy railway accident,
Then there's the finish of the tunnel St. Gothard,
To a six days' match of ridiculous tinge
I'll add the capture of Colonel Synge.
MARCH. There's Newgate outside Mr. Edmund Grissell,
Count Melikoff shot at, and that by a Jew,
There's Chili chastising Bolivia well,
The Queen to her Albion bidding adieu.
ArmL. I bring a General Election,
And Gladstone fetched to make a change,
Increase of Paddy-whack defection,
A battle on the Galkoh range,
A fire of vast extent near Ottawa,
Election trials block the Courts of Law.
MAY. There is the Premier's "Austrian apology,
There is G. Goschen's mission festively begun,
There is the growth of the Land League's sociology,
There is the Peace Preservation Act undone.
JUNE. Police at fault in Barley-street,
The shutting of French convents murky,
Ned Kelly's wonderful (!) defeat,
Collective notes addressed to Turkey,

A steamboat burnt called the Seawaneka,
And battles somewhere about Arica.
JULY. There's Bradlaugh triumphantly allowed to take his seat,
The Maiwand (Afghanistan) most terrible defeat,
The Duke's" burnt, the gas explosion up in Percy-street,
The steam-launch at Shepperton and pleasure wherry meet.
AUG. Lo! there's the Scotchman flying in the wrong direction,
The recalling of Sir Wicked Bartle Frere;
Lo there's the Irish Compensation Bill's rejection,
The Bermuda storm so terribly severe.
Lo there's the riskiness of Irish rent collection,
With the owners simply paralysed with fear.
SEPT. There's Ayoub defeated, his army in flight,
A hundred poor soldiers drowned crossing a bridge,
A city in Chili destroyed in a night,
The slip of the land on the Naini Tal ridge;
The Sunderland Colliery accident sad,
Mountmorres a victim to impotent law,
Another French cabinet gone to the bad,
Basutos outbreaking in actual waw.
OCT. Ireland, from all law exempt,
Christiansund in ashes, and
Dale committed for contempt,
Battles in Basutoland.
A fall of snow on Gowrie's Carse,
The Naval Demonstration farce.
Nov. Proceedings reParnell and all his staff,
The miserable Land League agitators,
Charles Russell's letters to the Telegraph.
Dulcigno entered by the mutilators,"
The Galatea lost in English waters,
And Cons6ls at a hundred and three-quarters.
DEC. Croatian earthquake shocks renewed,
Erin resigned to notre roi," Parnell,
Alarming Grecian attitude,
Kurds in rebellion and Boers as well,
A mine disaster in the Principality,
And Scotland Yard's odd notions of morality.
THE TWELVE. We've cast in the pot, as it bubbles and boils,
A mixture of worries and troubles and toils,
And these ingredients, events o'erweighty,
Hey presto have produced-see! Eighteen-eighty.

CONDUCTOR. Your fare, sir, if you please !
WAG. Am I really, now? That's very curious, for I'm considered
very dark!
CONDUCTOR. Shall I put you down, sir ?
WAG. No it will take a better man than you to put me down, or
take me up, I can tell you !
CoNDUCTOR. Do you want me to stop ?
WAG. I never wished you to begin I
CONDUCTOR. Well, d'yer want me to draw up ?
WAG. You can draw up and paint up, if you like.
CONDUCTOR. You're werry sharp, you are!
WAG. Well, you're more like "a natural" I
CONDUCTOR. Will any gent go outside to oblige a lady ?
WAG. Gent, indeed So you think gently does it, eh ?
CONDUCTOR. I never spoke to you!
WAG. That's not a spoke in my wheel then, is it ?
CONDUCTOR. Brompton-road I
WAG. And quite right of Brompton; why should he walk ? By
the way, what's my fare ?
CONDUCTOR. Fippence!
WAG. That's a farey story, not to say a lie. It's only four-
pence! Take it out of that! [Gives sixpence.
CONDUCTOR offeringg twopence). And here's your change.
WAG (refusing it). Keep it, my man I I'll get my change by leav-
ing your beastly 'bus. [Alights.
CONDUCTOR. I don't want to see you any more!
WAG. Then watch me, and you'll see me grow small by degrees
and beautifully less!
[Disappears down the Fool'em-road" chuckling.

Breach of Postal Regulations.
LETTER packets may not exceed the length of 2ft., and yet the
Orient, which carries a mail, is more than five hundred feet long.



E never saw so queer a go I
The pantomimes have come
And can it be a year ago
(It nearly strikes one dumb
Since (long before the fall of
We dressed ourselves so
And went to look at all of
And criticise them wittily;
With aptness more than near
In fact, exactly suiting it-
Of course it can-that's clear
So where's the use disput-
ing it P?
Though pantomimes go flat a bit
When played for weeks incessantly,
Each year they heed not that a bit,
But shine rejuvenescently.
Though flat" at times, in prevalence
They're certain to be found again-
For Time, in his benevolence,
Is sure to "bring them round" again.
You can't, at Christmas, smother plays,
And pantomime's the gist of them,
Although, of course, we've other plays-
And, there, we'll give a list of them.
At Drury Lane they've Mother Goose, so gorgeously producing it
There's very little likelihood of anybody "goosing" it;
There Fawn (and not fawn nothing) raises laughter, not exclusively,
For Arthur Roberts acted well, though rArthur Robertrusively i !
Kate Santley's voice we trace again
Our heartstrings to attack-
We're glad to see her face again,
And glad to see her back.
We could, in praise of Addie Blanche, indite a lot of vols.,
And we compliment those children on the clever "dance of dolls."
At Covent Garden (mark it, for they've Valentine and Orson there)
The Yokes's popularity the public are end-Orson there;
The dresses and embellishments are far from economical,
And Master Lauri's bear you'll find ridiculously comical.
(The plays have all been floating
In our head for many days :
We give a sketch denoting
Our conception of the plays;
A slight examination of that noble work of art
Will show how far reality and fancy are apart!)

\',j (011)*IIlM I

The Forty Thieves are well received as given at the Gaiety,"
The actors have encouragement from clergy and from laity,
Miss Farren-Royce and Terry-could they earn less animosity ?
Or Miss Vaughan (Morgiana) look for Morgianarosity ?
St. George at Sanger's, duty
Says the journey you should make" ;
The Standard Sleeping Beauty
Is extremely ''"wide-awake."

[JAw. 5, 1881.

And no one at the Surrey will be surrey that he's come "
Who marks the bright intelligence of little Hop-my- Thumb.
Red-Riding-Hood the Royal Park produces more than decently ;
Aladdin at the Crystal Palace made a hit but recently;
The Alexandra Puss-in-Boots, we can't deny a place to it,
As long as e'er Miss Parkes provides those sParkes of light and grace
The novelties have, seemingly, [to it.
With lightning speed got past-
They've not produced them teemingly,
For here's the very last:-
King Frolic at the Grecian yields amusement we declare,
For merry laughter's sure to flow with Marie Loftus there.

Les Mousquetaires still satisfies Globe wishes managerial;
Still Billee Taylor occupies the bill at the Imperial;
The Pirates at the Opera Comique display their loyalty;
Don Juan, you'll discover, 's not done jewin' at the Royalty;
Th' Adelphi play, a dreary 'un,
They still continue that;
They're still, at the Criterion,
Inquiring for the Cat;
And still, if to the Strand the misanthropical will get,
They'll find old Dr. Christmas recommending Holly- Vet!
The Sadler'S Wells produces School for Scandal-chance a-seizin' it-
With Vezin as Sir Peter-and it must be good if Vezin it.
Upon th' Alhambra bill of fare proceeded to regale, we have,
And marked Mefisto's antics in the gay Meflstofele, we have-
Cessation not befalling them
We watch them night by night,
Eccentrically calling them
Mefisto pure delight.
Friend Gooch still finds The Fool's Revenge attractive to the town,
And Folly says The Upper Crust continues to go down.
There's School, you know, at "Bancroft's place," and full of hits and
Poyntz it is;
At Royalty Bow Bells you'll laugh till painful to the joints it is;
Good Fortune at St. James's is (by hardihood or other hood),
The Cup at the Lyceum and the mystic dual brotherhood.
At Prince of Wales's-bode of ill,
We seldom hear the name !-
The Court and eke the Vaudeville
The bills remain the same.
But in my bit of rhyming, why, I think I've shown at least
There's heaps of entertainment for the man, if not the beast.

l'4w. f, 1881.1 F,' n.' -. 9

(Bdoing little agreement or cornpact between ourselves and
our beloved and obliging readers.)
SUPPOSE we make-
For custom's sake
And ancient institation-
For this new year, -
0 Reader dear,
A solemn resolution;
Unknown to man
A better plan;
We're itching to begin it
With might and main:
We'll just explain
Your part and parcel in it.
Whene'er you -run
To purchase Fum,
With bright anticipation
Too strong to speak,
E,:hi pas ing-wre k
Upon its publication
Don't read the print
With sordid stint
Of hitting admiration,
But tell.the-earth
With bout and t :itmation.
Just stand about
The curb and about
'With wild consuming laughter,
And so behare
That Fleet-street'p nave,
1'Shall ring from wall te ralter.
'vwlI] not be long
Before u thr ro
.A motley o :ngregation
S'We quite exp,:ti,
Will thtre co:.i..t
Insearch of explanation.
But, chuckling hard,
You disregard
Their agitated queries;
And, gasping, raise
Disjointed phrase-
The after-mentioned series:--
"More air! I choke!
A splendid joke !
I lose my self-possession !-
How can they fit
Such subtle wit
To such refined expression ?"
Oh dear oh dear!
I feel it here-
Excessive laughter's gnawings!
Spare my distress
0 letterpress !
Have mercy, 0 ye drawings! "
When you begin
Exclaiming in
So natural a fashion
Police of sense
Will bear you thence
And charge you, in compassion.
And now's your chance:
At once advance
.. In presence magisterial,
And simply place
Before his grace
The mirth-inspiring serial;
This scheme of pith,
|lehurrency methodical,
Would. advertise
Jn goodly wise
Our splendid periodical.

Ts AN ,p fl A :BaTRON ShIsT.-POlycarp.
Irs toothp.Ilast, *Pat wishes to wake the dead.

School Board Examiner (improving the occasion) :-" CHILDREN, LOVE AND HONOUR
8. E.:-" GLAD! WHY?"

There's Nothing Like "Paper" I
A HOUSE made entirely of paper, and fitted completely with fm nature and chattels
made of the same material, is one of the novelties of Melbourne Exhibition. We
have not read the details of the construction of this curious edifice ;' but if it is like!
the paper houses" we sometimes hear of in this city its foundations, we may take
it, are laid-we had almost written blue laid-on bill-stamp paper. As to its main
features, the walls would naturally be manufactured from wall-papers," whilst the
beams, uprights, and other necessary supports would, we presume, be cut out of a
good strong post." As to the bedsteads, the owner of the house would only have,
to go to his printer to obtain "four posters" for the asking; and if hle duly procured
a ream of "pott," it ought surely to have been simple work to makeit up into pans,
bowls, and other such utensils. "Sheets" for the bedding would be forthcoming in
any quantity, and a "ream" or two of assorted paper would meet all other varied
requirements of the builder, or rather "Bill-der," as he would now be called.

Wait for the Wigan.
THERE are two candidates before the Wigan constituency, Messrs. Powell and
Lancaster, and whilst the former ought certainly to "Powell" all the rot ers who go
to "Powell," the latter has an undoubtedly capital chance. The qAesticn is,
however, whether or not each "Wigan Tory has not a right to v.:.te,.fo: both
"Tory and Whig" candidates ?

Please tihbe:Pigs I
.ACCORDING to the latest Land Leggue 'edct, the system of "Boycotting" has
been extended to the pigs kept throughout'th 'disturbed districts of Ireland-these
inconsiderate porkers being avowedly "tI e gentlemen as pays the riht!

a 1

10 FUN.

[JAN. 5, 1881.7

-~iV .0


Awkward Moments.
WREN, having proffered a shabby-looking person a penny under the
impression that he is a beggar, you see by his astonished look that he
is a gentleman dressed eccentrically.
When, on being asked to sing something comic to amuse the child-
ren at the vicarage, you find you have commenced a song only fit for
an extremely convivial gathering of the male sex.
When, having given instructions that you are not at home" and
having heard the door closed, you think the visitor has gone (but he
hasn't), and you roar out to the domestic, Well, Mary, what did that
ass So-and-So want ?"
When, having told your host that if there is one thing in this world
that you cannot stand, it is a big fat woman, you suddenly remember
that his wife is nearly six feet high and proportionately stout.

Coming through the Rye."
Miss RiY's "Emigration Home for Destitute Little Girls" at
"Avenue House, Peckham, is in great want of funds to carry on the
good work of sending homeless children to Canada. By sending, her
some money, as much as possible, our readers can-aid-her to send
many to one of our dependencies," and thereby raise them from a
dependent state to a state of in-dependency. The givers will then
" avenue "pleasure, and the children will avenue" life; and though
it will be all a-Rye, it will be also be all-Rye -ght.

Vow Ready, the Thirty-eighth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
fagenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. Od. each.
Also Reading Cases, 1s. d. each,
One Shilling; by post, 1s. 2d.,
Uniform with the above,
Round Table Books-One Shilling each Post, Is. 21d.
Their Cards, and How They Played Them.
The continued demand for this book has rendered it necessary to print
another large edition, which is now ready for delivery as a Standard
Shilling Book, and is the first of a series to be called Round Table

Is madf of the FINEST materia and C a d b u -
wrk e th Cocoa thickens in okp
md is =c moe ef anemil than i 1 0 the cup it proves
mn hanadulterd "P which the addition ofE
yuji F ite Awa in Usin. S O A P S ,tarch. i -l J^Cl
One trial will ensure its constant use.
Sold in 11b. bars at ad. Of all Grocers, Oilmen, and Stores. PURE !! SOLUBLE !!! REFRESH ING !

Printedaby JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Pabliahed (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet Street, B.C.-London, Jan. 5, 1881.

As SupidSo
AU DI ES 2*l

[J r. 5, 1881.

JAN. 12, 1881.] F U N 1 I

lirty and ojectieonably familiar Traesman :-" I ASSURE YOU, LADIES, I AM A-DOIN' A MOST ENORMOUS BUSINESS I SELLS EVERYTHING

; FnoIi some recently-published accounts it seems that the cost of
conferring the freedom of the City on the King of the Hellenes
was nearly 2,000, of which sum no less than 13 was spent
in perfumery. That the City should wish to keep itself "in good
odour" in all possible ways we can well understand; but to spend
13 in Jockey Club, Opoponax, and Mille-Fleurs Essence was
scarcely the way to accomplish this.
To Smokers.
A BAD wife is a shackle to her husband's feet; but bad tobacco is a
thorn in' a man's side, and smoking it, as many persist in doing,
handicaps a human heavily in life's chase. Steam power is a wonder-
ful thing, and has never been more happily applied than by A. H.
Thorbecke and Co., of Manheim, and Basinghall-street, London, in
the manufacture of their "Monopoly" cigarettes, as it has enabled
them to produce cheap and, at the same time, good firm smokes, which
ought to sell like steam. Thorbecke and Co. use a variety of tobaccos
in the manufacture of the "Monepoly" cigarettes, including some
"pure Turkish." It is very satisfactory to find anything pure con-
nected with Turkey, and A. H. Thorbecke and Co. are to be con-
gratulated on having found it.

Indian "Currie."
CFOiTr men have been praising the appointment of the senior partner
in Glyn's Bank to a seat in the Indian Council as a piece of very

judicious patronage. It is in reality, however, the result of ,bare-
faced selfishness on the part of the members of the said Council.
Being old Indians almost to a man, they could not get on without
their Currie," and now the Government has given them what they
asked, and India will have to pay for it-at the rate of 1,200 per
annum. And thus even a Liberal Government will "currie favour
when it can, it would seem, with the rich and influential.

Pitching it too Strong.
AT Colchester, the other day, the clown in the pantomime drew
caricatures of Lord Besconsfield, Mr. Gladstone, and others on a
stretched canvas, and finally put his head through the frame, when
some one flung a bottle at him; but who the offender was was not
discovered. That the delinquent was a juvenile there can be no doubt,
for it is a well-known fact that youth will have itsfling."

"A Wee Drappie."
ALTHOUGH the long expected cession of Dulcigno has become an
accomplished fact, the Montenegrins do not seem particularly in-
toxicated over their success. This, however, is hardly to be wondered
at; because, after all, they have only got a little port.

MR. TIMOTHY HORGAN invited to attend at the Mansion House
two parties whom he accused of inciting a pugilist to damage him.
This is evidently a Horgan that objects to be played upon."


12 FUN.

T LOVE to hear the pleasant sound,
I The merry rippling trilling;
I joy to hear the peal go round,
The room with gladness filling.
I'm not so young as years ago;
With care my brow is shaded;
I squint, I'm told: I'm bald, I know :
My cheeks and lips are faded.
I'm very lame, and limping drag-
One foot the other after;
S Bat oh, I love to hear girls wag
Their tongues in cheery lIaghter,!
S Yet, though I know them voidl f sense,
The jocund sounds Itreaaure,-
But as their laugh's t s y expense
'Tit-not unsullie, pleasure.

OarneInr are not what they were, sir! especially other peoe's
children. My own, Liam glad to say, though anything but Sandfords
and Mertons, still yield obedience, as a rule, to my authority; but
when it comes to the olive-branches of'one's friends and neighbours, I
am th'ocked to find how utterly lost toe all sense of reverence for their
superiors and consideration for their elders they have become.
And it has come to the olive-branches of my friends and neigh-
bours in my case, I am sorry to say : for on Twel]th-Night, I, over
persuaded thereto by the partner of my Extra-Special bosom, gave
a.children's party. "Itis so pleasant to see a lot of little darlings
enjoying themselves! my wife had pleaded, and in a weak moment
I consented, and agreed to be home for the evening, and act in a
general way as master of the revals.
Twenty-three children were invited, and twenty-four eame : for the
little Manchips brought with them a cousin from the West Indies
named Shepperby, an impish young mulatto of ten summers, who
proved the demon of the evening and went into a well-bsinulated
epileptic fit when corrected for his faults.
As you know, sir, I like doing well and thoroughly everything I
attempt, and with a view of making our children's party a success I
went to the trouble and expense of hiring a Punch and Judy Show;
and of inducing an obliging friend named Sinkins, who is a very clever
amateur wizard and a most merry wag withal, to promise to look in
during the evening and help keep the ball of fun tolling; in addition
to which I was at considerable pains to procure for myself an appro-
priate get-up in which to appear as Father Christmas and distribute
the gifts from the tree, which was to be one of the features of our
STea passed off in comparative quietude. But for a tendency on the
part of little Master Treed to disappear from view beneath the table
and pinch the legs of the young ladies present, I might even charac-
terise that meal as a success, though the mulatto, developing his
instincts thus early, insisted on having a fancy sponge cake ake shaped like
an elephant cut for him, in spite of my assurances that the oblong
penny variety, of which there were dozens, was of exactly the same
taste and quality.
But the fact w as the ice was not yet broken, and what I took to be
good behaviour was but the result of the diffidence often associated
with ill-breeding and bad manners. This I soon found when, in a fatal
moment, I cheerily suggested a round of blindman's buff by way
of making our little guests feel at home. It was an ill-advised move;
for blindman's buff is a game which considerably arouses even the
most placid children ; as to our juvenile visitors, it had the effect of
plunging them suddenly into a well-nigh delirious state of excitement.
Several of the boys, indeed, were more like urchins possessed, and
pranced and shouted wit and shouted with a fervour which in about five minut five minutes so
upset Mrs. Exba-Special that-after vainly trying to save the table-
legs from the infuriated assault the infuriated assaults of the Masters Butterfield (3), who,
in their demoniac mirth, beat them savagely with my choicest
walking-sticks, whooping the while-she went off into hysterics, and
retired from the scene attended by her mother, a stern, bony lady, as
you know, sir, with a beard, whose presence was the only influence
likely to rule the rising storm.
Left alone with my guests, I quickly discovered my utter helpless-
ness, as the iuder and -bigger boys, despising the tame sport of
assaulting inanimate furniture, made such a deliberate set, with knotted
pocket-handkerchiefs, on poor Master Witteycombe, the meek youth
who was "blindman," that he fell into the fire in his fear, and had to

' [JAN. 12, 1881.

be sent home, with my compliments, reeking with hartshorn. This
episode enabled me to change the game, and wishing to moderate the
excitement I determined to bring on the Punch and Judy Show,
which was already on the premises, out of its place in the programme.
So, summoning Codhn and Short" from the kitchen, where I
regret to say I found them secreting light pastry in their pupppt-box
with the connivance of the cook, I bade them strike up at once in the
hall. Punch's first "rooity-toot," however, so far from having a
sobering result, affected the ruder boys verynch as the "tanrantara"
of the trumpet is said to affect the superannuated war-horse," and
they rushed off with a yell, each dragging a screaming girl after him,
to a fresh field for their outrages. The fact that the green baize curtain
of Punch's temple was too short to reach to the bottom of the frame,
and that Codlin's feet were, in consequence, visible, was most unfortu-
nate, for the sight of that showman's lumpy highlews prompted the
mulatto, as soon as the murder of Judy and the baby was,consummated,
to "let fly" at them, as he called't, with a paper weight he had
secured by a fitful raid into the drawing-r.om.
The bolt was aimed only too well, and watching poor Codlin well on
the ai kle, caused him to jump high into the ir with a Asream of pain.
Nor was this all, for in coming down again he fell forward, carrying
the show with him bodily, on to the top of Short with his big drum,
and involving in the wreck the seven little hoys aad girls in the front
row, who, as it often happens, were the o;4y really nice-mannered
children present.
Whilst I was occupied in sorting out the littlevictims from amongst
the debris, Master Shepperby and a few choice spirits made a dash into the
kitchen, and bore off most of the supper sausage-rolls and penny tarts
in a bucket, after severely pinching our somewhat obese cook in the
fleshy part of her arms. For the rest of the evening, indeed, our
house presented a pandemoniacal scene. Even the bedrooms were
invaded, and the W. D. S., and numerous other initials out deeply on
the footboard of the mahogany four-poster in the spare guests' chamber,
account only too significantly for the twenty minutes' lull which at
one period of the evening so astonished me. I should have sent to
warn Mr. Sinkins not to trouble to come round, but I was too disturbed
to think of anything, and that devoted wag and amateur wizard came
- alas unwittingly-to his doom. To say that the Shepperby gang
pelted him with the very eggs (" shop ones, too, unfortunately) and
lemons he would, under happier circumstances, have extracted from
their hair and jacket pockets, is only to hint at the indignities he
suffered. I shudder to think what became of the rabbit he brought
with a view of producing it from a tin loaf ; and as to his gold fish,
there is scarcely a day that I do not scent one out from behind a pic-
ture, or shake one from a curtain's folds.
Not wishing to be burned in my own house, I postponed the magic
lantern, and only donned my Father Christmas costume as a desperate
last resort. It was, of course, a failure. "Yah! shouted the
malign mulatto, when I appeared shaking flour from my beard;
"it's only old Mr. Extra-Special playing the fool. Lets chivvy
him! And I regret to say, sir, that they did. Yes, I was chivvied
in my own house on Twellth-Night, and were I to write ten more
columns I could not add to the significance of this sad recital of my
woes. In fact, I refuse to dwell longer on that terrible evening, and
will only add that wild horses would not drag out of me the invita-
tions for another children's party.

MESS S. TANGrc BnOT nrES have contributed the munificent sum
of 10,000 to the Birmingham Permanent Art Gallery. In future
there will be something extremely expressive in the remark that So-
and-So has given something Tanyye-ble.
SAt the annual great Horse Fair at Preston some heavy horses from
the northern agricultural districts fetched over 100 each. These are
heavy sums, but we suppose the owners wouldregard them as onlyfair
prices. r, II
A writer in society compares politics to a game at cricket. There
is one way in which the simile is undoubtedly good. Those who ale
in most often get bowled out.
A" man at Nuneaton was sentenced to 14 days' imprisonment for
stealing his own boots from the shop where he had left them to be
repaired. Things have certainly altered. It used to be, He that
steals what isn't his'n, when he's cotched '11 go to prison." Well may
we say, Oh, law! oh, law !"

ONE-eight-eight-ought has "doused his glim,"
One-eight-eight-one has lit his lamp;
Ought's" evil ways went out with him;
"One" looks just such another scamp.

WE have an able critic; and we sent the same about
To see the pantomimic entertainments that are out ;
Anud-(surely from intemperance, or something of the sort)-
He sent us in a truly unaccountable report.
Though searching in the papers to a marvellous amount,
We cannot find the pantomime contained in his account
Which clearly has resulted, we are driven to decide,
From fancy and mendacity conjointly misapplied.
With simulate oblivion, impervious to shame,
He knoweth not the theatre's locality or name;
From his muddled recollection the obstruction only falls
At the moment when he finds himself reclining in the stalls.
Here memory, regenerate, requires no further jog:-
The pantomime commences with the Home of Demon Fog,"
Where, unilluminated by the sun's improving beams,
The Demons of Misplacement are developing their schemes.
Deserting these abysses of destruction and despond,
We reach the Headless City at the waving of a wand;
And here the breathless audience discovers with delight
A land of lovely monuments-a most enchanting sight.
It seems a region situate at Paradise's door,
A land of perfect beauty and delight for evermore,
Unmarred by disadvantages, untenanted of griefs;
A land of grand memorials and brilliant bas-reliefs.
And here, with preparations of unlimited extent,
They all prepare to celebrate a popular event,
A prince of veiled cognomen having recently proposed
To wed a royal ladylove whose name is undisclosed.
But lo! as these festivities are in the fullest swing
There happens to the Paradise a most disastrous thing:
They find each lovely statue, which so recently had shed
Its rays of joy and loveliness, has wholly lost its head.
With anger and commotion all the populace proceed
To find the malefactor who has done the bitter deed;
They fit an expedition; but they haven't far to roam ;
They come upon the criminal, apparently a gnome.
But angrily demolishing the demon's outer dress
They find that kindly fairy, Prince Opinion of the Press,
Who'd simply done the damage in that horrible disguise,
With the purpose of beneficently opening their eyes :
The fairy's wise destruction makes them clearly understand
The Demons of Misplacement and the schemes they have in hand;
For the Demons' whole vocation is to carry out a plot
To place each thing existing in the most improper spot.
By all the city's populace the fact is clearly seen
That, had they placed their statues where their statues should have
In place of being blinded by the Demons' potent spell,
They'd all have had their heads on, and of course been doing well.
Sa, headed by the fairy, all the populace repair "
To rout the wicked Demons in their Caverns of Despair;
And the Demons being subjugated, sat upon, and chained,
The object of the fairy is victoriously gained. ,BEED
Upon their all returning to the City of Delights,
They find that all the statues'have regained their proper sites !
And further, as a consequence, to please them even more
Their heads are on their shoulders even tighter than before.
Lo, all their fine memorials and lovely bas-reliefs,
As stated, being happily recovered from their griefs,
Once more the preparations go triumphantly a-head
For the prince of veiled cognomen and his lady to be wed.
And thereupon the lady, who is named, as you opine,
And as we now discover, Lady Beauty of Design,"
Is wedded to her handsome and inimitable knight,
The gallant Prince Undoubted Suitability of Site."

Considerably Cut Up.
AT a meeting at Edinburgh of the Scottish Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals, Councillor Sloan took exception to the hissing
of some ladies. We think it was quite excusable; the horrors of
vivisection are so great that any allusion to them is sufficient to make
ladies iss-terical.

Tsmnj ady :-" When poor sheep are godig to be killed do you
thik they know it?"
Boy :-" Some of 'em do; more of 'em don't, miss!"

A DnaD that the terrible Fenians are onceusore going to turn up
somewhere or other is gradually making itself felt; and we should
like to mention, just by way of timely precaution, that all well-disposed
citizens ought to clothe themselves in the thickest coats they have, so
as to thoroughly protect their arms. In Ireland the loyal inhabitants
are quite in a state of panic on the subject, in connection with which
a little incident that lately happened is well worthy of record.
A landowner, in a county which shall be nameless, has for many
years employed the services of a trusty servant named Pat, who has
not yet been infected with the doctrines of the Land League, and
regards his disaffected countrymen as under the influence of a very
evil eye indeed. A night or two ago Pat came rushing into the
drawing-room in the hottest haste, and looking as white as a sheet.
What's the matter now, Pat?" asked his master.
"Shure, sorry, but they're come at last!" answered he, quaking in
every limb.
W are come at last ?"
"The Faynians, your honour."
"Nonsense The man must be mad."
"Divil a bit is it that I'm mad, though !" Pat replied, with an
air of offended dignity.
Then what on earth do you mean ? Speak up at once! said hia
"Badad, thin, but I will, sorr. It wasn't ten minutes since, but
jist as I'd leftthe town, and was coming across the waste with the pig
I'd bin to fetch for ye, but I-and it is a dark night, sorr, as black as
my Sunday hat-I heard the tramp of feet, and the Gineral cried,
" Halt and thin he cried, Right face March!" and I dropped
down into the ditch, and the Faynians all marched past me-a
thousand at the laste-and my heart jumped into my mouth, sorr,
and I thought I was dead, and laid there till I got up again, and I
heard them go out of sight, and I left the pig, and I ran back here as
fast as my legs would carry me, and shure the Faynians have already
taken the Town Hall and are coming on to burn down the old house,
sorr "
After all it was only one of the Flying Columns!

Lisson to This!
No one in Lisson-grove was ever known to put his or her ear to a
keyhole. The old proverb, "' Lisson "-ers hear no good of them-
selves, is known and acted upon in the above district.

,JAN. 12, 1881.]


[JAx. 12, 1881.



-V Ei L
___ III ').. N"

"I can assure you of the thorough effectiveness of this apparatus; in fact, I most solemnly swear to it-my assistant most solemnly
swears to it."
'[~ L7K

"Pray don't refuse to order it. It cannot fail to answer by any possibility. Here's my wife and little one ready to stake their
happiness on the effectiveness of the article."

" Eh Ahem-' Guarantee it,' sir ? Well-the fact is we make a point of never guaranteeing articles. You see, in the case of their
not answering-."

FUJN.-JAN. 12, 1881.


- I


YCEUM. -The Cup,
by Alfred Tennyson.
-From every point
of view the production of
this tragedy must be re-
garded as a success ; the
plot is a sad and painful
one, but full of dramatic
interest, and is rendered
\ by Henry Irving and
Ellen Terry with such
Subtle beauty and artistic
skill as to satisfy the
student as well as the
lover of the dramatic
art. No praise can be
too high for the manner
in which the piece is
Mounted, the dresses and
scenery being so perfect
as to make the complete
work one grand art
PRIN Css s' S.-Mr.
Booth scores another success in Thie Fool's Revenge. In America it is
considered that in the character of Bertuccio this accomplished artist
dises to the highest pitch of his power, and as far as dramatic force
goes perhaps this is so; the cunning, hatred, longing for vengeance,
coupled with the tenderness and love for his child-in fact, all the
varied passions-being given with an ability that is rarely seen; yet
we think in Richelieu he has more opportunity for the display of his
great talent. Mrs. Vezin plays the disagreeable part of Francesca
Bentivoglio with dignity and power, and Miss Gerard the part of
Fiordelisa with great tenderness and delicate feeling. The other
characters do not call for special mention, further than that with the
short runs it perhaps would be difficult for Mr. Gooch to get together
a better working company. .- ierr,
ALNoAMErA.-The management has strengthened the entertainment
by the production of a new ballet, Hawaia, by Alfred Thompson, whose
taste and fancy, as well as his knowledge of the harmonies of colour, are
once more proved to be of the finest order; the plot is romantic
and sufficient to interest the audience. Madame Pertoldi is as grace-
ful and agile as ever, and the dramatic poses of Mle. Gillert are of an
accomplished statuesque kind.

"AN escape of gas being detected at the Albert Hotel, Craven-road,
Westbourne-terrace, Mr. John Mullins took a light to ascertain its
cause." It is not the extraordinary character of this occurrence
which induces us to record this fact; for the occurrence possesses no
such character, it being the usual and accepted thing to search for an
escape of gas with the aid of a light. No-the extraordinary thing
about it is, that Mr. John Mullins was subsequently "seriously
Now there is a strange coincidence which we have frequently
observed on the occasion of these searches for escapes. We have
noticed that almost always after persons have been engaged in
"searching with a light they become more or less burnt." It
almost seems as if there were a connection of some mysterious kind
between the two occurrences; and yet none but the most unreason-
ingly superstitious could entertain a belief of the things being
anything more than coincidence. We might as soon suppose that
there existed a connection between the different occurrences related in
each of the following paragraphs.
Mr. James Jones having noticed, the other day, the presence of a
mad bull in his back yard, entered the yard for the purpose of ascertain-
ing the size of the holes punctured by the horns of the animal when
under extreme irritation. Mr. Jones was discovered, later in the day,
with two holes, about two inches in diameter, extending through him
from back to front, such as might be made by the horns of a bull.
Mr. William Smith perceived a large bottle containing a mixture
of strychnine, prussic acid, vitriol, arsenic, and corrosive sublimate on
biss.table the day before yesterday, and immediately quaffed the con-
t..ts to ascertain whether the bottle was really there. About one
mhnuie after a complaint of "pains" was made, and, strange to say,
by the very gentleman mentioned in connection with the bottle

There's Poison in The Cup.' '
The Opp has been produced at the Lyceum, 'TiS a cup that does
it ch~e, neither does it inebriate; but the "pison" is droMl, a94d the
ip4exc cheers The Cup.







H, fair my Intended, thou
cheerest me so
That my heart is abob on
the wavelets of glee
To hear that thou hast, but a
moment ago,
Been posting a loving epistle
to me.
Describe, oh describe that un-
merited prize;
The words that are in it-its
shape, and its size.

Oh, tell me again, to my thrill-
ing, intense,
Sw Unqualified joy, of thy mak-
ing so free
"* .''* With stops and coherency,
grammar and sense,
In telling thy ardent affection for me,
And trusting that letter, as warm as a toast
From the fire of thy heart, to the passionless Post."
Oh tell me again thou hast put in the same-
(I speak of that letter, the cause of my bliss)-
Adjoining my metaphor-qualified name,
A dot in the corner, to stand for a kiss.
Yet now through my agonized bosom has shot
A pang of uneasiness, touching that dot.
How keenly the pang, like a poisonous asp,
Is blighting the rainbow of joy on its stem:
All letters in transit, I find, with a gasp,
Are the Postmaster-General's chattels pro tern.
Confound it! the Postmaster-General's got-
This moment, perchance, is enjoying-my dot !
Suppose some degenerate postman were tried
For stealing that letter-just realize this !-
Suppose that the papers should state far and wide
That that is the Postmaster -General's kiss-
Thy kiss, my Intended, my cherished, my life :
And what would be said by the Postmaster's wife?
Just fancy it known that the carrier" stole
A kiss from my prudent, my modest, my fair!
Considering matters, it can't, on the whole,
Elicit surprise that.I tug at my hair !
There's simply no saying who might or might not
Get hold of my precious, my priceless, my dot!
Supposing the Postmaster-General went,
And clung to that kiss, and he held it in store
Until we were wedded in peace and content;
Then came with a thundering bang at the door,
And flourished the dot like a triumphing gnome,
And broke up for ever our trust and our home!
No doubt that he would, on perceiving the dot,
Re-seal the epistle as quick as could be,
And, coughing discreetly and feeling quite hot
At the awkward position, come quickly to me
And banish my fears of his breathing a word,
To any one living, of what had occurred.
Suppose that the postman-it might be for fun-
Should take from the letter thy coveted kiss,
And rudely annexing it, substitute one
From another young dame-some impertinent miss
For me; and the matter got whispered to thee,
My goodness! a nice little scene there would be!
Such terrors have potency vastly above
The fear of the bailiffs-the dread of a ghost;
Oh, how shall I chide thee, my precious, my love,
For trusting so priceless a thing to the post ?
Oh, bring them in future; I prithee do not
Believe in a frail and purloinable dot I

A Taking Character.
A MAN at Durham was charged with pocket-picking, but in defence
contended that it was impossible for him to have done so on account
of his arm being paralysed. His coat was removed, and there sure
enough was an emaciated and apparently useless limb; but on the warder
being sent for this officer stated that the withered arm did not prevent
the prisoner making exceptionally active use of it at dinner-time,
whereupon he was sentenced to nine months' hard labour, so that he
will have to use it now wither or no.


JAN. 12, 1881.]

I! Mr. Public! Stop a
bit 1
Don't hurry of like that!
Resume your chair.
"Nay, prythee, sit,"
And never mind your
The Theatres we've sung
In quite a pleasant way.
But-you'll be pleased to
hear, no doubt---
We've something more
to say.
For Entertainments by
the score
At Christmas time
WWe sang of Theatres be-
And now we'll sing of
But first we'd frame apologies, sincere and unconventional:-
Last week we made an oversight entirely unintentional
In speaking of performances, well-balanced or sidereal,
We missed the Philharmonic and the Afternoon Imperial;
We thought the Christmas beaker
We had emptied to the dregs
(It didn't make us weaker
In our language or our legs),
But soon we found we hadn't got, in spite of all our skill,
Imperial full measure and we hadn't got our Phil.
Regarding the Imperial, the Hanlon-Lees are there, they are-a
The best of pantomimists, as you're probably aware they are.
The Philharmonic pantomime, The Babes (those in "the wood ") it is,
And, of a certain calibre, indubitably good it is.
"Uncle's" acting, we should sa, would
Gain him some important part;
While the dancing of Miss Heywood's
Not Heywooden sort of art ;
We think Miss Haidee Kingsley Haidellghtful "Babe "-and quaint;
She'd find it an advantage, though, to practise self-restraint.
(Because we left this theatre last week upon the shelf
We've given it a sketch below entirely to itself!)
fflufh-e Qh

T .

[JAN. 12, 1881.

The'envious may show one
How teeth together crash-
The Oxford envies no one
But has a Jolly gNash!
There's Cornetting and Conjuring which readily go down,"
A troupe of clever "niggers "-Wallace, Newlind, likewise Brown;
Aid Vance is alo "to the fore "-for all a lucky chance,
The. Oxford's going forward, as we know, when they add-Vance.

The Canterbury Company has been selected luckily,
And Mr. Carlos" Stuart has commenced his venture pluckily;
The most attractive features of the bill are, inter alia,
The acrobatic Midgets and the ballet Saturnalia.
At the Met." we duly "valley,"
And commend to lots of luck
Gay Art, the newest ballet
(Some good Art-itudes are struck).
The other Halls with spirit seem to cater for the crowd,
Including the Victoria, where spirits ain't allowed."
An' den de Moore an' Burgeth plathe, you'll thee, de more you theek
ob it,
You're thure to want it Moore an' Moore-we know-we 'Burgeth
thpeak ob it.
The distant Agricultural displays the cheery Roundabout,
The Circus and Menagerie will also there be found about.
There's also means of "training"
By a locomotive there-
An artful means of gaining
One the fun of all the fare.-
The show of Mr. Richardson will furthermore be found,
With Shooting Tubes and Wax Works, too, and others I'll be bound.
But e'en suppose you tire of these, or feel disposed to vary 'um,
There's last, but none the less for that, the Westminster Aquarium.
They've there Farini's Zulus," with their beautiful vernacular,
A Night in Pekin, also, which is something quite spectacular
(P. Williams we could deck with
Our approval for the same);
Amphibious Miss Beckwith-
Coming Beckwith added fame.
And, last, the mighty Circus with its gay Arena" scenes-
You shouldn't miss a thing that we have named by any means.

Well, off we go to German Reed's," and then you're bound to say, I /
I think 1
(When once you've seen the acting), these are splendid Reeds to play,
I think;
And then to Loo and Labial, and such things in the tasky line, I
Great things in the concealment way by clever Mr. Masky-line. "I V
But if you get the fidgets,
And his mysteries appal,
Why, go and see the Midgets
At the Piccadilly Hall;
Or seek the Polytechnic to relieve you of your care, i
You're certain to be satisfied--Utopia is there.
The Oxford has a Christmas bill (to pay) which proves some activeness, -
Will Atkins and the following conduce to its attractiveness: ff
Misses Vandyke and E. Victor (who'd E. Vict-her were a greeny
And Mr. Patrick Feeny (who is probably a Feenyun).

