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PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,
153, FLEET STREET, E.C.
AND FUN was minded once to wed;
But mark the maid of his selection
In all the good and all the grace
Of maiden mind and form and face,
And merry fancy, underspread
With wise reflection,
And baby's heart and sage's head,
Must be perfection.
Our FUN;was minded once to mate-
(This year it was, as June was waning)-
And, seeking for a mate, was led
To turn him to the months ahead;
Those months to 'seventy-and-eight .. '
As yet remaining,
If one of these should haply wait
For his attaining. \
Fair months were these-(all dames are fair,
You'll please remember)-
He bade them range them side by side
(With sly intent to choose a bride) ;
Bright August-full July-were there-
And sad September; d
October and November; care-
Depressed December. l
A BooK was ready to his hand
Of deep prophetic lore and learning;
I From off its page he turned his eye
AAnd scanned the face of Dame July;
ECEI "Too pompous you will be with grand
Your CONxonss in the German Land,
Small harvest earning !"
Came August next. "Full fair, serene,
Too dreamy with the calm that sates men !
A little, quiet month, content
To know no stirring, great event;
A little Billingsgate between
1 UOur greatest statesmen-
IA little cricket I nought, I ween,
Beyond awaits men."
I September came, with hidden face
And tears of sorrow falling thickly !
What grief," he asked, "that thus can rage "
"Tun Pami css ALIcE! said the page.
With such a bride, the Jester's grace
Would look but sickly !
My cap and bells are out of place !
He doffed them quickly.
Another month with drooping head P
He turned him from her with a sigh. Another month in tears ? December,
October came; he eyed her keenly; In silent sorrow, deep to gauge:-
' A face where cunning seemed to reign; "Ts PRINcEss ALICE!" said the page.
He prayed the volume to explain:- "No woe like this," our Jester said;
The Russian for Cabul will try, I dare remember ;
NAnd lie serenely; Fun's fire would else be quickly deoad
And Banks-" "Too keen a bride, with eye I' ev'ry ember I"
That darts too meanly !" So FUN was fain to wed with none,
"November? No! Although you bear Though choice was plenty *
The cap and bells so sweetly silly, But what could be that book he scanned-
Which shadow forth the WHISTLER CASE, That volume under
And prove you kin to me in race, Whose prophecies his course was planned?
You show too muscular an air I shouldn't wonder
And arms too hilly, To find the mystic tome is one
'-:>" Foreboding some police affair With that good book intituled "FUN,
In Piccadilly. VOL. EIGHT-AND-TWENTY."
AFTEn Dinner, 157
Art of "Making Up (The), 133
And Yet 1 180
Awful Warning (An), 211
Autumn Lyric (An), 251
Blighted Ambition. 122
Beauty of Decay (The), 201
Biography (A), 204
Band on Boxing Day, 257
COUNTY Court Again (The), 9
Counsel for Country Cousins, 40
Celebrities from Home, 49
Confidence Trick (The), 174
Constant Reader (A), 239
Complete Vegetable Moralist (The),
No. 8, page 2; No. 9, 19; No. 10, 22;
No. 11, 42; No. 12, 60; No. 13,62;
No. 14, 94; No. 15, 101 ; No. 16, 114 ;
No. 17, 123; No. 18, 12; No. 19, 143;
No. 20, 146 ; No. 21, 171; No. 22, 195;
No. 23, 216 ; No. 24, 225; No. 25, 244;
No. 26, 261
DOTS by the Way-
Sweet Peace, 32
Glad Summer Time, 42
Parliament Prorogued, 76
London Out of Town, 127
Song to Autumn (A), 136
Frr the Honour of Old England, 242
Day of Rest (The), 63
Doing the Dairy Show, 163
Distinction without a Difference (A), 199
EDUCATIONAL Doses. 18
Extracts from the Examination Papers
of a Naval Officer, 27
FUN's Guide to the South Coast, 82
Free Bridge (AI, 175
Fun's Farces, No. 6, 52; No. 7, 91;
No. 8, 101; No. 9, 111; No. 10, 131;
No. 11, 137 ; No. 12, 156; No. 13, 174;
No. 14, 261
GLOVES and Loves, 33
Getting Up, 51
Going to Sleep, 113
HIGH Art for Hire, 235
IDYLS of the Night to Idols of the Day,
No. 11; No. 2. 11; No. 3, 21; No. 4,
.31; No. 5. 41; No. 6, 51; No. 7, 61;
No. 8, 83; No. 9, 85 ; No. 10, 95; No.
11, 105; No. 12, 115; No. 13, 132;
No. 14, 135 ; No. 15,145; No. 16, 155;
No. 17,165 ; No. 18, 173; No. 19, 183;
No. 20, 193 ; No. 21, 203; No. 22, 213;
No. 23, 223; No. 24, 233; No. 25, 243;
No. 26. 255
LAw of Copyright, 59
Lost and Saved, 10.3
Love's Dilemma, 106
Leaf from the Laureate's Latest (A),
Likely Tales, 141
The Maligned Parson, 163
The Conscientious Authoress, 179
The Crowded Ball, 185
The Troubled Purist, 234
Lament of the Overworked Ghosts, 262
MODEL Staff (The), 37
My Prince's Comb, 82
" Meeting of the Waters (The)," 116
My Wife and Work, 117
Making the Most of It, 181
My Mission, 181
Ministerial Visit to Cyprus (The), 184
Meditations at the Cattle Show, 234
NEW Police Regulations, 225
Oua Extra Special Reporter at Berlin,
2, 17, 29; Receives the Premier, 38 ; at
Cyprus, 42, 62; and the Commissariat,
67; in the Isle of Thanet, 81 ; and the
Sea Serpent, 96, 106; at Boulogne,
116; in Afghanistan, 146; Frightens
General Abramoff, 156; Assists at the
Paris FOtes, 180 ; At the Cattle Show,
239; On a Christmas he Once Spent,
Odd Items, 22, 33, 43
One of the Difficulties of Art, 28
Old Badgerboy, 93
Over Forty, 121
Our Extra Special Correspondent and
the Needle, 126
Ode to a Snob, 142
Only a Halfpenny, 161
PITH of the Papers (The), 47
Paris on Strike, 103
Photographic Foibles, 133
Paper, Paper, 147
Pictures in the Fire, 161
Ditto Phase H., 219
Photographic Celebrity, 189
Publican's Lament (The), 195
Policeman and the Paper Boy (The), 210
Princess Alice (The), 257
REPUBLICAN Marriage (A) 229
Rhymes (?) 231
SPECTIENS of Celebrated Authors, 13,69,
93, 151,157, 1U6,176
Somnambulistic Editor (The), 27
Some Very Uncommon Objects of the
Student (The), 92
Show Place (The), 112
" Sweetness and Light," 167
Second Thoughts, 182
Song of Caution (A), 189
Securing an Easy Conscience, 190
Song of the Turtle (The), 192
Story of a Pertinacious Little Man
Scientific Are (The), 204
Sisterly Service, 220
Some Christmas Stories, 221,230,240,246,
Sporting Notes and Anticipations, 2, 12,
23, 32, 48, 17, 62, E6, 102, 113, 123,152,
161, 167, 184, 124, 209, 214
To siy Muse, 68
Tourist's Return (The), 172
Talismanic Picture (The), 173
To the Influenza, 230
UNWITTING Calumny, 39
Uniform Controversy (The), 96
VACCINATOBY Vengeance (A), 12
Very Much Married, 171
Vacation Judgments, 179
WITH Care, 7
Wicked Lord's Revenge (The), 153
With the Lord Mayor, 194
Wait for Age, 205
White Slaves at the West-end, 219
"ALL There" 3
Alternative (An), 38
Anything But, 87
All that Confounded Climate, 168
At the Cattle Show, 233
Adventures of Mr. Scatterbrain (The),
No. 4, p. 84, No. 5, p. 222
Amateur's Plant (The), 258
BRIGHTON Pier, 11
Business before Pleasure, 82
Bucolic Bugbear (The), 148
Birds of a Feather, 164
British Domestic (The), No. 4, p 4
CUT and Dry, 10
Cricket Notes, 27
"Complete Rest for the Brain (A)," 75
Ces Enfans Terribles, 102
Childish Distinction (A), 180
City Intelligence, 185
Complete Builder (The), No. 4, page 14;
No. 5, 24 ; No. 6. 34; No. 7, 64; No. 8,
108; No. 9, 186; No. 10, 206
" DISTANCE Lends-," 33
Doubtful Compliment (A), 51
Drawing-room Fragment (A), 132
EFFECTS of the Late Rains (The), 97
Eegsti ordinary, 152
Effects of the Commercial Crisis (The),
Equal to the Emervency, 193
Evil of Reticence (The), 195
Extra Orderly Language, 230
"FIRST Shall be Last (The)," 47
From Bad to Worse, 57
Forgive and Forget, 70
"For Man and Beast," 124
Fancy goes a Long Way, 125
Filling a Vacancy, 143
Fastidiousness in the Extreme, 162
" French '" and "English," 239
Fancy Portraits, No. 1,page 101; No. 2,
111; No. 3,121; No 4, 131
GOING to the Cape, 40
Going for a Holiday, 74
Great Excitement Prevails," 88
Getting the Pull of It, 104
Glossing it Over, 107
Grumbling Gubbinp, 115
Goose's Michae'mas Joke:(A), 137
Grave Rebuke (A), 174
"HARMONY in Blue and Green (A), 50
" How are you off for Soap 117
Holiday Season (The), 118
His Sole" Offence, 145
"Hugh" and "Cry," 172
" In 'Doubt,' not' Fear,' 41
"Its Proper Use," 134
KIND Wish (A), 142
LIVE and Learn, 53
Luggage Worship, 98
"Letters of Importance," 2(0
"Like to Like," 212
"Look at That-Look at This," 253
Lost to all Sense of (Civic) Dignity, 262
MUST Ask to Have, 68
Masterpiece by Poynter (A), 92
Morning Call (A), 95
Matter-of-Fact ScotFman (A), 116
" Murder in Irish," 182
" Matchless," 229
Mr. Periwinkle's Wig, 251
"NOT to be Beaten," 11
"Name and Fame," 83
"Not Impossible," 85
New Poetical Reading (A) 86
Nothing Doesn't Like Leather, 1(C6
"Nasty Particular," 205
Notes in Season. 243
New Wine in Old Bottles, 251
" No Soul for Music," 255
(N)ice Balance (A), 257
ONE Reason as Good as Another, 19
Our Statue Again, 176
Our Protectors, 216
Of Course, 223
" Our Annual Sacrifice," 245
PIPE-DEVOTEE (The), 138
Passing Remarks, 190
Production and Induction, 203
Pleasure and Profit, 240
QUITE Young Things Too, 192
" Quite an Art in Itself! 196
READY, Always Ready, 20
Rights o our Railway Companies (The),
Rough and Ready," 67
" Bummer (A)," 183
Railway Assurance, 199
Re the Glasgow Bank. 202
Rather an Important Personage 1 236
So it Ought 1 43
Seaside Season (The), 48, 60
" Sold Again," f8
Sad Surprise (A), 91
Suburban Bus (The), 112
School Board (The), 127
Sunday Question (The), 147
Slight "Deluge "-ion (A), 155
She Meant Well, 215
Singled Out, 252
Two Brandies and a Split Umbrella," 17
To Bee, or not to Bee ? ?0
"'Twas Post- meridian Half-past Three,"
Three Curses, 94
Time and Timber, 114
"To Memory Dear," 122
Tradesmen of o&r Suburbs (The), 18
Two Sides of the Question, 165
Turning it Off, 213
Taking the Pledge, 225
VAIN Regrets, 13
Views of Popular Seaside Places, 73
Very Bad State of Things Indeed 154
Victims of Limelight (The), 226
WHERE Ignorance is Bliss (a Fact), 8
Wimbledon Van-ity, 21
Warder and Water, 63
" Where Ignorance is Bliss," 76
Word and the Spirit (The), 135
Well Timed, 144
Wild Notion (A), 209
What Can't be Cured, &e., 910
Way of the World (The), 235
AFTER the Session, 78
Austria's Dinner, h la Busese, 99
Afghauistan.-Christmas Eve Thougl ts
of Hone, 259
BRLIN Treaty with Anglo Turkish
CONGRESs- The Last Measure, 25
Compliments Before Parting, 65
Complete Letter-writer (The), 169
Cabul's Reply to the Ultimatum, 217
DASHING Cabby (The), 45
Decorating his Idol, 55
"Dream of the Bank Directors (The),'
Dangerous Crossing (A), 207
FORTUNE and Misfortune, 119
GREAT Bank Smash (The), 177
Ghosts of the Season, 249
LEAPFROG at the Congress, 5
OLD Offender (An), 129
PAUL Pry and the Publican, 1C9
REQUESTING an Explanation, 139
Russian Crackers, 187
Russian Pig (The), 237
TAKING ths (CalBul by the Horns, 89
ULTIMATUo (The), 197
WAITING for Lord Beaconsfield, 15
Who's to Pay 149
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE
BY A CONFIRMED IDYLLER.
No. I.-A DARING FLIGHT.
J WANDERED through a hall of
In weariness and indecision,
When-all my humours seemed
J1.! There flashed a fairy on my
'] And as she swam and dived in air,
-. J Defying laws of gravitation,
She was elected, then and there,
The object of my adoration.
r I loudly praised her ease and
Bu FI praised her supple figure
y louder ;
I praised the beauty of her face
De (And yet I know she uses
For I had fallen in her net
And hoped in time to make her love me ;
I thought to make her mine, the pet,
Although she soared so far above me.
But Fate has ever held me slaved-
Has never yielded to persuasion-
And Fate (consistently) behaved
As usual on this occasion !
Come, Death, in any form you choose !
I saw it in the Daily .News !
They advertise her as Farini's."
circlHEN the heat, so 1ng delayed this summer, really came at last, it
found us, as usual, altogether unprepared to meet itw; though, judging
by the extra quaint ity of imbibition, many were ready to drink if
not to meat.
Several partnerships in the City and friendships at they woulest-end,
hitherto closely cemented, have already been dissolved; as well as a
meeting convened to promote a fresh expedition to the North Pole,
in spite of the oficy reception given to the speakers by the majority o
The last vestiges of the fortune of a gentleman well known in turf
circles also melted away in the cause of the longest day.
Several thermometers hung on the outside walls of houses went up
to such a height that it was only by means of the nearest fire-escape
they were rescued from their perilous altitude, whence they would,
doubtless, have fallen as soon as evening set in.
A curious case of the intense heat is also reported from Putney. A
gentleman, living at The Cedars, had a cherry-tree in his garden
covered with ripe bigaroons. At two o'clock his five sons and daughters
were gazing with rapt admiration at the fruit, at 2.30 their papa went
to the City, and at 5.45, when he returned to dinner, he found the
glass 750 in the shade, and every cherry consumed. Nor is this all,
for later on that evening it turned out that the children complained of
Fears were entertained that what with internal and external heat
the Congress at Berlin would also be dissolved. The result would be
a solution, it is true, but not the solution required ; and, under the
circumstances, the action of the Turkish delegates in pouring cold
water on the heated discussion cannot but be approved.
A LITTLE DRAMA OF THE DAY.
SCENE, an Irish cabin. TIME, .riday at noon. MICK NM'GRATH and
family discovered at the midday meal, consisting of bacon and the inevi-
table "praties." Enter His REVERENCE FATHER O'ROURKE, P.
His REVERENCE. Arrah, thin, Miick M'Grath; what's this I see P
Is it turning haythen y re at your time of life, to be atin' ish-mate
on the Friday, av all days in the week, when the Church commands
ye to fast from the likes av it ? Is this your duty to the Church, and
to your parish priest, and your children; after all my tachin' and in-
structerin' of yez, ye disobedient, sinful spalpeen !
MICK M'GBATH. Whisht, Father Honey ; anywhere's the harrum?
Shure, didn't the skientifick jintleman, as was "tooring" round here
the other day, tould me me pig was a plant, the same as the praties,
ses he; an' wasn't I after thinking' there couldn't be the latest dif-
ferince in life betune the bit o' bacon an' the cabbage o' the garden,
or the blessed shamrock itself, sure !
But could MICK have been reading in the papers about the theory lately
promulgated by the learned Hebrew divine, that oysters are not shell-fish,
but simply marine vegetables, and drawing therefrom his own conclusions,
instead of duteously taking counsel with his Riverince upon the question ?
Or was he shamelessly putting a plant upon his pastor ?
THE COMPLETE VEGETABLE MORALIST.
A .j 9,
k -"'^ T "".', ,.'
No. VIII.-THE WOODRUFF.
HATS off, if you please, while we introduce the sweet shy maiden, the
nymph of the woods. Mr. Fun himself doffs cap and bells in presence
of that pure and tender herb, the woodruff- Christian name, Made-
moiselle Asperula Odorata. The woodruff is not a "society" flower,
but the gentlest flower of solitude. It withdraws itself to the inner-
most secret recesses of the woods, and cares never to obtrude the
dazzling splendour of its virgin whiteness among the worldly garish
garden-flowers. Garden-grown woodruff degenerates almost into a
weed. It is a flower beyond the understanding of the greengrocer,
and the nursery-minded man comprehendeth it not. It is only a
vegetable-only a herb of the woods-without the entrIe to the
gaudy-costumed parterres of the lawns of the aristocracy. Yet its
breeding is of the best. Though a tiny flower, it carries itself with
the stateliness of a fairy queen. This sweet recluse bears a cluster of
cruciform white blossoms, so unspeakably white that all other white
flowers in its presence are struck drab for very shame. The whitest
camellia becomes a soiled thing when placed at its side. There is no
other white so white in all the floral world. The woodruff grows
from a fine spiny stalk, which is clean upright, and which, as it rises,
puts forth dainty ruffs of spear-shaped leaves, pure fern-green.
These ruffs are as regular and prim as the starched and goffered ruffs
worn by the beauties of Elizabeth's Court, and as they ascend the
stem they close nearer and nearer to embrace the beautiful
head of white-clustered bloom. And the tender little flower modestly
droops to half-nestle in the topmost of the clasping ruffs of its green
The woodruff has no perceptible scent while living. It is too re-
tiring, too unobtrusive, to call attention to itself by an unreserve so
unmaidenly as giving scent while life remains. It does not even pro-
claim for itself the surpassing purity of its own whiteness; it is a
white that does not shine-it is passive dead white ; and the woodruff
ever seeks to screen its unsullied beauty behind its clinging ruffs.
But, pluck the tender thing, and, like the swan that keeps its music
till it dies, the woodruff yields its pure white life in undying fragrance
-a fragrance as of new-mown hay and violets-an odour pure as its
white life-an odour which endures for years and years, and outlasts
the scent of any other dead flower one can press and treasure in a
favourite book. This spotless and peerless maiden plant of the woods
is fittest of all blossoms for a bridal bouquet, and it blooms, on
purpose, in the peculiarly bridal months of May and June. It lives
the whitest of lives, and dies the most fragrant of deaths.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
THE BANKS o1' THE LIMPID THAMES, Monday Night.
Mu. EDITOR.-SIR,-I am more than ever convinced of the in-
eradicable and deep-seated nature of human ingratitude. Do not
suppose, however, that this observation is called forth by the very un-
gentlemanly remarks you have made concerning my Ascot Cup selections *:
no person of decent intelligence would have placed implicit reliance
upon the delirious ravings of a sick man, communicated through
the medium of an illiterate hanger-on of the stable. That Silvio
couldn't win was obvious ; did not the turf prophets to a man
predict his success? No, sir; it was not your letter (which I disdain
to mention*) which provoked the remark, but several needlessly severe
criticisms on my cookery, made by the crew which is honoured by my
presence and assistance. I am perfectly ready to admit that I am not
Our contributor's highly original method of "disdaining to mention" a thing
is already familiar tD our readers.-ED.
[JULY 3, 1878.
a born cook, it being well known that a person with whom I trust I have
no connection is good enough to superintend the manufacture of such.
But I was determined all along no failure should arise on this occasion,
and (as I told you) I devoted the greater part of my time during my
recent visit to Boulogne-(where I return after Henley Regatta-
business carried oni as usual, address the agent)-to a close study of
cookery. When at the appointed time I joined the Henley ex-
Said the crew to the prophet, in what I may say
I consider a rather indecorous way,
Well, now, you old brazen-faced, bald-headed sinner,
We hope you can cook us an eatable dinner,
Because, if you can't, we'd be out of our senses
To take you to Henley and stand your expenses.'
Let's hear what you can do, you shameless old man,
And get it as near to the truth as you can."
Young men," I replied, you're a-treating neglectfully
Manners as gents, or you'd speak more respectfully.
But there, I forgive you," I hastily said,-
For some of them looked like a-punching my head-
And not being anxious to make any fuss,
I stated my cooking accomplishments thus:-
I'll cook you a turkey in various ways,
And apples I'll dress you d la Portuguaise;
I'll make you the rabbits peculiar to Wales;
I'll dish you a salmi cf fricaseed quails;
I'll make you a compSte of piggy-wig's face,
Or, if you prefer it, a rich Bouillabaisse ;
I'll make you a cream, a blanc-mange, or a custard;
I'll cut you a sandwich, with or without mustard,
And I'm ready to give my most earnest attention
To anything else you are likely to mention."
Would you believe it ? Instead of being impressed with this catalogue,
they only laughed at it, told me to stop my foolery," and asked me
if I could make tea or cook a steak I was reluctantly compelled to
confess that I had never tried to do either, and they would have left
me behind without more ado but for my frantic entreaties and copious
tears (for was I riot bound to use every legitimate means to accompany
the expedition, having promised to give you an account of it r), which
induced them to give me, as they said, a trial." The very first day
(to-day) there was a row. They brought me some chops to cook.
Now, I've never cooked chops in my life, but genius is ever ready in
emergencies. I put them in the pan, placed the pan on the fire, and
waited! For some moments all was calm-then there arose a grateful
smell-then an unpleasant odour-finally, an intolerable stench of
burning meat and iron. The crew rushed out of the tent but speedily
rushed back again, boats approaching our vicinity incontinently
turned round and rowed back, crews encamped near us, holding their
noses and gesticulating frantically, yelled, "Take it off! take it
off!" Thrice I tried to approach the pan, but it was too awful-
I couldn't. At last I hit on the expedient of flinging stones at it. The
idea took" with the surrounding crews; they fell to with avidity,
and, not being exactly steady in their aim, made it rather lively for
me. By our united efforts, chops, pan, and cooking apparatus were
soon a heap of charred ruins, but the stench lingers in the air, and
tickles my nostrils as I write: it is as the stench of fifty thousand
blown-out dips. And here's where the ingratitude comes in; instead
of thanking me for doing my best to please them, my companions,
maddened possibly by the loss of their dinner, have called me oppro-
brious names, refused me admission to the tent, and flinging out my
rug and damp sheet (and, if the latter is a little cut up with slits, it is
well known that the prophet is not rich, and if in the confusion of
making up the beds I did put somebody else's in my place, and vice
versd, I don't see how that justifies anyone calling me "a red-nosed
shuffler"), they told me to go to bed in the river, if I liked. Perhaps
I shall appease them in the morning; if so, you shall have a full
account of the regatta proceedings in my next.-I am, yours, &c.,
OUR EXTRA SPECIAL REPORTER AT BERLIN.
AT THE BUFFET, THE RADZIsVIL PALACE, JUNE 27TH, '78.
NEWSPAPER enterprise is all very well in its way, sir, but I am but
mortal, and another week of this tropical weather will about finish me.
It is no joke I can tell you to have to open assorted aerated waters at
the rate of a gross of bottles per hour ; but when, in addition to all my
physical labours, you remember that I have to be courteous and
pleasant to my numerous customers in five languages, and also to
make surreptitious notes on my thumbnails, you will, I feel sure,
fill up the next circular note you send me for a good round sum !
These diplomatists drink like fishes this hot weather, and that's a
fact. Not that they overdo it with intoxicating stimulants. Oh, dear,
So this is why Trophonius was so anxious to have a written agreement for
speelal pay as Our Correspondent on the Spot I "-ED.
JULY 3, 1878.]
no They are far too wary for that,* and it's real fun, I can tell you, for
me to watch Count Schouyaloff trying to fill up Earl Beaconsfield's
wine-glass when he is not looking, or Prince Bismarck deftly emptying
his tumbler into a spittoon with one hand, while he directs Lord
Salisbury's attention to something passing out of window with the
other. The envoys, as .a rule, however, are tolerably well matched,
and I do not think any country has really suffered from any bibulous
indiscretion on the part of its representatives. Certainly Roumania
cannot complain on this head, for the two gentlemen she has sent
here, whose names it would be a needless infliction on your compo-
sitorsiand subscribers :to mention, are so afraid that, by a momentary
over-indulgence in the. somewhat strong, not to say rank, liquors iof
their nation, they may :be tempted into some rash statement or act,
that with notable self-denial they confine themselves exclusively to
the e oQf effervescing lozenges.
Myp.osition here has naturally given me great insight into the more
private ,ad personal side of the characters of Europe's great and
famoumaons. iBefore I had been here a week Idfelt as I mixed Count
Andaasy his-morning dose of salts,, and flavoured Prince Gortschakoff's
early ,purl -with cardamoms and ginger, that we were, after all, but
poor wek creatures. Talk about diplomatic victories, indeed. Why,
from what I have seen it is good health that wins the day as a rule.
I happen toiknow that on Friday last, when the Bulgarian frontier
was settled, Count Schouvaloff had one of what he calls:his neuralgic
headaches. -`Re told me the next day in confidence, over a pick-me-up I
prepared for him, according to the recipe of Sainsbury's famous No. 1,
that so anxious had he been to get away to bed at any cost, that
he would have consented to Lord Beaconsfield's being Sultan of Turkey
if he had pressed for it.
Lord;Beaconsfield's unexpected warmth last week, too, on the Balkan
Passes question was, I happen to know, entirely due to a hollow tooth
of his lordship's, which had been roused into raging activity by a bit
of crust at breakfast. I myself noticed that the Earl's eye was rolling
I have just thought, half-dead with heat though I am, that itf a Chinaman is
not an uncommonly warey party, he ought to be-yes.
with unusual revolutions as he went into the Congress, but it was not
until he came out in the middle of the sitting, and called to me for
cotton wool in a tone of dictatorial demand I was for the moment
inclined to resent, that I realized what ailed him. The only wonder
to me is that Count Schouvaloff was not compelled to swallow the
San Stefano treaty bodily before that sitting was done.
As for poor Gortschakoff, he may be considered played out. Instead
of giving him a pen and ink-bottle at the Congress table, like the rest
of the diplomatists, I have orders to place a pottle of fresh strawberries
and a plate of powdered sugar before him every morning; and when
he has eaten them-there are little bets amongst his colleagues every
-day as to how many British Queens (for this is the sort I patriotic-
,ally procure for him) he will dip in Count Schouvaloff's ink by mis-
take. He then rises, folds up half a quire of unused blotting paper,
puts it in his despatch-box, and toddles home to the Russian Embassy,
where he amuses himself by drawing fancy maps of Bulgaria, or
Buillygaria, as the senior Ottoman deputy, who is an undoubted wag
in'his way, calls it.
This gentleman, whose name is a kind of cross between Cantharides
and Carraway, is playing a dark game so far. But he opens his soul
to me, for I have gained his confidence by fitting up the space beneath
my bar with cushions, on which he can sit and drink coffee unseen by
his colleagues, and he told me last night, after his fourth cup of strong
'mocha, that Ottoman or no Ottoman,.he was not.going to be set upon
by liesia or Austria, or anyone ele. .-As ;he-has also promised to
vsit me next Sunday afternoon, and have a quiet game of chess, chez
moi, Ijhope to find him still more communicative as to Turkey's pro-
Meanwhile it is impossible to find time to write now, whilst ieed
cream sodas are being ordered almost momentarily, and I mean to ask
Bismarck-for an assistant to officiate with the corkscrew.
P.S.-I have just been told to prepare a very large punch-bowl full
of "Badminton "for to-morrow's sitting, so I expect something like
festive stage in the discussion is to be reached.
TURF CiRcLES.-Fairy rings.
A GOOD RESOLVE.
SOME say y my songs are always sad-
All gloom and melancholy;
I never.sing to make folks glad,
Or tell a tale that's jolly."
Yet I can laugh and merry be;
But when I take my pen, yousee,
I am that sad dull company,
Which wise men say is folly.
I love a jest and joyous song,
And glad light laughter singing;
I love to see the merry throng,
And bright eyes gladness bringing.
Oh, I can romp among the gay,
And join the merry game of play
When roses deck the summer day,
And silvery bells are ringing.
Though I am getting grey and old,
My heart is young as ever,
Though with my pen, I'm often told,
I make folks sigh and shiver;
But here I vow that from this day
My songs shall all be glad and gay,
I'll make joy laughter, dance, and play
Like sunlight on the river.
A Meteorological Mem.
FROM the date of their match with Middlesex, on
which day the Australians ceased to take Mid-winter
about with them, we have been enjoying the most
glorious Mid-summer weather imaginable.
A Strange Feat.
GuNs are usually called fire-arms, but a gun which
" kicks" should surely be called a fire-leg."
Hark to the Mermaid's Song.
WHAT is most like a Manatee ?-Why, another man
A VERY PROPER SORT or GiRL.-One who objects to
wear "fast" colours.
AN ice pigeon ought to be good eating.
Mild Old Gent (one who believes in Sohool Boards):-" WELL, MY LITTLE
MAN, IMPROVING YOUR MIND WITH SOME NICE READING?"
Small Boy :-Yus, GOVERNOR; JUST GOT THIS WEEK'S 'PENNY 'ORROn.'
LET YER 'AVE IT 'ARF PRICE WHEN I'VE FINISHED THIS 'ERE 'ORRID MURDER! "
4 FUN. [JULY 3, 1878.
THE BRITISH DOMESTIC.-No. 4. AN INCIDENT OF FREQUENT OCCURRENCE.
PsOLOGUE.-The B D. at Loe. Hotra-'ere's luxshry I Father's brought 'ome a 'ering for dinner! "
ACT 1.-In service. "I'll jest trouble yer for that little bit of brown, cook; 'cos yer know we've got to finish that joint armehow as missis 'ates cold meat."
ACT 2.-Eeeking another place. Well, mum, to tell the truth I gave warning at the last place becoc' I couldn't get nothing to eat."
I-FUJ -N.-JULY 3, 1878.
LEAPFROG AT THE CONGRESS.
"NOW, THEN, GORTSCHY, KEEP QUIET AND TUCK IN YOUR TUPENNY !"
sa~- ., -. ^ ---------- ------
JULY 3, 1878.]
(THE SONG OF THE TORPEDO.)
[THE TORPEDOES AT ODESSA.-It is stated that the Commander-in-Chief of the
troops at Odessa has informed the Imperial Ministry for Foreign Affairs that
merchant vessels are constantly causing injury, either by negligence or by inten-
tion, to the torpedoes which are sunken for the defence of Odessa.-eNewspaper.]
THmRE's terror abroad in the hearts of the nations,
Their nervous perplexity 's lovely to see,
Their fleets are a prey to appalling sensations--
And all on account of misgivings of mm.
Directly ubiquitous rumour discloses
The terror-engendering news of my birth,
The vessels insist upon hiding their noses,
And wouldn't come out for the riches of earth.
Nor are the intelligent long in detecting
The causes from which the anxiety springs,
So great is the talk of my shortly effecting
A great revolution in maritime things.
For what is sufficiently strong to ignore me ?
And what is sufficiently stable and hard ?
Mere masses of steel are as paper before me
And vessels of war are as houses of card.
No sensible mortal, unwearied of living,
Displays the imprudence to come in my road,
And even my owners approach with misgiving
And nervous politeness, for fear I explode.
They load and adjust me with much hesitation,
And, oh, I can tell you their faces imply
Sensations within of suppressed trepidation:
They shudder outright on my winking my eye !
Some harbour or channel will shortly receive me,
And there, in position sufficiently deep,
My owners will very complacently leave me
And I shall pretend to be soundly asleep.
Then, let but a vessel with hostile intention
Come cruising about and disturbing my rest,
And oh, if effects too appalling to mention
Don't happen-I'm- putting it vulgarly-blest?
The best of it is I require no defending,
And all these leviathans ploughing the sea
Indulge in a precious mistake in pretending
To think they can do any damage to ME.
The best of it is that of all the imposing
Offensive arrangements creation could fit,
The strongest would only succeed in disclosing
That nothing existing can hurt me a bit.
To render my influence doubly emphatic
In telling effect on humanity's nerve,
I'm firmly resolved to be rather erratic
And rather uncertain which party to serve.
More cringing respect I am sure to engender
By having this knowing device at my back,
At times I shall rather surprise the defender
Instead of the party who comes to attack.
With might so imposing and so undefeated,
I think it's superfluous for me to say
A fellow is apt to be rather conceited-
And I am a little bit given that way.
Without a misgiving, with no hesitation,
But fittingly confident, plucky, and proud,
I beg to observe that I challenge creation,
Defying the World to "come on" in a crowd.
Oh! Please! They are treating me very unkindly!
The mercantile vessels that sail in and out,
Forgetting my presence, are blundering blindly
And knocking the little Torpedo about !
Their doings are brutal and very unfeeling,
Because I am certain they must be aware
That people should use, when they chance to be dealing
With little torpedoes, politeness and care.
Pray, someone remind them what delicate treating
A little defenceless torpedo requires!
Oh, health and utility are rapidly fleeting!
They've banged me and bumped me, and damaged my wires I
Oh, why have they left me alone undefended
Where blundering lumbering vessels will sail ?
They've damaged me so I can never be mended
I'm dreadfully bruised from the head to the tail!
GARDENING FOR THE MONTHS.
HINTS To AMATEURS.
PIPE pinks. You need not whistle unless you are an old boat-
swain. Florists treat the pink in a somewhat contradictory manner.
They make a border of it, but refuse it bedding. Layer carnations.
This seems a very simple operation to the adept, but is apgpetimes
troublesome to amateurs. Relieve your feelings when you have at last
mastered an obstinate shoot by quoting,
The beast is laid down in its lair."
Put a disc of cardboard or a twist of thread round the calyxes of your
double flowers. It is a mistake to suppose that if you let them burst
you will get clove-pinks. Mow your grass-plot constantly, and sell
the hay if you can find a purchaser. Your agapanthus, if you
have one, ought to he in blossom, but more probably all its blossoms, if
any, are still in the agapanthus. Some authorities advise that you should
shade your irises, but on this point we leave you to do what seems
good in and best for your eyes. This is the month when lilies bloom,"
or should do so; and if yours have not fulfilled their promise, call
each one emphatically a li-ly. That will be more polite and .poetical
than exclaiming, Oh, you story I The name of the tuberosa has
been derived from the fact that in a great many instances the tuber owes
a flower-stem which it does not pay. If your tuberoses have behaved
in that manner remark that you are quite content with the common kind
-that you can discover no beauty in monstrous varieties. Your peas
also ought to be out. If any brother amateur makes fun of your
display, tell him to mind his peas-and Kew's, where better than
either of you can grow may be seen. Part auricula roots. Like
quarrelsome little boys, they will then be all the readier to strike. Pot
chrysanthemums-all's fair in floriculture-they're at liberty to shoot
if they like. Take ranunculuses out of their beds and put them into
airy bags-we do not mean summer trousers. Offsets are the usual
means of multiplication, instead of subtraction, as in litigated accounts.
Last month the roses were blowing. This month, we fear, amateurs
will be blowing the roses, owing to their blunders in budding. This
delicate operation should be performed after a downpour of wet-the
heavier the better, if in a solely objective sense. In crossing a
hedge-rose be careful to wear trousers of some stout material;
otherwise, on your return to your family, your youngest toddler may
remark that you are "all b'ooded." In the rose-gardens of the East
the most successful operators are said to be Buddhists. In the
shrubbery, if you would win laurels, prune evergreens. This is the
way to obtain reputation as a clipper in gardening.
Find what balm you can in your kitchen-garden. Go in for late
croppers. They are decidedly preferable to early ones in any field,
AT the Alhambra, Fatinitza is put on the stage with the same taste,
completeness, and lavish details as have made this theatre the home
of comic opera. The music in .Fatinitza is brilliant and dashing, many
of the harmonies are beautiful; the plot is simple, and travels quickly;
the words are well given by that master of verse, H. S. Leigh ; the
characters, for the most part, are well sustained without anyone in
particular calling for special mention; the ballet divertissement in the
second act is exceedingly beautiful; the costumes are most exquisite;
altogether the piece is so satisfactory as to ensure success.
At the Princess's, Queen's Evidence is likely to prove a great hit.
Why a good old-fashioned melodrama will draw when the beautiful
poetic Elfinella would not, is simply that most people who go, to a
theatre like stirring dramatic interest rather than fine words, ad/ in
Queen's Evidence they get a well constructed and a well acted play.
AccoRDINm to the daily papers, "An Indian rising is apprehended
in Wisconsin." It seems absurd to be disconcerted about so trifling a
matter. If an Indian does rise, surely the authorities can put him
down without apprehending him.
r -------..-awCA' -t--^/-
t -~ -- St
WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS- (A FACT.)
Master Tom :-" I SAY, JOHNSON, DO YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN I GROW
UP I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU FOR MY GROOM, AND A HORSE; this HORSE
IT'S TO BE "
Johnson :-" I'M AFRAID HE'LL BE RATHER AN OLD 'ORSE BY THEN, SIR! "
Master T. :-" AH BUT WE SHAN'T TELL HIM WHEN IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY,
SO HE WON'T KNOW HOW TO GET OLD! "
[JULY 3, 1878.
Ma. Rtc.uAR FIELD, who has attained the ripe age of
seventy-eight, appears to unite to the wisdom of years
an unscrupulous admiration for the works of Shake-
speare and an objection to other people's spoons.
This aversion prompts Mr. Field, whene'er he takes
his walks abroad," to carry a teaspoon and also a fork
with him, so that if he fancies a cup of chocolate he may
have the satisfaction of stirring it with his own spooa.
There is a savour of an ultra-refinement about this
taste of Mr. Field, which is only equalled in delicacy
by the manner in which it is said he is prone to appro-
priate the works of Shakespeare and others that may be
lying unguarded at bookstalls, and to walk quietly
away with the same, without lacerating the feelings
of their proprietors by supposing them to be actuated
by such sordid considerations as to accept payment
therefore. Mr. Field, although averse to the use of
other people's spoons, likes to have his spoon in other
folks' porridge. We may pause to inquire where this
Shakespearian student finds in the poet for all time "
his authority for either of his peculiarities: or does Mr.
Field think that the world is a huge boarding-school,
where everyone brings his own plate and six towels?
Only he appears to be unprovided with these, which
would seem to imply that physically he is no cleaner than
he is morally, for all his fastidiousness about wanting a
clean spoon all to himself.
A Summary Sentence.
ON Tuesday week the Rev. Dr. Whittemore preached
his annual flower sermon "as a thanksgiving for the
beauties and bounties of summer." Considering that
the season up to that time had been so inclement that
it might have been called, "the winter of our discon-
tent," we cannot help thinking the language of the rev.
gent was unnecessarilyflowery. At any rate his thank-
fulness was premature, whether or no.
IN a "dead heat" for a boat-race would the crews
necessarily pull a sun-stroke ?
A PAUPER is reported to have been found in the High-
street, Peckham, in "an utter state of incapability
through drink." Considering the man was proved to be
speechlessly drunk, we cannot see how he could possibly
have been found in an utter state.
THE COUNTY COURT AGAIN.
(A LITTLE DEEPER INTO THE SUBJECT.)
ScENE I.-In the County Court.
THE JUDGE. Let all who seek the law beware
Of any case that would not bear
The strictest scrutinizing;
The law with things not wholly right,
Correct, and open to the light,
In no way sympathising.
The law indeed can never bring
Itself to wink at anything
Unfit for full inspection ;
Among its servants not a twist
From rigid duty could exist
One day without detection.
(The servants of the law cross their hands over their bosoms and murmur
A CREDITOR. My lord the judge, I wish to clutch
A certain debtor very much,
And, if we act discreetly-
(His whereabouts I've sifted so)-
The bailiff's officer can go
And serve him very neatly. (Winks.)
THE JUDGE. You shock us, sir I do not think
That anyone would go and wink
With good and pure intention.
The law directs its direst ban
At winking. Seek the bailiff man
And beg his intervention.
Chorus of the WHOLE LEGAL WORLD, heard like distant thunder.
The Debtor Laws-good public, learn,-
Upon a central pivot turn
And hinge and are dependent:
It is the fingers of the great
And mighty Bailiff hold the fate
Of Plaitiff and Defendant.
(The scene changes to the office of the BAILIFF.)
The song of the BAILIFF.
By public admission a Bailiff's condition implies a position
So many will quail if they meet with a bailiff
And get in a corner and hide,
This Bailiff, however, (though party so clever the universe never
Is wholly unfitted, it must be admitted,
To fill the position he holds.
For where is the good of a will as is steady,
A brain as is keen and wise,
When tied to a bosom for ever too ready,
Too ready to sympathise ?
The creditor comes and implores me to see to
The ferreting out his man,
And such is my bosom, I always agree to
Officially aid his plan:
I gets to the debtor; he hates to be taken,"
He says, and his eyes grows dim;
And then the resolve of my bosom is shaken,
Preventing my taking him!
JULY 3, 1878.]
So weakly I wander from one to the other,
While neither appeals in vain,
And while I'm for ever a-trying to smother
My sympathy what's my bane :
And ever my snigger of sympathy's sunny
When each of 'em begs and prays-
Till one of 'em gets to the end of his money-
I mean of his coaxing ways ;
Then when he has come to his uttermost shilling-
I mean to his latest tear-
And duty compels me, however unwilling,
To turn a relentless ear,
Not even my own and particular brother
Imagines the inward pain
I feel in my desperit efforts to smother
My sympathy what's my bane !
What Bailiff possessing that worrit distressing (though knowed as a
By any resistance can keep at a distance
The withering inward smart?
Though never demeanour more cold or serener, his pang is the keener
His 'eart is a tatter, it isn't no matter
Whatever the Bailiff's at!
(The CREDITOR enters.)
CirtToR. Good Bailiff, turn your mighty mind
To catch a man I wish to find !
THE BAILIFF. All those for justice yearning
Will notice that I have aknack
Of placing thus, behind my back,
My hand, the palm upturning.
Mystic chorus of the WHOLE LeGAL WonLD, rolling distantly.
It is the fingers of the great
And mighty Bailiff hold; the fate
Of Plaintiff and Defendant;
And he who with success would meet
Must worship at the Bailiff's feet,.
With all the rites attendant.
(The last line is attended by an accompaniment striking upon the ear like
the chinking of money. The PLAINTIFF places something in the
TB BAILIu Who seeks but lawful rights to gain,
Invokes the Bailiff not in vain
With suitable devotion;
So, happy Plaintiff, have no fear,
Your cause has gained the Bailiff's ear ;
The laws are set in motion.
(The scene changes to the DEFENDANT'S place of concealment. Enter the
BAILIFF to DEFENDANT.)
THE BAILIFF. Ho, Debtor Quail in fear and doubt,
For angered Justice seeks you out,
Toodlate is all repenting ;
Arise, attend this summons then,.
For hope is out of season when
The Bailiff's unrelenting.
(Chorus of the WHOLE LEGAL WonLD, as before.)
And he who with success' would meet
Must worship at the Bailiff's feet
With all the rites attendant.
But let this duty once be done
And hope shall flood the happy ore
With rays the most resplendent!
(The accompaniment occurs again. The DEFENDANT places something in
the BAILIFF's palm.
THE BAILIFF. The Law in ire too soon arose;
It pities your insolvent woes,
And now resolves to screen you
From raging plaintiffs, fury-blind,
So, poor Defendant, bear in mind
The Bailiff has not seen you.
(The BAILIFF looks the other way, and the DEBTOR escapes. The secef
changes to the -BAILIFF's office again. Enter, to BAILIFF,, the
THE BAILIFF. The Law is mortified to say
It's efforts are in vain to lay
It's hand on him you're seeking
(The chorus of the Law peals once more, with accompaniment. The
PLAINTIFF again places something in the BAILIFF'S hands.)
Ah, very good! The Law and I
Will go and have another try
To stop this' Debtor's sneaking I
(The same ceremony with the CREDITOR and the DEBTOR recur many
times. At length the CREDITOR grows weary of it and appeals to the'
Astounde chorus of the JUDGES, and other high legal authorities.
We have-been in the Law fifty year, fifty year;
Ohr experience hasn't a flaw;
And' our knowledge is lucid and clear,-'cid and clear,
Of the whole of the range of the Law.
And we freely and candidly own-'didly own
That it's natural people should stare,
As we say that we never have known-ver have known
Of the Bribery-Bhiliff affair.
It's a system of infinite age-finite age,
And surprise to the mind it may bring,
That each legally-erudite sage-rudite sage
Should be quite unaware of the thing;
And it's equally cause for a stare,-for a stare,
That directly the public refrain
Firom discussing the present affair,-sent affair,
We shall wholly ignore it again !
Closing Chorus. It is the fingers of the great
And potent Bailiff hold the fate
Of Plaintiff and Defendant,
The Law can never, never bring
Itself to wink at anything
With any flaw appendant.
Adulteration's Artful Trade.
A MILK-SELLER named Chas. Moore, of Milton-next-Sittingbourne,
has been fined 8 for adulterating milk, notwithstanding the remark-
able defence that the police "had come upon him unawares," atd
that the adulteration had not been performed by himself but iby s'
wife. Really, if such tyranny as this is- to be permitted, what will
become of the British tradesman's interests, or rather principles? It'
seems incredible that the police should be permitted thus to int*d&t
without any warning, and that magistrates should be allowed& to'f e
a man under such circumstances. Mr. Moore is undoubtedly a "star"
in the milky way, and More's the pity- that he-should- have been ifedL-
he ought to have been imprisoned.
Boaw DECEMBna 26, 1803 ; DIED JUNE 24, 1878.
CHARLES MATHEWS, the son of a great comic actor, was put as a-
pupil to Pugin, the architect; afterwards he worked as a painter, and
was an exhibitor at the Royal Academy in 1835. He was in his
thirty-fifth year before he fairly took to the stage, and during his
long and successful career he has always stood out prominently as a
favourite among favourites.
10 IFU iT [JULY 3, 1878.
CUT AND DRY.
American Traveller :-"Is THE WEATHER EVER VERY WARM HERE, MRS. MURDOCK?
Landlady:-" SURE AND IT'S hot, YER HONOUR."
American Traveller:-" OH! WELL, BUT WHAT DOES THE THERMOMETER SAY?"
Landlady:-" OcH, BURE, BUT WE NITER CUT OUR HAY WITH AN INSTRUMENT OF THAT SORT AT ALL, AT ALL, IN THIS COUNTRY, TER
THINGS THEATRICAL. A Dis-grass-full Pro-seed-ing.
IT is stated that Mr. Henry Marston is incapacitated by illness from SCENE : Hyde Park. A PARTY discovered walking on a piece of land
following his profession, and a benefit is suggested. We trust newly sown with grass seed. To him enter a POLICEMAN.
that this gifted and highly-esteemed actor will have a good one. It is
but right that the public should act well to one who has always acted POLICEMAN. Now then, keep off that grass there.
well to them. PARTY (still walking on). Well, I'm doing my best to.
Mr. Neville's next novelty at the Olympic is the appearance of Miss POLICEMA. Do you 'ear ? Keep off that grassdown don't ke
Rose Eytinge as Nancy, in a version of Oliver Twist. If there be PARTY. That's what I'm doing. If trampling it down don't keep
anything in a name, the performance of Miss Rose Igh tinge should be it off I don't know what will. [Left trampling.
one of couleur de Rose.
The Christmas pantomime at Covent Garden is to be Jack and the Hear, hear!
Beanstalk. We hope the author will be particular as to what he makes THE New York Herald states as a curious anatomical fact that men
the Beans say; we trust it will not be broad beans talk. with big ears are usually generous. But this must be merely a matter
of ear-say," we should think.
IN Mr. Gye's cross-examination, in the case of Marimon v. Gye, AN AFPROPRIATE HOME FOR THE NUBIANS.-In Nubibus.
he observed, Artistes run in and out of my room like a rabbit-
warren." The simile is defective; artistes do not run in and out of a
rabbit -warren. Doubtless he meant to say like rabbits in a rabbit- Noow Ready, the Thirty-fourth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
warren; but even then he is open to censure, for to compare ladies to TWENTY-SEVENTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
rabbits is not a sign of good breeding, in fact the simile is un- 1Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
warrentable. Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
C B lBI 9 % ARE THE -%11t(nr' Ihcnl 'coon il<.w the propoortion o, aOrln oou.
DUMESIH .. .....ted ---
USE. by the remoal I0 'earl and anolte i
CtIW IN Kh e apl h other .ared Coco I
U)OUlt tI), "lIaFltaled t oU "n. 4d. I I
.E VIAT EACH 'F NITRO. per 1 I.
