PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS) BY T. MOFFITT,
153, FLEET STREET, E.C.
No while ago there was a good little boy whose name was Jack that is
his real name was John Bull, but he was called Jack because he was such a
Good boy, as a reward. But, sad to tell, he was followed all about by a great Ogre
who continually threatened to eat him up; and the presence of this Ugre always
depressed Jack. And one day-as an additional reward quite beyond and apart from
the one we have already named-an old man presented Jack with a bean, at the same
time remarking "One hundred and fifty-three." And good little Jack thanked the
old man (who carried a stick) politely for the handsome present; and when the good
old man had gone, Jack, saying, "Yah! Who wants a bean? Stingy old fright,"
flipped the vegetable on to the dust-heap and went indoors to have a pipe.
But what was Jack's surprise next morning to find that the bean had sprouted
to an unusual height, about to the sky; for Jack had often bought packets of seeds,
but these had never been in the habit of coming up. So Jack felt the bean carefully
to see whether it was a "do," and fell to wondering when the old man would call for
the money-as the people who left the packets of seeds always did-and what the
price would be. Well," thought Jack, I have made a fool of myself! Never
even inquired the price, and the old boy will be sure to pile it on thick because I'm
-i innocent-why it may come to a fiver "
Then suddenly the old man's words occurred to Jack, One hundred and fifty-
S111 three." Can't have meant pounds ?" said Jack uncomfortably. Well, as Jack was
) now in for that bean he decided to make what use of it he could, and, seeing that such
an overgrown vegetable would be too tough to eat (or even to pass at Covent Garden,
fl where they are not good and innocent like Jack)he decided to climb it.
Well, he now noticed that the leaves were numbered consecutively, beginning at
the lowest; so up he went until he arrived at a leaf larger than the rest-so large,
indeed, that it spread away like a country. Might make a show of it and cover
expenses," thought Jack. The leaf was numbered 153 ; so he stepped upon it, closely
followed by the dreadful Ogre who had climbed up after him ; but, strange to tell,
although the sight of the Ogre had never before failed to cast Jack down into the
depths of depression, from the moment he stepped upon the leaf he was enabled to
Sldefy the Ogre's influence entirely; in fact, he began to feel an inclination to chuckle,
Smile, grin, and giggle, as if greatly tickled and amused. On the leaf he entered a
most beautiful hall, containing every treasure which the mind can conceive, and this
I hall was numbered 1." From this he wandered on through hall after hall, each
filled with delights rarer than the last; and all around there was a strange, delightful
atmosphere of jubilation and mirth; a continued cracking of jokes made a sound
most grateful to the ear, and, stranger than all, Jack's inclination to laugh increased
as he walked, until he had to keep tight hold of his sides. Then he saw a great blaze
of light, and the sounds of mirth increased a million-fold as he entered the most
dazzling, delightful hall of the whole series, and on a throne in the centre sat a great
and genial spirit engaged in distributing laughter.
:" Come hither," said the Spirit, courteously, to Jack. Jack tried, and gasped.
S" I can't," he stammered, nearly loosing his grip on his sides. I can't stand
the atmosphere of fun round you-I-oh dear !" and he went off into yells of
laughter. "Who are you, if you please ?" he asked, on recovering a little.
S" I," replied the Great Spirit, am FuN !"
At this moment Jack looked round for the Ogre, for he had lost all fear of him in
these surroundings, and wanted to put his finger to his nose at him to indicate
defiance; but the Ogre was no longer at his elbow, and Jack caught a faint glimpse of
him standing baffled outside the entrance to the first hall-far away.
." Ah !" said FUN, Our friend dare not show his face in here-now I daresay
o don't know his name, although he has haunted for so long ? No ? I thought not.
I is name is Low Spirits."
"And please what is this great leaf-153 P asked Jack.
The Bean-stalk," replied the Spirit, is Fleet-street; this leaf is 153, Fleet-
street; and these halls are the VOLUMES of FUN. Do you sco the number of
S4 the Hall we are now in ?"
)ft has aolunt Gljirti.
ANOTHERc Picture Ga'ery, 9
Artist on the Spot (The), 29
'Arry 'Opkins Feels the Reaction, 53
On the Season, 63
,, ,, 'As a 'Oliday, 74 [123
,, On the Descent of Man,
,, And the Glorious Fifth, 19u
After the Fair," 204
n th Introduces a Friend, 235
Artist on the Spot Again (The), 39
Ah, Cruel Fate 57
Advice to Bathers, 112
As to Metrological Defects, 132
Advantages of the School Board (The),
BATTLE of the Cat (The), 31 [221
B ,ck, 135
Before the Telephone, 181
Bottom of it All (The), 185
Brown's Leg, 203
British Boot (The), 272
CRITICAL Experiment (A), 20
Column on Cookery (A), 103
Cry of the Card Sharpers (The), 103
Chatteaux en Espagne, 114
Cabmau's Complaint (The), 121
Curious Facts, 135
Capture of Cetewayo (The), 140
Cove at Dover (A), 162
Chance of Iatroduction (A), 211
City of Palaces (The), 220
Combined Fleets, 22J
Cattle Show Week (The), 241
Conspirators (The), 243
Christmas, 1879, 253
Dors by the Way:-
Summer Time, 3
Water, Water Everywhere, 62
Rub-a-Dub, Row-Row-Row 161
Lord Beaconsfield at Guil7dhall, 205
Song to Christmas (A), 262
Disappointed Ambition, 3
Doleful Dumps, 11
Dismissal (A), 52
Defeat of Paterfamilias, 102
Diner Fin, 214
EVrox Harrow, 26
Evidently a Savage, 157
Eye Art, 174
Ectremes Meet, 179
Extraordinary Supernatural Pheno-
mena I 239
Eighteen Hundred and Seventy-Nine,
End of the Play (The), 272
Fox's Guide to Londen : 12, 22, 32, 42,
52, 62, 84, 94, 104,114,124,134, 146, 154,
161, 174, 181, 194, 204, 214, 221, 231, 214,
Food 12 [255, 266
Filly of the Fishes (The). 63
Few "Nic-Nacrs" (A), 139
Flighty Fanny, 250
GONDOLIER'S Lament (The), 13
Great Passenger Trials (Tne), 99
Grievance (A), 1u5
Grand RBation. 149
HENLEY Rlgatta, 7
Holiday Lectures, 63
" Horse of a Cheerful Countenance
Hood's Annual, 254
Hints for Home Comforts, 266
INTELLIGENT Foreigner at Lord's (The),
,, ,, ,, Goodwood,43
,, ,, ,, Lord Mayor's
,, ,, on the English
Instituting an Enquiry, 27
In the Conservatory, 131t
I Won't Buy Your Pretty Flowers 190
Islington Idyl (An), 2:0
LAST Return (The), 18
Last (The), 23
La Grenouillilre 91
Latest News (The), 110
Love Laughs at Locksmiths, 165
La Chanson du Retour, 169
Likely Tales :
The Luckless Scapegoat, 42
Lament (A), 230
Man who couldn't Kiss (The), 90
Militiaman's Dream (A), 102
My Drama, 125
Made-up Babies, 143
Message from the Sea (A), 153
My Cot, 170
March of the Men of Sligo (The), 223
Mysterious Disappearance at a Seaport,
(The), 2 0
" NEITUER Borrow nor Lend," 122
New "Blow" at Ignorance (A), 160
New Method of Things (A) :
Not to be Caught, 190
OUR Extra-Special on the Agricultural
Show, 2; At the Kilburn Show, 19;
At the Albert Hall Fete, 28 ; In Camp,
37; At Wimbledon, 47; At the Bee
Show, 57; At Shoeburyness. 69; At
the Seaside, 72; In North Wales. 85,
Still in Wales, 101 ; Asoends a
Mountain, 109; At a MusicalFestival.
113; At the Rigi KulmHotel, 129; On
the Moors, 141; At the Guildhall, 150;
Atthe Tso Congresses. 161; At the
Dairy Show, 171; On the Instruastive
Drama, 180; On Guy Faux's Day,
189 ; Keeps up the Fifth, 194; At the
Lord Mayor's Banquet, 205; And the
Premier's Annual, 219; And the New
Press Rules, 230 ; At the Cattle Show,
234; Prepares for Christmas, 245
Christmas, 261 ; and the Future, 265
On the Stairs, 11
Old Grump. 33
Overheard Interview (An), 154
Our Maligned Laws, 201
POSITION of Power (A), 22
Prize of the old M.P. (The), 133
Problem (A), 159
ROMANCE of the Thames (A), 8i
Ruler's Safeguard (The), 131
Registration (The), 160
Reliable Guide (A), 170
SONGS of Surprise:
The Author who Bore Up, 17
Song of th' Soaked (The), 21
Sarah as William, 30
Skeleton at the Bean Feast, 59
Seaside Reveries, 79
Sifting it Thoroughly, 105
Sine Qua Non (A). 161
Strange Bird (A), 182
Sour Grapes, 200
Six-Shooter Nat's Grey Mare, 209
Sock and Buskin, 171, 179, 191, 199, 203,
219. 229, 241, 245, 256, 271
Too Much, 38
Tantalising Descriptionist (The), 49
Thoughts on the River, 89
To Mary the Housemaid, 93
Too True 115
Tupper at the Seaside, 142
To Prince Bismarck's Dog, 141
[raveller's Return (The), 152
Tradesman's Lament (A), 183
To a Friend, 190
Trophonius at St. James's Hall. 201
S at the Criterion, 249
The '80 Annuals, 240
Turf Cuttings, 8, 18, 32,50, 51, 67, 83, 110,
119, 130, 134, 145,159, 163,175, 191, 193,
That Old Party Again, 251
UNIQUE Hotel (The), 74
Unforesee-n Catastrophe l (An), 91
Untrusted One (The), 111
Undutiful Neighbour (The), 121
VANISHEuD Love (A), 181
Very "Tal Sport, 181
W I .. i. i,, I ; ,
W e .I, .- V. .-, i .i
Wimbledon, 1879, 41
White Cat (The), 58
Where are the Friends of My Youth ? 95
"We'll Give 'Em the Bullet 111
Wec Walk (A), 130
Waiting I 141
Wotsisnaym's Wooing, 185
Wild Oats, 210
Word with the Editor (A), 220 [231
War, By the Special Correspondent (The)
Waits (The) 241
ZULU's Vengeance (The), 183
."J ~ --
AT the Agricultural Show, 3
All the Difference, 20
Aboutthe --, 34
As you Were, 63
"Alarm's Excursion," 72
Awful Sea Monster (An), 86
Another Brute. 149
Awkward for Sniffles, 155
" And Sarve Him Right, To)," 160
Authority (An), 162
Any Excuse Better than None, 1(5
Acid Drops, 169
Arrangements for a Boat-Race, 186
Acting Charades. 264
BOOK Borrower (The), 4
Books Again. 14
Beneath the Surface, 41
Brush Up (A), 51
Bad Excuse Better than None (A), 85
Butter Fingers. 180
COMPLETE English Boy (The), 44
Cat (The). 51
Creamy Joke (A), 102
Condemned to Perform in Public, 125
Conjugal Affection, 182
Concealed Prosecutor (The),-A sug-
"Cheaper to Borrow than Buy," 21)5
Christmas Eve, 261
Christmas Examination", 272
Christmas Novelties, 263
DEAR I Dear 38
Double Meaning, 93
Desirable Disease, 109
Dignity and Impudence, 143
Doctor's Bottles, 152
Divisional Surgeon (The), 153
Damper (A), 213
Direct to the Show-Showing Him
ExNLIsH Art-The Kiss Mammy "
FARMER'S Logic, 28 '
Free Trade Question (The), 153
"Faux Pas' s (A)," 132
For Building on," 205
'*Friendly Hint (A)," 233
GARDENING for 1879, 2i
"Give" and "Take," 74
Great Russian Victory (A), 216
HOLIDAY "Trim" (A), 71
" Honesty its own Reward," 99
Hard on 'Arry, 129
He Doesn't look It, 140
" He was (Not) a Careful Man," 163
Home Rulers, 223
IN the Street, 57
JUVENILE Acrobatic Feat (A), 56
KNOWING the Nature of an Osth (A
Ketch-up (The), 105 [Fact), 90
"Knot a Doubt about It," 13a
Key Vive (The), 195
" LIKE a Beard," 53
Logical Deduction (A), 145
MAN of Standing (A), 61
Meat and Drink, 71
Making it Plaic, 175
Magistrates Again, 176
" NOT for Joseph," 10
Naked Truth, 13
Notes at the Royal Agricultural Snow, 17
Not to be Caught, 79
New "Lay" (A), 96
Notion (A), 265
" ONE Touch of," etc., 115
" Out of Sight and out of Mind," 119
Out and In, 132
" On View," 173
On the Hunt, 192
PUeSUIT of Art (The), 31
Political Offender in Rus'ia (The), 116
Perhaps it is a Matter of Taste ? 146
Power of Imagination (The), 166
Pit District Pity, 170
Poser (A), 172
Positive Comparative Superlative Criti-
Peculiarities of the Bull-dog, 226
Pervading Fashion (A), 268
"Put to his Pinches," 267
QUITE Accounting for It, 63
Quite Unavoidable I 126
REASON Why (A), 18
Right you are (Not), 142
Rum Customer (A), 150
Rounding on Her, 180
Rather Cool, 240
SMALL Difficulty (A), 23
"Suit "-able and "Smart" Reply (A),
Slight Hiat (A), 50
Such a Saving, 64
Sweeping Remark (A), 70
Seaside Studies, 83
S Id, 83
Slight Difference of Political Opinion,
Seaside Studies, 113
Sad Case (A), 120
Sell (A). 210
Sunday Reading, 215
Something to Weep for, 240
So Doosid Awkward for a Pellow,
Don't You Know I 252
Spirit" of Christmas (The), 255
THANKS for Nothing, 7
"Them Stoopid Cockney 'Abits," 21
There's Many a true Word, &c., 80
Tonic (A), 33
Taking Him off, 73
That Admirer I 81
"Taking it in the Right Spirit," 100
That Inexhaustible Subject, theWeather,
T.il and Trouble, 185
Time to Sway" iThe), 200
To-morrow and To Morrow, 225
UNHACKNEYED Simile (An)), 48
Ungrateful Schemer (The), 236
Under the Green-wood, 254
VANITY df Human Wishes (The), 11
Wimbledon July, 1879, 37
Wet and Dry, 60
"Weighty Difference (A), 67
"With the Chill off," 80
Wane of the Honeymoon (The), 92
Wrong Key (The), 95
Weights and Measures (A Seaside ex-
Won by a Tongue, 190
Wanting to "Draw" His Pay," 202
W" here Courage Lies," 203
Waking Up, 232
ATTACK on the Press (The), 107
Army v. the Press (The), l27
Ameer and the Premier (The), 147
At Guildhall, 207
BRAvo, Chelhaford I 45
Blind Man's Buff, 157
CLEANING His Boots, 55
lxoi of the Zulu War (The), 187
FrNISiING Touch, 117
Father Christmas "Coming bund
GuiNO Away, 65
Great Guy of the Sason (The), 1S7
HAPPY Arcadia ; 87
IN Memrriam, 15
"JUsT Trid on the Tails O' Me Coat,"
NEcessAnRy Operation (A), 167
Newly Married Couple," 197
Political Mr. Winkle" (The), 269
Pumping Public Opinion, 97
ROYAL Agricultural Exhibition (The), 5
tival Anglers (The), 177
Revival of Trade (The), 217
SoLniaEi's Dream (The), 35
Seaside Sirens, 77
I Serenade (The), 227
i Tue Waits ; or, Out in the Cold," 247
LounLY roars the furnace's fire,
Quickly the mash-tub fills,
Sturdy mortals nothing can tire,
Working with all their wills.
Note the faees you'll oft recall
(Grandest of all their sex),
Mr. FuN and his merry men all
Brewing their treble X."
Mighty TTMKYNS, genial, gay,
Terror of statesmen bad;
BRITISH WOtKMAN pegging away-
Pegging away like mad;
One who works a Lay of his own;
(Others, with malt in pecks,
Brew a beer that's smaller-to tone
Strength of our treble X.").
Here you see TRoPHoNius, too
(Tastes as he goes along I),
Also one who's making the brew
Some one minding the fire below
(Piling it up with cheques !),
Keeps the whole concern in a glow,
Brewing our treble X."
Wit and Wisdom, Genial Fun,
Humour and Satire keen,
Praise and bays for Honesty's son,
Scorn for the False and Mean,
Pitying chaff" for Malcontents,
Laughter that folly wrecks--
These are the chief ingredients
Forming our treble X."
Qiaff your fill and revel galore,
Nothing of ill is faced-
Aching heads, in consequence, or
Warming heart and bracing the will,
Quelling the cares that vex;
Take the dainty cordial-fill-
Drink of our treble X."
VOL. xXz. Nu. 738
(Plajiarised, in a sort of a way, from the English.
PERLOGUE.-Gervasia and Virginia have been rivals for the hand of
an eligible young bachelor named Lounger. The object .of their
mutual admiration having shown a preference for Gervasia- by sitting
out a waltz with her, the rival ladies have had 'words, and even gone
so far as to throw their caps at one another. The admired Lounger
has, however, been discovered to be a married man, and Gervasia has
married a Mr. Cooper. Virginia, on the contrary, having missed her
last chance in Lounger, remains single, with the determination to
work out a deadly vengeance upon her former rival, Gervasia: The
play opens during the first year of the married life of Mr. and Mrs.
sOHmN I.-The Blissful Bower of the Coopers. 'Uasullied hqApiness is
S. stamped upon every article of furniture,.
MR.'Ooorza (embracing Mas. COOPER).
How filled with bliss is matrimony's state i
_iMas. CooPxR (embracing MR. CooPra).
S How blithely pass the hours of wedded life!
f(Together.) And why? Because sweet Moderation rules
Our ev'ry act and is-our household god. -
Mas. COOPER (glancing out of the window and shrinking back with horror).
Oh, heavens What is this ? A butcher's boy
Has entered even now the servants' gate,
And now progresses swiftly toward the door
Bearing a joint!-(clinging wildly to Ms. CooPER)-
Oh, say it is not thou
Who hast bespoken this-oh, say!-
MR. COOPER (reassuring and calming her tenderly). My own!
Dost thou not know me yet ? This sad distrust
Is ill indeed from thee-and touching MB !
'Tis some mistake-see, even as I speak,
The butcher's boy departing by the gate
Bearing the joint unto its rightful bourne.
Be calm, I pray!-(leading her to sofa).
Mas. COOPER (still agitated). Oh, swear, but once again,
Never to break the binding vow we made
When wedding, that the dread Destroyer, FOOD
(The herald of intemperance and vile
Should never pass the lips of either of us.
0 think what happiness has bathed our souls
These seven months that we have kept our vow,
Avoiding sustenance !
MR. CoOPER. I think of it,
And-though it needeth not-repeat my vow.
(They embrace tenderly and kneel together on the sofa to re-register the vow.
At this moment VImGINIA glides in unperceived by them, and fies upon
them a look of unrelenting hate.)
VIRGINIA (aside). Ay, vow away-my snares shall baffle ye I
(Act drop. An interval elapses, during which MR. and Mas. CoorzP
determine to take a holiday in Paris. In crossing, MR. C. is very sick,
and the resulting indisposition clings to him; he consults a physician in
Paris, who prescribed food. The advice is rejected with horror.)
Exterior of a Restaurant in 1aris. A delicious odour of cooking pervades
the air. Enter MR. and MRs. Coorna, tenderly embracing.
ME. CoorPE. How filled with bliss is matrimony's state I
MRs. CoorPE. How blithely pass the hours of wedded life!
(Together.) And why ? Because the binding vow we made
Concerning sustenance remains unbroken.
Ma. COOPER (unaccountably agitated).
Ah, true-the herald of intemperance
Shall never- Surely I am not myself;
A savour that is strangely new and sweet
Assails me-- A=
[JULY 2, 1879.
MRS. COOPEr Horror! Let us come away !
It is the cooking of comestibles.
(Clinging to him.) Oh, swear the herald
Mn. CooPRa (struggling with himself). Of intemperance
Shall never- (wavering)-hardly ever-take me hence!
VIsGINIA's voice (heard of). Remember! Illness-food-the remedy
MR. COOPER. Compel me! Drag me-I am not-myself I!
(MRs. CooPER, horror-stricken, drags him of. Then enter up trap 'from
Restaurant kitchen V Ol, INIA, disguised as a chef.)
VIRINIA. My work is well begun. 'Tis I have forged
These perfumes rare of rich comestibles,
And sent them up through yonder grating thus
To tempt his nature. I shall have him yet.
(Re-enter MR. CoorPE, as if drawn against his will by some fascination.
He snifs, and struggles with himself.)
Mn. COOPER. Be firm -miny vow-Ah, I had never known
On British soil a savour rare as this I
(Beats his breast. At this moment VIRGINIA, at his elbow, places the bil1
of fare before his eyes; the perfumes increase twentyfold; his senses
reel; he rushes in, sits at table, and unfolds a napkin. Mas. CooPEr
enters and swoons, while VIRGINIA stands pointing. A very powerful
(.he wretched CoorPE has become a confirmed Food-consumer, and neglects
wife, business, and all, to eat; he has engaged a French cook. All
around hover intemperance, immoderation, epiourianism, indigestion,
dyspepsia The home of the Coopers is indeed changed; misery glares
from all the upholstery.) SzaNE.-Bower of the Coopers once more ;
MR. Coora is eating food.
ME. CooPER. How wearisome is matrimony's state I
Mas. COOPER. How dully drag the hours of wedded life I
And why F Because-oh, do not burst, my heart I- .
Because-I cannot bear it! I am LOlI "
(She takes to food. VIRGINIA rises by a trap, ard stands in triumphant
(A piece conveying a most excellent moral.)
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON THE ROYAL AGRICUL-
Mir general impression of this great Agricultural Exhibition, sir, is
that it will do. Everything has been done on a thorough aid lavish
scale. The right sort of key-note was struck, indeed, when it was
determined,. em. con., to make the show yard consist of 100 acres.
That being decided, all else was carried out in a similar spirit. The
sheds, not satisfied with being mere outhouses, are out-and-out-
houses, in fact; and anyone of them might be used as a ".board-
room," if necessary. The cattle-shedp pro as "stable" as though
they had been intended for the horses, and. the stalls for the latter are
covered with velvet, antimacassared, numbered,, and may be. booked
a week in advance. Order reigns supreme in the pig department (no
"order" is admitted to the show after 7, by:the bye, but this is
parenthetical), and nothing of a "higgledy-piggledy" character is to
be found there; whilst the floors of the sheep-folds are so clean that
you might pick up a sheep-pen and write upon them if it so
The machinery in motion is equally well looked after. Had it been
a free nation instead of what it is, more attention could not be paid
to it's common wheel," whilst I particular noticed that the fore-
thought of the committee had provided a strapping youth to look
after the connecting straps of the various implements.
As to the Model Dairy department, there ire fair maids there
making butter whom it is worth a long "churney" to see. They
work so late, by the way, that instead of Model Day-ry merely, I
think Model Day and Night-ry would be a b6tter-I was going to
say "butter "-name for the shed in which they toil.
It is most refreshing to see real plough-boys sitting on rustic stiles
specially provided, and eating bread and fat bacon with a olasp-knife.
It is curious to notice, though, how the Harrow boys, in their monkey
jackets and.all round collars, look down on them.
Some of the new machines are most wonderful. There is a root-
cutter, for instance, in which you put in some turnips, turn a handle,
and they come ;out "mangled" at the other ade; Swedes become
"miangold" in .the same way; and vice wurziy. There is a nev
drilling-machine, too, which all adjutants of militia should possess,
whilst there are steam "rakes which go the ace at a rate which
would out-distance the fastest man about town. ,.: *
Some sickles made of chilled steel are about th; coolest blades I ever
saw. I noticed one which was so very chilled thdt I felt bound to call
it a nice sickle* when the committee was hottlistening.
Had the occasion been less portentous, I should have attempted a conundrum
here. The answer would have been, Because it's an icicle, of course."-Y.E.-S.R.
JULY 2, 1879.]
One thing puzzled me much, and that was the declaration that the
prize bullock was the best bred" in the show. Had they called it
the "best meat" I could have understood the assertion; but surely
beef can't be bread, under any circumstances.
Foreign cattl e fairly represented. There were Irish bulls; and
a Cockney friend told me he had seen some German 'ocks in the
refreshment-tent. The result must have been nearly as bad as that of
the proverbial bull in the china shop, I should think. Nothing was so
generally remarked, however, as a Walworth "Buffalo" in full
Agricultural chemistry, as illustrated in the yard by the experiments
of a "Farmer -cutical chemist, specially engaged, has proved a very
interesting department. Perhaps this is partly owing to the fact that
the chemist is a wag. For instance, in recommending South American
manures most strongly, he went so far as to advise farmers to even get
a dog, if possible, with a Peruvian bark.
I hope I have said enough to induce everyone who can manage to
pay a visit to Kilburn whilst the show is open. Bachelors will find it
especially easy to pick up the first principles .of husbandry" there ;
and if young men must sow their wild oats they can't do better than
take a lesson in harvesting at the same place. By the way, I was
astonished to find how many country farmers had taken rooms for the
week down Putney way. They felt more at home, they told me, when
sleeping in Barnes I Those who are in London, however, haunt the
" Grazing-road," I understand. But no matter where they sleep, so
long as they are wide awake at the show-eh, sir P
A Startling An-ounce-ment.
ONE ounce of meat wasted daily in each household in England and
Wales is equal to 300,000 sheep in a year. What a lamb "-entable
fact, to be sure I-.and what a strong" argument against weekly "
waste I !
A CoUPLB or Fnurs.-The papaw and the mammee.
DOTS BY THE WAY.
AGAIN the leaves.are on the trees,
The blossom on the thorn,
Again the sweet rose-scented breeze
Dips gently on the corn.
The winter past and so the spring,-
Glad summer fills the day,
And now we hear the mavis sing
And merry minstrels play.
Then hey for woods and leafy dell,
Where winds the gurgling stream,-
Where trees their soft notes murmuring tell
Like music in a dream ;-
For fields all daisy deck'd and gay,
For buttercups like gold,
We'll loiter through the scented hay
As in the days of old.
Marry Come Up."
A DAY or two ago, at Everton near Liverpool, a
marriage was solemnized between John Samuel Beer
and Elizabeth Grieve. We have noticed of late how the
teetotal party attribute the increase of intemperance
among women to the grocers' licenses, but now they can
go still further and condemn marriage licenses, for
m this case matrimony has compelled one lady hence-
forth to be wedded to her Beer." We never like
joking on serious subjects, and drunkenness is a very
serious subject, or we would add that the fact of anyone
marrying a beery man may make the foolish laugh, but in
this instance it may be the makingof the judicious Grieve.
Church and Stage.
A socIETY, The Church and Stage Guild," has been
established, to provide religious and social sympathy
between the members of the church and the stage. Well,
they have been so long and so closely connected together
in the photographers' shop-windows that we can hardly
wonder at the rev. gentlemen wanting to cultivate a little
social sympathy with some of our talented and charming
actresses; but what about the Mrs. Rev's. ? Will they
be so pleased F Still no doubt the comic opera little pets
and the ballet will be delighted when they are introduced
to the Archbishop of Canterbury-vat a larks I
I'VE the Divine Afflatus! Yes, I know it, and I'll show it,
Though isn'tt always easy when you want to go to go it;
Some folks there are whore born to fame, while other folks achieve it,
Though critics mayn't be ready to perceive it or believe it.
The Laurel Crown is mine'by rights; rll wear it-yes, I swear it-
With no pre iMptuous rhymester will I ever deign to share it;
The wreath peon my lofty brow most nobly will adorn it-
I'll bear it az.v I11 wear it as none else has borne or worn it.
Each word I xar Ilong at once to chime it and to rhyme it,
However high PAassus' peak, resolved am I to climb it;
There's but one end and aim for me, and bravely I'll pursue it,
I'll be the Laureate ere I die-most true it is I'll do it.
Whene'er I see a daisy I caress it-I confess it-
And in the sweetest melody of verse forthwith address it;
Whene'er I sail the sounding sea or cross the mighty main, it
Provokes an outburst of the Muse-in vain I would restrain it.
No matter what the theme may be, though small the thing, I'll sing it,
And from the dust to Realms of Light on Fancy's wing I'll bring it.
0 flame divine I A trifle is sufficient to ignite it
As I light it; burning bright it illumes me as I write it!
To magazines I send my verse-they flout it and they scout it,
" Declined with thanks is all that they have got to say about it.
Yet I'm a gifted mortal I Ain't these lines enough to show it P
There's no one like me in the world-I know itk-'m a Po-arT
BBsS are said to build their cells on geometrical principles, but,
surely, they cannot like to learn Euclid.-" From a bee, let there be
cut off a part," &c.
AT THE AGRICULTURAL SHOW.
Tom:-" AH, NOW, WHY I1 THAT MANGEL WURZEL A GREAT INCON-
SISTENCY ?" Angelina:--" I DON'T KNOW."
Tom :-" WHY, YOU 8EE, ALTHOUGH IT'S A VEGETABLE IT'S STILL ONE OF
THE BEST OF (F)noors."
THE BOOK BORROWER.
You never mind lending your moat cherished books to him, for he always is so
careful to cover them. Yes, you lend him the book he asks for, on
the understanding that he doesh't under-lend it; then
" Well, old fellow," he says to a friend, I said I would not lend this
to anybody, but I might just lend it to you, if you'll promise
not to let it go out of your hands."
" What ?" says that friend to his son, "' lend you this book to paint the pictures' ?
Well, I said rd-but I suppose there's no hazm in lending it to you."
"I've got yer that book" Faye that son to his schoolfellow; "but yer
mustn't lend it to anybody else, nor cut out many of the pictures."
Dear, dear I exclaims the original borrower, when he gefs the book back a
year later, it certainly isn't so fresh as it e as / It's really time I covered
it to prevent its getting damaged."
And then he brings it back so neatly wrapped in brown paper that your bosom
warms to him, and you lend him a pricelesN MS.-and his little friends
make drumheads uf it.
FTJN.-JULY 2, 1879.
THE BRITISH IAINER
THE ROYAL AGRICULTURAL EXHIBITION.
Specimens which ought to be included in the Show.
" PROSPERITY," by Management, out of Better Times. I ADVERSITY," by Foreign Competition, out of Hard Times.
JULY 2, 1879.] F n o7
THANKS FOR NOTHING.
Boy (to Gentleman, who has not given him any reward for carrying his
portmanteau) :-" An' please, sir, what must I say if anyone asks me
how much I has to thank you for F "
I SING the brightest, gayest, fairest meeting of the age,
And fairest in another sense, I'll manfully engage.
The meet that puts the Royal Heath's completely in the shade,
That causes Goodwood's glories to comparatively fade;
That pales the Harrow-Eton match (attended by a clique),
And routs the claims in toto of the Canterbury week."
By it the laurels of the Wight" are lamentably thinn'd,
The R.Y. squadron yacht week, when there's never any wind.
The meet before which other meets necessitously bow,
For Youth manipulates the lines with Beauty in the prow.
The most select of gatherings, the prettiest of sights,
With sights, too, of the prettiest and similar delights ;
Where pluck and fashion congregate, bright toilettes and skill,
Where beauty and endurance mix (we hope it always will).
Where cherry lips on swivel rowlocks' qualities decide,
Discoursing on the merits of a 20 inches slide,"
Talk sagely of the station," and considering the strength
The stream has now, the Berks is even worth another length ;
And prattle of the Goblet." or the sculls beset with gems.
This meet is the Regatta held at Henley-upon-Thames !
The homefield's packed with carriages; another row behind
The crowd of eager visages with which the bridge is lined.
And pigeon-pie and claret-cup's the order of the day,
While all the bunting of the clubs flaunt out in brave array,-
The "red and white of Kingston, the Ino's tricolor;
The well-known stripes of London wave above the Lion door;
The "red and black of Jesus, and the Twick'nham red and blue,"
The white and red" of Hertford, and the Maudlin banner too.
The Putney Thames "red, white, and black," and Radley's red
The "violet" of Trinity and Eton's azure bright;
The crimson" Lady Margaret, the R.E. red and blue,"
The banner of the Mersey and of Herbert's Avon crew.
The Lion garden's crowded now some half-a-dozen deep,
Each striving over other's heads to get a little peep;
That unpretentious structure holds an energetic band,
And all the "pots" are ranged along the margin of the "stand."
There, right away from what they call the bushes to the post
Lies stretched the decked flotilla which is Henley's special boast;
The launches, screw and paddle, too, of all the sizes made,
The saucy little steamers and the house-boats are arrayed,
And gigs and skiffs, and wherries, punts, and sculling boats as well,
All full of people happy as a merry marriage bell.
But see! from Temple Island now a flag is running up,
Proclaiming they have started for the great Grand Challenge Cup !
The cannon in the meadow bids us clear the course once more,
And all the craft make over to the Buckinghamshire shore.
A moment now of silence which is followed by a shout,
The rivals clip the water, and-see Bucks is showing out,
Their partisans upon the bank run shouting all their strength,
And Bucks by piling 40 on show almost half a length.
And all the way up Fawley Court they're adding to their lead,
But "Berks," though striking 38, move very fast indeed;
Bucks now at over 40 at the cottages is clear,
And over to the Berkshire side their cox. begins to steer;
Their friends hail this manoeuvre with a most tremendous shot,
But Berks has gathered for a spurt, so Bucks" is sheering out.
See, Berks at steady 38 is closing up the gap,
While round the fatal point they commence to overlap,
And inch by inch they're coming up-now 40 tells its tale,
For Bucks is growing splashy-they are level at the rail I
The inner station now begins as usual to tell,
And Berks still slogging 38, both long and strong and well,
A quarter up the winning field have now the race in hand,
Though Bucks again digs 44 just opposite the stand.
The people shout and shout again till positively hoarsei,.
Again the gay flotilla closes in upon the course,
The band strikes up The hero comes," and lo! the G.O.C. ,
Is won by Berks" by two clear lengths in 7.53 !
Then all again is merriment, and luncheoning, and drinks,
And friends upon the river visit friends upon its brinks,
Old oarsmen chat together of regattas that are past,
Of how they did the fastest times (those times are very fast),
The girls grieve for the losers as will always be the case,
Until the starting cannon bids us watch another race.
IT is stated that Messrs. Hare and Kendal intend opening the St.
James's with The Queen's Shilling. We must say that sixpence a
piece is not much capital wherewith to open a theatre, but The Queen's
Shilling is a pinee that is capital .' "I ,
Mr. Hermann Vezin will appear for his benefit this day (Wednesday,
2nd July) at the Adelphi as Cardinal Bichelieu, and as, doubtless,
lovers of the drama from North, South, East, and West will be present,
he will be sure to go in for the Cardinal points. The,part of Julie de
Mortimer will be played by Mrs. Bernard-Beere, who is sure to be
We are glad to note that Miss Bulmer's Opera Bouffe is an estab-
lished success at the Garrick Theatre, as introducing this style of
entertainment to the Whitechapel coaster must have cost. he a heap of
money. Mesdames May Bulmer, Adelaide Newton, and Fanny Hey-
wood are a remarkably attractive trio, and the comicality of Mr.
Beerbohm-Tree is simply tremendous.
The title of the new burlesque at the Royalty is Venus. As
the goddess is supposed to have risen from the sea, Miss Nelly
Bromley, who plays that part, may justly be called a rising actress.
The name of the author is Edward Bose, and as several rows of stalls
are sure to be added, things may be said to have assumed a more rose-
ate hue than has huesually been the case at that house.
There is nothing but praise for the revival of Amy Robsart at the
Adelphi. Good-looking Miss Neilson is complimented most handsomely.
Mr. Neville is said to be the best representative we have had of
Leicester, and, lest ah that should be insufficient, Mr. Vezin is credited
with depicting Varney with subtle cunning, not making him a vulgar
villain. Of course not; he should be thoroughly Farneyehed, for he
is a polished scoundrel.
The management of the Olympic have picked up the not long-
dropped .East Lynne, and by the strong cast of characters have shown
it is by no means all-limp-pick. It will doubtless be a good nest-lin'
for the "firm."
Sir Percy Shelley is building a theatre in Tite-street, Chelsea, to
be devoted to amateur performances of a private character. The
name of the locality-Tite-street-is suggestive of performances of a
SAY England and France to the Khedive, We've had
Quite enough of your debts never paid;
Your manners are faulty, your customs are bad,
And your promises broken e're made.
To raise more funds in vain all round Europe you'll tout,
And since you can't get credit you'd better get-out."
To England and France says the Khedive, "No doubt
You compel me to give up my throne,
Yet I don't like to go, howsoe'er you may pout,
But rather would stick to my own;
Your idea, my good friends, gives me very much Rain,
You say to me mizzle when I rather would reign.
A GOTH having heard Keats' "Isabella mentioned, was brutal
enough to remark, Ah, wasn't that the girl who was so fond of
potted head ?"
A R wILWAY AccIDENT.-Trains true to time.
(JULY 2, 1879.
Clerk:-" WHo IS THE SENDER OF THIS PARCEL?"
Carman :-" SORRA BIT o' ME KNOWS NOW WHAT TO CALL HER. SHE
SHOULD BE MRS. THOMPSON BY HER MOTHER, AND HER HUSBAND HAS PUT
THE NAME OF DOOLIN ON HER. 80, FAIX, I B'LEVE YOU MAY WRITE DOWN
AITHER OF THIM."
EXPEDITION TO HENLEY-D IFFICULTIES- SELFISH CONDUCT OF EDITOR
AND REST OF STAFF-INADEQUATE SALARY-STRANGE RELUCTANCE
TO ACCEPT ITS OLD MAN AS A COMPANION-FINAL DETERMINATION
MY NOBLE PATRONS,-It will be remembered by you all that in
promising a full account of the Henley Regatta for this week I uttered
a warning note. I said, "See that you get it." After which fair
and above-board expression on my part if you don't get it (and it is
not for me to say that you will-indeed, if left to myself I should be
much inclined to say that you woon't) blame can attach to no one but
I have, however (as usual), striven to the utmost to do my duty. I
will not deny that difficulties have presented themselves at almost
every turn; I will not deny that my Editor's liberality has been con-
spicueous by its absence; nor will I deny that the conduct of the rest of
the staff in chartering a launch for a fortnight and not inviting me is
such as I cannot pass over in silence, any more than I will deny the
paltriness of the excuse for excepting me-namely, that I wouldn't
like to pay my share-which need have given them no uneasiness. I
would have been content to have accompanied them solely as their
Indeed, the utter inadequacy of my salary to meet the expenses
necessary to the proper discharge of the duties of my office rendered
my getting to Henley at all a matter of considerable speculation
(although I could get no one to take my bets on the subject).
Early enquiry elicited the fact that the crew I accompanied last year
were able on this occasion (not in the politest terms either) to dispense
with my services as cook; nor by the most diligent searching could
I find anybody willing to accept the honour of my company in any
capacity whatever. (Lest my enemies should triumph at this, I
may point out that it could have been nothing personally objection-
able in the old man that induced this reluctance to welcome him in
their midst, as it was exhibited as strongly in strangers as in those
who have the most intimate acquaintance with my character and
At length it became plain that, although, of course, I must go,
nobody would have me with them. I therefore resolved to go alone !
Bargaining for a canoe with a swindling old boat-builder who insisted
on being paid beforehand-I having incautiously mentioned my
name-i started from Putney hard amid a salute of rain which
lasted for the rest of the day, on Saturday, June 21st, 1879.
A description of the canoe and her contents may not be out of place.
She measured three feet from stem to stern, with a one-foot beam
amidships ; fitted with a tow-pole, a pair of sculls, and two or three
rudders, with sails and rullocks to match. She had also a paddle
(with the usual paddle-box to keep it in when not in use) and a seat for
a lady. On board this craft I stowed my tent, my cooking apparatus,
a two months' supply of bread and cheese, a case knife, a corkscrew,
and (in case I should get wet) six dozen of brandy. I took no living
thing with me but a small kitten. I fancied I could manage the boat
best alone, as I could have all my own way choosing my own time for
spells of work, rest, meals, &c.
And then I went to the Regatta.*-Yours, &c.,
P.S. I am all there for the LIVERPOOL CuP.
P.S. 2. Who gave you the winner of the CHAMPIONSHIP BOAT-
From the rambling nature of this communication we are strongly of opinion
that our representative has not been to Henley at all, and is in the last sentences
simply endeavouring to palm off upon a kindly and enduring public (and Editor)
a sham expedition, evidently suggested by a certain foolhardy project of crossing
the Atlantic lately attracting attention-besides where is the full account "I-
Mr tutor taught me long ago
To make the very best
Of all that happens here below,
Whilst here below a guest;
Because we know," said he to me,
By Truth's unerring light-
No matter what it seems to be,
Whatever is is right."
Though thought-unjustly so-a dunce,
I took the words to heart;
And as an optimist at once
I backed myself to start.
In sooth it is a pleasant creed
To feel, by day or night,
When things look very black indeed-
Whatever is is right.
I've had misfortunes by the score,
In love and money both ;-
Enough to brim the optics o'er,
And prompt the heedless oath.
What then ?-the sun would shine again,
The skies again be bright.
One thought consoled me through my pain;-
Whatever is is right.
Distress has by degrees effaced
Whatever good was mine.
Late hours and liquor I've embraced;
Clay pipes are in my line.
I'm lazy, quarrelsome in speech,
And far too prone to fight:
But still this truth I love to teach-
Whatever is is right!
LBwis SwmiC, of Rochester, New York, discovered a
comet with a short tail on June 16th. As he could not
make a short tail long, Swift seems to have telegraphed
very little news about it. We don't think much of
comets that have short tails; we like a good fiery long-
tailed fellow, something that you can come-it strong
in the gigantic hairy gooseberry sensation paragraph
AN ODD NUMBEn.-Every number of FUN.
I JULY 2, 1879.]
ANOTHER PICTURE GALLERY
(Hitherto left out it the cold, together with the rain and other weather
vicissitudes, and allowed to go to the wall, not to mention the hoarding).
,,6, ^NELNT the show we single
To criticize and talk
It is our duty to direct
Ift \ Attention to one grave
L The pictures, one may
Seem unarranged in any
Which makes them
Troublesome to con;
Nay, more-they haven't
numbers on !
To one more fault we
S And not by ones, nor
twos, nor threes,
But scores and hundreds,
if you please..
This is, we say before
An error-on the hangers' part:
And now, to get our work begun,
We'll look about for Number One. :
Oh, ah-of course it isn't there.
We'll start haphazard, anywhere ;
And first we'll see what merit lurks
In any of the larger works.
Now here is one :-" By Road or Rail,"
Which well, yet simply, tells its tale,
Revealing true artistic bent;
A canvas, too, of some extent.
S In-his important large design
locomotive on a line,
Of (note perspective) mighty span,
Conveys a vast removal van.
Behind this group (whose paint is new)
The ocean ripples, boldly blue;
And o'er it, fearlessly afloat,
Another van is on a boat.
Still one more van supplies a load
To cheer a waggon on its road
And craves the welcome it foresees
At your bright mansion 'mid the trees.
We find throughout the work's extent
Repose and action finely blent:
The ocean's mystic, museful dream-
The gay vivacity of steam.
However, pass we to the next
Where "Drink" supplies thepregnant text,
And topers, having drained the cup,
Are seen completely bottled up.
Intemperance's ghastly clutch
Is given with a master's touch ;
Here maddened rage-here dull remorse,
Are limned with realistic force.
Five wretched heads, successive, sink
Degraded down the gulf of drink,
While, proving those who drink will rue,
The lowest looks extremely blue.
Although perchance with overmuch
Severe and realistic touch
The artist has designed to give
A picture that will teach, and live.
The same artistic hand supplies
Two other works of larger size :
Here also drink"-(though these we deem
Less striking works)-supplies the theme.
One illustrates the ill, we think,
Of too much water with the drink,
And shows the law can not prevail
To succour one without the pail.
In Soap; a Contrast" we've a pair
Of paintings teeming with the rare
Pathetic touches which impart,
Perhaps, its sweetest charm to art:
In No. 1 of these appears
A negro babe of tender years
Who tubs, and seeks to add, with pride,
Fresh burnish to his ebon hide.
But lo in 2-how sad to think!-
We find the wash has turned him pink;
He sees, with feelings on the rack,
His head alone remaining black.
Baulked of the end for which he toiled,
The infant stands, completely spoiled,
To heartless fate unreconcil'd;
A lost-a parti-coloured child !
From such a theme we turn away
With feelings very far from gay;
Les Cloches de Corneville gives relief,
However, to our passing grief.
This work presents an endless mine
Of subtly humorous design
Where endless comic figures swarm,
All wildly incorrect in form:
ThU foreground miser's comic points ;
His obviously borrowed joints,
His stoop-he seems, this grasping gent,
Upon his hoarding strangely bent!
The background forms which, though indeed
Belhind the others, don't recede.
.h e armoured men's unusual mien-
But there, the picture should be seen.
We can but note in passing by
A few more works that strike the eye,
"The Liver" first, a somewhat crude
Yet telling study from the nude.
The Brush," a lady with a rare
Allowance of the brightest hair;
The Tea Plant," chaste as any dream,
A simply-truthful flower-theme.
The Grin," a face that tries to hide
Behind its teeth extending wide
Its grief at being forced to smile
In so expressionless a style.
The show is rather, we should say,
Below the average display;
Beneath a fairish whole there lurks
A paucity of striking works.
With all their "Soles."
TaH Peruvian Congress before adjourning, we see, authorised a home
loan of 10,000,000 soles, for military purposes. Ah, we always thought
the war with Chili a very fishy affair. It would seem, though, that
the charge of lukewarmness cannot in future be brought against the
people of Peru. They will at any rate have their "soles" in the
struggle, if not their hearts. Nor will hostilities be waged without
their full knowledge. This attempt to obtain 10,000,000 soles is a
direct appeal to their' understandings." Perhaps the finance minister
will find it a bootless task, however, for a loan of soles is of all other
loans one the nation can put its foot down upon, one would suppose.
So we hope for Peru's sake this loan is not its Government's "sole"
QUESTION AND ANSWER.
LrrITTL May, little May,
Tell me why you talk all day,
Prattling in xoua pretty way ?"
Why I talk, you ask, all day P-
Because I have so much to say."
A mnALD rascal wants to hear of a recipe for curing his wife's
Ir you hear anyone say that he got into a tram," ask him whether
the car ran over him.
[JULY 2, 1879.
NOT FOR JOSEPH."
Wayfarer :-" CAN I GET THROUGH THIS WAY TO THE AGRICULTURAL SHOW, MT MAN ?"
.Farm Servant :-" OH, 'EES-NICELY, SUR; STRAIGHT ON TILL YER COMES TER THE MEDDER WHERE STILES' BULL KREP WOT KILLED A
MAN LAST WEEK; GO0 ACROST THEBB THROUGH THE PLANTATION, ON'Y TAKE KEBR OF THE MANTRAPS AN' SPRING GUNS; THEN YER COMBS
TO A FIELD WHERE THEY ARE A-BURNIN' RUBBLE AND SIFTIN' CINDERS; T'OTHER SIDE YBR'LL FIND A RICK-YARD, ON'Y MOIND THE BLOOD-
'OUND WOT'S KEP THEER, 'COS UN' BOITES, THEN YTB'LL SEE YER WAY QUITE EASY."
IF I were a buttercup, Eleanor mine,
And if Eleanor mine were a daisy,
What a life would we lead when the weather was fine ;-
So delightfully loving and lazy !
With our bosoms as glad as the bright sky above
We would bloom till the summer was over:-
But mind I-I should always be jealous, dear love,
When you spoke to the next bit of clover I
Up Guards and at 'em."
ON Saturday, Catherine Sanders, a dissipated-looking female, was
charged with being drunk and disorderly on Tower-hill, she having
annoyed the sentry by catching hold of his tunic and pulling it as he
walked up and down, which of course put the soldier in a Towering
rage. For her defence she said she could not help speaking to the
sentry, for she did love "the dearguards," and as nothing was known
against her she was dismissed with a caution. It has been said that
" violent love hath violent ends," and the case in point bears it out
by this female violently grasping the ends of the soldier's tunic. We
trust she will not let her love for the dear guards get her into
trouble again, but that she will profit by the caution and prenez
AN impudent burglary has been committed at Worcester. The
deanery has been broken into. The very Rev. Dean being in the arms
of Morpheus, the daring thief stole his watch and spectacles ; we are
truly sorry that the rev. gentleman was not on the watch at the time.