JAN. 12, 1881.] F U N. 19

YEsTERDAy, as I saw and heard
A linnet lost amid the rime,
I thought of my fleet-feathered bird,
Who loved me-when she had the time,
And all the day I dreamed the dear
Old dream we never took for truth,
Before the record of the year,
In which we crammed an age of youth.
But is it dead, our youth ? No more
Than our old love day-dreams renew;
And if you knocked now at my door,
My heart would open unto you.
Feel, it can flutter still; and, see,
Mine eyes can still some faith express;
Ccme back, Musette, and eat with me
The holy bread of happiness.
Already shelves and stools and chairs,
Dumb things that make the musie-'home
Wake up, and put on gala airs,
At the mere empty whisper, come.
Come back, 'tis all as once it was,
Only your going made all bare,-
The narrow board, and that big glass
VWhere you eo often drank my shase.
You'll put on the black dress again,
And one of those old Tartan hoods;
Once more we'll take the Sunday train
And go discover Cockney woods.
In trellised arbours, near the swing,
We'll quaff the crHi of seventy-one,
In which your carol dipped its wing
Before it soared into the sun.
Ah, love remembers me at last,
And takes the well known way of yore
(Her yuletide rapturously past),
To signal shyly at my door.
But as I kissed my truant pet
I half regretted the good-bye :
Musette, who was no more Musette,
Told me that I was no more I.
We'll give it up, poor broken bird,
That flew from me, and stumbled back;
Our youth, our love are both interr'd
Within the old torn almanac.
It's only through a mist of rain,
And digging deep into the frost,
That we in memory hold again
The keys of paradises lost.

THE Editor of FUN has received the following heartrending
Sin,-I am led to believe that this is a period of the year when even
the flinty hearts of Nonconformists and other heathens are occasionally
humanised by the universal beneficent influence of pity. I have
heard, indeed, that even an Agnostic has been known to give twopence
to a cabman as a New Year gift, wherefore I beg to solicit your
assistance in behalf of the Martyrs of Conscience who are either lan-
quishing in chains or painfully recovering from the effects of an
unjust incarceration. We should require a little fund of, say, five or
six thousand pounds, with which we propose to give the martyrs a
trial after their own meek hearts. Firstly, we should engage one of
Messrs. Cook's most experienced (and Ritualistic) conductors, and
under his care we should place the martyrs for a lengthened tour
through Catholic Europe, which would comprise all the monastic
establishments, all the gaudiest chapels, all the galleries where they
have saints with their heads on one side, from Madrid to Vienna.
Secondly, we would furnish the martyrs with money to buy anything
they fancied in the way of birettas, reredoses, scapularies, &c. As
for the poor sainted innocents who might still be in durance vile, we
would endeavour to keep their spirits up with such carnal comforts as
Old port, foie gras, nice wadded monks' gowns, and the newest things
,out in the way of controversial literature. We subscribe ourselves
,Put not our money)
'Sia~- Pray, pray ask your three or four million readersto send me
something, any mite will do, in aid of those poor darling little panto-
mime imps. Think of their dear little faces all pea-green, and a tail'
affixed to their poor little tights. Think of it, and send your money


to me. Stamps preferred, or bank notes.-Yours faithfully, on
behalf of the pets, J. DIDDLER.
SIR,-Is this a time only for the distribution of substantial charity P
for the bestowal of coarse beef and pudding alone ? No, sir; let us
bestow charity on the poor of spirit also; to which end I beg to
make this solemn appeal to the great Conservative party on behalf of
that poor dislocated chaos that calls itself the Liberal Majority. I
suggest that during the winter a number of noblemen and gentlemen
should devote themselves to the instruction of this unfortunate party
in ethics, history, grammar, political economy, &c. Thus Lord John
Manners and Lord Bateman might give the wretches elementary
notions of political economy; Salisbury would undertake the depart-
ments of history and geography; Lord Beaconafield should instruct
them in pure ethics and grammar; and perhaps I might add that in
literature they might find worse tutors than your humble servant and
petitioner, T. TWADDLER.

A Saving Clause.
IN a letter to the papers Lady John Manners has made a most
admirable suggestion with regard to gratuities -to those persons to
whom we give beer money." She suggests that some stamps be
given instead, on one of the Post Office Savings Bank forms, and so
encourage thrift. We sincerely hope the idea will be carried out.
The present practice of giving money only tends to increase drunken-
ness, while this scheme would literally stamp it out. The drinking
customs of the people are so bad that it is'high time they were im-
proved in their Manners.

A "NELLY "-GANT MONARCH.-The King of the Hellenes."



[JAN. 12, 1881.


.OVER THE WATER TO JARLEY'S." 2Vow Ready, the Thirty-eigIth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
PAwIs is to have a waxwork like our Tussaud's or Mrs. Jarley's. THIRTY-SECOND VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Very much like the famous establishment last named, we are Magenta cEh 4a. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases or binding, 1s. Sd. each.
disposed to think, seeing that the promoter of the Parisian concern is A.lo Reading Cases, la. 9d. each,
no other than M. Grevin, the distinguished caricaturist of the
Journal Amusant, &c. It goes almost without saying, therefore, that One Shilling; by post, 1s. 2d.,
similar methods to those employed by the lady of the caravan to IFE IsN LODGING8. BY TOM HOOD.
attract the public will be resorted to at the Gallic Jarley's." "Aux LODGINGS. HOOD.
Grevin, citoyens, au Grivin," will of course be one of the parodies Ovur Oxa HUNDmRD ILLUSTRATIONS BY FBDDHRIOx BAR ARD.
adapted to the occasion, and possibly Wax-t am Rhine may be another; Uniform with the above,
and here, too, is a literal translation of one of the most fetching Jarleian MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE
invocations with which our sprightly contemporary can scarcely afford AM I BOusTRATRD NOVELLTE.
to dispense, and ,which we have much pleasure in placing at his
service. Our readers will no doubt recognize the original. "FUN" OFFICE, 153, FLE T STREET, B.0.
Si j'avais un Edouard qui n'irait point Round Table Booka-One Shilling each .Pot, 1j. 21d.
Pour voir l'exposition des ouvrages cirds de M. Gr6vin,
Croib-tu que je l'avouerais ? Oh, non, non! F 0 U R FL IRTS :
Allez, courez, donc, chez M. Grevin. Their Cards, and How They Played Them.
The continued demand for this book has rendered it necessary to print
From Devon. another large edition, which is now ready for delivery as a Standard
WHrCH portion of the inhabitants of the City of Exeter might Shilling Book, and is the first of a series to be called Round Table
presumably be deemed the most intolerant ?-Those who reside on the Books.
banks of the river, for they are likely to have ze-stream views. 99, SHOE LANE, FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.G.

* eltot o


--."" ESSENCE. ditMioa o
Neither rateh aor prt, the points being r ade.d ba ne
PURE!!! SOLIULEI [! REFRESHINGClI 1 p W--." Sd.''a dCW..u.a :ast^

Pointed by I WJ1D & uO., khiiunx W -r"o, bt. Andrew's HIM Doetore' Commons, SnCP b1ftmhed ihig thb FkjpnvWr) at.le, AroML bbro,,,L.-umn JaUt. 12, IBM1.




JAN. 19, 1881.]


GRISELDA is a pattern maid,
Whom nothing can excite,
By all her slightest word's obeyed-
L She's always in the right.
Her prompt decision is superb,
She knows no wicked spite ;
Her calmness naught can o'er disturb-
She's always in the right.
No breeze that blows can rough her hair
To rude unseemly plight,
No mud to soil her dress would dare-
She's always in the right.
Her steps she bends where she should
She scorns the world's delight;
She answers Yes," she answers No,"-
She's always in the right.
Her figure's tall, her eyes are pale,
Her form is spare and slight;
Her thin, red lips no faults bewail-
She's always in the right.
She always does the thing she should,
Her sayings sages cite,
Because, you see, 'tis understood
She's always in the right.
Should I wed her, they say, my life
Would be serene and bright;
But, oh, I do not want a wife
Who's always in the right.
No, no My bride must have a fault,
Or we'll ne'er jog along;
That woman isn't worth her salt
Who's never in the wrong!

IT appears that the Coventry magistrates
are in a perfect dilemma as to what is the
best means of dealing with juvenile
offenders, birching having proved a com-
plete failure. This is reversing the order
of things: instead of the authorities having
punished the boys, the youngsters have
beaten the authorities. Evidently for a
punishment it is no good "sending chil-
dren to Coventry."
In a telegram from Vienna, dated Jan.
10, it is stated that the Alliance of the
three Emperors may now be regarded as
re-established, and the possibility of a
meeting of the three Sovereigns is being
discussed. We expect if they do meat,
instead of being the Triple Alliance, it
will be the Tipple Alliance.
James John Home, who appeared in the
dock in his postman's uniform, has been
sentenced to five years' penal servitude for
stealing two letters containing stamps.
The powers that be are terribly severe for
this kind of offence. We suppose they
consider theft inexcusable by a man of
It is understood that the Bill to create
a Water Trust for the metropolis is being
prepared by Sir Theodore Martin. This
is the first time we have heard of a water
supply on any trust principle. We expect
to have to pay for ours at any rate.
An Irish landlord is stated to have hit
upon a clever device for collecting his
rents. He informed the priest that in the
event of their being paid he should
receive a commission, and the result was
they were paid immediately. This is
a very literal interpretation of priest-

ACCEPTING A commoner. [Bloggs, though very rich, has not yet been recommended for a peerage.

Policemen at Play.
ON the evenings of the 6th and 7th inst. an entertainment was given in the Bishopsgate Schools
to the members of the City Police Force, when a number of distinguished persons were present
and spoke, the speaking being followed by singing and dancing, in which the bobbies, their wives,
and sweethearts took part. Imagine, if you can, X 92 capering about to the strains of Strauss;
we can't. To our mind he is made of much sterner stuff, and the drills with which we associate
him are not quadrilles. His boots don't seem adapted for the light fantastic, but rather for
feats of strength. However, for once the peelers were "caught on the hop," and, judged
by the accounts, enjoyed themselves right merrily. We are glad. On the whole, they are un-
doubtedly a deserving body of men, and it is but right their merits should be recognized.
The concert was a great success. Policemen are capital conductors, and are never seen to better
advantage than when on the beat," while as to merriment, abobby's rattle is well known. The
selections that were the most successful were The Frog's March," We run them in "
"Robert, toi que j'aime," and "The Boy in Blue."




[JAw. 19, 1881.

UCH times as the
present (thea-
-,|, trically speak-
-J ..... aing), when our
S/ -. fiftyoddmana-
ers have set-
S\tled themselves
\ \a-.'_ ~ down to quietly
S reap the fruits
Iof their Christ-
mas successes
(.. of estima-

i' '',l otherwise), are

'1' >&n .'1 favourable for
the volatile
,',, notices of com-
\Ih ~ '-'"*' cing events.
'There are no
coming events,
or at least very

There is a
new piece, in three acts, '* in active preparation" at the Globe-La
Belle Normande, written by Messrs. R. Mansell and A. Maltby, and in
which, it is understood, Miss Munroe will appear. From the initials
of the parties thus involved it ought to be M-inently successful, and
there should be no reason to cond-M it. Miss Munroe's personal
attractions go far, no doubt, to secure the success of pieces of this
class, but I'Munroe-mantic enough to look for good singing from her
-and get it.

Upstairs and Downstairs, a new farce by Mr. Lewis Clifton, is shortly
to see the light as a Lhve de rideau at the new Sadler's Wells. If
laughter from gallery and pit (upstairs and downstairs) is the result of
the initial piece of the evening, we can easily know, if we will, Lewis
the cause of it. NESTOn.

SAY, what shall I sing to you, queen of my heart ?
Let my larynx assert my devotion.
I'm here at my Collard, and ready to start
When a word sets my larynx in motion.
If music in truth be the language of Love,
I am trained pretty well in the lingo :-
Can coo like a dove in the notes up above,
And the lower can punish, by Jingo !
In French and Italian and Spanish I shine ;
I'm a polyglot wonder completely.
I'll chant you a carol that comes from the Rhine,
Or a Swiss Tu-ra-liety neatly.
The lays of our snug little, tight little isle
I can call up a laugh or a tear in;
And go through the lyrics, in illigant style,
That are dear to the daughters of Erin.
Of opera music I've always a stock;
To the like not a soul ever listened.
From Verdi and Meyerbeer down to Lecocq;-
Never mind how the air may be christened.
My voice has a range and a compass immense ;
(Though it flies now and then tofalsetto.)
No critic possessing the least common sense
Ever sneers at my voice di petto.
Then think what a rare intellectual feast,
Lucky queen of my heart, is before you.
But stay !-I'll not sing. Not at present, at least:
For the banquet I offer might bore you.
Although I could warble my staves by the quire,
'Twould perhaps be as well-and more tender-
To spoon for a while in the front of the fire,
With our feet on the edge of the fender.

"Coll" it by what name you will.
THE Boers taken fighting fairly will be treated well; but any
ruffians caught in the act of pillaging and murdering defenceless com-
batants must expect t short shrift. Even if they are not "sus. per.
coll.," they will be sus. pe. "Colley," which will practically come to
the same thing in the end.


IT was in Ireland, in the wild and uncivilized year 1882, that two
travellers prepared to make a journey across country. They were
engaged in making the most cautious preparations for the safety of
the property they were to carry with them. They started with a
large escort, but they by no means rode in a closed carriage; far from
it, they were perched on a high jaunting-car, which travelled with
extraordinary slowness and steadiness. Another queer thing about it
was that each of the two travellers was observed to have, painted in
bright colours upon the breasts of his overcoat, a device resembling
the bull's-eye and ring of a target.
Posted behind the walls on each side of the road, at intervals of
some hundred yards or so, were tenants taking careful sight along
their rifles. As the jaunting-car progressed it was accompanied by
regular reports; but of all this the armed escort took no notice what-
ever, and the procession arrived safely at its destination-a lonely inn.
It was now noticeable that the two travellers were unable to alight
from the car without assistance; and that it even required the four
powerful men who formed the escort to take each of them down and
carry him into the parlour of the hostelry.
WHILE the twoponderous travellers were seated over their pipes and
punch in the private parlour, a dark and treacherous consultation was
being carried on in a low tone in the adjacent tap-room.
Treasure worth the taking is there, by'r lady I growled a man,
whose dark visage, or at least as much as could be seen of it beneath
a huge slouched hat, boded little of good to the subjects of the con-
versation. Saw ye not how eight stalwart arms had no little ado to
lift them from yonder car? Bedad! "
"That did we," returned another, in a low and husky voice;
"and, so our trusty steel may serve us, the booty shall be ours ere
cock crow, and begorra and eke faix to that! "
As the speaker mentioned his steel, he was observed to produce from
beneath an ample cloak a surgeon's instrument case, and to take
therefrom a probe, pincers, and several bent instruments, eye them
carefully, and replace them.
Come," said the landlord (a man, indeed, of no reassuring aspect),
"prithee let us crush a cup to the success of our undertaking; for, by
my halidome, an' we fail we lose the richest booty this many a league.
Wirrasthrue! "
The bumpers were drained in ominous silence.
MEANWHILE the two travellers prepared to retire for the night. In
answer to a summons their four sturdy retainers entered and carried
them, one at a time, to the sleeping chamber which had been prepared
for them. Nor was it without vast effort that they contrived to hoist
the vast weight of each traveller up the staircase, and deposited him
on his couch. Having, however, accomplished this, the retainers
retired, carefully locking the door on the outside, the travellers being
unable to rise for the purpose of looking it within.
Methinks 'tis foolhardy at the best to travel with so much trea-
sure; with what I have collected in the journey I must i' sooth weigh
some fifty stone."
"And I but little less," replied his companion. "'Tis indeed no
light risk. Nay, there were eyes that watched with a covetous glare
as we alighted from the car."
So saying he placed his dagger in a position more ready to his
THE two travellers had slept some two hours, when one was
awakened by a slight noise, and, cautiously opening his eyes, he per-
ceived around the bed of his companion several masked forms, one of
whom was deeply engaged upon the person of the slumbering traveller.
By his side lay the surgical case, while its owner handled with much
skill the instruments which it had contained. At frequent intervals
he dropped into a stout leather bag small but heavy articles extracted
from the person of his victim. "'Tis a rich booty i' faith and
mavourneen," whispered the others of the group.
To take in the whole scene and form a desperate resolve was with
the awakened traveller the work of an instant. Silently gathering his
whole strength into one gigantic effort, he raised his ponderous frame
high above the couch, and allowed himself to fall with a thundering
crash upon the intruders; nor did he cease to roll to and fro upon
them until they were rolled out perfectly flat to the thickness of a
shilling. The operator alone escaped, but he carried with him the
weighty bag of extracted articles. In another minute the four
retainers were in the room, and the slumbering traveller was awakened.
He started lightly up; then sank back with a cry of despair on finding
himself able to do so.
"All-all taken!" he sobbed, I am indeed ruined! "


THE man with the bag sped, as fast as his booty would permit,
away from the lonely inn. But the retainers were on his track, and
erelong he stood at bay on the edge of a precipice above the murmuring
ocean. Another moment, and with one wild yell he sprang from the
cliff; but a retainer, clutching at the bag of treasure, saved it from
descending with him, and erelong its owner was engaged in joyfully
counting its contents and restoring them to their proper positions
about his person.
What were the contents ? They were bullets. The Irish landlords
having been for some time past paid by their tenants in lead instead of
gold, the latter had become a drug in the market and valueless, while
bullets had attained a value absolutely fabulous. It had become fool-
hardy for a landlord containing any considerable number of bullets to
go about unescorted, robbery being certain.
That the two landlords of our simple narrative had been collecting
their rents was evident to all from the weight of their persons; and
even the escort had not sufficed to insure immunity from robbers, who
were now always armed with the proper surgical instruments for
probing and extracting the booty.
In these wild times your landlord was a man of weight.

DEAR MA FUN,-I write to you because I'm in distress;
You, Mr. FUN, a last resource, I venture to address;
Folks always hurry-do they not ?-to you when troubles throng.
I pray you, dearest Mr. Fux, correct me if I'm wrong.
For any inconvenience to which I may give rise,
I beg, and that emphatically, to apologise;
But as I am a beautiful young lady in my teens-
Why, any end I have in view will justify the means.
Across St. George's Channel, I have heard, there is a League
Created for the purpose of political intrigue,
Which, should you chance displease it, and so many people do,
They what is known as Boycott you, and well they do it, too.
Now, in this town where I'm acknowledged belle among the belles
They've formed a small association very like Parnell's;
This small association doesn't interfere with land,
'Tis passive in its action from what I can understand.
This small association, sir, deliberately went
And took unto itself our bacheloric element,
And one and all are bound to do as one and all may bid,-
They say they hang together, and I really wish they did.
A member, say, proposes, and the lady-pouf !-disdains-
The other members 'are compelled, by penalties and pains,
To have no more to do with her till she apologise,
Ere which humiliation, sir, a girl of spirit dies !
To shun her in the High-street and to shun her at the ball,
To shun her coming out of church and in the concert hall,
In fact, to make her Boycotted as Boycotted can be:
And this, dear, noble Mr. FUN, is what they've done to me !
A miserable member of this miserable band
Audaciously effected a proposal for my hand ;
I need not tell you, Mr. FcN, I told him to get out; "
He said he would have "vengeance," and he has, without a doubt.
To show how all the single men obey the League's dictates,
When skating I, unaided, have to buckle on my skates,
I just might be a spinster, with my residence-a shelf,
For if I tumble down I have to get up by myself.
I leave the ball-room early, and with ev'ry dance unlet,
Unless I dance with pa, and then they try to shun our set,"
It isn't much enjoyment, for he makes such shocking faults,
And gouty men are not the best of partners in a waltz.
I'm taken down to supper by some antiquated muff,
Some married man, and married men go mostly down to stuff.
At church the idiotic League, too, carries on its whims,-
No bachelor invites me now to share his book of hymns.
There Mr. Fox, what think you of this pretty state of things ?
When English girls are treated to these wicked Boycottings,
And this, too, in a country which is eulogised as free-
Bah! tell it to the horse-marines, but not to such as me !
But what I ask you, Mr. FUN, is-what am I to do ?
I see no tiniest of holes by which I can pull through :
There's nothing but surrendering and be that wretch's wife,
And that I'll never, never be-if Boycotted for life.
And now, dear Mr. FUNo, farewell. Excuse my letter's length;
Please write-a word from you will give my resolution strength;
And if you could suggest a way to bettering my fate,
You'll earn the gratitude of Yours affectionately, KATE.

Beg pardon, Colonel, but I think you are sitting on my razors."

GAIETY.-On the 8th instant Miss Litton produced the first of
a promised series of old comedies, The Country Girl. By her accom-
plished acting-well supported by others-Miss Litton has shown us
how a piece that pleased our grandfathers and grandmothers can be
made to gratify ourselves and our sons and daughters, and how town-
bred people may be charmed and delighted by The Country Girl. It
is a good idea she has Lit-on."
ST. JAMEs's.- The hJoney Spinner has been produced here in a
highly successful manner, although by many the plot will not be con-
sidered all that could be desired. The theme is dramatic, and is
worked out by Mr. Pinero in a forcible way, and with a considerable
knowledge of stage requirements. The acting is throughout about as
perfect as only such a company at its best could make it. From the
favour with which the piece has been received, we may hope that The
Money Spinner will, for a long time, spin money for the deserving
THB CONNAUGHT.-La Fille diu Tambour Major, under the general-
ship of Mr. Morton, has marched to this theatre, and is produced with
all the care and completeness (permissible by the confined limits of the
stage) for which M1r. Morton's name is a guarantee; and although
the characters are not all played by the same persons as at the
Alhambra, they are filled by those fully competent to do them justice.
On the opening night Mr. Morton was presented by some of his
admirers with a diamond ring, as a well-deserved recognition of the
merit he has displayed in '" setting" many "gems" before the

The Dickens They Are !
MR. CHAuLES DICsKENS has issued a most useful little work, entitled
" Dickens's Dictionary of Days," recording all the important and
interesting events of the past year. Dickens's different Dictionaries
(there is not one that is indifferent) are becoming positive institutions-
regular Household Words," so to speak, and this latest is specially
interesting on account of its having to do with "All the Year

JAN. 19, 1881.]

24 IFUN. [JAw. 19, 1881.


You look over a house, with a view to purchase. None too firm this floor, is "But isn't this wall just a trifle thin, don't you fancy ?" you ask. Cold
it ?" you say to the Builder. "It's the earthquakes you notice," replies weather, you see," says he-" everything contracted by cold and
that person. Very disturbed and electric state just at present; expanded by heat: fourteen inch work in the Summer, that is;
frequent vibrations noticeable." contracts to nine inch in the Winter."

,' all damp he says. Ye, of course: that's our break, you know. H an breath always contains a onsiderable percentage of water held in suspension;
Builders shold a always build oit in a very short cientime. principles; there are many e kno ens the water ompo esal upon them.
Builders should always build on scientific principles; there are many we know who "build" a good deal upon them.

FTJUI.-JAN. 19, 1881.



JAN. 19, 1881.]




School Board Inspector :-" Where was Cardinal Wolsey born ?"
.Little Boy:-" Please, sir, in the cradle."

THE Entr'acte Annual is full of characteristic sketches, by Mr. Alfred
Bryan, of people notable in the theatrical world, and of entertaining
articles by sundry persons "not unknown to fame."
The Bra Almanac is replete with information interesting to the
theatrical profession and the general public, and contains also a set
of sketches by actors and actresses, which chiefly show how they can
or cannot draw artist-i-call.y, as compared with how they can draw
as artistes.
The Corsican Brothers; Story of the Play, illustrated and printed in
colours, is an elegant souvenir of the successful performance at the
Lyceum. ":
The Universal Instructor, with such genuine information on "uni-
versal" subjects, put before the public in so good and cheap a form,
there ought soon to be no ill-informed people in the universe, as the
lowest to the highest can all go in for self-culture."
Science Gossip will be, as it always is, welcome to all lovers of
The Antiquary, though by no means expensive (considering the rich
variety of its contents), must be dear to all admirers of antiquity.
The Paper and Printing Trade Journal is, from all points of view, a
valuable and wonderful production.
The Day of Rest, amongst other excellent articles, has the com-
mencement of a story by Jean Ingelow," illustrated by Brewtnall.
The number is further enriched with illustrations by Barnard, Small,
Kilburne, &o.
The Leisure Hour contains abundant material, to which may well be
devoted "hours of study."
The Sunday at Home, from the general goodness" of its contents,
may profitably be resorted to on Sunday or on any other day.
Friendly Greetings and The Girl's Own Paper. Words of high
commendation are due to these meritorious periodicals.
Tinsley's Magazine, with three continuous stories and other excellent
articles, affords sufficient attraction to its readers.
The Burlington well deserves attention.
Scribner's Monthly is, throughout, a well-sustained display of the
highest order of merit.
le Follet is attractive as usual.
England from a Back Window." By James B. Bailey, the Dan-
bury Newsman. Readers of this book will learn much about
England that they nevei knew before, and in a way that may be
equally and delightfully new to them.
Nauticus on his Hobby Horse" is an interesting account of a
sailor's cruise upon wheels."

IT is an aged gentleman; around his honoured knee
His offspring, their descendants, and the latter's progenee
Are gathered; with considerable cheerfulness they hail
The antiquated gentleman's exhilarating tale.
It was," he said, I fancy, in the spring of '81,
The noble things I purpose to discourse about wered one,
When I was under seven years, and very, very small;
And little Tommy Tuppeny was leader of it all.
'Twas little Tommy Tuppeny-courageous little man!-
Who boldly gave the impetus to that successful plan:
And many very juvenile but enterprising friends
Supported him with spirit in his salutary ends.
For Tommy, he had recognised-oh, Tommy wasn't dense !-
The sterling perscipacity and admirable sense-
The marvellous discernment, quite approaching the sublime,
In good Sir William Harcourt's words concerning youthful crime.
The good Sir William H. had said, The boys of tender years
Must have their little playful crimes, the pretty little dears;
And no intrusive punishment shall wickedly annoy,
And limit the amusements of, the little English boy.'
And little Tommy Tuppeny and his companions heard
With much of satisfaction good Sir William's weighty word,
Deciding that its spirit, irrespective of its truth,
Had much to recommend it to contemporary youth.
For Tommy very heartily enjoyed his little joke,
The which it was to catapult the eyes of aged folk;
And all his young companions would have suffered many pains
To satisfy their appetite for smashing railway trains.
And Tom and his associates, agreed on ev'ry head
Of what that most intelligent Sir W. had said, 1
Resolved upon bestowing their unqualified support
On schemes of so exceedingly intelligent a sort.
They planned a demonstration, which accordingly was made
With passable commotion at the Lowther's gay Arcade;
They opened their proceedings, did those enterprising boys,
By killing all the traders and annexing all the toys.
It was patent to the elders, who were very much amazed,
That the standard of rebellion was definitively raised;
From every locality, at hand, and far away,
The juveniles in multitudes came up to join the fray.
They used the Polytechnic as a garrison and fort,
And daily did they sally forth intent on youthful sport;
And juvenile hilarity went happily unchecked,
And not a single railway train in London but was wrecked.
And then, with one tremendous shout-it had a joyous ring !-
The juveniles resolved to make Sir William Harcourt king;
Sir W., protesting his unworthiness in vain,
Was subsequently crowned upon the stage of Drury Lane.
Oh, those were grand triumphant times of universal joy,
When good Sir W. was king and I was quite a boy;
The times when not a pane was whole, and not a crib uncract,
And never one adult remained with all his limbs intact !"
The accents of the aged one were now no longer heard:
For all his youthful progeny, without a single word,
Engaged their aged relative with little more ado,
And all that now remains of him is just a bone or two.

Too Big for her Boots.
A SERVANT-GIRL sued her mistress in the Brighton County Court for
a month's wages for wrongful dismissal, she having refused to clean a
window because that would have caused her to climb a ladder, which
she thought improper. The judge, however, thought there was no-
thing immoral, indelicate, nor irreligious in that act, and gave a verdict
for the mistress. We trust this will be a warning to servants, as
evidently those who object to climb ladders mustn't take steps in the
County Court.
Our Boys.
AT the last meeting of the Eastbourne guardians the master reported
that the recent workhouse entertainment was most successful, one old
man, aged 92, having sung The girl I left behind me," whereupon
the vicar, who is over 80, said they must have had a jolly time, when
boys of 92 sang about the girls they left behind them. It is eminently
gratifying to think there are such beings as happy paupers, and it says
much for the veracity of the proverb, Union is strength."




[JAN. 19, 1881.


The Little Old Gentleman who always
gives his penny.


ord Bountiful, a" Tip Topper." The Gentleman who injures the Waiter's
feelings by giving him nothing at all.

IN -
A ;S

A case in which the mention of a tip would be
an insult.

Another case in which it would be equally out of the

The Gentleman who never has any "change."

THB Grosvenor is more than a picture-gallery, sir; it is the
ZEathete's Shrine, and just now especially, when their high priest,
Burne-Jones, has the East Gallery almost to himself, they flock there
with all the ardour of devout Mahommedans travelling to Mecca.
Knowing, then, that I should find the E.Esthetic School in strong
possession in Bond-street, I resolved not to venture amongst its
devotees in my ordinary character as a ratepayer connected with the
Press, or, as they would style me, a howling Philistine," but rather
to myself assume the character of an -JEsthete, and as such worship at
the altar of High Art. Unfortunately, the notion of thus dissembling
did not strike me in time for me to let my back hair grow very much;
but in other particulars I flatter myself I "made up" with great
success; and what with my long hooded overcoat, my collar cut low
on the throat, my blood-red socks and my sunken eyes and hollow
cheeks-these last the results of staying out all night dancing, and
travelling for two hours the next morning between King's-cross and
Baker-street stations on the Underground-made an eminently favour-
able impression on the brotherhood."
1 was a little nervous on entering, although I had been carefully
rehearsing before my looking-glass Mr. Beerbohm Tree's attitudes in
Where's the Cat ? but having previously heard that Nos. 326 and 327
were the pictures before which the initiated first worshipped, I jerked
myself in my mcst angular way in front of them, and then, when
there was a vacant chair, sank limply into it, fell to pieces, so to
speak, and, assuming an appearance of utter and hopeless dejection,
gazed mutely at the Burne-Jonesian "Sea Nymph" (No. 326),
gradually opening my lips till my mouth matched that of the medieval
1 had meanwhile noticed that on either side of me were sitting
.2Esthetes of the most pronounced types-two touzle-haired "sisters,"
holding their Florentine" chins at the orthodox angle, on my right,
and a "brother" on my left, with such a bush of hair protruding
from under his hat that the birds of the air might have built
in it with quite as much facility as the lark and the wren of the
nursery lyric formed their nests in the beard of Mr. Lear's famous
" Old Man."
Rightly assuming that both the "Sea Nymph" and the next
picture, "Cupid's Hunting Ground," were, in their way, "Botti-

celli's," before which it behoved me to be dumb, I said nothing, but
went on gazing, merely altering the angle of my neck occasionally
and rearranging my legs in a fresh but still 2Esthetic straddle.
I could plainly hear the regular breathing of my neighbours, and
without turning my eyes much could notice now and again their limp
lips curl with scorn as some hapless visitor ventured to allude dis-
paragingly to Mr. Jones's gaping dolphin. At these times I took care
to curl my lip, too, as much as I could, and poke forward my head at
a still more uncomfortable angle, as though to atone by increased
devotion- (in plain English, by more crickiness of the neck)-for such
profanation in the presence of the Master's" work.
At last, after about half an hour of torture, I felt so pin-and-
needley all over that I was obliged to get up, an example in which
I was followed by my three kEsthetic companions, who also arose and
followed me to the front of No. 353, The Judgment," one of Mr.
Burne-Jones's most important works, I believe.
This wonderful work of art represents in the background twelve of
Mr. Jones's most listless-looking male figures, sitting uncomfortably
close together on a rout seat, each with a dinner-plate at the back of
his head. Two angels are blowing into things known as shawms."
Dumb as I had been before the "Sea Nymphs," I felt I should like to
say a great dealbefore"The Judgment," notof Paris, butof Jones; but
still resolved to dissemble, I bidedmy time, andstood gazingat the angels
with my head on one side like an observant blue jay. Suddenly one
of the two JEsthetic sisters broke silence. "Oh, cara mia," she
gasped, turning to the other and hanging on to her shoulder by her
two clasped hands; "let us both strive to rise to the level of this."
"Ah, my sweet friend," returned the other, evidently heedless of
my presence, "willingly will I strive, but methinks 'tis too ineffably
intense for us as yet! "
On this the young man with the hair all clustering on his coat-
collar turned his head slowly as on a swivel, and with languishing
look from his lack-lustre eyes said, Courage fair sibters, and we
shall all gain strength to live up even to this quite too luscious
The phrase struck my attention at once as being familiar, and feeling
my chance had come I then turned my head with the swivel-like action
towards the last speaker, and exclaimed, "Joy! Methinks I must be
speaking to none other than the renowned Pilcox "
"I will not deny a name I hope to make immortal," returned the

JAN. 19, 1881.] F U N 29

young man, thrusting a hand into the breast of his coat, "but in the
presence of the effulgent Master "-and here he waved his other hand
towards the picture-" I have no identity. Pilcox is but a nameless
worshipper, like the rest."
I asked Pilcox to reveal to me, as an Esthetic neophyte, whether
there was any other painting in the gallery before which one could go
and be dumb.
"Nay, I have a little effort of my own here," returned he, dashed
oft whilst I was first learning to live up to a hawthorn" jar;
but that is a picture rather to write ballades, royales, and triolets about.
But come, I have ordered a majolica bowl of lilies to be prepared for me
in the adjoining refectory: join me in contemplating them for lunch,
I pray."
Dissembling to the last, sir, I consented, but took care, as my new
AEsthetic friends passed through into the restaurant, to dodge behind
a statue, from whence emerging when the coast was clear, I pulled
myself together a bit and went and had a good basin of turtle soup
and a big rump steak by way of practical atonement for my morning
of deception.

Sra,-Unexpectedly early in the season (but delightedly welcome*)
the Old Man appears once more before his long (and severely) tried
friends the B. P. (and far be it from him to hint that those initials
indicate the words Born Phools "). He will tell them why he does
so-a course his natural common sense and good feeling would have
led him to pursue even without those energetic demands for an
explanation and violent requests to know what the deuce he means
by it," to which he has been liberally treated by a section of the com-
munity which he scorns.
The explanation is as follows :-The writer of last Session's Parlia-
mentary Notices" in this journal having been raised to the peerage (by
the style and title of Baron Punsby the Dozen) for his consistent and
valuable support of the Government, right or wrong, through thick
and thin, it became necessary to find someone to fill his place, he
(having gained all he could reasonably expect by them) having
resolved, most judiciously, I think-I should do the same myself-to
cast politics and FuN behind him for ever.
In these circumstances, to whom could the Editor turn for one more
fitting, whether for literary capacity, honesty, or total want of bias (he
being a Conservative-Liberal with a strong infusion of the Radical-
Tory) than the Old Man? Why, nobody.t There was another reason;
the Prophet's long and honourable connection with Sport rendered
him peculiarly fit to chronicle occurrences which the experiences of
recent years lead one to expect in Parliament, particularly in the Lower
House. And the more he approaches the subject the more he is
struck with the singular appropriateness of his appointment. Apart
from the sporting character of the House-containing, as it does, an
Indian Secretary who is a breeder of horses, a Chaplin who is a ditto ;
resembling, as it does at times, a bear garden; and indulging, as it does
occasionally, in the fine Old English game of drawing Gladstone"
(like a badger)-it every now and then indulges in a tip not unlike
those of the Old Man, though seldom so successful. The Queen's Speech
is so much of that character that the Prophet feels compelled to put
it into the proper form as below.

A Speech from the Thrown !
The Editor does not hold himself responsible for opinions expressed by cor-
reepondents.-Ed. Fun.
i See previous note.-ED. Fun.

To work, MY LORDS AND GEinTu MN, I give my call imperious
(It's earlier than usual, but things are getting serious).
The terms I'm on with Foreign Powers are friendly and har-
monious ;*
We've got the Turk to yield some land-nor discontent made any
And hope to better Greece as we've already done Montenegro.
The famous Berlin Treaty-work, assiduously bending to,
Its unfulfilled provisions we are anxiously attending to.
The Boers in Southern Africa are kicking up a din again;
They've broken out-I much regret I'll have to break them in
Basutos still continue war with dangerous unbendliness;
I'll seize the foremost chance I see to intervene with friendliness.
The war in Afghan's ended, though, and, no mere there to roam
(Evacuating Candahar) my troops are coming home again.
And now, regarding Erin; caught again upon the hip it is,
You'll have to give them Justice, that's my sure and certain tip it -is.
Although, as I said before, I am perfectly unbiassed in politics, yet
as a writer on the subject I feel it my duty to appear as a partisan.
So that anything of an unreasonable party spirit to be observed in my
articles is due to my connection with this journal, while anything of
a high-souled and broadly tolerant nature is a simple emanation of my
lofty character.
And now to business.
The Lords have not been particularly busy. Lord Beaconsfield in-
dulged in his usual little arraignment of Government policy. This
time they have reversed his policy, he says; last time they'd copied
it-a touch of character reminding the Old Man very much of himself !
On Monday Lord Lytton disappointed everybody by not making a
racy, personal speech on Afghanistan as he was expected to do. He
was very hard on Governmental reversal of previous Governmental
policy-his Government of India wasn't a reversal of nearly all previous
ones! Oh no! not at all! I don't think! The speech was good
The Commons has been hitherto quite devoted to Ireland (in one
sense) ; what Ireland has been devoted to by exasperated members I
shouldn't like to say. Parnell has roared you like a sucking dove,"
Mr. Forster has been determined and earnest, Mr. Shaw forcible and
moderate, Messrs. O'Connor Power and Mr. Healy have shrieked for
someone to "thread on the t-hails of their coats," Lord R. Churchill and
Mr. Chaplin (full of useful suggestions as ever) have promised their
valuable support to Government, Mr. Gibson has condemned every-
thing, and most of the members are dissatisfied with the promised
Land Bill, of which nobody knows anything definite. Ministerial
speeches all good, but then they have the facts all their own way.
Take my tip, back Coercion Bill for first place.-Yourp, &c.,
P. S.-Keep your eye on the colt Land Bill for the Irish Settlement
Stakes, and Mr. Jardine's nomination for the Waterloo Cup.

A Willing "Colley-gue."
THERE were some who thought the distinguished defender of Kam-
bula Camp in Zululand and the hero of the Ziobane mountain would
not serve under his military junior, Sir George Colley. But we knew
Sir Evelyn Wood!
Rank (and File) Calumny.
THE determination of the Government not to call out the Irish
Militia this year is already causing a fresh outburst of blame from the
Land Leaguers. Any suggestion of the unreliability of the Militia
men they denounce as a purely Militia-ous fabrication!

Vain Hope I
As the Government have determined on abolishing the use of the
cat in the Navy, we sincerely trust that all the mice will betake them-
gelves to a seafaring life again.
LORD BEACONSFIELD once gave Sanitas Sanitatum as the motto of his
party. Surely, then, if a bath and wash-house kind of policy be the
Conservatives' idea, the sooner they call themselves Lava-Tories "the
better, and, by-the-bye, what a well-named leader for them Wash-
ington would have been I
ON the first night of the new Session all interest was naturally
centred on the Irish Question, and when, at a late hour, Alderman
Fowler and Mr. Labouchere attempted to discuss the affairs at the
Cape, honourable members regarded their remarks in the light of the
rising of the bores.
Well, that is satisfactory at any rate.-TaOPromus.


[JAN. 19, 1881.


Rough Justice a little too Rough."
MR. BIRCH ROD HARDMAN, of the Surrey Sessions, has sentenced
another beggar to be flogged. If men are to be flogged for street-
begging, what ought to be done to forgers, burglars, pickpockets, and
violent persons? Surely, judged by the same code, they ought to
have their hands cut off, their ears or noses sliced off, their bodies
seared with hot irons, and the tortures of the rack and the scavenger's
daughter revived for their edification. No doubt Mr. Hardman would
be delighted to see all these merrie Old English laws in force again;
but we doubt whether brutal legal violence ever repressed crime. The
sturdy, abusive beggar is a great nuisance, and we are afraid it is
nearly always a case of Mend-I-can't and Mend-I-won't; but twelve
months' hard labour and twenty strokes with the birch-rod for
asking alms is a sentence more Russian than English.

