C M j ;
Jli .. ... ...
PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS) BY T. MOFFITT,
153, FLEET STREET, E.C.
PREFACE TO VOL.
THE COLLECTIVE WISDOM OF 1880 had been trying his very best ever
so long; but he could not get that puzzle to come right. It would make the proper
number in an oblique way from corner to corner, for the COLLECTIVE WISDOM.
was used to doing things askew, and getting himself into corners; and it would make
the proper number horizontally, because he was in the habit of doing things on a
dead, unvarying level, and making things fall flat; but the numbers would not add
up properly in an upright, vertical, straightforward, aspiring direction, for this sort
of thing was not his forte.
His considering cap was on, but it was useless ; the puzzle-to make the events
of the first half of 1880 look shipshape and add up pleasantly, wisely, and decorously
in every direction was quite beyond the powers of the COLLECTIVE
A contemptuous chuckle broke the stillness. You have begun wrong," said
FUN, looking over his shoulder; that's the first thing."
Well, but I seem to have too many blocks-I have begun with this block-a
' TERRIBLE CATASTROPHE then I've gone on with this block a BOARD OF
TRADE ENQUIRY ABOUT IT.' "
"Ah!" replied FUN (having lost his customary smile), "you have too many
blocks, that's it !-if you had begun with that one, the 'Board of Trade Enquiry,
you might have done away with that other altogether! Your muddle is not a
subject for jesting sometimes! "
Well, then, I have put this block next, The GENERAL ELECTION '-and then
'ELECTION PETITIONS.' "
"Good GRACIOUS roared FuN-" Why you place everything wrong-
side-up and topsy-turvy; what a dreadful idiot, to be sure Just look here-try
placing the 'Petitions' block before the other-that's it. Now, you see, your
' General Election' block gives you no trouble whatever, but dtops into its proper
place quite easily and satisfactorily."
"Well, then," said the COLLECTIVE WISDOM, the next two blocks are
ENCROACHMENTSS OF RUSSIA and EXPLOSIONS OF DYNAMITE IN RUSSIA.' "
Hum! replied FUN, "there you are again. Put your Dynamite first-
sufficient of it to extend its effects to all the Russias-that's it. Now explode it-
there now, we shall hear no more of RUSSIAN ENCROACHMENTS '-and that is about
the only way to gain that very desirable end."
"Then," continued the COLLECTIVE WISDOM, "there is this block,-
'DENUNCIATIONS OF AUSTRIA'-and then APOLOGIES TO AUSTRIA.' Reverse
'em," said FUN; and they'll both disappear-you don't want them."
"Then here is 'A AN UNACCOUNTABLE DISAPPEARANCE' and an ENQUIRYY INTO
THE SEAWORTHINESS OF A SHIP.' FUN's lip quivered, as he cast a look of unmis-
takable meaning at the COLLECTIVE WISDOM.
If you had put the Enquiry first-perhaps-" and his bauble fell from
his hand as he turned away.
"Read the puzzle off now," said FUN.
"Right in every direction -horizontal, vertical, and diagonal!" exclaimed the
COLLECTIVE WISDOM, amazedly. It might have been right long ago," replied
FUN, "if you had not PERSISTENTLY INVERTED EVERYTHING."
VI ,: ~
I kJ. ~
OUe Ext, a-Sptc.al Sees the New Y, a. ENGRAVINGS, &c
LITERARY'.In, 8; Gives a Children's Party, 18;
LITERARY.Take Cake and Win Behind the AGREED, 10
ART of Pelite Conversation (The), 5 Scees, 27; At a Fancy Dress Ball, Accommodating, 28
April Wooing (An), 163 (The), At the Bird Show, 47; As a Amateur Profession (The), 84 [44
Art and Heart, 234 Valentine Writer, 54; In the House, "And Things are not What they Stem,"
64; AndtheNorth Pole,74; InBearch All Saints, 62
BEAUTY of Self-Sacrifice (The), 22 of the Pole, 89; Returns to Earth, 94; Anything for Change, 68
Baffled Quest (The), 65 On the Coming Race, 111; On the At Last, 100
Blues (The), 108 Elections, 121; At the Brighton Re- Adding Insult to Injury, 141
Booking-hole Peat (The), 128 view, 126; And Mr. Parnell, 142; On Altered One (The), 182
Blushing for Gladstone, 217 the New House that the Polls Built, A "Jam," 244
COMMON Humanity, 69 152; And the Earl of Beaconeflild, BLIND Fiddler (The), 21
Crimes, Casualties, Catastrophes, &c., 71 163; And the Thirty-seven Liberal Beyond Expectation, c8
Cape Heroics, 80 M P.s', 171 ; On Cabinet-Making, 183; Bus-tliog, 72
Candidate's Catechism (The), g9 At the Royal Academy, 198 ; Amongst Be Blowed, 80
Choral Pren, 131 the Pictures, 201; And the Derby, 208; Break Off (A), 141
Candidate's Farewell (The), 132 And His Fire Escape, 219; On Sea- Binker's Great Sell, 148
Change (The), 162 ide at Home, 234; Completes hid Blackguard's Outing (The), 220
Cave Canem, 218 Seaside at Home, 244; Chronicles a CRIStnMAs-Box Mania (The), 14
Chartreuse, 227 Failure, 253; at the Islington Jousts, Capital Punishment Question (The), 24
268 Chilling, 47
DOTS by ths Way- Out Again, 32 Contented Mind (A), 83
Hail, Glad New Year, 3 Old Clothe,, 39 "* Cesar'a Wife must be," &ec., 102
A Remonstrance, 23 Our National Joke, 172 Consulting and Insulting, 182
Help for the Starving Poor, 41 Outside, 214 Conservative Party (A), 137
Great Election Fight (The), 161 Our Parliamentary Notices: (1), 223; Cutting, 165
Finish of the Fight (The), 171 (2), 228; (3), 243; (4), 249 ; (5), 263 Capital" Punishment (A), 174
A-Maying, 173 O'Donnelliams, 247 Club "Stud"-y (A), 233.
Spring, 193 On the Value of One Really Great In- Clean Cheek (A), 253
St. Stephen's Walls, 288 spiration, 259 Crack Sculler (The), 254
Dissolution on the Brain, 114 PERSEVERING Officer (The), 9 DIS-AT-isrACTION, 50
Dissolving Agent (The), 126 P'tulst Pet (A), 13 "DomYo See any Grin ?" 92 [18
Dogs and the Problems, t et (A), 1 "Do You See any Grin 92 [188
Day Dream (A), 195 Proposal (A), 62 Depraving Effects of a General Election,
Duplicate convict (The), 245 Philosophy of Modemrn Life (The), 83 Dram Demon (The), 202
Patents Required, 85 Derby Day-Heads of the People, 216
EPISODE in the History of John Thomas Postponed Race (The), 131 Doing the Grand (Hotel), 238
Goodie Goodie (An), 42 Political Address (A), 135 ELECTIONEERIXo Item, 125
Election Intelligence, 84 Polling, 147 Election Notes, 135
Easter Entertainments (The), 141 Pleasanter Side of Things (The), 197 Entire Animal (The), 183 -[(An)," 205
Early Visitor (The), 152 Poet's Card (The), 205 "Effect of the late Clerical Scandal
Effect Abroad (The), 157 Piece-full Heart (A), 28
Extenuating Circumstance (An), 184 Pity a Poor Irish Secretary, 264 FAty) Simile (A), 13
FEw Requests (A), 113 QUEEN Cinderella, 29 Fun's Derby Hieroglyphic; or, Clear
Financial Criticism, 254 RIVAL Babes (The), 1 and Comprehensive Tip Typical, 2( 5
GENERAL Election (The), 145 Round of the Theatres (The), 17 Fast Going, 207
Grosvenor Summer Pictur (The), Rejected Addrersses, 40 "GOOD Timsh Comin', Boysh," 11
"Roundabout" Justice, 43 Good Things to say on the Fourteenth
HOME Rule Abroad, 12 Russian Hemp, 95 of February, 60
Happiness for Erin, 38 Race Next Year (The), 132 Grand and Important Discovery, 76
His Manifesto, 117 "Reason Why (Tae)," 157 Green "-ly (A), 95
Hospital Sunday, 229 Rejected I 161 Grandmother's Clock, 157
How Tuggins got in for Tiddlerpool, 237 Rise of a Great School (The), 176 Good Word for Somebody (A), 192
SArR. A. Array (The), 181 Growing Uncertainty, 285
Improvement in Trade (The), 99 HRusian Intelligence, 235G HI English, 27
Intelligent Foreigner at the Boat-race, SUMMARY Jurisdiction Act (The), 21 Heads and Tales, 75
(The), 116 ; at the Derby, 234 Song of the Unemployed (The), 31 Hothouse Politician (A), 187
Intercepted Addresses, 125 St. Valentine's Valentine, 63 Honey-Dewde of a ow Th hen Mamma
Intimidation, 152 Submarine Photography, 81 Heard about it, Though, 213
" Irrecoverable Moneys," 955 Some Humble Suggestions, 93 "Heartless Disrespect for Peasant P:ea-
JUDICrAL Separations Wanted, 101 Study in Blue (A), 103 Pantry," 214
JuoASeparationsWanted, 101 afe Over It; or, Muscovite Rebels, 122 "Hard-arted,4' 217
KING Chance, 81 Spirit of Parliament (The), 131, 203 "I'LL be Leader," 124
Kitty, 204 Superior Cunning of Thompson (The), Inevitable Consequence, 128
LIoUrST (A), 43 14 L'ETERNUEMENT, 12
Last and Lost, 89 Sime Election Scenes, 153 Leap Year, 1880, 61
LaMort dne Marionette, 90Sock and Buhin, 32,42,54, 4,74,84,9, Lemon-aid (The), 65
Love Story (A), 100 123,126, 136, 46,156,166, 178, l 6, 0, Life Assurance, 99
" Let it Slide 115 218, 38, 218, 264 Latest Betting," 106
Likely Tales- Sweet Hope, 264 Lip Salve, 121
The Trenchant Satirist, 147 TROPHONIOS at a Midnight O:gie, 2 Little Lamb," 175
Last Holy Alliance (The), 1C6 True Freedom! 41 LatestFashionab'e Complaint (The), 227
MY resolve, 19 Triumphant Ugly One (The), 59 MEAN Conduct of Breakables (The), 4
Mr Resolve, 19 The 133 Missing, 23
Mr. Fun at the Mansion House, 52 Three Weeks of a Sultan's Diary, 167 Mumpy and Grumpy, 89
Minon, 01 That Hut, 194 More Proofs of the Antiquity of Some of
Military Answers, 100 Turf Cuttings, 71,79, 90, 95,104, 116, 127, our Institutions, E6
Maud and Dolly, 117 13, 46, 156,166,177,186,196, 213,218, Mems of the Boat-race, 113
MaDria, 17 229,248 Midsummer Eve, 247
Memory in Absence, 203 UNQUALIFIED Ones (The), 216 NEVERi Thought of It 1 52
del Customer (The) 206 New Persuasion (A), 82
Matter of TaCustomer (The), 206 VANISEn Bliss (A), 7 Noble Animal (The), 154
My Treasures, 2 19 Valentine foray A, 1 Not "Up to Snuff," 164
MValentine (A), 59 "Nothing like Being well Prepared,"
NEVER Sav Die I 37 WITNESSES in Waiting (The), 49 167
National Demonstration of Women, 75 What's on the Easels, 151 No Doubt 1 257
Ninon at the Adelphi, 79 Word of Rebuke (A), 186 ON the Ice, 30
Not Guilty," 167 Whitsuntide, 1880, 206 Organ-hie (Hie), 48
New ogey (A), 185 "What is Sauce for the Goose," &c., 239 On the Horns of a Dilemma, 69
New Mode of Expression (A), 187 Weary Tennis Player (The), 243 Over the Course, 105
"Opprissed Race (The) 155
One Way to Pr,,iolion, 216 [22 i
" Oh, Whar a Glorious Sight to bee,"
Out of the Shell, 229
Our Parliamentary Headings, 230
Off his Perch, 239
Odds on the Spider," 250
Out of the World, 258
POLE-AXER (A), 43
Paucity of Churches (The), 86
" Pay "-Lucid, 221
Parts of Speech, 249
RErMINrISCECES of the Fog, 70
Red-dy Answer (A). 73
Regular Stroke (A), 79
Remarkable Fact (A), 127
Recollections of the Royal Academy,
(1), 178; (2), 158; (3), 198
Rural Simplicity, 194
Right They Were, 219
" SWEET Simplicitee," 3
Skating Season (The).-Jottings at
Sharp Chick (A), 18
Sell (A), 23
Sailing Across Dartmoor, 40
Sc. Valentine's Day, 63
Some Customers, 66
Simple Necessaries, 93
S-crew-tiny, 104 [145
" Seet Likely to Endure, Though (A),"
Some Important Verdicts, 158
"Snip Snap (A), 206
Stamp of Breeding (The), 240
Simple Faith, 246
TAKING it Off, 117
Triumph of Identification, 118
" Top" Story (A), 184
"Tran'nup a Child in the Way he Should
Go," &C, 201
Theological Discussion (A), 203
Take Down for Smudge (A), 234
Those Useful Building Acts, 2t0
" UNSATISFACTOnY Arithmetic," 31
Use Before Fashion, 103
"Unpleasantly Straight Tip (An)," 112
University Boat-race (The), 113
"Up to It," 162
VERY Pronounced, 90
" Votary to Nicotine (A)," 142
Value of an Article is According to How
it is Rejected, 168
WAY to Acquire Knowledge (A), 114
Who's Larking ? 185
Whitsuntide Holiday Sketches, 195
YOUTHFUL Objection to Soap and Water,
ART of Polileness (The), 97
Appeal to the Public (An), 119
Advice Gratis; or, In at One Ear, Out
at the Other, 241
At the Liberal Laundry, 251
Bowing Him Out, 179
Cabinet Pictures, 1t9
Church versus Chapel, 231
First Favourite Liberal Party, l.y
Success out of Election, 211
Great National Wrestling Match, 129
Great Water Cure (The), 261
His Last Decoration, 169
Last Legacy of the Old Year (The), 5
Leap Year-St. Valentine's Day, 57
Obstinate Pig (The), 76
On the Road to Downing-street, 159
Pat's Patent Life-Protector, 25
Preparing for the Session, 35 [15
Rival Clowns (The): Waiting to Go On,
Russian Game of "Hide and Seek"
Rival Sandwiches (The). 139
Swarming of the Bees (The), 45
Shylock and his Pound of Flesh," 67
St. Stephen's Circus, 199
Seat of Honour (A), 221
Upsetting the Boats, 109
William the Conqueror, 149
THE RIVAL BABES.
ONE OF THOSE MONOLOGUES BY MR. FuN.
GOOD day, Old Time, it seems we hold
A somewhat similar position-
Our households having just enrolled
A simultaneous addition.
I see young Eighteen-Eighty's nurst,
Is he upon his pins unsteady P
Just look at my young Thirty-First,
You see he runs alone already.
S I often think Atropos bids
Your sons depart with harsh contriving-
Of all your eighteen-eighty kids,"
To think you've only one surviving !
While I have thirty living joys,
^- In sturdy health that no one queries,
As well as seven older boys,
Sons of my first, you know, Old Ceres.
They say you EAT your children, Time,
But though some may as truth receive it,
I hold it far removed from crime
To say I wholly disbelieve it;
For, when I've seen my offspring through
The ills that babes attack so blindly,
I always hand them o'er to you,
And, Time, you treat them very kindly.
P'r'aps-though each child of yours we greet
With smiles and joyous acclamation-
It is because they're such a cheat
The Fates decree their condemnation;
For Hope, though bright at first, grows dim,
As daily each turns out so badly,
Until we hate the sight of him,
And expedite his exit gladly.
And mark the contrast. Sons of mine
(Though without fuss) are hailed politely,
Till, as their Wit and Virtues shine,
Men yield them highest honour-rightly,
They spread delight and joy about,
And lash and lacerate aggressors.-
This one will be, I make no doubt,
As worthy as his predecessors.
VOL. xxxI.-NO. 765.
[JAN. 7, 1880.
TROPHONIUS AT A JJIDINGHT ORGIE.
To THE EnDIon or "FPo."
.. ,' IR, |-The old man is
free to confess that it
being ig t pa was not without tre-
..', d pidation that he
agreed to accept (as
bo your substitute)
S Messrs. Tussaud's in-
p fvitation to a mid-
n a night soirie among
their wax figures on
the 22nd of last
mortal I utterly scorn
to fear-be it editor
q it is hinted that the
figures will, in all
probability, come to
Slife and hold "un-
holy orgie," in which
w join, some slight
tion, you understand
-may be excused,
particularly as my
nerves were com-
pletely shattered in
early infancy by the
frequent threats of.
an inhuman nurse
to conjure up a.
being bearing the painful name of' "Raw-head (although "cooked
head "' would be more disturbing of the peace of my maturer
years) and something-bones" (which was ghastly enough to curdle the
blood at any age). Of your reason for not going yourself I am not in
possession, but my private opinion is that you were downright and
simply afraid. It's all nonsense to say you had to see Emma Jutau at
the Oxford and fothomageo at the Alhambra, and had promised your
-wife to go home to tea. However, I daresay you're sorry you didn't
go nOw, as I have already told you I spent one of the mostenjoyable
evenings, and the figures remained inanimate--indeed, ink they
had scent of the affair and determined to baulk us; there was a mis-
chievous twinkle in Muller's eye and a supercilious smile upon Marat's
lip that spoke volumes. -
On entering the first room my eye lighted on the welcome sight of
refreshments), and stepping towards him with inimitable grace I put
the necessary question. He, however, took no notice, but gazed
calmly over my head. Thinking he had not heard me, I repeated my
question, giving him a gentle dig in the chest with my catalogue.
He reeked! My acute intellect at once grasped the situation-he was
wax. Turning in some confusion from the figure (though I think my
mistake was unnoticed), my eye fell upon another---an Eastern boy,
copper-coloured of countenance, thick of lip and- curved of nose, and
clad in tasselled fez, short jacket, baggy trousers, russet gaiters, and
shoes. I thought it marvelously like reality. "See," I murmured,
"how like life the skin shines, the very eyes appear to roll- At
this point the figure grinned, and said in a deep tone, "Refreshments,
suP?" pointing the way. Confound it! It was real. I blushed-I
stammered I turned away-and caught sight of the "Sleeping
That calmed me. I gazed at the lightly-parted lips and gently-
heaving bosom for awhile; then, bendinglow, I whispered, "Madam-
Princess-the time has come-the hundred years are past-the hand-
some Prince is here-the Prince Trophonius-wake !" and would have
kissed her softly, but I was arrested by a hearty slap on the shoulder.
I turned. The spell was broken; it was another member of the
"What Trophonius, my boy," said he, "come and have a drink."
And I went. We were all Tussauders there, so we had two sodas.
But, sir, I am forgetting the principal object of our gathering
which was to view an unfinished colossal equestrian statue of the late
Prince Imperial. It represents the last known scene in his life, hi
vain attempt to mount when the Zulu alarm was given. The group i
life-size. The horse plunges wildly, and the Prince, in the act o
making an ineffectual grasp at the stirrup-leathor, falls mortall.
wounded by a gimlet in the left shoulder, but supported by a plan
beneath the arm. Jocularity apart, though-and it is, maybe, a little
out of place (but Fuox is nothing without his joke*)-the work is
Capital opportunity for seathingsatiriht to say "Then Fez is nothing."-T.
worthy record of a sad event, as well as: a spirited and unique under-
Sir, I don't like the Room of Horrors; there is a creepiness and a
crawliness about it that send one back to the refreshment counter
pale and dishevelled." I will relate a gruesome incident connected
with it. I was standing within its shades sneering at a party who was
"holding forth" ; I sneered because I felt he was showing off."
He was discoursing of the people in the room. "Anyone might
know these," he said, for murderers and cut-throats-their counten-
ances bear unmistakable signs. Take this figure, for instance" (he
pointed to me, to my speechless indignation), there is a face in which
truculence, mean cunning, and bloodthirstiness may be read as in a
book; observe the overhanging, knitted brow, the fierce eye, the
cruel mouth- I heard no more. With a yell of rage I dashed
through the apartments, precipitated myself downstairs, out into
the fog, and I am, sir, yours, &c., TBorHomus.
A SONG OF THE SEASON.
BID me with wine to fill the bowl,
And gladly I'll obey,
With Pommery, Dry Monopole,
Sauterne, Beaujolais, Rudesheim,
Johannisberg or Beaune,
With Sherry dry or Old Port prime,
One drink I bar alone.
Here's Liebfraumilch, Pommard, Cote d'Or,
Y'quem, Carte Blanche, Larose,
But ask me not for Water, for
The dratted pipes is froze.
CHRISTMAS IN THE FOG.
COlEBT. RETURNS rsom Ouit OWN STATISTICIA.
6,554,890 persons said, Did you ever see such a day in all your
945,227 persons said, Here's a jolly old Father Christmas for you,
old boy. What are you going to stand ? "
1,550 persons said, "Right you are, old man, here's your very
jolly good health an' a merry Christmas, an' a 'appy New Year to you
and all, and many on 'em."
1,870,000 persons took something to keep the fog out.
1,878,998 persons succeeded ir. Iryping the fog in
545 persons mistook the houses they were going to iine it, and
knocked at somebody else's door, and went and sat down to somebody
97 persons were thus ignominiously found out dining under false
9 persons were, under these circumstances, blandly escorted to the
door, and went home to bed.
85 persons were, under the like circumstances, received with open
arms, and became the bosom friends of the families into which they
3 gentlemen in the same situation sat down vis d vis to their tailors,
without either recognizing each other across the table.
382 persons.went to the wrong baker's for their dinners.
92,511 Christmas hampers remained undelivered, through the porters,
&c., being unable to find the way.
1,586 Christmas hampers were wrongly delivered, and 1,573 recipients
thereof can't think who on earth could have sent them.
145,789 persons took wrong trains or omnibuses, and didn't find it
out till the end of the journey.
2,896,433 persons took the right trains and omnibuses, and, arriving
at their own doors, were sure they had come wrong, and went away.
1 person found his way home without taking a single wrong turning,
or running up against anybody else, and, letting himself in with his
own key at 153, Fleet-street, went to bed and, slept the sleep of the
just till a decent hour the same morning. His name was Mr. Fux.
Oh, Snakes I
' LECTURING the other day upon snakes, Professor Huxley observed
S.that the reason there were no venomous reptiles in Ireland was prob-
s ablythe multiplicity of other plagues they had there. We can quite
f believe it, having personal experience here of some of the other
plagues." What with Home Rulers, Obstructionists, Fenians, Hyde
r Park demonstrations, &c., we feel very much like the man who hada
e friend's son sent to him to be out of the way- of an expected earth-
a quake, and who preferred the earthquake to the boy. We can say after
him, and0we dare say Ireland herself will echo us, "Take back your
plagues, and send down the serpents. '
JAN. 7, 1880.]
VAssTas have been the preparations for Christmastide, the great
popularity of the pieces running at some of the most important
theatres has rendered change unnecessary, so we still find at the
Lyceum The Merchant of Venice; St. James's, The Queen s ShNl'ing and
Tennyson's Falcon; Prince of Wales's, Ours; Court, The Old Love and
the New; Princess's, Drink; Criterion, Betsy; Royalty, Crutch and
Toothpick; Strand, Madame Favart; .and at the Opera Comique,
SH.K.S. Pinafore. Of the Christmas novelties first stands Covent
Garden, Sindbad the Sailor. Messrs. Gatti have been most lavish of their
means. Mr. Chas. Harris has managed to produce a wonderful show.
DaiUv LANsE.-Blue Beard, by'the Brothers Grinn, is produced
with great care by Mr. Augustus Harris. The' scenes by Telbin and
Emden are beautiful works of art.
OLYMPic.-The Hunchback Back -Again, -a burlesque on Sheridan
Knowles's play, The Hunchback, by F. C. Burnand, who.'has not lost
his chance of turning the old-favourite play into genuine fun; the
piece should have a long run.
THE GAIETY.-Gulliver, H. J. Byron, will raneas one .of the grandest
and most successful of this class of piece produced under the skilful
management of John Hollingshead.
VAUDEVILLE.-The Road to Ruin has'been producedd with a good all
round cast, and ought to hold its place for some time to come.
IMPERIAL.-Little Red Riding Hood and Little Boy Blue. The plots
of the two popular nursery favourites have been cleverly put together,
and serve as the basis on which is produced one of the most successful
pantomimes of the year.
THE SunnEY.-Aladdin. All the gorgeousness required for the full
development of an Arabian Night's Entertainment has been given to
this production. The Aladdin of Miss Topsy Venn is admirable.
NEW SADLEI'S WELLS.-The Forty Thieves has a most beautiful
transformation scene called the Fairy's Conservatory.
NATIONAL STANDARD.-Blue Beard Rewived, written and produced by
that talented manager, John Douglass, is well mounted and well acted.
Mr.'Aynesly Cook's:Blue Beard is-capital.
TAY BRIDGE; DECEMBER 28, 1879.
Ann words of use ? Of what avail,
With trembling lip and starting tear,
To linger o'er the awful tale
That sadly ends a bitter year ?
Think of the victims in that hour-
No eye to see, no hand to save-
Flung headlong to the fearful pow'r
Of howling wind and raging wave!
The horror of that wild descent !
?The darkness-where no aid could come-
We scarce can grasp its full extent,
'.And -Sorrow's self is stricken .dumb.
Wecean but pity those -*he ao'et
'The awful doom, arid caitly sleep,
And-those who knew'ak' lovtedthem, yet
Can only, helpless, aitasiidweep;
But ONE can help- the stricken down,
Or ease the hearts bya hguish.sway'd,
For this must be' our-eoaew's,'crown-
Our matter imptence'totaid.,
What can-we do ?- eo*aridiapart
'From Sorrow's path by us untrod-
'But pity them with aching heart,
And say,-" It is the hand of GOD !"
A CONTEMPORARY points out that the pretty practice of church
and house decoration at the present season is the source of no end of
misery to the feathered songsters," and if persisted in must end in
the loss of many English singing birds who mainly exist on berries.
We hope the caution will have its effect, as to deprive these helpless
little creatures of their sustenance will be berry brutal.
DOTS ;BY THE WAY.
.HAIL, GLiAD :NEW YEAR.
IHAi,. glad New Year! Come, blushing boy !
Your praise we will not sing,
But wish that days of gushing joy
Your fleeting reign may bring.
The rough wild year that now is past
In rage and storm went on,
With little calm, down to the last;
We're glad that it is gone.
We'll look to you for better things;
With plenty in your hand,
May commerce spread her glittering wings
Through all the busy land!
May want and hunger be no more,
But honest labour show
Its mighty power from shore to shore,
Its worth to high and low.
Hail, young New Year! Now, let us see
The bright and sunny day,
With flocks upon the grassy lea,
And fields of scented hay.
May ripening corn and orchard bloom
Delight the heart and eyes,
Then, if there comes nor storm nor gloom
W'll laud you to the skies.
But not airord of praise till then
Shallwe hold'forth to you,
For blighted hopes within' ourken
And promises untrue,
Will make us chary till we see
Whatisort of year you are,
How mu6h,'of joy'or misery
A FRIEND of ours-had-been'glttitigtpihis private band
of Christmas 'waits. It consisted of the drums of his
ears, some algebraical-oymbals, his daily Liberal organ,
and his own trumpet.
"'W.eEs8T 4S.l9:R CI-TEt."
Dr. SquHlls:--"YoU NEED NOT CRY, MY LITTLE'MAN, BECAUSE YOUR
SISTER HAS THE MEASLES ; 8HEE WILL 'SOON 'BE '-ETTER."
Practical Child:-"Boo-Hoo! I .AIN'T CRYING 'cos SHE'S .GOT"'EM; IT'S
, OS I MIGHT CATCH 'EM !
4 FUN. [JAN. 7, 1880.
THE MEAN CONDUCT OF BREAKABLES.
She was a very careful servant; but the china and glass behaved with such mean artfulness For instance, And next morning its remains would strew
her mistress would hold in her hand, one evening, a tea-pot in apparently sound condition: the carpet.
" Please, it's bin broken ever sit ce I come, mum," the servant would explain ; on'y it:'s ust have Then she would carry a tray piled with articles basely
bin mean enough to join itself up whenever you looked at it, jest to git me into trouble simulating soundness;
And within a minute the whole trayful would lie, mangled, at the foot of the
kitchen stair. "I've noticed 'emra-lyin' 'ere ever since rve bin 'ere
that injured servant would vainly explain.
"'Eard a crash, did Tyer, mum ? Yes, mum: that crash 'as bin a-'overing
about ever since I come. too, a-tryin' to git a poor gal into
trouble I" Very mean of that crash I
FUN.--JAN-- 7, 1880.o.
THE LAST LEGACY OF THE OLD YEAR.
JAx. 7, 1880.]
A VANISHED BLISS.
LOST in the lapse ot bygone-yearsa.'
The rapture held within it; -
Hid by a mist of pain and tears
Is that sweet minute.
It was in April, and the bliss
Of spring filled thrush and linnet,
When she and I took one warm kiss
In one sweet minute.
Housemaid and' coal-box broke the thread
(The Fates can ne'er rT- spin it)
That held our lips together wed
For that sweet minute !
SocraTY or BrTISea AnsIrs (Suffolk-street).-This society has
been steadily improving of late years, and the present exhibition
shows even a greater advance than usual. There is no picture of extra-
ordinary merit exhibited, but one cannot fail to observe what a quan-
tity of earnest, honest work hangs in the Gallery. Seymour Lucas
is very good in On the Track. H. Caffieri's bright, sunny land-
scapes are charming; but still more charming is the work of Stuart
Lloyd, whose delicate appreciation of nature, combined with solid
workmanship, is remarkable-the two qualities not often being found
in such a degree in the same man. Over the River, by B. G. Head, is
one of the best pictures in the Gallery, the study of the girl's pose and
arrangement of colour reminding, us of George Leslie's work, only
it is stronger and, to our taste, better. All admirers of character"
painting should see Jno. Burr's Incorrigible-an old-fashioned school-
master, cane in hand, leaning over his desk watching the dunce of the
school, who is seated below him, and is contemplating refreshing him-
self with an apple: Burr has a strong sense of humour. Mr. J. W. B.
Knight's picture, Taking the Lads' Boat Down the Tide, is another
remarka,.d work lull of beautiful colour and sentiment. Some of
the pictures that. impressed us were: Peaceful Old Age, W. J.
Wyllie; Ironing, W. H. Gadsby-a study equal almost to Millais;
Le Quillier (French peasants playing at ninepins); Yeend King-a little
too slick, perhaps, but awfally clever; Reconnoitring, A. W. Bayes-
very dramatic in treatment; Tending Cattle, A. G. Bell; Scared, J. R.
Reid; A Surrey Pastoral, Claude Hayes; A Spanish Girl, Archibald
Collins; The Sail-Loft, W. C. Symons; Caught, C. N. Kennedy. Of
the water-colours we regret we cannot speak so well; with the excep-
tion of half-a-dozen or so, they are not what they should be.
THE DUDLaY GALLERY.-This-exhibition of cabinet pictures in oil
is a great treat to lovers of art; it is also thoroughly well hung this
time. E. F. Brewtnall, always refined in feeling, is very happy in his
figure of a girl in a country garden, entitled Spring ; the fa oe is most
tender and delicate in expression and colour. Briton RiviLre's picture,
Cave Canem, will delight a section of the public equally well, though
in a different way, for the expression on the bull-pup, while not
partiularly tender, is most lifelike; but the pup's fore paws strike us
as-Being a trifle heavy, even for that breed. G. D. Leslie contributes
a very careful study of a Baekyard of a Manor JIuse in Wiltshire,
remarkable chiefly for its cleanliness. Miss Alice Havers, who is
deservedly getting very popular, is-well represented by the two clever
pictures,, The Spring and In the Heat of the Day Her landscape is
always good,,. and her figures thoroughly well drawn. One of the
pictures ,hat seems most attractive tothe visitors is by Van 0. Haanen ;
it is, entitled! A Siesta in Church, Venice. A girl is having a half-doze,
and& yawning in the most sleepy way ; the child sitting beside her is
wll painted and drawn. Strong, powerful colour permeates through-
out tihe whole work. Heywood Hardy, Robert Macbeth, Earnest
Waterlow, E. Buckman, H. Moore, J. O'Connor, W. Small, Colin
Hunter, and F. Barnard, are all to be seen to advantage; but Alma
T'Ifadbma. though always good, we do not think quite so satisfactory as
usual We are glad to see such a marked improvement in the class of
pictures exhibited here this year.
EFFECTS OF THE FROST.
THE unexpected severity with which the winter recently sot in has
not unnaturally disorganised our social system. In thousands of
instances has it given rise to a coldness between friends; the roads
suddenly became very hard towards their poor acquaintance; and our
usually docile beasts of burden turned out to be very slippery
It is rumoured that many bad weather-prophets have been pricked
to the heart by the freezing-point.
A number of idle University men have managed to get their degrees
registered-by thermometer, of course.
k,4 A speculator of Colney Hatch is still engaged on working out a
scheme for the purchase of the North Sea Fishing Fleet, since he
hears there is such a great demand for skates.
Silhouettes appear to be coming into fashion again; at least, hosts
of persons might have been lately seen cutting figures on the Serpen-
tine-and very remarkable figures too, some of them.
Soon after the frost began, a gentleman (with a pair of Acmes in his
pocket) came home late for dinner, and told his wife he had been
immersed in business. That nervous lady has not even yet been able to
understand how business could saturate his clothes so and give him a
Falls have been very frequent, both on the face and on the back ;
and-this goes without saying-numerous idiots have exhibited a
strong fellow-feeling for ice that was badly cracked.
MYRA has been giving her readers some details as to Winter Costumes
for Dogs. Kindly forethought for the inferior part of creation is so
highly commendable that the subject might well be enlarged upon.
Foi CATS.-Flowered-stuff gowns, with high waists, long sleeves,
and cut high in the throat; mob-caps, imitation-lace collars and
cuffs; grey worsted stockings and mittens.
Fox MONKEYS.-Red flannel petticoats, Princesse dresses of stout
merino, white ruffs, and high-heeled boots. Walking Dress:-Seal-
skin jacket and muff, spring-top gloves, and fur hat turned up on the
left side trimmed with artificial fruit or flowers.
FOR DOMESTIC FowLs.-Long cloth mantles, lined with ermine or
grey rabbit, woollen nightcaps, and goloshes.
FoR A PET DONKEY. -White shirt-front with one stud, black
swallow-tail coat, low-cut waistcoat of the same, black doeskin
breeches, and an opera-hat. Perhaps there would be nothing par-
ticularly novel in seeing a donkey in such an attire; but he would, at
any rate, feel comfortable and fit for any society.
Remarkable Instance of Instinct.
-A cuRious incident is reported by the Western Morning News.
According to this authority a steamship was lately crossing the
Equator, when early one morning she encountered an enormous shoal
of jelly-fish, extending for miles upon the surface of the ocean, and
completely arresting the vessel's progress. Some of the fish got into
the strainers of the condensers, blocking up the holes so that the
water could not enter, and the ship had to cease steaming. This
inconvenience occurred several days in succession, and is described by
our contemporary as a circumstance hardly to be credited. Our cook,
who has read the report, says she finds no difficulty in crediting it.
Nothing is more natural, she conceives, than that the jelly-fish should
get into the strainers. Her jelly always wants straining, she says,
and supposes it is the same everywhere.
8 F. [JAN. 7, 1880.
THE SKATING SEASON.-JOTTINGS AT HENDON.
a- Y .L Y 1' ..... I
Guaranteed against tumbles.
Against the wind. The amenities of "Hockey." With the wind.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL SEES THE HEW YEAR IN.
I HAVE always been a rare hand at seeing the old year out, sir, as
they call it, and wherever I may be, or however circumstanced, I
make a point of seeing the new one in with all possible conviviality.
Jealous detractors, indeed, have not hesitated to insinuate that I have,
in consequence of this, before now seen two new years in, but "like
that old dame of Devizes, whose feet were of different sizes," such
" impertinent hints I despises!"
Looking back through the years of an extra-specially eventful life,
I can recall, as you may imagine, a number of New Year Eves passed
under the most diversified circumstances. Ah me! how well I
remember seeing in that annus mirabilis, 1851, in the gun-room of
HL.M.S. Vulcan, then flag-ship on the Polar station, and drinking, or
rather sucking, a frozen lump of port-wine in its honour, in company
with the gallant vice-admiral of the Blue, then in command, whose
whiskers, I can recollect, were in such a stiffened condition that an
enterprising Yankee would have chipped them off and sold them to
the officers and men in sixpenny packets as toothpicks on the spot.
The very next year I chanced to be camping out at Tadmor-in-the-
desert when the 31st December came round, and I shall not soon forget
the excellent punch I brewed in a reserve pith helmet fortunately
found amongst the baggage. How vividly, too, comes back the New
Year's Eve of 1853, when, overtaken by an avalanche on the Bernese
Oberland, I was scented and dug out by a St. Bernard dog just in time
to hear the carillons of the nearest monastery ring forth a peal of wel-
come to the new-born year. Do not the good brethren till this very
day preserve a recollection of the rescued guest, who, as soon as he
was thawed a little, punched the Father Superior in the ribs and
advised him as a man and a brother to go and stop the bells, as the
" peal would all be wanted for the wassail bowl he, the revivified one,
intended to mix anon ?
Shall I go on and tell you'of New Year Eves passed in provincial
lock-ups, in the rumbles of family coaches, in the crater of Mount
Vestuvius, the lightship at the Nore, a silver hell at San Francisco ;
snowed up in Box Tunnel on the Great Western Railway; in the
wigwam of the Cherokee braves in the Far West; the cave of the
Obi man in the dismal swamp ; and with the head Brahmin (and a most
comical old cock he turned out to be, I can tell you, under the influ-
ence of the ginger wine I had smuggled in in the recesses of my
voluminous turban) in the Temple of the great Juggernaut on the left
bank of the mighty Hooghly ? Shall I tell you, I ask again, of New
Years seen in beneath the light of the Southern Cross, or the soft
beams of a Crim Tartarian moon; of-
[We intervene here to state that as a matter of fact our Extra-
Special devotes the better part of another column to detailing further
queries of a similarly discursive character, which, seeing they would
certainly be answered by us with a decided negative, we can see no
object in repeating. The master printer is therefore instructed to
leave out all copy from the words, blaze of the Aurora Borealis," to
the "Davy lamp of a Pollywhiddle miner."-Editor Fun.]
Dismissing these disjointed reveries of the past, sir, let me come
then to the New Year that has just dawned upon us, which I saw in
snugly ensconced in the bosom of my family. Wishing to impress the
fact realistically on the children, who are just the age for receiving im-
pressions, I arranged with an excellent utility" actor I know, now
out of an engagement, to make up as a typical kind of Father Time
(he shouldn't have used his wife's egg-boiler, by-the-bye, for his hour-
glass; it was too small to be effective), and to come with a tremendous
peal at our door-bell just as an alarum, bought by me for the purpose,
went off in the hall at midnight on New Year's Eve.
He came well up to time ; of course he was up to Time-you see, sir,
a little joke, en passant-and when the children rushed off and opened
the door, he really looked the character well (always barring that egg-
boiler), and even Mrs. Extra-Special, who was a kind of second cousin
of his twice removed before we made our last change of residence, did
not recognize him with his board and scythe. He carelessly left the
latter in the passage though, I regret to say, and our housemaid fell
over it and cut her fingers in the morning, and has done no work since.
But, as I was saying, all was going on excellently, and the little
ones, much impressed, were promising "Old Father Time" never to
be rude to their dear Pa again, or to pinch visitors' legs under the
dinner-table, and were going to sign a holly-bordered slate to that
effect, when unfortunately the sight of an immense Jack-in-the-box-
like apparatus (my own make), produced by Father Time from his cab,
and supposed to realistically represent the New Year, so terrified our
little Bobby that he went off in a kind of mild fit on the floorcloth.
This was enough for his mother, who, with needless energy, proceeded
JAw. 7, 1880.] FU N. 9
to reassure her pet by roughly removing Father Time's beard, and
telling him it was only that silly Mr. Billiter at his nonsense.
On this all the children naturally lost all their previous respect for
our visitor, and, in fact, began to dance round him, Yahing in the
most objectionable way, quite forgetting the serious promises they had
been making. The whole effect of my little scheme was, in short,
utterly spoiled by Mrs. E.-S.'s ill-advised haste, and, as a result, the
children, instead of being impressed thereby, have been more un-
manageable than ever since that night.
THE PERSEVERING OFFICER.
THE publican stood at his criminal bar,
And his ways were theme for grief,
For the wickedness done by the .party far
Exceeded the mind's belief.
He'd sell, with but little remorse or shame,.
Intoxicant liquors to' all who came,
And these would abet him by taking up,
And frequently draining, the deadly cup.
The demon of ruin, in all his might,
Pervaded that dreadful store,
Where drinkers would order a "three" outright-
Nay, even, at times, a "four !
You even might notice consumed by-some.
A-mixture of water and deadly rum ;
Ald one (it was whispered) might order here
As much as a pint of the liquid, beer.
But there was an eye in the street without
That filled with a dew-like drop:;
On noting that ruin was thereabout
And haunted that drinking shop;
'Tis patent to all but the denser few-
That this was the eye of policeman Q,
Who vowed that the publican, justly bann'd,
Should suffer defeat at his guileless hand.
And just at that moment a fairy flew
Direct to that self-same spot,
And offered her service to Constable Q
To further his goodly plot.
The virtuous constable scratched his head :
This profligate publican man," he said,
Is the teasingest party that ever I saw
For being resolved to obey the law I
If only you got him to once transgress
The law by a word or look,
I'd get him at once in a regular mess,
And crime would be brought to book ;
But there, he has never, as I can see,
Exceeded the law in the least degree ;
And daily, with tears in my eyes, I long
And watch for his doin' of something wrong.
His shifty depravity, marm, is such
He won't, for the sake of pelf,
Supply you a drop when you've 'ad too much,
(Not meaning, mum, you yourself) ;
It comes on an officer like a blight
To find that his measures are always right;
And the finishing stroke to a chap's despair
Is the thought that he never has gambling there !
" He shuts at the hour that the laws dictate,
And it renders my heart that sick,
That I've never contrived for to find him late-
No, not by a single tick ;
A sensitive officer's mind it sours
That he never has customers after hours,
Like some o' them publicans, which pretends
They ain't been a-paying, and calls 'em friends."
The sensitive officer's eye was dim,
And he covered his mournful face,
The fairy was deeply concerned for him,
As his was the hardest case.
She said, Have you followed the laudable plan
Of tempting this dreadfully sinful man
To breach of the law, by some artful feint ? "
And the officer said, "I'm afraid I ain't."
So she changed him at once, in a single jiff,
To the likeness of one distrest
By hunger and thirst, with his members stiff
From plodding and want of rest;
Then he tapped at the door of that child of crime,
Just after the regular closing time,
Describing himself as at fainting's brink
For want of a comforting drop to drink.
The publican, ever inclined to think-
(The habit of vice, 'tis said)-
Some snare was intended, refused the drink,
But'gave him- to eat instead.
The virtuous-offiber, filled with pain,
Slunk off' to'his -fairy ally again,
Whb'rapidly 'changed him, to serve their ends,
To the likenessiof one of the publican's friends..
The'-publican welcomed his seeming chum,
And handed the wine about;
But, soon as the regular hour had come,
Reluctantly bowed him out.
That constable'sbreast was a raging storm;
But, thanks to the fairy, he took the form
Of the publican's.wife, who had gone away
To see her relations and spend the day.
Though vice f r a-season had seemed in luck,
Now, happily, virtue gained,
For after prohibited hours had struck
The constable still remained.
And now, at a signal, he promptly rose,
Restored to his natural form and clo'es;
The publican sank in his base despond,
The fairy triumphantly waved her wand.
The magistrates never till then had seen
So shockingly gross and base,
Disgraceful, contemptible, flagrant, mean,
And bad and depraved a case;
The publican's license was here indorsed,
While he was imprisoned-beheaded-divorced,
The officer gaining unstinted praise
Because of his active, discerning ways.
Taking the Law into their own Hands.
h SERVING writs in Waterford is no sinecure.. On. Saturday a bailiff
who was engaged in that process suddenly found -himself shut up in a
room, the writ taken from him, and a red hot poker run through his
hat. It was with the greatest difficulty he escaped, and when he gained
the street he lost his senses, for he fell down insensible. We think the
emissary of the law should have remembered that this is the season of
pantomime, a fact which the Waterford people by their use of the red
hot poker are fully alive to. We have no doubt that the bailiff
"panted" somewhat, and we hope that in due -time, speakingpantd-
inimically, he was equal to a "rally."
[JAN. 7, 1880.
Old Prosy:-" WHAT I SAY IS THIS, DOCTOR: I APPROVE ENTIRELY OF FOXHUNTING AS A MANLY, HEALTH-GIVING,
amusement, BUT NOT AS A pursuit, siR! "
Irish Doctor:-" FAITH, YE'LL FIND MANNY T' AGREE WITH YE THERE. ESPECIALLY FOXES!"
YEAR OFF-YEAR ON.
SEVENTY-NINE has walked the plank,
But few will fret: though many weep
For those who~fell-and with him sank
To sleep in death, beneath the deep.
Eighteen-eighty He walks the dock,
His pennant, broad, unfurls on high,
Fearless is he of storm or wreck ;
Valiant is he to do or die."
Sov'n-nine !-his faults be on his head ;
Deeds and hopes dead, word and letter;
Keep the "look-out," and heave the lead,"
See if "Eighty" fathoms better.