THE TRIANGLE EOII-'I llII
ASIS YOUR TUENT S tha
COTT ONS. OTHEo g. l.- -
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's UiJL. Doctors' Common.. and Published (for the Proprietorsi at 153. Fleet Street. E.C.-London, July 3. 1878.
JLY 10 1878.1 F T.
NOT TO BE BEATEN."
REMINISCENCE .OFA RECENT CELEBRATED CRICKET MATCH.
What our friend Jones saw of the match The little plan which he then The successful result.
on thefirst day. determined upon.
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY. "A Mixed Breed."
Br A CONFIRMED IDYLLER. SOME of the provincial papers, in announcing the death of a
centenarian named Sarah Warburton, say that she bad, besides two
daughters, "a son in America who is the father of 13 children and
No. II.-A QUIET PUFF. great grandmother to two." That oldSarah" was "grandmother
LONE, unbefriended- to 23-great grandmother to 5 1-and great great grandfather to two."
JA Defeated by Fate- This is rather puzzling at first. Country folk have strange ways of
While failure attended mixing matters, but thus successfully and at once to make a man both
Me early and late, a father and a great grandmother to two," and a woman both
One comfort remaining a great grandmother and a great great grandfather too, is an
Alone in my gripe--- achievement both great and grand! So we conclude that there is
(The chance of obtaining "talent" on those provincial papers, and take advantage of it to
A solacing pipe), amuse our readers.
I sadly applied me
My pain to assuage-
What Nature denied me
I found on the stage.
Sf Enshrined in the glory
Se t tOf genuine art,
A Magdalen's story
Was balm to my smart.
Though Truth may attack her,
My shillings and I
To ADA-to back her,
Together shall fly;
No longer unruly,
I'm smoking yet, but
This CAVhNDISH truly
I never will cut.
Too much of a Good Thing.
AI entertainer advertises that he" having cultivated the art of mne-
monics for some years, is enabled without the aid of a single note, to
recite nearly twenty thousand lines of poetry." It is all very well for
this entertaining gentleman to say he can perform this feat or feats
(there are a good many feet in 20,000 lines) without the aid of a single
note, but we expect he is not above the aid of a couple of 5 note '.
IT appears, from a notice at the head-qarters of the First Surrey
Rifles, that "gentlemen willing to assist in the Church service at the
Camp are requested to attend the rehearsal in the Canteen." Although
favourable ourselves to a spirited service, we have our doubts whether
the locale of the Canteen would not have an injurious effect on the
responses to this notification. We should fear lest they were the
least bit winey in tone.
A cONTEMPORARY expresses astonishment "at the want of honesty BRIGHTON PIER.
amongst so many literary men of the present day." We think we dwelling (slogsng) -" w JV TE SEALS HAVE
can account for it. They use steel pens. Youmn Swellingltin (sohquisig) :--" BAW JOVE I THE SEALS HAVE
ESCAPED FROM THE AQUARIUM, AND ARE TAKING A STROLL. DEVILISH
Var. "To aid her-to baccaa." GRACEFUL CREATURES, BAW JOV !"
VOL. xx 11I.
A VACCINATORY VENGEANCE.
RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED TO THE ANTI-VACCINATION LEAGUE.
THIOIa M. Vengeance is like apiece of elatic, and will, when stretched
and let Jly in any given direction, and striking the avenge, recoil on the
avenger, and often on any remote cause of the vengeance.
Let A. and B. be total abstainers; the former from anything con-
taining alcohol, the latter from anything that doesn't. Let A. lecture
B. on his evil ways, which not only bother him, but make him
worse-the lectures being dry," and communicating their siccative
properties. Let the disgusted B. swear vengeance.
Then shall the vengeance, striking the avenge, recoil on the avenger
and also on the remote cause of the vengeance.
O0 UJNEBFRGUMtrr /"- E
If B's oath shall cause A. to discontinue airing his permissive
oratory, let him avoid B., and marry a School-Board Inspectrix,
Let B. concurrently commit wedlock with a barmaid-0.
Things which are halves of the same are equal to one another.
In this case let the wives be the better halves.
Because in the natural course of events D. shall produce a baby. So
also let C.
Parallel lines never meet. (DEFINITION XXXV.)
But A. and B. having adopted parallel lines" shall meet, owing to
their both living in a small village.
Then, as the village contains but one doctor-F.-let B. bribe him to
vaccinate the babies from each other.
Inasmuch as A.'s child has been innoculated with the inherent pro-
clivities of B.'s child-viz., tippling ; then shall it take greedily to the
"bottle" and develop signs of being eventually "screwed" in its
Therefore the vengeance of B. the avenger stretched and letfly in a given
direction shall strike the avengee.
Again, as B.'s baby is innoculated in its turn with the inherent
proclivities of A.'s baby, viz., teetotalism, than shall it take greedily
to milk, owing to its acquired aqueous properties, and develop a decided
tendency to water on the brain.
Therefob e the vengeance, striking the avengee shall recoil on the avenger.
Again, if B's baby, becoming a thorn in his side, cause his repent-
ance, he shall confess his sin to A. (also with a thorn in his side) and
they two will write a long letter.
A "line may be produced to any length. (POSTULATE II.)
And if the letter be addressed to the chief of the Permissives, E.,
telling himthat A.'s calamity is all owing to his effectually teaching him
to try and convert others, and that B.'s calamity is all owing to his not
being effectually converted, at the same time forwarding the offspring
packed in a barrel labelled, BABES IN THE WOOD," OR FAMILIBB
SUPPIED IN CASKS,
Thus shall the vengeance recoil on the remote cause thereof.
Therefore, vengeance is like, &c. Q. E. D.
An Alphabetical Flight.
A BUTTERFLY Came Down Early From Gyrating Heavenwards
In Joyous Kind, Lightly ]Meandering Now, Or Plunging Quickly
Round Some Tall Upas-tree's Venom, Which X'uded Yeast
"HANIuaR's .Entire."-We doubt it very much, especially since he
set up as a censor of the Press.
LIKELY to facilitate the working of the Congress machinery.-The
admission of Greece (grease). i
(JULY 10, 1878.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
STILL THE BANKS OF THE LIMPID THAMES-
LAST TUESDAY MORNING.
Ma. EnDoR,-Sir,-I concluded my last communication with
an account of my brutal expulsion from the tent-and I don't know
how my companions reconcile their proceedings with gentlemanly
breeding after luring me with glittering promises from my comfort-
able two-pair back at Boulogne. Not that I am at all sure they had
the best of it. I leave it to your common sense, sir (though there
isn't much I would leave to it *), to judge which would be the more
cemfortable-to be cooped up with four other persons in a tent sixfeet
by five-and-a-half, or rolled, militarywise, in a rug beneath the
"' broad canopy of Heaven" after the manner of a noble but unfortu-
nate friend of mine now languishing in Dartmoor. Even in the silent
watches of the night my duty was uppermost in my mind; lying on
my back and gazing pensively into the blue empyrean, my thoughts
gradually fell into the poetic strain which is one of my noblest
characteristics, and which has filled with envy the whole of my poetic
contemporaries, as clearly foretold by the famous Bard of Avon
(himself a little in the prophetic line) when he remarks :-
The Poets sigh in a fine frenzy."
The turn my reflections took was as follows:-
Expelled in his age from the shade of the tent
His hunger unsated, his money all spent,
And wildly anathematising the crew,
Trophonius covers himself from the dew.
But soon there occurs to his powerful mind
A plan of a very insidious kind,
For calming their anger till Henley is won,
And he's written about it and sent it to 'un.
My plan was simple and soon put into operation. As soon as I saiv
the cook of .a crew near stirring I sought his company-ostensibly to
borrow a cooking apparatus (ours having been rendered useless by the
eccentricities of the previous evening), but in reality to pick up a
wrinkle or two of the peculiar cookery of the river. At first
I was gruffly received, but I ventured to use the name of this
journal, when all was changed, and I presently parted with him
with expressions of goodwill and the loan of the apparatus. I will
not trouble you with details; suffice it to say that when my quondam
friends rose and took their dips in the river they were met by me on
their return and, in spite of their '* What! you've not gone, you old
impostor! which I disdained to notice, each presented with a glass
of rum-and-milk. I next set before them a small bowl of oatmeal
porridge-then coffee with cool, freshly-washed lettuce and thin bread-
and-butter, also boiled eggs and fried bacon. Long before the con-
clusion of the repast I saw that my plan had succeeded. Glances of
surprise were exchanged and approving remarks levelled at the
prophet, which I treated with lofty indifference. At the conclusion I
rose. "Gentlemen," I said, "after your insulting remarks of last
night, it is of course impossible for me to remain in your company.
I prepared your breakfast this morning as a proof that I had no desire
to take an unfair advantage of you and leave you in the lurch ; besides
which I had to vindicate my honour as a cook when not interfered with.
Having done so I wish you good morning."
Then up rise the crew, and they rise as one man,
And wholly object to endorsing the plan;
Surrounding the prophet with tears in their eyes,
They beg his permission to a-pol-o-gise,
Which, having no strong animosity towards them,
The gentle old prophet quite blandly accords them.
Thus ended this great misunderstanding; since then, by making
simple stews and not forgetting to grease the pan when frying chops, I
have got on pretty well. You go to press so early that after all I
must postpone my account of the race till next week,-1 am, yours,
P.S.-Who sent the winner of the Northumberland Plate F? ack
Jannette for the Leger. My Goodwood selection is a moral.
A STUDENT of the Immortal Bard says he can prove that the early
life of Hamlet was passed in the wilderness. We wrote at once for
further information and find that he bases his conviction upon
Hamlet's statement that he was to the manner born."
Were it not that Trophodius is an old man wholly dependent upon his -con-
nection with this journal lor his means of subsistence-for it would be in.utting
th*. intelligence of our readers to suppose them unconscious of his utter incapacity
as a prohett-we should not regard there constantly recurring insults quite so
calmly. Conscious rectitude and the ridiculous nature of the rmi arks enable us to
una sin a dignified [corn. We -an our cuntiibutor, however, that there is a
l:mit to even our patience.-ED.
JLYYrlOq. 1878.1 ;UN .
SPECIMENS .OF CELEBRATEDJ.AUTHORS. may obtain its daily increment of current (paper) history and suctlike,
SPECIMNW OF t wCELBRATEDaAUT ORS. ^and, know what is happening-or not happening-round him in this
[Amongst the replies to requests for articles made toi tna great little earth, which he yet inhabits for awhile. What more is needed '
writers of the day, the following from a well-known -philosopher is so Nothing. We clothe our bodies daily-we feed them at certain inter-
characteristic, that- not being marked "Private'-"-we print it. vals, which Nature, by means of useful internal horologe, points out to
-ED.] us Why then feed the mind for other thaundaily use P Do -we not
OCnassa' June, 1878. all live from day to day only, and know not.what another may. bring
EDITORIAI Sm,-Among the ghastliest, shams flourishing in these forth ? Let the writing of the day be, therefore, sufficient for it. 0 my
fleshily covered skeleton days, in.which we find ourselves living, Ind Brother! write nothing-read nothing then shall we begin actually
unhappily trying to work our way into another and-what must a all to live. Have we not all had to un-learn much F Would that we could
events be--a better state, the horror of most stupendous magnitude .is un-write and un-read much!
that melancholy imbecility-not amounting to the dignity of being Teufelsdrockh, in a recent letter to the present writer, touoncs on
designated madness-which appears to drive as with- a&red hot Satanic these matters in manner following:
fire-prong every clothes-wearing animalto depart from his only true and Rest and Peace, my old friend, will only come to us when we reach
natural world-workasa walkingclothes-horse, to wildlyaushinto oceans beyond this Life of ours. Nay not life, for that is ours eternally !
of blackest ink distributing it about him, as by mop-trundling, or Say, rather, this no-life. It has of late seemed to me, after long
Newfoundland-dog-shaking (alas with no such usefulness of act or readings and writings of, perhaps, varied usefulness and non-ustful-
purpose !) in idiotic ravings, and inane nonsense, in the shape-hideous ness, that true rest may be ours simply by absence of all brain-work-
enough! of prose and verse even of all newspapers. Why not abrogate all disturbing influences,
With infinite gladness the present writer has latterly observed that such as come from writing and. reading ? and, so far, make a Heaven
the (so-called) reading public is becoming daily-nay, hourly- on Earth For assuredly, my, friend, there will be no such work-
smaller ; is, in fact, rapidly being driven out into infinite space by not even a daily paper-for us in that life to which we are hastening.
this monstrous procedure of everybody-not, fortunately, of every Let uathen, as far as in us lies, write not-read not. So shall we
soual-writing his own reading ; and to whom all other reading is but obtaimAhe greater height of Earthly Peace."
as empty, paper windbags, fit only to burst, with great explosive Thnuftar our valued correspondent, not carrying out his own ideas,
detonation, for-sound delectation only of infant minds! inasnmunoas he still writes, and doubtlessreads also! As does also hisold
So, at last, will arrive the happy, time when no Reading public friend, who has perused the able.Editor's request for an Article, which
shall exist, and no one who foolishly fancies himself possessed by a he must.deoliae to contribute, as, from reasons above shown, his
Demon of Thought-whether good or otherwise-needs more to worry writings are few and concise, and mostly limited to signing himself, as,
himself into getting it delivered to thapeople! Joyous coming time I for example, in the.present instance, T. WaXEn.
no writing! no reading! no Schoolboards-which, indeed, are the
woodenest-of all Boanids only fitly. used.by., being-/sat .on, and, if ACCORDING to the Registrar General's returns for the pasttwelve
possible, squeezed into filmy flatness. months, there has been a great increase in the population. This is
Still, however, may be permitted to exist (on stringent conditions hardly to be wondered at when we take into account the large number
yet to be considered) what-is called "Journalism." That so mankind of self-made men.
"You ought always to act with abundance of tact,"
So says her fond mother to Mabel;
"If a secret you've got, pray whisper it not,
But conceal it asleng as you're able.
"A word said to one might be harmlessly done,
Yet be shockingif used to another:
And to speak the whole truth in all cases, forsooth,
Is often productive of bother."
Such precepts of course we can freely endorse,
Yet mark what they frequently lead to:
Young people think, Why, after all, it's no lie,"
And prevaricate when there's no need to.
Truth's value is lost if you calculate cost,
And fail her pure beauty to see, Ma'am;
And the vice we deplore must be laid at the door,
Of five letters, X-P-D-N-C, Ma'am! .
The Gilded Age.
Tax W'Aitehall Review says that Mr. Chitty, Q C., has
won golden opinions of the Oxonian electors and will
take a lot of beating in the Liberal interest. We wonder
whether this implies that bribery will be resorted to
since Air. Chitty having won golden opinions, the beat-
ing referred to might be gold-beating.
A Real Wail.
TiHER was a mur(mur) made at the Royal Aqua-
rium when the company having paid an extra shiuling
to see a woman at her toilette found after all it was
only a "man at tea" (Manatee).
Are Celare (H)artem.
THERE is a limit to Biblical revision, and the critic
who says "As pants the Hart for water brooks" ought
to be "As paints the artist brook !" ought to be
stopped right away.
WHY has Lord Beaconsfield abandoned his policy of VAIN REGRETS.
maintaining the "integrity of Turkey F-Because he first Tar :-" WELL, JACK, IT SBEMS WE SHAN'T HAVE A BRUSH WITH
found Turkey had no integrity to maintain. THE RoosHIANs APrBR ALL."
PorPER locality for the office of the Commissioners of Second ditto :-" UoH BRUsH NO. WHY, WHILE THEM THERE POLITICAL
Sew-ers.-Threadneedle-street. BzEGGARS HAVE BEEN JAWING WE COULD AVE SETTLED THE BLOOMING LOT."
THE COMPLETE BUILDER.-(BY ONE WHO HAS BEEN A TENANT.)
No. 4.-THE CISTERN LARK.
I w, qW / IWM I/
Great fun to be got out of istei nu I In building, you never design a suitable place for it ;
then you find that the only possible place for it is in the best bed-room. Unsightly 1 1 !"
you say to the tenant; why, it takes away from the bareness of the walls, and here it
won't be exposed to frosts in the Winter."
Don t fasten the supply pipe and ball-tap. Leave it to wave
about. In a short time it will just peep over the edge of
the cistern to have a look about.
[JULY 10, 1878.
iFU'IN.-TuLY 10, 1878.
WAITING FOR LORD BEACONSFIELD.
John Bull:-" NOW I WONDER WHICH I SHALL HAVE TO GIVE HIM!"
JULY 10, 1878.]
Two Brandies and a Split-" Umbrella."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL REPORTER AT BERLIN.
AT THE BUFFET, THB RADZIWIL PALACE, 3rd July, 1878.
MY information, you will doubtless haye noticed, sir, was
correct. The peaceful solution of the Eastern difficulty is now assured,
and by such highly respectable European agents, that the policy must
be considered a first-class one. When I remember how hardly I have
worked, I am very glad things promise to end so well, I can tell you.
I am proud, too, in a way, for of this I am certain, that had there
been no buffet the Congress would have broken up in excitement the
very first week of its gathering. Talk about pouring oil on the
troubled waters of diplomacy, there was something much more effica-
cious than that tobe done, and now time has proved that by deluging the
Congress, as it were, with iced drinks, and by substituting sherry cob-
blers, and lemon-flavoured tea, and dry monopole, and absinthe, and
Lager, and Marsala, and a dozen other beverages for the traditional
oil, the agitated sea of national prejudices has been so calmed as to
render its navigation possible by the craft of the diplomatists (craft-
a ship, and craft-cunning ; a little joke, you see!).
It will be only fair, then, if the name of him who kept the buffet at
the Berlin Congress be handed down to posterity with the proud title
of Horatio Codes who kept the bridge, with the noble patronymic of
Leonidas who kept the pass,* with the honoured cognomen of George
Washington (wasn't it he?) who kept his word, and withtheestimable de -
nomination of that excellent young woman of Greek extraction (I forget
her name for the moment) who, through long months of close confine-
ment in prison, kept her grandpapa-through the keyhole.
At the right moment, then, I hope my name will be given to an
admiring world, and that there will be at least a seat on the rumble
kept for me when my lord Beaconsfield returns in triumph and a state
coach from the Congress.
A statue I will not take; but any monetary tribute, sir, a gratified
public may insist on laying at my feet I am of too grateful a turn of
mind to spurn. (N.B.-P.O.O.'s may be made payable at Ludgate-
It will be noticed I write as though all is over. So it is virtually.
I have begun opening my last gross of soda; and the President's
orders are not to get in any more, but to use the potash-water-which
has hung on hand rather-and say nothing, in case I really want a
For that matter I am running short in all kinds of liquor, for since
those Greek and Roumanian gentlemen were admitted, there has been
an extra demand all round, especially for the stronger sorts. Those
Armenian Patriarchs, too-viewed as Patriarchs-were right valiant
elbow-crookers, and the way they tossed off tumblers of aniseed and
O rt would have surprised those whose only notion of such parties is
wn from the history of Abraham, and Eli, and Jacob and their
I do not, however, propose to publish my returns of the number of
To prevent all possible misconception the "pass" I allude to was a defile,
and not a dramatic order.-Y. E. 8. R.
drinks served during the Congress and to whom, without personal
communication with the interested diplomatists, who may, some of
them, prefer to recoup me privately for my labour in getting up the
statement, rather than allow me to repay myself by the issue of my
statistical summary in a cheap form. At all events, they shall have a
chance of deciding. -. '
I have obtained leave to take off with me all the glass and pewter at
a fair trade price. Thus I shall return to England with hampersful of
interesting relics, which will, I think, fetch very fancy prices. How
many old Tories, for example, will compete for the Premier's favourite
champagne glass, or the spoon he always used when he drank tea in a
tumbler with Count Schouvaloff. Many a Jingo," again, would
surely be eager to possess the glass in which Lord Salisbury split a
Soda and B. with Count Andrassy, before going into the Congress, and
making that speech which made Count Schouvaloff eat a penholder to
hide his agitation.
The friends of the Hellenes, too, will value the empty bottles which
contained the champagne used in brewing the cup" with which the
Greek envoys celebrated the concessions granted to their country, and
excited by which they sang, to the tune of Rule Britannia, Grecians
never, never, never will be Sclavs' !"
There is absolutely no news, except that all goes well; and things
look so promising that my next letter will probably be my last.
BY ONE "WHO DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING DOWN IN BERLIN."
AT last things are settled, and cares no more cark;
I've a hazy idea that life is a lark,
And death a dinodment; and as for one's birth,
Why, the opening farce that attunes one for mirth.
Come, the aches in our ankles-we're rakes, too, no doubt,
Whom a goat for old port has chastised with the gout,-
Have retired from the bones, while the spirit is freed
From the tiniest taint of ambition or greed,
From the smallest desire to lie, swindle, or kill-
The Congress will do it, I'm certain it will.
We can take up at last any sheet of the Times,
And our blood needn't curdle at records of crimes;
Nor our purses contract as we read in each line
The pathetic appeal and the hypocrite whine,
For the Briton who's struck and the Moslem who's down,"
Nor Moslem nor Lancashire lad wants a brown,"
For the mills in our midst are all goiug again,
And those "mills" in the East ceased to redden the plain,
And a man's like a cherub-all virtue and bust--
For the Congress must make him so, I'm sure it must !
And our incomes are all of them raised cent. per cent.
At the moment when Tailors and Taxes relent,
They're reforming the City and Waterworks Cos.,
And our water is pure as the justice that flows
From the lips of the judges who grace old Guildhall.
Obstruction shall reason, O'Gorman feel small!
Solved, the secret of Psycho and public-house port,
Hushed, the Quaker's rebuke and the Jingo's retort!
And for peace, justice, progress, e'en Patriots pant,
For the Congress can do that--'m hanged if it can't!
IN bonnets there is nothing very remarkable- except some of the
faces. This sensible style of couvre chef has two strings to its bow.
The Marie Stuart headdress, which fell at Fotheringay three hundred
years ago, reappears, in spite of the proverb, on many young
shoulders. A cap is worn under the border. Over the Border a bon-
net is worn. The polonaise still appears in the majority of new summer
costumes, and so do polonaise-wearers, if they can afford them. For
dancing dresses, fluting is preferred to piping. Natural flowers are
worn upon the bodies, but artificial roses still find favour for the
cheeks. Gentlemen of the highest rank have revived the old fashion
of wearing bracelets. It has never gone out of use among the lower
orders, with whom those ornaments have retained the aristocratic
name of Darbies.
Turkey and Sausage Meat.
The newspapers are comparing the partition of Turkey now in
course of being carried out to the Finis Poloniae, as it was called, of some
years ago. Now it is a strange coincidence, to say the least, that the
two countries should both come to be divided as they have, but at the
same time it is not an unnatural end: for the fate alike of 'I urkey and
" Polony has ever been to be cut up, and not unfrequently in com-
pany. L t
[JULY 10, 1878.
AN UNFAILING SPECtFIC AGAINST CRIME. REGISTERED.)
HERE's a regular true narration
Quite uncoloured in all respects,
Here's a story of Ed-jucation
Likewise showing its grand effects.
Here's no arguments vague and mystic,
Proving, bothered if one knows what;
Here is regular pure statistic,
Seed and certified, all the lot.
Ne'era word of it ain't invention,-
Such-like calumny I rebuts,
Likewise equally not to mention
How it's fully adorned with cuts.
Those as doubtfully picks to pieces
These statistical facts, I spurns,
Let them look at the last Police's
Metropolitan Crime Returns!
Talk of ignorance overlading
People's craniums and to spare,
Why our village-oh lor degrading !
Talk of savages-goodness !-there !
Captain Cook (the respected rover)
Can't have never have see such herds ;
Which they'd regular stumble over
Flem" and Tizick" and such-like words.
As to wickedness, gracious goodness !
(Child of ignorance what's intense)
Quite surprising of understoodness,
Words is feeble in consequence.
Let the following true narration
Paint occurrences what's occurred,
Such requiring elucidation-
(Ed-jucational kind of word).
Take old Timothy, round the corner-
Though distressing me thus to speak,
Sweet morality's hardened corner ;
Tipsy regular twice a week.
ED. FcN. Herel Enough of it! This narration,
Ungrammatical as can be,
Might be better for free translation
Into readable form by me.
THE AUTHOR. Ungrammatical P I'm astounded.
Likewise ain't to be trifled with--
ED. FUN. Pooh I The narrative must be rounded,"
Else the reader will lose the pith;
Clothed in suitable verbal raiment-
THE AUTHOR. Hang your technical terms, I say ;
You'll go collaring half the payment!
En. FUN. No-
THE AuTHOR. That alters it; fire away !
There was Timcthy (lately mentioned),
Quite a marvel of evil deeds;
He was possibly well-intentioned,
For 'tis ignorance so misleads.
He affected the cobbler's calling
(Healing, soloing, and mending holes);
He'd, with wickedness most appalling,
Give your Wellingtons paper soles.
James, the butcher, was next in badness ;
He, the son of depraved deceit,
Would (with positive fiendish gladness)
Charge a shilling a pound for meat.
Dear! how often his faith was broken
By that artifice all condemn,
Namely, sending with joints bespoken
Bones that never belonged to them.
Next the Reverend Crawley Creepie,
Though a person of some research,
Rendered sinfully cross and sleepy
All the people attending church.
He, with vanity far too ample,
Thought his sermonings light and nice-
Most distressingly painful sample
Of the loftier walks of vice I
Our professor, though words and phrases
Paint his knowledge with faintness dim
(Abstract science's deepest mazes
Seeming positive play to him),
Would repeatedly leave his labours
Just to wickedly give the day
Up to teasing his nearest neighbours
In the shabbiest, meanest way.
Well, when several years had glided,
Came a spirited School Board man,
Who with wonderful ease decided:-
Here's this village's blighting ban:
Want of adequate education
Causes limitless social ill,"
Thus remarking, with great elation,
There and then he essayed his skill.
First to Timothy's vices turning,
Learning's remedy to impart,
He insisted upon his learning
Euclid's axioms off by heart:
Tim has never from that occasion
Even looked at a paper sole,
Why, the inference scorns evasion:
Education's a nation's goal."
James, the butcher, he next conducted
Out from infamy-so to speak;
Him successfully he instructed
In the primary rules of Greek.
Never lately the meat he's vending
Over twopence a pound has run,
Nor has anyone found him sending
Bones that didn't belong to one !
Then the very successful teacher
Took the Reverend Crawley's case;
Wise his method; he taught the preacher
Astronomical charts to trace.
Jt o, 18FUN. 19
Now the sittings are over lowing originally constructed to carry a head the size it has now, and the realt
When the *everend's fired to speak; has only been achieved by a severe system of compulsory education.
Brief his sermoniigs, brilliant, glowing, It is now, alas a vegetable idiot. Its head has been overorammed,
Yet that evlierond is so meek and stuffed with Cauliflorality, which has utterly crowded out its
Our professor he next attended; capacity for original thought. Nothing now remains of it but a head
Or pH ere the method was not so plain anda stump. If, perchance, at midnight's solemn hour, some faint
All the branches of learning blended and vain regrets e'er cross the brain ganglia of this -Cauliflower,
All thate branches ofenlightened bralended bringing with them a dim, momentary consciousness of his unhappy
Long that teacher, with mind fab-reachingin! lot, and leading him through memory's paths to recall the old, old
Longht somteae her, wic the case to sueachingt. days, when he had a great heart and no head to speak of ; if, we say,
Sought some physngo the case to suit the Cauliflower is ever troubled with disagreeable qualms of this sort,
Our professor to play the flute, it is certain they must arise from the stump, for the bloated head has
no longer the necessary intelligence for their comprehension.
So successfully worked his labours, Some people believe that the Cauliflower is a Broccoli in didg~se;
Our professor at once became others, that the Broccoli is a disguised Cauliflower. That, hoWever, is
Xindest, nicest, and best of neighbours, a private family matter, entirely out of the region of scientific inqttiry.
1Free, in every way from blame. All we can say is, that if the Cauliflower and the Broeboli are as
thus will wickedness shrink defeated closely related as is secretly rumored, there must exist some tinh ipy
From the person who duly learns cause of domestic estrangement between the relatives. Foi they iNir'
Certain lessons in doses meted- visit. As soon as ever the Cauliflower comes in, the Broccbli g6es iit;
'(See the recent Police Returns.) and when the Broccoli comes in, the Cauliflower goes out.
In partaking of Cauliflower with a lady, it is usual for a g6ntleiban
S VEGETABLE MORALIST. to remark, Some people prefer the flower, and some people prefrfthie
UE COM!PLETE VEGaTABLE_ MORALIST. stump; but for my part I prefer the flower." He then gracefUlly
removes the flower to his own plate, and, with a winning smile, pre-
No. IX.-THE CAULIFLOWER. sents the lady with the stump. Thus they each part-take.
Tni Cauliflower you nmay-sall a flower, but if you call till you are
black in the face you cannot make a flower of it. The Cauliflower is A Flagging Interest.
an instructive ehianple of the working of the Education Acts. Once THi Conservatives of Flint, perhaps, hesitated in hoisting their
the aisliflower was an ignorant but happy Cabbage, with a heart candidate on a flagstaff ; but they must have felt that they could not
that another ldfeel for. But his well-wishers insisted on edu- pay their Pennant" a better compliment than to place him at the
cating'-hin, and getting everything into his head. The first thing that top of the "poll."
gave *ay to education was his heart; and that went into his head,
alongwith most of his green clothes. The poor thing was never A Russ DR GARB."-A Muscovite station-master.
r Masses. MAcmLLAw publi14" A Week at the Lakes,"
arteries of ethic sketches by J. Priestman Atkinson.
'Thdi* k b1lWfi to a very large family, the head and
chief of whichh is Dick Doyle's "Brown, Jones, and
Robinson." Mr. Atkinson's work is full of fun and
lively humour, and may be regarded as a pleasant com-
panion for the holiday time.
Among the guides to Paris, produced for the Exhi-
bition year, the little hand-book "Going to Paris,"
Trilbner and Co., is certainly one of the best; it is
simple, clear and concise.
"Jones's Journey to Paris," Warne and Co., is a
handy little volume in which the author, in a gossiping
way, gives as much information about Paris and the
Paris Exhibition, about hotels and places of amuse-
ment, as will be found in many an expensive guide-
book. The work is profusely and cleverly illustrated
by Harry Tuck.
Messrs. Cook and Son also issue a capital guide to
Paris, brimful of useful information; it contains a plan
of Paris, showing its monuments, also Dr. Loth's illus-
trated plan, both of which are invaluable helps to the
From the office of a contemporary is issued "Ally
Sloper's Guide to the Paris Exhibition," written and
illustrated in that eminent littlratemr's usual style.
Ally savs with truth, "This is the only guide of the
Messrs. Triibner and Co. do good service in intro-
ducing the American Revolving Book Case. It does not -
occupy more space than an ordinary what-not and will
contain from 70 to 200 volumes, depending on the num-
ber of shelves; it is most useful in a small room, and
forms a handsome piEoe of furniture for a drawing-room. -
The peculiar advantage is that with the slightest touch -
it will revolve, and being on wheels can with the greatest -
ease be moved from one part of a room to another. -
Tm*Obbiisknow lie onits cradle, and, having been ONE REASON AS GOOD AS ANOTHER.
exhumed in Eg. pt, its career may be'regarded as an
antithesis to the accepted formula, "From the cradle Gussie:-" LIzxiE, DARLNG, WHY DO YOU wAR ANOTHrR WOMANE'8
to the grave." AIR "
Ligie.:-" 1GlSrs, DAR,, wHY D YoIU WEAR ANOTHER CA- I MAN,
AN Ex-PARTs."-The late Lord Mayor. WHY Do YOU WEAR CALF's RI O2 YO-uR ANDS e?"
20 F U .(JULY 10, 1878.
READY, ALWAYS READY.
.Aut Mary:-" HERE, ETHEL, DEAR, I HAVE BROUGHT YOU SOME HONEY DROPS."
-Mamma *-"' OH -iw -HICE. ETHEL tT SiAvYtras):--I1SsEs-HAS A COUGH."
Ethel (after waiting two or three minutes) :-" I'VE GOT A COUGH NOW."
As Mazeppa at Astley's Miss Lisa Weber gallops from the stage
to the roof of this vast theatre." Evidently the lady has made rapid
strides in her profession, for few actresses have attained similar
The appearance of Miss Agnes Leonard at the Duke's as Kate
O'Brien is nothing more nor less than Perfection.
The large amount of money made by Mr. Henry Irving will enable
him to thoroughly go in for Jingle.
The rumoured fracas between Messrs. Frank Marshall and Clement
Scott was, it appears, an exaggerated one; consequently they will not
take part in ,ow for Bloow.
The Opera Comique is so eminently successful under the skilful
management of Mr. D'Oyly Carte that his benefit, with a bill contain-
ing more than ordinary attraction, could not be other than a bumper.
The Alexandra Palace, with its improved management, caters well
for the public, who respond by flocking to the various attractions so
well and seasonably put forward, and which embrace every conceivable
sort of entertainment from penny pop-gun practice to a Beethoven
SONG of the bewildered tourist in the Old Town of Edinburgh.-Ye
wynds that have made me your sport.
BY HIS FRUIT WE MAY KNOW HIM.
"The Russian Chancellor owes his convalescence, it is stated, to a plate of
strawberries-British Queen's."-Daily Paper.
DEVOTED has Prince Gortschakoff
To Russia's Czar for long years been;
But lately love has he professed
Still greater for the British Queen!"
Effect of the Heat.
ONE of the most natural results of the recent hot weather on over-
heated brains was the decision of a coroner's jury who had been
considering the case of a man who was killed by a blow on the head
administered by his son. They brought in a verdict of "Sun
A SOCIETY journal states that it now takes about twelve years to
get into the Rag." We know plenty of people who can, in much less
time, get into rags.
Now Ready, the Thirty-fourth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-SEVENTH VOLUME ef the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth ,4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
E'. e beiag ab.Inom tituents it ealh 100 parts of various klads of
i- DEiiU- VR-AGES. TK AMIeUNT a bout Coeo re al'. 4d.a
RASPBERRY, rT RAWII T, BLACK C URRANT, TTMy OF NI "I ROB per th.
FRUIT.GINGHER LEIONl'EPPERSIINT.c.,&c. These GENOU, C. BRAN UFR & O.'S New registered pre
dnd ae winfy r t s-able firhd the, aRtmes Pc. Is; `44CO 60%T series of these Pens neither catch nor epurt-the
are invaluable for ase with JE-ateo Watera. ointsa : .; TUENTS. tha points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Half-plate, 1,. One dozen Pnts eat. crrl re paid,'for 1. t she rg e of Stati.ner for a Sixpnny Assorted Sample Box and
Beoketta. SYRUP 0)F (IRAN' 12 AND QUaININK 1. a mast other m wl" the pattern beat suited to your hands *
health Taonle 1W. OlCK9TTHepool. Manhehtee.' a aid sthta0 a I) o0 Pbouogeo. st... WOaga. B-)MINGhlAx.
Londot n epot: 150, O i O.d trert, h id all, ChRosets. n a, sa ilDor-' omt.t ar e es. BIMIOoAil 1.
rintedi by JIDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commoni, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 16, fleet dtreet, B.O.-London, July 10, 87h.
JULY 17. 1878.] FU N. 21
Sergeant-Major Bjffles:-" "A, YOU MAY CHAFF, YOUNG FELLOWS; BUT IF WE WERE CALLED OUT YOU'D FIND A .OOD MANY OF US "old
ones" IN the van !"
Chorus of young ones:-" WHAT SORT OF A VAN, Ma. BUFFLE ? AMBULANCE CARRIAGE, YOU MEAN, DON'T YOU ?"
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY.
Br A CONFIRMED IDYLLER.
No. III.-A PHILLIPIC.
ORTUNA, I desire to state,
Uncompromisingly I hate.
The lady, it must be confessed,
Returns my hate with interest;
(And p'r'aps 'twere graceful to admit
I think she has the best of it !)
/ For-though there's halfpence-by
Your humble servant gets but kicks.
It seems to yield her keen delight
To thwart my efforts day and night,
She sears my fortune with a frown,
She calmly hits me when I'm down,
She racks my heart and fires my
And goes and makes me miss my
And lose the keys of all my trunks-
She is a mean and vicious hunks !
She made me love a face-so fair!-
And then benumbed me with despair
(For though I love the face, I fear
It simply looks at me to sneer).
She gives a fillip now and then
To some unfortunate young men;
Why don't she swamp my soul with glee
By giving PHILLIPS unto me P
A Grubby Philosopher.
THAT was an interesting anecdote that was related the other night
in the House by the member for Glasgow, of the gentleman of the
name of Grubb, who, when under the influence of liquor, exhibited
a passion for stealing, not grub, but tubs. We should have thought
that the most likely things to be stolen by a gentleman in his cups would
be jugs or bottles with something strong in them; but Mr. Grubb's
taste it seems inclined him differently. Probably he took the tubs, be-
cause having made a hog of himself, he expected that they contained
wash. Or he might have thought that his habits putting him out of the
pale of decent society, his best course was, like a celebrated philosopher,
to take up his residence in the tub aforesaid.
Titles are Vain Things.
Mas. MALAPROP says that she hIs been reading a novel called The
Scotch Tallyman." She probably means Sir Walter Scott's
A Serie-ous Proposition.
MODERN Novelists are so fruitful, and so constantly publish their
productions in "parts," that their ruling goddess must be CEEss.
FRoM Wales we learn that there is a strike in the Slate trade. We
sincerely hope the metropolis will follow suit; it would indeed be a
relief if London journalists would, for a week or two, stop slating."
THE dispute between Mr. Gye and Madame Marimon appeared in a
contemporary under the heading of Operatic Agreements." We
should have thought that it was a case of operatic dis-agreements.
AT the Hove Exhibition there is exhibited a case of beautifully
carved nicknacs which have been made by a street scavenger out of
toothpicks found in the streets. Of course beggars cannot be
choosers of their materials, but decayed toothpicks would only be
collected by persons who are living from hand to mouth.
22 F UN.
[J _Y 17, 1878.
THE COMPLETE VEGETABLE MORALIST.
... ... --
.: .2.*--, -
k -"I/ 3 ,,.
No. X.-THE ONION.
THE Onion is the only truly penitent vegetable. It aheds tears in-
cessantly, and even the careless bystander is unable to regard so
edifying a spectacle without being involuntarily compelled to weep in
sympathy with this distressed bulb. The cause of its unhappiness will
be best understood when we scientifically describe the numerous com-
plaints from which it suffers. It is a biennial bulbous root with a
swelling stem, fistular leaves, a reflexed spathe, a large globose umbel,
and the lobes of its perianth obtuse and'hooded. It is wonderful how
the poor-sufferer survives such a numerous conglomeration of painful
disorders. Besides its copious tears, the Onion produces a fragrance of
very serious character, which, though not exactly fashionable as a
toilet bouquet, is freely distributed as incense by people careless of
incensing the nostrils of their fellow-creatures.
There is an Onion Fair held every autumn at Birmingham, where'
the Onion is publicly worshipped. The sacred smell at such times
extends to a radius of at least fifty miles, and has frequently been
detected at Stafford, Shrewsbury, Worcester, Warwick, Northampton,
and Leicester. Other more remote places could indeed be mentioned,
but the object of these serious papers on comic vegetables is to restrict
ourselves to telling the truth within such limits as prudence may
Notwithstanding the usually strict propriety of this suffering vege-
table, it is not to be concealed that there is a branch of the Onion
family which has gone astray, even to scouring up into trees, to grow
Onions upside-down in the sky. The true Onions, which dwell in
strict seclusion underground, repudiate all connection with their mis-
guided relatives, and weep for them. But the Tree Onion is hard of
heart, and smells, but weeps not.
The Onion, though comparatively a recent inhabitant of this country,
is widely esteemed and respected. It was a great favourite with the
Egyptians in the time of Moses and the Pharaohs. The Egyptian
priests used it to disinfect sinners who entered their temples, and make
them cry and look artificially penitent.
NOT AT ALL NECESSARY.
MR. REETHER VAYNE, about to enter a photographer's, is accosted by MBR.
MR. WHONTER NOGH. Hullol What are you going to be photo-
MR. R. VAYNE. Well, I thought of having my carte placed in the
MR. WH. NoonH. Why, what for? You've not made your name
illustrious by your talents, have you ?
MR. R. VATNE. Well, no !
Ma. Wa. NOGH. And you're not a member of the Royal Family,
are you ?
MR. R. VAYNE. Oh, no !
MR. WH. Noon. And, in fact, you're a nobody, with no claim
whatever upon the public attention ?
MR. R. VAYNE. Well-a-just so; but the fact is I want to have
my carte exposed becal se-I'm-well, very good looking.
MR. WH. Noon. V ry? You're certainly passably good looking-
that is, you're not remarkable for ugliness; but you need to be some-
thing more than that, if you propose to hold your features up to public
criticism, I should say.
MR. R. VAYNE. Oh, no, not at all! You're quite wrong-look
here. (S/hows hAm the photographs of MRS. GiAINELLIS EAST and
M-s. BANGTRY on the photographer's window.)
MA. Wn. NoGH. Oh-I see, you're quite-right about it, and I'm
sure I beg your pardon. (Goes of humbly, white MR. VAYNE g es8 in
and carries out his project.)
WHAT IT IS COMING TO.
Ma. SELFREY SPECTING (to his friend, MR. NozER LOTTArOKES).
That appears to be-a very nice fellow you introduced me to. Seems
well-informe d in the matters of travelling and all that. My wife took
an immense liking to him at once; and my little boy and girl won't
get off his knee.
MI. N. LOTTAPoKEs. Ah glad you like him; felt sure you would
too. He is a nice fellow. Moves in good society. (MA. SELFREY
SPECTING suddenly looks doubtjully.) High position, I can tell you.
(MR. S. S. looks troubled.) Member of the aristocracy, in fact. (MR.
S. S. frowns.) Marquis, in short!
MR. S. SPECTING. What! eh? Wh-why, you don't mean to
tell me that you could-4good gracious !-could introduce me-a person
with some self-respeft-to a MARQUIS! Good heavens and my
wife's talking to him, and my little boy and girl are sitting on his
MR. N. LOTTAFOXES. Well, but, my dear fellow--a Marquis-
well-known at Coutt.
MI. S. :SPnCTInG. Oh, ah, yes--Divorce Court, eh? But don't
keep me; I muwt go and tear away my wife -and children from the
contain- Ah, here are the children-atld-'but- Here, I say,
he's bolted with my wife !
THE LATEST POPULAR SOARE.
MR. WHURRTIDBIGH BEATLE '(0to MR. HoWTERGIT TIRIDDATUM). I
say, old boy, I've come in to beg you to'give me a shake-down to-
night. 'I can't sleep in my'house; it's-positively Black with beetles!
MA. H. RIDDAven Why don't you kill'then 'all'?
MR. W. BEATLES (with snueh derision). 'Kill 'em all? That is
good; why, I've given up half my life to trying to kill 'em all!
Nothing will touch them. As to the remedies recentlysuggested by
disinterested people in the papers -
Mn. H. RIDDAVUM. Well, Imanage it easy enough. 'I us 'this.
It's violet powder. I steal it 'from 'the baby, and puit Patent
Vermin Assassinating Powder" in the box in its place. Baby don't
notice the difference-and the mortality among the beetles !
THE RULE OF THE RIVER THAMES.
MR. GOTTER HOLLERDY. Come along, my dear, and we'll have a
nice day on the river; go up to some nice quiet place and have it all
to ourselves, h ? * Here we are. Here's a boat; now
we are all right. Lovely place! Let's go up that backwater.
hRs. G. HOLLERDY. Oh, no, we can't, dear, there are some men
Ma. G. H. Oh, well we can keep in the main stream.
MRS. G. H. No-we can't; there are some men bathing there
Ma. G. H. Well, we'll go the other way.
Mas. G. H. No, don't; there are more men bathing there.
MR. G. H. Oh we must take the train and go back to town, and
go on the river there. (Tey take the train to Putney and hire another
6ba.) There, there won't be men bathing here, it's too puiblic-.
Mns. G. H. Yes, there are; close by the bridge, in front of the
Ma. G. H. We'll go lower down, to the Embankment *
here we are-.
MRS. G. H. Oh, let us go back; there are more men bathing here
- and swearing!
MR. G. H. Well, we'll go up river again, and have dinner'tt at
hotel on the banks. There-there's a beautiful view ofithe
river from this window !
MRS. G. H. And a lot more men bathing and calling out Whoa
Emma" to me. Oh, let us go home and never come near the river
again. Leave it for the Roughs, like the Parks. (They do so.)
MUCH TO BE PITIED.
FiST MINER. Wages ? Why, any amount o' wages wouldn't be
too 'igh for sich dangerous, risky work as ourn !
SECOND MsINER. No, 'twudn't neither Whoy,"uns never out o'
danger fur a minnut! There's 'underds killed every day-blowed
FIRST. Ah, well 'un may git oop subscripshuns fur un. As for the
masters they oughter be ashamed o' theysels too A-putting feller
creachers in continool danger o' their lives (Breaks safety lamp
in the must dangerous part oj the mine to light his pipe.)
Jr.y 17, 187R.1 Fi N 23
! SEcoND MINER. Aah, they did oort too! (Strike, match. Exp'o-
sion. A few hundred miners killed.)
A REMARKABLE PECULIARITY OF THE ENGLISH
Train stops at station.
PORTER. Change for Wugford.
UNREASONARLE' PASSENGER (from carriagewlindow). I say, must I
change for Tugthorpe ?
PORTER (ith. severity). Change for Wugford.
U. P. bWell, but I.don't want to go to Wug-- .
PORTER. Better make up yer mind, sir; train's .starting.
U. P. (getting out. in the de~eration of uncertainty). Well-here-
, PORTER. Yes, change for Wugford.
U. P. (who has just caught sight of the word Tugthorpe" on the
departing train, which he has qeited; whose heart has died within
him, and who now determines to. give himself up in calm despair to
fathoming the depths of the porter's mind). Porter, we seem likely to
have some rain, donit we ?
PORTER (with firmness). Change-for--Wugford.
U. P. I say, I fancy we shall come off-besitat Berlin, after all.
PORTER (dismissing the subject). CHANOGE FOR WUGFORD.
U. P. (with a ltst happy.notion), Hot. day, Brtoer?, Very thirsty
Ronaram (struggling with his, convictions). Chang fi-- (with a
suddenly-awakeniag, yA), Yessir-wviyr tiyhrsty sort. o: day-wery;
thank 'ee,.air! _
NCIENT bards were lucky mortals,
Tney were courted and caressed,
And. they sought Apollo's portals
'4eT,wight sing of Love or Glory-
=-. An~~ ~A blessed thing they chose ;
Noiw;wete)l another story-
S ~Iteahave altered, I suppose !
i'sa--alt !-a modern poet-
i Andmy cosat.ia, (well I know it!)
I Very shiny at; the seams.
When. I write an ode or sonnet
S Editors are in a huff,
AMake absurd remarks upon it,-
Say it isn't light" enough!
I am getting quite disgusted
With these superficial days;
There! At last! My coat has-
Mary, I resign the bays.
Give me sonnet, ode, and lyric,
Let me lock them in my desk
laoa *(Oh, events are most satiric!),
I'm about to write burlesque !
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
GOODWOOD PROGNOSTICATIONS, &C.
Henley, Saturday Week.
To THE EDITOR, DEAR SIR,-The sun rose fair and rosy to make
the world beautiful, and Trophonius rose, likewise fair and rosy, to
make the breakfast. He made it, ate his share of it; then he lit his
pipe and looked around him. The scene was lovely; the trees, green.
with the greenness of early summer, swayed gently in the breeze--the
softly-rippling water glided laughingly by-the sun shone-yes, the
sun shone; it was England, it was June, yet the sun shone; the
birds sang merrily in the trees; all nature knew it for holiday time.
It was the first day of the Henley Regatta. Trophonius was now
alone, for the crew preferred to take their pleasures without the ad-
vantage of his company. They were a rough-spoken, but withal, a
kindly set; they spoke disrespectfully of the prophet's clothing-
"seedy" was the term-they looked askance at his glistening
gossamer, and spoke in undertones, and grinned, but they left him in
charge of the cigars and beer; yes, they were, withal, a kindly set,
and they had left Trophonius in alone. He was musing thus:-
The Goodwood Stakes! the Goodwood Stakes!
Oh, see the book the prophet makes.
He scans the future by the light
Of never-erring second sight;
He scans the gaily-peopled course,,
And lightly spots the winning horse;
And some would tear him limb from limb
As Pageant lands a pot for him.
Yes, Trophonius was alone, the beer was finished. Lightly stepping
into the craft moored near, he deftly picked his way across the
thronged stream tp. the jetty-like structure on the tow-path side.
Securing the Ottoo a.pile, he lightly climbed the side with an agility
scarcely to be, erected from one of his years, and made his way to
the town. All. was bustle and excitement, gaily-dressed ladies and
handsome men, heating men of all sizes, with ribbons of all of the
rainbow distinctions of all clubs under the sun; bunting flying from
many a window and corks flying from many a bottle. The prophet
paused at the portal of the Red Lion." He emerged-
his eye was, fixed ard solemn. 'norwich ought to do it," he
muttered still thinking of Goodwood, and made his way to.the bridge.