It is an Ill Wind-"
AT the Mansion House, a man, charged with stealing an overcoat
from a shop on Ludgate-hill, pleaded guilty, but stated, in defence,
that as he, was passing the shop the coat, which was hanging outside,
was blown into his arms, and he could not resist the temptation. We
fancy some people will say, "Oh, that be blowed for a tale," and
prefer that the individual be kept out of 'arm's way.

Now Ready, the Thirty-eighth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. Od. each.
Also Beading Cases, 1s. Od. each,
One Shilling; by post, s. 2d.,
ITniform with the above,
Bound Table Books-One Shilling each Post, Is. 2pd.
Their Cards, a4d How They Played Them.
The continued demand for this book has rendered it necessary to print
another large edition, which is now ready for delivery as a Standard
Shilling Book, and is the first of a series to be called Round Table

"g U CWh~lM KREEL BEARS THE Cocoa thickest in ii u
S EW IN TRIANGLE TICKET. the cup, it proves
S ASK T0oui the addition o|
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phmnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Oommons, and PnblIaied (for the Proprietors) at 168, Feet street, E.C.-London, Jan. 19, i181.

JAN. 26 18S1.] F UJN 31

I WOULD I were a boy again;
I wished that wish some time ago,
Because it seemed to be in vain
(Since William Harcourt willed it so)
Endeavouring the smallest bit
To bring to book a wicked boy;
And any crime could he commit
Without its punishment's alloy.
I wished to be a boy again,
Since I could steal, annoy, and fight,
Without the most minutest" grain
Of fear of LAW and all its might.
I wished to be the thing I ain't
Because the laws I could ignore,
But now they've lifted all restraint
I wish it very much the more.
I would I were a juvenile,
Because I never could be thrashed;
Before my thin sardonic smile
My maltre d'ecole would sink abashed.
Were I rebellious, impudent,
Assaultive, aye, and stupid too,
He could inflict no punishment
Save impositions-which are "pooh! "
I would I were a happy youth,
Since boxes on the ear I find
Are highly dangerous, forsooth,
And make one silly, deaf, ,and blind;
Since ruined for all subtle trades
Are hands that feel the rattan's weight;
Since birching other parts degrades,
In fact, is quite indelicate.
I would I were a little lad,
My master I could gaily cheek ";
Recourse to caning, if he had,
I'd get him hauled before the beak.
And though he'd prove in lads like me
That imposts were of no avail,
The magistrate would not agree,
And fine, or send him off to jail.
I would I were a juvenile
Within the meaning of the Act,"
My father I could safely rile
Without the fear of getting whackt.
For if he found he'd no control
Save that which tickle-toby makes,
Pd get my mother, gentle soul,
To sue him in a brace of shakes.

I would I were a boy again,
To do as I might reckon fit,
For boyhood's hour does now attain
The happiness ascribed to it.
Yet still there lurks within my mind,
I must confess, a vaguish doubt-
Solution I must wait to find-
However will the men turn out ?


OLYMPic.-This theatre opened on the 156h inst. with Lola, the Belle
of Baccarato. The treatment of the plot may be somewhat extravagant
in parts, but perhaps not too much so for opera bouffe. It begins in
a lively and sprightly fashion, but the brightness and sparkle are
scarcely sustained to the end. Most of the music is easy, flowing, and
melodious, though perhaps slightly lacking in spirit. The piece is
well put on the stage, and the acting throughout of even merit.
THE MOHAWK MINSTRELS, though 'calling'themselves after a tribe
of "Injins," are an ingin-ious tribe of entertainers, whose per-
formances, deserving as they are of the high public favour in
which they are evidently held, will repay anyone's calling to see
PaiNCEss's.-In Mr. Booth's Othello there is much that is fine, as
there necessarily must be in almost any character assumed by so ac-

complished an actor; but it fails to show us as perfect a performance
as either his Bertuccio, his Richelieu, or his Hamlet; it is not
deficient in vigour, but lacks the tenderness and pathos we associate
with the character. Mr. Forrester's rendering of lago is fully
deserving of the same high encomiums it elicited when he played the
character some years ago at the Lyceum. In alternating the charac-
ters it is not much to say that Mr. Booth's lago proved, as was
expected, much better in every respect than his Othello, but it is a
good deal to say in favour of Mr. Forrester that his Othello is better
than his Iago. It is unfortunate that the tempestuous weather of the
past week should have prevented large numbers of people from
attending to witness the alternate performance of two such important
Shakespearian characters by two such competent men. Mrs.
Hermann Vezin's Emilia is a splendid performance, and Miss Milton
has greatly improved upon her first night's rendering of Desde-
mona. ,



[JAN. 26, 1881.

I Il I I HP, ,,-. AN it really be.
"/- 1 that Mr. Bur-
1----r nand's post-
--- phoned comedy
Sat the Haymar-
ket is,:to be a
new- rendering
into the ver-
nacular of Le
flari d la Com-
pag nemerely, so
well known to
English play-
goers in the
dress of A Seri-
-U.s Family?
_jiMasks and Faces
is announcedfor
a run first, too..
Se Oh, these ret,.
rivals and rer
t. o revivals, these.
translations and
When will they end and allow that injured person the British
Dramatist to. take afront seat.

And when will. the J. B. D. prove himself worthy the implicit faith
of managers ?
Eh li?
It strikes me as stranger when I come to think of it en passant, that
no novelty whatever has beap produced during the first year of the
existence of the present Haymarket, a theatre the. claims of which to
loftiness of aim mark it as the very- place that might be expected to
encourage contemporary dramatic literature. The St. James's, which
raises similar expectations, is nearly as bad; as a vulgar person might
put it, At the But James's such aims is almost forgotten."

It is understood that Messrs. Bancroft and Cecil will alternate"
the part of Triplet in Messrs. Reade and Taylor's play. This is a
step in the right direction, and we may hopefully look forward to the
day when the part will be adequately represented, for though two are,
of course, better than one, it is obvious that three gentlemen are
absolutely necessary for the proper performance of a triplet. As Mr.
Bancroft j the manager, I suppose that it is Mr. Cecil that under-
studies thpart-though he has never done that with a part yet, his
performapnes being remarkable for completeness,-nor can Mr. Ban-
croft, against whom no charge of vulgar over-elaboration can be
brought at any rate, be said to overatudy either.

Another theatre Coventry-street, Leicester-square, is the. scene
of the latest project, or rather projects-for there are to be two, one of
smaller, dimensions than the other, to be adapted to the "entertain-
ment" cfau s of pieces. If theatres increase at the present rate the
sooner some of the ae sent to Coventry" the better, or managers
will find themselves as time goes on with less andless-ter-square their

In the English.version of Michael Strogof, now being adapted for
the Adelphi by Mr. Byron, that gentleman will represent the English
Speciall" That's all right, for he is an Englishman," but how
about Mr. Irish as the representative of the French "special"?
Things are not nice in Ireland just now-are the bad old days of
Franco-Irish intrigue coming back ? England would be sorry to see
a renewal of that Frenchip.

Mr. Alfred Nelson, released from the Princess's by Mr. Walter
Gooch, goes to the Strand as stage-manager. The good ship Opera
Bouffe" will scarce become a stranded wreck with a Nelson at the
helm. NESTOnR.

We observe that in giving evidence before the Bribery Commis-
sioners, at Chester, an alderman of the city spoke, in all seriousness,
of one of the electors who had been guilty of bribery, as being, in his
opinion, "as straight as the North Pole! It was thought he was
out of his latitude in thus introducing the Poll-er regions. It would
have been interesting to have asked the learned alderman to describe
the Arctic Circle!

You doubtless noticed, sir, how suddenly and utterly public interest
in the rising in the Transvaal, the debate on the Address, the anarchy
in Ireland, and all the rest of it, collapsed as soon as the frost really
set in. Some of us dissembled so far as to talk of other topics, and
there was, in fact, but one subject of public and private moment, but
that subject was wArAn-Ripss !
I can. truly say that life has become a burden to me since the.
dread moment when our domestic announced that "all the pipes
Former experience, of the dampest and most dismal character,
warned me, however, that passive resignation would not answer under
the circumstances; and my first step, therefore, was to visit the
kitchen,, and,th.re relate with dramatic earnestness to our jaunty
menial the ghastly fate of a maid-of-all-work who was blown to
piEces.by- a, sae-filling boiler during the frost of 1870. And I so
harrowed upour Matilda Jane's feelings by elaborating the fatal
details, dwelling especially on the fact that her ill-fated and widely-
scattered predecessor had to be sat upon by three coroners in the
counties of Middlesex, Hertfordshire, and Essex respectively, that I
am confident our boiler will never burst during her term of service.
I wish I could say as much for our water-pipes; but that, alas is
impossible. I have reason to know, indeed, that they are too often
laid on with that express purpose, for a retired plumber and glazier
named Pullinger, with whom I was once wrecked whilst crossing the
Atlantic on an Extra-special" voyage to the States, told me as much
as we were sinking, and before the ship which subsequently rescued
us hove in sight. He had been a mystery to me all through the
voyage, for though very lavish of his money he had always smelt of
putty, and was constantly pulling about the plumb-line. It so hap-
pened, however, that when the time came for us to sink he was on my
left hand, and we were sinking in company, hand in hand (for the
smell of putty was of but small consequence then !), when, observing
that he was much perturbed, I asked him if he had anything on hi
Anythink on my mind he wailed, in a voice that rose above the
howling tempest; "I should rather think so; it's lit'ially swamp'd
with bust water-pipes, that's what it is "
Well, sir, with this quaint introduction my puttiferous friend
proceeded to open his soul to me, and told me tales of plumbing and
glazing villains which even in our peculiar situation filled me, as a
householder who had suffered from burst pipes myself, with horror
and indignation. He admitted that pipes were constantly put and
joints made at the precise points where the frost could most easily
effect them, and confessed that his own fortune had been chiefly
accumulated by means of the harvest of burst pipes reaped by him
during the hard winter of 1859-60.
When we were rescued Mr. Joshua Pullinger weakly pretended he
had been delirious, and wanted to make out he had been a doormat
maker all his life. In that case, I should like to know how it was that
on returning to England I found in an old Kelly's Directory for 1860
the name of PULLINGER, Josh." amongst the Metropolitan Plumbers
and Glaziers, marked with a to signify further that he made the
laying on of domestic water-pipes a speciality of his business ?
Burst water-pipes on my ill-fated premises have on several occasions
since the above incident happened vividly recalled the nefarious
Pullinger's confession; but I was not prepared last week, when, in
my utter helplessness, I went to call in a plumber and glazier to my
assistance (!), to find over the shop front these ill-omened words:-
.For many years with Mr. JosHUA PULLINGER.
A kind of fascination drew me on into the shop, in which, how-
ever, there was no sign either of the paternal or filial Babbage. Nor
did either respond to my rat-a-tat upon the counter; and no wonder,
as I soon thought, when a loud shout of ill-timed bacchanalian re-
velry (it was but 11 o'clock a.m.) induced me to step 'up to the glass
door dividing the shop from the back parlour and peep over the
curtain. For what do Vou think I saw, sir ? Why, some ten or
twelve plumberyy" looking gentlemen sitting round the table, and
drinking champagne (Ioper Freres, too, for I could see the labels!)
out of tumblers. As I looked the party in the arm-chair at the head
of the table was proposing a toast, and I caught these suggestive
"Brother plumbers all, is your glasses charged ? Here's to the

'ard frost, then, and many on 'em; and may all the pipes we mend
bust agen afore the winter's over "
I just heard the answering shout of the company, "They shall!
they shall!" and then, turning on my heel, fled hastily from the
premises, vowing never to have dealings with plumbers again.
Bat what else can you do when all your pipes burst simultaneously
pite of my vow Messrs. Babbage and Son have well-nigh lived in my
house for a week.


to his liking." The gallery is well worth visiting.
THE SOCIETY or BRITISH ARTISTS.- This exhibition, by the gene- On the Cards!
rosity of the members, will be open on Sunday evening next, as it has POLITICS are often compared to a game of chess, but why not to a
been the past two Sundays, from five till half-past seven, free; admis- game of cards P The latter simile would be all the more appropriate
sion by ticket obtainable on applying by letter, enclosing a stamped because, as a matter of fact, it is well known that at the late election
and addressed envelope, to the Hon. Sec. of the Sunday Society, 8, Lord Beaconsfield's chief hope was in his strong suit of "clubs,"
Park-place Villas West. whilst his opponent, Mr. Gladstone, trusted rather to the fact that he
THE HANOVER GALLERY has been doing likewise. was unusually strong in all kinds of Hearts."
This is a worthy endeavour to provide the public with other and Sneaking Seoundrelism.
healthier entertainment for Sunday evenings than the pot-house, and there be one o c re .
the opening of picture galleries is a most palette-able way of having a re class of crime more strikingly contemptible than
brusthe opening s.hug another it is that of which Thomas Richard Whiles was the other day
accused-the kinchin lay-intercepting young children sent on
errands and robbing them of their parcels or clothes. In the
WHY is the fall of last week unlike Yes ? Because it's police report of the case it was stated that the prisoner was remanded
S(No)w. meanwhile for inquiries; it surely should have been "mean Whiles."

SIR HENRY JAMES, Sir Henry James,
I do not love your little games ;
This Bill anent Corruption aims
(I'm subject to correction)
At making it completely free
For anyone to be M.P.;
Then what will come of meni like me
Is not a sweet reflection.
I don't, indeed, presume to jibe
At plans for checking those who bribe-
Of course, against that doubtful tribe
I have a great objection;
But surely it is only fair
That candidates who've cash to spare
Should be allowed to spend it where
Their cause requires protection.
What! one committee-room enough,
One agent (who may prove a muff),
One clerk, one messenger ? Oh, stuff !
Sheer nonsense, on inspection!
For otherwise, your man of straw,
Whose sole credential is his jaw,
For twenty pounds a place might "draw"
With which he's no connection.
Who'd say the House of Commons gains,
Should men of substance (if small brains)
Be thus excluded for their pains
And brought into subjection ?
Nay verily it is a sin
This way to Boycott Land and Tin" :-
Alas! the longest purse can't win
Again at an Election !

This Comes Hopping.
A BANKRUPT hop merchant, named A. Legge, whose
statement of affairs showed liabilities 11,796 and
assets nil, has been allowed by the Registrar to pass. If
all applicants in the Bankruptcy Court get off as easily
as this, it certainly would seem that the authorities do
not wish to be hard on a man when he is down, but, on
the contrary, are disposed to give an insolvent A. Legge

Elderly -Party :-" HAVE THESE HERRINGS ROES ?"

JAN. 26, 1881.]

THE ex-Lord Mayor of Dublin has thrown quite a fresh light on
the Land League outrages. Three-quarters of them, he declared in
addressing the House of Commons, were exaggerated in detail; and
a half, he addbd, 'had never taken place at all. This peculiarly Irish
mode of fteckoning will, if generally adopted by the Home Rule mem-
bers, greatly increase Mr. Forster's difficulty in dealing with their
We may expect Mr. Dillon, for instance, rising to state that of the
forty-five horses reported as houghed, two-thirds were not houghed at
all; and-the'other three-quarters were cows.
Mr. Biggar, again, may protest that out of every twenty shillings
lent by the Government to the Irish landlords, ten shillings has been
wasted, and twelve shillings and sixpence devoted very grudgingly to
the tenants' use.
Whilst Mr. Finigan, by way of a climax, may assure the House
'that out of every 1,000 Irishmen who emigrated last year, 150
died before leaving their country, and 999 landed with less than 5 in
their pockets!

ROYAL ACADEMY.-The collection of pictures by old masters and
deceased British artists this year places before the public a rich assem-
blage of masterpieces in both divisions. The committee seem to have
been unusually fortunate, and to have done their duty in a praise-
worthy and successfulmanner. Students should take ample advantage
of the opportunity afforded them of closely scrutinising these works
of 'the past-masters of their art, and the general public should lose no
opportunity of examining a collection whose influence must operate to
their advantage.
GROSVENOR GALLERY.-The Winter Exhibition is a collection of
water-colour pictures in two parts," as separate and distinct as
possible, both being highly interesting and instructive when viewed
from their different stand-points. The department of decorative
art," of which E. Burne-Jones (the ablest), H. Holiday, and Walter
Crane are the chief exponents, forms a striking contrast with the
" other department," where may be found many examples by promi-
nent water-colour painters. We won't draw comparisons. "Everyone


34 FUN. [J1. 26. 1881.


.. ... .--

There were two friendly locomotives digging one another in the ribs as the City authorities were engaged in reclaiming the common
lands. He! he !" said one; they're preserving the commons for us!' Aren't the public just sold! The G. E. R. is
going through Epping Forest; and the L. & S. W. R. and the M. D. R. are going across Wimbledon Common."
4 -A 4
: % ,-' '" "-- -," \ ",k ., ;. ../ .j ._..,.,, ,
____. __. ...__.__ /., ._ t \, =. :-,; .":'

The King of the Common taking his morning stroll.

IHull0, issues I do believe this lane leads to a c(nmon, judgin' by the colour o' the atmosphere. It won't do to take our walk
I thatt way. Two ooir fellEis Fiffccated again cn'y yebteiday on cne o' the commons."


F.UJN.-JAN. 26, 1881.


'Arry :-" Been on the ice, Bill, and gone through ?"
Bill:-" Ah bin on the ice, an' through the ice, an' now the ice is
through me."

I the face of the great dearth of "novelties" this season, it is
pleasant to be able to acknowledge the receipt of an article which is
certain to recommend itself at once to, and to secure general adoption
by, the class for which it has been designed.
It is an ingenious little piece of mechanism in the form of a music-
roll; and has been contrived especially to meet the necessities of a
large and deserving community-the unaccepted dramatic authors.
At one end of this roll is placed a powerful electric battery, for the
purpose of administering a shock to the man at the stage-door, thus
rendering him momentarily powerless, and giving an opportunity to
the possessor of the roll to slip by him ; while, should the man succeed
in shutting the door, the battery can be made to communicate a spark
to a charge of dynamite contained in the same end of the roll, by
which means the stage-door may be expeditiously removed.
The way to the manager having thus been-so to speak-paved, the
owner of the roll touches a spring, when there instantly unwinds
itself a broad strip of paper several miles in length, upon which the
author's play may be written.
Should the manager accept the production without question or
reservation, the strip is detached from the roll and the owner quietly
departs; but in the case of the manager's showing any resistance, the
second end of the roll may be instantly presented at his head, a very
effective little revolver being ingeniously introduced into the
It is almost impossible to overrate the excellence and utility of this
invention ; and there is little question that it will prove the means of
entirely removing the admitted difficulties which now stand in the
way of unrecognised dramatic authors. We understand that the
inventor is now engaged upon the maturing of a larger roll, containing
a rack, a thumbscrew, and other implements of torture to assist in
overcoming the manager's resistance, and to be employed in case of
the failure of the smaller roll ; and it is also whispered that the
inventor is not without hopes of adding to the rolls a sort of For-
tunatus" purse, which will, in case of necessity, and by merely touch-
ing a spring, produce two sureties in any sum required for the keeping
of the peace for any period not exceeding twenty years.

Court on the Hip.
THE poor Irish peasant may surely be pardoned for thinking the so-
called Land League Courts perfectly lawful tribunals, for even the
" sanguinary Saxon will confess that they had every appearance
of being League-al.

MATILDA For the nonce forsake
Your scrubbings, baking, brooings :
I have some few remarkasto make
About your recent doings;
Approving many of1the same,
I still regard a fewwith blame.
Your Lola I'm inclined to greet
With much of commendation:
The story is a quaint conceit;
I like the orchestration.
But still, Matilda, I confess
Your Lola may be no success.
And you, it cannot be denied,
Deserve some recognition
For giving people, far and wide,
A Sunday exhibition;
I'm sure a marked success will meet
Your kindly act in Suffolk Street.
But, hang it! Jane, when, will you know-
(Awaking out of error).+-
The proper way to treattthe snow
Which makes our streets a terror P
You're most outrageously at'fault
To muddle on witflspades and salt .
Your new Electric Railwavy seems
To occupy attention;
It really caps the wildest dreams
Of optimist invention;
Upon my word, you have, it's plain,
A mighty mind, Matilda Jane.
Now, Jane, you will-you will, I know-
Abstain from fresh exertion
To let, obstruct, and overthrow
That Measure of Coercion ?
This low obstruction is a crime;
I'm sure you'll be advised in time ?
Although an error in the writ
Averts incarceration,
The judges view your acts with fit
And proper reprobation ;
I hope we may not see again
Your ritualistic doings, Jane!
I'm glad that on the course at Nice
You had no need of mufflers;
I see your luck does not decrease-
You won the race with Bufflers ;
I give you joy upon the same-
But still, it is a funny name. -
I think you're doing all you can
To earn my indignation
By persevering in this an-
Ti-Jewish agitation!
Whate'er your economic views
You need not persecute the Jews.
A point on which I wish to speak
Is this-the case is pressing !-
Your Irish policy is weak,
Wrong-headed, and distressing;
And such a course of action tends
To drive away your staunchest friends.
I must confess that, in the face
Of this inclement season,
You have postponed your sculling-race
With all-sufficient reason;
But wasn't it a rash design
To train yourself so very fine ?
One little word, Matilda, more :-
Your want of information
About affairs at Kolapore
Shows lax administration;
But even this is not the worst-
Matilda Jane! The pipes have burst!

lie of Booty" Fare thee Well.
AMONGST the celebrated oil wells in the States is one that was
accidentally struck" during the war by a Federal officer, who was
on patrol duty. The ile he struck was, of course, "patrol "-eum!


JAN. 26, 1881.]

38 F N. JA. 26, 1881.

Mr. Wagqgles (a reprobate):-" "High WORDS, WOS IT ?-MORE LIKE low


1. IF any member do take a sight at another member-save in the
way of ordinary vision-shall eat his own words without salt.
2. If any member making a motion with his fist do catch the
Speaker's eye and black the same, the House shall at its option adjourn
to see the finish of the fight. All bets made during the progress of the
combat shall be entered upon the minutes of the House.
3. If any member do sing comic songs and do call upon other
members to join him in the choruses, it stands with Mr. Speaker to
ascertain the will of the House whether he be heard.
4. If any member do give unto another member impudence, the
member cheeked may-and Mr. Speaker ought to-punch the head of
the cheeking member.
5. If any member do attempt the pea and thimble or the three-
card trick on the table of the House, and do thus illegally win the
money of the other members, he shall be directed and ordered by Mr.
Speaker to give the same up to him, and such sum or sums shall be
disbursed for potations of the Honourable House, which the Usher of
the Black Rod shall fetch in.
6. If any member irrelevantly and foolishly do ask questions of
Mr. Speaker, such as an inquiry whether his mother do know him to
be absent from home, or what he, Mr. Speaker, will take for his wig
without the hair, or what number of beans are required to make five,
or similar frivolities, it stands with the orders of the House for the
Speaker to interrupt him and to know the pleasure of the House,
whether they will further hear him, or whether Mr. Speaker shall fine
him glasses round for the .offence.

THE anger swelling in my breast
Rebels at lying longer latent;
0 Angelina, I protest
Against infringement of a patent.
I state-and state it with a keen,
Resentful, bitter reprehension-
That wicked, wicked men have been
Appropriating your invention!
The thing that gives this injured tone
To my remarks is that construction
That people name the photophone-
A so-called recent introduction;
I speak as one who here invites
Disproof of aught that he has stated,
And I distinctly say your rights
Have been infringed and violated.
Why, summers since-(a custom, dear,
You have not even yet forsaken)-
You threw a message, strangely clear
And not at all to be mistaken-
A message which defeated sense
And wholly routed resolution-
Along the rays your eyes dispense
With such unerring execution.
You did not give the thing a name-
I mean this sweetest of inventions-
To your conception never came
The pushing patentee's pretentions;
You surely must, it seems to me,
Have thrown your photophonic glances
Upon the pushing patentee
At one of those "at homes or dances.
The patentee was not a dunce,
And could not well abstain from seeing,
And also seizing on, at once
A splendid chance for patenteeing :
He set to work upon the spot,
And basely gave his whole attention
To bis unfeeling, shameless plot
Of vulgarizing your invention.


"Smashed Lanterns." By the Author of Broken Lights."
"The Professor's Dora." By the Author of the "Student's
"The Wooden Leg." By the Author of the" Stone Heart."
"See Saw." By the Author of Utps and Downs."
Her First Chop." By the Author of "His Last Stake."
"The Poacher in the Preserves." Sequel to The Gamekeeper at
Box Seats." By the Author of Chest Forms."
"Words Without Music." Bythe Author of" SongsWithout Words."
"Cook's Tourists." By the Author of The House Sparrow at
Home and Abroad."
Steward !" By the Author of "Sea Songs."
"Hit Hard!" By Patmore."
"Guide to Dartmoor." By One of Her Majesty's Judges.
Street Lyrics." By the Author of Annals of a Quiet Neighbour-
Rights and Lefts By the Author of Wrongs and Rights."
Pushings by the Young Apprentices." By the Author of "Draw-
ings by the Old Masters."
Here and Stop." By the Author of "There and Back."
Small Boys." By the Author of The Recent Origin of Man."
"Does Your Mother Know You're Out?'' By the Author of
"Hints to Travellers."

An Arboreal Cinderella.
IT has been said that nothing will grow in the -molten lava which
flows down the slopes of volcanoes. Well, we happen to know that on
Vesuvius, at any rate, this is not the fact, the whole track of the
lava being literally crowded with Mountain Ashes !"


TO THE EDIm o or FUN."

SA ooreiwa Measure.
Sm,-The St. Stephens Meeting, which-promises to beA protracted
one this year, and productive of good sport, was continued on
Wednesday. There wassome delay at firstiain getting the field off
for the- Address Handicap, (Parnell heat), Mr. Forsterohaving'some
diffici-lyin clearing theaeourse of some, Derby-doglike.Home Rulers
who persisted in gambolling right inthe,way.-They weremunexpectedly
joined bythat fiunwellbred oldBritish bull-dog, J. Cowen, but, the
ground. was. eventualycleared, and, those: engaged soon settled
downto'their work- Thdcandidates engaged -proved themselves capital
stayers, being very long-winded, as was proved bythe.little distress
they exhibited in negotiating this rather, trying course. (the same
ground being gone over again and again). The heat was continued on
Thursday, when some of the Irish animals showed a deal of skittish-
ness-and indeed the Erin representatives never had a chance of
winning from the first-and brought to an end on Friday-Govern-
ment Majority winning in an easy canter, anyhow.
The winner is a capital horse, with a good deal of stamina,
backbone, and sinew, and seems to have lots of work in him. His
muscle seems mostly in the right place, though he is a trifle "straggly "
'in his paces, some of his limbs being apparently not under full
control. He should pull off some big things before the season
is over, but he is pretty sure to be put to some stiff work, and will,
likely enough, be a good deal pulled down by next August.
The second heat of the Address was run on Monday and Tuesday in
better time than generally expected; Mr. McCarthy's Amendment II.
was a very sickly animal, however, and never had a chance, being
probably only entered to give the Irish contingent a run for their money.
The Parnell animal displayed some temper, and the antics of Dillon
would be rather amusing if they weren't something very like a breach
of the conditions of entry-better known as the oath of allegiance.
But the Old Man can sympathise with the Irish members; the days of
their public importance and obstructive tactics are numbered, and they
naturally give vent to the angry shrieks of the baffled-not that
'they're quite baffled yet, but the work is begun, so let me give the
The House and the Press and the Public together
(Who see your, real project contemptibly plain)
Consider you've come to the end of your tether,
So now you will have to be drawn in again.
Buoyed up with a sort of impossible hope, sirs,
You'd act with some sense-which you might have contrived-
They've given your tactics sufficient of rope, sirs,-
The time for the hanging has clearly arrived.
So make up your. minds-for unlimited losses,
If-'gainst a superioranimal matched-
You try to retard an event" by your crosses,"
You're more or less certain to find yourself scratched.
The.Hbuse of Lords.meetings have been very tame, in consequence
of vents of thetGovernment. Correct, Card not coming off with any
puptuality. The executive ,is not much to blame, however, for the
difficulties in getting the.animals to the post are immense and obvious;
tht-;ntries for the,Address,,:too, were much too numerous, and public
interest, became. languid,in consequence. Many a name should have
hadathe.pen rn thbrQgh,,i.in. theo,,true interests both.of sport and

owners. Nor did all the redundant ones emanate from the Irish.
When the Address has been got Uthrough the course will be clear i
for more stirring contests. There -will be a hard tussle over the
Coercion. Look out for Mr. HinkaU-nomination for Waterloo Cup.--
I am, yours, etc. TROPHONIUS.

AT Glasgow a cripple named Wdli4iaiBdolen, was charged with
assaulting a woman with his .eruteh~,bubas ,she has sincedied he was
remanded, and will now in alLpr.obability be tried on a graver charge.
Any excuse he may try and makeanust necessarily be a la mweone.
It is stated that at a weddinsgat Brighton the brid eand'bridesmaids
wore crimson- silk. We suppose theaweather wasiso.cold that they
were glad even of a warm tint We dar~say they. looked very nice,
though it tint usual, we admit to bamaraied in reddyrmade clothes.
Tuesday, the 18th inst., was a -regulatgaZe-a day'in London, the
severity of the storm being ,unequalled.in.the memory of the oldest
inhabitant. The wind was.b-eastqyandithsasnow waswno joke, for you
could see the drift of it.- Thereawas.really nogetting,about. Those
who went out of dooresonly succeeded in getting about two feet of snow
about their -two feet..

THEi lilies grew beneath her'hand
On slippers that areseen no more !
Their race of usefulness is o'er !
They're buried under-Time's dark sand,
And nothingcan.their life restore,
As \when, in young',,Love's flowery land,
The lilies grew beneath her hand
On slippers that are seen no more.!
They would-if -finished-have been grand I
But she became my wife before
They were half done !-you understand.
How then-though now the work's a bore I-
The lilies grew beneath her hand,
On slippers that are seen no more !

Good Samaritans.
A COMELY matron went into an office the other day to register the
birth of her last infant. Let me see," said the Registrar (thinking
of the date), "this is the 30th." Notat all," replied the angrymatron
(thinking of the baby), it is the eleventh ; and for abut five minutes
it was a warm time for the Registrar, whose explanations were useless.
Having hurriedly rushed from the office, she arrived home in tears,
exclaiming at intervals, "Alas! alas! to think that I look as old as
that." Her husband, sensible man, took her to Brown, Barnes, and
Bell, the celebrated photographers, of Regent-street, Liverpool, and
Manchester, who rapidly restored the lady's spirits and good temper
by showing her how remarkably young she looked in one of their
masterpieces of photography. This is a fact.

F. P. and M. P.
THE question of military officers on full pay sitting in the House of
Commons is one that may well be raised. Any such officer above the
rank of captain, even as a candidate, possesses an unfair advantage, we
maintain, over his opponent. He is sure of his majority," that is to
say, before the polling takes his place. There are, in addition to this,
very often hundreds of "private" reasons why officers on full pay
should stick to their regiments.

Man's Inhumanity to Man.
NOTWITHSTANDING the severe strictures that were passed on the
practice of keeping the "black hole" at Leicester as a place of
punishment for refractory paupers, the Board of Guardians have
decided by a majority of 17 not to abolish it. We can only hope that
the present Home Secretary (who acts "on the square," and not on
the Cross system) will on this subject be not like the paupers-kept
in the dark.

In France, jus is gravy. In Latin we find
The subject's perceptibly dryer;
But, as law is with gravity closely combined,
The parallel strikes the least sensitive mind;
What -more could a jester desire P

JAN 26, 1881.]

[JAN. 26, 1881.

40 F] JiN.



THERE come two sayings from afar
To most of us familiar,
The one : All's fair in love and war";
The other doubtless you will
Remember hearing scholars speak
Of as adapted from the Greek,
Some say 'tis even more antique :
Viz., Fair play is a jewel."
How oft we couple both of them
When we extol a strata-gem !
A Plea for Lodging-house Keepers.
THE other evening a conversation occurred in a tram-car between
a would-be agreeable old gentleman and a man evidently belonging
to the building trade, when the latter, among other astonishing
things, said: You will scarcely believe it, but I say glass is porous
-so is lead! This may be new to many of our readers; but,
taking the man's assertion to be true, does it not solve a great
problem, accounting for the wines and spirits evaporating from
bottles at our lodgings? and, after all, may not lodging-house keepers
be a set of much-maligned individuals ? Surely, in their interest,
a scientific investigation is necessary to deal with this new idea.

Rowt Beady, the Thirty-eighth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. Od. each.
Also Reading Cases, Is. Od. each.

One Shilling; by post, 1s. 2d.,
Uniform with the above,
Round Table Books-One Shilling eaoh. Post, is. 21d.
Their Cards, and How They Played Them.
The demand for this book has rendered it necessary to print another
edition, which is now ready for delivery as a Standard Shilling Book,
and is the first of a series to be called Round Table Books.

DOMEu Cadbury ,
r Excellence of COLD MEDAL For Io ns s, oa, .thicen i
Sold by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere. nor urt, the oints beiag rounded by a il
E. JAMES& SONS, 80LE MAKER, PLYMOUTH. PURE! II SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING I= 'a.de... sl ;1eo,,s K., a Wo,.,

Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoanix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Propzietors) at 156, Fleet Street, ]B..-London, Jan. 26, 1881.




General view of the streets. I

irown thinks hl'll take a cab home. Brown taking a cab.

Sweeps. An arrangement in black and white. Short-sighted Colonel to post, "'Ere, boy, papar I"

Jones thinks ic very slippery.

FioSTS of unusual severity have lately set in in various parts.
In the neighbourhood of No. 1 round the corner a frost of surprising
determination was observed in the pockets of our Special Insolvent.
He at once set to work in an attempt to raise the wind sufficiently
to blow away the frost, but on his appealing to his acquaintances
a general iciness was found to prevail, while his reception at our
office was marked by a pronounced chill. Thereupon his spirits, always
remarkably mercurial, went down far below zero, this being partially
accounted for by some amount of evaporation ir them. However ,
on his proceeding to visit his uncle, he succeeded in raising the quick
-though on this occasion somewhat tardy-silver, and the glass
rapidly rose, several times in succession; a high temperature (with a
dash of lemon and two lumps) being at length attained.
In consequence of the raising of the wind, and repeated rise of the
glass, our S. I. found himself rapidly revolving on a storm-centre,
his legs travelling at the rate of many knots-some of them specially
intricate-an hour. Considerable confusion prevailed, some damage
being done.
Papa has been extensively inundated with Christmas bills, these
extending in immense sheets over the study table.
There's little hope of his being rescued until his ship comes home ;
but he is resolutely endeavouring to keep his head above water. He
is collecting such of his capital as is still floating, the greater part of
it, however, being sunk. Although everything is one vast pool, papa
remarks that there is very little in the pool. It is curious that in spite
of these floods of bills none of the sellers have been inundated-it is
only the buyers.
Our Special Insolvent aforementioned writes to say that, although
affairs are now at a low ebb, he has experienced considerable difficulty
in getting his furniture out."
There is a serious block at our hairdresser's; it has never been
known to smile.
Our huntsman is actually regretting that he has not had a burst !
Snow is still falling, and is now a positive drug in the market; the
wind, on the contrary, is rising; but should it succeed in reaching a
high figure, the latter may be expected to come down with a crash.

Among our polite acquaintances many tiles have been taken off.
A criminal we know states that he has been blown upon.
Our Special Insolvent had succeeded in hoarding up a little store,
but his hoarding has now been swept away.

The Daisy.-The last six months' numbers of this excellent
periodical-"a journal of pure literature"-in a tastefully-bound
volume, forms a handsome present to place in the hands of our sweet
little Buttercups "-aye, and Daisys."
Water: its Collection and Distribution.-Under this title Messrs.
Warne and Co. have issued a book full of information on the subject
of water, its use and abuse. The section treating of its use for
domestic and dietetic purposes should be studied by consumers and
water-drinkers, who can learn from it how to keep their pipes and
drains sweet, which is the best tap, and how to get the best drain of
sweet water to their pipes.
Notable Novels (same publishers).-The two last issues of this
excellent series are Cyril Thornton and Reginald Dalton." No
one can say they are not able novels, or that they are not able to get
these good novels cheap.

The San Francisco News Letter is perhaps the best Californian paper
that comes to our hands. Its Christmas number is filled with most
entertaining news and narratives, and with characteristic and clever
illustrations. We must admit the claim to praise of its illustrated
contemporary, The Wasp. That paper and the New York Chic are
showing how coloured illustrations may be freely introduced into
weekly papers.-The Melbourne Punch, by far the best comic paper in
the colony, has also in a recent number indulged in a well-executed
coloured cartoon.-The Detroit Free Press and its supplement, The
Household, are always full of admirable reading. The same may be
said of The Buffalo Sunday Morning News.

An Ice Sort of Riddle.
WHAT English river is most like the Thames when it is in an
entirely frozen condition ?-Why, the "Ice-is," of course! (The
" Isis," don't you see F)


TEE, 2, 188l.]


42 FU N [FEB. 2, 1881.

S -- I D anyone think,
-- I wonder, from
my remakSailast
week, thatIaas
.:* ? '^ -, ". : .astingthestone
I-of blame at
Messrs. Ban
croft, Hare, and
Kendal for the
1o') non-production
S i 'of aJbsolutely
English novel-
Sties iat their
theatres ? Such
was not, my in
n i IrI Iu a tention at any
SI I rate. JImerely
wished to note
as a fact, curi-
ous in stage his-
St tory, that at
s e atwo theatres
where all %the
conditions of
high intelligence. and appreciative taste are fulfilled, the managers do
not seem encouraged to rely on articles of purely home manufacture ;
and I fancy't father meant to hint that the fault lay with the home

And it is rather curious and a matter for speculation and thought-
though I have no space to speculate or think about it here-lhow
seldom the real English article succeeds, and, though adapted by the
same hands-the dialogue and (in some cases) the treatment of' the
story being quite original-how seldom the foreign article ever does
anything else. Does this point to bad construction on-the British
dramatist's part, or inability to invent an interesting story, or what ?

M1r. "Smedley," whose name is included in the cast of Mlasks and
to aces at the Haymarket, is the son of Mr. Edmund Yates, the Editor
of Time, and is making his first appearances in London. A brilliant
career is possibly before him-uat any rate he has Time on his side, and
if, in his costume, he is not absolutely" up to the nines," at leasthe may
be expected to be up to the Yates.

Mr. Burnand's adaptation of Le Mari z la aCsmpaqxe, however, is
to be produced at the Prince of Wales's, and not at the Haymarket.
It is a satire upon those cheerful beings known as aesthetics." Mr.
Coghlan is to play the principal part, The Colonel," who gives the
title to the piece (is this Mr. Du Maurier's Colonel, I wonder ?,, which
is of course the Colonel of the whole affair.

The following touching incident was one of the many which occurred
on that dreadful Tuesday last month :-
Oh, the snow it snew and the wind it blew-
It blew very hard indeed-
And an actress she, having had her f ea,
To bus-i-ness would proceed.
The snow without as it whirled about
Did drift and wriggle and dab,
She cried Oh lawk I never can walk;
I'll have to procure a cab."
She sent around, but herself she found
On her own resources cast,
(Her fate deplore !) for the cabmen swe e"
They'd none of them face the blast !"
And naryy brou'm," said every groom,
Could sweep such streets as those ;"
While more and more, as she stood at her door,
It snew and blew and froze.
But soon there loom through the fleecy gloom
And silently seem to glide
A van, two horse,.and a man (of course)-
A Pickford in all its pride.
Her artful smile and cash beguile
That innocent driver man,
And, highly elate, she arrives in. state
On top of that Pickford van.
Then sing, Hurray! for a frosty day
When it vi'lently snows and blows,
When cabmen elves must coddle themselves
(Yes, sing Hurray! for those),

And sing Hurrah !" with a Fal-lal-la,
For that genial driver man,
And sing Hurray !" for that damsel gay
Who rode on a Pickford's van.

The Northumberland Avenue Theatre is not to be. Mr. Sefton
Parry has yielded the site in favour of that S. E. R., which played
such havoc-withpDickens's "boyhood's home," Dulborough. Mr.
Parry had his -theatre plans somewhat advanced, I believe, but on
,calmly Sefton- the matter to the bottom 'he .was fain to acknowledge
tthe railway company claims as Parrymount, and allow himself to be
'" bought "-a very different matter indeed from being sold !

