• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Index
 Fun
 January 2, 1878
 January 9, 1878
 January 16, 1878
 January 23, 1878
 January 30, 1878
 February 6, 1878
 February 13, 1878
 February 20, 1878
 February 27, 1878
 March 6, 1878
 March 13, 1878
 March 20, 1878
 March 27, 1878
 April 3, 1878
 April 10, 1878
 April 17, 1878
 April 24, 1878
 May 1, 1878
 May 8, 1878
 May 15, 1878
 May 22, 1878
 May 29, 1878
 June 5, 1878
 June 12, 1878
 June 19, 1878
 June 26, 1878
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00032
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00032
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Page 1
        Page 2
    Preface
        Page 3
    Index
        Page 4
    Fun
        Page 5
    January 2, 1878
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    January 9, 1878
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    January 16, 1878
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    January 23, 1878
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
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        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
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    January 30, 1878
        Page 45
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        Page 51
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    February 6, 1878
        Page 55
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    February 13, 1878
        Page 65
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    February 20, 1878
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    February 27, 1878
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    March 6, 1878
        Page 97
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    March 13, 1878
        Page 107
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    March 20, 1878
        Page 117
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    March 27, 1878
        Page 127
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    April 3, 1878
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    April 10, 1878
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    April 17, 1878
        Page 159
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    April 24, 1878
        Page 169
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    May 1, 1878
        Page 179
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    May 8, 1878
        Page 189
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    May 15, 1878
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    May 22, 1878
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    May 29, 1878
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    June 5, 1878
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    June 12, 1878
        Page 241
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    June 19, 1878
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    June 26, 1878
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    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text
































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-, .-~--- I


LONDON:
PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,
153, FLEET STREET, E.O.


%, ,, .,, '*n .


































:GZDD~


THE RED BOOK: A MYSTERY.
Y~ ONAS CRABBIWA YS was a blight in our midst, turning our
*J delights into gall. Every party we gave was made a miserable
chilling failure by the presence of that man, who couldn't dance,
sing, play croquet, or hand biscuits, but would scowl in a corner. We
were obliged to invite him, for we feared to urge him to further objection-
ableness. He swindled us all; was incessantly suing or knocking us
about; his language was fearful; not one of our daughters dared to
become engaged to anyone, as he had threatened to murder any of
them who did not wait until he should make up his mind as to' which
he chose to marry. His form was horribly ungainly; his face was
fiendishly hideous; he fired guns all night, made bonfires all day, set
savage dogs at people, and kept pigs and howling cats; he never paid
for anything; he spunged ; he was supernaturally ignorant and stupid,
and disgustingly poor.
He had arrived at exactly the most objectionable age (we hasten to
explain that it is not the age of any one of our readers) ; and for ten
years not a man of us had known him to pay for a drink. But, from
abject and cringing fear, we invited
him to drink every time we met him.
One day lately (by a coincidence,
the very day of the publication of
the twenty-seventh volume of the
new series of FUN), Hob Nobber
(one of our lot) met the person
Crabbiways. Good morning,"
said Crabbiways (he had always
greeted folks with "Ugh!" or
"Bah !" before) ; come and have
a drink." Nobber went, and Crab-
biway paid for the two drinks! /
Nobber related this to us all, pale //
with a surprise almost terror. All
that day not a bonfire was lighted
by Crabbiways ; all the next night
not a gun-fire waked us. Next e
morning as we talked about it we
saw Crabbiways pass, and he looked
less ugly than hitherto! He had
seven savage dogs with him, at
which we all tried to sneak away.
"I'm going to sell my dogs," he
said, because they bite people."
We couldn't speak for astonish-
ment, but went mechanically and
stared over his garden-wall. The
pigs and cats had gone! Then Crab-
biways came back home without his
dogs, and greeted us kindly as he
went in. "Well, he has altered!"


we said. "There's some extraordinary influence at work !" And,
prompted by vague curiosity, we went and peeped in at his dress-
ing-room windows. He was dressing for a party at I. Jinks's. We
now remarked that his head (which had been completely and revoltingly
bald) had grown some beautiful wavy brown curls at the sides ; he
appeared taller than of yore by an inch or two; his figure had per-
ceptibly improved, and other strange changes had taken place. As we
gazed we saw him take from a drawer a thin red-cloth-bound quarto
book, beautified on the front with a gilt balloon: he began to rub his
head with this book, and we actually saw more brown curls appear.
This is not a romance-it is solid fact.
Then he stood upon the mysterious book (on which we caught sight
of the words: Vol. XXVII., New Series ") and became two inches
taller; rubbed his feet with it and immediately danced exquisitely ;
rolled on it, and as he rose we marvelled at the improvement in his
figure. After this he took out an empty purse and placed it upon the
book; the purse became full; then he put his patched and threadbare
clothes upon the book, and in an instant they were new and glossy.
That evening we met Crabbiways at I. Jinks's ; he was almost hand-
some; he danced exquisitely, the
girls evidently accepting his atten-
tions with far less repugnance than
before. I watched him go into a
dark comer and place his lips to the
mystic balloon-beautified book;
then he sang-oh, so sweetly
He handed the cakes faultlessly;
.h.. e would have even played
S croquet.
; After this be read the strange
b' ook frequently, and I saw this man,
erst utterly devoid of intelligence
and ordinary information, become
of brilliant wit and fathomless
<.% learning.
A few days ago, as he stood at
his gate, we were struck dumb by
.his beauty. He had become much
brow, framed with rich flowing
A I brown curls, unstudied yet sculp-
tural pose, sweet yet fearless expres-
sion, and noble bearing, formed a
picture in which the aesthetic enthu-
siast might indeed revel! The
daughters of our locality compete
madly for his hand. I and my
friends had made many but fruitless
efforts to obtain possession- even
by the most unscrupulous means-
of the RED BooK !


JE -PJK -r



























A NTEDILUVIAN Story (An), 53
After the Banquet, 79
At Her Feet, 109
Anticipations ef the Royal Academy, 185
Appeal (An). 195
Among the Pictures, 205
Another Old Man of the Sea, 226
BAR Sells, 23
Building Acts (The), 36
Bsffi-d Quests (The), 94
Burlesque of the Fleet (The), 114
Boat-Race Beauties; or, Lines on Pretty
Faces, 156
Bosey's Revolution, 210
British Strikada (The), 219
By These Presents, 257
CABINET Council (The), 78
Coming Race, (The). 129, 143, 150
Costume Ball (A), 150
Creating a Little Work," 155
Creating an Obstruction, 166
Circumnavigation with a Vengeance, 186
Crowded City (The), 210
County Court's Protcre (The). 216
Complete Vegetable Moralist (The) :-
No.1. E'sav on the Gooseberry, 190
,, 2. Rhubarb (The), 200
3. Apple (The), 210
,, 4. Pear (The) 226
5. Grass. 242
6. Tater (The), 252
7. Carrot (The), 262
Croquet, 253
DOTS by the Way:-
Peace or War ? 21
End of the Fight (The), 95
Which is the" Liberal" Side I 113
Term of Peace (The), 118
Spring. 176
Deep Ship Keener (The), 26
Discomposed Compiser (The), 85
Drama of the Day (A), 61
Dependent 1 63
Drop by Drop. 137
Difficult Party (A), 171
Determined Attitude (A), 200
EARLY Worm (The), 42
Erotic Effusion (An), 75
Extracts from the Commonplace Book
of a Connoisseur, 85
Experientia Dneet. 98
Experimental Blessing (An), 170
Endless Gold, 221
FRIENDLY Offer (A), 18
Friend in N ed I (A), 125
Fourteen Candles, 139
Fan's Farce : -
No. 3. Water Supply (The), 190
,, 4. May the Best Horse Win, 240
GooD Joke (A), 5
Gladstone Bag (The), 52
Great Obstacle to Human Happiness
(The), 176
Guarantee (The), 242
HISTORY of the Year. 83
How the Army was Mobilized, 89
Hardly a Curse, 108
Here, There, and Everywhere, 109
" Handsome as Paint," 211
How to write a Patriotic Song, 241
IN Dreamland, 7
JEREMY Titmouse's Benefit, 7
"Jack in the Box," 47
LITTLE Failings, 11
Lays from Lempritre:-
Labours of Hercules (The), 27
Little Too Much of It fA), 88
Land of the Roughs (The), 118
Lessons in Fencing, 128
Lay of the Humourous Bard (The), 160
Luck, 1665
MY Friend the Curate. 6
My Nice New Year, 3S
Morbid Man (The), 36


" My Awful Mater," 41
Man who was Lucky in Law'(The), 62
My Valentine, 68
Many Returns and Small Profits, 144
My Fair April Fool, 145
My Nice New Year Again, 230
NEW Leaves, 15, 45, 66
New Allies (The), 118
National Types Abroad, 161
OLD Merry Boy's Song, 43
Our London Letter, 57
On the Art of Verse (Writing), 65
Oppressed and the Oppressor (The), 86
Odd Items, 93,98,135, 160, 185, 252, 267
On War Poetry, etc., 103
Our Extra Special Interviewer on Him-
self, 175
Opening the Paris Exhibition, 195
Our Automaton, 206
Our Extra Special Reporter at the Paris
Exhibition. 207. 215, 220, 247
Our Extra Special Reporter at Berlin,
258, 262
Old Bachelor's Rules for the Manage-
ment of Infants in Lodgings (An), 260
PowER of Chaff (The), 16
Poems on Pro's: -
Walking Gent (The), 23
Berio-Comic Lady (The), 31
Plea for the Poor (A), 41
Pith of the Papers :-
No. 1. Front Page (A), 78
S' 2 Series of Extracts (A), 88
S3. Bias v. Prejudice, 188
Panacea (A), 104
Pastry and Passion, 134
Pdionous Police Court (The), 161
Palladium sf Justice (The), 180
Played Out, 218
Prophet Jones (The), 225
QUITE Another Affair, 46
RHYMES without Reason, 87
Rapid Conversion, 68
Rather an Incubus, 125
Raising the Fares. 147
Royal Academy (The), 205
Rhyme and Rhythm, 215
SEARCH for a Stamp (A), 11
Sanitary Fable (A), 13
Settling the Difficulty, 57
Some Incidents, 63
Sumptuary Regulations, 78
Seeing's Believing, 79
Spell in the City (A), 83
Servant' Agencies, 187
Sporting Notes and Anticipations, 220,
232, 251, 261
Song of a Serenader, 237
Sporting Notes, 247
Sway of Sense (The) ; or, a Muser's
Misconception, 248,259
TEMPERANCE Sale (A), 27
"Timel Timel" 98
Tale of the Dardanelles (A), 99
Too Good for His Place, 108
Tenors of Paltontology (The), 124
To a Young and Lovely Lady Doctor, 170
Triolets, 253
UNNECESSARY Visitor (An), 12
Utter Absurdities, 55
Unselfish Society (An), 56
Unequal Match (An), 87
Unfounded Rumours, 159
Vested Vagaries, 119
Visit to Vegetarians (A), 165
Very Puzzling Circumstance (A), 206
Vanishing Calf (The), 267
WORKMAN of the Future (The), 47
Wanted a Cottage. 54
Wicked Liberal (The), 78
Wrong Impression (A), 83
Waterloo Gossip, 97
Was He Mad ? 123
Worthy Patriots. 196
What We may Expect, 187
With Care I 262
YOUNG Pretender (The), 143


ENGRAVINGS. Physic-all Pain, 97
Past and Present. 109
"ABn Longa," 14 Policy without the Honesty, 159
At a Servants' Registry Ofce, 48 "Pleasant Mixture (A)," 198
Altering the Complexion, 54 "Pay Your Way," 218
Adventures of Mr. Scatterbrain (The) :- tting His Pipe Out. 226
No. 1. 86 Popular Air (The), 241
2. 134 Premature, 253
Academy Notes, 196 QUITE the Historical Cheese, 52
Anything but a good Hop-a-tune-ity, 208 "Quite Cracked." 66
Armorial Bearings, 209 "Qui s'excuse s'accuse," 178
BarTISH Workman (The), No. 17, p. 93 RATHER Roughshod, 45
Bowlers and Ulsters, 116 Real Talent, 137
British Tradesman (The) :- Recollections of a Fancy Dress Ball, 179
No. 11. 162 Recollections of the Royal Academy :-
,, 12. 172 No. 1. 192
,, 13. 182 ,, 2. 202
14. 199 ,, 3. 212
"Buy and Sell" (A), 171 Round(about)ing on Them, 2388
"CHEMIST V. Doctor."--One 'Phas" of Race Notes. 239
the Question, 8 Road to Reformation (The), 264
Chronic, 12 STYLE is Essential," 82
City Article, 85 Satirist's Victim (The), 38
"Cutting," 107 Sophistry. 126
Considerate, 144 Science Below Stairs, 183
Clear Grit, 167 Simple Division. 147
Chemist-erious Hide-a on Tommy's Part Scraps for the DAy," 158
(A), 201 Studio Notes, 187
"Cutting," 221 Simpson." 250
Complete Builder (The) To
No. 1. 222 (The):- TENDER SuRgestions, 5
,, 2. 244 Too Much Luxury, 44
3. 254 To W. S. G., 76
D 3 25 Two Sides to the Question, 77
DOTOR v. Chemist.-The Other Bide of True Love Again 1 87
the Question, 28 To Have and to Keep, 125
District Surveyorisms, 120 That Capital Notion. 149
Done his Best, 161 Turn and Turn Again, 149
Derby Doings, 229 That's the Ticket. 1" 177
ENOUGH is as Good as a Feast, 127 "Touchinr Him Up," 188
FULL Value Rquired 22 This Day Half-Year, 211
FULL Value R'quired. 22 "Too Bad," 230
Fitting a Name to Him, 34
Foreboding (The), 74 VALENTINE Fancies, 87
Flower Exterminator (The), 110 Valentines for Notorious Characters, 75
Flowery Compliment (A), 228 Varnishing Day-Royal Academy, 1T78,
Fun's Derby Hieroglyphic; or, Clear and 181
Comprehensive Tip Typical, 231 WAR Party (The), 86
"GOODS Removed-Taking all Risks," Weather or Not. 64
146 Willing to Oblige. 84
Great Advantage to the Public (A), 189 Wetghty Matter (A), 94
Generous Offer (4), 263 Within a Mile of Edinboro' Tune, "191
HARD Labour, 61
Hopeless Case (A), 62
How to Load a Vessel, 80
Higher Education of Women (Thel, 139
How to Get Up a Petition to Parlia- CARTOONS.
ment, 140
INK-REDIBLE Obstinacy, 51 ABOUD of Mystery (The), 89
In-coming and the Out-going (The), 117 Anglo-Russian Agreement (The), 265
" Improving" Landscapes, 130 BLANK Canvas (The), 9
Israe-like-ish Impudence. 169 Budget (The)," 141
6' It Might be Borne," 260 Battle of Words (The), 213
LATEST Innovation (The), 24 COACHING the Crew, 153
" MEET Sympathy," 96 Congress Races, 234
Memories of a Sunday in Hyde Park, 100 DIPLOMATIC Traps," 19
Matrimonial, 107 Drawing His Teeth, 101
Mems. of the Boat Race, 157 Dressing for the Congress Fancy Ball, 181
Man who" Struggled" to Express Him-
self (The), 258 GREAT Sensational Performance 69
More Than Two, 268 Germany's Intervention, 178
No Pride About Her 1 42 Going to the Congress," 245
Not "Back" Ward, 105 LORD Derby's Baby, 121
Not the style for Many, 106 MORE Diplomacy-Le Malades Imagi-
"No Impediment," 261 nees, 198
" ONE Touch of Nature," 15 OTHER Fish to Fry," 49
Oveou Nate" Our German Chef, 255
On Hand, 115 PREMIER'S Valentine (The), 70
On the Right Scent, 136 Peace and Prosperity v. War, 183
" Off and On" or. "Out of Sorts," 243 QUESTION at Starting (A), 29
"Oaks" and O~ks," 248
One View of the Case, 251 RUSSIAN Bear-Glars on their Key-Holy
Mission, 91
PROTECTION to Freigners; or, the Hand Russian Card Trick (The), 213
of Justice, 18
Poser (A), 25 SNAKE Charming, 168
Professional Rights, 85 Situation (The), 203
Pet Adntes on Valentine's Day, 6 Tor (ts
Postal Adventures on Valentine's Day, 65 Treaty of Pe(ace(The), 111


I




























A GOOD JOKE, as he could for giggling, and then he dropped into his place in the
"PRISONER," said the Judge, "it's perfectly scandalous; you are procession, and walked to where a little preparation had been made '
being tried by a jury of your fellow-countrymen for the most delibe- for his reception. And once or twice on the road he laughed so that
rate murder, and you keep on laughing aloud. It's abominable." the sheriffs had to pat him on the back.
Here the prisoner pulled himself together a bit, and tried to look And when his necktie was adjusted, and all was ready, the profes-
solemn, but as every sional gentleman was
fresh witness gave his quite startled by the loud
evidence he couldn't "s- f-- Ha ha ha that he
suppress a titter, and managed to get out. He
when the jury brought in k was not only startled, but
a verdict of "wilful s his curiosity was piqued,
murder" against him, he so he whispered to his
roared aloud with merri- victim, "I say, what are
meant till the tears came you larfin' at ? tell us on
into his eyes. the Q T." Don't tell
"Perhaps you'll have anybody till it's all over,
the decency," said the then," whispered the
Judge, to leave off pinioned hero of the hour,
laughing while I sentence 'cus it might spoil theh
you to death. You seem joke. But-ha ha! ha!
to treat the affair as a -it's the rummest go;
good joke." they're been and found me
"It is," said the pri- guilty of murder, and
sooner, holding his sides. they're going to hang me,
"It's a prime joke---" and it wasn't me as done
"Perhaps you'll think it, after all. It was Bill
differently when the chap- Smith; I seed him do it.
lain has talked to you," a p Ain't it a lark ?-ha ha !
said the Judge; "I hope ha
you ill." b The professional gentle-
Then he put on the man didn't answer. He
black cap, and sentenced had nothing to say, having
the culprit to death. shot his bolt. But he
"Oh," shrieked the thought it was a rum
condemned man, as they -sort of a notion of a
took him downstairs; joke.
"somebody hold me up,
or I shall die o' larfin'.
It's the rummest go I Hear I Hear! I
ever heard of." Then he No less than seven
went off again till he men, all the flower of
was black in the face. the Household Troops
When they put him in volunteered for active ser-
the condemned cell, and hsevice as soon as it was
brought the chaplain to known that the successes
him, it was just the same. i of Russia called for the
The poor wretch burst out interposition of England.
laughing the moment his .1 ~ t p~. With this glorious ex-
crime and its consequences ample in the present, the
were mentioned. recollections of Crecy
The chaplain was na- TENDER SUGGESTIONS. and Poictiers, and the
turally horrified, and Spiffins (poetic):-" An, MUGGINS THIS REMINDS ME OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL knowledge that at least
tried to reason with him, LINES, "TIs PLEASANT TO BEHOLD THE WREATHS OF SMOKE ROLL UP AMONG seven more men might
and make him explain THE MAPLES OF THE HILL.' be obtained upon emer-
his inopportune levity; tggins (realistic):-" So IT Is, So IT IS, BECAUSE IT LOOKS AS IF THEY agency, who is base enough
but all that he could WERE A-COOKING OF THAT STEAK AND ONIONS WE ORDERED AT THE INN PROMPT to say that England has
get out of the man was, LIKE. TIME'S NEARLY UP, I THINK, OLD MAN." lost her p lace in the
"No; it 'ud spoil the scale of Great Powers,
joke if I told you," and and is no longer able to
this was always followed by a paroxysm of laughter. cope unaided against all the Continentalnationson at once! English.
But the big day came at last, and the sheriffs and the professional men, it is time to be glad!
practitioner, and when they went into the prisoner's cell and woke
him, and he saw what they had come for, he turned over in the bed FROM the reply which certain of the European Powers have made
and laughed till the tears rolled down his cheeks, to the Ottoman Circular, they have evidently mistaken it for a circular
He got up and dressed himself, and swallowed his breakfast as well Ottoman; something to be sat upon.

VOL. IXVII.








FUN.


[JAN. 2, 1878.


MY FRIEND THE CURATE.
SUPPOSING Fate had cut me out
To fill a Curate's place ;
Supposing I were girt about
With ev'ry moral grace;
Suppose my dearth of worldly stains
Were like to cause remark-
I'd take considerable pains
To keep my goodness dark.

By what befel a Curate friend
a I would be warned in time,
And even, if required, pretend
To some extent of crime ;
'i To help me out in my pretence,
3My eyeball should impress
The keen observer with a sense
Of inward wickedness.

(All this, provided there were need
Of such disguising sham-
A'superfluity, indeed,
S Conditioned as I am !)
Yes, certainly-(in order not
To suffer in the end)-
I'd just be warned in time by what
Befel a Curate friend.

This Curate friend's religious light
Was anything but dim,
And people struggled all their might
For sittings under him ;
Nay, zealous ladies made a stir
To touch his garment's hem,
And Mrs. Dystricht Vizzeter
Was zealousest of them.
Now this admiring lady had
An overpowering whim
For recommending all the bad
To go and talk with him:
The Curate would have held it siti
To stultify her fad,
And showed unmingled pleasure in'
Receiving all the bad.
The lady sought the dark abode
Of Vice's deepest tint,
In Ratcliff, and Commercial-road,
And all about the Mint.
For in that regions' guilty gloom
Bad characters are rife,
The act of shaking hands with whom
Would damage oni for life !



















And when these wicked persons stole
And slunk about the dame,
She took them by the button-hole
And breathed the Curate's name.
"Do go and have a friendly chat !"
She said; you wouldn't guess
How glad he'll be; he's living at
The following address.


These persons (seeing in her eye
No sign of threatened ill)'
Would very heartily reply,
"Well, thank ye, ma'am; I will."
They thought at once, these simple folk,
That one on pleasure bent
Had asked them to a friendly smoke
By way of compliment,
They generally gave themselves
A little extra-scrub,
And took their pipes from off the shelves,
And gave their boots a rub.
And thensproceeding in a band
To where the Curate dwelt,
They shook him warmly by the hand
And'ask him how he felt.
The way they drank the Curate's health
Was quite a thing to note !
They also had a mighty wealth
Of stirring anecdote.
Now one would dance a cellar-flap,
Now one would sing a song,
And Time, reclined in Pleasure's lap,
Was gaily borne along.
The Curate knew his duty's path:
What breast with pity warmed
Could drive these sinners from its hearth
Untaught and unreformed ?
It might offend them to explain,
The Curate thought, that he
Had not expected they'd remain
Each night till two or three.
They told him tales of Bill and Bob,
And how they cracked a crib;
Or broke a bold policeman's nob;
Or 'smashed a lady's rib.
Then little smiles the Curate shed,
For, had he rudely blamed,
Those hapless sinners might have fled
And never been reclaimed.
But when he tried to lead them thence
With boys who didn't care;
And afterwards, in consequence,
Were eaten by a bear.
Condemning vice (which comes to shame,
And grief, and catches it),
They seemed to think the story tame,
And swore a goodish bit.
And when they'd called and smokedlaway
For many, many days,
That Curate, I regret to say,
Began to like their ways:
He very lately made a stir
(The daily papers said)
By robbing Mrs. Vizzeter
And jumping on her head.

The "Last" Rumour.
THE Government has issued a contract for a large number of
pairs of boots.fdr the army. If we are to go to war, it is quite right to
look about for plenty of Bluchers and Wellingtons, and if the English
people cannot enter the present strife with good hearts, it's as well thel
soldiers should do so with good soles. That order boots a good deal,
and those who shoes to search may penetrate its meaning.

In the Toils.
THE worthy member for Burnley, speaking on temperance the other
day, said that "the toils of drink" form a standing barrier to the
elevation of the working classes. It is, unfortunately, true that too many
of them toil harder standing in front of a bar than they do anywhere
else, but they seem to like the work, and it frequently results in
" elevation" of the most surprising nature. How would Mr. lvIlands
account for that ?

Shocking!
IT is not always advisable that too close a connection should exist
between Press and Stage. It is, however, positively painful when we
find them united in one person, and that a person who is sentenced to
nine months' hard labour. John Presstage, the constable who stole.
a watch and chain, is a disgrace to both professions.









TAX. 2, 1878.]


VUJN.


IN DREAMLAND.
I'n.a dreamer by nature, I'll honestly own it,
Aeilal castles I've frequently built;
Perhaps I have sense, but I fear I've not shown it,
yndthat is undoubtedly equal to guilt.
Lwikh todiscourse on the dreams I've had lately,
I'11 not k-ep y.:,u long. for in number they re few,
4Adi .here would remark that they've swindled me greatly,
For up to the present they haven't come true!
Now I-recently dreamt (and the dream.made mqjoqyous)
'That I dwelt in a rural Arcadian spot,
Degjid of the general cares that annoy us,
"Where no quarter days worried, and taxes: were not.
No creitora.c aUdJQ jicessantly dun me-
ITo bid me remember some bill overdue;
No landlady came with revilings to stun me-
But up to the present ithasn't come true I
I dreamt I was handsome,, and heiresses sought me
And begged me to single outone from the lot.
I selected the fairest, much Jucre she brought me,
Then I shone among nobles-a very big. pot."
I dreamt I'd a pair of good boots on my '" tootjies"-
That I sported a chimney-pot," glossy and new,
And I dreamt I'd a fortune like Baroness Coutts's-
But up to the present it hasn't come true I
On another occasion (ah, poor ignoramus!
To think myself clever in any respect !)
Mlethought I'd become as an author quite famous,
A "pet of the public with laurel brows decked.
I'd genius I dreamt, and was eager to show it,
And fancied I'd silenced the critical crew,
And methought I had gained great renown as a poet,-
But up to the present it hasn't come true!
I dreamt that I wallowed in poverty's ditches,
Discarded by all whom I reckoned my friends ;
And I dreamt the next night I was burdened with riches,
Yet minus the joy that benevolence lends. '
And I dreamt that the maiden (the one I've changed hearts with)
Had faded away, as it were, from my view-
Someone else took the kisses she now and then parts with;-
But I'm happy to tell you that hasn't come true I!

JEREMY TITMOUSE'S BENEFIT.
AND WHAT CAME or IT. A STORY OF REAL LIFE.
SEREMY TITMOUSE was
an enthusiastic admirer of
the Stage as an institution,
and of all that belonged to
it as well. He would have
given anything he possessed
to have been an actor, that is, a
successful one, and in his earlier
days had belonged to an amateur
club of histrions. His success,
however, had not been such as
SI tempted him to persevere, which,
perhaps, was all the better for
him, as, starting in the world
with next to nothing, he was at
the time I -write the proprietor of
a well-to-do drapery establishment,
employing quite a dozen young
Gentlemen and ladies," to say
nothing of outdoor people, in one
of the busiest portions of London.
Titmouse's greatest delight was
to go to the theatre, especially if he
could but obtain an order. He
supplied several of "the pro-
fession" with what small'things in
the way of hosiery they happened from time ,to time to want, and
occasionally would obtain. free seats for himself and family-for
Jeremy was married, and his belongings were all as stage-struck as
he was himself- and son such occasions our hero was a happy man
indeed.
Not that Jeremy iwas particularly mean. He paid his way cheer-
fully, and was generally considered a fairly liberal employer. But there
is that about the atmosphere and surroundings of a theatre no man has
yet been able to -thoroughly comprehend. The most generous will hold


their-hands and stand back when free admissions are mentioned, and
to Jeremy the charm of an order was only less than the rapturous
thought of, some day or other appearing in a leading character
himself, at one of the morning performances which are specially
arranged.for .invalid novelties in the way of acting and writing.
Titmouge, as I have said, was not in any way -a mean man as the
term is best,.inderstood, and he always took tickets whenever any of
his (I, ...rnc.r had .1 little ben." coming off. And it fell that, as lie
was sitting atqpne of these performances, and, as one of the paying
public, not particularly enjoying it, the thought .p denly came into
his head, .'iThy should not I have a benefit, too? "4I
"'Why," reasoned Jeremy, should actors Land managers of
theatres pply.:ave benefits-managers partici4ualy? And he went
straight away ,hpmne, and next day his shop was (placarded with the
announcegert'that on a given day "the whole of :he sales would be
for the be.a t of L,.i: proprivtr, 'Th'itmouse, who-itrusted that on
this occasipn:.his i,.' .4. ".:,,J.3 rally round him nQgd give him a
bumper."
He advertised in the papers, and "posted" his neighbourhood
thoroughly, besides which he several times consulted his friends the
actors as to what was the exact custom of "the profession" when
lessees and managers took a night," determined as he was that come
what would his benefit should be built up entirely on the traditional
model.
The eventful day came in due course, and his friends and the public,
doubtless attracted by the novelty of the notion, swarmed into the
shop, and purchased freely for the proprietor's benefit, and "a
bumper J. T. found it really was when the hour for closing arrived.
What did it 'matter to him, that several low fellows hung'round
and wanted vociferously and rowdily to know why he who benefited
by purchase every day should want a special day to himself Jeremy
comforted his soul with the notion that they might ask Mr. Chatterton,
or Mr. Webster, or Mr. Buckstone, or Mr. Holland, or Messrs. James
and Thorne the self-same question on any one of the bespeak
nights taken by any one of them. And when the shop was shut up,
and he counted his gains, they had an especial charm for him as being
obtained in a way so dear to his heart.
But alas he was not to conclude as happily as he had imagined. On
Saturday night when he, in continuation of his analogy, stopped the
benefit day's pay from each of his "young gentlemen and ladies,"
there was a row in the house, I warrant you. And no explanation he
could give them was satisfactory. Jeremy would willingly have
done without the money, had it not been for what he considered the
principle of the thing, but under the circumstances he was as inexor-
able as they were.
The result was that one of his employs went before a magistrate and
got what is, I believe, called a test summons to represent the lot.
And the worthy beak, when the case came on, sad he had never
before heard of such a piece of tyranny on the part of an employer,
and wished he could do more than simply decide against the defen-
dant with costs. The papers took it up warmly, and were down upon
Titmouse as one man.
And the glory of Jeremy's benefit departed from it when he found
that.after all he wasn't allowed to do, or even to think of doing, what
is the common custom of employers so long as they be but theatrical
or musical.
And he is going to take a theatre one of these days, and run a
chance of being ruined for ever, for nothing but the opportunity of
having once in his life a proper and unmistakably real benefit.
And, anyhow, I fancy I was right in saying that there is that about
the atmosphere and surroundings of a theatre no man has yet been
able to thoroughly understand.


A REMINISCENCE.
HUSBAND.
LET us hang the -walls with holly,
Let us twine the chandeliers,
Let us make the rooms look jolly,
As they did in bygone years.
Let the mistletoe be dangled
In profusion o'er the house,
For these tiny sprigs new-fangled
I consider quite a chouse."
WIFE.
Just be careful with that holly,
Take it off the chandelier,
Such extravagance is folly,
Even evergreens are dear.
If the mistletoe be dangled,
Do it in a careful way,
With those sprigs you call new-fangled,
For they're half-a-crown a spray.









SFUN. [JAN. 2, 1878.


"CHEMIST v. DOCTOR."-ONE PHASE OF THE QUESTION.






















Oh I say, I've unfortunately swallowed half a pint of petroleum by "Confound it I! what are you considering about It will be all up
mistake. Give me something for it-Look sharp I" with me in a minute."


" Well, the fact is I aren't recommend you anything- But these bottles are quite at your service if you like to take your choice."


"Eh t But-look here, I'm entirely ignorant of-oh well here goes 1"


" Dear, dear I what a very unfortunate choice; but it would never
have done for me to intrfer, "


have~~~~~~~ dnfometinefr"







I FTJN.-JANUARY 2, 1878.
------------------------- ^ --- -- ---------------______________________


III TiIt~[J///// ----

I'N~l

St-
























EAS LA








THE BLANK CANVAS,


Dizzy :-" H'M! WHAT SHALL I PAINT-' THE PURCHASE
EGYPT,' OR 'THE DECLARATION OF WAR BY BRITANNIA' ?"


OF THE TURKISH FLEET,' THE ANNEXATION OF









JAN. 2, 1878.] F N. 11


Ar SEARCH. FOR A STAM-P.
OT remain, and ever shall remain, my own
precious petay-wetsy, lovey-dovey, dearest,
sernmptiousnbeautious Matilda, your adoring,
faithful, constant, and true-hearted lover,
Bobby!" "There," said Robert Ribston-
pippin, as he folded the sheet of'note-paper,
S "there I I think that will please her. When
she rceivet~lir first post to-morrow morn-
ing, as she'sacleaning the steps, how she'll
\ii Wjump for j oy#pdlove me still more dearly 1"
R. obert, our;~9114swas, it is unnecessary to
Istate, a yoiS-manT No one but a young
man wonldlsie given vent to such romantic
remarks asftpear at the commencement of
this verasift naitative. Roberto-L" say,
was a you4n.man; and moved- in a some-
whatlismble sphere of life, beingan assistant atV-a-large boot
and sshoewemporium in the southoiWffLondon. And Matilda) tle,
fairrone-to whom he was writing, wahouaemaid -at a large ho6tnw
situate near Biixton'Rise, and thiaeish how theyy met. It happenm~t
thatione'.might Mitild4abeing in wwaxMota pair -of boots (for even
housemaids wearout boots as well sawtheir masters'- tempers), called
in atthe'emporium whereat Robe&V waWengaged. Need I say they
loved atfirst sight? Robert, beit fnamoured of her tootsy-wootsies,.
which wereothe-largestI-" beetle-oeiKrs he had ever seen proposed
at once andwasaoceptb&I; and thi-tourtbdihad gone on uninter-
ruptedlyiuntil.theeventtinamediaitli narastite took-place.: Bantto
resume. "There!"' said Robert,, as, he carefully caligr~phed-the en-
velope,.and surveyed itwithmuclipmhqe, Now I il post-it it's rather
lately Why; good-gracious, I haAn't a stamp," he suddenly thought,
and-allthe postb-o'flee se o aud sois the little chandler's shop
where 'have-oecasionaUiI3Aparchlit'postage stamps. What shall I
do V' Ah, happy thought' I wi to theopaW and:get'one; they'll
obligymneif arpntV" Sf atlonoe- started' to the
"ptb' attI*.t BIt e a iaU'a-pit oa" bitter six."
henit, n oblige me with
a ppst s& ont' tos haven't one," said the
"mil4 s." Deawme,.-how'utlmate! I' much obliged. Good
night I" And swal&owi uphihabeer, he bolted, and stood outside to
meditate. What-shll I do ?" he mused. "I wouldn't have it reach
her later than the first post for a fortune! A good idea! I'll seek
another pub.' So off he started, and on reaching one (it wasn't far,
you may reckon), he repeated his dose and his request. Well, sir, I
haven't got one," said the landlord, or you should have it directly."
Dear me, how strange," said Robert. "Thank you. Good night;"
and again sloped." "I must try again somewhere," he thought,
and so he trudged a little farther on, and entered another pub," and
as it was getting cold and foggy he called for half-a-go of ram hot,
and, beckoning to the host, said pleadingly, Could you oblige me with
such a thing as a postage stamp P" No," said the Bung; "don't
keep 'eml" "Well, there; what acalamity," said the lover. "Thank
you, sir. Good night!" and he fled from the bar distractedly. "But
why despair P" thought he. If at first you don't succeed, try another
pub' !" and he did. And this time he went in for bitter six" again,
not because he wanted it, but he could not possibly, he thought, go
into a-public-house for a stamp without having something for the
"good of the house." But here again he failed to get a stamp, and he
gradually began to despond; still he trudged manfully on- to another
tavern, and once more ordered rum hot; but stilL he failed to procure
what he wanted. So tearing his hair, he rushed off, towards Black-
friars Bridge, and calling in a large gin-palace in that neighbourhood,
he recklessly called for "three of Irish, warm," for he didn'tknow what
to have. And after drinking a part of it, addressed the landlord as
follows:-" I say, ole fller, could you 'blige me pos'age stamp ?"
"No," said the landlord, "I couldn't." "'Well, really nowmos'tonish-
in'thing.. I never 'n all my life'knew such ,a thing'd this!" said
Robert. Mos' unfortunate currencye 's ever' I heard in, the- whole
course of my life! Good ni-. No, I won't go. I'll drown -cares
in flowin' bowl. Here, d'ye hear:- Give's anurrer drop whiskyh'ot!"
and' repeating. his doses till nearly half-past twelve, he suddenly
became somewhat noisy, and at' length was' forcibly ejected. He
staggered on, he knew not where; then, taking his: letter from' his
pocket, exclaimed frantically, "She shall have it yet !" Ard what'took
place after that he knew not.
**
The next thing he remembered was being woke up from a sound,
sleep, and finding himself in a police cell, and being dragged up *before
the Magistrate, charged with being drunk and disorderly, and also with
assaulting the constable in the execution of his duty, &c., &c. The
constable declared that he found the prisoner, about half-past' one in
the morning, knocking loudly with his stick at all the doors of the
General Post Office; St. Martin's-le-Grand, shouting at the top of his
voice that "he wanted a stamp for M'tilda's lerrer!" And the worthy


magistrate fined him forty shiHlings. And Robeair,haviWngno money
wherewith to settle up, had to remain in durazerevtlbuntil the fair
Matilda came and paid it for him. And did sh&'not renounce him at
once and for ever P" the conscientious reader will' inquire. No, con-
scientious reader, she didn't; but like a true-hearted domestietservant,
she, out'oft'er-own hard-earned savings (for all servants hove savings),
gave him the money to put up thefbanns, and paid all expenses, and
they were married in less thawna mtnth; and (of course) lived happy
ever after. Ahd up to the presentVRbbert Ribstonpippin has had no
occasion to reget his adventurer in Search of a Stamp!


CONNUJBfAt BLISSm
BegigmniAff-ff o' Ycer ielt. Aes ddawri*',tSIt..

LITTLE FAILINGS.
I Ax crammed full of faults, I'm a mass of mistakes,
So stupid, in fact, that you'd deem me half-witted;
But though in my way I'm a caution to snakes,"
I think I'm a party who ought to be pitied.
In the courseof my narrative, friends, 'twill appear
That I've reason to look on my faults with bewailings;
But, if you're inclined to be somewhat severe,
Why, my only excuse isj they're family failings
I don't rise very early, indeed, I'd remark
That it verges on noon ere my slumbers are finished,
I have never, at present, been up with the lark-
In fact, my affection for "larks is diminished.,
Then I linger o'er breakfast-it takes me an hour,
For I hate to be hurried whene'er I'm regaling...
.But stay, reader, if you're inclined to be sour,
Pray remember late rising's our family failing!
I've a marvellous talent for missing a train,
I don't think I e'er caught the one I intended;
I've struggled, I've hurried, but always in vain,
'Tis -laziness, maybe, so can't be defended.
I never can keep an appointment-I've tried,
But never succeeded, I own it with quailing;
Pray pardon me, if you've a wish to deride,
I assure-you 'tis only a faniily failing !
I've a wonderful weakness for falling in love,
Each damsel I meet makes me reallyenraptured,
I have only to speak and to squeeze her wee glbve
And to notice her smile, and I straightway am captured.
I have only to gaze on a beautiful "phiz,"
And all .efforts to rouse me are quite unavailing;
I'imi "spooney at once,-I don't.know how it is,
But falling in love seems our.family failing I
My figure is not vdry striking; oh nol
My nose is -what Tennyson styles the "tip-tilted,"
Mf locks are red-tinted, my stature is low,
So you'll not be surprised when you hear I've been jilted.
' My mouth is enormous, my countenance flat,
And my teethare like jagg'd and irregular'palings;
Don't tell me r'm.ugly -I' cnot help that,
For plainness is one of our 'family failings.








12 F U N [JAN. 2, 1878.


CHRONIC.
SCENE : A Surgeon's House. TIME : 3 a.m.
Irate Practitioner:-" How DBAE YOU, SIR, COME RINGING ME UP AT THIS TIME OP THE MORNING, FOR NO REASON?"
Inebriated One:-" No REASON I 'SURE YOU I'M vER' ILL. THOSE CONFOUNDED HICCUPS COME BACK WHICH SEIZED ME LAST WEEK "


AN UNNECESSARY VISITOR.
(A STORY IN TaBX5 CHAPTERS.)

OCnrraT I.
"DaRa me!" said the Demon of Discontent, as he called his
favourite Imps round him one day. Dear me! It's just upon the
end of the year, and we've done no business for along while. Varlets,
we must see to this. Something must be done in the way of sowing
dissension somewhere; but the question is, where ? We have, as you
know, made our power felt in so many places that I fear there is no
other spot where we could reap a good harvest by setting people at
loggerheads !"
Great Master," said an Imp, "with thy permission thy slave
would suggest a land wherein thou couldst work to advantage I"
Say on, Imp !" said the Demon, imp.eratively.
"Sire, I have read of a nation so happy, so prosperous, and so free,
that all its inhabitants are joyous. There lurks no poverty, no
barbarity, no crime. There sin and vice flourish not, and all is peace-
ful and-."
"It's name F" asked the Demon, excitedly.
"EiLAD shouted the Imp, with a yell of triumph, and fell at
his feet.
CHATT]B II.
So the next morning the Demon of Discontent was up betimes, and
took great pains with his toilet; he even washed his face (and it was a
face), and put on his best tall hat. Then hurriedly swallowing two
or three chops, a cup of tea, and a slice of bread-and-butter, he
summoned his Imps, who came flocking in eagerly to do the guv'nor's
bidding, and obsequiously fell at his feet (and they were feet) in token
of homage.
"Rise, varlets!" he exclaimed; and they did, glad of the chance.
"Just pack me up a few things to take with me," said he. Let me
see, I'll take two or three barrels of Gin, about seven pounds of Envy
(if there isn't enough in the stores, ask Mrs. Discontent to give you a


little), a similar quantity of Covetousness, and a little Starvation. Oh,
and pack me up a few Aristocrats, whom I can depend upon, when I
get there, to appropriate all the land they can; and see that the Aris-
tocrats are well provided with game-laws (they'll do their work, I
warrant me, and make the people discontented).
Away went the Imps, and soon returned with a large carpet bag
containing all the articles enumerated above.
"Sire, they are here !" said the Imps.
"Oh, and by-the-bye," said the Demon," mind I don't forget to take
a little Law with me, and some well-seasoned, hard-hearted Relieving-
Officers, and, let's see, is there anything else I shall want F"
"I would suggest a Strike or two," said one.
"Oh, ah, yes, by all means let me have a few Strikes, they'll be
handy. That's all, I think," said he. "Good day." And administer-
ing a kick all round, he took his carpet-bag and started off to catch
the train.
CHAPTER III.
Why, what brings yon back so soon, sire F" said the Imps, as they
opened the door and beheld the Demon.
"What brings me back, indeed F Why, some of you scoundrels
have 'had' me nicely. A happy nation! Why, good gracious, I
never saw such a place in my life. Why, the people actually laughed
at me! I offered them some Strikes cheap, and they told me they'd got
plenty; then I tried to give them a little Law, and they said they'd
got enough Law-what they wanted was Justice! And as for the
Aristocrats, they assured me that they were overburdened with them,
and they'd got all the land as it was, and even enclosed their commons,
and there wasn't room for any more because there was no more land
to steal. And all my stores of Envy, Drunkenness, Brutality, and
Starvation were utterly unneeded. Happy land, indeed! Why I saw
so much sin and vice and misery there that I felt quite virtuous
among them. And when I got to London, by jingo, that was a
' settler 1' but I wasn't. Why, I wouldn't stay in it ten minutes for
fear I should be contaminated. So I packed up my bag and took the
next train back, and if that's England-."









JAN. 2, 1878.]


FUNN.


A FRIENDLY OFFER.
_- -_ N this life we all meet with
Tour crosses,
S Our pains and our penalties
Pf To -day we may grieve o'er our
losses,
To-morrow we'll laugh and
be gay.
Our course may ran calm and
qlIi a" unruffled
For weeks or, for months or
M for years,
Then a change, and we've
Ysv trything, muffled,
I rAnd everyone round us in

aAih, life has its -chops and its

Its stakes, and ambitions and
goals,
I By them 'tis the Demon-
S Te mpaion:shall trouble our
or.-who couldn't do without
And free be from blame to the end,
If he lived without toiling-or-i an ing
And always had moneyy to spend:. !
Yet the rich man -is not without trouble,
At least, it's the fashion to pay
That all pleasureto him is a bubble,
Which bursts-should it come in hisiway.
The more that-one-lhas, the more sorry;,
And bother, eonuhsion, and strife ;
Yes, those are tbheooliah whomharry
And race for the-wealh of this life !
Now, that's what a wealthy man told me,
W'ho heard me repining aloud.
Said he, You are wrong, for behold me
The saddest of all in this crowd.
Believe me, in wealth there's no pleasure
You cannot without. it attain.
How often, though laden with treasure,
I wish I were humble again."
Said I, Mr. Dives, I'm willing
And anxious your word toebelieve ;
With gratitude am fast filling
And pining to think that you grieve.
True sympathy banishes sorrow,
Let mine lead you onward to glee,
And the way is,-I'll ask you to-morrow
To hand over your trouble to me !"

Remarkable Statement.
A cumous account of the death of a centenarian at Wychling, near
Sittingbourne, is given in a daily paper. Mary Butler was 103 years
of age, and retained her faculties to the last. Her husband, George
Butler, was 85 when he died, twenty years ago. Mrs. Butler's
children are themselves old men and women." The writer of this
sentence must be a humourist indeed, and he must have-a tremendous
amount of confidence in the density of those to whom he tells his
o'er strange story.
Bearing Good Fruit.
Mus. LAYA n made the Sultana the other day a present of a shawl,
which had been handed to her for the purpose by the Baroness
Burdett-Coutts. This is very like sending coals to Newcastle, as if a
Sultana has anything in profusion it is shawls. But as our own
Franco-Hibernian says, you may give anything to a Sultana, and
there is bound to be good raison for it.

Strikology.
THE assaults by gentlemen on strike upon gentlemen not upon
strike continue the trade features of the week. The most striking
part of the present strike is the way the men who won't strike get
struck.


A SANITARY FABLE.
Osxc upon a time there was a handsome young Prince who was-
or ought to have been- one of the happiest men in the world, for he
was heir-apparent to the Sunsetless Empire, and was moreover the
husband of a beautiful and accomplished Lady, the darling of the
nation, in whose heart she already reigned supreme. The Prince was
tolerably popular among his future subjects, whose ancient mountains
and lovely vales from time to time re-echoed-so it was vocally
alleged-with blessings invoked upon his Royal head. He was, in
truth, a very decent sort of Prince-as Princes go. He had been a trifle
wild, extravagant, and foolish, but not a quarter so bad as he might
have been, considering his opportunities; and when contrasted with
some of his predecessors, he shone forth a. paragon of virtue and
steadiness.
Now, the Sunsetless Empire being governed on Constitutional
principles, it happened, at the time of which we are writing, that the
statesman who swayed its destinies'awasp Great Hebrew Humourist,
who some years before, hasvng,;.no.,desAite plan for the conduct of
public affairs to lay before the country, had ingeniously supplied this
defect by the promulgation of Poliy ,Of Sewage, which was lauded
to the skies by the members of. hiaya, y, who, with rare exceptions,
never troubled to think on their.own'aenamt-being., indeed in but
'too many instances. destitute of the apparatus indispensable for that
operation. But what they lacked inbrainAsthey made up in docility,
and their voting power was utilised -Wthair -humoroWs leader with
considerable success. The "policy wh!tbiolbaJopular statesman had
then enunciated was not, on the whole, ~oel, but it comprised a very
ingenious theory to account for the,exinueg friaprovidgnce, dissipa-
tion, pauperism, andw crime, minaamua iasatheaseiels were traced to
the neglect-of sanityy laws. Itwas,-eo.onen4ded, absurd to expect
a man tobe'conspicuous for self-respeot'an,4aidaire to keep off the
parish if he lived in,. ahovel built over asieaspool, and-got bd Uwater
to drink -and iw. serberI; also that tanks and porches ad ovens were
desiderata of -the highest importance, and that bad drainage really
resulted in disregard of the Decalogue. There was so evidently a
Ibatis",fcommon:sense.in these sanitary suggestions thatshe Sunsetless
people (being intensely practical) listened with ardour if they did
nothing else, and the theorylound such general acceptlangfthat at length
it became4hhe meresattruism to say that if you want a-man to be a
decent member-of society you must give him a proper place to live
in, and see that his drainage is permanently in good order.
It was about this period that typhoid fever became a fashionable
ailment. Swell after swell of the highest lineage was, in his own
palatial home, stricken down by the Dirt Fiend just as if he had been
a mere common improvident, unsanitary, profligate of the lower
classes; and, all this while, though the ultra-Radical newspapers
teemed with diatribes against vicious aristocracy-for the pace that
season had been particularly severe, and some very pretty little stories
had, in running their cerulean course, furnished congenial employ-
ment for the scandal-mongers-all this while, we say, no voice was
lifted among these intensely practical professors of the science of cause
and effect to expose the evil which was insidiously working such
terrible physical and moral havoc among the golden youth of the
Sunsetless Empire.
Even the Prince's household was not secure against the dread foe.
Years before he had himself narrowly escaped the clutches of the grim
visitant, and the nation had already mourned him as lost. In truth it
was passing strange that nobody ever put this and that together and
evolved a great principle from all these things, though it may have
been that the Sunsetless scientists were too practical to theorise. And
even when the Prince's own town residence was discovered to be built
over what was virtually an old cesspool, still nobody made any sign.
But all this time a sage sat silently pondering these things in his mind
at No. 153, Fleet-street, and now that sage gives forth the result of
his cogitations for the benefit of a benighted, though- intensely
practical, people; and this is what he wishes to point out:
If that which is sauce for the proletarian goose be likewise an
appropriate condiment for the princely or aristocratic gander, is it
wonderful that the disregard of sanitary principles which causes those
abominable lower classes to beat their wives and booze away their
wages, should produce somewhat analogous effects upon the refulgent
swells whom it is at once a privilege and a happiness to admire from
afar ? And as reforms should always begin in high places, there is
now a glorious opportunity for the Great Hebrew Humourist who
still controls the Sunsetless Treasury to act up to his principles, if he
believes in them, by building a brand-new palace upon the most
approved sanitary principles for the lodgment of the young Prince, so
that he may be hedged round by every moral and physical safeguard.
The swells will follow suit, and set their own houses in order; and by
and by, through a general levelling-up, all classes may become
physically, and therefore morally, regenerated.

