PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS) BY T. MOFFITT,
153, FLEET STREET, E.C.
THE Commune was in full swing. First of all, money, land, and all
other property had been divided into equal portions, and fairly allotted to
all; then all titles and other social distinctions had been abolished, and all
men had become brothers and equals.
For about five good minutes things had remained in this state, but in
ten minutes a few dozen of the sharper brethren had annexed (by
DO coaxing, swindling, fair superiority, or otherwise) the portions of a few
dozen of the blunter ones, and by the middle of the day some few
millions of those blunter ones had found themselves without a rap, and
compelled to labour for those sharper ones for hire.
But these stupider ones held a great meeting in the evening to declare
0 that this sort of thing would not do ; they expressed themselves entirely
satisfied with the theory of the Communistic programme and with its
practical arrangements-as far as they went; but it was evident, even to
their not very clear intellects, that they had omitted one important factor,
without which the scheme could never be wholly satisfactory. But the
question was, What was this factor? They put all their stupid heads
together but could not discover the thing needed; and, meanwhile, it was
S agreed that there must be a revolution and redistribution of property in
S the morning.
0 This duly took place : but really without very great bloodshed con-
sidering; and, agam, for the first five minutes all went in accordance
S1with the programme; but, again, in the next five many of the stupider had
parted with their all to many of the sharper; and again by midday all
was as before. So there was another indignation in the evening, at which
it was decided that everyone with any brains must be executed for the
S good of the community. But next morning, just as the sharper ones were
being deprived of their wealth, preparatory to being conducted to the
gallows, the great FUN burst upon the gaze of the multitude.
Peace !" he cried. So you cannot discover the Great Factor which
you have omitted, and without which your Commune must be a dead
We cannot. Tell us the Factor!" cried the awe-stricken multitude.
"The Factor," said FUN,, is the Equal Division of Brains."
But how shall this be attained ?" cried the throng.
At this moment a fair maiden was soon to approach, her eyes fixed
steadfastly on a book.
"This lady," said FUN, has discovered the secret. Her name is Com-
mon Sense-for Common Sense is as fair as rare-and she will lend you
that Book wherein the secret is. Read that Book, and it will raise the
brains of all of you to an exact level-the level of the highest attainable
The Book was the THIRTY-SECOND VOLUME OF THE NEW
SERIES OF FUN.
I 7 l, ,5 Ie= N1i s
AoENT's Little Failing (The), 83
Anti-Vivisector on the Moors (An), 110
Author (The), 135
Ar-tish-oo I 180
Age and Beauty, 935
An Objection, 252
BY the Sad Sea Waves, 70
By the River, 79
Battered Pupil (The), 191
CRUEL Blow (A), 83
Complete Political Nursery Rhymester
Captain of the Dinner War, 48
Clowning for a Laugh, 67
Channel Islands (The), 1655
Concerning a Fraud, 161
Corroborative Testimony, 179
Company's Catspaw (The), 231
Carols of Cloudland (The), (1), 120;
(2), "Behind the Seer.es," 125
Curt Comments, 12, 21, 31, 43, 60, 62, 74,
101, 110, 121, 130, 149, 159, 173, 183,
203, 216, 223, 233
Corker's Little Joke, 252
Door Mat (The), 41
Durable Patient (The), 201
Dark Doings, 255
Dots by the Way-
The Irish Party, 109
The State of Ireland, 190
EXPERIENCE of the Supernatural (An),
Economic Manufacture of Verse (The),
Exodus of the Statues (The), 99 [84
End of the Session (The), 139
Extracts from the Diary of a Railway
FUN and Truth, 1
First Results of the Conference, 38
Flower Craze (The), 51
Famous Victoree (A), 90
GIVE and Take, 8
Gladstone's Yarn, 105
Glutton's Confession (The), 141
Hanging on Hand, 89
Holding On, 171
History Made Easy, 210
IX.tOMSIA, 11 [(The), 23
Intelligent Foreigner at Wimbledon
Important News, 75
la the Garden, 91
Irish Atrocities, 93
Infant Prodigy (An), 102
Intelligent Foreigner Afloat (The), 199
KARIQUEY Ihe Cricketer, 17
Kissing or Kicking Them, 95
LATEST from the Police Courts (The), 1t
LAw v. Consience, 75
Landsman's Log (A), 105
I.inas for Music," 144
Little Change (A), 170
Lesson in Love (A), 205
L.A.O. Assault-at-Arms (The), 209
Leaf from the Green Isle (A), 211
Lyceum Brothers (The), 214
"Like Cures Like," 225
Likely Tales-The Clever Committee, 189
London Athletic Club Meating (The),
"Light Fantastic" at the "Folly"
MY Best Tine, 17
Master Tommy's Feast, 59
Modem Oracle (A), 105
Meniallies. 119, 129
Mr. Fux'S Panacea, 165
Madge or May-Which Shall It Be ? 169
Mild Grumb'e (A), 181
Motionless Maiden (The), 185
Mfacaronies la Mode, 210
Muffin Man's Moan (The), 240
NEW Arrival (The), 47
Nets and Cages, 145
Naval Demonstration (The), 149
Not Quite the Same After All I 213
New Shan von Voght" (The), 234
OUR Pailiomentary Notices, 2, 19, 27, 37,
57, 64, 73, 91, 94, 104,
Our Extra-Special at Lord's, 7 ; Goes a-
Yachting, 12; Completes His Cruise.
37; And His Sporting M.P.'s, 42;
And His Bee-Cab, 52 and 94; Goes a-
Sea-siding, 80; Goes a-Waggoning,
109; Tries to be Arcadian, 120; With
Sir Beauchamp Seymour, 124; Pro-
gramme for the European Concert,
141 ; Dines with the Australian
Cricketers, 150; Goes to See the
Sultan, 160; Sees Abdul Hamid, 164;
And the Huzmuz Backadore. 180,
Heads the Men-in-Armour, 190; And
His Tragedy, 194; At the Champion
Sculling Match, 204; And His Fat
Bullock, 224, 240; And His Christmas
Number, 246; On a Practical Legal
Opinions of the Press, 49
Oar Kitten, 95
One Too Many for 'Em, 131
On Guy's, 174 [and Results, 221
On the Incommensurability of Means
PARLIAIIENTARY Lay (A), 83
Pat chwork, so
Putting It Off, 100
Pl, assures of Youth (The). 143
Pauper Plenipotentiary (The), 1841
Private Peep at the Princess's (A), 200
Pantomime Peculiarities, 256
QUAINT Conceit (A), 221
RIENISH Wine, 113
Reasonable Requirements, 211
Reduced Spectre (The), 251
SUMosn Blow (A), 58
Seeking a Resort, 123
Society's Favourite, 119
Sweetness and Light," 170
Shunted Shelter (The), 175
Sir Trout: a Fable, 219
Sublime Achievement (A), 220
Slave Driver on the Brain, 229
Some Christmas Rime, 243
Stern Republican (The), 267
Sock and Buskin, 2, 22, 32, 69, 74, 124,
134, 154,164,174,184,204, 214, 224, 234,
TEA-TOTAL Song (A), 27
Tennis Agony (A), 37
This Mercenary World, 69
That Dame with the Bag, 80
To Mutton, 115
Tragedy Rehearsed (A), 1384
Temple Bar Memorial (The), 163
Their Notions of Honour, 185
That Wicked Man Again, 195
To My Darling, 225
Turf Cuttings, 13, 22, 32, 47, 61, 79, 89,
104, 111, 144, 159, 169, 179, 189, 194,
209, 220, 229
Those Savages, 239
UNPUNISHIADLE Juvenile (The), 151
Unfortunate Youth (An), 256
VAIN Regrets, 43
Very Hard Lines, 48
Violent Check (A), 71
Via Inertim, 244
"WORLD (The)," 74
Wholly Unaccountable, 111
Wife of the Future (A), 154
Willy's Grievances, 215
UTTER Impossibility (An), 241
AWKWARD Incident (An), 4
"After the Ball," or, the Green Roone
in the Cricket Field, 7
And He Didn't Seem to Like It," 48
August Mem (An) to the Grouse, 64
At Mudville-on-Sea, 70
Avast There I 72
Awful Suggestion, 80
Any Reason Better than None, 82
All the Fashion, 102
And He got Whacked for It," 140
Art of Politeness (The), 193
Another Perverter of the Truth, 201
At a Children's Party, 253
And yet they are Uncivil at Times, 254
Alphabetical Highmindedness, 261
BILL of Fiction ( ;), 3
Better than Nothing, 92
Beyond Reason, .122
Beautiful Spot (Al, 120
Betrothed (The), 152
"Cheering," 62 [99
Commencement of the Shooting Season
Cockney Hit and Scottish Mist (A), 112
Cheap and Nasty, 113
Can't Stand Fire," 223
Cabbin'-it Counsel, 232
Coming Generation of the Foinest Pis-
entry in the World (The), 233
Direct Cut (The), 173
EXPRESSiON Continued, 34
Every Man Has Hie Price, 73
Every Man in His Place, 285
FASHIoNs for all Sorts of Months (The),
Fiat Experimentum, 202 [44
GUIDE Bookers Again, 156
HE Don't Chews," 60
Happy Thouehts at a Fashionable Ger-
man Spa, 85
Haven of Best (A), 86
Hard Case (A), 100 [138
How Some People Spend Their Holidays,
Hungry and Angry, 163
Having a Go at It, 192
How to Deal with Ireland, 196
Hard Times in Ould Erin, 230
Is Dat o ?" 18
Ilish Question (The), 93
It is time the Black Sheep were weedE d
out if the Force."-Daily Paper, 105
Illustrated Poem, 162
Inquisitive Cissy, 185
Ignominious End (An), 206
LITTLE Rascal (The)," Sit
Long and the Short of it (The), 38
Like a Bird, 195
Last Words, 242
Limits of Politeness (The), 258
MOAE on the Subject of Expression, 24
More than Seven," 28
Midsummer Madness, '80
Many Thanks, 81
Mean Advantage (A), IC6
Most Distressful'Countree (The)," 110
More Ways Than One, 145
Mauy-ton(e)ous Precentor (A), 155
Men we Hate (The), 176
Make no Error I 215
'" NASTY Little Thing," 41
Notes at an Old Inn, 116
Not Quite What He Meant, Though, 120
Natural Law (A), 121
"New Way to Pay Old Debts (A)," 165
No False Modesty, 213
ON the Subject of Expression in Pro-
fessional Models, 14
"Oh, a Peasant's Life for Me," 31
One Way of Describing Him, 53
Our Regatta at Little Mudport, 61
On Expression Once More, 63
One Pleasure More, 75
Only a Try on for a Kiss, 1 0
One Touch of Nature," &c., 5
Our Naval Demonstration, 130
One to Grandmother," 132
On Canine Attachment, 136
On the Premises" Question (The', t6S
One for His Nob, 203
0 Fish-us, 210
PASTIMES on the Thames, 54
Picnic Pleasures. 143
Pronounced Failure (A), 172
Public Monuments for the Engl'sh, 216
Pleasant Parishioner (A), 252
Profitable Undertaking, 256
QUITE Content, 8
REGULAR Poser (A)," 19
Rules of Contrary (The), 182
STRAY Shot (A)." 20
Scamp (The)-And Only Married a
Fortnight, Too! 40
Seaside Book (The)," 59
Sunday at the Seaside, 71
Sweets of Riot (The)," 89
"Sea View," 103
School Board Motto (The), 115
Seaside Amusements, 123 [150
Suggestion for Impecunious Parties (A),
Something in That, 183
Some Newspaper Headings, 186
Suppression of Drunkenness Question
Shooting Influence of Plants (The), 236
STAKE It for a Sign," 10
Trusty Animal (A), 51
That Iceberg Business, 76
That Sandwich, 56
To Be or Not To Be, 125
That Boy Again, 149
There is a iUse for Everything," 170
True Generosity, 180
That Habit of Circumnutation, 226
Turn of the Scale (A), 244
There's a Use for Everything, 962
(VOLUNTEER) Force of Habit (The), 32
Very True, 83
Valuable Opinions on the ForgetfulneEs
WHY He Left Home, 11
Wheel or Woa, 142
Weather (The), 153
What Boots It 1 190
Warning to Loveis (A), 2 2
Waits and Weights (The)," 235
YouNG 'UN's Right Thouehts (A), 43
Youd Hardly Believe It, Though," 60
At the Seaside-A Holiday Dream, 67
Caught in the Act, 177
City Obstruction Game (The), 207
Cnristmas, the Magician, 248
Feat of Strength (A), 5
Irish Disturbance," 35
Irish Grievance Grinder (The), 137
Irish Pantomime, 259
Keeping It Up, 97
Last Appeal (The), 117
Led Astray, 166
Lord Mayor's Day, 187
Lady Customers, 227
Michaelmas Study (A), 127
Mr. Gladstone and His Critics, 197
Rowdies of the River (St. Stephen's)
Race for Life (A), 157
Stamping It Out, 55
Stubborn Ass (The), 147
Shutting Them Up, 237
Trying to Bowl Him Out, 15
Tit for Tat, 45
Westminster Rifle Meeting (The), 25
What Things are Coming To, 217
FUN AND TRUTH.
FUN's efforts to aid the exertions of Truth
Are pretty well known by to-day;
He's worshipped the lady, in fact, from his youth
And studied her every day.
She lives far apart from the garrulous throng-
Away from the general road-
But FuN, an explorer who never goes wrong,
Quite easily found her abode.
A well is her lodging, unfathomed and still,
And the task is more easy in sooth
To mount to the top of hyperbole's hill
Than descend to the depths of the truth.
At times we obtain a supply from her spring,
Refreshing these regions on high,
N But oh, as a rule, it's a palpable thing
She leaves us uncommonly dry.
Though not of her will--it would gladden her soul
If mortals would flock to her brink;
But water that's drawn from her fount, on the whole,
Is scarcely a popular drink.
Its scintillant purity fails to attract
The vitiate taste of the throng-
The vitiate taste, as a matter of fact,
Inclining to something that's strong.
Some aid she obtains of inferior worth
From a few who her tenets would cull,
But they spill them and spoil them and mix them with earth,
Till the liquid is muddy and dull.
To such-feeling, sadly, no better may be-
She yields a reluctantsupply,
But to FUN she gives joyfully, knowing that he
Is staunchly her truest ally.
For FuN takes the truth where it never would go
Without his unwavering aid,
And truth makes his humour more brilliantly glow-
His wit be more brightly displayed.
In volumes the Waters of Truth from her springs
She yields to her favourite, who
Two volumes a year to society brings-
This volume is Vol. XXXII.
VwL XXXll.--O. 791.
[JULY 7, 1880.7'
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
ratess of Ten-s
zrance are cer-
tainly very droll
p customers, it
hurts my feelings
m people call them
f the funniest
i things their au-
thors have done
-because I don't
think they are.
h P When I saw
e p'. them there were
-, athe first act when
I thought them
S even dull (speak-
ing always in the
ff ace of the dan-
of Messrs. Gil-
bert and Sullivan
The second act is no doubt very funny from end to end; all the
policeman business is genuine, original, andirresistible humour. The
main idea of the piece is ingeniously comical, the treatment is comical,
and the story is briskly and clearly told ; but it is ot so continuously
funny as the same authors' first trifle, Trial by Jury, even ; certainly
it doesn't come up to their masterpiece, The Sorcerer.
My idea is that the modern costume of the last-named pieces tickled
the mind with a sort of quaint incongruity with its operatic
surroundings, which is lost in the comparatively "usual" dresses of
The pirates. I feel confirmed in this idea by the marked success of
the policeman scenes in the latter.
I am too late in the field to care to indulge in any remarks on the
acting: praises all round have gone forth, and (with a few mental re-
.. *I;.r.,, I endorse them. I have two remarks to make, though. I
presume the few musical phrases uttered by Mabel on her first entry are
intended as a burlesque upon the florid school of operatic heroine.
If I am correct, I think Miss Hood scarcely makes that sufficiently
plain, and so loses a point" to start with, as well as runs the risk of
being thought an inferior singer, which she is not.
The other remark I have to make concerns the representative of
Edith. I make it because I have seen no reference to her elsewhere,
and I think she deserves at least a word. A lady with anything like
personal attractions will usually find her talents at, at least, their full
value by the audience, but in this instance there is more in it. The
part of Edith is a small one, but, without at all obtruding herself or
going beyond the scope of the part, Miss Julia Gwynne makes it both
amusing and distinctive.
There is something I want to know, though :-How is it that Major-
General Stanley, who betrays such thrilling anxiety, on occasions,
to obtain correct rhyme, yet with perfect placidity attempts to rhyme
mineral" and general" P It is not to be done successfully by
any human being-short of an Irishman.
From what I know of Mr. W. S. Gilbert's reverence for rhyme, I
entertain a suspicion that he must have written generall."
THEATRES AND PLACES OF AMUSEMrIENT.
THE VAUDEVILLE.-T e Guv'nor, a farcical comedy, is the last new
production at this house. Messrs. James and Thorne both play their
parts most admirably, but it is a pity the get-up of Mr. Thorne
in the early scenes is so very dirty, for it adds to the utter absurdity of
his ever having been the object of Mrs. Butterscotch's affections ; but
the piece is very amusing, and provokes bursts of laughter. As a
work, it will in no way hold comparison with the piece that precedes
it, One Touch of Nature, by Benjamin Webster, which is most admir-
ably acted by Mr. Hargrave and Miss Illington.
TuE CRYSTAL PALACE follow up their great success of the Handel
Festival with one novelty after another in such rapid succession that it is
difficult to keep pace with the ever-changing bill of fare. Last week was
full of important events-Juvenile Bands' Competition, Sunday School
Centenary Celebration, Masonic Boys' SchoolDinner, Great Firework
Display, Archery Fite, Rose Show and German Gymnastic Society
Fite, "Frikell," "Mammon,". &c., &c. ; while the present week had
on Monday its, Variety Eniterthaiiam.-t. and has f.r further special
attractions on Thurstday the great arnn.ji Police F"te, and on Satur-
day the distribution of prizes to the pupils of. the Royal Normal
College for the Blind, by the Duchess of Connaight.
Other places of entertainment offer similarly attractive programmes
-notably, the Alexandra Palace, with Operettas, Myers' Hippo-
drome and Juvenile Equestrian Pantomime (drawing to a close), Zaeo,
and the A P. Races. On Monday andi Tuesday of the present week-
The Trotting Meeting, the Hanlon Lees and Agoust, and, lastly, the
Rose Show on Saturday.
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
BY being for the final time perused, on Thursday last,
The Bill concerning Burials eventually passed;
The freedom of its passage there was little for to mar,
Though Peterborough's Bishop and the Primate had a spar.
On Friday night Lord Houghton introduced his Bill that tries
Deceased-Wife's-Sisters' marriages to firmly legalise,
And though my Lords rejected it, that's nothing to appal,
'Twas done by a majority encouragingly small.
On Monday their performances were wonderful and vast,
They sat for forty minutes-and accomplished them at last!
On Tuesday resolutions were adopted, making less
Some manifest discomforts of reporters for the press.
On Wednesday they occupied the sitting with the case
Of the Member for Northampton, who desired to take his place;
But they read a resolution his intentions for to mar,
Then they let him speak protestingly about it at the bar;
But when he said he would come in, they met him with the shock
Of a warrant of the Speaker and a prison in the clock.
On Thursday night again was Mr. Bradlaugh in the van
(How splendidly Conservatives do advertise the man !),
Sir Stafford Northcote moving (and he "spoke a little piece ")
A resolution giving Mr. Bradlaugh his release ;
He hinted, half-imploringly, to him they've made a foe,
" Now do be good-don't bother us-now, there, we'll let you go."
But Mr. Labouchere remarked-his words were very plain-
" If Mr. Bradlaugh is released he's coming here again."
Conservatives are finding out that Mr. B.'s no joke,
And some of them, we've not a doubt, are sorry that they spoke" ;
They're rather loth to carry to its logical effect
Their conduct, which has had results they didn't quite expect.
How limited the distance, this emphatically shows,
The average Conservative can see beyond his nose.
They've turned it to advantage, though, we're ready to confess,
Embarrassing the Government with something like success.
Then Mr. Gladstone's Budget Bill a second time was read-
The clause concerning wines of France is knocked upon the head
(To say it is postponed awhile would, perhaps, be more discreet;
Negotiations being for the present incomplete).
On Friday, on the motion, they adjourned debate until
The Tuesday, on "Disturbances and Compensation Bill."
Next came a resolution put by Mr. Stevenson,
For closing pubs on Sundays, but it wasn't to be done.
Amendment put by Mr. Pease, and carried by the pow'rs,
Approving of their being closed except at certain hours.
On Monday Mr. Gladstone said that he intended to
Propose a resolution on the Thursday with the view
Of letting any Members who to swear in" might be loth
Make simple affirmation," and excusing them the oath.
And Sir Stafford, on the Tuesday, when the proper moment came,
Gave notice of a motion for opposing of the same;
But Mr. Gorst went further in a-putting down his foot-
He means to ask the Speaker if it even can be put.
Debate upon Disturbances and Compensation Bill"
Was then resumed, and occupied our legislators till
The sitting was suspended, and the fact we must deplore
That it doesn't seem much nearer to the finish than before.
'Twas thus they spent the morning; in the evening they met,
But to any sort of business they were fated not to get;
Though Mr. D. O'Conor did commence a speech to spout,
But there wasn't forty Members, and the House was counted out.
On Thursday night the Bradlaugh matter settled was at last-
Mr. Gladstone's resolutions on the subject being passed;
They provide that any Member may affirm-without the oath-
Which the rest of them must quietly permit, however loth.
And, if his right to do so should exhibit any flaw,
The thing must be decided in a Court of Common Law,
Away from party feeling-which we hope may be the means
Of reducing business-interrupting, begging-question scenes.
JULY 7, 1880.]
A NEW PLAY-GROUND.
THE necessity of more open spaces suitable for affording recreation-
grounds for our teeming juvenile population becomes every day more
apparent. The blindest of misanthropes finds it difficult to shut his
eyes to the fact that the private doorsteps and front gardens of him-
self and his neighbours are growing daily more inadequate to meet
the demands of our young and vagrant friends. Who does not rejoice
to be awoke in the early morning succeeding a heavy night's labour
by the shrill and joyous howls of the young and innocent engaged in
playing cross-touch over his flower beds ? Who can remain unmoved
at the hammering of little boots up and down his front steps ? Let
the heedless and unthinking stop his ears as he may, the voices of
our young citizens steal upon his tympanum, and are not to be kept
It is with joy, therefore, that the ratepayer with tender corns, press-
ing business, or delicate ears will learn of the opening of three new
recreation-grounds for our young friends. This happy event took
place, with much rejoicing, the other Saturday, when Wandsworth,
Putney, and Hammersmith Bridges were successfully declared free.
Need we say that the swarms of innocents, hitherto cruelly deterred
by the harsh inflexible halfpenny, at once took possession of the
bridges, while war-whoops, yells, howls, screams, shrieks, bellows,
hob-nailed boots, mud, matted hair, general filthiness, perambulators,
SuRE Parliament is talking' now,
So now's the time for talking' ;
We'll have our say, and smile and bow,
While purty plans we're baulkin'.
The Spaker, in his gown and wig,
Looks grand, and tries to frown, boys.
Whoop Let him look his biggest big,
He'll never put us down, boys.
For there's Parnell, the heaven-sent-
The darlint and the beauty-
He says we mustn't pay no rent,
And that's a pleasant duty.
Och now's the time to have our way,
Though Parliament is sitting ,
What rarey fun no rent to pay !
While famine help we're getting .
Now, let the nate shillelagh spin,
Your coat-tail, boys, be trailing,
For straight we go, and mean to win,
And laugh while fools are wailing.
We come from Cork and Ballasheald,
From Derry and Dungornin,
And we're the boys that never yield,
But fight from night till morning .
Sing high, sing low, go row-de-dow,
The sun shines bright and cheery,
The strong, brave men are round us now-
O'Biggar, Nolan, Leary;
'We'll hold our own, say what they may,
And have the people's rightin';
0 gorrah there'll be such a fray!
Then whoop, boys, now for fighting .
The Result of the Wallingford Petition.
WHAT a pity the Bill for the Preservation of Small
Birds was not pressed on through the Commons with
more speed. It will now be too late to save the smallest
bird of all. The House has already lost its Wren."
EVEN his new Budget, say 'Mr. Gladstone's enemies,
we owe mainly to his thoughts being constantly engrossed
by the Russian Bear. This is plain, they add, because
nearly all his fiscal arrangements turn on "Bruin."
Hold Yard There P
IN disputed cab fare cases distances are referred to
the police for measurement. Do the latter make their
"Scotland Yard" their lineal standard ?
CAUTION TO THOSE WHO GO TO SLEEP ON RAILWAY
JOtNEwRs.-Trains, as a rule, run over sleepers."
and a multitude of other innocent joys rendered it hot for the venture-
some wayfarer. Surely, however, the luxurious requirements of a
few thousand ratepayers should not be allowed to stand in the way
of the enjoyment of the (we speak without exaggeration) dozens of
happy little ones who look upon the bridges as their birthright ? No ;
the ratepayer who has the faintest shadow of a heart will fill his ears
with wool, pack his corns in rolls of flannel, don his oldest and least
damageable clothes, provide himself with a stout umbrella as a shield,
and joyously force a passage across his particular bridge on his way to
business. The sour and misanthropic can, on the other hand, take the
ferry; and we don't mind saying (in confidence) that we mean to enter
into negotiations with a ferryman or two, with a view to securing a
share in his takings.
The Cricket Season.
SCENE:-The practice-ground, Regent's Park. Balls flying about in all
directions. Two cynics stroll past, shouts of ", thank you, thank you,"
resounding on all sides.
FIRST CYNIC :-These acknowledgments, methinks, are somewhat
premature ; the thanks precede the service that is rendered in throwing
up the ball.
SECOND CYNIc:-True; they serve to illustrate the proverb,
" Gratitude is a lively sense of favours to come."
I' ~I JTUUPI 1I SMT AM -
A BILL OF FICTION.
Old Gent (anxious to dine sumptuously, scanning list of luxuries) :-" CURRIED
FOWL AND RICE, AND A MUTTON CUTLET TO FOLLOW, WAITER."
Waiter :-" FOWL'S ALL GONE, SI4, BUT WE'VE GOT A NICE CUT OF ROAST
Old Gent: --"WELL, THEN, I'LL HAVE HASHED VENISON OR BOILED
Waiter:-" THE HASHES IS JUST OFF, SIR, BUT YOU CAN HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
cur OF ROAST HUTTON."
Old Gent :-" BOTHER YOUR ROAST HUTTON! LET ME HAVE A PORK CHOP
Waiter :-" VERY SORRY, SIR, BUT THAT'S A MISTAKE ; OUGHTN'T TO HATE
BEEN IN THE BILL, SIR."
Old Gent:-" CONFOUND IT, THEN, WHAT CAN I HAVE?"
Waiter :-" WELL, WE CAN LET YOU HAVE A 'SPLENDID' CUT OF ROAST
HUTTON, SIR "
4 FU N. [JULY 7, 1880.
AN AWKWARD INCIDENT. (RETAILED BY OUR OWN CONF- LI-.)
Very painful mistake, that, which occurred at freeing of bridges the other day. It seems that by some mistake man at toll hadn't been informed of arrangements.
to -^ ^ ^ ^ i._-r -
" Toll one shilling, eh 1" said the Prince of W- "Dear me-very awkward!
Fact is, haven't a single coin about me."
Prince's coachman-trusty servant, too-hadn't blessed farthing on him!
Bridge-fellow wouldn't accept Eoyal Highness' hat either!
Curiously, too, none of suite had brought any money either.
Matters grew strained.
" Nothing for it," whispered Prince; have to make bolt through, y' know!"
And, by Jove, sir, they had to! Very awkward incident-blunder somewhere.
I d il l i i l Ii aii r .
1I ]-FUN.-JULT 7, 1880.
A FEAT OF STRENGTH;
CARRYING HIM OVER,
JULY 7, 1880.]
"AFTER THE BALL"; OR, THE GREEN ROOM IN THE CRICKET FIELD.
A SKETCH AT THE ETON AND MIDDLESEX GROUND.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT LORD'S.
ONE of the most satisfactory peculiarities of your Extra-Special,
sir, is his readiness* to go anywhere and write anything. If, for
instance, you told him to go to Jericho and right the wrongs of the
down-trodden donkey drivers of that once flourishing borough, he
would immediately proceed to carry out your instructions. So, too,
sir, were you to suggest the desirability of his doing even a crater "
work-he alludes to the ascent of Mount Vesuvius by the F1unicular
railway (an extra-specially suitable mode of conveyance for him, by-
the-bye)-he would start, not merely with emotion, but by the tidal
mail forthwith. In a similar way, again, sir, were he--
[The next 75 lines are dele'd" by our order, as they refer to
hypothetical commissions which it will be time enough'to talk about
when they are actually undertaken. Such lengthy prefatorial
remarks are uncalled for, and will, in this case, be unpaid for like-
It follows, sir, that I was one of the earliest arrivals at "Lord's on
Monday 28th ult., andfound time to explain to an enthusiastic party of
light-blue ladies whom I escorted that the creases" in the ground
were all smoothed out before the game began; as well as that the
"maidens," whom later on in the day Messrs. Morton and Evans
would be sending down" one after the other, were at present snugly
kept in reserve in the Pavilion, or, rather, the House of "Lords as
I called it, seeing that cricket legislation is initiated beneath its roof.
But in trying to explain how it was that a "miss" and a
maiden were such very different things I found myself rather con-
fused, and I was not at all sorry for the distraction caused by the
ringing of the bell and the pitching of the wickets, though why they
should "pitch" any more than they should "roll is a matter one
may soon find oneself at sea in discussing.
But there, sir, if discussion were my object, I might use columns in
arguing that "Lord's" really ranks as one of the Commons" of
London; or that the Home Secretary's "Ground Game Bill" will
affect the position of any Marylebone Club bowler christened "Wil-
liam." Fortunately, however-or, rather, "Fourteen-eightly! as
the man said when he had made twenty-two-" the play's the thing "
on which I. have my remarks to string. In other words, having for
once met with my match-with my University match, in fact--I
can't do better than give it the attention it deserves.
Well, sir, as you are doubtless aware, after the wickets had been
"pitched" (a semi-tone too high, a musical critic objected), Cam-
bridge won the "toss," and sent in Messrs. Bligh and Whitfield. The
second ball scattered the stumps of the latter gentleman, who being
at the nursery end might have appropriately inquired of Mr. Evans,
" Whose that knocking at my garden," or, rather, "nursery gate ?
for "wicket" wouldn't rhyme. Then Steel came in, and unlike
other "steels" took the edge off the Oxford bowling; till, according
to the cricket reporter, a ball "broke in," like a thief, I presume.
At all events it stole Steel's wicket.
Honest cockney spectators, delighted with the way the balls of the
fast Oxford bowler crashed amongst the light blue timber, cried
Whether this "readiness" ofhis has any connection with the fact that his
Extra-Special contributions are invariably "read" it is not for so peculiarly
modest a member of your staff to say.-TY.E.-S.R.
" Good 'Evans thus unconsciously exasperating Cambridge sym-
One horsey-looking" gent" near me went so far as to suggest, when
six of the best light blue wickets were drawn for 34, that Cambridge's
chance looked exceedingly "dicky," on which, carried away by an
uncontrollable impulse, I cried, 'Dicky,' do you say? Ah, you are
thinking of the pair of Studds,' no doubt !" How these Studds"
stuck in, by-the-bye, in the second innings, and what a front" they
enabled Cambridge to show to the enemy, is it not written in the
Chronicles of Lord's ?
Mr. A. H. Evans bowled 57 overs, or if you reckon Mr. G. H.
Studd, whom he knocked off his legs, he nearly bowled another over,
making 58; and Cambridge, thanks chiefly to the above Mr. Studd
and the Hon. Ivo Bligh, who batted so "I-Bligh," as a cockney
would say, made 160, which is not at all a bad score" if you come
to think of it.
The dark blues, who, by a somewhat colourable arrangement as it
seems to me, have a Greene for their captain, owe their thanks to
Messrs. Hirst and MacLachlan, who saved the follow on." Whether
the former had his "coach" at Lord's, as was rumoured, I could not
discover; but he certainly "drove" the ball about the ground as
though he had. Mr. Morton, one of the Cambridge bowlers, per-
formed the hat" trick, as it is called, during Oxford's first innings,
by taking three wickets with three successive balls. If his club
really presents him with a new hat it will be, I presume, a bowler."
Of course you know how the match ended, sir; but has it ever struck
you- (it seems funny to talk of a match striking you, does it not for
it is you, as a rule, strike the match, for, of course, you don't use those
abominations, Vesuvians)-has it ever struck you, I say, that the large
majority of the match-making mothers on the ground went to look
after the "Lords" rather than the cricket; and that whilst Mr.
Morton or Mr. Evans was bowling his maiden over, the anxious
mamma was watching her darling laying some eligible young bachelor
at her feet. No, no, sir ; mothers don't forget there is a popping"
crease in every cricket field, and that there is often as much chance of
flirtation associated with a cricket "Ball" as with an ordinary May-
fair dance. Thus it is that Lord's," on fashionable match days, is
so fully occupied by the ladies!
A QUESTION OF TITLE.
I KNOW you think, perusing friend,
These verses which delight your eye
Were written to the very end
Before the title-line was dry ?
They were-your penetration's vast-
I always find my title last.
And here I distance, I believe,
Full many poets one could name
Who earnestly have tried to weave
A title to undying fame,
And have to own when years have past
They haven't found their title last.
[J Y 7, 1880.
GIVE AND TAKE.
'I d i -- A CONFERENCE QUESTION.
"' Lady :-" How IS IT YOU STAND TALKING TO THE POSTMAN SO LONG EVERY MORNING,
MARY ?" Mary :-" PLEASE, MUM, HE'S MY SWEETHEART."
Lady :-" AH, MARY, SWEETHEARTS ARE THE PRIMEVAL CAUSE OF ALL SORROW."
Mary:-- WELL, MUM, IF THEY'S THE PRIME-EVIL, I DON'T WANT NO BETTER-NOR
THE DOMESTIC DIFFICULTY.
TO THE EDITORr O FUN."
HONERD SuR,-i ear as how sum parts is a goin about and Sayin
that the race of good old servants is xtink. Sur this is ontroo. Let
me stat the fax,
i wos ait and fifty last birthday and i shal have bin in my present
sitywation thurty year come September. i never has a Wurd with
my master nor missus and has for the yung Ladys they better
not. i has my one way in the kitchen and don't Let nobody hinterfeer.
wen my missus gos out She tells me where she bin too. And wen
OH, have you e'er seen a
Small town called Janina,
On the map somewhere down in the Her-
When Conference met, it
Thought Turkey would let it
Go out of her clutches, and Greece hoped
she'd get it.
But supposing the Turk,
Not content with the work
Of the Conference folk, tries their orders
And refuses to bow
To their dicta. Then how
Will it be ? Well, if asked, 1 should
answer, a row!
For if Greece cannot take
This same town, pray, who'll make
The Turk give it up, and war's echoes
thus wake ?
Will Austria, or Prussia,
Or France, or will Russia,
Cause Turkey to yield, and by force of
arms crush her ?
Or shall we bell the cat,
And a leonine pat
Of the Lion's broad paw show the Turk
what we're at ?
Then if so, farewell peace,
We'd be acting like geese,
If the chestnuts we pull from the hot bars
An In-toll-erable Mistake.
WE notice that during the ceremony
of Freeing the Bridges the other day,
the bells of Putney, Hammersmith, and
Wandsworth churches rang merry peals.
This was scarcely consistent. On such an
occasion, when tolls were being virtually
buried, it would surely have been more
appropriate had the bells been tolled !
THE fact that three of our royal princes
voted in favour of the Deceased Wife's
Sister Bill has sufficed to revive the
rumour that the Queen wishes a wedding,
in which her daughter would be a pro-
minent party, to cease to be a marriage
in posse, and to become one in Hesse."
A Fair Sweet William.
"THE Deceased Wife's Sister Bill is
an impossibility on the very face of it.
Whoever heard of a wife's sister that was
christened "Bill" or even William"?
AN EFFECTIVE INSTRUMENT FOR AD-
MINISTERING A LEGAL KICK WITH (AT
CLERKENWELL).-A Bar's-toe "
she don't i arst her. Wen Bad arrangements is made iobjeck and has
them Alterd and my master aint ever kep wateing for his slippers or
his Branndy and i kep the kee of the Celler. i street them has friends
and i got no cumplainte to make agganst my Master and my missus.
Ef you arst them they will tel you i am NOT xtink. respeckfuly,
Taking a Bird's-eye View.
THE Clerkenwell warder who lately discovered an half-ounce
of "returns" in a pastry turnover sent into a prisoner was more than
"up to snuff !" He was also "down on tobacco."
JuLY 7, 1880.]
IN the silence of the season of the setting of the sun,
Through the lintel of the portal of the premises of FUN,
Untapping for admittance, stalked a weird, fantastic shape,
While all the twenty office-boys arose and stood agape.
Aghast they scanned the stranger's garb, for nothing more nor less
Than little bits of bunting formed the burden of his dress;
He stood as one arrived from some uncivilised retreat,
His hair extending thickly in a mat beneath his feet.
Uprose those fifty office-boys and formed a solid square
To intercept the stranger who had thus intruded there.
Within that sacred office never enters any man
Who isn't clad in blue and gold, and isn't spick and span.
Then raged the fierce encounter, with anathema and noise,
Between the matted stranger and those eighty office-boys.
But see The strange fantastic one has hewn a lane to where
The great, the good, the Editor is seated in his chair.
The Editor, unshrinking from the clamour of the storm,
With globing eyes of wild surprise surveyed the stranger's form ;
But now his brow grew gay with joy, and bright his ev'ry eye:
"My Picturesque Reporter !" were the words that rent the sky:
" 0 thou, not lost yet deemed so, who comest to me now
With matted hair (and that to spare) beshadowing thy brow,
I thought that, lo some days ago I sent thee forth to see
How Albert Edward Prince of Wales declared the bridges free F"
The wild one sought a voice which seemed no easy thing to find,
Like one who many days hath lacked communion with his kind:
The struggle of returning speech was noticed in his frame-
And then, in broken sentences, articulation came.
" 0 Welcome !" he at length remarked, to Albert Edward-Bless
The Queen-the Prince-the Prince of Wales-Long life to Our
Refreshments-Welcome-Bless "the Queen and Seats at Half-a-
His editor was wondering, and eyed him up and down;
" Be seated," said his Editor-" Be seated and reflect;
Some thrilling sight has overborne your stately intellect!"
The weird R'eporter took a seat; erelong he seemed to wake,
Contrived to rein his wand'ring brain, and thus and thus he spake.
THE TALE OF THE PICTURESQUE ONE.
The afternoon was young as yet,
When, as ye had decreed
In your instructions, out I set
To see the bridges freed;
Right gaily set I forth to tramp-
And all around was damp, was damp.
And as I wended straight ahead
By well conceived design,
Around me gathered blue, and red,
And yellow masts of pine ;
And out right gaily had I set;
But all around was wet, was wet.
And faintly gleaming overhead
Athwart the humid haze,
From many-coloured bunting shed,
Loomed many coloured rays;
I recollect, with curdling blood,
That all around was flood, was flood.
Now being naturally fraught
With innocence of mind,
I had at starting formed some thought
Of meeting with my kind;
But came uncertainty, and doubt-
And then that thought had faded out.
And now athwart this sight of mine
Through blinding haze and dank,
Loomed, stretching skyward, line on line
Of horizontal plank;
Upstretching, step by step, they were;
And these I mounted, stair by stair.
And, lo I saw with freezing blood
(As one in nightmare feels),
As up I fled, the rising flood
Was ever at my heels;
That structure then, a mole could see,
Was plainly meant to succour-me.
And now, above the highest round,
And where the planking meets
The humid sky, a board is found,
With this inscription, Seats :
And there the rainy vapours mix
With this inscription, Two-and-six."
But ah no voice awakes the air,
And all around is dumb;
There is no human being there
To whom to pay the sum:
I sit me down with sunken head
Mid masts of yellow, blue, and red.
And now the yellow, red, and blue
Have vanished in the rain,
And standing in their native hue
The masts of pine remain ;
With melancholy joy I mark
The stately pines resume their bark.
And now those flags, whose colours ranged
So widely, all are green;
They've joined themselves to twigs, and changed
And formed a leafy screen;
And through the screen serenely slip
The raindrops with unceasing drip.
The "Seats" (become a verdant hill
Of thickly-sprouting logs)
Begin, from end to end, to fill
With rows of dripping frogs:
I feel myself, with saddened breast,
A dripping frog among the rest.
I hear a sound of lashing tails,
I hear a mighty blow,
And know it is the Prince of Whales
A-passing down below;
And now the floods have risen round
Till we-the very frogs-are drowned.
Undaunted,.to the finish that Reporter said his say,
Then, standing stiff for half a jiff, he reeled and swooned away,
And now his weeping Editor the fearless order gives
To those two thousand office-boys to fetch restoratives;
His hands they beat, and bathed his feet, and cooled his burning brow;-
We think we may distinctly say he's convalescent now.
"TAKE IT FC
Tourist :-" THE SKY IS RED TO-NI(
Countryman:-"DUNNO, z.R. DU
SIGN O' TH' KING'S HEED."
A Cricketer's Ar
IT has lately been urged that the Aust
now scoring it in the Provinces, ought n
Oval and Lord's merely out of revenge for
Harris and his team received in New Sou
ago-which offence should, by this tim
forgotten also. We think so, too, partici
have manifested an altered mind; for, d
they have shown us some very fair play
Raikes for Moral G
A COCKNEY correspondent is much con
to a good man. Seeing that Robert
Sabbath schools, he protests that to t
Saint 'Enery" is unjust. If we are 1
make it a St. Robert, he adds.
The Latest To
CmITICS speak of the recent attempt of I
French play as a tour de force. Seeing, o
confusion of tongues which it gave rise to
be a better term to apply to it.
BRILLIANT!! CLEAN!! NO DUS
For Excellence of COLD MEDAL For aleani
Quality. in use.
Sold by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere.
E. JAMES & SOHS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOU
)R A SIGN."
GHT, FRIEND; WHAT IS IT A SIGN OF ?."
NNO NO SIGNS HEREABOUT, ZUR, 'CEPT
tralian eleven, which is just
ot to be ostracised from the
* the unfair treatment Lord
.th Wales a year and a half
e, be not only forgiven, but
ularly since the Australians
luring the present summer,
cerned at the injustice done
Raikes was the founder of
alk about a Sunday-school
to have a patron saint, let us
English actors to represent a
r rather hearing, the strange
, surely a tour de Babel would
[JULY 7, 1880.
THE LATEST FROM LTHE POLICE
OH, Mr. Barstow, of Clerkenwell,
Whatever have you been after ?-
To order off to a dungeon cell
'Mid jeering, and tears, and laughter,
A woman foi days just twenty-one,
Thus causing a howl derisive.
And what was the awful deed she'd done
To call for such act decisive ?
Perhaps she'd battered a pleeceman's head
To jelly by frequent millings-
Oh no, for that would entail instead
But a fine of twenty shillings.
Perhaps she'd scattered some vitr'ol fat
In the eyes of some fair neighbour-
No forty bob would have paid for that,
Not twenty-one days' hard labour.
Perhaps, maybe, she'd imbibed too much,
And smashed, in her wild contortions,
A plate-glass window. But no for such
Light cases are met with cautions."
Perhaps she'd beaten a hapless moke,
Till blood from the stick was flowing-
But no! for a fortnight, and a joke,
Is what she'd be undergoing.
Eh ? What! To visit her spouse she went
To the House of forced Detention,
And there, with wicked and dire intent,
She duly forgot to mention
The small meat pie she had brought with her
Its mutton or beef did lack, 0,
For when it was cut the grim gaoler
Found in it some shag tobacco!
Oh, fearful act! To the awesome beak's
They took this abandoned sinner;
He polished her off with three long weeks,
And toddled off home to dinner.
And though of the beaks we do know that
Small reason their judgment trammels,
This looks like straining at some small gnat
While swallowing strings of camels !
Vow Ready, the Thirty-seventh Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
THIRTY-FIRST VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each,
Two Shillings and Sixpence each; by post Three Shillings.
THE BRITISH WORKING MAN.
BY ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By J. F. Su uvAN.
One Shilling; by post, is. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FREDERICK BARNARD.
Uniform with the above,
MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE.
AN ILLUSTRATED NOVELETTE.
"The author has a story to tell, and tells it in a clever fashion."-
FUN OFFICE, FLEET STREET, E.C.
Cocoa thi ckens Roin co &". 3 o
ness the cup, it proves
Starc do E SSENCE Neither scratch nor gurt,the point being rounded by a ne>
PURE O! SOLULE! I! REFRESHING !! n o Med yAwarded Stisy Eb on,SS8. rk _
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, July 7, 1880.
JvLY 14, 1880.]
'TwAs said by one who must have known
The truth, and scorned to mince it-
Since when 't has to a proverb grown-
That Labor omnia vincit."
But scholars of antiquity,
As I, and doubtless you, did,
Learned that the greater quantity
The lesser one included.
Insomnia, now, or sleeplessness,
Is nourished by inaction,
And 'tis demonstrable, the less
One does the more it racks one.
So, when he said work conquers all,
He thought of Euclid's figure,
Regarding omnia as small,
Ins-omnia as bigger.
This explanation therefore meets
The sense our sage intended:
If toil Ins-omnia defeats,
Then omnia's comprehended.
PERSONAL LIBERTY CLUB.
AT a recent first-meeting, Mr. Auberon
Herbert explained the raison d'etre of the
above-named precious establishment in the
following words:-" There is a great
need at the present time of some means of
bringing men and women together who
accept liberty-that is, free action-as the
true principle in political and social life."
Upon this basis, therefore, the club has
been started; and it will only be consistent
with its profession if notices such as those
below-mentioned be posted in various
parts of the building.
DINING RooM.-Any member having a
preference for the portion of soup, fish, or
meat that has been handed to a neighbour,
shall be allowed to seize upon and devour
the same without further explanation.
READING RooM.-Members are free to
converse here in a loud voice; and any
member seeing a newspaper he wants in
the hands of another can snatch it away
SMOKING Room.-Cigar or pipe ashes
may be thrown anywhere, nor are spittoons
necessarily to be used. Any member
choosing to sit without his coat or his
boots shall not be prevented from doing
BILLIARD Room.-Members with a taste
for cutting the cloth, or fencing with the
cues, shall not be hindered from indulging
CARD Room.-Members are quite free
to revoke at whist, or to cheat at carte, if
it pleases them.
THE HALL.-Members observing hats or
umbrellas of others which they prefer to
their own shall be at liberty to appropri-
ate the same.