Mr. F. H. Macklin is engaged to play in the revival of The World
after the run of the pantomime at Drury Lane. He will play the part
of Martin Bashford. Mr. Macklin is a painstaking and rising per-
former, and is likely to earn more fame and Mar-tin long before we've
done with him.

On dit that Mr. Frederic Clay and Mr. Burnand are engaged upon
a comic opera for Mr. Henderson. To this on dit I need merely say on
dit-d I

Mr. Henry Neville will joisthe Princess's company at the termina-
tion of Mr. Booth's engagement. The best of all good luck to Booth
-of-them! NESTOn.

.A .Public Place. 2 a.m. Mi. ITHINSOLEs and Ma. SLIPPER discovered
in perplexity.
MB. THiNSOLES. Ah, cruel fate! The snow is far, far too deep for
me to wade through to my home.
MR. SLIPPER. And I-say, can I dare the glacial journey ? Ah,
no! It were madness! Yet hope at length dawns; a cab ap-
MR. TmHNSOeES. What ? Two golden pounds to bear us but two
miles ? Alas I cannot disburse this amount.
MR. SLIPPER. Nor I, indeed
BOTH. Then must we fain lie down here and expire! Hard fate!
But see-who and what is this fair being that comes arrayed in hope
and light? P
THE HERALD OF MERCY. I am stationed hereabouts by the Metro-
politan Board of Works,which, admitting its incapacity to deal with the
snow, takes such opportunities as this to make some little amends. See
this vast and bulging purse. Its moneys are for the defrayment of the
increased cab fares demanded of those victims of the Board who would
wend homeward. Ho, cabby, here are the two golden pounds !
[This is an excellent notion of the Board's, and praiseworthy.
A Domestic Fireside. MB. and Mas. Mor Y discovered.
Mas. MorEY. Say, dear, shall we not hie us to the theatre, and
thus dispel the pervading gloom of our home ?
Mn. MOPEY. Nay, wife, but it cannot be See ye not how the
streets between this and the places of revelry are impassable for
Mas M. It is indeed as ye declare it. Then must we even stay
here and nurse our inward gloom.
(A merry knock at the front door is heard; then there enter a party of
cheerful mummers, who straightway while an hour with a goodly enter-
MB. MoPEY. Nay now, but 'tis well done Say, mummers, what
shall be your guerdon ?
THE MUMMERS. No guerdon will we take. Hither have we come,
sent by the Metropolitan Board, which, confessing its incapacity to
deal with the snow, would yet make such amends as, &c.
[The Board really deserve great commendation for this idea.
Another Apartment. An Invalid Discovered.
THE INVALID. Again the snow-bound thoroughfares! Another
day without my wonted constitutional! Alas! this weary liver can
bear it but brief time more; for already it troubleth me. Ah, for this
bilious headache-this indigestion-this loss of appetite. Would that
some leach would come-and yet the outlay !
Enter a DOCTOR.
THE DocTon. I prithee show thy tongue and tell thy symptoms.
'Tis as I had augured. Here are medicaments. Here also is an
automatic chair to shake thee up and down for thy liver's sake.
THE INvALID. Ah, I am better-but, alas! thy fee.
THE DoTOr. There is no fee required. Hither am Idespatched
by the Metropolitan Board, which, confessing, &c.
[The Board have really acted most laudably in this matter.

FEB. 2, 1881.]



UPON the bridge, like Alfred T.,
I hang, though: not with grooms and porters ";
Nor gaze I on old Coventry,,
But into Cam's. wood-shaded waters.
And each trim sward, each grand old pile,
With magic truth to mem'ry brings
Its own association, while
I loiter on the bridge at King's.
Come let me dream they were a dream,
The last score years, and that I'm waking
To find that Time has stored his steam,
Instead of such hard running making.
Or else his hourglass upside down
He's turned, or backward bent his wings;
And that in freshman's cap and gown
I lounge upon the bridge at King's.
Yes, once again beneath my feet
The dear swan-studded river's flowing;
I hear the bells in cadence sweet
Ring chapel," and I must be going !
The tramp of many feet-and then
A boyish laughing chorus rings-
Perchance I've chums among these men
Who pass me on the bridge at King's!
Sure yonder youth with fluffy chin
Is dear old Smith of little Downing !
Yetno for Smith's at Lincoln's Inn,
A Q.C.'s silk his labours crowning.
Nor is the big one Brown, because
A bishop's lawnsleeved robe now clings
About the form of himnwho was
The bruiser of his time at King's.
They've gone Across the quad again
Their laughter sounds and sets me sighing.
I'll look up Jones-Ah me! 'twere vain !
'Neath Isandlwana's soil he's lying.
And Men may come and men may go,"
Like Tennysonian brooklet, sings
The Cam, while here I watch it flow.
Beneath me and the bridge at Kingd'4I
I'll bolt to Robinson, of Caius,
The game prize-getting little sizar !
He'd cut me were he here, for he's
Now M.P., millionaire, and miser.
Ah me! in vain I strive to dream !
Alone, despite my maunderings,
I stand upon you, and you seem
Abridge of sighs, oh, bridge of King's !

WORDS of regret for the death of Mr. E. A. Southern from us may
come late, bat the passing away of so distinguished an actor and so
generous and estimable a man we cannot leave unnoticed. Other
recentiand more sudden deaths have occurred among actors, who, as it
were, delight us to-night and are dead to-morrow.-The death of
Mrs. Bateman, and re-opening of Sadler's Wells under the management
of her: daughter, has given Mr. J. L Toole another opportunity of
affording -his ever-ready sympathy and support, by appearing at "The
Wells for six nights only as Simmons in The Spita fields Weaver, assis-
ted by Mr. Billington and Miss Ellen Meyrick.-The School for Scandal
has also been reproduced, with the same excellent cast as before,
followed on Saturday last by Othello, with Mr. Charles Warner as the
Moor, Mr. Hermann Vezin as lago. and Miss Batsman (Mrs. Crowe) as
Emilia. This ought t'o-tell-o. We wish Miss Bateman may have a
full measure of success, and no a-Bateman-t.
At the Opera Comique Miss Petrelli has assumed the character of
Mabel in the Pirates of Penzance. She plays and sings with such
ability as to elicit the frequent and cordial plaudits of the audience.
THE CANTERBURY.-In The Snowflake Ballet" may be seen some
very pretty dancing. Snowilakes" have led us all a very pretty
dance lately, and the piece is running well. Saturnalia also is running
so successfully that with two such good runners and other varieties"
the "new management" ought to be winning in a Canter-bury."
THE SURREY has a splendid ballet, the magnificent dresses for which
were designed by Mr. A. Chasemore. They could not be more chas(t)e,
and Hop-o'-my- Thumb is still most handsomely handled.

-- -

Tom:-" Wo FUR ? "


IMPERIAL.-Billee Taylor has been measured off, and his "goose"
is cooked.
VAUDEVILLE.- The Gav'nor is played out, and has been Divorced.
HER MAzESrY'S- "The Mastodon Minstrels" have "sung out,"
and gone elsewhere.
OPERA, CoMoUE.-The /Children's Pinafore has been taken off-to
be put on ag iin in the provinces.
PRINCE OF WALEs's.-On Wednesday last, by special desire of
their president, Mr. Henry Irving," The Irving. Amateur Dramatic
Society" gave a morning performance of Othello. Mr. John Child in
the principal character, Mr. Wallack as Iago, Mr. R. L. Roumieu as
Cassio, and Miss Florence Worth as Desdemona-all sustained their
parts with most market& ability, being well supported throughout, the
gratification of a discriminating audience being manifested in frequent
and unstinted applause. These clever amateurs repeated their per-
formance on Friday at the Windsor Theatre, under distinguished
patronage, in aid of the Windsor Dispensary.

H&rwood You !
JOHN PERCY AUGUSTUS HARWOOD, at Kidderminster, has been
advertising for clerks, obtaining from the applicants 40 or 50 as
security, and then causing himself to be non est," an anything but
honest proceeding. In addition to this, however, he has rewarded
some of the townspeople who were kind to him by inducing their
daughters to elope with him. Luckily he has been captured at Liver-
pool, and if he only gets half he deserves the ex-schoolmaster will be
missing from social circles for a co isiderable time.



[FEB. 2, 1881.


... A ,1,,.1,
".', I t I' l i 'V/

There's a fellow we know who, directly there's a "frost," is sure to come And he isn't to be frightened away by any servant with a message that we axe
round on the look-out for dinners and small loans, out,' but boldly peeps into her hand for dinner-invites.
7 ,- U
+ ,,.,- .... ,r '~ ,. I,. itr }.~l ______ Ilu
.... ',.1,![ !tl, ,il)I '],' 7 i .',:_. ., ." '- 'u .. -.__t ,_kt.... ." i_,'-, @ 'I' I1 _.. .l!f-l''4 ,t~rilr., .. .. ",i, l l,,, ,f; ,:,,,' .". h i iliiii,,

1 11 q z .

-, P4-**.

* ~A..4'9$.,,
* a.'~ *~./[

And when we throw out one of these, to see that fellow fight with other fellows of the same~kidney to get possession of it I
_____ ~ FV

But when the "frost" is over, and all is fullness and fiusbness, But back he comes again next "frost." "Fact is, old fellow," he says, "I've been up a tree
and we want those little loans repaid, that fellow is all this time, or would have sent that little sum; but directly this frost breaks-- and.
remarkably shy and hard to approach. soen. We're sure that fellow has undergone a former existence in some other form..

iFTJN.--FEB. 2, 1881.


FUN. t7

I CARED for her-well!- not a penny-
She didn't care twopence for me!
So clearly there could not be any
Love lost between this He and She !
I've certainly loved a great many-
But with Her it was not to be!
I cared for hi r-well !-not a peany-
She didn't care twopence for -me !
I met her at Abergavenny
k (Not used for the rhyme, for, you see,
I might just as well say Kilkenny!),
'Twas only at Afternoon Tea-
I cared for her-well !-not a penny-
She didn't care twopence for me!

SINcE I last wrote to you, sir, I have passed thrnigh a week of .the
most horrible suspense and danger. Sudden death bas not only been
at my door, so to speak, but has been shut up with -me within the
walls of my semi-detached tenement. I have been,, as it .were,;pass-
ing my time with a demon on the premises, I have been-placed in a
state of siege beneath my own roof. I have been afraid, for my wife
and children's sake, to go out, even for help, ,and much more ;afraid
for my own to come in again. My back parlour has been, in effect,
undermined ; my kitchen turned into a kind ofBrobdingnagian bomb;
my very front passage as perilous a place as.our advanced trenches
once were before Sebastopol. A summary termination to -my
Extra-Special" existence by concussion, by compound fracture, by
scalding water, by explosive convulsion, by anatomical; annihilation
has been, if the metaphor be permissible, staring me im the'face. In
short, to put all I have written into plain and simple ,English, Iam the
unfortunate possessor of a self-filling kitchen boiler, unprovided with a
safety-valve and possessing no get-at-able" aperture by which it can be
The startling intelligence contained in the daily papers for the 19th
inst., to the effect that three plain cooks had been already blown up
with their boilers, not unnaturally led me to inspect our own; and
the discovery that it was one constructed on the most dangerous
principles led to the immediate development of something like a panic
in our household. The female who fills a menial position in our
family, instead of rising to the occasion, fell into hysterics as soon as
I had explained to her the necessity for caution, and added consider-
ably to the general alarm by rushing into the front garden brandish-
ing a carpet broom and most irrelevantly shouting, Fi-er! fi-er! "
at the top of her normally high voice.
Thus deprived of herlocalknowledge of the kitchen range at a critical
moment, and finding that water ran but sparingly from the boiler tap,
I felt that I was called upon to do something desperate and decisive,
and so seizing the poker, I dashed at the fire and raked it out with
such reckless abandon that some of the red-hot cinders scuttled away
into the china pantry, and all but furnished full cause for our
domestic's hysterical shouts. For even when I had discovered that the
straw and empty boxes on the pantry-floor were on fire there was a
total absence of water to extinguish it, and it was only by an Extra-
Special" effort of my brain that I happened to remember our store
of soda water, by the expenditure of eight bottles of which I finally
mastered the conflagration.
That done, there was the question of dinner to consider, and as
every other flue in the house smoked furiously, it was absolutely
necessary to relight the kitchen fire or essay to cook our piece of
sirloin over the parlour gas chandelier. In the meantime I had set
my eldest son at work to drill a hole in the top of the boiler, whilst
his sister, well meaningly, but with an evident absence of any know-
ledge of practical hydrostatics, tried to force miniature snowballs into
it, up the tap.
At six-thirty that ever ing we were not yet blown up, it is true, but
on the other hand, the sirloin of beef was not nearly done, and as the
boiler began to rumble internally in the most alarming manner about
that time, I promptly decided to finally withdraw the kitchen fire and
fall back on sardines and potted ham for dinner.
Since that ill-omened day existence in our dwelling has been a most
chequered one, most of my time having been spent at the boiler-side
in endeavouring to feed it like a croupy infant, by snow water passed
through a quill, which I managed to insert in a small aperture made
after weary hours of labour with a drill. Our domestic has refused
absolutely to enter the kitchen whilst the fire islighted, and the cook-
ing has thus also devolved upon me. I would I could say I had
proved equal to the situation. But I have not, and when the boiler,

as it has had a trick of doing several times a day, has gurgled violently
nothing but the sternest sense of duty has kept me at my post. Comic-
copy, under such circumstances, has been out of the question, and I
am quite prepared if necessary for your reproof. I would rather be
blown up by you, sir, in fact, than by my self-filling boiler!

The Cave, last Wednesday.
SiR,-.Right again, as usual, -youWee, as I need scarcely point oat.
My tip for the Address gave Goverment Majority for winner, didn't
it ? Well, the animal pulled through, sir, as I predicted; there's
nothing wonderful in that, however, for, though it always seems to
be having a desperate struggle for it, in the end it generally proves
its ability to come in hand over ha4,ad easy winner in the long run
(and the runs are so long now. hat itinq.h'h time they were shortened).
This is suggestive of "-ropi, "'-bit ,ere is in reality no more a
"rope" than there is "apn axea, te Jeby," and even lr. O'Donnell
admits the absence of the .latterticfle.
There have been sundry atmp.tso-pait pressure upon the head of
affairs torrevprsethe de er of t-Ae-s~,dwith regard to two events, and
run the Land Bill .Inter's -P bte-efore bringing on the Coercion
Scurry; bhut the powers-.that.-be-have remained firm, and the field for
the latterwas trotted out-forthepreliminary canter on Monday. The
Irish animals were kittish,,.as M.sual-"aInly more so "-and one of
them, the light-mouthed Biggar,-had to be turned out of the ring.
This caused somewhat of.a commotion among his stable companions,
and therewas such a kicking up of heels that it took all night, and a
good deal of the next day,:.to reduce them to order; but they had to
give in to the rein at last, and, in consequence of the trouble they have
.given, will probably be worked on the curb for some time to come. It
is some consolation to lovers of fair sport that such conduct is sure to
discredit the Irish stable and alienate public favour.
Mr. Forster's Coercion (or rather Protection) is so sure of victory in
the end, distant though it probably is, that it is hardly necessary to
say that it has my support; but, as some people won't be satisfied
without my tip, why, there it is. The animal is much fancied by all
but the Irish contingent, who are too much in love with their own
selection, Obstruction, to exercise their common sense, for their
candidate is obviously blind and, with all its powers of "crossing,"
without the slightest chance of ultimate success.
The London Athletic Club hold their general meeting to-night, and
prophetically speaking, as becomes the Old ean, I may say the
report of the last, and the prospects of the coming, season are as
satisfactory as can be desired. Next week I shall have digested the
subject and may have more to.say.
Look out next week for myselection for the Kempton Park Grand
Hurdle Handicap. Such a sight it will be !-Yours, &c.,

WOnsBE things," say some (with truth, we trust)
There might have been effected-"
And some will say, with much disgust,
It's just what they expected ;
While some regard it with dismay,
And some with gasping fury,
We simply give a shrug and say,
"An Irish trial-by-jury !"

A Parliamentary "Post."
SIR ALEXANDER GORDON not wishing to prolong further the pro-
tracted debates on the Irish Question, and yet having something he
wished to say, printed his remarks in circular form, and instead of
catching the Speaker's eye, caught the post, and sent round his speech
to the whole .of the Members of the House of Commons. It is useless,
we fear, to hope that this example will be generally followed, though
there is clearly no more direct way of posting Members up in the
topics upon which they have to legislate. Obstructionists, too, would
be baffled were they obliged to send round the speeches they now
deliver viva voce. They would be literally driven from "pillar" to
"post," indeed; and their interminable discourses, instead of effect-
ing a waste of time, would merely cause an overflow of the waste-
paper basket. Then, too, there would be such a simple, and yet
effectual, way of bringing any debate summarily to an end. All the
majority would have to do to close it, in fact, would be to merely
abstain from opening the postal packets containing the minority's
"late" than never.

FEn. 2, 1881.

48 [FE. 2, 1881.


IT is stated that 'Mr. MacDonogh, Q.C., the leading counsel for the
defence in the Land League trial, was one of the junior counsel for
the defence in the O'Connell trial in 1844, and therefore constitutes an
interesting link with the past history of Ireland. We suppose if he
had not been there he would necessarilyhave been the missing link."
The Audit Oflice at the Paymaster-General's Department have
actually refused to pay certain moneys because in one account the word
"favour was spelt with a" u" and in the other the vowel was
omitted. This is truly u-morous: if they are so particular that every-
thing corresponds they must have a lot of corresponding clerks.
A contemporary states that the recent severe weather ,has reduced
police, court offences all over the country to an extent which is emi-
nently refreshing. Surely not; the decrease of police-court cases would
imply that there has been less "refreshing."

Seasonable Suggestions.
TaxHE weather is invariably a favourite theme of conversation with
Englishmen, but lately it has especially been an ice topic.
If someone remarks that he thinks the frost is breaking up,"
immediately reply, Yes, it's school, though," and then assume a
thawotful expression.
Should anyone want to know your opinion of the weather, say you
should not be surprised if it were to get warmer by degrees."
One of the leading theatres announced that it closed in consequence
of the inclement weather. This was superfluous ; the closing of a
theatre is generally associated with a "frost."

Tax first, meeting of the Kyrle Society for the current year was
held last Thursday; and a very suitable time of year, too, for

TIaE of chilblains and blue noses,
When Jack Frost, as with a belt,
Every flood and fountain closes,
Save the jabber of the Celt;
It is one of my worst vices
To abhor your snows and ices,
And opine a skate though nice is
Quite inferior to this melt !
For if wading's not delightful,
Say, is slipping so divine ?
Are soaked trousers much more frightful
Than a spiflicated spine ?
Boyish, and not virile, vigour's
That which sports with wintry rigours;
Figure eights seem foolish figures,
When one's figure's forty-nine !
No, let poor old fogies favour
Slush that suits their sluggish blood;
There are joys of subtle savour
To be picked out of the mud !
When the grimy ousts the gritty
From the wet ways of the City,
Eve, they'll show you, 's quite as pretty
After, as before the Flood!
Watch the rime and refuse, drifted
Townwards, clog her passage through;
See a hem discreetly lifted,
And then curse the thawing, do!-
When it's mankind's bounden duty
To admire the nice and pooty,
And the dainty boots of beauty
Show a bit more than a bout !
Then the thoughtful thaw unfetters
Parcels that, imprisoned, wait ;
Lets a man receive his letters,
Only three or four days late;-
Gives the glory of goloshes,
Andthe grace of mackintoshes
To the bard, who even washes
Now he's paid his water-rate.
But the present world-wide puddle
Yields a joy that makes these blush:-
Contemplation of the muddle
Into which our ediles rush.
Bliss for men and gods' delighting,
Rapturous -ecstatic-biting!
Viewing idiot vestries fighting
With the universal slush!

Nota Bene !
A courTY cornfactor, who was a wag
in his way, having recently sold out all
his stock of horse beans, stuck up the
letters "N.B." in his window, and're-
ferred all inquiries for the lacking com-
modity to those mysterious capitals.
Pressed at last to explain his meaning, he
exclaimed, Well, you can't be classic
scholars, you can't, not to know that
N.B. is French for Not-a-Bean in the

FAB. 2, 1881.] 49

A MIDDLE-AGED gentleman, sleek and trim,
In a first class carriage seated,
Listen'd, as some folks wouldd do to a hymn,
To "Banbury cakes" repeated! !
He beckoned the boy and he bought a store
To assuage his gastric yearning,
Then beckoned again, and purchased some more
As he saw the boy returning.
He ate and he ate for many a mile,
And thoughts of his youth came thronging;
His face was sweet with a sugary smile
As he quenched his boyish longing.

A middle-aged gentleman went to bed, i
So shining and clean and rosy,
Into the pillows he nestled his head, .. _.
And curled himself snug and cosy.
He slumbered a space, when a ghastly pest 6:
Of a pastry hag came bumping,
Like twenty stone, on the top of his chest,
Till his heart grew faint with thumping.
She had currant eyes and a flaky lip,
And a robe of sugared messes,
And she only loosened her sticky grip
To threaten him with caresses.
If she should kiss him, he'd smother and die;
An agonised fear enchained him; .
He would cry, or fly !-he could only lie,
And the weight of the lady pained him.
At last with a struggle he broke the spell-
Woke with a genuine aching,
With a yell; to that.dream he bid farewell
And for ever-to. iBanbury caking! .- -

A Military Paradox. WEIGHT FOR AGE.
AN officer never gets so much "paix" as when he
is actually engaged in some war. Small Boy (to old lady) :-"SHALL I CARRY TER 'OME, MARME "

SEVERAL cases of drowning are erroneously headed by our contem-
poraries "Accidents on the Ice." Now, no one was ever yet drowned
on the ice. It is those who fail to remain on it, and go through it,
that run that risk.

The greatest "bore" in skating, in all senses of the word, is that
you make with a brad-awl in your boot-heel for the skates' screw.
Sardines d l'huile may be a popular summer relish. Just now skates
Sl'Ahuile are the only fish we care about.
The Wigan election took place just in time. A week later there
could not have been a "warm" contest; nor, indeed, a contest of
any kind, as only Arctic veterans would have been able to reach that
North-west Poll" on the day of the election.
Frost, the famous Chartist, was a great advocate for the levelling of
all "lass distinctions in his time; but there is a still surviving mem-
ber of the Frost family-we allude to the notorious "Jack "-who
attacks prince, peer, and peasant alike with even greater bitterness.

Ice, we notice, is still on sale at the usual djpois. We presume it
is weighed on a "sliding scale."

Wanted-a dentist who will undertake to draw some of the worst
tAesth of the wind.

A .Motherly Sort ofTerson.
vMS. SHAw, the wife of a-Newcastle mechanic at present out of work,
,ahas,.presented her husband ,with four little :girls at one time, one of
,*which has two teeth. Luckily two of the infants did not survive, or
rthe -mechanic would-have had plenty of work to do-to mind them.
( Substantial sympathy has been evinced by many visitors in the neigh-
,bourhood, it is said,.and though we never like to stop charity in any
shape, we think this kind of thing ought Shawly not to be encouraged.

Thieving Done on the Premises.
THE other day the Leeds police were informed by a gentleman
named Saynor that two men had entered his house while he and his
wife were at church, had nearly murdered his daughter, and had
stolen his cash-box. On the authorities proceeding to the house they
found Miss Mary Ann Saynor in bed, apparently suffering from the
injuries; but on the surgeon examining the bruises he at once pro-
nounced them to have been self-inflicted, and two of the notes having
been traced to the young lady, she admitted her guilt. Her defence
was that her lover had promised her certain presents, and she took the
money in order to buy them, believing that he would give her the
money when she told him what she had done, and then she could re-
fund the amount. Fact certainly in this case is stranger than fiction,
for of all the strange stories (and we can't help thinking her statement
is a story") this is the strangest. The young lady is by name
Saynor, but we cannot imagine an insaner idea than this ; as, however,
people are not supposed to be accountable for their actions when in
love we will Saynor more about it.

Our Money Article."
ADVICE TO YOUNG LADIES.-During the present weather chapped
hands are a great nuisance. Read, dear little Popsey Wopsies, for we
will let you into a secret, and tell you how a lady can keep her hands
quite free from chaps. It is by carefully circulating a report that you
have NO MONEY. The chaps will keep away, you bet.
ADVICE TO YOUNG eMEN.-Never ask a young lady you wish to get
married to (especially if she has money) why her back hair doesmnot
,match with that in the front.

'Strange Generosity on the part of .a Careful Man -when
,a Child.
A MISER died in the South .of England a few days ago. After
careful investigation his trustees find he once gave something away.
In the giddy frivolity of his early youth he gave the measles to -his
younger brother. This fact is to be handed down to posterity in brass
letters on his tombstone.


Mary, cook (to Jane, housemaid) :-" BUT WOT I SAYS is, DON'T HE look THE NOBLEMA"N!

MATILDA JANE It isn't fair!
I do declare I never
Can get my right and proper share
Of anything whatever.
Now look at this confounded snow,
And how the stuff's divided,
And tell me-did you ever know
Behaviour so one-sided ?
Just look The folks across the road
Have had it blown and drifted
Against their doorways by the load-
Are they so good and gifted
That they should have sufficient snow
To snow them up and trap them,
While I've this wretched bit to show
Matilda! I could slap them!
"AT a meeting of the London and Westminster Constitutional
Association, Dr. John Rae delivered a lecture on Arctic Life and
Exploration.' In moving a vote of thanks to the lecturer, Mr.
Woollaston Pym drew attention to the condition of England ."
There must have been a remarkable s'm'larity in the descriptions given
by the two gentlemen!

NOTICE !-On Tuesday next,
One Shilling; b post, Is. 2d.,
Uniform with the above,
Round Table Books-One Shilling each. Post, Is. 2}d.
Their Cards, and How They Played Them.
By ERNEST WARRan. Illustrated by HAL LUDLOW.
The demand for this book has rendered it necessary to print another
edition, which is now ready for delivery as a Standard Shilling Book,
and is the first of a series to be called Round Table Books.

lI made of the FINFPT matrl< nd I*
gearan etd obepUR IFEl AGE UIN CAUTION -I f
work as te / o .oUds o rd o da bl 1w CapP th e n
and is much more economic than ie thecup it proves
cheap ad adulterated soaps., which the addition of
One trial will ensure its constant use.
old in 11ib. bars at 5d. Of aU Grocers, Oilmen, and Storea. PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHINGC! I!
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phceniz Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietos) at 168, Fleet Street, U.O.-London, Feb. 2, lS1.

[FEB. 2, 1881.


r ~. I
fTh /


IT isn't that FUN would appear ostentatious
Concerning his worth and acts,
That he trumpets them loudly-it isn't--good gracious
It's only his love of facts.
Whenever he 's struck with his wisdom or beauty,'
It's plain to the merest dunce,
It 's simply his clear unavoidable duty
To spread it abroad at once.
Laugh away You're gaining
n NSuch a lot of fun !
0 o ,-, ,o :- Never mind explaining-
-0 ~ I know I 've only one.
S- Only one and plenty,
I And so you needn't stare;
So o I never wanted twenty,
S"I wouldn't have 'em-there !
SIWhen you have a number
1 7You generally find
SThey make a lot of lumber,
I I And agitate the mind:
You can't recall the faces
C Of ev'ry one you 've got,
SYou mix the flow'rs and laces,
i, 1 And muddle up the lot.
4: "When, though, favoured merely
With a single one,
All its beauties clearly
00 Shine beneath the sun,
0 o0 Then, with time-and plenty,
%o o The smallest points will tell,
00. .o0 o0 00" o o 'aO oco They wouldn't if you'd twenty,
Of course not. Very well!
Bother take valentines For their sake who repines ?
As for me, I declare they might be buried-there !
I may not be believed, but the lot I 've received-
Grand and dear, cheap and plain-very near turn my brain ;
Pile on pile, trays on trays,-not a smile can I raise.
* op ^ -% E0 W o'o '0 o '1,"o 0 Ev'ry post
c0%aa''. 'a r e 0 a'o 00o 00 '0 0 Calmly brings
S.. -- Quite a host
S- ._._ .. Of the things.
II' Such a lot
0 oi Who'd get thro'?
S I- S i Gracious, what
,o Shall I do?
What's the use
0 Of (says I)
o^ lSo profuse
74I 7' ,. A supply?
Pales the grace
,n ,I ,i +', Of each gem
S''* .'* S ., 0 When the place
4 f, i" 7 j "1: '' Reeks of them.
0 H I ow can FUN,
SGirl, or Gent,
~0 '^ ^ ___<-.._ 0^ Find the one
Charlie sent
S .'y- -- 2- 0 (Silly flat)
-- -" Out of these?
Jo .'. o,%0 0 0. 0:0* t o,0 0 Tell me that,
,00 .A- : J*A'Ji" *- t A r "i If you please.


And while on the subject (which has its attractions),
Oh, trumpet this virtue far-
How apposite all his expressions and actions,
Ideas and phrases are !
And nothing can less this contention encumber
(With confidence he opines)
Than giving, to open his Valentine Numnber,
A number of valentines.
I 'm unprepossessing
And lacking in grace; .
It's really distressing a 0, 0Too*.p*,0
To look in my face..
(Though laughter convulsive ro
Comes after, a bit); o
I'm highly repulsive, 0
I'm bound to admit. / '
My friends and relations'
On Valentine's Day ,-.,*A--t| 0
Give faint indications "
Of this in their way, '' '
By sending me sketches .
(Expressing their mind) ., y, rt .. i,
Of various wretches |:v' i *
Of animal kind. ;
But though all their creatures'
Be monkeys and such,
My hideous features
They never can touch. 'i
So, smiling contented,
I bask in the fun, .a o 0 o 0
And feel complimented .**
By every one.
Matilda Jane, yon poison-bowl
(I've kept it like a miser)
Will take ten lives, and not a soul
Will be a whit the wiser.
The mystery
of death and life, | 'o 0% ''f? o g o.. o 04go OoH
This noose can play oo-o 0 o a o
its solver.
I've many lives 0 -- o-0
in this good knife, I,
There's six in this 00 II ,
revolver. 20 -. 0
This axe will sev- ,
cr necks with ease ./ o
(It comes from far a-' /
St. Kilda); .,.
This life-preser- o
strong, and these .
Are all for thee, 2. .
Matilda. "
A fit reward for all j o '
you'vedone,_ "
Nay, pray retain t0o
your senses,- -_.
You know you sent .
thatuglyone,- o 0 o i 0 0, Qoa
These are the con- 0'o ol o-% 0 "0 o 0 0
sequences !


l'EI. 9, I88I.



COULD any reasonable mind
Continue permanently blind
To satire of a subtle kind ?
I stoutly answer, "Never !"
The homily I now relate
Concerns a mind you'll contemplate
With joy-and yet a mind not great
Nor eminently clever.

It was the mind of one whose name
Was Jones, or Brown-it's all the same-
His calling was the prosy game
Of mercantile humdrummings:
I want to tell you how he came,
With awful inward pangs of shame,
With self-revilement and with blame,
To see his own shortcomings.

I also want to clearly prove
How satire has the power to move,
And turn from his disgraceful groove
The laugh-provoking and the dullard;
And that the satire which combines
The lash with humour that refines
Is that contained in Valentines-
One penny-" ugly "-cullard.
This Jones, or Brown, it should be known,
Had frightful failings of his own-
Your whole respect for him were flown
At once, should I describe him !
His bosom friends, aware of this,
Would never-hardly ever-miss
An opportunity to hiss
And mercilessly gibe him.
But lor no chaff of any kind
Presented fully to his mind
The failings which were there enshrined,
Or those about his person :
Mere clumsy chaff, without a scrap
Of tasteful glaze, presented slap,
Will make an ill-conditioned chap
At once become a worse 'un I
But when a friend (for simple fun,
Not knowing wonders would be done)
Sent Jones, or Brown, an "ugly one,"
The latter fairly started ;
Its hidden sting-its deep, intense,
Yet lightly-inculcated sense-
How grand the sermon, how intense,
How grave, that they imparted !
At one great stroke he came to note
The folly of a crimson coat;
He saw that man must simply dole
Whose hat is black and yellow;
In shame he turned extremely red
To find he had a goose's head ;
Conviction and remorse were wed
In that converted fellow !
At once retiring to a cave,
He solemnly refused to shave,
And gave his nature to a wave
Of chastening reflection;
And often to his thoughts came back
That picture's exhortation-" Quack !"
He wore a girdle and a sack
For corporal correction.
His bosom friends urbanely smirked
To see the change the picture worked,
"Their duty now should not be shirked,"
They chuckled, much elated;
Nor was it shirked ; they sent a host
Of ugly ones by ev'ry post,
Till Jones, or Brown, was choked a'most,
And wholly inundated.
With these the hermit, sad and grave,
Bedecked the window of his cave,-
There were the passers-by to save
From further wild careering;
And lowly folks would hang about,
And oftentimes go in and out,
Until there couldn't be a doubt
These prints were disappearing.
And then the hermit, one fine day,
When all those prints were gone for aye,
Shut up his cave and went away
Reformed and wise and proper.
There never came within my range
A man possessing such a strange
Illimitable stock of change,
Exclusively in copper!

are some "matches" which can only be
struck on the Valentine Box.

FE,. 9, i8Sl.



S I,

S W 'k OO .,A//-I



I. The Pretty Valentine. Effect on the Front Door.
2. The Ugly One. Effect on the Valentine.
3. This is not Valentine-it is Hoarse 'un.

4. Jack Hardup receives his usual Valentine.
5. Suggested by a Mother-in-Law.
6. City (Stock Exchange) Gentleman.-" Say, will you bc-ah-
mine, or take shares in my establishment ? "





-~fl-. *

(70 ,I.A

54 FU N FEB. 9, s881.

Lady (visiting Siudio).-" WHAT DID YOU SAY THE SUBJECT WAS?

To all too wise to view askance
Advantages so very plain
We now present
A most extensive stock on hand,
Which must be cleared from off the shelf:
Investors well will understand
No man of wisdom would betray
An apathy to good advice :
Our splendid stock is
So those who wish to see our store
Should do so on an early day,
And choose their purchases before
The stock
At any hour it may be seen,
And tried, and handled by the load,
From Camberwell to Turnham Green,
From Putney to the Kingsland Road.
In bulk, in parcels, by the block,
In ev'ry road and street it lurks,-
The whole of that
A portion is
With heat and wet and soot and spot;
And, rather than be haply foiled
In our attempts to
We beg to state to those who think
They wouldn't care to buy and pay
That we 're prepared to
To those who'll

THAT by faith you can overcome mountains may be or may not be a fact,
But, seeing the manner in which you have recently managed to fail,
It would seem that whatever obedience from mountains it is you exact,
Your efforts are thoroughly useless whenever applied to a Dale!
MR. ROBARTS we can but note with pity
The Common Council's put you on the shelf,
Because Remembrancer for all the City,,
You have contrived to so forget yourself!
0 "JERSEY Lily I" though you are the rage,
Think several times before you try the stage;
For think! you may give cause to some detractress
To say you're but a "Lily "-putian actress.
YOUR Cup," dear Laureate, many folks opine,
Is not a little overdone with whine;"
In fact, it is complained in common chat,
There is so much "Sham-pain that it seems flat.
WHAT! would you filch our commons, eh! as rumour now announces ?
Why, "common" sense cries out at you and your base greed denounces;
But don't you think one moment you will have your greedy way,-
In spite of "Common" Council "Commons" House may yet say

GLOBE.-La Belle Normande is, we fear, a bell(e) that has not the
true ring "in it,-and it won't pull "-It is preceded by The Genius,
in which real talent is displayed.
CONNAUGHT.-For some reason or other La Fille de Tambour Major
has turned out "not for Jo."
CRITERION.-Brave Hearts is likely to prove that "hearts are
VAUDEVILLE.-Divorce. The story and treatment may be somewhat
extravagant; but the piece has been well received, and has probably suffi-
cient merit to keep together some time, before a separation has to be
HAVERLY'S MASTODONS.-'T is said they have gone to America; we
thought they must-a-done.
SADLER'S WrLLS.-Othello, after this week, will be "moor'd" to
make room for Macbeth.
IMPERIAL.-The Danites has been produced by Mr. Charles
Morton-may it have a long "(American) life" before there comes its
"Mort "on.
PRINCE OF WALES.-The Colonel. The report that a "professional
beauty was to appear in this piece must have come from a cracked
nut." Now the nut is cracked, The Colonel is out, and the P.B." is
not to be found in The Colonel. What an empty s(h)ell! The play is
a decided success.
GAIETY.-The Good-Natured Man. The first performance was given
on Wednesday. It is a reproduction that should be seen by all good-
natured men-and women.
on Tuesday last, was aided by several of the most eminent London
actors, and some "Mo(o)RE."
SEEING how many hearts are set on fire by Saint Valentine, it is
doubtful whether the traditional pair of brothers were not Valentine and
Arson, not Orson.


4i /


W ,"








9, 1881.


IF / Ilk

FED. 9, i88r.


HOUGH the the-
Satre for North-
umberland Ave-
t mnue has proved
itself but "-the
baseless fabric of
visionn" the fact
1u deterreth not
/ other speculators
-rather encou-
4 'prageth them,'pro.
bably. At any
rate, a new the-
Satre is now spo-

to be erected op-
ken of as likely
posite the Free-
masons' Tavern."
There can be no
doubt of the truth
of the report-
the place will be
built of a Verity.
That is to say, it will be built from the designs of Mr. T. Verity, for
Mr. Charles Wentworth. The question for future ages with regard to
the manager will be, not so much what he went worth as what he came
back worth.
But wouldn't it be better, instead of all this building of new houses,
to make those pay that stand already? (Trophonius says, "Those that
stand' always do pay," but the remark-does not seem a valuable con-
tribution to the discussion.) Or better still, why not build them on the
American portable system, so that, failing to take in one locality, they
could be comfortably carted off to another for a trial, and so on till they
"struck ile."
Any one neglecting the morning performances at the Gaietyjust now,
over which Miss Litton holds delightful sway, will miss something more
than a treat. Apart from the interest of the revivals (and I like to see
old comedies-very old comedies-revived), it is a pleasure to watch the
method of such actors as Messrs. Farren and Everill, irrespective of the
parts they play, and Miss Litton
is undeniably very clever. So it
was in The Country Girl, and J
so it is in The Good-Natured a t

To say that Miss Litton's Pegg )
was inferior to her Rosalind is
simply to say that Shakespeare's
character has depth and subtlety
-is a complete portraiture, in
fact-while Wycherly's is both oc
superficial and incidental ; but
by innumerable little touches of
gesture and expression, Miss
Litton gave us a very perfect
picture of the mischievous,
thoughtless, innocent hoyden,
and clearly indicated how purely
the part had been "thought
out." I do not think there was "
a redundant gesture or a mean-
ingless glance from beginning
to end.
Mr. Howard Russell is the latest reported addition to the cast (which
promises to be extra strong) of lMichael Strogoff at the Adelphi. I un-
derstand he is to play the Ameer, but inferior puns and not absolute
accuracy are my aim 'ere I
The Two Q. C.'s is the title of an operetta produced at the Crystal
Palace recently, which is sufficiently successful, I believe; but I do not
think the management will have to apologize when it becomes ex-Q.C.'s.
A Scents-ible Remark.
THE Post Office is unable to guarantee the punctual delivery ofvalen-
tine packets. The best thing to do, therefore, to secure it in the case of
your own is to send nothing but fancy boxes of perfume. Whatever
may happen to other packets, you will then be quite sure yours will be
'scent! "
BRITANNIA'S TRANS-VAALANTINE .-The insurrection of the Boers.

OH, I felt so broken-hearted, when my love and I were parted !
I was hopeless, I was joyless, I was melancholy mad.
Not a soul came ever near me, to console me or to cheer me,
For in popular opinion I was drifting to the bad.
If the date of my affection has escaped my recollection,
When you look at my condition you can hardly wonder why;
Though distinctly I remember it was in a bleak December
That she told me how she loved me-and she told a jolly lie!
When I think upon the features of that loveliest of creatures,
Of her smiling, her beguiling, and the way she did her hair,
I can conjure up a notion of the depth of my devotion,
And the lengths a fellow goes to if he 's driven to despair.
You may search through every nation, in whatever situation,
Though I own that such a journey would be troublesome to try,
And you haply may discover as unfortunate a lover,
But you never will encounter such a jolly fool as I!