It was a gay and- happy, scene, which even the questionable admission
of the Americans to compete failed to blight, but Trophonius cares little
for boat racing. He was, however, much struck by the graceful
beauty of the American style-commencing in spurt" and ending
in "pump." The prophet wandered to the "PCatherise Wheel."
* His eye was more fixed this time and more solemn.
" Ryltone is the winner," he whispered, and suddenly sat down-he
did not wish to sit down, but he remained sitting-content. Then he
dozed gently. He- rose with a start and pursued his way. "Ah,
I shall back Mida-a moral," and he chuckled. Somehow he reached
the tent-he was very thirsty. Sadly he thought of the poet's lines:-
"Water, water everywhere,
But what a stuff to drink! "
Suddenly his lack-lustre eye lighted on a small square case. He
dashed at and opened it. Hennessy's! !" Placed there doubtless
by the crew in his absence. He opened a bottle. Yes, Hampton is
the horse," he murmured. . He opened another bottle.
"Yes, Albert Edward,, of course." . He opened another
bottle. Harbinger ? He fell asleep then. Presently he woke
with a start and a cry of Strathmore;" then he opened another bottle
-there were but six. He fell asleep once more, gentle murmurs on
his lips, West Wind for first." Again he woke-his eye was more
fixed and more solemn than ever ; he crawled to the case-he opened
It was cold when he awoke once more. The sun was high in the
Heavens yet. Trophonius shivered. He tried to rise, but his back
was stiff, and racking pains shot through his head. He looked round
for his companions, .they were not to be seen. He then noticed, for
the first time, that the tent was no longer above him. Six empty
brandy bottles and a broken packing-case were all that remained to
show that he had not dreamed. He tottered to his feet; no boat in
sight but a punt-evidently private property. It was no time for
hesitation; the prophet pointed to the lock, slowly and painfully. He
sought the town. All was quiet. Not a flagto be seen, not a carriage
in the streets, not a tent on the banks. One dismal Jack thought-
fully regarded the stream. To him the prophet addressed himself.
"Where are all the people?" "Gone, o' course." "Gone! how
about to-day's regatta F" "Regatta a' Saturday ?" Saturday! It
all flashed upon him. He had slept through a whole day and two
nights And his dastardly companions had left him, an old, old man,
defenceless and alone, It was too much; he sat down on a stump and
wept -Yours, &c., TaorONIUS.
P.S.-Having lost Friday's racing, I am unable to give you an
account of it after all.*
P.S. 2.-How am I to get home ? t
Fresh as Paint.
THERE is one thing which goes straight to the heart of the lounger,
when he, as usual, leans against the nearest pillar-box and asks his
friends If there is anything fresh that morning ? It is to be told
in a cynical tone, Yes, the paint which you have put your back
Dum tacent, clamant.
AT the distribution of prizes on Saturday to the inmates of the Deaf
and Dumb Asylum at Margate, several of the children are said to
have spoken short sentences. We cannot quite understand how a
deaf and dumb child,can speak, but it shows that the training must
have been most.sound and the children deftly, dumb.
ORGANIC Changes.-The succession of tunes on a hurdy-gurdy.
This is reilly 1o, bad, we can t sta',d it any longer Trph.nius, having
grossly neglected his duty, will oblige us by calling for his saa.iy as soon as
poBsibe, when we wi l wih him farewell -BEo.
t We don't know and we don't care.-ED.
24 FUN. [JuLY 17, 1878.
THE. COMPLETh BUILDER.-(BY ONE WHO HAS BEEN A TENANT.)
No. 5.-WAYS AND PASSAGES.
Always make the very most of your ground; leave no side entrance. "'Ere's
the dustman," says the servant to the tenant.
But at e gti ihece little arrangements become somewhat tedious. THERE 111" gaps the tenant, "let him come through the drawing room-
and the coals too-and everything else I"
CONGRESS.-THE LAST MEASURE.
Gortschy :-" I RATHER FANCY, MY LORD, THAT I HAVE THE ADVANTAGE."
Dizzy:-"PARDON ME, BUT I THINK I AM THE BIGGER MAN OF THE TWO."
FTHNx.-^ LY 17. la8!-.
JUL'r 17, 1878.1
THE SOMNAMBULISTIC EDITOR.
I xNEW a fellow years agone
Upon a magazine,
He was its editor, and on
Its cover could be seen
The name of him of whom I sing,
Whose mania was such
He edited each blessed thing,
And edited it much.
"Because when I was young," said he,
"My editors would alter' me,
And so I do the same, you see,
With conscientious touch."
So areatlv would he exercise
His privilege's right,
That trom his couch he'd often rise
And do it in the night.
And when the hours were getting small,
Devoid of any clothes at all,
He, in his slumbers, used to crawl
And edit all his might.
While in this energetic trance,
With strict impartial will,
Full often he himself would chance
To suffer from his quill.
Fulfilled his sleeping task, and when
He back to bed had got,
You couldn't tell his efforts then
From efforts which were not.
And so I'm very much afraid
That other men were often paid
For verses he himself had made
And altered such a lot.
ONE of the most melancholy spectacles to be seen just
now about the streets of London is afforded by the
number of paper kites held fast by their tales to the
telegraph wires, and fluttering in the wind and rain until
they fall to pieces. As instances of the sad consequences
of a too soaring ambition, and as a disfigurement to the
metropolis, these derelict toys might be very fitly
described as (h)eye soars.
WHAT was the most industrious period of the world ?
- The B.C. (busy) period.
(The Orleans Club, July 9, 1878.)
Swellington finds it difficult to cross the field. B JOVE, A SECOND
Old Gent, pleased with his position:-" HA! HA! THIS IS BETTER THAN
PLAYING ONESELF SUCH WARM WEATHER, AND NO DANGER OF GETTING BRUISES."
Gentlemanly bat, to little ball:-" SORRY I KNOCKED YOU SO HARD "
EXTRACTS FROM THE EXAMINATION PAPERS
OF A NAVAL CADET,
WHO TRUSTED SOLELY TO THE LIGHT OF NATURE.
Q. What is the punishment for an officer found sleeping in his
watch ?-A. I should say that he had already suffered very close
Q. What are brigs ?-A. They are called two-masted vessels, but
they really have lore masts.
Q. What is a "long splice" ?-A. A golden wedding.
Q. To what purposes is the spar deck applied P-A. Boxing matches.
Q. Tell me what you know of the "reconciling sweep."-A.
Never heard of him before. Don't believe there is such a chap. A
fellow like that would want folks to fight, instead of stopping them.
Q. Where is the "spanker"- A. In Dombey and Son-Mrs. Mac-
Q. What is a gammoning hole "P-A. A slopseller's shop.
Q. Describe "sheer wales."--. I never travelled in the Princi-
pality, but I suppose it is where they do not speak any English.
Q. What is a square body"?-A. A good fellow like who
always pays up when he loses.
Q. What are "whelps"?-A. Cads like and who can
only remember a bet when they win it.
Q. What is the "rake of a mast "?-A. In a merchantman often
there is none; tut there is very often a rake of a master.
Q. What is the use of sunttles ?-A. To put coals in.
Q. What does the "badge" show ?-A. That there is a cab-in.
Q. Which is the most forward of the bends "?-A. The Grecian.
Q. What is the "cat-fall "?-A. On her feet.
Q. What are "bolsters for sheets" made of?-A. Bedtick and
Q. What is a wrain-bolt ?-A. (Mistake in the spelling.) A
stampede in a shower.
Q. Where are the "flats "?-A. They are not confined to any one
particular part of the ship.
Q. What are "gripes "?-A. I was not aware that I should be
expected to answer medical questions.
Q. What is a "guy "?-A. I could show you, if I had a looking
- but I do not wish to be personal.
Q. What do you understand by "quick work "'-A. The way in
which I am answering this paper.
Q. What is "the tuck"?-A. That depends upon the amount of
Q. What is the meaning of "without board"?F-A. "I am
Q. What are "partners"?-A. Cannot recollect just now ; most
probably they have something to do with the counter.
Q. What is a yard P-A. Three feet, or 36 inches. (I am sure
Q. What'.q the steps of the masts"P-A. That would depend, I
should imagine, on the rate at which the ship was walking through
Q. What do you mean by coming "tumbling home "?-A. I never
did, sir. I am incapable of such disgraceful conduct. Never was
intoxicated in my life. I am an officer and a gentleman. At least,
I am a gentleman, and I hope to be an officer.*
A HUNTING Parson should never ride a playful horse, or he may get
into trouble with the Bishop for gamb(o)ling on the Turf.
The deceitfulness of human hopes is proverbial.
[JULY 17, 1878.
ONE OF THE DIFFICULTIES OF ART.
Toucume a painter abroad-in-the-airfully
Doing a rustic scene ;
Picturing bushes and similar carefully ;
Turning 'em up with green;
Nohow, however, concerning how gracefully
He could arrange his hues,
Putting at once in-the-likeliest-placefully
Yellows and reds and blues.
Liking to finish a picture completely
Off at a single go,
Why he would labour un-changing-his-seatedly
Dozens of years or so,
Till you would wonder, with hope a-diminishing,
When you would see the wight
Thinking of having a notion of finishing-
Similar, well you might!
Oh, but the wonderful finish he put in it,-
That was the grand affair !
Lor, in the thousandthest part of a foot in it
Dozens of strokes to spare !
Under a microscope every inch of it
Coming out lovely, big:
Months he would occupy-making a pinch of it !-
Over a single twig.
Ah, and he carried it out so refinedly;
This an example be:-
Seventeen beetles had, quite undesignedly,
Perched on a distant tree;
While he was slowly and carefully tracing them
All of them sneaked away;
Catching the lot and exactly re-placing them
Took him one year, one day.
Somehow, although he would labour with pluckiness,
Also with likewise skill,
Owing to singular run-of -unluck-iness
Models would not keep still;
Even a titmouse alighting a-nigh of him
On an adjacent post,
Never would sit without winking the eye of him
More than a month at most.
Seasons, a-fleeting so rapidly, hurried him-
(Daily they seemed to flit)-
Having to fly to his memory worried him
Out of his mental wit;
Bushes and trees-it was dreadfully mean on 'em-
Puzzled and tried him so
Wondering how many leaves there had been on 'ems
Several years ago.
Just, you may say, as he'd finished it nicely, too
(Year or so more, outside !)-
Stepping back seven foot seven precisely, to
Gaze at his work with pride,
Every tree in surrounding adjacency-
(Those he had drawn of late)-
Said and remarked with the coolest complacency,
Furthermore begged to state:-
"Having extended the arms of us tiringly,
Equally would suggest,
While you're a-viewing that picture admiringly
How as we take a rest."
Similar, dropping rigidity's proppiness,
Suddenly down they sat,
Taking of poses of elegant floppiness
Easy 'uns, too, at that.
What's in a Name.
Ix a case just decided at Malton, the plaintiff, a jockey and trainer
named Rugg, gave evidence that in one race in which he rode, he
administered a bucket of water to a horse to prevent its winning ; on
another occasion he drew the nails from the horse's shoe ; and in a
third race, he stated he pulled" the horse according to instructions
received from the defendant whom he sued for 32 19s. for services
rendered. These are somewhat startling revelations, but the most
extraordinary part is the defence, which was, that there could be no
claim for riding horses, because the plaintiff was not a professional
jockey. We should have thought that anyone acting as the plaintiff
did could hardly be called a gentleman rider.
Medio tutissimus ibis.
What sign in printing weuld signify the act of passing between two
hostile armies during a battle P-An (a nasty risk).
"Why, I could finish" (he'd say), "and no sham it is,
Being so used to trees,
Any big picture in-barring calamities-
Twenty-five years, with ease."
Also, considering models delayed him so,
Anyone's senses teach
Painting of pictures but wretchedly paid him so;
Once he was gaily, with much well-directedness,
Painting an autumn day;
Leaves were a-lying with great uncollectedness
In an unnumbered way;
He was a-working with neatness and natty-tude
Carefully tracing out
In its unstudied yet sculptural attitude
Each of the leaves about:
All but the last as he'd finished with skilfulness,
Showing each stalk and vein,
Blest if the autumn, with worritting wilfulness,
Wouldn't return again;
Covering those he had lately been slaving at,
Recenter leaves would fall;
Then would the painter, his fortune a-raving at,
Have to re-paint 'em all!
Well, he'd been occupied many a year about
Doing a woodland nook;
Counting the twigs and the buds of 'em near about
Terrible pains he took;
Never of carefulness being a thrifty one,
Laudable so to do;
Seventeen million nine hundred and fifty-one
Thousand and sixty-two.
JULY 17, 1878.]
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL REPORTER AT BERLIN.
AT THE BUFFET, THE RtDZIWIL ,PALACE, JULY lTHa, 1878.
I WAS a true prophet when I predicted the speedy return of the
diplomatists to their native lains. Thlere was something in the jaunty
tread of the envoys, as they passed me with a pleasant nod on their
way to the'Congress 'Hall, thdt spoku, of ultimate success. Aye, sir,
even tlihe cheery creaking-of tieir shoes precluded the notion that theirs
was to be a, bootless ,mission, whijlst the decided leaning there was
towards the-end of the.-ittirg, to call only for sparkling wines pointed
plainly to -a satisfactory conclusion to theirtask.
It 'has #een curious 'throughout the Congress, in point of fact, to
watoh Wihat I may call'thewariations bf Ahe Liquidometer. I positively
could 1el1 from day to day, even without listening to the conversation
of 'the diplomats at my ^h.fet, what was the prevailing tendency of
events merely 'by marking what drinks were--in special demand. A
sun-onooldteaor icedilemonade, Itnotioed, invamikbly meant close and
serious debate, in whidehit was necessayforeveryrepresentative to be
as cool and guarded .as possible. ,'A.large consumption of aerated
waters %etokened two things ; finitlythat-the idiplomatists had been
banquetting the ,previous evening; and -secondly, that rhetorical
efforts were to 'be -essmyed rather -aan -real business. Anything
like -an abnormal thirst for lager inevitably ,preceded a sitting
of Iprposeless and -sleepy discussion.-ierding in.an early adjourn-
ment. I always knew, when theiri sincee ilp:esident gave personal
direct-isis 'for a 'big forum of milk -punch -or champagne cup to.
he preparedd, thiat th' Great :Powers had decidedd to "-do" one
of-the small 4tatea interested in their decisions. Thus the cession of
Bessearabia, the eeaunptior 6f, Bosnia, and the o rtailment of Servia's.
conquests, wereal-iitld-e.amonggstarrtaal congratulations and senti-
-anentadl-Aests. A'he-very.wold "toast," by theway, suggests being
"'do;lebrown',"'deeesit-ot ? and Roumania and.lhe other small states
rnust8fflly understand it does so ere this.
11BntItiatkling wines, :-as.I have said, always meant festivity arid
,llity,iist as still-,'ines implied stagnation and:Jack of progress;
arid iwen;I outnd- even- the Tuirish-.epresentatives treating their
seite,-'to'"shebet'"--4hey,;lways called for 'asherbet" when they
wantedWeue'/Ciquaot, iu. f-reepect4otbhPrpahetfand to save appear-
ances-I-felt- that the -findle was elee-aathand,;and began to. pack up
the corks, heeltaps,'wineglasses, grog-spoons,'lemon rind, and other
relics of my famous customers for transmission to this country.
I officiated finally vpFterday, and I am not ashamed to confess that
I wept as I flavoured Prince Gortschakoff's barley-water for the laat
time, and mixed the Armenian patriarch's rum-and-milk. Quite a
miBt-spread before my eyes, too, as I split the usual, soda forour Earl
uand tarquis, and my Lord Salisbury remarked in a to abnormally
affable for him, "Well, Herr Funmz,"-(they all callme Herr Funz,
except'the junior Servian Envoy-who has a hesitancy in his speech, and
addresses me as "F-f-funts ")-" and so we have' eome ,to an end of
our spirited policy at last, eh ?"
Yes, your lordship," returned I, pouring out the cognac into the
Earls: glass as I spoke from a nearly empty decanter, "and my spirits
are,tuite low-at the thought of it."
"'And yet,",put in my Lord Beaconsfield'-with.that cold, white
-characteristic smile of-:his, taking them at your contract prices, they
.were-high enough-in all, sdoth, Berr Funz! "
And-instead' of answering I stooped to wipe away a tear with the
,oorner obf my apron, touched anew to find the. Premier chatty and
pileasant-to the last.
The 'Italian representatives bade' adieu to me with all th, e warm
enthusiasm of sons of the Sunny South, and Signor Corti, whosewaggish
proclivities' I have already -mentioned, insisted on having one jingo "
with me'-before starting for home. After some-little discussion and a
great deal of gesticulation, I found he meant a "go of gin," or gin "go"
as he called it,, anidwhich it seems,. he thought, was our national drink.
I made M. 'Waddington smile 'amidst:his tears by wishing him ben
voyage to the landef his berth- for,,well, ashe was born in England, his
berth in France: is a-better one -still-and Count Schouvaloff who,
-Russianthough-he is, has ,taught me to brew beautiful tea, was not
happy till he had secured, 'at a fancy price, the corkscrew which I have
used throughout the Congress.
Speaking of relics, let meput you on your gnard against spurious
pairs of Gortschakoff's' goloshes, which are 'being offered for Eale on
all sides, thewtruth being that-he is far too gouty to-wear anything but
I had keptune last bottle of 'champagne toldrink to your good health,
sir, andmine, and it may .interest you to know that even as I-write
two Roumanian noblemen and a Bosniao chieftain are -warmly joining
in the toast to b'the best.of ltheir;gtsttural powers.
'In- conidasion, let me only say I have, I hope, madtFild nmiversally
respected at the ".bar ,bo Europe." In that hope I" 'hll -rt any rate
draw my increfsed=-alary with alight heart; though when I say that,
I of course only mean at any rate which will allow me to get some
advantage out of the Exchange.
A WILL AND A WEIGH.
THE Mr. John Woodley, who was con-
victed the 'other day of a systematic and
original description of fraud, appears to be
an ingenious and amusing sinner. His
little lay was beautifully simple. Having
to pay a certain toll upon a van-load of
goods, Mr. Woodley first had the waggon
weighed with the goods in it, and when
it was drawn empty on to the weigh-
bridge to ascertain the tare, he lay coiled
up in a hamper and was weighed with it.
It being objected to that Mr. Woodley's
weight should be included in the tare,
,he told a tare-a-diddle, and said he was
weighed with the wain when it came
in. The occupant of the hamper doesn't
appear to be hampered with overmuch
honesty, while it is clear that he had
made up his mind to evade payment of the
toll, and we all know that where there is
a will there is a weigh.
A 'Hackneyed 'Subject.
IT is stated that a Mr. Templar has
patented an instrument for registering
cab-fares by means of a disc which denotes
the distance travelled. We really cannot.
find words sufficiently laudatory to sing
the praises of this good, this very good
Templar, 'who 'ought to be Hansoirly re-
warded. Cabmen's fares have hitherto
been so obviously unfair that we hail this
discovery of' the diiseas a ,di(a)ijwct : boon
WATER Companies -are cautioned not to
treat their customers 'like horses--by
cutting-dff their mains !
DBinter (suspiloult) :--""AND Do YOU STICK TO THE TEETOTAL PRINCIPLES YOURSELF,
'WATTa P "
Waiter :-" IN BUSINESS, YES, SIR-ALWAYS, SIR! IN BUSINESS I AM SUBORDINATE TO MY
PRINCIPALS; BUT OUT OF BUSINESS,; SI, IT IS DIFFERENT-MY PRINCIPLES ARE SUBORDINATE
I I I 'I 'I III li11 ~l~ l y "^'^;'
i~aiB~ilttlBM~lliil, Nt ^
rJULY 17, 1878.
TO BEE, OR NOT TO BEE?
Mrs. A. :-"Now, MRS. B., will YOU COME AND SEE OUR APIARY F"
Mrs. B. (who has been putting it off all the 'afternoon):-" WELL, MRS. A., THE THING IS, YOU KNOW, I'M-I'M RATHER AFRAID OP
THE farewell performances of Mr. Sam Emery at the Princess's will
take place next month. Although these representations will be of a
polished, bright character, we very much doubt if there will be any
_Enmery paper about.
Astley's is advertised as The Summer Theatre." If the critics be
correct, the exhibition of Miss Weber as Mazeppa is indeed a cool per-
Mr. Southern says "he wants rest." We have no objection, but he
is going a roundabout way to obtain it. He is going to pay flying
visit to America.
Mr. D'Oyly Carte is going to build a theatre on the Thames Em-
bankment close to the Savoy. We expect the new edifice will be one
of the sites of London.
Mr. Flockton, who is to succeed Mr. Farren as Sir Geoffry Champ-
neys in Our Boys, is alluded to as "a sterling actor." We suppose
from this he gets plenty of coin.
It cannot be said that Mr. Terry is at home in every character he
undertakes. He is now playing the tourist in Geneva, and is con-
sequently somewhat abroad in this (to him) new part of the world.
At the Olympic Miss Rose Eytinge, an American actress of great
repute, makes her first appearance on the English stage as Nancy, in
a drama based on Dickens's Oliver Twist." Miss Eytinge shows
2 O 0 2/6. o. 1880. POSTALTLoonato PE." ToAne.
PATTERNS. eNTS.. WILL BU1T A.LL W. X.
.old ly all Sl.atlonero; in d..l,., and Oross Boxes. Send 7 starIsB for in
scorted sample box to John Heath, 70. Oenre-street, Iirmingham.
Sole Wholesale London Agents-N. J.POWELL & Co., 10. Whitechapel, E.
strong dramatic power, but it is questionable whether this drama is
not more suited to an East-end audience than to the frequenters of
Miss Glynn is giving a series of Shakspearian readings, the ex-
cellence and purity of which are well known. At each reading Miss
Stringfield recites a well-known poem; her voice is rich and clear,
and the evidence of culture is such as might be expected from the
benefit of such a teacher.
Mr. Odell is about to introduce what he calls a Club Concert, and
with such powerful aid as he has secured, coupled with his own
talent, the spec ought to prove a success.
Madame Tussaud and Sons, with their usual activity, have added a
group of the members of the Congress at Berlin, which will
doubtless prove a great attraction.
.Now Ready, the Thirty-fourth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-SEVENTH VOLUME ef the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth ,4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
EL- AU "RS'.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet Street, B.O.-London, July 17, 1878.
JULY 24, 1878.]
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY.
BY A CONFIRMED IDYLLER.
OU ask me why I have the air
Of one in whom some secret
W gAnd why I slouch my hat and wear
A cloak that reaches to my ancles;
And why I use my street-door key
With "bated breath" as though
And why I seem to take my tea
For some portentous hidden reason.
You gently hint there was a day
Your questions seldom met rejec-
And owce (you're good enough to say)
I rather seemed to court inspec-
You say no secret dimmed the brow
You call a passable possession,"
No thought (you say) obscured (as now)
My gently vacuous expression.
You ask me to explain, in fact,
The motives (which you fail in gleaning)
That make me do the simplest act
With smiles of concentrated meaning.
Then learn I've been to see the play;
I love Olivia madly-very-
And all my being since that day
Is permeated with Miss TERRY I *
Ex Nihilo Nihil fit.
IT appears that Dr. Nobiling, the attempted assassin of the Emperor
William, belonged to a certain Russian sect denominated Nihilists.
This of course clearly accounts for his desire to annihilate the venerable
Monarch. As nothing has come, happily, of the base attempt, it
weuld appear in fact that ex nihilist nihil fit; which freely translated
means that no good ean be expected of a Nihilist. We are afraid
those Nihilists will come to no good.
A Good Get Vp.
AN electrical invention, exhibited in the Paris Exhibition, for call-
ing servants is said to be very ingenious. We think if a machine
could be constructed that would make servants get up when called,
it would undoubtedly answer.
Mystery Oh, impossible, it cannot be-and yet-.-ED. Fu .
A Persianal Matter.
THE Shah of Persia has disputed his little bill at Fontainebleau,
which contained the following items :-" 1,500f. for flowers, 60f. for a
melon, and 5f. for a cigar," &c. Frankly, these charges were exor-
bitant, and we are not surprised that he considered himself a Persian
who had not received his Meed; besides, as His Majesty travelled
" incog," it is but natural that he should object to be made so
lady (who has received character of servant by post, and asked servant
to call and see her):-" Well, I think on the whole I am satisfied
with your character; you seem to be honest and respectable."
8ervant:-"Yes, mam, I haves an honest principal, mam-
cleanliness is my delight, with respectability blended."
DOTS BY THE WAY.
"We tave brnueht you back peace."-Zord Eeaconsfield's
mi n2 J0- 16 187.
speech. to the
I AIL now, sweet Peace!
stretch out thy snowy
With rapid flight fly all
the wide world o'er,
Let thy sweet voice with
joyous tidings sing,
That thou art ruler of the world once
From every tower 'ring out the merry
Let beacons blaze from every lofty
Let banners wave for this glad news
How thy sweet voice all human hearts
In token send the olive-branch abroad-
Send tender words and messages of
Dry now the tears-Remove the weary
That grief around the bleeding heart
"t For, woe is me a fierce
Has waged too long and loud upon the world,
And widow made of many a happy wife,
And all the joy from many homes been hurled.
The fertile fields laid waste and trodden down,
The hamlets now in smoking ruins lie,
Where erewhile plenty, see cold famine's frown,
And maid and mother terror-stricken fly.
But now thy coming changes all the scene,
For this cold night of darkness, fierce ap.d wild,
Comes sunny gladness with its golden sheen,
Comes greeting laughter, happy as a child.
The bugle's blast, the deadly cannon's roar,
The clash of arms and savage shout shall cease,
And all the clang of war be heard no more
For thou art come to reign, sweet loving Peace!
Now young and old with merry hearts shall dwell,
The pipe and tabor sound their simple strain,
Full plenty teeming from the earth shall tell
That thou art come to claim thy own again.
Let now once more the stalwart and the strong
Renounce the cannon and the fiery sword,
That they may listen to thy silvery song,
And laud thee as their chieftain and their lord.
Let all the budding earth look bright and glad,
The meadows like a flowery garden bloom,
The mountain slope, with rich green verdure clad,
With purple heather and with yellow broom.
Let thy glad spirit rule the mighty throng!
Let every nation now its mirth bells ring,
Let all men sing the ever-joyous song
That shepherds heard the herald angels sing.
And flocks and herds shall join the song of praise,
Full hearts shall sing of triumph and renown,
For with thy coming come bright halcyon days,
And on thy brow shall rest the laurel crown!
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
MY ATTIC, BOULOGNE.
DEAR, HONOURED, AND RESPECTED EDITOR.-I am sure, sir, one
possessing such tenderness of heart as 3 ourself will be glad to hear that
I have escaped from my unpleasant predicament at Henley. I did
think at one time that the natural kindness which distinguishes you,
sir, and endears you to all your contributors (and to none more than
[JSTY 24, 1878.
to poor old well-meaning Trophonius) would have led you yourself to
extricate me. But it was only one more added to the long list of my
mistakes. I had forgotten for the moment the many admirable
qualities you possess which render you in constant demand in the
glittering circles of fashion in the evening, no less than in those
of literature during the day, leaving you no time for the wants and
woes of an insignificant sporting contributor. I had forgotten it
for the moment under the weight of misfortune, but I have never
been guilty of such a dereliction before; indeed, my loudly-
expressed and intense admiration of your administrative genius as an
Editor, as well as your magnificent proportions and manly beauty, to
say nothing of your condescending affability to the meanest of your
contributors (by which I beg humbly to indicate myself), has rend red
me subject to constant raillery from the whole circle of my acquaint-
I will not harrow your feelings or waste your time with a description
of the manner of my escape. Where I cannot praise I prefer to
remain silent; and the liberality of the representatives of the House
of Lombardy in Henley, being conspicuous by its absence, offers
small scope for praise, nor could I infuse much romantic
attraction into the details of a long walk from Henley to Lon-
don in the simple costume of trousers, shirt, and sockless boots.
Enough, sir, that I reached the metropolis in that guise-
minus the boots, which the pangs of thirst compelled me
to "part with" on arriving at the outskirts of town. Entering
the office of this paper-where my unusually airy costume created some
little surprise, until I explained it by referring to the heat of the
weather when, with the andeviating politeness of all connected with
this journal, your cashier and office-boy expressed themselves quite
satisfied-I procured the small sum lying to my credit (which more
than represents the value of my work, I'm sure), and, after recruiting
and rehabilitating, started that night for this spot. What a scene
awaited my arrival! True it is, sir, misfortunes never come singly."
They always come marriedly," and bring their wives and a whole
troop of children. My iniquitous agent had absconded, not only with
all the money for tips which had arrived in my absence-an immense
sum, on the strength of which I borrowed an extra half-crown of
your office-boy-but with everything he could lay his hands upon,
including all the back numbers of The Cry from the Cave. This last
blow has quite knocked me over, sir. I am regularly broken down.
My hollow eyes and shaking hands are witnesses of my despair, and
not the result of drink as many people suppose pardonablyy enough,
for my vicious habits are but too well known). I have endeavoured
to express my feelings somewhat in the following Lament.
THE LAMENT OF TROPHONIUS.
Oh great is the woe of the prophet Trophonius,
And fierce is his curse on that agent felonious !
Oh, deep are the groans that proceed from the attic
Where moonlight tints sadly the face of the bard,
Oh, harsh are the expletives, stern and emphatic,
In which he declares it is dreadfully hard.
Oh, sadly he murmurs, "1 he season advances,
The jockeys less frequently flourish their whips,
And every moment decreases the chances
Of anyone wanting prophetical tips."
There's nothing remains but to helplessly languish;
The prophet is penniless-prospectless-down,
And feels with the pangs of a torturing anguish,
That innocent office-boy's lost his half-crown!
I remain, dear and respected sir, in utter misery, yours, &c.,
P.S.-Perhaps, taking into account mypresent heartrending circum-
stances, you will reconsider your decision as to my dismissal; the
wild delight of working under so extraordinarily talented a person as
yourself has so saturated me with an exultant pride that perhaps I
have overstepped the bounds now and then in my exuberant spirits,
but it has only been my fun, sir, and never intended to hurt your
feelings, I'm sure. If you will only give me another chance I
promise to adopt a different style in future. True, as you say, I am
not much of a prophet, but I think I'm as good as any other and
about as often correct. Do think of it.* Meantime may I presume
to suggest Attalus as a good thing for the Leger ?
Verse and Verse.
A GRAND fete of French poets is arranged to take place in Paris en
the last Sunday in August. They manage these things better in
France. The fate of most English poets is anything but grand.
The tone of this letter, although a trifle fulsome, is much preferable to that
usually adopted by our Correspondent, he may continue to write until 'further
notice, but let him be careful-ED. FUN.
JULY 24, 1878.] FUN. 33
ODD ITEMS. the number of dirty children running about the streets, and throwing
mu l at people!
MR. 'B. LEEVER. Oh, yes; their parents turned out so vicious that
A G B E A TG TIR I U M P H. the School Board gave up trying to make them send their children to
".-BEFOREBTHE TRIUMPH. t school-too much trouble, so the School Board did not alter that.
MR. RonB.*IKVER. What dozens of, dirty children there are run- Ma. R. Z. And what an increase there is in the number of boys
ninE about the streets, and throwing mud at people that are taken up every day for stealing, and attempting to overturn
MR. B. LEEVER. Oh, yes; their parents are vicious, and won't trains, and other climes!
send them to the ragged school; but the School Board will alter all MR. B. L. Oh, yes; the School Board didn't care to look after
that when it's once fairly established, them either-too much trouble; so the School Board didn't, &c., &c.
Ma. R. Z. And what dozens of boys are taken up every day for Ma. R. Z. And what a tremendous increase there is in the number
stealing, and attempting to overturn trains, and other crimes! of stupid children who are unable to learn, and turn out idiots!
MR. B. L. Oh, yes; they have nobody to look after them, and run MR. B. L. Oh, yes; the School Board didn't care to take them in
wild; but the School Board will alter all that when it's once fairly hand because it wou)d not be likely to get the grant for them; so the
established. School Board didn't, &c., &c.
MR. R. Z. And what dozens of stupid children there are, who do MB. R. Z. But the ragged and charity schools used to do some
not seem to be able to learn, and turn out idiots good work- .
M B. L. Oh, yes; that is because there is no one to take them MR. B. L. Oh, yes; but the School Board has pushed them out
effectively in hand; but the School Board, &c., &e. of existence; you see the School Board did alter that!
Ma. R. Z. The ragged schools and the charity schools seem to do MR. R. Z. Umrn yes. And how's your little boy, who promised to
some good work, but I suppose there are too many children for them turn out a bright man ?
to deal with them all ? MR. B. L. Oh-a-well, he was very delicate. You see, I intended
MR. B. L. Yes; but the School Board, &c., &c. him to begin his studies at seven, but theSchool Board caught him at
MR. R. Z. Your little boy seems to promise to turn out a bright five and softened his brain in six months.
man; I suppose you will be sending him to school soon ? Mr. R. Z. Oh, dear. You intended him to go to the University, I
Ma. B. L. Well, he's only five years old as yet; so I don't wish think ?
to bother him too soon, as he is.rather delicate; I intend to send him MR. B. L. Yes, but he's going to Earlswood instead now.
to Eton, and then to the University. I mean him for the law. It is
not many who find it easy to shine in the law now; but the School WHY is the priest when he catechizes the children in Church the
Board, &c., &c. funniest fellow in the building ?-Because he is the querist.
II.-AFTER THE TRIUMPH. ABEL, in Hebrew, means vanity; and a belle, in English, has much
Ma. RoB. ZERVER (ten years after). What an increase there is in the same signification.
GLOVES AND LOVES.
THE salon is entered, and I,
With gloves of the Water of Nile,"
Attention am focusing by
Myje-ne-sais-quoi sort of style.
But meeting a feminine friend
Of average beauty above,
As gaily my hand I extend-
I've split up my wretched kid glove !
Scarce knowing whatever to do,
Escaping, I hide on the stairs,
And bitterly, bitterly rue
Forgetting to carry two pairs.
One cannot, this hour of the night,
Procure them for money or love.
There clenching my digits too tight-
I've split up my other kid glove !
A pair I might borrow of Brown,
But then I'm unwilling to try,
'Twould be such an awful let-down
For one so exclusive as I.
Yet back in the room I shall meet
With physical frowns, moral shoves;
Get snubbed till I beat a retreat-
Because I have split up my gloves!
Who's that in the corner with Flo ?
That good-looking fellow De Jones !
He's breathing soft nothings, I know,-
His looks are reflecting his tones.
And she, if he happen to pop,
May accept when he tells her he loves;
Which I am unable to stop-
Because I have split up my gloves !
There's Jenkins, a fellow I hate,
A man whom I cannot endure ;
Eh who is that with him ? Why, Kate !
Her hand is in his, I am sure.
His gloves, though appalling their size
(They rival the colour of doves),
Are holding a palm that I prize,-
But there! I have split up my gloves !
Well, here I shall have to remain,
All chance of my dancing has fled ;
And waiting the earliest train,
I think I shall go up to bed.
I'm cut out of Katie and Flo,
So throw off all thoughts of my loves ;
As up to my bedroom I go
I throw off my pair of split gloves !
Tourist (who wishes to make a diversion from the track) :-" How FAR is IT
FROM HERE TO BALLINAGAR "
Irishman:-" SHURE BY THE PEAT Mooa, IT'S MIVER A STEP LESS THAN
4 MILES THERE AND ABOUT 62 MILES BACK."
34 FUT T. [JULY 24, 1878.
THE COMPLETE BUILDER -(BY ONE WHO HAS BEEN A TENANT.)
Ne. 6 -STAIRCASES.
4. Until that guest sticks in a narrow gorge, never to extricate again.
2. Up goes the guest. For the first flight all is safe and easy.
8. But soon the ascent becomes more rugged and stc p, and the ceiling lower. /
1- ,t,,-i t i g b r4op'.e!1 / o
1. Such pleasantry to be had out of Ataioca.es, too I "Good night, old boy," sobs 6. As for the servant, her easiest way is to swing herself on a rope down to
the tenant to his guest. Mind the si airs; may you come down again 1," the kitchen, tray and si She may alight saerely thus. a
FIJIN .-TULY 24, 1878. j
BERLIN TREATY WITH ANGLO-TURKISH STUFFING.
Dizzy, the Waiter :-" I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, SIR ?"
Mr. Bull :-" H'M, PRETTY WELL. IT MIGHT BE BETTER, AND IT MIGHT BE WORSE."
-Dizzy :--" YES, SIR; CERTAINLY, SIR; AND I HOPE YOU'LL REMEMBER THE WAITER, SIR.'
JULY 24, 1878.]
THE MODEL ,STAFF.
OH, the Editor's form was a-wasting away
For he hadn't an atom of rest in the day ;
Oh, the Editor's features were pallid and white,
For he hadn't a bit of repose in the night.
The cause of his mentally wearing to bones
Was Waggleton, Baggleton, Juggins, and Jones
The wilfullest customers under the sun;
And daily contributors every one.
The Editor's lines" they were other than gay
With each of 'em pulling a different way-
Not each of his lines (as you'd gather, perhaps),
But each of the wicked contributor chaps.
That Editor's paper, without any stint
Was meant as a strictly Conservative print;
But Waggleton, utterly blind to his frown,
Went daily a-writing the Government down!
The Editor's rule for dramatical crit.
Was "Flattering eulogy, every bit,"
And dreadfully, daily, his spirits were dashed
As Baggleton bitterly slated and slashed.
To Juggins the Editor often enough
Said, "Here are some people I want you to puff,
Disguising the puff in your copy's contents
To look like a comment on passing events."
For fully the Editor knew that thead-
Vertisers he puffed would be grateful and glad,
And wouldn't consider it wanting in thrift
To forward a little acknowledging gift.
But, wholly ignoring the Editor's list,
That Juggins could never be got to desist
From puffing away on his own little hook,
And quite a collection of presents he took.
The Editor once in the course of his work
Had met with a party who'd talked to a Turk,
So he-not to mention political views-
Was always pro-Turkish in publishing news.
But Jones, by a chance, was possessed of a far
And distant relation who liked Caviare;
The Editor thus, in his journalist work
Could never persuade him to favour the Turks
Oh, world of affliction the Editor said ;
"How sweet to be peacefully buried and dead I
Oh, why do contributors poison my days
By pulling persistently different ways ?
"Oh, give me a staff," he continued to groan,
"With minds that exactly resemble my own,
With strictly identical leanings, and views,
And cunning perception in rendering news.
Oh, give me the staff I have seen in a dream,
Who hold my opinions on every theme,
Whose daily productions, with cleverness fraught,
Exactly re-echo my every thought."
No more did his sanctum resound to the tones
Of Waggleton, Baggleton, Juggins or Jones ;
The very next morning a party of four
New writers appeared at the Editor's door.
"You needn't instruct us I they shouted as one,
"We're fully aware of the task to be done ;"
0 The Editor smothered a satisfied smirk
As each of 'em went to his separate work.
"No staff to instruct! What a blessed release!"
He said; I can work at my leader in peace."
He finished his copy, and then up the stairs
Came trooping his newly-found writers, with theirs.
As, each in its turn, their productions were read,
The Editor glared with his hands to his head,
For, letter for letter, beginning to end,
All four were the same as the leader he'd penned.
Each day the phenomenon happened again,
Each flashing conception that came to his brain,
Each weighty deduction, each humorous quip,
Each sentiment worthy of editorship,
Each partisan argument grandly profound
And utterly lacking in adequate ground,
Each flicker of caustic political chaff-
Appeared in the copy of each of his staff.
He'd write on occasions some elegant, terse,
Refinedly-rhythmic society verse;
But, lor, when the time for inserting it came,
All four of his writers had written the same!
'Twas not that they copied so much as a word,
'Twas simply that similar notions occurred
To minds of precisely identical tone,
In every possible way, with his own.
No more did his staff of contributors raise
His anger by pulling in different ways,
Nor ever did any perceptible hint
Of clashing opinions appear in the print.
One little defect had the journal alone-
It had a distinctly monotonous tone;
But, seeing each article printed enjoy'd
Four mortal repeats, this was hard to avoid.
How vainly and long did the Editor pray
Those writers to leave him to go on his way;
In vain his attaching the pay of the lot,
And swearing they copied-they minded it not.
The sale of the paper grew dreadfully bad;
The Editor," people repeated, is mad "
The sale of the paper went down like a stone,
The Editor buying a copy, alone!
The Editor, smiting his breast with a thump,
In rage and in agony, woke with a jump:-
Oh, bring me," he sobbed, in affectionate tones,
My Waggleton, Baggleton, Juggins, and Jones!"
A Dramatic Note.
LADIES and Gentlemen! said the Premier, on Tuesday, "Lord
Salisbury and I have brought you back a peace which I hope will be a
lasting one." It is no secret in politico-theatrical circles that the
piece alluded to by his lordship is "The Berlin Treaty," a drama
lately rehearsed at the German capital with great care. It was
adapted, it seems, originally from an idea contained in a Russian farce
called "San Stefano," but the adaptators have so altered the piece in
construction that its origin is scarcely perceptible at times. It was
played for the first time at the St. Stephen's Theatre Royal on Thurs-
day last, but it may be remembered that an imperfect version of a
somewhat similar piece was produced some weeks since by the Globe
company. We need hardly add that we heartily join with Lord
Beaconsfield in wishing that the Berlin Treaty may have a long and
uninterrupted run on the European stage.
Copped for Copping a Copy.
THREE was not a tittle of evidence which could convict Mr. Marvin,
the F.O. writer, of larceny, and he was discharged on Tuesday last.
It was a pity his prosecution was ever commenced, for the only real
point against him was that hb copied the Anglo-Russian Agreement
with a steal" pen. The statement that he was formerly in a convey-
ancer's office was not true.
THE opera season at Her Majesty's concluded the other day with
the Carmen. We suppose the carmen were brought into the house on
this occasion to pack up and remove the properties, &c. The Carmen
were succeeded by the c(h)arwomen, and they all had a Bizet time of
An OPEN QuEsrTox.-Are Lancashire operatives accustomed to
Cissy :-" PA'S GOING TO BRING US HOME SOMETHING TO-NIGHT; I WON-
DER WHAT IT WILL BE."
Tommy :-" YEB, BUT SUPPOSE HE DOESN'T SEE ANYTHING."
Cissy:-" On, THEN HE WILL BRING SOMETHING ELSE, OF COURSE."
Your'e hid I see still."
THE attempts to raise the Eurydice continues under
the direction of Admiral Foley. It is a mistake to say,
however, that the endeavours so far have "Feley"
failed. To Eay they have "Foley" succeeded is also
inaccurate. But why, oh, why, does not Mr. W. B.
Smith send for H.M.S. Lyse and play upon our
Eurydice's feelings as Orpheus once did on his ?
A real good Harry-er.
WIMBLEDON has distinctly shown that the best rifle to
"harry" an enemy's forces with is the Martini-
" Henry." In point of fact it would prove such a
"harry-er" that it might be included amongst the
"dogs of war."
A PEN is like a candle, useless unless it is (s)lit.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL REPORTER RECEIVES THE How could it be otherwise, indeed, when I saw the great man. for
PRID whom I had opened so many big bottles of apollinaris in the land of the
PREMIER. alien, safe on his native heath again, and trying to talk to the Lady
DOWNiNG-STRET, Tuesday Night. Burdett Coutts, the Duke of Northumberland, Mr. Henry Chaplin,
HoNouns have fallen thick upon your Extra Special, sir, since he last and the Lord Mayor at one and the same time! Contain my feelings
wrote; and though he does not at present send you his copy" on I couldn't and didn't, and if the earl had not gone off when he did in
baronial note-paper, yet he is so sure that some exceptional mark of his carriage with the Maiquis of Salisbury, I should have jumped on
the premier's favour awaits him that he has already advertised in the the engine and made a little speech, I know I should, and just told the
Exchange and Mrt for a second-hand coronet, crowd how I had seen our wonderful Premier getting Count Schou-
Yes, sir, to resume the first person, I have had what the Yankees call valoff into a corner argumentativelyy, I mean) time after time, when
" a high old time of it since I left Berlin three days ago, permitted, they stood drmking cold tea in tumblers at my buffet ; and how Prince
by the premier's great consideration, to travel, hamper and all, in the Bismarck had once whispered to me something highly complimentary
same train with him to Calais. I also crossed with him from that about him in Low German, which I, unfortunately, did not understand.
port, and it was I who, after an interval of keen suspense on the As it was, however, I worked off my feelings a little by offering the
paddle-box, bore the news to our illustrious plenipotentiary that American, who had cut off my tail buttons, a piece of the Premier's
England was in sight. Most eminently gracious and characteristic was blotting-paper and two corks drawn specially on his account; then I
his lordship's reply. "So I should think!" were his exact words ; rushed wildly after the carriages, determined to see Lord Beaconsfield
words that, methinks, will become historical, and be handed down to to his own front door.
posterity with the, Up, Guards, and at 'em! of the Iron Duke, and Ah, sir, what a sight was that which met the premier's eyes and
the, Kiss me, Hardy, I'm wounded !" of the hero of Trafalgar. mine! From Charing-cross to Cockspur-street stretched a sea of
Being an Extra Special," the least I c uld do was to ride on the heads-to which the wavy hat-brims supplied the waves-and from
buffer of the engine between Dover and Charing-cross, at which latter which burst a loud roar of welcome as the foremost carriage came into
place I was able, thanks to my favourable position, to slip nimbly off, sight. That was fame if you like, sir; and, even if you do not like, I
and to actually join the distinguished company in welcoming home fear, with all deference, it was fame all the same ; and as Ilooked over
Lord Beaconsfield. In fact, two short-sighted dukes and the junior the back of the carriage to which I was clinging so as to catch Lord
sheriff, near whom I alighted, took me for the earl himself, and Beaconsfield's expression, I am nearly sure I saw his lips quiver with
wrung my hand, whilst an eager American spectator rushed up and pleasurable emotion. And no wonder either; for as I glanced up at
deftly cut off my coat-tail buttons as relics before I could explain. Admiral Lord Nelson, it seemed to me that I saw a tear swimming
Ere I could do so, indeed, the train had stopped, and the sphinx-like even in that stony veteran's eye; whilst Charles the First's charger
face of the premier lighted up with pleasure as he stepped from his appeared to me to distinctly curvet as the Prime Minister went by.
saloon-carriage into the midst of a crowd of his dearest friends, whilst It was an incessant roll of cheering all the way ; and I felt proud to
cheers-the time being taken from me-rent the air, and very nearly be hanging on, even in a whip behind suggesting kind of attitude,
split up a big flag as well. When I was not leading the cheers I was to a carriage in a precession that is fated to be historical. Per-
beaming, and when I was not beaming I was leading the cheers. sonally, though, I was not sorry when we turned into Downing-
38 [F J [JULY 24, 1878.
THE PAST. '
S' How swift recollection will oft
S' Embitter the thoughts of the Past!
S, ., When I was so foolishly soft,
'' I And fancied affection would last,
S' I built up my life on a sham-
\ ,; ":, '." ,' ...". 'li'o r c w e Ia,...' On Love that could never get cool!
How could I have been such a Fool?]
"__ ''.I dreamt that I had but to let
My words take a rhythmical flow,
IL The fame that I never shall knew !
I thought, in my juvenile way,
The pen was the mightiest tool
S. To make me the man of the day "!
S1IHow could I have been such a Foed?
But hopes, although some may be fled,
Still spring in the credulous breast,
To be, like the others, soon dead-
Entombed in the Past with the reat
And so I shall ever remain,
Untaught in Adversity's school;
i I I ,',And say yet again and again,
S' N' \ How could I have been such a Fool ?
JULY 24, 1878.] F U N 39
street, where a fresh demonstration awaited Lord B., though neither
here nor elsewhere en route had a band been stationed, a decided
omission for which my own well-meant performance of See the con-
quering hero comes!" on the ocarina could, unfortunately, but
partially make up. He heard my little lay, however, and smiled his
thanks, though I was shaky with my high notes; and that is enough.
The crowd in Downing-street would not disperse until Lord
Beaconsfield had shown himself at a window-it must have been a
paneful effort after his long journey-and said a few words which I
did not take down, as I was engaged just then in taking up the carpet-
bagful of addresses our premier had received since leaving Calais.
I have had no chance of pressing my claims as an organiser of
something or another in Cyprus-barrel-organs, if there is nothing
else left unorganised-to -night. That I shall leave for the island ere
the week is out though, you may take for granted; and I hop e I may
take my Government appointment as being the same.
THE production at Liverpool of Ready Money Mortiboy is very highly
spoken of. We presume the merit consists in its novel construction.
We thought that Lord Dundreary was a character that would never
get worn out, but so it would appear to be, otherwise why should
Mr. Sothem talk of reviving it.
Miss Wallis has engaged Miss Ethel Hope to support her in the
provinces. We should have thought the support most essential was
that of the British public, but suppose she is pretty sure of that; at
any rate, she is not without Hope.