Trifles Light as Ayr."
A raw trifling relics of Burns have been sold at Edinburgh for 21.
As a rule, people are only too glat to get rid of their blisters for
The word "opera was derived from the hop era of the ballet.
A DEEP OLD Fi L.-That of last year's Timnes.
A "Wick"-ed Opinion.
AN excited meeting at Wick has denounced the foreign policy of
the Government. This is not to be wondered at, for Wick is so
literally wrapped up in Greece" that the Ministry's neglect of that
country would naturally be strongly felt.
Is a diamond merchant always a jewel of a nman ?
Now Ready, the Thirty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
THIRTIETH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each,
Ready Shortly, Two Shillings and Sixpence,
Companion to THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By J. F. SULLIVAN.
INow Ready, Price One Shilling, by post, Is. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM. HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FRED. BARNARD.
iaun Office, Fleet-street, E.C.
CHADWICK'S CADBURY'S a
N1 SUPER QUALITIES.
DRAEWIR OR COCOA ESSENCE
S UP TANGLE TICKET. "IU B
TT NS CHADWICK'S, PURE-SOLUBLE-BEFESHING.
OM OTHER. CAUTION.-IfC.cthiwekn i.th, -, pri, th, addition f.,tarch, J
Printed by JUDD & '0 Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street E C.-London, January 7,1880.
JAN. 14, 1880.1 F U N 11
PIPES. ..... I ___ ',-_-
A IEEN eye for effect, -
Such as poets possess,- .. .
Can't in reason neglect j
The stern beauties that bless _,-/'_ _--- .
Lucky London, as soon as it freezes, and _, -- \_- -
the Water Rates calls to "inspect." ''
For the rime in the road
Sparkles so, you are fain
To accomplish an odo-
That's a rhyme in the brain; --
Though not always a sparkle in that place,
as my rivals have oftentimes crowed.
0 the various types
You could sign "J. Frost, pinx": '
Pictures perfect as Cuyp's,
Studies stupid as Jink's:- ,
To be brief, winter's witching and win- ,
some, if it weren't for the worry of
Pipes they prettily play -
(Men who're not pretty teach),
Through bucolies, all day,
In the shade of a beech,-
0 don't think I'm alluding to you, Pipes; ;
you were reeds that exalted our clay.
Pipes we puff o'er a joke,
Or a jorum (that's best),
Not of you, Pipes, I spoke,
Gentle givers of rest :
These are pipes I don't go in for puffing;
and their forte is not ending in smoke.
No; they're tubes that descend,
I imagine, as far
Down as Hades, and end
Somewhere near the North Star;
They're a wild web of zinc, and a tangle of
lead, which all days bend or rend.
First the gas it must sprout
From the cellar; the waste"
From the roof should stick out;
Then the cock must be cased;
And a party's required for a ball, or all
one's silver must go for a spout!
I must rise from the law
I anm reading, to wrap,
Say, a "main" up in straw,
Or to thaw out a tap;
Now, my law's far too dry for Maine
Liquor, and the one tap I like makes me
And if one and all burst,
As they one and all will,
If I happen to thirst,
As I may-I can still
Take my whisky without any water, if the
worst should quite come to the worst.
FLYING Fiss.-Skates. "GOOD TIMbH COMING BOYSH."
SAND banks may be shaky, but no Ardent-sj)irited Liberal:-" GoT A BIT O' 'BACCA TO GIV'SHUS, JAIMESI "
good can be got from a runupon them. James:-" No, I AIN'T; 'ARD TIMES, CAN'T AFFORD NO 'BACCA NOR NO DRINK."
Is it possible to have a knowledge of A. S. L. :-" 'ARD TIMSs 'ARD T1IMS An WAIT TILL GLADSTONE GETS IN, WAIT
acoustics which is not a sound know- TILL CHAMBERLAIN 'AYES HIS WVAYS,-THIEN WE HONEST 'ARD-WORKIN' MENS1 'ULL BE ABLE TO
ledge? GIT ENOUGH (hie) NECESSARIES O' LIFSH."
PICKED UP AT ST. THOMAS'S, ORCHARD-STREEr, An One-handed Official.
AT SmI J. BENEDICT'S WVEDDING. IN the slang of the class most likely to be affected by the institution
A "Benedict" has lost his "t," of a public prosecutor, the opinion is hazarded that not much effective
And Benedick" becomes; work will be done till the Government have a "pair of Mauleys with
His wife, though "Fortey" once was she, which to give crime and vice the Mauling" they deserve.
But "twenty-two" now sums.
Let's warmly hopo it may a happy union be, An Adamantine Note.
Of the suaviter in mode and the 1.ortey-ter in re. Mi. ADA) T, the Liberal Whip, it is said, has left London for Scotland.
If we were Adam we would journey vid Carlisle, and stop at "Eden"
A SPAxNisH RIVAL Fon SARA BERNrHARDT.-Sara-Gossa! en route.
VOL. XXXI.-NO. 766.
Mark you yon form? That half-averted head,
That quivering lip, those features twitched awry,
That heaving breast, those cheeks of flushing red,
The tear-drop glist'iing in each half-closed eye !
Mark well, I say. 'Tis Julia By degrees
She raises noW her face. My What a sneeze'. !
ROYA, AcA1sr.,-This exhibition of the works of old masters is a
fine collection, such as must delight the 16oet-s of Art as well as in-
strdet the Art student. The great attraction will doubtless be the
works of Holbein aid his school.
GROSVENOR GAObnMw.-These beatdifil rooms are filled with a
collection of water-coloins, many of which are by masters of the
Continental schools, but mostly by Biitish artists- of the present day.
In this it differs from the exhibition of last year, which was chiefly
composed of works by deceased artists. The east room is filled with
studies in black and white bymodern artists; among'the most remarkable
arCothose by Sir Frederick Leighton, E. B, Jones, and E. J. Poynter.
THE SocIETY or PAemTs IN WATER CoxoujSs.-A good exhibition,
without any one work standing out prominently. Among he most
charming of the figure pictures is Wtfinter, by E. F. Brewtnall-truly
refined in feeling and beautiful in- colour. Near to it a small painting,
The Camel which -Leads at Festival FPrt ions, Carl Haag, which, though
small, will rank as one of the most perfect works of this clever artist.
lDrawirg of St, MAark's, Venice, J. Ruskin, a sketch full of elaborate
detail, exqiiisite in colour. Landing Sardines, R. W. Macbeth-a power-
ful bit of water painting, though the figure is not so well drawn as we
should expect from this artist. Whitby is a fine example of A. Hunt.
The place of honour is given to a frame containing three drawings by
H.R.H. the Princess Louise, Marchioness of Lorne ; all are powerfully
and well drawn, strong and pure in colour. In these and other pictures
the Princess proves herself a clever and competent artist; and in
.Laril-a i r ... .' Indian Boatman, she shows a keen perception of
character. Of Mrs. Allingham's many contributions A Goat Carriage is
the most important, while On the Sands is the best; but all her work
is full of delicate and refined feeling. An Intruder is a good example
of E. K. Johnson; Girl Feeding Geese, the best of J. Parker's. Gipstes,
Sir John Gilbert, is a fine rich example of the master. Pomegranates,
J. W. North, is a delicious bit of colour. Though knowing well the diffi-
culties in bin.ving an exhibition, we can but feel it is hardly fair that
the thr. .iill pieces by one of the cleverest men in the society
should receive such bad treatment as is given to Mr." North's delicate
work. The Thrum on the Coquet, a fine example of B. Foster. Under
Cannon-street Bridge, one of the best of Miss Clara Montalba's clever
contributions. On the Cotswold Hills, R. Thorne Waite, a fine and
powerful bit of colour. Altogether the exhibition is an exceptionally
THE INSTITUTE or PAINTERS IN VATER COLorns.-A very good
exhibition. A Question of Date, Seymour Lucas, although rather hot
in tone, is a powerful bit of character painting. Greenwich Hospital, F.
Skill, a fine example, pure and simple in treatment. Going to Mar'et
G. Clausen, ,, r-..r, .1 ,-, 7 bit of work ; but the best contribution
by this artis;. I ,i Limpet Gatherers, W. Small, is a power-
[JAN. 14, 1880.
ful piece of work. Switzerland-The RFalls of the Rhine, and Sunday
Morning at Appenzel are two very clever pictures by W. L. Thomas.
One of the most interesting parts of the exhibition is a collection of
black and white drawings by T. W. Wilson, C. Green, W. Small,
J. Wolf, and others, many of which have been engraved and printed
in some of our most popular works and journals. Other good pictures
by Staniland, J. D. Linton, Holloway, Hine the older and Hine the
younger, Aumonier, Hargitt, Wimperis, Kilburne, and Orrock.
HOME RULE ABROAD.
PARNELL has arrived in New York,
Sing hey and all right;
His passage, though stormy, was quick,
Sing hey for his ship,
The Seythia floats like a cork,
Sing hey but despite,
We wonder if Charlie was sick,
Sing hey on his trip ?
The force of the wind was intense,
Sing hey we're afraid,
The fog and the cold were extreme,
Sing hey on the "Banks."
And now he's about to commence,
Sing hey and parade
His shilling Conventional scheme,
Sing hey to the Yanks !
Ie's going to beg, as he said,
Sing hey on the pier,
Some help in the cause of Home Rule,
Sing hey and to spot
The Yanks for a shilling a head,
Sing hey and it's clear
He takes Brother Sam for a fool,
Sing hey which he's not !
At home, when he got up to talk,
Sing hey! did he find
The pence didn't come in by twelves P?
Sing hey and the crew
Who'll flock to his side in New York,
Sing hey are inclin'd
To want all their shiners themselves,
Sing hey! which are few!
So when he discovers his job,
Sing hey is a frost,
His takings amounting to nix,
Sing hey he'll conduct
Him back like a spurious bob,
Sing hey to our cost,
Re-primed with obstructionist tricks,
Sing hey and obstruct;
But now he's away we're at rest
Sing hey and the bliss !
Yet soon he'll return to attack,
Sing hey us again.
The wish of the nation expressed,
Sing hey it is this-
We hope he may never come back,
Sing hey but remain !
Hansom is as Hansom Does.
AT the termination of the speeches made by the deputation of cab-
drivers to the Lord Mayor lately, his Lordship said, "he went with them
to a very great extent." We suppose Sir Francis going with cabmen
would necessitate his opinion being regarded as that of a rider."
Not Marrying in Haste.
THE Bishop of Manchester is about to be married, and a contem-
porary states that the courtship has extended over a quarter of a
century. If this be true it agrees with the impression that we have
always had of the worthy Dr. Frazer, viz., that a man of his exceptional
abilities was bound to be very much engaged."
Cumming it Strong!
THE World acknowledges 1 for the Cumming Annuity Fund."
We should think, seeing how long it is since the original appeal was
made, that it was time this annuity fund had come.
Shakespeare on the Muffin Nuisance.
SILENCE that dreadful bell."-Macbeth
J.AN. 14, 1880.]
"UNEASY LIaS THE HEaD THAT WARS A
EXTRACTS 3FnoM A ROYAL DIARY.
MONDAY.-Woke at 7. Imagined we saw mysterious figure glide
out of our chamber-must have been our fancy. Read correspondence ;
among same found missive engraved with skull and cross-bones, warn-
ing us that, unless we abdicated within a week, "we should see what
vwe should see." Devoted morning to consideration of schemes pro bono
public. Arreaged to attend concert for benefit of sufferers by recent in-
undations. En route to concert, narrowly missed ball from revolver.
Would-be assassin secured, but pardoned and released by our com-
mand. Received congratulations on escape and expressions of sym-
pathy from reigning brothers in all. quarters of globe. Deputations,
&e. Replied to same,
TUESDAY. Aroused by terrific explosion in a mine beneath our
palace. No clue to origin, beyond evidence of conspiracy. Received
congratulations, &c. Replied to same.
WEDNESDAY.-On waking, found manifesto of secret society on our
pillow, threatening us with death unless Republic declared to-morrow.
Papers discovered on our barber, implicating himn in design to cut our
throat while shaving us. Received congratulations, &8. Replied to
THURSDAY.-Nothing of note occurred, except diaeovery of infernal
machine in our wardrobe and quantity of dynamite in hinges of doors.
Received congratulations, &c. Replied to same.
FRIDAY.-Awakened by crash of bottle of Greek fire through window.
Coffee tasted peculiar, and, being analysed, found to contain enough
prussic acid to poison a regiment. Begin to understand sensations of
Louis XI. Received congratulations, &c. Replied to same.
SATURDAY.-Engaged writing congratulations to brother monarchs
on their escapes from assassination. Our noblest, most trusted and
honoured confidant having cracked a joke, touched his dagger when
asking if we saw the point. Arrested, and proved by papers found in
his house to be pledged to our murder. jt tbC' b wI! tecuvi,
congratulations, &c. Replied to same, and commanded our printer to
prepare forms of reply for daily use.
SUNDAY.-Learning to write with left hand, right having been dis-
abled by shot from pistol in street, where, a week ago, triumphal arch
erected in honour of our marriage. Devoting interval between thanks-
giving services to schemes for benefiting subjects, and reading and
replying to congratu-- !
"CAKES AND ALE."
THE cakes we cannot hare and eat
And sweeter grow as we refrain,
Until the pleasure, long denied,
And conquered longings cease to pain!
The nutabrown ale, with crown of foam,
And heart a warm and loving glow;
Where moderation rules and reigns,
Within the home sweet blossoms grow!
When we have both upon the board,
Around the table, love, life, song,
We pray to Time to stay his hand,
And fold awhile his pinions strong !
WHAT Ash wiaght not to need sauce ?-The John Dory, because it is
famous for its cheek.
A PETULANT PET.
ROSA'S heart feels sad and weary;
Percy tries in vain to guess
Why it is, when he comes near, he
Sees her shrink from his caress.
All the sunshine seems depqated,
That so brightly shed its ray
O'er the joyous and light-hearted
Girl he wooed but yesterday.
Flowers he culled for her so. rarly
Little tend to soothe her grief,
Fragrant and with dewdropN pearly
Glistening on each tender leaf.
Thus repulsed, he might have left her
Vexed, and reft of half his love,
Destined each, in dark hereafter,
Years of penitence to prove.
Happy chance Not so our lover :
Hoping still, he still remained,
Kissing off the tears that over
Those dear cheeks unceasing rained.
Till at last, when just despairing,
Rosa glanced at him and smiled;,
Oh all anger's worth the daring
If at last thus reconciled.
Sages, ye who deem it treason
To look downcast causelessly,
Know, the grief that baffles reason
Is the sadder ,that can be.
And, thou lover, vainly striving,
Some desponding maid to cheer,
She will not prove unforgiving
If your name be-Percy Vere.
A Light Jest.
IN the City Intelligence we note that $here was
recently a decided decline in gas shaM", 'We cannot
fancy people declining their shais as gas; we never
seem to get half ours.
A MONKEY'S PoLIWxos.--Jacko-bite.,
A FAC(T) SIMILE.
Customer:-" YES, BUT I WANT THEM A PAIR; PRECISELY SIMILAR, IN
Dealer:-" WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT, MY TEAR SIR, A REGULAR PACT
14 FTT-N. [JAN. 14, 1880.
THE CHRISTMAS-BOX MANIA.-SOME MORE APPLICANTS.
., .,: ., j I qT I= -. ,-,- '-' l FJ--- = /I[ -
'r t __ ___/ :-..- ,
" Will y' gimme Chrisbms box T Bin by your house regler-'-out two in r orn'n' "Y u'll givE us a trifle, eh! We've pinched you regularly for six months-look
-mutht 'ave heardd me-Graufd's-hloek." at your lovely corns; all our work."
An application from the three ladies next door, who practise the piano all day long
" Please, sir, 'ere's this dog says will you give 'is a Christmas bone, becos he's the dog as 'ows all night round the corner I
FI.UN'.--JAN. 14, 1880.
THE RIVAL CLOWNS: WAITING TO GO ON.
JAN. 14, 1880.] F U N 17
THE ROUND OF THE THEATRES.
ARRANGED ron ONE VOICE-Mn. FuN's.
I'm going for to sing a song (and open to your praise it is)
A very pretty song, indeed-it's all about the plays, it is ;
Now goodness gracious only knows his method of contriving it,
And goodness gracious can't explain how ever he's surviving it,
Or how he's run the gauntlet of the pathos and the fun of 'em,
But-only fancy !-Mr. FUN has been to ev'ry one of 'em!
Then sing a song of cabby,
With a tendency to swear,'
(Ejaculating "Shabby ")
At his proper legal fare ;
And sing a song of "swallow-tails" and chokers ".thatfare white,
And writing criticisms in the middle of the night.
Now, first of all, at Drury Lane, once more we find in esse Yokes;
There's Selim, or see-lim young chap, enacted by Miss Jessie Yokes;
While Fred appears as Blue-beard, a bashaw of legend gory, a
Pair who's much in love (like FUN) with pretty Miss Victoria;
Here Blue-beard's legs defiantly insult the anatomical-
You'll also find the elephant particularly comical.
So sing about a demon
Calling up a clever storm,
That Selim (who's a seaman)
May be getting of it warm;
And sing a song of Sister Anne, of stories ending right,"
Of dresses that are pretty, and of gagging at its height.
The best is Covent Garden, though-oneeasily detects it is-
Most liberal in gorgeousness and wonderful effects it is,
The sparkling Di'mond Valley, where the jewels all come trooping, is
A scene of dazzling splendour, and remarkable the grouping is;
Miss Leslie is vivacious, and there's fun in Herbert Campbell, too,;
And Master Lauri's monkey is a good one at a scramble, too.
Then sing a song (too boshy
To escape the critic's frown)
Of clap-trap wishy-washy,
All of Running England down" ;
And sing a song explaining how much better it would be
To leave it where they sing it, at the bottom of the sea.
And then we find the Forty Thieves, all stationed at "The Wells"
(In tourist suits or armour, most unconscionable swells they are)
Where Hassarack, Abdallah, work for plaudits (and attain 'em, too)
While Marie Longmore's Ganem shows a tendency to gain 'em, too,
(We, marry, long more frequently to see her dance and sing, we do)
And like the Irish jig of Morgiana (Katty King) we do.
Then sing of Little Nellie,"
Of precocity unique,
And Cassim Baba's sell, (he
Has a precious "narrow squeak");
And sing a song of scenery, and dresses you'll agree
Are worth the trip to Islington, and beautiful to see.
The Gaiety unfolds for us the journeyings of Gulliver,
Miss Vaughan playing Polly (and she doesn't make a mull-iv-'er !)
While Terry, Royce and Elton keep one laughing at their drollery,
(Their names are ample premises for drawing this corollary)
Miss Nelly Farren's Gulliver displays her known ability,
And Connie Gilchrist skips her part with custom-born agility,
Then sing a song of finish-
Ing without the comic scenes,
(Which don't at all diminish
Our delight by any means);
And sing about an elephant, and laughing half the night
At badly dispositioned logs that disagree and fight!
And next we note Red Riding Hood performed at the Imperial,
(And Mr. Brough's assistance to its humour is material)
The Douglass Brothers (Standard) have with Blue-beard made their
mark, they have,
With Beauty and the Beast they've scored a ditto" at the Park,
While Sangers show Aladdin and the Forty Thieves (combining 'em).
(In wonderful processions there are few will be outshining 'em.)
So sing a song to fan yer
With the gentle pow'r of love,
As performed at the Britann-yer,
With The Shepherd's Star above ;
And sing a song of Marra-bun and Cinderella,-quick !
And also Blhff King Hal and Herne the Hunter at the Vie."
That finishes the pantomimes. And now we find it true, you know,
That those who go to Court mayfind The Old Love and the New, you know,
The Duke's with that New Babylon proves fortune can't all fickle be;
And then there's the Adelphi with well-cast and mounted Nickle-be;
And while the Prince of Wales's Ours stands where it's often bin afore,
The Opera Comique still displays a night and morning Pinafore ;
Then sing a song of Toothpick,
Supplemented by a Crutch,
(New Royalty, where youth pick,
Some amusement out of such "),
And sing a song that yesterday withdrawn it was I see,
In favour of a play called Midge and clever Jennie Lee.
Lyceum-business good with Shakespeare's Mferchat (that's the
Venice 'un) ;
St. James's has a falcon flight by Mr. Alfred Tennyson.
It also seems the managers must have a lot of drilling there,
For ev'ry night to hundreds they are giving the Queen's Shilling there,'
And Fame is with the Vaudeville where, spite of each conventicle,
They find the Road to Ruin and to Fortune are identical.
And sing a song with Bravar,"
And with clapping of the hand,
Concerning Madame Favart,
As enacted at the Strand.
And sing a song of rapture as you hear Miss St. John sing-
She's full of art, although she says she is an artless thing."
And then we've Rethomnago's Magic Watch at the Alhambera
To find bUtter mounted piece you'd search from here to Flambera ;
And Rignold at the Connaught plays-we're ready to depone he does-
Surrounded by his company you'll find he plays Alone," he does,
You may not care for Susan but whatever your distresses is
There's something in the knowledge that there Drink at the
Then sing a song of Barry,
With the Christian name of Shiel,
Who draws and makes us tarry
Where Les Clochee de Corneville peal.
And sing of twice three-hundred nights of ringing with a will,
Appealing to the public and they are a-pealing still.
Olympic-shows a manager with Gaiety attack again,
Who says, We've Such a Good Man that we give The Hunchback Bao k
The cast at the Criterion proves manager's sagacity-
The "Betsy" of Miss Venn displays rare art and bright vivacity-
And finally there's Byron, who's enrolled on Folly's books, you know,
And, though he's king of Folly, shows Hoe's not the Fool he Looks,
Then sing a song with shouting,
And with energy of voice-
You'll notice, I'm not doubting,
You've an amplitude of choice;
And sing a song that anyone is difficult to please
Who cannot suit his taste from plays as various as these.
[JAN. 14, 1880.
S^ / .
A SHARP CHICK.
Lady Examiner :-" TELL ME, WHAT IS AN AVERAGE ?"
Child:-" A THING TO LAY EGGS ON. MOTHER SAYS OUR OLD HEN LAYS
SIX EGGS A WEEK on an average."
Is it true that I'm ever behind ?
In my ears the impatient ones din it,
That always I ask if they'd mind
Just to sit down and wait-half a minute.
In vain I essay for a prize,
Some other chap's certain to win it;
I break down in each of my tries ;
I'd succeed-if they'd wait half a minute.
A race t'other day I'd have won
If I'd been there in time to begin it;
They laughed, as they started to run,
When I asked them to wait half a minute.
Let this be my epitaph, pray,
And on to my coffin-lid pin it,
"A failure he died one fine day,
Because-no one would wait half a minute."
I'll now make an end of my rhyme,
But I fear, truth to tell, there's nought in it,
I'd polish it up if I'd time-
Will you wait for me, please, half a minute ?
A Medison- Man.
IT is reported that Mr. Edison, the indefatigable
American inventor, has just discovered a combination
of chemicals which he calls "polyform," by means of
which he has been completely successful in curing
rheumatic and neuralgic affections. If indeed he is
thus able to heal us of our bodily infirmities, the best
thing Edison can do is to change his name at once to
Mledison, and act accordingly.
Mr. Adam's "Ant."
THE Liberal Whip is said to have set his face sternly
against all candidates who threaten to split the Liberal
interest in a borough. In fact they find him more
than "Adam" on this subject, he is Adam-ant."
A SUCCESSFUL banker deserves great credit, since from
the time he commenced business he has constantly been
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GIVES A CHILDREN'S PARTY.
IT was the publication in one of your sixpenny contemporaries, sir,
of a number of programmes setting forth the various ways in which a
gathering of juvenile visitors could be amused during a long evening,
that induced me to give a children's party. It is so simple, dear,"
pleaded the partner of my bosom, pointing to the prize programme ;
and it was simple, sir-of me, I mean-to give way to her temptations
and hand over the semi-detached villa I once called my home, for six
long hours to a score of the rudest, unruliest, spitefullest, fretfullest-
but I anticipate.
"Let the little darlings on arriving," it ran in the prize pro-
gramme aforesaid, "have a short improvised spell of that fine old
English game, Blind Alan's Buff,' in the drawing-room-it will
serve to break the ice and to make your guests more sociable when
they sit down to tea, say at 5.30."
Well, sir, I followed this advice, and started off with the pastime
referred to. In less than ten minutes, when two little treasures, each
an only child of its respective parents, had been picked off the fire,
and put to bed in my own room, whilst arrangements for reclothing
them were being carried out, and the shattered chimney ornaments
and lighter pieces of furniture had been collected and carried out by
basketfuls like that iniquitous Jewish Queen the undergraduate wrote
about, I was convinced that the improvised spell" of the fine old
English game was a lamentable mistake. Break the ice it may, but
as it breaks your furniture and china as well, that is a questionable
Tea passed off with comparative quiet, for the most noisy and mis-
chievous of the small boys present, Master Tully by name, was put
temporarily hors de combat at an early stage of the meal by some kind
of convulsions brought on by his wicked endeavours to terrify little
Miss Nankyvill by wagging his ears at her whilst his mouth was full
of plum-jam and muffin; comparative quiet, therefore, reigned, I
repeat, after he was removed, kicking the while, from the table,
though with the usual elasticity of youth-naughty youth especially-
he recovered only too rapidly, and in less than an hour he was again
amongst us, having crawled downstairs into the darkened hall and
deliberately run a shawl-pin into the calf of the Punch-and-Judy man,
then performing (as per programme). On this, with a howl of anguish,
the poor man swallowed his call," and fell, show and all, headlong
amongst his tender audience. Poor little Miss Nankyvill, who, to
begin with, had come with her dear little feet all over broken chil-
blains, was dug out from underneath the fallen Codlin and his ruined
Temple of the Drama more dead than alive, and, on coming to herself,
strange to say, sobbed bitterly for the "bogey which had appeared
to Punch just ere he toppled over, and only consented to go to bed in
the spare room, whilst her mamma was sent for, on condition that she
was allowed to cuddle the "bogey aforesaid.
The Punch-and-Judy man was not so easily satisfied; in fact, he is
not satisfied yet, and is even as I write waiting to see me in the
passage, his contention being that his dramatic voice-or rather
voices, for he sustained all the parts in his drama-were utterly ruined
by his unlucky swallowing of the "call," to say nothing of his
equally positive assertion that a long piece of the shawl-pin broke off
in his leg, and is now meandering most erratically about his system,
like a dinner-pill gone wrong, as he graphically puts it.
But I am digressing, and goodness knows I should not do that with
five-and-twenty youngsters, raised to a frantic state of excitement by
the collapse of Punch's show, assembled in the back parlour for the
conjuror, who, still keeping to the programme, was due at 7.45.
Better, alas! that he had never come; for when, ten minutes late, he
began his entertainment by producing two live rabbits and a
" property cabbage or two from his hat, an intelligent and hitherto
quiet little boy, prompted, I believe, by the impish Tommy Tully,
shouted out, Yah, I saw you slip the things in from under the table "
and with the same gave a tug at the leg of that same carefully-
prepared piece, of furniture, the result being that two bowls of fish,
half-a-dozen stale eggs, several dozen cracker bon-bons, a loaf of
bread, a guinea-pig, and numerous other articles were prematurely
disclosed and upset upon the floor, causing the prestidigitateur, a mild
JAN. 14, 1880.] F U N 19
foreigner with weak sight, to lose his temper and fall to cuffing the
only boys within reach, who, of course, happened to be the two young
Munns's and Master Rawson-three youths who by their exemplary
behaviour had done much to keep the others in order.
Thus unrighteously assaulted, however, they at once went over to
the Tullyites, and, having pelted the parlour wizard with his own
goldfish (our housemaid found one fat one still gasping the next
morning, with its tail in a bottle of red ink), they all armed themselves
with walking-sticks and proceeded, in spite of my entreaties to play
rounders in the front passage with the magician's eggs.
Over the remainder of the evening I had better draw a veil, only
remarking that when Mrs. Nankyvill arrived in a cab to take home
her child she was for nearly twenty minutes denied admittance by that
young rascal Tully and his band, who had barricaded the front door
and shut up all the little girls, who refused to be rough and rude, in
the boot cupboard under the stairs, where one of the captives, I have
since heard, gave the measles to eleven others.
How I got rid of my troublesome guests I eally cis scarcely say,
nor do I yet fully know the sum of the mischief they have done; but
this I can say without any doubt or difficulty, that I will never, if I
can possibly.avoid it, give a children' patty agaifin.
A Maw YEAR's Evf Mdidid@tHr
THIs present year (to my delight)
Will gracefully retire to-night;
It means to go,
At twelve or so,
If rumour's not deceiving.
NoW common prudence urges me
To keep awake till twelve, and see
No shade of doubt
His actually leaving.
I've cogent reasons of my own
To with the aged party flown;
I'm not inclin'd
For any kind
Of trickery concerning
His going: he may entertain
Some sly design within his brain
Of going, say,
A little way,
And privately returning.
For I've decided to arrange
The most complete and thorougho.hange
In all affairs
Which cause me cares, j
Regrets or irritation;
They are, in short, to disappear
'Entirely with the present year:
I set my-face
Of their continuation.
I've put the matter through the test
Of patient thought, and find it best
That any com-
Or ills originated
By, any fault, mistake, or crime
Achieved by me at any time
Should fade from sight
At twelve to-night,
And be annihilated.
No more shall people taunt me with
That injury I did to Smith,
Which sapped by stealth
The little wealth
For which he'd gamely striven;
When next we meet, I will be gay
As if the theme were swept away
And, boldly bland,
I'll grasp his hand,
And all shall be forgiven.
I won't be saddled with a crowf
Of that amount I've owed to Brown
Five years about;:
rIl. stle it out
With other ill I'm'aweeding .
And should he, seesktogan his A
By county coufj I *wl f l ndi
B ny afty thnce,
To any 'such proceeding.
The ttkesalten shall know the sum
Of miy resolve fnet time they cori,
While rates," in turn,
Shall lilrto learn
My aeW dedlitftn, chafing;
Aid, ,tihetr, wifts of any kind,
AA warrants, too, shall fail to fiLa
The least' support
Of any sort,
At least of my vouchsafing.
The.bells New Year's begun hisreign-
And what's that knock, Matilda Jane?
Oh, ah !-police
About that piece
Of crime I perpetrated.
Matilda, tell them I've resolved
No more to hold myself involved;
They've come too late;
They needn't wait-
The thing's obliterated.
OVE EARD IN THE SMOKING-ROOM AT THE
FIRST GENT. And so the Lord Chamberlain refused to pass
Tennyson's little piece for this house, eh ?
SECOND GENT. Really ? Why was that?
FIRST GENT. Said he'd nothing to do with it, don't you mknow ?
No jurisdiction, and all that sort of thing.
SECOND GENT. Who had, then ?
FInST GENT. Well, I'm told in confidence-(don't let this go
further, old man !)-that before the Falcon could be played here, Mr.
Hare had to go to the Inland Revenue people, and-
SECOND GENT. And what ?
FIST GENT. And take out a hawker's license. *[Lwft a sold again."
MR. GLADSTONE has been presented by the en ly&h of the Holy-
rood hat works with a silk hat, and in accepting the gift said, When
I found it fit me so exceedingly well, I was sorry to think how much
trouble you must have had, without the usual facilities, in meeting the
ease of my head." This is evidently an unconscious funnyism, as the
,case of a person's head is without doubt his hat, but from Mr.
Gladstone's own statement it seems that he has a peculiar head."
We have always considered that the honourable gentleman has a
singularly long head, but anyhow he would be bound to require a large
.hat, as he is always recognized as the head. of an immense Liberal
Blow for Slow.
A conaEsPONENT5 of the Telegraph points out a new street danger
which is occasioned by the advertising boards exposed outside shop-
doors not being secured. During the recent gale the complainant
received so violent a blow from one that he expects to be laid up for
some days. We should have thought that the 'parties whose negli-
gence caused the accident would be held responsible, but the injured
one seems to doubt it. We know that if we were stmok, as he was,
on the leg we should kick up (if we were able) a shin-dy.
AN excited plate-layer on a recent pay day objected to being made a
waiter for his wages.
20 IF U TN [JAN. 14,, i80..
IL I-- 7- =_-=
Groom:-" WHAT 'UD YOUR PLACE BE WUTH, BILL, IF YOU WAS TO GRUM MY LADY'S 'ORSE LIKE SHE GRUrs L'ib OWN 'AT?"
QUESTIONS ON ETYMOLOGY. If the centre of a target is the bull's eye, in what part of it would
you look for a cow's tail or a pig's cheek ?
IF a man who makes puns is a punster, is a good cricketer who Are the roots of words connected with the tree of knowledge ?
scores a lot of runs a runster ? How much is the Syn-tax in the pound ?
A man who drinks too much strong waters is a drunkard, but is an Does the presence of E mute in so many English words imply that
over-fed alderman an eathard? the she's are loquacious ?
A military person is a sol-dier, though what he has to do with the
sun is not clear. By the same rule might not a minstrel who apostro- WAR GAMES FOR ALDERSHOT.-Water-loo and Gin nap (Genappe).
phises the moon be termed a luna-dear ?
If a song of praise -is a hymn, is any, and what, description of vocal
melody a her ? Now Ready, the Thirty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
If a place where you keep bees is an apiary, what to goodness do THIRTIETH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
you call the monkey-house at theZoo ? Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. Gd. each.
A man who works in wood is a carp-enter, but can any Waltonian Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each,
suggest what trades would be understood by the terms roach-enter or
bream-enter? Now Ready, Two Shillings and Sixpence,
A rich sweet fruit is a rasp-berry, but what is a file-berry? Or Companion to "THE BRITISH WORKING MALN,"
would the latter term apply to a green gooseberry ? But, then, why THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
is there'no such thing as a swanberry?
If a weak-minded male party is a milksop, is a strong-minded By J. F. SULLIVAN.
female a beer-sop, or what? Now Ready, One Shilling, by post, Is. 2d.,
A hoydenish young lady is commonly called a tomboy? Should not LFE IN L O D GINGS BY TOM H OOD.
an effeminate youth be stigmatised as a poll-girl ? LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
A lexicon is a dictionary, well and good. But can a tradesman's OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FRED. BARNARD.
ledger be correctly denominated a billtionary ? Fun Office, Fleet-street, B.C.
BRILLIANT! CLEANII NO DUST! flf r
PFor Ezoelloe of OFr Oluliu |l I-
Quality. COLD MEDAL ua. UUU.
Sold by Grocers *a OamenO Tr-wh
SAMSold by GocOrs and OmeI UaiTIh PURE-SOLUBLE--REFREiSHING. The rP.. neither neatch en the paper mor purt tth. mk, thi
E.JAES& SONS, 80LE'AKER8, BROUTH. I-cAvrijx-,fc.....tae i.< O.A.g.a we.. t ....,e tt.. 'tlp'.tWor. ^:t:oagarra
Printed by JUDD & qO Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Prjpzietors) at 153, Fleet Street E.C.-London, January 14, 1880.
-JANT. 21, 1880.]
THE BLIND FIDDLER.
Jess:-" IT'S A WONDER HOO HE CAN SEE TAE DO 'T, AND HIM STONE JLIN' "
JoCk:-" HE DISNA NEED TAE SEE 'T, LASS HE HEARS 'T WI' HIS FINGERS!
THE SUMMARY JURISDICTION ACT, 1879.
"As this is the first time you have been brought before me," said
the magistrate, making a joke (omitted), "I feel inclined to deal
leniently with you. I therefore fine you ten shillings for being
found drunk and incapable; or, in default of payment, I sentence you
to seven days' imprisonment. Now, tell me, can you pay the fine ?"
Well," replied the culprit, threepencee ha'penny in coppers is
all my available capital at present; and, really, if I had not been
taken up when I was, I don't suppose I should have that."
"Have you any goods on which distress can be levied to the
Oh, yes, your worship. My sumptuously furnished apartments
present a deal table-faulty, a Windsor chair-ditto, a truckle-bed, a
coal-scuttle-empty, six feet of carpet-frayed, and what's left of a
cake of yellow soap."
"Very good," said the magistrate, "you will be detained until
distress can be levied, and the fine defrayed. Next case."
The prisoner was then removed, and in due course the officer of the
Court, armed with the warrant, proceeded in legal form (legal
form means slowly) to levy; but having several similar bits of
business to transact-it was after a Bank holiday-he didn't get
through them till the afternoon of the next day. He then went to
the broker (sworn), but that gentleman being, as usual, of the Hebrew
persuasion, inconveniently began his Sabbath that day at sundown,
and conscientiously declined to do any business whatever till the next
day at the same hour, which, being Saturday evening, precluded the
goods from being removed till the Monday. Monday at length
arriving, the goods were taken away to the auction rooms as speedily
as possible and put into the next day's sale, but, being among the
high numbers in the catalogue, were not disposed of till late in
the afternoon. No money, of course, could be paid out till the
accounts were made up on Wednesday. The broker received the cash
in the course of the morning, but the officer of the Court was not able
to get round to him and back again in legal form till after the time
for closing the Court, so the amount of the fine couldn't be paid in till
it re-opened on the Thursday. Then the prisoner was let out. When
he came out and arrived home he found his goods gone, so he went
to the Court and interviewed the magistrate.
".Your worship," he remarked, didn't you fine me ten shillings,
or, in default of payment, sentence me to seven days' imprisonment ?"
Yes," answered his worship, making a joke (omitted).
Well, it strikes me I've paid the fine and been locked up the seven
days as well."
"Ho! ho! he !" roared the beak. "That is the effect of the
Summary Jurisdiction Act, 1879. Ho! ho ho !"
Is that another magisterial joke?" ventured the ex-prisoner.
Stand down, sir."
"Blow the Summary Jurisdiction Act, 1879," he said, and he
A Parr-off Prospect "Near at Hand."
THE last job of the Government is their worst. In fact, in appointing
Sir Bridges Hennikerto the Registrar-Generalship they go as "Fanrr,"
we think, as it is possible to go in the direction of nepotism. But the
country will not forget to repay them for their misdeeds; and without
going "Farr-ther," they will undoubtedly find that they will fare
very badly, though not worse than they deserve.
0 Mihi et Mr. Martin!
THE Liberals have brought forward Mr. Martin, the banker, as
a candidate for the City of London. Well, as a Martin he ought to be
able to swallow his rivals, and as a banker to cheque any force
they may bring against him. It is well he is not a soldier, though, or
he would probably be a Martinet."
KING's Cross shouted our conductor as our omnibus pulled up
during one of the recent series of showers. "And small blame to his
royal majesty," remarked a passenger, whose nationality remained no
longer doubtful; 'deed, then, it's annybody'd be cross, bedad,
with the weather we're having now entirelyy"
VOL. xxxI.--No. 767.
[JAw. 21, 1880.
THE BEAUTY OF SELF-SACRIFICE.
IN Two EXAMPLES (A LONG WAT) rFOM THE LIFE.
I.-THE MEDICAL OFFICER.
SCENE.--A Workhouse. The Medical Officer going through his daily in-
spection of the inmates. He positively weeps with mingled pride and
affection as he gazes upon them.
THE MEDICAL OFFICER.-
Cherished paupers! Sweet reflection-
Each regarded as a son !
Overflowing with affection
I embrace ye, one by one.
As I have abundant leisure-
(All my leisure is for you)-
I would fain prolong the pleasure
Of this joyful interview.
(Embracing .a pauper.) As thy head this bosom presses,
0, my pauper-O, my prize,
Let me gauge the deep recesses
Of thy well-beloved eyes.
Why, these eyes are dim and weary-
Dim as from some vigil kept-
Tell me, tell me, pauper deary,
Art thou troubled ? Hast thou slept ?
(Choosing a second.) 0, misfortune Here's another
Weak and thin-how sad to see:
Pauper, I will be a mother,
Father, sister, son, to thee.
(With lingering farewells and many sobs he tears himself away from
the paupers for a brief interval and seeks the Master of the Workhouse.)
When the good purveyor, Master,
Brings my paupers their supplies.
Bring me word thereof, and, faster
Than the lark, I will arise,
Though it be in early morning
Ere Aurora tips the east,
Self-indulgence ever scorning.
Never growling in the least.
Let no article provided
Ever be considered fit
For the poor, till I've decided
On the point by tasting it.
Thus if there be any question
Touching aught that might impair
Constitution or digestion,
Shall the harm be mine to bear.
Rather in this frame commingle
Tortures that exceed belief,
father, rather than a single
Pauper shall be brought to grief!
(The supplies arrive. The Medical Officer examines them in painful
Ha this flour! I greatly fear it-
'Tis impure as it can be;
Let no pauper come near it:
Put this flour aside for nme.
Then this bread is black and gritty-
Partly cinders, partly dough:
I will eat it-it were pity
Paupers' teeth should suffer so.
This imported meat is tainted,
Noxious as it well can be;
Let no pauper be acquainted
With it-put it by for ME.
Take this gold : by prudence guided,
I have saved it for these ends-
Buy the richest meats provided
By the markets, for our friends.
(Enter the Nunsas.)
THE NunsEs.-Let us add our little savings
To promote this good device;
For our gastronomic cravings
Tainted meats shall well suffice.
(The Master goes out on his errand, then returns with rich and wholesome
meats, which are set before the paupers, while the Medical Officer and the
nursess sit down to partake of the deleterious provisions,)
THE MEDICAL OrriCEn AeD NURSEs (rapturously).-
How the paupers' jubilation
Fills us with ecstatic thrill!
Ha The taint! Adulteration !-
We are very, .very ill!
Joy For, serving as a buffer
To protect the paupers' health,
Oh, we would not cease to suffer
For the most unbounded wealth!
(The Doctor and Nurses sink, fainting, upon the floor ; while the pre-
served paupers shed a grateful and regretful tear over them.)
II.-THE BANK CREDITOR.
ScENE.-Not far from Glasgow. A Bank Creditor discovered agitatedly
reading a newspaper.
THE BANK CREDITOR. What's this ? The liquidators now propose
To make a call upon the shareholders
Of twenty thousand pounds per hundred share;
It being understood that by this course
The creditors may all be paid in full."
O cruel, monstrous and unheard-of scheme!
Can these inhuman liquidators think
That any creditor (however rigid
In the exacting of his lawful rights
At other times) would hear one word of this ?
Lives there the creditor so hard of heart
That he would touch one penny of his due,
If, touching it, he caused one single pang
To any shareholder ? How would he dare-
That creditor-to lift his head again
Having the knowledge that, in paying him,
The holder of a share must rob himself
Of his havanna even, or his "nip ?
I say that creditor, with very shame
And sharp remorse, would know no wink of sleep,
But wring his hands, turn from his roll at breakfast,.
Take wormwood, and refuse to wash himself !
Oh, but these liquidators-(men whose bosoms
Are steeled to kindly pity, as it seems!)-
Know little of the generosity,
The self-ignoring, kindly sympathy,
Which is the very breath of creditors-
These liquidators wrong us cruelly !
CHORUS OF INJURED CREDITORS ALL AROUND.
These liquidators do us cruel wrong !
THE CREDITOR. There is a matter of five thousand pounds
Now justly due to me from this same bank ;
I'll not accept one doit of all this sum ;
Nay, I will hasten to these liquidators,
Tell them my resolution-cast, indignant,
Their heartless scheme into their very teeth,
And chide them for their inhumanity.
Cuon s (as before). This bank doth owe to each of us a sum
Greater or smaller; we will all repair
In breathless haste to tell these liquidators
How we would shame to take one single penny.
(The Creditor departs to seek the liquidators; then returns.)
THE CREDITOR. Oh, heavy tidings In the last half hour
The fortune which was mine hath gone from me;
Each speculation I embarked upon
Hath failed, and henceforth ruin dwells with me,
Seeing that not tie sintle copper doth
Remain to buy me bread. 'Tis true I might,
By taking that five thousand which the bank
Did owe to me, contrive to-Get thee hence,
Thou base suggestion, born of selfishness !
Be mine, starvation Let me gaze upon
This vision-it doth more than solace ate !
(A transparency appears, revealing the Shareholder saved from ruin, and
revelling in the bosom of his family, and surrounded by his little
luxuries. A look of ineffable joy lights up the features of the Creditor,
who cheerfully proceeds to the workhouse.)
CHORUS OF OTHER CREDITORS. He doth but act as fits a creditor,
And each of us would joy to do the same.
Feed the Hungry,.
WE call attention to the fact that the London Cottage Mission"
-which gives its periodical "Irish Stew Dinners" to thousands
of children amongst the poorest of the poor-is so badly off for funds
that its operations must cease if its coffers are not soon replenished.
We sincerely hope that an institution doing such good and benevolent
work will be encouraged by the liberal and timely help of a sympa-
thising public. Contributions may be sent to Mir. Austin, 14, Finsbury-
circus. Give give !
Grin and Bear it.
WHEN Shakespeare, referring to "the slings and arrows of outra-
geous fortune," says we may "by opposing end them," his philosophy
is for once somewhat at fault, for of course you end-ure troubles if you
bear them uncomplainingly.
Is it allowable to call the tire of a wheel its'fatigue jacket ?
FRtESH WORK FOR PHILANTHROPISTS.
SOCrETY for the Conversion of Polygamous Plants.
Asylum for Penitent Punsters.
Invalided Colonial Bishops' Fund.-Contributions urgently re-
quested, owing to the number of applicants, and their chronic need of
Working Men's Three Days a Week Rest Association.
Priests' Penitentiary.-For the reformation of young curates who
have lost their character for common sense.
Society for the Suppression of Bores.
Society for Improving the Language of the Labouring Classes.
Home for Mature Orphans.-For the comfortable support of father-
less and motherless children above the ago of 40.