A MAN Or HIGH STANDING.-One who measures over six feet.







14 FUN. [JAN. 2, 1878.






X, I .1


ARS LONGA."
Old Blatherwick (a retired tallow chandler and a tould-be asthetie :-" AH NOW, WHAT D' YER THINK 0' THAT 60 BY 40 rICTER,-NAT'IAL,
AIN'T IT?" Artistic Visitor (dubiously):-" H'M-YE-ES."
0. B. :-" WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK I GAVE FOR 'IM ?-60 BY 40, MIND YER! "
Visitor (still more dubiously):-" WELL,!I SHOULD THINK-60 BY 40, YOU SAY F-WELL, 60 BY 40 BOB!"


THE DISTRESSED EARL.
THE last rays of the midnight sun were casting most uncalled-for
reflections on the Early English windows of Lord Vavasour's villa in
Wellclose Square, as a fashionably-attired bishop drove up to the door
in a dog-cart, and knocking the ashes out of his well-coloured clay,
rattled his stick along the railings to let the underhousemaid know he
was there. As he did so a tall, pale woman, in a cherry-coloured
polonaise, trimmed with mandarin velvet and bagatelle balls, opened
the postern gate, and, seeing who it was, dropped the drawbridge.
Signing his helmeted coachman to wait without, the bishop entered the
ancestral home of the Vavasours, and was shown into the room in
peacock blue, where lay the last representative of his line upon a
Sheraton couch. "Well, Bill," said the bishop, "any better?"
" No, Jack," answered Lord Vavasour, and I shan't be till you tell
me the answer. I've been awake for nights trying to think of it, and
I can't, and it's killing me." Why, it's simple enough," said the
bishop, tossing up three Nankin blue vases at once with the dexterity
of a juggler. I'll say it again. Why is the thrashing you gave
Lady Vavasour the other day like the Rev. Arthur Tooth ?" "I
don't know," groaned his lordship, wiping the perspiration from his
brow with a lace handkerchief which had been King Alfred's aunt's
before she was married. Oh, Jack friend of my youth, and bishop
of my manhood, I'll give you that real old Chippendale bootjack


yonder if you'll only tell me." The bishop's eyes shone with a blare
of trumpets, and leapt from their sockets as Zazel from the wide-
mouthed cannon. To possess the Chippendale bootjack had been the
dream of his life. I'll tell you, Bill," he said; but swear upon
this early eggwhisk of Herculaneum never to reveal it!" Lord
Vavasour swore. The thrashing you gave Lady Vavasour is like
the Rev. Arthur Tooth thusly," said the bishop, because it is a
whack scandal; the wax candle is the fashionable light of Ritualism,
and the fashionable light of Ritualism is the Rev. Arthur Tooth."
Quick as the contradiction of a great battle in the East, the earl leapt
from his couch and flung a Tudor coal scoop at his tormentor's head.
But the bishop had seized the Chippendale bootjack, and was over the
drawbridge and rattling down Ratcliff Highway in his dog-cart before
you could say Peter Robinson.

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.-Why, this Christmas, of course.

N.oi Ready, the Thirty-Third Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-SIXTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. Od. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.


AS THE BEST FOOD a a m a a
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Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, January 2, 1878.








JA. 9, 1878.] FUN. 15

these form an excellent addition to the long series of "Chandos
NEW LEAVES. Classics."
MzESSRS. LETTS'S Diaries are calculated to supply all desires. They Harvey Sinclair, Bible Wfonders, Rillsfrom the Fountain of Life, and
are large and small, rough and smooth, for the waistcoat pocket of the the Boys of Willoughby School (Nimmo) are small and seasonable pro-
ennuy6ed exquisite, or the work-table of the busiest of business men. ductions of the kind beloved of children from time immemorial.
But, whatever is their use or their intention, they are all excellent, Also from Messrs. WVarne we have received God's Silver and King
and though from Hetel's Daughter,
New Cross, evi- books for the rising
dently constructed generation which
on" straight" prin- should please; and
ciples. the cheap reissue of
.Dacre of the South; Mortimer Collins's
or, the Olden Time Sweet and Twenty,
(Charing Cross Pub- perhaps the best of
lishing Company) is that prolific writer's
a drama in blank novels.
verse. A good deal Saxby's Weather
of it is blanker than Table and Almanac
we should think the tells us we are likely
author intended, to see many
This little difficulty "changes" this
could, however, be year. Weather
easily remedied by permitting," of
means of splendid course, captain!
scenery, magnificent The Sportsman's
costumes, lively hal- Pocket Book and The
lets, &c. ; might in Sporting Life Con-
fact not then be at panion, both very
all noticed. The good things in their
addition of a trans- way, would be better
formation scene and still if they did not
a good clown and contradict each other
pantaloon would d quite so much. If
make its success "records" are
complete. worth anything-
Icon Trevor, from and as these
the same publishers, pamphlets are pub-
is a small tale "with lished mainly in
a purpose," and the their interest, it
purpose is Temper- wouldseemthatthey
ance. A temperate are their deter-
use of this tale may mination should be
be safely recom- in the hands of those
mended. It can who are above con-
hardly be said to tradition. T h e
have served its pur- compilers of both
pose, as a lengthened deserve credit for
perusal would make considerable inge-
recourse to some nuity.
sort of stimulant an Theseventhyearly
absolute necessity. prospectus of the
CavendishonEcartd Printers' National
is another of Messrs. Art Union offers
Delarue's pretty and special attractions to
useful little produc- lovers of these le-
tions, the series of galised lotteries. It
which might well be should be a recom-
called Classics for mendation to all in
Clubmen." anyway interested in
One of the most the various ramifi-
readable books that cations of the Press,
have for long been to know that this
issued by the firm of Art Union is ex-
Nimmo is Travelling, actly what it pro-
Past and Present. It fesses to be, the
treats of locomotion whole of the ar-
in a pleasant and rangements being in
chatty way, from the the hands of work-
first and most primi- ing printers.
tive conveyance up
to the present ap-
parently most comn- Mintonian.
plete arrangements "ONE TOUCH OF NATURE- ." THE Earl of Minto
by land and water. thinks we ought to
Some of the anec- Lodging House Slavey:-" Missus SES SHE 'OPES YOU'LL MEND THEM HOLES IN THE ATTIC interfere at once in
dotes are funny, and ROOF TO-DAY, MR. POTTLES; SHE 'AVE BIN S0 INCOMMODED BY THE RAIN A-COMING INT- ." the present war. The
t h e illustrations, Mr. P. :-" TELL YER MISSUS I'VE SEEN THE HOLES AND I'VE SEEN YER ATTIC LODGER, Earl of Minto thinks
without being am- AND IT'S HIM AS 'AVE BIN INCOMMODED THROUGH THE RAIN A-DRIPPIN' INTO HIS MOUTH OF A it Thyme 0 that we
bitious, are fairly NIGHT AND A-SPILIN THE GOOD SPERRETS HE TAKES OF A DAY. AS A WORKING' MAN I FEELS went in to cHerb
good. okofFrench Fon IM, AN' 80 I'LL DO THE JAWRB AT ONST." the Czar' ambition.
The Book of French Perhaps his advice is
Songs (Warne), ad- very Sage O; per-
mirably translated by the late John Oxenford, would be acceptable haps it isn't. In these rancorous days it is the duty of the journalist
at any time. It is therefore additionally welcome, seeing it has now who expresses an opinion on the war to leave it so that those who pay
bound up with it Miss Stuart's. Early French Poetry. Together their money can take their choice.

VOL. XXVII.









16 FU o [Jx. 9, 1878.


THE NEW ALLIANCE.
The publicans of Windsor have signed a document pledging themselves to
support temperance to the best of their ability.
On, have you heard the lovely news that comes from Windsor now ?
The publicans who trade therein have made a solemn vow
To do their best for temperance, and make it their delight
To wean the wicked customers from drinking till they're tight.
Oh, what a lovely thing 'twill be to watch the landlord frown
When women seek in mountain dew their miseries to drown;
And when they've had a little glass, and say Another, please,"
He'll beckon them aside and speak in some such words as these:
Oh, woman woman do you know that awful stuff you drink
Is bearing you at rapid pace to sure destruction's brink ?
Your nerves are low I 'do not doubt, maybe you have some grief,-
I see you have, you bow your head, and use your handkerchief.
Oh, go from hence, I beg of you, and quickly sign the pledge ;
Dram drinking is a precipice- you stand upon its edge.
Look, here's your tuppence back again oh, leave this cursed place;
I humbly hope that here again I shall not see your face."
And then when wicked working men come in to have a pot,
How sweet 'twill be to hear him cry, My friends, you'd better not.
You've wives at home who sorely need your hard-earned coin, I fear;
I will not be a party to your spending-it in beer." '
His taproom walls will be adorned with'Lawson's photograph
And little texts about the sin of liking half-and-half.
One night a week his concert room he'll letto Bands of Hope,;
Converted potmen will attend to preach to' those who tape.
And when his paying customers have quite abandoned him,
And prospects of a bankruptcy are anything but dim,
When broken health and loss of wealth have all his efforts crowned,
I hope that in a rival's house his clients won't be found.


MUCH- TOO AGREEABLE.
SHu was one of those women you couldAft quarrel with. She was
that agreeable that her'old'man got tired'of it, and tried .to havea,
row for a change. He began' by chucking the things about at dinner,
time, and smashing the'platts, But she only smiled like an, angel,
and said, "Law, duckyl; .how lucky I didn't put the best service
on to-day." And the next'day she did put the best service on, and
he remembered it cost 'him eighteen guineas, and he didn't care to
spoil the set. Then he took to stopping out' late and coming- home
drunk, but when he staggered aupstairs'she always welcomed him' with
a smile, and caught him inf'her arms and kissed him, and said,. "I
wonder, John dear, whatever's been spilt on your coat; it smells like
spirits." Now, this was enough to make' any man wild', so, one
evening he said to her quietly, Ish me, my livsh, I'm toshicated !"
" Are you, John ?" she answered; why, you' old dear, I: shouldn't
have believed it." And then she gave him a sweet' smile that'made
him that mad he didn't know what' to do. But:he wasn't'going, to be
done, he determined he would'have a row somehow or other; so one
night, when she wouldn't believe he was drunk, but: kept on kissing
him and called him an old dear, he just let outt some strong language
and hit her on the head with the fire-irons. She smiled, but she
didn't say anything in particular; She took. him by the handtin an
affectionate manner, and led him downstairs and into the street, and.
kissed him, and handed him over to a-policeman. Ahd! she went
down to the Court the next'morning, and-got him six months in such-
apretty, agreeable way, the reporters fell quite in love with her. And
when he was going away, sheleant over the dock and kissed him, and'
said, "Take care of yourself; ducky; I'll'have a nice dinner for you
the day you come out." And the last thing he saw as he went down
the steps was his amiable wife kissing her hand to him and smiling
away as sweetly as ever.

Bathos.
THE Queen has expressed her intention of conferring on Lord Lytton
the highest honour of the Civil Division of the Order of the Bath."
That is, the division in which soap and shampooers and soft towels
form the chief essentials.

A Sentiment.
DRINK to me only with thine eyes." She was his mother-in-law,
and his gallantry tickled her vanity. He was glad it made her leave
go of the bottle. If she'd gone on drinking to him with her mouth
there'd have been none left for him.

Flat BuRGLARY.-Housebreaking in Edinburgh.


THE POWER OF CHAFF.
MORBID MuSINGS BY A READER OF THE PAPERS.


Is it a horrible story.,that I have read which haunts my days and
nights ? Again I have gone to bed witbhinerves unstrung, and again
waked in the silent night with a start, andisat up and shuddered !
Is it some horrible tale of mystery which I have read, and which
has left this undying impression on my mind ? As I strain my brain
to recall this story- or whatever it was-I recollect that the end of it
was something to this effect:-" The prisoner: 'How about that
white stuff in the cellar ?' Subsequently the solicitor for
the prosecution said that, as the prisoner appeared to be a respectable
man, he did not wish to press the charge too severely."

No; alight breaks in upon me. It was not a story; it was a police
report in a daily paper.
My mind grows clearer; but the impression as of some unpleasant
mystery is unchanged.

As I'sit at 'my'brealdast, my eye fixes itself upon the milk-jug, and
then I.shrink -om it as if it -were a blighting thing, while my brain
repeats-to itself;, "That white stuff' in the cellar," alternated with
"Fake!"
As I gaze into the jug, having struggled hard with, and overcome,
a shuddering disinclination to touch it-I see, far down in its
depths, visions of cellars yawning and gloomy as the tomb; while in
their cavernous recesses lurks, bathed inunholy mystery, the gruesome
white stuff. Shall I ever know what this stuff is ? Each succeeding
day, each successive night, does-the longing to know this coil itself
more strongly about my mind I:feel that unless the horror of this
white stufl'in the cellar is. shortly, cleared up I shall go mad !

As my eye glanced nervously over the police reports this morning,
I read the following:-
"Josiah. Slinker was charged, at; Bow-street with feloniously
entering-the premises of Mi. Wiliamr. Jones, a tea-merchant, and
taking therefrom valuables to a considerable amount, it having been
proved that the prisoner had been known to the police for some
'twenty years- as a very badi character-, and, further, that he had
'already undergone various' sentences f6r larceny and other misde-
meanour.
. "The prisoner (to prosecutor): 'l.say, how about that green stuff
in the tank ?' The solicitorfeor the prosecution subsequently stated
that, as the prisoner had hitherto borne a good character, and
appeared to be a most respectable man, it was thought as well not to
press the charge farther."
There is another terrible mystery My teapot has now become as
fearful an object to me ever as my milk-jug. I sit as far removed
from them as possible, and glare at them, fascinated. Oh, this is
growing too much for me! My brain creaks under the pressure !
What is the potent talisman of the words, "That white stuff in the
cellar," arid That green stuff in the tank ?
*
Again a dread mystery in the police reports-or, stay, is it the
offspring of my racking brain-an offspring born of the other myste-
ries? Perhaps that mystery about the "green stuff" was also an
offspring Maybe I did not read it at all., The latest mystery has
moulded itself into the following form:-
"John Brootle was brought up, charged with violently assaulting
and robbing Mr. Thomas Toffins, a wine merchant.
The prosecutor (breathlessly): Your worship, I don't think I'll
press the charge this time. He certainly did take my watch and
fifty pounds in gold, and two diamond rings, besides kicking me all









FUN.


air, I remark, How about that semi-transparent stuff in the bake-
house ?"
The chaff works. His eyes for a moment glaze, his lip quivers, his
M knees knock-together, then, with an awe-stricken glance, he assures me
g' that, as my chbamoter 4e always been faultlessly respectable, he would
' certainly never think of pressing the charge, and that he further begs
me to accept the trifles I have seized and to come again whenever my
needs may require more.

I have now subsisted in this economic way for some months. My
plan never fails-nor butcher nor milkman nor cheesemonger can
,stand against the spell of those awful words.


over, and leaving me for dead; but, as he'd a highly respectable --'
"The magistrate: 'This won't do. What does this mean?'
"Police-constable X.000: Well, your worship, the fact is, that
as we was a-comin' along here t'other day, the prisoner whispers to
the prosecutor something about That red stuff in the vaults !" and I
never did see sich a change come over anybody as that prosecutor.
As for the prisoner, he's bin transported seven times for seven years
each for violent assaults, and got let off with a ticket o' leave at the
end o' two months each time, and a little time ago he was suspected of
murderin'--'
The solicitor for the prosecution: Your worship, as the prisoner
has hitherto borne a spotless -I might say, angelically irreproachable-
character, we think it would be more humane if we forebore to press
the charge.' "
*
I certainly can't find the above in any newspaper, so I must deem it
the vision of an overwrought imagination.
Horrible forms hover about my breakfast table. What is this white
stuff, this green stuff, this red stuff, that they possess such potency to
calm the just anger of prosecutors P?
*
I no longer fear my milk-jug; my tea-pot and my decanter are no
longer things of horror to me. A light has again been revealed to me.
I am brooding over the POWER oF CHAFF This, then, is the terror
which bids the prosecutor rather shrink into the privacy of his happy
fireside than expose himself to it in court. When I am prosecuted for
my next offence, then will I launch my thunderbolts of CHAFF at the
hapless prosecutor, who will then shrink into himself blushing, and
forbear to prosecute me further !
*
A great plan has evolved itself from out these terrible mysteries,
which have now ceased to be terrible to me. They have revealed to
me a great scheme of Obtaining a Livelihood on Economic Principles!
I will hasten out to try the effectiveness of my new scheme of chaff.
*
I have hastened out. My scheme answers so well as to exceed my
brightest expectations. I work it thus:
Entering the shop of a baker, I seize upon and prepare to carry
away such loaves or other articles as may be likely to answer my re-
quirements for the day; the baker, starting up, is about to arrest my
progress and hand me over to the law, when, with a light and chaffy










li


Obviousaria.
Q.-IF the right people were sent to the Asylum for Idiots, what
rank would be largely represented P A.-Earls would, of course.
Q.-What science would a child name if he excaiimed at finding
his toy gee-gee was hollow inside ? A.-Oh, Gee, followw gee!
naturally.
Q.-What is the present "feeling of the country" P A.-Very
much worse for Christmas and New Year festivities.

With the Times.
THE Rev. Baldwin Brown, of Brixton, and the Rev. J. Heard, of
Stockwell, both Noncomformist ministers, have expressed themselves
in favour of services on Good Friday and Christmas Day. This is as
it should be, despite Noncon" tradition and practice, and shows
that the Brixton preacher Browns to a commendable demand. The
Stockwell gentleman, too, will never be without a congregation, for is
he not always Heard ?

Novel, but not New.
THE Japanese Commissioners to the Paris Exhibition are said to
have brought, among other curiosities, a bronze howitzer, 2,500
years old." Of course it is marked with the date 622 B.c. Believers
in the immortal memory of Roger Bacon will find that all the fat's in
the fire, and our history .of gunpowder completely upset, unless they
can see this gun and find out not only it is a swindle, but howitzer
ranged.

Going for the Gloves."
CANON MILLER has resigned his position on the Committee of the
Society for Propagating Christian Knowledge." We are sorry to hear
this, as when a Miller discontinues fighting the good fight, it is only
natural that the rest of the church militant should fall away and be
extremely lukewarm.

Awful Atrocity.
THE atrocity stories are beginning to bear fruit. We are informed
by an Anti-Turk that when he began to hold forth the other day in
a smoking room, an anti-Russian snapped his nose off in a
second.

A Meet not Meet.
THE Spanish Government have broken off all relations with Queen
Isabella because she dined and took tea with Don Carlos. The
Spaniards do not like this sudden friendship of the rival dinnersteas.

The Sweepery Act.
AN official notification has been issued prohibiting sweeps and
lotteries in India. This seems rather overdoiilg it, as if they pro-
hibit the former, how are they to make a clean sweep of the latter?

"That's Me!"
THE chief of the staff of General Todleben is Prince Imeritinsky.
A slightly egotistical gentleman, we ,should think, if anything still
remains in a name, no matter how meritinskytorious he may
really be.

Official.
IT is extremely probable that the lads in the telegraph offices will
soon be dispensed with. An American has invented an electric
buoy.


___ I LICKING OCEATION.-Cudgelling your brains for a new idea.


JAN. 9, 1878.]





18 FUN. [JAN. 9, 1878.
PROTECTION TO FOREIGNERS; OR, THE HAND OF JUSTICE.









In the happy land of England, a German Workman goes forth to his work, comfortably assured that there at least is safety for the stranger.


Somehow, however, it appears to be otherwise.
/


IIII


And the presumptuous foreigner has to learn that he will not e permitted to draw a eapon-or in fact do anything-in elf-defeace, without
incurring the most terrible penalties i


Amb






F'IUJ .-JANUARY 9, 1878.


/////


"DIPLOMATIC TRAPS."
The Demon of Slaughter declines to disappear at the bidding of Britannia, the Spirit of Peace.


A\








JAN. 9, 1878.] FUN. 21


DOTS BY THE WAY. _

PEACE OR WAR? I


OME, Bruin, Bruin, lay thy
mask aside!
The world has seen thy words
were but a sham;
The wild and savage Bear thou
canst not hide
Behind the coating of the simple
Lamb.
The sword of Justice put it from
thy hand,
It has no place in that which thou
hast done,
And coming time shall stamp thee
with the brand
Of shame that ,thiswild war was
e'er begun.,

No longer wearthe cross upon, thy
breast
With pious look and solemn vow,
and say
You.drew .the sword to succour the
oppressed,-
The." Chritian Brother" under
Turkman's.wayw ;
0 what. has been the, succour thou,
hast given,?-
To clothe the naked?-feed the
K starving poor ?-..
No! thou hast withSfierce war the
nation riv'n.
And turned the fer,lgrplains,~to
barren moor,


IM Q Now Winter, with bleak,
frost and snow,
Brings sorrow worse than sword or cannons' roar,
And famine, with it's withering blight of woe,
Strikes down the helpless there from shore to shore ;
Let this stern monitor, with piercing cry
Arouse thy heart, and thrill its core with shame,
That hapless thousands should be doomed to die
The awful death we shudder e'en to name.
Come, listen now, 0 rugged, ruthless Bear!
And sheath thy sword, for there are nations still
Who have the power and ready heart that dare
To raise a force that shall oppose thy will.
Stand back in time, nor press the murderous hand
Too hard upon the foe you hold so fast,
Lest retribution, with its fiery brand,
Shall hurl thee down, and vanquish thee at last.
If succourr" was the only aim in view,
"To help the sore oppressed from barbarous hand,"
Show now thy words were meant as true,
And let thy armies quit the dead-strewn land.
The future course is resting now with thee !
God grant thy counsel may be good and wise,
And end the strife, whatever the cost may be,
Give heed unto the bitter wailing cries.


bitter


Let Peace once more its holy reign begin,
And fill the flowering valley with its song,
There chase away, with pipe the cannons' din,
That suffering peasant may forget his wrong.
May these joy-bells that now ring in the year
Ring through the world the sweet joy-bells of Peace,
Like pleasant music that the soul shall cheer,
When all this wicked, cruel war shall cease.

Playing Boneypart.
A LOCAL paper states that a dealer in old bones in Paisley played a
smart trick on the proprietors of a chemical manufactory by having
weighed as part of his merchandise a bag containing a young lad,
who, when the coast was clear, released himself and made off." The
fraud was even, more complete than was believed at the time, as by
means of special and private information we have discovered that the
boy was one of those who are generally described as never likely to
make old bones."


"THE SITUATION."
THERE may be Wars without," said Mr. Fun, "but I'll take care
there shall be Peace and Plenty within." And this is how he com-
menced his New Year; and he trusts his readers were no worse off,

CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
F IST RAILWAY POLITICIAN. I suppose we shall occupy Constanti-
nople.F
S&coND DITTrro. Oh, yes. I believe we are to buy Egypt and to
send the Egyptians all over to Turkey.
FIRST DITTO. Oh, I see. Then the Suez Canal ?
SECOND DITTO. We shall send half the fleet there to close it.,
FIRST DITTO. Ah, and India of course will- .
SEcoND DITTO. Well, I believe that will protect itself,
SPrasr Dii f .. Ah! I suppose it's all out,and.dried F?
SSECOND .DITTO., Ohl t; simplest thing in the world. I can't
make out what there .is-to make '. fussa about. Look how we. con-
quered the Abyssinians.
FIRST DITTO. Exactly. Single-handed-without allies. Besides,
every Englishman ought to be prepared to fight for British interests.
SECOND DITTO. So I say. The man who would not sacrifice him-
self is a dastard unworthy the name of Briton. Hullo Seen this
paragraph in the newspaper ? We understand that in the event of
war there would be a general conscription throughout Great Britain."
What an infamous thing !
FIRST DITTO. Abominable! Such an attempt would never be
tolerated. I say. (nervously), do you really think we should have to
fight if war broke out ?
SECOND DITTO. I'm afraid we should, if this is true. Oh, lor' Oh,
lor' !
FIRST DITTO. I say, there's a peace at any price petition at the
next station ; let's get out and sign it.
SECOND DITTO. Yes, come on. Oh, I hope we shan't go to war.
It would be most criminal. Where's Gladstone ? Why don't he stop
it ? I must have a drop of brandy when we get out. I declare it s
quite upset me.

Irony.
AN American vice-consul general at Shanghai has been convicted
of opening other people's letters, and sentenced to twenty days' imra
prisonment with a fine in addition of 250 dollars. Is it strange that
a vice-consul general should be generally vicious ? Vice and crime
invariably go together, and their victims are naturally dollarous.
Besides, the proverb tells us that Justice, though she has feet of lead,
has hands like a vice, and so when she laid hold of this vice-consul
general he doubtless wished the situation was vice versa.

Racy !
AN unturf-loving contemporary says: The fiat has gone forth,
and Kingsbury races, now being held, will after this meeting, be
numbered with the things of the past." Of course, it would be vpry
singular if a meeting wasn't of the past after it was done with, and
over. We gladly make our contemporary a "present of the notion.

A Moot Point.
AT Barnsley, a fishmonger has been fined 3 19s., including costs,
"for selling at nine for threepence, a quantity of herrings unfit for
human food." Some people may be inclined to wonder which was the
offence: selling them at all, or selling them at nine for threepence.







FUN.


:1 ~ ~ I ~ ['hi i~ \ ________________
________K ____


FULL VALUE REQUIRED.
Father:-"WHY DON'T YER SAY YER GRACE, CHARLEY?" Charley :-" WHY, 'COS I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK 0' THEM THERE TATERS."


GRUMBLES!
(IN MONTHLY PARTS.)
.Janary. -Ugh! Colds, coughs, and calendars! Slides and
shivers! Bumps and bruises! I Good resolutions commence about the
1st of this month, and end about the 2nd. Bah, January's a "frost."
February.-Frosty and frivolous! Fancy the fourteenth! Romance
and rubbish Cupids and stupid! Valentines and victims! Look
here, I've a proposition to make. Instead of fond, and consequently
foolish lovers, wasting their wages on lace-paper luxuries, let them
send it all to me. It will do me good. This is a sensible suggestion,
so of course it will be disregarded.
March.- Miserable month, March! Blusters from the brute
Boreas! Spring comes this month, and brings-Quarter-day I Con-
sequent mournfulness and moonshooting.
April.-Aqueous. Soakers" on the least provocation (or without
it). Resemble a maiden's tears, do they ? Well, my opinion is, when
girls cry they ought to have a good "hiding." That's what Ithink
about it.
May.-Merry month, is it ? Oh yes, that's all very well for poets.
She's the poets' pet. They're all in love with, her. I don't think a
girl ought to have so many lovers. It makes her vain. Beautiful ?
she may be so, and then again she mayn't !
.Tune.-Roses and rambles. Lovers and lunatics Midsummer, and
moonshooting (again!)
July.-Worse than June, though older, really Junier. Hotter,
confoundedly hotter. If you wish to fully appreciate this month, ride
outside an omnibus.
Augmt.-I'm glad you consider it nice. Please to remember the
grotto." I should think so, biggest nuisance I ever knew. Oysters
come in, and go up, besides going down. August's awful!
September-Hambag. Semi-summer, trees and things in the sere
and yellow leaf" (Shakespeare, or some other idiot). Wonder if
that was said sere-iously P What about Michaelmas and more moon-
shooting ? Geese come in, and are bought by other geese!
October.-Outrageous. Overcoat season commences for those who
can afford it. It is, sur, tout expensive for me.


November.-Nasty. Frightfully foggy! Guys and grumbles !
Gruel and grunts I Fireworks and frights!
December.-Oh yes, I dare say! Proper, isn't it ? Christmas and
all that sort of thing! Puddings and pills. Ills and bills. Panto-
mimes and parties! Children and chills! Another quarter-day! Misery
and moonshooting (once more!) End of year, and twelvemonth's
trouble. Such are my sentiments-there !

A NEW YEAR'S WISH.
I BEG to state
A better fate,
I hope, doth wait
This bard irate,
Whose aching pate
Has throbbed of late
At fearful rate,
For fortune's gait
Has not been straight
With me, my mate,
Nor has her freight
Of joys been great.
To growl and prate
Of woes I hate,
So clean the slate!
My lot to leaven,
Let's change the date
From Seventy-seven
To Seventy-eight.

"Dispatch, Dispatch, I say!"
IT is announced that, by the Archbishop's desire, Convocation will
not meet for the dispatch of business until Tuesday, February 12th.
If words mean anything, and precedent is to be considered in any way
guiding, Convocation will not meet for the dispatch of business even
then, let the Archbishop desire it as much as he may.


[JAN. 9, 1878.









JAN. 9, 1878.] FUN. 23


POEMS ON PRO'S.

THE "WALKING GENT."
AH! rm an actor, note
me well;
You'll see I'm not a
Heavy swell,
-7' And if you'll listen,
friends, I'll tell
||. iThe reason why I went
To strut and fret upon
rips! the stage:
__ I Methought I'd paint
M Othello's rage;-
I But now, for quite a
paltry wage,
I act as "Walking
4. Gent."

When first I trod the
S.mimic scene,
iil Methought that I should
'I 'rival Keen;
1 1911 My notions then were
--< somewhat "green,"
To tragedy I leant.
As Brutus I'd a wish to

And fancied Fame's
rewards were mine;
But now the lean and
hungry line
-__ Best suits the "Walk-
ing Gent."
'Tis at the East-end I perform,
The audiences there are warm.
I sometimes take the place by storm,
Whene'er I represent
The valiant captain in Bob Roy.
My figliht with Dougal" they enjoy.
Still dn occasions they annoy
The humble Walking Gent."
For instance, now, on certain nights,
They grin when I appear in tights."
In chaffing" me each god" delights,
Which gladly I'd resent.
At times they mock my bits of fat,"
And make remarks about my hat,
Or ask me if my wig's a mat ?"
Which frets the Walking Gent."
An actor's mind it's apt to gall,
Attending ev'ry day a call,"
When eighteen bob a week's his all
To find him food and rent.
Bah Fortune's heart's as hard as stone,
She heedeth not the player's moan;
But when the workhouse claims its own,
Then exit Walking Gent."

A Good Substitute.
THE Governor of Canton "has warned the people against the per-
nicious effects of opium smoking." Considering that they must have
already known as much as he could tell them, he must be a Governor
of Cant as well as of Canton. Let us hope he will not continue to
Canton this topic, but will set the first good practical example: let
him put this in his pipe and smoke it.

The Forty.
AT the marriage of the Princess Charlotte of Prussia there are to be
forty bridesmaids, and each one will receive a brooch in commemora-
tion of the event. The Hereditary Duke of Saxe Meiningen will
require a well fortified purse for a German Duke to brooch those
forty fair subjects at once. Probably he will wince when the subject
is broached hereafter.
Trade Terms.
A CONTEMPORARY says that the Beaconsfield policy has been a work
of time. Certainly. No one would pretend that those who have
fostered it have been engaged on Peace work.


BAR SELLS.
THE mantle of night, cut in the most fashionable style, a= in
splendid condition, considering everything, had descended upon all the
sinews and arteries of the great Metropolis. The omnibustle of the
busy day was done, and the stars looking down in silent contempla-
tion wouldn't have had much to talk about had they been able. As
the hour struck midnight on the Temple (a dangerous place) c4ock,
the clouds divided (they hadn't much to divide), and the moon cast
quite a new light on affairs. At the same moment two travellers
landed in a Chinese junk off the Temple stairs and strode hurriedly m
the direction of Fleet-street. Say you bet," murmured the younger,
picking his teeth with the sharp end of a pocket telephone. It s
after twelve; I've studied the laws of this village some, and there
won't be any bars open, I guess." Marry, but there will," returned
his companion, who, by his accent, was evidently a man of varied
information. "I'll lay you a tenner on that." Look here," was
his companion's answer, "I ain't bin in England since I was one and
three-sixeenths, but as it's Saturday night p4 past twelve, I'11 take
your bet. Now show me the bar?" The stars twinkled, the elder
stranger's eye twinkled, and he laid out his tenner there and then- in
imagination. The only other place he could' have laid it out .in was a
fried fish shop, and heididn't feel equal to that. "Come on, guvner,
he said, and lose your tenner. There's a bar open just up, here.
Hulloh! ,we must have come wrong. Whichds the way to Temple

Bar,. policeman?" Temple Bar!" said the military ci ilvan
addreaed, that was pulled down yesterday, sir."
With a wild yell of unprintable anguish, the .Corporation's victim
gnashed his eyebrows, and, parting with his tenner, departed the same
evening for the summit of the Himalayas.
*
Two years .had elapsed since our last, and one Saturday evening a
stranger, >whose whole aspect bespoke theV'Himalayan settler, was
suckiug inhe knob of his umbrella at the corner of the Victoria Em-
bankment, when suddenly he .encountered the gaze of a yokel evi-
dently stamngerer to the great City than himself. He eyed him for a
minute, and then he remembered a lost tenner. There ain't no bars
open about here, I suppose, sir?" suddenly said the yokel; "I ain't been
in London these. many years." "Bars open about here?" answered
the Himalayan; "no."--"You wouldn't bet a tenner on that," said the
yokel. Strange," thought the Himalayan; then he exclaimed in a
musical voice, "Well, as it's after midnight, I don't mind betting you
there ain't." "Then you've lost," smiled the yokel; I didn't think
I'd catch a flat. as wasn't.up to that game.. There's Temple Bar! "
Ha, ha' roared the Himalayan, you've done yourself; Temple
Bar's been pulled down since you came to town. Why don't you
read the. newspapers ? So I do," howled the yokel with delight;
look up to the end of the Embankment, the Corporation stuck it up
there yesterday, and it's open now. Hooray, hand us your tenner."
The Himalayan settler returned once more to the Himalayas. He
ultimately died there at peace with all the world, except the Corpora-
tion of the City of London.

BUT AND BEN.
THAT Todleben meant toddle in,
At Plevna proved no doubt,
As he to enter did begin
As Osman toddled out.

IN THE STREET.
LORD DE VnER. What d'ye make these cigarettes with, Bruno,
they're awfully good ?
Hox. BRUxo GowER. I make 'em with Beaconsfield.
LORD DE VERE. What the doose is that ?
HoN. Bauxo GOWER. Why, the best Turkish backer, of course.

Hop Scotch Ale.
A CONTEMPORARY states that between them two important brewers
propose to use 80,000 quarters of malt less next year than this, and
argues how bad trade must be in England when all this less beer will be
drunk. Nonsense ; how bad the beer will be when all this less malt
will be used It is singular, too, that while discovering this mare's
nest about malt, a usually well-informed paper should have omitted
to state that, owing to the great depression in commercial circles, there
will be less than half the usual quantity of "hops" this coming
season.
Animal Food.
IT is said that "at the Monastery of Jongerloo, in Belgium, the
butter is made by dogs." From the absence of milk in our last quarter
of a pound we should think ours was made by lap dogs. We trust
the cow will still be employed in the process, for, as the copy-book
says, One good churn deserves another.








24


FUN.


THE LATEST INNOVATION.
Mr. Yun having suddenly hit on a most valuable suggestion for those young
ladies desirous of "marrying into the Church," presents it to them with his
kindest regards and best compliments.


THE SCHOOLMASTER "ABROAD."
COME hither, lad, you seem to smile
As if the cleverest in the school.
What do you mean by Turcophile ?"
"It means, they say, sir, Turcofool."

Stop!
AccoRINGn to the Leigh Journal, "The Tyldesley Congregational
Church was reopened on Sunday after having been closed for beautify-
ing with sermons by the Rev. Owen Davis." We fail to see how a
building can be beautified by sermons, though we have frequently
known one to have been much disfigured by indifferent preaching.
Had the account quoted contained a comma, it would have been much
more comm(a) ilfaut.

A Wet Time.
A cREW of students from Columbia University, New York, proposes
to enter for all available races at next Henley regatta. Henley has
long been noted for its British beer, and for the quantity of it drunk by
Cockney visitors during the two great summer days; but 1878 is
likely to see quite another beverage in fashion, and that is the 'ale
Columbia!


[JAN. 9, 1878.


A WORD OF ADVICE.
Some philanthropic persons have started an Association for
supplying poor children with toys."-Daily Press.
I HAVE a notion I must dream!
Will someone please to make a noise ?
No. I'm awake. There is a scheme
To give our pauper children toys.
Look up, small outcast, through the hair
That matted hangs about your brow,
Good Christians with the cash to spare
Are going to give you playthings now.
In squalid garrets, baby girls
Will have a dolly all their own,
With rosy cheeks and teeth like pearls,
Where pearls and roses are unknown.
But let it not be plump and fat,
Or gaily clad, lest little Poll
Should think it nice to be like that,
And wish that she'd been born a doll.
Let Billy's horse and cart be strong,
Yet all the woodwork smooth and round.
By Billy's Pa when things go wrong
'Twill be a handy missile found.
A kitten hurled with vicious force
Now doubles Billy up, 'tis said ;
So lightly make your cart and horse
In mercy to its owner's head.
A nobler mission, who would ask,
Than giving children childish joys,
Among our wastrels ply your task
And sanctify their dens with toys.
Let all your gifts be wisely planned
To please the many, not the few,
And while you fill the empty hand
Remember empty stomachs, too.

Under Our Noses.
THE Indian Famine Fund has reached 500,000, and
at Merthyr the little children and the women are dying
of cold and starvation. "Merthyr most foul" is the
best way to describe the conduct of Englishmen in this
utterly neglected, because too near home, case of
famine.


Sewing Him Up!
A GENTLEMAN was charged the other day before the Salford stipen-
diary with using the words Whoa, Emma !" The intelligent
policeman who applied for and obtained the summons, looked extremely
Whoaful when the Emmanent magistrate expressed a few opinions as
to his excessive zeal. It's a good job Sir John Mantel did nip this
officious intervention in the bud, or now that each constable is to be
supplied with a patent pocket telephone attached by sympathetic
electricity to every area on his beat, we should never rest safe in our
beds. Especially would it be hard on the employs of Messrs. Thomas
and Co., not to mention Wheeler Wilson, and the Singer staff, who
are obliged in the course of their business to be constantly exclaiming
"Whoa, hemmer!"

GOOD MOTTO FOR AN ORGANIST.-Supported by voluntary con-
tributions.


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-1








JAN. 16, 1878.] F U N '. 25





































A POSER.
WHERE'S YER SPOON, MOTHER?" "GOT NO SPOON." "HOW CAN YOU DIGEST YER SOUP WITHOUTT A SPOON

THE DEMON KITTENS. A Jaw Breaker.
I'VE two pretty little kittens, one is brown and one is grey. THE Cambrian News says that at the Merionethshire Quarter Sessions
You should see the comic antics that the little demons play ; the rector of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogertysiliogogogoch was charged
You would roll about with laughter, and I fancy shed a tear, by the Dolgelley Local Board with obstructing the highway near that
If you watched them play at leapfrog on my crowded cheffonier. town. The rector of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogertysiliogogogoch owns
All the china does a tremble-it anticipates its doom property in the neighbourhood of Dolgelley. It may interest our
When those kittens do a scamper round and round my dining-room. readers to know, on the authority of the Cambrian News, that Llan-
You can almost hear the sideboard give a moan and cry Alas ",, fairpwllgwyngyllgogertysiliogogogoch "is an abbreviation of the full
When the leader goes a cropper and brings down a row of glass. title of the village." The obstruction, of course, consisted in an
When the leader goes a cropper and brings down a row of glass obstinate endeavour on the part of the rev. gentleman to have himself
Then to see them climb the curtains is enough to kill a saint, called by his full and exact title. Of course, on a Welsh road there
Little rips they are for certain,-those they manufacture ain't; wouldn't be room for more than half of it at a time !
For the lace is all in tatters, and they poke their little heads
Through the hangings at the window, which their claws reduce to Notes and Queries.
shreds. Notes and Queries.
When the poet's pains are on me, and my brain is on the rack, of erson is a scantimentall nsanch e.ists only the imagation
They've a habit of alighting with a jump upon my back. a peron is a pedigen goatnisance.
a r h pa r phi ntmyhiUwink, Got bTD usA pedigree goat is good bred and butter too.
Playing tricks with pen and paper is a thing at which I winkD Goatee and butt us no buts.
But they might abstain from fishing with their fore-paws in the ink. PERFECtLY so.-There are cases on record of children who have eaten
They have pulled out all the stuffing from my best morocco suite, their parents literally out of house and home. There is one within
All my carpets have been rined by their scratching little feet; our own knowledge of a poor woman who bought a cottage one
But I do not mind the damage, though it grieves my better half, morning, and her children devoured it at breakfast.
For the world has made me wretched and my kittens make me
laugh. Queer Figures.
A SHEFFIELD paper, in an'interesting article on A Midland City,"
A Next Move. remarks that it would take the whole of the National Debt to give the
THE French Government is anxious about the intentions of Eng- unmarried girls in Nottingham a dowry of 5 each. In other words,
land with regard to Egypt. Our Foreign Secretary effects to treat there are two hundred million unmarried women in the Trentside
the question lightly, which is precisely what the French Ministry town. No wonder the men who hail from there are known as Notting-
want. They object to be left in Egyptian darkness on the subject. ham "lambs But what have our census-mongers and statisticians
been about not to have known this before P
A Contrite Rebel.
MR. ALDERMAN COTTON, M.P., has explained to the Conservative Patrie.
Association what he meant by his recent anti-war speech. There is THE release of the Fenian prisoners has been followed by riots in
plenty of Cotton about the communication, but the thread is hard to Ireland. The English Government could hardly have expected that
find. such proceedings on their part would not be greeted by Pat-riots.

VOL. XXVII.









j FU o [JAN. 16, 1878.


THE DEEP SHOP-KEEPER.
A TALE OF THE PREVENTIVE EFFICACY OF OUR PRISON SYSTEM.


THE party the Poet -now gracefully sings
Was a dealer engaged upon dealing in things,
And his windows were just of that wonderful size
That you'd view with commingled delight and surprise.
He may have been such as you'd grieve to asperse;
He may have been contrary; quite the reverse,
But I'm bent upon letting his qualities pass
And confining myself to his windows of glass.
For the windows of glass that he had to his shop
Were as high as you like from the base to the top ;
And in uttermost width, from the side to the side,
They were nearly as possible double as wide!
Whatever his traits-as I stated at first-
Of the purest and best, or the blackest and worst,
I will mention (not having a wish to deceive)
That the man was as knowing you wouldn't believe !
And his windows of glass, which had lately been done,
Were a-shimmering, haughty, and proud in the sun;
When a little old woman quite suddenly came-
But I'll tell you some fun of that little old dame:-
This little old woman a-wandering by,
She wasn't an atom of knowing and sly;
Of natural cunning she hadn't a spark,
But she fancied she'd lots of it-that was the lark !
She felt so inflated with cunning within
That she fancied it oozed through her teeth and her skin,
And she mused on the depth of her wiles with a smile,
And she was such an innocent dame all the while.
And she said to herself, I've a plan which is deep;
It's an easy arrangement for earning my keep,"
And selecting a pebble, she caused it to pass,
By a spirited jerk, through the windows of glass.
She thought, He'll come out to me angry and pale,
And invite a policeman to place me in jail;
And for several months, while they gaily expire,
He will pay for my keep-which is what I require !"


Then procuring a chair, she contentedly sate
(A poetical word) by the window to wait;
Though the traits of the dealer I needn't disclose,
Yet he wasn't so silly as one would suppose.
As he sat in the shop, a delightfully sly
And wonderful twinkle was seen in his eye ;
And he looked at the beautiful hole in the pane,
And he up and contentedly chuckled again.
The lady she waited for many a day;
While her hair with the worry got sprinkled with gray :
And the air was as fresh and the sun .was about,
Yet the dealer he-wouldn't-he wouldn't come out!
He wouldn't come out in a passion and pray
The active policeman to take her away;
It didn't appear that his end and his aim
Were to pay for the keep of that innocent dame.
Whenever he came to thq window, his eye
Was gazing unconsciously up at the sky;
It drove the old lady completely irisane
To watch him ignoring the hole in the pane.
But once he came out when the weather was dark,
And thought to evade her, escaping remark;
But the lady in waiting was at him again,
And she caught him and showed him the hole in the pane.
He struggled and fought, and averted his sight
To the ground, and the sky, and the left and the right,
While his air it was gay and his smile it was bland
As one who is happy, but don't understand.
But the incident caused and collected a crowd,
And they showed him the hole, and they called him.aloud :
And he saw that a something would have to be done-
,Yet he didn't get puzzled-he wasn't the one.
Concealing his hand from the worrying throng,
He Wrote out a document, legal and long,
Transferring his shop to the innocent dame,
Engrossing it duly, and signing his name.
It took but an instant-then, turning again,
He gave himself up for destroying that pane;
And the lady who fancied her plan was so deep
Had to send him to prison and pay for his keep


A Remonstrance.
A CORRESrPONDENT of the leading journal says that a great many
people are ignorant of what a billion means. This is not surprising,
considering that no billion has ever been discovered yet capable of
explaining its own meaning. A billion may have the very best of
intentions, but if it doesn't communicate them, it's certainly not our
fault, nor the fault of anyone else who unfortunately remains ignorant.

A Slight Mistake.
SIR CHARLES PREED, speaking at Liverpool, said that in London we
have no organised attempt to lay hold of the poor." Indeed! What
about the police and Charity Organisation,? The latter not only tries
" to lay hold of the poor," but to show them it is their duty to remain
in that position in which it has pleased Providence to place them !









JAN. 16, 1878.]


FUiUN.


A TEMPERANCE TALE.
[A hundred pounds having been offered for the best tale advocating
total abstinence for the young, the following is submitted as a speci-
men to the Committee of Selection. If payment is made by cheque,
please cross & Co." and make payable to order.]
LITTLE Tommy Turnover was five years old on his birthday, and
was allowed to have dinner with his papa and mamma. It were better
that a cannon ball had been hung about his neck and he had been
flung into the New River. When the pudding was taken away,
oranges were put on the table, and some sweets that papa had brought
from the City. Tommy was very fond of sweets, and the one he took
was very nice, being made of sugar, and red, and it was filled with
rum. Oh, parents who read this story, beware-! The Demon of
Drink stalks abroad in subtle disguises seeking whom he may devour.
He assaulted the soul of Tommy Turnover in pretty little bulls'-eyes
retailed everywhere at two ounces for three half-pence. The rum in
the sweet mounted to the brain of the child, and from that moment he
was lost. His eyes became bloodshot, his face looked haggard, and
life seemed hardly worth living. He rushed from the room stamping
his foot because he was not allowed to have a cigar with his father.
He went up into the nursery and flung himself down on the bed, but
he could not rest. He was lost, reader, utterly lost. The vampire
Alcohol had stuck his fangs into his vitals and was sucking his life
blood away.
After a fevered sleep of about twenty minutes he. rose and looked at
himself in the glass. Reason had evidently deserted her throne, and
the face that he saw was the face of a maniac of five. Delirium tremens,
the sure successor of indulgence in intoxicating beverages, had seized
this fair young lad in its filthy grip and whispered wild deeds in his
ear.
He no longer was master of his actions, he knew not what he did.
His little sister lay sleeping the sleep of innocence in her crib, and the
nurse was downstairs having her tea. He loved his little sister when
he was sober; but now he was intoxicated by the sweet with the rum
in it, his feelings were violently changed. He lifted the little cherub
from her crib, stifled her cries by ramming an orange into her mouth,
and then snipped her into little pieces with the scissors. Flinging the
fragments out of the window, he rushed downstairs, and seizing his
parents by the hair of their heads despatched them with a carving
knife. He seized another sweet with rum in it that lay on the table,
and yelling and foaming at the mouth rushed madly into the street.
*
Late that night the moon shone upon the grey waters of the Thames,
as they crawled sluggishly beneath Blackfriars Bridge. There was
something in their still, calm look that seemed to whisper to those who
watched them, Come with us, we are going out to the great, great
sea, where nobody can follow you." They said this to Tommy
Turnover. The cool night air had revived him, and driven the mists
of alcohol from his brain, so he just shook his little head and said,
"No, thank you, not to-night," and went off home.
When he got there he found everyone in a great state of alarm at
his absence, and he fell down on his knees and asked his parents to
forgive him for murdering his little sister, and he would never do it
again. "It was all that rum in the sweet that papa gave me," he
whispered. "It must have been very strong rum, my boy," said his
papa, "if it made you mistake the dolly in your sister's crib for your
sister." What! shrieked Tommy, have I only cut up a dolly ? "
"Only a dolly," said his mamma, "but it cost 10s. 6d." Then she
spanked him, although it was his birthday.
And the next morning directly it was daylight Tommy went off to
the office of the Alliance and knocked up the secretary and signed the
pledge, for he felt that it was only by the merest chance that he
wasn't a murderer and a suicide. All through eating a sweet with
rum in it.
And I hope that the Committee of Selection will observe that I have
shown the evil effects on the young of alcoholic stimulant in its very
mildest and most innocent form, and will forward the cheque per
return.