EVERYWHERE.-NO member need pay
for anything unless he likes.
We need hardly say that the club is sure
to be a great social and financial success.
WHY HE LEFT HOME.
Syren,:-" AND ARE ALL YOUR BROTHERS AS CLEVER AS YOU ARE, MR. SMITH?"
Smith :-" WELL, I CAN ANSWER FOR THEIR BEING ALL wranglers, IF THAT'S ANYTHING.
THE HOUSE IS LIKE A BEAR GARDEN.'
Syren:-" AND WHAT DOES THE GUV'NOR,' AS YOU CALL HIM, SAY TO THAT, POOR MAN ?"
Smith (drily) :-" WHY, HE IS THE Senior Wrangler."
Od Rabbit It! An Irregular Sell.
AT Exeter a young farmer for shooting a rabbit bn his own farm SOME curious revelations have taken place at the Hereford County
has been sent to gaol for a month, while a man brought before the Court, where several book canvassers sued certain people for Bibles
same tribunal for brutally assaulting his wife was fined five shillings. which they alleged the defendants had agreed to take in." As, how-
If the Exeter magistrates think so much of a rabbit and so little of a ever, it was proved that the books were forced upon the people (who
woman, we think the powers that be should say what they think of could neither read nor write), the canvassers had to pay the costs ; con-
the Exeter magistrates. We refrain, for we have not any opinion of sequently they are the ones who were taken in.
A NEw SCENE IN THE "RAIKES PROGRESS.-The Sunday School
HEMP ORDER.-Go and be hanged. Centenary.
vOL. xxxii.-No. 792.
12 FU N [JULY 14, 1880.
AMONG the buttercups of golden June
A maiden wandered, fair and sweet and slender;
She gathered wild flow'rs, mocked the cuckoo's tune,
Then laid her burden down with gesture tender.
She left the browsing kine, and sought the hill;
She watched the sun o'er purple distance setting;
She sunk in reverie, as maidens will,
Herself and all her summer gems forgetting.
At length she turned her footsteps where they lay
(Awaking from her long-indulged distraction);
Alas a cow had thought them new-mown hay,
And supped upon them to her satisfaction !
THE Globe says, "1 Mr. H. Thornycroft's statute of Artemies,' in
this year's Royal Academy, has been ordered by the Duke of West-
minster to be executed for him in marble." We think if this be so,
the Duke will not say the sculpture suits him to a t."
In the Daily Telegraph of the 6th inst. an article is headed "The
Russians on the Amoor." We sincerely hope it is a case of amour
Some time since the daughter of a Nonconformist mechanic in
Lymington was expelled from the National School because her parents
would not allow her to sweep out the schoolroom, but the Education
Department has reversed the decision. Truly some "sweeping
reforms" are wanted.
At the dinner of the Spectaclemakers' Company, Baron de Worms
posed as the champion of the City Companies, maintaining that they
court inquiry. We think it possible they may, but more probably that
they will "catch it."
According to the Daily News, Mr. Gladstone has a way of showing
when he is present in the House in an official and ministerial capacity
by taking his seat ungloved. We should have thought that the reverse
plan would have been adopted-that as Premier he would have "put
on the gloves," not only as a signal of fighting, but because as Leader
it does not to do to show his hand.
Apropos of the Sunday School Centenary Meeting at Lambeth
Palace on July 3rd, all the papers referred to the presence of the Prince
and Princess of Wales and two of their Royal daughters. Have their
Royal Highnesses, then, any daughters who are not Royal ? If they
have they didn't daughter have.
The new English member of the Caisse of the Public Debt of Egypt
is Mr. Alonzo Money. This appointment can scarcely fail to be
successful, for who is there in the wide world connected with debt that
does not want money ?
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES A-YACHTING.
WHEN a nautical friend asks me to go for a sail, sir, I always think
of that fellow journalist of mine who, responding in the affirmative to
a similar question whilst staying at Fort William, found himself let in
for three hours' hard pulling at a clumsy oar, against wind and tide.
As you may not have read this sad experience when it appeared, I may
add that the sail this wretched newspaper man was asked to go for was
a main-sail, which had been sent to Ballahoolish to be mended the
You may imagine, therefore, that I do not too readily answer
"Yes" to a query which, it is clear, may commit one to very
unpleasant consequences; and it was not until I had satisfied myself
the canvas belonging to my friend Reefer's cutter was in perfect
repair, and the whole of it stored on board his yacht, that I consented
to accompany him on a cruise. I would not promise to go for a sail with
him, in fact, until I was quite convinced that there was no sail anywhere
for us to fetch, and I am sure, sir, you will not consider my conduct
strange after the published incident I have mentioned.
Not being nautical myself, I have the more reason to be cautious
with nautical friends, who, as a sententious acquaintance of mine once
remarked, are often very fond of taking gulls for larks," a mis-
apprehension which at first sight may seem to denote great ornitho-
logical stupidity. Undoubtedly, though, yachtsmen have been known
to ship a gull" or two for the sake of having "larks" with them
out at sea; and though personally I can hold my own on land and sea
with equal ability,* yet I must confess I am not seen to the best
advantage on board a yacht in a choppy sea, a state of the ocean
which, to vary the old joke, is much less suggestive of chops" than
of weather which is fowl."
My friend Reefer, however, values me far too highly as the only
"Extra-Special" acquaintance he has to invite me to sea to serve
as a butt, though, as the poet tells us (was it not Shakespeare?)
There is much virtue in a butt,' Horatio." I was not, to put too
fine a point upon it, invited aboard the Sal-volatile as the "lion" of the
party; or so I may fairly assume, seeing Reefer himself told me he
expected me to keep the table in a roar" !
He gave me such short notice, though, that I was able to work
up but a very few really nautical facetia before the morning came for
embarkation, which was safely effected from Greenhithe pier, off which
the Sal-volatile had been lying all night, not to be outdone, as I
suggested, by her crew, who had, no doubt, been "telling yarns
with equal pertinacity all day.
Now my experiences as a confirmed landsman will, I think, be so
valuable, sir, to many similarly situated that I mean to describe even
the most trivial incidents which happened after my going on board,
which, by-the-way, is quite a different kind of board from that you
go on when you get it provided with your bed for inclusive terms on
terra firm. But, to return to the Sal-volatile, I had not been aboard
her long-(yes, I mean what I say, and aboard her is not a mis-
print for a boarder ")-when Reefer came down to my cabin and
said, Will you come and see the anchor weighed, Extra ? "
Won't I just! I retorted, looking about for one of the port-
holes I had so often heard of, in order that I might deposit my private
bottles of cognac in what I presumed was a nautical substitute for a
wine-bin. "An anchor wade? Why, you will be telling me the lead
swims, next !"
Now, as a matter of fact, it was to see the anchor hauled up I was
summoned, so that I learned, as my first lesson, that weighing meant
hauling up, and yet when that same day I said cheerily to the skipper,
as he ran up our ensign, "Ah, you are ,weighing our flag, then?"
that estimable mariner all but laughed in my face.
My first experience of sailing was taking what Reefer told me was
"a tack," and a very tedious way of getting down Erith Reach it
seemed to me to be. At last, as about the 47th tack was being taken-
though who took them, and whither they were being taken, I had not
a notion-I lost all patience, and put it to the shipper seriously
whether it -would not be better, instead of hammering away at these
innumerable tacks of his so long, to go in for a tenpenny nail, or even
two if necessary, and have done with it.
He assured me, however, that this could not be done, not being a
sufficient wag in his way, or weigh either, to suggest that I had hit
the wrong nail on the head. I failed from the first to inspire this
skipper with reverence; and when, later on in the day, he casually
alluded to "his mate," and I exclaimed, wishing to be pleasant, Oh,
you have brought your wife, then? I hope she is well?" he fairly
yelled in his noisy mirth.
I continued quite well, I am proud to state, until we got within
sight of the Nore, and I was just adjusting the ship's glass to see if
the Light-ship there was made of cork when I felt my first qualm.
It may be retorted that, if I can hold my own on land -and sea with equal
ability, I need not have called for the steward so piteously en route from Boulogne
last week to hold the basin for me. But my reply is obvious. I only assert my
ability to hold my own; but the basin referred to m as the basin of another! So,
there !-Y. E.-S. R.
JvOL 14, 1880.]
There is a time for everything, and I think, sir, that my look of
anguish might have alone sufficed to save me from the brutal remark
of my friend Reefer that he was sorry to see I didn't like qualm
weather" (sic), as it was likely to get still qualmer" out at sea.
I only looked daggers at him, forgetting in my agony that boarding
pikes would have been much more appropriate to the situation, and
at once sought my berth, there, like Hood's hero, to cons anmate my
death, as I for the time believed.
Reefer's message, brought to me by a youth reeking with culinary
odours, that dinner, consisting of boiled mutton, was served, was more
than sheepish, it was brutal; but I returned good for evil, and,
though not able to join the diners, I sent in my contribution to their
hilarity in the shape of a query as to whether the mal do mae was
brought on by riding on too boisterous sea-horses ?
(To be Continued.)
To THE EDITOR Op "FUN."
Smi,-The meeting of the L.A.C.
On June, the 26th, will be
Historically handed down
To future ages with renown.
When people of that Meeting speak,
They will describe it as unique ;
The lightning flashed and thunder roared,
And down the rain serenely poured.
(Perhaps it's needless to explain
It isn't on account of rain,
Or thunder's roll, or lightning's flame,
That Meeting's earned undying fame.)
Athletes but seldom show their form
Amid the raging thunderstorm,
Nor do they often goal-ward dash
Beneath the lurid lightning-flash.
(Though here, with no desire to prate,
I'd parenthetically state
It isn't altogether that
Posterity will wonder at.)
On this occasion, too, I went,
As usual, to represent-
As I have very often done-
The interests of Mr. FuN.
(Still generations yet unborn
May note this fact with lofty scorn-
At least, as far as I can see,
With placid equanimity.)
But here occurred an act of mine
By which my name will ever shine ;
For, noticing the drenching rain,
I thought I'd take Matilda Jane.
(And it was this proceeding which
Exalts the Meeting to the pitch
Of causing cries of I declare! "
And making our descendants stare.)
I said, On such a day as this
The people will be sad, I wis,
And not the best athlete display
Can drive that sadness quite away.
But when Jane's features they've perused
I think they will be much amused;
And'mirth, no doubt, it will provoke
To see her gradually soak."
So I assumed the soft golosh,
Umbrella broad, and mackintosh,
And took a cab; but, as for Jane,
I made her walk it through the rain.
I met her at the London gate
(Already she was in a state !)
And took her, in her draggled dress,
Among the members of the Press,
Who welcomed, with ecstatic glee,
The damp Matilda Jane and me;
And chaffed and called her "ickle-sing,"
And danced about her in a ring.
They said they liked her pulpy hat,
And thought the rain embellished that,
Her cotton dress, of pattern vile
And colours run, they called the style,"
And got around her like a wall;
And as she stood amid them all,
Receiving streams from ev'ry gamp,
They asked her if she found it damp I
The people who'd been dull before
Began to smile and then to roar,
Till laughter ran in rippling tides,
And everybody cracked his sides.
The people in the Grandest Stand,
The folks in cheaper places, and
The people in the passing trains,
And at surrounding window-panes,
They whom ambition's fervid calls
Had caused to mount upon the walls,
The Band of Mr. Wellington-
They, one and all, enjoyed the fun.
'Twas vain for anyone to hint
That Lockton finely won the sprint,
And none were interested in
M. Shearman's first-class Quarter" win,
That Baker with a splendid spurt
Took second place from Mr. Sturt-
That Cortis was the lucky chap
Who won the 'cycle Handicap-
That Lawrence had contrived to beat
Friend Winthrop's Hammer-throwing feat-
That Lockton took the longest jump-
Concerned them not a single dump.
They cared not for athletic gem,
Matilda Jane was all" to them;
They watched her with ecstatic glee
Get very damp in 15-3 ; "
They saw, with joy they could not hide,
That she was wet at twelve "inside ";
And laughed and clapped and called it prime
When she was soaked in even time."
Bat, oh! the thoughts I cannot tell
Of Mr. W. Waddell,
And those who worked the programme through
(And did it punctually too).
They didn't seem at all distress
That we absorbed the interest,
But showed me where the drinks were kept--
And thitherward the Old Man stept.
(For when a man is dry, I think
There's nothing for it like a drink;
And when he's wet, it is the charm
Of drink prevents him taking harm.)
To cab it homeward then I went-
The man drove slowly with intent
That I might watch Matilda Jane
Proceeding limply through the rain.
At home I took more drink-you see
I was as dry as I could be;
But (servants are the strangest set!)
Matilda Jane was wringing wet.
Next week I took that patient lamb-
I took her down to Twickenham,
To that Orleans cricket match
Against Canadians a batch.
There sun was high, there was a breeze,
I sat her underneath the trees,
And ere the game's result was known
She was as dry as any bone.
The play was good upon the whole
(For some could bat and some could bowl),
tat nought of which to make a fuss-
Yours, placidly, TnROHONIUS.
P.S.-I must pursue my rule
And give a tip for Liverpool-
I'll give the winner if I can-
The Caup should fall to Von der Ta-n.
As GOOD AS A "FFosTER "-FATHER T. THE IRISH PsOPLE.-The
Chief Secretary for Ireland.
14 FUN. [J~ 14, 1880.
ON THE SUBJECT OF EXPRESSION IN PROFESSIONAL MODELS.
Woodney the Model had such mobile features. It wasn't so much his figure, but expression came It was really too much for some of the artists
naturally to him-he couldn't help it. You'd see his face incessantly working as he walked, to see his "Grief"-they were unmanned by it!
And would go to him and endeavour to alleviate his sufferings. Then his Horror" !
They were drawn towards it, s ell-bound, And, in the silent night, would start up and point, fancying they saw his face through the gloom.
F-JUN.- JTLY 14, 1880.
TRYING TO BOWL IM OUT.
JT Y 14, 1880.]
MY BEST TIME.
H HEN sleep with
Upon my brain
I often dream the
In plots and quips
I solemnly declare
Who know me
v s(I've heard them
My brain so bright
They wo uldn't
credit half the
Of fancy I attain
l ii If you'll believe,
I've broached the subject, now and then,
Of MY IMAGINATION;
They've brought their judgment into play,
And, if you will believe it,
They one and all distinctly say
They never could perceive it;
If you'll believe, I've known them scoff
Or try and pass the subject off.
I've started as a theme-(to win
Some little information)--
"MY MERITS AS A THINKER" in
The course of conversation,
And then I've been surprised to find
The whole assemblage musing
In solemn silence of a kind
Most painful and confusing-
And that at dinner's fullest swing,
If yenou can credit such a thing.
And, if you'll credit, when I've tried
My hand as the designer
Of things like Milton has supplied-
Or Gilbert-only finer;
I've never yet contrived to bring
My talents to achieve it-
If you will credit such a thing
And if you can conceive it.
If you'll believe, it's not my forte :
I fell considerably short.
Yet when I'm sleeping, as I state,
And most when nightmare-harassed,
My fancies come at such a rate
I'm often quite embarrassed!
Perchance some jest absorbs my wits,
And I recall thereafter,
When wide awake, my gleeful fits
Of wild unbridled laughter.
It's rather hard that when I've woke
I never can recall the joke.
Full oft, when snoozing in my cot,
I murmur, with emotion:-
"Now that's a notion for a plot-
A most ingenious notion! "
But, hang it! when I've ceased to snore
My whole opinions swivel-
The notion has been done before,
Or else it's utter drivel-
Degraded bosh-if you can bring
Yourself to credit such a thing.
Board an "Lodge" in.
Taux salaries of the Presidents of the Local Government Board and
the Board of Trade are entered in the Revenue accounts as "Board
wages." If they are men of rank they're also found "Lodge" in.
KARIQUEY THE CRICKETER.
A NEW EDITION O "D DER FIESCHUTZ."
I CALL him Kariquey the Cricketer, but at the outset of my story
Kariquey Bl6mietyte had no more idea of the game than an owl, scarcely
so much, since that bird is supposed to be fond' of a bat-for supper.
But Kariquey loved Preciosa Popkin; therefore, lest he should have
to wear the willow," he essayed to wield it. For with Preoiosa
cricket was a passion. In her eyes the three Graces were W. G.,
G. F., and E. D. of that ilk; the nine Muses were less amusing than a
good eleven; the bon ton consisted of Southerton and the Lyttletons,
and no dictionary was so attractive as (I. D.) Walker. Her favourite
philosopher was old Humphrey, and Penelope was not more attached
to Web(be), nor was Mrs. Gamp more devoted to Mrs. Harris than
Preciosa to the noble lord of that name. Her favourite saint was St.
Francis of A.C.C.-I mean Assisi. Kariquey one day declared his
passion. Preciosa," said he, shall we make a match ? and she
asked between what teams. I refer to splicing," he answered, and
she opined that it improved the bat. He called her a gipsy, and she
said she loved the Zingari and could dwell in their tent for ever. To
change the subject, he praised her small white hands, and she mur-
mured, Yes, Lilywhite." He said he was getting savage, and she
declared she could Jupp ahemm I *) for joy. At last she told him none
but a cricketer would gain her. Then he bemoaned his incompetency
in the field. I can't catch a ball for my life," said he. When
it comes I get into a fog." "Yes," she replied, and the ball is
mist." Then he called her a duck, and she said ducks-eggs were more
in his line, and he said she would drive him to Colney Hatch, where-
upon she concurred, and consolingly told him that certainly in one
respect he was a cricketer, being decidedly Daft ; and he left her
saying swear. On his way home he was accosted by a Mephistolean-
looking individual who told him he could lighten his sorrows. I
am a Genius," said the stranger ; and Kariquey answered, "I'm not
in your line of business, as they tell me I'm rather a flat." The
stranger answered, Take this, and play with it at the next match,"
handing therewith a bat, the only peculiarity of which was that it
smelled of sulphur. The match day came; Preciosa was there. When
Kariquey went in, a shout of laughter followed him. He took his
station at the wicket, a ball came dead for his middle stump. Whish!
it flew to the further end of the field right through a two-minch paling.
Everybody laughed at the fluke," but when the next ball was sent
clean through a window outside the field ridicule gave way to astonish-
ment, and Preciosa's heart warmed towards Kariquey ; a third ball
was hit to leg and broke the shin of one of the scorers, a fourth was
cut into the steeple of a church half-a-mile off. But why go
further into detail? In the two hours Kariquey had made 1,999 runs,
and broken 32 windows, 19 distant street-lamps, 16 white hats, 11
chimney-cowls, and one weather-cock; 3 bowlers had dislocated their
arms, and the scouts were so fagged with leather-hunting" that,
in turf parlance, it was "any odds against the field," and no dentist
in the world could have moved Kariquey's stumps ; while, as for
catching him out, the fielders declared that the ball came off his bat
as hot as molten lead. Preciosa's heart warmed towards her lover;
she longed to tell him that in that match, besides his runs, he had
gained a maiden over" ; but, alas the ball that was to have been
the last before time was up, flew off Kariquey's bat and alighted full
in the ribs of Preciosa's lap-dog, who turned a double somersault and
quietly coiled himself up in an eternal sleep. Kariquey was
distracted ; he rushed to the nearest river and hurled the bat,
as Bevidere did Excalibur, into the centre, where it spluttered and
fizzed like red-hot iron. He would have followed it, but Preciosa,
hanging to his knees, exclaimed, Kariquey, don't! What is the
loss of a lap-dog to the gain of a husband who has made the greatest
score on record ? So he didn't. They are married and happy, but
Kariquey has since that day fought particularly shy both of cricket
and mysterious strangers.
Anti-vaccination v. a "Waxy" nation.
SHOULD the Government succeed in forcing their Anti-vaccination
Bill through Parliament the result briefly will be that any parent
on payment of forty shillings may snap his or her fingers at the vacci-
nation officer. If this is a specimen of the Ministry's Forty-ter in ri,
we hope it will try the suaviter in modo method instead.
Paper and Print.
THE Printing, Stationery, and Paper-making Trades are fully and
well illustrated at the Agricultural Hall in the exhibition got together
under the management of Mr. Robert Dale. Here we have all sorts
of materials and fabrics connected with paper-making, machinery of
every kind of work, with results varying from a small railway ticket
to an elaborate chromograph. From a purely technical point of view
such exhibitions must do no end of good, and well deserve support.
* (Thateertainly requires ahem-we mean an m to pass muster.-ED. FVS.
[JULY 14, 1880.
IS DAT SO?"
Distinguished Yrench Literary Man (staying in English country village to study character) :-" An, THEN, YOU DO UNDARESTAND MA ENGLEESH
TALK TRit GOOD?" Temfmna Bann:-" 0 YES, SIR, YOU 'AVE STAYED 'ERE SO LONG YOU 'AVE GOT QUITE NATURALIZED.'
D. F. L. M. (indignantly):-" NATURAL EYES, BY GABR I DO THINK ZO ; ALSO 'AVE I ZE NATURAL 'AIR AND TEETH LIKTIS, VON, DEUX,
TAN EXPERIENCE OF THE SUPERNATURAL.
THE following strange tale of horror and mystery was founa among
the manuscripts in Mr. Fox's private desk, by me, Chief Office Boy,
left in charge of the editorial business during the temporary absence
of my chief. I desire to hereby solemnly declare that, whatever
fearful and crushing consequences may fall upon my head hereafter
for having printed this MS., I alone bear the responsibility for the
crime-if such my act may be ; and I desire to free from all blame or
suspicion the Grand Chief Cashier and the ten Assistant Cashiers, the
Lord High Comptroller of Advertisements and the twenty Assistant
Comptrollers, the forty-nine other Office Boys, the Laundress, and the
Office Cat. If death be the penalty of my rashness, let not one of
the innocent heads suffer with mine; and, should my act need excuse
or extenuation, I would have it known that I sent the MS. to press by
reason of being on the last legs of my wits' end for want of other
copy, all the Very-last-moment-talf-a-slip-wanted-press-waiting
contributors having suddenly turned themselves' off at the main and
gone up to the roof of 153, Fleet-street for a smoke. Should the
story be found too full of horror, and unsuitable for a comic paper-
should the profundity and subtlety of its ontonological esotericism be
held more suitable for the recondite abstractions of the metaphysician
and the philosopher-[Pooh! let office boys stick to their last.-
CoMrosITOR.]-let the onus and the condemnation be mine.
And all this I solemnly say and declare.
(Signed) A- B- CHIEF OFFICE BOY.
Manuscript found in FUN's private desk.
I am not a superstitious-a-demigod; and have hitherto, perhaps,
been inclined to treat with scorn and mocking all theory of spiritual
manifestations, of dualitiess" (by which I do not mean articles of
dress), or doubles." But the experiences of the last fortnight-ah,
how my blood chills at the recollection of them!-have made their
inobliterable mark upon any mind; my beliefs are confused; my brain
whirls ; a mist ef doubts, half-beliefs which assume the forms of
perfect terrors, and wonderings, fills my brain. Have the phenomena
of the terrible world of Edgar Allen Poe indeed made themselves
manifest to me ? I know not; my hair is turning grey; my brain
It was a week or two ago that I proceeded to the wharf at London
for the purpose of embarking for Ramsgate, where I felt sure of
meeting with many among the more aristocratic of my acquaintances;
while I write this I seem to physically recall-and that with an in-
describable terror-the smell of tar, of passengers, of machine oil,
which, combining themselves on that boat with the spiritual experi-
ences I had, continually haunt me, acting as a medium to re-convey,
by means of the physical senses, indescribable terrors to the mind. As
I stepped on board the packet, my gaze, drawn perchance by a super-
natural fascination, fell upon a family group, and my most determined
efforts failed thereafter to remove it. An unaccountable feeling of the
presence of the supernatural fell upon me at the instant of my first
catching sight of these people; yet the group was an ordinary family
one, consisting of a stout middle-aged lady, three thin middle-aged
ladies, a few plump young ladies, and a few less plump young ladies.
There was one curious circumstance connected with them-they were
all females; there was no male among them; no male head to the
family All the way from London Bridge to Margate I sat in front
of the group, three feet off, and glared at them; at Margate they
landed, and I-yes, I was unable to hold myself back-I followed them.
Keeping some few yards behind them, I saw them ascend the steps of
a lodging-house, and enter; in a few minutes I saw them sail out
again, preceded by the stout matronly lady, one and all of them
gesticulating as if in extreme wrath.
At the door they indignantly expostulated with the landlady, and
when the latter had retired, banging the door, I perceived that she had
dropped a letter, which I seized with avidity and read. It was from
Mrs. Ketchum of London, to Mrs. Nipper of Margate, and ran thus:
"My dear Sairer, that Mr. Brownses family which is a bankrup is
a-comin down to margit I drop this line to say don't 'ave nothing to
do with em if they comes after your lojings because I know em to
wel yours affekshy MARTHA."
JU 14, 18.] FUN. 19
I saw the wrath repeated several times at other lodging-houses,
and then followed them back to the jetty, where they sat down in a
ring, still appearing to be in great anger. Very well!" they
exclaimed in a chorus; "we will just sit here and wait for the next
boat and go on to Ramsgate-that we will!"
Had I seen this family group before ? I went apart from them, sat
down, and tried to collect my senses and think it out.
I felt certain that I had never seen this family before; yet I also
felt that I knew them, and all the circumstances surrounding them.
Had I met them in another state of existence ?. Their doings seemed
quite familiar to me; I knew what they were going to do !
They sat on the jetty until the next packet came, then embarked, I
following. I now discovered from their conversation that the stout,
middie-aged lady was the mother of the numerous younger ladies, and
'the sister-in-law of the thin middle-aged ladies. Then I overheard
these indignant words: "1 wonder whether they will deign to receive
us at Ramsgate." At Ramsgate -they disembarked and went to more
lodging-houses, out of which they sailed indignantly as before.
Again a letter was accidently dropped by a landlady, and again I
seized and read it. It was from Mrs. 1Nipper of Margate, to Mrs.
Katmuster Tookit of Ramsgate, and contained these words :-" Wich
having eard from Martha as the Brownses as is bankrups leastways
Mister B as cant keep his family and don't know hoo to porn um ofl on
to is coming don't you take um in your apartments at eny price
Again they retired to the jetty, with the remark, Well! won't
have us here either Of all the insolence! !"
My heart thumped, and a feeling of inexplicable uneasiness came-
over me at these words: had I read -them in any of the papers ? Sad
the set of events which I had witnessed up to this taken place in my
actual presence, or had they been retailed:to me, or had I- The
whole matter was more than inexplicable, and my flesh began to creep.
We went on to Deal: the same going into lodging-houses and coming
indignantly out again; the same accidental dropping of aletter'by a
retiring landlady; the same seizing of it by me. This time.the letter
was from Mrs. Katmuster Tookit of Ramsgate, to Mrs. Muster-
broughtem Withew of Deal, and-said: Them Brown ,eeleds.comin
too Deal if you takes them hin i pitty you." To seapert-after:seapoirt
wandered that family group, with me (drawn by tthat anyaterious'
fascination) at their heels, until they had exhausted all the watering-
places from the Thames to Land's End; then they turned eastward.
At length they sat down wearily at the door of a large public
building and waited. After a time a porter looked through a large
square hole and said, Casual Ward t'other gate round the corner." I
offered to assist them to carry their numerous pieces of luggage ix at
that door; but they sat still and said, "We must wait for Mr.
Brown's permission to go in," and while an extra and unusually
unaccountable creep went through my frame they surrounded me and
made me swear to obtain Mr. Brown's permission.
I remember nothing of my journey back to Ramsgate alone ; the
first thing I remember distinctly is taking up a newspaper and reading
these words: "The harem of Ismail Pacha have at length found a
resting-place at Smyrna, and only wait the permission of the ex-
Khedive to It was a revelation! My eyes were opened!
The family, then, whom I had followed about were the doubles of
-- My scepticism as to supernatural phenomena is shaken for
ever; I must go forth and take a drink.
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
ON Thursday night, July the 1st, the peerage hight of Mar
Was the subject of discussion, and-its owner's rights to bar
Anent the Scotch elections of their representing peers-
Up rose the Earl of Galloway, devoid of any fears;
Up rose that Earl of Galloway, Mar's voting pow'r to close;
Up rose the Earl of Redesdale the motion to oppose;
Up rose another lord or two and did a litde spout;
Up-rose a big majority and threw the motion out.
On Friday, in reply to Onslow's Earl, the Earl of Fife
Said, in reference to evils more particularly rife
In connection with Intemperance, the Government intend
To stop them-or to introduce a motion to that end.
On Monday night ,athletics for the army was the theme
Of their lordships' conversation; they discountenancedthe scheme
For adding to the usual and literary crams"
A system of gymnastically physical "exams." :
They dropped the matter lightly, but they didn't rise until
They'd passed the-second reading of an Education Bill.
On Tuesday night they spoke a little while about the rules
Concerning the examining of elemental schools.
On Wednesday, the 30th-the 30th of June-
Another note was sounded in a now familiar tune-
A Bill on Sunday-closing, and the sale of wines and ales,
Proposed by Mr. Roberts, and applicable to Wales.
It passed the second reading, too, though Mr. Warton tried
To stop it, 'but the House appeared reluctant to divide.
Though anon they up and voted, and they voted with a will,
A-rejecting of the Fixity of Tenure (Ireland) Bill.
The thing was one for which they felt there wasn't any call-
But we didn't hear what Mr. Warton thought about it all.
Mr. Gladstone's resolutions were on Thursday moved and passed
(An incident exhaustively referred to in our last).
It pleased us much that very few grew controversial, yet
The absence of remark from Mr. Warton we regret.
On Friday time was passed in unimportant matters till
They came to the Employers' Liability its Bill,
When Mr. J. Macdonald moved amendment in this sense-
.If working men's employers be allowed to save expense,
hn actions brought for injuries, by showing that the man
Whose negligence has caused it is a member of the clan-
A "'mate of'him who injured is-and thereupon attempt,
On the old Employ in Common plea, to prove himself exempt,
'Twill not be satisfactory; but on a word or two
From-the wise Attorney-General the motion he withdrew.
But when the House's mind at last upon the Bill was turned,
Mr. Warton went on talking till it had to be adjourned.
We're sorry the reporters for the Press have thought it ft
Mr. Warton's very pertinent opinions to omit.
On-Saturday the Speaker, with his customary nous,
At Government suggestion, held a supplemental House;
Which went into Committee, and proceeded with a will
Discussing the provisions and the clauses of the Bill
oyerareliing-he distresses onhwhich Irishmen are cast-
The' majority.f clauses (some:amended) being passed.
But wefelthiathe-.fl iscuson-srwasi't 'what it might have-been:
Mr. Warton's deep profmndity was absent from the scene.
On Monday Mr. Gladawtne madeit tolerably clear
(Confederation having failed) the gay. Sir Bartle Frere
Will have his Vets commented on (and here, we may remark,
There seems a probability of something like a lark).
Then next the Compensation for Disturbance (Ireland) Bill
They lengthily and weightily debated on until
They passed the second reading (it was growing rather late)
By a Government majority of seventy-and-eight.
And here the most extraordinary incident occurred-
The weighty Mr. Warton didn't interpose a word !
On Tuesday-they adjourned it on the motion of its foes-
The Bill upon Employers' Liability arose;
The discussion was delightful-you'll admit it when I state
'Twas weighty Mr. Warton who re-opened the debate.
"A REGULAR POSER."
20 FUN. [JLTY 14, 1880.
"A STRAY SHOT."
Friendfrae the .orth:-" WHAT ABB rs Fmm' AT, TAM P Tam:-" Ov, ST THE WINDMILL."
Friend:-"EH, MAN! GIN YE WIS TAE SHEET THE MULLERE"
SHOWY AILMENTS. vile cigars, and impudent letter writing to ivapudent ballet girls who
S.can't read. This complaint is best treated by about three Handel
TAKING a few remarks of Mr. Ruskin's as text, the British Medical festivals and a brisk course of Irving in anything.
Journal has published a learned article on Academy Headaches," as
a cure for which it seems to recommend very few pictures and a good Now Ready, the Thirty-seventh Half-yearly Volume of FUN,, being the
deal of luncheon. This is a prescription that ought to be popular with IRTY-FIRST VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
the vast majority of Academy inspectors; but we fail to see why THIRTY-FIRST VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
visitors to Burlington House should alone be favoured with advice as ageta Cloth 4. 6d.; post free, 5. Cases for bindin 1s. Od. each.
to the prevention or cure of their show ailments. Our own medicine Also Readiea Cases, 18. Od. each.
man has singled out a few other prevalent diseases. Two Shillings and Bispence each; by post Three Bhillings.
Polytechnic prostration is a common complaint, generally experienced THE BRITI H W 0 RK ING M A N
after two diving-bells, three lectures on coal tar, and half-a-dozen BRTO WO KIN HM.
electric shocks. It can be easily cured by a brief but energetic course By ONE wo noEs NOT BELIEVm IN HIM.
of French vaudevilles and American drinks. THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
li The Circus insomnia is supposed to be produced by the rotatory By J. F. SurvA_.
movement of houris on horseback, the uncongenial odour of stables and
sawdust, and, above all, the witticisms of Mr. Merriman. The cure ne Shilling; by post, ls. 2d.,
is rather painful: quiet and rest in the country-or on board ship- LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
where never a horse is heard of ; periodical reading of Blair's Sermons; OVEn ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS By FREDERCK BARNARD.
and strict attention to a maiden aunt who has nothing to leave, but niform ith the above,
has had a good deal to bear.
The Burlesque bilious attack is characterized by a buzzing of inane MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE.
dialogue and senseless songs in the ears; a twitching of the legs AN II.T.LSTErTE NovmELEwr.
tending to promiscuous and unprovoked breakdowns; the eyes are "The author has a story to tell, and tells it in a clever fashion."-
also generally afflicted with a perpetual vision of legs of variegated .Pitoril World.
hues. There is additionally a distinct tendency to cheap champagne, FUN OFFICE, FLEET STREET, E.O.
WATS OI s LAUNDRY adb r
.as 1i mactinemr ecofcinieal tar fl cup, it proves
ma che% and aiulteraed 'ospe which addition of
4 One trial will ensure its constant use.
Sold in llb. bars at 5d. Of l Grocers, Oilmen, and Stores. PURE!!! SOUIBLE!!! REFRESHING !! I>
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctord? Commons and Published (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet street, E.C.-London, July 14, 11SO.
JuLY 21, 1880.]
IT is rumoured that the nation will be
asked to give the Prince of Wales an
increased allowance on account of the
extra duties imposed upon him by Her
Majesty's retirement.* There is no doubt
every allowance should be made for His
Royal Highness-by the Queen.
According to Major Burnaby, Mr.
Forster is rapacious, Mr. Chamberlain
contumacious, Sir William Harcourt
vexatious, and Mr. Gladstone mendacious.
What a pity the Major is not veracious.
The Government has wisely decided not
to include the religious question in the
forthcoming Census. There is no doubt
that had it been persisted in the unpopu-
larity of the step would have been simply
It is stated that Lady Burdett Coutts
has relinquished her intention of pur-
chasing an Irish estate in consequence
of the unsatisfactory relations between
owner and occupier likely to arise from
the present legislation. This looks as if
ter.ant right will end in there not being a
Mr. Gladstone is said to have given out
that he will never again sit in a Tory
Parliament. We should have thought a
Conservative Government was a thing he
A Matter of Duty.
A DUTCH seaman, named Hendrick
Welters, charged with smuggling a small
quantity of tobacco and cigars, feigned
not to understand what was said; but, as
it was stated he was perfectly able to do so,
Sir Benjamin Phillips informed him "he
would have to pay 33s. 4d. ; perhaps he
would understand that." Without wish-
ing to defend this naughtycal gentleman's
attempt to come the double "-Dutch-
man, it certainly must be difficult for a
foreigner to understand our terms (the
magistrate's, by the bye, were cash).
Doubtless, he had been told that English-
men were expected "to do their duty,"
and he was literally trying to do his duty
on the tobacco and cigars. For the small
sum named he will now be familiar with
the Customs of this country.
A Check on Honesty.
A POOR man a few days ago, having
picked up a cheque for 50, took the
trouble to return it to its owner, the
head of a large firm in the City. The poor
but honest party did not in this case find
his policy the best. The head of the
large firm in the City, no doubt thinking
the man an imbecile for being honest,
rewarded him with-a shilling! Such is
life. The poor but honest one, having
lost half-a-crown's worth of time, will
not offend again.
S*T*N REPROVING S*N.-The Parnell
group denouncing Mr. O'Donnell!
- ~ -/ -~i~-
"THE LITTLE RASCAL."
Miss Flirtington :-" YES, I LIKE THE PLACE VERY MUCH, MAJOR; YOU HAVE SUCH A
JOLLY SET OF MEN DOWN HERE."
The Mfajor:-" YES, AWFULLY JOLLY. YOU'D BETTER STEEL YOUR HEART, Miss FLIRTINGTON,
IN CASE OF ACCIDENTS."
Hiss F. :-" WELL, WHILE I'M ABOUT IT, MAJOR, I'D RATHER STEAL SOMEBODY ELSE'S,
DON'T YOU KNOW."
DOES a good marksman's score never exceed twenty ?
Is it bad form to speak of a blank cartridge ?
Do the bullets only splash on the Pool-targets ?
Are there any if connected with the butts ?
Have the firing-points either length or breadth ?
Does the Lords and Commons match strike only on the box ?
When the reveille is sounded in the morning, how deep is it ?
Are they all Parliamentary candidates who go out under canvas ?
Are the best cooks always told off to the long ranges, and do they
keep dripping under the umbrella-tent ?
Is it contrary to regulations to shed a vol untear ?
Who shot the donkey ?
THE penny-a-liner did not neglect the chance afforded him by the
Tottenham Court-road gas explosion. For once he had an excuse for
" Gas-conading," and he took full advantage of it.
voL. xxxiT.-NO. 793.
22 FU N. [JL 21, 1880.
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
of the dissentient
portion of an
audience may be
as effective a
mode of securing
the success of a
piece as it is
-.i novel, but it is
not a course of
action I should
Cases. For in-
stance, I db6bte
very much if an
fracas with the
pit would be
likely to secure
the success of
wood (now in the
hands of Miss
Litton) than allowing it to be judged on its merits-though it is just
possible a Milwood.
By the way, my Editor says I do not infuse the right theatrical
tone into these notes. I must endeavour to do so.
I see my pal, Bob Reece, 's a piece on the stocks for the Royalty
-his latest tip from over thfe water. There is a first-rate speech in
the first act, but I'd better iV tell too much.* Little Kitty is com-
mencing her managerial campaign with spirit.
It seems that Hal Irving (an actor who promises well-I'm always
glad to give him a word) has secured handsome Tommy Terrisst to play
Chateau-Renaud in the Corsican eBro hers when it comes out. Hal's
ben. is fixed for the 31st, too. A good strong bill is offered, and I hope
he'll have a bumper.
By the way, that was a very funny thing occurred the other night.
We were all together-Terries (we always call him Terry"), H.R.H.,
and one who shall be nameless-when Teddy Terry dropped in from
the Ga. What'll you-take, Terry ?" said H.R.H. "Thankee,"
said the two comedians, and they named their liquors. The Prince
was a little taken aback at both answering-didn't seem to care to
stand a double liquidation-so I explained matters to him. Oh, I
see," he said, "you're both Terrys." "Well," replied Teddy,
"they call him Terry, but I'm the terryer." I thought we should
have never done laughing; but when we'd finished, Teddy said to
H.R.H I'm as good a man as you and Terriss, put together, too-
you see you're Teddy and he's T rry, but I'm both" The Prince
had to be carried out. I hope 'there is nothing Sarcey about this
The last nights of Heartsease have come and gone, so we have lost
the charming Modjeska-only for a time, let us hope. Little Moddy,
as we call her,+ may be sure of taking our hearts with her wherever
Good-looking "Curly" Bellew and dear old Lal Brough both have
parts in the new piece, so we may expect something immense. Pretty
Polly Litton plays the nom. r le,( which is a treat in store. This little
lady is off to America soon, so we must make the most of her while we
have her. I expect she will fetch the Yanks a lot with her Rosalind.
Speaking of that, I met Bill Farren the other day. "Look here,
dear boy," said he, "I've just written this-what do you think of
'Pretty Polly Litton
Is as lively as a kitten.' "
Good, isn't it ? He said he meant to have it printed just to give to a
Especially as I know nothing whatever.
+ 1 don't know if I've got this Christian name right, but, it's a curious thing,
although I know him intimately-lived with him for years in fact-I never heard
his Christian name mentioned.
t I don't half like writing this'sort of thing, but I suppose I shall get used to it
I Whatever language that may be.
few pals, but I advised him to send it to an Actors' Christmas Annual.
I think he's going to.
Sid. Bancroft, of the Haymarket, and his charming wife are going to
take a holiday soon-I hope they'll enjoy themselves immensely, which
I'm sure they'll be pleased to hear. They vacate on the 30th, and on
the 2nd of August a comedy of Boucicault's comes out under the
managerial Johnny Clarke-india-rubber face Clarke as we say. Dion
himself will stage it and a host of talent will play in it.
The last nights of Forget-me-N-ot are advertised; at the end of the
run clever Jenny Ward is going to run round the provinces with it.
Our country cousins may look out for something real good, especially
if she takes my old pal Johnny Clayton with her.
Some time ago I told you Polly Meritt and Harry Pettitt had some-
thing warm in the melodramatic line on the stocks for old Drury. It's
called The World, and appears on the boards on the 31st. Augustus
Harris is announced as having a hand in the authorship-I wonder
how much dear old Gussy did, and if it's anything like Venus.
Little Jack Bradbury goes with the Great Leavitt American Troupe-
I wonder if Jack is as good a sailor as he is a cricketer.
.The benefit performance for the Maddison Morton Testimonial Fund
will be pulled off to-day (Wednesday). There will be a big show of
dramatic authors, and Alf. Thompson, Charlie Young (known as "the
bart.") and Bill Gilbert are to play Al parts. Charming Mrs.
Keeley, too, will appear as Betsy Baker, so altogether I hope I
get a ticket given to me.
Being rather new to this kind of writing, I have been unable to
advantageously introduce the following words (so much more ex-
pressive than their English equivalents)-rentrte, repertoire, chic,
niatiee, verve, and one or two others of a similar character which I
hope to "work in next week. I suppose it is needless for me to say
that I am wholly unacquainted with any of the ladies or-gentlemen
with whose names I have made free above, nor do I wish to make
their acquaintance-now. They might pull my nose. NESTOR.
[On reflection we think that our contributor had better revert to
his own, perhaps inferior, style, the above being rather well worn.-
ED. Fur.] ____
To THEsD EDITOR or "F UN."
SmI,-My communication of last week being of a poetical nature-
and you'll agree with the Pirates of Penzance that we have but little
poetry in our live?-I did not think it necessary to allude to your
official (not to say officious) note upbraiding me with conce ding my
whereabouts. I am unaware of any journalistic rule which gives to
editors an inalienable right to know the addresses of their contributors,
or renders it imperative on the latter to supply them. So long as a
contributor faithfully sends his "copy" at the right time with
undeviating regularity he is fulfilling his duty to the utmost, and no
more should be demanded of it. You may retort that I do not comply
with these conditions-having left you without sporting news since
my very successful tip for the Northumberland Plate. To this I make
the crushing reply, What of it? What of it ? Surely when one
feels a little tired of literature one has a right to take a rest now and
then. Life is not intended to be one unceasing round of pen-and-ink,
proof-correcting, and flying into rages at editorial alterations. No.
One gets sick of the whole thing sometimes (generally on Tuesdays).*
I got sick of it one day. The sun was shining hotly, and the sky was
" beautifully blue." I couldn't stand it. I left the pen-and-ink,
proof, Editor and all, and went and found a grassy bank to lie on and
eat strawberries and cream. And let me tell you this, Mr. Editor,
I disclose my address to nobody until the Bend Or" difficulty is
cleared up, and not then if the Derby winner is disqualified-you don't
catch me giving up what 1 landed over him ; I bet on the horse, not on
his name. And now to business; it's rather early in the day, and I
may change my mind, but at present the following is my
TIP FOR THE GOODWOOD STAKES.
What's the prophet thinking of ?-
Dresden China do not scoff,
Keep Bay Archer in your eye ;
But, of all that gallop by,
One of two should land a slice-
Stitchery or Edelweiss.
I have a good thing for the cup (send diamonds). Full tip next
week.-Yours, &c., TROPnoNrIs.
I always do my "copy" on Tuesdays.
JLYr 21, 1880.] F 'U N 23
!.COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE.,
OuR. old bachelor, after reading that, the above Bill
is shortly to become law, hopes that henceforth he will
be enabled to claim compensation for disturbance arising
from, among others, the, following causes:-
Compensation for being disturbed in his first sleep by
the opposite old maid's cats (they are legion) breathing
soft and amorous nothings under his windows.
Compensation for being disturbed in his second sleep
by. the chanticleer of Mr. Jones (who keeps fowls
at No. 7) proclaiming the irritating truism that dawn
Compensation for being disturbed in his morning
snooze by the young lady next door's persevering, but
annoying and wrong-noted, practice of the Sultan's
Compensation for being disturbed in his afternoon's
nap, by the no-mistake-about-it cries of the infant next
door the other way, when it has something on its mind,
or stomach, and can't find words to express its feelings
on the subject.
Compensation for the Times nearly always being "in
hand at the club when he wants it, and, when he does
get it, for being disturbed every three minutes with,
"After you with the T mes, sir."
Compensation for being disturbed over his post-
prandial cigar to settle small differences of opinion with
concomitant scuffle between the slaveys.
Compensation for being disturbed in his sermonal
doze by a boy dropping a book in the pew behind.
Compensation for being disturbed when shaving by a
message from "the gas," saying that if the money isn't
sent downstairs at once he'll cut it off." I
Compensation for being disturbed after heavy rain
by the water rushing in and flooding the place, owing
to the old sewer pipes being inadequate to carry off the
greatly-increased volume contributed by the immense
amount of new property arisen round about added to the
extra rainfall. On the.. Offensive.
IT is a curious coincidence that whilst the railings
outside a Ritualistic church virtually form a-fence," THE (VOLUNTEER) FORCE OF HABIT.
the railings inside the edifice are too frequently a
matter of of-fence" also-of "a-fence," too, which Gallant Captain (whose civil avocation is connected with an extensive drapery
the worshippers often find it difficult to get over! establishment):-" BY YOUR LEFT-FORWARD-CASH."
vondare vy zey do not cook vit ze long ranges of vich I hear so much.