A French actor named Mang6, while performing Gaspard in Les
Cloches de Corneville last Wednesday, had a diamond ring thrown at
him. His acting is unquestionably of the brilliant order.
It is rumoured that an autobiography of Charles Mathews will
shortly be published, which suggests that the work in question may
be somewhat of a naughty biography.
From Beau Street.
THE worthy Chief magistrate at Bow Street indulged the other day
in compliments, which, if emanating from one of his colleagues, might
be justly termed Flowery. In the present case perhaps it may be
more correct to say that Sir James Ingham, while sitting at Bow
Street; played the beau. The fair object of his worship's gallanty,
it appears, was a lady named Weldon, who, making some application
to the Court, took it exceedingly ill that certain malign persons mis-
understood and aspersed her. Sir James kindly recommended her to
send her photograph to the disaffected parties, a hint that we are told
the lady took with a smile, and retired. We can only add, by way of
comment, that Sir James's compliment was excellently well done; in
fact quite beau-street-iful.
A Tip for the Horse Guards.
To order our regimental bands to play off any troops that may be
ordered to Cyprus with Partant pour la 8yrie ? The N.E. corner
of Cyprus being but 60 miles from Syria, this tune will do very well
till some one composes a Cyprus march.
Tr is stated by a trade paper that 147,000,000 bottles of champagne
were exported from France between 1867 and 1877, from the cultivation
of more than 4,800,000 acres of grapes. We should like to see the
statistics of how many headachers this represents. It is wonderful
where the juice it all goes to.
| ?AT this season of the year, when we are all thinking of going out
of town, Mr. FuN begs to remark that there is a place for everybody
and as he is a great believer in everybody being in his right place,
begs to suggest that-
The best place for Military men is Battre.
,, the Great Unwashed is Bath.
Billiard players is Pool.
,, ,, Milkmen is Chalk Farm.
,, Bad paymasters is Andover.
,, Politicians is St. Stephen's.
,, Dressmakers is Brading.
*, ">o. Cabdrivers is Ply-mouth.
,, ,, *-'l t'd0 play"to as;p?.
.one and Lord Beie6nnia, lor if -the' former getleman is disestab-
lished, is not the latter -iz established also ?
PWWHAT is the difference between a clergyman and a brandy
d&tiller ?-One brings forth the fruits of .the ~irit and the otherthe'
spirit of 'the fruit.,, ; .
BRowN packs a Gladstone" bag. There enters JiNES.
BRowN. Jinks, you are well arrived. Good Jinks, well met;
I purpose starting for a country house
To sojourn with some friends, most genial folk
Of very boundless hospitality,
And, being free to take a friend with me,
I pray you come; I know you for a man
Whom truly one were proud to introduce;
A man of great respectability,
Of purest morals, of esthetic tastes,
Of polished manners, fine accomplishments;
There is no circle which you would not grace !
And fui other there are three fair daughters there
And two fair cousins, with a host of friends,
All fair; and many genial fellows too.
JnKxs. I feel I am indeed as you describe-
(Although I do protest you flatter me)-
Oh, I will come with pleasure; let me go
And get my luggage ready. (He goes
BRowN. I inwardly confess that I am proud
To air my friendship with so fine a fellow;
The presence of so talented a friend
Reflects a sort of radiance on oneself.
(Then JINxs returns; together they proceed
To seek the hospitable country house ;
And there they stay one month ; and then they take
The homeward train ; and then again they talk.)
JnKs. Oh, faithless friend! Oh, chum confided in,
Yet so ungenerous A lively thing
To bear me to your precious country house !
Why as to hospitality, your friends,
I could but notice, from the very first
Resented my intrusion. They would point
The finger and would whisper as I went;
Then, if by any chance I spoke a word
To one of those fair daughters of the house,
Her mother in a trice would bustle in
With scowling brows, and drag her from my presence,
As for the two fair cousins and their friends,
If they should spy me half a mile away
Their lips would curl in scorn, with glassy eye
Ignoring my existence, they would pass;
The fathers of these girls would cut me dead,
And talk about me with an angry growl
In corners ; all the guests possessing wives
Would drag them off whenever I approached,
And mutter menaces; my chair at dinner
Was placed some feet away from all the rest,
And either side of me there always sat
A gentleman, who, when he caught my eye
(In common with the other gentlemen),
Would quickly lay his hands across his breast,
As if to shield his purity from me !
Pray tell me why was I avoided thus P
Have you-has any man-been whispering
Foul tales of groundless slander in their ears,
And setting them against me?
BROWN. Gracious heavens !
Not I, at any rate! Why, bless my soul,
I never spoke of you except in praise ;
In fact, my tongue was eloquent concerning
Your fine accomplishments and perfect taste;
I even went so far-(Let me confess
I have a foolish yearning to be known
As one in daily intercourse with lords)-
I even went so far, when writing them
To tell them you were coming, as to give
Your name as Lord de Jinks."
JmsS. Then THIS, indeed,
Accounts at once for their avoiding me ;
And this is why they came and dragged away
Their wives and daughters when I spoke. to them!
I do not blame them-they are decent folks !
T om ether Sunday, during a thunderstorm, says the newspaper,
"a panic was caused among the congregation of St. John's, isie-
house, _by a great volume of water suddenly bursting through the
roof.. It poured over the gallery and deluged the are& of the aiurch.
. '.".. The rector, the Rev. Mr. Charlesworth, at onoe-atpped.'
the sfrriec." Tdined off tie-water at the main ofmcorse ;
GOING TO THE CAPE. A RUN ON SHORE A
Jack :-" STAR-R-BOOARD! BILL, YER POOL, WHAT DYER WANT TO RUN ATH
Bill:-"CARNT 'ELP IT, JACK. WHO'S TO STEER BY THE HEAD "
Jack :-" KETCH HOLD OF 'ER HELLIM, AN' 'SLEW ER ROUND."
COUNSEL FOR COUNTRY COUSINS, Rag Fair, which all visi
LONDON is famed for the deliciousness of its climate. A few Paternoster-row is the e
fastidious residents may object to its occasional fogs; but if a stranger, In passing through Cha
in one of the densest of them, will endeavour to make his way on foot his purse. The neighbour
from Battersea-park to Bow-common, the pleasurable excitement he If our stranger be an
will experience will far more than repay him for his trouble. salmon for a small price, l
As the population varies from day to day, it would be absurd to mongers' Hall. There is
give precise figures here. Should the stranger, however, happen to be there than at Billingsgate.
in the neighbourhood of Capel-court during business hours, let him The urn on the top of th
step into the Stock Exchange, and ask the first person he meets there, great fire broke out.
" What is the exact number of the inhabitants of the metropolis, In Pall Mall stands the:
according to the last advices F" He will receive a prompt reply. In what was once called
The first and most natural action of a stranger upon his first visit to seen a very interesting eat
London is to lose his way. Let us strongly urge him not to solicit Tempera mutantur. It
direction from a policeman. On the other hand let him apply to a that wild oats are sown in
cabman, and, first assuring the honest fellow that he does not wish to When you go to Crosby
trouble him to drive him, ask the nearest route to the point he desires
to reach. Under these circumstances, all the cabmen on the stand
will readily volunteer advice, but, perhaps, the stranger may find a Sic E
multiplicity of counsel bewildering. A MEDICAL contemporary
The social centre of modern London is Petticoat-lane. On Sunday of eating too much and ex
mornings the stranger will find it thronged with the rank and fashion can be produced by walkiz
of the East-end. least, such is the opinion o
Lambeth, lying low, and so possessing great facilities for the laying
on of water, is the favourite resort of hydropathic patients. How to make you
( adhu.p Cocoa Blocks below show the proportion of nitrogenlou
Essc bg osti ntsach 100 parts of various kinds of
olutel genuine, Cocoa. ah Cadhury'sCooa Fospnce.
a g pns erfy the by the r oral f Pea rl and Co ei
pa sblnepfseeth sotw A, a I ben te e sperfie other retailed at
the if ch-pmuni. Naoihe Wheat Ilo 8ov a du re about ai. 4d.
aSo Oeld f fond d~rot Ins -7 THE AMOU.T abou t 8sd. er b.
51. and is. ING CONSTI.
Puu miand S" Fin TUENTS thau.
s Juary Paris5 Depo :-, Vanbourg hi. Ho.ore.
rwae of lamitattens.I
[JULY 24, 1878.
WART MY BOWS FOR I"
tors from the country wish to see, is held in
greatt mart for waste paper.
ncery-lane, the stranger should look well to
rhood is chiefly inhabited by pickpockets.
economical epicure, bent on getting a big
et him rise early and wend his way to Fish-
less chance of the market being forestalled
Ie monument marks the exact spot where the
handsome publishing office of the Athenaum.'
I Crockford's, in St. James's-street, may be
may astonish the country visitor to learn
what used to be the Haymarket.
Hall you Cross by "3 Bihopsgate."
unt Fata Hominum.
y asserts that sick headache is the result
ercising too little ;" but we believe that it
ig about all day and eating nothing. At
f a funny beggar.
r roof waterproof.-Try ceiling wax!
C. BRANDAUER & CO.'S Newregistered "prea
Series" of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Station for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and ,
select the pattern best suited to your hand.
Ikitstb byr JUDD & 00., Thamis Works, St. hAdzoWs MU, Do~tSU Ossmoms. and Published f, (ithe PROPkWeNx) At 161, VoSet Streeti 30O.-London, July 24.,18M6
JULY 31, 1878.] F T N 41
'IN 'DOUBT,' NOT 'FEAR.'"
Squire:-" YOU'D BETTER NOT GO TO THE FAIR, PAT. MICKY FLYNN DOWN THERE SWEARS HE'LL KILL YE "
-at :-" AND HAD HE BEGUN FIGHTING' OF ME BEFORE YE LEFT, SOR?"
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY. ART AND ATMOSPHERE.
Br A CONFIRMED IDYLLER. THE Lancet has discovered that the atmosphere of Burlington House
No. BEis thoroughly vitiated, and in the vicinity of the refreshment-rooms
No. V.-" FOLLY'S BELL(E). absolutely poisonous. Conscientious toilers with catalogues who have
/P NCE my career was a subject spent an aesthetic day in Piccadilly must be sometimes puzzled to
for gravity account for the normal after-dinner dyspepsia. The secret is now
(Folly has, ever, so much that divulged. It is the Academy Malaria that does the mischief. But in
attracts), Academical affairs, as we all know, no sooner is a grievance aired than
P'r'aps you will better conceive the R. A.'s are razing the noxious growth to the ground. Accordingly
my depravity the Burlington authorities have issued a postscript to their catalogue;
If I enumerate some of my and this compilation, which costs only one shilling, will suffice to guard
acts. the delicate visitor against the most serious of the diseases that are pre-
boisterous, A few simple hints may be of service.
Often I went to the theatre, Nine hundred and nine, a marine piece, should be studied through a
then telescope (telescopes on hire at half-a-guinea per hour); otherwise a
Went in for supper, all Chablis severe fit of the blues might result.
and oyster-ous- Miss Thompson's pictures should be fumigated (they have been gas'd
Sometimes for "fellows" and enough) before they are viewed. Scarlatina is the least of the evil
1" smoke'" in my "den." results that might accrue from any less careful inspection.
Suddenly came a revulsion m Millais will cause a certain mnalaise if the spectator is not well wrapped
SSuddenly came a revulsion rmys- up ; and Frith invariably brings a rash forth in anyone rash enough to
terious, approach without a respirator.
Coloring greatly my subsequent acts ; Legros is fatal to everybody of a full habit.
Having become undeniably serious," Nobody should enter Gallery II. who has any Leightont disorder in
Soon I'd distributed numerous tracts, his system.
Then I would eek out my neighbours and call on em, The foolhardy student of Pettie is likely to find himself in a pettieful
Point out their sins, and their motives besmirch; condition before Knight.
Ever I'd groan at the vice among all on 'em- N.B.-Condy's fluid, taraxacum, and other patent specifics are
Sometimes I even attended a church, sold downstairs where the umbrellas are kept, and occasionally given
Who made me vie thus with grim Caledonians ? back.
Folly's fair Queen, incontestably, you; A Whistler will be found an excellent substitute for rhubarb and
All who've once seen you are strict Cameronians- senna; the dose (for an adult) is seven seconds and a half.
I am a strict Cameronian, too.
SATIRE bites in Irish flattery salt sons Irish butter SOMEBODY writes to inquire why tapping the face of the barometer
SATR bites in Irish flattery just as alt seasons Irish butter makes the hand move. If anyone were to tap his face, wouldn't his
A GALLEY SLATE.-A ship's cook. hand move ?
[JULY 31, 1878.
DOTS BY THE WAY.
4 *.S ,,- -
GLAD SUMMER TIME.
Now in the lusty summer time,
When sunny days are bright and long,
We see the clustering roses climb,
And listen to the chirping song:
When grassy meads are bright and green-
When flocks and herds browse on the lea-
On broad fields ripening corn is seen,
And leaves make music in the tree.
Now in the sunny summer day
The heart of man gives forth its praise
That all the land is bright and gay,
And full its golden wealth displays ;
The garden, field, and orchard fair,
Where fruits hang ripening in the sun,
And in the heat of noon-day glare
Cool shady spots where brooklets run.
When sinks the sun at close of day,
And pale stars glimmer far above,
That seem with silvery tongue to say
Sweet messages from those we love,
Then breezes softly play among
The trees and cool the grassy ground,
And music, like a distant song,
To soft repose lulls all around.
Then let man take of joy his fill,
When summer sun is shining warm-
When purple blooms on heathered hill,
And scented air fills up the charm.
The wondrous beauty that we see
Full budding in its luscious prime,
Invites to cull the sweets that be
In manhood's lusty summer time.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL REPORTER IN CYPRUS.
(By SuBmAnrnE WIxn.)
LARNACA, July 30th.
HERE I am, sir, as I told you I should be, ready to begin, as soon
as I have recovered from the fatigue of my journey, my official task
of taking a census of this interesting, if somewhat inert, people. That
this undertaking will be a difficult one I have no doubt; for if it goes
against the grain of Orientals generally to be numbered, how much
more is it likely to go against the grain of the Cypri-oats, as they are
But I will not anticipate, seeing that at present I have only gone so
far as to engage my landlord to assist me, acting on the good old
principle that you should never attempt to reckon without your host.
This same landlord of mine is a most estimable Mussulman, who was
so much impressed by the sight of the British coat-of-arms (coloured),
which I had taken off a jar of pickles and stuck on my portmanteau,
that he at once let me the whole of his house at an exorbitant rent,
except its flat roof, on which he himself lives beneath the shade of a
big tea-chest, like a spurious imitation of Diogenes.
Being a Government Official, as well as your Extra-Special" Re-
porter, sir, I was received by a guard of honour, consisting of the only
two men that could be spared by Sir Garnet Wolseley, whom, how-
ever, I had to leave on the beach, trying to form a hollow square
according to the Queen's regulations, whilst I followed the five
natives, who had scrambled for and carried off my four articles of
baggage, into the town.
The news soon spread that another British Government official had
arrived, and the prices and the windows went up* all along the main
street as I passed, ostentatiously using a Union-Jack pocket-hand--
kerchief at frequent intervals. I had been recommended to Aboo Ben
Hadji, my landlord, by the steward on board the steamer which had
just landed me-though I was still at sea, I am bound to admit-and,
as I have said, this wily householder promptly took me in and killed
a fatted kid for me, right away, just as though I had been a Cyprian
prodigal son. This island, 1 may mention, does not run to calves,
though, as you may have seen, there are 400,000 goats and sheep here;
or, rather, there are at most not more than 399,997 here now, as I
know personally of three which have been slain for my behoof-or, at
all events, I have paid for three-since I arrived here.
I do not know the language sufficiently well, as yet, to decide
whether a Cyprian edition of this journal would pay, but directly I
can make puns in the vernacular I will try them on old Aboo Ben
Hadji. Meanwhile, I am facetious to Sir Garnet, just to keep my
hand in. For instance, coming on him this morning energetically
directing a party of Engineers who were making a fine wide military
thoroughfare, I shook my head and exclaimed, Ah, ah, Sir G.! "-I
call him Sir G. for short-" more acquisitions, eh F Not content with
Cyprus, you are now determined to have Rhodes' as well, I see!"
All the commissioned officers laughed, heartily at my quip there and
then; but the privates, and the sergeants and corporals, not being
allowed to guffaw on duty, reserved their appreciation of it until their
dinner-hofir, when two of the men-subscribers to this journal from
the first, I am proud to say-were so overcome by their pent-up mirth
that they had to be smartly patted on their backs by the sergeant of
I am convinced that this island has a great future before it. The
cultivation of tobacco would give splendid returns for the capital in-
vested. I am not sure it would not give good birdseye as well. Most
of Sir Garnet's staff lean to sugar growing, however, as is only
natural. Sweets to the suite, don't you see ?
Hundreds of Englishmen have arrived here too, whose object it is
to excavate in search of archaeological relics and remains. It would
be considered an indignity to use a spade for agricultural purposes;
but so long as you turn up the earth in search of old potsherds and
mutilated statues it is not considered infra dig. I may ?add, however,
that this is not at all the island in which to enjoy the otium cum dig.
I defy a man who is fond of his ease to use a spade here.
A theatre is to be opened in this town shortly; and we expect a
supply of bathing machines, a circulating library, and a troupe of
Christy minstrels by the next mail-boat. Meanwhile I am organising
my machinery for taking the census, which will be a warm job, I feel
certain. I was always good at figures, though, and doubt not I shall
succeed in the long-run. It is this long run, however, that I dread so
immensely, seeing the state of the thermometer.
GARDENING FOR THE -MONTHS.
HINTS TO AMATERus.
IN gardening operations you should, says an authority, now look
behind you as well as before. If you can manage to do both at the
same time, your success will be proportionate. As it is highly
probable that we shall have either a succession of dry weather, of wet,
or a mixture of the two, regulate your waterings accordingly. It is
needless to say that you must water when you can. And remember
that the best breakfast for an amateur is a hot roll in the garden, and
that he will not imperil his reputation by being seen there late and
early in company with a rake.
Visit the various nurserymen, and select their choicest specimens. Of
course, if they will not let you have them, you must be prepared for .
the disappointment. By the way, are all amateurs aware that there
is a brown stock ? and that the richest stocks in the world are raised
in a court in the very heart of the City, opposite the Bank ?
To keep chrysanthemums dwarf for pots, constant shifting into a
size larger has been recommended; but constant shifting into a larger
size would seem rather to be the way to grow a giant.
Keep a sharp eye on foreign flags and crowns imperial.
Plant cuttings about your house, if the respective Railway Com-
panies have no objection.
Remove runners from your strawberry beds. Indeed, we should
not allow anyone even to walk on them. The British Queen is a fine
strawberry, but for perennial plants to strike commend us to the
British Workman. Nail your summer fruit, but do not get your
neighbours to help you. You may use the shears on your yews, but
we should not advise you to try them on your phlox.
A JUDIz SPREB.-A Thursday's lark.
Are there windows that go up in Cyprus? We have strong doubts as to this.
Can our E. S. R. be deceiving us ?-ED. FUN.
MY THREE LOVES.
ISABELLA, and Clara, and Nelly,
All bewitch in a different way.
Belle is brown as a chocolate jelly-
Clara, white as the snow-blossom'd May ;
Nell is awfully wise! has learnt Latin,
And read encyclopedias through !
So the nicknames they're known by come pat in,
For we call them the Red, White, and Blue !
Isabella is haughty and stately-
Merry Clara's abounding in go" ;
They are both fond of riding, and lately
Have quite been the belles of the Row."
Nell is modest, and shy, and retiring,
And her eyes are deep, tender, and true !
No one possibly can help admiring
One or other of Red, White, or Blue!
Of these three young divinities charming
Deepest love I have always profest;
But 'tis really absurd and alarming,
Not to know which I'm loving the best!
I'd wed all-but Society'd spurn it-
So I can't; but if only I knew
Which would take all my love-and return it-
I would wed either Red, White, or Blue !
Something Beneath the Surface.
AN UNDER-WATERMAN, named Thomas, walked across the Thames, on
Saturday last, from Greenwich to the Isle of Dogs, along the bottom
of the river. As no wager had been laid, much curiosity was felt as to
why he had attempted the feat. We are led to presume, in the
absence of exact information, that it was for divers reasons he
THE BEGINNING OF THE END.-The letter E."
I FEAR that you do not quite apprehend me," as Dick Turpin said
to his baffled pursuers.
WHEN the driver of a four-wheeler puts the skid on, what insect
does it resemble P-The drag-on fly.
(Either witnessed or dreamed by Our Own Reporter.)
A Public Thoroughfare. IMPOBTANT GENTLEMAN, with something of a
magisterial air about him, discovered on the pavement.
THE IMPORTANT GENTLEMAN. Well, I never. These bicyclists are
getting more and more audacious every day! Here are actually
a number of them riding their machines along the footpath. Here,
I say, you What do you mean by it ? I'll give you in charge for
riding along the pavement.
THE BICYCLISTS. Oh, will you? Perhaps you don't happen to
know we are foot-passengers ? -I
THE IMPORTANT GENT. Foot-passengers ? How dare you tell me
such an obvious absurdity ? Why the notion's insane 1 1
THE BICYCLISTS. Is it? Well, we've been expressly described as
such. Mr. Cook, the magistrate, said we were.
THE IMPORTANT GENT. (to himself, as he rapidly makes off). Good
Heavens So I did, in court the other day Well, I suppose it is so,
as I said it. (Goes home in confusion and finds a friend rising a bicycle
round his drawing-room.)
A METROPOLITAN "burrow" (Southwark), we understand, is to be
represented by Rabbitts." Acting on this principle we shall hear,
we suppose, that Bucks will in the next parliament have a Roebuck
for member, that Mr. Lee Steere will represent Oxon," and Hackney
choose as its candidate some neighboring mayor, whilst Newcastle
will be represented by Cole.
WHAT is the best thing for preserving health P-Ba-thing.
"DEPEND upon it," as the man said to his coat when he hung it on
WHAT the convict said when his respite arrived-" No noose is good
WHEN is a corn like a racehorse P-When it's at ten to one (a
WHEN a battalion troops the colours on a hot day, how does the Sun
return the compliment ?-He colours the troops.
Prevention is Better than Cure.
WE hear on all sides that hydrophobia
is likely to be very rife among young dogs
during the hot weather. The following
recipe for the prevention of that fatal
malady is most efficacious :-On the tenth
day after birth remove the puppies from
the mother, tie their legs gently but firmly
together, put them tenderly into a sack,
in which you have previously placed
several large stones, then take the sack
and throw it into the nearest pond, keep-
ing it there for a space of time not exceed-
ing twenty minutes, after which operation
the puppies will never have hydrophobia.
By Your Leave.
ACCORDING to a contemporary, chronic
indigestion may be cured by chewing
green leaves while out of doors, and
swallowing the juice. Of course the ivy
or laurel leaf is not included, but the
variety of leaves practicable is so numerous
that it may be truly said that no one need
suffer from dyspepsia if they choose.
IT is not our practice to condemn any-
thing unread, but we cannot refrain from
remarking that the title of a new novel,
" His Last Stake," suggests that it can
hardly be called first chop.
On Thursday Earl Beaconsfield began
his speech as follows :-" My Lords-on
laying upon the table, which I now do,"
which accounts for his opponents stigma-
tising him as a mountebank. For a peer
to lay upon the table does not appear
SO IT OUGHT
TWorkman:-"THEY SAY AS ROYALTY'S BEEN A-WISITIN' YOUR CROSBY 'ALL.
Sandwich:-"AH, AN IT ORT TO BE A GOOD HAUL FOR THE CROSBY."
JULY 31, 1878.]
44 FUN. [JULY 31, 1878.
THE RIGHTS" OF OUR RAILWAY COMPANIES.
7/ / / / j / T'hq-<>s.z8-' I K\\
Disgraceful outrage on the rights of the London and North-Western Railway
Company.-Crossing their line in the air, to which they have the sole
claim I Prompt and energetic action of the local station-master.
*,* t' -_.. '
Unsp party .a c i ,
: ', -''*./l^ ". *-si"
: ,. .. '. .. '___
Unscrupulous party actually caught in the
The Latest from the same Company:-" Very sorry, gents, but I've strict orders to
poke this little chimney under the nose of everybody as looks over the line,
to prevent them thinking they 'ave a right to do it twenty years hence."
act of helping himmpany's line of rail I
act of helping himself to Zig/ht and air within ten miles of the Company's line of rail !
1.1 iE'IL N.-JULY ')1, 1878.1
THE DASHING CABBY.
Her Majesty having been graciously pleased to make Lord Beaconsfield a K.G., we have much pleasure in making him a K.B.
Cabby:-" CYPRUS OR ASIA MINOR? PUT YOU DOWN IN NO TIME. BETTER JUMP II'TO MY CAB, SIR."
Mr. G. :-"No, THANK YOU; YOUR FARE'S EXORBITANT, AND YOUR DRIVING'S TOO RECKLESS FOR ME."
JULY 31, 1878.] F U N 47
"THE FIRST SHALL BE LAST-"
Little Boy:-" Mamma, what relation is Auntie's new baby to me?"
Mamma :-" Your first cousin, dear."
Little .Boy :-" Well, Ma, who is my last cousin? [Ma collapses.
THE PITH OF THE PAPERS.
No. IV.-THAT PHARISEE AGAIN.
IMPRESSIVE CHORUS Or ENGLISH NEWSPAPrBs.
WE turn our gaze abroad, and groan
With painfully acute sensations,
For how undignified a tone
Degrades the press of other nations!
Each journal's egotistic strife,
And shamelessly incessant bawling,
To keep in view its paltry life,
Are positively too appalling.
It makes an English writer sigh
To see this pitiful revealing
Of lack of any sort of high
And proper journalistic feeling ;
He murmurs to himself, with pride
(His proper self-respect declaring),
"How much more truly dignified
Our press appears ; beyond comparing "
One foreign paper will declare,
In phrases strongly venom-flavoured:
"The State-oh, dear, it isn't fair !-
Some other print has gone and favoured "
And then the energy and skill-
They quite defy our poor describing-
With which these foreign papers will
Discover evidence of bribing!
An English journalist would scorn
To prostitute his pen by dealing
In cries so obviously born
Of jealously and injured feeling !
He murmurs to himself, with pride
Upon the circumstance reflecting,
Our English press is dignified,
And high in tone, and self-respecting.
It shocks us so to see the prints,
The graceless prints of foreign nations,
Are not ashamed of dropping hints
And damaging insinuations ;
It shocks us that they so reveal
And never seem to try to smother
The hate they obviously feel
And jealousy of one another;
It shocks us that each print invests,
In all its views and calculations,
Its own especial interests
With more importance than the nation's ;
We murmur to ourselves with pride
And unaffected satisfaction,
"No sordid interests shall guide
The English press's course of action.''
Time elapses. The Berlin Congress, and certain other events, take place; then
SOLO BY ONE ENGLISH NEWSPAPER (hitherto a great advocate of the
Oh, ah! The Government, indeed!
A lively party to be trusted !
We'd have the nation taking heed-
Lor bless our soul, we are disgusted !
They've gone and dropped a hint that we
Have wrongly come by information;
They've done it, as we clearly see,
To try and crush our circulation.
Oh, yes! The Government, indeed!
A paltry lot-and small-and shoppy;
They needn't think they will succeed
In cutting off one daily copy!
We just ignore the hints they drop-
We take no notice-we deny them;
To think, forsooth, that they could stop
Our circulation! We defy them!
Desert our party ?" Tell us then-
And that without prevarication-
Who cares about one s party when
It damages one's circulation?
The Government-a pretty joke!-
Has served us in the meanest fashion;
Here, someone hold us We shall choke-
Good gracious!-we're in such a passion!
SoLo oF ANOTHER ENGLISH NEWSPAPER (also a great advocate of the
The Government ? We scorn its ways-
We hold it lightly-we pooh pooh it!
We don't intend to fawn and praise;
Oh no-we've not been bribed to do it.
We are not favoured, we repeat,
With special early information,
And thus enabled to compete
Unfairly as to circulation.
Of course there never could be such
A state of things as we're describing ?
There never could-oh, very much!-
Be such a state of things as BRIBING?
Let certain prints, with fulsome praise,
Applaud the Governmental action;
Approving cheers we cannot raise,
With any moral satisfaction.
And, as to coming from Berlin
With great delat and colours flying,"
We own we cannot see wherein
They've been successful, though we're trying.
Perhaps success we may admit
When Government shall act with squareness,"-
And give ourselves the benefit
Of its detestable unfairness.
LADIES and gentlemen in possession of opera-glasses are respectfully
cautioned to be particular in seeing that the stupid things do not come
to pieces and fall to the ground, as, according to a recent case,
if a policeman should happen to observe such an accident it might be
very unpleasant for their owners; especially if they be mixed up with
carriage company, Eay at Lord's or Goodwood. A gentleman present
the other day at the Eton and Harrow cricket match had a most
harrowing experience of this sort, in consequence of his opera-glass
coming in two and a portion of it dropping to the ground, wherefore
he was dropped upon by the police, and run in on a charge of theft.
We cannot sufficiently admire the originality of the logic that led the
Force to this sagacious conclusion. After this, parties wearing spec-
tacles will have to be careful that the glasses do not tumble out in
view of a policeman, or they may find that their possession of the
framework may lead to an indictment being framed against them for
stealing; while sleeve-links should be avoided lest the loss of one may
supply all that is wanting to the completion of a chain of criminating
evidence. Gloves, too, must be altogether eschewed, since the acci-
dental dropping of one and the discovery of its fellow on the owner's
hand will be a primd facie proof of fellowny ; protestations of inno-
cence being in such a case regarded as mere "kid."
ANSWER TO A LAW STUDENT.-The Postman of the Exchequer de-
livers the Chief Baron's letters, and the Tubman gets his bath ready.
48 F U4TJN [JULY 31, 1878
The Force of Habit.
A MURDERER named Courtade, who has
just been tried in France for shooting the
plaintiff, judge, registrar, and clerk of
the case in which he was defendant, has
had a good word said for him in the
indictment, which states that the accused
"is of a choleric temperament, and being
an old soldier was accustomed to blood-
shed." The idea of excusing a man for
wholesale murder on account of his war-
like antecedents is hardly tenable, we
should think, though it thoroughly bears
K out the sanguine-ary nature of the man.
'Without the French authorities think
Differently to us, they will not let him
de" old soldier" them.
Less than Kin but More than
WVITH reference to the Staff appoint-
ments made by Sir Garnet Wolseley, it is
mentioned as remarkable that he should
be able to find amongst his circle of
private friends all the men best fitted for
the vacant posts. It undoubtedly says
much for the intellectual calibre of his
acquaintances; they must have been
generally considered clever.
IT is stated that Captain Fred Burnaby
Sis going to be married. We congratulate
him; he has shown himself to be full of
077 pluck and daring, and his works should
-now have a double claim upon the public,
THE SEASIDE SEASON. for besides being good at adventure he has
The Gentleman who took his family down." now gone in for miss-adventure.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
THE CAVE, MONDAY THE 22ND-MORNING.
MY DEAR AND RESPECTED EDITOR,-The thoughtful generosity
which you have so signally displayed in retaining me upon your staff
in spite of the extreme provocation you have received at my hands,
and of the fact that I am down "-a circumstance that would have
fired a meaner nature to bitter retaliation for past injuries-fills my
heart with burning gratitude. I am sure my wife and family (did I
possess those respectable adjuncts) would bless you fervently for your
leniency to the "bread-winner "; as it is, you must accept single
blessedness at my hands. Bless you, sir, bless you !
.My landlady (dame du terre) at Boulogne was becoming so inquisitive
on' the subject of her rent that I have become convinced
that there is no place like home, and have ceased to reside at that
fashionable resort. I have necessarily given up my agency also.
Between ourselves, sir, it isn't much loss; the healthy desire for "tips"
once existing largely in the bosoms of my countrymen has greatly
decreased of late, and betting commissions were few and far between.
Nor did the Cry from the Cave seem to go off at all until my late con-
founded agent took it off with him, and I only hope 'I may meet that
gentleman one day in some quiet rural spot (if you don't think I am
going too far in saying so, sir).
I have a few final remarks concerning Goodwood; I hope you will
Gallantly Chesterton comes to the fore,
Zucchero isn't behind;
Scarcely Roehampton can hope to do'more,
Forward Advance is you'll find.
Sheldrake and Shotesham, back them who will,
Who'll of Restorative stomach his fill ?
Sweet are the Organist's tones on the ear,
Bury of Glaston has little to fear.
Thus in the lines that Trophonius links
Shows he the horse for your tin
(Barring, his talented editor thinks,
Others more likely to win).
There, sir, is a clear prophecy and a sincere recognition of your
superiority in one.
What a beautiful ticket that was you sent me on Saturday with
orders to go to the National Rifle Association Sports at Wimbledon !
I couldn't bear the thought of parting with it, and long did I
hesitate to go. I wanted to have it framed and hung over
my mantelpiece, between my school certificate for good con-
duct and my first design of a ground plan." It was so
neat (I mean the ticket, not the ground plan,-that was not
neat at all) and blue, and it called me the Representative
of the FUN newspaper" ; fancy Trophonius "the Representative
of the FUN newspaper!" I glowed with pride, but I knew
nobody would take my word for it, so I wished to retain the evidence.
At length it occurred to me that I might go and still not give it up-
at any rate I could get into the camp on those conditions, even if I
had to relinquish it at the sports enclosure. Well, sir, I went. The
way was long, the road was dusty, the day was sweltering. I reached
the camp and-well, sir, I was very thirsty. I hope you won't be
hard on me. I turned into the Pavilion and-you know my habits,
sir,-I-well I didn't see the sports-and-I find I'm at home this
morning and I've lost that ticket. I've been very wrong, sir, and I
hope you'll look over it this time; but if anyone complains that your
representative made a disturbance in the enclosure, you will know that
it must have been the person who stole that ticket,-it couldn't have
been-Yours penitently, TROPHONIUS.
P.S.-Beauclerc is a good thing for the Leger.
IT is stated by a contemporary that Caste is to be revived at the
Prince of Wales's. We think it more likely that a new cast will be
found for .Diplomacy; at any rate this house is always filled by Caste.
Miss Lydia Thompson will give up playing burlesque and appear in
comedy at the Folly in the autumn. We wonder whether the lady
has lost her springy step ?
The actor who plays Bill Sikes, at the Olympic, is said not to be
sufficiently brutal in appearance and manner to realise the character.
We should have thought he would have been very Seartely.
The lessee of the Court having made 25,000, proves the Hare and
many friends to have succeededfiableously.
Mr. Henry Neville will shortly replace Mr. Charles Kelly at the
Adelphi. The personator of Pierre Lorance should be a spirited actor,
and there's no doubt Mr. Neville's spirits are, if anything, above
On the 5th August the new Theatre Royal, Wolverhampton, will
be opened by Mr. Charles Collette, in The Critic. The management
evidently believes in commencing with a good -Ptff.
WHY is the east wind like the man who illuminates our thorough-
fares F-Because it is a lamb-blighter.
WHY use two names ? Isn't a tuning-fork apitch-fork ?
J.TY 31, 1878.] F U T. 49
CERTAINLY was overbold
When, down in that village in
At scarcely responsible seven.
I frequently perilled my soul
S/ By vowing we never
And now? Well, I think, on
I love thee as fondly as ever.
B ~ It's true you've to beauty no
(A fact I'm inclined to make
/ ~ ,,4 most of,
S' For my case is somewhat the
.- 3My beauty is "nothing to boast
It's true that you're wanting in style,
It's true that you never
Yet still, though the cynic may smile,
I love thee as fondly as ever.
You've aged in an osseous way-
They tell me my figure is portly-
Your hair is decidedly grey,
Well, mine will be vanishing shortly ;
But why should the matters appal ?
And why should I never
To (not having loved thee at all)
To love thee as fondly as ever ?
CELEBRITIES FROM HOME.
LORD NOZOO AWAY FROM CASTLE AIREY.
As, after a pleasant chat with the lodge-keeper's wife, we turn up
the broad path that leadeth, not to destruction, but to the house, and
we look right and left at the wide meadow-land stretching on either
side as far as the eye can reach, and a good deal farther, mingled
feelings of envy and hatred of the landed class rise in our hearts as we
recognize the fact that here is a man to the manor born, and that
though our duty is to dwell upon his surroundings, our inclination is
to dwell upon his estate. We go on, however, and twisting sharply
round towards the servants' entrance we come suddenly upon Mr.
Corks, his lordship's portly butler, basking in the genial atmosphere
of a July morning and his own importance. He greets us warmly,
and, in reply to our inquiries, informs us that his lordship is still at
home; but if we will come round to the pantry, we will discuss a bottle
of his lordship's best sherry and the Eastern Question, on which his
lordship is a great authority, being, in fact, the only man who really
understands it thoroughly. We accept his proffered generosity, and,
while Jeames is told off to give us notice of his lordship's anticipated
speedy departure, we congenially give ourselves up to looking at men
and manners through the medium of a repeatedly filled sherry-glass
in company with Mr. Corks and Mrs. Overall, the housekeeper. Pre-
sently Jeames comes and tells us his master has gone at last, and we
forthwith wend our way to the rooms occupied by the family when
staying there. After criticising the albums in the drawing-room, and
looking in every cupboard and drawer in the bedrooms, Mr. Corks
leads us, at length, into a chamber of noble proportions, the sides of
which are literally built of blue-books. "This," he says, "is his
lordship's study." Now, indeed, do we breathe the air frequently
inhaled by the great man, or rather what he has left behind on going
out. "This," continues Mr. Corks, "is his lordship's favourite
pipe." We place it between our own lips. This is his lordship's
favourite penholder; he will use no other-quite a fad on his part, I
assure you." We grasp the pen between our plebeian fingers, which
itch to retain it. "This," remarks Mr. Corks, doing the host in his
usual bland style, "is his lordship's chair, and at this table he sits
and writes his grand treatises on the .Eastern Question, .Hydrophobia,
and Life in Death." We immediately seat ourselves on the honoured
receptacle for men who feel inclined to sit, and after jumping up and
down to test the quality of its springs, which are unimpeachable, we
draw up the table and commence to overhaul the papers lying there.
"TheEastern Question," writes hislordship, "Iydrophobia, andLife
in Death are more closely allied than would at first seem possible, inas-
much as the rabid state of public feeling on the former is nothing but
the penultimate in another guise, while the fact that although the
former may become a dead letter, it is but for a time, and its bursting
forth into fresh vigour when it is forgotten and at rest will connect it
with the latter." His lordship is a great man," we remark to Mr.
Corks, and after several more bottles of sherry, we take our leave.
Just as we get outside the back-door Mr. Corks runs (as well as he
can) after us, and says; I say, don't pretend as how it was his lord-
ship himself you saw, as all the other fellows like you have done. No
one believes it."
And we haven't !
THE DIZZY HEIGHT.
Mr Lord of B., you've played the gallant game
Which many noble lords are yearning carter" ;
Though Cypress branch comes drooping with your fame,
You've won the highest trick-the Royal Garter.
Well, wear it in its place about your knee,
A girdle to make fast your silken stocking,
Though in your climbing up the slippery tree
The crowd may shout their ribald sneer and mocking.
THE COMPLETE VEGETABLE MORALIST.
No. XI.-THE CUCUMBER.
IT is a mistake to call the Cucumbine a Cow-cumber. For
though we can get milk from the Cucumber as well as from
the Cow, the Cucumber honestly makes its own, and cumbers no
cows for it. Besides, cucumber's milk does not even profess to skim,
and the Cucumber thus makes no attempt to divide the butter trade
either with the cows or the mud-butter manufacturers.
The Cucumber is another unhappy vegetable languishing in
confinement. It cannot, for its own sake, be allowed to go at large,
for, out of confinement, it grows sadly wild. It is generally confined
in an asylum of glass, in which each patient is provided with a separate
cell. Under restraint the Cucumber developed into a long sentimental
vegetable sausage. The Cucumber's is a sad story. It suffers from a
hopeless passion, and affords a touching example of misplaced affection
for a beloved object from whom there is no return. Like Count Ray-
mond, captivatedbyhis fish-love, Melusina, thetender-hearted Cucumber
lavishes its affections on the Salmon, that fishly pink beauty which
comes out fresh every season under the guardianship of Mr. Paterson
and Mr. Frank Buckland. The poor pining Cucumber spends all its
time in evolving a plaintive fragrance, which calls evermore for salmon,
and which, importunately, demands its equipage of pepper and vinegar
to transport it into the beloved presence. When the happy moment
arrives for the Cucumber's release from its cell, it hastens in the afore-
mentioned vehicle to the abode of the sweet temptress, and there casts
itself down in weeping slices before the adored fish, shedding tears
enough to swamp a Celia's arbour. But4he cruel beauty has no pity.
Saucy Miss Anchovy is sure to be at the table, and the Salmon gobbles
up the pair with the same impartiality as that exercised by the Whale
when he swallowed Jonah along with the little fishes. Thus the
Cucumber always ruins itself for the Salmon. The happy gherkin dies
young, before it has acquired a taste for anything stronger than
Few would believe the softheartedness of the Cucumber, for many
have a tough and knobbly hide; yet the knobbly ones are the best; the
tenderest hearts usually lie beneath the roughest waistcoats. Sunbeams,
it is said, have been distilled from Cucumbers, but never in sufficient
quantities to supersede moonshine, let alone sunshine. On table the
cucumber invariably repents, and weeps over its past courses. If at
all dilatory about its repentance, give it pepper. A cucumber never
looks so nice as when in tears.
What's in a Name P.?
IT has been asked why the Admiralty saw fit to name our great
troopships after large rivers, such as the Euphrates, the Ganges, the
Jumna, and so on? The reason is plain, we think. When we send
out reinforcements it is well that they should arrive not in mere
driblets, but in a stream. Now surely, then, if they arrive in a river
such as the Euphrates, the effect must be still more apparent. Could
there be a better way of swamping the enemy ? ..
IT has been said that one should drive a bargain as hardly as
possible. But suppose the bargain be a horse-how then ?
A PLAIN SPEAxKE.-One who is the reverse of handsome.
WRY is the career of a young lady immured within the walls of a
convent a life long error '-Because it is a miss-spent existence.
50 F U N [JULY 3', 1878.
"A 'HARMONY' IN BLUE AND GREEN."
COME OUT FOR A GOOD LONG WALK. GIVE UP YOUR BOOKS. WHY, GEORGE WAS SAYING ONLY THE OTHER DAY HE IS QUITE AFRAID
OF YOU, YOU ARE 80 BLUE." WELL, TELL GEORGE I AM AFRAID OF HIM, HE IS 80 GREEN."
WARM DAYS AND AN ICY KNIGHT. then, so did the iced-water idea a few weeks ago. Now we have
this boon granted, however, we can scarcely think it will be an
THE name of J. P. Knight is one that railway travellers will ice-olated one.
in future delight to honour, and doubtlessly his good health will be
often drunk in the tumblers of iced water which, thanks to his con-
sideration, are now to be obtained by parched passengers at the JULY, 1878.
principal stations on the London and Brighton line. We gladly hail LAST moon impatiently did men complain,
this cool notion as a nice one in every sense, and quite agree that a "0 wherefore lags the summer, 'tis full time
public monument should be erected to the general manager to whom That she were with us ? In what favoured clime
we owe it, adding, as a suggestion of our own, that it might Thus lingereth she ? while here chill mists and rain
appropriately take the form of a "freeze," on which the thirsty Do vex the earth, and fill our hearts with pain
traveller might be seen quaffing the iced beverage in bas-relief. And gloomy bodings, lest the useful toil
This glass of cold water is but an instalment, let us hope, of the Of husbandry should prove a labour vain,
amenities railway companies intend somewhat tardily to extend to the And produce scant our hopes of harvest spoil."
public who use their lines. Who shall say that ere long waiting-rooms Thus late we murmured. Now, o'er all the land
will not be provided with a well-selected assortment of the literature We feel the summer's breath. With kisses bland
of the day, instead of the inevitable large-type Testament bound in She fertilizes Earth; her soft warm feet
sheep, and the somewhat personal religious placards hanging on the Leave fruitful plenty wheresoe'er they press;
wall F-that refrigerators and vaporisers in summer, and foot-warmers And in her laughing train, the world to bless,
and rugs in winter, will not be on hire, at nominal charges, at all large Comes dove-eyed Peace with gifts and graces sweet.
stations ?-that complete luncheons will not be brought round to the
carriages en route ?-that compartments will not be efficiently lighted
during night journeys F-that porters will not talk distinctly ?-and that, A LOVE-STRICKEN lass went into Mr. Lipscombe's the other day to
in short, a general effort will not be made to treat the railway buy a philter.
passenger as though he were a customer to be courted rather than a IN hard winters we have skating on the Thames, but all the year
nuisance to be put down ? Such expectations may seem Utopian, but round there is Bowling on the Clyde.
A^ g |* .| Ioft ABE THE (adteu'yi CoMoBlock below hlow the proportion ornitrogenoun
5 flUBEST FOiI' I t port cs.tituents In enh 0 parts of V hridlt ,.d- Id
DUMESTIC asdoed v- oopthir C.dburo. u o3 ,B
USE. b the removral o!Pearl anda nohr pre-
SUP ER ot. tt a rea 4.
U ~ i ~ ~ ^ VSEE THAT EACH O p N O.o8
O H IEt REAfiS GENO
DRAPER FOR the age or
CHAIhW ICK'S, o C .r.o.. wh
AND TAKE aNO ore ni lho:--9i. Pao:,oug.. no..o a -
O B*TTONS.are of uy- aea
Printed by JTUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons. and Published (fOr the Proprietors) at 168, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, July 31, 1878.
Arv. 7, 1878.] F UN. 51
A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
First Friend:-" Oa, BY-THE-BYE, I'M SO SORRY I WAS OUT WHEN TOU CALLED-- ." Second ditto :-" OR, NEVER MIND, I- ."
-Frst Friend:-" YES, BUT I AM SO VEXED, I CAN- ." Second ditto:-" OH, DON'T MENTION IT; NO CONSEQUENCE, MY DEAR, REALLY."
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY.
BY A CONPIEMED IDYLLER.
No. VI.-A VAUGHAN-TED CHOICE
S I was nurtured in a slum
Where decent people seldom
That I should be exactly what
I The world might term "a seedy
Without dispute arising.
I But there's a thing I can't disguise
Which may elicit some surprise,
And even indignation.
It is that, mean and underbred,
I'd yet a strong desire to wed
A deal above my station.
I thought it would be nice to claim
The duty of some haughty dame,
So close on bliss it touches,
To see a Countess drive a moke
And vend the cheery artichoke,
And tremble in your clutches.
But all my views have changed of late,
The Gaiety contains my Fate,"
And blindly, since I've seen her,-
Though once I wished my bride to be
A maid superior to me-
I now desire AMINA !
INDIGESTIBLE FooD.-Cork hams.
Ax 1 NAnISTOCRATIC LINEAGI.-Penny-a-" line "-age.
HAVE you brought my boots, Jemima? Leave them at my chamber-
Does the water boil, Jemima ? Place it also on the floor.
Eight o'clock already, is it P How's the weather; pretty fine ?
Eight is tolerably early; I can get away by nine.
Still I feel a little sleepy, though I came to bed at one.
Put the bacon on, Jemima; see the eggs are nicely done !
I'll be down in twenty minutes-or, if possible, in less ;-
I shall not be long, Jemima, when I once begin to dress.
She is gone, the brisk Jemima; she is gone, and little thinks
How the sluggard yearns to capture yet another forty winks.
Since the bard is human only-not an early village cock-
Why should he salute the morning at the hour of eight o'clock ?
Stifled be the voice of Duty; Prudence, prythee cease to chide;
While I turn me softly, gently, round upon my other side.
Sleep, resume thy downy empire; reassert thy sable reign I
Morpheus, why desert a fellow ? Bring those poppies here again I!
What's the matter new, Jemima ? Nine o'clock ? It cannot be!
Hast prepared the eggs, the bacon, and the matutinal tea P
Take away the jug, Jemima, Go, replenish it anon ;
Since the charm of its caloric must be very nearly gone.-
She has left me. Let me linger till she re-appears again.
Let my lazy thoughts meander in a free and easy vein.
After Sleep's profounder solace, nought refreshes like the doze.
Should I tumble off, no matter: she will wake me, I suppose.
Bless me, is it you, Jemima ? Mercy on us, what a knock!
Can it be-I can't believe it-actually ten o'clock ?
I will out of bed and shave me. Fetch me warmer water up !
Let the tea be strong, Jemima. I shall only drink a cup.
Stop a minute I remember some appointment, by the way.
'Twould have brought me mints of money: 'twas for ten o'clock
Let me drown my disappointment, Slumber, in thy seventh heaven!
You may go away, Jemima. Come and call me at eleven !
[Auo. 7, 1878.
A SHAKESPEARIAN DITTY.
UT an' I were a tiddy-iddy boy-
Nonny, nonny, hey nonny!
Snaring hawks were all my joy.
Nonny, nonino, hey !
The owlet cries "Too-whit! Too-whoo!
Oh, an would my love were true !"