One Way of Looking at it.
DURING the year 1877 nearly eight thousand soldiers deserted from
the British Army. It is only fair, of course, to suppose that these
gentlemen would all come back in the event of a war being declared,
and that they only deserted because they found there was nothing for
them to do, and they could not bring themselves to eat the bread of idle-
ness and false pretence. This must be the true rendering of the matter,
or how are we to reconcile the mighty deeds that are expected of our
soldiers in the event of war with the outward aspect of affairs, unless
the soul of every one of them is the seat of true nobility ?

SWEET GIRLs.-Molasses. Sharp Girls.-Cutlasses. (The editor
trusts these arc not fallassies.)


LAYS FROM LEMPRIERE.

THE LABOURS OF HERCULES.
ON the chief exploits of Hercules I fain would pen a ditty,
A lyric whose veracity is not to be impugned,
And for Hercules's troubles I would here beseech your pity,
So I trust your sympathetic strings are pretty well attuned.
I will show you how he came to be a wonder to his neighbours -
Such a hero, as this hero, you have never seen before.
So earnestly give ear, I beg, to Hercules's Labours:
I will tell you all the classic writers say-and something more !
You must understand that Hercules was strong and full of vigour,
For muscular development he really stood A 1."
He much resembled Mace, with this exception, he was bigger,
And his fighting weight was something over six-and-forty "stun."
Up at Kensington Museum there's a picture (rather clever)
Which contains a striking portrait of this hero of renown,
As he fought with Lerna's Hydra, when he bravely tried to sever
That monster's hundred heads (but this is mentioned lower down).
Now Hercules's Labours were beset with many trials,
And the first to which I'd call attention's quite a wondrous feat,
Which was to cleanse the neighbourhood now known as Seven Dials,
A region where the atmosphere is anything but sweet.
Next he toddled to the Zoo, wherein the Lion is a dweller,
And waiting till the forest-king his slumbers should begin,
He strung his penny catapult, and hit him on the smeller,
Then made himself an Ulster of that dreaded Lion's skin!
Next he sought the great Sea-Serpent, called the Hydra in those ages,
A reptile which, believe me, was too terrible by half.
If you'd like to know his habits, I'd refer you to the pages
Of a certain truthful journal, called the -Daily Chronograph.
Still Hercules was undismayed, and like a Briton faced it
(Although he wasn't British, as you probably have read),
But he took a red hot poker and he make the Hydra taste it,
And soon the monster wriggled, gave a guggle," and was dead !
Then Eurystheus, the King of Argos, called upon our hero,
And said, Old pal, I really dread to venture from my door,
I'm button-holed' by one who brings my spirits down to zero,
By one who jaws incessantly, in fact, a frightful Bore "
Right you are, my lad," said Hercules, "I'll settle him to-morrow,
My price is very moderate-I'll charge you half-a-quid."
"'Tis well," exclaimed Eurystheus, "'Twill rid me of my sorrow."
Leave him to me !" said Hercules, I'll warm him,"-and he
did!
It was suddenly discovered by the local tax collector
That Pluto's tax for Cerberus, his dog, had not been paid;
Said Hercules, I'll fetch it, if you'll stand a pot of nectar,"-
(A sort of classic pongelo ") -" I'm not at all afraid."
So he took a tram to Hades, wherein Pluto then resided,
And said For that three-headed brute at once you'll have to pay!"
But Pluto laughed, so Hercules, on being thus derided,
Landed Pluto on the nose, and quickly brought the dog away !
And many other feats he did, too numerous to mention,
Such as bringing to Eurystheus a golden-antlered deer;
To the Birds of Lake Stymphalus he directed his attention,
And he dotted Mr. Geryon, whom schoolboys used to fear.
Then the apples of Hesperides he afterwards went "sneaking,"
And anon he caught the Cretan Bull, and cut him up for "grub;"
And the girdle of Hyppolyte he gained with little seeking-
And then he joined the Foresters," and rested on his club!
And now for the finale :-Mrs. Omphale beheld him,-
And loved him for his doughty deeds, and for his hand she sought;
So as he was her slave, she soon to marry her compelled him,
Then he wedded her and settled down as even heroes ought.
The last I heard of Hercules,-he'd saved a little money
(For matrimony made the man as quiet as a mouse).
So thinking, after toiling, he deserved to taste life's honey-
He went to live at Clerkenwell, and took a public-house !

Sharp Practice.
THE police of North Cornwall have been provided with cutlasses to
use on all stray dogs of a vicious disposition that may come in their
way. Since they have been thus armed it is strange that the veal and
ham pies of the locality have not only decreased in price, but have
become much larger and more savoury. Which is cause and which
effect, even if the matters have any connection with each other, we
leave our readers to determine. We are satisfied to observe that at
last the police have shown themselves able to appreciate their true
position and to supply a long-felt want.









FUN.


[JAN. 16, 1878.


DOCTOR OR CHEMIST.-THE OTHER SIDE OF THE QUESTION.


And, oh, his mind was overrun
With joy and pride when it was done 1


He manufactured, out of hand,
Enough to meet a large demand,


But lo I when people came to call At length to him a party wen~,
They brought prescriptions, one W nd all; Who'd lest his leg by accident;
Wh le no one entered for the sake The chance had come-it was enough I
Of akming what he ought to ta t "11 That Chemist sold him alt the stuff I


Resolved (when any person came
To.be advised) to sell the same.'





I. II-FULN .-JANUARY 16, 1878.


I 1

4 i~'I~/i,


A QUESTION AT STARTING.
Mrs. Britannia:-" HOW FAR ARE YOU GOING"
Conductor izzy:--" IT'S ALL RIGHT, MARM; DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF. JUMP IN, AND YOU'LL SEE.'









JAN. 16, 1878.] FU N 31


POEMS ON PRO'S.

THE SERIO-COMIC LADY.
I'M a star of undoubted attraction,
I dress in a glorious style,
My'songs always give satisfaction,
And I capture all hearts with my smile.
Whene'er on the stage I come sweeping,
Delight on folks faces is seen;
And gentlemen's hearts all are leaping
For the Serio-Comedy Queen."
Chorus. I'm the Serio-Comedy Queen, dear girls,
My name on large posters is seen;
There's none, I declare, can ever compare
With this Serio-Comedy Queen !
I know 1 can't boast of my singing,
I depend a great deal on my looks;
My voice isn't what you'd call ringing,
And yet I'm in people's good books.
I fascinate folks by my dresses,
Not one can my toilette condemn,
And there isn't a swell but confesses
That of serio-stars I'm the gem."
Chortus.
My songs always treat of a lover
Whom I met with at some fancy ball;
I'm aware you will seldom discover
They possess any merit at all.
But after all what does it matter ?
They warble the chorus with glee;
And the swells always kick up a clatter,-
They're exceedingly partial to me !
Chorus.
And I gain much applause when I carol
Ladies' versions of popular lays,
And when dressed in my Prince's apparel
I meet with the general praise.
They vow my appearance is charming,
And declare that my dancing delights;
And the uproar is something alarming,
If I don't do a turn dressed in "tights."
Chorus.
In the Era I've advertised greatly
As the Queen of the Serio-Throng,"
But my sway's so despotic and stately,
That I'll change it to Empress of Song."
But adieu, my dear friends, I must bid you,-
And I'm certain amused you've all been :
For you never saw such a star-did you ?-
As the Serio-Comedy Queen ?
Chorus.

Too much of a Descent.
CENTENARIANS are becoming so common nowadays that new claims
have to be invented for them, or no notice whatever is taken by a sur-
feited public, and this neglect, of course, prevents the centenarians
from "dying happy." Here is an instance in point. Mrs. Mary
G. B. Tanner, a direct descendant of King Henry VIII., died at
Pierrepoint, New York, a few days ago, at the age of 101 years 11
months." Henry VIII. was a proper sort of a king to claim direct
descent from ; but we should like to have it explained how long it took
before a Sovereign was converted into a Tanner This is a backward
sort of a transmutation hardly in consonance with the tastes of our
American cousins; and so the gentleman who does these things for
the centenarian departed had better be a little more likely next time.
Verb. sat.

Easy Tickling.
STHuE IVorcestershire Chronicle says: "The following conundrum is
causing considerable amusement in London at present: I should be
my first if I had my second to throw at my whole.' We should
like to know which is the more delightfully vague, our country con-
temporary's notion of what constitutes a conundrum," or its idea of
"considerable amusement." The conundrum consists, we suppose, in
the query that grows out of the statement: Where does the laugh
come in ? Possibly in the answer, Gladstone."

A Riverain Riddle.
P WHAT ought to follow "a little dinner at Richmond" ?-A strict
Kew tea, to be sure.


CUB-HEARD LOVE!

CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.
AVERAGE ENGLISHMAN. What a shocking old noodle that Major
O'Gorman is; he ought certainly to be looked after Did you see what
he said in his speech the other day-that the English were the most
brutalised people on the face of the earth ?
ORDINARY DITTO. Yes, what a fool! Why, I suppose a more
enlightened, humane race does not exist.
Av. DITTO. Certainly not. I say, see that string of assaults on
women in to-day's paper ? It's enough to make your blood run cold,-
the details are positively revolting.
ORD. DITTO. Terrible But if you want to read a starter, you
should read that case where a woman bit a man's nose off and tore his
ear out.
Av. DITTO. I can't read the papers now, they are so full of horrors.
Did you see that the other day about a baronet smashing his wife in a
first-class railway carriage ?
ORB. DITTO. Law, no. But I saw that about a landlady of a
public-house and a lot of men in a bar watched a man drink fourteen
goes of gin for a wager and drop down dead before he'd quite finished.
Av. DITTO. Ugh, don't talk about these things, they make me
shiver. Been to the music-hall lately ?
ORn. DITTO. Yes, it's rather "warm," the singing now, isn't it?
I go for the gymnastic performance, though.
Av. DITTO. So do I. Have you seen that troupe at the Star-four
little children and the father ? The father flings them, one after the
other, head over heels, and sometimes two are up in the air together.
I expect to see their skulls meet and smash every time I go.
ORn. DITTO. Law, I must go and see that.
Av. DITTO. Come with me one night. By-the-bye, do you see
that there's another big burial club case likely to come on? Down in
one country town the police believe some fifty children were got rid of
by their mothers last year for the insurance money.
ORn. DiTTo. Fearful! But that's no worse, I consider, than this
case in the Times, where five children were locked in a room for four
days without fire or food, while the parents were out drinking.
Av. DITTo. Shocking I say, don't you think O'Gorman's a little
bit touched ?
ORD. DITTO. Well, he must be, to call the English people the
most brutalised on the face of the earth. No man in his senses could
say that. He ought to be criminally prosecuted for a libel on the
nation.

Tyrannous.
AT Middlesex Cheney, John Gunn, a labourer, has been sent to
gaol for six weeks for refusing to vaccinate two children." We should
think it would have been worse if John Gunn the labourer had not
refused. And this is the result of a man "knowing his place," and
declining to take upon himself the duties of a regular medical practi-
tioner. How was it that those who asked him to do it weren't
charged ? They were, to say the least, worse than anti-vaccinators
themselves.

Work and Play.
BusINEss is bad everywhere. Everyone is anxious to see orders
come in. The theatre trade is an exception. They don't want to see
orders come in. Just at present they are in a position to refuse them.









FUN.


[JAN. 16, 1878.


"STYLE IS ESSENTIAL."
Lady (looking at "framework" horse) :-" YOUR HORSE GOES VERY BADLY, COACHMA "
Glasgow Cabby:-" BADLY! NA, NA, I DINNA THINK HE GANGS VERY BADLY, MY LEDDY."
Lady :-" BUT SURELY THE HORSE IS LAME?"
G. C. :-" HOOTS NA, IT'S JIST A QUEER KIN' 0' WAY HE HAS 0' REINNIN."


AN IMPENDING CHANGE.
MONEY for the purchase of the Suzerainty of Egypt, so as to effectu-
ally protect British interests," is said to be the first thing that will
be asked for at the meeting of Parliament. Turkey is, of course,
willing to sell, and the Viceroy considers it would be very selfish of
him to refuse, as it is seldom an opportunity for such select sellebra-
tion occurs. It is more than probable that the carrying out of this
is the last measure with which the honoured name of Beaconsfield will
be associated. Seated in state by the side of the Canal he loves so
well, he will, as Emperor of Egypt and Grand Duke of Jerusalem,
end his days peacefully in an atmosphere of congeniality and with his
highest ambition completely fulfilled. And when his memory flows
gently down the stream of time, even Radicals will blush to think they
should e'er have spoken unkindly of one whose purity of policy and
love of country shone through every action, and at last left not only
his friends but his enemies confounded when he decided on the course
of completion we have already remarked on. (NOTE. -The foregoing
two sentences are not ours at all, but have been extracted surreptitiously
and while the writer was not looking from a volume now in the press,
and shortly to be published, which will thoroughly explain every
action not as yet understood in the life of the present Premier. It
will not be issued, however, till the transfer of Egypt is complete and
the King of Mystery is there enthroned; and so we congratulate our
readers on the little advance in knowledge we have thus been able-no
matter how-to obtain for them.)

Boh!
A CocKNEY friend thinks it would be more consistent with the
" fitness of things if Bow-road were nearer to Harrow-road. He
says he shouldn't have so far to go to indulge in a little Marble
Arch-ery.
MAXIM for a person about to undergone an operation : "How happy
could I be with ether."


THE PREMIER SHIP.
THERE'S ne'er a doubt
A bad look-out
Is ours on board to-day,
As Britain's ship,
With roll and dip,
Drives forward through the spray.
For shoals ahead
We cast the lead,
And every soul's on deck ;
Our breath we bate-
For rarer freight
Ne'er ran the chance of wreck.
The waves run high,
Black looks the sky,
The breakers are at hand !
'Twixt me and you,
One half the crew
Would rather be on land.
The other half
Drink, shout, and laugh,
And cry, with clinking can,
No wreck fear we,
For Captain B.
Is quite a reckless man."

Their Mession.
LARGE orders have been given out in Birmingham by the War
Department for "mess tins." And "as many as 30,000 have been
ordered from a single house." The War Department seems to bo
preparing for the very considerable "mess" that is as sure to come of
the war as the war itself.


32








JAN. 16, 1878.] F U N 33


THE HISTORY OF THE YEAR.
ImE year 1878, which
has now drawn to a
S close, has been princi-
a opally remarkable for the
dispute with Russia, and
we, therefore, give that
the first consideration. At
the close of 1877 we were
on the eve of hostilities,
and the despatch of our
volunteers to Constanti-
nople, with orders to tele-
graph for assistance if
they wanted it, was one
of the first features of the
present year. The first
hostile encounter occurred
in February, and the
splendid victory of 'the
19th Surrey Rifles over
at othe 600,000 trained men
T v-t under the Grand Duke
Ii' b-" Nicholas was hailed with
joy by the nation. In
this battle the Russians
lost 596,000 men killed,
-u oand about twice the -ain-
beae h ber wounded, while the
19th Surrey Rifles only
had one man in the band wounded in the drum. In the
following week the members of the Kilburn Amateur Fire Brigade
surprised the Czar asleep in his tent on the field of battle,
and made him prisoner with all his staff. Brought over here
and exhibited at the Aquarium, he at once professed himself willing
to make peace. But this was unnecessary, as the Premier had annexed
Russia to the English crown, and made his friend Mr. Maltman
Barry the first Viceroy. Poland was restored to the natives, in con-
sideration of their paying the whole of the revenue over to the
Westminster Conservative Association. Having now concluded an
honourable peace abroad, and established the Sultan firmly on the
throne, and made his empire an English borough, with the power of
returning ten Conservative members to the English Parliament, the
attention of capitalists was naturally turned to home affairs.
To revive the paralysed industries was but the affair of a few days,
but unfortunately, with the revival of trade, the workmen again
became unmanageable, and strikes were the order of the day. To
guard against foreign intervention, the trades unions purchased a
fleet and an army with the funds at their disposal, and the Italians
and Germans invited over by the masters failed to effect a landing,
though many bloody engagements took place at sea. The masters,
finding themselves too weak to resist, yielded, after a struggle of three
short weeks, and the price of labour was fixed, by mutual agreement,
at five shillings an hour. It is much to be regretted that, after
matters had been so satisfactorily arranged, the bulk of the masters
should have become ban upt, and thus thrown so many thousands of
men out of employment who were quite willing to work.
In the world of art the-principal item has been the splendid picture
by Miss Elizabeth Thompson, of the "Great Fight at Farnborough."
The Duke of Cambridge and the Prince of Wales described it, at the
Royal Academy dinner, as most lifelike. Th ie picture has been pur-
chased for a large sum by the proprietor of the East-end Gymnasium.
Literature has to lament some of her best-known sons. The authors
of the "Bad Boys of London" and "Flash Joe" have been gathered
to their fathers all too soon. In the dramatic world there is no
novelty to chronicle, the whole of the houses retaining the programme
of Jan 1st, 1877, unchanged up to the present time. It is rumoured
that there is some chance of a dramatic novelty in the spring of 1880.
It would ill befit us as faithful chroniclers of the year if we omitted
to mention that Professor Tyndall had discovered a method of com-
municating by means of electric shocks with the inhabitants of the
moon, and that the message received from that planet in reply was,
though slightly evasive, most satisfactory on the whole.
The manslaughter of the Irish Obstructives by the speaker Of the
House of Commons, and the verdict of justifiable homicide, after a
trial lasting only five minutes, was a feature of the autumn; and the
discovery. that the Tichborne claimant was the lineal descendant of
one of the princes smothered in the tower, and therefore heir-at-law
to the English throne, was a feature of the winter. It was much
regretted by the Claimant's friends that the discovery was not made
before Dr. Kenealy accepted office as Lord Chief Justice of the South
Sea Islands.
Among all classes there is but one feeling with regard to the year,


whose close we now celebrate, that it will be for ever famous in the
annals of time as the year in which a few hardy British volunteers
conquered the great empire of the North, bent the proud spirit of the
haughty Bismarck, and proved that it was quite as easy for England
single-handed to keep the world in check as it is for her to keep it in
cheques. FINIs.
P.S.- Oh, by the way, we have quite forgotten to mention that
Captain Burnaby's new book, Cockles in Many Climates," has run
through fifteen editions.

LO V E.
LooKs that love not are silver-cold-
Gold the glory of love-sweet eyes !
Hearts are wide as the boundless skies-
Full of loves-like the stars-untold !
Love by love should be bought and sold,
Other payments are shams and lies !
Looks that love not are silver-cold-
Gold the glory of love-sweet eyes !
Many loves will a great heart hold-
Foolish often, but often wise!
Some of silver, but one of gold,-
Life's great treasure, and crowning prize !
Looks that love not are silver-cold-
Gold the glory of love-sweet eyes !

Strangely Safe.
THE Dublin Courts sat yesterday'for the .firtitime undethe Irish
Judicature Act." Hitherto they have been in the habit of sitting on
it and of most other of the tyrannous Acts .and actions of which
Major O'Gorman chooses to call this "infernal country." There is
one thing: while it is being used as a canopy, the traditional coach
and four cannot well be driven through this particular Act of Parlia-
ment.

Profession and Practice.
"PROFESSOR AGASSIz has recently estimated that a man's finger-
nails will grow to be 3,000 feet long if he leaves them uncut for 1,000
years." The next to discover is, how long a -man's nose will become
in half the time if he keeps poking it into business that doesn't con-
cern him and cannot be of the least use to the world in general. Will
Professor Agassiz kindly say ?

New Plays-On Words.
THE proper place from which to witness Fatherland is, of course,
the par terre. This is not a quotation from Pitt.
Those who dip low may see in the depths of their understanding that
the Prince of Wales's is the House where every young woman should
take her A Dora.
I-ronical.
IT is said "that glass eyes for horses are now so beautifully made
that they completely defy detection." The imitation must'be wonder-
ful indeed, for we understand the horses themselves cannot gee
through the deception.
Warm Weather for May.
FIREs in May are unseasonable, but Mr. May has unfortunately had
a large one. May's property is insured in the Sun," says a report.
May's property has been anything but insured in the sun lately. Ask
gardeners and fruit growers.
Coopered.
THE correspondent of the Globe, Colonel Coope, has at last been
released. The Russians declined to Coope him up any longer. Let
us hope they will recoop his employers for the loss of his services.

"Barry me Dacent."
Mn. M. BARRnnY continues to devote his attention to the policy of the
Premier with regard to Russia. It is to be desired that the happy
recipient of such attentions will not find them M. Barry sing.
Personal.
ONE,of .the members of the present Cabinet is toolazylto:put his
foot down on anything he objects,to. He says onetoe's enough. He
.generally puts his vetoe on it,
Political.
LoRD BAeACoiSIELD complains that he has not been able to carry
his colleagues with him during the present crisis. It isn't a Porteable
Cabinet, you see.








34 F U N [JAN. 16, 1878.

I ,l ',l '" ", ". i"" ... '" ". i ", '|, M Y N IC E N E W Y E A R .
l.l| '1 '~~' -- HERE'S a nice new year we have just rung in!
It's as clean and clear as a brand new pin,
No spots or blots on its face appear-
I never did see such a nice new year !
The year just gone was so filled with gloom,
We put it away in a lumber-room;
It burdened our brains and oppressed our wits
By being so dirty and all-to-bits !
But this new year,-if you turn it round,
For a spot or a blemish, it can't be found;
I've always a fancy for nice new years-
I like 'em to cuddle-they are such dears!
The year departed was, oh, so queer,
It gave you the horrors when it wds near ;
I always imagine old years are such
Extremely unpleasant affairs to touch.
But this nice new year, you can quickly tell
Will grow, and get older and still do well;
As its days increase it will grow more sweet,
It is so deliciously nice and neat.
The year departed was quite unfit
For respectable folks to be seen with it;
No gentleman caring one cent about
A proper appearance, could take it out.
But the nice new year, which is bright and fair
Shall be wrapped in paper, with tender care;
And placed in a cabinet where we'll go
And look at it every month or so.
And my mind is free from a single doubt
That every time that we take it out,
From now to December, this yearling will
Be nicer and better and brighter still.

"Only Our Opinion."
THE Lord Advocate of Glasgow has expressed his
FITTING A NAME TO HIM. determination to put down all lotteries, whether hitherto
considered legal or not. As marriage is admitted on all
"WHAT WAS TH NAME OF THE MAN WHO WAXED PT, THAT OLD STICKLE S sides to be the greatest of all' lotteries, whether
TOLD US ABOUT AT THE SCRIPTURE LESSON THIS MOMING ?" hitherto consideredlegal or not," we think Scotch'matri-
"I nUNNO; FORGET; LET'S SEE, THOUGH, PERHAPS IT WAS PAUICHEOTS menial novelties are likely to be increased, rather than:
PILATE." diminished by his lordship's action.

Managerial Wit. A Loyal Spree.
SoME future D'Israe8 will, looking over the daily papers of the RICHARD LLtWELLYN, a journeyman tailor, of Leamington, has
present, probably compile an amusing volume which might well be been fined 10s. 6d. for being drunk. Mr. Lund, the chief constable,
entitled, "The Curiosities of Managerial Criticism and Lesseerial said the defendant had been on the spree" ever since the coronation
Advice." The Queen's has lately shone forth-in the line of in- of the Queen, but was a quiet and harmless man. Fancy ten shillings
structing the public as to how it should understand the most recent and sixpence fine for a life's loyalty! The magistrates with the heart
novelty produced there. Tastes are various, however, and some people to do this would have fined Mark Tapley himself for being jolly. It
may consider this the best portion of the advertisement: "Bounets can't be a joke, for the Leamington bench have clearly no sympathy
are allowed in the Balcony Stalls. They are precisely the same as with esprit.
those in the Orchestra Stalls, and from these the best view is obtained
of," &c. It is strange that the bonnets which are not allowed in the Ship Ah oy!
orchestra stalls should be precisely the same" as those that are per- A B UT was held the oher night at the Shi Greenwich, "in
mitted in the balcony; but it is stranger still when an attempt is made A BA T was hld the other m ght at the Ship, Greenwich, "in
to discover what are these from which the best view is obtainable support of the policy of Her Majesty's Government. Remembering
They must, we should think, be horse-collars-(and not bonnets at all)- the associations of this famous hostelry, it is rather surprising the'
through which the manager and his assistants are in the habit of supporters of Her Majesty's Government should have chosen it for
laughing at their friends and the public. It is not unwise to re- th eir gorge-ous display of loyalty. They needn't have published to the
member, in such cases as this, that they laugh best who laugh last, world that their policy is after all a fishy" one.
and that there is such a thing as laughing on the wrong side of the
mouth. Nao Ready, the Thirty-Third Half-yearly Voow of TN, beig ae
TWENTY-SIXTH VOLUME OF T E NEW S ELIES.
CHRISTMAS PARTIES (1878).-The War Party and the Peace Magenta Cloth, 4.. Sd.; post free, 5s. Caes for binding, la. 1d. each.
Party. Also, Reading Cases, 1.. dd. each.




CADBURYUS L
LAC KO nr II. A, NN E E ro. BRANDAUCR & C9.'S owr te",n
Mokemost deliios beveravea ty thea sie addition ofwate. into Fot g round by a new 0a1m Y.-
pinJIAaoLa EpP Ir/N-; &c, LOOmb es" of theEeSPEN neCimero e atnra
sole manufacturer. W. BEOV Ple drlxS. fl,:.r, o for a Sixeenny Sape l
sold by r. rct erand mt rnoe PURE-SOLUBLE-Wn o wmNG. asel the pattern beat suited to yourm ba.
Pi be oobi J nUj&eeh W all Wholesale houses. C4oumTON.., "Ca os MPita l M he (fo I tees P rse adtS Ftee,. JarWo B1,mzeAz.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dottors' Commons, and Peblished (for the Proprieters) at 153, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, January 16, 1878.








JAN. 23, 1878.] F U N 35


THE DISCOMPOSED COMPOSER.
I AM certainly not to be daunted
By anything human in shape,
But I'm frightened of rooms that are haunted,
And quickly I make my escape.
So you'll give me your sympathy hearty, "
And own that I've reason to swear,
When I say I'm a tremulous party
Who suffers from ghosts in his hair.
When the strokes of the midnight are chiming,
And the goodwife has gone to her bed,
Ive a habit of sitting and rhyming
On topics that come in my head;
I can work so much quicker in quiet-
I'm a poet, of course, you're aware-
But the moment my fancies run riot
The ghosts come and tickle my hair.
Then I pack up my pens in a hurry,
And put by my papers and ink,-
For you cannot write verse in a flurry,-
And up to my bedroom I slink.
Oh! the poems I could have indited
Would,have made every Tennyson stare,
But my chances of fame have been blighted
By the ghosts who have larks with my hair.
I cannot compose in the day time,-
Then all my romances have flown;
And the eve if I chose as my lay time,
The missis would grumble and groan;
But at midnight, when she has departed,
Crack crack goes each table and chair,
And the moment my muse has been started,
It is stopped by the ghosts in my hair.

"Those Straits."
THE Times says that the question of the Turkish I
Straits will enter largely into the question of the peace
negotiations. Probably the Russians will consider their
own Straits-those they've been put to by the war-as A )
well; so someone may as well give the B. P. the Strait
tip at once. PROFESSIONAL RIGHTS.
The Ladies of the Russo-Turkish War. Lady :-" SIPENE IS A GREAT DEAL TO CHARGE FOR SWEEPING MY
BELLA Horrida Bella. DardaNells. Sofia. Sal Onica. DOORSTEP! I GENERALLY ONLY GIVE THE LITTLE BOYS TWOPENCE."
Galli Polly. Bess Arabia. Sue Ez. Arab :-" AxArooRs, MUM! AMATOORS '

French Notes on England. LIFE'S LOVE CUP.
THE House of Commons has now become so disorderly that the
Speaker has to keep a fighting man for his protection. He is called 0 THAT bright eyes would not grow dim!
the Speaker's Jem Mace. That rosy lips would never fade!
Lord Disraeli has presented a pension of two hundred pounds, Fill passion's chalice to the brim,
known as the Chiltern Hundreds, to the widow of the late G. Wv. I And so forget that life is made
Hunt, First Lord of the Admiralty, and author of the famous war I Of hopes. nd dreams which years destroy-
song, "We don't want to fight." Of aught but youth and love and joy !
Sir John Bright, who was recently a rejected candidate for Lor Of thee and love; and youth and joy!
Maire, on account of his wearing an eye-glass, has made a speech at 0 drain the cup these moments give,
Birmingham, with the Lord Chamberlain, against war with Russia. The future copmeth all too fastgive,
Sir John is a Bishop of Quakers, and wears always a billycock hat. Thy lips, thine eyes, the life I live
The Baroness of Coutts has ordered Temple Bar to be pulled down Make glorious! But it cannot last,
and sold, and has forwarded the proceeds to the Turkish Compassionate For even eyes and lips like thine
Fund. The Baroness is head of a banking-house, and pays all cheques Must pale, and lose the way to shine!
over the counter herself. She is a great sportswoman, and sister of Ahl, yes! will lose the way to shine !
Sir Coutts, who paints all the pictures for the Grosvenor Galary.
But love-lit eyes will ne'er grow dim!
Love-speaking lips are always sweet.
Charitable Notes. Love flows beyond this goblet's rim,
A BETTER field for English charity than the battle-field of Turkey And rising round Time's flying feet
is the Sheffield of England. Will hide their prints! So still to me
Leave those who murther abroad, and look after the Merthyr at Thine eyes and lips shall sweetest be!
home, 0 evermore, will sweetest be!
Never mind about the worsted Turks; give an eye to the English
wool-Woolverhampton.
The famished Injuns being satisfied, help the famished Injuneers. TOO SHOCKING.
SCENE : The Last Cabinet Council before the Seventeenth.
Fighting Costume. BEACONSFIELD. Well, I shall maintain that India is in danger.
TREMBLE Russia! and you, 0 Czar, begin to make your peace with SALISBURY. Well, if you will, we shan't India.
the world! The Jersey Militia is being reorganised in accordance NORTHCOTE. Oh, lor! oh, lor Salisbury, don't. We shan'rt hinder'
with instructions from the War Office." The authorities must evi- ye-do ye see, Beaky P
dently mean business when they begin to bethink themselves of their BEACONSFIELD. What kids you fellows are Why can't you be
Jersey. serious-like me! (winks-o.k, such a wink!)

TOL. XXVII.








36 F U N [JAN. 23, 1878.


THE MORBID MAN.
IT is much to be regretted that my literary friend,
Mr. Jeremiah Joskyns came to such a shocking end ;
But instead of idly weeping and extracting tufts of hair,
Or employing other methods which may signify despair,
Let me put my pen to paper, and narrate in easy verse
Why beloved Jeremiah has departed in a hearse.
Oh, be gentle with me, reader sympathising, if you can,
For the friend whose dirge I'm chanting was no ordinary man.
He'd a mind above the level of the ordinary throng,
He was cleverer than Shakespeare, he was unexcelled in song ;
He could play the bones and banjo, and could photograph the sea,
He could argue Darwin silly, and put Tyndall up a tree ;
He could balance peacocks' feathers on his chin and on his nose,
He was Byron in his poems, and Macaulay in his prose;
You might once have searched creation his superior to find,
But, alas he fell a victim to his very morbid mind.
For at midnight, when he'd finished writing leaders for the Times,
And had polished off his essays, and his dainty little rhymes,
He would sit alone and ponder on the many awful things
Which the midnight, so they tell me, to the morbid often brings.
He would give his mind to murders of the most revolting class,
And imagine and invent them. as they'd never come to pass ;
Then he'd think of ghosts and corpses, and the tenants of the tomb,
Till he really saw them sitting in the corners of the room.
His imaginings were gloomy on the brightest summer eve,
So their ghastliness in winter you can easily believe ;
While the house was wrapt in silence on a stormy winter's night,
Then he wrote those awful stories that have turned the reader white.
They were mysteries of midnight in the style of Mrs. Crowe,
With a dash of realistic after Edgar Allen Poe ;
But in piling up the awful he could leave them both behind,
Neither Edgar nor the Lady had his very morbid mind.
I have seen a man perusing Jeremiah's Horrid Tales,"
As he walked along the pavement, faint and fall against the rails ;
I have often heard of cases where physicians had to come
To attend on lady patients whom those tales had stricken dumb.
They were written with a purpose, which was people's blood to freeze,
And to elevate their tresses, and to agitate their knees;
But at last the Legislature had to stop the clever lad,
For his popular romances sent the British nation mad.
Then he sat him down in dudgeon, crying, Out on worldly pelf !
Since I may not print my stories, I will write them for myself."
So he wrote about a murder, how a man was put to death
By his wife, who trained a vampire to appropriate his breath.
But he put so many horrors in the story as it grow,
That it turned his blood to water, and upset his reason too.
As the clock was striking midnight, down he sank upon his side,
Called his favorite ghost a humbug, curled his nether lip, and died.
It is much to be regretted that this really clever man
Had a mind which, misdirected, into muddy channels ran ;
Had he stuck to moral leaders, or to dainty bits of verse
On a widow's farthing rushlight, or the village maiden's purse,
He might now have been among us with a balance at his bank,
And with Thackeray and Dickens, or the writer, taken rank.
But the horrors came upon him, all his othet gifts to crab,
And there's "Jeremiah Joskyns" on a little marble slab.

Threepence Short!
THE Crown Prince of Austria, following the fashion of most Royal
and Imperial visitors now, has been lunching at Crosby Hall and ex-
pressing himself delighted in a series of Shakespearean plate-itudes.
Our important foreign visitors don't seem to consider themselves at all
distinguished by travel until they have put the Crosby Hall-mark on
their civic visitations. The only drawback to the general joy the
other day in Bishopsgate was found in the person of a waiter,
who, after much incoherent lamentation, at last sobbed out, Boohoo !
Call 'im a Crown Prince; why, 'e's only been an' guy me four-an'-
ninepence !"

"Up, Guards, and at Him."
MR. BENTHAM, of the Opera Comique, has been censured by the
Lord Chamberlain for dressing the character of an officer in the Guards
in the correct uniform. How shocking! Henceforward, let actors be
guarded as reguards their garde-robe. While we have a regiment
kept up for the sole purpose of looking swell in uniform, its officers are
naturally jealous of their sole virtue in the eyes of military authorities.
Poor Lord Chamberlain! Poor Guardsmen This world is much too
rough a place for such sensitive people.


THE BUILDING ACTS.

I.-BEFORE THE BUILDING ACTS. -THE DREADFUL
STATE OF AFFAIRS.
TOP ROOM LODGER (to
ANOTHERx TOP-RooM LODGER-
sanw top-room). Jiffkins! The
> W way they build now is simply
so bad as to be unbearable. This
top-room is so low that I cannot
stand upright, and I knock my
head at every turn. What is to
i be done ?
THE OTHER TOP-ROOM LODGER.
Tiffkins! I know what ought to
be done. There ought to be laws
made to compel the builders to build pro-
perly. That would do it at once,-remove
S the evil like a shot, you know.
THE FInsr T. R. L. Well, I tell you
what it is, I won't stand it any more; I'll
S go and live in a tent until the laws are
made, and then I'll take to houses
again-.
THE SECOND T. R. L. All right, I'll
come too. (They go and live in a tent.)

MR. (to Mns.) My dear, the roof of this
house is so badly made that the rain drips
on to your nose inside, and the chimneys
smoke, and the walls crack, and the stairs
creak.
M3is. And the partition-walls are so
thin that I can hear the baby next door
screaming, and the piano going.
MR. I tell you, my dear, this state of
-j f things will go on until there are definite
a ws passed regulating building. I won't
Sotoe for anybody who doesn't swear to
1 bring in a bill about it.
There ought to be a regular
Ssurveyor appointed in every
/-'' 1- ,-,' parish to see that the houses
I.. -' are properly built. That's
.. what's required-a regular
surveyor. Meanwhile, my
S-' '-, dear, I solemnly believe that we shall
get on better in a tent, out some-
where.
Ms. So do I, my love-we'll do
S '' it. (They go into a tent to await the
^l~ ~iiy Building Acts.)
A LOUNGER IN THE STREET. Con-
S llfound it all, I know the houses aren't
safe! They build so badly now, I'm
afraid every moment of having bricks
and tiles on my head. There ought to be an Act of Parliament about
building; that would remedy the evil. As for me, I shall go and camp


in the fields for safety until they've passed an Act. (He camps out in
the fields for safety.)

II.-AFTER THE BUILDING ACTS. THE GREAT CHANGE !
EVERYTHING PUT RIGHT!!
THE TOP-nooM LODnoGE. Well, old boy, now they've passed the
Building Acts we can take a top-room with some chance of walking









JAN. 23, 1878.]


IFUN.


MR. What ? Why, the Building Acts are-are-good gracious! I
p don't know what to call 'em. And as for the District Sur-
veyor- !
x v(The scene closes.)


about without knocking our heads. They're compelled to make the
top rooms not less than seven feet in height now Hooray! (They
take a top room.)
THE SECOND T. R. L. Well but-why-look here! The -ceiling
slopes down to six inches at the wall-how about the seven feet ?-oh,
here's the District Surveyor. I say, Mr. Surveyor, how about'the
seven feet ?
THE SuavEYoR. Well, you see, the room is seven-feet-one at the
highest point.
THE FIRST T. R. L. Oh, I say, look here, Jiffkins! My nose
touches the ceiling when I'm in bed !
THE SECOND T. R. L. So does mine. Oh, confound it all !-why,
what's the use of the Build- ? (They give it up as hopeless.)

THE LOUNGER IN THE STREET. Ah, well, now indeed I can walk
about in safety as they've passed the Building Acts. I'll just have a
look round and see the new houses building-the walls have to be 22
inches thick now in the tall ones. (He stands under a tall one and
meditates, and the tall one bulges and tumbles on him.)
THE GHOST OF THE CRUSHED LOUNGER (appearing to the DISTRICT
SUnvEYOR). Here, I say, I thought the walls had to be 22A inches
thick ?
THE SURVEYOR. Oh, yes, so they are, but the Act doesn't say any-
thing about the quality of the mortar; so they can use mud if they
like.

MR. (to MRas.) Well, my dear, I'm glad the Building Acts have
been passed, and we've been enabled to buy a house without fear of
its being badly built. Hullo Why, the plaster's all' cracking off the
wall! The house is settling Here's a great crack Why, the bricks
are as soft as mud And I'm afraid to go up the stairs !
MRs. And the partition-walls are so thin now that I can hear the
baby five doors off sneezing and the -piano going next-door-but-nine


RHYMES WITHOUT REASON.
A KING unconnected by marriage
With anyone keeping a carriage,
Thrust his thumb in a door
On the mezzanine floor
Of a building he went to disparage.
An actor engaged as a star,
Who was passing beneath Temple Bar,
Was so shocked when he found
Half a sov. on the ground,
That "Five-Twenties were quoted at par.
A lady of Lisbon who'd lent her
False hair to a worthy dissenter,
Was found in a swoon
In a Peckham balloon,
Which was claimed by a Drury Lane renter.
A man who stuck bills on the walls
Sent his sweetheart to sit in the stalls,
But the folks in the pit
Made the piece such a hit
That the stage was disturbed by her squalls.
A Russian declares that a Turk
Who had never read Speeches by Burke "
Was so pleased with the same
That he played him a game
Of bezique for that excellent work.
A magistrate finding a cat
With her family snug in his hat,
Sent 'em off in the van
Which is called Mary Ann,"
And himself in the vehicle sat.
A native of India, who
Had discounted a bill with a Jew,
Was so crushed by a snake,
That for months he could take
nO 4 + 1 TTl t-i i t


MAl. I never heard of such- Oh, here comes the District Sur- A n sh i .
veyor! (To the D. S.) I should like to say a word to you. (Tells him A sailor on board of a ship
about the plaster, and the cracks, and the settling, and all that.) Got a ey to send him a tip,
THE DISTRICT SURVEYOR. Well, you'see, the Act doesn't say any- But the post being late
thing about the quality of the bricks, or the plaster, or anything of He assaulted the mate
that sort; besides, I daresay there aren't any foundations, as the foot- And the man at the wheel with a whip.
ings were covered up when I came round, and the partition-walls may An earl who was lame from his birth
be made of mud and touchwood. Oh, by the way, I'll trouble you for Felt a longing to measure the earth,
two-pounds-ten, Surveyor's fee for that brickwork you put up in the But he died of D. T.
yard. Ere he reached thirty-three,
Mi. Well, but- Why, I only put two bricks to support one And his widow was loud in her mirth.
side of the water-butt- !
DisrIicT SURVEYOR. Oh, the number of bricks don't matter; the
charge is according for the scale of the house. Then there'll be Mem.
another two-ten for the other four bricks you put up to make a bird- THE earliest solution of the present question of war or peace will
trap, and another two-ten for- probably be a dis-solution.







FUN.


THE SATIRIST'S VICTIM.-AN ENTIRELY EGOTISTICAL NARRATIVE.


There was an Artist who completed a most satirical-nay, ironical-
nay, sarcastic--caricature of an enemy.


He trackedhim to a restaurant to enjoy his agony.


And he watched the Victim as he purchased the periodical (in which
was the caricature), and


But the Victim gazed at the caricature, and a smile spread over his features,


)


And the smile broadened out until it became
a great laugh.


" ave you seen this sketch, sir I" said the Victim. The
funniest thing I've seen for a long time-all about nme!"


So the Comic Artist completed a caricature
of himself and was heard of no more.


[JAN. 23, 1878.


Fi TA..,1 i.r ll


lip







FUN.-JANUARY 23, 1878.


THE ABODE OF MYSTERY.
Professor Dizzy:-" OBSERVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE IS NO DECEPTION. I PLACE THIS ARTICLE IN
MY HAT, AND FROM IT I WILL PRODUCE PEACE, WAR, OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU PLEASE."









JAN. 23, 1878.]


FUN.


A PLEA FOR THE POOR.
The stoppage of Cyfarthfa Works means to Merthyr literally starvation.-
Human endurance is at the end of its tether, and people are dying of hunger."-
Daily News.

E heard a cry the other day,
And many days the wailwent ringing,
That famine held its direful sway
And every note a death tale bringing.
This baleful blight fell on a land
Far, far away from our home dwelling,
Then Charity, with open hand,
Went forth her rich abundance telling.
And now at home we hear a wail
That thousands at our door are dying,-
Shall we to kith and kindred fail
While this grim foe is fiercely flying ?
No, no we need but raise the cry
That our own poor are sorely pining,
To hnow that ready help is nigh,
For Charity is ever shining. .
Come forth ye good, the tried and true,-
-B V Ye open-handed, want relieving !
Sf / As ye have done to others do
To those, our own so sad and.grieving;
For work there's none, "nor oil nor
corn,"-
There mothers with their babes are wailing,
Strong, hardy men are bowed and worn,
And brave hearts crouch at famine quailing.

"Y AWFUL MATER."
AN HISTORICAL DRAMA OF THE DAY.
ACT I.-SCENE: Madrid. K G OF SP N discovered with his
feet on the fender of his study," smoking his favourite cutty. PRIME
MINISTER in attendance.
K G OF SP x. Go on, my dear Minister, I've nerved my-
self to bear almost anything. What's she been doing now ?
PRIME MINISTER. Oh, shocking, your Majesty. She has been
overheard in a public assembly at Paris to say she will box your
ears the first time she sees you, and she's used terrible language about
your Majesty's future bride, and she's had another row with her cook
and flung a soup plate at his head, and he's going to bring her before
the court for an assault, and the other day she actually-I really hardly
like to say.
K G OF SP .. Go on!
PRIME MINISTER. She actually dined with Don Carlos.
K G orF SP N (jumping up). Well, hang it all, that is too
much. What can be done with her ?
PRIME MINISTER. Nothing, your Majesty, that's the worst of it.
We can't tie her up or put her in a lunatic asylum. If she takes it
into her head to come here and box your ears before the whole court,
how are we to stop her p
K G OF SP x. Oh, my awful mater! Don't talk about
her. Let's talk of something else-about the wedding festivities. Will
all be carried out as we have arranged without any difficulty, do you
think?
PRIME MINISTER. Oh, yes. But, your Majesty, I don't wish to
distress you, but I must mention it. Your royal mother is coming to
Spain, and insists upon being present at the ceremony, and she's going
to stay with you all the time.
K G OF Sr N. Oh, don't! Mercy! Give me some
brandy, quick! (PRIME MINISTER hands the K G some brandy.
He drinks, and gradually revives.)
PRIME MINISTER. Are you better, sire ?
K G OF SP N. Yes, a little. But, my dear Prime
Minister, can' nothing be done to prevent this catastrophe ? I don't
want to dread my wedding day.
PRIME MINISTER. I fear we can do nothing. The London Times
has a leader on the subject. It says, "The Ex-Queen of Spain claims
the right to be present at the ceremony. Fearing another scandal,
the Spanish Government are anxious to prevent this . but
nothing short of physical force will curb the whims of a perverse
woman."
K G OF SP x (groaning). Oh, my awful mater! She
must come, then.
PRIME MINISTER. She must. Your Majesty, we will devoutly hope
that in the presence of the celebrities of Europe she will, at least,
behave herself.
K .. G OF SP N. My dear Prime Minister, I funk it!


ACT II.-ScENE : Madrid. The .Day of the Marriage. The K at
his BRIDE, and the assembled guests discovered in the grand apartment
of the Palace.
PRIME MINISTER (to LORD CHAMBERLAIN). All goes well, and,
thank goodness, the Q ... n has not turned up. I expect she's turned
sulky and won't come.
LORD CHAMBERLAIN. Let's hope so. (A noise heard without. The
K G turns pale. The PRIME MINISTER and the LORD CHAMBER-
LAIN rush to the door.)
LORD CHAMBERLAIN. What's this disturbance ?
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS. It's a woman, who, says she's the
Q n of Sp n, and she will come in. She's bashed my helmet
in with her umbrella and set her poodle at me.
LORD CHAMBERLAIN (recogniing the Q N outside). Your
Majesty, I beseech you !
Ex-Q N OF SP x. Get out, you old fool. (Hits him on
the nose with her umbrella.)
PRIME MINISTER (to GUARDS). Let her pass. It's no use.
Enter the Ex-Q N OF SP N with a big umbre lla and her pccdle
and her bonnet very much on one side.
Ex-Q N OF Sp N (taking centre). Where's my ungrateful
brat?
K G OF SP N (imploringly). Your Majesty, I beseech you!
Ex-Q N oF SP N. Don't answer me, you young villain.
Letting your poor old mother be bullyragged at her own palace doors.
Yes, mine. You're only a nasty, little whipper-snapper of a usurper.
Get off that throne-it's mine.
K OF oSP N. Oh, my awful mater!
Ex-Q x OF SP N. Don't mutter at me, sir. Don Carlos
is my friend; he'll soon settle your hash.
PRINCESS MERCEDES (to the K G). Who is this dreadful, mad
woman?
K G OF SP N. My love, I regret to say she is my awful
mater.
PRINCESS. Oh, send her away, please. I shall faint.
Ex-Q N OF SP N. Is that hussy talking about me ? Just
let me get at her I'll pull her hair for her. (The Ex-Q N
makes a dart at the PRINCEss, but is seized by the PRIME MINISTER and
.the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, and borne by main force out of the apartments.)
K G. OF Sr N (wiping his brow). Oh, my awful mater !
CURTAIN.
OURSELVES. One might do better than be a king on his wedding
day.