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER AT WIMBLEDON. At last I see Mees Jollidogue handsome ozzare charming young ladies
"Is it zat you demand of me if I vould like to be soldat? I small tell from ze camp to Puttiney; but Jollidogue have propose I sall sleep in
you I am Mardehal de la France, for parbleu every Franqais is soldat, ze camp, so I return, but malheureusement, it is ver late ven I return,
and our great Napoleon he say every soldat Franqais carry ze baton of and ven I get to ze lines of Jollidogue's corp ze century tell me to
marshal in his vat you call sacknap-pardon, I sally say snack-noe halt, and ask who go zare. So I say "My frien,"-and he say,
pack-peste-ah, merci, knapisack. Voila done, I am Mar6ehal de la "Advance, friend," and ask me for ze sign of ze counter, and I
France !" Zat is vat I say to la chJre Mees Jollidogue, and vy n she comprehend zat he require ze passvord, vich I do not know, but toute
tell me she love ze militaires autant que la Grande Duchesse de suite I remembare to hear ze small boy say to von of Jollidogue's corps,
Gerolstein, I say, "Brava, charming mees, as your dried von say, ho shot ze cat; so I advance and say all right my friend; who
none but ze brave deserve ze fair." And ze fair call to mind zat ve shot ze cat? But ze language I zot from ze century was too bad for
vare driving from Pattiney to Vimbledonne in a good-looking, pardon, me to tell. Heureusement, Jollidogue was on ze outlook for me, or ze
hansom cab to see ze buzzare of Mees Jollidogue zat is capitaine of century would have put me under vot he call a rest. Maintenant, at
volontaires. D'abord, Moees Jollidogue say, vit a blush like your last I reach Jollidogue's tent (aftare I have exchange apologies vit ze
Engleesh roses, zat it is not comme it faut for a lady to ride in von century, who, I am grieve to find, I insult ven I inquire as to ze cats).
hansom; but I say to her, I say, "Pardon, ma'mselle, as your old Zen Jollidogue introduce me to some fjiens zat he call choice spirits
chisel-ah, sank you, your old saw-say, 'Handsome is vich hansom of ze Scotch and ze Irish of London; and vat vis ze Scotch and ze
does.' And ven she say it seem razzare fast, I say if it veyore not fast Irish, and ze viskey of ze two nations, ze tent vas full of choice spirits,
I small take ze nombare of ze cocher. En passant I demand of Mees so sat ven ve have retired to rest, and ze rain have filled ze trenches
Jollidogue vy zey call Vimbledonne Common, for from ze grandes- and ze furniture of ze tent is swimming, I say to Jollidogue, who
masons it vould not seem vulgaire, and she give me ze snuff-I mean vake me up, "I Mon ami soyez tranquil, zare is not so much vatare ven
pinch of ze arm-zat is like ze galvanic shock from ze battery of ve remembare ze lots of viskey."
Enfin ve arrive at ze camp, but ma foil I have forgot' to tell you MY BAROMETER.
I ze pauvre 6cossais of London, who I see march tro ze vat you call THERE hangs a friend in my entrance-hall,
furse in zare stockings, and ven I hear von say sat szey carry zare own Whose spirits alternately rise and fall,
kilt, I suppose he mean zem sat are escratched to dess, and I say I remember him there as a boy.
mort de ma vie zey may fare vorse, but zey cannot go.furzer. Aftare I "go by" him daily in duplicate sense,
ve have had ddje-iner Jollidogue ask if I vould like to ze zem shoot ze For his wisdom and weather-intelligence
running deer, but I vispare to Mees Jollidogue, who recline on ze I'm frequently fain to employ.
stool of camp, sat I prefare ze sitting dear. I am ver shocked to hear As I gaze on his candid and truthful face,
sat my friend Jollidogue have hit ze eye of ze bull so many times, and The "forecasts" assume a subordinate place,
am ver glad ven he tell me ze bull is not alive, but ze centre of ze And I trust to my good Fitzroy."
target at ze tank-merci, ze butt Aftare ze shooting ve return to ze
tent, and Jollidogue make us tea vit a leetle kettle of bachelors, and I A Goon PLAca FOR BREEDING RAmBBITS-Co(1)ney Hatch!
[JvLY 21, 1880.
MORE ON THE
SUBJECT OF EXPRESSION.
.., .u. 0 07 =O p 0 0 ''O o'
And then they soaked him for another period to bring about that aesthetic
layer of water between the muscles and the skin;
And then he was indeed a perfect aesthetic model.
But one day he went once more to sit for his original employer. "Just do a smile," said the
employer casually. That model tried, strained, writhed, contorted. It was in vain. He
will never smile-(except aesthetically, which is a good deal like weeping)-again !
IFUN.--JULY 21, 1880.
THE WESTMINSTER RIFLE MEETING.
-Dizzy (out of it). CONFOUND THE FELLOW! WITH THAT MAJORITY RIFLE OF HIS HE CAN'T (HELP
SJVY 21, 1880.] FUN. 27
A TEA-TOTAL SONG.
BY A MAIDEN LADY.
W a'' l t
On, life to a man is his whiskey and soda,
And joy to his heart is a split S. and B.,
But women who live in a celibate odour
Know no greater joy than a choice cup of tea.
Dry sherry and claret may do for the diner,
And gaily o'er port he may laugh in his glee,
But we maiden ladies each evening bless China,
While thankfully sipping a strong cup of tea.
Some hussies there are who pour wine down their throttles,
And drink cherry brandy and sip eau de vie,
Who doat on champagne, and can finish two bottles,
But ne'er know the taste of a good cup of tea.
Avaunt all these wretches! Such monsters are hateful!
Excuses are vain; we can all find a plea
To do what we like. Ah, there's nothing so grateful,
Go search where you will, as a plain cup of tea.
Bring, bring, then, the teapot of bright, polished metal,
The caddy that's charged with the choicest Bohea,
The basin of sugar, the cream jug, the kettle,
And brew, sister, brew, now, a nice cup of tea.
The table is spread and the cups are all handy,
My dear, of that cupboard you'll find this the key ;
Ahem! In that bottle is Hennessey's brandy,
A spoonful-or two-does so flavour the tea.
REAL HOSPITAL INSTRUCTION.
WE, the dressers, the bonesetters, the dispensers, and dissectors
of St. Vitus's Hospital in committee assembled desire to make it known
to the universe that we thoroughly disapprove of Mr. Forster's Irish
Land Bill. We have nearly all of us reached the mature age of
four-and-twenty, and habitually read the morning papers over our
first pipe and pint in the morning; therefore we are peculiarly fitted
to instruct the nation as to its dearest interests, and accordingly we
do so. Let the nation take our-the students of St. Vitus's-words
for it, the Greek mania of the Gladstone Government is suicidal. We
haven't forgotten that wretched Greek at school. War to the knife
should be the only motto of true Britons-we who say so know a
good deal about knives, I can tell you. That interference with public-
houses is another subject on which everybody is wrong except
ourselves; and public-houses, again, is a subject on which we pride
ourselves on knowing just a thing or two. Rather. So, sucking
doctors of the metropolis, gather in your hundreds and show the
Government the way it should go. You are the finest intellect of the
land, so come on.
(Signed for Committee)
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
Ox Thursday Lord Stratheden did an act that fully reaches
A high originality-he carped at Gladstone's speeches !
" They caused the Russo-Turkish War "-he didn't mention how,
And anyway it seems a little late to say it now.
On Friday, for the second time (a mighty show of silll,
They read the Educational Endowments (Scotland) Bill.
A Census Bill on Monday by Lord Enfield was proposed,
To which there not the slightest opposition was disclosed.
So an English census will, when all is said and done,
Be taken on the third of April, Eighteen eighty-one.
Their lordships spoke of Ireland next, her poverty and crime;
And after the discussion had proceeded for a time
(The speeches of the Premier again receiving mock),
The House became adjourned at five-to-seven of the clock.
On Wednesday, the 7th, they proceeded to reject
A Bill on Irish fisheries to somewhat the effect
That Parliament should help, from out its straightened source of pelf,
A landlord-shooting, thriftless race that will not help itself.
Then Mr. Chaplin gravely introduced (for those who till)
His Agricult'ral Holdings (England) Act Amendment Bill.
In accents nice and gentle and ingenuously mild
He introduced it quietly, and not a Member smiled;
Though one congratulated him, and said that he had turned
Right round in his opinions-then the matter was adjourned.
Mr. Anderson on Thursday had a word or twoeto say
Against the re-erection of the bridge across the Tay;
But after Mr. Chamberlain had said a word or two,
His motion Mr. Anderson submissively withdrew ;
The Bill was read a second time, it being understood
A Committee is to sit on it-which perhaps '11 do it good.
Then they reached the Compensation for Disturbance (Ireland) Bill,
And Mr. Pell's amendment held debate upon, until
'Twas, without division, negatived; and then Lord Elcho rose
To throw a dire confusion on the phalanx of their foes.
His eye reflecting gleefully the joy within his mind,
He asked if Lansdowne's Marquis hadn't recently resigned;
But Mr. Gladstone answered Yes," and looked as fresh as paint,
And not a blessed Minister attempted for to faint.
Then for going to Committee they divided, as you guess ;
Result of the division-amajority of Yes."
Then they went into Committee, as is needless to explain,
But they didn't seem to care for it-they soon came out again.
But returned on Friday morning, when a lengthy sitting passed
Without the slightest progress-mere obstruction first and last,
Introduced by Lord George Hamilton, who's clever at the plan,
Not trammelled much by logic-quite a promising young man.
In the evening they were better off, 'twill readily be owned,
For, without much opposition, the preamble was postponed.
But there they stopped, their progress a-reporting of, in short,
There wasn't very much of it, however, to report.
On Monday Mr. Gladstone moved the private Member spares
The Tuesdays and the Wednesdays for Government affairs
For remainder of the Session, and he also said they will
Abandon both the Ballot and the Irish Franchise Bill,
But proceed with all the others ; and he said he didn't think
They'd sit until September (here we almost see a wink,
Meaning Messieurs the Obstructionists display a little nous,
Or we may prolong the Session, boys, in mercy to the grouse").
On the Irish Compensation Bill he moved, to change a clause,
An amendment which will obviate the need of Mr. Law's-
Which amused the Opposition, who ironically cheered.
In Committee of Supply the House at intervals was cleared
For division by the Irish, till, incredible to tell,
They were hindered from continuing by Mr. C. Parnell!
The rest is immaterial-although we can't suppress
The fact that the condition of the members of the Press
Within the House was spoken of with more or less of pow'r-
And the sitting was suspended at a late (or early ?) hour.
IF the police do not consider the recent Eton and Harrow frae*s at
"Lord's" to have been a storm in a tea-cup, they are well-nigh'bouid
to admit their indignation was aroused by a "Vane Tempest." As
to the young honourable they charged with rescuing their noble
prisoner, they evidently mistook his offence. He merely Harbord "
A PRONOUNCED CASE OF A-" rOT "-HEosIS.-The God Pan."
[JUrL 21, 1880.
MORE THAN SEVEN."
Mabel:-" GIVE US A CAKE, AUNTIE. I KNOW YOU'VE GOT ONE IN YOUR
Auntie (an early riser':-" No, DEAR, THEY ARE ROSES I'VE BEEN GATHERING,
AND THEY WOULDN'T LIKE BEING GIVEN TO A LITTLE GIRL WHO GETS UP SO
LATE IN THE MORNING."
Mabel:-" Go ON, AUNTIE, THEY WOULDN'T MIND; THEY LAYS IN THEIR
BED ALL DAY, WHEN THEY GETS A CHANCE, AND NOBODY DON'T PICK THEM."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES ON A YACHTING.
MY first night at sea was a troubled one; and it would be a piece of
base ingratitude-and anything but basin gratitude," by-the-bye,
though it may seem at first sight-were I to omit to place on record
the assiduous attention paid to me by the acting steward of the
Sal-volatile. Thanks to his care I was so far recovered in the morning
as to go on deck before breakfast and ask my friend Reefer if his
fox-terrier, which he had shut up in the galley overnight, had been
brought on board to act as the dog-watch," which I had heard so
much about in connection with ships.
"Because, if so," I said, "and you mean him to always bark the
hours as he did last night, I beg that you will change his quarters,
lest he begin to bark them also."
I reserved my other morning quip about restoring the noisy quadru-
ped to a more congenial home on terrier "-firma until we were sitting
down to breakfast, at which meal, I am proud to say, the laugh went
round at my instigation five times; one of my jests, I regret to say,
being at the expense of the coffee, which I rudely suggested, exhibiting
as I did so the usual sediment in my teaspoon, I had grounds for
asserting was not "Mocha," but a Mochary" to the coffee-drinkers'
Before we had finished our morning meal-you must not think, sir,
that we really had" meal," you know, for breakfast; you are only driven
to that when it's "fowl weather-someone called down through the
skylight, "Breakers ahead!" on which, with my usual readiness, I
exclaimed, Oh, how glad I am it is not Sunday !"
Of course, several people cried out Why P?" at once; and I
retorted without delay, Why, because there would be Sabbath-
breakers' ahead in that case; and it would be my duty to embody
their history and doom in a four-paged tract !"
MAMMAS who swear by Walter Scott
As mild and moral-rather !
Perhaps you've read-or have you not?-
The Tales of a Grandfather."
Is this your moral writer, then,
Whose faith, whose spelling fails ?
Who rash Darwinian pleas can pen
About his grandsire's tails ?
Oh, shun the venal bard who'll own,
For sake of filthy silver,
That he who writes the tales has grown
From ourang or goriller !
FRESH details as to the extraordinary results of the
recent gas explosion in Percy-street continue to reach
us. Thus, we are assured by a correspondent that, just
after the explosion, all the bread in the district went up,
and had not, at the time of his writing, come down
A maid-of-all-work in Charlotte-street blown up
sky-high, according to a bystander's account, has not
since been seen by her anxious mistress. Strange to say,
her box has also disappeared.
Simultaneously with the great explosion, it seems, a
waiter at the Horse Shoe was seen to blow up a
pipe, happily without any serious consequence.
Owing to the cutting off of the gas the performance
had to be postponed at the Prince of Wales's Theatre.
This was indeed fortunate, as there can be no doubt
that the intensity of Miss Genevieve Ward's acting
(coming after the explosion) would have "brought
down the house."
A Chest-knotty Point.
BEND OR and Tadcaster, whichever is which, are both
chestnuts, it is stated. We are surprised at this We
imagined that the Bend Or difficulty had furnished the
Duke of Westminster with a nut to crack far harder than
any chestnut" ever proved.
Putting Their Feet In It.
THE World writes of a certain ball, It was on a grand
scale." It was the usual scale, we suppose, used at such
times-the scale of "two feet" to each dancer.
I felt so much better after breakfast that I again went on deck and
watched Reefer trying to be very nautical with a Regent's Quadrant,
I think he called it, and another curious instrument named a
Theodolite, a title which up to that time I had always associated with a
high dignitary in the Greek Church. The Light-ship* was still in sight,
and, as far as I can remember, Reefer's object was to take the sun's
altitude for his log. "You take the arc of the circle, Extra," he
And why not the Nore's arc, pray?" I interrupted, wishing to
give the laugh a chance of following us on deck.
But my friend Reefer, whom we also called the skipper because
he was so at home with the ropes, did not reply, but turned over a
Logarithm-table, to such an extent that I wondered, in my futny
way, how it was the figures were not all thrown off and broken.
A sad accident happened just after: the boy engaged as cook, having
in mistake, as he averred, thrown over the peck of fresh French
beans we were to have had for dinner. I have written accident,"
and it shall stand, but I had my doubts when, as we were lamenting the
loss, Reefer's brother-in-law (Major Pummerly, R.A.), who tries to
pose as a rival wag, shook his head sadly and said, "Ah, dear
friends, such is fate Let us think no more of what are now numbered
amongst the might-have-beans of life !"
I don't wish to insinuate anything, but if the Major did not bribe
that boy of ours to throw those beans away, that he might bring in
his feeble quip anent their loss, why, pray, sir, was he seen whispering
to that youth in the galley ten minutes before, and putting silver
coins of the realm into his hand P
But the Major couldn't follow up his chance, for when presently the
By-the-bye no one could explain to me why, if lightness was an object, the
Trinity House people did not take away the present craft and put a Ligh'er"
JvLT 21, 1880.] F'U N. 29
mate called our attention to what he termed a bloomin' porpus on
our weather bow, and someone asked why it was that sailors usually
mispronounced this clumsy fish's name, it was I, and not Pummerly,
who promptly re-echoed, Why, they do it porpusly of course "
Meanwhile, every stitch of the Sal-volatile's canvas was spread, and
we were making positive progress at the negative rate of I don't know
how many knots an hour.* It was, I am free to confess, a most
exhilarating moment, as we dashed through the foamy billows. Ten
knots an hour!" exclaimed Reefer presently, opening his clasp knife
with his teeth, being fearful, I presume, lest one of the "knots"
might prove a "Gordian" one and need cutting. "Ten knots!
Extra, what do you think of that P"
Think of it," I replied, smiling softly; what could I think of
it except that it is knotty,' but it's nice !"
Major Pummerly, R.A., who had, I felt certain, been thinking for
the past five minutes how he could work in a knot if I know it"
with effect, went below, ere the laughter caused by my latest sally had
subsided, to hide his mortification.
As for me, I was in the highest of spirits as we bowled along. -I
was suddenly moved to go and ask Reefer if the Sal-volatile was a
yacht belonging to Cowes, and when he answered Yes," I retorted,
" Then if she belongs to that genus, why don't you try and get milk
from her rudder P "
Upon this someone cried, "Cream-ate him! and I remember no
WANT OF GRASP.
WITH all their oharms--which none can flout-
And all their fascinations,
There's one decided blot about
One's feminine relations;
And when a man has reached a day
For thought and calm debating
He finds this irritating trait
It bores-and shows a want of 'tact
And-irritates in point of fact.
I'm-well of course I'm not a boy;
I've cut my boyish capers,
And like to quietly enjoy
The leaders in the papers ;
I speak, of course, of those alone-
The little and the big ones-
Conservative, and fair, in tone,
And not the biassed Whig ones ;
And I consider as a boon
And this has brought us to the pith
And subject of my crooning,
Because that trait's connected with
This subject of cartooning:
It's just where draughtsmen overflow
With humorous invention
That those confounded females show
Their want of comprehension.
The man may positively fay-
And-hang it, sir-it's thrown away.
Take that cartoon-(and that's the plan
'To, scarify your'Whig, sir !)-
:Where.that confounded Gladstone man
Is pictured as a pig, sir,
I did not:dare aek Reefer, who was steering at the tim-, butit seems to me
thattbhespreadig ofevpry "stitch" of ceanvasmaybe with theintant .f prevent-
ing it getting into a tangle, or, at any rate, into any of the "knots" at which the
yacht is going.--Y. E.-S. E.
And caked with mire, sir, ev'ry limb,
And sticking in it-sticking!-
While Beaconsfield is giving him
A sound and thorough kicking :
I call that crushing, sir, and pat:
There's subtle humour, sir, in that!
Now, liking others (as I do)
To share my admiration,
I pointed out that picture to
A feminine relation
Remarking:-" Though you can't convince
Or teach that Gladstone fellow
This picture, ma'am, will make him wince
And absolutely bellow!
He'll cringe and tremble like a lamb-
And we shall hear about it, ma'am! "
That feminine relation said
With innocence of feature:
Oh, here's its tail, and there's its head :
Oh, what a funny creature !
How muddy too! And what can ail
To make him look so surly ?
I do so like his little tail,
It is.so queer and curly !
But isn't it disgusting, though,
For that bad man to kick him so F
But see its face-I shouldn't call
The drawing of it clever:
It isn't like a pig's at all-
It's like a man's I never "-
Confound it, sir it is, I say,
Enough to cause a cat ire
When subtle humour's thrown away,
And keen and cutting satire!
A joke, sir, that's at all refin'd,
Is wasted on the female mind.
These females hint that satire could -
Be just as comprehensive,
And just as smart and just as good,
Yet not a bit offensive !
It galls me, i, to hear them ask-
Although I'm not a fumer:
"And is the pantomimic mask
The all in all of humour?
Is truth declared more grand and big
By calling any one a pig ? "
It's in propounding, don't you know,
Such questions as I mention
That these confounded females show
Their-want of comprehension.
These females fly at thoughts so big,
And- soar like some balloonist!
I say when one can draw a pig
He'll make a good cartoonist.
Your mild cartoon that doesn't slash-
It's milk-and-water, sir, and trash.
" LAMP "-ooNS.-Libels written after dark.
30 F' U N [JULY 21, 1880.
Wagmore :-" Now, GIRLS, WHAT QUEEN OF ANTIQUITY SURPASSED EVEN TITANIA IN HER FONDNESS FOR DONKEYS P-YOU GIVE IT UP
WHY, DIDO, OF COURSE, FOR SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH any a8s-.2ENEAS, DON'T TOW SEE
THE IRISH QUESTION OF TO-DAY. Now Ready, the Thirty-sewstlh Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
THE peasant farmer says the land is his; THKITY-FIRST VOLUTE OF THE NEW SERIES.
The landlord, speaking fairly in his turn, Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Casesfor binding, Is. 6d. each.
Maintains that it belongs to him; so bi," Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each,
The feud flares on, and angry passions burn.
Two Shillings and Sixpene each; by post Three hillings.
Advice Gratis. THE BRITISH WORKING MAN.
YOUNG ladies who have their way to make are counselled to be BY ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.
early in the field, both with respect to quitting their matutinal
slumbers, and also in regard to their attacks on the affections of THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
bereaved young squires, for thus, and thus only, can they hope to secure By J. F. SuLIvvw.
the mourning heir.
"Oh! Fly Not Yet!" One Shilling; by east, 18. 2d.,
No, there is small chance of solving the aeronautic problem until LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
some old family comes to the rescue with its air-looms. They are OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FzREDzRIc BARNARD.
obviously the only machinery fitted to produce silk endowed with an Unform ith the aboe
p'ard tendency sufficient or navigating the higher regions with MY N Im G ih R tLI a
safety. MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE.
Ax IuusTrATD NovELETTB.
LUBBERLY DELUSIOWs.-That the new steel corvettes in our navy "The author has a story to tell, and tells it in a clever fashion."-
are provided with steel-yards, and that they use these steel-yards to Pietorial World.
weigh their anchors with. FUN OFFICE, FLEET STREET, E.O.
De liciousC U
b.Wga at Half tl.e
oarl and double.
I Bak Packet must bear the Iaventor's Address- I
ALFRED BIRD, BIRXINGHAXM.I
PURE!! SOLU1LEM i REFRESHING ,,.!! i lt, 8. .udiwrtd r:dn.'TE-,kiti1,ii..
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrews Hill, Doctor' Commens and Published (for the Proprietors) at 15s, Fleet.8treet, E.C.-London, July 2s, 1S8.
J-LY 28, 1880.]
Now, would you know the thing,
Effective but mild,
Which, when he is teething,
Is best for your child ?
Or, would you learn a thing
In hygiene stands
As highly as bathing
On Scarborough's sands ?
Then I tell you there's no thing
To beat a cold tub,
Combined with warm clothing
And plenty of grub.
THE Westminster magistrate has made
public the fact that Michael Keogh, late
of the 66th Regiment, cannot be found; an
awkward circumstance, he having come
into a fortune. We do not objectto pub-
licity being given to this case, but we
disapprove of the heading in the ).T.-
"Wanted, an old soldier." To our
thinking there are too many old soldiers
Dr. Drysdale says in the Echo, Some
enactment is needed which would tend to
slacken that very rapid birth-rate which
keeps our poorer classes in abject misery."
Surely in face of this assertion our con-
temporary cannot consistently approve of
At the Southwark Liberal Demon-
stration at the Crystal Palace on the 17th
instant, so great was the noise made by
the public overhead and outside the
dining-room, that the speakers had to
stand on chairs to make themselves heard.
We congratulate these Liberals on thus
literally rising to the occasion." Their
principles were evidently most sound.
The report in the Standard of the 20th
inst. that the Baroness Burdett-Coutts
was to be married to Mr. Ashmead
Bartlett, the Member for Eye, is contra-
dicted. We thought the statement
It is satisfactory to learn that the
announcement of the failure of the crops
in Russia, and the intention on the part
of the Government to prohibit the export
of corn, is untrue. Had it been as stated,
it would have gone against the grain.
Michael Bates, an itinerant musician,
who has lost both his arms, has been
arrested for bigamy. We should have
thought that he, of all men, could have
kept out of 'arms way and not got into
Mr. William Simpson, of Liverpool, in
announcing himself as a candidate for the
Parliamentary representation of the
Borough of Chester, states his intention of
" standing on the purity ticket." He
ought to know that no "standing" is
legal at elections.
'OH, A PEASANT'S LIFE FOR ME.'
Master Tommy:-" DID YOU ALWAYS HAVE PLAIN BREAD-AND-CHEESE FOR YOUR DINNER,
Hodges :-"No, MASTER TOMMY, I DIDN'T ALLUS 'AVE THE CHEESE: BUT I'SE IN A GOOD
PLACE NOW, AND GITS A MATTER 0' NINE SHILLUN A WEEK, AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE LOT
0' FELLERS AS COMES A-MOUCHIN' ABOUT ME NOW AS WOULDN'T NOTICE ME WHEN I WAS POOR."
Water parties will be all the rage-in fact, they will be hailed with
SEASONABLE SUGGESTIONS. delight.
THE recent reversal of the seasons has led us to believe that a new Cricket matches must be discontinued till the frost (which is daily
work on the elements would be acceptable, fjr someone's elementary expected) sets in; for not till then can they have an ice ground.
education has evidently been neglected. FUN will continue to be published as usual, but our subscribers,
For the next few months ladies would do well to provide themselves during this wet season, can scarcely expect the usual amount of dry
with mackintoshes and gaiters, to be properly attired as reigning humour.
Parasols should be put by at once, and carriage umbrellas, with That's the Ticket!
lightning-conductors attached, substituted. THE best thing to do when you, want to go through Europe and
Any persons issuing invitations for garden parties, and not having study the international cuisine is to take a Cook's" ticket, of course.
the grounds covered in, will be regarded as thundering frauds. But if you want to stare about you generally, go to Gaze."
VOL. XXXII.-NO. 794.
32 F lUN. EJir 28, 188 .
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
Sie and watch-
Sing a tragedy
do not seem oc-
.* cupations hay-
ing much in
is,, it they are occa-
_-_ i sionally to be
I it o observed in
r" c ontemporane-
S. from the cir-
i g m i cumstance that
a lady (it is al-
ways a lady)
i t d n'has embarked
o b on the con-
sc gumption of the
b t i refreshing com-
and the drop
has treacherously risen ere she has completed her task. I have
nothing to say against the practice, of course; it is perfectly
unobjectionable, but by adverting to it I am enabled to introduce my
How is it that while gentlemen invariably seek the saloon for their
"refreshers," ladies almost as invariably take theirs in their seats ?
Is it only another phase of the feminine superstition that impels the
majority of them to retain their seats from start to finish of a lengthy
railway journey, in spite of the occasional and persuasive eight
minutes and a quarter here, miss," from the gentlemanly guard F It
seems as though something within them said that the train would take
a mean advantage of them and proceed on its journey as soon as
their backs were turned. Do they think the play would do the same ?
Or is it that the saloons" attached to theatres are seldom of an
inviting description ? Or is it simply that it is more comfortable
to be waited upon without moving?
These speculations are not particularly recondite or profitable that I
know of, but there's nothing very exciting going on in the theatrical
world, and the weather's hot and thunder and lightning, and my
thoughts are lazy, so I'm letting them ramble about as ihey please.
Only imagine the ice-eater, though, strongly interested in the tragic
scene before her. Her gaze is riveted on the actors. She is oblivious
of the rapidly-melting compound on her plate. All fades from her
view save the mimic scene. More and more excited, she half rises
from her seat. Horror! The creamy soup slides in a disastrous
stream down the tasteful "costume." The stage is forgotten. Her
thoughts flash like lightning from the hero's mimic woes to her
own more tragic fate. A whole new breadth," she thinks, dis-
tractedly. Her evening's enjoyment is at an end.
Here's a little bit of theatrical news, though. Next season the St.
James's produces the adaptation of Blacl-eled Susan which Mr. Wills
took in hand some time ago. It is called itilliam, and if nothing else
succeeds in the coming season I hope Mr. Wills's Williamn will.
1 wonder where it was I saw it stated that Mr. Clement Scott was
engaged on a translation of The Strangers of Paris (someone else,
whose name I forget, being unable to do it-Charles Reade, was it?).
Some paper, I know and I wonder if the writer in that paper hadn't
made a wild translation of the title of Belot's -ss rtars d Pis.
I wonder. EasTOn.
BY a "legal fiction barristers are supposed to work "for love" I
The fact is, they are not paid for what they have done; but their clerks
receive fees for what their masters are caltpected to do. They are then
said to be "retained," and, whether they appear in the case or not,
the fees are, at any rate, retained. In fact, it cannot be expected the
counsel should return fees which he is supposed never to have
CAN a mlain stationer iLe a handseoac man
GOODWOOD IN GENERAL AND THE STAKES AND U UP
To THa EDITOR or FUN.."
SmI,-The very handsome apology received from you this day is
well calculated to restore that kindliness of feeling between Editor
and contributor which is so essential to the enjoyment of life. The
dispute between us arose (as you will remember) from your upbraiding
me with concealing my address, to which I retorted that my address
was no affair of yours. Your apology for your behaviour in the
matter is ample and sufficient when you say you don't want to know
my place of abode any more than that of any other disreputable scum.
The amplitude of the apology is by no means diminished by the
sentence which immediately follows, where you add that you will
have "copy" up to time, or scratch my name off the list of con-
tributors-though this is the first I ever heard of such a list. Sir, I
accept your apology as freely and as heartily as it is given. As yoia
have met me in such a spirit of conciliation, it would ill become me to
behave with less magnanimity. I therefore send you at the earliest
Tip FOR THE GOOnDOOD CUP.
With rapid glance each horse's chance
The Prophet eyes (with enterprise),
Discreetly weighs, and proudly says:
Oh, world so wide, in me confide,
The safest guide whatever betide.
Isonomy appears to be
Of likely size to win the prize;
But then, you know, there's Thurio;
And then the Bay-the Archer-may,
As people say, take all away.
But keep awake about Mistake;
And Westbourne, too, should hold your view ;
And Dresden Chi-na fill your eye ;
But, student pale, to end the tale,
You cannot fail with Chippendale."
I said last week I should very probably alter my mind about the
Stakes. I have. They've scratched Stitchery. I suppose they had a
reason for it, but the animal looked like a winner, or a placer," to
the Prophet. If he had lost the first two letters of his name I could
have understood their scratching him-itchery and scratching have
something in common. Here, however, is my amended
TIP FOR THE GOODWOOD STAKES.
Heed ye not the top-weight, loved of more than one;
Ye who've backed Roehampton worse might well have done;
Clearly we are bound to see Advance in front;
These who back Bay Archer ought to lift "the blunt ";
Reveller may surely, surely look to win;
Mistress of the Robes should deftly earn the tin;
Back the gay Mycenms, that is my advice-
Still my private betting favours Edelweiss.
There, sir, and now I don't mind letting you know where I really
am, as we're on such good terms. I'm on my holiday, that's where I
am. You won't expect me to enter into particulars, of course. You
won't expect me to tell you that after a fortnight at Margate, a week
at Boulogne, another at Brighton, three weeks at Paris, a day or two
at Berlin, and a yachting cruise of ten days about the Orknmeys, I am
now enjoying a day or two's fishing in Norway.* It will be quite
sufficient for me to say that I am on my holiday, and am yours, &c.,
P.S.-I'm going to have a turn at the grouse in a week or so. Tip
for the Brighton Cup next week.
P.S. 2.-Just heard Stitchery's not scratched-childish hoax. It
don't interfere much with my tips, though; mix them both up, and get
at the right horse that way.
Go to Bath!
THERE is an old saying about Going to Bath" being equivalane
to going to blazes" This has its origin in the fact that the people
who go to Bath go there because they are used up and blasd ; and
thus it became a saying that those who went there went to the
We don't wish to impugn our contributor's veracity in the least, but we are
bound to state that this programme carries us back about a couple of months, and
it is but three weeks since we ourselves saw the Prophet oerpentining down Fleet
Street one day about 4 p.m. Moreover, the envelope to the above communication
bears the S.E. London postmark!-Es. Fuox.
JurL 28, 1880.] FUIN. 33
THE AGENT'S LITTLE FAILING.
LET'S sing of a Member of Parliament-con
The list of his troubles, and sufferings too;
But first understand, as a sine que non,
The tale mustn't go any further than you :
The deuce of a rumpus the hue and the cry !
If them as I knows of got wind of it! My !
And while he was only a candidate yet-
, As pretty a boy as you're likely to meet-
The funniest agent that ever you met
Was frantic, and all, to secure him a seat;
This end he would struggle for every day
In the following wholly unscrupulous way :
He'd go to the voters for many a mile,
With a boldness and cheekiness worthy of note,
And, smiling his sweetest and winsomest smile,
He'd offer those voters a kiss for a vote:
Those voters-all duly enrolled on the list-
(Confound their unstableness !)-couldn't resist.
The pretty young candidate duly got in-
Transformed to a Member all portly and grey ;
But people petitioned and got up a din,
And, as to his seat, it was taken away!
And all on account of that agent who bribed
The wavering voters (as I have described).
The Member, unseated and forced to resume
His pretty-young-candidate boyhood again,
Went off to the agent in, oh, such a fume,
And pummelled him roundly, as if to complain,
But the agent declared with a lachrymose phiz,
Oh, please, I can't help it; it's in me it is! "
The candidate saw it was all as he said ;
The candidate wept-he was young and could feel;
He saw there was nought in the agent hys head
Of greed or self-seeking, but only of zeal.
"But yet," said the youth, when I put up again
Don't get me unseated-do try and abstain."
The candidate, not to be laid on the shelf,
Put up once again at a spot far away;
The agent he struggled and fought with himself
With bitings and scratching, to keep from the fray ;
But brief the encounter, though savage and hot,
And zeal overcame him. He flew to the spot.
Full loth, he resumed his nefarious way,
Corrupting electors with might and with main ;
Another petition, it pains me to say,
Was framed; and the Member was seatless again.
He crawled to the Member and, filled with the ache
Of merited corporal suffering, spake:-
Oh, buy me an island-an island remote-
From which it would give me some trouble to come ;
And give me, at present, a crisp little note,
And also a regular quarterly sum :
Afar and remote in that island retreat
My zeal shall no further endanger your seat."
The candidate closed, in a jubilant tone,
And over a seltzer the bargain was seal'd;
And the agent resides in his island, alone
With the birds of the air and the beasts of the field.
He passes his time, it is painful to note,
By playing at bribing those creatures to vote.
A CRUEL BLOW.
WE had had that which sometimes happens even with the best
regulated lovers-a quarrel. From a trivial beginning, the difference
grew wider and wider, our tempers rose to the occasion, unpleasant
words were bandied on both sides, and at last we parted abruptly in
high dudgeon without saying good-bye. Directly afterwards, of
course, we were each of us, in our heart of hearts, profoundly sorry
about the whole affair; but each of us, equally of course, was too
proud to hasten to inform the other of the fact.
For myself, the result of this luckless interview engrossed and
disturbed my mind during the lest of the day and all the evening; I
could think of nothing else ; and even when midnight came, and I, in
a state of semi-prostration, went to bed, my brain was still haunted so
by this same hobgoblin that I. could not close my eyes for two hours
at the least. If, I argued to myself, she would but come to me and
express her regret for what had occurred-it may be taken for granted
that she was in the wrong-or if she would write me a note to
that effect, or if, indeed, she would only come and speak to me
without expressing any regret at all, I would joyfully consent to let
bygones be bygones, and we might be every whit as happy together
as before. But no I knew her haughty spirit too well for that;
and I forthwith utterly exhausted myself in conjuring up all sorts of
tragic and pathetic terminations to our engagement, until nature
asserted her sway and I dropped off to sleep.
Next morning found me once more in deep agitation, my thoughts
harping upon the previous day's disaster, wondering what could be
done and how it was all to end. Suddenly I heard the bell ring and
a voice call out. My heart leapt into my mouth. Ha, could
it be she come to make it up with me after all? If it were, let
her enter; I would not go out to meet her. But the door did not
open; and why? I waited in an agony of suspense. Again the
bell! and again the voice, but not, as it seemed, in accents soft
and tender. I started: I opened my eyes : I awoke It was dark,
the dawn had not yet arrived. And could it have been all a dream ?
Had my love not really returned to me ? The bell-the voice-were
they nothing but the outcomes of my excited fancy ? I sat up in the
bed and listened, trembling all over. A moment or two of intense
uncertainty, and that voice called out once again. This time I heard
it distinctly,-harsh, nasal, unsympathetic.
It said, Sweeeep !"
Oh, how I cursed that kitchen chimney !
The Order of the Day.
TIME was when the use of strong, objectionable expressions was
deprecated as "not Parliamentary language "; but evidently nous avons
change tout cela, for it must be admitted that vile invective and dis-
graceful personalities are now most decidedly Parliamentary.
LIp SERVICE.-Hanging on the lips of an orator.
34 FUN. [EJUr 28, 880.
Rave you ever seen a Comic ArtLt at work ? The funniest sight The way he unconsciously reproduces in his face the various comic expressions which he is
attempting to depict is really too- Well, there!
Ecr,'s one of our Comic Artists, taken at random. His doting mother sits and But here he is drawing somebody sneering;
watches him as he toils. Here he is merely putting a careful touch;
While here he is doing one of those regular caricatures;
Nor- such is his absorption in his work-does the expression forsake his
countenance in the interludes devoted to sharpening his pencil.
Now he is dxawiug a tall man with a proud expression. And now, a short man with a humhle expression.
And now, a short man with a humble expression.
Now he is drawing a tall man with a proud expression.
F 1UN.--JULY 28, 1880.
TRYING TO QUIET THE BABIES,
JSum 28, 1880.] FU N. 37
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL COMPLETES HIS CRUISE.
BY the morning of our third day out, sir, I had found my sea legs
most thoroughly; in fact, the more at sea I got the more at home did
I become, and I verily believe that in case of emergency I should have
been trusted to splice the main brace." As it was, however, the
necessity did not arise, and I had to content myself with "keeping
wicket," as I called minding the helm, whilst the Sal-volatile went
"bowling" along at a spanking pace.
Reefer himself admitted that I had become a regular yachtsman,
and I really flatter myself that I had taken as readily to the high seas
as though I had been a tenor, and the "high C's" some sensational
chest notes he had gone in for. My costume, or, to be duly nautical,
my "rig "-out-the man who rigged me out being, of course, my
"out-rigger "-has had something to do with my success. It it
pronouncedly marine, I may tell you. A "surge" suit, of course,
to begin with; and a pair of ship's pumps, which, in case of ship-
wreck, can be rigged up with an ordinary boot-lace, you see. Then I
had a straw hat specially constructed with a very "wavy" brim, z
sailor's knot round my neck, and a life-belt of the newest pattern:
which I wore next my skin. The "dog-watch" I tried to procure
at an East-end jeweller's, thinking it would keep good nautical time,
was not to be had; and my braces were not exactly "main" ones
but I had taken private lessons in the skipping-rope, so as to be pre.
pared to accept the post of skipper," if necessary; and was so wel
up in the code of weather signals, that the cone-an'-drum" was, s(
to speak, a riddle I could easily answer.
But suppose, sir, I just give you an extract from my diary, one dai
being very much like another, to show you the active life I passed
Its perusal, let me hope, may tempt other littirateurs to go and di
Tuesday.-Rose at half-past seven bells, after usual sleep between
the stern sheets, and went round hatchways looking for sea-gulls' eggs
Helped holystone the deck, and then "scoured the ocean mysel
with the skipper's telescope. Lowered the captain's gig, and having
harnessed a couple of sea-horses tandem, drove down channel after
lobsters. Took an oar en route, and caught a large crab. Back ti
breakfast, after which piped all hands, except my own, for a smoke
N.B.-Cigared my own hand in preference. Hailed a passing vessel a
per usual, Ship! ahoy !" Captain being a wag, replied that hi
ship wasn't ahoy, biut a schooner After drinking health of facetiou
skipper, posted our log, having first stamped it with our feet, an,
addressed it to the Board of Trade.
Passed two steamers and the time of day. Saw a "Ketch" a
long-field, or rather long-seas-on. I suggested the "Ketch" mus
be of the Sal-volatile's own bowling along.
Luncheon, followed by protracted argument as to whether there ar
any port holes on the starboard side of a ship. Then "nap o
deck, the yacht going to Deal the whole time, but never quite effect
ing her purpose. Sails sighted on our weather beam. Remarkedtha
such "sales" doubtless showed the "trade" wind was blowing
A TENNIS AGONY.
EHOLD a maiden thin, yet
Jersey clad perchance to
show her muscle,
Try to run in pads, tie-back,
Hold painfully to her most feeble
The sun her eyes out scorching
in toque hat;
Agony lest active partner
Idle breezes her hair fringes
She suffers patiently and suffers
She serves eight faults and
sorrows she is wrong,
Strains her corset when she
tries a volley;
Her twelve-inch waist is bound
by leather thong;
Breathing hard, persists she
r in her folly.
She thinks it "nice to suffer
and be strong,"
To call her awful sufferings-
Interviewed our first mate-a most material portion of our crew,
by-the-bye-and asked him what was the etiquette as to returning the
bows of a ship that really forced hers upon you. Replied that he
guessed there would be more scraping than "bowing in such a
case. Rewarded him for his information by a "quid" pro quo, &o.,
&c., &c. *
This, sir, is but a short extract from a diary that some day is
destined to live in a printed form. Do not tell me I have modelled it
on the "Cruise of the Sunbeam" style. [" No fear of that. Our
Extra-Special's style is a brazen rather than a Brassey one."-EDIToR
FuN.] Meantime it is you, sir, I have to thank for the sudden cur-
tailment not only of the dog-watch" I was keeping (there is a joke
hidden there, if you will but delve for it), but of my cruise as well.
As you know, sir, you recalled me to terra firma by means of flag
signals displayed in front of Deal Custom House. The sealed orders
ou left for me in the custody of the senior tide-waiter were duly
nandedto me, and next week I hope to reveal their purport.
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
On Tuesday week their Lordships' sitting wasn't one to last;
They sat them down at five and rose at five-and-twenty past.
Lord Byron having ta'en his seat and also voted-both
Without, as a preliminary, taking any oath-
A Bill was introduced and read-a little Bill-in fact,
A Bill to just indemnify his Lordship from the act.
And then of Irish Workhouses, Lord Rosse desired to know
The number of the inmates for the current year; and so
A return of them was ordered which will shortly meet their view-
And my Lords adjourned till Thursday, as they usually do.
When Lord Byron's Bill was read a second time-a third-and passed
(Which proves that when they choose it they can get on pretty fast).
The Census Bill was also read a second time, and next
Another one was introduced, with Ireland for its text.
On Friday they had business, just for once, upon them cast,
And the Education (Scotland) Bill was through committee passed.
On Monday, too, they'd something their attention to engage,
A lot of Bills received assent-a lot advanced a stage.
On Tuesday night their Lordships sat from five to six's chime,
And the Scotch and Irish Census Bills were read a second time.
There's no one can deny it, so we hasten for to say
That Irish Legislation's been the order of the day;
Not only in the Bills themselves-though certainly in those-
Not only in the persons who obstructively oppose,
But in the style of argument of one or two obtuse
M.P.'s, who are not Irishmen (which might be some excuse).
Says the Premier, The meaning of this Bill is so and so."
I To which remarks Obtusity, emphatically, No."
Then the Premier inserts a clause, which gives the meaning blunt;
"My goodness," cries Obtusity, My ere's a change of front "
e By this, you see, we prominently introduce to view
Why three weeks are exhausted on a Bill with clauses two.
; Of course the Opposition is committing naryy crime,
Mr. Gibson's most amusing, but it takes up too much time.
I On Monday night (the 12th), and in a sitting far from brief,
o They struggled through committee with the Irish Bill (Relief);
To do it they'd to sacrifice (they had, as I'm alive)
7 Two clauses, and keep arguing till twenty unto five.
All Tuesday morning's sitting, the opposers took their fill
o At pecking at the Compensation for Disturbance Bill;
At night, they'd have repeated it, I've not the slightest doubt,
i But the House (it scarcely met, you know) was promptly counted out.
On Wednesday the selfsame Bill was likewise to the fore;
f On Thursday night it once again the brunt of battle bore;
g (On this same night Lord Hartington before the Members brings,
r What one may call, descriptively, a pretty state of things."
o About that brilliant "little war in Afghan, he'd to state
. They'd found the Bill "enormously exceed the estimate-
s And Government consider it but right we pay in part-
s These wars may be less popular if pockets are to smart).
s On Friday morning came again the gay Disturbance Bill.
I In the evening "that Mr. Briggs proceeded with a will
To take the House's vote upon the question, yes or no,
t If a monument to France's Prince Imperial should go.
it And mingle with the monuments of England's Great hard by,-
On division they responded with a negative reply.
e The Disturbance Compensation Bill then came again to view,
a And so it did on Monday-and committee struggled through.
- On Tuesday night the Revenue and Customs Bill appeared
,t In committee, and some clauses were eventually cleared,
g The House displaying business capabilities at last;
And then Distresses Ireland Bill was actually past!
38 FUN. [JULY 28, 1880.
A SUNNY DAY.
aVE know the scene-where waters flow
Cool 'mid the noonday glare and glitter,
Where, basking in the drowsy glow,
The birds luxuriously twitter;
While man the lightest labour shirks,
And revels deep in nature's glories-
We've read of it in poet's works-
But poets tell such dreadful stories !
And here the limner art employs
_II Which gives a certain indication
That he, if English bred, enjoys
A rather strong imagination !
Or stay-what man alive so far
Could mere imagination stretch it ?
He must have learnt where such things are,
And sought a foreign clime to sketch it.
THE good folk of New York have been going in shoals
Sto witness the strange proceedings of a certain Dr.
Tanner, who declares that he is able to exist without
food for the space of forty days. After all, there is no
reason why this performance should cause any more
excitement than an ordinary running-match, for people
/only attend either to see who is thefaster.
IT seems that a native of Natal, called "Umgami
Wallah," otherwise John Thomas Williams, has been
appeanng at Chesterfield in three capacities-as a
MO"AZulu Princess," a "Zulu Barmaid," and a thief.
S- This sounds odd enough, but there is something odder
still. The very publican who employed this negre as a
barmaid actually believed him to be one of thefair sex.
CHaSTER RACE CoursLE.-The unfortunate jockey,
THE SHORT OF IT Dodsoh n, who was lately unseated on petition, has been
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT. obliged to forego some pressing engagements. He hopes,
Brown :-" HULLO, OLD MAN, HOW ARE vOU P WHEN ARE YOU com ng up however, to be able to have another mount shortly.
to see me? "
Jones :-" WHEN AM I COMING UP TO SEE YOU? WHEN ARE YOU cOming m MOTTO FOR THE AMERICAN REPUBLICANs.-A "t Gar-
down to see me, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNow?" field and no favour !"
