- I Ii, Ii jI
PUBLISHED (FOR THE PUOPRIETORS) BY T.
FLEET STREET, E.G.
'V1HERE were most deplorable events happening in a certain portion of the Mental world. A place called GAIETY (being
a colony of the empire named MLND ") was threatened by the growing power of a neighboring black potentate of the
A. name of DYSPEPSIA, who reigned over a vast tribe of troubles, annoyances, cares, and worries-all black as could be.
And the High Commissioner, named HASTINESS, ruling in that colony, had taken violent alarm before it was
necessary; for although the Potentate's power was no doubt considerable, still he had not as yet entertained any intention of
attacking the Colony of GAIETY." But the High Commissioner took upon himself to challenge him to a war, and DYsPEPSIA at
once accepted the challenge. Then the High Commissioner sent home at once to the Empire of MIND for supplies of troops of
all arms-jokes, puns, jeux d'esprit, comic incidents, ideas and paragraphs, and the heavy artillery of comic illustrations; and a
General named MISARRANGEMENT was sent out to take command of this army.
He advanced into the enemy's country, but he very soon found that his army was in a complete muddle, owing to want of
arrangement; for the jokes and puns and other atoms of liveliness were mixed up anyhow, instead of being marshalled in their
proper ranks and divisions, and there was no suitable periodical as a means of transport, while the whole mass were without their
proper army service corps, consisting of headings, titles, notes of admiration for the jokes, italics to point out the puns (which
would never be noticed without), and particularly horses, known as descriptive text," for the comic-picture artillery, which
could not possibly go anywhere without such aid.
And, as might be expected, the black foes outwitted and defeated this poor disorganised army over and over again, until at
last it was really a question whether the entire colony, GAIETY," would not be overrun and annihilated Then the General
sent home twice for more comic troops, and these were sent; but the muddle got worse and worse. Things were looking black I
Then suddenly the home Government recollected that there was a very able and tried general, named FUN, who had not
been sent for on purpose-oh, no!-but had arrived home quite accidentally; and so GENERAL FUN was sent out to super-
sede GENERaL MISARRANGEMENT.
Then Fun grasped the situation at once; arranged the scattered jokes, puns, and the like in their proper ranks, drawing
them up into tales, verses, and other arranged letterpress in columns; and he formed an efficient army service corps, and secured
horses for the artillery, and found means of transport in the periodical "FUN," well knowing that, should he need any further
transports, he may look for them in his Readers.
And he consolidated the whole (for the present) into a great Army Corps, and called it
AT the Play. 3
Afghan Dificulty Settled (The), 32
Art Treasure (The), 39
Address to a Dress Coat, 53
BAND of Heroes (A), 49
Black Coat R4gime (The), 92
B hermia Nuov4, 120
Budget at Burlioeton House (The), 187,
Bitter Pill (A), 196
Doaapartist (Toe), 259
r(-oNUsLLOIn in Disgui-e (The), 8
C mntag Even s t 1979, 19
Cai ididates for Trial, 294
C nveriatioas for the Times, o1, 80
C i.rien, 85
Calmehn Fetters, 100
Chairman (The), 249
Cochney Criticism, 253
DOLtS' Voices. 22
D.,tr by the WiAy-
Whackfol i 71
A Royal Wedding, 103
The Pr-site ,f Exgland, 165
Tfus -x Miehin 218
D wnd ine J.ockey (A), 224
Different Mtter Battrely (A), 233
EABLY Bird thatDidn't Catch the Worm,
Evenings at Honie, 51 [ 12
E press' Iacogmta (The), 103
Eqcine Hero (An), 217
" 'ixtenuating Circumstances!" 228
Exception (An), 247
Eud of the Play (The), 264
FELON'S Will (The). 131
Four-in-HRnd (nae), 151
GRos Lit; f,r, a Waite Elephant (A), 75
Greater Criminal i rho), 80
Gentle M P. iThe), 95
Great Amelioration. 129
O fted E tipha-tz-r (Tae), 163
Orappding the Grosvenor, 203
(hots' Bills, 264
HARD as N ill," 13
History of a Misfortune (The), 111
,lorrors of Training (Tan), 141
Hunmoiiritr's vii 0-uius (The), 162
Her csell a B6ce N.,ire, 2u6
IRRESPONSIBLE G neral (The), 18
Imiproving tie Liw. 59 [136
" In Consequ-nce of the Boat Rae-,'
Inconveniences of Ceoraurdom (Tne),
Imperoonation (An), 192 [173
A vI Weother Forecast, 253
More D establishment, 259
My Career, 203
NEW Calling for all Classes (The), 52
No Good Wishing, 57
N-w Comedy. (A), 191
New French Invasion (The), 268
OFF again I 1
Oar Sunurb's Incubus, 39
Odicial I tolerance, 83
" Ornaoment.tl P irt" (Tae), 90
Old and New, 1r2
Outburst ( ,nl, 113
O der of Chivarite (The), 235
Our ES tra-Spec al's Pa' f.ir the Coming
Y-ar, 2; and Mr. Edisoo, 17 ; on the
lc-, 21; in Afghaisitan, 3 : as an
Afr.eaix Explor-r.r-3 ; on Weston's
Traes, 57 ; Tkeo Weston s P, tee, 79 ;
oa Acrstic Meso tich Solvian, &c.,
8S; Ea R ut;e for Zuluand,. 95; in
ZIlulsud, 110; at the Royal Wedding.
115; on the Rival E ghts, 125; on 'he
B ,.t Rac-, 13;; Ex Route for Bur-
moh, 152; in Burmah, 155; Inter-
views Tieebau, 167 ; Comes Home and
Goes Abroad Again, 18'; at St
Petersburg. 186 ; is Banished to
Sib-rna, 197; Ecaipes and Comes
H me Amain, 211; on the Derby. 223;
at the Royal Academy, 2 8 ; Inter-
views Minle. Sarah Bernhardt, 238;
on Cricket, 254; on the Comedie
PROFESSioMAL EDiiqnutte. 23
P -litical Et-m-nt (Tae), 28
Putney t.- Vt rtlake. 1234
Poisoned Wine (The), 171
RAILWAY Rail-ery, 7
,,unid of the Theatres, 12
Rotke Drift. 122
Rivers (The 142
R uni the Stu lios, 161
R-que-t (A. 16
R i-cted One lThe). 176
R-al Match of the Day (The) 229
STAGE Studies from the Life, 23
S xuvenir., 28
n,,eciiiens ,,f Celebrated Authors, 42
S mi of the TT introduced (The), 47
So-',S of Surprise-
Witnesaes to Charac'er, 101
8 ar'linglucidentsof Exafted Life, 125
so d. 1)04
-8range as a Dream." 114
Suburban Eoidernie (The), 120
Story .f a B1ard (The), 130
Snall T ik, 160 [914
,l ,no-f the Shrees t No 1- 177; To' 2
And he Took it like a Lamb," 73
"Alas I For Blue," 136
Apropos the Zulus. 164
Advisable Amenities in Zululand, 168
Academy Notes, 175 .,
Art-ful Boy. 192
"All in the D easing," 231
A (t)tiring Tasrk, 249i
BETWIXT anI Between,".9
B tekoilxiu, 28
Back L sok-out (), 381
B-trayer (The), 96
B at-rsee MI-moranda. 135
B -at-race Notatblities. 141
B -irin Hlime th MAly," 20t
B'autifai Example of Compunction, 230
Civil Servi-e, 103
Otu-hing Bus Driver (The), 178
Cure for Toothache, 236
DocarreTiC Fell-er" (A), 20
Dam er (A), 80
D tble Dealing, 83
Difficulties of Sonie Generals (The), 116
" D in' it 'andsome." 151
De icace Flatrerv, 182
Day Before the Derby, 216
Derby Day, 218
ECCENTRICITIES of the Electric Current!
Example and Precept, 53 [24
Epitome (An), 106
E tcour-ging, 122
Easter N .tes at thl Z)o, 157
E s'm Downs, 223 [264
affect of Midern High-Class Eduestiou,
FRosTY Greeting (A). 33
From Mouth to Mouth, 51
Fixed Scar (A), 60
From You h to Age," 123
From South Afriea ALgain, 1'5
Fun's D.rby Hieroglvphe,; or, Cl.'ar
and Compr-hensivt T.p T- pical, 215
Further Suaocay RP.aling, 110
GoOD Breeding, 13
S g tig the Olf'ide Hedge ?" 82
ioing to the Fero't, 226
Soa C 'unoel, 259
MEnl f.r' Ci-y Policemen (A), 43
-lard Times in the City, 89
[[IIme Bred, 197
Ox the T, ail. AD ,meytic Ilcident, 4
One Disadvantage of the Electric Light,
Oh, that Manchester I 44 [30
Only Half a Present, 53
Out in the Cold, 79
Our Benefit Society, 86
Would Erin, 109
"On Tramp," 115
Our National Fault, 148 ,
Our Gas, 158
One War of Putting It, 165
One for His N.hb, 181
Overheard Conversation (An), 191
Penalty of Fame (The). 14
P ace a-.x D ,:.e-tique- 92
SP ,licie'" Iluthins (The), 126
Purely Un elli h 151
Porrait ( P'nre. 201
Pardonable Doubt (A), 233
QUESTIOX of TiIle (A), 230
REVENGE is Sweet, 63
It -tributie Jus in. 99
Rigbht Pintcple (Th-', 195
R-ct!lee:ions of the R)yal Academy.
N'. 1. 83s; No. 2, 198; No. 3. 208;
No. 4, 247
SEE the Dift of Ir ? 34 [64
St. Vv'etine s Vr in i the Olden Time,'
ir. Valentine's Day, 70
*'Steady Awhile.' 129
Stern Criticism, 134
S ,Id 14
S rikin- Fact (A), 237
Soft Answer (A), 256
' Times are Altered," 3
T-p triat if you Can, 21
T a le Valttinus. 71
TIckler for a Stickler (A), 132
T-ros from toe Tow-pa-h, 143
-"Tiuingo of Comf rt,'" &c., 174
here's Manr a 't're WVrd, &c., 184
To a Pa unt: a Reply, 211
"T the Pont," 2
Torti-ms T.rned T.,psy-Turvy, 225
-- T.) Suit, ll Cus miners," 210
Tainmg it Off, 246
Uaprece l-n'ed Lark (An), 51
I WITTY AVt'rie," 7
Within and Without, 90
W-Vtt-d i Ts 142
WI-n T o.xbl4s Come They Chme NAt
-'intle Spies. &c.. 155
Wh-re Ignorance is BusS, &e., 177
VWhen I aken, 202
W'll Goonse Chas- (A), 214
ZULU War (Tat) 110
Zulu Qaesti.on (1ae), 167
.uoAlrl-a,.-te-, t -.-. avlng theu rltt u nulln, 243
Incubus (An), 234 Surorise System (rhe), 245
Ink, 244 Seek,ng Advice, 255 e Pat (An11 TOON 2
Into ligen' Foreigner (The)," 11 CARTOONS.
LAYS of My Loves to Mv Housemaid, 31 [mo ,rter (Tue). A Tale of a Secret AWFUL Exampl- (A), 55
B raioE Vow, 41 Taredidel-s. 75 It's an Ill Wind That BlowsNobody CutwvRarco. Cl,,wn (Tir). 15
Aa Old Vlen ine, 69 Tor urged into Meaning," 156 Good, 109 --a vav C)- .elaive St
The Lan I of Loog Ago, 99 T nothing Diieacy, 176 Iacident D dictated to the First of April DNKeY n vC ter-Liv SI
A Pons: ,,f Proprie v, 109 True Facts of the CiSe (The), 183 (An). 117 DNK ,,.Y, niio stpp.ert. -ii
What the Water Wnispered, 119 T' mna Moran, 186 Indigestible Luxuries, 162 D mile P .rmhulatr (T -.), -2
A Timely Sugesti.n, 124 Tr Fl 19ister 201 'JUST S.)," 113 Foo't'PrINT n the Sa, o ( 'h )
An Indian-R.bb er leatt, 167 ThPoe Poor Little Innocents 1 206 LIKELY Story ( A)," 69 e N M xe .l rtn, h T2
A Picture of D-soair, 191 T.-ct, 212 L ,me 'Un (A), 102 L a H e Th i Min who Ti
A Dfrby Day Dream, 2L8 Tra-ty T icycle (1), 229 L Embar.as de I. Politesse. 119 a P gire. 25
A Lay of Their Liver, 249 That La e Government, 2'7 L rng and the Short of It (Tne), 130 LosTEn Pet (Te). 117
Lmune Dog (oIe) 17 Turf Cuttngs, 53, 74. 114,130. 134, 146, Like a Bird, 16 NMw Y-ar's P arye Dance
Linda; or, The Fatal Smile, 37 172, 181, 21, 216, 235, 237, 258 Luctid Explanation (A), 244 N S a's (Te).Party Dace,
Late t Iotellrhence, 196 VALENTINE, 70 10- )OONEY. 48 ON the Tr.ck of the Zulu. 77
Littl, Mi.s Inoce"it." 1 Vi tiuous Indignation, 105 hor-than a Mitch, 105 fiTZES in the Great Lotte
Leg-nd of a City Guild, 233 Vic'im of Virtue (Tee), 213 Mysteri.us Attraction (The). 205 V dvlenine. 67
L'A-s 'mnir, 213 Venice" in Leicester Square, 256 Men were Deceivers Ever," 227 Po-it- Warfare, 179
-tik-ly TFaote NI Despera-duos, 28 ROYAL W-dsiirg Ma-rh (The)
LTe Placid Pauper, 94 WIFE'S BSecrpt (A), 27 N- e xtive Prai.e 40 Reveiue RRave% (The) 148
W,,orn ot' Walklia S '" Nauve o the Manner BGrna," 41 SPOILT Cnrit (The), 35
M Nice New Year Once More, 2 Why Ie Never Eoad lhi Love, 93 Note in DisBcord (A), 93 -t t, Afr.can (rhw The), 15
Myself and Sopoonisba, 83 Women's Right- and Wrongs, 109 Not to b- Ot-doue, 62 TURKUY 8 Virurs oUIdi'noati,
,rhid Iatutnai Mronologue (A), 72 Won B-I u Nut Wo.red, 124 Not in Theae Sh, i.', i20 VFcY Vulgar Qiestion (A), 4
My E luea ion, 15- Why We Eat our Dinner, 171 -'No Accounting for Tat.e," 145 Victims ,f Co-operation," 2
M j,,r NTedham, 156 Why Do We Go to the Derby 226 Nothing like System, 212 WASuHIN t,,e British Flag, 81
Modern Taste, 157. Weather, 263 No Doubt about It, 264 "Wanted," 127
.- ." ". -- -ed," -12-
ried to Cua
ry of St.
y S ER
OFF AGAIN I
HURRAH! Hurrah! FuN's off again !
As trim, well-found, and taut as ever;
Of all the ships that plough the main,
There's none more honest, bright, or clever.
'Tis sixteen years, and more, since first
She plunged her bosom in the ocean
(The while from shark and pirate burst,
In direful dread, a scared commotion).
We manned her with a gallant crew,
And forth she started on her mission,
To riddle Vice and Folly through
And sink the craft of false Ambition.
She scoured the seas in fearless sort,
And none dare on her lay embargo,
And, twice a year, she made for port
And there discharged her welcome cargo.
And still our ship, upon the blue,
Will hold her own where'er she ranges,
But Time has visited the crew
And worked its melancholy changes;
Until, of all, of Talent born,
Who, bright with hope and care disdaining,
Put out from port that autumn morn,
We've scarce a single man remaining!
And, as we're starting, we recall
The pioneers of all our glory-
Delightful PRowSE and gentle PAUL,
And both the ToMS-memento mori!
Ah! There were giants in those dgys;
Still, though, perhaps, we scarce replace them,
We'll try to earn our meed of praise
And hope, at least, we don't disgrace them.
So-head her to the harbour bar
(We'll strive to raise no ruth or rancour)
Stand by, my lads, one last Hurrah !
Now-man the helm and heave the anchor.
2 FTJN. LJA. 1, 1879.
OUR EXTRA- SPECIAL'S PLANS FOR THE
IT is but right, sir, that at the commencement of another new year
I should in some slight way foreshadow the nature of the extra-
special services I hope to be engaged in on your behalf. It is my
firm intention to commence operations by discovering the North Pole,
unless, indeed, I consent to oblige the Government by first of all
arranging the new scientific frontier in Afghanistan, and staying a
few days in Asia Minor on my way back to superintend the initiation
of the promised reforms.
But I hope to get these items ticked off as done from my list of
engagements, and the Arctic Expedition well over. Of course the
latter will be made in a balloon-in good time for that voyage to the
moon I hope to personally conduct during the summer months, and
the names of passengers for which may at once, with your permission,
sir, be left with our excellent publisher.
This trip over, I shall not lose a single day in fitting out, with the
assistance of Dr. Kenealy and Mr. Guildford Onslow, my expedition
to the Antipodes for the discovery of Arthur Orton; and whilst in
Australia I think of beating up recruits for the colonization of New
Guinea, and, if possible, of inducing Dr. "Dewdrop to accompany
them to their new home as permanent legal adviser to the community.
This little antipodial digression will not prevent me, I hope, from
carrying out my long-formed intention of running to earth-or to
water it may be-the great sea-serpent, and to thus anticipate, if pos-
sible, his appearance in the fall of the year.
Nor do I intend to let the Arthur Orton question interfere with my
philanthropic mission for the propagation of Fuan in the islands of the
western Highlands, and all the remoter parts of the earth!
Before the winter sets in, too, I hope to have accomplished that
journey from Paris to Pekin in a bath-chair, which will make me the
Burnaby of the season, as soon as my book, describing the trip, is
It is my intention to administer Eno's Fruit Salt to all the afflicted
potentates I come across en route, and, on my return, to stand for the
City, if there chance to be a vacancy; and then move for a national
holiday, as soon as I am in the House of Commons, to enable the
public to go and see my bath-chair, which will be on view at the
My expedition for discovering Stanley will be, meanwhile, in pre-
paration, and I shall start a flying column on patent space-annihilating
rockets, so soon as it is authoritatively announced that Henry is cer-
tainly lost. It is my purpose, even if we do not discover him, to
annex the stores of ivory of which he has, in the simplicity of his
open Cambrian heart, told us the whereabouts; and you may expect,
sir, a balloonful to arrive on the roof of 153, Fleet-street twice a day
after the Ist of October, which I shall expect you to sell for me on
commission, reserving enough, however, to build me a semi-detached
villa at Brixton-rise, and make a duplicate set 'of Pool's billiard balls.
These varied engagements will, of course, not interfere with my
readiness to undertake on your behalf any extra-special duties which
may arise in the natural course of events, such as the Melbourne
International Exhibition, the Baby Show at North Woolwich, the
inauguration of an Imperial cemetery at Cyprus, the publication of
your holiday number, the committal of Messrs. Parnell and Biggar to
the Tower, or a pilgrimage to the birthplace of the gigantic goose-
berry of the silly season.
I shall also hold myself in readiness, with my portmanteau packed,
my packet of assorted sandwiches cut, and my flask replenished, for
any suddenly-developed field of duty such as a Russian War, a Turkish
Occupation, a French Revolution, or an European Congress, whilst
just pour passer le temps, when not more importantly engaged, I have
arranged to stay a fortnight, en famille, with Prince Bismarok, to
pass a few weeks as a first-class patient in a private lunatic asylum,
to tramp from London to York, giving details of all the casual wards
en route, to pay a flying visit to the Princess and her Marsuis in
Canada, to strike ile" in Pennsylvania, fight a couple or so of libel
suits, start a new journal, run a theatre, bring out a volume of poems,
go round the world in a bathing machine fitted with Edison's Patent
Electro-Dynamic Navigator (Unlimited), and fight a duel on thQ
That I have also other dreams for the future of plans of a more
broad and boundless character, you, sir, who know my aspirations,
will readily understand. If all goes well your Extra-Special Will
make his name famous on the Peiho and in the Patent Office, whilst
his mighty project for the wholesale exportation of our barrel-organs
and their grinders to the banks of the Congo, for the purpose of 'over-
awing the savage tribes in that district, will alone, if successful, entitle
him to public honour. But in the meantime, sir, I suppose I had
better hold myself at your disposal.
MY NICE NEW YEAR ONCE MORE.
THx time has fully arrived, it's plain,
To find that nice little year again;
Let's hope its visage is far more bright
Than when 'twas recently brought to light.
I'm not so confident now; and-yes-
I have misgivings, I must confess;
My mind's unable to quite ignore
The shock my confidence got before;
There comes a flutter about my heart-
A doubtful flutter that won't depart;
My fingers shake-I am bound to say-
My fingers shake in a nervous way.
With dreadful efforts I brace myself;
I snatch that year from its dusty shelf;
With strange misgiving, and nerves that creep,
I've bared a corner to take a peep.
Oh dear! In terror I've pitched it back!
That corner's thoroughly, deeply, black;
With fierce suppression I steel my soul-
I make one effort-I bare the whole!
Disgust and giddiness o'er me steal;
I clutch the furniture near ; I reel;
I search all over that year in vain
For one small particle free from stain;
Remark each blemish-Your cheek will pale I
See here's a wreck on the vastest scale;
With human vermin that swarm around
To rob the bodies that may be found.
And here I notice with strange regret
(Policemen being a decent set)-
Unchecked brutality rage and storm
Arrayed in constable's uniform.
And here are magistrates time by time
Remarking, This is a fearful crime.
It points atrocity's utmost reach,-
We'll fine the prisoners sixpence each."
And here-see Manchester's griefs afford
A tale of knavery's just reward;
I see the cottons with loading cloyed,
And then stagnation and trade destroyed.
And swindling Registries gorge their fill;
And here are:-Russia existing still-
Polluted rivers-and crumbling Banks-
And war's diversions-and Peace's pranks!
Ah me! my 'Seventy-eight, I'm grieved
To be so cruelly undeceived!-
In pain and bitterness, crimes, and tears
You match the other departed years!
The sand is running, your end is nigh,
It grieves me little to watch you die;
I only shudder that, in your place,
Will rise another as vile and base!
JAN. 1, 1879.1 F TJN 3
is manifestly unfair, unless the customer be guaranteed against peck-
A VERY WEIGHTY MEASURE. ulation.
Ells, too, are of various length, from the Flemish ells, which are
THE effect of the new Weights and Measures Act which is to come quarters long, to Turkish or Dardan-elles, which are many miles.
into operation this year will be, it is said, to do away with all the in- The subject, however, is practically inexhaustible, and our purpose
numerable local varieties of standards which exist all over the country, here has only been to call attention to a grievance waiting to be re-
and make the Imperial Standard everywhere the sole one that can be dressed by the weighty measure of which we have spoken.
legally used. As it is, wheat is sold by bushels of twelve different
capacities in different parts of the country. But all this is to
be changed, we are assured. We hope this opportunity will South London Rail-ery.
be taken, too, to abolish such invidious distinctions as are now ONE of our caustic contributors, who travels by the South London
kept alive by the use of the church-" yard," into which, at line, recently resented being delayed about an hour and a quarter,
present, dissenting "feet" are not allowed to enter. It would be when he was informed by an official that the delay was caused by
well to settle, too, finally how many horses feet there are in a stable their trying some new signals. "I don't know anything about trying
yard, and whether the Old Palace Yard and the modern courtyard new signals," replied our 0. C., "but I do know that you have been
are identical in length. Why, again, if twelve ounces go to the trying my temper."
pound, should not the standard weight of other varieties of panthers
be fixed; and, if three barleycorns make an inch, how many Corney A Poor Jest.
Grains, we should like to be told, make a "piece." ON Saturday last a suburban curate announced that On Monday
Once more, does the haut ton weigh more than 20 cwt. ? and do next there will be an entertainment in aid of giving a Christmas
69j miles make an M.A. degree, or simply a B.A. or B.Sc. ? dinner to the local poor at 8 o'clock." For the poor to dine at the
Surely, too, it is anomalous if 2, inches make a nail, not to know aristocratic hour of 8 is a rich idea.
what sort of nail it is-tenpenny brass-headed, or what F-and what
is the lineal equivalent of a tin-tack P What's the Odds P
The rods, too, are apt to beat the student who is not well up in his E tr
ent Public Instruction is continuing, the betting being decidedly on the
thing from a fishing-rod, which, strangely enough, becomes two rods, latter. In fact, in the language of the ring, if it is not quite three
if you catch a perch on it, since a rod is a perch, according to lineal to one bar one on him, it is at all events three to one, Bar-doux I
measure. The length of rods in pickle varies very much, as does
the stair-rod, whilst the black and white rods in use-at the Houses of
Parliament are more, perhaps, for purposes of RodOemontades than To prepare an Irish Stew.
actual use. TRAIL your coat in an Irish fair, and request any gentleman to
There is that deceitful measure the peck, too, the capacity of which tread on the tails of it.
must evidently depend on the size of the bird's bill which makes it.
Dealers are apt, though, to make the bill depend on the peck; which A MAYOR'S NEST.-The Mansion House.
AT THE PLAY
(WITH A JUVENILE PARTY).
O I love the children's glee,
That I do!
It enraptures me to see
Tom and Lou,
Sam and Sue, and Jane, and Jack,
Stamp for joy, and blithely hack
At my ankles, till they're black-
Aye, and blue !
Very gentle are their ways, j
Sweet and kind,
On these blessed holidays!
If sometimes they're cross as sticks;
Now they've only pretty tricks-
But they're ready before six-
I've not dined
Ready, eager, boys and girls,
Of those very oily curls;
They will trip out in their pride,
When the cab door opens wide:-
I'm obliged to ride outside
In the rain.
In that narrow box, I sweas,
Group so dandy, debonair,
Gay as that!
And while Jane explains to Jack
Who's the villain garbed in black-
I'm kept standing at the back
On my hat.!
Oh, the nuts that make them cough,
Sweets that stick!
Little girls who will drop off,"
Boys who kick!
Say, my cherubs, say, my own,
Can't you have enough of clown
Till that last green curtain's down,
And you're sick P
SINGouLA FISHING.-Dredging for roast meat.
"TIMES ARE ALTERED."
Swell (in trunks, going to the Fancy Ball) :-" A, Tom, A CHAP HAD 80tE
CHANCE WITH THE GALS IN THOSE DAYS."
To :--"YEs; BUT IT WAS A 'LITTLE' ONE, I SHOULD THINK."
ON THE TRAIL.-A DOMESTIC INCIDENT.
[JAY. 1, 1879.
"And all over the drawing-room, spoiling the carpet and the chairs I"
" Oh, dear I and all along the 'all and up the stairs. Jest look at the footmarks "
And the careful domestic followed up-stairs to reprove that Then the master came home; and his eye fell upon the track; and he was seen to choose the
mischievous animal, most nobbly stick in the umbrella-st and and ascend the stairs. After that cat, no doubt.
FUN.-JAN. 1, 1879.
THE NEW YEAM'S PARTY-IDANCE No. 1879.
.Lord Beaky :-"MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF THIS DANCE WITH YOU?"
Miss Britannia:-" THANKS; IF YOU ARE QUITE SURE OF THE STEP, AND YOU WON'T GO TO9 FAST
JAN. 1, 1879.] F U N 7
Resident Gentleman to Town Crier :-" What a horrid sound that
bell of yours has, Walter; you ought to have one with a better tone "
Wattie (sarcastically):-" Sir It's informashin I give the people,
nae mewsik "
As usual the various Railway Companies issued details of their
special Christmas holiday arrangements. And as usual, too, they were
defective and incomplete details, for we did not find in the programme
of any company any such items as the following:-
1. All our trains will be consistently and persistently late till the
close of the year.
2. Each carriage will be crammed to its utmost extent, and the
packed passengers will be wedged into their seats and welded into one
steaming, rather than esteeming, mass by hampers and parcels of all
shapes and sizes.
3. All protests and complaints of our lack of punctuality and
carrying capabilities will be cheerily met with the rejoinder that
Christmas comes but once a year I"
4. All hampers and parcels committed to our charge for carriage
and delivery will, in case they survive the numerous dangers of the
journey, be eventually delivered to someone at some time, but to whom,
or when, we will not guarantee. We can assert with conscious pride,
however, that it is our well-nigh inevitable practice.
(a). In case the contents of the package or hamper are of a
perishable nature, to deliver the said package or hamper the day after
decay has set in.
(b). To deliver all prosaic and ordinary business-looking parcels
with frantic haste, whilst all hampers avowedly of a Christmassy
nature, and the delivery of which would make its recipient's Christ-
mas-day all the jollier, are carefully shunted at a bye station, and lost
till after the holidays are over.
(c). In case of rocking-horses, high chairs, baby-jumpers, nursery
yachts, dolls' houses, and other fragile nursery wares, no effort will be
spared on our part to teach their juvenile consignees patience and self-
denial by delivering the aforesaid articles in as many pieces as possible.
(d). To never, under any circumstances, delay the delivery of a
hamper of half-bricks, packed in straw, with a layer of feathers on
the top, the carriage on such packages being always unpaid in
5. We also promise to ingeniously contrive that all the pro-
tracted delays of passenger trains on our line shall take place at out-
of-the-way and incommodious junctions or road-side stations, where
there is neither waiting-room, refreshment-bar, nor book-stall ; the
consequent trials of temper being so excellent for all immediately
6. With a view of entering fully into the merry and jocose spirit
of the season, we issue, as usual, special bills and pamphlets giving
the exact details of all Christmas arrangements, the exact details,
that is to say, which we mean to in no case carry out, and which
therefore only serve to catch the unwary. The paramount humour
of this proceeding will probably come home to the passenger en route.
GARDENING FOR THE MONTHS.
HINTS To AMATEURS.
You can get rid of aphides if you are up to snuff. Give them
plenty of pinches. Do not dig when there is snow on the ground, or
when it is sodden, muddy, or sticky from recent frost. If you do,
you will chill your soil, and also probably yourself. In ordinary
Januaries, if you keep strictly to this rule, you will not be called upon
to dig once throughout the month; which, of course, will be agreeable.
You will have all the more time for thinking. hard of what you are
going to do when you please to begin, according to the advice of a
leading authority. Be a leveller with your turf, but a protectionist
with your bulbs. A mat over them will be of service. If your
Christian name is Matthew, personally cover them up at nights, and
report results. Your kale will be cauld if you do not pot it, but not
as yet in the kitchen. If you have strawberries in pots, you may, if
you please, follow the authorities, and take them into the greenhouse;
but we should prefer to take them into the dining-room by ourselves.
Picotees must be looked after in the flower garden, and French Homrns
put into the kitchen garden. Take care the latter be not blasted.
Prune fruit trees. An elegant mode of pruning, likely to find favour
! with young gardeners, is to tie French plums on the branches of
Christmas trees. As to choice of cucumbers, we should say that Blue
Gown must be beggarly, the EmpressEugenie very fine and good-looking,
and the Marquis of Lorne likely to luxuriate in a hot bed at this season of
the year. We recommend undertakers to try Rableys; they are excel-
lent bearers. In the way of melons, Beechwood, we think, must be
tough. We have never found much in Queen Anne's Pocket. When
Orion has risen, it has a magnificent appearance. The Marquis of
Ailsa, having green flesh, must undoubtedly be very handsome. As
the excellence of a melon depends greatly on the way in which it is
netted, enlist the services of your wife and daughters, and bid them be
very careful with their meshes and needles. To save young leaves
from mildew syringe the plants with a decoction of elder leaves.
During this month you can enjoy sport without going outside your
garden. Hunt slugs, trap snails; and be hospitable to your captives
-let them taste your salt.
NEW YEAR'S EVE.
CLASH, you midnight bells, clash on
For the year so nearly gone ;
Clash it to its death,
Death of all its feverish strife,
Joy and sadness, all the life
Of its now spent breath.
Clash, you joyous bells, clash in
The young year that will begin
When the old year dies;
Pray we, that he bearer be
Of all good that we would see,
Of all life can prize.
THE Indian Government would appear to be taking a very bright
and rose-coloured view of the year's revenue. And yet, seeing the
way that the "lac" of rupees figures in all the accounts, a
"lachrymose" view would surely be more appropriate to the occasion.
A "Fell" Purpose.
HAMPSTEAD is up in arms-and very justly too-at the proposed
destruction of Well-walk by the felling ot its fine old lime-trees, and
the erection of villas in their place. It is to be hoped the trustees who
propose to carry out this outrage will yet be persuaded to "leave well
A Dangerous Connection.
A CONNECTICUT man has been badly poisoned by sucking whisky
through a lead pipe. Here is another awful example," then, for
the temperance lecturer, who can see nothing but evil in the connec-
tion twixtt "pipe and glass."
Kettle-long with You!
Ms. KETTLE, a member of the Home-Rule League, has been deliver-
ing his soul on various topics with relation to the split in the Home-
Rulers' camp. Our only wonder is we have not heard of the spout"
of this Kettle before.
ALLOTROrIC AQUAFORTIs.-Eau de Vie.
[JAN. 1, 1879.
THE COUNSELLOR IN DISGUISE.
A NEW YEAR's OPERA.
ScENE.-England. Stage extremely dark. Allegorical figure in centre
representing GENERAL DEPRESSION, IN TRADE.* There are no wings ;
everything is flat. Cotton aristocracy, Wborkingmen, Policemen and
others in depressed groups.
Chorus. Oh! terrible times !
Through their severity, deepening fast,
Dead is Prosperity; thing of the past
Terrible topic for him who reflects!
(General poverty even affects
These innocent rhymes!
Every rhyme to hand
Telling of infinite sweat of the brow),
Such is the state of our native land
Still deepening now.
Chorus of COTTON LORDS. Hope struggles in vain !
Several of us have tumbled so
Some of our horses have had to go !
Oh, Poverty's pain!
Fancy the terror of Poverty's frown-
Half our allowance of wine cut down !
Half our retainers are sent away !-
Surely our hair will be turning grey !
Chorus of WORKINGMEN. Our suffering's worse:
We can obtain, on existing pay,
Barely a gallon of beer a day,-
Such Poverty's curse!
We having but half the drink
Men ever require,
Wives, prey to starvation, sink;
Grates, empty and black as ink,
Boast never a fire!
Ere ruin was rife,
After the hubby had swilled his fill,
Several shillings remaining still.
Brought food to the wife !
Chorus of POLICEMEN from Piccadilly. We sadly admit
Truculent swagger and bullying ways
Seem to be hardly the method that pays:
No affable cit
Since the disgraceful Criterion row
Ever approvingly "tips" us now!
No-devil a bit!
General Chorus. Oh, terrible times!
Beggary every home invests,
luin with terrible force suggests
Drink, violence, crimes I
Symbolizing the pitch of adversity things have reached when even persons of
high military rank are forced to engage in commerce m order to obtain a scanty
Enter the NEW YaR, followed by a STRANGER, wearing a mask labelled
THE NEW YEAR. Let us hope that when I've made you
Known to this my worthy friend,
He'll successfully persuade you
That despair should have an end ;
VIRTUE" is his name ; believe me,
Intercourse with him involves
(Or I very much deceive me)
New and laudable resolves.
(All shake hands with VIRTUE," and undergo a strange sensation.)
General Chorus with a burst. New and strange sensations win us
To a sense of right and wrong !
Is it Virtue born within us,
New and wonderfully strong ?
(Grimaces of incredulity, astonishment, and so on )
With unwonted admiration
We reflect on Virtue's traits!
We are full of lamentation
Touching past disgraceful ways !
Can it be emotion founded
On repentance ? No Absurd !
Yet it-well, we are astounded-
Yes it is, upon our word!
(Enthusiastically). Welcome, Virtue! Holy feeling
With Repentance in thy track,
Like a sweet sensation stealing
Up your sleeves and down your back !
Chorus of CorroN LORDS (with a heavenly light on their faces).
Filled with bitter condemnation
Of the wrong we've done before,
With a wicked preparation
Will we load our goods no more.
Honest worth, for cash, we'll part with-
There's a sacrifice to start with I
When a public recognition
Of our virtue gets about,
Wretched foreign competition
Will no longer cut us out.
Losing tricks we will dispense with-
There's repentance to commence with!
Chorus of WORKINGMEN. Idleness, a fell destroyer,
We will banish with our cuss' ;
We will do by our employer
As we'd have him do by us;
Never more shall be expected
Wages for a week, to pay
For a job of work effected
Easily in half a day.
With exertion unabated
We will work with might and main,
Till the trade is reinstated-
Then the working man will gain.
JAN. 1, 1879.]
Chorus of POLICEMEN. Savage oaths no longer blending
With revengeful kicks and shoves,
We will be as unoffending,
Meek, and peacable as doves,
Yet so active and discerning
When the time to act arrives ;
Then the little tip," returning,
Shall reward our gentle lives !
Chorus of all the rest of Creation. We perceive with satisfaction
Lots of cases where a plain,
Honest, noble course of action
Might result in solid gain ;
By the course we've indicated
Shall our future gains be made,
Virtue's mostly overrated
When it's sharp, and overpaid.
THE GENTLEMAN WITH THE MASK, politely advancing.
I pray your pardon; I've deceived you slightly;
SELF-INTEREST" is my cognomen rightly;
But still, as such a name is apt to fetter,
We'll use my other-" VIRTUE sounding better!
General chorus of everybody (relieved).
Glad to hear it! Having dealings,
As we thought, with Virtue, gave
Awkward unaccustomed feelings
Very difficult to brave ;
Oh, our bashfulness was frightful,
Virtue seemed so strange and new:
Now affairs will be delightful
As, of course, we're used to you.
(General rejoicing and registry of New Year's Resolves.)
AT Drury Lane the pantomime, Cinderella, or Harlequin and the
Fairy Slipper, is supported by those eminently slippery people, the
Vokes They dance so fastly that during their regime the entertain-
ment cannot possibly be slow, an opinion long since settled Yokes
Jack and the Beanstalk, at Covent Garden, goes in more particularly
for singing; the engagement of Messra. Herbert Campbell and the
"great" Macdermott being sufficient to ensure a music 'al' success.
The Christmas novelty at the Alhambra is The Goose with the Golden
Egs, for which an eggstraordinaty strong company has been engaged
to meet the eggs agencies of an eggsacting story.
The pantomime at the Marylebone has been entrusted to Mr. Frank
Hall, who frankly has proved himself to be Hall there" in his
selection of Jack the Giant Ktller. The liberality of the management
is conspicuous, and shows that the lessee is determined not to Cave in. 6t
Caste is being rehearsed at the Prince of Wales's with Mr. George
Honey specially re-engaged for old Eceles, a part which he plays
sweetly, in fact, without him in the reproduction this theatre would
It is stated that Miss Kate Pattison will join the Court Company.
We had not understood that it was severed in any way, although we
know some of the company will be in two pieces.
One Good Return Deserves Another.
MR. SAMUELSON, M.P., will, on the 13th of February next, move
for a return relating to Cyprus, of which he has given notice. Why
does not Mr. Samuelson or some other member boldly give notice of a
motion for a return of that pestilential island-to its former owners ?
CHARITY BLESSING BOTH GIVER AND TAKER.-At Christmas time
pile up your kitchen fire. The range will be grateful.
THE "STRAND" BABY.
WHO is't whose life has just begun
With quip, and crank, and mirth, and fun,
Who cannot walk, yet's bound to run ?-
With grief o'erwhelmed and sore distrest,
By fear disturbed, by care opprest,
Who makes me laugh with merry jest P-
Who is it from each box and stall
Each night receives applause from all,
Because his birth was with a eaul ?-
French parentage he owns, but here
He's godfathered, the pretty dear,
By C. H. Ross and A. T. Freer-
Sweet "Baby" !
And to the theatre ev'ry night
These sponsors all the world invite
To pay their money for a sight
The Engineer Hoist."
STOCKTON-oN-TEEs has recently been visited by a
middle-aged man of "gentlemanly bearing," who,
representing himself as an agent of the Law Reform
Association, succeeded in obtaining a. large sum of
money for the purpose of getting up and. presenting to
Parliament a petition for the appointment of a public
prosecutor. Of course the affair was a swindle, and
the middle-aged man of "gentlemanly bearing" has
been apprehended at Peterborough. The satire of a
swindler obtaining money to procure the services of a
public prosecutor is so splendid that we think the
scoundrel deserves to get off, especially as his efforts will
result in the object for which the money was obtained
-a public prosecution.
To welcome the New Year with a volley of ear
Or invite the Old Year to a farewell banquet served
up on a time-table.
"BETWIXT AND BETWEEN,"
Friendly Potman (to Cabby) :-" WELL, HENERY, ARE YOU GOIN' OUT
WITH THAT KICKING 'OSS TO-DAY?"
Cabby :-" No, ROBERT, IT'S FOUR-WHEELER'S TURN THIS TIMe A KICKIN'
'o088 MAY DO FOR A 'ANSOM, Y'SEE-yuv got yer fare twixtt you an' 'is 'eel8 IF
HE WO" T3 TURN ACCIDENTAL, BUT A FOUR-WHEELER AIN'T, YOU SEE."
[JAN. 1, 1879.
Scene: Outside Westminster Hall.
Defendant (from the country, to Friend):-" OH, MY COUNSEL'S A Q.C., is HE? AH, WHAT'S A Q.C., THEN?"
Friend (always inclined for a bit of a joke):-" I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY, BUT I THINK IT STANDS FOR QUESTIONABLE CHARACTER.'"
Defendant:-" I SEE; THEN IT DON'T MATTER IF HE TELLS A FEW GOOD CRAMMERS FOR ME."
METEOROLOGICAL MEMS. Now Ready, the Thirty-fifth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
IN some cases the storm signal hoisted at seaports is called a" cone," TWENTY-EIGHTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
at others a drum." But the two are never hoisted together, because agent Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 6s. Cases, for binding Is. 6d. each.
a "cone-an'-drum" would be little better than a "riddle" to the Also Reading Cases, is. 6d. each.
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remember that there are still as balmly winds on the south-west as THE BRITISH WORKING MAN:
" zephyr came out of it. BY ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.
Some people are inclined to doubt whether the wind ever "blows And other Sketches by J. F. Sullivan. Engraved by Dalziel Brothers.
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HOOD'S COMIC ANNUAL FOR 1879.
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As,-,,'Supplied: to I the
j_ LAUNDRESS I
LAYS OF MY LOVES.
FLOWERS OF SPEECH.
WILL I help you gather roses,
Help you at your morning task,
Help you bind them into posies ?
What a thing for you to ask !
Come along the morn is brightsome,
Happy Nature's sunny smile,
Showing she is glad and lightsome-
Happy as myself the while!
Here's a "Standard," triple grafted
Bearing pink, and white, and red,
Shaking it, the petals wafted,
Nestle on your golden head.
Dana6 had no such shower-
Half as precious, twice as cold,
Better own a lover's power
Due to Nature than to gold !
Cease my nonsense I Heartless maiden!
Please recall the words you said!
No Well, here's the Standard" laden
With the pink, and white, and red.
See, that trio in a cluster-
Happy buds! with meaning rife;
Knowing in their coloured lustre
They reflect a maiden's life.
Stay! I'll pluck them. Here's the white one,
Now the pink, and last the red.
Do you know their meaning, bright one ?
Pray say "No," not shake your head.
Seeking from your golden tresses
Petals fondly scattered there-
Yet, I think, your cheek confesses
You suspect what they declare 1
White's a heart that knows no aching-
Yours is not the WHITE, I think.
Pink's a heart that's just awaking, ,
Touched by love-Is yours the PINK ?
Red's the heart begetting blushing,
Quiv'ring lips, and drooping head,
While the tell-tale crimson rushing-
Pretty one, your heart's the RED I
Darling! Our twin hearts engrafted
On a life affection's root,
By the breath of kisses wafted,
Must produce some happy fruit.
LoTs of kisses though are needed,
So our lips long, loving meet,
While the roses, all unheeded,
Lie neglected at our feet!
A Simple Addition.
THE late Lord Russell's famous saying,
Rest and be thankful! might be used by
the Liberal party as an election cry, with but
a very slight addition. Make it Wrest!
and be thankful Il" and it would doubtless
carry dismay into many a Tory member's
THE GROSVENOR GALLERY.-The directors deserve great credit for the
wonderful collection they have been able to get together. The West
gallery will be most attractive to the general public, while the Eist
will have a peculiar interest to the student from the fict that
these wonderful drawings by the old masters come from sources that
are not generally available. In the collection of water-colours,
although there is much that is familiar to the regular habituif of our
various galleries, still the bringing together of such a mass of good,
and at the same time popular art i3 a fine supplement to the last year's
collection of what, broadly speaking, was an exhibition of the works
of the fathers of water-colour painting in England. In the present
exhibition Sir John Gilbert occupies the centre of one end of the
gallery, with some of his glorious battle pictures; at the opposite end we
have Frederick Taylor's large drawing, "The Poppinjay,' thus giving
the places of honour to the past and present Presidents of the Society
"THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER."
Mis Smith :-" CAN YOU PICK OUT ARCHIE AND KATE DOWN THERE, Ma.
Mr. C. :-" OH, YES, I AM VER' GOOD-LOOKING."
Miss S. (gently) :-" THAT DOSS not MEAN KEEN-SIGHTED.'
Mr. C. :- "AH, YES, Y9S ; VAT I MEAN I AM LOOKING VER' WELL I"
of Painters in Water-colours-a well-devised and well-deserved
compliment to men who really are big links in the rolling chain of
art. It is to be regretted that some dozen or more men are not here
who ought to have been, and that some are by no means shown at their
best; still, the collection is a good one, and there is plenty of material
in the country to repeat the same idea another year.
The Society of Painters in Water-colours has a good average exhibi-
tion, full of beautiful works, but without much that is remarkable.
Perhaps the most important picture, certainly the grandest bit of colour,
is The Night March," by the President, Sir John Gilbert.
The Institute of Painters in Water-colours has one of the finest
shows it has ever had: it is getting stronger and stronger in figure
work every year, and taken as a whole we cannot but feel that in the
present exhibition there is more variety and consequently more
interest than at the Gallery of the old Society. Herkomer exhibits
three portraits, and Gregory some powerful studies, but why does not
the latter give us some finished work worthy of his great ability ?
JAN, 8, 1879.]
12 FUN. [JA. 8, 1879.
THE ROUND OF THE THEATRES.
ROPHONIrUS was moody with
little apparent cause, however, for
his grate was heaped with coal, and
his fire roared with a cheery sound.
On his table stood, recently opened,
a bottle of some generous fluid, the
condition of which proved con-
clusively that the steaming glass at
I the prophet's elbow was by no
X means the first of its kind brewed
that evening. Near at hand, also,
might have been observed a well-
stocked box of cigars, a fragrant
delegate from which occupied one
corner of the classic curve of the
alleviating his depression, these
S creature-comforts seemed rather to
aggravate it-he was moody to
sulkiness. A letter from his Editor with instructions to notice the
Christmas pieces was responsible for this unpleasant state of affairs.
"I wish," he muttered, "those
pantomime fairies were real, and I
had one of them here."