The late lamented Mr. Peace, if we remember rightly, was very partial
to spectacles, but we do not believe he ever obtained a real live Dean's
to wear; the Worcester burglar ought indeed to be proud. Let us hope
as he wears them that they will enable him to look at things in a
different light and mend his ways. The Dean says he is a barnacle
on society, and a doosid sight too bibulous, for he drank a bottle of
the good clergyman's best wine before leaving, don't you know.
VNow Ready, the Thirty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-NINTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, 1s. 6d. each.
Also Reading Cases, is. 6d. each,
CHAD IC' TFL ADBURY'S T -
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COTTON~ CH~aW PAUREO-ISOL tuBL.E- z FRSHN Thw nns itnn theh, pos~th free I taMPL wor p;t.tks: In
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phounix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, D ctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, July 2, 1879.
JUI~ 9, 1879.3
"One of the most startling points in the mass of fashionable
gossip is that dressmakers are now putting leaden weights-
technically termed 'dumps'-at the edges and comers of our
waistcoats and at the bacss of our jackets, in order to keep them
down."' "-Daily Paper.
OrFTTIEs it is the minstrel's lot-
Alas for minstrels' luck I-to spot
A form his mood described as squat,
When very grumpy;
He pitied in his poet's heart
Maids that were thick, albeit smart,
And now, forsooth, they say 'tie art
That makes maids "dumpy !
Ah, waltzers whom ambition warms
To clasp a ball-room's sovereign's charms,
Pray test the muscles of your arms
Before you're wedded;
The dance is cheered by flute and fife,
It's harder far to drag through life
A fashion leader found as wife,
A leader-" leaded."
Leaded I-if thus Queen Fashion reigns,
I'd have the modiste called, that deigns
Fit fashion's hoops, load fashion's trains,
A metal plater;
And more, since manly garments take,"
I'd ask her for pure reason's sake,
The while she leads the corners, make
The waistcoats straighter I
A thoroughbred per week she slays,
Her broughams are like brewers' drays,
Because her fairy form outweighs
A prize-ring hero;
Her partner in the cotillon,
Supporting simply half a ton,
Adopts this motto for his own:
Dump spiro spero.
A weighty charge, and yet we frown ;
The charge of shot may keep your gown,
It won't keep other charges down,
Them manhood curses.
We don't believe a flutter hurts
Your grace, as this new code asserts,
But if you metal-line your skirts,
Just think of purses!
THE VANITY OF HUMAN WISHES.
MAry readingg) :-" AND THUS WE SEE THAT HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF."
Tom (wtth animation) :-" OH, DOES IT? I WISH IT DID, AND GEOGRAPHY
AND TABLES AND THE WHOLE LOT, AND SAVE US THE TROUBLE."
Once Bit Twice Shy.
THAT Alabama business has been a salutary lesson to us.- A
torpedo-boat having put into Sheerness harbour, through sheer-
necessity, her machinery being disabled, the discovery was made that
she had just been purchased in England by the Peruvian Government,
at present at war with Chili. Not wanting to get into hot water with
Chili, the Admiralty have very properly detained the boat. The
Peruvians have always been famous for bark, and have proved lately
that they can bite too, but they must buy their fangs elsewhere: perhaps
our dear friends the Russians would let them have a few of those
wonderful cruisers they talked so much about a little while ago.
Lime Juice v. Alcohol.
THE Lancet seems to think that lime-juice will be the drink of the
future. Possibly; but we should like to see the hansom cabby, the
purple-faced 'bus driver, and 92 X splicing the main-brace" with a
glass of lime-juice and water. The favourite pastime of some of these
gentry on their off-days is to go for what they term a two-of-gin
crawl, which means flitting from pub to pub until sufficient moisture
is imbibed. We wonder if the day will ever arrive when they will
indulge in "a two-of-lime-juice crawl."
All for Love.
Ma. LABOUCHERE says that his articles are written for the benefit of
the human race. This reminds us of an American of whom it is written:
S- was a just man and he loved the people, but he said unto
himself, am not I one of the people ? am not I, yea, even number one of
the people ? So he loved himself first and loved the people after him-
WHEN a Scottish chief struck the shield of his opponent, why did he
leave him small excuse for doubting his intentions P-Because he gave
him a braw d'int.
ON THE STAIRS.
You remember, don't smile,,now, the first time we met,
'Twas at Lidy C.'s ball, I had just joined the Rangers;
How we danced all that evening together, and yet
When we parted, 'twas as-well, perhaps not quite as strangers.
When to bed (4 a.m.) I retired, how I tossed
And sleeplessly turned, for I found unawares
That a wound I'd received, and my heart I had lost,
On the stairs.
All that season we met, and I felt day by day
That my love, it was foolish, grew stronger and stronger;
But at last to the East we were ordered away,
And we parted for five years at least-perhaps longer.
Well, I started: yet still your fair presence aye cheered
Me in dangers (of these we had all our full shares),
For your vision I'd see as that night you appeared
On the stairs.
Years passed: but at length ordered home, oh how slow
Seemed the voyage to us all, and how often I wondered
If still you'd remember the old long ago,
Tho' ten weary years had our destinies sundered.
I was changed. Ten years passed neathh a tropical sun,
A short lifetime, not quite free from troubles and cares-
Made me doubt if you'd meet me, as once you had done,
On the stairs!
When we met, you'd a boy, eight years old, by your side,
While two other urchins of smaller degree
Romped round you. Your eyes with surprise opened wide,
And I saw that the love I once thought you'd for me
Was as dead as the roses of last year. And yet
Tho' another'd the wheat and I only the tares,
I ne'er can forget the first time that we met
On the stairs.
VOL. XXX. NO. 739.
FUN'S GUIDE TO LONDON.
BELIN CHAFFS THE FISHWIVES.
ACCORDING to Geoffrey of Monmouth, London was founded by Brute,
a Trojan. Later antiquaries have scouted this legend as absurd; but
we may remark in its tavour that Troy weight is still used in our city,
that my Trojan continues a familiar form of address amongst us,
and that there are many big brutes in the metropolis--whether lineal
descendants of the great Brute aforesaid we will not undertake to
Antiquaries can never agree about anything except that everybody
except themselves is wrong. We are disposed to side with those who
derive London from Llawn, full; and -Dyn, man; i.e., Full Man
Town, most appropriate name for a city one of whose aldermen,
in an epitaph on his wife, has thus recorded his fondness for his
favourite soup :-
My turtle gone,
All joy is gone from me."
The first cloth market in London is traced back to Dunwalla, son
of Cloton, more correctly O'Clo'ton. Dunwalla probably derived his
name from his habit of chalking dead walls with Try our shepherd's
plaid pants, at ", whatever the
price was. Dunwalla, on the site of
,^ W this market, is said to have built a
V r i.^ Temple of Peace- evidently a corrupt
< 'reading for pieces.
His son Belin built Billingsgate,
\ and used it also, frequently leaving
f his palace to cheapen sprats and chaff
f the fishwives. On his death they, by
means of a penny subscription, pur-
chased a brazen urn for his ashes, as
an appropriate memorial of his impu-
The name of King Lud has been
handed down to posterity, not merely
by his vanished gate and the tavern
opposite Cook's Tourist Office, but also by the favourite invocation,
"0, Lud!" A judge upon the Bench, moreover, is addressed as
"m' Lud," in memory of this monarch's seat upon the throne. His
sons forfeited the crown to their uncle-a hitherto united evidence
of the antiquity of pawnbroking.
Tacitus, strange to say, is the first person who speaks of Londinium.
The Romans built London Wall, but not the Greek Church in
it. The Metropolitan Board of Works in King John's reign re-
repaired the wall by a very expeditious mode of assessment. They
pulled down Jews' houses, and paying themselves for their
trouble with the gold they had found within, used the ruins for the
repairs. In Edward the Fourth's reign the City Companies had to
repair London Wall, the Hatmakers probably contributing the tiles.
In John's time, moreover, a ditch was carried round London, of
which an old chronicler, whose works have unfortunately perished,
relates what he is pleased to call "a ryghte merrie geste." A little
wit (and modesty also) seems to have gone a long way in those days.
" Ha I' quoth ye Kyngge, wottyngge
yt ye Maior, witthe quhome he had
wagered, had wagered otherwise with
other folk, forre to save his purse.
' Ha, Mr. Maior! art thou a hedger ?
Thenne, per veros oiuos, shalt thou
be a ditchereke.' And soe the Kyngge '
made ye Maior digge ye dyke round
about his cities "
Where Postern Gates once stood,
there now, in the words of the modern '=7"
Tyrtaeus, "stands a post." In Ed- '
ward the First's reign the Dutch wer ,
ordered to sustain Bishopsgate "-
surely a heavy burden for the poor
foreigners' shoulders. Moorgate, more '
properly More Gate, was so called
because, until they got it, the cramped citizens had not gates enough.
[JULY 9, 1879.
From Cripple Gate the maimed folk who frequented it used to hop
races to Orutched Friars, where they were presented with surgical
appliances. Hence the vulgar saying, Go it, ye cripples, crutches
are cheap." (See "J. Stow refuted," by I. Know. Bk. III., c. 2.)
According to some Aldersgate derives its name from the elders who
used to sit in or on it-probably swinging.
St. Paul's having been burnt down in the reign of William the
Conqueror, the bishop Mauritius, not content with a mere aisle of
Mauritius, determined to build a much larger cathedral; and this
took up so much room that, from William's time down to Stephen's
Londoners who tried to pass from Aldgate to Ludgate were crowded
against the churchyard wall. In the latter reign the jammed citizens
(it is a marvel how they had been preserved so long) burst through the
city wall via Newgate. Of the water gates suffice it to say that
litigation once arose (see Unrecorded Cases) as to whether water gates
could be strictly called landed property.
Some old writers have fancifully likened London to a whale, the
jaw being appropriately found in Westminster and Pall Mall. The
tail is assigned to Limehouse, where London's bobtail may certainly
be met with. Our city, however, is very unlike a whale in the small-
ness of its swallow. Others again have likened it to a carpenter's
rule, but, perhaps, considering the sharp practice for which it is
famous, a chisel would have been the more appropriate simile.
IL.-HOW TO SEE LONDON.
We will not follow the
example of that ingenious
young German gentleman
who spent all his time in
town in taking trips on
the Metropolitan Railway,
h afterwards boasting that
he had been all over Lon-
don, whereas he had only
Been all under it.
On other railways we
will ride at times, getting
glimpses inter alia of
dingy creepers called by
courtesy scarlet runners,
and English maids and
matrons arranging their
back hair in the attic style.
After all, though, this
mode of studying London
may be said to be rather
Scursorily glancing over
Sthe subject than really
going into it.
Let the stranger take
i- a view of the metropolis
3 from the top of the Monu-
ment. Some people may
call him a goose for his pains. If he really is one, of course he can
take bird's-eye views without troubling himself to ascend.
If desirous of obtaining at the same time the most accurate infor-
mation, and witnessing the courtesy which characterises all officials
connected with the vehicular accommodation of London, let him take
an outside seat on a tram-car, and whistle for the conductor to come
up and tell him the names and histories of all the buildings that
successively attract his attention.
Of cabs the sightseer will, of course, select the "show-full."
A certain way to obtain a sight of a police cell is to obtain a seat
in a police van.
For the obscurer localities a costermonger's cart would be an
excellent conveyance, if the stranger do not object to the public
attention which the driver's shouts of "All alive, oh! would cer-
tainly attract to him.
A steamboat is the only boat we advise a stranger to take upon the
Thames; at any rate, if he attempts to row himself it is probable that
he will find his craft and performance pointed at by the ribald
riverside populace as wherry peculiar.
Finally, any one who would thoroughly perform the work of
exploring the metropolis must, at times, "put his foot into it."
And now, reader, wouldest thou so learn thy London, commit thy-
self to our guidance as trustfully as trembling age, bewildered female
maturity, and sportive youth lay hold upon the arm and tunic-tail of the
stalwart guardian of the peace posted at crowded crossing, who with
uplifted hand, godlike, arrests the flow of traffic, and benignly leads
his charges across the muddy bottom of its sundered sea.
To be continued next week : .WALi THE FIR8T, starting from
153, fleet-street, the centre of civilization.
JULY 9, 1879.]
IT is rumoured that the next novelty at the Lyceum will be a revival
of Coriolanus, with Mr. Irving as the noble rum'un. This, however,
cannot take place till next season, as the present plan of alternately
presenting The Bells, The Lyons Mail, Charles I., Lady of Lyons,
Eugene Aram, and Richelieu has proved a great draw. This is not
surprising, for Mr. Irving is a thorough artist.
The new piece at the Folly, Lord Mayor's Day, is described as a
farcical comedy, which is equivalent to saying it is furiously funny:
and so it ought to be with such a truly comic title Mr. Anson and
Madame Dolaro also score heavily in The First Night, the talented
manageress, in her share of the duet, doing more than justice to
Apropos of the recent revival of Charles the First, in which Miss
Ellen Terry plays so splendidly, a critic says, Miss Terry has done
great work hitherto, but she never touched before so true a note of
genuine tragedy." We expect since this lady has been connected with
the Lyceum she has touched many true notes "-from the treasury.
It is noted that the Princess's advertisements of Drink appear in the
omnibuses between those of Messrs. Foster's wines and spirits. We
would suggest to the noble author that this Reade's as if he were
The Vaudeville has accepted a new comedietta, by Mr. Richard Lee,
entitled Home for Home. We are always pleased to chronicle the
acceptance of original plays, as, though we have had many good trans-
lations from the French, we believe in patronising Home productions.
t. From a theatrical point of view. the temperance question seems to
answer. The Olympic will produce The Worship of Bacchus on the
21st. We suppose it is called the Worship of Bacchus because
drunkards are generally idol vagabonds. '
Notwithstanding that Mr. Sam Emery is prospering in Australia, it
is found necessary to get up a performance for his wife, which will
take place at the Olympic on the 12th. We trust it will be successful,
for if the husband be making money it is only right that the wife
It is said that the Haymarket Theatre, after being entirely re-
modelled and re-decorated, will be leased to Mr. Bancroft for eight
months in the year, Mr. J. S. Clarke being the responsible manager
for the remaining four months. We suppose the opening piece will be
Two heads are better than one.
The Princess of Trebizonde will ere long be produced at the Alhambra,
with Mr. Charles Collette as the Showman. It ought to be a great
success, for the Alhambra is just the house for a show piece.
Honour to Whom Honour is Due.
IT can be truly said of Messrs. John Brinsmead and Sons that the
manufacture of the piano is their forte, for, not only have they received
the gold medal (1'Academie Nationale), and the silver medal, but the
founder of the firm has been created Chevalier of the Legion of
Honour. We cannot agree, however, with the statement, "this
being the highest award to any British manufacturer," as there can
be no doubt that honourable mention" at our hands would take
precedence of those whose name is Legion. Still, we are not the
least offended, and will give the firm their (Brins)mead of praise,
for we consider they have been instrumental in giving to all their
instruments a grand tone.
A Colourable Incident.
A cuRIous incident occurred at Kilburn, in connection with Mr.
Willis's prize bull, in class 58-Vice-Admiral by name. This animal,
whilst being judged, had 1o pass over some paving stones laid down
on a portion of the ground. Strange to say, it commenced to
vigorously pound one of them with its fore hoof. "Ah !" said a
nautical spectator, "that bull evidently knows that he is a Vice-
Admiral,' for see how he is striking his flag' !"
The Fool's Fete.
THE summer fete of the Earlswood Asylum for Idiots will take place
on Tuesday, July 22. We understand that a large number of Justices
of the Peace and several eminent art critics will be present this year.
THE GONDOLIER'S LAMENT.
FAREWELL my trim-built wherry,
My own canal, farewell!
Each landing-place and ferry
Is doomed, the papers tell;
A speculative notion
Some folks would act upon--
And barring out the ocean,
My occupation's gone!
No more shall we espouse thee,
My city's lovely bride;
No more our plashing rouse thee
As onwardly we glide.
A company is going-
Where once the water flowed-
To supersede our rowing,
And build an iron road.
The metal tracks are running,
At present, far and near,
Not even deserts shunning,
Or mountain summits drear.
Above the sea, in my land
A railway they project,
A continent and island,
Abroad, they would connect.
Adieu! my bride, for ever;
The railway I detest
Will doubtless soon endeavour
To tear me from thy breast;
Then naught but at a station,
By striving very hard,
To get a situation
As porter or a guard 1
Britons, Strike Home."
THE nailmakers in the East Worcestershire and South
Staffordshire districts have given 14 days' notice that
unless their employers give them an advance of 20 per
cent. they will all strike. Hitherto we have agreed
with the motto, "Hit the right nail on the head," but,
after this, to hit the nailmaker on the head would be
Is it possible for a short man to lie long in bed ?
.1a.d-up Swell (to ditto) :-" B r JovP, FWED, WHAT 7HAPPY FELLOWS THOSE
ZULU8 MU8TaBE ; they've NO TAILORS' BILLS TO WORRY THIM."
[JULY 9, 1879.
And got his daughter to read it to him. "A most excellently written and
improving work-most enjoyable I" he said.
"-- $- ~ZA- -
-^:'-'- <^ ?- ---.-
Ani there was another Book-Fancier who was jealous of the first one's possession
of that valuable work, and peeped in and saw his enjoyment,
Ihen he burt in npc n him, ard confidentially aFsured him that the volume was not a GENuINE IEST EDITION; and the first Book-Fanoier beat his breast, and
asked his daughter how the dared read such illiterate trash to HIM. For mutiness and f's for a's are literature; and good type and white paper
are an abomination unto them that know.
FTJN.-NJULY 9, 1879.
"HOME THEY BROUGHT HER WARRIOR, DEAD."'-TamNxrsoN.
JULY 9, 1879.]
.NOTES-AT THE ROYAL AGRICULTURAL SHOW.
~"> '2K K II4-
Aunt Betsy gets caught in a storm. The "Favourite" going through her paces. A good show of "he-haws" this year. The Happy Proprietor and family.
SONGS OF SURPRISE.
THE AUTHOR -WHO BORE UP.
THn folks who employ their limited leases
Of earthly existence for the greatest good
Are the virtuous writers of moral pieces
As I think it is generally understood) ;
And the ardent admiration of the world increases
Every day for the bro-ther-hood.
But the quality of theirs which is most abounding-
The quality with which they are strangely imbued-
Is their very meritorious and most astounding
Allowance of Christian fortitude;
Which amply secures them that desirable surrounding-
A happy resignation, ever unsubdued.
De Crespigny Wilkins was a moral play-writer
Possessing this advantage in a liberal share,
A laudably invincible and resolute fighter
Of puny discouragement and weak despair;
And his heart beneath adversity was probably lighter
Than the hearts of many people whose horizon's fair :
He admitted that his object when commencing on his mission,
To struggle as a dramatist up life's rude hill,
Was wholly unconnected with a lucrative position
Or the plaudits of the thoughtless (which the wise hold nil),
But was simply the improvement of the moral condition
Of the weak ones, Hennery, and James, and Bill.
For Hennery-a youth who was most unthinking-
Exhibited a dangerous proclivity for pipes;
While James was reprehensibly given to drinking
Whole glasses of a liquor he described as swipes,"
And Bill was known to wager whole shillings like winking :
So the three were becoming most degraded types I
So the dramatist, aiming to study the traces
Imprest on its votaries by Vice's touch,
Commenced an attendance at dissolute places
Where people sate the appetite for drink and such;
And for years he was studying such disgraces,
And he certainly enjoyed himself extremely much.
He collected all details which shock and appal so,
Which boast of the slightest connection with vice,
And strayed from his subject to collocate also
Extraneous incidents that were not nice:
To harrow (not pleasure) the pit and the stall so,
And dished up the mixture with a dash of spice.
Then he summoned those three on temptation's borders-
Those James, Bill, and Hennery, to see that play-
But he strangely omitted to provide them orders
(An evident oversight), but made them pay;
But James, and Bill, and Hennery (willing afforders
Of a florin'sworth of revelry) went, did they.
And the first act flaggelated those unthinking
Transgressors who bow themselves to pipes of clay;
And Act No. 2 was levelled at drinking,
And lashed at the bibulous as if to slay ;
And the third crushed betting with fist unshrinking-
And the whole was unpleasant in the painfullest way.
But the three poor weak ones, instead of beginning
To beat their breasts with remorseful screech,
Were shamelessly obtuse enough to sit there grinning,
And callously enjoying it, all and each,
Completely unaware that the yarn then spinning
Was intended, NOT to amuse, but TBAcHJ
And what was worse, there was Hennery nursing
And polishing fondly his favourite clay,
While the dissolute James was engaged reversing
A flask of something which made him gay;
And Bill whole shillings kept on disbursing
In bets on the next event in the play I
And each of 'em went to his separate dwelling,
When the hour was come when the folks disperse,
And none of all three gave a thought to quelling
His particular failing (and of course his curse);
And-([I know it's a harrowing thing I'm telling)-
Not one of the three's either better or worse!
And now comes that which is so surprising-
(And to gently surprise is the poet's game)-
That author, although he succeeded in rising,
By means of that piece, to a place of fame,
And managers shrank from advertising
Unless the posters contained his name;
That author, though praise grew immensely abounding
Whenever his name met the people's sights,
And his wealth (the reward of success) got astounding,
As each of his pieces ran a million nights;
As he artfully amused, for the sake of confounding,
Those parties who were vicious in their ap-pe-tites.
That author, though the populace were not a bit better,
In the course of years, for his virtuous plays
Didn't pine into skin like a cowardly fretter,
Nor yet break the heart of him and end his days ;
But like an example-of-fortitude-setter,
Bore up against his affluence, and went his ways!
A LOVE IDYL.
t.-) But I couldn't my love declare,
Ever mute was my tongue when she came in
And naught could I do but stare.
Oh, I loved my love with a love so deep,
But I couldn't my love confess,
And a death-like silence before her I'd keep,
IFor I couldn't my love address.
Oh, I loved my love with a love so strong,
But ne'er asked her my joys to crown-
I think she was tired of waiting so long,
For she married a Mister Brown.
WHEa a notorious bad character is played out of the army to the
tune of the .Rog's Mareh, may he be said to have adjourned or to have
A REASON WHY.
First little Girl:-" I LOIrE THE CHURCH."
Second dtto :-" I DON'T! I LIKE THE METHODISTS : FOR IF YOU GO TO
THEIR SCHOOL TWICE ON SUNDAYS THEY GIVE 1OU A HALFPENNY."
MY SO ELY MISLED PATRONS,-My editor says I didn't go to
Henley (I noticed his nasty remarks, although he did crowd them away
at the bottom of the page and print them in small type). That I did
go is clearly shown by my diary of the trip, which is printed
below as a proof-by which I mean a corroboration, and not a
compositor's first pull." As for my fall account," I will send it
to him with pleasure, but it is too much to hope that he will have the
generosity to discharge it.
DETAILED DIARY or MY HENLEY TRIP.
Saturday, June 21st.-Reach Putney. Raining heavily. Packed
traps (including weather-forecasting apparatus, which I intend using
every morning) on board canoe; paddled to Hammersmith Bridge.
Kitten getting damp. Reached Teddington Lock without accident or
cessation of rain. Kitten getting uneasy, shakes her head and swears
at the drops. Stream something awful above lock. Boy offers to tow
me to Moulsey for eighteenpence. Offer him a shilling. He agrees;
tows me to Kingston Bridge. While he crosses bridge to towpath I
paddle up to the Sun" ; land, and make my tea in summer-house
on lawn (this seems cheek," but is quite the custom, even with more
respectable parties than the old man). Boy waiting for me when I
come out; he wants extra shilling for waiting in rain. I refuse, and
make him fasten tow-rope to boat himself. He continues journey in
silence. Kitten very draggled and miserable. Opposite Water-works
tow-rope suddenly slips from pole and glides away up path; boat
rushes down-stream. I shout. Just make out boy in distance coiling
up rope and putting thumb to his nose. What a fool I was not to give
him that other shilling Before I can get out paddle am at Kingston
Bridge. Takes four hours' awful tug to reach Ditton. Presently I come,
in dark, to rather high-lying island of small dimensions. Land, and
pitch tent; grass long and dank; ground squashy. Spread damp
sheet (ominous name 1) and make all snug. Miss the kitten. Search,
lantern in hand. Discover her swimming about in river; she "mews,"
and tries to avoid being taken out. Seems to think it drier under
THE LAST RETURN.
WE stand where, four short months ago
(Four little months-to think how few !),
With eager courage all aglow,
He waved to us his last adieu.
"His last adieu!" And can it be?
That gallant lad I Ay, here we stand,
While o'er the melancholy sea
They bring his sad remains to land.
Yet, weep him not; although there starts
The tear that mother's grief must stir-
A hundred sad like-tortured hearts
Go out in sympathy to her-
Yet, weep Aim not; a youth in age,
He falls, a stranger to disgrace-
His life a fair, unsullied page-
His death the noblest of his race.
He might have lived! Ay, lived to earn
Contamination faction brings;
He might have lived I! Ay, lived to learn
The thousand cares that wait on kings.
'Tie better so. He lies, soul-white,
With tender Love for fun'ral pall-
For Rank is good, and Power and Might,
But Love and Truth are best of all!
THE members of the Aeronautical Society held a meet-
ing on Monday, to discuss and read papers on The
Problem of Flight." We shall, however, give no report
of their proceedings, for we consider the tendency of the
present age is already too flighty.
News, indeed I
A coNTIMPORARY states as an item of news that Mr.
Gladstone has written a letter on the subject of Dis-
establishment." If the paper would inform us of a
subject cn which the ex-Premier has not written we
think that that would indeed be news.
A Farmner's Advice.
DON'T give your neighbours chaff. It may lead
to a mill, and then you will not say it does not make
a grain of odds.
water than above it. Take her in and dry her. Turn in and try to
sleep. Rains all night.
Sunday, 22nd.-(Weather forecast*: Rain, continuous showers,
turning to wet.) Shan't go any further to-day. Rest. Someone
shouting from bank; think he's asking the time. Tell him I have
no watch. Shouts again. I hear him this time. Says I must get
out of this"; no camping allowed I Ask him if to-morrow won't do.
He says, No, it won't," and I'm to look sharp ; he can't stand there
all day getting wet. I tell him this is a free country, and explain that
he can if he likes. He gets abusive, and tells me to sheer off before
he makes me. I point out that I can't, as he is already making me.
He gets more abusive, and threatens law. I pack, and sheer off."
The stream is frightful. I make about a yard in ten minutes; sight
Moulsey Lock in about two hours. Anchor, and lunch. Just as I
finish, discover boat has broken loose, and I am half-way back to
Ditton. Four hours more brings me up to lock. Anchor, and tea. Boat
breaks loose again. Three more hours to get back to same place.
Anchor, and dine. Getting dark. Boat breaks loose again! Find
myself at same island! Land, and camp. Kitten wet through; wring
her out, spread wet sheet and turn in." Rains all night.
Monday, 23rd. (W.F.-Hail, sleet, and thunderstorms-damp.)
Turn out at 6 a.m. Just starting, when party on bank re-appears.
Seems annoyed at finding me here. Dances with rage and uses bad
language. I laugh and put off. Stream worse than ever. Reach
Moulsey Lock about 10 a.m. Stream worse above Sunbury Lock-
can hardly move in Reach. Reach Sunbury Island at 6 30 p.m.
They want half-a-crown to let me camp. Won't pay, and resolve to
sleep in boat. Sup, and lie down. Kitten been under tent all day, so
quite dry. Fall asleep, dream I am a babe again and rocking in my
cradle; wake with tremendous bump-sit up and rub my eyes. Boat
broken loose again!!! Going down stream with awful velocity-
just shot Moulsey Weir! Another two minutes am back at that
island I Land and camp. Spread saturated sheet and "turn in."
Rains all night.
Forecaits turned cut invariably correct.-T.
[JULY 9, 1879.
JULY 9, 1879.] FU N 19
Tuesday, 24th.-(W.F.-Rain and snow, probably turn to showery
and damp.) Party on bank appears again. He is purple with rage-
Shrieks and stamps. Says I'm the third blackguard he's ordered off
since Sunday, and he won't stand it any longer. Goes off, swearing
horribly, to fetch spring guns. I start. Stream worse than ever, I
should say. Reach Moulsey Lock in course of time. Compassionate
launch tows me to Penton Hook. Paddle up a bit, looking for
camping-ground. Tow-path under water, don't know which side it
lies. Chance it; land and camp. Spread soaked sheet aid turn in.
Kitten dry as before. Wake in middle of night with tent falling on
me. Struggle out. Find I've camped on tow-path side; night barge-
horse, passing behind tent, has pulled it down with tow-rope It is
still raining. Re-pitch in adjacent field. Bull, already in possession.
I call him names. He pitches me into next field, and sends tent, &c.,
after me. Field being corn, and well soaked with rain, I fall soft.
Re-erect tent, turn in, and sleep. Rains all night.
Wednesday, 25th -(W.F.-Sleet-hail--rain.) Wake early. Find
I've sunk several feet in earth. Must be off at once, got some twenty-
five miles to do to-day. Besides, owner of field might come and
complain of damage (don't mind his complaining, but he might want
me to pay I). Very hard work to get to Bell Weir Lock. In look
meet another fellow travelling alone. Strike bargain to attach my canoe
to his boat and tow and steer boat an hour each in turns. I suggest
his having first tow. He doesn't see it. I take my turn. Sight
Datchet as my time is up. My companion thinks I'd better go on to
next lock (2 miles off) then he'll tow to Bray-" give me a longer
rest, Iknow." Don't half like it, but he says the bargain's off if I
don't. In WindsorLock companion falls in with some" pals in launch,
they agree to tow us the rest of the way. Feel I've been cheated, but
it might have been worse. Reach Henley. Land, and camp. Spread
soppy-pulpy sheet and turn in. Kitten got a cold. Rains all night.
Thursday, 26th.-(W.F.-Rain and gales). First day of the races
(for details see daily papers). Too wet to go out. Saw some of the
races pass. Didn't care. Wrote
TiP or LIVERPOOL CoUP.
Will Glendale go and win ?
Is Lartington in front ?
Or will The Mandarin
Be first of all the hunt ?
However it may be
Shillelagh hits the mark,
New Laund, it seems to me,
Is scarcely in the dark.
Friday, 27th.-(W.F.--Thunder andlightning-earthquakes-snow.)
Last day of races (see dailies as before). Took a look round. Great
prevalence of "Maudlin" colours among ladies in shape of red parasols.
General aspect of dampness. Everybody looking as if they would
take a long time to dry. Left early, must be in town to-night ready
for L.A.C. Summer Meeting to-morrow. Packed and launched canoe.
River very high and rapid in consequence of incessant rain. All
looks covered (! !). Back to Teddington Lock in 20 minutes. Putney
in another three hours. Home and drinks.
Saturday, 28th.-L.A.C. meeting at Stamford Bridge. Glorious
day. Crowds of people. Capital programme. Performances good,
Nott-Bower's, and Wood's neat high-jumping, Lockton's long jump,
and Cortis's bicycle-riding worthy of note. Band first-class.
P.S.-Who sent you Clearhead for the NOHrNUMBanLANDt PLATE ?
P.S. 2.-Who but the gifted old man.
OUR EXTRA SPECIAL AT THE KILBURN SHOW.
WELL, sir, I have had what I may call an Agricultural-rural-
lural-lay sort of a week, and have become so intensely rusticated
that chancing to meet a rural dean of my acquaintance yesterday, I
asked him quite innocently if he could tell me a good bu-colict"
to use at a Harvest Thanksgiving service.
More than this, I cowed" my landlord last week when he called
for the midsummer rent, and I have been thinking it out whether it
would be well for chiropodists to return to the old Jewish method of
treatment and send each of their patients to Copenhagen Fields to have
his or her corn trodden out by unmuzzled oxen, a plan still adopted
in the Holy Land, I believe.
I mention these things as an indirect proof of the way I identified
myself with the Kilburn Show. As a matter of fact, I have almost
lived there since last Wednesday week, when my Extra Special"
.help was eagerly accepted and I put my shoulder to the wheel-to a
great many wheels in sooth-which had come to woe in the mud.
Thanks to the heavy rains, you know, the yard was like a Slough of
Despond. However, as I playfully told Mr. Jenkins, the excellent
Secretary of the Royal," Slough and Sure is my family motto,
and the muddy muddle all around me only served to arouse my energies.
Strange to say, the Committee in this time of extremity sent us in
cart-loads of sleepers, and just when we wanted everyone to be
particularly wide awake. If they don't look out," said I, when I
heard these "sleepers" were lying about the yard in all directions,
"we shall run over them."
That's just what we want every one to do," replied Mr. Jacob
Wilson, the Steward of General Arrangements, with a smile, and he
was right, for in the end, thanks to these sleepers as well as to us
"wideawake-ers," thewhole of the mud-"m ire-abil (mirabile) dictu"
-was got rid of; and an Irish herdsman, who had shed tears, on arriving,
to find his native bog at Kilburn, made a formal complaint to the Council
on account of its rapid disappearance. On Sunday, as you have heard,
sir, the Prince and Princess of Wales, with their daughters, came in two
" brough'ms," which swept very clean, to attend service in a large tent
in the yard, with the herdsmen, grooms, shepherds, &c. All the men
were very orderly and tidy, especially the neat "-herds. Dean
Stanley preached a good sermon, devoid of anything like "deanuncia-
tions." He was so quiet, indeed, that we had sleepers within as well
as without the tent. The Irish herdsman, I noticed particularly,
slept soundly. Use is to him second nature, I suppose, and evidently
in the absence of the mourners and some whisky he found it impossible
to keep "a-wake."
After service the Royal party lunched in the Princes' Pavilion, and
I had the honour of making an execrable joke at the Royal command.
" What vegetables would be the most appropriate here F His Royal
Highness had asked me, having heard I represented your journal, sir,
as I busied myself with my usual artistic taste among the plates.
Why Show-floors au gratin," I replied, without a moment's hesita-
tion, and I shall not soon forget the merry and silvery tone of the
Princess's laugh, as she explained to her little girls that the funny
man meant Chouex-fleurs au gratin."
But we had a second visit from the Royal pair the next day, and as
the Prince was coming up to perform the opening ceremony he came
in an open carriage. The Lord Mayor had arrived previously in state
-had the Show been held a week earlier it must inevitably have been
in a muddy state that he would have arrived-and the judges, in mufti,
were hard at it by nine o'clock.
I objected, by-the-way, to one of the cattle judges, Mr. Crane by
name, for, said I, a Crane in judging oxen and cows will probably go
in for neck or nothing." The Prince, I may tell you, was much in-
terested with the show of railway waggons, made specially for the
carriage of meat for long distances. (" 1 should not like to have a
waggon for my carriage," I said; but no matter). The waggons in
question, packed full of joints and dead birds, had been up to the north
of Scotland and back-so far north in fact that I said the fowls
must have gone "high" enough to become game"; on which
H.R.H., with ready wit, exclaimed, Hullo, someone's turned another
Every foot and inch in the Yard was full of interest, and the in-
terminable tiers of sheds so overcame a Zummerzet farmer that he
shed tears. The Council asked me to preside at a chaff-cutter in action,
but I declined the honour, and took up my post instead by a large
turnip-cutter, in hope that the Crown Prince of Sweden would pay the
Show a visit. Had he come I should have called out, "This is
dangerous for Swedes,' as I know H.R.H. is near-sighted.
I am very sorry to say that owing to the rain the Queen's intended
visit on Tuesday had to bs put off until Saturday. It was true we
had a prince's ox and a prince's horse in the show, but alas there
was no Queen's wether" there, at any rate not on the second day,
and the rain had anything but the beneficial effects upon the ground
that Her Majesty's reign has on our land generally.
We had several Royal visitors on Wednesday, however, and when-
ever the sun shone out the turnstiles clicked right merrily. Indeed, to
the imaginative mind, as I told the indefatigable secretary, the sound
was strangely suggestive of Clio-quot !
Only one more word, and that about one of the awards. The 1st
prize (50) for Shorthorns was given to Lord Rathdonnell's bull
named "Anchor." Now, surely, sir, "Anchor" must have won this
more by a fluke than anything else.
But it was a great Show all the same, and I hope it will prove a
" Royal" road to much profit.
[Ju.Lr 9, 1879.]
MALL THE DIFFERENCE.
First Toper:-" LA BLESS TER, MANY' THE TIMr I'VE DRUNK A GALLON OF BBeR OF A HB2VNING WITHOUT ASSISTANCB."
BSeond Toper :-" AH, I COULDN'T DO THAT NOT WITHOUT AsSITANCB-THB NASSISTANCB OF A BOTTLE OF BPEBnETS."
A CRITICAL EXPERIMENT.
IT was rash-but when her beloved Edwin proposed to the fair
Angelina that they should unite their fates in one common lot, she,
though as a rule averse to mixing in a common lot," let affection
overcome discretion, and became his blushing bride.-Rash-because
Edwin's screw," to quote his own words, was cruel," and their
only annual increase" was in olive branches. Rash-because though
love may live on "bread and cheese and kisses," matrimony finds
such fare hard cheese indeed.
Edwin's hobby was chemistry, and its exercise had gained him a
local reputation, although it had exposed him, in common with all dis-
coverers, to distrust and persecution. The unenthusiastic neighbours,
so far from encouraging his efforts, declaimed against them and
evinced no interest, save a suspicious one, in his experiments, forgetting
the interests of science in vulgar, selfish anger at the destruction of
their roofs, chimneys, and windows by the slight explosions occasion-
ally occurring at Edwin's house.
"Angelina I" Edwin exclaimed, one evening, "at last I have
discovered how we can make our fortunes. No, madam I! it is not by
turning chalk into gold-I must leave that chemical problem, for the
present, to my friend Simpson the dairyman. Listen, Angelina
A certain Signor Rotura has anticipated me in an elixir, which when
injected into the blood will suspend animation, leaving the subject to
all appearance lifeless. He has also found out the antidote. Now,
Rotura proposes making a fortune by "suspending" cattle for
SDIT ALL er
H iANDS. Per
0 0 2/6. A T1W88
PATTERNS, Uo IftT& WILL SA IT ALL WOM
Sold by all Stationers; Inld..1s.. and Gross Boxes. Send 7 stamp for an
assortd samplftbox to John He!tth, 70. Geore.satreet. Hirminjharn.
Sole Wbol.slo Londoa Areuta-N. J. POWVLL & Co.. 101. WVhiteekapelX.
exportation from Australia. I say; hang cattle! I know a better
dodge. Here are two phials. As soon as possible I shall insure my
life for ten thousand pounds, and then inject into my veins the
"suspending" mixture; you must bury me and obtain the policy
moneys; a month afterwards secretly disinter your Edwin, administer
the revivor," and we will seek happiness in other climes !"
After passing a medical examination, &c., Edwin paid his premium,
took his policy home, made his will, and to all appearance expired. A
month afterwards, his seeming disconsolate widow forgot all about the
antidote, and was once again led to the altar!
How can She be Hebe P
AMONGST the horses at the Kilburn Show Mr. R. Garret took the
1st prize of 50 for Suffolk stallions with his Cupbearer." Ah I "
exclaimed a yokel, on seeing the usual prize ticket attached, He-be
the prize horse, then,! He little knew what classical nonsense he was
A MorTO FOR SOLDInRS.-It is not infra dig to use the spade !
Now Ready, the Thirty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-NINTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each,
CA UTION.-If Cse, thicems i te eaSp it proes tke additie aefstareA.
Wr "I x I-
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, July 9, 1879.
JULY 16, 1879.] I' UN. 21
"THEM STOOPID COCKNEY 'ABITS."
Mrs. tgubbs:-" SEE, MISSiE, I BE A-DRAWIN' SOME WATER FOR TOUR BATH."
Little Minis :-"Do YOU DRAW THE WATER FOR YOUR BATH OUT OF THE SAME WELL, MRS. STVBBSP"
Mrs. 8tubbs:-" LAWK, MISSIB, NO; I BE A MATTER OF FIFTY YEAR OLD, AN' I NEVER YET HEEaED TELL ON ONYBODY 'AVIN' A BATH
IN THESE PARTS, 'CEPT WHEN YOU LUNNON GENTRY COMES DOWN."
RUMOUR has it that Old Drury will shortly be re-opened for
promenade concerts. We are not surprised, for after such a signal
breakdown it is only natural to go in for a walk round."
Great expectations are indulged in with reference to the new
burlesque for the Folly, by Messrs. Savile Clarke and Clifton,
entitled Drink TIsthout a Reade, in which Mr. Anson will go into fits
of D.T., and the audience into fits of laughter. There is no doubt he
will be a fitting representative for this Reade-uotio ad absurdum.
Mrs. Bateman will open Sadler's Wells Theatre, which has been
entirely redecorated and remodelled, on the 20th September, with Rob
Roy, magnifieently mounted." We have never previously heard of Rob
.Roy being played on horseback. We trust the fair manageress will be
Mr. Irving's season at the Lyceum will terminate on the 26th inst.,
after which the theatre will be occupied by Miss Genevieve Ward,
who will produce a new play by Messrs. Palgrave Simpson and Claude
Templar, in which she will sustain two characters. This is good
news, as under these circumstances it cannot be a one-part"
Miss Lydia Foote now plays Amy Robsart at the Adelphi with
enormous success, it being said of this creation that it is one of the
tenderest, most refined, and graceful performances now to be seen upon
the London stage. We quite agree with this encomium, for we have
ever had the highest opinion of Miss Foote's Amy ability.
Mr. Charles Collette is now appearing with his patter entertain-
ment at the music-halls, and considering that he has been engaged at
the best London theatres, we might say, What a falling-off was
there;" but there has not been any falling off-in the audiences at the
It is stated that Mr. H. J. Byron has done a new comedietta for
Mr. Southern, which will be produced in America." We hope there is
nothing of the done dreary about it.
Mr. John Hare will take his first benefit at the Court Theatre on
the 19th inst., the last night of his management. The doubtless
crowded state of the house on that occasion will be suggestive of the
hare and many friends.
Previous to her departure for America, Miss Neilson will appear at
the Haymarket in Shakespeare, commencing on the 21st inst. with
Romeo and Juliet. With regard to her going away, why is this Juliet
so much given to Roam Heigho !
THE SONG OF THE SOAKED.
An American meteorologist predicts that there will be no settled summer
weather in England until 18.5.
OH Transatlantic seer, be still!
Cease thus our patience trying;
We never had such weather till
You started prophesying.
To bear our saturated state
Till next year we'll contrive,
But how can we contented wait
Till eighteen-eighty-five ?
We've sported ulsters in July,
And sealskin summer suit "-ed
Upon our holidays we hie,
With spirits much diluted.
If we could hope wouldd soon be past,
To live in hope we'd strive,
But now you tell us this will last-
Well! if it lingers to that date,
The settled summer weather"
Will find us all resigned to fate
And settled altogether.
On London Bridge New Zealand youths
May sit (if they can dive)
And ponder o'er Macaulay's truths
VOL. XXX. No. 740.
fJULY 16, 1879.
FUN'S GUIDE TO LONDON.
III.-WALK THE FIRST.
LET us set forth from ipnuaXbs 7rs -ys, the centre of civilization, 153,
Fleet-street. The old writer who likened London to a laurel-leaf
must surely have prophetically confounded the whole with its part,
-than which, whatever Euclid may say, it is less,-to wit the fame-
wreathed Fuo office.
A few other prints- of an ephemeral character-have their offices
in and about Fleet-street. It takes its name from the Fleet Ditch or
river, on which fishing boats once floated; and monster crabs may
still be met with in the street, the hugest quoting Scripture. In the
Ditch, now turned into a sewer, there is, according to tradition, a
breed of wild swine. In corroboration of this we may mention that we
have ourselves seen part of an old hogshead in sewer mud. At one
time houses on the banks of this stream humni out boards inscribed
Marriages performed within," just as elsewhere we read "Hot water
SI FlE F i, I
The removal of Temple Bar suggests a difficulty which has not been
sufficiently considered-How in future can students-at-law be called
to the bar P In days gone by many men of wit, alas! used to go to the
Devil, a vanished tavern which derived its name from its bad spirits.
Where Shire Line ran on the other side of the road the New Courts of
Justice have made a sheer sweep, covering the spot where fine gentle-
men assembled to eat mutton pies got from Katt, the Kit-Kat club.
With a slight alteration in the spelling of the name of the provider,
and the rank of the consumers, the custom is said to be still kept up
in other parts of the metropolis.
Fleet-street is famed for its taverns The Mitre lifts itself up
on high because Johnson and Boozewell drank bishop there. Dr.
Johnson's tries to appropriate the lexicographer bodily, the Rainbow
is a stout house still, and to say nothing of others, the Cheshire con-
siders itself emphatically "the cheese." In some of these places of
physical refreshment the stranger may obtain intellectual entertainment I
also,-hear the affairs of the nation discussed over steaming tumblers
with a scathing energy compared with which the eloquence of St.
Stephen's is as water unto wine, or rather grog. If his brain whirls,
let him go and get his hair cut at Cardinal Wolsey's Palace-meet
rendezvous for shavelings ; and if he has in fact been pooh-poohed in
a first attempt at oratory, let him calm himself with a cooling
The Templars ars are. as the reader doubtless is aware, a religious body,
pledged amongst other things to humility. This virtue still flourishes
in the Temple, especially amongst the junior dclerici. The neighbour-
ing Alsatia, once tenanted by drunken rogues, has now became the
head-quarters of, says a ribald libel, their natural Euccessors, the
Serjeants' Inn is so-called because there are no Serjeants in it.
Serjeants Out has been suggested, by prosy persons devoid of humour,
as a more appropriate name. Clifford's Inn is not, as we have known
some of our country friends suppose it to be, a place of public enter-
tainment like Haxell's Hotel. Opposite the Inner Temple Gate the
Great Fire of London stopped. Accordingly the Crown Insurance
Office has been established there, as being probably a safe locality.
The office's business is not confined to Regalia. "There were giants
in those days," quote the big crabs on the otht:r side of the street.
They are referring, with a confusion of tense, to themselves, but what
they say applies more accurately to St. Dunstan's Church. Its giants
have struck striking in the City, and taken a villa in Regents a Park.
In Crane Court the Royal Society used to hold its meetings. It was
there the Merry Monarch puzzled the members with his vile cockney
conundrum-" Why is this place like a captured bird F "-answering,
when they had given it up, Because it is a Crane Caught."
"Brides' Church," says a rare MS. penes nos, "was so-called for
this cause, videlicet, that, ef the couples to be married there, the
grooms did never come;" not having found any confirmation of this
statement in any other authority, we give it for simply what it
Many famous men's names are associated with Fleet-street. Omitting
those connected with No. 153, as too numerous to mention, we may
give in the second place Cowley, Ben Jonson, Milton, Steele,
Addison, Congreve, Swift, Oliver Goldsmith, and his big friend;
Izaak Walton angled for customers at the bottom of Chancery-lane,
and Richardson for flattery in his Salisbury-court. Dryden lived in
Fetter-lane, in a house, doubtless, which did not justify him in adding
of that ilk" to his name. More abstemious Praise God Barebones
was a tenant of the lane, in his time called Feuters', or idle folks' lane,
because idle folk used to lie down in it on their way to gardens. It is
still possible to get to gardens-Baldwin's Gardens-evd Fetter-lane,
but few persons, however lazy, would be tempted to lie down in it now
for a stretch, although it is within the precinct of the Rolls. .,
(To be continued.)
A POSITION OF POWER.
WLL, but, James," I said to him seriously; even if you gave
your mind to it, and under the most favourable circumstances com-
patible with the present state of affairs, it seems to me that to become
Supreme Autocratic Dictator of the British Empire would be an act
of no inconsiderable difficulty ?"
James was a very quiet, self-contained man. He said: "There
are difficulties about everything, of course; I shall not mind the
But," I said, crossing myself, "I'm afraid there would be some-
thing revolutionary in it, or. at the least, unconstitutional, would
there not ? Her Majesty the Queen would not like it, would she P"
I should not think of taking the step without Her Majesty's con-
sent," he said, loyally.
But by what means do you propose to attain this remarkable end ?"
"By means principally of artillery, and so forth," he replied.
"What!" I screamed, opening the window to call a policeman to
whom to give him in charge.
Always with the full consent of Her Majesty, the two Houses of
Parliament, and the British People," he said, re-assuring me. To
me his words seemed a gross contradiction; to me, indeed, the
attempt which he had resolved on appeared as the act of one insane.