FIRST RESULTS OF THE CONFERENCE. procure sticks for free fighting of the waiters. Stretchers at the doors
FIRo ST moRESUTat twelve. Mr. Robertson's W ar is now being played at nineteen
A CHOICE SELECTION. theatres in the metropolis.
COMMERCIAL RESULT.-The sudden and immense revival of the L r r Rr RESULT.-All the old books on the Turkey War are being
Sheffield poisoned dagger and bayonet trade is only paralleled by the reproduced in popular editions, and.the publishers won't print a poem
stupendous increase in the American gun-cotton trade. Sir William that isn't a war song for love or money. Certainly not love; they
Armstrong is about to start three new gigantic factories, while the won't hear of it in the most sentimental novels they deign to produce.
Clyde builders of iron-plated ships have to send as far as China before Eighty distinguished historians and political economists have just left
they can get men enough to execute half their orders; and the place for the East, as special war correspondents. A batch of lady novelists
is so prosperous that at Glasgow the street Arabs play chuck-half- have just left Charing-cross in the service of the Red Cross-they
penny with sovereigns. Herr Krupp is thinking of buying Denmark were seldom read before, though often cross.
as a private estate ; and several firms of military tailors have refused ScIENTIFIc RESULT.-The immediate discovery of some forty new
heirs to dukedoms for their younger daughters. There is a general barbarous ways of extinguishing one's fellow beings en masse.
depression in fine arts, but battle pieces have gone up. Common Immense rise in the incomes of surgeons capable of lopping off limbs
butchers, bakers, and the like are rapidly becoming bankrupt; but, of with despatch-and dexterity, though that's a minor matter.
course, that doesn't matter. Messrs. Childeroth have just cleared
eleven millions over two war loans.
MoRaL RESULT.-Bother making love and marrying, and the Brave, Oh!
children, and the water question !-and do give us another war map, THE Borough of Greenwich has recently excited itself over one of
and re-describe that splendid massacre and mutilation of twenty those deeds of heroism that have so often been the theme in our annals
thousand Albanian prisoners. What, you say positively the Italians of British pluck. A man named Smoker has rescued a couple of
won't be in it ? Nasty, cowardly lot thought they have begun by insensible children from the first floor of a burning house, literally
bombarding Smyrna, for instance;: and wouldn't it have been jolly rushing with them through the flames. A subscription list has been
to read about Ismail's harem stewing in their gravy, as that dear old opened by the Ktentish Mercury, and from the flaming account of this
ruthless boy Bismarek said! What a bore it is to only wear a black brave deed it will be a burning shame if the testimonial fail to be for a
coat, and nothing more martial than a swordstick Wonder if it warm amount. Of a truth this is a Samoker who has acted up to his
would do to enlist, and lease one's wife and family, and all that ? It lights.
seems so low to simply work in the City to keep them, when all these
glorious rumours of war-beautiful, bloody war-are about. Haven't Very Debt-rimental.
seen a man killed these three years. Faugh! it's mawkish. A MAN named Sparrow has advertised that he will not be responsible
THEATRICAL RE SULT.--Mr. Mactermhot will sing the Greek Hymn, for his wife's debts, which notification is witnessed by a person named
surrounded by Greek fire, holding a Greek flag, and getting as near as Turtle. This reads as if they were having a game at Birds, Beasts,
he can to a Greek attitude. ti*r. the Inimitable Dance will sing the and Fishes "-Mrs. Sparrow being a Bird, Mr. Turtle the Fish, and
Turkish Anthem, accompatyinh$himself on cymbals. The public may Mr. Sparrow (doubtless, in the lady's opinion) a Beast.
IvaJ 28, 1880.] F N 39
THE man-of-war's prevailing might
May be a source of pure delight,
And have a great attraction;
The maddened tempest's rampant rage
May give to youth (and even age)
A certain satisfaction.
Some people, as we must agree,
Delight to read of fights at sea,
To move the soul and stir it;
And some reflect with joy upon
The fierce campaign at Wimbledon
(Or dun, if you prefer it).
And men are found who much admire
The grim volcano's sullen fire,
Nor seek to shun or flee it;
But dare its wrath through thick and thin
From lands afar; nay, venture in
A railway car to see it.
Some bards are odd enough to sing
The beastly bull-fight's brutal ring ;
And some have inclinations
For chancery and libel suits,
And Hyde Park demonstrations.
But, mark my words, Matilda Jane,
From all these things I turn with pain;
Though'far from sentimental,
My nature is of just that sort
Which takes delight in gentle "sport "-
All sport-(it's always gentle).
This theme to which I now allude,
Is started by a book reviewed
In all the papers lately ;
Its author's gentle want of guile,
And autobiographic style,
Have pleased the critics greatly.
Now, haste ye, Jane, on lightning wings,
And fetch that book; for gentle things
So humanize a sinner;
I have to be, I recollect,
In softened mood, for I expect
A bishop here to dinner.
* a S
Ah, here's the Preface (sweet to con!);
The author here dilates upon
His gentle disposition
And hate of crimes that people plan;
With warrants from his clergyman
And family physician.
And when we've read-(for who would miss P)-
The twenty pages filled with this,
We find the "Introduction."
It shows us all "the author's youth;
Its innate gentleness and truth ;
Its Christian-like instruction."
And now we come to Chapter I.:-
"The author's virtues as a son;
His nature's pious leaven; "
And then we read, with eyes aflood,
"His horror at the thought of blood,"
In Chapters II. to VII.
The next three chapters seem to be
About his friendship for a flea
(As proving his humaneness);
He plaintively discusses then
The savage ways of other men,
And war and its insaneness.
He then begins, in cheerful sort,
The story of that gentle sport
Which seems to be his mission ;
He tells you gaily how he starts
To visit lovely foreign parts-
With lots of ammuLition.
0 sweet beyond the joy which fades,
His fair description of the glades,
With scented blossoms flinging
Soft odours; while te song-bird's psalm-
Bright gem of music set in calm-
ra Is ever sweetly ringing !
0, read once more that line about
The rainbow, flitting in and out
Where tendrils twine betangled;
And that about the bosomed brinks,
Where full-eyed antlered beauty drinks
Mid bluebells bead-bespangled.
It gives me, 0, Matilda Jane,
Oppressive rapture, like to pain.
There must exist a native,
Unstudied, gentleness of mind
Within an author who we find
Is so appreciative.
Do hear him, now, describe this glen,
Untainted by the foot of men,
And vice's haggard features;
Where sweet gazelle, and gentle dove,
And other peaceful creatures ruv-
Oh, how he loves those creatures !
And now he hears, with pitying sigh,
The mateless heron's mournful cry
Amid the sighing rushes;
And now, athwart the whispering grove,
The thrush appealing to its loave-
He's very fond of thrushes!
And now these sweet descriptions cease :
This chapter is:-" The fowling-piece-
The double barrel, old and new-
The snap-shot-' potting '-with a few
SRemarks on ammunition."
Then Chapter XXV.-" To work,"
Ah, more about the forms that lurk
In wood and wold, and build them
Such wondrous nests, or wander free;
It tells you how-why, let me see-
It tells you how he killed them!
It tells you, Jane, how more than one
Came gently sniffing at his gun,
And how he laid it, bleeding
And torn and mangled, at his feet:
Why, Jane, this chapter's quite a treat!
Such very pleasant reading!
Jane, take this volume, I desire;
But don't attempt to light the fire
Therewith; no draught nor poking
Would make it burn-for I regret
To see that ev'ry page is wet
With blood, Matilda-soaking.
The butcher down the street, mayhap,
May find its leaves of use, to wrap-
But stay! for your instruction
Retain-and when you wish to glean
What "Gentle, adjective" may mean,
Peruse-that same production.
A Service-able Act.
THR late Ministerial crisis in Victoria and the consequent defeat of
the Prime Minister has had unusual results, for it has involved not
only the fall of the Government but the resignation of the whole of
the "Service" as well. We say the whole of it, for the simple reason
that the Premier, who is the Serviceable man, could not very well
retire in instalments.
Latest from the Camp.
AT No. 1,526 target, we understand, a volunteer had a miraculous
escape from death. The bullet carried away all one side of his tunic-
collar. Exactly it was just what we expected when we read that the
*nen were allowed to shoot off their ties !
To BE TAxEN FOR Gn&ATED.-That Jack Tars' kits never grow
up into Navy "cats."
[JULY 28, 1880.
*THE SCAMP! AND ONLY MARRIED A FORTNIGHT, TOO
Edwin:-" So GLAD TO MEET YOU AND YOUR SISTER DOWN HERE, AISS SPIFFINGTON-OLD FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS SO CHARMING; BUT
I ASSURE YOU THAT I HAVE BEEN 80 DULL I COULD TOLERATE MY BITTEREST ENEMY FOR A CHANGE." (He little thought his Angelina hd
followed him on to the Pier and was standing close behind him. Wasn't there the deuce and all of a iow, though!) -
LORD LANSDOWNE AND THE LANDOWNERS.
'TIs strange.! when sorrow fills their cup,
And Fortune wears so dark a frown,
The way to best cheer landlords up
Should be to say to them, Lan(d)sdown(e) !
Stumps and Wickets.
THERE is an eccentric metropolitan dentist who has developed quite
a passion for hoarding all the old stumps he draws or can get hold of.
No one could understand why, until at last it turned out that his con-
duct was due entirely to force of habit. He had been in the habit of
keeping wickets ever since he was a schoolboy.
Let Me "Beam" Again.
MUSICIANS will regret to hear Leslie's Choir is a thing of the past.
For our own part, all we do is to try and imagine twenty such
quiress," and then go:to: sleep and "ream about them.
"A FAVOURITE TEXT FOR CHURCH REFORMERS.-That taken from a
Cathedral "Chapter." .
Now Ready,;the Thirty-severti Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
THIRTY-FIRST VOLUME OF THE, NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.,; post free, 58. Cases for binding, Is. Od. each.
.Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each,,
Two Shillings and Sizpence each; by post Three Shillings.
THE. BRITISH WORKING MAN.
SBY ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By 'J. F. SULLIVA-.
,. One Shilling; by post, 18. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
Ovza ONE HUNDRED iILLUSTRATIONS BY FREDERICK BARNARD.
SUn.iform with the above,
MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE.
AN ILLUSTRATED NOVELETTE.
"The author has a stgry to tell, and tells it in a clever fashion."- -
FUN OFFICE, FLEET STREET, E.O.
CHADWICK'S ad bur
El L hBEARS THE Cocoa thickensin mOC L
STRIANOLE TICKET the cup it proves
S aASKR YAOUR the additi on of f
UU iiC OT lN ^ PURE!!! SOLULE!! REFRESHING !!!
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Amdrew's Fil, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 156, Fleet Street, E.C.-London July 28, 18,0.
AUG. 4, 1880.]
THE DOOR MAT.
SOME people's hands are clean and neat-
They pride themselves on that-
And yet they never wipe their feet
Upon the hall-door mat.
To dirty mats they seem afraid,
So constantly refuse
To recognize that they are made
Like other thingE-to use.
You may put SALVE" on your mat,
Your visitors to please,
But some of them will fancy that
'Tis meant their toots to grease !
To Latin some make no pretence,
,4And, no one to excuse,
Print on their mats plain common sen'e
In English-" WIPE TOUR SHOES!"
But there's a difficulty here-
A doubt some person moots-
"The order's not for me, 'tis clear,
Because I'm wearing BOOTS "
On other grounds that might be shown
He might the words contemn,
Because his shoes were not his own-
He hadn't paid for them !
But anyone who makes such jokes
You should decline to know;
And keep your mat for other folks,
Whose ways are not so low.
,The careful householder will meet-
And this he always finds-
In those who do not wipe their feet
On head and feet, 'tis truly said,
Our understanding can
Alone rely-for feet and head
But show the ends of man.
And he who will not use the mat
Should never be your guest;
But he who does-why, tell him that
You'll let the mat-ter rest !
THE rumour that the lunatics Sir James
Ingham interviewed recently at Bow-
street (charged with wandering at large)
were Justices of the Peace is totally un-
founded, though one, by-the-way, was
an old woman, which may have given rise
bo the report. However, we are in a
position to state that several J.P.'s are at
present wandering about (in their minds),
who certainly might be chained up with
[In "Lux" Way!
THE usual cricket match has just been
played, in which 11 Lucases play on one
side. But to call that side the Warnham
Court" Eleven, as they do, is surely to act
on the Lucas a non Lucendo maxim.
NASTY LITTLE THING."
Elder Sister (tired) :-"Do LET'S TURN BACK, WE ARE so FAR FROM HOME ; THUNDER-
STORMS ARE SO FREQUENT, TOO ; AND YOU KNOW HOW FRIGHTENED I AM OF LIGHTNING."
Younger ditto (not tired; wants to go further) :-" COMB ON, IT'S FINE ENOUGH NOW ; YOU
NEEDN'T BE FRIGHTENED OF LIGHTNING, IT WON'T TOUCH YOU. YOU'RE NOT PARTICULARLY
I Zoological [Items.
THE latest reports from the "Zoo show some singularly inte-
resting and novel additions to these ever-attractive gardens. Among
the new arrivals are two American darters from Brazil, It is not
stated whose darters they are, nor whether they are young or pre-
possessing; but the circumstance of their consignment to the Zoologi-
cal Society is curious, as illustrating how they dispose of their super-
fluous olive-branches in Brazil. No doubt, the darters" will pre-
sently be followed by a few sons, while there seems little reason why
these should not be succeeded in turn by a batch of maiden aunts and
mothers-in-law. The Brazilians are evidently an ingenious and
enterprising people; but, in the interests of home produce, it may be
asked whether this kind of thing cannot be supplied in sufficient
quantities at home; or, if these are not of sufficient interest for the
exhibition, whether the exporters of American darters and others
wouldn't like to take a few from this country in exchange. These
sort of favours should surely be reciprocal, and Paterfamilias ought to
look to it. It would be as well, however, to see that there is no
mistake about the female persons referred to, since the same report,
besides mentioning a common rhea from South America, which of
course must be a rheal curiosity, also speaks of a common para-
doxure from India, which rather seems to suggest that the Brazilian
contribution mubt be something like a paradox sure.
VOL. xxxn.-NO. 795.
FUN"N. [AMG. 4, 1880.
THE COMPLETE POLITICAL NURSERY RHYMESTER.
UNDER this title it is understood that Lord John Manners, ex-Post-
master-General and ex-poet of "Young England," is about to
publish, for the edification of infantile Tories, a series of sweetly
naive yet touching lyrics, of which the key-note was struck by his
tuneful Lordship in a speech at a recent Conservative gathering at the
Alexandra Palace. "If he was asked," remarked the noble chairman,
to describe what this present Session of Parliament had been like
he should be disposed to parody a well-known nursery rhyme, and
What is this Session made of ?-
Bradlaugh and Blunder,
Plunder and Thunder,
That's what this Session's made of !"
In the forthcoming collection of Political Nursery Rhymes which the
world are so anxiously expecting may we hope to read this charming
pendant to the Present Session jingle :-
What are little Tories made of ?-
Drummond Wolff's leers,
Buncombe and Bnrtlett, and Bluster and Beer,
That's what little Tories are made of.
This, too, should have great acceptance:-
Little Jack Manners, surrounded by banners,
Sat at a Tory Feed :
Without rhyme or reason, he joked out of season,
And cried, I'm a good boy indeed! "
But this, perhaps, will prove the pearl of the collection:-
High diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle !
The Jingoes at Muswell Hill:
And Willing le laughed to see such sport
When the Jingoes paid the bill.
The Political Nursery Rhymes of Lord John Manners will prove a
work, we should say, fully worthy of the noble bard who once wrote :-
Let arts and commerce, laws, and learning die,
But leave us still our old Nobilitie.
It will be a book without which no Conservative Working Man's
wife's nursery will be complete.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND THE SPORTING MP.'S.
MY scaled orders, it is now an open secret, sir, cautioned me to
hold myself in readiness for early shipment to the East, where you
have it in your heart to send me, should the existing crisis develop
more fully; and I now sleep with a packed portmanteau in my passage
in consequence. But in the meantime meantime I have been in town, as you
know, occupied mainly for the past few days in aiding to the best of
my powers those members of the House of Commons who, being
sportsmen to the backbone, view the rumoured protraction of the
present session far into September with feelings akin to horror and
Of course, sir, these sportive legislators are Tories almost to a
member, and in the ordinary course of events would be hundreds of
miles away from the Clock Tower when the 12th of August dawned.
But now that the Premier has announced his intention to make up in
August and September if necessary for time spent uselessly now, they
feel that much as they dislike the notion they will have to stay in
town as long as Parliament sits. For, don't you see, sir? if they
were to fly to the moors en masse, leaving the Radicals all alone in their
glory, there is no knowing what terrible bills they would not set about
passing. The sportsmen must remain on guard, in fact, and that is
the distressing circumstance which led a deputation of them to wait on
me the other day, in order that I might use my best endeavours to
make their forced detention in London as jolly as it could be under
What they one and all insisted upon was that they must have some-
thing to shoot at every day, and if possible, too, that this something
should be alive, so that they could kill it, or at any rate try their best
to do so.
Well, sir, with my usual readiness, I set to work forthwith, and
you may have seen the first result of my labours already announced.
I have arranged with the committee at Hurlingham, that is to say,
to keep open their gates abnormally late this season; in fact, so long
as Mr. Gladstone keeps St. Stephen's portals ajar, so long will
legislative sportsmen be able to reckon on finding the Hurlingham
wicket swinging on its hinges, and the blue-rock pigeon waiting
within to be blazed away at.
So far, so good, then. Pigeons are not grouse, and Hurlingham is
not Scotland nor Yorkshire; but still blue-rocks take a lot of killing,
some of them, and killing one is well-nigh as exciting as missing a
black cock, I am credibly informed. Hence one ray of light, at
leapt, now illumines the black horizon of our Tory law-makers with the
But this is not enough. There will be late and early sittings in all
probability at Westminster, and much hard and wearying work will
have to be accomplished in- the way of speaking against time, taking
innumerable divisions, reading Blue books aloud, and other similar
modes of obstruction. What the St. Stephen's sportsmen want, then,
is sport of some kind or another laid on the premises, so to speak,
where they can turn to it in any moments of leisure. Something
most exciting could be managed in the way of lobby rabbit shooting if
only consent to turn down afew score of coneys about the precincts of the
House could be obtained. But Mr. Gladstone won't hear of it, and no
doubt he is right in refusing, though his principal reason-that some-
body would be shooting Mr. Biggar, M.P., in mistake, owing to his
eccentric habit of going to sleep about the premises on chairs and in
odd corners, doubled up on a seat like a hare in its form, which is not
like any of the forms of the House, by-the-bye-is not so strikingly
cogent as his reasons usually are.
I have arranged for bait fishing from the river terrace, however,
and have all but gained permission to erect a rifle-tube in Westminster
Hall. The Government would do much to conciliate the Opposition, too,
if they would so far fall in with its wishes as to aid in passing a short
Act legalising the shooting of sparrows within the precincts of the
Houses of Parliament. So much they might do. I certainly advise
such a course, as otherwise there is no knowing what baulked sports-
men might be tempted to do in the way of stalking cab horses, blazing
away at the Royal statues in Westminster Hall, or even taking pot
shots at Big Ben's dial face in their desperation.
I have been in communication with the authorities of the Zoo,"
but they do not anticipate the necessity for killing any of their live
stock for the next month or two. This is a pity, as if they had an old
rhinoceros or any beast of that kind they wished to get rid of, our
sportsmen might get no end of excitement and shooting out of it.
Cats are protected by the laws of the land, but nevertheless I would
advise all owners of feline pets down Westminster way to keep them
in every night whin Parliament sits late after the 12th inst. To
reed of bags made on the distant moors by luckier sportsmen may
move sportive M.P.'s even to illegal acts, and I am not at all sure that
the very Speaker's own favourite "tabby" could come within range
of an ardent sporting legislator with impunity.
By hook or by crook, then, sport of a sort must be found for our
-sporting detenus, and I am open, sir, to any suggestions on the subject
likely to facilitate that end. Much may be done with the aid of a
Westminster Hall rifle gallery, a series of nut-gun stalls in the
lobby, and the shooting of trapped pigeons at Hurlingham to allay
the more ardent sporting tendencies of our Tory M.P.'s. But I shall
not feel content until my arrangements are completed for renting
Clapham Junction between 12 a.m. and 4 a.m. evei y morning on their
behalf, and turning it into a well-stocked rabbit warren, where they
can shoot away to their hearts' content after the House rises. 'Pon my
word, sir, if 1 succeed I ought to be returned to Parliament for this
new "burrow" of mine, eh?"
IS IT A TRUE BILL?
Oir, surely 'tis against the masses' will
The "People's William" 's called Disturbance Bill" ?
A Standing Order.
IT has been said that the divisions taken in the House of Commons
so frequently cannot but affect it unfavourably, owing to the fact that
a House divided against itself cannot stand." But as it happens, the
House does not stand ; its members all sit to a man.
Shakespeare in Basuto-land.
AN ex-captain of the Guards, now a Colonial volunteer, being
ordered to Basuto-land recently, to quell the rising, exclaimed to a
comrade: To what Bas-ut-os may we come, Horatio "
THERE is little wonder that so many collisions occur between ice-
bergs and ships in the Atlantic; captains are, of course, not infallible,
and may make mistakes-but icebergs, it seems, are always in a fog.
WINE IN THE "WOOD."-A "port" Admiral on board of an old
vT. 4, 1880.] FUN. 43
A QUONDAM friend of mine ;-no longer such,
For reasons which the following lines will show- A
Since, when a chum is put upon too much,
The flame of chumship flickers and burns low.
This quondam friend was once my Nestor; nay,
He was my Conscience Keeper, and to him
I fled when doubt threw shadows o'er my way,
In every act deferring to his whim.
Well, on my dressing-table I had found
A billet-douse inviting to afite;
With crested coronet the page was crowned,
Causing my frame with rapture to dilate.
But in the corner there was something tasked
My brain-four letters-heathen Greek to me;
I hastened to my friend and, breathless, asked,
What is the meaning of R.S.V.P.' ? "
So guileless was I that I failed to see
The smile of mischief as he answered, "Oh !
That little query's answered easily :
Refreshments served five punctually,' you know."
I trusted him, the monster I and I kept
The note unanswered; oft in secret conned,
It lay beneath my pillow when I slept,
I hardly wished for any bliss beyond. n *
But the sad ending, reader, may be guessed,
Though up to now you never may, 'tis true,
Have found yourself an unexpected guest,
And supper-covers laid for all but you.
Ah, well! this happened years ago, but since
I've never spoken to that quondam friend,
And never will ; on meeting him I wince,
And show conclusively all's at an end.
Though p'r'aps his grief hereat is somewhat less
Than that which daily, hourly, I deplore;
The thought that, through my over-trustfulness,
Those doors are closed to me for evermore. \ ---\ -
THE pet (possibly a poodle) of Palmer, a publican,
having perpetrated a puncture in the progeny of Plant,
Plant pursued Palmer, the publican, in the police-court, A YOUNG" 'UN'S RIGHT THOUGHTS.
and procured the payment of pounds. Pretty penalty Boy:-" WOT'S I A-oIN' oF ? I'sE THINKIN'."
for Palmer, the publican, but a pleasing perquisite for Mn:-"I HOPE YOU ARE THINKING OF SOMETING GOOD, MY OY.
Plant's progeny! B oy:-" YES, JOLLY GOOD! I'SE THINKING' YOU'RE E ABOUT THE RUMMIEST
EvERY man is, more or less, a law unto himself; but, LOOKING COVE AS EVER I SEE, AND AIN'T WURTH A PENNY IN THE WURLD--
thank goodness every man is not a Brad-laugh. coves AS WEARS THEM 'ATS NEVER IS."
CURT COMMENTS. such a "swell" that it will sink a heavily-laden rowing boat. We
A MEM.BER of the Woolwich Board of Health has written to the hope they will put a stop to these steam launch swells.
papers, complaining that the Thames is being again converted into a At the recent fite at Kensington House, in aid of the Atalanta fund,
huge common sewer. Sewerly the authorities ought to attend to this, the World says, One beautiful young married lady received a ten-
for the stench is as bad as-but there, comparisons in this case would pound note for a button-hole." This is certainly a flimsy" age,
necessarily be "odoriferous." and we do not approve of young married ladies button-holing"
Sir William Jenner is very strong in his denunciation of the gentlemen.
Vaccination Bill, maintaining that if it become law "a person by
paying twenty shillings would have a season ticket for spreading WHEN FOUND MAKE A NOTE OF.
small-pox." In which case we suppose they would be much pitted. THE "European Concert does not seem
On Wednesday week, as King Humbert was entering Naples, a man, The cause of music greatly to promote;
eluding the vigilance of the guards, rushed up to the Royal carriage For we can't a very glowing triumph deem
with gestures of desperation. He was immediately arrested, but it The utterance of one Collective Note "
turned out he was only a chorus singer in distress begging for assist-
ance, whereupon His Majesty ordered some relief to be given to him. The Livery Suit.
We expect the King was also relieved on finding he waq not an assassin.
The disclosure with regard to the scoring at Wimbledon has created WE have been asked whether the Royal Commission to inquire into
a tremendous sensation, and seems to have surprised everybody but us. the Livery Companies of the City will also embrace livery stables
During the whole of the meeting we could not help noticing a marked and job masters' establishments? Well, seeing that every Livery in
difference in the shooting. [So serious do we consider this matter, the City is by its own account a "1 stable" one, and that its wardens
that we have told our contributor that we do not consider it is a and masters have more to do with masterly jobs than any other citizen
Mhootable subject for jesting upon.-En.] j we wot of, we should be inclined to answer the above query in the
In distributing the prizes at the College of Preceptors, on Monday, affirmative.
July 26th, Mir. Mundella, M.P., maintained that "the future Patti at Hom.
greatness of this country depends upon the proper training of women." Pat at ome.
Judged by the length of their skirts, we consider they are already ADELINA PATTI has bought a fine house near Swansea, where she
over-trained. means to settle down, a real rara avis amongst the Taffies, who will
A Cape Town telegram, of July 27th, states that, owing to the now flock to "Swansea" to see" the new "Swan in their midst.
critical situation in Basuto-land, the traders are fortifying their stores. I We have been asked on which side of Swansea La Diva's house lies,
According to all accounts the Cape brandy has always been I and must reply that we do not know further than this, that Madame
considerably "fortified." Patti would certainly have nothing to do with the Mumbles "
The Government's attention has at length been called to the steam
launch nuisance on the Thames. It seems this kind of craft creates TOUGH NUTS TO CRACK.-The Honorary "Kernels."
44 'N. (ArG 4, Ia,
THE FASHIONS FOR ALL SORTS OF MONTHS
Two in the morning toilette for a gentleman.
Unexpected visit cracker-coiffure, for lady
with naturally curling hair.
Open-work kerchief for a gentleman.
The Bull-worrying confection.
I Sudden surprise toilette for bather. The Rotten Row riding costume, with appliqud of mud.
T,'tN.-AUG. 4, 1880.
TIT FOR TAT.
(Compensation for Disturbance Bill)
Landlord:-" AS M1 TENANT HAS 'REASONABLE CAUSE FOR NOT PAYING ME_ RENT, I HAVE 'REASONABLrf
CAUSE' FOR NOT PAYING YOU TAXES."
Ave. 4, 1880.]
AT A BRANCH OFFICE.
\m: a i lli ls I iJ
"SAY, my postal virgin, say,
Are there any letters
In the name of Smith' to-day.?
If so, hand them to me, pray,
And I'll hold myself for aye
Chief among your debtors."
Thus replied that postal belle,
Beaming with good-nature:
Can it be that such a swell
Comes to me to learn to spell ?
Five there are, you know full well-
S, M, I, T, H, sir!"
To THE EDITOR or FUN."
Srn,-I said I was going to have a go at the grouse in a week or so.
A friend of mine is taking me a preliminary run round Scotland
(and paying my ex's, too). Scotland is famous for its hills and its
whisky-also its rain. My friend likes both the hills and the whisky.
I am less exacting in my tastes, my affections are not so broad, and I
only like one of them-it is the whisky. My friend has gone to
climb a hill, and, firm in my determination to do my duty by you, sir,
always, I am seizing the opportunity to write my copy. I am sitting
in the garden of an inn on Loch Awe, the lake lapping at my feet, a
brilliant sunset fading over the distant hills-it is prettier than
Fleet-street, and the midges are biting like mad. They nearly drive
one into the same condition ; but it's worse indoors ; there's no gas, and
they have oil-lamps, and there are more blacks than midges. How-
ever, to business. Here's my
TIP FOR THE BRIGHTON CuP.
I shouldn't like to say a chance
Of winning lay with that Advance ;
If Timour's an intended starter,
Timour should be called a Tartar;
Though no favourite of mine,
There's a chance for Wallenstein ;
Care, if long upon your chest borne,
May be yet dispersed by Westbourne ;
Luck-a most substantial slice-
Should befall young Edelweiss ;
Yet-ha ha !-the foremost marcher,
Who is he but staunch Bay Archer ?
My friend has come back, the moon is rising, young ladies and
young gentlemen are going on the lake in boats to sentimentalise and
catch colds-we are going to have whisky. All is peace.-I am, sir,
yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
An Able Fable.
A SEAL being taunted by a cynical coon with its inability to ascend
to the topmost boughs of a gum-tree, replied calmly, Non possum !"
Moral.-The ablest of seals is not necessarily a possum.
TE NEW ARRIVAL.
A CHARMING little tiddy iddy bit of mother's bliss,
A tiny toddles, sweet as flow'rs of spring;
A precious popsy wopsy-give its mammy, den, a kiss,
A pretty darling itsy witsy ting !
So that's the little fellow! H'm! A healthy looking chap,
Another mouth to feed, as sure as fate!
No, wife, I don't consider that his coming's a mishap,
But still I could have done with less than eight.
My eye Is that the baby ? What a jolly little pup !
But I say, ma, wherever is its nose ?
And I say, father, by-and-bye, when he gets more grown up,
He'll wear my worn-out jackets, I suppose.
Another ? Well, thank goodness, I am not a married man.
What Don't I think him pretty ? No, I don't.
To keep him from the workhouse you must do the best you can;
Don't think that I'll assist you- for I won't!
How are we getting on to-day? I trust we soon shall mend.
We mustn't think we're strong just yet, you know;
We'd better take a something which this afternoon I'll send,
And let me see-hum!-ha!-Ah, yes-just so.
He's lovely, that he is, mum See them sturdy little legs !
He's twice the size of Lady Smither's third ;
And when he comes a-cutting of his little toosey-pegs,
He'll be a man, he will, upon my word.
Oh, yes, dear, he looks healthy, but you mustn't trust to that-
I do not wish, of course, your hopes to dash,
But when I see a tender babe, so ruddy, strong, and fat,
I- look, dear, on his face Is that a rash ?
MA (da capo).
A charming little tiddy iddy bit of mother's bliss,
A tiny toddles, sweet as flow'rs of spring;
A precious popsy wopsy-give it's mammy, den, a kiss,
A pretty darling itsy witsy ting !
All About Everything by One who Knows Nothing.
HER MAJESTY will shortly make Buckingham Palace her permanent
residence, and not only live in the hearts of her people, but in their
The Naval Demonstration by the Powers will once and for ever
settle the Eastern Question. The Sultan considers it a sweet idea, and
it will be received with Turkish delight.
The reported suspicion that Mahomed Jan will declare war on the
new Ameer when the British troops have left the country is Ameer
invention. Afghans are incapable of treachery.
The Claimant's notice of another appeal is received everywhere with
delight, the public being now so much addicted to trials of on-
THERE has been a great fall in the price of hardbake since the
Sittingbourne local authorities closed the sweetstuff-shops in that
town on Sundays. Hardened hardbake miscreants, who were wont
to profanely suck their barley sugar and sip their cool and cheering
sherbet on the Sabbath afternoons, are now reduced to sucking their
fingers. Bulls-eyes and stick-jaw are luxuries only to be remembered
as dainties of the past by the flowery youth of Sittingbourne : we
wonder, though, how the local authorities would like to be deprived
of their cigars and port on Sundays by some despotic power ? Do
unto others, &c. -a- uj .. -,
That Long Slow Fast."
THE doctors who watched the fast-man, Dr. Tanner, declared that
even if his body held out 40 days, his mind would become permanently
impaired. We should (assuming that he is not a humbug) imagine
his mind to have been in a very flabby condition before starting such
a morbid freak. Judging from the importance given to Dr. Tanner's
nasty absurdity by a portion of the press, we may feel assured that
the Gigantic Gooseberry Season" has set in fairly, and promises
this year to be a very good one indeed.
48 UN 4,[A- 418.
VERY HARD LINES.
S"You'vE got the boat dressed' and are ready-
And, please, you are waiting to start."
Oh, can't you get Tommy or Teddy
To manage the cavalier's part ?
"Do come, for with mne it's so jolly-
C iO EI've only to steer and 'look out,'
And sit between Bessy and Dolly,
oneAnd Cissy shall scull me about."
.oOh, would that I could-and you know it-
ouI cannot, I mustn't go now;
Don't be disappointed, and show it,
IiPreventing me keeping a vow.
m tI vowed I would finish the verses
Before I- Oh, Dolly, don't pout !
That Cissy shall scull me about.
I must catch the post with the copy."
Oh, please, you are coming so near !
I'm getting as red as a poppy
With love, vacillation, and fear.
Oh, Dolly, don't cuddle me, beauty !
And, Bessy, my scruples you'll rout.
Oh, Cissy, your lips and my duty
Are Cissy shall scull me about !
CONSEQUENT upon the decision of the Jockey Club
upon the Derby objection, public interest in Benders
4 begins to rule somewhat flat. The Tanner, on the other
hand, has been particularly lively, and in good demand.
Much curiosity is evinced to know what will be
the pecuniary value of the next nine days' wonder.
There have been inquiries about a joey and a brown,
thrand rumours are rife concerning a thick 'un, but these
are mere idle speculations. Chips of information on
this head are eagerly sought.
"AND HE DIDN'T SEEM TO LIKE IT." Shell Out.
IT seems that when one of our ironclads recently put
Ne wly-Afarried Husband (jocularly):-" WELL, DiEAR, Ir THERE IS A into Vigo and saluted, the salute was not returned. The
SMASH ON THE LINE, YOU'aE WEIL PROVIDED FOR. I'VE MADE MY WILL, YOU reason given for this seeming breach of etiquette was,
xNow." They hadn't any powder." It's painful to think
N.-Ar. Wife (playfully):-" YES, LOVE; BUT DON'T YOU TRINK YOU'D what would have been the result had this place been
BETTER RUN AND GET AN INSURANCE TICKET FOR THE LARGEST AMOUNT YOU attacked; the resistance could not have been Vig -
CAN ?-IT WOULD BE SO HANDY TO BUY THE MOURNING: BLACK ALWAYS DID rous, without a shot in the locker, and we trust in the
BECOME ME SO." future to hear a better report.
meal. When he presses to a division hot and impetuous, the old
CAPTAIN OF THE DINNER WAR. stagers immediately know: "Ah,he's got his favourite toad-in-the-hole
THAT perverse Premier has taken to autocratic courses in more than this evening." And when he is seen issuing orders [to Grosvenor or
one sense. He had always been -uspected of sybaritic selfishness, but Cavendish or Kensington to keep men about until nine in the evening,
now he is found out : it is a il hitter beyond doubt that he calls the the same experienced observers remark: She's given him that knuckle
House together at two o'clock in order to be able to go out to dinner. of mutton cold again, and he don't care when he gets home." Again,
This is the last discovery of the mixed Tory committee of M.P.'s and sometimes the House is defrauded of its tea, and made to hear Sir
Society editors (whose one chance of seeing Society this is) which has Wilfrid Lawson instead; and then it is known that at home they
made the secret sins of W. E. G. its chiefest study. have the curate to tea, and W. E. G. would like to be detained on busi-
But our own particular vigilance committee, being composed of ness, and is.
humoric of all colours, who have always the keenest eye for the Thus, among his familiars, his legislative triumphs are always
ridiculous in charge (French sense, too, please), or in proof, that connected with dishes hot and cold. His best budgets are supposed to
industrious body has succeeded in finding out a few more conspicuous be due to nice afternoon teas with plenty of muffins and crumpets. It
evidences of the Prime Minister's mingled greediness and wickedness. is quite certain that cold meat dinners are accountable for some of the
It is not generally known, for instance, that when the House sits up worst hashes he has made of anything; and it is also certain that a
till one in the morning, and is then punctually counted out, the reason capital luncheon helps him to lunge out wonderfully afterwards. The
is that Mr. Gladstone has got a bachelor's supper in the Temple [on Irish Church was disestablished after a wedding-breakfast, where a
(he's awfully addicted to that kind of horrid symposium); nor that his Hibernian cut in before him with the pate de foie gras; and we need
usual fee to the counter-outis five pounds, so lavish is the Chancellor not dilate on the present effects of an Irish stew. Generally his
of the country's money His luncheon, we have found, has a may be regarded as a despotic dinnersty.
disastrous effect on legislation now and then. When Mr. Gladstone
has that game-pie, of which he has been so fond since his youth, Serve Him Right.
(hence the heinous ingratitude of his Hare and Rabbits Bill), he won't A COAL merchant at Hammersmith has been fined 20 for delivering
have the House "made "-this doesn't imply that the House is his three sacks found to be eighty pounds short. We are glad to see the
slaveyy "-until about five, for game-pie requires digesting. When sentence severe. This educated thieving is a weighty matter.
there's only the cold mutton, and the Ceancelloress generally effects a
reduction min the estimates, the Premier is eager for work at noon, and Like a Bird.
better-off luncheoners are oppressed by their luncheons. It is IF Society may be believed, "There are no larks in Scotland." We
nearly the same thing with every other meal-indeed, for a man must, however, beg to differ: we know many Scotchmen, and they
who has stood so much chaff, the Prime Minister is awfully great at a are all, more or less, up to larks."
A o. 4, 1880.] JFUNG 49
OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.
THE Government completely burke
All hostile thoughts and wrong impression
By getting through such heaps of work
So very early in the session;
Why, here is August scarce begun,
And nearly all their work is done !
The Government, if any start
Whatever is in contemplation,
Must somehow manage to depart
From their deplorable stagnation ;
Here August's blooms are all ablow
And not a stitch of work to show!
The Government, we bear in mind,
Succeeded to a hard position,
In finding work of ev'ry kind
In such a muddlesome condition.
And had good reason to deplore
The policy which came before.
The Government, when fate declared
Their time had come to raise the banner,
Had luck to find their way prepared
In such a very able manner ;
The subtle brains preceding theirs
Absolved them from a load of cares.
The Government, as all confess,
Maintain their great prestige unshaken,
By their unqualified success
In all the work they've undertaken,
And this in view of all that one
False step or failure might have done!
That Government's indeed embarked
Upon a raft already breaking,
Is proved by failure which has marked
Its each and ev'ry undertaking;
And this when even one success
Might save it from complete distress&
The Government which bears the brunt
Of fierce and factious agitation,
And turns a cool, unchanging front
To envy and intimidation,
Proclaims itself, 'mid much applause,
A worthy leader of its cause.
The Government content to shunt"
And "tack" at ev'ry new distraction
And show incessant change of front
With each hysterical reaction
Becomes, indeed, a most forlorn
And lamentable mark for scorn.
The Government's unflagging strength,
Displayed in pushing on the Session
Beyond its customary length,
Confirms the general impression
Which simple words are far too faint
For us to even try to paint.
The Government's unheard-of plan
Of dragging on the fruitless Session
Beyond its customary span
Can surely give but one impression;
We won't increase the Leader's shame
By any comment on the same.
DEPLORABLE DOMESTIC ACCIDENT.
A STORM was raging, not in, but over a teacup. Edwin had returned
that morning at half-past two, and being unable to fit the latch-key
in the letter-box, had dislocated the bell-handle, besides waking
Angelina and the baby. Further, he had declared that the "present
depression in trade prevented him from purchasing that "duck of a
bonnet which had been for so long the object of Angelina's admira-
tion. Entreaties, expostulations, even tears had been lavished, taunts
had been flung at Edwin's head, (and at one time it seemed as though
the slop-basin would follow), but in vain. At last the tempestuous
rain of tears was exhausted and the nag, or rather the "nagging,"
settled down into that measured pace which, from dreadful experience,
Edwin knew so well. For a time he tried to seek unconsciousness in
the columns of the English Mechanic, but still Angelina, like the brook,
" went on," and seemed determined to "go on" for over. At last,
with a light in his eyes that meant mischief, he handed her the paper,
remarking, There's something in this paragraph of vital
importance, but I don't quite see it; read it aloud, dearest, and give
me the benefit of your superior understanding, and we'll think over
That bonnet affair."
Angelina, unsuspectingly, even eagerly, took the paper and read as
follows.-" The now extinct Tasmanian race was, like the Australian,
prognathous, platyrhine, microseme, microcephalic, but in relations of
the length to the breadth of the cranium not delichoceophalic- but mes-
-aticophalic "-here she staggered,then wentongamely-" i.e.,lbotween
delichocephalic and brachycephalic. The Bushmen, whilst mesatice-
phalic, platyrhine, microseme, microcephalic "-once more she paused,
but, remembering the bonnet, made one more gallant spurt-" are,.as
regards the upper jaw, not prognathous, but orthognathous." As she
ceased, her head dropped, and the neighboring doctor assures: that
fiend of an Edwin that his wife won't be able to use her lower jaw for
.-at least six months hence.
THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.
Tars is the Housethat Jack built. Johi Imperial
This .is the Malt that lay in the House that Malt.
Jack built. )
This is the Rat that ate the Malt that lay in } The Malt Tax.
the House that Jack built. I
This is the Cat that killed the Rat that ate
the Malt that lay in the House that Jack Mr. Gladstone.
This is the Dog that worried the Cat that
killed the Rat that ate the Malt that lay in The Opposition.
the House that Jaek built.
This is the Cow with the crumpled horn,
that tossed the Dog that worried the Cat, Government Majority.
This is the Maiden, onew forlorn, that milked
the Cow with the crumpled horn, that Liberal Party.
tossed the Dog that worried the Cat, &e.
This is the Man all tattered and torn, that
kissed the Maiden all forlorn, that milked Working Man, with
the Cow with the crumpled horn, that his vote.
tossed the Dog that worried the Cat, &c.
This is the Priest all shaven and shorn, that \
married the Man, all tattered and torn, that The Ballot Box.
kissed the Maiden all forlorn, that milked
the Cow with the crumpled horn, &c. )
This is the Cock that crowed in the morn,
that wakened the Priest all shaven and Th
shorn, that married the Man all tattered The General Election.
and torn, &c., &c., &c. /
Hints for Leap Year.
THE proper day of the week to select a husband-Choose-day.
The proper day to marry him.-WVeddings-day.
Tan Norwegians declare they are the flower of the united kingdom
of Sweden and Norway. As to their neighbours, they are merely its
S-weeds! And judging by recent events, Norwegians have a
" rooted antipathy to Swedes !
OCTOBan is the great time for brewing ale, we believe, but we should
have thought Febrewary was a month positively made for such a
A NELLYVATING FACT.-That the King of the Hellenes is quite a
" Nelly "-gant young man.
5 F0 U N [A G. 4. 1BS
HE DON'T "CHEWS."
First Fishermnan:-" AIN'T GOT A BIT 0' BACCY TO SPARE, 'AVE YER, TOM?"
Second ditto:-" NeT FOR YOU I JEST BEEN YER PUT A LOT IN YER POCKET."
First ditto:-" WELL, THEN, I CALL THAT REG' LAR ONGR&ATEFUL! I WAS A-GOIN' TO KEPEP THAT AGIN you MIGHT WANT TO AX PAR ROMR.
HOW I SPENT MY BANK HOLIDAY. Ready next Thursdzy, 5th inst.,
A LAZY, stay-at-home old friend of mine called on me pretty late PBICE ONE SHILLING, FOST-FREE, Is. 21d.,
in the evening.
"Well, aren't you tired after your day?" said he. FUN'S NEW HOLIDAY BOOK,
Not in the least," said I. N
There was an awful crush, I suppose ?" Said he. FUN ON THE SAN DS ."
Heaps of room," said I.
Didn't you find all the trains crammed?" said he. A Boox FULL or POETRY, Piobr, AND PICTURES.
I saw none,!' said I. -Pictures on everypayr
Wa't there a difficulty in getting anything to eat ? said he. Piure n every p .
"Got all I wanted," said I.
Were you with any of our mutual friends ? said he. One Silling; by post, s. 2d.,
By myself," said I.' .
Found it rather hot, didn't you?" said he, LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD
"Kept cool enough," said I. NT E TATIN T FR B R.
Were you home at dinner-time ? said he. OvER ONE 0ITNE ILLUSTRATIONS BY FREDERICK BARNARD.
"Punctually," said I. Un form with the above,
And you enjoyed yourself P said he.
"Immensely, said I. MY -NEIGHBOUR NELLIE.
Where have you been ?" said he. AN ILLUSTRATED NOVELETTE.
In bed," said I.
The conversation then dropped. "The author has a-tory to tell, and tells it in a clever fashion."- -
SPATTI "-DE-FOIS-GRAS.-Nightingales, tongues, and truffles. FUN OFFICE, FLEET TREET, E.O.
BLAK KaI tsI
DOME A S
SBRILLIAeNT!! CLEAN!! NO DUST!! cAuTION.- If ff I n
For Excellence of Faor lasrieass Cocoa thickens ien
rQuality, OLD MEDAL tbe cup, it rroveu ih or .
oSold y Grocers and Oilmen everywhere s dh h
Sl bTh A S Emm N either scratch nor spurt, tneepsinto bhe M rounded by a new
E. JAMES & SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOUTlH; t-PURE!!! SOUMt H!! REFRESHING .\ ETSn S TEE 4,KiE.O. .te.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Work, St. Andrer'e Hinl, Doctora' Commons, and published (for the Proprietorsi at 1N,. t street, E.C.-London August 4, 18iS.
Ave. 11, 1880.]
THE FLOWER CRAZE.
TIME was when ladies copied dress
From Rubens or Giotto,
And imitated to excess
A Pompadour" or Watteau."
Such fashions all have had their fling;
And now, Grace, Nell, and Dora
Consider it the proper thing
To make up" after Flora.
For you can hardly see a skirt,
A bodice, hat, or bonnet,
But that the wearer-artful flirt!-
Has grafted Nature on it.
The choicest roses you may meet
In bloom in Piccadilly,
Or, strolling down a smoky street,
Some splendid water-lily.
Nor does this last of Fashion's booms"
Restrict the use of flowers,
For commonplace reception-rooms
Are turned to rural bowers:
Azaleas, orchids, what you please,
Obtrude their tinted craniums ;
While ferns grow up with orange-trees,
And palms with pink geraniums.