Hospital for Hobble-de-hoys-To carry out Mr. Carlyle's humane
suggestion that youths from the ago of 19 should be covered under
Free Drinking Association.
Upper Ton Mission.-For visiting the aristocracy at their houses,
distributing tracts among them, and assembling them, at mothers'
meetings and otherwise, for instruction.
Universal Loan Society.-Sums from five shillings to five pounds
advanced, without interest, on personal security, to any persons in
want of the same. No inquiries.
Domestic Servants' Liberation Society.-To free them from the
degrading necessity of doing any work whatsoever for their wages.
Mission to the Aged Fallen.-For picking up old ladies and gentle-
men in frosty weather.
Costermongers' House of Rest.-To supply a place of retreat and
refreshment to street sellers of all denominations, when weary, like
their clerical brethren, of their avocation.
WHEN are flowers out of breath ?-When they are fully blown.
DOTS BY THE WAY.
YOUNG Eighty, what is this you mean ?
You look so sad, so dark and glum,
Through blinding fog no light is seen;-
Come, rouse yourself, my little chum.
We grope about like midnight ghost,
We cannot tell our friend from foe :
We stumble up against each post :
This sort of thing won't do, you know.
Will you not take a lesson by
The dismal year that's passed away,
When all the light that's in the sky
Was blurred with soot and misty grey ?
To you we look for better things
Than Seventy-nine's bespattered ways;
Let Commnerce spread her golden wings,
And work fill up bright sunny days.
Let laughing faces round the fire
Tell out of happy hearts and home,-
Lift draggled misery from the mire,
For war let peace and plenty come;
But whatsoever course you take
To make your niche with glory shine,
We beg, dear boy, for goodness' sake,
Don't imitate old Sev'nty-nine.
Two Princely Anchorites.
IT is too true, we fear, that the sons of the Prince
of Wales now on board the Bacchante have allowed some
foolish companions to tattoo an anchor on each of their
noses. -Still an anchor is such a hopeful" emblem that
we will venture to hope that by some happy fluke "
-anchor fluke really-the operation has been not
thoroughly effected. We should think, though, that
the captain will be very anch'ry indeed with the
young monkey who performed the deed ; if indeed this
unlucky tattoo is not the preliminary of a drum "-
head court martial.
THE CoMPLsETE AN GLER.-A mother of nine daughters
who has married them all "well."
WHO was the jovial Scotchman who gave his name
to the Merrimac ?
Customer, whto has brought back the article he had purchased:-" Now, LOOK
AT THIS I CALL IT TOO BAD ; NO SOONER DO I PUT ANYTHING IN IT THAN
IT ALL COMES TO PIECES."
Bland Shopmas:-"ALL .TO PIECES! AH, JUST SO-A BRIEF BAG, I
24 F JUN. [JA. 21, 1880.
THE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT QUESTION.-(Seethe "New York Herald.")
The object was to co leet son e authoritative opinions as to the best and most convenient means of inflicting capital punishment. Go round and get the
opinions of a few practical persons of various callings," said the editor
" Just called to hear your notions as to capital punishment," said the reporter. I'd 'ang 'umn up by the toes like o, I would; an' bang their 'eds like so,
till I'd finished 'um,' said a practical convict.
IM- o I
"Poison, Sir," Baid a practical doctor; "torture 'em, IAr I Begin with a dose of one kind, which would twist 'em up this way; then go on with a stronger dose
of ar other kind, which would twist 'em up th it way-and o on."
r--I-__ 11. 1 I II
"oiso, sir," aisd a practical doctor mtar Dear meBegin wi the editor, on te kind, whireporter'suld twis rn, I'm afraid you've been enuith a in too hardose
man; "so, yir-and so and so." you do look pale, and I can see the furniture right through you. Dear me !"
IjJFUN.--JA. 21, 1880.
PAT'S PATENT LIFE-PROTECTOR.
DEDICATED TO THE COWARDS OF KNOCKRICKARD.
[See accounts of Disturbances in Ireland on Jan. 10.
F U .-J I1 L,8o.
JAN. 21, 1880.] FU N 27
Friendly Enquirer :-" And how is the good firm of 'John Smith'
getting on? Flourishing, I hope."
Junior Partner:-" Oh! it's no longer 'John Smith,' but Smith
and Cow,' and I'm the Cow "
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL TAKES CAKE AND WINE
BEHIND THE SCENES.
SINCE the age of sixteen, sir, I have been so constantly before the
public* that I have never so much as managed to get behind," even
at a theatre. I was very pleased, therefore, to accept Mr. Harris's
kind invitation to the Green Room of Drury-lane on Twelfth Night-
though why green room when the walls are a dark red, or Twelfth
Night when it was the evening of the 6th of the month, our obliging
host had not time during our merry gathering, unfortunately, to
explain to me.
Oh, yes, sir, I was very pleased to go, I can assure you; and I
hereby publicly record my appreciation of the thoughtfulness of the
late lamented Baddeley, to whose memory it was we were invited
to drink wine and eat currant cake, flavoured with what I especially
valued-the current gossip of the professionals present; and when I
say professional's present, I mean the actors I met there, not the
comedian's cake and wine. Before going, I took some trouble to look
out old Baddeley in the books of reference I had, wishing to be able
to refer pleasantly to him in case I came across any of his relatives or
friends of his family. But not a trace of the late lamented B. could I
find, sir; so I was led to suppose that he may have been
... theatrical hack,
Who was served too "Baddeley to want to come back."
This was only a conjecture of mine, however, and, if you think it
might annoy the family, don't insert it for worlds !
It was quite a pleasurable sensation to enter Drury-lane
Theatre by the stage-door, and as I had shaved off my whiskers pur-
posely for the visit, I flatter myself that the small crowd that watched
me go in took me to be a "walking gentleman" at the very least,
though I did come in a cab. Having lost myself twice, I was at last
found wandering in the cellar amongst the traps-a fitting abode these
theatrical depths would make for a community of modern Trappists, it
struck me, as the handle of a windlass did the same-by a carpenter,
and led-had he been chef d'orchestrc he could not have conducted "
me better-to the room I sought, where I found many of the guests,
including many actors and actresses now on the Drury-lane bill.
This was just what I desired, for it gave me an excuse for firing off
a joke I had carefully prepared, and which was so obvious that I
feared some of the other famous wags present would forestall me if I
I knew an actor, by-the-bye, whowas also "before the public "-fartoo often,
I regret to add; for the "public" he used to go before was one with a private
jug-and-bottle entrance and a spirit license.-V.E.-S.R.
hesitated. So going up to Mr. Augustus Harris I exclaimed, warmly,
after looking beamingly about me, "Ah, this is something like a
room now, Mr. Harris."
I'm very glad you approve of it, I'm sure," he returned smilingly.
"Praise from Sir Hubert Stanley, you know, is praise indeed "
"Yes," I returned, again beaming on the loveliest of the Misses
Evokes, I like your room very much, but I must say "-and here I
paused a moment for effect-" I like your company still more."
Two well-known wags standing opposite pretended to join in the
laughter that greeted my sally, but I could plainly see their mirth
was forced, and that in their hearts they were anathematizing me for
having anticipated a joke on which they had both relied.
Having thus broken the ice, we quaffed the wine-cup to the defunct
Baddeley's memory; and cut up the iced cake, when one of the
hitherto disappointed wags said, in a loud tone, that for his part he
liked all kinds of cake except the stomach-cake," whereon I ejacu-
lated sadly, Let us drink to the health of that aged Joe Miller,"
thus covering the waggish one with confusion, which culminated
when a moment later a currant went the wrong way, as he was trying
to say pretty things to the Columbine sotto voce.
Meanwhile, I was causing fresh mirth by asking the Brothers Grinn
if they wrote for the Grinnage Theatre, and if it was true some
of the Drury-lane supers belonged to the Grin-adier Guards.
I had also a more serious mission to perform, for being behind the
scenes I wished to see all I could, and Blue Beard" having volun-
teered to be my guide, I was led upon the stage, and shown where the
prompter stood, with list" slippers on I was told.
"Does he play any special role ?" I asked.
Only the roll of the thunder," returned my cicerone, which drew
from me the suggestion that it would be rather alarming if he forsook
his post during a stage thunderstorm, as it would be a case of
If you think I behaved "Baddeley" in making these shooting
puns, sir, remember I did it in memory of the lamented B., and for-
give me this once.
I was shown the wings," by aid of which the carpenters mount as
high as they please, and the flies," which, like the flies in my house,
are up where the ceiling should be. I saw, too, with much interest,
the L.U.E. side-opening, through which, it seems, stage gamblers
make their exit, after being heavily "L.U.E.'d" (loo'd, don't you
see. Hul-loo that's one to me, eh ?), and the star-trap," reserved
specially, it seems, for the use of the star actor in the company, who
turns it, naturally, to star-tling account.
I could have spent a week looking over the properties alone, in-
cluding the comic elephant, which was for the time packed away
snugly in its own trunk, and the key of the fatal chamber, which
keeps the audience so on the "key vive," but the hour was late, or
rather early, and there was more cake to be eaten in memorial.
Someone wondered, as the last glass went round, whether Bad-
deley was there in the spirit. "No, nq," I chimed in, "he's here
in the wine, if at all," and with the same, knowing the value of a
dramatic exit, I kissed my hand to the company, and retired. And I
don't think, on the whole, that I did so Baddeley, after all, ch ?
A "Taking" Gent.
A MtAX named Charles Luck has been committed for trial for stealing
a horse and cart which was left outside a house on Clapham Common.
To steal a horse and cart is such wholesale robbery that, had it not
been for the locality, we should have thought the prisoner was certainly
no common thief. His conviction will necessitate the alteration of a
favourite saying, as henceforth it will not be desirable to be "in
To What Base Uses -"
THE Sheffield Daily Telegraph has thought fit to joke about the Tay
Bridge Calamity, and attributes the cause, not to the visitation of
Providence, but to the recent visit of Mr. Gladstone. We fear that
the Conservative organ which makes comic notes at such a time must
be terribly out of tune.
SOME say that the path leading back to Eden was, like the floor of the
Inferno, paved with good intentions. Our notion is, though, that the
former was not paved at all; surely it was mac-" Adam ized !
Gentlemen, the Queen!
"I LOvE her right weel," said a loyal Scot. "I love her right and
left wheel," said a no less loyal volunteer, determined not to be out-
done. And they wheeled into the nearest refreshment bar.
THE French, in allusion to a railway official who is indifferent as to
whatweight of luggage he carries, call hima N'Jimporte-r.
[JAN. 21, 1880.
Lady Visitor :-"CAN YOU TELL ME WHETHER THERE IS A CIRCULATING LIBRARY IN THE
TO WN? "
Native:-" FIRST TURNING ON THE LEFT, MISS; OUR NEW STORES, MISS; I IBE A HIMPLOYED
THEER; CIRCULATION' LIBRARY, PORK BUTCHERS, HIRONIMONGERS, CHEMISTS, LOKIL MATTREMONIAL
AGENCY, AND UNDERTAKERS-WE 'UD BE MOST HAPPYY TER GIT YER A 'USIIAND, ORl BURY YER,
MISS, MOST 'APPY." [Exit L. V. rapidly.
POLLY put the kettle on
And let's have some grog !
Whiskey we will settle on,
From wild Irish bog !
Sparkling as the metal on
The snout of a Hog !
Polly put the kettle on
And let's have some grog !
Whiskey! Sweetest petal on
Rosy life !- a log
You could whip a nettle on,
Who won't drink it !-Gog.
Polly put the kettle on
And let's have some grog !
Very Ill Bred.
COMPLAINTS having been made to the
Guardians at the Isle of Wight that the
parochial bread is deficient, both in
quantity and quality, they have instructed
the relieving officer, if it occurs again, to
visit the nearest confectioner's, and make
up the deficiency with French rolls,
wedding-cake, and anything else that is
to be had, and charge the contractor with
the same. From this there is no doubt
that reformation is kneaded at the hands
of the baker, but we doubt if the remedy
is altogether wise. The pauper stomach
will scarcely be strong enough, we should
think, to stand wedding-cake in lieu of
bread, and then the Guardians will have
to pay the doctor; besides it is the baker
who should suffer, not the paupers.
A Modern Munchausen.
THERE is still a Baron 1Munchansen in
the world, we see, and he is at present
serving on the Prussian artillery staff. We
should expect the reports of any guns he
may have to do with to be anything but
"Baron" ones. They ought to be "re-
ports," indeed, worth taking down, and
publishing with Dord's illustrations if the
Baron is at all worthy of his name.
WE see a note to the effect that Shake-
speare is to be illustrated by Do-rd. We
devoutly hope that this is not a blunder-
ing intimation that someone intends
setting the bard's works in the tonic sol-fa
notation. This maybe an a-Do-r6-ble thing
to do in some people's ideas; to us though
it suggests a mere (John) Hullah-baloo.
A Un-meat" Anomaly.
To call a man a "meat contractor"
whose object it is to make every joint he
has go as far as it can be made to.
IF sixteen pints make a Jewish Homer,
how much must a fellow drink if he wants
to write an English epic ?
SH1T you mouth and save your health-
So say now our sage advisers-
Fogs will enter in by stealth,
If you sever your incisors.
But perchance from out their wealth
Of knowledge they will please apprise us,
How should we treat a garrulous young wife
Who will not close her mouth to save her life?
M3. DE FREYCINET, the new French Premier, declares "that he is not
wedded to any course." This will not, however, prevent him from
proving himself a superior Minister, capable of taking joint action, if
necessary, notwithstanding his objection to curry favour.
LITERARY LEDGER "-DEMAIN.-The editorials on the Era.
A "NEAR "-SIGITED POLICY.-Passing over Dr. "Farr" for the
JAN. 21, 1880.]
OUR OWN PROGRAMME OF THE HOLIDAY
.' ili HE new gymnastic
lady at the Oxford-
i | Miss Emma Jutau-
.; J -superior to her pre-
Slllll decessor of royal
S- rank. Though, per-
haps, not a person of
.. "'. such high social
S i i I station as Her
;ti s,!iHHII \' i.. ll I Majesty of the An-
I titles, Miss Jutau,
I ,I !''both in, and from the
S, nature of, her pro-
'fession, is undoubt-
'.i liI edly a lady of
ii high" rank and
i:' ," (seeing that the con-
eluding feat of her
programme is to glide
rapidly down a wire
beneath which she is
S >.. suspended by her
--, '- teeth) of unquestion-
able descent; and so
neatly is the whole
"-- performance gone
/ I >- through that people
alluding to her in-
I' variably speak of
5 -Her Grace. The other
items of the Oxford
programme are sufficiently amusing, but I would single out for extra
praise the exhibition of bicycling by the Elliot children-a display of
pure skill, involving no element of danger and suggesting no previous
training incongruous with the youth of the performers, and, therefore,
a pleasing sight.
The Westminster Aquarium gives, during the day, a lengthy and
varied entertainment. An admirer of Zreo or Zulus has every reason
for satisfaction-however he times his visit, he is pretty sure to run
his Z against one or the other of them.
The attractions at the Crystal Palace being supplemented by a
pantomime, with a Variety Entertainment to start it, and Dr. Carver
to bullet through, what more need be said upon the subject ?
At the Alexandra the principal items of entertainment are Adam's
Circus (which only ceases to perform at the approach of Eve), and a
pantomime to which flock crowds of young sparks to applaud the
dancing of Mis-s-Parkes.
The Moore and Burgess Minstrels have added several new songs to
their repertoire, which, so far from being a new-songs, are very
pleasant to listen to, Mr. Moore's British Black Hussars (written
and sung by himself) eliciting many British White Huzzas.
It is matter for no surprise that the audience are bewildered at the
wonders performed by Messrs. Maskelyne and Cooke at the Egyptian
Hall, when the last-named gentleman himself loses his head in the
course of the entertainment.
The Agricultural Hall is occupied for the present by Wombwell's
world-famed Menagerie and an imitation fair. Mr. Maccabe is to be
found under the same roof requesting Dull Care'" to Begone,"-
this seems rather personal to the menagerie, which merits no such
appellation. Mr. Maccabe's performance of Miss May, by the way,
suggests that he would Macc-a-be-autiful female!
The firm of German Reed and Partner commenced their Christmas
Stocking some time ago; there must be great demand for their wares,
for they have not finished that stocking yet. It is a very homely
firm, too. At their place of business, St. George's Hall, you will.
find the Pirate's Home and Master Tommy's At Home, and five minutes
after you have taken your seat you will find yourself at home, too.
The Polytechnic has a various programme headed royally by Mary
Queen of Scots in a set of dissolving views-there is a special
appropriateness in this conjunction of Mary Stuart and Polly Technic.
One of the most popular, and certainly one of the most elegant,
places of amusement is the Canterbury. The popularity is undoubtable,
oven in Chaucer's time, as he himself says,
from every schires ende
Of Englonde, to Canturbury they wende,
and the elegance speaks for itself. The present programme is good.
The efficacy of Miss Power's efforts leads one to wish more power to
the managerial elbow, and Ariel (who, like Mackonochie, though
suspended continues to perform) seems to throw into her display
immense interest, and we think her floating capital-Ariel is Ariel
OLD men who marry-there, there, what a pout .
Kiss me : your lips will press the wrinkles out.-
Some men who marry choose a wife to wear
Their time out; as for beating brain that lies
Behind the grace and glitter of the eyes,
They have no leisure to go groping there.
I was no wiser than my peers; I took
My yellow guineas and my yellower look,
To market, like a bashaw, and appraised
Scores of sweet bales ; so many and sweet, indeed,
I wonder that they don't export the breed
To lands where meaner articles are raised.
But tastes refine by long disuse, some say;
.The merchandise all seemed amiss one way;
I think I must have dreamed of you, and grown
Fastidious, fretful, as men will who wait
For truth or substance by the Ivory Gate;
And I had lived my wedded life alone.
But in a crowd some chattering Marquise
Named me to two brown eyes-I saw but these,
An Austrian mouth, a Stuart smile; I thought:
The child might like me if I petted her;
How nice the bonnie head would look in fur !
I'll buy this bauble if it may be bought.
Ah, hold me, dearest; touch me. When I think
Her head was nearly in your place, you shrink,
And I forget I had the grace to see
Beside the parterre's pride the violet,
Who would do more for an old man than get
His lait de poule and his bonnet de nuit.
You worked her fripperies; you danced the last,
You were "my cousin to all men; all passed.
I stopped, I found "my cousin's face was fair ;
My cousin's lips, sweeter for gentle words,
Had smiles as true for lacqueys as for lords;
I found I had loved you many a lonely year.
Well, if those tender lips spoke truth, Mignonne,-
I think sometimes I've robbed you of your sun-
You'll try to like poor Autumn in your May.
You'll keep your flowers and try to find its fruit;
I'm glad the slipper fits your little foot,
And, pardon, if Prince Charmant's beard is gray.
WVHEN a man has the gout his voice becomes all-toe,
Domestic music is chiefly confined to areas.
The key of a barrel of Bass's ale is called the Bass clef."
Notes of music are always sold by the score.
There may be a maximum of notes in a concerted piece of music,
but never a minim mum-it is always sounded.
All songs are written in bars," and in "tones," and semitones ";
they are all, therefore, bar-ry-tonc songs.
Mr Hall6 is not the author of the Ifalle-lujah chorus.
The word "fin-ale" at the end of a piece of music signifies that you
may take some bitter beer.
Musical staves are produced by the wind whistling in the bung-
hole of an empty cask.
The letters D.C." wherever they occur mean Don't Continue.
Major keys are the latch-keys used by the grown-up people of the
house; minor keys, those allowed to inmates who are under ago.
An(n) Dante was a sister, a cousin, or an aunt of the poet Dante.
Water music should always be taken con spirit.
Pastor-ale means the clergyman's beer.
Pitch, in music, does not defile.
It is the duty of the first violin, as leader, to be ahead of the rest of
the orchestra, who must follow their leader. This is why all musical
instruments are of hollow materials.
A musical scale has nothing to do with the Christmas waits.
An interval means, Ten minutes for refreshment."
Crows practice Chiro-matic scales." Hens en-harmonic scale,"
or lays con egg-spressione.
A tonic note should only be taken when prescribed by a doctor
Unison," means one son-not twins.
A diatonic scale means a scale of tonic diet.
There may be a quart-ctte in music, but elsewhere it is a quart drunk.
[JAN. 21, 1880.
ON THE ICE.
Smith flatters himself his get-up" is Little Jones has rashly volunteered to teach his cousins skating-he rather H. S. Man: "Now then, sir, take a pull
simply perfect." likes embraces in a general way, but this sort of thing all the afternoon at this and run home as fast as you can."
gets doosid monotonous. (Indignation of De Bellevele, who never runs.)
IHEN life was bright and Time was young
I V In vanished years that now are old,
How many ardent songs were sung
By glowing lips now mute and cold !
i What sunny eyes looked love, when we
Lived careless lives in Arcady I!
Our hearts can ne'er those days forget-
Their recollection cannot fade;
o suh a The sweetness hangs about them yet,
Though stern reality has made
Us almost fancy there could be
7 / No such a place as Arcady !
But memory holds sure and fast,
/ H/ ~And will not let their brightness go!
The brightness of a pleasant past,
That brighter still will ever grow,
As through the cloud of age I see
Old gleams of light from Arcady !
Fair Arcadia the charm of youth
Peopled thy groves with fleeting joys !
Alas such life but hides the truth,
That love is gold, and hearts are toys!
And now The Burlington" to me
Is all that's left of Arcade-y!
From South Hampstead.
THE arrangements in the N. W. district regarding dairy produce,
especially as to milk and eggs, are, to say the least of it, peculiar, if
we may believe the vociferations of our 'bus conductors, who never
weary of shouting: Chalk -Farm-Addle-laid."
WHY is a lonely island in mid-Atlantic like a certain specific
against emaciation, only more so?-One is "Anti-lean," and the
other is Saint Helena.
THE authorities of the Trinity House have been trying to utilise a
"whistling buoy." What a mercy if they take some from the London
At Wigan two men have been fined 5 each for stealing a hare, and
a man for splitting his wife's head open had only to pay ten shillings:
ergo, a hare is ten times more valuable than a woman. What will the
magistrates' wives think of this decision ? We imagine the bench will
suffer in the matter of hair.
The fact that a servant girl named Emma Plant has died from the
effects of tight-lacing proves that this hideous practice is Emma-nently
A Case of Super-"seeding."
IT is stated that a company is about to be formed who propose to
purchase and work a patent for the treatment of date fruit and seeds
for the production of a substitute for coffee. Of course, in this inven-
tive age it is impossible to say what can or what cannot be done, but
we fancy for some time people will regard any substitute for M1rocha as
nothing less than a mockery, and our own impression is that the day is
distant when coffee will be out of date."
Now Ready, the Thirty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
THIRTIETH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also Reading Cases, Is. Od. each,
Now Ready, Two Shillings and Sixpence ; by post, Three Shillings,
Companion to THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By J. F. SULLIVAN.
Now Ready, One Shilling, by post, Is. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS iBY FRED. BARNARD.
Fun Oflice, Fleet-street, E.G.
Im bad e eFINS'T te&'s ed
AU arNu eed:obeS P CADBIURY 'SGENU
and is uell more e-onomical t: an e
many cheap and e ulteraled sops, which
quickly waste way i usAP Cr.COA ESSENCE
One trial will ensure its constant use. PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
Soldin llb. barsatd. Of all Grocers, Oilmen, and Stores. CAVurTN.-nfCcos b Mikene in the cnp it prove the odditia ofstarech.
Prmted by JULDD & CO Ph,,ix W,,rks, It. Auir-w 'b Hill. D,.ctors' Commons. and Pubnlhed (for the Pr,,pietors) at 153. F, et Street E C.-London, January 21, 1880.
JAN. 28, 1880.]
THE SONG OF THE UN-
(To be sung in Hyde Park when they nmet
There are in London alone 30,000 men in tbe
building trade unemployed. It is a disgrace to
the community, and the Government is the cause
thereof. Work could be found for all." -
Essence of the speeches on Jan. 17, 1880.
WE'RE London's unemployed,
And numerous are we;
We're very much annoyed
With horrible Lord B.
He dotes upon the Turk,
But us he doesn't like,
He doesn't find us work,
And so we cannot strike !
Though trade is very bad
It wasn't always thus;
The wages we have had
Exactly suited us,
And what we liked to charge
The masters had to give,
Our earnings they were large-
And lor how we did live !
We managed to get through
The extra that we earned,
So now we've not a sou,
And B. is unconcerned.
Why doesn't he refill
Our empty pockets too ?
He doesn't move, and still
We've got no work to do !
He finds it for the Russ.,
The Zulu and the like-
He doesn't care for us,
And so we cannot strike !
To say the fault's our own,
In no obscure degree,
Is nonsense; it alone
Is owing to Lord B.
"Why? "-Never mind the why,"
We want no argument-
He drained our pockets dry,
For all our money's spent.
So do your best to burk,
By any means you like,
The man who gives no work,
And chance (therewith) to strike !
Meet it is.
MR. WILLIAM 3MONK, a farmer of
Frittenden, has been sent to prison for
sending diseased meat to market. When
it is remembered that this offence might
very easily result in the deaths of no
end of people, we naturally wonder that
the punishment is not heavier. As the
prisoner in this case is described as
"wealthy," we can truly say he ric jly
deserved his sentence.
WHEN. a gun is charged, what is the
amount it has to pay ?
Parson:-"I WISH TO COMPLAIN, INRS. DIGGINS, OF THE CONDUCT OF YOUR DAUG-.TDR
AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TO-DAY ; IT WAS RUDE IN THE EXTREME."
Mrs. D. :-" Ait, IT'S WHAT THEY TEACHES HER AT THAT THEER iOARD SCHOOL AS DUN
IT ; YESTERDAY SHE COME HOME, AND SHE SAYS, MOTHER, THEY ARE A-TACHING OF M E
VULGAR FLRAXSHUNS.' WHAT CAN YOU EXPEX AFTER THAT, Sll ?"
THE persons who have been engaged in searching for the bodies of
the victims in the Tay-bridge accident lately had recourse to a rather
strange expedient. They took out in a boat to the scene of the
disaster a lady who was believed to possess the power of second-sight,
and who actually went so far as to indicate the spot where twenty
bodies lie buried beneath the broken girders-although, it must be
admitted, her statements have not yet been proved con ect.
, If, indeed, clairvoyants are really capable of unravelling such
mysteries, their services are likely to grow into great demand. For in-
stance, are there not hundreds upon hundreds of investors in public com-
panies, bonds, loans, and such-like, who would be only too glad to knew
the whereabouts of the money they have sunk ? And are there not
millions of things yearly lost-from fortunes to opportunities-which
their quondam-owners would willingly pay a good round sum to be
able to see once again ? At the very least, those creatures who are
blessed with such remarkable acuteness of vision might relieve the
world by disclosing the limbo of dropped pins ; and what becomes of
all the dead donkeys ?
A Mixed Breed.
THE artisan who, at the same time, is a "man of metal" and a
beast-is a tin cur.
voL. XXXI.-NO. 768.
The Haymarket will open next Saturday under the new manage-
ment-on a system, apparently, of give and take." Theypromiseto
give Money, and undoubtedly they will take money.
It may be useful, for such persons as desire the companionship of
the lady, to know that in a few weeks Mr. Wills' Stepmother will be
found at the Duke's every evening.
The recent depression in trade has probably induced Mr. Byron to
place The Upper Crust before the public for the delectation of those
unhappy beings in ,want of a crust. The Upper Crust is said to have a
remarkable under-currant of humour; it will be shortly" pro-
duced at the Folly, when, we predict, everybody will want a finger in
A remarkably successful season is in store for Messrs. James and
Thorne, though perhaps one a trifle inconvenient and monotonous
for Londoners, for soon we shall find Ourselves at the Vaudeville
Miss Wallis is to play Ninon do l'Enclos, I believe, in the new play
written for the Adelpli by Mr. Wills. The dresses are reported to
be very tasteful and pretty, both the short jackets and the l'Enclos.
Madame Chaumont will chau-a-mont the other celebrities at the
Gaiety in June.
To circulate and propagate reports that Mr. George Honey is a
broken-down paralytic, wholly unable to follow his avocation as an
actor, is undoubtedly a brilliant display of caustic humour. He,
however, says he is not a paralytic, and seems annoyed at the reports.
The wax Honey gets into is natural enough, the whole affair being of
the nature of a cell for him, as it is likely to keep him out of an
engagement. I should think some manager would snap him up at
once if they only knew lihe was available; at any rate I am sure any-
one of decent enterprise might soon make a pot of Honey.
MM. Erkmann-Chatrain's now piece may possibly be first produced
SOCK 'AND BUSKIN.
UCH careful thought
(^,. Their meed have
SA (. Success appears!
A And certain I'm
That thinking well
\ In course of time
S Will always tell.
We inust detect
Some notion new
SIf we reflect
'A / year or two ;
This oft I've heard
.-'-- And now there's
-- Has so occurred
To h. FuMr .
S'-And shall he thrust
To limbo dim
/ / j- The thought that's
Occurred to him ?
No-not at all-
He is about
-'a bcs -- :.\. To tell it out.
; -' He will impart
How marked there
Each type the art
Of acting knows.
He's off to seek
And sketch a few,
Which, week by week,
He'll give to you.
In England under the title of The Betrothed. All Englishmen will
wish to see it, I'm sure, but they will scarcely like to sit it out if it
reaches to the abnormal length of some French plays ; however much
you like a piece, you like to got home by your last train at least-in
fact, under no circumstances do you like to miss Cha-train.
A GHASTLY OLD COMEDY REVIVED.
FInST CITIZEN. Beautiful day it's sure to be. His weather, if I
remember rightly; always used to be splendid at Park meetings-
wasn't it, Stubbs?-and on field days in the Court.
SECOND CIT. Of course it was, Grubbs; right down fizzin'
weather, and no mistake (impressive and confidential). And, d'you
know, Grubbs, that more than once I have remarked that alt our bad
weather has come to us since he was in !
FIRST CIT awestruckk). Jumping Moses, if that ain't the fact!
(Enter other CITIZENS with bands and banners emblazoned with mottoes
of a somewhat mixed democratic tendency; carriages with a RECEPTION
COMMITTEE inside; a chariot and four containing a distinguished lawyer
(in spec acles), a lord, and an ex-lI.P. See the Conquering Hero;"
gates open; enter stout gentleman with hair cropped.)
RECEPTION COMMITTEE. Welcome, victim of a corrupt judge, a
venal press, a perverse Parliament, and a general conspiracy of the
intelligence of the country to deny you your rights and title, which
we, as democrats, consider of paramount importance.
(Stout gentleman is hoisted in and departs. Scene changes to railway
carriage, omnibus, tramway car, or any other public vehicle. More
FIRnsT CIT. Well, you know, that simultaneous rise in pumice-
stone and pig-iron proves -
SECOND CIT. That that fourth Carabineer's evidence was so un-
trustworthy as to demonstrate that -
THIRD CIT. The tattoo marks were as distinct as the nose on my
face, and -
FoURTH CIT. I never heard a more flagrant batch of lies than all
the Stonyhurst evidence -
FIrTH CIT. Evidence of Captain Barry completely establishes that
at any rate he's not -
(Yells of Orton," the man," an impostor," Roger,"
FIRST CIT. Here, guard, someone, let me out. I want to talk
sanely or read my newspaper. I'm not booked for Bedlam-or Not-
(Leading thoroughfare anywhere within radius of three miles from
Testminster. Bloks of thousands of CITIZENS foUr times a day. Alter-
nate cheering and drinking going on briskly.)
FIRST CIT. I say, Blubbs, couldn't see him going to Court this
morning; must try and catch him coming out for his lunch. To-
morrow shall take a holiday, for they're going to have up old Jean
SECOND CIT. And the Cousin next week-prime !
THIRD CIT. And the Jesuits week after-ripping !
NEWSPAPER BoY. Tichborne Trial-all over again-full account!
TERBIFIED FOREIGNER. My brain's reeling. They're like the
savages in Edgar Poe, that had only one word in their language.
OMNES (roaring). Here he is. Hurroar Run 'im for Notting-
ham; make 'im Lord Mayor, Archbishop of Canterbury, anything,
BIuTISH PUBLIC (to TERnIFIED FOREIGNER). I quite agree with
you. This is homicidal. I'll go with you. Ugh!
(Shudders, and packs up, and emigrates, leaning the land to Tichborne
and dementia. At least, that's about what will happen if he does get
DIED, JAN. 2%, 1880-AGED 86 YTEAS.
THE last of three gifted brothers. Tom Landseer's engravings
from his brother Edwin's pictures were remarkable for their beautiful
and delicate execution, rivalling the wonderful manipulation of the
originals. It can hardly be estimated how much Edwin owed to the
brother's reproduction of his works, or how much pleasure and in-
struction the widespread publication of his engravings has given to
the world. Tom Landseer, although deaf to all sound, had a most
kindly and genial manner and a most generous nature. It is under-
stood that he has left a large sum of money to that excellent institu-
tion, the Artists' General Benevolent Fund.
[JAN. 28, 1880.
JAN. 28, 1889.]
ALAS for such a wide divergence
Of views amongst M.D.'s and surgeons
When summoned on a grave emergence.
They try experiments on us,
These sons of 2Esculapius,
"Salus," say they, Supremum jus."
And when the ordeal is o'er,
And we, their patients, are no more,
Our doctors differ as before.
ROYALTY. Midge, a three-act comedy by J. R.
Martin and J. P. Burnett, is decidedly a one-part piece,
written expressly to show to advantage the versatile
powers of that clover actress, Jennie Lee, and so far the
authors have succeeded, for all the best qualities of the
lady are fully brought out; the alternations from grave
to gay, the touches of humour or of pathos, are equally
well given. Beyond this there is no one character that
enlists the sympathies of the audience. One of the best
bits of acting is the John Gastern of Mr. Burnett, an
artist with a cynical turn of mind. The piece, is by no
means original in plot or construction, but much of the
dialogue is bright and witty. The comedy is well acted
throughout by a good all-round company.
Finding a Reddy Sale.
A PERIODICAL called the Rag Baby has been published
in Philadelphia, printed in green ink on white paper.
Medical men, it seems, think this journal will be more
" read" than black and white, as it will prove more
agreeable to the eyes. But that surely is a very
"colourable" conclusion to arrive at. At the same
time we have little doubt but that at least one Rag
Baby will be found in. every household, whether it is
"red" or not!
How to Calculate the Market Price of Cochineal and
Vermilion: Get a Reddy Reckoner.
A BEAR is a furry creature, but the man who "sells
his skin is a furrier.
How many students find optics light reading.
Master (reading boy's dictation exercise) :-"' THIS ARCH AND ABANDONED
MISS CREANT.' THAT IS A MISTAKE, BOY; YOU HAVE MISSED MY MEANING."
Boy:-"PLEASE, SIR, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT WHAT YOU SAID, SIR.'"
[&o he did, and the boy had to take" what he did not miss."
A RECENT theatrical tea-meeting at Exeter Hall was not so satisfac-
tory to the promoters as the previous ones have been, for when the cloth
was cleared and the preparations made for the religious services about
200 beat a hasty retreat. Evidently they believed in making their own
The entire town of Littleborough-by-Rochdale, containing a popu-
lation of 10,000 souls, has been bought by a Yorkshire gentleman.
We should think this is the biggest sell on record.
A ticket-holder of one of the railway companies, writing to a con-
temporary under the signature of "Season 1881," very justly com-
plains of the abominable practice of the officials in banging the carriage
doors. We thoroughly agree with the complaint, and should like to
see a reform in Season 1880.
A gentleman named Wood has succeeded, after a fight of a quarter
of an hour, in rescuing his wife from the Shakers at Hurdle. We
have often heard of race for a wife," but this was a Hurdle race.
At the next meeting of the National Bank of Ireland a dividend
will be declared of 11 per cent. This shows that Banks prosper at
An Insane Sentence.
ECCENTRICITY is undoubtedly the form of the Hampstead Bench.
They requested Dr. Smiles to report upon the state of a prisoner's
mind, and now that that gentleman has given it as his opinion that
the delinquent (who was charged with stealing two milk cans) is of
weak intellect, they have deliberately sentenced her to one month's
hard labour. The poor creature whose real name is Lucy Sands, but
who purported to be Theo Dunraven, when asked why she gave that
name, affirmed because she had read it in a book, which certainly is
rather a novelreason. Joking apart, it is absurd to sentence a woman
of weak intellect to such strong punishment, and we trust the Home
Secretary will see that the verdict, like the woman, is out of reason.
ONE of the latest novelties is a "luminous paint," which possesses
the remarkable power of absorbing light, and of subsequently glowing
with a pale phosphorescence for some hours afterwards. This inven-
tion, if applied to the interior of a room, might certainly be of service
in reducing the gas-bill-especially at this season of the year when
the nights are long ; still, from a tailor's point of view, it could only
be adapted for summer-time, since the walls would be provided with
but light coatings.
Haven 't You Seen Him Lately P
A FAMOUS American, Gilbert Haven, is dead; we need scarcely say
he was a bishop, for in the new as well as the old world every Haven
has its "See." He was a prominent Abolitionist, too, before the war;
and the fugitive negroes he harboured found him a safe, as well as
a Gilbert, Haven.
AN obtuse angler is one who fishes for pike with paste.
An acute angler is one who uses fly or live-bait as the case requires.
A tri-angler is a tyro in the gentle art.
An equilateral tri-angler is one who fishes each side of the river with
"Pelisse Don't "
PELISSES are now very much worn trimmed with far. But by
whom? We have looked at every "pelisse-man" we have met
without seeing one of these garments. Does this imply that polisse-
women have now become an institution of the day ?
A BROKEN "READ."-Your perusal of a favourite author interrupted
by waits, piano organs, and other nuisances.
34 FTJN. [JAw. 28, 1880.
THE AMATEUR PROFESSIONS.
SI'm sick ov this 'ere crubbii '-I shall git an "Oh, dear, how that wretched cook has spoilt the dinner; half the cooks now never go through any t aining I
ingagement as co- L,." I will take to dressmaking, or something, dear, and my earnings will enable us to have a proper cook."
,a- ---- i
"Yes, ma'am, that dress is certainly very badiy male; but dressmakers n'ver
seem to go though any apprenticeship ; however, mry genius will no doubt
make it look well photographed ; taught myself in two days, ma'am."
"Libel, h ? Fct is, uilber.of Von understand your callings-Sevn ears'
penal servitude both of you-I mean the defend-no, the plaintiff."
" What! Do you mean to say, mother, that the fellow gives you that as a portrait ?
Strange how these photographers presume to a calling without being taught in
any way I I will turn paragraphit in a Society journal just to crush this fellow!"
is another case pr giving the utter incapacity of those untrained J. P.'s-.
case about photograph-I will become an M.P. and show up all this I"
FUT N.- JAN. 28, 1880.
A PRETTY LITTLE TOY FOR
PRETTY LITTLE STORIES.
JAn. 28, 1880.]
NEVER SAY DIE!
THOUGH the lady of my love
May be much beyond my worth
(An assertion I decidedly deny!)
Even if she is above
Every other thing on earth,
I may love her as a star, may not I ?
Who is good enough for her-
Semi-angel that she is !-
Tery likely she will find out by and by;
Anyone she may prefer,
By her choosing will be riz"
Cent. per cent. upon his worth-O may I!
And de gustibus non est
Disputandum-so there will
Be a chance for one to win her who may try !
Though she may not choose the best-
May choose nobody-but still
She may !-and if she does, why not I ?
Though I may have been refused
Half a dozen times or more,
I'm determined that I never will say die" !
Many lovers have been used
In this sort of way before,
Yet have won their loves at last !-why not I ?
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT A FANCY DRESS BALL
HALF the fun of a costume ball, sir, is the preliminary discussion as
to what one shall wear at it. No sooner had I determined to go to
that lately held at the Star and Garter, at Richmond, than my brain
was set busily to work to decide this all-important point. I felt that
at the very least my dress should have an extra-specialty and
originality of its own, and, with a view to settling the matter, I
invited several friends to step in the same evening and give me the
benefit of their suggestions.
Well, sir, we had a long and interesting consultation, and numerous
and novel indeed were many of the characters proposed. My friend
Napps, the stockbroker from over the way, who is continually treating
us to his wretched jokes, was most anxious I should go in a pair of
"military bags" as he called them. Now, you will scarcely believe
it, but this ill-advised man afterwards explained that everyone at the
ball would at once recognize me, in ease I followed his advice as to
the military bags," as Martial Sacks" !*
My next door neighbour observed that, seeing I was an exceptionally
thin and tall man, I might find it at once cheap and effective to twine
some luxuriant bines around my person and go as a hop-pole, on
which the irrepressible Napps exclaimed, "Oh, no; put Dickens'
Chimes in your hat and go as a church steeple! "
My brother-in-law's suggestion that I should dress myself in copies
of the Morning Advertiser, and go as a "Barrel Organ," showed how
immediately pernicious the effect of Napps's levity had been; whilst
Of course e meant Marshal Saxe;" but what an involved way of repre-
Ssenting a character I He might as well have suggested that I should go in two
odd boots to represent the tableau of the meeting of Wellington and
" Blucher."-Y.E. -S.R.
his further whispered hint that I should borrow one of our Aunt
Matty's goloshes, and go as a Paddler of My Own Canoo or a
"Patent Vermin Crusher," will naturally be recondite to you, sir,
since you have never seen, I believe, the feet of the female relative
At length, when they had had their little jokes, their suggestions
became more practical, and I soon found myself embarrassed in making
a choice from such admirable characters as those of an Author attired
in proof sheets; the Bank of England (to represent which it was pro-
posed I should wear a gold sprigged waistcoat with a strong guard
encircling it) ; an Artist's Easel, with a half-finished canvas borne on
my chest, my legs kept well apart when not walking about, and a
brush in my mouth, conveniently near "the palate ;" and a dozen others
I need not stay to mention, since none of then was finally chosen.
No, sir, after two hours' discussion the thought suddenly occurred
to me, Why all this fuss ? You are an Extra-Special-what, then,
could be more appropriate than to go to the fancy dress ball as one ? "
And in five minutes, sir, the whole thing was settled, and, with my
usual thoughtfulness, I went off the very same night to the Stoke New-
ington Station to interview the stationmaster there as to the lamps I
ought to wear fore and aft; for, of course, you understand that it was
as the engine of an extra-special train I had resolved to go to the ball.
I had no trouble in finding out how the lamps are usually fixed on
"specials," but Extra-Specials my station-master had never heard. of
on his line. But I was not very sorry, for this enabled me to give
free rein to my fancy, and to impart to the arrangement of red and
green lamps on my chest and back a picturesqueness and symmetry
which might have been lacking had I placed them strictly according
to the traffic-manager's regulations.
As you may have heard, my get-up was the hit of the evening; and
the way that I shut off steam, blew the break whistle, and shunted on
to another line of metals, at the moment when collisions seemed
inevitable produced so much "interest" that I am bound, without
any desire whatever to be egotistical, to suppose my carrying out of
my assumed character was in itself ca-ital."
True I had a mishap when I backed one of my red danger signals
against the edge of a consol table and upset the oil into a wall-flower's
lap. But this did not matter much, as her dress was evidently a very
cheap one, for she had knowingly appeared as a simple ghost, dressed
merelyin apairof new sheets (I am sure of this, for I could see the initials
A.L.," and the figures, "4-1879 in the corner of one of them).
No other contretemps interfered with my triumphant progress, and
I had never any difficulty in attaching myself to a "tender," I can
assure you, sir, my choice generally lighting, for the sake of the vraie
semblance of my engineous make-up, on those who had a long train
behind them. The visitors entered fully into the joke, and fair
fingers playfully stoked me at intervals with chocolate and bon-
bons," whilst I made shift with claret and champagne cups instead of
the ordinary supplies of water for the extra-special's boilers.
As to quips and jokes, I let them off like a real engine does steam,
for, as I told them at the ball, a locomotive's bound to go in for rail-
lery, besides being always on "its mettle."
Altogether, sir, in my peculiar line-or railway line, shall we say?
-and extra-special way, which was not exactly the six-foot one
generally associated with railroads, I think I may be said to have
scored a success. In fact, if it comes to that, my lamps alone made it
more than that-they made it a signal" triumph !
On his Metal.
IN the report of an assault-case at Brighton, it is stated that a
"licensed hawker named Rawlings beat a publican over the head with
a pewter pot till the latter was bent double, and the prosecutor ren-
dered insensible." The primary importance thus given to the pewter
pot is amusing, and reminds us of the jokist who, when telling of a
man who was killed by falling from a height on to a grindstone,
remarked that he did not know whether the grindstone was hurt or
not. With regard to the assault itself, there is no doubt it was one
of a most violent character, and the licensed hawker, who behaved in so
unlicensed a manner as to bend a pewter pot on a man's head, ought to
be treated with strong measures.
The Lying Spirit.
THE British National Association of Spiritualists has met with
a most thorough expose at the hands of Sir Geo. IR. Sitwell, who
caught the "spirit and detained her, while his friends, drawing
aside the curtains, disclosed the discarded clothes of the anything but
airy creature who had been doing the apparition-and the specta-
tors. The thanks of the community are due to Sir George for having
practically proved that "there is a medium in all things," hut we
suppose there will always be some credulous people who will believe
in calling spirits from the mighty deep," though we should think
after this they will indeed have to be mighty deep to be successful.
[JAN. 28, 1880.
f ft :-" WELL, DAN, AND HAVE YE HEARD THE NEWS,--HAVE YE HEARD
THAT ROIRY TlHE MILLER'S DEAD I "
Dan :-" OILY THE MILLER IS IT THAT'S DEAD NOW? JABERS, BUT YE
DON'T SAY SO, AND HE WAS A TOUNG MAN TOO."