A PERILOUS JOURNEY.
PEOPLE shudder at thoughts of the roaring ocean,
And picture the fate of the ships at sea;
When one lists to the winds as they cause commotion,
One pities the sailor where'er he be.
But a voyage by sea, when the waves are tossing
Their crested heads with defiant air,
Isn't half so shocking, I trow, as crossing
From Parliament-street to Trafalgar-square !
The vehicles cause an incessant rumble,
And frighten a person of quiet mind-
Besides, when one now and then has a tumble,
'Tis a difficult matter to feel resigned.
And now the Northumberland Avenue's traffic
Increases the terrors that daily scare,
And makes one's mind the reverse of seraphic
When attempting to cross to Trafalgar-square !
In heroic feelings I'd yield to no one,-
I've plenty of bravery in my breast;
If a staunch heart were needed, I'd quickly show one
That on fields of battle could stand the test;
I would face the deep with no sign of quailing,
Undismayed by the horrors of mal de mer ;
But I'll freely confess that my courage seems failing
'Twixt Parliament-street and Trafalgar-square !
There waggons, and hansoms, and carts, and busses,"
Start up from all corners where'er I turn-
By Jingo, I'd rather be out where the Russ is,
There I'd lead an attack without much concern.
Seek the spot, and you'll find that I've made no error;
It's something outrageous, and I declare
I consider that roadway an absolute terror
From Parliament-street to Trafalgar-square !

A Conundrum.
WHY would hanging the Examiner of Plays be a Ritualistic per-
formance ?-Because it would be swinging a censor.


41








42


FUN.


NO PRIDE ABOUT HER I!
Lady:-" BUT THERE'S SOME MISTAKE HERE; IT'S A LADY HELP I WANT."
Sweet Young Thing :-" Ho HI'H NOT AT ALL PERTICKLER, M'M. HI DON'T MIND COMING AS A LADY 'ELP,-IF YOU PREFERS IT."


THE EARLY WORM. other resolves had been before broken; and his poor heart-broken
mother would have to spank him still harder and find an even more
A MORAL STORY. SPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR LITTLE BOY READERS tender and beautiful poem to recite to him on the same subject and at
OF FUN." the same time. And his dear, sensitive, tender-souled father had to
TonMMY TUGMUTTON the younger had long been of opinion that go out and purchase a particularly strong and flexible cane, and telling
early rising was most cardinal among virtues. He had been told it so Tommy that the punishment hurt him who gave far more than it did
often by the clergyman of the parish, by the schoolmaster, by his him who received it, proceeded to lay it on as only a tender-souled
father and mother, and by everybody else who had at the time nothing parent fond of improving the occasion with moral axiom and aphorism
better to dilate upon, that he would have been a bad boy indeed can lay it.
had he failed to believe that the first duty of man in this world is to Now, Tommy finding he was breaking the hearts of both his parents
rise early in the morning and catch the earlier worm, or the still more by his behaviour, and having, besides, a great respect for his mother's
fleeting opportunity. spanking powers and his father's cane, decided that he would rise early
It is a singular instance of the difference between precept and in the future, even though he perished in the struggle. And having
practice, that though Tommy Tugmutton believed all that was told made this good resolution, he felt quite happy, and sang himself to
him, and was really much inclined to impress his convictions on others, sleep, like a good little boy with a calm conscience and a musical voice
he had not as yet succeeded in becoming an early riser himself. He always should do. And his resolve to do what was right was so great
would go to bed in the evening, after kissing his dear mother and that I would have laid a hundred to one that Tommy was up with the
receiving his beloved father's blessing, and, as he composed himself to lark next morning.
sleep, he would say, Now, I will get up early to-morrow morning- Alas that I should have to say it-pity me, gentle reader, and
just you see! mingle thy tears with mine own-Tommy was on this particular occa-
But it was ever the same. When the moment arrived at which all sion later than ever. And his poor mother was so hurt that she had
little boys should simultaneously rise from their slumbers, little to leave off reciting poems to her boy, but stood over him and spanked
Tommy Tugmutton slept calmly on. Slept, oblivious of the fact that while she had the power. And when she had done, his father,
the sun was rising, and the lark was singing, and the baa-lamb with the tears streaming from his eyes and full of the agony
skipping, and the labouring man going, oh, so happily to his work, which comes of intense mental suffering, took up his cane and laid
proud of the knowledge told him in good books, that sweet is the bread on until his sorrow was too much for him, and he was compelled to
of toil. Slept, though the bees went humming from flower to flower, desist.
and the birds hopped from tree to tree, each with a particularly fine Ah, how I pity those poor parents, whose most sincere endeavour was
and early worm in his mouth, and good little boys read their lessons to train up their child in the pleasant paths of virtue and of early
and prepared for school, and otherwise did what good little early- rising. But the boy was obdurate, and could never be got out of bed
rising boys ought to do. Slept till his virtuously indignant mother before six in the morning, and I only wonder a very bad end didn't
came up and spanked him vigorously, and, turning back the covers come to him. But no roaring lion beset his path as he walked
and dragging him out of bed, recited to him those beautiful lines by unwillingly to school, no right-loving elephant, knowing how bad he
the late lamented Dr. Watts on the benefits of being always through was, stood round the corner ready to spring upon and devour him.
life up in the morning early. Some such fate should have befallen this young culprit, I feel sure,
And Tommy would make another fresh resolve, to break it as his and if this had only been a story of fiction, I would have made it so;


[JAN. 23, 1878.








JAN. 23, 1878.] F U N 43


but I am, unhappily, confined to hard and to absolute facts, which are,
in this case, stubborner than ever.
A contemptible, busy-bodying neighbour went and told the police
that the boy Tommy Tugmutton was being ill-treated-ill-treated,
forsooth !-and the people came and broke all the windows, and a
foolish old magistrate fined those best of parents, Mr. and Mrs. Tug-
mutton, five pounds each, or three months in default!
And the worst of it all is, that Tommy was secretly assisted and ran
away to sea, and came back rich, and actually had the audacity to for-
give his father and mother and make them independent for life. And
Tommy is now an Alderman and a Member of Parliament, and may
one day hope to be Lord Mayor of London town.
While I-I, who have risen early all my life and know Dr. Watts
by heart,-have been hard at work all my life and am worse off now
than when I began.
And I'd try lying late in the morning myself to see if that
iniquity would change my luck, except that they won't allow it in the
Marylebone Woolhole, to which I am, kind Christian friends, at the
present moment reduced.

Sport!
THE Prince of Wales is about to purchase a pack of harriers, and
hunt them himself." So says a fashionable organ. Hunting the
harriers looks like a new kind of sport, and doubtless grows out of a
desire on the part of one who is himself tuft-hunted to death to hunt
something in turn, no matter how small. But why didn't our Royal
Nimrod arrange to slip himself and pack on those inferior brutes, the
cockney crew who have an occasional holiday meal off a tame stag
specially provided for the occasion P Perhaps he was afraid of
offending the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, and
those other tender Christians the Anti-vivisectionists, who never seem to
think there is any harm in the sport" provided by the Royal Buck-
hounds and their blatant followers.

Police Intelligence.
Two boys were recently brought before one of the Great Unpaid,"
charged with playing at cat" in the public streets. The worthy
magistrate having ordered the boys to be birched, complimented the
constable in charge of the case on his intrepidity, and furthermore
stated that in these days of hydrophobia the game of "cat" could
not be too doggedly put down. At this there were manifest symptoms
of applause in court, which, for once, were not immediately suppressed.
His worship had evidently been studying the Lancet, and was not
unnaturally somewhat confused.

Germane.
A COUNTR-Y paper states that "the Prince of Wales and a large
number of other German princes will be present at the marriage of
Princesses Charlotte and Elizabeth of Prussia next month." This is
evidently not writ ironic," and yet is a good deal more severe than
most intentional homethrusts. Any one who can't see the germ of a
joke in this must be himself a regular Germ-'un.

American Humour.
AN American visitor expressed himself disappointed recently with a
speech made by the Heir to the Throne. Well," said his English
friend, the general opinion here is that he is a very good speaker,
indeed, though not a brilliant orator." "That's what surprises me,"
said the Yankee, "for I always thought the Prince of W(h)ales must
be the greatest spouter known."

There's the Rub !"
DIRECTIox posts for the guidance of strangers are to be erected in
various parts of Newcastle. For the information of the large number
of Scotch gentry who are constantly visiting the town, and to prevent
any misconception as to use, Not erected by the Duke" is to be
legibly inscribed on each of them.

Musical.
Ir it be necessary for a vocalist to feel the sentiment he expresses,
Mr. Sims Reeves's newest song ought to be a big success. It is
entitled, Staying at Home."

Irony.
THE proprietors of ironworks all over the country are blowing their
furnaces out. This means that it will be a long time before the men
in their employ get a blow out.

No Fa-sillyties.
THE Silly Season is supposed to cease with the opening of Parlia-
ment. The cock and bull stories of the public this time will give way
to the Bear and Bull stories of the Members.


A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
Morning, 'Enery; I hope Isee you well."

OLD MERRY BOY'S SONG.
THE lord loves his land, and the miser his gold,
And the hunter his horse and his hound,
The bishop his port, and the warrior bold
His sword and the clarion sound;
And the sailor his lass,
And the beauty her glass,
And the reaper a bonny bright sky.
But give me a cot,
With love for my lot,
And a sparkle of mirth in my eye,
And this ditty I'll sing
With the pride of a king,
Though the cash in my coffers be small,
The best of all wealth
Is a good stock of health,
With a heart that is thankful for all."
While the duke has his castle, the monarch his crown,
And the courtier his title and name,
And their ladies repose on their couches of down,
And the minstrel is honoured with fame,
I will journey through life
Without envy or strife,
Looking out for its beautiful flowers,
And carry a light
For adversity's night,
And honey to sweeten its sours;
And I'll merrily sing
As I march with a swing,
Since honesty feareth no fall,
The best of all wealth
Is a good stock of health,
With a heart that is thankful for all."
Let the lord have his land, and the miser his gold,
And the hunter his horse and his hound,
And the bishop his port, and the warrior bold
His sword and the clarion sound,
And the sailor his lass,
And the beauty her glass,
And the reaper his bonny bright sky;
But with love for my lot,
In a sweet little cot,
And the sparkle of mirth in my eye,
I my ditty will sing,
Spite of penury's sting,
"Though the cash in my coffers be small,
The best of all wealth
Is a stock of good health,
With a heart that is thankful for all."

Charitable.
ALDERMAN M1APPIN, the Mayor of Sheffield, has taken up the
question of organised relief for the distress in that town, and is ener-
getically leading the views of the committee. He is Mappin out their
course.








44 FUN.


[JAN. 23, 1878.


Is -. ~
4 ett&c&~s


TOO MUCH LUXURY.
Sbut _Party:-" WANT YOUR WAGES RAISED BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN LAID UP SO LONG WITH RHEUMATIC GOUT WHY, YOUR ILLNESSES ARE
ACCOUNTED FOR BY THE WAY YOU PEOPLE LIVE. YOU THINK OF NOTHING BUT EATING AND DRINKING. HIGH WAGES ARE THE CAUSE OF THE
MORAL AND PHYSICAL DEGRADATION OF THE WORKING CLASSES. LET ME SEE, YOU GET NINE SHILLINGS A WEEK; I SHALL TAKE OFF TWO
SHILLINGS; YOU WILL THEN BE A MUCH HEALTHIER AND HAPPIER MAN."


IN THE STREET.
FIRsT SWELL. Hulloh, Jones, how are you, dear boy ?
SECOND SWELL. Pwetty well. Any noose ?
FIRST SWELL. No. Nothing in the-ah-papers, only this dwead-
ful noosance of a waw.
SECOND SWELL. Yes. Are you for England going to waw?
What's your policy, dear boy ?
FIRST SWELL. My policy-what's that ?
SECOND SWELL. Are you a waw party or a peace party ?
FIRST SWELL. Well, weally I can't exactly say. You see, when I
wead the .Ddily News I'm a peace party, and when I wead the Standard
I'm a waw party. I can't remember, at the moment, which I wead
last.
An Ungrammatical Joke.
THAT high-class print, the Hecker, says that Mr. Slade, the spiri-
tualist, lately arrived at Vienna, but was not granted permission to
stay there by the police authorities, owing to his inability to account
satisfactory for his profession." We don't want to urge the Hecker
to be more untruthful than it is wont to be, but we think, on the
present occasion, it would have been better had it indulged in a ly.


A Good Big One.
THE President of the Chamber of Commerce at Marseilles has pre-
sented Mr. Stanley with "a large medal." The reporters evidently
think that the size enhances the value of the gift, and dwell upon it;
but enthusiastic admirers of the great Henry M. should bear in mind
that he is so satisfied with his great past and his great future, that he
can very well afford to be satisfied with a little present.

'Bery Good!
LORD ROSEBERY is to receive, it is said, no less than three millions
of money with his bride, Miss Rothschild. If this young lady knows
anything of the proverb about looking a gift horse in the mouth,
she may ask his lordship what is the cause of his desire for t' Examiner.
(We trust our readers won't examine this joke too closely, but will at
once consider it couleur de Rosebwry.)

Now Ready, the Thirty-Third Half-yearly Volume of FTUN, being the
TWENTY-SIXTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, B5. Cases for binding, 1s. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.


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APICS~rW E&

AUN RS -1


Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dofteor' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, January 23, 18a.









JAN. 30, 1878.] F U N 45


0 _Z


- ., ., L


RATHER ROUGHSHOD.
Little Snob (loudly) :-" WHOSE 'ORSES ARE THESE, MY MAN?" Swell Groom (who does not approve of liberties) :-" YOURS, si! "
L. S.:-"MINE! WOT D'YER MEAN?" Groom:-" WHY, SIR, IF I'M YOUR MAN, THESE MUST BE YOUR LOSSESS "
[ Collapse of Little Snob.


NEW LEAVES.
A Beautiful Woman, by Leon Brook (Chapman and Hall). All true
men love fair women, and Mr. Fun does not wish to be considered in
any respect whatever an exception to this very noble rule. .We have
indeed an intense admiration for all the beauties of nature, and,
let us at once confess it, for female beauty in particular. It is not
our custom to notice novels, limited space effectually prevents our
doing so, but, having made confession of our faith, the reader will
understand how we should be attracted by the title of this book, which,
to tell the truth, has rather piqued our gallantry and compelled us in
this case to break through our rule. We took it up with gentle care
and read it through, and so much pleased were we with the reading
that we heartily recommend it to all those who enjoy this class of
literature. The author possesses very considerable descriptive powers,
and the book contains many passages of great beauty and tenderness.
The old French music professor and his talented daughter are extremely
good and true to life; the old father, especially, is a careful and
artistically drawn character; if there be a blemish in the book it is
to our mind that the heroine, the Beautiful Woman," insists a leetle
too much upon her beauty. But we will not find fault, as we understand
this isis the author's first appeal to the reading public, and rather say,
WVell done, Leon Brook, very well done; go on, your first effort gives
fair promise of good things to come, and we shall look anxiously for
your next book.
The Era Almanack, conducted as usual by Mr. Edward Ledger,
must command a very exceptional sale. In the first place, no member
of "the profession" can afford to be without it, and secondly, what-
ever is of vital interest to "the profession" is bound to have its
attractions to numberless people without the ranks of histrionomy-
as we recently heard the world of actors and actresses called by one
who was resident in it. There are, besides the carefully compiled
statistic lists, all sorts of curious adventures and experiences related
by all sorts of theatrical celebrities. Then, in addition, are stories and
articles by dramatic authors and critics. Of these latter the con-
tributions of G. Edwards and B. L. Farjeon are decidedly the best.


Mr. E. A. Southern may be astonished to hear that his story of the
patient who was taken to the river and "left" there was originally
told by no less a raconteur than one Harry Lorrequer, who can hardly
have been forgotten yet outside theatrical circles. We cordially re-
commend everyone to procure an .Era Almanack, simply because it
appears to us in many ways the most unique annual production
of the present time, and one of the cleverest as well.
Theatres and Music Halls is the title of a lecture delivered by the
Rev. S. D. Headlam, Curate of St. Matthew's, Bethnal Green, which
has found anything but favour in the eyes of the Bishop of London.
As there is nothing in it that any preacher of Divine mercy and
Christian charity should object to, we naturally suppose that his lord-
ship merely objects to the opinion expressed in common with every-
thing else that hails from the East-end. Perhaps the new Bishop
Suffragan who is to take charge of the poor portion of the diocese will
not be quite so austere, or so aristocratic in his notions.
The Resuscitated is an English version of Le Regent Mustel, by
Alexandre Dumas ils. The translation has been fairly well done,
and should have no lack of readers. It is issued by the Charing Cross
Publishing Company.

BAD TIMES FOR EVERYBODY.
SCENE: Newspaper Shop. Saturday Afternoon.
GENTLEMAN. Echo, please, miss ?
YOUNG LADY. All gone, sir.
GENTLEMAN. Anything special, then?
YOUNG LADY. Yes, sir. The "Old Nobility." The "Old
Nobilitys" always sell the Echo on Saturday.
GENTLEMAN. Do they really. What does Lord John Manners say
to that ? I'm sorry they've come down to selling the Echo, though!

Philosophical.
THE mildest thing won't stand too much. Milk and water willturn
if the weather comes it too warm.


'FOL. XXVII.










46 F U N [JAN. 30, 1878.


QUITE ANOTHER AFFAIR.
(A DUOLOGUE SUGGESTED BY A VISIT TO THE FULHAM ROAD.)
Persons: Jones, a dweller in Town; Brown, tle owner of a quiet retreat
ini the vicinity of Ftalham.


OH, Brown! I have come for your solace and pity
In all the misfortunes which hem me around;
My dwelling's a mile and a half from the City,
Where houses are many, and buildings abound.
The riches I have I would readily barter
To live in the peaceful abode you possess !
But-bother it, Brown I was born for a martyr-
It's bosh to regard me as anything less !
When neighbours around are combined to procure you
The crown of a martyr, permit me to say
That it's rather unpleasant: and mine, I assure you,
Behave in this heartless and criminal way !
My life, you'll believe me, is perfectly blighted
And turned into gall by the way they intrigue;
I know there's a General Central United
Annoyance-to-Jones Misanthropical League !
One neighbour-a thing that I might have expected-
Conceived the unmanly and paltry design
Of having a room, with a window, erected,
From whence he can constantly stare into mine !
Another one (doubtlessly sniggering sweetly
To think of my rage) has constructed on high
A villainous chimney, excluding completely
My only (and favourite) view of the sky !
Another one, constantly striving and toiling
At finding a way to annoy me anew,
Has chosen a green for his portico, spoiling
The noble effect of my own, which is blue !
Another one, equally bent on annoying,
And equally cowardly, heartless, and mean,
Has got a blue balcony, wholly destroying
The striking appearance of mine, which is green !
I fancy I've told you enough to impress you
At once with a sense of oppression and wrong-
Yet, Brown! if I chose to continue, Lor' bless you !
I'd spin you a story a mile or two long!
But, mark me-I banish the joy from their faces
By always invoking the law on the spot;
I'm mostly successful in winning the cases,
And then, I can tell you, I give it 'em hot!
BROWN".
Your neighbours' proceedings are most misanthropic,
Your case is the hardest I ever have known ;
Yet, seeing misfortune's at present the topic,
I may as well tell you a bit of my own.
The little abode you describe in complacent
And flattering language, I'd have you to know
Endures the misfortune of being adjacent
To fields where the cabbage and celery grow.
And ever and ever there hovers about it
The frequently varying scent of manure ;
And people unused to it tell me they've found it
A little unpleasant, at times, to endure.


My stock of acquaintances slowly is failing;
It daily grows scantier, scantier still-
For people who visit me go away ailing,
While people who stay with me go away ill.
At eve, when the noisome effluvia thicken-
At eve, when the light is beginning to fail,
Pedestrians padding it Putneywards sicken,
And travellers travelling townward turn pale.
My family, once of a fine constitution,
At present are rather too feeble to speak;
And, well I'm expecting my own dissolution-
Well- say, at the latest, on Saturday week.
JONES.
Good heavens With horror my mind's in a foment!
The case for atrocity couldn't be banged!
I'd go and I'd take out a summons this moment,
And have the offenders-the lot of 'em-hanged !
Bnowx.
When trifles occur that are slightly annoying,
The law's most attentive in setting things square-
But when it's a stench, which is foul and destroying
And deadly- why, then it's another affair.
Jones goes home, ponders upon it, and' becomes thankful for his own
lot, while Brown's heirs succeed to his estate.


Not by Results.
THE Albert medal of the second class has been awarded to Mr.
E. W. Owens, late second officer of the British ship Compadre, for
saving the life of an apprentice who was washed overboard by a wave
off Cape Horn. It is curious to speculate whether Mr. Owens, whose
deed was one of great daring and bravery, would have received the
first-class medal if he had rescued a first-class seaman instead of an
apprentice. Perhaps, as some may think, the fault lies in himself,
and not in the boy, and he might have received the superior reward
for doing much inferior work had he been himself a superior person.

Positive and Comparative.
"A LIFr-SiZE bust of the late Charles Gilpin, in marble, is to be
placed in the museum at Northampton." As another famous hero
says, How soon we are forcot And here is the still more famous
John without the shadow of a shade of a monument, and nothing but
the history of this country in which to commemorate his famous ride !
Still, if he hasn't got a bust, he had one or two busters, which, if
grammar is anything, must have been the more valuable.

"Look at Home! "
SOME papers have been making merry over the announcement that
the Mexican navy consists of four war steamers, not one of which is
ready for service. An advantage to our minds about this is that four
steamers wouldn't take nearly so long to get ready if required as forty,
which is about the number not ready for use in a certain disunited
kingdom we wot of.

A Banger.
GENERAL SaHUTE, M.P., says it is a perfect farce" to suppose that
India is threatened by Russia. As yet, our Government feel inclined
to have a General 'Shoot at the subjects of the Czar on that very
account.









JAN. 30, 1878.]


FUN.


THE WORKMAN OF THE FUTURE.
THE last quarter of the twentieth century was rapidly drawing to a
close, and the meridian sun of a bright January day was feebly, if
gratuitously, gilding the remaining spires and pinnacles of the fast-
decaying Houses of Parliament, when a strange and picturesque scene
might have been witnessed on the southern shore of the noble river
which has ever been the Cockney's pride. A vast industrial army,
gathered from every nation under heaven, were busily engaged in con-
structing the New Great Southern Embankment an undertaking
which an enlightened municipality had lately commenced after a pro-
longed series of floods had ruined the riverain ratepayers and rendered
the southern suburb a fever-haunted marsh. The past hundred years
had, indeed, wrought many and vital changes for England. The re-
arrangement of the maps of Europe, Asia, Africa, and America had
not been wholly to her satisfaction, but the Three per Cents, were still
believed in, and the quality of her bitter beer was as yet unrivalled.
The long and deadly strife between Capital and Labour had cr.d' d.
and-it were useless to disguise the truth-Capital had won. T h
fruits of the victory were to be seen in the motley gathering above
alluded to, for, in the grim struggle for existence between the (c-.-p.
and the dear races, high-priced labour had gone to the wall, anc th.
British working man had no longer any place in the new order of.
things. His very name had become a dim tradition lingering in -the
senile gossip of workhouse infirm wards.
But this is scarcely the place for a politico-economical disquisition, so
let it suffice us to say that the hour of noon struck, and forth from the
works trooped an interminable throng of toilers. The Celestial Em-
pire, of course, furnished a very large majority, but Parthians, Medes,
and Elamites were there, and far Feejee and Lualaba's shores-were
not unrepresented. In truth, so cosmopolitan a throng had probably
not been gathered together since the day when the great tower-building
works of Babel came to a sudden and unexpected termination. So'
vast a horde, of course, necessitated commissariat arrangements on a
scale of corresponding magnitude, andhumble representatives of the
nation of shopkeepers were naturally not backward in pursuing the
nimble ninepence under such favourable circumstances. Accordingly,
the viands provided were as diversified as the eaters. The catholic
nature of the menu may be judged when we mention that fried puppy
and sea-slugs, krass and stchi, frog bouilli and cat reti, sausage and
sauerkraut, with roast missionary thrown in as a concession to Poly-
nesian peculiarities, were all to be had for a consideration, within a
stone's throw of the great works. Thus the hungry mob was soon
busily engaged in discussing these varied delicacies, and, appetite
being at length appeased, they pervaded the neighboring streets to
enjoy post-prandial pipes and to beguile the remainder of the dinner
hour with polyglot conversations of a diversity which would have
knocked the late Cardinal Mezzofanti out of time at starting.
All around was tranquil, if we except the horribly discordant row
caused by the peaceful converse of the intelligent foreigners, who now
occupied the positions erst filled by the once-famous British artisans,
and digestion was proceeding with uninterrupted -serenity, when a
noise was heard which attracted attention from all around. A gang .
of Eskimo hodmen, catching sight of an old, old man sitting weeping:
solitary in a oarner, had advanced towards him with jeering shouts and
hyperborean chaff, whereupon the venerable mourner had waxed:
exceeding wroth, and natheless his weight of years defied his greasy
insulters to come on. The old gentleman seemed to be no stranger to
the motley crew, for shouts of, Go it, old Brown instantly arose
in half a hundred different languages, albeit the tones had more of
contemptuous pity than cheery encouragement in their accent. The
poor old man would soon have fared badly at the hands of his
assailants, had not a sturdy Mongol mason, shouldering his way
through a mob of Malay mortar-mixers, clapped him on the shoulder,
and in choice Chinese bade him be of good heart, for he would see him
righted. The old man would not, however, be easily pacified. In a
voice tremulous with age and alcohol he hurled denunciations upon all
around, and the tenor of his remarks ran something in this fashion:-
You're all a set of cheap, nasty, hignorant scum-that's what you
are, and if I was only forty years younger, I'd make it preshus warm
for some of yer. Yer may larf at me, but what I say's true-yer only
a lot o' hinterlopers in this 'ere country. Why, I've heerd my grand-
father say as 'ow, when his father was a boy, all the building' work of
IHingland used to be done by Hinglishmen." The mob here uttered
derisive shouts of incredulity. Ah, but it was, though," continued
the old man, and the same with the coal mines and heverythink ;
but the 'orny 'anded sons of toil, they couldn't stand the masters bein'
better off than theirselves, so they struck and struck till at- last they
were struck all of a heap, and their places grajelly got filled up by
such trash as you. And here I'm the only Hinglish mason wot's left,
and I ain't done no work this forty year all along of you beastly
furriners, and-well, Wang Foo, I don't mind if I do 'ave 'arf a
quarter. You ain't 'arf a -bad sort for a Chinee. But thinking of
wot I've heered about old times allus upsets me."
And here the bell rang and the crowd went back to work.


JACK-IN-THE-BOX."
I'VE a strange disposition, mercurial maybe;
Though troubles oft seek me, they never last long;
I'm so childish in manners you'd call me a baby
(Though I would I wore free-as a baby from wrong).
I've a fondness for toys, such as marbles and rattles,
And though each relation my playfulness mocks,
I've found that they help me to sneer at life's battles,
And my favourite toy is a Jack-in-the-Box."
It strikes me as being exceedingly funny
To see him pop out of his little retreat,
I assure you I've often spent lots of my money
In buying these .toys of the man in the street.
Though you shut him down fast he springs up with much vigour,
Unimpaired by a constant succession of shocks;-
By Jingo, he's really a comical figure,
That quaint individual, "Jack-in-the-Box" !
I think I resemble that figure I mention,
For I quickly recover when matters go queer;
Though Care's held me fast I've escaped his detention,
And afterwards laughed at my folly and fear.
For a moment I'll own the horizon seemed clouded,
And sorrow would often bestow some hard knocks,
But though life for a spell with despair seemed enshrouded,
Lo, here I am grinning like Jack-in-the-Box !
Ill-health has, at times, made me look at life's pleasures
With morbid ideas in my fanciful brain,
And I've sometimes lost sight of the marvellous treasures
The fairy Contentment can bring in her train.
But thank God that these spells of ill-health have departed,
And kept me fromarunning on Misery's rocks,
Up I jumped (with a thankfulness really true-hearted)
Like my favourite plaything, a Jack-in-the-Box."
Ah, friends, after all there's enough in existence
To gladden our hearts, if we see it aright;
Don't look at life's pleasures and joys from a distance,-
In the darkest of seasons you'll find somwethig bright.
Though, like all human beings, despair may oppress us,
As dismal as night (which in Latin is nox),
There always is somebody ready to bless us,
So let us spring up, like a 1' Jack-in-the-Box."

A Threatened Misfortune.
AT a Rhyl dinner recently an old man eighty years of age sang a
song of eighty verses." It is not stated how long the performance
lasted, but there can be little doubt it considerably out-lived the
auditors' enjoyment. Now that centenarians are cropping up every-
where, and, so far, merely dying to prove that they have lived, this
,sort of thing contains a dangerous precedent. Instead of "pegging
out" peacefully, these hundred-year-olds will be going about singing
interminable songs to show how ancient they and their customs are.
Besides, they will be wanting the money for themselves that the
penny-a-liners now get for killing and decently interring them in the
usual manner.

A Mauvais Quart d'Heure.
AN inhabitant of Bexley Heath sends us the following announcement,
which is to be found in an omnibus running between the railway station
and a local hotel:-" Notice.-On Saturdays the omnibus leaving the
Upton Hotel at 2.30 p.m. will leave at 2.15." There is evidently a
joke here somewhere, if we coula but unearth it, and we regret that
our correspondent didn't forward that, or a recipe how to obtain it, as
well. Perhaps he was short of time, having to catch the 2.30 omni-
bus that on'this particular occasion started at 2.15.

Newmanity.
Ma. BAss has promised to contribute a thousand pounds towards
the purchase of a new people's park for Derby." Brown says this is
as much an ethnological as a municipal novelty. It must be a regular
Mungo Park if it is to be entirely the property of and associated with
"new people."

Query for the Fifteenth Time.
A GENTLEMAN named Pride was recently summoned, for the
fourteenth time, before the Liverpool magistrates, for not having his
children vaccinated. It is not well to wish anyone harm, but surely
this is the Pride that should have a fall.








FUN.


[JAN. 30, 1878.


AT A SERVANTS' REGISTRY OFFICE.


Lady in search of servants. I require a cook, a housemaid, and a scullery maid
-but this scullery-maid will not suit me." [Exit Girl.


"And when I hiles my 'air a bit extry
-then I'm a cook."


(Re-enter Girl.) Girl. I think you wanted a
'ousemaid, Mum ?"
Lady. "Yes, but surely you're the same girl that
came to me as a scullery-maid just now ? "
Girl. Yes, mum; but yer see I've washed my
face and put on some extry bows, and these yere
gloves,-and then I'm a 'ousemaid."


The Registry Oflice Keeper. Well, ma'am, she is all the stock we have at present,
and she's sure to be snapped up, unless you decide at once."
[Lady does decide at once-" No !"






ii


F-U JS.-JANUARY 30, 1878.


N
C- ,,j ~ I' ~


__


k&


f:j~
// i~
/


k 1z7-~
'<11


"OTHER FISH TO FRY."
Mr. Bull:-" DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU, I'M SURE; BUT, REALLY, I'M SO VERY BUSY WITH THIS DREADFUL
WAR QUESTION, THAT I CAN'T ATTEND TO YOU AT PRESENT."








J". 30, 1878.] FUN. 51


RHYMES WITHOUT REASON.
A MEMBER of Parliament said
That a dog wasn't right in his head;
The dog was annoyed,
Had the Member destroyed,
And sat for the borough instead.
A policeman, patrolling his beat,
Met a ghost eating underdone meat,
Which so frightened the peeler
He called a four-wheeler,
Andrhid himself under the seat.
A Bishop returning from Rome
Found the bailiffs had collared his home,
So he put on some shawls,
And went off to St. Paul's,
And had supper on top of the dome.
A poet who'd written some verse
Gave his hand to a hospital nurse
The committee, with pride,
Said to church they should ride,
So they lent them the hospital hearse.
A Scotchman residing at Bow,
Found his Government berth getting slow,
So he rubbed the appointment
With Holloway's ointment,
To make the emoluments grow.


"AHorse! A Horse!"
A HORSE-FLEsH banquet on novel principles is to be
given at the Crystal Palace. What the novel principles
are has so far been kept dark. At considerable expense,
however, and in the interests of our readers, we have
discovered that the horse d'weuvres will be handed round
by horse marines, that the meat will be specially grown
in the Horseferry-road, and slaughtered at Horselydown,
and that Mr. Horsley, R.A., will be present to com-
memorate on canvas so thoroughly horsepicious an
event.

A Way-ty Matter. INCREDIBLE OBSTINACY.
IN an article on Hints to Visitors, the Christia? Globe Governess :-" WELL, JOHNNY, WHERE IS YOUR COPY ?
says, "Try, without being too familiar, to make
yourself so much like one of the family that no one Johnny:-" GoT NO Ix,-SWALLOWED THE INK.
shall feel you to be in the way." We perfectly agree Governess:-" SWALLOWED THE INK! WHAT IN THE WORLD DIDnYOU
with these sentiments as a rule, but think there is one DO THAT FOR ? "
exception. At dinner time it is expedient to be always Johnny :-"WELL, YOU SEE, I WASN'T GOING TO LET IT MASTER ME
"in the way." ALTOGETHER !


"How not to do it."'
IT is stated that a method has been discovered by a well-known
military inventor," by which every man of an infantry regiment
can be provided with both pick and shovel in the field without
calling into requisition either pack-horses or equipment carts. It
looks like a very advantageous discovery, but this fact in itself makes
it doubtful that it could have been discovered "by a well-known
military inventor." Unfortunately for him, as well as for ourselves,
by the time a military inventor becomes well known, what he has
invented has not only ceased to be useful, but has not unlikely been
clean forgotten. In their new found zeal some folk seem to forget
how we encourage" our own military inventors, and offer them
reward-after they have died a long-lingering death which grows
out of the hope deferred that maketh the heart sick.

Pax.
THE people who invented the Latin language were subtle humourists.
In times like the present, it is worth noticing that their word for
peace was an x terminating word.

A Random Shot.
DID the finding of twenty-five Krupp guns at Nish by the Servians
prove that there had been anything in the way of Kruppt practices
among the Prussian neutrals ?

Jennerous.
A DISINTERESTED person is anxious to know whether the discoverer
of the vaccine lymph was really a blessing to his Jenneration. N.B.
-This is not a conundrum.


SNOW IN LONDON.
(A CaRi" FROM CAMPELL.)
IN London, when the glass was low,
There came a heavy fall of snow,
And coldly did the north wind blow,
The puddles freezing rapidly.
The snowflakes glistened in the light-
The chimney-pots were clothed in white.
In truth, it was a splendid sight,
That bit of winter scenery !
No end of slides the street-boys made,
And steady folk were sore afraid
To venture out while urchins played
At snowballing and devilry !
'Twas fine, methinks, to see them run
And pelt each passer-by in fun,
For gleefully they'd land him one "
Right in the ear-hole skilfully.
Pedestrians of visage grave
Might shake their gamps and vainly rave,
Each impolite and unwashed knave
Still pelted with alacrity.

In London, ere the sun went down,
The snow was turned to whitey-brown,"
And slush prevailed throughout the town,-
Then people swore like anything !








IFUN.


[JAN. 30, 1878.


QUITE THE HISTORICAL CHEESE.
En quiring Mind:-" AUNTIE, DEAR, WHAT BECAME OF ROMULUS AND REMUS?"
Precocious To:-n I SoNW, I KNOW,-THEY WERE SMOTHERED IN THE TOWER BY ORDER OF THAT WICKED DUKE OP DOUBLE GLOSTER."


THE GLADSTONE BAG.
A NARRATIVE OF ADVENTURE.
THEY stood alone in the trackless paths of the Great African Desert.
They had got into the wrong train at the Paris Exhibition, and been
taken to the basin of the Nile. Ignorant of the language, they had
misread a sign-post, and now they were alone in the mighty desert of
the untrodden regions. Alone with a Gladstone bag and a Bradshaw.
But he was a man of infinite resources, a man of science, and a man
to whom the secrets of chemistry were an open book. He was also a
practical carpenter and blacksmith, boat-builder, joiner, painter,
plumber, glazier, undertaker, gunsmith, compositor, bricklayer, gas-
fitter, and engineer. She was his young and handsome wife, a fair
and radiant damsel plucked from the flower-garden of Belgravia to
adorn his breast. They were spending their honeymoon in Paris,
when they got into the wrong train. She was a fragile and delicate
creature, and he trembled for her health. He saw that they would
have to march many days over trackless deserts among savages and
wild animals before they could reach the sea and construct a boat to take
them to England. That evening as they sat together under the shade of
his umbrella, he mentioned his fears to her. But she dispelled them
in a moment. Have no fear for me, darling," she said, I am not
strong, but I shall be of much use to you. Papa insisted upon my
having a practical education. I can shoot savages, make clothes from
the bark of trees, cook wild beasts, construct sails from date-stones and
plantain-leaves, make bread of sand and fir-cones; I can also manage
a balloon, box the compass, and tame dromedaries."
He kissed her rapturously on the brow.
Thank goodness I married such a treasure he said. Where
should I be now with a know-nothing fine London lady? Talk about
Robinson Crusoe and the Swiss family Robinson-they won't be in it."
The next morning he drew from his Gladstone bag a telescope, a
barrel of flour, some tea, a tea-pot, and a roast fowl and some eggs,
which he handed to his wife to cook for breakfast-all except the tele-
scope, with which he reconnoitered the surrounding country.
When breakfast was finished she put what was left into the Glad-


stone bag and started on their 12,000-mile journey to the sea. But
it was slow work walking, so, taking a chest of tools, some paper, and
glue from the Gladstone bag, they sat down and constructed a kite
with a strong seat to hold two at the end of it. Finding the wind
was favourable, they mounted and had an uninterrupted journey of
500 miles across the desert.
In order not to be shot at by the natives, whenever they passed an
encampment they took lime from the Gladstone bag and dropped it,
and thus blinded the warriors. Towards evening, by throwing out
ballast from the Gladstone bag, they went up quite high in the air
for safety during the night. Drawing two large coils of rope from
the Gladstone bag, they lashed themselves secure and went to sleep.
Early on the following morning they came down and prepared for
breakfast. Taking a frying-pan and a pound of sausages from the
Gladstone bag, the good wife soon had a nice meal ready. They had
no trouble about fire, as they had a bottle of methylated spirit and a
cooking stove and some matches in the Gladstone bag.
They travelled thus for several days, only meeting with one ad-
venture, an attack by a swarm of eagles, but drawing a couple of
loaded guns from the Gladstone bag they shot the whole lot before
much damage had been done to the kite.
On the 24th day they arrived at the sea-coast, and, constructing a
boat from materials they had in the Gladstone bag, rowed out to
sea till they met a ship, which conveyed them safely to England.
And in their old age they would often say that they owed their lives
during that perilous journey to their both being practical people-and
having a Gladstone bag.

By a Steam Feller.
MR. GLADSTONE once remarked to a very great man, "It is more
considerate to fell trees in summer than in winter. In summer you
fell them with their leaves, in winter you have to fell them without."

Natural History.
ANIMALS lick each other from motives of affection. The reverse is
generally the case with man.


52









JAN. 30, 1878.] F U N 53


AN ANTEDILUVIAN STORY.
THIS is a tale to make you weep,
And haunt your brain when you go to sleep;
This is a deed arrayed in rhyme
That was wrought in the antediluvian time,-
When the ways of the world were queer, I guess,
And little attention was paid to dress,
When seldom or never a thing was done
That smacked in the slightest degree of fun;
When society's morals were slightly loose,
In proof of which let me facts adduce
In the tale which I now unfold to you,
While begging to state that it's strictly true.
Polli, the daughter of Jaz-o-rab,
Was betrothed to the warrior Bab-i-lab,
The bravest soldier in all the camp,-
A man of the antediluvian stamp.
Now Polli was proud of her soldier boy,
And heard of his valorous deeds with joy,
But wanted, before she named the day,
To see him a Plesiosaurus slay.
The Plesiosaurus was hard to fight,
The Plesiosaurus was given to bite,
And anyone bitten, the people said,
Went mad in a jiff if he didn't go dead.
She mentioned her wish to the soldier brave,
Who, wishing to please her, his promise gave
The Plesiosaurus to fight alone
With his trusty weapon of polished stone.
(This tale is laid in the time, you know,
When weapons of stone were all the go.)
In training he went for his fearful fray,-
He trained in the antediluvian way,
By living on nothing but milk and roots,
And walking the desert without his boots,
And rubbing his muscles the whole day long
With unicorn's fat to make them strong.
When all was ready, they sought the ground
Where the Plesiosauri most abound;
They sought a spot by the gloomy strand,
Where the Plesiosauri did the grand.
The warrior bold of the scene took stock
While Polli remained on a lofty rock,
With her opera-glasses poised and bent
On the road that her conquering hero went
In search of an animal left and right,
Till at last he was out of his Polli's sight;
But never a one could the soldier spy,
Though he looked in the rocks with an eagle eye.
To tell you the truth they had sniffed a rat-
(The Plesiosaurus was never a flat)-
And had hidden away in the shallow pools
To laugh at those antediluvian fools ;
And never so much as a nose was shown
Till poor little Polli was quite alone.
Then straight they crept to that lonely rock,
And it gave the maiden an awful shock
When they rolled their eyes and they shook their claws,
And opened their horrible, horrible jaws,
With looks that made her at once infer
Their dinner that day would consist of her.
They tore her to bits in a brace of shakes,
And all of them relished their maiden steaks,
And when they had finished and smacked their lips
They plunged in the sea for their noonday dips ;
And nothing was left to tell the news,
For they'd eaten her brolly and fancy shoes.
And her lover, believing she'd gone away,
Got married to somebody else next day.
MonAL.
Young ladies, don't ask your lovers to fight
With Plesiosauri or beasts that bite,
Or while they are absent your bidding to do
The Plesiosauri may fancy you.

A Contradiction.
THE case which resulted in Dimsdale's imprisonment for life was
" Re leases."


MAL-APROPOS REMARKS.
"Lor, George! How you do run on !"I

A. Real Treat.
Tim Bethnali Green) Board showed themselves superior mt theBhath
Guardians the other day, and in. response to the offerof Mr. Fbrt,
proprietor of the Foresters' Music Hall,,rescindbd their resolution pro-
hibiting the paupers from partaking of any amusement other than
that afforded within the Workhouse wall!' Sb' the inmates of the
Union had; a day out, and we trust forgot for a while their sorrows
and troubles.. It is whispered that in addition to pleasing the eye and
the ear, the promoter of the entertainment presented each of his
visitors with a little drop of something, of an equally Fort-ified
character.

Stone Blind.
AN employer of labour, named Thomas Stone," writes to the Times
a one-sided rigmarole in the hope of stopping the assistance which is
now.being sought for the starving women and children of Merthyr.
We have the testimony of the best-known men in the districts, of the
clergy, and of London visitors, that the distress is something terrible.
It is earnestly to be hoped that the epistle of this ill-advised person
will not cause the starving wretches to be answered with a Stone when
theory for bread.

An Organic Affection.
THAT travellers see strange sights is proverbial. At the present
time, however, Londoners can indulge in a wondrously strange site.
No matter where you go just now you will come across Sweethearts"
on a Barrel Organ.

Cheap and Nice.
A SHILLING telephone is now being sold which answers admirably."
That is considerably more than the very expensive ones are doing, as
so far they only convey the original message, and quite a fresh
arrangement is necessary for the answer.

A Hearty Joke.
SPEAKING of the war agitation the other day, an orator exclaimed,
"I know on which side every true born Englishman's heart is." We
are loth to be unpatriotic, but cannot help reminding the gentleman
that, if an Englishman's heart was on the right side he wouldn't be
true born.

Astley's Circus.
AT a "tournament" provided for pedestrians by Sir John Astley,
*each man is to "make the best of his way." As the American
wiggle-waggler Weston is to be in it, it would be interesting to know
how much "best" there is to be in his way of going.

One Trial Sufficient.
ALTHOUGH defeated, Osman Pasha is going to have another trial.
IHe will be tried by the Russians this time for murdering the Russian
prisoners in Plevna.








54 F U N [JAN. 30, 1878.

WANTED, A COTTAGE.
I wisa sometimes that I could find
A. snug and very warm retreat,
Woll stored with dainties for the mind,
And handy, too, for butcher's meat.
Some placo away from London noise,
Where still some human beings dwell ;-
I'm sick of squares and rowdy boys,
The country suits me twice as well.
A quiet cottage I should wish
With doors and windows fitting tight,
A cook who would prepare a dish,
And make me puddings sweet and light.
Well filled with books the shelves should be,
The kind of books a man can read,
And gas laid on I'd like to see,
For candles make me sad indeed.
If "such a cottage I could spot,
A month or two I would remain;
A But ne'er as yet I cottage got
That was not up a muddy lane.
'Twas still, I grant you, night and day,
wNo sound disturbed my quiet thought;
The shops were all ten miles away,
And only tramps my dwelling sought.
'Tis sad to think 'tis ever thus
With all we want in things mundane;
In what would best have suited us
Some blemish lies its joy to stain.
At sweet Betreats, 'mid banks and braes,
In sununer time the poets jump,
But winter nights and rainy days
Would send a fellow off his chump.

S Collar Work.
THE "liner" in attendance at Greenwich Police
TCourt has discovered something new in the way of
__ anatomy. "In falling Girling's head came in contact
-- __ with some deals of timber, and the collar-bone of his
right arm, which was in a sling, was forced out."
ALTERING THE COMPLEXION. Deals of timber" is a luxuriant expression which
LT NG T O PL EXION. deals rather hardly with language as well as wood; but
Bill:-" I SAY, MARY, RUtN AND ASK JULE TO COME AND PLAY WITH US." "the collar-bone of the right arm" infers a superabun-
Mary:- You ixow, BILL, MOTHER SAYS YOU AIN'T TO CALL HIM dance of material which, however right in the report,
LE,-- YoS NAMEoS J BOL-IS." Cmust be wrong in the position. Possibly our friend
JULE,-HIS NAME'S JL-IS." imagines that every bone, when forced from its proper
Bill:-" WELL, WHAT DOES SHE CALL ME BILL POR, THEN? I SHAN'T position and unable to do its regular work, is an "out
CALL HIM JUL-IUS UNTIL SHE CALLS ME BILL-IOUS." Of Collar" bone.

A PEACE FOOTING. are substantial and not like those American militia-men of rank whom
Mark Tapley accused of commanding one another. There is one thing
THE Peace Society is indignant because it has discovered that about our generals, lieutenant-generals, major-generals, colonels, and
"there are 332 handsomely salaried admirals for the 297 ships in lieutenant-colonels, which should win the hearts of all, and make even
commission in Her Majesty's navy, that is, mre than one admiral to the Peace Society feel an amount of unusual admiration-they are not
every s/ip." And then, not satisfied with making a fuss about this, only ever ready to draw the sword, but they keep their hands con-
the Society goes on to say: "It is the same with the army, or worse. stantly in for the business by drawing the salary.
For the 151 regiments of the line possess 105 generals, 169 lieutenant- t lmoh u ebd g e r
generals, and 554 major-generals, or 828 generals in all-that is to say,
m're th(oan fire generals to every regiment of the line . Besides all The Infant Mind.
these generals there are nearly 1,300 colonels, and 2,000 lieutenant- A CHARITA3LE society now exists which has established a home
colonels, and in short 13,898 superior officers, of whom 11,167 are on where "minds," i.e., little children whose mothers and fathers are out
full pay." Now this is very unwarrantable interference on the part all day, may be left. The minds are taught plain sewing and to make
of the Peace Society, which should of all other societies know that the littlemats to keep them out of mischief. This is a genuine case of
safest way to preserve peace is to be always prepared for war. And mind and matter.
with an admiral and an eighth to every ship, and six times that
quantity of generals to every regiment, who dares say the note of A Soupernal Shame.
preparation has not been sounded, and to some tune too; and how "A sour kitchen, established at Merthy., supplies over 2,000
c9t/ld England fail to come triumphantly out of a war with all these children daily." To whom ? and what is the Government about to
superior persons to direct the well-tried bravery of British troops? allow such traffic ? We have before now heard of "a broth of a boy,"
It ought to be to the pride of every true Englishman that these officers but each male of these poor children must be a boy of broth.

AS THE BEST FOOD aa u m_
O $,. THE FACULTY RECOMMEND llE f U '

CHAPMAN'S UAUDUi1I E
Entire Wheat Flour. rP
THOROUGHLY COOKED. C. BRANDAUER & CO,'SNewregistered'-prs.
4 PERFECTLY DIGESTIBLE, xe o UU a n
-kN 6 atoner 0o a uAs srted Ssmple Box ant
HIGHLY NUTRITIOUS PURE-SOLUBL-R FRESHING. nlet the pattern best ste to your Bohand d
RICH IN PHOSPHATES. UrONk.--IfeC n oth k si up p itra.o tsdditionofstareS. Wors, BIxmNGHAx.
I Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, January 80, 1878.







FEB. 6, 1878.]


FUN.