"What then ?" said a little voice
from the centre of the blazing fire.
It was a very little voice, sounding
exactly like the flutter of coal flame, s
and belonging to a very little figure
in a short flimsy skirt-a figure with :
very pink legs-and face, neck and
arms covered with a thick white bloom
-a figure rather affected in attitude.
"What then?" repeated Tro-
phonius-he was not in the least dis-
turbed by the advent of the strange
visitor-" why, I'd ask her to be
obliging enough to present all the
pieces to me in panorama, and save
me the trouble of going out. From
what I know of fairy customs, I make no doubt she would comply
"Perhaps I could assist you," said the little figure.
"You! Who are you, by the way ? returned
.' / the old man.
I/ am the spirit of Theatrical Christmas."
"Well," thought Trophonius, "there don't
S seem much of you."
"Not to you, perhaps," returned his visitor.
With the young, Theatrical Christmas is all
spirit; but to the old there is scarcely any spirit
V'', m'" in it. I don't think either of them very good
'.' Why," said the prophet, who had been stricken
'kIC\ ,"'A t. dumb by the discovery, "you can bear me think !"
,' The spirit nodded. Well, now, that's very con-
venient. With your permission I'll adopt that
mode of conversation- I can keep my cigar alight
comfortably. Well, now," continued he, in thought,
coul I yvi hblie me with a peep at those blessed plays ; first nights
for preference, you know ?"
Certainly," said the little lady, hopping on to the hearthrug and
striking an attitude, Behold DauaR LANE She waved her wand
-the back of the grate fell out-the fire disappeared-and in its place
the prophet saw a broad stage. Another moment and he was roaring
at a most novel boar hunt, in which a pusillanimous baron (with most
eccentric legs) and his servant get into difficulties with the quarry.
Then there's a Fairy Glass Factory, and then-why! Yes !-why, it's
Cinderella! But what a pert, mischievous (not to say "cheeky") Oin-
de ella! Is this sprightly, laughing creature the down-trodden
drudge whose woes have often caused the prophet's juvenile tears to
flow ? Ah, well, the prophet is old enough to know that laughter
does not prove the lightest heart, and he is not surprised when the
tears, which even the solace of a dance with a broomstick cannot
avert, flow from the erst-while merry maiden (a pretty piece of acting,
Miss Vokes). The Fairy Godmother soon appears, however, and the
story proceeds on the good old lines to its end-the transformation
scene introducing a merry enough harlequinade.
"COVENT GARDEN!" says the spirit, waving her wand. The back of
the grate comes down for a space (much as if someone had winked a
gigantic eye) and, lifting again, reveals "The Abode of Time."
"This is Jack and the Beanstalk," says Trohonius, after watching
the piece a short while, "and isn't it splendidly mounted. And here's
-ha! ha! ha !-here's Herbert Campbell- and Macdermott-they
are good-and-oh, I say, what a comic poodle! It's Master Lauri.
The dancing and singing of Misses Leslie and Coote please me
ALHAMBRA says the fairy, and again the grate winks. What a
crowd of graceful figures! What costumes, graceful and grotesque
in colour and cut, and bewildering in variety. But is the dialogue by
Tupper ? Or is it culled from a good-goody book ? It must be so-
someone has just emitted a joke that was a venerable Joe Miller in
'the prophet's infancy. It is very dreary; the prophet begins to nod.
Stay, what trim figure is this that approaches, all in pink? She
sings! Of course!-it is Miss Loseby, and she says she's an
orphan. Trophonius always had a weakness for orphans; she has
only to come to him, and he will gladly shield her from the cold, cold
world. But the dialogue is at it again, plodding along wearily ; Miss
Soldene, by her brightness and briskness, galvanises it into life for a
moment, but even her efforts are but partially successful, and the
prophet is dropping off once more, when-blaze of light-ballet !-
The Union of Nations;" and a magnificent ballet it is, even
for this the home of ballet. More dreary dialogue, a merry duet
between M. Bruet and Mdlle. Riviere, in their native tongue (probably
in compliment to residents in the neighbourhood of "Leices-t6rie
Squarr"), a good deal of magical-egg exploding, giving rise to some
clever mechanical changes of scene, and
there comes another ballet, costumed with
great taste and beauty in imitation of birds.
The crows are particularly effective. At ,
this point there comes a blank. "Hullo!
what now ?" thought the prophet.
"That's all I saw on the first night," .
explained the spirit; it was so late.
There's another act, I think,' and the
Girards are in it."
The next place was the GAIETY, where l'
she showed him Jack the Giant Killer (Miss l '
Jenny Hill's "new departure" is a sue-
cess); then she showed him Aladdin, at the i
AQUARIUM (Messrs. Collette and Fawn are ?
funny, and Miss Kate Phillips delightful),
Robin Hood at the STANDARD, The House That
Jack Built at the SURREY (Trophonius
wanted some of Miss Worrall's dances over again, but the fairy was
inexorable), Hokee-Pokee at the GRECIAN (where there is a marvellous
porcupine), Cinderella at SANGER'S, Jack the Giant Killer at the
MARYLEBONE, and Little Red Riding Hood at the PAVILION.
Why, you've grown !" said the prophet suddenly. So she had.
"Yes; there's more spirit in Theatrical Christmas than you
thought, you see."
Yes, but look here-I'm getting quite bewildered with all the
light and glitter you've shown me, and my brain is throbbing to a
conglomerate tune made up of 'More or Less,' Where was
Moses ?' Run for the Doctor,' et cetera. Can't we do something
else by way of relief ? Couldn't y ou sing a song, for instance ?"
Well, yes," replied she obligingly, "I can give you a song which
combines business with pleasure" ; and she struck up at once :-
Though the pantomimes you've seen may appear enough, I ween,
I can add a half-a-dozen to the list-
There's Tom Tiddler at the Vic. ; at the ALEXANDRA, Dick,
Who finds the Bells of Bow he can't resist;
And you'll find BRITANNIA rule with the strangest M.agic Mule;
While Ali Baba lords it at the PARK ;
And the ALBION is gay with old Sinbad for the play;
And Crusoe at "the CRYSTAL is a larkl
All the rest commit the crime of disdaining pantomime,
But their Christmas entertainments are not bad-
At the COURT, although they say A Scrap of Paper is the play,
There's not a scrap of paper" to be had ;
At the HAYMAEKET, I'm told, they have not been coining gold,
But things have reached a Crisis there at last;
And the PRINCE OF WALES's? Well, how the breed" will always
E'en Diplomacy is giving way to Caste.
The ADELPHI offers Proof that you shouldn't hold aloof;
Merrie Islington Pink Dominos enjoys;
The Tuo O'phans, I'll be bound, cannot be too often found;
And you'll never see the finish of Our Boys.
At the FOLLY, you may see, with considerable glee,
A Wedding M larch that ought to yield some pelf,
And though Royalty, it's true, never patronises you,
You should patronise the ROYALTY yourself.
"I mustn't forget to mention," said the spirit, after acknowledging
the prophet's plaudits with several low curtsies, "Hamlet at the
LYCEUM, where Mr. Irving's energy as a manager, and talent (I had
JAx. 8, 1879.]
nearly said genius) as an actor deserve every success, and where Miss
Terry adds another to her laurels, and-oh I nearly forgot, I mn',st
show you something else,-look here." And the grate opened again.
Bat what--? began Trophonius.
"Hush!" said his companion; Don't make a noise or else you'll
wake The Baby.'" Then he knew he was at the STRAND, and
presently the antics of Messrs. Marius and Cox, the charm of Miss
Cameron's face and voice, the cleverness of clever Miss Venue, and
the diverting incidents of the piece were yielding him the utmost
delight and enjoyment. He was quite sorry when the grate closed up
and the fire returned to its place. Is that all? he asked.
That's all- except that, if you want to spend a merry evening,
you should visit Messrs. Moore and Burgess-you ought to hear Mr.
Leigh's Captain of the Awkward Squad,' sung with great vivacity
and dash by G. W. Moore. And now good-bye."
Good-bye. (I say, how you have grown; you quite fill the room !)
But won't you take something before you go-a little spirit-? "
"Spirit!" shrieked the fairy; am I CANNIBAL ?" and the
idea appeared to hurt her feelings so terribly that she gave a long low
moan, resembling the sound made by gas escaping from a burning
coal; the moan grew, until it became almost unbearable to the prophet,
and at last, when he could bear it no longer, he awoke. And the gas
was escaping from the last coal of his expiring fire.
IN the case of an alleged fraudulent bankruptcy Beard: at Bow-street
on Thursday, the defendant, a wine'-broker, was said to have illegally
traded with large quantities of wines and spirits, and the report states
that "an assistant to the firm of Messrs. Wisdom and Water was
called to disprove one of the allegations of the bankrupt." Beyond
the alliterativeness of the firm there is something strikingly
suggestive here for Sir Wilfrid Lawson. A man comes to grief in
the wine trade, and its folly is shown through the evidence that upsets
him being that of Wisdom and Water.
AN ETHNOLOGICAL FACT.-There are no-mad Tartars.
Was it an Axey-dent?
Ma. GLADSTONE'S silver axe was duly forwarded to Hawarden, to
him by van train, on the evening of the 27th ult., nicely packed in a
brown paper parcel by the editor of the Echo, who, we suppose, also
prepaid the carriage. After opening the parcel and showing the
strange birthday present (for which we hope the ex-Premier promptly
returned a halfpenny to Mlr. Passmore Edwards, as otherwise the love
existing between the People's William and his admirers will be cut) to
his carious family, the difficulty was to decide where to place the axe.
Numerous places were tried, bat at last it was fastened up to two
nails jast beneath a water-colour drawing of Oxford Cathedral. Absit
omen But some, no doubt, will see in this circumstance an intima-
tion that the right hon. woodman's axe will some day be laid at the
root of the Church of England tree I
A Mark of Esteem.
ONLY last week the Gazette announced the fact that the Queen had
conferred the Albeit medal upon Mark Addy (who had previously
received every other medal from different societies for his singular
bravery), he having saved no less than 39 lives from drowning. We
now note that on Christmas day he rescued another woman from the
river Irwell, and in making public thelact of Mairk Addy's courageous
conduct we would suggest that he receive a substantial recognition, in
fact an Addyquate reward.
A L(o)unge in Tier(ce)rh
THE report that the new Opera House on the Thames Embankment
is about to be completed is probably due to the rumour that Lord
Beaconsfield has taken the matter in hand with the view of carrying
out, in the row of boxes, his ideas as to a scientific front-tier."
A Question of Contract.
WHEN a man is'said to have contracted a habit of drinking," does
it mean that he haf taken to drink, or that he has diminished his con-
sumption of liquor ?
HARD AS NAILS."
THE rules of philosophy seemed to my youth
All bosh save the peripatetic,
I hated all training-despised it, in truth-
Excepting the strictly athletic.
I was foremost in ev'ry description of playing,
Of my fights there were terrible tales,
And the school was unanimous always in saying
That I was as "hard as nails !"
When older I grew, educational lore
I shirk'd (when I could) in my college,
Hard work, save with arms, or with legs, was a bore;
I went in for muscular knowledge.
I was captain in field and on flood, and for staying,"
I was first at the oar or the bails,"
And the whole university, nem. con., was saying
That I was as hard as nails "
My studies I left an illustrious man
In the annals of boating and cricket,
I entered Fame's temple, as very few can,
By my own peculiar wicket!
On the river I pulled "-I was never belaying,"
For I hated to hoist up the sails,
And my love, as I row'd her, delighted in saying,
That I was as "hard as nails "
Time fled on glad wings, and my darling was won,
And tranquil and bright shone life's ocean!
Not a cloud could be seen to obscure its sun,
No cat's-paw to fan it to motion.
But my love has a temper, and, one day, obeying
Its passions tempestuous gales,
All my face got so scratched it confuted the saying
That I was as hard as nails! "
PROSELTTISM is said to be carried on to a considerable
extent in the new province of Bulgaria. Mahommedans
are bribed to become Christians, and if they refuse
they are sent away from their villages on a walking
expedition in a south-west direction, the hope being that
they will thus come to Tirnova at last.
Cabman (with great politeness, to old gentlemen, who is coming a cropper"
on a slide):-" PRAY BB SEATED, SIR !"
THE PENALTY OF FAME.
rJAN. 8 1879.
There was an Individual who yearned to be distinguished; And continually worshipped at the Temple of Fame.
And one fine day the Lady answered his summons; but on the tail of her skirts sat a BUGBEAR with an ADDRESS I And the Fame-Worshipper fled.
FUJIN.-JAN. 8, 1879.
THE CONVERTED CLOWN.
Bussia:-" OH, MR. POLICEMAN, I'VE SEEN THE ERRORS OF MY WAYS, AMD I'LL NEVER DO SO NO MORE, SIR,-
NOT TILL NEXT TIME."
JAN. 8, 1879.] FUTJNF 17
THE LAME DOG.
0 OME fellows I've met as we
Iii /1: 'Tween starting, and end of
|l M ; :*'-. That never seem ready, though
ii ever so strong,
To carry their share of the load.
Some obstacle ever will hang as a
At every lap of the
They halt and they whine
like the lamest old dog
----- Till you help them over
S the stile.
Tho' early in life they
seem smart at their
An Perhaps just too slow to
They go with a dash on
the dustiest way
As if they determine to
But when at the gap you
may chivy" or flog;
The same through the rugged defile,
They're sure to hang back like a dead-beaten dog,
Till you help them over the stile.
Some off at the first seem to scamper away,
And never need looking behind,
O'er grassy green meadows on sunshiny day
With friends ever gentle and kind.
No cloud-shadows dim and no barriers clog,
Glad fortune has ever a smile ;
And sometimes we find these will give a lame dog
A lift o'er the hindering stile.
And others I've met, let them strive as they would,
And fight like the stalwart and strong,
Yet somehow they always were breasting the flood
Or taking the side that was wrong.
But these were the men, tho' they floundered in fog,
Or missed the right track by a mile,-
Altho' they were beaten and lame as a dog,
They helped others over the stile.
And many there be, all so joyous and bright,
As fairest in village or town,
But missing their way on the road in the night,
Near neighbours pass by with a frown.
Let those that are all just and pure, here say I,
Cast a stone at the low and the vile,
But, whenever we hear the poor lame doggie cry,
Let us help it over the stile.
To me it's a mystery I can't understand
How some should be never in need
Of kind friends to give them a strong helping hand,
Or show them the right way to lead.
Some never get deep in the soft miry bog,
Their sun never ceases to smile,
While others are always the limping lame dog
To be lifted over the stile.
Yet most need some help as they journey along-
A word or a touch of the hand
(For every dog is not equally strong
The rough tide of battle to stand).
Dame Fortune will smile, and Dame Fortune will frown;
Howe'er we may try to beguile
And fancy all right, we oft find ourselves down,
And want a lift over the stile.
And if it's a crime to be tender and kind
To those who are far from the right,
That they should not be altogether behind,
Or perish 'mid storm in the night.
I hope they won't hit very hard when we've passed
The last weary mile of the day
At those who have helped some sad dogs at the last
To get o'er the stiles in their way.
OUR"EXTRA-SPECIAL AND MR. EDISON.
HAVING nothing particularly pressing on hand for the first few days
of this year, sir, I determined to run over to Menlo Park and see what
that much-talked-of gentleman, Mr. Edison, was really about with
that Electric Light of his, which, judging by the time he has taken,
must be a tolerably heavy thing to bring out.
Well, sir, although I had never been that way before, I soon knew
when I was near the great inventor's abode, for I found the neigh-
bourhood for miles round his laboratory a complete net-work of wires
and posts, whilst there was a most unmistakably scientific smell
about, and the air was vocal with the shouts of scores of phonographs,
one of which, of gigantic size, continually roared out in Mr.
Edison's own voice: I'm too busy with that light to see anybody.
Please go around my outlying knicknacks and pass on."
Now, this notice was all very well for ordinary reporters and
specials, but extra-specials are not to'be bound by ordinary rules ; and
so, sir, after stumbling over a tasimeter, being half frightened to
death by a megaphone, which I stepped on by accident, and coming to
temporary grief with a kind of scientific house-dog (worked by
electricity), which rushed out of a barrel like a young steam-engine
rejoicing in its youth, I managed to reach the inventor's sanctum, and
to announce myself in a fitful lull that fortunately occurred, owing to
the forty-three assistants, who were busily engaged in bottling,
for future use down west, the favourite operatic airs which were being
sung by members of Mr. Mapleson's company by telephone,
simultaneously turning off the supply taps in order to blow their two
score and three noses.
Mr. Edison, I must say, received me with great cordiality, for him,
on hearing who I was; and though he smartly covered the apparatus
he was at work upon with a copy of the New York Herald as I
introduced myself, he soon opened his heart to me, as you will see.
I plunged in medsas res at once. "I Mr. Edison," I said, Sir, we
are getting anxious about that electric light of yours, and that's a
fact. Some of the less faithful of us have been buying back our gas
shares again, to tell the truth, owing to a sinister report that your
light would be ready to use for the opening of our new Law Courts,
and not a day earlier. Now, I'm just come, you see, to know the
real rights of the matter, for I have an uncle a gas director, and two
friends who do big things in gas-tar in the City of London."
"It's all right, you bet!" returned the great inventor reassuringly,
covering up another little machine on which I had set my eye, with
my own hat, as he spoke.
It's a big thing that light of mine is, an immense thing, sir, a
regular lick-creation sort of a flame, I can tell you; and when I just
get it fixed up around to rights, why then, sir, I'll make gas directors
see snakes-I will, by the living uncle Sam, sir."
Precisely so, Mr. Edison," I returned, noticing then, for the
first time, that be had a branch of the American Government Patent
Office in his back yard, where two first-class clerks and six juniors
were continually entering specifications for his new inventions as he
made them. "I quite agree with you, sir, but when will you get it
just fixed up around ?-that's what I want to know."
He was a little hurt at this, and to ease his feelings set the crank
revolving of a phonograph, into which a Choctaw Indian with a
bronchial affection had coughed his wheezy war-whoop; but he came
round again enough presently to reply to me in a somewhat sad tone,
"How can I tell you when my light will be fixed up P It doesn't
depend on me one bit. As long as I go on inventing fresh improve-
ments in it I must continue. 1 can't help myself. When I think all
ready I drop my hammer on the burner, or let my chisel slip, and-
heigh presto!-I've invented a fresh improvement that makes the
light just ten times brighter and half as cheap again. That's my
difficulty. I can't finish off square. I can't stop inventing !"
Oh!" said I, speaking with the more care as I found my every
word was being collected by a patent talk-condensing phonograph,
"that is the case, eh, Mr. Edison? You are actually delayed by
your prolific powers of invention P" I.
"That's so," he returned unhesitatingly. Thirty-one new little
machines have I thrown off since I took the light in hand, besides
sixty-three improvements for old ones. I did think I'd got square
this morning though, but just before you dropped in, I happened to
let fall my platinum point and step on it, and an entirely novel way
of subdividing the electric current was immediately apparent. Seven
clerks are busy at the necessary new specifications now But before
they are done I shall have broken a crank, or dropped my pencil into
the cog-wheels, or done something that will make the light yet more
valuable, and then they'll have to begin again."
Ah," said I cheerily, "I'll look in in a few years' time, and see
how the light gets on," and with the same I said, Au revoir."
CREDuLOus FOLK.-The Romans believed that every man had a
MoTTo Fro BImsTOi.-De GrzsT-ibus not est disputandum.
[JAN. 8, 1879.
innocents in search of school-bored companions playing the truant.
First:-" Hi BiLL-THEY BE THEY."
Becond:-" NOA, YER PULE, WHY THEM THEM 'ERE."
THE IRRESPONSIBLE GENERAL.
IF I could-by any strange
Feat of magic-make a change
In my individu-al-it-ee,
I should little need a guide
To assist me to decide
On the personage that I would be !
For, granting that a liberty unruffled by a flaw-
An absolute exemption from the action of the law-
Remunerated irresponsibility-are ease,
The personage alluded to possesses all of these!
For duty is a worrying
And trammelling a man ;
And trying to the will-
A beastly, indigestible,
And men (including women), from the beggar to the king,
Are generally liable to worry from the thing,
But one escapes its bitterness among the human host-
His MIGHTINESS THE GENERAL, THE MASTER OF THE PosT !
If a telegram delay
For a week upon its way
(Though the matter be of life or death),
Any murmur of a shame,"
Or of anyone to blame"
Should be uttered with abated breath.
There's no responsibility if articles of cost
Entrusted to the General, unregistered, be lost,
You certainly can register-indubitably yes!-
And then responsibility, if possible, is less.
For duty is a harassing,
Too rigid and embarrassing,
Or miserably vague;
The fact is unaccountable,
But duty is a tall,
And ladies-ay, and gentlemen-from eadgers to the Queen,
Are liable to duty, which is cowardly and mean;
But ONE escapes the visits of the terrifying ghost-
His HOLxaESS THE GENERAL, THE MASTER OF THE POST !
As a law of any kind
Would be impotent to bind
This luckiest of fortune's pets,
It's comforting to know
That he ever makes a show
Of attending to complaints he gets !
Whenever any agonised (epistolary) cry
Besieges him, his Majesty will certainly reply ;
" The thing shall be attended to 's the burden of his song;
He doesn't mention when, you know. Eternity is long!
For duty is a saddening-
(Considered at its best)-
A miserable, maddening,
My feeling's so emphatical
Regarding it, I know
It makes me ungrammatical,
And scurrilous and low.
But when you mention "Duty to that mightest of Czars,
He thinks you mean the money that you pay upon cigars;
No further understanding of the matter can he boast,
His MAJESTY THE GENERAL, THE MASTER OF THE POST I
THE OLD YEAR .AND THE NEW.
SEVaNTY-EIGHT has hove" his brick,
And Time's old carving-knife
Has duly notch'd th' etarnal stick,-
Sev'n-nine begins his life.
Sev'n-nine begins to count on gains,
Sev'n-eight has wept his loss.
Sev'n-eight is o'er his aches and pains,
Sev'n-nine takes up his cross.
Proof, which has now run over 200 nights at the
Adelphi, is alluded to as "a sterling success." We
think it is more than this : it is a Mr. and fMrs. A.
La Poule aux (E'fs d' Or, at the Alhambra, is pro-
nounced by everybody to be too long, and the manage-
ment is advised to use the pruning-knife. Doubtless
Mr. Morton will secure a sharp blade to do it.
The Gaiety, with its customer liberality, is said to
have been most lavish in the matter of props." Quite
so. Mr. Hollingshead has produced a prop-er panto-
The Grecian has once again maintained its reputation,
Mr. George Conquest's get-up as a porcupine being a
marvel of mechanism. It is odd, rather, that he should
appear as a quill driver when he has sold the theatre to a
A contemporary says: Mr. Tennyson's new drama
is accepted at the Lyceum. 'Tis welt." We think not.
If Mr. Tennyson has a drama accepted there 'tis
Thomas d Becket.
In the Crystal Palace pantomime of Robinson Crusoe,
Mr. John D'Auban, as Friday, is stated to have lent
invaluable aid." We expect this is another way of
saying that he is a Good Friday.
Although the question of Hamlet's sanity may still
be an open one, there is no doubt that Mr. Irving's
audience on the opening night were quite mad-with
The Ophelia of Miss Ellen Terry, though in parts
painfully intense, the clamour for her re-appearance
proved that its intensity was not uncalledfor.
JAw. 8, 1879.] F U N 19
And the British Postal Guide
Is a monument of pride;
As the pith of it, the Public reads,
That his Highness won't admit
He's responsible a bit,
For any of his acts or deeds.
It might be thought a wasting of a salary, to pay
A party not responsible in any mortal way;
The money is as wasted (as a person might declare)
As many of the articles entrusted to his care!
And duty-less humanity,
We generally find,
Has pitiful inanity
As substitute for mind ;
Akin to imbecility
If carried to extremes I
Still, Irresponsibility's a comfortable thing,
Forbidden to the beggar, and forbidden to the King,
But One enjoys its benefits amid the human host-
HIS ALTITUDE THE GENERAL, THE MASTER OF THE POST I
COMING EVENTS IN 1879,
OR A LITTLE LATER.
ANUARY 1. The
Coming Man arrives
in London. 7.- The
British Workman strikes.
10.-Fierce debate in the
penny papers about the
i ^ '7 ~proper term for the Coming
i Man, now he is come.
B ~ 20.-The British Work-
/$ man holds amonstermeet-
ing in support of his
I rights. From this time to
the end of the month the
Coming Man is interviewed
by numbers of eminent
persons, men of letters,
_&c., and begins to get a
little tired of it. 31.-The
i country gets a little tired
of the British Workman.
FaunvY 5. The
.-- ..-. Coming Man wishes he
hadn't-the British Work-
I. man wishes he had-taken
.. anything by his motion,
'- but he hasn't. 15. -
Another controversy rages
in the papers as to whether the 0. M. is the real Coming Man after
all. 25.-The British Workman offers terms, which being rejected
he applies terms, not to be repeated, to everybody in particular, him-
self included. Afterwards applies his boot to his wife s ancles.
MARen 2.-The British Workman, having nothing else to do, strikes
his wife. 10.-In order to place the.publican more effectually under
police surveillance, Colonel Henderson requires photographs of every
licensed victualler, his wife, barmaids, and potboy to be registered at
Scotland-yard. 17. -The Irish Workman strikes-the British
ditto with a quart pot, rather hard. 26.-The Coming Man receives
the freedom of the City.
APnIL 1.-An extraordinary invention is introduced to the world.
It is called the telesomnophone, and is an- apparatus for conveying
sleep by electricity to any distance. The operator at one end lies and
snores into the instrument, and the operate at the other, by putting a
wire to his eyes and ears, can enjoy a refreshing dose of sleep without
going to bed or suspending his ordinary avocations. 18.-Much
wet weather prevails, and the British Workman; accordingly imbibes.
considerable moisture, but doesn't exude any. 21.-Selecting day at
the Royal Academy. The new school of Hart is well represented.
Several artists failing to get hung invest heavily in rope, determined
to do their own hanging 30.-The Coming Man is reported to have
MAY 5.-The galleries at Burlington House being filled with
portraits of professional beauties and the Coming Man, the exhibition
of the Royal Academy is held in a back room in Bond-street. A
portrait of the British Workman is not hung, the explanation given
being that hanging is too good for him. This view fails to strike the
B.W., who is more indignant at the rejection than if he had been
decently strangled. 28.-Continued inclement weather; great public
inclination to Shakerism.
JunE 6.-More returns required to be made by the police about the
publicans on their beat. Every officer is to report what each vittler "
is going to have for dinner, where he got it, whether for cash or
upon credit, what he drinks with it, &c. ; with any particulars that
can be gleaned concerning the state of his liver, digestion ; whether
he takes a pill before dinner and a nap after, &c., &c. 12.-Con-
tinued arrivals of foreign sportsmen and others: Papuan cricketers,
Chinese oarsmen, Arabian bicyclists, &c. 27.-The British Work-
man will not be heard of during this month. Is supposed to be doing
someone somewhere, very much on the quiet.
JULY 3.-More versatility of genius exhibited by an eminent
tragedian. He essays successively the characters of Dick Swiveller,
Falstaff, Julius Caesar, Tini Tappertit, Mazeppa, Bob Acres, Justice
Shallow, Tony Lumpkin, Manfred, and Man Friday; and brings down
the house with each. Is finally cast for the clown in a forthcoming
Christmas pantomime. 17.-More amateur performances at a West-
end theatre, distinguished by its uninterrupted seasons; the chief parts
being undertaken by Cabinet Ministers, past and present. 16.-The
silly season begins-simultaneous appearance of the sea serpent in the
Irish Sea, the English Channel and the German Ocean. 30 -The
British Workman goes to work. 31.-The British Workman strikes.
AUGUST 6.-The pages of a comic contemporary, being by this
time exhausted for dramatic purposes, an eminent burlesque writer
seeks inspiration from this journal. The British Workman is drama-
tised for the Gaiety, to be followed by the Complete Builder, and The
Vegetable Moralist, with real onions, radishes, &c The other British
Workman is much exercised at his presentation on the stage. 11.-
A daily paper is leased for the silly season to a company of merchants,
capitalists, and others, for the purpose of placing their wrongs and
grievances before the public. N0.- There being no work to do the
B. W. expresses his readiness to go to work. Not succeeding i
getting a job he jobs his fist heavily between his wife's eyes.
SEPTEMBER 9.-More police supervision of public houses. An edict
issues from Scotland-yard that no liquor is to be sold in any licensed
house except in the presence of a constable. No person is to enter a
public house without leave of the policeman on the beat. 10.-
This regulation so disgusts the British Workman that he goes to work
in despair. 12.-The B. W. wanting some beer and not being able
to get any strikes again. 15.-Activity upon the railways, also in
sporting circles; heavy betting on autumn events. Long odds laid
against The Excursionist. 18.-Nothing particular happens till
about the 29th. Nothing remarkable happens then.
OcrOBER 4.-Activity in literary circles, and upon the serial press.
English authors at a discount; foreign dukes and princes as novelists
at a premium. A cheap monthly announces contributions by the
Emperor of China, the King of Fiji, the Ameer of Cabul, and various
African and South American Chiefs. 14.-The British Workman
solicits contributions from the charitable, but doesn't get any. 21.-
The Coming Man continues to get tired of it. 24.-Great monetary
panics, several respectable gentlemen wholly suspend payment, but as
they never paid anything particular, it doesn't much matter. 31.-
Some more bridges are freed, whereat several parties jump for joy-
into the Thames.
NoVENMBE 3.-Agricultural Hall sports commence. Novel feats of
endurance. The British Workman undertakes to execute a job in the
longest possible time, and consume unlimited liquor. 8.-By this
date the B. W. succeeds in emptying six barrels of porter, in mount-
ing six rounds of a ladder, laying one brick and a half, and in
heaving the other half-brick at the heads of the judges, which brings
the meeting to a conclusion. 26.-Colonel Henderson is down again
upon the publicans. No intoxicants are henceforth to be served
without telegraphing to Scotland-yard full particulars of the appli-
cant, and permission is wired for him to be supplied.
DECEMBER 1.-The British Workman goes to work again without
any provocation. 5 -The Coming Man gets still more tired of it.
8 -The British Workman is locked out. 24 -A good many
gentlemen, and several British Workmen are locked up. 26.-The
Coming Man thinks of turning it up. 27.-The British Workman
is taken on again. 29.-The Licensed Victualler is finally put
down by the police, and hunted out into the country as a wild animal.
30.-The Coming Man doesn't think about it any more, but turns it
up and bolts. 31.-The British Workman strikes again. (Left
A Shere Possibility.
IT has been said by the alarmist papers that the Ameer of Cabul,
having fled from his country, is not in a position to make peace with
us. Precisely. But if Shere Ali can't, surely his "ill-starred and
wretched son" Yakoob Khan!
BILL STICaKRs BEWARE !-Putting up bills is called in the City
20 FUN, 1879.
A DOUBTFUL "FELL-ER."
Small Boy -"O, PLEASE, SIR, YOUR 'ORSE HAS BEEN AND PALLED DOWN."
Irate Carman:-" YER LIE, TER YOUNG WARMING I I BELIEVE YR"'VE BEEN AND SHOVED HIM DOWN!"
THE THEATRE S. piece is followed by Tita in Thibet, a comic opera, in which Miss
Santley sustains the principal character with her usual vivacity, and
LYCEUM. is well supported by C. Groves, F. Leslie, and the other members of
THE reproduction of Himlet by Mr. Irving will stand as one of the the company. Altogether there is a capital evening's entertainment
landmarks in the history of the drama. Never was a play more at this pretty little theatre.
perfectly put on the stage ; never were such efforts of skill, taste, and p
ability more fully appreciated than on the opening night by a Now Ready, the Thirty-ffth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
crowded audience, which was composed of representative people of
every branch of the refined arts. To attempt anything like a critics TWENTY-EIGHTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
of the piece is quite beyond the space at our command; but whether Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases, for binding is. 6d. each.
we think of the grand dramatic power of Mr. Irving, displayed as it is Also Reading Cases, 1s. 6d. each.
here in the most scholarly fashion ; or of the tender, loving, and BVow Ready, demy 4to. boards, Two Shillings and Sixpene,
refined delineation of Ophelia, by Miss Ellen Terry; or of the general
goodness of the acting throughout, of the exquisite dressing of the T H E B R I T I S H W O R K I N G M AN :
piece, of the beautiful scenery-we feel that all is pervaded or governed BY ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.
by an exquisitely refined taste that at once pronounces Mr. Irving not And other Sketches by J Sullivan. engravedd by .Dalziel Brothers.
only a great actor but a man of high culture, and one whose taste is in The Designs of MR. SULLIVAN appear from week to week in the pages of
the most advanced direction. All lovers of true dramatic art must "FUN." In compliance with numerous requests, first installment, in a
be glad to see the compl-te success of this enterprise. collected form, is now produced under the title of The British
ROYALTY. Working Man," which will be followed by second collection-" The
Miss Kate Santley begins the season with a new comedy by Palgrave British Tradesman, and Other Sketches."
Simpson, Little Cinderella. The plot of the old story is made to fit to Now .eady, .rie One Shilling,
19th century incidents. The Cinderella of the piece, named Lottie, is Nato Reay, Prie One chilling,
admirably played by Miss Santley ; the next most interesting character HOOD S COMIC AN NUAL FOR 1 8 7 9.
is Old Foxglove, the gardener. Of course Lottie gains the hand of the CELEBRATED AUTHORS. EMINENT ARTISTS.
modern Prince, to the discomfiture of her ill-natured sisters. The Thirty pages of Engravings by the Brothers Dalsiel.
S rWhet i- CADBURY'S
S... e..-.. .. .. .. ...c OC C D CA ESSEN C'S New Eitere r
od4 r Ochm d..,o | |. d d series of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt--the
kaske. and aj. WWnl. point being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
`d ni-rn Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Bample Box and
PURE-SOLUBLE-REFBESHING. select the pattern best united to your hand.
SCAUTION.-if ~ CeM ihal5m i- te ep it ,rov n t. iddities ofstar WORKS, BIRMINGHAM.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, January ", 1879.
JAN. 15, 1879.1
N,- -1k 4 0,,,
TOP THAT IF YOU CAN.
Tom:-" MY FATHER'S s0 TALL HE CAN 1OOK OVER THE GARDEN WALL." Tack:-" So CAN MY FATHER-WITH HIS HAT ON."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON THE ICE.
I AM quite aware, sir, that I tread on very slippery ground* in
taking this subject; but still it is such an ice one that I venture at any
risk to go through it-the subject, I mean, and not the ice, of course
-to the best of my powers.
I have always been more or less accustomed to ice since the days
when I was tempted to pay surreptitious visits to the jam closet, and
my mother used to call out in a voice that chilled my very blood,
"Ice see you, you naughty boy 1" But it was not until some years
later that I put on my first pair of skates, given me, as I proudly re-
member, for my diligence in my studies-so much the fruit of industry,
indeed, that had I been in my youth the wag I have now grown to be,
I should have certainly called them a pear of skates."
I took to skating with great zest from the beginning, and, being a
"strapping boy at the time, found no difficulty in strapping on my
skates. In fact I cut a figure on the ice the very first time I went on
it-not a figure of eight, but a much more laughable figure than that,
judging by the behaviour of the spectators. I also cut my head open
and my left cheek, which was enough, I think, for a beginner.
When I became more proficient I used to have my lunch on the ice,
taking out a little pat of butter, which I eat with my Datch roll with
much relish, even after I had taken the "outside edge" off my
It was whilst skating that I made the acquaintance of, I think, the
meanest man this world ever knew. One day he fell through the ice
into the water, and was gallantly rescued by a Royal Humane Society's
man with the drag kept there for the purpose. Well, you will scarcely
credit it, sir, but that very night the rescued man, having noticed
where they put the drag they had saved his life with, came after dark,
carried it off, and sold it for old iron.
Snow, I need scarcely tell you, spoils good ice. It's "snow" use
anywhere, but on ice it's worse than useless: I would sooner fall
myself, in fact, on a piece of nice ice than snow should, because I
could, probably, get up again, but the snow couldn't.
My advice, however, to skaters who find their ice covered with
*Do they call it slippery because list "slippers" are the only things in
which you can safely walk upon it, I wonder?-Y. E.-S. R.
snow, is to meet the state of affairs by a common sporting resource,
and get up a sweep on the ice there and then.
Apropos to ice, you have doubtless heard of the "ice harvest," gar-
nered every winter by our great ice merchants. It is not generally
known, though, that the ice is harvested with "ice-sickles (This
is a copyright remark.)
Skating in London, sir, is carried on under considerable difficulties,
so many of the inhabitants being accustomed to the ice. Juvenile
cockneys venture on their penny ice at a very tender age, whilst
Neapolitan ices find as many adult devotees in the hot season as the
Egyptian Isis used to in past ages.
The surface of London ice is not all that could be desired, as a rule,
and the fact that the London rough is always on it by no means
increases its smoothness. A sledge is very rarely seen on the ice of
the metropolis, but the ice of the metropolis is frequently seen on a
truck or barrow.
I have skated against an express train in my youth, but found the
jar so severe that I do not wish to repeat the experiment. No one
should attempt it who has not had an express training for the purpose.
I have also danced a quadrille on the ice in my time-it was in my
dinner-time, to be quite exact-and though it was the first sst I took
part in, we called it the Lancers, we were so many of us cut about by
But I have been on the ice long enough for the present, if, indeed,
this is a present, seeing how lavishly, sir, you pay me for every line
of it. _______
By the same Toke"-en.
THE -Echo states that "the provisions of the new Prisons Act were
rather strongly condemned at a special Court of City Aldermen."
Surely this is a mistake. The provisions given to prisoners were
not altered by Mr. Cross's measure; and even if they were the alder-
men would scarcely take the trouble to strongly condemn arrangements
they knew to be only provisional" in their character.
TELEGRAM FROM BRITANNIA TO HER SUCCESSFUL GEhERAL.-Roberts,
toi que j'aime!
I i- ..r-"r.v I
Well-it's their affair !
Mercy on us I Did you ever!
Only fancy There!
H, my gracious Did you
Well I do declare !
Mercy on us I Well I
Only fancy There!
Who'd have in that quar-
ter sought it!
But you never know.
Deary me, who would
have thought it!
Well-I told you so !
Often on that head-
This I have anticipated,
As I've always said;
If you yield to retrospec-
I have, you'll agree,
Oft, within your recollec-
Said how it would be.
Did I make a mild sugges-
That there was a plot ?
Let me also put this ques-
Was I right or not P
Oh, my goodness Well
I never !
A FAIRY TALE FOR GaOWN-UP CHILDREN.
THERE was a sound of revelry by night. There had been incessant
coming and going in the house all day long. Church bells had been
rung, carriages had rolled to and fro, guests had arrived by the score,
toasts had been given, health had been drunk, and the only daughter
of the house, still a mere child, with her bright, happy, innocent face.
had left for the continent with her husband of a few hours. It had
been a j.,yous wedding party, and many chosen friends had remained
- after the happy couple had taken their departure, and there had been
more eating and drinking, more speechmaking, and then music and
dancing, and singing, fainter and fainter as the hours waxed late, till,
when at last the clock in the old church tower whence the bells had
peeled so merrily in the morning, boomed the hour of midnight, the
house was quiet, silent, and hushed in repose.
Scarcely had the reverberation of the last stroke died away when
from a dark deserted room, which had once been the nursery, and in one
corner of which still stood a large doll a house, came a gentle rustling
and sighing like a gentle breeze in an avenue of poplars. At the same
moment a faint ray of moonlight shone in and rested on some half-
dozen dolls, lying, doll fashion, higgeldy-piggeldy in every conceivable
attitude of grotesque distortion, thrown evidently anywhere to be out
of the way.
The top one was a gentleman doll, and, judging by his dress, of the
nautical profession. As the moonlight fell upon his placid and rather
expressionless face he yawned twice and stretched himself; then
slowly rising to his feet he looked about him. A querulous voice
from the ground requesting assistance called forth his sailor gallantry,
and with much effusion he offered his hand to a large beautifully
dressed lady doll of the wax persuasion, and helped her to assume a
sitting position. A like as-istance he proffered to two other bewitch-
ing representatives of the fair sex of dolldom, who sprang lightly to
their feet and shook out their skirts and smoothed down their hair,
simpering sweetly and smiling coquettishly at the gay young sailor
Two others lay on the floor, but nobody took any notice of them.
One was a wrinkled ugly old thing, a regular fish-fag of a doll.
How she could have got into such society no one know-she posi-
tively had a distortable gutta-percha face But if she was bad, what
could be said of her companion?-a Dutch doll, a common wooden
Dutch doll, with one leg missing, an eye wanting, all her hair scraped
off, and only one dirty ragged old garment to cover what remained of
her. This last tried to raise herself, but her one leg gave a mourn-
ful creak, and her arm, weak in its socket, doubled flabbily back, and
she sank down unheeded on the floor.
[JAN. 15, 1879.
[JA r. 15, 1879.
"Very sad-very sad indeed," said the sailor doll, "you know we
have lost our poor young mistress ?"
Shocking," said the wax lady, "people shouldn't be allowed to
There's no knowing what may happen to any of us."
"That's what I said," chimed in one of the coquettes, "when I
lost quite a thimbleful of sawdust from my left leg."
People shouldn't have sawdust legs," said the beauty.
"I don't know what other legs they can have for three and six-
pence" said the second flirty one, playing with her silken ringlets.
The leading doll sniffed disdainfully and tried to tos. her head, but
her neck was not pliable, and only jerked, whereat the gutta-percha
old woman chuckled vehemently.
"I cost five guineas," said she, and I wonder what will become of
me now. I must say Miss Cora did not treat me with as much respect
as she might, considering my price, and never even asked me to the
"Oh!" sighed the first coquette, "I don't think my young
mistress ever properly appreciated me."
Perhaps," chimed in the second, it will be an advantage to us
all; instead of being cooped up here maybe we shall now go forth and
see the world."
Ladies," said the sailor, doll flesh is but sawdust or composition
-let us gracefully resign ourselves to the inevitable, and hope for the
A succession of agonising creaks interrupted their conversation and
directed their attention to the poor dilapidated Dutch doll, who,
incapable of rising, was rolling over and over on the floor sobbing
I was herfirst," sobbed the Dutchdoll, convulsively; "she nursed
and petted, and kissed me before any of you came out of your shops.
She scraped off my hair in fun, she poked out my eye in jest, she
pulled off my leg in wantonness, and yet I am the only one to cry at
the separation. She is lost to me for ever, and I shall never see her
dear face again. Oh me! there is nothing for me now but the dust
Very true, my dear," said old gutta-percha face, breaking silence
for the first time; "very true, and though you are only a doll, I
believe there are some real live women in the world who feel as you
The moonbeam faded from the room and the dolls fell backard in
more or less disjointed attitudes, and the house was once more left
ON such a foggy frosty day-
In such a sombre mood-
I would not, if I could, be gay;
But love to sit and brood.
Some silly souls no doubt there are
Who might suppose me mad,
Because I thank my lucky star
I feel so jolly sad.
Across my dark and squalid room
I pace with sullen stride ;
I would not banish hence my gloom-
And could not, if I tried.
Sweet Melancholy owns a bliss
That Gladness never had ;
My dearest ear bly joy is this-
To feel so jolly sad.
MR. GLADSTONE AGAIN!
TELEGRAMS from India report that the Khyber Pass is as much
closed now as it was a month ago to all but strongly-es orted convoys;
that the military and political elements at the field head-quarters are
strained to their utmost tension, and that the two divisions in-
dependently commanded are slowly producing chaos; that through
fever, exposure, and want of clothing one of the finest native regiments
-the 14th Sikhs-has been withdrawn, half of the men having to be
carried, not being able to walk. And all this is the consequence of
Mr. Gladstone's Government five years ago.
BEFORE leaving Dublin, General Grant presented the Lord Mayor
with a portrait of himself (the General) drawn in crayons by an
American artist named Hartshorn. It was, need we add, a very
A spirsted'' likeness.
A SPARBExa OF PoRx.-A thin Mrs. Hogg.
JAN. 15, 1879.] U N -. 23
BEING A WoRn OF COUNSEL TO MEDICAL GENTLEMEN AND THEIR
THIS atom of warning to people who plan
To visit a qualified medical man:-
For such a polite recreation
No bodily ailing, of any degree
Of deadly severity, ever can be
An adequate qualification:
Deep study of technical polish, in which
Professional etiquette's ever so rich,
Is a task that you cannot dispense with;
For Etiquette, tangled with many a string
Of Ramification, is known as a thing
The Talent conclude and commence with.
A medical man may be mighty of brain,
And people around him will never complain;
But of all the acquirements for which he should thirst
Unfailing Professional Etiquette's first.
Supposing you're one of the people who will
Be taken severely and suddenly ill,
Select a befitting occasion ;
I've heard about people so little polite
As to find 'emselves suddenly ill in the night,
Involving a shameful invasion
And breach of' the Qualified Medical rest-
A barely considerate act at the best,
And one to be quickly abolished;
Now etiquette-studying invalids strive
To have their attacks from eleven to five-
A method more graceful and polished!
An Invalid-well-if he likes to be ill,
It's-yes, it's a tribute to medical skill ;
It's-well, it's a laudable act on the whole-
But BEtisette, mind, is the invalid's rHle.
Suppose that a gentleman, having received
Some injury, needs to be promptly relieved,
And is borne to a hospital duly;
The medical officer practising there
Should make it his first and particular care
To aim at discovering truly
If ever the suffering party has paid
Another professional man for his aid,
Before he attends to his needing ;
For to hazard the danger of taking the fee
Of the other practitioner truly would be
A breach of professional breeding,!
Though promptness of action undoubtedly might-
In certain exceptional cases-be right,
Still promptness of action should never have play
When it stands in Professional Etiquette's way.
One little additional caution I'll add
To people disposed to be suddenly bad"
At grossly unsuitable seasons,-
Don't hastily worry our medical friend,
But wait till the symptoms undoubtedly lend
The gravest and fullest of reasons ;
Consider bow fearful a thing it must be
For a Qualified Gentleman, taking his tea,-
Consider how frightfully trying-
To have to be placing his hat on his head
T6 attend on a party who-let alone dead-
Can hardly be said to be dying !
Your Invalid Fellow may give himself airs,
But Medical Etiquette plainly declares
That a doctor should never be called from his bed
Till the sufferer's nicely and properly dead.
A "Rabbit" Advance.
GENERAL ROBERTS has arrived at Bukk," said a recent telegram.
Then we suppose he will avail himself of his presence at "Bukk" to
" doe something, especially as he is presumably in the land of the
WE note that a school of design for women in connection with the
Academy of Arts is about to be opened in Florence. Without wishing
to be rude to the fair sex, we trust the idea will not be copied in
England, for we think there are already too many designing women.
THE BEST TABLE FOR DINING OFFi-A dietary table.