Pat:-" FAITH, AN' THAT'S THREW FOR YOU, DAN, HE WAS SUCH A YOUNG
MAN NOW THAT I EXPECTED TO SEE HIM AT MY OWN FUNERAL INSTEAD OF
ME GOING TO IllS."
HoLLow, and yet not empty !-full of noise
Except when idle-yet but shake its head
And silence, deep as dwells among the dead,
Its frightful clatter utterly destroys,
In waves of jarring sound Of infant toys
The sweetest; what were life unless it sled
To music of the rattle ? How it fed
Young Fancy with the fullest of Time's joys !
The truths that childhood knew, years teach again !
Sound education haunts us constantly !
Wind governs substance Words bewitch the brain !
Without our life-the air-sound cannot be !
From birth to death its charm and rule enchain,
And "rattles still amuse society !
Naughty and not Nice.
THE nation will mourn with the Prince and Princess
of Wales in their deep their skin-deep-affliction.
Their eldest sons have taken it into their heads to tattoo
themselves on the nose, and goodness only knows
whether the anchors which they have imprinted
on their nasal organs will permit of eradication. It is
a sad sign of the times this anchoring after notoriety
from Princes downwards, and so apparently needless in
the present instance, as their young highnesses were
bound to be "men of mark." Although the perform-
ances of the tattooing process necesitates pricking with
a needle, we should think when they know the sorrow
they have caused their royal parents they will be con-
siderably pricked-by their consciences. The insertion
of the gunpowder is such a barbarous idea that they
really deserve a good blowing up."
The Wonderful Lamps."
THE electric light has recently been adopted by
Messrs. Samuel Brothers, of Ludgate-hill, for illumi-
nating their extensive premises, with brilliant success;
indeed, it is no joke to say that their goods may now be
seen in a perfectly new light, and that the effect is
ANY hotel which has not the year of its erection set
forth on it will get its proprietor under water," for it
will be Inn-undated.
HAPPINESS FOR ERIN.
BRITANNIA. InIIERNIA. IRISH TENANTS (lamenting ; aflei-ca,'d'
HIUERNIA discovered gazing nmournfully u0pon her tenants (lamenting).
HIBERNIA. Alas, my tenantry What grief is theirs !-
So weighty that their very hands do lack
The energy to wield the light shillelagh
With anything like passable effect;
Their very hats with dull dejection bend
Beneath the small dhudeen's accustomed weight,
Whose smoke when issuing, doth forswear its custom,
Refuse to rise, and sadly drop to earth !
Now mark their piteous tale and harrowing :
FIlST LAMENTING TENA NT. Bdad (* An exclamation introduced.
To mark the speaker's nationality,
And give a proper dialectic tone
And cunning touch of local character.
Throughout this play, whenever possible,
The tenant's spechlies will commence and finish
With this, or other cognate, exclamationn)
Bedad Extortion and, oh, tyranny !
I have an holding of some seventy acres,
Held at one pound per acre--seventy pounds.
Six of these acres have this season yielded
Eighty-eight pounds, yet, with this poor return,
R-marks by the Author.
The vile oppressor asks me for my rent t
(* This line hath left no margin for bedad.")
SECOND LAMENTING TENANT: Begorra 0, unreasoning extortion!
I have an holding at the cruel rent
Of twenty-seven shillings by the acre ;
The grinding landlord, mark, would have me pay;
I cannot, cannot pay the heartless price.
'Tis true indeed I can afford to pay
Six guineas by the acre for another
And equal holding; but I pay it to
The widow of a tenant, like myself ;-
But mark how boundless is the difference-
She is no grinding landlord t
OTHER LAMENTING TENANTS : Wirrasthrue
We, too, have holdings, but our poverty
Is such that we can pay no single farthing-
Until indeed a lawyer's letter comes,
And then we pay, not only rent, but costs,
With wondrous easc-ochone t
HIBERNIA (sobbing). How cruel facts !
(Enter BRITANNIA, who hastens to HIBERNIA with consoling gestures.)
BRITANNIA. 0, sweet my sister, why thus moved ?
HIuERNIA. 0, sister,
See but the griefs of these, my tenantry,
And thou'lt scarce ask!
BRITANNIA. Say, is there aught that I
Can do to aid them ?
HnUERnIA. List! They speak!
LAMENTING TENANTS : Bodad !
The grinding tyrants, pitiless oppressors,
(t Facts-see new papers.)
JAw. 28, 1880.]
The heartless landlords who combine to starve us,
Do still neglect us-leave us in the cold-
Turn from us, and refuse to live among us !
Could we but see their kindly faces beam
Upon us from our midst-hear their soft voices
Persuasively enquiring for their rent-
See, to admire, their sweet and gracious mien,
We should indeed be happy !
HIBERNIA. Oh! Britannia,
Thou hearest. Would the cruel, haughty landlord,
Who doth so truly make a practice of
Residing in thy land, but make his home,
Among his tenantry who yearn for him,
What happiness were theirs-themselves declare it!
BRITANNIA. Enough, Hibernia. I will bear thy words,
The yearnings of thy peasantry, to them:
And this perchance may touch their haughty bosoms.
(An interval.. Re-enter BRITANNIA, with signs of joy. She embraces
BRITANNIA. Sweet sister, I have brought thee happy news;
The haughty landlords, hearing of thy plaint,
Are now resolved to make their future home
Amid their tenantry, that these may see
Their kindly faces beaming in their midst-
Hear their soft voices asking for their rent,-
In short be happy.
HIBERNIA. Sweet, in truth, thy tidings !
(To TENANTS.) Say, have ye heard, my mourning children ?
TENANTS (rejoicing). Faix !
(*An admirable word to end the line
The author takes this opportunity
Of stating his profound conviction that
The Irish dialect is well sustained
Throughout this play : some authors have a way
Of dropping dialect in lengthened speeches
Or tragic passages-this is an error.)
We hear indeed-we hear and jubilate: ;
For at the words the sobs and tears of Erin
Do vanish, yielding place to wreathed smiles !
Come, let us make a welcome for our landlords,
Or, rather say our guests ; triumphal arches
Of bosky greenery and verdant screens
Of evergreen shall decorate their route,
For these are suitable to shoot behind-
(The true Hibernian peasant always likes
A woman or a screen to shoot behind.)
Let us prepare the welcome; let us see,
There's powder to be bought, and bullets cast.
We shall indeed be happy.
(All go of. An interval, then the sound of irregular firing. Then
re-enter HIBERNIA, meeting BRITANNIA.)
BRITANNIA. Say, are thy peasants happy ?
HIBERNIA. 0, my sister,
They are indeed approaching happiness,
For since the landlords came to dwell among them-
And grew extinct-the land has been their own.
But cares remain : they're still amenable
To some extent to law! They have as yet
The vile police and magistrates to kill-
BRITANNIA. They will be happy ?
HIBERNIA. Well, not quite,
For they have then to kill-
BRITANNIA. Each other ?
HIBEENIA (eagerly). Yes.
How thy sweet sympathy doth understand
Their natures, and my meaning !
BlTANN-IA. Dear my sister,
I prithee give them opportunity
To speedily attain their happiness.
(More sounds of firing. All go out.)
Off They Go.
IT is stated that a society has been established for promoting the
emigration of women. We suppose from this there are too many in
England, and the means to be taken to get rid of them- will be
THOUGH opinions may differ as to the likeness of Her Majesty on
the new postage stamps, there is no doubt that they are an improve-
ment from the adhesive point of view, so that they may be said to be
better "by Gum" !
TAKE them away !
XWrecks of the days that are done,
Sables that speak of Decembers,
Gauze that invited the sun;
Vanity's pitiful embers
Flamed in my heart but for one !
Take them away!
Relics of fate and of ball;
Gaily I dressed for my darling,
Throw by the rich Indian shawl,
Hued like the breast of a starling;
Take them and bury them all !
Take them away !
Hope, love, and lover are dead;
Sick is my sight with remembrance,-
The words of approval he said
Mock my sad soul with a semblance
In satin and laces and thread!
The Lay of Rest, Strahan and Co., begins the year with a capital
number. The literary work is most varied. The illustrations are uneven
in quality but are well printed.
Scribner's Monthly. F. Warne; St. Nicholas, S. Low and Co.-These
two magazines, both from the same publishers in New York, are shoot-
ing right ahead in the beauty and finish as well as in the profusion of
The Boy's Own Paper (December number) with presentation plates, is
a good issue. The large plate Among Optical Illusions is quaintly
designed and brightly coloured.
The Girl's Own Paper, from the same publishers. The first number
bids fair to be as great a success as the Boy's Own Paper. The portrait
of the Princess Victoria from Hayter's picture is well rendered, and
it will be highly interesting to the young of the present day to have a
portrait of our Queen as she was in her girlhood.
The Union Jack-Griffith and Farran-follows in the wake of the
Boy's Own Paper, the aim and object being identical with what we
might call the parent paper. The advertised list of contributors is a
strong one, and under the editorship of the able veteran, W. H. G.
Kingston, oughtto be a success.
la Vie Moderns (Paris) is full of artistic work, most of which is ren-
dered in a way that would not satisfy the ordinary Britisher : we could
have no greater proof of the higher art culture of the French as a
people than that such pictures as Vuce de Paris, by Antoine Vollon,
can be published in a weekly newspaper.
Works received :-The Garden Oracle, Antiquary, Sunday at Home,
Leisure Hour, Le Pullet, Science Gossip, Welcome, and Gardener's
[JAN. 28, 1880.
SAILING ACROSS DARTMOOR.
Hunlitsman :-- GOT AlO.ARt, THIEN, T.( K "
Sailor (on Dartmoor pony) :-" AYE, AYE, CAI'N ; WORKING' MY I'ASSAGE IN THE JOLLY BOAT,-LMAKIN' PRECIOUS ROUGoH WEATHER OF
IT, TOO "
On Father Thames his boulevard I strolled the other day
(Euphonic for Embankment" this, I hardly need to say).
'Tis probable my leisure hour had passed enjoyably,
But for a wild virago who attached herself to me;
And not to me alone, for all who chanced to cross her path
Became, however unwittingly, the objects of her wrath.
She seemed to have some grievances, for which the remedy
Was cruelly withholden by successive passers-by.
Each hapless stranger therefore she assailed with scrocchings vile,
Careering round her victims in a warlike Zulu style.
The wise moved on in silence, the timid in their fear
Looked anxiously for peelers who, of course, were nowhere near ;
And envious looks were east on folks wlho, lolling at their ease,
In dainty vehicles escaped her importunities.
At length, where Cleopatra's block frets neath the vulgar stare,
She spied a simple sewer man imbibing the fresh air,
And went at him. Ah sewetrly now, this orny-anded son
Of toil "'' will not repudiate the bond of union
That knit:. i, i rI those who sink neathh fate's unsparing blow,
Assuring ..... i *t-.mpathy when proud ones bid them go.
But whether he was grumpy, or had got no time to waste,
Or whether her attentions were but little to his taste,
I know not, but 'tis true-that, without more ado,
Without so much as shaking hands or bidding her adieu,
IHe stooped, and raised an iron trap, and disappeared from view !
A trifling incident it sounds when rendered into rhyme.
But, seen, 'twas like a fragment of a Christmas Pantondine.
Is a caterpillar to be commended when it turns over a new leaf ?
Now Ready, the Thirtq-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
THIRTIETH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 43. 6d. ; post free, 5.s. Cases for binding, is. 6d. each.
Also Reading CaGes, Is. 6d. each,
Now Ready, Two Shillings and Sixpence; by post, Three Shillings,
Companion to THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By J. F. SULLIVAN.
Now Ready, One Shilling, by post, Is. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FRED. BARNARD.
Fun Office, Fleet-street, C.
BLACK OBURY'S i' i' 'H
DOME LEAD ADBURY'S
BRILLIANT!! CLEAN!! NO DUST!! P
For xelece of MEDAL For lgeaulhuess
Quality. COLD MEDAL inouse. UU
Sold by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere. C OCOA ESSEN Cl
Sod by GrAoce ad 0 m en everywhe PURE-SOLUBLE-R EFRESHING. Neithelir scratch nor spurt, theints being rounled by a ne,,
E. JAMES & SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH, 1 C OL. J5.1fCtc, tA c ptps he ,. ,arch. .e .. hs d....orft Be .
printed by JDD & O, P Works, St. Andrews Hill D Com ons an P lihed (fo the prietor at 15L. d Edward Street, E.u .
Printed by JUDD & 1O Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dotors' Commons,. and Published] (for the Proprietors) at 153. Fluet S&reet E C.-U-Indon, Jwnuary 28. 1[80.
Fna. 4, 1880.] FUN. 41
DOTS BY THE WAY.
HELP FOR THE STARVING POOR.
Writing of Ireland, the special correspondent of a morning
paper ssys, I have never seen anything approaching the
dsatitution which prevails among the poor at present."'
WE'VE joked with Pat and blamed him too,
Aye, twenty times, and more;
But now, when there's no work to do,
And famine's at the door,
We'll ring our bells that all may know
The hungry cry for bread;
Through all this bitter cold and woeo
Now let the poor be fed. ,.\
Sure when we hear a woman's voice
Cry Mis'ry's in the land,"
No loud harangues or burly noise
Shall make us hold our hand;
For England's heart is ever warm
Where true distress may be,
To shield the stricken down from harm
And doleful misery.
As it has been so shall it be, --
We're brothers, sisters all; -
And Paddy, boy, ye now shall see
Our answer to your call ;
For ever when old Ireland's cry
Comes beating at the door,
Fond sister love to sisters fiv,
From this to Erin's shore.:
We ask you only, in return,-
It is not much to crave,-
Don't let wild, angry passions burn
The heart out of the brave
The generous and kindly boys, -
By agitators' fiam.
"Freeland!" they cry; they make you toys
To swindle, through a sham.
Strange Incident. --- -
A GIRLn who had fainted was presented with an orange, DOG MAT IC
but still she remained in the same alarming condition.
Acting on a happy suggestion, her friends fetched hdr Young Lady:-" SEE, MY rooR DOGGIE WANTs YOU TO PAT HIS HEAD."
a second, on which she rapidly regained her conscious- Parson:"-' AH, YES. BUT MIGHT NOT THILE LAYING ON OFl HANDS' BE
ness and said, "Ah! now you have brought me to!" FOLLOWED BY TILE TAKING OFF OF FINGERSS '
FInsT CITIZEn. This is a free countroc,
Free as can possibly be,
Perfect its unity, freedom, immunity;
This is a free countree !
SECOND CITIZEN. Is it a free countree ?
Listen a little to me,
As you seem proud of it-talk very loud of it-
This is your free countree !
(Sings.) A man endowed a church,
And after some research
He gave the living to a chap whose humour it was grim,
For, when he was installed,
This reverend (so-called)
Commenced such Romish practices as pleased his little whim.
Requested to leave off,
He only used to scoff,
And after great forbearance Lord Penzance suspended him.
At this he makes appeal,
And other judges deal
With things of which their knowledge with the Dean's is not on par;
But so that all may see
Their brief authoritee,"
They quash the order just to show how powerful they are.
And then the worthy Dean
Declared he didn't mean
To issue any more commands for other Courts to mar.
But in a little while,
The other Courtsn" to rile,
The "Council" quashed the quashing and uphold the Dean's decree.
The parson, with disdain,
Declined to be inhibited as calmly as could be ;
Defying, too, in short,
The order of the Court,
A state of matters scandalous to uttermost degree !
This is your free countree !
Perfect defiance can he-
One individual-openly bid you all;
This is your free countree !
That is the essence of freedom, so
True and impartial as I will sho.v.
WVhen swell-mobsmen pick your pocket, you object to it, of course;
Catch them, and your righteous impulse is to put the law in force,
Though wouldd paralyse your freedom if such things we should permit,
Yet to stop it altogether would encroach on theirs a bit.
So, a subtle compromise we've artfully contrived to make,-
You may prosecute the robbers when your handkerchief they take,
But, in order prosecution with their freedom shall not foul,
We have made it-oh, so costly that you let them go-and growl.
So, a contumacious parson you're at liberty to cite,
Get his due suspension ordered, causing you a just delight,
But that on his liberty its execution shan't encroach,
He's allowed to scout the order-through the Act to drive the coach !"
SECOND CITIZEN. True for you, beyond a doubt,
Freedom waxes very strong,
P'rhaps the sort we're best without-
Freedom to do any wrong!
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
HE promise made
A week ago
We've not delayed
S' Redeeming. No.
S:_- |As you'll suppose,
We've had some
In getting pro's"
To sit for us.
But Fo-" oft brings
To public view
The fact that things
Are very few
He can't achieve
.. With tact occult,
As you'll perceive
iFrom this result
Of sketching done
S1And money spent.
S .(It's Number One,
e paIa, ,l The Walking
a oA Bond-street suit,
An air half vain,
A patent boot,
A glove too -wee,
A length of limb,
The pantomime at Sadler's -Wells having been withdrawn, sMiss
Bateman is appearing in ofdry Warner, which, in its turn, will be
supplanted on Valentine's Day by Macbeth. Each of the baits thus
thrown out to the public are, perhaps, somewhat aged, but if the
Bateman-age to draw, so much the more honour to the bait-manage-
ment. At any rate, the very name of "the Wells" suggests drawing.
After the contemplated short run of the Vicar of Wakefield at the
Imperial, As You Like It will be the theme. The incidental songs and
glees will be carefully given, swell scenery and dresses have been
specially designed, and Miss Litton will herself play Rosalind, so it is
apparent that no effort has been spared to swell the Imperial
Mir. J. S. Clarke, who skips backwards and forwards between
England and America with an agility all his own-remaining but too
long under the stars and stripes for British playgoers--will shortly Leap
Year once more; appearing at the Olympic in a play of that name
about the 16th inst.
After all, persons seeking Mr. Wills's Stepnmother at the Duke's will
be disappointed. The Stepmother is Forced From Home.
Amos Clarke was shot dead when I last saw him, but Mr. Rignold
promises to revive him soon at the Connaught-it will be worth
Ninon will appear at the Adelphi on the 7th inst. The lady had a
large following in her day. For the sake of M3iss Wallis and the
management, I trust her history may repeat itself.
Of two plays-Ze Petit Abb' and ollotte--submitted by Madame
Chaumont to Mr. Pigott for license, only the latter has been passed,
for the curious and rather confusing reason that, althoughlollotte was
comparatively innocent, Le Petit AbbU was a low lot !
Russ in Urbe.
HoLY Russia has before this caught a Tartar, but, according to the
Courier, she recently caught several Tartars, who protested against the
cr'shing taxes imposed upon them; but the Governor having ordered
the whips to be prepared, they fell down on their knees and promised
to pay up. After this we should hardly think anyone will doubt the
eminently Christian character which this great nation professes, the
proof of her humane and civilised way of ruling seems to us a knout
and knout one.
AN EPISODE IN THE HISTORY OF JOHN THOMAS
WHEx Mr. John Thomas Goodie Goodie learned through his daily
paper that steps were being- taken for the formation of a church and
stage guild, that eminently respectable people were actually assisting
in tea parties given to ladies of the ballet, and that a popular bishop
had encouraged the play from the pulpit, he voted disestablishment
indispensable to the existence of the British Constitution. Goodie
Goodie hated theatres: in his eyes their pits were precursors of a pit
that is bottomless, their stages stages on the road to ruin, their
"gods" heathen images. But, alas! much as Goodie Goodie's wife and
family respected-I had almost said, feared-him, in their hearts
they nourished a yearning desire to visit that dreadful theatre, to taste
that, fruit which seemed so sweet because forbidden. Goodie Goodie,
who was or would be a local celebrity and great in matters parochial,
frequently took the chair at Penny Readings, which diluted dissipation
served pro tern. as a panacea to the depraved appetite of his family ;
but, sad to relate, that appetite grew until at last the Goodie Goodies,
except the head of that house, voted penny readings "not worth
twopence." Fortunately-I mean alas !-Nature has not cast many
mortals in the perfect mould of John Thomas Goodie Goodie.
One day that worthy announced over his matutinal toast that busi-
ness would probably detain him in the city until past midnight; this
announcement seemed to produce an exhilarating effect, and Goodioe
Goodie was in no small degree impressed with the warmth of the
filial Good-bye, papa !" which sped him citywards. When he
returned, late at night, he found the household wrapped in peaceful
To his intense mystification, each of the olive branches next
morning, on entering the breakfast room, substituted for the usual
greeting a plaintive chant of My gallant crew, G ood morning and
Mrs. Goodie Goodie announced in a mezzo soprano that she had tea
and she had coffee, and excellent toffee, and expressed her inability to
state why she was called a little buttercup, a term her husband had never
heard applied to her.
This was only the prelude to further mystery, for, on Goodie Goodie's
return home in the evening, his youngest son informed him that when
he was a lad he served a term as office boy in an attorney's firm," and
Goodie Goodie's astonishment reached a climax when, entering the
dining room, he found his wife, who would never see forty again, and
his daughters, all attired in pinafores, while his youngest son but one,
who began to violently shako hands with him and declare that some-
body was an E-e-e-e-e-c-c-c-e-e-e-nglishman, was rigged out as a
British tar and, by way of apology, explained that that "was his
"What's the meaning of all this tomfoolery ?" exclaimed Goodie
Goodie. "I never-" then he retired horror stricken, for, with one
movement, his whole family circle advanced with outstretched fingers
pointed towards him, and demanded in chorus "What never ?" Goodie
Goodie had been to that moment a total abstainer from strong lan-
guage, but under this irritation he yielded to a sudden impulse and
brought out a word commencing with an enormous D, whereupon his
smallest boy, Trtat 9 years, informed his little sister that the Captain
said Damn it' which intelligence was mutually communicated all
round the family circle.
Goodie Goodie rushed from the house, and in to-day's Times a
paragraph in the agony column implores him to return to the
bosom of his family, who will never-well, hardly ever-go to the
A Moving Matter.
AT Liverpool a regular prosecution or persecution of sandwich men
has taken place. This, to our thinking, is most uncalled-for, since a
more harmless or inoffensive set of creatures'than the poor, miserable,
broken-down individuals who perambulate the streets as advertising
mediums is not to be met with. We cannot call to mind any instance
of one getting into trouble, in fact, they seem so wrapped up with
their boards and their misery'as to be incapable of disorderly conduct.
There are many nuisances in the streets that ought to be put down,
for their noise is a crying shame," but we must protest against this
crusade against the sandwich man, who ought least of all to be
deprived of his bread.
Down, Down, Derry Dow
MINISTErS should try and find a new place
councils in, since nothing done in their present
has been "re-Downing to their credit.
Roe, Brothers, Roe
A I'ASTIDIors friend Of ours, after an evening
should have been fresh but were not, said:
homeless tramp, for I have supped on the high-
e to hold their Cabinet
meeting-place of late
meal of herrings, which
" Now I feel like a
[Fm. 4, 1880.
Fm]. 4, 1880.] FUN. 43
A LINGUIST. -1
I HAD a sweetheart, when a lad, .
Of whom it may be stated -. .
A blue-stocking she was, and had
At Girton graduated.
That is to say she would have done"
Had Girton then existed,
But somehow she was born too soon, .
So consequently missed it. : .
Did bearded rivals chance to come,
She took her place before 'em,
More than Mlagister Artium "-.
The fact, though, of her being a "Ma'am"
This wonder may unravel,
For at the motto place aux dames"
What Cavalier could cavil ?
Old musty tomes on vendor's stall
'Were milk and honey for her;
Tongues modern she could wag them all,
E'en dead ones lost their horror.
Digammas and Greek particles
Her logic disconcerted not,
Coquetting much with articles,"
-With humankind she flirted not.
So when I say I courted her,
I don't presume to vaunt, sir,
My expectations sanguine were I
Of favourable answer.
For I was but a Cantab wild,
At home for the vacation,
She, looking on me as a child,
Ignored my admiration.
At length resolved to know my fate,
At some resort of learning .
I heard her speak, then lay in wait
And pounced on her, returning.
"Aha I shouted, fairly caught "
Then 'gan to plead-she cut me short,
And said, Come, that will do;
Poor boy, his nerves are overwrought,"
Then wrote this puzzle quick as thought: A P OLE-AX ER.
N rtpvw, a pt 'b ou
N.*Pa enlt, Jue .T i/one quo ns Fisherman :-b ALL 'rUMBUG-NOT aBIN' ARLE TO FIND THE NORTH POLE.
i s ____ I IF THEY CAN'T FIND IT, LET mC AX THE QUESTION-W-IIO PUT IT THERE
Paddle your own canoe.
"ROUN ABOUT" TICEmagistrate remarked that it really didn't matter. Adulteration was
sRkUNDABOUT fMrSTICE now so common an element in our everyday life, and entered so
FROM a recent decision of one of our Courts of Equity it would generally, not only into everything we ate and drank, but into our
appear that nowadays justice is not onlyblind, but stone-deaf into the manners, our pretensions and sentiments, that everyone was quite
bargain. She does not hear the racket of shooting galleries, the accustomed to and never thought of making any bonos about it. The
vociferous screeching of two barrel organs, turned at the same time butterman would be discharged, but he would recommend him not to
by a steam roundabout, and playing different popular "melodies" come there again, as his colleague upon the bench might entertain
horribly out of tune. She withholds relief from suitors maddened by different views upon the subject.
the blatant and conflicting disturbances of a suburban pleasure-fair Thomas fauley was indicted for a violent and felonious assault
under their study and bedroom windows, on the ground that discord upon Peter Pillgarlic, with intention of doing him grievous bodily harm.
is a recognized element in certain modern schools of music; while she, The case being fully proved by the prosecutor, and the judge having
in the person of her genial mouthpiece upon the equity bench, has her- a immed up strongly against the prisoner, the jury, to the surprise,
self indulged in the sport of rifle practice in an iron tube. She has the Court, returned.s verdict of "not guilty without leaving the box.
been wont to "try her luck, gentlemen," at the "three shots a penny" The foreman justified the finding upon the ground that the jurymen
upon her own premises, without giving any offence to her neighbours were pretty well used to hard knocks, being all practised with the
on either side of her! and, if report is to be believed, Aunt Sally and gloves, while sonime of them ranked as very doughty bruisers. Any of
shying at cocoanuts are among the favourite private recreations of them would be glad to have a set-to with either the prosecutor or the
nineteenth century Justice in her own backyard. The beautiful prisoner, and would warrant to teach them both to give and take their
simplicity, profound sagacity, and refreshing originality of this ruling punishment like men.
will be more strikingly apparent when the precedent leads to such
decisions as the following:- Si le-hai-ly Obscure.
William Nokes was charged before Mr. Alderman withstealing a Single-air-ly Obscure.
silk handkerchief from the person of John Stiles. The ease being WHnx Pope wrote:
proved by the evidence of the complainant and a police constable, And beauty draws us with a single hair,"
who found the property upon the prisoner, the worthy alderman said he may have meant a "(single camel's-" hair" brush, though, how-
that he couldn't see much harm in picking pockets. In fact, he rather ever beautiful the fair artist may be, she could hardly complete a
enjoyed it-it was good fun running after a pickpocket, and first-rate portrait with only one sized brush! If we read it in another sense,
exercise, especially for short-winded people. When he was a young she would not be likely to obtain many sitters, if she persisted in
man he used to let his handkerchief hang out of his coat-tail pocket, drawing each with only a single hair"!
so that anyone that liked could pull it out, and he could then turn
round and chase them. He should discharge the prisoner with a A D er Joke.
etohn Smith, butterman, was summoned for selling an adulterated W HAT is the prominent difference between your bill of fare and the
article as pure butter. The offence being proved by a sanitaryinspeetor invited guests ? These are the men-u asked; the other, the meni
who purchased the article, and the chemist who analysed it, the ordered.
[FEB. 4, 1880.
" AND THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM."
Detectives arresting a prisoner.-(Our Art'st, who was on the spot, sent in this sketch labelled "Ruffians garotting a gentleman," but we were luckily informed
..of the mistake before going to press.)
Consolation of the afore-mentioned prisoner next morning, consequent onx being
called "a gentleman" by a magistrate I
The Board School which keeps the children out of the street.
The Government surveyor's inspection-a guarantee of safety.
Thq preservation of small birdr.
I'IFTJU N.--FEB. 4, 1880.
\a 1' ,
*"''U^ ttiaija^ JLLLL LLl
li^B^^UlaS~ml' ALL\\ll^ ^ ^T
/ ` 1
THE SWARMING OF THE BEES.
LET US HOPE THAT THERE WILL BE MORE HONEY AND LESS WAX IN THE HIVES THIS SESSION.
Man:-"I say, master, can't yer give us a shil'n' ; 1'ro turble
Farmer :-" Ah, Proctor, I always told you to look out for a rainy
Man :-" So I did, master; but I never thought it wur a-going to
snow." [Mfaster gives him a shilling.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT THE BIRD SHOW.
BIRDS-or feathered songsters of the grove, as I used to call them
when I was a penny-a-liner-have always been favourites of mine,
sir, and I willingly acted on your instructions to go and do the
Alexandra Palace Show-so willingly, in fact, that it might fairly be
said that I went "like a bird," not to say (bearing my bantering
disposition in mind) like a chaff "-inch !
It was a capital show, sir, and so large that I was engaged-or why
not be funny whilst I may and say "encaged "?-for several hours
in going from cage to cage and making notes on the prize-birds,
many of whom it is only fair to say could, and did, make notes for
themselves of the sweetest and mellowest description, which I cannot,
unfortunately, reproduce here. I can, however, reproduce the
corruscating witticisms with which I enlivened the Show; and I
would you could have heard the merry laugh that went round
amongst the ornithologists present when, in reply to the complaint of
a fellow journalist about the voice of a too-vociferous piping crow,.
your extra-special exclaimed cheerily, "Yes, it's 'note-y' but it isn't
This same crow guffawed so shrilly and so incessantly that I soon
made up my mind that it must be a prominent member of the
guffaw-ment," and this remark was also greeted with laughter.
To tell the truth, I was in one of my quippiest" humours, and it is
a pity I had no stenographic Boswell at hand to take down my
frequent facetimc, of which I cannot remember half. I do remember,
however, that, on passing the macaw class, when a reporter on my
right, pointing to a mischievous and knowing-looking old purple and
scarlet bird, said he thought it must have had an amusing history, I
replied, Of course it has ; you'll find all about it in Macaw-lay,'"
and from this you may judge of the general style of my efforts.
Amongst the parrots I refused to be funny, protesting that without
"pre-parrot-ory" study it was impossible. But in spite of this I
noticed that these birds, both Amazons and Greys, came to the bar
when called with all the alacrity of young barristers, and, like them,
took stuff "-any stuff," in fact, that you offered.
The canaries were the most numerous class in the Show, and they
took good care to literally notify the fact, and with notes, too, that
in some instances I should have liked to change. Of the Canary
whine," however, either from the wood or the wires, there was little,
the songs, as a rule, especially of the mealies," being most "mealie-
odious." The Norwich variety, naturally enough when you re-
member where Colman and Keen live, mustered in great force, not to
THE Greek Ministry has resigned.
A'riENs, Jan. 301h, 4p.m.
ATueis, Jan. 30th, later.
The news having si'ead. the whole of thi- (Ireek nation is
say mustard in colour, whilst the lanky, high-shouldered Belgian
birds, though out of Europe, ,ang-, strange to say, in-continently, if
you can make out how that could be.
Whilst looking at the siskins, a pat-y in a fur coat. who told inm he
had come from the Russian Eutlissy, asked me if [ had seen anything
of the leod Poles. When I showed hini the dar little songstcrs in
their cages he said something to himself- n:aughtv. I fear-- in Russ,
and then told me in confidence tI;hat he had cone, to tthe Palace
expecting to find some determiined revolutionary democrats from the
banks of the Vistula. He thought "' lcd-pois,''" in fact, were as
dangerous in their way as red Rlepuitlitc:a lFrenthit(n."
One of the most unique exhibits was a white blackbild, but I did
not notice a red blue-bird, a pink vellowh miner, or a purple green-
finch. Talking of finches, though, there was one uvenuei lined with
cages of chaff, haw, bramble, huil, and gold-finches, which irre-
sistibly reminded me of the Finchlev-road.
The cage and aviary department Nis well filled, and one maker so
especially distinguished himself that I dubbed him a Ca-ge (K.G., if
you please) on the spot.
Too many cooks were not allowed to spoil the ornitholot'gical broth
but one Cooke (Mr. J. S. of that ilk) did much to make the Show a
success, especially by his convenient nrrngemeont of descriptive cards,
which rendered catalogues well nigh unnntc:,ssary.
Numerous prizes were borne away by thli birds of thei various classes,
the magpies, I understand, not only carrying off their prizes, but
burying them in the Palace grounds, when, up to the time of my
writing this, they have not been exhumed.
In conclusion, sir, I must repeat tlhat th Bird Show was a notable
success; and not at all the "pet "-ty affair those maiden ladies who
sent their favourite, parrots or cockatoos would try to make out.
There were, in short, nearly 1,000 specimens on view, and most of
these were song-birds.
So there was no difficulty in pleasing call tastes ; and, in fact, as
I said at the time, it was c/aoin i song gyot !- Yah !
A SUITABLE OPENING.
S(The opening of Parliament, Feb. 5. 188S0.)
Now Britons who are dutif l,
Come, don your Sunday clothes,
And make yourselves up beautiful,"
For-what do you suppose ?-
To-day they open Parliament and (sight that's seldom seen)
They say it will be opened by HIIer Majesty the Queen.
Then think of wars untearfully,
Ignoring what they cost,
Face trade-depression cheerfully.
And never mind the frost;
And never mind the starving cries of picor pig-headed Pat-
The Queen will open Parliament-there Only think of that
But mark. ye Representatives.
Attend to Mr. FVx,
The merely argumentative's
A trifle overdone;
Pray be a little practical-old England is depressed.
'Tis yours to set her up again, so do your level best."
You're few of you irrational,
As England proudly sees,
But give us more of national,"
And less of Party," please.
And he who helps old England once again n I"ortuirne's track,
Conservative or Liberal, we'll pat him on the back.
A Chattering Sparrow.
A mAN named Sparrow has got into trouble by protesting in public
against part of a sermon preached by Archdeacon Bathurst in Long-
ford Church. The divinm having made reference to the South-Sea
Bubble, Mr. Sparrow got up and asserted that that event was afore
the Archdeacon's time," and therefore denied that hIe iould know any
thing about it. Of course the objection was obviously out of place,"
and Mr Sparrow is now in compulsory .retirement, from whence he will
doubtless not emerge (as he is so particular in thei matter of dates)
" afore his time."
Latest from Greece.
FEB. -4, 1880.]
[Fr.Ei. 4, 1880.
First Bibulous Party:-" DRINK, DEAR HOY, DERIANOESH THE NERVES, DESTROYSIH THE
STOMACH (hie), PRODUCES DISEASE, SO WHY DO INTELLIGENT MEN GIVE WAYS TO ITSH, WHATSH
THE CAUSE ?-EVEN DR. EiICIHARSON CAN'T TELL USH WHIATSH THE ORGAN OF DIRUNKENESSH.'
Second B. P. :-" ORGAN 0' DRUNKENESSH-VIIATSIl THE ORGAN 0' DIRUNKENESSH? --HY,
THE .'VREL ORGAN, OF COURSH."
A CORRESPONDENT of the Times has
written a letter headed, Ether as a De-
tector of Faulty Drainage." From the
writer's remarks, it seems to be a case,
with him, of How happy could I be
Statistics show that during thelast eleven
months 1,032,751 worth of oranges and
lemons were imported. This shows what a.
juiced lot of fruit we cat.
Arthur Grain, found guilty of trying to
blackmail Dr. Bury, on hearing his
sentence (12 years' penal servitude) was
removed in a prostrate condition. We
thought the verdict would somewhat go
against the Grain."
Sir Henry Layard has telegraphed that
help is much needed in Mossul. Charity
begins at home. Our neighbours in Ireland
have also not a iMossul in some parts.
The latest invention (need we say from
America?) is a screw-propeller swimming
machine, by which a man can screw-
propel himself at the rate of five miles an
hour. This ought to be a great acquisition
if properly managed.
Weather or No.
THE storms predicted from America to
arrive on our coasts during the month of
January not having duly come to hand,
Mr. Plant writes to the Telegraph and
maintains that it is simply impossible for
a storm to be foretold at a distance of
3,000 miles. Of course, this may be so,
but our Yankee friends are so cute that
it is quite possible this is only another
instance of the supply not being equal to
sample. It must be admitted that they
used to be reliable, and it will not do to
put it down to a clerical error, though the
Clerk of the Weather is liable to pressure
of business, for the atmospheric pressure
lately has been excessive. We would
suggest that, as our Storm Warnings "
have undoubtedly been faulty, it would be
as well to give America a warning-that
their predictions must be delivered punc-
tually, otherwise they are useless.
THESE are about the only things in
connection with which it can be asserted
that objects become conspicuous by their
absence," and indeed the one thing that
is clear about them is that they are always
None o' your Blarney.
TWENTY female flax-spinners were fined
2 each at the Blarney Petty Sessions for
going on strike. Moral for Irishmen who
have a striking tendency, spin a yarn.
BY NO MEANS A SMALL CA'.-A French
ell is 54 inches in length.
Reverend Recruiting Sergeants. THE WAIL OF THE WAG.
vicariouslyM wife she constantly pooh-pooh"s
Now that country clergymen have been asked to act-" vicariously," My best endeavours to amuse,
of course-on behalf of the recruiting sergeants of the Grenadier And talks of "boredom and "the blues."
Guards, and to send up recruits to head-quarters, they are inquiring,
in turn, how much per man it is proposed to allow them in their new And when I think I've made a hit,
business; and certainly it only seems fair that if the proposed plan of And dazzled with some flash of wit,
clerical recruiting agents is a "fees-ible" one, the rural parsons should She laughs at me and not at it.
duly receive their fees! By the way, too, if ordinary parsons can
recruit for the Guards, surely canons when at home in their own Ir hats and caps of every description are always on hanf'," what is
parishes would be the very men to recruit for the Royal Artillery the good of them ?
[FE] 4, 1880.
FEB. 4, 1880.]
THE WITNESSES IN WAITING.
IT waO a merry lawyer, and his client, and the pair
Were talking very earnestly regarding some affair;
Sail the lawyer, "It's as sweet a case as ever I was in ;
liu glad we've undertaken it, it's certain we shall win.
Although, of course, we must collect our evidence with care--
You mentioned that your witnesses were scattered here and there ?
No matter-we must have 'em, sir; and that without delay;
I'll write to them to hurry up, however far away.
The client smiled a beaming smile; there might be some expense-
The number of the witnesses was, certainly, immense-
He knew he'd have their fares to pay, and possibly their keep ;
But the human bosom's yearning after victory is deep ;
And victory one's surplus cash is well-invested in.
The client smiled a beaming smile-he felt that he should win.
Delighted at the holiday, the witnesses in scores
Came trooping from the distantest and far-remotest shores :
In fact, the very nearest and adjacentest of these-
Comparatively handy-were the far Antipodees;
Four most important witnesses of mighty weight and worth
Inhabited respectively a corner of the earth.
And all the other witnesses for whom the lawyer wrote
Were settled in localities exceedingly remote.
The happy client paid their fares without a single frown,
And lodged them most superbly in the best hotel in town;
He did it all without a twinge, an effort, or a tweak,
Although he might be called upon to keep them for a week.
" 0, client dear," the lawyer said, "the Courts, I understand,
Have got a little muddled with the work they hae t in hand;
The judge has been so silly as to get into a fix
In tryiAg te negotiate the business of six ;
Oar ease Will not, in consequence, be taken for awhile'."
"Oh, dear, it doesn't matter," said the client, with a smile.
Ite had to keep the witnesses another month or two,
Which simply was a duty it delighted him to do ;
Hic gaily went and called for them, and treated them at nights
To 'operas and pantomimes, and other London sights.
They made a very goodish show within the drama's halls
ky Killing aI the boxes, and the circle, and the stalls.
MAd aftar half-a-dozen weeks, they all appeared to say,
" Ottr absence from our business occasions ev'ry day.
A- loss'vf fifty pounds or so, and so we thought you might
Be itling to refund it P" And he answered, "With delight."
0, client," said the lawyer, in his sweet, contented way,
" The merry long vacation, it commences from to-day;
or, say a dozen weeks or so, the Courts will cease to sit,
*And I shall take a holiday for just a little bit ;
Let's see-you have some witnesses ? You either send them down
To spend the time at home, you know, or let them stop in town."
The client smiled his gayest smile, and went with cheerful voice
To tell his host of witnesses and give them all their choice;
These answered unreservedly : We willingly will stay-
Vacations not to -prejudice the fifty pounds a day."
The client murmured joyfully: A dozen weeks-or less'!-
And then the -long vacation ends-and then-and then-succasso "
'And thi, so buoved and comfort.-], this little inward speech,
Se went and '-bghtthe -witnesses a new umbrella each.
And Tune, who flies so rapidly-old Time, our ancient friend-
Soon brought the long vacation and its waiting to an end;
In fact, the happy client had been o:..upied so well
In selling out securities to pay that big hotel,
The hour-glass, as it seemed to him, had hardly lost a grain,
When lo he found his lawyer and the judges back again.
0 client," said the lawyer, with contentment in his fac',
Some little technicalities connected with the case
Decidedly necessitate adjournment for awhile."
"How charming said the client, with his custonmary :ailie.
Some years had passed since this remark, and (as may be intfo red)
Some other interruptions and delaying had occurred.
The client had begun to find he couldn't quite so well
Afford to keep his witnesses in that superb hotel;
He rented them a palace (and I think that he was wise%
And found a big contractor to provide them with supqplie-.
And oft he had a vision of that future (during sleep),
When all this host of witnesses would not be his to keep.
"O, client," said the lawyer, when a fresh decade had gei',,
I fancy that our little case will soon be coming on :
Let's see-I think you spoke about some witnesses ? said lie ;
And the client he admitted that there might be two or three.
The client was becoming rather antiquated now.
Yet lightsome was his carriage and unfurrowed was his 'row :
And there dwelt a fixed expression of contentment in his face,
Engendered by the certainty of winning in the case.
0 father," said the witnesses-(they always styled him thus)--
Our ways are greatly altered since your tirst engaging ts :
You've kept us all in leisure : we've enjoyed it very much ;
And now we're getting far too old for business and such:
We, therefore, come, believing you'll be willing to discuss
Some permanent and comfortable settlement for u.s -
Some home in which existence might be ended in ;a dream."
The client he expressed himself delighted with the scheme.
He, therefore, built an institute, imposing, on a hill:
Endowed it with the property remainingto him still;
And placed his aged witnesses in comfort on the shelf ;
And then obtained an order for the works for himself.
Ha has said it, and if it isn't so very greatly to his credit, 'he
remains a tragedi-an: ballet-girls are not actresses. There's no
appeal; the peal of him of the Bell. is unanswerable. The ladies of
the ballot may be ladies, and may be beautiful, and, of course, always
are good-they are not actresses. The mean and paltry precisians
who asserted that women who act are actresses, and that a considerable
number of ballet-dancers act very well indeed, are utterly routed and
discomfited. Mr. Irving knows more about acting than all .the
grammarians, and he himself has said it, &c. Some early and ghastly
results of this fiat are already reported. The magistrates have 'been
overhauling their books and expunging the title in all those entries
where "So-and-so, an actress," is followed by the significant words,
"drunk and disorderly." The brothers, the cousins, and the-uniole of
forty-nine dancers have called upon Mr. Irving, with the ardable
object of leading him a dance. Highgate is quite full of-iirte gentle-
men with thick sticks ; and at the moment we write, bearers of hostile
messages from all the military clubs in the West as:, arriving by the
Nor is this the worst. The columbines that cill to inquire if they
are actresses are innumerable, whatever else they may be. The
gentlemen who remark "The carriage waits," would like to know
the great justiciary's opinion about them. The clowns and pantaloons
have made common-excessively common-cause, and would jest like
to blooming well hear him say a word against their acting, that's all.
The skipping-rope juveniles can't think that he meant them, and the
mammoth comiques don't care a cuss if he does include them.
What a Falling Off was There."
FROM the fact that during the last twelve months the quantity of
tobacco upon which duty was paid has decreased to the extent of
659,454 lb., it will be seen that the outcry against the increased tax
has not "ended in smoke." The most casual observer, even he who
takes a mere bird's eye view of these returns, must admit with .'/-k in
the failure of the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Apparently the
smoker of an ounce has contented himself with half an ounce, and we
shall be very surprised if Sir Stafford does not announce a reduction in
the impost, in fact he is in duty bound to do so. He must rememtWi
that the present are not "the pipmng times of peace."
A x B.nr.u for Birmingham's favourite adage : --Always look nitla
Bright :side of things.
Howayvn great may be the men of other countries, Scb-tlainlcanu
boast of Bigger men.
[FEn. 4, 1880.
~1 ~ I *-'
Squire:-" GOT YOUR EYE IN MOURNING AGAIN I SEE, PAT!"
Pat:-" OI HAVE! IT'S IN MOURNING' FOR THE IATIN' I GAVE THAT B]IRUTE EAFFERTY THIS DAY !"
JUSTICE FOR JOURNALISTS.
JUSTICE is far too nice to be meted-sweet-meated--out cheaply to!
anybody abiding in the land of the free. It's none of your two-
penny-halfpenny simple Code Napoleon kind of articles, but a good
complicated old puzzle that's worth its price to any man. But,
perhaps, when the man's only a journalist they do pile on the costs a
little too freely.