I shall just go and order some notepaper with an autocratic crest
on, and some suitable visiting cards," he said, as he left me that day.
There was an acquaintance of mine, a marvellous mechanical genius,
who could invent anything whatever in any way, hut never would
invent anything which would bring him in a penny. He wore prin-
cipally rags, and lived in a cellar among rats (who left in disgust after
a period, in consequence of his not taking meals; for they had ex-
pected that, at least, of him, although they knew he was an inventor),
and all day every day he sat and invented machines to peel a new sort
of vegetable not yet known on this earth, and poisons which were
harmless to fleas but fatal to dogs and all other domestic animals,
and a method of boiling water at twice the present cost, and an in-
genious little contrivance for splitting new kid gloves up the palm,
and another for losing shillings down sinks without removing the
His genius for invention was supernatural-not of this world-more
than human; and him one day James (the man named above, with
the insane intention) caught and took to a place of concealment,
locking him in securely and feeding him a little at times.
Then James bought a great factory and turned on William (the
inventing genius) to invent.
A little after this James knocked up the Government at three in
"I should like you to come with me at once, if you would," said
James to It. The Government began an indignant, a haughty, a
scoffing and scathing speech (It had heard it that night from an Irish
member); but there was a meaning in the manner of James, as he
turned on his heel and said, "Very good; perhaps some other
"Stop, I'll come !" cried the Government; and they went to James's
factory. "Now, the Russian Government has expressed admiration
for these four patent thousand-ton guns of mine," said James.
" These four could? sink the entire British navy, but I shouldn't like to
see that done. Yet those Russians are very wicked and reckless, and
in case of a war-"
"'You can send round those four to my place at your own price,"
said the Government uneasily ; and the four guns were sent round.
Next time James knocked up the Government it looked piteously
JULY 16, 1879.]
up into his face, huddled on its clothes, and came with him at
This is a machine for blowing up the European seas," James
explained, showing how it worked. The Russian Government has
How much ?" asked the Government.
"Well- say some Dukedoms, and the price of-of a Zula War."
The Government winced at the latter demand; but the machine was
sent round that afternoon.
Well, old fellow," said James the next time he dropped in upon
me at my lodgings; "things are going pretty well, eh? Do you
think my plan is worth anything now ?"
You have attained an excellent position," I admitted unwillingly,
for I am disgustingly obstinate, and never, never will admit that I have
been on the wrong side of an argument-" a position many men might
envy you; but as to your mad notion of the Supreme Autocratic
Dictator, why-absurd, you know."
He beckoned me to follow him to his Ducal Palace. I went with
him. As he entered the hall, all the Governments of Europe, who
were awaiting his return, fell prostrate, and touched his boots with
Here," he said to me; "there is something in this, is there not ?'
This," I replied, "is remarkable in its way, but as to your mad
"And this," said James to the British Government, "is a machine
for annihilating a military force covering an area of a hundred
thousand square miles. It is true that the Russian Government-and
some others-have expressed a- "
I should like it very much," said the Government timidly and
wheedlingly; "but I am afraid that the price would- "
Hum I you don't seem to be Supreme Autocratic Dictator yet ?" I
said when he called the day after; but I said it weakly and with
evidently uncertainty of my ground, for I felt that my case was on its
"' I couldn't di it, old fellUw," he said, sitting down and wiping his
brow; I coulo ;,a ik -i. Tl- Government had such a lump in its
throat as it offered it hat I began to think my demand was a little
hard; and then when they told it to Her Majesty, she did take on so-
I couldn't insist, but wiped away a tear and accepted the Parliamert
Houses to live in and a pension of a hundred millions "
It was all true ; I c uld no longer doubt. My only course was to
treat the affair as unworthy of argument.
And the inventive genius," I asked incidentally: he will make
a good thing of it too, of course '"
Oh, yes," said James, "he'll have pension of twenty-five pounds
a year out of it!"
The Rose by any Other Name."
THE term gentlemen players" has just turned up somewhat
amusingly in the case of a cricket match at Hastings, where it was
announced that the gentlemen butchers of that town would play the
gentlemen butchers of some other place. Of course, in the sense that
they are non-professionals, they are gentlemen players; but where
will this kind of thing end P We shall hear of the "gentlemen
sweeps" next, and that will never do, as society has long since de-
clared that if a man be a thorough sweep he forfeits all right to the
title of gentleman.
A Mighty Deep Invention.
A BUOYANT couch or mattress, 6ft. 6in. by 2ft. 9in., made of elastic
felt, is exhibited at the United Service Institution, which would
sustain from 12 to 14 men in the water, and, says a contemporary, it
is to be hoped that this felt bed will have a fair trial in our own navy."
We hope so too, for an invention for saving life at sea is a want that
has long been felt.
Taking the Westminster Wicket.
MR. JOHN MORLEY is mentioned as a probable Liberal candidate for
Westminster. Well, if anyone can make the Tory members stir
their stumps," a Morley is Shawly the man!
CHISLEITURST, JULY 12TH, 1879.
LET fall the curtain, now the play is o'er,
So quickly closed the short-lived chequered day;
Farewell to one the world shall see no more,-
One born to high estate has passed away;
Away ere he had lit the lamp of fame,
To take his rest ere yet some deed was done
To shed a glorious lustre on his name-
Ere yet his knighthood honours had been won.
Away now all that luring hope could bring,
The soldier's glory and the clang of arms,
The beat of drum and eke the brazen ring
Of trumpet sounding forth to war's alarms.
No rush of battle filled the dying ear,
No bugle blast nor warrior sound,
For in the very dawn of his career
A Zulu savage struck him to the ground.
Farewell to victor's pride and victor's crown,
Farewell to dreams of grandeur yet to be:
The rule of empire and world-wide renown,
The ringing cheers and pageantry.
Farewell to all the glory of the world,
Toll forth the bell, the solemn requiem sing,
For joyous life with one fell blow was hurled
, To death when life and hope were on the wing.
Draw close the curtain, let the heavy pall
Hang mournful in the quiet, darkened room;
A people's heart doth bow and grief tears fall,
And all the summer day is wrapp'd in gloom.
Now hope and fear, and hot, heart-burning care,
And all the joys and pains of life are gone;
Toll, toll the ding-dong bell, and lave him there
In his last resting-place,-alone, alone.
There lay him with the mighty men of old,
* Deep down upon the lowly earth to rest,
For all his spotless story has been told,
Of all his race the purest and the best;
No taint of shame his valiant name shall bear,
Too young for what the sland'ring world calls crime,
There lay and leave him to the tender care,
. The fame, or deep oblivion, of time.
P 0 ___TA
A SMALL IFFICULTY.t
P :e Now, Fn.on, aiv Hippo A 13['C"'IT.
Flo (d9'u1/fv y) : 11 o YOU 7HI!k K. E COULD) EAT A WHlOLE ONE, PAPA'
24 FUN. [JULY 16, 1879.
GARDENING FOR 1879.
The Summer began; it rained; but he sat in his garden to watch for the flowers coming And the Summer progressed; it rained; but he still pee ed down-
up, and said:-" It will clearup by and bye, and then I will use my can and hose." to see the flowers come up.!
!II~T II U:llII~llllkJ//~l/ ;lavlll~lltlll[l ltI~ llltllllltlll~tt
And the Autumn came; it rained; yet be floated about (still buoyant) and And at length (while it rained) the flowers did come; and the enthusiast triumphed.
watched for the flowers. They were not the flowers he had expected; but no doubt he had mixed up the seeds.
FTJ7N,--JULY 16, 1879.
Rub a dub dub, men you can't snub,
And each mischief-maker, enraging the Spaker,"
They all jump'd out of an Irish potato.-Nursery Rhymes for little Politicians.
JuLY 16, 1879.]
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER AT LORD'S.
OH yes! I like zo game of ze crickey ver much, and ma.foi!, I do
understand it quite well. You see now!, I sall tell you all right ze
names of ze players. Him vit ze bat, who zey cannot bowl out at all,
him zey call ze "long stop," and him who stand, oh, so high! him
vat you call ze-ze "long legs," but I no see ze man vit ze square
legs." Ah! zat one who fall down this minute he is vat you call
" slip." You see, I know your game quite well! Good vicked
keepare? Je ne vous comprends pas, mon ami! How can ze keepare be
good if he is picked ? Vat you say ? He has cut ze ball for tree ? Is
not zat ver stoopid ? Vy for you laugh? I no see ze "point "? Yes,
zat is ze point," the man who hold out is umbrella, and the umbrella
is ze "cover point." Oh, ze point of ze joke ? No, I no see no joke.
Vy for ze batman come away? He is stump? Ah, poor man! I
play last night at ze-ze "Tommidodd," and I was stump too! They
have taken his bail, you say. Miserable I see Mr. Flower at ze
street of ze Bow send poor man to prison vunce because he had not
got a bail. Not ze same kind of bail? O'est tres dr6le, le "bail"!
Ven I was on ze watare to-morrow was a veek ago; zere was in ze
boat a-a little onion-ah! merci!-a leak, and zey call out
for ze bail. Yes; great lots of people here, and many
ladies, ver nice! Ah, ze ladies zey like ze crickey I Zey come for
vat you call ze good catch. I see, when your player no catch a ball
it is a miss, and your ladies, when zey no make ze catch they are miss
too Ah, yes; I like ze rickey ver much! Sacr-r-r- Vat is
dat ? Ze tam ball have hit me on ze vat you call ze shin. Run it
out ? Qu'ils sont btes I saill no be able for to walk yet, let ze run
INSTITUTING AN ENQUIRY.
CoME in, Matilda Jane, the lock
Is on the latch, you needn't knock;-
Of course I did, you know it well,
There's no one else to ring the bell;
And as you're neither more nor less
Than all the slavey" I possess,
It seems to me extremely plain
I rang for you, Matilda Jane.
I rang because I want to know
Why tradesmen will annoy me so;-
Here, take a chair and- bother pride-
I'll put that carpet broom outside-
What's that ? "Don't care to sit on chairs ?"
And want to sweep the kitchen stairs F"
Pooh, pooh, I say ; you must remain.
Don't be absurd, Matilda Jane.
Now, first of all, you won't deny
That we possess a large supply
Of shops of every kind in this
Why, even when you scratch your head,
You can't deny what I have said,
And so I simply say again
We've hkeaps of shops, Matilda Jane.
But though in scores they rear their heads
(Oh, never mind about the beds !)
And though they aim, or so it seems,
To satisfy the wildest dreams,
If there's a thing that I require
(Oh, bother take the kitchen fire!)
That's just the thing I can't obtain !
What is the cause, Matilda Jane ?
With notions definitely clear
Of what I want-(oh, blow the beer i)-
I enter shops-and meet the shock
Of hearing they are out of stock,"
" Although," remark those trader chaps,
"They can obtain it for me, p'r'aps,
If I will kindly call again."
And so I do, Matilda Jane.
And then they've got the very thing"
(Well, what's it matter ? let them ring),
And forth triumphantly they'll fish
A wild burlesque of what I wish I
" That's it," they say, with cheerful port,
Although it's nothing of the sort-
And then I have to hide my vain,
And buy the thing, Matilda Jane.
Or else they'll airily despise
The evidence of ears and eyes,
And tell me that a thing is what
It unmistakably is not,
Or treat my wants with quiet scorn,
And say "the thing is never worn"-
Do they suppose that I'm insane,
I'd like to know, Matilda Jane ?
Why, all my hats require a wedge
Of blotting-paper round the edge,
The coats I order never fit,
Nor yet the trousers-deuce a bit!
My ev'ry glove to button scorns,
And all my boots engender corns-
Now, can you wonder I complain ?
Why, dash it ALL, Matilda Jane !
Coming Across Sticks.
THE Huddersfield Tories have presented Lord Beaconsfield with a
Malacca cane with a gold handle. Their intention, doubtless, is that
he never Ma-lacca stick to walk with in his old age. And in those
days, when its aid will be really necessary, his lordship may jokingly
declare that he has been reduced to Straits of Malacca." As long as
he is "Abel "-bodied, however, he will not really require his
"Cain," will he?
A WHITE dove appeared in the church of St. Augustin, in Paris,
whilst the Bonapartists were there holding a mass for the late Prince
Imperial. The bird settled on a carved-oak eagle, and the Imperial
organs make out it was an omen of happy augury. As a matter of
fact, we suppose the dove suggested a sudden "coo" to the Bona-
partists. But they spell it coup," no doubt.
LORD CHELMSFORD, according to some of his critics, courts dis-
aster in South Africa. If when they say he courts" disaster they mean
he courts of inquiries" it, we quite agree with them, for no general
could be more particular in investigating blunders that should never
have been committed.
A MARBLE statue raised in honour of Burns is to be inaugurated on
the 2nd of August at Kilmarnock. There will, however, be no need
to raise anything to the Burns of the present day. Each of them un-
fortunately promptly raises its own blister without any assistance. .
THE NEW ZoLA(R) SYSTEM.-Ultra-realism.
[JULY 16, 1879.
N N f, _l
Farmer Giles:-" REBPErT HIS THEOLOGICAL OPINIONS! WHY, LOOK 'ERE,
MUM! HE WAS A-LOOKIN' AT THAT THERE FIELD OF Gat8 O' MINE THE
OTHER DAY, AND HE SEZ, SFZ HE, THAT THERE'S A NICE LOT 0' YOUNG wheat
YOU'VE GOT, MISTER GILES,' SZ HE I THERE'S A THEOLOGICAL OPINION
FOR YE I "
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT THE ALBERT HALL FETE.
THE evening of Monday, the 7th inst., was yet young, sir, when
the curious pedestrian lingering in front of the gasometric building
named at the head of this article might have observed one of its side-
doors quickly open, and an individual of dejected, though dis-
tinguished, appearance rapidly descend the step', and, after one wild
stare around him, rush recklessly down Exhibition-road. A closer
inspection of his disappearing form would have revealed the fact that
he wore a rosebud in no less than five of his coat button-holes, that
several large bouquets had been crammed heedlessly into his tail-
pockets, whilst every other portion of his outer garments that could be
turned into a receptacle was bulging out with such miscellaneous
property as Japanese hand-screens, French fans, bead-baskets, bottles
of scent, pincushions, antimaccassars, and photographs. Even his
hat, when he removed it gingerly to wipe his heated brow, would have
been seen to be full of smaller knick-knacks, and suspicious-looking
cigars with the ends bitten off, whilst his hands were fully occupied
with a large sofa-cushion in crewels, a tiger-lily in a pot, and several
half-eaten strawberries, to which he devoted especial care.
Passing cabmen, noticing his embarrassed state, stopped not un-
naturally, and placed their conveyances at his disposal, but he
might have been observed to wave them on with a bitter smile,
muttering to himself, They might at least have left me a cab-
It is scarcely likely, sir, however, that the curious pedestrian I
have referred to would have recognized in the laden and jaded in-
dividual in question the writer of this article.
There was little, truth to tell, of the "Extra-Special" about me at
that trying moment. In fact, I think I may say I have never felt
myself such a weak and ordinary mortal as I did on that Monday
evening when, after three hours of the French Fancy Fair," I
emerged into the outer world rifled, as I have said, of my last florin,
ETON v. HARROW.
A LECTURE AT LonD'S.
WOULD you like old Time to stand,
And the tide to backward flow,
Far along the golden sand
Of the shores of long ago P
Would you waken joy and pain,
Touching half-forgotten chords,
Feel life's spring-glow once again ?
Come and see the boys at Lord's.
What a sermon's in the strife
Of the noisy boyish blues!
Lord's is, after all, like Life !
Some must win, and some must lose I
Yonder youth who freely plays
Some day hence will squander hoards,
Learn that Fate as often says,
Stumped," in life as here at Lord's.
He whose prowess wakes the shouts
Shall, in time, a statesman grave,
At the game of Ins and Outs"
Place and pcw'r for party save.
Some who now the willow wield
Shall with glory grapple swords,
On another kind of field,
Raping fame, as now at Lord's.
Happy boys! And yet they long,
Each and all, for manhood's joys;
While the greybeards in the throng
Sigh with envy of the boys.
Glad young hearts, oh I rest content,
Short the springtime Life affords;
Soon- ah! soon 1-you will lament
Days when you'were boys at Lord's I
A DAILY contemporary has the following advertise-
ment: Two sisters want washing." Well, why
don't they wash without telling the public about it ?
Whene'er we take our walks abroad we see a great many
that would be all the better for that operation.
WHY is a night-watchman smaller in the morning
than he is at night F-Because he is let out at night and
taken in in the morning.
A STABLE COMPANION.-A ship differs from a horse
inasmuch that it will not work well if it's trained.
and looking, I should imagine, very much like an escaped lunatic who,
having broken into the Soho bazaar, was making for the Horticultural
Gardens to bury his assorted spoil.
You, sir, will feel more interest in this account of my doings when
you refer to your Petty Cash-book for Monday the 7th, and see how
amply, as I thought, I equipped myself out of office contingencies for
my Extra-Special" visit to the Albert Hall. But it is not every
day that Mdlle. Sarah Bernhardt keeps a stall and sells penny fire-
screens, with her autograph boldly written across the perspectiveless
Chinese landscape, for half-a-sovereign; or that you have a laughing
little Samary to wheedle you into buying worthless "smokes" at two-
shillings a piece, because she has put the end between her pretty lips.
Nor is it every day, sir, that countesses and marchionesses mix iced
drinks for you and fix roses into your button-holes-I calculate I must
have had at least six-and-twenty buds pinned somewhere or another
about me during the afternoon-whilst, as I remarked to Mdlle.
Croizatte in French, so idiomatic that I fear she failed to fully catch
my meaning, no one with a well-regulated mind will object to be
pleasantly and openly rooked" in a good caws."
As I deposited at your office the following day, for your satisfaction,
sir, all I had to show (except the bitten strawberries and the ticket for
the Tombola, not yet drawn), for an expenditure of 6 15s. 5d., all
told, I need not detail at length the articles I bore away from thefdte.
It was an exaggeration of yours, I hope, when you said you had to give
the office-boy 4d. to carry my purchases off the premises ; but at the
same time I readily admit that full value for money was noet the
principle on which the Albert Haul" Fete was managed.
But it was for charity, you know, sir, and that was enough for the
Prince of Wales and me, and doubtless for the many thousands of
visitors who crowded the arena, and made circulation round the
Bernhardt and Langtry and Croizette stalls-except the circulation of
coin of the realm-all but an impossibility. It was a scene that I
would on no account have missed, for though I flatter myself I have a
'JULY 16, 1879.]
" fair fancy of my own, it has never pictured for me such a fancy
fair as that r played my extra-special part in last week.
As to our Society belles, who were all there (not in bell tents, by-the-
bye, but in gauze booths), and the actresses of the Oomddie Frangaise,
we knew what a very "takifn" style of beauty each of them
possessed; but I do not think anyone expected they would take the
many thousand pounds they did. Really, though, the more I reflect
upon it the more inclined I am to think that Mdlle. Bernhardt might
have given the change out of my last half-sovereign, for it was
literally impossible to carry my sofa cushion and potted tiger-lily to
the Ball's Pond-road.
THE ARTIST ON THE SPOT.
(A SToaY oF AN EXPENSIVE PLANT.)
HE bulk of this our human
_-.j- --._ -t,
I, -- _
___- C$ _.
,\ -. ,
shrewd and clever),
I'll venture to assert, can
No notion whatsoever
Of all the unexampled
Of aids to their pro-
Which Special Artists on
Require in their
I ran across a man who
This special line his
The mass of-luggage he
Was something quite
It stretched afar on either hand,
And when he first displayed it
To me I couldn't understand
However he conveyed it.
The square of magic carpet stuff
Was there, with whose assistance
A single moment is enough
To travel any distance;
"It is," he said, "to those who'd win
A lucrative position
As Artist on the Spot, an in-
(And he-it's clear as any pin-
HYs little time to slumber
Who visits both the Poles within
The self-same weekly number!)
And then he had the magic cap
Which so defeats the starer,
And makes invisible the chap
Who figures as the wearer.
He had a Fairy Aunt, intent
On giving information
Of any unforeseen event
About to stir creation ;
And so, by information got
Thus wisely and astutely,
He'd be betimes upon the spot"
And sketch the scene minutely.
The Fairy Aunt was not without
That thing it's needless stating
All fairy aunts are firm about-
A retinue in waiting ;
The varied trunks, of great extent,
With which she would encumber
Her fairy self where'er she went
Were difficult to number.
And while we talked in friendly pitch
Across my mind it flitted
That I had seen in Fleet Street (which
Within that hour I'd quitted),
This self-same man I speak about,
This party I'm describing,
Engaged in flitting in and out
Of sundry "pubs," imbibing.
I put this to him, saying, "Brown,
I thought I understood you
To Fay you had not been to town
For months ? You've fibbed! How could you ?
I'll not indulge in coarse abuse,
Or harsh unfriendly gibing-
But there you were-no vain excuse !-
In sundry 'pubs,' imbibing."
Then answered Brown:-" The form which bade
Your wonder crave contentment
Was nothing but a model, made
In my exact presentment;
It was constructed, let me say
And satisfy inquirers,
To stop in town when I'm away
To comfort my admirers."
I answered gently, "It would shame
Me, morally to strike you
With words of doubt-but, all the same,
It was extremely like you I
And-what is stranger still, I think,
And might be reckoned scaring-
The thing could walk and talk and drink,
And had your way of swearing "
I said no more; I hold it ill
To heartlessly bespatter
A friend with rude suspicions- still
I've doubts about the matter:
Suppose the Artist on the Spot
By some insane confusion,
Is, while the Fleet-street Form is not,
The counterfeit delusion P?
Good Subjects for the Cat.
THE Edinburgh High Court of Justiciary has sentenced three men
to five years' penal servitude for the playful little freak of throwing
pepper into the eyes of a bank clerk, then knocking him into the
gutter, finishing their cheerful and instructive performance by robbing
him of 200. Now, we do not hesitate to lacerate the backs of our
soldiers and sailors with the cat, and it appears they are mustered often
enough in Zaluland to receive pepper in that way ; so we ask why, in a
case like this, bloodthirsty ruffians escape having their skins well
scratched by the claws of the cat ? In fact, a clause ought to be
introduced rendering it compulsory on judges to inflict corporal
punishment in all cases of robbery with violence.
A Party to Know.
THERE is another eccentric lady fooling about. This festive young
thing wears eight skirts, in which are sewn thirty purses, containing
20 in each. She also has a Bank of England certificate for 2,500
on her person. In answer to police inquiries she says she is engaged;
so let us hope this one will get married instead of murdered.
No Half Measures.
IF they continue to sell wheat by the quarter we shall have another
turn of the arithmetical tables next, and hear of houses being let by
the peck or bushel.
[JULY 16, 1879.
3ii0Tj F U N .mI~i c~
THERE'S MANY A TRUE WORD, &c.
Landlady (to Smith, who's just left his luggage at the station, and is hunting for lodgings) :-" WELL, WE ARE RATHER FULL JUST NOW, I
MUST SAY, BUT I DARBSAY WE CAN manage to take you in."
SAis conceived in a delightfully audacious vein, and the carving of a
SARAH AS WILLI&AM. Highlander to do supernumerary work in Macbeth is an ingenious
WITH that condescending familiarity with our national poet that episode that serves to bring out another of Bernhardt's talents.
proves things to be so beautifully above all petty jealousy, the French Snakespeare having been a player, it is evident that Sarah could
players arranged that Sarah should appear as William; or, as we might legitimately give us a specimen of her genius in every one of his
put it, Bernhardt should assume the character of Shakespeare. The dramas; and as there is no doubt that she is a poet, there can be no
play is by Jean Aicard-a capital card to play, though not a court one, reason why she should not write a sequel to Romeo and Juliet in the
for it came out at the Gaiety. We could thus after all enjoy the last act.
opportunity of beholding the French Inimitable in a doublet and The malcontents who complain that William is desecrated for the
prolongations, a privilege for which it is believed the gilded Tooth- sake of Sarah don't know when they are well off. And they who
picks have been languishing for the last six weeks. A natural hint that we have rather travestied this bonne bouche of the Com6die
Shakespeare, the prosaic party of history, was of course far too plain don't know how very free and easy your French poets are with William
a part to suit the many-sided genius of Sarah. Some liberties have when they are using him as a vehicle for showing off a French actress.
therefore been taken with the bard's biography ; and he is represented
living as he would have lived if he had only known that Sarah was
going to put herself in his place. A Case of Conscience.
Thus, for instance, there is a finely pathetic scene in which William, SHAKSPEARE says it is conscience that makes cowards of us all."
caught sketching in Sir Thomas May's park, declares his love for The first attribute, therefore, of a soldier should be the want of
Sir Thomas s daughter in blank verse; and offers to paint her portrait conscience.
for nothing as the price of his liberty. This furnishes an excellent
opportunity for Madame Bernhardt to execute coram public an Eliza- row Ready, the Thirty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
bethan masterpiece; and if it is slightly untrue to history, why more
shame for Shakespeare. The scene in which Shakespeare, with his TWENTY-NINTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
well-known prescience, invents the Exhibition balloon and goes up in Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
it, in order to properly describe the sensations of Ariel and Queen Mab, Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each,
DOME LEAD CADBURY'S
BRILLIANT!! CLEAN!! NO DUST!! f f fl A
For E]oellence of pj PE r Cleanliness I I *
Qiaity COLD MEDAL in uae. .O ES E C
old by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere. PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING These Pes nether scratch o..n the paper nor sp the inkth.
E. JAMES & SONS, 80LE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH. c,-oro.-vc....,s,-e,.... .sAe s o ... .,P .- I .e by.:in ,:fr .tps:. W^rs:O.B:
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, July 16, 1879.
JULY 23, 1879.] F U N 31
THE PURSUIT OF ARt.
WHAT IB TRIS? WHY, OUR FRIEND MADDER BROWN JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE INDICATED A FIGURE OR TWO IN HIS SKETCH, AND ALL
THE YOUNG RAGAMUFFINS OF THE PLACE IMMEDIATELY RUSHED AND POSED IN FRONT OF HIM, TO HAVE THEIR LIKENESSES TOOK."
THE BATTLE OF THE CAT.
Now room for the bard who will sing you to-day
A song of a terrible, horrible fray
About the remarkable animal that
Is known to us all by the name of the Cat.
The combatants foughtwith a hubbub and screech,
And fury which boded destruction to each ;
They threatened to rival those wonderful elves
The quarrelsome cats of Kilkenny themselves.
The animal causing this difference dire
Was not pretty pussy" we find by the fire,
Who likes a young mouse when he's ready to dine-
Possessing a tail and existences nine.
The pussy of which I am going to sing-
An ugly, attenuate sort of thing-
Its claws didn't s8ratoh you, but they out you like knives;
Its caudal appendages equalled its lives.
Now certain old women possessing it, were
In cases of mutiny (happily rare)
Accustomed to lay on refractory backs
The tails of the Cat with occasional whacks.
But other old women objected, they say,
I cannot tell why, nor could, probably, they-
For some of the loudest to holloa out Shame,"
Had formerly owned it and used it the same.
Be that as it may, or may not, I regret
To say they immediately made a dead set
On those in possession with tooth and with nail,
And after a struggle they captured a tail.
The grief of the owners was sudden and deep,
But those that were left they determined to keep ?
Yet, spite their resolve they immediately had
To give up two others, so matters looked bad.
Oh, loud were their meanings and louder their wails;
Their pussy was now but a Cat of six tails I
They swore to recover them both, in their wrath,
The others beat them though, and captured a fourth.
The tales of Miletus, supposed to be lost,
Were nothing to this, as they found to their cost;
Their spirits in subsequent battles were vexed,
Three more precious tails their opponents annexed."
Oh, loudest their wailing! what were they to do ?
Their Cat of nine tails was a Cat of but two.
Two tails, and two heads, may be better than ons;
But having had nine, why, a couple seems none.
The owners were now in extremities," though
That isn't surprising as tails were the go,"
They thought and consulted, but counsel despite,
Another was lost that identical night.
Oh, great was the joy of the enemy now.
The owners then vowed them a terrible vow-
To die at their posts, but to never resign
The only one left to them out of the nine !
But now was the fierce opposition content
To rest on their laurels by common consent;
A Cat with one tail is an orthodox Cat-
They left them in peaceful possession of that.
And this the tale of the terrible fights,
Which kept them quite busy for several nights,
They took up a line from those troublesome elves-
The cats who mol-row and fight nightly themselves I!
The Psychological Review recently published an article entitled "A
Spirituelle View of Diet." We are anxiously looking out for the
companion article "A Spirituelle View of Drink; our Spirit,-u-elle
be pleased to hear, is cognac.
VOL. XXX. NO. 741.
[JULY 23, 1879.
FUN'S GUIDE TO LONDON.
IV.-WALK THE SECOND.
LET the stranger prepare for the ascent of Ludgate Hill. It will
not be absolutely necessary for him to bring his Alpenstock with him,
and his watch likewise he may leave at his lodgings, since whatever
time he may take in getting to the top of the Hill, he is sure to go by
First let him note the L. C. D. R. Company's contribution towards
the renovation of St. Paul's-the huge bar of soap laid upon its facade
in readiness for scouring.
In spite of modern improvements, the region lying round about
Ludgate was formerly a more taking locality than it is at present,
since of its three prisons not one remains. To the left, in the Fleet
Prison, many historical characters have been confined, of whom, per-
haps, the most famous were Mr. Samuel Pickwick and his namesake,
By-the-bye, as Ludgate Hill was within the Rules of the Fleet,
were its inhabitants, before the pulling down of the prison, subject to
the Articles of War?
Bridewell, which stood in Bridge-street, was intended for the
punishment of, amongst others, those who would abide in no place."
A very large House of Correction, which might be called the Servants'
Home, would be required for such offenders nowadays. It was a
pleasant custom of our ancestors to flog women at Bridewell after
morning prayers, society flocking to witness the operation as one of
the most striking sights of the town.
The gilding of New Blackfriars Bridge, at the bottom of this street,
has been objected to; but, surely, the railway bridge, which has ruled
it out like a superseded street number, is the more guilty.
Lud Gate, which crossed the Hill, and its confinees' convenience, near
St. Martin's Church-" toe mak," writes one of the execrable jesters of
antiquity, them which should be shutte up therein praie for
Mair-tin, and soe untoe hym "-was a debtor's prison. The poor
debtors used to fish for alms with a box dangling from a string. Were
the gate and custom standing still, knife-board passengers, as the
omnibuses rumbled out of the centre arch, might have "benevo.
lences extorted from them under the threat of, "I'll have your hat."
Here a poor citizen, begging for a penny to buy a loaf, caught the eye
and took the fancy of a rich widow in want of a husband. She bought
him for 20, that being the sum for which he was confined. No sooner
had the turnkey freed him than wedlock secured him. Doubtless
through life the lady proved the better horse, but, at any rate, he
became Lord Mayor.
In the Precinct of Blackfriars, on the right, there are still black
frocks-to wit, in its railway refreshment-rooms; their wearers, how-
ever, being not Preaching Brethren, but Sisters who have a great
gift for charging. They are said to have greater influence with young
men than their predecessors could boast of.
If the stranger hails from New York, by all means let him visit the
Broadway, and he will be compelled for once to admit that an Old
Country locality can far surpass its New World namesake. In this
magnificent thoroughfare the enterprising firm, Geo. Routledge and
Sons, has a bookshop, whose dimensions contrast favourably with
the space in which it stands. We may mention, by the way, that our,
on the whole, very decently-conducted little contemporary, the
Times, is printed in an obscure corner of the Precinct.
Shakspere was part proprietor of a theatre which stood hard by,
and it will interest the visitor from the United States or our colonies
to note how old customs linger in England. In the Blackfriars yard,
in which the author of Taming the Shrew acted, tip-cat is still played.
When the Apothecaries determined to have a Hall, or Haul, in
Blackfriars, they selected Water-street as their place of settlement,
in recognition of the fact that aqua pura (or otherwise) is the most
extensively used ingredient in the Pharmacopoeia.
On this side of Ludgate Hill, there is a fragment of old London
Wall. If the explorer be too wall-eyed to discover it, he must console
himself with the abundance of modern ones he will find about him.
Coming out again upon the Hill, we need scarcely inform the stranger
that the gentlemen in blue gesticulating in Farringdon Circus at the
foot are Masters of the Ring. The two obelisks are very interesting
antiquities of London, having been erected long before Cleopatra's
needle. Observe on the other side of the road La Belle Sauvage
(vulgo, Bell Savage) Yard-site of an ancient hostelry, now appro-
priated by a Cassell. Some antiquaries maintain that the vulgarians
are right-that the inn was named after an English Bell Savage, and
no Sauvage, belle or otherwise. To split the difference, we venture to
suggest that the tavern was once under the control of a barmaid,
beauteous, but domineering, known as the Savage Belle.
(To be continued.)
TROPHONIus WRONG FOR ONCE-AN UNLUCKY OVERSIGHT-CLEAR
EXPLANATION AND VINDICATIoN-T PIDATION OF THE OLD MAN-
UNKIND REMARKS OF A GtrADIAN-TH BHARROW AND ETON MATCH
-THE L. A. C. SWIMMING MEETING-GOODWOOD STAKES AND CUP.
THE CAvE, Yesterday.
DEAR PATRONS AND FnrINDs,-The old man has led you astray-
his tip for the LIVERPOOL Cup did not give the winner; he freely
confesses to the fact. And it would be well, in his opinion, if some
prophets he' could name were equally ready to admit a failure-at
making which the old man is a fool to them-instead of trying to
palliate it, ignore it altogether, or make it worse by attempting to
prove that they were right after all. Trophonius holds in utter scorn
and contempt any such proceeding-his gorge rises against it-and he
would never again hold his head up in society were he once to descend
to such mean subterfuges. With regard to the LIVERPOOL Our, how-
ever, I may say that my tip was not so far wrong after all, and, but
for the accident to which I am about to refer, would have been
altogether right-as usual. The accident alluded to was nothing more
or less than the omission of Maximilian from my notes of the entries.
But for this oversight I should most decidedly have given him for
first place, with Glendale and New- Laund as partners, instead of giving
the last two first and second (see tip) thus:-
Glendale-go and win,
New Laund, it seems to me,
Is scarcely in the dark."
"Scarcely in the dark !" I should think not indeed-who gave you
absolute second and third P
I approach my next subject-the Eton and Harrow cricket match-
with considerable trepidation. There is a guardian of the-poor down
in Sunderland who don't like cricket grounds. A local club having a
match on hand, and offering a free admission thereto to the workhouse
boys (and their band, if they liked-a neat way of obtaining a band
cheaply, by the way, quite after the old man's heart 1!), that guardian
was painfully shocked. He said, A cricket ground was not the best
place for those boys' education," and what could anyone else say after
that, you know ? Persons of trivial mind may weakly assert that
cricket-grounds advance no claims of an educational kind, and that
one day's innocent amusement in watching a manly game might be
worth something as a reminiscence to lads with futures destined, pro-
bably, to be none too bright or smooth; but everybody of properly
balanced intellect is well aware that no boy should at any time be
anywhere but in "the best place for his education." Trophonius
would not have minded that so much, though, if that guardian hadn't
gone on to say that the frequenters of cricket grounds were educated
gamblers," and that bets were going on on every cricket ground--
not that he ever attended such places" (oh, de-ar no 1), "but he
knew it was so" (omniscient Mr. Guardian!). That's why the old
man hardly likes to confess to going to Lord's on Friday week. He
wouldn't like to be taken for an "educated gambler"-he wouldn't,
indeed-and if anyone thought he batted it would cut him to his
tender old heart and bring the tear to his bleary old eye. He is com-
forted, however, by the reflection that this liberal-minded gentleman
failed to deprive the little "leather breeches' of their holiday, so that
it is clear the majority of the Board are not of his opinion, and
perhaps Trophonius, after all, runs but slight risk of being branded as
a degraded object when he admits he wad at Lord's-and enjoyed it,
too. The weather, with a politeness becoming every day more and
JULY 23, 1879.]
How often I wonder, when sitting, alone,
Out of temper and fretting and grambling,
If every fellow in life that I've known
Is so racked with the same mental tumbling.
There's Charley, and Harry, and Mulberry Fooze,
And some other smart fellows I'm meeting;
They don't seem to care if they winor they lose,
Nor yet how the sweet moments'" .are fleeting.
And often I wonder, when feeling forlorn,
If in all this wide world there's a fellow
That thinks it was jolly, and hallows the morn,"
When he stept into life, now he's mellow.?
In childhood man never is happy, I know,
For the children they always are squalling;
And boyhood !-0 think when to school he must go,
Of the lessons, the fag, and the brawling.
In manhood we never get all that we want,
In our love often crossed at the starting,
In striving for place how we struggle and pant,
Even success brings something of smarting.
I've looked at this life now from every view,
On the love light of truth and the scandal;
There may be some sweets, yet (I whisper to you),
Is the life that we lead worth the candle %
We look for the sunlight in bright, budding spring,
But instead we get dark, stormy weather,
We look that the summer glad beauty shall bring,
While the dance and the song go together.
Now rain, storm, and cloud shut out all the sun rays,
Comes the wild cry of war 'stead of singing;
I don't mean to say there are not happy days,
But they come when life days are beginning.
From first to the last, all the way that we go,
There must surely be something that's jolly; "
I've seen sparkling eyes in the dust and the snow,
And I've seen aged men laugh at folly.
And well I remember, when all things in life,
Were to me only joyous and sunny;
But now, with the world it seems War to the knife,"
Which I can't understand-it's so funny.
A Light Investment.
A LOATING debt" is one that is over dew. Other
debts are heavy, sink to the bottom of the purse, and
get you under water.
more rare on its part, was blandly propitious, so that, in that respect,
this was the first really successful match of the season. Visitors were
numerous. Royalty and the fair sex graced the scene, and smiled
upon the old man, and many were the lunches he partook of. But all
things seemed to pass in a dream, until two a.m. found the prophet
endeavouring to open the door of the-St., John's Wood-road Station
with his latch-key, desisting not until a policeman led him tenderly
away ta a quiet lodging, which they charged him 5s. and costs for
next day. He thought it dear for :the accommodation, and doesn't
recommend the place.
Willingly would the old man have seen the conclusion of the match
next day, but duty called him to other -seenes-viz., to the L. A.C.
swimming contest at Norwood Park. Yea, duty called him, and, as
is his wont, he strove valiantly to obey; but there was so much wet
without and cold without," and-so many Norwoods about, that the
prophet, who has but scant experience of travelling, may be excused
and pitied for missing his way and wandering disconsolately through
muddy lanes and suburban streets, but ill-supplied with sheltering
" pubs," till the gathering darkness found him, weary and footsore,
on the platform of the Norwood Junction Station, only to be jeered at
by other and more successful members of the Press, who mocked at
his misery all the way to town, and gave such glowing accounts of the
day's sport, the numerous spectators .(in spite of the wet), the geniality
of the Brothers Waddell, and the jolly ride they had in a :boat, until
the old man was obliged to change carriages. He regrets missing that
meeting above all things fqr one reason; from his connection with the
turf he would like to have seen the "plunging" contest.-Yours, &c.,
P.S.-I have a moral for the GoODWOOD STAKES. Gold or notes.
P.S. 2.-Ditto for the Cup. Same terms.
WHAT Is PREARAILE TO A GAs Memn P-Meet her by electric
Smallest Boy.:-" BETTER GIVE IN AT ONST 'cos I'M BOUND TO LICK YER."
Small Boy :-" How D'YER KNOW YER A-GOIN' TO LICK ME?F"
Smallest Boy :-"'Cos I'M STRONGER THAN YOU; I CHEW TOBACKER AND
'ARRY 'OPKINS FEELS THE REACTION.
Aw, dear boy, it's all very fine to larf like that; but it ain't no
joke at all, I can tell yer I when a poor cove's been 'ead over ears
in love for the best part of a month and a 'arf and then 'as 'is
charmer took suddenly clean away from 'im. When I see 'er fust
my hangel, at the play, I will confess my 'art wasn't a bit smit. But
when I finds out there were sich a furoria .about 'or, and I begins to
think more serious about the matter, and 'as a long study of 'er
photergrerph in the shop-winders, then I sees 'ow my first impressions
was all wrong, and I determines to undo the injury I,done 'er in my
mind. So I goes the next night what she played at the Gaiety, and
I stands alongside of the door where the known' ones knows them
actresses goes in, and I waits till she come out, and 'as a lovin' squint
at 'er while she walks into 'er kerridge, and I says to myself, I says,
"'Arry, you was a fool to think that Sarah Burnart a ordinary sort
of gal. She's a divine creature, with a figure what beats the Venus
at the Crystal Palace into fits, and a 'and as delicate as a baby's, and
-my eye !-sich a magnificent, sweet, pretty little foot as makes
your mouth water to look at And then she Oldss 'er 'ead so 'igh,
and steps as proudly as Queen Victoria herself and beats all yer
Langtrys and little Cornwallis Wests regular out of sight; they ain't
in the same field with 'er." Oh! 'ow l-used to go night after night
to gaze upon 'er hangelic features. I made 'er turn toward me by
a-coughin' loud; and once, the last time, I jumps forrard and opens
'er kerridge door; and then she gives me sich a smile as made my
'art go a thumpin' up agin my westcott. But it was too late, old
man, too late! -he went back to France directly after, and I 'as
nothing left to remind me of the darlin' I laved, so well but 'er photer-
grarph, which I bought for a bob, and carries in my bosom. And now
when I thinks on 'er that she's gone, and I shan't never see 'er no
more, and. the harden passion that growed .up in me is scattered to
the soin4ds, and my exhausted 'art remains a bland the reaction is too
much. I feel down, dear boy, positively down I
[JULY 23, 1879.
ABOUT THE -
"What a gorgeous palace I" exclaimed Fun; "and what a luxurious young gentleman I-how magnificently dressed and perfumed !-how accomplished!"
" Yes," eaid the Spirit of Practical Joking; this is the and one of its pupils."
"What a lazy fellow, being sent to gaol for begging! said Fun.
Oh, he isn't lazy," said the Spirit; "but he had to give up his employment, to devote his time to making his son attend the -so he's generally in
prison for begging."
*/ I. -' i aj ^ '- ( -' I -
What a poor broken-down person with no roof to his head and gnawing a bone cried Pun.
Yes," said the Spirit, that's the ratepayer; expenses of the you know.
FTIJN --JULY 23, 1879.
THE SOLDIER'S DREAM.
With a little of the Romance rubbed off.
Juar 23, 1879.] FU N 37
WIMBLEDON, JULY, 1879.
Boozle's determined to hit something. "Pleasure seekers." A "Small Bore. Brown comes home covered with mud
and glory. He's won the Cup."
I 'OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL IN CAMP.
WIMBLEDON Common, sir, for the present is my head-quarters,
though I regret to say that my application-founded on private
meteorological information-for the use of the well-known Umbrella
Tent" was not granted.
I have taken due precautions, however, against the elements-not
elements of success in this case, I fear-my tent itself being a proof,
or, as I might say, a waterproof, of the completeness of my prepara-
tions. A single glance inside it would show you that I can offer a
visitor not only bed but board as well, since a raised flooring of
deal planks removes tho obvious ground for complaint that the wet
earth might otherwise have constituted.
You, too, sir, who know me well, would find in the deep-cut trench
that surrounds my canvas dwelling a suggestive hint of the trenchant
style I can, when necessary, adopt-a style that even the rain, when
falling on me in its fiercest fury, could not resist. No, sir, for as fast
as that rain came down, hoping no doubt to overwhelm me, it had
most ignominiously to run away.
I am here, I admit, not merely in my Extra-Special capacity;
I am come for enjoyment also, and hope to combine business and
pleasure as successfully as my neighbours mix their ginger-beer and
" bitter." I do not intend, I may say in passing, to win the Queen's
Prize, or, in fact, any of the big events; but for all that I shall keep
my hand in at the "pool" targets. Pool" shooting it is, indeed,
but too likely to prove, for it looks as though one would have to stand
in a pond before the meeting is over, and, as it is, we have most of us
had to shoot in a puddle.
"Meeting, forsooth," I heard a wag of the Queen's Westminsters
exclaim yesterday; it seems to me that drinking ? would be a better
name for the gathering, seeing the quantity of liquid there .is about."
And to tell the truth, sir, we do, as a rule, swallow a great deal, in
addition to our vexation, in the camp. My own fluid arrangements
are but a fair specimen of what you would find in most of the tents.
Fearing I may not win any of the cups to be competed for here, I
have taken the precaution of bringing a good supply with me. I did
not succeed in procuring a wassail bowl, but the tankard I have fixed
on the very top of my tent pole-the cup"-ola of my dwelling, as a
facetious neighbour calls it-is a landmark (certainly it is not a water
one) which visitors in search of me will do well to note. Following
the example of an illustrious personage at the Kilburn Show, I have
been careful to checkmate the damp weather as far as possible by
laying in wines of the driest brands.
My champagne, ioper frdres' first quality,* has figured largely in
the festivities-" fizz"-tivities the Queen's Westminster wag calls
them-which have distinguished my tent, and I have it on the
authority of several crack shots that it is an excellent wine to shoot on.
All I know is that it has a peculiar power of making men tell good
stories round the camp fire. This is not strange, though, for a
"Roper" is naturally associated with "yarns."
As to my sherry, that is as dry as a "eaune," of which I also have
a supply, and I only wish I had half-a-dozen rifle-butts full of it.
But I need not particularise further on this head, or you will think I
have only come down to Wimbledon to wine.
Far from this, you would be astonished to see how attentive I am
I do not wish to make the firm conceited, but, at the same time, it is my duty
to state that the company in my tent last night, after partaking of a cup "
made with their champagne, insisted on singing, "Roper / quoi que j'aime" be-
fore breaking up.-Y. E.-S. R.
to my military duties. For instance, not content with drawing my
rations like the other fellows, I go to a man I know in the Artists'
Corps and get him to paint mine for me as well. You think that
makes them nasty, perhaps. Not at all, not at all I my dear sir, they
only become the more palette-able, I assure you.
But it is, after all, at the camp fire in the evening that I shine most.
There, as you may imagine, I am in great form, as the merry quip
goes round-some of the quips, by the way, are so weak that they do
not get round more than half way, and the damper the evening the
drier am I. Thus, only last night I kept our camp in a roar with
such faetia as these:-
If a fellow was knighted for his good shooting, why would he be
much astonished ?-Because he would get a sir "-prize (" surprise,"
don't you see F).
Why is a volunteer whose bullets are picked up at Putney no
ordinary marksman ?-Because his shooting is out of the Common!
(Wimbledon Common, you know.)
And here is a third:-What is better than shooting at a blackbird
and killing a crow ?- Shooting for a "lark" and making a
It was I, too, who asked a past Queen's prizeman who was present
whether the outerss" scored by nonconformist competitors were
ever called dis-centres," and expressed an earnest wish to know if
two or more men "in shooting off their ties" shot off their collars as
Altogether, in spite of the wet, we manage to keep our spirits up-
Irish whisky excepted; and, as a "tent"-ative experiment qf mine, I
find my life under canvas very pleasant, though a little damper thyn
I could desire. It is soft water, though, that comes down, Po it Is
nonsense to go about whining "How hard it is!" whenever we get-
another day's rain.
WE have always deprecated the senseless craze that has recently
existed for long-distance walking matches, for we foresaw thW in-
evitable injury they would inflict, and the following extract from a
provincial contemporary justifies our predictions:-
W'ANTED, a SEWING-MAID, who can take care of one walking child. A
superior person will have a comfortable home.
The idea of a "walking child"! If this be the -parents' idea of
training up a child in the way it should go, we think they ought to
know better. Instead of being tenderly nursed on a mother's lap,
the poor little creature has probably to do so many laps" an hour,
and why a "sewing-maid should be required to superintend the move-
ments of this infant pedestrian is beyond our comprehension, without,
by-the-bye, the youngster is expected to get a stitch in its side.
From Bad to Worse.
ACCORDINa to the society papers, the present season has been one of
unequalled gloom and dulness. We sympathise deeply, for according
to all accounts there will scarcely be any hops" next season.
IT is very strange that the Flogging in the Army discussion
should have proved so serious an affair, for we quite thought a debate
upon cats" would necessarily be amewsing.
Tax Fruit OF THE TELEGRAPHIC CoNFERENao.-Electric currents.
[JULY 23, 1879.
DEARI DEAR I "
Man :-"HERE'S WHERE IT IS, MISS,-THE WALLY IS ACCORDING'
THIS 'ERE'S THE FLOWER 0' THE WALLEY."