Mistress :-"I think you will suit me very well, but I wish to know
if you have a follower "
Maid:-" No, mum, I 'evn't at present, but I really can't say as to
how soon I shall 'ev one."
STAGE STUDIES FROM THE LIFE.
Miss ELLEN TERRY, previous to her appearance in Hamlet as
Ophelia, went down to Banstead Lunatic Asylum to study from the
life the demeanour of insane women, in order to get hints, if possible,
for points in her mad scene.
This example of conscientious painstaking has already had its effect
on the members of the theatrical profession generally, and we under-
stand that the following, amongst other., interviews have been
Mr. George Grossmith, jun., having disguised himself as a Civil
Service writer, has sought employment at the Admiralty, and passes
all his spare hours in that building taking notes of the demeanour and
habits of the Right Hon. W. H. Smith, the First Lord, the result of
which will doubtless be noticed by those who now see H.M.S.
Misses Ernstone and Marion Terry lost no time in procuring an
order for inspecting the well-known orphan asylum at Slough, where,
by a lucky chance, two sisters, one of whom was blind, were produced
by the matron and shut up with the actresses we have named the whole
of the afternoon. Most valuable hints were gained, we believe, by
the above ladies for their parts in the Two Orphans.
The whole of the unmarried portion of the Strand company has been
sent by Mrs Swanborough to spend the day at a large East-end creche,
where both actors and actresses gained much fresh experience that will
no doubt assist in making the Strand Baby run well, although so very
Messrs. Royce and Terry, having disguised themselves in barrel-
organs, have ventured to take apartments on Saffron-hill, where they
are busily engaged in studying from the life fresh points for their parts
of the Italian brigands in Fra Diavalo.
By hind permission of Lieut.-Col. Sir E. W. Henderson the whole
of-the Princess's company has been accommodated during the past week
with apartments at Pentonville Model Prison, where the treadmills,
the cranks, the skilly, and, in short, all the appliances of the estab-
lishment, have been placed at their disposal. It's -Never too La.e to
Mend should now go with more force than ever.
Mr. Mead, who so ably sustains the part of Hamlet's father's ghost
at the Lyceum, has arranged, it is said, with the well-known Mr.
Pepper, and Mr. Maskelyne, of the Egyptian Hall, for a series of
interviews with any "perturbed spirits" he may wish to see and
The First Gravedigger may be seen any fine morning on the top of
a Fulham 'bus en soute for Brompton Cemetery, where the sextons
may always be studied at their work.
The above examples will suffice to show what a useful precedent
Miss Ellen Terry has established.
A DAILY contemporary accounts for the failure of Messrs. Tweedy
Williams from the fact that the mines of Cornwall have of late been
worked out. This seems a most natural solution, though the Cornibh
Bank is. not the only one that has failed lately from scarcity of tin."
24 (F N [JAn. 15, 1879.
ECCENTRICITIES OF THE ELECTRIC CURRENT!
Having a suspicion that the electric current is-whether owing to meteorological influences or to Irresponsibility "-no longer so reliable as it was once supposed
to be, Jones, an eminent member of the Public, made an interesting experiment the other day with a view to throwing light on the subject:-
Having arranged that his father should be in immediate need of medical help, Jones commenced the interesting experiment by attempting to send a telegram
from the nearest post-office to the Physician. We give result (f experiment:-
,I,, .. .INLAND
I ~ ,\ TELEGR\S
Slight diversion of the electric current for a time, to begin with;
j 1_J j -
Singular interruption of the current for a few hours, further on. Meanwhile Jones's
old relative expired. However, "The Department is not liable for losses incurred
through the incorrect transmission, delay, or non-delivery of telegrams." (!)
Allegorical Design representing the utility of Post-office telegrams under the IRRESPONSIBLE SYSTEM.
FTJI .-JAN. 15, 1879.
IN A HOLE.-THE MAN WHO TRIED TO CUT A FIGURE.
His Friend:-" MOST UNFORTUNATE AFFAIR. I'M SORRY, MY DEAR AMEER, THAT I'VE OTHER ENGAGEMENTS,
AND AM UNABLE TO ASSIST YOU. TA-TA!"
JAN. 15, 1879.] 1`0UN .27
A WIFE'S SECRET.
OSA FAIRFIELD was cer-
L jt tainly a very pretty girl,
7j and everybody said she was
throwing herself away when
she married Harry Shrubbing-
T ,r ton, "Handsome Hal," as they
used to call him; and I much
question whether a handsomer
I fellow and a prettier girl ever
SI left a church on their bridal
Li, morning than Harry and Rosa
I on that sunny day when they
I were married. I must tell my readers
that Harry had but very scanty means,
yet with a sort of blind faith that
"something good would turn up," he
married Rosa Fairfield and started off
to London to seek his fortune.
For the first few weeks after their
arrival in this mighty city they were
just as happy and free from all the
cares of life as any two people in the
world could possibly be. They lived
N' at a good hotel, and drove about to
all the various places of interest; at
night they went to a concert or
theatre as the case might be, always
SI evening dress, and in the stalls of
I I I I course. But having been called upon
about that time to pay their hotel bill,
and that mysterious "something,"
which they so confidently expected, not turning up quite so readily
as Harry had anticipated, Rosa resolved that it would be more prudent
to' go into apartments.
They did not now go every night to the theatre, and when they
went, It is so much more comfortable, you know, to run into the
pit, just as we are," and to walk both there and back infinitely
better than being jolted to pieces in those horrid cabs."
Time wore on, and their purse grew light, very light, and still that
" something" did not turn up, so that ways and means became almost
their one topic of conversation; yet however dark the prospect, as
however great their immediate difficulties, Harry always wound up by
patting his wife on the shoulder or giving her a kiss, and saying in the
most cheerful tones imaginable, Well, we must hope for the best, my
little wife, we must hope on; it's a long lane that has no turning;
and take my word for it, something good is sure to turn up one of
these days, and perhaps from a quarter where we might least expect
it." Occasionally he would add, "And I am sure it ought to be
something very first-rate after all this patient waiting on our part."
Week after week, till several months went by, and Harry and
Rosa were in very great straits for money. Nearly all their little
valuables had passed for a time out of their own immediate possession ;
neither of them carried a watch now, with so many clocks about, a
watch has become quite a superfluous appendage ;" and Harry had long
ago formed a decided opinion that it was altogether a snobbish thing
for a gentleman to wear a ring. Their landlady, too, made frequent
and urgent appeals for the settlement of her little bill.
And now the morning came when their financial affairs appeared to
have touched zero, for their landlady came into the room during
breakfast, and intimated that unless Mr. Shrubbington could let her
have some money, they must quit the apartments that day.
I am sure, mem, and you, too, sir," said the good woman, as she
stood twisting her apron, and the moisture glistened in her eyes, "I
am sure, mem, it almost breaks my heart to have to tell you this ; for I
will say that quieter people or a more perfect lady and gentleman no
person never could have in their house. But you see, sir, I am a poor
widow woman, and I have my children to feed and to send to school,
and I must pay my rent, or the landlord will turn me out of the
house, and what I should do then goodness only knows, for the only
means I have of living is by letting these lodgings."
Rosa now looked up with a pale glimmer of confidence in her sweet
eyes-I must here remind the reader that Rosa Shrubbington was a
VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN- she now said, with more confidence in her
tone than usual, Mrs. Cleaner, I will take care that you shall have
at least a portion of your account this afternoon."
Mrs. Cleaner murmured something about former promises; but at
last it was arranged that they should remain for one more night;
then, unless money was forthcoming, they must go.
When this good woman had taken her departure, Harry sat for
several minutes with a dazed, vacant look ; at last he jumped up,
saying, Well, my wife, you certainly are the most cheerful little
bird under difficulties it has been my fortune to come across. Here,
without a shilling, and I may say almost without a single article upon
which wecan raise a shilling, you with the utmost confidence picmihe
this poor woman her money to-day; and, my little bird," he said,
taking his wife's face tenderly between his two hands, and looking
wistfully into her eyes, my little bird, where on eaith is it to come
All right, darling You know it does not do to be entirely cast
down. We must hope for the best, and something m (y turn up.
Indeed, I feel certain that before the day is over something wmll turn
up to our advantage."
Harry heaved a deep sigh, and turned away to look out of the
Rosa busied herself about some small household matters; they were
few and soon arranged; she then quietly put on her bonnet and
cloak, and going up to where Harry stood, put her arm round his
neck, and kissed him, saying, in a cheerful voice, Good-bye, dear,
I shall not be gone long," and left the house.
That evenir g the landlady was paid, not all that the Shrubbingtons
owed her, yet a sum sufficiently large that she consented, with many
smiles and thanks, that they might continue to 'occupy her
On a bright, sunny day in spring, Harry Shrubbingtcn and his wife
were lazily loitering down Regent-street, when he, after a long silence,
said, Rosa, I know you are a good, loving wife to me! "
She prebsed her little hands caressingly upon his arm, and looked
up into his eyes. "And there is nothing in the world, I am sure,"
he went on to say, "that you would not do for me ?"
Nothing, indeed, darling," she rather murmured than spoke.
"And yet I am filled with the most restless anxiety and foreboding
of ill. I cannot sleep at night. My days are a burden to me, and
altogether my life has become so insupportably painful that I often
wish myself in my grave."
Harry my darling Harry, what are you saying F What is the
matter? Pray tell me? Can I do anything to help you, or am I in
any way the cause of this ? "
Well, to be plain with you, Rosa, yes, you are the cause."
Why, Harry, what on earth have I done to make your life so
miserable P Pray do explain, and tell me how it is that I am such a
nightmare to your happiness ?"
Well, my little wife, I can very soon do that;" and yet he
blundered a good deal before he got it out; at last with a burst he said,
"Look you here, Rosa; on several occasions lately you have gone
out alone, and when I have offered to accompany you, you declined
my society. Now, Rosa, where do you go? Answer me that! And
then about the money you have always at command-that For-
tunatus's purse which you possess? You pay Mrs Cleaner her bill;
you have got many of our little things back. What does all this
mean, little wife P For goodness' sake, Rosa, what does it all mean ? "
Well, dear, it's all honestly come by, and easily explained. But
surely you do not doubt me ? You are not jealous, or--"
"Jealous!" cried Harry, interrupting her "jealous." "Oh, no,
by Jingo, certainly not jealous; I have rather too good an opinion of
myself, my little wife; not jealous certainly, whatever else I may be."
Well, Harry, it can all be easily explained, and I would have
told you at first, only, thinking you might not like it, I did not
want to worry you. But you are put out just now, let us lcok in at
this shop-window for a few minutes."
Oh, hang it," said Harry, "who cares about a shop-window at
such a moment at this?"
"Well, but, darling, just look for a moment at all those photo-
graphs. What a lot of pretty faces. I know you like to look at
pretty faces;-at least," she added, after a short pause, "you have
told me so a great many times."
Harry was but human, so he did as his wife desired him. He let his
eyes wander carelessly over the vast variety of pretty faces. At last,
fixing his steady gaze on one-" How strange! How remarkably
like it is to be sure! Why, Rosa, here is a portrait of yourself, and,
by Jingo, your name upon it too, 'Rosa Shrubbington.' Why,
there's another,-there's a whole lot of them, every possible view of
your face. How on earth have they got them ? And how dare they
exhibit your head in a public shop-window without permissionP I
shall see about this," and he made a sudden turn to enter the shop
when Rosa's little hand gently held him back, and with a timid blush,
which only added to the beauty of her sweet face.
Why, you great stupid boy, don't you see that this is your silly
little wife's Fortunalus's purse?"
"By Jove !" cried Harry, drawing a long breath, "I always said
when something' did turn up it would be in an altogether un-
expected quarter. But this? Well !-This is a corker."
That evening Harry Shrubbington suggested they should have a
bottle of champagne for supper,-" Just to celebrate this unexpected
piece of great good luck, you know."
[JAN. 15, 1879.
First Youth:-" OLD FLOGGAM'S BEGINNiNG THE NEW YEAR WELL. ID
YOU NOTICE THE NEW CANE ? "
Second Youth :-" RATHER-IN FACT, I WAS VERY MUCH STRUCK WITH IT."
M3ETHINKS 'twas in a crowd we met,
My early love and I;
But how it happened I forget-
And where, and when, and why.
She may have worn a rosy wreath
Upon a snowy brow;
But what the face was like beneath
I don't remember now.
We nimbly threaded, hand in hand,
The mazes of the dance ;-
Amidst the pauses of the band
We sought each other's glance.
But what the music may have been,
On that ecstatic night-
And what our looks could ever mean
I've now forgotten quite,
What rare felicity was mine
To press her finger-tips,
And wait for ev'ry lisp divine
From those bewitching lips!
She said the room was rather warm-
Or words to that effect;-
But made the statement in a form
I scarcely recollect.
Her mother-or her aunt-was there ;-
(At leaat, I fancy so).
But whether dark or whether fair
I don't precisely know.
She spoke to me, I've not a doubt,
In quite a friendly way:
But what her talk was all about
I can't exactly say.
Oh, if there be on earth a joy,
All other joys above,
'Tis when a little curly boy
Conceives an early love.
True passion rarely is the lot
Of mortals, I suppose;
And whether mine was true or not.
Good gracious only knows !
ELEGANT BETERAGE.-Spruce beer.
"THE POLITICAL ELEMENT."
PLACE :-A Neutral Territory through which the .B itish troops are
making their way to a hostile country. GENERAL and his STAFF
THE GENERAL. Yes, our fellows will be dying from sunstroke here,
unless I have pith helmets served out to them. So we'll issue the
order at once-
Enter the POLITICAL OFFICER.
POLITICAL OFFICER. Eh-" pith helmets ? The fact is, I've been
thinking the friendly natives here might be enraged by our appearing
to dislike the heat of their climate. Wouldn't it be better, for Political
Reasons, to ingratiate ourselves with them by wearing no head-
covering at all-little compliment-
THE GENERAL. Well-but-hundreds of our troops will die of sun-
stroke an -t
THE POL. OFFICER. Yes, perhaps so; but Political Reasons, you
(The Political Reasons prevail, the march is continued without helmets,
and hundreds of soldiers die of sunstroke. An interval.)
THE GENERAL (to his staff I think, now we've got into the cold
parts, that it might be as well to send to the rear for the overcoats, to
prevent our fellows being frozen to death. Just order-
Enter the POL. OFFICER.
PoL. OFFICER. Overcoats for the troops"? Wouldn't it be better
to appease the friendly natives here by feigning to like the cold of
their climate. They might resent our wanting overcoats, eh? I
should suggest that our men might go about in their shirts and
THE GENERAL. But, hang it all, thousands of 'em will be frozen to
THE POL. OFFICER. Oh, yes-I daresay; but Political Reasons--
(Political Reasons triumph; the troops go about in their shirts and
trousers, and thousands of them are frozen to death. An interval.)
THE GENERAL (as before). We must certainly put a stop to the
tricks of these friendly natives. After our last victory they looted
all the stores left by the enemy, which our troops ought to have had.
Be kind enough to issue an order-
Enter the POLITICAL INCUBUS.
POL. INCUBUS. Here, I say, must allow the friendly natives some
license, don't you see; let 'em loot-Political Reason.
(The natives loot the rest of the stores left by the enemy. An interval.)
THE GENERAL (in a rage). I mean just to choke off this sort of
thing-these friendliess" have taken to looting our stores now!
Order out a company or two with a dozen rounds-
The POLITICAL INCUBUS bursts in.
PoL. INCUBUS. Good gracious! We mustn't check the "friend-
lies" in this way. Let 'em take our stores if they like.
THE GENERAL. But what are our men to eat ? They'll starve!
:JAN. 16, 187 9.],
POL. INCUBUS. Yes; we can't help that there are Political
(Political Reasons prevail. All the provisions are looted. Starvation
sets in among the British troops.)
THE GENERAL. What is to be done ? After that last decisive
victory of ours we might have marched straight on and finished the-
war brilliantly; but our troops can't march because of starvation !
,:And why, confound it all! here's information that a host of
'" friendlies are coming to attack our camp, kill all our troops while
they're asleep, and carry off all the baggage. Look sharp, and throw
out pickets and reconnoitering parties to warn us--
The POLITICAL INCUBUS rushes in.
POL. INCUBUS. No Stop! We mustn't offend the natives by
appearing to suspect them. Do not on any account set any watch.
SShow complete confidence; go to sleep.
THE GENERAL. Well, but we shall all be massac-
POL. INCUBUS. We may-oh, yes-but Political Reasons.
(Political Reasons once more triumphant. The Friendlzes" descend
upon the camp at night, and commence to exterminate the British troops.)
*- THE GENERAL (waking up). By Jove! Here's a friendly fellow
going to cut my throat-where's my revolv-
POL. INCUBUs (bursting in). Good Heavens! Don't attempt re-
sistance on any account. It might offend the natives.
.i THE GENERAL. Why, but, look here He's cutting off my head,
he's got it half off already !
: POL. INcuBus. Never mind; don't resist; there are strong
Political Reasons for -
(Annihilation of British Army, and 'Grand Triumph :of Political
Reasons and of the enemies of Great Britain.)
CANDIDATES FOR TRIAL.
(A VERY PREVALENT MANIA JUST Now.)
A CONSTABLE rushingg excitedly into his police-station) (to INSPEC-
TOR). Please, sir, there's a rumour of another murder just committed
-shall I shut the doors ?
INSPECTOR. Yes-look sharp! I think I can hear a crowd hurrying
this way already! There's another bolt to do-be quick with the
desks! There's no time to call in the poor fellows on duty.
(The Constables, in a state of alarm, secure all the doors and windows,
and pile up heavy movables against them.)
(Scene changes to the street. A CONSTABLE on duty is trying to avoid
a MEMBER OF THE PUBLIC who approaches him. He slips into a door-
THE MEMBER OF PUBLIC. Here, policeman--
(The CONSTABLE darts down a court; the M. OF P. follows and corners
M. or P. I say-policeman; I want to give--
CONSTABLE (hurriedly). Oh, yes-I know-all right-but we've got
the right murd-
M. or P. Oh, but he's an impostor-he is really! I've got proofs
that I'm the real--
CONSTABLE. No; it's no use, I tell yer The real 'un's locked up
-tried-hanged-all sorts of things. Do go away 1
M. or P. Well- but look here! I'm an accomplice, at any rate-
come! (Slips a sovereign into constable's hand.)
CONSTABLE. No-I can't do it-it's no use--
M. OF P. (wheedlingly). Well-I incited him to do it-eh? (Slips
in another sovereign.)
CONSTABLE. No! I tell you it won't do-it-oh dear! here come a
lot more of 'em!
A COown (suddenly appearing round the corner). Hullo-here's a
constable. We say! Constable, we want to give ourselves up- .
(CONSTABLE escapes over a wall; the CROWD, increasing as it goes, surges
on to the police-station and hammers at the doors. An interval. The
scene changes to a prison. Enter, to Gaoler, a MEMBER OF THE PUBLIC.)
M. or P. Gaoler, I want to see the condemned murderer. I'm a
relative of his. (Gaoler conducts him to the condemned one, and wait'
3M. OF P. (to CONDEMNED MURDERER, producing bag of gold). There
-you shall have this if you swop clothes with me. I've made up my
face as near your's as I could. Will yer ?
CONDEMNED MURDERER. See any green? Not if I know it. I
don't throw away a good chance when I've got it. I'm the real mur-
derer, I am l
M. OF P. Well-see-I'll double the sum. Will you now ?
(The ajfer is refused with scorn, and the MEMBER OF PUBLIC leaves the
prison bitterly disappointed.)
M. OF P. (brightening up). I know! I will be looked up anyway,
if I can't be hanged. I'll go and get properly made up like the
prisoner, clothes and all; and then loiter about outside the prison as if
I'd just escaped. (With a sudden thought.) By Jingo !-and then I'll
swear the fellow in there is an impostor, and I'm the real man, and I
might even get hanged after all, too! Hooray I
(Dances of in great glee to a theatrical costumier's to get himself made
up.) Hullo! Why, what do all these fellows want at the costumier's
CRowDns or FELLOWS (to Costumier). Moses! I wish you'd just
make me up as A- B- the man who's condemned for that
murder, will you ?
(Scene changes to prison again.)
THE GAOLER. What am I to do ? There's a whole lot of people,
all exactly like the prisoner, got into the condemned cell somehow;
and I've got to bring him out for execution, and I can't tell which he
is, and all the rest want to be hanged!
THE LAW (with a sudden happy inspiration). Well-let 'em all be
(Wholesale execution and instantaneous [extinction of the .Mania. Re-
THE LAW AND THE SNOW.
(A clear day. Ground covered with crisp snow).
BROWN. Ah! the paths are very nice to walk on now; the snow's
quite crisp and dry, and one doesn't slip on it.
THE LAW. Dear me-this won't do People aren't slipping at all!
This isn't right-this must be altered. (To householders.) Now then,
you must clear the snow from the pavements in front of your houses!
(The householders adopt various means of doing so).
BROWN (continuing his walk). Why, it's got suddenly slippery!
Ah! I see-somebody's been pouring hot water about to clear the snow
away, and the hot water has covered the pavement with ice. (Dislocates
his shoulder). Yes; and here someone else has scraped the snow
away, leaving hard shiny patches on the pavement a little more
slippery than ice. (Breaks his arm.) I'll walk in the road, where it
hasn't been cleared away-it's safer. (Attempts to reach the road, and
plunges headlong into a mountain of black cleared-away snow.) By
the way, how beautifully the road is polished It is, indeed, like a
mirror. They have carefully scraped the surface, I see. Yes, there
are twelve horses down all at once! I will go home; the snow will
not have been swept away from my door, so I shall meet with no acci-
dent there. Eh? Why, if the policeman hasn't made my servants
scrape the snow off my steps What a beautiful glittering ridge of
slipperyness there is at the edge of each step! (Ascends to the top,
slips down, and breaks the rest of him.)
The Senatorial Election.
THE Conservative candidates for the French Senate have suffered
such general defeat at the recent contest that it can hardly be called a
" Sena-tory-all" election. Sena-radic-all" would be a more appro-
priate title, perhaps.
ONE of the supporters of the Liberal candidate for North Norfolk
suggests that the Conservative candidate, if elected, would always be
at the Birk-"beck and call" of the Government whip."
[JAN. 15, 1879.
ONE DISADVANTAGE OF THE ELECTRIC LIGHT.
Hansom (to Four- Wheeler):-" WHY, BILL! GOT ONE OF TER DAY LOSSESS OUT TO-NIGHT "
.F. W. :-" I'LL TELL YER WOT; THIS 'ERE 'LBCTRIC LIGHT SHOWS HUP THE ANIMALS SO, IF TER PUT A HOLD 'UN IN TER SURE TO
HAVE TO GO DOWN THE STRAND TO A THEATER OR SUMMUT. WHY! THERE'S OUR OLD PRINCE AND TINY' AND 'SOLDIER' THAT I HAT'
DRUV THIS FORTY YEAR ALL GONE FOR MEAT."
THE next novelty at the Folly will be Carmen; or Sold for a Song, a
burlesque, in which no doubt Messrs. Lionel Brough, W. J. Hill, and
Lydia 'hompson will have plenty of Bizet-ness.
Mr. Hollingshead commences his advertisements, "The Press on
the Gaiety pantomime." Would it not be better to advertise, "The
press to the Gaiety pantomime "P
The wondrously clever child Natali Vitulli, who has made such a
hit at the Criterion, is said to be a Roman. There is not the slightest
donbt he is a rum 'un.
At the Olympic a new farce has been produced by Mr. C. S. Faw-
cett entitled Mr. Jollyboy's Woes, which, according to all accounts,
gee- Woa's capitally.
A Morceau from Moore (only More so).
THERE stood a Peri at the gate
Of Eden, eating chocolate.
MOTTO for Lord Colin Campbell.-Dualce et decorum est pro patre
A LACONIC M.P.-Sir E. Lacon.
A Peppery Antagonist.
WE see that anM. Poivre and M. Feuillet havebeen fighting a duel
in Algeria. M. Poivre went on the ground in his "castor," whilst
M. Feuillet greeted him with a By your leaf."
IL eigaretto per esse felicer.
Now Ready, the Thirty-fifth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-EIGHTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases, for binding Is. 6d. each.
Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
Bow Ready, demy 4to. boards, Two Shillings and Sixpence,
THE BRITISH WORKING MAN:
BY ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.
And other Sketches by J. F. Sullivan. Engraved by Dalziel Brothers.
The Designs of Ms. SULLIVAN appear from week to week in the pages of
"FUN." In compliance with numerous requests, a firt installment, in a
collected form, is now produced under the title of The British
Working Man," which will be followed by a second collection--" The
British Tradesman, and Other Sketches."
CHADWICK'S CADBURY'S -DE a
SSEWING TE AETRNCAG '
V S ASK YOUR COCO ESSENCE
r COTTO AND TAKE N
m u^M *S W ^ OTHEIR. CUTION'1V.-r o thiAk- n iS the p it prove the addition efstar h.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hfl, Doctora' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, Janawy 16, 1879.
A BLACK LOOK-OUT.
Nurse (who has to bath the children):-" You NAUGHTY THINGS, I HOPE YOU WON'T DO IT OFTEN, OR HOW SHALL I EVER GET IT OFF ?
Bold Boy:-" ALL EIGHT, NURSE, WE'RE ONLY GOING TO APPEAR EVERY NIGHT FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, AND NEVER PERFORM AWAY FROM HOME."
TO MY HOUSEMAID.
A CRY OF ANGUISH.
THIS will never do, Jemima. Clearly this will never do !
Let me put the matter frankly.-I must get away, or you.
Vanish! I insist upon it.-Leave my den and me alone.
(Pray excuse me if I wound you by my rather angry tone.)-
Yes, I see the grime of ages on the surface of my chairs:
I behold a paper chaos heaped around me unawares.
Your domesticated optic obviously abhors the sight:
Mine prefers a grimy chaos. Hence, away; I wish to write.
Know you not I hate a duster;-know you not I loathe a broom ;-
When it sBeks to break the silence of my lone back sitting-room ?
'Tis the sanctum of the Muses; here I build the lofty rhyme,
Ev'ry morn before my luncheon-then again till dinner time.
Here I quaff my Aganippe, here my Helicon I swill!
Here I mount my own Parnassus, pine and laurel-covered hill -
Would you hither stray to fidget "-wasting all my precious time-
If you only knew, Jemima, what a hill it is to climb ?
Other duties are before you-else I very much mistake.
Have you never bells to answer? Are there never beds to make F
Has the butcher been fcr orders ?-Hark, was that a knock below P
Take an ay the broom, Jemima. Pick your duster up, and go.
I forgive you this intrusion. Cleanliness is not a crime:-
Still I fain would have its revels practised at some other time.
If in all my mother-lingo there be any words I hate,
They are found in two expressions-" clearing up" and "setting
Think me not a foe to order; count me not a slave to dirt.
(If you judge me thus, Jemima, I shall be extremely hurt.)
There's a method in my madness, though unhinged my brainyou deem.
Trust me, I am not so brutal or so loathsome as I seem.
I've arranged yon mass of papers in my own peculiar way.
I can find one in a minute. Wherefore make me waste a day F-
If you think my chairs are grimy (as I've not a doubt you do)
Don't imagine, I implore you, that my thoughts are grimy too.
I am now and then, Jemima, prone to meditative mood;
Partial, I may say, to basking in the bliss of solitude.
While I weave the dainty dactyl, or the flowing anapest,
I must be alone, I tell you,-unannoyed by man or beast.
If you saw me count my digits, if you saw me bite my quill,
Might ) on not be justly doubtful of my fluency or skill t
Let me only linge-r lonely in the luxury of woe."-
Mind you shut the door behind you. Get away, Jemima-Go !
"IN THE DISCHARGE OF PUBLIC DUTY."
MR. FUN, SiR,-The above grand and 'ighly-finished phrase is a
favourite mouthful with most mayors, magistrates, M.P 's, and even
Cabinet Ministers, who seldom lose an opportunity of impressing upon
us their faithful dischawge of the important public duties committed
to their care." What do they so often discharge their duties for?
The only meaning of the word "discharge'" is to dusmis. If you
discharge a shot you dismiss it, let it off. If you discharge a servant
you dismiss him, pack him off. If you discharge a prisoner you dis-
miss him, walk him off. It is clear then that when these gentlemen
pompously refer to their "efficient dischawge of public duties," it
means their "efficient dismissal of their public obligations." Of
course, if a man intended to imply that he had either done, or per-
formed, or fulfilled his duty, he would say so. But he tells us,
instead, that he has "dischawged" his duty, that is, dismissed it.
This is very common, and mostly true. But the last thing a man
ought to dischawge is his duty. He may dischawge his servants, or
be may dischawge his gun (if he has got a license), but England ex-
pects no man to discharge his duty, but to please do it. Any public
person found discharging his duties ought to be immediately dis-
charged, dismissed, let off, packed off, walked off.
ONE OF THE DISCHAWGED.
THE month which the Romans named after the god of war we
appropriately call March !
THE Mad Hatter is anxious to know what change of air would
convert the March Hare into a Bath bunny.
JAN 22 1s79.]
LJAN. 22, 1879.
THE AFGHAN DIFFICULTY SETTLED;
OR, THE TRIUMPH or DOMESTIC FEELING OVER FORCE.
(A Fragment suggested by an affecting incident in the Afghan War,
invaluable as a groundwork for the Historical Dramatist.)
SCENE: British Camp in a hostile country thronged with savage hordes.
The GENERAL enters, his head sunk upon his breast, .his hand pressed
to his brow. The yells of heartless savages are heard without.
GENERAL. But little space for hope indeed remains 1
Begirt by savage hordes, our little force
Fades, dwindles day by day. Shall British pluck
Avail against the overwhelming odds?
"One struggle more "-and then extermination!
Who comes' Some friend to counsel and to guide ?
Ah no! The officer political!
(Addressing COLONEL W*Tr**I*LD, who enters.)
Say if thy politics have taught thee aught
To help us now-
COL. W*BR*LD. Now let me think awhile :
An officer political, indeed,
Finds many phases to the art be learns
Which is particularly strong upon
The sweet domestic feelings and their force.
The art of working the domestic feelings
Is nigh the strongest point in politics--
(Suddenly brightening.) Indeed, I know a plan-
(More yells from the heartless savages without.)
Leave all to me.
Alarms and excursions. Enter a MESsENoGE excitedly.
MESSENGER. Oh, General, the heartless savage breaks
Our inner lines, and, merciless indeed,
Slays right and left--
THE GENEBAL. Oh, this is bitter news!
Yet save us, W*rsld!
CoL. W*R*LD. Indeed I will!
(He hastens of. Alarms. THE GENERAL sinks to the ground with
clasped hands. Then the scene opens, revealing British troops dandling
the offspring of the heartless savages on their knees, while COLONEL
W*a*LD moves from group to group distributing bon-bons and two-anna
pieces among the offspring, patting their heads and assisting them in their
teething. Alarms and heartless yele's; then the heartless savages rush on
and are about to exterminate the British Force, when their domestic feel-
ings are touched by the scene before them, and they east away their
weapons, and fall, weeping, upon the bosoms of their white foes-never,
never to be foes again.)
(THE GENERAL and COLONEL W*R*LD embrace tenderly, while the
savage country, conquered by its own feelings, allows itself to be annexed
by Great Britain.)
RED FIRE. CURTAIN.
THE PRINTERS' NATIONAL ART UNION.
THIS Institution continues to flourish as it well deserves. Started
some eight years ago in a very modest way by a few working printers,
it has grown, under the skilful management of a practical committee,
to such an extent that the prizes this year amount to one thousand four
hundred pounds. The works for distribution are pictures in oil and
water colour, engravings, and illustrated books of the highest order.
The good arising from this institution in disseminating taste, where
taste is of so much value, cannot well be overestimated, and the
working printer in giving it his support studies his own interest from
every point of view.
Ex Lucy Lucellum.
IT is a pity Mayfair has lost its Editor, Mr. Lucy. He is wanted
very much just now to E.-Lucy date the meaning of its new cartoons.
AN INSULT THE OX IS EXEMPT FROM.-None of your cheek!
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL IN AFGHANISTAN.
DUE warning having been given me by the Home authorities that the
sweeps were expected, and that their visit would be followed by a kind
of ante-dated spring-clean, I resolved to leave for a time my domestic
roof tree; and knowing of nothing extraordinarily special to be done
in this country, I resolved to pay a flying visit to our brave troops in
So, as you are aware, sir, filling my Gladstone bag-how that bag
will stretch, to be sure !-with back numbers of this estimable journal,
to cheer the hearts of our noble warriors round their camp fires, I took
special steamer and train to Stamboul, and then, having crossed the
Golden Horn, found a special camel awaiting me at Scutari, according
to order, on which I at once set out for Cabul.
It was a rough journey, through desert most of the way, which so
affected my spirits that I only made one joke between Bagdad and
Candahar-and that I wasted on a passing Bedouin, who merely
threatened me with a spear when I courteously asked him whether any
other but camel's milk was kept in a Drome-" dairy ?'
I was not sorry, I can tell you-though sore-y enough all over-
to reach the latter place I have named, which I did on the morning of
the 8th inst., meeting with what I suppose I may call a Canda-
hearty" welcome-thanks, I may add, to the fact that when in
Constantinople Sir Austen Layard had procured me one of the
Sheikh-ul-Islam's worn-out pocket-handkerchiefs, which I carefully
nailed to my walking-stick before entering Candahar, and carried
flag-wise though the city.
He had told me it was a choice between pocketing that handkerchief
or any number of affronts en route, and I had promptly chosen the
former, with the result I have named. Candahar was in a state of
great excitement; and on my asking to see the Governor a dancing
dervish, who was spinning himself like a top without a string-stay,
though, he had a string: a string of admirers following him about-
replied, Oh, Stranger, live for ever! The Governor has manufac-
tured pavements since the moon was high yester eve!"
"Manufactured pavements !" I exclaimed; "whatever does the
fellow mean?" Whereon a Zoug-Zoug Arab in the crowd, who had
chanced to visit Ingland on a gymnastic tour some years before,
answered, "May the stranger never want rancid ghee to anoint his
beard !" Now his dancing slave when he said manufactured pave-
ments," meant "made tracks."
Oh," said I, that's it, is it ? then the Giaours are at hand;" and
I set to work at once to prepare my countrymen a good reception.
The Sheikh-ul-Islam's pocket handkerchief proved useful in my next
proceeding, which consisted in visiting all the principal householders
and instructing them to prepare for their coming guests by killing
their fattest goat, or pigeon, or bulbul-nightingale pie is not half
bad, I can assure you-or whatever else they had; and laying in
plenty of dates, and figs, and peaches, and all that kind of thing, so
that my worthy countrymen should for once get their desserts."
It was nearly midnight ere I retired to rest in the bed conveniently
left me by the pavement-manufacturing Governor; and scarcely had
I put my head on the pillow than my pocket telephone, one end of
which I had sent out of the city by the hands of the Zoug-Zoug Arab
aforesaid, began to be strangely agitated; and soon, amidst the con-
fused sounds that reached me, I could distinctly hear the words, I
score the king!" in the true Gaelic accent. Then I slept in peace,
for I knew my fellow-countrymen were at hand.
Ere the sun was high, General Stewart and his army had marched
in, and, determined to do nothing by halves, I so contrived it that
the men were marched straight to their quarters, where a good meal
was awaiting them. The General was delighted, and told me, with
tears in his eyes, he had once sent a joke to FUN when in camp at
Aldershot. I lost no time in taking him aside and asking him if he
had been playing dcarig the previous night at a little before 12 p.m.
" Sir," he replied, I had just scored the king for the last time, when
the twelve o'clock relief came round." On this I shed tears of joy to
think how wonderful were the ways of acoustical science.
Thanks, principally to the influence of my old handkerchief,
General Stewart and his men had a high old time of it in Candahar,
at all events so long as the kids lasted. It was not so good a time
when the old goats began to be killed, and I promptly made arrange-
ments to "manufacture pavements" on my own account. So, presenting
the General with the invaluable though ragged wipe" of the saintly
Sheikh-ul-Islam, I took his dispatches for the War Office and hastened
back to England, home, and duty.
COMMANDER CHEYNE still adheres to his theory that the North Pole
can be reached by ballooning, and as sufficient money is not forth-
coming for the expedition, he is going to lecture in France in aid of the
fund. Of course there must be a good quantity of "gas" about a
ballooning experiment, but we hope he will get the money required, as
it seems if the North Pole is ever to be discovered, it can only be by a
Cheyne of gold.
MIND YOUR I I-A man's wife is his altar ego.
JAN. 22, 1879.]
A FROSTY GREETING.
Impudeiot -Fos --" Ah Squire, hope you are quite well, I have not
had the pleasure of seeing you with the hounds lately; enjoying your-
self indoors, eh P"
MYSELF AND SOPHONISBA.
A TALE oF A TwEmnrr-NlOGT PARTY.
THE place and time-a party held one jolly Christmas time,
At which the band was excellent, the supper was sublime.
Her name was Sophonisba-but her other I suppress;
She was supremely beautiful, and wore a muslin dress.
But why particularise her ? for gathered on that night
Were duchesses and countesses whose jewels were a sight "-
Because I simply worshipped her! and now that she belongs--
Stay! what caused my idolatry ? We both sang comic songs !
I sang them to perfection then-I sing them better now;
Though Sophonisba ran me pretty hard, I must allow.
That night my love was asked to sing-and lo! without demurs,
She did it: when she'd done my pericardium was hers!
Then shortly after her performance, I began to sing
And won her heart, I fancy, by the style I did the thing;
We galoped, waltzed together, and together supped anon,
Till jealous men and women muttered, Pretty goings on I"
Love's blind, but ours was deaf as well; and when we came to go,
No cab' for love or money, and it then began to snow ;
So naught remained but all must walk, as I was forced to tell her,
But ah the magic of the fact! I had an amberella !
I volunteered to see her home, my escort did I proffer,
And bore her off in triumph too from many such an offer;
And I remarked while tramping on, Now by the clouds above you!
Oh! Sopohonisba, Sophonis, Oh! Sophon, Soph, I love you!"
She answered, That you love me true I haven't any doubt,
But would you kindly hold the umbrella further out ?"
I whispered, Pray excuse me, pray! my head's in such a muddle;
But tell me, that you love me, dear, and step across that puddle
Oh Sophonisba, love me, love and do not say me nay,
And all my gingham you shall have the remnant of the way.
But if you do not love me, and your want of taste admit,
I'll keep the whole of it myself and won't give you a bit!"
Then on my very knees I went, down, down amid the snow-
Do you reciprocate my love ? Oh! answer, yes' or no' !
Oh, hill me with a negative, exalt me with a yes.'"
She said, I love you, Peter, but the snow has spoilt my dress !"
I leapt for joy, and would have osculated, but she said,
A certain task you must perform before we can be wed."
"A devoir like a knight of old! my baritone outrang;
"' Then find me out the authors of the comic songs I sang !"
Oh, tell me, Lion Comic, Tommy Dodd, or J. McCartys,
Do you write Sophonisba's songs-the songs she sings at parties?
Your names are on the comic songs of which she has a lot,
So I suppose you write them all, but she supposes not."
Said they, We do not write them, though our names are on them so;
We pay to have it done for us, though whom we hardly know.
They write-we take the credit. Is it not a splendid joke ?"
Then Mr. Dodd obliged me with the Chickaleary Bloke."
For many months I walked the world, until my patent boots
Began to look the worse for my migratory pursuits;
My sparrow-tail was shabby, and my dickey wasn't white;
I'd never changed my garments since that much eventful night.
I walked for months, and weeks, and days, and legion were my
But never found the author of those wretched comic songs.
The very men who bought them couldn't tell me who they were;
So grim despair insinuated, "Drown your sorrows there!"
The "there" it indicated me was right before my face,
A demi-semi-literary-stagey sort of place.
I'll drown my sorrows," I exclaimed, and rushing to the maid
Behind the bar, vociferated, Give me lemonade !"
She gave the lemonade, and then I took it in the tap"
And sat myself down opposite a queerish-looking chap.
His hands were dirty, nose was blue, his cheeks were white and
He looked a grim epitome of all that's very shabby.
He had a pipe, a dirty pipe, and made of common clay,
At which he kept on puffing in a melancholy way.
And as he sat in silence and a halo made of smoke,
In him I got an interest. Ahem'd and duly spoke.
Excuse me, stranger," said I, with preliminary bow,
But would you mind informing me on whatyou're brooding now?"
He slowly raised his eyes and said, in brandied accents strong,
I'm thinking of a subject for another comie song !"
A what!" I shrieked. He jumped. Oh, say, my heartiest of
Do you write Sophonisba's songs-the songs she sings at parties]?
Come trifle not with me, old man, or be prepared to rue-
Say, quickly, do you write them F"-and he said, Perhaps I do !"
"Whene'er I write a comic song I send it, say, to Grubb ;
The last one that I sent him was entitled There's the rub 1"
He knows me not, but sends a sum to any place I note.
As his, he sings and publishes it. Now let go my coat!"
Across the room I staggered. "Sophonisba, hip hooray !
I've done the devoir, done the task-no longer say me nay.
Avaunt my path, base myrmidons !" "The lemonade," said one.
I flung the fourpence at his head, and then commenced to run.
And to her domicile I rushed; then falling at her feet-
"I've found him, Sophonisba." "Yes; wherever did you meet?-
Amid the orange, myrtle groves, so well described by Prowse;
In halls of dazzling light, perchance ?" "No, dear-a public-house!"
Oh, Peter, I'm so happy now !" embracing me, she said.
Upon my dingy bosom then she laid her lovely head;
While shortly after we redeemed the double pledges plighted,
And Sophonisba and myself are happily united."
THE KOALA'S CONVERSE WITH HER CHILD.
AN AUSTRALIAN FABLE.
A KOALA had come out of her home in a hollow trunk, and was
crawling about the bush with her young one perched upon her back.
Mother," said the little koala (rudely speaking with his mouth
full of leaves), "why have you no tail ?"
Because it is vulgar to have tails," answered the mother.
Why is the part of you I sit upon white ? asked the young one.
Because white is the genteel colour for that part of the body "
answered the old one, and for the throat also, as you may see, if you
look at my own or your papa's."
"Why is the rest of you gray ? asked the young one.
"Because gray is the genteel colour for the other parts of the
body," answered the old one.
Why have you no hair on your face ? asked the young one.
"Because it is vulgar to have hair on the face," answered the
"Why do you have hair on your ears ? asked the young one.
"Because it is genteel to have hair on the ears," answered the
"Why do you walk so slow ? asked the young one.
"Because it is vulgar to walk fast," answered the old one.
Then we are quite a genteel family," cried the little koala.
"Perfectly free from vulgarity, my child," was the complacent
reply of his mother.
LATEST EROM THE SOUTH OF FRANCE.-Visitors at Nice are having
a Nice time of it.
[JA-. 22, 1'9.
SEE THE DRIFT OF IT?
Station Master:-" WE MAUN sEND HER ON, RAB, OR SHE'LL BE STOPPED BY ANOTHER DRIFT."
Bab :-" THE SIAW'S A' DRIFT AN' I CANNA SEE THE DRIFT 0' SENDING : HER ON TILL THE DRIFT'S STOPPED HERSELF. "
THINGS THEATRICAL. '
of that night's performance at
the Lyceum will be given to Mr.
Chippendale, it being the occa-
sion of his last appearance.
Considering that this excellent
and esteemed "old man" has
been on the stage for 68 years, it
is about time that he -and the
public should part, and we only
hope the latter will "part "
There is no truth in the
rumour that because Madame .
Selina Dolaro is specially en
gaged to appear at Her.Majesty'a
as the Gipsy, in Carmen, she has
thought it necessary to lice at
Gipey Hill. ,
The new farce at Drury Lane,
by Mr. Savile Clarke, is full of
sparkle and fun, and being
entitled "A Tale of a Tele-
phone," may be said to be a L
It is announced that The Crisis AWF U .
will shortly go into the country Lassie (who las been visiting in the sou h):-. They rise, Granny, i'
We think the country is ahead I the morn aboot mid-day, tak their breakfasts at dinner time, and
too familiar with the crisis. dinner at nicht. They sit doon in their Sunday claes, and whistle
At Easter the Folly will be I and sing on the sawbath!"
opened by Madame Dolaro, Grannu :-" It's owre shocking to believe; I maun e'en gi'e them
when, it is stated, Mr. W. S. the benefit o' a doot. Save us a' I"
Gilbert will supply the opening
piece. We ma) be sure he will TE best way to make your feet remember the steps the dancing-
not make it a Dolato-s one. master taught you.-Take your lesson in "list" slippers.
Making the most" of it.
A NEW social democratic
organ, printed in German, and
called the Freiheit, has been
issued in London. As the editor
is the German socialist, HERR
MOST, it will be useless to expect
more revolutionary writing in
any other paper. By the way
some have claimed Herr Most
as a follower of Comte. But
how can he be a positivist?
Surely most must be a super-
lativist if he be anything.
THE Paris Figaro tells the
following: "Everybody in Paris
knows a poor woman who sits at
the corner of the Boulevard et
de la Paix selling key rings,
and rather ostentatiously dis-
plays two wooden legs; it is
curious to remark that during
the late cold weather this poor
old body has been provided with
a foot stove."
A FRENCHMAN cannot under-
stand how Englishmen could
ever have thought they were
punishing a suicide by putting
a steak into the man's body.
MOTHERS BEWARE I Dr.
Kitchiner writes:-" A young
sucking kid is very good
FUTJN.-JAN. 22, 1879.
"THE SPOILT CHILD";
OR, QUIETING OLD MOTHER GORTCHAKOFF'S BABY.
JAN. 22, 1879.]
LINDA, OR THE FATAL SMILE.
A CONTINENTAL LEGEND.
F all the Lindas I have known (I've
) known a decent few),
-- One, who for beauty stands alone,
I'll introduce to you ;
I met her in a foreign clime-a
r chalet mountain-walled-
And Schlachenholtzerspitzenheim I
think the place was called.
BClose by the place a river flows be-
.- neath whose ample brim
The women used to wash the clothes
S and fishes used to swim ;
And there, denuded of their coats,
with jodelling and shout,
The villagers would enter boats and row themselves about.
A loving nature Linda had (which must not be ignored);
She loved most people, good or bad, and young men she adored.
She liked her sisters, as was due ; she rather liked her ma,
Her brother she would notice too, and tolerate her pa.
But soon, alas! poor Linda found, although her love was such,
It wasn't by the youths around appreciated much;
They said, Although we make no charge, for we dislike a fuss,
A girl that loves the world at large is not the wife for us."
And so this mighty love of hers, collecting bit by bit,
Upon a pair of foreigners she concentrated it.
The objects of the garnered bits (to which they made response)
Were, first, a Dutchman christened Fritz, and, secondly, Alphonse.
(Fritz left his home about this time because he chanced to hear
That Schlachenholtzerspitzenheim was famous for its beer;
Alphonse's noble spirit starved to view the land of fame,
Whence pipes, elaborately carved, and pretty waltzes came.)