UTTER ABSURDITIES.
UTTER absurdities, so they say,
Chance to happen at certain times;
Perhaps the things that I mention may
Here in these awfully foolish rhymes.
A prince of the blood may yet be seen
To stand at the grave of a friendly king;
That is the sort of deed I mean
When I talk of an utterly foolish thing.
Utter absurdity, too, wouldd be,
For news of the Fleet to be aught but sells,-
For us to know when they're on the spree,
Or a wild goose chase up the Dardanelles.
Mad is the Briton who dares to ask
Why a Cabinet orders an act of war;
Chancellors mustn't be "took to task
With a What d'ye want six millions for ?"
Utter absurdity marks the man
Who doubts for a Russian in thin disguise ;
He has only old Gladstone's face to scan,-
Russian is writ in his earnest eyes.
"Never this man led England yet,"
That's what the truthful Tories say ;
All of his past the wise forget,-
Nobody knew him until to-day.
" Wasn't he," asks the fool in doubt,
Once the greatest in all the land ?"
Utter absurdity Turn him out,
He was only the chief of a pigmy band.
Gladdy's a serf who saved the Czar ;
He firstfappeared at St. James's Hall;
He is paid by Russia our schemes to mar,-
He never was anything here at all.
Utter absurdity marks the ways
Of all the Liberal shameful crew;
If they were sane they could but praise
All the infallible Tories do.
Some of us wildly fancy still
That Parliament governs an England free.
Utter absurdity 'Tis the will
Of a monarch whose name begins with B.


I .


/


THE WAR PARTY.
AMiserable old man (croaks) :-" WHILE WE'VE AN 'AND TO SPARE,
WE'LL FIGHT THRO' SNOW AN' HICE AGAINST THE RUSSIAN BEAR."


MANGOLIA DABBOVISKY.
I tLOVED her. The world held for me no form so beauteous, no eye
so bright, no cheek so soft, no mouth so cherry ripe as hers.
0 Mangolia Dabb why-why did you leave me to die in my misery,
alone ? Chaste as the eagle, pure as the nautilus, thou hast gone from
my gaze for ever. It was the wild romance of my heart, and it was
blotted and blurred out of existence by a miserable fourpence half-
penny. Mercenary woman, in the future lies thy punishment! He
has thee now to wear upon his bosom, and I am a smitten anemone,
pining on my lonely stem. Why didst thou win my young heart
with thy maiden wiles, only to cast it from thee for the sake of four-
pence halfpenny ? Let me pour out my tribulation, and find relief for
my agony in a recital of my woes.
She was the daughter of a Polish prince of long descent, and long,
long hair. She was his heiress, and played the piano. I loved her,
and the prince-her father-loved her, and Smith-Smith, low driver
of a dogcart, and miserable human being of sporting proclivities-
he loved her too. She listened to both our vowses, and answered us
with tears in her eyes that she loved us both; but her aged parent,
the author of her being and several political plots, was first in her
heart. Him she would consider when she married. They were
princely and Polish, but poor. Would we retire into the adjoining
room while she consulted her beloved papa ?
We retired.
The low, sporting driver of a dogcart proposed tossing as a pastime
during the anxious interval. In a moment of weakness I consented.
We tossed innocently for coppers-two out of three to win. When
the voice of the Polish angel summoned us to her presence I had
lost fourpence halfpenny.
The aged and princely parent sat patriarchily in his easy chair,
and before us, with our fate in her hands, stood Mangolia Dabbovisky,
the beautiful, the lovely, the angelic.
"My parent," she exclaimed, pointing majestically towards the
patriarch, "has decided for me. It is his wish that I should
marry whichever of you has the most money. Go home and
count."
We rushed. On the morrow we returned with the sum total of our


fortunes neatly arranged on paper, and sworn to before a com-
missioner.
He topped me-exactly the fourpence halfpenny he had won of
me. And for that I lost the only woman I ever loved-my golopshus
Mangolia Dabbovisky.

A TALE OF A QUEUE.
Miss Di is young, Miss Di is fair,
Miss Di, of course, has auburn hair ;
I say no more, as I'm aware
To paint her I must fail.
I would but stamp the reader's mind
With this: she wears her tresses twined
Converging to a knot behind,
And thereby hangs a tail.
Miss Di is wilful, nought deters
Miss Di from courses she prefers:
One day this dainty knot of hers
Caught somehow on a nail.
The nail had her queue, I had mine;
A stolen kiss is sweet as wine ;-
All further statement I decline,
Save "thereby hangs a tale."

Poor Little Bob.
THE permanent way men on the Great Western line have received
notice of a shilling reduction per week. That's hardly a permanent
way of keeping them contented, although come Saturdays they
are all likely to be bobbish."

A Natural Result.
THE tax on dogs is being enforced in consequence of a tax of
dogs.


VOL. XXVII.


55


490pp- 14


I








56 FUNO


[FEB. 6, 1878.


AN UNSELFISH SOCIgTY.

IN RE Miss STRIDE.- "The bsnkreptey,q sai# to be attributable
to the falling offf f subscriptions to Miss Stride's hep, m consequence ot the
intervention of the Charity Organisation Societ '-J -ekly Pater.

T IRS is a noble society,
known as the Charity
Organisation;
Much good we effect
among vagrants, and
People who've no-
thing whatever to
eat.
The ruleswe have framed
display wisdom, our
officers meet with

And we've banished no
I end of mendicity-
(beggars are always a
mass of deceit!)


motion,
And mind you don't
e paxt withyourmoney,
except to the Charity
Organisation
SWe're a highly respected
o community; yes, and
our notions are very
exclusive-
(Indiscriminate charity's "bosh")-and our ways and our offices
also are large;
And though starving persons have frequently called, and behaved in a
manner extremely abusive,
We keep up our dignity grandly, and give such importunate vermin
in charge.
WBe show them they've made a mistake when they' come to our
quarters to make depredation,
For we're the immaculate body entitled the Charity Organisa-
tion !
Were "down" upon rival societies, they who annoy with continual
pleading;
The soothing of poverty's sufferings we undertake (though we have
to defray
A mass of unthought-of expenses). We come across many whose cases
want weeding,"
And a thousand pounds never go far-for it costs us eight hundred to
give it away.
And yet we judiciously manage (our officers' berths are' the best in the
nation),
Still it takes a good deal, we assure you, to keep up a Charity
Organisation !
There once was a paltry adventurer-Dr. Barnardo-a stupid old
fogey;
Hie used to clothe children, and feed them, and teach them to live in
a God-fearing way.
We "marked" him, because we imagined he'd shudder at us, as a
child does at bogey "-
But we're sorry to say he eluded us, leaving us lots of expenses to
pay.
Still foolish, benevolent people support him with many a handsome
donation,
Instead of entrusting their cash to the vigilant Charity Organi-
sation !
But a victory fell to us lately-Miss Stride we attacked, and we
smashed her like winking
And she's now in the Bankruptcy Court, and at present she's paid
two-and-six in the pound!
She tried to reclaim fallen women, and laboured most earnestly; still,
to our thinking,
She'd no business to try and do good-let the wretched unfortunate
go and be-drowned !
Her subscriptions fell off pretty quickly, and now she's afflicted with
much lamentation.
Serve her right! She should leave all these matters to us of the
Charity Organisation!


We'll abolish all like institutions, and people shall all. come to vs for
assistance,
And we shall require a certificate, showing that they are respectable
folks.
We care not how children may starve, how the fallen may drag out a
sinful existence;
So send all your money to us, though all other societies wheedle and
coax.
Let all hospitals, homes, and dispensaries vanish away-let them meet
degradation,
So long as donations roll into the glorious Charity Organisation !

Parliamentary Procedure.
Fox a Parliament which boasts that it knows no personality, there
was a pretty passage-at-arms the other night between an Irish
member and a Scotch member. Mr. Power declared that the vilest
mob the world ever saw was a Glasgow mob, and he also described
the land of cakes as not so much of cakes as of whisky, snuff, and
thistles. But the good man of Waterford had reckoned without his
opponent, who retorted with stinging severity that everyone knows
a Glasgow mob consists almost entirely of Irishmen We don't know
anything as to Mr. Anderson's acquaintance with the Scotch whisky
or the thistles, but he's evidently "up to the snuff" !

Scene: The Britannia Pub.
STAFF NORTHCUT (to Mr. Countryman). Now, look here! I want
to see if you have confidence in me. Give me six millions.
MR. COUNTRYMAN-. What for?
STAFF NORTHCUT. Nothing, just to show confidence. I don't say
I shall spend it, or run away with it. I want you to put it in my
hand, and let me go round the corner with it.
MR. FUN. The old trick again! I thought that had been suf-
ficiently blown upon long ago !

A Cabinet Question.
MRs. JUGGINS can't make out why there's such a fuss about a split
in the Cabinet. She noticed a split in her cabinet once, but it was
only in the join, and a little glue put it right. Perhaps Mrs. Juggins
will not be astonished to hear that this little affair is owing to a
jawin'-the jawin' administered to Carnarvon.

Whines on Hand.
THE Government has the following stock of wines on hand:-
Porte Whine, Cape Whine, Discon-Tent, Les Situations Grares,
Mo Sell (Lord B.'s private Seller), A Xeres of Blunders, A War
Clique oh! and St. (Six) E Million (claret, to be tapped at once).
They also anticipate a speedy supply of Sack.

"Knowledge is Power."
ALL the old soldiers on furlough in Russian Poland have been
called in. "That's better," said one, "than being called out!"
And he gave such a wink as none but an old soldier is capable of.
Perhaps Russia is putting an extra value on old soldiers now she sees
the tremendous power they wield in England. Experientia docet.

Political.
THE Conservative papers denounce the resignation of the Earl of
Carnarvon as an act of cowardice, and the Liberal organs allude to it
as an act of conscience. For once, then, the two parties are agreed,
since Shakespeare says, Conscience does make cowards of us all."

A Coincidence.
COrNL-TERFEET coins generally pass into counter hands. They are
il-leg-al tenders and do much 'arm, but they .generally bring the
clever bodies who pass them to limbo.

Englishman A Rise!
THE announcement that Lord Derby had consented to remain in
office led to a rise on the Berlin Bourse office. The Germans have got
a rise out of Lord Derby, then.

The Irony of Fate.
IN these hard times it is well to know of one man whose life may
always be said to go swimmingly." And the only one we know is
Boyton.








Fan. 6, 1878.] FU N. 57


OUR LONDON LETTER.
By ouR SPECIAL (AND EXCLUSIVE) CORRESPONDENT.
Old Soldiers' Club, S.W., Feb. 4.
I MET Gladstone the other day in Pall Mall, wearing a pair of well-
worn large pattern shepherd's plaid trousers. I couldn't resist the
opportunity, but slapping him on the back, said, Well, old man,
you evidently are not unmindful of the Chancellorship of the
X-check-er!" I told the Duke of it at dinner that day, and his
Royal Highness, who has a habit of laughing with his mouth full,
nearly exploded.
The night before last the Marquis of B--- and the Duke of D--
were playing a game of Napoleon at the Club, and the former won a
cool "thou." over one hand. Ah," said the Duke, "I reckon I was
caught Napping then with a vengeance! I told 'the Duke afterwards
that he oughtn't to mind losing a thousand any night, if it afforded
him the chance of such a magnificent bon mot; andhe'then gave me his
gracious-you see the joke, I hope, his grace, his gtacious-permis-
sion to ise the pun if I thought proper.
A coalition Ministry is one of the things talked about in the highest
circles. I tried the other night at the dear Marchioness's reception n to
bring Gladdy and Beaky together, and if they could only have been
left alone for five h'inutes, there's no knowing what a chat 'and a glass
of the extra dry wouldn't have done. But Gladdy was laying down
the law about a new Greek axeidence which he thought must have
been the thing used by Homer when .they were all a-nodding, and
though I tried my level best, I couldn't get him to break off in time.
Beaky had all this time been waiting in the dear Marchioness's
boudoir, which she, like the discreet politician she is, had vacated, so
the junction might be effected. When I went in, the Premier had
nearly finished the lofg clay and cold gin which he takes during the
evening wherevw r be thy be, and which is always prepared for him
at the Castle wi- the bottle on -t.. boudoir mantelpiece. He seemed
a little bit nettl.id t having b.-a kept waiting, and I'll tell you
what, Lord Smivins," says he; "I ain't been in the habit of dancing
attendance onanyone this thirty year. Yes," mused he, thirty year
exactly by the dates-and I'm not going to begin now. And if that
old hatchet-slinger don't turn up by the time I've finished my pipe,
why, I shall bunk, that's all." Presently he knocked the ashes out of
his alderman, finished up his blue ruin-these are terms of his own,
you must know-and asked me if I'd just toddle a little bit of the way
home with him. I was awfully annoyed to think I couldn't, as I'd
promised faithfully to take the dear Marchioness down to supper min
the absence of His Royal Highness the Durke of C-nn-t. Never
mind!" said Beaky, as he slipped out by the private staircase;
" perhaps it's as well. You can tell the silly old pump what a chance
he has lost. Ta-ta And away he tripped as though there was h6o
such thing as political care in the world. I stood and meditated for a
moment on the strange uncertainty of human affairs. Five minutes'
consultation," thought I, "and the whole prospects of this great
nation would have been changed But it was not to be; and as I
afterwards said to Gladdy, who sat on my right hand at supper,'
"Tide and time wait for no man." He seemed struck with the
applicability of the remark, and made an entry of it in his common-
place book. Look out for it in one of his speeches, where he is sure
to use it, and remember the original maker of the clever epigram,
your humble servant.
There was a curious scene in the House the other night. It hap-
pened after the ordinary press fellows had shut up shop and gone
home, and so no one has been able to get it into print. One of the
Irish Obstructives has an objectionable habit of drinking whisky out
of a bottle during the progress of a debate, and as he takes a very
long draught at a time, and is sure to select a moment when some im-
portant speaker is naiking a no less important point, the sound of the
gurgling is extremely unpleasant. Sir Blank Blinkers, who has once
or twice been particularly annoyed in this way, determined to have
his revenge. So he tied a piece of whip-cord to the neck of the black
bottle as it was sticking from the Obstructive's pocket, and waited.
Presently, just in the middle of the magnificent Ministerial statement,
out came the bottle, and the gurgling 'began as usual. Sir Blank
Blinkers, who is a most daring man, calmly watched for the exact
second, and then twitched the string smartly. The result was elec-
trical, and the House was for a moment flabbergasted, if'I may use the
expression. The bottle, which was one of the ordinary kind, with
Kinahan's label on it, ahd all but full, was just tilted sidficiently, and
before the astonished Hibernian could recover himself 'the whole of the
fluid was discharged full in his face. With a wild Irish exclamation
of pain and rage, the Obstructive dashed up and ian to the middle of
the floor of the House, Wh6re, setting up another Wimthrue, he was
joined by his congeners, who wondered what on 'earth was the matter.
Everything was confusion, and the implications on the horrid Saxon
who had perpetrated the foul 'deed were not only loud and deep but
extremely violent. At last the Speaker otde-rcd a fresh bottle of L.L.
to be given to every Home Rule Member, and by this means some-
thing like peace was restored.


The greatest part of the fun is that Sir Blank Blinkers is himself
half Irish on the mother's side, the former Sir Blank Blinkers, as of
course all my readers are aware, having married a daughter of the
Macdermotipplers of Clanmacfadderawhiskeytoshmadtiddleywink-
mahooley, the only 'ieasldscendants now alive of the rale would ancient
line of kings. But Sir'Blankis thoroughly English in all his habits,
and is a regular sjeciLdn' of hat a gentleman and M.P. should be, as
my story sh6ws. _____

SETTLING TRE DIFFICULTY.
BY Oun LuNA't LAuIREATE.
TaE Lunatic lately was filled with dismay
'When he heard that the 'chances of peace
-le an ice in the sun were fast melting away,
And that England grew Tro*dy as Greece.
".Let me see," said'the Lutie, drawing his grog,
Susut to strenghlitheIn his nerves for the lark,
If I can't find a means 6f 4dipelling the fog,
And of raising diplomacy's mark.
"The question is simple we have to decide,
Though our statesmen have tied it in knots,
And made it a kind of political slide,
And have buttered it well 'iith their plots.
Let a man with an atom of '.'bto in his nut
Just proceed to the scene of the fight,
And compelling both armies to enter his hut,
Their attention a moment invite."
The Lunatic having proceeded so far
With the theories gnawing his soul,
Determined at once to appear as a star
By assuming the Peacemaker's rule ;
So he started at once in a train for the East,
And arriving in less than a week,
He invited the armies to join in a feast,
And then mounted the table to speak..
Said the Lunatic, "Russians, and Cossacks, and Turks,
Also Servians and Bashi-Bazouks,
I regret in your bosoms this war spirit lurks,
As I see that it does by your looks.
Let me show you, while pausing awhile in the fray,
How absurd are the people who fight,
And I hope, though you murder each other to-day,
You will kiss and befriends ere the night."
Then that Lunatic spoke to those bloodthirsty troops
Of the roses atd raptures of peace,
Till they broke themselves up into armistice groups,
And declared that the struggle should cease;
Which observing, that Lunatic carolled with glee,
And engaging the fleet, took the lot
From the scene of the war straight away o'er the sea,
To a tight little insular spot.
And the armies of Russia and Turkey as well
Now are seeing the sights of the town,
And the passion in which the great Gortshakoff fell
Was as'nothing to Beaconsfield's frown.
But to fight without armies the Czar being loth,
And the Sultan not seeing the fun,
They decided that peace would be best for them both,
And the song of the Lunatic's done.

By a Paragraphist.
PAR writing is, par excellence, par-t and par-cel of a journalist's
qualification. Always judge him by his "par" excellence. If he
can't write a par," don't parss his work, but send him home to his
mar and his par. A par" here and there is the editor's par-adise.
The French translate here and there, as par ici et par la. That shows
what they think about it d Par-is. But you must not translate a
"blue par as par bleu."-OLD PARR.

Reade-y Wit.
IN a letter to the Dramatic Reform Association, IMr. Charles Reado
gives some very original ideas for the reformation of the stage. He
says, That bloodsucker, the stage carpenter, should be chained hand
and foot." Of course, if Mr. Reade says so, it must be right; and
yet how would it be possible for the stage carpenter to do his work
"chained hand and foot" We fear his workmanship would be of
the ram-slmackle order.








[FEB. 6, 1878.


PETS OR PESTS?


-> c->



K'~-~~
~. -


A M A


1**

t%
I?


1. Is an amiable lady, who, putting down
her newspaper in horror, dilates upon
the scandalousness of allowing so many
dogs to run about the streets and annoy
everybody.
2. Represents three of the amiable
lady's pet cats doing a chorus outside
a next door window (invalid within).
3. Is a sketch of the route taken next-
door-but-one by another of her pets,
with notes by the way :-(A.) Dusthole,
newly painted black. (B.) Steps (just
whitened). (C.) Conservatory, newly
painted white. (D.) Side of house,
newly painted stone colour.
4. Shows another of her pets with booty
from next-door-but-two.
5. Gives another of her pets maturing a
scheme next-door-but-three.
While 6 sets forth yet another pet
throwing up earthworks in a neat
flower-bed at next-door-but-four.


4. ,
,__,


Y71





I


F-'U NT.-FEBRUARY 6, 1878.


GREAT SENSATIONAL PERFORMANCE.
Bounding Benjamin, the Lion Contortionist, bringing down the House.


i







Fm. 6, 1878.) I1TJN 61


MY MEDICINES.
WHEN overwork has blurred my brain, 11
And all things with me disagree,
When my poor heads racked with pain,-
"A cup of tea."
When twixtt the breakfd and the noon I' ,..i
An inward something seems to fail,
And comes the "I got up too soon,"-
"A mug of ale."
When spirits sink and woes oppress,,
When thoughts are all unfit for d" biz,"
When life seems quite an awful.me s,-
"A pint of fizz."
When late at the night, the labour done,
We sit around the glowing log,
To warm the heart and hela the fun,-
S" A glass o grog."
When grog, and fizz, and ale,.and tea
To ease our woes in vain are quafit,
Then let your friend in sick qbe
"A rhubarb, dught."

Bully Boys!
SOME of our leading journals very pro-
perly object .to the young King and Queen
of Spain inangut.,in their union by
attending, a Bull Fight. But the strangest
part of i all is these very journals have
been recently the most assiduous in their a
attempts to make a Bull fight.

Prelate andd Balate. HARD LABOUR.
THE Bishop of Exeter has been making Parish Zady :-" WE CANNOT GIVE HELP UNLESS WVE KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU. WHERE
some excellent remarks on cooking at a DO YOU LIVE?" Girl:-" AT HOME, MEM."
meeting recently held at Exeter. But P. 1. :-" WHAT'S YOUR FATHER ?" Girl:-" A WORKING MAN, MEM."
surely the present eaters have more interest P. L.:-" WHERE DOES HE WORK ?
in good cooking than any Ex-eter. Girl:-" HE DON'T DO NO work, MEM; PLEASE, HE' S ON STRIKE !


A DRAMA OF THE DAY. JoHN. Yes, it is, because, if in the innocence of your heart you
dropped it into the pillar box, they'd have charged 8d. for it at the
SCENE I.--A 2est Ofiee. other end.
GENTLEMAN. Oh, please I want to buy a registered envelope. How GENTLEMAN. Still, it's nice and cheap, 2dd.; and the registration,
much? se d the envelope and the sovereign make it overweight, that's d. more,
OPPIe0,A. If you refer to the Guide on the table you will see. We that's 4d., and, let me see, its five minutes to five, and they don't
are not allowed to give information. (Gentleman refers to Guide. Reads register after five; you'd better take a hansom to the post-office, that's
it through-196 pages. At last discovers that the price of the envelope Is. Well, it will only cost Is. 4d. to send a sovereign.
is m N. I find it is 2d)d. Here is ScENE 111.-A Suburban -Post-qfce and Confectioner's Shop. TIME:
regiTLErdnAl. I find it is 2,d. Here is 22d., please give me a Three minutes to 5.
registered envelope.
Orricia. Would you like it strong 3d., extra strong 4d., extra JOHN. Now then, miss, I want to get this letter registered; it's
strong double flap 5d., or extra strong, double-flapped, cream-laid, and three minutes to the time.
scented 6d.? YOUNG LADY. I can't do a dozen things at once. How many
GENTLEMAN. NO. 21d.-a two-penny-halfpenny one. Here is sponge cakes did you say, miss ? Thank you.
the money. YOUNG GENTLEMAN. A bottle of gingerbeer please, miss.
OFFICIAL. That is a threepenny bit, we are not allowed to give YoUNGo LADY (opens the bottle). There you are, sir.
change. JOHN. Now, miss, it's two minutes to five. (Rush of six people.)
GENTLEMAN. I have no coppers. Keep the change. Six PEOPLE (all together). Penny stamp, please.
OFnciAL.-Certainly, sir. Your envelope. Thanks. YOUNG LADY (flurried). Here you are.
FIRST PEOPLE. This ain't a stamp, it's a jumble.
SCENE 11.-A Library. SECOND PEOPLE. Here, this ain't a stamp, it's a bath bun.
SAME GENTLEMAN. Now I have written the letter, and I can en- YOUNG LADY. Oh, I thought you asked for a bath bun.
close my dear boy a sovereign with perfect safety, thanks to the new JOHN. Now, miss, I shall lose this post. (YOUNG LADY takes the
registered envelope. (Encloses sovereign and seals letter.) Let me see, letter.)
I suppose I can now put it in the pillar box. (To eldest son.) John, CUSTOMER. A glass of cherry brandy-quick, please ?
these new registered envelopes carry through, I suppose? Do you YOUNG LADY. Yes, ma'am. (Serves cherry brandy.)
know ? JOHN. Here, I say, what are you doing ? You're tying the ladle
JOHN. Oh, have you gone in for one of those things. They're up with green tape, and you've dropped my letter into the cherry
frauds, brandy. (Clock strikes five.)
GENTLEMAN. HOW d'ye mean, frauds ? YOUNG LADY (pulling out letter and drying it). You are too late to
JOHN. What's the use of them? You've paid 21d. for the en- register this here now, but on payment of an extra fee of fourpence
velope, and now you've got to put the regular postage on, and then you can register it at the Metropolitan Chief Offices up to six.
you've got to take an omnibus and go to the post-office, and hand it JOHN. Thank you! Am I to go from Peckham to St. Martins-le-
in, and take a receipt, and sign your name, and leave your address and Grand because you are not competent to attend to your duties ?
the certificate of your birth. YOUNG LADY. 'Tain't my fault; I've got so much to do, serving
GENTLEMAN. But it doesn't say so on this envelope. It says in the shop, and nursing the baby, and attending to the post-office,
" Registered" on it, and nothing else. Oh ah, yes, here it is, small, I get flurried, like.
all up in the corner. "This must be handed to an officer of the post- JOHN. I fancy you do. Good evening. (Exit with letter in search
office for Registration." How lucky I saw it. of further adventures.)







a. FUN.


[FEB. 6, 1878.


A HOPELESS CASE.
Doctor :-" I TELL YOU iHAT IT IS, MRS. JINK I CAN DO NOTHING FOR THAT HUSBAND OF YOURS TILL HE SIGNS THE PLEDGE! "
AKr. I. :-" LoR, SIR! 'E DONE THAT A FORTNIGHT AGO, SIR, AN' 'E'S BIN WUS NOR EVER SINCE !


THE XAN WHO WAS LUCKY IN LAW.
JOHN JONES was the luckiest fellow out in law. He won all his
cases, and everybody said it was quite wonderful. They envied
him.
One week he had six cases on, one for every day, all for breaches of
contract against the big manufacturers who had tried to shuffle out of
a contract with him, because he was only a small tradesman, and
they found he'd got the best of them. They agreed, all six of them,
to let Jones fight the question with each of them separately, because
they felt very wild that a small tradesman should have got the best
of them. -And when they said, "Let him bring an action against
each of us," they laughed and put their fingers to their noses sar-
castically.
But John Jones was a British lion, and he wasn't going to be brow-
beaten byhalf-a-dozen manufacturers, though he was onlyin a small way
of business, so he instructed his solictor to bring actions against each,
and go for damages. And he won the lot.
The defendants put their fingers to their noses sarcastically, and
appealed.
John Jones won again.
Then the defendants came and made faces at him outside his shop
window, and put their fingers to their noses in the sarcasticallyest
manner possible, and carried the case to a still superior Court.
John Jones won again, and the defendants were cast in damages
and costs. The damages were 30 each, so that the lucky J. J.
sat down to tea that evening with a load off his mind and 180 richer,
and he said, Hurrah; and put salt in his tea and stirred it up with
a bunch of watercresses, and then he took the old lady to the play,
and got confused, and had a goose and apple sauce and champagne for
supper when they came back.
And the next day he gave his shopman a holiday, and shut up the
shop for the day, and took his missus to Hampton Court. And when
they were admiring the scenery, who should Jones see smoking a cigar
but his solicitor, who'd conducted all the actions for him.
Well, Mr. Succombe," he said, we've done it, ain't we ? And
they've got to pay all the costs. Hurrah "


"Yes," said Mr. Succombe, "of course-exactly-all the costs-
except the costs between attorney and client."
Oh, don't they pay them F said Jones, a little crestfallen.
"No, never."
"Ah, but they ain't much, are they?" stammered the redoubtable
suit-winner, trying to smile.
"Well, no," said the solicitor, "they're not much, considering
we've carried six actions for you through three Courts. I think
they're very small. About 400, I should say.
But," groaned the unhappy Jones, but look here, sir, I've only
got 180 damages out of the lot."
I can't help what you've got," said the gorgeous solicitor (he was
a great swell was Succombe), you'll have to pay us." Then he re-
lighted his cigar, which had gone out, and strolled away.
Look here, missus," said Jones, wiping a tear away with the back
of his hand, we'd better go back ; we're ruined through winning all
our actions and getting damages."
Heavy-hearted and silent the crestfallen merrymakers left happy
Hampton and made for the shop.
",Good evening, Jones," said the neighbours, as they saw him
letting himself in at the front door. "Lucky dog! Won all your
cases. Can you lend us a tenner ?"
Jones's answer sounded very like a bad word.

Early next morning Jones went off and told his solicitor it was quite
impossible he could pay such an amount. All his money was in a
small business, and his whole capital was less than what was claimed.
The solicitor was very sorry, and bowed him out, and when he got
back he found a writ waiting for him. And when the time was up
and he couldn't pay, the six defendants came disguised as brokers'
men and carried off every stick in the place.
And Jones's heart broke fast, but just before it broke altogether,
the defendants (disguised as the brokers' men) danced a cancan round
him, and put their fingers sarcasticallyerer than ever to their noses
and shouted, "Yah, who won all his law suits ? Oh my "
And when the neighbours heard of John Jones's miserable end they
all lifted up their eyes with horror and said, Oh, Law "


.1


62 FUN.








FEB. 6, 1878.] F TU 63


9S0E INCIDENTS
QO THE.NgpHqFFOLIqOWING THE INQUIRY ABOUT THE HOUSES AT
HACKNEY.
INCIDENT No. I.-11 p.m. A SPECULATIVE BUILDER (any specula-
tihe builder will answer the purpose) discovered reading the paper; as
hereads. he fidgets nervously and bites his nails; at length he flings the
papf.from him.
U WILDER. I can't
..P read any more-
k T I "Condemned to
take his trial for
manslaughter ." I
5,\ X Oh, it's too, too
1 A appalling! Who can
--" tell what might hap-
pen to himself, next?
Good gracious, I'm,
Getting in.a cold per-
spiration. Fancy if
C1q Uthat row of houses
I've just finished and
let- Oh, there,
I won't.. think about
Itii. it; we must all hope

S.-- was that ? A shout ?
-=-c It was a shout. I
know it's somebody
comingto tellme that
SI' those houses --
(He listens trembling-
ly-nobody: comes-he
grows more. reas ured
and gees up to bed; but he can't sleep,
and tosses about restlessly, ever and anon
starting up and listening). There!-
there !-there is a knock at the street-
S door. I won't be taken alive I won't,
answer; I'll peep out of the window and-
see who it-by Jingo, I knew it-it is a policeman. I say, look here,
I'll sell my life dearly, d'ye hear ? You shan't take me alive !
POLICEMAN. I don't want to take yer alive, but your lqwer window
isn't fastened, that's all.
BUILDER. Oh! Here, I say, I'll give you a sovereign if you'll
stand by the door and prevent anybody knocking to tell me about
anything ; and, I say, tell 'em there isn't any builder of any kind living
here or anywhere in the neighbourhood, will you? (He shuts the
ivindow and sinks on the bed again; he tosses about more than ever. At
length a slight crash is heard; it is only a. slate from the roof, but he can
stand it no longer. Hastily throwing some necessaries into a carpet bag,
he sneaks out of the back door and takes the next train for the Continent.)

INCIDENT No. II.-MR. and MRS. QT-IATT KUPPLE, residents in s
new neighbourhood, discovered.
Ma: Q. K'. There, my dear, there's another horrible crash It's
nearer this time. I should think it must be that house that Mudd -
worls, the builder, has just put up.
MRs. Q. K. Oh, dear! It has shaken the china vase off the hall
table and broken a cupboard-full of glasses! What are we to do ?
Oh There's a crash!
Ma. Q. K. Ah, I should think that must be Scamper's block of
houses at the-back. Some of them are occupied, so I'll just run down
the garden and see if I can render any assistance. (He gtes and returns.)
Yes, it was Skamper's block, but as I heard nobody groaning I suppose
they're all buried too deep to be got at. Hullo That's a good one.
It's shaken down our dining-room ceiling and a stack of chimneys.
It must be Adamant Terrace come down.
Mns. Q. K. There's another-quite close by I
MR. Q. K. -Oh, yes, that's Rock Villa, next door but one. It has
shaken down all our gaseliers and pier-glasses. I'm glad I built this
house myself. Let's go to bed.

INCIDENT No. III.-In a New House. MfR. and MaRS. NuGH
TENNENTS discovered.
Mas. N. T. George, I wish you would step out and ask the police-
man not to tread so heavily as he comes by, I know he'll have our
front wall down before long. Last time he came by the scullery
fell in.
MR. N. T. He says he'll step more lightly in future. Now there's
that confounded housemaid going up to bed like an elephant; if she
doesn't have the staircase down before long I'll- There!! I
told you so.


MaRS. N. T. Oh, George, now there's a cat walkin- on .the roof--I
can feel the house sway-there-oh, it's heaving. LUt's run out; bq,
quick. Oh, my! just in time, and there's poor dear c.:.k right at the.
bottom of the ruins, and that aggravating cat at the top washig, its,
face !

INCIDENT No. IV.-The DISTRICT SURVEYOR discovered lookingff:ot
of his bedroom window.
D. S. Well, what is it this time ?
VOICE (below). Oh, if you please, it's all them new h,..,,,s in Para-
dise Row tumbled down.
D. S. Oh, very well, all right. Now I'll turn in and get a.good,,
sleep. Hullo, another knock Well ?
VOICE (below). Oh, I thought I'd just tell you in passing that,
those houses you looked over yesterday in Gingerbread Place have.
come down with a run.
D. S. Oh, very well. Now to sleep. Good heavens, another.,
knock Well, what's the matter now ?
, VOICE (below). Ricketty Crescent's been and given way, and buried,
everybody, so I thought I'd run round and tell --.
D. S. Oh-all right-do go away. It's no good. I shan't go to,
bed till the whole neighbourhood's down; but that won't be long, andi4
then I can get a comfortable sleep.


DEPENDENT !
I THINK it occurred in September-
At any rate, darling, you'll know if I'm wrong; .
And, if I correctly remember,
The weather was fair and the birds were in song,-
When I ventured to make a ciofession
That I loved you and vowed I would ever be true;
I surrendered my heart at discretion,
And ever since then I've depended on you!
For you hold such an influence o'-er me,
Wee, true-hearted. maiden, eo gentle and bright;
Your image is ever before me,
And I'm certain your love, dear, will guide me aright.
There is something within that compels me
To link in your name with whatever I do,-
In my heart there's a feeling that tells me
S.My fate is entirely dependent on you !
Yeou love .me, I know i that supports me
When things seem to go in a contrary way,
-Then Hope comes and kindly escorts' me
To her region that's radiant ever with day.
And I see your sweet smile in the distance,
Then the clouds roll away, and the sky appears blue,
And it brightens my very existence
To know for that bliss I'm dependent on you !
Oh, darling, continue to love me!
That love is worth more than a fortune to me,-
Like a pole-star it stands right abov6 me,
To help me to steer through Adversity's sea !
And when we shall come to be married,
Should our troubles together bb many or fqw,
By your aid they'll have to be carried,-- !
Remember, I. still shall depend upon 'you







FUN.


[FEB. 6, 1878.


WEATHER OR NOT.
Mr. Tremmles:-" I ASSURE YOU, MRS. JoNES, I WOULD NEVER GO OUT AT ALL IP I COULD HELP IT IN THIS DREADFUL CLTMATE--QN-
DAY COLD, THE NEXT HOT. WHAT MISERABLY WRETCHED WEATHER WE HAVE !"
Mrs. J. -''WE DO, INDEED, MR. TREMMLES; BUT TRY AND BEAR UP, IT'S BETTER THAN NONE, YOU KNOWW"


A Guelphic Oracle.
THE Duke of Connaught has been installed, with full masonic
honours, Great Prior.of Ireland.. After all, the Irish are an extremely
loyal lot, and their rebellious utterances are only given off at the times
when they feel themselves much neglected. Now they have got a
prince of the blood all to themselves, there Connaught be a question
as to their evident intention, as a nation, of giving him not only good
precedence, but Great Priority.

Ne Plus Sultry.
IT is stated, upon the authority of Mr. James Glaisher, F.R.S., that
Our climate is becoming warmer every year. This accounts for the
rising generation being such uncommonly "warm members."

Sec. transit.
MR. MONTAGUE CORRY, the indefatigable secretary of the Lord
Beaconsfield, has ruined his health in the service of the Mystery
Man, and is ordered to the South of France. His friends hope
sincerely that his malady is not inCorrygible.


Naturally Vicious.
IN the Chilian penal colony of Punta Arenas, Patagonia, the con-
victs broke out a short time back and fired into the British Consulate
with a 12-pounder gun. The Vice-Consul had to put out to sea in a
small boat, and was eventually picked up by a passing steamer. The
convicts, were, singularly enough, unable to explain their motive.
Why, it would have been the easiest thing in the world, as well as the
most natural for them to have said they were anxious to obtain a little
Vice-Consulation.
Rash Conclusions.
THAT a bishop is a fellow de See.
That a Premier is necessarily a "prime" Minister: he may be the
reverse.
That Lord Emly is the Little Em'ly grown up, who had her "i"
knocked out by Dickens.

NOTICE.-ON WEDNESDAY NEXT,
THE VALENTINE DOUBLE NUMBER OF FMJS,
PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.


CHADWICK'S 4 CADBURY'S
BRIE TA T IIiCI

SEWING AOS. COCOA ESSENCE '
TONS DRAPER FOR
AND TAKE NOUR3LUEU R IN 1
e7 DD & COT., Ohe Si Wrk, OTHill, tRm' mona. an Pe Uish (o the PitprietorsM at 8 Feet S .-L o, Fbr
pvlvted by JTUDD & CO., Phoami Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctere' Commons. and Published (for the Pzoprieton) at 168, Fleet Street, B.O.-London, February 8, 1879.


64







FEB. 13, 1878.] F U N 65

ON THE ART OF VERSE-WRITING. Having now, by the aid of three tricks, completed your poem, it only
HE A T OF VERSE-WRITIremains to forward it to a magazine for publication. Enclose it to
VALENTINE Va ERSE. the editor, with a note saying you've just knocked it off," and the
IT is the greatest mistake in the world to imagine that to write verse price is five guineas. If you don't find it in the next issue, call at the
any special knowledge or gift is necessary. The great success of some editor's private house, and use a little gentle force. It is entirely
of our modern poets is due to "trick." There are many tricks owing to their persistent calling at editors' private houses that
required in poetry, and we now purpose to put the reader up to one or Swinburne and Tennyson obtained publicity for their works.
two of them.
TRICK 1.-MEASURE.
All that is required is a six-foot rule. When you have written as POSTAL ADVENTURES ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
much as you want to say about anything, measure off into lines of n _7
pretty equal length, and commence each line with a capital letter.
For example, say you want to write a valentine to your sweetheart.
Commence by putting your thoughts into ordinary prose, thus:- I V |
"My sweetheart is the prettiest girl that ever you saw. I don't envy Il
a marquis or a duke while she is mine. Her eyes are like the skies '.
overhead, and her cheeks are beautifully red. She really is a girl to -
worship, and I wish we were married Now take your rule, M- 1
and measure it off into alternate lines, long and short, and begin fresh
lines with capitals:-
MY SWEETHEART.
My sweetheart is the prettiest girl
That ever you saw;
I don't envy a marquis or a duke
While she is mine.
Her eyes are like the skies overhead,
Her cheeks are like the pink;
She really is a girl to adore,
And I wish we were married. __ /
This isn't quite poetry yet, but you must go in for Trick No. 2, and 1 a
it will be.
TRIcx No. 2.-RHYME.
All that is necessary for this is a rhyming dictionary and a book of Getting a stamp!
synonyms. "I My sweetheart is the prettiest girl" I, I
The next line is not elegant, so alter a little, thus:- c e ,
That ever you did see;"
Now take your dictionary, and look out words to rhyme with girl"
and see." Let us say, '' earl and me." To bring these in we J
slightly alter the next lines-
"I envy not a duke or earl
While she belongs to me."
We now proceed to the next verse. The first line we must alter, as
"overhead" doesn't rhyme nicely. Let us say-
"Her eyes are like the skies above," _--
And with a view of making wed the last word of the last line-
because we find in our dictionary that "wed" is synonymous with ------
"married," which is a bad word to finish with-we say- _
"Her cheeks are white and red; ,
She really is a girl to love; -
I wish that we were wed."
Having gone so far, we have produced Measure and Rhyme; we now alo
may wish to impart a little extra elegance, and this is done by having

This requires a little practice, but is simple enough in itself.h t.
Saturate your mind with good poetry-Shakespeare, Byron, Tennyson, Running t catch the post.
Swinburne, and the Fan bards. Many of their ideas and expressions I
will gather round your brain, but, shifting about like the coloured -
glass in a kaleidoscope, will be reflected in your work as an entirely
original design. Presuming you have had a good soak of the bards
named, you will pick up your poem again, and drop little elegancies
and turns of expression into it. Thus you will reflect, "IMy Sweet-
heart" may as well have a poetical name: something that sounds
classical. Now commence-
My Phillis is the sweetest maid
(Girt 's too co mnion) ') 2
That e'er mine eyes did see;
(More classical, ain't it?)
I envy not or knight or earl
(Dosble or" gives a quaint turn)
When Phillis smiles on me.
(Less like a comic song than the other)
Her lips are like twin stars above, -
(" Twin stars" is ice and poetical)
Her cheeks are rosy red;
(" Rosy red "-two r's- this is a triumtn ph!)
No other maiden can I love;
I'll die-or Phillis wed !"
Always get in something about dying of love; it's the sort of thing
that sounds well, and isn't vulgar, because it's never practised. Receiving an ugly one.

VOL. XXVII.








66 F U N EFEB. 18, 1878.


NEW LEAVES.
By Celia's Arbouer (Sampson Low and Co.) is still another novel by
the authors of Ready Money Mortiboey, who seem to be turning to
the best account their streak of luck while it lasts. Making hay while
the sun shines is not only allowable, but laudable, but unfortunately
sometimes it is a performance which materially affects the quality of
the work turned out. By Celia's Arbour will hold its own when com-
pared with the bulk of the novels of nowadays; but it would not have
obtained their present reputation for Messrs. Besant and Rice. Far from
it. The story is itself
pretty and pleasant
enough, but all there
really is of that could
have been conveni-
ently got into one of
the three volumes,
which contain an
amount of padding
which is none the
less padding because
it is at times political.
This vamping style,
though a fast growing
evil, is not so much
the fault of authors
as of publishers, who,
lacking the discrimi-
nation and ability to
select new writers,
are ready to accept
anything which may
be offered by men
"who have made a
name." We regret
this the more in the
present instance, as
a novel as good as
Ready Mioney Mortiboy
would just now be
a positive benefaction;
and there is no doubt
the men who produced
that could produce
equally good work
under equally good
circumstances for their
art.

third volume of tDesig
and Work (Purkess),
just out, will at once
show why that pub-
lication -has achieved
an amount of popu-
larity seldom accorded
to young ventures.
The design of the
editor is shown in
his work: and hence
the applicability of
the title.
Cheer or Kill is the
peculiar title of a
three-volume novel of QUITE
the kind peculiar to
the Charing Cross Shopman:-" IF YOU WILL STEP INTO
Publishing Company, YOU SOME WONDERFUL OLD JARS RECENTLY I
who are fast becoming Lady:-" WHAT! THAT HORRID OLD IT
specialists. We will THING THAT CAME FROM THE PLACE; IT IS S
leave it to those who
pay their money to
take choice of which is the more appropriate word in the title.
From the same publishers we receive IKilda Hall, which has the
advantage of being in one volume. The most striking peculiarity in
this production is a list of orders previous to publication," of which
the authoress seems both proud and thankful. We can understand
her reasons for the latter feeling.
The Amateur's Kitchen Garden (Groombridge) is a work which
should give pleasure to those who have feelings neither for kitchen
gardens nor for amateurs, a conjunction which shows it is not im-
possible for talent to bring the most incongruous elements into close
and harmonious connection. Mr. Shirley Hibberd is one of those grace-
ful writers who can at once charm the learned and interest the ignorant;
and no reader will fail to find instruction and amusement in his book.


Messrs. Marcus Ward and Co. send us a specimen of their Valentine
ware which is likely to be much admired.
If there were no other reason why Valentine's Day should be
observed by everybody, not to mention the rest of the world, it would
be provided by 3I. Eugene Rimmel, whose fresh designs for the 14th
must be seen to be properly admired.
Impervious.
AccoRmNo to a statist, the public-house frontages in Liverpool
reach eighteen miles in length." Our own toper says he doesn't know
what good can come
of this statement,
unless it be to make
a man dissatisfied that
the houses are not
together, so that they
could be all taken in
during an afternoon's
crawl; or that there
are not twice as many
of them, with twice
as much liquor for
the money in each.
(Evidently the value
of statistics, as well
as the terrible lesson
they teach, is lost on
this young man.)

Topographical
Geography.
THE private secre-
tary of the Lord
Mayor, Mr. Soulsby,
has just been elected
a fellow of the Royal
Geographical Society.
The City Press, which
publishes this infor-
mation, does not add,
as it should, that Mr.
Soulsby's election was
based on the grounds
that he is a fellow, you
know, that "knows
his way about." And
so he is.

Pearls of Thought.
A GREAT deal of
good ink is occasion-
ally wasted in an en-
deavour to show that
journalists are a de-
moralised lot, quite
unfitted for the high
functions they exer-
cise. Bah! Whocould
wonder if pressmen
were even much worse
than they are when the
very swine in our styes
CRACKED." are pronounced to be
THE NEXT ROOMS I SHALL BE ABLE TO sHow literary.
UG UP AT POMlPEII."
ALIAN TOWN ? WHY, I COULDN'T BEAR ANY- The Wrng Box.
O FEARFULLY OUT OF REPAIR." AIR. FRY, one of
the Hatcham church-
wardens, has applied
for a faculty to remove the confessional box. None of the congregation
could have had their faculties, or it wouldn't have been there.

Another Union.
THE Czar is reported to have said that he hopes England and Russia
will become friends again by a fair compromise. The Duchess Marie
who Maried our Duke was the last "fair compromise." Let us hope
there'll be no royal fiddling over this second attempt.

Past and Present.
THE Duke of Abercorn is to be the bearer of the Garter to King
Humbert. Italy will not 'Ab'ercorns trodden on this time.


D

(








FmT. 13, 1878.]


FUiN.


VALENTINE FANCIES.


1. Va'entine and Horsey-'un.
2. The young man who w) ites the m.
3. The young woman who rece yes them.
4. The spinster's valentine,
5. The bachelor's ditto.


6. Study of a doorway where lives a very pretty young lad
7. Street sketches on the 14th.
8. A young lady in her (valen)teens.
9. The festive envelope.
10. Valentines for the million.


67









68 FUN.


[FEB. 13, 1878.


RAPID CONVERSION.
A STORY FOR A VALENTINE NUMBER.
"FoR my own part," said Mr. Jabez Blenkinsopp, "I think
Valentine's Day one of the blessings of the year."
"Dear me, now! remarked Mr. Thomas Short; do you iP
look upon it as quite a nuisance."
Mr. Blenkinsopp merely snorted at this, and declined to hold any
more commune on the subject. So he folded his Times more conve-
niently for reading, and when the train arrived in town, hardly so
much as vouchsafed Good morning to Mr. Short.
While as for Mr. Short, he seemed in a huff, too. Who's he,"
said Tommy, "that he should wish to have everybody of the same
opinion as himself ? Like his confounded cheek, I must say."
Now, I dare believe anyone will think some question of vital
importance had disturbed the relations of these two gentlemen.
Usually, they were on the friendliest possible terms, and it seemed
as if the matter must be weighty, indeed, which would cause them to
assume attitudes of antagonism as on this eventful morning.
But, alas for the prescience of humanity, the pair had quarrelled
over nothing more important than the benefit to the community, or
the reverse, derivable from valentines. The friendship of Short and
Blenkinsopp had passed unsullied, undisturbed even, through the
stormy political changes of the time. When father and son, husband
and wife, the closest of kin and the dearest of kith, were quarrelling
over the British interests business, Jabez Blenkinsopp and Thomas
Short stood firmly by each other. What one said at any time, the
other solemnly swore to; and though they changed their opinions
often, they always did so in concert. Between them they had demo-
lished half the politicians at the local club-who were never prepared
for the way in which the pair would shift their ground -while the
other half had been equally settled in the train on the way down to
town or returning homeward. At last, Mr. Jabez Blenkinsopp and
Mr. Thomas Short were always allowed a compartment to themselves;
and new-
And now, after conquering all before them in the field of political
disquisition, they had at last come to grief over no bigger a question
than that of valentines.
Like his confounded cheek, I must say," repeated Tommy, as he
saw his friend striding off Citywards ; "who's he that everybody
should be of his opinion ? I hate valentines, and think they're an
awful waste of money."
Just at that moment he happened to be passing a shop where all
sorts and sizes of valentines were being exposed, and as if to show
that precept and practice are ever antagonistic to each other, Tommy,
after a moment's deliberation, entered, and purchased- Ah! I'm not
going to tell what it was; I only know that he chuckled as he came
out, and Likes valentines, doeshe !" said he ; I'lllet him know !"
and then he chuckled more than ever.
Jabez Blenkinsopp was a most conscientious man, and no matter
how distasteful it might be to him, he always did what he considered
to be the exactly correct and truthful thing. So, as one of the
supporters of the valentine doctrine, he engaged himself during the
day in making up sundry pretty packets, and I am sure that if the
postman had been allowed to tell me, he would have said "Yes"
when I asked him if one of the prettiest of them was not addressed
"Thomas Short, Esq." But that was not all. Jabez Blenkinsopp
had a faculty for imitating handwriting; and if I had not known
this as all story-tellers must know everything-I would have sworn
the direction was in the hand of a certain pretty young lady, of whom
it was known Tommy was enamoured, but who had as yet made no
sign.
I have said Jabez Blenkinsopp was a conscientious man, and it was
part of his conscientiousness thus to make recipients of his pretty
valentines believe they came from others than himself. Otherwise,"
as he very pertinently put it, what would be the good of sending
valentines at all ? "
He seemed very well satisfied with the extremely pretty one he had
selected for Tommy. It contained an emblem of devoted love and an
invitation to speak out; and "Don't like valentines, don't he !" Jabez
exclaimed in turn; "I'll let him know !" Then he chuckled at
least as much as Mr. Thomas Short had done.
And so the day wore on while each of these good friends was being
employed for the benefit of the other. The sun went down, and night
once again threw her dark mantle over town and country; in due
course morning dawned, and the postman of whom I have already
spoken went his rounds.
And by and by the two companions met each other as usual on the
railway platform.
For a time neither of them spoke, and they seemed inclined to
avoid each other. Tommy looked, though, most intensely happy.
At last Jabez Blenkinsopp strode up to him, and said:
S"Tommy, allow me to admit my error! I have given up valen-
tines. I have had reason to alter my opinion. I "


"Oh, yes," said Tommy, "I know; you're a jolly old humbug.
You don't like them because and then he said no more. "But
I've altered my opinion, too. I like valentines; I do, indeed !"
"Yes," broke in Jabez, you like them now because-- and then
he said no more, but laughed sardonically. And I fancy Tommy saw
the condition of affairs at a glance.
They got into separate carriages, and spoke disrespectfully of each
other to the passengers all the way to town, and shouted defiance on
the arrival platform.
t And over since each has consistently opposed the other's views in
politics-as soon as ever it was discoverable what they were.