There was the famous case of Dredger. Dredger was base and dis-
reputable enough to keep a journal devoted to the interests of professed
cooks, which was regarded by that class as the exponent of their ideas, and
wants, and wrongs. Dredger saw a Cook's Grand Soir6e advertised
all over the town, and, like the rash rascal he was, went to see it.
Instead of the professed cooks, he noticed nothing but a lot of im-
postors, proficient in the making of mud-pies and nothing else,
with now and then, perhaps, a potato-can man, or a wench who could.
just manage a rasher. And in the height of his absurd care of his
clients, he said all this, proved it, or could have proved it, if he had
had a chance; and then, for telling the truth, was hauled up like a
criminal, made to take his trial, and, being innocent, only lost about
five hundred pounds by the business. It is, perhaps, a pound or two
too much, when you come to think of it.
Another (of course) corrupt scribbler has been actually locked up
because an employed printed a signed libel without his knowledge, and
he only apologised and offered to pay damages for the inadvertence.
We don't wonder that Mr. Cross refuses to let him out-particularly
as he wrote against the Government, and the Turkish Ambassador
hasn't demanded his release. Theodorides only swindled.
These elegant little extracts from the history of the Fourth Estate
go far to show that there's quite enough justice for journalists-only
that it comes rather dear now and then-admitting the hypothesis
that journalists require to live.
NOTICE !-On Wednesday next,
THE VALENTINE DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN.
PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.
Now Ready, Two Shillings and Sixpence; by post, Three Shillings,
Companion to THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By J. F. SULLIVAN.
Now Beady, One Shilling, by post, Is. 2d.,
IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FRED. BARNARD.
Fun Office, Fleet-street, E.C.
SruIiut n SUPER QUALITIES.
t S E E SEE THAT EACH
o mVWUUUMl REEL BEARS THE
g I R11 G TRIANGLE TICKET.
S -ASK YOUR
? flt DRAPER. OR
eCOTT NM OTHEa.
CAUTION.-lfCoe- thickens these c t proves the addition ofstkreh
Ie k.ij ot. ;
pall is n e,.
As Supid -oAe:
Printed by JUDD & CO Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street E.C.-London, February 4, 1880.
FEB. 11, 1880.] F U N 51
A VALENTINE FOR MAY.
0, 13eT May is bonny in her bright glad spring !
0, but May is bonny in her light long day,
And her laugh is like what silver bells may ring,
Chasing all the darkness of the clouds away.
Dlythe is she and bonny in the summer morn,
Beaming' like a newly-gathered posio fair,
Nestling like a flow'rot in the ripening corn,
Happy and contented as the soft, warm air.
All so laughing, full of life, when snow lies cold
Over moor and mountain and on grassy lea,
For her heart is warm and true as virgin gold,
Beaming in her eyes and smiles so bonnily.
0, but May is bonny in her bright blue eye,
p,I! ,, '. with a gladness when the heart doth sing,
And each heart is merry when sweet May is nigh,
]Blushing in her beauty like a morn in spring.
I.1- I-.._ in her beauty, which is rich and rare, -
But the beauty of her heart is rarer still;
Her sweet lips are cherry red, and her cheek is fair,
And her voice like music of the rippling rill.
Rich and rare the rose that's like to bonny May,
Clinging in her love like the sweet eglantine,
Happy shall he be who, in the springtide day,
Wins this little darling for his Valentine.
VARIOUS VALENTINE VERSES.
THE PREMIER TO DAME BRITANNIA.
BRITANNIA lot me still be thine-
Once more thy seven years' Valentine !
Say, do I ask in vain ?
For till an answer thou shalt yield
I cease to be Lord Beaconsfield,
And Dizzy am again.
TO THE LATEST PORTIA.
(From a Far-gone Playgoer.)
O cruel maid, I bleed afresh ;
Than Shylock far less kind thou art.
Hlie only claimed a pound of flesh,
But thou hast taken ALL MY HEART !
MISS ERIN HIBERNIA TO M3. C. S. PARNELL, M.P.
You ne'er my Valentino shall be,
Too petty are your ways for me,
You cut too mean a figure;
Small, very small to me you seem,
Nor should I you more worthy deem
If you by chance were Biggar !
TO MR. II. IRVING.
(From a Fair Admirer.)
'Tis Leap Year, Mr. Irving, so I'm able, I opine,
Without misconduct to declare I'll be your Valentine ;
And on the strength of that, I pray, take this small hint from me,
When you play Shy-lock pitch your voice in a more bashful key."
A SPIRITED VALENTINE."
(Lines enclosed with a bottle of the Lorne Highland Whiskey.)
Your spirits," pet, have ne'er been good
Whilst I'm away--that's understood-
My absence can't be borne ;
But if this Valentine you try,
Henceforth, methinks, that you, like I,
Will gladly be for-Lorne" !
Bulns are traditionally siupposcd to pair on Valuntine's Day. Nor
is this, though a-pair-ently odd, odd in reality-,.ince pairs mstl
always he even.
Ware next ?
THE man who said he was undoubtedly a-warc lies been sent p1)
to the potteries to be made into a dinner-service. Another proof of
the "ware-ious uses to which human beings may be turned.
VOL. XXXI.-No. 770.
52 FU N [FEB. 11, 1880.
NEVER THOUGHT OF IT I
Ladies:-" HAD MANY VALENTINES THIS MORNING, JOHN?"
,John:-" NA, NA, YOUNG LADIES, NOT ME; ASPECTSS YER FORGOT TU SEND 'EM TU ME THIS TIMEE"
MR. FUN AT THE MANSION HOUSE.
"MOTLEY's the only wear," said Jaques. And honest Jaques was right.
And, really, motley was the only wear the other night.
No other wear approaches it, would Mr. FUN proclaim,
And sundry hundred other persons seemed to think the same.
And this the gay occasion when the Lady Mayoress
Resigned her city palace to the reign of fancy dress !
The brightest, brilliantest "At Home" that ever flourished there,
Where Mr. F'N was so at home-for motley was the wear !
Where splendour, harmony, and taste so happily were blended
That ov'ryone was sorry when the evening was ended.
When fun in its exalted sense reigned paramount, supreme,
While humour swayed its sceptre with an unaccustomed gleam.
For there upon the crumb-cloth of the grand Egyptian Hall,
In picturesque confusion, were arrayed the great and small
Of all the grades and classes of all periods and time,
The gay and sad, the good and bad, the comic and sublime,
Appealing to the sense in their portrayals of the real-
Appealing to the senses in attempting the ideal.
With Crusoe, Clown, and Cavalier, Cat, Capucin, and King,
Snow, moonlight, and a flowing stream, night, folly, summer, spring !
A past age greets the present 'mid kaleidoscopic prisms-
Sink private, social, national, sink all antagonisms.
For see the gloomy Huguenot escorting Serpolette,
That Sans-culotte enfold the waist of Marie Antoinette.
And see that booted jockey, really jockey to the fair,"
Quadrilling with a lady who would personate Black care."
Observe that turban'd Pacha o'er that Grecian maiden bent-
No line of frontier dares to mar their line of argument.
Observe sweet Amy Robsart how she threads the mazy valse-
And who prevents her falling ? Varney ei-devant the false !
Observe that stately Roman with his eyes agleam with fun
Retailing something laughable to Attila, the Hun.
Though May can never hit it" with December they may sing,
Yet see how Snow drifts through the valse that's called the Kiss
And see that dainty Deviless and holy Friar glum-
'Tis evident Cucullus-here-non facit monachum; "
And see that cook-in satin though he prosecutes his trade-
Repairing to the Yellow Room all armn'd with Joan the maid;
See flaming Mephistopheles, complaining of the heat,
Retiring to the vestibule with timid Marguerite.
Observe how very recklessly that Gipsy lass behaves-
She takes an introduction through a set of arrant Knaves."
See in the further drawing-room that snowy Thomas cat
Close seated to a Peacock with her tail upon the mat.
See Touchstone glance at Folly with the arrows of his eyes-
He seems to be attempting "to shoot Folly as she flies,"
The Union Jack and Russian Bear exchange a friendly glass,
And Bismarck has surrendered to a Lancers with Alsace.
And see that other jockey who, as merry as a grig,
Is talking to a lady who helps man ye captayne's gygge."
See, whirling to the measure of the flowing Pluic d'or
The golden lilies close enfold a little tricolor."
See Falstaff laying down the law to Shakspere & la Tupper,
Then pairing with a Turquo and Nautch-girl in the queue for
See Music, like her prototype, possessed of many charms,
Gyrating to A toi in a Savage's brown arms.
And see that sable Domino a promenade suggest
To the little Water-lily which he wears upon his breast.
See those and other combinations humorous and rare,
And FUN reflected in the eyes of everybody there.
All that did Mr. FUN behold-thereat did he rejoice-
For what so dear to him as mirth and humour's happy voice ?
He felt so glad to find that that which is his conscious soul
Had entered so unconsciously their spirits on the whole ;
And when he went away, with fond and happiest regrets,
He felt he owed his noble host the heaviest of debts-
This furtherance of FuN's great aims, of which he is so fond-
He turned and slow saluted the occasion with his wand.
The fane of subtle humour was the Mansion House, in fine;
And Mr. FUN had worshipped at his own peculiar shrine!
FEB. 11, 1880.]
ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.-BEATING ABOUT THE SUBJECT.
An iley-coloured one.
The FOURTEENTH !
Collected at the right time,
But retarded in delivery.
Composing a pretty one Sending off an ugly one.
Sending off an ugly one.
Composing a pretty one.
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
DRAMATIC TYPES.-No. 2. THE CHAMBERMAID.
~-, l_ ROCEEDING through
,- ,' The list of
SWe now disclose,
.With hair in curl
And rounded arm,
S.. The servant-girl
S\ Girls off the stage,
4 Where'er the y
SReceive their wage
To do the work-
1 To use the tub-
SI Tend each who
i-il Not so the sub-
SJect of these lines.
S1i ~er duties this
S-I W't-(---. -. VWay seem to
,-. To be her mis-
____ / __\ Tress' bosom
To whom she gives
S)What she'd not
S Her relatives).
The villain's plan;
To love (and jeer)
The comic man ";
In robber den,
Or pirate lair,
To chaff the men,
And pull their hair.
A manner pert,
A saucy y30,
A scanty skirt,
A sharp reply,
Are traits that you
Will find displayed
In-" Number 2,
On Monday, the 23rd inst., Mr. Bruce assumes the guardianship of
the Prince of Wales's, when Miss Genevieve Ward will appear in
Forqet-me-Not. With such a guardian and such a Ward there is,
perhaps, small chance of forgetfulness on the part of the public.
I hear that Mr. and Mrs. Kendal at the St. James's are to appear in
a new piece by their Smith-I beg pardon, Theyre Smith, Esq. It
is to be called The Castaways, I understand. As there are but two
characters-one male and one female-it is not very probable that
the-er-cast-er-weighs heavily on the management. As soon, by the
way, as The Queen's Shilling is passed-I meanpast-a comedy by Mr.
A. W. Dubourg will be presented.
They say Mr. Mi. B. Leavitt, an American manager, is coming to
England to organism a comic-opera and burlesque company. I see no
reason to dis B. Leavitt.
I have already alluded to the forthcoming revival of As You Like It
at the Imperial. I don't doubt that Miss Litton's performance of
Rosalind will rouse all ind-ifferent persons to enthusiasm, but, if what
I am told is true, the acting of Miss Helen Cresswell, who comes from
the provinces to play Celia, will cause to Celia approval.
I have just received The Entr'aete Annual for the current year;
it bristles with portraits of theatrical celebrities of all kinds from the
clever pencil of Mr. Alfred Bryan. I have not Alfred the literary
matter yet, but I see Mr. Burnand discourses of the stage uncle with
uncle-ouded humour, Mr. Ross gives us another anecdote of the immortal
Sloperandhislow per-pensities. (!) Mr. Dowty propounds what no doubt
he considers a feasible scheme, and Mr. Roece and others put in a more
[FEB. 11, 1880.
than recceo-pectable appearance. You cannot call sixpence for this
For the last week I have been Imouting and sticking red-hot pins
into a man who said that Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan's new play
ought to have been called The Pirates of Pen's Cousins, Pen's Sisters,
and Penzance. NESTOR.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AS A VALENTINE WRITER.
.Mr life has been a varied one, sir, as you are aware, but I think it
will be news even to you, who know so much of my antecedents,*
to learn that at one period of my chequered career I was attached to a
valentine manufactory in the Seven Sisters'-road as Poet-in-ordinary
and Rhyme-maker-General to the establishment. .
My room was at the very top of the premises, and during the time
of our greatest pressure, from September that was, when I had
finished off my Christmas-card work, to the end of the year, my pro-
prietor used to keep me locked up in it day after day till I had
produced my half-gross of verses, six dozen stanzas having been fixed
as the number I had to turn out diurnally.
He was a curious man was my proprietor, his name being Ebenezer
Gamlin, and he had formed most peculiar theories as to the effect of
diet on a poet's brain. Thus he used to change my bill of fare
according to the class of- verse I had to do; for he sold what are
known in the trade as "penny uglies," as well as the sentimental
kinds of goods. On the days when his artist, who was shut up in an
attic opposite mine, was drawing spiteful pictures I used to have
plenty of curry and hot pickles, and highly peppered dishes brought
to me, whilst I always knew when my erotic muse was to be appealed
to by finding a pot of honey and a spoon placed beside my inkstand
when I commenced my labours, whilst for my dinner everything,
from the sweetbreads to the glass of fruity port at the end of the
meal, was chosen with a view to its sweetness, my master's only
regret being, I think, that lihe could not send me up slices of bread-
and-butter cut from a sugar-loaf for my tea.
Whether it was the diet or not I do not pretend to say, but I
certainly wrote some very striking verses during the two seasons 1
was Gamlin and Co.'s poet. So bitter were many of my spiteful
stanzas, and so ardently amorous my love verses, that the valentines on
which they appeared were specially sought after by jealous and infatu-
ated customers ; and l1Mr. Ebenezer Gamlin received many warm letters
of acknowledgment from purchasers who, thanks to some specially
persuasive quatrain of mine, had secured a wife when all other efforts
had proved vain, or brought a long standing courtship to a happy end.
I have copies of these letters now, sir, deposited amongst the family
archives; and have actually stood as godfather to babes whose parents
owed their union to a peculiarly ardent couplet of mine inscribed in
the scroll of a three-and-sixpenny fancy valentine (in a box).
Looking at the valentines of the day, sir, I find that the versification
has fallen off sadly. Never oven on my worst afternoons, when I was
grinding out the last few of my six dozen, with a bad sick headache,
perchance, and a broken chilblain or two on my feet to boot,f did I
write such wretched stuff as is now thought good enough even for
the higher-priced valentines. No, sir, laugh at me if you will, but I
felt the poetic fire burn in me then, even when I wrote verses at so
much, or rather so little, the gross; and 1 often imagine where
Tennyson might have been had I found a wider scope for my poetic
talent at the time of which I speak.
Say, for instance, I had gained the post of poet at Moses and Sons,
for which I applied, I might have at once come to the front, for then
the ode, the epic, the narrative poem in appropriate "fits," and, in
short, all the various forms of verse, would have been open to me.
But as a valentine writer I had at the most but four lines into which
to throw my soul or express my feelings, being further handicapped
by Gamlin insisting on the word valentine always finishing the last
line of each stanza. So, feeling I could never ride Pegasus under
such conditions, I determined to give up my post when Gamlin retired.
It was as well I did, for his successor had no need for an original
poet of my calibre. He adopted a much cheaper means of supplying
himself with verse. He advertised 4t the beginning of each season in
all the papers "To POuTS," and called on all such as cared to write
"Love Verses" at high remuneration to apply, enclosing not less
than 12 sample stanzas, to "So and So" at a certain address. Well,
sir, of course scores and hundreds used to answer his advertisements.
As you may suppose, none of them ever heard from him again.
Why, indeed, should he trouble to write ? All he had to do was to
use the samples, and when they were exhausted advertise "To PoErs"
again, giving a different address. So the poets don't get things
entirely their own way, yon see, sir, even in these aesthetic days !
There have been hard-up times, alas, when my "aunty "-cedents were
rather closely associated with my uncle," but no matter I-Y. E -S. R.
+ When I say to boot, I don't mean I had my boots on, for that with broken
chilblains on one's toe is well-nigh impossible. To'slipper," therefore, would,
perhaps, be the more appropriate term to use. Y.E.-S.R.
V UN'.---VLB. 11, 1880,
LEAP YEAR-ST. VALENTINE'S DAY,
PRIESTESSES OF HYMEN CONDUCTING VICTIMS TO SACRIFICE.
( O r
FEB. 11, 1880.]
THE TRIUMPHANT UGLY ONE.
THERE are many unfortunate wights
Who are such irredeemable frights
That those who have met 'em
Can never forget 'em-
Such downright deplorable sights.
There are some who have somehow achieved
Ill-favour so strangely conceived,
One fears it may grieve them
To seem to perceive them,
And feigns to ignore them, relieved.
There are some in whose features combine
Such startling effects in design,
Whenever they're sighted
Hope's bosom is blighted,
And comfort and cheerfulness pine.
Again, there are some-but a few-
Presenting each possible hue,
Complexion, and flavour
Of facial ill-flavour,
Distributing terror at view.
But Bunter was plainer than these
By ever so many degrees,
In person and features
The worst of these creatures
Contrasted with Bunter would please.
Now, there was a day in the year
Brimfull of rejoicing and cheer,
And kept with most hearty
Content by this party,
And greeted with skittles and beer.
On ev'ry St. Valentine's Day
He'd rise with the earliest ray ;
His hair he would oil it,
And as for his toilit,
You never saw any so gay !
For his features (as ugliness must),
Creating alarm and distrust,
Had turned the affections
Of all his connections
To loathing and open disgust.
Though rigidly keeping aloof,
They felt that some sort of reproof
Were visited rightly
On one so unsightly-
And in the offender's behoof.
And lo! as they plotted to frame
Some suitable method of blame
While keeping their distance,
To give them assistance
The day of St. Valentine came.
The very idea !-to be sure;
They'd send him a caricature
Ill-favoured and frightful-
The plan was delightful,
And safe for effecting a cure.
They hunted in every street
For the ugliest prints they could meet;
Then each of them sent him
(To make him repent him)
A wildly satirical sheet.
These strictures he carefully scann'd-
His form was observed to expand
With chuckle on chuckle-
1He had to unbuckle-
He shook himself thrice by the han.l.
And why ? Those remarkable prints
Were feeble and impotent hints
Of Bunter's proportions,
With all their contortions,
Obliquities, hobbles, and squints;
In fact, they were tame and demure-
Mere likenesses, simple, and pure,
Of passable faces,
Compared with his graces-
And he was the caricature.
Their tints were the tamest affairs
To his-(though the thought of 'em scares)-
I've warrant in saying
IHis colours went straying
More over the edges than theirs.
Reflecting his plan for a space,
He sought a photographer's place;
With purpose unshaken
He caused to be taken
Some eartes-de-visite of his face.
And then having coloured them well-
To the life-he exposed them to sell;
The people came buying
Too fast for supplying-
His fortune's too mighty to tell.
-- ARROWS all begin to twitter,
-', Though the eastern breeze is
For their little hearts are warm;
,' 1 Budding love the air will soften,
__ Singing early, singing often,
.. Through the cruel sleet and
Love, that wakes the soul unbidden,
ss' Pure, and for a long time hidden,
S' Like the snowdrops out of sight,
p Evermore with ceaseless yearning,
i Those bird-hearts to love are turn-
As the snowdrops seek the light !
". Darling, in the season's waking,
Time by his grey forelock taking,
Let us wreaths of snowdrops
Let us try the bliss of cooing,
Let us warm our hearts with wooing,
Let us quaff the draught divine !
"Perf-humorous and others all Scent."
Ma. RuIMEL, the "head-centre" of perfumers, will decidedly make
St. Valentine's Day "a dangerous time for the impecunious lover
this year. Every engaged lady will at once "give up" her sweet-
heart should he' not send her one of Mr. Rimmel's pretty pretties,
which are more charming even than usual. The carping critic who
does not believe in comic work will melt at Mr. Rimmel's humorous
valentines, of which he makes a speciality this year. Reader, if you
are a married man, send a swcot-scented thing to ma-in-law. N.B.-
Amiability for the rest of the year.
An ice Game.
THE novelty of cricket on the ice was recently rendered additionally
novel by the introduction of dogs for fielding. The match was between
the teams of Swansea and':Cadoxton, and so successful were the dogs at
their work that we wonder the idea has not a cur'd to some one before.
Swansea scored 126, but Cadoxton managed to make no less than 341, and
we expect the first named will take an early opportunity of retrieving"
their fallen fortunes.
60 FU N [FEs. 11, 1880.
GOOD THINGS TO SAY
ON THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY TO ONE'S
k AM\% MN
Oh, pleeceman, speak the passion of your MIy charming cook, as on the steps you Ared to the art, with you is fancy bread; "Buy-bay," you cry; I hear } ou down
heart, stay, Joy greet thy steps, though skie- be the street;
And of its thrilling anguish be revealer, Your liquid eyes a love tale seem to dull and showery, Fresh meat you sell-at all events, you
Let Cooky learn the pains of Cupid's tell, The path which you in your profession try;
dart, With roguish eloquence they coyly say, tread, But no, my butcher, you I will not meet,
When for her love, my pleeeman, Will no one come to ring this area Can't help itself, you know-it mustlbe Id rather wave my hand and cry," Bye-
you're appeal lr. belle ?" flour-y. bye."
PAGE BOY. SOLDIER. FOOTMAN. COACHMAN.
Oh, page boy, cease poor me to persecute, Talk not, I beg, of battle's horrid fray, "Who drives fat oxen should himself be Oh, coachman, that sweet smile my heart
Your form reveals your nature is a Fright not with tales of wars, you fat," has won I
glutton's; vaunting varlet, At my quotation, Thomas, do not Harnessed together on life's road we'll
I'd have you know I loathe and hate your Boast not your wounds and scars-come, laugh, go;
suit; come, I say, For I would prove by sim'iar reasoning And side by side contentedly we'll run-
I have a soul, I tell you, above You know your only scar's your coat of that I'll take you, Jeha dear, for wheel and
buttons. scar-let. Who cultivates his calves mustbe a calf. whoa.
PLATO NIC. I fancy each of us contrives
To neither wish nor dread the morrow.
A VALENTINE ADDRESSED TO Her. -Through our short span a single day
Has differed little from another ;
ANOTHER year old Chronos sums, Yet years have brightly passed away
To prove how hours and epochs moulder, Since first I loved you-as a brother.
Another flitting moment" comes,
And tells us we're a year the older. The year that's gone was fairly fair,
Your heart displays no feelings fine, And brought its meed of pains and pleasures,
Yet slight of mine I feel would stab it, I think I'm thinner in the hair,
So here's the friendly Valentine And little richer in my treasures.
I always send from love-and habit. But Time's a thing one can't defer,
As one grows older one discovers;
Our lives are not sensation lives, One thing I hope may ne'er occur,
We've joy enough and little sorrow; That Time should part we friendly lovers."
FEB. 11, 1880.] FUT 61
1. Of rcurer, i1 ere'll be a lot of iuon'nz to ratch the post.
2. Angils Angling. Design for a fres'o in tLe mw House of La'ies.
3. La4 resource of the ineligible.
4. DiLtu of the eligible.
5. The Valentine Pinafore.
7. Asking his Mamma. And I should be glad to know if your intentions
with regard to my eon are serious."
62 F U N EFEB. 11, 1880.
First Sergaan:- WHY, I SEE TILIS IS SAINT VALENTINE'S MOR1N,
Second Sergeant :- WHA CARES HE'S NAE SAINT O' OORS !-AN' I HA'
NAE STAIIMACII FOR THE SNIFF 0' THAE SCAINTED VALENTINES.'"
A FEW USEFUL VALENTINES,
VALENTINE senders are now going back to the fashion of Pepys's day ;
and making their valentines really useful articles, instead of the
elaborately useless conglomerations of lace-paper, artificial flowers,
tinsel, coloured foil, watered ribbon, and doggerel, of which they
With a view of fostering this useful revival, FUN has resolved to
send round the following articles as his valentines to the individuals
To THE SULTAN OF TURKEY-A Life of Ananias and Sapphira (to be
read and passed on to his Ministers) and a ready-reckoner.
To THE CZAR OF RuSSIA-The lease of a detached villa near
Eastwell Park, and a ticket from St. Petersburg to Tunbridge Wells.
To THE KING OF BUIRNIAr-A bow-string and a teetotal pledge card.
To SIR BARTLE FRERE-The Soldiers' Pocket-book and the New
Testament bound together.
To MR. GLADSTONE-An Edison's electric pen and a gross of post-
cards. (Extra quality.)
To LoaD LYTTON-The History of the English in Afghanistan before
To THE PRINCE OF VALES-The keys of Buckingham Palace.
BRILLIANT!! CLEAN!! NO DUST!!
For Excellence of ni n MrnAL For Cleanliness
Quality. COULU IIEDAL inuse.
Sold by Grocors and Oilmen everywhere.
E. JAMES & SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH.
SHOULD I bear you to the Halter
Both our futures to entwine,
Would you blush or would you falter
O'er the words that made you mine ?
My appearance may be ghastly,
But my heart was over true.
It would gratify me vastly
If-but this is entire nous.
Should I make you Mrs. Rogers
We could swiftly settle down
As a lowly pair of lodgers
In the wilds of Somers Town.
On a salary so shady
'Twill be all that I can do
To support you like a lady,
So-but this is entire nous.
Life would glide without a ripple
To disturb the sunny stream.
I am not so great a cripple
As to look at I may seem.
I am prudent, I am thrifty,
I am barely sixty-two;
You yourself are over fifty,
And-but this is entire noes.
Come, you know I love you dearly,
And would love you all my life,
Could I win you for my wife ;
But in vain is my devotion,
I am wedded-so are you.
Still I seem to have a notion
That-but this is entire nous.
A POSITIVIST VALENTINE.
You asked a question,
Which claimed digestion
And now I'm giving
"Is life worth living?
Not with you !
To LORD BEACONSFIELD-Thc bound volumes of the Daily .Xews and
the Echo for 1879.
To SIR WILFEID LAWSON-A filter and Joe M3iller's Jest-book.
To THE Ex-LORD [MAYO -A history of Zululand, with cuts of the
inhabitants, drawn from life.
TO THE DUKE OF BuCCLEUCuI-A cart-load of faggots.
IMMoRAL INSTRUCTION.-Many lecturers insist on their pupils
Now Ready, Two Shillings and Sixpence; by post, Three Shillings,
Companion to "THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By J. F. SULLIVAN.
Now Ready, One Shilling, by post, Is. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FRED. BAINARD.
Fun DOfice, Fleet-street, E.C.
FURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING. Nete srat~ci ,nor spurt, t5h points being roundcd 1q, r
CAUTIO~~~~~~~~i" -Ic ]3 A ,A ~~ ., peI, 6d., or post free 'I .tenps. IN ork: 1h,
C~dUION-If ere thken n te-pit p ee he diti oft~ h. n L7ons"udm wlarohouse,24, KingaEdward Street, E.C.
FEB. 18, 1880.]
ANYTHING FOR CHANGE.
Guard:-" YES, SIR, I'VE SEEN YOUR LUGGAGE IN, IT'S ALL RIGHT, AND I'VE GOT A SMOKING-CARRIAGE YOU CAN HAVE ALL TO
YOURSELF, SIR." Gentleman:-" OH, THAT'S WELL! ANY CHANGE?"
Guard:-" WELL, NO, SIR, I DON'T THINK I HAVE, BUT I'LL SOON GET YOU SOME, SIR."
ST. VALENTINE'S VALENTINES.
"YAW !" said St. Valentine, as he put one leg out of bed last Saturday
morning. Oh!" he added, quickly drawing it back again. How
chilly it is! When I was younger I used to think I liked cold
weather; now I think differently. I'm not so young as I was."
Which was a fact. But there was no help for it, for of all mornings
in the year to lie in bed this was not the morning. Dear, dear,"
he growled, as he got out; why can't my morning come later on in
the year? Now, why the dooce doesn't that girl bring up my
shaving-water ? Ah half cold, of course. Well, well, let's set to
work. Where's my dressing-gown?" So, getting into his matutinal
robe and slippers, the old gentleman opened his secretaire and sat
down before it.
"Now, let me see," he began; "to whom am I to send, and what
shall I send them? Where's my list of names ? Hum 'Sir W. V.
Harcourt-what shall I send him ? I know-the picture of a forensic
Cassandra holding forth to an amused but incredulous audience.
There! that will do for him. Next ? The titled chairman of the
M.B.W., Sir J. Hogg. I'll send him a baron of the best pleuro-
pneumonic beef. I hope he won't cut up rough; the beef will. Mrs.
Weldon, eh ? Let's see. A R iire of diamonds-the newly-invented
ones. Mr. Mackonochie! I'll send him a text, one of my own,
' Obey the laws that be written, that they'who sit at thy feet may
obey them also.' Who comes next? Mr. Gladstone-I'm rather
afraid of him, he'll pamphletise me or send me a post-card, and I
can't endure them. They are like what Gough's advance secured to
Gen. Roberts-open communications. I'll send him a Gladstone bag to
carry out his bag and baggage' policy with in reference to the present
Government. He can put its head in the bag. Lord Derby He's
soon settled. A pot of 'half-and-half' will do for him. Lord
Hartington, eh ? I'll send him a back seat, then he won't have to
take it quite so often. Oho, Lord Beaconsfield I'm in the Lords' '
with a vengeance. What shall he have-a policy ? No, I haven't
the assurance for that. A Turk's head' to brush away his cerebral
cobwebs ? No! I've got it. MIr. Piggott's likeness under a glass
paper-weight and a perspective portrait of Dr. Farr. Dole far niente.
That brings me to the Czar, as I shall send him nothing, only I'll
Latinise it-there Nihil. I hope they won't 'suspend me, as they
do their papers, or obliterate me as they do ours. Hullo here's our
friend-Parnell-' Charlie is my darling.' I'll send him a copy of the
New York Herald, and the apple of discord in the hopes he'll swallow
it-it's bound to disagree with him. The Lord Chief Justice Phew!
Well, if his lordship gets the worst of an argument it ought to suit
him to a T-aylor. More ministers-Mr. W. H. Smith. I'll send
him a Pinafore.' M. Gambetta follows next. The question is what
he will follow next, so I'll forward him two bundles of hay'; and,
talking of hay, I'll send Mr. Bright some cud of bitter reflection'-
on-on-oh, on everything; and to the Heads of the Criminal In-
vestigation Department I'll send a little more investigation regarding
the officers they appoint. Sir S. Northcote! Hum Thirteen pence
halfpenny to purchase a bottle of Winslow's Soothing Syrup. Oh, lor !
Fashionable photographers Come, I'll send them a new stock of
'beauties' (they want them bad enough), with fresh smiles and novel
attitudes; and in re photograph, I will surreptitiously convey the
portrait of a Zulu to the ex-Lord Mayor. The School Board! I'll
send them more sense and less feeling-in ratepayers' pockets. Prince
Bismarck! Well, I'll send him some 'bloo d iron' for his
neuralgia. The Duke of Marlborough I'll send-to dine with Duke
Humphrey. To Lord John Manners I'll send a telephone to sit on '
and a stamp wherewith to mark his era. To the Claimant I'll send
Dr. Kenealy; and last, but not least, to my genial friend Mr. FUN I
will send the usual success for his gorgeous and unequalled valentine
number." Which, we may as well add, came to hand in the most
There !" said St. Valentine, "that's the lot." And the kindly
old gentleman got into bed again and slept the sleep which knows but
a yearly waking.
[We had been favoured with a glimpse of this list some time ago,
but deferred making its contents public, in order that the recipients
might be better surprised." As sending valentines is ever considered
a labour of love we earnestly recommend the above persons to lay
them carefully to hearts."-ED.]
VOL. xxxI.-NO. 771.
64 TFUN. [FEBn. 18, 1880.
SOCK AND BESKVIN. OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL IN THE HOUSE.
;' IN the Reform Bill drawn up by me, sir, whilst recovering from
DEAMATIC TIPES.-No. 3. THE HEAVY PA. the measles last autumn, and since entrusted to that arch-Parlia-
ITH flowing hair mentary wag, Sir Wilfrid Lawson, with a view to its passage through
Of scanty grey, the House,* one of the more original clauses proposes that Comic
Hie dodders there Journalism should henceforth have its representative in the British
Throughout the play. Legislature. At a time when indirectly, if not directly, we find the
House containing members for Orton, for Jenkins, for t'e rimes, for
Oh, who would scoff the City Corporation, for Fiji, for the South-Eastern Railway, for
His mournful port! illustrated papers, for the Reporters' Gallery, for Irish whiskey, for
With virtue of deceased wives' sisters, and, in short, for well nigh eyery interest of
The purest sort any note, it is high time, I think, that the member for Comic Papers
His home he wrecks took the oath and his seat, charged by his important constituency to
By joining rash look after thp interests of wit and humour, now, alas! so neglected in
And greedy "specs," the House of Commons.
And losing cash. My clause goes on to say that any British-born subject who can, on
the polling-day, produce a legal receipt for the payment of a current
S And then he'll pose subscription to any recognized comic journal shall be allowed to record
As innocent- his vote in a special ballot-box for any candidate he may select, and
Of course he owes that, on the result of the collective poll through the kingdom being
il\ A lot of rent. known, the chosen wag shall forthwith proudly enter the House, the
S' But if his due triumphant representative of the facetious journalism of the day and
His landlord claims, its regular subscribers.
iA \ ith virtue true Now, sir, without wishing to appear egotistical,t I am ready to
He'll call him names, confess that, should my Bill ever become law, I should, on the first
opportunity, present myself for election. Nay, more than this; so
And raise his hand anxious am I to advance facetious interests at St. Stephen's that I would
And lift his eyes not object to be elected, even as things now are, by any obliging con-
Till they command stituency, ready to sink its own aimn and ends for the advancement of
The glowing "flies," the cause I represent.
With (as I live !) Every time I read the usually dull' and dreary-debates in the papers
In voice sing-song, I chafe to be up and be doing.' Take my word for it, obstruction is
C'1 May Heav'n forgive the natural result of the recent depressing heaviness of the Parlia-
This grievous wrong! mentary regime. There must be some relief and a change of some
I think I see sort from the weary iteration of daily prosiness,. and Parliament finds
You crying, "Bah them in the personal rows and wrangles which are now looked for at
At Number Three, least once a fortnight.
The Heavy Pa." But I would alter all this. Beginning by being funny myself, I
would soon become the cause of fun in others. Puns would speedily
crop up in the orders of the day; there would be at least one conun-
What a number of old titles for plays have "cropped up" recently drum amongst the diurnal questions put to Ministers ; not a vote on
First, we had The Stepmother, by Mr. Wills; then Ourselves, by Mr. supply, I promise you, should be passed without its appropriate quip.
Burnand; and now I hear of a Love for Love, by Mr. Herman Merivale. To encourage my colleagues to do likewise, I would speedily carry
Mr. Merivale is an excellent and an original author, but an obscure a new standing order directing the clerk of the table to ensure the
contemporary of Addison and Steele known by the name of Congreve taking down of all puns, quips, cranks, jokes, and other facetizm, with
has been more than a match for him in the race after that title. -a view to their publication above their authors' signatures in the daily
Votes and Proceedings."
l-Nor would I go too fast. Consideration should mark my endeavoursn
Mr. Hare permits Miss Kate Pattison, who is under an engagement anorwold I gotoo fast. Consideration should mar my endeavour;
to him, tojoin MrT Buce's Pie ofan ample staff of skilful but mirth-loving surgeons should be
to him, to join Mr. Bruce's Prince of Wales's Company for eight attached to the House for the special behoof of the Scotch members.
weeks. What baldafairt would our enjoyments be without our Hare? Attendants, deft and watchful, should ever be at hand to pat the backs
--d of obese or apoplectic legislators; whilst several sets of your back
Messrs. Gatti have chosen te subject for their next season's panto- volumes, sir, would be placed in the library for the use of City Alder-
mime, but there is no truth in the report that they have had their men, Utilitarian Radicals, Mr. Macdonald, and other members by whom
turkey plucked and trussed and their pudding mixed for their Christ- witicsms would never be likely to be evolvedspontaneously.joke, the
mas dinner. Then I would institute sessional prizes, too, for the best joke, the
funniest conundrum, &c., &c., making the Speaker the judge, with
At the Opera Comique, The Children's Pinofore is to be put on every power public send a the highly-commended facetion. to the L n Gazette
evening for a short time, commencing on Saturday next. Why, sir, in a few months, you may depend on it, you wouldn't
know the House. Obstruction would have been laughed away; useful
An opera of Catalini's entitled Elda has been produced at Turin. acts would be merrily punned through the House, so to speak; and
The composer is said to have been called" twenty times If this Blue Books would have become such good reading that the
success is genuine the piece must be quite an Elda-rado. Parliamentary reports would be read again and again ; and the
NESTon. prominent jokes of a debate would be telephoned round to the clubs
as soon as made. In short, sir, a comical revolution would have been
Old Enough to Know Better. effected, as the result of a man who is every week in Fun having been
AT Leeds the other day Margaret Lyons, aged 80, charged with for a few months in earnest.
begging, was found to have in her possession 106 and a bundle con- shall be donomed still to devoten mte, therefore, when there is a ancen, or
taining mince pies, meat, potatoes, and bacon. On promising to put her shall I be doomed still to devote to the punny, I mean the penny
d papers tle facetious capabilities meant for them and Parliament as well
money with a farmer she was discharged, and so she may consider her- I should like a prompt answer, as I am thinking of starting in my
self (independent of the 106) a lucky beggar," as, had it not been b ll h nx 'e
for her age, she would probably not have saved her bacon. balloon for the Pole next week.
A Sign of the Times. I TnE DELIF-I OiACLE.-The wishing-cups and saucers used by
sorcerers and fortune-tellers of the present day.
ItECENT disclosures show that the modern burglar needs a horse and
trap, and may, therefore, be said to drive a roaring trade. This Th.re is thing, as any practical builder will tell you, sir, so good for
development of the business enables them to make away with things producing thorough ventilation as a passage right through a house; and how,
1than when they used to only walk of w ,- should like to know, can my project be better ventilated than hy its passage
more easily tan when they used to only walk ofwith them, but shows i through the House Why, te draught" of the Bill alone will be tremendous.-
that nowadays even the business of burglary cannot be carried on Y E.-S R.
without capital. + 'the derivation of this word has been long mistaken. Instead of being
from ego," "I," it undoubtedly has reference to the pre-eminently fussy self-
congratulations of a hen which has just laid. Her cackling noise is "egg"-
A FOUL PROCEEDING.-Locking up Ir. Capon. utitical to the echo, and it is thus we get the expressive word.-Y.E.-S.R.
THE BAFFLED QUEST.
A PROPHETIC BALLAD.
A KNIGHT whose surname began with a P
From the shores of Erin went over the sea;
And his quest, given out at the sound of the trump,
Was the one which is vulgarly known as "the stump."
O'er the broad Atlantic he safely was borne,
To the land of invention and caucus and corn ;
Where an Irish-American soon he espied,
And forthwith did the cause of his mission confide.
An English ghoul in my Emerald Isle
Is holding a maiden in durance vile;
He starves her and beats her, I'm sorry to say,
And behaves in a thoroughly scandalous way.
Now lend me your money and lend me your life,
And we'll conquer this ghoul in a mortal strife;
When this beautiful maiden will plight her troth
To you at the least, e'en if not to us both."
But to him whose surname began with a P
That Irish- American said, Not me !
Your story is painful, it couldn't be more-
But I've heard a similar story before.
As the maiden you mention is hapless and good,
I'll send her some plaister, I'll send her some food;
But with you will I risk neither body nor pelf-
Why, you cunning old beggar, you want her yourself !
You've proved a most wonderful knight so far,
Your surname beginning with P A R;
Still, if in her senses, the maid, I guess,
Will choose e of two evils that ghoul-the less! "
The knight, whose surname did end with an L,
Returned to the maiden his tale to tell,
When she, to his wonderment, had the face
To declare he had overstated the case:
For though she was hungry, and though she was sad,
That ghoul, as a ghoul, was by no means bad ;
Since he did what he could to cheer those in his
And she lived with him happily after all.
Jones :-" Two LEMONS A DAY MONSTROUS THESE DOCTORS ALWAYS
OVERDO IT A SMALL PIECE OF LEMON, WELL SOAKED IN HOT WATER AND
UGAn, AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU LIKE, IS ALL YOU WANT."
THE GOOD ST. VALENTINE.
(A FANcY BIOGRAPHY.)
ST. VALENTINE was born in the early ages, in fact, hke all other
saints, and sinners, too, for that matter, he was born at the very
earliest age possible; and, according to tradition, was a very tiny-or,
as one might say, a very valen-tiny-child for his years,-though he
grew up to be such a great man.
He was an only child, and was not, therefore, the Valentine who
had a brother Orson-or daughter either so far as we know. Whilst
yet a young man he was a great gun in the Christian Church of the
period, and in due time became a still greater one, for he was
His persecutors refused to let him off, however, and killed him by
impalement. Thus a post went through the first valentine. But
bitterly have his descendants been revenged, for valentines have been
going through the post well-nigh ever since! This may be called an
ex post facto vengeance.
JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE.
THERE- was this little fact about Southwark,
Which discounted somewhat the fun,
That soon as the struggle commenced there
One candidate straightway was Dunn "
A Six-pensive Treat.
IN this country what is supposed to be the coffee berry is, in reality,
often a coffee plant "; and what should be mocha a mere
"mochery." So that if you would like to assure yourself against
being done as brown as good coffee ought to be roasted you should ask
for a sixpenny bottle of Branson's Coffee Extract," and see that
you get it. When you do you will then find that your cup of coffee,
paradoxical though this may sound, will suit you to a tea! "
THAT'S THE TICKET!
WHEN we used to the Haymarket pieces to go,
'Twas with money for tickets we used to repair;
But now, when we visit this house, it's not so,-
It is tickets for Money we have to show there !
Old Friends with new Faces.
THE fact that lir. W. H. Wills is about to stand for Coventry is
really no reason why we should have been inundated with jokes about
Parliamentary Returns. The several million contributors who have filled
all our available waste paper baskets will please note that if he
c/ews can scarcely be called original.
On the Top of the Poll.
WE hear a greatdeal just now of side issues complicating the polls
of various constituencies. As for our poll, we find a good, broad part-
ing down the middle .answers very well; and we keep it .too well
brushed, and combed:for-it ever to become complicated.
.ot so Blackie as he was Painted.
PROFESSOR 'BrAeoIE, once so staunch a Tory, has now come to
the support of Mr. Gladstone in Midlothian. So the ex-Premier has
now another-wight;on his side in the shape of a Blackie-more "
Sailing "Tack "-tics.
THE Eckdwpraises Lord Derby's consummate tact." But it seems
to us thab a nobleman, who, after sailing with the Tory party so long,
has turned round, and now steers a straight Liberal course, must have
tack'd, whether he shows it or net.
THE appeal of the Lyceum Management to the Public.-" Venice "-
ici (" Venez ici don't you see ?)
1F.B. 18, 1880.]
e6 T TNT. TaEp. 18, 1880.
Some customers are so unreasonable and won't stick to their bargains !
N as -- a
We'll say a customer comes in and says, Make me a box one foot square, with a lock." With a look ? ''
you say. Ah, that'll be a very difficult job putting a LOCK-take four of our best men four days;
it'll come to ten pounds." Well, Ill pay the price," he says, as it's such a difficult job."
i t, -T! ][t M
Then you make him a beautiful box,
two feet square.
Then he comes and grumbles, I ordered it one foot square." Well," you say,
it's disappointing to make things over again, but we'll alter it for you."
21h li i
And there he keeps that job hanging about, having it altered and altered,
till the men are sick of it :
Then he comps and says, "You promised it in a weel, and here's three months Then you send in your bill. on'y for the amount agreed, though you do expect he'll
gone!"-"Why," you say, "I never expected you was going to have it altered add a trifle extra ftr all the altering. Then he wn-'4 stick to the bargain:-
so much! "' "But it has no lock even now," says he. "Lock J you say. Way," says he, 'I agreed to pay ten pounds simply because the look was such
" Well, the fact is we found it 'd be rather a difficult job to put a lock I" a difficult job-and you've put no look Yah, shabby I
JFU N .- FEB. 18, '880.
L H: f ,
SHYLOCK AND HIS "POUND OF FLESH."
Shilock (Lord B.) My deeds upon my head I crave the law,
The penalty and forfeit of my bond :
I'll not dissolve, until I cannot help--
Portia (ITF. G.) Take then thy bond, take thou thy pound of flesh;
But, in the cutting it, if thou dost shed
One more drop of Christian blood-
Merchant of Tenice (Beaconsfield Edition), Act IV., Scene 1.
C;11 V& .
FEB. 18, 1880.]
ON THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA.
olly :-" Well, Pat, what is it now? Would you rather look a
bigger fool than ye are, or be a bigger fool than ye look ?"
Pat:-" Sure now, my darlint, and I'll be both till I find which
side o' the argimint yer on yerself, whin, by jabbers, I'll join ye, right
Scene: London. JDiscovered: THe SPIRIT OF CoMMox HUMANENESS
reading a report of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Sr. or Com. HUM. It seems ye know but little of me here !
I doubt me not it is the London smoke
And din of commerce which do blind and deafen
You city dwellers to my voice and presence
When I descend among you ?