They basked themselves in Linda's smiles (as she was nothing loth),
And, innocent of worldly wiles, she smiled upon them both,
No matter where they chanced to be, in altercation stern,
Impartial to the last degree, she smiled on each in turn.
The country round, expressing doubt, would wonder which she'd wed,
And then the country round about would gravely shake its head.
Alphonse and Fritz were anxious too; said they, This is absurd;
Come-which of us shall marry you ? Do kindly say the word."
But Linda said, I've never met so singular a pair,
I'll tell you why I've not as yet decided the affair,
Of all the eyes I've come anigh Alphonse's are the best,
And Fritz has got the kind of eye I heartily detest ;
While Fritz has just the finest nose prescribed by nature's law,
Alphonse's nasal organ-oh! is the worst I ever saw.
The mouth of Fritz is much too big; Alphonse's gleams with grace.
Alphonse in face is like a pig; there's soul in Fritz's face.
With things bewildering as these to curb my passion's growth,
I will continue, if you please, to smile upon you both."
They each, accepting this defeat (for this they'd travelled miles 1)
At Linda's feet resumed his seat and looked alternate smiles.
Until (it threw them into fits and turned their blood to ice)
In thoughtlessness, she smiled on Fritz-consecutively-twice !
Amazement thrilled Alphonse's brain (of which he had his share),
And horror throbbed in ev'ry vein, erecting all his hair.
That night when none were near to note (he'dthought the matter out)
He said, Let's take your father's'boat and row ourselves about."
He pulled away in reckless haste and, thinking, Won't she scream 1"
He put his arm about her waist and dropped her in the stream.
He turned the boat to where the sun proclaimed departing day
And, smiling over what he'd done, he rowed himself away.
On, on, herowed with sweeps and swings, but took with him, of course,
(Extremely inconvenient thing) "the tortures of remorse."
For he is haunted, understand, by ghosts that go in twos,
A pair of little ancles and a pair of buckled shoes.
And Mr. Linda mourns his pet (his boat, as he repeats),
And Mrs. Linda can't forget the cushions on the seats.
And on that river's breast at e'en, with face of care and doubt,
A man-Alphonse-is often seen to row himself about;
When thought of Linda o'er him flits, what would it be to him,
To know that she is Mrs. Fritz and early learned to swim ?
MILK FOR THE MILLION;
OR, Tai DAIRaMAN's DOOM.
DAIRYMEN must have trembled when they read in the papers the
account of the Brosimum Galoctedendron or cow-tree, which the Paris
Exhibition has brought into prominent notice. Time was when the
very notion of getting our daily supply of milk by boring a hole in
a tree would have seemed udderly impossible; but now a French
chemist has shown not only its possibility but probability; an analysis
of the sap of the cow-tree having shown that it contains all the
nutritious properties of milk. But on this we will not enlarge-
" Verbum sap. sat.," don't you know F
Should it turn out that the Brosimum Galaetedenaron can be easily
grown in this climate, there will be a scare amongst the milkmen,
a sort of milk panic, in fact, like that caused by cream-ation amongst
the undertakers some time since.
And no wonder! for no sooner is it proved that any soil will do for
it than every householder with a back garden or a yard will at once
plant his cow-tree, and tell the milkman not to call any more.
It may be said the whole thing may turn out to be an imposition.
But this is not at all likely; for we do not see very well how a big
tree like the Brosimum Galoctodendron can turn out a mere "plant."
Besides, it is stated as a fact that the Indians of Venezuela have
long used this vegetable milk, and, what is more to the point-the
embon-" point," that is to say-have grownfat upon it. They, indeed,
were so pleased with the fluid that they took care to keep the secret to
themselves, and it would not have been discovered perhaps but for two
reasons: one, that from the very nature of the milk's source, it was
likely to "leak out ;" and the other, that being so white a liquid, they
could not "keep it dark!"
Taking the Cents-us in Siberia.
"IN Siberia," says the New York Herald, "you can buy beef for
two cents a lb., a goose for 12 cents, a chicken for four cents, and
361 lbs. of corn for six cents." What a cents-ible place to be sure !
is our comment on that. But," adds the N. Y. H., you have to
shoot the bears out of your parlour window." Ah, that, now, is not
cents-ible; it's unbearable!
Playing at Soldiers.
WAn has been called a game of chess, and yet we read that one of
the troopships has just sailed for India with a regiment of cavalry, and
" draughts or the British troops now in Afghanistan." Now, under
the circumstances, would it not be better to call them chessmen, we
want to know ?
Un Chemin de fer en Espagne.
THE opening of the Ciudad Real Railway had to be postponed for a
week from the day fixed, on account of the floods. Is it not rather
ominous to have thus made a false start, as it were, with this Real
Railway ; especially as it is a railway in Spain ?
[JAN. 22, 1879.
OUR SUBURB'S INCUBUS.
LET all who entertain a plan And from this structure, strange to tell,
To dwell in some suburban spot, Whatever unendearing trait
Be very clearly Or imperfection
Assured the one they choose is not Our suburb has, in any way,
Approached by any bridge's sa an, Appears to spring. I know full well
Or-let them heed the warner s voice !- Without that bridge our suburb might
They will severely Be one collection
And bitterly repent the choice. Of all that's good and nice and bright.
Our suburb hath this trait-to wit,
A zig-zagged bridge, with queer design
To age united,
Where wood and iron-work combine;
And each conveyance ornssing it
From river's edge to river's edge,
Pays sixpence for the privilege.
Your wife is shopping, let us say.
"Your poorest wares are dearer far,"
She says severely,
"Than all the best in London are !"
"There is the bridge's toll to pay!"
The shopman merely
Replies, and wipes a tear away.
Your daughters having "cabbed" a mile
The honest cabby will declare
With much dejection
Some twenty shillings are the fare:
In sooth, no suburb more could need
This scapegoat, if by way of mere
Of all the spots where things are dear
Yet very, very bad indeed,
Provoking patience to a burst
Our suburb is serenely first.
You seek the builder of your boots.
"These boots, though worn but once," you scream,
With anger growing,
"Have burst apart in ev'ry seam!"
His heart is saddened to its roots;
His eyes in silence seem to say,
To that confounded bridge's sway !"
Your daughters hesitate awhile;
"You'll see," he'll say, "the cause is clear
The bridge's toll is so severe!"
JAw. 22, 1879.1 FU N. 39
On every side the mind is struck I've named the bridge that's mentioned here
By all the ills of varied kinds In FUN before. It needs some skill ',
That bridge imposes. To see with clearness
The poulterer, for instance, finds How that same bridge can work its ill.
It quickly makes the freshest duck But still, of spots where things are dear, hr
Turn unequivocally high, Yet very, very bad indeed
And shock the noses Despite their dearness,
Of customers who come to buy. Our suburb surely takes the lead.
THE ART TREASURE. While only a positive fool would pretend
That any of these ar. as fine as the end-
I'VE a beautiful thing, in a wonderful state- In spite of the feeling it seems to impart .
Its a marvel of art of the earliest date; Of a decent perfect perfection of art. "
Oh, a beautiful thing; when you see it you'll say *
With the slightest and rapidest glance you can see singular thing that I have on the wall?
Just view it from here, as you haven't it quite, IOh, yesI remember, yo know it. o I'm told
In the proper and perfectly suitable light IVfs hardly as much as a century old I r
Now look at the marvellous tone and effect Tehough certa n ohiing about it isfl,
There-that's the position from which to inspect- There's a certain felicity in the design; .
tow look at the marvellous tone and effect i And certain discernible beauties that lurk-
And only imagine t e mrae earls t daite! But it's rather a quaint than a beautiful work.
nd o i ne -th ealinet date! eThae merits it has, but you mustn't expect
There's a beautiful thing! It incites me to scream The faintest approach to artestie eject.
When I look at the drawing, that's simply supreme! In spite of a notion it seems to impart
I'm frequently tempted to stand on my head Of a decently decent description of art.
As I gaze at the blending of yellow and red! *
Why I feel like a fellow who's "taken a drop" Oh, here I you remember that "treasure," I say
When I muse that the bottom's as fine as the top; It's up in a lumber-room out of the way.
And I tell you I'm perfectly tipsy with pride I think you'll be rather astounded to hear
When I think how the top is as e as as fine as the side; That article wasn't been painted a year I
And the knowledge that these are as fine as the end I felt so disgusted I wanted to burn,
Makes ecstacy, bliss, and beatitude blend I Or otherwise damage, the beastly concern!
You'll notice the feeling it seems to impart Good gracious It gave me a pain in my head
Of a perfectly perfect perfection of art P With its horrible mixing of yellow and red I
0 Why, the top-if you'll credit the word of a friend-
I've found that the beautiful treasure I bought And the bottom and sides are as vile as the end
Is not of so early a date as I thought; Imagine the feeling the thing would impart
I freely admit that my feelings were sore Of a perfectly fearful degrading of art!
When I found it a century younger, or more;
But still I can easily master the sting, Now would you destroy it, or what would you do
For I'm bound to confess it's a beautiful thing; Eh Yes, if you wish it, I'll give it to you.
Yet--though it possesses no palpable flaw- You LIKs it My word!-if your eye can endure
There's not the perfection I fancied I saw; To see it, you're perfectly welcome, I'm sure!
Inspecting it closely, one doesn't detect *
Such perfectly marvellous tone or effect. What? Found that the ensure" I gave you of late
You think it a miracle ? Fancy it great Is proved, after all, of the earliest date
Remember, it's not of the earliest date. Uncover it I Give it me! Into my hand-
Oh-isn't it beautiful ? Isn't it grand ?
On solid reflection I fancy there are Oh I See the perfection in every crack! .
Some marvels of art that surpass it by far: Oh, pity me! pity me! Give it me back!
There's certainly something in what has been said It thrills with a bliss that's akin to a smart
Concerning the jarring of yellow and red By its perfectly perfect perfection of art !
I go with that hint that the critical drop ______ _
That the bottom is hardly as fine as the top;
And nobody rating himself as a guide A .xrITL boy, when the Twelfth Cake had been eaten up, asked that
Would say that the top is as fine as the side! the Thirteenth might at once be put upon the table.
([JA. 22,. 1879.
Miss Highlofty:-" OH, MRS. AVAvsoun, Do Yov NOT ADMIRE MI.
SLYSHAFT. I THINK HIM SUCH A NOBLE FELLOW; HE CAN TAKE PEOPLE DOWN
SO; JUST NOW HE MADE LITTLE MISS GRBVE so UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HIS
CHAFF. I AM A FAVOURITE OF HIS; HE NEVER DOES IT TO ME, and I do like
Those Scenes so Charming."
IN the course of an assault case at Hammersmith, on Friday, arising
out of an Amateur performance at the Bijou Theatre, the magistrate
delivered himself of some slightly strong sentiments. The complain-
ant had gone behind the scenes to enquire about some "property "
that he had left there on a former occasion, and the defendant, who
was acting as stage manager, used him rather roughly. Upon hearing
this Mr. Bridge remarked that the complainant was a stranger
behind the scenes: the defendant was bound to protect the actors
and actresses:. such a place ought to be kept as sacred as possible.-
It is true that theatres are sometimes alluded to as Temples of the
drarra, but often as we have been behind the scenes we never yet saw
anything exactly sacred about it; in fact, we believe it is not thought
fit for clergymen to be found there.
A Drooping Standard.
"THE Cornish smelters on Saturday reduced the tin standards 2 a
ton." So said the papers last week, and the fact is not to be won-
dered at. Indeed, it would not surprise us if the price continued to
grow less, for it is only natural that standards, whether tin or other-
wise, should have a "flagging tendency.
"OUR OLD NOBILITY."
Is there, for princely opulence,
That hangs his head, and a' that ?
We wish the coward better sense,
And dare be rich for a' that.
For a' that, and a' that,
We're noble Peers and a' that.
The commoner's a common scamp;
A Lord's a Lord for a' that I
What though on plate we daily dine,
Wear coronets and a' that ?
Let knaves have beer instead of wine,
We stick to hock and a' that.
For a' that, and a' that,-
Their pewter pots and a' that,-
For all our gold we never blush,
A Lord's a Lord for a' that!
Yon bragging pauper struts about,
And rants and raves and a' that;
However loudly he may shout
He's but an ass for a' that.
For a' that, and a' that,-
His People's Rights and a' that;
In pride of birth and money's worth
A Lord's a Lord for a' that!
No, by Gum.
ONE of the society journals states that efforts are being
made to popularise the "gum-chewing," so common
in America, in this country. We think our fellow
countrymen will be found to have too much gum-ption
to go in for such a habit. As to the tobacco chewers
they may as well stick to their quid," as allow a
lump'of gum to stick to them, which would be a very
unsatisfactory quo pro quid.
An Ominous Name.
THs Salicylic method of treating gout and rheumatism
may be a very good one, but certainly its name is
against it, if it is; for it is too suggestive of a silly
Sally" kind of treatment to induce general encourage-
Mocx TunTL.-An old man's young bide.
Adversity brings us Strange Bed-clothes.
A SCOTCH contemporary, deprecating any sympathy for the im-
prisoned City of Glasgow Bank directors, said: As they have made
their bed let them lie in it." It did not suggest, as it might, however,
that the only bed-clothes allowed them should be their misleading
Now Ready, the Thirty-fifth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-EIGHTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases, for binding Is. 6d. each.
Also Beading Cases, is. 6d. each.
Veow Ready, demy 4to. boards,, Two Bhillings and Sizpe ce,
THE BRITISH WORKING MAN:
By ONZ WHO DOBs NOT BELIEVE IN Hm.
And other Sketches by J. F. ullivan. Engraved by Dalsiel Brothers.
The Designs of Mn. SULLIVAx appear from week to week in the pages of
"FUN." In compliance with numerous requests, a first installment, in a
collected form, 'is now produced under the title of "The British
Working Man,'? which will be followed by a second collection-"< The
British Tradesman, and' Other Sketches."
CADBURY'S DOM E BA
C O A EEC L BRILLIANT!! CLEAN!! NO DUST!
BRANDAUER O.'s New registered "preu For ExODenoMEDA ofor an
n seris." of these Pew neither scratch nor p urt-the Quay. COrDMEDAL D0' We.
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your uay.
PURE-SOLBLE-REFESI for a Sixpeny Assorted ample Bo and Sold by Grocers and Oilmen eTerywlle.
orjCA oU.-ICo.... t4.sk it,, it, prss. ai,,.t- .,s... WoRKS, BIdUMOMAx. L JAMES & SOS, 80LE MAKERS, PLYMOUTH.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Publiesed (for the Proprietors) at 15B, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, JanuaruS, 1879.
JAN. 29, 1879.]
LAYS OF MY LOVES.
A Ta Y envelope-" With Pollie's love !"
That desk of mine has made it dusty, Pollip.
And what containeth? Eh A flow r, or glove ?
If either, Time has made it musty, Pollie.
My newer crest's your broken seal above,
Its motto iprepos in "Trusty," Pollie.
And shall I break it ?-Is it right or fair ?
If sot, 'twere dangerous to linger, Pollie.
Well, there! 'Tis done. A little tress of hair!
It clings so fondly round my finger, Pollie,
As you to me when bidding, in despair,
Good-bye" beneath the white syringa, Pollie.
I'd had to beg it of you once or twice-
'Tis so unlucky !" And 'twas funny, Pollie,
It should have happened yours was good advice;
Your father spoilt our projects sunny, Pollie.
Yeu'd said 'twas odd that fellows who 'were "nice"
Alas had never any money, Pollie.
" With Pollie's love!" A pretty sounding phrase,
My ling'ring lips are fain confessing, Pollie.
Would you object if able now to gaze
On me this little tress caressing, Pollie ?
Or is there someone else with right to raise
Objections of a kind distressing, Pollie ?
And did your conscience ever give a twinge-
Your deep despair so early fleeted, Pollie ?
For on the maxim "out of sight" will hinge
Why my heart-place was soon escheated, Pollie.
And has this tress debarred you from a fringe"-
Your fashionable aims defeated, Pollie ?
You're not to blame. 'Twas wiser, I contend,
Than fretting over hopeless blisses, Pollie.
The tress, I'll burn it; and so doing send
You back the word you pledged, with hisses," Pollie.
See there, it frizzles!-And behold it en "
In smoke, as did our hopes and kisses, Pollie !
A Hopeless Business.
How can a dyer expect to live ?
"NATIVE TO THE MANNER BORN."
Traveller :-" Mr FRIEND, ARE YOU SOBER ENOUGH TO TELL ME THE WAY
TO KIRKCALDY P "
Noatve:-"Is'T THE RO'D TAR KIRKCAUDY On AY FINE THAT! L&D I
A WIs BORN AN' eddicate THERE "
IT is said that the capitalist responsible for the new Folly specula-
tion is a well-known hotel proprietor. We were under the impression
that Messrs. James Albery and W. S. Gilbert were going to supply
The next novelty at the Strand will be a comedy by Mr. Sydney
Grundy with the seasonable appellation of The Snowball. This, how-
ever, cannot be called a happy title, since the snowball is inseparable
from "a frost."'
The first appearance of Miss Rosa Kenney (daughter of Mr. Charles
Lamb Kenney), on Thursday, the 23rd inst as Juliet was, of course,
a success of no ordinary kind, and it is with great pleasure we state
that Miss Kenney's future must be a Rosey one.
The comedy season at the Criterion will commence on the 1st of
February, with a new piece by Mr. Bronson Howard entitled Truth.
Knowing as we do how 'ard it is to tell the truth, we may fairly
expect some telling situations.
The performances of the Comidie Franqaise, which commence at the
Gaiety on June 2, are sure to be singularly successful, for they will be
full of Go(t).
It is stated that the veteran actor, Mr. Chippendale, was, when a
boy, a printer's devil. We can see no reason to doubt this statement,
seeing what a devilish good actor he is.
Although the performance of the Strand Dramatic Society, at the
Olympic on Wednesday, was in aid of the Leicester Square Soup
Kitchen and Refuge, we do not believe the box-keeper, in handing the
vouchers for places, said, "That's the ticket for soup."
The bill at the Vaudeville has "Once Again" been altered by the
production of a comedietta of that name by Mr. Ernest Cuthbert. It
is really surprising that the company can do justice to Mr. Cuthbert's
Earnest effort, considering that for four years they have been in ".A
The lion-tamer at Astley's has been had up for stealing 21s. from
one of the clowns, and notwithstanding his counsel's declaration
" that he was a very courageous man in the habit of putting his head
into a lion's mouth," Mr. Chance would not let him off, the magis-
trate considering that was no excuse for his putting his hand into
another man's pocket. Evidently Mr. Chance has no regard for
people with taking ways.
Tableaux.-A young servant-girl of 14, at Brixton the other day,
conceived a deep attachment for her master's watch, and, like many
another lover, ran off with the object of her affection. After dis-
arranging her master's bed-room and opening the window, she came
downstairs and demurely informed her master that a man was gone up
to ransack his bedroom. Finding no man and no watch, the master
fetched a peeler, and immediately on his arrival the interesting little
sinner fell on her knees, produced the watch, owned her fatal attach-
ment, and, crying "I-I am the culprit," was rushed off to gaol.
Requital.-The magistrate was so delighted with her performance
that he said she ought to act upon the stage, and that if she did so he
would, if possible, come to her benefit. At least, that is clearly what
the report in the newspaper says. "Mr. Chance said it was a sad
thing to see a young girl who might have done well acting in the artful
manner described. He directed a remand in order that further in-
quiries might be made, and, if possible, something done /r her benefit.'
"What's the Damage ?"
THE Times of January 14th, under "Naval Intelligence," says, with
reference to a 61 ton gun falling into the hold of the "Bomarsund"
lighter, that "the principal damage is to her decks, sides, bottom, and
bombings." If this was the principal damage, what other part of the
vessel, except her decks, ides, and bottom, escaped injury ?
THE te'ort ConRTEOUS.- Not that of the gas companies.
101. XX X.
[JAN. 29, 1879.
THE EARLY BIRD THAT DIDN'T CATCH
J AM essentiallyan early bird. This
is metaphorically ornithological. I
do not mean I go about in a suit of
feathers with a beak and tail. From
m, my early youth (many, many years
ago) I have always considered it my
duty to rise with or before the sun :
and, I may add, I have worried
several friends into early graves,
i i ~ *and several more into lunatic
I asylums, by endeavouring to con-
II vert them to my ideas on this
I subject. I am not an artist,
neither am I a poet; the roseate
flush of dawn" and Aurora's
tinted chariot" are rubbish. No,
sir-or ma'am-my early rising is
I a matter of principle. I will get up
early if I die for it. I have never
reaped any advantage from it, nor do I ever expect to; but I do
it-and I mean to. Talk about larks! What larks? I am stirring
long before any of them. "Resurgam" is my motto.
Sometimes when I am absent from home, staying with friends in the
country, my habit occasions surprise, and even at times inconvenience;
but, bless you!-excuse familiarity-they soon get used to me, and say,
Oh, it's only Uncle Timothy, you know; he's always such an early
bird, you needn't mind him."
Well, the other day (never mind the date) I was staying down at Si
Emmamine Silva's-his second wife's aunt was related, by marriage, to
my half-sister's husband-when a little event happened which I will
relate to you.
I got up at my usual hour, resolutely determined not to yawn, and,
rubbing my eyes, soon succeeded in convincing myself I was wide
awake. I was well in advance of the sun-for it was quite dark-as,
bedressing-gowned and beslippered, I opened my room-door and went
out into the passage. It was what some foolish people would call the
middle of the night; it was very chilly, and the rest of the lazy in-
mates of the sleepy house were all slumbering in their indolent beds.
I do not deny it was uncomfortable-almost unpleasant-but through
life I have conscientiously made myself a martyr to principle; and I'm
proud of it.
To my surprise, as I made my solitary way across the deserted ball,
I saw a light gleam from beneath the dining-room door, and impelled
by curiosity to see who else was actuated by the same worthy motives
as myself and was stirring at such an early hour, I softly pushed open
the door, and, to my surprise, discovered the butler in his common
working clothes polishing the plate on the sideboard by the light of a
lantern. My heart leapt towards that butler.
"Sir," said I, with enthusiasm, you are a worthy man."
"No, I ain't," said he, starting and showing manifest signs of
"You are, you are," I rejoined, seizing his hand with both mine,
forgetting the difference of our relative positions in the delight of
meeting with a congenial spirit. "You, like me," I continued, "are
a man of principle."
Gammon ] said the butler.
"Yes ;" said I, a man of method, of regular habits, but only so
far as early rising is concerned. The correct place to clean plate is in
your pantry, and not on your master's sideboard."
"I'm just taking it to the pantry," he replied, clutching as many
pieces as his outstretched arms could hold.
Wait a moment-not so fast," I cried, as he made for the door,
and I laid a friendly hand upon his shoulder.
Paws off," said he, "or-
Here I interrupted him.
My friend," said I, "by the familiarity of your address I con-
clude you are an old retainer, and as such are allowed certain privileges
of tongue. I overlook the manner in which you have spoken to me
in consideration of the noble quality you possess in so eminent a
degree. As a persistent early riser myself, I have unbounded admira-
tion for a like accomplishment in others, and I feel that this half-
sovereign" (I luckily had my purse in my dressing-gown pocket) "is
but a poor testimony of the respect and admiration with which you
have inspired me. Go, butler, and never forget that it is the early
bird that catches the worm. Go to your pantry with the plate, the
half-sovereign, and my blessing."
"1 am blessed!" said the butler, and tookhis departure and the
gold with rapidity.
Shortly after this incident the rising sun tempted me to exchange
my dressing-gown and slippers for outdoor attire, and to welcome the
morning dews while strolling through my wealthy friend's park.
After a somewhat protracted walk I returned to the house with such
a cold in the head, such wet boats, and such an appetite as those who
remain on downy couch succumbent" till eight or even nine o'clock
in the morning have never known.
"Here he is," cried a number of excited voices as I entered the
breakfast-room; "Perhaps he can tell us something about it-he's
such an early bird."
In a few words I learnt that during the night a burglar had entered
the premises and that a great portion of Sir Emmamine Silva's plate
had been stolen from the sideboard.
Like lightning the memory of my short interview with my fellow
early bird flashed across me.
It was the butler," said I.
"1Jfe-me-Jobson P" cried a highly respectable clerical-looking
individual wholly unlike my friend in every particular, Me take the
plate I As sure as there's a law for libel in the land you'll have to
pay John Jobson heavy damages for this."
I had to tell my story. When I came to the part of laying my hand
on the burglar's shoulder as he was leaving the room I was interrupted
by a chorus of voices.
"You caught him, and have got him locked up somewhere."
"You had a fearful struggle and he escaped."
"You pursued him across the park and had him arrested."
"He got away, but you have put the police on his track."
"You have artfully traced him to his place of concealment."
I was forced to confess I had done none of these things.
Then," said Sir Emmamine Silva, in the name of patience, what
did you do?"
Well-I-er-in point of fact-I-er-gave him half a sovereign
for being up so early!"
"Jobson," said the baronet, "have the dog-cart round to take
Uncle Timothy to the railway station in half an hour's time, and see
that his portmanteau is packed."
I have never been to stay with Sir Emmamine Silva since.
SPECIMENS OF CELEBRATED AUTHORS.
RETRIBUTION A XIXTH CENTURY BALLAD OF THE
By the Author of" Vengeance, a Ballad of the Fleet."
AT his chambers in the Albany Sir Richard Tankard lay,
And a missive, like brown buttered toast, was brought him on a tray;
" Come, drink my Spanish wine-fifty dozen, all is thine,
And bring your friends with you, we'll drink till all is blue."
Then sware Lord Thomas Drunker: "By jingo, I'm no funker;
But I cannot go, I fear, for my liver's out of gear,
And my head feels like to burst, and I only slake my thirst
With Apollinaris water, for I dare not touch port wine."
Then spake Sir Richard Tankard, "I know you are no funker,
And fly wine for a moment to return to it again,
But my liver and my brain are free from ache and pain.
I should count myself the funker if I left them, my Lord Drunker,
Unsatisfied, and craving for the purple wine of Spain."
He called his friends together to go with him and dine.
He told them of the telegram that told him of the wine.
"We will go, for we are dry ;
Good Sir Richard, we are thine,
And the vintage we will try.
If good there will be little left ere morrow's sun be set !"
And Sir Richard said again, We be all good Englishmen ;
Let us empty all the bottles down our sturdy British throttles,
For I never turned my back upon glass or bottle yet."
Sir Richard spoke and he laugh'd, and we roar'd a hurrah, and so,
Like trueborn sturdy Englishmen, we all of us would go.
And found the wine all laid along the floor in many a row,
And half was laid on the right-hand side, and half on the left was
And the table, like the white sea foam, ran down the room between.
The dim eyes of the waiters winked with an inward laugh;
They seemed to mock the notion that we the wine would quaff.
But as the night was waning they watch'd the rows grow small,
And whispered to each other, "I bet they'll drink it all!"
For the wine was flowing swiftly down, as a cataract might be
When it leaps from a mountain to the Sea !
And the moon went down and the stars came out o'er the smoky
And never a moment ceased the flow of the purple liquor down!
Glass after glass, the whole night long, the mighty magnums went,
And bottle after bottle was away from the table sent.
JAN. 29, 1879.] FI!%N 43
" Dead men," as in a battle-field, lay strewn upon the floor,
But still there was no cry of Hold"' but constant shouts for "more!"
For he said, Drink on, drink on !"
Though he scarce could lift his hand.
And it chanced when more than half of the summer night was gone
That he rose up on his feet and tried to stand,
But he sunk into his chair, and lay back grinning there,
And close up to hisside we stept,
Then-the rule in such a case-we cork'd him on the face,
And he fell upon the floor, and he slept.
So pass'd we all, and when we woke each knew of a heavy head,
For not a soul of all of us had found the way to bed!
And a tempest of indignation swept over our surging brains,
That we could be floored by vintage, ay, ev'n of a hundred Spains !
It never was PORT we cried, and so we tasted it once again-twas SLOE!
Vile SLOE, with all our might, we had drunk for half the night !
And brave Sir Richard Tankard said, Boys, although we drank hard,
'Tis SLOE-JUICE, and not Spanish wine, is giving us such pains!"
Then in a sink, that day, we poured the rest away,
To be lost evermore in the drains.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AS AN AFRICAN EXPLORER.
You will have noticed, sir, that the discoverer of Livingstone is by
no means prepared to On, Stanley, on !" at the bidding of certain
Manchester merchants who wish to open up fresh markets for cotton
goods-did it ever strike you how many of those goods in these days
of adulteration are bad ?-in Central Africa. He has, indeed, plainly
bold Mr. James Bradshaw-a capital man to Guide" such an expedi-
tion, by the way-that he (Mr. S.) has other fish to fry, thus implying
that the offer of the Manchester merchants is by no mdans his sole "
chance, don't you see ? And this being the case, Mr. J. B. and his
friends have done the next best thing they could do-they have come
Yes, sir, modest merit, even if its possessor do not show it in real
earnest but only in Fun, is bound to make its mark at last, provided
that it is unable to writeits signature, and you must not be surprised that
my "Extra-Special" light can no longer be hidden under a bushel.
The Manchester merchants want, as I have said, to find fresh backs
and bodies upon which to place their calicoes, and think the teeming
millions of Central Africa have lived long enough without the blessings
of under-vests, petticoats, pinafores, and print aprons. They feel
asEured that they would get an ivory price if not, indeed, a very
'igh" one for such articles of apparel and others I need not more par-
ticularly mention if once the necessary markets could be opened; and
their wish, therefore, is to get them opened forthwith-which sounds
as though they were oysters, does it not ?
The eyes of Manchester are fastened on me accordingly as the one
man, in the absence of the happy H.M. Stanley (Taffies are usually
bad tempered, I think), who can introduce its manufactures into the
vast tracts where, as yet, the natives have cotton without cotton, if
you can understand how that can be.
I could not but feel flattered at this mark of Manchester's esteem
and confidence ; and being, moreover, threatened at home with a visit
from my mother-in-law, I felt the moment was moht auspicious for a
commercial Mission for the Propagation of Pocket Handkerchiefs and
Pinafores, &c., in Foreign Parts ; and I consented at once to become its
That was on Wednesday last, and since then I have been very busy
preparing for our start, which is to take place in a few days, when, I
flatter myself, the public will start also on reading of our ambitious
Determined to take all possible precautions against failure, I
prefaced my preparations by advertising in the Telegraph that any
Central African who called at my residence (in these hard times I
withhold my address for obvious reasons) would hear of something to
his advantage. No less than five called the next day-two being in
the crossing-sweeping and three in the wild-beast-taming line-and,
picking out the most intelligent, I invited him to become my guest.
No sooner did he consent than I sent out and hired a bath-chair; and,
thus provided, I soon learned all I wished to know of Central Africa.
You may be curious to know what the bath-chair had to do with
it ? Simply this. I used to put my negro friend in it every morning,
and then proceeded to draw him out, with the above result.
Acting on hints he gave me, I laid in a large store of glass beads,
looking-glasses, jews-harps, kaleidoscopes, fog-horns, musical boxes,
scent fountains, giving orders to my Manchester friends, at the same
time, to prepare some specially lively-coloured prints-one pattern I
suggested being pickling cabbages, sun-flowers, full moons, and
peonies, worked in on a bright-green ground-and to pack them in
boxes, and not bales, to prevent anything like a baleful influence.
I also took care to secure a well-trained journalist, accustomed to
contribute to the editorial columns of the press, for the expedition.
You see, in case I fell or temporarily succumbed, he could so easily
write another first-rate and dashing "leader !"
I purpose taking an india-rubber canoe for each member of the
expedition instead of a large boat for us all, since the former will serve
us better at a stretch. Anticipating some difficulty in opening the
markets I have provided myself with a complete set of burglar's tools,
besides a sardine knife, a skeleton key, and a good supply of opening
The members of the expedition are all pick't men-one, in fact, who
hails from Fort William, where, by-the-bye, it always rains, being a
pick't and Scot !-and I have been fortunate enough to enlist two
former members of the Moore and Burgess minstrels, who, in their
burnt cork, will form our advance-guard in unknown and dangerous
Our route will be via Loanda and the Congo-or rather, as I call it,
since so much can be said for and against it, the Pro-and-Con-go-and
as we start so shortly, I have no more time to spare in writing, my
natural anxiety being, seeing I am bent on opening markets, to get
into the Trade winds as soon as possible.
BEAtTEOUS maiden, tell me truly,
When you say you love me, d'you lie ?
Since you ask, I'll not deceive you,
Though 'twere best in doubt to leave you;
I confess that most wickedly
I prevari-well, I did lie !
'Twas no firm asseveration,
But a imere ejaculation
Simply used to grace the minute,
With no shade of feeling in it;
If I yielded for a moment,
Ladies' yeas have always no meant;
Jove at lovers laughs, they tell us,
Mourning broken vows, poor fellows!
Now you've got your final answer,
Make the best of it you can, sir ;
Think no more of love nor marriage,
Go, forget me.-John, the carriage !
THAT almost obsolete institution known as Plough Monday is said to
have been so called because it was the day on which labour was
resumed after the Christmas holidays. From this we infer that work
in those days was looked upon as harrow-sing.
A HINT FOR CITY POLICEMEN.
(Enter an Idiot, attracting public attention by his excited air).
Idiot (loudly) :-" Oh, policeman, can you tell me the way to the
Soanso Bank ? I hear it's going to smash, and I wish to draw my
balance of five pounds-."
Policeman:-" Here-you come along o' me!" (Cuts his clatter
short, and marches him of to police station. PANIC is nipped in the bud,
and the Bank is saved. Handsome testimonial to Constable.)
44 FU [JA. 29, 1879.
OH, THAT MANCHESTER I
"Positively terrible / "-we were saying so to our laundress (a most intelligent, rieht-minded person) only She assures us that, after she has put one of our
the other day-" positively terrible to think of the rubbish they sell as linen nowadays I Must be literally brand-new shirts in soak,
three-fourths 'dressing '-wears out in one washing." Our laundress entirely agrees with our remarks:
And is passing it through her patent "washer," it gives her quite a turn to see the amount of stuffthat comes away-all "dressing," of course.
le_ ________7_____ '
And Bhe's right enough, for our wife often remarks to us: "Is it not disgraceful! Been to the wash ONCE," and shows us a RAG, sir-a RAG Oar laundress
declares she's quite grieved by it-quite worn away. So are our shirts.
FUN'.-JAN. 29, 1879.
A VERY VULGAR QUESTION,
lordB.:-"H'M, WHAT A PITY IT IS YOU ARE NOT AN EASTERN QUESTION OR AN
THEN I WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU."
AFGHAN DIFFICULTY, AS
JAN. 29, 1879.]
NEW LEAVES FOR JANUARY.
THE Day of Best appears in a new shape and with a very strong
programme. The leading story, Be-Be; or, the Nailmaker's Daugh-
ter," threatens to be a powerful work, and is well illustrated by W.
The Peep Show begins with evidences of striving for novelty; the
writing generally is good; the illustrations are numerous, and, in some
cases, refined and graceful.
The Sunday at Home is good in its general contents, and has
a colour-printed frontispiece from Birket Foster that alone is worth
twice the price of the number.
The Leisure Hour is also thoroughly well done; the coloured picture
of The Flags of Nations" is most useful. The leading story is well
illustrated by H. French.
Once'a Week is well put together and varied in its contents; it has a
well-executed frontispiece, A Happy New Year," that reminds us of
St. James's Magazine opens with "What will Society Say F" the
scene being laid at Boulogne-sur-Mer.
Caring Cross.-The leading story is Sympathy ;" in the opening
scenes the author shows considerable dramatic power.
Kensington is a new venture, edited by Mrs. Leith Adams. In these
days when quantity is looked for we fear the public will not see enough
for its sixpence.
Macmillan continues to maintain its high standard of excellence.
The Atlantic Monthly is as good as ever, and that is saying much.
Gold Hours is a thoroughly good magazine, full of good healthy
The Gardener's Magazine.-This admirable work, always up to the
mark, produces a Christmas number, in which there is one very clever
picture, "The Promenade at Interlachen," evidently done from a
photograph. The figure subjects are not good.
THE SONG OF THE UNINTRODUCED.
BY ONE WITH NOVEL IDEAS OF RHYME.
HE sat in a very disconsolate mood
In a corner secluded and dim,
Yet his costume was neat and his looks'were'good
(I'd have willingly changed with him).
And my questioning gaze he met with a sigh-
The flood of his sorrow was loosed-
And I read in his highly intelligent eye
The Song of the Unintrodoosed.
"Oh! why should I come," said that talkative orb
(I allude to his speaking blue eye),
" And under a painful pre-Raphaelite dorb
Sit down in a corner and sigh ?"
There's Jones has been talking, in ignorant tones,
On subjects to which I am used-
In fact I'm aware I could bowl over Jones,-
But there-I'm the unintroduced.
" My silent reserve and ridiculous mien
Might lead you perhaps to opine
That I'm wholly unused to this glittering scene-
A sort of a novice, in fine.
It's quite the reverse I assure you ; and when
With a circle of friends at the Roost'
I'm looked on as one of the cleverest men,
But here-1 am unintrodoost.
"That lovely young creature is trying to waltz
With a vaguely incapable swell,
Bad waltzing's unknown in the list of myfaltz-
I do it uncommonly well;
But, oh, if the pleasure' I'd ventured to ask,
What scorn and contempt had been loosed!
For who will believe you are up to a task
Unless you have been introdoosed ?
"I've written a play of exceptional worth,
Conceived in my happiest vein,
To get it produced I've moved heaven and earth
And sent in' again and again;
But all to no purpose, for managers say
They're certain the thing' will be goosed,'
But I mustn't complain for it's always the way
Unless you have been introdoosed.
"No longer I'd stay to be stared at and snubbed
By this brilliant assemblage of fools-
Excuse that last word, but my temper is rubbed
By etiquette's sickening rools,-
I'd fly to some friendly hospitable coast
And brilliantly shine as I used,
But I know I must bid a farewell to my host
And-hang it !-we're not introduced I "
THE public has wondered at the hour at which the marriage of the
King of Holland to the Princess Emma of Waldeck took place, viz.,
6.30 p.m. With such a royal bride the time of the evening, we sup-
pose, was Emmaterial." By the way, some have said she is a
regular "blue stocking;" but their only ground for so saying-whichis
that the Princess is an Em-ma" (M.A.)-is scarcely sufficient reason
we think. That she is an Emmanent" personage, however, cannot
be doubted. Already, we understand, many new pictures have been
added to the palace walls at the Hague. She likes every Wall-
deck't" to remind her of home.
A Brown (paper) Study.
BY the publication of his pamphlet and his attempt to damage Mr.
Ruskin's reputation, Mr. Whistler has not increased his own. In that
remarkable production he says: "Painting is an exact science, and
can be compared to mathematics." Of course if this be so-if painting
be a science-it bears out Mr. Ruskin's statement that Mr. Whistler's
arrangements are not art. Comparing pictures to mathematics is
certainly an original idea of figure painting.
CONSIDERABLE annoyance was caused to a candidate for the Carlton
Club, who was lately upset from his carriage in Pall Mall, for the
report at once spread that he was pulledd." And even when he ex-
plained that he was "spilled" and not "pilled," some of his older
and deafer friends did not quite comprehend the difference.
May and December.
THE King of the Netherlands, in marrying the Princess Emma of
Waldeck-Pyrmont, has taken upon himself a bride who is forty-two
years his junior. We think this can be called the most singular (or
double) instance of regal forty-twode.
A WORD IN THE WINTER SEASON.-How infamous it is that so many
pious parents should suffer their little boys to make their aged fellow
WHICH would even a naturalist prefer at Christmas-tide,-a stuffed
humming-bird or a stuffed turkey F
NOBLEST THINGS FIND VILEST vsiNo.-Poor poets I In England we
put Browning into soups.
[JAN. 29, 1879.
Father:-" GOOD EVENING, PATSET; IT'S A PINE MOONLIGHT NIGHT."
1atsey:-" IT IS, YOUR HOLINESS; BUT IT IS NOT TO-NIGHT WE WANT
THE MOON OUT-IT'S THE DARK NIGHTS WE WANT IT."
ELLE ET LUI.
AFTER THE BALL.
PART Of course we must part-though I do love you,
But you're eribld des dettes and as poor as a mouse,
And [ don't see the fun of attempting to marry
With nothing a year coming in to keep heuse.
At an afternoon tea or a dinner you're charming,
And your match in a waltz is not found far or near ;
But a match, Hal, for life is a prospect alarming
With one who has only two hundred a year.
In a cottage love may, as they say, be delightful,
When the cottage is one of that kind called ornee ;
But without the agrIments of life 'twould be frightful
From civilization to live far away.
Cold mutton is not as a rule too entrancing
When eaten perforce more than three times a week,
Nor are hashes precisely the food to set dancing
The blood in one's veins-For your good, dear, I
We cannot on love live-so says the old adage,
An adage as old as the dales and the hills,
And moneyless we should find this one a sad age,
Life's goods far too few and but rich in its ills.
Good-bye, dear old boy, parting may be sweet sorrow,
Still it's hard if my words to you heartless appear;
Dear Harry, believe me, I'd have you to-morrow
Could you make your two hundred two thousand a
THE renowned Vera Sassulitch is said to be in Lon-
don, where she has married a wine-shop-keeper, near
Leicester-square. It is strange that she is not making
"more stir in Russia, instead of settling down in the
" Less-stir "-square, soto speak; but the statement that
she has married a vintner is so far suggestive of truth,
since we must remember in vino Vera"-tas !
How TO ROAST A WILD DucK.-Tell her she only
shams to be fast.
THAT WICKED SIGNOR.
(Ax AurOBIaooRAHICAL FRAGMENT).
HA ha! and also Viva l'Italia. I am an interestinissimo native of
de Sunny South (if dey only knew how brutto dismal Turin is in de
rain!); and in th- innocence of my cuore Ilaugh and Itsing, and I do
niente for a living.
Ha! ha! at the sunny village of Canaglia-la-Povera I made a
mistake in de veritabile Italiano fashion; I did romantically use de
stiletto when I had poetically consumed-tra la la-de juice of de
ruddy grape. Dere was malto (not malt) brandy in it, and I was
comfortable tighto. Per Bacco! de Sunny South is gay and innocent
on rice and water; but when it does imbibe de ruddy juice-it plays de
jeuce with de stiletto.
Emigrazione was my solo resource. I came to hospitable
Inghilterra-an interestinissimo outcast, with de bronze skin and de
laughing oja. Despite that oja, I couldn't go for a soja (de
pronuncciacoione is different, but de pun is not cattivo for de povero
Italiano); I could do nothing, as dey do in de Sunny South. I
exercisedthenmy laughing oja on de susceptible Inglese, and did her out
of good many lire for an organ. De lire and de organ-dolci
instrument of my native land. Then I did do stiletto practice on
susceptible Inglese, and swindled six servant girls into following my
laughing oja and my organ.
Dey are dressed in de poetic garb of my bella Italia. For I have
found dat de Inglesi prefer Italiano dirt to Britannico rags.
I stayed in my countrymen's quarter. We lived on your country-
men and countrywomen, but we would not live with dem. We loved
our poetic filth and our free sunny Italiano morals. Round about us
your grovelling working imbecili were starving. We were making
pleasant leetle fortunes with our organs and our laughing eyes ; and
de susceptible Englishwomen who always believed in us, because of de
Sunny houth. Now and then we did stiletto a poco in our Holborn
courts; and now and then we did do a leetle of de brigandage of
sweet Sicilie to remind us of home. Then de rough bbirri would
interfere; but, bless you, we were never punished like common
Inglesi-theie was de Sunny South about us.
And that shall preserve us. Our dirt is terrible; our morals are
unspeakabile; we work not; we make atominabile music. But as
long as you are stupid Giovanni Bull you will give to us because of
the Sunny South, and our merry eye, and Mary Jane whom you
would kick in a frouzy bonnet, and whom you think touching with a
dirty towel on her head.
Tankyou, nobile Giovanni Bull, you should see what they'd do if
we tried organs and Mary Jane at home.
Did you Heifer?
JEWELLERY is being made in Germany from the pure blood of the
ox. The blood is dried, reduced to powder, and then moulded and
polished." So says the South London Press, but it does not add
whether the resulting gems are blood-stones," or what. Whatever
they may be, it may be assumed, we should think, that their manu-
facture was hit upon by ozident.
How's that for Hy-men ?
"THnRE have been," says an American paper, "1,100 marriages
in Salt Lake City within three weeks." Now, though this may not
be an Utah" impossibility it is surely a statement to be taken cum
HER Most Gracious Majesty has been pleased to confer upon the
Lord Chamberlain the honour of the Grand Cross of the Order of the
Bath. We can authoritatively assert that this has nothing to do
with his lordship's aptitute for yefting himself snto hot water.
BAD Loox-oUT FOR RAILWAY SHAREHOLDERS.-A terminus is an
estate which must expire.
JAN. 29, 1879.] F U N 49
A BAND OF HEROES.
The Philadelphia correspondent of the Times telegraphs:-"The cavalry
pursuing the Cheyennes who fled from Fort Robinson overtook and surrounded
them on Saturday in bluffs, where they numbered 50 persons, mostly women and
children. On their refusing to surrender, the troops sent to the fort for cannon
to dislodge them. Two more companies of cavalry and two cannon
were sent from Fort Robinson on Saturday night to reinforce the troops, making
altogether 800 soldiers who are after 15 Indians with their women and children."
A LITTLE band set bravely out,
A band of fearless men ;
For o'er the land a savage shout
Told of the wild Cheyenne !
The wild Cheyenne with wicked eye
And cruel hand and strong,
Sent up his heartless battle-cry
That spake of death and wrong!
The wild Cheyenne who mocked at laws,
Whose soul with crime was dim-
I say the wild Cheyenne because
There was but one of him ;
But, oh that little band of men
Would not have quailed to do
Their mission, if the wild Cheyenne
Had numbered even two.
Not many souls they numbered-say
Two hundred, at a guess ;-
What matters, in the battle's fray,
A hundred more or less P
They trusted in their cAusE to stay
The savage foeman's steel,
Assisted by the fact that they
Were armed from head to heeL
The wild Cheyenne who mocked at law
Was not their only foe;
There were, besides himself, his squaw,
And seven kids or so;
The wild Cheyenne who roamed the land
Was duly armed for strife ;
He had a lockless pistol and
A broken dinner knife.
That small but fearless band set out
Full bravely on their start;
'Mid many a loud and cheering shout
From many a boding heart.
They marched from sweet Fort Robinson
Although their hearts were sore;
The hearth, the wife, the little one--
Ah! Would they see them more ?
Full cautiously advanced the men
For many, many days;
For that unscrupulous Cheyenne
Is sneaky in his ways :
All nervously they marched-and oh !
With what unnerving cares
lest that depraved Cheyenne should go
And take them unawares!