FEBRUARY 14th, 1881.
LOVE well sown will yield a harvest
Of the richest golden grain;
S Thou art poor who loveless starvest,
SSowing famine, reaping pain.
\ '\ Idols may be clay engilded,
And the gold may fall away,
S But if Love the shrine has builded
They will never quite decay I
Love in his most trifling doings,
Even such as yours and mine,
Sown in ordinary wooings,
SHarvest brings,-a Valentine !

THE landlord of an hotel in the Isle of Wight was summoned for sup.
plying adulterated rum, when his wife explained that she was not aware
that the liquor she sold had already been "lowered," and fearing it
would' be overproof, she had put in more water. The bench evidently
believed this, as they only fined the defendant one shilling for her rum
It seems that as the law is at present, cabmen are grievously wronged,
and the Echo suggests that if they were to "Boycott" the House of
Commons for a week, they would secure attention to their grievance.
We think their refusing to carry members would be carrying it too far.
Why not advertise that any one taking up their case will be hansomh
rewarded ?

SIR,-I have deceived you-I admit it. When I hinted, in my last,
that you should have my tip for the Kempton Park Grand Hurdle
Handicap this week, I was not speaking in accordance with the facts :
it was not so-I deceived you. You shall not have the tip this week-it
is next week that you shall have it, and what a tip it will be !
SThe animals are still at it for the Coercion Scurry (Ist heat) at West-
minster, but goodness only knows when the real race will come off, though
the ground is in capital condition. On Thursday Mr. Labouchere intro-
duced his contribution, a merry, entertaining animal, with plenty of
strong points about him, which is much fancied by the Irish Party; but,
like the sturdy one introduced by Mr. Cowen on the previous evening.
all his points are of the wrong kind for this event. Earlier in the evening
the Fleet Street Griffin was trotted out and created some amusement;
there is some hope that this animal may soon retire into private life: the
old man would like to hear of it being brought to the hammer. On
Friday they went on with the event,-on and on, round and round, over
the same ground again and again, and the same on Monday, when the
Stewards had arranged for a finish, but the Irish contingent, though
hopelessly beaten, insisted on fighting it out, and the whole field settled
down to the long trial of endurance. This continued till Wednesday,
when the Steward of the course abruptly stopped the heat, and, as was
inevitable, justified my tip of the 26th inst., addressed to the Irish
contingent. Hooray Always right!
I hope you are still keeping your eye on Mr. Think's nomination for
the Waterloo Cup. I am, yours &c., TROPIONIUS.
P.S.-You shall have that tip for the Kempton Park Grand Hurdle
Handicap next week-you really shall. It is such a beauty that I can
hardly bring myself to part with it.

60 FFUN. FE. 9, 188


Third Lady.-" NOT EVEN A RING !"

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON SAINT VALENTINE. lators not only translated the fancy stationer to a bishopric, but also
turned the words cornsescience into "conscience," and thus made
IT has remained for me, Sir, to upset the tradition so long accepted old Valentine a martyr to his conscience." You may be sure that was
without question, that the original Saint Valentine was a bishop. After it, Sir, and that the old boy never went to a stake as has been alleged
several months of antiquarian research, in the course of which I visited -he had his steaks brought to him, and quite right too! And now, Sir,
the birthplace of the amatory saint, I have come to the confident con- I have dispelled some of the mists of history.
clusion that he was a Fancy Stationer-a very fancy one, in fact-who
was connected by marriage with a Perfumer of the People. I call him ANOTHER VERSION.
a perfumer of the people, because I find on inquiry he dealt so largely As there are many inaccuracies to be found in the works of those who
in common "scents," such as the masses would naturally prefer. pretend to know all about St. Valentine's Day, we have gone to the
I have been at much pains to discover how the mistake about the bishop trouble and expense of collecting certain facts, which we rather fancy
arose, and was one day fortunate enough to unearth, at the British will astonish our readers.
Museum, a palimpsest of the second century, which, though at first sight The originator of this festival is commonly supposed to be Saint Valen.
it seemed only a doctrinal treatise, turned out on scrutiny to have been tine : nothing of the kind ; it isn't feasible that the man who incited
in the first place covered with the facetious composition of a wag of the young men to send poetry of an amatory character to young women
above period, and you can imagine my excitement when, with the kind could ever have been a Saint; it is far more probable that he was a
aid of a Museum official, I found that this early comic "copy" consisted sinner named Vox, which is further confirmed by the fact of his being
principally of a kind of burlesque life of old Valentine, who had kept known as Valentine Vox. In a future paper we can bring still further
shop, it seemed, in the Via Balba, over against the Forum, a "capitol" and more learned proof of this assertion by a dissertation on Voxpoabutli.
position, by-the-bye, especially as he was also agent for Stamps, legal The next statement which we canflatly contradict, or deny in goed
and otherwise, for that quarter of Rome. Outside his shop was a kind round terms for the matter of that, is this,-" The observance of St.
of barber's pole, to which he used to attach his most taking valentines Valentine's Day is ases old one." Nonsense rubbish Everybody must the
(showing plainly they were "posted" even in that early epoch). And know it is a practice exclusively confined to the young.
such a marked effect did the transmission of his amorous missives pro- Then, again, we are told that "Valentines are invariably sent by the
duce on the Hymeneal returns, that it was currently said he married as post." This is an utter fabrication; it is only of recent years that they
many couples as a bishop. Here clearly, then, was the origin of the have been perfumed by Rimmel, and he it is, and not the post, who
episcopal myth. Further, it appears that a wag in the Forum, in allusion deserves the praise of their being scent.
to his stationery business, dubbed him Bishop of "Reams," so that we Tere is but one instance in which we agree with the dictionary de-
can easily see, Sir, how in course of centuries he came to be alluded to scription of the custom, which is the following : "The chief aim is, in the
as the Bishop of Rheims in all seriousness. generality of cases, to mystify the recipient." There is no doubt the
Again, we have been taught that he died for his religion. Now, I find generality of valentine verses, if we may judge by those we have seen,
in the palimpsest that a jocose allusion was made to the fancy stationer are foggy; in the matter of poetry they are getting verse and verse.
"being a martyr to his corns," there being a blot directly after the last
word, and the next sentence beginning with "science could do nothing TiE LAUREATE'S NEW LADY OF CAMsNsA "-LOT.-Miss Ellen
for him," &c., &c. What I think, therefore, is that subsequent trans- Terry.


They were two City men, of remarkable similarity in force of character, power of brain, stature, physical aspect,!
went out to choose an office chair each. Now No. I made a mistake in his choice. He chose a chair which cram[
and indecision when he sat in it. Folks called in on business; but they went away saying, Humph I not much ii
crossing from the corner of the Royal Exchange.

But No. 2 chose a very different chair. It was a chair that he could lean back in, and exclaim,-" Now, let us understand one another." He could touch a
spring in that chair and shoot up several feet when scandalized at such a suggestion. He could kick out and run backwards in that chair clean across the room
when exclaiming, You don't say that! "

___________ lj


He could pivot suddenly in that chair to say, "My rood sir "Wondertul man of business 1" said all the other fellows out E.C. way. Such a presence the
fellow has-marvellous !" That man is thinking of taking that empty house at the corner of Grosvenor Place.

62 FUN. 1B. 9, 188.


--J "\ )I I



While merry spoon against the tinkling
Makes jocund music like the sound ot
far bell,
I prithee by me with such scorn don't pass;
List to the whale of one who loves a bar-

NJ silly babbler I, no idle dreamer, "I charge," the soldier cries, "'midst battle M1 blushing housemaid, tell your dreams
You'd butter not refuse to hear my lay; dins." of marriage!
0 queen of milkmaids, really you're a I charge," the waiter says; my charge Say, is your love the gardener, page, or
s-cream-er it large is." groom?
Has it oc-cur'd to you I'll have my way While you reply, sweet smiling on the twins, Or do you dream that you will keep a
"Like you two gentlemen, I've got my carnage, [broom?
charges." When for a viscount you give up your

J l \


Old maid, I pity you with all my heart, Dear milliner across the roadway skipping, Excuse my very halting, limping lines, Gay maid of blossoms, you're a budding
At aged celibates I 'm not a sneerer ; With ribbons, bonnets, laces, gloves, and I know full well that none could be much beauty,
But wine's my only joy, so for my part, fans; sloverner; No girl like you the trusting male
Old maid, you're dear-but give me old Iwouldn'tliketosaylcaughtyoutripping- But yet I'11 say I see undoubted signs deceives;
Madeir-er. You've got the ban'box-how about the Sweet governess you're longing for a If you would be polite and do your duty,
banns? governor. You'd only pluck the flowers by their
For the "Common" Good. Scent Valentine's Day.
IF you wish to have a bit of practical fun with the directors of the MR. RIMMEL has this year, as usual, an endless variety of valentines
South Western and Metropolitan Railways on Valentine's Day, send them -excelling in design, if possible, and also if possible more exquisitely
as "common" a valentine as you can buy, and let the postmark on it, if scented, than his displays of former years, a special feature being made
possible, be Wimbledon. of a number of comic hand-painted novelties.

FiK. 16, 1881.




YES, I '11 tell you how it happened-that, too, with all due respect
To the memory of Scroper, late departed architect-
How it came that he departed so abruptly in the train;
Why it was he's been so late, too, in returning' back again.
Now some folks are born to greatness, some achieve it, as you've read;
And some justly stand and take it as it dollops on their head;
But in this sublime Republic, where it's help and help again,
SWe all generally make it in cahoot with other men.
Scroper was a fine young fellow, of a monstrous enterprise;
Likewise really d-ambitious, for he was so bound to rise,
And he left no stone unturned-nor a log-he rolled 'em all,
Till at last he got the contract for our new great City Hall.
Now, of all our mortal actors here upon this earthly stage,
The contractors have the hardest parts to play, I will engage;
Specially in bran-new cities, just between the knead and bake,
And where all the population are severely on the make.
What between the Common Council, and the more uncommon sort,
Politicians, Press and preachers, Scroper fell uncommon short.
All of such as come a-plummin' when a puddin 's to be had;
All against his best contracting' counter-actin' mighty bad.
Therefore when this edificial had got up his edifice,
All who 'd not been edifishing with him soon got up a hiss ;
Said the stuff upon the building' was the worst that could be had,
Likewise called the architecture architechnically bad.
So it came one solemn evening' in a Presbyterian rain
Mr. Scroper all in silence gently took the Northern train ;
All he left was one small message to a friend who shared his home,-
'lihen the darned affair blows over, telegraph for me to come.

VOL. XXIII.-NO. 823.

So he sat one summer morning far away in Montreal,
Musin' on his recent patrons, while at heart he darned 'em all,
When there came a little letter datin' from his recent home,-
"All the thing is quite blown over, back again we bid ,ou come.
"For last night we had a tempest,---while the mighty thunder rang,
Up there came a real guster, which blew down the whole shebang.
(Shebang is a word 'rom Hebrew, meaning' Seven, sayeth Krupp,
And applied to any shanty where they play at seven-up.)
" Truly it was wel blown over all to splinders in the night,
And the winds of heaven are blowin' o'er the ruins as I write."
Gentlemen, the story 's over. It would last for many a day
If it told of every building' built upon the swindlin' lay.

That Interestin' Boy.
HE sat upon the window-sill and jingled ninety cents. There came
along another boy, who said, How are you, Pence? You're goin' out
a Christmassin', I guess, among the Dutch, to buy some gifts." The
other spoke : No-not exactly much. I am in luck, this year, I am.
I haven't any bills. My sister 's sick, and can't expect no presents but
her pills. My brother Ben 's in Canada, away upon the wing. Of
course, you know he can't suppose I'll buy him anything. My mother
pulled my hair, last night, until she made me squall. Of course she
knows that she's gone up for anything at all." "But there 's your
father," said his friend. "Well,-yes-I really thought that I was stuck
on the old man, and that he had me caught, and I was kinder looking
round to hunt him up a pipe; but then, this very morning' he hit me such
a wipe That fixed his Christmas goose for him, and took away his
joy. Now all this money 's goin' to a good and clever boy, to buy
him lots of pea-nuts and candy, I '11 engage-with caramels ; and that
good boy is just my size and age."


FEU. 16, 1881.

The Convenience of Friends.
WINTER, 1880-1.
THE pipes are frozen. Why deplore? Why dismally bewail?
I have no doubt the folks next door will lend us half a pail.
Who would have thought the snow would drive the milkman not to come ?
But Mrs. Brown, at No. 5, is sure to lend us some.
The meter 's frozen! Here's a fix. No candles ? Deary me!
Perhaps the Greens, at No. 6, will lend us two or three.
The snow is on the roof, and chokes the gutters. Where's my hat ?-
They have a ladder at "The Oaks;" I '11 go and borrow that.
The snow has thawed, and overwhelms the attics. Here's a sop!
Just toddle over to The Elms," and ask them for a mop.
The blankets are in such a state; the sheets are soaking wet!
They have a lot at No. 8; I 'll go and beg a set.

.Alsthetes' Valentines.
THE present rage for the high art of which the Grosvenor Gallery is
the shrine, and Mr. DANTE ROSSETTI the chief bard, renders necessary
a total change of epithets, terms, phrases, &c., in the numerous old love
couplets and stanzas for so long associated with good St.Valentine's Day;
such as-
The rose is red, the forget-me-not 's blue,
The violet's sweet, and so are you !"
"Round is the ring that hath no end,
So is my love for thee, my friend."
And so on.
Our MAUDLES and POSTLETHWAITES would sooner die at the stake
than use such natural and un-intense rhymes as the above. Something
"quite too awfully intense" has had to be substituted, and the following
we understand are fair samples of the valentine verses which will be
current this season amongst real esthetes.
"Life-blood is red, the chilblained hand is blue,
The blistering kiss is sweet, so, love, are you!"
"Round is the serpent curled, and hath no end,
So is my bitter love for thee, foe-friend !"

A Lucky Saint's Day.
THERE is something in a number, even if there be nothing in a name.
Who can doubt that St. Valentine's coming on the 14th of the month as
it does is a most fourteenate day for Cupid's votaries?

THE Sunderland Board of Guardians, by the casting vote of their
chairman, have refused an invitation from the manager of the local
theatre for the children and old people to visit the pantomime. One
gentleman of luminous mind opposed the acceptance of the invitation
on the ground that "in a certain proportion of cases" children who
visited pantomimes suffered a "complete loss of moral character" in
after life. Not having seen the following similar occurrences reported,
we append them.
At a meeting of the Blunderland Guardians, yesterday, Mr. Mole
opposed the distribution of boots to paupers with considerable energy
and acumen. He had observed that in a certain proportion of cases
people who wore boots were of the lowest moral tone.
Mr. Gorgibuster, chairman of the Woolish Guardians of the Poor,
in proposing the abolition of dinners in the union, said that he was op-
posed to the supply of dinners on principle; he had remarked that in a

certain proportion of cases people who ate dinners came to a bad end.
No child of his should have dinner with his consent, and although he
himself never went without, he felt his own morals were quite strong
enough to endure the strain.
Some applause was elicited by the speech of Mr. Batty at the Board
meeting of the Guardians of St. Sillians-in-the-Mud, to-morrow evening.
He spoke in favour of keeping the paupers from church, giving it as his
experience that, in a certain proportion of cases, it had the most injurious
effect upon the character; statistics proving that many notorious criminals
had attended church with undeviating regularity.
A resolution was passed next week, at the Purblind Board meeting,
to abolish the practice of breathing in the local '' house;" it being shown
that in a certain proportion of cases persons who have taken to breathing
in early life have been eventually hanged.
Other meetings omitted for want of space.

The Waggish Mr. Warton.
Mr. Warton, waking up during the speech of an Irish Member, at once cried
'Question!' and after glancing round to note the effect, subsided once more into
slumber."-Descriptive Refort of t1e Long Sitting."
OH-, dear Mr. Warton you're clearly a deep 'un,
It's you are the boy to be poking your fun,
With your "Question,"-although all the time you'd been sleeping ,
Not hearing a word of the spacess "-not one;
If all through the world you went constantly seeking
You couldn't have found a suggestion more dry,
Implying when any Home Ruler is speaking
That Question "'s a word which is sure to apply.

Out you go!
OCH ye Saxons, by Jabers but there '11 be a ruction
If once ye attempt to put down our obstruction."
It was thus spake the rabble rout;
But their voices were hushed and their tails depended,
When too far against Parliament rules they offended,
And found they themselves were put out.

COVENT GARDEN.-The Vokes' benefit last Thursday in-vokes our
mention, for benefit it was. We wish we had been there-it might have
been to our benefit to have seen their Fun in a Fog, as we have never
seen our FUN in a fog ; in fact, he never is.
HAYMARKET.-School is closed. Masks and Faces are open, and so
successfully that for this perfect revival the management have no need
to mask their faces.
ALHAMBRA.-Mefistofele 11. and Hawaia. Besides these truly at-
tractive and splendidly mounted pieces, the management have mounted
a splendid new act drop. They drop it every night, and never drop
doing so. Will such constant dropping not wear away its tone?
PRINCE OF WALES'S.-At this theatre the students of the Neville
Dramatic School have given a morning performance of a new and origi-
nal comedy by Mr. George Neville, called An Old Story, with complete
success. The piece is smartly written, the situations all well arranged.
The honours fell to Misses L. Franklin and Cecile Nesdale; Mr. L. G.
Holland and Mr. Cecil Rayne deserve honourable mention.
PRINCESS's.-Mr. Booth's first performance of King Zear was on
Monday evening. We cannot heave-'un-in this morning, but you 'll
IMPERIAL.-Voyage ent Suisse. The marvellous activity and polished
acting of the Hanlon Lees (foreign servants particularly) and Agoust
were worth a journey to see. They are going to sea. Bon voyage.
LYCEUM.-Mr. Chatterton's benefit on 17th inst. A "combination
of talent to bring him talents of gold and silver.


FEB. 16, iSSi.


The Obstructive's Appeal to his Countrymen.
"Mr. Dillon implored them not to be led into violence by the action
of Parliament."-Daily Paper.
MY countrymen, oh, calm yourselves!
Nor strike the Saxon ragingly;
Leave those revolvers on their shelves,
And smile around engagingly;-
Now, pray be calm, don't make a fuss;
Revenge, you 're on the brink of it,
But never mind revenging us-
We beg you not to think of it.
Our conduct's been a mixture grim
Of ignorance and cloudiness,
Of impudence and pertness, im-
Becility and rowdiness;
We've scored "the House" in which we sat
With ills that ills may germinate;
But don't behead the Queen for that,
And don't mankind exterminate.
Don't chop the Prince of Wales in bits,
And fling them in a parcel down;
Don't frighten England into fits
By pulling Dublin Carcel down;
Don't, in your might, on mischief bent-
Not though there be a score of you,-
Don't subjugate the Continent
We beg and we implore of you.

"The Savages at Home."
TOUCHING the Irish Land Question, a book is nowpublished
entitled Are the Landlords worth Preserving?" We think
they are, though it has not been jam for them lately, the state
they exist in being more like hot pickle at present. The
Irish Land Question is likely eventually to prove a very nasty
land for the seditious ruffians who have been guilty of such
fearful outrages, we mean when the buckshot and Martini-
Henry bullets come whistling round their ears in answer to
the seditious murderous way they have of putting the question.

De-rivet-ive !
BY what is it that the Chinamaniac's attention is so frequently
"riveted" on a piece of badly cracked and mended china ?
-By the "rivets," of course !

ZLady (in the fashionable Cloak).-" How EVER AM I TO REACH THAT

THERE'S so much MIss-TERRY in your Laureate's Cup,"
That it requires, one fancies, clearing up,
Unless you really mean the play to be
Not "Cup" alone, but "Cup" and "sorcer-y."
IN hopes of keeping you for years with us,
We're all Conservatives Nay, 't is no story,
But simple fact ; for we will prove it thus:
Our very land itself's a Terry-tory!"
"MAIDEN of the sallow brow,
Listen whilst my love I vow !
By thy kisses which consume ;
By thy spikenard-like perfume ;
By thy hollow, parboiled eyes ;
By thy heart-devouring sighs ;
By thy sodden, pasty cheek ;
By thy poses, from the Greek ;

By thy zither's twangy strings;
By thy dress of stewed-sage green ;
By thy idiotic mien ;-
By these signs, Oesthete mine,
Thou shalt be my Valentine !"
WE see it all, LORD RANDOLPH, since that night
When you were newly named by JACOB BRIGHT ;
Member for Woodcock" now, of course you claim
Your right to nightly have your little "game."

I SEND thee a lily, my own bitter-sweet,
On which I have lunched for a week;
And pray thee, the joy of its lot to complete,
Thy sustenance from it to seek.
Oh, gaze at it, lond one, at six every day,
Until it has taken thy hunger away.
And as off the lily I've lunched on you dine,
Its essence shall make you my own Valentine.

O PLUMBER! when our cisterns freeze
Uncertain, gruff, and given to tease;
When bursting pipes no rest allow
A most expensive guest art thou !

MAY a smile never dwell on thy lips, love, again :
May thy heart be the seat of a sharp ceaseless pain;
May thy tear-wearied eyes, thy soul's anguish Treflect,
And a merciless fate thy fond heart vivisect;
May thy cheeks become hollow, and sunken, and white;
May thy tears sting like serpents, thy kisses all bite ;
May you dress in old stuffs, have a foot out of shape,
And do nothing else but play zithers and gape;
In short, may your maudlin excesses at last
Make you look like a ghost of an age long since past.
TIRED of their morbid tone and vapid features,
The critic cries, "Oh, hang these AEsthetia creatures "
But there's one painter whom aesthetic owns,
And him we would not "hang "-no, we'd BURNE-JONES !


66 FUN.


It was a good many years ago that the Railway-Director Demon said. in humble supplication, to the jaded City man :-"Please allow me to make a railway, and I
will wTirl you away to breathe fresh air at the seaside whenever you will." And the jaded one weakly consented.

It was some time after this that it occurred to the jaded one that he could not be always whirling away to the seaside, and that he could find plenty of fresh air on
his beautiful commons; but it was too late, for the Railway Demon was beginning to feel his feet.

e,-E_ -- .
.- ,

FEB. 16, 1881.


JFUJN .-FEB. 16, i88r.

/ N~




-- U .--EB. *, 8r.

FEB. 16, 1881.



I. MR. BLINKER and MR. SINKER, Candidates for Representation o0
Stairing- Whydawake, discovered.
MR. BLINKER. Sinker, my boy, I feel I 'm not up to it. I'm obliged
to bite my fingers to keep awake-
MR. SINKER (with an effort). Divide divide Come, Blinker, my
dear sir, up you get, sharp, and walk round your chair a dozen times.
There, that's done; and it really has woke me up a bit-'pomme wor'
-I-fee quirefresh-
MR. BLINKER. Hi! Sinker, old chap Don't snore, for goodness'
sake I Remember the constituents are just outside the door, and if they
have a suspicion that we-grrrrr !
MR. SINKER (with a desperate effort Di-vide!!
MR. BLINKER (starting wildly and glaring round). Hay? What?
Oh, dear you did startle me-I was just dreaming that-Di-vide !
MR. SINKER. Oh Eh? Yes, dear me I fancied it was burglars,
Upon my word, Blinker, old man, I can't get up and walk round any
more; I--
MR. BLINKER. Bear up-I can hear the constituents coming in to
see if we're standing it all right. (Rising.) I contend that this is a
measure of tyranny and oppression not to be paralleled in the an-(sinks
MR. SINKER (starting to his feet). I move the adjournment of the
deb-(sinks asleep).
MR. BLINKER (starting to his feet). Di-vide !
MR. SINKER (starting to his feet). Ad-journ !! !
[Both sink down exhausted, and snore hard.
CONSTITUENTS. A nice couple of candidates we've put forward. They
won't be much use to the borough. However, we must take 'em through
MR. OWLSWAYS and MR. KEEPITUP, opposition Candidates for
Representation of Stairint- Whydawake, discovered.
MR. OWLSWAYS. Let me see-getting on for three o'clock. It won't
be long before sunrise now. I 'm as fresh as a lark, of course; but then
this is only the tenth night of it. I move an amendment.
MR. KEEPITUP. I move the previous question !
MR. OWLSWAYS. It seems to me that the honourable Member for
MR. KEEPITUP. There, that 'll do. We don't seem to need that sort
of thing to keep us awake. Thanks to-eh ?
MR. OWLSWAYS. Yes, by Jove I I don't think we should have made
much of a job of it if it hadn't been for-eh? As for those two old
fogies on the other side, Blinker and Sinker, what can you expect ?-
Regular steady old boys; never been up later than ten o'clock in their
lives. Stand no chance at all, and wouldn't think for an instant of-
MR. KEEPITUP. Oh, no-regular conscientious sleepy old boys.
Perhaps the honourable Member with the red stockings leaves out of
his calculations the rather obvious fact-
MR. OWLSWAYS. Here here !
MR. OWLSAYS. 'Vide! videe Adjourn Shut up Order!
CONSTITUENTS. Capital Members they 'll make. Wide-awake as
larks. Stand it any number of nights. Hooray!
MR. TOPPICLE and MR. DISCUSSIT in their City train.
MR. TOPPICLE. Very decisive, the result of the Stairing-Whydawake
election, eh? Owlsways and Keepitup appear to have carried every-
thing before them. Ought to take a prominent position in the House ;
never even blinked or yawned for twenty consecutive nights.
MR. DISCUSSIT. No-they really appear to be wonderfully able men
MR. TOPPICLE. Well, it's not to be wondered at, as it appears from
report that they had gone through a prolonged course of billiards and
cards and three-in-the-morning convivials.
MR. DISCUSSIT. Ah, to be sure Nothing like three-in-the-morning
convivials for fitting a man for the Ministry.
Some weeks later. MR. TOPPICLE and MR. DISCUSSIT in their City
train again.
MR. TOPPICLE. Queer things this Stairing-Whydawake election com-
mission is bringing to light.
MR. DISCUSSIT. Yes, indeed. Just fancy how rotten the state of
things must be when Owlsways and Keepitup could succeed in bribing

the coffee-tavern keeper to supply strong black coffee through a tube
coming up through the floor and up the leg of their trousers and under
their waistcoats. No wonder they managed to keep awake. It seems
the tale about the three-in-the-morning convivial training was all sham.
M]R. TOPPICLE. The merest sham. The men were no more fit to sit
for the borough than-why, a friend of mine tells me he's seen Owls-
ways go off to bed at eleven p.m., time after time. Simple imposture.
Just listen to this bit :--"William Rasper, a barber, admitted having
supplied wet towels to the candidates on several occasions. He had not
tied any round their heads, but had told a man to do so. The man,
being called, confessed to having tied a wet towel round the head of
Mr. Keepitup, and concealed it beneath a wig. Mr. Keepitup had said
to him, Tie it tight, so that I can't shut my eyes.' He appeared to
have a difficulty in keeping them open. James Slighboots had seen
Mr.Owlsways yawn, and had received three half-crowns in consideration
of his not 'blabbing.' Joseph Sneeker, a carpenter, admitted having
made two little props to prop up Mr. Owlsway's eyelids: the props were
artfully made, and quite invisible. Samuel Underandid admitted having
been retained to go round with the candidates, canvassing, and stick
pins into them to keep them awake."
MR. DISCUSSIT. What a disgraceful state of things! Borough ought
to be disfranchised !

SCENE.-The wilds of West "Zomerzet." A RUSTIC HIND dis-
covered digging "tetties" in afield adjoining the high road. To him
(The question repeated, still no response.)
Ped. (angrily).-" THE DOLT MUST BE DEAF So IT'S NO USE
TO WASTE MY BREATH ON HIM." [He resumes his walk briskly.
Rustic (gazing after him some seconds).-" Hi YOU THEER !
HI "
Ped. (turning on his heel).-" WELL, WHAT IS IT?"
[ The Pedestrian left ualldng on his way moodily.

MR. PEPYS tells us in his Diary, under date 15th of February, 1661,
that he had the previous day sent his lady-love a pair of silk stockings
and garters for her valentine." We quote this as a warning, however,
not as an example. Any gallant of the day sending his betrothed such
a valentine as a silk stocking would probably put his own foot in it I
SHOULD there be an Easter Volunteer Review, even time will be turned
topsy-turvy, for the Alarch past will in that case be next Apnril




I 7 0 __________________________ _____________________ ___________________

uckh smaller Boy.-" DROP 'EM, AND CALL EE A THIEF, AFORE EE

Oi.L SCRUBY was a brute. He was mean and rich. He got up on
St. Valentine's morn meaner and richer than ever; and when he went
down to breakfast, his housekeeper brought him a letter. He opened
.it. It was a valentine,-a highly coloured portrait of the Saint, repre-
sented with a bladder issuing from his lips enclosing the words "0
you "-holding out an abnormally large screw made of tinsel.
1 "Yah!" snapped the old man, "that's my blackguard nephew's
doing. Miserable pauper!-wanted to borrow five pounds the other
day. Not if I know it. And he's sent this in revenge. I 11-" And
he was about to pitch it into the fire, when something in St. Valentine's
eye attracted his. It was a sort of "Beware" look ; and he hesitated.
Should he?-but with a plunge he threw it in the flames. It curled up
and then blazed, but as it slowly crumbled away the face of the Saint
assumed a most strange aspect. Scruby shuddered as he saw it, and
muttering something about the cold, returned to his meal. He couldn't
cat. Impelled by some irresistible fascination, he went back to the fire.
There was that terrible face still staring out from among the coals. He
tried to take his eyes off, but could not. At last, with a great effort, he
tore himself away, and started for the City. All the way that face haunted
him. He began to feel ill. Strange pains went screwing all about his
body. My rheumatics come back," he said ; but somehow he could
not help identifying it with the weird face in the fire.
Hullo !" said a voice, you're early, Scruby."
lie winced visibly.
"Seedy, eh ?"
lie shook his head.
"Why don't you speak, man, not screw your head like that?"
1 e shuddered.
"Seen the paper to-day, Scruby ?"
"No," he replied with a struggle. "Anything in it?"
"Oh, the usual about the Land League. Set of unscrupulous-"

"I 'm going." And the wretched being went off without saying
"good bye." He'd walk. He could not stand chatter. Every sen-
tence appeared to contain a word which had the sound of "screw in
it, and the sound appeared to go through him like the article itself
would. He walked along, feeling very bad. He could not drive that
warning look from his mind. That face glared at him from the windows
of the shops and from the corners of the streets. "Second Teleeraprh!
Collision in Channel-screw steamer run down! was being shouted in
Fleet Street. Hurrying along to escape from his torture, at last he
reached the Stock Exchange. As he entered, a pert clerk seeing him
cried, Hullo, S., how bad you look Screwed last night, eh ? "
He was perfectly dazed. He tried to transact some business, and,
controlling his voice, asked for a pencil to note down the price of
" Scarawags." The moment he touched it he dropped it as though it
burnt him : it was a silver screw. He rushed from "the House." At
the door some one stopped him.
"I say," said the waylayer, "you hold Great Guanos' largely. Sell.
There's a screw loose."
Scruby was gone. He stepped out into the street. Oh, those pains,
screwing into his very marrow! It must be rheumatism He 'd go and
see the doctor to-morrow. Oh, that avenging look! He would drown
it in a bottle. As he crawled slowly along another acquaintance over-
took him.
Ha, Scruby,"-(oh!)-"going my way?"
They came across a crowd. "Horse down, eh ? What a shame to
work a screw like that! "
"Yes," added a shoeblack, "and that's the screw-driver on 'is 'ed."
It was too much, and he flew as fast as his tottering legs would carry
him. He flung himself into a wine-shop. "Bottle Port," he gurgled.
The waiter brought it. The waiter had that face on him.
"Draw it, quick, man! gasped the sufferer.
Yessir, coming, sir. Can't find my corkscrew, sir."
With almost a scream he bounded away like a maniac. Presently he

FEB. 16, 1881.

BORN DEc. 4, 1795; DIED AT 8 A.M., FEB. 5, i88i.

CARLVrLE is gone His day of life is done;
A pilgrim, long he toiled upon the way;
And many a noble triumph he has won
With well-earned honour, in his busy day.
The life he lived was all heroic,-grand
The badge he wore upon his honest breast,
Was "Truth; his motto, Whatsoe'er your hand
Shall find to do, go do it with your best."
By him life's battle has been bravely fought;
"When shall we look upon his like again ?"
The "old man eloquent" in mighty thought,
A hero was he among mighty men.
If some few tares fell mixing with the seed
He scattered far and wide upon the field,
See what a harvest for our highest need
His sowing to the whole wide world shall yield.
He sympathized with sorrow, and with joy,
That fell upon his toiling fellow-men;
Hie held up every sham and base alloy
To bitter scorn, and keenly would he scan
The charlatan in his base hardihood,
And hotly scourged him with the chastening rod;
He held, that man nor nation could be good
That did not recognize the hand of God.
In cold mid-winter, when the sky was dark,
The dull grey morning light had just begun,
The brave heart ceased to beat, and-hark!
HIis day of life in this grim world was done.
A life well spent, and now has come the close;
The pulse has ceased, and without sigh or moan
He gently sinks into his last repose;-
The world seems darker now that he has gone.
Let us give honour to the mighty dead,-
And he was mighty in his working day;
Among his kindred is his lowly bed,
His world-wide fame can never pass away.
The work a great man does will never die,
But spread his well-won fame through every clime;
And CARLYLE'S fame will brightly live for aye,
A beacon in the annals of his time.


FEB. 16, 1881.


stopped. He could not go another step. He would go home. He
called a cab. The horse had that look. He was driven home, and paid
the man the fare. "Old screw !" growled the cabby. His fingers
ached so he could not unlock the door; there was no bell, and he dared
not knock, for that face held the knocker in its mouth. At last he got
in and crawled upstairs. How cold he felt!-and the fire! On the
hot coals still glowed the face In his rage and terror he raked the fire
out. Oh, those racking pains, that creeping numbness! He would
have the fire re-lighted; he would call the housekeeper. No, he dared
not-her name was Mrs. Carew.
He rocked to and fro. He would go to bed. Sleep, gentle sleep !
under the influence of an opiate, would lull his morbid faculties. He
took the draught, dragged off his clothes, and got between the sheets.
He tossed and turned, but he could not rest. No warmth seemed to
come to his racked frame. He buried his head in the pillow, but still
that vengeful face would appear. At length, fairly -worn out, he sank
into a troubled doze, and dreamed. He dreamed he was lying on the
rack, bound and helpless. Suddenly St. Valentine appeared with the
same awful look in his eyes. Mounting on his chest, the Saint seemed
to produce an enormous screw like the tinsel one, and placing the point
on the poor wretch's forehead, with a large screwdriver commenced
slowly to turn it. Gradually it pierced its way through. The pain was
maddening. Helpless, he could not move. He tried in vain to cry out.
And the screw went further and further. Oh, the awful agony! It is
nearing his brain. It touches- And with a terrific shriek he awoke.
"Lor, Mr. Scruby, what's the matter?"
"Get my cheque-book, Mrs. Carew-it's in that drawer. Write,
woman, quick !-' Pay John Scruby 650.' Let me sign it. There !
Get a cab, drive like mad-there's the address-and give him the
cheque-oh !-and perhaps I shall be better by the time you get back."
And he was.

To the Member for Cavan.
WHEN good St. Patrick swept the vermin out
From Erin's isle with such a wholesome vigour,
He little thought, as with a zeal devout
The biggest snakes he from their lairs did rout,
His native land would some day breed a "Biggar!"

O excellent an in-
M iss ( stitution as the
Royal General
i Theatrical Fund
;i7 o_ deserves every
Support and en-
h Im and I trust that
the morning
performance in
its aid, which
will take place
at Drury Lane
on Monday
week, will result
in substantial
h-n benefit thereto.
The co-opera-
tion of such per-
formers as
Messrs. Booth
and Irving,
Madame Mod-
jeska and Miss
Ellen Terry, is a guarantee of intrinsic merit.

Miss Sophie Young is now at the Lyceum, playing the part of Emilie
de l'Esparre in The Corsican Brothers, a circumstance which gives one
of those opportunities of seeing this lady act, of which there have been
lately Sophie-w.
On the S4th of March Miss Helen Barry will commence an engage-
ment at the Imperial Theatre, where she will appear in Led Astray,
Clancarty, &c., &c., both at afternoon and evening performances. To
those who require continuous amusement Miss Barry will evidently be
no Barryer.
I have seen it hinted somewhere that Madame Modjeska has a play by
Mr. Wills in reserve. Mr. Wills is much in demand with the ladies,
having written plays for Miss Wallis, Miss Heath, and others. I thought
ladies always had Wills of their own.

Mr. Robert Buchanan's Nine Days' Queen, with Miss Harriet Jay as

the heroine, took the place of La Fille de Tamnbour iajor at the Con-
naught on Monday. Shortly before the withdrawal of the latter piece,
Miss Jennie Lee, who sustained the part of Griolet, had to relinquish
the part through indisposition. It is an odd coincidence that the same
circumstance occurred at the Alhambra with Miss Fanny Leslie, who
orig-Jenny-Lee played the part. NESTOR.

SIR,-The repeated references to my sagacity which my unvarying
success as a tipster necessitates cannot but have an egotistical appear-
ance and wearisome effect, and it is with increasing diffidence that I call
attention to each successive triumph ; but so striking a fulfilment of
vaticination as that which has rewarded my tip to the Obstructives,
given on the 26th ult., cannot be passed over in silence. I said they
would be scratched if they persisted in matching themselves against their
superiors, and it was done. I said also that they had had sufficient
rope, and the time for "hanging" had arrived; and were they not
suspended the very next day? I should think they were-they are
so completely and cleanly snuffed out that scarcely a smell remains As
soon as these unruly animals were removed, the rowdy appearance of
the meeting utterly disappeared, and Mr. Gladstone's Resolutions (by
Emergency out of Boldness) had a walk over for the Maintenance of
Order Handicap. On Friday (the 4th), the Coercion Scurry (2nd heat)
came on, and continued in an orderly manner very refreshing after recent
events, till the following Wednesday, when Mr. Forster's representative
came in first in a sleepy trot. On the same day Mr. Speaker trotted out
his new lot for the Regulation Welter-they are a strong lot.
And now let me redeem my promise for Kempton Park Meeting, and
give you my
I should say that Paul's Cray ought to do it;
Charles the First, with a burst, may get through it;
There's a chance, I 'd advance, for Harbinger,
Which Lord Clive, if he strive, yet may injure;
Then, you see, Pistol, he may attack us;
But I '11 bet all I get upon Bacchus.
Mr. Douglas's nomination is good for the Waterloo Cup, but then
there's Mr. Hink's-hm !-ha !-well-er-we shall see.
7he Cave, last Wednesday. Yours, &c., TROPIIONIUS.

WHAT with civil war in Ireland and uncivil war in South Africa (for
the latter is undeniably Boerish), we might have been thought to have
our hands full. Not at all: and so King Coffee Calcalli has kindly
obliged by declaring hostilities. Since he was last burnt out we have
managed to raise a good many Coffee Palaces, now we shall have to raze
one in Ashantee.
In reference to the festival of the Newsvendors' Benevolent and Pro-
vident Institution on March 4th at Willis's Rooms, it is stated that Mr.
Edmund Yates will take the chair, but there is no information as to where
he will take it.
Another peer has sought protection in the Bankruptcy Court. The
Earl of Hardwicke has presented his petition. Times have apeerantly
changed, for it used to be said the upper ten were no good at composition,
but now they seem to manage it with credit.
Bachelors will be glad to learn that a new and simple mode of putting
on buttons has been invented, by which sewing has been dispensed with.
As this has been the chief reason for bachelors getting married, we fear
the chance of the spinster of the future will be somewhat sew sew.
Comic portrait valentines are the latest novelties this year, and are
obtained by sending the artist a cartc-de-visite of the individual you wish
portrayed, and giving him carte blanche in the matter of caricature. We
expect these will be a great success, at any rate they are bound to sell.
Jewelled valentines are also advertised, the prices ranging from
ios. 6d. to 1r,ooo. A few of the latter, if accompanied by a suitable
address, would be received by the Editor. The suitable address is
153 Fleet Street.