Then loudly cries the pert cuckoo,
The sleepy owlet sitting on a tree-
Nonny, nonny, hey nonny !
*.4 Solemnly he winks at me, '
N4onny, nonino, hey!
He then repeats, "Too-whit! Too-whoo!
Oh, an would my love were true "
Again replies the pert cuckoo,
OUR EXTRA-3PECIAL REPORTER AT CYPRUS.
AT ABOO BE HADJI's, AUGUST S, 1878.
Mr Ytay mn this island, sir, is not likely, after all, to be very pro-
tracted. Money goes fast here, though existence is terribly slow, and
I am not getting on with the census with anything like the facility I
anticipated. My crafty landlord knows that he will lose me as a
tenant when I have completed the numbering of the people of this
city; and he has therefore, instead of helping me in my task, placed
unexpected obstacles in my path. It is entirely owing to him that I
have counted one dancing dervish ten times over already, and omitted,
on the other hand, to reckon several large families of Turks at all. It
seems he has put it about that I am the new tax-collector, so that it is
no wonder I find so many households have just left for the other
side of the island, and that the patresfamilias with whom I do manage.
to obtain an interview resolutely refuse to understand'ny mission, and.
try to frighten me from performing my duty by declaring, .with a
suspiciously identical vehemence of gesture and similarity of words, that
they would gladly ask me in, had they not unfortunately a leper
relative on the premises in a most virulent stage of the disease.
Taking these things into consideration, sir, you will not be sur-
prised, perhaps, to hear that by the time I had arrived at a total of
3,472 (inclusive of the ubiquitous dervish) I had had quite enough of
my new duty, and that I am now only awaiting a convenient oppor-
tunity to place my resignation in the hands of Sir Garnet Wolseley,
hoping that, full as they must be, there will be room in them for it as
well. To tell the truth, handsome as was to be my remuneration for
counting the Cypriotes, money is to be made over here much more
easily just now; and I have availed myself of my position to start the
first hotel in Larnaca worthy of the name, which I have called the
"Beaconsfield Arms." It is true that at present my guests have to
content themselves with goat's-flesh and the wine of the country; but
I have engaged a Greek as cook, who can do a kid steak to a turn,
and who is not above dressing up in the attire of the neighbourhood
when his work is done in the kitchen, and doing native dances in the
I also personally conduct bands of tourists who stay at the
" Beaconsfield Arms," to the objects of interest in the locality, and do
a roaring trade in Cyprian relics and antiquities. There is such a
defiand, indeed, for chips from the Temple of Aphrodite, at Paphos,
that I have to crack up not less than seven old bricks per diem, on an
average, and I am hourly expecting that old Aboo Ben Hadji, my
landlord, will find out the consequent inroads I am making on his back
kitchen wall, and stop further dilapidations.
I tried a culinary experiment for yesterday's table d'?,6te, having
killed an old camel for the purpose of giving variety to the hill-of-fare.
The hump, which I had understood was quite a delicacy, I had served
up separately, and reserved for my best customers. But I regret to
say that by the time the camel had circulated amongst the diners in
the form of potage, entri, and joint, there was no one at the table who
had not the hump,"-to use a slang but expressive phrase-and I
had to hurriedly order up a goat, which we had fortunately got in
pickle, to prevent a regular emeute in the dining-room.
British enterprise will not leave me long alone in the field, though,
that is very certain. Mysterious strangers are arriving by every steamer,
with theodolites and dumpy levellers in their portmanteaus, and the
most ambitious projects in their brains. A railway through the
island, a harbour and docks at Famagosta, a Grand Hotel in this
town. waterworks on a big scale, roads, bridges, precious stone mines,
salt-fields, vineyards, !kid-glove manufactories, a theatre, a church, a
billiard-room, a bishop, a cricket ground, Turkish bath, gas-works, a
school board, a couple of newspapers, a submarine cable, a co-operative
store, a comic paper, and a public debt are already being arranged for,
and I am, therefore, making my hay whilst the sun shines.
Anything you may choose to consign to me I will do my best to
dispose of. But don't, on any account, send goloshes. The island is,
as it is, literally overrun with them, for a hundred dozen sent out last
week by an enterprising maker have already melted, owing to the
great heat. A great trade might be done in penny ices. Traces of
the worship of Isis still remain, indeed, so that it will be com-
paratively easy to revive it, and induce the people to perform the
pleasant rite of eating "ices to the honour of the goddess I!
Since writing the above I have been rudely shocked by the dis-
covery of the flight of my Greek cook with my cash-box and the only
silver tablespoon the establishment possessed. And I trusted him
like a brother, too! Worse than all, he has bolted without doing
anything towards preparing dinner, except killing the inevitable
diurnal goat. And, in less than four hours, fifty-one ravenous guests
will be demanding their evening meal. Can I stay and face their
disappointment and wrath when they find they are expected to dine
off pickled kids' heels, and bread and honey? Never! I, too,
will fly, and 'you will see your Extra-Special Reporter, sir, as soon as
you'do this, his last letter from the, to him, unlucky isle of Cyprus.
FJNS FARCES. No. 6.-CO-OPERATION.
A.lAncE IN CHRONIC AcTs, AS PLAYED DAILY IN VARIOUs PARTS OF
Sc-NE.-Co-operaitire Stores. Discovered are COMMITTEB-M EN, SHARE-
HOLDERS, -c. They sing :-
Permit us to remark that this
Is the Co-operative Stores !
.. ,, The building's not at all amiss,
Of the Co-operative Stores!
The members think they save a heap
At the Co-operative Stores!
Their faith's implicit, rooted deep,
In the Co-operative Stores!
Whereas we're dearer than the shops
At the Co-operative Stores !
Thrice ten per cent committee pops
On all, from watches down to mops,
At the Co-operative Stores !
Some things do truly cheap appear
At the Co-operative Stores!
For soaps, and such-like, are not dear
At the Co-operative Stores!
But only things that widely known-
Out the Co-operative Stores!
Have one acknowledged price alone,
Ara, cheaper in the price-list shown
Of the Co-operative Stores.!
Enter the BnITISH PUBLIC.
THE B. P. This is the Co-operative Stores, I believe. Not being
a member, I have no ticket; neither am I a shareholder- .
THE COMMITTEE. Oh, that is of no consequence. We shall be most
happy to supply you with anything. A clock ? Upstairs, please.
THE B. P. (upstairs, after fighting way to counter). I want to see
The ASSISTANTS cut him short, singing:-
Goodness, gracious! what a crushing!
Buying, bothering here all day !
Crowding, pushing, fighting, rushing,
In a positive wanton way !
Can't you see we won't be worried
By your imbecile itch to buy p
We assistants can't be hurried,
So don't trouble yourself to try.
When we deem it fit and proper,
Then your requirements we'll attend.
On your clamour put a stopper ;
Take a seat till we condescend.
AN Ass. (after a time). Now, then, what do you want P
THE B. 1P. What is the price of this French clock ? Twelve
pounds, eh! Why, I saw its exact counterpart in the Strand for
9 10s. I ought to get it cheaper here.
THE Ass. (laughing). You ought to think so, you mean. Every-
body else does who comes here.
THE B. P. Well, but hang it! If not cheaper, how is it it is
THE Ass. Well, you are (To gentlemen downstairs.) Here,
come up and explain.
AUG. 7, 1878.],
THE COMITrTEE, and others, rush upstairs, singing :-
The profit made by selling dear
At the Co-operative Stores !
Brings in a hundred thou' a year
To the Co-operative Stores !
This sum the shareholders divide-
At the Co-operative Stores!
And, consequently, so deride--
Of the Co-operative Stores!
The uid6atkings,-we convey,
Af-the Co-ouperative Stores!
In Articles." which se t our gay
Association oil its way,
As the Co-opertive Stores !
Which guarantee alUpr'fia mwade
By the Co-opeiative Stores !
When all examense have been paid
Of the Co-operative Stores !
Shalt go' to lowering the price-
At the Oo-opeative Stores !
Of goods. But now, by self-advice,
We collar the redundant slicer
At the Co-operativu Stores !
THE B. P. Thank you. I don't think I'll have the clock now.
Good day (Sings) :-
Of all the examples of sad imbecility,
Mixed with a confidence, blind in its bliss,
The worst is evinced by the mental debility
Shown in becoming a member of this.
Because, for a privilege highly chimerical-
Viz., to pay more than is charged by the trade-
A premium (though it a good sum and spherical
Cannot be termed) is-obliged to be paid!
AMONG the numerous guide to Paris we now have
the Comid Gui&d to that wonderful city. It is ably
translated from the French of Adrien Huart, cleverly
illustrated with little sketches of character drawn as only
the French can draw, and contains a lot of useful infor-
Mr. Tegg publishes "A Comic History of Heraldry,"
ably written by R. H. Edgar, who, in a humorous vein,
gives some real information on a comparatively little-
known subject, explaining the meaning and uses of the
chief heraldic badges and signs. The work is profusely
illustrated with quaint drawings by W. Vine; it is
beautifully printed, and certainly a good shilling's
A NEW and very original definition of drunkenness
was elicited last week at the Down Assizes, when a Mr.
Thomas Leary deposed that if he fell he would con-
sider himself drunk, but if he staggered he would not
consider himself drunk." We hardly think this rule
would hold good in London, for we believe it is very
common with cockneys to be "rolling drunk." Mr.
Leary's downy definition is, however, right in one
respect, for it is perfectly true that every man who gets
drunk must fall-in the social scale.
SoME of the astronomers observing the recent eclipse
of the sun, after some trouble discovered an object of
" four and a half magnitude. There are hundreds of
commoner observers within hand's-breadth of the Sol's
Arms," who have discovered "four-half" magnitude
without any trouble, though its magnitude may have
brought trouble upon them.
Passing NOTES.-Those of the Bank of England.
A Sloping GRoUND.-That occupied by Welchers.
A MURnDEROUS ADYERTISEMENT.-" Families re-
THE CLASHING oF CYMBALS. -Using a mixed
ON a recent parade of the -th Regiment, a sergeant
reported to his officer that he detected spitting in the
ranks, but that he could not indemnify the man. ,. The
gallant fellow no doubt meant identify.
LIVE AND LEARN.
S Mr. Stubbs :-" WELL, MRS. MILES, I DON'T THINK WE CAN OBJECT
TO IT, SINCE THEY SAYS IT'S FOR THE ADVANCE OF SCIENCE."
I Mrs. Miles:-" WELL, I WOULD NOT OBJECT TO VIVISECTION IN THE
LEAST, YOU KNOW, IF THE ANIMALS WERE DEAD."
And so I'm convinced that this pseudo society
Is but a shop, as its practices show;
As such, its advantages (and with propriety)
Operate most for the good of the Co. !
THE B. P. retires in disgust. Great piling-on of more profits, and
singing of their celebrated song. Grand Dance of Co-operation, and
A FRENCH journalist has taken the trouble to range a conjugation
of the verb To sleep in current slang or argot. It beginsthbs :-
II dort Nous cassons notre carme.
Tn pionces Vous piquez vote chiem~
II tape de 1'eil ls- roupillent
Taking an English verb-in a similar way: "To run away"' le I us
say, we shenld. have--
I run away We walk our chalks
Thou hookest it Ye or you cut your sticks
He bolts They slope
Or one more example-the passive verb, To be drunk"-
PR+ SENT TENeSB.
I am drunk- We are three sheets in the wind
Thou art all mops and brooms Ye or you are squiffy
He is screwed They are tight.
Further tenses may be supplied at will by the ingenious reader.
54 FUN. [AUG.
AT THE FOREIGN OFFICE.-A GREAT SECRET.
"Huns," said &a official at the F. 0., I have a diplomatic document of great
importance. Its contents are a profound secret! Can we be overheard I"
" et us speak in a whisper. Here it is. We had better close the
Then all the confidential clerks were called in and bound by a great oath of secrecy.
Hullo," said the official next in bigness, "all the confidential clerks are busy;
there is no one to copy this document. Messenger-run out and call in the
first person you see to copy this secret and important memorandum."
And they found somebody at once, and paid him tenpence. *
And after all THISprecaution the secret actually leaked out / /
FUJIN.-AUG. 7, 1878.
DECORATING HIS IDOL.
DIZZY, THE FLOWERY, AND HIS LITTLE ATTEMPT TO EXTINGUISH THE OPPOSITION IDOL, AND GLORIFY
LORD BEACONSFIELD, K.G.
ATG. 7, 1878.]
FROM BAD TO WORSE.
Young Gent (who has been away from home some, time):-"- Well,
cook, and how are you "
Cook:-" Only moderate, sir, only moderate; the fact is I often
wish I was dead."
Y. G. :-" I'm sorry to hear that; but you .should mind what you.
say, cook; you know it might be out of the frying-pan into the
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
PERSONAL MATTERS-STARTLING DISCLOSURES!-TROPOQNIUrS TAKES
THE PLEDGE !
The Cave, Monday.
HoNORE AND AND ENLIGHTENED SIm,-Having had, no communication
from you, and being told you were not in when I calle -ast week-
you always used to be in on Tuesdays-I am afraid you are rather
offended at the manner in which I represented you at Wimbledon. I
am confirmed in my opinion by the behaviour of your office-boy and
cashier-subordinates faithfully reflecting the minds of their superiors,
-theformertreatedme with extremehaughtiness, while the latter became
quite offensive over an extra sixpence which I tried to prove (and still
think) my due. I should .scarcely, therefore, take the' liberty of
addressing you at this time had I not information of unusual interest
to communicate. You have often (and justly). complaid3ed of myi
intemperate habits-complain, sir, no more. I, -have taken the pledge.
No sooner had I done so, sir, than
There swept a tide of bitter woe
Through Truman, Hanbury and Co.,
And Bass was sunk in deep despair,
And Allsopp said he didn't care,
But looked of hope bereft;
And soon the keen observer found
That publicans for miles around
Were forced to close their empty shops,
And folks who vended malt and hops
Were ruined right and left.
This act of mine, sir, may strike you with surprise. The man
who signs the pledge," I have said-and said frequently, "is little
better than the habitual drunkard. He confesses to a weakness-that
of not knowing when to stop-which degrades him to the level of the
lower creation. The man who don't know where to stop is a man to
be despised." Don't think me inconsistent, what I have done was
not done willingly. I was cheated into it.
And they who made the pewter pots
Bewailed their unrewarded lots,
And gentle barmaids heaved the sigh,
And pot-boys dried the tearful eye
Upon the apron's edge.
They were a painful sight to con
With all their "occupations gone,"
Because Trophonius had hurl'd
Despair and ruin on the world
By signing of the pledge.
But perhaps you would like to hear how it occurred. I was sitting
alone in my chamber, when my meditations were disturbed by the
entry of two persons towards whom I have always felt a strong dis-
favour on account of their contemptible temperance principles. Ily
dislike was somewhat modified, however, on learning that their solo
errand was to invite me to drink. I am not proud, sir, I hope, and
sinking all personal feeling, I followed them. They proposed making
a night of it," and it was not my place as guest to oppose then.
Public-house after public-house was visited, and tap after tap tried,
and although I despised my companions for drinking such stuff
as lemonade, ginger-beer, plain soda and ditto seltzer, 1 was careful
not to betray my feelings, as it would have been ungracious, and they
were very liberal to the Prophet in the way of whiskies and brandies-
sixes every one of them. Now, I don't know how the question arose,
but they began to dispute the possibility of writing one's name after
six glasses. This was enough for me. I had had twelve. I called
loudly for pen and ink, but they suggested we'd better go to a quiet
place they knew of, and not make a public thing of it. Finishing my
whiskyI, followed them like a lamb. They led me down a bye-street,
under a .dark arch, and through a door, over which glimmered a feeble
lamp, embellished with some legend which I couldn't make out at the
moment, into a low, dark room, at the end of which was a table with
paens and ink, a number of large cards, a large book, and an old bald-
headed gentleman. To this table my companions led me, placed one
of the cards before me, and gave me a pen. I signed my name.
"Well, you've certainly managed to do it," said one of my friends.
"And none too soon," remarked the old gentleman. I didn't know
what he meant, but I smiled upon him, patted his bald head, and retired,
leaning on the arms of my two companions. I remember no more
till I awoke in the morning in my own bed, with a headache, and the
large card staring me in the face from my pillow. Horror There I
saw my signature-unsteady but indisputable-attached to a declara-
tion never to touch spirituous liquors I I had been sold-I had been
cheated into signing the pledge. But they had to intoxicate me to do it !
-Yours, soberly. TaorPHOm Is.
S-P.S.- ed Archer is my selection for the Leger, but I'll take 7,000
to 1 against Maximilian. ....
AFTER DINNER I
"A sophistical rhetorician inebriated with the exuberances of his own
verbosity "-Lord Beaconsfield's Speech at the Banqgit, .rJuly W27'16878.
ORDS I Words! A .man may have too much
of these '
Lord Beaconsfield ['twas after dinner] stated
That Gladstone has such various degrees,'
They make him often quite inebriated. *
Drunk with choice words in many shades of speech,
And reeling wild with eloquence elated,
Then bringing down his bludgeon wjtha,'"screech,"
",'While Ben shrinks back from, him that's so
O shocking Fie I that gentlemen should dine
So plentiful, nor note their sad condition;
And stagger under weight of lusty wine
That is- exuberant wild rhetorician.
And now, my worthy Lord of Beaconsfield,
The words you said were very smart and telling;
But do they, upon calm reflection, yield
Applause to you? To us they are repelling.
Unworthy of your justly high renown,
Your fame, not young, but fairly tried and olden,
To hurl such words upon the veteran crown
Of him whose work for England's good is golden.
SHORTHAND WRITER disengaged after 6 p.m., is open to an engagement to
attend concerts on moderate terms. Good amanuensis."
THIS would appear to be an application of the system of Phonography
(Pitman's) that has not hitherto been tried. And yet when one
comes to think of it why should not a shorthand writer take notes at a
local concert P
"The American bishops were in every instance coupled to English prelates."-
" COUPLED !'-forbid it! cry High Church and Low Church,
We Hatcham recall, and do not feel elate."
Yes, Coupled!' in turn exclaim Broad Church and No Church,-
"Petruchio's coupled to termagant Kate !"
8 F JUN. Auo. 7, 1878.
'Arry :-" I SAY, MISTEa, IS THIS A JOKEr"
Solomons:-" No, IT AIN'T. IT'S A lateE"
NEW READINGS OF OLD PROVERBS. Vicar-ious-Very.
BIG corns grow in little boots. IT is stated that the Vicar of Lower Milton, Stourport, has taken
He pays dear for the dust" who licks it off shoes. exception to the colour of a pair of trousers which were worn by one
If your purse contains no money, of his curates while officiating, and the result is that the curate has
Fill your mouth with stolen honey. had to leave. This certainly reads like a piece of tyranny upon the
He who hides may find a hider. part of the Vicar, and we trow, sirs, that to make it incumbent for a
Smell a pine and pass it by, curate to leave because his unmentionables do not please his clerical
You'll want a pine before you die. superior is a custom more honoured in the breach than the obser.
A horse in the four-in-hand is worth two in the 'bus. vance." We consider it a disgrace to the cloth.
The waiter often puts the carte before the ass.
MAY a man without being accused of pedantry describe his wife as
FaIR NATuRe.-She gives to every plantits dew. his altar ego ?
THE next novelty mentioned for the
Lyceum is the spectacular drama of the
Unrsican Brothers. Considering this house
is celebrated for the regularity with which
the ghost walks, it is a piece which should
be specially adapted to it; added to which
the play has ever been Kean-ly appre-
The Vaudeville Campany has been
strengthened by the engagement of Miss
Myra Holme. We venture to predict a
number of ad- Mtyras, for Our Boys believe
in Home, sweet Iolme.
Mr. Jefferson is said to be playing at
San Francisco in a version of the broad
French farce, Baby. It is very odd that
a piece which is broad should invariably
have a loni run.
There is no truth in the rumour that
Mr. Hare is about to give up the Court
Theatre. It certainly seemed strange
when it is paying so well that he should
think of leaving, although it must be
admitted that Mr. Hare is naturally of a
Miss Jennie Lee (Mrs. Burnett) has
recently presented her husband with a
daughter. Welcome, Lee-tle stranger!
Miss Clara Hutchinson has taken the
Aquarium Theatre, her opening piece
being That's Why She Loved Him, by Mr.
H. Such Granville. The title is the least
bit awkward, because, if the piece is a
failure, and the theatre closes, the
manageress will hardly like to attribute
the circumstance to That's Why Swa Loved
The production of Uncle Tom's Cabin at
the Princess's on August 31st is expected
to make a sensation with the hundred real
negroes. The thing is where will they
Stowe them ? They will turn everything
Something like Enjoyment.
WarTES the reporter of the Stockton
Examiner, "The programme of the Ex-
celsior Choir was well selected, and drew
a numerous company together. Two of the
male vocalists betook themselves to a
canoe which lies upon the ornamental
water, and after a series of peculiar
manoeuvres landed on the terra firm
beneath the water. The remainder of the
evening's entertainment was equally e.joy-
able." No doubt of it.
Catering for Royalty.
"IN honour of the visit of the Princess
of Wales, a garden party will be held at
Sandown Park. Special provisions have
been made for rendering the affair a great
success." The Sportsman omits to state
that the "special provisions" comprised
a large supply of the Rabbits peculiar to
the Principality, and many Maids of
Arc. 7. 1878.]
LAW OF [COPYRIGHT.
;f Y friend Mr. Bletheram Bounce
H was a genius of the highest order,
that is, in his own estimation.
He was an author by profession, and
could write poetry by the mile with
comparatively little effort; like all
truly great men, he had some peculiar
notions. One of these:-
S He considered it most
C degrading drudgery that
SI a literary genius should
be compelled to exercise
f' his great gifts to procure
S/ daily bread; further, that
'- it was the bounden duty
of a paternal Govern-
ment to grant to all toilers
S-in the field of literature,
being men of genius, a
S-- sufficient pension that
they might live in decent
/ I: comfort without the
t '~# grinding necessity of
SI. ,,li'l" .- working for hire, and
S I only write when and how
I 111 11 wild notions, my friend
Bletheram was a
fairly hardworking fellow, and lost few opportunities of earning
money. In the course of business" he happened to come
across a certain man rejoicing in the name of Grunter, who kept
a shop for the sale of pork, butter, and such like articles. For this
worthy man Mr. Bounce undertook to produce a poem, lauding the
superiority of bosh over butter produced entirely from the milk of
the cow, to be used as an advertisement by the said Grunter.
Now, Bletheram Bounce, Esq., charged such a price for the piece
of work that the poor butterman opened his eyes and rubbed his head
not a little; but the verses were well done and well suited to his
purpose, so he paid the money with as little grumbling as might be
expected under the circumstances, for it seems to be the nature of some
men (and Grunter was one of them) to grumble at the price of every-
thing they have to pay for, unless, indeed, they are under the impression
that the article is worth double the price, and then even there is a
shrug of discontent that they do not get a discount off for cash.
Time wore on; it is immaterial now whether it was three or twelve
months after the transaction between these two men, when one evening,
after the labours of a long day, as Mr. Grunter sat quietly in the small
parlour behind his shop reading an evening paper, his eye lighted
upon a piece of poetry. Now this worthy butterman, since he had
invested money in the purchase of a real original poem, came to the
conclusion that he had a natural taste for that class of literature, and
consequently read every scrap that came in his way. In the present
instance he folded down the paper, and settled himself more com-
fortably in his chair that he might enjoy the treat before him; he had
read barely four lines when he jumped from his seat as if he had been,
What was this ? Mr. Grunter took off his spectacles and polished
the glasses with the greatest care, then adjusting them to a proper
focus, again took up the paper and read. Was it possible'? Yes ;
there in large clear type was printed his poem-the poem he had
bought and paid for; and here, without leave or liberty, permission
never having been asked, someone had appropriated his property to
his own use. The thing was perfectly abominable, and, in Mr. G.'s
eyes, as gross dishonesty as if a stranger had come into his shop and
carried off a leg of pork without paying for it. He did not so much
object to the poem being printed in the paper, but that it should be
don without his sanction was abominable.
(; adually, since the purchase of these verses, Mr. Grunter had come
to oiok upon them as entirely his own work, and whatever merit they
might possess was due to himself alone; so that he had somehow ceased
to regard Bletheram Bounce as having had any part in the matter
beyond the mere writing it out, and, as he remarked, That wasn't
werry much, yer know, was it now F He was now fairly wild with
indignation at seeing his property unscruulously hypothecated by
another, and vowed with many hard words how he would vindicate his
rights and show those newspaper people he was not a man to be
trampled upon ; whereupon he, rather recklessly, consulted a short,
thick, dark-coloured bottle which stood upon the table by his side,
bearing upon its broad breast the initial letter W, after which he
stumbled off to bed.
The next morning he was up betimes, and as soon as convenient went
off to see Mr. Bounce on the subject. He was received by that gen-
tleman with the calm condescending urbanity of a prince, and,
addressed in a voice that suggested the grating of a'costermonger's
barrow, was bade be seated, and say to what cause the poet was
indebted for the honour of this interview.
Grunter, in as few words as might be, explained his business, and,
with much excitement, said, What I wants to know, Mr. Bounce,
is hew this eer comes about, yer know ?-how this eer comes about ?"
he repeated, bringing the palm of his hand heavily down upon the
The poet very quietly, and with much dignity, explained that he had
only disposed of the poem in question that it might be used by Grunter
for the purpose of advertisement, and the law of copyright gave him
the power to use it in any other way he choose, and he had not hesi-
tated to avail himself of those rights the law accorded him.
The shopkeeper stbod for one moment as if undecided, then care-
fully gathered up his papers, and, nodding his head to the poet, said,
in a quiet subdued tone, Perhaps you arer right, sir; I did not look
at it in that light; I dare say you are right," took his departure, and
slowly returned to his own home.
For several days after the event just recorded, Mr. Grunter pre-
served a quiet meditative demeanour, and was occasionally heard
muttering to himself words that sounded like-" Well, we'll see!"
Ah, I shall certainly try it on; yes, and then we shall see," and so
One day, "in the fullness of time," my friend entered Mr.
Grunter's shop, and purchased a pork chop. Grunter waited upon his
customer with great politeness, and when handing the article, care-
fully done up in paper, he said, looking with a sly twinkle in his eye,
"You are going to cook this chop, I suppose, Mr. Bounce ? "
The poet, a little puzzled at the remark, said, "Well, yes; that
certainly is my intention. Yes; my object in purchasing this chop is
to cook it; what then ?" -
Oh, I beg your pardon, sir ; I only wanted to know, you know."
So saying, the butterman politely bowed Mr. Bounce out of the shop.
Grunter followed him home, and saw the chop cooked; for, with an
eccentricity not unfrequently found in the high-class genius, my
friend had a fancy to cook this article of food himself. All was
prepared, and placed upon the table ; Bounce seated, knife and fork
in hand, was ready to begin operations, when Grunter dashed into the
room, and seizing the cooked chop, carried it off with all the speed he
Bletheram Bounce, Esq., sat dumbfoundered. "Whatwas the meaning
of this ? Grunter must be mad." As soon, however, as he recovered from
his surprise, off he went in hot pursuit. On reaching the shop he saw
another customer of Grunter's standing by the counter quietly eating
his cooked chop. The poet was furious, and demanded to know the
meaning of this outrageous conduct, when Mr. Grunter, with a bland
smile, said, "He had only sold Mr. Bounce the chop for the purpose
of cooking it, and he presumed the law of copyright,' whatever that
might be, would give him the power, after it had been cooked, of
using the chop in any other way he chose, and he had not hesitated to
avail himself of that privilege the law accorded him."
Foolish Grunter to fancy that a law which protected the creations
of a man's brain would equally apply to pork chops. He persisted he
was 'right; Mr. Bletheram Bounce told him he was wrong. And
more, that he was a thief The consequence was that a gentleman
learned in the law enforced Mr. Bounce's explanation of the subject by
giving dunderheaded Grunter three months with "hard."
The poor man rejoices."-fTlpper.
PRAT not to me of poverty-its enervating joys-
Such themes may pleasure giddy girls and unreflecting boys;
But I can see no pleasure in misfortune's biting gust,
And scorn the meretricious bliss of living on a crust.
An empty larder may be wild and unexampled joy,
But after half a year or so I fear it's apt to cloy;
I much prefer resplendent scenes and halls of dazzling light,"
And dainty little dishes to entice the appetite.
I'm fond of good society exalted and refined;
I like to ride in carriages whenever I've a mind.
Give me these solid comforts and a rank amid the "upper,"
And destitution's happiness I leave to Mr. Tupper.
Pot and Kettle.
-IN the recent correspondence between the Hon. W. E. Gladstone
and the Earl of Beaconsfield human nature" comes out "rather"
trong. Is it not sad to see two of the greatest-the two greatest-
men of the time as senators bandying words that, but for their polish
and quintessence of bitterness, are really in substance no better than
ve could hear in Billingsgate ? For shame, gentlemen I Put up
60 F Ui T. [Aeo. 7, 1878.
MORAL FROM MACBETH.
I CALCULATE that none can
S. Help feeling sad for Duncan,
When false Macbeth
Achieves his death,
*,* The lesson read who run can;
TV iz., don't accept each strange invite,
'.' '.L ,.And lock your bed-room door at night.
'" .Y Change of Name.
S SOMERSET HousE is to be re-christened
Somersault House in consequence of the
numerous headers" taken from the
S, From Wood Green.
OUR little boy says he knows where the
I -- green wood tree is that his sister is always
singing about; it is in his Noah's ark.
E STHE reason given for the demise of
T T Piccadilly in its last number is awfully
I funny. The change in the weather has
been too tempting. Everyone is going
away. This is the worst of such a staff
Sas ours, which will only work at its own
sweet will.' The Editor would be left
quite alone." We can understand the
staff objecting to work if there are no
of readers, but the Editor's complaint is
a e opposed to all literary precedent. We
d'en.'e V never yet heard of an Editor who objected
1. to be left quite alone.
Sw' M' T r THERE have been numerous splits in the
camp at Wimbledon. a N.B.-Soda splits.)
THE SEASIDE SEASON. QUERY.-Was the Wimbledon beer
Another gentleman who "took his family down." taken down in the rifle barrels ?
THE COMPLETE VEGETABLE MORALIST. not b-lush-ious. Its excesses tell upon its constitution; the Melon is
a bedding-plant, and requires to have its bed warmed, and not to be
called in the morning. The Teetotal, or Water Melon, is, however,
No. XII.-THE MELON. believed to be a completely reformed vegetable. But that is all owing
Or course a Melon is a Lemon. Philologically speaking, the "Lem" to Sir Wilfrid Lawson.
of "Lem"-on is an obviously anagrammatic transposition of the
"Moel" of Mel"-on; Lem' is only "Mel" backwards, and this at
once explains how the sweet mel of the Mel-on has been turned into NEW DEFINITIONS IN LAW.
sour lem-onosity. Everybody knows lemon-choly to be the same kind Cari rie conversation.-Thieves' Latin.
of choly as melon-choly. The Melon is not only a Lemon, but an Writ of attachment.-A love-letter.
apple. The Greeks, who were byno means usually bard-up for words, Collatio bonorum.-A. feast of good things.
declined to have more than one word for apple and sheep, and that Colour in pleading.-A negro barrister.
word was "Melon" (jXpoP). They recognized no fundamental Common pleas.-" Couldn't help it," "Not my fault."
difference between a melon, an apple, and a sheep. They saw that Property by confusion.-Purses prigged in a row.
sheep had a hopeless tendency to stray; they saw, further, that it was Simple contract.-Undertaking to supply a member of the Long
a mnlon-choly tendency; and at once referred it to a manifestation of Firm with goods.
the great melon-choly cause of all straying-viz., the apple, or vege- Lineal descent.-Fall of the clothes-line.
table Appol-yon. The Romans had a far less charitable opinion of the Animals domita nature.--Husbands.
apple than to think of calling it a sheep. They thought the apple Embracery.-Sweethearting.
more knave than fool; and instead of having one word for apple and Socage.-Early childhood.
sheep, they preferred to have one word (malum) to designate Apple and Freehold in futuro.-A castle in the air.
Evil. Marriage of idiots.-Nine weddings out of ten.
Thus the Melon is seen to be a suspiciously-descended vegetable, Judices ordinarii.-Bad-looking judges.
being constructed of apple, lemon, mutton, and malice. It takes after Compulsive loan.-" Your money or our life."
the flesh. The fleshiness of grass is proverbial, but the Melon is the Primary conveyance.-" First cab "
fleshiest of all vegetables. Its flesh is white, red, yellow, or green,
according to what it has taken to disagree with it. It is a sad ex-
ample of the penalties that attach to gormandising. Most of the WHEN does a baby-farmer prove more than a mother to her infant
melons are a shocking sight, their skins being covered all over with charge ?-When she is its (s)motherer.
warts, or else cracked into ribs and furrows; their complexion is THERE seems to have been some difficulty about "The Dear Meat
aldermanic; their habits are freely corporate. The Melon blushes, as Bill." We would suggest that the question be settled by a oi,,
well it may but it blushes inside, not out. If it did not b-lush it could committee.
d i r sheING ON c. Hie be)o show the ovroion o' netrierohso
k--e D O h oe v eb-Ecoh o atitou. o t, ne sre p -oo vart ri-s k ind of
olutely g ne, cocoa. H op Cadbry 'co
t_#_ spen o other Pared Cocoas
fat, it hontai"!Coc ou t Is. 4a .
FOUR Ti ed wo
Dost DELICIOUS I'EveRAGES. THE AMHhUNT
RAPPBERTRY STRAWWItRY, BLACK CURRANT, LIME OF NITRO P
twr. ade ipeity suiable for the SlirT E&ck FES U C. BRANDAUER & C0,'3 New registered -"preaS
Wedding. Chrislmas and Hir hde e Parties, ke., &c. They ING CONS '[. series" of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
weddi or ,ne sAh AedWatr Pints, I.. h I.; TUENTP the & points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
]lalf.oints, lq. Onedosen Pima sentorerriice paidh for wi. the atreri of tationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
Eh oeWn SYRUP OV IIRANO ANDu seleot., the Pattern best suited to your hard.
bejlthy Tle.-" W. JIECKFTT, Heywood, Manchester., oootys rare D-eo-0. Vaubourest. o.e.O .
London Depot: 1M0, Oxford Street, sod all Chbemists iiecare of Wine WORKs. B]oRIeNGAK..
Printed byr UDD a CO., Plhoenx Works, St. Ansrew's M11, Doctors' Commons. and Published (far the Poprietom) at 158, Fleet Street, ,0.--London, August 7, 1Elq
Ato. 14, 1878.]
"'TWAS POST MERIDIAN HALF-PAST THREE."
Grace and Maud (who have been rowed down the river by their admiring relatives):-" WELL, THANK YOU POR PADDLING US IN SUCH CAPITAL
STYLE, AND WE ARE NOW GOING TO CALL ON THE FITZBOODLES AT THE GRANGE, AND LOOK IN AT THE RECTORY, WHERE WE MAY PERHAPS
TAKE TEA; BUT WE SHALL NO DOUBT BE BACK IN AN HOUR OR TWO."
[Dismay of Bob and Cyril, who had looked forward to no end of a time with their fair cousins.
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY.
BY A CONFIRMED IDYLLER.
No. VII.-ALL', FOR-LAWN.
T MUST confess, with some distress,
-1 The doom of single-blessedness
Appears to hover round my head
And mark me for its own.
sB&" L. I should, be glum were that to come,
Although there certainly are some
Who have uncharitably said
The fault is mine alone.
.1 >My wish, they say, for mere display
Alone retards my nuptial day,
But not an item I'll forego
Of all the wedding feast.
SMy bride must place before her face
~A' A veil of most expensive lace,
Her jewelled dress must backward
W A dozen yards at least;
Then noble wines and costly pines,
And meats on which one seldom dines,
The breakfast-table must possess,
The whole of which must be
By dukes (who'll wait," I beg to state)
Served up on gold and silver plate;
And then I won't be wed unless
A BIsHor marries me.
WHICH is the best of tLe four seasons for arithmetic ?-The summer.
MEMS FOR DINNER GIVERS.
BREAD should be cut in squares, but if you do not live in a square,
you may cut it in a street. Pulled bread should be provided for
cheese, but two guests must not pull at one loaf.
An abundance of lights is necessary to the success of a dinner party,
but livers may be dispensed with.
Let the carver have an edge to his knife, that he may not have one
to his temper. However blunt the other knives may be, your right-
principled guests will feel that they must not steal them. If, how-
ever, you suspect any person of appropriating your cutlery, politely
request him to fork out.
The carver ought to distribute the gravy impartially. This does
not, however, apply to splashing.
An authority states that the carver should supply the plates, but
this must be inconvenient when he does not happen to keep an
The same authority directs waiters to remove articles from the table
as fast as they can lay hands upon them, but they will probably more
than anticipate your wishes in this direction without orders. It will
be found economical, as well as convenient, to let the waiters serve
the wine rather than allow your guests to help themselves. For their
own sakes the attendants will take care not to give bumpers.
If there is any dish you do not wish to be touched, direct your cook
to give it an unpronounceable name in the menu. Your guests then will
not like to ask for it for fear of making a mistake.
It is not considered inhospitable to give a guest the undercut.
A carver is often called upon to make cross incisions, but he is not
required to cut into the conversation with cross remarks.
A host always breathes more freely when he knows he has a little
spare room, but a small back parlour will be no advantage to you in
IN peace we invest our own- in war, other people's-capitals.
WHAT fruit is equal to two fish?-The cod-ling.
THE COMPLETE VEGETABLE MORALIST.
No. XIII.-THE RADISH.
THERE are two sorts of Radishes-the horse Radish, and the human
Radish. The human Radish is a hot-headed young radicle, and is
very pungent in the mouth. Like the rest of the Radicals, the human
Radishes are a divided party-they consist of Long-heads and Round-
heads-but they all alike stand on their heads, with their green feet
in the air. This they do because, believing the world to be constructed
upon the upside-down principles of Conservatism, they can get a more
impartial estimate of it when topsy turvy, that being the true right
way up. Many of the radicles display the red colours of Communism,
but some of the turnip-heads are white and colourless, and are called
Whigs. These sorts get woolly or else tough as they get old. The
aged Radish is not venerated. The Radish was originally an Asiatic
vegetable, and its first importation into Europe should have roused as
much opposition as did the importation of Indian troops to Malta.
But to say that we had no more business to bring the Indian troops away
from their home than to transport the Indian Radish from its native
land, though quite true, is very radicle "-ous.
The horse Radish is not a radish ; and it is certainly not a horse. It
is called these two things, both and either of which it is not, in order
that the public may be justly avenged on the market-gardeners for
being asked to call it Arnmoracia rusticana. Though a dumb vegetable,
the horse Radish has a very convincing way of demonstrating its
injured feelings at being scraped. It has a sting which bounds up the
human nose and punctuates it warm. Bullocks won't eat the horse
Radish along with the rest of the grass; for it excites disagreeable
forebodings in their minds, and disturbs their intellects, and unfits
them for the quiet fulfilment of their destiny of roast beef.
There is a nigger Radish, black as soot; and there is a Japanese
Radish that grows on small trees (as most things do in Japan, including
wearing apparel), and grows right way up, Tory-fashion, which, as
before explained, is the upside-down of all true Radishalism.
APRsPos of the Old Stagers at Canterbury, a contemporary says that
Mrs. Leigh Murray and Miss Compton go down. This sounds to us
the least bit premature. If the ladies in question were not to act well
we should doubt if they would "go down."
It is said that Mr. Soutar, having returned from the seaside, has
resumed his duties of stage manager to the Gaiety. We cannot help
thinking this a most Soutar-ble arrangement.
The new piece at the Park Theatre is endowed with the topical title
of The Treaty of Peace. This ought to suit the public all to pieces,"
and be a regular treat, eh ?
The management of the Lyceum will, we understand, shortly pro-
duce Joaquim Miller's play, The Jhanites. When it is produced we
trust it will run for many a day and nights.
At the end of the season at the Royalty, Miss Fowler is said to
have taken an affectionate farewell of her company. Does this mean
that she kissed the male members of her troupe? If so, it would
doubtless have a salute-ary effect.
The Marylebone Theatre has produced a posthumous drama of the
late Watts Phillips, with the title of A Golden Fetter. We expect it
will contain a good proportion of guilt.
The latest novelty at the Grecian is a drama called The Green
Lanes of England. The subject is decidedly a fresh one, and we
doubt not will be .Eaglely relished.
What Next ?
THE latest novelty in photography is the portrait of. a lady taken
in her bathing dress. We cannot compliment this personage on her
gcod taste in dress; in fact, we think she ought to have been "well
shaken before taken," or perhaps after she had submitted to this
ADVICE TO THOSE WHO CANNOT AFFORD TO GO TO THE SEASIDE.-
Make a C at home and then make a dash under it!
[AUG. 14, 1878.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
FROM TROrHONIUS TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
THE CAVE, Wednesday.
EVER-CONSIDERATE EDITOR,-Having landed heavily over Good-
wood by backing Norwich (my selection, you remember), 1 am not
particularly in want of cash, so, if you'll allow me, my dear sir, I'll
refrain from sending copy this week. There is no Sporting Intelli-
gence of any interest to convey, and I have received the enclosed
pressing invitation from an old chum. The prospect he holds out
is too attractive to resist. I am off this afternoon by boat.-Yours
P.S.-If you think of putting anything on the Leger, keep your
eye on Bonnie Scotland.
P.S. 2.-I will send you some grouse.
FROM MR. JOHN HIGGS TO TROPHONIUS.
SHELLING, GLENFUSKY, Aug. 2nd.
You OLD REP oBATE,-I've just rented a fishing stream here,
along with a moor, for a month. There's been nothing but scorching
sun for the last six weeks, so there isn't much of my stream left, and
shooting doesn't commence until the twelfth. The only occupants of
these premises are myself, my landlady (who smokes and snuffs and
talks a gibberish I don't understand), and her son, who is generally
practising the bagpipes. The eatables are vile and the cooking eccen-
tric. The whisky isn't bad, but one has to go next door (which is
fourteen miles away) to get it, and there's no conveyance. I've been
here a week, and I seem to yearn for society; nobody would be fool
enough to come and keep me company but yourself- you'll do any-
thing for money*-so I enclose you a ticket from London to Leith by
boat (which I think preferable to sending cash j). At Leith post-
office you will find a letter containing directions for getting here and
P.0.0. for railway tickets, &c., and I'll tip you half -a-sovereign for
every week you stay. Mind you come, you old hunks; you may
guess how desperately I am in want of companionship when I send
for you.-Yours truly, JOHN HIGGS.
FROM THE EDITOR OF FUN TO Th poTHONIUS.
(By Special Messenger.)
Can't do without copy-set about it at once and let me have it this
evening-all nonsense about invitation-must put it off-can't have
any of your shirking.
Trophonius had left two hours before the arrival of the messenger,
who immediately hurried to the wharf, reaching it, however, only in
time to see the hull of the vessel disappear in the distance. We will
keep our eye on Bonnie Scotland, and we hope for Trophonius' sake
we get those grouse !
FRIDAY NIGHT.-We have just received the following telegram :-
"Trophonius, Awnoddin Station, N.B., to Editor, Fun Office.-Just
arrived here.; big grey hills all round, air damp; only one house and
a church besides the railway station; no conveyance to Shelling ; as
far as I can understand, a man that was here just now is gone to find
something that may do, I think he said it was a ku~dikawrt. I don't
in the least know what that is. More anon."
IT is all very well for Mr. P. A. Taylor to continue his annual
motion for the abolition of corporal punishment in the army, but why
draw the line at the corporal ? Surely the sergeant and the private
should be equally exempt from the lash ?
Tally Ho !
IN reference to Cyprus a contemporary states that there are plenty
of foxes on the island. We might have known that any arrangement
of Lord Beaconsfield's would befoxey in its nature.
AT Dieppe the arrangements of the Casino fetes are to be under the
management of Mr. Bias. Their success would, therefore, seem to be
questionable, since these affairs should always be conducted without
A main ELEMENT."-Salt water.
So I will, sir, there's no denying it.-T.
+ As if I couldn't sell the ticket, if I wanted to cheat.-T.
AUG. 14, 1878.] F U N 63
THE DAY OF REST. and as they didn't like to be wicked and go into the country and
ramble down green lanes and hear the birds singing their hymns, and
"DEAAn me!" said the bishop; "dear me I really think I must as the publichouses were the only places open, they went and sat in
recall some of those missionaries I despatched to Timbuctoo, them all the evening, and, as they got very drunk, had a fight or two
there's certainly more heathenism at home than abroad. The to pass away the time.
idea of requesting me, a prelate of the Established Church, to sign a The bishopdrovehometoluncheon andthentookhis wifeanddaughters
petition for opening museums and picture-galleries on the Sabbath! to the Zoological Gardens, where everybody who saw him bowed to him,
This must be seen to !" And the very next Sunday morning the and said when he had passed, What a good man the bishop is, and
bishop's high-bred horses, in their splendid harness, driven by the how well he preaches to the-the lower classes, you know ? And
stately coachman, drew up with the beautiful carriage, with the the Lord Mayor, who went for a drive round Richmond way with
gorgeous footmen behind, at the doors of a certain church in a dirty some friends, dropped in at the Orl-ns Club, where they made up a
street in the heart of the East-end of London; for the bishop had de- jolly game at pyramids, after they had started the ladies outside to
termined to convince the lower classes how wicked it was of them to play croquet and lawn tennis, and just as the Lord Mayor had got a
want picture galleries and museums opened on a Sunday. And, out ball dead over the middle pocket, somebody mentioned the bishop's
of compliment to the bishop, the Lord Mayor, Aldermen, and Sheriffs, name.
alaoowith fine horses and carriages and servants, attended the church "Ah," said the Lord Mayor what a clever fellow, what a good
in the dirty street, so as to show the vulgar people a good example. fellow he is I heard him preach this morning, and it was delightful
And, afterrthe Lord Mayor and the Aldermen and the Sheriffs, who to hear him impressing, with the full force of his eloquence, upon the
looked, oh, so beautiful! in their furs and gowns and gold chains and common people how essential, how indispensable, it was to their
lace, had called themselves "miserable sinners," and so on, the social, their moral, and their spiritual welfare, that they observed with
bishop,got-up in the pulpit and preached such a lovely sermon I! With due regard the sanctity of the Day of-Rest marker."
the exception of the Lord Mayor's party, the congregation was com-
posed, chiefly, of very poor people who worked from daylight to
dark, from Monday morning to Saturday night, in noisy, close, LAW OF EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYED.
stuffy factories and workshops, often all day by gaslight; wretched A XONTH'S warning does not mean that during a whole month the
soul whose only picture galleries were the print shop windows, to party warning must be giving it, for this would be inconvenient to all
whom, green, fields, and flowers, and fresh sweet air were blessings to parties-especially tea-parties.
be enjoyed once or twice in a lifetime. So, looking down on the sea Livery-servants on quitting service must deliver up their liveries.
of upturned sallow white faces, with deep sunken eyes and pallid lips, A negro footman, having given up his, has no right to reclaim it on
the bishop told them, how, dreadful it would, be to open museums or the ground thai,he has. made de livery.
picture-galleries and such, like. on a Sunday, that it, would involve at The books say that;when a servant buys things for an employer's
each place the labour of perhaps half a dozen people ; and he pointed out use, the master is bound to see them paid for; but 'twere better the
to them that, Sunday being a day of rest, it was very wicked to go master saw that his servant paid for them, which is a very different
rushing about by trains and. steam-boats, and that if they did so they'd, matter.
go to a climate where their temperature's above 1000 in the shade in An action will not lie against an employer for giving an unfavour-
mid-winter. But he didn't tell them about Some One who walked, able character of a servant, but, no doubt, the servant will.
through a cornfield on a Sabbath day a long time.ago and rebuked the:
hypocrites who chid His friends for plucking ewaof corn; perhaps he,
didn't think of that, or oQfHim. The Glass of Fashion.
After the last grand carriagehad rolled away ftomithedirty street WHY is Canada not able to see so well this month as she will be
the poor people went homethinkhing of what the.bishopbhadtold them; next ?-Because she has not her Lorgnette (Lorne yet!)
DEFINI1 I ,
WHAT'S a solicitersA-
One that men visittorI1
Write to when wanting. a loan. e-B f
And what is a barrister F?-
One of Old Harrv's ter- v O E
Restrial corps, Devil's Own." I
What's influenza P- 6
I'll tell you-'tis.when, sir,
Your sweetheart, a pretty Chinee, says:
But for dis heavy dew
Gladly I'd stay vid you,"
And bolts in a volley of sneezes!
Curious Ornithological Facts.
KITEs, by the half-dozen together, have
been seen hovering over Hackney Downs,
and last week a spoonbill was picked up
outside a Cornhill silversmith's. Night-
jars, too, which the local bird-dealers say
cannot be traced to them, are very common
in St. Giles's.
AT the end of the Dee you find the sea,
but ought not the C to come before
A MEMBER Ofi Parliament has written
to a contemporary stating that Major
O'Gorman never smokes. This is peculiar, _
for a gentleman of the Major's colossal -- h-
proportions invariablypufs a good deal.