At length they reached a mighty space
Of unfrequented land;
A very solitary place
For such a little band:
No more of peril make they light
Nor now at danger scoff,
For well they know that savage might
Surround and cut them off !
Then spake the gallant captain to
His second in command:-
"It is a mighty task to do
For such a little band !
The peril hovers more and more
Ahead and in oar track-
Suppose the savage comes before
We've time to hurry back ? "
Lo as the captain's speech was framed,
From that unflinching band
A shuddering terror-cry proclaimed
The savage foe at hand.
Now courage, while the bullets whiz,
To ev'ry mother's son !
'Tis not the wild Cheyenne; it is
His youngest, aged one.
They conquered fear, those gallant ones!
They conquered weak remorse,
And boldly sent for further guns
And men, to reinforce.
Now hearken! 'Tis the rifle's crack!
Hark Hark! The booming gun !
The gallant band have driven back
The youngest, aged one!
Onward, brave hearts, and banish fright;
Put terror on the shelf ;
For now the foeman is in sight-
The wild Cheyenne himself !
He sat upon the verdant award,
His pipe was in his hand,
His heartless back was turned toward
Columbia's gallant band.
Awhile they pause-although they burn
To try the battle's 1 -ck,
What if the savage foe should turn
Before their blow was struck ?
No Let the rash and reckless meet
The fate they seek, and die !-
They fixed to beat a safe retreat
Before they caught his eye.
Of those who started, strong and well-
A good three hundred men-
Three hundred only lived to tell
About the wild Cheyenne ;
But when with proud triumphant eye
Their bold account they gave,
Columbia heaved a joyous sigh
To think her sons were brave I!
P'lice Look at This.
THE spread of Nihilism has caused the Czar to make an increase in
the political police to the number of 1,200 men. Then how can it be
any longer said, Ez nihilo nihil fit, when Nihilism has made 1,200
extra policemen ?
Oh for a Schoolmaster!
RcmEqTLY a burglary was committed at a house near Thurso. The
newspaper account states there were six male men in the house."
Could the writer of that line educate us where to find half-a-dozen
of any other sort ?
A Crowning Indignity.
THE Crown Prince of Austria has written a book. Some of his
brother princes think it very lud-olph him to do it. By the way, is
the book illustrated with crown prints, we wonder ?
A (G)loom-y Look-out.
NOTICES have been posted in numerous cotton-mills at Middleton of
a five per cent. reduction of wages. Then we fear still worse is
"looming" in this district.
An Eggshellent Idea.
THa latest'Yankee notion is the manufacture of artificial eggs. It
requires close eggshamiination to detect the imposture, as they are a
well-nigh eggsact imitation.
Winning the Trick.
CAN the nobleman who wins the distinction of St. Pa-" trick" be
said to gain an additional honour"?
50 FUN. [JAN. 29, 1879.
First Customer (going to be married):-" WHAT IS THE COERECT THING FOR MB TO HAVE FOR MY WEDDING?"
Tailor's Assistant :-" F-oc COAT-BLUE, WITH WHITE EST AND LIGHT TROUSERS."
Second Customer (who is to be best man):-" AND WHAT SHOULD THE groomsman WEAR"
Tailor's Assistant (evidently labouring under an error):-" OH, THE usual livery, BIR !
A MONODY ON MONEY. A "FINE" AFFAIR.
DEDICATED TO OUR "YVEy" PARTICULAR BANKERS. A NOBLE Lord," at the play, showing off his airs,
Ixowa bank" where busy men are dailyJaw'd a man, hit a man, pushed one on the stairs;
Over their books with earnest zeal from ten o'clock till four, So the worthy magistrate fined t him ten p llounds.
From whose retreat are issued forth more rich and treasured notes the worthy magistrate fined him ten pound.
Than ever have been known to come from sweetest song-birds' throats.
Where crowns abound, and sov'reigns rule the place with despot sway, WHEN a family pudding is made, who is left to carve it ?
For no one there will check their power, so well beloved are they.
There seems a money mania for everything that's dear, Now Ready, the Thirty-fifth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
And, strange as it may seem, I've heard that far-things here are near. TWENTY-EIGHTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Cleopatra drnk pearls, they say, but here she is outvied, Magenta Cloth 4s. d.; post free, 5s. Cases, for binding s. d. each.
If pork they wish they've guinea pigs; if beef, the silver side. Also Reading Cases, 1s. 6d. each.
Their drink is pure aqua d'ora, and I have heard it's true
Their servant men are Bills and Franks, their housemaid is a Sou. Vow Beady, demy 4to. boards, Two Shillings and Sixpence,
And now, before I end my lay, I ought to make it known THE BRITISH WORKING MAN
That though this bank is always thronged, each one may get a-lo2n; By ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEV IN HM.
And though these bankers care for gold, it never can be said BA ONB kecO b OEB NOT l EnrVE N aIM.
Matter-o'-money it will be if ever they are wed. And other Sketches by T. F. Sullivan. Engraved by alsiel Brothers.
The Designs of MR. SULLIVAN appear from week to week in the pages of
Wrion on +te c of i "FUN." In compliance with numerous requests, a first installment, in a
Wrong on the Face of it. collected form, is now produced under the title of The British
A WOMAN can never be tempted to face a frowning world] in time of Working Man," which willbe followed by second collection-" The
adversity unless her husband gives her a new bonnet to face it in. British Tradesman, and Other Sketches."
SUIT ALL CADB R -S
OVER r PEN fi 3L I
200 2/6. S 1eo. Po.CArEnNoC TaR E L U I
PATTERNS. !"* .... WI A" g ZX|
Sold by all Stbatlonsr In id.. 1.., nd Gro,. Bole.. Bend 7 .tm.,. for an PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
bte o. o 1WTl'Ck toboh. CAHe to.-if)e thi7*. in ts v it peroo* nsditios.n vhst"m.
Printed by JsD & CO., Phnixi "WorkLL t. Arew's i, Door Common an he (for the Proprietor at t teeth, ..-Lonon a 29, 87
Printed by J rea & CO., Phcenix Works. St. Andrew's Hl, Doctors' Commons, and Publshed (for the Proprietors) at 165, Meet Street, B.C.-London, 3515517 29, IM.
FROM MOUTH TO MOUTH.
Mary:-" Oer,"SssY THIS TIRESOME LOOSE IOOTH I DECLARE I'LL PULL IT OUT!"
Sissy :-" OH, NO, MARY, PRAY DON'T. MA'LL MAKE Mae WEAR IT." [Sis8y age's all her sister's cast-ofs.
EVENINGS AT HOME.
WHAT enjoyments await us, my own little wife,
On a cheery though cold winter eve '-
There be charms in the calmly sedate married life
That the bachelor cannot conceive.
There are cards-there is chess-there is music, you know;
Say the word, my love,-what shall it be ?
(While you make up your mind let us banish below
The remains of the toast and the tea.)
I concur with you, dearest; a song would be best.
Could you give me The Mistletoe Bough ?
'Tis a trifle old-fashioned, it must be confess'd,
But I think I should relish it now.
All your new-fangled lyrics I cannot endure ;
But I do love a ballad like that.-
By the way, what a nuisance it is, to be sure,
That you sing so confoundedly flat.
Nay, it strikes me, my darling, you're scarce in the vein
To indulge me by warbling to-night.
Let us fly to the board and the chessmen again,
As a source of unfailing delight.
I'm a novice, I grant it; and only can play
In the strictly conventional grooves;-
Yet I'm far above you, dear, I safely can say,
For I think that you just "know the moves."
Let us put up the chess, love, and pull out the cards:
To play whist one is always inclined.
(Double-dummy is equal in many regards
To the four-handed rubber, you'll find.)
Once again I must warn you of one little thing
That you rarely remember, I fear ;-
You should seldom, if ever, lead off with a king
When the ace is against you, my dear.
What a pity !-The music was not a success-
('Tis the fault of our Collard, no doubt;)
We could hardly contrive to get on with our chess
(What on earth could your queen be about ?)
There's a sameness in whidt when one cannot but get
The two trebles and also the rub.-
Nevel mind: let us wait for to-morrow, my pet.-
Come and kiss me. I'm off to the club !
IT is said that the fall of Candahar has created a difficulty in the
Cabinet. Lord Beaconsfield desires to annex the town and
territory on the basis of the scientific frontier principle, but Mr. Cross,
with a discreet caution, declares that Parliament must be consulted in
the matter. We certainly must compliment the Home Secretary if he
has succeeded in making the Premier play the game Crosi purposes,"
for we have no hesitation in affirming that if the Cabinet were to annex
any territory upon their own responsibility there would be annez-
ON Wednesday last Doctors Maldon and Macdonnell, of the Dublin
Hospital, performed a most marvellous operation. They injected a
pint of milk fresh from the cow into the veins of a dying man, and he
has since recovered. An incorrigible contributor, whose vein of humour
suggests an absence of the milk of human kindness, considers that for
the future we ought to look more favourably upon Cow-heels.
THE success of our gallant little army in Afghanistan is not to be
wondered at when we hear that good Luck is with it.
GAS-TRIC SPECTACLE. Electric Lights. (Cat opinion of the
" lights"--Mi-a-au-ow !)
FEB. 5, 1879.]
THE NEW CALLING FOR ALL CLASSES.
HAD fallen into a Rip Van
Winkle doze (which is a
favourite kind of doze
with comic writers in cer-
tain exigencies of story-
telling); and when I
awoke and rubbed my
S eyes, it was about ten
years or so hence-about
the year 1889, if I am
nI ot mistaken. I was stiff
Sas I arose; I was surprised
SI at the change in every-
SI thing, as the invariable
I custom is among us comic
S writers under similar con-
ditions; so let us pass over
all these matters.
S\ I returned to my house,
and let myself in with my
S key; but never in all
f -/-- -- -- my experiences of magic
S\ sleeps, have 1 awaked to
find things in so shame-
fully neglected and dusty a condition as I found them in my house
then. So I rang for the domestic: but as there was no answer,
I went downstairs, and found no signs of any domestic whatever.
It was half-past nine in the morning, so I wanted my breakfast, and
was just ascending the stairs again in a great rage when my wife
(who I afterwards learned had been away on a visit to her mother
during my longish sleep) entered the house with her key.
Good morning," I said. WHBRE's the servant-I want my
breakfast, for it's time I started for the city." (I am a comic writer
in the evening, but I am engaged in the City from ten till five in the
daytime.) They'll be wondering why I have not been at my desk
all these years, and filling my place. WHERB's the servant ?"
Good morning. You have been dozing I" said my wife. There are
no servants now-things have changed-everyone does his own work
-I will get your breakfast while you clean your boots."
I was used to the queer things which take place during these
Winkle-dozes, so merely said humphh!" (or "umph !" I forget which),
and began cleaning my boots.
"What are the meetings about to-day F" asked my wife.
"Meetings r" I said.
"Do you protest,' or consider,' or submit for consideration,' or
"I do not follow you," I said.
"Oh, of course," said my wife, you've been asleep. You haven't
to attend the office now, you know-you seem puzzled. You had
better call for Mr. Brown and let him explain everything to you."
Brown was a friend who had a post at the same city office as I, and
I had been in the habit of calling for him every morning, when we
would proceed to town together. So I finished my breakfast and
called on Brown-he was just taking leave of Mrs. Brown.
"I shall be home at the usual time, my love," he was saying;
"'Railway Passengers' Defence" at 10, Purchasers' Vigilance' at
11.30, Cab-Hirers' Mutual' at 12.15, after that a bit of lunch, Tea
Consumers' Rights Preservation' at 3, and 'General Protest,' and
' atepayers' Grievance' after that, and then home to dinner.
Ha, Lugh !" (my full name is Lugh-Gubrius, a name borne by my
ancestors-all comic writers-for centuries) ; what are your meet-
ings to-day ?"
"I have no time for meetings-I'm off to the office; they'll be
The office ?" said Brown. "Oh, ah-you've been dozing again.
We've no business in the City now-all the offices are closed-all places
of business are closed-shops and everything-there's none of what we
used to call business now."
"Well, but people must have employment ? "
"Oh, they have plenty of employment."
"But what sort of employment ? I said.
"That depends upon their station in life, and circumstances, and all
that; you and I, for instance, who belong to the middle class and
form the mass of the public have become merged in the great body
of 'Protesters'-our business in life being to hold meetings,
principally for the purpose of protesting against the action taken by
all the other classes in all sorts of matters. Why, this state of things
must have been in rather more than its infancy in the year you went
to sleep in- 1879, wasn't it? Were there not Employers' Defence
Associations,' and 'Workmen's Defence Leagues,' and Railway
Passengers' Vigilance Committees,' and so forth, then ?"
"Yes, so there ware-but they did not form the sole business of
people's lives- "
[FBa. 5, 1819.
"No, but they formed a precious large portion of it even then.
Well, the thing went on increasing, until, in the natural course, people
had not time to devote to any other employment except attending
meetings for the furtherance of their interests-so they had to give up
the interests, and confine themselves to the meetings for furthering
"' Well, and old Ballence" (our employer in town), "if he has
closed the office, what is his business now F "
He attends the meetings of the City Employers' Defence Asso-
ciation' all day."
But how does he manage to make his living-to live, in fact ?"
My friend Brown was silent on this point.
And we-you and I and our class in general-what do we do?" I
"We meet all day, and stand up for our interests through thick and
But I mean how do we manage to live F"
Brown was again silent. I began to think there must be something
improbable about the state of things I am relating.
1 strolled homewards, puzzled, and wandered over my house. It was
sadly in need of repair, and, having no servant to send and nothing to
do, I went round to see a carpenter whom I had often employed
"I want you to do some carpentering," I said.
The man opened his eyes. I ain't got no time for carpentering,"
he said; I've got to attend the Carpenters' Wages Elevation
League to defend my interests."
What interests I asked calmly.
This was an unexpected poser. The man was silent. My feeling
of a vague improbability in this story strengthened.
I shall employ another carpenter," I saw threateningly.
"Can't git one," he replied; "they've all got their business to
I said a strong, rude, low-class word, and went home in a bad
Why do we burn wood, which does not give half the heat of
coal F" I asked my- wife.
Because one has to go so far to fetch the coals, and one has not
always the time to go to Northumberland, nor always the inclination
to go down and dig."
Go down and dig !" I screamed. "Where are the colliers ?"
"The colliers have their business to attend to-the Coal Getters'
Defence Association.' If you had not been so sleepy you would have
known that everybody has to do everything for himself nowadays,
because other people have their businesses to attend to, and cannot
wait upon him. You might just go and get up a few coals-you don't
have to pay for them. You can help yourself to what you like nowa-
days-that's one comfort."
"But what do the owners sayF Isn't it robbing them F"
They are looking after their interests, and have little time to think
about people robbing them."
I was now in a towering rage about all this. 1 rushed out to buy an
ounce of tobacco to soothe myself with. I met the tobacconist
Ounce of birdseye," I growled.
No time to sell birdseye," said the tobacconist; I'm off to look
after my interests-the interests of trade. Going to a meeting to pro-
test against the co-operative stores."
I clutched the man by the throat.
How do you manage to live ?" I yelled.
As I had expected, the man was silent-puzzled.
"Answer me." I said threateningly, for the feeling of gross
absurdity in the state of things I am describing had grown horribly
Answer !" I repeated, throwing him down. Is not the whole
affair an impossible, an ABSURD STATE OF THINGS? "
The man was fairly cornered. Well," he murmured, "it is. We
certainly can't live under such circumstances. You should never have
written a story setting forth such an absurd state of things !"
The story is founded," I said solemnly, on an ABSUID STATE OF
THINGS. Have you read the newspapers during 1878-79 r" He was
silent-he was convinced.
But it is harder to convince some people.
More than they Wanted.
ON Wednesday two gangs of uaen who had been bellowing out
"We've got no work to do," but upon whom was found 14s. 6d. and
o15s. respectively, were charged with begging, and committed by Mr.
Paget for 7 days, with hard labour. During the next week, therefore,
they will have plenty of work to do.
THE Mad Hatter" wants to know when Lady Day's husband
became a knight.
How TO WATEPRaOOF BooTs.-Send him your mackintosh.
ONLY HALF A PRESENT.
Sharp Old Lady :-" Yes, miss, very kind of your ma, but a.
cookery-book is no good to them who ain't got nothing to cook."
ADDRESS TO A DRESS COAT.
Or my best cherished relics well guarded with care,
There is one which is neither rich, comely, nor rare ;
Though but few who might view it would think it worth note,
Still I love my worn white-seamed old swallow-tail coat.,
Ah the day I first donned it and wore it with glee,
And in youthful conceit thought the world's eyes on me !
How I swaggered and swelled as I opened the door,
To be smiled on by some, to be laughed at by more.
It has witnessed scenes many and follies a few,
But I really forget when this old coat was new,
When its buttons were on and its collar was black,
And it gracefully fitted the curve of my back.
But I know 'twas this buttonhole ragged and torn
That a rose from her bosom one night did adorn
When we swore to be true-oh, how mocking is Fate !
Still I'm single-and she ?-she's the mother of eight.
It was later than this-no, I think 'twas before-
On this arm there once rested a hand to adore;
But I lost eight of her in the world's restless tide--
I think somebody said that she somehow had died.
How I dwell on the memories summoned at will,
Of the times long gone by but which cling to it still!
All the thoughts that are thronging I hardly dare quote
As I gaze on my threadbare old swallow-tail coat.
What's this stain down the front ? Is it blood ? I opine
'1'is the juice of the grape, 'tis my dear old friend's wine
That was spilt on that night when on mad frolic bent
Our coin, time, and health in wild revel we spent.
And those friends, where are they ? One my deadliest foe,
And another his time serves at Portland, I know.
Some are married, and some I shall never more meet,
While to-day my old host begged a loan in the street.
'Twas this coat at the theatre I wore when I lost
Half my heart to a dancer, nor thought of the cost;
On this shoulder she rested her snowy white brow,
Yes; the mark of the pearl powder's there on it now.
Once these pockets were emptied of largish amount
By a night at piquet with that young Russian Count.
I shall never forget what a lesson I got
When I thought I was clever and found I was not.
Yet I sigh as I wander in fancy among
All those scenes of long since when my tail-coat was young ;
And as now I approach to the end of life's span,
I allow I'm a pour stupid; sanuffy, old man.
Yet for aye 'mongst my relics and guarded with care
Is the coat which I never again mean to wear.
Many thoughts by its aid through my memory float
Which endear my old threadbare-worn swallow-tail coat.
SPORT AND THE DRAMA.
THE CAVE, last Monday.
DEAR PUBLIC AND NOBLE PATRONS,-The period has come round
when it is about time I appeared once more before you. You will per-
ceive that I have gone in for a brand-new title. Nor is that the only
novelty with which I hope to startle your minds during the ensuing
season. Hitherto I have exerted my great prophetic gilts in too con-
fined a space-too limited a sphere. On the authority of the great
lexicographer "-and here's wishing I could pull the nose of the self-
satisfied, ponderous rough !-(or is it the less obtrusive Mavor that
makes the observation ?)-we know that the horse is a noble animal
and very useful to man," especially the betting man. But to confine
one's notice entirely to that animal, however marked its nobleness or
varied its usefulness, has a tendency to narrow the sympathies, warp
the judgment, and render one, from the hossiness" of one's ideas,
unfit for general society. Trophonius has been frequently told that
he is unfit for general society !-whieh he attributes entirely to his
having treated sport solely from a "hossy" point of view. Now, if
the prophet desires anything in this world it is to shine in society-a
ceremony he feels himself eminently fitted to perform; therefore he
intends turning over a new leaf, and during the ensuing season treating
sporting matters with a less Conservative exclusiveness (as becomes a
contributor to the best Liberal paper), in which he will be aided by
a'talented staff of assistants exclusively engaged by himself.
RACING AND STEEPLECHASING
Will receive every attention, as hitherto, the chasing of the steeples
having been placed in the hands of a practised monumental engraver.
Will have especial attention-Trophonius being hand-and-glove
with some of the first professors of the art.
Will be regularly attended to, and the latest quotations of the
Matrimonial Market carefully noted and duly chronicled.
In all its branches-also all its hedges and ditches-will be treated
in a popular style, so that he that runs may read.
Will be energetically followed up.
Will be under the immediate superintendence of the 'oary-headed
prophet himself. (N.B.-I have some good things. Bend stamps).
By a great Walker, one of the Hookey branch of that illustrious
I don't much care about myself, but will send one of my lady
assistants-they having a taste for foot balls (music and partners being
satisfactory, of course).
In the able hands of one connected with the Field, will receive due
prominence, the stumps in every match of importance being carefully
drawn by our own artist.
Shall be attended to by another lady of my staff, a spinster-in
other words, a miss in balk And
If managers like to send me invitations direct, shall be attended to
when I have time.
If any reader thinks I have not promised enough, let him inform me
what he wants, and it shall be promised next week.
Finally, my noble patrons, I shall in future address you directly,
and not through the Editor, who, although not bad, as editors go, is
nowhere when sport is on the tapis. Be good enough also, my noble
patrons, to address all letters to the prophet marked "private "-be
very careful of this when stamps or game are enclosed.-I am, &c.,
P.S.-Keep your eye on Cambridge for the boat-race, and don't take
any notice of Peter for the DERBY.
P.S. 2.-CAuTIoN.-Trophonius having been informed that bets are
made in his name at race-meetings, begs to announce that he is never
at any time represented on the race-course, nor does he ever go
P.S. 3.-THe is too well known !
Right to a T."
THE addition of the names of the men drowned in bringing home
the Cleopatra to those names already appearing on the base of the
Needle will make it more like an obelist" than an obelisk."
To THE Six CLERKS IN CHANOmEY.-How are your poor heads?
FEB. 5, 1879.]
"Such a lar
TU N [FB. 5, 1879
AN UNPRECEDENTED LARKI
(Deicated to the young gentlemen who are such good customers to the Humane Society.)
k we 'ad-me an' Tom an' 'Any I Wouldn't come off the ice when it was a-givin' way, an' dodged the pellice all over the shop! "
uch a lark e all tumbled e did anad a reg rowd a-ri their lives to save ou
z F7 ,,=
_-_ __ 0IPTAL .
r I1 --- -- I --
BucHa lark! I wet an' 'ad rooatiever;an' Tom wentan ad a shock this system and neither of us ain't right yet, and ain'tnever likely to be agin!
And, as to 'Airy, there was a inquest on, m and another on the 'Umane Serciety cove as tried to save 'irn. Such a lark I I
FTJN .-FEB. 5, 1879.
AN AWFUL EXAMPLE.
THERE was a most cheeky Zulu; Shere Ali cried, Mind what you do.
I have tried the same game, to my infinite shame,
And you will get sat upon too." [Nursery Bhymes for Little Niggers.
FEE 0, 1879.) FP UJIN .
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON WESTON'S TRACK.
1 SHOULD like Central Africa, sir, to clearly understand that the
delay in the starting of my expedition is in no wise due to any hesi-
tation or change of front on my part. If the approaching spring finds
the people of that interesting and ivory-producing region still devoid
of the diaper pinafore and the huckaback jack towel, I should like
them to know that it is to your perfectly justifiable, though somewhat
high-handed, interference, sir, they owe their continued non-acquaint-
ance with those sweet boons of advanced civilization. I should be
glad, therefore, if Timbuctoo and Ujiji papers will kindly copy.
It may further interest Central Africa to learn that my extra-special
visit is put off in the interests of pedestrianism in general and of Mr.
Edward Payson Weston, accompanied by Mr. D'Oyly Cart in a 'bus,
in particular. And I must say, sir, that much as I regret the post-
ponement of my calico-spreading mission, I rejoice that it has been
delayed for such a noble and, if I may say so, such a soul-compelling
Your instructions, sir, were brief, but to the purpose. Weston is
on his walk !" said you, with a gleaming eye. "He is !" said I, my
heart wildly beating the while, "he is!" "Then follow him,"
said you, with both eyes gleaming this time, follow him, forthwith !
You will find him in the Weston counties !"
Then, as you may remember, I commended my wife and family to
your considerate notice, in case I perished beneath the wheels of the
ever-rumbling omnibus of Fate and D'Oyly Cart, and sprang out with
a whoop of determination into the wild, dark night!
(It was 2.30 p.m., and light for the time of day; but no matter.-
The shades of night were falling fast and furiously upon the ice-clad
roads of fair Devonia as a weird figure might have been seen-after
vainly swarming up the pole of the direction-post and trying to read
its legend by the aid of a pocket microscope-gallantly taking the
wrong turning to Modbury.
It was an anxious moment for that weird figure, for as yet he had
failed to come up with the Astleyan Pet," and had so far not even
overtaken the Cart or the 'bus which accompanied him on heavy
wheels, like indigestion following on the heels of appetite. (This
metaphor is copyrighted and entered as A 1 copper-bottomed at
Lloyd's for 15 years.-Y. E.-S. R.)
To remove unnecessary mystery, this paper not being the London
Journal, let me add that I was the weird figure, and that in taking the
wrong turning to Modbury I had unconsciously done right. For ere
I had gone many paces a still weirder figure came towards me out of
the night. It was clad in black small-clothes and silk stockings, in
pumps with silver buckles, a plum-coloured jacket of velvet, a brigand
hat with the best part of a peacock's tail in it, a frilled shirt radiant
with brooches, and a sprigged waistceat of a thrilling pattern.
I was much overcome at first.. Why, surely," I exclaimed, when
I at last got breath, "that bat, those feathers, them shoe-buckles (I
am apt to be ungrammatical in moments of intense emotion)! It
must be ; it is--l"
I guess you're right, stranger," returned the weirder figure; I'm
the man, and no mistake. Here's my teetotal medal !" With that
he produced a metallic something from his breast-pocket that looked
in the dim light like a pocket moon or portable warming-pan, and I
looked again with renewed interest at its owner's pair of pumps.
But ere I could ask him if one was for hard water and the other for
soft, the sound of many voices came out of the darkness, and in
another moment I was nursing my left foot and caressing the portion
more particularly run over by a young man who had shot by on a
bicycle. But not for long! for in another few seconds I was des-
perately dodging an advancing 'bus, through the windows of which I
could see several ghastly and phantom-like faces peering anxiously
into the murky gloom.
It was a rare opportunity for the brush of an artist of the Gustave
Dord school, especially when, catching sight of the man in the buckles
and peacock feathers, the youth with the bicycle, the ghastly-faced
passengers in the 'bus, the driver of the same, two farmers in a gig
who had followed on, and a promiscuous mob of some eight-and-thirty
Devonshire rustics (more or less) exclaimed, with the unanimity of
supers and in a stage whisper, Oh, Weston, Weston, you've taken
the wrong turning again, you have !"
I saw it all in a moment, and feeling it was a time to dissemble, hid
myself with commendable presence of mind underneath the seat of
Then we moved on into the dark and murky night I!
I think this is a capital place to leave off, sir, don't you ?
A Drawn Game.
BRET HARTE is about to make a lecture tour in this country. The
American papers say he will be sure to "draw"-with chalk, we
presume, on a black board ?
GARDENING FOR THE MONTHS.
HINTS TO AMATEURS.
TIE in climbers on your walls. If they are little boys, play wpon
them with your garden hose. Supply other climbers with pots; your
chimney-sweep will probably prefer a pot of porter. Do not let your
ranunculuses, however, have any superfluous moisture. Sow lawns
with sand, but do not expect a crop of sandwort. Cover your beds
with straw (we do not mean indoors); it is unreasonable to expect to
gather where you have not strawed. Heat dahlia roots. If your
garden-help is a cockney and inexperienced, do not order him to do so,
er he may take the:.- home and boil them instead of potatoes. As moqt
probably you have left a good deal of your winter work undone, bid
him do it all now, and make haste about it. Make your selection of
annuals. Hood's Comic is a very striking one, full of curiously
variegated leaves. No wonder it has been for years a popular favourite.
Look to your thrift at once, if it is anywhere failing. Do not consider
it any disgrace to be called an assiduous trimmer. Order the choicest
novelties at the cheapest rates. We sincerely wish you may get
This is an excellent time for forming mushroom beds; remember
that the vegetable, like the social, fungus, has no love of light or
sweetness, and so long as it can preserve its position, breathes con-
tentedly the closest air. As broad-beans sowing in February is for
suceseional purposes, we advise you to select Monarchs and Royal
Dwarfs. For cabbages to be eaten with pork, probably the Ham
variety would prove the most suitable. Of lettuces we select the Cos,
if only to give our readers an opportunity of enquiring cos why ?"
The French Breakfast is the radish we should choose; if only one of
these comes up, you will have a meal, that excellent one, a French
breakfast. In selecting peas for your second sowing, remember that
the kitchen garden is not the hunting field-the heavier the cropper
the better. In celery it is scarcely possible to make a mistake, since
every variety is Matchless, Incomparable, Superb, Nonsuch, &c. Devote
considerable space to cress, but remember that English is just as good
as French to make your field of operations cressy. Nail walnut trees,
if you can do so without getting locked up. Bow seeds of forest trees,
and hopefully look forward to the time when your back garden will
rank with the backwoods.
NO GOOD WISHING.
WITH a frame fall of aches, and a heart full of sorrow,
I crawl on my mission of woe.
My regrets of to-day, and my fears for to-morrow
Pursue me where'er I may go.
And the night never brings to me solace or quiet-
No comfort arrives at the morn;
For my sighs and my tears are my soul's bitter diet.-
I wish that I'd never been born I
Yet there once was a time when the bonds of affection
About my soft heart were entwined.
(She was fair-to the best of my fond recollection-
Or, if she was dark, never mind). fr-nI*,.-
But, alas! from these eager though boyish embraces
My Anna Maria was torn;
And she vanished, forgetting to leave any traces.-
I wish that I'd never been born 1
Long ago did I nurture my dreams of ambition,
Besieged by a longing sublime
To achieve among poets my proper position,
And rank as a monarch in rhyme.
All faded and flown are the hopes that I cherished;
Our editors laugh me to scorn;
And my courage has died as my chances have perished.-
I wish that I'd never been born!
In my deepest of depths, though all else was denied mc,
I fancied I still had a friend;
A companion to pass through my struggles beside me,
And light up my life till its end.
But the friendship I deemed on so solid a basis
Hath fleeted and left me forlorn ;
And my life is a desert without an oasis.-
I wish that I'd never been born !
THE recovery of the apparently drowned is a branch of the
curative art that might be undertaken, one would think, by a wet'nn-
inary surgeon. _
QUEER DISH.-Potatoes fried in shavings. It would take a deal to
make us like it.
58 F U N o [FE. 5, 1879.
FOR the forthcoming production of New
Babylon at the Duke's, Messrs. Holt and
Wilmot have engaged Miss Caroline Hill,
who will doubtless prove a valleyable acquisi-
tion. In order to distinguish this lady from
anyone else of the same name, she might be
alluded to as Holborn Hill.
On Saturday, the 15th of February, Mr.
Hare will commence at the Court Theatre a
series of matinees of Standard plays. To
keep pace with the Times, seats booked by
STelegraph or the Morning Post will be duly
't Chronicled. How's that for Huy?
e aThe new drama in preparation at the
e Adelphi is by Messrs. Clement Scott and E.
MIanuel, will be entitled Crimson" ross,
and produced when the house has been re-
decorated and found to be reddy.
Mr. Byron's new comedy at the Gaiety,
-I. Uncle, suggests capital situations, and any
amount of iateret. The subject is one that
lMr. Byron will be at home in, for he always
makes his characters spout funny things, and,
in fact, is the most popular writer we have.
On the afternoons of Feb. 8th, 15th, and
22nd, Miss Jenny Lee will appear at the
Gaiety as Jo. It will be a novelty for this
theatre to have a Bleak House appearance, but
we have no doubt the entertainment will be
very Jo- Lee.
Mr. James Mortimer has taken the Royalty
ail nd commenced his management on the 3rd
_February with A Gay Deceiver and The Little
Treasure, or rather vice versa, for, of course,
EXAMPLE AND PRECEPT. A Gay Deceiver would be sure to come after
(Mrs. W Drinkwater's lady friends have come up to the Vicarage to take a cup of tea and to talk The Lattle Treasure.
over the subject of social reform. Mrs. B. was speaking fluently about the drinking habits of
the villagers, when Auntie directed Mrs. D.'s attention to the front garden, where Master D., aged A Strong Coalition.
nine, was turning summersaults in the snow.) 8,792,000 tons of coal were brought into
Mrs. D. (rushing excitedly to the window) :-" NoRsE I GIRL! WHAT is THAT DEAR Boy London last year. What an ash-ton-ishing
DOING OT THERE IN THE SNOW WITHOUT HIS SHOES AND STOCKINGs quantity No wonder we are so coal'd !
Nurse:-" PLEASE, MkHA, HE SAYS HE WANTS TO CATCH A PROPER COLD AND A COUGw,
THEN HE'LL BE LIKE AUNTIE, AND HAVE A JOLLY 'OT GLASS OF WHISKY BEFORE HE GOES TO AN ELEcTRIC LIGHT. Electro-bi-ology
nED, MA'AM." [ Collapse of Auntie, who pinched Master .D. twice when taking him to bed. means buying electro-plate.
WESTON ON WALKING. down. There was another walk, too, known as the rope-walk, which,
As several of the great pedestrian's lectures have not yet been again, had nothing in common with his, as he begged leave to say
reported, and many that have been so bear a strong resemblance to there would be no roping in his walk, the same not being in his line;
one another, the following, which has been sent us by a valued corre- but thoso who had entrusted their money and their hopes to him might
spondent, will possibly prove acceptable as expressing some novel and cordially believe in the success of their (r)operations. He had heard,
hitherto unrecorded views of the lecturer upon the subject. The time moreover, of a walk of art, which he understood was frequented by
and place of delivery are somehow omitted by our reporter, but thiso professional beauties and photographers; but he wouldn't detain them
we apprehend, willo detract but little from the interest of the lecture, any longer this evening, as he had another little walk before him
eOur correspondent says ul:-t fo the eo e recently, viz, to walk into a couple of chops and a glass of some-
The lecturer, who was loudly cheered and received with cries of thing hot before he retired for the night. In conclusion, Mr.
Walker," opened his discourse with the happy remark that they had Weston stated that when the fifty lectures had been delivered, and
met that evening to consider, not an Eastern hbut a Wveston question, his journey completed, they would be published in a track form.
which he had no doubt they would find much less difficult to deal with
than the other-he might say, more track-table. (Cheers.) Then TH C i Co
starting from the commencement of his route, which he said was in- THE COM I NG CLOCK.
tended to be henceforth known as the Great Weston line, he proceeded To all things mundane comes an end
to give a humorous account of the opening incidents of the journey. With Time, so runs an ancient saying,
The 'bus containing the judges couldn't follow, the snow being so To which our Law Courts seem to lend
deep that they said it was snow go; but one of the party more fly than Exception by their long delaying;
the others handsomely took a cab, declaring he would follow Weston, But even to this "legal block"
four-wheeler, woa! Pursuing his way through the pleasant county An end approaches-with a clock.
of Kent, the Kentishmen, crowding round him at every town and Behold our lawyers, true to trade,
village, took exception to his style of going. "Why, he's lame !" And from their practice seldom swerving,
they said, "he Kent do it." Disregarding these Kentenkerous re- Ere they depart from Big Ben's shade,
marks, he Kentinued on his way, and presently putting a good payse- "For further time" a summons serving,
on Weston completed his first day's journey y. Resuming the track the And soon these black sheep all will flock
second day,trvn o d the snow was so deep that they missedeneat the comroad, but after o se b a he ing clock.
forming a committee of ways and means, and taking a run on a bank,
they got out of the difficulty capitally. So much for his adventures thus Ev'n as the bees love summer flow'ra,
far; he would now offer a few words on the different varieties of walks Not for their beauty, but their honey,
that were to be found in everyday life. There was one very generally So legal minds regard the hours,
known, called the milk walk, to which he drew their attention as having For Time is brief, and brief" spells money"
nothing to do with his walk, though the betting men he knew were And therefore legal lights, ad hoc
ndustriously striving to milk the public over it. Indeed, he might Will venerate the coming clock.
say there was a great deal too much speculation on the event; he had
seen lots of hedging going on on either side of the road all the way REHEDY FOR SQ'JINTING.-Lok straight before you.
FEB. 5, 1879.]
IMPROVING THE LAW.
TIME.-Some Centuries Ago.
Two DIsPUTANTs (knocking at the door of the King's Palace).
We've a difference to settle
Quite a broad and simple thing;
While we're on our wrangling mettle
We should like to see the king. (Rat, tat, tats.)
THE DOORKEEPER (opening). Good I The King, no suitor scorning,
Gives his hearings ev'ry morning
(Holding it a sin to peck" first)
Ere he goes and has his brekfirst.
Doff your hats!
(They are ushered into the presence of THE KING. They state their case.)
DISPUTANTS. That, 0 Sire's our case precisely;
Neither means to budge a foot.
THE KING. Very plainly, briefly, nicely,
And intelligibly put!
As my poor judicial vision
Sees it, this is my decision.
(Gives it, and the thing is settled. The DISPUTANTS bow and retire.)
THE DISPUTANTS (going home). Though the judgment doesn't satter-
Sfy the party judged as wrong,
There's a finish to the matter,
And it hasn't taken long.
(Time flies until it alights upon the Nineteenth Century.)
Two DISPUTANTS (descended from the former two, and, by some chance,
entirely ignorant of the improved state of the Law), knocking at the door
of the Queen's Palace.
We've a difference to settle,
Simplest matter ever seen;
While we're on our wrangling mettle
We should like to see the Queen. (Rat, tat, tats.)
THE DooRxEEzr. What ? The monarch's proper place is
Seemingly to you unknown, eh F
Fancy her a-hearing casis
In her proprid personal!
You must be a simple lot to
Think of such unheard-of fudge!
You must lay the what you've got to
Argyfy, before a judge.
(Aside.) Perfect flats !
(THE Two DISPUTANTS go of and appear before a JUDGE. They state
DISPUTANTS. That, my lord's, our case, severely
Down to simplest statements cat.
THE JUDGE (with horror). Bless my soul! It's far too clearly
And intelligible put!
Law, by nature complicated,
Has no notion how to deal
With a case so simply stated
As the one that you reveal!
Owing to its education,
Any proper legal mind
Couldn't grasp a plain narration
Of this very simple hind.
Useless thus proceeding blindly-
Give some barristers the cue;
They, no doubt, will very kindly
Complicate the case for you.
No one but a simple noddy"
Thinks the laws that rule the land
Are a thing that everybody,
High and low, can understand!
(THE DISPUTANTS apply to COUNSEL, who willingly give their assistance.)
CHORUS OF CoUNSEL employed. Over this simple and palpable matter,
Skilled in the technical ways of the law
We (with exertion) have managed to scatter
Many a quibble and many a flaw
As to its finish, we've little to fear about
Any such thing, at the least for a year, about,
THE JUDGE. (After a year's arguing of the case.)
Splendid case I I love to con it,
Seeing there occur to me
Fifty laws which bear upon it,
Fifty mortal laws that batter
Into holes this simple matter.
Still the Legislature daily
Frames and passes laws by tons,
Ev'ry fresh enactment gaily
Clashing with the former ones I
Ever adding to their number
Bits of legislative lumber.
THE DISPUTANTS. Thank you, as we now have tasted
All the law that we require,
All our money being wasted
We will gracefully retire,
Right away our hopes have glided,
Now, of seeing this decided.
CHORUS OP LEGAL MINDs. Though the law, as known to-day,
Is a theme for admiration,
Not till years have passed away
Shall it reach the culmination
Of its glorious complication
And its infinite delay
Daily, hourly, set before us,
Some new string of cap and "clause "
Swells the wild chaotic chorus
Of antagonistic laws:
Thoughts of all the muddle coming,
To the brain are quite benumbing!
Happy future generation
Which will see the culmination!
(TnIz again flies forward for a century or two. Two DISPtTANTS,
descended from the original ones, attempt to- But NO I Iz
PICTURE Is TooTERRILE. CURTAIN!)
AT Leominster some scandalous impositions upon the distress fand
have been brought to light, well-to-do tradesmen having sent to the
soup-kitchen for the food intended for the poor. We fail to find
language sufficiently scathing with which to describe our opinion of
such contemptible knavery. The tradesman who thinks it well to do
the starving poor out of their miserable meals must be indeed (or
ought to be) a sorry beggar. We can see no reason why all such
scoundrels should not be imprisoned for obtaining things under false
pretences, more especially as the prison diet would give them plenty
of food-for reflection.
A BooT-IrUL EPITAPH ON A SEAL AND HIS (s)iNm.-Laoe-ese alke--
gone to Boot laces.
[FEB. 5, 1879.
A FIXED STAR.
Heavy Tragedian, and Regular Habitus:-" No, I DON'T WANT ANY LIGHTS. GO AWAY-GO AWAY, MY GOOD MAN; YOU'RE ALWAYS HERE."
Itinerant:-"UMPH! so80 ABE YOU; RECKONED AS ONE O' THE FIXTURES OF THE HOUSE AIN'T TER?"
WE'VE taken our seats, Monsieur Dufaure, and count on an elegant
For this is the house of all others for giving one fun for one's cash,
For this is the house which, though cranky at times and absurd, can't
The actors are always artistic, albeit the play may be trash.
I see that you've had it new-fitted and swept, not regardless of cost,
But prudently, knowing the public must always in fine pay the score ;
You've Kleber and Hoche in the niches, the letters R. F. neatly
The box.keeper's charged to be civil, and leave one alone, which is
Expecting its cues every minute, a company's waiting behind,
Untried as a whole and untutored-a change for the better, we say ;
Our faith's in the power that chose it-a nation that knows its own
Our hope is for just so much knowledge in them who are writing
Le programme, messieurs. Mystic paper I what promises lurk in its
The burlesque of Bourbon pretension, the farce of Orleanist greed ?
Shall broils fill the stage to begin with ? or Bonaparte's acrobat feats?
Shall socialism put on the gloves for a tussle with class and with
Le programme, messieurs. Let the authors be called as they may, do
Produce the old fairy play Mercy, a poem neglected of late,
And which you sublime politicians have not very often rehearsed;
But better be Sticks in that idyl than Cains in the drama of Hate !
The comedy known as Retrenchment, the drama entitled Reform,
And Peace all the time it will stick on the bills, there's your budget
A popular lessee with these should keep favour and interest warm.
And now for the overture, messieurs: that's liberty's own Marseillaise.
Now Beady, demy 4to. boards, Two Shillings and Sixpence,
THE BRITISH WORKING MAN:
BY ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.
And other Sketches by J. F. Sullivan. Engraved by Dalziel Brothers.
The Designs of Ma. SULLIVAN appear from week to week in the pages of
"FUN." In compliance with numerous requests, a first instalment, in a
collected form, is now produced under the title of The British
Working Man," which will be followed by a second collection--" The
British Tradesman, and Other Sketches."
TIANGLE TICK ET.
AC YOUR COA ESSENCE
CTOTT ONS !, PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
C O T TO OTIlEnt. ''*AITION.-IfCoea thickenlinthecpitsrmrilheadtiloftarch.
C. BRANDAUER & CO,'S New registered presss
series of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
select the pattern best suited to your hand.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works. St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, February 5, 1879.
FEE. 12, 1879.]
Before the dawn BRITANNIA rose,
Her eyes with wistful yearning
She stood awhile in listless pose,
A picture of dejected thought.
She whispered softly, Woe is me!
Will nothing ease this heart of mine ?-
O heavy heart !-and can it be
That dawn will bring St. Valentine ?
" The troubled night is long and dark,
Despair can see no dawn at hand,
Malignant War looms, grim and stark,
And Fraud and Famine gripe the land.
How shall I grapple these alone P-
For my protectors show no sign-
O listen, as I make my moan,
And aid me, good St. Valentine !
"You've sent wre many loves before-
Old PAM, unflinching in my cause,
And RupEBT, who (if nothing more)
Respected my unwritten laws,
Then WILLIAM, lightly cast aside
For BEN who coldly lets me pine,"-
She lightly threw her casement wide-
Who now shall be my Valentine F "
A single horseman "pricking fast
Along the road No more despair,
The happy.dawn has come at last 1
And "Motley is the only wear" !
Away with care and grim distress!
A gentle hope begins to shine-
Fun only comes with happiness,
And FuN's BRITANNIA'S valentine.
And hear that Knight of Wisdom's
I dedicate my life to thee;
Times never were so dark as now-
So bright as they shall shortly be.
A garland of Content I'll wreathe
About those happy brows of thine."
" If that be so," she says, I breathe
A blessing on St. Valentine."
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES. effort, as our money's at stake and we admire him. Here-shove him
from behind-trip him up-shy brickbats at his head-that's it.
WALKING MADE DIFFICULT. Hooray! His head's off! Now trample on his body and kick the
bits about-that's good. Now he'll get on better. VWELL!
FIRST ADMIRER OF SPORT. What a wonderful fellow that Weston if he hasn't actually given in and thrown up the task! WELL !-but
is Man of marvellous endurance! Certain to accomplish his task- we said he'd never do it, and we deserve to lose our money.
1 've backed him for a large amount.
SECOND A. Or S. Ah so have I; heaps of money on him. Why,
law! there's no question about his doing it-no question at all! I've BOTANICAL VALENTINES.
made arrangements with myself to accompany him on the track, by For the lassie you love-Angelica, Goldylocks, Nonsuch, Lady's
way of encouraging him. I Tresses.
THIRD A. or S. Well, now, I've had thoughts of doing so too. I'll For your friend at Girton College-Bluebell.
join you. Let's begin by shaking hands with him at the start; I know For a pert little puss-Sauce Alone.
about a thousand other fellows who mean to do it too-it will help him For a fellow who fancies himself better-looling than yourself -
on immensely. Cock's- comb.
FOURTH A. or S. Oh! sure to. I'm surprised at Weston. For a lie-abed-Wake Robin.
All those thousand fellows have violently shaken hands with him -and For a grocer-Cloves.
he complains that it has tired him and that he won't be able to walk For a butcher-Cleavers.
any the better for it. For a fishmonger-Periwinkle.
FJrFH A. OF S. Strange fellow-very I'll just dart across his For a pyrotechnist-Rocket.
track and jump on his toe. I've managed to break his toe; For a policeman-Rattle.
but he actually says that limping delays instead of helps him! I've For a jockey-Spurrey.
no patience with him! For a professor of the noble art-Box.
Sixim A. OF S. Look here, I've managed to trip him up and break For a fencing-master-Pink.
his leg; but he isn't going a bit better for it! What's the use of For a dancing master-Hops.
attempting to encourage a fellow like that? For your housekeeper-Thrift.
SEVENTH A. OF S. Not a bit; it's heartbreaking. Let's shove all For Mrs Grundy-Medlar.
together and smash his ribs in- surely that'lt help him on. That's it For Mr. William Sykes-Dock and Cat's Tail.