Thus leaves and blossoms screen the wall
In emulation hearty,
Until an ordinary ball
Looks like a garden-party :
And soon-if, thinking of the floors,
With grass they shall provide them-
Our gardens will be all indoors,
And we must live outside them !
Staff" and Nonsense!
SEVERAL papers express surprise that General Burrows
should have ridden into Candahar with his whole staff
after the disaster to his troops. They clearly are of
opinion that the General should at least have broken
his "staff" about the backs of some of Ayoub Khan's
A Rocking Horse.
THE sort of steed to suit a lazy man is either a cradle
or an Arabian bed-steed.
THE fact that 107,852 persons visited the Alexandra Palace on Bank
Holiday shows that not only is the proprietor Willing to provide an
attractive programme, but that the public is willing to patronise it.
The instituting plenty of free places at every entertainment is a step
in the right direction. These exhibitions cannot be more free than
The Crystal Palace has wisely decided to make the admission on
Saturday from now till the end of September one shilling, and we
fancy henceforth the company will be pretty bobbish. The gardens
are looking so lovely that the managers have good grounds to expect
The Royal Aquarium presents a most diversified programme of en-
tertaining entertainers, and independent of Messrs. Chang, Brustad,
and Chemab, has really a gigantic list of attractions.
H overly's American United Mastodon Minstrels, at Her Majesty's,
forty in lumber, is undoubtedly the biggest thing of the kind ever
attempted. Their forte singing is allowed to be superb. With regard
to the announcement that the audiences boil over with excitement, cer-
tainly nothing simmerlar has been seen in this country.
Notwithstanding the success of this troupe, crowds continually troop
to St. James's Hall, where the Moore and Burgess Minstrels are as
popular as ever. We should have thought the proprietors would have
been jealous, but the first-named says the Moore the merrier.
Madame Tussaud's continues as attractive as of old, and is what it
has always been and ever will be-a model exhibition.
Messrs. Maskelyne and Cooke are, if possible, more mystifying than
ever, and their success is most mysterious. The latest novelties are
brass instruments, made to play with taste and precision, though held
by the audience in the centre of the hall. It must not be inferred
from this, however, that Messrs. M. and C. cannot hold their own, be-
cause they can and do.
A TRUSTY ANIMAL.
Hostess:-"NA, NA, TAM, NAE MAIR WHrUSKEY THE DAY. YE'VE HED '8
MUCKLE 'S YE CAN BE TRUSTED TO CAIRRY."
Tam:-" HOUT AWA' WI' YE, WUMMAN IT'S NO ME 'AT'LL CARRY IT.
THE POWNY 'LL CARRY ME AN' THE WHUSKEY TAE !"
All About Everything by One who Knows Nothing.
Do I know the Prince of Wales ? I should think I do, considering
we were boys together. Yes, he's the prince of good fellows, is Albert
Edward, and it's all nonsense to say he's hard up. Fact is, he doesn't
know what to do with his money.
Bosh! Fiddlestick! Of course, the Liberal Government is to
blame for the Afghan disaster. How could the Conservatives be ?
Everyone knows they were idiots, and idiots are not responsible
You don't believe that giving a ftte at Kensington House, and
selling roses for half-a-guinea each in aid of the Atalanta Fund, is
charity? I do. It gives the upper ten something to do, and any-
thing that does that must be a real charity.
Of course, I knew they would send for Sir Bartle Frere. Haven't I
always said that when a man gets a bad name, the only thing is to
re-call him ?
Rough on the Pastrycook.
AT the Guildhall a dirty, rough-looking fellow, named Anthony
Timsley, was charged with defrauding a City confectioner. It seems
he had a cup of tea and several slices of cake, but when asked for the
money, only gave his name. In reply to the charge he said, I was
hungry, and if I beg it is not right, if I take something it is not right,
and in fact there is nothing right in this country." We venture to
disagree with Mr. Timsley : there is something right in this country.
It is not wrong to work, but that is what hulking vagabonds of his
class do not consider right. Hunger is said to be the best sauce, but
we fear the man who takes plum cake on the plea of starvation is
more saucy than hungry.
Is it not strange that so few great mathematicians have been good
VOL. xxxII.-NO. 796.
52 FU N 'Ave. 11, 1880.
Our AnTSTr ON PLEASuin BEaT.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND HIS BEE-CAB.
THE first thought, sir, of a man with a smallincome and a large family
is how to increase the former by what may be called indirect applica-
tions of his talents. A favourite method of doing this with the man
who, in addition to the small income and a large family, has a back
garden of limited dimensions, is by keeping poultry; and nineteen,
men out of twenty who live in the suburbs and ride onthe knifeboards.
of the City buses have at one period or another of their lives kept
I am myself a melancholy case in point, having, at a time when my
extra-special talents as yet lacked that due appreciation now accorded
them, gone in for doubling my income by the sale of home-laid eggs,
raised on an entirely new system, the particulars of which were re-
vealed to the public in a 3s. 6d. handbook, which I burnt in a rage
within six months of its purchase-on the very night, in fact, when
the last of 36 expensive hens expired in a flutter in the costly wire
house I had erected for them. The total expenses I incurred in putting
up this house, buying the hens, fitting their nests with looking-glass
bottoms, and following out other directions in the handbook, was
9 7s. 4d. ; whilst the total number of eggs produced-inclusive of
one laid astray in the sink of a neighbour who was away for a fortnight
at Margate, and another with two yolks laid by.a Cochin in the throes
of death, and broken in consequence-was only 14.
It was an expensive lesson, sir, but it was a very useful one; and, save
for a passing weakness in the matter of silkworms two summers ago, I
have fought shy of all schemes involving my individual dealing with
the more or less well-known members of the dumb creation.
Last year, however, as I think I told you at the time, my attention
was seriously drawn to the question of bee-keeping by certain news-
paper statements, which, as it happened, were curiously confirmed by
a letter I received from Mrs. Extra-Special's second cousin, Joseph
George, who had become a bee-master on the Mississippi, and kindly
sent me a score or so of assorted specimens of his best sorts of insects
in perforated pill-boxes, with full directions for their management.
To briefly describe his method, it consisted in going up and down the
river Mississippi with all his bees on board a barge, which he anchored
off any flowery-looking country long enough to give the bees a chance
of rifling it of its honey. That done, Joseph George would up with
his anchor and pull himself up or down stream again.
But the wonderful part of the system was the manner in which
he had trained his bees to understand and obey the signals he gave on
a small tin whistle; and as the insects he sent me were parent bees in
the prime of life well educated in his method, he suggested that I might
double my income by adapting the bee-barge notion to life in London.
Well, sir, you know me too well to doubt my spirit of enterprise or
to think I calmly accept any good arrangements without endeavouring
to make them still better; and so it was with the bees, 15 of which
luckily survived their incarceration in the pill-box, and recovered
sufficiently three hours after delivery to sting the baby that then
made sweet music in our home.
Finding on inquiry that a barge full of bees would involve a larger
expenditure than I thought desirable, I sat down and in less than an
hour elaborated a new system, in which the bees were to cluster
literally and figuratively ro-.:nd a four-wheeler instead of a lighter. To
purchase a superannuated old "growler," and have it fitted up inside
and out with hives, cunningly made, especially those on the roof, to look
to the casual gazer like bandboxes, and small leather trunks, and other
articles of luggage, was the work of but one Saturday afternoon; whilst
the purchase of a seasoned horse that had been pierced simultaneously by
95 assegais in the Zulu campaign, and the stocking of my eccentric
hives with new bees, one of the trained couples from the States being
carefully placed in each hive to set a bright and shining example to
the rest, followed in due course.
But it was longer work to train my apiarian charges-(" apiarian
charges," I take it, Eir, is distinctly a good term !)-in the bach
yard; and if you know anything of bee nature, sir, you will not be
surprised to learn that nearly six weeks' drill was required to make
the bulk of my stock promptly obey my whistle-signals, and leave the
jam-pots and pineapple-tins with which my back garden in default
of floral wealth-every flower-root was destroyed, you know, in that
terrible Seaside-at-Home experiment a few weeks since-had been
filled. The unsettled state of the season last year prevented me,
however, from giving my system a really fair trial, and it has re-
mained for this present season to prove whether I have in reality
"struck ile in my adaptation of Joseph George's bee-barge idea.
So far I have contented myself with tentative trials near home;
and I must say I have succeeded in rifling several local floral nur-
series with considerable success; but I am anxious to go through the
ambitious metropolitan campaign I have mapped out, and it is my
present intention to start with my adapted four-wheeler and its
pseudo luggage on Friday next on what I may call my "Grand Bee
Tour," which, in spite of its name, I hope may prove an A 1 success.
Briefly, my plan is to drive leisurely up to the place of attack; and;
having seen all is ready, to send in my bees to the assault with the
proper whistle-signal. When enough honey has been collected, and
danger seems imminent, a second signal will recall the bees to their
cunningly-made hives; and I at once drive on to the next place in
Those who take an interest in my welfare will perhaps be pleased to
learn that my Bee-Growler-Bee-Buzzer would sound better, eh ?-
is.due at the Wellington-street gate of the Covent Garden Flower
Market at 9 a.m. on Friday next. From there I drive to the Strand,
where I hope nothing will interfere with the rifling of Mons. Rimmel's
laboratory and flower stores; and that done, my bees are next due at
St. George's, Hanover-square, where, I am advised, a grand floral
wedding will give them a capital chance of securing some really choice
honey. Taking the window-sills en route (or rather "in blossom ")
as I drive slowly down Piccadilly, I shall next let my bees do the
Park beds; concluding a heavy morning's work, if possible, by paying
a short visit to the Flower-walk, Kensington Gardens. So much will
depend on the result of the experiment, that I hope, sir, you will
allow me to relate my adventures some future week.
A PROSE IN VERSE.
So YOU want to know how he lost his leg? I'll tell you the story. Yes,
I remember all as 'twere yesterday. I had on my new print dress-
The one that I bought of a pedlar man that oftentimes came this way,
And over and over I've thought again of the price that he made me
He wasn't the pedlar man they took for the murder of old Sir John,
Who lived in the big red house you see atop of the hill over yon.
Ah a good old squire he was to all-married beneath him, they said,
For my lady that was, if folks spoke true, had been but a dairymaid.
And so, for the matter of that, indeed, was that saucy Sally Brown ;
But she went and married Tom Saunderson, a quarrelsome drunken
Who never would quit the "Peal of Bells" till the whole of his
money was spent,
Which was kept by Sir John's old butler, and Sir John never asked for
And a capital trade he drove, with a nice little penny laid by;
But what's the use of silver and gold when you stretch yourself out
to die ?
For it went to his nephew across the seas by some strange kind of
A happy-go-lucky reckless lad, a devil-may-care sort of chap.
Not like his brother at Farningham, a man without ever a vice,
A credit he was to his family, that had been churchwarden twice.
Dear heart! to think how you draw me on whensoever a tale you
I'll have to tell you some other night how your grandfather last
The Dickens it is !
THE involved Parliamentary position in which Mr. Dodson lately
found himself caused some mad wags to assert that the partnership
between Messrs. Dodson and Fog(g) had, been revived. We need
hardly say that of course this assertion was only made in a Pick-
AUG. 11, 1880.] F U N 53
FASTIDIOUS CHESSMEN. >
You gentlemen who play chess,
Be careful with your H "s,
And yield pronunciation all its rights;
Or you might offend the ears =
Of those spiritual peers,. "T"
The Bishops, and their equerries the Knights. T .
And there's no one more particular, i .. .
No more determined stickler I j I ', '. 'I.. '
..or the recognized proprieties of speech,
Than your King and Queen and Rook,
Who can talk like any book,
And will cling to their opinions like a leech.
t Should you venture contradiction
To this pleasing little fiction,
You have doubtless ample reason. But beware !
You must mind your P.s and Q.s, a
Or to move they may refuse,
For they act" without exception "on the square."
A Mere Matter of A-count. -
THE papers all united in stating that Mr. Ashmead c
was again counted out last Friday week in the l
House. Our reporter informs us that this was not the -
case, as the Speaker was most careful in "counting
in" the hon. member-who, by the way, clearly ought -a- -
to be a Count "-y Member. The proof of which "
statement is found in the fact that by counting in Mr.
Bartlett, the Speaker made out 38 Members to be pre-
sent, whereas, without him, the total would have been
We'll "Warren"-t you 'tis so. "
WHILsT the Home Office, headed by Sir W. Harcourt, -
was spending its time in consulting how to push the Bill
with regard to Hares and Rabbits, the War Office, for
its part, has, ever since the latest Afghan news, had
little time to think of anything but Burrows." ONE WAY OF DESCRIBING HIM.
THo MosT RQENT MILITARY EWGAGEMEWTrrs.- StreSet Boy (apropos of our very tallfriend) :-" OH, My, BLL I! LooK 'AM
Those between Lifeguardsmen and cooks. IERE'S A S'AR-F-IcKEa"
MUSICAL NOTES. "O whatnetty bracelets! "
IT is natural that the same musical note can be A sharp and B flat IF we are ever taken into custody, may it be in Durham! The
at the same time. police have some regard for the appearance of their prisoners in that
A chaunt is used by horse dealers for purposes of deception- county; they brighten the lot of the malefactor and brighten his
hence they are called horse-chaunters.o handcuffs by having them nickel-plated. The county authorities
A "madrigal" is the song of a young mother-the word being a have lately ordered the Plating Company at Stockton-on-Tees to plate
compound of Inadre, Italian for mother, and gal, or girl-literally, 500 pairs of handcuffs. We always liked beauty adorned ourselves, and
"girl mother." the-effect of these "darbies on the wrists of a delicate garotter must
A "pastoral" means beyond hearing-past oral; it is a piece of indeed be charming; we knew also that a good deal of guilt always
music composed for the deaf and dumb. existed in Durham, but were totally unprepared for this silver
A ditty is a drinking song; the name is derived from D. T. guilt" arrangement.
Choral" music is, of course, intended to be red (as coral) at sight.
A "canon," if it goes off well, makes a hit. Not at all the Ticket."
Pieces to be played on Musical Glasses" are written in "Bars T South Eastern Railway Company's Notice at Cannon-street
and produced by "taps." THE South Eastern Railway Company's "Notice" at Cannon-street
Lawyers prefer music in 6-8 time. Terminus to the effect that "tickets once nipped and defaced at the
When the fire is low, the kettle sings ant--il barriers, and the passengers admitted to the platform, will have to be
The best way of preserng music is to write it above the treble delivered up to the company," has created a good deal of excitement
clef, because it's (s) alt. and nervousness amongst the gentle travellers by the S. E. Specula-
The "singg voice" of a washerwoman is always a s -ra tions as to what becomes of the passengers when delivered up to the
When a musinging voice"has a bar rest, herw becomanes pro tealways. (of the music)rano companyarerife. Are the unfortunate beings treated like their tickets,
When a a musician has a bar restar-rester. "nipped and defaced" ? We earnestly hope Mr. P. Taylor, M.P., will
"Chords" and "lines" are what the notes are tied together with take the matter up.
to produce concord.
The "Jew's harp" took its name from having been invented by a The Upper Crust.
Jew sharp. ON the occasion of the debate in the Lords on the Compensation for
Cantata is merely Italian for potato-can. Disturbance Bill there was a greater assemblage of peers than has
Vocal music" is so named from having been introduced by the been known for years past, some of them, itis said, being "so old and
Vokes family. weak that they had almost to be carried into the House." Under the
Music petrifies wood, for the "timbre" of a note is its tone. circumstances, it would have been impossible for these to have given
The music of Handel is especially adapted for organ grinding, the Government strong support; in fact, the only reason for their
In arranging concerted pieces, it must be remembered that two presence would seem to be that they were waiting to "join the
half-f-lutes do not produce the same orchestral effect as one flute. majIority."
The "colour" of the music of wind instruments is blew. (It is ob-
tained from "tubes.") A NA oAL DISC-onAcz.-The marking scandal at Wimbledon.
PASTIMES CN THE THAMES.
ik S. gS ^ ^ -- ^ s ~ a
"Breaking the Bank."-The great angler-drowning joke.
"Sneaking down on 'em."-Adapted for launches with noiseless engines.
- ~ ~-
"The Neat Cut-in."-A double joke, causing the death of the towed by drowning, and of the tower by strangulation.
F L/N.-AUG. 11 1880.
STAMPING IT OUT.
A painful necessity' both for John Bull and for the Afghan Scorpion.
AUG. 11, 1880.] FU N 57
CLOWNING FOR A LAUGH.
BY A PROFESSOR OF THE ART.
IT isn't that I frown on fun, or even wit despise,
It isn't that I'm great, or, what is easier, simply wise ;
I scorn nor fancy's frolic freak, nor leisure's lightsome lay
(Alliteration isn't up to that form every day).
I would be gay with young and old, and eke once in a while
Permit the modern music-hall to catch me with a smile ;
But, oh, it chills me to the bone, in patent" house or gaff,
To witness those weird fakeer arts called Clowning for a Laugh.
0 width of mouth, 0 length of tongue, 0 breadth of nose and ear,
0 gloves too large, intended to convulse the most austere ;
And you, my poker you, my gamp and babe that ne'er has grown !
How dreadfully you do reflect devices of my own!
I sit upon my dummy brat, I make my poker red,
I trip my own policeman up, I stand upon my head;
"Hot Codlins" ain't at all beneath my laboured lyric chaff,
When, desperate, the muse descends to Clowning for a Laugh.
The breaches in our best planned scenes-breaches that art deplores--
We know they're intervals for grins that get the most encores;
We know the tags that take the town were tried in sheer despair,
Because it was imperative that something must be there.
Houp la! let's fling a summersault, though other salt we'd like;
Let's put our fingers to our nose, though all the muses strike;
It's very possible the point we miss would not be half
As well received as capers cut in Clowning for a Laugh.
But men who rhyme are not alone in finding humour fail;
The men who reason keep it dark, but their brains sometimes ail ;
They sit upon their babies too ; with painted pokers prod
A dozen people, just to keep one from the land of nod.
And, 'pon my word, it sometimes seems their antics with the powers "
Are rather more extravagant-in divers ways-than ours.
And whether in Blue Books contained, or told by telegraph,
Their entertainments favour more the Clowning than the Laugh.
From the Choir.
WHEN we consider that the distinction between the Liturgy and the
letter G is only a question of accent, there appears a propriety in
the keynote pervading our church services which could not attach to
any other in the gamut.
A Link between the Present and the Past.
THE carpet-beds which are so favoured a feature in modern flower
gardens are apparently a graceful tribute to the memory of the god-
dess .Floorer, who was, as we all know, the patroness of ancient
As is well known, the liquorice grown near Pontefract strikes four
or five feet deep into the soil. This root-query, route ?-is naturally
a long one; all the way, indeed, from Spain to the West Riding.
WHAT is the difference between a schemer and a wager-boat ?-One
is an intriguer, and the other an outrigger.
SHEN lovers remonstrate with cynics
ST The fair sex as fickle and false to
They cannot get over the crushing
That every young lady's two he's in her
TEmwNsoN speaks of noses which are
tip-tilted like the petal of a flower."
This flowery compliment to a charming
variety of English beauty is not to be
deemed exclusive, for, pet-als or no
pet-als, they are undubitably all pets.
To be Sue-er.
LOan DUNDREARY says, that if you
had a sister Suesan, she would never be
herself because she would be always
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
ON Thursday night (the 22nd ult.) the Census Bill
Made its passage through-Committee (not a great display of skill) ,
There-was nothing done on Friday worth recording in our rhyme;
On Monday night the Census Bills were read a final time;
The Irishman's Distresses Bill a second time was read,
Then their lordships went to dinner, and (eventually) bed;
On Tuesday, Compensation for Disturbance made its bow,
And passed through its preliminary reading, anyhow ;
On Thursday, the Distresses Bill Committee struggled through
(Though not without an alteration here and there it's true) ;
And-there's many will be gratified to hear it, I'll engage-
On Friday night it reached, and passed, its very final stage;
On Wednesday, July the 21st, the Customs Bill
Proceeded through Committee with facility until
They reached Clause 43, and then-discussion being born-
They just reported progress and resumed on Friday morn,
When they occupied the sitting till suspension time,- and quite
Concluded the Committee on the Bill on Friday night.
On Thursday, in the meantime, the Disturbance Bill again
Was subject to discussion on report, but in the main
The discussion from discursiveness was singularly free
Until the Bill it stood at length for reading number three
(Which passed upon the Monday-not to keep you in suspense-
By a pretty fair majority, though not at all immense).
On Friday the Armenians' condition was surveyed,
On Monday some remarks on Mr. Dodson's case were made;
!On Tuesday night the matter was again adverted to,
And, Sir Henry Wolff remarking that next Session, with the view
Of enabling any member to resign his seat at will
Without consulting Goverment, he'll-not produce a Bill-
But move for a Committee (a "select") to make it clear,-
The Premier politely and obligingly said "Hear."
A Times report inaccurate Lord Hartington condams ;
And then they have a little talk on Postal Telegrams,
On Wednesday the dreadful news from Candahar was told,
And many there who listened felt the hearts within them cold,
And feelingly acknowledged in their very inmost core
The horror and the cruelty and wickedness of war.
The Customs Bill (amended) for consideration came,
They, by-and-by, adjourning the debate upon the same,
But not till Lord George Hamilton had wreathed with grins our phiz
With some of that remarkable arithmetic of his.
On Thursday Hares and Rabbits (second reading wasathe thing
Mr. Brand with an amendment to the merry frayto bring.;
Debate on this was soon adjourned, although).thf:actionmwent
(Apparently) against the strong desire of Government.
On Friday they resumed it-Lord J. Manners.fsrifom gay-
On a little technicality they baulked him of ibis say,
And though, no doubt, it shortened the debate aiftle bit,
It wasn't very courteous, Mr. Rylands, you'lladmiti;
Although, upon the other hand, it wasn't quite ac.orime.
The measure was eventually read a second time.
Life in Londonm.
, 'AnRY knows his way about as well as most people. Being
interrogated as to what becomes of the proprietors of Aunt Sally and
the cocoa-nuts when not entertaining the public, he replied, "Why,
they 'aunts alleys, of course."
HERE is comfort for slipshod versifiers. When a line halts or runs
lamely, despair not That apparent defect connects it indissolubly
with the groves of Parnassus, and enables you to address it with confi-
dence as 0 limpy 'un."
In which part of our Asiatis possessions do we find the most bache-
lors ?-In Ceylon, were the natives are all Single he's.
WHAT are the wild waves saying?" is a pretty song, the proper
accompaniment to which would surely be-Nep-tune.
THE Rhine is the king of rivers, for it is called the castled
Rhine," and it is only the king that is castled."
"THE SEASIDE BOOK."
Young Lady (reading advertisement) :-" is THERE A SHOP NEAR HERE WHERE I CAN BUY
THAT BOOK, Fun On the Sands, BOY ? "
Boy :-" OH, YES, MISS, STRAIGHT UP THE STREET-MY MASTER'S, THE PAPER SHOP; I
KNOWS HE 'AVES IT, 'COS I HEERD HIM A-TALKIN' ABOUT IT YESTERDAY."
Young Lady :-" WHAT DID HE SAY?"
Boy:-" WELL, HE SES IT'S S0 BRILLYINT, YOU COULD ALMOST SEE TO READ IT AT NIGHT
WITHOUT A LIGHT."
DOG LATIN. Women's Rights.
iae Canem -He "cave" him the cane. OUR fair Britons never will be slaves, at least, comparatively
Crreie enter C .-A frrenast in calumny, speaking; for instance, although a young wife frequently addresses
Current Calamo.-Cirrent calumny. her spouse as her "own," and sometimes, indeed, her "ownest," who-
.Dum Spiro Spero.--Whilst there's "Spiers" never des-Pond! ever heard one deliberately Call him her "owner
Lapsus Lingue.-Our mother lap-tongue. ever heard deliberately call him her "owner
Medio Tutissimus Ibis.-The Ibis in the middle of the issimus."
(P isthmuss) A MusicA1 NoTE.-A baker should always use a tuning-fork that
.Pendente Lite.-A chandelier in the Law Court. makes Do (ugh !),
[AUG. 11, 1880.
A SUMMER "BLOW."
OH, dear! what a summer this is for
Whose maggotty young, one knows,
Unhappily ruin the best broadcloth
Composing our Sunday clo'es !
Oh, dear! what a summer this is for
Those horrible spiteful elves
Who raise up a bump on the nose-and
Ten times as big as themselves;
Oh, dear what a summer this is for flies !
Oh, dear! how they make me swear,
They get in my nose, and my ears, and
And wriggle beneath my hair.
I've sprinkled some patent Insecticide"
All over the house, but now
Some several buzzers who've death defied
Are roughing my left eye-brow.
I've scattered the powder but still the fly
Whose habit it is to blow,"
Will light on the meat on the fork
Intend to my mouth to go.
I've revelled in poison which dogs and
Won't touch it "-A-D-V-T.
No more will the pertinent beastly gnats-
They only, it seems, touch me.
I've gone for the papers you have to sop,
Whose after-effects you're told
Will settle the creatures; but then they
Down dead in my whiskey cold."
I purchased some stuff to renew the gloss
Of an old pot-hat," so I
Imparted it thick to my ancient goss,"
Then put it away to dry;
But lo! when 1 sought for the tile I'd
I found that a perfect hive
Of midges had stuck to it, and it formed
A catch-'em-alive-alive "
Oh what shall I do in this insect plague,
I'm itching from head to toes ?
A gnat is this minute I feel a vague-
That's jolly he's stung my nose.
Come go it, friend moth, you forget the
Deposit your ghastly seed;
Pray, jovial bluebottle, fill your pouch,
And bring all your friends to feed;
Come, pretty house-fly, prithee do not
To wander about my ear,
Please enter my mouth as I widely
That's right Oh! Ah! Psht! Oh,dear!
THE Wigtown Tory agriculturists did
not succeed in carrying their "Hay"
until the very end of July. In honour
of so unusually late an operation, we pre-
sume, the Hay in question was carried
at the top of a "poll" in all the Wigton
AVG. 11,. 1880.] FU N 59
MASTER TOMMY'S FEAST.
(BY SPrcizA WIEn. FOM Oun Own CoRRESPONDENT.)
_- ..fl_. ..__ ""-A/
THE NusanEY. Monday the -.
MAsrTER TommY commenced his six months' feast at six this morning
in the presence of the family physician, the parish doctor, and the
chemist down the road. Master Tommy is in the highest spirits, and
repeatedly expresses his entire confidence in his ability to come out of
the ordeal in unimpaired health.
Great excitement was manifest among the spectators (among whom
were Master Tommy's papa, mamma, sisters, cousins, and aunts, the
nurse, and other distinguished.persons) as Master Tommy sat down to
He began with great vigour upon a roast turkey and sausages, or
which he ate about six pounds. He then turned to a huge sirloin of
beef, which, together with a large number of potatoes, he appeared to
heartily enjoy. After this he continued with jam tarts, custard,
picklert salmon, trifle, sugar-sticks, boiled mutton, ices, apples, turtle
soup, and other-solids and.delicacies. At six this evening he had been
eating heartily: for -twelve hours, and appeared in-no way incommoded.
The parish doctor and the chemist down the road are confident of
Master Tommy's success, but the family physician has his doubts, and
occasionally shakes his head nervously.
Master Tommy's pulse is 105, strong and regular; temperature 114.
The'dynamometer shows his strength increased since the morning.
Tuesday the -.
Master Tommy has slept soundly for the full two hours which he
allows himself every twenty-four hours; and on being awaked, at
once attacked the provisions with renewed energy and delight. His
weight has increased several pounds since yesterday morning, this fact
being apparent to the eye. As a proof of his confidence and
cheerfulness, it may be noticed that on the nurse's advancing to pat
his back he laughed heartily at the idea of such assistance being!
needed, and flipped a raisin in her eye. His performance to-day
included devilled biscuits, jam, onions, oysters, broiled fowl, cheese,
gingerbread, caviare, and lettuces.
The family physician, on pinching him, discovered several corners
not yet filled up, and appeared somewhat reassured by this. Master
Tommy converses in a buoyant tonewith those around him, occasionally
indulging in practical jokes, which are received with great applause.
Pulse 122, strong and regular; temperature 131. Sphygmographic
tracings show the most reassuring figures, including outlines of little,
men, with and without pipes, pigs in profile, &c.
SMonday the -.
At six this evening Master Tommy completed the fourth week of his
self-imposed feast, his health having apparently suffered little as yet :
on the contrary, he appears to relish his food even-more than at
first; and frequently utters exclamations of delight when any new and
particularly appetising dish it set before him. So far from having any,
distaste for the more solid descriptions of food, he sometimes cries
loudly.for something filling," and takes-great delight in condensed
Chkistmas-pudding roastbeef, boiled beef, and hard dumplings. To-
dalyhe was supplied.vithredherrings, maccareons, curries, winkle1 hotr
toauti sardines in oil, tinned lobsters and peaches tartle,:hamrand'eggs,.
weddingrcake, salad, dumplings, beef, mutton, lamb, veal,. pork, and:
Beyond. requiring a. littledassistance in rising-frot hilschair, he is
asiwell,as: ever.; indeed, the family physician is :dailygrowing more
hoefaiL The parish- doctor and the,-chenste. down the .road are
exceedingly jubilant, and .let off some fireworks in. the' garden in
b hiu .ofthlitcoptionof: the: first month.. Pulse. 150, with
Friday the -.
Master Tommy has pains.
Saturday the -.
Master Tommy's pains have increased. He requires patting.
Sunday the -.
Master Tommy's pains are much worse; he is forced to take a short
roll on the floor at intervals. The family physician is anxious, but the
parish doctor and the chemist down the road are still quite hopeful.
Pulse 213; temperature 220. He complains 'of the. boiling causing
him some inconvenience. Sphygmographictracings'include embroidery
patterns, outlines of pantomime demons, &c. Rolling capacity 436-95.
-Friday the --
Master Tommy could only be woke with the aid of heavy boots and
pins this morning, and complained of some feverishness and a sense of
fulness. He was assisted into his chair by the nurse and his mamma.
He is peevish; bites and kicks the visitors; and often exclaims,
"Wot's this ?" when a dish is placed before him.
He affects the lighter kinds of food, but occasionally rallies with.
beef and hard dumplings. This week he has confined himself to
tamarinds, vol-au-vent, soufflet, salad, ices, curry, apple tart, turbot,
nectarines, beef, lamb, hard dumplings, caviare, strawberries, and
pickles. The family physician had some trifling disagreement with
the chemist down the road as to the state of the patient, and knocked
out three of his teeth.
Master Tommy can no longer walk round the table. Pulse 392;
temperature 280 ; rotundity 2000,1.
Master Tommy's pains are bad !
Master Tommy has only one small corner left, Even thisis rapidly
filling up. His belt is giving way. (Later). His belt has-given way.
He requires jumping on to wake him.
'Saturday the -.
Master Tommy's buttons have gone. The pains in his-chest-
increase daily. He is unable to speak, but can grunt slightly. Pulse
507; temperature 1000-his hair has caught fire; rotundity-3004-82.
Another corner has been found and hopes are revived. The patient
Monday the -
This evening at six Master Tommy completed his six months' feast.
He immediately sank back in his chair and snored loudly. Pulse
8,000,001-; temperature 50,000; rotandity, spherical; rolling
capacity limitless He is expected: to sleep for. about a'year. TUe
'nursery is'to.be illuminated.
WITH. sparkling eyes1 and twinkling feet,
On summer lawns, or winter snow shoes,
Our Demoiselles ." make both ends meet"
By fixing Beaux yexs upon bow shoes !
increased strength of beat ; temperature 200 ; sphygmographic
tracings include pictures of omnibuses, designs for wall papers, and
Wednesday the -.
Master Tommy slept somewhat heavily this morning, having
required a good deal of thumping-to wake him.
On his rising the doctor pinched him carefully all over; and was
rewarded by finding several unfilled-up corners.
Master Tommy began upon the victuals with somewhat less vigour
than he displayed last week, but picked up a good deal as the day wore
on. He still occasionally calls for "something filling," butwith,
perhaps, less eagerness that hitherto, his jaw appearing somewhat
He walked three times round the table, being supplied with a
mouthful of food on arriving at each corner; but his step was a little
heavy, and he seemed fatigued on resuming his seat. Pulse 182;
temperature 212; weight 142 lbs., having increased 35 lbs& since the
beginning. Master Tommy now rolls four yards along" a smooth
floor with one push, as against 3 821 X -r' yds. at the start; showing
an increase of rolling capacity of 35-912 -36 104 X *5i. Rotundity
81 53 Rtundity
60 FU N., [AU. 11, 1880.
"YOU'D HARDLY BELIEVE IT, THOUGH."
Thinking of the Captain at the danee last night? Certainly not. She's day-dreaming of those vols-au-vent (Bouchkes la-Reine) she ate at
supper, and wishing she had taken another of them.
IT is gratifying to find that notwithstanding the "heavy wet" on
Bank Holiday,the Police-court charges were this year lighter than ever.
One of the most curious results of the recent storms is that reported
from the Midlands, where whole batches of bread were spoiled owing
to the yeast losing its virtue and net rising to the occasion. This is
very surprising; we should have expected that a storm would have
had a lightning effect.
This reads very oddly:-" Our readers will be glad to learn that
according to the latest bulletin the Duchess of Westminster continues
to improve slowly." If her Grace were recovering rapidly the glad-
ness would be understood.
A man named Brookes, charged at the Southwark Police-court with
threatening his wife, pleaded that she had deserted him no less than
thirty-five times. This looks as if she were one of those Brookes that
go on (badly) for ever.
Wait for Age.
THE age of a woman is always-even if she is a Mrs."-a Miss-
tery. No weight of years is ever allowed to weigh her down, and
although she may be an advanced woman's righter,"she will never
"go in" for suffer-age!
FnurrI "PoRTs."-Valencia, Cadiz and OportZ!
NOTICE !-Next week,
THE SEASIDE HOLIDAY DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN.
FULL OF PICTUREs.-ONE PENNY.
Now Ready, 5th inst.,
PRICE ONE SHILLING, POST-FREE, Is. 21d.,
FUN'S NEW HOLIDAY BOOK,
"FUN ON THE SANDS."
A BooK FULL OF POETRY, PROBE, AND PICTURES.
Pictures on every page.
One Shilling; by post, Is. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
Ov a ONE HUNDRED ILLUsTATIONs BY FREDERICK BARNARD.
Uniform with the above,
MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE.
AN IVUSTRATED NOVELETTE.
"The author has a story to tell, and tells it in a clever fashion."-
FUN OFFICE, FLEET STREET, E.O.
WATSO T N ,' COMPRESSED b
WA TSONS LAUNDadburY
Is made of the FINEST materla's and C a bh n n
goaranteedtobaaPURIFIE GENUINEI F CA'TION-If o
OA P. One po..d bar will do n msOi C AU--N.- *
orkstw.opoud.ofordinary ll Yg oap. Cocoa thickens in.
a..d in much more economical than tle the eup, it proves ESNOOAr
ma heap al aduterated oap.. whieh the addition of
=17Ckly wsite -w.0 in rns. A P Starch. En1iliSE NC r.
One trial will ensure its constant use.
old inllb. ban at d. Of all Grocers, Oilmen, and Stores. PURE!!! SOLUBLE !! REFRESHING !! I
Printed DD & CO., Phesnix Works, St. Andrew's Bail. Ioetrs' Commons, and publishedd (for the 1Poprietors) at 158, Fleet Street, E.C.-L..aon, August 11, law.
As Upie t at
OUR REGATTA AT LITTLE MUDPORT.
I liii .....
-'.:Ti .- lj -4 ___-P ',s~ -
The bills had been out bome wthtb.
_z; .- .
'When tLe eventful say arrived our little town was en fcre.
The first race on t: e cai da proved And when the weather clearI, .h e & .:it unt in il hir, ur proved
rather rough work. aa niI g. "i .: a ~ .
TO THE EnDITO OF FUN."
Hutchklin Manse, Glen Fuskybuekit.,
keep you siand
-. -' .. well supplied
with grouse for
a week or two,
a I wasn't aware
that the friend
(if so I can now
call him) who
/ tiously invited
Snme to i have a
m'- bit 'of shoot-
/'Oi ing intended
to annex all the
birds shot, and
they cost, too.
knee and shortness of puiff are the infirmities of age, and struggling
over miles and miles of those rough moors under a scorching sun
-well, it takes it out of a man, and I do think MacThompson
might have more consideration than to go at such a peg uphill, leaving
me puffing and blowing behind and stumbling over lumps of granite
and beastly heather roots. Suppose my gun was to go off? 'He'd be
satisfied then, I suppose He keeps adding insult to injury, too, by
It is not for s to dispute this statement, of course; but the only poulterer in
the neighbourhood of the Prophet s e Southern home has very large consign-
meats arriving daily, strangely enough from Glen Fuskybuokit.
shouting from distant peaks something in this style Hi! old man, do
put ;our beet leg foremost; you aren t half a climber. Come on "
'"Come on," indeed I'm very much inclinhe-d to tell him to come on
himrefi, only I'm always that puffed-and thirsty torgetfulnebs
another infirdity of old age) always causing me to leave my flask
bithnd. At Srt I used to get ot pretty well with orie iull from Mao-
rhb.rnpi:.'r.' flask ; it hl1d at least one good drink; b1. h,'s taken to
Io.rgc tling lately Forg&tfulilessis inexcusable in ) south Not treat he
evrr sEema to want it- he's never thirsty when we get back at night
I sin, but it's n,.t much use; MacThompson's lather (he's the
-' u.e-nietvr ") always-lo'cksup the whisky a'termy fifth glass. Hesays
to his son in the wretched jargon of these parts, 'I I'm no gann to hae
gude whusky waestit, an' in yere freen's present slate, Jemmy, he'll
just get nought but water, an' he'll never ktn the d. fi reace."
It isn't likely that I should stand this sort of thiru long. and I've
been on the lookout for a chance to get away-of course I didn't pay
to come and of course I don't want to pay to go bact-and at last I
think I've got it. I eaw this advertisement in the local MAil:-
WANTED. -A YOUNG GENTLEMAN of a cheerful and cont' nted disposi-
tion to READ ALOUD to an IN' ALID for tw, bours. daily Thoe ough
kindness and consideration iudi-p-nsable Highest refer nces i-quired. Fare
paid to the LIZARD.-Apply to Mrs. DINAH MITE, I he Lizard. Cornwall.
I wrote off at once, enclosing references (of which I always keep a
good supply on hand), and expect a reply shortly. No tip this week;
nothing worth tipping about. How is it )ou didn't placard my
wonderful success over the Brighton Cup? It ought have been all
over the town. Who gave you absolute first and second? Who?
Important Scientific Discovery.
THE Leeds Mercury is responsible for the following startling
announcement:-" Yesterday afternoon a heavy thunderstorm, accom-
panied by peals of thunder and flashes of lightning, passed over Ferry
Hill and district, doing considerable damage to the crops." F-om
this we would gather that it is possible to have a heavy thunderstorm
unaccompanied by peals-of thunder and flashes of lightning-a new
theory certainly; still, it might be well for our scientific men to look
VOT. xxxI.-No. 797.
The pInue odifb tnI -must ra Vsih
a nieplay of firewor s.
&Xo. 18, 1880.]
F U N t [AUG. 18, 1880.
spinster Landlady :-" THEN YOu AND YOUR MAMMA WANT THE SAME ROOMS YOU HAD
LAST YEAR "
Young Lady:-" YES, Miss SPRIGGINS, ONLY IT ISN'T MAMMA WHO IS WITH ME, BUT MY
HUSBAND; I'VE GOT MARRIED SINCE LAST YEAR."
S. L. :-" LoR, NOW, HAVE YOU ? I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT. YET, AFTER ALL, I DON'T
XNOW WHY I SHOULD BE GLAD; YOU NEVER DID ME ANY HARM, POOR DEAR! "
IT is now customary to speak of a lady's
costume as a marvellously confectioned
dress of three skirts, &c. We presume
this is synonymous with the expression of
"The most gorgeous equipage on the
King's Road at Brighton during the race
week was that of a well-known money-
lender." Naturally it would be a hundred
per cent. better than anyone else.
By her marriage the Baroness Burdett-
Coutts forfeits her partnership in the Bank,
her mansion in Stratton-street, and Holly
Lodge, Highgate, which go to her younger
sister, Mrs. Money. This is as it should
be; that lady's husband being dead, she
has known what it is to be without Money.
At Dublin a gentleman named Egan
has been sent to prison for a month,
without the option of a fine, for damag-
ing a valuable tree in the people's park.
This sentence is tree-mendously severe.
The Blackpool Town Council has de-
clined to accept an offer of the works of
Swedenborg for the Free Library, and
during the discussion Alderman Cocker
asked whether the nature of the books was
religious. There are many people who
believe that Swedenborg is hardly accord-
ing to Cocker.
A man named Peck has been found
guilty of extracting money from the boxes
of Christ Church, Westminster. For six
months at any rate he will not be able to
indulge in Peckulation.
An individual at Brighton who had
taken too much requested a policeman to
lock him up, and as the constable refused
he commenced to beg, whereupon he was
taken into custody. This is our idea of
a funny beggar.
A keeper of a registry office, named
Pipe, has .been swindling people out of
half-crowns on the pretence of getting
them situations. The fraud having been
detected, a number of men who had been
swindled broke his windows and handled
him rather roughly. Had the police not
interfered they would have smashed this
mere sham Pipe.
A Happy Sect.
"SIR F. LYCETT, in acknowledging the
vote, expressed his willingness to give an
additional 500 towards each of ten addi-
tional chapels, if a like additional sum
were given from the fund."-See Daily
Papers. No wonder the reverend and
learned followers of John Wesley in Con-
ference assembled exclaimed unani-
mously, Nobis Lycett esse beatis !"
A PLAYER having won "vantage "-
["If he lose the next stroke the score is
again called deuce."- Vide Laws of Lawn
Tegnis]-and lost it again, may be con-
sidered in re-deuced circumstances !
Getting a Wash Up INQUIRERS.
BOATING men who cannot get on without their usual tub-practice PAPA, what's a globule ?-
during their holidays cannot do better than go to Kings Lynn or Quite right, my dear Bob, you'll
Holbeach; for there they will get the perfection of tub-practice-at Get on if you ask when in doubt;
the Wash. A globule is-well-
It's not easy to tell;
A Crim" Con. Al h! perhaps you had best look it out.
WHY are bathing machines like the interior of Crim Tartary ?-
Why, because their occupants have to tread their sandy steppes." A DBA Ex MACHrrA.-A bathing-machine woman.
THE INEVITABLE AID TO APPETITE AT THE SEASIDF.-The Esplan-
LIMP-PETS" WITHOUT SHELLS.-Pet snakes, aid!
AUG. 18, 1880.]
ON EXPRESSION ONCE MORE.
^^ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ VA WTr;") S___ 2,fl Ai^-! \8 eTa IQ) V ./~BO ,i~i =3-- .-it-1_ --1ar,, .. 1. 111,
Here is another of our Comic Artists. Invented an excellent plan for catching unconscious expression; when out Here's his agent informing a lady that a monster
for a holiday this year. Employed a man to go up to persons and tell them something startling, horrid, or polyp is hanging on to her back-hair.
boisterously funny; and took rapid sketch of the violent expression on their countenances.
He found, in the local aquarium, a fish with a most beautiful smile. Opportunity was too grand to be lost. Sketched the smile.
It was some days after this, when our Artist was bathing, that a monster came up. "You wasn't the gent'eman that bin a-caricatooring my young brother,
was you asked the monster. Heavens I That smile 1 Our hapless Artist recognized it. It was the family smile We shall never find so good
a man to supply that Artist's place on the paper I
...-.. P-. _--F N .
AN AUGUST MEM. TO THE GROUSE.
An idea to equalve the chances of sport: train the birds in the use of firearms, and give them
a chance of bayging a few August warriors.
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
OT, Monday night (the 2nd) was a memorable night!
Their lordships came from far and near all eager for the fight,
A-bringing all their rhetoric and statesmanship and skill
To bear upon the Compensationfor Disturbance Bill.
For, oh! throughout the kingdom there had spread a gruesome tale
At which their landlord-lordships took and trembled, turning pale;
'Twas said the wicked Radicals intended- full of guile-
To give to certain tenants an advantage for awhile :
Advantages to tenants cried their lordships, with a shout,
And they gathered in their hundreds and they kicked the measure out!
Attack no statesman's interest- how good and wiseis he !
But touch him in the pocket !-oh, my goodness! Then you see I
About the Bill in question, though, we have a feeling strong
That, for once, this landlordism isn't altogether wrong.
It took two days to kill that Bill (for Tuesday sealed its fate)
And, ever since, exhausted is their lordships' seeming state ;
Such sudden bursts of energy necessitate a rest,
And they've done but little ever since-and done it of their best.
Although on Friday evening they exhibited some nous
Improving the position of reporters in the House.
On Monday, in the Commons, there was very little done
(Their lordships in the other House monopolized the fun),
There was, though, an announcement which evoked a hearty cheer-
The Government decision to recall Sir Bartle Frere.,
On Tuesday the E.ployers' Liability" became
The subject of the Government and Opposition game;
At both of Tuesday's sittings of Committee they'd a spell,
And it occupied the Wednesday and Thursday ones as well;
On Friday morning getting through Committee with a squeeze,
Though some clauses will oe subj.ut to revision, if you please.
A sort of low-class impudence (a Finigan by name)
On Thursday for an hour or so pursued his little game,
And cheeked the House conceitedly-we p4ss it over, for
We'd bring him into ptoeminence by noticing him more.
Lord Hartington then made it quite ridiculously plain
That the Premier with "that despatch was simply "right again."
And then-oh, goodness gracious You will scarce believe the fact-
Mr. Gorst and Lord R. Churchill, touching on the Ballot Act,
[AvU. 18, 1880.
NOTHING TO DO.
THE times are exceedingly bad,
And-ev'ryone's out of employment;
And so, as no work's to be had,
'Tis clearly the time for enjoyment I
When life is denying us work,
With play we must try to get through it;
Our duty we never will shirk-
We've nothing to do-and we do it.
If ever the times should improve,
And business again become plenty--
And everyone savs it must "move,"
Quite 'emine dis.entiente-
We'll all work again-and so hard
That people will wonder who view it;
Till then, from all labour debarr'd,
We've nothing to do-and we do it.
"The Woman-Slaughter at
PLEASANCE INGLE, the hospital nurse,
certainly got off with a very light sen-
tence Judge Hawkins would no doubt
have lik-d a different verdict, but in spite
of all efforts the jury refused very properly
to be Guiled. Whenever Pleasance tries
to get another situation as nurse we sin-
cerely hope she may be told to go to Bath
A FESTIVE voune party, named Hall, has
been hauled up" 'in Leeds for trixamy.