A WIDESPREAD CRIME.
SCENE; The Street. BROWN meets JONES.
BROWN. Dreadful affair, this last new murder case, isn't it ? So
very mysterious, too. From what I can glean I don't believe more
than one person had a hand in it-evidently all the work of one
JONES. Oh, yes ; can't have been any accomplices. I'm glad to see
Slanger's got the prosecution in his hands ; wonderfully acute man;
he'll soon clear up the mystery.
BROWN. Oh, yes-he'll find out the real culprit. [They part.
Next week. B. and J. meet again.
BRowN. By Jove, I was wrong in believing there were no
accomplices in that murder case. I've read it all carefully. Wonder.
I'vE suffered, with a brain
Extremely calm and sober,
The unremitting wind and rain
We've had since last October;
It had to be endured,
Although it galled and saddened;
And so in time I got inured
And bore the thing unmaddened;
But now the mornings bring
Another wrong so glaring ;
I cannot contemplate the thing,
And not descend to swearing I
I mean the ruling trait
Of him who tells the capers
The weather is about to play
Each morning in the papers;
It goads me on, I say,
To howl in my affliction,
To read his calm contented way
Of giving his prediction.
He reeks with hope, for which
There's not the faintest reason;
It works me up to such a pitch,
It's CRIMINAL! It's TaEAsoN !
He racks me to the bone-
He ruffles every feather-
He has to flattering a tone
In prophesying weather!
He seems to think it play:
He let's it down so easy;
He calls a howling, crashing day
Of wild tornado, "breezy" !
And when the skies of lead
Exert their utmost powers,
And rain, by tons and tons, is shed-
He calls the process showers !
Though I may be a fool,
I do know when it's freezing;
But, bless your soul, he calls it cool,
And seems to think it pleasing.
A steady drenching rain,
Which lasts for months together
Unchanging by a jot or grain
He calls unsettled weather !! !
It gives me quite a qualm
To think of my sensations I
Where does he get his sweet-his calm-
His strange hallucinations ?
Id like his job; I sigh
To wield his quill and feather,
And make the papers publish my
Opinions of the weather!
You'd look but vainly for
Polite refined restrictions
In wording, in my meteor-
My style 1 think you'd call
SMaligantly effusive ;
I'd look up Johnson first, for all
The words that are abusive.
A Sham FIGHT.-Trying to get a glass of
fiz at the Com6die Frangaise Bazaar.
TO THE FLOWER, AND A RECENT DlscovsRY.-When is a trumpet
like the sky ?-When it's blew !
fully acute man that Slanger. I see he's managed to incriminate all
the witnesses-thirty-two of 'em.
JONES. Yes, there's no doubt every one of 'em had a hand in it; he
makes that as clear as day. I suppose they'll all be hanged ?
BRowN. Oh, sure to. [ They part.
Next week. They meet again.
BRowN. What a surprising number of people had a hand in that
murder I see Slanger has contrived to incriminate all the people in
the body of the court 1
JONES. Yes, and everybody in the crowd in the street outside.
They're all locked up. Marvellously acute fellow, that Slanger I
suppose all the lot '11 have to swing?
BROWN. Not a shadow of a doubt about it. [They part.
JvLY 23, 1879.] F U N 39
Next week. They meet again.
BRowN. Marvellous genius, that Slanger! But I'm grieved to find
that the usher of the court had a hand in that tragedy.
JoNEs. Yes, and the jury, too I Poor fellows I
BRowN. And Slanger's junior!
JoNEs. And both the defending counsel and--
BRowN. And all the relatives of every one of them I I suppose
they'll all suffer the extreme penalty?
JoNEs. Oh, of course they will-poor things! Great genius
Slanger I [They part.
Next week. ScENE: Apolice cell. BROWN and JONE9 are pushed in,
and meet again.
BROWN. Well, I am sorry to see you had a hand in that murder,
JoNEs. I am equally grieved, Brown, to discover that you were
concerned in it.
BOTH. Wonderfully acute man that Slanger. I suppose we shall
both suffer execution ?
ScENE: The Judge's private house. The JUDGE enters hurriedly, meet-
ing his wife.
THE JUDGE. It's all over with your poor Judgywudgy, my dear ;
Slanger has found that I had a hand in that dreadful crime! I'm
expecting the officers to arrest me every second-ah, there's their
MRs. JUDGE. I suppose you will be hanged by the neck, dearest ?
THE JUDGE. Oh, sure to. Wonderful man that Slanger I
General execution-by the hand of Mr. Slanger, there being nobody else,
uneondemned, to perform the operation.
THE ARTIST ON THE SPOT AGAIN.
THAT same Special Artist I mentioned last week
(That Artist, you know, on the Spot ")
Let the following sorrowful story outleak
As we sat with the pipe and the pot :-
The tale of my tortured existence were meet
For the Book of the Martyrs of Fox;
For harsh persecutious have followed my feet,
And assisted to whiten my locks;
By dint of devotion and constant resort
To the lay-figure's beauty of parts,
I hit on a by-way delightfully short
To the top of my fairest of arts.
While yet I was youthful and jubilant, thanks
To my clever depicting of crimes,
I rose to a lucrative place in the ranks
Of the "Blood and Catastrophe Times."
Such talent as mine then beginning to bud
But seldom goes hungry or begs ;
For the principal points in my drawing were blood,
And the neat introduction of legs.
Whenever a horrible murder occurred,
Or disaster of frightful extent,
In the art-publication to which I've referred
I drew the improving event.
My talent was noticed to gracefully lean
To superabundance of gore,
Which spattered the persons enacting the scene
And spread itself over the floor.
Few rivals I had; for exceedingly few
Had any pretension to shine
Like me, as in none of the pictures they drew
Was half so much blood as in mine.
And, while I pursued my successful career,
A wonderful murder took place,
Exceedingly hard to unravel and clear-
A splendid, sensational case :
I jumped at the subject, rejoiced, on account
Of the praise I expected to win;
I threw an imposing and extra amount
Of my grand speciality in.
Now B-, the detective, an officer who
Pursues his vocation with zest,
(A very intelligent officer, too)
Was on that particular quest.
And while, with a thoughtful, pre-occupied air,
One day he was sauntering by,
My talented sketch of the dreadful affair
Attracted his wandering eye.
He musingly scratched his intelligent head;
Hope sprang in his bosom anew ;
"'Why, here is a party who saw it," he said,
(Or inwardly muttered)-" THE cL I!"
As you were apparently present," said he,
And saw the occurrence take place,
I feel it my duty to take you with me
To state what you know of the case."
I thought of my public, that worshiping lot;
And knew that to own, like a dunce,
That I hadn't depicted the scene on the spot
Would ruin my future at once ;
I winked at the officer, toying with gold;
But love of his duty was strong;
His buckler of virtue was seventy-fold;
Unyielding, he took me along:
When placed in the box, I accused of the crime
(From flurry, as may be inferr'd)
A worthy relation of mine, of the time
Of James, or of William the Third.
But the Judge, having sifted it, knocked on the head
My rather inconsequent tale,
By finding my worthy relation was dead;
And bundled me off to a jail.
Now, every time that a murder took place,
And when I depicted the same,
To carry me off to assist in the case
The Active Intelligent came;
And ever I told with my uttermost tact
That rambling inconsequent tale,
And ever, discovering absence of fact,
They bundled me off to a jail.
At length I appealed to the Judge, in despair;
I went to his private address,
And told him the truth of this wretched affair.
He pitied my humble distress,
And very indulgently gave me a Pass
Permitting my presence at crimes,
With freedom from witnessing; Season; First Class;
Marked Blood and Catastrophe Times."
Not Drawing it Mild.
HAVING now had ample time for reflection, the ex-Khedive is
understood to consider that, when his sovereign said he took from him
the rulership of Egypt on account of his scandalous mismanagement of
that country, the Sultan was laying it on a little Tew-fik."
FUNi [JULY 23,.1879.
METHOUGHT I saw the Summer
Dawn brightly through the land I
I bailed the tardy comer,
:1" 4,' ~From lodgings in the Strand.
7 ''. Oh, tell me, was I dreaming P
It seemed so odd a thing
To finud the Summer beaming,
Before we had the Spring.
The leafy June came smiling
Upon the heels of May.
Sweet birds, their time beguiling,
Sang all the livelong day.
Yet now I well remember-
Deasvite their choral tune--
That May was like November,
And like December June.
Methought the June instanter
Gave place to fair July;
And earth became a panter
Beneath a torrid sky.
But soon the vision faded;
My fancies all were vain.
The skies were overshaded,
While fiercely fell the rain.
'Twas only in my slumber
[ saw the Summer-time;-
The bees in any number-
The roses in their prime.
Unless affairs are mended,
And better days appeal ,
September will be ended
Before the Spring is here!
Tis Ritualistic Party are going to promote an
"Order of Widows" to attend upon and work for the
sick and poor. Mr. Weller, senior, expressed his views
somewhat forcibly on the subject of "widders," and
__ ~ held as effective treatment for that painful complaint,
A "SUIT"-ABLE AND SMART" REPLY. the gout, a widder'; especially a wider" posssing
"SUIT"-ABLE AND "SMART" REPLY. a good loud "woice." No doubt the Ritualistic
Young Viear (fasdtiowly):-"WLL, JOHN, HOW SMART YOU AnE THIS "Widders" will be found usefulin doctoring many
MORNING; WHO GAV You THS NEW CLO6THErS? other complaints; anyhow, the Rev. G. C. White being
John (laughing) :-" 'Ess, sim, TEE SAME AS GATe YOU YOURN-THE PARISH, at the head of the movement, they have not got black
sin." [Vicar retires omnehat discomfltte. prospects. We wish the Widders "success.
Lmw us dAsommoir is evidently the popular cry, for yet another
version is announced-Intemperance ; or, The Drunkard's Sin, at the
elephant and Castle. Theatrical managers are evidently familiar
with the "public" taste.
The title of the travestie on this subject at the Folly was changed
at the last moment to Another Drink. As this production is replete
with bright costumes, picturesque scenery, and groups of lovely
damsels, notherDrinkmaybesaidtobeaburlesqueof thelush usshool.
The Park Theatre will shortly produce an adaptation of J.ans Byre,
entitled Poor Relations, by Mr. James Willing. Considering that most
people have an aversion to poor relations, if we were the managers we
should alter the title, especially as the author will be Willing.
Apropos of the success of Miss Bulmer's Opera Bouffe Company at
the Garrick, it is said that her manager, Mr. South, is extremely
popular in the Bast. As he was not successful at the Park Theatre
this is significant, for that house, of course, is in the North West.
It is stated that the management of the Haymarket is an old love of
Mr. Bancroft's, and that in answer to all suggestions of a change his
reply has ever been, "I move only for the Haymarket." We
congratulate him on making so good a move, for as that theatre is
more westerly there can be no doubt it is a move in the right direction.
During her twelve farewell performances at the Haymarket, Miss
Neilson will play Rosalind and Juliet alternately. She was announced
to play the latter every night, but when the manager said, Will
you only play Juliet," she naturally said, No, I will play Rosalind.
As you gile it.
A performance will shortly take place in aid of the family of the late
Mr. Charles Calvert, in recognition of that gentleman's services to
dramatic art, when a number of distinguished literary and artistic
amateurs will appear. We wish it every success. The best way to
remember the dead is not to forget the living.
Fault having been found with the Gaiety dressing-rooms by a
French writer, Mr. Hollingshead says, in reply, It may comfort the
Com6die Frangaise to know that in the despised rooms the late
Charles Mathews passed the last three years of his life." Surely this
is not correct. The gifted comedian was always eccentric, but never
acted so strangely as to live three years in a dressing-room. If he did
it is no wonder he was so full of Gaiety.
We wonder that the singular Sarah Bernhardt did not belong to one
of the London clubs during her stay here. There is no doubt she
would have been eligible for the admirable Oriehton.
From Ear to Ear.
THRRB is a man down West with a mouth so large that the dentist
gets into it when he goes to have a tooth out.
00 2/6 No o.. porTtmp." T COA ESSENCE u
PATTERNS. in US It WILL T ALL WU. .. .
a41 h-i all Statiners; n, d.. 1.. and o,nee Eoxes. Send 7 starnos for an PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
,!orl;ed ampl box tJoIn He r ft70. te..re Street wnirm .n ha.
L U Whol.* wa Ln a J. P- W ELLa o.. .Wh et CdA TION.-JfCao thickens i. the t*ie itirnrs the additie/ftar.h.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcemix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, July 23, 1879.
JuLT 30, 1879.] FUN. 41
.sF^ ~T \".~-..
BENEATH THE SURFACE.
Young Lady:-" OCTING, POOa LITTLE THING? WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTEr?" Boy:-"OH, NOTHIN'-SHR'S GOT A PAIN."
Young Lady:-" GOT A rAzm-wHanB?" Boy:-" OH, OnDERnxATH HER rIINAPOHR."
The Upper House made good its claim to be considered such,
WIMBLEDON, 1879. And beat the "Faithful Commons," but it didn't winby much;
THE nineteenth camp at Wimbledon is over, past, and done, Then Colour-Sergeant Fergusson, who hails from Inverness,
The money has been paid away, the prizes all been won, Pulled off the Bertran-B1jbrto with another H P.S.
And though this year has been the worst, or nearly so, in weather, And Mr. Rigby (Ireland) won the Albert Agyregatee;
It's witnessed better scores than all the others put together. The Henry prize, with M B.L.'s, was carried off by Bates.
'Tis highly probable the next will witness better still, A Fenton won the Halford prize with one point to the good,
The following still better, and the next still better, till McGibbon, of the Lanarkshire," secured the Robin Hood.
Each marksman, though he should take twenty minutes ere he pulls Another Fenton claimed the Curtie-Harvey prize by one-
The trigger of his rifle, will make nothing else but "bulls" MVittie shared with ellish for the Grand consideavllred suchn;
And how they will, in face of that, decide who are to be Th ou, Wks, and LCommons," butce was divided by eighteen,
The lucky winners, I must leave to wiser ones than me. Ten 3olour-'s was Whiteley' (ny rifle) shared between.
This year the money prizes reached the modest sum, they say, The price that by the Mnister for Wanother is yearly given
Of fifteen thousand sovereigns-a thousand sove. a day. For Milit'ry Breechloaders has been won by Major Sgriven.
But there at shooting one must be a real phenomenon Now comes the winner of the Queen's, preliminary stage,
To win a prize of any sort at willbreezy Wimbledon. Who got the silver medal as his honourable gage:
The frst of these phenomena we head the tally with Come, print hio name in little case, that all the world may see,
Belongs to Enfield's Rifle Corps-he's known as Private Smith. McDjONiD, Quartermaster of the 10th Forfar R.Y.
He won the cup the telegraph proprietors present- New York has won the Albert (second stage) by muns of Ferrow,
The Alfred prize was carried ofw by Bran d, a "man of Kent." The Challenge Shield for Pblis hoolr thewas won with ease byHarrow.
Our patron saint's, int. Geof tge', vase w h go and pay again The shooting for the Donegal was reckoned to bewilder-
A vThis year thancient friend St. Andrew's grey domain, The Army tied the Volunteers. Instru tor-S rgeant Gilder
And Private Gentles takes it, he of Stirling's premier corps, Pa day.lled of a prize-the Aders has mourer'. Lieutenant Akrigg
By right of (strange to say) his having made theghnom est score. Secured the Rwinne Derby with a total pretty big.
The Sea-kings daughter's" gracious prize is taken from his peers Then Colonel Wa lrond won the Heath-he's of the "something "
With 65, by Captain Lang, of Bristol's Engineers. Devon,
Which gallant soldier aleo, I am very pleased to state, While Fenton got the A ly Rif Cup with forly-devan.
Pulled off the competition for the Hsgh est Aggreate! Then Alm a, or Cambridge beat the other Foa ter's men,
To lively satisfaction did the Prince of Wales give rise- And won the Plate (the Chancellor's) by just an even ten.
The Old Dominion bore away this keen contested prize; Bo Baker, for the Duke of Cambridge, topped a pretty field,
To "Aheshire fll the Cina Cup, the Belgian vase to "Notts," While Scotland's eight won gallantly the was wo Challenge byhioeld.
The Epaglish twenty beat a score of Erin's crack shots. And now the last, but not the least, by any kind of means,
The prize, ancGlen A fyn-named from where "the Scottish" hold The N.R. gold the Voedallist and winner of the Queen's-
their mess- The champion of Englaud in the rifle-shooting way,
Was won by Bates, of Warwickshire, who made an "H.P.S."- Who made the highest aggregate on record," as they say:
I.E., the highest score a man can possibly put up- O e, print his name in beitals, that all the world may see,
And gunner Webster did the same and won the rniser ACup 'T TAYLO a, of the Palatine," who won with 83.
ToL. xxx. No. 742.
(J'VLY 30, 1879t
FUN'S GUIDE TO LONDON.
Y.-WALK THE THIRD.
AND now let the stranger accompany us all round St. Paul's, not
forgetting the trunkmaker," if we can only find him. The exterior
of the Cathedral is imposing, and so is the interior, the fees for
admission amounting to 3s. 2d., and then there are in addition the
Bishop's charges. It is rather curious that there should be a dispute
as to the height of St. Paul's, but there can be no doubt that from
ene point of view the church is getting higher. The visitor must not
be misled by the inscription Bi Monumentum Bequiris Cireumspiee, to
look round him for the Monument. That stands farther east. Remem-
ber that visitors are expected to speak in a very low tone in the
Whispering Gallery, in order that they may not interrupt the ser-
vices. Young ladies desirous of an interview with Canon Liddon may
go into the Canon's library. Perhaps they will find him there, per-
haps not: we cannot promise. The standard of stature for the minor
canons is 4ft., that being just half the length of the minute hand of
the clock. Sixpence is the price of admission to the galleries; tickets
for the ball cost Is. 6d. The clock is the most striking object in
the Cathedral. We strongly advise the stranger in search of a,
sensation to visit it just before the stroke of noon. The great
bell weighs nearly 12,000 lbs. The loft in which the new bells
are hung is a Court of A Peal. in which Mr. Mackonochie has not
yet made his appearance. We have not space to enumerate the
illustrious dead buried in St. Paul's, but we may mention, as a singular
instance of patriotic prescience, that Lord Nelson's tomb was con-
structed at the expense of Cardinal Wolsey. As the statue of Queen
Anne outside was the work of a very poor sculptor, consideration for
his circumstances prevents us from criticising it. The cost of the
present St. Paul's was defrayed by a tax on coals, which a good many
of the citizens declared to be a burning shame. Part of the church-
yard has recently been turned into a garden, in order to afford the
Canon in Residence a pleasant place of retirement. One of the OCapter
has hitherto been obliged to write his sermons by gaslight in the
neighboring Panyer Alley, resting his MS. on London Stone, as
a sure foundation, because of its inscription-
"When ye have sovght the city rovnd,
Yet still this is the highest grovnd."
The services of the Cathedral are at present open to all, but an
attempt has been made in our own time to exclude charity children, so
perhaps soldiers in uniform will soon be objected to.
Oar references to Old St. Paul's must be characterized by brevity,
and, therefore, let us hope, by wit. When Wren was digging founda-
tions for the new St. Paul's he came upon graves of Saxons lined
with chalkstones," which would seem to show that there had been an
epidemic of gout amongst our ancestors. One of the predecessors of
the present church was more aspiring, having had a steeple 520 feet
high. The old church used to be a public promenade, and the custom
has been tramferred to the walking side of the churchyard, where
lovely (or otherwise) women flutter in front of drapers' shops like
butterflies (or beetles) over flower-beds. Mr. Nicholson's young men
measure silk where bishops of London sported lawn. Of the Episcopal
residence nothing remains but its yard. So far as our researches go,
lawn tennis was never played there. Searching sermons used to be
preached at Paul's Cross, to the E. of the church, and some very
strong language may be heard there still when there happens to be a
large congregation of people. In the N.W. corner of the churchyard,
whatever the weather, you can always find a breeze, and oppo-
site you may make sure of an equally perennial one by going down
Doctors' Commons and purchasing a marriage license. (N.B.-
The stranger must not mistake the old men in aprons for
bishops, and implore their blessing.) By way of Great and Little
Knight Riders Streets-so called from the respective sizes of the
riding knights-he can then go on to the.Heralds' College and
purchase a pedigree. If he takes a dolphin for his crest it i3
pretty sure to be fresh. On returning to the churchyard he will
probably be of opinion that Paul's Chain would have been an appro-
priate locality for Paul's School prisoners, cooped up behind their
gratings* like young bears in a menagerie. The school may be a
very excellent seminary, but itis a pity that Mr. Matthew Arnold is
not appointed inspector of its playground, in order that it might get
a little more sweetness and light. Near by, let the stranger note
the circular top of haunted vaults, into which if he descends he will
find spirits. At the book shop at the Ludgate Hill corner of
the churchyard the Vicar of Wakefield was bought and its author
sold. If the visitor wishes to meet men of letters, let him go into
Paternoster-row at delivery time and he is pretty sure to fall in with
postmen. Rosaries are no longer made in the Row, but owing to its
contracted dimensions, rows often are. Besides publishers, orange-
women have made it their pitch, sometimes even planting themselves
at what is manifestly A-men Corner. If our disciple has personal
literary ambitions, we advise him to get permission to go in, and he
will be able to say that he has been entered at Stationers' Hall.
No. IX.-THE LUCKLESS SCAPEGOAT.
I HERE lurks in the atom I, call my mind
'I ^A somewhat inadequate, undefined
Idea concerning (and failure to see)
/ v Whatever a "fetish" may chance to
Though this, I am ready to own, is
An utterly grovelling mental blot,
Yet, as of a fetish I mean to sing,
I wish I knew something about the
However, I've managed to learn with
N One civilized land had the strange
And sooner than lose it the folks would
iU 111 w It doesn't so very much matter why.
That country becoming involved in
Had sent out an army to clear the score
With threats to alarm and with force subdue-
It doesn't so very much matter who.
The army embarking-upon what day
I can't, from my data, exactly say-
That fetish-'twas settled (I don't condemn)
The army should take it along with them.
But sad to relate-oh, intense remorse I-
It went and fell in with the hostile force-
And then it was stolen or filled a ditch-
It doesn't so very much matter which.
The folks on the spot when they heard the news,
Grew suddenly utterly void of thews,
Officials at home (who were soon advised")
Appeared to be perfectly par-a-lysed.
All flaccid, their jaws and their knees gave way,
They seemed to grow old in a single day,
All fixing their eyes with a glassy stare-
It doesn't so very much matter where.
As soon as the populace heard its fate
They gathered in knots to gestic-u-late,
And said to each other, 'll tell you what,
The party in fault must be promptly shot."
And then the officials all eager came
With zeal to discover the man to blame,
And stay," they observed, the impending row-
It doesn't so very much matter how."
The Lord at the head of the Gov-ern-ment
Remarked, When that ill-fated fetish went,
I told the War-Minister, then and there,
'Twas wholly and solely his own affair."
The Minister gasped-and his words were brief-
"I gave it in care-Commander-in-Chief ;
I'm bound to assert, and the charge is grim,
The re-sponsibility rests with him."
Prisoners' Bars is the only fit game for the place.
JULY 30, 1879.]
Commander-in-Chiet thought it rnht to yield
The charge to the General in the field,
" Who's bound to return it intact agen-
It doesn't so very much matter when."
The General said, Then the blame I fix
On Colonel commanding battalion six; ;"
The Colonel,-" You're partially right, I grant,
But 1 passed it on to the Ad-ju-tant."
The latter then stated he passed it through
In care of the Captain of No. 2,
Who, shrugging his shoulders, remarked with smiles,
I placed it in charge of Lieutenant Giles."
And Giles to this painful effect depones,
I handed it over to Private Jones,
And (very reluctantly) I declare
That Jones is to blame in the whole affair."
'Twas vain for that private to weep and say
The enemy took it and ran away;
They pointed the finger, exclaiming Shame,"
And scorned him for trying to shift the blame.
And soon as his weeps and his wails were spent,
They quietly took him behind a tent,
And into his body they quickly shot-
It doesn't so very much matter what.
MM, HNmET IBVING presides at the second annual dinner of the
Green Room Club held to-day (Wednesday) in the Zoological Gardens.
We compliment the members on their choice of a chairman, but cannot
do so with regard to their place of mneating. It sounds very much as if
they intended "club"-bing with the beasts.
With characteristic and commendable generosity Mr. J. S. Clarke is
going to give six performances of Money at the Haymarket, for the
benefit of the veteran comedian, Mr. J. B. Buckstone. Although it
may be urged that the old gentleman (we mean J. B. B.) has bene-
fited rather muchly, we think if it be a case of necessity no one ought
to grudge so good an actor a week's Money.
Messrs. Joseph Hatton and Arthur Matthison have nearly com-
pleted a drama for Mr. and Mrs. Billington founded upon Mrs.
Burnett's story of Haworth's." This ought to be a success, for the
plot must necessarily be a novel one.
Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan's new comic opera for the Opera
Comique is to be entitled The Bold Burglar. We are glad that it is
distinctly stated to be new, for the title is suggestive of orib." [We
know our contributor means no offence, this is evidently his idea of
cracking a joke.-ED.]
Q0ixcPo.-Judging from the number of pieces produced on the
subject, we should say that there is on the part of the public a great
thirst for Drink. The Worship of Bacchus, by Paul Merrit and H.
Pettit, is powerful work of its kind, but the material is old. The
piece is well put on the stage, and well acted by a good all-round
THE AnnLHAxsw .-The Spanish Students, some twenty in number,
who created a sensation at the Paris Exhibition of- last year, are
engaged here for a limited number of nights. They give their exquisite
performances between the acts of the extravaganza, Venice. They
play on mandolines, guitars, and fiddles. Their execution is simply
marvellous, and calls forth most rapturous applause.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
(All letters addressed to the Editor must be accompanied by the corre-
spondent's baptismal certificate, not necessarily for publication, but as a
guarantee of good faith.)
T TURNERELLI.-We cannot possibly accede to your request for
obvious wreathons. Rejected addresses we are sometimes compelled to
receive, but we could not, under any circumstances, accept a rejected
S. BsBNHAnDT.-Consult some respectable solicitor. We should
think the remark that "you would be a good advertisement for
Allan's Anti-Fat" is decidedly libellous.
C. H. SPURGEON.-We see no reason to alter our opinion. "On,
on, on, were the last words of Spurgeon," is not suited to the pulpit.
We fanny you must have been rather "on" to sav so.
W. E. GLADSTONE.-Your sixteen-page article on "China and
Peru" we have P.rused attentively. It is a very able essay, and we
are sorry we are not able to accept it, but it is scarcely adapted to our
columns. Your pamphlet on "Simla" we have also returned for
BISHOP OF PETEBBoao'.-We have no space for theological corre-
spondence. Our opinion is that cemeteries should not be consecrated
and monopolised by the Church, but all should have Dissent burial.
A DAY IN THE COUNTRY FOR POOR CKILDREN."-We much regret
we have not space for the million and odd letters on this subject, but
the movement has our sincere sympathy.
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER AT GOODWOOD.
HAVE I been to your Goodwood ? So I sall tink. Ah, yes I w a
zare, indeed, I was told I was all> zare. Parblieu! it was a ve
Goodwood, too. I see all ze horses, and ze big-pot people, and ze
little-pot people, and ze great Archare; but, ah, ze ladies on ze lawn
zey were archare still, and la belle Madame Langtree was the most
splendid tree in ze whole Goodwood. How did I get zare P I was
dragged on a box; my friend Jolleedog he was going zire oh his
drag, and he put me in ze box, ah yes! on ze box. I like ze race
certainement, as a mattare of course ; you see, I know your language
at ze boot-tree, ah, yes at the last so well that I make in it le jeu de
mot. Oh I like ze Goodwood Down, but I no care for ze Knocks-
'emdowns. Malheureusement! I tro at ze nut of zso cokare, but I hit
in the stead ze nut of ze poor old man, and ah I he say swear. Apris
cola, I no shy at zo nut of ze cokare or ze aunt Sarah; I am shy of
zem. Yes, ze Prince of Wales he was zare, and, saw; donti, that is
why zare were so many Welshare zare. I like ze bon prince, but I no
like, not at all, ze ozzare Welsh. I go to one Welsh who bet me ten
to one, and I win, and I go for my ten to one, and, vuest he was not
where I had left him. Not so ver long, and I see him encore in
annozzare place, and anozzare hat and coat, and I say, "Give me my
ten to one !" and he say, Go to Blaysis;" and I say, I sall not, I
bet viz you and not viz him I" And ze peoples call out "Welshare!"
and demand of him that he settle, and he no settle, and zen zey say
zey will settle him, and zsy send him flat on ze back on ze ground,
and zat is, I suppose, what ze Welshare mean when he say he will
back ze field.
Of "Course" it Will.
THE Hartington banquet is likely to be a success. The din"
made by a few untractable Radicals below the gangway will sink into
positive insignificance in the comparative doat of a dinner."
.TTLY 30, 1879.
THE COMPLETE ENGLISH BOY.
There is no real vice about the English boy. It is true that when he has a pony to
drive he will pull its jaw off and flay its back with a stick;
kI II ..
And that he will purposely knock out eye3 with stones;
And that he will occasionally burglarise;
Or place stone coping on a line to destroy a train full of human beings;
Or set fire to a ship charitably provided as a home for him; but there Also, there is no real vice in the cat-o-nine-tails, though it will sometimes skin one's bask.
is no real vice in him. And we think that these two vice-less cr atures might so well be introduced to each other I
FUNI--JrLY 30, 1879.
BRAVO, CHELMSFORD !
Cetewayo :-" OH, CHELMY, CHELMY! I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS OF YOU."
JulY 30, 1879.]
Irish Landlord (to his new secretary):-"DorYLE, D'YE HEAR I
WANT TOU TO SEND A TELEGRAM-AT ONES, MOIND-TO O'BRIAN,
ORDERING HIM TO QUIT THE FARM."
.Doyle (after a moment's reflection):-" SOn, MOIGHT I ASK TOUr
HONOR TO WRITE OUT THE TILIGRAM ? SHURE, IF I WROTB IT MISELP
THAT OWLD O'BBIAN WOULD KNOW MI HANDWITIr', AND I'D BE
SHOT DEAD AS BLAZES, SOR."
OURUZEXTRA-SPECIAL AT WIMBLEDON.
SonRLY tried as my temper and patience had been, sir,-and that,
too, without the jury of my countrymen I had a right to demand,-I
stuck to my post, which was, after all, better than sticking to one of
Lord John Manners's pillar-boxes, especially just after it has been
freshly painted, as I know from actual experience.
Yes, sir, after I wrote to you last week my camp-life was varied
by incidents that did not add to the jollity of the soldier's existence
I was leading, or rather, which was leading me into all kinds of
unexpected expenses and annoyance.
Now, I know there is a classic proverb that tells us, in the oracular
manner of most old saws, that "1 e gustibus non est disputandum," but
in spite of that I cannot think there can be two possible opinions
about the particular "gust" which visited us on the 20th. I was
disgusted, and so, I venture to say, were all my comrades,* who were
made forcibly aware of the wind's au-" gust" presence. An old salt
in camp declared that this same wind blew a gale.
"Then I wish," cried I, breathless from running after my best
helmet, that it would blow the gale well away from us whilst it is
I spent Sunday afternoon-but stay-let me put it in a conun-
drummic shape. Why was I like an owner of house-property last
Sunday who employs no agent F-Why, because I was gathering in
my rents !"
The fact was, my tent was slit by the violence of the wind in several
places, so much so, indeed, that I went and looked up a young friend
whose ability in sowing wild oats was generally known, thinking that
he might be a good hand at sewing tears" as well.
I found him in a tearing rage, as it chanced, for his tent had been
blown right over-a fact I was inclined to dispute since, as even he
admitted everything was left just as it had fallen. Nor was his the
only canvas dwelling that had succumbed, for several other men I
In the old days it was a curious fact that the freebooter chief called "come-
raids" the very men who were just going on them-on the raids, I mean.-
Y. E. 8. R.
knew were similarly served ; and all, I may add, were similarly
angry. It] was a case in fact, so to speak, of "imperative mood,
But I must not dwell solely on the disagreeable side, for we were
having an unseasonable July in this Camp; it would be ungrateful not
to remember that we had a Mild-may within its precincts as well.
Not that Captain Mildmay cannot be severe when necessary-oh I
dear no I But then he is never so without good reason-without
sevre-al good reasons, I am almost tempted to say-and the well-
behaved have nothing to fear; so I, you see, was all right.
The man next to me won several small events, and spent most of
his time sitting on a gallon keg of Banitas in front of his tent, and
singing, with curious persistency,
"If ever there was a damp camp,
1I fatter myself this it be," &c., &c., &c.
y the-way, speaking of -8anitas, you will remember, sir, it was a
policy of sanitation the Conservative party was expected to provide
for the country. Personally, I am very sorry it was given up, because
I had determined in due time to make a hit by demanding that, in
consequence of the success of their policy of sewage, we should no
longer speak of Tories and Whigs, but rather of Whigs and sana-
Tories. Insanatories" would be a fitter name for a good many of
them now, sir-would it not P
But I am wandering from my keg of Sanitas, which, by the way, is
now being everywhere adopted, by a kind of sani-tacit understanding,
as the disinfectant of the day; and, as it is equally efficacious in the
dark, of the night also.
DOTS BY THE WAY.
LEa now the cheers for victory ring out,
Wave broad the banner in the gleaming sunm;
Blow loud the trumpet as the people shout,
Another glorious battle has been won;
The Zulu hordes are smitten hip and thigh,
Quick flashed the news across the surging waves,
And through the land the thrilling news doth fly,
Another victory for England's braves.
The Zulu hordes are smitten hip and thigh,
All routed, scattered, flying far away;
The smoke from flaming kraals now darks the sky,
And blurs the God-like light of sunny day.
A victory to wipe away the stain,
And leave a trophy on the soldier graves
That lie unmarked on Isandlana plain,-
Another battle won by England's braves.
And may this be the last we have to tell
Of battles fought or eke of victory won
In this wild war, of which it had been well
That flashing sword had never seen the sun.
May now the snow white banner be unfurled,
And peace with all its loving music ring
Loud joy-bells through the eager, listening world,
And thousands in the happy chorus sing.
Ne Plus Ulster.
SEV RAL M.P.'s asked, on Monda last, why Orange meetings
almost invariably result in more rows and disturbances than other
political and religious gatherings. We think the reason is plain.
"Orange" meetings would naturally be "fruitful" in these respects.
Not Right to a "T."
THE good ship "Bernhard," we notice, laden with grain, has been
totally wrecked. Had the unlucky vessel come with t" instead of
corn it might, like another "Bernhardt," have made a profitable
The Pumps and Vanities, &c.
IN case the Temperance music-hall comes into existence, and ballet
form part of its programme amusement, it will be strictly laid down
that every dancer employed shall appear on the stage in pumps."
PoPPIas are now much worn in ladies' hats. We should rather have
expected to see them on their boots, for you look for poppies where the
corn is, as a rule.
X BEING an unknown quantity, an ex party statement must
surely be that of some person or persons unknown."
[JULY 30, 1879.
AN UNHACKNEYED SIMILE.
Old Gentleman:--"I SHALL REPORT YOU, YOUNG MAN. WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP BEFORE
HERB HAVE I BBEN RUNNING ArFER YOUR 'BUS FOR THE LAST QUARTER OF AN HOUR."
Conductor:-"ALL RIGHT, GUV'NOR, TER NEEDN'T TURN s0 RUSTY; I AIN'T LIKE A
pertater, eyes all over."
Oa, "WHAT DO I PAY FOR ?"
HooRAY I This is delightful I! Let
Me shout with jubilation;
My own particular and pet
And special publication
Has issued-(Oh my heart, replete
With joy that cannot slumber I)-
Has issued-unexpected treat !-
A lovely EXTRA NUMBERa I
And-what is also very nice-
(What grumbler can deny it P)
It costs an EXTRA SPECIAL PRICE,
A DOUBLE price, to buy it!
And further-(how I scorn the elf
Who eould be discontented I)-
This number carries with itself
Such lots of gifts-presented!
For first of all they give, with great
And liberal intentions,
An extra, added, COLOURED PLATE
Of DOUBLE-PAGEB DIMENSIONS!
And then they give a STOaY (more
Than all one's expectations),
Containing OVER HALF A SCORE
Of (gratis) ILLUSTRATIONS !
And even after this, we find
Their thirst for giving stretches
To giving- as a PRESENT, mind I-
A DOUBLE PAGE OF SKETCHES
(Such weaknesses for giving reach
The dignity of passions);
And, furthermore, subscribers each
Receive a PLATE OF FASHIONS !
Proceeding still, they now present-
(That passion still unsated)-
Twelve pages of advertisement,
And MOSrLY ILLUSTRATED;
Such taste for giving, pampered so,
You'd think would prove a sapper
To their resources ? Bless you, no I-
They give a COLOURED WRAPPER.
I'd rush and pay the double price
With wild precipitation-
But prudence holds me, like a vice,
With one consideration :
When I've accepted ev'ry gift
They're bent upon supplying
With such amazing want of thrift,
There's nothtsg left for buying !
THERE is, or was until lately, an advertising
notice at a grocer's door in Chalk Farm-road
to the effect that, The Zulus would soon be
conquered by the British army if supplied
with our 2s. 6d. tea." The ambiguity of this
announcement is only equalled by that of the
Sybil to the Sabine general: Alo teRomanos
MRS. CaHUKLEBRAIN, having taken to the
study of gardening books, is puzzled to make
out why St. John should have tried to
cultivate his wart. She'd have tried to cure
it, she says.
"Open Confessions open to Doubt." Very Like a Whale.
FTHE Whitehall Review states that the Prince and Princess of Wales, A TOURaiT, standing upon an eminence overlooking the city of Rome,
while visiting Belvoir Castle some years ago, contributed with the in describing a picturesque scene on the Tiber, says: "A soft golden
rest of the visitors to a "confession book" kept there-and confessed sunset bathed the wholein a flood of radiance, and I drank in the whole
some of their likes and dislikes. Among other curious items, the view with the most exquisite enjoyment We can give credence to a
Prince admitted his favourite dish to be truffles aux p6rigord, while great many wonderful statements, but that staggers us. If it be true,
the Princess confessed her little weakness tu be the humble Yorkshire what a tremendous swallow that tourist must have I
pudding. The Prince also confessed that his favourite occupation
was improving his mind, but it is some years ago, you know, when Coop-eration.
Wales was a good little boy and not so fond of running over to Paris MANY a "lame duck" in the City wishes that, like other fowls, he
as he is now. could be re-coup'd.
JULY 30, 1879.]
THE TANTALIZING DESCRIPTIONIST.
TO THE EDITOR OF THE WHADYTEBALLIT THINGUMBOB."
I SHOULD err if I did not
Describe this most delightful spot
For such among your readers
As seek a summer halting-place.
It might deserve a little space
Among your splendid leaders" ?
And first, at starting, let me say
I came here just a week to-day
While eve was just advancing;
The prospect was superb-immense !-
But everything in ev'ry sense
Is perfectly entrancing.
But, sir (I will not waste your space),
It is the manners of the place
Which I propose describing:
No meanness here is seen at large,
Nor low deceit, nor overcharge,
Nor flattery, nor bribing.
The visitor who haply stops
To con the labels in the shops,
Expecting high bepraisement
Of all the articles for sale,
Will think his eyes begin to fail
And stare in mute amazement.
The legends which will meet him here
Are such as Pretty good, but dear" ;
Or Partly silk, but thinnish" ;
Or Lacking style "; or We're afraid
Our shop's the dearest in the trade";
Or Scamped; devoid of finish."
And when one enters, free from guile,
The shopman will advance and smile,
Remarking to the starer:-
Our wares are dear; we sometimes cheat;
But Mr. Jones across the street
Is cheaper, sir, and fairer."
And then you go to Mr. Jones,
Who says, in deprecating tones:-
"We're flashy and expensive,
'Tis true; but over there you'd find
A stock-in-trade of sounder kind,
And vastly more extensive."
As from this plan they've never swerved
One has some trouble getting served,
And needs one's best persuading;
The latest thing they'd dream about
Is cutting one another out,
These modest sons of trading.
And when, in course of time, they bring
Themselves to sell you anything,
Then, hurriedly "Good-day "-ing,
They rush away, with fixed intent
To obviate and circumvent
The least attempt at paying.
You call them back, pretending that
A simple weather-topic chat
Is all your poor intentions ;
You try to pay, by this device;
And then they won't accept the price
The window label mentions.
They cry:-" Oh, no! it's far too dear-
A label of a bygone year:
Our boy is so degraded
He will affix the first that come;
The thing is dear at half the sum!
It's out of fashion-faded !"
They eye your cash, and blush, and squirm,
And when they find you very firm
In your determination
To pay the price that's full and fair,
They beg one little lock of hair
As full remuneration.
The butchers, too, about the place!-
They will not send the slightest trace
Of fat, or bone, or gristle;
No I even if you beg and pray
For just one scrap, it's cleared away
As clean as any whistle I
Whole pounds they send you in excess,
Yet charge for infinitely less ;
(They're making me a glutton!)
Among them it's a favoured sham
To send you most expensive lamb
And charge for scrag of mutton.
The cabmen, free from cunning wile,
Declare you haven't gone a mile,
Although you've travelled twenty;
The modest railway booking clerk
Invariably will remark
That Half the fare is plenty."
Then people very far from swells
May revel in the best hotels
And order extras blindly;
For, be your wants however large,
They Couldn't make you any charge
For staying there so kindly I"
Your readers, whether rich or not,
Would be enchanted with the spot,
So I will raise the curtain
Which hides-yet no! I have my doubts-
I won't reveal its whereabouts;
They'd spoil the place, I'm certain.
An individual who styles himself the "Peckham Rye Photographer"
has written to the local journals complaining that the vestry authori-
ties have forbidden him to take his stand on the aforesaid common,
and have therefore deprived him of his livelihood. It appears, how.
ever, that the grievance is that the injured one persists in plying his
"calling" on the Sabbath; hence the difficulty. We think that
whatever differences of opinion may exist as to the opening of museums
on the day of rest, there can be no doubt as to the non-necessity for
this gentleman of taking ways" making Rye faces on that day, and
we see no reason for permitting his conveyance to have carte blanche,
though he may possibly argae that the best day for photography is a
A Cricket Stump.
THE cricket produces the noise so frequently heard on our hearths
by striking its thighs against its wing-cases. Anyone who objects to
this sound may stop it by providing the insects with trousers. When
purchasing, remember to ask for CRICKET RAGS."
[JULY 30, 1879.
A SLIGHT HINT.
Aunt Tabitha :-" TELL YOUR MAMMA, Rosis, I SAID YOU WERE A VERY
GOOD GIRL FOR BRINGING THE LETTER BOUND 80 CAREFULLY."
osie :-" YES, AUNT TABITHA, AND I'LL TELL HER I DIDN'T ASK YOU FOR
A CHILLING, BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME NOT TO, AUNT TABITHA."
THE CAVE, Monday.
DEAR AND EVER-RESPECTED PATRONS,-AI just off to
marry my Anna-no time for more than my Tips for
THE Goonwoon STAKES.
Now which of all the field
Has my approval stampt on P
The future well may yield
The winner in Roehampton;
Velleda's chance is good,
Sign Manual looks gaily,
And, sure, his owner should
Make play with that Shillelagh.
That BRylsone has a chance A 1
Is quite as clear as crystal;
You'll scarcely find a greater gun,
I think, than Antient Pistol;
But though Ri lo to to the post
Appears the foremost marcher,
The animal I fancy most
Is certainly Bay Aroher.
AND THE Cup.
Upon my soul, I back Parole,
If anything I back you men,
Although they say to back Touehet
Is evidence of acumen;
To Pe'er slight (in betting light)
Evinces scant economy,
Still I must say I give the day
To nothing but Ivonomy.
Louis Quartz Shoes.
A GERMAN has invented an "indestructible" boot-
sole; it is made out of waterproof glue and quartz!
He states that the wearer can walk safely in slippery
ways. This clearly shows the different effects of an
outward or inward application of quarts.
WHY do skilled workmen and ploughed fields closely
resemble each other P?-Beciuse the former are able
hands, and on reflection we find the latter arable lands
A MARRIAGE-NOOSE DECIDEDLY PLEASANTER pork the night before this little affair, and to have wended his way
THAN A HEMPEN ONE. into Court bilious and dyspeptic, we wonder whether Mr. Ballard's
romantic little drama or farce (whichever you please) would have
WHEN we attempt murder, and get caught in the act, may, oh, may ended so happily P
we be tried by Mr. Justice Hawkins! That gentleman has been
regularly brimming over with the milk of human kindness at Wor- The Ins and Outs.
center. A Mr. Ballard was placed in the dock before him, charged A YOUNG man named Joseph Heavey has been charged by the
with attempting to cut his sweetheart's throat, and also with attempt- Midland Railway for travelling, without payment, on the roof
ing to commit suicide. It having transpired during the trial that the of a railway fcarriage. As the Act of Parliament only the roofvided
young lady still wished to marry the playful youth, the gallant Judge of a rc y carriage. As the Act of Parliament only provided
gave way to his feelings on the spot, and directed the jury to bring in for offences connected with ridig in a carriage, the delinquent was
released; and it is now perfectly possible that he may proceed against
a very merciful verdict, so that he might let Mr. B. off altogether. the company for false imprisonm sble that he may proceed against
Having done that Mr. Hawkins dropped a fatherly tear or two, and the company for false mprisonment. If he does he is bound to get
announced his intention of buying the ring for them, and, his benevo- Heavey damages.
lent humour becoming contagious, the high sheriff and other magis. An Awkward Mistak
trates bought a special license for the happy pair. Then up spoke the An Awkward Mistake.
grim serjeant, who had had charge of the case, and stated that he A CLERGYMAN made a curious mistake in a church near Rhyl re-
should like to give the bride away-which he did, and flowers were cently. He was about to pray for fine weather, when, somehow or
strewn ad libi um in the pathway of the bride and bridegroom. In other, the poor man got addled, and offered up a rather devout appeal
due course, should a son and heir arrive, it is fair to assume that the for rain. His Rhyl flock are pretty riled with him.
Judge will be godfather-Hawkins Ballard is a good name. We are
always pleased to find a Judge taking a merciful view of a case, but How absurd it seems to talk of the mean quantity of rain in
if Mr. Hawkins had happened to have eaten a heavy supper of roast Ireland.
CHADWICK'S T CADBURY'S
SEWING COC OpAA .ESSENCE r
CHAD CI s PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING. Tke,. P.n neither catchh on the paper nor spurt te ink.tn.
COTTON N OTHW i C crTION.-If C..tie .. irk- iA esp it -,#o etee aiti. 1.t A So B
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Pablished (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.O.-London, July 80, 1879.
AUG. 6, 1879.] F U N 51
Artist:-"W aLL, JoN, TEING, ABB LOOKING RATEBB LCK --,
Joh:-"A MEa B, AWB THNKIN I COO DO ABOUT A" OD M8BN-OOT 0 T BLACKINPOT.
A BRUSH UP.
Artist "WELL, JOHN, THINGS ARE LOOKING RATHER BLACK-EX 1"
0Toh l:-" A E, HEASTER, AWSE THINKING' I COOD DO ABOUT AS GOOD TYSEN-OOT 0' T' BLAOKIN'-POT."
OFF FOR THE HONEYMOON-TIPPING UNDER DIFFICULTIES- THE
BRIGHTON STAKBS-THE OLD MAN DEFINES HIS POSITION-AND
SHOWS HE IS RIGHT AGAIN."
BRIGHTON STATION, Monday.
MY FIDGETY AND EXCITING PATRONS,-(Having "married money"
I am now enabled to enjoy the luxury of saying what I think.) I
told you in my last I was coming down to do it. I have done it, and
we are just off to Slushby-super.Mare to spend the honeymoon. Some
gay young sparks of the wedding party signalised our departure by a
shower of slippers and rice, and a considerable portion of the latter is
at the present moment irritating my temper and excoriating my back ;
my hand and eye are also a trifle unsteady and unreliable, in conse-
quence, probably, of my having partaken of something deleterious at
the recent breakfast; under which painful disadvantages I am writing
my Tip for the Brighton Stakes on a leaf of my pocket-book in the
Gentleman's Waiting-room, while Anna is titivatingg" in the
TIP FOR THE BRIGHTON SrAKES.