WHAT the barrister says to his. ease WARDER AND WATER.
when the Long Vacation arrives:-" Brief
let me be !" and the ghost, of his, native Keeper (who looks after the river):-" YEs, BUTr YR CAN'T TELL ME WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
hamlet rises before his eyes. BETWEEN US." Gardener:-" No, I DUNNO."
WHEN cows are themselvesgoodmilkers, Keeper:-" WELL, TKERE AIN'T NO DIFFERENCE, EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE A-WATERING THE
what is the use of employing.dairymaids ? GARDEN, AND THEN I'M A-GUARDIN' THE WATER.
[AmO. 14. 1878.
THE COMPLETE BUILDER.-(BY ONE WHO HAS
No. 7,-1BOLTS AND BARS.
BEEN A TENANT.)
"No!" you say; "'Tma Builder." "Oh, ahl" says the Ironmonger.
Something of this sort 1 Fifty to the ounce."
"Be very careful," he says impressively to his servant, "that you bolt
very bolt at night. Then we are safe."
"Yes," he murmurs to himself, one can sleep with confidence when one knows
that all the bolts are secured I"
"There What a start these 'ere shutters do give yer. I jest put my
finger agin it and down it went and give me quite a turn I "
FUN.-AuG. 14, 1878.
COMPLIMENTS BEFORE PARTING.
Lord B. :-" I TRUST, SIR, THAT AT OUR NEXT MEETING I SHALL NOT FIND YOU SO inebriated with the exuberance of your own verbosity."
Mr. G.:-" ASND HOPE, SIR, THAT you WILL NOT BE SO FRIGHTFULLY INTOXICATED WITH YOUR OWN SUCCESS."
AuG. 14, 1878.1 F U N 67
ROUGH AND "READY."
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL REPORTER AND THE
ON BOARD H.M.S. SIMooM.
I muST tell you, sir, of an experience I had just as I was leaving
Cyprus, because I think it may be of use to my country to know how
the commissariat department of its gallant army works in times of
peace. How it used to work in times of war it will still doubtless
remember, thanks to the Extra Specials who did the Crimean War
four-and-twenty years or so ago. You must know, then, that the very
day before I left Larnaca, three steamers arrived there from Malta
with stores and supplies of all sorts for the troops in our new island.
How badly they wanted them you may judge from the fact that there
was not a single pepper-box amongst the whole of the soldiers, whilst I
know from personal observation that the one Dutch-oven in the camp
at Larnaca was hors de combat with a big hole in it.
You may imagine, therefore, how eagerly the arrival of the steamers
was awaited, and how great a rush there was to the shore on the morn-
ing of their unloading. Every regiment had sent its quartermaster
and a detachment of soldiers to look after its interests, and, as it hoped,
to bring back to it a supply of the numerous articles it required.
Everyone set to work with a will to get the cargoes ashore, and
though there was at first a natural feeling of disappointment when it
was found that the first steamer had brought, seemingly, nothing but
mail-carts, there was no cessation of toil, the prevalent notion being
that something more generally useful would soon be reached.
You may say that surely the captains of the steamers knew what
they had brought in their holds, but indeed they did not; neither, for
that matter, did the commissariat people at Malta know what they had
put on board. They had pitched so many boatloads of miscellaneous
stores on to the decks of the steamers, and that is all they knew on
the subject; so that the process of unloading was as exciting as it
is to dip into a bran pie at a fancy fair when the enterprising dipper
may draw out a pen-wiper, a doll, a wool mat, or a match-box.
By the time we had got ninety-three mail-carts ashore, however,
despair filled the hearts of the less sanguine of us; and when it was
found that the next strata come upon consisted of washing-machines
and pickaxes, something akin to consternation prevailed. Great
credit is due to Sir Garnet Wolseley. At a time when it seemed hope-
less to expect to come upon anything but pickaxes and gun-carriages,
which were brought up out of the hold literally by the gross, this
gallant officer cheerily suggested that the second steamer's cargo
should be tapped. No sooner said than done, and with a hearty cheer
the fatigue parties set to work in a new quarter.
The excitement was most intense, as we awaited the first signs of
the contents of steamer No. 2, and I shall not soon forget the loud
cheer that arose from the eager throng of soldiers and officers as a case
of preserved vegetables and a puncheon of rum swung up into sight.
But, alas I it was a misleading beginning, and the next minute's hopes
were dashed down to zero again as an intimation was received that a
vein of wheelbarrows (without wheels) had been struck. Never in my
life have I seen so many wheelbarrows (without wheels) as were, after
two hours' hard work, ranged along the quay at Larnaca, and never
have I gazed on such chagrin as that with which this interminable
array was regarded by the hungry troops.
By force of contrast the succeeding cases of Id. bottles of hair-oil
and anchovy sauce were warmly welcomed, though, by the quantities
sent of these articles, it would seem that the Malta authorities had
thought that even wheelbarrows might be made palatable if suffi-
ciently soused in them.
It would be tedious, though, to detail all the disappointments and
false hopes experienced ere the discharge of these cargoes was com-
pleted. How what we fondly hoped were sacks of peas turned out to
be pipe-clay; how for three gross of pewter pepper-boxes, ground
cinnamon was sent in mistake for pepper-pods; how beeswax had
been substituted for blacking; and carraway-seeds sent in a sufficient
quantity to sow the whole of the arable land in the island. All these
and a hundred other blunders you must excuse me from dwelling on.
You have heard, of course, that the 93 mail-carts are useless, tent-
pegs having been forwarded with them instead of linch-pins; but
perhaps you don't know that the tents to which these pegs belong have
been sent to the Cape with the linch-pins we are in want of.
Shirt buttons and mottled soap have been sent here in quantities
sufficient to last for the next 33 years at a fair calculation, whilst of
mustard and baking powder there is just enough to last, with economy,
for five days.
Never, in fact, has the commissariat shown itself more utterly
wooden and incompetent. What do you say, for instance, to three
sacks labelled Pearl Barley being found to be full of rusty hooks
and eyes, and five bales of so-called blankets turning out to be emery
cloth F All that one regiment succeeded in securing for its immediate
needs were three dozen boxes of steel pens, a case of tinned lobster,
two 7-lb. boxes of candied peel, and a cask of soda!
But I have said enough to call attention to this serious point, and I
hope the home authorities will take the matter up seriously and at once.
A Faw old letters bound with silken string,
Fruits of a woman's hand, yet bold and free,
The ink all faded, as though Time's sad wing
Had passed the shadow from it on to me.
I take them from the desk where long they laid
Again to scan them, and recall a face,
The motive fair of airy castles made-
The same inhabitant in ev'ry case !
Those day-dreamt buildings, crumbling into air ;
For I was poor, though hopeful, striving on;
When cometh what would make our castles bear,
The occupant we builded for has gone.
Where rests she now ?-if living, does she know
Once more I think of her as wont to do ?
'Hap she is hoping I am happy, so
All I can hope is, she is happy too.
Back to the letters. This, the first she sent;
The diction differs much from this, the last-
The last that I received before I went-
Reiterating love that's dead and past.
And yes this piece of tissue must contain
The golden lock from that bright sunny crown.
Well, let me look upon it once again-
Bah fling them back again-this one is Brown!
IN THE PRESS.
Quite Wrong. By the author of Just Right.
Figs from Thistles. By the author of Honey out of The Rook.
Wreathed Danefs. By the author of A Garland of Hops.
A Bookkeeper's Biography. By the author of the Life of A. Clarke.
Sunday Refreshment for Thirsty Souls. By a Bona Fide Traveller.
A 1?amper of Fish. Companion volume to The Bashet of Flowers.
Six Weeks in a Bed-room. Sequel to Ten Nights in a Bar-room.
Key to Locke. Messrs. Ward and Co.
The Spotter's Son. By the author of The Planter's Daughter.
Feeding the Ducks. By the author of Bread upon the Waters.
The Ring Dropper. By the author of Gems by the WVayside.
Up in a Balloon. By the author of Rising in the World.
Conjugal Courtesies. (Plates.) Sequel to Etiquette of Courtship.
The Stolen Gown. By the Rev. A. Mackonochie.
The Turncock. For Christmas, in the Lamplighter series.
The Alderman in Chains, and How to Carve Him. By the Cz*r of
An Autobiography. (Numerous woodcuts.) By an Ex-Prime
Minister. Independently of its subject, this book is interesting from
the fact that it has been written on post-cards.
IT is said that morphia will not poison apes. We know several on
whom we should like to try the experiment.
FIGURES OF SPEECH.-Imagery.
C F U N [AoUG. 14, 1878.
TO MY MUSE.
MusE, you see the sunny weather P
Look; we have the summer here!
Let's go out of town together;
Don't be lazy, there's a dear !
Somewhere not so very far ;
S- Street and square are sad and lonely.
What a Cockney girl you are I
rpo TILD. EaLondon is Utopia, Missis,
p In the winter-in the spring;
_____ But on such a day as this is,
AI__'T ASE YHome becomes another thing.
Ever blithely, ever gaily,
E And in raptures ever new,
Have I sung its grandeur daily-
S-- Thanks, my tender Muse, to you
." for a O"'ivFresh from London and its praises,
I may steal one song, it seems,
S,- For the buttercups, the daisies,
And the meadows and the stream
hWill the gentle reader credit
Our bucolics second-hand ?
We will try, and yet I dread it-
_We were safer in the Strand.
Out of London I'm a baby;
This attempt is very rash.
I shall make some error, maybe,
'I..'Twixt the elm-tree and the ash.
V I've no other Muse to call on.
A True are you, so true remain,
ELE EP Put your bonnet and your shawl on.
Quick !-or we shall miss the train.
ENGLAND did a grand day's work
In occupying Cyprus.
She helped to re-establish Turk
And from the map to wipe Russ;
SWho will not fail though, if he can,
To meet, when plots are riper, us.
-- For Ears, Batoum, and Ardahan
Are nice sets-off for Cyprus.
"Dining (extra-' ordinary') with
THE Rev. George and Mrs. Prothero, and
Captain Thomson, Her Majesty's iacht Victoria
and Albert, had the honour of dining with the
Queen and the Royal Family yesterday."-Daily
It will be seen from this, that her Ma-
/ jesty's hospitality extends to her "ships"
\ as well as her "shepherds." This is right
for her to do. "She's got the ships,
she's got the men, and gives them dinners,
too." Though it is difficult to understand
how the yacht got its "knees" under Her
t.-- ~ Majesty's "mahogany."
MUST ASK TO HAV'.
(Driver has pulled up for a drink.) Potman :-" Now, THEN, STOUT AN MILD." THE Fauna of Australia is not so unique
oWO'T, SOU oAN D. as has been imagined. In Surrey we have
Testy Old Gent :-" You KNow THIS SORT OF TNG WON' O OR ME." seen a (water) Mole, and Laughing Jack
.Driver :-" OH, WELL, YER CAN 'AVE ANYTHING ELSE TER LIKE, YOUY KNOW; BUT NOBODY asses are common throughout the United
AIN'T ASKED TER WOT YOU'LL 'AYE YET." Kingdom.
Worldly Wise. A Te(a)rrible Trouble.
THE Whitehall Beview and the World are at loggerheads, and the A PUBLIC meeting was held on Monday to settle the question of tare
former journal has stigmatised the Editor of the latter as the Bill on hops. As the season is just commencing it was thought to be a
Sikes" of Journalasm. We wonder why Mr. Edmund Yates has fitting opportunity to decide this weighty matter. For ourselves, we
been thus styled ? Is it because he is uncommonly good at a always believe in an allowance for far wear and tear.
Roland for an Oliver, and is also possessed of a remarkably good
Twist ? MR. PROCTOR'S article in the current number of The Contemporary
Review, "The new crater in the moon," will cause Irishmen to take a
A CoN. FON BEGINWERS. -When is a man like a mountain F-When strong interest in that planet. They will never be able to do without
he's Snowed-on! "a drop of the craytur."
Atu.. 14, 1878.] F IU N 69
SPECIMENS OF CELEBRATED AUTHORS.
BY THE AUTHOR or 93," THE HISTORY or A GRIMEs," &., &c.
QHE was lost! In this world nothing is
J- lost It is only mislaid. She was Miss
Lade: yet she was lost! Where was
she ? She was in London. London is in
England. It is a great city-as large as
Paris It is as hard to discover a person
in London as "to find a needle in a bottle
of hay." This is an English phrase. They
bottle hay, and rack it, like wine It is
made into chaff. The people are .fond of
chaff. The Scotchman lives on oats, the
Irishman on potatoes, the Englishman on
Tom Harry sought her. He wanted to
marry her I He hoped she also wanted Tom
// \ Harry. But he had lost her. He knew she
was in London, therefore he was in London.
He inquired of many. They gave him chaff. He could not find
the needle in it. She was his needle. He was a Pole-an English
naturalized Pole. He would stick at nothing to find her. They
were true to each other as Needle and Pole! but were now as far
apart as two Poles !
CHAPTER IL-CUM GRANo SALIS.
The world is always large. Society is small. But Tom Harry and
Miss Lade were in the world. They were not in Society! He had to
seek her out of Society. Endeavour to catch a globule of mercury in
a drawer. It flies-it escapes-it separates into atoms-it joins again
and rolls away-it is lost-it is found-it is never secured! It eludes
you-it is a demon-a wild spirit that vanishes as you think you grasp
it! So was Miss Lade to Tom Harry He thought that he saw her-
but she became invisible I He could not find her. She found herself-
it was in furnished apartments !
He had a clue But what was a clue in so wilda maze as the great
London ? In Paris the police would have found her. In London
there were, at that time, no police. They were "reserved forces,"
and had been called out in case of war! When so used there are no
police. The authorities then make constables of the prisoners. It is
a maxim of English law, Set a thief to catch a thief." But Miss
Lade was not a thief-except that she had stolen the heart of Tom
Harry I This was not a legal felony-therefore the police could not
catch her I The clue was a piece of paper found in her room in Paris.
On it was written the number 31" and London." That was all!
How to find this number 31 ? That was the problem. Tom Harry
had graduated at Oxford-not Cambridge. This was the error!
A Cambridge man would have been able to calculate the probabilities,
and obtained a result. Tom Harry had to discover her equation.
She was X (an unknown quantity). He was A, but he was + C
(that is minus cash) 1 The postulate was that A-C+B =X. What
was the B in the equation ?-probably a book. What book ?-decidedly
a London directory! He bought one. It is a large book-a heavy
one! He could not carry it-yet it was a necessary work of reference.
Difficulties must be conquered. Man was made to overcome them !
Tom Harry succeeded! He purchased a "single" perambulator-not
a double "-one they double up 1 The leaves of the directory were
doubled down. Therefore the perambulator and the book were in
accord He wheel'd about his book. It was his child!-he had bought
it I They allow this in England, where they sell wives at Smithfield!
He found his way about. This child was his guide Is not childhood
the very best and purest guide to manhood ? and does not manhood
only lead us into a second childhood ? But among all the numbers
" thirty-one," he had not found her! He was in a fog. She was
mist. He was in a London fog It was dark and thick as Erebus!
But he could not see e'er a bus." They could not run; nor could
he. He had lost Miss Lade-he had now lost himself! He asked a
sweeper of crossings where was he ? He was told that he was at the
corner of the Park of Hyde! It was true.
CHAPTER V.-WHAT HAPPENS IS ALWAYS THE UNFORESEEN.
There are dark periods in the history of nations. It is the same
with individuals. It was so with Tom Harry. He was at the Park
of Hyde-at one corner of it It was a place to hide in-hence the
name. Was she hidden there? It was a natural thought. He would
search it, and would find her But how ? He knew not the way!
Here steps in Fate, which governs all things. It was a policeman !
There were only two left of the reserves-one to guard the Tower,
where the Queen resides; the other in charge of Constitution Hill,
which is by the corner of Hyde Park. Under ordinary circumstances
the police of London are not permitted to talk. They are only allowed
to say, Move on! This is the Englishman's watchword The
Americans have the same, in effect; they say, "Go ahead 1" The
policeman in charge of Constitution Hill was absolved from this rule
by an Order in Council. It was an important office. The preserva-
tion of the Queen and Constitution (which is kept on the Hill named
from it) is of the greatest national consequence. Therefore the
policeman was a high official, and allowed to speak. Tom Harry
addressed him, explaining his position and quest for Miss Lade. The
policeman pointed to his collar and the figures on it, exclaimed-" I
am number 31 Miss Lade lodges with my wife The clue was
right! She was found!
TO A CERTAIN M P.
MAucus, with kerchief all awry
And hair unkempt and glassy eye,
And clothes that never fit you,-hence !
Well chosen were you, as I live,
Most fitting representative
Of your unwashed Constituents.
ON Saturday morning a continued disbandment of the Reserves stationed at
Portsmouth Garrison took place, and about a thousand more men were despatched
to their homes. Some 300 of them from the outlying ports of Gosport were
marched to the dockyard to take passage in the Cymra for Dublin. The men
on the march had behaved in a very riotous manner, and just before arriving
at the dockyaid they broke through all restraint," &e., &c., &c.-See the daily
The Reserves being a band of men whom the Queen has delighted to
honour, we are bound in the interest of the service without a-band-on
to give our honest opinion that the men being disbanded were
already loose, and, therefore, in their state of disbandment were not in a
position to break "through all restraint." The public must not judge
of them, either as a trained band under discipline, but rather as "free
lances," doing a little skirmishing on their own account, or at worst,
an awkward squad leading a forlorn hope. Still, for the honour of
all concerned and the peace of sweet Erin, we will pray, From all such
Reserves kind Heaven preserve us.
Whip 'em all Round.
THE controversy between the advocates of Birching versus Boxing
on the Ear continues to rage. It is noteworthy, however, that only
the old boys have spoken in favour of either method of scholastic
punishment. It is distance that lends dimness to their view of bunches
of twigs from the tree of knowledge and applications of the hand which,
if bestowed now, after long yearss of cessation, would probably provoke
the old fogies into taking sides with the Marquis Townshend, and M.
A., Cambridge," who advocate the entire abolition of corporal punish-
ment in schools. Why not have a public exposition of the two systems,
under the patronage of Sir John Astley '1 he experiments to be per-
formed on the persons of the elderly controversialists, the referees to
consist of a committee of schoolboys ? M. A., Cambridge," writing to
the Daily News, draws attention to the fact that, recently three strong
men (or brutes), parson, curate, and schoolmaster, flogged in Berts."
It is singular that wherever such punishment begins it invariably ter-
minates unhappily there.
How to Live for Ever.
IF the members of the Alexandra's Pride Lodge of Good Templars
are desirous of retaining that benign influence over benighted Finsbury
which they are known to possess, they will hasten to secure in per-
petuity the sweet savour which is redolent in the eloquence of Brother
Herring. In order to assist in the rescue of the perishing at Wood
Green, Brother Herring urged that moderation was indefinable. He
was told that before he had been an abstainer for three months he
would be a dead man. He had abstained for nine years, and could not
die for the life of him." We can imagine how the perishing of Wood
Green would grin at this. To them, henceforward, the Tupperian
phrase as dead as a herring will have another and nobler meaning.
IT is said that the Cyprian ladies dye their hair to a fine brown
colour by means of a plant called henna." This accounts for the
climate being pronounced hennavating.
FORGIVE AND FORGET.
Standing Boy (patronisingly) :-" DON'T KNEEL, TOMMY, I'VE NOTHING
TO FORGIVE YOU FOR."
Kneeling Boy (surprisedly):-" WHAT! NOTHINK THEN YOU'VE FOR-
GOTTEN THAT AWFUL LICKING I GAVE YOU ALREADY, HAVE YOU F "
Ax interesting ornithological story comes to us from the South
Coast. A pair of water wagtails, it. appears, have lately built their
nest in a third-class carriage upon the railway, making daily journeys
to and from town, and under these peculiarly moving circumstances
are rearing a young and promising family. The lady wagtail accom-
panies the family mansion on its travels, while her lord remains at the
station, taking up a temporary abode on the telegraph wires, chirping
Here stands a post," and of course sending and receiving telegrams
from time to time as to how the world wags-also how the little
wagtails are enjoying their ride, and when they may be expected home
to dinner. At either end of the journey, Mrs. Wagtail, upon passing
the wicket, is accustomed to say Season," and the ticket-collectors,
no doubt, knowing her to be a wag in her way, merely wag their heads
.and affect to believe the tale. Many speculations have been hazarded
as to the guiding motives of the Wagtail family in preferring to
travel third-class, which happens to be the more remarkable a choice,
inasmuch as, belonging to the genus Motacilla, it has been suggested
that they moght ha' miller enough to travel first. Doubtless, however,
the cares and expenses of a young family are sufficient to dictate the
[AUG. 14, 1878.
A QUEER QUERIST QUERULOUS.
Dizzzr, to ourselves.
HUMPn !! Where's the ducal coronet
That Bizzy promised I should get ?
What P only win a garter
For all my trouble and my toil
In snatching Cyprus for a spoil
And chaining up a Tartar !!!
Then there's that bugbear Gladstone, too,
And his "inebriated" crew,
With "devilish" intentions,
Flinging their firebrands into Greece,
And mouthing in the face of Peace
About insane conventions."
And Derby even he must try
To dab his finger in the pie
And poison all the gravy;
Say nothing more about it, FuN,
We've done our best for everyone,
The Army and the Navy."
P.S.-Carnarvon now is ill at ease !-
Well, were I Mephistophiles
At Brumdemonium's "caucus,"
With Sal to play the Belial part,
We'd overturn their apple-cart,
Though Johnny strove to baulk us.
A Waity" Notion.
An enterprising manager has determined to do away
with the long "waits" between the acts of pieces at
his theatre; and he is making arrangements, we hear,
by which the audience will be treated to Christmas
waits between the acts instead. We think it well to
prepare the public for this coming terrible blow 1"
WHAT is a bare-faced lie ?-A truth clean shaven.
WHERE MODEL MEN AND WOMEN MAY BE FOUND.-
At Madame Tussaud's.
of everything at the seaside, especially lodgings, to say nothing of
their discomforts and the rapacity of lodging-house cats, accounts
clearly enough for Mrs. Wagtail's preference for being always on the
move. The story, on the whole, is interesting from a scientific point
of view, as establishing the fact that the water wagtail is a bird of
passage-that is to say, of passenger trains.
Josephine, to her Bold Captain of the 5th West York
I'vE got thy gold and thou may'st go,
I've made thee pay for saying No" ;
Had'st thou said Yes thou'd'st kept thy money,
But I'll not quarrel with thee, honey.
TaE Dead Sea is very salt, but on the coast of Kent you can find
NOTICE !-Next week,
THE HOLIDAY DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN.
PD........... T. .... .... A..N T T .)..
mr cnmcreocovynce, w e t e scan a ous y gh pr ce I uOFUSELY LLUSTRATED.-ONE ENNY.
mCadbury', CocalBlooks below show the proportion orn altropenous
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aollutely genuine ICocoa -
ty d Homaeopathie Cadbury'sCocom F~ance.
bythe emov Pe Ia Iet Ie
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bno a o otei her retaied at
SUIT ALL oR IIM FSttaed at I I.r-I 4d
HANDS. Per T AOUTbout 8d .
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PATTERNS, up ro Wom. ILL UIT XLLowa = UFTS than
the average ofI
cold by all Statinoers. |d.., ad sGross Boxes Send 7 stames for an otherCoa-hlb
assorted sample box to John He ,h 70 Gerre street, o rminehaom a r tid irh Pa Depoe:-90. Faubouorg 64. Hoe.o.-
Sole Wholesale London Agents--3. J.P OWEVLL & Co., 101, Whaechapel, E. Iogarand tarch. Be wae of Imitations.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons and Published (for the Proprietors) at 163, Fleet Street, E.O.-London, August 14, 1878.
Avo. 21, 1878.] F U N 73
THINGS THEATRICAL. If Mrs. Yokes had a good deal to say on the occasion it is not
THE popular Gaiety has re-opened under the management of Mr. surprising, as her wardrobe was utterly destroyed.
John Bollingshead, who has done so much for the comfort and con-
venience of theatre-goers. As a further proof of his desire to please An a Bridge'd Sentence.
his patrons, he has not only engaged eminent artistes inside the theatre, FRANCES MATTEY was fined 40s. on Saturday last at the Hammer-
but outside the house also smith Police Court for keep-
he has a shiinig light. ing a baby-farming estab-
At the Opera Comique VIEWS OF POPULAR SEASIDE PLACES lishment contrary to law.
a new satirical sketch VIEWS OF POPULAR SEASIDE PLACES. The defendant is described
against the China mania as aged and infirm, but we
has been produced by Mr. think she was old enough
George Grossmith, entitled to know better than half
Cups and Bauecrs, which starve and neglect the
suits the audience to a i i children she engaged to
Tea- nurse, as it was proved she
Messrs. Chas. W\nilmott b had done. It is certainly
and Clarence Holt will .. a fine idea to let her off with
ortl re-openthe Duke's. the payment of forty snhil-
Mr. Bolt's reputation as -I_-gI lings-a sentence, we main-
a tragedian is undoubtedly tain, utterly inadequate for
suggestive that this house ;'j_ the crime of this old bear,
may once more be found -whom we would severely
doing a legitimate business, punish as a Nurser .Mfajor,
and as Mr. Wilmott has though by no means one of
long been the proprietor the heavenly order.
of the Occidental Tavern, -
he certainly ought to un- A-peer-ent to all.
understand the puble taite. IT seems that the local
Mr. Byron's new piece pronunciation of Beacons-
for the Haymarkcet will be field is Beckansfield, hence
entitled Conscience-morney. the familiar nickname of
This ought to be a success, Becky." Of course those
for the Exchequer always who thought it originated
benefits by conscience- from the Premier's simi-
money. BROAn STARES (sTAIRs). clarity to the heroine of
Lord Newry has taken Vanity Fair cannot be
the St. James's, and Mr. censured, for if the noble
and Mrs. W. H. Kendal earl is "Becky" by name,
will, it is said, be his he is "Bharpe by nature.
tenants-at-will. The lady
ought to make a splendid
manageress, for she would Singular Sympathy.
always have a Will(Kendal) WAITING for dinner
of her own. mal-es the saliva acid, and
The great success of it has a similar effect upon
Queen's Evidence is mainly the temper.
due to the water scene, SOOTHING THOUGHT.-If
which is said to be the most wish to a our debts,
thrilling sensation ever ve paid them. Your
witnessed. Naturally, in a you ha- s cannot deny that
look scene, everyone would -c-rehditors cnn denyt
be on the qui-vive." there has been pay-meant.
The fire at Mr. Fred A RAILWAY REFLECTION.
Yokes' residence last Mon- -The lamp may be dim;
day burnt out the rear of I -nevertheless, it is not
the house. This is a fact, pleasant to have a pair of
he was early burnt out. PEG WELL. snuffers in the carriage.
rAro. 21, 1878.
GOING FOR A HOLEDAY.
JTols :-" WELL, BROWN, AND WHAT SORT OP QUARTERS HAVE YOU GOT ? "
Brown (who is only able to get a miserable stuffy dirty back bedroom) :-" QUARTERS YOU CALL IT, MY BOY ; COME AND SEE IT-WHY, IT'S A
SOME VERY UNCOMMON OBJECTS OF THE SEASIDE.
Naviculator verax.-The truthful boatman, who doesn't say he's
going to sail directly.1
Agrestis non dissimulans.-The landsman who doesn't affect to be
Vu'gus remex experlus.-The cad who knows how to manage a boat.
Cancer offabilis.-The obliging crab that walks into the pocket-
handkerchief spread open to receive it.
Virgo placida.-The young lady who waits her turn for the bathing
machine, and never declares she was there first.3
S.tiatus puer.-The little boy who knows when he has had enough
refreshments of all sorts.4
Puella provida.-The young lady who has got a bit of baccaa about
her when a poor boatman asks her for it.
Bealus nauta.-The poor boatman who has got some baccaa of his
Turba miserata.-The pitying crowds who sympathise with the
sorrows of Channel voyagers.
Verus E.,:hiopie eantator.-The true melodist of Ethiopia.5
Civis candidus.-The cockney cad who doesn't pretend to be any-
Comis orientalis.-The courteous East-ender, who forbears to say
" Whoa Emma every time he meets a lady.
Mendaculi fidelissimi.-The mendacious friends who, after fibbing to
each other in town about going on the Continent, meet on English
sands and embrace.
Paterfamiliasfelix.-The contented family man who doesn't want to
get back to town.6
Viator pclaabilis.-The easy-going visitor who doesn't grumble at
Cimex indigena.-The native nuisance that wasn't brought down from
I Very uncommoner. 2 Most uncommonpst. 3 Quite too awfully uncommon.
Uncreated. 5 Quite unknown.
Takes a lot of finding. 7 Supposed to be now extinct.
Populi recti. -People who really come down for the sea air.8
Populi non relegens ludum.-People who don't read our seaside
"HONOUR TO WHOM HONOUR IS DUE."
A prince can mak a belted knight,
A -a- quis, duke, and a' that;
But an honest man's abion his might,
Guid faith he miuna fa' that.-Burns.
What stronger breatplate than a heart untainted !-Shakespeare.
(DERBY to CARNARVON.)
GOOD MORROW how dost fare, my lord ?
There's nothing like good honest dealing,
And as thy views with mine accord,
I fain would share thy fellow-feeling.
I own at once for two such men
Inaction is acutely painful;
But is it not consoling, when
We no more suffer the disdainful ?
(CARNARVON to DERBY.)
I thank thee much, my noble earl,
For all thy generous thoughts about me.
The flag that we elect to furl
Is stainless, and thou wilt not doubt me
If I predict the day will wake
When those who branded us with treason
Will laud us that we did not make
The worse appear the better reason."
DERBY. And yet I feel inclined to chafe.
CARNARVON. For that, my lord, I cannot chide thee.
DE BY. But in mine honour I am safe.
CARNARVON. Then take the good the gods provide thee."
I These are the true mermaids and mermen of society, held by many to be
Specimens may be sent to 153, FleeL-street-earria-e paid.
AUG. 21, 1878.]
F1"UN. 75 -
"A COMPLETE REST FOR THE
I LN, WA \
" My love,"' aid the overworked Poet, the brain grows weary;
" So, here is the Railway time-book; let us see where
we can go, and when."
So he just settled himself to puzzle the matter out, and -
all b:a'n-lah-ur, a-id give the brain a month's complete rest."
" Ah I here is a train which leaves London at 9 a m., and arrives at Hoibourmouth two hours
before; and here is another which catches another w which starts long before it arrives; a- d
here is another which leaves London at 1 p m., and arrives at the middle ot its journey
at 12 30 p.m., calling at the end of its journey on the way; and here's--.
"Hullo I" he said, suddea'y; "why, the month's up, and I mutt return to my work;
but I've given my brain a i ice rest."
I7'.- F IFU ^.
"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS."
First Yokel:-" WHAT BE THEE DOING OF, JEAMESP"
Second ditto :-" NOTHING. WHAT BE YOU P"
First ditto :-" MINDING THE CHILDREN."
Second ditto :-" WHERE BE THEY ? "
First ditto :-" DANGED IF 01 KNOW.''
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
TaoPHONIus IN THE HIGHLANDS-A MIDNIGHT RID--A HUNGRY
ARRIVAL-PRBPARATIONS FOR GrlOUSB-SHOOTING.
MY DEAR BUT SASSENAca EDITOR,-I beg to enclose you the following
DIARY OF MY LIFE IN IHE HIGHLANDS.
Friday, August 9th.-The Xuddikairt has come round (it is a donkey-
cart, and should be spelt, I have since discovered, "cuddy cairt ").
Its owner agrees to drive me to Sheiling therein for ten shillings. It
is the whole sum I possess, but perhaps Higgs will "part" when we
arrive. It is growing dark as we start. After a while the driver and
I are silent. Conversation is not carried on under favourable circum-
stances when the parties to it have to repeat each sentence several
times before they can make themselves understood-it is, in fact, rather
tiring : we drop it after the first half hour, and I fix my attention on
our road. I soon discover it to be very hilly and not altogether free
from boulders, consequently our journey consists of a series of rushes
down hill-during which I am in danger of pitching head-foremost on
to the "cuddy's" back-alternated by slow scrambles up-during
which I have to cling to the "cairt" like grim death to avoid
slipping out behind. There is an up" precipice of an unknown
height on our left, and a down" precipice of an unknown depth on
our right, which makes turning a corner at the bottom of a hill exciting.
Every now and then we jolt and sway across a rustic wooden bridge,
devoid of railing, under which a rush of white water roars from the
unknown height to the unknown depth. I am cold and hungry and
sleepy, and my portmanteau is not a comfortable seat. Nothing breaks
the silence but the rattle of our wheels and the patter of the "cuddy's"
feet. The tall firs are solemn and gloomy. Visions of riversr"
and "caterns,"-which I believe to have been a kind of robbers-tales
of travellers lured to mountain fastnesses and robbed and held to
ransom flit before my mind's eye. I steal a look at my companion.
He is burly and strong-we are far from human habitation-and I am
an old, old man, weak and defenceless. True I have little that is
valuable in my possession, but how do I know what is without value to
a Scotchman ? Even as I gaze he seems to loom large and terrible,
then he waves about and becomes indistinct; there is a low rumbling in
my ears-I hope we are on the right road- *
I wake with a start. We have stopped, and the driver is leaning
over me! What is he saying? Is he demanding my money or my
life ? If I could only get at that gun that I have borrowed for the
[Auo. 21, 1878.
DOTS BY THE WAY.
Now Parliament's closed and the season is done,
Each M.P. is glad of a rest;
The fearful quick pace that the Session has run
Has tired out the strongest and best.
The worry, the rancour, the wear and the tear,
And all the long speeches are o'er,
Now every member is free from his care,
And off to the moor" or the shore."
Away to the shooting, the fishing, and all
The fun that gives joy to our life ;
There lazily loitering forget the shrill call
That summons them on to the strife.
Where parties contend with fierce battle of words,
And sit till the dawn of the day;
How glad they must feel; while they slaughter the birds,
From strife in The House they're away.
THE NAVAL REVIEW,
THE elements, so legends say,
Would not the Danish king obey,
And Spithead's maritime display
Shews equal churlishness to-day
To Royalty's accustomed sway.
That they should say so sternly Nay "
To prayers from pens and lips;
That rain and haze should intervene
Thus to spoil what was to have been,
Marring the programme and the scene;
For, as our readers all have seen,
The ships did not sail past their Queen,
But, hiding bravely her chagrin,
The Queen sailed past her ships.
A LAWYER'S RoUTE.-Via Sligo.
shooting Hush! Way're theer," he says. With some difficulty
I discover that he means we have arrived at our destination. I take
a look round and find we are in front of a long low one-storied house,
thatched and white-washed. The windows are dark, and everybody
appears to be in bed, but a faint wailing sound proceeding apparently
from the back of the premises, falls upon my ear, recalling my native
City-road, where I see in imagination a hard-featured young
woman in a kilt who dances the sword-dance to gentle strains,
discoursed by a gaunt highlander. Some one is practising the bagpipes.
We make for the sound, and rattle at the back door. We rattle for
several minutes without effect. The pipes are deafening, and I am
rapidly growing frantic, when there comes a lull. We rattle
desperately and long, and with better success. A red-headed youth
opens the door. From him I learn that Higgs has been in bed since nine
o'clock, so I have to pay for the cuddy cairt" myself after all-I
hope its owner will enjoy his ride back There is nothing to eat, I
find, except a half basin of cold oatmeal porridge and a couple of
tough cakes the youth calls bawps," and I am nearly dying of
hunger It's too bad of Higgs, but there's nothing for it but bed I
suppose. The aspect of my room somewhat mollifies me; it is neatly
furnished and of decent size; the dressing table is well appointed, the
mattress is "spring," and a comfortable dressing gown reclines upon
an adjacent, chair. This is really very attentive of Higgs. live
minutes more and I am fast asleep.
Saturday, 10lt.-Woke to the sound of pipes. Higgs very grumpy
at breakfast-says I ought to have been here on Monday, no good
coming now-lot of fellows coming to-night for the shooting. Don't
like to mention the ten shillings for the cuddy cairt." It seems that
bed-room wasn't 'meant for me either, (I've seen mine, it's a sort of a
loft, with slanting roof-hope nothing startles me in the night as if I
sit up rather suddenly my head and the ceiling will come rather
sharply together.) We set to cleaning guns for Monday. Higgs seems
surprised that I have brought one. The red headed youth has gone
somewhere for eatables. Higgs says I'd better cook the dinner
to-night as people are coming. I didn't bargain to wait at table
though and not have mine till after. He says I d better not come into
the smoking room either, as his friends are particular who they mix
with! Dash his impudence! I'd go back at once, but I've no
money. Perhaps the grouse will make up for it-I've made rather
advantageous arrangements with a London poulterer.
I'll let you know how I get on next week. Meantime I should say
Cyprus is a good investment for the Leger.-I am, &c., ToPreoNius.
FUJ .-AouST 21, 1878.
/ ,//.... ..>
AFTER TBE SESSION.-COOLING THEIR NAUGHTY LITTLE TEMPERS.
Mrs. Britannia :-"NOW THEN, DfTUCEY, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."
ni 'I, )
AUG. 21, 1878.]
SEASIDE SONG T
BY A LOITERE
-- y *s -6 1, I
That's not all scale or tail P
Alas I fear my only love
Is very like a whale.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL REPORTER IN THE ISLE
WHEN asked to furnish you with some brief reminiscences of the
South Coast watering-places, sir, I at once determined to refresh my
memory by a flying visit; so I took a cab, which is the next thing
to taking a fly, you will admit, and told the Jehu to drive me to
Margate jetty. He could not have been more surprised if I had told
him to drive me out of my senses; but after some explanation, aided
by the exhibition of untold gold in my carpet bag, he undertook the
job, and after adventures, which I reserve for my book on the "Inner
Life of a Cabbing-it Correspondent," he put me down at
Where I at once took measures to put up at the Royal. I found
this favourite watering-place much as usual, though on the whole,
perhaps, a little more so ; and I say a "little more so," because it is
quite possible to have a big mor-ceau. The water, as it generally is
off the pier, was of a "jetty" green,.and the breezes blew, whilst
the numerous copies of this journal I saw on the pier were as un-
doubtedly read, as the cockney, whose hat blew off into the sea, was an
Such colourable suggestions, however, are not what you want, I
expect, and I must confess I myself felt tempted to begin an ode to
the place, had I not been summarily stopped by conscientious scruples
as to the legitimacy of making Margate rhyme with target."
To fall back on prose-not rugged prose like Carlyle's, thank good-
ness !-I will at once add that Margate was fall, though not so full as
I have known it. There was that memorable season, for instance,
when, after searching for sleeping quarters-for even in those days,
sir, I did nothing by halves-for weary hours, I had to choose
between a billiard-table and an oyster-bed, whilst my friend had to
be content with a top long drawer, the crib that had been offered
him having turned out to be anything but voluminous, although it
was a volume from Bohn's Classic Authors, translation series.
The great guns of Margate are naturally found at the Fort, the
lodging-letting garrison of which would doubtless charge a foreign
invading force as boldly as they do their fellow-countrymen. All the
Margaters, indeed, try to make their Haul by the Sea, or out of it;
and, not content with thus turning the C to account, they also
make their "A," as they call it, whilst the sun shines.
My landlady went so far on one occasion as to charge me extra for
candles every time I had a "dip." This system of extortion soon
drove me away, and, though I had not then, as now, a cabman to
drive me, there was a growler in each case, and in each case that
growler came in due time to
There was a time when the East Cliff at Ram's-gait was very
much like a sheep's walk. Nous avons (that is, Mr. Davis and I) change
tout cela, and there is no English watering-place that can show any.
thing equal to the Granville and its Marina. "Ah," thought I, as I
drove up to the door of the hotel just named, people no longer come
to Ramsgate for merely Thanetary reasons." Thus musing, two
liveried servants came out and begged to be allowed to assist me to
0 A BELOVED ONE.
iR ON THE BEACH.
Y love is like the red, red
The red, red shrimp we buay,
Bat if you would the reason know,
I cannot tell you why.
My love is like the firm, firm cod,
That in the streets they sell,
Bat pray don't ask me to explain,
I really cannot tell.
My love is like the flat, flat sole,
Che sole so nice when fried,
But ask me not to tell you why,
I couldn't if I tried.
My love is like the gay, gay crab,
That backwards makes its way,
But where is the similitude,
I really cannot say.
asT whfTa-to ois likfr
"Thank you!" I replied; "I never smoke before dinner!" and
the liveried ones at once spread the news that your extra-special re-
porter had arrived, and begun to let off his quips already.
Staying in the hotel long enough to convulse the excellent manager
with my jokes-several sodas also split in consequence of my face-
tiousness-I went down to the sands, and began taking notes behind
a bathing-machine. The rumour at once got about that I was Mr.
Frith making sketches for a new picture of Ramsgate sands ; and all
the girls began, forthwith, to assume elegant attitudes, and say,
"prunes, potatoes, and prisms!" to themselves, whilst a wandering
vocalist remained shaking on an upper note till he almost choked.
But as you are aware, sir, I am not a painter-as I told you on that
memorable occasion when you desired me not to darken your office-
door again-and what I was doing behind the bathing-machine was
simply to pour out my soul in verse, thusly:-
Once again the poet stands
With his feet on Ramsgate sands,
And he sees in rows of chairs
People sit in groups and pairs,
Gazing on the ocean blue,
Listening to the niggers, too,
Posing for their photograph,
Midst a show'r of harmless chaff ;
Watching men the rope-trick try,
Whilst they nuts and ices buy;
Laughing, chattering, who but they,
Whilst their olive-branches play ;
Now endeav'ring shrimps to grab,
Chasing now the bow-kneed crab,
Digging ditches, building forts,
Castles raising, making ports ;
Burying their papas in sand,
Riding donkeys down the strand;
Happy in their elfin glee,
Oh, that one of them were he
Who with pain and pencil stands
Watching them on Ramsgate sands !
Pardon me, sir, for dropping a tear at this juncture; but the sight
of an urchin throwing sea-bottles at his nurse was too much for me.
It was my favourite amusement as an urchin; and I longed to seize a
spade and fall to work making sand Cypruses with the rest, till, at
last, quite overcome, I rushed back, and, getting into my cab without
calling the driver, was driven back to London by the force of my
SONNET ON THE SHINGLE.
TBE waves roll in with a solemn sound
And the shingle rattles down the
The urchin builds him a sandy mound,
The sun sinks low in the far, far west,
And the gold gleams glint o'er the opal
While she that is fairest and dearest and
Is silent and tremulous close to my side.
The young moon flickers across the wave,
Our tongues cannot utter the thoughts
Our voices are dumb as the silent grave,
As we gaze in amaze in the fathomless skies.
But the wind blows cold o'er the starlit sea,
And we think we'll go home and have shrimps for tea.
Oh Law !
Ix sentencing the call boy, Tucker, who was charged with stealing
90 from the Opera Comique, the Bow-street Magistrate thought fit
to make some remarks which, to our thinking, hardly fit the case.
Mr. Vaughan said he awarded the lenient sentence of 21 days'
imprisonment because the prisoner seemed "a sharp, promising lad."
A boy who succeeds in embezzling so large a sum from his employers
may possibly be sharp, in fact, comparatively speaking, he is a
sharper, but we should hardly consider him a promising lad, judged
by his recent performance. We have no wish to carp at justice being
tempered with mercy, but your raison d'etre, Mr. Vaughan, Vaughan't
do; it looks as though the injunction to indiferently administer justice
had been too literally obeyed.
A slight AQUAINTANCE-One who cuts you in the street.
My love! Oh
82 FUUN. [AUG 21, 1878.
_- MY PRINCE'S COMB.
Br ANGELINA GUSHINGTON.
"The Shell Comb supplied for the use of the Prince last Friday
is for sale."-Bristol Plaper, July, 1878.
I HA.E it! my Beauty! my Treasure I
My Prince's own tortoise-shell comb !
My happiness nothing can measure
Except by this Pride of my Home !
-My heart ever joyfully blesses
The chance that enables me now
To use the same comb for my tresses
That circled round Royalty's brow.
I found-and it fully convinces
My reason, that Fortune is kind!
Ze Some hair (guaranteed) of the Prince's
bA-- The teeth of my Treasure entwined
cStill deeper this dipped in my pocket-
I loved with the money to part;
SI've got them enshrined in a locket,
And wear it just over my heart.
One only possession would heighten
My joy in the relic I've got !
How greatly my life it would brighten
Had I-but alas I have not-
His BRUsHEss! 0 could I but get them!
I'd gladly pay anything down i
And promise I never would let them
Touch aught but the hair of the Urtown.
THE RESULT OF "EDUCATION."
Dizzy had a little flock,
As all of you must know,
And sure wherever Dizzy went,
That flock was sure to go.
FOen the advertising columns of a contemporary we
S/tslearn that a west-end hairdresser supplies artificially
perfectly natural-looking eyebrows, 21s. the pair, for-
warded on receipt of P.O.O. with colour desired."
BUSINESS BEFORE PLEASURE. After this who shall say that "Nature is above Art" ?
Juliet :-" WON'T Yv WALK DOWN TOWN WITH ME It is very sad to think that after admiringthe wondrously
Romep:-" COULDN'T THINK OF IT, MY LOVE; I'YE OOT TO DO THIS PIPE- arched brows of some fair (or dark) damsel that her very
AND ANOTHER! archness is false.
FUN'S GUIDE TO THE SOUTH COAST. and beach, with rabbits enough to make it a thriving burrow right away.
SIt has its country-lanes, also, its apple orchards, its native oysters, and
[N.B.-We are only able to furnish a few extracts from the forth- its rose-embowered cottages, most suggestive of a cottage-loaf to the
coming work which will, in so many Fundamental particulars differ lazy.
from all existing guide-books.-ED. FUN.] To attempt to hail an omnibus in this peaceful island would be use-
HASTINGS. less, but you can be hailing ships all day long, if you like. 'Ihe
(Hotels : THo tell them not, there's such a lot. Four-horse breaks original inhabitant of this charming spot used to spend his time in
leave daily for Fairlight Glen and Lover's Seat. But do they come doing so, nded, thence it got to be called aylg Island; and a
back, that is the question, or break up en route, and branch?) Hayling island is most certainly to be preferred to an ailing main-
We cannot consider this town from a sanatory point of view, for it lad.
returns two Liberals to Parliament, but there is a camera obscura on THE EXCU RSIONI TS
the pier from which it may be considered from any otherpoint of view THE EXCURSIONITS.
for fourpence (children and the working classes half-price.) A SETCHc AT A WELSH WATERINGO-PLAC.
Judging by the fuss it has lately made about its railway station, its CRimsoN and olive-green the seaweed lay
lines have not fallen to it in pleasant places; but it has a Prince On wet grey boulder,
Albert Memorial and a Russian Gun, which must be seen to be believed. Two lovers lingered in the sunlit bay,
Its pier is a noble one, with a concert hall at its extremity-a Hall Her rest, his shoulder.
on the Sea, in effect, the building being made waterproof by the free Leftwards the crags stood out so bold and grim,
use of concert-pitch. And reft asunder;
Amongst its many sources of interest are the shares of the above Rightwards the purple mountains, tender, dim,
pier company, its ruined castle (in very bad preservation, although With soft mists under.
thousands repair there every season), its Aquarium capital (as well as Silent they sat, all steeped in deep content,
its capital Aquarium), and its fisherman's quarter in the old town. In love unspoken,
HFanned by a breeze which bore the seaweed scent,
HAYLING ISLAND. The sea's love-token.
(Hotel: There is but one, so you can't miss it.) 0 I
Unless you have been to Havant the chances are that you haven't The wavelets warned them, as they rose and fell
been to Hayling, for it is at Havant you change for the healthy and O'er seaweed slender,
happy island in question. Hayling, indeed, ought to be the reigning That time and tide were bidding them farewell
favourite amongst those who like health and strength and rural plenty In accents tender!
and solitude, combined with a splendid sea and an expanse of shore, He started up and scanned his watch with pain!
on which all the children in Hampshire might be turned out to play in (Alas, poor lovers!)
safety. They few, in haste, lest they should miss the train,
Bournemouth has its fir trees and Hayling Island has its furze also Like startled plovers!
AGo. 21, 1l78.]
.' NAME AND FAME."
Child:-" MA, DEAR! WE MUST BE GREAT PEOPLE! HERE IS OUR NAME UPON A BOAT!"
Ma :-" YES, DEAR ; THE OWNERS SELECT THE NAMES OF 'GREAT' OR 'FAMOUS' PEOPLE FOR THEIR BOATS, AND THE DARLINGS' HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN THEIR GREATEST PETS.'
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY.
BY A CONFIRMED IDYLL!R.
No. VIII.-TOTO CHEZ TATA.
THE change in me (they said)
T was plain
When first I saw La Belle
I' "His former haunts" (they said,
No longer serve to claim him."
(And if, as ancient tales aver,
That Paris ran away with her,
"With that proceeding I concur,
'[M And anything but blame him.)