CITIZEN (with much pride). You mistake ;
Indeed, we know you well; your welcome name-
Common Humanity-is on our lips
From morn till night-
SP. or C. H. I said ye knew me not,
Or, knowing me, ye parody my name
To do me injury When have I incited
To torture bird or beast, or- made men itch
To give dumb creatures pain ? These are the tasks
Common Humanity-men's common nature-
Doth undertake. Why, this society (showing report)
But aims to thwart this same humanity
And scourge its evil yearnings. In your city
Humanity, it seems, hath little check
Upon its cruelties--
CITIZEN (again with much pride). There you mistake
At least: most overwhelming penalties,
Most heavy punishments, are visited
By Britain's law on him convicted of
Ungentleness to any beast.
Sr. or C. H. Indeed,
This news doth please me vastly !
CIT. Why, the man
Who skins a living dog, or rends the tongue
From any horse, for instance, hath to suffer
A judgment equal to-
SP. orF C H. (eagerly). The murderer's
Who murders out of very cruelty,
Without a cause, by slowly torturing
A helpless victim ?
CIT. Well-not quite so great.
Sr. or, C. H. Not quite ? Then, equal to the murderer's
Who kills, premeditating, through some spite ?
CIT. N-o-o; somewhat.less than that.
Sr. or C. H. The bank director's,
Who ruins thousands for his selfish ends,
And drives to suicide ? "P No ?" Then the rough's,
Who robs with violence, and mutilates ?-
Surely he cannot fare so well as these
Who have temptation, while the torturer
Of beasts hath none ?
CIT. I own his punishment
Is not so great as that of those you name ;
Nor yet so great as his who steals a shilling
From Dives, or the starveling's, who shall pilfer
A farthing biscuit-yet 'tis most severe,
Oh, most deterrent. I have known a man
Fined five whole shillings, where the circumstances
Were more than ordinarily revolting:
Still, in this case the crime was very gross-
The wonted penalty is half-a-crown.
Sr. or C. H. And doth this fearful penalty deter ?
CIT. Well, truly-no ; it possibly may be
The very direness of the punishment
Which fascinates to crime; as when the gallows
Was the reward of theft, men thieved the more,
So now (lured haply by the very horror
Enveloping so terrible a doom),
Men brave the crushing mulct of half-a-crown,
And so the crime survives. Common Humanity
Sr. or C. H. It doth, indeed; 'tis most revolting !
I hate your city smoke; it reeks to me
Of cruelty; its ev'ry black is some
Demon of torture. I will seek the fields
Where purer air doth foster kindliness:
I'll dare to swear the tiller of the soil
Will lack this horrid yearning to destroy,
Torture, and mutilate. I seek the fields.
(THE Sr. or C. H. and the CITIZEN arrive at a famei. The FAn=MR
appears from his door.)
FARMER. Now, let me think. We have our implements :
The gun, the gin, the nets, our thickest boots;
The shears? 'Tis well. A favourable day
For our first task ;, a bitter, freezing day,
With marrow-chilling winds from North and East;
Good we will don our thickest overcoats
And warmest mufflers now a nip of brandy,
And off to shear the sheep. Stay, here's a songster
In some near tree; I hoped that we had seen
The last of these. Well done, my trusty gun!
ITe steals our corn no more Here, what is this ?
Another hedgehog, he who gnaws our roots.
Well crushed, good boot! A mole !-the last of him !
A fox-he'd rob our poultry yard; 'tis well
No huntsman sees me; he shall rob no more.
A hawk-he'd steal my chicks; farewell to him.
A dove-he'd-let me see, he'd do some harm
I make no doubt-a very steady shot !
The sheep are sheared ? Well done; now drive them up
To yon bleak hill and let them feel the wind,
And I will home to dinner. Phew! 'tis cold
Through all these mufflers; but a morning's work
So good as this repays. Now to the fire.
CIT. (triumphantly). How say you-is he better than us Cits ?
SP. or C. H. Common Humanity, indeed, forbids.
THERE is a certain place not mentioned to cars polite, whore it is
understood that all bad people go; but if they study their own in-
terests, in future all persons of this class will go to Northamptonshire.
The magistrates of that county having before them a man charged;
with stealing a stick out of a dead fence (a living offence in the!
eye of the law), on hearing that he was a man of good character are
reported to have thus held forth: The Bench, after speaking very
strongly on the matter, told the prisoner that his previous good cha-
racter had aggravated his offence, and instead of fining him 2s. 6d.
and costs, as they at first intended, they would fine him 1 and costs."
This is gorgeous Punished with eight times the ordinary severity
for being good! There can be no doubt that the Northamptonshire
magistrates are badly disposed," and we should think the sooner
they are disposed of altogether the better.
HOMER described the helmeted Goddess of Wisdom as being "ox-:
eyed." It is to be hoped she discovered more with her ox-eye than our
active and intelligent detectives do with their bull's-eyes.
[FEE. 18, 1880.
REMINISCENCES OF THE FOG.
" Lost yer way 7-that ain't no matter,'so;long as yer ain't lost yer watch." Revellers in the mist.
Wayfarer (who has just stumbled up against a pillar- Fancy portrait of the Instance of its partiality. Carman (in brilliant sunshine):-" Here's a go!
box) :-" I'm sure I beg your pardon, sir." demon Fog." The 'orse ain't a-droring nothing ; where's the blessed cart ?"
C. VAUDEVILLE.-The School for Scandal, the finest of all our old
English comedies, is reproduced in a way that ought to bring another
long run to this house. Never was the play more exquisitely mounted,
and, we should say, never more perfectly acted. Down to the smallest
part all is done in a way that must charm the most fastidious. We
have not space to enter into details, and will simply say to all lovers of
true dramatic art, Do not lose a chance of seeing Sheridan's master-
piece played to perfection."
IMPERIAL.-Miss Litton commences her season of afternoon perform-
ances with the revival of Tom Taylor's version of The Vicar of
Wakefield, which is produced with such care as might be expected
where all is governed with good taste. Miss Litton's Olivia is quite
charming, Mr. Farren's Dr. Primrose true to the life; Mrs. Stirling
as the weak, vain, but good-hearted Mrs. Primrose is nature itself.
The scene where she yields forgiveness to her repentant daughter is
pathetic to a degree. The piece is well sustained throughout, Lionel
Brought's Moses and Kyrle Bellew's Squire Thornhill being excep-
ROYALTY.-The management have done well in reproducing Jo, in
which Jenny Lee sustains her original character; and to those who
have not seen this clever piece of acting we would recommend an early
visit to the Royalty, as the season is to be a short one.
ADELPHI.-Ninon, a new and original drama by W. G. Wills, is a
decided success. The scene is laid in France during the reign of
terror." The play is full of the strongest dramatic interest, and is
picturesque to a degree. It is a true Adelphi piece, and with so good
a cast, embracing many old favourites, is sure to have a long run.
AQuAnium.-Farini's Zulus.-Three princesses, said to be the
daughters of Cotewayo, have joined the troupe. They assist in some
wild dances and songs, illustrating the preliminary ceremonies con-
nected with the marriage rites in their country. The exhibition is a
very interesting one.
SHE used to long for the white violet
In winter, when the flowers are fine and rare;
Her fingers, all perfumed like them, would set
The posies where the long plaid mantle met,
And the flowers never seemed to wither there.
When the thin winter rays shot sharply down,
On the white streets, her sovereign mandate made me
Go ransack all the markets of the town
To find the flowers that best graced her goNn,
And last, the kiss with which she always paid me.
Now, I buy violets, and keep them-sweet
And modest still, but somehow withering fast,
Though the smooth petals smile and seem replete
With scents of her, and in each cup I meet
A face's pallor, while the flowers last.
As the drained glass remembrances refill,
And at the crystal border bubble and shine,
Though not a dreg remains to drink or spill,
The sorrow of the drinker scents it still,
And the lip tastes the phantom of the wine !
WHEREIN do our brave auxiliaries differ from pastrycooks?- In
being volunteers, whereas the others are vol-au-vent-iers.
FEB. 18, 1880.] F U 71
CRIMES, CASUALTIES, CATASTROPHES, &c.
DURING the dense fogs of the last few days numerous cases of dis-
appearance in the metropolis are reported. In one instance, a gentla-
man of good position was entirely lost sight.of by his anxious friends.
S -- I -z?^--
A casualty occumed the other day on the North-South-East-
Western Railway. Two, passengers of opposite political views came
into violent collision. itappears that, an argument having.arisen, both
passengers, were on their mettles, when a third passenger, mistaking
the points-and believing the line of argument clear, dashed in. The
confusion was indescribable, all the passengers being terribly shaken
in their opinions, and some sleepers (in the corner seats) were con-
siderably cut up.
A widespread plot has been discovered in Russia ; it is supposed to,
be connected with Nihilist propaganda, as nothing will grow on it.
Skaters will learn, with a feeling of. commiseration, that, while
cutting figures down Regent-street two or three days ago, several
friends stumbled across each other when, the ice being immediately
broken, they disappeared instantly and did a double
three with considerable dash (of lemon)- (Our correspondent's
account seems somewhat confused here.-En.)
On re-appearing, the friends were found to have had a thorough
wetting, and adjourned to-spend the evening together. About 3 a.m.
a complete break-up occurred.
Some dangerous falls are reported from the neighbourhood of
SHOCKING CASE OF SUNDAY CLOSING.
An exemplary admonition has just boon given to a tradesman for
closing on a Sunday; he was caught by the police secretly plying his
trade on that day; he was a boot closer. In inflicting a fine the
magistrate remarked that, though a man might be guilty of under-
hand proceedings on week days, he ought at least to be more open in
his behaviour on the. Sabbath.. The culprit promised that in future he
would remain open on Sundays.
Another case of running down comes to hand. A customer entered
a chemist's shop last week and ran down his bark. The customer
states that, on looking through the glass, he observed a vessel on his
counter; it proved to be a vessel of considerable (black) draught.
The chemist was, at the time, displaying both his green and red
lights. The customer, having cut short the chemist's bows, dis-
appeared into the darkness, with a large bottle, apparently containing
physic, in his clutch; he was., however, pursued and overhauled,
when it was found that e only had some water in his hold. He was
then brought up, and is now in the dock.
There are rumours of a great rising in the East; it is said to occur
every morning, and to have some connection with the Sun-heights.
THE REAL CLOTHES OF THE POLL AT SOUTHWAnx.-Hats, caps,
bonnets, bowlers," wideawakes, felts, hoods, &c., &c.
OPENING OF TIHE SEASON-THE PROPHET'S SPEECH.
MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,-
It is with great pleasure that I again resort to the prophesying lay.*
My relations with the Powers continue to be friendly, the Editor
and Proprietors being extremely complaisant-no doubt from fear of
losing my valuable assistance. I have attained a position of additional
security based upon the principles of a Treaty of Fleet-street between
the Proprietors and myself whereby my screw is raised. Much, how-
ever, remains to be done.
A Convention for the obtaining of the "'straight tip direct from
the stables has been concluded between myself and an old pal down on
My anticipations for the Spring Handicaps and following events are
in active preparation.
Papers on these matters will be forthwith laid before you.
GENTLEMANLY ROUGHn AND COMMON 'UNS,-
-An Estimate of your characters will be prepared and presented to
you. without delay.
My LORDS AND GETLEENMw,-
The Commissions, which, as I informed you last- season, I issued to
various persons to superintend the reports of the different bwanmhas of
Sport will be repeated this season.
A proposal will be submitted to you for providing' (by subscriptions
to be placed in, charge of the old man) the funds zeq;aired for-these
Bills will be laid before yomrepresenting the Prophet's expenses and
inviting-defrayment by the so disposed.
I commend to you-these and other mattes- that may be submitted
for-your consideration, and append
A Tip FOR Tam WATE:LOO Cur.
With so open anmaffair,
Where I ought tomake beginning,
Is a "corker," I declare-
Camus came as-for an inning;
Still Civility will pay,
And I'm clearly right to say
Spend your cash on Market Day,
Though Coquette-she should be -winning.
If you look for pride of birth,
Lady Lizzie's quite the lady ;
If you look for sterling worth,'
Don't omit to notice Haidee;
Rechabite will cause no jar,
What can Decorator mar ?
Star of Woodcote shines afar,
Honey-Wood is far from shady.
Shepherdess, by hook or crook,
May regard the prize as taken,
But a more attentive look
Wood Reeve would rev-cal unshaken.
Can a Plunger e'er advance ?
Though at last you'll eye askance
Mist-er-ton, who's missed a chance,
Stitch-in-Time should save-his bacon.
A woAxxx, named Sarah Clear, has just died at Street, aged 103.
What can Mr. Thornm say against centenarians now, when the evidence
Disturbances of a serious character are said to have taken place in.
the island of Crete, but the particulars have been hushed up. Possibly
as things are in this island any other course would have been indis-crete.
At Guildhall, a man has been sentenced to fourteen days' hard
labour for stealing "bosh." Considering the worthlessness of the
article it would have been butter for him not to have taken it.
An amateur vocalist, named E. E. Dear, has written to the papers
showing how for singing There is a flower that bloometh" for .a
charitable concert he has had to pay between 6 and 7. This pretty
ballad must under the circumstances be regarded as a Dear song.
The fact that at Bradford there are 3,000 dyers on strike must be re-
garded as a dire mishap.
Mr. Serjeant Simon's speech, at Dewsbury, having been hailed with
acclamation by a majority of 4 to 1 shows that the country is anti-
Conservative when they can get a true Liberal, -or in other words a
* Funds get low in the off season.-T.
[FEB. 18, 1880.
Old Gentleman watchingg crowd round omnibus ) :-" WHAT A IB STLE Stout Old Lady :-" 'OLD YOUR TONGUE, IMPERENCE "
NOTICES OF MOTION.
Not expected to be put.
SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE.-That it is desirable to abolish the
levying of Income Tax for ever.
MR. GLADSTONE.-That only faggot-votes shall be counted as valid in
LORD JOHN MANNERS.-That Sir Brydges Henniker be permitted
to hold any fat appointments that may become vacant during the
remainder of the present Parliament's existence.
MA. CHAMBERLAIN.-That the Caucus, being an un-English institu-
tion, should be declared illegal.
COLONEL STANLEY.-That the army cat shall be exhibited in the
lobby on all Government nights.
MR. JOHN BRIGHT.-That Her Majesty's Naval and Military
services shall be immediately raised to a war-footing.
Mn. Cnoss.-That it shall be, for the future, incumbent upon the
Home Secretary to have a personal interview with every convicted
person who may be dissatisfied with his sentence.
SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT.-That epigrams and jeux-d'esprit shall
render the speaker liable to expulsion.
Di. KENEALY.-That the Claimant shall be allowed to address the
House in the place of the Member for Stoke.
SIR WILFRID LAwsoN -That no intoxicating liquors shall be
admitted as a subject for discussion.
MR. BIGGAR.-That the public reading of extracts from blue books
shall be absolutely forbidden.
MR. RAIKES.-That the Chairman of Committees be requested to do
all in his power to promote obstruction.
Half and Half.
TRUE to their reputation for providing the world with novelties, the
Americans have discovered in the Michigan Poorhouse a thing called
" A Man-Turtle." They say this monstrosity has many bodily attri-
butes in common with that crustaceous creature which is so highly
appreciated in the tureen: still, as it seems to possess the faculty of
speech but none of intelligence, it can hardly be accepted as definitely
belonging to either of the soup-erior orders of creation.
Now Ready, Two Shillings and. Sixpence; by post, Three Shillings,
Companion to THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By J. F. SULLIVAN.
Now BReady, One Shilling, by post, Is. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FRED. BARNARD.
Fun Office, Fleet-street, E.C.
WA T 'COMPRESSED CAUTION !
l i iA T SB i LAUNDRY Imitations of Cadbury's Cocoa Essence are
Soften pushed by Shopkeepers for the sake
Is made o the FINI-ST mate a'td r
TiarieedoSbel'URIFIEiENUNE i of extra profit. Be sure that you obtain
eOAP. One p d bar ill do s ..ch. H the Original Article, which may be relied
work as twopounds of ordinary Yellow ioap,
ad n,. mu more e.noias. tian I on for excellence of quality, purity, and
ay cheap and aculterated soaps, which strength.
quickly waste way in us.ng. S Strength
One trial will ensure its constant use. Makers by special appointment to the Queen.
Sold in llb. bars at 6d. Of all Grocers, Oilmen, and Stores. Paris Depdt: 90, Faubourg St. Honore.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street E.C.-London, February 18, 1880.
FmB. 25, 1880.] FUN. 73
MESSRS. AGNEW AND SoNs, Old Bond-
street, have an unusually fine collection of
water colours by living and deceased
artists. Among the best of the former
are two exquisite pictures by Keeley Hals-
welle. There are fourteen workshby Birket
Foster, all of which are good examples of
this popular painter; there are two im-
portant pictures by Sir John Gilbert, and
a charming little bit by Mrs. Allingham.
Of the deceased masters there are fine ex-
amples of Fred. Walker, David Cox,
Turner, William Hunt, F. W. Topham,
and Coply Fielding. The exhibition is a
highly interesting one.
THE GRAPHIC GALLERY -This exhibi-
tion will long be remembered as having
first shown Millais' masterpiece, Cherry
Ripe," which is simply lovely, and will
well repay a visit; next for a lot of fine
black and white drawings, the most pro-
minent of which are those by H. Her-
komer, W. Small, and C. Green; and
least of all for the collection of heads,
which are or were intended to be the
feature of the exhibition. That these
pictures of female beauty, engraved as the
" Graphic staff can engrave, will make
good attractive subjects for the pages of
that journal there can be no doubt, but
as a collection of pictures by the leading
painters of the English school it is indeed
far from satisfactory, and is the more dis-
appointing because the men all seem to
have been earnest and painstaking with
OLYMPC .-The Heir-at-Law, with Mr.
John S. Clarke as Dr. Pangloss, means a
success; moreover he is well supported, the
cast being a thoroughly good one. Mr.
John Ryder's Steadfast is an admirable
piece of acting; the same may be said of
iMr. Charles Harcourt's Zekiel Homespun,
Mr. Carton's Dick Dowlas, and Mr.
Maclean's uncouth Baron Duberley. The
comedy is preceded by the drama Red
Tape in which Mr. J. S. Clarke is irre-
sistibly comic. Mr. John Ryder's Jasper
Rawdon is powerful and artistic to a
degree. The drama is thoroughly well
played, and the entertainment at the
Olympic may now be said to be one well
worth a visit.
PRINCEss's.-The Streets of London, a re-
vival of a strong and powerful melo-
drama full of striking incident and dra-
matic effect, is mounted with great care and
ability. The piece is well cast. Mr.
Charles Warner's Badger will add to the
reputation of this clever artist. The
two most remarkable scenic effects are
the Fire Scene and Charing Cross on a
Winter's Night. It may be some comfort
to the nervous to know that in the
former there is a real fire-brigade in at-
A RED-DY ANSWER.
T'ery red-haired Passenger:-" I SAY, GUAnD, WHY ON EARTH DON'T THE TRAIN GO ON ?"
Guard:-" GooD GRACIOUS, SIR PUT YOUR HEAD IN ; HOW CAN YOU EXPECT IT TO GO
ON WHILE THAT DANGER SIGNAL IS OUT."
A CORRESPONDENT in a provincial contemporary the other day
startled the world with an impertinent inquiry into the raison d'etre
of mince pies. He wanted to know why the mincemeat should be
concealed like a saccharine gem in a mine of unwholesome puff paste,
instead of being spread upon bread, or served up in a saucer of pie-
crust like the perennial penny jam-tarts of the pastry-cooks. This
irreverent would-be reformer, it is whispered, is now darkly devising
other distressingly abstruse problems of the like nature. To say
nothing of having lately evinced a most embarrassing curiosity as to
the reason of soup being served in a plate and eaten with a spoon,
when it could more conveniently be poured into a breakfast-cup and
drunk like other liquids, he is now about to ask why pancakes are
tossed in the frying-pan, at the risk of being sliced in two on its edge
or strewed upon the floor, instead of being deftly shifted into another
pan held over it by the simple process of reversal. It is even hinted
that he is also engaged in the elaboration of certain confoundedly hard
nuts for Cabinet Ministers and M.P.'s to crack during the present
session and the coming elections; and, in fact, there is no saying
where he may stop. This inquisitor does not mince matters, and
clearly wants to know too much. He must be shut up, or we shall
next hear of him running a muck in the Circumlocution Office, want-
ing to know, you know," or going about stultifying society with
posers concerning some of its observances, compared with which the
puzzles in its favourite journals are as simple as A B C.
VOL. XXXI.-NO. 772.
[FEB. 25, 1880.
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
DRAMATIC TYPES.-No. 4. THE LADY JUVENILE.
.. A ITH very slight
'i'. &' A Connection with
(For wrong or right)
SThe story's pith;
With all they use
In dress complete;
WVith natty shoes
di a In gloves anCoadffs, r
1)sa a Upon her feet o
Sind such-like, drest;
N.li l sind With ribbons, ruffs,
And all the rest
b With heaps of gush,
Wi ith words that rush,
As Oh, mamma !
My goodness, pa !
S Oh, what a tie!"
Ugh I can't bear
Be1 That ugly man" ;
"I No, Bertio !-there !-
..l eOh, how you can !"
W' ith eyes that play,
And chronic smile,
Behold "The La-
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND THE NORTH POLE.
As you are aware, sir, that veteran naval officer, Commander
Cheyne, is inaugurating a Polar expedition under entirely novel con-
ditions; he and his party, that is to say, are going in search of the
North Pole in balloons! Now unkind critics have gone so. far as to
apply the epithet "balloonatics" to the Commander and his comrades
but I have too frequently proved the value of a balloon to lightly join
in deprecating the proposed flight over the polkeocristic sea-" polo-
cristic sea," you will admit, sir, is good !-and to show my faith in
the project, I am seriously thinking of placing myself and my balloon
at the disposal of the enterprising naval officer in question.
I do this, I confess, sir, not altogether on my own account, but
partly in the interests of your excellent journal. My suggestion, if,
carried out you see, would give one of your comical young men such
a good chance to write a paragraph stating that your extra-special"
had become a link in the Cheyne" of Polar investigation, and so
on and so forth.
Be this as it may, I have determined, sir, in any case, to test ,the
capabilities of balloons for the task it is proposed to set them, and,
with this object have perfected certain arrangements which I hope
will meet your approval.
Three days ago, then, my wife's youngest brother, a man of enter-
prise and resource, left St. Pancras by the Scotch mail accompanied
by a long scaffolding pole, which had to be placed on the roofs of
three carriages, a large hamper of tinned meats, &c., and sealed in-
structions from me in his pocket to be opened at Carlisle.
These instructions contained full details of what he was to do after
reaching Stornoway. He was, in brief, to hire two or three gillies to
carry the scaffolding pole and the hamper, and then to strike away
boldly into the interior of the Lewis. When he had been lost for
half a day or so he was to halt, stick the scaffolding pole in the
ground, seek out or construct some temporary shelter for himself and
his hamper, and then dismiss the gillies with directions to come at
certain times with provisions.
My brother-in-law, I say, sir, started three days ago on the above
errand, and by this time, as I take it, is well lost in the wilds of the
island, which is not, let us hope, quite so (William) Black as he
(W. B.) has painted it. Of course you would guess what is to follow,
even if I had not come down to the office yesterday and drawn 22s. out
of '.'petty cash," with the view of right royally entertaining Messrs.
Coxwell and Glashier, the eminent aronauts (" air-or-nothings" I
call them, in my funny way) at a meat tea this very evening.
You will have naturally guessed, I repeat, that I and a party of
trusty friends are shortly about to start in my first-class balloon (Al
copper fitted) on a voyage of discovery, the objective point of which is
my brother-in-law's scaffolding pole in the wilds of the Lewis. If we
are able to light upon that pole, I think it may be taken as prima facie
evidence in favour of Commander Cheyne hopping upon the other.
On the other hand, if we fail, I don't very well see how the naval officer
can hope to succeed.
Thus the experiment will be unusually interesting; and as I intend,
if I return successfully and in safety, to exhibit the balloon and the
scaffolding pole at the Aquarium, it will very possibly be a very
profitable one also. As I write, all is ready for starting. My three
companions have made their wills; the stale buns for the bears we may
come upon, for there is no knowing where we may be blown to before
we return, have been duly packed; and three sacksful of your
" Valentine" number (thoughtful as ever, you see !) have been put in
the car with my own hands, for distribution in the north of Scotland.
I expect Messrs. Coxwell and Glaisher every minute, as they will
inspect the balloon before tea ; and, granted they approve, we shall
start early to-morrow morning. By next week, then, the great
problem will have been solved, and we shall know approximately
whether one can take a fly to the North Pole as easily as one can now
take a cab to Southwark, or Westminster, or Eastcheap.
IN Honi soit qui mal y pense,"
A motto which we owe to France,
There is, as you will see,
A sweetly strange coincidence:
What's honey-sudcky in the French,
We render Evil bee! "
A Rod in Pickle.
Dn. W J- *-R ssELL has written a letter to the Editor of the Daily
Telegraph, reiterating his charges as to the gross misconduct of sundry
of our troops in South Africa (an enquiry concerning which is now
being conducted in Natal), and explaining that he had long held his
peace in the hope that things would mend, but the matter became so
serious that he at last felt constrained, though with reluctance, to
speak out the facts. If this distinguished Special's strictures be accurate
and just, one can hardly doubt that where lately was a gentle russell
there will soon be a downright row.
Look at the Clock!
THE time gun at Chatham is in sad disgrace. It appears that
owing to its booming forth the hour on Sunday last all the worshippers
in the various churches instantaneously produced their watches to
compare, and the effect upon the ministers may be imagined. We
sympathize with the clergy, who must necessarily regard the time gun
asia great bore.
A Downy Up-eration!
SwAsnDowN is just now in such special demand for making caps
that its price has increased. In fact swansdown is up To get a
right down bargain in fact is impossible. Nor can one get credit.
It.is all money down."
An Irish Trough-y.
IT has hitherto always been a received axiom among Irish tenants
that it is the pig that pays the rint." The present objection to
paying any "rint" at all appears, therefore, to be merely a laudr
able intention- of being no longer considered pigs !
An Ornitho-logical Sequence.
A DIscussioN has lately arisen in a sporting contemporary as to
where is the indigenous home of the widgeon. For ourselves we
never had the slightest doubt on this point; the fowl in question is, of
course, a Nor-widgeon bird.
A Butcher's Dozen.
AT Preston another man has been sent to prison for offering bad meat
for sale. Three months may seem a severe sentence but when it is
known that the man had previously been convicted twelve times it dozen
Bismarck, Beware !
THE threshold of the much talked of alliance between France anl
Russia is, at all events, paved with one significant stepping-stone. The
French can open their Anglo-French lexicon and say, aha the Bear
is Ours" !
THi LANGUAGE or FLOWERS.-Anthologic for "My dear Jim."
FEE. 25, 1880.]
THE ART OF POLITE CONVERSATION.
POOR woman! yes, the story's queer
And he's but quite a lad!
Her sister, too, they tell me, dear,
Is really just as bad.
You know she paints-so people say-
And if she did no worse !-
Well, well, I only heard to-day
The child's put out to nurse.
And did it really never strike
You that they don't agree ?
I know, my dear, I shouldn't like
Such gossip about me.
But he's-oh awful things I'm told,
I really can't repeat
The scandal-male things are so bold,
And full, dear, of deceit.
I only wish-but never mind-
That-well, no matter who-
Would not bo-really-quite so blind-
I know what I should do.
'Tis not for me to cause alarm,
But yet the way they nod !
Of course, dear, it may mean no harm,
But still I think it's odd.
I thought that you'd the story heard!
Dear, dear I blush for shame
To think I should have said a word
Against my neighbour's fame.
And strange to say they're both so plain,
Of course we all know that-
What going, dear ?-come soon again
And have a friendly chat.
A Weighty Remark.
THE pleasantest "waits" to listen to at any season.
-" The Dinner Waits."
WHAT M1R. M--CK-x-CHIE SAYS IN EFFECT.-" I'll be
hanged if I'll be suspended !"
HEADS AND TALES.
Friend :-" J-AVE YOU HEARD THOSE EXTRAORDINARY" TALES THAT ARE
WAGGING ABOUT THE SECRET SOCIETIES IN RUSSIA ? "
Phileosoepher:- "YAAS; BUT HAVE YOU THOUGHT WHAT EXTRAORDINARY
HEADS THOSE FELLOWS MUST HAVE WHO WAG SUCH TALES"'
NATIONAL DEMONSTRATION OF WOMEN.
FRon OUR OWN DEMONSTRATOR.
I DOx'T quite know what you mean by the Manchester school, sir,
fdr I scorn your narrow, nonsensical masculine politics; but if Man-
chester doesn't start a school of Women Emancipators after this-I
ought to say Womancipators-Manchester doesn't deserve to be called
Womanchester, which our association has suggested it does. For it
made us decidedly welcome, sir, and took such an interest in the
Demonstration that quite a crowd of enthusiastic citizens followed
throe of our leading Bloomers as they walked to their hotel. I heard,
too, that the landlord had to object to their having their, cigars in the
coffee-room, because it created such a furore among the customers; but
of course, one can't expect men to curb their enthusaism as women
would on a like occasion. Some rather resented the fact that we made
them pay half-a-crown for entrance to the gallery, while we had
possession of the body without payment; but we represented that if
We had paid it would have been our husband's or father's money in
most cases, and that quieted the complainants. But the ribaldry of
some creatures in the gallery passes all belief and comment.
For instance, there was actually a loud, coarse guffaw when the
chairwoman declined to take the chair because it killed" the colour
of her dress-a sweet pretty mauve, but not the thing I should wear
if I were forty and had false teeth; and when we came to the debate
on tied backs and Bloomerism, I had to suggest that the gallery be
cleared. I am sorry to say that Bloomerism lost, despite the devoted
efforts of Mrs. (divoree) Marcella Corinne Crump, of Chicago,
whose demonstration that you could make the reformed dress even
more expensive than the other ought to have brought over every
ckrnest thinking woman. But. the good cause was triumphant in the
matter of Woman's Vehicular Rights; and you will be glad to hear,
sir, that, when we have succeeded, no man shall be allowed to enter a
it lway carriage until every woman on the platform is seated; that the
insides of omnibuses shall be exclusively reserved for women; and
J ______. ___ .
that cabs occupied by males shall be compelled to stop and disgorge
their contents directly they are hailed by a woman. The prior right
of perambulators to the pavement was also granted, together with the
making of the act of treading on a dress a criminal offence.
The debate as to woman's place in the Law and the Church was
somewhat disfigured by an acrimonious discussion as to whether
gowns and surplices were really becoming or not, a vast majority
supporting the surplice, without prejudice to the gown, while a few
forward things would have the gowns only-with a view to the
eventual silk and ermine, I'm sure. The matrimonial laws were then
amended in a thoroughly just sense. Latch keys are to be mutual,
and no club is allowed on one side when the other hasn't got one.
The power of the purse lies with the wife, but (for we were even
generous in some of these matters) the husband is to have the right to
order dinner every other day. Matrimonial causes to be tried by amixed
panel of men and women ; but a jury of women alone to determine
those cases caused by the crime of stopping out late.
An antiquated creature, who appeared in a crinoline, had to be ex-
pelled the hall for making an absurd plea for Baby; but that was the
only drawback to a thoroughly harmonious meeting.
A FAILED MISSION.
Ws HiE first in Yankee-land Parnell
Arrived, the people said he came
The tale of Ireland's wrongs to tell,
And set the country in a flame.
But though with kindness he was met,
From recent news there's now small doubt
That all Parnell is like to get,
Is just a broad hint'to get-oert.
A FowLInw PIEcE.-A gun that gets clogged with firing,
[FEB. 25, 1880.
GRAND AND IMPORTANT DISCOVERY!
Reading of the wonder find of undoubted masonic signs at toe base of that obelisk, by Lieutenant Commander Gorringe, Mr. FuN has been ferretting under
one of the other obelieks in those parts, and with the result of finding undoubted proofs not only that the builder of the obelisk was a regular subscriber to FUN,
but also that the great periodical was in existence at the very beginning of history I
V 017V K P 4n 6
In the first place, the base (No. 1) of the monum nt is square, in evident allusion to FUN s principles and conduct. Pursuing his investigations, Fu. discovered,
near the base, a heap of small stones (2), one hundred and fifty-three of which, when arranged side by side (3), gave the precise number of the 'ffie in Fleet-street I
He then found a heap (4) of larger stones, a number of which arranged in a certain manner (5), actually formed the words FLEET STREET I FUN Aas then
gratified to discover a black stone, and, a few miles off, another stone of a beautiful tone a little removed from white (6)-an obvious allusion to the printing of FuN
in black on a toned ground. (7) represents the precise position of Mr. FuS when engaged in arranging the smaller stones.
1IOF COIND S TE
By careful investigation, Mr. F. then fund LLB, iu walking over a segmuient of a circle drawn from a centre a little east of the centre of the base, he could see,
in succession, three sides of the base; this corresponded to the three letters F. U. N.; but there remained one side hidden from view, this 1 side representing Adam
who was 1 (i.e., the lbtj man; and it also set forth the price of Fux-1 penny, absolutely proving that Adam paid one penny for FuN; while the stones on that side
were regular, meaning that Adam took ia the paper regular. FUN likewise found towards the W. a stone (8) beautifully, yet not foppishly, dressed ; ad on the ..
another stone (9), in a ragged condition-an allusion to the gradual polishing, as it were, of the periodical from the period of its commencement at 80, Fleet-street,
to the time of its present perfection after moving eeataeard to 153. Near the base were 3 stones (10) remarkalely priced in a figure corresponding to the sign
(.' .) (C. A. T.) of the FUN OFFICE CAT; and also some large stones (the Pharaohs), each having beside it a little round stone (a penny, for the purchase of
FUN). Finally, there were certain stones arranged over the ground so as obviously to set forth some word, which, however. FUN has as yet been unable to decipher.
IFUIN.--FEB. 25. 1880.
~ ~\<\ \
THE OBSTINATE PIG.
Yorthcote:-" DANG ME, IF 01 CAN LEAD 'UN OR DRIVE 'UN."
FEB. 25, 1880.] F'U N 79
A REGULAR "STROKE."
Landlady :-'" My customers say your beer has been bad lately. Can
it be the water? "
Drayman:-" Oh, no, mum, it can't be the water, as the guv'nor
has it paralysed (analysed) every month "
IN THE MIDST OF AGITATION THE PROPHET IS CALM--THE DRINK
QUESTION-SANDOWN FIRST SPRING 1MEETING-THE SPRING HANDI-
CAPS-THE BOAT RACE.
PALS AND PATRONS ALL,-The excitement consequent upon the
Southwark Election has in no way interfered with the discharge of
my duty as a tipster; though I do not think you will find a more
ardent politician than myself, or one more Liberal to the backbone.
Not that I don't think the Tories behave best as regards closing the
"publics," but there isn't much to choose between the two parties on
that point, after all. For what I say is this, why should I be baulked
of my harmless, necessary, ordered medicinally glass just because
Bill Jones doesn't know when he's had enough ? Why, I say-but
this is not sporting matter. To turn thereto, the Sandown First
Spring Meeting commences to day (24th), and the following is
Mr TIP FOR THE PRINCE or WALES' STEEPLECHASE.
Brave Sir Wilfrid Lawson aid,
See what mighty ills attack us,
See us standing all dismay'd,
Should the field give way to Bacchus ;
Shifnal doesn't care a cuss,"-
Tow'rs, a prince, above the others ;
Of the chance of Sisy-phus
Do not make a fuss, my brothers.
More success St. George may earn,
Says this best of indicators ;
Weathercock should have a turn;
Tuba is no small potaters" ;
Messman makes no mess of it;
Bird of Prey should get a nibble ;
Though the prize, I must admit,
May be taken by a Quibble.
I hope you like this tip. For my own part I don't believe in it,
but I'm not going to spoil my private bets by giving the actual
winner, even at my increased scale of remuneration. I shall take a
holiday for the next fortnight in some quiet country hostelry where
the vintages are good and the landlord not always obtruding his
little account," and carefully look through the weights for the
Spring Handicaps, so expect some good tips from, Yours, &c.,
P.S.-Keep your eye on Cambridge for the Boat-race.
P.S. 2.-Keep your other eye on Oxford.
Oh, will you ? Forewarned is forearmed."-ED. FUN.
NINON AT THE ADELPHI.
As doggrel-ised by the Dramatis Personce.
DooMED for three acts to be misunderstood,
I pass for bad, though really very good;
The saviour of my country 's what I scheme to be,
I'm nothing like the naughty man I seem to be.
I'm no republican, no girl betrayer,
No howling democrat, no monarch slayer,
No roue, debauchee, mad rake, or devil;
In fact, to tell the truth, I'm Henry Neville.
I succour beauty in distress,
All danger rate at zero,
My mission 'tis to wrongs redress,
To rescue princes, love profess,
And prove myself a hero.
Of love I make pretence St. Cyr to diddle-
A woman I, in consequence a riddle,
My trusting sister's death lies at his door
(But that you'll find is cleared up in Act Four).
Revenge I seek, but in my purpose falter,
And, 'stead of scaffold, lead him to the altar.
In fact-between us-when I've killed him-nearly-
I find too late I love St. Cyr sincerely.
I'm passionate, I'm handsome, young, and strong ;
I'm "everything by turns and nothing long."
Oh, I'm the girl that can
Deceive unwary man,
And slowly, surely lure him to his fate.
Perhaps better wouldd have been
Had he braved the guillotine
Than chosen crafty Ninon for his mate.
I'm Ninon's pa ; for St. Cyr's life importunate,
In my two daughters I am far from fortunate.
The one a spy and traitor I have taught to be,
The other died-no better than she ought to be.
I cry for vengeance, none than I are crueller,
I am, indeed, a most bloodthirsty jeweller,
And as I rave against all Jack-a-dandies,
I'd be a bore if I were not-Fernandez.
With my silvery locks and respectable air,
I ought to be feeble and mild,
But as Ninon endeavours St. Cyr to ensnare,
I stamp and I fume and I rage and I swear
'Gainst the villain who ruined my child-
For I'm riled.
I am, to tell the truth, a drunken jailer,
At kings and crowns and lords a wholesale railer.
The democratest democrat am I,
A red republican of reddest dye;
To me sweet mercy is a total stranger,
Until I plead for it my life in danger.
I'm a wine loving sot
Who delights in a booze,
And a pris'ner I've got
Who can cobble my shoes.
Aha He shall dance
Young Capet, oho !
Once Dauphin of France,
To the scaffold you go.
The lynx eyed Public I, that keen observer,
With gaze of Argus, wisdom of Minerva,
Hark to my words, they are not given lightly,
List to the verdict echoed by me nightly,
The play's a good one, hereby I decree it,
But all the same you'd better go and see it.
.inon is a pretty play
Performed at the Adelphi,
'Tis written, so the programmes say,
By Mister Wills himself-y.
IT has been "raining cats and dogs" in Paris, according to
Galignani. The Republicans don't care for this, however; "hailing
kings is what they most dread.
80 F U N [FEBa. 25, 1880.
S"No cure-no pay," empirics say.
Doubtful; but be this as it may,
All I would add is Dekkho !" *
Observe, that priests of any school,
Suspended for some breach of rule,
The words may truly echo.
'Seems, though, to me, the powers that be,
Girt with such wide authority,
While pruning aown excesses,
S I OE -IViz., snuffing out the altar lights,
P.. H And interfering with the rites
Which Mother Church professes,
G Might with advantage turn their gaze
t oe To churches which, on holy days,
Are closed with seal hermetic;
Where rules are slighted, rubrics scorned,
And altars, which should be adorned,
Gleam bare and uiuesthetie.
Is it, we ask, a worthy task
For those who in high places bask
To pet these lazy fellows,
A just or even prudent step
wen. ITo let the laggards all escape,
E eAnd crush the over-zealous ?
FROM GRAVE TO GAY.
of IT is said that the Americans now reprint the Nine-
S Rteenth Century at a very low price, but, in order to
V_ A_ enliven it, they are inserting in the reprint a novel of
S. iss Braddon's. There is something so judicious in this
N D K mixture of the light with the heavy that the example
-might be profitably followed in the case of other publica-
tions; and we would suggest that the below-mentioned
bi Zefore e- editions should be prepared in furtherance of this
Milton's" Paradise Lost" interspersed with readings
S.from Mark Twain."
---d Bacon's Novum Organon," embellished with the
"Whims and Oddities of Thomas Hood.
BE BLOW- ED. Bunyan's "Pilgrim's Progress," interleaved with v
Novel by Ouida.
"Yss, nEi RIvERENCE, ALL THIM NAMES HE CALLED ME, AN', SS Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations," alternated with
wOrLDN'T DEMANE MESELF TO LOSE ME TIMP'E WID SUCH A LOW C ILACEGYARD,' Sketches by Boz."
SO I JIST KNOCKED HIM OTER WID THE STI(K AND COME AWAY. Hindustani for look "
CAPE EROICS. COLONEL (in despair). Hulloa men, right wheel, quick march !
AAPtTE Dor. Re TaooPERs (laughing.) Not if we know it, old cock. Gi'e 's some
(AFTErn D. RUSSELL'S CIRCUMSTANTIAL AND AUTHORITATIVE ACCOUNT.) rum.
COLONEL. Glorious fun, this hunting those dastardly savages into COLONEL. Well, come along, there's some rum over there-oceans
their holes. What a hideous, degraded lot of vermin they are of it; come away.
MAJOin They are: but I say, Colonel, aren't our fellows riding (Leads them to open field, where they can get drunk without anybody sei,,g
rather too near us ? Looks nasty, you know. them, and without committing mischief.)
COLONEL (looking nervously behind). I--I think they are hurrying COMMANDER-IN-CIEF (riding up furiously). hero the dickens
rather. I'd really better give the order to slacken speed, for the brave have my pearl studs gone ?
fellows have their revolvers loaded, and they didn't like my stopping MAJOR. Let me see, I think it was the Eighth Battalion stole theF.
the sack of that village last night. COMMRANDER-IN-CHIEF. And all my new shirts ?
MAeR. I think you'd better, if it's any use, for they are laughing COLONEL. Worn by the third company of the Fourth.
rather hoarsely, and I know they don't like me, ever since that time COMMANDE-IN-CI[IEF. And the staff's starving; we can't find a
when I wouldn't let them roast the two Basuto chiefs.
COLONEL. Here, menmy good fellows, you needn't be in such a bag of biscuits or a tin of beef. Where is it all gone ?
COdevil of a hurry; we shamell-my goodet there in time for bneedn't be in such MAJOR. The Three Hundredth and Thirty-ninth pillaged that
devil of a hurryNK; w e shall get there bu time for bed. part of your baggage, and you needn't look for the champagne, for the
FCOLONEL Brav e fellows like you don't want-supper ? Seventy-seventh have got that.
SECOLONEL Brave fellows like you don't want- there and let's COLONEL. Oh, and by the by, they were raffling your watch last
get along; we're a-going to knock the Boer gammonnd the blares abound let's a night by the light of two burning farm houses.
biget befalongre we're a- go to bedng to knock the Boers and the blacks about au. COMMhANDER-IN-CHIEF. Merciful powers, has it come to this ? Where
bit before we go to bed, I can tell you. is the British soldier of my youth F
Ride into township. Oflicers barricade themselves in hotel and hide under MAJOR. Probably hanging Indians at Cabul.
beds. Men run riot, smashing windows, looting spirits, etc. When the (R intoo n bricade hemselves;also et unr b
dAchen hasap, itsofirst and t oferesce troopers condescend to become sober and continue march in search Jf
MAJOR. I say, we ought to have a conference here with a Boer horrid savages).
bigwig and a Black chief. What's to be done ? hr iaBr ods g
SEVERAL TROOPEas (reeling). Let's hang the cursed old Colonel
and bastinado the Major. ZEsthetic Culture.
COLONEL. Yes, they're really too disgraceful to be seen by either -WVo shall say that Sweetness and Light" have not penetrated
Basutos or Boer. Nice thing to say of British soldiers, isn't it ? And, even to the .ubstrata of the community. Who would have expected
confound it all, what are they doing there? the drivers of railway vans to have known anything about new operas
MAJOR. Drawing words for a rush through yonder burgher's a few years since ? Yet last week we distinctly heard a number of
house; and his wife is ill and his children are in bed. Oh, they're busy Pickford's car-men, doubtless out of compliment to the gifted
bold British soldiers, I believe you. young composer of their namesake opera, say, "Now we're Bizet "
Ihe NewEpaper says, in the matter of a railway accident on the Birkenhead
and Ch- ter railway :-" At this point there happened (sic) to be on the same
liae a coal train belonging to the London and North Western Company." The
reporter probably wrote the sentence without any satirical intent; yet, as we
turn to our daily collision in our journal, how singularly well-chosen the
expression *' happened," appears!
SING hey diddle diddle, the laws of chance,
Affairs they sway
In the mightiest way,
And they lead the reporter a pretty fine dance ;
And.mortals must needs obey.
The train was approaching its destined place;
It went at regular spanking pace,
Till it rattled again-
And a mineral train
Jusf'happened to be on the self-same line ;
How ever it happened they couldn't divine:
But, having no use for it on that day, .
The Company told it to wander away, ,
S While left on.thehelf ..... ,
And amuse itself;
And it happened to choose, as its place to lie,
The line where the passefiger trains come by,;
And, somehow, it happened-there came a- smash,
..And the passengers:? They
By chance got away ..
With just an occasional bruise and gash;
It well might have happened, if. chance had willed
That the passengers might have (by chance) been killed.
So praise should be
To the Companee
That possible evils were not fulfilled.