The race begins, Belphabe wins
(Or some will be expecting it),
But I must say West Wind will pay-
Extremely-those neglecting it.
The Antient Pis-tol does, 1 wis,
For soldier or civilian,
Who'd make a pot" must clearly not
Ignore lithe Maximilian.
But, though you try to keep your eye
Bay Archer on exclusively,
Mycenas seems to haunt your dreams
And show himself obtrusively.
Velleda comes, 8hillelagh drums,
And Exmouth struts conceitedly-
This tip you'll see exhibit the
Success I've had repeatedly.
There-having (as I said before) "married money," that is about
the last tip I shall write under pressure. No doubt I shall send one
now and then, just to liven up the pages of this otherwise dreary
journal, and to show there's no ill feeling, but that will only be when
I am in the humour and as a particular favour, I can tell you. I have
had quite enough of the continual badgering for copy" and ungentle-
manly limiting of my right to draw upon him of an overweening Editor,
and a trifle too much of abusive correspondence from those who
haven't sufficient intellect to understand my tips. I've had to grin
and bear it all, or the pittance (miserably inadequate as it was) that I
was enabled to earn could have been promptly discontinued. But I
mean to have my revenge now ; often and of en will give the wrong
horse, and if anyone abuses me ['1l abuse them back again and punch
my youthful Editor's curly head if he makes any difficulty about
putting it in.-Yours triumphantly, Tuoru'oNIus.
P.S.-Who gave you Bay Archer and Isonomy for the Goodwood
Stakes and Cup in these words: -
The animal I fancy most
Is certainly Bay Archer."
Still I must say I pive the day
To nothing but Isonomy."
P.S. 2. Account of my wedding, &c., in my next.
A Bad Example.
THE other day a person of the name of Luther was summoned
before a police magistrate for a cowardly assault upon a poor flower-
girl, and very properly sent off to prison in consequence. If there
were anything in a name, something much better might have been
expected from him; for this Lather is himself evidently in much need
of a reformation.
THERE is an ingenious Yankee who has turned the scream that runs
by his house to account by making it rock his child's cradle. "Rock"
a cradle I Then it must be a petrifying stream Is there not a danger
it will turn the baby to stone also P
VOL. Xxx. No. 743
FUN'S GUIDE TO LONDON.
VI.-WALK THE FOURTH.
NExT let the stranger visit Cheapside and its purlieus, and if in
want of refreshment after his wanderings he can walk into the
Poultry. Cheapside is somewhat famous for its places of refreshment,
which, although Cheap houses, are not nasty. Indeed, a fragrance
of good cheer hangs over the great thoroughfare and its affluents ; at
one end the aforesaid Poultry and at the other a statue of candid Peel,
on one side Milton's Bread-street and on the other Milk-street, the
birthplace of More-we do not mean of Miltons. Close by is Honey-
lane, so that it is strange that the Israelites did not build their first
synagogue in this land of milk and honey, instead of in Old Jewry.
Then there is Grocers' Hall. Grocers, by-the-bye, are not nearly so
chary of admitting persons into their company as they have been
represented. At any rate, we have never found any difficulty when
we have had an order to give. Grocers were originally called
Pepperers, in allusion to their Christmas bills. Let teetotalers con-
gratulate themselves on the fact that ever since grocers were licensed
to sell wines and spirits their female customers' consumption of tea
has prodigiously increased. Thomas A Becket was born on the site of
Mercers' Chapel, but never preached in it, whatever anyone may say
to the contrary. We are not aware that anybody ever did say any-
thing to the contrary, but it is well to guard against contingencies.
The handsome Hall of the Goldsmiths hides behind the General Post
Office, as if, most unnecessarily, ashamed of itself. Within may be
seen a portrait of the writhing under the tongs of St. Dunstan,
who, it is not generally known, jovially remarked to him, Come, old
fellow, you must have a nip-hot or cold ?' Saddlers' Hall, in
Cheapside, is very proud of its funeral pall, which would seem to
show that the Company does not long expect to survive.
Guildhall, like many ancient beauties, wears a false front. Its two
giants are intended to typify the civic appetite for liquids and solids,
although, according to some authorities, their names are a corruption
of Grog and More Grog. Distinguished personages are invited to the
Lord Mayor's banquet, which follows his show, on the 9th of Novem-
ber (suggestions have been made that it should be held four days
earlier) in order that they may give information on home and foreign
affairs, but they generally prefer to discuss those they find on their
plates and in their glasses.
At No. 71, Cheapside, Keats wrote his sonnet on Chapman's Homer
-apropos of which we can relate a hitherto unpublished anecdote.
The young poet, though not a great scholar, was an omnivorous
reader, and chancing to stumble, in a table-book, upon the following :
-" 10 Baths make 1 Homer," he at once went and took a dozen
dips (to make sure) in the Peerless Pool. Let the visitor note the elm
at the corner of Wood-street. Wordsworth* says there's a thrush
that sings in it, and has sung for three years. Perhaps so, but we
never heard it, and should think it must be rather tired by this time.
Rooks have built in the tree, but there are more crowded rookeries in
Manchester has marched on Cheapside and annexed its tributaries.
If the visitor's curiosity should lead him to wander in that silent
wilderness of warehouses after business hours he must be upon his
guard, since the solitary policeman, interrupted in a flirtation with a
solitary housekeeper, may resentfully feel inclined to take a young
man from the country into custody on suspicion of prowling about the
"Reverie of Poor Suean."
[AUG. 6, 1879.
padlocked premises for unlawful purposes. In Gresham-street, which
the great carriers have selected for their head-quarters on account of
its narrowness, in order that their business may be conducted with the
dignified leisureliness becoming a great city, stands Gresham
College-a night-school, in which anyone can obtain gratuitous
instruction in the seven liberal sciences. It is said that the School
Board is about to take over the College, and to enlarge its curriculum.
There used to be tournaments in Cheapside, but now the carts only
have tilts. The thoroughfare was also celebrated for its goldsmiths,
and it is still famous for its watchmakers. An enterprising member
of this trade takes great pains to put not only his own countrymen.
but also shrewd Yankees up to the time of day, and yet he is himself
In the vaults of St. Mary de Arcubus, or Bow Church, the Court of
Arches, or Arch Court, used to be held. It was so called from the
liveliness of ecclesiastical cases. The Bow Bells, famous in the history
of Dick Whittington, have gone the way of all old beaux and belles;
and, since their successors cannot be heard upon Highgate Hill, those
born there pretend they are not cockneys; but their speech bewrayeth
Bucklersbury's druggist shops are said to have saved it from the
plague in olden times; but it has not been able to escape the pick and
shovel in our own. We must turn down what is left of it to have a
peep ac St. Stephen's, Walbrook, one of Wren's most celebrated
churches, all elegance and even grandeur." If the stranger does not
see this (and, indeed, an old bookshop is the most striking feature of the
exterior of the church), it is because he does not see into it.
Let the tourist bring his stethoscope with him for our next walk, as
we are about to examine the heart of the City.
MATILDA JANE, of Putney Pier,
Of me you shall not win renown-
You thought to make me play the part
Of laughing-stock to all the town.
No more beguiled, I'm getting riled,
I'd like to swear (by anger fired)
A specimen of servant girls
You are not one to be desired.
Matilda Jane, of Putney Pier,
At length I spot your little game,
You pick from ev'ry plate of mine,
And treat my bottles much the same;
How can you take from my sweet cake
The bit that all foundation saps F
A simple dumpling made of flour
Is worth a hundred stolen scraps.
Matilda Jane, of Putney Pier,
Some meeker master you must find,
If you've a taste for taking fizz "
Go-search for one who doesn't mind.
You've meat and drink enough, I think;
I care not if you do deny,
The line of pork upon those plates
Is not more cold to you than I.
Matilda Jane, of Putney Pier,
You put strange memories in my head,
Where has that soldier person flown P
Your sister's husband-so you said.
Pooh! I despise your low replies,
At such attacks I simply sneer;
That man has had not, I suppose,
My sample cask of bitter beer ?
AUG. 6, 1879.]
Matilda Jane, of Putney Pier,
A grim inspector's in the hall,
A bobby's at the kitchen door,
And both are waiting till I call.
You held your course without remorse
To turn my dips to kitchen fat,
And though you talk until you're hoarse,
I won't believe it was the cat.
What's thit ? Jane, of Putney Pier-
These things, you say, where'er you went
As "perks" you've had 'em all your life P-
So cooks I've heard do represent.
Howe'er it be, it seems to me
It's time these pilferings should cease,
Kind hearts are more than perquisites,
And simple faith than pots of grease.
I know you, Jane, of Putney Pier,
With selfishness you are imbued,
The languid light of your dull eyes
Displays no sense of gratitude;
I waste my health amassing wealth,
And, while to find you bread and cheese
I occupy my precious time,
You needs must play such pranks as these.
Jane, oh I Jane, of Putney Pier,
If time were heavy on your hands,
Could you not clean the kitchen grate,
Or polish up the cruet-stands F
But with some organ-boy, no doubt,
Costumed as organ-girl, you'll show,
For you and I must promptly part-
Matilda Jane, you'll have to go.
*A.FELT SLIPPER.-One thrown at your head.
THE LIBERTY OF THE SUBJECT INTERFERED
A RussIAx despotic sort of influence seems to be creeping into our
home affairs. A sad case came before the Bow-street magistrate last
week. Some time ago one Mr. Fitzgerald, having perpetrated a few
" assaults and doing bodily harm," it was thought that a little calm
reflection would be good for his health; so he was consigned to
durance vile for a period of five years. The good fellow performed a
portion of his Pentence satisfactorily, received a ticket-of-leave, and
returned to the bosom of his family.
But alas I one fell day, having threatened" his wife, this injured
mortal is dragged off to Bow-street, and, being convicted of the above,
he not only suffers for it specially, but also is sent back to his original
quarters at Chatham Prison to work out the rest of his previous
sentence. His neighbours, feeling the whole groundwork of society to
be shaken by such tyranny, sign a touching and simple appeal on
behalf of the prisoner, alleging that "he never molested any one
except his wife." However, this was of no avail, and society will
have to get on without Mr. Fitzgerald for some time.
When that worthy does come out, for good or bad, he and his kind
neighbours will be able to mourn together over the fact that in this
barbarous country even a wife cannot be "molested without entail-
SAYS Poingdestre to Grissell, Come back, Mr. G.-
Come back, and be quodded at once."
Says Grissell in reply, Do you see in my eye
Any green,-do I look like a dunce P
And a dunce I should be, if I went back with thee;
A dunce, say I P-rather a dolt.
Locks are all very well, but the Speaker please tell
I prefer for my own part-a bolt."
DowN by the low piers loll the yachts-
None of your three-decker pleasure craft,
Doing an hour-the number of knots
A First Lord only could say; with lots
Of engines, telegraph, fore and aft.
N.ot a bit in the "Sunbeam way;
But trim small cockle-shells gay of mien,
And modest, knowing they're small and gay,
And heavy and huge are things that pay
Over the world since the world has been.
Tom Thumb argosies, loll ye yet,
There off the boat-yards, and off the piers,
The Solent waters worry and wet,
Are lilliput sails still furled and set-
Set unto laughter and furled with tears F
Pierce the forest by Brocklehurst
On some old lingering Lyndhurst screw,
And see if the barks are bright as erst,
The roofs as red, and the skies as blue,
The town as sleepy and salt-immersed. ,
Totter and tumble down the street-
Mayor, Town Council, whoe'er ye be,
I'll curse ye well if you male it neat-
The rough old roadway that punished me,
The dear old road to the toy-shop fleet.
All things smell of the salt and sap,
The spray of beeches (with e or a);
And leaves are whispering, wavelets lap;
Come-you'll see in a slumberous way
Steep streets-some pretty feet, it may hap.
Ah! to freshen the feebled mind,
There, where the ocean and forest meet.
Oh, to feel in the odorous wind
All the sweet breaths that can make man sweet,
Naiads and Dryads, fair, cool, and kind !
A Stirring Matter.
NOTHING so surprised the French visitors at the Man-
sion House the other day as the fact that the loving "-
cup went round without even a single "spoor
"LIKE A BEARD."
Youth:-" YES, IT is curIous I HAVEs NO BEARD; I CA'T THINK WwO I
TAKE AFIER-MY GRANDFATHER HAD A SPLENDID ONE."
Hair Cutter:-" OH, PERHAPS YOU TAKE AFrBR YOUa GRANDMOTES R."
Auot. 6, 1879.
'onwnting its Irreps'essibi ity4, its UnthWarta61effeS, if$ Undy'ing Perstesvrarcc.
Yes I there was that garden-eat digging before his very eyes
He was a determined man; he built a wall too high for mortal eat to scale; then that He lined the wall with iron plates; then that cat made itself light
cat made itself thin and crept through an air-hole in the mortar, and floated over.
He roofed the garden (being a determined man and one day he went to watch a great worm He got a spade and chopped; and each bit of that cat became a
wriggling in the grass, and it was that cat coming up through the ground tail foremost, new cat. It was a determined cat I
F-JUTJN--AUG. 6, 1879.
CLEANING HIS BOOTS.
" SO FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, THE WAR IS OVER."-Lord Chelmsford, after the victory of Ulundi.
AuG. 6, 1879 ]
IN THE STREET.
Smith (noticing srme exoavations):-" Halloal 'what are they up to
here. Eh, Brown ? "
Broun:-" Oh, strengthening the drains."
8mith :-" Good gracious! I always thought the drains too
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT THE BEE SHOW.
Sn cx I was stung by a dumbledore at the early age of five-seeing
the pains it can inflict, I think a dumble-window" would be a more
suitable name for this ponderous insect-I have always had a mingled
feeling of fear and admiration for the British bee.
One of the earliest little songs Ilearned to recite was the well-known
lyric of Dr. Watts, "How doth the little busy bee "-or "buzzy"
bee, as I say now I am developed into a funny man-" improve each
shining hour," and so on ; and to this day I can well remember the
row of hives at the end of our back garden, behind the lavender
bushes, and the periodical "brush" we had with the angry tenants
when we deprived them of their accumulated "comb."
Taught early that bee-keeping was on the one hand as easy as
"A Bee C," and on the other most profitable so far as s. d. went, I
have more than once attempted to establish a hive' or two in my
suburban backlet. But my efforts have hitherto proved vain, or at all
events it has been a case of more kicks than halfpence, or, rather, more
whacks than honey, with me, and my swarm have never brought me
in enough even to pay for the frying-pan I generally spoilt.
But, though unsuccessful as a bee-keeper, I have still always felt
great interest in the experiments of others, as a bee-holder, so to speak ;
and the recent show numbered me amongst its most frequent and
I flatter myself that the members of the committee knew me
intimately long before the show finally shut; I used to bother them
every day with my searching questions. Thus, at the close of my first
visit, I said to the general secretary, Yes, I admit that your exhibi-
tion shows plainly how a man can keep bees; but what I want you to
explain to me with equal clearness is how bees can be made to keep a
man, or, at any rate, say half keep him ?" The secretary promised to
lay my proposition before his committee; but w other he so laid it or
not it was never hatched, and nothing really came of it.
On the second day I was not very serious, I confess, in "asking a
pompous-looking member of the Bee-keepers' Association why glass
hives were preferable to straw ones; but he need not have been so
hurt when I explained to him that of course the busy insects in the
former, knowing their masters' eyes would be on them, would be on
I regret to say that my offer to read a paper On the Advantages of
Using Honey-Dew in Smoking Bees" was rejected by the committee,
as well as a resolution I put forward that, for the sake of the bees
themselves, the next exhibition should be held in the Floral Hall.
I ventilated another novel project of mine, which was, that it would
pay to keep bees in every theatre in which a fashionable audience was
accustomed to assemble; it being my contention that when once the
industrious little creatures had learned to fly by night they would be
able to gather a quantity of high-class honey from the button-hole
flowers of the gentlemen and the bouquets of the ladies, to say
nothing of the great feast they would get on the benefit nights of a
popular actress or prima donna. How well they would come in, too,
in the rural scenes of a realistic drama, I need not point out.
But this plan, too, was pooh-poohed, and in despair I actually re-
frained from even bringing forward my design for founding a chair
for a Professor of Bee-keeping at St. Bees' College.
I was much pleased to meet an American Bee-master at the show,
who takes his bees about with him in a barge when he is at home,
anchoring from time to time off any especially good honey-yielding
district, and then going on to another when the former has been ran-
sacked of its sweets. He assured me that like that eminent low
comedian, Mr. J. L. Toole, his bees alwa3 s came home to tea," and
asked me if the often-quoted arrangement according to which Scotch
Highlanders go about with bees in their bonnets was not a variation
of his plan, adapted on account of the scant vegetation of Scotland,
and the inability of the bees to gather enough honey without being
"taken around by their masters.
I need not reproduce my answer here to the above question, because
that Yankee bee-master may see this paper, and he would not think if
he saw my reply in FON that I had given it him in earnest.
The show closed with a meeting of the committee and iLterested
members of the public, and I then publicly moved that the motto of
the Association should be "Now we're buzzy !" with a Be's sting
rampant" as its crest.
A mild-looking gentleman, who was said to have lost money by Bee-
keeping, moved as an amendment that the Society's motto should be,
To Bee I or, Not to Bee I "
The amendment was about to be put to the meeting, when a party
on the back seats stood up, and addressing the chair declared that
"Hivery was better than glass for the purpose of Bee-leeping."
He was promptly hissed down, but rising again asked loudly what
was the real purpose of Bee-ing ; adding in sotto voce that he hoped
any-one who wished to interrupt would do so in a wasper."
The discussion was then resumed, and when I left, at a late hour,
the meeting was hotly discussing the question whether or not bees
used cieling-wax for the roof of their hives I!
AH, CRUEL FATE I
THAN me no more unfortunate the world has ever known,
For Fate has been against me from my birth,
For misadventure's freakish tricks no luck can now atone,
No more unlucky chap than I on earth.
Whatever I've attempted 's failed, and yet I beg to state
Whene'er I had appointments with the wealthy or the kind,
And ran my very best to catch the train,
No matter when I started I was always left behind,
And someone else my favours would obtain.
It's always been my lot in life to be for ever late,
I loved but once, I love her still, though someone else's now,
I worshipped her in silence for some years,
I always put off telling her the fact, and so somehow
She's married, and I mourn my lot with tears:
She's Robinson's, I know too well, she should have been my mate,
That a Fate.
I tried to be a journalist, and should have made a name,
And won myself unnumbered piles of gold,
But while I waited patiently for fortune and for fame
The news I had to write about got old;
Still had it all been otherwise I'd now been something great,
I once was thought good-looking, and I know I had a way
Of captivating everyone I met,
But that's long since; the proverb says "Each dog will havehis day,"
Mine's come and gone, andI'm not happy yet;
Once I was young and nice, but now I'm old and out of date,
i' Oh, wasted life and withered hopes! Thank goodness I can rail
At Fortune, rightly represented blind,
For idle mediocrity knows what it is to fail
In health, in love, in business, and in mind.
Of golden chance neglected let wealthy boobies prate,
Latest from Westminster.
WHY was the prisoner of the House of Commons like a theatrical
advertisement in the Times ? Because he was Under the Clock."
A SocIAL PARAnox.-Men eat exceptionally good and heavy dinners
on their fast" days.
MUSHRooM SAUcE.-Upstarts' impudence.
A JUVENILE ACROBATIC FEAT.
Grandpapa :-" WHAT ON EARTH IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, TOMMY ?
YOU HAVE BEEN CRYING ALL THE MORNING."
Tommy :-" So WOULD Iov CRY, 100, GRANDPAPA, IF YOU FELL DOWN
TWICE WITHOUT GETTING tP ONCE."
THE WHITE CAT.
A LEAF FROM A FASHIONABLE SPoRTING NOVEL.
LORD HUGO D'EMBRASURE was the Iew idd e of a sibreur, and as he
strode into the grand stand at the Maimham steeplechases the light
boards creaked and groaned beneath the warrior's tread. Following
the fashion of his ancestors, he was in full martial panoply. His
massive helmet, with its nodding plumes, surmounted a pair of flash-
ing black eyes and a monstrous tawny moustache, his gleaming
breastplate enfolded a massive chest of superhuman width and un-
paralleled depth. His legs were a poem, the beauties of which his
enormous jack boots could not conceal, and many a fair one's heart
beat high as this six foot five of manliness entered the ladies' balcony.
He bowed haughtily as timorous greetings from ruby lips fell upon
his enormous ears, and looked with a scornful glance upon the eager
upturned faces of the lovely damazels that paid their court to him.
"Hugo here! 'Tis well!" cried little Dolly of the Guards. "Then
I am saved. Hugo, my jockey is killed. There is no one to ride
Proserpine but you."
"Je suis vwtre homee" replied that splendid warrior, the Lord
Hugo d'Embrasure, in that thin, almost squally voice which had
thrilled so many a poor deserted one upon her deathbed.
Take this," said Lord Hugo, as sternly as nature would permit,
as he unbuckled the terrific sabre which had made so many homes
desolate, and laid it in Lady Plantagenet's lap.
"Mind that," he continued, depositing his monster helmet, plumes
and all, on Lady Rohesia's knees, and the salt tears of gratefulness at
the honour thus gracefully bestowed upon her coursed down the Lady
Rohesia's aristocratic nose and dripped on the burnished headpiece.
And now for Proserpine," he cried, but as he turned to leave the
stand a delicately-gloved hand stretched forth detainingly. He, bold
strong chevalier as he was, shuddered as he recognized it; yet a mad
infatuation urged him to raise his eyes to meet the face for which he
cherished so wild, insane, unrighteous, and overwhelming a passion.
[A.uG. 6, 1879.
ON THE STUMP.
I NEVER shall turn out a hand
In making a popular speech !
The stump's oratorical stand
Is one that I never can reach.
Ideas that come in a host
By words are all frightened away;
Here stands "-I'd assert it-'" a post! "
If even a word I could say I
* In spite of applause that is thump'd
By hands, and umbrellas, and sticks,
I get most decidedly "stump'd,"
And come to a regular fix "
I'll never attempt it again-
I look on speechmaking with scorn I
Because 'tis exceedingly plain
I am not an orator born !
"Mangling Done Here."
IT has been asserted for years past by the old martinets
that "The service is going to the dogs," and from the
fact that a Co-operative Laundry has just been estab-
lished, the principal directors of which are military
officers, it does not look unlike it.
Grim-visaged war hath smoothed his wrinkled front:
And now, instead of mounting barbed steeds,
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He "-devotes his time to Stores Co-operative,
And manages a London laundry.
After this our military men must not be surprised if
the laundrymaids of the metropolis apply for appoint-
* ments in the army-a state of things which would never
do, seeing that the army already suffers from the
presence of too many "old women." Seriously, it is
neither necessary nor nice for officers to mix themselves
up with the washing of dirty linen. We must draw the
line somewhere, and we draw it at the clothes line.
What Great Events, &c.
IT seems that Sir Garnet Wolseley would have himself
commanded our forces in the field at Ulundi, had it not
been that the surf prevented his landing soon enough.
One would hardly expect that so slight a matter could
be able to baulk a High Commissioner; it proved, how-
ever, quite surf-ficient.
It was she who, in the sanctity of smoking-rooms, men called "the
"Win this race for me, Hugo," said she. "'Tis Iwho ask it-I
who never yet craved favour of mortal man."
I will," he answered. "I swear it by the horloge de mon grand-
Houp la-Alla-a-ay !" shouted the beau sabreur, cracking his whip,
and off the horses sped upon their wild career. Six feet five of
martial magnificence piloted the splendid little mare over the course;
'twas in vain-she stumbled, and would have fallen under his enormous
weight. Planting his feet firmly on the ground, one on either side
of her, he lifted her by the bridle and put her at the first fence. She
refused it. Then the deep lines upon his face grew deeper, then his
stern mouth was firm set, while through his clenched teeth came
hissing strange aristocratic oaths in a variety of foreign tongues.
Bien Je 8sun soufl!" he muttered; and a great cry rose from the
countless crowd that Proserpine was done for.
Pas 8ij le sais !" he cried, while a contemptuous smile curled his
moustache like a ram's horn.
He jammed the spurs into the mare's sides till they met, but all to
no effect; and he almost despaired when a derisive shout from the
crowd nerved him to fresh exertion. Walking off the saddle, he with
one swing of his mighty arms placed Proserpine upon his back; hold-
ing her fore legs well over his shimmering breast-plate, he charged
the fence, and rising at it like a bird he, with his strange burthen,
landed safely on the other side. Roused by the cheering of the throng,
he ran with the speed of the wind across the heavily-ploughed field,
regardless of the kicks and struggles of the mare, for such was his
strength he hardly felt the weight he bore. On, on he sped, taking
all the jumps in the most approved style, till in the straight run home
he distanced all competitors, and Lord Hugo d'Embrasure, ridden by
Proserpine, was the winner of the Maimbam Steeplechase.
Roughly he pushed his way back into the ladies' gallery. He
AVe. 6, 1879.] FU N 69
heeded not the cries of those whose corns he crushed; he scorned to
pause to reclaim his tear-stained helmet, he left his sabre to rust on the
Lady Plantagenet's lap, and forced his way to where the White Cat
reclined in the conscious majesty of her beauty.
Are you satisfied ?" he asked. What is my guerdon F"
She smiled upon him, and without a word handed him with her own
dainty fingers a sandwich from the luncheon basket.
Though the act was simple, a gleam of satisfaction lit his eyes, and
a sardonic smile played about his mouth. To others the present
meant-nothing ; but he knew-knew but too well-the significance
of the gift.
(Not to be continued.)
THEESKELETON AT THE (BEAN) FEAST.
T is, though sad,
o Profoundly true
One skeleton at ev'ry feast,
o To whisper any earthly joy
May never be without alloy;
SLet this be had
/ WIn constant view!"
The author met
A joyous throng
Who, judging by their mirthful
Designed to feast upon the bean ;
Who, wooing pleasure to a man,
: I rfl Engaged a light commodious van
S'' And outward set
To speed along.
Nor did they ask
The joys which mar
Fair moderation's peace of mind,
Nor lurked there aught of prurient kind
Amid the pleasures they pursued;
The jest, though roughly-hewn, not rude,
The gentle flask-
The mild cigar.
Yet while the mirth
Found greatest height,
And Innocence that plied the reins
Sped that fair van through verdant lanes ;
A sound athwart the welkin tore,
That crushed the heart upon its core,
And chilled the earth
With grim affright..
Then-who is found
To marvel F- each
Grasped at the arm of him hard by
And glanced, half shrinking, in his eye,
As though the horror there might live;
What marvel that each lip should give
Unknown of speech ?
And lo! now there
With aspect dread
One sits beside the driver's seat
Who hath no pleasure in the "treat,"
Nor yet was bidden as a guest,
Yet ever haunts, with strange unrest,
Such treats allwhere,
Till joy is dead.
And in his hand,
And to his lip
Was that no word shall name nor speak,
For sheer affright, and fearing eke;
And to his lip, and in his hand
Was that Dread's self shall understand,
By Fate well planned
To mar the trip I
Then they to whom
The Bean is dear
Heard this refrain that murmured round,
Of earthly joys shall none be found
But hath its bitter counter-sting '
Whereon that Weird One blew that THING
And wedded Gloom
With haggard Fear I
Then these who hold
The Bean so dear
Let gladness go, let frolic die,
What time they set themselves to ply
That GHASTLY ONE with many drinks,
Particularly one that links
Rude gin with bold
And potent beer,
With aim to bring
So dire a load
Of weightfal sleep upon his brain,
That that Unbidden One in vain
Might strive, through wavering intent,
To blow that direful instrument;
Nay, drop the THING
Upon the road.
But shall such means
Avert the Doom P
No 1 still he blew an endless string
Of organ-ballads on the THING ;
And they who loved the Bean of yore
Yielded the feast for evermore,
And, loathing Beans,
Forecraved the tomb.
MB. IRviNG's.next season will commence on the 20th of September,
and during the first week he will appear as Sir Edward Mortimer in
The Iron Chest. After his trip to the Mediterranean he will naturally
be strengthened (his company could hardly be stronger than it was),
and the part of Sir Edward is Chest the one in which he will be very
strong. He will also appear as The Stranger. We cannot in this case
say, Welcome, little Stranger." As Beverley in The Gamester he will
be very fine, for his Hamlet is remarkable for the intensity of the
A new play from the scholarly pen of Mr. Frank Marshall will
always be hailed with delight, and his drama, founded on the romantic
and pathetic story of Robert Emmett, is looked forward to with excep-
tional interest. It is said to be ready," and, we doubt not, will be
full of "ready" wit.
The Bnckstone benefit commenced on Tuesday at the Haymarket,
and will be continued till Saturday, the 9th inst. We trust the friends
of the old a-tor will not forget him in his misfortune. These represen-
tations will be followed by a short Shakesperian season with Mr. Barry
Sullivan as the particular star. We wish him luck, and hope many may
be tempted to go star gazing during his stay.
The members of the Court Theatre Company have presented Mr.
and Mrs. John Hare with a handsome set of diamond ornaments. We
suppose this was in consequence of their brilliant success.
Rumour has it that Mr. J. L. Toole will hire the Prince of Wales's
Theatre when Mr. and Mrs. Bancroft vacate it. There have been so
many rumours on the subject that we shall not believe it until we hear
it from a higher authority.
Miss Genevieve Ward commenced her season at the Lyceum on
Saturday last with a new play by Messrs. Palgrave Simpson and
Claude Templar, entitled Ztlah, in which she sings a new song by
Chas. G. Leland in the most ez-Zllah-ating manner.
Mr. Arthur Sketchley has started with Mrs. Brown for Australia,
but previous to visiting the Antipodes he will perform at the Cape of
Good Hope for six weeks. When, however, he does reach Australia
the Colonials will doubtless endorse our opinion that he is an enter-
tainer of great Cape ability.
It is stated that the Coffee Musical Hall Company I Limited) is in
active negotiation for renting the Victoria Theatre. We trust if this
comes to pass that the Jingo element will be eliminated from the
Music Halls, as to be consistent the new Company should be temperate
in their language if they are to be Vie "-tory-vs.
A TESTIMONIAL on a large scale has been presented to Mr. W. G.
Grace, the famous gentleman cricketer, on his retirement from
handling the willow and upon his commencing to practice as a doctor.
We have nothing to say against this Graceful recognition of England's
champion beyond that the amount presented should have been placed
in a "willow" pattern plate. We cannot agree, however, in his
choice of a profession; we think he should devote himself to dentistry,
as he would be so good at drawing the stumps.
" A WIND that carries whole sugar-crops before it may fitly be called
THu ROYAL RoAD TO MARMIAaE.-Going to Court.
\ ~ wJIJ /
WET AND DRY.
First Bathing Woman:-" DRY WOaK, BETsY I "
Second Bathing Woman:-" AYE, AND A WET THROUGH INTO THE BARGAIN."
A HUSBAND'S LAMENT.
How you vary!
Let me ask you whether
X ourself you find
In the same mind
For two whole days together ?
"Return of the Old Favourite."
THE ways of popularity, like the
heathen Chinee, are peculiar. Not long
ago, when Mr. Gladstone appeared in
public, he was greeted with groans, but on
Thursday last, when he visited the Hay-
market Theatre, the audience fairly rose
at him, and round after round of applause
testified to his restored popularity, one or
two biases only serving to increase the
enthusiasm. Boxes, pit, and amphitheatre
seemed to vie with each other in the
heartiness of the greeting. It is said that
" 'the right honourable gentleman appeared
somewhat surprised at his reception,"
but the ex-Premier should have remem-
bered that a Shakespearian audience
would naturally be more or less intelli-
gent, and consequently intellectually equal
to appreciate the people's William."
Pas un "Bait" ?
A COMPARATIVELY new contemporary,
having somewhat vulgarly stated that
Mdllo. Bernhardt can earn several thou.
sands a year "on her own hook," adds
that, as it is, she can only "net" a few
hundred. Hook! net !-how "fishy"
all this seems, to be sure.
AT the Lost Property Office at the Prefecture of Police, in Paris, there
is a collection of some twenty thousand objects which were found,
during the Exhibition time, at the Champs de Mars and in the
Trocaddro Palace. The details of this portentous pile have not reached
us ; but we have made the following rough calculation, which will
probably be found pretty near the mark:-
H's-dropped by English visitors .... .. .. .. .. 8,750
Hearts, female-lost in various nooks about the Exhibition 930
Hearts, male, do. .................. 40
Presence of minds-under the influence of crowded road-
ways, missing parties, and sundry crushes .. .. .. 1,200
Chance acquaintances, dropped .. .. .. .. .. .. 80
Umbrellas, silk .... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 2,600
Do. alpaca .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 0
Twangs, dropped by travellers from the United States of
America .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 3
Pairs of gloves-particulars to be supplied by the young
ladies who betted .......... ... .. 110
Tempers-lost under circumstances aggravating or other-
wise .. ...... .. .... .. .. .. ... 6,900
Coughs-by a young gentleman who went abroad for his
health and somebody's sake.. .... .. .. .. .. 1
Children-everywhere .... .. .. .. .. .. .. 160
Dinners-owing to the difficulty in getting conveyances
back to the hotels .... .. ... .. ... 70
Odds and ends, that escaped the notice of dishonest persons
(say).. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 156
Grand total ..... .. ......20,000
HONOUR WHERE HONOUR IS DUE.
A further list of promotions and nominations in the Legion of Honour is just
published. Ab)ur, forty names are supplied by the Ministry of the Interior.
Two gentlemen connected with the press have likewise been decorated-namely,
M. Fun and M. Eougne Yung.
THE Daily Telegraph of the 28th ult. was the first to publish to a
world thrilled with pleasure and incapable of malicious envy that FUN
had been selected by the French Republic as the one English writer
deserving the ribbon of the Legion of Honour. The Times turned for
it, the tsews longed for it, Punch prayed for it, but FUN and FUN
alone in this country obtained it. The alarm that spread through
Fleet-street, and was telegraphed the length and breadth of the
kingdom, that in consequence of this decoration FUN had grown proud
and could no longer be bought for a penny, has been officially con-
The worthy example set by our neighbours across the Channel may
in the course of time lead the administrators of our own country to
consider whether a yard of ribbon cat up into short lengths would be
badly bestowed upon those who as authors and journalists have con-
tributed to the information, instruction, and amusement of their fellow-
A Rara Avis.
ONE of the latest French discoveries is that of a new tenor, in the
person of a railway employ, who is said to possess a very remarkable
voice. Considering the great value of such acquisitions, the directors
of the line-if they are wise in their generation-will certainly pursue
the tenor of their railway," and take him back from the operatic-
manager at an increased salary. So musical a servant ought to be of
immense service as a counter-pointsman!
20 2/6. No se. "Po.TL Te.a.a .NP." T- COCOA E
PATTERNS. ,.. WIL UT LL
6o.,d b all Stationers; ..., and Gross Boles. Send 7 etmos for an PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
-orled samplmboz to John Hethb 70. Ge,>rxe-Btreet, Jlininqhom.
. 1.I Wholesale Londo Area-N. J.POWELL & Co., 101. WhieckhaplZ. CATION.-lf Ce. thickiee is the sp it prows the ddifie.. sfatreA.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phafmx Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Puahshed (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, August 6, Lrf.
([AG. 6, 1879.
A MAN OF STANDING.
Eyeglass :-" RATHER A STIFF BRBEZE THIS TO STAND OUT IN, BOATMAN."
Sealegs:-"SrlFF, IS IT? IF TaR CAN'T STAND OUT IN A BBBEZE AS STIFF AS THIS, WHAT CAN TER STAND?"
ON Thursday, the 6sh of August, Mr. Byron's comedy, The Girls,
reached the 100th representation at the Vaudeville, and there is every
probability of this admirable play seeing many more hundred per-
formances. It is a funny piece, and everyone likes a piece of fun with
The Girls. Mr. Howe will shortly assume the stage management
here, and take the character now played by Mr. Farren. In the
hands of so excellent an actor we need hardly remark Howe he will
The new romantic drama, Zillah, produced by Miss Genevieve
Ward at the Lyceum, had a short existence of four nights only. The
fair manageress played Constance and Zillah, and was simply wonder-
ful in the rapidity of her changes.
The production of the Princess of Trebisonde at the Alhambra pro-
mises to be a big success. Mr. Chas. Collette as Cabriolo, the wax-
work proprietor, is immensely funny with his figures," and causes
shouts of laughter by his figures of speech. He is, in fact, a "model"
We are authorised to state that Mr. Burnand's new comedy, Betsy,
is not an Elizabeth"-an drama.
The Imperial Theatre Company have produced, in the provinces, a
new farcical piece, by Mr. H. F. Wood, entitled Bubble and Co., with
singular success. This is as it should be; bubble is suggestive of
The version of Jane Byre to be produced at the Park Theatre on the
26th will contain no less than thirteen female characters. Conse-
quently there will certainly be no lack of feminine interest in that
Mr. G. R. Sims' comedy of Crutch and Toothpick has now run for a
hundred nights at the Royalty, and from the fact of its still drawing
crowded houses we argue that the public has been, and still would go.
This is only natural, for it is full of go."
H.M.S. Pinafore, now being played at the Opera Comique and
Imperial Theatres, has been the cause of litigation, or, according to a
contemporary, "has been cruising in troubled waters." This, how-
ever, has not been caused by either of the "crews."
THE Bank Holiday programmes at the various places of amusement
were this year enjoyed to the full, the holiday charges proving
that public entertainment is associated with "fine" weather.
THE CRYSTAL PALACB, always foremost in the list, for mist people
retain a fondness for their old love, presented a great variety of
attractions, including Ballet, Musical Clowns, Gymnasts, Dogs and
Monkeys, and the Champion Shot, Dr. Carver. The latter, of course,
made his mark.
THE ALEXANDRA PALACE also presents a miscellaneous programme
of great excellence, the Great Circus being the big feature. Nubar
Hassan, the lofty wire walker, is not by any means the only instance
of high art" at this enjoyable resort.
THU ROYAL AQUARIUM attractions are really too numerous to
particularize. The Performing Bears are provocative of "animal
spirits," and Ohmy the Wonderful does not belie his name, but oh
my I the wonderful Romah Troupe I Ligero, the Performing Bull, is
still a great attraction, but in fact the whole programme is bully."
THB CANTERBURY draws crowds with its ballet of Etherea, in which
Ariel appears in her wonderful flying dance and magic flights of forty
feet. We must say she is the most flighty" young person we have
ever seen, and if she ever marries, what a pretty dance she will
lead her husband. Miss Nelly Power also shines in Pat's Paradise,
and the entire programme is of a Nellvating character.
THE OXFonRD has an innumerable list of comic comedians, with the
Jolly Nash at the head. A stranger visiting this popular hall during
the Jolly one's performance would certainly consider that immoderate
laughter is one of our Nashional characteristics.
THE FRIENDLY ZULUS, at St. James's Hall, continue to be well
patronised, the display of their manners and customs being particu-
larly interesting. Their customs, like their costumes, are very novel,
but we will not say anything about their manners. The performance
may be summed up as a gay one.
A GENERAL ORDER.-The Army considers a mite-y warrior to be
" the cheese."
A DWELLER IN DARXNEss.-A man who never can see a joke.
VOL. XXX. NO. 744.
G. 13, 1879.]
fAuo. 13, 1879.
FUN'S GUIDE TO LONDON.
WALK THE FIFTH.
WHEREVEn the stranger may lodge, it will be easy for him to reach
the heart of the City, since omnibuses travel to and from it as blood
travels to and from his own; but, unlike the blood, the 'buses do not
change colour on the road, except in the way of gathering mud.
London omnibuses have been carped at, but amongst them may be
found Paragons. (N.B.-It is not lawful to bet on the Favourites, any
more than elsewhere, in the City.) Some persons may be described as
blunderbusses; they invariably take the vehicle which will not take
them to the place to which they wish to go. To prevent our disciple
from becoming one, he must be warned not to apply to omnibuses the
White means right, and red means wrong,-.
Green means slowly go along."
He may go quite wrong by getting into a white 'bus, and quite right
by getting into a red one; whilst, as to slowness, there is not much to
choose between the different colours. It is, perhaps, greatest in the
old ones employed in tenderly nursing a young one recently come into
A design for building the Mansion House, by Palladio, was fortu-
nately rejected, on the ground that he was a Roman Catholic, and was
not a Freeman. Let the stranger note the free, Protestant grace of
Mr. Dance's portico, "up above the world so high," as if symbolical
of the precedence which the Lord Mayor takes in the City. The
Prince of Wales must walk behind him there (possibly making faces
at his lordship's back), and the Queen cannot enter without knocking
at his door and saying, Please, sir, may I come in ?" If the visitor
cannot obtain admission to the Egyptian Hall, let him go farther west,
where he will be able to see not only an Egyptian Hall, but Maskelyne
and Cooke into the bargain.
Mutation rules the life of man, but the busiest hour of 'Change is
from 3.30 to 4.30 p.m. on Tuesdays and Fridays. Although the
Exchange is called Royal, if the stranger has been unfortunate
enough to take a bad sovereign he will find a difficulty in getting
silver for it there. At Lloyd's, to say nothing of the salaries of the
chief clerks, even the underwriters sometimes make large fortunes.
The Bank of England (which has planted a branch in Burlington
Gardens) may be a flourishing institution, but it is remarkable for the
dreariness of its look-out, the architecture being of the dead-wall
order, relieved by a Temple of the Sibyl, for the convenience of
speculators who wish to work the oracle. If the visitor wishes to
inspect the bullion vaults, he must ask a beadle to run and fetch a
director to go with him. Over the way, at St. Margaret's, Lothbury, a
silver-tongued clergyman is engaged to preach the Golden Lecture,
which all the junior clerks are expected to attend. Absentees are
reported to their mammas.
The Stocks Market formerly occupied the site of the heart of the
City, and the Stock Exchange is still to be found in Capel-court, with
stock-jobbers to represent the cattle-drovers. We strongly advise the
stranger to stroll into the Exchange. He will be startled by the
warmth of his reception, which will extend even to his hat. If his
apparel should suffer any injury from the heartiness of his welcome,
Merchant Taylors' Hall stands hard by, in Theadneed le-street. If our
scholar would like to boast when he gets home that he has been farther
than London, let him visit the Baltic, and by no means let him neglect
to see the Burst Bubble preserved in the South Sea House. The
Drapers have opened a fine new establishment in Throgmorton-street,
an excellent place to get table-napkins at. Austin Friars is worth a
visit, for the sake of its Dutch church and English clerks engaged in
The Standard on Cornhill was a water-standard, and therefore
scarcely the one, it appears to us, to measure land distances from. The
corn market from which the thoroughfare derives its name has
vanished, but if you ask to be directed to it, possibly you may get some
chaff. Chops may be got in Finch-lane, but Pope's Head-alley is the
best place for a diner, wishing to secure a Pope's-eye, to patronise.
No. 41, Cornhill is interesting as the birthplace of a poet who was
Gray when he was born. In his youth he used to wander in Lombard-
street, warbling, I know a bank," though surely he must have
known more than one there. If the stranger visits the Jerusalem
Coffee-house, let him insist on being served with the genuine coffee
DOTS BY THE WAY.
WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE.
W HEN joy bells rang this
new year in,
f We gave it glad ovation,
S In hope that bright days would
For all the British nation.
Alas! our dearest dreams are
Fond hope has proved de-
For these cold rain -clouds
That give unasked ablution.
We fight along through dreary
With grim-like resignation,
For colds, catarrh, rheumatic
Defies all legislation;
T And amongg our other crushing cares
We see, with indignation,
I if That all the broad green field affairs
Have gone for liquidation.
The floods are out o'er all the land,
And in great consternation
The puzzled farmers wondering stand,
At this vast irrigation:
A woeful thing this year has done,
Through lax consideration;
By shutting out each ray of sun,
We're drowned in condensation.
Come fog, and storms of rain and sleet,
In quick concatenation!
These bleak east winds and hailstorms meet
Devoid of regulation.
There is no method or degree
To guide our registration,
And hope that sunny days we'll see
Is mere hallucination.
'Twere best we ne'er should greet again
New year with jubilation,
Bat wait till it's upon the wane,
Then act as the occasion
May indicate, for growls or cheer,
For life or dark stagnation-
There's little chance this dying year
Will win congratulation.
Going the Whole Hog."
A BEGOAR having died suddenly in a common lodging-house at
Holloway last week, a post mortem was held, and the coroner's jury
gave as their verdict "Death from excessive feeding," the deceased
having eaten 2glbs. of bacon, besides bread and potatoes, at a sitting.
There is something intensely comic in the idea of a beggar dying
from over-eating. Of course, if he hadn't been such a glutton he
would have "saved his bacon."
A Deep Dye'd.
A CONTEMPORARY wishes "that the Earl of Beaconsfield would
shave away the tuft of hair on his chin or cease to dye it so deeply."
We fear this wish will never be realized, for the Premier "has staked
his life upon the caste, and will stand the hazard of the dye."
THE WEAPON TO KNOCK DOWN PROTECTIONISTs WITH.-The
AvG. 13, 1879.]
'ARRY 'OPKINS ON THE SEASON.
Au, by Jingo, but ain't I beginnia' to feel jolly glad that this 'ere
season's over! I never couldn't have standed much mere of it, that's
certain; as it is, I'm just about 'orse de combat, as they say, and a
week or two more would pretty nigh bust me up. It ain't that I've
a-done sich a great deal, yer know, but the work's so bloomin'
faggin', old man! Now, there's the Park, where you 'as to go 'cos
everybody else does. Well, you walks up and down and you stares
at the people, and you lifts yer 'at to, perhaps, one in a mile, and you
keeps at it a-trampin' away for a hour and a 'arf, till yer get jolly
well sick of trying' to look 'appy. It's right enough for once in a
way, I dessay, but at the end of three months you feels like servin' a
short term on the treadmill. And that there Barlin'ton Arcade is all
in the same boat with it, and Regent-street, too I I tell yer what it
is, dear boy, we makes a error in our style of living ; it ain't only that
wve takes our pleasures 'ot and strong, but we takes 'em long, too, till
they palls upon us, and no wonder. This 'ere cutting' a dash while
town's full ain't to be kep' up beyond a certain point. 'Uman nature'
cau't stand too much 'igh pressure; it's bound to undermine the con-
stitootion in time. Besides, there's so much against yer-you're so
heavilyy handicapped Now, I've bin to as many as five big City
dinners in a fortnight; and 'ows a chap to get along with a clear
'ead at that rate ? If they was a ordinary feed, I could understand
it: but when yea 'as to cut in at a big banquet with all sorts
of different wines and punch with yer turtle soup, five times in four-
teen days, it don't give yer a fair chance. Then, another thing, yer
gets to bed so precious late; and that don't leave yer particular ready.
to be off to business early next morning Fact is, I've 'ad enough of
dancin' ; and the gals one meets nowadays ain't so fetchin' as they
used to be, to my thinking' ; but perhaps the divine Sarah 'as spoiled
my taste for the regular sort of women. Any'ow, I haven'tt really
enjoyed not more than one ball, what was given by a alderman what
did the thing proper, and give us a rare blow-out with 'eaps of the
very best fizz and a military band in a markey.
But, bless yer, to 'ear me talk you might almost think I was
blarsey No, 'tain't that, my boy; but when I comes to look back
upon the season as is fast a-dyin' out, it makes my 'art sad to see 'ow
much we've lost by the 'orrid weather. There's lots o' things as
some o' them swells enjoy what don't amuse me not a bit. Yer don't
suppose I cares for them Monday pops and them conversashionies, do
yer ? Not me I No; yer scientific music's a doocid noosance, that's
what it is; and All them 'igh art antics are all as bad. But every-
think 'as been out in the damp, and the 'armony of all our merry
meeting's 'as been destroyed by the blooming' rain what wouldn't stop,
but kep' drippin' and drippin' while we kep' 'opin' and 'opin', till I
'ad a horriblee nightmare that I was a-drownin' of in a sea of mud,
while a army of boot-blacks progged me up with umberellers. It's
over now, thank evene; but the strain 'as been great, dear boy,
awful great. The best thing we can do is to go away and recruit our
What Next P
Da. CARVEB, the Americau'rifle shot, advertises in the Field that he
has a pair of trained elks for sale, broken to harness. What a chance
for my Lord Elko-Elcho we mean-to make a sensation in the Park
next season A pair of elks, with harness silver-plated by Elk-ington,
ought to look very handsome.
Drawing a Wrong Conclusion.