Hall must indeed be fond of the H-altar;
but he has found out, alas that too much
marriage may end in a cell.
Showed much sorrow at its absence-'twas a lovely sight to see,
Which the Liberals (who passed the Bill) observed with smiling glee.
Then Mr. J. McCarthy's resolution, with the view
The Laud Act (1870) Commission to renew,
Was placed before the members (as you'll, maybe, recollect),
Which,. after some discussion they proceeded to reject.
Lord Hartington, on Friday, said the Government begins
To hope a Turkish settlement about Montenegrins.
(Although we wouldn't hint a doubt of Governmental plan,
We 11 whisper that Lord Hartington's a rather hopeful man.)
And then the news from India, one very plainly sees
By cables from Cabul that we are not at Cabulese.
At night a little talk arose from some who wished to thwart
The slaughtering of cattle from America, in port.
They said 'twas no protection, kept the prices up, and such,
But their efforts were abortive, so it doesn't matter much.
The Western Highlands.
TRAVELLERS desirous of seeing the romantic islands of Staffa and
lona should take warning by a friend of ours who, being told that
Ohan was the proper place to book from, presented himself at the
Viaduct station, and was informed that the spot referred to was not
the 'Olbornof his cl 7.]'hud. but aplade considerably further north.
Fast and Furious.
"DR. TANNER'S Fast" is the legend that persistently and irri.
tatingly stared us in the face for weeks together, as we perused our
morning paper-so much so that, maddemnd and enraged, we were
constrained to declare that, so far from being fast, Dr. Tanner was
True to the Leather!
THAT Dr. Tanner should have accomplished his self-imposed
advertising and (in respect of published details) somewhat disgusting
feat, should occasion no surprise, for has not our Shakespeare remarked
that, even after death, Your tanner will last you some nine years "
"CRUET-Y TO ANIMALs.-Charging the swindled lodger 2s. 6d. a
week for pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
A LITEAL" ANOMALY.-That in going to North Wales you come
to the "Dee "-side before you do to the C "-side.
FIJN.--AUG. 18, 1880.
l- T .-- _______ __ _____
AT THE SEASIDE.-A HOLIDAY DREAM.
AUe. 18, 1880.]
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
V-,, / < drama by Mr.
is in rehearsal
"Aat the Park
j1 ii w Pill~ ~ runs the an-
should think it
N would be a suc -
s A ain cess. Delilah,
from her asso-
with the best
S" bring ing
M essrs .
accordingto a contemporary, entered into a curious arrangement with
certain French authors. They have secured the acting right of
Sardon's next. three plays, Meilhac and Halivy's next six, all that
Messrs. A. d'Ennery and Belot may write in the future, one or two
by Hennequin, and one or two by Delpit. I suppose they have paid
some kind of retaining fee for the advantage, and then-suppose
Messrs. d'Ennery and Belot don't write any more plays!
The Mighty Dollar will be produced at the Gaiety on the 30th inst.
No doubt the management will obtain a good return for their enter-
prise. The Mighty Dollar must draw s. d.-money begets money
Miss Leslie's name was absent from the Alhambra bill a little while
since-her place being taken first by Miss Grundy, since by someone
else-which one discovered only by visiting the performance. This
was careless of the management, to say the least of it. What does
Mrs. Grundy say ?
Mr. Arthur Matthison is to "double" Mr. Henry Irving in the
torsicean Brothers. I've no objection myself to seeing an equal to
Mx. Irving arise-but it must indeed be a clever man to double him.
THIS MERCENARY WORLD.
(A TALE OF A SEASIDE RESORT.)
His notion was not to get away from his kind. Indeed, although
he loved the beauties of inanimate nature, he was no morbid craver
after solitude, but determined to spend his holiday at Ramstairs (or it
may have been Broadgate-I do not rightly remember) among crowds
of his fellow men. He had always maintained the most cheerful views
as to the geniality of -the people one meets at watering- places;
especially that of the inhabitants. And on arriving at his goal he was
far from disappointed. As he alighted from the train a porter smiled
upon him with a smile which was almost fatherly, and inquired whether
he could assist him with his trunk. Podwoliengton had no trunk, but
he wrung the porter's hand thankfully. Then a long row of cabmen
smiled upon him and begged him to avail himself of their vehicles.
He did not wish to ride, but gratefully went to the end of the rank and
shook the hand of each flyman in his progress to the other end. In
the street many boys smiled upon him and offered to carry his hand-
bag:how he declined their offer, but stroked the head of each youth in
token of gratitude. All the lodging-keepers smiled him through every
street; all the waiters smiled him past the restaurants; all the crossing
sweepers smiled him over the crossings; all the donkey men smiled
him up to pat their animals; all the boatmen and bathing women
smiled him down to the beach. And when he got on the pier at last
his arm ached with shaking hands; his mouth ached with smiling
gratefully; and his heart was so tull of the kindliness of his fellow
creatures that he sat do wn behind the life-buoy house and wept quietly.
He then went back to find his hotel, and a man smiled and offered to
show him the way, an offer which Podwol ington accepted.
'Ere we are, sir ; 'Winkle and Pin Hotel,'" smiled the man, and
lingered. Pod wollington wrung his hand and entered the hotel; but
when he looked out of the coffee-room window the man was still
lingering. P. went out and wrung his hand again, but still the man
lingered, nor did he smile now; on the contrary, his brow was become.
ing hideous with hate.
"What can he wish me to do P asked P. of the waiter.
Well, sir, 'ee pxpecks a trifle, sir, I should say, sir."
A flood of reactionary emotion overwhelmed P. He saw it all-
every one of those who had smiled upon him had done so for disgusting
gain. P. went to bed a moody disappointed man, and woke next
morning wretched and misanthropical.
His notion was to get away from his kind.
He strode away from the hotel-away from the thronged esplanade
and the crowded sands, and wandered alone on the sea shore; and
going round a rock he came upon a lady bathing. Podwollington
started and blushed, but the sea, suddenly closing in behind him,
rendered retreat impossible, and with a hazy recollection in H' brain
of something somewhat similar as to circumstances, wic' he had
seen somewhere, he said, "It is my duty to tell you that ypou l not
The lady (who, we hasten to assure the reader, was some way ont in
the water) did not scream ; on the contrary, to P.'s horror she began
at once to advance towards him. P. stood rooted to the spoD yith
embarrassment; he could only gasp :-" Really, my dear madam "
Steadily she advanced into shallower water; P. clutched the rock with
a despairing grip, but there was no escape. Suddenly an awful weight
fell from the bosom of P. ; he gave one great gasp of relieved propriety ;
for the lady was a mermaid with a tail- so it didn't matter, youkpow.
To see that young thing was to admire; the confiding simplicity
with which he brushed her streaming hair. the graceful, half coquettish
waegle of her tail. the plaintive air which she warbled (employed in
the off-season to lure the mariner to a watery tomb), formed a power
against which the heart of P. struggled in vain. The friendship which
at once sprang up between the two ere long ripened into a warmer
feeling, and they met daily to sit on a large boulder, the mermaid re-
counting in her innocent way harrowing tales of the ships which she
had from time to time, in the off-season, lured to destruction, while P.
smoked happily by her side.
What wonders of the deep she showed to P.'s wondering and
delighted gaze : the Performing Polyp, an intelligent and interesting
creature which came to the surface at a signal from the mermaid-
(whose name was Jane)-and went through a variety of astonishing
and difficult tricks: the Droll Dogfish, with his amusing impersonations
of popular actors; the two S word-fishes, which went through a remark-
able and intricate performance with a .quple of two edged swords; the
Waggish Winkle, a perfect infant prodigy, and so forth. Then her
collection of marine fauna was simply pe-rf,-ct, forming a complete
museum, interesting not only.to the natur'ili-t, but equally delighting
the casual observer by its judicious arrangement and infinite variety
But at length the day came for P. to return to town, and it was
with a heavy heart that he went down to the boulder on that day to
say adieu? The mermaid met him with a smile even sweeter that any
with which he had charmed him before; they sat down side by side
upon the boulder; for a time neither of them spoke, a slight pressure
of the hand alone betokening P.'s emotion; at length Jane drew from
beneath a scale a packet of photographs. P. glanced at them-yes,
there were indeed the sweet features, the coquettish tail, the nicely-
balanced scales of Jane. P. put out his hand eagerly towards the
Will you take one of these ?" asked Jane, with one of her glances.
"0 Jane !" said P.; "can youask ?"
"The carte size is half-a-crown; the cabinet five shillings," she
P. rose, cold all over.
We must settle up to-day" said Jane; "the Polyp performance
is one shilling-you saw that five times-five shillings that will be; and
the Dogfish is sixp--"
P.'s face had been hidden hidden in his hands ; a loud sob interrupted the
mermaid; a short struggle took place in P.'s frame; then P. looked
up, a changed, changed man. You had better summon me for the
amount," he said in a hard, hard voice.
You never heard a mermaid use such language in your life.
When anyone (or anything) smiles upon P. now, he always stops him
or it and inquires the price.
A "Game" Fish.
IT is a curious fact that nearly every star" fish which loses its
"life" leaves a "pool" behind it upon the beach.
Metempsychosis at Sea.
A MAN remembers a previous state of existence when he recollects being
a-board of a boat.
.Ell:-" WELL, JULIAN, I MUST SAY IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO ENTERTAIN y O THE
BEST PART OF A SUMMER'S DAY. FOR MY PART I'VE BEEN AT MY WITS' END TO KNOW WHAT
TO DO IN THIS DULL PLACE."
Julian:-" OH, I SUPPOSE BY THAT YOU MEAN I AM EASEL-Y AMUSED."
[AUG. 18, 1880.
BY THE SAD SEA WAVES.
(BY OUR UT~mELY UNRELIABLE CON-
Brighton, 11th August.
IMMEDIATELY on receipt of your tele-
gram I started as requested to do the
watering places, and arrived here at 4
p.m. I find it is not so easy to do "
them, however, asI thought. At the Grand
(when they found my luggage only con-
sisted of a newspaper parcel) they had not
a room to spare; the New Steine regretted
they could not accommodate me, but as-
sured me I left without a Steine upon my
character. The Old Ship which faces the
sea was a regular facer-wanted the money
in advance; need I say I retired? Have
found magnificent accommodation hard
by, but there is a card hanging up in the
chief room stating "no trust," which
does not suit me to a tick, also "cooking
charged for, id." I find no change in
Brighton (it's true I have been trying to
get rid of those imitation sovereigns). I
think if you want me to go the round I
had better do it on the square. Send
cheque for three figures.
Sea House Hotel, Worthing, 12th August.
Remittance received. For this relief
much thanks. Came on here, and am
doing Worthing in grand style. It's an
awfully fast, go-ahead sort of place. All
the professional beauties are here, and
every other person is a celebrity. It is
one continued round of excitement from
morn till night.
The Granville, Ramsgate, 13th August.
What a comfort to come to this quiet
little place after that noisy, rollicking,
racketty Worthing Here all is calm,
all still "; still it is infinitely preferable
to those places where niggers, German
bands, and Punch and Judys abound.
Lodgings are dirt cheap, and you can
walk for miles without seeing a soul on the
shore. [Shorely this is a mistake.-ED.]
Cliftonville, Margate, 14th August.
Another dear, delightfully dull place.
Nothing approaching the outri or vulgar
at this retreat. The few people you do
come across are either bishops or peers of
the realm, and all eminently Christian
people. [We have our suspicions that this
is a Jew de mo'.-ED.]
West Cliff, Folkestone, 16th August.
Oh, horrible, most horrible What a
frightful contrast to the refinement I have
just left Scarcely anyone but caddish
clerks and music-hall stars. The place is
placarded with Bills and the streets are
full of 'Arrys.
Love! Love! Beautiful Love!
THERE is no doubt that the younger
brother of the Member for "Eye" in a
smart fellow, and has an eye to the main
chance. However, if there is a disparity
in years, he marries a thoroughly good
woman, and we wish them both well.
"MORE free than whelk-come," as the popular shell-fish said to
"Oh, 'tar'-ry, 'tar'-ry not so long," as the boat said to the
ancient mariner who caulked her.
"You suit me to a 'tea,'" as the cheap-tripper said to the shrimp.
Call us not weeds,' we are leaves of the c******," as the cheap
cigar said to 'Arry.
"He 'banks' and 'brays,'" as the sober resident said of the
We may be happy, yacht," as the bilious passenger said to his
Then yawl' remember me," as the B. P. continued in a moment
of intermittent ease.
On pleasure bent,'" as the sick excursionist whispered to the
ocean as he leaned over the bulwarks.
AnvicE TO FISHMOINeR. How to keep fish during the hot
weather.-Only buy at market that which has been caught at least
four days. If your customers are at all sharp you will then stand a
good chance of keeping it any length of time you like. AnvICE TO
Cooxs.-A tightfit is not necessary when dressing fish during sultry
AuG. 18, 1880.] JF'U N 71
A VIOLENT CHECK.
A SEASIDE SADNESS.
I TENDERLY loved the rolling sea
In infancy's early dawn;
The sea, in return, grew fond of me
And crept to my feet to fawn.
With genial joy it clung to me
Whenever I went to dip,
I simply adored the rolling sea
(I hadn't been on a ship).
I'd rush to its side whene'er I could
(A couple of weeks a year),
'Twould twinkle and dimple and smile, it would,
As soon as it found me near;
would creep to my boots very slow and sly,
Pretending to spoil my socks,
And often say Boh! as I passed it by,
And jump at me round the rocks.
'Twould show me the way to a lovely cove
With stretches of silver sands,
And then it would cut me off, by Jove !
From nurses, and babes, and bands.
Its murmur with fancies would fill my brain
As long as it found the room-
Ah, me that such love should end in pain !
Ah, me for my dreadful doom.
'Tis but a couple of years ago-
It seems like an age to me-
My usual time came round, you know,
To visit my own, my sea.
But seeing how often some blatant dunce
Would sneer at my clothes and smile,
I said to myself, Suppose, for once,
We do it in regular style ?
"A thing that your friend, the sea, you'll find
Will take as a sort of treat
To see you in togs of a tourist kind-
They're always so nice and neat."
So I bought me a check to deck my back
(" The Regular Rorty Rig "),
And the check was red-the check was black-
And the cheek was broad and big.
I eagerly sought the sea once more,
Who fondly caressed my boot,
Then suddenly roared with a fearful roar
On noting my noble suit;
I saw, through a mist of blinding tears,
Its optics with rage dilate,
And knew that the love of the bygone years
Was turned to a fiendish hate.
It tore me aloft on a mighty wave,
With groans and gruesome shrieks,
And, flinging me down in a distant cave,
It lashed me for weeks and weeks;
And curling around, it jeered my plight
With cruelly hissing seethe,
While the suit, having shrunken, it grew so tight
I didn't attempt to breathe.
And daily that suit will shrink and shrink,
Until it's absurdly plain
Though I entered it easy enough, I think
I'll never get out again.
Alone and in corners I sadly sit
And wish I had ne'er been bornm-
A spiritless butt for youthful wit,
A target for senile scorn.
A Post-prandial Reflection.
WHEN guests rise from the dinner-table, why do they
recall to one's memory the name of a town at the
Antipodes ?-Because they are Dunedin (don eatin').
A QUESTION FOR OVER-PRESERyING" LANDOWNERS.
-Whether their game is worth its "scandal" F
OTIUM CUM DIG.-Doing "the doles far" on the
beach,- with an occasional turn at the wooden spade of
SUNDAY AT THE SEASIDE.
is:-1" AREN'T YOU COMING TO CHURCH WITH US THIS MORNING, HERBERT?"
Herbert:- No, AN EXCURSION TRAIN IS JUST IN, BO I SHALL STROLL ABOUT
ON THE BEACH AND LOOK AT THE BREAKERS-THE SABBATH BREAKERS, I MEAN."
IT is well to take lodgings in company, but anyone can safely let them-alone.
. Be quite sure before you go for a sail that it is worth the fetching.
Never boast of the noblemen you may meet with at the seaside. They are at most
but twopenny-halfpenny, or rather only twopenny "piers."
Should a boatman ever ask you to take an oar whilst you are out for a row, hum
gently, in reply, Well, let the keel' row."
Never trust to the curative properties of French sea-water. Across the Channel
salt is within an ell" of being a sell," you must remember.
Before going in for a dip consider carefully if the game is worth its "candle."
Sympathise with the downtrodden African by all means; but the best thing to do
with the crush't-Asian," especially if he be a "native," is to swallow him,
grievance and all.
"Hood" Have Thought It P
THE sunshade-like coverings projecting from the Margate bathing-machines have
been painted a bright red, or with green and blue stripes for the season, we hear.
So clearly any one out of employment and seeking subsistence cannot do better than
make for the Isle of Thanet without delay. At Margate, with sixpence in his pocket,
he is certain to be able to obtain not only a bath but a "lively-hood" all the week
"Christians Who Do Not Love One Another."
"THE duty towards your neighbour might be studied with great advantage by
all the officials at St. James's, Hatcham ; the whole lot ought to repeat it together
before every service performed there. It is a pity to see scenes enacted in a,
church that would disgrace the lowest tap-room.
BRIE let me be, sleeping within mine orchard."-Thus, in sepulchral tones,
said the ghost of Hamlet's father; and a very sensible resolve it was, for methinks
the briefer one slumbers the better in so unhealthy and damp a locality.
([AU. 18, 1880
Old Salt (to ascetic Pars8n) :-" VAST OF A FRIDAY EAT FISH OF A FRIDAY THINK 0' THAT THERE WHALE WOT JONAH SWALLERED !
THAT WUR A VAST, ZUR, WASN'T IT?"
SHOULD you form one of a tourist party and wish to prevent any of
its members getting lost, remember that there is nothing which so
safely keeps "two wrists together as a pair of hand-cuffs.
For climbing mountains be sure to provide yourself with a supply
of mountain Peak" and Frean biscuits. N.B -If you keep a man
servant take him with you also, by all means, and send him on in
front. It is a great relief when climbing a mountain to come suddenly
on a valet.
Remember if, whilst travelling in Spain or Portugal, a stranger
refuse to send round the wine at dinner, that the production of your
"pass-port" will instantly ensure the port being passed.
Prepare for insults at all frontier stations. The Affront Here"
might with reason be inscribed on every building occupied by the
Bear in mind that the "Boguey of Continental Hotel bills is the
Bougie. This "candle" (scandal) will remain, we fear, so long as
tourists persistently make light" of it.
Do not forget that Circular Notes must invariably be made out
for "round" sums.
If an artist, you will find it convenient to take a sketch book about.
It is anything but smooth sketching to draw upon your banker,"
unless he be an extraordinarily "plain" man, without a wrinkle or
an inequality of surface.
-:T l 'AaD oatB Zzi
11 l J-*1 ro inadbti |-lt j^
PRICE ONE SHILLING, POST-PREE, IS. 2'd.,
FUN'S NEW HOLIDAY BOOK,
"FUN ON THE SANDS."
A BOOK FULL OF POETRY, PROSE, AND PICTURES.
Pictures on every page.
THE PICTORIAL WORLD,
AN ILLUSTRATED WEEKLY NEWSPAPER.
PaIOE 3D.] [POBT-FaEE, 3JD.
cON FRIDAY, 21sr,
A SEA-SIDE NUMBER,
FULL OF ENGRAVINGS OF BEAUTY. CHARACTERS, SCENERY, AND
PLACES OF AMUSEME T IN AND ABOUT
Price 3d. Post-free, 3 1d.
99, SHOE-LANE, FLEET-STREET.
h* cup, it roee
Soid -d the additionP of
ASod 1 J proves
Boxes. Starch. ss
Each Packet maust bear the Inventor's Address-
ALFRED BIRD, BIR INGHAIT. PURE!!! SOLU LE!!! REFRiESHINa !!!
SNeither scratch nor spurt, the points be rn unmle .y a ncr
process. Sample Box, 6., or post free 7 stir s. Works: Bir
nin gham. London Warehouse, 24, King Edward-st., Newgate-st.
AUG. 25, 1880.] F UIN'". 73
EVERY MAN HAS HIS PRICE.
Old Salt :--" LOOxKE 'EE, MASTER, I LETS THEM BOATS OUT ONE-AND-SIX THE FURST 'OUR, A SHILLIN' EVERY 'OUR ARTER. ARTISTS
PAY SAME AS 'SKURSHINISTS."
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES. On going in committee, too, Sir William Harcourt will
Propose a few amendments to his Hares and Rabbits Bill,
XOI. To banish opposition-or to modify the same,
THE Loans. And oh, he's such a likelihood of winning at the game !
ON Monday night (the 9th, you know) Earl Granville, in reply They reached the Bill on Tuesday, but we feel we're bound to say
To a question from Lord Stanley (he of Alderley), said, "I Mr. Chaplin did his duty-getting bravely in the way-
Decline to say if England will take part in any sort He chattered and he chattered in inconsequence sublime,
Of naval demonstration in connection with the Porte; And fulfilled his noble mission-wasting such a lot of time;
We are not Europe's constables, but neither shall we shrink And many there assisted him to wage the gallant fight,
In any way from duty, whatsoever people think." I Eliciting a well deserved rebuke from Mr. Bright.
Lord Dorchester on Tuesday made remarks which didn't please, On Wednesday, however, they were ev'ry whit as bad
On the Candahar disaster, and created quite a breeze; (A new rebuke from Mr. Bright appeared to send tham mad) :
The remarks were most ungenerous, but in our clever head That Mr. Bright should give rebukes is doubtless hardly fit,
We've somehow got a notion that he don't mean what he said. But somebody should give them you will readily admit.
On Friday night Earl Redesdale enquired with anxious face They wrangled "acrimonious and heatedly until
What Bills might be expected from what's called "another place." The gentle Lord John Manners said if they would pass the Bill
Earl Granville, who of prorogation couldn't clearly speak, They'd better "muzzle" Mr. B.-he didn't think it, though,
Expects the Hares and Rabbits and the "Burials" next week. Or he'd let him talk for ever, as the dullest of us know.
This wild and rabid lunacy, you'll notice, was disclosed
THE COMMONs. In debate upon concessions which Sir William had proposed,
Lord IHartington, on Monday, made a statement of affairs So at last he told the Tories that (no longer time to waste)
About the House's business which elicited some stares ; He would willingly withdraw them if they weren't to their taste.
The time of prorogation is indefinite, for still i The announcement fell upon them like a chill from out the East,
The Government will try to pass their ev'ry blessed Bill. They vowed they'd no intention of annoying in the least;
At which the Minsterialists they up and said Hooray," The Opposition leaders gave their followers advice,
But oh, the Opposition hadn't anything to say And all of them grew civil, deprecatory, and nice.-
(For the moment-though it's probable they'll talk enough in time. IWhy, even Mr. Chaplin spoke and didn't try to rile,"
Poor things! it's all that's left to them, and talking's not a crime*). but progress was reported in a very little while.
And then a lot of questions (to which no one could object) On Thursday, with an opposition faintly at it cast,
Drew forth a lot of answers to the following effect: The Bill concerning Burials its second reading past,
The Pow'rs have all withdrawn their opposition, so to speak, And though some may obstruct it in committee, clause by clause,
To the army-mobilising inclinations of the Greek; They're the last despairing tactics of a dead or dying cause.
Report of captured Chamin, not confirmed at any rate; On Friday, after Mr. Gorst had made a little fuss,
Cabul will by our soldiers be at once evacuate; "Employers' Liability they managed to discuss.
And at the ev'ning sitting they proceeded for to speak
Only it's worse-a blunder. Of Irishmen's distresses just to finish up the week.
voL. xxxII.-NO. 798
74 JF'-N. [AvG. 25, 1880.
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
A R from the
Far from the
Sn goes that' larger
and far more
gate of London
Shumani ty y
SS which is not So-
ciety. Far from
S c ro w d goeth
also the actor to
... mounix, to
t t gentle blue-
A ao M-. stairs, to fair
-- danld misty Scot-
land, to humble
Margit and Ramsgit, and he that goeth abroad letteth his place of
outing eke forth into theatrical prints and is happy, and he that
oth to Ramsgit modestly concealeth his whereabouts and envieth
luckier brother. Yet hath he no need, for it is easy enough, and
asoacheth not the wonderful, to visit far-off lands; there be boats
r there be trains, and men have done it before and will yet again.
liven the seedy old Trophonius hath done it (at some one else's
expense) and sayeth the drinks are bad.
Mr. Such Granville called his "play" at the Connaught Falsely
Judged. During its progress on the first night there were cat-calls,
there were important suggestions made by "the gods," there were
appropriate cheers and ironical applause freely and unreservedly
Svea by an audience which thoroughly enjoyed itself-and the. raison
d'Stre of audiences is enjoyment. Mr. Granville's play is inflated
nonsense. Mr. Granville's play is not falsely judged. Q.E.D.
Colonel Sellers has gone from the Gaiety. It is characteristic of him
that all his great schemes failed; his greatest-that of attracting a
London audience in the dog days-has failed also. Farewell, Colonel.
Ive a tender memory for you; there were good points about you. but
I do not love you. In fact, I don't think much ot the American plays
recently placed before us, nor- taking them in the lump-of the
American actors in them. I do hope Mr. and Mrs. Florence and The
Mighty .Dollar will prove exceptions to this rule-otherwise I shall be
It is opined that the Haymarket will be re-opined with Masks
and Facwes, and that a piece by Mr. Byron will perform the same
operation for the Royalty. It may be so; I do not know. I am far
from the adding crowd myself, and I mean to stay there for three
whole weeks more, until the expiration of which time you will hear
no more of Nxsrod.
Ir is stated that Mrs. Charles Gust has this year varied her annual
entertainment to the fashionable world of Cowes, and given a musical
evening, at which H.R.H. the Prince of Wales was present. The
fact that only very few were invited shows the lady has behaved with
her Cust-omary exclusiveness. How the non-invited must have
In future paying patients are to be admitted to St. Thomas's
Hospital. We have always thought they ought to pay something, for,
considering they get the greatest skill and attention, even the poorest
must admit they are well of.
On her arrival at Copenhagen on the 16th inst., Madame Sarah
Rernhardt was cheered vociferously, thousands of people stationing
Cemselves in front of her hotel all day. It is not surprising that the
Danes should make idiots of themselves, for years ago "there was
something rotten in the state of Denmark."
The lodging-house keepers of Folkestone appear to be having a gay
old time of it. It is stated that they are asking from nine to twelve
C eas a week for one meanly-furnished sitting-room and three or
bed-rooms, on the Lees. We fancy many people will think this
the Leest bit too dear.
Tax WOMLD" is not a fleeting show "
(I've seen it, and I ought to know),
And though it twirls, the learned say,
Upon its axis every day,
You'll find-pray don't the search disdain-
It runs each night in Drury Lane.
Go, reader, you'll a lesson learn,
And give Old Drury's World a turn !
A wicked, rugged world, in sooth,
Not placid, pleasant, calm, and smooth
As worlds should be; not bright and gay
As worlds would be had I my way,
But blurred by crime and stained by sin-
In fact, the world we all live in;
Except-I never yet have met
A scheming, murd'ring baronet;
And to this day I never knew
A coward scoundrel comic Jew,
Nor fell in with a handsome she
No better than she ought to be;
But such folk are I do not doubt,
Praise be to those who found them out!
If melodrames all told the same
Real tale of life they would be tame 1
So rise, my muse, and sing an ode
To steamers loaded to explode,
To terror on the fated craft,
To desperation on the raft,
To dying men by hunger gnawn,
To saving ship and breaking dawn,
To those who soon to England come
To meet at the A-qua-ri-um.
And now, my muse, take breath awhile,
Then Pelion upon Ossa pile,
Of perils, dangers, sorrows, woes,
And further horrors quick disclose.
Sing of the murder, deftly planned,
Sing of the cruel, upraised hand,
Sing of the joy the error gives,
The wrong man killed, the right man lives..
Nor pause for breath, but sing again
In musical, melodious strain-
Sing of a shameless evil tried
In madhouse by the river side;
Of villainy in ev'ry shape,
Of most miraculous escape,
Of scheming rascals, all aghast,
Of evildoers caught at last,
Of death, by most appalling fall,
Of greatest scoundrel of them all;
Then tune your pipe to pleasure's call,
And sing the festive Fancy Ball,
Whence vice is banished, loathed, abhorred,
And virtue reaps its rich reward.
So wags The World. Its changing scenes,
Its actors, with their varied miens,
Its bustle, noise, excitement, strife,
Its sprightliness, its stir, its life,
Might all, perchance, be nearly true
If painted in a lighter hue.
The villains are so very bad,
The doctors are so very mad,
The hero is so very strong,
The wrongdoers so very wrong I
But what of that ? No critic tries
On melodrame to moralise,
And all pronounce-they can't do less-
The piece to be a great success.
So bail the bold triumvirate !
Paul Meritt, whom, the playbills state,
Wirh Henry Pettitt is allied,
And Harris, the lessee, beside.
And now the wheel of fortune's twirled
May all find profits in The World,
Though perish either foe or friend
Who dares to prophecy its end.
The play is good- and for the rest
The actors do their very best.
Judge for yourselves, I now implore you,
My friends-attend-The World's before you
Ave. 25, 1880.]
WARM praise I but seldom accord it,
Untinged with a niggardly stint;
But, oh, I can freely afford it
To thee, my theatrical print.
When sad is my future and solemn's
The care that pursues like a ban,
What rapture to read in your columns
That TERRY has been to Milan."
M.P.'s, rendered rabid by weather,
Like lunatics squabble and scold;
The Turk, at the end of his tether,
Refuses to do as he's told;
The railways the horrors of blood
But (things of this kind though there
"Miss WALLIS is now at Llandudno,"
So what can they matter to me ?
Though recent election petitions
Unblushing corruption lay bare,
Though culpably childish conditions
Of hospital management glare;
Though dynasties totter and tremble,
Though monarchs be hurled from the
What news can in import resemble
Miss TnaRRY is gone to Boolown ?
But nothing is perfect. I'd rather
My paper, no chances to miss,
Would carry its enterprise farther,
And give us some items like this:-
"A super,' who's saved up a tanner,
To Margate has gone for the day;
And Tomkins, who carries a banner,
Has gone for a week to Herne
ONE PLEASURE MORE.
Lady:-" ENJOYABLE HERE? YOU CAN'T GET MORE ENJOYMENT OUT Op IT THAN I DO."
Gent:-" YES, I CAN: I CAN SMOKE."
OUT OF TOWN.
PATERFAMLIAS. Ah, a mouthful of this sea air does one a world of
good! (Afterthought.) Confound it all! those stupid clerks in my
office are certain to make a mess of something while I'm away.
MATERFAMILIAS. It is, indeed, a most refreshing change. (After-
thought.) I quite expect cook will have some muddle with the plum
jam, now that I'm not at home to superintend.
ELDEST SON. It seems to be a stunning sort of place. (After-
thought.) Now, if we hadn't come here, I might be having a jolly
lot of lawn tennis, and I want some more practice.
ELDEST DAUGHTER. I enjoy the scenery here very much. (After-
thought.) Charlie says 'it's impossible for him to run down, so I'm
awfully sorry I ever came away at all.
SECOND SoN. I must say I do like the seaside. (Afterthought.)
I shouldn't be surprised if they forget to feed my rabbits. I wish I
had finished the new hutch before we left !
SECOND DAUGHTER. It's rather amusing to watch the people on
the parade. (Afterthought.) Certainly it's horribly dull to be in a
place where you've no girls of your own age to go about with.
YOUNGEST SON. I call it jolly fun, playing on the beach. (After-
thought.) Dash it! I wonder who's eating all the apples in our
YOUNGEST DAUGHTER. I'm beginning quite to like bathing.
(Afterthought.) After all, I shan't be sorry to go home again-they
don't dip us there.
CHORUS. I say, pa, d'you say we can't give up these lodgings till
the end of the month ?
THE Maidstone correspondent of the Standard is evidently no
practical farmer, for he writes about the hops in which agriculturists
in this district have a considerable stake -which is a palpable
mis-stake. We should have thought everyone was aware that the
Kentish grower trains his hops round a thinpole.
"Virtute me Involve."
WHY," asked the learned pig, am I so highly esteemed in
Ireland P "-" Because," he continued, "I pay the 'rint,' and I
don't go about stealing firearms, but remain at home in my hone-sty."
LAW v. CONSCIENCE.
SAID Judge to the jury at Warwick Assizes,
"You'll find this man guilty of murder, or nought."
He narrowed the issue in these, his surmises,
And straightway the jury the jury-room" sought.
Of murder or nothing," the jury repeated,
But surely the evidence, far as it went,
Proves clearly the life that the culprit escheated
Was lost, to his horror, and not his intent.
It cannot be murder-'tis manslaughter surely! "
On this, we may add, they were all of a mind,
They gave in their verdict, but simply and purely
The Judge to receive it politely declined !
'Tis murder or nothing," his Lordship decided,
And anything else I refuse to accept.
Your verdict, I tell you, must be as I guided;
In LAW you are novices; I'm an adept."
A treat for the jury. The oath they had taken
Insisted their verdict and conscience should fit,
But conscience, the LAW said, must now be forsaken-
It wanted a verdict according to it !
They'd given the verdict they'd sworn to give truly,
That verdict the LAW had decided to flout;
When LAW reckons conscience a trifle unruly,
Why, conscience, unhappily, has to get out."
"'Twas murder or nothing! The LAW it had said it,
And some one was killed, so the jury at last-
I very much doubt if 'twill sound to their credit-
Then found it was murder, and sentence was pass'd.
'Tis murder or nought," said the LAw, without quarter.
The jury's own conscience, according to oath,
Required their returning the verdict Manslaughter "-
Why couldn't they manage to reconcile both P
'Twas murder or nought. But manslaughter's not murder;
And so, than the verdict of murder they brought
They couldn't have possibly found an absurder-
LAW, Conscience could both have been saved by a "nought !
A CIRCULAR NOTE.-Judges, when on their circuits, travel on Try-
[Ave. 2.5, 1880.
THAT ICEBERG BUSINESS.
This is how that business happened. Bill," said one Berg to another, 'Oo's this 'ere intrudin' on our domains, a-lookin' for poles an'
things ?" Dunno," said the other, "let's elber 'im hout."
Well, it got too much; the Icebergs couldn't stand it. So they chose one of their number to carry the war into enemy's waters. Down he
went south, disguised in a fog, intercepted a Cunard, and knocked a bit off its nose.
____ -I >~ ~ -,
But the warmth undermined his strength. Out came some tugs and captured him; and, it's very sad to tell, but heywas slaughtered, and
made into penny ices. And we've just been out and had one of them.
IFUTN.-AUG. 25, 1880.
J. ZBull:-" DELIGHTED, OLD BOY, THAT YOU'RE BETTER. MUSTN'T WORK SO HARD; SPARE YOURSELF,
FOR I CAN'T SPARE YOU."
BY THE RIVER.
Br the twilit Severn river,
In the July gloaming late,
Where the withies bend and quiver,
Sat we down to meditate;
And we thought the fine old thinking
Of all poets since the Ark,
Till we saw come rising, sinking,
Down the stream a something dark.
Our conjectures rose in chorus,
Nearer view disclosed it big-
And there floated down before us
The remains of a black pig!
To THB EDITOR O FUN."
The Lizard, Cornwall.
Sm,-You will perceive by my address that I am here. I wish I
wasn't-but of that anon. Of course I got the place all right. An
answer came by return, enclosing the fare from Glen Fuskybuckit to
the Lizard, second class, and declaring the testimonials (enclosed in
lieu of references) to be extremely satisfactory. I thought they
would be, constant practice enabling me to turn out a much better
article now than formerly. Taking a sneering farewell of McThomp-
son and the venerable whisky-abolitionist, his father, I came here
(third) by way of London. I was obliged to call at London for a clean
collar, and while I was there I thought I'd stay a day or two in town
just to look about and call on old pals. Unfortunately this exhausted
the remainder of the money sent for my fare. At which point
MeThompson forwarded me a letter from Miss Mite expressing some
surprise at my non-arrival-that's just like McThompson; but I wrote
at once to say that I had been busily employed during the week
endeavouring to find, from the time bills, how to get to the Lizard in
less than a week, and as soon as I had transacted this important piece
of business, which I trusted would not detain me beyond the present
century, I would have the pleasure of waiting upon her. Of course
this was all kid" just to gain time, for I was in a bit of a funk.
It wasn't likely the old lady would prosecute me for embezzlement all
that way off, but how did I know what agents she might have hanging
about- and you're always so ready, sir, with my address. Just as I
was thinking of getting an invitation to Norway for the salmon-
fishing-(no extradition treaty with Norway)-I met a young stupid
at a friend's house up with a tourist ticket, from Penryn (which is as
far as the rail goes towards the Lizard), and I got him to lend it to
me, promising to dodge the collectors and return it. Ha! ha! He
didn't remember it would have to be "snipped" at the start! As
soon as I got to the station next morning I scented a row. One of
the ticket examiners, I saw, was a fellow who once got a good deal
mauled as a welsher instead of me (I having indicated him to the
raging crowd), and I felt sure there'd be a bother if he caught sight
of me. I'm a peaceful man, so I avoided him as well as I could, and
slipped into a carriage when he wasn't looking. But my ticket was
in his examining beat! He recognized me at once! He couldn't
have it out like a man; he must take advantage of his official position.
"Hullo," he said, you had your luggage weighed ?" Only got
a carpet bag," I said, apprehensively. And an umbrella," he says;
"you come an' have them weighed. None of your shirking." Then
there was no end of a bother. I expostulated, I struggled, I called
the guard-all to no purpose-guard would t interfere--so I had to
go right round to the other side of the station, all among trucks and
porters and rushing females, and have them weighed. Of course they
were below the allowance. Put your spectalesin," said the fiend;
but, that didn't make much difference; no more did my hat, nor my
boots,, though it seemed to amuse a circle-otgriusingporters. "Well,"
he said, "you can go this time with a caution." I got back at once-
luckily no one had taken the comfortable corner I had previously
selected. But that fellow hadn't done with me yet. He came to
examine the tickets. Here! what's this ?" says he, looking at mine.
"These tickets are not transferable." "Who's transferred it P"
" Why, you have," says he, while everybody got round and listened.
" This ticket's three weeks old,--you've never had it so long, it's too
clean; here, you come out, you're swindling the company. Come
out, I tell you." I tried what I could to prevent it, but he wouldhave
me out-and somebody else got my comfortable corner. But I had a
plan, and when he went on with his examining, after a triumphant grin
at me, I crept up to the engine-driver and stoker and brabed ;them
heavily* to hide me among the coals. They consented, and I got off
at last. But I can't help thinking the driver was deceiving me ,when
he said I should be seen unless I lay exactly on the sharp edge of a
large lump, nor need they have shovelled the coals on top quite so
heavily. And it was very annoying to have one say to the other
every now and then, There's a bit of him showing," and then to
have them throw lumps at me until the part was concealed. It was
under these irritating circumstances that I wrote the following
TIP Fon THE EBon HanzDICAr.
Notice the old man's eye,
See how it rolls;
Hark to the Prophet's sigh,
Under the coals-
Rolls with an eagle glance
Winners to spot;
Here is your only chance-
Put on the pot.
Novice, a favorite, too, quickly we shelve.
What can Roehampton do ? (Eight stone and twelve.)
Those who have backed Advance no one can blame ;
They who like Bluebeard's chance--they are the same.
What of the Alchemist ?
No one can tell.
Do, if you can, resist
Many are bound to lose
Three of them shine,
Take any horse you choose-
It was pitch dark when we got to Penryn (an hour late), so I had no
difficulty in getting on to the platform unobserved-but after! Well,
I've noted the facts in my diary; but, as you won't let me have beyond
a certain space, you must wait another week-so I am yours, &c.,
WE fear that the Government will not succeed in suppressing the
mischievous doctrines of Mr. Parnell and his faction, by sending
a few troops over to Connaught. So long as the present Chief Secre-
tary for Ireland conducts the business, even their most drastic measures
can only tend to Forsser agitation.
Scotched, not Killed.
To be told-as we are by a Society paper which devotes much
attention to female costume-that hackneyed old tartans are coming
again into fashion tempts one to exclaim with the poet:-
Is civilization a failure,
Or isn't the Tartan plaid out ?
Lord Lytton's Arrival.
LORD LYTTON has brought home three buffalo cows: his conduct by
many is thought to have been unwise, but this is the first occasion
that he has proved himself eowherdly.
Caution, Trophonius, cau'ion-un-uitable adjectives are apt to cast suspicion
upon the most authentic narrative.-ED. Fox.
Avu. 25, 1880.]
[AvG. 25, 1880.
Independent Farner's Wife (to Curate) :-" WHAT NOT LIKE THE CHICKENS
WE SOLD YOU LAST? YOU'RE ALLUS A-COMPLAININ' THERE'S SUFFIN THE
MATTER WI' 'EM. THE FACT IS, SIR, YOU OUGHT TO GO TEn HATCH 'EM
Curate mutters, fervently :-".Go TO HATCHAM MYSELF-WITH CHURCH-
WARDEN SAUNDERS THERE! THE SAINTS FORBID "
OUR EXTRA-.SPECIAL GOES A SEA-SIDING.
BUSINESS in my case, sir, or rather, seeing my bees were concerned,
let me say buzziness," has had to give way to pleasure ; and instead
of gathering honey (and very likely whacks), as I had intended, I
have been paying a flying visit-yes, literally a flying visit, sir, for I
have paid it in my balloon- to some of the more popular marine resorts
of the English nation.
It was owing to the wind that my first descent was upon the
"Scarring and "Spa-ring are a pair of rings we usually associate
together, but I could not but think as I looked around me that the
" Scars this part of the Yorkshire coast has received from Time are
much more like beauty spots on the face of Nature.
Having but little time to spare, I asked my way to the Mayor's,
and at once proceeded to his abode, and found his Worship in, but a
little out of sorts.
"I am somewhat bilious," he explained.
"Dear me I answered, "not suffering from mal de mayor', I
I am just dropped down on you," I went on, "to hear how Scar-
borough is getting on. Are the visitors coming in ?"
We are very full," returned the Mayor.
"Still Scarborough is a Spa-cious' town," I returned, waving my
hand towards the fairy-like scene I had left on the right.
Exactly!" agreed his Worship, "but the hotels, I hear, are
Ho-tel-egraph, then, ye who wish for beds !" I murmured half
Qaite so," said the Mayor; "it's safer. By the way, what do you
think of our view ? and he drew me to the window overlooking the
lovely harbour and the castle-crowned hill. "There's a bay he
Ah," I replied, "not at all bad for a German notion, I admit."
(German notion-German Ocean, don't you see?)
The ten thousand lamps were lighted on the Spa; the strains of
Herr Lutz's band were filling the air with dreamy melody; and Scar-
borough was laughing, lolling, musing, walking, and making love,
when I reluctantly stepped into my balloon's "Car-borough" and
sailed away into the night.
Morn was breaking on the rocks beneath me, and the curtains of the
dawn, fresh from the Wash, so to speak, were being drawn aside under
my feet as I hovered over
wondering even at my great altitude whether the bloaters' "roes"
by any other name would smell as sweet.
You must understand, sir, that when I assisted myself to a-light
on terrafi'ma I was in front of a tobacconist's shop, and had acted in
obedience to the printed instructions over a case of matches, Please
take one !" As I struck the match it struck me-you see, I had met
my match for once, sir-that the tobacconist was the very man to give
me the "bird's eye" view of the condition of Yarmouth, and the
"returns" as to its visitors, &c., I required.
So dissembling at first so far as to buy a penny "Pickwick," and
wondering the while how the "Dickens" it could be sold for the
money, I led up to the purport of my visit by asking what kind of a
season Yarmouth was enjoying.
Pointing to the penny smoke" I was sedulously sucking in an
unlighted condition, the tobacconist said, Well, I'll tell you. Since
last Bank Holiday I've sold fifteen boxes of that identical weed!
Now, there's a fact that speaks volumes !"
THAT DAME WITH THE BAG.
I NOTICED her first at the station,
This lady I mean;
The dreadfullest dame in creation
(As far as I've seen);
No weird unpresentable creature,
Nor bogie nor hag-
No-this was her ghastliest feature,
She carried a bag.
On fields where the cattle were lowing,
Away by the sea,
Some beautiful mushrooms were growing
On purpose for me :
I said on the spot "I bespeak them.
As yet they are small;
But when they are large I will seek them
And gather them all."
At even, when Phoebus was breaking
The sceptre he wields,
I noticed that lady betaking
Herself to the fields;
That bag, neathh her elbow reclining,
I saw through her wicked designing-
My buttons were doomed!
I've marked, where the wavelets are flinging
White feathers of brine,
Some lovely anemones clinging-
And there that old lady is sneaking-
F Her bag in her hands,
Proclaiming the prey she is seeking-
Away to the sands!
Whenever, where trees whisper mildly,
Or down by the wave,
I come upon aught that I wildly
And wistfully crave,
A shade of resentment comes o'er me-
By wold and by crag
That lady is always before me,
And also the bag.
An Oath-er Law Term.
Ix Courts of Law swearing has long been known as
" Taking a Davy." In future persons wishing to affirm,
instead of taking an oath, will be allowed to take their
"Mr. Tobacconist," I replied, "you are right. It does speak
Then, sir, I wandered down to the beach, and found that Yarmouth
visitors, if not beech-nuts, are at any rate "nuts" upon the beach,
as the saying is.
With a glance at the Nelson columnand asniff attheparallel "Rows,"
I bounded into my serial boat, and finding myself floating over the
drawbridge towa ds Gorlestone, managed to hammer "a tack" into
my balloon, which then went S. by E. Overcome by drowsiness, I
slept, and awakened to find the day closing in, and the smoke of
tickling my nostrils. By a curious coincidence, sir, my grappling
irons caught in the area railings of the dwelling of no less a person-
age than the Chairman of the Local Board; and it was upon the
toes of that functionary I all but jumped in my athletic haste to
disembark. To introduce myself was the work of one moment, to
state the nature of my errand that of a second-the second" in
this ease, you will notice, sir, being precisely the same as the "first."
"I need not ask if Eastbonrne is full I went on, "I could see
it was when I was in the air."
Indeed it is," said the chairman : two excursionists vainly sought
a bed last night, and were found at 11.45 p m. picking the verbenas
in the public promenade, with a view, it is presumed, of making room
for themselves in the flower bed."
Dear me I exclaimed, "then do you think T shan't get a bed ?"