I also loved with all my soul
i A person called La Perichole
I saw her, and the sight the whole
Of pale existence coloured.
Then I'd a passion little less
For one they styled La Grande
(And I perceived, I must confess,
In Fritz, a hopeless dullard).
I've lastly felt my longings go
Towards a Madcap thing I know,
Whose gentle words in music flow
Staccato and con moto ;
And if you say I'm false for this,
And call her an unworthy miss,
Then I with haughty emphasis,
Deny the thing in Toto.
MEDITATIONS AT THE CAT AND DOG SHOW.
SHOULD it rain cats and dogs, 'twill be a catastrophe.
Is there not partiality shown in furnishing visitors with a cat-alogue
Why two judges for cats, and only one for dogs ? However, in
him, the very De'il (Dalziel) has come to judgment.
There are large cats here, but none, methinks, large enough to have
needed to be conveyed to the Show in separate compartments."
Considerate arrangement.-" Suitable pens" are provided for the
cats and dogs-doubtless that they may write to the secretaries if they
have any complaint to make.
Many young persons are present. Will it foster their love for
tidiness to find that prizes are offered for litters "?
How much like a strong-minded maiden-lady is that contemplative
Surely the Rev. W. K. W. Chafy-Chafy, when he sent in that
name as an exhibitor, should have written it Chaffy-Chaffy.
Of Mr. Hurry, who takes the first prize in the first class, it may be
said that he hurries to the front.
Long-haired Sankey looks moody.
Of all the cats, methinks, the Manx are the most amiable. They
bear no tails.
Mr. Plummer's short-haired cat, which will take water for rats,"
must, I should imagine, be either purblind or insane.
Ladies, as a rule, detest snub-noses; how is it, then, they make
such pets of pugs ?
Complain not of the voices of the cats. You cannot deny that they
make you mew-sick.
For him who needs to be toned up the dogs provide their bitter
THE recent row between the Vice-Chancellor and Mr. Glasse, Q.C.,
was of course highly discreditable to both. The Vice-Chancellor's
rage was, it seems, something terrific, and when he left the court he
looked just as though he had had a Glasse too much.
84 -U tT [AUo. 21, 1878.
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. SCATTERBRAIN.-NO. IV.
Mr. S. is beguiled into buying a goose. Which he finds rather heavy Here's a shilling for you, my boy, to The a-zamuffin does so-to the
to carry. take this home. delight of his aged parent.
[P.S.-AMr. S. had quite forgotten to give his address.
A HOLIDAY HYMN. BY 31ACAULAY MINOuR.
Now glory to Her Majesty, from whom all glories are !
And glory to Lord Beaconsfield, who wears the blue gar-tar !
Now let there be the merry sound of music on the piers,
Let yachtsmen spread their canvas with no dread of privateers.
Again let rapture light the eyes of all our muslin'd daughters,
And let our children shout with glee while paddling in the waters.
Let Scarborough and Ilfracombe send up a welcome gay
To all the happy visitors who want a holiday !
And let us take a holiday ; our energies relax ;
Nor dreading war as imminent, with bloated income-tax.
Come gaily to the seaside all, a holiday enjoy ;
No foe to paralyse our trade, our interests destroy.
Hurrah Hurrah Lord Beaconsfield's averted it so far,
Hurrah! for our Deliv'ry and the Knight of the Gar-tar !
Oh how our hearts were beating when, not long ago, in June,
We wondered whether German bands would play another tune.
If autumn would as usual behold us on the piers
Enjoying balmy breezes all devoid of care and fears ;
Or witness many happy homes a prey to grief and pain,
Deep mourning for the darling ones they'd never see again.
And when the Congress met, with its antagonistic aims,
Wilh Russian, Austrian, and Greek, Roumanian, Turkish claims,
We saw the turban'd Pacha brood, the curses of their land,
And Gortschakoff was in the midst, a goose-quill in his hand ;
And as we looked on them we thought of Lom's empurpled flood,
Of Osman Pacha's wounded foot all dabbled with his blood ;
And then we thought no holidays for us, this year, there are,
But trusted in Lord Beaconsfield, the Knight of he Gar-tar !
Von Bismarck came from Kissingen where he'd been taking rest,
While o'er the Palace Radziwill, there waved the Eagle's crest,
He looked upon Count Schouvaloff, a wink was in his eye,
lHe looked upon the Pachas and his nose went up awry.
Right graciously he smiled on us, and then he said, said he,
" Good day, my Lord of Beaconsfield good day, Lord Salisburee !
And if this Congress hap to fail, as fail full well it may,
Let's get the failure over quick, I want my holiday "
We thought this year no Scarborough will see us on its Spa,
But put our faith in Beaconsfield, the Knight of the Gar-tar !
Yes! Brighton may behold us yet! The Czar is giving way,
And big Bulgaria is halved What will Ignatieff say ?
The 'lurks will keep the Balkans, and will fortify them, too;
And now at last we see Sir Stafford Northcote's bit of blue "
No war-ship in the Dardanelles will fly a Russian flag,
While Magyar occupation on revolt must put the drag.
The war-clouds break like other ones before a Biscay breeze,
And Margate yet shall welcome us to take a month at ease!
The Anglo-Turkish treaty's clause about Protectorate"
On Muscovite aggression has imposed a final "mate."
"Amelioration d la Russe is stoppered to the Czar ;
And who has done it ? Beaconsfield! the Knight of the Gar-tar .
Right well has fought Lord Beaconsfield to chase our fears away,
And careless we can turn our thoughts towards our holiday.
But let us not while spending it forget our meed of thanks
To that accomplished gallant knight who, risen from the ranks,
Had never let his efforts for a single moment cease
Till he could send us on our autumn holidays in peace!
So where shall we be journeying P-to Paris or the Lakes,
To Switzerland, Killarney, er the rugged Land o' cakes?
To Norway for its fishing, or to Brussels for its band ?
Or shall we rusticate at home in this our native land ?
But whersoever we may go we'll thank our lucky star
We put our trust in Beaconsfield, the Knight of the Gar-tar !
Ho Boarding-houre proprietors! Ho! keepers of hotels,
TUp, up, and quick be doing, and receive the snobs and swells!
Come, little ones, be ready with your wooden pail and spade ;
Young ladies curl your finges and look killing on parade."
Come, fashionable loungers, come, discard the chimney-pot,"
And put on serge and puggarees aboard some friendly yacht.
Come, city men, put up your books, take families and wives,
And go and revel in ozone, and lengthen out your lives.
Remember all to whom this summer's holiday we owe!
And I to CYpra s for my long vacation mean to go!
Hurrah Hurrah through Beaconsfield no foe our joy shall mar,
Hurrah! for our Deliv'ry I and the Knight of the Gar-tar !
A Sweet Conundrum.
WHY ought confectioners to advertise largely ?-Because they are
associated with puvf piste.
Sadbury'. Cec. eloeks below show the proportion ofnitrogenoss
Essence being a6- contituents in ea'h 100 parts of vari,,uq .,ds of
solnely gen', tn ocoa Hossiorathie CCadur 'sCo Ieee.
and concentrated another pre-
S the r ae oa Ie and orde Coco's
the aeuo,,,l other irtiaied at
fat, ,t r.... soetato. 4i.
F, Ulst .1,N I o sr bou 1,.s 4,.
OF NITRO- perl .
GENOU OU1 C. BRANDAUER & CO,'SNewregistered"press
FV.5-. S O i S/series of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
T CONTS t- points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
the erage of Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
othereocoaewhchi select the pattern best suited to your hand.
are razed ith10-uU0y00 i c o Faub ur oL. Dlo' i:-5 iaon"s WeRs, B 'ieeNs.
sagar end stnoeh.J Boeras of ieojeiitle.,"OKIR HM
C.. V.- -ry,
1-t b-de I b-- wi.. f..
cb.p...,. Z., Wh.t Fl-..
-f [.d f.r JAdr- it
digesd by tLe dli.
-F... B-.,_ 8--, 14Q.. F.R.C.S.
Sold by Che-i-ft, do,, in ad. and Is.
Paeklis. ..d ft. n
AUv. 28, 1878.]
You'VE burnt the lease instead of the will,"
She cried, and her voice was shaking ;
I have," said he, but yet we can still
'The will for the deed be taking "
"You've brought us to an alarming strait,"
She cried in her angry clatter;
Although," said he, you may rant and rate-
Words, words, my love-but no matter !"
You hate for me to assume the truth,"
She cried, and she sneered it smugly.
"I do, my dear, for I know, forsooth,
The truth's so commonly ugly! "
By you yourself all the rest you judge,"
She cried, and her tones were heated;
And he replied, as he murmured Fudge!
You don't, you are too conceited "
"A head you have, and so has a pin,"
She cried in a voice to fright one.
Precisely EO," he said, with a grin,
And, consistently, a bright one "
To talk too much you're given, I see,"
She cried, and away was walking ;
"No talk, my love, is a gift to me,
Not-I am given to talking I "
A (Woolwich) Garden Party.
CAPTAIN WEBB's attempt to swim for 36 hours has
been pronounced a failure by all but the People's Caterer,
who, it seems, considers it a great success. There is no
doubt that he should be an authority, as no one better
knows how difficult it is to keep one's head above water
for any length of time, and of course, as proprietor
of the North Woolwich Gardens, he was in the swim,
and thereby did a good stroke of business.
You get a small glass of Lager beer in the Strand for
threepence, but if you pronounce the g soft it will be
larger! (N.B.-The perpetrator of the above has since
A TAKING PERSON.-The policeman.
Shy Boy :-" I FLIRT WITH Miss MAY !-I COULDN'T DO IT --I HAVE
NOT KNOWN HER LONG ENOUGH !-I DON'T KNOW HER WELL ENOUGH !-I-- ."
Sly Girl:-"You WICKED BOY, YOU HAVE KNOWN HER TO BE 'WELL
ENOUGH'-ALL YOUR LIFE; AND I'M SURE YOU KNOW SHE'S 'LONG ENOUGH'
FOR ANYTHING I "
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY.
BY A CONFIRMED IDYLLER.
N OW oft the lightly-uttered
Emitted in our youth
Is vividly before us brought
In all its bitter truth !
.How frequently our lot to dish
S" And cover with a pall,
(In words) we rashly wish a wish
We never wish at all.
When I was innocent and young,
By bodings undeterred,
'. I often musically sung
I would I were a bird."
S" Yet none who dreaded laughter's
Had ventured to ascribe
To me an actual desire
To join the feathered tribe.
But Nemesis disturbed my rest,
She seized my youthful act,
And what I only wished in jest,
She made me wish in fact.
Ah, Nelly Gwynne, 3 you've sown a seed
That's flourished since we met-
"I would I were a bird," indeed,
And in the FOWLER'S net.
A STRICTLY religious (or, at least, they think so) society has just
been founded with a view to putting down every form of Sunday ex-
cursion. In spite of pious Scotchmen and philanthropic lords, it is
felt that there is still a good deal too much babbath excursing going
on. The society has enrolled a corps of devoted detectives, who have
nobly given up going to church three times every Sunday in order to
look after the people who wilfully and wickedly don't go to church at
all. Men in low neighborhoods who make Sunday excursions round
the corner in shirtsleeves, with large jugs in their hands, will be
watched and reported. Mothers who take the baby into the square on
Sunday afternoon will be immediately taken before a magistrate and
charged with Sunday excursing-Policeman X cursing-or rather,
swearing that this 'ere woman was taken in the hact and is an old
Cabmen, taking up Sunday fares, will themselves be taken up-and
fare badly. Telegraph boys, bearing messages betiding life or death,
will be stopped and incarcerated until the question of life and death is
ended. If a few people are killed or live heartbroken because of the
reform, it will be their own fault. They shouldn't allow their friends
to make Sunday excursions into another world.
The members of this estimable society will meet every Saturday
and take their yachts over to Cowes, and return to Sabbatarian
business on the Monday.
THE Standard has had the courage to call Mr. Charles Reade
"lunatic." Considering that the novelist is a lawyer, it certainly
seems rather a mad thing to do, as he is sure to read it, will doubtless
mark it, and the Standard may learn that he won't inwardly digest it.
IT is said that the Government is going to take steps to lessen the
expenditure for military and naval purposes. This is one way of
mounting the ladder of fame.
[AuO. 28, 1878.
A NEW POETICAL READING.
"The Rude Four-Fathers of the Hamlet sleep."- Gray.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
GETTING UP UNDER DIPFICULTIEs-DISAPPOINTMENT--ON THE MOORS
--INDIoNITIEr-A PLAN FOR REVENGE-SUCCESS !
DEAREST EDITro,-Along with three brace of grouse I send you the
continuation of my
DIARY OF MY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS.
Monday, 12th, 8.30 a.m.-Glorious day for the grouse-or rather, for
the shooters-rather a bad day for the grouse I should say. Sun
strikes through my window (which is a sort of glass trap-door in the
roof) right into my face. I wake with a start and stretch my arms
above my head, my knuckles come into violent contact with the ceiling ;
I start up with the pain, and my head suffers in a like manner. Con-
foundit! I grow more wary. Sliding sideways out of bed I alight on
the floor, and carefully assume a sitting posture. My head does not
touch the ceiling. I crawl until I reach the loftiest part of my chamber
and slowly rise to the perpendicular. I fit. In this position I
attempt to perform my morning toilet. Contusions of the head and
abrasions of the elbows, however, soon induce me to relinquish the
attitude and go about with my back bent in a seeming decrepitude which
would discredit even my age. Down to breakfast. Higgs meets me
at bottom of stairs and says I'd better not go into breakfast room
yet, they've not quite done. I say, What of that ?" He says, "You
don't expect to breakfast with us, do you F (Oh, if I only had the money
to get home !) I gulp down my rage and say Of course I do ; how
shall I be in time for the shooting else ? He says, Oh, that don't
matter; you can't join the shooters, you know, they wouldn't like it;
besides, I want to lend your gun to Lord Popperley, his hasn't arrived
yet. You must see to the lunch, too, and help bling it out to us."
And he walks off. Then I go in for this sort of remarks :-" I--
*!- *!" But I'll be even with him yet. This last
outrage is too much.
12.15.-Half way up brow of a hill-puffed. Hamish (the red-
headed youth) and [ are bringing up the lunch in two hampers-one
eatables, one drinkables. Mine is the eatables-I don't care to carry
the drinkables-I've signed the pledge. Hamish has gone on, and I
sit brooding on Higgs' conduct. I'm flinging stones about viciously
to relieve my rage. How am I to satisfy that poulterer, too?
Suddenly-" whirr whirr 1 Two grouse Mechanically I
"let fly." Down comes one-the other escapes. I get ex-
cited; I stamp about the brushwood in all directions; bird after
bird rises; I bag four brace before it strikes me I may be poaching.
But no, this is part of Higgs's moor, I know; Hamish told me,-but I
doubt whether Higgs himself would like it. I hide the birds for the
present under a large boulder, which I mark. Then I shoulder my
hamper and join Hamish. Higgs is more brutal than ever at lunch-
calls me Troffy," and makes me help to "wait." Then he says I'd
better go back and prepare dinner. I glare, but go. I will be
revengedT I rush homeward boiling into rage. A thought, sudden
and brilliant, stops me. Hooray! I've got it! A pensive smile
illumes my countenance-all is peace within. I go quietly home,
borrow a shilling and a stamp of the landlady, enclose a telegraphic
message and fee to Awnoddin Station and place it in the post bag.
Then I prepare dinner cheerily.
Tuesd y, 13th.-Am quiet in my mind. Receive greatest indignities
with a smile. At Higgs' suggestion I clean the knives and boots this
morning. I also unlock letter-bag and place letters on their owners'
breakfast-plates. Higgs seems surprised, but evidently thinks he has
made me keep my place." I wear a sardonic smile, but he doesn't
notice it. Carry lunch as usual. Hamish goes on. I rest. Six
brace this time-coming back I kill three brace and a half more. Hide
them with the rest.
Wednesday, 14th.-Pack my portmanteau before leaving bedroom,
leaving one side empty. Saddle Higgs' best horse unobserved.
Letter-registered-for me in answer to telegram in post bag--five
sovereigns- (thought you wouldn't fail me, ever thoughtful editor).
Shooters go out. Lord Popperley's gun has come, but I don't even
hint a wish to join the party. I consult time-bill. Pack Hamish's
basket and send him on first-tell him I'll follow when I've packed
the eatables. There isn't any eatables. I've taken care of that, and
I've sent the landlady for some eggs-she'll be gone some hours. I
bring down my portmanteau and make for the marked boulder, bag"
a few more birds-pack them in empty part of portmanteau- two-and-
twenty brace in all. Heard Higgs say they would shoot over this
part to-morrow-afraid he'll find it rather thin Get portmanteau
back and fix it on horse-mount and away !-gun in hand. I have a
ride of three hours and a half-shall just catch train. Hamish won't
expect me for half-an-hour- Shooters won't reach him for an hour. It
will take him an hour to get to Sheiling, another to go back with the
news, and another for them all to get back for the chase-by that time
I am speeding away! There will be no lunch for them- no din""-
cooked-nothing to cook. Aha Mr. Higgs, I think I am revenge.
Thursday, 15th, Aberdeen, 8.30 a.m.-Got here last night late-sent
Higgs' horse back from Awnoddin by the owner of the cuddy cairt."
Told him Higgs would give him five shillings. Ha ha! ha ? Hooray !
I'm in such spirits. It's raining like mad! and how dreadfully
dismal they must be at Sheiling. I'm just off by the 8.50 from here
-shall be at the Cave to-morrow early. Just had a plain seltzer in
the refreshment-room served by a neat, pleasant young person with
an eyeglass in her eye !
Topaz is not a bad horse for the Leger, but I shouldn't back him for
first if I were you.-Yours, &c., TaorHONIuS.
.THE PROFANE PARSON.
A TALE IN FIVE CHAPTERS.
ONCE upon a time, in the dark ages of the Nineteenth Century,
there lived a gentleman who held a commission in the Army.
But he had serious scruples as to whether it was right or wrong to
kill his fellow-creatures at the bidding of others, or, in fact, whether
it was not a crime to kill his fellow-men at all.
He decided that it was a crime, notwithstanding the glitter and
tinsel thrown about the murderous profession; so he sold his com-
mission and entered the Church, thinking that as he was an intelligent
man, and not a mere machine, he might do more good to humanity in
that line than in the other line.
One day, discoursing to a rustic congregation on the folly of using
profane language, he told them that he himself was once guilty of the
same folly, and addicted to the same vice, but that he had completely
conquered the habit.
A flying insect, hearing the boast, winked his eye at the congrega-
tion, and thought, "I'll put him to the test." So, making a circuit
round the gentleman's head, he 'lit upon his nose.
See !" said the reverend gentleman; here is an illustration. At
one time I should have sworn awfully at this fly-but, look now."
Raising his hand, he said gently, "Go away little fly, go away."
But the fly only tickled his nose the more.
The reverend gentleman, raising his hand with some vehemence,
made a grab at the offender; and, being successful, opened it to throw
the insect from him, when, in extreme disgust, he exclaimed, "Why,
d-n it, it's a wasp !"
.Horror of the rustic congregation, failure of the illustration, and
THE advent of the Marquis and his Princess is looked forward to
with pleasure throughout the Dominion. The happiness of the vice-
regal pair would have left nothing wanting could they but have
brought with them a pair of lorgnettes.
Among the Births."
ON such a day, Mrs. Butter of a daughter." A case of Butter and
A'vo. 28, 1878.1
(BY OUR OWN EXCUaSIONIST.)
BRIGHTON is above all others the place to please a discursive tourist,
for he is able whilst staying there-don't you see'?-" to return to his
Muttons," as'the'saying is, as often as he pleases. I, for instance, am
a discursive tourist, and I have returned to my "Muttons" twice
since twelve at noon, for a lemon ice and a glass of claret-cup respec-
I don't ttrean, you must understand, to maintain that Brighton is
peerless as'a-seaside resort. How could I mean so, indeed, when by
looking'out of'my window at the Grand I can distinctly see two of her
piers P At the'same time, however, Brighton has so -gone up in public
estimation of late years that her downs in no-wise affect her prosperity,
except it!is to add to it; whilst the fact that so many rum fish "
are to b,'seen withinn the borough actually increases her popularity
with the Ipdblic.
Somnsa'y'that the Brighton season is in November; but as a matter
of fact,as -a visit to the beach will convince the most sceptical,
Brighton-always has her seas on," so that there is no necessity here,
as there is in some more tidally-influenced places, for the Episcopal
visitor to bring his:see with him when he comes.
Brighton, too, can always boast of her Pavilion-a place where the
excursionist can spend a shilling-and -her Aquarium, where he can
spend a happy and fishy day; whilst for those visitors who are never
content unless in hot water or beneath a wet blanket, Brill's famous
baths continue to exist. The violent demagogue, 'too, may find
pleasure in paying his twopence to tread a "pier beneath his feet; or,
by walking towards Beachey Head, he may see another "pier" hang-
ing on chains, without paying anything at all, except attention.
The visitor may, in brief, get everything he wants at Brighton,
except fish for domestic consumption; and this he would do well to
bring down from London, whither it is sent from Brighton beach by
the early morning trains.
The presence of a cavalry garrison in Brighton provides it with
military music and dashing escorts for she-questrians who crowd the
King's-road. Bath-chairs, too, are plentiful, nor are artists lacking to
draw them ; but excursionists complain of the want of public tables,
which, with the couches sociales (evidently a comfortable sort of sofa)
they see so often spoken of in the Paris papers, they would like to
have placed liberally on the beach.
In addition to sea-lions-and sea-horses Brighton has its mayor, who
is, we believe, an ex-afishyo directing the aquarium, and a corporation
who, with rare self-denial, allow a turtle to remain alive within their
Contractors, strange to say, are enlarging the confines of Brighton
in all directions, for the more they contract the more they extend.
Rents, meanwhile, are going up-so high that even attics are affected,
and fresh trains full of visitors are going down asfast as the London
and Brighton Company can despatch them. Brighton, in fact, is a
rising place, with not only a flourishing theatre, but a stage coach,
which drives an unusually fast trade. The town can also boast the
well-known brandy-ball seller, whose resemblance to the Premier is
enough to strike one "'dizzy," and the faithful Lord Munster, to whom
Brighton seems to be the ne plus Ulster of existence.
But it is time we returned to our Muttons for another ice, leaving
the public to study Brighton's other pleasing features for themselves.
THE following diagram of the two great epochs of the world will
show that the universe is, alphabetically considered, still in its in-
the first four letters only having as yet been brought into request.
THE FUTURE LITTLE GAME OF CANADA.-Lorne tennis.
SAY, what is the son of a gun? I_
Oh! that is easily done- -
The infant dear I
Of a volunteer.
lis father's a "rifle," and tlhus it is clear
"'hat he is the son of a gun.
WHO, prithee, are stage villains ?-
Suburbans, do not frown,
They're men who own villas within
An easy stage of Town.
'WHAT is a stockbroker P
He's sometimes a croaker,
And then he is nicknamed a bear;
If again he a bull is.
And works at the pullies,
My advice is to buyers- beware.
WHAT is the definition of a "good friend at a
pinch ?-One 'who assists his neighbour when he's
ike Cures Like.
A SPECIpIC cure for wife-beating has been found at
last. A miller living near Coleford who had beaten
his wife has been lynched by about 40 women, who
flogged and then-dragged him to the parish ipeid, where
on his knees he protested penitence and supplicated for
forgiveness. Although theqe 40 strong-ainded, -and
doubtless strong-armed, ladies were apparently un-
familiar with the principle of suaviter in mddo," there
can be no doubt of their belief in "forty-ter in re."
IN reference to the execution of the lad Nokwai on
board H.M ship Beagle," a contemporary has an
article entitled "Justice at Sea." From the severe
comments of Mr. Gorst, Q.C., on this case we fear that
justice was very much at sea.
ON Sunday. contrary to expectation, the services at
St. James's, Hatcham, passed off without any disturb-
ance. We are very glad that the people were not
Brown and Jones thinking to have a bit of a lark with the Bobbu"j :-" I
SAY, BOBBY, WHEREABOUTS IS THE WORKING MEN'S CLUB HELD ?"
Bobb!l :-" WORKING MEN'S CLUB P-H'M-YOU SEE, I AIN'T A WORKING G
MAN, SO 1 DUNNO."
88 FUN. [AUG. 28, 1878.
GREATT EXCITEMENT PREVAILS."
First Loafer (to Second) :-" There's a feller a-dyin' ov starvation jest
round the corner-can't git inter the work'us; rum go, ain't it ?"
First Charitable Lady (to Second):-" Would you believe it I There was a dreadful man
so shockingly vulgar as to be dying of starvation as I drove here!"
First Guardian (to Second) :-" Oh, by the way, saw a very curious sight coming along-
fellow actually dying of starvation on the pavement; very interesting thing to see.
First Boy (to Second):-" Oh, I Eay-such a lark; bin a-lookin'
at a cove a-dyin' o' starvation I"
Extract from subsequent newspaper report:-" The unfortunate man was at length conveyed to the Workhouse, where he expired immediately. Great
excitement and indignation prevail in the neighbourhood."
IFU'IN.-AUG. 28, 1878,
TAKING THE (CA)BUL BY THE HORNS.
John Bull :-"I AM SORRY, MY DEAR AMEER, TO SEE THAT YOU ARE GETTING INTO BAD COMPANY; LET ME
ADVISE YOU, FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, TO BE CAREFUL."
AUG. 28, 1878.] F T N 91
A SAD SURPRISE.
Jones and party, returning to lunch fatigued and famished, ftin their place occupied.
FUN'S FARCES. No. 7.-APPEAL!
A FARCE IN DISINTERESTED ACTS, PLAYED DURING TERH-TIME.
SCENE : A Court of Iaw. Discovered are JUDGES, COUNSEL, USHERS,, .e.
They dance round, singing-
Now Courts of Justice may not be
The very best of places
Where one may calculate to see
No suitors with wry faces.
They never have been famous yet,
As places where you're sure to get
Whatever you're desiring.
They may, when taken as a lot,
Have earned this condemnation ;
But surely one of them does not
Deserve the imputation.
That one is this. And so at it
We judges are indignant.
Dispense we wisdom here, and wit,
In manner quite benignant.
The archives of our court will prove
(They're worthy of perusal)
None coming here appeals to move
Have met with a refusal;
No suitors ever made appeal
From lower courts' decision
Without effect; we always deal
To everything revision.
No suitors ever came in vain-
Our grace is unrelaxing,
Bat what they always could obtain
New trials for the axing.
Enter THE BRITISH PUBLIC.
THE B. P. Oh, I've lost a number of cases down below, and I
want you to grant me now trials for the lot. I base my application
on the grounds of--
THE JUDGES. Oh, never mind the grounds. You may take the
THE B. P. For the whole lot ?
THE JUDGES. Certainly.
THE B. P. Oh, my! (Sings.)
Your overwhelming condescension
Gratitude must need impart:
I can't find me words to mention
How I thank you from my heart!
Other courts are unrelenting,
Never granting what you pray ;
Obstacles throw in your way.
Always keeping one delaying
Sifting all the cons and pros,
Won't decide, while you are paying
For your whistle through the nose!
May I ask, without your deeming
Me as too impertinent,
Why you're so obliging, beaming,
Affable, benevolent ?
TKE JUDGES. Hum! Well, this is a free country, isn't it P? And
the law is for the protection of all, isn't it ? And anyone with money
enough has the grand privilege of claiming it and going to law, hasn't
he ? And if you do, counsel have the privilege of unrestrainedly
imputing the most disgraceful things to you without a shadow of
foundation, haven't they ? Then listen! (They sing.)
WVhy do we in each appeal
Brought up here by you
Always by our mighty seal
Grant a trial anew ?
Why do we with kind intent,
'Ere we acquiesce,
Hear pro ford argument
Ending up with "Yes"?
Well, listen. Our plan we will let you know
(We challenge you in it to pick out a flaw):
Our granting the trials you want will show
Another "five thousand" thrown into the law !
(THE B. P. takes himself f aghast. Great jubilations and granting of
fresh trials. Grand illumination by legal luminaries, and CURTAIN.)
IN giving the cast of Gretchen, by Mr. W. S. Gilbert, which will be
.played at the Olympic, a contemporary says, Faust, naturally Mr.
Neville." Of course we understand that Mr. Neville would play
naturally, but surely the other characters will not be represented
In engaging Mr. William Farren for the winter season of the
Lyceum Mrs. Bateman is said "to have made a good move." We
should like her to stay where she is.
Mr. James Albery will, we understand, furnish the Christm:es
piece for the Alhambra. We should have thought that would be done
by Messrs. Lyons.
The old comedies represented last week at the Crystal Palace by the
Chippendale Company are spoken of as having been well put on the
stage. We suppose there was a supply of Chippendale furniture.
A new comedy by Mr. Evelyn Jerrold will be produced next season
at the Strand, entitled Ccesar's lFife. We presume the morale of
this piece will be above suspicion.
The Christmas Pantomime at the Prince's Theatre, Manchester, will
be Puss in Boots, by Mr. Robert Reece. That it will be successful
it is only leece-on-able to expect.
The latest American folly (or piece of folly) is a play called
Billiards, in which a real game is played by Adams and Sexton.
The subject does not strike us as being opposed to dramatic treatment,
since a play must necessarily be full of cues.
92 F FUN. (AUG. 28, 1878.
AI MASTERPIECE BY POYNTER.
Facetious Old Gentleman:-" ARE YOU AWARE, MY GOOD SAN, THAT YOU ARE DOING A
VERY RUDE THING "
Son of Toil (sulkily):-" WHAT DO YOU MEAN,"
F. 0. G. :-" WHY, WERE YOU NOT TAUGHT AT SCHOOL THAT IT WAS VERY rude to
(Not quite literally rendered from UHLAND.)
WHEN from first-front Borough lodgings
To the backyard I had fled,
Whilst the costers shrill were shouting,
Studious in my Lancet read
Of a lot of things in-itis,
This at King's, and that at Guy's,
(Mine own Hospital), and-osis-
(As I read I felt so wise);
Whilst I fingered fancy guineas,
Wrapt in silver-paper round,
Flung up was a next-door window;
Oh my heart gave such a bound!
Raining looks of love upon me,
What a Beauty saw I there !
How I envied that day's journal
Corkscrewed in her auburn hair !
But too soon her mother followed;
In curl-papers, too, was she ;
Ugh! the Gorgon! May I treat her
When she gasps in pleurisy !
But, in spite of all her scowling,
I resolved to have my way;
By the dusthole in the backyard
For my Love in wait I lay.
Lectures, subjects, both neglecting,
All the summer session long,
To the backyard went I daily
With my meerschaum and my song :
All the songs I knew of chanted,
Telling of a lover's pain;
Till at last she came and answered,
And she often came again.
Yes, she came, and, roselike blushing,
Called me her own darling dear;
But dear Ma," she added, faintly,
Won't give her consent, I fear."
When I sang "Pop goes the weasel"
Snoozing Ma, on sofa laid,
Oft rushed out, but Alice soothed her,
Said an organ just had played.
But a day came, bright yet dreary
(Would that Ma were in her grave) I
When I made my wonted signal,
No reply those loved lips gave.
Only an old toothless maiden
Raised the sash and shrilly cried,
"'Tis no use, sir, that there screechin'-
They've a-gone to the seaside."
Gone for ever was my Beauty,
And had left no word for me;
How I wished that Ma was drowned,
Drownded in the deep, blue sea !
What the watering-place they went to
Alice ne'er had chanced to say ;
When I asked, the toothless maiden
Gave a grin, and ran away.
But I guessed that it was Margate,
So at once I took the train,
Vowing, till I'd found my Alice,
Lancet ne'er to read again.
Pipe I took for my companion,
And beneath each balcony
Smoked and sang with bitter anguish,
Oh, my Alice, come to me !"
But she came not; and in dudgeon
Back to Southwark soon I went;
There, my landlady astounding,
All the long vacation spent.
But the answer, yearned for answer,
Ne'er again I heard next door;
Only the old maiden chuckled-
Alice won't come here no more."
The Key of the Street. agency referred to; but, without going into that matter, they appeared
A NDENT writing to a daily paper to suggest some efficient to think that they have quite enough as it is of the implement in
SCORRESPONDENT writing to a daily paper to suggest some efficient question.
means of promptly summoning aid to a fire, proposes that a neat
telegraphic contrivance, similar to that in use at the fire-engine stations, Ma. ATTENBOROUGH is naturally indignant at the accusation of
should be let into the wall at certain points in the streets, and the Lord Truro that every pawnbroker keeps a smelting apparatus on the
constable on duty be provided with the key. We have inquired of two premises. He says the practice has been discontinued for many years,
or three actives and intelligent as to what value the possession of the and our esteemed relative-the Universal Uncle-objects to the insinua-
key of the street by a policeman on night duty would be in the emer- tion that when a thing is popped it goes to pot.
AUG. 28, 1878.]
OME few years ago, while I yet basked
on the verdant, not to say green, side
of twenty, Gregory Badgerboy was
the bane, the bte noir of my life.
y/ Gregory was a member, a very warm
member, of the firm of Fitzsplutter,
Bang, and Badgerboy, general brokers,
of Mincing-lane, and I was a junior
clerk in their establishment; and, seeing
that nothing I ever did or said seemed to
meet with Badgorboy's approval, and
that what he called my infernal
stupidity and carelessness had on more
than one occasion thrown him into a fit
S of passion bordering on apoplexy (for he
S was very fat and choleric), was it not
surprising that I should feel somewhat
uncomfortable previous to inquiring of him if I could be spared for my
annual holiday, and if he would increase the amount of my salary ? For,
after mature deliberation, I had arrived at the conclusion that fifty
pounds a year was not an amount calculated to support me in a style
at all bordering on luxury.
It was just my luck: the day was exceptionally hot, I had made
one or two exceptionally stupid blunders, and Badgerboy was in an
exceptionally bad temper. Still there was no help for it. Fitz-
splutter had years ago retired from the firm, Bang was fishing in
Norway; so, having screwed up my courage, I determined to ask
Badgerboy to raise my "screw."
"Yes, sir he replied to my request for a holiday, with a polite-
ness that was about as pleasant as anyone else's swearing, "you may
take two weeks holiday ; in fact, for all the use you are, you might
take a perpetual one."
But when I mentioned my wish for an increase of salary, the
crimson of his nose deepened to purple, the veins in his forehead
swelled like cords, his eyes dilated, his very hair seemed to rise. The
storm was gathering; ere it could burst I retired.
"Away from the adding crowd" of Mincing-lane; the sea and
the sands for the City, the cliffs for cashbooks, unlimited 'bacco for
Badgerboy. What a glorious exchange!
Who she was I knew not, but I felt certain that the young lady
who drove a small pony-chaise each evening along the cliffs, and
who gave me a glance each time I met her from a pair of eyes as blue
as the sea below, was the dearest girl in the world. Oh, how I envied
that quadruped! With such a mistress I could have trotted on for
ever; but he was a pony-I a donkey.
But, stupid animal-(I am apostrophising the short-eared one)-
what could have induced you to have bolted in that ridiculous manner ?
Another ten yards, and you would have gone over the cliff, from
where the bathing machines look about the size of the Noah's arks in
the Lowther Arcade.
But when she leaned, half-fainting, in my arms, calling me in the
orthodox fashion her "preserver," pony! I almost blessed your
The silver moonbeams kissed the bosom of the sea, the rippling
wavelets kissed the lonely sands, the evening zephyr kissed her waving
hair, and, following the general example, I kissed her lips. "Clem-
entina," I murmured, be mine!" and while she promised to be her
Septimus's for ever, the saucy little wavelets seemed to laugh at the
repetition of the old, old story.
She had duly introduced me to her elderly mamma, and in their
society I passed every evening during the remainder of my stay at
Winkleton. Into their sympathising ears I poured details of my
hopes, my sorrows, and my fears. But one thing surprised me greatly;
the particulars of Badgerboy's behaviour towards me appeared
only to umuse them; when i expected sympathetic sighs they only
Time sped on, and, my holiday ended, I sped off; back to town,
to drudgery, and to Badgerboy, who seemed to grow more fiery
every day. I, too, filled with memories of Winkleton and Clementina,
became more careless than ever. Who, thinking of the light of
her dark blue eyes, could have remembered the prices of Russian
tallow ? who, dreaming of her sweet smiles, could bestow a thought on
'A crisis came. Badgerboy had been growling at me all
day, Abstracted partly by his bullying, and partly by thoughts of
Clementine, I had made a serious blunder. Badgerboy sent for me,
and I went to his room, determined to give him notice before he
should have time to pay me that compliment. I entered. Wonder
of wonders! there was Clementina-my Clementina-leaning over
Badgerboy's chair, with one arm encircling his neck.
"Clementina !" "Septimus !" And in an instant there was a
concussion, followed by a sibillant sound strange to hear in Badger-
What the etcetera does this mean?" asked the astonished Gregory,
looking redder than I had ever hitherto seen him.
It means, uncle dear, that this is the young gentleman who saved
my life; and you, a very ill-tempered, naughty, cross old uncle-
and, if you don't thank him, and be as kind to him as you are to me
and everybody who really knows you, I shall be very, very angry
with you !"
From that day Badgerboy (I now call him Uncle Greg' ") and I
have been on very different terms, and, as a senior partner, he's quite
a jolly fellow.
SPECIMENS OF CELEBRATED AUTHORS.
BY THE AUTHOR OF PHILOSOPHICAL PROVERBS."
NATIONS and peoples, 0 list! list to the words of the Teacher.
Solomon's after the age. Our schoolboys know far more than he did!
HYe never read a telegram in his daily paper at breakfast,
Or took photographic portraits of the beautiful Queen of Sheba!
Or dined on American beef, or blew up his wives with gun-cotton!
Therefore, talk ye no more of the wondrous wisdom of Solomon,
But open your ears, and listen to the knowledge of later ages,
Open your ears, 0 people and list to the words of the Teacher.
That which thou findest to do, do it when most convenient.
What need not be done to-day, defer thou until to-morrow.
Life is already too short for using without necessity.
Leave the work to to-morrow-to-morrow will have to do it!
So making time to-day that else might be lost for ever.
Never was great thing done by doubting and hesitation.
Think! if you stop to consider, the golden moments are flying!
Plunge in at once like a man, nor stop on the margin shivering!
How many men, do you think, how many confiding women,
Would ever have entered the state matrimonial called the holy,
Had they not plunged at once, not taken time to consider!
Taken time to reflect on the grave responsibility
Of trying to swim life's stream with a fellow-creature dependant!
That stream where loaves may be scarce, and fishes not very abundant,
People of old were wont to sing in praise of Contentment.
Oh, shortsighted and wrong! Contentment will never make progress!
Great things wait to be done. Even to stand still contented,
Is much the same sort of thing as if you were retrograding.
Little reason have ye with yourselves to be contented!
Sign of self-satisfied minds, which see not beyond the present.
Cast it aside from your path! Away with the down-drag Contentment!
These are the words of the wise. The voice of a nation progressing.
Open your ears, 0 people! treasure these sayings, and do them.
A COD'S head is sometimes part of a cod stale.
Fresh mackerel is invariably mackerel, but stale mackerel is often
Stale smelt, however, is never, under any circumstances mackerel.
A fisherman's gross returns are the same usually as his net takings.
Strange as it may seem, serious fishermen prefer a jolly boat,
since for a boat to be "jolly" implies it is water "tight."
Though fishermen are in the habit of using anchors of all" shapes
and descriptions, the Custom House authorities sternly forbid the use,
under any circumstances, of an anker of brandy."
Fishermen, as a rule, are all artists, or, at any rate, good draughts-
men. A fisherman who could not draw a net would indeed be an
They are musicians also, the cast-a-net being their favourite instru-
They never sing "Weel may the keel row I however, because
they know very well that it is the oar and not the keel that performs
A TRADESMAN in Fleet-street has in his window this advertisement:
"A Beer Boy wanted." If he had said he wanted a Stout Boy, we
could have understood it.
A CONSERVATIVE COUNTRY.-A. Terra "-tory
fAUG. 28, 1878.
L"F_______ cV--7. ____________I
Young Lady:-" I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN, GILES; BUT WAS
SORRY TO SEE YOU COMING OUT OF THE KING'S HEAD.' "
Gifts :-"WELL, MISS, THE DOCTOR HE SAID, YOU'LL NEVER BE RID 0'
THAT GOUT 0' YOURN TILL YOU KEEPS HOUT 0' THE THREE FISHES.' "
THE COMPLETE VEGETABLE MORALIST.
No. XIV.-THE BEAN.
THE Bean is of course a bean-ine creature. It annually distributes
a large percentage of wholesome, but not very delicious nutriment to
man and beast. But its bean-evolence undoubtedly intitles the bean
to be described, in the language of provincial newspapers, as an
esteemed and highly respected inhabitant, and a constant subscriber.
We are credibly informed that there are people who enjoy the per-
fume of a field of beans in the summer sunshine; we can only remark
that these people must be confined to snuff-takers, who recognize in
the scent of the beanfield the familiar odour of the snuff-box.
The non-existence of the bean was an essential principle of ancient
Egyptian belief, and in their abstruse mysteries the priests taught that
the been cannot continue to be, because when it has been it has gone.
This is profoundly true. It has been so ever since. The being of a
bean that has been can never be. Nevertheless, the bee always
comes after the bean; and whenever a bean observes bees in its
immediate neighbourhood, its one serious reflection is, "To bae, or
not to bee-that is the question."
The Bean was originally a slow and serious sort of individual, with
SIMPLE LESSONS IN SCIENCE.
FORCE is that which sets a b )dy in motion, as, for
instance, the police force, which makes a body move
There would be no heaviness in the world if it were not
for gravity. Corollary: Never forget to have your
A solid body would not get much good out of Mudie's,
since it obstinately insists on keeping the same
A liquid violently resists all attempts to force it into
close confinement, spreading itself out so as to make its
surface level; and many liquids communicate these little
peculiarities of theirs to those who imbibe them.
When anything is weighed in water it suffers a loss
of weight. This is especially true in the case of salt.
A pound avoirdupois is exactly equal to 7,000 grains.
Take a pound of sand and count.
When bodies become heated, movements a little back-
wards-and-forwards take place, as you must have seen
for yourself in the case of a street fight.
Heat causes a copper rod to be extended, and it has
the same effect on a policeman's staff.
It is erroneous to suppose that the barometer is used
as a yard measure in ascertaining the height of a moun-
tain, or that the Bramah Press has anything to do with
the car of Juggernaut.
Most physicists teach that noise is the result of a
single blow given to the ear; music, of a series of blows.
In our own experience, however, we have observed that
noise was the result in both cases ; in the latter more
unmusical, even, than in the former. Experimentumfiat
in corpore vili. Box a small boy's ears, first singly, and
afterwards repeatedly, and you will soon see, or rather
Attraction and affinity are synonymous in chemistry,
but in life we often find that the greater the affinity,
the less the attraction.
Some precious stones are called cats' eyes; diamonds,
surely, might be called cats' claws, since they scratch
Electricians neatly divide all bodies into conductors
and non-conductors, but in the world there are bodies
who, although they never mounted the monkey-board
of an omnibus, nevertheless are cads.
Ask the Builders.
Is water on the brain the result of a tile being loose ?
very little alacrity about it. But the Yankees, who are notorious for
rousing creation, got hold of a kidney bean, and roused it into a
Scarlet Runner, and taught it to hurry, and to run, and to speed up a
stick like one o'clock. We get all our fastest vegetables from
That was a famous sort of bean that produced Jack's celebrated
sky-beanstalk, but it is now out of print.
Nothing like Leather.
If Julius Casar had made the celebrated hides of March into a
tough leather jerkin, he would have stood a better chance against
the daggers of his assassins.
IT is suggested that, having regard to their distinctive characteristics,
the entities now known as the elephant and butterfly would be more
fitly named "heavy-clump and flutter-by."
A coPAwNY is said to be being formed for the Improvement of
Cyprus. Capital, one million. Judging by the recent exodus to that
place Cyprus will be improved by the mniton.
m a u a afla ARE THE (aH,>y', C-caB ocln blow how the proportion oanitrogfno5.
E ssence being ab-|constituleot> in each 100 part, of various Miods of
m iBEST FOR I utely genuine,!Cocoa. If i hi_,_ I -b-i"'--- .
DUMESTIC and 1-opa n I-
WU U UUIO p eoAburae r [- [and T- b u."
r utt Tn SEE THAT EACH TH a. pei
RH'EL BEARS OENOU
au SE I THE T1 IIANGLE F ESH-F-
DP1APE Ro FOR the arero, f
AND TAKE NO are mixed aathHa a S-,
COTT N : H. _g., 2Beware O .Itn.
Printed bI JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andoew'@ Hill, rodors' Comm ,and Publihed (for the Proprietors) at la, Fleet Street, ..0London, August 23, 1878.
SEPT. 4, 1878.]
A MORNING CALL.
Emily:-"OH! I AM SO GLAD TO FIND yOU AT HOME, GERTRUDE; I WISH TO INTRODUCE TO YOU THE NEW COUNTY SURVEYOR,
Gertrude (slightly deaf) :-" THE COUNTESS OF AYR! I AM SURE WE ARE VERY PROUD TO WELCOME HER LADYSHIP, AND SHALL HOPE
TO IMPROVE OUR ACQUAINTANCE." [_The visitors have doubts as to their own identity.
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY.
BY A CONFIRMED IDYLLER.
No. X.-SIC ITUR AD ASTRA.
-pHIS sordid earth upon me jars
| (And I am careless how I show
A poet longs to reach the stars-
And I'm a poet.
They shine, those stars, so coldly
Above our tawdry, old-world
It seems, up there, there must be
For all our troubles.
I'll seek some hill, sky-reaching
For from a hill the stars are
One HILL I know that is a star;"t
Could I attain her!
I'd meet all troubles with a sneer,
My fingers snap at Madam Fortune,
And dare the Fates, with reckless jeer,
To more importune.
I hate distresses very much,
I wince whenever evil strikes me,
And as for grim affliction's touch,
It much mislikes me.
Yet struggle with misfortune's chills
I'm very sure I shouldn't care to,
If CAROLINE were all the HILLS
The flesh is heir to "
GARDENING FOR THE MONTHS.
HINTS TO AMATEURS.
As soon as you can get bulbs from a nurseryman, plant them, but
remember where you put them. If a hyacinth grower wishes to raise
the Mercury, let him plunge the bulb (of his thermometer) in a hotbed.
Spent tan is sometimes used for covering hyacinths, but if you can-
not procure that, a spent tanner or two (on sand) will answer the same
purpose. The choicest tulips sometimes yield very meagre blooms; if
you would secure a plumper, canvas them. It is a mistake to suppose
that the Parrot tulip is a variety of the Poly-anthus. The poetic
Narcissus has a ring of purple round the eye, but such a mark is not
now considered an increase of beauty. To check the degeneracy of
jonquils, take them up. Remember that when the Autumn crocus
comes out, the Spring crocus must go in. Put snowdrops in your
borders; an old water-butt will do for the rain drops. A garden
ranunculus can be raised from a buttercup, and also, if you put in
earth enough, from a butter dish.
Roses may still be budded. As to choice of roses, for hedges we
should recommend the Banksian, and for general out-of-door growth
the Ayr. French roses are said to do well in London, but we consider
the Provence more suitable for the provinces. If you cannot get
white Burgundy at your nurseryman's, order it at your wine-mer-
chant's. A cabbage rose makes an appropriate button-hole for a
tailor. The rose being much given to sporting," keep a sharp eye
upon its shoots.
A LIGHT BusINESS.-The gas company's.
96 FUN. [SEPT. 4. 1878.
THE UNIFORM CONTROVERSY.
E have received a multitude of
letters from all classes of persons
upon the above subject, express-
ing diversified opinions, from
which, without usual impartiality,
we present our readers with the
THE HEADEATER OF PHUNN.
Zur,-'Avin red in th' times
a letter from a Loine orsifer
!1! Komplaynin' about zum Varmers
refuse' to zit down with a private
sojer, I begs to state my opinyuns
on the pint. I got my persishun
to mayntayn, and d'yer think my
laborers 'ud tutch there 'ate to oi
if they seed oi, a man of propitee
with a county vote, a setting' at
meles with a feller as mite a bin
a laberer itselff ? Noe; i clame a
social pursishn, an' menester
h keap itt.-Yours hetsetrer,
THE EDDYTIR ov Fux.
Sir,-I was shot to read the account of a comun soljer's per-
sumshin in setting down with respectable people in a hinn. I'm an
hassistink in a draper's shop, and as sich 'as a position to maintain.
I believes in the patteryottic matter, we've got the ships, we've got
the nitn," and cettyrer; but my konservativ pollyticks says, "give
me carstee." The men are all very well to fight the Russians, and
give us something to cing about, but they ain't quite the Stilton to
mix with, and never ort not to be admitted into no lunchun bars,
or the seleck parts of musickalls, where I, with other gents, pass my
layshur heveninks.-Yours truly, 'ENEdY OaxKINS.
MR. IMsPEcxTUr FuN.