THE Daily News, in reporting a police case relating to stolen goods,
stated that a certain witness had his attention drawn to a pony
cart" in which certain property was lying. Now, had we been that
.witness, we think dur more natural suggestion would have been that
the pony cart had been drawn to our attention!
A Geographical Expression.
THERB is a province to the north of India called Khotan, and this
suggests a mathematical riddle to us. Why, then, is a swell of the
above country like a well-known trigonometrical sign ?-Why, because
he is a Khotan-gent," of course-a co-tangent, don't you see ?
Ox SoMe DRBADriULY IMPROVING ANNOUNCsMENT.
A -wauzTctD old buffer,
A doddering old duffer,
Intreats for a moment you'll pause,
My juniors, my betters,
Who know all your letters
Before you've a tooth in your jaws.
You'll pardon the wicked
Ideas a thick head
Acquires, seeing science spread thus.
When one thinks of each boy full
Of gases, how joyful
One feels that 'twas pudding filled us !
What schemes to unnerve a
Man wholly- Minerva
Presiding o'er holiday joys!
For riddles, and birches
For cricket stumps, rulers as toys I
Evanish, fond vision
Of pastimes Elysian I!
Now schoolboys find pastimes no joke,
Who spend with elation
Their summer vacation
In listening to Snooks upon "Smoke."
Ah, boys! the day's coming
When parsing and summing
Relief will be felt after Yule,
And holiday learning
Will set you all yearning
For rest and enjoyment at school I
Cum Grano Salis.
THs poet tells us to Drink deep, or taste not, the
Pierian spring." From this it may be inferred that it
must be disagreeable, for we know that the way to take
a nauseous dose of physic is to swallow it down very
quickly. Perhaps the Pierian spring tastes something
like sea-water from having Attic salt" in it.
A FRuiTy PoRT.-Valencia.
AS YOU WERE.
Shopman:-" Y S, ov'U.L FIND THErM'S [THE BEST BOOTS AS EVER was."
Customer (slyly):-"Au! waHEN You sATHAT you MEAN wear."
64 F U N [AUG. 13, 1879.
SUCH A SAVING
May he accomplished by an amateur who can turn his hand to a job himself.
.,.Alln7 -717 f R if,'Hl 1
Then you consider what wood you have by you;
Then, after neglecting your lucrative calling for a week, you manage to turn out one And I'm afraid we shall want another chair, eh ?" And you buy
ptg. Most excellent peg," ou say, "yet it hs required a remarkable amount another chair and the rest of the pegs required
of material, too." Results: One peg. Cost-ahe I
F-UN-.- AUG. 13, 1879.
Lord B. :-" HAVE YOU DESTROYED ALL THOSE UNSETTLED BILLS?" Northeote:-" YES, M'LORD."
Lord B. :-" AND HAVE YOU LOOKED TO SEE THAT TURNERELLI IS NOT LOITERING ABOUT OUTSIDE"
Northeote :-".YES, M' LORD." Zord B. :-" THEN CALL A CAB." Northcote :-" YOU'LL NOT FORGET THE P- "
Aro. 13, 1879.]
A "WEIGHTY" DIFFERENCE.
Lowly Child:-" My feyther had his scruple, when I told him
the story I did."
Loftier Child:-" That's naething; my feyther had his dram,
when I told him mine-and that's three times as much."
THE WEDDING OF TROPHONIUS.
STRANGE VAGARIES OF THE RING.
Mr DEAR FRIENDS (if I may so call ye-albeit ye have sent me
no wedding gift),-The following extracts from my diary give the
promised account of the imposing ceremony and events connected
Brighton, Wednesday, July 30th.-Woke early. Wondered drowsily
whether I'd bought ths ring before leaving town last night. Re-
membered that I had, and wondered where I'd put it. Couldn't
imagine. Grew anxious, and, consequently, wide awake. Made a
systematic search. Not in my pocket-book. Not in my coat anywhere
-nor my waistcoat-nor trousers. I turn hot and cold. Not in my
purse-nor card-case-nor yet in my boots-or socks-or nightcap-or
portmanteau-or ornaments on the mantelpiece! Phew! Where
the deuce- ? Stop, here it is under the pillow. I breathe again.
Put it in my trouser-pocket-safest there-thieves seldom attack
trouser-pocket. Breakfast, and call on Anna. Meet her solicitor on
the doorstep-says he's arranging her affairs (as if she were going to
diel). Anna very busy with preparations; she is flurried and flushed
and all over bits of cotton and dressmakers' cuttings. She hasn't a
minute to spare, so I stroll to beach and lie down. Shingle rather
hard, but I soon fall asleep. Wake with tide up to my knees; hurry
home and change. Taking things from trouser-pocket, discover ring
missing I Must have fallen from my pocket while I slept. Covered
by tide-perhaps washed away to sea Conf- Tide won't be
out for hours. Go to beach and watch it impatiently; follow it as it
recedes, and search among the shingle with lessening hope and grow-
ing despair. It is nearly dark when-hooray I Eureka! There it
lies between two stones and a green crab. Home elated and to bed in
Thursday, 31st.-Called on Anna; solicitor with her (arranging her
affairs); went for a walk; called again in afternoon; solicitor still
with her (arranging her affairs); said I'd call again, and went to have
a game of billiards. Taking money out of pocket to pay marker, ring
falls out and rolls away on table. We both try to catch it. Only
succeed in knocking our heads together. Ring continues its course,
and finally disappears into pocket. We hear it fall on floor and roll
away. Marker thinks it went one way-I think it went another.
Neither of us is right-at least, we can't find it. We go on our hands
and knees and look over every inch of that floor. Customers drop in ;
we explain, and they join search. One thinks he sees something
shining in a large crack between the boards; I look, and think I see
something shining. Marker looks, and thinks he sees it, too. All the
others think they see it. Marker says he'll fetch a hair-pin and fish
it out." He gets hair-pin and sets to work. I say, "Let me try (I'm
sure I could do it easily). He says, "All right; he can do it." All
the otherssay, Let me try." He says, All right; I've got it." But
he hasn't; he's pushed it out of sight-I knew he would, dash him I
Landlord comes in and says we may have the board up if we like. We
have it up. It isn't my ring at all! It's only an old card-counter
made to imitate a sovereign I We all look blank. Hang it! what am
I to do now? Someone (perhaps the landlord) suggests "stand drinks."
Idea popular; can't get out of it; do stand drinhs- but how about my
ring ? Marker says he'll keep his eye on the place, and let me know
if he finds it. Not much consoled, and just going, when I catch eight
of the thing close to one of the legs of the table. Pick it up-general
rejoicing. Home peacefully to bed.
Friday, August 1st.-Wake with a cold in my head. Cause soon
discovered-window open all night. Could have sworn I shut it
before going to bed, too. Can't find that ring again I'm sure I put
it on the dressing-table last thing. Confound and dash it all I where
has it got to? A sudden suspicion dawns upon me. I examine
window-the catch has been tampered with My watch is missing
also. (Should explain, perhaps, that I sleep in a little back room on
ground-floor overlooking garden-small but cheap.) I look into gar-
den-there are footprints-that settles it. Hurry off to a police-
station. Inspector says, All right, leave it to him." I do, and call
on Anna. See her for a few minutes, but solicitor calls (to arrange her
affairs), and I stroll about for the rest of the day. Arriving home,
find Inspector waiting for me with seedy young man in charge.
Remember seeing latter in billiard-room last night. Inspector says,
Is that my ring ? It is-also my watch. I say I'm going to be
married and haven't time to prosecute. He says, All right, he
(the seedy young man) is wanted' for something else." Ask him to
drink my health, which he promises to do, and departs with his seedy
charge. I really must be more careful with that beast of a ring- shall
be glad when I part with it.
Saturday, 2nd.-May I be calcined if that ring isn't missing again I
Look everywhere, high and low. Search the shore and streets. On
my legs all day. Ask everybody I meet if they've seen it. They
haven't. Many boys join me in my search. As day goes on their
number increases-as twilight descends they get tired of it and think
it a hoax-observe murmurs and threatening looks. Make my way
home as soon as possible and off to bed-thoroughly tired and
dejected. Well, I am an idiot I If I haven't got the thing
hanging round my neck by a piece of ribbon, where I put it for
safety this morning I! It will be the death of me if this goes on.
Sunday, 3rd.-Spent the day with Anna-carried the ring about in
my hand all day. TnoPHoNors.
P.S.-How about the EBon HANDICAr ?
P.S. 2.-Ah, how about it ?
(To be continued.)
SHE wore a cage of crinoline
The day when first we met;
I saw her feet the bars between,-
The sight I'll ne'er forget.
I saw her but a moment, still methinks I see her yet,
As daintily she raised her skirts to guard them from the wet.
When next we met, huge coils of hair,
Fixed no male thingknows how,
Rose grandly tow'ring high in air
Above her snowy brow.
I saw her but a moment, yet methinks I see her now,
A chignon like St. Paul's dome overshadowing her brow.
We met once more. No chignon reared
Its bulk my soul to thrill;
And tight as skin her skirts appeared,
Tied back at fashion's will.
I saw her but a moment, but methinks I see her still,
With chamois underclothing, and her hair in frizzy frill.
Peek but Hear
THE senior member for Mid-Surrey is not a man who is usually very
demonstrative in the House, but the Obstructionists have at last moved
even him to action, and he has put down his motion on the subject. The
House is so piqued," in fact, at the HomeRule tactics that itu "Peek"
can no longer be kept hidden.
List, oh, List !
MESSRS. HARE and KENDAL hope to "recruit" the long-failing
fortunes of the St. James's Theatre. It is for the purpose of recruit-
ing that they intend to present the Queen's Shilling to the public,
we suppose. It is a good way to "enlist" their sympathy, at all
SWEETNEss AND LIGHT.-A bullseye (because it is a lollipop and a
68 FU N (AUG. 13, 1879.
.._ COUNSEL'S OPINION.
AND so at last your uncle's dead?
S"He's left a will, you know,
"3 And you've been disinherited I
g ..Dear, dear I I told you so.
QUIrTE ACCOUNTING FOR IT.
Mrs. Sroggins:-" How DID YTEW MAMMA LIKE THAT BUTTER I SOLD HER, MISs Lucy "
Miss Lucy :-" TBH BUTTER WAS NOT GOOD AT ALL, MaR. SCROGGINS ; AND IT WAS ALL
SORTS OF DIFFERENT COLOURS."
Mrsr. Sroggins :-" THAT AIN'T NUFFIr'. IF YBW WAS TO SEE MY COWS, TEW'D FIND THEM
A MAIN SOIGHT MORE SPECKELDER THAN THE BUTTER."
,HA -MAKING, bee-keeping, sea-faring, de-fining, e-mancipating,
ef-fecting, ge-nealogising, aitch-bearing, eye-shutting, jay-feeding,
ca-balling, el-ocutionising, em-barking, hen-pecking, eau-de-vie-ing,
pea-souping, cue-tipping, ar-resting, es-tablishing, tea-drinking,
ewe-dipping, ve-hicling, double you-ing, ex-asperating, wise-heading.
THE HARE WITH MANY FRIENDs.-The new lessee of St. James's.
A YANKEE RE-SETTING OF AN OLD SAw.-Fortunes are not Vander-
bilt in a day I
You ask me my advice, young man,
And by it you'll abide-
Is there a way by which we can
Set uncle's will aside F
Well, yes-there is; but money down,
First pay the legal fees.
No, sir I I'll not take half-a-crown,
But six-and-eightpence, please.
I'm much obliged-don't take it ill-
What does the proverb say ?
It says, wherever there's a will
There's sure to be a way.
Good day I
ROYALTY AT DINNER.
A PARISIAN chef de cuisine has been engaged
for some time past in finding out the special
tastes, in the matter of eating and drinking,
of the Sovereigns of Europe.
Alexander II. of Russia, it seems, is partial
above everything else to game-"ground"
game we should think, indeed, judging from
his often displayed earth-hunger."
The German Emperor goes in chiefly for
simple dressed beef or mutton, and abominates
sauces of all kinds-probably from his hatred
of sauce-ialism and sauee-ialists in any form.
His favourite wine is Roederer, the taste for
which he acquired somewhat cheaply whilst
in France in 1870
The Emperor of Austria especially loves
brown meats, though, as the King of Hungary
men, he ought to be able to relish anything.
It is a mistake, though, to suppose he is
partial to Austriches I!
The King of Sweden and Norway eats
nothing but fish all the year round. It is his
sole diet, in fact, and he washes it down with
Rhenish wine. "Fin "-nish wine would be
more appropriate, if therebe any.
The King of Portugal passes most dishes
untouched unless they chance to contain some
sugared entremst. Were this sweet-toothed
monarch King of the Cannibil Islands, there
would be a danger of his devouring his suite !
Nothing pleases the King of the Belgians
more than a thrush. It would be awkward,
though, if one of his "thrushes" were to
stick in his swallow some day.
WHAT candid manager will hesitate to con-
fess that, in spite of all his care, he has now
and then placed a round man in a square
How, in these days of enlightenment, are
political offenders brought to the block ?-By
being shown up in the woodcuts of FuN.
Sweethearts and Wives.
THE ancient custom of breaking a ring on betrothal, a portion being
kept by each contracting party, might with advantage be revived
nowadays in the case of matrimonial disputants, the continuance of
hostilities being impossible after accepting a piece-of-a-ring.
THE anecdotes about Mdlle. Sarah Bernhardt are now becoming so
wild and improbable that it is really necessary to take them all um
grano Sally.' "
AuG. 13, 1879.] FF U N 69
THE FOLLY OF FISH.
I HAvE a strong impulsive wish
To tell the woes of MR. FISH,
And (not regarding you a bit)
I am about to yield to it.
FisH made his money (so they say)
By doing something City way,"
Which trade and commerce regulates
By dropping lines and laying baits.
His bitter woes (I should have said)
Proceeded from his being wed
(A joke I always like to make,
Because it seldom fails to take ").
I do not say his wife was bad
(She was as good as might be had) ;
But on his purse she was a charge,
And Fise's income wasn't large.
And what with rent, and fire, and food,
And raiment, for his mate and brood ;
With all his daughters, as a rule,
To fn-ish at a decent school;
His sons to keep and overlook
Until they pleased to take their hook-
'Twas hard to keep (he'd oft allege)
His head above the water's edge.
A wife's expense, augmented by ec
The cost of heaps of smaller fry,
Soon makes us loathe the bitter cup
Of keeping our position up ;"
We then begin, if we are wise,
To rigidly econpmise--
And so did Fizs, till people got
To calling him a sealy lot."
And then he weakly tried the trick
Of living handsomely "on tick,'"
Until he floundered in the net
Of irrecoverable debt.
Fate granting him no friendly flaw
To 'scape the meshes of the law,
His breath grew short-his eye grew dim-
And that is what became of him.
IT would, of course, be unfair to blame the Duke of Cambridge for
the loss of the squadron of the 10th Hussars in the Cabul river; at
the same time the catastrophe might have-been prevented had the
Duke's military secretary been_ aent to the war. For then there
would have been a Hors(e)fdr"-o-:nthe spot!
Under the Rose.
THai are already announcing the artists engaged for the autumn
season of English opera. And yet each engagement is b Rosa!"
How is this? ___
A MILrTAuT FAsmox.-The ivandiires of 'all the French grenadier
regiments dress in grenadine!
How TO OBTAIN ANIMAL HEAT Wear redin-goat !'
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT SHOEBURYNESS..
THE CAMP, Aug. 5th, 1879.
I CANNOT claim to be an artillerist, sir, nor even to have any indirect
acquaintance with guns; for my uncle, the minor canon, would never,
as a fact, have anything to do with me, though I loaded him with
benefits at a time when his scruples did not interfere with his visiting
the play with an order. It is true that when he took mny orders so
readily he had not taken the Church's; but that does not make his
ingratitude the less marked. But perhaps it was partly my own fault,
for it is only natural that canons, minor or otherwise, when loaded
with benefits, or, in fact, with a charge of any sort, should go off,"
as mine did, and not even leave his new address for me at the old
It will be doubtless gathered from the foregoing lucid periods that
my journey to this camp has been undertaken for Extra-Special pur-
poses. I was, I admit, personally. curious on many points, and I
thought the information gained would satisfy others as well as myself.
Thus, there must be thousands, I think, who knew no better than I
did whether it was etiquette for a defeated squad of artillery volunteers
to throw up their sponge when they are beaten, and whether the
popular game at the camp billiard-tables was shell out."
I am still making inquiries on these particular matters, but I have
already found out that a large proportion of the blind shells fired
invariably try, in spite of their affliction, to go out to sea; as well as
that any clergyman wishing to minister to the men here would be
expected to preach in full canonicals, or not at all.
In many points life here differs from that at Wimbledon. There it
was glees and catches that were sung at the camp fire; here, the men
usually confine themselves principally to "rounds," but they never
have a round dance or anything of that sort. The ball is kept rolling
all daylong, so to speak, and everyone has had enough of it by nightfall.
I don't think, sir, you ever saw a dead shot at Wimbledon'use an
animated bullet. I did not. But here, our deadest shots use live
shells," and think nothing of it.
There is certainly more real work done here than at Wimbledon.
And you notice men sticking to their work at the guns, just as if it
were a "mortar" battery, which shows one what bricks they' are.
By-the-bye,' speaking of bricks and mortars; I have met several
Masons "here. One who had held high offices, and had been a
W.P.W.M.P.G.D:, or something of that sort, was rather crusty too,
because I wrote him a note and signed myself his very Trowel-ly;"
but this is a digression, as the man said when he turned off on his
way to church to be married, to have his hair dyed.
It was rather muddy here last Monday; the mire, indeed, was deep
enough to make a Boot and Shoe-bury-ness of the place, as I said to
the camp commandant. To Wimbledon; by-the-bye, the War Office
took care to send a "Mild May" amongst the officers, but here we
have not an August" one of any kind, fair or otherwise.
I have learned a great deal about time-fuses. Some burn so slowly
that I have given the bombs they are attached to the name of snail
shells," and there are altogether so many varieties of these murderous
charges, that I can quite imagine an enemy against whom we had dis
charged them deeming us as "a-bomby-nation!" before we had
done with them.
There is much controversy as to the merits of breech versus muzzle-
loading. The advocates of the breechloaders complain that their
antagonists have been trying to muzzle the press, and say that our
present system of loading big guns would be more honoured in the
"breach" than in its continued observance. The "muzzle-men," on
the other hand, are as obstinate as Turks, and resolutely storm their
Wishing to make myself generally genial, I suggested that our
guns should be made to load at either breech or muzzle, adding that
they could, if loaded at both ends, be discharged with double effect.
"Discharged with a caution, you mean!" put in a staff officer- who
overheard me; and then the laugh came in, and the merry jest went
Only one word more, and that is I have noticed a marked liking,
not to say cordiality, for gin in camp. Now this being so, I have
proposed that the juniper be henceforth known as the Gunner's-
But why did I propose this ? Only those who know me very in-
timately would guess. It was merely that I might have the chance
of stigmatizing my quip as a Surrey effort !" I will not add more.
[Thank goodness !-EDITOR.]
It is engender'd in the eyes;
With gazing fed, andifancy dies
In the cradle where it lies."
Alas 1 .aiicy, then; is "1ll in my eye"' '. '' -
70 F U N [AUe. 13, 1879.
A SWEEPING REMARK.
HELP THE SWEEPER, PLEASE, SI3."
"CAN'T, MY MAN. I WASN'T BROUGHT UP TO THE BUSINESS ; BESIDES, I
HAVE NO BROOM."
FASHIONABLE ME S.
GLOVES for evening wear are getting longer than ever in Paris.
Thirty-two buttons are now worn, a fashion-book tells us. All we can
say is, that ladies wasting their time with such gloves must be very
far-gant indeed. They deserve, in fact, to be transported to a social
"Sprays" of flowers are generally worn with watered silks, we
Lawn-tennis aprons are made of "net; and the best costumes for
playing is, we should think, a short "ball" dress.
The most appropriate sea-side suit would be of surge;" whilst the
hat should certainly have a wavy brim.
'Tis True, 'tis Petty, &c. !
TEB meeting of the warrant officers of the navy at Portsmouth, to
protest against the use of the Cat," was a very noble demonstration,
according to the Radical organs; whilst the Government papers ask,
in effect, what could you expect from Petty" officers but such little-
ness of conduct?
THE best way to dispose of a metaphysical picture.-Put it in a
philosophic frame of mind."
"A GOLDEN HEART."
THE heart that is genuine gold
Can only be found as a locket:
Those articles bosoms enfold
Might be just as well in the pocket !
Their worth they commercially docket,
For "value received" to be sold;
The heart that is genuine gold
Can only be found as a locket.
Love grasps but the coin it can hold-
It rises to cash like a rocket!
But poverty renders it cold,
And puts out its light in the socket!
The heart that is genuine gold
Can only be found as a locket.
ACCORDING to the advertisement in the Era, the Jack
Straw's Castle Hotel is now kept by the well-known
bass vocalist, Aynsley Cook. If there be anything in a
name he should succeed in his new character, for un-
doubtedly the most suitable person to manage an hotel
is A. Cook, added to which it is a great advantage to be
sure of having good Bass, 0 !
THE continued or recent wet weather may be attributed
to the desire of the clerk of the weather to turn over his
capital more rapidly-that is, by the alternate evapora-
tion and downfall of rain. The maxim, Small profits
and quick returns," receives thus a fresh illustration-
the small prophets looking smaller still under the failure
of their prognostications.
A Nominal Mistake.
WE doubt whether Brother Jaw-Nothin'" is a very
appropriate sobriquet for men who talk so much as
Americans do, as a rule.
MAC "CHI-NATIoNs.-Scotland and Ireland.
IT was lately reported that the tenantry of Viscount Gormanston
had been making hearty demonstrations of rejoicing at the intelli-
gence of the birth of an heir to his lordship. Considering that the
Viscount has been fired at more than once, and is obliged to be
guarded by armed policemen when he goes about amongst his
tenantry, the reason for their late enthusiasm is hardly at first sight
apparent; we suspect, however, that they were in reality exhibiting
their delight at the idea of having someone else to shoot.
Change of Name.
Ws learn that the Great Bastern, which has for a long while been
lying idle at Milford Haven, is now to be fitted up with new boilers
and machinery, with a view to its trading between London and Texas
as a cattle-ship. As a recognition of this leviathan's altered occupa-
tion, it might be appropriately re-christened The Great Beastera."
A MODERN GUYED Boox.-Swinburne's Poems and Ballads.
NOTICE !-Next week,
THE SEASIDE HOLIDAY DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN.
FULL OP PXrTURmS.-ON PENNY.
DOME BLEAD CADBURY'S
BRILLIANTll CLEAN!! NO DUST!!
For Exeollece o COL MEDAL For CleesCOC
Quality. COLD MEDAL f. COCOA ES EC E
Bold by Grocers and ORmen everywhere. P E-80LUBLE-EFESHING. T s neither scratch .n th. p.p.r nor spurt the ink, th
E. JAMES & SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH. c rN.-uc.... O._ b A. s i f... ,if A.. o.. a ,,orposfre a..o. A..'.rss
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phamix Works, St. Andrew's Hill. Dootora' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, B.C. -London, August 13, 1879.
ATO. 20, 1879.] FU N. 71
A HOLIDAY CARD.
FuN presents his compliments to his pupils, and invites them to
spend a day in the country-by proxy. He is very pleased to hear
that they have been good boys, and have followed his advice in pro-
viding Irish stew in the winter for East-end children whose parents
could not supply them with the poorest English mess; and he now
requests them to send at once to 'Mr. Walter Austin, 14, Finabur -
circus, E.C., contributions as liberal, to enable the children of the
London Cottage Mission-woingless little London sparrows-to enjoy
green fields and fresh air for a few hours for once in the year.
Although, or rather because, the holidays have come, FuN advises his
pupils to keep up their free-hand drawing, and when writing to make
their 's. S's, and D's as large as possible.
MEAT AND DRINK.
Eigh'and D over (Perth Station Refreshment Rooms):-" Can you
give her any dinner ? Quick I She will haf to catch a train."
Waiter:-" Yes, sir; what's you have .
H. D.:-" Bring her a loaf and a pottle o' whisky."
EnaATrux.-Railway guides tell Redcar passengers that they must go
to King's-cross; but it is the blue oars that run from there.
SINGULAR WATBRING-P-LAcE.-A German of ont acquaintance says
that in hot weather he likes to get away to Goole.
A HOLIDAY "'TRIM,."
Swell (who prides himselfon his hirsute appearance) :-" Sorry I can't
stop, old fellow; want to get my hair out, badly."
Cynical Friend:-" Want to get your hair cut badly. Well, you
can't do better than go where you always have it done; no one could do
A Cur in the Manger.
SJONES, who is not able to go anywhere this summer-although he
gives out (his morals being as shaky as his French) that he is going to
Dip-finds his pleasure in sneering at those of his acquaintances
(friends he has none) who are going anywhere. A. told him he was
going to Vigo. Jones answered Vy go P" B. said he was going to
Knockmore. "I never heard that you had the pluck to knock any-
body," remarked J ones. D having asked advice as to where he should
go, Jones replied that he would send him to Coventry with the
greatest of pleasure; and when a vocalist let drop that he was going
to Singapore, the cockney was idiotic enough to ask him what kind of
melody a pore was, and to assure him that, whatever it might be, he
would make a pore sing of it
RAiN, rain, nothing but rain I
Bad for the root-crops, bad for the grain u
Bad for all trades I" Cried a beggar, "not true !
'Tis the best year for grounsel that ever I knew."
AbounC MACH ne-ATIows.-Getting a bathing-machine out of your
VOL. xxx. me. 745
o .. xxx. e.-745 -
[AUG. 20, 1879.
Fair Excursionist (of somewhat uncertain age):-" REAny.L, MR. BROWN, YOU KNOW, I'vE NO OPINION OP THEM DRUIDS MYSELF. AT
THEIR TIME OF LIFE TO HAVE BBEN GOING ABOUT WITH M[ITLBTOE- H'M I "
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT THE SEA-SIDE.
I HAvE been a great sight-seer in my day, sir, and a most persistent
"sea-sider" as well. The Southern shore of this island is particu-
larly familiar to me, and if I availed myself of the "extra-special"
trains placed at my disposal" by the Brighton and South Coast line *
a week or two since, it was rather to renew acquaintance with old
friends than to form new attachments. Here, then, is a brief account
of my journey, jotted down from my diary kept whilst travelling,
when my mind and body, thanks to Mr. Knight's forethought, were
in a double sense in a good train" for diarizing."
Ah, yes, this is one of the "Bournes" from which the traveller
would gladly not return if he could help it. Sixty-five miles from
London, and might appropriately sing:-
I'm sixty-five I'm sixty-five l
And to be most select contrive !"
Unique feature of the place is Devonshire Park. Every kind of
ground game-such as lawn-tennis, croquet, Badminton, cricket-in
profusion. Dears-talking there every day in the season, as well as
open-air concerts and promenade balls. Balls kept rolling with spirit
all the week through. N.B.-Good fishing-tackle may be hired,
also waggo-" nets," if required.
Very grand and solemn sight when, during a high wind, the waves cry
" Let us spray 1" Splash Point at such a time is impassable. N.B.-
Why not put up a splash-board to ward off the shower kicked up by
The town is specially patronised by the Duke of Devonshire, but it
has a first-class pier of its own as well. Several of the streets are
planted with trees, and some of the more flourishing shops have put
out branches, I notice, since I was here.
A most sleepy and secluded place, famous for its numerous beds of
Most railway lines, like dogs, have their days, but the London and Brighton
has its J. P. Knight as well, which may account for its increasing success.-
Y. E.-S R.
seaweed. I positively saw so much of this seaweed that I was com-
paratively ready to see-" Ouida." Invalids flock here, and those who
cannot venture on the sea for fear of being pitched about, or take a
boat and go in for feathering, can have a Bath-chair and start for
Tarring-only a mile and a half away.
Sompting lies two miles in another direction. There is Sompting "
curious in the village; but I forget what. In the adjoining parish of
Salvinton, again, the erudite Seldon was born-a learned man whose
equal we "read about, but very Seldon see!"
Further west is Goring. (Note.-Beware of the bulls 1) Here is the
famous Miller's Tomb, 820 feet above the sea-level-a height that
proves tomb-much" for many, no doubt. Carriages I noticed on
the Esplanade in plenty, and donkeys, too, ass-ert themselves in large
Bounded by Selsey Bill on the west. N.B.- City men cannot do
better than back this bill-in other words, mount it-before breakfast.
The only stamps required may be furnished by the foot.
Very mild climate, Bognor. Fuchsias grow to the height of trees in
the open ground-which is a good test, for I know "few-shya"
plants than the fuchsia. The beach is a firm, clean, and even reach
of sand, which the comparatively cheap rate of living uts within the
" reach" of everyone. Small club for gentlemen, and Indian clubs for
" natives," in any quantity. Famous red and grey mullet fishing.
N.B.-Be sure you ask for" Mullet-gatawny" soup at your hotel.
Schools in great variety; for all classes of pupils, except whales.
(Mem.-Be sure not to think the islands you notice to the south and
east are the South-Sea Islands.) Much relieved on finding myself at
Havant Junction. Quite sure then that I Havant gone wrong. Much
shocked old lady in train by saying, "Ah, Southsea Common, I see I"
" Southsea common I" she re-echoed ; "then it won't do for me I
only visit select watering-places. Guard, don't take my luggage out."
Re-assured her by degrees.
Southsea is very lively, thanks to the proximity of Portsmouth.
The famous Hard is hard by, and should be visited, whilst the big
men-o'-war, with their five or 600 men apiece, should not be over-
AvG. 20, 1879.] FUN. 73
TAKING HIM OFF.
English Swell (ompously):-"M STAY IN SKYE AND MY MOVEMENTS IN YOUR COUNTRY WILL EB ENTIRELY DEPENDENT ON THE
WEATHER." Highland Drover:-" OcH, I s'POSE SHE'LL BE A PHOTO-GRAPHER (PHOTOGRAPHER) THEN."
looked. They well deserve looking over, however, which is a very If you find it cold at Deal you can easily go when it is Walmer,"
different thing. you know.
The Common, as I heard an 'Arry, down for the day, exclaim, is Near Ramsgate is the ancient town of Sandwich, which is to be
downright proper I Troops are often reviewed there, but not savagely; avoided, stale Sandwiches being a gritty abomination.
they are never cut up, like some columns are lin London. Those If anyone tries to make you think Daal is one of the Cinque-ports,
who like native wines will not forget that at Southsea they are within don't believe them. Deal never sinks ; this deal is, in fact, steadily
reach of one of our most famous British ports. rising; whereas the Cinque-ports may now be said to be most of them
You've heard of the teeh of the North-east Wind, of course Since the Granville Hotel was built at Ramsgate the place has
Well, you'll find none in this Bournemouth. The climate is most The Goodwin Sand, four miles off amgate, should be called the
salubrious, and invalids who have wandered amongst its fir woods he oodw and four me off amsgate, should be called the
literally pine after them. So numerous are these plantations that to BRamsgate now owns many fine smacks, and its smackerel fishery
stay here is like being in fireen" parts, and it is very easy to go is justly famed. There is good trout hing too in the tour provided
further and fare worse. is justly famed. There is good trout fishing too in the Stour, provided
The town lies in a "combe or valley-locally called a "lbunny." you don't Stour up the mud too much.
It's their rabbit" to call it so, is the only explanation I could obtain. HASTINGS.
A sandy Iach extends for about five miles or so on each side of the Hastings Pier-not Lord Hastings necesarilyis one of the finest
town, so that those who like may walk to Christchurch on the one Hastings Pier-not Lord Hastings necessaily-is one of the finest
hand, or to "Poole" on the other. There are, however, good billiard on our coast. An interesting if pugnacious trip is to go to Battle, six
rooms in the town without going all that distance. miles off, but you see a pa" in Hastings itself any day.
Note.-Bournemouth air especially good for coughs. Went there Near here is the quaint old town of Winchelsea, which, it is said,
myself last winter with a most Eevere one. Drove out first day to first suggested to Sir Charles Dilke the political life in which he has
Corfe Castle, and on returning home found Corfe was altogether done so well. He was travelling along the coast, listlessly wondering
left behind me. Fact! what he should do in life, when a porter suddenly called out, Win-
N.B.-What a fortune for anyone who starts the manufacture of Chelsea!" By the very next train Sir Charles went up to London,
Corfe lozenges. stood for the metropolitan borough, and did win it. Thus even
Tnn ISLE or THANET, &c. politics have their romances !
Just a few words for Thanetary reasons:-It's high time all the The Hastings fishermen repay study; they are such a hardy and
" Gates" on the Isle of Thanet were shut; no more room. N.B.- peculiar class. No doubt they are direct descendants of the Norse-
Beware of the cad on the jetty, who so affects the" evil eye" or men, which is perhaps one reason why they are so awkward on their
" Jetty-tura." feet. An Norseman is not a good footman, of course. Artists fre-
Curious parallel for the wide steppes so common in Russia may quently draw them in their vessels. Visitors will find it no difficult
be found in our Broad-Stairs." matter, however, to draw them out, especially if they use tobacco for
When at the Hall-by-the-Sea, Margate, drink "Sangeree out of the purpose.
compliment to proprietor. A new Aquarium at Hastings serves still further to "Brighton"
Noticed that the Fort at Margate was held by a picked garri-son it up.
as usual, several pretty garri-daughters also, on outpost duty. But enough of my notes-you will like them changed.
"GIVE" AND "TAKE."
Old Salt :-" NOT taking MUCH THIS SEASON, sun ? No, sua I NOBODY's
giving MUCH THIS sEASON, sun. GENTS' 'ANDS DON'T SEER TO xNOW THEIR
WAY IN AND OUT THEIR POCKETS THIS SEASON, SUR! "
Ave. 20, 1879.
THE UNIQUE HOTEL.
(&ee Murray's Sootland," page 169).
My friends and my relatives know very well
I yearn for the novel and striking-
Just now there's the strangest north-country hotel
Evoking my rapturous liking.
The notice (in language sufficiently terse)
Recording its varied resources,
Concludes with, good stables. Superior hearse,
With suitable feathers and horses !"
The wines may be bad and civility nil,
The furniture aged and fluffy,
Wax candles appear twice-a-day in the bill,
And all may be gloomy and stuffy.
Such minor discomforts let cavillers curse ;-
Eclipsing the painfullest courses,
You've but to recall that superior hearse,
With suitable feathers and horses."
Suppose, as by rail you're approaching the spot,
Your train will persist in colliding
Along with another and getting it hot,"
Or smashing to bits in a siding ;
Though sadly your friends may regard your reverse,
While shedding the tear it enforces,
At least they can get a superior hearse,
With suitable feathers and horses."
Suppose you are spending a holiday there
With hopes of lost vigour regaining
By climbing up mountains and breathing the air,
And find it incessantly raining;
As daily the weather grows dismally worse,
And hope from your bosom divorces,
You'll guess why they keep a superior hearse,
With suitable feathers and horses."
Suppose, when they give you your little account,"
You go and you think you've detected
A glaring extortion, because the amount
Exceeds what you might have expected.
You'll find it suppose you decline to disburse,
And your fist your decision endorses-
Convenient to have that superior hearse
With suitable feathers and horses."
A VOCALIST'S AMUSEMENT.-Concert-pitch and toss.
'ARRY 'OPKINS 'AS A HOLIDAY .
'U.LO, old man, ain't yer left the little village yet ? Why, I've
bin away and come back agin, while you're a trying' to make yer
mind up where yer'll go orf to for a jaunt. Yes, I've.'ad my holiday ,
me and Tommy Grigg-you know, that red-'eaded chap what we calls
Ginger Blue, but 'e ain't a bad sort neither. 'E says to me one day,
'e says, "'Arry, old pal, what d'yer say to comin' with me and 'avin'
a sniff of the briny ?" "Right you are, cookie !" says I. Then says
'e, What d'yer sayto our patronisin' Folkestone for a change; there's
a customer of ours as swears by it ?" says 'e. "Right young are agin !"
says I; and we shakes handss over it and makes a contract on the
Well, I meets Ginger at the station, and we takes second-class
tickets (precious dear they is too), for it's best to go the 'ole 'og when
ye're out on the scoop; and we engages a single bedroom at one of the
big 'otels, so as to do the thing proper. Ginger, 'ed got hisself up
pretty swell for 'im-though, to be sure, 'e 'adn't only one suit of
clothes, so that when 'e got soused one day by a tumblin' orf a break-
water, 'e 'ad to go about in a pair of my bags which wos a deal too
short in the leg and rather tight otherwise. Still 'e looked all right,
exception' that: while as for your 'umble servant, I'd a regular slap-
up new tourist suit from Kino's-none of yer finickin' patterns, but
one yer could read ten yards away; and with my brown
billycock 'at (crown about as deep as a soup-plate-the O.K.
thing, yer know) and my Malacker stick (with a knob
to suck), I flatter myself I was a match for the best of 'em. But
'anged if I think that there Folkestone's sich a bloomin' fine place as
yer fashionable tries to make out In my opinion, it's a do, old
man; and I fancy I knows a thing or two I Why, we never see not
a single nigger on the beach, nor any of them comic singin' blokes,
and we wasn't once arst to be photergrarphed. Then the 'arbour ain't
no 'arbour at all, leastways at low-tide, when it's a mud-patty; and
the pier's a snivellin' little concern what nobody goes on, for they
charge yer a copper and it ain't worth a brass farden. If yer strolls
about the town, there ain't a level street to be found, and you feels as
if yer was a-climbin' up all the 'ills what flesh is heir to (Shakespeare,
ain't it ?); while if yer follows the swim and promenades all the
evening' along the top of the clift, you'll doooid quick find there's
something else flat besides them Lees as they call it. It's where all
the world goes a purpus of staring' at the rest, and a jolly long lease
they takes of it, I can tell yer. (Ha, ha! See ?) 0' course, we 'ad a
turn at it too. Ginger and me, we cooked our 'ats and put on our
gloves and swaggered up and down as stiff as 'op-poles; but the
people was all too stuck-up for us, and there warn't a gal to be seen
'oo'd so much as tip yer a wink. Ah, it's a deadly-lively 'ole, it is I
No genlemen's bathin' machines alongside o' the women's; no big
boats for a sail; no circuses; no Assembly Rooms; no 'All by the
Sea Nothink in the way of amusement, barring' brass bands a blowin'
their 'eads orf all over the shop-if that's any amusement; or to go and
see the Boulong steamer come in, and 'ave a larf at the coves what
shows they've bin sick; but then, it ain't always rough I They told
us we ort to go to the Warren, but we weren't a goin' to make rabbits
of ourselves for anybody, particler when we found we 'adn't the
money to stop longer, as prices was so precious 'igh. No a week of
it was enough. We packed up our traps and bunked 'ome agin, and
while we was in the train old Ginger come out with:-
'Arry and me
'Ad a mind for a spree,
So to lardy at Folkestone we went;
But the place was so queer
And the vittles so dear,
That we jolly soon cleared out of Kent.
Which wasn't so bad for 'im; eh, dear boy F
ON what tree would you expect to find "shell-lack?'-On a
FUN.--Aua. 20, 1879.
TEMPTI N C
TO TH E
I ~~-i~~' ____
LOD GOING HOUSE-KEEPINo
ON THE LOOK OUT
SMi isFO VI OTIMS
-a ^ ^
Ave. 20, 1879.]
Miss GmENvravB WARD'S Lucrezia
Borgia at the Lyceum amply atones for
her error in producing Zillah, her embodi-
ment of the tragic heroine being simply
perfect, and no mistake.
Mr. Burnand's Betsy is said to be
entirely suited to the tastes of the house
where it is being played, which is a very
good Criterion of its quality. It is per-
fectly true that it is a provoking piece,
for it provokes immoderate laughter.
Opinions differ very much as to the new
importation at the Olympic, but all admit
that Davy Crockett is full of dash. This
being the case, it should be a striking
Mr. Hollingshead announces the
return of the whole Gaiety Company."
This reads oddly, considering that most of
them appear in two pieces.
IT is stated that some amusement was
caused in the Central Criminal Court, on
Thursday, by the mode in which the oath
was administered to a Chinese witness; a
saucer being given to him, he threw it
to the ground with great force, thereby
typifying that if he spoke falsely his body
would be smashed in the same way. Of
course, to our ideas, it does seem rather a
cracked proceeding, though it is really
only natural that Chinese customs should
be connected with China.
A DRA EX MACHiNA.-The belle of the
season taking her dip.
NOT TO BE CAUGHT.
Visitor:-" WELL, CAPTAIN, HOW MANY FISH HAVE YOU CAUGHT?"
Tar (who has fished for hours without success) :-" DCexo. I HEVN'T COUNTRED 'EM yet!,
SEASIDE REVERIES. THE FIRST OF THE SEASON.
HERBE will we rest ourselves. In stranger places hath repose been THE first oyster of August, I eat it last night,
found. We knew a man who had a little nap upon the top of his hat. And I tossed on my pillow and woke in a fright,
True, it was very little, for his anxieties were great. The times were For although it was small it was strong for its size,
hard; so is this shingle. Let us try the sands. And occasioned my palate unpleasant surprise.
The murmuring main invites us to follow its example and make 'Twas the first of the season, and naught could atone
reflections ; but nothing strikes one. Yes, all the church clocks in the Had I left it to pine on the counter alone,
town are doing so. How very cowardly for so many to strike one I So with vinegar, pepper, and brown bread galore,
Qui dort, dine-how lustily yonder old gentleman, supine yet energetic, I demolished that native and twenty-three more.
is snoring grace over his dinner. That last awoke him. Yes, my dear
sir, you will find the lee of that bathing-machine a much pleasanter There's no R in the month, but I cared not for that,
place for you to sleep in, and so shall I. Again he snores; but now And I reeked not the warning cry, "Mind what you're at! "
the music of the nose, by distance made more sweet, blends not For I knew-or I thought so-what I was about,
inharmoniously with the voices of the winds and waves. Ha! shall I As I settled the bivalves with two pints of stout.
wake him F But no-why should I deprive him of a sensation that And to-day P-Oh, I ache with a terrible pain,
may be novel F Life is not too full of variety even beside the ever- And I wish from that oyster they'd made me refrain I
changing sea. Fair ones ascend the steps of the machine. The rat- How I wish that I'd left it I-I now had been well
tailed horse, ridden by a bare-legged boy, is hooked on. Upon the Had I only allowed it to sleep in its shell.
other side plods the attendant nymph, in hermaphrodital costume. They
see him not. The wheel against which my friend reclines revolves,
and he is left flapping and gasping on his back like an overturned A "Hard" Sentence.
turtle. Nay, my good madam, why should you tell your little boy AT the Clerkenwell Police Court a man described as miserably clad,
that it is rude to laugh F The very donkeys-like British workmen's and having no shoes to his feet, has been sentenced to 14 days' hard
brides, arrayed in white for drudgery and blows-cannot refrain from labour for applying at the casual ward for a night's lodging, he at the
feebly sniggering and languidly turning their drooped heads to dis- time having fivepence concealed about him, which, he stated, he was
cover whether their companions in the row have equal faint apprecia- saving in order that he might buy a pair of old boots, so that he
tion of the joke. might get work. We need hardly state that this latest instance of
I spake erewhile of the ever-changing sea. Verily, changing itself, magisterial mercy emanates from Mr. Barstow, who has previously
it is the cause of change in other things. How bank-notes do go given such abundant proof of his fitness for the post he holds.
here 1-as rapidly as the wind is turning over the leaves of that Poverty, in the eyes of this humane magistrate, is an appalling crime,
volume laid, like the old gentleman, on its back upon the sand. and must be put down by the strong arm of the law. For a man to
Roused by the rippling sound, the old lady who owns it turns and try and get relief from the workhouse when he is possessed of such
complacently puts in the mark at p. 259. The book was open at 101 immense wealth as fivepence is, we are aware, an "offence" according
when she laid it down. Sensible old authoress of Reading Made Easy. to law, but so harsh a senennce is decidedly more offensive. We
Thus, doubtless, hath she saved temper and tedium, as well as time. think, though the man did wrong, his conduct was pardonable; we
What are the wild waves saying to yonder pair of moody tradesmen wish we could ay the same of Mr. Barstow's.
beguiled into bringing their families down to the seaside, as silent wish we could say the same of r. Barstow's.
they pace the shore of the deeply-sounding deep F-what are they
saying to themselves ? "In the name of fortune, what good have we An Ass-TY DarnerITIO.-Woaxs or FICTIoN: Books to be found
got by coming here ? Small profits, verily, but we will have quick In a lie-bray-ry.
returns I" TKH MOST TmRzsonKs o AuL AGRs.-The Lugg-age.
[AUG. 20, 1879.
_OFF FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
THE world and his wife are both off for the
-- ... -- holidays,
_Intent on enjoying a bright round of jolly
-Packing and bustling, and all in a flurry,
Pierward and stationward breathless they
-- _- scurry.
-~------------------ Exulting like birds just escaped from cap-
In covies they fly to the mountain's declivity;
Over the rivers, the hills, and the ocean,
-- _Stirring old Neptune to quite a commotion.
__ Deserted the chambers and halls parlia-
-- The Houses just now are both far from
-- -- -- -- Lawyers forget for a season their gammon,
Baiting, instead of a witness, the salmon.
__ Friend 'Arry's abroad, with his accent
Displaying his "tourist" in "meadows
Mauling Delille, as at home Lindley Murray,
Adopting awhile Vaudeville for the Surrey.
Soon all will return, strong and full of
And ready once more for life's work and
Brimful of stories, some stirring, some funny,
Brimful of health,-but not brimful of money.
IN the debate on Friday, anent the late
Prince Imperial, Mr. Briggs considered that
there was one expression used by the Opposi-
tion which he thought hardly Parliamentary;
it was, "Pepper away like one o'clock." We
fear the honourable member is quite too aw-
fully particular; the allusion to pepper is
to our thinking decidedly "spicey," and
we should not be surprised, after this, if Mr.
Briggs were to object to the classical sentiment
of "Go it like old boots."
"WITH THE CHILL OFF."
Proprietress of Bathing achines :-" GOING TO BATHE THIS MORNING, IR ?"
Visitor :-" No; I'VE GOT SUCH A COLD IN MT HEAD."
P. of B. H. :-"NzSVER MIND THAT, SIR. WHY, WE'VE 'AD GENTS A-BATHE WITH SUCH
COLDS IN THEIR 'EDS THEY'VE REG'LAR FROOZED THE WATER, AN' STILL IT DONE 'EM GOOD."
A Lost Joke.
A WITNESS in the case of Nowell v. Williams
having stated that he was a traveller, was
asked "what he travelled in ?" and replied
that he travelled in oil." We cannot con-
ceive how the Solicitor-General refrained
from being funny. It would really have
been pardonable had he suggested train oil.
A Jest of the Period.
AN inveterate and omnivorous reader of
ephemeral publications said, the other day,
that he could not imagine a Heaven without
the new magazines. Oh," retorted a friend,
" with you, then, it's a case of no Paradise
without its Peri-odicals ? "
THE PEAFOWL.-Roast duck.
A WATERING-PLACE FOR EVERYONE, The gamblers' retreat.-Looe.
S ATERING-PL C FOR EVERYONE, Where will indefatigable artists probably rush P-To Paignt-on.
THE place to send talkative people.-Bar-mouth. Where should all the walkers go for a change P-To Ryde.
The place for Irishmen to feel at home at.-" Bog "-nor. The non-swimmer's safe place.-Sea-ford.
The place where the Professional Beauties may get looked at.-
The place for Masons."-Brixham and Lyme. A Hint for Lodging-house Keepers.
The place to get sunburnt at.-Burnham. IT is unhealthy to live in your own house, because it is yours
The dairyman's paradise.-Cowes. (sewers).
Where card-players would like to go.-To Deal. ewers).
The place where it doesn't rain.-Hayling Island. ABOARD SCHOOL.-The duty of a ship's schoolmaster is to teach her
The place for Londoners to reach by bus.-Hornsea. how to right when on her beam ends.
AUG. 20, 1879.]
THAT ADMIRER I
"I want to see that comic artist," he says to your maid at the door. "Don't But in he will come. "I'm a stranger to you," he says. "Yes," you reply,
know the name; send him ai ay," you tell her. go away." "But I'm a great admirer of yours," he says.
"I want to see how you do it all," he says, tipping up your work to peep under; Then he looks down your collar to see where all your funniness
comes from. You get quite annoyed, you do.