Cool and Fragrant to the End.
WHEN young ladies leave off putting pins about their waistbands,
with the points carefully sticking out, to scratch fellows' wrists, there
will be more marriages; there would also be considerably more domestic
felicity after marriage if that somewhat unnecessary excrescence called a
husband would smoke good tobacco instead of bad. Messrs. Morris
and Sons' Compressed Cigarettes are the sweetest we have smoked for
some time, and we can recommend them to all our patients.

WHERE'S THE CAT ?-Civet is not so much a scent as a "purr"-fumne.





FEB. 16, 1881.


a ~e~' \ ~
~; l\

Jones (to Smnith, who has just missed a rahbit with both barrds).-" SMITH, YOU ARE A BENEFACTOR TO SPORTSMEN, FOR YOU EVIDENTLY

A Thousand Quids pro Quo?
THE recent banquet to Mr. Morgan Howard at the Crystal Palace is
called by a contemporary "The Conservative Consolation Banquet."
In sporting circles it would be called the Consolation Stakes, but at the
meeting in question there would be no such things as steaks, for the affair
was evidently first chot, they having presented the defeated Q.C. with a
thousand guineas. This certainly will be some (a nice sum) consolation,
and ought to incite Mr. Howard to yet further Golden Deeds.
ATTooI C. MULBEK, the Hindoo law student who distinguished
himself when drunk by breaking two panes of glass, must be rather a
curiosity. We suppose he thought because he had "a glass too much"
that the two tradesmen had also. Attool events, from the size of the
windows it is clear he went to great panes in the matter.

All for Her.
JOHANNA NOONAN, brought into the Marylebone Police Court by three
policemen, was apparently unconscious, and was ordered by Mr. Cooke
to be removed to the infirmary, as being in a fit was not a fit state to be
brought before him. Later in the day she was brought back, proved to
have been shamming, and sentenced to a month. She certainly gave
plenty of trouble; three policemen to take her to the station, and then a
doctor to bring her to.

A Curious Coincidence.
EARLY on Wednesday morning, the 2nd inst., when "Milbank" was
observed going to Biggar in the House of Commons, a Home Rule
Member, well-known for his loquacity, murmured "Absit omen!"
But the episode was distinctly of bad omen, for within thirty-six hours
Michael Davitt went to Millbank.
A Cutting Com.
A LECTURE was given at the Cutlers' Company on "The Properties
of SteeL" The subject seems inexhaustible. There are no properties
however small or insignificant that some people will not steal.
A Tyney Notion.
THE good Saint Valentine being a bishop, of course had his-diocese..
In other words, his Valen-" Tyne led to a "see" in his days, just as
the Newcastle "Tyne leads to the sea in our own.
IT seems that the treasury-office of the Irish Land League is now per-
manently settled in Paris. There are a good many people who wish
that the calculations of the Leaguers were, like their funds, all abroad.
Take your Affi-Davitt of that.
LET us hope the frail "craft of revolution will be swamped in the
very act of getting afloat now that it is minus one of its "Davitt&."

SCR he addonburv of

Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietor ) at 753 Freet Street, EC-London, february x6, ,881.
P dinkd by Dakziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N AV., and Published (r'or the Proprietors) at 153 Fleet Street, E X. .-L~ondon, F~ebruary 16, i88i.

FEB. 23, i88i.

FUN. 73


ANXIOUS to take part, Sir, in this new movement for the Propaga-
tion of Dados amongst the poor, I went to the head office of the Kyrle
Society last week and offered myself as a member. The official in
charge, without saying a word, went to a seventeenth-century cupboard
of carved oak, and taking out what seemed to me a very ugly-looking
Oriental tea-pot of blue china, set it down before me with evident reve-
rence, watching me closely the while.
My experience at the Grosvenor had not been useless, and at the sight
of the piece of cracked crockeryware I at once assumed an expression
of ecstatic rapture, with my head posed at the regulation angle.
"Ah!" exclaimed the official, with marked approval, "you recognize
the ineffable beauty of this rare old blue, I see, and doubtless know you
are in the presence of a tea-pot unique in its dilapidated glory; a tea-
pot found, in fact, in the reign of the far-famed Yung-tee Foo, in the
dynasty Turn ? "
Thinking it the safest thing to do, I turned up my eyes to the greatest
possible extent, and nodded in silence.
And can you tell me what your feelings are in its presence ? con-
tinued my examiner.
"Nay," I returned, with ardour, "they are quite too intensely utter
for vulgar speech !"
That settled the matter, Sir. I could not have said anything more
likely to show my fitness, and in a very few minutes, having made the
prescribed declaration of membership, holding a peacock's feather in
one hand, and placing the other on a copy of Alfred de Musset's Poems,
bound in tree-calf, I was a duly registered member of the Kyrle.
And now," said the official, who had dealt with me so far, "if you
are anxious to commence your labours of love, I can give you congenial
work forthwith. A band of earnest spirits starts for Bethnal Green in
ten minutes, bent on distributing free admissions to Mr. Whistler's
Venice Pastels amongst the more intense of the deserving poor."
"I would prefer something I could do a little later," I answered.

VOL. XXXII.-NO. 824.

"Then start at two," was the reply. "The Shoreditch Sub-com-
mittee meets at one o'clock, and an hour later will leave here to hang the
walls of three miserable tenements in Gridiron Court with high art
paper-hanging-Morris's designs."
"Is there nothing going on this evening?" I asked, not fancying
getting myself all over paste.
"There is much!" answered the official. "We are especially active
to-night. A Dado mission leaves here at seven to visit Rotherhithe for
the first time. A second contingent of earnest brethren will take out
our piano-organ and play Chopin and Schubert in the slums of West-
minster; and it is to-night also that a sack of lily-bulbs, presented by
an aesthetic horticulturist to the Society, are to be planted on the
window-sills of the most destitute inhabitants of the Seven Dials."
I finally closed with that lily-bulb project, and punctually at 7.30
the same evening set out with six other members of the Kyrle, and
the sack of roots on a high art, medieval kind of truck. I had not ex-
pected a very favourable reception ; but the rudeness of the people on
whom we called, when they found we were not "coals," as suggested
by the sack, nor even soup-tickets nor blankets, was really most painful.
In vain our leader, who carried a long lily, waved it gracefully, as he
explained that we had come to cause flowers of similar beauty to bloom
upon the sill. In the majority of cases the proffered bulbs were refused
with contumely, and when taken, were, as a rule, shied viciously back at
us as we descended the stairs. Only one woman received us at all
gratefully, and gladly allowed ten bulbs to be planted in old boots, hats,
soap-boxes, &c., filled with earth; and she, as we found later, must have
stolen our leader's watch.
I am beginning already, in fact, to think the Kyrle is a mistake !

Gone to the Dogs.
WHERE should the followers of Parnell and Davitt go now that their
organization has been so rudely disturbed ?-To Newfoundland, where
they might found new land leagues.


FEB. 23, 188i.

-I enterprise at the
Gaiety, to judge
from the aspect
,,., I 1 j\ of the house on
1" the occasion of
my last visit, is
I" I' growing in popu-
Slarity, as a good
S thing generally
SdoesI a ; for the
.- B.P., with all its
SI e I t faults, appreci-
n t' g rates a good thing
ris muc i too ardand heartily
-.. 't"backs it up"
when found.
These revivals
are very well
Sor worthy all the
popularity that
may be accorded
o (them.

The Croaker of Mr. Brought is excellent--it would be so easy to over-
act the character; and Mr. Everill is better than I have seen him for a
long time: he seems to quite enjoy the part, and plays it to perfection ;
in fact, the whole cast is good. Mr. Barnes, as Honeywood, however,
is much too hard and unsympathetic, conspicuously so in the crucial
scenes connected with his yielding Miss Richland to Lofty and pleading
his rival's cause. He seems almost indifferent, and quite ready to give
the lady up-a lady in such a charming hat, too !
A slight touch of emotion to express his own feelings, and a little
more stress laid upon the fact that it is his belief that the lady will be
happier with his rival which induces him to forego his chance, would
give Honeywood a strong point in what I admit to be a strained posi-
tion (but Goldsmith was, of course, carrying out his idea to the full) ;
Mr. Barnes would then have escaped the severe criticism of a gentleman
in my vicinity, who observed, "the man's not good-natured, he's a
muff! "
The excellence of Miss Litton's acting is now such an established
fact, that we look for a treat in every new character she undertakes.
We certainly are not disappointed in this case; Miss Richland is a
tender and gracious lady, though dignified or occasion, and conclusively
proves that those wonderful eighteenth-century hats were not unbecom-
ing. It is another added to her rapidly increasing gallery of stage
pictures-pictures that will be remembered.
In changing the motif of Le Marti t la Cwampagne, from the cant of
religion to the cant of "'estheticism," in his translation The Colonel,
Mr. Burnand has rather weak-
ened the basis of the story. A
man may conceivably succumb
to a "'religious" tyranny (it is
Difficult to oppose it without
getting into a false position); but
-., iiif "aesthetics "-no chance of a
',i false position there, except for
the '" esthetes "-their positions
are mostly false.

~, I In spite of the above-noted
ij weakness, though, and in spite
-i of the thorough familiarity of
most people with The Serious
''' "Family (with the story of which
i The Colonel is, of course, identi-
r /, i cal), Mr. Burnand's piece is
,__ ._ 'a3 'I thoroughly amusing and in-
l teresting from beginning to
"- end ; in the dialogue the author
is at his brightest and- what
a capital actor Mr. Coghlan is !
"-- --- Indeed, (with one exception) the
whole company is of the first
order, and thoroughly enter into the spirit of the thing.

By the way, surely Mr. Burnand should acknowledge Mr. Du Maurier
as co-author of the piece. Nearly, if not quite, all the latter's aesthetic
jokes in Punch are incorporated; from the "intense one of the early
days of the subject to the latest anent "exist "ing-not forgetting the

tea-pot that was to be "lived up to." Even Basil Giorgione was a
chemist before he took to "art," like Mr. Du Maurier's Pilcox.

OMichael Strogof, adapted by Mr. Byron, will appear at the Adelphi
on the 7th prox., or else michaelculations are all out.

It is understood that Mr. Hollingshead will have the direction of the
Lyceum in his hands from August to December next, when he will pro-
duce the late Lord Lytton's posthumous play The Captives; clearly The
Captives cannot fail to be a take.

Whillington will be the next three-act "Burlesque Drama" at the.
Gaiety : it will be produced in the autumn and be from the pen of Mr.
Burnand. Mr. Burnand seems to have some very fine animals in that
pen of his.
The Globe management contemplate producing a comic opera by
Supp6, entitled Boccacio; without being Supp6-cilious, I may hint, I
presume, that Boccacio may well come after the Deck-hammerin' of La
Belle Normande.
Mr. Irving will in all probability produce Coriolanus, with its elabo-
rate scenery, costumes, and etceteras, from designs by Mr. Alma-
Tadema, R.A., in December next, so what further need is there for
decemberling in the matter ? NESTOR.

SIR,-Just off to the Battle of Waterloo-only time for a line or two.
Things have calmed down considerably at Westminster, calmed down
almost to its level of dullness. Nothing of any interest has been going
forward, in fact, except that Mr. Forster's severely tried Bill (for the
Coercion), previous to going in for the third and final heat, has been
having some heavy hurdle practice-in fict, when my parcel left, it was
still engaged upon the long flight set up for it by various Members, with
every prospect of continuing for the rest of the week, and even after. On
Thursday (the loth), Mr. Pugh's hurdle (they call them "amendments"
there) was negotiated ; on Friday, Mr. Thompson's, Mr. Dillwyn's and
others were disposed of; on Monday a number of Irish hurdles were
got over, and the game continued up to Thursday, when the animal was
still doggedly taking the hurdles (of which there was still a long flight)
in a jog-trot sort of style, showing as yet no marks of the fray whatever.
And now, as I said, I 'm off to the Battle of Waterloo, which is not a
sanguineous conflict nor a public house; but a coursing match in Lanca-
shire, where the only guns used are Alt-carbines and we only let slip the
dogs of-training. Yours, etc. TROPHONIUS..
P. S.-On the spot, good deal of coursing and swearing. To be in form,
pleas send the proofs of my "copy in slip-leash said soonest mended.
__________________ T.

THE new rules for the conduct of debate in the House of Commons
seem, for the present at least, to have considerably suppressed the Irish
Obstructionists. But we understand that they intend striking yet another
blow for the liberty of what they call "fair discussion ; and it is
rumoured that, as soon as the current urgent business shall have been
disposed of, the following resolutions will be submitted to the House by
Mr. Parnell, or his deputy-lieutenant for the time being :-
That all Motions for the Adjournment of the House shall take pre-
cedence of the Orders of the Day.
That no Division shall be taken on a Motion for the Adjournment of
the Debate until every Member, who may so desire, shall have spoken
That any English or Scotch Member who shall call an Irish Member
to order shall be at once suspended for the remainder of the sitting.
That any Minister who refuses to answer the question of any honour-
able Member shall be named to the House by the Speaker; and, upon
the third repetition of the offence, shall be called upon to resign his seat
in the House.-
That when any Irish Member ish Member rises in his place to address the House,
the Speaker shall, if standing, immediately sit down.
That whenever the Speaker shall charge an honourable Member with
irrelevancy, or with travelling beyond the limits of the question, he shall
submit to be smitten on the head with the mace by one of the junior
That Mr. Speaker do be summoned to appear at the bar of the House
to apologize for his recent outrageous conduct towards the representa-
tives of the Irish nation.

MADAME LINA (from Geneva), who is making strenuous efforts to
establish watchmaking as women's work in London, needs a line of
encouragement ; we give her a Lina (Geneve-viva).

FEl. 23, i88i.


GENTLEMEN, oblige me, do, I
With your very best attention;
I have got a thing or two
That I rather wish to mention.
If the facts I place before you
Strike you as a trifle slow,
Do not grumble that I bore you,-
Other people bore, you know.
Cynics look upon me sadly,
Say I 'm seedily arrayed,
That my coats all fit me badly,
And my hats are ready-made,
Say my gloves are twenty-sevens,"
That my tie's a perfect rag,
While my trousers- gracious Heavens !
Other people's trousers bag.
Hypercritical relations
Go about asserting flat
That my liberal potations
Make me grow a trifle fat.
If my cheeks are getting bloated,
And my waistcoat's been let out,
And my shape- well, there, I 've noted
Other people getting stout.
People say that I am never
Decently supplied with cash,
And, unless I 'm very clever,
I must some day go to smash.
Still I 'm not a bit disgusted,-
Rather happy, truth to tell ;
Don't I know that if I 'm "busted,"
Other people "bust as well ?
Though I 'm hardly to be pitied,
Though I 've wasted all my time,
And have probably committed
Every sort of social crime,
When I 'm told I've acted queerly,
And deserve a wicked name,
I can always say sincerely,
Other people do the same.
SIR RICHARD SUTTON has agreed to hunt the Craven to aligh
country for three years. All we can say is it must indeed be Hau
a craven country to allow itself to be hunted. Broz

IT is said that, when the snow was lying thick upon the ground, many
of the Hansom cabs which plied about the streets of London with two
horses harnessed tandem fashion were driven by gentlemen of high
social status, the genuine Jehus having been induced-for a considera-
tion, of course-to remain quietly smoking their pipes in the Shelters.
Now, if Hansoms can be "tooled" by gentlemanly "whips" in the
snow, why should not the practice be continued in finer weather? The
civilizing example of a few aristocratic fellow-drivers might have a
wonderful effect upon the rank and file; until a scene such as the fol-
lowing, between a London Cabby and his Fare, "up from the country,"
might prove rather less the exception than the rule :-
PASSENGER. What's the fare ?
CABMAN. Indeed, sir, I would rather not name any sum.
PASSENGER. Well, how far have you driven me ? About three miles,
isn't it?
CABMAN. Oh, dear no, sir-it's well under two.
PASSENGER. At a shilling a mile, eh ?
CABMAN. Pardon me, my dear sir, you may drive two whole miles
for a single shilling.
PASSENGER. Then this journey's only one shilling. You shall have
an extra sixpence-there, that makes it eighteenpence.
CABMAN. You are too generous, sir.
PASSENGER. Not at all-take it. You've earned it fairly by your
CABIMAN. Please excuse me, sir, .1I couldn't think of accepting so
trifling a sum; I feel fully rewarded through having had the honour of
assisting you.
PASSENGER. But surely-the money-
CABMAN. Pray don't mention it; do me the favour to drop it in the
poor-box on Sunday. I bid you a very good day, sir. (Takes off his
hat to Passenger, and drives away.)

Friend Brown (who has just opened the carriage door for the Young Lady
't).-"I BEG PARDON?"
ghty Beauty.-" I DIDN'T SPEAK."

Vain Regrets.
How cruel it should come to pass,
WTe meet as thus we do-
Now I am fifty-six, alas,
SAnd you are fifty-two!
Too fast the rapid years have run.
Reflect, what might have been
If I were only twenty-one,
And you but seventeen!
^ The traitor Time, with fell intent,
rfZ liHas marked us on his way;
We both have grown a little bent,
And both a little gray.
Ah me! the damage he has done,
The changes we have seen,
Since I was only twenty-one,
And you but seventeen!
Ah, lady fair, we should have met
\ When life was in the spring.
-. The autumn, let us not forget,
Is quite another thing.
We both draw near the setting sun;
S Though both were fresh and green
When I was only twenty-one,
And you but seventeen!

From the Nursery.
A MAMMA asks why her infant son when he is laid in his little bed is
like one experiencing the vengeance of the Land League? and adds:
because he is Boy-cotted.


76 FUNS. FEB. 23, iss,.

4_ :-I
i 'i~ '" "iE""
LL ... ,,

They'd got pore Ned agen, an' took away his ticket.

And 'ee adn't bin a-doing nothing this time-on'y "organizing.' Then Joe, happening to read a paper, was struck with a happy thought;

And headed a deputation. "The Home Secretary's compliments, and he regrets that he does not see his way to make Mr. Ned a First-Class Misdemeanant, as he
has a ticket for the wrong class," said the footman.

FUTN.-FEB. 23, i88i.



IRl I -k

FEB. 23, 1881.


I. /, --.1t THE
t-* / OF


HE seek-no-fur-
ther face of love.
The perfect form
of fawn like
Ii springfulness,
An heAnd rich as a bo-
nanza just un-

7 Catherine Van
x Peyster, of Fifth
d w- She lived a year
Iin Europe-but
r I a for aye
In all the hearts
of all who met
her there;
And then her pa allowed her boundless cash,
Which she laid out in glorious works of art,
Such as the dream-like dresses made by Worth,
And heavenly hats by Virot, and all things
Refined, aesthetic, swell, and classical;
Yea, even a picture-she bought everything.
'T is true it was a picture of herself,
And when she ordered it she simply said,
I know that I am very beautiful,
My mirror tells me that-distinctively;
But I am also very clever too,
For I am of a clever family,
Papa and sisters all are awful smart; ;
Now you must make it somehow sparkle out
In what you paint. And as for me, I guess
I '11 show you how to fix it-wait a bit.
Ain't there a saint they call Saint Catherine ?
One of my beaux, I think, once called me that."
"'Si, llustrissima," the artist said,
"Dere is a Santa Catarina, who
Is beautiful most of the oder sants,
Vitch giusto suit so lovely mad as you !
"And she do always hold opon a vheel."
I see cried Miss Van Peyster-"just the thing !e
The wheel of Fortune-and the loveliest saint
That's me exactly! What a perfect fit "
.And so 't was painted, and the painted pasr,
Saint Catherine and Miss Catherine, went across
Unto New York; and many people came
To call and worship-or to make believe.
And with the rest came Mr. Anthony,
A Wall Street broker, and a mighty man,
Who did not think small brewing of himself,
Albeit his studies had been very small,
And very few i' the heap. His face and form
Were greasiness and grossness well combined,
With sneeriness and nearness in the eyes;
He seemed a kind of coarsest Capuchin.
And much he did admire the quaint conceit
Of being taken as a holy saint,
And said, "I 'd like to try that thing myself.
How could a feller fix it Catherine ?"
"Easy enough," replied the Beautiful:
"You 've only got to send your photograph
Out to my man in Florence, and to say,
Vans peignez moi comme le Saint Antony.'
I6sissima verbal of a fair Philadelphian.

I '11 write it for you if you have a card,
"And he will fix it for you come it fou."
That very hour the Wall Street shaver wrote,
And sent the order for his portraiture.
And in due time 't was done-and further on
'T was in the Custom House-and thence 'twas sent
To the Spring Exhibition in New York,
There was no time to send it to the House."
And Anthony himself beheld it not
Till it had hung a week upon the walls,"
And all the newspapers had served it up,
And all the world had merry made withal.
Yea, he was in it-clad in dirty rags,
A vile abomination. In his hand
A monstrous rosary. The Sunday Press
Said 't was a rope of onions, meant to feed
The monstrous hog which filled the canvas up,
So vast in its proportions that it seemed
As Anthony were waiting on the hog,
And not the hog upon Saint Anthony.
In it and in for it. Just as the Saint
Of Padua is painted, with his pig,
Only a little more so. And thus ends
The tale of the great hog and Anthony.

Who Speaks First?
"LADY has some elegant Diamonds and other Jewellery, rich Firs,
fitted Dressing Bag, Plate, and Laces to dispose of." The above adver-
tisement, from a daily journal, presents curious points for consideration.
The allusion to the richness of the Firs is not quite plane, this species of
tree not being particularly distinguished either in its foliage or its timber
for that quality. Without commenting upon the curious (h)ash of articles
offered together for sale, we may remark that the fair advertiser is evi-
dently pin(e)ing for a deal. We trust that she is not reduced to the ne-
cessity through being up a tree ; and that those who may speculate in
the rick firs as a poplar class of investment, will not find themselves
(h)oaksed. At the last moment we hear that if not disposed of by pri-
vate treaty, the property will be put up at auction, with a choice assort-
ment of furniture, to be sold (w)holly without reserve.

I-I. walked beside her in the rain,
S \\His face grew dark with sorrow;
.\ \,, The maiden heard him thus coinm-
"Somefriendly gamp I'd borrow,
A cloak, a coat, a shawl to keep
This dreadful wet from soaking;
It makes the very goose-quills creep,
And wakes a bronchial croaking."
She said, For me pray take no
I can defy the weather,
In hat and ulster made of tweed,
For moor and fen and heather."
l ie said, You do not understand,
Or seem to be forgetting,
In all your waterproofing grand,
That I dislike a wetting !

A Card.
PROFESSOR RORTIrTOM, of Whitechapel and Billingsgate, begs to
inform Members of Parliament, Home Rulers, Irish Agitators, and
others, that he has perfected a system by means of which a sound know-
ledge and fluent use of every description of slang, invective, and scurri-
lity, including the back patter, Romany, and other varieties of argot and
flowers of diction peculiar to his locality and society, may be acquired
in a few easy lessons in public or private. Terms moderate. Members
waited on at their own residences, or at the House, where Professor R.
hopes, by strict attention to business, soon to have a seat himself, when
hon. Members may depend upon it they will always find him on the job.

A DIATE"-IVE CASE.-The box in which dates are packed.


FEB. 23, 1881.

THIS morn the song-bird wooes his mate,
This morn I vowed I would woo mine,
And neathh her balcony I wait,
Ere yon faint stars have ceased to shine.
0O sweet Cecilia, lend thy lyre !
Its tend'rest chords her ears to greet;
N Oh, bring to me my heart's desire,
I~I My love, my life, my star, my sweet!


The Contemporary Review.-From the enduring influence of its
contents, may be viewed and re-viewed as "lasting literature," con-
sequently there is never anything of a temporary character to con.
The Day of Rest has a fine ballad, "King Christian," and all the
"rest" of it is good.
Macmdllan's has a memoir of that notable naturalist and genial
gentleman, the late Mr. Frank Buckland.
Tinsley's has a pleasing story, "An Idyll of the White Ranche."
Science Gossip.-At this fountain go sip, and hence sigh for more.
The Antiquary, the Universal Instructor, the Leisure lHour, Sunday
at Home, Boy's Own Paper, Girl's Own Paper, and Friendly Greetings
are all of their usual order of merit and merit their usual orders.
The Sporting Mirror among others has a portrait of the Champion
Sculler Hanlan, plain, not (s)culler'd.
Scribner's Monthly and vt. Nicholas are rich as usual in illustrations
and literary merit.
Le Follet is "all the fashion."
The Lette/r H.-A short and instructive treatise on the use and abuse
of this much misused letter. It is cure-ious that the cure of its ailments
is here attempted by A. Leach.
Church and Stage is a temperate treatment of a subject on which
many intemperate opinions are formed and expressed. Whether the
writer is right or wrong, his purpose is pure and rightly directed.
Dictionary of Blunaers and Handy Book of Synonyms are invaluable
little books for the constant use of blunderers, and there are few who
" don't make no mistakes."
Rejected Addresses.-A neat pocket edition of these masterpieces of
the humour and satire of bygone days is not to be rejected.
Whitaker's Almanac this year is so full of useful and well arranged
information that it shows the adroit compilers have certainly "got
the knack."
Larkins and the Drama, by "a Party by the name of Johnson."
"My son John" may be recommended to go in for "Larkins and
the Drama."

Young day hath kissed the blushing night,
Who, trembling, pales and steals away :
Oh, linger not, my heart's delight !
Awake, then truly 't will be day !
The jealous earth weeps dewdrops, while
Her loved sun tarries east, afar ;
Arise, and warm her with thy smile,
My life, my love, my sweet, my star I
At last the ling'ring morn star sets;
Earth laughs to see her loved sun rise,
He comes to wake the violets.
Sweetheart, unfold those in thine eyes.
Night's brief truce o'er, with flag unfurled,
And eager for the coining strife,
The world awakes. Awake, my world!
My sweet, my star, my love, my life !
Ah, me! Time halts with laggard feet,
Till longed-for happiness he brings,
When Zephyr's course is scarce more fleet:
Awake! awake! and lend him wings.
0 heart! what sudden radiance streams
Full from her balcony above ?
She comes! the world with gladness beams!
My star, my sweet, my life, my love!

In the High Courts.
You ask what is meant by Citation "?
'T is a summons that may cause vexation,
But it must be confessed
'T is invariably best
To obey it without hesitation.

A Fair Barbarian.-You will find it agreeable to make the acquaint-
ance of A Fair Barbarian, she is well worth knowing.
Bible Gems (a birthday text-book) is a gem in its way.-See context.

Only Natural.
THE National Sunday League is making earnest efforts, in and out of
Parliament, to have the new Natural History Museum at South Ken-
sington open on Sunday afternoons, that the working classes may have
an opportunity of witnessing the wonderful works of creation on the only
day they have to devote to rest and re-creation. The day the boon is
granted will be a bright one in our natural history, wonderful for its
having been too long delayed. -

The Uneducated Irish.
As education spreads in Ireland, we shall find common sense increase,
and less idiotic nonsense will be talked, by ignorant tenants, about
"Tenant Right." The tenant who cannot write is generally wrong in
his views, and the tenant who cannot read is liable to hang on to that
feeble though dirty reed, the seditious agitator, who laughs in his sleeve
as he pockets the hard-earned savings of poor uneducated excitable Pat.

Uniform Pride.
A STRONG agitation is on foot against the proposal of the War Office
authorities to abolish the regimental tartans in Highland regiments.
This goes far to prove that the old clannish spirit of the.Scotch soldiery
is not yet entirely "plaid out."

The Clutches of Equity.
VICE-CHANCELLOR MALINS has recently manifested a clear intention
to be down upon any of the money-lending fraternity wherever it may
be possible; but those gentlemen must not hastily conclude that, because
Sir Richard will be down on them, the hand which he lays on them will
therefore be soft and light.


S -- And they gathered all the harvest in without a single check,
S _- And they took it to the granary (the house upon the deck)
S- I And they brewed a lot of barley; and amid the tankard's foam
S:: With the greatest satisfaction did they hold a harvest home

OH, listen while I tell you of a captain of the sea,
As preposterous a party as a personage could be;
Exceedingly impractical, the fellow wasn't fit
For the place in which his destiny had put him-not a bit.
From a port that's known as Liverpool his vessel spread its wings,
And her valuable cargo was of grain and other things ;
But before he lifted anchor he had said this little say
To the owners of the vessel, in a candid sort of way :-
" It is only fair and honest, is my giving you the tip,
That I feel I 'm not intended for commanding of a ship ;
So while I 'm on the journey, should an opening arise,
Why, you mustn't be the victims of inordinate surprise
"If I change my occupation, and discard it for the sake
Of any other calling which presents itself to take."
But the owners only sceptically sniggered, saying, "Pooh !"
So he sailed to middle ocean, where he hove the vessel to.
Then slowly, but decidedly, he mentioned to his mate,
"This skippering's a livelihood I positively hate;
I should rather like to hit upon another one to try."
Said the officer, with joyful animation, "So should I."
So the skipper called together his invaluable crew,
And rehearsed the few remarks we have recorded all anew;
And the crew, with unanimity exceeding all belief,
Entirely coincided in opinion with the chief.
"That's delightful !" said the skipper, "this is positively prime I
Suppose we take to farming in this very pleasant clime? "
Said the mate, "Oh, how delightful!" said the sailors, To be sure "
So they hooked a lot of seaweed, to begin with, for manure ;
And they spread it on the deck until the latter but revealed
To the eye of the observer the appearance of a field ;
They dug it and they watered it with all their might and main,
And sowed it with the cargo (which, we mentioned, was of grain).
Then all along the quarter-deck the captain up and took
And planted nice potatoes from the galley of the cook ;
Each sailor had his garden on the fo'ksle, and of these
Some cultivated cabbages, and others early peas.
And the masts were much delighted when they came to understand
That the deck that lay beneath them was translated into land;
They fancied they were standing on their own and native hill;
And they rooted, and they budded, and they sprouted with a will.
And the skipper saw them sprouting, with a smile upon his lips,
And he grafted them with apples which he bred from little pips;
And the peaches on the bulwarks were the loveliest of sights;
While the melons found a forcing-house beneath the cabin-lights.
And the skipper whistled gaily (which he seldom had before)
While attending to the roses on his trellised cabin door;
And the honeysuckle wafted its perfumery in clouds ;
And to see the scarlet-runners that were climbing up the shrouds !
Said the admirable skipper, with excitement all aglow,
" Let us hold a Cottage Gardening and Vegetable Show I"
And the mate and all the sailors said, We heartily agree."
And they made, of sails and bunting, such a beautiful marquee.
And the coming of the autumn didn't take them unawares,
For the yards were nearly broken with the apples and the pears;
And, anon, upon a happy and commemorable morn
All the crew were called together for the cutting of the corn.


A skipper I 'm acquainted with-(a man who wouldn't tell
The slightest little story though you paid him very well)
Informed me that he spoke them but a little time ago,
And he never saw a colony that throve and flourished so.
I gathered all this fund of information at his hands,
And to him you are indebted for the story as it stands;
And the skipper I'm acquainted with-(who wouldn't tell a lie)
Was very much astonished at the matter. So am I.

PRINCESs's.-Lear. Mr. Booth's impersonation of the fond, fiery,
foolish old king, for its conception, colouring, and treatment, will bear
favourable comparison with any of the characters he has previously
portrayed. His treatment of the three "Princesses," his daughters,
and the results of their treatment of him, afford scope for the display
of his great abilities, and they are greatly displayed. Lear will be re-
membered as one of Edwin Booth's highest achievements.
ROYALTY.-Peggy, a new three-act drama, has been successfully
produced. A highly dramatic story with a tragic ending contrasts
strongly with the entertaining nonsense of the gorgeous extravaganza
at the same house, but Peggy is strong enough in constructive charac-
teristics and personal performances to stand the contrast. Author and
actors met with much applause, and Peggy will probably be a "peg"
to hang their hats upon for some time.
ADELPHI.--er World against a Lie. At a morning performance of
this piece the authoress, Miss Marryat, played a principal part, and
played it well. "Upon my wor(l)d its true" and "not a word of a lie."
SADLER'S WELLs.-Macbeth, with Miss Bateman's fine rendering of
Lady Macbeth, Warner and Vezin, alternately, as Macbeth and
Macduff, though neither of them are at their best in these characters,
no one will cry "hold enough."
CONNAUGHT. -Nine Days Queen and Onlyn Vagabond. Mr. Buchanan
has here fired double shots and both seem to have hit the mark-both are
strong enough to hold on by each other and have a good run together.
IMPERIAL.-The "Vokes" Family are here for twelve "farewell"
afternoon performances (commenced on the 21st inst.) in some of their
most popular pieces, before going to America. Friends must part. Go
and take "farewell" of these pleasant "Vokes."

One of the last Agrarian Crimes.
A HARDENED miscreant, one Myles Ambrose, aged ten years, has
been charged at the Newcastle Petty Sessions, Limerick, "with whist-
ling in a derisive way, and hereby intimidating" Mr. Hugh Murray Gunn,
J.P. For Myles to perch on a rail whistling at a great Gunn fur-long
was, to say the least, rood, and we wonder the Gunn did not explode
with anger and turn Myles into an acher by boxing his ears; but it
appears that Mr. Hugh Murray Gunn was so terribly intimidated, that
he thought it necessary to prosecute the naughty little Myles; but the
Gunn's charge failed, missed fire, in fact, for the Newcastle J.P.s were
more sensible than J.Pl'.s generally are, and discharged wicked Ambrose.
We sincerely trust that Mr. Hugh Murray Gunn was not really frightened
so much as is stated in the Irish journals, and that his nerves are not
permanently injured.

FEB. 23, i881.

FEB. 23, IS&I.

82 IFUN.


A "Cutting" Figu
To cut down the trunk of a tree an or
but suppose you wished to lop off the b
implement would be of little use. Un
be as well, indeed, to try a climb-axe
should be remembered, to bring thing
accomplish them.
Now that blustering bragging Peru',
bite has become absolutely harmless.
in fact, of the old saying relating to bul

re of Speech.
ordinary woodman's axe is used ;
ranches of a standing tree, that
der the circumstances, it might
!" For it is often effectual, it
s to a climax when you wish to

s last tooth has been drawn, its
She furnishes another example,
lies, for now her bark is cer-

1 .inly much more efficacious than her bite !

Blow it I
H.R.H. the Duke of Cambridge has just invented a new military
whistle. It would be interesting to us as British taxpayers could Mr.
Childers tell us exactly what we have paid for that whistle. Let us
hope, though, that whatever its price, it will enable our army to give a
"blow against which no enemy's fire can stand.
AMENITIES.-" I like your cheek," the epicure remarked to the pig.
"Let's have none of your jaw," retorted the latter.

One Shilling; by post, Is. 2d.
Uniform with the above,
Now Ready, price One Shilling. Post-free, Is. 21d.
A Book for Players, Playgoers, and the Public generally. By CHARLRS H. Ross.
With Eight Pages of Coloured Costumes. By ARCHIBALD CHASRAIORE. Fifty-six
Portraits of Actors, Actresses, Authors, and Critics. By ALFRED BRYAN. And
numerous other Pictures illustrative of life before and behind the curtain.
Round Table Books-One Shilling each. Post, Is. 2-d.
Their Cards, and -How they Played them.
A STANDARD SHILLING BOOK, the first of a series to be called Rouund Table Books.

DOME "E Cadbury
For Exoellenoe of For Cleanliness Cocoa thickens in
Quaty Gold MNedal ,the add t pones
Sold by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere. Starch. E S Ee r scritel a 1 f .p, r i I-i
E. JAMES X SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH. PURE!!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!! m.. 4Ssm, n g :,o ,a. ..St. ,..,.. ,.
Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.-London, February 23, 1881.



OH, I 'm dying the tale to record
In immortal and musical rhymes,
And my mind with the facts is well stored,
Though I 'm rather forgetful at times.
Well! It happened last year-that I know-
Or the year before that-in November-
Or in April-or June-let that go,
For the date I can't justly remember,-
That a poor wretched starving street lad-
Or a girl-thus the story begins-
Or it may have been both, for I 'm bad
In my head-but I think they were twins,
Were at home-or else out in the street-
Wait a bit I've not got it as yet-
Oh They chanced an old woman to meet,
Who exclaimed-what, I really forget.
But it doesn't much matter, for then
Came a huge Pickford's van dashing by,
But how it all happened, and when,
Or where they were standing, or why,
I can't say-for my brain's in a whirl,
And I don't recollect it at all-
But the woman-the boy-or the girl
Did-or said-what I cannot recall.
O'er the sequel I now draw the curtain,
But most wretched, I know, was their lot;
And I only remember for certain
That the details I've wholly forgot !
My false memory facts cannot hold,
'T is quite time I was laid on the shelf,
I forget all I've read, all I 'm told,
And I'll end by forgetting myself!

Very Shoe-cking.
IT has been recently asserted in New York that certain manufacturers
possess, and put in practice, the secret of making Jamaica rum out of
the worthless parts of old shoes. Everybody must sincerely hope that
this rumour, as well as the spirit in question, is above proof

Letteral Facts.
IT is nonsense for Mr. Labouchere to try to make out the action of
the Home Secretary in opening certain letters is contrary to law. He
is authorized to do so by statute; and besides, so far as the Land
Leaguers' letters are concerned, his action must necessarily be League-
al." In fact, the Government's motto just now has to be Fiat justitia
ruat un-"seal-em." In other words, "That justice may not be defied,
letters must be unsealed."

Cart Horses at Islington.
FOR once the "Cart" has been put before the "Horse" with a good
result, for we could not otherwise have had the excellent Cart-Horse
Show held last week at the Agricultural Hall.
Of all the splendid animals shown, the roans were the most tractable.
It was settled beyond doubt, indeed, during the show, that you can do
what you like with your roan By the way, some of the roans came
from the Antipodes. Why not say from Cart-Horsetralia ?
Further experiments settled conclusively that the strength of a cart-
horse does not lie in its hair, and that it is therefore absurd to talk of
one pulling with all its might and mane!
It was unfortunately not the Fourteenth Show last week, but only the
Third. We must, therefore, keep on hand for eleven long years the
quip which we intend to use for the heading to our account of the
Fourteenth Show. We cannot help telling our readers, though, what
the heading in question will be: "The 'Cart-Horse-ieme' (Quaforz-
iime, vous savez)

VOL. XXII.-NO. 825.

84 FUN. MARCH 2, 1881.

| the occupants
of private boxes
at the Lyceum
T possess the pri-
Svilege of having
a complete tea-i
"the snuggest
of snug kettle-
drums,"' to quote
a contemporary
-sent to them
from the saloon,
if they choose!
This is another
evidence, of
which the im-
portation of"na-
I II Itural" actinginto
the legitimate
drama was the
first, that Mr.
Irving is well
under the influ-
ence of the "tea-cup and saucer school."

The Sheffield Board of Guardians, with the want of originality charac.
teristic of bigotry, has imitated the conduct of their Sunderland brethren
to the letter; refusing, by the casting vote of their chairman, an invitation
for the pauper children to the pantomime. The sapient ones based their
objections on the fear that the children would imbibe a fatal taste for
dramatic fare, and in after life develop a desire to go to the theatre!!
For my part, the wise lesson is not lost upon me. I am carefully de-
priving all my young hopefuls of pocket-knives, lest as they grow older
they develop a desire to go to-Sheffield.

The dresses designed by Mr. Pilotell for Billee Taylor having given
evidence of considerable aBilleeT, and having been widely praised by
the public, that gentleman has been retained to perform the same office
for Messrs. Stephens and Soloman's new piece Claude Duval; from which
it is obvious that the powers concerned give public Claude Duval-ue.

I believe it is arranged by Mr. Walter Gooch to produce a piece, by-
and-by, by Mr. Richard Lee. If it is not a good piece when it comes,
I shall be Richard Lee disappointed.
Mr. Howe, at the conclusion of his engagement with Miss Litton, will
join the Lyceum company, which has been enlisting some strong recruits
lately. It is said that Mr. Howe 'Il probably remain in the company
until he closes his dramatic career; an event at which many a theatre-
goer will vent the Howe'll of misery. Howe'll long we desire the event
to be postponed I need not say.
The piece written for Madame Modjeska by Mr. W. G. Wills is entitled
_74anita. I presume Mr. Wills will endue his heroine with all necessary
attractions-he couldn't en Juanita representative.

The Stores, by Messrs. Augustus Harris and Edward Rose, and whimsi-
cally described as a "co-opera," will be the "curtain-raiser when The
World is reproduced at Drury Lane,-an event shortly to happen. The
music of this little piece is by Buccalossi, which should im-Buccallossity
itself with interest, while from the title we may expect a sufficiently taking
Store-y; at any rate, I am sure they won't have to Book-a-loss,-see?