Sir,-The indeasensy of that 'ere full privateTWotsisname in a
creating of himselff at the farmer's tably doty, up there in the North,
is just of a peace with the blooming' imperence of his com-
merades 'ere in the mertropoliss, as is a continually insiniwatin'
theirselves into respectable fammyles, and a laying sege, as the
millingtery term goes, to the 'arts of the fair seeks, as is the special
objecks of the admirashun of us pleecemen. Sir, I admires and
applords they farmers for their sperrit and self-respeck in a kickin' out
that there low private from their mist: and what I wish is as the gals,
the bells of our kitchings and aireys, would take patten by 'em, and
keep them 'umbugging swaddys at a proper distance. Which, thanks
to the interroduckshun of the 'elmet inter the Force, the distance be-
tween us and them has bin made much leveller, but might be more.
-Yours actively and intellygenkly, A. WuN.
dere Mr. phun,-the owdacious condick of them drafted stuck-up
haggericultooristes in re-fusin' to sit down to meels with a decent and
hinoffencive cavuiree soldgere beats all them bulgarian trossyties, as
we've heerd so much on, all to fits; and all becos he was in yuneform.
The hidear! This comes of educating the masses, this do; and
precious fine masses you've got for your munny. Why, if this 'ere
sort of thing don't stop, there '11 be some snobs bimebi as 'IL think
themselves too good to sit down with A nEDLE.
THE EITroR op FuN.
Dear Captain,-The name "British Soldier" is glorious in every
land but one-that one, to its shame be it said, is his own. Do those
who look down on private soldiers remember that the laurels of Blen-
heim, Waterloo, Inkerman, Balaclava, and other justly-vaunted
victories were reaped by the rank and file ? Have Englishmen for-
gotten the old maxim that every soldier is a gentleman "? When
the dogs of war begin to bark we are gallant fellows," "heroes,"
" Spartans," and so forth ; in times of peace we rank scarcely a step
above the common hangman. They manage these things better in
France. Here the private is regarded as a mere machine, there he is
a possible general.-Yours to command, PRIVATB STILL.
IF you wish your sons to escape the entanglements they might fall
into in the "Isles of Beauty," send them to the "Cities of the
I Plain.' "
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL REPORTER AND THE
FORT WILL.AM, N.B., Aug. 31st, 1878.
I HAvE not forgotten the earnest and anxious tones, sir, in which
you bade me adieu when but a short week ago I set out on my perilous
and exciting search for the Great Sea-Serpent. We both of us felt
what neither cared to confess, the daring and dangerous nature of the
expedition, and the fact just come to my knowledge that you insured
my life for a heavy sum, in your own favour, on the eve of my depar-
ture shows conclusively how justly you appraised the risk I was about
In spite of all, however, I have persevered, well knowing what
undying fame awaits the discoverer of the mighty mystery of the dull
season I have named. But let me get on with my narrative.
I am abusing no confidence, I think, in referring to the short para-
graph in the Fort William Gazette and Oban Mercury, which led to my
being sent on my present quest. That the issue of this paper for
August 24th contained an intimation to the effect that the Rev. Mr.
A- a clergyman of Kent, whilst fishing off the coast of the West-
ern Highlands, had observed a marine monster with a head and mane
like a horse, and a snake-like body, the extremity of which was
literally lost in the distance, will surprise no one, for the Rev. Mr.
Someone, with a cure of souls, as a rule, in the home county, men-
tioned above, or an American skipper, or an officer in the P. & 0.
service, has been a witness of the vagaries of some such a creature
every dull season for the last fifty years at the very least. But what
is contrary to experience is the enterprise with which you, sir, having
read the above paragraph, sent me off to make personal researches on
the West Coast of Scotland. How hurried was my departure you
know quite well. Just time to cram a revolver, a copy of Burns'
Poems, a keg of spirits of wine (with a view to the ultimate bottling of
my prize), and a kilt into a portmanteau, and that was all ; and within
four-and-twenty hours of your first summons I was pacing the shore
of the loch on which Fort William is built.
My eager enquiries en route for the Rev. Mr. A- of Kent (a
somewhat vague address if you come to think of it), had so far proved
unavailing, and at Fort William itself the only strange parson in the
place turned out to be a Particular Baptist divine, who was much
scandalized at being asked if he was a church clergyman of Kent, and
showed me a carpet.bag full of tracts in favour of disestablishment,
which he told me, confidentially, he was going to take to the top of
Ben Nevis, to be thence scattered by the four winds of heaven.
Finding the tracking of the Rev. Mr. A--, of Kent, so difficult,
I changed my tactics and catechised the local fishermen on the sub-
ject of the marine monster with the horse-like head. One intelligent
man, Angus MacYockileton by name, remembered well that his
grandfather had once seen such a creature off the Isle of Mull; but
that was twenty-seven years ago, and the old man had died of de-
lirium tremens the week after he met it. So this item of news did
not assist me much, nor did I gain anything by a visit to Ballachulish
where I was told there lived an old boatman who had had great ex-
perience in such matters, for, on arriving at Donald Dumpy's craft, I
found the ancient mariner in question dead to all earthly affairs except
the chewing of tobacco. He had his bright days, his step-daughter
informed me, but I had not hit upon one of them. If I came again
the Monday week following, however, old Dumpy might be more
communicative, she added. But, on the other hand, as she was
bound to admit, it might be one of his violent days, when he flung
bottles at all who came near him, so my chance in this direction is
not at all brilliant.
But though not successful, so far, in the object of my journey, I
am still sanguine of ultimate triumph. That I am in the right neigh-
bourhood for discovery, I feel sure, for whilst searching for the 6reat
sea-serpent I have come incidentally upon well nigh all the lesser
natural phenomena that make this dull season famous. On three
distinct occasions have I been entreated to turn aside from my search
and inspect, with a view to purchase, if I liked, a five-legged calf.
As to the enormous gooseberry, I am writing these lines within hail
of a bush which has borne two already, this season, as detailed in the
Bannavie .Exptess and Ben News Courser; and there was a shower of
frogs within six miles of here last Tuesday. Not twenty miles from
here, neither, is the quarry where the toad is found regularly
every September in the block of granite; and I have been introduced
to a farmer whose pear-trees blossom twice a season, as often as not.
At this very moment a country-woman is waiting below to give me
the refusal of a kitten with two heads; and I have, as it is, purchased
a monster potato that weighs 31bs. 5oz. You will understand, there-
fore, that 1 by no means despair of performing the task you set me,
and to-morrow morning 1 start in the boat I have hired to prosecute
my search in earnest.
WHAT little flower is produced by the union of two agriculture
implements ?-A rose-bud (harrow-spud).
SEPT. 4, 1878.] F U N 97
.THINGS' THEATRIC AL.
MR. BUONAND's new comedy at the Gaiety, entitled
Jeames, having reference to a footman, it is only probable
that there will be some calf-love exhibited, although we
feel sure the most fastidious will have no occasion
Mr. W. H. Stephens will open the Royalty next
month with Memories, a new comedy, in which Miss
Agnes Leonard will appear. We trust Mr. Stephens'
Royalty memories will be pleasant.
During the Kendala' provincial tour Mrs. Kendal
will play the part of Dora with .a song, and introduce a
guitar accompaniment. Her presence in this piece has
always been instrumental to its success.
The part of Mepbistophiles in Mr. W. S. Gilbert's
version of Faust will .be played by Mr. Frank Archer.
As this arrangement is the author's suggestion, Mr.
Archer will, doubtless, be all of .a quier; but we should
think he would shoot the part capitally, and will doubt-
less make a hit.
Mr. George Honey has changed his programme at
the Strand, and is now playing in comedy and extrava-
ganza. The Ambassador from Below strikes us as a
devilish good title.
The opening of the Olympic is fixed for the 23rd inst.,
when The Two Orphans will be revived. This is a piece
that cannot be played once too often.
The entertainment at the Globe includes Les Cloches
de Corneville, and a new domestic drama by Joseph
Mackay, Mayfair and Rayfair ; this is undoubtedly a
strong bill of fare.
Drury Lane opens on the 28th with a new play by
Mr. W. G. Wills, with Miss Wallis and Mr. Edward
Compton in the leading parts. The company is a strong
one, and, of course, where there's a Will(s there's a way.
Mr. Righton, who is now playing Perkin Middlewick,
is said to play it well. Of course, he wouldn't play
A Colourable StatemeAt.
AccORDING to the Court ,Tounal the fashionable colour
,for the coming season is to be Bordeaux, the hue of the
well-known wine of that name. As it is an accepted
axiom with ladies that they may as well be out of the
world as out of the fashion, we expect it will be a
ease of whine with.all who cannot indulge in Bordeaux;
And as blue is to be the contrasting colour, we would
.huemorously remark that if that cannot be attained they
will look uncommonly ilue.
THE EFFECTS OF THE LATE RAINS.
First oad Sweeper:-" SAD THING ABOUT BILL, AIN'T IT ? BEEN OUT OF
WORK FOR THEUE NIONTRS."
Second Ditto :-" WELL, AND NO WONDER; HE'S ALL VERY WELL AT THE
dry, BUT HE ,AI'T OLD ENOUGH TO MANAGE THE slush; WHY, HE'D DRB WN THE
I AM awfully bothered by something I hear,
People say at the club and at mes !
Explanation I'd ask, but that chaffing I fear,
So I try at its meaning to guess.
And I often attempt with a day at a race,
Or an evening at pool or at loo,
This curious remark some connection to trace,
But have found it impossible to !
For next morning (I cannot conceive what it means !)
They all tell me, Old fellow, you cannot stand beans!"
When at school I was nowhere" in classical lore,
And my play I preferred to my work;
Any learning at all I considered a bore,
And my lessons endeavoured to shirk!
But I seem to remember Pythagoras taught
(If I'm right in the dogma ad nman)
His disciples should never eat beans. Yraps I ought
To adopt this philosopher's plan-
If I only was sure it was this that it means
When my friends all declare that I cannot stand beans !"
When with Lady Diana I hunted all day,
She won both my heart and the brush !
And I thought wouldd be good, in a sportsmanlike way,
To go in and win with a rush!
But a something or other that evening occurred,
(I'm sure the champagne was too dry),
For she wouldn't allow me to whisper a word,
And there seemed to be scorn in her eye,
As she said (I am mad to find out what it means !)-
" Sir, I never know people who cannot stand beans."
And-whatever I do and wherever I go,
In the country, in town, or at sea,
This most horrible phrase keeps annoying me so,
That my life is a trouble to me.
Hurrah! I believe that at last I have hit
On the way to obtain what I need,
I'll practise at Bean-feasts "-they'll certainly fit
Me for any amount of this feed."
And if anything can, this is surely the means
To prevent people saying I cannot stand beans "
A Boatiful Idea.
MR. FowLRa, the American who lately essayed to cross the Channel
in a pair of canoe-like water-boots some 11 feet in length, will doubt-
less hear numerous opinions of the efficiency of his invention. But
one thing he cannot deny about it, whether he be successful or not,
and that is, that hAe as put hts foot in it.
A Common Mistake.
A BILL received the Royal Assent last session which had for its
object the Protection of the Commons of England. Now, self-preser-
vation is nature's first law, we are aware, but surely the Commons of
England are safe enough to need no such Act, and would have showed
more consideration in passing a bill to protect the Lords, who are
threatened.with destruction by the Radicals.
A Misapplication of Terms.
To call a young lady who sedulously selects the dances in which she
will take a part a hop-picker.
[SEPT. 4, 1878.
SBoots," sobbed the newly-arrived Hotel-Visitor, why did the Landlord send me up, So the Duke cunninRly sneakod out, returned by the next omnibus, an!
under the care of the sub-deputy-under-supernumerary-scullery-maid, to the worst ttood by a pile of other people's luggage.
attic in the hotel! Iam a Duke and very rich-I want a suite of rooms! "
"It's a 'cos you've on'y got one little portmanter," said the Boots.
I oLU cSEL l
.... ........6Atl F I(
The Landlord himself conducted the Visitor to his grandest suite of rjjn
"I iL. senci v",ir li'- up instantly." he said, reve-onia'ly. "Jhanker,
"ve only one 1 ttle portmanUtau," Faid the Vi-ntr,.
And the mad rage of that Landlord I
IVU FUXNi.-SPT. 4, 1878.
AUSTRIA'S DINNER A LA. RUSSE.
HOW HE TRIED TO SWALLOW BOSNIA AND :HERZEGOVINA, AND HOW THEY DISAGREED WITHI HIM.
FUN'S FARCES. No. 8.-CONSERVANCY I
A FARCE IN CONTINUOUS ACTS, AS PLAYEr DAILY NEAR TowER-HILL.
SCENE: 0o. 41, Trinity-square. Discovered are CONSERVATORS, LOCK-
MEN, SUPERINTENDENTS, 4c. They dance round, singing-
OH we're the Conservators of the Thames-of the Thames,
Of otherConservators, parent stems-parent stems;
And all the day long an ambiguous song
We sing, and its burden is funny;
Which comic refrain we disdain to explain-
It's What do we do with our money?"
We want to quadruple the fees and tolls -fees and tolls,
And bring in the money in larger rolls-larger rolls.
A bill in the House, with this purpose dubbed-purpose dubbed,
We tried to insinuate, and were snubbed-and were snubbed.
Oh, lots of our locks are nigh falling down-falling down,
Our weirs unprotected for folks to drown-folks to drown,
Our banks were a ruinous sight to see-sight to see,
With refuse and weeds where the stream should be-stream should be.
Ha!ha!ha! Ho! ho! ho !
Wouldn't you, wouldn't you like to know-
Ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho!
Where does the money we capture go ?
Though pleasure-boats caught in their swell will sink-swell will sink,
At launches that travel too fast, we wink-fast, we wink.
Our banks from the source to the mouth are white-mouth are white
With gentlemen bathing from morn till night-morn till night.
The practice we never attempt to stay-'tempt to stay,
Till ladies from boating must keep away-keep away.
Oh isn't the river in just a state-
A state of existence sunny-
Conservators having who won't relate
The way that they spend the money!
Enter THE BRITISH PUBLIC.
THE B.P. I hear you are alive to the irregularities which I am
here to complain of, so I need not recapitulate. As you are aware of
them, may I venture to inquire why you do not attempt to remedy
them ? The river is as neglected as any common ditch-do you hear
me? (They look superciliously at him through their official eye-glasses.)
Why don't you answer ? I permit you to take tolls from vessels,
boats, waterworks, moorings, &c., to keep the river in order with-
why don't you reply ? Why don't you do it? It is my river, not
yours. I am here to insist on an explanation. (Sings.)
Why don't you answer, instead of ignoring,
Calmly ignoring the fact of my presence ?
Presence you ought to be duly respecting,
Duly respecting, not riding rough-shodden,
Shodden with pooh-poohing nails o'er your master,
Master who wants an account of his stewards,
Stewards who seem to do naught for the money,
Money they get, which they ought to be using,
Using for keeping the river in order ;
Keeping it free from the weeds and the rubbish,
Rubbish and weeds, and the scandalous bathing,
Bathing, and seeing the lockmen aren't longer,
Longer than half-an-hour passing my boat through ;
Passing my boat, and then putting the tow-path,
Putting the tow-path in decent condition,
Decent condition; not trying to cabbage,
Cabbage an Act to quadruple their income,
Income already possessing, be stating,
Stating and showing the manner they spend it!
(They return no answer. Exit THE B.P. in high dudgeon. Then they
burst forth, singing.)
Whack. fol- de-rol-de, whack-fol-de-diddle,
Just let us, just let us put forth our riddle;
Just let us ask in accents of honey-
What do we, what do we do with the money ?
(Grand repetition of refrain. They all dance round, while the Thames
gets worse and worse, and CURTAIN.)
BRUIN TO BEAKY.
I'lrTH and Honour, if you please,
Peace, you said, was Bright's disease; "
Yet, if Peace with Honour's" right,
It is Johnny's Honor Bright."
A Vague Address.
MR. lBOLT, on leaving his lodgings, stated for his landlady's infor-
mation that he -was going to live in Elsewhere-road.
FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. I.
THE party whom this represents
Is one of England's foremost gents;
And who is that, do you suppose F-
Why, no one less than Poet Clothes!
THE COMPLETE VEGETABLE MORALIST.
No. XV.-THE CELERY.
THE Celery is not a high-caste vegetable. It is only a cultivated
form of the common ditch-born Smallage, an offensive, evil-odoured
weed, which some benevolent horticulturists took out of the gutter and
experimented upon with culture until they succeeded in developing it
into a great and white stick. A meeting was then called, at which the
new name, Celery, was publicly conferred on the reformed reprobate,
Smallage, who was exhibited in his new and clean clothes. The band
played selections, ae-celer(y) -ando. Across the hall was stretched a
banner bearing the following tastefully-illuminated motto, "Smallage
had no knowledge; Celery is the best smellery." After a bountiful
tea to the school-children, a testimonial presented by his friends and
admirers informed Smallage that the name Celery had been selected
on account of the brilliant celerity he had developed under generous
treatment. On learning this, Celery, late Smallage, who had hitherto
maintained a becoming gravity, and who had risen to return thanks
before he knew exactly what was coming-immediately split himself.
Hence the custom of bringing celery to table split.
But all the culture in the world will never get the original nature
out of a vegetable. So Celery, born and bred in a ditch, insists to
this day upon living in a ditch, just the same as when he was Small-
age; though, to assuage te feelings of his kind patrons, the horti-
cultural ditch is now called a trench.
The celerity of Celery is abundantly manifested in the extreme
rapidity of its cellularisation. It will make a thousand cells while a
whole hive of bees is getting the roof on No. 1, Wax-terrace. The
Celery is an industrious and business-like vegetable, and, instead eg
gadding about after public admiration, it keeps underground, does its
work in the dark, and produces large sticks of white scrumptiousness
in a workman-like manner and in a comparatively short time. With
encouragement, it will manufacture half a yard and more of prime
salad-stick, and "do it," as the treadmillist observes, on my head"-
a head of celery being well-known to be its foot.
Celery was invented in order to meet the requirements of bread and
cheese, and to countermine the machine-made pickle trade. The
labour is cheap, for Celery works without salary, while machinery
won't. The consequence is that Celery has been brought down within
the reach of the very lowest of the population-even underground, the
cellar-sellers sell Celery in their cellars.
N.B.-Biled celery is no 'count.
A MorTo for an enthusiastic veronaut.-" Air-or-naught."
102 F U lNT. [SEPT. 4, 1878.
PLANTER'S PUNCH I
SIl' A WEST INDIAN RECIPE.
'. "i A wine-glass with lemon juice fill,
Of sugar the same glass fill twice,
Then rub them together until
The mixture looks smooth, soft, and nice.
'' Of rum then three wine glassfuls add,
And four of cold water please take. A
w Drink then you'll have that's not bad-
S' i At least, so they say in Jamaica.
'Ear 'Ear !
AT Hinkley on Tuesday three lads were found guilty
of breaking open six missionary boxes belonging to the
R church, and were sentenced to be imprisoned and ubirched.
One of these sacrilegious young wretches was named
S Arthur Wheat, which cognomen is strangely suggestive
of thrashing. We hope they boxed the ears of Wheat,
for that would be sure to go against the grain.
THE Emperorr iWilhelm having been recommended
\"tmud baths at Teplitz for rheumatism, we cannot see
why the noble Thames cannot be utilised for this pur-
S, A pose. At any rate no Englishman ought to go abroad
to be cured of this malady when he can be alleviated
Sin his mudder country.
-arryQ Come Up.
IT is asserted that, in consequence of his marriage,
Lord Carington is about to resign his commission in the
lBlues. Of course his lordship ought to know his own
business best, but we can assure him it is no uncommon
thing. for married men to be in the blues.
-T a romMen of Metal.
ti.'la 'Jolng o THE lead from the roof of Temple Bar is to be made
S into commemoration medals for the Common Council-
men. We always were very much given to Civic
CES ENFANS TERRIBLES. dignitaries, but now they will have an additional
.Partner (during interval of quadrille) :-" I HOPE WE SHALL HEAR YOU
SING TO-NIGHT, MISS WARBLES." IF you took your ulster to a French laundress to be
Miss n :-" I FEAR I CANNOT, BECAUSE MY TIRESOME YOUNG BROTHER cleaned, what Canadian province would she probably
HAS LEFT MY MUSIC AT HOME AND BROUGHT NOTHING BUT MUSIC-HALL mention-Nova Scotia (no ahcoatshere.)
DITTIES INSTEAD." MEN OF SOUND PaRINCIPLES.-Musicians.
SPORT G N S Aa but I take no notice of it, and it seems to pass off. Buy next week's
TROPHONUS ANNOUNCES HIS RETURN TO TOWN, AND ANSWERS A FUN and see how you like my final notes on the Leger, If you don't
Frw LETTERS. like them get the next number and so on, and trust to time.
THE CAVE, Aug. 19th. SIa WILFRID LAWSON (at least, I think so, but it isn't signed).-I
M DEAR AND LONG-SUFFERING EDITOR,-Once more "my foot is deny your right to pass strictures on my repeated fits of intoxication,
on my native heath (Newmarket)-my name's MacGregor "-only my but I cannot help remarking your extreme one-sidedness; you entirely
foot is on no heath whatever, whether native or otherwise, being, in ignore the fact that I am frequently sober. Besides, if you read your
fact, lightly posed on a magnificent new Brussels carpet (a present FuN regularly you would know I have taken the pledge.
from my numerous lady admirers), with which the Cave has recently A ScParTI.-I pity, but cannot help you. Scepticism is the vice of
been adorned; nor am I at Newmarket, there being nothing in par- the age. If you don't believe I killed those grouse as I say, I am
ticular going on there just now to call for my presence, as the merest sorry for you. It may be an impossibility, but I did it.
tyro in racing matters will tell you; and, as for my name being JOHN HIGGos.-I- Hullo! This is my John Higgs' He's
MacGregor, I have too much confidence in your common sense to sup- found out about the grouse, and uses awful threats! His horse hasn't
pose you capable of believing such a thing for a moment possible. been sent back, either, and he's going to prosecute me for stealing
No, sir, I merely wished to indicate, by means of "classical allusion" it! Ohlor r Here-il'm off.-Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
and quotation not more than usually inapplicable, that I have reached P.S.-Glengarry, Leger.
home again after my short but eventful trip to the North.
To a man of your varied experience, dear Editor, "it goes without RANK AND FILE.
saying" that letters have accumulated in my absence. A selection of "I'm b-but a Shoeblack, Sir, I know,
these I now propose to answer. Yet I will let you see,
But first let me attempt to express with what feelings of remorse I Like D-dizzy even I can crow,
came across a message of yours, which, it seems, arrived immediately F-for I am a K.G."
after my departure for Glenfusky. I hope you will accept my most Thus said a little cove one day
grovelling apologies for not attending to it. Had I known the With quite a swellish stutter,
frantic young man whom I noticed just as we started dancing wildly To our P.D. upon his way;
on the wharf, gesticulating with a paper and shouting, 'Come back, A Kni-knight Sir of ths Gutter."
you old blackguard !" was a messenger of yours, I should have insisted
on the captain's putting back at once, or lowering a boat for my use. AT the Brighton Annual Licensing Sessions the chief constable
I now proceed with my stated that drunkenness in that town was on the decline. We are
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. glad to hear it, but not surprised, the consumption of drink is often
ADA AND A BsETTEa.-I dare say you cin't make head or tail of my associated with rapid decline.
SEPT. 4, 1878.]
HEN I was young and vigorous and healthy,
I knew not what it was to pine or sigh;
The world seemed made for me when I was
I wonder why ?
I was a child of pleasure never sated,
With all the happiness that gold could buy ;
cz K By beauty courted, smiled upon and feted.
I wonder why P
At last there came a dreaded fatal day,
And I was ruined! Things had gone awry!
M- y friends ? some nodded but most looked away.
I wonder why ?
Each crony now seemed changed into a mocker;
Each beauty passed me with a scornful eye;
"Out," was the answer where I plied the
ko r I wonder why ?
Then sickness came, accompanying sorrow,
And lonely on my lodging's bed I'd lie;
Praying, for me, there might be no to-morrow.
I wonder why P
Not quite deserted yet! Life's sweetest treasure-S
One gentle loving face was ever nigh;
And this is what I missed when racing pleasure.
I wonder why ?
PARIS ON STRIKE.
Fauo, Ouu SPECIAL OBssavEn.
1 HAVE been stoned at Blackburn by recalcitrant mill-hands; I have
been metaphorically sat upon in the new Law Courts, not by Sergeant
Buzfuz, but by vengeful masons who objected to my quoting John
Stuart Mill and the Wealth of Nations," because they comprehen-
sively said it was all rot; I have been in lovely Napoli when the
lazzaroni struck, and there was nobody to lie about the quays and
church-steps and make the place look romantic for Cook's tourists ;
I have sat among the Himalayas when the punkahs struck;
and we had to cool our feverish foreheads with more brandy pawnee
than was good for us; I have been in America when the policemen
struck, in Ireland when the Irish struck-the policemen; but Paris in
a striking condition was ere this to me unknown.
(I am informed that this is the orthodox method of beginning a
special correspondent's letter; but the editor has no eye for picturesque
writing, and he won't let me fill the usual three-quarters of a column
with reminiscences of things that might possibly have happened to me.)
A la rigueur you can do without all the striking gentry I have men-
tioned; but cara Parigi (another Special habit) is absolutely impossible
at the present moment. I speak not of the heat, sir, for I am de-
termined to be original; I speak not of the Exhibition, for I intend
to be amusing. No, sir, Paris is rendered uninhabitable and altogether
like London, by the absence of things which in Paris are necessary to
one's very existence. Paris lacks its cookers and its gargongs. Paris,
or, at least, the most essential portion of Paris, is on strike, and
general inconvenience is the disorder of the day. I don't quite know
why, but Paris is a place where you want a cabman and a waiter at
every step. You can't live without them. You are always appealing
to them. They are the friends of your bosom, and the foes of your
small change. And Paris possesses them no more. And even at the
outset I saw that things were all altered, and the Golden City of my
youth was enshrouded in the pall of dark desperation.
(Again the editor arrests the winged fancy in its flight. He doesn't
know that this is the Special Poetic Highfalutin', as distinguished
from the Special Highfalutin' Retrospective.)
I arrived at the St. Lazare station, thankful that the engine had not
struck. I had with me the modest and compact camp equipage of the
professional explorer, who must hold himself ready to start for San
Domingo, or even Clapham Junction, at the shortest notice. Such as
it was, there was nobody to carry it. The porters had all gone out to
look at the cabmen striking. When I mentioned a vehicle I was
grinned at. The cabmen on strike were all conveying the waiters on
strike to problematic restaurants where somebody not on strike could
hand a dish or flourish a napkin.
I waited thirteen hours for a conveyance, and then, saying I was
Mr. Joseph Bradlaugh Arch Chamberlain, of the Birmingham Caucus,
pledged to support strikes anywhere, I prevailed upon a cocher, who
was going to his public meeting, to take me a few yards on my
.way for three thousand francs-in sovereigns. After depositing my
traps in a waiterless hotel, where I had to go down to the cellar in
order to get the bottle of Roederer my cabman insisted upon as a right,
I went to the meeting already mentioned. It was quite moderate in
tone. One cocter proposed that, as republicans, to whom the liberty
of the subject was dear, none of them should ever take as fare a man
whose political principles they didn't like, or a lady who hadn't a
good complexion and pretty feet. It was also decided that no pour-
boire should be less than a franc, and all fares offering coppers to
a cocher should be prosecuted.
In a cabless city I had to walk five miles to the Waiters' Strike
Committee. There they said that to call a waiter three times in forty
minutes sh uld be considered a capital offence ; and to give him less
than two francs fifty for each bock he served ought to debar you from
the services of all the class of waiters.
I had to walk to my hotel; and there serve my dinner myself-I
think I shall return to-morrow.
LOST AND SAVED.
AN IDYL OF THE GAMING TABLE.
No casual observer would have thought that fair-haired blue-eyed.
man, with a saint-like face, abstractedly twanging the Jews' harp, as
he gazed at the sunlit landscape, was the notorious Fred Martyn,
gambler, round, swindler, rogue, and vagabond.
He was alone with his victim, Herbert Clitheroe. They had played,
and deeply, throughout the night, and Herbert had lost his temper,
his money, and his head, but now slumbered gently and sweetly as a
babe in its mother's arms.
Fred Martyn softly laid aside the Jews' harp, and, abstractedly
taking up a pack of cards, carefully stowed away in his sleeves a few
aces and kings.
"He has still two-and-sevenpence in postage stamps," muttered the
Then he shook his sleeping victim. Herbert stirred, and his youth-
ful lips sighed forth the solitary word, Betsy."
Fred Martyn started violently. Roua and rogue as he was, his
fresh cheek blanched, and for a second a grey haggard look came over
his beautiful face.
I, too, once loved a Betsy," he sighed; and his eyes assumed a
weary wistful look as if they would peer back into the past, that past
when perhaps even he was innocent. "Betsy! That word has saved
him ;" and he quietly returned to the pack the cards he had a moment
before secreted. "I cannot cheat a man who loves a Betsy," he
murmured. "Besides," he added, after a moment's thought, "Besides,
he's such an unutterable duffer ; I can easily beat him without."
The consciousness of a noble action imparted an additional beauty
to his saint-like face as he roused the slumberer, and in a few minutes
the pair sat opposite each other, Herbert's two-and-sevenpence in
postage stamps, and a new pack of cards between them.
The excitement was thrilling, but how could a mere novice, for
Herbert was little more, hope to hold his own against such an opponent
as Fred Martyn.
In less than an hour the thirty-one postage stamps were transferred
to the gambler's pocket.
"Ruined! Ruined! !" shrieked Herbert Clitheroe, wildly waving
his arms above his head, and the next moment he fell senseless to the
floor, but as he fell the quick ear of the vagabond caught the one
word Mother !" gasped in a tone of the deepest despair.
Fred Martyn was a bold bad man, but a tear stood in one of his
angelic eyes as he surveyed the ruin he had wrought. I also once had
a mother," he muttered, and acting on a sudden generous impulse he
took one of the stamps he had just won and pressed it on the soft and
clammy hand of his victim, where it stuck. Half-a-crown is enough
for me," he cried, his voice fairly choked by emotion, and not daring
to look behind him for fear the sight of the stamp might unman him,
and lead him to undo his noble deed, he fled from the house into the
And as he fled the gorgeous sunshine played about his golden locks
until it seemed as if a glory surrounded his saint-like features, and as
he rested on a stile and played a soothing melody on his favourite
instrument, the birds trilled in nature's chorus and helped to gladden
his weary lonesome heart, and the gambler, roue, swindler, rogue and
vagabond for once was happy.
Hint to Artists.
THE Cannibal Islands are the best places to go to for evening
studies, as they are celebrated for their sons eat effects.
Caution to Mothers.
Do not let your boys go birds'-nesting. If they capture the sparrow,
they may also catch the thrush.
A MISANTHROPE recently remarked at a farmer's dinner that,
however the butchers might grumble, he was always sure, whenever
he came to market, to meet with a lot of fat beasts.
[SEPT. 4, 1878.
GETTING THE PULL OF IT.
Policeman:-" Now THEN, CABBY, PULL IN THERE A BIT; D'YER YEAR, PULL BACK !"
Cabby (who has stood a good deal of bullying already) :-" PULL IN, PULL OUT, PULL THIS WAY, ULL THE OTHER WHY, I SHALL PULL THE
BLESSED IORSE'S 'ED ORY IF I PULL MUCH LONGER."
CRUEL CRICKET: A GALLIC PROTEST.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
LEYCESTERRE SQUARE, Sept. 2, 1878.
SARE,-I am what it arrives to you to call a Parley-vows and a
frog, but it does me proud, sir, to know I have the heart of me in the
(what you call) droit place.
"Yessur," as say your yarqons, I have the feeling kind sympathetique,
as we call him, and my heart has the bail over with-with-ah!-
I forget what 3 ou go to name him, but no mattare !-since, sare, I
peruse your papers of the sports of old England, and of the game of
" crickets," as you call him, in particular.
Sare, it has never arrived to me to see one play this sport, and I
have the hope I never shall. Nevare Jamais For what I go to
peruse is too much-" kevite too offly shockingg" as says the young
demoiselles of you-and it shudders me to think of him-the sport
crickets, I mean. Look you, share, what I read in one paper
sentement this week past, and have no more of the wonder that write
of him, the crickets game, suchly:-
Firstly, this answer to me is read so "McIntyre then bowled a
maiden over ten times in succession, amidst loud cheers !"
V^There, sare! does not the blood of you overboil to peruse of this
wretch-this miscreant ? Oh, how felicitated I was to arrive to see
Cadbary', CoceaBlock. below show the I
Eece being ab. constituente in each 100
b -r Ptr lt d t aO a om o p ath ir
i y thke ardemoo ol o arl h d Pared Co oa.
area sfwecPlooa.j other reta led al
tfat, ait et* Cocoas re a bout 1s. 4d
2== Sa FOUR TIM Staled aie er,
MOST DELICIOUS BEVERAGES. THE AMOU out d p
RASPBERRY, STRAWBERRY BLACK CURRANT, LIME OF NITBO- per lb.
FilUIT. GINGER LEMON. PEIPERMINT. ,&c. N UThese
-rrps are pecialy suitable for the Sick Room. Piic., FLESH-FOR
Wedding s.,Christmas and Bir'hday Partieso, c. They ING CONSI'I.
are Inseuable for use with JErated Water. Pintslet. 9I TUENTS than
ialf.Dints, In. One dozen Pints sent, carri re paid. for Z'1 the seragk
1i, kett'e SYRUP Or O(RANGE AND QUI.NINE is o p .0. eeo5
heathy Tonie-" W. BECKETT, Heywod, Manchester." oFa ded with ur. i ar a DepoL:-
London Depot: 150, Oxford Street, and all Chemista. -Pgar and st-k.! Beware of
later on that "Lord Harris upon this made a cut off McIntyre for
four!" Bravo! my lordship. It deserved him and worse, this of
defenseless maiden the savage attacks. But what of the cannibals,
sare, whom for he cut? We may eat frogs ; you eat McIntyres,
n'eset eepas ? Voild.
But more had to come then is, for I also read that-" At this point
Mr. Yardley hit both the bowlers all over the field, cutting them with
impunity, till he was himself bowled off his legs."
What savages it comes to all them to be, and allwheres the same
when it is the crickets. No wonder it gets the blood of you up,
when it is cutting always comme Va. But crickets is a manly sport,
say you. No-no, I hate him! for I love maidens, and like not to
have cuts off the fellow sportsmen of mine, for choice. Away go with
you! he is a brutal sport, be is for savage barbers the very game; but
for Christian gentlemen nevare !-nevare !-Tout a vous,
SAUCE FOR THE SALMON.
SINCE rank and titles nowadays are quite the rage and passion,
A little more strong-mindedness Sir Goose will be in fashion;
In days of Baron and Sir Loin, hog's buttock made Sir Gammon,
And we may have Sir Lobster now that they have knighted Salmon.
I C. BRANDAUER & CO.'S Newregistered "rres
series" of these Pens neitherseratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
e elect the pattern best suited to your hand.
got.M i WORKs, BIBMINGHAM.
Printed by JTUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, ootors' Commons and Published (for the Proprietor) at 68, Fleet Street, B.C.-London, September 4,1878.
SEPT. 11, 1878.]
NOTHING DOESN'T LIKE LEATHER.
Fussy and partially deaf Officer, inspecting stables :-" AH, SMITH, WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN CLEANING YOUR HARNESS WITH?"
Smith :-"NOTHING, SIR." Officer:-" AH, THEN DON'T DO IT WITH THAT AGAIN; SEE HOW IT ROTS THE LEATHER."
IDYLS OF THE NIGHT TO IDOLS OF THE DAY.
BY A CONFIRMED IDYLLER.
No. XI.-" WIND AND RAIN."
f^F there's a thing in this wide,
That leaves my brain in a state,
SWith all its nerves and fibres
^ MTo hold the intensest hate,
-, i ^And burns my heart with a furious
X That thing's the sight of a
shower of rain.
I quite abhor the drizzle and
S. N SI loathe the thunderous kind,
And in this thing, I needn't
U I never shall change my mind.
If in my head I'm passably sane
I'll all my days see evil in rain.
And yet this hate (a paradox this
I greatly delight to show)
Is just the cause of the perfectest bliss
'Twas ever my lot to know-
His cause for bliss is palpably plain
Who all his days sees EVELYN RAYNE !
For though the rain we greatly detest
That rains on our outward part,
There's none object (or they've not confessed)
That RAYNE should reign in the heart;
And in my heart, I'm happy to say,
"The RAYNE it reigneth every day "
THE latest Indian advices inform us that a village near Calcutta has
been invested by a large party of baboons, who have taken complete
possession of the place, living with excellent ape-tites on the fat of the
land, and making themselves a regular apey family at the expense of
the villagers. The local constabulary being quite unequal to deal with
this mob of roughs, the assistance of the Calcutta police has been
invoked to move on the obnoxious visitors, or run them in in the event
of their continuing recalcitrant. We feel for the annoyance and
disgust of these ape-ridden folks, and if it be any comfort to them to
know that they are not singular in their affliction we might claim a
fellowship of suffering with them. There are a great many baboons,
gorillas, and various monkey tribes at large in London and other
English "villages, whom the country could very well spare, and
would cheerfully exchange with our friends in the Empire for an equal
number of their specimens, with a liberal discount. We hope to see
a committee promptly formed to carry out this object, which has
hereby our free permission to place our name upon its list of
Breakfast on the Briny."
THERE'S many a slip
'Twixt the cup and the lip,
Especially when you're on board of a ship.
The Railway Company's Postulate.
LET it be granted that our line may be made from any point from
which we wish to start to any point to which we wish to go.
THE DIFFERENcE.-Unlike the alderman who devours him when he
has become an alderman in chains, the turkey-cock gobbles when he
is not eating.
"THE Mad Hatter" wants to know whether hops were not
introduced into England, at the time of the Conquest, by a French
[SEPT. 11, 1878.
UR privilege of
Is bought with
rA cold-as sample
SIs "paid for through
the nose !
But one there is in
All other woes
Assailing with a
The malady of
BHowever, it is
No matter of sur-
From evil it is fated
t For benefits to
I11/ From everything a
Ais There, sure as fate
Wt conomust be--
To good from evil
Will do it-
Q. E. D.!
So, reasoned thus together,
This malady, you'll find,
Will lead to marriage tether,
Or something of the kind.
And yet I am the sample
Of Logic's ridicule,
Exception's sad example
For proving out the rule!
Why shouldn't I rejoice in
The changing from the base ?
Because it has no voice in
My odd unhappy case.
Vhy should it be deferring
Its benefits to me ?
Instead of one preferring,
Alas I worship three!
Each happy laughing maiden,
As good as she is fair,
Is comfortably laden
With console, stock, and share.
Three sisters' eyes I bask in,
Yet, though I could, I find,
Have either for the asking,
I can't make up my mind !
My love, peace-killing, restive,
Might doubtless be confest
To her whose way's suggestive
Of liking me the best.
'Tis terribly enraging
That loophole isn't clear-
To each I'm as engaging
As each to me is dear.
Was any lover ever
In such a wretched plight?
Kind readers, do endeavour
To set the matter right.
A couple of them wooing,
And leave me only one,-
The only way of doing
What really must be done!
From Cannon' !Row.
EXAM. Question. What is the origin of the expression "A won at
Lloyd's" ?-Who was A --What did he win ?-And what games
are mostly in vogue there P?
WEEDS run up fast in the garden, but not on the racecourse.
OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL REPORTER AND THE
OFF THE NORWEGIAN COAST, Monday, Sept. 9th.
SEA-SERPENTS, Sir, have their foibles and fancies, like the rest of
us, and one of these is to curvet and dash through a large quantity of
salt water. On reading up a work on these marine snakes, indeed,
written by that eminent authority, Mr. Henry Lee, I was staggered
to find that one of them was once observed by a certain Mr. J. Miller
and his friends, long since defunct, to be doing its level best (in a very
curved kind of way, however) to cara-cole to Newcastle. After com-
ing upon this remarkable trait in the character of the sea-serpent, I
was prepared for well-nigh anything, and your well-meant telegram
delivered to me on the quay at Fort William a week ago, and
counselling me to Try Norway!" was acted upon forthwith, just as
though it had been a theatrical stage and I a travelling dramatic
I had not in the meantime, I must confess, come upon either the
Rev. Mr. A- of Kent, or the marine monster with the equine
head that had so disturbed his equine-imity. (N.B.-I only say
equine-imity," because the reverend clerical gent was out riding
on the sea-horses on the day of his strange vision.) Three times had I
been lured away to far distant islands by highly-coloured accounts of
peculiar marine captures, which turned out in two cases to be big
congers, and in the third the funnel of a traction-engine, cast ashore
after a violent storm. During my voyaging in and out the indented
coast I was borne down upon by both Colonel Malcolm and Lord
Colin Campbell, canvassing in their respective steamers, with all
sail set, of course; and as I had no vote I impartially promised it to
both sides, and was duly fetched by two steam yachts on the polling
This was not finding the sea-serpent, however, and I was about, on
my own responsibility, to seek in other seas, when your despatch gave
fresh force to my impulse, and sent me flying along at ten loop-knots
an hour (I always prefer loop-knots when sailing, as they are so much
easier to slip in case of a gale) towards Aulesund, where it seems a
monster with a dog's head this time, and a scaly bark which no re-
spectable hound would own, had been remarked gambolling amongst
the breakers by a Christiania journalist, M. Baetzman, who, by his
name, ought to be a good cricketer.
To track this interesting press man to his home was a work of diffi-
culty, but I did it; but he had taken to his bed the day after seeing
the kunecephalous monster, I found, and refused to see me, though
1 sent up a decidedly local name on my card, copied from the
shop-front of a neighboring dairyman. I see now that if by chance
the name I chose was that of the very dairyman to whom M. Baetzman
owed, it may be, a long score for milk, his refusal to see me, and his
eccentric wish, as I thought at the time, that I should take a packet of
Norwegian coins he sent down, and go, are explained.
In default of an interview I bought all the local journals and stood
out to sea again, keeping a special look-out for the trunk studded with
brass-headed nails, with which the hound-headed monster was said by
one Christiania print to be provided.
The following morning I was hastily roused from slumber by the
skipper of my craft*, Angus MacYockleton, and, with a Hist, mon !
Jest lookie yon!" he pointed with his snuff-stained forefinger Sou'-
west by Nor'. South-west by Nor' I looked; and, there gracefully
careering in the lambent rays of the morning sun (or I am almost sure
they were lambent ones), a mighty canine head, with a long tapering
body attached. It was a moment of deep and awful suspense, and
not at all considerate of MacYockleton to strike there and then for
But I was in no mood to be cross at trifles, for there, within easy
sail, Sou'-west-by-Nor' of us-a Sou'-west-by-Nor'-ness our little
craft every moment reduced in its proportions-there, I say, now
sinking under and now topping the foam-crested billows-for the
foam-crestedness I can vouch to the Herald's College, if necessary-
was-well, what do you think P
Why, the sea-serpent, which had been seen by the Christiana
journalist, of course, say you !
Well, so I thought at first, but on getting close up I found it was
just no sea-serpent at all, but the wooden figure-head of the good
ship Bull Dog, of Bideford, with her jibboom attached by a chance
piece of cable.
P.S.-I am hastening home under a heavy spread of canvas, to
take part in the City Clerks' and Physicians' Fees controversies.
From the East.
THE income of our friends who are "something in the City," may
be very properly a matter of uncertainty to us, but there is no doubt
they are in E.C. circumstances.
I beg to say that my having a shipper for my craft, by no means implies that
I need another man to command my temper.-Y. E. S. R.
SEPT. 11, 1878.] IF U N 107
THE City was at its busiest. It was 12 o'clock quite, it might have
been half a minute past, but that's a secondary consideration, when a OFF WOOLWICH, SEPT. 3, 1878.
tall handsome man might have been seen-no, no I think that's been
said before-when a tall, handsome man was seen viewing the Mansion
House and Bank of England with feelings of wonderment. The BEGoN the bauble for awhile
stranger was not dressed in the ordinary acceptation of the term; of B the bauble for awhle !
course he had clothes on, but his appearance, like the weather, was Be muffled for a space, ye bells!
decidedly sloppy," and his bronzed face and long beard went far to The jester's lip hath lost its smile,
further the idea that he had just arrived from some distant climb, or The motley breast with sadness swells.
possibly from a Colonial run."
So thought Mr. Fox Sharper, a smart-looking man about 40, who broke fair, the day was bright,
had all the appearance of a man about town, in fact, who looked like morn broke fair, the day was bright,
a swell with very mobile features. He had been eyeing the stranger Too bright, too bright, to close in gloom;
for some time, and at length spoke; he didn't speak at length, but In peaceful calmness waned the light.
shortly remarked that he'd make a bet that such buildings couldn't Ere dask had deepened into night,
beAll very fine," said the stranger. Five hundred souls had met their doom.
After this Mr. Sharper volunteered much information as to the A thing of life, she speeds along,
dangers of London life, pointing out how necessary it was for anyone
unaccustomed to its ways to beware of swindlers, related how he Where past the ships the river flows.
himself had become a prey, and finally proposed a visit to a neigh- The seamen, listening to the song
boring tavern. Raised by the careless, happy throng,
The stranger willingly assented, several glasses were drank and Credy There the Princess Alice' goes
paid for by Mr. Sharper, who insisted that the stranger should be his Cry There the Princess Aice goes!"
guest for the day. Drinks were followed by dinner, dinner by A warning shout! The laughter dies-
billiards, at which little game Mr. 8. professed himself a novice and A sigeg shout! The laughter dies-
played like one. After this they proceeded to the Canterbury, Mr. The singers, ceasing, hold their breath-
Sharper still insisting upon paying for everything. At last the stranger A crash! Then twice four hundred cries,
thought he must be going. Mr. S. pressed him to accept the hospi- In one wild clamour seek the skies!
tality of his roof, but in vain. Surely then he would exchange cards,
he had never met so delightful a companion before-he must see him
again. The stranger said he should be most pleased, and, with a A plunge from gladsome life to Death!
singularly significant smile, handed his pasteboard, on which was
inscribed Albert Tomlinson, Detective Ofice, Scotland Yard.
'GO TO BATH I"
WoUn you know a place where Beauty
May be always seen about,
And "the waters" do their duty
To rheumatics and to gout ?
Go, youth's golden oats to sow there--
Go, to crop life's lattermath-
Upon any pretext, go there !
Go instanter !-" Go to Bath!"
In old days of cards and dicing
It was called a wicked place;
Now its attributes enticing
Are its innocence and grace.
Yet (for censures more than praises
Stick like plaster to a lath)
People think that "Go to blazes !"
Means no more than-" Go to Bath!"
All exploded, old world notions,
Not akin to modern ways;
Now you quaff nepenthe potions-
Live a round of dreamy days;
Time will here, in loving pity,
Waft you on his smoothest path-
Life runs easy in the City,
Built on springs!-So Go to Bath!"
An Odd Turn-out.
Acconuro to the Belfast papers, Mr. John Rea,
the well-known solicitor, was dragged out of Court
twice, by order of the mayor, Sir John Preston, J.P."
We should have thought a more dimgnified means might
have been adopted towards the offending lawyer, no
matter how grave his misconduct. Although constables -
were employed to eject Mr. Rea, we doubt if he were
able to see the force of the proceeding, for it was Rea-lly
too bad, and, in the words of one of the characters in
-roney, we would say, "Decency, Sir John, decency "
An Irreclaimable Plunderer.
THE blackbird has been called a great thief, but as GLOSSING IT OVER.
for the redbreast he is always a robin. Country Frame-maker (to Artist):-" An, MRS. BROw NEXT DlOOR TO
LITERARY' CHARACTERS.-The alphabet.
YOU, HAS GOTrsm SOME i VERY ,~ GOO PIC W THEYl VE GOT A VERYI
NICE GLOSS8 ON THEM."
10o FU N [SEPT. 11, 187?.
THE CUMPLETt. BUILDER -(BY ONE WHO HAS BEEN A Tt-NANT.)
No. 8.-THE DOOR-HANDLE SPREE.
Oh, and door-handles too You say to your genera' Plumber-Carpmnter-Painter-Laboiurer- So the Tenant, having entered, ask' a friend to look at his
and-Man-of-all-work: Here are the handles; but mind you don't put them on till the new house. Come on, old fellow," says he, "I'll
day before the Tenant enters, as they aren't warranted to bear more than a week's wear." show you the rooms."
l' I ,, ",
Why, here's the bed-room door handle off too I Can't go in there. I'll just pocket all
the handles that come off and show 'em to the Landlord I" And he collects a good pocketful.
(IYL/'!l .. .
FUT 1N.-SEPT. 11, 1878.
JE ~____ __ __ : __-1 ___I
PAUL PRY AND THE PUBLICANS.
Sir B. 1Eenderson:-" I HOPE 1 DON'T INTRUDE?" Publican:-" YOU DO, SIR. YOU INTRUDE VERY MUCH."
Sir E. Tenderson:-" THEN IT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE. GOOD DAY."