Sing hey, and the sway of King Chance is great:
And it happens the mine's in a dangerous state ;
And a miner chap
By a strange mishap
Remembers he's not had a smoke of late
By a strange misfortune he loses sight
Of the fire and damp "'
And forces his lamp,
As chance will have it, to take a light;
And then-(Oh the rigour of fortune's lash!)-
As chance will have it, there comes a crash
And a figure is added to Death's old dance--
And all, you perceive, by the merest CHANCE I
Sing hey for the goodness of man's intent;
Sing ho for omnipotent ACCIDENT ;
Sing hey for the mighty King Chang's rg : -n
For the tnginear hall en_]py his brain,
AqS his boast lore sallistruct hid han4.
lU building a bridge that.shall well withstand$
The downward strain
Of,a passing train--
Bet the frost and trb wind end the- storm remain
Wall ut of hie sight,
Till therb eCmes a night
When quickly obeying King i.'unc's,frown,
AsJutk will have it, the bridge (omesadown!
Sing hey, in our impotent human mob
Are certain who happen to forge and rob;
Or, with hopeless glance
At the might of chance,
TWho chance to find, in the course of time,
That they've happened to choose a career of crime,
We wifl let things go,
King Chance is so haughty and rules us so !
Sing hey, and we happen to take to drink,
Sing ho, and our ironclads chance to sink;
And the King has a liking for bloodshed, for
Full often we happen to go to war.
The safety-valve we unduly load,
And we find the boiler, by chance, explode;
And we light the fire and, by chance, it burns;
And we roll a ball and we find it turns.
Sing who but the shallow and foolish pause
For an instant's space
To attempt to trace
That very improbable phantom-CAusE ?
Sing who but the silly who don't refleet
Employ the ridiculous term-Erner.?
So humbly advance,
And salute KING CsHNex,
And feebly acknowledge his sway's.extent!
Much trouble it saves
To become the slaves
Of him and his chancellor, AccIDENT.,
WE have received the following letter from ournold friend Neptune,
which we give in extenso :-
THE SOUNDING MAIN," Jan. 27th, 1880.
DEAR MR. FUN,---My dictionary calls science "Knowledge reduced
to system "; I call it, Knowledge reduced to a system-of annoy-
ance "-and that miserable portion of this planet which you, Mr. Fun,
alone adorn is so cram full of science that it annoys me and mine
nigh beyond endurance. You, Mr.- Fun, are the only scientific per-
son in this world who does not annoy others, and it is to you, there-
fore, I .make my protest. Just picture to yourself-you're good at
pictures, you know-my sad position-and weep.
Man, Mr. Fun, does everything in crazes, and those wretched
things which "crawl between heaven and earth" seem just now
afflicted with an unreasoning mania for exploring the depths of my
domain. I can't move out of my front door without tripping up over
some confounded electric cable. You send ships like the Challenger,
poking and prying all over the place, dropping nets to see what you
can pick up and rob me of, and, in a way of return, I suppose, you
pitch all your rubbish into me; someone dropped a dead cow down
the chimney of my Atlantic Palace, and it has smoked ever since.
Not long ago, as I was taking a constitutional in the Sea of Marmora,
the anchor of some stupid ironclad hooked my Sunday trident out of
my hand.- You illumine my depths with electric light, and prevent
us going to sleep, and my subjects die in scores from the effects of
concussion of the brain brought on by torpedoes. The sea is mineo,
the land I leave to you. Dig a hole, if you must blow something up,
and stand on the top, if you like. Then again, the confounded
annexation craze of your Government is too bad; you send down
demons with leaden feet and large copper heads, as though they had
water on the brain, to try and frighten me and mine out of possession,
and you basely abducted one of my young women and showed her for
a shilling a head at your Aquarium. There, what do you think of
that for an indictment? I think, Mr. Fun, you will confess it is
unanswerable; but the worst is to come, which hqas .filled my cup to
overflowing, for I hear that some ingenious gentleman has invented
an apparatus for photographing the depths of the sea and the things
therein! This is too much. Kill us, rob us, worry us, but do not,
O, do not infect us with the photographic mania'! I cannot bear the
notion of my wife, .Amphitrite, figuring in your shop-windows as
feeding stqoe4 fowls, 'or stickingdher cheek close against a da4o, of
ieotral tin#s. I cannot eadne the idea of myself represented as saying
,my prayers, or sitting in my shb-sleeves d tla Sunday morning, or
my nymphs wearing the stereotyped portrait smile, in company wb ch
iis equivocal if good-looking. This would be more than I could stand.
f I.ar Mr. Fun, I c4ll on you, in the interestsof marine humanity,
'to raise your. potent voice against, such a cruel outrage on me and
mine. Ridicule kills," say the French. Ridicule the notion, an4
serve-Your distressed admirer, (Signed.) NEPTUNE.
HORIZONTAL PUNCHING MACKINB.-A floored prize-fighter. -
SFUB. 2S, 1880.]
82 FUN.T [FEB. 25, 1880.
A NEW PERSUASION.
X. F. H. :-"ISN'T THAT THE HORSE I SAW YOUR FATHER ON, MISS MARY?"
iss :-" YES, I PERSUADED PA TO BUY HIM! I WANTED A CHANGE, AND I KNEW PA WOULD NO MATCH FO HIM
"Spare the Rod ." Advertising's Artful Aid.
A FISHMONGERS wife named Ward, living at Tunstall, has been TIME was when America was pre-eminently the land of advertisers;
found guilty of ifltreating her servant maid, aged 12, but let off by the anut the f folrowing etact:from the oersm to efth completely eclipses
magistrates with a fine, "in consequence of her having young
children to attend to." Considering that she was proved to have ime ab anda grl. I entreat my friends and patrons to support
unmercifully belaboured a girl of twelve with a poker and broom- me stoutly excellent butter, well worth its price. Similarly,
sausage ad cheese. Berlin, 2 February, 1880." We hope the
handle, we should have thought the less she attended" to young u ancient as met with the success it deserved, for few tradesmen
children the better; but the Tunstall magistrates think otherwise, for cld gv f b fml p ors.
their verdict countenances young children having their whack of could give better evidence of being family purveyors.
Mrs. Ward's poker and broom-handle.
Wiry is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old ?-Because she has not
Fair but not False. much on 'er in her own country.
SOME special services have been held at Brighton, amongst others yNow sReady, Two Bhillings and Sixpence; by post, Three Shillings,
one for cabmen, during which a couple of rivers got into a dis- Companion to "THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
cussion with the minister, and told him that fares, espiallyiadies, Companion to THE BRITISH WOKIN MAN,"
were fond of attempting to cheat the cabman. The notion'of'cheating THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
a cabman is awfully exhilarating! Who could ever hope to succeed? at By J. F. SULLITAN.
any rate not a lady fair. No, no, cabby,.you may not-be as black as
you are painted (that is not necessary), but believe :that ladies try to Not Ready, One Shilling, by post, is. 2d.,
cheat you we cannot, and we regard the statement as ."rank false- LFE N LODG I N S. BY TOM HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BT FRED. BARNARD.
HINI ON CARVING.-Cutting a sole is a sole-cism. Fun Office, Fleet-street, E.C.
DOME BLACK CAUTION! I||i'
A DEL A Imitations of Cadbury's Cocoa Essence are
on ger ad often pushed by Shopkeepers for the sake
BRILLIANT i! CLEAN!! NO DUST!! of extra profit. Be sure that you obtain *
For Excellence of Mn e For Cleanliness the Original Article, which may be relied
FI i Makers by special appointment to e ee theQue. Neither .rtch nor spurt, the point being roured ba ne
ther Sample Bountenans pooun fryhiren having ther
E. JAMES & SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH. Paris Depet: 90, Faubourg St. Honore. maSa m. dno r o Street .c
Printod by JUDD & 10 Phanix Works, St. Andrew'. Hil, Doctore Oommons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 163, Fleet Street B.O.-London, February 25.1880.
MARCH 3, 1880.]
IY <, \J ti --
A CONTENTED MIND.
Lady:-" THEY TELL ME YOUR COW NEVER GIVES ANY MILK, BETTY?"
Old Betty :-" No, MuM, SHE DON'T GIVE HARDLY ANY. BUT, BLESS 'ER, 'EART, SHE'LL eat AS MUCH AS TWO 0' THEM GOOD MILKERS !
THE PHILOSOPHY OF MODERN LIFE.
OH, 'tis wise to be jolly and never give way,
Though men prove false and though women deceive,
And although in your heart you may feel far from gay,
Why, pluck up your courage-and make believe.
Yes, 'tis well to be merry and never despair :
Ye sons of old Adam and daughters of Eve
Just give heed to my wisdom and cast aside care,
Or if you can't do so-then make believe.
Not a penny had I, my relations were dust;
But in this was no reason why I should grieve,
For I wore a bold face and I lived upon trust;
I knew I'd no fortune-but made believe.
Oh my birth it was humble, my parents were bad,
But greatness I felt I was born to achieve,
So I hinted about that a lord was my dad;
It was' nt the fact but-I made believe.
For 'tis wise to stand well in the eyes of the great,
Though foolish, perhaps wrong, to tell falsehoods or thieve,
Truly noble's the man who can combat his fate,
And is great in the science of "making believe."
Then a maiden I met-she was ugly and old,
I paid her my court and I laughed in my sleeve,
As I called her an angel for sake of her gold ;
I couldn't adore her-but made believe.
We are married Ah me I am frightfully bored,
But I've sworn to my Gorgon for ever to cleave ;
Still, some business, it happens, oft calls me abroad,
To my sorrow and grief-so I make believe.
For 'tis wise to be jolly, and never give way,
Though men may prove false and though women deceive,
And although in your heart you may feel far from gay,
Why, pluck up your courage-and make believe !
THE rumour that, in consequence of the recent attempted assassination
of the Czar, that monarch intended to give his subjects a Constitution
seemed to us unlikely. He would hardly be likely to part with what
he wants himself-a strong Constitution.
The Exeter Cabmen have shown their great dislike to the compulsory
wearing of badges by making up a parcel of those articles and leaving
them at the town clerk's office: but we really don't see why he should
A public meeting is to be held at Brighton to consider what steps
shall be taken to give the volunteers a hearty welcome." We should
say, well, come: a hearty meal.
At Cincinnati it appears "Mr. Parnell was warmly welcomed."
We fancy when he re-appears in the House he will get rather "a
The two London gentlemen (?) who have been fined 15 at Brighton
for keeping a carriage and male servant without a licence must have
been somewhat out of their armoriall) bearings."
There is a preparation advertised as "The skin tightener." To
our mind the most pleasant skin tightener is a good dinner. [We have
severely censured our Contributor for this coarse joke.-ED.]
Under a Spell.
IT is strange, seeing that the word acquired such a general reputa-
tion as a catch one during the prevalence of Spelling Bees, how soon
the papers have forgotten-or fa-gotten, "-may we say ? that "fa-
got is spelt with only one g." The Telegraph, the Daily News,
the Echo, and many other of our contemporaries in their frequent
allusions to the fagot-making in Midlothian invariably use two. The
mistake is an unfortunate one, for it would seem to show not only
that their orthography is at fault, but their g "-ography as well!
A Tapis Thought.
WHEN chemists meet they do not ask what there is new in the way
of chemicals on the tapis." They always, for consistency sake, ask
what there is new on the drug-get instead of carpet.
VOL. XXXI.-NO. 773.
84 FUN. [MAxcw 3, 1880.
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
DRAMATIC TYPES.-No. 5. THE LOW COMEDIAN.
HO'UGH all the host
Of "pro's" you scan,
'f" This is the most
You say, How fine
The hero acts ;
At times attracts ;
The villain then
May praise engage-
But only when
He's off the stage.
When he appears
The rest grow dim,
And laughs and cheers
Are all for him.
His "wheezes" big
(The strangest batch),
- His ruddy wig
That's called a
S'1'His humble clo'es
S (They're often rags),
\, | His reddened nose,
The funny man
That's called The Low
Mr. -Boucicault is coming back to England -appearing in the
S- -i, -,:.tL. ofhis pieces at the Adelphi, early in April. Ashe
himself performs the part of the hero in the piece named it is obvious
that the play will be well Conn'd. His new drama (not to be produced
until the autumn, however) is called, appropriately to his return,
Fag-a-beallac (Clear the way).
By the way, this same drama was originally named Faugh-a-Ballagh
but, it having been discovered that that title has already been appro-
priated (another old title !) MIr. Boucicault avoids the difficulty by
altering the spelling as above, which, says that graphic author, is
Mr. Bancroft's acquirements have long been many,- but he has
recently added another-he has acquired the right of adapting Messrs.
eilhac and Halevy's La Petite Mere to the English stage. It is a
three-act comedy with a part (originally written for Madame Chau-
mont) in which it is expected misses Bancroft will make a hit.
At a morning performance at the Folly, which is announced for the
17th inst., a new four-act comedy by Mr. G. R. Douglas, author of
Stage Land, will be produced. It will be under the direction of Mr.
Markby, which gives the author every chance of making a Markby
the production and (pecuniarily speaking) having a good (stage) land.
S.I have also seen several preliminary puffs of A Quiet Pipe, a come-
dietta by Mr. Sydney, M. Samuel and Miss Cowen (to be produced
on the same occasion), in which Miss Blanche Henri (in conjunction
with Mr. Macklin) will appear and chant a song expressly composed
for her by Mr. Cowen; and I need scarcely remark Cowen chanting
that will be. It is to be hoped her efforts will not end in- smoke-
Henri-flection, I think there is little danger of that.
A new drama by Mr. H. Frankfort, Moore has been accepted by
Mrs; Bateman, and will appear in the Sadler's Wells bills as Stranded
-not WFrecked. It is satisfactory to thus learn that it will not be an
utter failure, for Mr. 'Moore is favourably, known as the author of
'-'Daireen and other novels, and this turning aside into stage paths
is rather a Daireen step to take.
A new farce is -coming out at the Vaudeville. It will be A Fright-
Though the Bancrofts have taken 3ioney with them to the Hay-
market, there is still A Little -Change at the Prince of Wales's.-N-STOi.
You'll be very ungrammatical when you say itW but who cares ?--N.
As the daily papers are just now devoting a portion of their space
to "Election Intelligence," Mr. FuN feels it incumbent upon him to
give a few details concerning the coming electoral struggle and the
parties who intend struggling.
FIXsa u iy.-Owing to the divergence of opinion existing between
Mr. Torrens and his constituents, the Liberal Association has invited
Lord Ramsay to be the next candidate at the general election. His
lordship has declined on the score that, although he would not mind
sitting for the borough, he objects to stand for it.
KILKENNY.-Mr. Dowling, in issuing his address to the Cat
County," has stated that he "embraces the entire programme of
Home Rule." It is said that there are not a few of those electors
who would embrace him could he tell them what that programme
CARLISLE.-With regard to the contest for the representation of
this town in the next Parliament, we are in a position to state that
Sir W. Lawson will not be a "total abstainer."
LOTHIAx.-The rival candidates will shortly, it is rumoured, com-
mence their canvass here. It is believed that faggot votes will
exert considerable influence upon the result on account of the narrow-
ness ofthe issue at stake.
SOUTH DEvoN.-We have it on excellentauthority that it is in-
tended, to run a gentleman named, Southcote at the next election in
this division as a foil to the candidate for North Devon, Sir S. North-
cote ,though many think that a dove-cote is more suited to the latter
MAR-ziYrno-NE.-It is whispered that Dr. Kenealy has expressed his
intention of standing for this borough, on the ground that marrow-
bone is so closely connected with K-neely.
P PEMBnOKE.-Mr. E. J. Reed has decided again to become the Pem-
broke-n Reed, if the electors will permit.
LEWES.-The present member for Londonderry will contest this
seat at the General Election.
DUNDEE.-One of the candidates for the honour of being the mem-
ber for Marmalade will, it is said, be Sir Robert Peel. Sir Robert's
place at Tamworth will be canvassed by the present member for
Grantham, Mr. Henry Cust.
PETERSrIELD.-Mr. Serje.nt Simon will stand for this constituency.
CITY or Loe DON.-It is reported that Mr. Goschen will not seek
the suffrages of the City electors again. He thinks himself more
fitted for a seaside constituency from the fact of his name rhyming
MEATH.- Mr. Parnell will relinquish his seat for Meath at the end
of the session, and will be one of the members of the Home Rule sent
WVITzNEY.-A deputation of the-leading members of both parties,
Liberal and Conservative, in Witney, has waited upon Mr. FiN,
requesting him to stand. He took them to a coffee-tavern.
A DRY SUBJECT.
OH Sarah, Sarah, had you said at first
That you were plagued with this continual thirst,
Ne'er of my heart and fortune you'd been sharer !
You drink, drink; drink; and yet for aye are dry,
Like sand you sop up liquid Sarah, fie !
'Twere right you had been called the great Sa-ha-ra-
So I'll desert you, dear-what could be fairer ?
It's Naughtonomous, but is'it Nice ?
I- Asia Minor the autonomous form of Government so often pro-
mised to certain provinces is now spoken of as a "naught-onomous
one," because there is evidently nothing in it.
A WHOLLY unprecedented occurrence was reported in the newspapers
the other day ;-" A collision has occurred en the London and North-
Western Railway. Ar luggage train was being shunted, and while
it was on the main line just outside the station, a passenger train,"
&c., &c. How refreshing in its newness and unfamiliarity is this
piece of news. Fancy the L. & N. W. R.. having a shunting
THE Globe shows itself possessed of extraordinary cleverness in
tracing causes. It says :-" An explosion of gas occurred last evening,
in the vestry room of the Congregation Chapel in Robert-street,
Grosvenor-square. It arose from an escape of gas."
M n. MIe 3MULLEN has re d from the L.. C. & D. Railway the
sum of 4,500 as compensation for injuries received in the Sittingbourne
accident: It is not'everyone who recovers so well'irom an accident.
MAuma 3p. 18840.]; 11JI~~ 85 -
(Being an- expostulation, earnestly addressed to Dame Nature by Our
ALTHOUGH I own
The happiness of meeting you,
Dame Nature, ma'am,
Yet still I am
Enraged-to see them cheating you..,
I hate a plot,
And, though I've not
The least desire to kindle you '
To rage and hate,
I beg to state, -
Dame Nature,-ma'am, they swindle you. -.
Though man inclines.
To mean designs, ,
Whose aims are deep and latent, ma'ami a;
You never show
You even know
The meaning-of a PATENT, ma'am ...
And while you seem
To calmly dream,
Appearing so contented, ma'am,
Man dogs your heels,
And gaily steals
The notions you've invented, ma'am !
Now, how absurd-
(Excuse the word)-
To never have reflected, mum,
Ing out a thing
That thing should be "protected," mum !
It lines my brow
To ponder how -
Your profits must have dwindled, mumi
No one I've seen. !,.,.
Has. even been ,- -
So regularly swindled, mum
Why, up to'now-.
Your loss,- I vow,
Must be:na thing.to wink about,,
A fact IL deem
To be a- theme
You.might do .well to think about:
And while I praise
Your honest, ways, '
And fairness -and veracity).-
I feel distress,
That you possess s
No bu-irn.ss capacity, r.
Now, -your device
For making ioe
Will serve us as a sample, mum,
Of just one plan
Purloined by man,
Whoi. gains thereon are ample-nmum.:'. .
The way you raise
Your plants for days
Unnumbered he has known, you know ;
And, goodnesaikno.ws .
Are finer than'your own, ,yon know.!-
The secrets.you' ,.
You'll staAd aghast.-
To find how fast, .!
Discovery is travelling .,
Without a row .
They've copied now -
Your mightiest creation, marm.
They've made, I mean,
A strange machine..
Which -joins in.conversation, inmarm.- .
Unless you wake
To stopping ?mWe'.seamcalities, :,
They',l:in e tzice.-.a,
Your richest specialities :
They've set about
The turning out
Of diamopds-and shiAy ons.!..
You've time to get,
Your patent yet-
They've only made some tiny ones.
Now do! Now, come,
Bestir you, mum I
Allow no, more immunity .
To knowing wights .
Who'd filch'your .ights-.-
Exeuse my importunity i
The female .mind; ,..
Is not design'd.---r
(My' meaning's not disdainful, ma'am)-
For bus-i-ness, .
Of innocence is painful, ma'am.
THin! lI)E!M -As You ZLike Itis producedwith great care, and, for
the mostpatOrwitl success. The Rosalind of Miss Litton is an
intelligent:and artistic rendering of the part. She has a fine sense of
humour coupled with a full appreciation of the more delicate and
refinedpassages,-and in this character adds much to her reputation as
a high-clas.iactress.- Jaques, HermannVezin, is a most accomplished
and artistic piece of work; his speech, All the world's a stage," is
delivered in a manner near to perfection. Orlando, Kyrle Bellow, is
another proof of the dramatiopower-of this youngartist- Adam, 'V,
Farren, is pathetic, :but rather overdone in the tottering action.
Touchstone, L. Brough, is truly humorous. The music is all given
with great care: "Blow, blow, thou wintry winds," exquisitely sung.
The dressing of the piece is done with great taste from the designs of
the painter-actor, Forbes-Robertson. Of the scenery all is attractive :
the -Forest of Arden is by far the.best : Rosalind's cot is overdone with
prettiness, givingione too much- the idea of. a scene viewed through a
stereoseope;-As-.Y"ou Like It. ought to be a success to the management.
PmNncEc-or~W'WitSg's.-Forget Se Not is the piece chosen by Mr.
Edgiia~Buce,for-the opening oa his campaign at ithe little theatre
next\TottenehamaMourt-road, He might "havechosen a more agree-
able .piece,-;but.'he.has shown himself-equal -to the mounting of the
play in a waythat would have reflected-credit on the old management,
and this is -saying much. We have before' spoken sof the great
dramatic power of.Miss Genevieve Ward, Which shows to full effect in
Forget Me Not. We wish all success to Mr. Edgar Bruce.in his new
THE Panx.-The spirited managers, whose -programmei, is ever
changing,,-have produced The Green Bushed, Buckstone!swell]kniowni
melodrama -It is played by a 'good all round, company 'iMiiss Amy-.
Steinberg -as Miami-i and Miss Stella Brereten-?as Nelly! O-Neil,
deserving-special mention. The scenery is veryi-ffieative.
THE business of the licensed Victuallers' National Defence League
has been proceeded with, and a resolution has been passed pledging
members-" and a very convivial item of business too, and quite in
place among L. V.'s!
86 FUN. (MAKRc 3, 1880
THE PAUCITY OF CHURCHES.
"My brother," said our minister, "I have to earnestly appeal to you for funds for the erection of a new church or two, of which this neighbourhood stands in so
Next time our Special Congregation met him, he was more hopeful. "We are progressing," he said blandly; "we are building; in a short time, should all go
well, the urgent demand for an adequate supply of churches will have been complied with."
It was some time after this that he said, in his impressive way, My dear brother, does it not occur to us in the light of a duty to take more than one sitting at
each of the churches supplied for our benefit I"
FUNIJI.--MARcH 3, 1880.
THE RUSSIAN GAME OF "HIDE AND SEEK,"
As Played by the Czar and the Nihilists
MARCH 3, 1880.] FTUN 89
MUMPY AND GRUMPY.
First Boy :-" Hallo, Billy, got fhe mumps ? "
Second Boy :-" Yes, an' a wish you'd got 'em as bad."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL IN SEARCH OF THE POLE!
SOMEWHERE OVER STOKE POGIS, Saturday, 28 Feb.
THE sun was scarcely up, sir, and my little daughters were still,
every one of them, in bed, when, after an affecting parting with
my better-half, who, with a noble spirit of devotion worthy of
the extra-special's wife, begged at the last moment to be allowed to
accompany our exploring expedition as ballast, our balloon rose grace-
fully from my back-yard, and after, for some hours, hovering un-
decidedly about over Crouch-End, sailed away bravely in a south-east
by south direction.
As our object was to steer in a north-west by west direction, for I
knew that my brother-in-law had erected his scaffolding pole some-'
where in the island of Lewis-this start was not so encouraging as it
might have been, and I confess I did not share in the raptures with
which my two fellow-voyagers watched the orb of day flashing his
morning salutation to us in the countless panes of the Sydenham
Palace.* By the time, in fact, that we had left Pegwell Bay far
a-stern, I felt, as captain of our aerial craft, that something must be
done to change our direction, and called on my friends-one a poet
and the other an artist-to assist me in rigging up the steering appa-
ratus I had constructed for my balloon.
This apparatus, I may say, though manufactured principally from
an old gig umbrella and the fore wheel of a bicycle, had worked so
successfully (on paper) before starting, that I was not a little dis-
appointed to find its only effect, after setting it in motion by working
a treadle, was to cause the balloon to wobble so violently that the
poet, who was no practical aeronaut, and had only come, as he put it,
"to hold mystic communion with the Infinities of Space," turned
pale, and began to recite an impromptu epitaph on himself in a most
Determined not to give in without a struggle, I redoubled my efforts
on the treadle; and, as I tried to hope, with some slight influence on
our line of route, until the ascending odour of black coffee, and the
sight of a number of snowy white caps bobbing about on the earth
beneath us, convinced me but too surely that Boulogne was now under
-our feet; so that we were, in fact, getting farther every minute from
the scaffold Pole we had started to discover. This being the case, and
the poet, moreover, reviving sufficiently to threaten me with personal
violence if I did not cease from wobbling the car, I reluctantly hauled
in the steering apparatus and piped (or cigared," to be literally
exact) all hands to breakfast.
The foregoing narrative was written on the morning of Tuesday
last, sir, the 24th inst., and though it is now Saturday the 28th, we
are practically no nearer my brother-in-law and his pole than we were
four days ago. In the interim we have sailed over the greater part of
South-Eastern Europe, and for more than twenty-four hours have
been dawdling about the neighbourhood of Stoke Pogis, Bucks (the
artist recognized it by its church), unable, alas, to induce our balloon
to go either forward or backward. What is worse we cannot manage
to descend either, our tendency being to mount higher since last
SWe are far from ready to admit that the orb of day would-flash anything of
the sort in the neighbourhood of Sydenham at so early a period of the morning.
We most call upon our Extra-Special for an explanation, should he ever return.
evening in a thoughtless moment I allowed the poet, a heavy man of
some thirteen stone, to avail himself of our contiguity to the North
Foreland Lighthouse to quit the balloon, in order that he might look
in and surprise a maiden aunt who lives at Margate.
This was the more thoughtless of me as I had already, in the fulness
of my heart, scattered several hundreds of quires of the Valentine
number of FUN amongst the delighted inhabitants of Bosnia and the
Herzegovina. The result, as I have said, is that the artist and I find
ourselves mounting higher every moment, and there seems to be
much more chance of our reaching the moon than the Pole we are in
Thinking you will be feeling anxious about me I have decided to
enclose this hurried letter when finished in a preserved lobster tin
directed legibly to you, and then throw it over, hoping at the worst
it will not, for your sake, do much damage in the act of arriving on
the planet we are so anxious to reach again.
The valve, I may say, which Mr. Coxwell directed me to.open as a
last resource, refuses to work; and the artist who: seems going mad
in the rapidly rarefying atmosphere, is standing on tiptoe and making
vicious prods at the balloon with our toasting-fork.
Will you, without fail, on receiving this despatch an .expedition in
search of my brother-in-law, who will, Casabianca-like, stick to his
pole till found by someone or another ?
Break the news of my peril gently to my wife;. and, turn it-my
peril, I mean-to the best account you can in the paper.: The exhi-
bition of the lobster-tin in the publishing office window. ought to draw
well, perhaps well enough to be engraved, in which case you will
know how to act. Stoke Pogis is sparsely, inhabited, so I hope my
missive will not kill anything more.expensive than-a sheep.
If you think of it, tell. Coxwell of -my, dangerous situation, and
should you next get a letterdated from the moon don t be frightened.
P.S.-Don't let Cheyne's-Polar expedition start if you:can .help it,
after my sad experience of theperversity of balloons.
[EDITORIAL NOTE.-Just as we-were:going to, press a donkey-cart
with "Shadrach Mepple,, Stoke,
our office portal, and the drivertShadraolc]himself, after making much
mystery of-his errand,-produced a'lobsteritin directed to usi,from the
depths of-a voluminous& carpet-bag eof avery gay, pattern,.stating that
it had come down-his-bedroonv chimney the previous-evening, thereby
frightening Mrs.. Mepple into fits, from which it would take at least
five-and-twenty shillings, he added, on being pressed, to recover her.
Having given him this sum, with 2s. 6d. additional for the wear and
tear of his donkey and cart, Shadrach departed, leaving us to open
the tin and find the communications printed above. At present we
prefer to reserve any comments upon its extraordinary contents, and
shall consult an eminent aeronaut or two before saying or doing any-
LAST AND LOST.
LINEs ADDRESSED TO A THREEPENNY BIT.
AA little coin, I have got you here fast,
Though you're good you are small,
And, alas you're my all,
My everything now, love-my first and my last ;
You and I in misfortune together are knit,
Though I hold no man poor with a threepenny bit.
With a threepenny bit one buys numberless joys
On which t, regale;
A pint of six ale,
Or a nice fresh baked roll and two fat saveloys.
I feel myself rich as I lazily sit,
And think what I'll do with my threepenny bit.
Potatoes are filling-or tripe shall I try ?-
Soup pungent with spices,
Or coffee and slices ?
I really can't settle the best thing to buy.
'Twill surely the pleasure of supper enhance
To toss up my coin and decide it by chance.
So go, little coin. With a jerk and a flip
There you spin in the air !-
Now to catch you with care-
Ah 'tis cruel you thus through my fingers should slip.
Ah woe is me woe !-I shall ne'er see it back,
For my threepenny bit has gone down through a crack!
A Succes d' .Steam Plough.
CONsTAaNT chaff is made at Lord Sandon's expense since his famous
introduction of the steam plough into Asia -Minor in his peroration.
But naturally a son of Lord Harrow ''by would stand up, and go in
for agricultural implements on all possible occasions.
90 FUN. [MAnCH 3, 1880.
_LA MORT D'UNE MARIONETTE.
A COUGH comes from the thin, creased throat,
And asking help the dull eyes rove;
He shivers in an old great coat,
,VERYA monkey sickening by the stove.
Throughout his agony he makes
A plaintive face, a languid pose,
And watching ever one eye wakes,
The while both faintly feign to close.
In mimicry of tragic passion
The lips and lids work up and down;
He clasps, in chilly, childish fashion,
The little fingers, frail and brown.
Tears trace long channels down his face,
And mutely baby-ways complain,
And humanise the strange grimace
Of mingled ribaldry and pain.
Old actor at his last exit,
Not for the bounds from tree to tree,
Not for the plains your own suns lit,
Cared you, nor for your liberty !
Your tears are for the plastered scene,
The wire-work home where crowds agape
Gave your grimace back grin for grin;
And here, comedian or ape,
You showed the gross and vile of men-
The broken mirror of their kind-
To raise a vacant laugh, and gain
A rotten nut, an apple rind.
Ma. JAs. WALLACE maintains with regard to ox-
ploughing that being put to the plough strengthens the
ox and enables him to make of himself better beef.
We cannot help fancying (and we very much fancy good
beef) that were the ox consulted he would consider he
VERY PRONOUNCED. had better beeffed.
Swell (to Old Gentleman) :-" CAN YOU TELL ME, SIR, IF THE NEXT STATION
IS ERNILL F IF forty Poles make a furlong, how many Russians
Old Gentleman:-" ERNILL ? I DON'T XNOW SUCH A PLACE. IF YOU MEAN would it take to do it ?
HERNE HILL-YES, IT iS THE NEXT STATION." VARNISH WoxRKs.-Lord Beaconsfield's speeches.
TURF CUTTINGS. Then we'll joyfully sing, the Precentor is leading,-
S[Oun Sporting Correspondent's expressed intention of retiring to Is't true that we find early Burley is done?
some quiet spot for "a holiday "-as he called it, we call it a (The greatest bell-ringer you know Mr. FUN.)
skulk "-having put us on our guard, we set a rigid watch uponhis There's a fortune in Nugget when Bird of Prey's caged,
movements during the week, and succeeded in keeping him under our T yc
eye, until he had settled in the rural retreat from which he dates; The Inny can never be out that I see,
when we waited upon him, and by persuasive argument prevailed upon InAlthough darkly the Sybil, despising the aged,3
him to keep faith with the public, and his engagement with us-viz., In 4, and 6 finds the 1, and 3.
to supply, at least, one tip" per week, such being the condition There, sir, that is the best that I can do under the influence of locked
upon which his salary was increased-a condition which we perceive door and a revolver, and a determination on your part not to leave
he has, hitherto, kept artfully concealed, but we are determined the without "copy," -you may call the two former legitimate arguments,
public shall not be hood-winked when we can prevent it.-En. FUN.] I don't-though had I known the revolver was unloaded I might
TO THE EDITO o "U,,N" have had something to say on the subject. I scarcely hope to be as
TO THE EDITOR OF UN. successful with this tip as I was over the Waterloo Cup (for which I
.-inonday last. plainly gave Honeywood) and the Prince of Wales's Steeplechase at
SiR,-(Since you insist upon my addressing you directly for the Sandown Park (when you willremember I gave Bacchus), but I hope for
future, and not having any more of my nonsense.) You have chosen, s t, an am, Sir, you rs, bct TR opH o r
in a mean-spirited manner, to spy upon my movements, and utterly theA comfortable pubam Kingston-on-Thames.urs, &c. TRPHONIUS.
misinterpret my motives-for a moment's reflection would have Acomfortable pub, Kingston-on-Thames.
convinced you that I only retired to this peaceful spot for the better
performance of my duties, for did not I and the Cambridge University A (N)" ocean" of Spratts !
crew arrive here simultaneously on Saturday, and will not my next THE meat lozenge has long been found in the waistcoat-pockets of
paper treat entirely of the Boat-Race ?-but I forgive you (we do not men who ride all day to hounds; and now every considerate and
cherish resentment against that which we despise), and append a tip knowing rider is wise enough to fill his coat-tail pocket with
for the Croydon Meeting.- Spratt's forage biscuits" for his horse. To prevent misconception,
A TIP FOR THE UNITED KINGDOM STEEPLECHASE. it should be added that these ingenious biscuits suit horses of all
There's a cry from the paddock, the horses shout, "Back us," kinds; and, though nominally "for-age," do equally well "for-
They speak in our tongue, we reply in theirs, "Neigh," youth" also. Horses in the hunting field take to these biscuits as
Let them give us our latch-key, and off let them pack us, kindly as they do to hedges, and experienced riders agree that, after
"The key" finds an opening, I'll venture to say. getting through a few of the former, they are all the more fit to get
But the Messman will ever stand first, in our favour, over any number of the latter. Indeed, they are likely to prove not
Till love of good living and liquor shall fail, "for(an)age" only, but for all time!
And yet, hark! Of success doth old Verity savour,
For magna est Veritas et will prevail. "KELX "-SHows.-Exhibitions at the Alexandra Palace.
MARCH 3, 1880.] FUN 91
QUITe A YOUNG THING OFr AN OPERA.
SCENE :-The Courtyard of a German Inn. A crowd of Supers doing
their best to revel with property-refreshments.
..CuonUs. A lot of villagers are we,
Supposed to dwell in Germanee,
Though-judging from our looks and faces-
You'd think we came from several places.
No matter We must feign good cheer,
And make believe to drink some beer.
LOT. : I'mseeking for my long-lost child,
And that is why I look so wild,
And why I bear a harp all day
On whoso limp strings I cannot play.
Enter GIARuNO, with troop of performing gipsies.
GIARNO. Now, gents, let each chuck in a copper,
And we will show yer something proper.
(Display of very small acrobatic feats.)
The second part will now begin,
In which this gal a 'at will spin.
S'. (MIGON steps forward and tries to spin a hat, but fails.)
I told yer if yer dropped the 'at
You. should be spanked: take that, and that!
(Strikes her with a huge Germanusausage.)
:GUtGLIELn O (alias "WILHELM MEISTER, alias WILLUM) rushes through the
crowd and seizes GIA No's arm.
GUG. Unhand her, fiend of violence !
I'll buy the girl: here's eighteenpence.
(Throws purse at him.)
MIG. Oh, my preserver! What's your name ?
GUG. I'm Guglielmo-which the same
Is long for Willum.
LOT and M
And you'll protect me ?
By and by.
I will, my child, if he won't.
I'm.certain you must be myla-
Hush Not so fast! .
You see, my queen
Just now 's the actress, fair Filine,.
Whose friendship I've this moment made.
Hard by some plays will soon.be played ;
She goes, and I must follow: still,_
You may come too.
IG. We may ? We will [Exeunt omnes.
SCENE 1 :-Spacious .Boudoir, with toilet accessories, in a Baron's Castle,
where theatricals are about to take place. Enter FILINA and GUGLIELMO.
FIL. The band is tuning up, you dunce ;
I must prepare myself at once.
Of course you'll stay to see me dressing,
And rouge my cheeks ?
G ge my che Since you're so pressing,
Sweetheart, I will. Hullo (Rapping at door.) Who's there ?
FIL. It' Mignon, I declare !
GuG. Here, I'm engaged, so go away.
M1G. Bat, if you please, I mean to stay.
GUGo. Then take a chair and go to sleep.
MIG. (sitting down). I mayn't look on. (Closes her eyes.) Well, I
can peep. (Aside.)
GUG. Filine, my love to you outpouring--
FIL. Hist What's'that noise?
GUG. It's Mignon--snoring !
FIL. Her nasal twang's too much. Good-bye-
I can't stand that [Exit hurriedly.
GUG. No more can I! [Follows'herC
MmI. (jumping up). He loves her moro than me! I've caught
The wretch! It therefore seems-I ought
A dress of hers to straightway don,
And streaks of paint my face put on
(The sense whereof is plain to no man),
And Frederick (who is a woman-
One can't tell why) must fight a duel
With Willum, who behaves so cruel.
But what's the reason, goodness knows :
It's bosh: I'll skip it, so-here goes! [Exit.
SCENE 2:-Grounds adjoining ,Baron's Castle. On one side a conservatory,
on the other a lake. .,., c, .'...-,. MisGox discovered.
MIG. Mignon's forlorn!' Behold a lake,
Six inches deep:; .therein Ill take
A header-drown my woesi. (Twangling heard.) But, la !
That feeble lyre -I -t is my-fa---
Enter LoTARlOO; iTitho'ismusical instrument.
LOT. Hush, child, and'I 'will- soundmay harp.
MIG. Then I must go- and 'feed the carp.
Enter GUGrLIELMO, FILINE, and crowd of',fayfDogsfrom conservatory.
LOT. But who come here ?
MIG. That fright Filine,
LOT. (aside). (A touch of jealousy, -I ween.)
MIG. And faithless Willun.; she's his flame.
LOT. (musing). Flame-blaze-ha, ha I see the game.
; [Exit into conservatory.
Gun. (to Gay Dogs). My friend, FilUie, I beg to say,
Out-siddoned Siddons in the play
Mie:. (rushing past them infrantioexczitement): Look That idiot, he,
My fa he strikes the fierce fusee,
He fires the greenhouse on the stage !
GVG. But why?
MeG. Because I'm in a rage !
FIL. You'd better follow and keep hot.
'MIG. I shall (Runs off mto, theblazing conservatory.)
FIL. She's gone-to0flower-pot;
Yet wherefore all this conflagration ?
Lo'. (calmly reappearing round the corner).
S We're working up a situation.
Gv. .Just so. There's Mignon, here am I:
Fire-smoke-a rescue-grand!' -Let's try !
[Exit into flames.
FIL. Could any conduct have been stranger ?
.GUGLIELMO (returning with MIGNON on his back).
..Saved.! Saved! (Confidentially to audience.) .There isn't
.SCENE :-Room in an Italian Castle, filled with smoke-not from the
.chimney, but from the last Act. LOTARIO, GUGLIELNMO, and MIGNONx
GLG. -By patent fire-escape, we three
Have cut the rost for Italy.
MIG. Willum, that was a splendid joke !
GuG. (coughing). Except this legacy of smoke.
M3IG. Oh, cough no more-I'll show you how.
(Pats him on back.)
I may, since you're my lover now,
S And he's my fa--
LoT .(mysteriously). Hush! Draw it mild.
Know'st not I seek my long-lost child
Guo. Come, end that farce, or you may rue it.
LOT. My dears, I've brought you here to do it.
SThough beggar-like you've seen me roam,
:This is, in fact, my princely home ;
These gorgeous clothes my Sunday best,
These lands-- -
GuL-. Oh, never mind the rest.
Come o to he point.
LOT. Well, since you ask it,
Agreed. Here, Mignon, ope this casket.
MIG. 'Tis done: how then ? I only see
A bauble there: what's that to me ?
LOT. Dost not recall thy infant toys?
MIG, (taking out toy and shaking it.) Hullo It makes a rattling noise.
LOT; triumphantlyy). My baby-daughter used to play
Just in exactly the same way.
Conclusive proof With joy I'm wild !
She is-you are-my long-lost child !
MIG. Then, after all, you are my father ?
Lor Who'd have thought it ?
I should, rather !
MARCH 3, 1880.
DO YOU SEE ANY GRIN?
Little Boy (pausing in front of a bust of smiling boy) :-" I SAY, mA." Ma:-" YES, DBEAR, DON'T TOU THINK IT VERT PRETTY?"
Little Boy (thoughtfully) :-" YEs, BUT I SAY, MA, IS IT ALWAYS LAUGHING?"
" ANOTHER MEMORIAL TO GOOD QUEEN ANNE."
QUEEN ANNER, Queen Anne, she sits in the sun, as fair as a lily,
as white as a swan"; but had Messrs. Gordon's "Queen Anne's
Restaurant" been open during that amiable lady's reign, we believe
she would have spent much of her time there, instead of basking
under the luminary of day." Messrs. Gordon are to be congratu-
lated on their new venture. This excellent restaurant was opened on
Wednesday, February 25. It comprises:-A Luncheon Buffet, where
a spivialitJ has been made of light refreshments in the way of sand-
wiches, of which there are about 200 different kinds; but don't eat
one of each-be merry but wise. The proprietors have done well in
introducing a very light draught ale, Queen Anne's Ale," which is
not dead, though the Queen is, and is not kept in the sun, but the
coolest of cellars. We should mention the fact that the most dis-
reputable teetotaler can obtain here non-intoxicants to his heart's
content. The Dining Room, which is handsome and well-ventilated:
-We will steak our word a good chop can be had from the grill. The
Continental Cafe:-Here one can smoke a cigar, sip eafi noir, and
improve each shining hour by talking French and German with the
attendants. Finishing up with the Wine Buffet :-We are supplied
with a glass of wine from the wood, but not, we are happy to state,
from the logwood.
AN Ass.-A fellow who is going to Bray.
A "Big-lowly" Diplomatist.
OUR contemporary that speaks of the new American Minister
proudly sustaining the prestige of his native land" is, we think, a
little out. That Mr. J. R. Lowell will sustain it we have no doubt,
but if any Minister is likely to do so, not proudly, but in a "meek
and Lowelly spirit, surely he is the one !
"Kilty or not Kilty," my Lord!
A CONTEMPORARY gives Ah! kilted Lord!" as an anagram of
"Lord Dalkeith." But at present the noble lord has only been
" Scotched" by Mr. Gladstone, he is not yet kilt" entirely, as-an
Irishman would say.
Now Ready, Two Shillings and Sixpence; by post, Three Shillings,
Companion to THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
By J. F. SULLIVAN.
Now Ready, One Shilling, by post, Is. 2d.,
LIFE IN LODGINGS. BY TOM HOOD.
OVER ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY FRED. BARNARD.
Fun Office, .Fleet-street, S. U.
USE* often pushed by Shopkeepers for the sake
E? O If El QALTTisE. of extra profit. Be sure that you obtain B
S EE T AT TACH
EL ARS TI^A E the Original Article, which may be relied
T TRIANGLTsCKETr. on for excellence of quality, purity, and
HnnT- ntCDRAPER FAR strength.
An oTIAKfE t Makers by special appointment to the Queen.
w. C TW O SNG OTHEK Paris Dept: 90, Faubourg St. Honore. l .
Printed by UDD & O Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hil, Doetore Commonz, and Publihed (for the Proprietors) at 181. Fleet St;eet B.C.-London, March 3,1880.
MARCH 10, 1880.]
Shopmsan:-"OH, YES, SIR, -WE CAN SUPPLY YOU WITH ANYTHING IN THE FOOTBALL LINE; -WE-- "
Customer (secretary of football club) :-" AH, THEN, I'LL TAKE HALF-A-DOZEN PAIR OF CRUTCHES AND A FEW YARDS OF STICKING
PLASTER, AS WE HAVE A MATCH TO-DAY."
SOME HUMBLE SUGGESTIONS.
AFFAIRS are not, it seems to me,
Directed as they ought to be
In view of many who engage
In work for profit or for wage.
It's clear that Nature sat her down
And fashioned Smith, and Jones; and Brown,
Without the lightest thought about
The callings they would single out.
I hardly know a man endued
With any sort of aptitude-
(I mean of physical design)-
For his especial branch or line;
And thus, as half the human race
Are physically out of place,
I'm sure Dame Nature won't pooh-pooh
This well-intended hint or two.
For first example, let us choose
A fashioner of boots and shoes :-
The Dame will grant me how immense
A practical experience
He'd gain, with feet designed as "odds" ;
The right as shapely as a god's;
The left all hillocks, peaks, and horns,
With vast, excruciating corns.
The soldier should be cased within
A tough, impenetrable skin ;
And as for sailors, fins and tail
Might often prove of much avail;
For cockneys prone to brave the sea
The body surely ought to be
Suspended loosely from the hips
To neutralise the roll of ships.