MY VALENTINE.
Y Valentine My Valentine !
Let sweet and rosy looks en-
twine,
And cluster round her heart with
merry jest and song;
With joyous voice and laugh-
ing eye,-
V With lightsome step that seems
to fly
O'er daisy dappled meadows, lead-
ing me along

( yThrough grassy field and garden
a gay,
Where we may sing and dance
and play,
And leave the rougher parts of
life to other's care !
Give me with my sweet valentine
To ramble in the soft sunshine,
And all the full, rich summer sweets of life to share.

To watch the love light in her eyes,
That sparkle like the deep blue skies,
While birds shall sing their gladsome song among the leaves;
I ask that these rare joys be mine,
To live with my sweet valentine,
Whatever other fate for me Time's shuttle weaves.


A Venirable Journal.
IT is announced that lately a St. Petersburg journal celebrated the
150th anniversary of its existence by giving a dinner to the repre-
sentatives of every walk of life in St. Petersburg." Now the repre-
sentatives of some walks of life in St. Petersburg are awfully awful
people, and 150 years ago there were not more than half-a-dozen
Russians who could read. The whole "Jubilee," as it is called, looks
like a crammer. Jubileeve it ?


A Prop Position.
A FRENCH savant has developed a theory that one half the diseases
we suffer from are brought on by lying down. Whether the gentle-
man wishes us to sleep standing he leaves us in doubt; but as Mr. Cross
observes, there is a lying spirit abroad, and until we are told how to
sleep on our heads or obtain rest by hanging from the ceiling, we are
afraid the inhabitants of Christendom will continue to measure their
length, and put up with the consequences.


A CAUTION.
I SENT my love a valentine,
She put it by with care;
Next year it came to me as mine
From her I call my fair.
'Twere best, 0 maids, the giver's name
To pencil, lest you rue
That heedlessly you sent the same
To those who gave them you.
All rules exceptions have, and this
Is one, for seldom men
So served are overjoyed, I wis,
To get their own again.












Rilli


_V'J71 .-VJEJ3rtrAi0Y 13, 1878.


hl111I


'-ftc'--


, I"; i-'~
K
K


Iz


THE PREMIER'S VALENTINES.


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/-


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If


-L 6








FEB. 13, 1878.]


FUN.


SUMPTUARY REGULATIONS.
; f fHE AUTHOR OF A NEW COMIC PIECE (01
A the eve of its production) to the STAGE
MANAGER. And, mind we get all the
dresses correct, because I want my piece
to depend entirely on the dialogue for
its hutmour, and any absurdity in the
dresses would spoil it.

h At the Theatre. The LORD CHAMBER-
SLAIN enters, takes his seat in a box, and
rubs his hands cheerfully.
THE L. 0. Come, this is comfort-
ti able Released for awhile from the
duties of office, I will yield myself up
c) unrestrainedly to the delights of the
I drama. Let me have a look at the bill.
What have we here ? Al, here are the
characters: "Tom Tramper, a postman"
I U f- -(he coughs nervously and appears uneasy)
-ahem but of course they wouldn't
think of dressing him as-- Holloa !
y-ajor Mettleboy, an officer in Her
"Majesty's 957th Regim-- (He changes
colour visibly). "Admiral Ironsides,
commanding the-- ." (ood Heavens! "Peter Pullemupp, a
policeman" ; "Jeremiah Jinks, a judge of the High Court of Judica-
ture "; Tim, a telegraph boy." Oh! what shall Ido? what shall
I do ? (He turns very, very pale, and clings to the box curtains for sup-
port; then his face brightens as with a ray of hope, and he breathes more
freely.) But it's all right, of course; they would never dream of
dressing any of them in her Majesty's uniform-they'l -dress 'em in-
correctly-they always do. Oh, yes, I shall enjoy myself thoroughly,
in spite of this momentary misgiving. Yes-here we go !
The curtain rises, discovering TOM TRAMPER, the postman, in conversation
with TIM, the telegraph boy.
THE L. C. (with a gasp). Why, good heavens! They are in
correct uniform, as I'm a dignitary And-why-there! Th- th-
th-they've actually got a real regular telegram envelope-and, by
Jingo with a real regular telegram form inside-all the right colour.
(Enter PETER PULLEMUPP, the policeman. THE L. C. starts to his feet
and sinks back again. Oh-h He's in correct uniform too (His
head swims during the rest of the scene, but he is hazily and torturedly
conscious of MAJOR METTLEBOY, ADMIRAL IRONSIDES, and JUDGE JINKS
all-all in the correct dresses of their callings ; and as the act-drop falls
he staggers and gropes his wayfrom his box and plunges wildly behind the
scenes.)
HALF THE AUDIENCE (in conversation with THE OTHER HALF). The
absence of any attempt at burlesque in the costumes makes it seem so
real and so funny, doesn't it ?
THE OTHER HALF (in reply). Yes! That's exactly what strikes us.
THE STAGE MANAGER (coming forward). Ladies and gentlemen, I
have to inform you that we are compelled to make a few slight altera-
tions in the costumes of the costumes of the characters, by order of the Lord Cham-
berlain.
THE L. C. returns to his box rubbing his hands in an obviously happier
frame of mind. He beams. The act-drop rises, discovering Tom
TRAMPER, the postman (in the judge's wig), in conversation with MAJOR
METTLEBOY (with the policeman's coat on). To them enters PETER
PULLEMUPP, the policeman, wearing the major's sword and the trousers
of the telegraph boy.
THE L. C. (stroking his chin.) Al now, this is better-not so correct
-more respectful to her Majesty's uniform and-. What can the
audience be laughing at ?
HALF THE AUDIENCE (to THE OTHER HALF). I say, this is too absurd.
Which is which ?
THE OTHER HALF (in reply). Oh, goodness only knows! We're
quite in a muddle !
Enter ADMIRAL IRONSIDES, in the policeman's helmet and the postman's
coat.
THE L. C. (nodding approvingly.) Very good indeed; come, this is
what I call in strict propriety. What are the audience laughing at ?
They can't surely be making a jest of any portions of her Majesty's

THE AUDIENCE. Oh, this is utter rubbish! Yar-s-s-s-s-s! Go
home! I (They rise in a body and jeer as there enter TIM, the telegraph
boy, in the cocked hat of the admiral, and JUDGE JINKS, with the police-
man's truncheon and gaiters, the postman's letter-bag, the admiral's
epaulettes, and the cap of the telegraph boy, and bearing a blue telegram in
a green cover.)


THE L. C. Why, they are jeering atl.y-o
portions of her Majesty's uniform. This
is worse than ever. By Jingo I ,6-'8 S.
must-. (He once more rushes behind.) dy.'
THE STAGE MANAGER (coming forward). mey r
Ladies and gentlemen, I have to inform
you that we are compelled to entirely
discontinue the use of any portion of her /
Majesty's uniform, by order of the Lord
Chamberlain.
THE L. C. again returns complacently to
his box. The act-drop again rises, dis- j
covering all the characters attired in tweed
suits. THE AUDIENCE gasp and leave the
Theatre in a body.
THE AUDIENCE (going hwme). Well, that comedy is rubbish, and the
first act seemed so good too












THE WICKED LIBERAL.
MISTER TIMOTHY TAGOS, in the days of his youth, had imbibed his
political views
From a Radical parent who wrote for the Star and was sometimes
employed on the News ;
He was taught to believe that the Tories were bad, and a drag on the
wheel of the coach
Which attempted to carry the people ahead-where the swells would
not have them encroach.
And he found that his notions were equally held by a very respectable
lot,
Who were firm in support of the Liberal creed, and who gave it
Conservatives hot.
He was young in the days when to vote as one thought didn't merit
contumely's brand-
When even M.P.'s, who were Liberals to, who were Liberals too, were the Ministers ruling
the land.
So he passed from his youth on to manhood and age, when he suddenly
woke to the fact
That to speak about Tories with anger or doubt, was a most inde-
scribable act;
While to speak of a Liberal light with respect was to argue the speaker
a fool,
Or worse-to be reckoned a traitorous wretch, and a foreigner's
salaried tool.
The views of his youth and the facts of the past he was ordered
at once to forget,
And, unless he weuld ruin his country at once, to extol the Conser-
vative set.
Mister Timothy Taggs was so shocked when he found that his Liberal
views were a sin,
That he knocked at the portals of Bedlam in haste, but the doctor
would not let him in.
So he read through his history carefully once, just to see what his
party had done,
And it seemed to him, really, there had been a time when they weren't
reckoned lepers to shun ;
But he judged by the leaders and speeches, to-day,-those were seasons
of terrible shame,
Or how could it happen such odium now was attached to a Liberal
name?
"This history lies! I have lived in a dream. 'Twas the Tories who
saved us !" he cried.
"'Twas the Liberals, plainly, who, all through the past, to oppose all
our progress have tried;
I have dared to revere such a villain as G--; I am Russian-a
traitor, and knave!"
He begged pardon at once of infallible Ben-broke his heart-and was
put in his grave.


73








FUN.


[FEB. 13, 1878.


THE FOREBODING.


' I am not fair he, brooding, said lie spoke a year ago-in March). With dread Foreboding's direful wings Hle bought supplies of patent. things
My eyebrows lack the classic arch "I'm sure to get," he said, I fear, Outspread above him like a pall, To beautify himself withal.
There lurks no grace about my head An ugly Valentine next year."


lilt.
M1 1-0
---,ji~P -,,ja _


,i,, ,IIJi


" P-rclance," he mused, "a shaven head
Inmproves a visage such as mine


By this I m ght avoid the dread I But vNi with all his patentbalms-
Anticipated Valentine!" Wi. h shaven head-with flowing hair,


This dread foreboding knew no calms !
The year advanced-he wooed despair







FEm. 13, 1878.] FUN. 75

VALENTINES FOR NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS.


-^S^QK~f^iA 2


"TORTURE A POOR CHAP WITH THAT! DO THEY THINK US ANIMALSS"
10liMl?%7


" GO AWAY; DON'T YOU BEE WE ARE POOR INJURED MEN ON STRIKE?"


AN EROTIC EFFUSION.
HEN St. Valentine approaches,
-'tis the rule to scribble
S / verses-
"'3 s, So I trust you'll kindly grant me
S- your indulgence for a time.
'- I'm about to throw myself upon the
muse's tender mercies,
And try my humble pen upon a
little bit of rhyme.
It must not be too romantic, it must
not be very gushing
1 / I -(So moderate your fancy, gentle
muses, I implore).
To greet their loves with spoony
lays let other bards be rushing,
I'd pen a simple lyric to the
maiden I adore!
"Behold, your lover greets you,
dear, and wishes you good mor-
row -
(" Good morrow" sounds poetical,
at least, so I've been told)
"ay my precious darling's future
never have a tinge of sorrow"
(By Jove, you ought to see her,
friends, she's worth her weight
in gold).
S *
I haven't made much progress, for the muse seems somewhat snarling
And disinclined to help me-really, muse, you are a bore!
Do lend me just a line or two, to send my little darling!-
You will? Oh, thanks! I'll start again-" To her whom I adore!"
" Permit me to assure you, dear, my love is unabated ;
'Tis, if possible, increasing, and I feel it still will grow.


My love for you's a sterling love, and not electroplated ;
Not a love that's on the surface, as too often love is-no !
I love you with an earnestness I can't describe in writing;
My verse is quite inadequate, however I may pore.
'Tis a lame attempt at poetry I fear I've been inditing-
I only know, my dearest, you're the maiden I adore !
"That God may always bless you, dear, and guide you and protect you,
And brighten your existence with the rainbow hues of joy,
Is your lover's earnest prayer. But there, I know He'll ne'er neglect
you,
But will keep you from the doubting fears that canker and destroy.
And now my lyric's ended, love, the bard has reached his tether,
And the muse is not inclined, it seems, to aid him any more ;
But I'm certain, dear, our love will ever help us on together,
For I couldn't be unhappy with the pet whom I adore !"

A Fireside Story.
SHE sat by the fire knitting. Her lovely eyes rested ever and anon
upon the handsome face of her lover opposite. When are we going
to be knitted together, Jenny ?" he asked her softly. She knitted
her brows. "Don't, George, you made me drop a stitch; look at the
wool Wool you be mine, darling ? he answered. She fetched
him a playful one in the eye with the apparatus. He got the needle,
and went away and married another girl who didn't do fancy work.

Another Good Earl Gone Wrong.
EARL FORTESCUE has been compelled, he says, to resign his con-
nection with a Liberal Association in consequence of the opposition to
the vote of credit. If the Earl's name is Fortescue, his reason must
be Fortaskew to think that his action demanded the publicity and big
type he has managed to secure for it.

Valentiniana.
THE proprietors of the Newcastle Daily Chronicle have started a new
boat-race, to be called the Valentyne Championship.







76 F UN [FB. 13, 1878.



a -, 4 ,BoRN, 1792; DIED, 1878.
'' 'L ) WHILE in unholy war foe strives with foe,
-Dead lies the leader of a great crusade;
The pale-faced warrior lays our hero low,
Whose mighty weapon aye for Right was
Swayed.
(C iVice fled before it, Falsehood bowed its head;
S'' .Injustice cowed, turned on its recreant heel;
While the fierce light of honest Truth was shed
In dazzling rays from his all-glorious steel.
The pen is mightier than the sword, they say,-
S' Let both for once to his grand pencil yield;
.( yy Look back upon the foes in grim array
His pencil left heart-pierced upon the field!
>y .It tore the victim from Death's vengeful grasp,*
S^ It fought with vice in many a secret den.
*The old knight falls, his weapon in his clasp,
SAnd leaves its work his monument to men.

Hippophagy.
SA FRENCH society intends shortly to open an estab-
lishment in London for the sale of horseflesh as an
article of food. The Lord Mayor was asked for his
official permission, and the Mayor did not say neigh to
_.__ ,I, .the horse.
Answer to Correspondent.
No; Earl de la Warr is not another title of the
S-Premier's, but a different peer altogether. Your mis-
a take, however, is a pardonable one.
^ --s -'-. For their Sins.

TO W. S. G., GAIETY THEATRE, FEB. 13. A CONTEch MPORY raises the question, "Ought
churches to be carpeted?" We should think the
Let other authors, laughing in their sleeves proper answer would be, "No-the congregation."
With adaptations, act like Forty Thieves."
Of wit, of talent, and of satire keen, Cruikshank's famous Bank Note" led to the abolition of
You are the king and also Har-la-queen. the death penalty for forgery.

VALENTINES FOR PUBLIC MEN. GOOD-BYE.
Lord Beaconsfield........ A Russian purse (six millions). GOOD-BYE Ah me The words are weird,
Mr. Gladstone .......... Ruff's Guide (the subject-Races). As bells that toll for spirits fled.
Mr. Chaplin ............ A Slang Dictionary. Good-bye forewarns the goal is neared,
Mr. Layard ............ Truth." And yet good-byes are lightly said.
Marshal McMahon ...... A new set of Chambers' (Encyclopoedia.) The farewell falls from laughing lips
Mr. Stanley ............ Baron Munchausen." On ears that idly catch the sound,
Lord Derby ............ Christian Resignation." As though our livcs were buoyant ships,
Lord John Manners ...... "St. Valentine's Day." And years were seas sailed swiftly round.

Anneus Mirabilis. Good-bye! Ah me! The words are fraught
A Anneus M.irablis. With vanished hopes and broken ties,
A POPULAR superstition has received a rude shock. For years no With vanished hopesall too rudely taught,
one disputed the fact that Queen Anne was dead. A periodical de- With lessons all too rudely taught,
voted to art furniture and decoration informs us now that Queen And angry clouds in summer skies.
Anne has been revived, and is now to be seen in all the best houses." From hen friendly hands clasped closely lied pass;
This is Anne extraordinary resuscitation. For swiftly runs the fatal glass,
Between the Two. And surely comes the last good-bye.
A PRISONEn was tried the other day who was described by the re-
porters as "a woman of masculine appearance." Naturally she was HARDY STATEMENTS TO MAKE.-The Minister for War's, about
tried at the Middlesex Sessions. Your friends the Russians."

"uO-TIlELIC1OU.O BEVERAGES."



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Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Tll, Poetera' Commons. and P blisreg (for the Proprietors) at 155, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, February 13, 1878.









FEB. 20, 1878.] FTJU N. 77


-g n-




TWO SIDES TO THE QUESTION.
Miss Nellie:-" YES, THE LETTER IS ALL RIGHT, BRIDGET; BUT DON'T WAIT ANY LONGER. IF YOU GO DOWN THE ROAD YOU ARE SURE
TO MEET MAMMA, AND THEN YOU CAN TELL HER YOURSELF WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAYS."
Bridget:-"'SHURE, AN' THAT'S THRUE FOR YE, Miss NELLIE; BUT WHAT SHALL I TELL HER IF I DON'T MEET HER?"


HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF ONE'S TIME.
At the Court of So-and-So. THE JUDGE. Where is Mr. Notterbey
Fowned, the counsel for the defence? It is absolutely indispensable
that he should be present at this point of the case.
SOMEBODY IN COURT. Oh, he couldn't attend here, as he's engaged
at the Court of Whatsaname.
THE JUDGE. Just run and fetch him, somebody.
*
THE SOMEBODY (arriving at the Court of FWhatsaname). I say, you
haven't seen Mr. Notterbey Fowned, the barrister, have you ?
THE PARTY ADDRESSED. No, I wish I had. He was to appear for
me, and he's never turned up, and as there have been several important
witnesses whom nobody except himself could examine properly, I shall
lose my case. I fancy he's speaking at the Court of Whaddycawlit.
*
THE SOMEBODY (arriving at the Court of Whaddycawlit). Is Mr.
Notterbey Fowned here ?
THE USHER. No, 'e ain't; that's the lark! His side made sure o'
winning' the case, 'cos they knew 'ow 'e gets over a jury ; but he didn't
turn up, and t'other side got the case with costs. Ho! ho! I've
heard he's at the Court of Thingummyjig.
*
THE SOMEBODY (arriving at the Court of Thingummyjig). Is M{r.
Notterbey Fowned here ?


THE JUDGE. No, sir, he is not; the Court has been waiting for
him two hours and a half.
A VOIcE. He's round at the Probate and Divorce Tavern," having
a sherry-and-bitters ; just left him there.
*
THE SOMEBODY (arriving at the "Probate and Dirorce Tavern "). I
want Mr. Notterbey Fowned. He's wanted in Court.
Mr. N. F. (chuckling). Which Court?
THE SOMEBODY. Why, the Court of So-and-So, and the Court of
Whatsaname, a:xd the Court of-
Mr. N. F. Oh, pooh! I can't be at all these places at the same
time. Besides, I'm waiting about here for some retainers that I'm
expecting, and can't waste my time on Courts.


"Three Men in a Tub."
WE find, from the newspapers, that Mr. Gurdon has been busily
tubbingg" some of his crew lately. After receiving all this tubbing,
it can only be considered fair if the Cantabs give their opponents on
the race day a little of their wash"-off the Soap-works would be
a suitable place.

HAS a China Clipper" anything in common with the well-known
"Delfy-coracle"
PREPARING FOR WINTER CAMPAIGN-Purchasing war(m) material.


VOL. XXVII.








F UTN.


[FEB. 20, 1878.


THE PITH OF THE PAPERS.


I.-A FRONT PAGE.
THE ROOT OF POLITICAL EVIL.
THE Cabinet's unhappy 'split;
The late untimely resignations;
The Pacha Hobart's want of wit;
The Czar's disgraceful machinations ;
Nay, all the deeds of wrong and fear
Which brought our country desolation,
Since Julius Ciesar's landing here
Until the present consummation,
Have been originated by
The revolutionary rad's tone,
Which we unfailingly descry
In ev'ry speech of Mr. Gladstone.
A PHONOLrGICAL DIFFICULTY.
There seems to be a certain tone
Of controversial irritation
In lovers of the telephone
Concerning its pronunciation;
Philologists appear to bring
Discussion, stubborn, hard, and stony,
To bear upon this latest thing
The Telephone (or Telephone).
It might assist the human race
If Mr. Gladstone would but suffer
THis mind to bear upon the case-
Oh, Mr. Gladstone is a duffer !!
TEMPLE BAR.
The fall of Temple Bar compels
Some musing on the introduction
In early times of oyster-shells
In architectural construction.
The shells that we no longer need
To fill up masonry or pad stone,
Might now be well employed, indeed,
In ostracising Mr. Gladstone.
LIGHT FROM CUCUMBERS.
A chemist, if report be right,
Has shown a wonderful invention,-
A method of extracting light
From out the edibles we mention.
If someone, now, would take the pains
To bottle some of this, addressing:
" To Mr. Gladstone-for his brains !"
He might receive his country's blessing.
MR. STANLEY.
Discussion seems to rule the day
About the acts of Mr. Stanley,
And many persons hold that they
Were anything but right and manly.
But this a baby could decide:-
In anything remotely smacking
Of manliness or proper pride
Is Mr. Gladstone wholly lacking.
THE NEEDLE" AGAIN.
All thinking persons must agree
This monolith will be a sad stone
If Fate has destined it to be
No more upright" than Mr. Gladstone !


THE CABINET COUNCIL.
OR, BEAUTIFrUL EXAMPLES OF RESIGNAT o ."
ScENE.-The council chamber. Seated round the table are several
Ministers. The RIGHT HON. riH EARL OF B**c*wkr*~nLD in the
chair. Then enter LORD D'RBY, wit/ some torpedoes in his pockets;
LORD S*L*ssB'Y, carrying some maps; SIR ST*.Fr*D N*ninc'iE,
struggling under a red despatek-box; the last" LORD OF THE AD-
m*R*LTY, reading a newspaper, ce., 4-. .Tiey sit.
THE EARL or B. (rapping the table). Now then, are we all here ?
THE H*ME SEC. No Manners again.
THE EAR, OF B. Eh! (Enter LoRD J. M*NN*Rns hastily.) Ah!
Behind time again, you really ought to know better.
LORD J. M*NN*RS. I'm no more behind than I've been before,
but I'm not too late to resign. (THE EARL OF B. groans.)
THE EARL OF B. Now how about those confounded affairs in the
East, and how about those torpedoes, British Interests," as Schou-
valoff calls 'em ? We must act on our consciences, you know. Have
any of you thought of a policy ?
THE "ILAsT" LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY. As you all keep me so
much in the dark as to what is going on (not that I believe you know
yourselves), I am compelled to find out through the newspapers, and.
as their information is proverbially untrustworthy, I can hardly re-
concile my conscience to acting upon it. I must, therefore, decline to
do anything in this matter, but think seriously about resigning. (He.
resumes his newspaper, and the EARL OF B. wrings his hands.)
LORD D*RBY. Dear friends, having laid down the definitions of
my torpedoes, it behoved me in justice to my reputation for extreme
caution to take them up and carry them about with me to prevent
any possibility of their infringement. I have them here intact, so
there is no need of doing anything. But if you say there is, and do
it, I shall resign.
THE EARL OF B. (tearing his hair). But in spite of the armistice
the Russians have advanced nearer and nearer to Constantinople.
Haven't they, N*rthc*te ? You were questioned about it in the
House the other night.
SIR ST*FF*RD N*5THC*TE. And as I replied then, I have no in-
formation on that subject or on any other. (Suddenly sitting on top of
red box.) And please don't bother. I have all my work in keeping
what little we do know from oozing out of this wretched box. Things
will get about so. Why, everybody seemed to know about the'
" split," and I'm sure we tried to keep it dark enough. If anything
more comes out I shall resign. (THE EARL OF B. groans.)
LORD S*L*SB*RY. My dear Lord B., you trouble yourself so un-
necessarily. When the Russians were north of the Balkans I used a
small map ; following the statements that they were steadily marching
southwards, I, from time to time used larger maps, which have the
effect of showing the Russians as far off Constantinople as ever. As
long as I can buy larger maps there is no need to do anything, and
when I can't I shall resign.
THE EARL OF B. (doubling up). Look here, we have sat here from
the commencement of "the crisis-.
LORD D*RBY. I respectfully submit no crisis has arisen. If there
had I should have resigned.
LOnD S*L*sB*nY (to LORD D'RBY). I am with your lordship.
THE EARL OF B. But about our policy. We are sitting here to
find it. Have we succeeded, and if so, what is it ?
LORD S*L*SB*RY. As our dear departed friend, C*rn*rv*n advised,
let us wait like Micawber "for something to turn up," then we can act
upon it and shape our policy accordingly.
THE EARL OF B. But things have turned up, and he shaped his
policy into doing the same to us. H*rdy, what are we to do ?
H*RDY. As, when your successor as leader of the House of
Commons was appointed, I was passed over in favour of N'rthc'te
and his red box, I must decline to commit myself to do anything but
resign.
THE EARL OF B. (sinking on the floor). Oh, dear! oh, dear! But
I say, look here, we ought to and must do -- !
ALL (breathlessly). What?
THE EARL OF B. (groaning). I-I don't know.
CURTAIN QUICKLY.

"They Scent the Carrion from Afar."
THE daily papers inform us that a few evenings ago a deputation
of medical students from the various London hospitals waited upon
the Prime Minister, to express their warm approval of his policy."
Did their instincts tell them that occupation, at no distant date,
would be the result of that policy; or was it that they resolved to
promote more British interests" of a very circumscribed nature ?

ALBANANIA CHIEFTAINs.-The Life Guards at the Albany-street
Barracks.


78









FEB. 20, 1878.]


FU N.


SEEING'S BELIEVING.
A TALE OP THE WELINGTON MONUMENT.

were falling upon the
noble structure of St.
Paul's a few evenings ago,
a muffled form might have
been observed parleying with
the verger at the north door;
and, after a hurried whisper-
ing, followed by the flash of
a metallic disc in the moon-
light, to enter Pihe edifice and
disappear in the darksome
aisles.
Scarcely had the verger
referred to had time to test
a half-crown between his
teeth, and to remark to him-
self, "Well, I never! here's
a cur'ous go !" when ano-
ther muffled form might
have been seen ascending
f the steps.
Another short parley-
another hurried whispering-another flash of a metallic disc in the
moonlight-and the verger was again testing a coin between his teeth,
whilst the second muffled form had, like the first, disappeared in the
darksome aisles.
It must be distinctly understood, however, that this time the
ecclesiastical minion slightly varied his sotto soce remark, for what he
said was, "S'help me never! there's another on 'em wants to be alone
with the monnyment It's curusser than ever !"
Another short parley-another But stay space has its restric-
tions, and we had better condense what are, after all, but preliminary
details.
Let us put it this way, then.
Five more short parleys-five more hurried whisperings-five more
flashes of metallic discs in the moonlight successively ensued; whilst
the verger, having tested five more current coins in his favourite way,
could only throw up his hands in dumb amazement as five more
muffled forms passed in, so closely following one another as to well-
nigh tread on each other's heels.
When that dean and chapter's myrmidon found his tongue again,
it pleased himun to address the gloom before him-for the moon had
shifted to the south-as though it were full of muffled forms.
Now, then !" he said, "why don't yer come along ?" adding, in
scarcely appropriate jocosity, Walk hup! walk hup! we're jest
going' to begin j"
But no more muffled forms appeared; and so, being anxious to be
off-having determined to invest one of his tested coins in a savoury
tripe and onion supper on his way home-the verger resolved to look
up his late visitors, with a view of getting them to go. '
Stealing quietly along in the direction taken by the seven muffled
forms, he made for the door in a chapel, just inside which the
Wellington monument, commenced twenty-four years ago, had lately
been placed.
He had a lantern in his hand, but, thanks to the moonbeams now
streaming in, it was not wanted. Thanks to the same moonbeams, he
saw, whilst still at some distance, his fears that the visitors he
had admitted so late might be chipping the statues or meditating
suicide from the whispering galleries were unfounded.
There they were, all seven of them, standing in a semicircle round
the Wellington statue, and gazing at it in wrapt, nay, almost entranced
earnestness. So utterly lost in contemplation had each been, indeed,
that he had not noticed the approach of the later comers; and each
was standing there evidently unconscious of the fact that he was
not alone.
The verger Waited behind a pillar five minutes, but the seven made
no sign, save that down the cheeks of one or two slowly stole tears,
that to the verger, at the distance he was standing, seemed to be tears
of chastened joy.
But he was thinking of his supper, and not inclined to await the
convenience of isthetic devotees all night.
So he dropped his lantern.
In a moment the spell binding them was broken, and with a start
and an exclamation each awoke to the fact that he was not alone.
What, you here Lord John Manners ?" exclaimed a vestryman-
like muffled form, as his lordship hastily wiped away the traces of
his emotion.
Yes, Ayrton" returned his 16rdship. was in office, you
kn, v'whefi it was first projected," and he pointed' to fthe bionze and
marble pile.


Why, it's Adam, surely !" cried another muffled form, addressing
the Liberal Whip.
"Adam, it is, Lord Henry! replied he: What a strange coinci-
dence There's Noel, too, I declare "
"So he is!" cried Lord Henry Lennox, adjusting his eye-glass;
"and Cowper, too, if I mistake not ?"
Quite right," answered the honourable gentleman referred to.
Do you think I could fail to come and see an old friend, that gave
me more worry whilst in office than all the other public works put
together."
Why, all of you have been my predecessors in office, I do believe,"
cried the Right Hon. G. J. Noel, except this gentleman," he added,
turning to the yet muffled form that had so far said nothing.
"Pardon me!" said the stranger thus addressed. "I am Mr.
Austin Layard's London agent. Whilst at tea this evening I received
a telegram from him, via Bombay, saying, Wellington monument
reported completed. Go and see, and wire confirmation.' I have
come and seen, and shall wire, ere I sleep, that it is even so "
"That's right !" ejaculated Ayrton. Layard preceded me as
First Commissioner, and I shan't forget the wild joy with which he
handed me over the Wellington monument papers when I came in."
And now it is finished! sobbed Lord John Manners, who had
again burst into tears.
"Nay, don't weep exclaimed Lord Henry Lennox. "True, it
nearly finished all of us when we were in office; but see, it is really
finished itself now. It is a time, I think, for revelry by night."
With that, as though by instinct, the seven muffled forms joined
hands in a circle, and started off dancing round the completed monu-
ment in wild merriment.
*
It was nearly midnight before the verger got his savoury supper.


AFTER THE BANQUET.
THE revels axe over-the orgy is past;
All my lively companions have left me at last;
And the half-dozen strokes of my ormolu clock
Are effaced by the strains of the shrill-crowing cock.
In its grave lies the laughter that burst from our lips
Over Honeyman's ditties and Funnyman's quips.
Not an echo survives in the dawn's chilly light
Of the mirth and the music that gleamed through the night.
There were dainties of every conceivable shape;
There was Bass-there was Allsopp-and blood of the grape.
There were spirits, arranged by some cunning device
To be not very noxious and yet very nice.
But the thoughts of the feast bring a gloom to my brow,
As I gaze on the wrecks that remain of it now;
And a few bitter sentiments enter my head,
While I swiftly but sadly prepare me for bed.
As I glance at yon blank and untenanted shell
Where it once was the pride of an oyster to dwell,
I can scarcely restrain the too sensitive tear
And the wish to behold its inhabitant here.
Yonder bowl, I remember, held salad inside,
'Vhere the herbs and the lobster in interest vied;
Yonder bottles, once brimming, look now so forlorn
That I trace through their bodies the advent of morn.
Yet why should I murmur ?-That sunny Champagne
Was productive of Jones's most rollicking vein ;
And I never believed that young Simmons could pun
Till the serious drink of the night was begun.
Though the scent of tobacco still sickens the air,
My cigars were pronounced a success-and they were.
Sammy Travers, who came to me down in the dumps,
Made a joke after three of them. There are the stumps.
Ah, Youth is the gaslight, and Age is the gray,-
Will the follies of night bear the beams of the day ?
It is hardly for butterfly-poets to preach,
But at forty the learner may set up to teach.
Giddy boys, go along, with your jokes and your song ;
Which are all very pleasant, and not very wrong.
But the dawning of Reason, Philosophy tells,
Only leaves empty bottles-and ashes-and shells.


Club Rumour.
IN consideration of his services in Parliament, Mr. Chaplin is to be
raised to the Peerage under the title of Baron Fawnandsna.p.

MELANCHOLY REFLECTION.-The sluggard is bidden to go to the
ant; but, alas! how often he goes to his uncle.








80 FUN. [FEB. 20, 1878.

HOW TO LOAD A VESSEL.-(EXTRACTS FROM THE LOG OF THE "SETTLER.")


"P'r'aps we ain't got overmuch room to move; but it'll be all square, my lads, so long as we
don't get any storms, nor any lee-shores, nor any accidents."


"It's unfort'nit we're packed so tight, my lads. Might ha' saved those masts if we could ha'
got to the sails 1"


".Might get another couple o' chests stowed on the truck," said
the.captain, "and then get out to sea at once."'


E.**S*K'" M f f2 "PI,^ -1 St?*- ^! ^ ^
T .N*-*.

M E .... .



Previous lucky it was a eofg lee-shore, ain't it We'll have to stick here till the natives
come an' move a bx ( r ta o. Couldn't turn your head and see if the others have been washed
overboard :conud yer I" I






J-UIN .-FEBRUARY 20, 1878.


I T M44


~. ^


/


'\ Ii


IA


UijE


THE TELEPHONE.
Prince Gortschakoff's Voice :-" CHARMED TO SEE THE BRITISH FLEET PROTECTING THE DEAR LITTLE CHRISTIANS. WE CON-
TEMPLATE OCCUPYING CONSTANTINOPLE FOR PRECISELY THE SAME PURPOSE, AND AS A DUTY TO HUMANITY."
Lord Derby:-" I CAN HEAR HIM LAUGHING IN HIS SLEEVE, AND RATHER FANCY HE IS DOING A COMIC DANCE."


0o







FEB. 20, 1878] FU N 83


A SPELL IN THE CITY.
Breakfast room .in the mansion of a City gentleman. The C. G. has
pushed away his breakfast untasted, and sits with his forehead clasped
between his hands.


His WIFs (anxiously). Oh, James! What is this inward woe?
You shun your cup and platter !- /
You're glaring at the carpet so !
What is-what is the matter?
It terrifies and startles me
To see you sit and mutter,
Oh, is it something in the tea
Or in the bread and butter ?
The C. G. slowly raises his eyes, shudders, and speaks:-
Am I the man who shamed to swerve-
(Not long ago !)-from wearing
An air of dignified reserve
And sober, civic bearing ?
Am I the man who, clad by choice,
In spotless sable vesture,
Was ever decorous of voice
And Dombey-like of gesture ?
The much-esteem'd financial don
Respected in the City ?-
Unmatched for reputation on
The Stock Exchange Committee ?
And have I changed to vulgar acts
Of mad infatuation ?
What is this spell that so distracts ?-
This horrid fascination P?
He hides his face and writhes as he continues in a hollow voice:-
Not long ago-two little weeks-
I felt a strange ambition-
An itching-to indulge in freaks
Unfitting my position.
With wild endeavour which, may well
Defy exaggeration
I struggled with myself to quell
The ghastly inclination;
I sought companionship-'twas then
I suddenly detected
That all the other City men
Were equally affected !


He starts up, gesticulating wildly :-
With one accord-I cannot dwell
On galling explanation !-
We sought the Cannon Street Hotel;
We surged about the station,
We waved a flag-we burned the Times-
We yelled around a forum.


Oh, better fifty awful crimes
Than one such indecorum (He sobs.)
And ever since, when two or three
Who don't detest the Russian
Have chanced to meet and chance to be
Engaged in some discussion,
(Wildly.) The frenzy seizes us anew !
Gesticulating, scowling,
We seek those calm discussing few,
And sit upon them, howling !
As he speaks, the spell seizes him, and he rushes without a hat, and in
his slippers, to the City. As he reaches thepavement near the Bank, he
is surrounded by a surging throng of disorderly City men, who wildly
chant the following chorus:-
The fell enchantment bids us -haste
To foolish demonstrations,
Against our sense-against our taste-
Against our inclinations.
We feel convinced some horrid spell
Within us all is lurking;
What's more, we know extremely well
It's Mr. Gladstone's working !
They rush on, discover ,two Liberals discussing the Eastern Question,
and wildly sit upon them and wave a Turkish flag.


A WRONG IMPRESSION.
TENNYsoN TUBES was a butterman. His patronymic and his voca-
tion were the injuries of Fate.; his sponsors had added an insult in
naming him William, but as Nature, more lenient than Fate, had
made him a poet, he rejected "William" and adopted Tennyson."
He stuck, however, to the butter trade; that was remunerative, and
poetry wasn't, at least not his poetry; he also clung to Tubbs, for the
name had been for three generations inseparable from the shop to
which as an only son he had succeeded. Of his poetic genius there
could be no doubt. In a manuscript magazine, boasting a circulation
of twenty-three, he poured forth profusely what he called the
" babblings of a giant soul;" his Lines on a Railway" thrilled the
hearts of readers; his Ode to my Uncle dimmed their eyes with
tears.
But never had he known how fiercely the genius of Milton and
Shakespeare burned in his veins till it was fanned by Love, absorbing,
dreamy, delicious Love.
She, the adorable, entrancing she, came upon him like a golden
dream, and bought a pound of "fresh." Oh, how his heart beat as
he placed the yielding compound on the scale beneath her glance It
was so melting (the glance, not the butter) ; his eyes were fastened on
her lovely face as he gently patted it (the butter, not her face) ; with
a sigh he watched her trip over his doorstep-not that I mean she
stumbled, his eyes followed her across the street, the door of the
opposite house opened and shut; there his heart left them behind.
Later in the day he saw her again, leaning on the arm of a parental-
looking individual. Had Tubbs known Horace he might have quoted,
varying the original, pater puleher filia pulchrior !" but these two
poets were quite strangers, so he only murmured, Charming father
of a more charming daughter! The new tenants of number 6. I
love her! She shall be mine "
He was in want of plans, and that evening, whilst counting his
stock of eggs, he laid the plans. From his fertile brain he produced
the following:-
"If thou lovest me, as I love thee,
Nought shall cut our loves in two, much less three !"
A day passed, so did another; this was no uncommon occurrence
with Tubbs. A small boy passed a bad half-crown on the abstracted
lover, and passed on. On the third day she came again, like another
dream, for more butter. Trembling with hope, he placed the pound
of fresh in a sheet of note paper inscribed with his couplet; then she
left, and he waited (he often waited on customers).
Ha the door opens She comes She crosses the road She
enters the shop She smiles I ! Be still, beating heart! She
speaks-
Some verses are written on the paper my butter's wrapped in."
"Yes, oh yes, they are mine Say, oh say, have they produced an
impression ? "
Oh, yes (" hysteria passio, down "), "a great impression-on'
the butter; and my husband insists on your changing it! "

In the ward of Crustiport there isn't a more practical and unpoetical
man living than William Tubbs, Common Councilman.

SHAKESPEARE TO THE GREEKxs.-Cry "peccavi," and let sleep the
dogs of war.









84 F U N [FEB. 20, 1878.


BRIBERY OR
NO BRIBERY.
WE have been
considerably exer-
cised in our minds
for the last few days,
and the mingled
feelings of doubt,
suspicion, anger,
and envy revolving
in our reasoning de-
partment, have led
that portion of our
economy to present
a chaotic and any-
thing but reassuring
spectacle. And all
this is due to a
pair of Blue-cards !
They came fully
addressed through
the post, and after
reading one, which
concerns a states-
man, lo! we light
upon the other,
which concerns our-
selves. It runs as
follows:--
"Therehavebeen,
at times, ENGLISH
NEWSPAPERS that
hard accepted bribes,
notably a journal
now defunct, said
to have been in the
pay of the ex-Em-
peror of the French ;
but now no one sus-
pects the TIMES '
or DAILY NEWS '
of being bribed, they
are both much too
PATRIOTIC."
There! Now the
Times and Daily
.ews are Liberal
organs, and, if they
have been bribed,
why, in the name
of common justice
and honesty, have
we not been bribed,
too ? We confess
to a considerable
amount of chagrin
at being so left out
in the cold, and are
proportionately en-
vious of our two
luckier contempo-
raries. Nor is this
all-our staff is
continually coming
down and insinu-
ating an amount of
appropriation on our
part which they are


WILLING TO OBLIGE?
Jovial Eost:-" GOOD NIGHT, OLD MAN! YOU'LL BE ROUND IN THE MORNING?"
Attenuated Guest (who must have his joke) :-" WELL, I'LL BE AS ROUND AS I CAN."


pleased to deem
unfair to them.
"Hang it all," they
say, "we write what
you have been sub-
sidised for, and
surely we ought to
be allowed to share
the profits." It is
in vain we tell them
we are deplorably
"out of it," they
refuse to believe
a word, and
threaten to go over
to the Times and
Daily News in a
body. This is a very
unpleasant state of
things, and we feel
it most acutely.
Were we suspected
with- reason, we
could bear up
against it a very
great deal better;
but as it stands now
we are very un-
happy. We can only
hope that the next
time there are any
bribes going about
we may be well in,
or that the whole
affair may be kept
dark, for to trifle
with our susceptible
feelings andoitching
palms in this way
is really too bad.

Obiter Dicta.
A PRIZE fight is a
breach of the law,
and if you lay
money on it you
cannot deny thatyou
are a-betting.
Although it does
not belong to him,
the gentleman who
presides over a pub-
lic meeting is fully
justified in taking
the chair.
The Competitive
System.
A LITTLE boy re-
marked at dessert
the other day that
he did not see why
he should not be
crammed with dates
as well as his big
brother.
Ir meat turns bad,
can it be cured ?


LATIN VAGARIES. On dit.
A QUESTIONABLE LINE.-Impiger, iracundus, inexorabilis, eh, sir ? MR. GLADSTONE, with his friend Mr. Tennyson, paid a visit to the
MOTTO FOR JOHN BRIGHT, M.P.-Fortis, et in se ipso totus, teres, Talking Oak, and inquired its age. Oh, don't axe me!" replied
Hatque rotundus. the oak.
FROM THE LADIES' HoRACE.-Solicitoris amor-That love of a
solicitor! A Puzzle.
NIL CONSCIRE SIBI, NULLA PALLES CERE CULPA.-Stating your WHEN there are so many mad people in England, why do we still
income as half, when you know in your soul you're on full pay. persist in importing madder ?
HORACE ON MOXOTONY.-Iruditur dies die-True ditto day by day.
PRO SE QUISQUE.-Who was prosy Quisque, and why was he so IRISH TRAMP. H-what place is this, now ?
called? YORKSHIREMAN. Askam-Bryan.
MONEY LENDERs.-Facilis descensus ad I. Moss, sed revocare IRISH TRAMP. H-which! Bad luck to ye! H-why can't ye tell
gradus, hic labor, hoc hopeless est. me yesself, thin ? And how did ye come to know my name P








FUN.


EXTRACTS FROM; THE COMMON-PLACE BOOK
OF A CONNOISSEUR.

Write me as one
Who roved good living."-St. Boniface.

PIGEON SOUP.
Eight pigeons take, all pluck, and two, the worst,
Review, i.e., cut up, and drown the pair
In water that will fill a large tureen.
Necks, gizzards, pinions, livers of the rest
Add, and boil well, and strain. Season the birds,
But part dissected, with your pungent spice,
Mixed spice, and salt-English, you understand,
Not attic-that, perchance, you lack-and then
Truss them as if their little toes were cold,
Legs into belly. Pick and wash and shred
Parsley, young onions, spinach eke; .and grate
Bread, say a handful. In the fryingpan
A lump of butter put, and when it boils,
Throw in your bread, and mind you do it brown.
Put on the stock to boil, and add the birds,
Herbs and fried bread, and when the doves are done,
Of course, they may be dished."--fassacre of the Imnocents.

COCKY LEEKY.
Scrag of mutton, shank of veal,
From the butcher, where you deal;
Good beef stock is even better--
Now then, follow to the letter:
Portly fowl, with leeks, say three,
Pepper, salt, judiciously.
Leeks cut up in inch-long pieces ;-
Slowly boil. When it decreases,
After a good hour or more,
Add three sliced leeks as before.
One hour longer let it bubble,
It will pay you for your trouble.
If you've followed as you should,.
You'll declare the stuff is good."
-Macbeth (improved).
STEWED OYSTERS.
Friend am I, and not foe, and yet men beard me,
And boil my beard in my own juice with gravy ;
Strain off my beard, and put me in instead,
Thicken the mess with flour and ouhce'of butter,
Kill my ambrosial flavour with their ketchup
(White wine, anchovy, lemon, what you will),
Nutmeg, and salt and pepper, mace antd cream ;
Simmer, and serve me up on toasted sippets.
They will not let me boil, but my blood boils
At thought of how, while they would paint the lily,
Pepsine and piquant coolness both must perish."
--- -The Foreboding Natire.

3TEWED CARP.
Carp not at the carp, but clean him, and cut him tenderly in two.
Give him warm lodging in thy stewpan, and grudge him not thy
broken bread. Season with pepper and salt, mace, and an onion
sliced fine, and tickle him with capers. Comfort him with wine, both
white and red, bfit temper with water. Cover him up and leave
him to the full fruition of thy bounty. When he hath had enough of
it, garnish him with horseradish and lemon for sacrifice upon the altar
of thy table."- The Incomplete Angler.*

STEWED EELS.
Who Wiggy was I cannot say,
But stew your eels, friend, Wiggy's way." t-Anon.

ROAST DUCKS.
Coasting along the shore, they observed a Spaniard driving a
flock of ducks ; which, having lowered the pinnace, they secured.
But they were cooked in strange fashion-boiled with the feathers on,
undrawn, instead of being plucked and laboriously singed and washed
and dried, and then roasted with savoury seasoning of onion, sage,
salt, pepper, and served up with steaming apple sauce. But so long
had the men lived on salt victual that they thought the boiled ducks
good cheer."-Sir Francis Drake's Voyages.
(To be continued.)
By Izaak Walton's grandfather a book very rarely seen.
+ Vide Kitchiner.


A -cold and calculating mani.

ODD ITEMS.
THE NEW FUNERAL ADVERTISEMENTS.
JONEs (with afit of the dismals"). Oh, this is a miserable world !
What a dreadfully melancholy road this is Nobody ever comes by,
except the woe-begone policeman Now there's a melancholy street-
singer-he's droning out the Dead March" in Saul. If only some-
thing would happen to 'liven me up-if anybody would come; or a
letter Al! that would cheer a fellow up a bit; but no-of
course it isn't the post time. Heigho (He sinks his head into
his hands and glares at the carpet.) Hullo! There is the postman
coming down the road! I can hear him knocking a quarter of a mile
away! He's actually come at .the wrong time on purpose t, help
cheer me up, and I daresay he'll bring one of that irrepressible
Brown's chaffy letters. He is coming here-I hear him on the steps.
Hooray! Here's a letter. (He rushes to the hall box.) To the
Lady or .Gentleman of the 1ouse." It's only a circular, then, after
all; but circulars are often enlivening. Why, it's a funeral adver-
tisement, with a telegram form inside "(Reads telegram)-
"From- To Patent Improved Funeral Company.
"Send here at I once to I take measurements I for | my I coffin.
The I nearest railway station I is-"
Oh, loor It's ominous ; I felt something awful was coming !
(The fit of the dismals" rapidly gets worse, and in the course of the
afternoon he appends his name to the telegram form, and posts it.)

THE TRUE WORD SPOKEN IN JEST.
A music hall. The Great War Song" going forward. Chorus of
BILL, TOM, and'ArSay (very loied)-'
We don't want to fight, but, by jingo, if we do "
(Consequences inaudible in the vehemence of the chorus, but BILL, TOM,
and 'ARRY nod their heads with ominous meaning.)