"There shall be no difficulty about your' Local Board' at all
events," returned the waggish chairman, and as to your bed, I think
I can promise you a slate one at the worst on the billiard table at the
"That's a 'hazardous' sort of accommodation," I replied, smilingly;
'bhat no matter, I will risk it. Meanwhile show me the lions,
"Wei, sir, that chairman, had he been a Bath one, could not have
alren me about more thoroughly, showing me the new sea wall, which
is to extend to the Redoubt-a most redoubtable undertaking it is true
-the tram-car like structures, erected for the convenience of visitors as
shelters from wi,.d and rain on the top of one of the three promenades-
Eastbourne, by-the-bye, is just the place for the Premier to con-
valesce at, for he could take:bis three courses in a Bath chair every
day, if he liked ; and thon. after a walk on the fine Pier, taking me
to Devonshire Park, the Elysian fields of lawn-tennis players, where
an orchestral concert was going on in thev Pavilion, conducted by a
chef who lookedd like a cross between a Hindoo Fakir and the late
Thinking after such excitement I should not sleep on the billiard
table, I bade farewell to my chairman, and mounting high in my
balloon, drunk in such a dose of ether neat that in a few moments I
was off like a top, spinning through the heavens. In fact, I actually
dreamt I was a humming-top. and woke at last to find that the omy
top near me belonged to the Great Orme's Head, whilst the humming
was that of the crowd of bathers who were enjoying their morning
dip off the beach at
I left my balloon in charge of a shepherd on the Great Orme, and
descending its romantic declivity into the town, I inquired for the
Having spoken to him.of the place as Llandudno, he hastened to
correct me. "It's Llandidno, sir I said he.
Oh," I retorted, "then U are same as 'I,' eh? In that case
lend me your bell."
But the crier did not readily follow me; and I did not therefore
trouble him with any further facetim. Had he been a wag, though,
like the Mavor of Scarborough, I should have gone on in this way:
Well, then, if u's' the same as 'i' in Llandudno, your butter'
must be bitter,' and every bug' must be 'big; and, as to pork, it
ouabt to be cheap, for every Llandudno pug' must be a 'pig,'
whilst your wits must be of a piercing order since every pun's' a
'pin,' and so on, ad infinitum."
As your representative, sir, of course, "I" stood for "u" in
Ilandudno, which was so far appropriate, and knowing your tastes,
I at once made inquiries, and found out that there is a Literary and
Scientific Institute, and that Buckle's "History of Civilization" is in
the Library Catalogue.
Llandudno is filling fast, the bellman told me, and the lodgings,
which 1 took in your name, sir (for mere Fun, of course), in front of
the sea, will cost you 6 6s per week, if you care to go up and live
in them. By the way, all seaside lodging-letters charge guineas,
as though old Albion's shores were the Guinea Coast I
I was dreaming again in my balloon, that I was rushing along the
Milky Way, whan the report of a cannon awoke me, and I found my-
self not ,ff the Milky Way precisely, but, at all events, just over
The cannon I had heard had started two yachts on a match, and I
'haseed to deao ad near, the commodore of the R. T. S., who was
standing near the Battery at Egypt Point. On trying to interview
him, however, as to the state of Cowes, he very sharply shut me up;
in fact, sir, I may say, the comm-" door was slammed in my face.
But I had my revenge, for I exclaimed, Ha ha There is scorn'
in Egypt' still, I find,"* loudly enough for him to hear, and then
stalked off moodily to the town.
Cowes Castle-and it follows, I suppose, that if Cowes "Castle,"
Cowes must also play chess- Cowes Castle, I say, is the head-quarters
of the R. Y. S., which numbers many royal and noble members, who
fill Cowes during the Regatta week. To give you, even a liet of their
names, sir, would be like a catalogue of a sail," and I have no room
In fact, I have not space left to tell you of the result of my visit
to BRIGHTON, RAMSGATE, BOURNEMOUTH, TENBY, or TeoQsua It
must suffice to say I found all in the most flourishing condition, full
of visitors, and doing their best to make them happy by lightening
their cares and their pockets.
Frank :-" You know little Miss Spicer likes me best."
Charles:-" Oh, no, she likes me best."
Frank:-" If you and I each give her a box of sweets she'll say
'Thank you' most times to me."
(Charles gives his box at once, but sly Frank gives one sweet at a time,
and gets lots of thanks.)
THE LONG VACATION.
W ITrrHER shall we wander,
Whither shall we roam P
To the mountains yonder
Or the cliffs at home ?
Alpine heights invite us,
English vales allure,
Cannot some one-write us
Out a sketch of tour ?
Willingly, my, gallants,
If you'll but rehearse
What's your bankers' balance,
What your length of purse;
Failing which we quote, sirs,
What will answer both,
'Tis-" to cut your coat, sirs,
According to your cloth."
Pills for Pat.
THE Compensation for Disturbance Bill having been rejected by the
House of Lords, and the Government having despatched a small body of
troops to Ireland, certain Home Rulers are threatening that these two
events will only serve to increase agitation in the disaffecteddistricts.
We think that Mr. Parnell had better go over at once to Mayo,and tell
that to the:Marines."
A SANDWICH ELECTION PETITION (Overheard at a restaurant) -
"Thanks, miss, and please choose me one with lots of mustard."
Those who know West Cowes, sir, will rtm, mber the angle called 'Xgypt."
That is the "point" of my "pointed" allusion.-Y.E.-S.R.
ArG. 26,9 1880.) FU N 81
82 F U N [Auo. 25, 1880.
oist:-"I AY, o, wA' THE NAME O TAT HILL YONDER -"DUNNO.
TA-IN IT. -, R D,
Bournemouth to a state of genuine en*' '- -
for scenic effects, of which the fullest use was made. It included Pictures on evenpage._
i;gh'ist" I SAY, oi e s.O H The ndEr hOif THA TH E YPOT ORIR AL WO RL" DDu,"o.
the Sheriffs themselves preserved an adm le dignity, while subtly AN IDvO'T AKnO WEEKLY NEWSPAPER.
getting the majesty of the Law. In the banqueting scene -s, the PI 3D. (POBT-E., .
ine Lodib Mppiyo mo nodo eha wvited Bu deles ithe his A COULOUN ED MAP OF SUFFOLK.
Dheram ati lempan, f taer amo suaccbeing reTar ed apro vn c heos- e To, V 1 n y and i aub
elocution- especially during the earlier portions of the play-was Statm.tcal Information will be given away with the Number for
justly admired; and all the minor parts were capitally filled, his AUAtIL T 28TH, 1880.
L a a ts, qe t a n ip os ing cere m oni s e A F inintertsSp sletthorhoilgEeR R ID A is g i.en w ith
costumes were absolutely gorgeous; and London may well feel proud THE PICTORIAL WOR LD
that the glories of her municipal institutions have thus been practically Every week, without extra charge.
paraded before the country at large. 9 9, erow O -LlANE a LE nT gsT nEETg
ADWI C" < adb3" I.;
ustly admied ndalth IANGLE TICKoT. the cup, it proves hi __________
S ANY PURE!!! A SON B ETTER lTHAN NONE.
Prted by D CO., ho W t. AndT l Doctor Commons nd PublHAThe LIVED HERE ALL YOUR LIFE AND DON'T at 1 THE NAME OF IT251880.
The Lord iayor of London has visited Brussels with his Highly Every W Hithout etchg
thei paerfa anes hadg oed tee natives of Scborough and "FtU N 0 N T H E lS AN D 8- ,y
O f ATT AN S P FCHADWICKRAPE FO Starch.
0A TTONS, OTH ,. PURE 1! 1 SOLURI.E!!! REFRESiHNN!!!
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenx Wo sk St. Andreews HiI4 Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the ProprIeto) at 153, Fleet St eet, E.C,.-London, August 25, 1I80.
SEPT. 1, 1880.] F U N 83
Boy:-"PAPA, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ALL THAT MONEY?" Father.:-"IT IS TO TAKE US ON OUR JOURNEY."
Boy :-" OH, THEN, I SUPPOSE WE WILL GO VERY QUICKLY, FOR I HAVE OFTEN HEARD YOU SAY THAT MONEY GOES 8O FAST."
A PARLIAMENTARY LAY.
ST. STEPHEN'S lost its lively air
And wore a sad expression;
The Members congregated there
Grew sick of their profession ;
They ceased from laughter and applause,
They loathed the making of the Laws,
They cursed their fate,-and all because
I They couldn't end the Session.
The lamp upon the tower-top
(That once looked so unsightly)
Appeared as if wouldd never stop
Like many more, it wished, no doubt,
Some friendly hand would put it out;
But none such chanced to be about,
And still 'twas burning brightly.
Their Lordships in the Upper House
A patient watch were keeping-
Some few, as quiet as a mouse,
Upon the benches sleeping-
To wait the Bills that were so slow
In coming from the House below,
Where the pale Speaker's face did show
Exhaustion o'er him creeping.
The Opposition chiefs did frown,
Betraying by their manner
Disgust at being kept in town
To bear the Tory banner;
Home Rulers worse and worse did tiff,
And Independents cough and sniff,
Whilst yearning sportsmen looked as if
They had been "doing Tanner."
The wan officials on the floor
Were visibly dejected;
The poor policemen at the door
Seemed equally affected;
In feeble tones the porters spoke,
The very staircase tried to croak,
And nobody enjoyed the joke,
As might have been expected.
But Ministers had sternly said
The course they should endeavour;
"You go when all our Bills are read
And passed ; but till then, never "
At which announce( ment brave Big Ben
Cheered loudly fro mn his lofty den;-
He loves the company of men
Who will go on for ever !
SEEING how often passenger-trains nowadays manage to run off the
metals, with consequent damage to person and property, one is cer-
tainly not justified in assuming that the lines of our railway companies
have been cast in pleasant places.
A Musical Note.
THERE is, as we all know, a very great variety of musical instruments,
and performers thereon may be met with in every condition of life.
This rule, however, has of course its exception: none but punsters are
ever able to play upon words.
No wonder the gallant Sir Garnet is called our one general, for has
he not won where others lost, and is he not the one officer in the army
who entirely approves of the short service system ?
vOL. xvxu.-NO. 799.
84 F U N [SEPT. 1, 1880.
THE ECONOMIC MANUFACTURE OF VERSE.
THE manufacture of verses has now become as regular a trade as
any other business. Everybody sets up in this line, and produces what
they call poetry Horace describes Pindar's verse as "unnavigable
song," and the article generally given to the public is in much the
same category-for no one can get over or through it! But as people
will write verses, and as rhymes are a necessary evil inherent to the
act, an economy in these final ends of poetry is very desirable. With
these writers poetical economy should take the place of political
economy, and thus the practice of rhyme writing be made an economic
art. The great difficulty is universally admitted to be that of rhyme.
Rhyme the rudder is of verses,
With which like ships they steer their courses ;
And those who write in rhyme will make
The one verse for the other's sake."
So that this difficulty of rhymi'g is not only troublesome, but leads
to verbiage; it also occasions a vast expenditure of mental effort in
findifig rhymes. It is true that a Dictionary of Rhyme has been
published, but this, if possible, renders the finding of the right word
more puzzling. The system now recommended is one which avoids all
trouble about rhymes. It may be objected to as too near akin to the
old wi Ht;ri game of Crambo," which is mentioned in Congreve's
"Love for Love." Valentine says, "I'll have you learn to make
couplets . get the maids to crambe in the evening;' and learn the
knack of rhyming." The system now suggested is one which anyone
can adopt in the solitude of his study-without the maids." It is
to take the rhymes of some great poet, and fill them up with your own
ideas. This method saves all the labour of finding rhymes, and thus
the artist can manufacture his wares with all the greater ease and
freedom. He will also, if diffident, feel a reassuring satisfaction that
he is following in the steps of some great and established poet, and
that his rhymes, at any rate, are all correct."
The following specimens will illustrate this system.
The following sonnet is written to the rhymes of Milton's "Sonnet
to a Nightingale," but the title is altered.
TO A FIDDLESTICK.
Alas and thou wert once a blossomed spray
Upon a tree, whose leaves were never still.
But ever danced to the sweet tunes that fill
The dome of Nature-or in wild dismay
Shivered in storms. Thus thou for many a day
Lived happy; but alas! the woodman's bill
Spared not the tree and thou, subdued by will
Of man, must give life to a roundelay.
Changed now thy use, to aid in soothing hate
In hearts of men; or drawing angels nigh
To mortals with sweet music. Thou who late
Danced in the wild wood, no one heeded why.
No more the wild bird sings thee of her mate !
Grieved for thy change from Nature's airs am I.
The next is to the rhymes of another of Milto.n's sonnets, that one
" written when the Assault was intended to the City."
Imprison'd! yet methought I felt thine arms
Around me as of yore so dreams will seize
As facts the fancies most our hearts would please.
Thus memory's visions alnigh cure the harms
Of lone captivity by thy sweet charms.
Visions! alas, to think that such as these
Were fair realities beyond the seas!
0 the remembrance it my heart-blood warms.
Ah why am I not with thee in thy bower ?
Will fortune always kill, and never spare
Alas! how drear the life in this dark tower!
0 for a breath of freedom and fresh air!
Yet love! there is one life-supporting power,-
Hope shines and smiles e'en in this dungeon bare !
As the rhymes are all Milton's, and as rhymes are the only things
that constitute verse, these sonnets may be said to be stamped with
the impress of Milton's gigantic genius.
A great economy of rhymes will be established by the use of the
same series for many sets of verses. The rhymes may be equally
useful for serious or comic pieces. Thus the rhymes of "Gray's
Elegy may be used in a sea ballad, thus :-
'Twas nearing the close of the day,
The land was just under our lee,
We hardly had got steerage-way-
Whistle up," says the captain to me, &-c.
Or Beattie's "Hermit" may be taken, and his extremities used
'Tis a drop of the mountain dew, pure from the still,
Which never, 0 never, a gauger will prove !
Does he seek in the bog-we are safe on the bill-
On the hill-we are sure to be snug in the grove! &c.
It is evident that by this improved system of manufacturing verse,
the poet having the vision and the faculty divine," yet wanting
the accomplishment of verse," will get his rhymes ready made, and
put his own thoughts and fancies to them. This is much better than
the too common practice of taking the poet's thoughts and ideas and
sticking new rhyme's odi to them.
One more specimen,' on this system, to conclude; the rhymes aie
taken from Moore's Nets and Cages":-
LOVE AND HUMBUG.
OH, manyis'the hidden wile
With which young'Love his trade must ply !
Now peeping from a sunny smile-
Now hiding in a thoughtful sigh.
Such ambush'd shots, tho' wisdom blames,
Yet, in a world like this of ours,
Could Cupid never 'humbug dames,
This life were stripp'd of half its flowers.
So let us bless each hidden wile
With which young Love his trade must ply,
Now peeping from a sunny smile,
Now hiding in a thoughtful sigh.
In looking back on life's young loves
And all the hopes they used to frame,
Like flitting gleams in sunny groves
Appear the prizes in love's game.
With Humbug Sentiment will roam,
Flirtation oft for love mistaking,
While Usefulness remains at home,
Preferring sense and-pudding-making.
But still there's many a hidden wile
With which young Love his trade must ply,
Now peeping from a sunny smile,
Now hiding in a thoughtful sigh.
0 Love, too difficult thy task
To rivet chains of Hymen on,
Unless assistance thou couldst ask
Of Humbug, ere thine hour be gone.
Such chains by joint endeavour wove
Get some unwary hearts into them,
That were they caught alone by Love,
Had surely managed to break through them.
But thanks to many a hidden wile
Which still Love's strongest links supply,
He casts them round us with a smile,
And then secures them with a sigh.
But Love alone has often wrought
Fetters which Humbug ne'er could sever,
And many a happy joy has caught
And bound them with his chains for ever.
Love's humbug is but for coquettes,
Who charm the world in all its ages,
And ever spread their airy nets
To catch "love birds to fill their cages.
Let Love and Humbug these beguile-
Let them their trade together ply-
We'll banish Humbug with a smile,
But Love we'll welcome with a sigh.
Hint to Clumsy Young Men.
IF at a dinner-party you happen to upset a glass of claret over your
fair neighbour's white satin dress, smile pleasantly and say, Ah it
is always a sign of wet when the glass falls." You will be forgiven,
and in all probability invited by her papa to dine with him on Sunday.
"Look at That Now."
BEronE rents can be paid, work must be done. We have always
maintained the Irish to be an industrious people; so they are-for
instance, the labour expended in collecting rents in Ould Erin is greater
than in all the other countries in Europe put together.
AN excellent article to prevent a man's hair falling off-Honey water
well rubbed in by his wife.
A LADY can't always be buried in books,
Long wrestling with Czerny's a wearisome duel;
But it scarce can be true that crochet's off the hooks,
And, dear, you have ceased to take kindly to crewel.
I thought that your sex was Conservative,-fast
Allies of the true-blue old obstinate Briton,-
A sex that's accustomed to stick to its last-
The very last fashion you happen to hit on.
And, here, you're fatiguing the most modern eyes
That ever seemed made to con Broughton and
In labour a man's mind most often allies
To pictures of spectacles, wrinkles, and frowning.
O'er patchwork! o'er rags many-shaped, many-hued,
Plain sewing, for what pretty purpose I know not;
How can you descend to a labour so rude,
0 hands that, like Solomon's lilies, should sew not ?
But doubtless those delicate digits intend,
With touches as light and discreet as a feather,
To indicate some quite too nice moral end
In piecing these various pieces together.
They'd show-such pink points should successfully urge
Any point, if the pointing of morals delights them-
That fustian, and velvet, and satin, and serge,
Like man, are all one stuff, when your charm unites
The one touch of nature your one touch of steel
Makes equal the Bashaw, the Bard, and the Beadle,
And any one look of you all of us feel,
Though broadclothed or bloused, like these patches,
And, see, in the bag at your side a quick eye
Some meanings and morals more obvious discovers,
I fancy the scraps you'll have joined by-and-bye
Describe all your life, dear, as well as your lovers.
That old blue merino red elbows pushed through;
Your first silk, sea-green,-wasn't that your first
waltz, too ?
The cotton that charmed him to whom you'll be true,
The cashmere that maddened all them you are false to.
But I'm him, and patchwork though life be, the law
Leaves me well contented, and you more and more
Our patches are strong stuff, and I never saw
Such couleur de rose in a patchwork before, dear !
HAPPY THOUGHTS AT A FASHIONABLE GERMAN SPA.
(Captain Stif meeting Snip, his tailor.)
Stijf:-" IF HE CAN COME HERE, I CERTAINLY SHALL NOT PAY HIM HIS
Snip :-" 'ANG IT, 'BRE'S STIFF IF HE CAN COME TO A SWELL PLACE
LIKE THIS, I WON', I.AKE HIS EXCUSE, BUT MAKE HIM PAY UP."
HER hair was golden. Not in the sense of the Lowther Arcadian
flaxen fluff that struggles for supremacy in the infantile bosom with
movable eyes and .a squeak on pulmonary pressure, but of the gold
that glistens in the breeze-swept autumn corn, the gold that makes the
glory of the west at eve, the gold that, bursting from the bondage of
Helen's tiara, set Troy on fire, and thereby declared itself a warm
colour. So they called her Goldenhair.
She was the only child of parents whose poverty was much more
decided than their integrity. Her aged father varied the occupation
of getting drunk with the recreation of shying his boots at his wife
and my heroine. In their domestic circle the brokers appeared to have
fixed a .permanent habitation, so that, with the exception of the paternal
boots, their affairs could scarcely be described as being in a flourishing
This peaceful calm of Goldenhair's girlhood might have continued
till now but for the appearance of two suitors, one of whom did, while
the other didn't, suit her. The suitor she inclined to follow rejoiced
in the appellation of Orlando Hawkins and the possession of a poetic
talent which didn't pay; the other gloried in the name of Brutus
Bonamy and an emporium in the rag and kitchen stuff line which did.
Goldenhair's father who had no regard for the spirit of poetry, but much
for spirits of another genus, saw unlimited whisky in the prospective
ragshop ; and the scale turned in love, as invariably in business, in
favour of Bonamy.
":It's 'er 'air as took my hye," said Bonamy to Goldenhair's father ;
and when that worthy remarked that style and elegance were
hereditary in his family, the ragman replied that he referred not to
" 'er elegant hair hor expression, so much as to the 'air of 'er 'ed."
This conversation was overheard by Goldenhair, who reported it to
her Orlando. They laid their heads together (they were always doing
that), and then they laid a plan. The next evening, strolling into
Goldenhair's back garden, Bonamy found her apparently asleep. At
her feet was an open letter. Jealousy suggested a billet doux; he
opened it and read-
To two false golden curls .. .. .. 0 10 0
To one do. do. back hair .. .. 1 0 0
To one do. do. front .. .. .. 0 15 0
2 5 0
He felt like having a fit. The one charm of this girl was her luxuriant
hair, and that was false He determined to flee from her for ever.
Just then she woke and smiled. He didn't. He taxed her with the
account, she taxed him with perfidy; they went on taxing each other
like two Chancellors of the Exchequer. She threatened a breach of
promise, he exposure, and finally he left her indulging in hysterics.
En route to the ragshop he met his rival. Horlander 'Awkings," he
exclaimed, Goldenhair's yours; take her and be 'appy. She loves
you." "I know she does," answered Orlando, "and I would take
her, for she'd fly with me to the Antipodes; but, Bonamy, people can't
fly without wings.-I mean money."
Look 'ere," said Bonamy. "If you'll skedaddle with that young
woman to aunty what-d'ye-call-her's to-night, I'll give you fifty
pounds towards exe's."
It was done. That night Orlando eloped with Goldenhair and
Bonamy's fifty pounds. The rag merchant was so delighted with his
fancied escape that he promised never to refer to Goldenhair's curls
(which he still believes to be false), and he has appointed Orlando to
write his lyrical advertisements.
THE PARADISE OF ExCURSIONIsrs.-Tours.
SEPT. 1, 1880.]
86 FIUN. [SEPT. 1, 1880.
A HAVEN OF REST.
There was one acquaintance in particular whom Jones wanted to avoid at the seaside. He hid behind all sorts of places to escape his
eye; but he couldn't do it.
o o--o e---e r----w o e,: _a--__ _._ i
And one hot, hot day-as Jones grew limper and yet drier-he saw, a little way out at sea, a-was it a vision of happiness ?
I- ONE = 7 -
Upon his word he can't tell to this day.
FUN.--SEPT. 1 1880.
THE ROWDIES OF THE RIVER (ST. STEPHEN'S)
Who disturb the water, and try to run down everything.
SEPT. 1, 1880.]
d i'''- 'jr" 'gs *i .. t
'"THE SWEETS OF RIOT."
THE Catholics and Protestants really are enjoying themselves aftbti
their own peculiar fashion in the verdant isle. During a furious fight"
the other day the owner of a fearful black eye was heard to exclaim'
in a shrill voice to his pal: "Bedad now, Pat, this is rale jam."
" Rale jam! replied Patrick (throwing a half-brick with great force'
and accuracy at the enemy); "it'll be Orange marmalade directly."
To THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
The Lizard, Cornwall.
Sci,-Tn my last I left myself standing on the platform at Penryn
-I hasten to relieve myself from that degrading position. As a
matter of fact I didn't remain in it long; it was easy enough to dodge
the porters; I simply walked out into the darkness while they were
engaged with a party and a pile of luggage. Outside I became aware
of a solitary vehicle (with driver). The driver said he wis engaged.
I said I was glad to hear it, and hoped he might soon be married. It
was a poor, poor joke, and an aged; but I was hungry and tired, and
all over aches from "nubbly ones," and I scarce knew what I said.
The man resented it, though-he gave me a kick. It may not be
known to you, sir, that Penryn is about a quarter of a mile from the
station, but so it is. The station is at the top of a hill-the town is
at the bottom. The hill is steep. I rolled it in five minutes or so-
that kick was the "motive power." When I picked myself up I
found myself in front of a comfortable inn-the So-and-So Arms.
(Advt.) You never heard a group round a bar roar with laughter like
that group when they saw me. I asked what the deuce they meant,
and they laughed more than ever. But Cornish men are polite. When
they saw I was really angry, they apologised and somebody stood a
drink. Then the landlord brought a looking-glass; a glance therein
explained their mirth-I was indeed a curious sight. The "nubbly
ones" had blackened me in patches all over, the roll downhill had
"dusted" me in a similar manner, and the two together had drawn
Extract from Diary.-Next morning (Aug. 24th).-Landlord's a
regular genial fellow-all genial fellows here-had a regular night of
it in the bar last night. Wonder what time I came to bed ? Better
get up, I s'pose. Hullo what's this ? Bill for bed-room, supper,
drinks, breakfast this morning-receipted! Well, now that is nice of
the landlord. Mustn't let such a delicate attention as that pass, must
thank him. Very lucky, too, as it would have exactly "stumped" me.
Go to breakfast with a cheery whistle. Eat with appetite. Inquire
of landlord about coach to Lizard (can "do it up fat" now) and seize
opportunity to thank him for delicate attention. .. What a fool
1 was It seems I paid it last night when I was in a condition I never
remember getting into before-(I suppose this country ale is extra
strong)-gave him all my money and said I couldn't go further than
that" for anything. I consider a mean advantage was taken of my
helplessness. I slink out into the sunlight, a broken-spirited prophet.
I ask the way to the Lizard (I must walk it). It is twenty-one miles!
Miss Mite is surprised at my appearance. She says I am not young
enough. I explain that hard work under an unrelenting Editor and
London life generally have given me an appearance of age which I do
not merit-tell her that I am twenty-five. Simple old lady believes
it. Perhaps, also," she says, "you are fatigued with your journey ?"
Fatigued! Twenty-one miles on foot and not a drink all the way !
. Have read to the invalid. Says he don't think he shall
like me, my voice is too husky and I smell of stale tobacco! I go
for a stroll. Curious people, so civil and polite; lads
touch their hats, older people say, "Good afternoon, sir." This
respect is seldom met with by the old man; it has been left to these
simple-minded denizens of a Cornish village to discover his real Worth.
Musing thus; I turn a corner suddenly-A PUB." . The
gardaie''is sitting'up for me. He shows me my room, but stumbles
about-a good 'deal in doing so. I am afraid he is not sober.
25th.-Miss Mite hag dismissed me with a month's salary. I tried to
insist on my rights, andcbounced a bit. But the gardener came in-
274t--I've taken: up my abode at the Hotel. I've told them to
serd-'the account to you, sir.* Meantime I examine the neighbour-
hood. First thing I notice, everybody has something to do Besides
farining and fishing, they sell things made of a native stone called
" serpentine." Feel a natural attraction (as my Editor would say) to
anything so named, as congenial to my character, ideas, practices, and
(the Editor would not hesitate to add) walk-after a certain early hour
in the afternoon.
30th.- Hotel-keepetr had Editor's scurvy letter of repudiation;
insists on my paying bill. Pay it with wages-last penny gone again.
What shall I do now F?
There, sir, that's an extract which will tell you all that has hap-
pened to me on my evetitful visit to this spot. I think it decidedly
mean of you not to allow my hotel bill to pass-the Proprietors would
never have found it out, and it isn't pally "t of you. But I'll look
over that if you'll only help me to gbt out of this. I can't quarrel
with anybody here, sir, everybody is so kindly and obliging; I can't
cheat, there's no pleasure in it; everybody gives me unlimited credit
(except the hotel-keeper, of course) ; I can't trespass-nobody minds
your crossing a field, unless it's grain, and that's tiring stuff to cross,
and there's always a good path round it on the wall-(that's why it's
called Corn-wall, I suppose). Nobody gets "elevated," everybody is
kind and truthful and honest, and I'm so lonely !-Yours,
HANGING ON HAND.
A MoTrHE's LAMENT.
As, yes, my dear uncle, she's still on my hands,
Not a soul yet in marriage has sought her;
Ah, who but a mother the plague understands
Of an ugly and portionless daughter ?
Eliza's not handsome, the fact I admit-
For she's not one presentable feature ;
Moreover, I fear she's not talent nor wit,
Though she's such a high-principled creature.
And as for hei fortune, I'm free to confess
That Dame-Fortune of gift's has been chary;
She's nothing at all but a white muslin dress
And the gattiets she got from Aunt Mary.
When first she came out (but that's four years ago),
I believed she'd the brightest of chances,
I took her about to each theatre and show,
To all picnics and parties and dances.
Each summer I took her to bathe in the sea,
And to loiter and lounge on the shingle.
AAh, hard is my lot! But 'tis no blame to me
The unfortunate girl is still single.
For four years I've worked! Since the day she came out
I've turned ev'ry stone that was turnable;
I've smiled on each booby and flattered each lout,
But still there's no husband discernible.
She 's been out four years, and has not caught her heir ;
He has most unaccountably tarried;
She 's been out so long that I really despair !
For I don't think she'll ever get married.
Hum Mixed for four years in the world's giddy throng !'
That life she can scarcely begin again:
My dear, don't you think as she 's been out so long,
'Tis precious near time she went in again ?
And we have sent it back.-ED. FUN.
+ We should hope not, indeed.-ED. FUN.
90 F U N [SarT. 1, 1880.
A FAMOUS VICTOREE.
IT was a summer evening-
Old Doolan's work was done;
And he before his cabin door
Was sitting in the sun,
And by him sported on the path
His grandchild Kate, surnamed McGrath.
She saw her little brother Mike
Roll something large and round,
That he beside the marshy bog,
In playing there, had found;
He came to ask what it could be
That was so round and so dirtee.
Old Doolan took it from the boy
Who stood expectant by;
And then the old man shook his head,
And then he piped his eye.
"It's some poor landlord's skull," said he,
"Shot dead through the great victoree."
"Now tell us what 'twas all about,"
Young Mike old Doolan bid,
And little Katherine looked up,"
Which things so seldom did.
"Now tell us all about the cause,
And was it Land' ?" "My boy, it wause.
"It was the Tories," Doolan cried,
"That put the Whigs to rout ;
Though what on earth they did it for
I cannot well make out.
But lots of people said," said he,
"That 'twas a famous victoree.
"They beat them by an awful lot;
But lo what happened then ?
The landlords all about the place
Were shot by Rory's men.
Such things they knew were bound to be,
But 'twas a famous victoree.
"My boy, t was an awful sight,
After the fight was won,
To see the landlords' corpses round
All rotting in the sun.
Such things, they knew, were bound tobe
After such famous victoree.
"And lots of people praised the Earl
Who such a blow did strike- "
"But what good came of it at last ?"
Quoth little Master Mike.
"The good! Why, this here skull," said
"But 'twas a famous victoree !"
n A Second's Thoughts.
IN sparring matches and the more
serious encounters of the prize ring it is
_- -- customary for the antagonists to shake
hands before engaging. This preliminary
ONLY A "TRY ON" FOR A KISS. might well be employed in the duello
with the more deadly pistol, accompanied
Angelina :-" WELL, HENRY, IF YOU ARE GOING TO SEND ME A BRACE OF GROUSE, DON'T by the appropriate formula, Te vous
KEEP THEM TILL THEY ARE BAD BEFORE YOU LET ME HAVE THEM, AS YOU DID THE LAST TIME aite (I aim at you).
YOU HAD A DAY'S SHOOTING."
Henry:-"' BAD! You DON'T MEAN TO SAY THEY WERE BAD?
Angelina :-" YES, THEY WERE AS BAD AS-WELL, AS BAD AS A KISS FROM A PERSON YOU THE COUNTY FOR TUFT-HUNTERS.-
DON'T LIKE." [Goets one from a person she does. Hunting-don-shire.
COOKERY NOTES. "AVAST HEAVING! "
SALoN collZZared must be boned-it makes a handsome dish, but is SIGH no more, ladies; ladies, sigh no more!
generally done at the risk of "s a month with hard." Advice, no doubt, most excellent when given;
In pickling tongues, rub in a little coarse sugar occasionally: a well But "stay them not" our modern flirts implore:
sugared tongue means success in life. Be they for joy or grief, all sighs are heave-n."
How to choose meat-get somebody else to do it for you; examining
the grain in this weather goes decidedly against the grain with most
The reason Jews do not eat bacon-well, being so full of gammon, WHICH is the most coquettish suburb of the metropolis ?- Highgate,
they are afraid of overdoing it by taking more. because of the arch way it has.
SEPT. 1, 1880.]
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
ON Monday, the sixteenth of August, Earl Granville, when put to the
Declined (for the public convenience) to say any more on the subject
Than that which last week he had stated of maritime joint-demon-
Earl Fife also mentioned, when questioned, that Government has no
Of dealing at once with the water supply of long-suffering London,
They being content for the time with a trust they have just constituted;
Which shows, for the present, we all of us must
Take water-as ever we have done-on trust.
On Tuesday arose some complaining of slowness on part of the
A noble lord mildly remarking they ought to consider their lordships,
And get on a bit with their measures, and not keep their lordships
Earl Granville replied that he trusted they'd finish next day in the
The Bill about Workmen's Employers; but as for the Hares and the
He didn't exactly expect it just yet to put in an appearance;
Which shows that, to Peers, it is most irritating
To feel that they're nothing but mere lords-in-waiting!
On Thursday the Bill on Employers arrived, as Earl Granville ex-
Then spoke Earl Strathnaim upon papers concerning the war in Zulu-
Which gave to his lordship of Chelmsford a chance of explaining his'
The which he achieved somewhat tamely, by laying the blame upoit
(On others who're quietly sleeping in distant and sad Isandlana).
But the spot chosen there for encampment you'd think was enough to
Which shows that his strategy isn't extensive:
He's weak when attacking, and weak when defensive.
On Friday the same noble lord who complained of the Commons on
(Of course from the galled Opposition, who wince at the length of the
Alluded again to the subject, receiving reply from Earl Granville,
Who blandly, politely advised him to speak to his friends in the
And get them, instead of retarding the passage of Bills-expedite it.
The Bill about Post-Office Orders they then read a third time and
Which shows that their lordships, like Englishmen true,
Will do any work when they have it to do.
On Monday the number of Members on duty was greatly diminished,
For many to worship St. Grouse had away on their holidays started ;
Many who long to can't go, though, or who would the Government
Though quieter lately they're growing, and pay more respect to their
For Government 's having revenge for obstruction by keeping them
They did little work of importance that ev'ning, the principal being
A pretty go at Supply" and a try to count-out by Lord Churchill.
On Tuesday Lord Hartington stated the pretty condition finances
Have reached in our Indian Empire the price of the war with the
The Tories, who said they'd a surplus, have left an enormous deficit,
Result of political fireworks and strange arithmetical training,
For what can you hope from a party that's always "a-cutting their
(But most of the blame we attribute to culpable local officials.)
They occupied most of the sitting debating the thing, and adjourned it.
On Wednesday the Bill for Employers achieved its third reading in
The Savings Banks Bill then appearing, it spent a short time in Com-
OA Thursday the Hares and Rabbits was brought to the fore for
It got a short way through Committee, but, oh! with a struggle tre-
Because of repeated divisions the struggling minority went for:
Their struggles are rather amusing, so childish, inconsequent, hopeless.
On Friday the thing was continued, and got on a little bit further ;
And lateriLord Hartington treated the House to a splendid oration
Concerning obstructionist tactics,'delightfully comic and cutting.
Of course it will make small impression; argument's lost on obstruc-
Pace the words of the Chaplin, who said that Lord Hartington's speeches
Often as long as his own were (he also declared them lethargic !)
Which shows that a Chaplin you'll now and then find
Comparing himself to a man with a mind.
IN THE GARDEN.
A SKETCH fOno NATURE.
Like sweet thoughts in a dream."-SHELLEY.
THEY sat on a bench in a fair old-fashioned garden. I need not
describe them; they were ordinary mortals, as my sketch will elucidate.
She, feeling the influences of the summer sunshine, and a pleasurable
proximity to her adored one, sat dreaming, and waiting for him to say
She had to wait a long time! At last she breathed a soft sigh with
just a spice of impatience.in it.
What's that?" said he.
"The only means I could employ," she said, cooingly, "for the
utterance of my feelings."
"H'm," said he, forcibly contracting his lips and looking mysterious.
"For ever fare thee weU."-BYnoN.
STILL sitting in the summer sunshine, lostinreverie;or as he expressed
it, "thinking of nothing." She was waiting for that something
which never came. He at times seemed struggling to suppress a
powerful emotion. Suddenly he gaped, stretched, and indulged in a
loud and prolonged yawn!
"What's that ?" she said, starting and paling visibly.
"The only means I could employ to express the feelings with which
I am struggling!" *
The bench is empty now; she will console herself with a more
responsive friend, and he with a series of nice little dinners and a
Continental tour. THE END.
THE daily papers have lately had a good deal to say about a
"Desperate Outrage on the Metropolitan Railway." We are happy
to be able to state that the railway was not injured nearly so much as
a sympathetic public may have been led to suppose, for it is quite
accustomed to a little shaking. It never lost its appetite at all, and is
now to be seen running about just as fast as ever.
A Bucolic Challenge.
A WILTSHIRE farmer; being told that Our Lady of Lourdes had
lately effected some veiy wonderful cures, said he was quite ready to
back his bacon against hers, or any other foreigner's !
A Domestic Query.
WHEN are the tea-things like victims of Queen's evidence ?-When
they are be-trayed.
92 F U N [SEPT. 1, 1880.
BETTER THAN NOTHING.
Near-sighted sportsman (who has made a succession of misses) :-" HAvE I HIT ANTHMaG this TIME, RODGERSM P"
.Disgusted Keeper:-" Ys's--Yro'VE A Hrr THE dog."
" THE GLORIOUS UNCERTAINTY OF THE LAW."
THi law is certainly always eccentric in its vagaries in this land
of the brave and the free," but lately the sentences have been a little
too wild. We give a few strange ones:-
A man convicted of begging-twelve months' hard labour and a
"A lad of seventeen convicted of stealing a letter (excellent previous
character)-five years' penal servitude."
A young man of twenty-one convicted of stealing a letter (no
character to speak of)-eighteen months' hard labour."
"A man of thirty-nine convicted of stealing a cheque, embezzling
money, and gentle forgery-twelve months' hard labour."
"A nurse convicted of cruelly killing a female patient with exces-
sive brutality-three months' imprisonment."
"A man and woman convicted of starving a child nearly to death-
six months' hard labour."
A woman convicted of starving a girl nearly to death-eighteen
months' hard labour."
These sentences, several of which are of course well known, strike us,
when strung together, as peculiar. Why a lad should have five years for
stealing a letter, while a nice pleasant manslaughterer is punished with
three months, is, to say the least, a mystery.
THE one above all others of whom it may be said, "If you give
him an inch he will take an L" :-Judge L-ynch.
Now READY. PRIcE ONE SHnLLn7I POST-iREE, Is. 2jd.,
FUN'S NEW HOLIDAY BOOK,
"FUN ON THE SANDS."
A .Book full of Poetry, Prose, and Pictures. Pictures on every page.
"It is just the book for the holiday season, when you want to be
amused and not to be compelled to think too much. It abounds in
humorous stories and comic verse, which have the rare qualification
of being short."-Sunday Times, Aug. 15, 1880.
"The follies of the day, and especially of the recreative season, are
well hit off, and the book as a whole is a good shilling's-worth."-
Brief, Aug. 13, 1880.
"The letter press is amusing, and the illustrations comic and fanci-
ful."-Reynolds, Aug. 16, 1880.
"It is as full of fun as an egg is full of meat,' crowded with jokes,
both old and new, and is a capital shilling's-worth to help to lighten
the tedium of a morning's dole far niente on the Beach.' -Brighton
Herald, Aug. 14, 1880.
"Here are jokes enough, verbal and pictorial, for a whole month's
holiday. The dullest of days they will enliven."--Vews of the World,
Aug. 16, 1880.
No one can read the pages without finding abundant, and laughter-
provoking, amusement in them."-Brighton Guardian, Aug. 18, 1880.
"FUN" OFFICE, 153, FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.O.
BRILLIANT!! CLEAN!! NO DUST! CAUTION-If C A
Co COLD MEDAL For "t8 pl oe
Bold by Groewe and Oilmen everywhere. Neher scratch nor sprt, the points b roundedby a new
E. JAMES & SORS,80LE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH. PURE'!! SOLUBLE !!! REFRESHQI!! '1 5m e r ,,,, .l.,t.,. "
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet Street, B.C.-London, September 1, 190.
SEPT. 8, 1880.]
THE IRISH QUESTION.
O'Finnigan :-" LOOK AT THAT NOW, BROWN! THE IRISHMAN WILL HAVE HIS RIGHTS, THIN, FOR HE'S GOT THE HEART, THE LUNGS,
AND THE BRICKBATS, BEDAD."
Brown:-" MARK MY WORDS, O'FINNIGAN, THESE RIOTS AND MURDERS WILL RUIN BUSINESS IN YOUR COUNTRY.'
0'Finigan:-" BE JABERS, AN' A GOOD JOB TOO! I HATE BUSINESS; AND SHOW ME THE ROIGHT-MOINDED, THRUE-HEARTED IRISHMAN
THE IRISH ATROCITIES.
THE following communication from the Sublime Porte has been
received at the Foreign Office :-
"It is with feelings of profound regret that I, on behalf of
H.I.M. the Sultan, beg to call the attention of Her Majesty's
Ministers to the state of affairs in Her Britannic Majesty's im-
portant dependency of Ireland. H.I.M. the Sultan cannot help
recognizing, from the frequent reports of his representatives in that
dependency, confirmed as they are by the reports in the newspapers pub-
lished in both England and Ireland, that the aspect of affairs in that
unfortunate district is charged with the utmost gravity both as regards
the peace of Europe and the well-being of the peoples of the various
nationalities and religious denominations that go to form Her
Britannic Majesty's subjects at large.
His Imperial Majesty the Sultan feels it his duty to call attention
to the constantly-recurring affrays between the Protestant and
Catholic communities in the North of Ireland, to the constantly-
recurring outrages both on the lives and the property of the unfor-
tunate class known as landlords all over the country, to the
constantly-recurring maiming of cattle, incendiary fires, robberies of
arms, burning of crops, and other acts which betoken serious laxity in
the administration of the laws and general misgovernment in this
His Majesty the Sultan would also call attention to the action of the
Land League. It is the opinion of His Majesty the Sultan and of his
advisers that such a state of things can no longer be tolerated, and His
Majesty and his advisers would firmly and seriously suggest that
immediate steps be taken towards ameliorating the condition of the
peoples hereinabove alluded to, and with a view to putting an end
to a condition of affairs which has already become a scandal to a
great nation, and, in fact, to Europe at large.
His Majesty the Sultan is actuated by no ungenerous motives in
bringing such matters under the notice of Her Britannic Majesty's
Ministers. Really, he believes that he has but to do so to secure an
immediate benefit to them; but inasmuch as Her Majesty's Ministers
were generously pleased to draw His Majesty's notice to the atrocities
in Bulgaria, His Majesty feels that he can make no more adequate
return for their kind offices than to repay it in kind.
His Majesty the Sultan has sounded the views of the various
European Cabinets, and has found them entirely unanimous on the
question. His Majesty has been requested, as best fitted under
certain circumstances, to convey this as a European protest against the
state of affairs in Ireland. It is, therefore, suggested that Her
Britannic Majesty's Ministers will take this memorandum de facto as
a collective note.'-Receive, &c., ABEDDIN."
A CUlIOUS case was tried recently at the District Tribunal of Petrinje.
A farmer sold his wife to a friend, for 40 florins and a fatted hog.
The friend subsequently married the lady. This was going the whole
hog with a vengeance, as the fair one had not been legally divorced.
The lady was not dear, we presume, at the price ; at least we mean she
could not have been particularly dear to .her husband. The trio will
have ample time to reflect on marriage rites and wrongs, because the
magistrates of Petrinje do not seem to have a keen sense of humour, and
have given husband, wife, and friend four months with hard." That
comes of living in a nasty despotic country where judges don't under-
stand jokes. How much better to live in a nice free country like this,
where you can slaughter a helpless invalid and only get three months
without "hard for doing it!
DURING the trial of the assault case on Wednesday, where the
plaintiff claimed damages for the wrecking of his model yacht by the
defendant's dog, in the round pond, in Kensington Gardens, it tran-
spired that the latter refused to give his address to any such scum "
as the aggrieved one. We think this was summing it rather too
VOL. fXxIi.-No. 800.
94 IFUT hN [SEPT. 8, 1880.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND HIS BEE-CAB.
You will remember, sir, that I described, for your edification, some
weeks since, the preparations I had made for driving my stock of
trained bees about London, stopping at the promising spots en route,
that the industrious insects might avail themselves of the chance of
adding to their, that is to say my, hoard of honey.
The adapted four-wheeler was brought round to my front door at
6 a.m. precisely on the morning of last Thursday three weeks, andmy
fourteen hives of bees, looking at first sight like so many hat-boxes
and travelling-bags, were all put in their places without any mishap.
This was my own idea, to make the hives appear like luggage. Putting
my deputy bee-master inside, with a store of sal-volatile, cotton-
wool, and hartshorn, a washerwoman's "blue-bag," and other
remedial articles, to be used in case of need, I myself mounted the
box; and with a final whistle signal to my intelligent insects to lie
close, drove off to Covent Garden Market.
Long before we had gained this great emporium, agitation amongst
the junior bees in the hat-boxes nearest my head told me that they
aelrady scented the harvest. By the time I turned down into Bow-
street from Long-acre this agitation had become general, and I doubt
if even their strict training would have much longer kept my busy
bees in their boxes when the full scent of the Flower Market's varied
store burst upon their olfactory organs.
But there was, fortunately, no further need to put the patient
insects to the test; and so, having drawn up as close to the big doors
of the Market as I could get, I drew out my whistle, and gave the
welcome signal to my apiarian hordes to come out and do all they knew.
Well, sir, in less time than it takes me to scribble this line, the
signal was answered, and in fourteen buzzing clusters, which soon
merged into one large and eager cloud, my bees rushed in at the
open doors, and spread themselves through the building; and I shall
not soon forget the general look of surprise with which the appear-
ance of the unexpected visitors I had brought was greeted.
For some moments no one was ingenious enough to associate my
cab, with its innocent-looking freight of hat-boxes and bags, with
the swarm of bees that had very quickly dispersed itself through
the building, settling down to the sweetest plants with quite a
business-like method ar 1 rapidity.
At length, however, a suburban greengrocer, who had driven up in
a spring cart just behind me, happened to notice a string of dilatory
bees, who must have been asleep when I whistled, issuing from thepseudo
hey-holeof a hat-box at the back of the roof of the cab, and immediately
exclaimed (without any intention to play upon words I have reason to
believe), Why, here they be pointing with his whip as he spoke
to my conveyance, out of the window of which my deputy bee-master
was leaning his head, and trying to look as much as pos ible like an
innocent "fare blocked on his way to Charing Cross.
Now, although the bees had up to this moment done no harm to
anyone, confining their attention strictly to business, or "buzziness,"
as one might say under the circumstances without reproof, I think,
that greengrocer's intimation had the effect of rousing considerable
indignation amongst the crowd, which "Yah, yah'd!" loudly,
addressing its expletives chiefly to me, though I sat still making no
sign, till a burly coster, approaching the cab, exclaimed-
"Wot d'yor mean by bringing yer bloomin' insects down yer, a-
stinging everybody like mad an' a spilin' our flowers like this ? "
"My dear sir," I replied, blandly-for blandness was clearly my
tack-"I simply brought the industrious little creatures out for an
airing, but I was not aware that they had stung anyone; am I not
rlght ? I asked, appealing to the crowd generally.