The mortal destined for the part
Of student of the healing art
Should be attacked, without restraint,
By ev'ry possible complaint;
This method would most surely teach
The wisest way to deal with each;
Replete with aches from head to toes,
How grandly could he diagnose .
A surgeon should at ev'ry point
Be always coming out of joint;
Unheard-of things his bones should do
Without the slightest warning, too;
He should be liable to fits
Of coming suddenly to bits
At awkward times-where none could see-
What lovely practice this would be !
The comic artist should possess
A set of features nothing less
Than unmistakably grotesque
In their preposterous burlesque;
His face should, rubber-like, be bent
And stretched at will to vast extent:
No artist dares to draw for FUN
Unless possessing such an one.
I'm sure the f)ama has too mitch sense
In any way to take offence
At these suggestions: I reject
The thought of any disrespect;
The Dame, I own, 'in point of fact,
Displays considerable tact,
Nay, oft succeeds in things that I,
Myself, should hesitate to try !
VOL. xxxI.-NO. 774.
[MA cH 10, 1880.
SOCK AND BUSKIN.
DRAMATIC TYPES.-No. 6. THE JUVENILE.
SOW here we bring,
For you to scan,
That noble thing-
e An honest man.
Let's just impinge
His mental health-
H e will not cringe
To pampered wealth.
(Indeed, in mult-
Iform ways deft,
He will insult
It right and left.)
1With deep distress
The scene he'll view,
SWhen tradesmen press
To have their due.
SThat others still
May own a share,
/ To tear the will
That makes him heir
He holds an act
Although, in fact,
These feeble tricks
/ Should make us smile
'" At "Number 6,
Sa The Juvenile."
We ary nrtomised a four-act drama by Messrs. Joseph Ratton and
Charles Dickens on the subject of Edwin Brood (to be produced,
nr..bi-y, .Sit the Princess's). If, after its withdrawal, the management
ai -a ,t.l. to say, "Edwin drew," I presume they will be satisfied.
On Monday, the 22nd inst., an appeal to the public, in the shape of a
"complimentary benefit" at the Olympic, will be made on behalf of
Mr. Charles Harcourt. Let me express the wish that the public will
Harcourt the appeal.
An original three-act drama by Mr. A. C. Calmour has been accepted
by 3Mr. Wilmot, one of the managers of a house named after royal duke.
The usual mode of producing pieces at the establishment is sufficient
guarantee that the play will be placed upon the stage with Duke care.
MMil. Erkmann-Chatrian's drama is, after all, to be called .Alsatia.
Its four acts are said to be crannmmed with incident and action, but I
don't suppose it 'Al-satiate the audience. NESTonR.
IT appears that the secretaries of the native African chief, Chichachi,
carry on their heads a roll of black wax, as a mark of distinction (or
disthektion) which one would have expected to see granted to the Great
and Privy Seals alone. Such, however, is not the case, this honourm
being only permitted to those who have distinguished themselves
against the enemy. In other words, it proves that these secretaries
have discovered how to "screw their courage to the sticking place by
waxing mighty in battle.
An Irish Miracle.
T NGes always seem to go by contraries in the land of the Green.
The Dai y News Special Correspondent lately described the scene in
the chapel at Knock, where there was a large collection of crutches
and walking-sticks, alleged to have been left behind by people who
stated that they had been miraculously cured of various kinds of
lameness. There would be nothing particularly strange in getting
fifty mknocks from a stick; but it appears ahogether supernatural to be
able to get fifty sticks from a Knock.
Marred in the telling.
WE hear or read from time to time discussions respecting the
Earldom of Mar; but the matter is ridiculous, upon the face of it.
Nobody with any acquaintance with the laws which regulate titles
could refer to their Aar as an Earl; at best, she could only be a
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL RETtTRfS TO EARTH.
KNowING how'anxious my last comitunication, per lobster-tin
express,* must h've made my friends and creditors; I'hasten, without
any attempt at' keeping them in London Journal-like suspense, to
announce the fact of my safe return to terra firm, not at the top of
the pole, as I had hoped, it is true (you may see me there yet at the
General Election), but'wid the Duke of York's Column, the cage of
which we 1.r.:.id.nti.dly gi.ppldi on theevening of Tuesday last,
after the forked top of his Grace's lightning-conductor had all but
prodded my balloon into a state of collapse.
The public, who heard of me last as hovering far above the
clouds, somewhere N.E. by E. of Stoke Pogis Churchyard, will like to
hear, however, a few details of the descent, which was brought about,
I have reason to think, in a quite unprecedented manner.
For some days, as you know, my comrade and I had continued to
mount higher and higher; the air meanwhile becoming rarer and
rarer, till it was scarcely to be found at all. We had, alas got rid
of too much ballast, and the valve on which our descent depended in
such an emergency refused to work at all. To make matters worse,
my comrade, after being so heavy-hearted for some hours as to per-
ceptibly check the progress of the balloon, suddenly became light-
headed instead, the result being an immediate rise in our altitude.
Then I felt our case was indeed desperate, though I resolved to make
one more extra-special effort for life. I had long before pulled down
my cuffs, such as they were-(they were cuffee coloured rather
than white, I am sorry to say)-placed my hat at a rakish angle,
twisted my moustache, and in short, made myself as "heavy a swell
as possible, but it had been all in vain. I had also tried to get my
delirious friend to discuss various points, in order that I might crush
him and, perhaps, bring down the balloon with my weighty" argu-
ments, with a similar effect.
Then as the blood began to rush to my head I felt, sir, it was indeed
all up with us-literally all up, in fact, and all very high up with us
too, as, true to the last to the interests of your journal, I took the
trouble to remark on a slip of paper and enclose in a gingerbeer bottle
directed to you, with my last will and testament in it, and all the
"I. O.U's" I had about me besides.
Well, sir, I was about to commit this bottle to the atmospheric deep,
when, all in a moment, a thought struck me, which, without any loss
of time, I proceeded to act upon.
Seizing a packet of ruled paper and pen and ink, I began, sir, to
write a five-act tragedy in blank verse.
And why a five-act tragedy, you may ask, and why blank verse ?
Why, sir ? Why, because I thought that there could be nothing on
earth, or above the earth either, so terribly heavy as blank verse tragedy,
written by the extra-special of a comic journal. I had read a few
heavy dramas in my time-principally by amateur friends-but by
laying the scene of mine in the wilds of Western Caledonia in the year
152 n.C. and giving the hero a speech of 425 lines in the first act t
and piling up the agony generally, I did my best to make my effort
It was an anxious moment, I can assure you, as I wrote on sheet
after sheet of Act I, and flung it on the bottom of the car. To lose
no possible chance, I made scene 1 a "rocky pass," in which a party
of prehistoric Christmas waits weights" I made them in my
desperation-was discovered as the curtain rose; whereupon each
one-and there were thirteen in the band-called Ben Nevis to witness
the weighty resolution I caused each to proceed to publicly make.
I quite rose to my heavy task as I went; and as the pile of written
sheets increased upon the floor of the car I began to think that
weight must surely tell. One fact I may say I soon established, and
that was that the balloon had mounted no higher since I had begun
my tragedy, and this encouraged me to put still weightier thoughts
and heavier resolutions into my characters' parts.
I had nearly reached the end of the hero's speech before the dis-
mantled illicit still of his grandfather, when I first became aware that
my heavy style was really telling, and that slowly, but surely, my
leaden slips of MSS. were gradually sinking the balloon to earth.
On satisfying myself of this, I cast my friend at once for the
"heavy lead" ; and, chuclding to myself as I remembered that all
things come to the man who weights," I continued to add to the
pile of slips.
To make a long story short, each scene, heavier and more "leaden"
if possible than the preceding, increased the rate of our descent, and
ere I had finished Act III. we had sunk low enough to grapple the
bars of the Duke's cage, as I have said.
Fastening the balloon to his conductor, we descended the stairs in
time to whistle back the keeper, who was just off for the night, and
Oh, how I wish I had used an Australian mutton-tin instead of the lobster-
tin to enclose my aerial letter in! Of course you see why, sir. I could then
have alluded to the descent of my missile through space as the fall of an Austra-
lian meat-eor," don't you see 1-Y. E.-S. R.
+ I am not sure whether he was a Pict or a Scot, but I think the latter, since he
certainly never Piet" his words.-Y.E.-S.R.
within an hour, as you know, sir, I was telling you of my lucky
P.S.-In order to discount inquiries, I may add that the tragedy
that saved our lives will not be offered to any manager. The waits
between the acts of a piece often prove disadvantageous to it if very
protracted; but in the case of my tragedy, the weights in the acts
are so very heavy, and the whole thing so purposely leaden, that it
would be ridiculous to expect it to even limp, much less to run.
"The Government, in an unusual fit of economy, has ordered the use of ropes
made of Russian tarred hemp in the fleet, instead of the much superior MamilUa
ECONOMY'S a canny thing,
In two ways-often seen to bring
Odd friends and foes together;
It gives the trembling miser pluck ;
It makes the gourmet face pot luck ;
It sometimes makes a British buck
Save pounds in Russian leather.
But Russian hemp 0 English tar,
The Tory cat has left a scar
Upon you, jovial martyr.
You'll feel more that these Tory times'
Last turn-out in the way of crimes,
Gives you, to save a few score dimes,
The tarred hemp of the Tar-tar.
A queer rig-out our ships will have;
They might be slavers if the Sclav
Is to provide the rigging;
And need our tongues so bravely wag,
When, spite of all the blague and brag,
The very cord that flies our flag
Once knouted serfs for prigging !
No, let us meekly take our fate,
Say farewell to the golden, great
Old days we love to hallow.
All things are changed from helm to prow;
They call the capstans caftans now ;
Sou'westers are sou'easters ; how
Could poor Jack thrive on tallow ?
But, there, of course the Cabinet,
Its heart on higher things has set,
And lets its tars' bad temper roar,
Because each mess now vodka topes,
And scrubs the decks with Russian soaps,
And curses Russian hempen ropes
The thing it hang's the Hemperor !
THE brigand who has captured Colonel Synge demands 15,000, and
fifteen gold watches with chains, otherwise he will send first an ear,
then the nose, and finally the head of the colonel. The case may now
be said to have assumed anything but pleasing features.
Another butcher, at Preston, has been summoned for exposing
diseased mutton. This time the delinquent had the audacity to say
the condemned meat was "lamb." Really the increase of this species
of villainy is lamentable.
Royal assent has been given to the Irish Seeds Bill. The next
thing now will be to sow the seeds-of Dissolution.
In future, .whenever the Lord Mayor goes out, the Civic authorities
have decided .he shall be attended by an escort of police. We are
authorized to.state this has nothing to do with the recent attempt to
assassinate theQzar. It is an honour conferred on the Lord Mayor on
account of his perlieeing manners.
The Government have undertaken to erect some piers on the coast
of Ireland. Surely the Home Rulers will not clamour any more for
a House of Parliament now that we are giving them more Irish piers.
It is stated that the Great Eastern Railway Company saved 40,000
in one year by the substitution of coal for coke, consequently if the
other Companies do not follow this economic example the shareholders
will be justified in calling it a burning shame.
IT is well known in photographic circles that the dark portions of a
photographic "negative" appear white in the "positive," and vice
versd. Thus, a negative of Noah would appropriately produce an
A "GREEN "-EY.
English Lady:-" Don't you eat watercresses ? "
Scotch Lady :-" I no be a coo !-an' I dinna eat greens wi'out
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
SmI,-I never fail to keep a promise-at least, not without a clear and
lucid explanation of reasons. Explanation is a beautiful and fascinating
art, and I grow more and more expert in it every day of my life; not
that I desire to boast-for what heights may not be attained by con-
stant practice, particularly by a descendant of a long line of inventors
such as myself. I'm going to fail to keep a promise this week and
I've got an explanation all ready. I promised to treat of the Univer-
sity crews and I'm not going to-there. This is the explanation :-I've
only seen the Cambridge, for the comfortable pub at Kingston"
where I'm staying is so very comfortable that I haven't the heart to
leave it, as-it must be patent to the most superficial observer-I should
have to do if I wanted to see the Oxford crew at Taplow. Besides,
there is something depressingly suggestive of insufficiency of refresh-
ment in the very name of Taplow. For these weighty reasons I have
concluded to postpone my remarks on the subject for one week until
I have seen both crews at Putney. Till then accept the following
TIP FOR THE BRISTOL ROYAL STEEPLECHASE.
Is Chimney Sweep a dark outsider ?
Is this a sweep at which he'll stick?
Sweet Meadow tempts the lucky rider,
But Sleight of Hand should "do the trick."
The Liberator's proud position
Shall quickly draw our cash to it,
And give our heart's desire, Ignition,
Though on Rock-savage we might split.
Last week's tip was "all there" you see; for the future I shall
tabulate my successes in this form:-
MY WEEKLY SUCCESSES-LAST WEEK'S.
Event. Selection. Winner.
UNITED KINGDOM STEEPLECHASE, CROYDON MILITANT. MILITANT.
Explanation :-Given in these words: Darkly the sybil, despising
the aged in 4, 5, and 6, finds the 1, 2, and 3." Militant and jis
placed companions were 6, 5, and 6 years old respectively. Note also
remarks on Latchkey and Burley.-Yours, &c.,
A comfortable pub, Kingston-on-Thames.
MAca c 10, 1880.]
MORE PROOFS OF THE ANTIQUITY OF SOME OF OUR INSTITUTIONS.
Antediluvian, being too free with their maces-oDrigin of FREE 3AlACE-'UNS.
Primeval masons about to strike-origin of the masonic SQUARE."
Another primeval mason finding his LEVEL.
Assyrian King ordering a large supply of beef from his butcher on the occasion Time of Aztec civilization; fashion of wearing odd foot coverings, in vogue at
of a grand sacrifice-ANCIENT ORDER OF BUFFALOES. that period-origin of ASSOCIATION OF ODD FELLOWS.
[MA R 10, 1880.
FU1I 'N.-MAcoH 10, 1880.
- ~ -~c~-
THE ART OF POLITENESS.
Sir Garnet Wolseley:-" PARDON ME, MY DEAR DOCTOR, IF I SAY THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HOAXED BY GROSS
EXAGGERATIONS AND TRANSPARENT UNTRUTHS."
.Dr. Russell:-" FORGIVE ME, MY DAZZLING YOUNG GENERAL, FOR MENTIONING THAT YOU ARE A PIG-HEADED
IGNORAMUS, AND DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT."
MAnte 10, 1880.]
Doctor (examining) :-" The action of the heart is not good; it
beats twice as fast as it should."
Son of Erin : -" Begorrah An' it isn't the beating of my
heart you're counting-it's the ticking of my watch "
THE CANDIDATE'S CATECHISM.
THE near approach of the General Election renders it advisable for
future candidates to hold themselves ready for any emergency.
Those, therefore, who purpose canvassing a constituency would do
well to be prepared with answers to the following list of questions:-
What is your name ?
Where do you come from ?
What do you call yourself ?
What do other people call you ?
Have you ever changed your politics, and, if so, where are they ?
Can you define "Imperial interests ?
Will you disestablish the Church at once, if elected ?
Are you a Dissenter, and, if so, where would you like to be buried ?
Did you ever see a contented Irishman, and what is your explanation
of Home-Rule ?
What will you take to drink ?
Do you suffer from corns, and will you buy all your medicines from
the retail chemist ?
Will you become a subscriber, and will you induce all your friends
to subscribe, to our Local Institutions?
Have you a skeleton in your cupboard ?
What is going to happen next ?
Do you approve of the Income-Tax, and have you ever sent
Conscience-money to the Chancellor of the Exchequer ?
Are you under the influence of your female relations, and will you
further the extension of Women's Rights ?
Can you say when the National Debt will be paid off ?
Are you ready to take the pledge ?
State your opinions as to the rise, progress .and future of Parliament -
If returned by one Party, will you ever side with the other ?
Will you obey the dictations of a Caucus ?
Have you any fads concerning Foreign Policy or Domestic Legis-
Have you any reason to suppose yourself a better man than your
^ Would you refuse the office of Prime Minister ?
How much will you give for a vote ?
The Rose by any other name-."
IT seems that Baron Liebig has discovered that flour and other
cereal products can be malted and yet retain the form and consistency
of solid food. Although it may be indisputable that this invention
is of immense value we fear that the very name of Malted food for
infants" will go against the grain with many. If only for the
teetotalers we think the title ought to undergo some Malteration.
THE OrFICER THAT COMMANDS THE LARGEST ATTENTION.-General
THE IMPROVEMENT IN TRADE.
BY A FIXED INCOME."
There is no doubt that considerable reaction, and in a marked degree, is taking
place in the trade of the United Kingdom. Prices are higher'now than they have
been for a very long time past, and there is every prospect of still further im-
So trade is improving, they say,
Activity's surely returning,
And prices are higher to-day
Than trade has for ages been earning.
And things are indicative, too,
Of prices becoming still better,
A'fact I believe to be true,
A statement correct to the letter.
Though "rising quotations" may act
Consistent with Out-putter's humour-
Though Labour may welcome, the fact,
One doesn't-and that's the consumer;
And much more especially when
He's one, which is really distressing,
Of those very sensitive men
A rigid fixed income possessing.
When every sovereign's worth
-Some twenty-three shillings or over,
The income derived from a berth
Permits an existence in clover.
But when that same sovereign's rate
To seventeen shillings goes fleeting,
The ends of fixed incomes dictate
The closest arrangements for meeting.
For silks the quotations ruled high "-
The train of my wife must diminish.
"Best cottons were buoyant to buy "-
My shirts have begun to wear thinnish.
"Some orders designed to augment
The strength of the Austrian navy
Sent iron up thirty per cent."-
We want a new bed for the slavey.
"Sale produce was brisk in the Lane,'
With feeling to rise on enquiry "-
Our tea will be dusted again,
Our brandy a little more fiery.
"A steady improvement in wheat
Of three to four shillings a quarter "-
Which means in each cottage we eat
The weight will get shorter and shorter.
Most leathers were firm for demand "-
The children want boots very badly.
High prices for woollens to hand "-
I want a new overcoat sadly.
Coals rose half-a-crown at a bound"-
Our cellar has never been clearer.
"The Baltic' advices were sound "-
So firewood will even be dearer.
Oh, beautiful prospect, indeed,
This general rising in prices!
Oh, happiness! daily to read
Of steady improving advices."
Oh,'joy unalloyed and unmixed!
Trade's showing a "higher-price" movement-
But people whose incomes are fixed
Are better without the improvement.
A Square Meal.
LORD DERBY states that every time a man drinks three pennyworth
of beer or spirits he swallows a square yard of good agricultural land.
We don't want to be rood but we can hardly swallow that, we mean
the land. The statement, however, explains that well-known expres-
sion, how on earth did so and so get drunk ? "
Bagging" the Question.
SAcxs are now worn by fashionable beauties. Seeing, too,
that all Englishmen wear "bags," the name of England might be
appropriately replaced by Anglo-Sacks-ony.
WHEN IS A COUNTRY-HOUSE LIKE A SCOLDED CHILD?-When it is
100 FU N. [MARCH 10, 1880.
,I I I A LOVE STORY.
:' a nIpli` THS is but a story of love,
.--~- 'W hich comes into every heart,
11 LL ,A Carrion Crow or a Dove-
With a soothing song or a smart;
With a light that is warm and fair,
d And which longer than life will last;
BroI_ I Or that vanishes, leaving there
-.A gloom over future and past !
SLorenzo-that wasn't his name-
And Jessica-that wasn't hers-
Were lovers, and burned with the flame
Love's heart of all others prefers.
ST t ng s They loved in a manner they thought
That no people had loved before
rWhich is always as lovers ought
b y To believe-till their dream is o'er !
But they both of them older grew,
And they took a practical tone,
For each of them certainly knew
They could not live on love alone !
So they both agreed to be free-
As all sensible people should-
And could meet at five o'clock tea.
As common acquaintances would.
And before the season was past,
They each engaged to be wed
To a fortune extremely vast !
(They had none, as I should have said).
And thereafter they lived their lives
Like the happy couples in books!
For money with husbands and wives,
Is better than love or looks !
AN evening paper stated the other day that "'An
opera entitled Cola di eienzi,' by Signor Ritci,
toe son and nephew of the composer of that name, has
AT LAST. been well received at Venice." He must indeed be a
wonderful man! Does he call his father uncle ? or
Brown (brilliant conversationalist, in his own esti)nation):-" THE IDEA OP does he call his uncle father ? or was his mother really
THAT Snith, SETTING IoP FOR A DiNNER-TABLE WIT! IT'S SICKENING LET his aunt? or-we give it up !
THE COBBLER STICK TO HIS LAST, I SAY."
Jones :-" WELL, OLD BOY, YOU PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH, ANYxHOW !
Brown :-I" How a' ou r thPe ?" INw Central Asia, two chiefs, favourable to Rh ssin, have
Jones :-c"Wsv, yeoun e STvu To orn last SO LONG THAT I DOx'T been executed by Noor Birdi Khan. o What relation
REMEMBER WHEN I HEARD IT MInST!" is this chief to Singh Berdi Singh?
from me, and the cigars, &c., furnished by themselves, with me.
MILITARY ANSWERS. Throwing stones at officers' windows again, if it were proved, would
THE low civilians who have dared hint nasty things about our indicate that I always encourage my troops to take healthy exercise,
heroic troops in Afghanistan and South Africa are being answered and to aim well. As for drinking, I'm teetotal for all the army;. and
beautifully, with all a hero's curt-if not courteous-eloquence. The breaking into mere Boers' houses is a fine ebullition of manly spirits
pernicious penmen are nowhere. The swordsmen have again proved that only low Liberals would think of objecting to. You see the short
that Cesar is not the only illustrious warrior in history that could work I'll make of your Russells when I'm Governor-General1 of
wield cold steel as well when it was in the form of nibs or blades. So England.
long as we possess a Bobsey and a Wolseley we can't be said to be badly CABUL, February.-I can't at all understand how the mildest-
off-indeed, with a bob and a garnet, could anybody be deeoomed poor? I mannered and principled man in the British Army (which is simply a
The Commentaries of the future are already secured, and we may have girls'boarding-school for meekness)can have so many enees-out
de bell Afghano a nd Zalao when we like. Perhaps, if a distinction of Cabul. Why, I actually had those six or seven hundred sirdars (I
can be drawn between two such masters of the style military, it might forget the precise number, but I know it was under a thousand)
be said that Wolseley is the more direct and positive writer of the two, hanged with a silken rope; and the rebels-against I forget whom-
Roberts the more elaborate and ornate. Wolseley contents his martial were all thumbscrewed with silver thumbscrews. 3My proclamations5
heart with telling any civilian who happens to have seen the heroes bless you, were all flummery. I only executed the men who fired on
under disagreeable circumstances: Youlie." Roberts elegantly sidles us; and as for the correspondents, I don't think I've had the Times
round the question, saying, My rule has always been singularly flogged more than twice, and I know that Fan has never been
lenient and merciful, and the man who says it hasn't is probably paid in the stocks more than a week at a time. In fact, my mercy would
by Mahommed Jan, and certainly by Russia." We subjoin the very be sneered at even by Bismarck and Tippoo Sahib.
last answers received :-
CAPE, February.-Just leaving to take the command of nine other
little wars which I'm going to conduct (the men whose gooses are Be PROFESSOR WVILSON.
Cooked won't be personally conducted this time) from the Horse (Charade: Pen-n'orth.)
Guards, because it's conveniently near to Stanford's, where a HE dubbed himself my second when he took
strategist can always find out whether the Koosh is in New Zealand My first, and with his "Noctes" charmed the many,
or Japan. The accusations brought against my troops may possibly And all who bought and read his manly book
be well meant, but if we had left Cetewayo any cowries I think I Confessed they'd got my total for their penny.
should know what way they were going. If my Evangelical cigars
and Good Templar champagne has been looted, what's that to any-
body ? I didn't suffer, for my staff took care to keep the fact NOVEL USEs von LIN-Ex.-Sheet anchors and ragbolts.
MARCH 10, 1880.]
JUDICIAL SEPARATIONS WANTED.
THE Judge was in a most bland and complacent state of mind ; for
he had had an evening's leisure, and had devoted it wholly to a con-
templation of the general condition of the criminal laws, the outcome
of his contemplation being a verdict most favourable to the laws.
He was indeed happy. to think that he not only lived in a land subject
to such excellent regulations, but also had the delight of being a means
of dispensing these. And then he had a glass and went to bed.
He turned over restlessly seven times-(a sure sign of something
foreboding)-then sank into a troubled slumber, in which he seemed
to have dropped into a land which, although new to him, yet seemed
to suggest impressions of some vague familiarity at every turn. In
this land vegetation, soil, everything, was more or less musty, effete
and out of date in some.queer way; the vegetation particularly was
rank, and tangled in so complicated a manner as to bewilder the eye
which attempted to follow its branchings. The greater part of the
vegetation wds decayed, dead, and good for nothing ; yet in no case
had any clearance been made-on the contrary, dead and useless
trunks' and stems of trees had had living plants of a wholly opposite,
nature grafted on to them, and in many cases these plants had withered
too, and had still other plants grafted on to them, the process being
often continued in this way ad infinitum; consequently, when any
inquiring botanist (who could bear the horrible odour of mustiness
pervadinig.the whole) attempted to ascertain the nature of one of the
latest grafted branches, he was forced, by reason of the nature of the
several' plants being so intermixed by the grafting process, to extend
his researches through plant after plant until he came (which was
almostian, impossibility) to the original trunk; and, in ninety-nine
cases:out of a hundred, this was so decayed that he could make nothing
of itrat all, and went away as wise as before.
Presently an inoffensive-looking and inobstrusive little man came
along'; and directly he caught sight of the Judge his poor harmless
little eye lighted up with a look of delight, and he hurried forward
and held' out his hand joyfully.
"I'm so glad You'vE come he said; "you will be able to help us
so--that is if you care to, and are as wise as you look."
"I am as wise as can be," replied the Judge. "But what can I do
to help you ?"
Oh, you might state our case to the authorities."
"Who are you-where do you live ?" asked the Judge. At this
question a slight shudder seemed to pass over the harmless little man's
Are you married?" inquired the Judge.
The little man shuddered horribly, and, without a word, took the
Judge by the arm and led him, trembling violently all the while, into
the presence of the most terrible female the Judge had ever seen ; she
was sinewy, and tall, and savage, and cruel and wicked to the last
degree ; and she proceeded at once to catch up her poor little husband
by the hair and swing him round and round just for play. That's
my wife, if you please," whispered the little man from under a table,-
where he had darted on the instant of his release.
"It seems to me," said the Judge to the virago-(somewhat timidly
though)-" that you two are very ill-assorted." "Well," roared the
virago, "you can help us out of it if you like."
Just then the Judge caught sight of another couple; in this case the
husband was a most fearful-looking ruffian with the most hang-dog
look on the whole earth, while his wife was a very insignificant party.
It appeared that the husband was under disgrace, for the lady was
feebly administering to him cuts with a duck's feather which she had
picked up ; the husband all the while laughing boisterously at the joke
and enjoying himself immensely.
Why you appear to be very ill-matched, too said the Judge to
the newly arrived-pair.
"Well," they said together, you can assist to mend that."
The Judge wandered away, and came across many more couples ;
and the curious part of it was that every couple, without exception,
seemed to be more or less ill-matched-here the wife was very tall and
the husband very short; there the husband was preposterously fat
and the wife unreasonably lean, and so on; and it would have been
quite a relief to gaze upon the few unmarried persons whom the Judge
came upon presently, had these not seemed to be even more out of their
element than the married ones.
"If you single people are so confoundedly uncomfortable and dis-
contented, why on eaith don't you get married? asked the Judge.
Can't," they all replied; "we're supposed to be properly pro-
vided for as we are-but you will lend us your assistance no
The Judge was wondering what all this could mean, when the little
man he had seen first ran into his arms: She won't find meif I get
behind you," he stammered, and so saying he crept round the Judge.
and put his trembling little arm through his.
Now, look here, you know," said the Judge; WHAT does all
this mean P Who are you ? Who are all these other folks ? "
We are criminal offences," replied the little man meekly. The
\Jf--~ _____- S- -S----T
Judge drew away his arm, and glared. How dare you speak to me-
a JUDGE ?! he asked, severely.
I am only a very little offence," said the poor little man ; "all
the men among us are offences, and all the women are the punishments
meted out to us. I am the offence named Stealing a Penny Loaf to
avert Starvation,' and my wife's name is 'Penal Servitude'-that's
her Christian name, you know. The big savage-looking man is
Cruelty to Animals,' and his wife's name is Half-a-Crown Fine."
That other villainous-looking ,fellow is Fraudulent Bank -Direction,'
and his wife is called Eight Months,'-she's a poor feeble little thing,
and won't last long. The unmarried persons are offences which have
had no punishments allotted to them, and punishments inflicted for no
offence-these persons are not numerous- "
"W however is this coming along ?" broke in the Judge, as there
came in sight a ruffian, in comparison with whom "Cruelty to
Animals appeared a saint. This creature's hair was matted with
gore; his eyes were bloodshot and his teeth like those of a wolf;. and
murderous weapons peeped from all parts of his clothing ; and he was
accompanied by a wife who caressed him affectionately, and
constantly watched him lest even a fly should sting him.
Oh, he has several names-Nihilism, Wholesale Murder, Purpose-
less Butchery, and others; he is a foreigner who, when he escapes to
England, is politely called Political Offence,' and shielded from
justice, as you see by the partner given to him."
This is a very ill-regulated state of affairs altogether," said the
Then perhaps you will put in a word for us-if you are as wise as
you look," said the little man.
And the Judge woke.
FROM COLDBATH FIELDS.
THE proverb says that "Time tries all,"
Quoth Filcher, as he dropped a tear
Upon his oakum, That I call
A lie. 'Twas Hawkins sent me here."
In re a "de."
BY a curious misprinting of a letter a weekly paper has been made
to say that during the illness of Lord Salisbury, Lord Beaconsfield
has taken charge of the Foreign Office, and deceived the Ambassadors
himself. What it. intended to say was that the Premier had re-
ceived them. It is not for us to say that the misprint was a d "-
liberate one, but it at any rate should teach sub-editors and readers to
be very careful as to their initials whilst they r about it.
THE frequent accidents in which hansoms play a prominent part
have induced etymologists to consider whether the epithet of security
commonly applied to them amounts to a treacherous misnomer, or
whether, as is more probable, it is simply the contraction of a term,
which may be more readily conceded, viz., save-feety, safety.
The Imprisonment of Peers.
IT is the fate of some amongst our nobility, and those by no means
the least highly favoured of their sovereign, to undergo at one
period restraint on their personal freedom. They are actually bound
by one leg and turned into K.G.'s." (Cages).
THE FINNISH RACE.-Fish.
CAESAR'SS WIFE MUST BE," &c.
Doctor (speaking deliberately):-" AND PERHAPS, -UPON AN EMERGENCY, YOU MIGHT HAVE THE LEAST SUSPICION- ."
Lady Patient (speaking hurriedly):-" NONE OF THAT, DOCTOR! MEDICINES, IF I MUST, BUT NOT ONE GRAIN OF YOUR suspicionS-
EVEN ON AN EMERGENCY."
ONE FOR OUR CADS. A Questionable Character.
AT the last shareholders' meeting of the London General Omnibus Is a" character" from her last place of any use to a servant;
Company, the subject of the conductors being under-paid cropped up, because if it was really her last place, she could never get another ;
and, although a dividend of twelve and a half per cent. was pro- and the certificate would be against her ever obtaining one !
claimed, the shareholders "did not feel themselves called upon to move in -
the matter." Of course we cannot enter into the shareholders' feelings The Flour of the Flock.
(if they have any, which we question), but whether or no drivers and LADIES now wear black kid gloves with flowers embroidered on
conductors be under-paid, there is no doubt they are disgracefully them; and the fashion is likely to be religiously followed. For the
over-worked. It is simply abominable that they should be made to fair wearers will think that "flow'ry" fingers arc a mark of pie-us
stand the exposure of all weathers for, in most cases, fifteen or sixteen inclinations.
hours a day. We have an Act to regulate factories and the labour
employed therein, then why not one forbidding vehicle proprietors to A handy PRESENT.-A pair of gloves.
overwork their servants? Instead of omnibus-driving, it more
resembles nigger-driving, and slavery is supposed to be abolished in TICE -On Tuesday next,
England. NOTICE !-On Tuesday next,
THE BOAT-RACE DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN.
The Houghton Meeting. PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.
LORD HOUGHTON cannot seemingly get over the notion that he
is a racing fixture, or this, we presume, is his reason for always trying o Ready, Two Shillings and Sizpze; by post, Three Shillings,
to make such 'racy speeches.Now Ready Two Shillings and S b p Thre i
Companion to "THE BRITISH WORKING MAN,"
WHEN a lady loses her hand-bag why does she think all the people THE BRITISH TRADESMAN, and Other Sketches.
are laughing at her ?-Because she feels so reticule-less. By J. F. SULLIVAN.
BMEBLACK CAUTION! is
L E A D Imitations of Cadbury's Cocoa Essence are
SE often pushed by Shopkeepers for the sake
BRILLIANT!! CLEAN!! NO DUST!! of extra profit. Be sure that you obtain
For Excellence of For Cleanliness the Original Article, which may be relied
Quality. COLD MEDAL in use on for excellence of quality, purity, and
Sold by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere. strength.
SJAMES & SOS, SOLE MAKERS, LYMOUT. Makers by special appointment to the Queen. Nthertchcrtch purt, the po being roundedby a now
JAMES& SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH. Paris Depot: 90, Faubourg St. Honore. Sampled.opstre7stamps._ork
Printed by JTUDD & CO., Phsenix WorkS, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commone, and Published (for the Proprieiors) at 153, Fleet Street B.C.-London. March 10, 100.
USE BEFORE FASHION.
Visitor (,o daughter of the house) :-" WELL, 1MisS POLLY, THEY'RE ALL BETTING AWAY! LET YOU AND ME BET A I'AIR OF GLOVES
SIX BUTTONS AND ALL, YOU KNOW!
Miss RPolly:-" OH, NO, NOT SIX BUTTONS !-BUTTONS IS SO TROUBLESOME One BUTTON AND fingers !-NOT LIKE dese !"
A STUDY IN BLUE.
I'VE walked up from Putney with omne or two others,
Seinome bent upon pleasure, some bent upon trade;
Roughs, babies brought out by indifferent mothers,
Men, women, and children of every grade.
The tide's inconvenient way of behaving
Compelled us to turn out of bed with the lark-,
Affording no time for matutinal shaving,
We've had to get up and to dress in the dark.
I've walked up from Putney, and pondered while tramping,
Anent this perennial arrangement in blue,"
How use and satiety never seem damping
The interest taken each Easter anew.
So, jogging along in my thoughtful condition,
I came to the riverside end of Barnes Lane,
And looking about for a favoured position,
I notice a carriage-and notice again !
It is There reposes my sunny-haired beauty-
My beautiful Derby Day dream of last year;
To write her a love lay I reckoned my duty-
I shift my position, and draw a bit near.
Yes There is her father, who stopped her at betting,
A grizzled old gentleman given to frowns ;
She never remembered, so isn't forgetting,
The fellow who stood by her drag on the Downs.
To think we should meet after such a long parting,-
This globe we inhabit's a very small place ;
And though it is time for the crews to be starting,
I haven't that interest now in the race.
Our world is a circle. Consistently ever
The lines of our lives in a circle are lain ;
We part, but the further and further we sever
The nearer we come to our meeting again !
Thank goodness my love is past any revival-
But listen !- a roar from the crowd on the ridge,
Proclaiming the fact that each strenuous rival
Is seen to be coming through Hammersnmith Bridge.
She springs to her feet on the seat of the carriage-
And which does she favour of each of the crews ?
Perhaps he to whom she is promised in marriage
Forms one of the keenly competitive Blues.
I'll watch her. They're coming the people are dinning;
Her cheek with excitement so prettily glows;
For those who are lucky enough to be winning
The state of affairs will be couleur de rose.
And see with her dainty lace-handkerchief waving,
She seems to be beckoning both the boats on-
A highly impartial, right way of behaving;-
A flash of blue oars, and the rivals are gone !
But which does she favour ? But which is she hoping
Will be thefirst boat Mir. Fairlie will see ?
If one, she will surely go home again moping;
But if it's the other, as proud as can be.
Inscrutable being The cannon The crisis
Is over, and back in the carriage she lies;
And though round her throat twines the blue of the Isis,
The hue of the Cam glistens bright in her eyes.
A whish and her coachman gives rein to his horses.
A whirring of wheels! I'm alone in the throng.
The question regarding her favour still forces
Itself on my mind-exercising me strong.
Which now would be winner if she were the chooser ?
Which Blue in her peepers most favour would find P
Hum Well, she's a woman-she'd favour the loser-
And making him winner-why, alter her mind !
VOL. xxxi.-NO. 775.
[MAeCH 17, 1880.
Aquatina :-" ARE THESE THE SORT OF FELLOWS YOU CRUISE ABOUT WITH'?"
Aqtatinto :-" WELL, YES! YOU SEE, THESE ARE THE FELLOWS WHO SCREW UP THE BOATS'CREWS."
THE UNIVERSITY BOAT RACE.
To THE EDITOR or "FuN."
SiR,-Since first "the crews commenced their daily practice on the
tide-way I have had my abode on the tow-path. There at any hour I was
to be found at my post-a post surrounded at high tide by water, and
at low tide by mud and slime, but to which, nevertheless, I manfully
clung. To give the necessary colour to my observations, I have adopted
the following costume:-A waistcoat andnether garments of the Cam-
bridge tint; a coat '' darkly, beautifully blue ''(representing Oxford,
and, with the rest of my costume, my unbiassed character), with
buttons roundly, radiantly brass (for this, after business hours, I sub-
stitutcd a comfortable blouse) ; strong blue-cher boots and a stove-
pipe hat, also of the Cambridge tint. I have held several consulta-
tions with M1iss Becker and other blues (are these the old Blues"
one hears so much about ?). I have entertained twenty-four blue-
coat boys to tea and buns (presenting them each with a peppermint
drop and a threepenny piece at their departure). I have, regularly
ea ery evening, made my way to the Blue Posts," remaining till all
ws blue, and consequently suffering from blue devils next morning. I
have also endeavoured to make the acquaintance of an Admiral of the Blue
and a Colonel of the Horse Guards Blue, but in these cases my success
has not been equal to my enterprise. First of all, though, let me give
rjp FOR THE LINCOLNSHInE HANDICAP.
WHAT racer with a Rosy Cross
Could e'er compete successfully?
A Flashman's friends should suffer loss,
.nd Sunburn "brown" distressfully.
W.iat gold a Cradle oft enfolds
We know-the tale's a fairy 'un-
Midlothian election holds,
But who turns Vegetarian?
Ah, see the Ragman picking up,
He'll quickly pass the middle string,
While Chocolate might win a cup,
And play upon a Fiddlestring.
To get on the Horizon I'm
Inclined, upon my soul I am,
And Lartington disturbs my mind ;
But there-I'm on Parole, I am.
To resume. I have come to the conclusion that there is a
good deal of rowing power in each of the boats ; but perhaps, having
regard to their No. 6, there is more Rowe in the Oxford boat than in
that of their opponents their opponents ; their time is also a trifle better, but it will
take them all their time to score a win. No. 1 has a Brasen-
nose connected with him, which is a serious drawback; No. 2 rides
too much on the snaffle; and No. 3 has a reprehensible habit of
standing on his head in the middle of a stroke and scratching his left
heel with his oar-blade. No. 4, too, exhibits a chronic state of
illness for which his quick recovery is but slight compensation.
Nos. 5 and 6 have frequently to be requested by their coach to
" pick ip," being addressed as sticks." Stroke is not much, but he
is more than 7, and I shouldn't be surprised to see him take his crew
triumphantly past the winning-post several lengths in advance.
Of the Cambridge crew, No. 1, however much his companions may
splash, fails to catch the water at the beginning; No. 2 feathers too
much under the keel; No. 3 doesn't seem to feel his stretcher pro-
perly (but this is excusable, both hands being required for the oar);
No. 4 has a tendency to get short, for which the prophet pities him
sincerely, knowing what it is to be without half-a-crown himself, and
all his friends suddenly called away to Liverpool. As for Nos. 6, 6,
and 7, they appear to cherish a violent enmity for their stroke, hold-
ing themselves ready to swing" for him at any moment, although,
curiously enough, they have no inclination to "hang" whatever.
Stroke himself is doing all he can to convert himself into a stroke of
good luck for his University.
From these remarks it will be clear that Back Oxford" is the
advice of-Yours, &c., TaopnoNius.
.. ..... .. %, i J.
MARCH 17, 1880.] F LJTN 105
OVER THE COURSE.
w ....... .. I ................
"Forgeing a-head," a recollection of Hammer-smith.
"Rather lumpy," a recollection of Corney.
"Drawing away," a ditto of Aort'1-ache.
"Hugging the shore; a decided roll perceptible."
"A weak stretcher," a recollection of Cravin'-cot-age.
The feather under water," "leaving the aqua duck."
[MARCH 17, 1880.
Flo :-" ARE YOU GOING TO BACK CAMBRIDGE, BOB?"
Bob :-"No LOOK HERE, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO : OXFORD TO WIN
AND CAMBRIDGE FOR A PLACE."
(A FIT SUBJECT FOR THE PRESENT DATE.)
" SOMETHING new, something nobody's done-
It's a subject that you do so well !-
Just a Fancy brought earthwards by Fun.
Yours, the Ed. P.S.-Quick, and excel! "
It is left by a boy with a smut,
And I'm left, hipped and hopeless, to glean
"Something new,"-and to find nothing, but
Dash the cobalt and ultramarine !
I have tried to induce the due gush
With strange drinks that have damaged my nerves,
I have cribbed Mr. Frith's facile brush,
I have poached on Our Special's preserves;
But, by Jove if there are tints one can't
Show up well-when one's ceased being green-
They're the colours our 'Arries now flaunt,
They're the cobalt and ultramarine.
Pretty pigments enough in their way,
When they're mixed by a Turner or Hook;
They may lie well, but not in a lay,
Such as might suit this bard's modest book.
That may teem with vermilions and chromes-
Songs of love and of horror, I mean-
But they're no use (hues) at all for new pomes,
Neither cobalt nor ultramarine.
I could twaddle, ecstatic or deep,
Just an age or two back, as to how
These eights feather or t'other eights sweep,-
Sweep I'm black when I think of it now !
I could roar as the victors flashed by,
I regard them with pity serene ;
I would die for my side-now I dye-
But not cobalt nor ultramarine.
Ah, well, Time puts us all in our place !
They are oarmen-I bore men: we're class'd;
And if I don't see much in the race
It's because mine's been run rather fast.
And, perhaps, in this world one might slip
Into currents that leave one less clean
Than we rise from our annual dip
Into cobalt and ultramarine.
THERE is a tide in men's affairs,
So Shakespeare's self hath taught one,
Which, taken at the flood, upbears
And leads us on to fortune.
But when on Thames's flood there meet
Two crews in friendly tussle,
Which will the tide of fortune greet ?-
Ah, darling, that's the puzzle.
THE POLITICAL RACE.
BOTH sides having gone into active training, the race will now take
place early in the coming month, the course as usual being from the
Polling Booths to Downing-street.
The True Blues" still retain the services of their president,
Beaconsfield, K.G., as stroke, and he will have the same crew behind
him as in 1874, with the exception of two rather popular oars, Derby
(bow) and Carnarvon, who left the boat several seasons ago, during
the time the crew was in active training for the Eastern Question
Stakes, which, it will be remembered, terminated in a row over the
course at Berlin.
Salisbury, who succeeded Derby as bow, is by no means so safe an
oar; and he develops a tendency for splashing at practice, which re-
During a recent trial race Mr. Cross (No. 2) caught a decided crab
through failing to catch the Water," and all but upset the boat.
The stroke set by the captain (Beaconsfield), it may be said, is a some-
what fluky one, and it is doubted if he possesses his old power of
The boat to be used by the True Blues in the coming struggle is
not the one in which they rowed to victory in 1874, but a new craft has
been specially constructed by Messrs. Foreign Policy and Obstruction
for the occasion, which political amateurs declare is not built on the
successful lines of the old boat, turned out by the eminent firm of
Bible and Beer.
The rival crew has not yet settled which of its numerous boats it
will use on the occasion, its various members having so far contented
themselves with tubbingg" practice, in which Gladstone, the ex-
president and present coach," has greatly distinguished himself.
Speculation is somewhat scarce, but slight odds are being offered
against the "True Blues."
Matters of Detail.
DETERMINED that everything shall be_ in strict keeping with the
nature of the struggle, the pistol fired at the conclusion of the race is
to be provided with an "out-trigger," we understand ; whilst the
" wash of the steamers is to be promptly attended by University
washerwomen, who are towed astern in tubs" belonging to the
O.U.B.C. and C.U.B.C. The said washerwomen are to have with
them, for laundry purposes, a supply of both light and dark "blue."
A Fluid Epigram.
THERE is no doubt expressed in political circles that the sudden
dissolution has been precipitated by the general chorus of disapproval
which has followed the introduction of Mr. Cross's Water Bill.-
On the eve of the battle this much is quite clear :
Should the Lib'rals their enemies slaughter,
A Government, then, which was brought in by Beer
Will have to go out, thanks to Water !
THINGS TO PUT IN THE HAMPER.-Blue Point oysters, claret (with
the blue seal), and blancmange made from blue corn-flour.
F'UN.-v MARCH 17, 1880.
UPSETTING THE BOATS.-THE DIZZY-SOLUTION OF PARLIAMENT.