NYext morning., BILL (rushing, in breathlessly to TOM and 'ARnY).
Oh, I say, good 'eavens They've bin and declared war; and the
papers say as we'll all have to go !
ToM and 'AnmR (starting up and turning pale). What! 'Ave to go
and fight! !
(BILL disguises himself as a woman, TOM flies the country, and 'AaRY
gives way to helplessness and despair.)
MonAL : They don't want to fight!

Anecdotes.
A MEDICAL student being called upon to replace the palisades he had
destroyed, replied that it would not be Christian to render railing for
railing.
A man of easy temper having been pushed into a vinegar vat,
philosophically remarked that he had only had an acidulated drop.

Punctuation for Economists.
INSTEAD of putting the coal on, make a full stop.

BUILDING material for the Ragged Church Union.-Kentish rag.


FEB. 20, 1878.]








FU N.


THE ADVENTURES OF MR. SCATTERBRAIN.-No. I.


Mr. Scatterbrain, an amiable Lives in semi-detached villa
old gentleman, in a remote part of the country.


His neighbour is an
indefatigable pianist,


With an especially maddening Mr. S. has a happy thought.
two-finger exercise. An anonymous post card.


THE OPPRESSED AND THE OPPRESSOR.
HERE was a strange case of dispute
between employers and employed
B before one of the metropolitan magis-
trates the other day, which we have
not seen reported in the morning
papers. This is very culpable, as the
matter is of great importance to the
honest British workman, and ought
/ to be made widely known. FUN therefore
takes upon himself the honourable task of
doing this. The facts are briefly these : -
Mr. Hitstone, in combination with a few
others of his fellow workers, had sent in
a polite request to the man who offered
the work (the defendant), that they
might have paid to them in wages two
shillings for every one shilling's worth of work they did, otherwise they
would be under the painful necessity of leaving the employment,
which reasonable demand was not only most insultingly refused, but
the defendant had actually, with unblushing temerity, brought over
a parcel of low, unskilled foreign fellows, and they were now doing
the work which the true and honest British working man was fairly
entitled to.
The application was that the defendant should be ordered to imme-
diately dismiss this foreign banditti, who had come to plunder the
native of his undoubted rights, and place the applicant and his co-
patriots in their place.
The excuse offered by the defendant will not a little astonish the
public by its excessive absurdity. He said, his contract would not
enable him to pay the price demanded by the men." Contracts,"
forsooth! What nonsensical rubbish is this ? Further, that "If he
paid the price demanded by the working men for the labour they did,
he should himself be bankrupt and a ruined man in less than a month."
Who, we ask, ever heard such ridiculous nonsense as this ?
What on earth can a British workman possibly have to do with an
employer's "Contracts," or whether he becomes a "ruined man" or
not ? We suppose he is a reasonable and fairly reasoning being, and
when he makes his Contracts" he also makes full provision for all I
the chances, adverse or otherwise, that may arise before he can com-


plete the work; moreover, that he would be called upon to pay the
honest working man his fair and reasonable demands.
The enlightened magistrate, we are happy to find, took this very
proper view of the case, and commented in severe terms on the un-
worthy, or, as he.was good enough to term it, dishonest conduct of the
employer, who, he was sorry to say, was a fair example of the grasping,
grinding, money-getting class to which he belonged;-a class of
people who are never satisfied until they have crushed the very life out
of those who labour to support their pampered appetites. He was very
much grieved, continued the worthy magistrate, to find that this case
was beyond his jurisdiction, it was in fact far too serious in its nature
for him to deal with; he would therefore advise the complainant to
carry their case to the House of Lords, and failing to get that satis-
faction they deserved -from that tribunal, which, indeed, would most
likely be the case, go at once and lay their just grievance at the foot
of the throne itself-(loud cheers in court)-and there demand of our
noble-hearted Queen, who will not see her brave people wronged or
crushed by tyranny, that justice which is the birthright of every true-
born Briton-(more cheers)-secured by Magna Charta-that glorious
Charter which the warm heart's blood of our ancient nobility obtained,
that every man in these realms, be he high or low, shall, without let
or hinderance, claim equal rights-equal rights to all, especially to the
Honest British Working Man.

NOTHING.
I'vE been in the habit of writing for years,
And people my works are polite about,
They say from my verses it plainly appears
I always have something to write about.
In writing of something, though, merit is small
Good subjects engender facility-
And so I tried writing of nothing at all
To prove my transcendent ability.
I started away with a confident trust
Of earning remarks eulogistical;
(Though writing of nothing's an action that must
Appear, in the main, egotistical;)
But soon the conviction invaded my mind,
That fame, I should never be earning it,
For nothing at all" is my theme, and I find
I've nothing to mention concerning it!


ii1rs :0 a CADBURY'S

GOLnEN COATED.
SUITA HANDSESSE
AND ALL WORK. No. 625 G A EEXr 5t00T0, oon C ooLrs U
Over 2O Patterns. COuITD, TO AnTENT C.oneMK wIrn Tm.
Sl 0'0:anS tions n I sOap for an PURE-SOLUBLE-REFBESHImNG.
Mole Wholesale London Aenuts-N. J. rOWELL & Co., 101. Whitechapel,. &AVTION.-1f C thei.sw stin th w UP it prsm s. cadds fotiret.


Ukits

Pai3 le
'As uppled t th

at ESNL
L, AUN-RS.


Printed by JTJDD & CO., Phoeni Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet Street, E.0.-London, February 20, 1878.


[FEB. 20, 1g78.








FaB. 27, 1878.]


FUN.


AN UNEQUAL MATCH.
I MET a damsel in a dream,
With sunny locks-ah, such a gleam!
With eyes that pierced me through and through
At ev'ry glance-ah, such a hue !
In waking hours my dream again
Returns to bring me joy and pain.-
Ah, why was I a lowly churl,
And she the offspring of an Earl ?
I vainly prayed that cruel Fate
Would lift me to some higher state-
Some situation far above
The one in which I nursed my love.
I dared not breathe my love aloud;
His Lordship was austere, and proud.-
Ah, why was I a lowly churl,
And she the offspring of an Earl ?
To share my meek and humble cot
Would scarce have seemed her fitting lot.
Those haughty oligarchs, they say,
Insist on dining ev'ry day.
She might have deemed it infra dig.
To milk my cow or tend my pig.-
Ah, why was I a lowly churl,
And she the offspring of an Earl ?
It would have been my doom, no doubt,
Sometimes to be invited out;
To feast with noblemen, perchance,
Or join a Countess in the dance.
My manly form, I must confess,
Would be at sea in evening dress.-
Ah, why was I a lowly churl,
And she the offspring of an Earl ?
To-night-as bedward I repair,
And slowly scale my garret-stair-
I mean to pray, Oh, Sleep, restore
The dream you gave me once before.
Bring back my love-bring back my prize;
Her form and face, her locks and eyes ;-
Make me the offspring of an Earl,
And her a lowly peasant-girl."

WHAT eminent divine would have made a good
chiropodist f-Dr. Warts.


TRUE LOVE AGAIN I
Mrs. Stodger:-" How BE YOUR WIFE A-GETTIN' ON, MR. HENPECKIN?"
Mr. -f. :-" I BE MOST MORTAL GLAD, MRS. STODGER, TO SAY SHE'S A-
RECOVERIN' very slowly !"


WORDS ON THE PLAYS AND PLAYS ON THE
WORDS.
'ManCAP,' a boufonnerie musical, taken from the French," is the
style and title of the new piece at the Royalty, and it is a matter for
considerable speculation whether the French may not be congratu-
lated on its loss; but if the English version be anything like the
original, it would be scarcely complimentary to the good taste of our
neighbours to assume that its success there warranted its importation
here. The Madcap is a young lady with an avowed liking for "a
man to be a man," who is expelled from school for kissing the music
master, not necessarily a "man in a burlesque, but quite so in this
case. Well, she leaves school much to her delight, and her guardian's
horror, for he has taken unto himself a young wife, and he not un-
reasonably doubts his ability to keep wife and ward in such close
quarters from coming to closer ones. The young wife loves the music
master, a man milliner loves the "Madcap," the music master loves
the wife and the Madcap," and the "Madcap loves them all, which
leads the three gentlemen to dress themselves up in sapeur uniforms,
and upset the furniture for the purpose of "acting" up to the old
saying, Rien n'est sacrs pour le sapeur." However, after plenty of
music and dancing, the piece goes off with a song, and the "Madcap "
with a soldier. Miss Santley, with the longest role, which was fitly
in this case a French one, played with an amount of dash and spirit
which, had she been a widow; might not inaptly have been termed
verve; while Miss Cullen as Nind seconded her efforts in first-rate
style. Mr. Brxgh, as the much embarrassed guardian, was as
humorous as the situations would allow, which is saying a good deal.
The latest novelty at the Strand is an advertisement of Diplo-
macy at the Prince of Wales's, in the shape of a parody styled .Dora
and JDiplunacy. Like most of its kind, the original must be seen before
the Strand version can be appreciated, resulting in the conviction
that it is merely a peg on which to hang some of the happiest, good-
humoured mimicry to be seen in these sad days of the stage's decline.
Miss Venne's caricature .of Mrs. Bancroft's style is great," but it is
almost invidious to single out one when all are so good.


FROM BOHEMIA.
OH, give me me my studio, happy and free,
My paints and my easel and things,
And look in my face if you're anxious to see
The sort of delight that it brings.
And bother the drawing-room's gilded display,-
Its Views and its Sketches by Leech,"
With all of its chairs in a studied array,
And antimacassars for each.
The dining-room isn't so bad, I'll agree,
I dine in it ;-still, when I do,
I have to wear diaper over my knee,-
So bother the dining-room too.
I long for the atmosphere strong with the scent
Of turpss" and "tobacco" and oil,-
I want to build castles, and smoke in content,
With never a curtain to spoil;
The stale baccy fumes that your strictures provoke
To me have a story to tell,
Of many a castle that's ended in smoke
And hopes that are ashes as well;
But bacey and hopes I've in stock, never doubt,
So give me the floor that's unswept,-
And let me have papers all littered about,
And not know where anything's kept !

Not a Hanging Matter.
THE Board of Trade has suspended the certificate of the master of
the schooner Forest Fairy, for culpably colliding with and duly
sinking the ketch Intrepid. We hope no one was drowned; but no
"Jack will be heard of in connection with that ketch" again.

THE WAY OF THE WORLD."-Down the area steps.


VOL. XXVII.


87









F"UN.


[FEB. 27, 1878.


THE PITH OF THE PAPERS.


II.-A SERIES OF EXTRACTS.

FROM THE -TII OF 187--.
THE world will remember we pointed out-
(We needn't the accurate date assign)-
The imminent risk of a waterspout
Occurring this week in the Serpentine :
And, be the prediction absurd or not,
At ten-to-eleven on Sunday night
Our Special Reporter was on the spot,
And very minutely describes the sight:
The column attained at its grandest pitch
Five hundred and seventy feet or so ;
Its summit was luminous-all of which
We fully predicted a year ago.

FROM THE EEK ArrTER.
We're sorry to find we were quite misled
By several journals of note, about
That very preposterous, widely-spread,
Unlikely affair of the "waterspout."
It never would enter the wildest brain
To think the phenomenon named occurred ;
No reasoning person could entertain
A notion so frivolous-wild-absurd !
No possible sign of a waterspout
Could happen-(for Nature forbids it)-so,
A fact we repeatedly pointed out
A year, or a year and a half, ago.

FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR 1877.
We've often foretold (as our readers know)
The fact that the Russians would find their work
In making an even defensive show
Against the aggressive and gory Turk :
The Russian reverses on ev'ry side
Are telling as plainly as facts can speak
That, had they permitted our words to guide,
They might have avoided a costly freak !
Our Government-ever entirely wrong-
Is figuring now as its country's foe :
Our columns, aware of it all along,
Predicted it several years ago.

FROMN THE END or THE YEAR 1877.
Our readers will notice, through thick and thin
We've counsel'd the Government how to act,
Unfailing compliance resulting in
A policy full of the wisest tact.
The world will remember we said the Turk
Must suffer defeat in the direst way ;
Prophetic decision we did not shirk ;
And-what are the obvious facts to-day?-
We never uncertainly change our mind;
We never withdraw an opinion-No,
When anything happens the world will find
We've always predicted it years ago.


FROM FEBRUARY, 1878.
"Lord Derby will follow our sage advice"
(We always predicted), "and won't be rash";
He did, and his policy's wise and nice-
We mean that he didn't, and made a hash.
We said that the Governmenet must resign-
It hasn't, thus proving our words were true-
We mean we predicted its light would shine
Undimmed-and it hasn't; our stated view !
We said that the Cabinet must have been
Mistaken-we mean that it can't be so-
Oh, hang it Whatever we chance to mean,
We know we predicted it years ago I

A LITTLE TOO MUCH OF IT.
THIS is a very wonderful country, and, without doubt and over-
weening self-satisfaction, one may safely say we are the greatest
people in existence. That we stand pre-eminent among the civilised
world for our learning, arts, sciences, and manufactures is a conceded
fact; but the very reason of our state of civilisation being so much
in advance of everybody else's forms a dark cloud on the horizon
of our future which all thinking men must deem as portentous to us
of a great and impending danger. There is nothing education and
civilisation have a greater tendency to beget than casuistry ; and
nothing works greater marvels in subverting the free institutions of
an enlightened country than a too subtle aptitude for determining
between right and wrong. An enterprising tailor of Liverpool,
although specially stating that the wine formed no part of the purchase,
was the other day fined for presenting a bottle of wine to all pur-
chasers of goods to the amount of 20s. and upwards, on the grounds
that the price charged covered the cost of the wine. Of course, such an
ingenious process of reasoning will sign the death-warrant of all
those matter-of-course luncheons given in wholesale houses to large
buyers on the completion of their purchases, the custom of offering
a glass or two of wine to persons when paying their wine merchant's
bills, and such like. In fact, it bids fair to come to this : that any
alcoholic liquors passing between unlicensed persons on the occasion
of a business transaction, will bring down upon the unfortunate
wight who "stands treat" the official-not to say officious -inter-
ferenee of the Excise, followed by a summary conviction from an over-
ciilised Bench. Still, however unpalatable all this may be to some
(supposedly) free and independent Britons, it would be a little less
striking were civilisation to bring consistency in its train. A number
of highly civilised magistrates can refuse a license for music to a
skating rink, on the plea that it will bring together questionable
characters, but have scarcely any hesitation in granting one with
dancing thrown in to a notorious west-end casino. Let us then
by all means, if we must arrive at such a highly-strained pitch
of enlightenment, have at least consistency, which might do a
considerable deal towards aiding the casuistry superinduced by over-
civilisation to nullify its originator. Then, perhaps, we may find the
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals discovering that in
ru.tt'ng, surgeons, watermen, or the Queen's Huntsman to con-
sidersi,! expense and annoyance by vexatious prosecutions for
vivisection, swan-upping, or stag-hunting, it is guilty of so
much cruelty to the animal man; or the Peace at any price
Society beginning to think it hardly acts up to its style when in
excess of zeal it makes a rumpus with every one who may not agree
with it; or the Educational Committees finding that education has a
broader sense than that to which it is now applied-viz., to children
whose parents can mostly afford to pay for their tuition, while the
gutter brats are as badly off as ever. And, perchance, if we go on
like that, we may one day learn that the Society for the Suppression
of Vice, instead of seeing vice in the exhibition of a few photographs,
has come to the conclusion that it is vice in itself to attribute it to
others, and has suppressed itself accordingly.

PRO'S AND CON'S.
WE have now to confront broken promises and torn conventions, to
consider the prospect of increased taxation on property, profits, and
provisions, and we may possibly have to contemplate conscription. To
conceal the profound gravity of the conjuncture would be conduct
provocative of condign condemnation. Should the Conference be con-
vened, and produce conciliatory concessions conducive to concord, then
its protocols would promote contentment and prosperity. But, in the
probable contingency of conspirators conniving at conquest and con-
fiscation, provocation might arise to prosecute a protracted contest,
which would convulse the Continent, and conduce to the total pro-
stration of Constantinople.

RELATIVE BLISS OF LAP-DOGs.-Man never is, but Toby always
blest. (See Pup's works.)








FEB. 27, 1878.] F U N 89


HOW THE AR.WMY WAS MOBILIZED.
iIJ_ -'/7 HE order for mobilization
} had gone forth; and the
J all-important day fixed
for the mustering of our
_x various Army Corps had come.
Excitement, naturally
enough, was everywhere; but
in no town or city in the king-
dom had the long expected
morning been awaited with
S- more loyal anxiety and
t patriotic interest than in the
small but flourishing borough
-of. Yeovil, which had been
S selected by the Horse Guards
asthe mustering place of the
Cavalry Brigade of the Fifth
Army Corps.
The inhabitants were up
betimes, and with one accord
wended their way to the Head
--- Quarters, situated in the out-
'. skirts of the town. Here they
a -S found the permanent staff of
the depot, consisting of a
serjeant-major and two invalided troopers of the First Dragoon
Guards, standing at the gates in full uniform, and engaged in deciding,
by an appeal to the goddess of chance, which of them should mount
the single horse that was fit for duty.
The mayor of the borough, wishing to welcome the incoming troops
with municipal honours, soon arrived on the scene, and though not then
in his robes of office, was received with a cheer by the populace as he
advanced and asked the serjeant-majorif he could see the commanding
officer.
Why, yes," returned the man, "if you can see me, youican; 'cos
I'm him!"
You exclaimed the mayor, "I meant a general,.or someone of
that sort."
Exactly," answered the serjeant-major, "but you, see, there's
none o' the head quarters staff appointed yet, and so at present I'm in
command like."
Oh," ejaculated the chief magistrate of the borough, "I should
not have thought it! However, as you're in command, perhaps you
will tell me when you expect the troops of the cavalry brigade to
arrive ? We are anxious to turn out with the town crier, and the
parish fire-engine, and the aldermen, and so on, to do honour to our
brave horsemen."
"Very kind, I'm sure," returned the sergeant-major, "but the
fact is we've not got any very exact information about anything.
They ought to be here to-day, all of the regiments, but so far all we
know for certain is that the Bridgewater troop of the West Somerset
Yeomanry is coming down by the cheap market train at 12.30."
But, I see," said the mayor, taking an Army List from the beadle
who followed him, and turning to page 109, "that we are to expect
the First and Fourth Dragoon Guards, the Eighth Hussars, a Battery
of Horse Artillery-it doesn't say which, by the way-and the Wilts
and Dorset Yeomanry, in addition to the worthy troopers you named."
"Quite right, Mr. Mayor," replied the sergeant-major, "but you
must remember the reg'lars you named have got a long way to come.
There's the Fourth Dragoon Guards, for instance, they're at Dundalk,
and I had a letter from the colonel last night to say as how he
couldn't possibly get his men and horsess over before next Tooseday
week."
"How would that work in case of invasion? put in the Town-
clerk, in spite of a forbidding frown from his worship, who wished to,:
have all the honour of the conversation.
"That's what I was saying to Private Lannigan here," returned
the serjeant-major, "especially if the enemy had his ships, in the.
Irish Channel."
"Hush! cried the mayor at this point, "surely I hear music on
the wind." And in the excitement of the moment he pronounced it
as the poets do, to rhyme with kind.
And surely enough he did hear it, and military music too, for
shortly after the Dorsetshire Yeomanry, twenty-three strong, in-
cluding the band, rode proudly up amidst loud applause, which caused
the hired horse of the subaltern in command to caracole, and all
but crush the mayor, who had approached him with the best in-
tentions to offer him and his troopers a welcome in the name of the
town.
Scarcely had the populace recovered its equanimity when a post-
office boy rushed up with a telegram for the serjeant-major, which
contained the disappointing news that the Eighth Hussars, on their


way from Aldershot, had forgotten to change at Temple-Combo, and
gone on to Poole by mistake.
By this time the Bridgewater troop was due, and the band of the
Dorset Yeomanry, accompanied by the beadle to show the way,
started for the Station.
Meanwhile, however, the second postal delivery had been made, and
an official communication arrived stating that the Battery of Horse
Artillery attached to the Yeovil Brigade could not come, for the
simple reason that it was not in existence, whilst a letter from the
major-general commanding at Weedon informed the Yeovil com-
mandant (pro tern.), that -the First Dragoon Guards, which had left
Manchester for Yeovil on the previous Friday by road, must have
taken a wrong turning, for up to that time (Thursday night) they had
not reached Gloucester, and that he (the commandant pro tern.) had
better complete his.-mobilization without them.
Under these untoward.circumstances the hope of the district now
rested on the yeomanry alone, and when the Dorset band returned
escorting eleven of the Bridgewater troopers, marching two and two,
so far as they would.go, great was the ebullition of feeling.
The next down train brought the drill-sergeant of the Royal Wilts
Yeomanry with the untoward intelligence that, owing to a horse and
cattle show that was then being held at Salisbury, the regiment he
instructed would not mobilize till the following week; and thus, when
night fell upon Yeovil out of the imposing cavalry brigade that should,
by the mobilization order, have been massed within its boundaries, the
only forces on the ground consisted of -
1st Dragoon Guards .. .. 3 Officers and men.
West Somerset Yeomanry .. 11 ,, ,,
Dorset ,, .. 23

Grand Total .. .. 37
It should be added, to be exact, that shortly after 9 p.m. two men
knocked at the mayor's private door and said. they were Army Reserves
come to be mobilized. But, anxious as he was to add to the strength
of the brigade, he had no option, as a magistrate, but to commit them
as drunk and incapable on the spot.
It is to be hoped that this experience of mobilization at Yeovil was
as exceptional as it was unsuccessful. It is to be feared though that
it was not.

CONFUSION !
I WROTE a note an hour ago
To Snip of Piccadilly.
Dear Sir," said I, to dun me so
Is obstinate and silly."
Referring to an old account,
I begged him to be lenient;
For I would pay the small amount
As early as convenient.
I wrote a note an hour ago
To sweet Matilda Marshall;
(To whom, as many of you know,
The bard is very partial.)
I crammed the paper full of love,
Four pages full of passion ;
And cooed like any turtle-dove
In true poetic fashion.
Capricious Fate (who ever gloats
When bards get into messes)
Contrived that these.ipressive notes
Got mixed in theiz.addresses.
Aye, that's the.trouble-there's the rub;
The horrible- suggestion':-
While sweet Matilda, gets a snub,
To, Snip I've popped the question.

To All Whom, it May Concern.
KNow all men by these presents: if you want to assault anyone do it
in Clerkenwell. William Pike has been kicking John Wright, and
half killed him. Bie was subsequently brought up at Clerkenwell
Police-court, beforeMr. Hosack, and fined forty shillings. There is no
getting over this, so.alk-one can do is to hope that the next person
Mr. Pike exercises his boots upon will be Mr. Hosack himself.

O-b-d-ent!
ACTING on instructions, the Russian inspired, journals are preparing
the public mind for vital changes by talking about Czargrad"-
meaning Constantinople. If they were to allude to it as Czargrab,"
it would be a distinction but without much difference. How long
will this grad-ual method of grab-bing take ?

SrELL Malt Liquors in two letters.-B R.







FUN.


[FEB. 27, 1878.


THE BRITISH WORKMAN.-PHASE NO. XVII. HIS BORROWING PROCLIVITIES. (BY A SUFFERER.)


, There was a Carpentering Amateur who took a great pride in his tools.


And one day he went out and left them unprotected.
J111111 111 J))! !W Io V


And there came to the house a Workman who had been "I say," he said to the cook, I've bin an' forgot to bring some o' my tools; I s'pose you
ordered to do a job. ain't got any in the housee to lend me?" Oh, yes I" said the cook; "master's very
proud of his tools-he'll be glad to lend 'em, I'm sure. I'll show you where they are."


Idi

I I I b











Then the Amateur came home again, joying that he was about to rejoin his tools.


But there were some of 'em he could never never re-join.


90







FUT N .--FEBRUARY 27, 1878.


THE RUSSIAN BEAR-GLARS ON THEIR KEY-HOLY MISSION.
Gortsehy :-" IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR, PLEASE SIR; OUR INTENTIONS IS STRICTLY 'OLY AND HONOURABLE ON THIS 'ERE CONSTANTINOPLE LAY.'
P.C. Beaconsfield:-" OH, INDEED, ARE THEY P JUST YOU MOVE ON, OR COME ALONG WITH MB TO THE CONFERENCE POLICE COURT."








FEB. 27, 1878.]


FUN.


ODD ITEMS.

CRUSHING OUT FRAUD.
[JUSTICE, in going his rounds to put things straight, comes upon a most
poverty-stricken and insignificant shop.]
JUSTICE. Now, here's a small tradesman; suppose we begin by
seeing whether he's honest or not, this morning. (Goes in and buys a
pound of something, takes it home, weighs it, and finds it a quarter of a
pound short.) Now, I cannot understand the short-sightedness of this
small tradesman! He must know that the fines he will have to pay
for giving short weight will more than cover the profits he makes by
his dishonesty; and yet he is silly enough to go on in his blind way.
I am determined to stamp out this sort of thing once for all, and show **


him that his interest lies in honesty. (JUSTICE seizes the dishonest
TRADEs.xN and fines him one pound; but somehow the dishonest TRADES-
MAN appears in no way disheartened, but pays the fine smilingly.)
JUSTICE (to himself). This mask of happiness serves but to conceal
his mortification It is a severe lesson, but he will now see that
honesty is indeed the best policy, and become a reformed man.
*
(Some time has elapsed, and JUsrlICE, again on his rounds, thinks once
more of the fined TRADESMAX.)
JUSTICE. Why, his little dirty shop is shut up. Then the fine has
ruined him Well, it is severe, but I sutppose it serves him right.
Now, here is a far more pretentious shop, with vast expanses of plate
glass and a great store within. Let us go in and see whether this
more affluent tradesman is also dishonest. (He enters the shop, and
recognizes behind the counter the TRADESMAN whom he fined.) Well, I am
glad to see this; evidently he has taken warning from the fine,
mended his ways, and prospered. I wager, now, that if I purchase a
pound of anything of him I shall find it no fraction short. (He pur-
chases a pound of something, takes it home, weighs it, and finds it half a
pound short.)
JUSTICE. Why, this is very strange I cannot, cannot fathom it!
But I am determined to stamp out this sort of thing once for all !
(JUSTICE again seizes the dishonest TRADESMAN and fines him, this
time, two pounds; but, strange to say, the TRADESMAN again pays his
fine with a happiness which almost tells of triumph.)
THE TRADESMAN (in his counting house, more time having elapsed).
Now, let me see. I have been fined two pounds weekly for fraud;
while, on the other hand, I have gained twenty pounds weekly by fraud.
Let all but continue to go well, and ere long I shall be a wealthy man.

(More time has elapsed, and JU-STICE, once more on his rounds, against
remembers the fined TRADESMAN.)
JUSTICE. I must continue to keep my eye upon this man, that I
may show him how fraud, crushed at the end, crawls grovelling to
the feet of honesty to beg a crust. By his shop is again shut
up. Then he has at length found himself unable to carry on his
struggles against Justice. But whose mansion have we here ? Who
is this, who, clad in fine raiment, steps into this imposing carriage?
Can it indeed be the dishonest tradesman whom -- ?
(As JUSTICE speaks, the carriage clashes by, bespattering him with
mud; while the retired TRADESMAN, thrusting his head from the widow,
laughs mockingly, and is whirled anwayfrom his grasp.)

OLD-ESTABLISHED CRUELTY.
(As JUSTICE, brooding on his recent failure, still goes wearily on his
rounds, he comes upon a man who beats his wife with a poker.)
JUSTICE. Hold! Here is a phase of crime at least which I can
stamp out, and will. Put down this dastardly poker, and yield !
THE WIFE-BEATEn. And why ?
JUSTICE. Because you practise cruelty, which is punishable by
law


THE WIr-BEEATER. Yet swan-hopping is cruelty, and was not
punishable by law!
JUSTICE. No. That was a cruelty which had existed for centuries.
THE WIFE-BEATER. And so is this !
(JUSTICE retires, beaten, from the argument, while there crowd around
and jeer him endless legions of wife-beaters, horse-torturers, eock-fghters,
and kindred spirits.)

GOVERNMENT BY TRADES-UNION.
Place : Nottingham.
An EMPLOYER OF LABOUR (to His AFFIACvr D). I have but ones s-
giving, my own; but it is a serious one-the Great Trades-lsifaon
may forbid our marriage Should my plumbers take a dislike to
you, or our slaters object to the way in which your hair is done -
Hais AFFIANCED. Oh, William, I will be very, very careful xiat: to
,offend them; I will do my hair in any way the slaters may wish ;.,and
I believe I have already half won the favour.of three labourers in your
employ, for they smiled upon me and said, "Whoa, Emma! as I
passed.
TaHE EMPLOYER OF L. Yet we must net be too sanguin%. any
love. I will first ask permission of my Foreman of Plasterers (whao is
not.a hard man, and has much influence -with the Union) to present
you to him; and should he approve of you, I will beg his inte e$eion
with that power. Come. (They wait upon the T o"xMiA or BEes-
TERERS. He hears their errand.)












THE FOREMAN. First and foremost, looked, this girl is too fair for
my liking-I love dark girls; but I will not be hard, and I daresay
that, as I have the ear of the Union-a twenty-pound note-geod
(He goes to the Union, while THE EMPLOYER and His AFFIANCED Wcait in
agonised suspense Then THE FOREMAN returns.)
THE EMPLOYER OF L. Oh, do not keep us longer in suspense !
Say-has the Union consented to ?
THE FOREMAN. A ten-pound note-good! The Union is great
and good. But it was at first bent upon your wedding with the sister
of our head plumber; however, I interceded warmly for this girl of
yours, and it has given its consent -
THE EMPLOYER OF L. and His AFFIANCED (together). Oh, happi-
ness too great !
THE FOREMAN. But there are conditions! You must allow the
head plumber one hundred pounds a year as compensation for his
disappointment; you must pay one thousand pounds towards the
expenses of the Union; and you must give your workmen, one and
all, three months' holiday to celebrate the occasion, allowing them the
while double wages and their beer!
THE EMPLOYER OF L. (joyfully). Oh, too willingly! Come, my
own ; the Union is too gracious We are happy !

"WHAT THEY DO WITH IT."
WHENE'ER you take your walks abroad,
See many poor you may,
Who beg the bread of Charity
And throw it all away."

EVEN in Summer's robe there are tares.








. FUN.


[FEE. 27, 1878.


A WEIGHTY MATTER.
Placid Daughter:-" OUR STAY AT UNCLE'S HAS BEEN DELIGHTFUL, PA.
MA HAS LOST JUST FIFTEEN POUNDS!"
Irate Pa:-" FIFTEEN POUNDS! How WRONG SHE KNOWS WE CANNOT
AFFORD TO LOSE ANYTHING."
P. D. :-"I MEAN FIFTEEN POUNDS IN WEIGHT, PA, AND IT WAS all her
own, so IT won't come off you."

Hunting in Sport, Killing in Earnest.
LAST week it was reported that Her Majesty's stag hounds met at Gerrard's
Cross. A FAVOURITE stay was uncarted, and after running was literally torn
to death by the hounds." This might be sport for the hunters and hounds,
but it was no joke for the stag. If "a favourite" may be so treated with
impunity, subscriptions to the Society for the Suppression of Cruelty to
Animals should grow "small by degrees and beautifully less," and we should
hold our tongues about atrocities.

Present-Arms "
A TELEGRAM from Rome gives the following:-" In compliance with the
request of Queen Victoria, General Della Rocca has been charged to present
to Her Majesty a souvenir of the late King Victor Emmanuel. A 100-ton
gun was successfully cast yesterday at the arsenal of Turin." If, as the com-
bination might convey, the gun has any relation to the present, it may possibly,
in the face of events, prove a very useful one in the future.

Another "Lap "-land.
WE are able to assure the few friends we have among the Permissives
that Mr. Parker Gillmore's new book, The Great Thirst Land," contains
no allusions to this country, but is the narrative of a ride through Natal and
the Transvaal, and is anything but dry !

Removals in Town.
LONDON was doubtless greatly startled to find Temple Bar had gone at last,
but it was nothing to the surprise it felt some time ago on discovering that
the Adelphi Terriss had been removed to Drury Lane.

A HAT BAND.-One that sends round the hat after the performance.


THE BAFFLED QUESTS.
TWENT a-strolling round about
With careless steps and aimless stops,
And lazily a-picking out
The reading up above the shops;
And then I went and idly paid
A visit to the Underground,"
And fell a-reading all the trade
Advertisements which so abound.
And then I supped-(It would beseem
My hungered state to sup, I deemed)-
And then I went and dreamed a dream,
And here's the dream I went and dreamed.
I dreamed I was a gallant knight
(My bosom felt no inward quails-
I knew I must come out all right,
From reading many fairy-tales).
I dreamed my lady bade me find-
By way of trying quest, I mean-
A tradesman lacking any kind
Of vague Appointment to the Queen."
His board, she said, must not contain,
With gaily gilded turns and tails,
The legend, To the King of Spain "-
"The House of Lords "-"The Prince of Wales."
The tradesman whom she bade me find
His simple course would have to run
As un-" appointed as the wind
To any high and mighty one.
I sought in dirty places where
The shops were sadly small and mean,
But all the little tradesmen there
Were By appointment to the Queen."
One gets astounded at the hosts
Of special folks our Lady keeps
To fill the all-important posts
Of tripe-and-trotter-men and sweeps !
Who tries to count the cobblers, slops,"
And tinkers by appointment," tires;
And what a lot of butter shops
Her Majesty the Queen requires I
I went to her I hope to wed
With desperation in my breast:
"Do pray be good enough," I said,
To find me any other quest! "
She bade me find, with more avail
(In kind and generous accord),
A single article for sale
Which had not won a prize award.
'Twas then I noticed how the bright
And burnished golden medal flings
Its glory over what we might
Consider unimportant things:
'Twas then I saw that halves of bricks,
And orange-peel and mutton-pies,
And whipping-tops and sugar-sticks,
Had each received the golden prize.
I saw the Famous Raisin-Skin,
To which the golden medal fell
At Paris, Petersburg, Berlin,
Jerusalem, and Camberwell.
I saw the Patent Butter-pat
Which gained such high distinction through
Its honourable mention at
Sebastopol and Timbuctoo.
I saw the Patent Button-hole,
Which shows its medals heaped in piles,
And got commended at the Pole
And in the South Pacific Isles.
I saw it proved beyond a doubt
That ev'ry pen and ev'ry lip
Is wild with eulogies about
The Hundred-Medal Apple-Pip.
I saw, with sinking heart, that not
An article can be obtained
On which a most surprising lot
Of Golden Medals hasn't rained;
And, bearing underneath my vest
A heart that, throbbing, nearly broke,
I rendered up my hopeless quest
And her I hoped to wed; and woke.








FEBi. 27, 1878.]


FUN


DOTS BY THE WAY.

THE END OF THE FIGHT.
_" OW that we hear the battle fierce is done ;-
-'' The sword is sheathed, the cannon cease
) their roar,
'. ',, The Russian host great victory has won,
Th eAnd Turkey's banner floats aloft no more.
The gallant Osman prisoner of the foe,
". And with him all the hardy braves he led,
t I Here grinding famine, bitter wail and woe,
Where heroes fought, and heroes' blood was
shed.

Now all the fighting o'er, and Russia holds
/ The field as master of the conquered land,
We ask what will the present state unfold,
Or how the promise with the acts do stand ?
Did not the Czar proclaim his only aim
Was to protect the crushed and beaten
down ?
It never was nor could be in the game
To add new kingdoms to his holy crown.

Is this, which he-with solemn vow did say,
-^ The plan that's now laid down when fight-
ing's o'er;
Will he retire and take his troops away
From out the land, and quiet peace restore ?
No,. no the mask has fallen from his face,
The thing he set his heart upon is plain;
'Twas but to smite and eke subdue the race,
And take their land now cumbered with the slain.
Through province after province march they on,
And leave broad banners proudly floating there
O'er fair, bright fields. Now all their beauty gone,
The homes in ruin and the orchard bare,
Bleak desolation marks their onward way,
The peasants flying to the crowded town ;


There seeking shelter from a ruthless sway,
And succour from hard fortune's bitter frown.
Alas, alas' for thee,-Poor beaten foe !
Faint chance that happy days thou e'er shalt see,-
Down, crushed and conquered, to the galleys go,
For Turkey shall another Poland be.
0 cruel war !-0 base and wicked wrong,
To strike the weaker down for greedy gain;-
The brave bold few are beaten by the strong,
But victory will not wipe away the stain.

Women's Wrongs.
THE directors of the Royal Aquarium have announced a grand
fancy dress ball .to be given to the "fellows of that institution.
This is rather.hard on the ladies, but still .harder on the fellows."
Ladies often do dance together, some of them like it-so they say.
Perhaps they do, but we are pretty sure-the fellows have no inclina-
tions that way. A man who knows a chap,-who knows a cove, who.
knows a fellow, says the other fellow says he won't go.

'Ere's-a Roumer !
:TEEGRAMS from the seat of war in Asia inform us that inhspite of
:the .peace negotiations, the Russians are determined now..they have
taken Erzeroum to subject it to -threeBdays' pillage, as inithe case of
KKars. Why they. did not put.the property found there upnto auction,
as our railway companies do here with the things they find in cars,
we can't imagine.
Bilkstiekers, Beware!
'WHAT are Bills-tickers ?-Gentlemen who take their own time
in paying their accounts, butwoulcd:have a decided objection.,to being
posted themselves.

Recently-Discoveredil Historical Fact.
WHILST an inmate of the cowherd's cottage, King Alfred fought
the battle of Bannockburn.

SWELL VEGETABLES.-The buckbean and the dandelion.


A Monumental Jl
Earn.
ALFRED HENRY
MONUMENT has got
himself into trouble
through setting fire
to some houses at
Hammer smith h.
Herostratos burnt -. ..
the Temple of Diana "
at Ephesus for the
sake of perpetuating
his name, but Alfred
did what he did to rn'
earn the alarmer's
reward of half-a-
erown, as he hashad
alreadyseveral meonu-
menits raised to him
in the shape of a
young family.

Unreasonable.
THEnE is abso-
lutely no foundation
for the report now
being circulated that
Professor Max Mill-
ler's paper on The I
Origin of Reason,"
in this month's Con-
temporary Review, is
to be succeeded by .
one from Professor
Darwin on ".The
Reason of Origin." O V ER DO NE !
Old Lady :-" AND.MAY IASK WHY YOUE, ARE LEAVING YOU .PRESENT PLACE F"
Extinctus amajtur Applicant (with indignatioj):-" WELL, 31EM, MRS. FERRET. WOULD COME INTO my
idem.-Can this be KITC REN, WHICH iS A LIBERTY AS NO RESPECTABLE PERSON COULD PUT UP WITH."
said of a blown-out Lady. "INDEED! THEN -AS, 10GO INTO MY KITCHEN WHENEVER I CHOOSE, WE NEED SAY
tallow candle ? .NO MORE. You WILL NOT SUIT ME."


The Confidence
Trick.
SeI STAFFORD
NORTHCOTE, in his
speech during the
preliminary debate
on the supplemental
vote, stated that on
the occasion of the
adjourned discussion
what would be asked
for would be not
a vote of credit only,
but a vote of con-
fidence." What
credit is but confi-
dence, or confidence
but credit, we can-
not credit. This is
in confidence.

Pacta Conventa.
A GENTLEMAN
wrote to the Times a
short time ago alleg-
ing that the Conser-
vative meeting at
the Corn Exchange
was a packed "
one. Its conveners
retort they invited
him to attend, but
he declined. And
wisely, too, for if it
were packed how
could'ho have got ,
,in

CAN the Spanish
Catchfly secure an ,
, English, cab ,.


4






96 F U N [FEB. 27, 1878.

































"MEET SYMPATHY."
Hard-riding Young Lady :-" Goon MORNING, CAPTAIN SMASHER! WHERE'S MR. DASHER?"
Captain Smasher :-" On, HE'S AT THE BARRACKS, POOR FELLOW! BROKE HIS COLLAR BONE AT A DOUBLE ON TUESDAY "
H. Y. L. :-" MISS ONE OF THE BEST MEETS WE HAVE FOR that!"

Caught on the Hop." "THIS COMETH AFTER."
THE Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has decided WHO can disclose the griefs and woes,
to prosecute sundry watermen for their participation in that odious The folly who can utter,
practice of swan-hopping, or, as the society incorruptibly terms it, Of he who rose and squared his toes,
swan-upping. Instead of going out of its way to find these Thames And spurned his bread-and-butter ?
atrocities, might we suggest its looking nearer home ? Many horrible
cruelties are perpetrated every day without let or hinderance, simply, Facig it.
one must suppose, because they have become, so to speak, institutions, TFacing it.
though for the matter of that so has swan-hopping, we mean swan- THERE was a bal masque at the Berlin Opera House the other night
upping. Mr. Colam would do well to turn his attention to the when all the Court went. Prince Bismarck had to go, much against his
Hanging" Committee of the Royal Academy and the daily practice inclination, no doubt. We trust, however, it being a masked ball he
here of word-torturing," "straining one's relations, pinning put the best face on the matter.
one's faith to persons, quartering" someone's arms, axing some-
one's pardon, "cramming" a student A la Strasbourg, "standing" Paradox.
on one's head, "whipping" cream, "murdering" Shakespeare, There is a plant which has root, stem, leaves, and flowers, and yet
"breaking" a butterfly, outraging decency, curing a patient, it is Allseed.
"stilling conscience, "violating" an agreement, "cutting" an
acquaintance, "striking" a bargain, &c., &c. And perhaps he has Military Mem.
never heard of "riding a hobby to death." WHAT flower is emblematic of trooping the colours ?-The Standard
MARK ANTONY ON PRIVY COUNCILLORS.-" So are they all right
honourable men." Ex OFFICIO Freemen of the Cook's Company.-Policemen.

An THE BEST FOOD
THE FACULTY RECOMMEND I
CHAPMAN'S C S
Entire Wheat Flour.
THOROUGHLY COOKED. I.I RA1.
PERFECTLY DIGESTI BLE. rounded by a n roees.-Ask your
Wtmine for a SixpennyAssdTted Sample Box and
1 HIGHLY ,TSITIOUS V PURE-SOLUBLE-REFSSH G. ms pattern bt s.uited to your hand.
RICH IN PHOUPHATES. ~AUTON.-ZfCsuesdikw'iUsoitesroum9lad fsie h. Wor, EBnIaxNaMtm
rated by JUDD & CO., Iahniz Works, St. Andrew's4Ell, DoetSmr Oommona. and Publishe (fer the ProprietoW) at 258, Fleet Street, 3E.C-Lo4nn, February 27, 1878.








MARCH 6, 1878.] 97


WATERLOO
GOSSIP.
THE results of the
running for the Water-
loo Cup are before us,
and present some very
curious but interest-
ing features. We find,
on looking over the
first list of courses,
that Whistling Duck
beat Early Morn. We
have heard of the bird
who, by getting up
very early, took the
worm at a disadvan-
tage, but we never
heard before of a bird
who got the best of the
morn itself. That
duck must be an un-
commonly early
species of fowl. Fur-
ther on we read that
Madam beat the Re-
gistrar General, and
wonder if she was
Mrs. R. G., and what
the Registrar had done
to offend her. That
Kilkenny should beat
Highland Whisky
must have sorely ex-
ercised the Scottish
coursers ; but to us it
seems inexplicable. To
our taste Highland
Whisky cannot be
beaten, not even by
Dublin, let alone Kil-
kenny. Handicraft's"
beating Hornpipe was
quite as it should be--
a good, useful handi-
craft being better any
day than any kind of
jig; neither is it sur-
prising that Zazel
should beat Poacher,
seeing that no poacher,
however handy with
his gun, ever suc-
ceeded in bringing
down the house like
the Aquarium heroine.
Czarevna beat Con-
ster, no doubt to the
Consternation of his
backers, who laid odds
on him for the course ;


(__~:z~-

~- ~ ~.z'


PHYSIC-ALL PAIN.
Doctor :-" WHAT, YOUR MOTHER WORSE WELL, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. HASN'T
SHE USED THAT LARGE BLISTER I SENT ?"
Child :-" OH YUS, SIR; BUT IT TOOK HER A RARE LONG TIME FUR TO EAT IT ALL,
AND SHE SAYS IT DON'T SEEM TO GET NO FURDERER THAN HER CHEST."


A PRIME MINISTER.
RONDEAU.
To make appear that wrong is right-
To demonstrate that black is white--
To dictate to a servile band,
Deep things they need not understand,
But must accept as Wisdom's light!
This is thy course !-In prostrate plight
Thy vassals wait to fly or fight
The ghosts it suits thy ruling hand
To make appear!
But o'er thy day has come a night
Of crowned eclipse! Thy soaring flight
Of vanity had deemed it grand
To make an Empress of the land ;
Yet stooped on Self-from dizzy height-
To make a Peer.

Quod erat Demon-strandum.
WHAT woman's ghost is it that goes about doing incalculable mis-
chief in the world and the church ?-The spirit of Ann Tagonism.


but presently we are
told that his Victress
sustained defeat from
Nuphar, which we
take leave to doubt.
We know only one that
can beat the beautiful
Czarevna her own
peerless sister of
Wales. Corporal Ma-
jor's beating Suttler
was quite on the cards
too; the winner of this
course was not men-
tioned in the betting,
a clear proof of his
being a non-conumis-
sioned officer. To say
that Zazel beat Rival
Belle is only to admit
that the Championess
of the lightning
flight" is without a
rival, and yet she found
one at Waterloo, being
put out in the last
round by Coomassie.
The ultimate, and dual,
Victress, we learn, ii
a daughter of Cele-
brated and Queen. We
don't know what her
sire was celebrated for.
or of what her damn
was queen, but it is
clear that their off-
spring unites in her-
self the names of both
her parents. Cele-
brated in coursing
annals as the winner
of two Waterloo Cups,
she must be honoured
as a very Queen of the
leash. Coomassie, we
find, has won some five
and twenty courses,
and has never known
defeat. She never
shows her game or her
adversaries the least
"massy," and as for
her hares she makes
of them so many
" (h)arey nothings."
When they see her
comingn" they say,
" Massie on us but
they don't get any,
poor things.


History Repeats Itself.
A BELGIAN lady, famed for her vegetables, was one day proudly
showing her cabbage-garden to a neighbour. Corn6lie said nothing
until she saw her little boys returning from school. Beckoning them
to her, she then exclaimed as proudly, These are my Brussels
sprouts."
A STRANGE MEETING, OF COURSE.-In an account of a recent
coursing meeting we read that Jack-o'-the-Green beat Little Rose,
Polecat successfully defied True Analysis, Popgun defeated the
Belgian Agent, Brevet-Major triumphed over Bad Opinion, Shortest
Route beat the Steampacket, and Pocket Edition beat the Baby. Border
Beauty was drawn lame"-bad taste, we think, on the part of the artist.
INEQUALITY OF THE ENGLISH LAw.-If the doorkeeper of a work-
house strikes a pauper, the poor man is not allowed to tap the
workhouse porter.
A PICKPOCKET writes to inquire whether making abstracts of contents
be not a perfectly legitimate occupation.
SPELLING REFORM. Begin with the alphabet. At first starting it
is mendacious and ungrammatical-A be C.
A CAUTION FOR Cooxs.-Before you collar eels, take care that the
fishmonger isn't looking.


VOL. XXV11.









FUNlo


[MARCH 6, 1878.


ODD ITEMS.

WAR PREPARATIONS IN GREAT BRITAIN.
p R. REETHER
AYLING, a
,' private gentle-
= -s = ( t_ *? man, a short time
ago unwittingly
0- brought down upon
<-^ --- himself the universal
-- contempt of his
*friends and acquaint-
~- ances by hastening
away to the seaside
on hearing it men-
tioned that in the
event of England's
declaring war a
y general conscription
might result. It be-
came unanimously
agreed among them that his visit to the seaport was merely a preparation
for instant flight across the Channel should the conscription be actually
proclaimed. Mr. Ayling was, therefore, cut on all sides, and became an
object of loathing even to his tradespeople, who had no hesitation in
openly insulting him wherever he Went. This painful state of things
has, at length, suddenly come to a close. Only yesterday it was dis-
covered that (so far from harbouring any intentions of robbing the
British Army of his services) Mr. Reether Ayling had actually gone
down to the seaside TO RECRUIT! He has received an autograph
letter of thanks from the Secretary for War.

A strange case of taci-
turnity has just come to \
light. Major A-- and
Colonel B-- both of
the -th Regiment, lately
entered the same railway
carriage on a journey to
C- It was observed
that they travelled, with- \
out exchanging a word, as f: -,j ,'
far as D- (a distance
of two hundred and
fifty-seven miles). Here -
a collision occurred, and
the two officers were thrown side by side into a dry ditch, where
they remained for seven hours without making a single remark to one
another. At the end of this time they were found, and, as each had
received some slight injuries, conveyed to the Seven Sleepers Rail-
way Inn," where they were placed in the same room. Here they
remained in bed for six weeks, during which time not a syllable
passed between them, although they were utterly at a loss for occupa-
tion ; and they afterwards proceeded in the same carriage to the same
destination, where they have taken one single-bedded room, and (in
consequence of the loss of their luggage in the collision) have but one
suit of clothes between them; yet they have not yet spoken to one
another. No surprise will, however, be felt at the occurrence when it
is explained that they are engaged in keeping up the Army
Reserve.