What the answer might have been I cannot say, but, unfortunately,
just as I spoke a burly florist at the further end of the Flower Market
put his two forefingers in his mouth and whistled shrilly twice to
summon his man to his side. Now, two short, sharp whistles hap-
pened to be the signal in my bee code which encourages the insects
to renewed exertions. So hearing the familiar sound. as they sup-
rosed, some of the less sagacious of my bees rushed off in the direction
from whence it came, and finding nothing there but the burly florist,
whose nose, as ill-luck would have it, was in a forward state of blos-
soming, they settled with one accord upon that elevated organ.
All this had been as quick as thought, and my question was scarcely
completed when the florist, rushing out towards the open air in his
terror, supplied only too palpable an answer to my demand as he
appeared at the doorway screaming at the top of his voice, slaying
about him impartially with his cart-whip.
A glance at his nose, or rather at that part of his face where his
nose presumably was, showed me a large and increasing cluster of
bees swaying in the air, and he danced with anguish, and continued
to assault perfectly innocent people about him. .
It was clearly no time for further argument with my coster, but
rater for prompt action, and so, drawing my whistle, I sounded the
retreat. The older and steadier insects at once began to retire into
their quasi hat-boxes, &c., but the younger "bloods," I regret to
say, for some time turned a deaf ear to the signal, and showed a
general inclination to mistake all the blossoming noses about the Market
for scarlet geraniums. In about five minutes, indeed, Bow-street was
more like a pandemonium than a respectable thoroughfare; and I
really think I should have been lynched there and then had not my
bees formed a kind of body-guard about me,, which the bravest
coster did not care to defy.
A diversion was also caused by the desire of the wantonly-whipped
passers-by to revenge themselves on their half-mad aggressor, and
thus I was enabled presently to start my horse, down the street, telling
my deputy to sound the retreat continually as I did so. I am glad
to say that these tactics had the effect of drawing off the bees, and
when I drew up presently at Chancery-lane, the cab was gained by
nearly all the stragglers.
But that was not the end of the, adventure, as you shall hear, sir,
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.-XIV.
ON Monday night, the. 23rd, the Lords
For want of work, enjoyed a little holiday,
But Tuesday found them at their posts. again,
When Lords Conservative pursued the plan,
The artful plan-which they have lately worked
With Bills the which they dare not to oppose
Lest they should lose all popular support-
The plan that lets the second reading pass,
And seemingly admit the measure's principle,
The while they, in Committee, do their best
To make its action utterly nugatory;
So dealt they with the Bill of Liability
Of all Employers in their workmen's accidents-
It passed the second reading unopposed.
On Thursday, in Committee, came a pair
Of dire amendments into it, and passed.
On Friday Hares and Rabbits thoughts engage,
And passed its first and unimportant stage.
On Monday came a scarcely breathed threat
Of hauling o'er the coals the Upper House;
And Mr. T. O'Connor breathed the threat.
Then came.some time-destroying chat upon
The question whether bullets should be used,
Or buckshot, for the Irish when obstreperous."
Then uprose Dillon, proving that he valued not
Nor knew the value or the power of words;
For saying that his speech contained no ill,
Complained of Mr. Forster's sharp remarks,
Which Mr. Forster, we were glad to see,
Refused in any way to modify.
The Tuesday's sitting showed these startling traits:
The Irishmen obstructed grim and long,
And Mr. Parnell spoke with modesty.
On Wednesday a heap of work was done;
The great Fourth Party" and the Irishmen
Were absent from the scene (or more or less),
And in their absence heaps of work was done;
They passing thro' Grain Cargoes Bill with cheers.
(Lord Beaconsfield appeared upon the scene
And greatly gratified the commoners.)
On Thursday Lord R. Churchill played his game,
Once more, of wasting time, with great success.
Then came discussion on the vote to pay
The armed constabulary of the sister isle.
The Irishmen had all the talk themselves,
Or nearly so-and, oh, but it was dull and drear !
Though Mr. Bright's remarks woke up the scene-
Benevolent, and wise, and weighty words-
Ay, dull and drear and mere obstruction all night long,
And on till noon next day-for Government
Gave way no inch and gained no inch-but compromise
Brought this disgraceful sitting to a close.
Is this how Irishmen expect to move
Their English fellow-subjects' sympathy ?
If so their error's mighty; for their cause,
In acts like these, shows, as themselves, contemptible.
In Friday's work the Hares and Rabbits took
A foremost place, and passed the House at last.
The Burials Bill then did its "level best"
To get into Committee, but it failed.
The ev'ning sitting passed in gentle peace,
The Irish opposition having kept
Their promise to avoid dispute, and so
This sitting ended calmly, so to speak,
The dying moments of a noisy week.
SEPT. 8, 1880.]
I u \' -- ypV
"ONE TOUCH OF NATURE," &c.
Street Preacher :-" I now ask, brethren, what can I do to move you ?
-what shall I do to move you in this world of wickedness ? "
'Arry :-" Send round the 'at, guv'nor,-that'll move 'em."
THE thing is meek, the thing is mild ;
And oftentimes a little child
May fondle it or play with it.
But when-as children often dare-
From tail to head you rub its hair,
It has an ugly way with it.
Whene'er our sitting-room it shares,
Amongst the tables and the chairs
It innocently looks about.
But oft, when mischief thither tends,
Fom chairs to tables it ascends
And worries all the books about.
Our lively kitten well may boast,
Among its many sins, a host
Of good and proper qualities.
It likes to scratch, it loves to bite;
But faults like these in such a mite
Are nothing but frivolities.
It's pretty little tricks we praise;
We dote upon its winning ways,
And love to make a friend of it.
Methinks the Bridge of Waterloo-
A basket, and a stone or two-
Ere long will be the end of it!
A "Public" Question.
BY a recent ruling of a metropolitan magistrate it appears that a
publican has a perfect right to mind his own business in the matter of
setting apart a certain portion of his premises for specific customers.
We agree with the magistrate, but, unfortunately, we fear the pub-
licans break through their rules themselves; otherwise we should
not see such howling cads in those compartments supposed to be set
apart for gentlemen only.
Before the Times.
AccoRDING to a contemporary, our troops carried all before them "
at the recent sortie from Candahar. We can scarcely believe this.
Surely in India, as in this country, it is customary for our soldiers to
carry their knapsacks behind them.
KISSING OR KICKING THEM
(THE ROARING IRISH FARCE o0 THE DAY.)
HoARY PEER, OF THE TRUEST BLUE PROPENSITIES. Yes, I must stay
in town even all the autumn. The State wouldn't be safe if I
didn't, with a shameless Administration like this in power.
WHIG SQUIRE, OF THE PUREST BUFr. Right you are there, my lord;
and dang it, I'll stay too, to keep you company. We shall be all
Irished in a fortnight if we don't.
HoARY PEER. I certainly see indications that they intend to annex
us to Tipperary in a short winter session. You can easily tell that
Parnell and Forster are hand-and-glove together.
WHIG. When it ought to be hand and boxing-glove, at the very
least: I should suggest knuckle-dusters! And not to have had
Dillon hung, the white-livered mif !
THE PATRIOTIC S00IETY, mysteriously. What can you expect of a
party that-we have it on the best authority, that of Mr. Warton-
intends very shortly to hand over all Church appointments to the
joint custody of the junior Members for Northampton and Galway ?
We have also information as to the recent initiation of Mr. Forster
into the Fenian Brotherhood-
LORD RANDOLPH CHURCHILL. While everybody knows that all
these talked-of accumulations of ammunition have been deliberately
set aside by the Government for the use of that same society.
MR. FORSTER, mopping his forehead frantically. Now, really, yeu
know, isn't this going a little too far, even against a poor Lib'ral
Irish Secretary ? And upon my word, I-
MR. DILLON. Your word! ugh!
MaR. O'DONNELL. You an Irish Secretary! bah !
GENERAL CHORUS OF HOME RULERS. Go on, old Buckshot.
MR. FORSTFR. Pray, gentlemen, do just listen: you can have
grape or canister, if you like.
WILD WHIa. Merciful Providence! listen to that. Going to pro-
vide them with grapes and canisters of latakia-out of the church rates,
MR. FORSTER. No, I assure you, I'm going to coerce them ruth-
lessly. That is, if they deserve.
HOME RULERS. Ach the bloodthirsty spalpeens.
WHIGS. You mean the peasantry only, of course ?
TORIEs. Oh, naturally.
Ma. FORSTER. N--no; not quite. I'm afraid I must prevent the
landlords from turning alt of their tenants out.
(A Babel of howls, in which the contradictory epithets of Com-
munist, tyrant, Fenian, assassin, robber, and land-leech are hastily
FORSTER, fanned by the entire ministry. And oh, to think it's the
beginning of September.
THE ALHAMBRA.-The management, determined to maintain the
reputation of this theatre as the home of the ballet, have introduced
into the third act of La Fille du Tambour Major a brilliant ballet
d'aetion, The Alpine Brigands, which in some degree fits into the
plot of the opera. The principal dancers are Mdlle. de Gillert, MdHe.
Pertoldi, and Mdlle. Rosa, all of whom are seen at their best. The
music is bright and sparkling, and will add to the reputation of M.
Jacobi as a composer of ballet music.
SADLESR' WELLS.-Miss Jenny Lee as o," supported by J. P.
Burnett and his clever company, is the attraction for a limited number
IMPERIAL.-The Gaiety company appears at this theatre in a series
of afternoon performances, commencing with Rip Van Winkle.
Bobby Toi Que J'Aime.
THE Annual Report of the Commissioners of Police for the year
1879 was issued on Saturday, and some of the statements natu-
rally present a rather blue look-out. Although 21,891 felonies
were committed, only 11,431 persons were arrested, which shows
that it is about level betting that a felon gets off, and proves that
though the police may be sharp, the thieves are sharper(s), added
to which it hardly justifies the announcement made, in the papers
every day, of "Police Intelligence." It is gratifying there has
been a falling off in the drunk and disorderly cases, though 33,892
persons were charged with these offences, but we fail to find the
numbers recorded of those who, instead of being drunk, were only
dying. In addition to the large number of arrests quoted, the police
ran in 25,669 sad dogs; 22,502 of whom were found guilty of being
without visible means of support, and committed-to the Dogs' Home.
From the fact that the number of voluntary resignations is the
smallest since 1870, it is argued that the force is increasing in popu-
larity. Possibly with cooks and housemaids it is, but we fear with
gentlemen of the Bill Sykes and Peace order it will never be
96 FUN. [SEPT. 8, 1880.
There was one old sandwich there. A- gazed at it long; then took
a bite. But he couldn't, couldn't, manage it.
Then E- went in. He gazed long, and took a bite the other
side. But no, NO!
But presently hunger began to overcome squeamishness. The n.utual miatruut, ~ugitd
with greed, began to spring up. "If I don't finish that sandwich, he will," mused
each to himself. "Beastly sandwich, that!" they said to each other, probingly..
"'/ -/ <^ -7*^:-==^-"tf^"" (^~^ -^d
But, as each pondered whether he should make a bolt in, and secure the morsel-
Out came the station cat with it-- It was TOO much I
FUXN.--sPT. 8, 1880.
KEEPING IT UP.
THE LAST DANCE OF THE SESSION.
SEPT. 8, 1880.]
COMMENCEMENT OF THE SHOOTING SEASON.
Shooting stars. Shooting crows (" scarecrows "). Shooting corns.
THE EXODUS OF THE STATUES.
"W EILINGTON, ahoy !" hailed Nelson from his Trafalgar-square
What's up P" inquired the Great by Land as he by sea, turning in
his saddle on Constitution-hill.
"lam," answered the great sailor, "but I shall soon be down.
I'm off for a whiff of the briny. Below, there! "
And down he came at a splitting rate, but soon shook himself
"How do you travel ?" the Great Soldier shouted after him.
Oh, I shall take a Nelson 'bus to begin with-if I can find one,"
"I'm pretty sure to be able to find a Waterloo," said Arthur to
himself. "I'll be off to the seaside, too. We all look as if we should
be the better for a dip-except that Cobden fellow out Camden-town
way. He's had a wash and abrush-up lately. Bill, old man !" the
Duke added, as Dr. Jenner rushed up from Kensington-gardens,
where are you off to P"
"Everybody's going out of town at last," said the Doctor, "so
I'll go and see if I can't get some patients. Patience enough, though,
I'm sure I've had, stuck away there with nobody to look at me."
Albert coming P" asked the Duke.
"Oh," said the Doctor, "he's too proud of his gilt gingerbread
temple to stir."
Ah! said the Duke, "rather different quarters from mine at
Walmer. That's where I'm off to-'pick up Peel in the City; wonder
what he thinks of free trade now ? He has had a good look by this
time at the cheap side of the question. So that other F.M. won't
come, won't he P They wanted to make him commander-in-chief,
didn't they ? But I forgot; that -was after your time, Doctor."
Achilles !" shouted the Duke, "take my horse to Tattersall's,
and then follow me. You've been stripped for bathing quite long
enough, and now you shall have something better than shower-
Up, Guards, and after me," cried the Duke, when he reached
Waterloo-place. I'm off to the sea. Fall in."
Please, your grace, we can't swim," answered a saucy Memo-
York, will you join us F" the Iron Duke called out cheerily;
off to the seaside."
Can I be arrested if I come down ?" was York's inquiry. "Think
I shall go to Boulogne. English watering-places awkward; creditors,
you know." I, -- .
Lord Clyde and Sir John Franklin, however, at once leaped from
their pedestals, the latter longing to start for the North Pole, the
former ready to go anywhere at a moment's notice at the Duke's
1 say," said York, lingering, "Here comes Kent pelting down
Portland-place. He's got cramped sitting up there so long. How
he stares at the Langham There's that other precious brother of
mine, George, cutting across Trafalgar-square to the Charing-cross
Station. Billy you can take up in the City, if you're going to the
"I say," added the Soldier's Friend, "here's a lark My old dad
is off !"
And sure enough George the Third was cantering along Cookspur-
street en route for the Charing Cross Station. Charles the First also
cantering up, jostled him at the "In" gate, and Havelock and
Napier rushed from Trafalgar-square to prevent a row, Landseer's
lions growling as if they thought it a pity to spoil sport.
Long-legged Charles the Second came sauntering from Soho-square.
"I'll go and have a look at my ducks," he said. You ain't one,"
he remarked, when he came up to his brother in Whitehall. What
business have you here ? I thought you abdicated ever so long ago.
Look out! Here comes your son-in-law from St. James's-square, in
a hansom. I'll have your nose, Orange. I say, Jamie, the Martyr
has gone down to Folkestone with a lot of blackguards in an excur-
sion train. Let us be good boys and o too, to keep the old humbug
out of mischief. -n .
"What indefinite articles are these ?" exclaimed the incorrigible
joker, as three Annes panted up from Bloomsbury, Westminster,
and St. Paul's Churchyard into the Charing-cross refreshment-room,
where they ordered brandy hot.
"Methinks there be three Edwardsin the train," said Charlesto James
when they had gained their carriage. There were three Edwards seated
opposite them-from Christ's, Bartholomew's, and St. Thomas's. Do
you object to smoking, young gentlemen?" asked Charles, striking a
fusee. I could never keep my brother here from it, even in church."
The Bartholomew's and the St. Thomas's Edwards looked as if they
had heard of smoke before, and the Christ's Edward sniggered as if
he could not deny that even in Newgate-street tobacco was some-
times burnt upon the sly
Meantime Richard the First had clapped spurs to his horse, and
galloped out of Palace-yard towards Victoria Station, Palmerston
jumping up behind, and Canning holding on by the tail. Bedford
from Russell, Bentinck and Cumberland from Cavendish, Fox from
Bloomsbury, and Pitt from Hanover-square, walked together to
Holborn Viaduct Station, talking as they went of forming a Coalition
Ministry. They asked Captain Coram, who joined them from the
Foundling, whether he would take the Board of Trade or become
Naval Lord of the Admiralty. Outram, Mill, and Brunel staggered
along the Embankment, singing "Three Jolly Dogs" until they
should make up their minds where to go to. Mill especially looked
merry. Oh, let's make haste," said Outram, as Shakespeare showed
himself from Leicester-square, here comes a literary chap. Beg
pardon, though, Mill ; you've done something in that way, haven't
At London-bridge Station, Brunel bought a copy of Engineering,
and fell into chat with Paxton, who had just arrived from the
Crystal Palace. Sloane drove up in a growler from Chelsea, and
"Here comes another old Guy shouted the irrepressible Mill, as the
founder of the hospital hard by walked into the booking-office.
Immediately afterwards Myddleton made his appearance on the knife-
board of an Islington omnibus.
"Dear me, Mr. Peabody exclaimed Her Majesty, as she walked
out of the Royal Exchange, "we are the only people left in town;
don't sit beaming there like an old image, but put on your hat and
give me your arm."
"Sharp's the Word and Quick's the Motion."
AT the last meeting but one of the Wakefield guardians of the poor
the speakers were thoroughly parliamentary in their conduct, the
word "liar," followed by blows, being the order, or rather the disorder,
of the day; but, at the meeting on Wednesday week, Mr. Councillor
Sharply made an ample apology for striking Mr. Marshall, and said
a like scene should never occur again. We hope it may not, but when
a man is called "a liar we think he may be forgiven for replying
Mrs. Brown's antidote
for shooting pains.
[SEPT. 8, 1880.
A HARD CASE.
Major Dunnup :-" Awr'LLY DULL DOWN HERE, ISN'T IT, MISS MARIA ?"
Miss Maria:-" Do YOU THINK so p WHY DON'T YOU GO, THEN ? YOU'RE
A BACHELOR, AND HAVE ONLY YOURSELF TO PLEASE."
Major Dunnup :-" ONLY MYSELF TO PLEASE! You DON'T KNOW WHAT
A DOOSID DIFFICULT THING THAT IS TO DO."
AT this season of the year so many people have relatives or friends
at one or other of the different and indifferent watering-places, that
we have thought some really reliable information would be acceptable,
and, utterly regardless of expense, have appointed special corre-
spondents, who telegraph as follows:-
If you wish for luxurious air, come here: it is glorious; but better
adapted for single people than married, for scarcely a morning passes
without a breeze" of some sort. The natives (not the oysters : there
is nothing fishy about Aberystwith) are very nice, and quite different
to all the Welshers I have ever met before.
Have never seen anything like this-in Fleet-street : it is delight-
ful. You have heard of the game Go bang," but if you would take
my advice your little game should be Go Bangor. I have never met
any people so liberal in their views" : you can get two on a cup and
saucer for 6d.
"What are the wild waves saying ?" Come unto these yellow
sands You have heard of the Sands of Dee." Well, these are
.Deecidedly preferable. It is wonderfully economical; no occasion to
take lodgings ; if you buy a spade, you can get splendid diggings for
Here you get a most magnificent view of the open sea, which, on a
very windy day, is open to objection. There are plenty of sights about
here, not including the visitors, some of whom are perfect sights.
The most splendid pier and pavilion of any place is to be found (not
that they have been lost) at Hastings. It is a very fashionable resort,
even the sea generally having a" swell" appearance.
The cry (here) is not still they come," for the visitors make
a great noise, arriving as they do in thousands. There has not been
so good a season for years, and the lodging-house keepers are making
up for lost time. Bathing machines, as bed-rooms, are quite the
thing, and you consider yourself shinglearly lucky if you obtain that
accommodation. As there has been no rain for some time, the people
enjoy themselves finely.
At no other seaside place is there so much "go as here, for the
excursionists are continually going to the Continent vid Harwich. Of
course there are plenty of others who come, ay, and come it strong too;
but the majority do not stay. I do not mean to refer to the ladies'
figures, though of course it reads like it.
ISLE or WIGHT.
In addition to the phenomenon of getting mutton from Cowes, this
island is full of attractions. Walking tours are much indulged in, but
I must say I prefer to Ryde it when here. Steamers start daily,
enabling you to go round the island; but if you can contrive to get
round an hotel-keeper, it is much more profitable but nothing like so
The season at this place is late, but fashionable people are always
late, and Scarborough is very fashionable. I cannot say I admire the
people's ways, for they Spa(r) from morning till night.
Although there is a fine open piece of ground in front of the sea,
there is nothing else Common about this spot. The music and the men
are magnificent, both military.
[As we go to press the telegrams are arriving from all parts, showing
that our correspondents are wiring in."-ED.]
PUTTING IT OFF.
IN Wintertime I first began
To court you, Annie dear;
And breathed, as lovers only can,
Soft nothings in that ear.
I dreamed about you half the night;
I wooed you half the day.
In sunny hopes, in visions bright,
The Winter pass'd away.
'Twas in the Springtime, Annie dear,
You swore to be my bride.
The latter days of March were here;-
The hour was eventide.
You begged a very brief delay-
A month, or little more;-
But, ere you named the happy day,
The Spring, alas, was o'er !
In Summertime I bravely dared,
Dear Annie, to suggest
That, if we thought of getting paired,
That season was the best.
What bliss to hail the merry morn
That made you all my own !-
But while I lingered, still forlorn,
I found the Summer flown.
September brings the Autumn here;
The leaves begin to fall.
Full soon upon the landscape drear
Will Winter spread its pall.
In gloom I sit, with solemn phiz,
A moody single man-
Whose only consolation is
That you're a spinster, Anne!
Captain Hobson's Little Pet."
THE orang-outang at the Aquarium says that
though he should much prefer being in the woods at
Malacca, he intends remaining in Westminster at pre-
sent, and making the best of his oranges and lemons.
The reason he stays in the Aquarium, "The Old Man
of the Woods states, is because it is Hobson's Choice.
Tell This to the Marines.
THE Tel-egraph was so called after the name of its
inventor, William Tell.
SLPT. 8, 1880.] FUN, 101
maidenn Aunt to tall young Nephew :-" As I stood by you.inchurch,
Percy, I could not help being struck by your size."
rercy :-" Very sorry, aunt, but there was rtch an awfully pretty
girl the other side the aisle, I couldn't help sighing! "
Mn. T. W. EvArs, M.P., has presented the Derby Corporation with,
a clock, hoping that its presence in the Council Chamber may remind-
loquacious members of the lapse of time. If we were tke members,
we should look upon this gift as a time-piece of impertinence.
The Manchester Carriage Company have compelled their conductors
to shave off their moustachios. We should like to know the reason for
thisimperative lip service ; itcertainlyseemsan arbitraryarrangement of
the most bare-faced character!
Lord Lytton has actually subscribed ten whole guineas to the
Afghan War Fund for the Relief of the Widow and Orphan. We hope,
for the sake of his family, that he does not orphan give way to such
The licensed victuallers are about to open the Soho Bazaar as a co-
operative store to which only members of the trade will be permitted
to join. The capital is stated at a million, but we should say, "There's
millions in it "-or will be.
A Miss Shove has come out in the first division for the M.B. degree
at the London University. This is the lady who first applied to be
permitted to take a degree, and caused the London University to be
open to women. Of a truth Mise Shove is undoubtedly of the pushing
IT is stated,, on the authority of the Master of a Buckinghamshire
workhouse, that, when by themselves, tramps are positively a .joyous
lot.; they sing, tell stories, and have a wondrous fund of anecdote.
Weare not astonished at their aptitude for telling s.torieibut the
statement that many of them are highly educated, and that they
scribble Latin, Greek, and even Hebrew inscriptions on the walls, is
certainly surprising. It does seem very strange that people acquainted
with a dead language should be unable to get a living, and that their
only chance of making theirmark should be by "casually" scribbling
'in a workhouse.-
SBury Much So.
Til-more bigoted churchmen would make the Primate's namethe
Archbishop of Can't-a-bury you I
"W a.,bird remindsyou of a Catherine-wheel in a state of com-
bustion i. The Flaiinspe..
HuniaH for September! the month of the stubble !
Come, open your cases and shoulder your guns,
Grants, Purdeys, and Richards, both single and double,
The barrels, I mean, and then hey! for the runs !"
Encircle your waist with the belt for the cartridge,
Arrange for the luncheon to be on the hill!
Come, whistle the dogs, who, when seeing a partridge,
Become for the minute so rigidly still.
Let's keep by the hedge with the cutting beside it,
'Tis really, I promise, an excellent place ;
I know it of old, and, whenever I've tried it,
I've never got less than a half-dozen brace.
You take the outside, and we'll walk on the inner-
Don's making a point! Whirr a couple of bangs!
Hum one with both barrels,-well, you're a beginner.
I say Mr. Don, drop the bird from your fangs.
Now stick to the hedge, and-a covey's there stirring!
They're just out of range-mark 'em down as they fly;
They've settled-and rise Bang Miss-Bang miss recurring
Bang Bang! He's succeeded in wiping your eye.
Don's pointing again. Good, my old canine hero ;
The birds are thick here as I told you they were;
We started the hedge with our game-bags at zero,
And now we have over a dozen to share.
What! work up the cutting again ? Did you ever ?
Let's square the big turnip-field round to the right
How! had any beaters ? Good heavens no, never!
.4 bas the battue do I shout all my might.
What pleasure is found in some blessed warm corner,"
With relays of guns whenthey're getting too hot ?
Of such pseudo-sport I'm the.bitterestscorner,
I call it, unmincingly, nothing but rot ;
For where is the sport save in hunting each bird up,
Health gaining and strength from the exercise fine ?
Ha! there goes a covey young Zulu has stirred up,-
Let argument rest till we get home and dine.
We'll halve down the field, and re-meet at the wicket;
You take little Zulu, while we retain Don.
Whirr Bang! There's a pheasant come outof the thioeeLt
Heyday That's forbid till September is gone!.
We're here at our trysting, in front of the others.;
They must have done better than we have, I trow.
Oh, here comes the doggie! What luck, 0 my brothers?
The pupils are beating-the master-hullo!-
See; there is the hill, with the wagonette on it;
We'll range out the lane that is crossed by the burn,
Bang! bang! My. young friend, keep your eyes off the bonnet
Ensconced in the carriage; or give me your turn.
One can't wing a bird and look after the ladies,
That is, both together, it's not to be done.
My mouth is as dry as a summer in Hades,
So don't let us hang about more in thesun,
Hurrah! we are there, let us set about lunching;
We haven't done.badly--some fifty-odd brace;.
That fellow there flirting had better' be munching,.
We've plenty of work ere our steps we retrace.
Come, time we were done !, let us onward be marching, .
We'll send homeourvquarry by means of the trap;
Take leave of the bonnet This heat, it is parching,-
Joha, just a glass more of your excellent tap,
Atop of the hill we'll go downthe ten acres,"
Down there where the wheat is bound up into sheaves;
The birds will abound there, as being partakers,
Unasked, of the corn, that the harvester leaves.
There, what did I tell you f The sport is stupendous,
I've never had such a day yetin my days ;-
The weight of our bags is becoming tremendous.
I guess we shall have to go homein a chaise.
I've run out of cartridges, lend-me a couple-
What! only two left! well, then, let us have one,
For Zulu is changing to stiff from the supple.
Bang there's the last bird for to-day to my gun.
Yes, there is the village, we'll get a conveyance,
A chaise, or a wagon, a barrow, or cart.
They've only a cart I Oh I! well, pride's in abeyance
When sport's in the question, so come, let us start.
Hurrah! we are home, and for dinner are ready-
As hungry as hunters-is dinner for us ?
Gad! there goes the gong! Woho, Dobbin or Neddy !
Don't let dinner wait, or the Squire ho will cuss.
And so, when the wine has just loosened the member,
That's sent us to talk with, and onward it runs,
We tell of the glorious First ,of September,
When ninety-six brace had succumbed to our guns.
102 F U N [SEPT. 8, 1880.
ALL THE FASHION.
Young Lady :-"DEAR ME, MARYL' HOW can YOUR MOTHER LET YOU GO ABOUT WITH YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT?'
Cottage Girl:-" MOTHER LIKES ME TO 'AVB A FRINGE LIKE OTHER YOUNG LADIES. I'M GOIN' TO 'AVE A JERSEY COBTOOM, TOO "
AN INFANT PRODIGY.
I DREW my pet three pictures on her slate-
She is my youngest in a group of five,
Intelligent beyond her years of eight,
And busy as the bees about a hive.
The first I drew was what I'd drawn before-
A tooth which late adorned her pretty mouth ;
The next a chain of rocks upon the shore,
Some coral reef seen in the sunny South.
The third recalled a boating day we spent,
On which in shipping oars I made a mull,
When, with a burst of childish merriment,
She cried, Oh, see you've broke the boatman's scull!"
I sketched an oar, 'twas feathered at the blade-
Because," she said, you always feather oars "-
Then placed the slate before her, and I said,
Now, little friend, I'll take you to the Stores,
And from the dolls and games and knick-knacks there
You shall abstract five shillings' worth of booty,
If, counting these, you cause them to appear
Four pictures 'stead of three ; now to your duty I
Then for a space I watched, and smiled to see
The puzzled look within her thoughtful eyes;
At last her face lit up with sudden glee,
One tooth, reef, oar," she cried, and won the prize.
Now READY. PRIOB ONE SHILLING, PosT-Fmro, Is. 21d.,
FUN'S NEW HOLIDAY BOOK,
"FUN ON THE SANDS."
A Book full of Poetry, Prose, and Pictures. Pictures on every page.
It is just the book for the holiday season, when you want to be
amnued and not to be compelled to think too much. It abounds in
humorous stories and comic verse, which have the rare qualification
of being short."-Sunday Times, Aug. 15, 1880.
The follies of the day, and especially of the recreative season, are
well hit off, and the book as a whole is a good shilling's-worth."-
Brief, Aug. 13, 1880.
"The letter press is amusing, and the illustrations comic and fanoi-
ful."-Reynolds, Aug. 15, 1880.
It is as full of fun as an egg is full of meat,' crowded with jokes,
both old and new, and is a capital shilling's-worth to help to lighten
the tedium of a morning's doece far niente on the Beach.' -Brighton
Herald, Aug. 14, 1880.
Here are jokes enough, verbal and pictorial, for a whole month's
holiday. The dullest of days they will enliven."-Neeu, of the World,
Aug. 15, 1880.
No one can read the pages without finding abundant, and laughter-
provoking, amusement in them."-Brighton Guardian, Aug. 18, 1880.
"FUN" OFFICE, 1583, FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.O.
O acVE Lime Fruit Juice, W R
PEPPERMENT Limetta Cordial and Cohi COCOA'
PINE APP Lime Fruit Cordials cup, it provE
A LA Free of Alcohol. tach
RETAIL o, GaomosS, CRISIS, WINE MErCHAS, &e. PIURE!!! SOLUBLE I!! REFRfOMC I !i
) printed b y JUDD & CO., Pho~nix Works St. Andrew's Wl, Doctors' Commons, and Publisheh (for the Pseleters) at 15. Fleet Street, I.O.-London, September 8, 1880.
SIrT. 15, 1880.] F JUNo 13
Paterfamilias finds things too bad this year to go out of town, but with a few seaside costumes, spades for the children, and a slight stretch of
the imagination, he has no doubt that they will all derive as much benefit as usual.
THE END OF THE SESSION.
HURRAH the Session's over, and we're free to go at last,
"" The Speech has been retailed to us, and all the Bills are pass'd ;
The Session has been lengthened out abnormally, we know,-
A month ago we reckoned we should be allowed to go ;
The sittings individually have been an awful length,
We had to bring in penny buns to help sustain our strength;
The pairs have been so numerous, attendance has been thin,
And measures have been, certainly, just hurried out and in.
Our tempers got so touchy under this prolonged restraint
We used to quarrel till the heat would nearly make us faint;
We'd listen to the Irishman's eternal platitude,
Who only gained attention when beginning to be rude;
We seated Mr. Bradlaugh, and we got a "concert" up,
And passed a Bill whose "throwing out" has filled the Irish cup ;
We ordered home Sir Bartle Frere, who failed to federate,"
We've settled all the English Hares and Rabbits' future fate;
The question as to Burial we've haply compromised,
And seen that cargoes when of grain shall not be over-sized ;
We've settled that Afghanistan shall not be held for long,
And saddled the employer when his satellites do wrong ;
We've taken off the duty from the barleygrower's sacks,
And put another penny on the 'lastic income-tax;
All these, with sundry little Bills of not so much account,
Will bring the Session's work above the average amount;
We've had some slight unpleasantness about "another place,"
And so we've fretted, fumed, and sat until our day of grace.
But now at last the Session's done, and we are free to go
Where mountain air invigorates, or ocean breezes blow.
The question is, Where shall we go P the season being late-
Shall partridge-shooting claim us, or for pheasants shall we wait ?
The places on our English coasts are getting rather dull,
While Paris has assumed her hardly-earned autumnal lull.
Then Scotland's growing misty, and they must have rain ere long,
While Ireland won't do any how, the feeling is so strong.
There's Spain, the South of France, too, with the lofty Pyrenees,
Or Switzerland, in which to draw the merry mountain breeze.
Without a doubt there's Germany, and Italy as well,
Nice places, and in season too, as Baedeker will tell.
But then they're such a long way off and such a fag to reach,
While all the persons round you are the daughters of the leech."
The Session has fatigued us so that really I've a doubt
Of being equal to the task of travelling about.
Some place near home I'd like to make the haven of my rest,
Upon my back upon the beach to watch the billow's crest ;
But then it's getting late for that-no sooner settled down
Than chills, short days, and "no onethere" will sendus back to town.
I really think, considering, 'twere better not to roam,
But take the holiday and rest, and save the purse, at home !
A Subject That Wants "Ventilating."
THE Local Rights Association for obtaining Rental and Sanitary
Reform has had a meeting in Soho, and according to the Secretary,
Mr. Dunn, the people will require a good deal of Dunning before they
are better. It is no uncommon thing to find 35 people inhabiting an
eight-roomed house,andit is thereforeintended topetition Parliament on
the subject; but we should think where seven people are found sleeping
in one room it would be better to partition the rooms. It seems there
is no water laid on to these dens, and there are no fastenings to the back
or front doors-the latter luxury being an arrangement which
strikes us as exceptionally unnecessary, seeing that the class of
residents are not in a position to keep open house." Although the
Association is striving to benefit the poor by obtaining for them
increased and superior accommodation, it richly deserves support, for
the upper classes are considerably affected in the matter. Much
embroidery, &c., is made in these places, and infection consequently
carried to wealthy homes, so we advise the Society to press this phase of
the question, as if the lives of the Upper Ten are endangered a re-
formation may ensue ; but if it be thought that only the convenience
and health of wozkpeople are involved, it will literally bc "a poor
VOL. XXXIl.-NO. 801
104 FU N-T o [SEPT. 15, 1880.
OUR PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.-XV.
ON August t4e 30th (Monday) the House had a talk about Turkey;
The "it'aving sent to the Powers two answers of different meanings
Abt ,t6h ontenegrin question, thePow'rs were concocting an answer.
t his act of the Turks is expressive,
Their wishes to please are excessive;
Perhaps they meant this to their answers to tack:
'.Just take which you want-send the other one back."
But, meantime, the Fleet (to the Turks or Medusa)
Is off to the Austrian port of Ragusa.
This do4e with, the Bill about Rabbits and Hares was produced for
Lord Kimberley firmly proceeding
To move its penultimate reading.
Lord Redesdale, however, opposed it; Lord Beaconsfield, growing
Predicted most terrible evils supposing the Bill were successful,
But wouldn't at this stage oppose it, suggesting a fight in Committee.
And 'mid all that lordly assemblage, of all to the Bill who objected,
The parrot-cry "freedom of contract" was all they supported their
(Now "freedom of contract" is worthy, but justice is possibly better).
Their lordships obligingly read it by 68 votes against 20.
On Tuesday the Bill on Employers they read a third time with
Amendmentsthe Commonsrejecting, theyfinallypassed itwithoutthem
And then they went into Committee about those same Hares and
And passing a pair of amend.ents-one making a close time for
The other restricting the shooting of game to the tenant or agent-
They let it emerge from Committee and pass the third reading on
The Commons would none of their notions, however, and docked their
Ani their lordships, accepting their fate, co. S. u3 7y p i:..1 the third
On Wednesday night they rejected, without th. lt sh-:.x.c ufdi:u, ..n,
The Bill framed to Register Voters who're hight of the Irish
Because they were piqued at the Commons not sending the matter up
Lord Redesdale proposed the rejection (his name be for ever recorded),
The Commons came down on him hotly, of which he complained on
And on Friday gave notice of moving to censure the Commons' method
Of dealing with Bills from their lordships-oh, isn't his lordship just
But let us relinquish the subject and turn from the poor exhibition.
The Commons' amendments concerning the Burials Bill were accepted.
And Saturday shadowed the end with the Bill of Appro-per-i-ation:
On Monday the rest of its stages were passed and the Session was ended.
On Monday Supply was completed, the votes being passed rather
Debate on the subject of Irish Constab'lary, only, arising
(Some eloquent words Mr. Cowen gave vent to deserving remembrance);
The vote being passed on division without any show of obstruction.
On Tuesday South African matters, with varied remarks on Sir Bartle,
Quite occupied both of the sittings before the Supply was reported.
On Wednesday the Appropriation its Bill was opposed by the Irish,
Who kept up sufficient discussion to cause, for a day, its postponement.
An address for a Royal Commission to closely inquire into cases
Of practices full of corruption alleged at the recent elections
For Macclesfield, Knaresborough, Gloucester, the Bury of Canter,
With Sandwich, and Oxford, and Boston was carried nem. contradicente
(Except in the matter of Gloucester, but that was agreed on division).
On Thursday the Bill for Employers (amendments) came on for
They modified one, and the other, without a remark, they rejected.
The Census Bill got through Committee (without any clause for
Was quicldy and promptly reported," and quietly passed its third
On Friday Sir WV. Harcourt disposed of their lordships' amendments
Attached to the Bill about Ground Game (already hereinbefore stated).
The motion to take to Committee the Bill for Apperopriation
(Oh, bother that idiot title! I can't get it into the rhythm!)
Found Mr. Parnell with a motion to tack on a clause from the measure
To register Irishmen voters but recently "squelched" by their
Which Government couldn't permit; but it offered a chance Mr.
SMale use of to "lecture" their lordships, which startled Sir Stafford
(Perhaps it may startle the lords to bhbave less like babies in future,
For we should be sorry to see thei dqnudd of power by a tittle -
Such childish behaviour repeated m t give their opponents a weapon).
Lord Redesdale was criticised'gratly-we trust that his lordship
Mr. Callan, behaving absurdly, called to order, was "named" and
(To which, as he's said mea cupa, ng further allusion is needed),
And then without further obstruction Lbe Bill made its way though
(The Bill with the idiot title I can'tt sasAglt into the rhythm).
On Saturday morning the ,tir .le-irn d up uall the rest of the".u ;
Mr. Gladstone appeared on the Benpche (was heartily cheered by all
The Bill with the idiot title I can't smuggle into the rhythm
Passed through its third reading thk -goqdness!) in spite of Lord
Churchill on Burrows;
Aflfirs in the East were examined, and there was an end to the Session.
On Tuesday, with joy to themselves and the nation,
Arrived the New Parliament's first prorogation.
The wearisome vigil is over and past;
Away, all ye members who've stayed to the last !
Away, for the breezes that freshen the brain
(To render it ready for turmoil again !).
Go seek the mild zephyrs that rustle the trees,
Or seek on the mountains a sturdier breeze,
Or seek on the ocean a health-giving gale
(A recipe -seldom discovered to fail) ;
For all of you've had (so, at least, we suppose)
Enough of hard words-so go in for hard blows,
TO To EDITOR Of "'fUN."
Fqlmaouth, last ofndeay.
Smi,-How you can do it, I don't know. I-should have thought the
appeal I made in my last would have melted a heart of stone (I need
scarcely say, sir, it is your own organ lam alluding to) ; but it seems I
was wrong. If you hadn't the money yourself, I'm sure even the
Office Boy couldn't object to your sending my hat round. What
could I do when you failed me? I couldn't stay at the Lizard
without money-at least not more than a week-so I started to beg
my way home, and I've got as far as this. I've done pretty well in
the country parts (there aren't many beggars down here, and it isn't
spoilt yet), but it's hard work in the towns. I've only got fourpence
to-day, so I've just turned into a pub. to write my tip, for I stick to
my duty in spite of your treatment-Virtue is its own reward. Of
course I couldn't use their parlour without ordering a glass of ale.
TIP rOR THE ST. LEGER.
Though the Prophet's pow'r of fasting,
Tanner-like, were everlasting,
Can he hope to spot the winner
When he hasn't had his dinner ?
Let him try (nor think of feeding),
Dimly in the future reading
How the Abbot (fast or revel)
Cannot cope with Rob. the Devil;
For Bend Or alone can beat him
(If the Devil dare to meet him);
How a word (and more) they say, too,
In support of Beauminet, too;
How the riches of La Plata
One might lay on Cipolata;
How with fear extremely pale is
He who foe to Teviotdale is;
How, as winners, some will now let
Novice shout and Jenny Howlet;-
Hard indeed the Prophet's task is,
Everything beneath a mask is;
But he lives in hopes of seeing'
J and H and R and B in.
Just as I finish this I look up. My eagle glance passes through the
window. What do I see I am all excitement in a moment. A
coach is passing from Penzance to its destination up the street. Your
theatrical contributor Nestor is on the box, surrounded by portman-
teaux. I am off like the wind; perhaps he will help me to town. I close
this hurriedly, and am, yours, &c. TRoP'HONIUS.
P. S.-I am in full chase-he recognizes me-he looks-
SEPT. 15, 1880.]
HEAVE ho! my jolly messmates !
Light up your 'bacca-pipes ;
And give the steward orders-
Rum, whiskey, gin, or swipes:
Drain every glass, each to his lass,
Then listen while I tell
About a little journey
That once to me befell,
The breezes blow!
When I wasn't very well.
'Twas on a day in August,
A-walking down the street,
The skipper Donald Currie
I happened for to meet.
Says he, My boy, I wish you joy;
My ship's in port," says he;
You want your mainbrace splicing,
So come along to sea."
Says I at last,
You're just the boy for me "
Before eight bells had sounded
We started for a trip
Aboard Grantully Castle,
A good and gallant ship.
The crew was brave, and blue the wave,
The briny breeze was grand;
And soon I found my sea-legs,
And learned the way to stand:
Abeam, abaft !
We sang and laughed
Around the British land !
Now shiver all my timbers,
But wasn'tt very long
Before ashore I landed
Quite hale again and strong.
And now "A. B." they've rated me,
'Tis pleasant to relate;
For I, my mates, if needful,
Could steer a steamer straight,
Luff! Port! Belay!
I'in proud to say,
Besides the Ship of State!
A LANDSMAN'S LOG.
EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A PRIVATE INDIVIDUAL.
CAPITAL boat, this Grantully Castle; doesn't roll about too much.
Can manage to stand quite upright, by holding on by the rail. (By
rail and by sea at the same time! Ha, ha! Shall spring that joke
on them at the next Cabinet Council.) Almost positive now that I'm
a good sailor. Won't I let them find it out at the Admiralty, that's all!
Quite enjoying my rest. An idle life is certainly delightful. Did
nothing all yesterday, except run through-half-a-dozen new Blue
Books, knock off an article on The Pessimists of Hygiene for the
Nineteenth Century, write a score or so of letters and postcards to
various correspondents, and send Harty my views as to the conduct of
public business during the remainder of the Session. Almost forgot
to add that, after Mrs. G. had gone to bed, had all hands quietly
piped on deck, and lectured to them for an hour and three-quarters on
" Homeric Protoplasms."
Spent all this morning in the engine-room, and thoroughly investi-
gated the working of the machinery. By way of a little exercise,
helped the men to stoke up : an excellent plan for strengthening
the muscles of the back. Unfortunately, Clarke came in and
stopped me. Though I'm sorry to have to say so, that man really is
becoming quite a nuisance. Can't amuse myself according to my
own tastes for ten minutes together, but in he bounces and tries to
Hope to be able to gather some valuable information as to the
social status of mariners in general. The other day, when Currie
wasn't looking, managed to snatch a brief conversation with the Man
at the Wheel; but his cerebral capacity was apparently below par,
and he couldn't even tell me for certain what first gave sailors a
habit of hitching their trousers, though he thought it might have had
something to do with fleas. Must examine this question further.
Have learned comprehensively all the parts of the ship by name,
and shall coach Herby up in naval matters. Made a rough calcula-
"It is time the black sheep were weeded out of the
,emima Hann:-" You AIN'T A-TELLIN' THE TRUTH, CHARLEY SMITH,
COs I SEE YER STEAL THE BUN OUT OF THE SHOP, AND EAT IT, TOO. WOT
MAKES YER TELL SUCH LIES ?"
Charley Smith :-" FATHER'S A PLEECEMAN."
tion as to the probable result of laying a tax on all rigging above two
inches in thickness, and find it would amount to something consider-
able. May revert to the subject again, before my next Budget.
Begin to feel very strong again, and this restraint is irksome.
They won't let me address deputations for more than a few minutes
in port, and after-dinner speeches are tabooed on board. But the
voyage will soon be over, and then Carrie has promised, for a great
treat, to let me fell the masts of the Grantully Castle with my new
axe. Won't the splinters fly Hooray !!
A MODERN ORACLE.
OF late I ploughed Killarney's famous tide,
Fair mountains rising high on every side,
On whose steep banks we marked the summer breeze
Shake ruddy berries from'arbutus trees.
Our bugler's notes were echoed o'er and o'er,
Wild snatches they from "Melodies of Moore,"
Repeated oft in lessening cadence sweet,
As if by fairies in some far retreat.
Romantic land whose every streamlet owns
A deathless tale, whose very rocks and stones
Of legendary lore are fruitful made
By apt imagination's artful aid,
And where the charms of Nature, weird and wild,
Touch chords responsive in her meanest child !
Then, since the seer and poet nearly merge,
For ever trembling each on other's verge,
I yielded to an impulse in my breast
That I should put those echoes to the test.
But when, with cheeks and lungs distent with might,
I shouted loudly at my shrillest height:
What horse will win the great Cesarewitch "
To my disgust, they simply answered-" WHICH ?"
[SEPT. 15. 1830.
A MEAN ADVANTAGE. (AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL PLAINT.)
She corners us with the remark:-" I hope you did not take off the sheets because you And when there is subsequently found some item in the hill necessitating a
thought they were DAMP ? She fixes us with her eye; our determination to give word of objection, we tell our better half where to find the landlady
her a piece of our mind about those sheets dissolves; we gasp apologetically, -and slip round the corner en sudden and urgent business.
'Oh, no---of course it wasn't-that-I-we-hope you don't mind ?"
F'UN.--SEPT. 15, 1880.
John Bull:-" HIT HIM AGAIN: I THINK I'VE FINISHED HIM THIS TIME !"