-that's done it' IWhy the man actually doesn't like it, and has got
into the omnibus to avoid us! Well, he is a ram 'un; I begin to guardians of the poor will
thinkWE read that a meeting of the Chelsea guardians of the poor will
EIGHTH A. or S. Oh! it's waste of time to try and encourage Ahim be held on February 5th to elect "two lunatic attendants." This
I've driven my cart over him and cut off one of his legs-but he isn't confirms our idea that anybody, to accept such a post, must be mad.
going a bit better, and never thanks me at all." WHEN a man marries a devil of a temper, may he be said to have
CaoRUs OF A S.S.-soe mean, A.'s or S. Well, let's make a final made a lucifer match ?
LFEB. 12, 1879.
F all the gods
I'd like to be the
God of Love;
S It must be bliss
To be a chubby
0 A (Of course it's an
0 accepted truth
Some men were
But, living in this
world of care,
They're not so
chubby as they
How nice to wear
apairof wings I
How nice to shoot
How nice to be
Whose tailors' bill must be so light!
This planetary orb of ours
Owes advolution to his pow'rs,
Or (put in language less profound)
"'Tis love that makes the world go round; "
So let us bow at Cupid's shrine,
The only true Saint Valentine.
The sletch above is meant to prove
That Nature works a single groove,
And love, the subject of my rhymes,
Was known in medieval times.
"Look Upon this Picture and on That."
THAT a prophet is without honour in his own country was very
strikingly illustrated at the Police Court last week, when some English
labourers were imprisoned for stating that they had no work to do;
but an Italian with an accordion, who had sent his child to beg, was
dismissed, and the mendicity officer reprimanded for bringing the
charge. It is really time that such gross injustice should be stopped,
for the leniency with which musical beggars are treated now would
make it look as if our magistrates are suffering from an organic
Growlers in Downing Street.
THE papers have taken of late to tell us how the ministers arrive at
Downing-street for a Cabinet Council. Thus, last week we read,
" Lord J. Manners and the Duke of Northumberland arrived in
four-wheel cabs," and on another occasion that No less than five
of the Ministers drove up in similar vehicles. But surely such a
fact is scarcely worth chronicling. What else could be expected of
those whom we positively call Cabbing-it ministers."
A Nominal Fact.
WE have no artist but Miss Thompson who is specially devoted to
military paintings. Unless, that is, the pictures of the painter of
"The Huguenots," and Chi.l October,' are looked on as being
" Millais-tary ones.
Lucus a non Lucendo.
COPYBIGHT, it would seem, as understood by both artists and
authors, is the right rot to copy any original picture or book.
NOT TO BE OUT-DONE.
"HOW MANY VALENTINES HAVE YOU HAD, DARLING ? OH, SUCH LOTS-JUST TWENTY-SEVEN."
" I'VE HAD TWENTY-EIGHT AT LEAST." OH, I FORGOT, 8O HAVE I-TWENTY-NINE, REALLY; TWO CAME THE NIGHT BEFORE."
" OH, THAT'S NOTHING, DEAR; I'VE HAD 80 MANY, PAPA HAS BEEN OBLIGED TO TIE UP THE KNOCKER."
FzB. 12, 1879.]
REVENGE IS SWEET.
ii ~---- I
1. "It's an ugly one," he thought; and she knows it, and g ins I "
2. "And ridicule is the forerunner of disrespect-my menial will despise
her master. She shall not see it."
8. So he attempted to hide it behind a picture
4. But she would keep dusting that picture.
6. Then he arose in the night;
6. And hid it beneath a mat:
7. But she would keep sweeping that mat.
S. Then he crept down to the kitchen;
9. And in the dresser drawer he found an UULY ONE OF HER.
10. It was his turn now.
ST. VALENTINE'S MORN IN THE OLDEN TIME. (A FRAGMENT.)
I will watch beneath her casement, and wake her with a sonnet," sighed Master Poet.
"I will forth," quoth the knight, and be the first to greet her. But ah what oh !-a
rival I Turn, base Poet, and let me slay thee 1" Whereupon they commenced slaying each
other; but it lasted so long, and their blades made such a clatter, that old Madge, St.
Valentine's lady-help, rushed from kindling the fire, and drove them away.
DRAWN AT A VENTURE.
THAT the drawing of the prizes in the great French Lottery was an arrangement in which
the decision was left purely to chance cannot be doubted, but it was surely necessary to allow
the same element of uncertainty to enter into the repoAts of that drawing. Thus, when the
Standard correspondent writes, The announcement of the number that won the first prize
was received very coldly "; the Daily News that on the same announcement being made,
" There was enthusiastic applause" ; and the Times that "Not one person applauded "; we
are not unnaturally led to assume that for once the correspondents present, carried away by the
force of their surroundings, allowed chance to decide what they should write. It is to be
hoped, though, that, for the sake of the historian of the future, they will not often, whether it
be at a Lottery Drawing or aught else, draw on their imagination for their facts as one or
more of the above must have done.
[FEB. 12, 1879.
Ir your locks were not so yellow,'
And your eyes were not so blue,
I should feel a lucky fellow
To be making up to you.
Yes, your love would be a blessing,
Yet I strive not for the prize
I prefer a girl possessing
Ebon locks with ebon eyes.
If your mien were not so stately
And your shape so slimly tah,
'Twould increase my pleasure greatly
Such a maiden mine to call.
But, if calmly I selected,
I could wish my choice to be
Short, and plump, and unaffected;-
And you re neither of the three.
If your views were lees erratic,
On the theme of Woman's wrongs;-
If your talk were less dogmatic,
And you liked my comic songs; -
If, in short, I found you only
The reverse of what you are-
You should share my life so lonely
And become its guiding star!
A GRAND complimentary benefit will be
given to Mrs. Swanborough at Drury-lane
during the third week in Easter, to comme-
morate the 21st anniversary of her manage-
ment. We have no doubt many will come
forward on the occasion, as the case is excep-
tional, the lady having been Stranded for 21
One of the principal scenes in iNew Babylon
at the Duke's is a representation of Goodwood.
That the drama is a racey one is a matter of
The inaugural festival of the Shakespeare
Memorial at Stratford-on-Avon promises to
be a magnificent success, Miss B elen Faucit
and Mr. Barry Sullivan having consented to
take part, in conjunction with all the most
celebrated Shakesperian artistes; but the title
of the play chosen for the occasion is singu-
larly inappropriate-it is 3fuch Ado About
Mr. Henry Irving, being unable to be
present has generously offered to contribute
to the Fund the receipts of his performance at
the Lyceum on Shakespeare's birthday, which
proves him to be a truly worthy representative
of Hamlet. We mean that his liberality is
In future the Criterion Theatre will be
under the sole management of Mr. Chas.
Wyndham; consequently we suppose there
will be the usual difficulty in securing a good
IP thou'lt be mine, sweet Valentine,
These gifts of love shall all be thine:-
A pegtop, How and Where to Dine,
A washing-tub, with props and line,
My ten shares in a worked-out mine,
Of tin-tacks eight, of nutmegs nine,
A plank of best Norwegian pine,
A list of steamboats on the Rhine,
A tom-tom and a tavern sign,
A toasting-fork without a tine,
Six sermons by a sound divine,
A bottle of green ginger wine,
A clothes-brush and a ball of twine.-
If all these treasures shall be thine,
Thine heart to me must sure incline;
Then say, then say, thou wilt be mine,
Sweet Valentine I sweet Valentine I
To get tight is very loose behavior.
FIYN VALERNTINr. NtJMt3I-l, 1870.
EVER 50 MUCH
HE -A Mff-S
S0 HRIS TEA.
THE GOOD sox&
SEAX SAY rIll
STORE 8 A
L O.C WOES
PRIZES IN THE GREAT LOTTERY
OF ST. VALENTINE.
FEE. 12, 1879.1 FUNo 69
A VALENTINE'S VICISSITUDES. .
I SENT her a valentine ages ago, % --- :
But she, with a deep design,
Then posP-d it on to another, although
She knew that the gift was mine. -
He probably suited her feminine whim, n w---A
She didn't suit his, for he
Then sent it to one he deemed precious to him,
Who posted it on to me.
Would seem that I loved one who loved very true
Another; but, sad to say,
That other was loving another one who
Loved me in a distant way.
A pretty dilemtna Not one of us shared
The love that was ours a jot,
And that for which each of us very much cared e
Could never, of course, be got.
You'll probably ask how we settled the thing.
Well, really I hardly know, e
Mv valentine going the circle will bring
The matter in status quo.
I know I was-'cute enough never to send w.
Another, t6 be returned.
And there, I believe, was the thing at an end,
As far as myself's concerned.
FOLLY.- Carmen, burlesqued by Reece, is a successful ..
bit of extravagance. Miss Lydia Thompson, as usual,
is full of vivacity, and Lionel Brough irresistible.
Opera Comique, redecorated, begins the new season
with H.M.8. Pinafore, in which all the old favourites
Royalty, under new management, opens with an
adaptation from Sardou's Za Papillonne, by J. Mortimer.
The work is skilfully done and well acted by a good o
company. _- -"__ -.
Paradoxical. A LIKELY STORY."
ON hearing of their good luck, winners of prizes in A LIKELY STORY
the Paris Lottery will receive the news with blank Impudent Young Brother :-" LIKE YOUR VALENTINE? Ap THOUGHT IT
astonishment. WOULD PLEASE YOU! COST ME SIXPENCE I BUT THERE, I DON'T GRUDGE IT!
LA Y S OF MY LO VES. Ah yes II know, I used to think her just a little hollow,
Ad_ A-well !-insipid kernel ina very showy husk.
HI.-AN OLD VALENTINE. A sort of gilded pillule which I somehow couldn't swallow,
IN raking out a cupboard which was "redolent of ages A want of heart well hidden by a model taper husk.
l've come across an envelope which seems to be the shrine Rers seem to follow mye eyes with such lok of love divine.
Devotefid to a letter, atrd inserted in the pages Alas I I never noticed it,-Bah! dotard, to be fretting,
I marvel for a moment who has been at all the trouble They'd follw any others as they seem tfllw ne!
To put away the envelope with such a lot of care,
Till lo I my speculations vanish-sudden as a bubble VALENTINES.
Occasionally -anishes on rising to the air. EUGENE RiMMEL's valentines have a world-wide repute, and to say
Ah me! how many years have I incontinently wasted, that his productions of this year will sustain that repute is saying
Which brought so many changes in their modifying track, much. The variety is such as to suit every taste, and the dainty
Since that eventful February morning, when I pasted manner in which all are produced reflects the highest credit on M.
Her valentine and photograph together, back to back. Rimmel.
The portrait of a woman! And I think it's for the better Messrs. Marcus Ward have published a lot of exceedingly pretty
That such bewitching loveliness we very seldom see, I valentines. The figure subjects, although well selected, are not such
And gazing on her valentine, and photograph, and letter, good art as they gave in their Christmas cards: the flower subjects
I ask me-what was Ito her, and what was she to me? are by far the best, although the former will be very popular.
Her greatest charm, however, isn't very well reflected- Anything but eet.
'Twas in her really glorious, deep heaven-azure eyes, Anything but Ceet.
A trifle unreliable, but that may be expected A EUTCHER, named William Murray, living at Crewe, has sold his
Of pretty little peepers of the colour of the skies, wife for three-halfpence. There can be no doubt that this was really
And then the sweeping lashes! I oh, that sad coquettish fringing; "An alarming (human) sacrifice," and a genuine case of "selling off
So envious, as I so often, envious, had vow'd, under cost price." Seriously, a stop ought to be put to these rewe-l
Down-closing aggravatiugly, would cause a saddened tinging, proceedings.
As when the sun goes veiling in some horrid jealous cloud.
But when it lifted! then the spells of magic love all hidden- C'est Jus !
Dart out again infectiously and captivating, while "THE Times may bhe out of joint," as Hamlet remarked; but it can
The all-around resuscitates, as duty-bound when bidden not be said, joint or no joint, that the age has not its Grdivy.
By bright and happy glory of their subtle sunny smile.
And did I love her ? very odd! the question should have offered A POSTMAN at Torrington named Friendship has had one of his eyes
Itself to me so often, and should still unanswered be. destroyed by a small stone thrown with a catapult. We certainly
If so, man's greatest compliment I know I never proffered, think something ought to be done in this case, as it is exceptionally
And asked her in equivalent-was she in love with me? hard for a man of letters to be stone blind.
ONCE more the Spring the Summer greets-
The month is merry May;
And Nature with her many sweets
Adorns the sunny day.
Once more the bloom is on the rye;
The rose is here again.
The birds are warbling in the shy ; -
But where is Betsy Jane ?
Yon emmets, in their busy throng,
Flock forth where Duty leads:
The caterpillars haste along,
And eke the centipedes.
The fish in yonder murm'ring brook,
Untouched by sin or pain,
Await the gently gentled hook;-
Bat where is Betsy Jane ?
Ye churchyard elms-thou rugge I yew-
Beneath your sombre shade
What forms that full of life I knew
Now still and cold are laid!
What friends have left me, one by one,
To people Death's domain !
Their course is run; their day is done ;-
But where is Betsy Jane ?
Twelva years B. J. and I had been
Another came upon the scene,
And bore my love away.
My wrongs this wounded heart forgives;-
('Twere useless to complain.)
I wonder where that fellow lives;
And where is Betsy Jane ?
ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.
Mistress:-"WHAT s THE MEANING OF THIS ?-PAST ELEVEN O'CLOCK
AND NOT EVEN THE BREAKFAST THINGS CLEARED "
Maid:-" WELL, MUM, IT IS AWKWARD, BUT ME AND COOK 'AS 'AD 80
MANY VALENTINES, AND WE' VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE OUT WHO SENT 'EM."'
THE next novel announced for publication by Messrs.
Sampson Low and Co. is A Marked Life." We
wonder whether the life in question is marked by the
small-pox; if so, there is no doubt he or she will be much
WHAT barm is there in a young lady being in love
with her (bride)groom?
THERE is no Barking in the Isle of Dogs.
URE, Kattie Braye is tall and fair,
She is a goddess formed by nature,
Her soft blue eyes and golden hair
Make her a 'witching lovely creature.
In all the world, go where you will,
Search high and low where'er it be now,
I hold that Kattie's fairer still
Than mortal eye did ever see now.
Look here, my boys, and listen now,
A secret, mind ye, that I'm telling ;
I told her in the meadow how
My heart with love for her was swelling.
And she has promised to be mine,
To make my cabin bright and cheery,
So on this morn of Valentine
Sweet Kattie will be Mrs. Leary.
AN ESSAY ON VALENTINES,
BY ONE WHO NEVER GETS ANY.
VARIous are the conjectures as to the identity of St. Valentine, and
the origin of his festival. The female mind would appear to picture
St. Valentine as a frivolous individual, flourishing at St. Martin's-le-
Grand or at one of M. Rimmel's establishments in an atmosphere
bright with tinsel and heavy with perfume, a being whose full dress
consists of a postman's cap and a pair of wings. But of this saint
this 'ain't a correct idea. St. Valentine was an early bishop (a sign he
didn't belong to the laity) who was martyred in the year 270. In the
month of February the Romans held the feast of the Lupercalia, for
which in time the Christians substituted that of St. Valentine. Thus St.
Valentine's Day owed its establishment, as it still does its observance,
in a great degree to Romance. So early as the fifteenth century
centuriess are important in Valentine history), we find the lads and
lasses saluting the first person of the opposite sex whom they met on
the fourteenth of February as their valentine. Later on it became the
fashion for people on that day to draw packets from lottery baga, the
owner of the name inscribed therein being the drawer's valentine for the
ensuing year, showing that love, like marriage, was just as much a
lottery then as now. The custom of sending useful valentines, according
to Pepys' Diary, was an old one in the seventeenth century, for the old
chronicler mentions his intention to give Mrs. P. several pairs of
gloves and stockings on the auspicious occasion, so that valentines
then flourished, though reduced to extremities. We find no record of
Mrs. Pepys' return present; perhaps it was a new diary. Had Fun's
Almanac then existed she would surely have added that, and posterity
would have been treated to a page of the rapture of "chiel amang"
their ancestors "takin' notes."
St. Valentine's Day is a red-letter one in the ornithological calendar.
On that day birds are supposed to pair, and peared to live apply ever
Of the valentine itself, pur et simple, which is generally simple
enough, we can only give the following as our reading:-
The little boys with wings indicate that love is prone to fly away-a
sort of figurative "fugit Amor." The so-called "true lover's knot"
is symbolic of the halter (not the altar-another affair altogether) of
matrimony. The flowers bedecking the glistening fabric express the
nature of the sentiments they interpret by their artificiality, and the
torch borne by Hymen is suggestive, not so much of that party's
linking capacity as the torture to which he leads his followers.
Up to the Nines I
OF eleven ladies entered for matriculation at the London University,
nine have passed. Exactly the number of the Muses, it will be seen ;
and if each of these "fair girl graduates" be not a mews," she, at
all events, must have a stable mind, it must be confessed.
LFEB- 12, 1879.
Frv. 12, 18,9.],
Ob mitey Cheesemonger, desist,
Your presents I don't crave;
Your gifts take back, they'll not be
Yo 'r eggs and lacon save.
My Barman, speak, I prithee tell
Me why so grand you are ?-
Pokers and Barristers as well
Are members of the Bar.
My verdant Greengrocer, in vain Slim, lovely, graceful Volunteer
You court, and this you know, sir; So dapper, trim, and starch,
Each day I see with grief and pain i Next month is yours, 'twill soon be
You more and more green grow, here,
sir. I So quick I say-Quick March!
Oh! beaming Butcher, in my rhymes I My Sweep I fondly bid you stay, Footman, so proud and grand are you Sweet Baker, go not on thy knee
I pray you make a point, With me your vigil keep. That I am forced to state, Nor knead thy doughy head,
Not to be like these starving times, There's one thing you shan't do If for a bride you woo and sue, If 'tis a fact you fancy me
For they are "out of joint." to-day, Your duty do-and wait. Say," where is fancy bre(a)d ?"
My beauteous Sweep-that's weep.
P'lceceman,with me you shall not sup, My Sailor boy, and must I see What, is he false, dear Tailor lad, How dust a Dustman try to wo3 ?
On men like you I frown, You sail away so far, Shirks he the marriage noose ? Dustman, how dust thou dare ?
And though you perhaps can take My tar is off to Tar-tar-y, Though I be mad and he be bad Oh! Dustman dust a man like you
me up And says to me ta-ta.' I'll snip my Tailor's goose. Presume to court the fair ?
I s)on can set you down.
Sticking to It. WHERE TO SPEND THE HoNEYMooN.-&t Wedington.
THE Tory landlords of Midlothian are already busily engaged in IT having been stated that the Earl of Ducie has returned 12. per
manufacturing faggot votes, in anticipation of Mr. Gladstone's candi- cent. to those tenants who farm arable land on his estates at Wootton,
datura for the county. That they will find plenty of Tory sticks an irreverent contributor remarks The deuce he has, but then who
available we can easily imagine; but surely they might wait until the Woobten't, you know, a hen things are so awfully bad F" thingss may
Ember" weeks came before making "faggot" votes, be bad, but they are nothing like so bad as this joke-ED.]
72 EIf N. [FEB. 12, 1879.
A MORBID MATUTINAL MONOLOGUE.
BY A FOE TO ST. VALENTINE. ON THE FOURTEENTH.]
rain away! A lively day
+ v, i /' For setting off to town it ia!
Just cast your eye across the sky
A / And see how nice and brown it
S '- I is:
S / Of course he's late, and I must
U // Until he has the grace to bring
.' -- y-I forgot, he has a lot
""-L / Of silly things with lace to
', Such nonsense too; I wonder who
In common sense's name it is
Can buy and post the trashy host
... ,.y Of flim-it is a shame, it is,
.. *,. That commerce waits while foolish
With hearts and arrows pair
A Lk them all!
"- I long to bribe the postman tribe
.- ---- t And get the things, and tear
Why Brown to-day, across the way-
It's very soon for him to rise;
It's not a fad ; I'm sure he had
A reason-not a whim-to rise,
I marvel much; he's mostly such
A blanket-loving, snuggle-y one-
I've not a doubt he's going out
To purchase me an UGLY ONE !
There Thompson stalks to town (he walks
The distance, ev'ry mite of it) ;
He's sleepy-eyed, and gapes as wide
As if he'd made a night of it-
I have it-right I He's spent the night-
(Why, anyone can see he has!)
In writing worse than foolish verse
In ridicule of ME, he has !
Now where's the maid ? She might have laid
My breakfast table decently ;
There's something strange-a sudden change--
In her demeanour recently !
A happy thought!-She may have bought,
And just have been occulting one
Beneath my plate-a nasty great,
Big-headed, coarse, insulting one.
I've seen the things! My gentle springs
Of kindliness were chilled with 'em;
All blues and reds, and monstrous heads-
I saw a window filled with 'em !
The veree they had was rude and bad
And scurrilous and low they were;
Moreover, what is worse, the lot
Were aimed at ME-I know they were !
.He comes at last! (It's ten, and past !)
He doesn't care a pin about
The lateness-What ? I see he's-got
Some little joke to grin about!
It surely should be something good
To cause his mirth; intense it is
No more a grin. He's peeping in
An envelope-immense it is.
I can't conceal a fear I feel,
And may as well confess to it:-
The thing is clear-he'll bring it here
I'm sure there's my address to it !
That aunt of mine-(All facts combine
To show she's not a friend to me)-
With vengeful thought has gone and bdught
This ugly one to send to me.
I'm right, you see I it is for me !
I long to break the neck, by Jove,
Of that same aunt-and yet, it can't
Be what [-It's a CHEQUE, by Jove! .
But all the same, it is a shame-
She meant to send that head, you know,
But somehow went.by accident
And sent the cheque instead, you know.
Da. CarorToN-BaowNR has printed and circulated a paper of 12
que3tions,-of which the following are fair samples:-
1 Are you right or left handed ?
3. Can you snap the fingers of both hands with equal ease and
7. Can you wink with equal facility with each eye ?
10. Can you move the protruded tongue to the right and left side
with equal freedom P
Now Dr. Crichton-Browne has doubtless some very scientific and
useful object in view in circulating such a series of questions, but it
must be confessed, we think, that on the face of them they are not of
a character to impress the general public with any internal evidence of
their utility. In point of fact it is to be feared that some mad wag
will be adding a few more queries to the Doctor's, and he may find
himself inundated with answers not only to his own 12 questions, but
to some such others as these:-
13. Can you apply your right and left thumbs with equal facility to
the tip of your nose ?
14. Under the above circumstances is it more difficult to you to
spread out and move from right to left the fingers of one hand than
of the other?
15. In tapping the side of your nose with the top joint of a finger,
say what finger you habitually use.
16 (for parents only). In conducting the personal chastisement of
your olive branches, do you find it more effective to spank with the
right or left hand P
17. In throwing down and jumping on a party with whom you may
have had a temporary disagreement, state with what foot you would
18 In case you wag your ears, state whether it be pleasurable or
painful emotions which most violently agitate them.
19. In putting your tongue into your cheek, state which cheek you
20. Do you laugh in your right or left sleeve ?
A DIFFICULTY has again arisen, we undei stand, as to the rating of
some railway arches used as stores, in one of the transpontine parishes.
Why not refer the whole question to the Dean of Arches, and let him
settle it once for all?
SITP L CADBUR Y'S *
OVER Gross, A EII
2 0 0 2/6. osr or ES E Can
PATTERNS. N T, IT0sJ,0 WILL. SULT .L WUR .
o.ld,,, all statUoner.,intd. ..,1.o.,.d.oS,, I,,xes. Send stamoe for an PURE-SOLUBLE-RE RESHNG.
o'orfedt imple box o ohn He., 70. Gere re, r. CAUTIO.-frca thiken i. a c .. it prove the ad aarh
dole W.%stle London A4enth--.. J.IPOWELL & Co., 101. Wh echapes, E.
FEB. 19, 1879.]
"AND HE TOOK IT LIKE A LAMB."
Young Proprietor of Restaurant (to Old Customer):-" YAs, AwrUL BOEn, DON'T YOU KNOW, THE GOVERNOR BEING AWAY THIS AFTERNOON.
I WAS GOING OUT IN THE SADDLE." Old Customer :-" SADDLE 0' MUTrON, OF COURSE 1 "
WHAT'S a Court-Martial ?-
Whose members judge, counsel, and jury are
Vexed by no frothy bore,
Twisting the law, they more
Free from forensical fury are.
What is a lawsuit ?-
'Tis something may cause you t
0 wish you had never been born.
For losing or winning,
Or sinned againstt or sinning,
You're sure in the end to be, shorn.
Foreign to the Subject.
IN a telegram dated Calcutta, Feb. 5th, it is stated the Zakha Khels
have fulfilled their engagements, and are showing a disposition to
maintain friendly relations. We wish some of the English people
would follow this example. During the present distress it would be
very acceptable if someone would maintain our friendly but poor
TRoors are now going out to join in our war with the Zulus.
When the great explosion in Regent's Park occurred some years ago,
the Guards turned out from the Albany-street Barracks in full expec-
tation that they should meet the Zoo loose.
THE easiest way to obtain an estate is to take your wife and children
for a foreign tour; because when you land in England you will become
a "landed family."
Mn. D'OLTY CART announces that "the draught formerly com-
plained of in the stalls of the Opera Comique has been successfully
stopped." Considering that the draught used to be bitter, its stoppage
will be 'ailed with delight.
Mr. Geo. Grossmith's latest drawing-room sketch is A Silver Wed-
ding, in which he wins golden opinions.
Crimson Cross at the Adelphi on the 27th will be supported by a
really powerful array of artistes, and if the piece be anything like the
company it will indeed be a strong one.
Faust at the Olympic will be played by Mr. H. B. Conway, who
has quite recovered from his accident. We trust this will be a (riding)
lesson to the young actor, whose usefulness as a walking gentleman is
too great for him to be horse) de combat.
Truth, the new comedy at the Criterion, has been spoken of by a
critic as a meaningless production." According to all accounts it is
just the reverse, the objections being that it abounds with double
"DULCE ET DECORUM."
YES, sweet and proper 'tis to die
Responsive to one's country's call!
Fair glory checks the tearful sigh,
And smiles when patriot heroes fall.
For every hero of our host
Full twenty-down the foeman bore,
Yet every fallen Briton cost
The Zulu victors half a score.
Defeated ? Aye I but victory claims
Defeats like these to be her own,
And as her darling martyrs names
The Spartan phalanx not alone.
74 F U N (FEB. 19, 1879.
DOTS BY THE WAY.
OME here, ray boys, and list to me,
S An' stop that noisy brawlin',
Ye know his lordship Dizzy Dee
The Parliament is calling .
When every mother's son must stand
Up for his country gaily;
Ring out the Whoop! for Paddy land,
And sport your best shillelah.
Then see ye here, whatever ye do,
Fight for the emerald grane, boys,
And shout, 11" Whack-fol-tol-loo-ra-loo 1"-
Whatever that may mane, boys:
And when ye get to London town,
And in the Parliament there,
Just tell the Spaker and the Crown
The reason why ye're sent there.
It's "Ireland for the Irish," men.
Who cares about "disruption"?
If we can't have "Home-rule," why then
We'll go in for "obstruction."
So, look ye here, whatever ye do,
Fight for the emerald grane, boys,
And shout, Whack-fol-tol-loo-ra-loo "-
Whatever that may mane, boys!
Ye know we've got O'Garham, sure,
Mister Parnell and Bradey;
When they get up upon the floor,
Why, Hartington looks shady,
Then Whig and Tory bow the head
Before Ould Ireland's glory,
The Echo's where O'Connell led,
Repate the grand would story.
So, see ye here, whatever ye do,
Fight for the emerald grane, boys,
And shout, Whack-fol-tol-loo-ra-loo "-
Whatever that may mane, boys!
It has been said, we are such flats,
If Ireland had Home-rule now,
We'd be like the Kilkenny cats
That fought the famous duel, now.
And if we did, I'd like to know
Who dares to come betwane, boys ?
Whoop !-Ireland's where shillelahs grow,
The Whiskey and the grane, boys !
So, look ye here, whatever ye do,
Fight for the emerald grane, boys !
And shout, Whack-fol-tol-loo-ra-loo-o-o-o!"-
Whatever that may mane, boys!
TROPHONIUS DISCOURSETH CONCERNING THE
THE CAVE, Monday last.
DEA u AND EXPECTANT FRIENDs,-It becomes the prophet's duty to
treat of the Waterloo Cup this week, and circumstances over which he
has no control-not unconnected with the gross neglect of those who
had charge of his early education-compel him to approach the subject
with a modesty and diffidence totally foreign to his character. He has
endeavoured to obtain information. First he consulted a friend.
" Want information about the Waterloo Cup ?" says the friend. "You
(w)ought to look up authorities, you know." What could Trophonius
do after that but turn sorrowfully away P He found some authorities,
though, and through them he discovered that coursing is a sort of
game between a dog and a hare, in which the prophet thinks he would
rather be the dog if he were in it. It also seems the custom to bet on
a person's nomination before it is known what dog he will run, which
introduces into the affair the rational and pleasing excitement of not
knowing what you are betting about. It also compels Trophonius to
give two tips. Here is the first:-
DOUGLAS, DOUGLAS, tender and true"
(Notice our method of indication)
Will the cup be landed by you ?
(That is to say-by your nomination ?)
Take apologies, G. K. SMITH-
Pardon our impudent botheration-
Do you think you're a winner? (with
Aid of your excellent nomination).
LORD FBRMOY-well, I must confess
Last year's "runner up" recommendation
Shows gooel hope of my lord's success
(I mean success of his nomination).
By the way, I wish to deny emphatically (not that anyone has
accused me of it, but I daresay they will if I don't anticipate them-
they're mean enough for anything)-to deny emphatically that I am
the person who set afloat that canard concerning the distemper among
Mr. Douglas's dogs. If I'd done it I hope I should have managed it
better, and not sent the telegram so soon that it was bound to be
contradicted before it could have any effect upon the betting-and if I
told that boy of mine qnce I told him a dozen times that it wasn't to be
sent till-but there, I'll give you that other tip:-
Onward shoots the swift Zazel,
.Don's be headstrong-.Rwal Belle,
Lady Avonmore-no less-
Will be 'avin' more success.
Lady Lizzie does the trick,
Here's success to Whistling Dick,
Wood Reeve? Silhouette? High Seal?
Sutler -who will with them deal ?
.Purfret or Whoa Emma tough ?-
Here's Dear Brin, that's enough.
So no more at present from-Yours, &c., TnoPHONirs.
P.S.-Look out for some startling things next week.
P.S.-I don't say you'll get 'em.
SPECIAL-ON A LIBELLOUS COMMUNICATION.
DEAR PUBLmc,-I have received a printed and illustrated communi-
cation, contemptible in its art and scurrilous in its literature. If any
of you know the sender you will oblige me by communicating to it the
following reply, as it has omitted to enclose its address. First as to
the art, my whiskers (if I had any) would not be green; nor do I
wear yellow trousers, a green waistcoat, a magenta coat, or a pink
hat with a black band; it is not, and never has been, my custom
to seat myself upon a purple barrel in a public-house of the
same hue as my waistcoat and whiskers; I have never seen, nor do I
believe there exist, any tumblers inscribed with the word Gin "; I
deny positively that spoken words of mine have ever become visible in
the tangible form of modern print surrounded by a balloon-like
structure issuing from my mouth; nor do I remember ever using the
phrase, "Another two,' please ;"-all of which grossly mischievous
departures from fact are clearly insinuated by the execrable attempt at
drawing which heads this gracefully humorous document inscribed
"This is Trophonius !" Then, as to the literature. It displays extreme
ignorance of my habits. It speaks of my leaving public-houses
late, with heavy eye and feeble gait." How can I "leave" public-
houses when I never enter such low resorts, which are probably better
known to my silly traducer than to the gentle old man he so gra-
tuitously attacks ? As for my "heavy eye and feeble gait," I hope
when he comes to my age and has as many sorrows and corns to contend
against, he may show as little sign of them-and if I have a
carbuncle I deny that it "glows, competing with my glowing nose,"
and it's very unjust to say so, it being well known to all my friends
that carbuncles and dyspepsia run in my family-but, although all
this is mendacious and insulting enough, the climax is reached when he
speaks of "hopeless tips that emanate from lying lips." Now my
tips, so far from being hopeless" and lying," are almost uniformly
successful, as is doubtless well known to my malignant traducer itself,
it having, in all probability, opposed my selections, and, smarting
under the inevitable result, endeavors to relieve its venomous spite in
this underhand manner. Let me once ascertain who it is, however,
and a prosecution for libel will immediately ensue, and, should I only
succeed in obtaining a farthing damages, I will publish my view of
the matter, printed upon any scraps of paper I find handy, and lightly
stitched in a brown-paper wrapper. No one shall lightly traduce
"PUT MONEY IN THY PURSE."-Shakespere.
THE advice sounds well, but only on condition,
Neglecting which I fail to see much good in it,
First that you've got a purse, then in addition
That you possess th' aforesaid coin to put in it.
"We Run 'em In."
THE ship "Bombay," of Bath, U.S., went ashore on the Gunfleet
Sand, January 30th, and was afterwards assisted off. On being found
tight she was run in to Harwich.
ELIoIBLE place of residence for a young widow:-Wedmore.
STRANCHEZ LE MOT.-Don't say No!
FEB. 19, 1879.] FU NT 75
A GROS LOT; OR, A WHITE ELEPHANT.
ELL, I'm a nice lucky sort
So.chap, Iam. There never
S / was such a fellow for luck
S..as yours truly. Blest if every-
thing-don't drop into my mouth
like the- buns in the bears' at
I. -- the Zo. I've got the wishing
il~ J ap,.I have. I say to myself,
I "Shiouldn't I like to win a prize
Sitithe Fiench lottery !" I go
S I withoutdinner for two days and
\~ I i bay.-a-ticket at the expense of
my stomach. I give fifteen
j Jpeneeafor it-the ticket, I mean
--andthen keep on wishing my
-z-- B wishoverand over again. That
waasny general wish. At times
S- H I.': I was-more distinctive. I used
to wishifor the diamonds or the
<% plate* or' both, diamonds and
S--. plate- being.. convertible. I
didifwant the Strasbourg pies,
as they might get bad coming
over, like the people who eat
them; and I didn't want the jar of magnesia-I should feel bound to
take it alls and I might not feel welL afterwards. And it was satis-
factory to know that these things wouldn't' cost anything for carriage.
Then I used to finish up with my general wish again-to win a prize.
And sure enough I go and do it I Oh, I am lucky My prize was a
I may as well now remarkthat-I reside near Olare Market, and I do
not rent stabling. Residents about Clare Market do not, as a rule.
Some of them keep donkeys, bit' the quadrupeds live strictly en
famille. Bearing these circumstances in mind, I sent my ticket to the
authorities in Paris, asking them! to sell my prize andi remit me the
money. They replied in Frenchm. so I didn't know-what they did
reply; but one morning, as I was looking out of my top window-my
window is, at the top-and speculating on the probable upshot of .it-all,
I saw a couple of Pickford's horses appropriating the best part of the
attenuated street in dragging, my precious prize, the box being
occupied by a carman in high glee. I told them to take it away, as I
had nowhere to put it, but they only half obeyed me; they took the
horses away, and I was left sitting in my newly-acquired coach in a
state of mind more easily imagined than described, as the novelists
say when their powers of description fail them. Then a policeman
came (they always do when they aren't wanted), and ordered me to
move on, as I was causing an obstruction. I endeavoured to explain
it wasn't me, but the drag. Like them all,.he was an inexorable fool,
and I had no money. I was stopping the traffic. The neighbours
turned out and did the same to me; there was a regular riot, and a
strong body of the force came down from Bow-street and wheeled the
coach off to the green yard. The next day they summoned me for causing
the obstruction, and as magistrates are like policemen I was fined 103s.
and costs. Inhabitants of Clare Market are not always as ready with
their fines as their constant practice at it might suggest, and I was
locked up in default..
When I came out I was again summoned to remove the vile thing:
from its temporary resting-place, and being obliged to obey, I
managed, by dint of great. exertion, to get it out- and drag it down
Long Acre, .offering it to every coach-builder there, but without avail.
Times were bad, they said, and folks were giving up carriages, not
taking to them. I explained I didn't take at all kindly to. mine, .and
wished to giveit up, and then they invariably kickedme out; I pushed.
it down. Great Queen-street, reaching Lincoln's Inn about midnight,,
dead. beat, and appropriately a policeman found me, and ran me in for
stealing, it, but as they knew the. facts at. the station I was let go
again. Back I trudged to my prize to find some boys taking up their
quarters in it for the night. I turned them. out, got in myself. and
went off to. sleep, but was waked shortly after by another policeman,
who made me take it away for causing an obstruction, which it wasn't.
I recommended my toilsome journey, and before I got far began to
sneeze. That cold has been: on me ever since. Like Christian and
his bundle of sins, day after day, from place to place, have I dragged
my weary body with its awful incubus. Every time I stop I am
moved on for causing an obstruction. I have offered it to every
coach-builder in London in vain. I have taken it in the parks,.runt
away and left it in vain. I am now known so well that. the police,
always collar me and make me move it on, so that. I have hadnat,
sleep ever since, and am almost starving. I have just nowdrawn upmy
weight of woe against the railings of Hyde Park, and am writing this
by means of a pencil stump on a piece of paper which formerly con-
tained a polony, with the certain conviction of being.moved on again.
before very long. What can I do ? I can't sell it. I can't destroy
it. I can't lose it. Never let anyone go in for a lottery to encourage
the arts, I say. Here am I bound to my four-in-hand like Ixion to
the wheel, or Prometheus to the rock, with the vulture hunger preying
on my vitals, which do not grow again. Oh, dear! oh, dear! I'm
nearly dead with fatigue, and-I'm sure that's a bull's-eye-yes !
All right, I'm going to move on. Faster I can't go faster. Give
us a start. Well, you are a brute Run me in, will you ? I wish
you would. I tell you I am moving on as fast as I can. Oh, where
will it all end? Where will-it-all-
Oa, "TauTH" AT THE. OCITaRIOw."
(An amusing and successful comedy by Bronsonfoswardi entitled Truth,"
was produced at the Criterion Theatre onSaturday, 8th Feb., under the
direction of Mr. Charles TWyndhamwhA iayed.the principal part with
his accustomed.agreeable vivacity.)
FouR monsters went pleasuring-up.t. the Westf
To a-fancy Dress Ball when thesun:went'down,
And each told a story to her he lovedibest..
To account for hias spending a nightmpoin town.
For men taradiddle and women-believe,
When naughty men rollick they're apt to deceive,
Though the Truth they had better be owning.
Awaited two wives and two maids the return
Of four- monsters who'd left-them to sorrowing fate,
But a mother-in-law was resolved they should learn
The things that men do when they stop out so late.
For bad men tell stories their wives to deceive
When staying in London all night without leave,
And come home intha-morning yawning.
Four monsters returned (each withupain in his head),
Exulting with glee at.the trick they had played,
But the mother-in-law, heard the-words that they said,
And disclosed to each wife-and revealed to each maid
That men tell falsehoods, their names to retrieve,
That husbanda.willichuckle while good wives grieve,
And mothers-in-law, are a-groaning.
Two wives and two maidwuinrtha soref distress;
Four monsters, found out in ite-flbthey had told,.
Resolved the best way to get out of the mess
Was by more taradiddles so brazen and bold;
For men specious falsehoods will cleverly weave,
And sweethearts and wives hope that way to deceive,
All chance of discovery scorning.
Two wives and two sweethearts were happy again,
Believing once more that the Truth they knew,
For four monsters had hit on a way to explain,
And the four silly women believed their words true.
Though ladies are sharp they can't always perceive
That 'tis dangerous ever a man to believe
Who comes home in the morning yawning.
Four men were discovered, in telling fresh lies,
In telling more fibs than they'd told before,
And four women were weeping and mopping their eyes
For those they could never believe any more.
For women are born but to sorrow and grieve,
And men taradiddle and hope to deceive
Instead of their faults bemoaning.
One wise woman ends-thaconfusion and grief
By advising the monsters- the Truth to reveal,
And four women experience happy relief
When four men before them in penitence kneel,
And swear they will never again deceive
Or sad taraddidles in cunningness weave,
Bit their pardon accept as a warning.
MoRAL (IF AN).
When monsters go pleasuring:up to the West
Of the stories theytell they had better take heed,
And if pure invention.won't serve them the best,
There's no harm intrying if Truth will succeed.
For men tell.failshoods and women believe;
When naughty folk rollick they're apt to deceive,
Though the Truththey had better be owning.
WHEN is it allowable to carry a walking-stick ?-When, through
infirmity, you require to lean upon one, it then becomes quite the
A BACHBLOR'S DBFINITION.-A (n)urea-ry-a bear-garden.
LFEB. 19, 1879.
THE IMPOSTOR.-A TALE OF A SECRET ORGIE.
++ 's;, l P ; 1 ,! r,,r= -, -
In ocaietyBrowne was looked upon as a man of the most exalted aestheticism. He
would tolerate no music but the ultra-hyper-incomprehensibly-tuneless.
He would gaze upon no picture except those by the queerest and moat
And he had been known to fade into unconsciousness at the dinner-table on
hearing onions spoken of .
And one day he was observed to shut up all the shutters
in a moat mysterious way.
And society peeped through a crack- and Browne, seated in a chamber hung with pictures by the most living artists, was consuming Irish steto while his daughter
played to him selections from Ofenbach I / I
FT'JIN .-FEB. 19, 1879.
ON THE TRACK OF THE ZULU.
FU. 19, 1879.3 IFTUN. 79
OUT IN THE COLD.
Grand finale to a .Pantomime to be appreciated by inhabitants of the suburbs. Half-past one; domestic sleeping and policeman reproving.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL TAKES WESTON'S PLACE.
I WAS left last week, as you may remember, sir, under the seat of
Weston's omnibus, and my seven miles' ride in that situation over as
lumpy and bumpy and rutty a road as even Devonshire can boast will
for ever form one of my most painful reminiscences. At last, pain-
fully emerging from my strawy ambush. I made myself known to Mr.
D'Oyly Cart and the two judges, who all three looked in the pale light
of the morning as though they were being driven to the stake.
I ventured to say as much, indeed, to the more miserable-seeming
of the trio, who, much to my surprise, received my remark with a
smile of relief. Look as though we were being driven to the stake,
do-we ?" he returned; "Well, then, our looks don't belie us, do they
D'Oyly P Isn't it steak for ten you have ordered by telegraph for our
breakfast at the Modbury Arms P"
Steak and onions," gasped the gentleman appealed to in the inter-
vals between a long series of jolts.
"Good!" said I, "you could not have ordered anything better,"
and thereon I proceeded to make myself so extra-specially" agree-
able that I soon procured an invitation, thanks to which, alas I am
now a mass of bruises and diachylon plaster.
This, in a few words, is how it came to pass, sir. You know how
genial and good-tempered I am, and if there is one thing more than
another that makes me especially amiable I may add it is hot buttered
toast. Well, it was at the hot buttered toast stage of our breakfast,
at the Modbury Arms, that the great lecturing pedestrian sidled up to
me and proposed that I should take his place and pass for him on
going into Exeter. "You see," said he, "I am kinder tired of
glorious receptions, and sick of triumphal entries. And I like your
look, stranger, and I don't mind, as a friend, letting you have one
of my first-class welcomes. It will be something to tell your grand-
children about, and to make your eye kindle, sir, even to think on!"
To tell the truth, I did not need much persuasion, and as Sir John
Astley's pet was a stranger in Exeter it was thought sufficient for me
to assume the hat with the peacock's feather and the velvet coat with
the teetotal medal well to the front on the breast of it. Thus attired,
then, I rode on the box-seat of the 'bus till our vanguard on the
bicycle dashed back to say that the citizens were already in sight.
Then I dismounted, and, taking a riding-whip and a stars and stripes
pocket-handkerchief in my hands, I strode to the front.
It was pleasant enough at first, when the city's tens and twenties
who had come out some miles to meet me greeted me with sheers and
pressed round to earnestly scan my "Extra-Special features." This,
thought I, is fame," as one eager gentleman, producing a large
album from underneath his waistcoat, went down on his hands and
knees and begged me to make a desk of his back whilst I wrote my
autograph for his only daughter. And this," I thought, "is more
fame," as another cit, a lady this time, stole up behind me and tried to
snip out a bit of my coat-back as I went.
But I did not think much longer about fame, for so soon as another
mile had been passed the city poured out its hundreds and thousands
upon me, and I began to have anything but a good time. This,
in fact," thought I, as the population began to tread promiscuously
on both my feet, is infamous;" and I turned to take refuge, if possible,
in the'bus. But, alas it had disappeared, and on all sides of me
there was the howling, enthusiastic mob, the members of which, not
content with kneading my toes to a jelly,* next began, by way of
shaking hands, to work both my arms like; pump-handles-at such a
rate that I reckoned that, had I been really a pump, I should have
filled 17 average-sized cisterns during the last mile of my progress.
Every yard matters grew worse, until at last' I was that sore and
done up I should have dropped but for the crowd, which literally kept
me afloat, so to speak, by continuous pumping. In vain did I assure
them I was not Weston, and that he had gone round another way in
his 'bus. They hailed this as a splendid joke, and jumped on me and
pumped me harder than ever, whilst the more daring availed them-
selves of my prostration to steal my peacock's feathers, and even to
snatch out the hairs of my head to work up into lockets and guards,
which gave me terrible torture, of course.
The last thing I remember of my triumphal entry is being lifted
on to a shop-shutter by several policemen from amidst the people, who
had already begun to cut up my coat between them.
Then I fainted, and on coming to, found Sir John Astley's pet
rubbing "nine-oils into the small of my back. Well," he said,
" there was a glorious entrance for you. You'll want to be in the
van again, I guess."
But I was bath sore and huffy, and returned, You don't catch me
in your van again, nor in your 'bus either."
And he didn't, for, as you know, sir, I at once came back by easy
stages, and on air cushions, to London.
SHE'S thrown me over for him!
I'll learn un-loving from hate!
The love of women's a whim-
But love to a man is Fate!
Love's cup seem'd full to the brim-
All froth! I know it too late!
She's thrown me over for him,
I '11 learn un-loving from hate.
S The future is sad and dim,
And life is a weary weight!
'Tia only the wine cup's rim
Whose kisses will set me straight,
She's thrown me over for him!
I'll learn un-loving from hate.
WHEN does a Good Templar object to water ?-When it comes down
as 'ale. (Hail.)
*At first I tried one of my "Extra-Special" jokes, and assured them that I
needed my toes myself, so that I would not trouble them to knead them for me.
But law bless you, sir, that failed altogether-in toe-to'.in fact.-Y. E.-S. R.
SFUN. [FPB. 19, 1879.
A PASTORAL POEM.