To cut a door in you, with the view of inspecting your Joke-Works I! And the
trouble you have to persuade him not to I
At length he produces and sharpens a great knife;
82 FUN. [AUG. 20, 187,9.
"Doosid fix." Jones discovers The "Lovers' Seat, where Boodleby
some of his country cousins bearing confessed his wild, deep, and uncon- The "Lovers' Seat." Boodleby's wild, deep, and A roaring trade.
down on him, just as he's going to trollable love for the charming uncontrollable I ve a few years after.
meet those "Ponsonby girls." Angelina.
Wha a chance. Ten to one it's those "Say, Tipper, why is this like your favourife Smith having promised to bring some Finnon
two pretty girls that were staring at me "Oh, lor' I stroke at billiards ? Give it up Because it's haddocks from the North, unfortunately
on the Parade last night." a fluke." brought them in the same carriage with him.
He presents a somewhat fly-blown appearance on his arrival.
HOLIDAY COUNSEL AND WARNINGS. Teething infants may derive benefit from Lancing.
Lovers of good living will not be able to put up with Littleport.
IF you turn to Ayr you will be evaporated. Tradesmen can go to Deal, or Selling might suit them.
If you go to Bagehot, mind you don't leave your bag at the station. Hie eat looue.-Diss is de place for gentlemen of colour.
If yoru like nice home-made bread send your servant to Bakewell. Members of the Prize Ring are said to enjoy Mailing.
You will find airy sleeping accommodation in Barnes. One county is famous for one thing, and another for another. To
To those in search: of jovial society we recommend Bath, on account get real rest in, give us Beds. We have a decided objection to Herts.
of its bricks.
Quakers ought not to go to Battle.
Bigswear people are not likely to receive visitors politely. SYMPATHY.
Those who would win wives should not stop at Billing. WHEN the ship mourns a comrade dead,
The G. W. Railway must be a perilous road to travel by, as there is Grief reigns both aft and fore;
always a Box on the line. The yards are seen in tiers overhead,
Fast young ladies are said to like Broadstairs. The very flags dip-lower.
Undertakers leaving their homes for recreation ought not to go to
Pious persons should go to Chappel. Otium Cum Dig.
Cowes will supply asa's milk. THE most aristocratic parents make an exception on the sands at the
Yachtsmen short of hands can find a Crewe in Cheshire. seaside. There it is not thought "infra dgy to use their children's
In the dialect of their county we advise Wiltshire husbands not to spades.
leave their wives to their own Devizes.
The Essex breed of pigs is good, but its Hams can scarcely be re- WHERE SHAKSoPEAdE's CLIFF OUGHT TO B.- At "Stony -
commended to excursionisis. Stratford.
Girls that want sparks should hit upon Flint. SEA LiE-ssasE.-A ship often "lies very near the wind ;" but only
Farmers ought not to send their wives to Harrow. absolutely lies at anchor.
T .. -CADBURY'S K
200O 2/6. o1.189). 1 I-11 fO A\l Tanl COCO ESSE
PATTERNS, UP SmUTS. WIL SUIT Io n a-
Bold bi all Stationers, Ind..s., and Grosts Boxes. Send 7 atamps for an PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
s.orted ampl boxto a He 70. Ge str, t rinweham l CAUTION.-lf Cosa thickens in the. p it proves the ad/dti n -arc .
Sale wholesale London Aices s-N. J.POWELL A Co., 101 WhttechapeE ddti
Ave. 27, 1879.]
F JN. 83
Little Boodleby (who is showing his nieces the lions in Paris) :-" Am, MY DEARS, THAT A. LOO-BR MUST HAVE A LARGE BUSINESS. WHY,
I'VE NOTICED HIS NAME EVERTWHEREB IN PACT, ITVS'ALL OVER THE BHOP.'1
WHY, UNCLE, ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT A LOUER MBANs,'To LET [CIC5apse of L. B.
THE WEDDING OF TROPHONIUS.-(Continued.)
THE CEREMONY AND BREAKFAST.
Brighton, fmday. August 4th.-Restless night. Afraid of over-
sleeping myself. Wake with a start-sun streaming strongly in at
window. Liok anxiously at watch. Half-past five! All right-go
to sleep again. Wake again at half-past six-again at a quarter-past
seven. Plenty of time for another snooze-ceremony not till eleven.
Go to sleep once mre. Wake refreshed and comfortable. Don't
remember anything and don't try to. Cosy. Gat up and have quiet
breakfast presently. Remember wedding suddenly. 1 say-
here-hope I haven't missed it 1 By George! Qaarter-past ten! !
Perform rapid act of dressing and make for church. Don't think my
cravat is tied properly; fancy my boots are not a pair; quite certain
I've snicked" my face all over with razor. Feel fluffy and uncom.
fortable. Out of breath with hurry. All waiting at church. General
grinning of populace and guests at my late arrival. Ceremony proceeds.
Am beginning to regain my wonted calm when, in a flash, am con-
scious of having left ring on my dressing-table! Agony-trembling
knees, &-., &c. What shall I do F The thing will be wanted directly!
Look wildly into body of church. Shall I make a dash at some
married woman and demand her ring or her life ? The dreaded time
when it will be required approaches-nearer-nearer. Can imagine
the feelings of the party in "The Pit and the Pendulum" Only a
few more words between me and my doom-the words are said. (Why
do the six bridesmaids and the six groomsmen feel in their pockets ?)
I burst into a cold perspiration and gasp tremulously, I've forgotten
it!" In an instant a dozen rings are thrust into my hand, and a
dozen voices whisper, I knew you would." Saved! Saved! (By
the bridesmaids and groomsmen.) I recover rapidly, pocket eleven of
the rings and use the other. Ceremony over. March out with Anna
on my arm. Crowd at porch. Someone says, Hullo, here's the
father and mother coming' out fast I" Proceed to carriage with dignity.
As we drive off, best man and principal bridesmaid emerge from
porch. Reoeivel with cheers, showers of rice, and old slippers.
Mistaken for the happy pair." Glad of it-don't like rice and old
slippers Sumptuous breakfast-glad o! that, too-had nothing
this morning-ravenous. Make a good meal. Toasts begin. Don't
object to that. Somebody proposes somebody else's health-I drink
it. Somebody proposes my health (and Anna's). Don't care for that
so much-can't drink your own health. Can take drink to get courage
for reply, though; also drink to refresh talk-parched throat when you
sit down again. Propose bridesmaids' health-and drink it. Some-
body proposes Anna's father's health-talks about "losing loving
daughter." Cries. Anna's father cries. Anna cries. Everybody
else cries. Why, I wonder ? Didn't Anna want to marry F Has this
been forced upon her ? Poor thing I Wish I'd ascertained the facts
before. Well, we must make the best of a bad job. I pity her-I
will make a sacrifice. I rise to my feet (after drinking Anna's father's
health and knocking over my chair and some plates) and make the
following speech:-" Ladies and gentlemen,-[ am sorry to see you
grieved, I am still more sorry to be the cause of that grief. I cannot
disguise from myself that if I hadn't married Anna none of you could
have had cause to weep. I pity you much, and to prove my sincerity
I will do my best to remedy the evil I have done. Take her, old man
-Anna, go to your father-take her; from this moment I relinquish
all claim upon her-Anna, why don't you go to your father ?-all
shall be as though I had never existed, and I will go forth on my sad,
broken-hearted way alone-al-- ." Here I bow my aged head
amid the lobster-salad and weep the salt tears of Ouida's heroes.
There is silence. Then Anna whispers, You've taken quite
enough," and the servant announces the carriage. Anna leads me
away, dazed and confused with my emotions. Find myself at railway
station. Write Tip for BIOGHTON STAKES. Subsequently find it is a
failure. No wonder. Start for Slushby-super-Mare. Honeymoon
begins to-morrow. (To be continued.) TaPHONus.
A CONFEDERATION OF COLLIERY OWNERS.-A coalition.
voL. xxx. No. 746.
[Are. 27, 1879.
FUN'S GUIDE T0. LONDON.
WALK THE SIXTH.
LoNDoN begins to smack of the sea in Leadenhall-street. After
passing a nautical instrument maker's, you see a Ship and Turtle.
The Leadenhall, from which the market derives its name, was a
manor house with a leaden roof. The Corporation being in
want of a suitable granary, the Lord Mayor suddenly smote
his head, exclaiming, "I've hit it-that's the kind of thing,"
and accordingly the analogously heavy-topped building was devoted
to the purpose. That poultry and game should come after grain was
a natural sequence. Skins also are sold in Leadenhall, and leathering
is supplied on very liberal terms to its younger frequenters who,
with the natural energy of youth, love a brisk market, and like
to make things go off quickly. The East India House has been
pulled down, but indiarubber mats may still be seen in the offices
erected on its site. Observe the church of St. Mary Axe. According
to some hagiographers the saint derived her name from the number
of votaries who besought her petitions on their behalf. At St.
Catherine Cree's a flower sermon is preached once a year. Every
hearer is expected to bring a nosegay, or at least to sport a button-
hole. Cauliflowers are objected to.
Turning at Aldgate Pump (N B.-The stranger should be warned
that bills made payable here are with difficulty negotiable), we find
ourselves in Fenchurch-street, cff which stands the terminus of the
most appropriately named Blackwall (and roof) Railway. In this
street the Ironmongers have their Hall. It is a gross calumny to state
that the Company is well known for its forgeries, but it does really
possess an endowment for the burning of witches. By an ingenious
reading of the dying words of the testatrix-"I'll warm them !"-the
Ironmongers have been able to devote this to coal gifts to old women.
Mincing-lane is so called because tea is sold there in chops. In it
stands Cloth Workers' Hall. This Company is somewhat singularly
formed-it counts more than one royal head among the members of
its corporation. A few old-fashioned samplers may be found, not
here, but in the neighboring Corn market.
Coming out into Gracechurch-street, let the stranger visit White
Hart-court, where, rather curiously, a Fox breathed his last. It was
once famous for its hunting and race meetings. Frcm Bishopagate-
street the London Tavern has evaporated, like the steam of its bygone
turtle soup, the spent breath of its touters for charity votes; and a
bank-no doubt started by the Liberation Society-has disestablished
the church at the corner. Observe the vaults in the basement of the
Centenary Hall. Was their tenant selected with a view that the
reverend gentlemen above, when weary with their labours, might call
spirits from the vasty deep ?-and will the spirits come when call d
for ? If not, refreshment can be obtained at Crosby Hall, hard by. It
was once used as a meeting house, and when the preacher came down
from his pulpit the auctioneer mounted the rostrum with a skip (we
do not mean a basket); but now the mouth is used for other purposes
within the ancient walls-they have been turned into an eating house.
As Richard the 'lhird once lived in Crosby Hall it is considered the
thing, when asked what cheese you will take there, to arswer,
" Treble Glo'stcr." Sir John, the founder of the Hall, is buried at
St. H len's, farther on, where also is buried Julius Cmesar, who-a fact
as to which our ordinary Histories of Rome are strangely silent-was
Master of the Rolls in James the First's reign. He could not, therefore,
have been assassinated ai.c. 44. Gresbam, who, as is well known,
was beheaded in El;zibeth's reign for having promoted a royal
exchange in the interests of Mary Queen of Scots, is likewise buried
here. He lived over the way, in Gresham House. There has been a
right of way through it ever since his execution. Walking into old
Gresham" was the playful appellation which the adherents of
Elizabeth gave to their visits to his mansion. (As the stranger could
not possibly obtain the recondite morceaxs of history with which our
Guide is sprinkled from any other source, they obviously add greatly to
Before leaving Bishopsgate-street let us mention that the Marine
Society has its head-quarters there. This excellent institution is
intend d to supply the Navy with Jacks-not Jollies, as its name
would seem to indicate.
Bishopsgate Church looks down at Aldgate Church as if wondering
how so Jewish a thoroughfare as Houndeditch could have found its
way in between them. This is a street famed for "swag" shops,
though swagger may be found all over the metropolis. On the east
side are the two old clothes exchanges, successors of Rag Fair. It is a
singular fact that utterly worn-out garments which once figured in
ball-rooms, when sold here re-appear in Kentish hops. In Duke's-
place," on the west of Houndeditch, the visitor will find a mart for
nuts, oranges, and lemons; and doubtless the Jew vendors will let him
have first-rate bargains if he purchases, because he is a stranger
within their gates. Within the Jewellers' Arms he may find Jew
jewellers who will dispose of their wares at rates equally below cost
In Aldgate-churchyard the dead were buried wholesale at the time
of the Great Plague. It has been said that the poor creatures had no
mourners, but it is evident that they were pitted extensively.
And now, having worked our way round to Aldgate Pomp again,
let us appoint its handle as the starting-point for our next ramble-
A ROMANCE OF THE THAMES.
A SroaY WITH A MoRAL.
OH, my heart beat high, and my breath came fast
As we floated the stream together,
The banks of the river we drifted past
In the beautiful sunlit weather.
A little wee hand in the stream you held
As we swept by the willows shady,
And your eyes met mine, by your heart impelled,
My most beautiful winsome lady;
And dicky-birds fluttering flew to greet
The girl of my choice, and sang Sweet, sweet, sweet."
I spoke neathh the shade of bracken and fern,
1 unfolded my soul's adoring,
With emotion iLtense with words that burn
All my pent-up feelings outpouring.
But with downcast eyes you my story heard,
And in silence you gravely listened,
Then you looked at me, darling, but spoke no word,
Though the tears in your bright eyes glistened.
And while of an undimmed future I spoke,
A fiog in the rushes went Croak, croak, croak."
The boat floated on down the sunlit stream,
You and I t'wards happiness driJting;
I read in your face I had found my dream
In your modest veiled eyes uplifting.
So long as the sun shone on waters blue
You declared 3 ou would fail me never,
While I was certain I'd always be true,
For ever for ever! for ever I
And I pressed your hand, and you pressed mine back,
As a duck in the river cried Quack, quack, quack."
We fastened the boat to an old, old free,
And over the meadows went straying,
Where no one but I could my love's blush see,
None else hear the words she was saying.
No thought but of happiness crossed my mind,
No dread of regret or repining;
A dearer I knew I never could find
Than she whom my arm was entwining.
Sure no happier couple the world e'er saw,
As an ass in a meadow brayed Haw-hee-haw."
The boat got adrift, and you tore your dress,
You were hungry and faint and weary,
You treated with scorn my proffered caress,
And you used hard words to your deary.
You said my affection was all pretence,
Professed not to be broken-hearted,
Refused e'en to listen to my defence,
So-in short-then and there we parted;
While a man who'd been watching us both from afar
Made a face o'er a paling, and laughed Ha, ha, ha.'
AUG. 27, 1879.] FU N 85
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL IN NORTH WALES.
THIS is the land of waterfalls and castles, sir. If there was never
an old Welsh monarch called Cataractacus-a kind of second cousin
once removed of King Caractacus's-there ought to have been; and
if life is, as we are often told, a game of chess, the ancient Cambrians
must have gone in, to a considerable extent, for castling, I should
There are also a great many passes about here, which it is the
fashion to go through in a coach, more or less old and ramshackle in
character. One I rode in yesterday, for instance, had not been on
any road for 17 seasons I was told. It looked such a broken-down
vehicle, indeed, that it was only fit to be broken up for firewood, or
to be sent to Zululand for one of the new king's state chariots.
I must not forget the views either. Several little places I have
been in have consisted seemingly of nothing but a large hotel and a
still more extensive view. The latter invariably includes mountains,
which it is the thing to go up. There is no Alpine Club about here,
but the alpenstock is on sale at the foot of every eminence, and guides
may also be hired. In point of fact, my experience is that it is much
easier to "hire" anything in North Wales than to "lower" it.
Take a guide, ,for instance, or rather don't take him unless you are
quite sure he is wanted, and you will find you can hire him as much
as you please. But suggest the lowering of his fee, and he at once
demurs, makes out it is unfeesable indeed, and, though only too
willing to go up," objects strongly to his price going down.
Nothing "lowers" in this part of the world, I verily believe, but the
I have a theory of my own that the Welsh landlords and shop-
keepers are now revenging themselves on us poor English for their
conquest in the 13th century. Incited thereto by their bards in odes
and lyrics in their native tongue, recited at the numerous "Eistedd-
fods that are held about the country, the Taffies of to-day are
"charging" home at us on all their ancient mountains," in all
their lovely vales," and making us pay dearly indeed for having
annexed them centuries ago. They no longer use the bill-hook, but
the hotel "bill"-an even more dangerous weapon; and though I
should not like to go so far as to say that the outspoken nursery rhyme
is correct in its estimate of the Welshman, yet Taffy," when he
keeps *n hotel or a shop, or lets lodgings, is certainly not so
scrupuldtitly jiut in his dealings with the stranger as I could wish.
He has'a befttiful country, however, and has long found out that
every 'kbttif~in has its "valley" in two senses. Snowdon, fur
example, must be most valley-able to the people living around its
foot. I have been up this mountain myself, so I speak from experience.
I slept on the topi in a kind of tumble-down shanty (a shilly-chdet "
I called it; but no matter), beguiled into this act by the assurance
that sunrise from the summit was a most rarely beautiful sight-
" summ'it' to say you've seen," observed a fellow traveller, when
you are down again."
Of course I did not see the sun rise. It is too misty nine times out
of ten, the guide confessed the next day, to see anything, except that
you have mist" what you came to see. Sa I see now why they call
it a rarely beautiful sight.
I came down, wet and miserable, feeling that a rise had been taken
out of me. But gloomy as I was, I had just heart enough left to ask
the barmaid at the Llanberis Hotel if she had any mountain-Peek and
Frean biscuits she could give me.
To hear a girl sigh,
How it makes a-man-di,
To learn if it's nature or art, sir!
For if it means Go," .
What can a-manr-do
But tp.ke up his hat and depart, sir !
Yet it may whisper Come,"
Then it strikes a-man-dum,
And he takes her with joy to his heart, sir.
Don't you "See."
WE have a friend who makes hay in his front garden, and always a
speaks of the resulting store as his "bishop-rick "-because, as he
says, it comes off his lawn."
For Wheel or Woe.
"WHEEL of Fortune is very fit, say the touts. But the worst of
it is, as it seems to us, is that a wheel," unless tired," cannot go
at all, and if tired" to begin with, is scarcely likely to win a race
like the St. Leger.
A SAL "-UTATIOV -G-ood morning, SIlly; how do you do P
TWO HEADS. :
W B'most bf is have hands and feet,
Whioh generally go in twains;
A di now and then a head we meet
Apparently containing brains.
Yet many heads are rftpty toys-
Mere hollow mok6riles-and "ne'r
Of use, except for barber's boys
To practise on in cutting hair!
But man may have-like feet and hands-
Two heads to aid him on his way:
An acquisition which commands
A joy to come, which must obey !
This solace and refreshment sweet
Is practically brought about
By causing his own head to meet
The head upon a pot of stout 1
SO IT A-BEER S.
THE editor of the "Bazaar" Guide to
our Coast is surely in error when he
alludes to "Beer," a small fishing village e
near Seaton, as a watering-place.
By-the-bye, it is said that this quaint
Devonshire place is very rocky. The most
prevalent rocks would doubtless be
quartz." Can it be off Beer, too, that
the famous "Bass" rock is found; or do
the fishermen ever secure a draught of
Bass in their nets ?
Tippling tourists will probably make a
"pint" of finding this out. We need
scarcely add that Beer is bounded on one
side by a jutting promontory ; so that, so
far from being flat, this Beer (bottled up
as it is) has a fine head to it, especially
when drawn by the artists who frequent it.
A BAD EXCUSE BETTER THAN NONE.
Gentleman :-"I SAY, WAITER, REALLY, YOU KAOW, THIS SOLE-AO--Is NOT FIlE-H."
MWaiter (blandly):-" Nor FREiR, SIK! OH, PERFECTLY FaRSH, SIR, BUT PERHAPS, SIR-
H'sm !-TOU MIGHT 'A SPOILT THE FLAVOUR BY A HEATING OF IT WITH 'TER KNIFE."
[AUG. 27, 1879.
AN AWFUL SEA MONSTER.
~* ~- ~ -"s _o Z _- -
Shivrey did not go to the seaside to bathe; he feared and hated a sea-bath. And directly he got down to the seaside, that monster with a head at each end
fixed him with its fearful eye.
If he took a Etroll on the cliff it dogged him on the beach below, yearning And one day he ventured on to the boulders; and it found him; and opening its
to get him. ravenous cavernous mouth, made him walk up its tongue and eater;
.'I/ ,? -- -
And with its grinders it worked off all hil
and spat them out;
s clothes, And tying him to one of its lashing tails, disgorged him afar into the merciless billow; and that was the
last that was ever heard of him; and he shudders with horror even now when he thinks of it.
FT-JN- -Auo. 27, 1879.
SY11 \ 1 V .
'* /(1 "
OR, REST AT HOME AND HARD WORK ABROAD.
THOUGHTS ON THE RIVER.
KDo foreign cattle on their way up the Thames want to land and go
to Grays P
Who is the anonymous aristocrat to whom the papers refer when
they report that there was a great swell on the river ?
Sweet are the swans upon its waters; still more welcome the Swans
upon its banks.
And not its swans alone. At Surley Hall a greeting awaits you
that will belie its name, and you can find a Pennicott. Where could
you sleep more cheaply ?
You may be going to Bray, and yet prove yourself an ass. No, by
George. 'Tis by the George, we swear. Go there. This is poetry,
but sound sense, nevertheless-both rhyme and reason.
"Skindle's" is a funny name, kept by Hoare at Maidenhead;
therefore, FuN approves the same-more than this need not be sai d.
If at Great Marlow you take your rest in the hostelry, kept by
Mrs. West, you will not want to change your erown.
A journey may be shortened by merely designing a bridge, since
then there is a bridge meant in the route.
Singular sight, especially in fresh water.-There is a lobster catch-
ing a crab.
Geese surely have exceptional facilities for feathering their oars,
and yet they are just the ones that can't do it.
A hint to betting boatmen.-If you keep on backing water you
will never win a race.
There are a good many Lilys among shop-girls. How they must
wish they were water-lilies-to open at noon and shut up before dusk !
The water elder is a sight pleasant to look upon, but the gin-and-
water elder does not follow suit. In his suit, by-the-bye, no one could
wish to follow.
How strange that the weather should become summery now that we
are abreast of a whilom nunnery.
Sion House should be spelt Sigh-on-an unmanly taunt addressed
to its young lady inmates who had repented of their vows to give up
What an admirable barge-horse Mr. Chadband would have made !
He was such an expert in toeing.
That staring shopkeeper's wife is turning up her nose at the steer-
ing bargeman's wife. Why so? The former may be a till woman, but
the latter is a tiller woman.
Anglers are a cowardly lot; if a little fish swims up to them they
hook it if they can.
Hints to the young fisherman.-Use ground bait. Keep on throwing
in little bits of the river bank. We should not advise you to go
floundering in the Thames.
Water may be swollen, and yet not chubby. Tench can always be
found in stench.
The anglers' season opens on All Fools' Day.
Scorn not lowly things. A weed beside a brook is not to be
THE UPWARD COURSE (ACCORDING TO LAW).
ONLY be guided by the law, and your morals can never be far
wrong," was what Gorn Rong's well-wishers always said to him.
Now the truth was that this Gorn Rong, in whom all the surrounding
philanthropists took so great an interest, was sunk in the very deepest
depths of moral depravity, and his case seemed absolutely past hope.
The cause of his awful condition was his not having adhered to and
worked upon that maxim about the law; he was not above com-
mitting any crime, as was manifested by his having committed the
most deadly crime known to the law, namely, stealing the sum of one
shilling from the pocket of a wealthy man. The large-hearted Law
was agonised at the deed, but its course was clear-he must be
punished with the utmost severity, for no crime so fearful as this
could be allowed to escape its penalty I
So the Law, covering its tears with its agitated hand, was about to
sentence the malefactor to be hanged by the neck; but, its heart
being too soft, it commuted the sentence to penal servitude for twenty-
one years. Now the unhappy and depraved criminal was fourteen
years of age when this sentence fell upon him, so that when he had
served his time, and was set free, he had attained the age of thirty-
And when the Law released him, it was still so full of horror at the
enormity of his past offence that it made a solemn and beneficent
resolve to attempt to wean and guide him from his terrible course;
and, to this end, it chose one of its most trusted apostles, a lawyer,
to follow about at his elbow and constantly instruct him in the
upward way towards perfect morality.
And a few days after his release, Gom Rong attempted to murder
somebody against whom he had a rather strong cause of anger, and
was again brought up before the Law. And when the Law saw him
up again, its heart sank, for it was afraid that he had been again
guilty of that unpardonable shilling crime, so that when it was in-
formed that this time Gorn had only attempted to murder somebody,
the Law breathed more freely, and was, though grieved, not hopeless.
Come, this is certainly a less awful clime than the other, and if
the prisoner had no motive-"
But he had a motive," said the prosecution.
The Law's countenance fell, for this made the crime graver-though,
of course, not so grave as the shilling one; and the Law was forced to
give Gorn fourteen years for it. But when half that term had elapsed,
the Law, pondering on the fact that Gorn's second crime had been less
awful than his first, and feeling that he certainly had improved in
morality, pitied him and gave him a ticket-of-leave; so he was free
again, and the Moral Guide followed again at his elbow.
In a week or so, as Gorn Rong was about to attempt another
murder, his Moral Guide drew him aside, and said: Let me beseech
you not to stain your soul with another crime so great as the last; if
you wish to attempt another murder, pray lessen the immorality of
the deed by becoming intoxicated beforehand, and thus rendering your-
Eelf less responsible for your acts."
The heart of Gorn was touched by this virtuous counsel, and he
made haste to follow it in its entirety; and when he was brought up
once more before the Law, the latter smiled hopefully, and murmured
to itself: A decided inclination towards crime still,-but yet how
great and flattering an improvement in this man;" and the Law
sentenced Gorn to a term of only seven years this time.
And within five years of the term the Law gave him another ticket-
of-leave, and his Moral Guide attended him daily wherever he went;
and now Gorn meditated a third attempt at murder, and the Moral
Guide got wind of itin time, and, buttonholing his ward, said: Now,
if you really seriously contemplate this further attempt, would it not
be your most moral method to p are yourself by a long course of
drink, so that your attempt could be made under conditions of com-
plete mental irresponsibility amounting to temporary insanity ?"
Gorn saw this argument at once (for his bosom was not, as we have
seen, impervious to the humanising influences of virtuous precept), and
shaped his actions according to the advice tendered; so when he was
brought before the Law for judgment this time the Law was quite
pleased with his obvious progress towards regeneration, and patted
itself on the back.
Of course," said the Law, there was an utter absence of motive
this time ?" Entirely so," admitted the prosecution; so Gorn Rong
was let off with two years, and set free at the end of one. After this
his progress towards virtue was astonishingly rapid; never again did
he appropriate cash, nor do any crime with a motive more reprehen-
sible than wanton malice and unprovoked cruelty. From touching the
property of another he shrank with a delicacy of feeling most touching
to witness; and, indeed, the only little error (or peccadillo, or failing)
that he habitually indulged in now was tearing out the tongue of a
horse (always his own horse, mind) or skinning a dog (his own dog,
And the Law was so virtuously triumphant at this notable example
of its reforming influences that it could hardly find it in its heart to
inflict the customary penalty of half-a-crown which generally follows
the small offences just mentioned. And, indeed, it was a beautiful
sight to see the reformed man sitting quietly under the shade of his
virtuous porch, and smiling that peaceful smile that only the good and
the law-abiding can produce.
Ah," he said to me one day, with a sigh, as he pulled out the
eyes of a favourite cat with a dresser-hook; "to think how bad I
used to be once I What a blessed change I" My eyes filled with tears
FUN's FALLACIES.-A walrus is a sea-horse; therefore, a bay-horse
must be a walrus.
TiE "COMMON" BEVERAGE AT THE CAMP.-Tent wine.
THE HOUSEWIFE'S REASON WHY.-" I say so !"
AUG. 27, 1879.]
[AUG. 27, 1879.
?ECD( ) 3' --. -
KNOWING THE NATURE OF AN OATH.-(A FACT.)
Little Billy :-" AIN'T THIS A PRIME PIPE I'E BOUGHT, JBMIMR P "
Jemima :-" FINE I WHICH DO YE LIKE BEST, BILLrY-MOKIN' on
SwEAni' F "
Little Billy :-" I DUNNO. I SPECrs I LIKB SWEARING' BEST THOUGH; THE
LARNIN' IT DO SEEM EASIER."
THE MAN WHO COULDN'T KISS;
O, A FATAL HOLIDAY.
SAMUEL was born at a comparatively early age, of the conventional
poor, but respectable, parents, residing near the thriving manufac-
turing town of A., in the county of Z. The period of our hero's
childhood was principally marked by the small-pox, and after re-
ceiving an expensive education at the district board-school, he duly
began to look about him with a view to getting a "living." I don't
mean that he entertained any ideas of taking orders." He contented
himself with carrying the "articles (more than 39) home.
After working out his time and destiny in this manner for three
years, he was dubiously fortunate enough to obtain the confidential
situation of assistant to a prosperous dairyman in London town; so,
with tears in his eyes and two pun' ten in his pocket, he turned his
back on his birthplace to find himself one fine, foggy afternoon at
King's Cross. He hadn't, like most of his prototypes, walked to
London, he went on his walk when he got there, and the notions he
sucked in with his master's milk so adulterated what good principles
he had that he speedily developed into a confirmed flirt. You see,
this was the result of bad example. His master tried to make so
much milk go a long way; Samuel, gifted, like most human beings,
with so mueh love, endeavoured to make that go a long way, and
instead of centring his pure and unalloyed affection upon one,
adulterating it with penchant#, he distributed it in small doses among
a good many. And so he soon got to be a well-known character at
Hopper's, Jumper's, and other second-rate saltatorial saloons, varying
his visits to these places with holiday excursions to such shrines of
kiss-in-the-ring as the Welsh Harp and Greenwich Park.
Well, it was during a trip to Kew by steamer he met Sarah. After
that Sarah used to meet him. He struggled, reprehensibly it may be,
but it must be confessed gamely, against a fascination which seemed
gradually subverting his acquired loving-and-riding-away proclivities.
FROM THE MOORS.
As o'er the purple heath I stray,
Or rest me on the lichened stone,
Sweetheart, though thou art far away,
I do not feel myself alone !
My fancy is so strong in thought,
The breeze is like your breath a-nigh;
The perfume that the breezes brought
Was like your presence, like your sigh.
The bracken fern, with feath'ry frond,
Caressed my hand; I thought of you
With strength that bore my soul beyond
The purple heath and distant blue.
And I would prove my words sincere,
So send, addressed unto your house,
Material proof I hold you dear,-
Two brace of young and tender grouse I
A CLOTHES ARGUMENT.
THE female sex are often charged with an excessive
love for clothes. This generally only applies to their
own. Jean Paul Richter, however, gives an instance
of an extended affection, for in a letter to his friend
Otto, written soon after his marriage to Caroline Meyer,
he says of his wife, "As she loves me she loves all
my clothes." In Cymbeline Imogen says:
His meanest garment
That ever hath but clipt his body is dearer
In my esteem than all the hairs upon thee,
Were they all made such men!"
Is it possible that these views were held by T. Moore,
and that the last word in the following lines may be a
misprint for "clothes ?-
"The heart that has truly loved never forgets,
But as truly loves on to the close."
WE understand that the Marylebone Cricket Club
lately refused to elect an artist as a member. It would
be his interest, it was urged, to, if possible, draw all
the matches in which he was engaged.
SONG OF TUB NIGHT-IN-AG&L.-Steward!
He told her he was a flirt. She said she was the same, and two
" likes" were surely equal to one common "love." He remarked he
was a rake. She observed, "Rakes make the best husbands."
" That depends in a great measure on the views their wives choose to
adopt concerning it," he suggested. Then rest content," she re-
plied. And he had to. They were "asked" in church, as though
they had been riddles, which perhaps they were, since they enter-
tained the idea of giving up" themselves in mutual sacrifice at the
altar. The happy day had been named-frequently, in fact. Sam
had purchased his connubial pants, and was soon to don them, when
he bethought himself of having one last look at his bacheloric haunts
before the veil (bridal) was drawn between him and comprehensive
osculation for ever.
This evil idea possessing him on a certain first Monday
in August," he started off to Rosherville with the "advertised"
intention of spending a happy day," Sarah being put off with a
suitable excuse. He joined the magic circle, and seizing the first
available opportunity and vacancy, soon became the cynosure of most
of the female eyes present, while his shoulders were the constant
resting-place of the coveted kerchief. The fun went on till dusk;
then he left to go to Sarah. She received him demonstratively, so,
in equivalent, he placed his jaded lips upon her expansive cheek
Now, those readers who are in the tender and filial practice of
kissing their fathers and mothers before going to bed are well aware
that to perform this much-to-be-admired act of affection it is necessary,
by means of certain so designed muscles, to screw up the lips as
though about to whistle, and suddenly disappoint the organophonic
faculties by letting go with a resonant "smack." Sam placed his
lips on her cheek, tried to contract them and-couldn't!
Lawks I" cried the waiting one ; what ails the man?"
He tried again, but all to no purpose.
Kiss me 1" she screamed.-" Can't !" he cried
AuG. 27, 1879.]
"Fetch a doctor," she vociferated; and the practitioner was
"fetched," when he saw the state of the case.
"Dear, dear I" he remarked. "A total paralysis of the museuli
buccinatores, supervening from their over-exertion. You must have
been whistling to an unparalleled extent, my man."
Sam," shrieked Sarah; you've been a-kissing." He cowered.
Then it all came out, and he came out of it badly, and the doctor's
fee came out of her pocket. Then Samuel left her, and in a very
"marked" manner. He went home in despair, tore up the pants in
disgust, and was discharged from his employment for wasting his
master's stock-in-trade in cooling his fevered brow under the pump I
Sam tried all sorts of so-called remedies, in the shape of galvanism,
&c., to recover this branch of the use of his lips, but without avail.
He couldn't kiss worth a red cent. Sarah also was deeply cast down,
and cast about for another, but found him not; till, one day, in a
journal devoted to the manufacture of matrimonial matches, she
lighted on the box-I mean, on an advertisement relating to a
marriage lottery (Mem.-So it is.), headed, "A Husband for Half-
a-crown," in which four thousand females were to purchase two-and-
sixpenny chances, the winner to marry the promoter and have the
proceeds of the lottery settled on herself. She took a chance and
drew the prize, and when she went to view it preparatory to taking it
for better or for worse, she found it was her old fianed, Samuel.
"Fate," she observed, "and 500 are not to be denied." So she
married him and they were happy.
Certainly he couldn't kiss her, but others could-I don't say they
did-while he couldn't kiss others, and they couldn't kiss him, be-
cause the man always has to take the initiative in such cases.
AN UNFORESEEN CATASTROPHE I!
(Spoken to my landlady.)
OH, Mrs. Grip, this gentle cat
In whom each noble virtue blends
So claims my best affections that
We have become the closest friends;
So far from bearing any spite,
I frankly say it seems to me
He even has a sort of right
To like my sugar and my tea.
Accursed be the hand that harms
That pure and guileless feline brow ;
I'm so enchanted with his charms
We're quite inseparable now I
Should thoughtless tempests rudely blow
Upon him I am all despair ;
I take your cat where'er I go,
And tend him with maternal care.
And now a boatman, Mrs. Grip,
Has very kindly offered me
A sail upon his little ship
About the ever-bounding sea ;
This boatman's humble fare does not
Exceed a shilling in and out;
And this delightful trip is what
I sought your side to speak about.
This gentle animal, your cat
(To whose detractors I'm a foe),
Has just as good as told me that
He should so greatly like to go;
And though the sea, it's understood,
Is not in pussy's wonted range,
I'm sure the trip would do him good;
I'm certain he would like the change.
Oh, thank you, ma'am; how kind to let
The little darling creature go ;
You won't be parted from your pet
For longer than an hour or so;
He might be frightened when we tack
And toss about; in view of which
Suppose we put him in a sack,
Andithen he wouldn't see the pitch ?
And if we tie a biggish stone
About the sack's enfolding neck,
It might prevent his being blown
By reckless gales from off the deck:
There-now we're ready for the trip-
Eh ? Yes, it gives him lots of air;
Now, kiss your pussy, Mrs. Grip -
The sea's a treacherous affair!
(A couple of hours after.)
Oh, Mrs. Grip, I am so grieved !
Henceforth, my earthly joys are few!
To think you should be thus bereaved-
Oh, what am I to say to you ?
All terms of grief I can employ
As insufficient as could be I
He was your only earthly joy-
And-oh, how dear he was to me!
No storm was raging far and wide-
No battling tempest swept our prow;
I held him o'er the vessel's side
To let the zephyrs bathe his brow;
When downward, all at once, he sped-
'Mid grief and horror too intense I-
And sought the ocean's stormy bed
As though some voice had called him hence I
Take comfort-in some coral grot
The sirens wanted him, no doubt;
I needn't tell you what a lot
Of these sea-mice there are about ?
Henceforth the life that I shall lead
Will be too gloomy-hopeless-grim;
My tea and sugar will indeed
Be tasteless now, unshared by him!
RULES FOR LORD MAYORS.
BY ONE WHO IS IN THE BUSINESS.
THE great object of a Lord Mayor is to be disagreeable to every one.
Bearing this well in mind, the following golden rules will be found
extremely useful to aspirants:-
1. Upon assuming office an official banquet has to be given. Strike
out of the invitation list all those persons usually invited, and fill up
the list with those people who have no earthly right to be there. This
will show your independence.
2. Snub the press, of course. Writing people must be made to know
their places, which are certainly not at the dinner table of a Lord
3. Turn out of the Mansion House all offices of charitable com-
mittees that may have been there in the time of your predecessor.
Charity may begin at home, but that is no reason why it should always
4. In nominating the sheriffs, carefully reject the names of persons
willing to serve and select those who are unwilling. If they positively
refuse the office, then inflict upon them the full fine. By this means
you can pay off any old scores that may be outstanding, and still be
acting in a perfectly legal manner.
5. Depart as much as possible from all recognized civic manners and
customs. This is an age of progress, and the car of advancement is
apt to go over the toes of those who get in its way.
6. Finally, the really good Lord Mayor should make himself so offen-
sive to everybody during his term of office, that when it is concluded
all rejoice, and a general happiness prevades the civic atmosphere.
THEM is a man now living near Haverstock-hill whose nature is so
essentially truthful that even his hair will not lie.
Caution to the Trade.
IT is obviously unwise for men who practise the art of die-sinking to
indulge frequently in aquatic excursions.
RIFLEMEN'S FAVOURITE PASTRY AT WIMBLEDON.-" Mag-pies"
[AUG. 27, 1879.
THE WANE OF THE HONEYMOON.
Dearest of Lve8 :-" MY ANGEL, WE OUGHT TO BE THINKING OF GETTING BACK TO TOWN."
&Soeetedt of Pets:-" As SOON AS EVBR YOU LIKE, DEAREST, TO BE DONE WITH THIS WEARY MOONING AND SPOONING."
Miss GENmvEvE WARD'S season at the Lyceum ought to be a
successful one if pluck and enterprise meet with their due reward.
She has produced another novelty, a new and original play by
Messrs. F. C. Grove and Hermann Merivale, entitled Forget-Me-
Not, which is naturally full of flowery language.
Mr. Barry Sullivan has concluded his legitimate performances at
the Haymarket, and Mr. J. S. Clarke is now delighting his patrons
with his ever-welcome Dr. Pangloss and Major Wellington de Boots-a
class of entertainment considerably more suited to that theatre. The
Haymarket is not adapted for the tragic muse; the habituds prefer
something more amusing.
We must take exception to the position in the bill of a lively and
successful farce by Mr. R. Soutar, entitled Cut and Come Again, at
the Olympic. It is the first piece of the evening, which is obviously
a mistake. It would be Soutarbly appropriate if the concluding item
were Cut and Come Again.
Mr. Charles Reade has presented Mr. Charles Warner, of the
Princess's Theatre, with a loving cup, in memory of his remarkable
performance in Drink. Mr. Warner will doubtless long cherish the
pleasant remembrances of Mr. Reade's C(o)up-eau !
It is stated in one of the numerous complimentary criticisms of Mr.
Burnand's new piece at the Criterion that Batsy leaves nothing to be
desired." This confirms our opinion that the comedy is a thoroughly
" taking" ene.
Miss Eveleen Rayne will, it is said, shortly abandon the stage as a
profession in favour of matrimony. We never heard of matrimony
being called a "profession" before, though the lady at that ceremony
certainly professes to obey, &c. We wonder whether, in her new line
of business, she will be a "leading lady."
On September 30 the Court Theatre will open under the manage-
ment of Mr. Wi]son Barrett, when a version of Sardou's Fernande will
be produced. We should have thought the company (which is a very
strong one) would have included Mr. Fernandez, but that gentleman is
engaged for the Adelphi, where, on about the same date, will be
produced a new drama by Mr. W. G. Wills. Messrs. Gatti attribute
their past successful management to always having wills of their own.
Messrs. James and Thorne revived Our Domestics at the Vaudeville
on Saturday last, in which farcical comedy they sustain their original .
characters. The title of this piece is very suggestive of "good situa-
tions" and domestic interest, so there cau be little doubt that Our
Domestics will not be found "out of place "-in the bill of this
Mr. Howe has met with a most flattering reception at the Vaude-
ville, where he is supposed to have permanently taken up his abode.
It is a curious coincidence that when he left the Haymarket, where
he had been over forty years, his first appearance elsewhere should be
in Home for Home.
THE MARKSMAN'S FAVOURITE COLOUR.-A Wimble-" dun."
CHADWICK FOS CADBURY'S
SE G COCOA ESSENCE
CHADWICK'S, PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHIN Thes. eni neither stch on the paper nor sprt the i h
CO T T O NS-'~-' w ANDOTTW K a O CAUsTION.-It coeor th' C eseas, sA. espssit rwes the Proprieos afT ,et 1 r3 lee at street, o ndo, a A uustrk B2,187.
7 vv.t Fhcv worits, St, AmArev's ELM. Docton'Cowaym, and Publialled (for the Froprietors) at 1A Fleet Strad, R.O.-London, August 27, 1879.
SEPT. 3, 1879.] FUT Nc 93
Mary:-" GET OUT WID YE, PAT I YE NIVVER MANE THE HALF THAT YE SAY "
Pat:-" SURE THEN, MARY, I MANE THE OTHER HALF DOUBLE, 80 IT'S ALL ONE 1"
TO MARY THE HOUSEMAID. TIPS FOR ADMIRALTY CIVIL LORDS.
(ON MY RETURN TROM THE SEA-SIDE.) By A. REEFER.
THE gentleman, Mary, who happened to call WHEN a boat "turns turtle," all the green fat is the perquisite of
When I was away by the sea, the captain.
Was not, as you tell me he stated, at all Anchors are "weighed after use. This is done to enable the
Well-known and beloved by me; captain to make the necessary returns of loss of weight by wear.
His saying he dined with me daily in town A sailor is obliged to keep sober when out of spirits; but if he is,
Was something, at least, of a "twist," "rum" is allowed to be drunk.
And the name he presented of-what was it P-Brown The "taffrail" is where the Welsh sailors sit when they have
Is not on my visitors' list. toasted cheese for supper.
A milliner is always kept on board a ship to trim the sails.
And further, though memories often are bad The duty of the man at the wheel is to put the Akid on when
(Nor are their possessors to blame), the ship is going down.
I cannot but think it was odd that he had Mouse "-ing a rope signifies covering it with mouse skin to pre-
Entirely forgotten my name; vent chafing. If no mouse skin can be obtained the skin is taken
And you, as I fancy, committed too great from a rat-ling."
An error in generalship The admiral's mouth is called a port-hole.
In asking him into the parlour to wait The ship's tailor is always sent on cutting out expeditions.
Until I return from the trip. A "reefer" is so designated from his being the officer to whom,
He told you, I think, that he'd only run down, in cases of difficulty, others may refer.
Because he was greatly impressed
By the glowing accounts that I'd given in town A Pons Asinorum.
Of the beautiful plate I possessedP IT is stated that eighty-four of the Chambers of Commerce in
He suggested your bringing it forth to his view, France and Belgium have approved of the idea of bridging the
Oh Mary, his love of such trifles was greatrue- English Channel. We always did think foreigners had curious idea
Oh Mary, his words were exceedingly true- "oer the tate,."
He had an affection for plate I over the water.!
A "Cape "-able Garment.
SVery Much Ta. T~REa is a new mantle for sea-side wear which is called the
MR. THOMAS BRASSEY, M.P., has offered a prize of 25 for the "Walter Scott." We admit we do not see the appropriateness of such
best handbook of suggestions to skippers and mates who want to a name. Had they called it the Wave-"iley now, and made it of
make their crews religious. There is no doubt that such a work will "Surge," we could understand it better.
be eminently useful, lor at present a sailor's idea of spiritual con-
solation is decidedly rum. WHERB MONGRELS FEEL AT HOMB.-In Mongrelia.
TOL. -xx. Ne. 747
94 J .[SEr. 3, 1879.
FUN'S GUIDE TO LONDON.
WALK THE SEVENTH.
CHAucaR lived in the Gate House of Aldgate, and kept cider cellars
there-doubtless presiding at the harmonic meetings. It is not
generally known that we are indebted to this poet for that exquisite
lyric, Hot Codlins." The stranger will observe that we are still in
Jewish London. Moses and his son may be found at the corner of
the Minories, with profits anything but minor. Behind Jewry-
street we find Crutched-friars. In the thoroughfare turning off at
Sparrow's-corner (infamous as the dwelling-place of the murderer of
Cock Robin) Mint has supplanted Rosemary-queerly aromatic names,
since mouldy old things of all kinds are still the staples of
this neighbourhood. And yet it may be called the court end
of the town. The courtiers are largely Irish, and small
Irish also; children squatting and leaping everywhere, like frogs.
Permission to view the Royal Mint is not necessary if visitors
are content to remain outside; but if they want to go in they
must take orders- not necessarily from a Bishop, unless he be also
Chancellor of the Exchequer. Although this is a Royal institution,
sovereigns are punched and struck here. In Goodman's Fields-so
called on account of the character of the inhabitants-the visitor, if he
does not mind a little trouble, will discover Mill-yard. Why it should
be so called distinctively we cannot say, since mills are common in all
the yards about here. The differentiating feature of this one is the old
meeting-house of the Seventh Day Baptists-an amiable little denomi-
nation which appears to have been started with the benevolent intention
of giving its adherents two holidays a week. In Leman-street Garrick
acted in the Garrick," which afterwards became a penny gaff famous
for nautical pieces, with, of course, gaff topsails in them.
On coming into the main thoroughfare again, let the visitor note the
little seals hanging on to the sheep and oxen in Butchers'-row. If
he asks the meaning of this phenomenon he will be told co-shar;"
but this will not signify that he is being politely introduced to the
partners of the butcher addressed. On the opposite side of the way is
Petticoat-lane, also called Middlesex-street, because a good many of
its frequenters seem to be neither men nor women. Instead of being
sent abroad to become cold missionary on the sideboard, English
evangelists might certainly be kept for home consumption. The Lane,
a name which includes its purlieus, is another mart of second-hand
things of all sorts; but their vendors are first-rate hands at selling
their goods and their customers. It must not be supposed that this is
an utterly benighted neighbourhood. There are sharp conveyancers
amongst its population, and many of them know how to fence. On
Sunday morning it would be possible to walk on the heads of the
crowded people jostling in the Lane; but, if our disciple has any
regard for his own, we should not advise him to try. As if there was
not jam enough already; Jewish confectionery is sold here on a large
scale. To conciliate the natives, the visitor might purchase other of
the chief wares, and thread the throng with a fried fish in one hand
and a pickled cucumber in the other, taking a bite whenever he could
raise his hand to his head. In Flower and Dean-street and other
tributaries of Commercial-street there are a number of lodging-houses,
which we strongly recommend the stranger of philanthropic disposi-
tion desirous of benefiting the lower classes of Londoners to visit, say,
between 11 and 12 p.m. He may get a policeman to accompany him
if he pleases, but in that case the poor creatures will not so openly
make known their wants. Not far off, on both sides of Brick-lane,
stands the great brewery of Truman, Hanbury, Buxton, and Co. This
lane is so called in compliment to the founders of the firm, who with
it established one of those eccentrically hospitable customs peculiar to
England. On May morning every comer can receive, after payment
of a penny in farthings, a hogshead of XXX, on condition that he
carries it home on his head. In HBare-street, singularly enough, there
is a bird fair every Sunday morning, at which, still more singularly,
pigs have been sold-doubtless by Irish fanciers; pigeons are some-
times exchanged for sprats." The chaffinch finds much favour here;
likewise the chaff from which it does not take its name.