Miss Bella Pateman and Mr. Leonard Boyne are appearing in Delilah,
which was revived on Monday at the Standard. If the story is considered
lacking in beauty or at all likely to fall flat (and I do not know that it
is, mind you) the lady is sure to em-Bellash it, while the gentleman is quite
capable of Boyne it up. NESTOR.

ACCORDING to a daily paper, "the revolver seems determined to keep
itself before the public eye." If this be really the case, the public, whose
eye is in such imminent danger, must consummately wish that the re-
volver would go off.

Exceptions to the Rule.
THE fractious section of the Irish M.P.s complain bitterly of the re-
strictions and rules lately multiplying upon them; the complaint is,
however, only natural from genial beings whose sole end and aim in life
is to be unrule-y.

HANOVER GALLERY.-Mr. Chas. Deschamps has gathered together
a charming collection of water-colour pictures, many of which are by
popular and favourite artists. Among the most notable examples are
L. Alma Tadema's "Tragedy of an Honest Wife;" Sir John Gilbert's
"Battle of Marston Moor." The landscapes by J. W. North and A. W.
Hunt are exquisite; E. Gregory's Artist's Holiday is quite worthy of
this gifted artist; the same may be said of E. F. Brewtnall's "The
Spring." There are some realistic studies of Lambeth Palace by T.
O'Connor; quaint Bird pictures, H. S. Marks; a humorous little bit,
"Experimental Philosophy," J. Burr; two grotesque old countrymen,
"Gossip," G. Boughton; J. D. Linton's repeat of "L'Emigr6s" is a
strong bit of colour; and Briton Rivibre's "Apollo" is a good example
of the master. Of works in black and white, R. C. Woodville's
" Sketches in Albania," and the original drawings for Punch by Tenniel,
Du Maurier, Keene, and Linley Sambourne, are special features of the
OLD BOND STREET GALLERIEs.-Messrs. Agnew have a fine col-
lection of water-colour drawings, many of them by deceased artists;
Turner, W. Hunt, Copley Fielding, Cattermole, Pyne, David Roberts,
Prout, David Cox, C. Stanfield, and F. Walker being all represented.
Among the living artists there are works by J. R. Herbert, R.A., E.
Duncan, F. Taylor, and Sir John Gilbert. H. S. Marks has some
repeats of Bird decorations; E. Ellis several powerful seascapes, and
Keeley Halswelle some fine river scenes. G. G. Kilburne's "Feeding
Ducks is a sweet little picture. Mr. Small has a powerful drawing,
" Frozen Out." There are also good works by A. Powell, Macwhirter,
and a number by that prolific master, Birket Foster. The most promi-
nent of the foreign pictures is The Scots Guards," by Detaille.
FINE ART SOCIETY, Bond Street.-At these rooms are being exhi-
bited a select collection of the works of J. E. Millais, many of which
may be considered as truly representative of the varied powers and bril-
liant abilities of this great master, at periods ranging over more than
thirty years. Had the collection been larger, the scope of his genius
would have been more displayed, but could scarcely have been more
surely demonstrated.

SIR,-The utter defeat of my prophecies both for the Waterloo Cup
and the Kempton Park event have filled me with a glow of satisfaction,
unhappily but little shared by my patrons. They complain of my making
no reference to the matter last week, and hint, with an amount of what
artists call breadth, that shame induced me to ignore it. Sir, they are
wholly in error. I can conscientiously assure them that I feel no shame
whatever on the point.* Nor do I admit that I am, as they further hint,
unfit for my post. I knew that Bacchus wouldn't win, and as soon as
I saw Princess Dagmar, I spotted her as the winner; but then it was,
alas too late : you had gone to press, and you wouldn't come back for
me, Sir, if it was ever so. So my patrons had to suffer (entirely by your
fault, you. observe), and I, acting on my late-acquired knowledge,
amply vindicated my prescience and caused the glow of self-satisfaction
aforesaid. As for not referring to the defeat in my last, why should
I harrow the feelings of my followers by probing an open wound ? Any
way, here's another tip, so let us say no more about it.
Great Valour must win in a hard-foughten fight
(Though some may consider his chance a bit blacker),
But Henery George I should fancy not quite
A Yielding of Henery turn to his backer.
The Belfry stands high-very high-from the field,
The deepness of War Paint, you scarcely can probe it,
But if you desire your good luck should be sealed,
Why, go and insure it by backing Post Obit.
The St. Stephen's meeting has been run pretty much on a dead level
this week. Mr. Forster's Bill continued hurdle practice up to Monday,
(21st), when one of the Stewards (Mr. Gladstone) intervened to induce a
cessation of the long torture to the animal, and, on Tuesday, the Report
stage was commenced.
There has also been a rattling match on the Lord's ground between
the Earl of Lytton's Defence and the Duke of Argyll s Statement, a
spirited and close encounter ; which won, indeed, being a matter of con-
siderable dispute, although the old man is of opinion that Statement
held the race all the way and won easily.
On Tuesday, over the same course, the Sunday Museum (Open) Stakes
was run, when Lord Shaftesbury's Three Evenings-a-Week beat Lord
Dunraven's Original Motion by a short neck. The latter animal im-
proves year by year and, I think, will eventually score a success.
Yours, etc., TROPHONIUS.
This we can quite believe.-En. FUN.


MARCH 2, i881.

RUB up your Ollendorf, my friend,
Polish your French, if you have any,
And Citywards your wise way wend,
Provided with a modest penny;
Some reading-rooms for that one dime
Let us survey mankind like Zeus ;
Call for the foreign sheets this time,
And sit and see how others see us.
That novel by a statesman's hand,
That shook us like a revelation,
They call it in a neighboring land
A modiste's mawkish aberration.
They venture roundly to assert
That e'en coercion may not free us
From every mess, mishap, and hurt,-
The prints that paint as others see us.
The screaming jokes that shake our sides,
They cite as proofs of our poor humour;
Foibles appear our special prides;
Our beauty-spot they call a tumour;
Our virtue looks a shameful show
To people placed at the Pirmus,
And Bulgars vote our fast life slow :
Maybe we're muffs! as others see us.
That British pluck which scorneth knives,
As daily leaders tootle-tootle,
As shown by kicking British wives,
Strikes the coarse Kurd as rather brutal;
The liberty we rave about
In songs that might shame Melibceus,
'Twixt "running in" and "chucking out,"
Seems slavery-as others see us.
Those flimsy sheets, they find a place
To puncture in our best cuirasses,
And give us back our own dear face
Like third-rate hotel looking-glasses.
Of course they 're wrong, and we 're august,
As the Apollo called Smintheus;
But still, to feel we're human, just
See now and then how others see us.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?-Why, nothing, now that the Boers
have positively allowed our reinforcements to pass "Biggar's"-
berg without even an attempt at "obstruction "

Gallant Captain (stationed in Dublin).-" OF COURSE YOU ARE COMING
Saucy Daughter oJ Erin.-"OF COURSE WE ARE! BY COMMAND OF

HER MAJESTY'S.-Drawing-Room Entertainment of AMusic Hall Art.
Strange transformation to be seen-music hall into drawing-room, draw-
ing-room into Her Majesty's Theatre; plenty of "drawing room there,
if the music hall art can only ",draw." Subject to this condition, the
entertainment seems satisfactory to Her Majesty's subjects.
DRURY LANE.-Most of the pantomimes are off their nests, and the
"mimes have left off panting, but Mother Goose still sits at Drury Lane.
Don't fancy that a visit will be at all "Harris "-ing, but go soon or you
will Gus your chance. The performance, on Monday, for the benefit
of the Royal General Theatrical Fund, with such a splendidly balanced
fund of talent, should result in a handsome balance for the Fund.
GAIETY.-The Busy-Body has followed The Good-natured Man, just
what a Busy-Body would do, and an excellent good following it is: well
worth seeing how both actors and actresses generally, Miss Litton, Mr.
Brought, and Mr. Kyrle Bellew in particular, manage their busy-ness.
It should be everybody's business to see The Busy-Body (don't neglect
it), it is the best of these revivals yet. Miss Litton takes her benefit
on Thursday the 3rd inst., and there ends these delightful comedy
PARK.-The Power ofLove has been put on here, successfully (and is
well acted by Miss Amy Steinberg and others). "The Park is just
the place for putting on Thepoaer of Love with success.
CoURT.-After the successful run of Adrienne, Heartsease takes its
place, with Modjeska in the principal character. It is a HEartsease at all
times to pay Court to Modjeska.
PRINCE OF WALES'S.-The Colonel has now taken full command of
the rank and file, who march in companies to witness his manoeuvres
(the genuine and deserved applause show there are no Bah-tailey-uns).
You are In Honour Bound to go and see The Colonel.
SADLER'S WELLS has Hamlet, with Vezin as the Prince of Denmark.
Den-mark : it is for a few nights only, and it is Princely.

LYCEUM.-The Corsican Brothers has passed its 50oth night, and The
Cup its 5oth. Brothers, hand round the cup.
COVENT GARDEN.-Opera Season to begin on Easter Tuesday-a
hey-day in the holidays.

IT is said that the retention of Candahar is simply a matter of f s. d.
We believe there is such a thing as being penny wise and pound foolish.
If we occupy, it may cost a precious lot of money; but if we don't, it may
cost a lot of precious lives.
Mr. Bradlaugh objects to Perpetual Pensions, and so do we. Like
Claude Melnotte, we believe in ancestors when "they are the incentives
to exertion, not the title-deeds to sloth." We don't object to a Govern-
ment grant for literary men at all, but to be perpetually giving to Pen-
shunners,-oh dear, no.
The Hot Food Supply Association has commenced its operations,
and promises well. In neighborhoods like the Docks, these itinerant
purveyors of cooked food will be warmly welcomed with their superior
attractions. We are very pleased to be able to record that it is unques-
tionably a success, we might say a succis de steam.
On the 22nd of February a paragraph appeared in the papers headed
"The Corporation of the Sons of the Clergy." We have often noticed
similar announcements, and cannot understand why it is. To our
thinking, it is quite natural for a clergyman's son to have "' corporation,"
considering how much the clergy are given to good livings.
It is noted with surprise that, on Mr. Gladstone's recent visit to
Brighton, there was no demonstration of any kind, the people, appa-
rently, not recognizing him. This is suggestive in the extreme, for if
he is so altered that he is not known, he must be working too hard. We
hope he '11 take the hint, otherwise it will be merely nominal his title of
Prime Minister.

86 FUN. MARCH 2, s188s.

WHEN to breakfast of a day
I descend, with appetite,
Still I find her at her "play,"
Where I left her overnight;
At the horrid scale in C
In a dismal minor key,
Which she never, seems to me,
Can get right.
And she never seems to stop,
SAnd I shout, amid my wails,
"Will you never, never drop
Those interminable scales?"
But the pi-an-o's re-whackt,
21 segretto to extract,
For a dozen bars intact-
When she fails.
When my City work is clear,
And all weary home I come,
I immediately hear
That most melancholy strum.
And the author I decry
Of the Spider and the Fly,
Which she finishes up by
-For the villa I live in
Isn't what is called "detached,"
And the walls are very thin,
While the wainscotting is "matched;"
With the tongs, her awful "eight,"
On the wall I imitate,
And the paper's in a state-
It is scratched.
She has practisedd" ev'ry day
For some twenty hours, I know.
Since she first began to play,
Seven years ago, or so.
Though she's older now than then,
She can play no more than when
She began to play, seven
Years ago.
Oh, whatever shall I do
If the nuisance doesn't cease?
But it seems the rather to
(She's segrettoing) increase.
Of escape I see no mode,
For she'll never leave the road,
And I've taken my abode
On a lease!

Very Particular.
WHEN the Hot Food Street Supply Asso-
S ciation paraded their toothsome wares out-"
side the Mansion House, it is said that the
Lord Mayor inspected the novel contri-
vances, first from a window of the Drawing-
room, and afterwards more closely from his
THE WAY TO RETAIN HEALTH. carriage, he being then about to drive west-
THE WAY TO RETAIN HEALTH. ward to attend the Lev6e at St. James's
Young Lady.-" I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU LOOKING SO WELL, MRS. WICKENS. You NEVER Palace. We suppose that this distant be-
SEEM TO GET ANY OLDER." haviour on his lordship's part must have
Mfrs. Wickens.-" WELL, MISS, YOU SEE, I ALWAYS 'AVE 'ELD TEMPERANCE AS A BLESSIN' been due to a fear lest the steam from the

Artistic Plates. A Cook Tourist.
PAPER plates are the latest novelty at certain Berlin restaurants; every THE Duke of Norfolk's cook has gone over to Paris for the purpose of
"cut," even of bread and butter, being thus presented on "plate paper." challenging in single combat the most skilful among the culinary artists
Eggs are of course served on "cream-laid" plates, whilst cheese, to be of the French School of Cookery. We should think thejudges will find
fashionable, should be served on "straw." Black-bordered paper plates it rather difficult to decide, remembering that cooking is after all a matter
for customers in mourning, and "sugar-paper" plates for slices of tart, of taste; the difficulty of determining superiority follows as a matter of
are doubtless also in vogue. Advertisements might be printed on many course, or rather courses.
of these paper plates, we should think, especially those used for "puffs,"
and "hot-water" plates might be made of back numbers of the warmest I ARITHMETICAL DEFINITION OF 'iHE TRIUMVIRATE GOVERNMENT
of the partisan newspapers. OF "THE SOUTI AFRICAN REPUBLIC."-The Rule of Three.

F U 1NJ .-MARCH 2, i88i.




I FOLLOWED with de-
meanour sad,
Though very far from
The little that I knew was
Of him they called the
dear departed;"
l kBut those who say I smiled,
and jeer,
And call my conduct

the sneer:
What reason could I have
for smiling?
The way in which it all
When came the under-
/hetaker's agent
(Like some theatric ward-
robe man)
And decked us for the
dismal pageant,
The chartered mummeries
I saw,
For grief's effectual be-
Sf- d All filled me with respect-
ful awe;
What reason could I have for smiling ?
The band of crape about the hat,
Thence flowing down the spinal column,
The simple dignity of that
Impresses one as nobly solemn:
The kerchief's deeply touching shape,
As held by mourners outward filing;
The mournfully expressive cape :
What reason could I have for smiling?
The plumes that wave for one to-day,
And wave for some one else to-morrow,
Express in such a tender way
The pangs of an enduring sorrow;
The hireling mourners prove a grief
Too pure and true for earth defiling,
Their staves brass-tipped command belief;
What reason could I have for smiling?
Though small respect I may have had
For him they called "the dear departed,'
I "followed" with demeanour sad,
Though far enough from broken-hearted ;
But those who say I smiled, and sneer,
Are only vulgarly reviling.
He left me twenty thou, a year
What reason could I have for smiling?

A Hint to the Census Authorities.
"Y.Z." writes to us recommending that in counting the inhabitants
of the Isle of Man recourse should be had to the operations of algebra,
for, as he justly reminds us, their designation "Manx" ends in an un-
known quantity.

A Puzzle.
ON Chubb or Bramah we suspect
This seeming paradox
Must have a visible effect:
When, scared by Fenian shocks,
We wish our rifles to protect,
We straight remove the locks.

FROM THE DEsK.-What process in bookkeeping is exemplified
when young people throw sheeps' eyes at one another ?-Cross-casting.
IN view of the suspected "attitude" of the Fenians, it is proposed
to remove all the locks from the Thames, and the barrels from the
church organs and breweries within the metropolitan area.

CHANCING in the course of my Extra-Special rambles last week to
be passing soon after sunset through the main, and, in fact, the only
street of the city of Monaco, which, as you know, Sir, is the capital of
the ancient and far-famed principality of the same name, I quickly
found, from the agitated expressions of the inhabitants, who were
gathered to the number of at least six round the fountain in the public
Place, that something momentous was either happening or about to
True to my professional instincts, I promptly and fearlessly interviewed
an old lady with a flourishing beard, thinking a revolution might be
imminent, or that the inevitable Russian prince had broken the bank
up at Monte Carlo. But she regarded both these suggestions with
something like contempt, adding, amidst approving grunts and ah's!"
that it was something far worse than revolution or bank-breaking either,
as I might hear if I took the trouble to attend the mass meeting of the
Army and the Nation then being held in the lH6tel de Ville.
Need I say, Sir, I instantly made for the designated spot ? which I
fortunately reached just in time to hear a veteran citizen, who was in
the chair, I suppose, putting the case to the meeting. He did this with
such an amount of demonstration, gesticulation, and florid illustration,
that I had better, I think, merely give you the main facts of his state-
ment. It seems, then, that the Grand Army of Monaco, consisting of
78 men all told, is divided into four regiments, two of which being com-
posed of warriors recruited from the upper part of the city, are known
as the Hautes-Terres." From time immemorial (in other words, for
the past hundred and fifty years or so) it had been the custom to trim the
tunics of one of these Hautc-Terre regiments with blue braid and
the other with green; but now-and it was really affecting to see how
the veteran citizen doubled himself up and sobbed aloud as he said this
-an unpatriotic and reckless War Minister, for the base reasons that the
green was five centimes a yard cheaper than the blue, and, moreover,
would keep its colour better at the wash, had dared to order that in
future both regiments should be trimmed with braid of the same colour.
The rules had only been promulgated the previous day, it appeared ;
and yet, as the veteran proudly declared, already Monaco had risen like
one man to denounce the caitiff Minister-I dared not suggest that he
should be." upbraided," tempting as the opportunity was, for the nation
was too furious to be trifled with-and fight his pernicious decree to the
When the veteran had fainted away after the excitement of his pero-
ration, another aged party stepped forward and waved a hank of the
proscribed blue braid amidst salvoes of vivas and groans for the icono-
clastic War Minister, and then gave way to a tall gentleman, who, I
was told, had been formerly an officer in the blue-braided regiment.
He began by swearing on a second-hand tunic to defend every inch
of its blue braid with his life ; and then mounting the garment on a
clothes-prop, he carried it through the hall, amidst a scene of the most
hysterical enthusiasm, declaring that they must never rest till the
obnoxious assimilation was countermanded.
His speech was most successful. "Show me the man of the Blue
regiment who would dare to march to victory with green braid on his
cuffs and collar he cried. But no one could show him the desiderated
warrior. "And where," he asked, in quite a bloodthirsty tone, "is the
green-braided hero who would deign to fight, even for his life, if he had
a scrap of blue braid on his bosom ? But there was evidently no such
hero present, and the meeting presently closed by each man present
dashing a cheese-plate on the ground, and jumping savagely on the
pieces (which is the way they take an oath in Monaco), as he declared
he would, if necessary, die to defend the duplicate system of regimental
After this I went on the platform to see the difference between the
two braids; and as you may fancy, Sir, there was a somewhat awkward
pause when it was found on comparison that it was quite impossible to
distinguish the blue braid from the green in the gaslight.
"So you can't be quite sure which braid it is you have all sworn to
die for?" I asked the veteran chairman with a smile.
"No matter, Sir l he replied, fiercely, we will all die, if necessary,
just the same 1"
Exactly so," I answered; "though I would suggest that if you were
all to 'dye' the braid, it would be a satisfactory solution of the diffi-
But I dared not wait for the agitated veteran's response I

A Neckstraordinary Proceeding.
IT is stated that there is an idea of marking soldiers with a cross on
the nape of the neck by means of cupping, in order to prevent re-enlist-
ment. This, of course, will be rather hard on the many for the sake of
punishing the few. To our thinking it will be a neckstream measure to
resort to in order that a deserter shall have a bad mark.



MARCH 2, 1881.

Among other changes contemplated by the Admiralty, it is expected that the following Regulations will shortly be issued.

The use of Tobacco in any form will be strictly
prohibited. In consequence oi the strong representations
Commander (loq.)-" Now, then, sir, what have which have been made on the subject, sailors will The cutlass will be superseded by a more scientific instrument.
you got in your cheek?" in future be supplied with regulation braces.
A.B.-" Only a brandy-ball, sir."


An extra allowance of real jam will be given to the men before going into action. For Valour. The Recruit of the future.

The Teetotal Bore on Boers.
SIR WILFRID LAWSON very naturally spoke at the Memorial Hall,
Farringdon Street, in favour of the Boers: one bore ought to sympathize
with others. Sir Wilfrid seems greatly hurt that we (the English) have
supplied the natives of South Africa with rum and gunpowder." Well,
it is a nasty mixture, and they ought to be taught to take it with hot
water, lemon, and sugar-one knob to the tumbler; at least, that 's how
we ourselves like it, and, perhaps, Willie does also on the sly. "The
rum and gunpowder" mixture having been so freely introduced to
natives, Sir Wilfrid gives it as one reason for our condoning all the
Boers' faults, and giving them back their Republic; but the Boer
happens to have been a hard taskmaster with a playful knack of flog-
ging his native slaves for small offences in a way that would make Mr.
Hardman's (the J. P.'s) mouth water with delight, and shooting them
down without mercy for larger ones; this is one reason why the British
civilizing influence (though Sir Wilfrid may sneer at it) should be in-
troduced into the Transvaal. Much as he would like to do so, Sir
Wilfrid Lawson will find much difficulty in making "a silk purse out of
a Boer's ear."

Here stands a Post.
THE appointment of Mr. Prior, an artisan, to the post of an Inspector
of Factories, has given a good deal of umbrage, because he has been
excused from passing the customary examination. But the Home Sec-
retary is determined to abide by his nomination; and however disap-
pointed candidates may grumble, they will assuredly find themselves
excluded from possession of the coveted office by a "prior incum-

MOMENTOUS news comes from Persia. Hadji Motemed el Daouleh
has succeeded Hadji Salar Azem as the Shah's Commander-in-Chief.
No wonder, then, there is such Hadji-tation" in military circles at

Greek Fire.
ACCORDING to the ambiguous report of a daily paper, an insinuation
lately made in the French Chamber to the effect that M. Gambetta must
have been to blame for the betrayed hopes of the Greeks, "caused
the President to descend from his chair on fire with indignation." If it
be true that it was the chair which was thus in flames, it is pretty evident
that the Greeks had nothing to do with the President's leaving it; but
if M. Gambetta himself was the object on fire, then it is rather strange
that not a politician in the Chamber attempted to put himn out.

Proh Pudor!
The Municipality of Marseilles have refused to grant a site for a statue
of M. Thiers.
THE Radicals of fickle France
May well inspire surprise,
When thus they seize upon a chance
Their heroes to despise;
But now we can more clearly know
The tenour of their ways,-
They hate a Marseilles-man, although
They love the Marseillaise.

Example is Better than Precept.
IF imitation be the sincerest form of flattery, the Home Rulers ought
to be flattered by the action of the School Board, for there has been a
"scene" amongst the members. The language from the Obstructionist
point of view has been quite Parliamentary. It would be as well if those
who have taken the superintendence of the children of this country should
themselves know how to behave.

Another A-"gras "-rian Outrage.
FIVE thousand Gras rifles landed at the Pirreus from Trieste. Greece
is evidently "gras"-dually tending towards war.

MARCH 2, 188. FUN. 91

I think if

I here advance
g from profound
ion :
Nature gave a

We most of us might
reach perfection.
She gives us many things,
no doubt,
But soon she proves
By them mere delusions,
By grudging time to work
them out
To satisfactory conclu-

There 's me-I started as a
I11 thing
To kick and shout and
An -wield a rattle,
But. To masticate apliant ring,
And, technically speaking, "prattle."
These pleasing duties I pursued
With ardour nothing could diminish,
For I was thoroughly imbued
With notions of artistic finish.
I said, As I 've this part to play,
This is the light in which I view it,
It will be better every way
The better I contrive to do it."
And so I studied babies long,
And "working up the business" gaily,
I made the part extremely strong,
And added little touches" daily.
But down came Nature, to my pain,
And bade me follow boyhood's courses
Before I 'd time to ascertain
The half of babyhood's resources.
I'd scarcely given to that change
(Upon compulsion) acquiescence,
When I became compelled to range
"The dreamy paths of adolescence.
A lover then, a husband next
(These latter changes rapid, rather),
And after that, to prove my text,
I suddenly became a father !
And now I've reached the close of life,
My teeth and hair have long departed,
And, after years of work and strife,
I 'm much the same as when I started.

It's one of Nature's grand mistakes-
Instead of trying concentration,
She wastes her time and stuff, and makes
An inefficient combination.
She might, instead of causing man
From babe through boy to man to go on,
To make some men--a better plan-
Babes always-and some boys, and so on.

Then all our babes would gnaw their rings-
Our boys assume complexions ruddy-
Our youths don fashionable things
With all the ease of lengthened study.
And lovers to a pitch sublime
Might bring the graces of affection,
For all would have sufficient time
For practice, parent of perfection.
Compared to what the world were then,
At present it's a sort of Hades-
Oh, what a world of perfect men !
And what a world of "perfect ladies !"
I feel a sense of missing bliss,
When soft reflection whispers, "Maybe,
If I'd been left alone, by this
I might have been a "perfect baby !"

My friend Jollidogue he come to me and ask can I play ze football.
I reply if zat he mean ze footit of ze leetle boy of ze street, I cannot play,
but ven he explain I comprehend, and say to him, "Ve play your foot-
ball in my own country, only ve call it ballon, and kick it vit ze hand."
Zen be laugh and say ze football vit ze kick of ze hand must be Irish
game. Jollidogue he tell me zat a friend of his cannot get up his team
by Saturday, and vill I help him; but I demand, "Is your friend drivare
of ze engine, for vy he desire to get his steam up ?" but Jollidogue say
no joke, and I see I have made vat you call a bun-ah, merci! a pun.
Maintenant, I tell Jollidogue I vill make von of his friend's team if he
vill make anozzare. So it vas settled. Attended, and you sall learn how
zat I was very near almost settled too !
Our rendezvous vas ze Rye of Peckhams, and ven ze Saturday after-
noon arrive Jollidogue and his friend and his team vere zare. I vas
zare also. Ve vare all zare. Ze cheeky leetle boys said so. Zey also
made remark zat I had got zem on; I sink zey referred to ze colare of
my Channel Island-ah, no I my Jaresey-also to my vite pants and cap
of ze polo. Presently our capitaine come to me and ask if I am forward,
and I say, "No, sare; I trust I inherit ze politesse Franqaise," but
Jollidogue say ze capitaine mean my place in ze field, not my mannares,
Zen ze capitaine, who has tossed for side, tell us he have got ze vind
and ze kick, and I suggest he should take some sticking-plaister for ze
kick and a mint of ze peppare for ze vind, but he say it is not a time
for joke, vich I do not understand. Zen ze game begin, and ma foil
it vas terrible. Zare vas a rush and a shout, and I seem I am borne
in ze midst of a battle; I am knock down in ze puddle of vatare, for,
as your song say, ze bloom-I mean ze vatare-is on ze Rye; I am
seated upon; von man reclines on my head, anozzare stand on my
chest. Zen I am dragged out by ze ankles. Ven I get up a man dash
past me like ze wind, and Jollidogue run up and ask for vy I did not
charge him, and I say zat for von sing I did not know much to charge
him, and if I had known, he vas in so much hurry he vould not have
stopped to pay. But Jollidogue is avay before I have said half, and I
hear some von shout, Bravo! Jollidogue has got a rotuge in goal ven
I ansare, "And I have got a black in ze eye." Zis game should be
called Rouge-et-Noir.
Again ve are in ze escreemage, and ze fools have mistaken my head
for ze football. Some von tell me I am offside, and I reply I sink
I sail be off my head vare soon. Von man say to anozzare, he is half-
back, and I say zat is not nozzink, for I am afraid my back is broken
into quartares. Zen some von say ze ball is vat he call touch-down, and
I ask him if zat it will not require aftare so much seeking to be touched-
up? Presently I understand Jollidogue to say, Come along, zey have
got'em all on in goal, "and I inquire, "Vat do you mean? Ze leetle boy
have tell me ven I came out I have got zem all on, but vat have zey got
on in goal?" but he made me vat you call tumble-(ma foil I have
tumble horriblement to-day)-zat he mean zay have got a maul on. At
last ze higher hump-I mean ze hump higher, I sink you call him-he
say "Time," and vraiment it vas time he did. Ve leave ze field of var,
ve vash, ve put on ze plaister zat steeck, and ze cold cream, and Jolli-
dogue ask me how like I ze football. I tell him, lan amil in my
own country ve have sometime ze revolution and ze street barricade; I
do not like ze struggle at ze barricade, vich is sometimes necessary, nor
do I like any more ze football, vich is not. But I sail nevare undare.
stand you Eengleese. You vill not allow two men to box vit ze glove,
but you vill let zirty play football." Jollidogue zen say aftare his cold
tub he feel game for anysink, and I say for myself I am no more game
for football, nor is football ze game for me; and ven ze capitaine say ve
have von by a "try," I declare to myself I vill not nevare take ze advice
of your pwroverbe and "try again." The great Mardchal Frangais said of
your Balaclava charge, C est magnifique, mais ce n'est fas la guerrel"
I say of your football, C'est la guerre, mais ce n'est fas magnifique!"


MARCH 2, I881.


Simple Proportion.
IN an article in the London Medical Record, on the physical develop-
ment of children, it is stated that all children should grow from two to
three inches a year, and should increase in weight about two pounds per
inch. Putting it in sporting phraseology, it is a case of "weight for age
with the human race.
Who Nose?
THE latest invention (need we say it is American?) is the theory of
odours. It is maintained that the perfumes of flowers exercise a subtle
influence upon the moral as well as the physical part of our being, and
in order to produce certain qualities, good or the reverse, in any indivi-
dual, it is only necessary to make him constantly breathe the perfume
which inspires them. There can be no doubt that in this great city evil
abounds on every side, and it is equally certain that the criminal classes
are more especially surrounded by bad smells. On the other hand, the
more favoured section of the community, who have a rosy time of it, are
certainly given to flowery language.

A Patent Fact.
NECESSITY is the mother of Invention, they say, but seeing how many
people ruin themselves by taking out patents, we think that Invention
is the mother of Necessity is the way the proverb should read.

Nearly Ready.
One Shilling; by post, Is. 2d.
Now Ready, price One Shilling. Post-free, is. 21d.
A Book for Players, Playgoers, and the Public generally. By CHARLEs H. Ross.
"The book is the best change for a shilling we have seen for many a day."-
Sunday Timtes.
Round Table Books-One Shilling each. Post, Is. 21d.
Their Cards, and How, they Played them.
A STANDARD SHILLING BOOK, the first of a series to be called Round Table Books.

I made of the FINEST moterint and C-uy
I OA. One ounde r il do as CAUTION.-If
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YellowSoap, and is much more economic. the cuP t prof
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One trial will ensure its constant use.
Sold in i lb. bars at Sd. Of all Grocers, Oilmen, and Stores. PURE !!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING.!!!


Pa3 sl .
As ~ Supidt h

Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.-London, March 2, x88i.


- 1!


MARCH 9, 88i. F. 93

Nellie.-"Cos THERE'S A TEAR IN IT."

With Apologies to the Shade of Tom Moore!
BELIEVE me, if all that roast pork which with zest
I devoured at dinner to-night,
Were to bring indigestion and lie on my chest
Like a log, putting slumber to flight,
It would still be my favourite dish, as of yore,
Let my sufferings be what they will,
And round the crisp crackling and stuffing galore
My thoughts linger lovingly still!
It is not while playing a good knife and fork,
When your frame's undisturbed by a throe,
That the thought of the horrors attendant on pork
Will be likely to fill you with woe.
No 't is only when several hours have flown,
That pale Nemesis steals from her lair,
And as on your pillow you fidget and groan,
You feel that "roast pig" is a snare !

picking and stealing.

VOL. XXXIIl.-NO. 826.

A Bridge of Sighs.
IN a recent case Mr. Bridge, the Southwark magistrate, considered
the Guardians guilty of such cruelty that he stated he should write to the
Commissioners, and ordered the woman who appeared before him to be
taken back to the workhouse. On all sides we hear that parish relief is
so brutally dispensed that the deserving poor dispense with it and prefer
to die.

Teetotally Wrong.
A MEETINGwas held at theBloomsbury Lecture Hallwhere thespeakers
were all total abstainers of twenty years' standing, who gave their varied
and interesting experiences. Unfortunately each speaker was limited to
five minutes, consequently they were none of them able to say much for

Respectfully dedicated to the Junior Member for Cork.
HE that spouts and runs away
Will live to spout another day;
But he that spouts and goes to jail,
His spouting finds of no avail.


MARCH 9, 188I.

fIE news that
Messrs. Irving
and Booth, as-
sisted, moreover,
M. Iby Miss Ellen
Terry,will appear
il i together at the
Lyceum in
Othello, alternat-
ing the parts of
Iago and the
dusky hero, has
created not little
enthusiastic ex-
citement, and
there is no doubt
that theatre-goers
have a rich treat
in store for them.
/Neither gentle-
man can claim to
have made a
striking success in the part of the Moor, but Mr. Booth has made, and
Mr. Irving's peculiar bent holds out every prospect of his making, a
considerable impression as the wily "Ancient." In each part they will,
no doubt, bOthelloquently pile up thIagony, but admirers of either
gentleman who argue that their favourite is seen at his best as Iago will
certainly have the best of thlagoment.
There is in rehearsal at the Vaudeville a piece, which Messrs. Dilley
and Clifton have!prepared, entitled Tom Pinch; obviously an adaptation
of a portion of Dickens's Mfartin Chuzzledit. I don't like Clifton the
pen of disapproval, but there is no use in Dilley-dallying when it has to
be done, and I must remark that adaptations of Dickens are seldom
anything but patchy and unsatisfactory, containing none of its original
spirit,-in this case, however, we may expect a Pinch.
In Mr. Herman Merivale's new play, which, I believe, by arrangement
with Mr. Barrett will be produced at the Court Theatre in the autumn
by Miss Litton, that lady and Mr. Kyrle Bellew-Hermany having been
restored between them-will probably sustain the principal parts.

By the way, I suppose this new piece is the new version of George
Barnwell we heard of some time ago, which bears the name of the low-
lived .1fihwood for title. I call her low-lived, you know, because she
wasn't Barn-well. NESTOR.

FOR seizing a woman by the hair, dragging her into another room,
tearing off her clothes, brutally kicking her, then throwing her on to the
fire, a brute (it would be absurd to call him a man) has been sentenced
at Hull to six months' imprisonment; while, on the same day, a man at
Preston was convicted to five years' penal servitude for stealing two
hens. And yet a Bill for the better preservation of property is deemed
urgent. An Act for the better protection of wives is urgently wanted at
kenny rate.
In the case of Gilbert and Sullivan v. The Comedy Opera Company,
there was considerable fun, but Mr. Geo. Grossmith's evidence provoked
roars of laughter. He stated that when the receipts went down the
drains got bad." What he sezverly meant was, that when the piece was
unsuccessful the proprietors began "to smell a rat."
The dreadful disaster to our troops at the Cape is another proof of the
utter fallacy of believing that an Englishman is a match for any number
of foreigners ; and the conduct of our adversaries also proves that it is
quite a mistake to allude to a want of valour and pluck as Dutchk

A Regular Stamp-ede,
No system of encouraging thrift has ever been so liberally and generally
"stamped" with public approval as Professor Fawcett's plan for receiv-
ing deposits of one shilling. Every form used has, in fact, been stamped
no less than twelve times !

Act on the "Square!"
MR. BARRINGTON'S character in Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan's new
comic opera is named "Mr. Algernon Grosvenor." This is likely to
prove the exception to the rule that a good all-" round" actor cannot
be fitted into a "square" part-in fact, we might say into a "Grosvenor
Square" part whilst we are about it.

SiE,-When I make up my mind to do a thing, that thing, as a rule,
gets done-generally by me-so it will not surprise you to hear that,
having started last week with the intention of watching the University
Crews at practice on their own peculiar rivers, I am already half-way
there. The weather is solely accountable for my not being the whole
way there.' Last Thursday, I started for Cambridge and got snowed up ;
on Friday, they dug me out and gave me brandy; on Saturday, I made
for Oxford and got involved in floods; on Sunday, they fished me out
and gave me more brandy; on Monday, I set out for Cambridge again
and got stopped by the wind; on Tuesday, they unknotted me and gave
me still more brandy; and on Wednesday, (that 's to-day), I set out for
Oxford or Cambridge, I don't know which, and here I am, half-way,
and frozen to the spot; it will take several bottles of brandy to thaw
me, but my courage is not damped by the prospect. From time to
time, during my meteorological adventures, my thoughts have been a
good deal turned to the Croydon Meeting, and I have written the fol-
lowing tip-a tip which has been broken off several times :-
Oh, loudly and in phrases very far from contradictory
We'll sing of the United" with our customary verve,
We 'II calmly but decisively assign the comining victory
With calm unswerving courage and invulnerable nerve;
Our mind is in a glow with all the chances of Ignition, though
The Abbot of St. Mary's we are reverencing much ;
We sneer at all the horses of inferior position, though
We cannot, p'r'aps, with justice, reckon Theophrastus such.
Oh, stick ye to the Milkmaid with the faith of any span-ual;
Who draws the Oxford Beau will have no reason to deplore;
The Prophet for the winner would be giving his Sign Manual;
You'll find the Golden Pippin true and faithful to the core;
Rocksavage cries out Victory in accents inharmonius,
Or Gunlock as the winner will be kicking up a din;
And if you take the statement of the genial Trophonius,
He really thinks you ought to stand, by Jupiter to win.
The execution of the programme at Westminster has proceeded
quietly enough this week. Mr. Forster's Bill (in the Coercion Scurry)
easily got through its third heat on Friday (25th ult.), and came smartly
and triumphantly through the various heats over the Lords' course on
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Little else worthy of note has
happened, except that Mr. Childers couldn't get a run for his Army
Estimates on Monday, being baulked, by the Irish contingent.
And that's all at present. Full account of Oxford and Cambridge
rowing next week. Yours, etc., TROPHONIUS.

"Hard Lines."
SI1NCE the good, kind Land League have taken so much rare of Ould
Erin, the number of female Irish tramps wandering about in England is
very much larger than before the benevolent L. L. began their work of
charity. This is surely very hard on the gentle, simple-minded Bnglish
male vagabond ; why, some of them will be actually obliged to work for
a living if things go on in this way.

A Curious Fact.
WHAT a strange thing it is that Mr. Gladstone, as a woodman, should
have such a dislike to moss It appears that his only reason for wishing
to drive the terrible Turk out of Europe is, that the T. T.'s country is
so mosque-covered.

"That is So."
AN officer who usually commands a large amount of attention after a
period of blunders and disasters.-General Election.

A Firm Pick-me-up.
THE Emperor of all the Russias has not recovered from lis Nihilist
scare, so whenever he feels the slightest symptoms of indigestion, ima-
gines that some bold bad Nihilist has mixed poison with his food, and
it is a case of "run for the doctor, Alexis dear." Now, all this un-
pleasantness might be satisfactorily closed up, by the good, kind, Christian
Czar drinking the Bark Beer (Rubine) with his meals, instead of alco-
holic stimulants. Rubine is one of the best non-intoxicating beverages
,sold. It is down on indigestion like a flash of greased lightning; and
those drink it now who never drank before, and those who used to drink
it, now drink it all the more.


MARCH 9, I881.




CATCH a kind of plot imprimis,-
Some say catch a title first;
But men fictionally versed
Urge for this the proper time is
When your villain's done his worst;-
Weave it pretty mild of flavour,
Scarce a taste of gyves and gaols,
That is one task that prevails ;
Something simpler, sweeter, suaver,
Suits this style of Winter Tales.

Chief ingredients : high feeding,
Babies, quarrels, and a kiss;
Long-lost will won't come amiss;
Moral saws for Sunday reading,
Punch, and pure domestic bliss.
With the punch and kiss deleted,
This may serve to pluck the scales
From eyes reddened by old ales;
For to tracts we 're sometimes treated
Even in our Winter Tales.

If you want the grim and ghastly-
Novelty's a precious boon-
Put a ghoul in a balloon;
Or a vampire would take vastly
In a Citizen saloon.
The familiar and the fearful,
Mixed till Wilkie Collins pales,
Most the modern mind assails,
And distinguishes one cheerful
Catalogue of Winter Tales.