I've been waiting in the lane,
In the wind and in the rain
And the former keenly blew,
And the latter soaked me through,
SAs I lingered here for you,
But my dream of love is o'er,
I will trouble you no more-
The appointment was for eight-
Up at yonder wicket gate-
*And eleven's rather late,
I am fated, I'll be sworn,
To awake to-morrow morn
.... o te Of the poultice and the pill
SAIi r y I shall have to take my fill,
IIAn ...... And of syrup of the squill,
q__ Peggy dear.
It may please you to be told,
Si That I've caught my death of cold ;-
That is clear.
'Twill delight you to have known-
__ -When my final breath has flown-
That the fault was all your own,
... -Or; the principle of natural selection and affinity we
i" ui ...... should expect, and doubtless on enquiry find, that
"cream" gin was drunk by the scum of the popu-
A DAMPER. lation.
.FitXAeme:-" HALLOA, SMIFFS, DIDN'T KNOW YOU WENT IN FOR SKATING." IMPROvED ScHOOLBOY Vzaszox.-Give him a pinch
Smifs (who has just had a ducking, determinedly):-" WELLr., ITr'S THE and he'll make a yell.
FIRST TBM rva been in AND I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE IT'S THE LAST." WHY do herbalists call the sage a simple ?
CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES. THE GREATER CRIMINAL.
A LITTLE WARNING TO TRAVELLERS. 1
PASSENGER (having purchased a ticket-To railway company). Hora, _-
I say, the roof of your London station has fallen in and killed a few
of my family. I want compensation.
THE COMPANY. Oh, pooh! I We didn't contract to carry you in
safety; besides, we're not responsible, as the station is mortgaged to
somebody else. *
THE PASSENGER (as before). Look here, this carriage is tumbling to
pieces, and a few more of my family have fallen through the floor of
it and been cut to pieces!
THE COMPANwY. Go along. We didn't make a contract to carry you
in proper carriages; besides, we're not responsible, as we have not paid
for the carriages yet.
THaE PASSENGER. Why have you put me down on the line half
way ? I require to be taken to the destination for which I have pur-
chased a ticket. At any rate you did contraet-
THE COMPANY. No, we didn't. We didn't contract with you;
our booking-clerk did it; and we're not going to be responsible for
his actions! Two friends I had; a worthy pair,
Extremely so; and both commanding
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE QUESTION. My best respect, although they were
THEa COMPANY (an another occasion). Here, we have fulfilled our So far apart in social standing.
part of the contract this time; and now we find that the five-pound And one of these was wont to pass
note you paid to our booking-clerk is a flash one-we want another. Among his fellows, well respected;
THE PASBSENGER. Oh I no; I didn't contract to pay you good money A m ember of the middle class ted;
for the ticket; besides, my right hand paid you, not I; and I'm not And very decently connected.
going to be responsible for its actions! And very decently connected.
(And if the law have any sense of justice and of the proper balance of The other was of lower rank,
things, it ought to bear him out in this determination, as a set-ofagainst And lacked (of course) the finer feelings,
one of the most insanely absurd decisions ever heard of, which is reported Bat still was honourably frank
from the City of London Court the other day.) And laudable in all his dealings.
FEB. 19, 1879.] FU N. 81
I had but little care about
The distance twixtt their social stations ;
They used to wander in and out
My humble cot, like near relations.
My liking for them knew no chill ;
My tender friendship ne'er forsook them ;
I'm sure I should have loved them still,
But dire misfortune overtook them.
I never ascertained the crime
That each was guilty of, precisely ;
I only know in course of time
The law was down upon them nicely.
I know that he of higher grade
Before his escapade's detection
Had very prominently played
A leading part in bank-direction.
And his-misfortune, I should say,-
(I judge by ratiocination)
Was trifling, being wiped away
By eighteen months of expiation.
(Although one fact that came to light
Suggests the palpable reflection
That modern penal treatment might
Be none the worse" for some correction;-
My hapless friend distinctly said-
(I quote his words-unbiassed purely)-
" He did the spell upon his head "-
A most inhuman torture surely!)
I know he'd cleared a handsome bit,"
And though my friend I can't importune
To tell me how he came by it,
I traced the bit" to his-misfortune.
For when the bank had gone to smash-
To atoms like a broken pitcher-
My friend (though RUINED by the crash)
Was, strange to say, immensely richer.
So, when he left the prison gate
Misfortune vanished like a bubble;
For all his riches lay in wait
To comfort him and banish trouble.
His friends, perceiving wealth amassed,
Forgave-misfortune (though detected);
And once again the worthy passed
Amid, his fellows well respected.
And I forgave-for, oh, 'tis plain -
Forgiveness shows the mind is healthy :
And now we quite hob-nob again.
I own I like the man-he's wealthy.
But what my other friend had done
Or what had led to his declension
Is utterly beyond the run
Of my restricted comprehension.
His crime, however, clearly went
Beyond my worst imagination,
If one can gauge a crime's extent
By means of punishment's duration.
For twenty years ago to-day
The crime occurred of which you're reading ;
And yet-I'm very grieved to say-
His punishment is still proceeding;
He sits upon a box, exposed
To weather, windy, frosty, haily
Till eyeq and houses long have closed,
For sixteen hours duration daily.
From year to year he has to glide
Along the road, without cessation-
The same unchanging dreary ride
Till death, or superannuation.
He hasn't time to even think
Of reading, writing, laughing, weeping ;
He hasn't time to eat and drink;
He hardly has the time for sleeping.
Within the interval of time
Twixt now and what's above related
I've heard about a FEARFUL CRIME
Which somebody has perpetrated.-
A heartless swindle, well- contrived
And causing ruin,-crushing-killing;
I've heard of families deprived,
By knavish wiles, of ev'ry shilling.
I've heard of scenes to cause a sigh
In even bosoms far from tender,
And rumour points to one of my
Two worthy friends as this offender;
It can't be he who underwent
The eighteen months' incarceration-
It must be he whose punishment'
Has been of twenty years' duration.
TH s entertainment is most varied in its character, and the best as
well as the most extensive of its kind. Whether we think of Mr.
Cooper with his wonderful elephants, and his daring exhibition in the
lions' den, of Miss Rose Myers on her jumping horse, of the chariot
race, of the tight rope performance, or of the clever clowns-all seem
equally good; but the resources of the establishment are most fully
shown in the grand parade of all nations, which winds up this capital
exhibition at the Agricultural Hall.
Matrimonial and Legal.
WHEN may a man be said to make a suit-able match?-When he
espouses a cause.
AT Brighton on Thursday a cabman named Steer was committed for
trial for housebreaking two years ago. This arrest was purely
ozidental, and, as a matter of consequence, he was considerably cowed
THERE is a great block of buildings by Temple Bar called the New
Law Courts. This is not the Present Legal Block," but the
WHEREIN dees an 18-carat ring differ from a great London em-
porium F-One is gold an' hall-markit, while the other is Leadenhall
WHY are barques like Michael Angelo, Titian, and Paul Veronese ?
-Because they are three masters.
WovLD it be correct to speak of a naval steam ram as a butter-boat ?
[FEB 19, 1879.
"GOING TO TRY THE OFFSIDE HEDGE?" "NO, THE OUTSIDE EDGE I"
Lady :-" GOING TO THE BLACKSMITH, JOHN "
John (wkose temper is soured by the frost):-" WEUL, MIss, I was A-THINKIN' I'D BETTER TAKE 'I TO THE TOY SHOP AND GIT 'IM A PAIR Op
GnAY hair is honourable, age has set
The light of wisdom on the hoary head,
Like mountain snows, by many a storm-cloud fed,
Falling in whiteness from a sky of jet.
Like Priest in pallid marble minaret,
Calling to worship when the east is red
With coming day, when the world-night has fled,
And heaven's morn is scarce unfolded yet.
The cold gray shbade of death creeps on with age,
The golden hair of youth's bright hope dream flies.
Eao.h vanished trees lies hid in some life's page
As for the White Rose of York, it is to its infancy that we must
look for the origin of the questionable delicacy with which that county
is associated. It need hardly be said that I refer to Yorkshire budding.
From the School of Instruction.
WHAT portion of the Field Exercise is most suitably illustrated
by blocks of wood ?-Brigade (brick-aid) Drill.
A Tip for Tipsters.
WHEN does a cask of ale lose its briskness ?-When it is stoop-ed.
Now dark with stars that barren honour buys, NoUw Ready, demy 4to. boards, Two Shillings and Sixpenee,
But years with wisdom gray have taught the sage THE BRITISH WORKING MAN:
To reckonno man happy till he-DYES. BY ONE WHO DOES NOT BBLIBVX IN HIm.
And other sketches by J. F. Sullivan. Engraved by Dalsiel Brothers.
AT Mr. Ward Beecher's church in New York it is the cHstom to let The Designs of MR. SULLIVAN appear from week to week in the pages of
the pews by auction, and at the last annual sale there was an increase FUN." In compliance with numerous requests, first instalment, in a
in the amount realized of 3,800 dols. We presume when there is nota collected form, is now produced wuder the title of "The British
demand for seats this popular preacher regards the circumstance as a Working Man," which will be followed by a second collection-" The
pew-rile arrangement. British Tradesman, and Other Sketches."
DOME LA CADBURY'S
BRILLIANT I! CLEAN!! NO DUST!! f fl G. BRANDAUER & 00'.S New registered "press
For Excellence of For Cleanliness | se ries of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
Quality. COLD MEDAL in use. points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Sold by Grocers and Oilmen everywhere. U Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
S PURE-SOLUJBLE-RE EESHING. select the pattern best suite.i to your hand.
E. JAM ES & SONS, SOLE MAKERS, PLYMOIUTH. cArTo.-,j. Cwtlo. ..i.. in ,,.. p t.. ofs.,tt,.e.. Iwoars, BIRMINGHAM.
mhinted by .TUDD & CO., Phoenix Works. St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, February 19, 1879.
FEB. 26, 1879.] F U N 83
EFFECTS OF CATCHING COLD.
A SONG OF THE SBEA o N.
Tune : "Silver Threads."
DARLING, I have caught a cold,
As you plainly may behold;
Coughing through the live long day,
Nought will take my cold away;
Yet, my darling, you can be,
If you choose, a nurse to me;
Yes, though elderly, you're still
Rather useful when I'm ill.
Darling, I have got a cold,
As before you have been told;
Don't you hear me when I say
That 1 soon shall sneeze away ?
When you see me pant and wheeze,
When you hear me cough and sneeze,
Run my orders to obey,
While I shake my fist and say,
Quick the mustard plaster bring,
No not that, you stupid thing;
Leave those bottles there alone.
Ah me! You have clumsy grown !
Darling I have got a cold, &i.
Tallowed nose may cure a cold,
Flannel wraps my limbs enfold;
Bring me gruel quick and fast,
Make it better than the last.
Some fresh blunder, I'm afraid,
With my mixture you have made,
You're so awkward when I'm ill;
Gracious goodness! Do keep still!
Darling I have got a cold, &c.
ONE thousand four hundred miles of electric telegraph
cable has been stored on board the Kangaroo. The
Kangaroo uses her paunch for the purpose, we presume.
IT is stated that at the forthcoming marriage of
H.R H. the Duke of Connaught there will not be-as
at previous Royal Weddings in St. George's Chapel-
seats in the nave. We fear that this arrangement will
be attended with no small amount of railing.
LaTEST TALL TALK FROM THE TIMBER YARD.-" Don't
be a chump," said one deal to another.
First Farmer:-"NOT SOLD THE OLD 'ORSE, NEIGHBOUR WHAT D'YB
ASK FOR HIM ? GIVE TE TWENTY "
Second Farmer :-" TWENTY WHY, I GAVE FORTY POR HIM NOT MORB 'N
A YEAR AGO !"
First Farmer :-" AK, WELL, WELL I! SEE YE AG'IN I YE'E THINKING'
double, I SEE, THIS EVENIN' "
HERE'S a thing called a beat
At the top of our street,
Which I wish my complaints to be loud
For there, to and fro,
A policeman will go,
SIn a dress he's offensively proud about;
He looks at his boots
With ecstatical shoots,
I And his eye lightens up when it rests
on 'em ;
With his helmet of felt,
And his buttons, you know, with the
crests on 'em.
And he looks with much scorn
Upon people who're born
To wear boots which they never have
blacked for 'em,
While the sneers upon those
Who've co purchase their clothes
From a tailor who doesn't contract for 'em ;
For, by laying such stress
Upon neatness of dress,
He considers them all his inferiors.
So that officer's soul
Is beneath the control
Of a hate of untidy exteriors.
If our "beaver is neat
And the boots on our feet
And the gloves on our bands are well fitting ones,
If our linen is white,
If our coat is all right,
And our trousers are gracefully-sitting ones,
He'll attend us for miles,
And he'll grovel for smiles,
And he'll deal an encouraging part to us;
And he'll offer his wife
As our servant for life,
A-repeatedly touching his hat to us.
But oh! what a sin
If our hat is smashed in,
And we've mud on our coat (or a speck of it),
If our collar's awry
And we've rumpled our tie,
And our shirt is undone at the neck of it I!
With an unctuous glee,
If he catches us, he
Makes the victims of infatuation us,
For seizing our arm,
To our rampant alarm,
Why he bundles us off to the station 'us' !
A Distinction with Small Difference.
To diminish desertions, according to the United Service Gazette,
" soldiers who desire to retire from the ranks before they have com-
pleted the present required period of service will be allowed to da so.
MORE DEADLY THAN A SNOw-DRIFT.-Rorke's-Drift.
A SHROVE-TIDB FANCY.
Whenever any party brings
His mind to self-inspection,
He soon observes how many things
Are apt to slip detection :
And when that mind he concentrates
On matters reckoned nought of,
He very often predicates
Analogies unthought of.
But parties who possess a mind
That no fatiguing step shuns,
Elucidating truth (I find),
Are isolate exceptions;
The generality of folk
Appear to live in dozes,
And scarcely see the things you poke
Beneath their feeble noses.
And that is why I undertake
To make the mild suggestion
That any whom you choose to make
The subject of the question
(Including those whose virtue true
Induces them to ban cake *)
Will >,ot perceive my likeness to
The ordinary pancake.
It's not, alone, that I am round
(In consequence of fatness),
Nor that, upon the whole, I'm found
Remarkable for flafness,
I've better reasons, far, than these-
I'd rather like to state them-
So kindly pay attention, please,
And I'll enumerate them:-
In cricket lore, in early youth,
I used to more than smatter,
In fact I soon, to tell the truth,
Became a perfect batter ;
While, after play, I'd stroll about
With her to see the moon up,
So Fate, there's little room for doubt,
Had stirred me with a spoon up.
Then, when commercial life began
To claim me as a plier,
Fate placed me in a firing pan
Extremely near the fi-er,
She did me most completely brown,
And then (how woe increases!)
She tossed me from her with a frown
And broke" me all to pieces t
To give a final notion how
Misfortunes overpow'r me-
My creditors are coming now
And going to devour ne !
"Dost thou think, because:thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes
and ale V"-Twelfth Night.
[FEB. 26, 1879.
And though it fail to make, perhaps,
True hearts, of ev'ry rank, ache,
It must impress on all you chaps
My likeness to a pancake.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON ACROSTIC MESOSTICH
I HAVE calculated, sir, that the sum total given away in prizes
annually by your contemporaries (chiefly those with a so-called
" Society tone) to their subscribers amounts to no less than
1,205 6s. 8d.. which you will admit is an amount by no means to be
sneezed at. There is a rumour, too, which you may have heard, that
a single lady, of uncertain age, who for the three past years secured
an average sum of 170 per annum by her unaided efforts at acrostic
solving, spelling-sentence elucidation, and so on, has, on the strength
of her undoubted powers in these directions, secured a husband, who
now humbly searches poets and encyclopedias under her direction for
given lights" or hidden quotations.
Now, it seems to me that whether the'acoounts of this gifted spinster
be true or not, there is something to be done in the way of securing
the 1,200 odd I have mentioned; and as I find that, unaided, even
my extra-special abilities will not suffice to pull off the amount, I
hereby propose to form an Acrostic, &c. Solving "Ring," on the
mutual benefit principle, to secure and divide the above sum.
Six members, I think, including myself, will be enough, and I
shall be glad therefore to receive the names of five individuals who
can produce special evidence of their success in the solution of: A,
Double and SingleAcrostics ; B, Spelling sentences; C, Mesostichs; D,
French puzzles; E, Hard cases. Out of the names sent in I shall
select the five most successful, and I shall then propose that they,
with me, form the aforesaid "Ring," for the securing of all the money
offered in the way of prizes for the various subjects named.
Each member will be expected, as a preliminary mark of confidence
and respect, to place 5 in my hands. This will form the working
capital of our prize-ring," as I may call it, I hope, without fear of
misunderstanding, and serve to pay the expenses of men put specially
on to search out extra-difficult lights" at the British Museum, the
cost of necessary books of reference for our united use, and the legal
expenses, if any, required to enforce our several claims.
As to the French Puzzles, I have fortunately picked up an un-
amnested Communard who will give the Ring" all necessary in-
formation on this head for a nominal sum per week.
So soon as our little company is complete, I shall arrange for a
meeting at which our mode of procedure will be arranged and future
meetings planned, for, though each of us will have his or her special
department, I think a general gathering, at which we can give mutual
hints and assistance for the common good, will be desirable.
I hope this appeal to the dite of Acrestic solvers, Mesostich un-
ravellers, and the like will not be disregarded, for however well they
may do by independent action, they must see that acting in unison we
should be invincible, and sweep all before us, not leaving even the
third prizes to the general public.
It would be very nice if I could get the Ring in working order
before starting for Africa, for it would indeed cheer me in the desert
wilds of that torrid continent to receive remittances from time to time
of my share of the weekly booty. All depends on the prompt coming
forward of the champion solvers as I have said, and if, as an earnest
of their intention, they were to send on the 5 notes in advance I
shall not be offended, let me assure them. But let us by all means be
An Appropriate Ornament.
"A rINE mammoth's jaw, three metres long, has been found at
Sothonay, near Lyons."-T'he Times, Feb. 14th. On hearing of this
find, the committee of the projected Home Rule Club instantly met,
we understand, and despatched their Secretary to the spot, with
instructions to procure the relic as an appropriate ornament for the
vestibule of the club-or perhaps for the jawing" room.
"It was a Dream."
AT Deal on Monday a sailor was sentenced to two months' imprison-
ment for refusing to go to sea with his ship, his reason being that he
had dreamt the barque in question would be lost. We sympat
with the seaman, whose sentence seems a Deal too severe; we suppose
that two months' imprisonment was a thing he never dreamt of.
WHAT is the trial of the Glascow City Bank directors to the trials of
the City Bank shareholders !
WHAT Roman emperor do we commemorate when we drink to our
noble selves "-Auguest-us.
THE JUDICIOUS HooxzE.-An absconding bank director.
FEB. 26, 1879.]
THE LATEST THING IN OPERAS.
SCENE: A Square in Seville. View of Guardhouse and Tobacco Factory.
Bridge at back.
MICHAELA, SOLDIERS, and WAYFARERS.
CHORUS. We have nothing to tell;
But four acts are before us,
And so it's as well
To begin with a chorus.
MIc. I wish to find a brigadier,
By name Don Jose. Is he here ?
Enter DON Jost and Guard with drum-and-flfe-band, followed'by a crowd
of small boys.
SMALL Boys. The spirited sounds of the fife and the drum
Will fully explain to you why we have come;
Because it's our nature to think it is grand
To fancy we're soldiers and march with the band.
Enter Cigar-girls, trying to smoke; then CARMEN, who ogles everybody in
general, and Josh in particular.
AIR. Amor misterioso."
CAn. Mysterious love! Wild, wilful bird,
There's hardly any knowing
(At least, so far as I have heard)
The manner of your going.
If I love him and he loves me,
It shows which way the wind is;
But if Ire loves another She,
Why, then-look out for shindies!
(Throws a flower at Josh, and exit with girls into Factory.)
MriCHanB comes forward.
Jost. What, Michaela!
Mic. Yes, 'tis I.
Your mother bade me hither fly.
'She sends her love, and also this-
Come, bend your head down-there, a kisa!
Du r. Jost and MICHAELA.
Queer events occur in plenty;
But surprise one cannot smother
When one sees a girl of twenty
Kiss soldier for his mother.
Rumpus. Enter Omnes. CARMEN placed under arrmt.
CaoRus. Oh, naughty Carmen, quite too naughty Carme n.
OFrICEa. Remove this peace-disturber to the gaol.
CAR. (deflanitly). D'ye think I care for you, sir? Ri tooral looral loo, sir !
JosE (aside). For the sake of this here flower I'll go bail.
At critical junctures consistent remarks
From the heroine never come ill;
So, to meet the occasion, I'll sing of the larks
That I'll have with the men of Se-ville.
Josh. Carmen, with love for thee I tremble.
CAR. I love thee, too, but must dissemble.
(Knocks down Josi as an impromptu barsrade on the Bridge, and escapes.)
SCENE : Tavern of Lillas-Pastia. CARMEN, GIPSIES and OFFICERS, drink-
ing, singioW, and dancing.
CKORUS. That we should dance in stately Spain
To tunes from France may not seem plain;
But Monsieur Bizet
Makes it easy
Tra la la la. (Whatever that may mean).
OFFICER. The Liquor Bill enacts that those
Who taverns keep their doors should close
CHORus. But stay, here's Escamillo;
So bring more-wine and hang the bill 0!
AIR. "'Toreador attento."
Esc. "Attentive Toreador," I hear eachdady say,
"Thou bravest of bull-fighters, come, talk with me I pray.
But your attentions somewhat tend promiscuous to be;
I therefore, sir, must trouble you to pay them all to me."
Carmen, you're pretty nice, I think.
CAR. Indeed ? Then take the tip-a wink.
[Exeunt all but CARMEN.
I linger for the handsome Jose.
Jost (entering). Look, Carmen, I have kept thy posy
Quite fresh, though (all through you) in quod
I've spent two months :-it's rather odd.
CAR. Come to the Third Act, fly with me !
Jost. I ought not- must-'twill be a struggle !
CAR. Come, my fine buck, and you shall see
How picturesque it is to smuggle.
SCENE: A wild and rocky spot. CARMEN, Josh, and'SMUGGLERS.
SMUGGLERS' CHORUS. You'll observe we are driving a lucrative trade
Which very small labour entails;
For a thumping big property's rapidly made
With thumping big property-bales.
CAR. (to Jost). Now, what's the row ?
Jost. Somehow or other
I can't forget my home and mother:
Infatuated as I am,
I still remember real jam.
CAR. You'd better, then, go home to tea.
lost. Ah, cruel, thus to speak to me !
I'd die at once; but, as a fact,
I'm wanted in the final Act. LExeunt Omnes.
Am. Io dico no."
I look nervous and hot,
In a fright and a fluster;
Yet I say that I'm not,
Though it's clearly a buster.
Enter EsCAMILLO and Joe, who meet.
Both atv nce. Though we each other never~saw,
We know we're rivals; ergo-draw !
(They fight. CARMEN ruswsian and separate them.)
:Esc.(signifcantly to JosE). A time will come! [Eat.
MzC. I hopelit won't.
Josf. I'll cut his throat!
CAR. Oh no, you don't.
Mic. (coming forward). Out her-'tis that for-which we'6 striven:
Come home and all shall be forgiven.
Josh. Done, done!
CAR. Leave me?
*Jost (p~aiwg). You see-hum-I-
CAR.(smakdingly). Did nureey fetch him then ? Bye, bye I
(Turns up her nose as MICHAELA leads Jost away.)
ScRENs: S lle. Bull-fight day. Walls of Arena at beck. Crowd
dancing, castanetting, and eating oranges.
CHORUS. As we fancy you've none of you seen a
Bull fought in the orthodox way,
Pray believe that outside the arena
It thus is our custom to play.
Because if we didn't waste time in some sort,
The last Act would be quite too awfully short.
Enter ESCAMILLo and CARMEN.
Onown. Attentive Toreador! Hurroo I
Esc. (to CAR.) Chuck, my attentions are for you.
You love me ?
Esc. But then that pup
Don Jose ?
CAR. Him I've chucked him up !
Exit EsOAMILLO into Circus. Enter Jost.
Josh. (wih emotion). Carrrmen! d'ye love me?
CAR. Not a snap.
CAM. Be hanged!
JosE. Then t'other chap,
My hated rival?
CAR. Just a few.
Josh. Carrrmen, Kyearhmen, you die! (Stabs
CAR. I dew !
JosS (puzzled). But why ain't I felo-de-se F
Esc. (Jubilant). I've killed the bull.
CAR. (as the Curtain is almost down). And he's killed me!
Tableau. CARMEN REDIVIVA, surrounded by legs of all nations.
[FEB. 26, 1879.
OUR BENEFIT SOCIETY.
We had a beautiful Sick Benefit Society, and, as we was all pretty strong and hearty, and never When, one day, an Old Boy joined the society. That Old Boy
ill, we used to have a nice little convivial sing-song evening twice a week with the funds, had "sick list" written all over him.
Well, he got ill there and then, and, if you'll believe it, he stuck at it regular. There he'd sit, enjoyin' gallon after gallon o' medsun and drawing his fifteen
shilling a week eick-pay. Ife 'ad to keep 'im-we couldn't git ill; we'd only got to pay up our shillin' a week.
L 'r y -.''-'-" :-,E : -.
S1 ; At ,, ,f- lI .- i -
Well, we got to that pitch we wouldn't stand it no longer; so we all made a deeplit effort and went ill. And that Old Boy was pronounced cured and-he!
he!- could t git ill no more: so he jees 'ad to keep the lot on us-and a site o' medsun we got through too-oh no !
FT-JN.-FEB. 26, 1879.
- I -
~/~qIq q 100''
WASHING THE BRITISH FLAG.
Mrs Dizzy:-" DRAT THEM NASTY LITTLE BLACKS, A WORRITING A POOR CRITTER SO; WHICH I MUST
RUB 'EM OFF SOMEHOW."
FEB. 26, 1879.]
"An action for breach of promise was brought at the Bristol
Assizes by aMissLongagainst Mr Hobart, son of Lieut.-Colonel
Hobart of Bath, and a member of the Oxford crew."- Vide Daily
ALAS! to think the cup of bliss
When near one's lips should slip so;
That young love's course should run amiss,
And I mourn like Calypso.
To think that all his vows should prove
As vain as those of Pistol;
That I should go to Bath in love,
And go to law in Bristol!
Dear Hobart, toi quej'aime 'twas wrong
To wound a heart so brittle;
I fancied that your love was Long,
But find, alas 'tis little.
I never dreamed your love for me
Would die for want of fuel;
That one of Oxford's crew could be
So faithless and so cruel.
I thought the lads were all true blue
Who represented Isis,
And never thought I should miss you
Who vowed to make me Mrs.
Avenge my cause, ye Cantabs kind!
And when your task's beginning,
Leave him, as he's left me, behind,
And be" with him as wining.
OF the three competitors for the London Champion
Belt, Vaugh an retired in ill health; Lewis had to give
up; on which Howes was declared winner. The first's
backers now cry "A-Vaughant! Avaughant!" when
they see him; the second's admit that "Lew-was"
not in it whatever Lew-is; whilst the third's friends
declare he's as strong as a Howes. Under the above
circumstances there was no reason to ask Howe's that,
THE claim advanced by Spanish grandees to what
they call sangre azul must be allowed to constitute a
very blue-dye form of self-assertion.
HARD TIMES IN THE CITY.
Hard-up City Man (to Clerk, who wants a rise) :-" HALF-A-CROWN A
WEEK MORE-IMPOSSIBLE; BUT-(happy thought)-I'll TELL You what I'LL
DO FOR YOU, I'LL TAKE YOU INTO PARTNERSHIP."
IT is well known that the domestic life of the celebrated R. B.
Sheridan was much embittered by the giddy conduct of his only son
Thomas. Having heard the tranquilizing virtues of tobacco much
spoken of, he recommended its use to the youthful offender, saying,
" My dear Tom, why don't you take a whiff ?" Whose whiff shall
I take, sir? P" was the counter-question.
Jonathan Swift, bettor known in literary circles as "the. witty
Dean of Saint Patrick's," once met in the streets a fellow carrying a
rabbit. Pr'ythee, friend," exclaimed the incorrigible wit, "is that
thine own rabbit or a Whig P "
The author of that elegant and harmless narrative, The Vicar of
Wakefield, was one day at a dinner-table where the peas presented a
somewhat coppery appearance. "They should certainly be sent at once
to Bishopsgate Within," observed Oliver Goldsmith (tne author above
mentioned). "Why so, doctor ?" inquired the hostess. "Because,"
he responded, amid the roars of the assembled company, "it is the
way to Bethnal Green!"
Charles Lamb was playing at whist one evening with his friend
B-, whose fingers were nearly covered with diamond rings. I
say, B-- ," observed the genial humourist, "if dirt were trumps,
what a hand of diamonds you'd have !"
Theodore Hook and a friend were one day driving in the neigh-
bourhood of Fulham when they noticed a tavern bearing the sign of
The Three Ravens. Why, the landlord of that house," observed the
ever witty Theodore, "must be as mad as a March hare."
In speaking of the keen sense of humour which is a prevailing trait
in the Caledonian character, Sidney Smith remarked that a Scotchman
would even regard a surgical operation as a joke.
Douglas Jerrold and Gilbert A Beckett were conversing about Guizot,
the famous French statesman and historian. "I think I ought to
know something of Guizot," said A Beckett (whose comic History of
England had just been published), considering that we both deal in
the same goods." So you do," Jerrold replied, but with a very
different pair of skulls! "
ROYAL Aquarium Theatre.-She Stoops to Conquer has been pro-
duced in a most satisfactory way, a well-selected company of com-
petent actors and every detail in the way of mounting giving evidence
of care and good taste. Mrs. Stirling as Mrs. Hardeastle is a finished
bit of art. Miss Litton, as Miss Hardcastle, is refined and accomplished;
Lionel Brough as Tony Lumpkin is comic to a degree ; in fact, the
entire company seems fairly imbued with the feeling of that part
of the eighteenth century to which the play belongs.. She Stoops to
Conquer is one of a series of standard comedies which Miss Litton
intends to produce at her theatre for afternoon performances.
The Duke's.-New Babylon, by Paul Merrit, is a marvel in its way.
Incident on incident of the most startlingcharacter crowds one upon
another with such rapid succession that none but the clearest young
heads can be expected to follow the plot. To the lovers of strong
sensationalism the piece will prove very attractive.
Gaiety.-Jo was played on Saturday afternoon by Jenny Lee and
her company. The piece is so full of pathos, and the principal cha-
racters so well sustained, that it must always draw good audiences.
A Perfect" Cure.
A MR. PERFECT, we notice, has just assumed the name of Dawson.
One would have thought that any weak and erring mortal who was
"Perfect" would have been glad to remain so, but here is a proof to
the contrary, for the gentleman concerned must evidently have sub-
mitted to the change with a "Perfect" indifference; or at any rate
have "Perfectly" made up his mind.
THE Glascow City Bank directors, it seems, now are "greatly
depressed." How about the shares ?
WHAT doesn't strike when it does strike ?-A clock, when it won't
THE WEEPING BIR C.-A schoolmaster's rod.
(FEB. 26, 1879.
WITHIN AND WITHOUT.
Lady :-" CAN YOU OBLIGE ME WITH A SCHOOL PROSPECTUS, OR ARE THE
rPRINcPALs wrrHIN ? "
,'ervant :-" THE PBRSPECTISERS AS IS GENR'LTY HERE, MUM, IS HABSENT
AT PRESENT, AND I'M SORRY TO SAT THAT JUST NOW WE'RE QUITE WITHOUT
THE "ORNAMENTAL PART."
A Court of Law. JUDGE and JURY sitting. Examination of witnesses
CHORUS OF COUNSEL, examining witnesses.
"Will you swear it ?" "Are you clear
As to your impression?"
Should you be surprised to hear
That's a mere digression ? "
What's your name, sir? Jones, or Brown?-
Neither ?-Either ?-Both, sir ? "
"Just oblige by standing down."
Mind, you're on your oath, sir !"
"Faultless Jury "-" Reason's guide"-
Not to be persuaded."
"Witnesses on other side
COUNSEL FOR THE PROSECUTION. This is my case, my lord.
COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENCE. And this is mine.
THE JURY. Oh, very good. The facts are clear as day.
We've heard the statements of the witnesses
On either side, and these have proved to us
How little doubt can rest in any mind
(Not wholly imbecile) about the verdict.
We will retire-two minutes will suffice.
THE JUDGE (surprised out of his dinity).
Why-bless my soul! Why-here '-I pray you stay !
You violate precedent I You ignore
The court's routine I You can't retire as yet!
You have not heard the--
FOREMAN OF JURY. CASE," my lord ? We beg
The Court's forgiveness for our ignorance !
We thought we'd heard the case.
"The whole of the orlop deck and the main deck forward are
being fitted for troops; the horses will occupy the ordinary
passengers' beiths, and accommodation is being provided for the
HAD the above statement in reference to the con-
veyanco of horses to the Cape in the DubZin Castle
appeared in but one daily paper, we should have
doubted its authenticity, but as a similar account was
printed in several of our contemporaries it is impossible
to suppose they are all mistaken. We should not have
expected in these enlightened days, however, to find
more care bestowed on beasts than men. One would
have thought that nowhere out of the country of the
Houynhyms would horses have been accommodated on
board a steamer in first class cabins, whilst men were
huddled up in temporary structures on the main deck.
All the same we are not sure that the horses will be very
comfortable in the "ordinary passengers'" cabin,
especially those who have to sleep in the upper berths,
and even if each has a cabin to itself it is doubtful
whether the ordinary passengers' fittings will not be
found in the way. Our notion is, the horses would be
better off tethered to the pillars and posts of the salle-d-
"manger," or, for that matter, in any other part of a
"stable" ship than the cabin. A natural place might
be found for one at least in the captain's gig, whilst
several more would be at home in the shafts of the screw.
Or why, since the engines are said to be so many
" horse-power," should not the quadrupeds on board
work out their passage by taking the place of those
A Clear Address.
THE Echo thinks it wonderful that a letter addressed to
should get delivered safely. But why ? Surely the
address is "a-parent" enough for anybody.
Berry Much So.
MR. GRAHAM BERRY, Premier of Victoria, has
arrived in London. Now it would be indeed strange if
any fruit result from this visit of Berry, seeing how
frequently a Berry gets plucked."
AN IMPORTANT THING ABOWT A PEDESTRIAN.-His
THE JUDGE. Oh-as to that-
You-well, you certainly have heard the case-
That is, the simple, pure, unvarnished case.
FORHMAw (surprised in his turn).
We thought the simple, pure, unvarnished case,
My Lord, was what we were required to hear ?
THE JUDGE (horrifiedj. Oh, dear me I No! The case is but a base,
A prosy pediment, on which to rear
A florid superstructure-Rhetoric.
You've heard the case- the simple statement-but
You have not heard the ORNAMENTAL PART:-
The speeches of the counsel twain-and MINE !
The superstructure Rhetoric, of course
Could never be, without its base, the case;
For this alone we tolerate the base.
When the counsel for plaintiff is known to rejoice
In a truly magnificent baritone voice,
Grand facial expression, and personal grace-
Can you fancy he comes for the sake of the CASE ?
When the counsel defending is reckoned to reach
So lofty a point in the culture of speech,
That Cicero's self would be out of the race-
Can you fancy he comes for the sake of the CASE P
When the council for plaintiff, with quickness of light
Can assume the pathetic-the tragic-the bright:
Make laughter and tears, as it were, interlace-
Can you fancy he comes for the sake of the CASE ?
When the Counsel defending can merrily play
At crushing the witness once and for aye
By bottomless hints that condemn and di.grace-
Can you fancy he comes for the sake of the c IsE ?
So come to the pith of it-can you suppose
That a Bench who is famed for his grandeur of nose;
That a Bench who has compassed the widest renown
By the fathomless meaning that lies in his frown;
That a Bench who with technical points can contrive
To muddle the cleverest jury alive,
And, breathing professional quibbles, efface
The notions their reason has formed of a case:
That a Bench with a presence so grandly profound
It impresses the air which encircles him round,
And awes into silence the flies in the place;
Cn possibly come for the sake of the cAsE ?
THE JuRY. A light breaks in on us! We never looked
Upon the thing before in such a light before;
Still, as our duty is, as we suppose,
To give the verdict; and the clear opinion
That we have formed might--
THE JUDGE. Be obscured, or changed
By listening to the,' Ornamental Part' ?"
I've not the slightest doubt it will be both. -
You will be str,8A'y subtle-witted men,
If you remember aught about the case
When you have heard the Ornamental Part' I"
THE COUNSEL FOR THE PROSECUTION AND THE COUNSEL FOR THE
DEFENCE (each separately addressing theju'y).
0, gentlemen, believe me, when
A dozen such enlightened men
Within one box assemble,.
The rays of Truth around are shed ;
Injustice, gasping, hides its head!
And Vice and Meanness tremble!
I pray you pluck from out your mind
All simple FACTS of any kind
As meaningless and hollow ;
And put your solid sense aside ;
And take as your exclusive guide
My few remarks which follow.
When this is done I think you'll see
You'll have to give the case to me:
With wisdom undiminished
Y u follow me; I've said enough
To jurors of the proper stuff.
0, gentlemen, I've finished.
THE JUDGE. For'fear some particles of light
Should still remain to you, in spite
Of counsel's clever pleadings,
Pray drain the deep Lethean cup
Of my exhaustive summing-up
Of all the late proceedings :-
Although the simple facts may go,
To prove a thing is so and so ;
And truths, evolved succinctly
In evidence, may show to us
That such and such a thing is thus,
Most clearly and distinctly;
A legal point may then arise
To show what is, is otherwise ;
We then consider whether
The point before decided (though
Remaining still in status quo)
Be altered altogether.
If thus the question (as we saw\
Be, ipso facto, bad in law,
The point for our digestion
Is whether this or that (although
Remaining thus) is so and so;
And you'll decide the question.
And if you think that so and so,
Is (inter alia) quid pro quo,
And are agreed completely-
0 Then such a verdict would be meet.
And now I think without conceit,
I've fogged" you very neatly!
THE JTRY, reduced to a state of mental pulp, retire for two days, and
then return and give a verdict of manslaughter "-the original case
having been an action for recovery of goois.
Extract from next day's newspaper :-" The JUDGE, after some severe
comments upon their imbecility, dismissed the JuRY as hopelessly
AT Easter the Rayalty will pass into the hands of Miss Fanny
Josephs, who commences her season with a new comedy by Mr. H. J.
Byron. This theatre has had several miss managers, but we shouldn't
be surprised if this one made a hit.
The last nights of Our Boys are announced, and the first night of the
new comedy is expected to take place about the 12th of April. This is
as it should be. We mean it is only right that our boys" should
make way for Our Girls.
Mr. Neville's place in the Two Orphans is now taken by Mr. Clifford
Harrison, who has made a most successful a-Pierre-ance.
On March the 17th'The Crisis will be succeeded by a new play, in
5 acts, by Mr. W. G. Wills, an author who always deserves to succeed.
It is stated that Mr. Irving intends to withdraw Hamlet after a
limited run, and in April will produce The Lady of Lyons. As Claude
and Pauline Mr. Irving and Miss Terry will be more than ever the
lions of the season.
Mr. Paul Merrit's new comedy, which will shortly be produced in
the provinces, is entitled Pickles.; If the plot at all resembles that of
New Babylon, it may be described as decidedly of the mixed" order.
To call at a friend's house about dinner time, and find him absent, is
a sign you will be disappointed.
To drop hot sealing-wax on your fingers is a sign you will be angry.
To receive advice of your mother-in-law's projected visit is a sign
you are going to leave home for a time.
To meet a bolting horse on the pavement implies that you are
going to run.
To dream of being run over by fire-engines is often a sign you
have had pork-chops for supper.
To pick up money is lucky.
If a man says I hardly like to ask you, old man! but "-it's a sign
he's going to borrow money.
To collide with three consecutive lamp-posts and fall over an apple-
stall is a sign you are not a Good Templar.
To lose money or jewellery is unlucky.
If you see a man buy Fun it's a sign he's going to laugh.
VEGETARIAN HOM(EOPATHY.-All the ills to which flesh is heir can
be cured by lent-ills.
A GooK who could not make pancakes informed her mistress that
she objected, on principle, to fritter away her time.
THERE is much talk just now about the gum tree, but you can get a
stick from any tree.
FEB. 26, 1879.],
92 FUNS [FEB. 26, 1879.
PLACE AUX DOMESTIQUES I-A RECENT REMINISCENCE.
Mitress :-" OH, MARY, I ALWAYS FORGET TO ASK YOu, How Is IT WE'VE HAD THE PAPER S0 LATE FOR THE LAST WEEK OR TWO F
DOES THE BOY NOT BRING IT IN TIME "
Mary:-"Oa, YES, M'M, THE BOY BRINGS IT IN TIME, M'M, BUT ME AND COOK, WE'VE GOT A TICKET IN THE PARISH EXHIBITION,
M'M, AND THE NUMBERS do TAKE SUCH A TIME TO READ THROUGH OF A MORNING' !
And the day isn't far when the flags may be palls,
THE BLACK COAT REGIME. And as robes of the ruler when ulsters may sweep;
"The Marshal is said to have remarked on retiring, If you want a President in While into the brains of degenerate Gauls
a black coat, try one.' "-Daily News. This unheard-of opinion may cunningly creep;
That however one likes purple, pink, or pea green
LONG ago did the burly old Reiter predict A black coat is the finest in which to keep clean.
La Belle France was a bell that was cracked through and through;
Years ago was her Casar successfully licked, So much f6r Buckingham-shire.
And her pockets turned out to the very last sou.
But who could have dreamedhave dreamed her degraded enough UNDER the new Inland Revenue Act twenty-three residents at Slough
To be led by-what's always in mufti-a muff? were summoned on Wednesday for keeping dogs without licenses, and
as they were all fined five shillings and costs, this town just now may
Oh! the braid and brocade, oh! the fringe and fal-lals, be termed the Slough of Despond.
Oh! the bobtails and tags, shall they no more, alas 1
Keep the land at the mercy of mess-room cabals, ow Ready, demy 4to. boards, Two Shillings and ciapense,
And abashed by the blaze of an epaulette's brass 4.
Shall sad-coloured cits teach the mob there are lots THE BRITISH WORKING MAN:
Of very bright ribbons make very tight knots ? BY ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.
There are warnings say, Yes, in the dawn which has come, And other Sketches by J. F. Sullivan. Engraved by Dalziel Brothers.
A dawn of your true bourgeois type, dull, and dun, The Designs of MR. SULLIVAN appear from week to week in the pages of
When to beat the reveilld the drum is-humdrum, "FUN." In compliance with numerous requests, a first instalment, in a
And the sun it announces no Austerlitz sun" ; collected form, is now produced under the title of The British
A nice coloured chaos some like and, alack! Working Man," which will be followed by a second collection-'" The
This is Barmony, yes, but a Whistler's-in black. British Tradesman, and Other Sketches."
ANDSU Per A ESSENn CSE :
2 00 2/6. Noo. 0. "PoIsTLTOLOa RA.PM"T T COan S
PATTERNS. OIT.... w ...UI w ....
Sold bh all Stationers; in d..Is.. and Gross Boxes. Send 7 stamp, for an PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
sorted anpe box o Jon He 70. Ge .stet. 1 eminiham. CAUTION.--f Cocoa thicken in the cup it proves th7 addition Ofotareh,
rSole W tes.Dale Lndon ACeni'-N. J.POWL &Co.. 1C1. nd Wh echa elE.d AIbse ( t he PE.Iro E.etofa)
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works. St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietois) at 158 Fleet Street, E.C.-Loandon, Februatry 26,1 879
A NOTE IN DISCORD.
Our amateur friends were about "to oblige" at our Penny Readings with the beautiful dust of "A.l 's Well," and were just composing their
features into their easy, professional smile, when-
Comic Man in front (in an audible whisper):-" Now, LET'S SEE 'EM make faces at one another BEFORE THEY BEGIN."
[Thereby queering the pitch altogether.
WHY HE NEVER TOLD HIS LOVE.
I LOVE her as I ne'er have loved before ;
And yet there is a mighty gulf between
The one adored and him who doth adore!-
A fairy she in pantomimic scene-
But though rich in devotion of coin I've a lack,
And my seat's in the gallery quite at the back.
I watch her midst the throng who sing and dance,
The queen of all in beauty, grace, and style,
In vain I try to win from her a glance,
A look of recognition or a smile.
Yet though high she aspires, no doubt, down below,
Ain't I high enough here, in the gall'ry's last row F
I see her later swinging in mid air;
A lovelier form no mortal's e'er could be,
To hope to make her mine I fondly dare-
She floats on high yet can't look down on me.
Though she soars o'er clown's heads, from the vulgar aloof,
I'm above her up here in my seat near the roof.
Am I too bold in hoping I shall win
Her love without a balance at the bank ?
How shall I try my courtship to begin ?-
She cannot spurn me for my want of rank.
Though a Princess (in pantomime), still it occurs
That my berth (in the gallery's) higher than hers.
So dear is she and yet so very far,
I know not how I best can press my suit.
And from a distance worship I my star
With eyes most eloquent but tongue quite mute.
'Gainst her noticing me it is very long odds,
Yet, though she is a goddess, I'm one of the gods.
Night after night I pine and mope and sigh,
Of her, and her alone, I ever think;
So far is she I cannot catch her eye,
Nor dare I hope she ever sees me wink.
For though rich in devotion of coin I've a lack,
And my seat's in the gallery quite at the back.
MR. CHARLES READE has written a letter to the Telegraph on Zulugy,
wherein he contends that the defeat of our Army was due to our
not being provided with a balloon d la corde, and Mr. Reade waxes
strong accordingly. He wants more brains (sent out to the Cape)
otherwise we shall be incapable. We thoroughly agree with him in
what he says, but think he is unnecessarily exercised about its being
hard to generate gas in a camp. Our experience is that the rising
generation are well supplied with gas anywhere.
A DORCHESTER poulterer, named Forse, sued the railway company
on Thursday for damage done to some fowls in transit. The Judge,
considering that the blame was due to the packer of the birds, gave
judgment accordingly, and, as it transpired during the case that the
poulterer had been previously charged with cruelty and convicted, he
seems by -Foise of circumstances to be nonsuited to these fowl
The Necessity of Education.
RAILWAY men ought, at any rate, to be taught punctuation.
Otherwise, how can they know how to place their points properly F
"BAD EFFECT OF WiNDOWS OPEN AT NIGHT."-Bats, beetles, and
burglars may come in.
A MIST-ACHE.-Rheumatism caught in a fog.
MAR. 5, 1879.]
94 FU N. [MAR. 5, 1879.
LIKELY TALES I
No. VIII.-THE PLACID PAUPER.
A SImrLE SoNG.
(Allegretto vieate.) People who uncharitably rep-re-sent
Poverty a synonym for dis-con-tent, ,
Cannot be acquainted with a chap I know,
Appositely designated "Pau-per Joe."