The silk manufacture is dying out from Bethnal-green and Spital-
fields, and we hear many complaints of the dyeing of the silk also.
It should be remembered, however, by those who denounce this as a
fraudulent novelty that the Huguenots who planted the silk trade
here all died. Spitalfields Market is more remarkable for its
potatoes than its architecture; but, situate in the midst of a squalid
neighbourhood, it has proved very serviceable to the poor who
adopt the system of self-help. They do not patronise the Columbia
Market, because there is nothing there that they care to help
themselves to. Various uses have been suggested for that beautiful
blunder. As its Columbia is manifestly British, why should not
the Agent-General of that colony remove thither from Gracechurch-
street ? But perhaps another colony might object, since this British
Columbia has annexed Nova Scotia Gardens.
THE asphalt s melting and smelling fearful,
And clings unto one like an evil name;
And seven sunstrokes per day's the cheerful
Rate at which King Sol knocks down his game.
Or, plainly stated, the weather's torrid,
Our ices simmer, and our sorbets boil;
And serge-clad Britons impart a horrid
Aspect of Peckham to the Pally Royle.
The light loves playing" in hotel portals,
Where shrill Columbian 's the tongue most heard,
Feel less like play than obese Immortals
Dully dissecting a byegone word.
"Reliche comprises all information
The kiosques vouchsafe as to what is played-
And there's less talk of Regeneration,
Among the scribes at the Caf6 Suede.
0, leave it sweltering, the sodden city,
Let Plon-Plon pose and Simon cabal,
Leave boulevards melting and gardens gritty,
The Ferry Bill and the fairy-Sal.
There at St. Lazare they sell you tickets
For something under a three-franc fare,
That take you gaily to Croissy thickets,
The isle which boasts of the Grenouillere.
The Frog Pond! doubtless the term's not pretty,
Fate, the crabbed sponsor, oft gives bad names;
But there are things seen from yon frail jetty
That beat the beauties of Father Thames:
Chatou's green branches afar, and glaring
On limpid water-and knees, and necks,
The autumn sunlight shows one a daring
And odd confusion of class and sex.
A pontoon-cafe with bare-legged waiters,
Creatures partaking of Jeames and tar,
Gommeux in tight boots and pea-green gaiters,
A Dame urbane at the usual bar ;
And mixing freely, between two douches,
With Mossoo, courteous and unsurprised,
Amphibious ladies in straw babouches
And too succinctly, well, Bloomerised.
It's an absurd and seductive vision-
There some are dripping and flirt the while
They choke a parrot "-that's pure Parisian
For tippling absinthe in graceful style.
There Gauls, with forms not made for displaying,
Squat in cale ons o'er the coffee cup,
Reviling Grevy or Thiers, or playing
Chinese b6sique with three thousand up.
0, many a sunny midsummer Sunday
Gipsy Paris thro' the Bay has past ;
Ladies, perhaps, whom Our Lady Grundy
Would think too pretty, and call too fast.
But pleasure stalks in no buckram boddice
Where About's laughter makes clear the air;
And if they lit on that British Goddess,
They'd duck Madame in the Grenouillere.
And when the lights wane, a cool wind ripples
The baylet freed from the festive crowds,
And evening's subtle and sweet art stipples
The hazy background of trees and clouds,
Not the least pleasant and piquant feature
Of such small feast days I d have you try,
Is some crisp, golden, and glorious friture
Of gudgeon hooked from the Seine hard by.
SSsr. 3, 1879.]
WHERE ARE THE FRIENDS OF MY YOUTH?
OH, how well I remember that ball, one December,
So many years since in the long long ago ;
With the pretty feet dancing, the happy eyes glancing !-
Can pleasures of youth come again F-Oh no, no.
The bright lights were flashing, the music was crashing,
The beauties I loved sat and blushed in -a row;
The belles that I'm singing were all worth the ringing,
At least, so I thought, in the long long ago.
There was Rose, there was Gerty, and Florence the flirty,
With Ada the pensive and Minnie the gay;
There was Esther pedantic, and Helen romantic,
With Grace the most lovely, and sweet little May.
But now Florence the flirty confesses to thirty,
Her dresses are sombre, she's starchy and prim;
At the sterner sex railing she still has a failing,
And, true to her nature, she's fond of a hymn.
Rose, once most bewitching, no longer is rich in
Those charms which her youth so superbly displayed,;
She's skinny and scraggy, and so chattermaggy,
She now is a witch of whom all are afraid.
There was Minnie the sprightly who hopped away lightly,
Eloping to marry a little foot page;
But when they reached Dover she turned the page over,
And scampered back homeward in time to grow sage.
Far across the Atlantic sweet Helen, romantic,
Has found, so she says, in her husband a prize;
I hear now about her she grows stout and stouter,
Betraying romance in nought else but her sighs.
Then Miss Ada the pensive has grown quite offensive,
By hoarding her money and losing her sense
Till her friends all despise her, she's such an old miser,
Her pensiveness now is but thought for the pence.
Once with face like a baby, say, what will sweet May be,
When time by a lustre has lengthened her days
She's the mother of ten now !-What will she be then, now P
Already a May fills her friends with amaze.
Pedantic young Esther has married a jester
Who jokes at her verses and laughs at her prose,
And while ever she's fretting, her husband's regretting
Her knowledge ne'er gave to him one of her noes.
Once Grace the capricious was really delicious,
More lovely than all, and the fact I'll engage,
Till, adorned in a crack dress, she came out an actress;
She wanted to travel, so went on the stage.
And what is the writer ?-A snarler and biter,
Who likes to be spiteful whenever he can;
A scoffer and growler, a cynical howler,
A poor disappointed and jilted old man.
A Classic Seat.
IN electioneering circles there is some talk of bringing Mr. Glad-
stone forward again for the University of Oxford. Considering how
greatly the right honourable gentleman, since he last represented
that constituency, has extended his reputation as a polite letter
writer, there would be something particularly appropriate in his taking
his seat in our next Parliament as the member for Litere Humaniores.
THE ROOT OF X CUBED (TREBLE X).-Liquorice root.
MR. Cono0NB CARTER having before him, last week,
a witness whose youth made him doubt whether he were
sufficiently sagacious to understand the nature of an
oath, put the following question to him, "If you were
to steal a watch, and someone were to see you, what
would be done to you ?" a test which we consider most
unfair, since the glorious uncertainty of British verdicts
makes it an extremely difficult question for a full-grown
man to answer. For instance, in Worcestershire, last
week, a man got fourteen days for appropriating an
onion; in Lincolnshire a youth who had taken three
raspberries was sentenced to three weeks; and in
Dorsetahire, last Tuesday, the magistrates committed
a poor houseless wretch for three months for-highway
robbery with violence P-oh, dear no; something much
worse than that in the eye of the law-for sleeping
under a hayriek! Comment on such an iniquitous
sentence is superfluous, but we would remark that the
finding in this case, apart from the injustice, is not law.
The man was committed as "a vagrant," and yet it is
perfectly clear that if he went to sleep against a hayrick
he had very "visible means of support."
MR. R. C. WooDVILLE has painted a military por-
trait of the late Prince Imperial, which he calls "A
Reconnaissance in Zululand." There is an additional
interest attached to the picture from the fact that
the landscape background is painted from sketches
made by the Prince, while the dress and accoutrements
which he actually wore on the occasion were all placed
at the disposal of the painter. The picture is destined
for Chislehurst, and will add to the repute of this rising
Messrs. Field and Tuer have issued a wonderfully
got up volume, Luxurious Bathing." As an
imitation of old work, paper, print, and vellum-binding
are nearly perfect. The short essay by Mr. Tuer on the
bath is pleasantly written, and to the innocent in such
matters fairly instructive. Of the etchings by Mr. Sutton
Sharpe, some of the initials are good, but all bear the
stamp of amateur work rather than that of an accom-
plished or highly-educated artist. One really feels
at a loss to know why either essay or etchings should
have received such pretentious treatment.
WooD3N PxcIovUS STroNs.-Timbers of a-gate.
THE WRONG KEY.
Thief No. 1.:-" Wor A' YER LANDED, GEORGE F"
Thief No. 2 :-" Ox'Y THIS YERB GOLD TICKER-ONE 0' THEM KEYLESS
Thief No. 1 :-"GAR! THAT AIN'T-NO KEYLESS TICKER."
Thief No. 2 :-" TELL T .R IT is-I AIN'T GOT THE xK, ANY'OW."
A NEW LAY."
Fun has found out a new profeasion-alh, and lucrative too, he can tell you !
When he sees, at a railway station, three parties of unusually innocent aspect-three parties conspicuously unacquainted with one another-
I 0 1W -S* I JiI
He gets into the compartment into which they get, and sits and looks
innocent and good;
[SEPT. 3, 1879.
i1FUINi-r-e"EPT. 3, 1879. .1
PUMPING PUBLIC OPINION.-THE COLD WATER CURE.
John Bull:-" YOU'D BETTER TAKE IT QUIETLY, MY MEN; YOU GOT YOURSELVES INTO HOT WATER AND
SEPT. 3, 1879.]
"HONESTY ITS OWN REWARD."
A stingy gentleman has given a young crossing-sweeper aixpence.
Oroising Sweeper (running after gentleman) :-" Oh, if you please,
sir, it's a bad 'un."
Stingy Gent (complacently) :-" A bad one, is it, my good boy?
Well, no matter, keep it for your honesty! "
THE GREAT PASSENGER TRIALS.
(FROM Oun SPECIAL Co-nBsrONDENT).
IN the present age-while science is daily effecting such vast and
rapid strides in every direction, and in especial while such astonishing
results are almost hourly attained in the competition between the
offensive on the one hand and the defensive on the other, or, in plainer
words, between our terrible developments of modem ordnance and the
perhaps less terrible, though certainly no less remarkable, specimens
of armour-plating provided to resist their force*-it behoves the rail-
way companies, if, indeed, they would not be left, so to speak, high
and dry upon the shelf peculiar to the effete and the obsolete, to bestir
themselves and keep in the rack, even if not in the van, of the
Fully appreciating this necessity, the directors of the General
Turnova, Crushem, and Poundem Railway Company have for some
time past contemplated a careful series of passenger trials, with the end
in view of ascertaining how great a percentage of the present super-
fluity of force expended in passenger-crushing may be saved.
It is perhaps unnecessary to explain that the directors have long
viewed with regret the reckless waste of valuable power which has
made itself only too manifest in almost all the railway smashes since
the very commencement of the system, this regrettable principle being
actually carried to its reduction ad absurdum in the majority of lesser
cases-notably in one example (drawn from a hundred others), in
which two valuable engines were severely damaged, several carriages
wrecked, and a great length of line actually torn up with the miser-
able and insignificant result of one passenger slightly flattened! Could
a more reckless and distressing waste of force be conceived ?
It is not, of course, to be denied that there have from time to time
occurred well-arranged smashes in which the results not only satisfac-
torily covered the outlay of power, but even went some way towards
making good the deficiency of result so observable in the lesser
attempts-such, for instance, as the Bunglblundr Bridge accident,"
in which no fewer than three hundred passengers were completely
pulverised at the expense of only one engine and some five or six
carriages; but such noble samples of skill as these have been, alas !
only too conspicuous by their absence.
It was with the hope of effecting some improvement in this wasteful
state of things that the directors therefore decided upon the "trials,"
which took place yesterday with, as far as the gain of practical ex-
perience is concerned, satisfactory results. -
At an early hour of the day the members of the Press, among whom
was myself, assembled at the London Terminus of the company,
whence we were to proceed by special train to the scene of the trials.
While the train was being brought up there was plenty to engage our
interest in the large crowd of passengers who were destined to be used
in the forthcoming experiments-passengers of all ages and conditions,
at present penned together within a temporary wall of luggage-
Wonderful piece of padding this; nearly up to the newspapers.
As soon as the train had come slowly alongside the platform the
passengers were driven into a number of worn-out carriages provided
for their accommodation (it being, of course, judged unnecessary to
sacrifice new and good carriages in these trials), and our attention
was particularly drawn to a group of eight very fat passengers who
were placed together in a first-class compartment, and, in answer to
our inquiries respecting them, the courteous and indefatigable traffic
manager of the line, Mr. Startemoff Ennihowe, informed us that one
of the toughest problems to be dealt with being the effectual smashing
of very fat persons in padded carriages, these eight had been chosen
out for a special trial on an improved principle which would, if suc-
cessful, open up the way towards a new system of railway destruction.
An hour and a half brought us to the quiet branch line chosen for the
occasion, and on alighting at the little station of Alter Shivvereens (the
station-master of which, highly flattered at his station being so distin-
guished, was bowing and smiling upon the platform), it was found
that a light refreshment had, by the thoughtfulness of Mr. Ennihowe,
been provided for the directors and the members of the Press.
We now proceeded in a body to an embankment situated at a safe
height above the line, whence the performances could be conveniently
witnessed. The first trial presented no features of peculiar interest,
the object being merely to ascertain how much some fifty passengers
could be shaken up by the running of some trucks down a decline
into the carriages.
Some few hundred teeth having been knocked out and a few bones
put out, the judges seemed somewhat disappointed with the result;
and the uninjured passengers were quickly collected to be utilised in
the next experiment, the damaged ones being thrown aside as of no
further use. From this time the experiments increased, step by step,
in interest; the pulverizing of some eighty passengers crammed into
one third-class compartment being successfully effected with a sur-
prisingly small employment of steam power and speed, and the
interest and excitement grew intense on the next experiment-the fat
passenger experiment-being announced. Now, indeed, it was ob-
vious that the traffic manager, when enlarging upon the difficulties in
the way of properly pounding up fat persons, had in no way exag-
gerated the case; for, in point of fact, nine distinct experiments were
carried out before any impression whatever was made upon either of
the eight employed; and, in the end, it was found necessary to
enclose the fat ones in a horse-box, filling up the interstices with
sharp stones, and then to drive two engines simultaneously at full
speed against either end of the box so packed; but even then, on the
fat ones being taken out, it was found that they had only been some-
what altered in shape by the impressions made upon their surfaces by
the stones; and in consequence of this trial I believe the directors
have since decided not to carry fat passengers over their line at all.
The trials were brought to a termination by a grand collision of
two express trains started at a distance of ten miles apart; and here
the results were indeed flattering, not an atom of passenger being
traceable afterwards, a small quantity of fine dust alone marking the
scene of the experiment.
After a most interesting day, we returned by our special train to
London, having gleaned no little experience and an infinity of
pleasure from the proceedings. I have since been informed that the
deduction gathered from the trials by the directors is that the regular
annual aggregate of passenger-smashing is capable of being accom-
plished with an expenditure of one-third of the amount of steam
power and impetus hitherto used, this meaning, of course, a corre-
sponding economy of rolling stock.
BY THE SAD SEA WAVES.
FOR the following we are indebted to the Laureate:-
Splash! splash! splash!
On my children's legs, 0 sea,
And whilst you do it I'll tell you
The thoughts that arise in me.
For the tricks of my younger boys
I always have something to pay,
And my saucy elder lads
Will hire a boat by the day.
And the rubbish their sisters buy
Will heavily swell the bill,
And the donkeys I have to stand
Will make it heavier still.
Splash! splash I splash I
On my children's legs, 0 sea,-
There won't be much left in my purse, I trow,
When they all go back with me.
A PAIR turfitewho knows the state of the odds-Bets-y.
[SEPT. 3, 1879.
ii \~ 1!
MAKINGG IT IN THE RIGHT SPIRIT."
Benevolent Old Lady :-" TELL TOUR MOTHER, WILLIAM STUBBS, THAT I SHALL CALL IN
DURING THE DAY, AND GIVE HER A LITTLE SPIRITUAL COMFORT."
W. 8. :-SHE'ULL BE GLAD 0' THAT, MABK, COS SHE CAN'T PAY THE SCORE AT THE BULL
SINST FEATHER DIED, AND AIN'T 'AD NO SPIRITS PUR A WEEK."
A PRIVILEGED COMMUNICATION.
IT is Lord Lisle, and not Lord De L'Isle and Dudley, who has been
gaining for himself a little cheap notoriety by declining to pay the
small sum of two pounds eight shillings for coals supplied at his
residence, and then standing on his privilege as a peer of the realm to
set the order of the Brompton County Court at defiance. Whether
the barony of Lisle will gain lustre by the transaction remains to be
seen; meanwhile, the unfortunate coal merchant, who sent in the
four half-tons, thinks that his lordship's motto should be changed
from Bella, horrida bella," to Cellar, horrida cellar."
A Fruitful Compliment.
BOUQUETS are made partly of fruit now, and they may be seen com-
posed of a cluster of strawberries surrounded with white flowers, and
completed with a ring of black cherries and green leaves. To present
one of these to a lady is not only to pay a floral compliment as of yore,
but to hint that you are anxious to give her her "dessert."
IT is now definitely decided that Mr.
Toole is to have a theatre of his own, his
management of the Folly commencing in
October next. It used to be considered
suicidal for succeEsful actors to become
their own managers, but Messrs. Bancroft,
Hare, James and Thorne, and Henry
Irving have proved it otherwise. We wish
the popular comedian success, and we
sincerely hope the theatre will never be
known as Toole's Folly."
Messrs. Hennequin and Najao, the
authors of the original piece from which
Betsy was taken, receive one-tenth of the
gross receipts at the Criterion, which, it is
said, will probably amount to more than
they obtained for the original work. Very
possibly it will, in the long run."
We are very pleased to note that the
Queen has sent poor old Buckstone 50 ;
the Premier has also recommended a 100
grant from the Royal Bounty, and sub-
scriptions are being received. It seems
only right, now that he is destitute, that
there should be a Buckstone Fund" for
him to draw upon, for the public have
often drawn upon his fund-of humour.
The performance of As You Like It at
Manchester, in October, for the benefit of
the widow and orphans of the late Mr.
Charles Calvert, promises to be a great
success. The chief male characters will be
undertaken by Messrs. Tom Taylor, F. C.
Burnand, Hon. Lewis Wingfield, Alma-
Tadema, and Linley Sambourne. The two
last-named cannot fail to play att stieally.
A testimonial benefit, which we hope
will be successful, is being arranged for
Mr. James Stride, who has been for 40
years box-office-keeper at Drury Lane,
and whose remarkable hat is universally
known. We wonder whether the old
gentleman has been caught napping, that
he is at last obliged to send round the
hat"? We recommend the case to all
actors. They will now be able to make a
Stride in the profession.
While Mr. and Mrs. Bancroft were
driving towards the Berinna Pass, the
horse backed towards the edge of the road,
and had they not jumped out they would
most likely have been killed. We con-
gratulate them on their escape, which,
from the width of the road, must neces-
sarily have been a narrow one.
On the 8th September the Olympic will
be devoted to a special opera season, under
the management of Miss May Bulmer,
with the programme that was so successful
at the East-end. There is no reason why
it should not be equally attractive in
Wych-street, for most of the company are
bewitching. I ,
(WINNER Or THE LADIES' SWIMMING CHAMPIONSHIP Op EeGnLAND.
THE agile Agnes all proclaim
The lady champion aquatic,
And warm admirers hold her fame
To equal that of heroes Attic.
While FUN fair Agnes fame concedes
He cannot with his heroes band her
She rivals in such doughty deeds,
Not Hero, surely, but Leander !
Par excellence the diving belle,
She has no equal in the water;
Yet 'tis not strange she swims so well,
Since of a swimming race the daughter.
THE VERY WORST STATE IN AMERICA.-Sin-8in-naughty.
SEPT. 3, 1879.]
THE "HORSE OF CHEERFUL COUNTENANCE"
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is placed in an
awkward predicament if a recent decision of the magistrate at Hammer-
smith Police-court, as reported in the newspapers, is to be taken as
sound law. A flyman was charged by the Society's officers with driving
. a horse that was incurably lame and in pain. According to three
veterinary surgeons the poor creature was not fit to live. .
The magistrate left the court to satisfy himself by personal inspec-
tion. On his return lie remarked that the horse had a cheerful countenance,
and his worship thought fit to dismiss the summons and condemn the
prosecution to the payment of a guinea costs."- Globe.
A party might search for a deuce of a while
For a creature so awfully given to smile ;
He wouldn't stop smiling, he wouldn't indeed-
Which I speak of that very remarkable steed.
When first they observed him, so smiling and gay,
He was drawing a waggon down Hammersmith way ;
His shape or his form wasn't much to admire-
But there! he was smiling like houses a-fire I
Sing tiddy, and what is required in a steed
Sing tol de rol liddy, ain't goodness of breed
Nor, row de dow, muscle, nor beauty, nor grace,
But rather, a cheerful expression of face.
You wouldn't have called him remarkably fit,
He'd only two regular legs and a bit;
And his bones in the parts where they wouldn't keep in
Were painted to neatly resemble his skin;
There wasn't a lung of him anywhere nigh,
Nor he hadn't a tail, nor an ear, nor an eye ;
And here he would stagger, and there he would fall-
But always a smiling like nothing at all!
Sing hey and he floored in the flooringest way
The S for the P of the 0 to the A;
Sing diddy, they hadn't a ghost of a case
Because of his cheerful expression of face.
That worthy Society said, as we live
This horse is extremely unfit to be driv;
We'll carry him off to the court of police
And get him humanely despatched and at peace."
But they stopped in despair at the end of a mile
For, there, he was doing his cheerfullest smile;.
And who would believe it a mercy to slay
A critter that smiled in that jubilant way P
For the magistrate surely would say to 'em flat ;
Why, how can he suffer a-smiling like that ?"
And bundle 'em off with expenses to pay,
As sure as a gun, with a tol de rol lay I
When next they observed him their bosom was pained,
For little indeed of that crittur remained;
They thought he must find it unpleasant to run,
As his legs were reduced to the number of one;
He was hopping along with a waggen of stones,
But when you approached him, a-looking for groans
The smile you had formerly Eeen on his brow
Was poor to the smile he was smiling of now !
And the 8 which attempts the prevention of 0,
With a hey diddle diddle dum didledy dee,
Perceived with a feeling of bitter despair
That the animal wasn't a-playing them fair I
Then all the humane, in their mental distress,
Collected and met at a given address,
And marched to that animal, led on their way
-By the S for the P of the 0 to the A,
And briefly addressed him, expressing "their grief
That animals plainly in need of relief
Should persist in estranging such friends as they had
And thwarting their efforts by smiling like mad !
Sing tiddy, no blame they intended to fling
At any particular person or thing;
Such, tol de rol lido, was not their intent,
But doubtless he'd know what they, row-de-dow, meant.
They saw him again, that bewildering steed,
And his lot, as they took it was stony indeed;
Sweet comfort appeared to have finally flown,
For grim Vivisection had made him its own.
That animal was, if you'll kindly believe,
In the leetle-est bits that the mind can conceive,
And you hardly will credit my word if I say
How each little bit was a kicking away I
Then said the Society he will allow-
That magistrate will-there's a case for us now."
But the magistrate glanced at that animal's face
And tol.derol liddy, dismissed the case.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL STILL IN WALES.
W Nmr I say I am still" in Wales, I use the term in the luus-a
non" sense, sir, for I am not, in reality, still here a day, or even an
hour ; I am, in fact, always on the move, and if three moves are as bad as
a fire, I amvirtually burned out, youmay consider, several times a week.
I do not propose to trouble you with the names of the places I have
visited, but many of them have begun with Id," I may mention, and
invariably ended-or hotel-variably ended, I might say-with 1 "
also, the latter "I being at the end of the "long bill" I have
managed to run up at each place.
S-This running-up capacity of mine is well-nigh as expensive as a
-running down propensity proves to a ship-owner. It is a curious fact
that you cannot just run up a mountain," as they call it in Wales,
without alsorunning up a bill. And when, finding the ascent of
Cader Idris had cost me close on 1 4s. 6d. all told, and a suit of
clothes, I began to run down that venerable mountain in the coffee-
room of the Golden Lion, at Dolgelly, I all but had three Taffies
simultaneously assaulting me in their patriotic ire; so I held my
peace, as the new Ameer, Yakoob Khan, did when he got the Treaty
of Gandamak into his own hands.
Dolgelly, sir, you may be interested to learn, lies in a basin sur-
rounded by mountains-for which position the inhabitants ought to
feel "basin-gratitude," which seems father the sort of feeling a
sick passenger should express towards an attentive steward in a
The Dolgellians are, indeed, blessed by/ nature, for they have, in
addition to Oader ldris, three walks, specially mentioned in the Guide
Books-which I duly did, well knowing that .for me, as a tourist, to
miss anything named in the Path"-ological Handbooks-as I call
the Murray's and Black's Guides, in my funny way-would be con-
sidered an unpardonable omission," as the old lady said when she
left out one of the o's in opodeldoc.
The dear little Welsh children at Dolgelly and elsewhere-bless
their smutty, smeary little laces 1-have a habit of opening un-
necessary gates for you and asking for halfpence for so doing. They
also offer to sing you God Bless the Prince of Wales in English
and Welsh for a penny. The first time this was offered to me I
gushingly assented. But, alas I by the time I had been favoured
with the English version I wildly and eagerly offered the tiny song-
sters of the vale twopence not to bless His Royal Highness in their
own ancient and noble tongue.
Always on the look-out for national peculiarities, I have found out
that it is the custom in some Welsh towns to bring round the milk in
two tin canisters carried across a donkey's back. I had never heard
that our Cambrian neighbours possessed a "milky way of their own.
Welsh sheep, too, I see, are called wethers, which enables you to go
to a butcher and ask him to let you have some fine wether." This
may-mind I do not say it really does-account for the fact that the
weather in North Wales has been much finer than you have been
having in England.
I have not picked up much of the language, one reason being that
the Cymri do not drop their "h"s about like the Cockneys do. On
the very threshold of the attempt, too, I was met by the most unfair
combinations. What do -you think of cwmdgnsct," for example.
or gdlmthwdst"? What I thought of them, sir, was that it was
not "consonant" with my phonetic powers to tackle them. So
struck was I with the absence of our vowel sounds, that I turned to
the Registrar-General's last report to see if the average number of
weddings per cent. in Wales was as high as in our own land. I
found it was not, and who can wonder at it ? In a language in which
the words are nearly all consonants, how, piay, can a lover, however,
eager, make "a-vowel" of his passion ?
102 FUN. [SEPT. 3, 1874.
A MILITIAMAN'S DREAM.
METHOUGHT that on a summer's day
'Neath wide outspreading trees,
Shunning the fervid heat I lay,
And, o'er the distant leas,
These warlike sounds of mimic fray
Were borne upon the the breeze.
Fall in, assemble, shoulder arms,
Fix bayonets, as you were I
Bugler, approach, and sound alarms,
Battalion, form square;
March past in column afterwards,
Deploy on Number Three,
Two volleys at three hundred yards,
Down, front rank, on the knee I
Fix swords, prepare for cavalry,
Wheel smartly back the flanks;
Unfix, fours left each company,
Right wheel, halt, front, change ranks.
Return your swords when skirmishing,
Extend by sections, fire I
Advance by each alternate wing,
On your supports retire.
a Up the reserve, and reinforce,
Lie down those skirmishers,
SDouble in rear, supports, in fours,
Seek cover 'mongst the firs.
Break into column to the right,
Halt, steady, reform line,
Advance by rushes to the fight,
Column on Number Nine.
Receive the General's compliments,
And to his speech attend;
Shoulder, right turn, dismiss, strike tents,
The training's at an end.
What's in a Name P
"Jorhn Bright has been charged with robbery at
Brighton." We are sorry to hear it. How the Con-
servatives will crow I Yet stay; it is just possible it
A '" CREAMY JOKE. may not be the member for Rochdale after all. On
Farmer's Wife:-"WHaT AnRn 1 DAufi' IN THERE, JOcxP" making inquiries we find it is not. How lucky we did
Herd laddie :-" I'x srPPr' Tra claM, IsMaess" not say anything libellous, for our editor is always
Farmer's Wife:-""An, BUT I DxzIanA LIK THAT." bothering us for bright ideas, and that would have been
Herd Laddie :-" Yz DINNA LIKE GUID MEAT, T1N." an out-and-out Brighton.
DEFEAT OF PATERFAMILIAS. should be. Am called a horrid cross old thing," "awfully cruel,"
SSpend all my money upon my own pleasures," etc. Begin to feel
As showx By EXTRACTS PROM HIm DIARY. irritated. Storm evidently brewing; it .bursts at last. In spite of
onday.-Wife and daughters particularly attentive all day: arguments, am told I muis take a house somewhere on the coast. Get
asked me, after dinner, where I intended taking them this year for a augry, and say 1 shan't! Chorus of indignation. Practically sent to
change ?-Knewit was coming.-Answered that I hadformed nointen. Coventry.
tions of the sort, but would think over the matter. FUiday.-Sorry to find that mywife is rapidly developing a pertinacity
Tuesday.-Question repeated: reply identical in substance, though that I believed was only to be met with in Mrs. Caudle. No sugar in
not in form. Discover, to my surprise, that the health of the family my tea at breakfast, nobody brushed my hat for me. Things are
is less flourishing than I supposed, and that they must have some sea becoming uncomfortable: plen',y of pouting and sighing, but an
air. Don't see the necessity myself; but will consult our doctor absence of smiles. The topic carefully avoided, till just bed-time,
about it. when I am reproached for my last night's language. Explain that I
Wedneeday.-An early and brisk skirmish about the sea-side meant to say, "I think I shan't I Explanation accepted, though with
question. Say that I don't think I can afford it this summer. They a poor grace.
won't believe me: all decent people make a point of going out of 8aturday.-Mind unfortified by the events of the week: would
town at least once a year, and our most intimate friends, the welcome any signs of a cessation of hostilities, but peace seems im-
Thomsons and the Smiths, have already taken lodgings for six weeks, possible till after this confounded holiday-making business is settled.
with the option of staying on longer at the same rate! I and are woe to Enemy begins to perceive its advantage-Grand attack along the
broil alone at home? Try to explain that the Thomsons and the Smiths whole line-my position untenable-surrender with all the honours of
are in very different circumstances to what we are, and that Trade has war-thq family shall go out of town for a month, to a cheap place !-
been so abnormally bad. Explanation not accepted as satisfactory. Wife and daughters more devoted than ever; too much sugar in my
Attentions decreasing. tea; everything done to please me; quiet night at last.
Thursday.-Wife and daughters not nearly so agreeable as they Sunday -A day of rest I
2,00. 2/6.No. ,",. cOCOAESSENCE'
PATTERNS. up Toee o. w" "o.re ZNJDx
Sold by all Stationers; In iSd. ., and Gross Boxes. Send 7 stamps for an PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
assorted sample box to John Reath, 70. Georrestreet, Birmineham. CAUTIOoN.-If Ceco thiekents in th cup it proves the additi of starch.
Sole Wholesale London Agente-l. J.POWELL A Co., e01. Whitechapel, .
riuted by aUDD & CO., Phoenx Works. St. Andrew's Hill. Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 1658, Fleet Street, E.M.-London, September 3, 1879.
SEPT. 10, 1879.] P FU N 103
THAT INEXHAUSTIBLE SUBJECT THE WEATHER.
1. The newe of sunAdes unnecessary.Clerk. 4. The rush for a vacant outside seat on a very warm day.
3. The majestic loneliness of the stalls. 5. Off to the yellow sands."
A COLUEN ON COOKERY.' between mutton and lamb is mint sause. Very good mint sauce can be
s h f s of cnid e t a a obtained by converting a 10 note into gold. Hunger is also a very
IT is with feelings of considerable trepidation I approach a subject good sauce, especially when the cold shoulder has been prepared for
of such magnitude as that which my heading announces I am to your delectation; so you should be careful to obtain a supply when
dwell upon in this column. Dwelling upon a subject is somewhat about to visit your rich relatives. Cooks differ very much in their
akin to making your enemy your footstool, and it is with the idea of opinions, and it is my misfortune to disagree with that renowned pro-
assisting you all in getting a very great enemy under that I venture these fessor of the culinary art, Mrs. Glasse. With reference to jugged hare
few remarks on elementary cookery. This enemy is indigestion, and she says, "First catch your hare." I say, first get your jug; you may
it is now generally acknowledged that most impaired digestions and have your hare, but, minus jug, you can't jug it. There are many
dyspeptic conditions owe their present unhappy state, in a primary ways, I find, in which cheese may be used. You may use it effica-
degree, to til-ookced food. You see, cookery is an art, and a great art, ciously, for instance, in choosing a wife. I regret I am unable to
too; and perhaps no art exemplifies greater ingenuity and brain afford any reliable information concerning a good Irish stew; but I
power than cookery does when applied to balance-sheets. The Glasgow should recommend you to attend a Home Rule meeting or Donnybrook
Bank directors were admirable cooks. So you will recognize what a Fair, where you might also become initiated in the art of collared
wonderful and widespread influence it exercises. They say the way head, which is a chancery" proceeding. I could, if necessary, tell
to an Englishman's heart is through his stomach; so bear that in you how to carve a turkey; but, as the fashion of dining now is
mind, young ladies. Given, a charming and eligible young gentle- d la Russw, you won't want the information. I most earnestly recom-
man seated next you at dinner-he obviously takes considerable mend you never to leave the gridiron on the fire, as it is said to give
pleasure in a certain dish-you sound him on the subject, and then rise to an embarrassing delay at the church door whenthe matrimonial
whisper softly, "I made that." He is wonder-stricken, and then goose is about to be cooked. For pigeon-pie, all you require is some
when the process of digestion is going on he begins to think what a steak and the claws of the birds; thrust them, shank downwards, into
jolly nice clever girl you must be, and what a treasure of a wife you the centre of the crust; the same claws will do many times. A very
would make if you coult make him little dishes like that. You good way to warm up shell-fish is to take several tumblersful of neat
know a man feels generous when he has dined well, so what pin- whisky, which will effectually warm the cockles of your heart. Other
money you would get! He would never- quarrel with you, or good- fish you may probably have tof/y. If you are cooking a ministerial
bye to his favourite menus. In technical language you would rule the dinner, by all means have a Cabinet pudding.
roast. Try it! A man's better nature is a good appetite, and it is The above recipes are not to be found in any cookery-book yet
your duty and interest to flatter it. published, and I have given them to you out of pure regard for your
Before giving you any recipes, I should like first to touch health and happiness; and if my hints should prove of any service to
upon the preliminaries. Cleanliness is next to godliness, they say, you, that will be my virtuous reward. If I shall have in any degree
so I earnestly recommend you to begin your work with clean assisted in getting the demon indigestion under, that will also be my
hands and a contrite heart, bearing in mind the adage, "What reward; and, lastly, if I shall have aided in getting good husbands
the eye doesn't see, the heart may suspect." Also, with regard for the girls-why, let one of them be my reward!
to choosing meat, poultry, game, &o., there are numerous rules _______
laid down for guidance; but the best way is to pick out the best, and
you will seldom do much wrong. By the way of a wrinkle which will A MosT "LAUGHABLEn MIesTAKE.-To translate "'Simper'
save you considerable expense, I can assure you that the only difference eadem" as "the same old smile I"
VOL. xxx. NO. 748.
FUN'S GUIDE TO LONDO.N.
WALK TEE EIGHTH.
DOCKING diminishes most things, but it increases the accommodation
of a river. The Victoria are the lowest of the Thames docks, and yet
find favour with shipping of the highest class. Once inside them,
even damaged vessels lift up their heads on high-by means of
hydraulic pressure. At the East and West India Docks tea is taken
and sugar can be got, but hot water will not be supplied, and the
china is kept at the warehouses in Billiter-street. The West India
are rum docks, but not to be despised. There is wool in both, and
therefore clippers frequent them. The Isle of Dogs is, of course, a
corruption for the Isle of Docks. Here likewise are the Millwall
Docks, chiefly used for rough" cargoes. There is a plentiful supply
of that material in the neighbourhood.
On the other side of the river are the Surrey and Commercial Docks.
If the visitor wishes for information about timber, he can get a deal
there (on paying for it). These docks are also a good place for
strangers to make inquiries at as to the corn trade, but they must not
be disappointed if they do not get any gleanings. Sampsons and
Gregorys may sometimes be seen in the Regent's Canal Docks, but
they most certainly were not named after the fine gentlemen in
Shakespeare who would not carry coals for fear they should be called
According to official authorities, the business of the London and
St. Katharine's Docks is transacted by the directors. They must
then, we should say, be directors in reduced circumstances, if we may
judge from the labourers we have seen at work there. Women's
smoking has recently been denounced as unfeminine, but Her Majesty
smokes a very big pipe, known as the Queen's, at the London Docks.
They are said to have storage for 65,000 pipes-of wine; but persons
who have obtained tasting orders assure us that they have seen twice
as many. The height of the walls of St. Katharine's Docks will
strike the visitor; it is well that the proletaires of the neighbourhood
are not aware that the lock is sunk deep. St. Katharine's Hospital,
removed to pleasanter lodgings in Regent's Park, stood on the space-
that of a whole parish-now occupied by these docks. Of this mys-
terious charity it has been said that it does good by stealth, and
blushes to find it fame. Let the inhabitants of would-be aristocratic
Pimlico bear in mind that their houses are founded on vulgar clods
carted from East End St. Katharine's.
Who would leave London without having visited Wapping, to dis-
cover the birthplace of its great romancer, the unfortunate nobleman
whose flights of fact-transcending fancy smack of his native soil F
Ratoliff Highway, although Post Officially divided, still, like a worm,
preserves vitality in its sundered parts-i.e., you can still see some
of its curious old life" in them. Whether the said life is much worth
seeing is a question that must depend upon taste for an answer. At
any rate, home and foreign princes, and ministers in search of texts
for sensational sermons, go to see the said life under formidable police
escort, which seems funny to FUN; he having gone the dreary rounds
with a solitary police pilot, who requested FUN, in the very remote
contingency of there being a row, to protect him-to declare himself
a brother of the Force-of course, Al. The pilot, equally of course,
was well aware that the purse and person of FUN were far more
precious than those of any home or foreign prince, any home or
foreign minister; but having undertaken to pilot FUN, he asked for
no reinforcement of comrades to accompany him. Such confidence
had he in his employer that when, as they passed some tottering
houses in Bluegate Fields, FUN murmured, "Impavidum ferient
ruined," the pilot answered, "I believe you, my boy," although he
had not the faintest conception of what FUN meant.
But this is a digression. In Bluegate Fields, if he likes to pay for
the privilege of nauseating himself, the stranger can smoke opium
out of a pipe which a good many people, some of them very nasty,
have had in their mouths before. The dirty Chinamen and Lascars
who witness the operation in filthy little rooms, made sicklier by
little packets of "scent" for sale, and odours of fish lingering like
greasy ghosts-those of them, i.e., who have got any of their senses
left-may think it strange that English swells do not patronise their
countrymen by paying for pulls at well-used English black cutties in
neighboring dwellings at least equally squalid; but, of course, that
would not be seeing life."
By entering the bars and dancing-rooms beyond of sundry
public-houses in the Highway the curious visitor will aEcertain
that foreigners of various nationalities can make blackguards of
themselves as completely as any Briton, and dance almost
equally badly-valuable discoveries at which a patriot's breast will,
of course, swell with pride. FUN cannot conscientiously recommend
the musical and other entertainments of the Highway to the lover of
novelty. Entertainments as vulgar and as silly, assisted at by
audiences as tipsy, may be found in many other quarters of the
The anthropologist will note with interest that a great
many of the fair sex in the Highway, married and otherwise, have
black eyes, and that-perhaps owing to the eastern longitude of the
locality-they indulge with considerable latitude in the Oriental
customs of expressing emotion by the sacrifice of hair and the rending
TxE next novelty at the Adelphi will be Mr. Boucicault's new
drama Rescued, which is said to be "of the modern domestic kind."
We think this must be a mistake, for the previous works of this
talented author have been worth a good deal, and the "modern
domestic is certainly not worth much.
One of the happiest hits of the latest Gaiety burlesque is the
Great Animation Scene of Gomez's Ancestors," where the various
figures leave their frames and tumble about extravagantly. The
"pretty figure" that some of them cut enables us to pronounce the
scene as one of per".excellence, but in addition to this the new
travestie has many other "picture "-.que elements.
At the Royalty there is a new musical extravaganza in preparation
by:Mesers. F. C. Burnand and Pottinger Stephens, the quaintly amusing
title of which is so obviously suggestive of the notion on which it is
founded that it is, by request, not divulged. This certainly looks as
though the authors feared that someone would not behave in an
At the beginning of October Mr. Harry Paulton will reappear at
the Alhambra in an English version of La Petite Mademoiselle, which
is being prepared for that theatre by Mr. Robt. Reece, the author of
les Cloches de Corneville, which has Reecently been so successful.
The Great Casimir, by Mr. H. S. Leigh, is in rehearsal at the
Gaiety, and in one scene Miss Farren, Mr. Royce, and Mr. Elton will
appear on horseback. We trust that this will be no temptation to
them to go in for a little "horse play," but hope they will rely upon
their own animal spirits.
The engagement of Miss Jennie Lee and the production of Jo at the
Surrey have turned out trumps for Mr. Holland, who has thereby shown
himself a knowing card. Miss Lee's assumption of the interesting
street arab is undoubtedly tris "Jo "-lie.
The opening of Sadler's Wells Theatre, which has been entirely re-
built and furnished with the latest improvements, is announced to take
place in October, and Mrs. Bateman, in her address to the public,
says she trusts to regain for Sadler's Wells its past reputation as a
family theatre." We have no fear that her hopes will not be realized,
since there is no doubt of the ability of the Bateman family."
The next revival at the Vaudeville will be Albery's ever welcome
Two Roses, with the popular lessees in their original characters. This
is the only instance when we can behold with pleasure the Thore
between teo roses.
The advertisements summoning the rehearsals at the Court Theatre
conclude with the words, "By Order." We trust when the theatre
opens there will be no "orders" necessary.
Helwas a Careful Man."
AT a meeting of the Liverpool School Board on Monday, it was pro-
posed to place drinking cups in the lavatory of the Upper Park-street
School, but the Rev. R. Hughes objected, on the ground that if the
children became used to drinking water, they would as they
grew older be induced to drink something stronger." It really seems
impossible for such a sentiment to have been uttered save as a joke,
but there is no doubt it was Eaid in sober earnest. We wonder whether
Mr. Hughes applies this principle to other things. Would he,for instance,
object to children wearing clothes for fear they might in later years
become addicted to dress ? Would he forbid all childish games of
chance, such as blind man's buff, fearful lest they might eventually
become gamesters ? Would he F-but what is the good of asking ? of
course such a Hugheeful member of society would object to everything
-bless him I
Tnn CABBAGE PAIM.-A pickpocket's or a tailor's.
[Sir.r. 10, 1819.
SEPT. 10, 1879.] FU N 105
SIFTING IT THOROUGHLY.
A VISio" oF OFFICIAL RED-TAPERY.
MR. BULL has been digesting,
With attentive face,
Recently, an interesting
Though he is, by all confessions,
Blest with brains to spare,
These are Mr. Bull's impressions
Of the whole affair:-
Loudly to the sense appealing,
Here and everywhere,
There is much excited feeling
Rife about the air;
ENclamations-now of pity,
Now, in turn. severe-
In the camp and in the city
Ever strike the ear.
Rumours vague and undecided
Fly from place to place.
And opinion is divided,
Greatly, on the case.
Where our battle-flag is waving,
One, it's understood,
Has, or hasn't, been behaving
As a soldier should ;
Private judgments, full of fitting
For the grave Court-martial, sitting
To decide his fate.
Now the great O.FICE'LIsM
Rises in its might,
Clad in secret mysticism
Sable as the night.;
Mr. Bull discovers, flitting
Dreamlike by his brain,
That Court-martilgravely sitting,
Chanting a refrain;
Recognition quite otwitting,
Cloaks of mighty -sin
Cover up the judges sitting
To the very eyes;;
Not a single sign outleaking
Makes one sitter known
To his neighbour; each one speaking
In dissembled tone.;
None has any chance of guessing
Who the next may be;
Like to Venice's depressing
Council of the Three !
The 8ong of the Court-martial.
In our grave deliberation
Let there not come out
Any hint or intimation
What we've met about;
Might not facts, events, conditions,
Peril parties in positions
Far too high to touch ?
If our grave deliberation,
Therefore, were confined
To the lightest conversation
General in kind,
Touching not upon the matter
Which has brought us here,
People would forget the latter,
Which would disappear.
Slight enough events are serving
As diurnal news:
Have you heard that Mr. Irving
Is upon a cruise ? (And so on.)
Prudence under all conditions
Bids us be resolved,
Parties holding big commissions
Mustn't be involved;
This to our official vision
Strongly must appeal *
Having come to NO decision
Let us sign and seal ;
Wisest, weightiest conclusion
Human mind could forge ;
Now, with care in great profusion,
Send it home to George.
Meanwhile, as an intimation
To the world around
Of our deep deliberation,
Careful and profound;
Just to prove the thing's invested
With its proper worth;
Send the officer arrested
Three times round the earth.
This will surely be conducive
To convincing one
Something deep and most conclusive
Must be being done.
Mr. Bull, these things digested,
Nothing further hears,
Save reports of one arrested
Travelling, for years;
Then, he seems to see a vision,
Lasting many days,
Of that mystic (In)Decision
Passing on its ways ;
Johnny then, for information,
Asks of ev'ry one
Having some official station,
What is being done ? "
But they vow they mustn't linger-
Each a mystic cautious finger
To a cautious lip.
Tuen, as climax to the vision,
This report is germed;-
That the mystic ([n)Decisicn
Hasn't been confirmed;
But, to show they will unravel
Matters to the core,
He arrested has to travel
Just a little more
To our Planet's limits steering,
He must go ahead,
Simply for the sake of hearing
His acquittal read.
Into this the whole position
Seems to be resolved :-
He who holds a big commission
Mustn't be involved 1
Rite and Tight.
IT is stated that one of the last acts of
the Bishop of Rochester, before leaving
for the Niagara Falls, where he has gone
for a-holiday trip, was to confirm twenty
of the inmates of the St. James's Home
for Inebriates This certainly reads like
unnecessary trouble, for the inmates of
these homes are always confirmed in-
Is Dr. Carver of Dulwich any relation
of Dr. Carver of Sydenham ? The former,
too, teaches the young idea how to shoot.
THERE is a town in Sussex in which all
the people have Rye faces.
THE KiETCH -UP.
Parson :-" WELL, MRS. FUNGUS, WJ sH .sUH WEATHER AS W MOS HAD I- rAR
THE FRUIT AND THr- CROPS WILL NOT COME OUT WELL THIS SEASON."
Mrs. F. :-" No, SUB, THAT MAY BE, SURB, BUT WE OUGHT TO HAVE A GOOD PULL
OUTCROP 0' MUSHROOMS."
WEIGHTS AND MEASURES. (A SEASIDE EXPERIENCE.)
She studied her weights and measures on the beach for a whole day when she We sell these pears by the pint, you see, mum; you'd 'ave to pay sixpence for
arrived at the seaside; for she would have to do the shopping, and was one, but we can do 'em at a shillin' the pint; better 'ave a pint."
determined not to be taken in. So she ordered a pint.
"Pilt o' milk, mum I Oh, we sell it hereabouts by the yard-only two
hdllings a yard." How cheap !" she thought, and
ordered a yard.
Then she went home and said joyfully to her hubby,
"Everything is so cheap here Such quantities
for your money!"
" We don't sell shrimps by measure, mum; but you can 'ave a portion of
a acre-one shilling the portion of a acre." What a lot for
a shilling!" she thought, and ordered a shillingsworth.
And the orders came home. Here is the pint of pears, consisting of one pear, attended by stalk and
leaves to fill up; and here is the portion of an acre of shrimps, consisting of a hollow square formed
by eight shrimps; but we cannot draw the yard of milk, as it is a linear yard, length without breadth.
[SEPT. 10, 1879.
F U' N .- SEPT. 10, 1879.
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I A IL
THE ATTACK ON THE PRESS.
Another Defeat for Chelmsford.
Lord B.:-"-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MY LITTLE MAN NOW?"
Chelmsford:-" OH, IF YOU PLEASE, GRANDPA, I ONLY JUST WENT AND GAVE MR.' FORBES A KICK,
AND HE'S BEEN AND GONE AND HIT ME BACK AGAIN."