But, young man, if you 'd make money-
It is said there are a few
Writers here and there who do-
Make, oh, make, your stories funny,
Plot, scene, dialogue, all through.
It's the book that sets one roaring
Does a roaring thing in sales ;
And it's here your Mentor fails :
His especial line is boring,
And they're "frosts," his Winter Tales.

SCENE-NURSE bringing in a SMALL BOY (crying) to his MOTHER.

THE following descriptive report would seem to have been intended
for one of the so-called serious papers; but it having accidentally come
into our hands, we do not scruple to publish it for what it is worth :-
Old Sol poured down his brightest and warmest rays; the verdant
sward in front of Snobscombe Hall looked exceptionally fresh, and
many a heart beat high on that brilliant morning-for were we not
assembled to witness the daring deeds of the most famous horsewoman
of her time ? All the rank, beauty, and fashion of this and the neigh-
bouring counties had come, even at this early hour, to the Meet; and
the equine element was represented in a state of perfection such as none
in this land had ever seen before.
"A grand day for scent, sir," remarked a red-coated nobleman to
me. And so, indeed, it was, for just at that moment a delicious perfume
was wafted down the balmy gale, as the Empress, waving her snowy
handkerchief to her numerous friends, drove up rapidly in a dashing
victoria. To leap to the ground was the work of an instant on her
Majesty's part, and we all then had an opportunity of admiring the
superb close-fitting dark blue riding-dress, which showed off charmingly
the most elegant figure in Europe, though considerable surprise was ex-
pressed that its fair owner should not be wearing any of the more marked
and common emblems of royalty. As if by inspiration, the whole com-
pany immediately formed itself into a large circle, in the centre of which
stood the Imperial lady's favourite bay horse; and when its august
mistress gracefully stepped up to it, the noble steed-in the truest spirit
of chivalry-went down on its knees and kissed the dainty ten-buttoned
glove that enveloped her shapely hand. Taking from her pocket one
of those beautifully gilt gingerbread-nuts, which her Majesty has specially
manufactured for the benefit of her pets, she gave the faithful animal his
expected meal, and was then introduced by the huntsman to some of
the more celebrated of the hounds, showing a marvellous appreciation
of their best points, and a fine eye for the difference between liver, and
lemon and brown. We then-an imposing cavalcade-moved off to

the nearest cover, where a carefully preserved dog-fox was speedily
found: one of the under-whips thoughtfully retiring to a respectful
distance so as not to distress her Highness's ears, sounded the "View-
Halloa," and away we all dashed into the open at a clinking pace.
First went the fox; next went the pack ; then came the Imperial
huntress, closely attended by the gallant Captain, whose envied mission
it is to break a hole through a stiff hedge or knock over a top-rail in
cases of necessity; and lastly, at a proper interval, the rest of the Meet
followed as best it might. Tally-ho !" "Yoicks !" Hark forward !"
"Tantivy Steady now, Topsy !" "Whoa, then !"
Oh, it was a magnificent sight On we sped, up hill and down dale,
over field and over fallow, across river and through hedge, watching with
unflagging amazement the astounding dexterity and unrivalled seat of
the Lady Nimrod in front of us, who, handling the reins with extra-
ordinary lightness, flew like a bird over every opposing obstacle; and
whenever in the course of the chase her Majesty rode up to a stiffer
fence or a broader stretch of water than usual, we all with one accord
held our breath, until a sigh of relief arose from the whole field and
announced that she had safely landed on the other side. The pace was
terrific, and began to tell on all but our intrepid cynosure; the hounds
were gradually tailing off, and the general company fast became small
by degrees and beautifully less." Reynard had run gamely, and nearly
reached the well-merited refuge of a wood ; but now, when escape was
most easy, he seemed to change his mind, and, turning back with a
courtier-like devotion that did him the utmost credit, he gracefully
yielded up his brush to the most accomplished Royal Dame that ever
crossed a saddle or run a cub to earth.
Thus ended a fifty minutes' burst that will henceforth be marked with
a red letter in the annals of the chase; and one and all who were so
fortunate as to be present on that memorable occasion would be ready
to echo the exclamation of an enthusiastic French Marquis, who kept
by my side all day, and, when it was all over, brandished his empty
brandy-flask over his head, and in rapture cried, ViIe le sport!"

96 FUN. MARCH 9, i88i.

[No wonder they carried their point.

"Meee-ate! "
HOT dinners in the streets for working men is the latest philanthropic
scheme for the benefit of this very muchly patronised and befriended,
but withal unimproved, class of humanity. A very tempting menu of
tinned meat and other like comestibles has been prepared by the new
undertaking, "The Hot Food Supply Association," and a contempo-
rary has hastened to supplement it with a variety of nice suggestions.
Among the dainties thus recommended is the Moorish dish known as
Kouskousou, a species of granulated maccaroni; no doubt, a palatable
and nutritious article enough, but so far objectionable, inasmuch as we
are inclined to think "the working man is quite too much given to
kussing and swearing already, without offering him additional provo-
cation to it when calling for his dinner. Another doubtful delicacy pro-
posed to be introduced into the bill of fare is the Turkish kibobs "-
slices or lumps of mutton run upon a skewer and roasted over hot ashes,
the great advantage of this tit-bit being the facility of eating it, the con-
sumer requiring no knife, fork, or plate, and having merely to "nibble
it off the skewer." There is, however, we should point out, an English
" kibob already in the market, likewise sold upon a skewer, and though
not roasted, is eaten in much the same way as the Turkish article, and is
much esteemed by its consumers, a large and discriminating body. The
French gentleman who once enrolled himself in this division was heard,
however, to declare that he "no find the bif so superior," and it is just
possible that this might also be the verdict of those who venture upon
the Anglo-Turkish "kibob" of the street luncheon bars. Assuredly
some discernment will have to be exercised in dealing with this improved
form of a dainty that, though sufficiently well known, has not hitherto
been popular with gourmands of the working or any other class, in the
enjoyment of even the strongest digestions and most catholic tastes.

A "LODE OF METAL.-A bullet.
VESTRIAL VIRGINS.-Female acolytes.
ESSENCE-IALLY SCOTCH.-Tar-tan-nic acid.

Some "Cuckoo" Cries.
A CUCKOO is often the herald of spring. Mr. Yates hopes, no doubt,
that his Cuckoo will also be the herald of a spring "-in its own cir-
No doubt the new journal will come out "like a bird."
Of course this Cuckoo will have its Bill of Contents.
Let us hope that it will not prove a Cuck-oo spoils the broth !
It has two points in its favour. It will always be well up to Time,
and be before the World.
There will be a clock over the "leaders," of course; but need we
add it will be a "cuckoo one ?
The printing office will have a very botanical aspect. It will be full
of "cuckoo" plant.

New Leaves.
THE Magazines and other serials of the month under-not beneath-
our notice, are up to, if not above, the average. The Leisure Hour,
Sunday at Home, Friendly Greetings, Boy's Own Paper, and Girl's Own
Paper, are rich as usual in illustrations to delight the eye, and in litera-
ture to enlighten the mind. The Universal Instructor fully sustains both
its primary and secondary titles in anything but a secondary manner.
The Churchman and The Antiquary each has many interesting articles.
So has Macmillan's, notably one on Byron, the poet, not the dramatist;
and another on "The Penny Press." We cannot read them all earnestly
ourselves, but we can most earnestly recommend them all to our readers.

An Oscarly Wilde Notion.
MR. OSCAR WILDE, in his Impressions de Matin in the World, writes
with such Coloneld"-like intensity, that one might suppose it was a
"cocoa-nut matin he had in his eye. "Kernel" and "cocoa-nut,"
don't you see? That's where the laugh comes in !

FTUNT.-MARCH 9, i88i.

-------__ -


- N






MARCH 9, 1881.


Light and Leading.
IT is said that the reason Mr. Gladstone objects to be transplanted to
the Upper House is not political but personal : that his temper has been
so sadly spoilt lately that he does not feel himself to be a match for his
old opponent, who as age increases only becomes more cool, collected,
and contemptuous. We don't know about Mr. Gladstone being "a
match," but Lord Beaconsfield has certainly something of the Lucif2'r
about him.
A Matter of "Terms."
A WHITECHAPEL public house, together with some disgraceful dilapi-
dated tenements, celebrated from their having been described by Dickens
in the Nancy scene in Oliver Twist, have just been assessed as worth
4,250, they being included in a condemned area. The buildings are
supposed to be worthless, but if they realize 4,250 we hardly see how the
Dickens that can be.

THE people about, or-I give you my word-
At any rate, no very limited section,
Are victims of fallacies wholly absurd,
And all for the want of a little reflection.
Regarding which point I would wish to explain
That Jonathan, I, and our Emily Jane,
I-ave found many "truths" (the conventional, please,)
Completely disproved by experiences.
In fact, it's as plain as the staff of a pike,
So don't take the trouble to try and refute it,
That, make any blessed assertion you like,
If done pretty boldly but few will dispute it.
Because it's been said (which is rather a lark)
They '11 take it as truth without any remark,
And weightily lecture upon it as well;
They follow like sheep any sheep with a bell.
IEHKAUtH F There's drink-that's a thing that they'll
OP 10PIMt lecture you on,-
EHfE Inveigh against brewer, distiller, and
aAnd say that, all bloated, unhealthy, and
I a1 You're made by its pow'r a deplorable
f m Why, Jonathan, bless you, is always "in
(He's ruddy enough in complexion, I think,)
He's blest with a rude-nay, impertinent
8. And beggary? Pooh! Why, he's rolling
in wealth.
Nor must you suppose in his case you de-
The triumph of mind in a trying position,
His health and his wealth are the simple, direct
Result of his uninterrupted condition.
The more he disposes of bottle and keg,
The firmer he planteth his jolly old leg;
The more he disposes of "nips and of wets,"
The better he looks and the richer he gets.
Then smoking's a subject that seldom will
fail L
These (probably quite unintentional)
They say that they 're stunted, and yellow,
and pale,
Who're anything like to habitual
They say that their throats are, like chim-
neys, unclean,
They say that they're poisoned by harsh
They say that they 're nervous and cower
with fears.
What nonsense! I've lived on tobacco
for years.
The tons upon tons of tobacco I've bought! E r
The hundreds of pipes (when I chanced .
to admire them) !
Cigars by the thousand, sustained by the thought,
That down to an ounce I was sure to require them.

Tobacco unhealthy I Just look at me-elh
And I thought about nothing but baccy'
all day !
A smoker is certain of ruin, they vow.
I've made a small fortune by smoking-so
now !
Then, others will tell you that ladies of
Presumable sense, and no small education,
Indulge in a passion for dress till, by stealth,
They bring on their fortunes complete
Why, Emmy once occupied (tempered by
A simply contemptible station in life;
And now she has horses and servants-no
And all by devoting exris/eince in dress.

A slight explanation might come in this place,
But, far from its being a kind to enhance it,
That slight explanation might damage my case;
However, here goes for to make it and chance it.
Old Jonathan's only "in drink as a trade,
By selling tobacco my living is made,
And Emmy's devotion to dress ought to be,
For Emily Jane is a milliner-see ?

I HAVE vish for great long time to go see your House of ze Commons.
(En passant, for vy do you call it ze House of ze Commons ven all ze
Membares are great svells?). Vell, Jollidogue say he vill get me an ordare
from his uncle, who sits for a borough. I ask Jollidogue if it is ze High
Strit Borough ovare London Bridge for vich his uncle sit. Mais, il me dit
que non, it is anozzare borough. Maintenant, Jollidogue keep his pro-
mise, or razzare, he give me his promise, and bring me an ordare for ze
gallery of ze House of ze Commons. Jollidogue have also got anozzare
ordare for himself. Ven ve arrive at Vestmeenstare zey show me ze great
clock,-mafoi! ve have at Rouen le Tour de Gros Horloge, but it is not
nozzink to your vat you call Big Ben. Ve entare your Vestmeenstare
Hall. Ve vait among ze monuments of your great estatesmen, and ven
it is our turn ve go into ze gallery of estrangares.
Jollidogue tell me some von have caught ze eye of ze Spikare, zen a lot
of Membares shout ear! ear! ear! zen ze Spikare himself say, as if he
vare a professare of ze boxe, ze "eyes have it," and, latare in ze evenink,
ze nose have it;" but vat most peculiare seem to me is zat, vit ze excep-
tion of vat he say of ze eyes and ze nose, ze Membare zat you call Spikare
scarcely say nozzink, no, not at all Zey show me vare ze Tories are,
and ze Liberals, and ze Independents, but I cannot see ze Mesodists,
nor, beside ze Spikare, can I see von Vig.
I demand of Jollidogue vat is ze gallery vis-a-vis, and he say it is ze
gallery of ze ladies, and zat he suppose his sistare is zare. Ven I hear
him say zat I sleep out and he no see, for I desire to make my devoirs to
ze charming leetle mees zat I adore. I go tro von corridor, I go tro
anozzare sort of door, and all ze peoples stare at me. I am lost; I know
not vare I go ; of a suddink zare is a glare of light, I find myself, qtdl
horreur/ in ze House of ze Commons its own self. I vondare vill zey
hang, or drown, or shoot me. Presently a Membare near to me sit at
my side and say, "Fats your name, sorr?" My name is not Fat, but I
am afraid to say anysink, so I make no ansare; zen he say as zat I am
below ze vay of ze gang,-he suppose I am an Irish mans, and I see I
am in vat you call Irish stew. I say, "All right." He continue to
address me. He say to me, vill I support him? and I reply, "If you
are ill, share, I vill support you, but sall I not fetch a doctare ? lie look
at me hard, zen I make grand discovery: ze Eengleesh Parliament is in
danger He say he is going to movezelfouse!!! I rise, I seize him by
ze coat, I exclaim, "Mistare Spikare, Voil& un auttre Gifox entire vous!"
Zare is a great shout, everybody get up. Zey call out "Gossit I" I
say, "Who sall ve goss? and how do ve do it?" but, horreur! zey seize
me ze Gossett is ze Colonel, who is not only a colonel but a sergeant
of ze arms. I try to explain, but zey bear me to ze Clock Tower, vare I
vait; ma foi! I am a clock-vail!
Jollidogue and his uncle arrive; zey explain; zey tell me zat I am in a
fix, and zey demand vill I go to ze Bar of ze House and apologize ? I
say, Mes amis, I vill go to ze bar and vill stand ze drink to ze whole
of ze House Zey say it is anozzare kind of bar. Maintenant, ze uncle
of Jollidogue explain to ze House how I got zare, and zey pardon me, and
once more I am free.


100 FUN. MARCH 9, 188i.


OOD gracious me! Matilda
Whatever shall we do ?
Oh! can it be we hope in
To find the news untrue?
Oh! can it be that all our
And ev'ry blessed night,
Shall cower in a dismal haze
Of unremitting blight ?

/// This is no thoughtless joke
SNo tale that I invent.
The Union Club, Matilda

They've turned its actions in-
side out,
To heartily abuse,
And Government, I make no doubt,
Is shaking in its shoes.
The Lord who regulates our ships
Is sure to take to flight ;
Sir Vernon Harcourt's merry quips
Will, awestruck, faint from sight;
The hair of Chamberlain, though brown,
Will turn to white instead,
And Mr. Gladstone tumble down
And lacerate his head.
Society will stand dismayed,
And quite disorganized,
And Art and Literature-Trade-
Will all be paralysed.
Oh I go, Matilda Jane-this purse
Thy princely guerdon be-
And beg and pray them to reverse
Their terrible decree.

I HAVE an excellent friend, Sir, in the village of-well, let us say-
Marsh-Mangelton, who, some three weeks ago, was attacked by "in-
somnia in its most aggravated form. He was, as usual, leading a
most quiet existence at the time, and yet suddenly he found himself un-
able to sleep, do what he would. The strange part of the matter was
that he suffered no pain whatever; he was, seemingly, free from disease,
and yet night after night he tossed from hour to hour in wearying wake-
fulness. He naturally adopted the ordinary remedies, as prescribed in
Enquire Within and books of family recipes; gave up his after-dinner
coffee ; drank hot grog the last thing before going to bed; walked a
mile before supper; had his bed-room hung with a mechanically regular
paper; and took odd volumes of Blair's "Sermons" and Young's "Night
Thoughts with him to his pillow.
But all these means failed in their end, Sir, and when, in addition,
that traditionally infallible incentive to somnolency, the counting of the
little cotton knobs on the quilt, also proved non-effective, and my friend
had even gone through the multiplication table backwards, and essayed
mental arithmetic of the most arduous nature in vain, he sent for his
medical man.
Well, Sir, the usual remedies were then administered. Chloral was
exhibited; morphia was injected; miscellaneous soporifics were tried
in draughts and pills ; and narcotics of all kinds carefully but persever-
ingly administered. But no sleep would not be induced.
Matters growing more serious, other means were adopted, regardless
of expense. Bees were procured and artificially persuaded to "hum"
sleepily at night upon my friend's window-sills. The course of a brook
was changed, at a cost of nearly /150, that it might murmur drowsily
beneath his chamber casement. Even picked choir singers were brought
down from London, and paid heavily to sing soft lullabies in his back
garden during the night watches. But alas! each and every effort to
woo coy sleep turned out abortive.
As the facts became known sympathy was generally expressed-kind
neighbours poured in bottles of rare old cordials, back volumes of comic
papers, and theological works of all kinds, with the best and sleepiest
intentions. Nor did their efforts cease there. The lord of the next
manor was actually brought over (thanks to the influence of the Member

for the county) ina specially aired carriage (he was eighty-five, and all
but bedridden), and then, after drinking a bottle of his own port,
skilfully led on, in hearing of my friend, to his "When I was a boy"
reminiscences, an interminable series of pointless anecdotes which had
never been known to fail in soporific effect. And when this desperate
remedy also failed, every one lost heart, and I was telegraphed for.
Things were critical indeed on the Sunday morning I arrived. My
friend had not slept for seven nights, and brain fever was imminent.
Scarcely knowing what to do, I walked out aimlessly, and finding myself
in front of the village church, walked listlessly in.
That was just before noon. At half-past twelve I emerged again into
the air with pins and needles in my left leg, but hope in my heart and
eyes, and, walking hurriedly to the station, telegraphed to town.

By the mail that same night an anxiously-awaited packing-case was
brought, which I carried off in hot haste to my friend s house. In less
than an hour a Bell-Edison Telephonic Apparatus was in actual work-
ing order between the sleepless one and the abode of the village vicar.
The doctor, who had come from London with me, said, In an hour
your friend will be asleep or mad."
"He will be asleep," I replied, confidently. And then, having whis-
pered my instructions in the physician's ear, I made for the vicarage,
and knocked up the Rev. Barnabas Boomer from his first sleep.
I did not mince matters with him. "Will you save a fellow-creature's
life? I asked. And when he dazingly consented, I continued, "Then,
for Heaven's sake, get out that sermon you preached from your pulpit
this morning, and preach it again down this pipe I I will explain all
Well, Sir, thanks to my earnest and Extra-Special manner, he did as
I asked, and in less than five minutes I was holding the candle and the
telephonic 'mouthpiece for him, as he leisurely proceeded to divide his
sermon into seven heads.
When, half an hour later, he had reached the "Secondly, brethren" of
the third head, I could bear the suspense no longer, and so placing Mr.
Boomer in charge of the candle, &c., I rushed back to my friend's
The changed aspect of the servants prepared me for the good news
which the doctor imparted to me as I went softly upstairs.
The patient was, and had beenjor nearly ten minutes, in a sweet, deep
sleep /
The Rev. Barnabas Boomer's homiletical discourse was still issuing
from the mouth of the telephonic apparatus; but it had already done
its work, I heard, when the sub-divisions of its second head had fallen
slumberously on my sleepless friend. The soporific effect of that sermon,
as I had anticipated, had proved utterly irresistible.
I am at present engaged in getting up "An Aggravated Insomnia
Cure Company (Limited)," for the purpose of working the Rev. Barnabas
Boomer as an infallible sleep-promoter. By arrangement with that
reverend gentleman, sleepless shareholders will be able to lay him on in
their bed-rooms like gas or water. I anticipate a great success, so you
had better apply for your shares at once, Sir, through me.

Lines for Music.
Nothing is capable of being well set to music that is not nonsense."--ADDISON.

LIKE a May-day ending
In November night,-
Like a tall tree bending
'Neath the tempest's might,-
Like a wild bird flying
O'er a stormy sea,-
Like a dolphin dying
Is my love for thee !

Hearts of girls and boys stir,
Thinking how they 'll sup
When the bearded oyster
Wears his "beaver up !"
I 'm a boy no longer,
Yet those fish from me
Win a love that 's stronger
Than my love for thee !

Noons the midnights swallow,
Dreams are for the dark,
Hearts are often hollow
As a Noah's Ark !
Mine is overflowing
With vacuity,-
And this state is owing
To its love for thee !

Summer flowers perish,
Winter snow-wreaths melt!
All things fly we cherish,
Like a perfume smelt !
If our hearts could banish
Thoughts of any she,
All life's cares would vanish-
Like my love for thee !

Rara Avis in Terris!
MR. SwAN'S Electric Lamps will now be brought out by a company.
Patentees of rival apparatus must be careful, therefore, not to say their
geese are "Swan's," even if in their hearts they think so!
A PROMPT course of action on the stage is positively useless. It is
superlatively necessary to have a Prompter "


Is it quite over ? you 're certain
The last lamp has shed its last glare ?
Ouf tant mieux, there, draw back the curtain,
Let's breathe again business-like air.
Again it's worth walking and waking,
When round one, disdainfully viewed,
The victims of holiday making
Stark, stiff, and dyspeptic are strewed.
It's worth many walks through the City,
Or taking a Brixton slow train,
To gloat over girls, who were pretty,
Whom waltzing's made wan, puny, plain.
Ah joy to perceive how the roses
Their darling cheeks once wore are lost,
Or frankly removed to their noses,
Made red by stays, champagne, and frost.
Let's look, and rejoice, at the precious
Dear innocents, bolused for bile ;
Oh, how their prescriptions refresh us,
Oh, how their despair makes us smile !
Oh, rapture that passeth all checking
To mark their decline, and discern
Them ruthlessly, recklessly wrecking
The homes that would feast their return.
And then the last lees of their folly-
The bills pouring thick on papa;
Mamma cross as two sticks-how jolly !
The bailiffs impending-ha! ha!
From basement to roof the house littered
With high jinks' disjecta membra,-
'T is all balm unto the embittered
Bard's soul that disdains to be gay.
No doubt they were rapturous revels,
That some might deem worth being seen ;
But ah the blue pills and blue devils
That turn all the revellers green!

The bowl may be bounteous and beady,
The flowers of to-day may be fine,
But it is the morrow that's seedy,
That's more in my lyrical line.

So give me the dregs and the dolour,
Oh, give me, to help me to scoff,
The beau who has crumpled his collar,
The beauty whose powder's come off;
The end of a holiday s pleasant,
Itself I disdainfully scout-
For nobody gave me a present,
And no one invited me out.

HER MAJESTY's.-" What a fall was there! "--Opera, and "After the
Opera was over," Nigger Minstrels-and "Music Hall Art." Artful,
but not majestic ; but opera will op-er(e)a-gain.
DRURY LANE. -The performance in aid of the Royal General
Theatrical Fund yielded 350o.
COURT..-Heartsease is as admirably acted as on its former production.
Modjeska's rendering of the chief character being, if anything, more
refined and effective than before.
SURREY.-Here has been put on All for Gold, or Fifty Millions of
Money, in which the acting of Mr. Dampier is both forcible and effective,
whilst that of his daughters Lily and Rose is admirable. They are
adequately supported (we should think so) with Fifty Millions-one
million would adequately support us, and all our Lilies and Roses into
the bargain, and provide no end of Fun."
STANDARD.-Delilah has gone to the Standard. That shows it has
become a Standard piece.
OLYMPIC. -Lola has been taken off. Lo I la I! And Jenny Lee's Yo
(my ,o, Jenny) has been put on. Another "move on" for Jo.
GLOBE.-La Belle Normande, also, is about to be "rung out."
SADLER'S WELLS.-Hamlet until the x8th. Mr. Herman Vezin as the
Prince (the last character he will play here this season) is a careful,
scholarly, and impressive performance. This is to be followed on the
19th by Mary Warner. No relation of Charles."


1Mr. Brown (with a severe cold).-" Do. I SHOULD LIKE TO IBBEDSELY."
Nellie.--"No! I DON'T WANT MR. BROWN TO SEE IT." Ada.-" WHY NOT?"

A Cut Inverse.
11-E cut me out! yet I was not a coat,
Nor he a tailor neither was the act
One that in war is often done by boat,
And in the doing many skulls get crackt!
SNor was it with some "copy" that he wrote
Of news I gave him; or an anecdote,
Which otherwise his paper would have lackt!
Not one of these befell, when thus attack,
He cut me out!
My LOVE was with me; and, in point of fact,
He cut me out with her on whom I doat!
Ah she was formed to conquer and attract,
And I was dumb! my heart was in my throat!
'T was by the sea, and 't was in paper black
He cut me out!

A Club Prejudice.
THE Hercules who tackles the Turf Hydra will find the Jockey
"Club a rather unwieldy weapon for the task, it is to be feared.

NAearly Ready.
One Shilling; by fost, Is. 2d.
Now Ready, price One Shilling. Post-free, IS. 21d.
A Book for Players, Playgoers, and the Public generally. By CHARLES H. Ross.
"The book is the best change for a shilling we have seen for many a day."-
Sunday Times.
Round Table Books-One Shilling each. Post, Is. 2,a.
Their Cards, and How they Played them.
A STANDARD SHILLING BOOK, the first of a series to be called Round Table Books.

Decou CUS.b r
TI~EIt TAR! h t fl il ilT it it

S1 Cocoa thi ckens uin
sold in U the cup, it pr oves I I
.6d& I.. the addition of ES ENCE
Eashk Packet mnust bear the Inventors Address- Neither scratch nor spurt, the points being rounded by a new
ALFRED BIRD, BEIP INGHAM. PURE!! SOLUBLE!!! REFRESHING!!! pr sp rpstree, stamps. Works: Bi
Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.-London, March 9, i88r.

MARCH I6, 1881. FUN. 103


BETWEEN THE BARAQUES AND THE SHOPS. But wise eyes tire of fun and flags,
Sce-wads, an -rdss tdit fw, And wind makes worldlings' noses red;
Whose ge-tees Canine s-wads, dty few, And there are things in Boissier's bags
hos gtelg jandi ohune That spoil one's taste for gingerbread.
Fly southward, courier-rdden crowd. e Are worth-tey' help one make-a stride;
Though prone to stray, one stranger stops Let's cross from baraques to the shops.

Between the baraques and the shops. Oh, simple booths, you symbolize
FLY Nien rs, Pcnes s f A truth that Jean Jacques would not hear;
For pendulous Polichinelle Your cheap enjoyment's only wise
Smiles with an old friend's fervour yet, o longs one can't buy the der.
I know the mirlitons so well! Maybe 'tis better, through plate-glass,
I won such wealth at each roulette Among the Phrynes and the fops,
And back unto a far, dim date- To quiz philosophers who pass
Quite eight years since !-my fancy drops,- Between the baraques and the shops.
Days when we did not hesitate
Between the baraques and the shops.
The booths theinnerstreetsof wood "That e should come to this !"
That lined for miles the streets of stone,- IT is stated that a gentleman who has won two Chester Cups, and
They shrined the joys we understood,- who has had six horses in training, is now reduced to acting as time-
The joys that we could make our own. keeper to the London General Omnibus Company. This ought to be
Our need-which was of boots and shoes ; a warning to persons of sporting proclivities not to follow their own
Our taste-which was for lollipops- judgment, but to rely upon that grand old prophet Trophonius, whose
Were satisfied with simple sous, tips are "a moral." Very possibly the gentleman who has come to
Between the baraques and the shops. grief did not pay attention to morals.
The shops,-what could we bargain there, "Come, it thee down, my bonnie, bonnie La
Served by sleek snobs with smug disdain ? Come, sit thee down, my bon te, bonnie Lass.
Give us the face familiar fair, THE ladies engaged in agitating among drapers for seats for shop-
From Bastille unto Madeleine ; women suggest that gentlemen should do the same with regard to the
The panoramic shows that leap bars and refreshment-rooms they patronize, where girls are on their feet
From gas-balloons to razor-strops; from twelve to fourteen hours daily. We hope the suggestion will be
A cheerful chaos going cheap,- acted upon, for it is high time a stop was put to this long-standing
That made our baraques beat the shops. grievance.


o104 FT

SSHORT comic
S drama, of which
o Mr. Knight Sum-
mers is one of the
L authors, is pro-
S- nised for pro-
S auction at the
S Folly shortly.
S-_ Mr. Toole will
S. play in it, which
S ', \ guarantees run,
so that Mr.
', ~ ; "S Knight Summers
I i may look for-
S''\' l" ward to amusing
S! ^ Ius for many a
: I! summer's night
'l / to come.

S' r. Herman
/ ,I' Merivale's new
L6 play, to be pro-
by Miss Litton, is not Alilwood at all, and has nothing whatever to do
with George Barnwell. It is a modernized version of Faiust, and is to
be followed by a revival of The Old Love and the New, if Fausted from
the play-bill in time.
The Belle's Stratagem will be Mr. Irving's next revival at the Lyceum,
where it will appear on the 17th prox. Miss Ellen Terry will, of course,
bring all her grace to bear upon the angular-I mean angler-Letitia
Hardy, while Mr. Irving will embody the gentleman fished for, the
Dory caught-that is, the Dori-court.

Miss Helen Barry will appear in Mr. Alfred Thompson's Old Home
at the Imperial on Easter Monday. I have been hitherto unaware that
Mr. Thompson ever resided there.

The next piece at the Alhambra, to appear very soon, will be Mr.
Reece's translation of Jeanne, Jeannette et Jeanneton. Madame Dubarry
is a principal figure in the story, and it is expected to Du-barry well.

About the 28th inst., Mr. Wyndham will commence the conduct of
some morning performances of old comedies at the Gaiety. The first
production will be Wild Oats, by O'Sheaf-O'Keefe, I mean-with Mr.
Wyndham as Rover. Every one should see these performances before
they are Rover.
Miss Isabel Bateman will abandon the management of the New Sad-
ler's Wells "as soon as a suitable tenant can be found." According to
the Daily Newas, her reason for taking this step is her desire to devote
herself entirely to her profession as an actress, the duties of management
and acting combined being more than she Is-abel to perform.

Miss Compton, it is understood, joins Miss Bateman's company for
the run of Mary Warner, commencing on Saturday next (19th). They
are in error who suppose the engagement will Comp-ton nothing.

Madame Modjeska's next assumption will be that of the character of
Juliet, a performance which I shall Juliet-tend.

SIR,-No one came with brandy to thaw me last week, so I con-
cluded to come unthawed of my own accord, and make the best (and
rest) of my way to Oxford or Cambridge-whichever it was. It is as
well, perhaps, that people rescued me no more with brandy, for, such
is my kindness of heart, Sir, that I know, rather than give their charitable
yearnings the rude shock of disappointment, I should have continued
getting into difficulties until all time.
When I arrived at my destination I found it was Oxford, and I at once
Tooled down to Folly Bridge. But I have always found the best place
for observation to be Iffley Lock, where there is excellent beer and the
coziest parlour. There is nothing like local opinion for giving one an
idea of the case, and, as all sorts of gossip concerning the event goes
forward in this parlour, I feel I couldn't serve your interests better than
by sitting in it and keeping my ears open all day (all day, mark you;
so that the beer bill you will have to pay is not so very long-con-
sidering). I've been at Iffley three days, and am unanimously of
opinion that Oxford will take the prize.


MARCH 16, 1881.

Later.-I am now on my way to Cambridge to collect more local
opinion, and, to beguile the tedium of the journey, I turn nmy mental
eyes towards Birmingham, and compose the following
A rug it was over his knees,
His head it was cozily cap't,
His limbs they were wrapped in a garment of frieze,
His face it was equally rapt.
His penetrant glances bespoke
A calm and unbendable nerve
(I paint, with a mighty and masterly stroke,
The Prophet, you '11 plainly observe).
And these were the luminous thoughts
That lit the prophetical brain-
"Antient Pistol should win, but, if ranked with the noughtss,'
You '11 find it the Thunderstone's gain;
Then Gunlock you mustn't despise,
Nor grudge any cash to Advance,
But if the Old Man were compelled to advise,
He'd look to Lord Clive for his chance."
Later still, Cambridge.-I 've been here three days now. I've found
a very nice place to collect local opinion in, and the beer isn't bad, but
the people aren't very polite. "Prying old hunks !" is the mildest I
get, and allusions to my red nose and irregularities of gait are numerous
and frequent. But calumny and low abuse are the lot of all who hold
high positions, so I only suffer the common lot-and a precious common
lot they are I think I've heard somewhere that the Cantabs were
fined fifty marks some time ago-A.D. 1225-for "having their liber-
ties;" all I can say is they take considerable liberties with me, for which
I should like to see them fined a good deal more than fifty marks. With
regard to the race, after three days' experience of local ideas on the
subject, I am unanimously of opinion that Cambridge will win.
At Westminister, over the Lords' Course, the Candahar Retention
Stakes resulted in the victory of Lord Lytton's Resolution, the Govern-
ment representative coming off second best; the winner will, however,
in all probability be disqualified.
The second heat of the Irish Nursery (people-in-arms) Plate was run
over the Commons on the 2nd and 3rd. Sir W. Harcourt on Peace
Preservation made the running at once, pressed pretty closely by
Amendment (Justin McCarthy up), the ruck of the Irish lot keeping
behind the latter, Solicitor-General attending Sir William. About
midway Passion bolted with Dillon, kicking in all directions, and causing
considerable dismay among the representatives of the Sister Isle, several
ultra-radicals having to.edge off a bit. Harcourt seized the opportunity
and plied the whip with effect. At this point Healy, persistently steer-
ing out of the course, was promptly disqualified, and had to retire.
This order was kept for awhile, when Parnell put in an appearance on
Sleek and Sly (late Better Part of Valour), but was quietly put out by
Henry on Common Sense, and a whip all round resulted in an easy
victory for Sir William.
Mr. Childers's Army Alterations was trotted round the ring, and
elicited a good deal of favourable comment; it is a good, serviceable
animal. Peace Preservation has been doing some hurdle practice in
Committee. Yours, etc. TROPHONIUS.
Wednesday last. _______

Dramatic Mem.
MR. IRVIN( has announced that the stalls at the Lyceum, when
Mr. Booth appears, will be 21s. Clearly, then, he does not regard the
engagement of a Booth as at all a Tent-ative arrangement It is, to say
the least, a "twenty-one-ative" one !

Allaz i Gauche !
WHY could not the monarchical instinct of our Special Ambassador
to the Porte be depended on were he to be sent to Paris ?-Because in
Paris his "left or Republican tendencies could scarcely fail to appear,
seeing he would be a pronounced Gauche-un !"

Quid Rides?
THE Patriotic Association does well to hold its meetings at the Duke
of Wellington's "Riding-School." They could not find a safer place
in which to "ride the high horse and mount their spirited "hobby."

Proverbial Advice.
"Do not carry coals to Newcastle!" is a warning we have all heard.
Would that our journalists and penny-a-liners had taken to heart the
somewhat similar counsel, "Do not shout out anecdotal rubbish at
Carlyle !"

MARCH 16, 1881.


WHENEVER with my Muse I toy,
And scribble what I chance to think,
I would not for the world employ
Inferior paper, pens, or ink.
Behold me, seated at my desk!
Let Fancy only bid me start
Some lines pathetic or burlesque-
I 've all the weapons of my art.
This paper wafts my words away,
My ev'ry thought from pole to zone;
(And, let my words be what they may,
My thoughts at least are all my own.)
No earthly paper that I know
Can possibly with mine compare.
I bought a ream, a week ago,
Of Messrs. Dash-no matter where.
This ink, which echoes ev'ry sigh
Of love, and anguish, and remorse
(Appropriately blue in dye,
And best in quality, of course),
I got at some superior shop
In Blank Street, and methinks the name
Was-wait a bit; one second stop !-
Well, never mind; it's all the same.
These pens-metallic and of quill-
Which give to print my lofty rhyme,
Have been the agents of my will
For some considerable time.
They 're excellent-yet not a trace
Of where they came from I possess :-
I seem to recollect the place,
But can't remember the address.
How splendid are the goods they sell,
These folks with whom I love to deal !-
'T would not have been to treat them well,
Were I their merits to conceal.
And if my little puff they prize,
Their bounden duty is, I think,
To send me, gralis, new supplies
Of paper and of pens and ink.

PETTY LAWSON-Y.-Appropriating old "Joe Millers."
A RUM Go.-Taking away the Jack Tar's "go" of rum.


THE DUDLEY GALLERY.-This exhibition of water-colour pictures
may be lacking in works by the most popular painters, or in pictures of
any striking prominence, and may possess some of very mediocre cha-
racter-such accidents will happen in the best regulated galleries-yet
there are many highly meritorious works by well-known and worthy
men, and also by comparatively unknown artists who only need oppor-
tunity and patronage to prove their possession of conspicuous ability.
Among the noteworthy works in figure subjects we may point to "Bring-
ing in the Peacock," by Percy Macquoid ; "Leonisa," J. H. Henshall;
"The way the Money goes," John White; "Three Studies of Mare
Morot," Bertha Newcome; and landscapes, "Ploughing," W. Pilsbury;
"Going to Tryst," Percy Tarrant; "Hay Field," John McDougal;
"Hurley Lock," by H. Dalziel; "A Corn Field," F. A. Fraser; and
"Autumn," R. W. Fraser.
THE INSTITUTE OF ART has some highly creditable pictures and
water-colour drawings; also needlework and other examples of art
workmanship; many specimens in each department showing both great
skill and great talent, which space will not permit us to particularize.

IT is reported from Billingsgate that soles have risen considerably in
price and decreased considerably in size. It is further reported that the
paltry specimens now coming into the market are of the kind known to
the trade as "tongues," from which it would appear that Billingsgate
soles are half fish and half boot-since laced boots have tongues, whilst
fish, we fancy, have none. But, whether fish or boot, we must protest
against soles that have risen in price being called "tongues" any longer :
they ought to be called "gone-iqupers."
Ace of Trumps.

IN the case of Roberts v. Richards, the plaintiff possessed an estate
through which flowed a small streamlet till it came to the defendant's
property, when it passed along his border for a short distance and again
wholly re-entered the land of the plaintiff. The defendant had tapped
the stream by means of a pipe, which was so large that the plaintiff was
often left without water at all. It seems that the main point was whethther
or no the stream was natural, and it being decided that it was, the
plaintiff has lost the case in addition to the water, which seems cAx-streamly
Speaking at Bradford, Mr. Illingworth, M.P'., condemned the reso-
lution passed by the House of Lords on the retention of Candahar as
being directly in the teeth of public opinion. We suppose he used the
expression "in the teeth," owing to there having been so much /irw on
the subject.
The Home Secretary has informed the convict Benson, in reply to his
memorial praying for a remission of his sentence on the ground of ill
health, that he cannot accede to his request. Sir William IHarcourt
evidently knows that To Oblige Benson is a farce.
Owing to some legal difficulties, the electric lighting of that portion
of the City, including Southwark Bridge, Queen Victoria Street, Queen
Street, and Queen Street Place, will be delayed a month, the experiment to
be commenced on May 1st. This is doubtless for the best, as it would
have been suggestive to the opposers of the scheme to begin on the ist
of April.
A fish salesman, named Stevenson, prosecuted by the Board of Cus-
toms for exporting salmon without giving notice, stigmatized the pro-
secution as a "shabby mean proceeding on the part of the solicitor to the
Board," for which he was fined Z2o, instead ofio, the line Sir A. Lusk
had intended to inflict. Evidently Sir Andrew is not an admirer of
Billingsgate language, nor is the defendant of its Customs, neither being
over re-fine-ed.

io6 FUUNT. MARCH 16, 1881.

It is not your every-day man who is fitted to shine as an Irish Agitator. Your I.A. must have special and peculiar physical qualities.


First, he must (when at liberty) possess an iron constitution fitted for any number of turbulent agrarian meetings per day then he must have a leather-like and
undamageable development of lung, to allow of his roaring all day and every day. Next, he must boast of an arm fitted to wield untiringly the heaviest pike.

So that he shall be surrounded in his confinement with many little comforts and with friends; and let out before his time; his robustness awaiting him outside the
prison gates to be re-assumed like to a mantle.

FU1 N .-MARCH I6, i88x.



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