Strikingly successful as a phrase is what
Perfect satisfaction with his hum-ble lot"
(Meaning for to indicate his mind, you see),
Utterly and miserably fails to be.
Then sing "twiddle-widdle," till you find a term
Holding suitability's remot-est germ;
And sing (if you like) in a desperate state
Of "language" and "expression" and "inad-ejuate."
Carrying contentment to the dire-ful-pitch
Only noticed hitherto among the rich, ..
Joseph-when he's nothing in the world to eat-
Nothing on his person that is quite.com-plete-
Nothing but an attic to protect his head- ..
Little for a coverlet aid less for bed-
Nothing but the flooring uponrwhich to sit-
Dances and declares he doesn't care a bit.
Then sing "toddy-oddy till you quite suppose
Luxury's exemplified in patched up clothes;
And sing (if you like) w~th exuberant pride.
The pleasures of vacuity-that's worn in-side.
Summer will discover him upon the tramp,
Sleeping on the grass w lch he declares ain't damp,
Limping on his journey with a gen-tie smile.
Suffering from rheumatism all the while.
Never will indomitable Joe con-fees
Swollen feet are giving him the least dis-tress,
If you give him nothing,- oh, he nev-er swears,
Never goes and damages your half-ripe pears.
Then sing "luddy-fuddy," (which is only right,
Poverty's behaviour being so po-lite);
And sing (if you can) with a genuine joy,
Of the dusty perspiration and the thirst, my boy.
r f -- -a. i : ,. .! --!
Winter rains disturb him in his hum-ble -bed
(Coming through an aperture above his head),
When the rain's upon him he declares it nice
Feeling of it gradually grow to ice
(Swearing that with gratitude he's quite e-late,
Just because the beetles have a chance to skate),
Nothing then can agitate his calm con-tent,
Even if his landlord should distrain for rent.
Then sing tiddy-iddy (when your nose is blue),
"Weather, by the slitting of your boots, comes through,"
And sing (if you like) in a similar tone
Of the quantity of blood you can extract from stone.
Capital and labour, though depressed a-like,
Cannot bother Joseph-he will nev-er strike,
National depression may induce des-pair,
Joseph, though a pauper, says he don't much care;
Warfare, with its taxes, like a blight may fall,
Joseph scarcely notices the thing at all;
Pauper Joseph finally displays his nous
Going in content to what he calls The House."
Then sing what you will for the work'us' bloke,"
Revelling excitedly in heaps of "toke,"
And sing (if you like), with a touch of scorn,
It's jolly satisfactory that some are born !"
GARDENING FOR THE MONTHS.
SHITs TO AMATEURS.
Ikyou employ a jobbing gardener,to tidy up, keep a sharp look out
oreAi, or he will, indeed, job away at your hedges and edges, giving
your, privet the look of having just come out of Newgate, and
wheel away your box-at- a ratethat should entitle him to free
resid&ene within prison walls. Do iot let him either, when he is
makip your beds, carry off'y pets you may have left in them, under
preteoe that they are rubbisth and then sell 'you rubbish in their
places at high prices. You may not be able to'fence with roses, but
you oon cut them close to their eyes with'a sharp knife. If you see
your j6bber slashing away at your rose-sprays, bid him cut his own
stick, Look in at the large nursery gardens to find what is being
done anid carry home anything you can for your own use. Perhaps,
you had better confine yourself to ideas. The authorities mention a
variety of things which will do no harm" in a garden in March.
Adong list of these might be made out, as, for instance, singing a
codi6;'song whilst you are at-work; running a race with your wife
rouridthe grass-plat, etc., etc.; but we should advise you, on the
other hand, to go in for what will do some good. Take stock, and sow
stocks, china asters, etc. (N.B.-It is a vulgar error to suppose that
Dis(s)asters are peculiar to Norfolk.)
There is plenty to do in the kitchen garden. Opinions may differ
as to the best way of raising asparagus; for our own part, we prefer it
brought up on toast. To make sure of getting Broad Windsor beans,
purchase your seed at Broad Windsor, in Dorset. Many tradesmen,
we know, spend their leisure in gardening. We can recommend to
our sartorial friends beyond the Tweed, as an economical variety of
Kale, the Scotch Cabbaging. In the way of sprouts, Imported Dwarfs
can be highly recommended for exhibition; though that is more than
can be said of General Tom Thumb and Commodore Nutt. Heat is
necessary for the Chili; or it may be sown in May, under glasses.
To have your spectacles on when sowing will be of no avail. In case
the month should come in like a lamb, mind you have Lamb's Lettuce
ready for sowing. The Braganza cabbage is a vegetable of which its
raiser may make a boast. It seems strange that seedsmen who send
out seed-parcels should recommend the careless Alma lettuce, which
" folds without tying." This is the month for sowing mallow in
England; but in Ireland, all the year round, a Mallow can be found in
county Cork. This is also the great month for onion-sowing. To
game-preservers we recommend the Deptfords as being big, hardy,
and excellent keepers. To getters-up of regattas, the Queen, which
is ready to pull early in summer.
New Vermin Killer.
AN American lady has recently introduced a strange personal de-
coration. She has live beetles fastened to her dress with chains of
gold! It has been suggested that living cockroaches would form a
lively edging for garments. Cockechafers would be suitable placed on
the buzz-om, and gnats give a natty appearance to a bonnet. Fettered
earwigs hung in chains would make appropriate ear-ornaments, and
would be very killing."
A Reece-nt Case.
IN the theatrical libel case of Reece v. Wyman Mr. Sergeant Parry
said, "Mr. Reece being connected with dramatic literature, had no
hostility of any kind towards the Theatre." Considering that Mr.
Reece derives his income from play-writing, we think it is not sur-
prising. If he did entertain hostile feelings to the theatre we should
consider him decidedly un-Reece-onable, and anything but authordox.
The Bew-t Race.
IT will be perfectly natural that the lady backers of the University
crews should take to the water, like the ducks they are, for each will
show her proclivities by a "love" of a-blu-ti-on.
QUBER SUBSTITUTE FOR MELTED BUTTER.-S0me economical
persons pour melted gutta-peroha on their soles.
I |IT is a downright hatch-up to make out that the chick pea has ever
developed into the pea-fowl.
MA.. 5, 1879.] F JN. 95
THE GENTLE M.P.
UTJPRos the gentle 10adersun: he caught the Speaker's eye:
He questioned: and humanity awaited the reply:
Emotion shook his utterance; his heart was very full
Of British inkumanitie committed in Cabul:
He faltered to the Speaker, Gentle Speaker in the chair,
I want to ask the question if the Government's aware
Of dreadful information that the paper daily brings
How Roberts is committing such unutterable things?
Oh, somebody inform me; is it true or is it not
That he fights his wretched enemies with powder and with shot,
And naughty, naughty cannon-balls that frighten one to touch,
And nasty pointed bayonets that hurt you very much ?
They tell me it's reported that his heart's so very hard
That he doesn't let his prisoners assassinate the guard !
That, rather than he'd sacrifice a sea of British blood,
He'll positively conflagrate the villages of mud!
Oh tell me-(if the pens of correspondents haven't slipped)-
Oh tell me that the Government consents to have him whipped,
That wicked, wicked Roberts !-Oh, that one of Britain's sons
Should fight with heartless bayonets and nasty, nasty guns "
His feelings gained the mastery-he gave a little scream,
Did gentle Mr. Ganderson; and swooned; and had a dream.
He thought he reached a quarter where they filled a vessel full
Of stores and ammunition for the soldiers in Cabul:
He saw the dreadful implements of which the papers tell,
The nasty pointed bayonets and naughty, naughty shell;
And, quailing at the wicked preparations round about,
He made a little stratagem; the which he carried out:
Collecting all the rifles, he escaped behind a wall,
And stuffed a bit of wadding in the muzzles of them all;
He took the nasty bayonets and hid them out of hand;
And emptied all the cartridges, and filled them up with sand ;
He took the troops' provisions out, replacing them with toys
And sugarplums and crackers for the Afghan little boys;
And when he'd slyly finished, then the vessel sailed away,
And gentle Mr. Ganderson was jubilant and gay.
And then the merry enemy, with battle-cries and whoops,
Annihilated utterly the wicked British troops,
Whose bayonets were missing, while the rifles wouldn't shoot:
And then the merry enemy possessed them of the loot;
They took the toys and sugarplums with gratifying smiles,
And afterwards proceeded to invade the British Isles.
They captured Mr. Ganderson, with ultimate design-
(A specimen of gratitude)-to chop him very fine ;
When gentle Mr. Gandergon, awaking.with a yell,
Abandoned war to generals-who do it quite as well.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL EN ROUTE FOR ZULULAND.
ON THE HIGH SEAS, Feb. 28th, 1879.
(By Special Telephone.)
THE captain has just told me, sir, that there is land on the star-
board bow, and my heart is wildly beating at the thought that I may
soon put my foot on the shore I seek. For my own sake, and that of
my devoted editor (meaning you, sir), I hope I am not destined to put
my foot in it as we4; but my design is such a daring one- such a
Leona-Daring one I had almost said, as I remembered the demands
which will probably be made upon my athletic powers-that it is by
Bo means sure I shall accomplish my proposed feat, even by force
of arms. What with/feat and arms I am prepared to go to extremities
though, you aee.
It is my intention at.first, however, as you are aware, sir, to rely on
strategy and artifice; and even now, as the land looms more distinctly
on the starboard bow, I have attired myself in that Ethiopian disguise
to which I intend to trust. Like those distinguished African minstrels
of the metropolis, who never appear out of London save when they
perform in Cork," I have so successfully blackened and polished my
complexion-my cheek bones are extra-specially sore with the high
polish I have just brought upon them by means of a hard boot brush-
that whatever my future misfortunes may be, no one will be able, with
any trace of reason, to Call me a luckless "wight," whilst, that is to
say, my countenance remains so black as it is.
I have used cork in thus darkening my features, not only because it
blackens one so efficiently, but also for its lately developed capacity
for assisting in the development of pedestrian powers. The more
" Corkey I am, in fact, the better able shall I be, I hope, to prose-
cute my journey.
The eminent Q.C. whom I retained to assist me in the prosecution
of that journey weakly held back at the last, I may add parenthetically.
My battered white hat, which has gone through six eventful seasons
on Ramsgate sands, my bright bed-curtain pantaloons, my cheery
chintz shirt, my expansive collar, my swallow-tail coat-thanks to
which I hope to accomplish my task like a bird "-are all distinctly
Ethiopic in cut and character; whilst the specially constructed banjo
slung across my back, the onacertina strapped on my arm, and the
"bones protruding, ready for use, from my waistcoat pocket, show
that I shall not, in effecting my design, be at all exclusive in my
choice of instruments.
My design, briefly, then, is, on lanpdig on the coast of Zululand, to
at once set myself to work, or rather tp play, my way into the interior,
till I come upon in g Oetewayo, whose confidence I hope to gain in
my assumed charaeter of a Wandering African Minstrel from the
Sandy Realm of Ethiopia.
To the more successfully worm myself into his majesty's good
graces, I have been practising the meanest economies on board the
ship that has borae me hither. In fact I have, I think, made a
regular screw" of myself, and screws, as you know, can worm into
The boat is waiting to take me to the shore; and having secreted
my reserve repertoire of music up my back, and a store of burnt cork
and spare catgut about my person, I am ready to land and commence
this hazardous expedition of extra-special correspondence in a hostile
land of the dreadful assegai.
Shall I take it as a good or a bad omen that at this trying moment
I am assez gai myself ?
I have decided to take my end of our telephone ashore with me,
and shall keep up communication with you by its means as long as I
can. Wire is not likely to fall short in a land where all are so
Music has charms to soothe the savage breast," says the poet. I
shall soon test the truth of this statement, for the moment has now
arrived for being rowed ashore. So no more, save to add that Touch
the harp gently for pretty Louise I" will be the melody that first
awakes the echoes on this hitherto discordant coast. Perchance it
may prove my own requiem.
THE RULE OF THE ROAD.
For the French President.
M. GREvY, should this meet your sight,
Pray learn this little song :
"Go to the Left' and you'll go right-
To the Right' and you'll go wrong."
Wx are not surprised to notice that the United States frigate
Constitution has come for a second time to grief, and been towed into
port a disabled wreck. After the severe strain to which the Consti-
tution was subjected during the last Presidential election, and the
censurable behaviour of the crew, the wonder is that it has not become
an utter wreck long aGo.
96FU [MA. 6, 1879.
Such a LISTENER A. was I A gem among Listeners. First B. would invite him to dine, and
detail to him minutely every uninteresting atom of his past life.
Then C. would invite him, and go right through those nine thousand
and seventeen anecdotes of celebrities again.
And then D. would invite him, and unwind his ten miles of "good things" And one day, not content with that, the three together send him an invite to
;e had said to fellows, or heard fellows say to fellows, or heard dine, intending to have a right down good evening at him. There was
of fellows saying. a weird meaning in his face as be read the note.
He accepted. The cloth was removed. THEx, like a torrent, he burst forth-ratt d off all B.'s past life right through-went on with C.'s 9,017 anecdotes-
unwound D.'s ten miles of good things-and finally let 'em have the backs of twenty Family Heralds, five pages of the dictionary, and the winning
numbers in the Paris Lottery. B., C., and D.just escaped being dead men.-but they tell no tales now.
I FTJN.--MACH 5, 1879.
~N~N ~ N ~-
- ~ QNN
-- .~- .~-
THE FOOTPRINT ON THE SAND.
IT happened one day about noon, going to see the inscription I had writ in the sand, I was exceedingly surprised with the print
r of a black man's naked foot on the shore. I stood like one thunderstruck."-Robinson Beaconsfield Crusoe.
MAR. 5, 1879.]
Mrs. McGubbins (who perceives her landlord on He who received the penny (having looked round the The snowball that hit Mrs. McGubbins dis-
her track): "Here, boy, here's a penny. Snowball corner): "Oh, Bill id yer see the old swindle give me arranged her ai ial't&sthso that she couldn't
that old man coming round the corner." a penny to snowball an old man, and blowed if it ain't close her moath, and; thilkhing she had look-jaw,
my grandfather. live it her hot." she sat downinthe snow 4nd screamed horribly.
LAYS OF MY LOVES.
IV.-THE LAND OF LONG AGO.
As watching the rays of the sinking sun,
Caressing and kissing the hills good-night;
As watching the sea as the day was done,
A shimmering mirror of lambent light,
Warm soft from her ambient topaz flush,
As the sun-god glorious drooped to rest,
To the rosy gleam of a burning blush
As pillowed his head on her heaving breast!
Far, far and away, on his either hand
Was miraged a bank in a purple glow,
Which seemed as the shore of some mystic land
Where I and my love in our fancies stand-
The Land of Long Ago I
As watching the rays of the rising moon
In the pale pure light of her virgin zone;
As watching importunate wavelets soon
In sympathy tinge to her softer tone,
Insensibly, silently, fade away,
Lulled low by her calm to their slumber deep,
As the soft, sad eyes of your love will say-
Oh, rest on my bosom, and, resting, sleep "
Far, far and away shone a silver band,
Where heaven looks ever to trend below,
Which seemed as the shore of some mystic land,
Where I and my love in our fancies stand-
The Land of Long Ago I
" Oh, Love! In the barque of your fancy's bliss
For which of the lands do you set the sail ?
Far nearer to heaven are both than this-
To the purple warm; or the silvern pale ? "
She answers: My heaven is near'st the coast
Where true to your troth you will e'er remain,
Where loved and beloving, my heart shall boast
An exquisite rest from all earthly pain!"
" Oh! nearer, my own, is that love-lit land
Than visions in fanciful distance show,
'Tis where my caresses your lips have fann'd,
Where, love, at this moment we fondly stand "-
The Land of Long Ago!
Oh! why should the heavens resent a joy-
Too-heavenly sense of a grace to be ?
All bliss that is born of the earth destroy-
Oh I why should my love have been torn from me ?
To where did the gods in their JUSTICE raise
My love when they wakened me out my dream ;
Afar to the land of thepurple haze,
Afar to the land of the silver gleam ?
And watching, I wonder so oft which strand
Her presence is hallowing: doomed to know
When fitness of things shall, in time command
That I on the other shall t.ke my stand-
Th ;uand of Long Ago!
THE SWELL A LA. MODE.
MARMAD KE LB CROESPIGNY MoxNURCuacsoN was a swell of a very
pronounced type, though the same cannot be.said of his name, which
was,, often pronounced anything bat .properly. Marmaduke.lJ
Crespigny Montmurchison lived for aeUlldom... His aim in. life was
to be considered what he considered himself-a. swell. He had no
desire-to be thought a genius; to have mistaken .hip.(or the greatest
and most shining light in the literary or scientific world would have
put him out, he would simply have thought you awfully low. The
idea of a Montmurchispn being caddish enough to be clever the very
thought is demoralising I There was nothing positively criminal in
this desire, but there was one thing which seriously retarded the young
man's prospect of attaining his desiredreputation-he was poor. There
was no disguising the disgusting fact, he unmistakably lacked wealth,
and was compelled at times to take his meals at certain places more
patronised by city clerks than by peers of the realm. On one of these
occasions he met a friend who had plenty of wealth but little pride,
who was naturally astonished at seeing his aristocratic acquaintance
partaking of a plate of alamode beef and carrots. Well to be sure,"
said the friend, who on earth would have thought of seeing you
here ?" Who, indeed," said Montmurchison; "I never was in such a
dreadful place in my life ; but the fact is, to tell the truth, I was dining
out last night, and I fear I had rather too much champagne and was
recommended to this place as being the best in London for alamode
beef, which is the only thing I fancy when I am seedy; but I don't
think I should have come had I known what the establishment was
like." This explanation was quite satisfactory to the friend whose
belief in Montmurchison's grandeur was just about to be restored, when
unfortunately a waiter passed to whom Monty's face was not unfamiliar.
" Good morning, sir," said he to him; "why, you're quite a stranger,,sir;
haven't seen you for more than a week, sir."
A Legal Failure.
IT appears to be "in the eternal fitness of things" that all bank-
ruptcy laws should be failures, that a professional trustee should not
be trusty, and that liquidation means a melting away of assets!
THERE has been a partial strike among some of the mill hands at
Leicester, but fortunately matters have been adjusted and work
resumed. This is particularly lucky for the strikers, as the Leicester
mill hands were bound to be worsted ones.
WHmu should a sluggish football player be sent P-To Bac-up P
[MAR. 5, 1879.
(Gentle Hibernians waiting for Saxon Landlord.)
DJn'l:--" SHURE NOW, PAT, 'WHAT A 8HUPARIOR DIFFIRINCE IF HB WAS IN ENGLAND
HE WOULD BBE BOTHERATIONED OUT OF HIS LIFE WID STHBIKES, BUT HERE HE'LL BE
NATELY SHOT DEAD JIST FOR ALL THE WORLD LIKE A BALE GENTLEMAN."
THE twenty-third anniversary of the Dramatic, Equestrian, and
Musical Sick Fund was held on Ash Wednesday, under the presidency
of Douglas Straight, Esq., and was as usual a Stirling success. The
society is to be congratulated on the selection of a chairman who gave
the public (and the Sick Fund) the Straight tip.
It is said that Miss Kate Bright, the author of "Where are you
going to, my pretty maid," will shortly produce a new play at one of
the most popular London theatres. We trust the lady will be suc-
cessful in Katering for the theatrical public, who will gladly welcome
a Bright production in these dull times.
On Easter Monday a new comedy, entitled Light and Shade, will be
produced at the Aquarium, in which it is stated Miss Litton and Mr.
Lionel Brough will appear, supported by a full company. We pre-
sume this means that the company is one that does not play to empty
Mr. Holland has succeeded in arranging for the appearance of Miss
Heath at the Surrey, an engagement which is Shore to be a success.
Miss Eastlake, who has been seriously ill, is announced by a con-
temporary to be in a fair way to recovery. We wonder whether there
is a brunette way to recovery ?
QUARRELLING WITH ONE'S BREAD AND CHEEBE.-A dramatic author
prosecuting The Theatre.
My desk is full; from all the ends
Of earth I do believe I've letters;
Those links which bind to distant friends
And di-iaut duns-Cadmean fetters.
"Dear sir-th' instalment falling due
Last week has not as yet been settled,"
Who said it had P Your words are true,
But, County Courtier, don't be nettled.
A note from Julia. Well, well !
Inviting me of course for Sundav ;
Spelt with an 0. Still, I can't tfll
Why it should not be spelled like Monday.
"Dear Bob-your kindly heart I know,
And needlessly I would not task it,
But can you lend- I can't, so go,
My needy friend, into the basket.
My maiden aunt writes up to say
She's going shopping in the City,
And purposes with me to stay
And lunch. She will, and-more's the pity.
"Dear sir-Your essay has defects,
And's not quite suited to our pages.'
And he's a judge and now rejects
The best thing he has had for ages.
"Dear sir-The open heart and hand
To help the poor and needy willing
Is- Quite so. Yes, I understand,
But, if I know it, not one shilling.
From Ella this. She bids me take
Good heart and hope, nor be downhearted.
Sweet little note for her dear sake
Who penned these lines, we'll not be parted.
The last of all! and makes amends
For all the ills in other letters ;
Those links which bind to distant friends
And distant foes-Cadmean fetters.
Not a Bad Egg.
ANCIENT records-which are invariably strictly
correct-inform us that Helen of Troy was
hatched from an egg. It is to be hoped that
Dr. Schliemann may yet discover her shell
among the ruins of Troy. This would be an
eggstraordinarily eggshellent result of his eggs-
WHICH is the easiest method of making a thin
man fat ?-Throw him from a height, and he's
sure to come down plump.
A True Charity.
THE London Cottage Mission continues its good work in providing
hot "Irish stew dinners for hungry children at Condor-street Hall,
Limehouse. The committee are much in want of funds to enable them
not only to carry on but to extend their operations, which, indepen-
dently of feeding the hungry, include free reading-rooms, extensive
schools, and much practical work of charity. We feel that at this
season we are justified in making an earnest appeal on behalf of this
great work of charity.
Pity for the Poor.
AT a collection made in one of the suburban churches for the benefit
of the starving poor, the plate was held to a rich man well known in
the neighbourhood for his miserly habits. "I have nothing," was
the reply. "Then take something, sir," said the collector; "the
collection is for the destitute poor."
Is Flour by any other Name as Wheat?
"THE men connected with the plaster-of-paria flour case are com-
mitted for trial." Supposing they are found guilty, of what willit be ?
Plaster-of-Pariscide, or what ?
WHAT articles of feminine apparel would suit the feet of a mermaid ?
MAn. 5, 1879.]
MR. JOHN JOSEPH BURKE is, whatever else his enemies may say of
him, a young gentleman of exemplary politeness and affability. It is
certainly to be deplored that these virtues are somewhat discounted by
the unpleasant fact that Mr. Burke is a thief ; but it is at least some-
thing in his favour that when charged with stealing Post-office letters
entrusted to him as a carrier for delivery-or let us say with burking "
them-he not only admits the offence, but with much urbanity
" thanks the Post-office authorities and the witnesses for the clear and
able manner in which they have conducted the case and given their
Should the graceful precedent set by Mr. Burke be imitated, as
it deserves to be, we may presently find that Messrs. Palmer,
Druscovitch, &c., have moved to endorse the convict Beason's
application for a remission of his sentence, by testifying to
the excellent service rendered by him in bringing them to justice. Mr.
William Sykes, moreover, the next time he is detected in, the act of
" cracking a crib will probably be heard to express his admiration of
the activity and intelligence that so opportunely interposed to stop his
"little game;" while Mr. Margarine Bosh, upon his next conviction
for vending an article as imported," may haply render an apprecia-
tive tribute to the science that penetrates the mysteries of his villainous
merchandise. Even 0,042,010 may honour the sagacity of a Prodgers
that declines to pay four or five shillings for an eighteenpenny cab-
hiring; and in view of this prospective amelioration in the manners of
the criminal classes a word of praise may be due to the interesting
John Joseph, for that, prone as he is to burke the correspondence of
the public, he is not actuated by any unfair desire to gag Justice.
SONGS HOF SURPRISE.
WITNESSES TO CHAR iCTER.
OB; quite a dozen years ago
Our knowledge of him first began-
A dozen mortal years! And so
I think we ought to know the man.
He told us once- (and brought it out
With no uncertain hint, or dim
Pretence of' beating round about)-
How good aman we found in him.
We never saw him beat his wife
Or drag the baby out of bed!
We never saw the wicked life
'The stupid jury thought he led!
Whe never saw the man besmirch
His soul with crime, or be depraved:
But once we saw the man in church,
And he was very well behaved.
And as to that unheard-of fudge
(But scandal has such rapid wings !)-
Believed in by the learned judge,
About his forging cheques and things-
Pooh I Go and tell a hopeless dunce
That these are depths our friend could reach:
We saw him at a dinner once;
He made a most high-minded speech.
And as to "drink" and "off his head"-
Why, that's confuted in a trice ;
I heard he frequently has said
That he considered drink a vice !
And as to wife in rags," and that,
And "children starved, unwashed, and lean "-
We saw him at a ball, as fat
As man could be, and strangely clean.
And murder Bah !-the joke's too grim
(The verdict must have been in fun !)-
Why, I myself conversed with him
The night they said the deed was done;
I mentioned murder," by the way,
A word he paled and shuddered at;
Would any but a saint betray
Such sensibility as that .
How could the thing escape our ears
If he had meditated crimes ?
We'd known him quite a dozen years,
And seen him quite a dozen times:
Yet our opinion, set at nought,
Was put aside for paltry facts;
The dunderheaded jury thought
The man was guilty of the acts !
Out of the "Draught."
COLDS in the head and influenza have been unusually prevalent of
late in the British army, one would think. At all events, there is
scarcely a regiment in the service that has not been subject to a
decided draught" since the news from Zulu arrived. But it is an
ill wind that blows no one any good, and the same draughts," so
weakening in the one case, have had the effect of making the
regiments going abroad all the stronger in their constitution.
"Necessity is the Mother of Invention."
THE other day a policeman in pursuit of a prisoner, finding that the
man was likely to escape, threw his helmet at him, and knocked him
down with it. This will be a welcome event for the authorities who
have been so mercilessly chaffed about the inutility of these helmets,
since it must be admitted that one of them at any rate has made a
hit, a palpable hit."
Bundles of Faggots.
THE Daily News returns repeatedly to the charge about the manu-
facture of faggot votes in Midlothian. It will not act on the good old
principle of the proverb, seemingly; and even if these tactics of the
Tory party be forgiven, they will not be fag-got;" and we must
confess that these faggots" do constitute a burning question.
"For Better or Worse."
WE could never understand the strong hostility shown by book-
makers" and "list-men" to the legislation of a restrictive character
with regard to the Turf. Surely they ought to see that whatever
reforms may be carried, each one of them is only after all a change
for the better.' "
A "Redful" Change.
THE Volunteers are shortly to be dressed in the scarlet uniform of
the line. 'Nor can they bidt be glad of a change that will enable them
to cry on the day of danger,-" Reddy, ay, reddy !"
A fric-a FORTUNE.-At the beginning of this little game of war
Lord Chelmsford won the toss, for he told Cetywayo "Heads I win,
tails Zulus." .. ... ..- -
A CHEmsIRE clergyman who is very fond .of fowls had a favourite
cock he called Robinson, because it Crew so.
102 FUN. (MAR. 5, 187.
A LAME 'UN.
Benevolent Gentleman:-" BLIND! WHY, MY GOOD MAN, YOU SEEM TO HAVET THE USE OF YOUR EYES."
Beggar (rather taken aback):-" OH, LOR! I AIN'T GOT THE RIGHT EOARD-MINE' DEAF AND DUMB.' "
OLD AND NEW.
I WENT last year to a jovial party,
When dark December was well-nigh dead.
The host was kind and the hostess hearty ;
Our thoughts were banished from home and bed.
We talked, we laughed, in a style befitting
The cognac, whisky, and milder gin.
Oar object, reader, was only sitting
The old year out and the new year in.
For Smith was with us, in all his glory,
And Brown was present in extra force ;
Young Thompson told us a splendid story,
While Jones was brimming with puns, of course.
You must confess, for a social being
The task was easy to drink and grin
A first-rate way, on the whole, for seeing
The old year out and the new year in.
The fun grew fast as the time was flying ;
The hours got bigger that first were small.
The dance and lyric we still kept plying,
And none took note of those hours at all.
Our mirth set fairly the rafters ringing,
For Care we cared not a paltry pin.
Who knows one pleasure on earth like singing
The old year out and the new year in P
At five, a.m. (as I now conjecture),
I reached my home and my sleepless wife:
I crawled upstairs to a curtain lecture-
The worst I've suffered in all my life.
Farewell, ye pranks of a mad night's playing!-
One year may close and the next begin;
But none shall anywhere find me staying
The old year out and the new year in.
Now Ready, demy 4to. boards, Two Shillings and Sizpence,
THE BRITISH WORKING MAN:
BT ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN HIm.
And other Sketches by J. F. Sullivan. Bngraved by Dalsiel Brothers.
The Designs of MR. SULLIVAN appear from week to week in the pages of
" FUN." In compliance with numerous requests, a first instalment, in a
collected form, is now produced under the title of The British
Working Man," which will be followed by a second collection-" The
British Tradesman, and Other Sketches."
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MAx. 12, 1879.]
THE EMPRESS' INCOGNITO.
THe EmpreEs Pash has crossed the sea
With no array escorted,
Requesting that her trip may be
Because she wishes none to know
Her route or destination ;
And thereupon we give below
The fullest information.
'Tis her request,
The wish express,
For fuss to be discarded,
(That she may go
May not be disregarded.
She crossed the Straits from A to B
(The weather suiting nicely),
And stopped and breakfasted at C
At ten o'clock precisely;
She ate some truffles, coffee, bread,
And shrimps and curried rabbit;
She had a hat upon her head,
And wre a riding-habit.
'Tis her request
The wish exprest
That papers shouldn't mention,
But let her go
May meet some slight attention.
According to report, we see
The Empress is expected
To reach the terminus at D
At two. The route selected
Is so-and-so. We haven't yet
Unearthed her destination;
But very soon we hope to get
Some further information.
The just request
Of such a guest
The populace will side with
Her wish to go
Will surely be complied with.
SOME may say that it is this, and some that, which
makes the quarter loaf go up, but in our own experience
we have found that it is yeast which causes bread
DOTS BY THE WAY.
A ROYAL WEDDING!
A WEDDING Hurrah for the wedding, say I!-
Hurrah for the lads and the lassies ;
We'll wish them good luck and a sunny bright sky,
And dance to the ring of the glasses.
Now Connaught is going to bring home his bride,
A bright little rosy-faced darling,
We'll give her glad welcome by warm fireside,
Though some of the boys may be snarling.
Three cheers for the maiden,-three cheers for the lad,-
Let roses' aroma be shedding;
Three cheers! May the guests be all merry and glad,
And joy-bells ring sweet at the wedding.
May hope that is bright, with its sunniest ray,
Aye lighten the hours with its joying,
And all their life long be one blythe wedding-day,
No shadow to bring them annoying.
Clergyman:-" I WANT A TIN op COCOATINA. How MUCH Is IT F"
Shopman .-" ONE SHILLING AND THREEPENCE, SIR."
Clergpman:-" OH, Bur I CAN BUY IT AT THE STORES FOR ONE SHILLING AND
Shopman:-" VBRY POSSIBLY, SIR. I BELIEVE TYOU GET ABOUT FIVE
FOUNDS FOR EVERY SERMON YOU PREACH, AND I CAN BUTY A BETTER ONE THAN
ANY OF YOURS FOR A PENNY."
A wedding Ah bright may the honeymoon glide !
We'll give them a hearty good greeting;
Three cheers for the lad, and three cheers for the bride,
May mirth be the guest at their meeting.
A Bootiful Character.
ON Tuesday, at Burslem, an ex-3Methodist preacher named George
Kent, who knocked a woman down in the street, kicked her very
brutally, doing her great injury, and when dragged away from her
was found to have a freshly-sharpened table-knife in his jacket pocket,
was-fined 20 We can scarcely credit it. It seems impossible that
a man should be subjected to such persecution in the present day.
Fancy fining a man for simply half killing a woman with his hob-
nailed boots! The poor fellow's case is one that really should be
looked into, for perhaps it will turn out the woman might have
annoyed him in some way.
The .Eho says that in Friday night's Dublin Gazette "an order was
published revoking Mr. Rea's licence to carry or have arms." Not-
withstanding that this gentleman's eccentricity may be considered
dangerous, we think it .Rea-lly too bad to deprive him of his limbs,
though it is certainly an effectual method of keeping him oat of 'arms
THE condition in which Weston finished his walk of 2,000 miles was
singularly appropriate-viz., senseless. The fact of his swerving from
side to side, and his attendants having difficulty in preventing him
from falling into ditches, shows that he reely ought not to be allowed
to make such an exhibition of himself.
IT is an honour to receive a centre-piece, but 'who likes to have a
centre-bit brought te his house ?
104 F J o [MAR. 12, 1879.
AN INCIDENT OF AFGHAN LIFE.
TWICE a year did he
journey forth through
the passes down into the
plains to sell the produce of
his orchards in Kohistan to
4 : the Feringhees, and now was
i his time of going; but Shere
Ali had closed the passes,
and he stayed at home. Still,
h 'he was wealthy, so it mat-
tered not. The fruit rotted,
l and he regretted-still, it
4k mattered not much. He, in
his house in the Bala Hissar
quarter of Cabul, had eaten
well, and drunk freely of
the good wine of Shiraz,
finishing up with the green
P 1tea-that comes on the Bac-
iW- trian camels from Russia,
I through Bokhara. Smoking
tresses down with the gum of Araby, adorn the hookhar, which hal last
," ^ ,A -- ^~ (and nineteenth) wife had
their earsi filled withwith the rose-water
distilled in the gardens of
Cashmere, he had watched
^ vhis numerous spouses in the
zenana plaster their black
tresses down with the gum of Araby, adorn the holes pierced all round
their ears with the silver rings, laden their eyelids with kohl after the
manner of the Feringhee women, rouge their cheeks in like manner,
and pick them out with the gold tinsel, previously to donning their
boorkhas, and looking out from the purdahs, which are little slits of
windows, at the passers-by. Then he goes forth, passing through the
Harem Sarai gate, and, crossing the Cabul river, he saunters slowly
tLrough the suburb of Deh Afghan, and leaving the Shor Bazaar
behind, he comes to the Chahar Chutta, the new bazaar, which has
sprung up in place of the four arcades built in the days of Aurungzebe,
and destroyed by the cursed stranger in the times of mighty Ackbar
Kahn. Suddenly his stolid apathy deserts him, and he becomes alive
to the presence of a becoming pair of tiny red slippers surmounted by
a white boorkha, surmounted, in its turn, by a yashmak with two slits
in it, through which flashes a pair of soul-stirring eyes. The fair owner
of these penetrating orbs is bargaining with the obese Oozbek proprietor
of the dokan about the price of a silver bangle, brought all the way
from Bombay, through Peshawur, by the sleek Banneahs, from
Hindostan. He draws nearer. She is a Kussilbash, for is she not
scented with attar ? Her voice falls on his ear like unto the rippling
of the water that flows from Zem, the sacred well at Mecca, or the
sound of the zel when its strings are swept by the fire-worshippers of
Yedz. He plucks her by the robe. She turns and starts.
"Nazr ibn Yama suiz-shan," he whispers softly; which is, being
interpreted, Eyes as of the diamond in the forehead of Yama, I love
Zip !" she replies; which is equivalent to the German "So !"
He buys the bangle for her. I would fain buy thee," he
murmurs; I would, by Yamuna, the sacred river of the Hindoos.
Whose are you, that thy worshipper may trade for thee ? Do not I
trade with the Feringhees-therefore cannot I trade with thy father ?"
"I have been already traded for," is her answer, with a smile he
"Let us walk on," he says. Covered by thy veil, not all the eyes
in the four heads of the Hindoo god Brahma which look to the four
corners of the earth could know thee-nay, not even the pardonably
suspicious eye of thy master." And they walk on to a chouk, or open
space, where he tarries, uttering, My heart is scorched up with love
for thee as though it were withered by Samiel, the hot wind." They
walk on out of the city on the Jellalabad road to Shere Sung, where
Soojah-ool-Moolk was murdered.
Ghoolee Beerabau, the spirit of the waste, is here," she says.
Why do words of fear drop from lips which are as the roses of
Bendemeer, while I am with thee ?" he observes. By the tomb of the
Sultan Baber which is nigh, by the tanks of the Taj which are not, do
I not love thee ? Oh! daughter of a houri- "
"I am a Kussilbash," she says simply.
"And I am a Durani, but cannot a Kussilbash become a houri ?"
"Yea, if she go to paradise. Your slave has no will to go there-
Oh, bouri in prospective, do I not worship thee ? Come to my
zenana. Be my twentieth! Thy lord will never find thee. Should he
meet thee, always veiled, he will pass thee by, even as he would a
"I may be ugly," she modestly insinuates.
Thine eyes are as of diamonds, thy voice is as of pearls-"
"Not before the swine." he winces at the words.
"Thou should'st call it mutton," he answers. Was not the poison
of Khaiba put in the leg of pork which Zaiba, the Jewess, called mutton
and gave to the holy Prophet? But by Bajura, his standard, raise thy
veil, that I may gaze prematurely on the glories of paradise, here,
where once stood the garden which was called Eden."
"Nay," she remarks, I am my master's slave.".
Now may the curse of Timour smite his flesh, may he partake
of pourani and go to his fathers' if he hath any. By Bhavani, the
wife of the Hindoos' Siva, I would slay him, as Bheem slew the giant
Kinchick in the valley, but I will look on thy face."
"Think of the fate of Zelica."
Thou art no veiled prophet, I no girl priestess of the Faith.'
By the four winds that meet in the Khoord Cabul, I will blast from thy
face that veil of horse-tail which proclaimeth thee a Kussilbash."
Seizing her unresisting, with a quick wrench he tears the yashmak
from her head, and gazes upon the tattooed neck, all flowers and stars,
the sooma'd eyes, and the gilded cheeks of his own wife, No. 13!
"And now you had better take me home," she said.
WHAT is a donkey ?
It won't need a strong key
To open that puzzle, my Iriend.
A donkey is one
Who doesn't read FUN,
Or reading, cannot comprehend.
What is hyperbole P
Something which, verbally,
Swells a mound into a hill.
"'Tis an age since I've seen you,"
A few days may mean. You
Might multiply cases at will.
What is a truffle ?
Your temper 'twill ruffle
To hear that men hunt them with hound.
Not that they run, Gus,
For, being but a fungus,
The fun is all finished when found.
WHAT'S mauvaie honte
I could tell you but won't,
Though if you a jury empannel,
To find it you'll fail
In those members who hail'
From across the Milesian Channel.
Troops on the Marsh.
For the first time we begin to have a sort of feeling that there may
be some truth in the hints we have heard from time to time that the
Home Government have all along thrown cold water" on Sir
Bartle Frere's "little war project. Here's what we read in a letter
to a contemporary: "' Many of the men have neither blanket nor sheet,
and fever-stricken patients have to lie under canvas, pitched in
swampy ground, with their blankets in many cases very wet." The
ardour of the most enthusiastic veteran, we should think, cannot fail
to be damped by so practical an application of the "wet blanket"
IF ever there were an object for real commiseration that individual
is a one-legged man named William Guy, of Hereford, who has been
the victim of a highway robbery at the hands of one Charles Jones.
After being knocked down, maltreated generally, and eased of twenty-
three shillings, the highway robber unscrewed his wooden appendage,
thereby compelling his victim to remain out all night in the cold, he
literally having no leg to stand upon. That the poor fellow looked a
positive guy in the morning there can be no doubt, and though unable
to dance with rage, we should have thought he could have contrived,
when he found there was a screw loose, to have got away somehow.
We wonder he didn't hop when he had the opportunityi.
Hattitude is Everything.
THE very rumour that a Cardinal's hat is to be given away makes
all expectant candidates for membership of the sacred college brimful;
or shall we say hat-brimful of excitement.
WOULD not Cable" be a shorter and more seamanlike designation
for the "Anchor LiLe steamboats ?
MAR. 12, 1879.] FUN. 105
IN a distant, almost unknown land, far, far away rom Engiand,
there has been a murder. In our favoured little isle such a crime is
well-nigh unknown. But when it is committed-as, alas! it is as
frequently as once in ten years-everyone combines to hush it up, and
change the conversation whenever it seems to approach the dreadful
subject, and the newspapers chat airily on other matters, and utterly
ignore the wretched criminal. Not so in the country to which I
refer, as the following extracts from native journals just to hand (and
consequently rather late) will amply testify :-
FaoM THE Daily Views.
There is no doubt that the thin veneer of our modern civilisation is
at times taxed to the utmost, and too often it fails altogether, to
confine within limits the savage instincts of our nature; on occasion,
these instincts burst forth with a violence nothing can withstand.
Man at such a moment presents a spectacle at once pitiful and
loathsome, and we confess to some curiosity as to the class of mind that
can calmly contemplate the task of eliciting so painful and degrading
an exhibition. These remarks are called forth by the conduct of
some of our contemporaries in publishing the sordid petty details
(extending often over three columns of close letterpress) of the daily
life of the scoundrelly burglar and assassin now lying under sentence
of death in one of Her Majesty's gaols-it is an abuse of the sacred
rights of journalism which we cannot too strongly condemn. (A full
account of the convict's behaviour and occupations during yesterday,
with the number and quality of his meals, full text of letters written
and received by him, &c., &c., will be found on page 5.)
FRoM THE Banner.
The paltry pandering to a vicious taste exhibited by several of our
contemporaries in publishing the heart-sickening details concerning the
contemptible scoundrel and bully now lying in the cell from which he
will only emerge to suffer the extreme penalty of the law, can only be
traced to one cause, the untimely, if not wholly unnecessary, institution
of the ballot. It is to those who fathered this measure that we must
look with the eye of scorn, rather than to the lesser offenders, who,
whatever the value of their war correspondence-and that, we think,
has been much exaggerated-do not print as many columns of general
news as ourselves. The lesser offenders, however, should not be
allowed to go scot-free," and we at least feel ourselves compelled to
bear witness against their mischievous proceedings. (A full account,
direct from Legley Gaol, of the prisoner's condition and behaviour
during yesterday will be found in another part of the paper.)
FxoM THE Reverberator.
.Disgust and veer not."
It is a clear and necessary result of a corrupt aristocracy and a
system of personal government of the worst type that the community
should crave excitement of the unhealthiest nature. Almost equal
blame must be laid at the door of those who, for the sake of a few
extra halfpence, iniquitously pander to such unholy craving, as some
of our higher-priced, if less ably conducted, contemporaries have done
in making public the sickly love-epistles of the burglo-murderer
Placid. Such a deplorable spectacle could only be observed in a grossly
misgoverned and Tory-ridden land, and it is worthy of notice that
burglar and Beaconsfield begin each with the same letter. (The Placid
correspondence will be found in another column-any further particu-
lars in future editions.)
FROM THE Daily Telephone.
If members of Her Majesty's Opposition, instead of indulging in
unpatriotic carpings at the expenditure of a few paltry millions in the
chastisement of unruly savages, were to turn their attention to a
crying evil now ramping in our midst and shrieking aloud to the
heavens for remedy, they might at the next election, with some show
of reason, entertain a dim hope of that return to office which they so
eagerly desire, and are so little likely to obtain. The abuse we allude
to is the publication of the minute and brutalising details in connec-
tion with a recent case of murder. Such a course, as we have
frequently pointed out, cannot but degrade and lower the character of
our country-that country which we all love so well, and for which we
are ready to shed our blood to its last drop-and those who are
responsible may rest assured of a heavy day of reckoning when the last
bulwarks of a Constitution built up by generations of the wise and
good, lie shattered at their feet, majestic even in ruin. (The latest
intelligence in this case, including letter from our own correspondent
in the Gaol, will be found on another page.)
FROM THE Sphere.
While dismissing with the silence of contempt the conduct of those
editors who have disgraced and degraded journalism by permitting (if
no worse) the publication in papers under their charge of column
upon column concerning the convict Placid, we cannot help pointing
out what we cannot but think is something more than a mere co-
incidence-we allude to the significant fact that one and the same
initial letter is required for the words Gladstone and Gaol-bird.
(Special telegrams and latest intelligence of the, murderer on page 3.)
MORE THAN A MATCH.
tevedore :-" Have you got a match, sir ? "
Gentleman :-" Yes, but they are all on strike, like you are."
IT is stated that Messrs. Gatti have taken over Mr. Chatterton's
lease, and will shortly open Drury Lane. We hope if this report be
true that it will not be shortly opened," but that these enterprising
gentlemen will be able to keep it open for a long time. They should
remember, however, that it is possible to have too many (Italian) irons
in the fire.
A version of Le Grand Casimir is being done for the Gaiety by Mr.
H. S. Leigh. With Miss Nelly Farren in the principal part the piece
ought to create a Leightle furore.
At the Glover Testimonial," to take place on March 14th at the
Prince of Wales' Theatre, Glasgow, the school for Scandal will be
played by the managers of the various Scotch theatres, an arrangement
which is alluded to as a "novelty." Surely there is nothing novel
about acting managers."
HI.S.8. Pinafore at the Opera Comique will be followed by another
work by Messrs. W. S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan, entitled The
Army. We wonder they do not call it The British Army, as that
is invariably successful.
The new and charming comedietta, Cousin Dick, which has been
produced with great success at the Court Theatre, is by Mr. Val
Prinsep, who has previously been Prinsepally known as a painter of
great power and ability.
Previous to his departure for America Mr. Southern will play David
Garrick at the Haymarket for eighteen nights, commencing on March
17th. That the public will be glad to have an opportunity of again
witnessing Garrick is a thing about which you can take your Davy.
The title of Mr. Wills' new five-act play, to be produced at the ter-
mination of Mr. Southern's engagement, is Helen. The story, however,
will have nothing to do with Paris, as the scene is laid in England.
The Same Old Game.
AT Portsmouth a notorious local character named Margaret Shugard,
aged 66, has been convicted for the 200th time of drunkenness and dis-
orderly conduct. We are glad to see that the magistrates did not fine the
lady on this occasion, as to so good a customer it is but right that an
allowance should be made for taking a quantity; though, unfortunately
for her, the allowance made on this occasion was the prison diet for a
106 F TI-N [MAR. 12, 1879.
OF CERTAIN LITTLE AFFAIRS SOUTH OF THE EQUATOR; WITH THE CLIMAX AS FONDLY HOPED
FOR BY THE BLACK GENTLEMEN--WHICH IT WON'T.
FTJSN.-MARCH 12, 1879.
/ ---. ~ -
THE ROYAL WEDDING MARCH.
March 13th, 1879.
" THIS IS BETTER THAN FIGHTING THE ZULUS, EH, ARTHUR F "
r, 11 4