So general is the warlike feeling all over the country that it has
taken a practical form among the tradespeople. A gentleman having
ordered a handsome dinner
S find on its arrival at his
house that more than two-
thirds of the pieces were
missing; having appealed
in vain to the vendor, he
was at length compelled
to seek the aid of the law.
But the summons was at
once dismissed on the
S defendant explaining to
t io magistrate the ad-
vantages of the SnoRT SERVICE SYSTEM."

HEALTH-GIVING EXERCISE.
Another curious case comes to us from the Courts. A master
builder was charged last week with violently assaulting one of his
workmen. The prisoner said that in committing the assault he had
merely been indulging in healthy exercise; and, on the magistrate's
inquiring what he meant, he hastened to explain that he had


only been Going for" a Scamper.
discharged.


The prisoner was at once


"TIME! TIME!"
A WEARY, dreary lot is mine-a weary, dreary life.-
I wage against my destiny a long and bitter strife.
By day and night (though vainly quite) the contest I renew.-
Ah me, that I was ever born a clock of ormolu !
Before a lordly looking-glass, above a pleasant fire,
Iplymy task. What more," you ask, would any clock desire? "-
Away, away No flesh and blood can properly divine
This tedious, dull monotony that seems for ever mine.
When I was young and innocent I fancied it sublime
To mark each flying footstep of that grand old fellow, Time.
Like any proper boy or girl who learns the letters through,
I did my duty gallantly-for just a year or two.
The time appears a century We clocks grow very fast.
My baby days are over, and my boyish ones are past.
As model of propriety I've acted pretty long;
But now, I own, I should so like-to go a little wrong!
Oh, if my key were only lost, and I could have my way !-
I'd never be correct again throughout the merry day.
Like any decent horologe I'd never deign to go,
But always be a little fast or else a little slow.
And I would play old gooseberry with men I didn't like;
And when it was no hour at all I'd always give a strike.
When anybody put me right, I'd get so wrong again
That nobody should ever be in time for any train.
My master is a flighty chap-well known about the town;
He treats me very kindly, but he hates my running-down.
And, while he winds me up again, I murmur with a groan:
"You're fond enough of rest yourself. Do let your clock alone "
He studies metaphysics, and occasionally sends
Nocturnal invitations to his philosophic friends.
I listen while they try to prove the Freedom of the Will;
Yet, though I strive, I can't contrive to keep one second still.
I've known such gay and giddy clocks-I recollect them now-
Brimful of mirth and merriment they went on anyhow;
As though it mattered not a jot how ill a clock behaves,
So long as it can only quote that Time was made for slaves! "
I envy them their liberty; I pine beneath my chains.
The true Bohemian devilry is running through my veins.
Oh, for a single wicked hour !-Pray grant me, Fate, the boon
Of striking one while yonder Sun proclaims the hour of noon !

EXPERIENTIA DOCET.
A FARCE FOR MANAGERS.
SCENE.-A fashionable Dripery Establishment at the West-end. As it
opens a SHOP-WALKER is discovered, washing his hands with invisible soap
in imperceptible water. To him enters a LADY.
HOP-WALKER (bowing low). And
what may it be that madam re-
quires ?
LADY. I wish to see some huckaback.
4 S. W. Certainly. I will conduct you
to our huckaback department. But first
I must beg madam to remove her bonnet,
and leave it at the counter to the left.
LADY. Leave my bonnet! Ridiculous!
SWhat do you mean ?
S. W. It is the rule of the house,
madam. No lady is allowed to look at
huckaback with her bonnet on. But I
assure you great care will be taken of
yours, and we charge but sixpence for
retaining it till you return.
LADY. What an absurdity! And to
have to pay you, too, for looking after what I prefer to keep It's








MARCH 6, 1878.]


FUN.


extortion, that's what it is. Just as if I could look out my hucka-
back better without my bonnet. I shall not take it off !
S. W. (politely, but firmly). Then I much regret to say, madam,
it is impossible to let you proceed to buy our goods. (Opens door.)
LADY (aside). How provoking! Yet I must get this huckaback at
once, that is certain. (To SHOP-WALKER.) It happens I am in imme-
diate need of the article I named, so I must this time submit to
your stupid rule. (Gives him her bonnet.) Now, may I see the
huckaback?
S. W. This way, madam. (le leads her to the huckaback counter.)
Mr. Jones, please attend to this lady. (Exit SHOP-WALKER.
Mr. JONES. 'Uckaback, madam ? Certainly. Pray take a seat.
LADY (sitting down). These chairs arc particularly high. But I see
you have footstools yonder; I should like one, if you please.
Mir. J. Jest so, madam. (Fetches stool.) Our charge for foot-
stools is sixpence, an' you use them as long as you like.
LADY. Another charge This is preposterous! I come to spend
my money with you, and yet you seem determined to send me away
in disgust.
Mr. J. Very sorry, madam; but it's the rule of the house .
LADY (aside). How annoying that I am so pushed for time. (To
Mr. J.) There! put the stool down, and show me the huckaback, do!
M:. J. (showing apiece). That's a fine quality, madam !
LADY (examining it). Yes, it seems stout. What is it a yard ?
Mr. J. (shouting to boy in distance). 'Enery, 'Enery, bring the
lady a price-list.
LADY. I ask you what this is by the yard.
Mr. J. One moment, mem. Our price-list will give full par-
ticklers; only tuppence each, scented and all.
LADY. Oh, this is becoming too dreadful! Surely it is not
unreasonable to expect you to furnish customers with information
about what they buy of you ?
Mr. J. (offering a list). It's all here, madam. 'Uckaback you'll
find on page 3 ; but the charge of tuppence is the rule of the house ,
I assure you.
LADY (angrily throwing down some change). Now, perhaps, I may be
able to get my huckaback. What number is it ? (Looks at list.)
Mr. J. Number 102 Hay, madam.
LADY. A shilling a yard, I see.
Mr. J. Jest so.
(As the LADY rises to inspect the material more closely, a servant bearing
a tray, on which are three pickled walnuts and on Abernethy biscuit,
pushes rudely between her and the counter, treading on her toes,
upsetting the pickle vinegar on her dress, and shouting loudly in her
face, Any pickles or biscuits ? Any pickles or biscuits ? ")
LADY. This is insufferable Whatever does it mean, sir ?
Mr. J. It's the rule of the house madam. We always send round
refreshments for customers. Will you take an Abernethy; only
sixpence ?
LADY. Certainly not. Give me six yards of this huckaback, and
let me be gone!
Mr. J. (measuring it out). No offence, madam; but I hope you'll
not forget me.
LADY (emphatically). That I shall not, I promise you.
Mr. J. The price of the lists is tuppence ; but anything customers
likes to add goes into our pockets.
LADY. More extortion, I declare (Gives money.)
Mr. J. Thank you, madam; I'll take the parcel out for you.
(Leads the way to the door, where SHOP-WALKER is watching.)
SHOP-WALKER (giving bonnet). Sixpence is the regular charge,
madam ; but I get nothing out of it.
LADY (laughing ironically). This is indeed an admirable way of
doing business Who's the next beggar ? (Gives money.)
S. W. The errand boy is not here at this moment, madam; but if
you'll leave the parcel he shall bring it you, and then -
LARY (interrupting), I can give him sixpence, too. Exactly!
Unfortunately I cannot wait his convenience, however. Good day ;
and you may be sure you will never see me in the shop again.
S. W. Good day, madam. It's only the rule of the house I
assure you.
LADY. Then it's quite time such ridiculous and offensive rules were
altered. [Exit the LADy.
CUR-TAIK.
BY WAY OF EPILOGUo.-We need scarcely point out that the rules
the LADY complained of so strongly are in force in the majority of
our theatres; and it is difficult to see why the draper has not an equal
right with the theatrical lessee to levy numerous petty and vexatious
taxes on his customers. That the draper does not claim to exercise
that right, however, is one of the reasons, perhaps, why he makes his
fortune so much more frequently than the theatrical lessee.

Positive and Comparative.
OUn butterman's leading article is Dosset," but Coomassie's
mutton purveyor is Dos.etor. Fact.


A TALE OF THE DARDANELLES.
BY A MAN-O'-WAR'S MAX.

T might have been ten years
about-
(I s'pose the log-book tells)-
We'd been a-steaming in and
out
Among them Dardanelles;
Long since the Admiralty said,
S- "0, Admiral," said they,
"We ain't got no advice to

rB No orders to convey ;
''Lf So what you fancies best, do so;
< S Our hands of the job we rinse."
S. '" This here was some ten years
ago-
S" And we ain't heered from them
since!
The Admiral he came to me
And sadly scratched his head:
"I'm puzzled, Bill," he said, said he :
What's your advice ? he said;
So I gives a most reflectful frown,
And hits on a mental spark:
"We'd best keep steamin' up an' down ",-
That 'ere was my remark.
Then the Admiral breathed a bad, bad word
As he heered a grating sound,
For this was the hundred-and-fifty-third
Of the times we had run aground.
The Admiral eyed the rolling sea
With his fingers intertwined,
As if engaged on a something he
Was trying to bring to mind.
Said he, "If I remember right,
When years ago we came
To waste our labours day and night
On this here cruising game,
I heered some talk of lots of work
To cheer and entertain,
A fighting the Roossian or else the Turk-
We're a-running aground again !
"I'd gladly give my ears and hair
To hear some news about
That awful Russo-Turk affair,
And if they've fought it out!
But when I up and ask direct,
The Admiralty say:
They really didn't recollect
They'd sent a fleet this way.'
I hate with hatred quite sublime
This cruising round and round-
This here's the hundred-and-ninetieth time
We've been and we've gone aground "
We knowed the old familiar shore
Of the Dardanelles by heart,
From being aground a week or more
On every single part:
I wery often ponder how
We knowed each point and bay-
For we ran aground more frequent now,
Say fifteen times a day;
Till the sailing-master banged his head-
To keep her off the shore
Is a wain an' 'opeless task," he said,
And I will not try no more "
Then the Admiral said, This vessel of mine
Is beautiful and grand,
But her natteral tendencies incline
To a life on the solid land ;
On the wery next spot where she grounds, I swear,
I'll cut this joking short,
And leave her a-standing proudly there,
And she'll make sich a lovely fort! "
Then we felt one more of the bumpy shakes
Which of ships a-grounding tells-
And a wery imposing fort she makes
At the mouth of the Dardanelles !







FUN.


[MARCH 6, 1878.


MEMORIES OF A SUNDAY IN HYDE PARK.


- r~


"Six milli, ns, indeed We have met here to prevent the pockets of the taxpayers being picked I"


A "Peace-at-any-price party.


i )II l V
I i I ,?!! F ..
,, ,_,_iT ~


An argument on our War Supplies:-"It ain't money we're wantin' for, nor provisions
It's men to eat'em I We've got no men to eat 'emra"


"And, after all, what's six millions? Why, the
merest trifle 1"


100







FIJFUN.-MARCH 6, 1878.


- ~- -~


DRAWING HIS TEETH.
Dentist: "AH! MY DEAR SULTAN, THESE EAST WINDS HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH FOR YOU. YOU CAN'T HAVE
PEACE TILL WE EXTRACT YOUR WISDOM TEETH AND HALF-A-DOZEN IRONCLADS OR SO, AND FILE DOWN A FEW
PROVINCES. OUR FEE IS ONLY A FEW MILLIONS."








MAcir 6, 1878. FU 103


LOAVES AND FISHES.
IGHT reverend bishop
In front of a fish-shop,
} There's nothing miraculous
now
In the plentiful take
You are hoping to make,
Small thanks to the sweat of your
brow.

The curate may wish
For his share of the fish,
As of old he must curb his desire ;
The abbot, of course,
Gets the turbot and sauce,
And collars the cod without any
-_. remorse,
Leaving very small fry for the
friar.


ON WAR POETRY, ETC.
APTER years of wearisome casting about for the means of earning
an insufficient and paltry livelihood, and after repeatedly attempting
to start on a new profession, and repeatedly turning sick and giddy
on discovering that the new profession was far too difficult for my
limited capacity to master, I have quite suddenly found the way to
fortune.
The way I have come upon is well paved, free from thorns and
loose stones, brilliantly lighted, and altogether delightful to progress
along. I say this confidently, because not only have I tried a
few steps on it, but I can see the path quite clearly right away to the
end-where dwell honour, renown, and affluence, all of which I desire,
especially the last. I have positively found a profession which my
limited capacity can master, and in two months I shall be in affluent
circumstances. Let anybody who likes make a nation's laws; but I
mean to have a try at making some of its WAR POEMS. I have just
discovered the whole secret of making War Poems, and it consists of
the unquestioning acceptation of these two principles-The con-
queror has No virtues, and The conquered has No vices. It might at first
appear that some difficulty would arise in the event of the conqueror
becoming at any subsequent time the conquered, or vice versa; but
there is no difficulty. By the fact of his becoming conquered his
vices are at once transferred to his conqueror, while the virtues of the
latter are transferred to him. How this comes about I cannot explain,
but I firmly believe it; and this is the way to succeed. Now, for
instance, I have written a trial poem on the Turkish atrocities in
Bulgaria (before the Russian invasion); the Bulgarians, being the
weaker, represent Virtue; while the Turks, being the stronger,
represent Vice:-
Let scattering thunders seethe aloud !
Shall Virtue's welling life-pulse fail
Unstanched, unchampioned ; while the proud,
Gore-vestured, in their vice prevail ?
Rend off yon carnage-savoured mail!
A stainless life, a spotless death
Shall cry aloud with clarion breath,
Until the proud, fear-frenzied, quail!
The Christian falls-shall his fair land
O'erglut the heathen's ravening hand ?
The foregoing poem was most successful, and was for a long time the
theme of every tongue, though you may never have heard it spoken
of. Encouraged-(for however sure one may be of one's ground,
encouragement is never superfluous)-I seized the opportunity offered
by the Russian invasion to write another War Poem. Now the Turks
were the weaker, this involving a transfer of moral characteristics:-
Let shattering thunders, seething, roll along !
Shall Virtue's welling life-pulse ebb away
Unstanched, unsuccoured ; while the proud and strong,
Carnation-robed, in vice prevail and slay ?
Tear off yon slaughter-reeking mail in time,
Ere spotless Virtue, failing, bite the dust!
The stainless falls-unless we hold it crime
To stretch an arm to ward a rebel thrust!
The heathen falls- shall his fair stretching shore
O'erglut the Christian's ravening hand with more ?
The "rebel thrust" refers, of course, to the rising in Bulgaria (see
former poem) ; and I certainly consider it a masterpiece of trans-
ferred moral characteristics." This poem just quoted obtained a
success even greater than that of the first.
I am now engaged upon yet another poem, applicable in the event


of England's declaring war against, and conquering, Russia. It will
run something in this way:-
Let anger-swelling thunders echo, minative, along !
Shall Virtue's sanguine torrent-throb, flow, ebbing on the strand
Unstayed, neglected; while the proud, the scornful, and the strong,
Carnation-clad, in vice prevail with slaughter-seeking hand ?
Cleave off yon carnage-crimsoned mail while time shall yet remain '
Bring succour to the succourer, and help to him who helped
A Christian brother tyrant-crushed in cruel bondage-pain,
And, lashing, spurned the heathen curs of battle, demon-whelped !
It is the Christian calls aloud- shall desolation grim
Strike down his brightest, fairest aims at Britain's heartless whim ?
But the most lucrative branch of my newly adopted;profession will,
I am certain, be my War Songs, which I comprehensively include
among War Poetry. These War Songs must be limited to a smaller
expanse of subject-in fact, the topic should generally be the British
Lion."
The principal thing is to find a rhyme for Lion:-
Oh, the British Lion
Is a noble
"Iron will do; it is not a good rhyme, unless you take care to pro-
nounce it suitably; and it seems at first rather far-fetched as to mean-
ing, but with a little reflection the reader will discover that it is really
a fine metaphor. Consider the proverbial strength of iron So here
is my song (with a choice of rhymes) :-
Oh, the British Lion
Is a noble iron,
proud and high 'un)
I sharp and sly 'un I
High and dry 'un
'mighty spry 'un j
And sharp are his tusks and horns (metaphor-poetic license)
Itail and toes
eyes, and red
claws, and big)
He terrifies those who disturb his doze
them that his views condemn "
these that attempt to tease
such as annoy too much
folks who are prone to hoax
(him who resists his whims J
So mind how you jump on his corns.
tickle his nose
sit on his head Refer to rhymes in
sneer at his wig second line.
I am sure this song, duly advertised, will take immensely. Here
is the skeleton plan of a song I have in hand :-
WE'LL BLESS LORD BEACONSFIELD !
Where'er Britain's shores extend,
. protecting shield,
truest guide stanchest friend,
. Lord Beaconsfield !
. Britain's wisdom guide
Britain's might o'erwhelm,
.no harm betide
While he is at the helm !
Chorus. So about
With deafening shout,
echoes peal'd
England's choice,
lusty voice
We'll bless Lord Beaconsfield !
Skeleton rhymes for Patriotic and War Songs supplied (by weight)
at the shortest notice.- [ADVT.]

A Good Money "Bag!"
IN the matter of a recent robbery case we read in the papers that
" Money amounting to 920, which was deposited in two bags, was
handed to the gentleman connected with the colliery company. He
deposited them in a first-class carriage, and while his head was turned
the two bags were adroitly purloined and two dummies substituted."
No wonder his head was turned Fancy receiving in one's clutch
920 all at once The moral, however, of this incident is that one
should never be so careless as to carry money in one's bags."

Inscription for the Base of Cleopatra's Needle.
Si monumnentum queris circum spice.-This is a queer species of
monument.
Tim HAIniBsssBts' FAvorTITE GAmE.-Curling.








104 F U N [MARCH 6, 1878.


A PANACEA.
HE last rays of the setting sun,
sloping slowly to the west"
(if anything can slope
slowly"), fell, lingeringly and
sadly, upon the bent form of an
old, old man. Bowed down
in utter misery, he cowered in
his chair, curling his legs and
arms together in inextricable
confusion in the writhing
agony of his self loathing;
nothing recognisable could be
seen save his poor bald head
and the few dishonoured hairs
that clung degraded to his
shameful skull. For the old
man had committed a dastardly
I act -he had 'Iridden in a
superior class to that for which
he had paid his fare" and
he shrank from his fellow-
men. He dared not meet
his wife, lest she should read infraction of bye-laws in his
every movement and hate him with a bitter hate. And his
children his innocent children !-how could he offer them the sweets
that lay, clammy and conglomerate, in his pockets when, perchance,
the very sixpence which purchased them belonged of right to a shame-
lessly defrauded railway company! No! He had avoided them all
and slunk, like the criminal he was, to the library, there to groan and
cower and writhe. Now, however, he raised his grief-stricken head
and gazed unmeaningly at a newspaper at his side. The police
intelligence was uppermost, and he read the cdse nearest to him metho-
dically through three times, without its conveying anything whatever
to his wicked, wicked brain. He commenced it a fourth time-this
time, however, with a dawning intelligence. Soon a change came over
him. A sense of relief was first visible, then he disentangled his
arms, unravelled his legs, smoothed his shirt, buttoned his collar
-and so on, reading the whole time with a countenance which,
through rapid gradations, at last assumed a look of astonished
indignation, while he exclaimed:-
"The rascals! The unprincipled, scoundrelly rascals! Travelling
without paying any fare at all They ought to be ashamed of them-
selves.-Forty shillings! I should think so, indeed-they ought to
be whipped at the cart's tail. Well, I'm not a saint, I own, but,
thank goodness, I'm not so bad as some people." And quite
reinstated in his own opinion, he went in to his tea, distributed the
sweets without a pang, and passed a very jolly evening with his
wife ... Some hours previous to the enactment of the
above scene, two men might have been observed creeping
stealthily from the portals of a Police Court-they had just
been fined forty shillings each. They avoided each other's guilty
eye and shunned the passers' observation. The odour of their guilty
deed clung to them. Henceforth they would be pariahs,-outcasts
from society; never more would the ungloved hand of friend-
ship be stretched forth to them-the bitter" of boon companionship
was a thing of the past. Slinking along with their eyes moodily cast
down, they did not observe the approach of a third person until he was
close upon them. When they did observe him they started, turned
pale, and stopped, looking right and left for means of escape. The
person bore down upon them. He was evidently going to speak.
Was it possible that he was ignorant of their disgrace ?

















What, Jones! Brown!" said the new-comer, "such news- .
But, how is this ? You are pale-your mouths twitch-you cower and
shrink-is it possible that you know-that you are hit too ?"


"Hit? What can you mean, Robinson ?" they tremblingly in-
quired.
Then you do not know," said Robinson, Why, Swindulls of the
Black-beetle and Vermin Destroying Association (Limited)' has bolted
with the cash-box-come and have a bitter, and I'll tell you all about
it." Brown and Jones became other men at the news-they assumed
upright positions, they looked each other fearlessly in the face, and as
they followed Robinson, arm in arm, Jones said to Brown-
Well, we may be mean hunkses, but I think we draw the line at
robbing the widow and the orphan-eh, Brown ? Thank goodness,
we're not so bad as some people." . Meanwhile Swindulls
was lashed to the skylight of the Calais boat. The passage
was rough, and Swindulls was very bad (in every sense), he was
uncomfortable in his mind and uncomfortable in his body; he
felt very remorseful about that cash-box (it was a very bad passage !)
-he thought if it hadn't been for that he could have walked up and
down the deck and smoked a cigar. As it was, he lay limp and
wretched. Presently someone spoke.
Yes, my dear fellow, Bill Sykes broke in at the kitchen window
and stripped the place-stole everything he could lay hands on."
Swindulls pricked up his ears-he felt a little better.
Stole, eh ? he muttered; come, I never stole anything. I may
have swindled the widow, and perhaps defrauded the orphan-oh, lor' !
there's a lurch !-but they must have been fools to expect ten thousand
per cent. I'm bad enough, but, thank goodness, I'm not so bad so
bad as some people." . And Bill Sykes lowered and brooded


in his lonely cell. Well, I have been a blamed fool, I have;
lagged for a stoopid concern a baby might 'a' managed easy-on
'is 'ead 'e might. Fancy being lagged for burglary-lagged, too!
Why, all the pals '11 reg'ler chi-ike me w'en I gits out ag'in ; none o'
them 'ud 'a got in sich a 'ole, ketch 'em. Ugh," and he growled on
till the gaoler brought his meal.
"You needn't look so down, mate," remarked that functionary,
pal o' yours jest come in."
Who's that? Wot's it for?" W'y, 'Ulkin' 'Arry, an' it's for
murder; bashed a ole gent on the 'ead-jest to parss the time, 'e said."
Ah," thought Bill, well, now, come, I ain't such a fool as I
thort. 'Arry a-goin' to be scragged too! Well, I'm bad enough,
an' a good job too, I don't care-but I ain't so bad as some people any-
way," and he curled himself up and went to sleep. .
The sun rose brightly, and the birds twittered gaily, as 'Ulkin'
'Arry, with certain attendants, ascended a structure erected for his
especial benefit. There were only a few spectators, all respectable,
and 'Arry felt very down." Brought to this point, he looked upon
murder with loathing. I'm jest about the wust blaggard there is,"
he thought, as the strapping opera-
tions commenced. One of the
operators, however, hurting him-
self with a buckle, exclaimed,
"the d- !" and 'Arry heard
him. His face cleared somewhat.
"Well, no," he whispered, not
the west. I'm bad enough, but I
ain't as bad as somebody, carter all."
. And all the while his Satanic \
Majesty sat in his dominion, ,
thoughtfully tying knots in his tail.
"I suppose I'm a bad lot," he
mused, with a triumphant smile
and a malignant chuckle, a -
precious bad lot, but I'm not so
black as I'm painted, either."

SPzLL Surveillance in three letters.-S. P. and H. (espionage.)








MAnCn 6, 1878.]


FUN.


THEATRES.
WHEN the carillon chorus and the prompter's bell rang the curtain
down at the "Folly" the other night it was pretty patent that all
concerned, besides the composer, had scored a success. Les Cloches
de Corneville, or, as not a few of its interpreters insisted, Corney veal,
is by no means an ordinary so-called comic opera, a mere peg on which
to hang some jingling melodies, ghastly puns, and forms divine."
It- contains a fair amount of dramatic interest and pretty music; is
admiirably acted and fairly sung. The serious idea of the story, as
ein died in the punishment of the old miser, forms a happy back-
ground to the more lively portion of the main plot so rarely met with
in, pieces of this class, and although the music may not be intensely
original, it is entirely melodious, and the concerted piece introducing
the-chimes is exceedingly clever. The histrionic honours fell without'"
approach to Mr. Shiel Barry, who, in spite of a terrible cold, played
the miser with an amount of intensity and feeling seldom witnessed.
Miss Cameron, as Germaine, was picturesque and perfect, while Miss
Munroe played Serpolette in a manner worthy of Judie herself;
Messrs. Howson, Hill, Loredan, and Ashford completing a cast, the
efficiency of which was indisputable. The piece is admirably adapted,
there .being very little dialogue and no puns, for which we offer the
adapters the tribute of our thanks. An ill-selected claque did its best
to secure an unfavourable' reception for the piece.
The Ne'er-do- Weel," at the Olympic, is announced as an original
play; if this is in reference to the minor details it is correct, but
the story itself is as 1old as the "old, old story." There is stuff"
enough in this playto make half-a-dozen ordinary successful ones, and
yet it is not a success. Idea after idea is opened up rich in happiness
ard originality, which, instead of assisting and adorning it, seemed to
i.log and .fit in ill with the main thread. That main thread is
disconnected, andwhat-is-eonnected is often somewhat unaccountable.
Thea;flrst act is in .every way perfect, the third is in every way the
reverse, while the second keeps the balance between them. The con-


versation is, like all Mr. Gilbert gives us, delightful. The humour is
his own, and no higher praise can be awarded it, and it was with a
sincere feeling of regret we watched what was so full of promise dis-
appoint our expectations and desires. There is much in the piece well
worthy of a visit, but it is the penalty of greatness Mr. Gilbert has to
pay when he fails to write up to his grand reputation. The acting all
round left absolutely nothing to be desired, the smaller points being,
as is rarely the case, as well played as the larger ones.
The reproduction of Madamne Angot at the Alhambra is more than
justified by the great popularity of the piece, as well as by the perfect
way in which it is put upon the stage.

"CHEST SO."
SMITH. Hulloa, Jodes, id the fadshion like byself, got a dnasty
cold id the d'head.
JoNEs. Ah, dear boyd, bmime's id the chest dto, but I'b glad
we've met, judst thought of a smart thing.
SMITH. Whadt's that ?
JoNzs. Oh, a mustard plaster, dondt you dow.

Crumbs of Information.
TaE Master of the Rolls must be complimented for the possession
of a most even temper. Notwithstanding the dastardly outrage com-
mitted upon him the other day,',he wasn't/observed to turn the least
bit crusty. Suitors in his lordship's Court may possibly derive from
this a crumb of comfort.

Never give up P(h)ope. ':
Mas. MALAPROP is ill, and wants to know where: she can get the
recipe for the late Pope's syllabub, and for -his infallible Tea. She
also inquires whether it would be any use if her daughter applied for
the situation in Europe.


-. 'THE NEW SPIRIT.
"There is a lying spirit abroad."-Mr. Cross.
HAIL to thee, New Spirit!
a ;:-Rum thou surely art,
That from-hem !-or near it
Pourest thy Red Heart
In wicked strains of anti-Governmental art.
All the earth and air
With thy voice is loud,
Shrieking a war scare
With aims unavowed,
Or ranting to a rude and rowdy Cremorne crowd.
Whom you prompt we know not,
Gladstone or Lord B. ;
From French papers flow not
Canards wild and free
As those you set afloat in prose of the D). T.
Teach us, sprite absurd, *
What dark plots are thine;
Hast thou ever stirr'd
Forbes to write a line,
Or Hardy to pump out his eloquence benign ?
We look before and after,
And pine for what is not;
Before it raises laughter,
After's-Ben knows what.
,Our sweetest songs are those that tell of shell and shot.
Teach us Russia's badness;
Teach us how to crow;
Such wild, wanton madness
From our lips should flow,
The world would yell out War, as England's yelling
now.

Pbo6urL and game are cheap in Glasgow. Duck-
lings per pr., Os. Od. to Os. Od.;" single geese and
pheasants, and braces of grouse and partridges at the
same prices.
WE try to check the practice in horses ; nevertheless,
there are thousands of people in the world who devote
themselves to the promotion of cattle-rearing."
A RinIRmD TRADESMAN. Your "chimney-sweep-
when he has gone to bed.


-r
-V


NOT "BACK" WARD.
Ferryman :-" ONE PENNY, PLEASE, SIR."
Yokel:--"A-N'T' GOT ONLY A 'A'P Y.
Ferryman:-'""TnE CHARGE IS ONE PENNY."
Yokel (who's fond of being on the river) :-" WELL, TAKE ME BACK AGAIN,
THEN."






SFUN.


[MARCH 6, 1878.


.NOT THE STY-LE FOR MARY.
Mr. Kinshild:-" WELL, MARY, YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRY TERENCE, YOU'LL HAVE TO "KEEP A PIG AND WASH," &C., &C.
Mary:-"-YIs, 'DEED, I WILL IF I MARRY TERENCE, AN' A DIRTY PIG, TOO; SO GO HOME, MR. KINSHILD, AN' TELL TERENCE I TOLD
YOU so."
PICTURE GALLERIES. THE COCKNEY DIALECT.
THE public have rarely if ever had such a chance as now of getting OH London School Board, can you face
a knowledge of the rise and progress of British art. The Grosvenor The patois which for "race or place "
Gallery, with its marvellous collection of water colours, forms a good Will talk of rice" and policee P How
history of that branch of art from its early development down to the Must ears that in for accent go
present time. In the Old Masters Exhibition at Burlington House there Tingle to hear words altered so,
are (independently of the examples of foreign schools), fine specimens From If you love me, say so, Joe,"
of Sir Joshua Reynolds, Gainsborough, and other British worthies. To If you love me, sigh, sow !"
There is also the collection of the so-called Norwich school. In addi- -
tion to these the Royal Academy has thrown open to the public the A Running" Account.
Diploma Galleries, which really contain a history of painting in oil account.
in England since the founding of that institution, and a most melan- A MAN, his wife, and two sons were brought up at Salford the
choly and depressing collection it is. No educated artist of the present other day, charged with receiving goods, well knowing them to be
day can help standing amazed when he sees what "held the town in stolen. Vice evidently ran in the family-so did the police.
days past; but to the student it ought to be most encouraging to see I
how far the art has travelled within the last twenty years, and to feel Give Me Where to* Stand, and I Will Move the World."
how much is yet to be done. Doubtless there are many fine works in MR. GLADSTONE said at Oxford that he would move heaven and
the collection; but, taken as a whole, it is really questionable whether earth to prevent the Government getting the Supplemental Vote. Mr.
it is to the advantage of the Royal Academy that these galleries should Forster only moved an amendment.
be thrown open.
Another interesting collection will be the promised exhibition of the NEW READING. -Truth is stronger than faction. (For Mr.
works of J. M. W. Turner, owned by Mr. Ruskin. G dst e )


CHADWICK'S B
SUPER
SEWING___A QUALIHIES.
f ? THAT "ACH
SEWING TICKET.
ASK YOUR
COTTONS. AAD OHOs


CADBURY'S

COCOA ESSENCE
PURE-SOLUBLE-BJEFESIN'.
OAWFION.-If -it Midea.. thi i mp m prm.. t e at0i e". swM atrt.


RecSomttB,
Eun's-Bl.
Aiup'phed Ato the
lPINCElSSFWALE%
i AUNDRESS,_]


Printed by JUDD & CO., Phaemi Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctao' Common, and Published (er the Proprleton) at 158, F


1


deet Street, R.0.-Londn, Kareh 6,1878.







MAUCH 13, 1878.1 F U lN 107


M'ATRI MON I A L.





















A medical gentleman in a good position, having an extensive A young lady similarly inclined. Address, &c.-(ADVT.)
practice, and wishing to marry, will correspond with -

THEATRES. to the senate was more argumentative, and his You should more
EA command with years" to Brabantio was not impressive. When
TxB announcement that the Great Hungarian tragedian" was to Othello is on the stage he should fill it; the moment after Herr
appear as Othello drew a large attendance to the Queen's the other Moritz had entered he was no more than anyone else present. His
afternoon. The character dismissal of Cassio was not
of the jealous Moor appears the personal love for the
a favourite one with foreign C- I man ,dominated by the
actors in making their dlbuts dignity of the commander,
before English audiences, / it was hard and assertive.
and when Herr Moritz r, The violent scenes with
stepped on the stage he lago and Desdemona were
received a welcome which by far the best, but he died
should have gone far to- \ without dignity, and was
wards dispelling the nor- not sorry he had killed his
vousness he evidently wife for her sake, but for
felt. That nervousness his owon. Pathos and dignity
hampered his efforts and are not Herr Moritz's forte,
intentions to some extent and it strikes us he would
was obvious, but we cannot be much more successful as
think it was entirely respon- \ Iago than as his master.
sible, for the somewhat dis- With one exception the
appointedfeelingwhichtook other characters were ren-
hold of us during the first dered admirably. Misses
two acts, though shaken Hodson and Ward, Messrs.
somewhat in the third and \ Stirling and Brooke were
fourth, was confirmed in the perfect, and Mr. Hermann
fifth. Herr Moritz is a Vezin gave us, as lago, as
good actor, but he is not a fine, subtle, and superb a
great one. We have a score performance as his name has
of men now playing in ever been associated with.
London who could play At the Princess's Jane
Othello as well as he did. Shore continues to draw
His reading of the character -- large and appreciative audi-
did not exhibit any marked fences, who are fairly car-
novelties in the conception. ried away by their feelings"
The Moor in his hands is to such an extent that they
a violent, jealous, albeit positively hiss and groan
loving husband, whose sor- at Mr. Russell for his fine,
row and regret at his wife's powerful delineation of the
supposed faithlessness is Duke of Gloucester.
more that he should have
been deceived than that she
should have done it. The Neat.
words, "Oh, the pity o't, OuR host called the at-
Iago," had no pathos in tention of his guests to the
them, inasmuch as they beeswing in his '47 port,
suggested regret at the un- and likened it to a snow-
happy business merely. storm. "Yes," said little
Above all, the Moor is a CUTTI NG I Binks, "anyport in a storm
man of dignity; he is a is a trite remark; but here
general, and he shows his Nervous Man (to friend) :-" WHAT AM 1 To DO I'VE BROUGHT MY we have a storm in the
accustomedness to command RAZOn-CLOTH INSTEAD OF A POCKETHANDKERCHIEF, AND I'VE SUCH A DREAD- port."
and be obeyed, all of which FUL coLD."
essentialities Herr Moritz Friend (woho is fond of bad jokes) :-" WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHIN& AN ANTI JACOBINE. -
seemed to lack. The speech ABOUT IT; IT MIGHT razor laugh AGAINST YOU The hawk.

VOL. X*-XV-.








108 F UNI [MARCH 18, 1878.


HARDLY A CURSE!'

(FIRas INCIDENT BY THE WAY.
THE long Chancery suit of Whiddoe v. Awfan had just ended,
after enduring some ten years. The disputed property, amounting
originally to some fifty thousand pounds, had gradually sifted away
into the lawyers' hands during the case. It had now been decided
that the contenling parties should receive one-half the property each,
and the halves had been duly handed to them --five pounds two
and ninepence halfpenny to each. They were then received into the
workhouse.)

MR. THOMAS LONGSITTER was a gentleman with a strange love of
sitting in courts of justice, and watching the engines of the law
beating, in their seemingly monotonous way, effects anything but
monotonous into the lives of those who got into their course. Mr. Long-
sitter had sat through a good portion of the later part of the horribly
dull case of Whiddoe v. Awfan, and had found but one circumstance
to mar his enjoyment-the unhealthy atmosphere of the court. He
had seen judges turn faint in that court from want of air; he had
known barristers unable to proceed for half-an-hour together, from
exhaustion in the dreadful atmosphere; and he had himself caught
nearly two dozen colds in the head and chest from improper ventila-
tion. Now Mr. Longsitter was an influential writer on an influential
paper-(for he did not spend all his time in courts of justice)-and
thousands of readers hung their opinions on the point of his pen, in
every stroke of which dwelt power. And this unhealthiness of the
courts had made a great impression on his mind.--
*
(SECOND INCIDENT BY THE WAY.
Mr.. Frawdulent Slippary, the great muffin importer, had just got
through his bankruptcy, and begun the erection of a country seat,
and bought some thoroughbreds and a racing yacht. His creditors
had received half a farthing in the pound, and the principal ones had
just applied unsuccessfully for admission into an almshouse.)
*
-- So great, indeed,
that he contemplated a long and cutting article on the subject, to send
to his influential paper. As he contemplated this, he came across
the following paragraph in a newspaper: "We are sorry to announce
the very dangerous illness of Mr. Justice of the High Court of
-. He had been suffering for a long time from this malady, caused
by the insalubrity and imperfect ventilation of the court." This
decided him about the article for his paper: It will no doubt set
on foot an agitation on this subject, and possibly be the means of
leading to improvements in the condition of the court-houses. I will
denounce the accursed Demon of Bad Ventilation!" And he sat down
at once, and took up a pen.
As he dipped the pen in the ink, and began, "Perhaps the greatest
curse -" he became conscious of an oppression on the lungs,
accompanied by alternations of heat and cutting draughts : the feeling
became intolerable, and, with a gasp, he rose and flung open the
window, and then sat down again to write. But as he attempted to
place his pen on the paper, something seemed to weigh upon his arm
and keep it back. He tried to write again and again, but'the check
on his arm became more and more decided, until, unable to bear the
suffocating sensation on his lungs, and bewildered by the weight upon
his arm, he jumped from his chair and, turning towards his right,
saw a misty revolting figure close to him. It pointed to the paper,
and shook its head, as if forbidding him to write; and, strange to
say, even as it did this, all the wish to write that article for his
influential paper went from him, and his whole views on the subject
changed, and he thought to himself, No, don't get the ventilation
of the courts improved; it wouldn't be a blessing! Let the thing go
on as it is "

(THIRD INCIDENT BY THE WAY.
Police Intelligence: Ellen Pawper, charged at street with
stealing a purse containing five shillings from the Duchess of Dash,
had been sentenced to two years' penal servitude.
A savage-looking man, giving the name of Brootle Ruff, had been
brought up on the charge of skinning a horse alive, and tearing out
its tongue. After some remarks on the inhuman .nature of the case,
the prisoner had been discharged with a caution.)

On the morning after Mr. Longsitter had seen the strange figure at
his side, the whole thing seemed like a dream to his memory., Having
nothing to do that morning, he went to hear a case at the -- court.
It was an appeal from the commoners of a certain forest (which had
been the breathing space of holiday makers from a great city for a
century or two, and a means of preserving the city in a healthy state)
to prevent somebody destroying that forest for the fun of the thing.
The law distinctly admitted that custom and right were on the side of
the plaintiffs, but the law felt itself compelled to decide for the de-


fendant. This day, Mr. Longsitter went home from the unwholesome
court-house with a splitting headache, and read in his evening paper
this paragraph:-" Mr. Sharp Torker, the eminent barrister, expired
yesterday from fever, resulting from a cold caused by the bad ventila-
tion of the Court of ." "Now, this decides me exclaimed Mr.
Longsitter; "I write that article this moment. I will crush the
hated Demon of Bad Ventilation!" He sat down, but the same
weight checked his arm, the same figure stood by him and motioned
him not to write, and the same change came over his views. "No-
no, desist-it would not be a blessing! he kept saying to himself.
From this time his wish to set on foot the extinction of the Demon of
Bad Ventilation (as he, had styled the evil which had occupied his
thoughts so) became gradually fainter until, at length, he would think
upon the foul air of the Law Courts with positive pleasure, and
murmur to himself, ". Dn't write it; it wo. ld NOT be a blessing !"
S *
(FouRTH INCIDENT BY THE WAY.
The Tuppenny-Haypenny Case had, after ten trials, at length been
concluded by a decision on appeal to the House of Lords. This case
involved the sum of two pounds five.
The costs of the successful suitor amounted to seventeen thousand
eight hundred pounds.)
*
"By Jove said Mr. Longsitter one day, being utterly altered in
his opinions now ; "I will write an article for my influential paper,
crushingly denouncing any change in the condition of the courts of
law; they're ventilated quite enough-too much "
The misty figure was standing by his side; but there was no weight
to hinder his pen now. The figure smiled approvingly. "We under-
stand each other better now," it said, "though you know not my
name. I am the Demon of Bad Ventilation, and I live in the courts
of law-but I am not a curse. Three of the lawyers in the Whiddoe
v. Awfan case have succumbed to me; so has the magistrate of the
Pawper and Ruff cases; so have many of those professionally engaged
in the Tuppenny-Haypenny case. Do not try to shorten my reign -
I am not a curse And the figure vanished, and Mr. Longsitter is
writing his article.

TOO GOOD FOR HIS PLACE.
A CONVENT GARDEN PASTORAL.
YouNG Colin must quit the fair meadows of Kent,
On a trip to Great Britain's gay capital bent.
Brief leisure is Colin's of Daphne to dream,
As he pilots his waggon and whips up his team.
For the lord of young Colin hath acres to farm-
'Tis a trade that is not without merit or charm ;-
And he makes it his pride, by all possible means,
To supply the big city with carrots and greens.
The team and the waggon progress through the night
(Until eastward are traces of dawn's ruddy light).-
See, they traverse-the Thames, and they traverse the Strand,
And the lamps of the market at last are at hand.
Then Colin repairs to a tavern hard by-
For the journey was lonesome, and Colin is dry.
And he thinks, while he drinks of his never-mind-what,
O'er the memories dear to that classical spot.
Al, shades of the wealthy-the gay-the renowned-
Yet again do ye hover this precinct around ;
Yet again with emotion your worshipper thrills,
While he watches ye crowding to Button's and Will's.
Our Congreve and Wycherley, Dryden and Pope,
Never more in the flesh to behold can we hope;
Still their spirits are here, 'mid the mart's busy din.-
Waiter !-Talkjng of spirits-a little more gin !
Not a step from the corner was Garrick's abode-
'Kitty Clive had a residence over the road;
Here Churchill has rhymed on his dark second floor,
And the gallants have knocked at Peg Woffington's dtor.
Harry Fielding's papa, the much-dreaded Sir John,
Was the Midas of Bow Street, a little way on.
What ghosts reappear 'mid the mart's busy hum '-
Waiter!-Keep'st thou the fluid called Pine-apple Rum ?
Yon churchyard can boast of remarkable bones,
Though yon church be unworthy of Inigo Jones;
And yon pile at the corner-called Evans's now-
Echoed once the grand accents of Siddons, I trow.
To the deathless departed again let me drink.-
Waiter !-Fill me my goblet once more to the brink.
This libation-the last one-I'll solemnly pour;
Then return to take charge of that waggon and four !"

WHEN is a lady a fiction P-When she is a'fable.








MAnoH 13, 1878.]


FUTN.


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
MEssns. AGNEW have opened their beautifully-fitted galleries in Old
Bond-street with a fine collection of water-colour pictures embracing
specimens of all styles and manners of the present day.
The Dudley Gallery has opened with an average exhibition.
While there are many really good works in the collection, there is
very little requiring special mention.
On Saturday, the 2nd instant, the annual dinner of the Newsvendors'
Benevolent and Provident Institution was presided over by Mr. Leth-
bridge. There was a good gathering of notables, literary and artistic,
showing the interest taken in the institution by these classes, as well as
proving the activity and energy of the secretary, Mr. W. W. Jones.
The coming of age dinner of the Savage Club was held at the
Grosvenor Gallery on the evening of the 6th inst. G. A. Sala occupied
the chair, and was supported by many guests of distinguished position.
The speeches were made by men eminent in their particular branches
of Literature, Science, and Art. Mr. Hepworth Dixon, in proposing
the health of the Chairman, very appropriately described him as "The
Rubens of the Pen." The entertainment was indeed a success.

A Want Long Felt.
THE vague-aries of advertisers are ever diverting. For instance,
we read:-
M/ANAGEMENT WANTED, by a respectable young married Couple, without
encumbrance. Good references; town or country.-Address to E. D., 15,
Woodatock-street, Oxford-street.
Of course we deeply sympathise with the case before us, but are sorry
to say it is by no means an isolated one. Nearly all the young
married couples of our acquaintance would be comfortably off if they
only had a little management.

Some Mistake Somewhere.
"A YOUTHFUL STUDENT cannot understand why, if, as his Primer
of English Literature tells him, the Christian name of our first great
poet was Geoffrey, he should be called in poetry books Dan"
Chaucer. Jeff," our young friend thinks, would be more sensible.


OH, JONES!
MY friendship for Jones is a mixed 'un-
I don't see him often, you know,
For he has a mansion at Brixton,
And I have apartments at Bow-
But smoothing my hair (which is wavy),
To Jones's I've taken my way,
And Jones's intelligent slaveyy"
Informs me he's out for the day.


It isn't his absence, believe me,
That causes my pain (which is deep),
It's not my expenses that grieve me-
The "Trams" are exceedingly cheap.-
But I list to the menial doubting
The story saluting my ear,
He wasn't content with his outing,"-
He's taken the key of the beer.

Too Jolly Clever by Half."
REALLY it is high time that something be done to recognize the
benefits Mr. Chas. Reade has conferred upon the human race. His
consideration for us is something marvellous. For instance, in his
last letter to the D. T., on the Coming Man," he says: Were I to
give the examples I have noted in various branches of learning, human
and divine, it would be too instructive." How truly noble this for-
bearance though we do not think he need worry himself. Judging
by the remainder of his letter, we think there is little fear of his being
too instructive. We do know some people who cannot understand
even what he has written.

Hint for Sir John Lubbock.
IN a court off Golden-lane may still be seen the remains of an
ancient barrow. The proprietor being a costermonger in reduced
circumstances, this interesting relic of antiquity might be secured for
the nation at a very trifling expense.


AT HER FEET.
My Darling's foot is small and slim-
A prettier you ne'er could choose;
But she declines-provoking whim!
To let me tie her shoes I
Perhaps she thinks her instep low,
Anal therefore always will refuse
(As if I cared if it were so !)
To let me tie her shoes !
No matter were they soup tureens,
Or long and thin as billiard cues,
Or short as Life, and broad as beans-
If I might tie her shoes !
Is she afraid, my little pet,
The opportunity I'd use
The length of her dear foot to get,
If I might tie her shoes P
She lets me button on her gloves
(Sixes, her size-tints, pearly hues),
And yet she-silliest of loves!-
Won't let me tie her shoes!
If I proposed the marriage tie,
I wonder if she would excuse,
And grant, my suit! yet still deny
Me leave to tie her shoes !
The choicer tie I should prefer
To win, though neither would I lose,-
And I would tie myself to her,
As well as tie her shoes I!
Then Time would fly on rosy feet-
I ne'er again should have the Blues! "
And let what would betide, my Sweet
Would let me tie her shoes !
*
Ah! this was writ when I was young !
Time with sad rue Life's pathway strews,
And now I wish to tie her tongue,
And not to tie her shoes !

"THE Mad Hatter" wants to know what
relation a hot-cross bun is to a crossbred.


PAST AND PRESENT.
First Obelisk:-"OH, THESE YEARS OF TRANQUIL WARMTH! TOO BEAUTIFUL TO LAST."
Second Ditto :-" Now, MR. BULL, YOU HAVE DRAGGED ME HERE, where ARE YOU GOING
TO PUT ME F "
Mr. B. :-" FOR THE PRESENT, SIR, WE HAVE DECIDED TO PUT YOU UP OUR Court-AND
OUR court HAS DECIDED TO PUT YOU UP IN value-25,000. DON'T THEY WISH THEY MAY
Gor IT "


109


I








110 F UN. [MAucu 13, 1878,

iTHE FLOWER EXTERMINATOR.
,.,l !/,,hllW^ Y


This gives you the Patriot known to the Parks,
Displaying his views in enlightened remarks;
He kindly instructs, in his able address,
The Cabinet, Russia, the Porte, and the Press.


Now let us suppose that the Cabinet met
And decided to follow the rules that he set;
Decided distinctly, whatever occurred,
To rigidly follow his tiniest word;


I **i ^ .'/ ..EST 3



We'll further imagine the press to decide We'll also imagine the Porte and the Czar
To look upon him as their leader and guide; Agreeing to make him their governing star:







P ... .


Without an excuse for impressing his mark
On crocuses, tulips, and trees in the Park!


And fancy the flowers uninjured and bright -
And fancy our un-patriotic delight?






FUIJ .-MARCH 13, 1878.

d


I,


THE TREATY OF PEACE.
Rtusia :-"NOW, MIND YOU TELL THEM AT THE CONFERENCE THAT YOU'RE PERFECTLY SATISFIED AND
VERY FOND OF ME; AND LOOK CHEERFUL, OR YOU'LL CATCH IT."


^


I RIWI5




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